THE BRANCH
tFEREHCE
Gilbert:
- 3.
- ; *.*JI
\
\
Crown 8 w, cloth extra, 3^. 6d.
THE SAVOY OPERA.
BY PERCY FITZGERALD.
WITH SIXTY ILLUSTRATIONS AND PORTRAITS.
" ' The Savoy Opera ' promises a present interest and a permanent value. . . .
In no sense does the work disappoint anticipation. Mr. Fitzgerald brings to his
task, not only a keen appreciation of the humours and conceits of words and
music which have distinguished this special class of entertainment, but also
exhibits in no meagre degree the cultured taste and confident judgment of a
critic of ripe experience. ... I would gladly linger over this timely volume,
which contains a vast amount of information. It has special claims to attention,
inasmuch as it is the first serious attempt to give a consecutive review of an
operatic era of great importance." Sun.
" A pleasant record of a novel and indigenous form of operatic entertainment."
Times.
" A long and varied experience of theatrical matters enables Mr. Fitzgerald to
treat of the stage and its doings in the most entertaining manner. . , . Lovers
of the Savoy will be very grateful." Lady s Pictorial,
" Mr. Fitzgerald's latest work amply bears out his presumption that a record
of this pleasant home of song and humour would be welcome. The little
volume is as complete as possible ; the author has collected everything about
the plays, authors, and performers that is likely to be interesting." World.
" Mr. Fitzgerald writes lightly, and his narrative makes interesting reading,
enriched as it is by very many illustrations of scenes and characters from the
operas." St. James's Budget.
" With its copies of the originals, its portraits, and scenes from the operas, the
volume will serve for reference." Daily Chronicle.
" It was a happy thought on the part of Mr. Percy Fitzgerald to relate the
history of ' The Savoy Opera ' in the attractive volume with that name. . . .
Mr. Fitzgerald has a good deal that is of interest to tell us," Daily News.
" There is a store of facts in the volume culled from newspaper notices and
magazine articles ; there are exact copies of the first-night programmes of each
opera." Era.
"The very name of Mr. Fitzgerald's book, 'The Savoy Opera,' is so sug-
gestive of amusement that among grateful opera-goers it is sure to be much
sought after." Sketch.
"An entertaining volume. . . . Mr. Fitzgerald has collected everything
likely to be interesting about the author and composer. ... It will be read
with very lively interest." Leeds Mercury.
" Many things likely to be interesting to play-goers are related about the
authors and leading performers, and most of the actors and actresses who have
figured on the boards of the Savoy are passed in review. Extracts are given
from the various operas, and the book altogether serves as an agreeable souvenir
of the Gilbert-Sullivan collaboration." Morning Post.
"Altogether, pretty pictures and neat writing go to make up an entertaining
volume." St. James's Gazette.
LONDON : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
a
THE MAYFAIR LIBRARY.
Post 8vo, doth limp, 2s. 61. per volume.
A JOURNEY ROUND MY ROOM. By XAVIER DE MAISTRE.
QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. By W. D. ADAMS.
THE AGONY COLUMN OF "THE TIMES."
MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED : an Abridgment of " Burton's
Anatomy of Melancholy."
POETICAL INGENUITIES. By W. T. DOBSON.
THE CUPBOARD PAPERS. By FIN-BEC.
W. S. GILBERT'S ORIGINAL PLAYS. THREE SERIES.
SONGS OF IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR. Edited by A.
PERCEVAL GRAVES.
ANIMALS AND THEIR MASTERS. By Sir A. HELPS.
SOCIAL PRESSURE. By Sir A. HELPS.
CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. By H. J. JENNINGS.
THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. By
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. With Illustrations.
PENCIL AND PALETTE. By R. KEMPT.
LITTLE ESSAYS : from CHARLES LAMB'S Letters.
FORENSIC ANECDOTES. By JACOB LARWOOD.
THEATRICAL ANECDOTES. By JACOB LARWOOD.
JEUX D'ESPRIT. Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH.
WITCH STORIES. By E. LYNN LINTON.
OURSELVES. By E. LYNN LINTON.
PASTIMES AND PLAYERS. By R. MACGREGOR.
THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. By W. H. MALLOCK.
THE NEW REPUBLIC. By W. H. MALLOCK.
PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. C. PENNELL.
PEGASUS RE-SADDLED. By H. C. PENNELL.
THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Edited by H. C. PENNELL.
THOREAU: His Life and Aims. By H. A. PAGE.
PUNIANA. By The Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
MORE PUNIANA. By The Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF HANDWRITING.
BY STREAM AND SEA. By W. SENIOR.
LEAVES FROM A NATURALIST'S NOTE-BOOK. By
Dr. ANDREW WILSON.
LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
ORIGINAL PLAYS
BY W. S. GILBERT
UNIFORM WITH THE PRESENT VOLUME.
IK TWO STYLES OF BINDING.
Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6<1. each.
W. S. GILBERT'S PLAYS.
FIRST SERIES,
Containing: " The Wicked World," "Pygmalion and
Galatea," "Charity," "The Princess," "The Palace
of Truth," " Trial by Jury."
SECOND SERIES,
Containing : " Broken Hearts," " Engaged," " Sweet-
hearts," "Gretchen," " Dan'l Druce," " Tom Cobb,"
"H.M.S. Pinafore," "The Sorcerer," " The Pirates of
Penzance."
LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
ORIGINAL PLAYS
BY
W. S. GILBERT
THIRD SERIES
CONTAINING
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY, FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN
PATIENCE, PRINCESS IDA, THE MIKADO
RUDDIGORE, THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD
THE GONDOLIERS, THE MOUNTEBANKS
UTOPIA LIMITED
EL o n to o n
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1895
n LL.
S 5 2 Z- CITY OF MEW YORK ' '
v. 3
J! 84986
v
CONTENTS.
PAGE
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY . . 1
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY . . 19
ROSENCRANTZ AND GuiLDENSTERN . 75
PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 91
PRINCESS IDA; OR, CASTLE ADAMANT . 131
THE MIKADO; OR, THE TOWN OP TITIPU 175
RUDDIGORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE . . . 217
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, THE MERRYMAN AND
HIS MAID ....... 261
THE GONDOLIERS ; OK, THE KING OF BARATARIA . . 307
THE MOUNTEBANKS . . . 353
UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS . . 405
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY,
v,
AN ORIGINAL DRAMA,
IN ONE ACT.
first performed at the Lyceum Theatre, London,
Saturday, January 2&(h, 1884.
ill,
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Due D'ORLEAXS, Regent of France
D'AULXAY, Clarice's Husband
DOCTOR CIIOQUART ...
ABBE DUBOIS ...
DE GRAXCY
DE LA FERTE
DE COURCELLES
VlSCOMTE DE MAU/UX
DE BROGLIO
JosEnr, a Servant
PAULIXK, Clarice's Sister
CLARICE, an Actress ...
MR. J. II. BARXES.
MR. G. ALEXAXDER.
MR. E. F. EDGAR.
MR. E. T. MARCH.
MR. F. GRIFFIX.
MR. A. LEWIS.
MR. F. RAPHEAL.
MR. N. CIUSXELL.
MR. G. LEWIS.
MR. W. RUSSELL.
Miss O'REILLY.
Miss MARY AXDERSOX.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
SCENE. Apartment in CLARICE'S house ; night. A glass door
opens on to a garden. The room is lighted as if for a
reception.
As the curtain rises, JOSEPH enters, ushering PAULINE, in
travelling-dress. She is much agitated.
Paul, {removing her hat, veil, and cloaJc). Where is my
sister ? I must see her at once.
Jos. Madame is dressing.
Paul. Dressing? Is she going out to-night?
Jos. No, Mademoiselle ; Madame has a supper-party at home.
Paul, Her husband Monsieur d'Aulnay where is he?
Jos. Monsieur d'Aulnay ? Oh, has not Mademoiselle heard ?
Paul, (much agitated). It is true then they are separated ?
Jos. Alas, Mademoiselle, too true !
Paul. It is terrible terrible ! They loved each other so
dearly, and they have not been married a year.
Jos. Indeed, Monsieur seemed devoted to Madame.
Paul. Seemed ! Did he not give up his commission in the
Royal Body Guard and take service as a humble actor that he
might be near her? Did he not forego rank, wealth, friends,
everything that he might marry her? And now, after one
short year, their love is dead and they are strangers ! When
did this dreadful separation take place ?
Jos. A week ago, yesterday.
Paul, (rises). And my sister gives a supper-party to-night I
Why, the scandal will be known all over Paris to-morrow !
Jos. Alas ! Mademoiselle, it is already a matter of common
gossip !
Paul. And whom does she expect to-night?
Jos. Well, Mademoiselle must know, sooner or later. They
are not such guests as Madame has been in the habit of
receiving, or as Monsieur would approve if he were here.
4 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Madame expects, among others, Monsieur de la Fere, the Abbe
Dubois, Monsieur de la Forte', and, I regret to add, the Regent,
Monseigneur le Due d'Orleans.
Paul. The Due d'Orleans! Do I understand you that my
sister has invited the Eegent to sup with her? Oh, you must
have been misinformed !
Jos. Mademoiselle, it is, unhappily, too true! I had it from
Madame's own lips. I will send word to her that Mademoiselle
awaits her. \_Exit JOSEPH.
Paul. The Due d'Orleans! The villain whose insolent
admiration of her is a bye-word throughout Paris! The
libertine who dared to couple her fair name with lies unspeak-
able, whose disgraceful attentions have embittered her life and
her husband's for twelve months past ! This man coming to
sup with her to-night ! Oh, it cannot be, it cannot be !
(PAULINE starts up, hearing CLARICE.)
Clar. (as she enters and descends staircase). Mind, plenty
of wine, plenty of music, and plenty of light, and, above all
things, remember that, after my guests have arrived, no one is
to interrupt us. (CLARICE hurriedly makes for the door leading
to garden. As her hand is on the lock she sees PAULINE. She
is much agitated, but with an effort recovers herself.) Pauline !
you here ? Why, my darling child, this is indeed a surprise !
What do you do in this city of iniquity, you little innocent
country primrose ? Who has picked you and brought you into
this perilous atmosphere ? And why ? Come ! Tell me all
about it !
Paul. Clarice, I came in great haste because I heard that
you were unhappy. It seems that in that, at least, I was mis-
informed.
Clar. (bitterly}. Unhappy ! Yes. I am unhappy or should
"be, if I stopped to think. But (with forced gaiety} I don't
stop to think. I don't give myself time to think. I take
things as I find them, and I make the best of them. Ha ! ha !
ha ! That's true philosophy, Pauline. Of course you have
heard what has taken place. Well, it's a pity, but it could not
be helped.
Paul. But what in the world has caused this calamity ?
Clar. Oh, I hardly know! No great thing many small
things ; things ridiculous in detail, but serious in the aggregate.
Besides, you forget I have been married a year, and a year is
a long time in Paris.
Paul. A long time ! And you loved him so dearly !
Clar. Ye es oh yes I certainly loved D'Aulnay in my
way once.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 5
Paul. Once !
Clar. Yes. A pretty fellow whom one sees once a week for
an hour one loves but a pretty fellow whom one sees every
day for a year! My dear Pauline, you've not tried it. Besides
haven't you heard ? Husbands are going out they are not
to be worn at all this season.
Paul, (reproachfully). Clarice !
Glar. Why one must be in the fashion, child! Next season,
perhaps or the next but one they may come in again. Well,
in that case I have D'Aulnay's address.
Paul. Will he come, do you think, when he learns the
Regent is an invited guest at your house?
Clar. Oh, you have heard that. Well, I confess I see a dif-
ficulty there D'Aulnay is so straightlaced. Monsieur d'Orleans
is a man of fashion, and is, perhaps, rather too much accustomed
to look on women as playthings. ( This is said with involuntary
and half-concealed bitterness^) It is his only weakness. Let
us be charitable, and look over it.
Paul. I cannot express the distress with which I listen to
such sentiments. I can scarcely believe that they are uttered
by the Clarice whose purity of life has shamed the attacks even
of her unmanly persecutor. Think what you are losing!
Hitherto even those who condemn the stage as infamous have
excepted you from their sweeping denunciations. (Goes to
her.} For Heaven's sake pause before you risk the proud and
honoured position you have attained !
Clar. (Utterly). Proud ! Honoured ! Bah ! You play with
words. I am an actress by law proscribed, by the Church
excommunicated ! While I live women gather their skirts
about them as I pass ; when I die I am to be buried, as dogs
are buried, in unholy ground. (PAULINE turns away in grief.)
In the mean time, I am the recognized prey of the spoiler the
traditional property of him who will best pay for me: an
actress, with a body, God help her ! but without a soul : un-
recognized by the State, abjured by the Church, and utterly
despised of all ! In the face of these compliments, believe me,
it is not easy to preserve one's self-respect, Pauline.
Paul. But the Eegent who has insulted you unspeakably
whose liveried servants have actually attempted to carry you
away from your husband's arms, and who has treated his
repeated challenges with cowardly and contemptuous silence
is this man to be an honoured guest at your table ?
Clar. Ah, my dear, a pretty woman must not bear too hardly
upon those whose heads her beauty has turned. Monsieur le Due
has been imprudent reckless culpable if you will; but then,
6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
remember, the poor fellow is in love. If you put a kettle of
water on the fire, it is not the fault of the water if it boils it
is the fault of the fire, my dear ! As to my husband's challenges,
why, notwithstanding his noble birth and his services in the
Royal Body Guard, he is now but a stage-player a mummer
a vagabond. Would you have the Regent of France condescend
to meet a vagabond ! No ! He must draw the line somewhere ;
and he draws it at vagabonds' wives !
Paul. I see that my mission is fruitless. I will go. (Resuming
her mantle.}
Clar. Yes, better go, my child. The scene that is to come
is one that perhaps you had better not see.
Paul. I can believe it. Adieu, Clarice. I came in hope
that I might yet save my sister. I go, broken-hearted that my
sister should be beyond saving ! [Exit PAULINE.
[CLARICE watches PAULINE off, then locks the door by
which she has gone out, and hurriedly opens the door
leading to the garden.
Clar. D'Aulnay ! My husband ! Quick !
D'AULNAY enters from garden.
D'Aul. My darling wife ! (embraces her). Is it certain that
we shall not be interrupted ?
Clar. Quite certain ! I have locked the only door by which
any one could surprise us.
D'Aul. And is all ready ?
Clar. All is ready.
D'Aul. The story of our separation is accepted ?
Clar. Implicitly. I have made no secret of it, believe me.
There is not a soul about the Court who does not believe that
my love for you is dead, and that we are parted for ever.
[CLARICE and D'AULNAY seated.
D'Aul. And the Regent the Due d'Orleans ?
Clar. Oh, he has fallen readily enough into the snare. I
did as you bade me. I gave out, far and near, that I was
weary of the humdrum respectability of sober married life-
that, being free again, I intended to take my own course and
enjoy myself. To disarm suspicion, I invited a dozen of his
friends the Abbe Dubois, De Courcelles, De la Ferte and
others and eventually the Regent himself: humbly, and with
a sense of what was due from such as I to such as he, I invited
the Regent himself! D'Aulnay, he will be here in half an
hour.
D'Aul. At last! At last! Oh, my child, how long and
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. ^
how bitterly have we waited for this ! Tortured as I have
been by the agony of impotent fury goaded into frenzy by the
sense of my utter helplessness under an accumulation of
intolerable insult ; and then to find him at last helpless and at
my mercy ! It is a revenge that is almost satisfying ! In half
an hour I shall be avenged, or beyond the reach of vengeance.
If I fall, my poor Clarice
Clar. (rises). No, no. For God's sake keep that thought
from me, or my resolution will give way ! If I am to go
through with this, I must nerve myself to it by every means
at my command! I must keep before me his repeated,
his incessant insults at the theatre in the streets nay, at
my very door. I must remember his threats, his letters, his
dastardly attempt to take me from you by force, and his mean
and cowardly evasion when brought by you to book. It is
enough to remember these things, for, when I do so, my blood
is a-fire, and I am as brave as you are.
D'Aul. My darling ! (Embrace. Noise of carriage-wheels
heard without.)
Clar. Hush ! They are coming ! You must go now.
When they have all arrived, I will contrive to detain him
here alone ! Oh, it will not be difficult ! Wait in the garden,
and watch your opportunity. Never fear but that it will
come !
D'Aul. God bless my darling, and give her courage !
Clar. I have it, D'Aulnay ! Fear not for me I am brave
as a man ! Farewell !
\IIe embraces her, and exit into garden. Voices hear
laughing and talking ivithout.
Clar. They are coming ! If he should be with them ! It
he should come fraught with death to my love ! But there,
this won't do. Courage, Clarice, courage ! Remember the part
you have to play !
Enter JOSEPH, announcing.
Jos. Monsieur de la Ferte, Monsieur de Courcelles, and his
Excellency the Yicomte de Mauzun.
Enter the three Gentlemen named (severally).
Clar. (with great gaiety}. Ah ! Monsieur de la Ferte, over-joyed,
indeed, to see you how kind of you to come ! I'm a lone widow
now, and must be consoled. De Courcelles? No, no, I'm not
going to call you Monsieur de Conrcellcs. (COURCELLES lows
and sits.) If we're not old friends now, we shall be some day,
8 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
and we'll discount the intimacy that is to be. Mauzun! Of
all men Mauzun ! Now this is indeed delightful ! (MAUZUN
lows ceremoniously.} Ah, bah ! how you great people bow and
scrape, and how we little people laugh at you for it ! Come, let's
all be little people to-night ?
Mauzun. We are indeed little people in the presence of
Madame D'Aulnay.
Clar. Clarice ! Clarice, if you love me. D'Aulnay's gone,
and let his name go with him. (MAUZUN "bows and converses
with COURCELLES.) May it do him more good than it did
me. Ha! ha! I believe, though, that ladies and gentle-
men of the dignified aristocracy don't get to Christian names
all at once.
La Ferte. Well, not all at once, perhaps ; but we generally
get to them in time.
Clar. Ah ! then we of the coulisses begin with them. We
only come to surnames when we quarrel, which we don't mean
to do, do we?
He-enter JOSEPH, announcing, followed ly the ABBE DUBOIS and
MONSIEUR DE GRANCY.
Jos. Monsieur 1'Abbe Dubois, Monsieur de Grancy.
Clar. Monsieur le Ministre, your very good servant to com-
mand. De Grancy, I'm overjoyed to see you. His Koyal
Highness ? Will he come ?
Dub. His Royal Highness will be here shortly, but unhappily
his stay will be but brief.
Clar. It is well he will come. It is most kind of him
to condescend to visit my humdrum home ! But I don't intend
to be humdrum any more. Will you teach me how not to be
humdrum ?
Dub. Alas, Madame! I have no pretensions to teach
experts.
Clar. No pretensions. The Abbe Dubois the great con-
versationalist, the brilliant epigrammatist ! What was that
you said about poor Clopin, the dramatic critic, who wrote a
bad play that Clopin forgot that his mission was not to write
plays, but to teach people how to write plays. I'd have given
a week's salary to have said that !
Dub. Madame, it is difficult not to be epigrammatic when
one speaks of a dramatic author. (Sits.)
He-enter JOSEPH.
Jos. Monsieur de Broglio and Monsieur le Docteur Choquart.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Enter the Gentlemen named.
Clar. Welcome, De Broglio. AVhy, Doctor my dear, deal-
Doctor, I had no idea that you were in Paris! Why, how
grave you are ! This is not a professional visit. You look as
glum as if you had come to attend a patient in extremis!
Doct. Shall I confess to you, Madame, that I am attending
one who, I fear, is in a very dangerous state.
Clar. (aside). What do you mean ? As I am in perfect
health, I must suppose that you are employing a figure of
speech.
[ The guests are conversing in groups during this, till the
Due D'ORLEANS is announced.
Doct. It is no figure of speech so to describe a good and
virtuous lady who, for the first time in her life, is playing
hostess to the roues of the Palais Koyal.
Clar. Doctor, you presume on your footing in my house.
Doct. Madame, I am D'Aulnay's friend.
Clar. Then what do 'you here ? These are not D'Aulnay'.s
friends.
Doct, I am here to protect you.
Clar. I need no protector. Trust me, I can protect myself!
Re-enter JOSEPH, announcing.
Jos. His Royal Highness the Regent of France.
Enter the Due D'ORLEANS attended lyfour Gentlemen. All
rise ; the guests bow ceremoniously.
Duke. Madame, I have the honour to salute you.
Clar. (curtseying formally'). Your Royal Highness is too
good. I am indeed honoured by Monseigneur's visit. That my
poor house should be so complimented is a distinction of which
I may be permitted to be vain.
Duke. If it be indeed a distinction, it is one that I would
gladly have conferred many months since, had I been permitted
to do so.
Clar. Ah, Monseigneur, be generous. You know how I was
situated ; my husband
Duke. Ah, the selfishness of these husbands ! They are the
curse of enterprise !
Clar. Nay, be just to them ; if there were no husbands there
would be no enterprise.
Duke. No doubt. How true it is that nothing, however
10 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
insignificant, was created without an object. Even husbands
have their value in the economy of nature. (Converses with the
other guests.)
Clar. Come, gentlemen, let us adjourn to the drawing-room.
We shall find cards, dice, and wine ready for us. Monsieur le
Ministre, we'll follow you ; but surely, I forget : your Koyal
Highness should have led the way. Oh, forgive my inex-
perience ! (The guests, some of whom have already ascended
the staircase, begin to enter the room above, in conversation with
each other as they go off.) Monseigneur will perhaps permit
me to take his arm ?
Duke. With every pleasure, Madame.
\By this time the party have all disappeared, and CLARICE
is alone on the stage with the DUKE.
Clar. Stop one moment my smelling-bottle.
Duke. Clarice why, you are fainting. (She leans on table by
stairs.)
Clar. No, no ; it is nothing ; I am subject to this. I shall
be strong again directly. May I trouble you to open the
window ?
Duke. By all means. (He opens the doors leading to the
garden.)
Clar. Thank you. How the air refreshes rne ! I am better
now. Let us follow the others.
Duke. No not yet, Clarice. Sit down here, with me, for
a few minutes. The fresh air will revive you.
Clar. Then pray join your friends. I will follow presently.
I am better, indeed.
Duke. Nay ; I must remain to watch the effect of my
prescription.
Clar. But what will they say ? Your friends will remark
our absence !
Duke. Have no fear. My friends are not in the habit of
canvassing my proceedings. (Sits beside her.) They are happy
enough without us. Let us be happy without them.
Clar. I am very happy.
Duke. And so there is an end of D'Aulnay at last ?
Clar. Yes ; I suppose so ! Poor D'Aulnay. They say he
is at Marseilles.
Duke. Why do you sigh ? Are you sorry for him ?
Clar. A little, perhaps. But I'm sure I gave him every
chance. I bore with him for a year.
Duke. What forbearance !
Clar. At first he was well enough. I mean, that when we
quarrelled, he owned I was right, and gave in. That did very
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. II
well. Then he vowed I was wrong but gave in. Well, that
was endurable. But at length it came to this, that he vowed
I was wrong, and he wouldn't give in. So, of course, we
parted. Still, he was not a bad fellow his faults were mere
faults of temper.
Duke. Madame, he has my profound consideration. I am
told that he is in the habit of expressing angry sentiments
towards me indeed, he has, on more than one occasion, done
me the honour of suggesting that I should cross swords with
him. It distressed me that I was unable to gratify him, but
under the artificial conditions of modern society, it was un-
happily impossible. I can conceive a highly rarefied state of
civilization in which it might be permitted to high and low
to run each other through the body without distinction of
rank ; but to that Utopian condition we have unhappily not
yet arrived. (Rises.) When we do, I shall be pleased to
oblige him ; but in the mean time the only balm I am per-
mitted to pour into his wounded soul is the assurance of my
profound consideration.
Clar. Still, duke, D'Aulnay is a man of noble birth.
Duke. Clarice, he is an actor.
Clar. He became an actor for love of me.
Duke. Pie did well and wisely. But when he resigned his
commission in the Body Guard, and took to the stage for his
living, he did me the injury of placing it out of my power to
recognize him as a gentleman.
Clar. Well, enough of D'Aulnay. Let us leave him alone.
Duke. With all my heart. (Returns, sits as before.} I trust
that he will return the compliment. (Taking her hand.}
Clar. Nay, duke, you go too far.
Duke. You are not in earnest when you say that. You
cannot be angry with me for loving you. (Putting his arm round
her ivaist.}
Clar. No, no, duke, I cannot allow this. Pray be careful ;
we shall be overheard.
Duke. Nay, Clarice, you shall hear me now. For months
you have received my homage with indignation, or with what
is still harder to bear, with silence. Maddened by my passion
I forgot what was due to you ay, and to myself. You dis-
missed me with contempt, and you were right, and I loved
you for it. Your eyes flashed scorn upon me. I deserved it,
and I loved you for it. Your lips withered with their con-
tempt. I had earned it, and I loved you for it.
Clar. Nay, duke have pity have pity !
Duke. After a bitter time of sickening disappointment, I am
12 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
raised to a pinnacle of happiness by this invitation. I take
it as an overture of peace am I wrong? I take it as a token
of reconciliation am I wrong? (D'ArjLNAY appears through
open door.') I take it as an admission that you can pity
forgive love. Tell me, am I wrong ?
D'Aul. Yes, M. le Due d'Orleans, you are wrong !
Duke, (starting to his feet after a pause). This is a trap.
Clar. (rises). Yes, sir, it is a trap.
Duke. You have deceived me cheated me !
Clar. Yes I have deceived you cheated you.
Duke. Why have you done this, actress ?
D'Aul. I, actor, will tell you. For more than a year, you,
the Due d'Orleans, Eegent of France, strong in the security
of a rank which I tell you, sir, you sully and degrade, have
blighted our home-happiness as with the breath of an obscene
pestilence. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have acted
like a knave. You have dared to assume that, because my
wife is an actress, you would find her the easy prey of your
carrion instincts. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have
acted like a madman. When, goaded to frenzy by your in-
cessant insults, I tried to bring you to book, you entrenched
yourself behind your dignity, and declined to recognize me.
In this, sir, you, Regent of France, acted like a coward.
Thrice have I challenged you, and thrice have you ignored
my challenge. I have stooped to this trap that I might lure
you into a confidence that would place you at my command.
And, sir, I command you to fight me!
Duke. If I refuse?
D'Aul. If you refuse, I will whip you like a dog. (Tarns to
CLARICE.)
Duke. A strong measure.
D'Aul. I hope so.
Duke (after a pause). Hark ye, sirrah, I am not in the
habit of explaining my course of action, and if I do so now,
it is that you may understand how little your threats affect
me. I refused to fight you because you are an actor, pro-
scribed by the State, excommunicated by the Church a
statutory vagabond and a social outcast. If a scullion were
to challenge me, I should so far recognize him as to have him
flogged. An actor is entitled to no recognition at all. Now,
sir, you have your answer. Stand aside and let me pass !
D'Aul. Stay. As you say, I am an actor, and the law
proscribes me. As an actor I have just attained the summit
of an actor's ambition an engagement at the Theatre Francais,
and that engagement is here. (Taking out a paper.} Well, sir,
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 13
I destroy that engagement (tearing it up ; throws it at his feet),
aud, on the honour of an officer and a gentleman, I will never
set foot upon the stage again. Now, sir, I am no longer an
actor. I have resumed my rank, aud you cannot refuse to
fight me.
Duke. It shall be as you wish. I only stipulate that it shall
never be known to any but our three selves that I have con-
descended to meet a person of your calling.
IfAul. Sir, the degradation I am about to inflict upon you
shall never be published by either of us.
Duke. Good! But one word. (To CLARICE.) Madame, I
am free to admit that I have wronged you and your husband,
and I should be loth to do further injury to yourself or to him.
But, Madame, it is right that you should, as you are your
husband's accomplice in this scheme of revenge, know that
I am an unerring swordsman, and if I fight your husband 1
kill him.
Clar. (after a pause). Monsieur le Due, you must fight.
Duke. So be it. When and where ?
D'Aul. Now, in this garden.
Duke. You are mad. The house is full of my friends.
Clar. Have no fear of them. I will take upon myself to
say that they shall not interfere. I charge myself with the
task of keeping their attention engaged until the issue is
known.
Duke. As you please. Have the goodness, sir, to show the
way. Madame, I regret that you compel me to atone for the
reparable wrong I have done you, by inflicting upon you an
injury that nothing can repair. Accept the assurance of my
sympathy.
[Exeunt DUKE into garden ; D'AULNAY embraces
CLARICE, and follows.
Clar. What have I done ? Am I mad ? He will be killed
D'Auluay will be killed! Oh no, no, no not that not
that ! It cannot be ! D'Aulnay my dearly loved ! my
heart ! my life ! Grace of Heaven, what have I done ? I
cannot bear it ! I must stop them ! (DOCTOR enters from
upper room in converse with LA FERTE ; rest of the yuests
follow, laughing, and in conversation. DOCT. The silver
mark is at 120 livres, gold 800 a depreciation of 70 per cent.)
D'Aulnay D'Aulnay come back! (Buns to window-door,
and opens it. As she does so half a dozen guests come down
the stairs laughing and talking. She suddenly closes the door
and puts her back to it.)
Dub. Eight thousand francs ! you shall have them on
14 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Thursday. Against such devil's luck who can fight ? I'faith,
not I! Clarice, alone? "Why, where's the Regent? (Two
more come down the stairs, one counting out money into the
other's hand.}
Clar. Alas ! Gone ! Despatches to dictate, I believe. You
will forgive my absence, but the Duke's time was precious, and
he feared to join you lest he might be tempted to overstay his
leisure. But are you tired of play already? (Tlireemore come
down.)
Dul). Nay, we came to seek you. To tell the truth, with-
out you the fun began to flag.
Clar. Well, let's whip it up again. What shall we do?
Tableaux? Charades? Proverbs? Come, for Heaven's sake
suggest something, somebody !
La Ferte. Shall we say tableaux ?
Dub. Gentlemen, we have all heard of Clarice's talent for
improvisation. May we pray that we may be favoured with
an example thereof ?
All. Yes, yes an improvisation.
Doct. Yes, by all means !
Clar. An improvisation good. Be it so ! On what subject
shall I improvise? Quick, quick a subject; you must give
me a subject any subject tragedy, comedy anything you
like only, for Heaven's sake, be quick !
La Ferte. We are here to amuse ourselves, and Clarice excels
in comedy.
Several Guests. Comedy ! Comedy !
Mauzun. Yes, she's great in comedy.
Doct. Comedy, by all means.
Clar. Comedy, then.
Dub. Gentlemen, to say that Clarice excels in comedy is
to admit that you have forgotten her " Death of Cleopatra."
La Ferte. Nothing to her " Quack Dentist with the Tooth-
ache."
Dub. The " Lament of Artemisia of Halicarnassus."
La Ferte. Not a patch on her " Pig-driver in a Fog ! "
Clar. Shall it be comedy, then ?
La Ferte. Tragedy !
Dub. Comedy !
Doct. Gentlemen, let us benefit by this difference of opinion.
Let us say comedy first, and tragedy afterwards.
All. Good, by all means, etc.
Clar. Good that's understood : comedy first, tragedy after-
wards. Come, give me a subject; quick, a comedy subject?
Heavens, how slow you are !
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 15
Mauzun. Stay one moment. (All attentive.}
Clar. What is it?
Mauzun. I heard a noise in the garden.
Clar. Oh, the servants amusing themselves, that's all. We
have our fun here, they have their fun there. Come, quick, a
subject.
Mauzun. Nay, I heard the clashing of swords I am sure of
it. (Going towards garden door.}
Clar. No, no ! Gentlemen, you must do me a favour ; you
must not venture into that garden ! The truth is I am pre-
paring a little surprise for you ; if you go into the garden now
you will spoil all. I am sure I need not say more. (Locking
door and giving the key to the DOCTOR.) Here, Doctor, I entrust
you with the key. I charge you allow no one to open that
door on any consideration. Now then, quick, a subject a
subject a subject !
Dub. Let me see. You are a strolling player ; you enter
a tavern you are challenged as to who you are, and you describe
yourself. There !
All. Bravo ! Very good ! etc.
Clar. Good ! I am an actor a strolling actor and I describe
myself. That's very good ; that will do. (All listening in-
tently, some grouped on the staircase, others seated.) One
moment ah now. (Recites ivith animated gestures.} " Who
am I, gentlemen ? I am Artaxerxes ! I am Antony the Great !
I'm a doge, a king, a councillor, a burgess, a lackey. I am the
constable who seizes the beggar; nay, I am the beggar seized
by the constable. I am everybody ; I am nobody. I command
and I obey. I feast starving ; I starve feasting. Beware of me,
for I am a very rogue a swaggering roysterer, with ragged
elbows, hat a-cock, and bilbo ready." (All laugh admiringly.')
Doct. Don't interrupt !
Clar. "A rogue, said I ? Nay, a highwayman a housebreaker
a murderer to command, at a purse of pistoles the job, and
short shrift to my quarry ! (Laughter.) But take heart ; I am
the best of men. I love good. I give purses. I bless all. Yet
do I curse freely, and, purses notwithstanding, I am but a greedy,
griping, grasping, miserly curmudgeon, who'd die i' the dark to
save a farthing rushlight a very Barabbas too, or a High
Pontiff, or a Grand Seigneur, with a dancing seraglio, as it shall
please you. I die thrice a-night, but they bury me not ; nay,
I am a ghost, with none to lay me ; but a ghost, look you, of
flesh, and to spare, yet not spare of flesh, as this rotundity
shall advise you. (All exclaim, " Admirable! " "Excellent ! "
etc.) And yet no ghost, but a very observable and most mortal
1 6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
man, with a pretty taste in flagons and an eye for a plump
brown wench, go to ! I am a bundle of contradiction a mass
of incongruities; here to-day, gone to-morrow a thing of no
moment : a breath, a puff ball, a gossamer ! Good sirs, I am
an actor ! " {An applaud DOCT. Marvellous ! A really fine
piece of acting. Dub. Excellent, indeed, without a doubt !
During this she is much overcome, looks anxiously towards
ivindow, totters, supports herself against chair.)
Clar. (resuming with a great effort). " If you ask me if you
ask me " (A cry heard without she breaks down.} Gentle-
men, I cannot go on ; my heart leaves me. My husband ! he is
without, with the Due d'Orleans. They are fighting ! I heard
his cry ! He is wounded, perhaps killed ! Oh, gentlemen,
gentlemen, for the love of Heaven separate them ! I have
caused this. He is my husband my dear, dear husband ! He
is my life, and I have caused this ; and oh, God, he is dying !
(Sobs hysterically on her knees.')
All. Admirable! excellent! (Half aside to each other.)
Clar. You look at me, but you do not move. Gentlemen,
I am not acting ; I am in fearful earnest. Oh ! my love ! my
love ! And I have done this ! As I speak my husband is
being killed ! Will none of you separate them ? (Goes to
door, and beats frantically against it.) D'Aulnay, D'Aulnay,
I am coming to you ! (She tvrenches at the door in vain, for it
is locked ; at last she leans exhausted against it.)
All. Bravo ! Admirable !
Dub. You see now why I asked for tragedy.
All. Excellent, indeed.
Clar. Oh men, men ! have you no eyes ? Don't you know
when a wretched woman is breaking her heart ? (Suddenly.)
Doctor! I gave you the key. (Rushing to the DOCTOR and
kneeling to him!) You are D'Aulnay's friend. The key ! for
God's sake give me the key ! (All exclaim as before.)
Doct. (looking attentively at her). Gentlemen, this woman
is not acting ! Her colour comes and goes she is in terrible
earnest.
Clar. Yes, yes, in terrible earnest ! They are killing him !
Oh, God, I cannot bear this.
Dub. Doctor, you have paid her the highest compliment an
actress ever received. If she can impose upon so old a hand as
you, she is an actress indeed !
La Ferte. Doctor, you're too emotional.
Doct. Gentlemen, at the risk of encountering your ridicule,
I shall take upon myself to believe she is in earnest and, so
believing, I shall unlock that door.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 17
All. Ha! ha!
Mauzun. Doctor, they're laughing at you.
Clar. God bless you ! he believes me ! he believes me !
[Quick ! the door the door !
[The DOCTOR goes to the door, and unlocks it, as the others
laugh at him. CLARICE rushes to the door and meets
her husband pale, without his coat and waistcoat,
and with a sword in his hand, which he ivipes with
a handkerchief.
Doct. D'Aulnay ! (All start. Momentary picture.)
Clar. (hurriedly in a ivhisper). Are you unhurt ?
jyAul. Quite. *
Clar. And the Duke?
D'Aul. Wounded to the death.
Clar. (recovering herself with a supreme effort, and leading
her husband forward). Gentlemen, I told you that I was pre-
paring a little surprise for you this is it ! Doctor, your pardon
for having made you an innocent accomplice in my little
deception. (DOCTOR, expressing annoyance, pulls out snuff-box ;
snuffs.} Gentlemen, T have only to thank you for the kind
applause with which you have been so good as to reward my
humble effort to entertain you !
[Curtseys. All the guests applaud, some ridiculing the
DOCTOR as the curtain falls.
in. c
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL FAIRY FARCE,
IN THREE ACTS.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
FREDERICK FOGGEKTY^
WALKINSHAW /
TALBOT, a Wholesale Cheesemonger.
DR. LOBB "i
> Mad Doctors.
DR. DOBB J
BLOGG, a Mad Keeper.
UNCLE FOGLE -\
WALKER v Wedding Guests.
BALKER j
Engaged in Act I. to FOGGERTY.
JENNIE TALBOT , EngQged {n Act IL to WALKINSIIAW ,
THE FAIRY REBECCA.
ROSELEAF
DEWDROP
Miss DE VERB, a Romantic Old Lady.
Miss DELIA SPIFF, a Matter-of-fact Old Lady.
LOTTIE \
} Jennies Bridesmaids.
TOTTIE
> Attendant Fairies.
TIE \
>
TIE )
AUNT BOGI.E, and Others.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
ACT I.
SCENE. Drawing-room in TALBOT'S house on the morning cf
his daughter's marriage to FOGGERTY. A large l>ow~
windoiu leads into a garden. TALBOT is discovered.
The following guests are disposed about the room UNCLE
FOGLE (a snuffy old gentleman), AUNT BOGLE (a stout
lady), WALKER and BALKER (tivo young men), and
others. All are in extremely low spirits, except TALBOT,
who endeavours to infuse a little cheerfulness into the
company. All wear favours.
All {sighing). Ah !
Uncle Fogle. Oh, dear me, dear me!
Tal. What is the matter with you all? Do try and be
cheerful. If my only daughter is going to be married to a
penniless young apothecary, there's no occasion to treat her
wedding as though it were a funeral. Pray, pray remember that
this is, after all, a festive occasion.
Fogle. My dear John, I wouldn't, for the world, say a word
to cast a gloom over these well, these rejoicings ; but I can't
help thinking, that, with her attractions, Jenny might have
looked a little higher. You understand, I don't say it I con-
fine myself to thinking it.
Aunt Bogle. You see, John, you know so little of Mr.
Foggerty.
Tal. I knew him when he was a little boy of nine ; ho was
a very clean little boy of nine.
Bal. Ah ! but a man's character is not formed at nine.
Fogle. However, it's no use crying over spilt milk.
Aunt B. Very true what's done can't be helped.
Walker. Except it's mutton and then what's under-done
can't be helped. (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.)
22 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
TaL (shaking WALKER'S hand). Thank you, Tommy ; it's
very kind and thoughtful of you to make that joke.
Walker. I'll make another presently.
TaL Thank you. I'm sure you will. I won't forget it. God
bless you, Tommy.
Aunt B. After all, Mr. Foggerty may be a very respectable
young man.
Uncle F. Equally, of course, he may not ; but let us not
anticipate disaster.
Tal. What was I to do ? Jenny has, somehow, got a ridiculous
idea into her head that she could never love any man who had
ever loved before, and she is weak enough to believe that she
has found this monstrosity in Foggerty. I've told her all sorts
of anecdotes to his disparagement not exactly true ones,
because I can't find out any but the sort of anecdotes that I
dare say are true if one only knew. It's a painful thing, gentle-
men, for a father to have to admit, but my undutiful girl won't
believe me.
Foyle. It's a sad thing when a girl won't believe her own
father !
Walker. If she won't believe her own father, whose father
will she believe? (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.)
Tal. Thank you, my boy thank you ! It was just the same
with poor, broken-hearted Walkinshaw. She fell in love with
Walkinshaw because she thought he had never loved before, but
she found out from Foggerty that Walkinsbaw had already been
engaged to somebody, so that settled him. Then she fell in love
with Foggerty. We did all we could to fix him with an affair
of some kind, but in vain ; it's true we did rake up an old
boyish flirtation of his, but he was rather young at the time
only nine and it's not likely to have been serious.
Aunt B. I don't know a boy who flirts at nine will flirt at
ninety, that's my experience.
Bal. Nine is a critical age a man's character is often formed
at niue.
Tal. (looking off). But Jenny's coming down she's in the
highest possible spirits, and I don't want her to be depressed.
Those who feel they really can't bear up had better, perhaps,
go and shed some tears in the garden (all go off except AUNT
BOGLE, UNCLE FOGLE, and TALBOT), and, those who remain,
please remember that you've been asked in order to contribute
to the general hilarity, and, for goodness' sake, don't forget that
this is really and truly a festive occasion. Come, let us all smile.
[All smile grimly as JENNY enters, in a flood of tears,
and dressed in morning dress. She is followed by
FOGGE&Tlr'S FAIRY. 23
LOTTIE and TOTTIE, dressed as bridesmaids. She
throws herself down on a chair, weeping bitterly.
LOTTIE and TOTTIE comfort her.
Jenny (weeping). Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ?
Tal. There's Jenny at it now ! Bless my heart, she'll have
a red nose at the church !
Lot. There, there don't cry don't cry !
Tot. It's sure to be all right don't cry !
Tal. Now what is it, and why are you not dressed? What
are you crying for?
Jenny. Oh, papa, papa I'm to be married this morning,
and
Tal. She's to be married this morning, and she's crying
about it! Isn't that like a woman? And whose fault is it, I
should like to know ?
Jenny. Oh, papa, I'm not crying because because I'm
g-g-going to be married to Frederick but I've g-got to be at
the church in half an hour, and my dress hasn't come home yet.
(Fresh burst of grief /) Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ?
Tal. Dress not come home ?
[During all this UNCLE FOGLE and AUNT BOGLE pre-
serve a ridiculous and immovable smile.
Jenny. No, it was tight under the arms, so I sent it back,
and it was to have come home this morning, and I've nothing
to wear !
Aunt B. Don't cry, child. I've my own wedding-dress at
home. It was made in 1820. I've never worn it but once.
I'll lend it to you.
Tal. Why, that'll be the very thing.
Jenny (sobbing). No no. You you're too fat. (UNCLE
F. and AUNT B., ivho have been smiling fixedly all this time,
suddenly look disgusted.) I mean I'm too thin. (Exeunt AUNT
B. and UNCLE F. in a huff.) Oh dear! what shall I do?
Tal. Come, come. I'll send for it. It'll be here directly.
(To LOT. and TOT.) Pick her up, my dears, pick her up, and,
above all things, don't let her have a red nose at the church.
Powder it, my dears; powder it. This is a festive occasion
and it absolutely must be powdered. [Exit TAL.
Lot. There ! It's sure to arrive in time.
Tot. I'm sure I hope it will, if it's only to spite the ill-natured
people who are always running Mr. Foggerty down.
Jenny. I don't care what they say. He has one virtue that
would sanctify him in my eyes though his errors were legion.
He, at least, has never loved before.
Lot. Well, it's possible, dear, of course.
24 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Jenny. Possible ! I have it on the very best authority. He
told me so himself. He ought to know, I suppose. '
Tot. He ought to, dear, of course.
Jenny. Oh, would you have me doubt the man I love?
Would you have me love the man I doubt? Oh no! no!
Love doubts not. Doubt loves not. He says he has never
loved, and it is enough.
Lot. (to TOT.) I'm sure I hope he hasn't, for if she found out,
too late, that he had deceived her, what would she do ?
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE.
Jenny (dreamingly). What would I do ? I don't know. It
would be something with a knife in it, and there would be
blood. I don't know whose perhaps his perhaps mine ! Oh,
I dare not think of it ! I dare not think of it !
Enter FOGQERTY, sticking a flower in his buttonhole.
Fog. There. It's wonderful how a tastily selected vegetable
sets one off. (Sees JENNY.) Jenny! My own! Why, not
dressed yet ? What's the matter ?
Jenny (dreamily). I say I dare not think of it.
Fog. Why not?
Jenny (dreamily'}. There would be blood, wouldn't there ?
Fog. If you dressed yourself? No, I don't see why there
should. There, go and put on your things.
Jenny (dreamily'). Yours or mine ?
Fog. Yours, of course. What do you mean ?
Jenny. I mean, if I found out that you had ever loved
another
Fog. Oh, of course, in that case mine ; I would shed it
myself.
Jenny. But you never have ?
Fog. I? Never!
Jenny. This flirtation when you were nine ?
Fog. It was nothing. She made eyes at me in church.
Jenny. And what did you do ?
Fog. I fled.
Jenny. In horror?
Fog. In horror. It was so bold of her. I was appalled.
Jenny. My delicate-minded Frederick ! Oh, he has never
loved till now !
Fog. Jenny, we are to be married to-day; do you think I
might
Jenny. I think so, dear ; it is our wedding-day.
Fog. Under the circumstances, I think. (Kisses her. Doth sigh.)
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 25
Jenny. I don't know how it is, it's very strange and un-
accountable and unwomanly; but, although my dress don't
fit, I feel almost happy !
Fog. I am glad you are happy, Jenny.
Jenny. I have always said that my love should only be
given to one who had never loved before. I will not have a
heart at second-hand. My husband must be one whose torch
of love was lit by me alone, and you are such an one, are
you not ?
Fog. Yes ; many a night and oft have I lain awake gazing
at the moon, and wondering what manner of thing this love
might be of which I had heard so much, this strange and
irrational desire to spend a lifetime with the adored object ;
and, when I renewed my old acquaintance with you, the sun
broke on my darkness, and all seemed clear as summer noon !
Jenny. My darling !
Fog. Do you think I might again ?
Jenny. Yes, dear, I think so.
Fog. No, no better not better not.
Jenny. In my eyes, a man who has once loved is as a defaced
postage-stamp interesting, perhaps, to the collector, but to all
others a thing of naught.
Fog. Such as poor Walkinshaw, for example.
Jenny. Such as Mr. Walkinshaw. I do not think I ever
loved him, but he interested me because I believed that I was
the first that had ever kindled the fire of love within his heart.
But, to my horror and disgust, before we had been engaged a
fortnight I learnt from you that he had already loved another.
Fog. I felt it to be my duty not to conceal from you a fact so
material to your happiness, my poor child.
Jenny. Poor then, but poor no longer. Rich in the devotion
of a heart that throbs for me, and me alone !
Fog. Oh ! don't you think I might venture once more ,
to- No, no. We can wait we can wait.
Enter WALKINSHAW. He is in a most depressed condition,
but gorgeously dressed, nevertheless.
Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw !
Wai. Nay, don't mind me. Proceed with your fondlings.
Time was when I could not have witnessed them. But I must
get used to it it's good practice. Go on.
Jenny. It's your own fault, Mr. Walkinshaw. You led me
to believe that yours was a virgin heart.
Fog. Too bad, Walkinshaw too bad.
2-3 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Wai. {furiously}. Foggerty, I submit to Miss Talbot's re-
proaches, for I respect and sympathize with the feelings that
give them birth. But from you I will not stand it. Take care,
sir take care !
Jenny. Wouldn't you rather retire, Mr. Walkinshaw ? It
must pain you to see us like this.
Wai. No I must learn to bear it. Go on ; but do it by
degrees. Put your arm around her waist, Foggerty. There
let me get used to that first. {Writhes in anguish?)
Jenny. If you had been all that you represented yourself to
be, you would to-day have stood in Frederick's place, and he
would, very likely, have been your best man.
Wai. And bad would have been the best ! Miss Talbot, it
is true that I had already loved, but whom ? A woman who
lived on actions for breach of promise who had already brought
eighteen such actions, and who was seeking every opportunity
to make me the defendant in a nineteenth. Foggerty, oblige
me by allowing Miss Talbot to rest her head on your shoulder.
Fog. Do you mean it? (She does so.}
Wai. Oh, it is hard to bear ! it is hard to bear ! ( Writhing.}
Now kiss her. (FOGGERTY does so.} Oh ! ! ! ( Writhing.}
Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw, you deliberately deceived me, and
I can never believe you again.
Fog. I'm surprised at you, Walkinshaw, I am indeed.
Wai. Miss Talbot, I admit that I deceived you. Still, if
you will so far forget the past as to extend credence to me when
I tell you, on the faith and honour of a broken-hearted gentle-
man, that your wedding-dress has just arrived, you will pour
one drop of balm into a wound that has hitherto yawned
balmless.
Jenny. My wedding-dress arrived ! And you brought it !
Oh, thank you, thank you. Mr. Walkinshaw, there is much
that is very nice about you. Oh, why did you deceive me
once ? But for that I might even now be but no (looking at
FOGGERTY), it is better as it is ! [Exit JENNY.
Fog. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Walkinshaw !
Wai. Cheat ! impostor ! snake !
Fog. Not at all, Walkinshaw. I've merely profited by your
example.
Wai. Oh, this is hard this is bitterl} 7 hard ! However,
you're not married yet, that's one comfort.
Fog. No; but I shall be in half an hour and that's
another.
Wai. Don't be too sure; I have news for you. Delia
Spiff, your late fiancee, arrived from Melbourne yesterday.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY, 27
. Are you in earnest ?
WaL Look at that. (Hands newspaper.}
Fog. (reads). Blackball line " Red Knight " -specie
passengers on board Miss Delia Spiff ! What's to be done ?
She'll come here of course ! The Talbots are her only living
relatives ! Why, she may arrive at any moment, and if she
should
WaL It would be a just retribution. You trifled with her,
sir ! (Sternly.}
Fog. Trifled with her ? Nonsense ! you can't trifle witli an
old woman with a green umbrella. Besides, I was in Mel-
bourne, starving, penniless. There, under my very nose, so to
speak, was a comic old dowager, absolutely rolling in bank
notes and sound securities rolling in them, sir under my
very nose ! What was I to do ?
WaL A man of proper feeling would have looked the other
way.
Fog. I had the bank notes before my eyes; they dazzled
me. I didn't see the dowager at least not clearly until some
weeks after I proposed for her. As soon as my eyes got used to
the glare of the money the dowager dawned upon me.
WaL How did she look ?
Fog. Fearful ! I couldn't do it. I couldn't, indeed. You
couldn't do it. I didn't like to tell her so, so I implied it
gently and delicately. In fact, I bolted, and came to England.
I found Jenny, the friend of my childhood, young and cheerful.
She was engaged to you; but, nevertheless, she was quite
cheerful. I felt it to be my duty to let her know how basely
you had deceived her. You were dismissed, and I stepped
into your shoes, in the assumed character of a gentleman who
had never loved before. And in half an hour I marry her.
WaL Supposing, always, that Spiff don't turn up.
Fog. Walkinshaw, she shan't turn up. I won't give her
time to turn up ; we'll be off at once. (Impatiently.) What
are we waiting for? Why don't they come? Why don't we
start? What an extraordinary thing it is that a woman
cannot be punctual! (Calling.} Jenny, are you ready?
What! "five minutes?" It's an unreasonable time. Can't
you come as you are? " Impossible? " Ridiculous ! (Getting
more impatient.} What is the reason of this preposterous
delay ? Why does everything go wrong to-day ? Why have
you got a confounded green waistcoat, and a ridiculous red tie ?
(Pulling him about.}
WaL Don't ! I'm dressed for a wedding !
Fog. Dressed for a wedding? You're dressed for a lobster
28 FOGGERTV'S FAIRY.
salad! (To footstool.} You get out! (Kicking it.} You're
always in the way !
Wai. (at door). This is what it is to play with women's
hearts ! But a terrible revenge will be mine. The wedding
breakfast has yet to be eaten, and I supply the wine. [Exit.
Fog. Upon my soul, I believe I'm the unluckiest dog
breathing ! I did think I was safe this time. She'll come here,
of course and then Why don't that girl come? (Call-
ing.} Jenny, do come along! Never mind the hooks and
eyes. You can do them in the carriage. What ? " Couldn't
think of such a thing." There, isn't that a woman all over?
Dress dress dress. Always dressing, and never done with it.
(Looking at ivatch.) Half-past eleven ! We shan't get to the
church for an hour, and if Delia should turn up ! It's fearful
it's more than fearful. It's appalling ! It's a fix that nothing
short of a fairy godmother could get me out of. Why haven't
I a fairy godmother ? People used to have them. You had
only to invite them to your christening, and they'd do anything
for you. Now, I call that gratitude. But fairy godmothers
are out of fashion now, and gratitude went out with them.
Still, if there is such a thing as a guardian angel watching over
me, here is an opportunity to show what she's worth, that may
never occur again. (Slow music. The wall opens, and the
fairy EEBECCA is discovered standing in front of a revolving
star. He does not see her, but lie hears the slow music.} There's
a confounded German band outside, with the clarionet out of
tune, as usual.
llcb. (coming doivn}. Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Eh ! (Turns and sees her.) Hallo ! I beg your
pardon, but
Reb. You don't know me ?
Fog. I that is Well, no, I don't know you.
Reb. I'm the Fairy Rebecca !
Fog. The Fairy Eebecca ?
Reb. Yes ; don't be frightened. I'm a good fairy.
Fog. Now, you be off ; we've nothing for you. Come, away
you go.
Reb. You don't believe me?
Fog. No, I don't believe you.
Reb. (humbly). Upon my word I'm speaking the truth.
I really am a fairy, lam indeed. Didn't you see me appear?
Fog. No.
Reb. I came through that wall right through it!
Fog. Can you disappear through it?
Reb. Certainly.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 29
Fog. Then the sooner you do it the better.
Reb. (going towards lualT). I think you're extremely
unkind. I came simply because I thought I might be of use
to you. But if you don't want me
Fog. Stop. Are you, by any chance, in earnest ?
Reb. Of course I'm in earnest; but it's the old story. Nobody
believes in us nowadays. Time was when we mixed ourselves
up, as a matter of course, in human business. We were a
power then, and people were afraid of us. Whenever an
important christening took place we were invited as a matter
of course, and if any one of us was neglected, it was bad for the
baby. Ah, those were days !
Fog. But that was some time ago. We don't associate
ladies of your calling with frockcoats and trousers.
Reb. Exactly ; and so our existence is reduced to a mere
question of tailoring. If tights and trunks came in again, I
suppose we should come in again with them.
Fog. I trust not. I trust not.
Reb. Why not?
Fog. Because they are not usually worn by ladies.
Reb. (pettishly). Come into fashion with them ! One has to
pick one's words in speaking to you, you are so matter-of-fact.
Fog. It's a matter-of-fact age.
Reb. Not particularly. Every age is matter-of-fact to those
who live in it. Komance died the day before yesterday. To-day
will be romantic the day after to-morrow.
Fog. Yes. Perhaps if you looked in again the day after to-
morrow
Rel. I'm speaking metaphorically. Don't be ridiculous.
Now then, business. I'm your tutelary fairy.
Fog. My what ?
Reb. Your tutelary fairy your guardian genius. I hover over
you like this. (Hovers.') You know what I mean.
Fug. Am I to understand that you're always hovering over
me when I don't know it?
Reb. Certainly.
Fug. Oh!
Reb. What's the matter ?
Fog. Nothing. It's embarrassing, that's all. I wish I'd
known it before ! Has this hovering been going on long ?
Reb. About eighteen months ever since your engagement
to Delia Spiff. The fact is I was sorry to see a fine young
man throwing himself away on a ridiculous old woman, so I said
to myself, "That young man's making a fool of himself; I'll
keep my eye on that young man,"
30 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. Oh! you know about Delia Spiff?
Reb. To be sure. We all know about it. It's a standing
joke up in Fairyland.
Fog. Is it ? It's rather a serious matter down here. But
can I offer you anything ?
Reb. Thank you. I'll take a glass of sherry and a biscuit.
(He helps her. She drinks.') Now, then, what s the difficulty?
Fog. Oh, it's about that woman ; she's the bane of my life !
I'm on the point of being married to a most delightful girl, and
I'm expecting Spiff to turn up every moment and claim me.
Reb. Ah ! I thought as much! Well, what do you want me
to do ? I can't strangle Delia, you know, because I'm a good
fairy.
Fog. What a pity.
Reb. (with alacrity). Yes ; but I know a bad fairy who'd do
it at once if I asked her.
Fog. No, no ! I don't want to hurt Delia ; but if you could
manage to marry her offhand to somebody to Walkinshaw,
for instance
Reb, No, it would be too hard on Walkinshaw. You see I'm
a good fairy ! The bad fairy I was speaking about would do
it with pleasure if I asked her; but it would take time, and
I suppose time is precious.
Fog. It is indeed. {Looking at his watch.) It's very annoy-
ing, for that woman's been the curse of my existence. All my
misfortunes have had their origin in my engagement to her,
and if I could blot her out of my existence I should be the
happiest man alive.
Reb. (musing). Blot her out of your existence? Well, I
think I could do that for you.
Fog. (delighted). You could !
Reb. Ye-es (considering), there's no difficulty at all about
that; but
Fog. Then I'll do it !
Reb. Don't be in a hurry. Think what you're about. If you
blot. Delia Spiff out of your career, you blot out at the same
time all the consequences that came of your having known her.
Fog. But, my good girl, that's exactly what I want to do!
Reb. Take care. The consequences of an act are often much
more numerous and important than people have any idea of.
Take your own case : you come of a good family, and you are
proud of it.
Fog. We are the Lancashire Foggertys.
Reb. No doubt. You didn't do much towards it, and I don't
see what you've got to be proud of; but still, proud you are.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 31
Now you would never have been born if your father had never
met your mother.
Fog. I suppose not.
lieb. And your father met your mother in this wise. Some
thirty-six years ago, as he was walking down Regent Street, his
attentions were directed to a sculptor's shop, in which was a
remarkable monument to a Colonel Culpepper, who died of a
cold caught in going into the Ganges to rescue a favourite dog
which had fallen into it. An old schoolfellow passed by, and,
touching your father on the shoulder, asked him to dinner.
Your father went, and at the dinner met your mother, whom
he eventually married. And that's how you came about.
Fog. I see. If my father hadn't had that invitation to dinner
I should never have been born.
Reb. No doubt; but your existence is primarily due to a
much more remote cause. If your father hadn't loitered opposite
the sculptor's shop, his schoolfellow would never have met him.
If Colonel Culpepper hadn't died, your father would never have
stopped to look at his monument. If Colonel Culpepper 's
favourite dog had never tumbled into the Ganges, the Colonel
would never have caught the cold that led to his death. If
that favourite dog's father had never met that favourite dog's
mother that favourite dog would, never have been born, neither
would you. And yet you're proud of your origin !
Fog. I see. I never looked at it in that light. It's humili-
ating, for a Lancashire Foggerty.
Reb. It is humiliating. Well, now you see where you are,
and you can do as you like. Here is a small phial and a box
of prepared pills. When you wish to eliminate a factor from
your social equation, all you have to do is to express your wish
and swallow the draught. When you wish to see me, all you
have to do is to express your wish and swallow a pill. But
take my advice, don't use it except in the last extremity.
Remember, if you obliterate an act and its consequences, it's
impossible to say what incidents may not have taken their
place. You are pretty nearly sure to lind yourself in an entirely
altered state of circumstances.
Fog. I understand. But
Reb. Yes?
Fog. There's one question I should like to ask This is not
a pantomime ?
jRei. Bless the man, no.
Fog. It won't end in my being changed into Harlequin, and
Jenny into Columbine, or any nonsense of that sort, will it ?
Because if it does
32 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Eeb. You need not alarm yourself. This is not a Pantomime,
but a very graceful and poetical Fairy Extravaganza. Rather
dull, perhaps, but quite refined, and containing nothing what-
ever that could shock the sensibilities of the most fastidious.
Fog. That's quite sufficient. You understand the nature of
my objection ? ;
Eeb. Perfectly
Fog. It wouldn't be dignified
Eeb. I quite understand.
Fog. A Lancashire Foggerty jumping through a window !
Eeb. Oh ! it wouldn't do at all. Well, I must be off now,
for I've got to dance second in a ballet in a fairy glen in half
an hour. Remember, when you eliminate an act from your
career, all its consequences, direct and indirect, are eliminated
with it ; so take my advice, and don't use it except in a last
emergency. Where's my vampire? (Looking around.} Oh!
I see thank you. (Placing herself opposite Vampire.} All
right. Go !
[Vampire opens. She steps into it, it closes, and she dis-
appears. Hurried music.
Fog. (bewildered}. So I've a guardian spirit, have I ? I'm a
sort of human ward in fairy chancery, and wherever I go, and
whatever I do, there's a supernatural lady always at hand,
popping in upon me when I least expect it, and looking down
upon me when I haven't an idea of it. It's complimentary
it's even gratifying but it's distinctly embarrassing. I'll
defy any man to feel unconstrained and at his ease when he
knows that there's an invisible young woman at his elbow all
day long; and as for this phial how do I know that my
position will be improved if I use it? I don't like these
unknown incidents that she alludes to. There's such a thing
as getting out of the frying-pan into the fire. By Jove, when
I think of the difficulties and dangers with which I'm sur-
rounded, I feel uncommonly inclined to begin at the beginning,
and wish that Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog's father had
remained a bachelor to the end of his days !
Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE.
Oh, here you are at last. Now let's be off.
Jenny. And haven't you a word to say about my dress ?
Fog. Eh, what ? Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Now, do come !
Lot. Isn't it lovely ! Isn't it quite too charming ?
Tot. And look at the lace ! It's Venetian point. And the
bouquet ! and do look at the wreath ! It's absolutely heavenly.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 33
Fog. Damn the wreath !
Jenny. Oh! {Bursts into tears.} Oh dear! did you hear
what he said ?
Enter OLD TALBOT and WALKINSHAW, with the other guests
from garden.
Fog. Here you are at last !
Tal. Yes, all ready. Now then. (Sees JENNY crying.) Why,
what's the matter now? You've got your dress, and what
more do you want?
Jenny (crying). Oh, papa ! It's Frederick !
Tal. What has he done ? Don't he like the dress ?
Jenny. Yes yes, he he likes the dress, but but he
damned the wreath!
Tal. (horrified). Foggerty, did you seriously damn that
wreath ?
Fog. Well, I damned it, but not seriously. It was a figure
of speech.
Tal. (to JENNY, ivho is whimpering}. There, there, you hear.
It was a figure of speech. (To the others.} It was a poetical
metaphor. A man may be allowed to indulge in a poetical
metaphor on his wedding-day.
Walker. If a man may not be allowed to indulge in a poetical
metaphor on his own wedding-day, on whose wedding-day
777 ay he?
All. Ah! (Sighing.)
Fogle. I cannot refrain, even at this supreme moment,
from
Fog. Stop I know what you're going to say. I'm utterly
unworthy of her. With her money, she might have done much
better, and, no doubt, there's a good deal against me, if you
only knew it. That's what you were going to say. Isn't it ?
All. It is.
Fogle. That sort of thing.
Fog. Well, then, I quite agree with you. It's carried
unanimously. Now, let the subject drop.
Tal. Jenny, take my arm Uncle Fogle offer your arm to
Aunt Bogle ; Walker take Lottie ; Balker take Tottie ; Foggerty,
3'ou follow with Walkinshaw, as a matter of course. (To all,
who are looking very miserable.) Now, my dear friends, can't
you manage to get up a smile ? This is not a funeral.
Aunt B. Very true. Let us all smile.
[All smile except WALKINSHAW, u*ho is scowling.
Tal. Walkinshaw, if you don't smile you shall go home.
Jenny. Oh, Mr. Walkinshaw, pray smile, for my sake!
III. D
34 FOGGERTy*S FAIRY.
Wai. For your sake ? (Sighs, then, with an effort.) For your
sake I will! (Assumes a forced smile.)
Tal. That's it capital! and whatever you do, mind you
keep that up. Now, then, away we go !
[They move toiuards door, when it opens, and Miss DELIA
SPIFF enters. She is a very eccentric-looking old
lady, and carries a large green umbrella.
Miss S$>iff. Stop !
All. Who is this ?
Fog. (horrified). Delia Spiff! I knew it! I'm a ruined man !
Jenny. Why, I declare it's Aunt Delia !
All. Aunt Delia ?
Miss Spiff. Yes ; Aunt Spiff, arrived at Victoria Docks this
morning, from Melbourne.
Jenny. Why, how fortunate! You're just in time for my
wedding !
Miss Spiff. Your wedding? Whom are you going to marry?
Tal. Mr. Frederick Foggerty.
Miss Spiff. Oh, indeed !
Fog. (confused). Delighted, I'm sure.
Miss Spiff, (to FOGGERTY). Well, you're a pretty fellow, you
are !
Jenny. Frederick is generally admired.
Miss S2)iff. (to FOGGERTY). So I've caught you at last,
have I ?
Jenny. What do you mean ?
Miss Spiff. That young man belongs to me.
All. What!
Miss Spiff. Here it is black and white. (Producing docu-
ment.) He admired me. I can't imagine what he saw in me
to admire, but he saw something. I attracted him ; he grew
attentive. I fascinated him ; he grew sentimental. I was coy;
he proposed to me. I accepted him ; he grew indifferent. I
sang to him ; he wearied of me. I danced before him ; he fled !
Wai. Oh, Foggerty, for shame ! Too bad.
Tul. (dismally). You needn't smile any more at present,
gentlemen.
Jenny. Frederick, what does this mean ?
Fog. I believe she refers to me. It's nothing. It's a figure
of speech, a mere form, commonly employed by elderly Aus-
tralian ladies in in renewing a a Platonic acquaintance.
(Eel apses.)
Tal. You hear ? It's a figure of speech, a flight of metaphor
nothing more.
Walker. If an elderly Australian lady may not be allowed to
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 35
indulge in a flight of metaphor on renewing a Platonic acquaint-
ance, who may ?
Tal. To be sure. Thank you, Walker. (To company.} It's
all right, you can smile again. (All smile mechanically.}
Miss Spiff. Stuff and nonsense. There ain't much metaphor
about me. I'm a plain fact.
Fog. A hideous fact !
Jenny (with an effort). Aunt Delia, am I to understand that
Mr. Frederick Foggerty offered marriage to you ?
Miss Spiff (indignantly). Why, to be sure you are ! What
do you suppose he offered?
Jenny. It is well. I renounce him. You can go home,
everybody. There will be no wedding to-day. Oh, papa,
papa ! to think that even he has loved before ! (Sobs on
TALBOT'S breast.)
Tal. (to company, who have preserved their fixed smile
through this). You needn't smile now, gentlemen. (All scowl.)
Fog. Jenny I haven't I didn't it it was a Platonic
engagement.
Miss Spiff. A Platonic fiddlestick !
Fog. Miss Spiff, you will not insist on your bond. You will
be merciful! You will not dash the cup the dash it, the jug
of happiness from my lips. You have a great heart, and so you
will not do these things !
Miss Spiff. Won't I ? Come to the altar ! (Collaring him.)
Tal. But my good woman.
Miss Spiff. Woman yourself. (To FOGGERTY.) Come to joy !
Tal. Now, pray do be reasonable. Pray do let's have a little
common sense.
Miss Spiff. You shall. You want it. Hark ye, sir. You
are in trade ?
Tal. 1 am. Wholesale.
Miss Spiff. So am I. Wholesale. What's your stock V
Tal. Mine's cheese.
Miss Spiff. Mine's charms. It's a small business. There
ain't many of them, and what there are ain't much to speak of.
The stock's damaged, isn't it ?
Tal. Well, as for that, I can hardly be so ungallant as to
admit, to a lady's face, that that
Miss Spiff. tStuff and nonsense. Is it damaged or is it not ?
Come! out with it. Yes, or no?
Tal. Well, if you put it in that way, it is damaged.
Miss Spiff. Not the sort of goods that one can get off one's
hands every day in the week ?
Tal. Oh, I don't say that. I can quite understand, for
36 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY.
instance, that a snug, elderly gentleman, with a comfortable
independence, would
Miss Spiff (abruptly}. Will you have me ?
Tal. (taken aback). God bless me, no !
Miss Spiff. Of course you wouldn't, and you're right. /
wouldn't if I was you. Well, I've had a bid from that ridicu-
lous young man. I knocked myself down to him and he fled.
Fog. (on the sofa, feebly). In all cases of dispute the goods to
be put up again and knocked down to the highest bidder.
Miss Spiff. But there ain't any dispute. Here it is black
and white. (Producing document.') " I, Frederick Foggerty,
agree to marry you, Delia Spiff," and so on. I had it stamped.
Easiness.
Fog. Jenny, once more, save me from this catastrophe !
After all, you are rich, and it's a mere question of compensation !
Jenny. Away, sir ! I regard you with horror ! You have
deceived a trusting young heart !
Miss Spiff. And a suspicious old one !
Aunt Bogle. Go, viper ! We expected something of this sort.
Tal. But
Miss Spiff. Come to the altar come to joy. (Collaring
FOGGERTY.)
Tal. This is most exasperating on a festive occasion !
Confound you, why didn't you turn up before, ma'am ? That
wedding-dress wasn't made under twenty pounds, and it's
wasted ! Then there's the breakfast, and the carriages, and a
new pair of trousers bought expressly for the occasion !
Miss Spiff. Don't distress yourself. I'll take them off your
hands.
Tal. They're not on my hands they're on my legs, and I
won't have them taken off on any account !
Miss Spiff (to FOGGERTY). Now, sir, are you ready ?
Fog. Talbotj won't you say a word for me ? Uncle Fogle,
Aunt Bogle, Lottie, Tottie, Walker, Balker ?
[All turn from him.
Uncle Fogle. Not a word, sir. We felt sure of this all along,
but, from motives of delicacy, we didn't say so. We confined
ourselves to thinking it.
Lot. We consider that Jenny has had a most fortunate
escape.
Tot. And we hope it will be a lesson to you for the future.
Fog. It's all over. I'm lost ! Lead me away !
Miss Spiff. Come to joy !
Fog. Stop ! The draught ! Kebecca's draught ! I forgot
that ! Matters couldn't look worse than they are. It's a
FOGGERTY S FAIRY. 37
desperate remedy, but it's my only way out of it ! (Staggers.)
Oh! oh! Help! I'm fainting!
Jenny. Gracious, he's fainting.
[They wheel the sofa. JENNY rushes to him and supports
him ; he struggles to loosen his collar.
Miss Spiff. Fainting ? Here's a pin. Prick him.
Jenny (to Miss SPIFF). You brute ! The eau-de-cologne
quick !
Fog. My tie, undo it ! My waistcoat ! Give me air ! give
me water! Quick! quick! Water water water! (Gasp-
ing, and kicking violently, on sofa.)
Jenny (in great distress). Oh, give him water give him
water, somebody !
[WALKINGSHAW has poured out a glass of water and
handed it to him. Slow music to end of act.
Fog. (rising and deliberately pouring the contents of the
phial into the glass of water). Ladies and gentlemen, I de-
liberately wish that my acquaintance with Miss Spiff, and all
its consequences, may henceforward be blotted out of my
existence !
[They all fall back in astonishment as FOGGERTY drinks.
He falls insensible on sofa. All group round him
as he falls. Picture.
ACT II.
SCENE. A handsomely furnished back drawing-room in Harley
Street. A wedding-bouquet on table. FOGGERTY is dis-
covered asleep on a sofa. Enter FAIRY KEBECOA through
trap in stage.
Heb. (looking at FOGGERTY). Well, it's about time to wake
him. Poor fellow, he little thinks how materially his acquaint-
ance with Miss Spiff has affected his subsequent adventures !
Now that he has obliterated her and all the complicated
consequences that came of his having known her, he won't
know whether he's on his head or his heels. I'm really rather
sorry for him. However, I mustn't allow sentiment to interfere
with duty. It's time to wake him, so here goes.
[ Waves wand. FOGGERTY yaiuns, stretches himself and
wakes.
Fog. (half awake). Hallo! I've been asleep. (Yawns.)
38 FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
Drearuiug too ! What queer things dreams are ! I dreamt
that a Fairy appeared to me and gave me an ounce bottle,
and told me that if I swallowed the contents (Sees the
phial in his hand.} Hallo ! steady man, steady pull yourself
together! Why, as I am alive, here it is. The very one.
(Reads direction label.} " To obliterate a circumstance, take
two tea-spoonfuls in a glass of water." Then it couldn't
have been a dream ! I remember it all now. I was on the
point of being married to Jenny and Spiff turned up and
I determined to blot out Spiff and I suppose I have blotted
her out (looking round) ; at all events she isn't here. (Sees
REBECCA). Hallo !
Reb. Hallo!
Fog. Well ! Here we are again !
Reb. Yes, here we are again.
Fog. So Spiff's blotted out ?
Reb. Yes ; Spiff's done with ; no more Spiff.
Fog. No chance of her coming back eh ?
Reb. None whatever. Your acquaintance with Spiff and all
its consequences are blotted out of your existence.
Fog. Come, that's something. But I don't know this room.
Where am I ?
Reb. You're where you would have been if you'd never
known Spiff.
Fog. Of course I am ; but where's that ?
Reb. Can't tell, I'm sure.
Fog. Don't you know ?
Reb. I don't say I don't know ; I only say I can't tell.
Fog. Doesn't it occur to you that for a guardian spirit you
take a rather airy and, if I may so express myself, philosophical
view of your duties ?
Reb. A guardian spirit? Oh, I'm not your guardian
spirit now.
Fog. The deuce you're not ?
Reb. Oh dear, no ; that's all over wiped out with Spiff.
Fog. And w liy wiped out with Spiff ?
Reb. You will recollect that I became your guardian spirit
because I was sorry to see a fine young man throw himself
away upon such an old scarecrow as Spiff.
Fog. Well?
Reb. But as you haven't thrown yourself away upon Spiff,
the occasion for my services hasn't arisen. You see you never
knew Spiff.
Fog. Ob. May I ask if any other friends have been Spiffed
out.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 39
Reb. Once more, I'm not at liberty to say. (Going to trap.}
You'll excuse me, I'm sure.
Fog. But you're not going without giving me some clue to
my position ?
Reb. I must ; I can't help you, you must find it all out for
yourself. I'm due at a Transformation Scene to change a respect-
able young plumber and a good plain cook into Harlequin and
Columbine, and the gas is a serious item. I'm sorry I can't be
of any further service to you; but, you see, I'm Spiffed out!
Good morning. (On trap.) Go !
[She stamps her foot and disappears through trap.
Fog. (in bewilderment}. But, here, I say ! I've no idea where
I am, or who I am, or how I'm here, or whose house this is,
and how I came into it or, for that matter, whose trousers
these are, and how I came into them I What am I to do ?
I can't go about asking people if they'll kindly tell me who
I am, or if they'll be so obliging as to inform me where I live,
or what I did yesterday, or what I've arranged to do to-morrow;
they'd take me for a lunatic ! And Jenny, how about Jenny ?
is she Spiffed out ? No, no. I knew her long before I knew
Spi(V. So that can't be. Now, let me see. I was on the point
of being married to Jenny when Spiff turned up and prevented
the marriage. But Spiffs obliterated. So, of course the
marriage went on, and of course I'm married to Jenny. By-
the-by, I wonder if I've been married to her long ? I hope
not. When you're head over ears in love with a girl, as I was
with Jenny, it's disappointing to go to sleep and wake up and
find that you've been married to her ever so long, and got
tired of her, as I'll be bound I have of Jenny. (Finds a letter
in his pocket.} Hallo! Here's a letter. It's addressed to me
and opened ! Now, who the deuce has dared to open letters
addressed to me? Oh! I suppose /did. I don't recollect
doing it, but that doesn't seem to signify. (Reads.} " Dearest,
take heart." Hallo ! this is not Jenny's hand ! (Resumes.)
" Dearest, take heart. Situated as we are towards one another,
I do not think it would be quite prudent in me to call upon
you." No, I should think not ! " Nevertheless, in the course
of to-morrow, I hope to be in a position to remove, for ever,
the crushing load of anxiety under which you have so long
laboured." That's all ! No signature. Humph ! It seems
that I'm infernally anxious about something; it would be
convenient to know what it is. I'll ask Jenny. But, stop
a moment, perhaps Jenny doesn't know of this letter. Now,
I wonder if she knows of it. I'll be bound she doesn't know
of it. There's something about this letter I don't know what
4 o FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
but something that suggests that in all probability I
shouldn't have shown it to her. Humph ! I am extremely
sorry to say that, notwithstanding the strictness of my prin-
ciples, circumstances seem to point to the fact that I've been
going it.
Enter LOTTIE and TOTTIE in the lonnets and dresses they wore
in Act I.
Lot. Oh, Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Lottie! Tottie ! I'm delighted to see you. I'm delighted
to find that you're not Spiffed out.
Tot. Not Spiffed out ? Ob, but we natter ourselves
that we are spitted out ; at all events, we've got our best
dresses on.
Lot. I should think so ; on this day of all others.
Fog. Of course; but I didn't mean that. Never mind.
(Aside.) Now, by a judicious course of pumping, I shall
rind out exactly how I'm situated. (Aloud.) Well, what
is it?
Tot. A lady has sent this up (giving card), and says she
must see you at once.
Fog. (looking at card). Malvina de Vere ! I don't know
Malvina de Vere.
Lot. Oh, that's nonsense. She says you are her dearest
friend.
Fog. Oh, absurd !
Lot. Well, that's what she says.
Fog. The deuce she does ! (Aside.) Now, this must be
eome one whom I should have known, if I hadn't known Spiff
some one, in fact, who's been Spiffed out. This is awkward.
I wonder if Jenny knows of this ? (Aloud.) By-the-by, where
is Jenny ?
Lot. Jenny? Oh, she's upstairs, poor girl.
Fog. (aside). "Poor girl?" Why " poor girl," I wonder?
(Aloud.) Ah, poor girl ! How is she by this time?
Tot. Oh, pretty well.
Fog. Pretty well ? Not very well ?
Tot. Why, you can hardly expect her to be very well, on this
day of all others.
Fog. Naturally. (Aside.) I wonder what day of all others
this is?
Lot. But still she is as well as can be expected.
Fog. As well as (Aside.) I see where I am now.
I've been married some time, and I wonder if it's a boy or
FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 4'
a girl ! It would be ridiculous to ask. I'll go and sco her.
(Going.')
Tot. Where are you going ?
Fog. Going? Why, to see Jenny, of course.
Tot. Oh, you can't possibly see her, she's dressing.
Fog. Well, what of that?
Lot. Upon ray word, Mr. Foggertj',
Tot. You can't go up to her; you must really wait till she
comes down.
Fog. Oh, she is well enough to come down, is she ?
Lot. What a question ; and on this day of all others ! Of
course she is.
Fog. Exactly; on this day of all others. (Aside). What
does she mean by " this day of all others " ?
Tot. It's a day / never expected to see.
Fog. Didn't you? Bless me, I knew all about it from the
first.
Lot. When one thinks of all the circumstances of the case,
one sees how true it is that truth is stranger than fiction.
Tot. Oh, what a novel it would make! Only think. The
young and penniless apothecary who had never known what
love was
Lot. The wholesale cheesemonger's daughter
Tot. Their meeting the dawn of love in the apothecary's
heart
Lot. The opposition of the cruel and mercenary parent
Tot. Her determination to wed the apothecary at all
hazards
Lot. Everything at a dead lock ! Then the discovery of the
pill-
Tot. At midnight
Lot. Its sudden renown
Tot. The pill in everybody's mouth
Lot. Stupendous fortune realized by the inventor in no
time. All opposition removed, and they're to be married
to-day !
Fog. (who has been looking from one to the other in bewildered
wonderment during this dialogue). To-day !
Lot. Of course ! The successful young apothecary and the
cheesemonger's lovely daughter are to be united to-day.
Fog. (aside). To-day! (Aloud.') But I thought you said
she was as well as could bo expected ?
Lot. Well, so I did, and so she is.
Tot. Bless the man, she's nervous and excited, of course, but
she's not too ill to be married,
42 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Lot. I should think not, indeed; one must be bad for that!
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE, laughing.
Fog. Then I'm not married after all, and, what's more, I'm to
be married to-day .' Why, of course, here's the wedding-
bouquet? I see it all now. I've invented a pill, the pill's
taken Fm a man of fortune and the wedding is to take
place from my house. Why, with a little tact a little judicious
pumping how easy it all is. By-the-by, I wonder where I
live? (Looks out of window.) Harley Street ! Of course it's
Harley Street. A man who invents a successful pill always
does live in Harley Street ! But this lady my dearest friend
on earth. That's awkward on one's wedding-day. I can't
imagine anything more awkward on one's wedding-day. Does
Jenny know of this ? I'll be bound Jenny does not know of
this. There's something about this lady's method I don't
know what that convinces me that I shouldn't have told Jenny
anything about her. Foggerty, my boy, I'm extremely sorry
to say that circumstances point to the fact that you've been
going it !
Enter Miss DE VERE. She is a tall, stately lady of middle age
and tragical demeanour. She stands at the door for a
moment gazes at him melodramatically then rushes to
his arms.
Miss de V. Frederick! At last! at last! (Gazes at him
fondly.}
Fog. (aside). She's a bosom friend no doubt about that!
(Aloud, and much embarrassed?) I a have much pleasure
in
Miss de V. Don't speak, not yet (gazing at him), not yet,
I entreat you ! Let me drink you in !
Fog. Certainly. Be so obliging as to say when you've had
enough.
Miss de V. There I'm satisfied.
Fog. (aside). I wish I was.
Miss de V. Now speak to me ! Oh ! my love ! My tender,
tender love ! Speak to me as you used to speak to me call me
by the name by which you used to call me !
Fog. Really (Aside.) By George, I have boon going it !
Miss de V. The old, old name the pet name of so many
happy memories oh, call me by it, call me by it !
Fog. Certainly; I (refers to visiting card) I believe I have
the a pleasure of addressing Miss de Vere?
Miss de V. Miss de Vere! (Drawing herself lack in great
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 43
surprise.} Miss de Vere? Why, what means this? Why
this extraordinary coolness, why this chilling formality and
on this day of all others ?
Fog. I beg your pardon, but you took me so completely by
surprise.
Miss de V. By surprise? Have you forgotten my note, and
your reply to it ? Read it, sir, read it. {Gives him a note.)
Fog. With very great pleasure. {Aside.) Now I shall find
out that infernal pet name. (Reads.} "My own." That's all.
(Disappointed.) I hate a fellow who calls a girl "his own."
(Reads.) " I recognize the propriety of your scruples in the par-
ticularly delicate relation in which we stand towards each other.
But I implore you to come and see me to-morrow morning,
nevertheless." There, you see it says " to-morrow morning."
Miss de V. This is to-morrow morning.
Fog. Nonsense, that can't be, that's ridiculous. {Refers to
note.) Oh, I see, it was dated yesterday.
Miss de V. And now, sir, before I proceed to that extreme
measure to which I have been unhappily so frequently com-
pelled to resort, perhaps you will be so good as to explain and
satisfactorily account for the extraordinary coldness of your
reception.
Fog. My coldness ? Oh, that was my scrupulous regard for
the respect due to you in the particularly delicate relation in
which we stand to one another.
Miss de V. It was ?
Fog. It was. Miss de Vere, I find it hard, very hard to con-
tinue this assumption of indifference to you; but I am proud
I am proud to say, that my better man is triumphant.
Miss de V. I see ! I understand it all !
Fog. (aside). Then, by George, you've the advantage
of me !
Miss de V. You will forgive the undeserved reproaches with
which in my jealous madness I dared to assail you V
Fog. Say no more about them they are pardoned.
Miss de V. Why, what a mad fool was I !
Fog. You were -I mean no not at all. (Aside.) I wish
she'd go.
Miss de V. But I have been so often the victim of heartless
and systematic treachery !
Fog. Have you ?
Miss de V. Why, you know I have.
Fog. So I do of course I know you have ! Poor girl, poor
girl ! When I think of your sad story
Miss de V. Ah ! it is a sad story !
44 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
Fog. I know it is. (Aside.) That's a sad story ! (Aloud.)
But, bless me, it's eleven o'clock, and I've a most important
engagement in half an hour, and I'm not dressed. Will you
excuse me ?
Miss de V. Oh, by all means.
Fog. I suppose my dressing-room's upstairs?
Miss de V. Keally, Mr. Foggerty, I don't know where your
dressing-room is !
Fog. No, of course not. How should you?
Miss de V. Exactly. How should I? But won't you say
farewell to me before you go ?
Fog. With great pleasure. But, at the same time, in
accordance with the pledge contained in that letter, I must
firmly resist the temptation to address you by that old pet
name of happy memories, until the relations between us have
become more indelicate that is to say, less delicate than they
are.
Miss de V. It is nobly spoken ; it is like your heroic self.
But you are anxious, are you not? You do burn with a
feverish anxiety to hear the word that is to be spoken this
afternoon ?
Fog. Miss de Ver<?, I assure you, on the honour of a
Lancashire Foggerty, that I am tormented with a fidgety
anxiety on an infinite number of topics, and on that among
others ! Good morning. \_Exit.
Miss de V. He is gone ! How strange and incoherent his
manner how wild and flighty his eye ! Oh, mercy on me !
can it be that he, too, is false to me ? Can it be that I shall be
once more driven to resort to the last and hated means of
vindicating my rights ? No, no I'll not believe it and yet
(Sees breakfast in back room.) Why, what is this ? By the
God of Treachery it is a wedding-feast! Whose? Oh, im-
possible ! and yet, his strange embarrassment his evasive
hesitation! Oh, misery oh, misery, if it should be! Why,
what a cursed thing am I? What have I done that this blight
should fall on me wherever I go ? Why does Infidelity dog
my path, while the serpent Treachery lifts his head on high
and hisses forth a loud ha ! ha ! Oh, ye Fate-hags three ;
soul torturers, my defiance to ye all ! The fight is betwixt ye
and me, and I am not made of the stuff that yields.
Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, as in Act I.
Jenny. There, I think I look lovely ! (Sees Miss DE VERB.)
A lady !
fOGGERTTS FAIRY. 45
Miss de V. (aside, with emotion). It is the bride ! Down,
down, my heart ! (Aloud.) Fear not, pretty one ; I am but
Malvina de Vere a very sorrowful lady.
Jenny. I am sorry you are sorrowful.
Miss de V. (with an effort). And you you are the bride in
whose honour these festive preparations have been made ?
Jenny (sighing). Yes, I'm to be married to-day. How do
you like my dress?
Miss de V. It is very well it is very well. (Aside.) How
my heart throbs ! Down, little one ; I must appear calm, and
I cannot do so while you beat so rapidly. (Aloud.) You
you are about to be married to Mr. Foggerty ?
Jenny. To Mr. Foggerty? Oh dear, no ! "What could have
put such an idea into your head?
Miss de V. You are not going to marry Mr. Foggerty ?
Jenny. Assuredly not ! He is my husband's best man.
Miss de V. (relieved). It is well it is very well ! (Aside.)
Little heart, you hear?
Jenny. You seem agitated ! Can I offer you anything ?
Miss de V. I am agitated, young bride. I I can never gaze
upon a wedding garb without remembering that I, who am a
simple maiden still, might, but for man's perfidy, have been,
ere this, a grandmamma.
Jenny. Have they been deceiving you ?
Miss de V. Deceiving me? Eighteen times have I stood
dauntlessly at matrimony's verge. Eighteen times my coward
victim that is to say, my betrothed has quailed and fled !
He, man in name, blanched at the very danger that 1
courted.
Jenny. That's so like them ! And you, what did you do ?
Miss de V. I took the only course that open to me lay.
Eighteen times I offered up my bleeding heart a sacrifice at
Themis' sympathetic shrine. Eighteen times did I lay bare
its holiest workings, and call on all to come and gaze upon
its palpitating pulp. And in each case I recovered substantial
damages.
Jenny. You did nobly ! And the nineteenth ?
Miss de V. His fate is yet uncertain. For many months
liave I lost sight of him. Yet have I heard within the last
few weeks that he is also false and seeks another bride.
Jenny. Oh, poor lady !
Miss de V. It matters little there's a twentieth in the
field, whose exquisitively sensitive regard for my most difficult
and delicate position falls scarcely short of the phenomenal ;
but, ere I yield me to his ardent prayers, [ must in honour
46 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY.
satisfy myself that my nineteenth is false. This afternoon the
problem will be solved.
Jenny. My heart bleeds for you, sad and gentle lady. But
whither go you now?
Miss de V. I scarce can say ! To wander up and down and
to and fro, restless as a caged panther in his den, until the
double-barrelled news is brought that I am free to love and
bring my action !
Jenny. Nay, but I'll not consign you to the mercies of the
inhospitable street. This is my house, or shortly will be so ;
pray rest you here, and when the solemn ceremony is over, we
pray you join our merry-making, and in wild delirium of the
breakfast forget the harrowing trouble at your heart.
Miss de V. I thank you, maiden, for your sympathy. I'll
not refuse the shelter that you proffer.
Jenny. You'll find my boudoir on the two-pair-back. So,
for the nonce, farewell ! May justice pour her balm upon your
heart !
Miss de V. She has, my dear, in every other case, and, doubt-
less, will in this. Once more, farewell. [Exit.
Jenny (looking after her). Poor lady, with what a touching
dignity she bears her many disappointments ! Her sad, sad
tale touches me to the heart, for 1, too, have loved, but vainly.
Oh, how I loved him and he knew it not ! But there I may
not think of him henceforth I may think only of my Theo-
dore !
Enter WALKINSHAW.
Wai. Jenny ! my own ! at last at last my own !
Jenny. Oh, Theodore indifferent to me in all else, but
interesting to me inasmuch as I am the only woman who ever
kindled the fire of love within your heart, be true to me, be
true to me !
Wai. Be true to you ? While life lasts !
Jenny. And you do love rue ?
Wai. Love you? Haven't I settled the pill upon you?
Jenny. Yes, yes ; you have been most generous. I am the
only one ; am 1 not ?
Wai. The only one, in truth.
Jenny. And you have never known the throb of love ?
Wai. Until you taught it me !
Jenny. It is something; nay, it is much. For you, my
Theodore, I have no love, nor have I ever told you that I had ;
but I esteem you, Theodore, I respect you.
Wai. Oh, rapture ! But you are sad.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 47
Jenny. Oh, Theodore, a lady has been here, such a sad, sad
lady ! so tearful yet so calm so calm and yet so woebegone
so woebegone and yet so dignified ! Eighteen times has that
poor lady been thrown over.
Wai. Thrown over where ?
Jenny. And even now she has reason to believe that the
nineteenth is trifling with her feelings !
Wai. (in great terror}. Bless my soul. What's her name ?
Jenny. Her very name is Poetry and Soul !
Wai. Oh, then, I don't know her. (Much relieved.} It
sounds like a firm.
Jenny. She is called Malvina de Vere.
Wai. (horrified aside}. It's she. If she finds me at home,
she'll find me out. I'm ruined. (Aloud.} Where is she ?
Jenny. Sobbing her heart out in the two-pair-back.
Wai. In my house ?
Jenny. In yours and mine. Poor tortured soul ; she waits a
wire from her solicitor.
Wai. (much agitated}. Jenny, I I have heard of this lady.
She she is not altogether worthy of your sympathy
Jenny. What ! ! ! How dare you, sir !
Wai. She she lives on actions for breach. She engages
herself to an unsuspecting young man makes herself inten-
tionally unpleasant. Her lover can't stand her, and breaks it
off and she immediately brings an action.
Jenny. Oh, shame on you to dare in my presence in the
presence of your wife that is to be to palliate the conduct of
a wretch who makes unpleasantness a ground for violating the
troth that he has plighted ! Oh, shame upon you shame
upon you !
Wai. But, Jenny, I
Enter FOGGERTY dressed for ivedding, and sticking flower
in buttonhole.
Fog. There that's very nice. It's wonderful how a judi-
ciously applied vegetable sets a man off. That'll do, I think.
Now if I can only find some one who will give me a clue to
(Sees WALKINSHAW). Walkinshaw my boy, you here !
Wai. Certainly I am.
Fog. The very last man I expected to see, I give you my
unadulterated word of honour! (Shaking hands enthusiasti-
cally.}
Wai. The last man ?
Fog. The very last, I assure you. I'm more delighted than
I can tell you !
4S FOGGERTY' s FAIRY.
Wal. Why ? It's hardly likely that I should be absent on
this day of all others !
Fog. Well, it's very friendly of you to say so. I won't forget
it, Walkinshaw, depend upon it. Will you take anything?
Do ! Make yourself at home, you know. This is Liberty Hall.
(Sees JENNY.) Jenny ! at last ! my own Jenny ! Why, how
superb you look, and to think that in half au hour (Kisses
her.)
Jenny (surprised}. Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. And now, tell me how you've been all this time and
what you've been doing and, in short, tell me all about it.
Jenny. All about what? (He kisses her.) Don't!
Fog. But I must I'm so happy, so overpoweringly and
stupendously happy ! (Kisses her again she rises offended.)
Wal. (aside). I wish Jeuny wouldn't let Foggerty kiss her
so much ; of course it's all right, because they've known each
other as children; but still I wish he wouldn't do it! She
doesn't let me, and I don't see why she should let him.
[FOGGERTY, who has been paying attention to JENNY
during this, attempts to kiss her.
Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you mustn't really. I'm astonished
at you!
Wal. He's overdoing it ; upon my soul he is !
Fog. Pooh, pooh! nonsense; on this day of all others.
(Kisses her again).
Wal. (aside). I can't stand this. (Aloud). I say, Foggerty,
of course it's all right. I know how you and Jenny are situated
but still I think I think, on this day of all others
Fog. (surprised). What do you mean ?
Wal. There's too much of it, my boy. I'd leave off if I were
you I would, indeed!
Fog. No, you wouldn't, Walkinshaw, you jealous dog! (Aside.)
Poor devil, he hasn't got over his attachment to her yet, and it
is rather rough on him.
Wal. Kissing her under my very nose
Fog. Not under your very nose under her very nose. Ha
ha! But, don't distress yourself, it shan't occur again.
Wal. You're overdoing it, my boy.
Fog. Well, perhaps I am.
Wal. I'm sure you are.
Fog. I agree with you it's not delicate.
Wal. It's d d indelicate.
Fog. Yes, on this day of all others!
Wal. Exactly ; on this day of all others!
Fog. Then say no more about it. Take one yourself.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 49
Wai. Ob, we're in no hurry; we can wait.
Jenny (sighing). Ah, yes, we can wait!
Fog. The deuce you can ?
WaL Yes ; you see we've plenty of time before us.
Jenny (sighing*). Plenty !
Fog. (aside). Plenty of time before them ? Now, what do
they mean by that ?
WaL Well, it's about time we were off. Let's see, are we
all here? There's Uncle Fogle and Aunt Bogle for the first
carriage, and Lottie and Tottie, and Walker and Balker, and
your papa and rny mamma and yes, we're quite complete.
I'll get them all packed off, and then come back for you.
[Exit WALKINSHAW.
Fog. Jenny, I don't like Walkinshaw's manner.
Jenny. His manner is unfortunate, but you mustn't be too
hard on him ; he's nervous and agitated.
Fog. I can understand that; but still I don't like it, Jenny,
I don't like it.
Jenny. Oh, you must make allowance for him, and on this
day of all others.
Fog. Well, poor devil, I suppose he's more to be pitied than
blamed.
Jenny. Pitied ! Well, I'm sure.
Fog. Yes, pitied. Now, Jenny, it's no use affecting surprise.
I can see as far through a millstone as most people, and, mark
my words, that man's in love with you.
Jenny. Of course he is !
Fog. Oh, you've noticed it?
Jenny (surprised}. Noticed it? Why, of course I've
noticed it !
Fog. Then I say he's very much to be pitied he has a
dismal prospect before him.
Jenny. Upon my word, Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Life a blank, every hope crushed, every fond illusion
wiped out, nothing before him but a melancholy prime, a
blighted sere-and-yellow, and a solitary and desolate old age.
Poor Walkinshaw !
Jenny. How dare you say these things to me ?
Fog. Eh?
Jenny. I say how dare you 1 From this moment I devote
myself, heart and soul, to his happiness; it shall be my only
care, ray only thought !
Fog. The devil you will !
Jenny. I will, I swear it ! It will be my duty, and my duty
I will do !
in, E
50 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
Fug. It seems to me that you take an exceedingly compre-
hensive view of your duty ! Look here, Jenny ; let's understand
one another. (Sits by her, puts his arm round her waist,) I
know you're as good a girl as ever stepped. Still
Jenny. Frederick Mr. Foggerty you mustn't !
Fog. Mustn't what ?
Jenny. Put your arm round my waist.
Fog. Well, it is round your waist.
Jenny (struggling). But I say you mustn't.
Fog. Why not ? Walkinshaw can't see.
Jenny. That has nothing to do with it. I won't allow it,
because it's not right on this day of all others !
Fog. Indeed ? I should have thought if ever there was a
day on which I might be permitted to take such an innocent
freedom, this day of all others is the day.
Jenny (crying}. How dare you say such things to me ! It is
most unkind to me, and most unfair to your friend.
Fog. My friend? Oh, Walkinshaw! I tell you he can't see.
Jenny. I don't care, it's most unfair to him.
Fog. It seems to me you've a remarkably tender regard for
Walkinshaw's feelings !
Jenny. Certainly I have. As you know, I don't pretend
that I love him.
Fog. Well, I should hope not !
Jenny. I mean as a wife is expected to love her husband.
Fog. Yes, that's what / mean !
Jenny. Yet I have a sincere regard for him, and, be assured
of this, I shall always respect his privileges.
Fog. Upon my word, ma'am, situated as I am
Jenny. Yes, I know ; you were my childhood's friend ; but
that only makes it all the more dreadful, and sincerely as I
esteem you, I must tell j r ou at once that if ever you presume
to attempt the slightest, very slightest, familiarity with me,
except in Mr. Walkinshaw's presence, I shall give directions
that you are never to be admitted into the house again !
Fog. (utterly aghast). But, Jenny, listen for one moment.
Jenny. It's useless, Frederick. It's best to begin as we
mean to go on.
Fog. Oh ! Don't you think you'd better marry Walkinshaw
at once ?
Jenny. Yes, we shall be too late if we don't start very soon.
Fog. (furious). I say, don't you think you'd better marry
Walkinshaw Walkinshaw at once ?
Jenny. I say yes?, I do. I can't imagine what's detaining
him.
FOGGERTTTS FAIRY. 51
Fog. (bewildered}. Jenny ! Jenny ! (Suddenly.} Great
Heavens ! (Springs horrified to his feet.}
Jenny. What's the matter? You are ill some water
quick quick.
Fog. (gasping}. Jenny attend to me ! Am I to understand
that you are really going to marry Walkinshaw?
[During this she has loosened his necktie, and dabbed a,
wet handkerchief on his temples, as he leans tottering
against a table.
Jenny. How can you ask such a ridiculous question ?
Fog. No, but are you? Answer me, yes or no. Are you ?
Jenny. Am I ? You know I am.
Fog. You are? (Overpowered.}
Jenny. Of course ; don't be absurd.
Fog. (wildly}. But don't marry him ! For Heaven's sake
don't marry him ! Jenny, you shan't, you can't ! I won't
stand by and see it done ! Oh, Jenny, Jenny, whom I love so
deeply ! (Sobbing.}
Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you amaze me !
Fog. (surprised}. Amaze you ? Why, you know I love you !
Jenny. I ? Indeed, I know nothing of the kind !
Fog. Why, I've told you. over and over again !
Jenny. You have told me so ? Never !
Fog. How can you say that? Didn't I propose, anl didn't
you accept me, and weren't we engaged, and stop. No, no.
(Aside.} I'm mixing it all up again !
Jenny (in blank astonishment). Oh, you must have dreamt
all this!
Fog. Exactly, that's it. I must have dreamt it. But did I
nevtr tell you that I loved you ?
Jenny (weeping}. Oh no, no, no. Why didn't you? Why
didn't you ?
Fog. I don't know. I I suppose I forgot to mention it.
Jenny (wildly}. Oh, if I had only known if I had only
known !
Fog. (excitedly}. Then you loved me ?
Jenny (horrified}. What have I said?
Fog. You did! You do? You can't deny it! You shan't
deny it ! You loved me, madly, passionately how could you
help it?
Jenny. Frederick in mercy spare me ! It is cruel, cruel to
say such things to me, just as I am on the point of marrying
another man !
Fog. But dorit marry another man ! He's unworthy of
you I'm not ! I love you desperately he doesn't ! I'll do so
52 FOGGERfY'S FAIRY,
all my life he won't ! He can live without you I can't !
I shall go inad if you don't have me he shan't! Tell
"Walkinshaw to go and hang himself he won't mind he's
a good-natured fellow, and he'll do it, if you say it's
for me.
Jenny. Impossible ! I could not tell him to go and do that.
Oh, it is too late too late! Oh, Frederick, why, ivhy didn't
you tell me this before?
Fog. (wildly}. I don't know ! There's my difficulty ! Situated
as I am, it's impossible to say. I thought I had. But it
seems I hadn't. No doubt there's a reason for it if one only
knew what it was but one don't ! I hope I'm clear?
Jenny (drying Tier eyes}. Not very, but any way it is too
late now. The clergyman is at this moment waiting impatiently
to unite me to Theodore Walkinshaw. I regard him with a
wondering respect as one whose heart had never throbbed with
love until I taught it to. But love him ? No ! I do not love
him ! After what you have elicited from me it would be worse
than affectation to deny that my heart has long been yours,
and, but for your unaccountable silence, we might have been
happy. As it is, Frederick, we must never, never meet again.
I embark on my married life with a bruised and broken heart.
Farewell, for ever ! {Exit JENNY.
Fog. (wildly). Jenny, Jenny, come back ! Gone, gone from
me for ever! To be knitted to Walkinshaw; and the poor
child is fond of me, has been for years, ever since we were
children ! What was I about not to have seen it ? Why
didn't I tell her I adored her ? That's just where it is ! I
don't know ! I haven't the ghost of an idea ! I see it all
now ! If I had never known Spiff, I should never have bolted
from her to Jenn} 7 never have interfered with Walkinshaw,
whose courtship would have gone on swimmingly, and culmi-
nated in matrimony, as it's going to do to-day. And all this
heart-breaking misery, this preposterous coupling of ill-assorted
souls, this whirling chaos of discordant sympathies, is the con-
sequence of the ill-omened matrimonial arrangements of Colonel
Culpepper's favourite dog's father !
[Throivs himself on sofa, and buries his head in pillow.
Enter WALKINSHAW and OLD TALBOT.)
Tal. Come, come, are we all ready? Then let's be off.
Where's Foggerty ?
Wai. Fosgerty? Oh, here he is, on the sofa.
Tal. What's the matter with him ! Isn't he well ?
POGGERTTS FAIRY. 53
Wai. (aside to TALBOT). Well, the fact is, I lost my temper
with him just now, and it's upset him, but I'll make it all
right. (Goes to him). Foggerty, my boy, come, come, cheer up,
I didn't mean to speak unkindly to you ; but really
Fog. (without turning round). Oh, go, sir, go !
Wai. Come, come, be reasonable, if you caught a fellow
kissing the girl you loved what would you do ?
Fog. (wildly). What would I do? Shall I show you what
I would do? I'd fly at him. Thus! (Flying WALKINSHAW.)
I'd shake him thus! (Shaking him violently, and driving him
down to proscenium.) I'd throttle him thus ! (Knocks him
about wildly, WALKINSHAW quite limp and helpless in his
hands.) I'd say, " Give her back to me you traitor ! You
double-dyed villian ! You slayer of hopes ! You assassin of
hearts ! " There ! (Flinging him violently on the stage.) That's
what I'd do !
Wai. (all of a heap and breathless on the floor, and much dis-
ordered in dress). I see, thank you ! I I think you would be
justified.
Tal Dear ! dear ! (Helping Walkinshaw up, and re-arranging
his hair and cravat.) Foggerty, this is not pretty behaviour
towards a bridegroom on his wedding-day !
Fog. Pretty behaviour ! And you, infamous old traitor.
Would you like to see what I would do to a scheming father
who first gives me his daughter and then hands her over to
somebody else. (Shaking him violently.)
Tal. (bewildered). It would be interesting, of course. Perhaps
if you illustrated on Walkinshaw I should see it better than if
you did it to me.
[All three with their costumes and hair very much dis-
arranged.
Fog. Walkinshaw ! After all I have done for him, to rob me
of the only girl I ever loved !
Tal. You loved my girl ?
Wai. Did you love Jenny?
Fog. (sarcastically). Did I love Jenny? Do you think I
should have been engaged to her if I hadn't?
Tal. Engaged to her !
Fog. Engaged to her? Yes! Oh, I forgot; that's all been
spiffed out ! I've been mixing again !
Tal. Upon my soul I think you have! And pretty freely
too !
Fog. There, don't mind me ; don't take any notice of what
I say ! Give me air, or I shall choke ! (Staggers on to
balcony.)
54 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Tal. and Wai. (together). I say, doesn't it strike you
Tal. I beg your pardon
Wai. I beg yours.
Tal. After you !
Wai Not at all !
Tal I was going to say, doesn't it strike you that there's
something very incoherent in Foggerty's manner ?
Wai The very thing I was going to say to you !
Tal Mark my words ; he's mad !
Wai Staring mad !
Tal It's an awful thing !
Wai Appalling!
Tal Glass of wine ?
Wai With pleasure! {They take wine together.)
Enter JENNY.
Jenny. Stop !
Tal But we can't be always stopping what's the matter
now?
Jenny. This wedding it must not take place!
Tal and Wai (together}. Mustn't take place.
Wai Jenny, what in the world do you mean ?
Jenny. Stand off, sir ! Do not dare to approach me ! I regard
you with contempt and loathing unutterable.
Tal and Wai (together). Jenny ! '
Jenny. Approach me not, I say! You have trifled with
my most sacred feelings ! You have outraged my tenderest
sensibilities. I regard you as a snaky and systematic serpent
and thus and thus I extricate myself from your slimy toils.
(Tears license.}
Tal Oh, Jenny, Jenny, this is not pretty behaviour to your
husband on his wedding-day!
Jenny. Pretty behaviour ! Do you know that man !
Tal Know him ? Yes, very well!
Jenny. You know his smooth and plausible outside but his
inside do you know that ?
Tal Eeally, my dear, I'm not his medical attendant ; but
what has he done ?
Jenny. Unhinged and unstrung by the prospects of the
approaching ceremony, I sought just now the congenial
sympathy of the sad, sad lady on the second floor. As I
approached her room 1 saw the door ajar she was in close
communion with her solicitor. (WALKINSHAW mwch agitated.}
I heard his voice and thus and thus he spake: "Console
FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 55
yourself, oh, sad, sad lady, for we have evidence that Walkin-
shaw the fickle, fluttering, faithless Walkinshaw is on the
eve of marriage to another!" It was enough too much I
cared to hear no more !
TaL Dear me, Walkinshaw, I am surprised at you !
Wai. But, Jenny, hear me.
Jenny. I will hear nothing. It is enough for me that you
have loved. Henceforward to me you are as one that is
dead ! You are an obliterated postage-stamp not the less
obliterated because the die has been wielded by an unworthy
hand. Happily, Truth, Honour, Rectitude, Morality, Pro-
priety, Benevolence, Veneration, and First Love are on the
Balcony. They meet in Frederick, and to him I confide
my heart !
FOGGERTY enters from balcony.
Fog. Jenny ! I was sure you would ! I was sure that
when you came to think it over you couldn't help it. But,
Walkinshaw ?
Jenny. He is dead.
Fotj. That's very sudden.
Jenny. He is dead to me. He lives to drag on a miserable
existence, as a depressed and degraded monster.
Foy. I'm shocked at you, Walkinshaw !
Wai. Miss Talbot, I cannot struggle against your determina-
tion. I know that when you say you will not marry me you
mean it !
Fog. She did last time.
TaL Eh?
Fo(j. Oh, nothing, nothing.
Wai. I have only to ask that in memory of what I once was
to you, you will keep my unhappy secret, and not subject me
to the hideous consequences of an exposure.
Jenny. Sir, you deserve no mercy ; but I am merciful. Your
shameful secret is safe with me.
Foy. Walkinshaw, I'm at a loss for words in which to
express definitely my sense of your infamous conduct, because
I am not at present acquainted with the nature of your
offence.
TaL But, Jenny, you can't marry this man he's mad! He
can't contract matrimony it would be illegal !
Jenny. They say you are mad, my own ! Is it because you
have never loved before ?
Fog. Heed them not. They mistake the desponding utter-
56 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
ings of a crushed heart for the maniacal ravings of an unseated
brain !
[UNCLE FOGLE and TALP.OT loth about to speak at
once.
Tal. I beg your pardon.
Fogle. I beg yours.
Tal. Not at all.
Fogle Go on.
Tal. I was going to say that we must get a Commission to
sit on him.
Fogle. Just what I was going to s&y.
Tal. It's a pitiable circumstance.
Fogle. Horrible !
Tal. Deplorable!
Fogle. Disastrous !
Tal. Glass of wine ?
Fogle. With pleasure. (They drink together.)
Jenny (coming down with FOG). My own, own love ! Mine,
and only mine ! Oh, tell me again you, at least, have never
loved before !
Fog. Never ! Often have I lain awake at night wondering
what manner of thing this love of which I had heard so much
might be, and now the sun has risen on my darkness, and all
seems clear as summer noon !
Jenny. My love ! Oh, this is ecstasy !
[During this, TALBOT and WALKINSHAW and others,
have been ivarily approaching JENNY and FOG-
GERTY. TALBOT and WALKER seize JENNY, ivliile
WALKINSHAW, UNCLE FOGLE, and BALKER seize
FOGGERTY. The lovers are torn asunder.
Fog. Unhand me, villains !
Jenny. Frederick, my own ! They are taking me from you !
Fog. Cowards ! Thus and thus do I deal with ye !
[Throws them off. JENNY breaks from TALBOT. Tltcy
rush to one another, and embrace.
Jenny. Who shall separate us now ? I am my own mistress !
Fog. And mine !
Enter Miss DE VERE. JENNY rushes to her, and clings round
her neck. WALKINSHAW, seeing her, buries his head in
a newspaper to escape recognition.
Miss de V. Frederick, rejoice with me ! The news, the great
and glorious tidings, have arrived ! My faithless lover is on
the point of marriage with another, and I am at last free to
FOGGERTY 9 S FAIRY. 57
accept those professions of affection with which for the last
twelve months you have so eloquently pleaded, for my hand !
[JENNY recoils in horror from her. Turns and looks
at FOGGERTY, then faints in TALBOT'S arms. FOG-
GERTY stands confused for a moment, then turns
round, rushes wildly to balcony at the back of the
stage, and leaps out into the street. The others rush
after him to stop him, but they are too late. Miss
DE VERE faints in the arms of WALKIXSHAW,
whose head is still wrcqjped up in a newspaper.
Picture.
ACT III.
SCENE. Parlour in WALKINSIIAW'S Jiouse, night. Lamps lit.
The general arrangement of the scene is the same as the
scene of TALBOT'S house in Act I. WALKINSHAW //</
TALBOT discovered.
Vial. This is a dismal night, to what was to have been a
fellow's wedding-day.
Tal. It might be more cheerful. But take heart, be sanguine.
Perhaps you and Jenny would not have got on. You're not
a very nice man, you know.
Wai. No, I know I'm not, but it's rather hard that my
having been once engaged to Malvina de Vere should cause
Jenny to break off with me at the last moment. And for
Foggerty, who has also fallen into that middle-aged harpy's
toils.
Tal. Don't mind Foggerty. Jenny won't have him now.
I have got evidence that he is stark, staring mad, and, between
ourselves, I have applied for a Commission de lunatico to sit
on him at once. I am going to make the appointment now.
Wai. Hadn't you better wait till he comes back ?
Tal. Hasn't he come back ?
Wai. No, it's eight hours since he took his leap from the
balcony, and nobody has seen him since.
Tal. Dear me! I don't think he could have hurt himself
seriously, for I saw him flying down the street, ten miles an
hour with Malvina after him. (Looking out of ivindow.) Here
he is ; he has jumped out of a four-wheeler, which is tearing
down the street at full speed. And there is another four-
wheeler tearing full speed after it. What can it mean V
58 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Enter FOGGERTY exhausted. Dress muddy and disordered,
hair dishevelled. He throws himself into a chair, breathless.
Fog. At last! Safe at last.
Wai. Why, where have you been ?
Fog. Everywhere.
Tal. You seem rather out of breath.
Fog. I am, a little.
Tal. A glass of wine ?
Fog. With pleasure. (Helps himself to a glass of sherry,
and drinks.')
Wai. And where is Malvina?
Fog. I have given her the slip at labt. When I left the
house I bolted up Harley Street. Malvina followed. I got
into a cab; she got into another. I said, "drive anywhere."
He drove everywhere. I told him to drive like the devil.
He drove like the devil. So did Malvina. Eegent's Park,
Primrose Hill, Kentish Town, Holloway, Ball's Pond, Dalston,
Hackney, Old Ford, Bow, Whitechapel, London Bridge, South-
wark. At Southwark my horse fainted; so did Malvina's.
I jumped out got another cab. So did Malvina. Off again,
Old Kent Road, Peckham, Cauiberwell, W T alworth,Kennington,
Brixton, Clapham, Battersea, Wandsworth. At Wandsworth
my horse fainted. So did Malvina's. Jumped out, but no
cab to be found. Bolted, on foot, followed by Malvina ; ran
through Putney, Barnes, Mortlake, Kew, Chiswick, Tumham
Green, Shepherd's Bush, Kensal Green, Malvina after me.
At Kensal Green I fainted ; so did Malvina. Off again, through
Westbourue Park. At AVestbourue Park I found a cab ; so
did Malvina. Off again ; Maida Hill, Edgware Road, St. John's
Wood, New Road, Harley Street. As I passed the door, jumped
out unobserved, and left my empty cab tearing on ten miles
an hour, and Malvina after it.
Tal. Aren't you tired after your stroll ?
Fog. A little.
Tal. I am not surprised. Will you excuse me, I have a
business appointment. (Aside to WALKINSHAW.) Don't let
him go ; keep him here till I return. [Exit TALBOT.
Wai. That is a very determined woman.
Fog. A woman of singular strength of character.
Wai. (anxiously}. Do you think there is any chance of her
coming here ?
Fog. Not the remotest. (Knock heard.) There she is.
Wai. Malvina here. She must not catch me. (Aloud.)
Foggerty, you'll keep my secret you'll not betray me ?
FOGGERTV^S FAIRY. 59
Fog. Not for worlds.
Wai. A thousand thanks. I will never forget it. (Shakes
his hand and exits.}
Fog. I don't know what your secret is, but it's quite safe
with me. There she is it's no use, I can't go any farther,
fairly rim to earth! (Throws himself into chair to right of
stage.)
Enter MALVINA//W?I left, breathless, and much tumbled.
She throws herself into a chair to left of stage.
Fog. Good evening.
Mai. Good evening.
Fog. London is a large city.
Mai. Enormous.
Fog. Capital cabs, though.
Mai. Capital cabs.
Fog. Didn't I catch sight of you in South \vark this
afternoon.
Mai. Quite possible.
Fog. I thought it was you.
Mai. It was. Going to marry me ?
Fog. No.
Mai. Don't you love me ?
Fog. Not that I am aware of.
Mai. But you proposed to me.
Fog. I have no recollection of it.
Mai. I have got it in writing over and over again. (Produces
a bundle of letters.}
Fog. All those mine ?
Mai. Every man-jack of them.
Fog. May I look at them ?
Mai. Not exactly wasn't born yesterday.
Fog. (aside). No, you certainly were not.
Mai. You're quite resolved ?
Fog. Quite. You must conquer this passion. I am sorry
if I have encouraged hopes which are not destined to be
realized; but, although I have a sincere regard for you, I can
never be more to you than a friend.
Mai. That is your ultimatum?
Fog. That is my ultimatum.
Mai. Then again I have to resort to that dread expedient
which a sympathetic country has provided for the unsuspecting
victims of man's designing villainy. Allow me. (Oives
to FOGGERTY.)
60 FOGGERTY'S FA2RY.
Fog. What's this ?
Mai. It is a writ of summons at the suit of Malvina de Verc,
spinster, against Frederick Foggerty, bachelor, to recover
damages for breach of promise to marry.
Fog. Thank you. The damages, I see, are not stated.
Mai. Not yet. True delicacy shrinks from placing matters
of this quasi-sentimental character upon a mere business footing.
I thought it would be altogether more delicate if we could arrive
at an estimate by a friendly calculation.
Fog. Very thoughtful.
Mai. It's a pretty idea ; I always do it. Now, let me see.
First of all there is my distress of mind, and consequent wear
and tear of personal beauty.
Fog. Not worth naming. Miss de Vere is, if possible, more
lovely than ever.
Mai. Yes, I know I am now ; but oh ! think, think of the
anxious days and sleepless nights yet to come !
Fog. To be sure.
Mai. The worm in the bud
Fog. True ; I forgot the worm in the bud. How long do you
think you will be before you get over it?
Mai. It generally takes about six weeks.
Fog. That is not very long.
Mai. Make it months if you like.
Fog. Not for worlds. You think the worm will have had
enough in six weeks?
Mai. Oh, I think so. Six weeks at a guinea a day forty-
two guineas.
Fog. Dear !
Mai. I couldn't do it for less.
Fog. (getting his arm round her). Make it pounds, do.
Mai. What a wheedling way you have ! Very well, pounds.
Then there is the disappointment, the blackness of a desolate
future. What shall we say for the disappointment ?
Fog. I shouldn't put that at a high figure if I were you. I
shouldn't make a good husband.
Mai. (politely}. Oh, I won't allow that for a moment.
Fog. No, but indeed I shouldn't.
Mai. (insinuatingly). Not even such a wife as I ?
Fog. If anything could make a domestic man of me it would
be the knowledge that I had a nice, snug, cosy creature like you
waiting at home for me ; but nothing could.
Mai. I don't think I could put the disappointment at less
than a hundred.
Fog. A hundred ! A hundred for such a good-for-nothing
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 61
scamp as I ? Ridiculous ! It's absurd. You don't know what
a ruffian I am. Fifty is the outside figure.
Mai. Oh, Mr. Foggerty, you under-rate yourself. I don't
think stand up. (lie stands up.) No, I couldn't put the
disappointment at less than a hundred.
Fog. Fifty!
Mai. A hundred !
Fog. Split the difference, and say seventy-five.
Mai. Very well ; but it's a positive insult to you to put it
so low.
Fog. Don't mention it, I beg.
Mai, Then we come to the publicity of the thing the shame
of having to lay bare in open court the holiest feelings of our
imperfect nature.
Fog. Haven't you got used to that yet ?
Mai. Used to it? My dear Mr. Foggerty, believe me, that
the agony of having to trot out one's affections for the enter-
tainment of a ribald public becomes more excruciating each
time. On the whole, I cannot quote the publicity at a lower
figure than five hundred.
Fog. Four.
Mai. Five.
Fog. Split the difference, and say four hundred and fifty.
Come, now, do, for me.
Mai. It's ridiculously cheap; but I never'did in all my
experience come across anybody with such coaxing ways. But
then, there's the trousseau.
Fog. But that will do for next time. I suppose you have
had the same trousseau in each case.
Mai. Oh dear, no ! Only the last four cases. I find that
a trousseau only lasts out six engagements. You see, it gets
handled and messed. And there's the moth and change of
fashion. I usually reckon it at twenty-five per cent, off prime
cost. Prime cost two hundred twenty-five off that one-fifty.
Fog. How much is that altogether?
Mai. Let's see. Six hundred and seventeen pounds. Then
there are costs as between lawyer and client.
Fog. Say six hundred, all told, and then who knows
perhaps we shall be engaged again.
Mai. Oh, I coiildn't do it. First-class evidence, you know,
warm and flowery letters all in your own writing.
Fog. Are they warm and flowery ?
Mai. Ridiculously so. There's poetry in some of them
your own.
Fog. (aside). My own ! I wonder where I got it from ?
62 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
(Aloud.} But wait a moment, Jenny won't have me now. I
really don't see what is to prevent me marrying you.
Mai. Nothing whatever, if you prefer that course ; then there
will only be the costs out of pocket.
Fog. There's the remains of a fine woman about you.
Mai. I am generally known as the Splendid Ruin.
Fog. You are a splendid ruin a sprig or two of ivy and an
owl under your arm and you would be complete. My dear girl,
if it is a question of paying six hundred pounds and costs, or
marrying you, I'll marry you.
Mai. You will ?
Fog. Certainly. I must have seen something in you } or I
shouldn't have proposed to you. I have no doubt you are a
much more agreeable woman than you look.
Mai. Surely, surely, you know how agreeable I am by this
time.
Fog. Yes yes no doubt ; but Malvina
Mai. Call me by the old pet name the name of happy
memories.
Fog. Yes that is just it I don't know what it was.
Mai. (astonished). You don't know what it was ?
Fog. Malvina, I will be candid with you. A singular mis-
fortune has overtaken me my mind, perfectly keen and
sound at the present moment, is a blank as regards everything
that took place before this morning my memory is quite
gone.
Mai. How remarkable !
Fog. Odd, isn't it V
Mai. Then that accounts-
Fog. For my not knowing that confounded pet name of happy
memories, and fifty other things. Now, if you will undertake
to tell me all about myself who I am, what I am, where I am,
and who and what everybody else is and, in short, enable me
to hold my position before the world without making an infernal
fool of myself, I'll marry you out of gratitude. Now, is it a
bargain ?
Mai. Is it a bargain? I rather think it is a bargain. But
what an extraordinary state of things.
Fog. Well, it is singular. I'll just run upstairs and make a
change. You see what a state I am in after my run ; and then
the sooner you post me up to this morning the better.
Mai. I will ; go, my love, and in the mean time I will draw
up a statement of facts for your information. Farewell.
Fog. Farewell. Don't you think
Mai. Think what ?
FOGGERTY } S FAIRY. 63
That under the circumstances I might venture to no
better not. [Exit.
Mai. At last, oh Fate, thou smilest on me! There seems
some prospect that that blighted bud, my heart, may blossom
into wedded dignity. But who are these who break my solitude ?
Enter TALBOT, /o/fouvcZ by DOCTOR LOBB, DOCTOR DOBB, and
BLOGG, a rough sullen-looking man, ivho keeps in the
background.
Tal. Come in, gentlemen, pray. Be so good as to sit down.
(Sees MALVINA.) Oh! the athletic lady. I beg your pardon,
Mr. Foggerty --
Mai. Has sought the sacred precincts of his chamber, to
make a certain change in his apparel.
Tal. Oh ! exactly, he has had a fatiguing afternoon. (Aside.)
Dear me, this is awkward.
Mai. I'll not intrude upon your converse, sirs. I wait an
interview with Frederick, and will, with your permission,
gentlemen, attend his coming in the two-pair-back.
\_Curtsys and exit.
Tal. Fine woman, sound in wind and limb. (Aloud.)
Gentlemen, the unfortunate subject of your investigation will
be here in a very few minutes. You will not find him violent,
gentlemen.
Dr. Lobb. His paroxysms are mild, are they?
Tal. I should hardly call them parox} T sms, they don't
amount to that ; I should rather describe him as the victim of
extraordinary hallucinations.
Dr. Dobb. Very sad indeed.
Dr. Lobb. And what, my dear Mr. Talbot, is the subject or
bent of his delusions?
Talbot. Well, gentlemen, among other singular miscon-
ceptions he is under the impression that he is the inventor of
the famous " Longevity Pill."
Dr. Dobb. Pardon me the " notorious " we don't use the
term " famous " in connection with patent medicines. We call
them " notorious."
Talbot. Oh ! then he thinks he invented the " notorious "
Longevity Pill.
Dr. Lobb. It is a very significant symptom. I remember the
case of an unfortunate man who systematically infringed other
people's patents, and actually made a fine fortune by doing so-
mad, sir hopelessly mad.
Talbot. He also believes that he derives a very large income
64 FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
by its sale, when in point of fact he has not a penny in the
world.
Dr. Dobb. Oh, a very common delusion. I recollect an
instance of a poor half-witted creature, who drew enormous
cheques on a bank, at which he had positively no account
whatever, and in a name which actually did not belong to him.
The cheques were cashed and he was off to America before the
delusion was discovered. Mad, sir quite mad.
Talbot. Then again, he will accept any theory concerning
himself that you choose to suggest. You can make him believe
that he is a soldier, sailor, tinker, tailor, ploughboy, apothecary,
thief all in turn. Remarkable, isn't it ?
Dr. Lobb. Not at all. Nothing more common. I once gave
evidence in the case of an unhappy man, who obtained large
sums of money from charitable people on the plea that he was
a bricklayer's widow with twelve children. The poor fellow
would have had twelve months' imprisonment, with hard labour,
but for my evidence. Mad, sir, hopelessly mad.
Talbot. If you will excuse me for a moment, gentlemen, I
will send him to you. You will find the sherry on the side-
board. (Aside.) Clear-headed, logical men of sense, these mad
doctors. [Exit TALBOT.
Dr. Dobb (turning to BLOGG). Now, Blogg.
Blogg. Sir.
Dr. Dobb. Attend to us.
Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means listen attentively to what we say.
Dr. Dobb. If we find it necessary, as no doubt we shall, to
give this unfortunate gentleman into your charge, you will
humour him in everything.
Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means you will contradict him in
nothing.
Dr. Dobb. In nothing whatever.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, in nothing at all.
Blogg. All right, guv'nor.
Dr. Dobb. Now, mind you keep your eye upon him.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, don't let him get out of your sight.
Dr. Dobb. Whatever he says, accept his delusion.
Dr. Lobb. My friend means, humour his hallucinations.
Dr. Dobb. Agree to his statements at once, however absurd
they may seem.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, accept his theories, however
ridiculous they may appear. (During this BLOGG is sitting,
eating.')
Dr. Dobb. It's the only way to deal with a confirmed
delusionist.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 65
Dr. Lobb. There is no other course to take with a hopeless
visionary.
Enter FOGGERTY, unobserved.
Dr. Dobb. And now we had better go and prepare our report.
Dr. Lobb. By all means. (Going.)
Dr. Dobb. (politely}. After you.
Dr. Lobb. Couldn't think of it.
Dr. Dobb. Oh, but I insist.
Dr. Lobb. As you please. [Exit. DR. LOBB.
Dr. Dobb. D d coxcomb. [Following*
Fog. (who has been staring at the Doctors in blank astonisli-
ment during this dialogue, turns to BLOGG, who is eating impas-
sively). Now, what is this ? Is it alive, or is it stuffed '/
Blogg (finishing his supper). I'm stuffed.
Fog. What are you doing here?
Blogg. I'm keeping a eye on you.
Fog. Do I understand that your instructions are to follow me
wherever I go ?
Blogg. No, 'cause you ain't agoiog nowhere.
Fog. (aside). Now, how am I to deal with this ruffian. I
could kick him out at least, I think I could but he seems to
have some right here he isn't a man in possession ! (Aloud.)
You aren't a man in possession, are you ?
Blogg. No, I ain't a man in possession.
Fog. (suddenly). I see what it is he's a constable. I have
committed a crime, which I shouldn't have committed if Spiff
hadn't been Spiffed out. And these two black-and-white
scoundrels are detectives. (Aloud.) I say, those two piebald
idiots, who left as I came in, are detectives. You can't deny
that !
Blogg (stolidly). I ain't agoin' to deny nothin'.
Fog. (aside). This is perfectly appalling! What have I
done? What is my crime is it embezzlement, forgery,
bigamy, highway robbery what? That's it, I haven't
an idea.
Blogg. Don't take on so, there's lots in the same fix.
Fog. Lots in the same fix ! Yes, I know there are ; but they
know what they've done, I don't. (Suddenly.) Walkinshaw
is at the bottom of this.
Blogg. Ah ! Walkinshaw's at the bottom of it !
Fog. Of course he is. He has led me into this; mind, what-
ever it is, he has led me into it !
Blogg. Ah ! he's led you into it.
iir. F
66 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. Whatcvtr it is, I will confess all. I will turn Queen's
evidence against Walkinshaw, and will bring Walkinshaw to
justice; and, in return for my services to the State, claim the
lloyal pardon.
Blogg. Ah, that is your game ! Nothing like it !
Fog. Now you, sir, just attend carefully to what I say. I
intend to make a c'ean breast of it and admit everything.
(Aside.) It would simplify matters if 1 had some remote notion,
just a vague, distant, glimmering of an idea, what Walkinshaw
and I have done. Never mind : half a dozen shrewdly framed
leading questions will pump it all out. (Aloud.) Now, then,
are you ready to receive my confession ?
Blogg. All right fire away.
Foy. (aloud). Now, then, you know, of course, when this
deed was done, for which Walkinshaw and I will shortly have
to answer to the outraged majesty of the law ? ( Waits anxiously
for the reply.)
Blogg (indifferently). Oh, I know fust of April.
Fog. (seizing on the idea). On the very first day of April, in
the year of grace 1879, this deed for which Walkinshaw and
I will shortly have to answer to the outraged majesty of
the law was perpetrated. We selected the first of April
because because we were anxious to get it over as soon
after March as possible. Now, then, when do you think we
did it V
Blogg (stupidly). Can't say, I'm sure.
Fog. No ; but guess.
Blogg. I ain't good at guessin'.
Fog. (aside). What an unimaginative ass it is. (Aloud.)
Come, now, make an effort just one.
Blogg (after a pause). Twelve o'clock at night when
nobody was lookin'.
Fog. At the mystic hour of midnight, on the very first day
of April, in the year of grace 1879, Walkinshaw and I, having
previously ascertained that we were secure from the im-
pertinent observation of casual passers-by, perpetrated that
deed, for which we shall only too surely have to take our
stand at the bar of the outraged majesty of the law. We
selected midnight because it's generally darker then than it is
in the daylight. Well, there I was. There I was, I say. I say
I was there.
Blogg. Alone?
Fog. Alone in the grim and ghostly solitude of that April
midnight. I needn't tell you how I was occupied,
Blogg. Maybe you was digging a hole ?
FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 67
Fuy. Armed with a pickaxe and a spade, stripped to the
shirt, and with the beady dews of mental agony upon my brow,
I shovelled up the fat, black earth until the hole was wide and
deep enough for for the purpose we had in view. Scarcely
had I satisfied myself that the hole was wide and deep enough
for the purpose we had in view, when, what do you think
happened ?
Bloyy. P'r'aps Walkinshaw came up?
Fog. Creeping guiltily in the ghostly moonlight, as one
whose mind was burdened with a crime too great for him to
bear, Walkinshaw came up. You know as well as I do what
that monster in human form had with him.
Bloyy. Maybe it was a sack ?
Fog. It was a sack. Closed up at one end but open at the
other for the convenience of removing whatever it was intended
to contain. You see I am perfectly candid. I conceal nothing
from you. That sack contained the booty.
Bloyy. Oh ! she was a booty, was she ?
Fog. Eh?
Bloyy. I say she was a booty, was she ?
Fog. She ? Did you say " she " ?
Bloyy. You said she was a booty !
Fog. (recovering himself with an effort}. My dear sir, she
was one of the finest women you ever saw in the whole course
of your life ! (Aside.} It's murder ! By all the furies, it's
murder. Who was she ? What could have induced us to
do it ?
Bloyg. Was she dead ?
Fog. Dead, but still warm. (Aside.} This is appalling !
(Aloud.) And how how do you think this unhappy lady met
her miserable fate?
Bloyy (after a pause}. Pound and a 'arf o' arsenic ?
Fog. Very near a pound and a lialf of arsenic not quite,
but very nearly purchased in small doses for the ostensible
purpose of killing rats, and administered to her by whom do
you suppose? (Waits anxiously for BLOGG'S reply.}
Bloyy. Oh, Walkinshaw, in course?
Fog. (relieved and shaking his hand}. My dear fellow, I did
you an injustice. I took you for an ass. Allow me to apologize
you are one of the sharpest men I have met for a long time.
Of course it was administered by Walkinshaw. And how do
you suppose that fiend in human form contrived to administer
this deleterious mineral to his ill-fated victim ?
Bloyy (after a pause}. Apple pudden ?
Fog. You are quite right ; it was in an npple pudding a
68 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
large apple pudding, the apples having been previously pared
and cut in quarters and the cores extracted. Now the ques-
tion is and a very important question it is -how .far am I
implicated ?
Blogg. Ah ! that is the question.
Fog. True, I assisted him in disposing of the body. True I
went even so far as to dig the hole that was to receive it. But
then the question arises how did I come to do it ? How came
I to be there at all?
Blogg. Oh ! you was a walkin' in your sleep.
Fog. I was in a state of the profoundest somnambulistic un-
consciousness. I give you my untarnished word of honour I
was snoring heavily during the whole transaction. As for the
lady who do you think she was ? Of all unlikely people on
the face of this earth, who do you suppose that beautiful but
unhappy lady was ?
Blogg (pleasantly). Suppose we say his aunt his aunt
Sarah?
Fog. It was his admirable aunt Sarah as excellent and
blameless a lady as ever stepped, and, I assure you, a first-rate
aunt a really capital aunt. In point of fact, she had but one
fault in her composition, and I needn't tell you what that was.
Blogg (after a pause). Drink ?
Fog. Her passion for alcoholic stimulants was that lovely
but deeply injured lady's bane. Beginning with small and
comparatively harmless drams, the detestable habit gradually
grew upon her, and she got from one thing to another (for I
am anxious to omit nothing, however insignificant, from my
confession), until at last she degenerated into a monomaniacal
dipsomaniac.
Blogg. Lor !
Fog. Walkin shaw, one of the most exemplary nephews in
the world, really couldn't stand it any longer. His credit as a
gentleman, his position in society, his very means of livelihood
were all affected by the disreputable habits of this abominable
old lady one of the finest women you ever saw. One day
he made a large apple pudding and flavoured it with nearly a
pound and a half of arsenic, and I, in one of those fits of
somnambulistic unconsciousness to which I have been subject
from infancy, dug a hole to receive the body, snoring heavily
the whole time. (Aside.) There, I have done it now. What
have I said ? Oh, Walkinshaw, Walkinshaw, if I only had
my fingers round your throat at this moment, justice would be
baulked of her victim.
FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 69
Enter WALKINSHAW hurriedly, in great coat, and rug,
and carrying luggage.
Wai. (in great distress). She has found nie out. She is
after me. I can just catch the nine forty-five; but I have not
a moment to lose.
Fog. (seizing him). Stop, scoundrel ! Miscreant! Stop I
Wai. What do you mean ? Let me go ! I'm bolting !
Fog. Bolting, are you? Not while I have the strength of
twenty men, as I have now. (Struggling desperately with
him.)
Blogg (to WALKINSHAW). You had best stop. Do what the
poor gentleman tells you. Don't contrairy him.
Wai. Stop ! I can't stop ! Let me go ! Don't shake me !
You're always rumpling me !
Fog. (furiously). Bum pie you! I'll rumple you !
[Shakes him violently, WALKINSHAW quite helpless in
his hands.
Wai. (breathless). Pray don't let me go !
Blogg. Better let the poor gentleman rumple you, if he
wants to.
Fog. Abandon all hope of escape ! Your diabolical treatment
of that amiable and deeply-injured lady will soon be blown
to the four corners of the earth. (Shakes him violently.)
Wai. I didn't treat her handsomely, I admit. But you
treated her just as badly as I did.
Fog. (remorsefully). I did. I know it. Guilty wretch that
I am ! But who led me into it ? Who used his diabolical
power over me to compel me to act as his accomplice ? Oh, I
could throttle you! (Shakes him.)
Wai. (faintly). If you will kindly desist for a moment
perhaps I could answer you.
Blogg (aside to WALKINSHAW). Don't contrairy him, sir.
Best let the poor gentleman throttle you, if he wants to. It's
the only way.
Wai. Hush ! She is coming ! She is after me ! Hide me
hide me ! She follows me wherever I go.
Fog. (flinging him off). The conscience-stricken coward is
haunted by the imaginary presence of his miserable victim !
Wai. (very faintly, and all of a heap). Don't quite under-
stand.
Fog. Understand that I have confessed everything. Your
beautiful but ill-fated aunt Sarah
Wai. I haven't got an aunt Sarah.
Fog. Her unfortunate passion for drink the apple pudding
70 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
the arsenic her agonizing death the blood-stained sack
and its ghastly tenant the midnight grave !
Wai. (very faintly). Some mistake somewhere.
Fog. Officer, seize him!
Bloyg. But
Fog. Seize him, I say.
Blogg (going to WALKINSHAW, ivho is all of a heap against
the table). Werry sorry, sir! But the poor gentleman mustn't
be contrairied. (Seizes WALKINSHAW.)
Wai. (very limp and helpless) Don't you rumple me !
[BLOGG sits at table with WALKINSHAW, a helpless lump
in his lap.
Enter MALVINA, hurriedly.
Mai. He came this way. (Sees WALKINSHAW in BLOGG'S lap.)
Oh, here he is now now I have got you. (WALKINSHAW
stares helplessly at her like an idiotic baby.)
Fog. (to MALVINA). Don't touch him, he is a murderer !
Mai. A murderer ! (Recoiling towards FOGGERTY.)
[BLOGG rises, places WALKINSHAW on a chair like a hclplfss
Guy Fawkes.
Blogg (aside to MALVINA, who is reclining in FOGGERTY'S
arms). Take my advice, and don't you go too near him, miss.
He is a madman.
Mai. A madman ! (Recoiling from FOGGERTY, ivho for the
first time understands that he is regarded as a lunatic, and
assumes an expression of horror-struck surprise.) A murderer
and a madman! And woe is me, it is to such men as these
that I have handed over my unsuspecting heart !
Enter TALBOT.
Tal. (aside to BLOGG). We are quite ready to remove him ;
but I'll break it pleasantly to him. (Aloud.) My dear Foggcrty,
I'm extremely sorry to say that it is necessary to place you
under restraint.
Fog. Under restraint ! I see it all now. They take me for
a madman. It only needed this to complete my miser}'.
Blogg. Come along o' me. There's a cab at the door, and
it'll be done as comfortable as possible.
Fog. Away! (Throwing TALBOT and BLOGG off. TALBOT
falls helplessly into a chair, BLOGG goes off.) Matters have
reached a crisis. There's only one thing to be done. I have
Rebecca's pills in my pocket. One last appeal to her, and if
FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 71
that fails, I give in. (Pours out a glass of water and swallows
pill.) llebecca! appear!
[Hurried music. REBECCA appears through trap.
Reb. (impatiently). Now, what do you want ? I'm extremely
busy, and this interruption is most annoying.
Fog. I won't detain you long. In my anxiety to appear
equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation, I've been
led into making such preposterous statements that I run a very
good chance of being hanged first and confined in a lunatic
asylum afterwards.
Reb. Really this doesn't concern mo. I've nothing to do
with it. My guardianship is spilled out.
Fog. Yes, I know it's spiffed out; but you're an extremely
intelligent and accomplished young person don't you think
if you made an effort you could spiff it in again ?
Reb. Out of the question. I should have to admit that I
made a mistake, and I should be at once relegated to the back
rows, among the stout ones, and never allowed to dance even
in a quartette, and lately I've been dancing solo.
Fof/. But
Rtb. I've nothing more to say ; your situation doesn't con-
cern me in any way. I beg I may not be interrupted again.
(On trap, stamps her foot and says," Go " she descends through
trap.)
Fog. Stop!
Reb. (half down trap). What do you want ? (Remains half-
way down trap.)
Fog. Allow me to remind you that I've forty-seven pills
left, and I can call you up forty-seven times if I please. I
don't want to make myself unpleasant to a lady, but if you're
not civil, I'll give you a time of it.
Reb. (rising through trap again). Well, be quick. What
is it ?
Fog. Let's understand one another. When I took the
draught all the consequences of my having known Spiff were
obliterated.
Reb. Utterly.
Fog. But if I had never known Spiff I should never have
got into a difficulty on account of Spiff, and if I had never got
into that difficulty I should never have applied to you to get
me out of it, and if I had never applied to you to get me out of
it you would never have given me that infernal draught, which,
has been the cause of all the miseries with which I'm
threatened.
Reb. Dear me, I never thought of that.
72 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. In point of fact, I've been saddled with consequences
from which, according to the terms of my contract, I ought to
have been entirely free.
Reb. It certainly seems so. I'm very sorry.
Fog. Now all this comes of hurrying your work. If 3'ou'd
do a little less bedevilment and do it well you'd make a better
job of it in the end.
Reb. It's not bedevilment. I'm a good fairy.
Fog. Good, but stupid.
Reb. Good, but stupid. I hope you won't mention this?
Fog. That depends upon yourself. You've got me into this
fix, and you must get me out of it. Eestore matters to their
original condition, barring Spiff, whom I won't hear of at any
price, and we'll say no more about it.
Reb. Very good, I'll do it; but mind, it must never be known
that I " tried back," or I should get into a terrible scrape. Are
you ready for the change ?
Fog. Quite ready.
Reb. Then "go."
[Waves wand. Slow music. Scene suddenly changes to
scene of Act /., daylight. All the Fairies enter at
the back and group until the end. TALBOT, MAL-
VINA, and WALKINSHAW gradually revive from
their swoon. MALVINA goes to WALKINSHAW.
Mai. "Walkinshaw ! My own !
Wai. Malvina! (Embraces.)
Enter JENNY, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE in dresses of
Act I., then UNCLE FOGLE, AUNT BOGLE, WALKER, and
BALKER, all in dresses of Act I., with favours. JENNY
rushes to FOGGERTY.
Jenny. Frederick ! My own.
Fog. Jenny ! (Embraces.)
Tal. Now then come along the carriages have been wait-
ing ever so long, and the clergyman is getting cold. Uncle
Fogle take Aunt Bogle, Walker take Lottie, Balker take Tottie.
Jenny. Frederick ! In ten minutes we shall be made one.
Tell me once more that you have never, never loved before !
Fog. Never ; wouldn't dream of such a thing ! It's all
right ; it's all over it's past gone spiffed out for ever !
Jenny. What's spiffed out ?
Fog. Medical men mad-house breach of promise execu-
tion murdered Aunt Sarah ! All gone !
Wai. What's the man talking about ?
FAIRY. 73
Fog. (suddenly serious). Walkinshaw, you did not murder
your aunt Sarah ?
Wai. Never!
Tal. Oh, too absurd ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
All. Ha! ha! ha!
Fog. Walkinshaw, you are going to be married to Malvina.
If, in the fulness of time, Heaven should ever bless } r ou with a
little aunt Sarah, swear that that admirable woman's life shall
be as sacred as your own !
Wai. Before Heaven, I swear it.
Fog. I knew it ! God bless you, Walkinshaw.
All. Ha! ha! ha!
Fog. And, Jenny dear Jenny you won't marry Walkin-
shaw, but, on the contrary, you'll marry me, and Walkiushaw
will marry Malvina; she has an excellent constitution. And
Walker, Balker, Lottie, Tottie, Fogle, Bogle, you'll all marry
each other (all laugh} \ and I declare I'm so happy I don't know
whether to laugh or to cry. (All laughing.} Which shall it
be? Oh, well, better be unanimous. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
AIL Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
[They pair off. FOGGERTY with JENNY, WALKINSHAW
with MALVINA, WALKER ivith LOTTIE, BALKER
ivith TOTTIE, UNCLE FOGLE with AUNT BOGLE, and
move towards entrance, laughing heartily. Scene
opens at back during this. Fairies enter, laughing
heartily, and waving wands. EEBECCA ascends on
stool at back, also laughing. Red fire. Curtain.
ROSENCRANTZ AND
GUILDENSTERN.
A TRAGIC EPISODE,
IN THREE TABLEAUX,
FOUNDED ON AN OLD DANISH LEGEND.
First performed in public at a M allude, on behalf of the ' ' Serpent " Fund,
at the Vaudeville Theatre, London, on Wednesday, June yd, 1891.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
KING CLAUDIUS, of Denmark MR. ALEXANDER WATSON.
QUEEN GERTRUDE, of Denmark ... MRS. THEODORE WRIGHT.
HAMLET, Queen Gertrude's Son be-
trothed to OPHELIA MR. FRANK LINDO.
ROSENCRANTZ, Courtier, in lore with
OPHELIA MR. S. HERBERTE-BASING.
GUILDENSTERN, a Courtier ... ... MR. C. LAMBOURNE.
FIRST PLAYER MR. C. STEWART.
SECOND PLAYER Miss BESSLE.
OPHELIA Miss MARY BESSLE.
Courtiers, Pages, etc.
ARGUMENT.
KING CLAUDIUS, when a young man, wrote a five-act tragedy which was
damned, and all reference to it forbidden under penalty of death.
The KING has a son HAMLET lohose tendency to soliloquy has so
alarmed his mother, QUEEN GERTRUDE, that she has sent for
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, to devise some Court revels
for his entertainment. ROSENCRANTZ is a former lover of
OPHELIA (to whom HAMLET is betrothed), and they lay their heads
together to devise a plan by which HAMLET may be put out of the
way. Home Court theatricals are in preparation. OPHELIA and
ROSENCRANTZ persuade HAMLET to play his father's tragedy before
the KING and Court. HAMLET, tcho is unaware of the proscrip-
tion, docs so, and he is banished, and ROSENCRANTZ happily united
to OPHELIA.
ROSENCRANTZ AND
GUILDENSTERN.
FIEST TABLEAU.
Interior of KING CLAUDIUS'S Palace. CLAUDIUS discovered
seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN GERTRUDE on a stool
at his feet, consoling him.
Q. Nay, be not sad, my lord !
Cl. Sad, loved Queen ?
If by an effort of the will I could
Annul the ever-present Past disperse
The gaunt and gloomy ghosts of bygone deeds,
Or bind them with imperishable chains
In caverns of the past incarcerate,
Then could I smile again but not till then !
Q. Oh, my dear lord!
If aught there be that gives thy soul unrest,
Tell it to me.
Cl. "Well-loved and faithful wife,
Tender companion of my faltering life,
Yes ; I can trust thee ! Listen, then, to me :
Many years since when but a headstrong lad
I wrote a five-act tragedy.
Q. (interested). Indeed ?
Cl. A play, writ by a king
Q. And such a King !
CL Finds ready market. It was read at once,
But ere 'twas read, accepted. Then the Press
Teemed with porpentous import. Elsinore
Was duly placarded by willing hands ;
We know that walls have ears I gave them tongues
And they were eloquent with promises.
78 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
Q. Even the dead walls ?
67. (solemnly). Ay, the deader they,
The louder they proclaimed !
Q. (appalled}. Oh, marvellous !
67. The day approached all Denmark stood agape.
Arrangements were devised at once by which
Seats might be booked a twelvemonth in advance.
The first night came.
Q. And did the play succeed ?
67. In one sense, yes.
Q. Oh, I was sure of it !
67. A farce was given to plav the people in
My tragedy succeeded that. That's all !
Q. And how long did it run ?
67. About ten minutes.
Ere the first act had traced one-half its course
The curtain fell, never to rise again !
Q. And did the people hiss ?
67. No worse than that
They laughed. Sick with the shame that covered me,
I knelt down, palsied, in my private box,
And prayed the hearsed and catacombed dead
Might quit their vaults, and claim me for their own !
But it was not to be.
Q. Oh, my good lord,
The house was surely packed !
Cl. It was by me.
My favourite courtiers crowded every place
From floor to floor the house was peopled by
The sycophantic crew. My tragedy
Was more than even sycophants could stand !
Q. Was it, my lord, so very, very bad ?
67. Not to deceive my trusting Queen, it was.
Q. And when the play failed, didst thou take no steps
To set thyself right with the world ?
Cl. I did.
The acts were five though by five acts too long,
I wrote an Act by way of epilogue
An act by which the penalty of death
Was meted out to all who sneered at it.
The play was not good but the punishment
Of those that laughed at it was capital.
Q. Think on't no more, my lord. Now, mark me well
To cheer our son, whose solitary tastes
And tendency to long soliloquy
ROSENCRANTZ AND GU1LDENSTERN. 79
Have much alarmed us, I, unknown to thce,
Have sent for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Two merry knaves, kin to Polonius,
Who will devise such revels in our Court
Such antic schemes of harmless merriment
As shall abstract his meditative mind
From sad employment. Claudius, who can tell
But that they may divert my lord as well ?
Ah, they are here !
Enter GUILDENSTERN.
Guild. My homage to the Queen !
Enter ROSEXCRANTZ.
Eos. (kneeling). In hot obedience to the Royal 'host
We have arrived, prepared to do our best.
Q. We welcome you to Court. Our Chamberlain
Shall see that you are suitably disposed.
Here is his daughter. She will hear your will
And see that it receives fair countenance.
[Exeunt KING and Queen, lovingly.
Enter OPHELIA.
Eos. Ophelia ! \_Botli embrace her.
Oph. (delighted and surprised). Rosencrantz and Guil-
denstern !
This meeting likes me much. We have not met
Since we were babies !
Eos. The Queen hath summoned us,
And 1 have come in a half-hearted hope
That I may claim once more my baby -love !
Oph. Alas, I am betrothed !
Eos. Betrothed ? To whom ?
Oph, To Hamlet !
Eos. Oh, incomprehensible !
Thou lovest Hamlet?
Oph. (demurely). Nay, I said not so
I said we were betrothed.
Guild. And what's he like ?
Oph. Alike for no two seasons at a time.
Sometimes he's tall sometimes he's very short
Now with black hair now with a flaxen wig
Sometimes an English accent then a French-
Then English with a strong provincial " burr."
Once an American, and once a Jew
So ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
But Danish never, take him how vou will !
* V
And strange to say, whate'er his tongue may be,
Whether he's dark or flaxen English French
Though we're in Denmark, A.D., ten six two-
He always dresses as King James the First !
Guild. Oh, he is surely mad !
Opli. Well, there again
Opinion is divided. Some men hold
That he's the sanest, far, of all sane men
Some that he's really sane, but shamming mad
Some that he's really mad, but shamming sane
Some that he will be mad, some that he was
Some that he couldn't be. But on the whole
(As far as I can make out what they mean)
The favourite theory's somewhat like this :
Hamlet is idiotically sane
With lucid intervals of lunacy.
Eos. We must devise some plan to stop this match !
Guild. Stay ! Many years ago, King Claudius
Was guilty of a five-act tragedy.
The play was damned, and none may mention it
Under the pain of death. We might contrive
To make him play this piece before the King,
And take the consequence.
Eos. Impossible !
For every copy was destroyed.
Oph. But one
My father's !
Eos. Eh ?
Oph. In his capacity
As our Lord Chamberlain * he has one copy. I
This night, when all the Court is drowned in sleep,
Will creep with stealthy foot into his den
And there abstract the precious manuscript!
Guild. The plan is well conceived! but take good heed,
Your father may detect you.
Oph. Oh, dear, no.
My father spends his long official days
In reading all the rubbishing new plays.
From ten to four at work he may be found :
And then my father sleeps exceeding sound !
[Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDEN-
STERN, grouped.
* All bow reverentially at mention of this functionary.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 81
SECOND TABLEAU.
Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
Q. Have you as yet planned aught that may relieve
Our poor afflicted son's despondency?
Bos. Madam, we've lost no time. Already we
Are getting up some Court theatricals
In which the Prince will play a leading part.
Q. That's well-bethought it will divert his mind.
But soft he comes.
Ros. How gloomily he stalks,
As one o'erwhelmed with weight of anxious care.
He thrusts his hand into his bosom thus
Starts looks around then, as if reassured,
Humpies his hair and rolls his glassy eyes !
Q. (appalled). That means he's going to soliloquize !
Prevent this, gentlemen, by any means !
Guild. We will, but how?
Q. Anticipate his points,
And follow out his argument for him ;
Thus will you cut the ground from 'neath his feet
And leave him nought to say.
Eos. and Guild. We will! we will!
[They kneel.
Q. A mother's blessing be upon you, sirs! [Exit.
Ros. (both rising). Now, Guildenstern, apply thee to
this task.
Music. Enter HAMLET. Be stalks to chair, thrown himself
into it.
Ham. To be or not to be !
Ros. Yes that's the question
Whether he's bravest who will cut his throat
Rather than suffer all
Guild. Or suffer all
Rather than cut his throat?
//am. (annoyed at interruption, says, " Go away go
away ! " then resumes). To die to sleep
Ros. It's nothing more Death is but sleep spun out-
Why hesitate? [Offers him a dagger.
Guild. The only question is
Between the choice of deaths, which death to choose.
[Offers a revolver.
III. G
82 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
Ham. (in great terror). Do take those dreadful things
away. They make
My blood run cold. Go away go away ! (They turn aside.
HAMLET resumes). To sleep, perchance to
Eos. Dream.
That's very true. I never dream myself,
But Guildenstern dreams all night long out loud.
Guild, (coming down and kneeling). With blushes, sir,
I do confess it true !
Ham. This question, gentlemen, concerns me not.
(Resumes.) For who would bear the whips and scorns of
time
Ros. (as guessing a riddle). Who'd bear the whips and
scorns ? Now, let me see.
Who'd ~bear them, eh ?
Guild, (same business). Who'd bear the scorns of time ?
Ros. (correcting him). The whips and scorns.
Guild. The whips and scorns, of course.
[HAMLET about to protest.
Don't tell us let us guess the whips of time?
Ham. Oh, sirs, this interruption likes us not.
I pray you give it up.
Ros. My lord, we do.
We cannot tell who bears these whips and scorns :
Ham. (not heeding them, resumes). But that the dread
of something after death
Ros. That's true post mortem and the coroner
Felo-de-se cross roads at twelve P.M.
And then the forfeited life policy
Exceedingly unpleasant.
Ham. (really angry). Gentlemen,
It must be patent to the merest dunce
Three persons can't soliloquize at once!
[RosENCRANTZ and GUTLDENSTERN retire, GUILDEN-
STERN goes off.
(Aside.) They're playing on me ! Playing upon me
Who am not fashioned to be played upon !
Show them a pipe a thing of holes and stops
Made to be played on and they'll shrink abashed
And swear they have not skill on that ! Now mark
(Aloud.) Rosencrantz ! Here !
[Producing a flute as ROSENCRANTZ comes.
This is a well-toned flute ;
Play me an air upon it. Do not say
You know not how ! (Sneeringly.)
ROSENCRANT2 AND GUILDENSTERN. 83
Eos. Nay, but I do know how.
I'm rather good upon the flute Observe
[Plays eight bars of hornpipe, then politely returns
flute to HAMLET.
Ham. (peevishly}. Oh, thankye. (Aside.) Everything
goes wrong !
\_Eetires, and throws himself on dais, as if buried in
soliloquy.
Enter OPHELIA, white loith terror, holding a, heavy MS.
Oph. Roseucrantz!
Eos. Well?
Oph. (in a stage-whisper). I've found the manuscript,
But never put me to such work again !
Eos. Why, what has happened that you tremble so ?
Oph. Last night I stole down from my room alone
And sought my father's den. I entered it !
The clock struck twelve, and then oh, horrible !
From chest and cabinet there issued forth
The mouldy spectres of five thousand plays,
All dead and gone and many of them damned !
I shook with horror ! They encompassed me,
Chattering forth the scenes and parts of scenes
Which my poor father wisely had cut out.
Oh, horrible oh, 'twas most horrible !
[Covering her face.
Eos. What was't they uttered V
Oph. (severely}. I decline to say.
The more I heard the more convinced was I
My father acted most judiciously ;
Let that suffice thee.
Eos. Give me, then, the play,
And I'll submit it to the Prince.
Oph. (crossing to him). But stay,
Do not appear to urge him hold him back,
Or he'll decline to play the piece I know him.
Ham. (who has been soliloquizing under his breath).
And lose the name of action! (Rises and comes down.)
Why, what's that ?
Eos. We have been looking through some dozen plays
To find one suited to our company.
This is, my lord, a five-act tragedy.
'Tis called "Gonzago" but it will not serve -
'Tis very loner.
84 ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN.
Ham. Is there a part for me ?
Oph. There is, my lord, a most important part
A mad Archbishop who becomes a Jew
To spite his diocese.
Ham. That's very good !
Bos. (turning over the pages). Here you go mad and
then, soliloquize :
Here you are the sane again and then you don't :
Then, later on, you stab your aunt, because
Well, I can't tell you wliy you stab your aunt,
But still you stab her.
Ham. That is quite enough.
-Z?os. Then you become the leader of a troop
Of Greek banditti and soliloquize
After a long and undisturbed career
Of murder (tempered by soliloquy)
You see the sin and folly of your ways
And offer to resume your diocese ;
But, just too late for, terrible to tell,
As you're repenting (in soliloquy)
The Bench of Bishops seize you unawares
And blow you from a gun !
[During this HAMLET has acted in pantomime the
scenes described.
Ham. (excitedly}. That's excellent.
That's very good indeed we'll play this piece !
[Taking MS. from EOSENCRANTZ.
Oph. But, pray consider all the other parts
Are insignificant.
Ham. What matters that ?
We'll play this piece.
.Z?os. The plot's impossible,
And all the dialogue bombastic stuff.
Ham, I tell you, sir, that we will play this piece.
Bestir yourselves about it, and engage
All the most fairly famed tragedians
To play the small parts as tragedians should.
A mad Archbishop ! Yes, that's very good !
[Picture. HAMLET, reading the MS., with limelight
on him. EOSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA
at entrance.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 85
THIRD TABLEAU.
March. Enter procession. First, two Pages, ivlw place them-
selves on each side of the platform ; then ROSENCRANTZ and
OPHELIA ; then GUILDENSTERN and a Lady ; then other
Courtiers; then POLONIUS, backing before the KING and
QUEEN. The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA
on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her, GUILDENSTERN
and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN ; the Courtiers
right and left.
Q. A fair good morrow to yon, Rosencrantz.
How march the Royal revels ?
Eos. Lamely, madam, lamely, like a one-legged duck. The
Prince has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, " A
Right Reckoning Long Delayed."
Cl. And of what fashion is the Prince's play ?
Eos. 'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord a thing of
shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass without
consistency, like an ill-built villa.
Q. But, sir, you should have used your best endeavours
To wean his phantasy from such a play.
Ros. Madam, 1 did, and with some success, for he now seeth
the absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it as
freely as we do. So, albeit the poor author had hoped to have
drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has resolved to present it
as a piece of pompous folly intended to excite no loftier emotion
than laughter and surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian
with his troop.
Enter HAMLET and Players.
Ham. Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players.
They have come to town to do honour and add completeness
to our revels.
Cl. Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.
Prepare you now we are agog to taste
The intellectual treat in store for us.
Ham. We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak
a word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen this
play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-esteemed
friends, who were for playing a piece with less bombastick fury
86 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
and more frolick. {Addressing KING.) But I have thought this
a fit play to be presented by reason of that very pedantical
bombast and windy obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly
despise. For I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your
bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth his folly as
to make his hearers believe that he is unconscious of all incon-
gruity ; whereas, he who doth so mark, label, and underscore
his antick speeches as to show that he is alive to their absurdity
seemeth to utter them under protest, and to take part with his
audience against himself. (Turning to Players.) For which
reason, I pray you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extrava-
gant monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this
comi-tragedy ; for such things are as much as to say, " I am a
comick fellow I pray you laugh at me, and hold what I say
to be cleverly ridiculous." Such labelling of humour is an
impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth to imply that they
are unable to recognize a joke unless it be pointed out to them.
I pray you avoid it.
[Slight applause, which HAMLET acknowledges.
First Player. Sir, we are beholden to you for your good
counsels. But we would urge upon your consideration that we
are accomplished players, who have spent many years in learn-
ing our profession ; and we would venture to suggest that it
would better befit your lordship to confine yourself to such
matters as your lordship may be likely to understand. We, on
our part, may have our own ideas as to the duties of heirs-
apparent ; but it would ill become us to air them before your
lordship, who may be reasonably supposed to understand such
matters more perfectly than your very humble servants.
[All applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in
anger. KIXG interrupts him. HAMLET thinks
letter of it, and angrily beckons Players to follow
him. He and they exeunt.
Gl. Come, let us take our places. Gather round
That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair
In which I shall find room to roll about
When laughter takes possession of my soul.
Now we are ready.
Enter on platform a Loving Couple. Applause.
She. Shouldst thou prove faithless ?
He. If I do
Then let the world forget to woo (kneeling),
The mountaintops bow down in fears,
The midday sun dissolve in tears,
ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN. 87
And outraged nature, pale and bent,
Fall prostrate in bewilderment!
[All titter through this Tweaking into a laugh at the
end, the KING enjoying it more than any one.
i. Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest we should
all be involved in this catastrophe !
Cl. (laughing}. Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy.
I am sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen ! (To ROSEN-
CRANTZ.) Is this play well known ?
Eos. (advancing). It is not, my lord.
[Turns, back to OPHELIA.
CL Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before.
Go on.
She. Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums ?
Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes !
[Exeunt Loving Couple. Laughter, as "before.
Q. And wherefore cometh Gonzago ?
Eos. He cometh here to woo !
Q. Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A
fico for such a wooing, say I !
67. (rather alarmed aside to ROSENCRANTZ). Who is Gon-
zago?
Eos. He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. "Pis a most
ridiculous and mirthful character and the more so for that the
poor author had hoped to have appalled you with his tragedical
end ! [Eeturns to OPHELIA.
[During this the KING has shown that he has recognized
his tragedy. He is horrified at the discovery.
Enter HAMLET, as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. All
laugh and applaud except the KING, who is miserable.
Ham. Free from the cares of Church and State
I come to wreak my love and hate.
Love whirls me to the lofty skies
Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies !
[All laugh except KING.
Q. Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them !
Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think that
these lines were to have drawn our tears !
Oph. Truly mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten
of laughter !
Ham. Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have
none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of such
88 ROSENCRAN7Z AND GUILDENSTERN.
windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There are five
acts of this ! (All groan.')
(Resumes) For two great ends I daily fume
The altar and the deadly tomb.
How can I live in such a state
And hold my Arch-Episcopate ? "
lios. (exhausted with laughter'). Oh, my lord I pray you end
this, or I shall die with laughter !
Q. (ditto). Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly ! Stop
it, my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury.
Opli. (ditto}. Oh, sir prythee have mercy on us we have
laughed till we can laugh no more!
11am. The drollest scene is coming now. Listen.
Cl (rises). Stop! [All start.
Stop, I say cast off those mummeries!
Come hither, Hamlet !
Ham. (takes off roles). Why, what ails you, sir ?
Cl. (with suppressed fury). Know'st thou who wrote this
play?
Ham. Not I, indeed.
Nor do I care to know !
Cl. 1 wrote this play
To mention it is death, by Denmark's law!
Q. (kneeling). Ob, spare him, for he is thine only
child! '
Cl. No 1 have two (QUEEN horrified.) my son my
play both worthless !
Both shall together perish !
[Draws dagger; QUEEN endeavours to restrain him.
Ham. (on his knees). Hold thine hand !
1 can't bear death I'm a philosopher !
Cl. That's true. But how shall we dispose of him ?
[All puzzled.
Oph. (suddenly). A thought!
There is a certain isle beyord the sea
Where dwell a cultured race compared with whom
We are but poor brain-blind barbarians ;
'Tis known as Engle-land. Oh, send him there !
If but the half I've heard of them be true
They Avill enshrine him on their great good hearts,
And men will rise or sink in good esteem
According as they worship him, or slight him !
Cl. Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be
That we've misjudged him. If such race there he
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 89
(There may be I am not a well-read man)
They're welcome to his philosophic brain-
So, Hamlet, get thee gone and don't come back again !
[CLAUDIUS crosses to n. HAMLET, who is delighted
at the suggestion, crosses to QUEEN and embraces
her. lie then embraces OPHELIA, who receives
his kiss ivith marked coldness. Tlien lie turns
up on to platform, and strikes an attitude,
exclaiming, "To Engle-land ! " At the same
moment KOSENCBANTZ embraces OPHELIA.
Picture.
CUUTAIN.
PATIENCE;
OR,
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE.
AN ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL AESTHETIC
OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
first produced at the Opera Comiqnc, London, on Saturday, April 2yd,
1881, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
COLONEL, CALVERLEY \
MAJOR MURGATROYD I Officers of Drajoon Guards.
LIEUT. THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE )
REGINALD BUNTHORNE, a Fleshly Poet.
ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR, an Idyllic Poet.
MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR.
Chorus of Officers of Dragoon Guards.
THE LADY ANGELA
THE LADY SAPIIIR
THE LADY ELLA
THE LADY JANE
PATIENCE, a Dairy Maid.
Chorus of Rapturous Maidens.
ACT I.
EXTERIOR OF CASTLE BUNTHORNE.
ACT II.
A GLADE.
Jiapturous Maidens.
PATIENCE;
OR,
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE.
ACT I.
SCENE. Exterior of Castle Bunthorne. Entrance to castle by
draw-bridge over moat. Young Ladies dressed in cesthetic
draperies are grouped about the stage. They play on lutes,
mandolines, etc., as they sing, and all are in the last stage
of despair. ANGELA, ELLA, and SAPHIR lead them.
CHORUS.
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be,
Twenty love-sick maidens still !
SOLO. ANGELA.
Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die
All. Ah. miserie !
Yet my love lives, although no hope have I !
All. Ah, miserie !
Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away
All. Ah, miserie I
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay !
All. Ah, miserie !
CHORUS.
All our love is all for one,
Yet that love he heedeth nut,
He is coy and cares for none,
Sad and sorry is our lot !
Ah, miserie !
94 PATIENCE; OR,
SOLO. ELLA.
Go, breaking heart,
Go, dream of love requited !
Go, foolish heart,
Go, dream of lovers plighted ;
Go, madcap heart,
Go, dream of never waking ;
And in thy dream
Forget that thou art breaking !
Ail. Ah, miscrie !
Aug. There is a strange magic in this love of ours ! Rivals
as we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopeless-
ness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another !
Saph. Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very
cynosure of our eyes and hearts remains icy insensible what
have we to strive for ?
Ella. The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the
taxes !
Saph. Would that it were ! He pays his taxes.
Ang. And cherishes the receipts !
Enter LADY JANE.
Jane (suddenly}. Fools !
Ang. I beg your pardon ?
Jane. Fools and blind ! The man loves wildly loves !
Ang. But whom ? None of us !
Jane. No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the
nonce, on Patience the village milkmaid !
Saph. On, Patience ? Oh, it cannot be !
Jane. Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy,
eating fresh butter with a table-spoon. To-day he is not well !
Saph. But Patience boasts that she has never loved that
love is, to her, a sealed book ! Oh, he cannot be serious.
Jane. 'Tis but a fleeting fancy 'twill quickly pass away.
(Aside.") Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a wealth of
golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this rugged old
bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short indeed !
[All sigh wearily.
[PATIENCE appears on an eminence. She looks down
with pity on the despondent Ladies.
RECITATIVE.
Pa. Still brooding on their mad infatuation !
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me ;
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love, can be !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 95
Saph. (looking up). Tis Patience happy girl ! Loved by a Poet !
Pa. Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you ! (Going.)
Any, Nay, pretty child, come hither. Is it true
That you have never loved ?
Pa. Most true indeed.
Sopranos. Most marvellous !
Contraltos, And most deplorable !
SOXG. PATIENCE.
I cannot tell what this love may be
That cometh to all but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they'd imply,
Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ?
It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
Or why do these gentle ladies weep ?
It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said,
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ?
Though everywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be !
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing all night, all day.
Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me,
" Fal la la la ! "and " Miserie ! "
Chorus, Yes, she is blithe, etc.
Pa. If love is a thorn, they show no wit
Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they
Who gather and gather it, day by day !
If love is a nettle that makes you smart,
Why do you wear it next your heart V
And if it be none of these, say I,
Why do you sit and sob and sigh ?
Though everywhere, etc.
Chorus. For she is blithe, etc.
Aug. Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never
known true happiness ! (All sigh.)
Pa. But the truly happy always seem to have so much on
their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well.
Jane. There is a transcendentality of delirium an acute
accentuation of suprerncst ecstacy which the earthy might
easily mistake fur indigestion. But it is not indigestion it is
cesthetic transfiguration ! (To the others.) Enough of habble.
Come !
Pa. But I have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon
96 PATIENCE; OK,
Guards have baited in the village, and are even now on their
way to this very spot.
Ang. The 35th Dragoon Guards !
fSaph. They are fleshly men, of full habit !
Ella. We care nothing for Dragoon Guards !
Pa. But, bless me, you were all in love with them a year ago !
Saph. A year ago !
Ang. My poor child, you don't understand these things. A
year ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our
tastes have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. (To
the others.) Come ! it is time to lift up our voices in morning
carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door.
[The Ladies go off two and two into the Castle, singing
refrain of " Twenty love-sick maidens we," and
accompanying themselves on harps and mandolins.
PATIENCE ivatches them in surprise, as she clinibs
the rock by ivhich she entered.
March. Enter Officers of Dragoon Guards, led ~by MAJOR.
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
The soldiers of our Queen
Are linked in friendly tether ;
Upon the battle scene
They fight the foe together.
There every mother's son
Prepared to fight and fall is ;
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is !
Enter COLONEL.
SONG. COLONEL.
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan ;
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)
Coolness of Paget about to trepan
The science of Jnllien, the eminent musico
"NVit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray
Victor Emmanuel peak-haunting Peveril
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell
Tupper and Tennyson Daniel Defoe
Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot !
SUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. 97
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Chorus. Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes !
A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Col. If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon.
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)
The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban
A smack of Lord "Waterford, reckless and rollicky-
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan,
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hanibal
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal
Flavour of Harnlet the Stranger, a touch of him
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)
Beadle of Burlington Richardson's show
Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud !
Take of these elements all that is fusible-
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
All. Yes! yes! yes! yes!
A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Col. Well, here we are again on the scene of our former
triumphs. But where's the Duke ?
Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirit*.
Duke. Here I am! (Sighs.)
Col. Come, cheer up, don't give way !
Duke. Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be
expected to be, who has the misfortune to be a duke, with a
thousand a day !
Maj. Humph ! Most men would envy you !
Duke. Envy me ? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee ?
Maj. Very !
Col. We are all fond of toffee.
All. We are !
Duke. Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But
to live on toffee toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for
tea to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee,
and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but
toffee were offered to you how would you like that ?
Col. I can believe that, under those circumstances, even toflVe
would become monotonous.
7)7.y. F-n- "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject
in. ii
98 PATIENCE; OR,
deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to think
that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees !
Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me ! Am I particu-
larly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly
witty, or unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous ?
Col. You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I
saw.
All. You are!
Duke. Exactly ! That's it exactly ! That describes me to
a T ! Thank you all very much ! Well, I couldn't stand it
any longer so 1 joined this regiment. In the army, thought I,
I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who
knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am.
Col. (looking off). Yes, and here are the ladies !
Duke. But who is the gentleman with the long hair?
Col. I don't know.
Duke. He seems popular !
Col. He does seem popular !
BUNTHOBNE enters, followed by Ladies, two and two, singing
and playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem,
and quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across stage t
followed by Ladies. They take no notice of Dragoons to
the surprise and indignation of those Officers.
CHORUS OF LADIES.
In a melancholy train
Two and two we walk all day
Pity those who love in vain
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Now is not this ridiculous and is not this preposterous ?
A thorough-paced absurdity explain it if you can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this melancholy literary man.
Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us flirting with a fan ;
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us !
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man !
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man !
Ang. Mystic poet, hear our prayer,
Twenty love-sick maidens we
Young and wealthy, dark and fair
And we die for love of thee !
BUNTtfORNE*S BRIDE. 99
Yes, we die for love of thee
Twenty love-sick maidens we !
Bun. (aside slyly). Though my book I seem to scan.
In a rapt ecstatic way,
Like a literary man
Who despises female clay ;
I hear plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they !
Officers (to each other). He hears plainly, etc.
Ella. Though so excellently wise,
For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy purple eyes
From thy heart-drawn poesy.
Twenty love-sick maidens see
Each is kneeling on her knee ! (All kneel.)
Cho. of Ladles. Twenty love-sick, etc.
Bun. (aside). Though as I remarked before,
Any one convinced would be
That some transcendental lore
Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see
Each is kneeling on her knee !
Officers (to each other). Round the corner, etc.
ENSEMBLE.
OFFICERS. LADIES. BUNTHOKXE (aside).
Now is not this Mystic poet, hear Though my book I seem
ridiculous, etc. our prayers, etc. to scan, etc.
Col. Angela! what is the meaning of this?
Ang. Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are bat ill-attuned to light
love-talk.
Maj. But what in the world has come over you all ?
Jane. Bunthorne! Pie has come over us. He has come
among us, and he has idealized us.
Duke. Has he succeeded in idealizing you ?
Jane. He lias!
Duke. Bravo, Bunthorne !
Jane. My eyes are open ; I droop despairingly ; I am soul-
fully intense ; I am limp, and I cling !
[During this BUNTHORXE -is seen in all the agonies of
composition. The Ladies are ivatching him intently
as he writhes. At last, he hits on the word lie wants
and writes it down. A general sense of relief.
Bun. Finished ! At last ! Finished!
[_IIe staggers, overcome ivith the mental strain, info arms
of COLONEL.
Col. Are you better now ?
loo PATIENCE; OR,
Bun. Yes oh, it's you I am better now. The poem is
finished, and my soul had gone out into it. That was all. It
was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day.
(Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.') Ah,
Patience ! Dear Patience ! (Holds her hand ; she seems
frightened.')
Ang. Will it please you read it to us, sir?
Saph. This we supplicate. (All kneel.)
Bun. Shall I ?
All the Dragoons. No !
Bun. (annoyed to PATIENCE). I will read it if you bid me !
Pa. (much frightened). You can if you like!
Bun. It is a wild, weird, fleshly thing ; yet very tender, very
yearning, very precious. It is called, " Oh, Hollow ! Hollow !
Hollow!"
Pa. Is it a hunting song ?
Bun. A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is
the wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is
commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one
another and think of faint lilies. {They do so, as he recites.')
''OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!
What time the poet hath hymned
The writhing inaid, lithe-limbed,
Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,
How can he paint her woes,
Knowing, as well he knows,
That all can be set right with calomel ?
When from the poet's plinth
The amorous colocynth
Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills,
How can he hymn their throes
Knowing, as well he knows,
That they are only uncompounded pills ?
Is it, and can it be,
Nature hath this decree,
Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell ?
Or that in all her works
Something poetic lurks,
Even in colocynth and calomel?
I cannot tell.
Ang. How purely fragrant !
Saph. How earnestly precious !
Duke. Well, it seems to me to be nonsense.
Saph. Nonsense ; yes, perhaps but, oh, what precious non-
sense !
All Ah!
BUNTHORNVS BRIDE. 101
Col. This is all very well ; but you seem to forget that you
are engaged to us !
Sapli. It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are
not Delia Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be
Early English ere it is too late ! (Officers look at each other in
astonishment.')
Jane (looking at uniform). Ked and yellow ! Primary
colours ! Oh, South Kensington !
Duke. We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how
they could be improved.
Jane. No, you wouldn't. Still there is a cobwebby grey
velvet, with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made
Florentine fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather
and Spanish altar lace, and surmounted with something
Japanese it matters not what would at least be Early
English ! Come maidens.
[Exeunt Maidens, two and two, singing, refrain of
" Twenty love-sick maidens ive" The Officers watch
them off in astonishment.
Duke. Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform.
Col. A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of
Venus as in the field of Mars !
SONG. COLONEL.
When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
" It's one to a million
That any civilian,
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I've plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover's professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent everywhere ! "
A fact that I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
The same thing occurred to me, too,
When I first put this uniform on !
Col. I said, when I first put in on,
" It is plain to the veriest dunce
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once.
102 PATIENCE; OR,
They will see that I'm freely gold-laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste "
But the peripatetics
Of long-haired aesthetics,
Are very much more to their taste
Which I never counted upon
When I first put this uniform on !
C/io. By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have counted upon,
I didn't anticipate that,
When I first put this uniform on !
\_Tlie Dragoons go off angrily.
[As soon as he is alone, BUNTHORNE changes his manner
and becomes intensely melodramatic.
RECITATIVE AND SONG. BUNTHORNE.
Am I alone,
And unobserved ? I am !
Then let me own
I'm an aesthetic sham !
This air severe
Is but a mere
Veneer
This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile !
This costume chaste
Is but good taste
Misplaced !
Let me confess !
A languid love for lilies does not blight me !
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me !
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means.
I do not long for all one sees
That's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my medievalism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration !
SONG.
If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a man of
culture rare,
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant
them everywhere.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 103
You must lie upon the daisies, and discourse in novel phrases of your
complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental
kind.
And every one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
" If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man
must be ! "
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since
passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was
Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare
it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine.
And every one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
;t If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be ! "
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your
languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-
French French bean !
Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the
high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval
hand.
And every one will say,
As you walk your flowery way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love, which would certainly not
suit me,
Why what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man
must be ! "
At the end of his song PATIENCE enters. He sees her.
Bun. Ah ! Patience, come hither. I am pleased with thee.
The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with
thee. For you are not hollow. Are you ?
Pa. I beg your pardon I interrupt you.
Bun. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul,
yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart
is a-weary ! Oh, I am a cursed thing ! Don't go.
Pa. Pieally, I'm very sorry
Bun. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn ?
Pa. (misunderstanding him). I earn my living.
Bun. (impatiently). No, no ! Do you know what it is to be
heart-hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the
IC4 PATIENCE ; OR,
Indefinable, and yet to be brought face to face, daily, with the
Multiplication Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans
and to find puddles ? to long for whirlwinds and to have to do
the best you can with the bellows? That's my case. Ob, I
am a cursed thing !
Pa. If you please, I don't understand you you frighten me !
Bun. Don't be frightened it's only poetry.
Pa. If that's poetry, I don't like poetry.
Bun. (eagerly). Don't you? (Aside.) Can I trust her?
(Aloud.) Patience, you don't like poetry well, between you
and me, 7 don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial un-
satisfactory. What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields
when you know you can't get 'em, and would only let 'em out
on building leases if you had 'em ?
Pa. Sir, I
Bun. Don't go. Patience, I have long loved you let me
tell you a secret. I am not as bilious as I look. If you like I
will cut my hair. There is more innocent fun within me than
a casual spectator would imagine. You have never seen
me frolicsome. Be a good girl a very good girl and you
shall.
Pa. Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am
untaught, I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am
quite certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly
love you.
Bun. Oh, you think not ?
Pa. I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite.
Bun. (releasing her}. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank .
I don't care what becomes of me. I have only to ask that you
will not abuse my confidence ; though you despise me, I am
extremely popular with the other young ladies.
Pa. I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the
subject.
Bun. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate I go. (Recites.)
"Oh, to be wafted away
From this black Aceldama of sorrow,
Where the dust of an earthy to-day
Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow ! "
It is a little thing of my own. I call it " Heart Foam." I
shall not publish it. Farewell ! [Exit BUNTHORNE.
Pa. What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love
me? Why does he expect me to love him? He's not a
relation ! It frightens me !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 105
Enter ANGELA.
Ang. Why, Patience, what is the matter ?
Pa. Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on
earth is this love that upsets everybody ; and secondly, how is
it to be distinguished from insanity ?
Ang. Poor blind girl ! Oh, forgive her, Eros ! "Why, love is
of all passions the most essential ! It is the embodiment of
purity, the abstraction of refinement; it is the one unselfish
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed !
Pa. Oh dear, oh ! (Beginning to cry.)
Ang. Why are you crying?
Pa. To think that I have lived all these years without
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion ! Why,
what a wicked girl I must be ! For it is unselfish, isn't it ?
Ang. Absolutely. Love that is tainted with selfishness is no
love. Oh, try, try, try to love ! It really isn't difficult if you
give your whole mind to it.
Pa. I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm
head over ears in love with somebody.
Ang. Noble girl. But is it possible that you have never
loved anybody ?
Pa. Yes, one.
Ang. Ah, whom?
Pa. My great-aunt.
Ang. Your great-aunt doesn't count.
Pa. Then there's nobody. At least no, nobody. Not since
I was a baby. But that don't count, I suppose.
Ang. I don't know tell me all about it.
DUET. PATIENCE AND ANGELA.
Pu. Long years ago, fourteen, maybe,
When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me,
My elder by a year or more.
A little child of beauty rare,
With marvellous eyes and wondrous hair.
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me
All that a little child should be !
Ah, how we loved, that child and I,
How pure our baby joy !
How true our love and, by-the-by,
He was a little boy !
Ang. Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch !
I thought as much I thought as much !
He was a little boy !
jo6 PATIENCE; OR,
Pa. (shocked). Pray don't misconstrue what I say
Remember, pray remember, pray,
He was a little boy !
Any. No doubt, yet spite of all your pains,
The interesting fact remains
He was a little boy !
ENSEMBLE.
No'doult } iQ *P ite of a11 " 5 " 8 etc "
[Exit ANGELA.
Pa. It's perfectly appealing to think of the dreadful state
I must be in ! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder
they all look so unhappy. Upon my word, I hardly like to
associate with myself. I don't think I'm respectable. I'll go
at once and fall in love with -
Enter GROSVENOR.
Pa. A stranger!
DUET. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR.
Gros. Prithee, pretty maiden prithee tell me true,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly !)
Have you e'er a lover a dangling after you ?
Hey willow waly !
I would fain discover
If you have a lover ?
Hey willow waly !
Pa. Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free
(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly !)
Nobody I care for comes a courting me
Hey willow waly O !
Nobody I care for
Comes a courting therefore,
Hey willow waly O !
Gros, Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly !)
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee
Hey willow waly O !
Money, I despise it,
But many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O !
Pa. Gentle sir, although to marry I design
(Hey, but he's hopeful willow willow waly !)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.
Hey willow waly !
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE. 107
To other maidens go you
As yet I do not know you,
Hey willow waly !
Gros. Patience ! Can it be that you don't recognize me ?
Pa. Recognize you ? No, indeed I don't !
Gros. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me ?
Pa. Fifteen years ? What do you mean?
Gros. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your
Archibald? your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos,
this is too bad of you !
Pa. Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It
is! It is! It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I thought
we should never meet again ! And how you've grown !
Gros. Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter
than I was.
Pa. And how you've improved !
Gros. Yes, Patience, I am very beautiful ! (Sighs.)
Pa. But surely that doesn't make you unhappy ?
Gros. Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which
probably has not its rival on earth I am, nevertheless, utterly
and completely miserable.
Pa. Oh, but why ?
Gro.s. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive,
then, the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my
hideous destiny to be madly loved by every woman I come
across !
Pa. But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why
not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this
persecution ?
Gros. No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts irksome
as they are have been confided to me for the enjoyment and
delectation of my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty,
and it is my duty to see that the conditions of my trust are
faithfully discharged.
Pa. And you, too, are a Poet ?
Gros. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called
" Archibald the All-right " -for I am infallible !
Pa. And is it possible that you condescend to love such a
girl as I ?
Gros. Yes, Patience, is it not strange ? I have loved you
with a Florentine fourteenth-century i'renzy for full fifteen
years !
Pa. Oh, marvellous ! I have hitherto been deaf to the
voice of love I seem now to know what love is ! It has been
revealed to me it is Archibald Grosvenor !
io8 PATIENCE; OR,
Gros. Yes, Patience, it is ! (Embrace.)
Pa. (as in a trance). We will never, never part !
Gros. We will live and die together !
Pa. I swear it !
Gros. We both swear it ! (Embrace.)
Pa. (recoiling from him). But oh, horror !
Gros. What's the matter?
Pa. Why, you are perfection ! A source of endless ecstasy
to all who know you !
Gros. I know I am well ?
Pa. Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in
loving you !
Gros. Merciful powers, I never thought of that !
Pa. To monopolize those features on which all women love
to linger ! It would be unpardonable !
Gros. Why, so it would ! Oh, fatal perfection, again you
interpose between me and my happiness !
Pa. Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you
are!
Gros. Would that I were ; but candour compels me to admit
that I'm not !
Pa. Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever!
Gros. Oh, misery ! And yet I cannot question the propriety
of your decision. Farewell, Patience !
Pa. Farewell, Archibald ! But stay !
Gros. Yes, Patience ?
Pa. Although I may not love you for you are perfect
there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, homely,
unattractive !
Gros. Why, that's true !
Pa. The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must
be unselfish !
Gros, Unselfishness itself !
DEUT. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOK.
Pa. Though, to marry you would very selfish be
Gros* Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly !
Pa. You may all the same continue loving me
Gros. Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly !
Both. All the world ignoring,
^ on
Hey willow waly !
[At the end, exeunt despairingly, in opposite directions.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 109
Enter BUNTIIORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with
garlands, and looldng very miserable. He is led by ANGELA
and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland
by which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of
Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on
cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments.
CHORUS.
Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic measure.
Every heart with hope is beating,
For at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride !
Enter Dragoons, led by COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They
are surprised at proceedings.
CHORUS OF DRAGOOXS.
Xow tell us, we pray you,
Why thus you array you
Oh, poet, how say you
What is it you've done ?
Duke. Of rite sacrificial.
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don't you run ?
Col. They cannot have led you,
To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you,
Unfortunate one !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Then tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you
Oh, poet, how say you
What is it you've done ?
RECITATIVE. BUNTHORXE.
Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity,
By the advice of my solicitor (introducing his solicitor),
In aid in aid of a deserving charity.
I've put myself up to be raffled for !
Maiden?, By the advice of his solicitor
'He's put himself up t<- l>e raffled for !
no PATIENCE; OR,
Dragoons. Oh, horror ! urged by his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for !
Maidens. Oh, Heaven's blessing on his solicitor !
Dragoons. A hideous curse on his solicitor !
[The Solicitor, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off.
Col. Stay, we implore you,
Before our hopes are blighted !
You see before you
The men to whom you're plighted !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Stay we implore you,
For we adore you ;
To us you're plighted
To be united
Stay we implore you !
SOLO. DUKE.
Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel
To pity's eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel.
(Aside to Dragoons.) Sigh, sigh, all sigh ! [They all sigh.
To foeman's steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye
(Aside to Dragoons.) Kneel, kneel, all kneel ! [They all kneel.
Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet I need not tell you. why
A tear-drop dews each martial eye !
(Aside to Dragoons.) Weep, weep, all weep ! [They all iveep.
ENSEMBLE.
Our soldiers very seldom cry
And yet I need not tell you why
A tear-drop dews each manly eye !
Weep, weep, all weep !
L author ne (who has 'been impatient during the appeal).
Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity,
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity,
Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity,
Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain
Such a judge of blue-and-white, and other kinds of pottery
From early Oriental, down to modern terra-cotta-ry
Put in half a guinea you may draw him in a lottery
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
Chorus. Such a judge of blue-and-white, etc.
BUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. in
[Maidens crowd up to purchase tickets duriny this
Dragoons dance in single file round stage to express
their indifference.
Dragoons. We've been thrown over, we're aware,
But we don't care but we don't care !
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don't care so we don't care !
[During this the Girls have been buying tickets. At last,
JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE looks at her
with aversion.
RECITATIVE.
Bun. And are you going, a ticket for to buy ?
Jane (surprised}. Most certainly I am ; why should not I ?
Bun. (aside). Oh, Fortune this is hard! (Aloud.) Blindfold
your eyes ;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize !
[Girls blindfold theinselccs.
CHORUS OF MAIDENS.
Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind ;
Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind ! ( Each uncovers one eye.)
Just raise your bandage, thus, that you may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me ! ( They cover their eyes
again.)
Bun. Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first !
Jane (joyfully). He loves me best !
Bun. (aside). I want to know the worst !
[JANE draws a paper, and is about to open it, ivhen
PATIENCE enters. PATIENCE snatches paper from
JANE and tears it up.
Pa. Hold ! Stay your hand !
All (uncovering their eyes). What means this interference ?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance !
Jane. Away with you, and to your milk-pails go?
Bun. (suddenly). She wants a ticket ! Take a dozen ! !
Pa. No !
SOLO. PATIENCE, kneeling to BUNTHORNE.
If there be pardon in your breast
For a poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest,
Sincerely doth repent.
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be vour bride !
112 PATIENCE; OR,
All, Oh, shameless one !
Oh, boldfaced thing !
Away you run
Go, take you wing, '
You shameless one !
You boldfaced thing !
Sun, How strong is love ! For many and many a week,
She's loved me fondly and has feared to speak,
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art and here we are !
Pa, No, Mr. Bunthorne, no you're wrong again,
Permit me I'll endeavour to explain!
SONG. PATIENCE.
True love must single-hearted be
Bun. Exactly so !
Pa. From every selfish fancy free
Bun. Exactly so !
Pa, No idle thought of gain or joy,
A maiden's fancy should employ-
True love must be without alloy.
All. Exactly so !
Pa. Imposture to contempt must lead
Col. Exactly so !
Pa. Blind vanity's dissension's seed
Maj. Exactly so !
Pa, It follows then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you (indicating BUNTHORNE),
Is prompted by no selfish view !
All. Exactly so !
Saph. (taking BUNTHORNE aside). Are you resolved to wed
this shameless one ?
Ang. Is there no chance for any other ?
Sun. (decisively}. None !
[Embraces PATIENCE.
[ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, DUKE, and
MAJOR down, while Girls gaze fondly at other
Officers.
SESTETTE.
I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old old love, long dead
It whispers my sorrowing heart " rejoice "
For the last sad tear is shed
The pain that is all but a pleasure we'll change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh, never, this heart will range
From that old old love again ! [Girls embrace Officers.
Chorus. Yes, the pain that is all, etc. [Embrace.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 113
[ As the Dragoons and Girls are embracing, enter Guos-
VEXOR, reading. lie takes no notice of them, but
comes slowly down, still reading. The Girls are all
strangely fascinated by him and gradually withdraw
from Dragoons.
AIXJ. But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he conies of noble race V
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow's interesting trace V
ENSEMBLE. TUTTI.
Yes, who is this ? etc.
Gros. I am a broken-hearted troubadour,
Whose mind's aesthetic, and whose tastes are pure !
Any. ^Esthetic ! He is aesthetic !
Gros. Yes, yes I am aesthetic
And poetic !
All the Ladies. Then, we love you !
[The Girls leave Dragoons and group, kneeling, around
GROSVEXOR. Fury of BUNTHOKNE, who recognizes
a rival.
Dragoons. They love him ! Horror !
Jhm. and Pa. They love him ! Horror !
Gros. They love me ! Horror! Horror! Horror!
ENSEMBLE. TUTTI.
GIRLS. GROSVENOR.
Oh, list while we a love confess Again my cursed comeliness
That words imperfectly express. Spreads hopeless anguish and dis-
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not tress,
close Thine ears, Fortune, did not close
To blighted love's distract ing woes ! To my intolerable woes.
Nor be distressed, nor scandalized Let me be hideous, undersized,
If what we do is ill-advised, Contemned, degraded, loathed, de-
Or we shall seek within the tomb spised.
Relief from our appalling doom ! Or bid me seek within the tomb
Relief from my detested doom !
PATIENCE. BUN.
List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't express,
A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly confess,
That it's unselfish, goodness His shell-like ear he does not close
knows, To their recital of their woes
You won't dispute it, I suppose. I'm more than anery and surprised,
For you are hideous undersized, I'm pained, and shocked, and scau-
And everything that I've despised, dalized,
And I shall love yon, I presume, But he shall meet a hideous doom
I'ntil I sin!; into the tomb ! Prepared for him by I kr.o\v
whom !
IH. I
H4 PATIENCE ; OR,
ACT II.
SCENE. A glade. In the centre a small sheet of water. JANE
is discovered leaning on a violoncello, upon which she
presently accompanies herself.
Jane. The fickle crew have deserted Eeginald and sworn
allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced
with passing favour on a puling milkmaid ! Fools ! Of that
fancy he will soon weary and then I, who alone am faithful
to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long,
Keginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they
are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far ?
RECITATIVE. JANE.
Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to " dim her eyes ! "
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved " combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve and pearly grey,
To " make up " for lost time, as best she may !
SOXG. JANE.
Silvered is the raven hair
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait.
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limped eye,'
Little will be left of me,
In the coming by-and-b} r !
Fading is the taper waist
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although securely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim !
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I
There will be too much of me
In the coming by-aad-by ! [Exit JANE.
Enter GROSVENOR, followed ~by Maidens, two and two, each
playing on an archaic instrument, as in Act I. lie is
reading abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I. t and
pays no attention to them.
BUMTHORNES BRIDE. 115
CHORUS OF MAIDENS.
Turn, oh, turn, in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection
Our poor fainting hearts beguile !
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or-incontinently perish,
In their all consuming rays !
\He, sits they group around him.
Gros. (aside). The old old tale. How rapturously these
maidens love me, and how hopelessly ! Ob, Patience, Patience,
with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these
poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity ? Alas, they will
die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for
thcc!
Ang. Sir, will it please you read to us ? {Kneels.}
Gros. (sighing). Yes, child, if you will. What shall I
read ?
Ang. One of your own poems.
Gros. One of my own poems ? Better not, my child. They
will not cure thee of thy love.
Ella. Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own
every day.
Saph. And, to do him justice, he read them extremely
well.
Gros. Oh, did he so ? Well, who am I that I should take
upon myself to withhold my gifts from you ? What am I but
a trustee ? Here is a decalet a pure and simple thing, a very
daisy a babe might understand it. To appreciate it it is not
necessary to think of anything at all.
Ang. Let us think of nothing at all !
GROSVEXOR recites.
Gentle Jane was as good as gold,
She always did as she was told.
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught blue-bottles their legs to pull ;
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage !
Gros. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one
word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of
shame to the cheek of modesty.
u6 PATIENCE; OR,
Ang. Nut one ; it is purity itself.
Gns. Here's another.
Teasing Tom was a very bad bo}' ;
A great big squirt was his favourite to}' ;
He put live shrimps in his father's boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits ;
He punched his poor little sisters' heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds ;
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally !
Ang. Marked you how grandly how relentlessly the
damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a
poised hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer. Oh,
it was terrible !
Ella. Ob, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our
hearts, and they go out to you !
Gros. (aside). This is simply cloying. (Aloud.) Ladies, I
am sorry to distress you, but you have been following me about
ever since Monday, and this is Saturday. I should like the
usual half-holiday, and if you will kindly allow me to close
early to-day, I shall take it as a personal favour.
Saph. Oh, sir, do not send us from you !
Gros. Poor, poor girls ! It is best to speak plainly. I know
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for
my heart is fixed elsewhere ! Eemember the fable of the
Magnet and the Churn !
Ang. (wildly). But we don't know the fable of the Magnet
and the Churn !
Gros. Don't you ? Then I will sing it to you.
SONG. GROSVENOR.
A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives ;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him,
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn !
All. A Silver Churn !
Gros. A Silver Churn !
His most {esthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn
" If I can wheedle
A knife or needle,
Why not a Silver Churn ? "
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 117
Chor. His most aesthetic, etc.
(Jros. And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The pen-knives felt " shut up," no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves " cut out,"
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,
While every nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up and drove them home.
All. It drove them home ?
Gros. It drove them home ;
While this magnetic
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour,
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn !
All. While this magnetic, etc.
\Tliey go off in low spirits, gazing lack at him from time
to time.
Gros. At last they are gone! Wheat is this mysterious
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across. A
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests !
PATIENCE appears.
Pa. Archibald!
Gros. (turns and sees her). Patience !
Pa. I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald.
I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still
love me as fondly as ever ?
Gros. Love you ? If the devotion of a lifetime (Seizes
her hand.)
Pa. {indignantly'). Hold ! Unhand me, or I scream. (He
releases her.) If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I
am another's! (Very tenderly.) But you do love me, don't
you?
Gros. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly !
Pa. That's right ! I can never be yours ; but that's right !
Gros. And you love this Bunthorne ?
Pa. With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches,
and burns, and stings ! (Sadly.) It is my duty.
Gros. Admirable girl ! But you are not happy with him ?
Pa. Happy ? I am miserable beyond description !
Gros. That's right ! I never can be yours ; but that's right !
Pa. But go now I see dear Reginald approaching. Fare-
H8 PATIENCE; OR,
well, dear Archibald, I cannot tell you how happy it has made
me to know that you still love me.
Gros. Ah, if I only dared (Advances towards her.)
Pa. Sir ! This language to one who is promised to another !
(Tenderly.) Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my
heart is breaking ! He is so unkind to me, and you would be
so loving !
Gros. Loving ! (Advances towards her.)
Pa. Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman,
I scream! (Tenderly.} Farewell, Archibald ! (Sternly.) Stop
there! (Tenderly.) Think of me sometimes! (Angrily.)
Advance at your peril ! Once more, adieu !
[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply,
and exit. She bursts into tears.
*
Enter BuNTHORNE,/oZZ0;ed by JANE. He is moody and
preoccupied.
JANE sings.
In a melancholy train,
One and one I walk all day ;
Pity those who love in vain
None so sorrowful as they,
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alack a-day !
Bun. (seeing PATIENCE). Crying, eh ? What are you crying
about ?
Pa. I've only been thinking how dearly I love you !
Bun. Love me ! Bah !
Jane. Love him ! Bah !
Bun. (to JANE). Don't you interfere.
Jane. He always crushes me !
Pa. (going to him). What is the matter, dear Eeginald ? If
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with
you. (Sighing.) It is my duty !
Bun. (snappishly). Whom were you talking with, just now ?
Pa. With dear Archibald.
Bun. (furiously). With dear Archibald ! Upon my honour,
this is too much !
Jane. A great deal too much !
Bun. (angrily to JANE). Do be quiet !
Jane. Crushed again !
Pa. I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect being
I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he
is devotedly atttached to me, but indeed I don't love him.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 119
Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty !
(Sighing).
Hun. I dare say !
Jane. So do I. / dare say !
Pa. Why, how could I love him and love you too ? You
can't love two people at once !
Sun. I don't believe you know what love is !
Pa. (sighing). Yes, I do! There was a happy time when
I didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me!
BALLAD. PATIENCE.
Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suffering maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed.
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad.
Blind to his every mote,
Merry when he is glad !
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true !
Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at every frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your tear-drops down,
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir ;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her !
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true !
[At the end of ballad, exit PATIENCE, weeping.
Bun. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-
faced idiot carne here. Before that I was admired ; I may say,
loved.
Jane. Too mild. Adored !
Dun. Do let a poet soliloquize ! The darnozels used to follow
me wherever I went ; now they all follow him !
Jane. Not all ! I am still faithful to you.
Bun. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are !
Jane. No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up ! I will never
leave you, I swear it !
Bun. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his con-
120 PATIENCE; OR t
founded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if 3^011
please ! And no doubt 1 am highly spiced.
Jane. Not for my taste !
Bun. (savagely}. No; 'but I am for theirs. But I can be as
mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I'll
meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it.
Jane. You shall. And I will help you.
Bun. You will ? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you,
after all !
DUET. BUNTHORXE AND JAKE.
Jane. So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical
Bun. Sing "Hey to you
Good day to you "
And that's what I shall say !
Jane. "Your style is much too sanctified your cut is too
canonical
Bun. Sing "Bah to you
Ha ! ha ! to you "-
And that's what I shall say !
Jane. " I was the beau ideal of the morbid young lesthetical
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."
Bun. Sing " Booh to you
Pooh, pooh, to you"
And that's what I shall say !
Both. Sing " Hey to you, good day to you "
Sing "Bah to you, ha ! ha ! to you "
Sing "Booh to you, pooh, pooh"
And that's what -{ u } shall say !
Bun. I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular
Jane. Say " Booh to you
Pooh, pooh, to you "
And that's what you should say !
Bun. To cut his curly hair, and stick an eye-glass in his ocular
Jane. Sing " Bah to you
Ha ! ha ! to you "
And that's what you should say !
Bun. To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity
He'd better clear away with all convenient rapidity.
Jane. Sing " Hey to you
Good day to you"
And that's what you should say !
Both. Sing " Booh to you pooh, pooh, to you,"
Sing " Bah to you ha! ha ! to you,"
Sing " Hey to you good day to you "
And that's what shall say !
[Exeunt JANE and BUNTHORXE torjetltcr.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE.
[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR. They have abandoned
their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation
of JEsthetics. They have long hair, and other outward
signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they
^valk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes a grotesque
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted ly Bunthorne and the
young Ladies in Act I.
TRIO.
DUKE, COLONEL, AND MAJOR.
It's clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring ;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing :
You hold yourself like this (attitude),
You hold yourself like that (attitude),
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude).
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect.
If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid,
You can't get high Esthetic tastes like trousers, ready made.
True views on Medievalism, Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing :
You hold yourself like this (attitude),
You hold yourself like that (attitude),
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude),
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him (attitude).
Col. (attitude). Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to
become as aesthetic as they are.
Maj. (attitude). No doubt. The only question is how far
we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an
idea that this is not quite right.
Duke (attitude). I don't like it. I never did. I don't see
what it means. I do it, but I don't like it.
Col. My good friend, the question is not whether we like if,
but whether they do. They understand these things we don't.
Now, I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough at a
distance.
Maj. I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It would
be extremely awkward if we were to be " struck " so !
Col. I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a
little awkward at first but everything must have a beginning.
Oh, here they come ! 'Tention !
122 PATIENCE; OR,
They sir ike fresh attitudes, as ANG. and SAPHIR enter.
Aug. (seeing them).~~Gh, Saphir see see! The immortal
fire has descended ou them, and they are of the Inner Brother-
hood perceptively intense and consummately utter! (The
Officers have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained
attitudes.)
Saph. (in admiration). How Botticellian ! How Fra
Angelican ! Oh, Art ! I thank thee for this boon !
Col. (apologetically). I'm afraid we're not quite right.
Ang. Not supremely, perhaps, but, oh, so ail-but! (To
SAPHIR.) Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too ail-but?
Saph. They are indeed jolly utter.
Maj. (in agony). What do the Inner Brotherhood usually
recommend for cramp ?
Col. Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the ex-
tremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without
its effect.
Ang. We will not deny that we are much moved by this
proof of your attachment.
Saph. Yes, your conversion to the principles of -/Esthetic Art
in its highest development has touched us deeply.
Ang. And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdurate
Saph. Which we have every reason to believe he will
Maj. (aside, in agony). I wish they'd make haste.
Ang. We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts
will not go out to you.
Col. (as giving a word of command). By sections of threes
Rapture! (All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of (Esthetic
rapture.)
Saph. Oh, it's extremely good for beginners it's admir-
able.
Maj. The only question is, who will take who ?
Saph. Oh, the Duke choose first, as a matter of course.
Duke. Oh, I couldn't think of it you are really too
good!
Col. Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance
of hooking you.
Duke. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose
Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. Suppose you
choose Saphir, Major takes Angela, I take nobody. Suppose
you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear
as dav !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 123
QUINTETTE.
DUKE, COLONEL, MAJOR, ANGELA, AND SAPHIR.
DUKE (taking SAPHIR).
If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life ;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.
\_IIandirtg ANGELA to COLONEL.
[DUKE dances with SAPHIR, COLONEL ivith ANGELA,
MAJOR dances alone.
MAJOR (dancing alone),
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to be contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
DUKE (taking ANGELA).
If on Angy I determine,
At niy wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine,
Major then can take Saphir !
[Handing SAPHIR to MAJOR.
[DuKE dances ivith ANGELA, MAJOR with SAPHIR,
COLONEL dances alone.
COLONEL (dancing}.
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to be contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
DUKE (taking both ANGELA and SAPHIR).
After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,
[Handing SAPHIR to COLONEL.
Angy be the Major's bride !
[Handing ANGELA to MAJOR.
[COLONEL dances with SAPHIR, MAJOR with ANGELA,
DUKE dances alone. ]
124 PATIENCE; OR,
DUKE (dancing').
In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to live contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
[At the end, DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, and tuo Girls
dance off arm in arm.
Enter GROSVENOE.
Gros. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will ! (Looking at his reflection in
hand-mirror.') Ah ! I am a very Narcissus !
Enter BUNTHORNE, moodily.
Bun. It's no use, I can't live without admiration ! Since
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah,
he is there !
Gros. Ah, Bunthorne, come here look ! Very graceful,
isn't it?
Bun. (taking hand-mirror). Yes, it is graceful.
Gros. (re-taking hand-mirror'). Oh ! good gracious not that
Bun. You don't mean that. Bah ! I am in no mood for
trifling.
Gros. And what is amiss ?
Bun. Ever since you came here, you have entirely mono-
polized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir !
Gros. My dear sir, how can I help it ? They are the plague
of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal dis-
advantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being
madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet.
Bun. Sir, until you came here I was adored !
Gros. Exactly until I came here. That's my grievance.
I cut everybody out ! I assure you, if you could only suggest
some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I
could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my
everlasting gratitude.
Bun. I will do so at once. However popular it may be
BUNTHORNES BRIDE. 125
with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly
objectionable to me.
Gros. It is? (Shaking his hand.) Oh, thank you, thank
you ! How can I express my gratitude ?
Bun. By making a complete change at once. Your conver-
sation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must
cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and
costume you must be absolutely commonplace.
Gros. (decidedly'). No. Pardon me, that's impossible.
Bun. Take care. When I am thwarted I am very terrible.
Gros. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And
that mission must be fulfilled.
Bun. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me.
Gros. I don't care what they are.
Bun. Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I will do it
but suppose for one moment, I were to curse you ? (Giios-
VENOR quails.) Ah! Very well. Take care.
Gros. But surely you would never do that? (In great
alarm.)
Bun. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no
doubt. Still
Gros. (wildly). But you would not do it I am sure you
would not. (Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE'S knees, and
clinging to him.) Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother
once.
Bun. Never !
Gros. Then you had an aunt ! (BUNTHORNE affected.) Ah!
I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you
to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr.
Bunthorne, reflect, reflect ! ( Weeping^.)
Bun. (aside, after a struggle with himself). I must not allow
myself to be unmanned ! (Aloud.) It is useless. Consent at
once, or may a nephew's curse
Gros. Hold. Are you absolutely resolved ?
Bun. Absolutely.
Gros. Will nothing shake you ?
Bun. Nothing. I am adamant.
Gros. Very good. (Rising.) Then I yield.
Bun. Ha ! You swear it ?
Gros. I do. Cheerfully. I have long wished for a reason-
able pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at
last. I do it on compulsion!
Bun. Victory ! I triumph !
126 PATIENCE: OR,
DUET, BUXTHORXE AND GROSVEXOE.
Bun. When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And " High diddle diddle "
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste !
A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man.
Both. A most intense young man, etc.
Gros. Conceive me, if you can,
An everyday young man ;
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan.
Who thinks suburban " hops,"
More fun than "Monday pops."
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.
A commonplace young man
A matter-of-fact young man
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday
Everyday young man !
Bun. A Japanese young man
A blue-and-white young man
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piininy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man.
Gros. A Chancery Lane young man
A Somerset House young man
A very delectable, highly respectable,
Threepenny-bus young man !
Bun. A pallid and thin young man
A haggard and lank young man
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man !
Gros. A Sewell and Cross young man
A Howell and James young man
A pushing young particle " What's the next
article "
Waterloo House young man !
BUNT&ORN&S BRIDE. 127
ENSEMBLE.
BUN. GKOS.
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young A matter-of-fact young man,
man, An alphabetical, arithmetical,
An ultra-poetical, super-a3sthctical, Everyday young man !
Out-of-the-way young man !
[At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. BUNTIIORXE
remains.
Bun. It is all right ! I have committed my last act of ill-
nature, and henceforth I'm a reformed character.
[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air.
Enter PATIENCE. She gazes in astonishment at him.
Pa. Keginald! Dancing! And what in the world is the
matter with you ?
Bun. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto, I've been
gloomy, moody, fitful uncertain in temper, and selfish in
disposition
Pa. You have indeed ! (Sighing.)
Sun. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have
modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly
cheerful. My conversation will blend amusement with in-
struction. I shall still be esthetic ; but my asstheticism wilt
be of the most pastoral kind.
Pa. Oh, Reginald ! Is all this true V
Bun. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. (Assuming
a fixed smile.)
Pa. But, Keginald, how long will this last ?
Bun. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as
long as I do.
Pa. Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy ! (In his arms.) Oh, dear,
dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change.
It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure a
rapture, an ecstasy !
Bun. My darling !
Pa. But oh, horror ! (Recoiling from him.)
Bun. What's the matter ?
Pa. Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed
that you are .henceforth a perfect being utterly free from
defect of any kind ?
Bun. It is quite certain. I have sworn it !
Pa. Then I never can be yours !
Bun. Why not?
US PATIENCE; OR,
Pa. Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there
can bo nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you
have now become !
Bun. But, stop a bit, I don't want to reform I'll relapse
I'll be as I was
Pa. No ; love should purify it should never debase.
Bun. But, I assure you, I interrupted !
Enter GROSVENOR, followed by all the young Ladies, who are
followed ~by chorus of Dragoons. He has had his hair cut,
and is dressed in an ordinary suit of dittos and a pot hat.
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked
contrast to their former languor.
CHORUS GROSVENOR AND LADIES.
GROS. LADIES.
I'm a Waterloo House young man, We're Swears and Wells young
A Sewell and Cross young man, girls,
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank- We're Madame Louise young girls,
holiday, We're prettily pattering, cheerily
Everyday young man. chattering,
Everyday young girls.
Gros. I'm a Waterloo House young man !
Girls. We're Swears and Wells young girls !
Gros. I'm a Sewell and Cross young man !
Girls. We're Madam Louise young girls !
Gros. \ I'm a steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday,
f Everyday young man !
Ladies. I We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,
Everyday young girls !
Bun. Angela Ella Saphir what what does this mean ?
Ang. It means that Archibald the All-right cannot be
wrong; and if the All-right chooses to discard sestheticism, it
proves that ffistheticism ought to be discarded.
Pa. Oh, Archibald ! Archibald! I'm shocked surprised
horrified !
Gros. I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on
compulsion.
Pa. This is terrible. Go ! I shall never set eyes on you
again. But oh, joy !
Gros. What is the matter ?
Pa. Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a
commonplace young man ?
Gros. Always I've sworn it.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 129
Pa. Why, then, there's nothing to prevent "my loving you
with all the fervour at my command !
Oros. Why, that's true.
Pa. My Archibald !
Gros. My Patience! (They embrace.)
Bun. Crushed again !
Enter JANE.
Jane (ivho is still (esthetic). Cheer up ! I am still here. I
have never left you, and I never will !
Bun. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it,
you're a fine figure of a woman !
Jane. My Reginald !
Bun. My Jane !
Flourish. Enter COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR.
Col. Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a
bride! (General excitement.)
Duke. I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you
as are truly lovely. (All come forward, bashfully, except JANE
and PATIENCE.) In personal beauty you have all that is
necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the
misfortune to be distinctly plain. (Girls retire disappointed.)
Jane !
Jane (leaving BUNTHORNE'S arms). Duke ! (JANE and
DUKE embrace. BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.)
Bun. Crushed again !
FIXALE.
Duke. After much debate internal
I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Colonel,
Angy be the Major's bride !
[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, ANGELA with the
MAJOR, ELLA with Solicitor.
Bun. In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or lily !
[Takes a lily from button-hole, and gazes affectionately
at it.
All. He will have to be contented
With a tulip or lily !
111. K
130 PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNES BRIDE.
All '. Greatly pleased with one another,
To get married we decide,
Each of us will wed the other,
Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride !
DANCE.
CUKTAIN.
PRINCESS IDA;
OR,
CASTLE ADAMANT.
A RESPECTFUL OPERATIC PER-VERSION OF
TENN Y SON'S ' ' PRfNCESS, ' '
IN THREE ACTS.
Produced at the Savoy Theatre, Saturday, January $th, 1884, under
the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
KING HILDEBRAND MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
HILARION, his Son MR. H. BRACY.
CYRIL, 1 (MR. DURWARD LELY.
> Hnarion s friends ... <
FLORIAN j I. MR. CHAS. RYLEY.
KING GAMA MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
ARAC (MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
GURON I his Sons \ MR. WARWICK GRAY.
SCYNTHIUS J ' MR. LUGG.
PRINCESS IDA, Gama's Daughter ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM.
LADY BLANCHE, Professor of Abstract
Science Miss BRANDRAM.
LADY PSYCHE, Professor of Humanities Miss KATE CHARD.
MELISSA, Lady Blanche's Daughter ... Miss JESSIE BOND.
SACHARISSA "j /-Miss SYBIL GREY.
CHLOE \ Girl Graduates ... | Miss HEATHCOTE.
ADA J [ Miss LILIAN CARR.
Soldiers, Courtiers, Girl Graduates) Daughters of the Plough, etc.
ACT I.
PAVILION IN KING HILDEBRAND'S PALACE.
ACT II.
GARDENS OF CASTLE ADAMANT.
ACT III.
COURTYARD OF CASTLE ADAMANT.
PRINCESS IDA;
OR,
CASTLE ADAMANT.
ACT I.
SCENE. Pavilion attached to KING HILDEBRAND'S Palace.
Soldiers and Courtiers discovered looking out through opera*
glasses, telescopes, etc., FLORIAN leading.
CHORUS.
Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who to-day should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter
Ida is her name.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them consequently
Search throughout the panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion's flame !
SOLO.
Flor. Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted ?
AIL Who can tell"?
Flor. Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted ?
All. Who can tell?
Flor. Will she back out, and say she did not mean them ?
All. Who can tell?
Flor. If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them !
All. No, no we'll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Hildebrand, and so,
Search throughout, etc.
134 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Enter KING HILDEBRAND, with CYRIL.
Hild. See you no sign of Gama ?
Flor. None, my liege !
Hild. It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail
To put in an appearance at our Court
Before the sun has set in yonder west,
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here,
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
At the extremely early age of one,
There's war between King Gama and ourselves !
(Aside to CYRIL.) Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview,
It's twenty years since he and I have met.
He was a twisted monster all awry
As though dame Nature, angry with her work,
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance !
Cyr. But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was
A kind, well-spoken gentlemen ?
Eild. Oh, no !
For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
(His " sting " is present, though his " stung" is past.)
Flor. (looking through glass). But stay, my liege ; o'er
yonder mountain's brow
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms ;
And now, I look more closely at it, sir,
I see attached to it King Gama's legs ;
From which I gather this corollary
That that small body must be Gama's own !
Hild. Ha ! Is the Princess with him ?
Flor. Well, my liege,
Unless her highness is full six feet high,
And wears moustachios too and smokes cigars
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel
I do not think she is.
Hild. One never knows.
She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things!
Come, bustle there !
For Gama place the richest robes we own
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out
For Gama place cold water and dry bread !
For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
CASTLE ADAMANT. 135
Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
Much more than everything much less than nothing !
SONG AXD CHORUS.
Hild. Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand
CHORUS.
To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow !
Hild. If Garna bring the Princess here
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.
CHORUS.
If she come here
We'll give him a cheer,
And we will show you how.
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
We'll shout and sing
Long live the king,
And his daughter, too, I trow !
Then shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
For the fair Princess and her good papa,
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah !
Hild. But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both !
CHORUS.
He'll trounce them both,
Upon his oath.
As sure as quarter day !
Hild. We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.
CHORUS.
From dungeon cell,
His funeral knell,
Shall strike him with dismay !
And we'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
As up we string,
The faithless King,
In the old familiar way !
136 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
We'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
As we make an end of her false papa.
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah ! [Exeunt all.
Enter HILABION.
RECITATIVE. HILARION.
To-day we meet my baby bride and I
But, ah, niy hopes are balanced by my fears !
What transmutations have been conjured by
The silent alchemy of twenty years !
BALLAD. HILARION.
Ida was a twelvemonth old,
Twenty years ago !
I was twice her age, I'm told,
Twenty years ago !
Husband twice as old as wife
Argues ill for married life
Baleful prophecies were rife,
Twenty years ago !
Still, I was a tiny prince
Twenty years ago.
She has gained upon me, since
Twenty years ago.
Though she twenty-one, it's true,
I am barely twenty-two
False and foolish prophets you,
Twenty years ago !
Enter HILDEBRAND.
Hil. Well, father, is there news for me at last ?
Hild. King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
With no Princess !
Hil. Alas, my liege, I've heard
That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
And, with a band of women, shut herself
Within a lonely country house, and there
Devotes herself to stern philosophies !
Hild. Then I should say the loss of such a wife
Is one to which a reasonable man
Would easily be reconciled.
Hil. Oh no!
Or I am not a reasonable man.
She is my wife has been for twenty years !
(Looking through glass.) I think I see her now.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 137
Ha ! let me look !
Eil. In my mind's eye, I mean a blushing bride,
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow !
How exquisite she looked, as she was borne,
-Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms ;
How the bride wept nor would be comforted
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce,
Administered refreshment in the vestry.
And I remember feeling much annoyed
That she should weep at marrying with me.
But then I thought, " These brides are all alike.
You cry at marrying me ? How much more cause
You'd have to cry if it were broken off ! "
These were my thoughts ; I kept them to myself,
For at that age I had not learnt to speak.
Enter Courtiers, with CYRIL and FLORIAN.
Chorus. From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama.
Who, to-day, should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter
Ida is her name !
Enter ABAC, GURON and SCYNTHIUS.
SONG. ARAC.
We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama, Hex,
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
Arac. Politics we bar,
They are not our bent ;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
All Three. No, no,
Not intelligent.
Arac. But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part
Fighting is our trade.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
All Three. Bold, and fierce, and strong, ha ! ha !
For a war we burn,
138 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
With its right or wrong, ha ! ha !
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha !
Order is obeyed,
We are men of might, ha ! ha !
Fighting is our trade.
Yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade, ha ! ha !
Fighting is our trade.
Chorus, j They are men of might, ha ! Im !
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha !
Order is obeyed, ha ! ha !
Fighting is their trade !
Enter KING GAM A.
SONG. GAMA.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am !
I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ;
I love my fellow-creatures I do all the good I can
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply,
And vanity I always do my best to mortify ;
A charitable action I can skilfully dissect ;
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect ;
I know everybody's income and what everybody earns ;
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns ;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
I'm sure I'm no ascetic ; I'm as pleasant as can be ;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
Oama. So this is Castle Hildebrand ? Well, well !
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand ;
She told me that your taste was exquisite,
Superb, unparalleled !
Hild. (gratified}. Oh, really, king !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 139
Gama. But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown !
Is this Hilarion ? Why, you've changed too
You were a singularly handsome child!
(To Florian.) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply
your trade,
Tell me some lies. How do you like your king ?
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
Now, that's not true ?
Flo. My lord, we love our king
His wise remarks are valued by his court
As precious stones.
Gama. And for the selfsame cause,
Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
Derive their value from their scarcity !
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once !
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.
This leg is crooked this foot is ill-designed
This shoulder wears a hump ! Come, out with it!
Look, here's my face 1 Now, am I not the worst
Of Nature's blunders ?
Cyril. Nature never errs.
To those who know the workings of your mind,
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
Appropriately bound.
Gama (enraged). Why, hark ye, sir,
How dare you bandy words with me?
^ Cyril. No need,
To bandy aught that appertains to you.
Gama (furiously). Do you permit this, king ?
Hild. We are in doubt
Whether to treat you as an honoured guest,
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word,
And breaks it.
Gama (quickly). If the casting vote's with me,
I give it for the former !
Hild. We shall see.
By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day ;
Why is she not with you ?
Gama. Answer me this ;
What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes ?
What name have you for such an one ?
140 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Hild. A snob.
Gama. Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity, and pluck.
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade,
These brilliant qualities before your eyes ?
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob !
Hild. (furiously}. Stop that tongue,
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it !
Gama. Bravo ! your king deprives me of my head,
That he and I may meet on equal terms !
Hild. Where is she now ?
Gama. In Castle Adamant,
One of my many country houses.
She rules a woman's University,
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.
Cyril. A hundred girls ! A hundred ecstasies !
Gama. But no mere girls, my good young gentleman ;
With all the college learning that you boast,
The youngest there will prove a match for you.
Cyril. With all my heart, if she's the prettiest !
( To Flo.) Fancy a hundred matches all alight !
That's if I strike them as I hope to do !
Gama. Despair your hope ; their hearts are dead to men.
He who desires to gain their favour must
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir,
And they light only on the knowledge box
So youv'e no chance !
Flo. Are there no males whatever in those walls ?
Gama. None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails
And they are driven (as males often are
In other large communities) by women.
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
She'll scarcely suffer Dr. Watt's hymns
And all the animals she owns are " hers " !
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn
Cyril. Ah, then they have male poultry ?
Gama. Not at all,
{Confidentially.} The Growing's done by an accomplished
hen!
DUET. GAMA AND HILDEBRAND.
Garnet. Perhaps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely
CASTLE ADAMANT. 141
Humbly beg and humbly sue
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely !
All. Humbly beg and humbly sue, etc.
Hitd. Go you, and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don't, we'll storm the lady,
Most politely, most politely !
(To Gama). You'll remain as hostage here ;
Should Hilarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely !
C He'll ^|
All. < I'll V remain as hostage here, etc.
[GAMA, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are marched
off in custody, HILDEBRAND following.
RECITATIVE. HILARION.
Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage ;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature has armed us for the war we wage !
TKIO. HILARION, CYRIL, AND FLORIAN.
Ilil. Expressive glances
Shall be our lances,
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We'll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy !
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet !
Oh, fragrant violet !
Oh, gentle heigho-let
(Or little sigh)
On sweet urbanity,
Though mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely !
Cyr When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We'll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc.
1 42 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Flo. We'll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
And little heeding
Their pretty pleading
Our love exceeding
We'll justify !
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc.
He-enter GAMA, ABAC, GUKON, and SCYNTHIUS heavily ironed.
RECITATIVE.
Gama. Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?
Hild. You must !
Gama. This seems unnecessarily severe !
Arac, Guron, and Scynthius. Hear, hear !
TRIO. ARAC, GUUON AND SCYNTHIUS.
For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell ;
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum-tum-tum
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom ! boom !
All. Boom ! boom ! boom ! boom !
Rum-ttimmy-tummy-tum !
Boom ! boom !
Hild. When Hilarion's bride
Has at length compiled
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle.
For the rum-tum-tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom ! boom !
All. Boom ! boom ! etc.
All. But till that time J JJj!Jj j here remain,
And bail -f they \ will not entertain,
CASTLE ADAMANT. 143
Should she ~| Qva J- mandate disobcj-,
Your li vcs the penalty will pay !
[GAM A, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS arc marched
ACT II.
Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the back of
the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle Ada?nant in
the distance. Girl graduates discovered seated at the feet
P/LADY PSYCHE.
CHORUS.
Towards the empyrean heights
Of every kind of lore,
We've taken several easy nights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess
We mutually impart.
SOLO. MELISSA.
Pray what authors should she read
Who in Classics would succeed ?
PSYCHE.
If you'd cross the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid's Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal :
These are worth attention, all ;
But, if you will be advised.
You will get them Bowdlerized !
CHORUS.
Yes, we'll do as we're advised,
We will get them Bowdlerized !
SOLO. SACHARISSA.
Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What's the thing that's known as Man ?
PSYCHE.
Man will swear, and Man will storm
Man is not at all good form
144 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Man is of no kind of use
Man's a donkey Man's a goose
Man is coarse, and Man is plain
Man is more or less insane
Man's a ribald Man's a rake,
Man is Nature's sole mistake !
CHORUS.
We'll a memorandum make
Man is Nature's sole mistake !
And thus to empyrean height
Of every kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess,
We mutually impart !
Enter LADY BLANCHE. All stand up demurely.
Bla. Attention, ladies, while I read to you
The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled !
All. Expelled!
Bla. Expelled, because although she knew
No man of any kind may pass our walls,
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here !
Sack, (crying). I meant no harm ; they're only men of
wood !
Bla. They're men with whom you give each other mate,
And that's enough ! The next is Chloe.
Chloe. Ah!
Bla. Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
When looking through her drawing-book, I found
A sketch of a perambulator !
All (horrified). Oh !
Bla. Double perambulator, shameless girl !
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray !
Your Principal the Princess comes to give
Her usual inaugural address
To those young ladies who joined yesterday.
Enter the PRINCESS.
CHORUS.
Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
CASTLE ADAMANT. MS
We are blind, and we would see ;
We are bound, and would be free ;
We are dumb, and we would talk ;
We are lame, and we would walk.
Mighty maiden with a mission
Paragon of common sense ;
Running fount of erudition
Miracle of eloquence !
Prin. (Recit.) Minerva ! hear me :
ARIA.
At this my call
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall.
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light,
Endow with sight
Their unillumined eyes.
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine !
Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes
Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
Attend, while I unfold a parable.
The elephant is mightier than Man,
Yet Man subdues him. Why ? The elephant
Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her forehead}.
And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's,
As Woman's brain to Man's (that's rule of three)
Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
In Mathematics, Woman leads the way
The narrow-minded pedant still believes
That two and two make four ! Why we can prove,
We women household drudges as we are
That two and two make five or three or seven ;
Or five and twenty, if the case demands !
Diplomacy ? The wiliest diplomate
Is absolutely helpless in our hands,
He wheedles monarchs woman wheedles him !
Logic ? Why, tyrant Man himself admits
It's waste of time to argue with a woman !
Then we excel in social qualities :
Though Man professes that he holds our sex
In utter scorn, I venture to believe
He'd rather spend the day with one of you,
Than with five hundred of his fellow-men !
III. L
146 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
In all things we excel. Believing this,
A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,
We'll treat him better than he treated us :
But if we fail, why then let hope fail too !
Let no one care a penny how she looks
Let red be worn with yellow blue with green
Crimson with scarlet violet with blue !
Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves,
At inconvenient moments come undone !
Let hair-pins lose their virtue : let the hook
Disdain the fascination of the eye
The bashful button modestly evade
The soft embraces of the button-hole !
Let old associations all dissolve,
Let Swan secede from Edgar Gask from Gask,
Sewell from Cross Lewis from Allenby !
In other words let Chaos come again !
{Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day ?
Bla. I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
There I propose considering, at length,
Three points The Is, the Might Be, and the Must :
Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
Is more important than the vague Might Be,
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
Is for that reason greater than the Is :
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
Compared with the inevitable Must !
Prin. The subject's deep how do you treat it, pray ?
Bla. Madam, I take three possibilities,
And strike a balance, then, between the three !
As thus : The Princess Ida Is our head,
The Lady Psyche Might Be Lady Blanche,
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
Given these three hypotheses to find
The actual betting against each of them !
Prin. Your theme's ambitious : pray you bear in mind
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well,
You and your pupils ! Maidens, follow me.
[Exeunt PRINCESS and Maidens, singing refrain of
chorus, " And thus to empyrean heights" etc.
Manet LADY BLANCHE.
Bla. I should command here I was born to rule.
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know.
I shall some day. Not yet. I bide my time.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 147
I once was Sonic One and the Was Will Be.
The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
The Past repeats itself, and so is Future !
This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.
SONG. LADY BLANCHE.
Come mighty Must !
Inevitable Shall !
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal !
Go, mocking Is !
Go, disappointing Was !
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause !
Yet humble second shall be first,
I ween ;
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been !
Oh, weak Might Be !
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should !
How powerless ye
For evil or for good !
In every sense
Your moods I cheerless call,
Whate'er your tense
Ye are Imperfect, all !
Ye have deceived the trust that I've shown
In ye !
Away ! The Mighty Must alone
Shall be !
{Exit LADY BLANCHE.
Enter HILARION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN, climbing over ivall, and
creeping cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of
the stage.
TRIO. HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAN.
Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are !
In this college
Useful knowledge
Everywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We've enlarged our minds.
148 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Cyr. We've learnt that prickly cactus
Has the power to attract us
When we fall..
All. When we fall !
Hil. That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles,
Short or tall.
All. Short or tall !
Flor, ' That bull-dogs feed on throttles
That we don't like broken bottles
On a wall.
All. On a wall !
Hil, That spring-guns breathe defiance !
And that burglary's a science
After all.
All. After all !
RECITATIVE. FLORIAN.
A Woman's college ! maddest folly going !
W T hat can girls learn within its walls worth knowing ?
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
I'll teach them twice as much in half an hour outside it.
HILARION.
Hush, scoffer ; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder !
They intend to send a wire
To the moon to the moon ;
And they'll set the Thames on fire
Very soon very soon ;
Then they learn to make silk purses
With their rigs with their rigs
From the ears of Lady Circe's
Piggy-wigs pi ggy-wigs.
And weazels at their slumbers
They trepan they trepan ;
To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They've a plan they've a plan.
They've a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can if they can.
These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.
All. These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 149
Cyr. As for fashion, they forswear it,
So they say so they say
And the circle they will square it
Some fine day some fine day
Then the little pigs they're teaching
For to fly for to fly ;
And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
By-and-by by-and-by !
Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan to the clan
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man known as Man
They mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him,
And they're "going to do without him "
If they can if they can !
These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.
All. These are the phenomena, etc.
Hil. So that's the Princess Ida's castle ! Well,
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
Such walls as those to keep intruders off!
Cyr. To keep men off is only half their charge,
And that the easier half. I much suspect
The object of these walls is not so much
To keep men off as keep the maidens in !
Flo. But what are these ?
[Examining some collegiate robes.
Hil. (looking at them). Why, Academic robes,
Worn by the lady undergraduates,
When they matriculate. Let's try them on. [They do so.
Why, see we're covered to the very toes.
Three lovely lady undergraduates
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing
Flo. And penitent for deeds there's no undoing
Cyr. Looked at askance by well-conducted maids
Ail. Seek sanctuary in these classic shades !
TRIO. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FL.ORIAN.
Hil. I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with a face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately ?
Every heart I meet is mine !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
150 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance.
Cyr. 1 am a maiden frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery ;
Merriment lurks in every dimple,
Nobody breaks more hearts than I !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance.
Flo. I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid I as a startled hind ;
Every suitor sets me flushing :
I am the maid that wins mankind !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me !
Enter the PRINCESS, reading. She does not see them.
Flo. But who comes here? The Princess, as I live !
What shall we do ?
EH. (aside). Why, we must brave it out !
{Aloud}. Madam, accept our humblest reverence.
[They low, then suddenly recollecting themselves,
curtsy.
Prin. (surprised). We greet you, ladies. What would
you with us ?
Nil. (aside). What shall I say ? (Aloud.) We are three
students, ma'am,
Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
Who wish to join this University.
[HILARION and FLORIAN curtsy again. CYRIL bows
extravagantly, then, being recalled to himself by
FLORIAN, curtsys.
Prin. If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.
Flo. To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.
Prin. You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find
No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line 'twixt rich and poor : you'll find no tufts
To mark nobility, except such tufts
As indicate nobility of brain.
As for your fellow-students, mark me well :
CASTLE ADAMANT. 151
There are a hundred maids within these walls,
All good, all learned, and all heautiful :
They are prepared to love you : will you swear
To give the fulness of your love to them ?
Hil. Upon our words and honours, ma'am, we will !
Prin. But we go further : will you undertake
That you will never marry any man ?
Flo. Indeed we never will !
Prin. Consider well,
You must prefer our maids to all mankind !
Hil. To all mankind we much prefer your maids !
Cyr. We should be dolts indeed, if we did not,
Seeing how fair
Hil. (aside to CYRIL). Take care that's rather strong !
Prin. But have you left no lovers at your home
Who may pursue you here ?
Hil. No, madam, none.
We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
And we have never fished for lover's love.
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
False hair, and meretricious ornament,
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
But do not imitate them. What we have
Of- hair, is all our own. Our colour, too,
Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
To reckon Nature an impertinence.
Prin. Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls ;
If all you say is true, you'll spend with us
A happy, happy time !
Cyr. If, as you say,
A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
I think there's very little doubt we shall !
QUARTETTE. PRINCESS, HILARION, CYRIL, FLOKIAN.
Prin. The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue.
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
Hil, The world is everything you say,
The world we think has had its day,
Its merriment is slow,
152 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Alas!
We've tried it, and we know,
Alas!
We've tried it and we know.
TUTTI.
PRINCESS. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FLORIAN.
The world is but a broken toy, The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasures hollow false its joy, We freely give it up with joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue. Unreal its loveliest hue.
Alas ! Alas !
Its pains alone are true, We quite agree with you,
Alas ! Alas !
Its pains alone are true ! We quite agree with you !
[Exit PRINCESS. The three Gentlemen ivatch her off.
LADY PSYCHE enters, and regards them with amazement.
Eil. I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen !
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
And maids against our will we must remain !
[All laugh heartily.
Psy. (aside). These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.
[ Tlie Gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume
their modest demeanour.
Flo. (aside.) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion !
This is my sister ! She'll remember me,
Though years have passed since she and I have met !
Hil. (aside to FLORIAN). Then make a virtue of necessity,
And trust our secret to her gentle care.
Flor. (to PSYCHE, who has watched CYRIL in amazement).
Psyche.
Why, don't you know me ? Florian !
Psy. (amazed). Why, Florian !
Flor. My sister ! (Embraces her.)
Psy. Oh, my dear !
What are you doing here and who are these ?
Eil. I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian a
And Cyril, come to see me safely through.
Psy. The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange !
My earliest playfellows !
Eil. Why, let me look !
Are you that learned little Psyche who
At school alarmed her mates because she called
A buttercup " ranunculus bulbosus ? "
CASTLE ADAMANT. 153
Cyr. Are you indeed that Lady Psyche who
At children's parties drove the conjuror wild,
Explaining all his tricks before he did them ?
Hil. Are you that learned little Psyche, who
At dinner parties, brought into dessert,
Would tackle visitors with " You don't know
Who first determined longitude I do
Hipparchus 'twas B.C. one sixty-three ! "
Are you indeed that small phenomenon ?
Psy. That small phenomenon indeed am I !
But, gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here :
We have all promised to renounce mankind !
Flo. Kenounce mankind ? On what ground do you base
This senseless resolution ?
Psy. Senseless ? No.
We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.
Cyr. That's rather strong.
The truth is always strong.
SONG. LADY PSYCHE.
The Ape and the Lady.
A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one
So it would not do
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Expressed such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.
With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail,
He grew moustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club-
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess's,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen !
He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots
And to start in life on a bran new plan,
He christened himself Darwinian Man !
154 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved.
Was a radiant Being,
With a brain far-seeing
While a Man, however well-behaved,
At best is only a monkey shaved !
During this MELISSA has entered unobserved : she looks on in
amazement.
Mel, (coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche !
Psy. (terrified). What ! you heard us then ?
Oh, all is lost !
Mel. Not so ! I'll breathe no word !
[Advancing in astonishment to FLORIAN.
How marvellously strange ! and are you then
Indeed young men ?
Flo. Well, yes, just now we are
But hope by dint of study to become,
In course of time, young women.
Mel. (eagerly). No, no, no
Oh, don't do that ! Is this indeed a man ?
I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,
Never set eyes on one. They told me men
Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed !
They're quite as beautiful as women are !
As beautiful, they're infinitely more so !
Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which
One gets so weary of in womankind :
Their features are more marked and oh, their china !
How curious ! [Feeling his chin.
Flo. I fear it's rather rough.
Mel. (eagerly). Oh, don't apologize I like it so !
QUINTETTE. PSYCHE, MELISSA, HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAX.
Psy. The woman of the wisest wit
May sometimes be mistaken, !
In Ida's views, I must admit,
~^ ^, My faith is somewhat shaken, !
Cyr. On every other point than this,
Her learning is unshaken, O !
But Man's a theme with which she is
Entirely unacquainted, O !
acquainted, O !
acquainted, !
Entirely unacquainted, I
CASTLE ADAMANT. 155
All. Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found the truth is found !
Set bells a-ringing through the air
Ring here and there and everywhere
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found the truth is found ! [Dance.
Mel. My natural instinct teaches me
(And instinct is important, O !)
You're everything you ought to be,
And nothing that you oughtn't, !
Hit. That fact was seen at once by you
In casual conversation, O !
Which is most creditable to
Your powers of observation, O !
servation, O !
servation, O !
Your powers of observation, O !
All. Then jump for joy, etc.
[Exeunt PSYCHE, HILAKION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN.
MELISSA going.
Enter LADY BLANCHE.
Bla. Melissa !
Mel. (returning). Mother!
Bla. Here a word with you.
Those are the three new students ?
Mel. (confused}. Yes, they are.
They're charming girls.
Bla. Particularly so.
So graceful, and so very womanly !
So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments !
Mel. (confused}. Yes very skilled.
Bla. They sing so nicely too !
Mel. They do sing nicely !
Bla. Humph ! It's very odd.
One is a tenor, two are baritones !
Mel. (much agitated). They've all got colds !
Bla. Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind ?
These " girls " are men disguised !
Mel. Oh no indeed !
You wrong these gentlemen I mean why see,
Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an etui),
Containing scissors, needles, and
Bla. (opening it.) Cigars !
Why these are men ! And you knew this, you minx.
156 PRINCESS IDA : OR,
Mel. Oh, spare them they are gentlemen indeed.
The Prince Hilarion (married years ago
To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends !
Consider, mother, he's her husband now,
And has been, twenty years ! Consider too,
You're only second here you should be first.
Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains
The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.
You will design the fashions think of that
And always serve out all the punishments !
The scheme is harmless, mother wink at it !
Bla. (aside). The prospect's tempting ! Well, well,
well, I'll try-
Though I've not winked at anything for years !
'Tis but one step towards my destiny
The mighty Must ! the inevitable Shall !
DUET. MELISSA and LADY BLANCHE.
Mel. Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast,
And guide this University ?
Bla. I must agree
'Twould pleasant be.
(Sing hey a Proper Pride !)
Mel. And wouldn't you like to clear the coast
Of malice and perversity ?
Bla. Without a doubt
I'll bundle 'em out,
Sing hey, when I preside !
Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some !
Marry come up, and < ^ > day will come !
Sing Proper Pride
Is the horse to ride,
And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O !
Bla. For years I've writhed beneath her sneers,
Although a born Plantagenet !
Mel. You're much too meek,
Or you would speak.
(Sing hey, I'll say no more !)
Bla. Her elder I, by several years,
Although you'd never imagine it.
Mel. Sing, so I've heard
But never a word
Have I ever believed before !
Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some !
Marry come up, -| j 1 ^ > day will come !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 157
Sing, she shall learn
That a worm will turn.
Sing, Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, 0.!
[Exit LADY BLANCHE.
Mel. Saved for a time, at least !
Enter FLORIAN, on tiptoe.
Flo. (whispering). Melissa come!
Mel. Oh, sir ! you must away from this at once
My mother guessed your sex ! It was my fault
I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,
" Can these be men ? " Then, seeing this, " Why
these "
" Are men," she would have added, but " are men "
Stuck in her throat ! She keeps your secret, sir,
For reasons of her own but, fly from this
And take me with you that is no not that !
Flo. I'll go, but not without you ! (Bell} Why, what's
that?
Mel. The luncheon bell.
Flo. I'll wait for luncheon then !
Enter HILARION with PRINCESS, CYRIL with PSYCHE, LADY
BLANCHE and Ladies. Also " Daughters of the Plough "
bearing luncheon, which they spread on the rocks.
CHORUS.
Merrily ring the luncheon bell !
Here in meadow of asphodel,
Feast we body and mind as well,
So merrily ring the luncheon bell !
SOLO. BLANCHE.
Hunger, I beg to state,
Is highly indelicate,
This is a fact profoundly true
So learn your appetites to subdue.
All. Yes, yes,
"We'll learn our appetites to subdue !
SOLO. CYRIL, (eating).
Madam, your words so wise,
Nobody should despise,
Cursed with an appetite keen I am
And I'll subdue it
And I'll subdue it
And I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb !
158 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
All. Yes, yes
We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb !
Chorus. Merrily ring, etc.
Prin. You say you know the court of Hildebrand ?
There is a Prince there I forget his name
Nil Hilarion?
Prin. Exactly is he well ?
Hil. If it be well to droop and pine and mope,
To sigh " Oh, Ida ! Ida ! " all day long,
" Ida ! my love ! my life ! Oh come to me ! "
If it be well, I say, to do all this,
Then Prince Hilarion is very well.
Prin. He breathes our name? Well, it's a common
one !
And is the booby comely ?
Hil. Pretty well.
I've heard it said that if I dressed myself
In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this
Consisted with my maiden modesty),
I might be taken for Hilarion's self.
But what is this to you or me, who think
Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?
Prin. Contempt ? Why, damsel, when I think of man,
Contempt is not the word.
Cyr. (getting tipsy). I'm sure of that,
Or if it is, it surely should not be !
Eil. (aside to CYRIL). Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find
us out.
Cyr* The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad !
Prin. You know him then ?
Cyr. (tipsily). I rather think I do !
We are inseparables !
Prin. Why, what's this ?
You love him, then ?
Cyr. We do indeed all three !
Hil Madam, she jests ! (Aside to CYRIL.) Remember
where you are !
Cyr. Jests ? Not at all ! Why, bless my heart alive,
You and Hilarion, when at the Court,
Rode the same horse !
Prin. (horrified). Astride ?
Cyr. Of course ! Why not ?
Wore the same clothes and once or twice, I think,
Got tipsy in the same good company !
Prin. Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word I
CASTLE ADAMANT. 159
Cyr. (tipsy). Don't you remember that old kissing-song
He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage,
The hostess of the Pigeons ? Thus it ran :
SONG. CYRIL.
[During symphony HILARION and FLOUIAN try to stop
CYRIL. He shakes them off angrily.
Would you know the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a ?
Eyes must be downcast and staid,
Cheeks must flush for shame-a !
She may neither dance nor sing,
But, demure in everj^thing,
Hang her head in modest way,
With pouting lips that seem to say
" Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a,"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a !
When a maid is bold and gay
With a tongue goes clang-a,
Flaunting it in brave array,
Maiden may go hang-a !
Sunflower gay and hollyhock
Never shall my garden stock ;
Mine the blushing rose of May, .
With pouting lips that seem to say,
"Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die for shame-a ! "
Please you that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a !
Prin. Infamous creature, get you hence away !
[HILARION, who has been with difficulty restrained
by FLOEIAN during this song, breaks from him
and strikes CYRIL furiously on the breast.
Nil. Dog ! there is something more to sing about !
Cyr. (sobered). Hilarion, are you mad ?
Prin. (horrified). Hilarion? Help!
Why these are men ! Lost ! lost ! betrayed ! undone 1
[Running on to bridge.
Girls, get you hence ! Man-monsters, if you dare
Approach one step, I Ah !
[.Loses her balance, and falls into the stream.
Psy. Oh ! save her, sir !
Bla. It's useless, sir you'll only catch your death !
[HILARION springs in.
Sach. He catches her !
Mel. And now he lets her go!
160 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Again she's in his grasp
Psy. And now she's not.
He seizes her back hair !
Bla. (not looking'). And it comes off !
Psy. No, no ! She's saved ! she's saved ! she's saved !
she's saved !
[HILARION is seen swimming with PRINCESS in one
arm. The PRINCESS and he are brought to land.
FINALE.
CHORUS OF LADIES.
Oh ! joy, our chief is saved,
And by Hilarion's hand ;
The torrent fierce he braved,
And brought her safe to land !
For his intrusion we must own
This doughty deed may well atone ;
lrin. Stand forth ye three,
Whoe'er ye be,
And hearken to our stern decree ;
Hil., Cyr., and Ho. Have mercy, lady disregard your oaths !
Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes !
The man whose sacrilegious eyes
Invade our strict seclusion, dies.
"Arrest these coarse intruding spies !
[They are arrested l>y the " Daughters of the Plough."
Flo., Cyr., and Ladies. Have mercy lady disregard your oaths !
Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes.
[CYRIL and FLORIAN are bound.
SONG. HILARION.
Whom thou hast chained must wear his chain,
Thou canst not set him free,
He wrestles with his bonds in vain
Who lives by loving thee !
If heart of stone for heart of fire,
Be all thou hast to give,
If dead to me my heart's desire,
Why should I wish to live ?
No word of thine no stern command
Can teach my heart to rove,
Then rather perish by thy hand,
Than live without thy love !
A loveless life apart from thee
Were hopeless slaver}-,
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear to die ?
[_He is bound by two of the attendants, and the three
Gentlemen are marched off.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 161
Enter MELISSA.
Mel. Madam, without the castle walls
An armed band
Demand admittance to our halls
For Hildebrand !
All. Oh, horror !
Prin. Deny them ;
We will defy them !
All. Too late too late !
The castle gate
Is battered by them !
[The gate yields. HILDEBRAND and Soldiers rush in.
ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are with them, but
with their hands handcuffed.
All (Soldiers and Ladles). Too late too late,
The castle gate
Is battered by them !
ENSEMBLE.
GIULS. MEX.
Rend the air with wailing, Walls and fences scaling,
Shed the shameful tear ! Promptly we appear ;
Walls are unavailing, Walls are unavailing,
Man has entered here ! We have entered here.
Shame and desecration Female execration
Are his staunch allies, Stifle if you're wise,
Let your lamentation Stop your lamentation,
Echo to the skies ! Dry your pretty eyes !
RECITATIVE.
Piin. Audacious tyrant, do you dare
To beard a maiden in her lair ?
King. Since you inquire,
We've no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !
Sol. No, no we've no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !
SOLO. HlLDEDUAND.
Some years ago,
No doubt you know
(And if you don't I'll tell you so),
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Ililarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break,
(If you think you may, it's a great mistake,)
nr. M
1 62 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
For a bride's a bride
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one !
And I'm a peppery kind of King,
Who's indisposed for parleying
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that's the long and the short of it !
All. For he's a peppery kind of King, etc.
If you decide
To pocket your pride,
And let Hilarion claim his bride,
Why, well and good,
It's understood
We'll let bygones go by-
But if you choose
To sulk in the blues,
I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.
I'll storm your walls,
And level your halls,
In the twinkling of an eye !
For I'm a peppery Potentate,
Who's little inclined his claim to bate.
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that's the long and the short of it.
TRIO. AKAC, GURON, AND SCYNTHIUS.
We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That, if you thwart this gentleman,
He'll slay us.
We don't fear death, of course we're taught
To shame it ;
But still upon the whole we thought
We'd name it,
(2o each other}. Yes, yes, better perhaps to name it.
Our interests we would not press
With chatter,
Three hulking brothers more or less
Don't matter ;
If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan,
Pooh-pooh it,
But when he says he'll hang a man,
He'll do it.
(To each other). Yes, yes, devil doubt he'll do it.
Priii. (Recit.). Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind.
His menaces are idle as the wind.
He dares not kill you vengeance lurks behind !
Ar., Our,, Scyn. We rather think he dares, but never mind ;
No, no, never, never mind
King. Enough of parley as a special boon
Vie give you till to-morrow afternoon !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 163
Kelease Hilarion, then, and be his bride,
Or you'll incur the guilt of fraticide !
ENSEMBLE.
PRINCESS. THE OTHERS.
To yield at once to such a foe Oh ! yield at once, 'twere better so
With shame were rife ; Than risk a strife !
So quick ; away with him, al- And let the Prince Hilarion go^
though He saved thy life !
He saved my life ! Hilarion's fair, and strong, and
That he is fair, and strong, and tall
tall, A worse misfortune might befal
Is very evident to all, It's not so dreadful, after all,
Yet I will die before I call To be his wife !
Myself his wife !
SOLO. PRINCESS.
Though I am but a girl,
Defiance thus I hurl,
Our banners all
On outer wall
We fearlessly unfurl.
All. Though she is but a girl, etc.
PRINCESS. THE OTHERS.
That he is fair, etc. Hilarion's fair, etc.
PRINCESS stands, surrounded by the Girls kneeling.
The KING and Soldiers stand on built rocks at lack
and sides of stage. Picture.
CURTAIN.
ACT III.
SCENE. Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant.
MELISSA, SACHARISSA, and Ladies discovered, armed with
battle-axes.
CHORUS.
Death to the invader !
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe !
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low !
164 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
SOLO. MELISSA.
Thus our courage, .all untarnished
We're instructed to display :
But, to tell the truth unvarnished,
We are more inclined to say,
" Please you, do not hurt us."
All. " Do not hurt us, if it please 3*011 ! "
Mel. '* Please you let us be."
All. "Let us be let us be ! "
Mel. " Soldiers disconcert us."
All. " Disconcert us, if it please you ! "
Mel. " Frightened maids are we."
All. " Maids are we maids are we ! "
MELISSA.
But 'twould be an error
To confess our terror,
So, in Ida's name,
Boldly we exclaim :
CHORUS.
Death to the invader
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low !
flourish. Enter PRINCESS, armed, attended by BLANCHE and
PSYCHE.
Prin. I like your spirit, girls ! We have to meet
Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day :
Wear naught but what is necessary to
Preserve your dignity before their eyes,
And give your limbs full play.
Ula. One moment, ma'am.
Here is a paradox we should not pass
Without inquiry. We are prone to say
" This thing is Needful that, Superfluous "
Yet they invariably co-exist !
We find the Needful comprehended in
The circle of the grand Superfluous,
Yet the Superfluous cannot be bought
Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful.
These singular considerations are
Prin. Superfluous, yet not Needful so you see
CASTLE ADAMANT. 165
The terms may independently exist.
( To Ladies.) Women of Adamant, we have to show
That Woman, educated to the task,
Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground,
And beat him there. Now let us set to work ;
Where is our lady surgeon ?
Sac. Madam, here!
Prin. We shall require your skill to heal the wounds
Of those that fall.
Sac. (alarmed). What, heal the wounded ?
Prin. Yes !
Sac. And cut off real live legs and arms ?
Prin. Of course !
Sac. I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds !
Prin. Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl?
You've often cut them off in theory !
Sac. In theory I'll cut them off again,
With pleasure, and as often as you like,
But not in practice.
Prin. Coward ! get you hence,
I've craft enough for that, and courage too ;
I'll do your work. My fusiliers, advance !
Why, you are armed with axes ! Gilded toys !
Where are your rifles, pray ?
Chloe. Why, please you, ma'am,
We left them in the armoury, for fear
That in the heat and turmoil of the fight
They might go off !
Prin. " " They might ! " Oh, craven souls !
Go off yourselves ! Thank Heaven, I have a heart
That quails not at the thought of meeting men ;
/will discharge your rifles! Off with you !
Where's my bandmistress ?
Ada. Please you, ma'am, the band
Do not feel well, and can't come out to-day !
Prin. Why, this is flat rebellion ! I've no time
To talk to them just now. But, happily,
I can play several instruments at once,
And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall
With trumpet music, such as soldiers love !
How stand we with respect to gunpowder ?
My Lady Psyche you who superintend
Our lab'ratory are you well prepared
To blow these bearded rascals into shreds ?
Psy. Why, madam
1 66 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Prin. Well ?
Psy. Let us try gentler means.
We can dispense with fulminating grains
While we have eyes with which to flash our rage !
We can dispense with villainous saltpetre
While we have tongues with which to blow them up !
We can dispense, in short, with all the arts
That brutalize the practical polemist !
Prin. (contemptuously*). I never knew a more dispensing
chemist !
Away, away I'll meet these men alone,
Since all my women have deserted me !
[Exeunt all but PRINCESS, singing refrain of " Death
to the Invader," pianissimo.
Pri. So fail my cherished plans so fails my faith
And with it hope, and all that comes of hope !
SOXG. PRINCESS.
I built upon a rock ;
But ere Destruction's hand
Dealt equal lot
To Court and cot,
My rock had turned to sand !
Ah, faithless rock,
My simple faith to mock !
I leant upon an oak ;
But in the hour of need,
Alack-a-day,
My trusted stay
Was but a bruised reed !
Ah, trait'rous oak,
Thy worthlessness to cloak !
I drew a sword of steel ;
But when to home and hearth
The battle's breath
Bore fire and death,
My sword was but a lath !
Ah, coward steel,
That fear can unanneal !
[She sinks on a bank
Enter CHLOE and all tJ/e Ladies.
Chloc. Madam, your father and your brothers claim
An audience !
Prin. What do they do here ?
Chloe. They come
To fight for you !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 167
Priii. Admit them !
Bla. Infamous !
One's brothers, ma'am, are men !
Prin. So I have heard ;
But all my women seem to fail me when
I need them most. In this emergency,
Even one's brothers may be turned to use.
Enter GAMA, quite pale and unnerved.
Gama. My daughter !
Prin. Father ! thou art free !
Gama. Ay, free !
Free as a tethered ass ! I come to thee
With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given,
1 must return to black captivity.
I'm free so far.
Prin. Your message.
Gama. Hildebrand
Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons,
My three brave sons, against these popinjays,
These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads,
And on the issue let thy hand depend !
Prin. Insult on insult's head ! Are we a stake
For fighting men ? What fiend possesses thee,
That thou hast come with offers such as these
From such as he to such an one as I ?
Gama. I am possessed
By the pale devil of a shaking heart !
My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face
That devilish monarch's black malignity !
He tortures me with torments worse than death,
I haven't anything to grumble at !
He finds out what particular meats I love,
And gives me them. The very choicest wines,
The costliest robes the richest rooms are mine :
He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan.
And gives strict orders none should contradict me !
He's made iny life a curse ! [Jl'ee^s.
Prin. My tortured father !
SONG. GAMA.
Whene'er I spoke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
1 68 PRINCESS IDA;
This people mild
Politely smiled,
And voted me delightful !
Now when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natured jokes devising,
And all his wiles
Are met with smiles,
It's hard, there's no disguising !
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at !
When German bands
From music stands
Played Wagner imper/ecfty
" I bade them go
They didn't say no,
But off they went directly !
The organ boys
They stopped their noise
With readiness surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retired apologizing !
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long, etc.
I offered gold
In sums untold
To all who'd contradict me
I said I'd pay
A pound a day
To any one who kicked me
I "bribed with toys
Great viilgar boys
To utter something spiteful,
But, bless you, no !
They would be so
Confoundedly politeful !
In short, these aggravating lads
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
They give me "this and they give me that,
And I've nothing whatever to grumble at !
[He bursts into tears, and falls sobbing on a lank.
Prin. My poor old father ! How he must have suffered !
Well, well, I yield !
Gama. (hysterically). She yields ! I'm saved, I'm saved !
Prin. Open the gates admit these warriors,
Then get you all within the castle walls.
[The gates are opened, and the Girls mount _ the
battlements as HILDEBRAND enters with Soldiers.
Aho ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 169
CHORUS OF SOLDIERS.
When anger spreads his wing,
And all seems dark as night for it,
There's nothing but to light for it,
But ere you pitch your ring,
Select a pretty site for it,
(This spot is suited quite for it),
And then you gaily sing,
" Oh, I love the jolly rattle
Of an ordeal by battle,
There's an end of tittle-tattle,
When your enemy is dead.
It's an arrant molley coddle,
Fears a crack upon the noddle,
And he's only fit to swaddle,
In a downy feather-bed !
All. For a fight's a kind of thing
That I love to look upon,
So let us sing.
Long live the King,
And his son Hilarion !
{During this, HILARION, FLORIAN, and CYRIL are
brought out by the " Daughters of the Plough."
They are still bound and wear the robes.
Gama. Hilarion ! Cyril ! Florian ! dressed as women !
Is this indeed Hilarion ?
Hil. Yes, it is !
G-ama. Why, you look handsome in your women's
clothes !
Stick to 'em ! men's attire becomes you not !
( To CYRIL and FLORIAN.) And you, young ladies, will you
please to pray
King Hildebrand to set me free again ?
Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes,
Pie never could resist a pretty face !
Hil. You dog, you'll rind though I wear woman's garb,
My sword is long and sharp !
Gama. Hush, pretty one !
Here's a virago ! Here's a termagant !
If length and sharpness go for anything,
You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue !
Cyril. What need to waste your words on such as he V
He's old and crippled.
Gama. Ay, but I've three sons,
Fine fellows, young, and muscular, and brave,
1 70 PRINCESS IDA;
They're well worth talking to ! Come, what d'ye say ?
Arac. Ay, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us,
If three rude warriors affright you not !
Hil. Old as you are I'd wring your shrivelled neck
If you were not the Princess Ida's father.
Gama. If I were not the Princess Ida's father,
And so had not her brothers for my sons,
No doubt you'd wring my neck in safety too !
Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin !
Give them no quarter they will give you none.
You've this advantage over warriors
Who kill their country's enemies for pay
You know what you are fighting for look there !
[Pointing to Ladies on the battlements.
SONG. ARAC.
This helmet, I suppose,
Was meant to ward off blows.
It's very hot,
And weighs a lot,
As many a guardsman knows,
So-off that helmet goes.
Tlic Three Knights. Yes, yes,
So off that helmet goes !
[Giving their helmets to attendants.
Arac. This tight-fitting cuirass
Is but a useless mass,
It's made of steel,
And weighs a deal.
A man is but an ass
Who fights in a cuirass,
So off goes that cuirass.
All Three. Yes, yes,
So off goes that cuirass ! [Removing cuirasses.
Arac. These brassets, truth to tell,
May look uncommon well,
But in a fight
They're much to tight,
They're like a lobster shell !
All Three. Yes, yes,
They're like a lobster shell.
[Removing their brassets.
Arac. These things I treat the same, [Indicating leg pieces.
(I quite forget their name)
They turn one's legs
To cribbage pegs
CASTLE ADAMANT. \1\
Their aid I thus disclaim,
Though I forgot their name.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Though we forget their name,
Their aid we thus disclaim !
[They remove their leg pieces and wear close fitting
shape suits.
[Desperate fight between the three Princes and the
three Knights during which the Ladies on the
battlements and the Soldiers on the stage sing
the following chorus
This is our duty plain towards
Our Princess all immaculate
We ought to bless her brothers' swords
And piously ejaculate :
Oh, Hungary !
Oh, Hungary !
Oh, doughty sons of Hungary !
May all success
Attend and bless
Your warlike ironmongery !
[By this time, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS arc
on the ground, wounded HILARION, CYRIL
and FLORIAN stand over them.
Prin. (entering through gate and followed l>y Ladies.}
Hold ! stay your hands ! we yield ourselves to you !
Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there !
Bind up their wounds but look the other way.
(Coming down.} Is this the end? (Bitterly to LADY
BLANCHE.) How say you, Lady Blanche-
Can I with dignity my post resign ?
And if I do, will you then take my place ?
Bla. To answer this, it's meet that we consult
The great Potential Mysteries ; I mean
The five Subjunctive Possibilities
The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should.
Can you resign? The prince May claim you; if
He Might, you Could and if you Should, I Would!
Prin. I thought as much ! Then, to my Fate I yield--
So ends my cherished scheme ! Oh, I had hoped
To band all women with my maiden throng,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man !
Hild. A noble aim !
Prin. You ridicule it now ;
But if I carried out this glorious scheme,
172 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
At my exalted name Posterity
Would bow in gratitude !
Hild. But pray reflect
If you enlist all women in your cause,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man,
The obvious question then arises, " How
Is this Posterity to be provided? "
Prin. I never thought of that ! My Lady Blanche,
How do you solve the riddle?
Bla. Don't ask me
Abstract Philosophy won't answer it.
Take him he is your Shall. Give in to Fate !
Prin. And you desert me. I alone am staunch !
Hild. Madam, you placed your trust in Woman well,
Woman has failed you utterly try Man,
Give him one chance, it's only fair besides,
Women are far too precious, too divine
To try unproven theories upon.
Experiments, the proverb says, are made
On humble subjects try our grosser clay,
And mould it as you will !
Cyr. Remember, too,
Dear Madam, if at any time you feel,
A-weary of the Prince, you can return
To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls
As heretofore, you know.
Prin. And shall I find
The Lady Psyche here ?
Psy. If Cyril, ma'am,
Does not behave himself, I think you will.
Prin. And you, Melissa, shall I find you here?
Mel. Madam, however Florian turns out,
Unhesitatingly I answer, No !
Gama. Consider this, my love, if your mamma
Had looked on matters from your point of view
(I wish she had), why where would you have been ?
Bla. There's an unbounded field of speculation,
On which I could discourse for hours !
Prin. No doubt !
We will not trouble you. Hilarion,
I have been wrong I see my error now.
Take me, Hilarion " We will walk the world
Yoked in all exercise of noble end !
And so through those dark gates across the wild
That no man knows ! Indeed, I love thee Come ! "
CASTLE ADAMANT. 173
FINALE.
Princess. With joy abiding,
Together gliding
Through life's variety
In sweet society,
And thus enthroning
The love I'm owning,
On this atoning
I will rely !
Chorus. It were profanity
For poor humanity
To treat as vanity
The sway of Love,
In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
Its sway above !
Ililarion. When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
Of tender quality
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers,
The happy hours
Will gaily fly !
Chor. It were profanity, etc.
CURTAIN.
THE MIKADO;
OK,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU.
VLV ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL JAPANESE
OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
Produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, on Saturday, March
1885, under the management of MR. R, D'OVLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
THE MIKADO OF JAPAN ...... MR. R. TEMPLE.
NANKi-Poo, his Son, disguised as a
wandering minstrel, and in love ivith
YUM- YUM ............ MR. DURWARD LELY.
Ko-Ko, Lord High Executioner of
Titipu ............... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
Pooir-BAir, Lord High E eery thing
Else ............... MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
Pisii-Tusir, a Noble Lord ...... MR. FREDERICK BOVILL.
YuM-YuM ") , i" Miss LEONORA BRAIIAM.
Three Sisters II ards of
PiTTi-SiNG > < Miss JESSIE BOND.
PEEP-BO ) ( Miss SYBIL GREY.
KATISHA, an elderly Lady, in lore with
............ Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM.
Chorus of School Girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies.
ACT I.
COURTYARD OF KO-KO'S OFFICIAL RESIDENCE.
ACT II.
KO-KO'S GARDEN.
THE MIKADO;
OR,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU.
ACT I.
SCENE. Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese
Nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested
by native drawings.
CHORUS.
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan :
On many a vase and jar
On man} r a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint :
Our attitudes queer and quaint
You're wrong if you think it ain't.
If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don't understand these things :
It is simply Court etiquette.
i j erhaps you suppose this throng
Can't keep it up all day long ?
If that's your idea, you're Av
Enter NANKI-POO in great excitement. He carries a native
guitar on his back, and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
RECITATIVE. XANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me,
Where a lovely maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko ?
In pitv pcak oh, speak, I pray you !
III. N
178 THE MIKADO ; OR,
A NMc. Why, who are you who ask this question ?
Nank. Come, gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG. NANKI-POO.
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs, and snatches,
A dreamy lullaby !
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song !
Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, willow, willow !
On maiden's coldness do you brood?
I'll do so too
Oh, willow, willow !
I'll charin your willing ears
With songs of lover's fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew
Oh, willow, willow !
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I've patriotic ballads cut and dried ;
For Avhere'er our country's banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied !
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail or they conceal it if they do
And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu !
And if you call for a song of the sea,
We'll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,
Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
Yeo-ho heave ho
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
To lay aloft in a howling breeze
May tickle a landsman's taste,
But the happiest hours a sailor sees
Is when he's down
At an inland town,
With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho !
And his arm around her waist !
Then man the capstan off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rumbelow.
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 179
Enter PiSH-Tusn.
Pish. And what may be your business with Yum- Yum?
Nank. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the
Titipu town baud. It was my duty to take the cap round for
contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw
Yum- Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was be-
trothed to her guardian, Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that
my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted
the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago,
that Ko-Ko had been condemned to death for flirting ! I
hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at
liberty to listen to my protestations.
Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death fur
flirting ; but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to
the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following
remarkable circumstances :
SONG. PisH-Tusir.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered, or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be !
Chorus. And I expect, etc.
This stern decree, you'll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land ;
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die-
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct !
Chorus. And you'll allow, as I expect, etc.
i8o THE MIKADO ; OA\
And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail.
Whose head was next,
On some pretext,
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
" Who's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head
Until he's cut his own off."
And AVC are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right too-looral-lay !
Chorus. And they were right, etc. [Exeunt CHORUS.
Enter POOH-BAH.
Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of
Titipu ! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain !
Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference
between the dignified judge, who condemns a criminal to die,
and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has
rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own
executioner.
Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are a noble-
man of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me,
a mere strolling minstrel !
Pooh. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly
haughty and exclusive person, of pre- Adamite ancestral descent.
You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my
ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule.
Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to over-
come this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all
the great officers of State resigned in a bod} 7 ", because they were
too proud to. serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly
accept all their posts at once ?
Pish. And the salaries attached to them ? You .did.
Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this
upstart as First Lord of the Treastiry, Lord Chief Justice,
Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buck-
hounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and
Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at
a salary ! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services ! I a salaried
minion ! But I do it ! It revolts mo, but I do it.
Nank, And it does you credit.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 181
Pooh. But I don't stop at that. I go and diue with middle-
class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban
parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands,
however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure.
For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would
come under the head of a State secret. (NANKi-Poo takes the
hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.') Another insult, and, I
think, a light one !
SONG. POOH-BAH.
Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do :
I'm sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner !
This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come
With beat of drum,
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Executioner !
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they'll cut a dash
On their wedding-day.
From what I say, you may infer
It's as good as a play for him and her,
She'll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner !
It's a hopeless case
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I'd flee ;
But don't blame me
I'm sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They'll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon
Her honeymoon,
With that buffoon,
At seven, commences, so you shun her !
All. The brass will crash, etc.
RECITATIVE.
And have I journeyed for a mouth, or nearly,
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom 1 love so dearly,
This dav to Ko-Ko.is to be united !
1 82 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Pooh. The fact appears to be as you've recited :
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station ;
He'll give you any further information.
Enter Ko-Ko, attended.
CHORUS.
Behold the Lord High Executioner !
A personage of noble rank and title
A dignified and potent officer,
"Whose functions are particularly vital.
Defer, defer,
To the noble Lord High Executioner !
SOLO. Ko-Ko.
Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances ;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances ;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances ;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS.
Behold the Lord High Executioner, etc.
Ko. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can
only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a con-
tinuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to
deserve. Gentlemen, I expect my three beautiful wards, Yum-
Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing, in a few minutes. If you will
kindly receive them with a show of abject deference, I shall feel
obliged to you. I know how painful it must be to noblemen
of your rank to have to humiliate yourselves before a person of
my antecedents, but discipline must be observed. (Chorus bow
and exeunt.) Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connec-
tion with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should
like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the
amount I ought to spend upon them.
Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First
Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General,
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
Pooh. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say
that, as the city w T ill have to pay for it, don't stint yourself,
do it well.
THE TOWN OF T2T1PU. 183
Ko. Exactly as the city will have to pay for it. That is
your advice.
Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand
that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that
due economy is observed.
Ko. Oh. But you said just now " Don't stint yourself, do
it well."
Pooh. As Private Secretary.
Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear
us. {They cross stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you
advise me to deal with this difficulty ?
Pooh. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in
saying, " Chance it "
Ko. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.
Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound
to see that the law isn't violated.
Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't
hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of
the Treasury ?
Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could pro-
pose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not
that, as leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist
it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook
the accounts, that as Lord High Auditor I should never discover
the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my
duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own
custody as First Commissioner of Police.
Ko. That's extremely awkward.
Pooh. I don't say that all these people couldn't be squared ;
but it is right to tell you that I shouldn't be sufficiently degraded
in my own estimation unless I was insulted with a very con-
siderable bribe.
Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But
my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment
on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese
attitude, would be esteemed a favour.
Enter procession of YUM-YUM'S schoolfellows, heralding
YUM- YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING.
CHORUS.
Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be !
1 84 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Is it but a world of trouble
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long ?
Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade ?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder how we wonder !
What on earth the world can be !
TP.IO. YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AXD Pixn-SiXG.
The Three. Three little maids from .school are we,
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school !
Yu/tt-Yum. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle).
Peep-Bo. Nobody's safe, for we care for none ! (Chuckle),
Pitti-Sing. Life is a joke that's just begun ! (Chuckle).
The Three. Three little maids from school !
All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
The Three (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school !
Yum- Yum. One little maid is a bride, Yum- Yum
Peep-Bo. Two little maids in attendance come
Pitti-Sing. Three little maids is the total sum.
The Three. Three little maids from school !
Yum- Yum. From three little maids take one away
Peep-Bo. Two little maids remain, and they
Pitti-Sing. Won't have to wait very long, they say
The Three. Three little maids from school !
All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary.
Freed from its genius tutelary
27ie TJiree (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school !
Ko. At last, my bride that is to be ! {About to embrace her.}
Yum. You're not going to kiss me before all these people ?
Ko. Weil, that was the idea.
Yum. (aside to PEEP-BO). It seems odd, don't it?
Peep. It's rather peculiar.
Pitti. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning,
you know.
Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things;
but I've no objection if it's usual.
THE TOWh OF T1TIPL. 185
Ko. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?
(Appealing to POOH-BAH.)
Pooh. I have known it done. (Ko-KO embraces her.)
Yum. That's over ! (Sees NANKI-POO, and rushes to him).
Why, that's never you? The Three Girls rush to him and
shake his hands, all speaking at once.)
Yum. Oh, I'm so glad ! I haven't seen you for ever so
long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got
three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going
back any more !
Peep. And have you got an engagement? Yum-Yum's got
/ one, but she don't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it
was you. I've come home for good, and I'm not going back
any more !
Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about
everywhere, and we've been at school ; but, thank goodness,
that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're
not going back any more !
[_These three speeches are spoken together in one "breath.
Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me ?
Yum. ( Oh, this is the musician who used
Peep. I Oh, this is the gentleman who used
Pitti. ( Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used
Ko. One at a time, if you please.
Yum. He's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on
the on the
Pitti. On the Marine Parade.
Yttm. Yes, I think that was the name of the instru-
ment.
Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-
Yum oh, I know I deserve your auger !
Ko. Auger! Not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself.
Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking
little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed
by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye,
(To Pisn-TusH.) Take him away. (PiSH-Tusn removes him.)
Pitti. (who has been examining POOH-BAH). I beg your
pardon, but what is this ? Customer come to try on ?
Ko. That is a Tremendous Swell. (She starts lack in alarm.)
Pooh. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like
you. Go away, there's dears.
Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my
three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
Pooh. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I u<ill
not kis.s them.
iS6 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Ko. No, no, you shan't kiss them : a little bow a mere
nothing you needn't mean it, you know.
Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies,
they are young persons.
Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good noble-
man.
Pooh (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. ( With a great
effort.) How de do, How de do, little girls ! (Aside.) Oh, my
protoplasmal ancestor !
Ko. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.)
Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to
have to say " How de do, How de do, little girls," to young
persons. I'm not in the habit of saying " How de do, How de
do, little girls" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.
Ko. (aside to Girls). Don't laugh at him he's under treat-
ment for it. (Aside to POOH-BAH.) Never mind them, they
don't understand the delicacy of your position.
Pooh. "We know how delicate it is, don't we?
Ko. I should think we did ! How a nobleman of your im-
portance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall
understand. [Ko-Ko retires up and goes off.
QUARTETTE AND CHORUS.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AND PITTI-SING.
So please you, sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high
We shall know better by-and-by.
But youth, of course, must have its fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
And don't in girlhood's happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we're disposed to dance and sing,
Tra la la, etc. (Dancint/.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth of course, etc.
Pooh. I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly-titled few ;
But nobody does, and why should you ?
That youth at us should have its fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us ;
To our prerogative we cling
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 187
If we decline to dance and sing
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
[Exeunt all but YUM- YUM.
Yum. How pitiable is the condition of a young and innocent
child brought from the gloom of a ladies' academy into the full
blown blaze of her own marriage ceremony ; and with a man
for whom I care nothing! True, he loves me; but everybody
docs that.
Enter NANKI-POO.
Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone ! I have sought you
night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian
was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to
him this afternoon !
Yum. Alas, yes !
Nank. But you do not love him ?
Yum. Alas, no !
Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse
him?
Yum. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and
he wouldn't let me marry you !
Nank. But I would wait until you were of age !
Yum. Y r ou forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years
of discretion until they are fifty.
Nank. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered
years of indiscretion.
Yum. Besides, a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind
instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for
the ward of a Lord High Executioner.
Nank. But (Aside.} Shall I tell her? Yes! She will
not betray me ! (Aloud.} What if it should prove that, after
all, I am no musician !
Yum. There ! 1 was certain of it, directly I heard you
play !
Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the
son of his Majesty the Mikado?
Yum. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness
disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will
your Highness promise never to do it again ?
Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate
Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's court. She mis-
construed my customary affability into expressions of affection,
and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My
1 88 THE MIKADO ; OR,
father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to
marry her within a week, or perish ignominious! y on the
scaffold. That night I fled his court, and, assuming the
disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you
found me when I had the happiness of seeing you ! {Approach-
ing her.}
Yum. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had
better not come too near. The laws against flirting are exces-
sively severe.
Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.
Yum. Still that don't make it right. To flirt is illegal, and
we must obey the law.
Nank. Deuce take the law !
Yum. I wish it would, but it won't !
Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be !
Yum. Happy indeed !
Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting
side by side, like that. (Sits ~by her.)
Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like
that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)
Nank. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that.
(Approaching and gazing at her sentimentally.)
Yum. Breathing vows of unutterable love like that.
(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)
Nank. With our arms round each other's waists like that.
(Embracing her.)
Yum. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.
Nank. If it wasn't for the law.
Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind.
Nank. Not for worlds !
Yum. Being engaged to Ko-ko, you know !
Nank. Being engaged to Ko-ko !
Nank. So, in spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I'll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus (kissing her)
Let me make it clear to you,
This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this (kissing her)
Tiiis is what I'll never do !
[Exeunt in opposite directions
Enter KO-KO.
Ko. (locking after YUM- YUM). There she goes! To think
how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little
parcel ! Keally, it hardly seems worth while ! Oh, matrimony!
THE TOWN' OF T1T1PL. 189
Enter Pooii-BAH and
Now then, what is it ? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing ?
You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir !
Pish. I am the bearer of a letter from His Majesty the Mikado.
Ko. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the
Mikado ! What in the world can he have to say to me V
(Heads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would
come ! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions
have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that, unless
somebody is beheaded within one month, the post of Lord High
Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the
rank of a village !
Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin !
Ko. Yes. There's no help for it, I shall have to execute
somebody. The only question is, who shall it be ?
Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already
under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point
to you.
Ko. To me ? What are you talking about? I can't execute
myself, Recorder !
Pooh. Why not ?
Ko. Why not ? Because, in the first place, self-decapitation
is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to
attempt ; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a
capital offence.
Pooh. That is so, no doubt.
Pish. We might reserve that point.
Pooh. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the
full Court.
Ko. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.
Pooh. A man might try.
Pish. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that
would be something.
Pooh. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to
comply with the Imperial will.
Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official
Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to
embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a
successful result.
Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable
to -you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace
itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting
off his own head,
190
THE MIKADO; OR,
Phli. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substi-
tute
Ko. Asubstitue? Ob, certainly nothing easier. (To POOH-
BAH.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you my substitute.
Pooh. I should like it above all things. Such an appoint-
ment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any
sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition !
Ko-Ko.
My brain it teems
With endless schemes,
Both good and new
For Titipu ;
But if I flit,
The benefit
That I'd diffuse
The town would lose !
Now every man
To aid his clan
Should plot and plan
As well as he can,
And so,
Although
I'm ready to go,
Yet recollect
'Twere disrespect
Did I neglect
To thus effect
This aim direct.
So I object
So I object
TRIO.
POOH-BAH.
I am so proud,
If I allowed
My family pride
To be my guide,
I'd volunteer
To quit this sphere
Instead of you,
In a minute or two,
But family pride
Must be denied,
And set aside,
And mortified,
And so,
Although
I wish to go,
And greatly pine
To brightly shine,
And take the line
Of a hero fine,
With grief condign
I must decline
I must decline
I must decline
Pisn-Tusir.
I heard one day,
A gentleman say
That criminals who
Are cut in two
Can hardly feel
The fatal steel,
And so are slain
Without much pain.
If this is true
It's jolly for you ;
Your courage screw
To bid us adieu,
And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare,
I'm quite aware
It's your affair,
Yet I declare
I'd take your share,
But I don't much care
I don't much care
I don't much care
So I object
All. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block !
[Exeunt all but Ko-Ko.
Ko. This is simply appalling ! I, who allowed myself to be
respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my
native town, am now required to die within a month, and that
by a man whom I have loaded with honours ! Is this public
gratitude ? Is this
Enter NANKI-POO, with a rope in his hands.
Go away, sir? How dare you? Am I never to be per-
mitted to soliloquize ?
Nank. Oh, go on don't mind me.
Ko. What are you going to do with that rope?
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 191
Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.
Ko. Terminate your existence ? Oh, nonsense ! What for!
Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man,
and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your
instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard.
Nank. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I
instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
Ko. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible ! (Suddenly.)
Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking
your life, you are committing a crime which which which
is Oh ! (Struck ly an idea.)
Nank. What's the matter ?
Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
Nank. Absolutely !
Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution ?
Nank. Nothing.
Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers all useless ?
Nank. All ! My mind is made up.
Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you arc
absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake
your determination don't spoil yourself by committing
suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public
Executioner !
Nank. I don't see how that would benefit me.
Ko. You don't ? Observe : you'll have a month to live, and
you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day
comes, there'll be a grand public ceremonial you'll be the
central figure no one will attempt to deprive you of that
distinction. There'll be a procession bands dead march
bells toiling all the girls in tears Yum- Yum distracted-
then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of
fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be
there all the same.
Nank. Do you think Yum-Yura would really be distracted
at my death ?
Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender-
hearted little creature alive.
Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after
all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe
for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
Ko. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum- Yum so easily,
and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
Nank. True.
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum why, it seems absurd !
THE MIKADO ; OR,
Nank. Ami yet there are a good many people iu tlie world
who have to endure it.
No. Poor devils, yes ! You are quite right not to be of their
number.
Nank. (suddenly*). I won't be of their number !
Ko. Noble fellow !
Nank. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry
Yum-Ynm to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum- Yum.
Nank. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Pre-
paring rope.")
Ko. Stop, stop listen one moment be reasonable. How
can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum, if I'm going to
marry her myself?
Nank. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and
you can marry her then.
Ko. That's true, of course. I quite see that, but, dear me, my
position during the next month will be most unpleasant most
unpleasant !
Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
Ko. But dear me well I agree. After all, it's only
putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice
her against me, will you ? You see, I've educated her to be
my wife ; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good
man. Now, I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
Nank. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, POOH-BAH, and PisH-Tusn.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don't hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You'll suffer all the same.
Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
Ko. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer !
All. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear !
Ko. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Pooh !
All. Hail, Nanki-Pooh !
A'o. I think he'll do ?
All. Yes, yes, he'll do !
He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender ;
No\v, I adorn that girl with passion tender,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 193
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still !
All. Ah, yes !
He loves himself with passion tenderer still !
Ko. (to NANKI-POO.) Take her she's yours !
Enter YuM-YuM, PEEP-BO, and PiTTi-Sixo.
Nank. and Yum- Yum. Oh, rapture !
ENSEMBLE.
Yam-Yum and NanJci-Poo. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day ;
What though the night may come too soon,
There's yet a month of afternoon !
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song,
And merry dance,
With jo} r ous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career !
Chorus. Then let the throng, etc.
Fitti-Siny. A day, a week, a month, a year
Or be it far, or be it near,
Life's eventime comes much too soon,
You'll live at least a honeymoon !
All. Then let the throng, etc.
SOLO. POOH-BAH.
As in three weeks you've got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
'Twere empty compliment to cry
Long life to Nanki-Poo !
But as you've got three weeks to live
As fellow citizen,
This toast with three times three we'll give
" Long life to you till then ! "
Chorus. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do.
Long life to you till then !
DANCE.
Enter KATISHA, melodramatically.
Kat. Your revels cease assist me all of you !
Chorus. Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities V
Kat. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo !
Oh, fool ! to shun delights that never cloy !
Come back, oh, shallow fool ! come back to joy !
ill. o
I 9 4 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Chorus. Go, leave thy deadly work undone ;
Away, away ! ill-favoured one !
Nank, (aside to YUM-YUM). Ah !
Tis Katisha !
The maid of whom I told yon. (About to go.)
Kat. (detaining him). No !
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you !
SONG. KATISHA.
(Addressing NANKI-POO.) Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys !
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise !
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole !
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole !
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind !
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base !
Chorus. If she's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base !
Kat (addressing YUM- YUM). Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves !
Bright eye, that f oolest
Steel-tempered nerves ;
Rose-lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years
Sweet tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears
Thy doom is nigh,
Pink cheek, bright eye !
Thy knell is rung,
Rose-lip, sweet tongue.
Chorus. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose-lip, sweet tongue !
Pitti-Sing. Away, nor prosecute your quest
From our intention well expressed,
You cannot turn us !
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us !
For he's going to marry Yum- Yum
All. Yum-Yurn !
Pitti. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb
All. Cumb cumb !
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee,
On this subject I pray you be dumb
All. Dumb dumb.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 195
Pitti. You'll find there are raany
Who'll wed for a penny
The word for j'our guidance is, " Mum "
All. Mum mum !
Pitti. There's lots of good fish in the sea !
All. There's lots of good fish in the sea !
And you'll find there are many, etc.
SOLO. KA.TISHA.
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone ;
In silent sadness
I live alone !
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies !
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue !
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from you disguising !
Nanh. (aside). Now comes the blow !
Kat. Prepare yourself for news surprising !
Nank. (aside). How foil my foe ?
Kat. No minstrel he, despite bravado !
Yum. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha ! ha ! I know !
Kat. He is the son of your
[NANKi-Poo and YuM-YuM, interrupting, siny Japanese
words to drown her voice.
ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
O sa ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado :
He is the only son of your
All. O ni ! 'bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. I'll spoil
All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. Your gay gambado !
He is the son
All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. Of your
All. ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
ENSEMBLE.
KATISHA. THE OTHERS.
Ye torrents roar ! We'll hear no more
Ye tempests howl ! Ill-omened owl,
Your wrath outpour To joy we soar,
With angry growl ! Despite your scowl
Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival
"call Shall rise triumphant over all !
Shall rise triumphant over all ! Away you go,
Prepare for woe, Collect your hordes ;
Ye haughty lords, Proclaim your woe
At once I go In dismal chords ;
Mikado-wards,
jr,6 THE MIKADO ; OR,
And when he learns his son is found, We do not heed their dismal sound,
My wrongs with vengeance will be For joy reigns everywhere around !
crowned !
[KATISHA rushes furiously up stage, charing the crowd
away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of
stage.
ACT II.
SOENE. Ko-Ko's Garden. YUM- YUM discovered seated at her
bridal toilet, surrounded by Maidens, ivho are dressing her
hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the
effect in a mirror.
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair
Weave the supple tress
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness
Paint the pretty face
Dye the coral lip
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship !
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride !
SOLO. PlTTI-SlNG.
Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew
Try if you can cry
We will do so, too.
When you're summoned, start,
Like a frightened roe
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go !
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride !
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair, etc. [Exeunt Chorus.
Turn, (looking at herself in glass}. Yes, I am indeed
beautiful ! Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese
way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody
else in the whole world ? Can this be vanity ? No ! Nature
is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature,
and take after my mother.
SONG. YUM-YUM.
The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 197
With ever living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty
He scorns to tell a story !
He don't exclaim,
"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent."
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent !
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky
We really know our worth,
The sun and I !
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness ;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness :
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her !
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her !
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy ;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I !
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be
married to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the
very happiest girl in Japan !
Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied
who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In " all but " perfection ?
Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your
husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a
drawback.
Pitti. I don't know about that. It all depends !
Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends !
Yum. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer
to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is
to be to be
Peep. Cut short.
Yum. Well, cut short in a month, can't you let me forget
it? [Weeping.}
198 THE MIKADO; OR,
Enter N ANKi-Poo followed by Pisn-TusH.
Nank. Yum- Yum in tears and on her wedding morn !
Yum. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a
month you're to be beheaded ! {Bursts into tears.}
Pitti. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be
beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)
Peep. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded !
(Bursts into tears.)
Nank. (aside}. Humph! How some bridegrooms would
be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.') A month?
Well, what's a month ? Bah ! These divisions of time are
purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
Pitti. There's a popular impression to that effect.
Nank. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute
each minute an hour each hour a day and each day a
year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happi-
ness before us !
Peep. And at that rate, this interview has already lasted
four hours and three-quarters ! [Exit PEEP-BO.
Yum. (still soUbing). Yes. How time flies when one is
thoroughly enjoying one's self!
Nank. That's the way to look at it ! Don't let's be down-
hearted ! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let's let's be perfectly happy ! (Almost
in tears.}
Pish. By all means. Let's let's thoroughly enjoy our-
selves.
Pitti. It's it's absurd to cry ! (Trying to force a laugh.)
Yum. Quite ridiculous ! (Trying to laugh.)
[All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.
QUARTETTE.
YUM-YUM, PlTTI-SlNG, NANKI-POO, AND PlSH-TuSH.
Brightly dawns our wedding-day ;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting !
Whither, whither art thou fleeting ?
Fickle moment, prithee stay !
What though mortal joys be hollow ?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow :
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong ! Ding dong !
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal !
Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.)
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 199
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping,
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow
I to-day and thou to-morrow :
This the close of every song
Ding dong ! Ding dong !
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all ?
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal !
Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt PITTI-SING and Pisn-TusH.
NANKI-POO embraces YUM- YUM. Enter Ko-Ko. NANKI-POO
releases YUM- YUM.
Ko. Go on don't mind me.
Nank. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it
by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist.
(NANKi-Poo does so.) There ; let me get used to that first.
Yum. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire ? It must pain you
to see us so affectionate together !
Ko. No, I must learn to bear it ! Now oblige me by allow-
ing her head to rest on your shoulder. (He does so Ko-Ko
much affected.} I am much obliged to you. Now kiss her !
(He does so Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you it's
simple torture !
Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month.
Ko. No. It's no use deluding one's self with false hopes.
Nank. and Yum. (together). What do you mean ?
Ko. (to YUM- YUM). My child my poor child. {Aside.)
How shall I break it to her ? (Aloud.) My little bride that
was to have been.
Yum. (delighted). Was to have been !
Ko. Yes ; you never can be mine !
Yum. (in ecstasy). What ! ! !
Ko. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
Nank. and Yum. (together). Buried alive !
Ko. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.
Nank. But whom did you get that from ?
Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my solicitor.
Yum. But he may be mistaken !
Ko. So I thought, so I consulted the Attorney-General, the
2co THE MIKADO; OK,
Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion.
Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life !
Nank. But, stop a bit ! This law has never been put in
force ?
Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable
with decapitation, and married men never flirt.
Nank. Of course they don't. I quite forgot that ! Well,
I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at
an end !
Yum. Darling, I don't want to appear selfish, and I love
you with all my heart I don't suppose I shall ever love
anybody else half as much but when I agreed to marry you,
my own, I had no idea, pet, that I should have to be buried
alive in a month !
Nank. Nor I ! It's the very first I've heard of it !
Yum. It it makes a difference, doesn't it ?
NanJc. It does make a difference, of course !
Yum. You see burial alive it's such a stuffy death ! You
see my difficulty, don't you ?
Nank. Yes ; and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying
out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death ; if I release
you, you marry Ko-Ko at once !
TRIO. YUM- YUM, NAXK.I-POO, AND Ko-Ko.
Yum. Here's a how-de-do !
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered too !
Here's a how-de-do !
Nank. Here's a pretty mess !
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding !
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
Witness my distress,
Here's a pretty mess !
Ko. Here's a state of things !
To her life she clings !
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn't seem to suit her notion-
Burial it brings !
Here's a state of things !
ENSEMBLE.
YUM-YUM AND NANKI-POO. Ko-Ko.
With a passion that's intense With a passion that's intense
I worship and adore, You worship and adore,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 201
But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore.
If what he says is true, If what I say is true,
It is death to marry you ! It is death to marry you !
Here's a pretty state "of things ! Here's a pretty state of things !
Here's a pretty how-de-do ! Here's a pretty how-de-do !
[Exit YuH-YuM.
Ko. (going up to NANKI-POO). My poor boy, I'm really
very sorry for you.
Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. "
Ko. You see I'm quite helpless.
Nank. I quite see that.
Ko. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have
one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't
be disappointed of a wedding you shall come to mine.
Nank. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.
Ko. Why so?
Nank. To-day I die.
Ko. What do you mean ?
Nank. I can't live without Yum- Yum. This afternoon I
perform the Happy Despatch.
Ko. No, no pardon me I can't allow that.
Nank. Why not ?
Ko. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the
hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time ! If you
kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to
be executed in your place !
Nank. It would certainly seem so !
Enter POOH-BAH.
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. Tbe Mikado and his suite are approaching the city,
and will be here in ten minutes.
Ko. The Mikado ! He's coming to see whether his orders
have been carried out ! (To NANKI-POO.) Now, look here,
you know this is getting serious a bargain's a bargain, and
you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing
suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound
to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.
Nank. Very well, then behead me.
Ko. What, now ?
Nank. Certainly ; at once.
Ko. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute
gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a
blue-bottle !
202 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner
Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know
how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin
with a guinea-pig, and work my way through the animal
kingdom till I come to a second trombone. Why, you don't
suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of
Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were
purely nominal? I can't kill you I can't kill anything!
( Weeps.}
Nank. Come, my poor fellow, your feelings do you credit ;
but you must nerve yourself to this you must, indeed. We
all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times ; and when
these duties present themselves we must nerve ourselves to an
effort. Come, now after all, what is it? If I don't mind,
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be
done.
Ko. {springing up suddenly}. Must it? I'm not so sure
about that !
Nan~k. What do you mean ?
Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that
you've been executed will do just as well ? Here are plenty of
witnesses the Lord Chief Justice, and Lord High Admiral,
Cornmander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Depart-
ment, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of
Police. They'll all swear to it won't you? (To POOH-BAH.)
Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety ?
Ko. Why not ? You'll be grossly insulted as usual.
Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date ?
Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction.
Pooh, (aside). Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.)
Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it ! (Aside.)
Ha ! ha ! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck ?
NanTc. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum
Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yurn ! Bother Yum-Yum ! Here,
Commissionaire (to POOH-BAH), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit
POOH-BAH.) Take Yuni-Yuin and marry Yum-Yum, only go
away and never come back again.
Enter POOH-BAH with YUM-YUM and PITTI-SING.
Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy ?
Yum. Not particularly.
Ko. You've five minutes to spare ?
Yum. Yes.
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 203
Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu ;
he'll marry you at once.
Turn. But if I'm to be buried alive?
Ko. Now don't ask any questions, but do as I tell 'you, and
Nanki-Poo will explain all.
Nank. But one moment
Ko. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you
alive, I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him
that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM,
followed by Poon-BAH.) Close thing that, for here he comes !
March. Enter procession, heralding MIKADO, with KATISHA.
CHORUS.
" March of the Mikado's troops"
Miya sama, iniya sama,
On ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira sum no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tony are tony are na !
DUET. MIKADO AND KATISHA.
32 1 kudu. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect ;
I'm the Emperor of Japan.
Kat. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect !
He'll marry his son
(He has only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mik. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct ;
Kat. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect !
Bow ! Bow !
To his daughter-in-law elect !
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mih. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway
Kat. Except his daughter-in-law elect !
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect !
Mik. My nature is love and light
My freedom from all defect
Kat. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect !
Bow ! Bow !
To his daughter-in-law elect !
204 THE MIKADO ; OR,
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
S ONG. MIKADO.
A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime- -
The punishment fit the crime ;
Andmiake each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment,
Of innocent merriment !
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten to four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
My object all sublime, etc.
The lady who dies a chemical yellow,
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figger,
Is blacked like a nigger
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot 'who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 205
Of masses and fugues and " ops "
By Bach, interwoven
With Spokr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.
My object all sublime, etc.
The billiard sharp whom any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard
He's made to dwell
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue,
And elliptical billiard balls !
My object all sublime, etc.
Enter POOH-BAH, wlio hands a paper to Ko-Ko.
Ko. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit your
wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
Mik. Oh, you've had an execution, have you ?
Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
Pooh. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to MIKADO.)
Mik. (reads). "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord
Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of
State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the
Second Floor Front."
Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
Mik. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the
performance.
Ko. A tough fellow he was, too a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable
scene.
Tuio. Ko-Ko, PITTI-SIXG, AXD POOH-BAH.
Ko. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee !
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
206 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee !
CHORUS.
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales-
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
Pitti-Sincf. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve ;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve,
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebras !
When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see,
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me !
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees ;
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
Pooh. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck with a smile well bred,
And bowed three times to me !
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be ;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree !
And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see ;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me !
THE TOWN OF T2TIPU. 207
CHORUS.
This haughty youth
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays,
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says ! \lbxeunt Chorus.
Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have
seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from
our imperial court.
Ko. Indeed ? Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his
position ?
Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry
him yet he fled !
Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely !
Kat. That's not true. You hold that I am not beautiful
because my face is plain. But you know nothing ; you are still
unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone
that beauty is to be sought. But I have a left shoulder-blade
that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it.
My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. It is on
view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting-card.
As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. Observe
this ear.
Ko. Large.
Kat. Large ? Enormous ! But think of its delicate internal
mechanism. It is fraught with beauty ! As for this tooth,
it almost stands alone. Many have tried to draw it, but in
vain.
Ko. And yet he fled !
Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a
second trombone.
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). A second^trombone !
Mik. Yes ; would it be troubling you too much if I asked
you to produce him ? He goes by the name of Nanki-Poo.
Ko. Oh no ; not at all only
Mik. Yes?
Ko. It's rather awkward ; but, iu point of fact, he's gone
abroad !
Mik. Gone abroad ? His address !
Ko. Knightsbridge !
Kat. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha !
M ik. What's the matter ?
Kat. See here his name Nanki-Poo beheaded this mom-
203 THE MIKADO ; OR,
ing ! Oh, where shall I find another ! Where shall I find
another ! [Ko-KO, POOH-BAH, an<^PiTTi-SiNG/?Z on their knees.
Mik. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear ; this is very
tiresome. (To KO-KO.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to
carry out my wishes, you have beheaded the heir to the throne
of Japan !
(Ko. But I assure you we had no idea
Together. \ Pooh. But, indeed, we didn't know
( Pitti. We really hadn't the least notion
Mik. Of course you hadn't. How could you ? Come, come,
my good fellow, don't distress yourself it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a second
trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses
me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved
all he got. {They rise.)
Ko. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty.
Mik. Obliged ? Not a bit. Don't mention it. How could
you tell ?
Pooh. No, of course we couldn't know that he was the Heir
Apparent.
Pitti. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
Ko. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
Mik. Ha! ha! ha! {To KAT.) I forget the punishment
for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). Punishment! (They drop
down on their knees again.)
Mik. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy.
Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but
I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering,
with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret
I'm not a bit angry.
Ko. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our
assurance, we had no idea
Mik. Of course you hadn't. That's the pathetic part of it.
Unfortunately the fool of an Act says " compassing the death of
the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake, or
not knowing, or having no notion. There should be, of course,
but there isn't. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts
are drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session.
Ko. What's the good of that ?
Mik. Now, let's see will after luncheon suit you? Can you
wait till then ?
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Oh yes we can wait till then !
THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 209
Mik. Then we'll make it after luncheon. I'm really very
sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is
triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
MIKADO, KATISHA, Ko-Ko, POOH-BAH, AND PITTI-SING.
Mik. and Kat. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A !
.Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. Is B more worthy?
Mik. and Kat. I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
ENSEMBLE.
Yet A is happy !
Oh, so happy !
Laughing, Ha ! ha !
Chaffing, Ha ! ha !
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
Ever joyous ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A !
Ko., Pooh,, and Pitti. If I were fortune which I'm not
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in niiserie,
That is, assuming I am B.
Mik. and Kat. But should A perish ?
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. That should he,
(Of course assuming I am B).
B should be happy !
Oh, so happy !
Laughing, Ha ! ha !
Chaffing, Ha ! ha !
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched, meritorious B !
[Exeunt MIKADO and KATISHA.
Ko. Well ! a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree !
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic
verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.
Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed ! Corroborative fiddlestick !
Ko. And you're just as bad as he is, with your cock-aud-a-
bull stories about catching his eye, and his whistling an air.
But that's so like you ! You must put in your oar !
Pooh. But how about your big right arm ?
Pitti. Yes, and your snickersnee !
Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet he must come
to life again at once.
in. P
2 ro THE MIKADO; OR,
Enter NANKI-PO and YuM-YuM prepare for journey.
Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you
you're reprieved.
NanJc. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for
my honeymoon.
Ko. Nonsense. A" terrible thing has just happened. It seems
you're the son of the Mikado.
Nank. Yes ; but that happened some time ago.
Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here,
and with Katisha.
Nank. My father ! And with Katisha !
Ko. Yes ; he wants you particularly.
Pooh. So does she.
Turn. Oh, but he's married now.
Ko. But, bless my heart, what has that to do with it ?
Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already consequently she will insist on
my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be
buried alive.
Turn. You see our difficulty.
Ko. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
Nank. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me,
and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being
put to death.
Ko. I marry Katisha !
Turn. I really think it's the only course.
Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her ? She's something
appalling !
Pitti. Ah, that's only her face. She has a left elbow which
people come miles to see !
Pooh. I am told that her right heel is much admired by
connoisseurs.
Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's
right heel.
Nank. It comes to this : while Katisha is single, I prefer to
be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET. NANKI-POO AND Ko-Ko.
Nank. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 211
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine ;
And that's what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that's what we mean, etc.
Ko. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face ;
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
" Oh bother the flowers that bloom in the spring !
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that's what he means when he ventures to sing, etc.
[Dance and 'exeunt NANKI-POO, YuM-YuM, POOH-BAH,
and PiTTi-SiNG.
Enter KATISHA.
RECITATIVE.
Alone, and yet alive ! Oh sepulchre !
My soul is still my body's prisoner !
Remote the peace that Death alone can give
My doom to wait ! my punishment to live !
SONG.
Hearts do not break !
They sting and ache
For old sake's sake,
But do not die !
Though with each breath
They long for death,
As witnesseth
The living I !
Oh living I !
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone
Dost thou stay on ?
W T hy linger here,
Where all is drear ?
May not a cheated maiden die ?
Ko. (approaching her timidly}. Katisha!
Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love ! But
venseance pursues they are heating the cauldron !
Ko. Katisha behold a suppliant at your feet ! Katisha
mercy !
212 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Kcit. Mercy ? Had you mercy on him ? See here, you 1
You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would
have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste only the
educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate
when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find
another ? It takes years to train a man to love me am I to go
through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore
mercy for you who robbed me of my prey I mean my pupil
just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh,
where shall I find another !
Ko. (suddenly, and with great vehemence}. Here ! Here !
Kat. What!!!
Ko. (with intense passion}. Katisha, for years I have loved
you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely con-
suming my very vitals ! Ah, shrink not from me ! If there
is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from
a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest
touch ! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling
the soul within me. But the fire will not be smothered it
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words
that will not be weighed that cannot be schooled that should
not be too severely criticized. Katisha, I dare not hope for
your love but I will not live without it !
Kat. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you
have so foully wronged !
Ko. I do accept my love, or I perish on the spot !
Kat. Go to ! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet
died of a broken heart !
Ko. You know not what you say. Listen !
SONG. Ko-Ko.
On a tree by a river a little torn-tit
Sang. "Willow, titwillow, titwillow! "
And I said to him, " Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie ?" I cried,
" Or a rather tough worm in your little inside ? "
With a shake of his poor little head he replied,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 213
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he threw himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
Now, I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name
Isn't willow, titwillow, titwillow.
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !
And if 3 r ou remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! "
[During this song KATISHA has been greatly affected,
and at the end is almost in tears.
Rat. (whimpering}. Did he really die of love ?
Ko. He really did.
Kat. All on account of a cruel little hen ?
Ko. Yes.
Kat. Poor little chap!
Ko. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird
intimately.
Kat. Did you ? He must have been very fond of her !
Ko. His devotion was something extraordinary.
Kat. (still whimper ing}. Poor little chap ! And and if I
refuse you, will you go and do the same ?
Ko. At once.
Kat. No, no you mustn't ! Anything but that ! (Falls on
his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose !
Ko. (making a wry face). You are !
Kat. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny
weeny wee bit blood-thirsty, will you ?
Ko. Hate you ? Oh, Katisha ! is there not beauty even in
blood-thirstiness ?
Kat. My idea exactly !
DUET. Ko-Ko AND KATISHA.
Kat. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growing of the gale,
There is eloquent out-pouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tale !
Ko, Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail !
Kat, Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
214 THE MIKADO ; OR,
But to him who's scientific
There's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts !
Ko. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts.
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry !
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
'Till day is done !
Ko. There is beauty in extreme old age
Do you fancy you are elderly enough ?
Information I'm requesting
On a subject interesting :
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?
Kat. Throughout this wide dominion
It's the general opinion
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough.
Ko. Are you old enough to marry do you think ?
Won't you wait 'till you are " eighty in the shade " ?
There's a fascination frantic
In a ruin that's romantic ;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed ?
Kat. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry !
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one !
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done ! [Exeunt together.
Flourish. Enter the MIKADO, attended by Pisn-Tusn, and
Court.
Mik. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite
ready. Have all the painful preparations been made ?
Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two
well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
THE TOWN OF TIT2PU. 215
Enter Ko-Ko, KATISHA, POOH-BAH, and Prm-Sixo. They
throiu themselves at the MIK ABO'S feet.
Kat. Mercy ! Mercy for Ko-Ko ! Mercy for Pitti-Sing!
Mercy even for Pooh-Bah !
Mik. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that
remark.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead,
and I have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh ! You've not been long about it !
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh. I am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the
Heir- Apparent
Enter NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM. They kneel.
Nank. The Heir-Apparent is not slain.
Mik. Bless my heart, my son !
Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected !
Kat. {seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me !
Mik. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I
think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
Ko. Your Majesty, it's like this. It is true that I stated
that I had killed Nanki-Poo
Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give veri-
similitude to a bald and
Ko. Will you refrain from putting in your oar ? {To MIK.)
It's like this : when your Majesty says, " Let a thing be done,"
it's as good as done practically, it is done because your
Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, " Kill a gentleman,"
and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently that
gentleman is as good as dead practically he is dead and if he
is dead, why not say so ?
Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory.
FINALE.
Yum and Nank. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day ;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've years and years of afternoon !
Pli. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career !
Then let the throng, etc.
RUDDIGORE;
OR,
THE WITCH'S CURSE.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL SUPERNATURAL OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
First produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, by MR. R. D'OYLY
CARTE, on Saturday, January zznd, 1887.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
MORTALS.
ROBIN OAKAPPLE, a Young Farmer ... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
RICHARD DAUNTLESS, his Foster-
brother a Man-d'-war's-man ... MR. DURWARD LELY.
SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, of Rud-
digore a Wicked Baronet MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
OLD ADAM GOODHEART, Robin's Faith-
ful Servant MR. RUDOLPH LEWIS.
ROSE MAYBUD, a Village Maiden ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM.
MAD MARGARET Miss JESSIE BOND.
DAME HANNAH, Rose's Aunt Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM.
ZORAH) n c ? v / -^ f Miss JOSEPHINE FINDLAY.
J- Professional Bridesmaids ...\
RUTH ) (Miss LINDSAY.
GHOSTS.
SIR RUPERT MURGATROYD, the First
Baronet MR. PRICE.
SIR JASPER MURGATROYD, the Third
Baronet MA. CHARLES.
SIR LIONEL MURGATROYD, the Sixth
Baronet MR. TREVOR.
SIR CONRAD MURGATROYD, the Twelfth
Baronet MR. BURBANK.
SIR DESMOND MURGATROYD, the
Sixteenth Baronet MR. TUER.
SIR GILBERT MURGATROYD, the
Eighteenth Baronet MR. WILBRAHAM.
SIR MERVYN MURGATROYD, the
Twentieth Baronet MR. Cox.
SIR RODERIC MURGATROYD, th>.
Twenty-first Baronet MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
Chorus of Officers, Ancestors, and Professional Bridesmaids.
ACT I.
THE FISHING VILLAGE OF BEDERRING, IN
CORNWALL.
ACT II.
PICTURE GALLERY IN RUDDIGORE CASTLE.
TIME EARLY IN THE PRKSENT CENTURY.
RUDDIGORIi
OR,
THE WITCH'S CURSE.
ACT I.
SCENE. Tlie fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall). ROSE
MAYBUD'S cottage is seen
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. They range themselves in front
of HOSE'S cottage.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Fair is Rose as the bright May-day ;
Soft is Rose as the warm west-wind ;
Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay
Rose is the queen of maiden-kind !
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say
Is anybody going
To marry yon to-day ?
SOLO. ZORAH.
Every day, as the days roll on,
Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don,
Sure that a maid so fairly famed
Won't very long remain unclaimed.
Hour by hour, and day by day,
Several months have passed aw a}'.
And though she's the fairest flower that blows,
Nobody yet has married Rose !
CHORUS.
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say
Is anybody going
To marry you to-day ?
220 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Enter OLD HANNAH, from cottage.
Han. Nay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for
Rose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many
suitors.
Zor. It's very disappointing. Every young man in the
village is in love with her, but they are appalled by her
beauty and modesty, and won't declare themselves ; so, until
she makes her own choice, there's no chance for anybody
else.
Eutli. This is, perhaps, the only village in the world that
possesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are
bound to be on duty every day from ten to four and it is at
least six months since our services were required. The pious
charity by which we exist is practically wasted !
Zor. We shall be disendowed that will be the end of it !
Dame Hannah you're a nice old person you could marry if
you liked. There's old Adam Robin's faithful servant he
loves you with all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen.
Han. Nay that may never be, for I am pledged !
All. To whom ?
Han. To an eternal maidenhood ! Many years ago I was
betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed
name. But on the very day upon which our wedding was to
have been celebrated, I discovered that he was no other than
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore,
and the uncle of the man who now bears that title. As a son
of that accursed race he was no husband for an honest girl,
so, madly as I loved him, I left him then and there. He died
but ten years since, but I never saw him again.
Zor. But why should you not marry a bad Baronet of
Ruddigore ?
Ruth. All baronets are bad; but was he worse than other
baronets ?
Han. My child, he was accursed.
Zor. But who cursed him ? Not you, I trust !
Han. The curse is on all his line, and has been ever since
the time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet. Listen, and you
shall hear the legend.
LEGEND. HANNAH.
Sir Rupert Murgatroyd
His leisure and his riches
He ruthlessly employed
In persecuting witches.
With fear he'd make them quake
Chorus
THE WITCHES CURSE.
He'd duck them in his lake
He'd break their bones
With sticks and stones,
And burn them at the stake !
This sport he much enjoyed,
Did Rupert Murgatroyd
Is'o sense of shame
Or pity came
To Rupert Murgatroyd !
Once, on the village green,
A palsied hag he roasted,
And what took place, I ween,
Shook his composure boasted ;
For, as the torture grim
Seized on each withered limb,
The writhing dame,
'Mid fire and flame,
Yelled forth this curse on him :
"Each lord of Ruddigore,
Despite his best endeavour,
Shall do one crime, or more,
Once, every day, for ever !
This doom he can't defy
However he may try,
For should he stay
His hand, that day
In torture he shall die ! "
The prophecy came true :
Each heir who held the title
Had, every day, to do
Some crime of import vital ;
Until, with guilt o'erplied,
"I'll sin no more ! " he cried,
And on the day
He said that say,
In agony he died !
221
Chorus And thus, with sinning cloyed,
Has died each Murgatroyd,
And so shall fall,
Both one and all,
Each coming Murgatroyd !
[Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Enter R SE MAYBUD/VOW cottage, with small basket on
her arm.
Han. "w'hfrh^ awav > dear R se ? ^ n some errand of charity,
asisthy W nt?
Hose. A * ew g 1 ^ dear aunt, for deserving villagers. Lo,
here is soi ne peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of
222 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
false teeth for pretty little Kuth Rowbottom, and a pound of
snuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill.
Han. Ah, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help
to make some gallant youth happy for life! Rose, why dost
thou harden that little heart of thine? Is there none here-
away whom thou couldst love ?
Rose. And if there were such an one, verily it would ill
become me to tell him so.
Ban. Nay, dear one, where true love is, there is little need
of prim formality.
JRose. Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung
in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door,
with nought that I could call mine own, save a change of baby-
linen and a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always
regarded that work as a voice from a parent's tomb. This
hallowed volume (producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I
may believe the title-page, by no less an authority than the
wife of a Lord Mayor, has been, through life, my guide and
monitor. By its solemn precepts I have learnt to test the
moral worth of all who approach me. The man who bites his
bread, or eats peas with a knife, I look upon as a lost creature,
and he who has not acquired the proper way of entering and
leaving a room is the object of my pitying horror. There are
those in this village who bite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly
all are wont to use their pocket-combs in public places. In
truth I could pursue this painful theme much further, but
behold, I have said enough.
Han. But is there not one among them who is faultless, in
thine eyes? For example young Robin. He combines the
manners of a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist. Couldst
thou not love him ?
Hose. And even if I could, how should I confess it unto him ?
For lo, he is shy, and sayeth nought !
BALLAD. ROSE.
If somebody there chanced to be
Who loved me in a manner true,
My heart would point him out to me,
And I would point him out to you.
(Referring to look.) But here it says of those who point,
Their manners must be out of joint
You may not point
You must not point
It's manners out of joint, to point !
Had I the love of such as he,
Some quiet spot he'd take me to,
Then he could whisper it to me,
And I could whisper it to you ;
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 223
(Referring tobook.) But whispering, I've somewhere met,
Is contrary to etiquette :
Where can it be? (Searching book.)
Now let me see (Finding reference.)
Yes, Yes !
It's contrary to etiquette ! [Showing it to HANNAH.
If any well-bred youth I knew,
Polite and gentle, neat and trim,
Then I would hint as much to you,
And j T ou could hint as much to him.
(Referring to book.) But here it says, in plainest print,
" It's most unladylike to hint "
You may not hint,
You must not hint
It says you mustn't hint, in print !
And if I loved him through and through
(True love and not a passing whim),
Then I could speak of it to you,
And you could speak of it to him.
But here I find it doesn't do
To speak until you're spoken to.
(Referring to book.) Where can it be? (Searching book.)
Xow let me see (Finding reference.)
" Don't speak until you're spoken to " !
[Exit HANNAH.
Ease. Poor aunt ! Little did the good soul think, when she
breathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even
as well as another. But he resembleth all the youths in
this village, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence,
and lo, it is hard to bring him to the point. But soft, he is
here ! [ROSE is about to go ivhen ROBIN enters and calls her.
Rob. Mistress Rose !
Rose (surprised}. Master Robin !
Rob. I wished to say that it is fine.
Rofe. It is passing fine.
Rob. But we do want rain.
Rose. Ay, sorely ! Is that all ?
Rob. {sighing'). That is all.
Rose. Good day, Master Robin !
Rob. Good day, Mistress Rose! {Both going both sto}>.}
Rose. ) I crave pardon, I
Rob. ] I beg pardon, I
Rose. You were about to say ?
Rob. I would fain consult you.
Rose. Truly?
Rob. It is about a friend.
Rose. In truth I have a friend myself.
224 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Rob. Indeed ? I mean, of course-
Rose. And I would fain consult you
Rob. (anxiously). About him ?
Rose (prudishly). About her.
Ro~b. (relieved). Let us consult one another.
DUET. ROBIN AND ROSE.
Hob. I know a youth who loves a little maid
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !)
Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid
(Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be !)
Rose. I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !)
Rob. Poor little man !
Rose. Poor little maid !
Rob. Poor little man !
Rose. Poor little maid !
Both. Now, tell me pray, and tell me true.
What in the world should the ( yo ^ g man \ do?
| maiden j
Rob. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !)
Daily he goes for to wail for to weep
(Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be !)
Rose. She's very thin and she's very pale
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
Daily she goes for to weep for to wail
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !)
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose, Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose. Poor little man !
Both, Now, tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the I >'H n S man } do ?
( maiden j
Rose. If I were the youth I should offer her my name
(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see !)
Rob. If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame
(Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be !)
Rose. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
Rob. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way
(For I really do believe that timid youth will die !)
Rose. Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose. Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 225
4 in i ^J ^! m
Both. I thank you, \ I for your counsel true ;
(. ir ) j
I'll tell that j Jg* ] what [ h h e e ] ought to do !
[Exit ROSE.
7?o&. Poor child ! I sometimes think that if she wasn't quite
so particular I might venture but no, no even then I should
be unworthy of her ! [//e sits desponding.
Enter OLD ADAM.
Adam. My kind master is sad ! Dear Sir Ruthven Murga-
troyd
jRob. Hush ! As you love me, breathe not that hated name.
Twenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that
hideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed
to the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day,
for life, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent
village under the name of Robin Oakapple. My younger
brother, Despard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the
title and its attendant curse. For twenty years I have been
dead and buried. Don't dig me up now.
Adam. Dear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not
sworn to obey you for ever in all things ? Yet, as we are here
alone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old
man to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you
by your own right title once more! (ROBIN assents.) Sir
Ruthven Murgatroyd ! Baronet ! Of Ruddigore ! Whew !
It's like eight hours at the seaside !
Bob. My poor old friend ! Would there were more like you !
Adam. Would there were indeed ! But I bring you good
tidings. Your foster-brother, Richard, has returned from sea
his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself is
even now in this very village !
Rob. My beloved foster-brother ? No, no it cannot be !
Adam. It is even so and see, he comes this way !
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids.
CHORUS.
From the briny sea
Comes young Richard, all victorious !
Valorous is he
His achievements all are glorious !
Let the welkin ring
With the news we bring
Sing it shout it
Tell about it-
Safe and sound returneth he !
All victorious from the sea !
III. y
225 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Enter RICHARD. The Girls welcome him as he greets old
acqiiain tances.
BALLAD. RICHARD.
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,
And, off Cape Finistere,
A merchantman we see,
A Frenchman, going free,
So we made for the bold Mounseer.
D'ye see ?
We made for the bold Mounseer.
But she proved to be a Frigate and she up with her ports,
And fires with a thirty-two !
It come uncommon near,
But we answered a cheer,
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo,
D'ye see ?
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo !
Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,
" That chap we need not fear,
We can take her, if we like,
She is sartin for to strike,
For she's only a darned Mounseer,
D'ye see ?
She's only a darned Mounseer !
But to fight a French fal-lal it's like hittin' of a gal-
It's a lubberly thing for to do ;
For we, with all our faults,
Why, we're sturdy British salts,
While she's only a Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
A miserable Parley-voo ! "
So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,
As we gives a compassionating cheer ;
Froggee answers with a shout
As he sees us go about,
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D'ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer !
And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek
(Which is what them furriners do),
And they blessed their lucky stars
We were hardy British tars
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D'ye see ?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo !
[Exeunt Chorus, as ROBIN comes forward.
Rob. Richard!
Rich. Robin !
Rob. My beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend,
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 227
welcome home again after ten long years at sea ! It is such
deeds as you have just described that cause our flag to be loved
and dreaded throughout the civilized world !
Rich. Why, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what we
have done in the way of sparing life. I believe I may say,
without exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has
spared more French frigates than any craft afloat ! But 'taint
for a British seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle
and belay. (ROBIN sighs.) But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's
brought you all a-cockbill?
Rob. Alas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain !
Rich. You love in vain ? Come, that's too good ! Why
you're a fine strapping muscular young fellow tall and strong
as a to'-gaU'n-m'st taut as a fore-stay ay, and a barrow-
knight to boot, if all had their rights !
Rob. Hush, Richard not a word about my true rank, which
none here suspect. Yes, 1 know well enough that few men are
better calculated to win a woman's heart than I. I'm a fine
fellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love happy the girl
who gets me, say I. But I'm timid, Dick; shy, nervous,
modest, retiring, diffident, and I cannot tell her, Dick, I
cannot tell her! Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I
have of myself, and how little I deserve it.
Rich. Robin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore
that, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts'
dictates ?
Rob. Ay, Dick, and I've always kept that oath. In doubt,
difficulty, and danger, I've always asked my heart what I should
do, and it has never failed me.
Rich. Right ! Let your heart be your compass, with a clear
conscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on
a bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands ! Well now,
what does my heart say in this here difficult situation ? Why,
it says, "Dick," it says (it calls me "Dick" acos it's known
me from a babby) " Dick," it says, " you ain't shy yoii ain't
modest speak you up for him as is ! '' Robin, my lad, just
you lay me alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee,
I'll spin her a yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together
for life !
Rob. Will you do this thing for me? Can you, do you
think? Yes. (Feeling his pulse.) There's no false modesty
about you. Your, what I would call bumptious self-assertive-
ness (I mean the expresssion in its complimentary sense), has
already made you a bos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral
of you in time, if you work it properly, you dear, incompetent
228 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
old irnposter ! My dear fellow, I'd give ray right arm for one
tenth of your modest assurance !
SONG. ROBIN.
My boy, you may take it from me
That, of all the afflictions accurst
With which a man's saddled
And hampered and addled,
A diffident nature's the worst.
Though clever as clever can be
A Crichton of early romance
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance,
If you wish iu the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance !
Now take, for example, my case :
I've a bright intellectual brain
In all London city
There's no one so witty
I've thought so again and again.
I've a highly intelligent face
My features cannot be denied
But, whatever I try, sir,
I fail in and why, sir?
I'm modesty personified !
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
As a poet, I'm tender and quaint
I've passion and fervour and grace
From Ovid and Horace
To Swinburne and Morris,
They all of them take a back place.
Then I sing and I play and I paint :
Though none are accomplished as I,
To say so were treason :
You ask me the reason?
I'm diffident, modest, and shy !
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
{Exit ROBIN.
Rich, (looking after Mm). Ab, it's a thousand pities he's
such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk !
Well, I'll do my best for him. " Plead for him as though it
was for your own father " that's what niy heart's a remarkin'
to me just now. But, here she conies ! Steady ! Steady it is !
Enter KOSE he is much struck ~by her.
By the Port Admiral, but she's a tight little craft ! Come,
come, she's not for you, Dick, and yet she's fit to marry Lord
THE WITCIPS CURSE. 229
Nelson ! By the Flag of Old England, I can't look at her
unmoved.
Hose. Sir, you are agitated.
Rich. Ay, ay, my lass, well said ! I am agitated, true
enough ! took flat aback, my girl ; but 'tis naught 'twill pass.
(Aside.) This here heart of mine's a dictatin' to me like any-
think. Question is, have I a right to disregard its promptings ?
Hose. Can I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it seemeth
to me that thouart in sore trouble? This apple (Off wring
a damaged apple.}
Rich, (looking at it and returning it). No, uiy lass, 'taint
that. I'm I'm took flat aback I never see anything like you
in all my born days. Parbuckle me, if you ain't the loveliest
gal I've ever set eyes on. There I can't say fairer than that,
can I ?
Hose. No. (Aside.) The question is, is it meet that an utter
stranger should thus express himself? (Refers to booh.) Yes,
"Always speak the truth."
Rich. I'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own
account, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but
when I see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is
the very lass for you, Dick speak up to her, Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos we was at school together) " tell her
all, Dick," it says, "never sail under false colours it's mean! "
That's what my heart tells me to say, and in my rough,
common-sailor fashion, I've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your
reply. I'm a treuiblin', miss. Lookye here. (Holding out his
hand.) That's narvousness !
Rose (aside). Now, how should a maiden deal with such an
one ? (Consults book.) " Keep no one in unnecessary suspense."
(Aloud.) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense.
{Refers to book.) <( In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with
apparent hesitation." (Aloud.) I take you, but with a certain
show of reluctance. (Refers to book.) " Avoid any appearance
of eagerness." (Aloud.) Though you will bear in mind that I
am far from anxious to do so. (Refers to book.) " A little show
of emotion will not be misplaced ! " (Aloud.) Pardon this tear !
( Wipes her eye.)
Rich. Rose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in
England! I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the
Fleet, no matter who he's a huggin' of at this present moment !
But, axin' your pardon, miss (iviping his lips with his hand),
might I be permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail
under ?
Rose (referring to book). " An engaged young lady should
230 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
not permit too many familiarities." (Aloud.} Once ! (RICHARD
kisses her)
DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE,
fiicfi. The battle's roar is over,
O my love !
Embrace thy tender lover,
O my love !
From tempests' welter,
From war's alarms,
O give me shelter
Within those arms !
Thy smile alluring,
All heart-ache curing,
Gives peace enduring,
O my love !
Rose. If heart both true and tender,
O my love !
A life-love can engender,
O my love !
A truce to sighing
And tears of brine,
For joy undying
Shall aye be mine,
And thou and I, love,
Shall live and die, love,
Without a sigh, love
My own, my love !
Enter ROBIN, with Chorus of Bridesmaids.
CHORUS.
If well his suit has sped,
Oh, may they soon be wed !
Oh, tell us, tell us, pray,
What doth the maiden say ?
In singing are we justified,
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride " ?
Rob. Well what news? Have you spoken to her?
Rich. Ay, my lad, I have so to speak spoke her.
Hob. And she refuses ?
Rich. Why, no, I can't truly say she do.
Rob. Then she accepts ! My darling ! (Embraces her.}
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
Let the nuptial knot be tied :
In fair phrases
Hymn their praises,
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
THE WITCH* S CURSE. 231
Rose (aside, referring to her book}. Now, what should a
maiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman ?
Rich. Belay, my lad, belay. You don't understand.
Rose. Oh, sir, belay, I beseech you !
Rich. You see, it's like this : she accepts but it's me !
Rol). You ! [RICHARD embraces ROSE.
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
When the nuptial knot is tied
Rob. (interrupting angrily*). Hold your tongues, will you !
Now then, what does this mean ?
Rich. My poor lad, my heart grieves for thee ; but it's like
this : the moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to
mention your name, my heart it up and it says, says it, " Dick,
you've fell in love with her yourself," it says. " Be honest and
sailor-like don't skulk under false colours speak up," it says,
" take her, you dog, and with her my blessin' ! "
BRIDESMAIDS.
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! "
Rob. Will you be quiet! Go away! (Chorus make faces
at him and exeunt.} Vulgar girls !
Rich. What could I do? I'm bound to obey my heart's
dictates.
Rob. Of course no doubt. It's quite right I don't mind
that is, not particularly only it's it is disappointing, you
know.
Rose (to ROBIN). Oh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst
seek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have
hearkened unto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner,
and very poor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and
thou hast fat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable
dairy farm, and much corn and oil !
Rich. That's true, my lass ; but it's done now, ain't it, Rob?
Rose. Still it maybe that I should not be happy in thy love.
I am passing young, and little able to judge. Moreover, as to
thy character I know naught !
Rob. Nay, Rose, I'll answer for that. Dick has won thy love
fairly. Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick through
thick and thin !
Diclc (with emotion). Thankye, messmate ! that's well said.
That's spoken honest. Thankye, Rob! (Grasps his hand.)
Rose. Yet methinks I have heard that sailors are but worldly
men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful lives !
Rob. And what then? Admit that Dick is not a steady
232 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
character, and that when he's excited he uses language that
would make your hair curl. Grant that he does. It's the
truth, and I'm not going to deny it. But look at his good
qualities. He's as nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the
talk of the fleet!
Bich. Thankye, Rob! That's well spoken. T hanky e Rob !
Hose. But it maybe that he drinketh strong waters which do
bemuse a man, and make him even, as the wild beasts of the
desert !
Bob. Well, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for
rum's his bane, and ever has been. He does drink I wou't
deny it. But what of that Look at his arms tattooed to
the shoulder ! (DiCK rolls up his sleeves.') No, no I won't hear
a word against Dick !
Bose. But they say that mariners are but rarely true to those
whom they profess to love !
Rob. Granted granted and I don't say that Dick isn't as
bad as any of 'em. (DiCK chuckles.) You are, you know you
are, you dog ! a devil of a fellow a regular out-and-out
Lothario! But what then? You caa't have everything, and
a better hand at turning-iu a dead-eye don't walk a deck !
And what an accomplishment that is in a family man ! No,
no not a word against Dick. I'll stick up for him through
thick and thin !
Eich. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've
acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them
no man should disobey.
ENSEMBLE. RICHARD, ROBIX, BOSE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide
Your heart should be your only guide ;
With summer sea and favouring wind
Yourself in port you'll surely find.
SOLO. RICHARD.
My heart says, " To this maiden strike
She's captured you.
She's just the sort of girl you like
You know you do.
If other man her heart should gain,
I shall resign."
That's what it says to me quite plain.
This heart of mine.
SOLO. ROBIX.
My heart says, "You've a prosperous lot.
With acres wide ;
You mean to settle all you've i_,ot
Upon your bride.
77JE WITCIPS CURSE. 233
It don't pretend to shape my acts
By word or sign ;
It merely states these simple facts,
This heart of mine !
SOLO. ROSE.
Ten minutes since my heart said " white"
It^now says "black."
It then said " left "it now says " right "
Hearts often tack.
I must obey its latest strain
You tell me so. [To RICHARD.
But should it change its mind again,
I'll let you know.
[Turning from RICHARD to ROBIN who embraces her.
E^ 7 SEMBLE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide'
No doubt the heart should be your guide,
But it is awkward when you find
A heart that does not know its mind !
[Exeunt ROBIN with ROSE and RICHARD, weepiny.
Enter MAD MARGARET. She is wildly dressed in picturesque
tatters, and is an obvious caricacture of theatrical mad-
ness.
. MARGARET.
Cheerily carols the lark
Over the cot.
Merrily whistles the clerk
Scratching a blot.
But the lark
And the clerk,
I remark,
Comfort me not !
Over the ripening peach
Buzzes the bee.
Splash on the billowy beach
Tumbles the sea.
But the peach
And the beach
They are each
Nothing to me !
And why ?
Who am I V
Daft Madge ! Crazy Meg !
Mad Margaret ! Poor Peg !
He ! he ! he ! ha ! he ! (Chuckling.)
234 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Mad, I ?
Yes, very !
But why ?
Mystery !
Don't call !
Whisht! whisht!
No crime
'Tis only
That I'm '
Love lonely !
That's all"!
Whisht! whisht!
BALLAD.
To a garden full of posies
Cometh one to gather flowers,
And he wanders through its bowers
Toying with the wanton roses,
Who, uprising from their beds,
Hold on high their shameless heads,
With their pretty lips a-pouting,
Never doubting never doubting
That for Cytherean posies
He would gather aught but roses !
In a nest of weeds and nettles,
Lay a violet, half-hidden,
Hoping that his glance unbidden
Yet might fall upon her petals,
Though she lived alone, apart,
Hope lay nestling at her heart,
But, alas, the cruel awaking
Set her little heart 1 abreaking,
For he gathered for his posies
Only roses only roses ! [Bursts into tears.
Enter ROSE.
Rose. A maiden, and in tears? Can I do aught to soften
tby sorrow? This apple (Offering apple.)
Mar. (examines it and rejects it). No ! {Mysteriously.') Tell
me, are you mad ?
Rose. I ? No ! That is, I think not.
Mar. That's well! Then you don't love Sir Despard
Murgatroyd ? All mad girls love him. / love him. I'm poor
Mad Margaret Crazy Meg Poor Peg ! He ! he ! he ! he !
( Chuckling.)
Rose. Thou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore ? Oh, horrible
too horrible?
Mar. You pity me ? Then be my mother ! The squirrel
had a mother ; but she drank, and the squirrel fled ! Hush !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 235
They sing a brave song in our parts it runs somewhat
thus : (Sings.")
" The cat and the dog and the little puppee
Sat down in a down in a in a "
I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes ! Listen
I've come to pinch her !
Rose. Mercy, whom !
Mar. You mean " who. 1 '
Rose. Nay ! it is the accusative after the verb.
Mar. True. ( Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to
pinch Rose Maybud !
Rose (aside, alarmed'). Rose Maybud !
Mar. Ay ! I love him he loved me once. But that's all
gone. Fisht ! He gave me an Italian glance thus (Business.)
and made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and
make her his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her stamp
on her stamp on her ! Did you ever kill anybody ? No ?
Why not? Listen I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed,
and I wouldn't have it. So it died pop ! So shall she !
Rose. But behold, / am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not
die " pop."
Mar. You are Rose Maybud !
Rose. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud !
Mar. Strange ! They told me she was beautiful ! And he
loves you ! No, no ! If I thought that, I would treat you as
the auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird I would
rend you asunder !
Rose. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another,
and lo, we are to be wedded this very clay !
Mar. Swear me that ! Come to a Commissioner and let me
have it on affidavit! / once made an affidavit but it died
it died it died ! But see, they come Sir Despard and his
evil crew ! Hide, hide they are all mad quite mad !
Rose. What makes you think that ?
Mar. Hush ! They sing choruses in public. That's mad
enough, I think ! Go hide away, or they will seize you.
Hush ! Quite softly quite, quite softly !
[Exeunt together, on tiptoe.
Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded ly Chorus of
Bridesmaids.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
236 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Men of station,
Admiration
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greeting offer we !
Your exceeding-
Easy breeding
Just the thing our hearts to pillage-
Cheers us, charms us,
Quite disarms us :
Welcome, welcome, to our village ;
To our village welcome be !
CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES.
"When thoroughly tired
Of being admired
By ladies of gentle degree degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee we flee !
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we
All From charms intramural, etc.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in the village
Are people of lowly degree degree.
Though honest and active
They're most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be can
They're clumsy clodhoppers
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen,
And drovers and cowmen,
And hedgers and reapers,
And carters and keepers,
But never a lover for me !
All. They're clumsy clodhoppers, etc.
All. So welcome, gentry
Sets j ^[j. ; tender hearts a-beatiug, etc.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 237
Enter SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD.
SONG AND CHORUS. SIR DESPARD.
Sir D. Oh, why am I moody and sad V
Ch. Can't guess !
Sir D. And why am I guiltily mad ?
Ch. Confess !
Sir D. Because I am thoroughly bad !
Ch. Oh yes
Sir D. You'll see it at once in my face.
Oh, why am I husky and hoarse ?
Ch. Ah, why ?
Sir 2). It's the workings of conscience, of course.
Ch. Fie, fie !
Sir D. And huskiness stands for remorse,
Ch. Oh my !
Sir D. At least it does so in my case !
Sir D. When in crime one is fully employed
Ch. Like you
Sir D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed :
Ch. It do.
Sir D. It's a penalty none can avoid ;
Ch. How true!
Sir D. I once was a nice-looking youth ;
But like stone from a strong catapult
Ch. (explaining to each other). A trice
Sir 1). I rushed at my terrible cult
Ch. (explaining to each other). That's vice
Sir D. Observe the unpleasant result !
Ch. Not nice.
Sir D. Indeed I am telling the truth !
Sir D. Ob, innocent, happy though poor !
Ch. That's we
Sir D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure
Ch. Like me
Sir D. I should be as nice-looking as you're !
Ch. May be.
Sir D. You are very nice-looking indeed !
Oh, innocents, listen in time
Ch. We doe,
Sir D, Avoid an existence of crime
Ch. Just so
Sir D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm
Ch. (loudly). No! No!
Sir D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed.
[All the Girls express their horror of SIR DESPARD. As
he approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken,
leaving him alone on the stage.
Sir. D. Poor children, how they loathe me me whose hands
are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart
238 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
of a little child ! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a
whole picture-gallery of ancestors step down from their frames
and threaten him with an excruciating death, if he hesitate
to commit his daily crime ? But, ha 1 ha ! I am even with
them ! {Mysteriously.} I get my crime over the first thing in
the morning, and then, ha ! ha ! for the rest of the day I do
good I do good I do good ! {Melodramatically.'} Two days
since, I stole a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday
I robbed a bank and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry
off Hose May bud, and atone with a cathedral ! This is what
it is to be the sport and toy of a Picture Gallery ! But I
will be bitterly revenged upon them! I will give them all
to the Nation, and nobody shall ever look upon their faces
again !
Enter RICHARD.
Rich. Ax your honour's pardon, but
Sir D. Ha ! observed ! And by a marin.r ! What would
you with me, fellow ?
Rich. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's man, becalmed
in the doldrums.
Sir D. I don't know them.
Rich. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does
your honour know what it is to have a heart ?
Sir D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete
apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through
the veins and arteries of the human body.
Rich. Ay, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks
you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life
and death to disobey V
Sir D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a
Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.
Rich. Well, your honour, it's like this. Your honour had an
elder brother
Sir D. It had.
Rich. Who should have inherited your title and, with it, its
cuss.
Sir D. Ay ; but he died. Oh, Ruthven !
Rich. He didn't.
Sir D. He did not ?
Rich. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here very
village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going to
marry Rose Maybud this very day.
Sir D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud !
Can this be possible ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 239
Rich. Now tho question 1 was going to ask your honour is
ought I to tell your honour this ?
Sir D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you
ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so.
Rich. That's what my heart says. It says, " Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty) " that
there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he
really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young
gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to
bring her to ? No," it says, " you did not ought." And I won't
ought, accordin'.
Sir D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me that
my elder brother lives that I may charge him with his cruel
deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under
which I have laboured for so many years ! Free free at last !
Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted by
all who knew me !
DUET. Siu DKSPAUD AND RICHARD.
Rich. You understand ?
Sir D. I think I do ;
With vigour unshaken
This step shall be taken.
It's neatly planned.
Rich. I think so too ;
I'll readily bet it
You'll never regret it !
Both. For duty, duty must be done ;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee !
Sir D. The bridegroom comes
Rich. Likewise the bride
The maidens are very
Elated and merry ;
They are her chums.
Sir 1). To lash their pride
Were almost a pity,
The pretty committee !
Both. But duty, duty must be done,
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee !
{Exeunt RICHARD and SIR DESPAKD
240 RUDDIGORE : OR,
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the bride of seventeen summers ;
In fair phrases
Hymn her praises ;
Lift your song on high, all comers.
She rejoices
In your voices.
Smiling summer bears upon her,
Shedding every blessing on her :
Maidens, greet her
Kindly treat her
You may all be brides some clay !
CHORUS OF BUCKS.
Hail the bridegroom who advances,
Agitated,
Yet elated.
He's in easy circumstances,
Young and lusty,
True and trusty :
Happiness untold awaits them
When the parson consecrates them ;
People near them,
Loudly cheer them
You'll be bridegrooms some fine day !
Enter ROBIN, attended % RICHARD and OLD ADAM, meeting
ROSE, attended ~by ZORAH and DAME HANNAH. ROSE and
ROBIN embrace.
MADRIGAL.
Piose. Where the buds are blossoming,
Smiling welcome to the spring,
Lovers choose a wedding-day-
Life is love in merry May !
Girls. Spring is green Fal lal la !
Summer's rose Fal lal la !
All. It is sad when summer goes,
Fal la !
Men. Autumn's gold Fal lal la !
Winter's gray Fal lal la !
AIL Winter still is far away
Fal la !
Leaves in autumn fade and fall,
Winter is the end of all.
Spring and summer teem with glee :
Spring and summer, then, for me !
Fal la !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 241
Hannah. In the spring-time seed is sown :
In the summer grass is mown :
In the autumn you may reap :
Winter is the time for sleep.
Giils. Spring is hope Fal lal la !
Summer's joy Fal lal la !
-I//. Spring and summer never cloy,
Fal la !
Men. Autumn, toil Fal lal la !
Winter, rest Fal lal la !
All. Winter, after all, is best
Fal la !
All. Spring and summer pleasure you,
Autumn, ay, and winter too
Every season has its cheer
Life is lovely all the vear !
Fal la !
GAVOTTE.
After Gavotte, enter SIR DESPARD.
Sir D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other,
I claim young Robin as my elder brother !
Hob. (aside). Ah, lost one !
tiir D. His rightful title I have long enjoyed :
I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd !
Hose, (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should.
It is a plot !
Hob. I would, if conscientiously I could,
But I cannot !
All. Ah, base one !
SOLO. ROBIX.
As pure and blameless peasant,
I cannot, I regret,
Deny a truth unpleasant,
I am that Baronet !
All. He is that Baronet !
But when completely rated
Bad baronet am I,
That I am what he's stated
I'll recklessly deny !
AIL He'll recklessly deny !
Hob. When I'm a bad bart. I will tell taradiddles !
All. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad bart.
jiub. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles.
All. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part !
Jiob. But until that takes place I must be conscientious
All. He'll be conscientious until that takerf place.
Rob. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious !
All. To morals sententious adieu with good grace !
Zor. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee?
Let him stand forth !
III. ll
242 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Rich, (coming forward). 'Twas I !
All. Die, traitor !
Rich. Hold, my conscience made me !
Withhold your wrath !
SOLO. RICHARD.
Within this breast there beats a heart
Whose voice can't be gainsaid.
It bade me thy true rank impart,
And I at once obeyed.
I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate
I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great
But did I therefore hesitate '?
No ! I at once obeyed !
All. Acclaim him who, when his true heart
Bade him young Robin 1 s rank impart,
Immediately obeyed !
SOLO. ROSE (addressing ROBIX).
Farewell !
Thou hadst my heart
'Twas quickly won !
But now we part
Thy face I shun !
Farewell !
Go bend the knee
At Vice's shrine,
Of life with me
All hope resign.
Farewell !
(To Sir Dcspard.) Take me I am thy bride !
Hurrah !
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
W T hen the nuptial knot is tied ;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy !
Enter MARGARET, ivho listens.
Sir 1). Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now
-Rose. That's why I wed you !
Sir D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow !
Mar. Have I misread you?
Oh, joy ! with newly kindled rapture warmed,
I kneel before you ! [Kneels.
Sir D. I once disliked you ; now that I've reformed,
How I adore you ! [ They embrace.
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
When the nuptial knot is tied ;
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 243
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy !
Rose. Richard, of him I love bereft,
Through thy design,
Thou art the only one that's left,
So I am thine ! [ The]] embrace.
BRIDESMAIDS. -
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
Let the nuptial knot be tied !
DUET. ROSE AND RICHARD.
Oh, happy the lily
When kissed by the bee ;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he ;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride ;
But happier than any
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride !
DUET. SIR DESPARD AND MARGARET.
Oh, happy the flowers
That blossom in June,
And happy the bowers
That gain by the boon,
But happier by hours
The man of descent,
Who, folly regretting,
Is bent on forgetting
His bad baroneting,
And means to repent !
TRIO. HANNAH, ADAM, AND ZORAH.
Oh, happy the blossom
That blooms on the lea,
Likewise the opossom
That sits on a tree,
But when you come across 'em,
They cannot compare,
With those who are treading
The dance at a wedding,
While people are spreading
The best of good fare !
SOLO. ROBIN.
Oh, wretched the debtor
Who's signing the deed !
And wretched the letter
That no one can read !
244 RUDDIGORE; OR,
But very much better
Their lot it must be
Than that of the person
I'm making this verse on,
Whose head there's a curse on-
Alluding to me !
Bepeat Ensemble with Chorus.
DANCE.
[At the end of the dance ROBIN falls senseless on the
stage. Picture.
ACT II.
SCENE. Picture Gallery in Buddigore Castle. The walls are
covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of Buddi-
f/orefrom the time of JAMES I. the first being that of SIR
RUPERT, alluded to in the legend ; the last, that of the last
deceased Baronet, SIR RODERIC.
Enter ROBIN and ADAM, melodramatically. They are greatly
altered in appearance, ROBIN ivearing the haggard aspect of
a guilty roue ; ADAM, that of the wicked steward to such
a man.
DUET. RODIX AND ADAM.
Jlo'i. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb.
I'm now Sir Murgatroyd ha ! ha !
With greater precision,
(Without the elision)
Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd ha ! ha !
Adam. And I, who was once his ralley-de-sham,
As steward I'm now employed ha ! ha !
The dickens may take him
I'll never forsake him !
As steward I'm now emploj^ed ha ! ha !
Both. How dreadful when an innocent heart
Becomes, perforce, a bad j T oung Bart.,
And still more hard on old Adam
His former faithful valley-de-sham!
Bob. This is a painful state of things, Old Adam !
Adam. Painful, indeed ! Ah, my poor master, when I swore
that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever,
1 little thought to what a pass it would bring me ! The con-
fidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung ! Now, sir, to
business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 245
Rob. How should I know ? As my confidential adviser, it's
your duty to suggest something.
Adam. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good old
man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is
here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their
marriage. Poison their beer.
Hob. No not that I know I'm a bad Burt., but I'm not as
bad a Bart, as all that.
Adam. Well, there you are, you see ! It's no use my making
suggestions if you don't adopt them.
Rob. (melodramatically'). How would it be, do you think,
were I to lure him here with cunning wile bind him with good
stout rope to yonder post and then, by making hideous faces
at him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very
marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme
well planned?
Adam. It would be simply rude nothing more. But soft
they come!
ADAM and ROBIX retire up as RICHARD and RO.SE enter, preceded
by Chorus of Bridesmaids.
DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE.
/.'(Vi. Happily coupled are we,
You see
I am a jolly Jack Tar,
My star,
And you are the fairest,
The richest and rarest
Of innocent lasses, you are,
By far
Of innocent lasses you are !
Fanned by a favouring gale,
You'll sail
Over life's treacherous sea
With me,
And as for bad weather,
We'll brave it together,
And you shall creep under my Ice,
My wee !
And you shall creep under my lee !
For you are such a smart little craft-
Such a neat little, sweet little craft.
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft !
Chorus. For she is such, etc.
246 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Rose. My hopes will be blighted, I fear.
My dear;
In a month you'll be going to sea,
Quite free,
And all of my wishes
You'll throw te the fishes
As though they were never to be ;
Poor me !
As though they were never to be,
And I shall be left all alone
To moan,
And weep'at your cruel deceit,
Complete ;
While you'll be asserting
Your freedom by flirting
With every woman you meet,
You cheat
With every woman you meet !
Though I am such a smart little craft-
Such a neat little, sweet little craft.
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft !
Chorus. Though she is such, etc.
Enter ROBIN.
Rob. Soho ! pretty one in my power at last, eh ? Know ye
not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bid-
ding, would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.)
What ho ! within there !
Rich. Hold we are prepared for this. (Producing a Union
Jack.) Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while
this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does
not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her !
Rol>. Foiled and by a Union Jack ! But a time will come,
and then
Rose. Nay, let rne plead with him. (To ROBIN.) Sir Ruthven,
have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about
to be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet
with a curse on him, is not considered. Time was when you
loved me madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by accord-
ing your consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not
you yourself, is the next best thing your dearest friend !
BALLAD. ROSE.
In bygone days I had thy love,
Thou liadst my heart.
But Fate, all human vows above,
Our lives did part !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 247
By the old love them hadst for me,
By the fond heart that beat for thee
By joys that never now can be,
Grant thou my prayer !
AIL (kncdiny}. Grant thou her prayer !
Rob. (rccit.). Take her I yield.
All. (rccit.). Oh, rapture !
Chorus. Away to the parson we go
Say we're solicitous very
That he will turn two into one-
Singing hey, clerry down derry !
Rich. For she is such a smart little craft.
Rose. Such a neat little, sweet little craft
Rich. Such a bright little
Rose. Tight little
Rich. Slight little
Rose. Light little
Both. Trim little, slim little craft !
Chorus. For she is such a smart little craft, etc.
[Exeunt all but ROBIN.
Rob. For a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom ! I have
duly committed a crime a-day ! Not a great crime, I trust, but
still in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be, a
crime. But will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what
I have done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge ?
{Addressing Pictures?) Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood,
there came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and
every, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome
Death to free you from your cloying guiltiness. Let the sweet
psalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and
tune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity ! (Kneeling?)
[The stage darkens for ci moment. It becomes light again,
and the Pictures are seen to have become animated.
CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITS.
Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each from his accustomed place
Steps into the world once more.
[The Pictures step from their frames and march round
the stage.
Baronet of Ruddigore,
Last of our accursed line,
Down upon the oaken floor- -
Down upon those knees of thine.
Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer,
Brbckhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer,
248 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper,
Sniffler, snuffler, waller, weeper,
Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil !
Set upon thy course of evil
Lest the King of Spectre-Land
Set on thee his grisbr hand !
[The spectre of SIR RODEKIC descends from his frame.
Sir Rod. By the curse upon our race
Chorus. Dead and hearsed
All accursed !
Sir Rod. Each inheriting this place
Chorus. Sorrows shake it !
Devil take it !
Sir Rod. Must, perforce, or yea or nay
Chorus. Yea or naying
Be obeying !
Sir Hod. Do a deadly crime each day !
Chorus. Fire and Thunder,
We knocked under
Some atrocious crime committed
Daily ere the world we quitted !
Sir Rod. Beware ! beware ! beware !
Rob. Gaunt vision, who art thou,
That thus, with icy glare
And stern relentless brow,
Appearest, who knows how ?
Sir Rod. J am the spectre of the late
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
Who comes to warn thee that thy fate
Thou canst not now avoid.
Rob. Alas, poor ghost !
Sir Rod. The pity you
Express, for nothing goes :
We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose !
Chorus. Yes ! yes !
We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose !
Ha ! ha !
SONG. SIR RODERIC.
When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the
moonlight flies,
And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight skies
When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs bay
the moon,
Then is the spectre's holiday then is the ghosts' high-noon !
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
Then is the ghosts' high-noon !
As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the_trees, and the mists lie low.on
the fen,
From grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women
and men,
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 249
And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that cads too soon,
For cockcrow limits our holiday the dead of the night's high- noon i
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
The dead of the night's high-noon !
And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds
take flight.
With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim "good-
night ; "
Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its j oiliest tune,
And ushers our next high holiday the dead of the night's high-noon !
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
The dead of the night's high-noon !
Rob. I recognize you now you are the picture that han^s at
the end of the gallery.
Sir Rod. In a bad light. I am.
Rob. Are you considered a good likeness ?
Sir Rod. Pretty well. Flattering.
Rob. Because, as a work of art you are poor.
Sir Rod. I am crude in colour, but I have only been painted
ten years. In a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master,
and then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me.
Rob. And may I ask why you have left your frames ?
Sir Rod. It is our duty to see that our successors commit
their daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion.
It is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions
under which you are permitted to exist.
Rob. Keally I don't know what you'd have. I've only been
a bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually
every day.
Sir Rod. Let us inquire into this. Monday?
Rob. Monday was a Bank Holidav.
Sir Rod. True. Tuesday?
Rob. On Tuesday I made a false income-tax return.
All. Ha ! ha !
1st Ghost. That's nothing.
2nd Ghost. Nothing at all.
3rd Ghost. Everybody does that.
4th Ghost. It's expected of you.
Sir Rod. Wednesday ?
Rob. (melodramatically). On Wednesday I forged a will.
Sir Rod. Whose will ?
Rob. My own.
Sir Rod. My good sir, you can't forge your own will !
Rob. Can't I, though! I like that! I did! Besides, if a
man can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge?
250 RUDDIGORE j OA\
Ghost. There's something in that.
2nd Ghost. Yes ; it seems reasonable.
3rd Ghost. At first sight it does.
4th Ghost. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy !
Rob. A man can do what he likes with his own ?
Sir Hod. I suppose he can.
Rob. Well, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid! On
Thursday I shot a fox.
1st Ghost. Hear, hear !
Sir Hod. That's better. (Addressing Ghosts.) Pass the
fox, I think? (They assent.} Yes, pass the fox. Friday?
Rob. On Friday I forged a cheque.
Sir Rod. Whose cheque ?
Rob. Old Adam's.
Sir Rod. But old Adam hasn't a banker.
Rob. I didn't say I forged his banker I said I forged his
cheque. On Saturday I disinherited my only son.
Sir Rod. But you haven't got a son.
Rob. No not yet. I disinherited him in advance, to save
time. You see by this arrangement he'll be born ready
disinherited.
Sir Rod. I see. But I don't think you can do that.
Rob. My good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son,
whose unborn son can I disinherit ?
Sir Rod. Humph ! These arguments sound very well, but
I can't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic
form, they wouldn't hold water. Now quite understand us.
We are foggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed
upon. Unless you undertake to well, suppose we say, carry
off a lady ? (Addressing Ghosts.) Those who are in favour of
his carrying off a lady - (All hold up their hands except a
Bishop.) Those of the contrary opinion? (Bishop holds up
his hands. ) Oh, you're never satisfied ! Yes, unless you under-
take to carry off a lady at once I don't care what lady
any lady choose your lady you perish in inconceivable
agonies.
Rob. Carry off a lady? Certainly not, on any account. I've
the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything of
the kind for worlds ! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet
I assure you ! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go
back to your frames.
Sir Rod. Very good then let the agonies commence.
[Ghosts make passes. KOBIN begins to ivrithe in agony.
Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Don't do that ! I can't stand it !
Sir Rod. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 251
Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Stop a bit ! Stop it, will you ? I want to
speak.
[SiR KODERIC makes signs to Ghosts, wlio resume their
attitudes.
Sir Hod. Better ?
Eob. Yes better now ! Whew !
Sir Hod. Well, do you consent ?
Rob. But it's such an ungentlcmanly thing to do !
Sir Rod. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on !
Rob. Stop I can't stand it ! I agree ! I promise ! It shall
be done !
Sir Rod. To-day?
Eob. To-day!
Sir Rod. At once ?
Rob. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it
was anything like that !
CHORUS.
He yields ! He answers to our call !
We do not ask for more.
A sturdy fellow, after all,
This latest Euddigore !
All perish in unheard-of woe
Who dare our wills defy ;
We want your pardon, ere we go,
For having agonized you so
So pardon us
So pardon us
So pardon us
Or die !
Rob. I pardon you !
I pardon you !
AU. He pardons us
Hurrah !
[The Ghosts return to their frames.
Chorus. Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each to his accustomed place
Steps unwillingly, once more !
\_By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again.
ROBIN is overcome by emotion.
Enter ADAM.
Adam. My poor master, you are not well
Rob. Gideon Crawle, it won't do I've seen 'em all my
ancestors they're just gone. They say that I must do some-
252 RUDDJGORE , OR,
thing desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go go
to yonder village carry off a maiden bring her here at once
any one I don't care which
Adam. But
Hob. Not a word, but obey ! Fly ! [Exit. APAM.
RECITATIVE AND SOXG. ROBIX.
Away, Remorse !
Compunction, hence !
Go, Moral Force !
Go, Penitence !
To Virtue's plea
A long farewell-
Propriety,
I ring your knell !
Come guiltiness of deadliest hue,
Come desperate deeds of derring do !
Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times
I've promised to perpetrate daily ;
To-morrow I start, with a petrified heart,
On a regular course of Old Bailey.
There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking,
And several other disgraces
There's postage-stamp prigging, and then, thimble-rigging,
The three-card delusion at races !
Oh ! a Baronet's rank is exceedingly nice,
But the title's uncommonly dear at the price !
Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the shires,
Where petty distinctions are vital,
Who found Athenreums and local museums,
With views to a baronet's title
Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers
Who sneer at all things that are tradey
Whose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives
Who long to parade as " My Lady,"
Oh ! allow me to offer a word of advice,
The title's uncommonly dear at the price !
Ye supple M.P.'s, who go down on your knees,
Your precious identity sinking,
And vote black or white as your leaders indite
(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),
For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame,
You don't care the snuff of a candle
But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name
Will be graced by a baronet's handle
Oh ! allow me to give you a word of advice
The title's uncommonly dear at the price !
[Exit ROBIN.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 253
Enter SIR DESPARD and MARGARET. Tliey are loth dressed in
sober black of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to
their appearance in Act 1.
DUET.
Des. I once was a very abandoned person
Mar. Making the most of evil chances.
Des. Nobody could conceive a worse 'un
Mar. Even in all the old romances.
DCS. I blush for my wild extravagances,
But be so kind
To bear in mind,
Mar. We were the victims of circumstances ! [Dance.
That is one of our blameless dances.
Mar. I was an exceedingly odd young lady
'Des. Suffering much from spleen and vapours.
Mar. Clergymen thought my conduct shady
Des. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers.
Mar. It certainly entertained the gapers.
My ways were strange
Beyond all range
Des. And paragraphs got into all the papers. [Dance.
Des. We only cut respectable capers.
Des. I've given up all my wild proceedings.
Mar. My taste for a wandering life is waning.
Des. Now I'm a dab at penny-readings.
Mar. They are not remarkably entertaining.
Des. A moderate livelihood we're gaining.
Mar. In fact we rule
A National School.
DCS. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining, [Dunce.
This sort of thing takes a deal of training !
Des. We have been married a week.
Mar. One happy, happy week !
Dts. Our new Hie
Mar. Is delightful indeed!
Des. So calm !
Mar. So unimpassioned ! {Wildly.) Master, all this I owe
to you ! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is
combed. My face is washed. My boots fit !
Des. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself, liemember,
you are now a district visitor.
Mar. A gentle district visitor !
Des. You are orderly, methodical, neat ; you have your
emotions well under control.
Mar. I have ! (Wildly.) Master, when I think of all you
have done for me, I fall at your feet. I embrace your ankles.
I hug your knees ! (Doing so.)
254 RUDDIGORE; OR,
Des. Hush. This is not well. This is calculated to provoke
remark. Be composed, I beg /
Mar. Ah ! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret !
Des. No, not angry ; but a district visitor should learn to
eschew melodrama. Visit the poor, by all means, and give
them tea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were ad-
ministering a bowl of deadly nightshade. It upsets them.
Then, when you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as
could be expected, why go into hysterics ?
Mar. Why not ?
Des. Because it's too jumpy for a sick-room.
Mar. How strange ! Oh, Master ! Master ! how shall I
express the all-absorbing gratitude that (About to throw
herself at his feet.)
Des. Now! (Warningfy.)
Mar. Yes, I know, dear it shan't occur again. (He is seated
she sits on the ground by him.) Shall I tell you one of poor
Mad Margaret's odd thoughts ? Well, then, when I am lying
awake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the
latticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad
brain, and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some
word for you to use whenever I am about to relapse some
word that teems with hidden meaning like " Basingstoke " it
might recall me to my saner self. For, after all, 1 am only
Mad Margaret ! Daft Meg ! Poor Meg ! He ! he ! he !
Des. Poor child, she wanders ! But soft some one comes.
Margaret, pray recollect yourself Basiugstoke, I beg ! Mar-
garet, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously
angry.
Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is !
Des. Then make it so.
Enter ROBIN. He starts on seeing them.
Rob. Despard ! And his young wife ! This visit is un-
expected.
Mar. Shall I fly at him ? Shall I tear him limb from limb ?
Shall I rend him asunder ? Say but the word, and
Des. Basingstoke!
Mar. (suddenly demure). Basingstoke it is !
Des. (aside). Then make it so. {Aloud.) My brother I
call you brother stili, despite your horrible profligacy we
have come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which
you have committed yourself, and at any cost to become a pure
and blameless ratepayer.
Hob. But I've done no wrong yet.
THE WITCirs CURSE. 255
Mar. (wildly"). No wrong ! Pie has done no wrong ! Did
you hear that !
Des. Basingstoke.
Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is.
Des. My brother I still call you brother, you observe you
forget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet
of Ruddigore for ten years and you are therefore responsible
in the eye of the law for all the misdeeds committed by the
unhappy gentleman who occupied your place.
Rob. I see ! Bless my heart, I never thought of that ! Was
I very bad ?
Des. Awful. Wasn't he? (To MARGARET.)
Rob. And I've been going on like this for how long ?
Des. Ten years ! Think of all the atrocities you have com-
mitted by attorney as it were during that period. Remember
how you trifled with this poor child's affections how you raised
her hopes on high (don't cry, my love Basingstoke, you know),
only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very
zenith of their fulness. Oh, fie, sir, fie she trusted you !
Rob. Did she ? What a scoundrel I must have been ! There,
there don't cry, my dear (to MARGARET, ^vho is sobbing on
ROBIN'S breast}, it's all right now. Birmingham you know-
Birmingham
Mar. (sobbing). It's Ba Ba Basingstoke !
Rob. Basingstoke ! of course it is Basingstoke.
Mar. Then make it so !
Rob. There, there it's all right he's married you now
that is, I've married you. (Turning to DESPARD.) I say, which
of us has married her ?
Des. Oh, I've married her.
Rob. (aside). Oh, I'm glad of that. (To MARGARET.) Yes, he's
married you now (passing her over to DESPARD), and anything
more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've
never even heard of. But my mind is made up I will defy
my ancestors. I will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by
courting death, atone in some degree for the infamy of my
career !
Mar. I knew it I knew it. God bless you. (Hysterically.')
Des. Basingstoke !
Mar. Basingstoke it is ! (Recovers herself.)
PATTER-TRIO.
ROBIN, DESPARD AND MARGARET.
liob. My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration.
256 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses,
And I don't care twopence halfpenny for any consequences.
Xow, I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger,
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger,
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter,
But I've got to die to-morrow, so it really doesn't matter !
DCS. So it really doesn't matter
Mar. So it really doesn't matter
All. So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
Mar. If I were not a little mad and generally silly,
I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy nilly ;
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question,
And you'd really be astonished at the force of my suggestion.
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,
But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,
So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter !
DCS. Her opinion doesn't matter
Rob. Her opinion doesn't matter
All. Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
Des. If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother
Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another
"Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was
erring,
(Which is just the very favour which on you I am conferring).
My story would have made a rather interesting idyll,
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle.
This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter !
Rob. If it is it doesn't matter
Mar. If it ain't it doesn't matter
All. If it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
[.Exeunt DESPARD and MARGARET.
Enter ADAM.
Adam (guiltily). Master the deed is done !
Rob. What deed?
Adam. She is here alone, unprotected.
Bob. Who?
Adam. The maiden. I've carried her off- 1 had a hard task,
for she fought like a tiger-cat !
Rob. Great Heaven, I had forgotten her! I Lad hoped to
have died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again and by a
tiger-cat ! Produce her and leave us !
[ADAM introduces OLD HANNAH, very much excited, and
exit.
Rob. Dame Hannah ! This is this is not what I expected.
Han. Well, sir, and what would you with me? Oh, you
have begun bravely bravely indeed ! Unappalled by the calm
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 257
dignity of blameless womanhood, your minion has torn me
from my spotless home, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking,
through hedges, over stiles, and across a very difficult country,
and left me, helpless and trembling, at your mercy ! Yet not
helpless, coward sir, for, approach one step nay, but the
twentieth part of one poor inch and this poniard (produces a
very small dagger) shall teach ye what it is to lay unholy
hands on old Stephen Trusty's daughter!
Hob. Madam, I am extremely sorry for this. It is not at all
what I intended anything more correct more deeply respectful
than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible for
any one however particular to desire.
Han. Bah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words,
hypocrite ! But be warned in time, for there are without, a
hundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack hitn
limb from limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen
Trusty's daughter !
Rob. And this is what it is to embark upon a career of un-
licensed pleasure !
[HANNAH, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of
the armed figures, throws her small dagger to KOBIN.
Han. Harkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am
your poor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of
myself you are very much mistaken. Now then, it's one to
one, and let the best man win ! (Making for him.)
Rob. (in an agony of terror). Don't! don't look at me like
that ! I can't bear it ! Koderic ! Uncle ! Save me !
RODERIC enters, up trap in centre of stage. He is visible only
as far as the ivaist.
Rod. What is the matter? Have you carried her off?
Rob. I have she is there look at her she terrifies me
Come quite up and save me !
Rod. (looking at HANNAH). Little Nannikin !
Han. (amazed.) Koddy-doddy !
Rod. My own old love! (Comes completely through trap.)
Why, how came you here ?
Han. This brute he carried me off! Bodily! But I'll
show him ! {About to rush at ROBIN.)
Rod. Stop! (To ROB.) What do you mean by carrying off
this lady? Are you aware that, once upon a time she was
engaged to be married to me? I'm very angry very angry
indeed.
Rob. Now, I hope this will be a lesson to you in future, not
to-
III. S
258 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Rod. Hold your tongue, sir.
Rob. Yes, uncle.
Rod. Have you given him any encouragement ?
Han. (to ROB). Have I given you any encouragement?
Frankly now, have I?
Rob. No. Frankly, you have not. Anything more scrupu-
lously correct than your conduct it would be impossible to
desire.
Rod. You go away.
Rob. Yes, uncle. [Exit ROBIN.
Rod. This is a strange meeting after so many years !
Han. Very. I thought you were dead.
Rod. I am. I died ten years ago.
Han. And are you pretty comfortable ?
Rod. Pretty well that is yes, pretty well.
Han. You don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the while,
dear ; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all your
goings on, you bad, bad boy !
BALLAD. HANNAH.
There grew a little flower
'Neath a great oak tree :
When the tempest 'gan to lower
Little heeded she :
No need had she to cower,
For she dreaded not its power
She was happy in the bower
Of her great oak tree !
Sing hey,
Lackaday !
Let the tears fall free
For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree !
Both. Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
When she found that he was fickle,
Was that great oak tree,
She was in a pretty pickle,
As she well might be
But his gallantries were mickle
For Death followed with his sickle,
And her tears began to trickle
For her great oak tree !
Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
Said she, " He loved me never,
Did that great oak tree,
But I'm neither rich nor clever,
And so why should he ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 259
But though fate our fortunes sever,
To be constant I'll endeavour,
Ay, for ever and for ever,
To my great oak tree ! "
Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
[Falls weeping on RODERIC'S bosom.
Enter ROBIN, excitedly, followed by all the diameters and
Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Rol). Stop a bit both of you.
Rod. This intrusion is unmannerly.
Han. I'm surprised at you.
Rob. I can't stop to apologize an idea has just occurred to
me. A Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to
commit his daily crime.
Rod. No doubt.
Rob. Therefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is tanta-
mount to suicide !
Rod. It would seem so.
Rob. But suicide is, itself, a crime and so, by your own
showing, you ought never to have died at all !
Rod. I see I understand ! Then I'm practically alive !
Rob. Undoubtedly ! (SiR ROBERIC embraces HANNAH.) Rose,
when you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you
loved me ?
Rose. Madly, passionately !
Rob. But when I became a bad baronet, you very properly
loved Richard instead ?
Rose. Passionately, madly !
Rob. But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after
all, how would you love me then ?
Rose. Madly, passionately !
Rob. As before ?
Rose. Why, of course !
Rob. My darling! (Tliej embrace.)
Rich. Here, I say, belay.
Rose. Oh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary.
Rob. Belay ? Certainly not !
FINALE.
Rob. Having been a wicked baronet a week,
Once again a modest livelihood I seek,
Agricultural employment
Is to me a keen enjoyment,
For I'm naturallv diffident and meek !
260 RUDD1GORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE.
Rose. When a man has been a naughty baronet,
And expresses his repentance and regret,
You should help him if you're able,
Like the rnousie in the fable.
That's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette.
lli:h. If you ask rne why I do not pipe my eye,
Like an honest British sailor, I reply,
That with Zorah for my missis,
There'll be bread and cheese and kisses,
Which is just the sort of ration I enjye !
DCS. and Mar. Prompted by a keen desire to evoke,
All the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke,
W T e shall toddle off to-morrow,
From this scene of sin and sorrow,
For to settle in the town of Basingstoke !
All. 'For happy the lily
That's kissed by the bee ;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he ;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride ;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride !
CUETAIN.
THE
YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
OK,
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID
A XE\V AXD ORIGINAL OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
produced at the Savoy Theatre, Lvndon, under the management of
MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE, OH Wednesday, October yd, iSSS.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
SIR RICHARD CHOLMONDELEY, Lieute-
nant of the Tower MR. W. BKOWXLOW.
COLONEL FAIRFAX (under sentence of
death) MR. COURTICE POUNDS.
SERGEANT MERYLL, of the Yeomen of
the Guard MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
LEONARD MERYLL, his Son MR. W. R. SHIRLEY.
JACK POINT, a Strolling Jester MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH
WILFRED SHADBOLT, Head Jailor and
Assistant Tormentor MR. W. H. DENNY.
THE HEADSMAN MR. RICHARDS.
FIRST YEOMAN MR. WILBRAHAM.
SECOND YEOMAN MR. MEDCALF.
THIRD YEOMAN ... MR. MERTON.
FOURTH YEOMAN MR. RUDOLF LEWIS.
FIRST CITIZEN MR. REDMOND.
SECOND CITIZEN MR. BOYD.
ELSIE MAYNARD, a Strolling Singer ... Miss GERALDINE ULMAR.
PHCEUE MERYLL, Sergeant Menjlfs
Daughter Miss JESSIE BOND.
DAME CARRUTHERS, Housekeeper to the.
Tower ... Miss ROSIN A BRANDRAM.
KATE, her Niece Miss ROSE HERVEY.
Chorus of Yeomen of the. Guard, Gentlemen, Citizens, etc.
SCENETOWER GREEN.
DATE IGTii CENTURY.
THE
YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
OR, THE
MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID.
ACT I.
SCENE. Tower Green. PHOEBE discovered spinning.
SONG. PH<EBE.
When maiden loves, she sits aud sighs,
She wanders to and fro ;
Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes,
And to all questions she replies,
With a sad heigho !
'Tis but a little word "heiglio ! "
So soft, 'tis scarcely heard " heigho ! "
An idle breath
Yet life and death
May hang upon a maid's " heigho ! "
When maiden loves, she mopes apart,
As owl mopes on a tree ;
Although she keenty feels the smart,
She cannot tell what ails her heart,
With its sad " Ah me ! "
'Tis but a foolish sigh" Ah me ! "
Born but to droop and die " Ah me ! "
Yet all the sense
Of eloquence
Lies hidden in a maid's " Ah me ! " [Weeps.
Enter WILFHED.
W'il Mistress Meryll !
Phce. (looking up). Eh ! Oh ! it's you, is it ! You may go
away, if you like. Because I don't want you, you know.
264 TffE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Wil. Haven't you anything to say to me?
PhcB. Oh yes ! Are the birds all caged ? The wild beasts all
littered down ? All the locks, chains, bolts, and bars in good
order? Is the Little Ease sufficiently uncomfortable? The
racks, pincers, and thumbscrews all ready for work ? Ugh !
you brute !
Wil. These allusions to my professional duties are in doubt-
ful taste. I didn't become a head-jailor because I like head-
jailing. I didn't become an assistant-tormentor because I like
assistant-tormenting. We can't all be sorcerers, you know.
(PHCEBE annoyed.) Ah ! you brought that upon yourself.
Phce. Colonel Fairfax is not a sorcerer. He's a man of science
and an alchemist.
Wil. Well, whatever he is, he won't be one long, for he's to
be beheaded to-day for dealings with the devil. His master
nearly had him last night, when the fire broke out in the
Beaucharnp Tower.
Phce. Oh, how I wish he 'had escaped in the confusion!
But take care ; there's still time for a reply to his petition for
mercy.
Wil. Ah ! I'm content to chance that. This evening at half-
past seven ah !
Phce. You're a cruel monster to speak so unfeelingly of the
death of a young and handsome soldier.
Wil. Young and handsome ! How do you know he's young
and handsome ?
Phce. Because I've seen him every day for weeks past taking
his exercise on the Beaucharnp Tower. (WILFRED utters a cry
of agony.) There, I believe you're jealous of him, now. Jealous
of a man I've never spoken to ! Jealous of a poor soul who's to
die in an hour !
Wil. I am ! I'm jealous of everybody and everything. I'm
jealous of the very words I speak to you because they reach
your ears and I mustn't go near 'em !
Phce. How unjust you are ! Jealous of the words you speak
to me ! Why, you know as well as I do, that I don't even like
them.
Wil. You used to like 'em.
Phce. I used to pretend I liked them. It was mere politeness
to comparative strangers. [Exit PHCEBE, ivifh spinning wheel.
Wil. I don't believe you know what jealousy is ! I don't
believe you know how it eats into a man's heart and disorders
his digestion and turns his interior into boiling lead. Oh, you
are a heartless jade to trifle with the delicate organization of the
human interior!
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 265
Enter Crowd of Men and Women, followed ly Yeomen of the
Guard, led ly SERGEANT MERYLL.
CHORUS (as Yeomen march on).
Tower Warders,
Under orders,
Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders !
Brave in bearing,
Foemen scaring,
In their bygone days of daring !
Ne'er a stranger
There to danger-
Each was o'er the world a ranger :
To the story
Of our glory
Each a bold contributory !
CHORUS OF YEOMEX.
In the autumn of our life
Here at rest in ample clover,
We rejoice in telling over
Our impetuous May and June.
In the evening of our day,
With the sun of life declining,
We recall without repining,
All the heat of bygone noon.
SOLO. SERGEANT.
This the autumn of our life,
This the evening of our day ;
Weary we of battle strife,
Weary we of mortal fray.
But our year is not so spent,
And our days are not so faded,
But that we with one consent,
Were our loved land invaded,
Still would face a foreign foe,
As in days of long ago.
PEOPLE. YEOMEN T .
Tower Warders, In the autumn time of life, etc.
Under orders, etc.
[Exeunt Crowd. Manent Yeomen.
Enter DAME CARRUTHERS.
Dame. A good day to you, Sergeant.
Serg. Good day, Dame Carruthers. Busy to-day '?
Dame. Busy, ay ! The fire in the Beauchamp last night has
given me work enough. A dozen poor prisoners Richard
Colfax, Sir Martin Byfleet, Colonel Fairfax, Warren the
preacher-poet, and half a score others all packed into one
266 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
small cell, not six feet square. Poor Colonel Fairfax, who's to
die to-day, is to be removed to No. 14 in the Cold Harbour
Tower that he may have his last hour alone with his confessor ;
and I've to see to that.
Serg. Poor gentleman ! He'll die bravely. I fought under
him two years since, and he valued his life as it were a feather !
Phce. He's the bravest, the handsomest, and the best young
gentleman in England ! He twice saved my father's life ; and
it's a cruel thing, a Avicked thing, and a barbarous thing that so
gallant a hero should lose his head for it's the handsomest
head in England!
Dame. For dealings with the devil. Ay ! if all were be-
headed who dealt with him, there'd be busy doings on Tower
Green.
Phce. You know very well that Colonel Fairfax is a student
of alchemy nothing more, and nothing less ; but this wicked
Tower, like a cruel giant in a fairy-tale, must be fed with
blood, and that blood must be the best and bravest in England,
or it's not good enough for the old Blunderbore. Ugh !
Dame. Silence, you silly girl ; you know not what you say.
I was born in the old keep, and I've grown grey in it, and,
please God, I shall die and be buried in it ; and there's not a
stone in its walls that is not as dear to me as my own right
hand.
SONG.' DAME CARRUTHERS.
When our gallant Norman foes
Made our merry land their own,
And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying,
At his bidding it arose,
In its panoply of stone,
A sentinel unliving and undying.
Insensible, I trow,
As a sentinel should be,
Though a queen to save her head should come a-suing.
There's a legend on its brow
That is eloquent to me,
And it tells of duty done and duty doing.
"The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
On London town and all its hoard
I keep my solemn watch and ward ! "
Chorus. The screw may twist, etc.
AVithin its wall of rock
The flower of the brave
Have perished with a constancy unshaken.
From the dungeon to the block,
From the scaffold to the grave,
Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken.
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 267
And the wicked flames may hiss
Round the heroes who have fought
For conscience and for home in all its beauty ;
But the grim old fortalice
Takes little heed of aught
That comes not in the measure of its duty.
" The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
On London town and all its hoard
It keeps its silent watch and ward ! "
[Exeunt all hut PHCEBE and SERGEANT MERYLL.
Phoe. Father ! No reprieve for the poor gentleman ?
Her. No, my lass ; but there's one hope yet. Thy brother
Leonard, who, as a reward for his valour in saving his standard
and cutting his way through fifty foes who would have hanged
him, has been appointed a Yeoman of the Guard, will arrive
this morning ; and as he comes straight from Windsor, where
the Court is, it may be it may be that he will bring the
expected reprieve with him.
Phce. Oh, that he may !
Her. Amen ! For the Colonel twice saved my life, and I'd
give the rest of my life to save his ! And wilt thou not be
glad to welcome thy brave brother, with the fame of whose
exploits all England is a-ringiug ?
Phce. Ay, truly, if he brings the reprieve.
Mer. And not otherwise ?
Phce. Well, he's a brave fellow indeed, and I love brave
men.
Mer. All brave men ?
Phce. Most of them, I verily believe ! But I hope Leonard
will not be too strict with me they say he is a very dragon of
virtue and circumspection ! Now, my dear old father is kind-
ness itself, and
Mer. And leaves thee pretty well to thine own ways, eh ?
Well, I've no fears for thee; thou hast a feather-brain, but
thou'rt a good lass.
Phoe. Yes, that's all very true, but if Leonard is going to
tell me that I may not do this and I may not do that, and I
must not talk to this one, or walk with that one, but go
through the world with my lips pursed up and my eyes cast
down, like a poor nun who has renounced mankind why, as
I have not renounced mankind, and don't mean to renounce
mankind, I won't have it there !
Mer. Nay, he'll not check thee more than is good for thee,
Phoebe !
268 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Enter LEONARD MERYLL.
Leon. Father!
Mer. Leonard ! my brave boy ! I'm right glad to see thee,
and so is Phoebe !
Phce. Ay hast thou brought Colonel Fairfax's reprieve ?
Leon. Nay, I have here a despatch for the Lieutenant, but no
reprieve for the Colonel !
Phce. Poor gentleman ! poor gentleman !
Leon. Ay, I would I had brought better news. I'd give my
right hand nay, my body my life, to save his !
Mer. Dost thou speak in earnest, my lad ?
Leon. Ay I'm no braggart. Did he not save thy life?
and am I not his foster-brother?
Mer. Then hearken to me. Thou hast come to join the
Yeomen of the Guard.
Leon. Well!
Mer. None has seen thee but ourselves ?
Leon. And a sentry, who took but scant notice of me.
Mer. Now to prove thy words. Give me the despatch, and
get thee hence at once ! Here is money, and I'll send thee
more. Lie hidden for a space, and let no one know. I'll con-
vey a suit of yeoman's uniform to the Colonel's cell he shall
shave off his beard so that none shall know him, and I'll own
him as rny son, the brave Leonard Meryll, who saved his flag
and cut his way through fifty foes who thirsted for his life.
He will be welcomed without question by my brother-yeomen,
I'll warrant that. Now, how to get access to his cell? (To
PHCEBE.) The key is with thy sour-faced admirer, Wilfred
Shad bolt.
Phce. (demurely'). I think I say, I think I can get any-
thing I want from Wilfred. I think I say, I think you may
leave that to me.
Mer. Then get thee hence at once, lad and bless thee for
this sacrifice.
Phce. And take my blessing too, dear, dear Leonard !
Leon. And thine, eh? Humph! Thy love is new-born,
wrap it up, lest it take cold and die.
TRIO. LEONARD, PHCEBE, MERYLL.
Phce. Alas ! I waver to and fro
Dark danger bangs upon the deed !
All. Dark danger hangs upon the deed !
Leon. The scheme is rash and well may fail ;
But ours are not the hearts that quail
The hands that shrink the cheeks that pale
In hours of need !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 269
All. No, ours are not the hearts that quail,
The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale
In hours of need !
Mer. The air I breathe to him I owe :
My life is his I count it naught !
That life is his so count it naught !
Leon. And shall I reckon risks I rim
AVhen services are to be done
To save the life of such an one ?
Unworthy thought !
-I'V. And shall we reckon risks we run
To save the life of such an one ?
Unworthy thought !
We may succeed who can foretell
May Heaven help our hope farewell !
We may succeed who can foretell ?
May Heaven help our hope fareAvell !
[LEONARD embraces MERYLL and PHCEDE, and then exit.
FHCEBE iveeping.
Mer. Nay, lass, be of good cheer, we may save him yet.
Phce. Oh, see, father they bring the poor gentleman from
the Beauchamp ! Oh, father ! his hour is not yet come?
Mer. No, no they lead him to the Cold Harbour Tower to
await his end in solitude. But softly the Lieutenant ap-
proaches ! He should not see thee weep.
Enter FAIRFAX, guarded. The LIEUTENANT enters,
meeting him.
Lieut. Halt ! Colonel Fairfax, my old friend, we meet but
sadly.
Fair. Sir, I greet you with all good-will ; and I thank you
for the zealous care with which you have guarded me from the
pestilent dangers which threaten human life outside. In this
happy little community, Death, when he comes, doth so in
punctual and business-like fashion ; and, like a courtly gentle-
man, giveth due notice of his advent, that one may not be
taken unawares.
Lieut. Sir, you bare this bravely, as a brave man should.
Fair. Why, sir, it is no light boon to die swiftly and surely
at a given hour and in a given fashion ! Truth to tell, I
would gladly have my life ; but if that may not be, I have the
next best thing to it, which is death. Believe me, sir, my lot
is not so much amiss !
Phce. (aside to MERYLL). Oh, father, father, I cannot bear it?
Mer. My poor lass !
270 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Fair. Nay, pretty one, why weepest thou? Come, be com-
forted. Such a life as mine is not worth weeping for. (Sees
MEEYLL.) Sergeant Meryll, is it not? (To LIEUTENANT.)
May I greet my old friend ? (Shakes MEEYLL'S hand.} Why,
man, what's all this? Thou and I have faced the grim old
king a dozen times, and never has his majesty come to me in
such goodly fashion. Keep a stout heart, good fellow we are
soldiers, and wo know how to die, thou and I. Take my word
for it, it is easier to die well than to live well for, in sooth,
I have tried both.
BALLAD. FAIRFAX.
Is life a boon ?
If so, it must befal
That Death, whene'er he call,
Must call too soon.
Though fourscore years he give,
Yet one would pray to live
Another moon !
What kind of plaint have I,
Who perish in July?
I might have had to die,
PerchancCj in June !
Is life a thorn ?
Then count it not a whit !
Man is well done with it ;
Soon as he's born
He should all means css:xy
To put the plague away ;
And I, war-worn,
Poor captured fugitive,
My life most gladly give
I might have had to live
Another morn !
\_At the end PH<EBE is led off, weeping, by MEEYLL.
Fair. And now, Sir Kichard, I have a boon to beg. I am
in this strait for no better reason than because my kinsman,
Sir Clarence Poltwhistle, one of the Secretaries of State, has
charged me with sorcery, in order that he may succeed to my
estate, which devolves to him provided I die unmarried.
Lieut. As thou wilt most surely do.
Fair. Nay, as I will most surely not do, by your worship's
grace ! I have a mind to thwart this good cousin of mine.
Lieut. How?
Fair. By marrying forthwith, to be sure !
Lieut. But, Heaven ha' mercy, whom wouldst thou marry ?
Fair. Nay, 1 am indifferent on that score. Coming Death
hath made of me a true and chivalrous knight, who holds all
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 271
womankind in such esteem that the oldest, and the meanest,
and the worst-favoured of them is good enough for him. So,
my good Lieutenant, if thou wouhlst serve a poor soldier who
has but an hour to live, find me the first that comes my
confessor shall marry us, and her dower shall he my dis-
honoured name and a hundred crowns to boot. No such poor
dower for an hour of matrimony !
Lieut. A strange request. I doubt that I should be
warranted in granting it.
Fair. Tut tut! There never was a marriage fraught with
so little of evil to the contracting parties. In an hour she'll
be a widow, and I a bachelor again for aught I know !
Lieut. Well, I will see what can be done, for I hold thy
kinsman in abhorrence for the scurvy trick he has played thee.
Fair. A thousand thanks, good sir ; we meet again on this
spot in an hour or so. I shall be a bridegroom then, and your
worship will wish me joy. Till then farewell. (To guard.)
I am ready, good fellows.
[Exit ivitli guard into Cold Harbour Tower.
Lieut. He is a brave fellow, and it is a pity that he should
die. Now, how to find him a bride at sucji short notice?
Well, the task should be easy ! [Exit.
Enter JACK POINT and ELSIE MAYNARD, pursued by a crowd
o/Mcn and Women. POINT and ELSIE are much terrified ;
POINT, however, assuming an appearanee of self-possession.
CHORUS.
Here's a man of jollity,
Jibe, joke, jollify !
Give us of your quality,
Come, fool, follify !
If you vapour vapidly,
River runneth rapidly,
Into it we fling
Bird who doesn't siug !
Give us an experiment
In the art of merriment ;
Into it we throw
Cock who doesn't crow !
Banish your timidity,
And with all rapidity
Give us quip and quiddity
Willy-nilly, !
River none can mollify ;
Into it we throw
Fool who doesn't follify,
Cock who doesn't crow !
272 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Point (alarmed}. My masters, I pray you bear with us,
and we will satisfy you, for we are merry folk who would make
all merry as ourselves. For, look you, there is humour in all
things, and the truest philosophy is that which teaches us to
find it and to make the most of it.
Elsie (struggling with one of the crowd}. Hands off, I say,
unmannerly fellow ! (Pushing him away.}
Point (to 1st Citizen). Ha! Didst thou hear her say,
"Hands off?"
1st Cit. Ay, I heard her say it, and I felt her do it ! What
then ?
Point. Thou dost not see the humour of that ?
1st Cit. Nay, if I do, hang me !
Point. Thou dost not? Now observe. She said "Hands
off ! " Whose hands ? Thine. Off what ? Off her. Why ?
Because she is a woman. Now had she not been a woman,
thine hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason
for the laying on of hands is the reason for the taking off of
hands, and herein is contradiction contradicted ! It is the
very marriage of pro with con ; and no such lopsided union
either, as times go, for pro is not more unlike con than man is
unlike w r oman yet men and women marry every day with
none to say " Oh, the pity of it," but I and fools like me !
Now wherewithal shall we please you ? We can rhyme you
couplet, triolet, quatrain, sonnet, rondolet, ballade, what you
will. Or we can dance you saraband, gondolet, carole, pimpernel
or Jumping Joan.
Elsie. Let us give them the singing farce of the Merry man
and his Maid therein is song and dance too.
All. Ay, the Merryman and his Maid !
DUET. POINT AND ELSIE.
Point. I have a song to sing, O !
Elsie. Sing me your song, !
Point. It is sung to the moon
By a love-lorn loon,
Who fled from the mocking throng, !
It's the song of a merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
Elsie. I have a song to sing, !
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 273
Point. Sing me 3 r our song, !
Elsie. It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, !
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud
Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merrymau, moping mum,
Whose soul was sore, whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, etc.
Point. I have a song to sing, !
Elsie. Sing me 3 T our song, !
Point. It is sung to the knell
Of a churchyard bell,
And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O !
It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born,
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn
At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud,
Who loved that lord, and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merryrnan, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Both. Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, etc.
Elsie. I have a song to sing, !
Point. Sing me your song, !
Elsie. It is sung with a sigh
And a tear in the eye,
For it tells of a righted wrong, !
It's a song of a merrymaid, once so gay,
Who turned on her heel and tripped away
From the peacock popinjay, bravely born,
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn
At the humble heart that he did not prize :
So she begged on her knees, with downcast eyes,
For the love of the merry man, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Both. Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackada} r dee !
His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more,
For he lived in the love of a ladye !
1st Git. Well sung and well danced !
2nd Cit. A kiss for that, pretty maid !
ii r. T
274 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
All. Ay, a kiss all round.
Elsie (drawing dagger). Best beware ! I am armed !
Point. Back, sirs back ! This is going too far.
2nd Cit. Thou dost not see the humour of it, eh ? Yet there
is humour in all things even in this. (Trying to kiss her.)
Elsie. Help! help!
Enter LIEUTENANT, with guard. Crowd falls lack.
Lieut. What is this pother ?
Elsie. Sir, I sang to these folk, and they would have repaid
me with gross courtesy, but for your honour's coming.
Lieut, (to Mob). Away with ye ! Clear the rabble. (Guards
push crowd off, and go off with them.) Now, my girl, who are
you, and what do you here ?
Elsie. May it please you, sir, we are two strolling players,
Jack Point and I, Elsie Maynard, at your worship's service.
We go from fair to fair, singing, and dancing, and playing brief
interludes ; and so we make a poor living.
Lieut. You two, eh ? Are ye man and wife ?
Point. No, sir; for though I'm a fool, there is a limit to
my folly. Her mother, old Bridget Maynard, travels with us
(for Elsie is a good girl), but the old woman is a-bed with
fever, and we have come here to pick up some silver, to buy an
electuary for her.
Lieut. Hark ye, my girl ! Your mother is ill ?
Elsie. Sorely ill, sir.
Lieut. And needs good food, and many things that thou
canst not buy?
Elsie. Alas ! sir, it is too true.
Lieut. Wouldst thou earn a hundred crowns ?
Elsie. An hundred crowns ! They might save her life !
Lieut. Then listen! A worthy, but unhappy gentleman
is to be beheaded in an hour on this very spot. For sufficient
reasons, he desires to marry before he dies, and he hath asked
me to find him a wife. Wilt thou be that wife ?
Elsie. The wife of a man I have never seen !
Point. Why, sir, look you, I am concerned in this ; for though
I am not yet wedded to Elsie Maynard, time works wonders,
and there's no knowing what may be in store for us. Have
we your worship's word for it that this gentleman will die
to-day ?
Lieut. Nothing is more certain, I grieve to say.
Point. And that the maiden will be allowed to depart the
very instant the ceremony is at an end.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 275
Lieu*. The very instant. I pledge my honour that it shall
be so.
Point. An hundred crowns ?
Lieut. An hundred crowns !
Point. For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak.
TJUO. ELSIE, POINT, LIEUT.
Lieut. How say you, maiden, will you wed
A man about to lose his head ?
For half an hour
You'll be a wife,
And then the dower
Is yours for life.
A headless bridegroom why refuse ?
If truth the poets tell,
Most bridegrooms, ere they marry, lose
Both head and heart as well !
Elsie. A strange proposal you reveal,
It almost makes my senses reel.
Alas ! I'm very poor indeed,
And such a sum I sorely need.
My mother, sir, is like to die,
This money life may bring,
Bear this in mind, I pray, if I
Consent to do this thing !
Point. Though as a general rule of life
I don't allow my promised wife,
My lovely bride that is to be,
To marry any one but me,
Yet if the fee is promptly paid,
And he, in well-earned grave,
Within the hour is duly laid, ,
Objection I will waive !
Yes, objection I will waive !
All. Temptation, oh temptation,
Were we, I pray, intended
To shun, whate'er our station,
Your fascinations splendid ;
Or fall, whene'er we view you,
Head over heels into you !
Temptation, oh temptation, etc.
[During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED
(ivho has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE'S ey<*
with a kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour
Tower.
Lieut. And so, good fellow, you are a jester ?
Point. Ay, sir, and, like some of my jests, out of place.
Lieut. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are
your qualifications for such a post.
275 THE YEOMEN OF TPIE GUARD ; OR,
Point. Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you
extempore ; I can convulse you with quip and conundrum ; I
have the lighter philosophies at my tongue's tip ; I can be
merry, wise, quaint, grim, and sardonic, one by one, or all at
once ; I have a pretty turn for anecdote ; I know all the jests
ancient and modern past, present, and to come ; I can riddle
you from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content you
not, well on to midnight and the small hours. 'Oh, sir, a pretty
wit, I warrant you a pretty, pretty wit !
KECIT AND SONG. POINT.
I've jest and joke
And quip and crank.
For lowly folk
And men of rank.
I ply my craft
And know no fear,
I aim my shaft
At prince or peer.
At peer or prince at prince or peer,
I aim my shaft and know no fear !
I've wisdom from the East and from the West,
That's subject to no academic rule ;
You may find in it the jeering of a jest,
Or distil it from the folly of a fool.
I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind ;
I can trick you into learning with a laugh ;
Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find
A grain or two of truth among the chaff !
I can set a braggart quailing with a quip,
The upstart I can wither with a whim ;
He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip,
But his laughter has an echo that is grim !
When they're offered to the world in merry guise,
Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will
For he who'd make his fellow-creatures wise
Should always gild the philosophic pill !
Lieut. And how came you to leave your last employ '?
Point. Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the
Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of
my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family circle. In truth I
ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir Wherein lay the difference
between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was
pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that
whereas His Grace was paid ten thousand pounds a year for
being good, poor Jack Point was good for nothing. 'Twas
but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped
me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 277
parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified
clergy.
Lieut. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence.
I have daughters.
Point. Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and anything
objectionable is expunged. If your honour pleases, I will try
them first on you honour's chaplain.
Lieut. Can you give me an example ? Say that I had sat me
down hurrriedly on something sharp ?
Point. Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur
of the moment.
Lieut. Humph. I don't think much of that. Is that the
best you can do ?
Point. It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try
again.
Lieut. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is
but half cooked.
Point. Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone
cannot be helped.
Lieut. I see. I think that manner of thing would be some-
what irritating.
Point. At first, sir, perhaps ; but use is everything, and you
would come in time to like it.
Lieut. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen,
wench under my very nose.
Point. Under her very nose, good sir not under yours !
That is where 1 would kiss her. Do you take me ? Oh, sir,
a pretty wit a pretty, pretty wit !
Lieut. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will
discuss this matter at length in my library.
Point. I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trust
I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more serious topic,
can you tell me, sir, why a cook's brain-pan is like an over-
wound clock ?
Lieut. A truce to this fooling follow me.
Point. Just my luck ; my best conundrum wasted !
[Exeunt.
Enter ELSIE from Tower, fulloiued by WILFRED, who removes
the bandage from her eyes.
RECITATIVE AND BALLAD. ELSIE.
Tis done ! I am a bride ! Ob, little ring,
That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness
That lovers hope for, and that poets sing,
What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness ?
278 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise,
To-day he dies ! To-day, alas, he dies !
Though tear and long-drawn sigh
111 fit a bride,
No sadder wife than I
The whole world wide !
Ah me ! Ah rue !
Yet maids there be
Who would consent to lose
The very rose of youth,
The flower of life,
To be, in honest truth,
A wedded wife,
No matter whose !
Ere half an hour has rung,
A widow I !
Ah, Heaven, he is too young,
Too brave to die !
Ah me ! Ah me !
Yet wives there be
So weary worn, I trow,
That they would scarce complain,
So that they could
In half an hour attain
To widowhood, ,
No matter how !
[Exit ELSIE as WILFRED comes doicn.
Wil. (looking after ELSIE). 'Tis an odd freak, for a dying
man and his confessor to be closeted alone with a strange singing
girl. I would fain have espied them, but they stopped up the
keyhole. My keyhole !
Enter PHCEBE with MERYLL, who carries a bundle. MERYLL
remains in the background, unobserved by WILFRED.
Phce. (aside). Wilfred and alone! Now to get the keys
from him. (Aloud.) Wilfred has no reprieve arrived ?
Wil. None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die.
Phce. Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for the
poor condemned gentlemen.
Wil. I know that he who is about to die is more to thee than
I, who am alive and well.
Phce. Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do they
not say that a live ass is better than a dead lion ! No, I don't
mean that !
Wil They say that, do they ?
Phce. It's nnpardonably rude of them, but I believe they put
it in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who art clever
beyond all telling !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 279
Wil. Oh yes ; as an assistant tormentor,
Phce. As a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophic com-
mentator on the vanity of human resolution.
[PHCEBE slyly takes bunch of keys from WILFRED'S waist-
band, and hands them to MERYLL, who enters the
Toiver, unnoticed l)y WILFRED.
Wil. Truly, I have seen great resolution give way under my
persuasive methods. ( Working a small thumbscrew.) In the
nice regulation of a screw in the hundredth part of a single
revolution lieth all the difference between stony reticence and
a torrent of impulsive unbosoming that the pen can scarcely
follow. Ha ! ha ! I am a mad wag.
Phce. (with a grimace). Thou art a most light-hearted and
delightful companion, Master Wilfred. Thine anecdotes of the
torture-chamber are the prettiest hearing.
\\ r il. I'm a pleasant fellow an I choose. I believe I am
the merriest dog that barks. Ah, we might be passing happy
together
Phce. Perhaps. I do not know.
Wil. For thou wouldst make a most tender and loving wife.
Phce. Ay, to one whom I really loved. For there is a
wealth of love within this little heart, saving up for I wonder
whom ? Now, of all the world of men, I wonder whom ? To
think that he whom I am to wed is now alive and somewhere !
Perhaps far away, perhaps close at hand ! And I know
him not ! It seemeth that I am wasting time in not knowing
him.
Wil. Now, say that it is I nay ! suppose it for the nonce.
Say that we are wed suppose it only say that thou art my
very bride, and I thy cheery, joyous, bright, frolicsome husband
and that the day's work being done, and the prisoners stored
away for the night, thou and 1 are alone together with a long,
long evening before us !
Phce. (ivith a grimace). It is a pretty picture but I scarcely
know. It cometh so unexpectedly and yet and yet were I
thy bride
Wil. Ay ! wert thou my bride !
Phce. Oh, how I would love thee !
BALLAD. PHOEBE.
Were I thy bride,
Then the whole world beside
Were not too wide
To hold my wealth of love
Were I thv bride !
280 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR,
Upon thy breast
My loving head would rest,
As on her nest
The tender turtle-dove
Were I thy bride !
This heart of mine
Would be one heart with thine,
And in that shrine
Our happiness would dwell
Were I thy bride !
And all day long
Our lives should be a song :
No grief, no wrong
Should make my heart rebel
Were I thy bride !
The silvery flute.
The melancholy lute,
Were night owl's hoot
To my love-whispered coo
Were I thy bride !
The skj-lark's trill
Were but discordance shrill
To the soft thrill
Of wooing as I'd woo
Were I thy bride !
MERYLL re-enters ; gives keys to PHCEBE, who replaces them at
WILFRED'S girdle, unnoticed by him.
The rose's sigh
Were as a carrion's cry
To lullaby
Such as I'd sing to thee,
Were I thy bride !
A feather's press
Were leaden heaviness
To my caress.
But then, of course, you see
I'm not thy bride !
[Exit PHCEBE.
Wil. No, thou'rt not not yet ! But, Lord, how she woo'd !
I should be no mean judge of wooing, seeing that I have been
more hotly woo'd than most men. I have been woo'd by maid,
widow, and wife. I have been woo'd boldly, timidly, tearfully,
shyly by direct assault, by suggestion, by implication, by
inference, and by innuendo. But this wooing is not of the
common order : it is the wooing of one who must needs woo me,
if she die for it ! [Exit WILFRED.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 281
Enter MERYLL, cautiously , from Tower.
Mer. (looking after them). The deed is, so far, safely accom-
plished. The slyboots, how she wheedled him ! What a help-
less ninny is a love-sick man ! He is but as a lute in a woman's
hands she plays upon him whatever tune she will. But the
Colonel comes. I' faith he's just in time, for the Yeomen parade
here for his execution in two minutes.
Enter FAIRFAX, without beard and moustache, and dressed in
Yeomen's uniform.
Fair. My good and kind friend, thoti runnest a grave risk
for me !
Mer. Tut, sir, no risk. I'll warrant none here will recognize
you. You make a brave yeoman, sir ! So this ruff is too
high ; so and the sword should hang thus. Here is your
halbert, sir, carry it thus. The yeomen come. Now, remember,
you are my brave son, Leonard Meryll.
Fair. If I may not bear mine own name, there is none other
I would bear so readily.
Mer. Now, sir, put a bold face on it ; for they come.
Enter Yeomen of the Guard.
RECITATIVE. SERGEANT MERYLL.
Ye Tower Yeomen, nursed in war's alarms,
Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory,
Behold my son, whose all-subduing arms
Have formed the theme of many a song and story.
Forgive his aged father's pride ; nor jeer
His aged father's sympathetic tear !
[Pretending to lucep.
CHORUS.
Leonard Meryll !
Leonard Meryll !
Dauntless he in time of peril !
Man of power,
Knighthood's flower,
Welcome to the grim old Tower !
To the Tower, welcome thou !
RECITATIVE. FAIRFAX.
Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation,
I have small claim to such consideration :
The tales that of my prowess have been stated
Are all prodigiously exaggerated !
CHORUS.
'Tis ever thus !
Wherever valour true is found,
True modesty will there abound.
282
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
1st Yeoman.
Chorus.
2nd Yeoman.
Chorus.
Fa Ir.
'Tis ever thus ;
Wherever valour true is found,
True modesty will there abound.
COUPLETS.
Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll !
Standard lost in last campaign,
Rescue it at deadly peril
Bear it bravely back again ?
Leonard Meryll, at his peril,
Bore it bravelj" back again !
Didst thou not, when prisoner taken,
And debarred from all escape,
Face, with gallant heart unshaken,
Death in most appalling shape ?
Leonard Meryll faced his peril,
Death in most appalling shape !
Truly I was to be pitied,
Having but an hour to live,
I reluctantly submitted,
I had no alternative !
Oh ! the facts that have been stated
Of my deeds of derring-do,
Have been much exaggerated,
Very much exaggerated,
Monstrously exaggerated !
Scarce a word of them is true !
Enter PHCEBE. She rushes to FAIRFAX and embraces him.
KECITATIVE.
Phce. Leonard !
Fair, (puzzled). I beg your pardon?
Phce. Don't you know me ?
I'm little Phcebe !
Fair, (still puzzled). Phoebe? Is this Phcebe ?
My little Phcebe ? (Aside.) Who the deuce may site be ?
It can't be Phcebe, surelv ?
Wil. Yes, 'tis Phoebe-
Tin' sister Phcebe !
All. Ay, he sptaks the truth ;
Tis Phoebe !
Fair, (pretending to recognize her). Sister Phcebe !
Phce. Oh, my brother ! (Embrace.)
Fair. Why, how you've grown ! I did not recognize you !
Phce. So many years ! Oh, brother ! (Embrace.)
Fair. Oh, my sister !
Wil. Ay, hug him, girl ! There are three thou mayst hug
Thy father and thy brother and myself !
Fair. Thyself, forsooth ? And who art thou thyself ?
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID 283
Wit. Good sir, we arc betrothed. (FAIRFAX turns inquiringly to
PHCEBE.)
Phoc. Or more or less
But rather less than more !
TV/7. To thy fond care
I do commend thy sister. Be to her
An ever-watchful guardian eagle-eyed !
And when she feels (as sometimes she does feel)
Disposed to indiscriminate caress,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from her !
All. Yes, yes,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from her !
Ph(K. (in FAIRFAX'S arms). Yes, yes,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from me !
Tuio. WILFRED, FAIRFAX, AND PIICEBE.
Wil. To thy fraternal care
Thy sister I commend ;
From every lurking snare
Thy lovely charge defend :
And to achieve this end,
Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon-
She shall not quit thy sight :
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock to two
From two to eventide
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
She shall not quit thy side !
All. Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon, etc.
r/toc. So amiable I've grown,
So innocent as well,
That if I'm left alone
The consequences fell :
No mortal can foretell.
So grant, I pray, this boon
I shall not quit thy sight :
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock till two
From two till day is done
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
All kinds of risk I run !
All. So grant, I pray, this boon, etc.
Fair. With brotherly readiness,
For my fair sister's sake,
At once I answer " Yes "
That task I undertake
My word I never break
I freely grant that boon,
And I'll repeat my plight.
284 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock to two
From two to evening meal
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
K>ss.
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
That compact I will seal. [A'>'ss.
All. He freely grants that boon, etc.
[The Bell of St. Peter's begins to tolL Tlie crowd enters ;
the block is brought on to the stage, and the Heads-
man takes Ms place. The Yeomen of the Guard
form up, FAIRFAX and two others entering the
White Tower, to briny the prisoner to execution.
The LIEUTENANT enters and takes his place, and
tells off FAIRFAX and two others to bring the prisoner
to execution.
CHORUS (to tolling accompaniment).
The prisoner comes to meet his doom ;
The block, the headsman, and the tomb.
The funeral bell begins to toll
May Heaven have mercy on his soul !
SOLO. ELSIE, with Chorus.
Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone
So many a captive on ;
Of all immured within these walls,
The very worthiest falls !
Enter FAIRFAX and two other Yeomen //'oi Tower in great
excitement.
My lord ! my lord ! I know not how to tell
The news I bear !
I and my comrades sought the prisoner's cell
He is not there !
All. He is not there !
They sought the prisoner's cell he is not there !
TRIO. FAIRFAX AND Two YEOMEN.
As escort for the prisoner
We sought his cell, in duty bound ;
The double gratings open were,
No prisoner at all we found !
We hunted high, we hunted low,
We hunted here, we hunted there
The man we sought, as truth will show.
Had vanished into empty air !
All. Had vanished into empty air !
The man they sought with anxious care
Had vanished into empty air !
Girls. Now, by our troth, the news is fair,
The man hath vanished into air !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID.
285
All. As escort for the prisoner
They sought his cell in duty bound, etc.
Lieut. Astounding news ! The prisoner fled.
(To WILI--KED). Thy^life shall forfeit be instead !
[WILFRED is arrested.
Wilfred. My lord, I did not set him free,
I hate the man my rival he !
[WILFRED is taken away.
Meryll. The prisoner gone I'm all agape !
Who could have helped him to escape ?
Phccbc. Indeed I can't imagine who !
I've no idea at all have yon ?
Dame, Of his escape no traces lurk
Enchantment must have been at work !
Elsie (aside to POINT). What have I done ! Oh, woe is me !
I am his wife, and he is free !
Point. Oh, woe is you i Your anguish sink !
Oh, woe is me, I rather think !
Oh, woe is me, I rather think !
Yes, woe is me, I rather think !
Whate'er betide
You are his bride,
And I am left
Alone bereft !
Yes, woe is me, I rather think
Yes, woe is me, I rather think !
de-
mi sbegot-
LlEUTENANT.
All frenzied with
spair 1 rave,
The grave is cheated
of its due.
Who is the
ten knave
Who hath contrived
this deed to do ?
Let search be made
throughout the
land,
Or my vindictive
anger dread
A thousand marks to
him I hand
Who brings him
ENSEMBLE.
ELSIE.
All frenzied with de-
spair I rave,
My anguish rends
my heart in two.
Unloved, to him my
hand I gave ;
To him, unloved,
bound to be true !
Unloved, unknown,
unseen the brand
Of infamy upon his
head :
A bride that's husband-
less, I stand
To all mankind for
ever dead !
POINT.
All frenzied with de-
spair I rave,
My anguish rends
my heart in two.
Your hand to him you
freely gave ;
It's woe to me, not
woe to you !
My laugh is dead, my
heart unmanned,
A jester with a soul
of lead !
A lover loverless I
stand,
To womankind for
ever dead !
here, alive or dead.
[The others sing the LIEUTENANT'S verse, ivith altered
pronouns. At the end, ELSIE faints in FAIRFAX'S
arms; all the Yeomen and populace rush off the
stage in different directions, to hunt for the fugitive,
leaving only the Headsman on the stage, and ELSIE
insensible in FAIRFAX'S arms.
286
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
ACT II.
SCENE. Tower Green by Moonlight. Two days have elapsed.
Women and Yeomen of the Guard discovered.
CHORUS OF WOMEN.
Night has spread her pall once more,
And the prisoner still is free :
Open is his dungeon door,
Useless now his dungeon key !
He has shaken off his yoke
How, no mortal man can tell !
Shame on loutish jailor-folk
Shame on sleepy sentinel !
All. He has shaken off his yoke, etc.
SOLO. DAME CARRUTHERS.
Warders are ye ?
Whom do ye ward ?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of ye all, he is free he is free !
Whom do ye ward '! Pretty warders are ye !
CHORUS OF YEOMEN.
Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about ;
Every chamber, every house,
Every chink that holds a mouse,
Every crevice in the keep,
AVhere a beetle black could creep,
Every outlet, every drain,
Have we searched, but all in vain !
YEOMEN.
Warders are we :
Whom do we ward ?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain.
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of us all, he is free ! he is
free !
Whom do we ward ? Pretty
warders are we !
WOMEN.
Warders, are ye ?
Whom do ye ward ?
Bolt, bar and key ;
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain.
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of ye all, he is free ! he is
free !
Whom do ye ward ? Pretty
warders are ye
[Exeunt all.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 23;
Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge volume.
Point (reads). " The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose. No.
7863. The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne
poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed councillor.
4 Marry, fool,' quoth the councillor, ' whither away ? ' 'In
truth,' said the poor wag, ' in that I have eaten naught these
two dayes, I do wither away, and that right rapidly!' The
councillor laughed hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph !
The councillor was easier to please than my new master, the
Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that councillor.
Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor heartbroken-
jilted Jack Point must needs turn to Hugh Ambrose for original
light humour !
Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits.
Wil. (sighing). Ah, Master Point !
Point (changing his manner). Ha ! friend jailor ! Jailor
that wast jailor that never shalt be more ! Jailor that jailed
not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so unjailorly that 'twas but
jerry-jailing, or jailing in joke though no joke to him who,
by unjailorlike jailing, did so jeopardize his jailorship. Come,
take heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor that
tormentest none thou racker that rackest not thou pincher
out of place come, take heart, and be merry, as I am !
(aside, dolefully) as I am !
Wil. Ay, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good
post, and hast cause to be merry.
Point (bitterly). Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not
the world a big butt of humour, into which all who will may
drive a gimlet ? See, I am a salaried wit ; and is there aught
in nature more ridiculous? A poor dull, heart-broken man,
who must needs be merry, or he will be whipped ; who must
rejoice, lest he starve ; who must jest you, jibe you, quip you,
crank you, wrack you, riddle you, from hour to hour, from day
to day, from year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve, pine,
and die ! Why, when there's naught else to laugh at, I laugh
at myself till I ache for it !
Wil. Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would
suit me to a hair.
Point. Thee ? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross-
bones ?
Wil. Ay, I have a pretty wit a light, airy, joy some wit,
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture chamber.
Oh, a very delicate wit ! I have tried it on many a prisoner,
288 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
and there have been some who smiled. Now it is not easy
to make a prisoner smile. And it should not be difficult to
be a good jester, seeing that thou art one.
Point. Difficult ? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend,
and I will prove it to thee !
SONG. POINT
Oh ! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumour ;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humour !
He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse ;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules that all family fools
Must observe, if they love their profession.
There are one or two rules,
Half a dozen, may be,
That all family fools,
Of whatever degree,
Must observe, if they love their profession.
If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need
To consider each person's auricular :
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular) ;
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle ;
While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,
That he's known your best joke from his cradle !
AVhen your humour they flout,
You can't let yourself go ;
And it does put you out
When a person says, "Ob,
I have known that old joke from my cradle ! "
If your master is surly, from getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him, to give you, at once, a month's warning.
Then if 3*011 refrain, he is at you again,
For he likes to get value for money.
He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,
" If you know that your paid to be funny ? "
It adds to the task
Of a merry man's place,
When your principal asks,
With a scowl on his face,
If you know that you're paid to be funny ?
Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.
Oh, beware of his anger provoking !
Better not pull his hair don't stick pins in his chair :
He don't understand practical joking.
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 289
You may get a bland smile from these sages ;
But should it, by chance, be imported from France,
Half a crown is stopped out of your wages !
It's a general rule,
Though j'our zeal it may quench,
If the family fool
Tell's a joke that's too French,
Half a crown is stopped out of his wages !
Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,
And your senses with toothache you're losing,
Don't be mopy and flat they don't fine you for thai,
If you're properly quaint and amusing !
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,
And took with her your trifle of money ;
Bless your heart, the}' don't mind they're exceedingly
kind
They don't blame you as long as you're funny !
It's a comfort to feel
If your partner should flit,
Though you suffer a deal,
They don't mind it a bit
They don't blame you so long as you're funny.
Point. And so thou wouldst be a jester, eh ? Now, listen !
My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was secretly wed to this Fairfax
half an hour ere he escaped.
Wil. She did well.
Point. She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and
perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I to her,
and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I am the saddest
and the sorriest dog in England !
Wil. Thou art a very dull dog indeed.
Point. Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river it needs
but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark night and that he
sank and was seen no more, I'll make thee the very Arch-
bishop of jesters, and that in two days' time ! Now, what
sayest thou ?
Wil. I am to lie?
Point. Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance,
which I will support with the testimony of eyes, ears, and
tongue.
Wil. And thou wilt qualify me as a jester ?
Point. As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my
original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own ingenious
paradoxes ; nay, more, I will reveal to thee the source whence
I get them. Now, what sayest thou ?
Wil. Why, if it be but a lie thou wan test of me, I hold it
cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain !
in. u
290 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR,
DUET. POINT AND WILFRED.
Both. Hereupon we're both agreed,
And all that we two
Do agree to
We'll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.
v 1 Jon Elsie (J I to call
i ou ) ( are j
With a story
Grim and gory ;
How this Fairfax died, and all
You 1 Declare to
Y u ' re 1 to swear to.
1 ni j
Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full ;
Tale tremendous,
Heaven defend us !
What a tale of cock and bull !
In return for j - l ' r f own part
"V
Undertaking,
To instruct | "^ \ in the art
(Art amazing,
Wonder raising)
Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position
High ambition !
And a lively one j , n j be,
Wag-a-wagging,
Never nagging !
Tell a tale of cock and bull, etc.
[Exeunt together.
Enter FAIRFAX.
Fair. A day and a half gone, and no news of poor Fairfax !
The dolts ! They seek him everywhere, save within a dozen
yards of his dungeon. So I am free ! Free, but for the cursed
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of matri-
mony with Heaven knows whom ! As far as I remember, she
should have been young ; but even had not her face been con-
cealed by her kerchief, I doubt whether, in my then plight,
I should have taken much note of her. Free? Bah! The
Tower bonds were but a thread of silk compared with these
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 291
conjugal fetters which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own
hands. From the one I broke readily enough how to break
the other!
SONG. FAIRFAX.
Free from his fetters grim
Free to depart ;
Free both in life and limb
In all but heart !
Bound to an unknown bride
For good and ill ;
Ah, is not one so tied
A prisoner still ?
Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour !
Although a monarch's hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he !
Enter MERYLL.
Fait'. Well, Sergeant Meryl), and how fares thy pretty
charge, Elsie Maynard ?
Mer. Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and leaves
us to-night.
Fair. Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh ?
Mer. Ay, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl to me. It
gave the old lady an excuse for taking up her quarters in my
house, and for the last two years I've shunned her like the
plague. Another day of it and she would have married me !
Good Lord, here she is again ! I'll e'en go. (Going.)
Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE, her niece.
Dame. Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of
grave import to say to thee.
Mer. (aside). It's coming.
Fair, (laughing). 1'faith, I think I'm not wanted here.
(Going.)
Dame. Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father
that his son may not hear.
Fair, (aside). True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!
Dame. 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master
Leonard.
Fair. Ay, fair as a peach blossom what then?
292 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Dame. She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.
Fair. With all my heart. She's as dainty a little maid as
you'll find in a midsummer day's march.
Dame. Then he warned in time, and give not thy heart to
her. Oh, / know what it is to give my heart to one who will
have none of it !
Her. (aside). Ay, she knows all about that. (Aloud.') And
why is my boy to take heed of her? She's a good girl, Dame
Carruthers.
Dame. Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl.
She's a married woman.
Mer. A married woman ! Tush, old lady she's promised to
Jack Point, the lieutenant's new jester.
Dame. Tush in thy teeth, old man ! As iny niece Kate sat
by her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept she
moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that way and,
" How shall I marry one I have never seen? " quoth she then,
" A hundred crowns ! " quoth she then, " Is it cervain he will
die in an hour ? " quoth she then, " I love him not and yet I
am his wife," quoth she ! Is it not so, Kate ?
Kate. Ay, mother, 'tis eyen so.
Fair. Art thou sure of all this ?
Kate. Ay, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.
Dame. Now, mark my words : it was of this Fairfax she
spake, and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle !
Mer. (aside). Is this true, sir ?
Fair. True ? Why, the girl was raving ! Why should she
marry a man who had but an hour to live?
Dame. Marry ? There be those who would marry but for a
minute, rather than die old maids.
Mer. (aside). Ay, I know one of them !
QUARTETTE. KATE, FAIRFAX, DAME CARKUTHERS, AXD MERYLL.
Strange adventure ! Maiden wedded
To a groom she's never seen
Never, never, never seen !
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green !
Tower, Tower, Tower Green !
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing
Pretty maid of seventeen !
Seven seven seventeen !
Strange adventure that we're trolling :
Modest maid and gallant groom
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 293
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom !
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom !
Modest maiden will not tarry ;
Though but sixteen years she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb-
Tower Tower Tower tomb !
[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.
Fair. So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome
Elsie ! By my hand, 'tis no such ill-plunge in Fortune's lucky
bag ! I might have fared worse with my eyes open ! But she
comes. Now to test her principles. "Tis not every husband
who has a chance of wooing his own wife !
Enter ELSIE.
Fair. Mistress Elsie !
Elsie. Master Leonard !
Fair. So thou leavest us to-night ?
Elsie. Yes, Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and
I almost fear I am loth to go.
Fair. And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped ?
Elsie. Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very fulness of
his life.
Fair. Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy
at his safety ?
Elsie. It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard,
and I am but a girl, and so, when I am highly wrought, I faint.
Fair. Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous
jealousy ?
Elsie. Thou? And of whom?
Fair. Why, of this Fairfax, surely !
Elsie. Of Colonel Fairfax !
Fair. Ay. Shall I be frank with thee ? Elsie I love thee,
ardently, passionately! (ELSIE alarmed and surprised.) Elsie,
I have loved thee these two days which is a long time and
I would fain join my life to thine !
Elsie. Master Leonard ! Thou art jesting !
Fair. Jesting ? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest ! I love
thee with a love that is a fever with a love that is a frenzy
with a love that eateth up my heart ! What sayest thou ?
Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up ?
Elsie, (aside}. Oh, mercy ! What am I to say ?
Fair. Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these
two days?
294 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Elsie. I love all brave men.
Fair. Nay, there is love in excess. I thank Heaven, there
are many brave men in England ; but if thou lovest them all, I
withdraw my thanks.
Elsie. I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen
I am not free I I am a wife !
Fair. Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are
numbered nay, his grave is dug, and his epitaph set up!
Come, his name ?
Elsie. Oh, sir ! keep my secret it is the only barrier that
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other than
Colonel Fairfax!
Fair. The greatest villain unhung ! The most ill-begotten,
ill-favoured, ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered
dog in Christendom !
Elsie. It is very like. He is naught to me for I never saw
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within the
hour ; and he did not die and I am wed 
