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THE BRANCH 






tFEREHCE 



Gilbert: 




- 3. 




- ; *.*JI 



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Crown 8 w, cloth extra, 3^. 6d. 

THE SAVOY OPERA. 

BY PERCY FITZGERALD. 
WITH SIXTY ILLUSTRATIONS AND PORTRAITS. 

" ' The Savoy Opera ' promises a present interest and a permanent value. . . . 
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critic of ripe experience. ... I would gladly linger over this timely volume, 
which contains a vast amount of information. It has special claims to attention, 
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operatic era of great importance." Sun. 

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ORIGINAL PLAYS 

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Containing: " The Wicked World," "Pygmalion and 
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LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY. 



ORIGINAL PLAYS 



BY 

W. S. GILBERT 

THIRD SERIES 

CONTAINING 

COMEDY AND TRAGEDY, FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN 

PATIENCE, PRINCESS IDA, THE MIKADO 

RUDDIGORE, THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD 

THE GONDOLIERS, THE MOUNTEBANKS 

UTOPIA LIMITED 




EL o n to o n 

CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY 

1895 



n LL. 

S 5 2 Z- CITY OF MEW YORK ' ' 

v. 3 

J! 84986 



v 



CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

COMEDY AND TRAGEDY . . 1 

FOGGERTY'S FAIRY . . 19 

ROSENCRANTZ AND GuiLDENSTERN . 75 

PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 91 

PRINCESS IDA; OR, CASTLE ADAMANT . 131 

THE MIKADO; OR, THE TOWN OP TITIPU 175 

RUDDIGORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE . . . 217 
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, THE MERRYMAN AND 

HIS MAID ....... 261 

THE GONDOLIERS ; OK, THE KING OF BARATARIA . . 307 

THE MOUNTEBANKS . . . 353 

UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS . . 405 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY, 
v, 

AN ORIGINAL DRAMA, 
IN ONE ACT. 

first performed at the Lyceum Theatre, London, 
Saturday, January 2&(h, 1884. 



ill, 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Due D'ORLEAXS, Regent of France 

D'AULXAY, Clarice's Husband 

DOCTOR CIIOQUART ... 

ABBE DUBOIS ... 

DE GRAXCY 

DE LA FERTE 

DE COURCELLES 
VlSCOMTE DE MAU/UX 

DE BROGLIO 

JosEnr, a Servant 
PAULIXK, Clarice's Sister 
CLARICE, an Actress ... 



MR. J. II. BARXES. 
MR. G. ALEXAXDER. 
MR. E. F. EDGAR. 
MR. E. T. MARCH. 
MR. F. GRIFFIX. 
MR. A. LEWIS. 
MR. F. RAPHEAL. 
MR. N. CIUSXELL. 
MR. G. LEWIS. 
MR. W. RUSSELL. 
Miss O'REILLY. 
Miss MARY AXDERSOX. 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 



SCENE. Apartment in CLARICE'S house ; night. A glass door 
opens on to a garden. The room is lighted as if for a 
reception. 

As the curtain rises, JOSEPH enters, ushering PAULINE, in 
travelling-dress. She is much agitated. 

Paul, {removing her hat, veil, and cloaJc). Where is my 
sister ? I must see her at once. 

Jos. Madame is dressing. 

Paul. Dressing? Is she going out to-night? 

Jos. No, Mademoiselle ; Madame has a supper-party at home. 

Paul, Her husband Monsieur d'Aulnay where is he? 

Jos. Monsieur d'Aulnay ? Oh, has not Mademoiselle heard ? 

Paul, (much agitated). It is true then they are separated ? 

Jos. Alas, Mademoiselle, too true ! 

Paul. It is terrible terrible ! They loved each other so 
dearly, and they have not been married a year. 

Jos. Indeed, Monsieur seemed devoted to Madame. 

Paul. Seemed ! Did he not give up his commission in the 
Royal Body Guard and take service as a humble actor that he 
might be near her? Did he not forego rank, wealth, friends, 
everything that he might marry her? And now, after one 
short year, their love is dead and they are strangers ! When 
did this dreadful separation take place ? 

Jos. A week ago, yesterday. 

Paul, (rises). And my sister gives a supper-party to-night I 
Why, the scandal will be known all over Paris to-morrow ! 

Jos. Alas ! Mademoiselle, it is already a matter of common 
gossip ! 

Paul. And whom does she expect to-night? 

Jos. Well, Mademoiselle must know, sooner or later. They 
are not such guests as Madame has been in the habit of 
receiving, or as Monsieur would approve if he were here. 



4 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

Madame expects, among others, Monsieur de la Fere, the Abbe 
Dubois, Monsieur de la Forte', and, I regret to add, the Regent, 
Monseigneur le Due d'Orleans. 

Paul. The Due d'Orleans! Do I understand you that my 
sister has invited the Eegent to sup with her? Oh, you must 
have been misinformed ! 

Jos. Mademoiselle, it is, unhappily, too true! I had it from 
Madame's own lips. I will send word to her that Mademoiselle 
awaits her. \_Exit JOSEPH. 

Paul. The Due d'Orleans! The villain whose insolent 
admiration of her is a bye-word throughout Paris! The 
libertine who dared to couple her fair name with lies unspeak- 
able, whose disgraceful attentions have embittered her life and 
her husband's for twelve months past ! This man coming to 
sup with her to-night ! Oh, it cannot be, it cannot be ! 
(PAULINE starts up, hearing CLARICE.) 

Clar. (as she enters and descends staircase). Mind, plenty 
of wine, plenty of music, and plenty of light, and, above all 
things, remember that, after my guests have arrived, no one is 
to interrupt us. (CLARICE hurriedly makes for the door leading 
to garden. As her hand is on the lock she sees PAULINE. She 
is much agitated, but with an effort recovers herself.) Pauline ! 
you here ? Why, my darling child, this is indeed a surprise ! 
What do you do in this city of iniquity, you little innocent 
country primrose ? Who has picked you and brought you into 
this perilous atmosphere ? And why ? Come ! Tell me all 
about it ! 

Paul. Clarice, I came in great haste because I heard that 
you were unhappy. It seems that in that, at least, I was mis- 
informed. 

Clar. (bitterly}. Unhappy ! Yes. I am unhappy or should 
"be, if I stopped to think. But (with forced gaiety} I don't 
stop to think. I don't give myself time to think. I take 
things as I find them, and I make the best of them. Ha ! ha ! 
ha ! That's true philosophy, Pauline. Of course you have 
heard what has taken place. Well, it's a pity, but it could not 
be helped. 

Paul. But what in the world has caused this calamity ? 

Clar. Oh, I hardly know! No great thing many small 
things ; things ridiculous in detail, but serious in the aggregate. 
Besides, you forget I have been married a year, and a year is 
a long time in Paris. 

Paul. A long time ! And you loved him so dearly ! 

Clar. Ye es oh yes I certainly loved D'Aulnay in my 
way once. 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 5 

Paul. Once ! 

Clar. Yes. A pretty fellow whom one sees once a week for 
an hour one loves but a pretty fellow whom one sees every 
day for a year! My dear Pauline, you've not tried it. Besides 
haven't you heard ? Husbands are going out they are not 
to be worn at all this season. 

Paul, (reproachfully). Clarice ! 

Glar. Why one must be in the fashion, child! Next season, 
perhaps or the next but one they may come in again. Well, 
in that case I have D'Aulnay's address. 

Paul. Will he come, do you think, when he learns the 
Regent is an invited guest at your house? 

Clar. Oh, you have heard that. Well, I confess I see a dif- 
ficulty there D'Aulnay is so straightlaced. Monsieur d'Orleans 
is a man of fashion, and is, perhaps, rather too much accustomed 
to look on women as playthings. ( This is said with involuntary 
and half-concealed bitterness^) It is his only weakness. Let 
us be charitable, and look over it. 

Paul. I cannot express the distress with which I listen to 
such sentiments. I can scarcely believe that they are uttered 
by the Clarice whose purity of life has shamed the attacks even 
of her unmanly persecutor. Think what you are losing! 
Hitherto even those who condemn the stage as infamous have 
excepted you from their sweeping denunciations. (Goes to 
her.} For Heaven's sake pause before you risk the proud and 
honoured position you have attained ! 

Clar. (Utterly). Proud ! Honoured ! Bah ! You play with 
words. I am an actress by law proscribed, by the Church 
excommunicated ! While I live women gather their skirts 
about them as I pass ; when I die I am to be buried, as dogs 
are buried, in unholy ground. (PAULINE turns away in grief.) 
In the mean time, I am the recognized prey of the spoiler the 
traditional property of him who will best pay for me: an 
actress, with a body, God help her ! but without a soul : un- 
recognized by the State, abjured by the Church, and utterly 
despised of all ! In the face of these compliments, believe me, 
it is not easy to preserve one's self-respect, Pauline. 

Paul. But the Eegent who has insulted you unspeakably 
whose liveried servants have actually attempted to carry you 
away from your husband's arms, and who has treated his 
repeated challenges with cowardly and contemptuous silence 
is this man to be an honoured guest at your table ? 

Clar. Ah, my dear, a pretty woman must not bear too hardly 
upon those whose heads her beauty has turned. Monsieur le Due 
has been imprudent reckless culpable if you will; but then, 



6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

remember, the poor fellow is in love. If you put a kettle of 
water on the fire, it is not the fault of the water if it boils it 
is the fault of the fire, my dear ! As to my husband's challenges, 
why, notwithstanding his noble birth and his services in the 
Royal Body Guard, he is now but a stage-player a mummer 
a vagabond. Would you have the Regent of France condescend 
to meet a vagabond ! No ! He must draw the line somewhere ; 
and he draws it at vagabonds' wives ! 

Paul. I see that my mission is fruitless. I will go. (Resuming 
her mantle.} 

Clar. Yes, better go, my child. The scene that is to come 
is one that perhaps you had better not see. 

Paul. I can believe it. Adieu, Clarice. I came in hope 

that I might yet save my sister. I go, broken-hearted that my 

sister should be beyond saving ! [Exit PAULINE. 

[CLARICE watches PAULINE off, then locks the door by 

which she has gone out, and hurriedly opens the door 

leading to the garden. 

Clar. D'Aulnay ! My husband ! Quick ! 

D'AULNAY enters from garden. 

D'Aul. My darling wife ! (embraces her). Is it certain that 
we shall not be interrupted ? 

Clar. Quite certain ! I have locked the only door by which 
any one could surprise us. 

D'Aul. And is all ready ? 

Clar. All is ready. 

D'Aul. The story of our separation is accepted ? 

Clar. Implicitly. I have made no secret of it, believe me. 
There is not a soul about the Court who does not believe that 
my love for you is dead, and that we are parted for ever. 

[CLARICE and D'AULNAY seated. 

D'Aul. And the Regent the Due d'Orleans ? 

Clar. Oh, he has fallen readily enough into the snare. I 
did as you bade me. I gave out, far and near, that I was 
weary of the humdrum respectability of sober married life- 
that, being free again, I intended to take my own course and 
enjoy myself. To disarm suspicion, I invited a dozen of his 
friends the Abbe Dubois, De Courcelles, De la Ferte and 
others and eventually the Regent himself: humbly, and with 
a sense of what was due from such as I to such as he, I invited 
the Regent himself! D'Aulnay, he will be here in half an 
hour. 

D'Aul. At last! At last! Oh, my child, how long and 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. ^ 

how bitterly have we waited for this ! Tortured as I have 
been by the agony of impotent fury goaded into frenzy by the 
sense of my utter helplessness under an accumulation of 
intolerable insult ; and then to find him at last helpless and at 
my mercy ! It is a revenge that is almost satisfying ! In half 
an hour I shall be avenged, or beyond the reach of vengeance. 
If I fall, my poor Clarice 

Clar. (rises). No, no. For God's sake keep that thought 
from me, or my resolution will give way ! If I am to go 
through with this, I must nerve myself to it by every means 
at my command! I must keep before me his repeated, 
his incessant insults at the theatre in the streets nay, at 
my very door. I must remember his threats, his letters, his 
dastardly attempt to take me from you by force, and his mean 
and cowardly evasion when brought by you to book. It is 
enough to remember these things, for, when I do so, my blood 
is a-fire, and I am as brave as you are. 

D'Aul. My darling ! (Embrace. Noise of carriage-wheels 
heard without.) 

Clar. Hush ! They are coming ! You must go now. 
When they have all arrived, I will contrive to detain him 
here alone ! Oh, it will not be difficult ! Wait in the garden, 
and watch your opportunity. Never fear but that it will 
come ! 

D'Aul. God bless my darling, and give her courage ! 

Clar. I have it, D'Aulnay ! Fear not for me I am brave 
as a man ! Farewell ! 

\IIe embraces her, and exit into garden. Voices hear 
laughing and talking ivithout. 

Clar. They are coming ! If he should be with them ! It 
he should come fraught with death to my love ! But there, 
this won't do. Courage, Clarice, courage ! Remember the part 
you have to play ! 

Enter JOSEPH, announcing. 

Jos. Monsieur de la Ferte, Monsieur de Courcelles, and his 
Excellency the Yicomte de Mauzun. 

Enter the three Gentlemen named (severally). 

Clar. (with great gaiety}. Ah ! Monsieur de la Ferte, over-joyed, 
indeed, to see you how kind of you to come ! I'm a lone widow 
now, and must be consoled. De Courcelles? No, no, I'm not 
going to call you Monsieur de Conrcellcs. (COURCELLES lows 
and sits.) If we're not old friends now, we shall be some day, 



8 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

and we'll discount the intimacy that is to be. Mauzun! Of 
all men Mauzun ! Now this is indeed delightful ! (MAUZUN 
lows ceremoniously.} Ah, bah ! how you great people bow and 
scrape, and how we little people laugh at you for it ! Come, let's 
all be little people to-night ? 

Mauzun. We are indeed little people in the presence of 
Madame D'Aulnay. 

Clar. Clarice ! Clarice, if you love me. D'Aulnay's gone, 
and let his name go with him. (MAUZUN "bows and converses 
with COURCELLES.) May it do him more good than it did 
me. Ha! ha! I believe, though, that ladies and gentle- 
men of the dignified aristocracy don't get to Christian names 
all at once. 

La Ferte. Well, not all at once, perhaps ; but we generally 
get to them in time. 

Clar. Ah ! then we of the coulisses begin with them. We 
only come to surnames when we quarrel, which we don't mean 
to do, do we? 

He-enter JOSEPH, announcing, followed ly the ABBE DUBOIS and 

MONSIEUR DE GRANCY. 

Jos. Monsieur 1'Abbe Dubois, Monsieur de Grancy. 

Clar. Monsieur le Ministre, your very good servant to com- 
mand. De Grancy, I'm overjoyed to see you. His Koyal 
Highness ? Will he come ? 

Dub. His Royal Highness will be here shortly, but unhappily 
his stay will be but brief. 

Clar. It is well he will come. It is most kind of him 
to condescend to visit my humdrum home ! But I don't intend 
to be humdrum any more. Will you teach me how not to be 
humdrum ? 

Dub. Alas, Madame! I have no pretensions to teach 
experts. 

Clar. No pretensions. The Abbe Dubois the great con- 
versationalist, the brilliant epigrammatist ! What was that 
you said about poor Clopin, the dramatic critic, who wrote a 
bad play that Clopin forgot that his mission was not to write 
plays, but to teach people how to write plays. I'd have given 
a week's salary to have said that ! 

Dub. Madame, it is difficult not to be epigrammatic when 
one speaks of a dramatic author. (Sits.) 

He-enter JOSEPH. 
Jos. Monsieur de Broglio and Monsieur le Docteur Choquart. 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 



Enter the Gentlemen named. 

Clar. Welcome, De Broglio. AVhy, Doctor my dear, deal- 
Doctor, I had no idea that you were in Paris! Why, how 
grave you are ! This is not a professional visit. You look as 
glum as if you had come to attend a patient in extremis! 

Doct. Shall I confess to you, Madame, that I am attending 
one who, I fear, is in a very dangerous state. 

Clar. (aside). What do you mean ? As I am in perfect 
health, I must suppose that you are employing a figure of 
speech. 

[ The guests are conversing in groups during this, till the 
Due D'ORLEANS is announced. 

Doct. It is no figure of speech so to describe a good and 
virtuous lady who, for the first time in her life, is playing 
hostess to the roues of the Palais Koyal. 

Clar. Doctor, you presume on your footing in my house. 

Doct. Madame, I am D'Aulnay's friend. 

Clar. Then what do 'you here ? These are not D'Aulnay'.s 
friends. 

Doct, I am here to protect you. 

Clar. I need no protector. Trust me, I can protect myself! 

Re-enter JOSEPH, announcing. 
Jos. His Royal Highness the Regent of France. 

Enter the Due D'ORLEANS attended lyfour Gentlemen. All 
rise ; the guests bow ceremoniously. 

Duke. Madame, I have the honour to salute you. 

Clar. (curtseying formally'). Your Royal Highness is too 
good. I am indeed honoured by Monseigneur's visit. That my 
poor house should be so complimented is a distinction of which 
I may be permitted to be vain. 

Duke. If it be indeed a distinction, it is one that I would 
gladly have conferred many months since, had I been permitted 
to do so. 

Clar. Ah, Monseigneur, be generous. You know how I was 
situated ; my husband 

Duke. Ah, the selfishness of these husbands ! They are the 
curse of enterprise ! 

Clar. Nay, be just to them ; if there were no husbands there 
would be no enterprise. 

Duke. No doubt. How true it is that nothing, however 



10 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

insignificant, was created without an object. Even husbands 
have their value in the economy of nature. (Converses with the 
other guests.) 

Clar. Come, gentlemen, let us adjourn to the drawing-room. 
We shall find cards, dice, and wine ready for us. Monsieur le 
Ministre, we'll follow you ; but surely, I forget : your Koyal 
Highness should have led the way. Oh, forgive my inex- 
perience ! (The guests, some of whom have already ascended 
the staircase, begin to enter the room above, in conversation with 
each other as they go off.) Monseigneur will perhaps permit 
me to take his arm ? 

Duke. With every pleasure, Madame. 

\By this time the party have all disappeared, and CLARICE 
is alone on the stage with the DUKE. 

Clar. Stop one moment my smelling-bottle. 

Duke. Clarice why, you are fainting. (She leans on table by 
stairs.) 

Clar. No, no ; it is nothing ; I am subject to this. I shall 
be strong again directly. May I trouble you to open the 
window ? 

Duke. By all means. (He opens the doors leading to the 
garden.) 

Clar. Thank you. How the air refreshes rne ! I am better 
now. Let us follow the others. 

Duke. No not yet, Clarice. Sit down here, with me, for 
a few minutes. The fresh air will revive you. 

Clar. Then pray join your friends. I will follow presently. 
I am better, indeed. 

Duke. Nay ; I must remain to watch the effect of my 
prescription. 

Clar. But what will they say ? Your friends will remark 
our absence ! 

Duke. Have no fear. My friends are not in the habit of 
canvassing my proceedings. (Sits beside her.) They are happy 
enough without us. Let us be happy without them. 

Clar. I am very happy. 

Duke. And so there is an end of D'Aulnay at last ? 

Clar. Yes ; I suppose so ! Poor D'Aulnay. They say he 
is at Marseilles. 

Duke. Why do you sigh ? Are you sorry for him ? 

Clar. A little, perhaps. But I'm sure I gave him every 
chance. I bore with him for a year. 

Duke. What forbearance ! 

Clar. At first he was well enough. I mean, that when we 
quarrelled, he owned I was right, and gave in. That did very 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. II 

well. Then he vowed I was wrong but gave in. Well, that 
was endurable. But at length it came to this, that he vowed 
I was wrong, and he wouldn't give in. So, of course, we 
parted. Still, he was not a bad fellow his faults were mere 
faults of temper. 

Duke. Madame, he has my profound consideration. I am 
told that he is in the habit of expressing angry sentiments 
towards me indeed, he has, on more than one occasion, done 
me the honour of suggesting that I should cross swords with 
him. It distressed me that I was unable to gratify him, but 
under the artificial conditions of modern society, it was un- 
happily impossible. I can conceive a highly rarefied state of 
civilization in which it might be permitted to high and low 
to run each other through the body without distinction of 
rank ; but to that Utopian condition we have unhappily not 
yet arrived. (Rises.) When we do, I shall be pleased to 
oblige him ; but in the mean time the only balm I am per- 
mitted to pour into his wounded soul is the assurance of my 
profound consideration. 

Clar. Still, duke, D'Aulnay is a man of noble birth. 

Duke. Clarice, he is an actor. 

Clar. He became an actor for love of me. 

Duke. Pie did well and wisely. But when he resigned his 
commission in the Body Guard, and took to the stage for his 
living, he did me the injury of placing it out of my power to 
recognize him as a gentleman. 

Clar. Well, enough of D'Aulnay. Let us leave him alone. 

Duke. With all my heart. (Returns, sits as before.} I trust 
that he will return the compliment. (Taking her hand.} 

Clar. Nay, duke, you go too far. 

Duke. You are not in earnest when you say that. You 
cannot be angry with me for loving you. (Putting his arm round 
her ivaist.} 

Clar. No, no, duke, I cannot allow this. Pray be careful ; 
we shall be overheard. 

Duke. Nay, Clarice, you shall hear me now. For months 
you have received my homage with indignation, or with what 
is still harder to bear, with silence. Maddened by my passion 
I forgot what was due to you ay, and to myself. You dis- 
missed me with contempt, and you were right, and I loved 
you for it. Your eyes flashed scorn upon me. I deserved it, 
and I loved you for it. Your lips withered with their con- 
tempt. I had earned it, and I loved you for it. 

Clar. Nay, duke have pity have pity ! 

Duke. After a bitter time of sickening disappointment, I am 



12 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

raised to a pinnacle of happiness by this invitation. I take 
it as an overture of peace am I wrong? I take it as a token 
of reconciliation am I wrong? (D'ArjLNAY appears through 
open door.') I take it as an admission that you can pity 
forgive love. Tell me, am I wrong ? 

D'Aul. Yes, M. le Due d'Orleans, you are wrong ! 

Duke, (starting to his feet after a pause). This is a trap. 

Clar. (rises). Yes, sir, it is a trap. 

Duke. You have deceived me cheated me ! 

Clar. Yes I have deceived you cheated you. 

Duke. Why have you done this, actress ? 

D'Aul. I, actor, will tell you. For more than a year, you, 
the Due d'Orleans, Eegent of France, strong in the security 
of a rank which I tell you, sir, you sully and degrade, have 
blighted our home-happiness as with the breath of an obscene 
pestilence. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have acted 
like a knave. You have dared to assume that, because my 
wife is an actress, you would find her the easy prey of your 
carrion instincts. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have 
acted like a madman. When, goaded to frenzy by your in- 
cessant insults, I tried to bring you to book, you entrenched 
yourself behind your dignity, and declined to recognize me. 
In this, sir, you, Regent of France, acted like a coward. 
Thrice have I challenged you, and thrice have you ignored 
my challenge. I have stooped to this trap that I might lure 
you into a confidence that would place you at my command. 
And, sir, I command you to fight me! 

Duke. If I refuse? 

D'Aul. If you refuse, I will whip you like a dog. (Tarns to 
CLARICE.) 

Duke. A strong measure. 

D'Aul. I hope so. 

Duke (after a pause). Hark ye, sirrah, I am not in the 
habit of explaining my course of action, and if I do so now, 
it is that you may understand how little your threats affect 
me. I refused to fight you because you are an actor, pro- 
scribed by the State, excommunicated by the Church a 
statutory vagabond and a social outcast. If a scullion were 
to challenge me, I should so far recognize him as to have him 
flogged. An actor is entitled to no recognition at all. Now, 
sir, you have your answer. Stand aside and let me pass ! 

D'Aul. Stay. As you say, I am an actor, and the law 
proscribes me. As an actor I have just attained the summit 
of an actor's ambition an engagement at the Theatre Francais, 
and that engagement is here. (Taking out a paper.} Well, sir, 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 13 

I destroy that engagement (tearing it up ; throws it at his feet), 
aud, on the honour of an officer and a gentleman, I will never 
set foot upon the stage again. Now, sir, I am no longer an 
actor. I have resumed my rank, aud you cannot refuse to 

fight me. 

Duke. It shall be as you wish. I only stipulate that it shall 
never be known to any but our three selves that I have con- 
descended to meet a person of your calling. 

IfAul. Sir, the degradation I am about to inflict upon you 
shall never be published by either of us. 

Duke. Good! But one word. (To CLARICE.) Madame, I 
am free to admit that I have wronged you and your husband, 
and I should be loth to do further injury to yourself or to him. 
But, Madame, it is right that you should, as you are your 
husband's accomplice in this scheme of revenge, know that 
I am an unerring swordsman, and if I fight your husband 1 
kill him. 

Clar. (after a pause). Monsieur le Due, you must fight. 

Duke. So be it. When and where ? 

D'Aul. Now, in this garden. 

Duke. You are mad. The house is full of my friends. 

Clar. Have no fear of them. I will take upon myself to 
say that they shall not interfere. I charge myself with the 
task of keeping their attention engaged until the issue is 
known. 

Duke. As you please. Have the goodness, sir, to show the 
way. Madame, I regret that you compel me to atone for the 
reparable wrong I have done you, by inflicting upon you an 
injury that nothing can repair. Accept the assurance of my 
sympathy. 

[Exeunt DUKE into garden ; D'AULNAY embraces 
CLARICE, and follows. 

Clar. What have I done ? Am I mad ? He will be killed 
D'Auluay will be killed! Oh no, no, no not that not 
that ! It cannot be ! D'Aulnay my dearly loved ! my 
heart ! my life ! Grace of Heaven, what have I done ? I 
cannot bear it ! I must stop them ! (DOCTOR enters from 
upper room in converse with LA FERTE ; rest of the yuests 
follow, laughing, and in conversation. DOCT. The silver 
mark is at 120 livres, gold 800 a depreciation of 70 per cent.) 
D'Aulnay D'Aulnay come back! (Buns to window-door, 
and opens it. As she does so half a dozen guests come down 
the stairs laughing and talking. She suddenly closes the door 
and puts her back to it.) 

Dub. Eight thousand francs ! you shall have them on 



14 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

Thursday. Against such devil's luck who can fight ? I'faith, 
not I! Clarice, alone? "Why, where's the Regent? (Two 
more come down the stairs, one counting out money into the 
other's hand.} 

Clar. Alas ! Gone ! Despatches to dictate, I believe. You 
will forgive my absence, but the Duke's time was precious, and 
he feared to join you lest he might be tempted to overstay his 
leisure. But are you tired of play already? (Tlireemore come 
down.) 

Dul). Nay, we came to seek you. To tell the truth, with- 
out you the fun began to flag. 

Clar. Well, let's whip it up again. What shall we do? 
Tableaux? Charades? Proverbs? Come, for Heaven's sake 
suggest something, somebody ! 

La Ferte. Shall we say tableaux ? 

Dub. Gentlemen, we have all heard of Clarice's talent for 
improvisation. May we pray that we may be favoured with 
an example thereof ? 

All. Yes, yes an improvisation. 

Doct. Yes, by all means ! 

Clar. An improvisation good. Be it so ! On what subject 
shall I improvise? Quick, quick a subject; you must give 
me a subject any subject tragedy, comedy anything you 
like only, for Heaven's sake, be quick ! 

La Ferte. We are here to amuse ourselves, and Clarice excels 
in comedy. 

Several Guests. Comedy ! Comedy ! 

Mauzun. Yes, she's great in comedy. 

Doct. Comedy, by all means. 

Clar. Comedy, then. 

Dub. Gentlemen, to say that Clarice excels in comedy is 
to admit that you have forgotten her " Death of Cleopatra." 

La Ferte. Nothing to her " Quack Dentist with the Tooth- 
ache." 

Dub. The " Lament of Artemisia of Halicarnassus." 

La Ferte. Not a patch on her " Pig-driver in a Fog ! " 

Clar. Shall it be comedy, then ? 

La Ferte. Tragedy ! 

Dub. Comedy ! 

Doct. Gentlemen, let us benefit by this difference of opinion. 
Let us say comedy first, and tragedy afterwards. 

All. Good, by all means, etc. 

Clar. Good that's understood : comedy first, tragedy after- 
wards. Come, give me a subject; quick, a comedy subject? 
Heavens, how slow you are ! 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 15 

Mauzun. Stay one moment. (All attentive.} 

Clar. What is it? 

Mauzun. I heard a noise in the garden. 

Clar. Oh, the servants amusing themselves, that's all. We 
have our fun here, they have their fun there. Come, quick, a 
subject. 

Mauzun. Nay, I heard the clashing of swords I am sure of 
it. (Going towards garden door.} 

Clar. No, no ! Gentlemen, you must do me a favour ; you 
must not venture into that garden ! The truth is I am pre- 
paring a little surprise for you ; if you go into the garden now 
you will spoil all. I am sure I need not say more. (Locking 
door and giving the key to the DOCTOR.) Here, Doctor, I entrust 
you with the key. I charge you allow no one to open that 
door on any consideration. Now then, quick, a subject a 
subject a subject ! 

Dub. Let me see. You are a strolling player ; you enter 
a tavern you are challenged as to who you are, and you describe 
yourself. There ! 

All. Bravo ! Very good ! etc. 

Clar. Good ! I am an actor a strolling actor and I describe 
myself. That's very good ; that will do. (All listening in- 
tently, some grouped on the staircase, others seated.) One 
moment ah now. (Recites ivith animated gestures.} " Who 
am I, gentlemen ? I am Artaxerxes ! I am Antony the Great ! 
I'm a doge, a king, a councillor, a burgess, a lackey. I am the 
constable who seizes the beggar; nay, I am the beggar seized 
by the constable. I am everybody ; I am nobody. I command 
and I obey. I feast starving ; I starve feasting. Beware of me, 
for I am a very rogue a swaggering roysterer, with ragged 
elbows, hat a-cock, and bilbo ready." (All laugh admiringly.') 

Doct. Don't interrupt ! 

Clar. "A rogue, said I ? Nay, a highwayman a housebreaker 
a murderer to command, at a purse of pistoles the job, and 
short shrift to my quarry ! (Laughter.) But take heart ; I am 
the best of men. I love good. I give purses. I bless all. Yet 
do I curse freely, and, purses notwithstanding, I am but a greedy, 
griping, grasping, miserly curmudgeon, who'd die i' the dark to 
save a farthing rushlight a very Barabbas too, or a High 
Pontiff, or a Grand Seigneur, with a dancing seraglio, as it shall 
please you. I die thrice a-night, but they bury me not ; nay, 
I am a ghost, with none to lay me ; but a ghost, look you, of 
flesh, and to spare, yet not spare of flesh, as this rotundity 
shall advise you. (All exclaim, " Admirable! " "Excellent ! " 
etc.) And yet no ghost, but a very observable and most mortal 



1 6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 

man, with a pretty taste in flagons and an eye for a plump 
brown wench, go to ! I am a bundle of contradiction a mass 
of incongruities; here to-day, gone to-morrow a thing of no 
moment : a breath, a puff ball, a gossamer ! Good sirs, I am 
an actor ! " {An applaud DOCT. Marvellous ! A really fine 
piece of acting. Dub. Excellent, indeed, without a doubt ! 
During this she is much overcome, looks anxiously towards 
ivindow, totters, supports herself against chair.) 

Clar. (resuming with a great effort). " If you ask me if you 
ask me " (A cry heard without she breaks down.} Gentle- 
men, I cannot go on ; my heart leaves me. My husband ! he is 
without, with the Due d'Orleans. They are fighting ! I heard 
his cry ! He is wounded, perhaps killed ! Oh, gentlemen, 
gentlemen, for the love of Heaven separate them ! I have 
caused this. He is my husband my dear, dear husband ! He 
is my life, and I have caused this ; and oh, God, he is dying ! 
(Sobs hysterically on her knees.') 

All. Admirable! excellent! (Half aside to each other.) 

Clar. You look at me, but you do not move. Gentlemen, 
I am not acting ; I am in fearful earnest. Oh ! my love ! my 
love ! And I have done this ! As I speak my husband is 
being killed ! Will none of you separate them ? (Goes to 
door, and beats frantically against it.) D'Aulnay, D'Aulnay, 
I am coming to you ! (She tvrenches at the door in vain, for it 
is locked ; at last she leans exhausted against it.) 

All. Bravo ! Admirable ! 

Dub. You see now why I asked for tragedy. 

All. Excellent, indeed. 

Clar. Oh men, men ! have you no eyes ? Don't you know 
when a wretched woman is breaking her heart ? (Suddenly.) 
Doctor! I gave you the key. (Rushing to the DOCTOR and 
kneeling to him!) You are D'Aulnay's friend. The key ! for 
God's sake give me the key ! (All exclaim as before.) 

Doct. (looking attentively at her). Gentlemen, this woman 
is not acting ! Her colour comes and goes she is in terrible 
earnest. 

Clar. Yes, yes, in terrible earnest ! They are killing him ! 
Oh, God, I cannot bear this. 

Dub. Doctor, you have paid her the highest compliment an 
actress ever received. If she can impose upon so old a hand as 
you, she is an actress indeed ! 

La Ferte. Doctor, you're too emotional. 

Doct. Gentlemen, at the risk of encountering your ridicule, 
I shall take upon myself to believe she is in earnest and, so 
believing, I shall unlock that door. 



COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 17 

All. Ha! ha! 

Mauzun. Doctor, they're laughing at you. 
Clar. God bless you ! he believes me ! he believes me ! 
[Quick ! the door the door ! 

[The DOCTOR goes to the door, and unlocks it, as the others 
laugh at him. CLARICE rushes to the door and meets 
her husband pale, without his coat and waistcoat, 
and with a sword in his hand, which he ivipes with 
a handkerchief. 

Doct. D'Aulnay ! (All start. Momentary picture.) 
Clar. (hurriedly in a ivhisper). Are you unhurt ? 
jyAul. Quite. * 
Clar. And the Duke? 
D'Aul. Wounded to the death. 

Clar. (recovering herself with a supreme effort, and leading 
her husband forward). Gentlemen, I told you that I was pre- 
paring a little surprise for you this is it ! Doctor, your pardon 
for having made you an innocent accomplice in my little 
deception. (DOCTOR, expressing annoyance, pulls out snuff-box ; 
snuffs.} Gentlemen, T have only to thank you for the kind 
applause with which you have been so good as to reward my 
humble effort to entertain you ! 

[Curtseys. All the guests applaud, some ridiculing the 
DOCTOR as the curtain falls. 



in. c 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL FAIRY FARCE, 
IN THREE ACTS. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

FREDERICK FOGGEKTY^ 
WALKINSHAW / 

TALBOT, a Wholesale Cheesemonger. 

DR. LOBB "i 

> Mad Doctors. 
DR. DOBB J 

BLOGG, a Mad Keeper. 

UNCLE FOGLE -\ 

WALKER v Wedding Guests. 

BALKER j 

Engaged in Act I. to FOGGERTY. 



JENNIE TALBOT , EngQged {n Act IL to WALKINSIIAW , 

THE FAIRY REBECCA. 

ROSELEAF 

DEWDROP 

Miss DE VERB, a Romantic Old Lady. 

Miss DELIA SPIFF, a Matter-of-fact Old Lady. 

LOTTIE \ 

} Jennies Bridesmaids. 
TOTTIE 



> Attendant Fairies. 



TIE \ 
> 

TIE ) 

AUNT BOGI.E, and Others. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. Drawing-room in TALBOT'S house on the morning cf 
his daughter's marriage to FOGGERTY. A large l>ow~ 
windoiu leads into a garden. TALBOT is discovered. 
The following guests are disposed about the room UNCLE 
FOGLE (a snuffy old gentleman), AUNT BOGLE (a stout 
lady), WALKER and BALKER (tivo young men), and 
others. All are in extremely low spirits, except TALBOT, 
who endeavours to infuse a little cheerfulness into the 
company. All wear favours. 

All {sighing). Ah ! 

Uncle Fogle. Oh, dear me, dear me! 

Tal. What is the matter with you all? Do try and be 
cheerful. If my only daughter is going to be married to a 
penniless young apothecary, there's no occasion to treat her 
wedding as though it were a funeral. Pray, pray remember that 
this is, after all, a festive occasion. 

Fogle. My dear John, I wouldn't, for the world, say a word 
to cast a gloom over these well, these rejoicings ; but I can't 
help thinking, that, with her attractions, Jenny might have 
looked a little higher. You understand, I don't say it I con- 
fine myself to thinking it. 

Aunt Bogle. You see, John, you know so little of Mr. 
Foggerty. 

Tal. I knew him when he was a little boy of nine ; ho was 
a very clean little boy of nine. 

Bal. Ah ! but a man's character is not formed at nine. 

Fogle. However, it's no use crying over spilt milk. 

Aunt B. Very true what's done can't be helped. 

Walker. Except it's mutton and then what's under-done 
can't be helped. (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.) 



22 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

TaL (shaking WALKER'S hand). Thank you, Tommy ; it's 
very kind and thoughtful of you to make that joke. 

Walker. I'll make another presently. 

TaL Thank you. I'm sure you will. I won't forget it. God 
bless you, Tommy. 

Aunt B. After all, Mr. Foggerty may be a very respectable 
young man. 

Uncle F. Equally, of course, he may not ; but let us not 
anticipate disaster. 

Tal. What was I to do ? Jenny has, somehow, got a ridiculous 
idea into her head that she could never love any man who had 
ever loved before, and she is weak enough to believe that she 
has found this monstrosity in Foggerty. I've told her all sorts 
of anecdotes to his disparagement not exactly true ones, 
because I can't find out any but the sort of anecdotes that I 
dare say are true if one only knew. It's a painful thing, gentle- 
men, for a father to have to admit, but my undutiful girl won't 
believe me. 

Foyle. It's a sad thing when a girl won't believe her own 
father ! 

Walker. If she won't believe her own father, whose father 
will she believe? (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.) 

Tal. Thank you, my boy thank you ! It was just the same 
with poor, broken-hearted Walkinshaw. She fell in love with 
Walkinshaw because she thought he had never loved before, but 
she found out from Foggerty that Walkinsbaw had already been 
engaged to somebody, so that settled him. Then she fell in love 
with Foggerty. We did all we could to fix him with an affair 
of some kind, but in vain ; it's true we did rake up an old 
boyish flirtation of his, but he was rather young at the time 
only nine and it's not likely to have been serious. 

Aunt B. I don't know a boy who flirts at nine will flirt at 
ninety, that's my experience. 

Bal. Nine is a critical age a man's character is often formed 
at niue. 

Tal. (looking off). But Jenny's coming down she's in the 

highest possible spirits, and I don't want her to be depressed. 

Those who feel they really can't bear up had better, perhaps, 

go and shed some tears in the garden (all go off except AUNT 

BOGLE, UNCLE FOGLE, and TALBOT), and, those who remain, 

please remember that you've been asked in order to contribute 

to the general hilarity, and, for goodness' sake, don't forget that 

this is really and truly a festive occasion. Come, let us all smile. 

[All smile grimly as JENNY enters, in a flood of tears, 

and dressed in morning dress. She is followed by 



FOGGE&Tlr'S FAIRY. 23 

LOTTIE and TOTTIE, dressed as bridesmaids. She 
throws herself down on a chair, weeping bitterly. 
LOTTIE and TOTTIE comfort her. 

Jenny (weeping). Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ? 

Tal. There's Jenny at it now ! Bless my heart, she'll have 
a red nose at the church ! 

Lot. There, there don't cry don't cry ! 

Tot. It's sure to be all right don't cry ! 

Tal. Now what is it, and why are you not dressed? What 
are you crying for? 

Jenny. Oh, papa, papa I'm to be married this morning, 
and 

Tal. She's to be married this morning, and she's crying 
about it! Isn't that like a woman? And whose fault is it, I 
should like to know ? 

Jenny. Oh, papa, I'm not crying because because I'm 
g-g-going to be married to Frederick but I've g-got to be at 
the church in half an hour, and my dress hasn't come home yet. 
(Fresh burst of grief /) Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ? 

Tal. Dress not come home ? 

[During all this UNCLE FOGLE and AUNT BOGLE pre- 
serve a ridiculous and immovable smile. 

Jenny. No, it was tight under the arms, so I sent it back, 
and it was to have come home this morning, and I've nothing 
to wear ! 

Aunt B. Don't cry, child. I've my own wedding-dress at 
home. It was made in 1820. I've never worn it but once. 
I'll lend it to you. 

Tal. Why, that'll be the very thing. 

Jenny (sobbing). No no. You you're too fat. (UNCLE 
F. and AUNT B., ivho have been smiling fixedly all this time, 
suddenly look disgusted.) I mean I'm too thin. (Exeunt AUNT 
B. and UNCLE F. in a huff.) Oh dear! what shall I do? 

Tal. Come, come. I'll send for it. It'll be here directly. 
(To LOT. and TOT.) Pick her up, my dears, pick her up, and, 
above all things, don't let her have a red nose at the church. 
Powder it, my dears; powder it. This is a festive occasion 
and it absolutely must be powdered. [Exit TAL. 

Lot. There ! It's sure to arrive in time. 

Tot. I'm sure I hope it will, if it's only to spite the ill-natured 
people who are always running Mr. Foggerty down. 

Jenny. I don't care what they say. He has one virtue that 
would sanctify him in my eyes though his errors were legion. 
He, at least, has never loved before. 

Lot. Well, it's possible, dear, of course. 



24 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Jenny. Possible ! I have it on the very best authority. He 
told me so himself. He ought to know, I suppose. ' 

Tot. He ought to, dear, of course. 

Jenny. Oh, would you have me doubt the man I love? 
Would you have me love the man I doubt? Oh no! no! 
Love doubts not. Doubt loves not. He says he has never 
loved, and it is enough. 

Lot. (to TOT.) I'm sure I hope he hasn't, for if she found out, 
too late, that he had deceived her, what would she do ? 

[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE. 

Jenny (dreamingly). What would I do ? I don't know. It 
would be something with a knife in it, and there would be 
blood. I don't know whose perhaps his perhaps mine ! Oh, 
I dare not think of it ! I dare not think of it ! 

Enter FOGQERTY, sticking a flower in his buttonhole. 

Fog. There. It's wonderful how a tastily selected vegetable 
sets one off. (Sees JENNY.) Jenny! My own! Why, not 
dressed yet ? What's the matter ? 

Jenny (dreamily). I say I dare not think of it. 

Fog. Why not? 

Jenny (dreamily'}. There would be blood, wouldn't there ? 

Fog. If you dressed yourself? No, I don't see why there 
should. There, go and put on your things. 

Jenny (dreamily'). Yours or mine ? 

Fog. Yours, of course. What do you mean ? 

Jenny. I mean, if I found out that you had ever loved 
another 

Fog. Oh, of course, in that case mine ; I would shed it 
myself. 

Jenny. But you never have ? 

Fog. I? Never! 

Jenny. This flirtation when you were nine ? 

Fog. It was nothing. She made eyes at me in church. 

Jenny. And what did you do ? 

Fog. I fled. 

Jenny. In horror? 

Fog. In horror. It was so bold of her. I was appalled. 

Jenny. My delicate-minded Frederick ! Oh, he has never 
loved till now ! 

Fog. Jenny, we are to be married to-day; do you think I 
might 

Jenny. I think so, dear ; it is our wedding-day. 

Fog. Under the circumstances, I think. (Kisses her. Doth sigh.) 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 25 

Jenny. I don't know how it is, it's very strange and un- 
accountable and unwomanly; but, although my dress don't 
fit, I feel almost happy ! 

Fog. I am glad you are happy, Jenny. 

Jenny. I have always said that my love should only be 
given to one who had never loved before. I will not have a 
heart at second-hand. My husband must be one whose torch 
of love was lit by me alone, and you are such an one, are 
you not ? 

Fog. Yes ; many a night and oft have I lain awake gazing 
at the moon, and wondering what manner of thing this love 
might be of which I had heard so much, this strange and 
irrational desire to spend a lifetime with the adored object ; 
and, when I renewed my old acquaintance with you, the sun 
broke on my darkness, and all seemed clear as summer noon ! 

Jenny. My darling ! 

Fog. Do you think I might again ? 

Jenny. Yes, dear, I think so. 

Fog. No, no better not better not. 

Jenny. In my eyes, a man who has once loved is as a defaced 
postage-stamp interesting, perhaps, to the collector, but to all 
others a thing of naught. 

Fog. Such as poor Walkinshaw, for example. 

Jenny. Such as Mr. Walkinshaw. I do not think I ever 
loved him, but he interested me because I believed that I was 
the first that had ever kindled the fire of love within his heart. 
But, to my horror and disgust, before we had been engaged a 
fortnight I learnt from you that he had already loved another. 

Fog. I felt it to be my duty not to conceal from you a fact so 
material to your happiness, my poor child. 

Jenny. Poor then, but poor no longer. Rich in the devotion 
of a heart that throbs for me, and me alone ! 

Fog. Oh ! don't you think I might venture once more , 
to- No, no. We can wait we can wait. 

Enter WALKINSHAW. He is in a most depressed condition, 
but gorgeously dressed, nevertheless. 

Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw ! 

Wai. Nay, don't mind me. Proceed with your fondlings. 
Time was when I could not have witnessed them. But I must 
get used to it it's good practice. Go on. 

Jenny. It's your own fault, Mr. Walkinshaw. You led me 
to believe that yours was a virgin heart. 

Fog. Too bad, Walkinshaw too bad. 



2-3 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Wai. {furiously}. Foggerty, I submit to Miss Talbot's re- 
proaches, for I respect and sympathize with the feelings that 
give them birth. But from you I will not stand it. Take care, 
sir take care ! 

Jenny. Wouldn't you rather retire, Mr. Walkinshaw ? It 
must pain you to see us like this. 

Wai. No I must learn to bear it. Go on ; but do it by 
degrees. Put your arm around her waist, Foggerty. There 
let me get used to that first. {Writhes in anguish?) 

Jenny. If you had been all that you represented yourself to 
be, you would to-day have stood in Frederick's place, and he 
would, very likely, have been your best man. 

Wai. And bad would have been the best ! Miss Talbot, it 
is true that I had already loved, but whom ? A woman who 
lived on actions for breach of promise who had already brought 
eighteen such actions, and who was seeking every opportunity 
to make me the defendant in a nineteenth. Foggerty, oblige 
me by allowing Miss Talbot to rest her head on your shoulder. 

Fog. Do you mean it? (She does so.} 

Wai. Oh, it is hard to bear ! it is hard to bear ! ( Writhing.} 
Now kiss her. (FOGGERTY does so.} Oh ! ! ! ( Writhing.} 

Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw, you deliberately deceived me, and 
I can never believe you again. 

Fog. I'm surprised at you, Walkinshaw, I am indeed. 

Wai. Miss Talbot, I admit that I deceived you. Still, if 
you will so far forget the past as to extend credence to me when 
I tell you, on the faith and honour of a broken-hearted gentle- 
man, that your wedding-dress has just arrived, you will pour 
one drop of balm into a wound that has hitherto yawned 
balmless. 

Jenny. My wedding-dress arrived ! And you brought it ! 
Oh, thank you, thank you. Mr. Walkinshaw, there is much 
that is very nice about you. Oh, why did you deceive me 
once ? But for that I might even now be but no (looking at 
FOGGERTY), it is better as it is ! [Exit JENNY. 

Fog. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Walkinshaw ! 
Wai. Cheat ! impostor ! snake ! 

Fog. Not at all, Walkinshaw. I've merely profited by your 
example. 

Wai. Oh, this is hard this is bitterl} 7 hard ! However, 
you're not married yet, that's one comfort. 

Fog. No; but I shall be in half an hour and that's 
another. 

Wai. Don't be too sure; I have news for you. Delia 
Spiff, your late fiancee, arrived from Melbourne yesterday. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY, 27 

. Are you in earnest ? 

WaL Look at that. (Hands newspaper.} 

Fog. (reads). Blackball line " Red Knight " -specie 
passengers on board Miss Delia Spiff ! What's to be done ? 
She'll come here of course ! The Talbots are her only living 
relatives ! Why, she may arrive at any moment, and if she 
should 

WaL It would be a just retribution. You trifled with her, 
sir ! (Sternly.} 

Fog. Trifled with her ? Nonsense ! you can't trifle witli an 
old woman with a green umbrella. Besides, I was in Mel- 
bourne, starving, penniless. There, under my very nose, so to 
speak, was a comic old dowager, absolutely rolling in bank 
notes and sound securities rolling in them, sir under my 
very nose ! What was I to do ? 

WaL A man of proper feeling would have looked the other 
way. 

Fog. I had the bank notes before my eyes; they dazzled 
me. I didn't see the dowager at least not clearly until some 
weeks after I proposed for her. As soon as my eyes got used to 
the glare of the money the dowager dawned upon me. 

WaL How did she look ? 

Fog. Fearful ! I couldn't do it. I couldn't, indeed. You 
couldn't do it. I didn't like to tell her so, so I implied it 
gently and delicately. In fact, I bolted, and came to England. 
I found Jenny, the friend of my childhood, young and cheerful. 
She was engaged to you; but, nevertheless, she was quite 
cheerful. I felt it to be my duty to let her know how basely 
you had deceived her. You were dismissed, and I stepped 
into your shoes, in the assumed character of a gentleman who 
had never loved before. And in half an hour I marry her. 

WaL Supposing, always, that Spiff don't turn up. 

Fog. Walkinshaw, she shan't turn up. I won't give her 
time to turn up ; we'll be off at once. (Impatiently.) What 
are we waiting for? Why don't they come? Why don't we 
start? What an extraordinary thing it is that a woman 
cannot be punctual! (Calling.} Jenny, are you ready? 
What! "five minutes?" It's an unreasonable time. Can't 
you come as you are? " Impossible? " Ridiculous ! (Getting 
more impatient.} What is the reason of this preposterous 
delay ? Why does everything go wrong to-day ? Why have 
you got a confounded green waistcoat, and a ridiculous red tie ? 
(Pulling him about.} 

WaL Don't ! I'm dressed for a wedding ! 

Fog. Dressed for a wedding? You're dressed for a lobster 



28 FOGGERTV'S FAIRY. 

salad! (To footstool.} You get out! (Kicking it.} You're 
always in the way ! 

Wai. (at door). This is what it is to play with women's 
hearts ! But a terrible revenge will be mine. The wedding 
breakfast has yet to be eaten, and I supply the wine. [Exit. 

Fog. Upon my soul, I believe I'm the unluckiest dog 
breathing ! I did think I was safe this time. She'll come here, 
of course and then Why don't that girl come? (Call- 
ing.} Jenny, do come along! Never mind the hooks and 
eyes. You can do them in the carriage. What ? " Couldn't 
think of such a thing." There, isn't that a woman all over? 
Dress dress dress. Always dressing, and never done with it. 
(Looking at ivatch.) Half-past eleven ! We shan't get to the 
church for an hour, and if Delia should turn up ! It's fearful 
it's more than fearful. It's appalling ! It's a fix that nothing 
short of a fairy godmother could get me out of. Why haven't 
I a fairy godmother ? People used to have them. You had 
only to invite them to your christening, and they'd do anything 
for you. Now, I call that gratitude. But fairy godmothers 
are out of fashion now, and gratitude went out with them. 
Still, if there is such a thing as a guardian angel watching over 
me, here is an opportunity to show what she's worth, that may 
never occur again. (Slow music. The wall opens, and the 
fairy EEBECCA is discovered standing in front of a revolving 
star. He does not see her, but lie hears the slow music.} There's 
a confounded German band outside, with the clarionet out of 
tune, as usual. 

llcb. (coming doivn}. Mr. Foggerty ! 

Fog. Eh ! (Turns and sees her.) Hallo ! I beg your 
pardon, but 

Reb. You don't know me ? 

Fog. I that is Well, no, I don't know you. 

Reb. I'm the Fairy Rebecca ! 

Fog. The Fairy Eebecca ? 

Reb. Yes ; don't be frightened. I'm a good fairy. 

Fog. Now, you be off ; we've nothing for you. Come, away 
you go. 

Reb. You don't believe me? 

Fog. No, I don't believe you. 

Reb. (humbly). Upon my word I'm speaking the truth. 
I really am a fairy, lam indeed. Didn't you see me appear? 

Fog. No. 

Reb. I came through that wall right through it! 

Fog. Can you disappear through it? 

Reb. Certainly. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 29 

Fog. Then the sooner you do it the better. 

Reb. (going towards lualT). I think you're extremely 
unkind. I came simply because I thought I might be of use 
to you. But if you don't want me 

Fog. Stop. Are you, by any chance, in earnest ? 

Reb. Of course I'm in earnest; but it's the old story. Nobody 
believes in us nowadays. Time was when we mixed ourselves 
up, as a matter of course, in human business. We were a 
power then, and people were afraid of us. Whenever an 
important christening took place we were invited as a matter 
of course, and if any one of us was neglected, it was bad for the 
baby. Ah, those were days ! 

Fog. But that was some time ago. We don't associate 
ladies of your calling with frockcoats and trousers. 

Reb. Exactly ; and so our existence is reduced to a mere 
question of tailoring. If tights and trunks came in again, I 
suppose we should come in again with them. 

Fog. I trust not. I trust not. 

Reb. Why not? 

Fog. Because they are not usually worn by ladies. 

Reb. (pettishly). Come into fashion with them ! One has to 
pick one's words in speaking to you, you are so matter-of-fact. 

Fog. It's a matter-of-fact age. 

Reb. Not particularly. Every age is matter-of-fact to those 
who live in it. Komance died the day before yesterday. To-day 
will be romantic the day after to-morrow. 

Fog. Yes. Perhaps if you looked in again the day after to- 
morrow 

Rel. I'm speaking metaphorically. Don't be ridiculous. 
Now then, business. I'm your tutelary fairy. 

Fog. My what ? 

Reb. Your tutelary fairy your guardian genius. I hover over 
you like this. (Hovers.') You know what I mean. 

Fug. Am I to understand that you're always hovering over 
me when I don't know it? 

Reb. Certainly. 

Fug. Oh! 

Reb. What's the matter ? 

Fog. Nothing. It's embarrassing, that's all. I wish I'd 
known it before ! Has this hovering been going on long ? 

Reb. About eighteen months ever since your engagement 
to Delia Spiff. The fact is I was sorry to see a fine young 
man throwing himself away on a ridiculous old woman, so I said 
to myself, "That young man's making a fool of himself; I'll 
keep my eye on that young man," 



30 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Fog. Oh! you know about Delia Spiff? 

Reb. To be sure. We all know about it. It's a standing 
joke up in Fairyland. 

Fog. Is it ? It's rather a serious matter down here. But 
can I offer you anything ? 

Reb. Thank you. I'll take a glass of sherry and a biscuit. 
(He helps her. She drinks.') Now, then, what s the difficulty? 

Fog. Oh, it's about that woman ; she's the bane of my life ! 
I'm on the point of being married to a most delightful girl, and 
I'm expecting Spiff to turn up every moment and claim me. 

Reb. Ah ! I thought as much! Well, what do you want me 
to do ? I can't strangle Delia, you know, because I'm a good 
fairy. 

Fog. What a pity. 

Reb. (with alacrity). Yes ; but I know a bad fairy who'd do 
it at once if I asked her. 

Fog. No, no ! I don't want to hurt Delia ; but if you could 
manage to marry her offhand to somebody to Walkinshaw, 
for instance 

Reb, No, it would be too hard on Walkinshaw. You see I'm 
a good fairy ! The bad fairy I was speaking about would do 
it with pleasure if I asked her; but it would take time, and 
I suppose time is precious. 

Fog. It is indeed. {Looking at his watch.) It's very annoy- 
ing, for that woman's been the curse of my existence. All my 
misfortunes have had their origin in my engagement to her, 
and if I could blot her out of my existence I should be the 
happiest man alive. 

Reb. (musing). Blot her out of your existence? Well, I 
think I could do that for you. 

Fog. (delighted). You could ! 

Reb. Ye-es (considering), there's no difficulty at all about 
that; but 

Fog. Then I'll do it ! 

Reb. Don't be in a hurry. Think what you're about. If you 
blot. Delia Spiff out of your career, you blot out at the same 
time all the consequences that came of your having known her. 

Fog. But, my good girl, that's exactly what I want to do! 

Reb. Take care. The consequences of an act are often much 
more numerous and important than people have any idea of. 
Take your own case : you come of a good family, and you are 
proud of it. 

Fog. We are the Lancashire Foggertys. 

Reb. No doubt. You didn't do much towards it, and I don't 
see what you've got to be proud of; but still, proud you are. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 31 

Now you would never have been born if your father had never 
met your mother. 

Fog. I suppose not. 

lieb. And your father met your mother in this wise. Some 
thirty-six years ago, as he was walking down Regent Street, his 
attentions were directed to a sculptor's shop, in which was a 
remarkable monument to a Colonel Culpepper, who died of a 
cold caught in going into the Ganges to rescue a favourite dog 
which had fallen into it. An old schoolfellow passed by, and, 
touching your father on the shoulder, asked him to dinner. 
Your father went, and at the dinner met your mother, whom 
he eventually married. And that's how you came about. 

Fog. I see. If my father hadn't had that invitation to dinner 
I should never have been born. 

Reb. No doubt; but your existence is primarily due to a 
much more remote cause. If your father hadn't loitered opposite 
the sculptor's shop, his schoolfellow would never have met him. 
If Colonel Culpepper hadn't died, your father would never have 
stopped to look at his monument. If Colonel Culpepper 's 
favourite dog had never tumbled into the Ganges, the Colonel 
would never have caught the cold that led to his death. If 
that favourite dog's father had never met that favourite dog's 
mother that favourite dog would, never have been born, neither 
would you. And yet you're proud of your origin ! 

Fog. I see. I never looked at it in that light. It's humili- 
ating, for a Lancashire Foggerty. 

Reb. It is humiliating. Well, now you see where you are, 
and you can do as you like. Here is a small phial and a box 
of prepared pills. When you wish to eliminate a factor from 
your social equation, all you have to do is to express your wish 
and swallow the draught. When you wish to see me, all you 
have to do is to express your wish and swallow a pill. But 
take my advice, don't use it except in the last extremity. 
Remember, if you obliterate an act and its consequences, it's 
impossible to say what incidents may not have taken their 
place. You are pretty nearly sure to lind yourself in an entirely 
altered state of circumstances. 

Fog. I understand. But 

Reb. Yes? 

Fog. There's one question I should like to ask This is not 
a pantomime ? 

jRei. Bless the man, no. 

Fog. It won't end in my being changed into Harlequin, and 
Jenny into Columbine, or any nonsense of that sort, will it ? 
Because if it does 



32 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Eeb. You need not alarm yourself. This is not a Pantomime, 
but a very graceful and poetical Fairy Extravaganza. Rather 
dull, perhaps, but quite refined, and containing nothing what- 
ever that could shock the sensibilities of the most fastidious. 

Fog. That's quite sufficient. You understand the nature of 
my objection ? ; 

Eeb. Perfectly 

Fog. It wouldn't be dignified 

Eeb. I quite understand. 

Fog. A Lancashire Foggerty jumping through a window ! 

Eeb. Oh ! it wouldn't do at all. Well, I must be off now, 
for I've got to dance second in a ballet in a fairy glen in half 
an hour. Remember, when you eliminate an act from your 
career, all its consequences, direct and indirect, are eliminated 
with it ; so take my advice, and don't use it except in a last 
emergency. Where's my vampire? (Looking around.} Oh! 
I see thank you. (Placing herself opposite Vampire.} All 
right. Go ! 

[Vampire opens. She steps into it, it closes, and she dis- 
appears. Hurried music. 

Fog. (bewildered}. So I've a guardian spirit, have I ? I'm a 
sort of human ward in fairy chancery, and wherever I go, and 
whatever I do, there's a supernatural lady always at hand, 
popping in upon me when I least expect it, and looking down 
upon me when I haven't an idea of it. It's complimentary 
it's even gratifying but it's distinctly embarrassing. I'll 
defy any man to feel unconstrained and at his ease when he 
knows that there's an invisible young woman at his elbow all 
day long; and as for this phial how do I know that my 
position will be improved if I use it? I don't like these 
unknown incidents that she alludes to. There's such a thing 
as getting out of the frying-pan into the fire. By Jove, when 
I think of the difficulties and dangers with which I'm sur- 
rounded, I feel uncommonly inclined to begin at the beginning, 
and wish that Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog's father had 
remained a bachelor to the end of his days ! 



Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE. 

Oh, here you are at last. Now let's be off. 

Jenny. And haven't you a word to say about my dress ? 

Fog. Eh, what ? Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Now, do come ! 

Lot. Isn't it lovely ! Isn't it quite too charming ? 

Tot. And look at the lace ! It's Venetian point. And the 
bouquet ! and do look at the wreath ! It's absolutely heavenly. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 33 

Fog. Damn the wreath ! 

Jenny. Oh! {Bursts into tears.} Oh dear! did you hear 
what he said ? 

Enter OLD TALBOT and WALKINSHAW, with the other guests 

from garden. 

Fog. Here you are at last ! 

Tal. Yes, all ready. Now then. (Sees JENNY crying.) Why, 
what's the matter now? You've got your dress, and what 
more do you want? 

Jenny (crying). Oh, papa ! It's Frederick ! 

Tal. What has he done ? Don't he like the dress ? 

Jenny. Yes yes, he he likes the dress, but but he 
damned the wreath! 

Tal. (horrified). Foggerty, did you seriously damn that 
wreath ? 

Fog. Well, I damned it, but not seriously. It was a figure 
of speech. 

Tal. (to JENNY, ivho is whimpering}. There, there, you hear. 
It was a figure of speech. (To the others.} It was a poetical 
metaphor. A man may be allowed to indulge in a poetical 
metaphor on his wedding-day. 

Walker. If a man may not be allowed to indulge in a poetical 
metaphor on his own wedding-day, on whose wedding-day 
777 ay he? 

All. Ah! (Sighing.) 

Fogle. I cannot refrain, even at this supreme moment, 
from 

Fog. Stop I know what you're going to say. I'm utterly 
unworthy of her. With her money, she might have done much 
better, and, no doubt, there's a good deal against me, if you 
only knew it. That's what you were going to say. Isn't it ? 

All. It is. 

Fogle. That sort of thing. 

Fog. Well, then, I quite agree with you. It's carried 
unanimously. Now, let the subject drop. 

Tal. Jenny, take my arm Uncle Fogle offer your arm to 
Aunt Bogle ; Walker take Lottie ; Balker take Tottie ; Foggerty, 
3'ou follow with Walkinshaw, as a matter of course. (To all, 
who are looking very miserable.) Now, my dear friends, can't 
you manage to get up a smile ? This is not a funeral. 

Aunt B. Very true. Let us all smile. 

[All smile except WALKINSHAW, u*ho is scowling. 

Tal. Walkinshaw, if you don't smile you shall go home. 

Jenny. Oh, Mr. Walkinshaw, pray smile, for my sake! 

III. D 



34 FOGGERTy*S FAIRY. 

Wai. For your sake ? (Sighs, then, with an effort.) For your 
sake I will! (Assumes a forced smile.) 

Tal. That's it capital! and whatever you do, mind you 
keep that up. Now, then, away we go ! 

[They move toiuards door, when it opens, and Miss DELIA 
SPIFF enters. She is a very eccentric-looking old 
lady, and carries a large green umbrella. 

Miss S$>iff. Stop ! 

All. Who is this ? 

Fog. (horrified). Delia Spiff! I knew it! I'm a ruined man ! 

Jenny. Why, I declare it's Aunt Delia ! 

All. Aunt Delia ? 

Miss Spiff. Yes ; Aunt Spiff, arrived at Victoria Docks this 
morning, from Melbourne. 

Jenny. Why, how fortunate! You're just in time for my 
wedding ! 

Miss Spiff. Your wedding? Whom are you going to marry? 

Tal. Mr. Frederick Foggerty. 

Miss Spiff. Oh, indeed ! 

Fog. (confused). Delighted, I'm sure. 

Miss Spiff, (to FOGGERTY). Well, you're a pretty fellow, you 
are ! 

Jenny. Frederick is generally admired. 

Miss S2)iff. (to FOGGERTY). So I've caught you at last, 
have I ? 

Jenny. What do you mean ? 

Miss Spiff. That young man belongs to me. 

All. What! 

Miss Spiff. Here it is black and white. (Producing docu- 
ment.) He admired me. I can't imagine what he saw in me 
to admire, but he saw something. I attracted him ; he grew 
attentive. I fascinated him ; he grew sentimental. I was coy; 
he proposed to me. I accepted him ; he grew indifferent. I 
sang to him ; he wearied of me. I danced before him ; he fled ! 
Wai. Oh, Foggerty, for shame ! Too bad. 

Tul. (dismally). You needn't smile any more at present, 
gentlemen. 

Jenny. Frederick, what does this mean ? 

Fog. I believe she refers to me. It's nothing. It's a figure 
of speech, a mere form, commonly employed by elderly Aus- 
tralian ladies in in renewing a a Platonic acquaintance. 
(Eel apses.) 

Tal. You hear ? It's a figure of speech, a flight of metaphor 
nothing more. 

Walker. If an elderly Australian lady may not be allowed to 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 35 

indulge in a flight of metaphor on renewing a Platonic acquaint- 
ance, who may ? 

Tal. To be sure. Thank you, Walker. (To company.} It's 
all right, you can smile again. (All smile mechanically.} 

Miss Spiff. Stuff and nonsense. There ain't much metaphor 
about me. I'm a plain fact. 

Fog. A hideous fact ! 

Jenny (with an effort). Aunt Delia, am I to understand that 
Mr. Frederick Foggerty offered marriage to you ? 

Miss Spiff (indignantly). Why, to be sure you are ! What 
do you suppose he offered? 

Jenny. It is well. I renounce him. You can go home, 
everybody. There will be no wedding to-day. Oh, papa, 
papa ! to think that even he has loved before ! (Sobs on 
TALBOT'S breast.) 

Tal. (to company, who have preserved their fixed smile 
through this). You needn't smile now, gentlemen. (All scowl.) 

Fog. Jenny I haven't I didn't it it was a Platonic 
engagement. 

Miss Spiff. A Platonic fiddlestick ! 

Fog. Miss Spiff, you will not insist on your bond. You will 
be merciful! You will not dash the cup the dash it, the jug 
of happiness from my lips. You have a great heart, and so you 
will not do these things ! 

Miss Spiff. Won't I ? Come to the altar ! (Collaring him.) 

Tal. But my good woman. 

Miss Spiff. Woman yourself. (To FOGGERTY.) Come to joy ! 

Tal. Now, pray do be reasonable. Pray do let's have a little 
common sense. 

Miss Spiff. You shall. You want it. Hark ye, sir. You 
are in trade ? 

Tal. 1 am. Wholesale. 

Miss Spiff. So am I. Wholesale. What's your stock V 

Tal. Mine's cheese. 

Miss Spiff. Mine's charms. It's a small business. There 
ain't many of them, and what there are ain't much to speak of. 
The stock's damaged, isn't it ? 

Tal. Well, as for that, I can hardly be so ungallant as to 
admit, to a lady's face, that that 

Miss Spiff. tStuff and nonsense. Is it damaged or is it not ? 
Come! out with it. Yes, or no? 

Tal. Well, if you put it in that way, it is damaged. 

Miss Spiff. Not the sort of goods that one can get off one's 
hands every day in the week ? 

Tal. Oh, I don't say that. I can quite understand, for 



36 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 

instance, that a snug, elderly gentleman, with a comfortable 
independence, would 

Miss Spiff (abruptly}. Will you have me ? 

Tal. (taken aback). God bless me, no ! 

Miss Spiff. Of course you wouldn't, and you're right. / 
wouldn't if I was you. Well, I've had a bid from that ridicu- 
lous young man. I knocked myself down to him and he fled. 

Fog. (on the sofa, feebly). In all cases of dispute the goods to 
be put up again and knocked down to the highest bidder. 

Miss Spiff. But there ain't any dispute. Here it is black 
and white. (Producing document.') " I, Frederick Foggerty, 
agree to marry you, Delia Spiff," and so on. I had it stamped. 
Easiness. 

Fog. Jenny, once more, save me from this catastrophe ! 
After all, you are rich, and it's a mere question of compensation ! 

Jenny. Away, sir ! I regard you with horror ! You have 
deceived a trusting young heart ! 

Miss Spiff. And a suspicious old one ! 

Aunt Bogle. Go, viper ! We expected something of this sort. 

Tal. But 

Miss Spiff. Come to the altar come to joy. (Collaring 
FOGGERTY.) 

Tal. This is most exasperating on a festive occasion ! 
Confound you, why didn't you turn up before, ma'am ? That 
wedding-dress wasn't made under twenty pounds, and it's 
wasted ! Then there's the breakfast, and the carriages, and a 
new pair of trousers bought expressly for the occasion ! 

Miss Spiff. Don't distress yourself. I'll take them off your 
hands. 

Tal. They're not on my hands they're on my legs, and I 
won't have them taken off on any account ! 

Miss Spiff (to FOGGERTY). Now, sir, are you ready ? 

Fog. Talbotj won't you say a word for me ? Uncle Fogle, 
Aunt Bogle, Lottie, Tottie, Walker, Balker ? 

[All turn from him. 

Uncle Fogle. Not a word, sir. We felt sure of this all along, 
but, from motives of delicacy, we didn't say so. We confined 
ourselves to thinking it. 

Lot. We consider that Jenny has had a most fortunate 
escape. 

Tot. And we hope it will be a lesson to you for the future. 

Fog. It's all over. I'm lost ! Lead me away ! 

Miss Spiff. Come to joy ! 

Fog. Stop ! The draught ! Kebecca's draught ! I forgot 
that ! Matters couldn't look worse than they are. It's a 



FOGGERTY S FAIRY. 37 

desperate remedy, but it's my only way out of it ! (Staggers.) 
Oh! oh! Help! I'm fainting! 
Jenny. Gracious, he's fainting. 

[They wheel the sofa. JENNY rushes to him and supports 

him ; he struggles to loosen his collar. 
Miss Spiff. Fainting ? Here's a pin. Prick him. 
Jenny (to Miss SPIFF). You brute ! The eau-de-cologne 
quick ! 

Fog. My tie, undo it ! My waistcoat ! Give me air ! give 
me water! Quick! quick! Water water water! (Gasp- 
ing, and kicking violently, on sofa.) 

Jenny (in great distress). Oh, give him water give him 
water, somebody ! 

[WALKINGSHAW has poured out a glass of water and 

handed it to him. Slow music to end of act. 
Fog. (rising and deliberately pouring the contents of the 
phial into the glass of water). Ladies and gentlemen, I de- 
liberately wish that my acquaintance with Miss Spiff, and all 
its consequences, may henceforward be blotted out of my 
existence ! 

[They all fall back in astonishment as FOGGERTY drinks. 
He falls insensible on sofa. All group round him 
as he falls. Picture. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. A handsomely furnished back drawing-room in Harley 
Street. A wedding-bouquet on table. FOGGERTY is dis- 
covered asleep on a sofa. Enter FAIRY KEBECOA through 
trap in stage. 

Heb. (looking at FOGGERTY). Well, it's about time to wake 
him. Poor fellow, he little thinks how materially his acquaint- 
ance with Miss Spiff has affected his subsequent adventures ! 
Now that he has obliterated her and all the complicated 
consequences that came of his having known her, he won't 
know whether he's on his head or his heels. I'm really rather 
sorry for him. However, I mustn't allow sentiment to interfere 
with duty. It's time to wake him, so here goes. 

[ Waves wand. FOGGERTY yaiuns, stretches himself and 
wakes. 

Fog. (half awake). Hallo! I've been asleep. (Yawns.) 



38 FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 

Drearuiug too ! What queer things dreams are ! I dreamt 
that a Fairy appeared to me and gave me an ounce bottle, 

and told me that if I swallowed the contents (Sees the 

phial in his hand.} Hallo ! steady man, steady pull yourself 
together! Why, as I am alive, here it is. The very one. 
(Reads direction label.} " To obliterate a circumstance, take 
two tea-spoonfuls in a glass of water." Then it couldn't 
have been a dream ! I remember it all now. I was on the 
point of being married to Jenny and Spiff turned up and 
I determined to blot out Spiff and I suppose I have blotted 
her out (looking round) ; at all events she isn't here. (Sees 
REBECCA). Hallo ! 

Reb. Hallo! 

Fog. Well ! Here we are again ! 

Reb. Yes, here we are again. 

Fog. So Spiff's blotted out ? 

Reb. Yes ; Spiff's done with ; no more Spiff. 

Fog. No chance of her coming back eh ? 

Reb. None whatever. Your acquaintance with Spiff and all 
its consequences are blotted out of your existence. 

Fog. Come, that's something. But I don't know this room. 
Where am I ? 

Reb. You're where you would have been if you'd never 
known Spiff. 

Fog. Of course I am ; but where's that ? 

Reb. Can't tell, I'm sure. 

Fog. Don't you know ? 

Reb. I don't say I don't know ; I only say I can't tell. 

Fog. Doesn't it occur to you that for a guardian spirit you 
take a rather airy and, if I may so express myself, philosophical 
view of your duties ? 

Reb. A guardian spirit? Oh, I'm not your guardian 
spirit now. 

Fog. The deuce you're not ? 

Reb. Oh dear, no ; that's all over wiped out with Spiff. 

Fog. And w liy wiped out with Spiff ? 

Reb. You will recollect that I became your guardian spirit 
because I was sorry to see a fine young man throw himself 
away upon such an old scarecrow as Spiff. 

Fog. Well? 

Reb. But as you haven't thrown yourself away upon Spiff, 
the occasion for my services hasn't arisen. You see you never 
knew Spiff. 

Fog. Ob. May I ask if any other friends have been Spiffed 
out. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 39 

Reb. Once more, I'm not at liberty to say. (Going to trap.} 
You'll excuse me, I'm sure. 

Fog. But you're not going without giving me some clue to 
my position ? 

Reb. I must ; I can't help you, you must find it all out for 
yourself. I'm due at a Transformation Scene to change a respect- 
able young plumber and a good plain cook into Harlequin and 
Columbine, and the gas is a serious item. I'm sorry I can't be 
of any further service to you; but, you see, I'm Spiffed out! 
Good morning. (On trap.) Go ! 

[She stamps her foot and disappears through trap. 

Fog. (in bewilderment}. But, here, I say ! I've no idea where 
I am, or who I am, or how I'm here, or whose house this is, 
and how I came into it or, for that matter, whose trousers 
these are, and how I came into them I What am I to do ? 
I can't go about asking people if they'll kindly tell me who 
I am, or if they'll be so obliging as to inform me where I live, 
or what I did yesterday, or what I've arranged to do to-morrow; 
they'd take me for a lunatic ! And Jenny, how about Jenny ? 
is she Spiffed out ? No, no. I knew her long before I knew 
Spi(V. So that can't be. Now, let me see. I was on the point 
of being married to Jenny when Spiff turned up and prevented 
the marriage. But Spiffs obliterated. So, of course the 
marriage went on, and of course I'm married to Jenny. By- 
the-by, I wonder if I've been married to her long ? I hope 
not. When you're head over ears in love with a girl, as I was 
with Jenny, it's disappointing to go to sleep and wake up and 
find that you've been married to her ever so long, and got 
tired of her, as I'll be bound I have of Jenny. (Finds a letter 
in his pocket.} Hallo! Here's a letter. It's addressed to me 
and opened ! Now, who the deuce has dared to open letters 
addressed to me? Oh! I suppose /did. I don't recollect 
doing it, but that doesn't seem to signify. (Reads.} " Dearest, 
take heart." Hallo ! this is not Jenny's hand ! (Resumes.) 
" Dearest, take heart. Situated as we are towards one another, 
I do not think it would be quite prudent in me to call upon 
you." No, I should think not ! " Nevertheless, in the course 
of to-morrow, I hope to be in a position to remove, for ever, 
the crushing load of anxiety under which you have so long 
laboured." That's all ! No signature. Humph ! It seems 
that I'm infernally anxious about something; it would be 
convenient to know what it is. I'll ask Jenny. But, stop 
a moment, perhaps Jenny doesn't know of this letter. Now, 
I wonder if she knows of it. I'll be bound she doesn't know 
of it. There's something about this letter I don't know what 



4 o FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 

but something that suggests that in all probability I 
shouldn't have shown it to her. Humph ! I am extremely 
sorry to say that, notwithstanding the strictness of my prin- 
ciples, circumstances seem to point to the fact that I've been 
going it. 

Enter LOTTIE and TOTTIE in the lonnets and dresses they wore 

in Act I. 

Lot. Oh, Mr. Foggerty ! 

Fog. Lottie! Tottie ! I'm delighted to see you. I'm delighted 
to find that you're not Spiffed out. 

Tot. Not Spiffed out ? Ob, but we natter ourselves 
that we are spitted out ; at all events, we've got our best 
dresses on. 

Lot. I should think so ; on this day of all others. 

Fog. Of course; but I didn't mean that. Never mind. 
(Aside.) Now, by a judicious course of pumping, I shall 
rind out exactly how I'm situated. (Aloud.) Well, what 
is it? 

Tot. A lady has sent this up (giving card), and says she 
must see you at once. 

Fog. (looking at card). Malvina de Vere ! I don't know 
Malvina de Vere. 

Lot. Oh, that's nonsense. She says you are her dearest 
friend. 

Fog. Oh, absurd ! 

Lot. Well, that's what she says. 

Fog. The deuce she does ! (Aside.) Now, this must be 
eome one whom I should have known, if I hadn't known Spiff 
some one, in fact, who's been Spiffed out. This is awkward. 
I wonder if Jenny knows of this ? (Aloud.) By-the-by, where 
is Jenny ? 

Lot. Jenny? Oh, she's upstairs, poor girl. 

Fog. (aside). "Poor girl?" Why " poor girl," I wonder? 
(Aloud.) Ah, poor girl ! How is she by this time? 

Tot. Oh, pretty well. 

Fog. Pretty well ? Not very well ? 

Tot. Why, you can hardly expect her to be very well, on this 
day of all others. 

Fog. Naturally. (Aside.) I wonder what day of all others 
this is? 

Lot. But still she is as well as can be expected. 

Fog. As well as (Aside.) I see where I am now. 

I've been married some time, and I wonder if it's a boy or 



FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 4' 

a girl ! It would be ridiculous to ask. I'll go and sco her. 
(Going.') 

Tot. Where are you going ? 

Fog. Going? Why, to see Jenny, of course. 

Tot. Oh, you can't possibly see her, she's dressing. 

Fog. Well, what of that? 

Lot. Upon ray word, Mr. Foggertj', 

Tot. You can't go up to her; you must really wait till she 
comes down. 

Fog. Oh, she is well enough to come down, is she ? 

Lot. What a question ; and on this day of all others ! Of 
course she is. 

Fog. Exactly; on this day of all others. (Aside). What 
does she mean by " this day of all others " ? 

Tot. It's a day / never expected to see. 

Fog. Didn't you? Bless me, I knew all about it from the 
first. 

Lot. When one thinks of all the circumstances of the case, 
one sees how true it is that truth is stranger than fiction. 

Tot. Oh, what a novel it would make! Only think. The 
young and penniless apothecary who had never known what 
love was 

Lot. The wholesale cheesemonger's daughter 

Tot. Their meeting the dawn of love in the apothecary's 
heart 

Lot. The opposition of the cruel and mercenary parent 

Tot. Her determination to wed the apothecary at all 
hazards 

Lot. Everything at a dead lock ! Then the discovery of the 
pill- 

Tot. At midnight 

Lot. Its sudden renown 

Tot. The pill in everybody's mouth 

Lot. Stupendous fortune realized by the inventor in no 
time. All opposition removed, and they're to be married 
to-day ! 

Fog. (who has been looking from one to the other in bewildered 
wonderment during this dialogue). To-day ! 

Lot. Of course ! The successful young apothecary and the 
cheesemonger's lovely daughter are to be united to-day. 

Fog. (aside). To-day! (Aloud.') But I thought you said 
she was as well as could bo expected ? 

Lot. Well, so I did, and so she is. 

Tot. Bless the man, she's nervous and excited, of course, but 
she's not too ill to be married, 



42 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Lot. I should think not, indeed; one must be bad for that! 

[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE, laughing. 

Fog. Then I'm not married after all, and, what's more, I'm to 
be married to-day .' Why, of course, here's the wedding- 
bouquet? I see it all now. I've invented a pill, the pill's 
taken Fm a man of fortune and the wedding is to take 
place from my house. Why, with a little tact a little judicious 
pumping how easy it all is. By-the-by, I wonder where I 
live? (Looks out of window.) Harley Street ! Of course it's 
Harley Street. A man who invents a successful pill always 
does live in Harley Street ! But this lady my dearest friend 
on earth. That's awkward on one's wedding-day. I can't 
imagine anything more awkward on one's wedding-day. Does 
Jenny know of this ? I'll be bound Jenny does not know of 
this. There's something about this lady's method I don't 
know what that convinces me that I shouldn't have told Jenny 
anything about her. Foggerty, my boy, I'm extremely sorry 
to say that circumstances point to the fact that you've been 
going it ! 

Enter Miss DE VERE. She is a tall, stately lady of middle age 
and tragical demeanour. She stands at the door for a 
moment gazes at him melodramatically then rushes to 
his arms. 

Miss de V. Frederick! At last! at last! (Gazes at him 
fondly.} 

Fog. (aside). She's a bosom friend no doubt about that! 
(Aloud, and much embarrassed?) I a have much pleasure 
in 

Miss de V. Don't speak, not yet (gazing at him), not yet, 
I entreat you ! Let me drink you in ! 

Fog. Certainly. Be so obliging as to say when you've had 
enough. 

Miss de V. There I'm satisfied. 

Fog. (aside). I wish I was. 

Miss de V. Now speak to me ! Oh ! my love ! My tender, 
tender love ! Speak to me as you used to speak to me call me 
by the name by which you used to call me ! 

Fog. Really (Aside.) By George, I have boon going it ! 

Miss de V. The old, old name the pet name of so many 
happy memories oh, call me by it, call me by it ! 

Fog. Certainly; I (refers to visiting card) I believe I have 
the a pleasure of addressing Miss de Vere? 

Miss de V. Miss de Vere! (Drawing herself lack in great 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 43 

surprise.} Miss de Vere? Why, what means this? Why 
this extraordinary coolness, why this chilling formality and 
on this day of all others ? 

Fog. I beg your pardon, but you took me so completely by 
surprise. 

Miss de V. By surprise? Have you forgotten my note, and 
your reply to it ? Read it, sir, read it. {Gives him a note.) 

Fog. With very great pleasure. {Aside.) Now I shall find 
out that infernal pet name. (Reads.} "My own." That's all. 
(Disappointed.) I hate a fellow who calls a girl "his own." 
(Reads.) " I recognize the propriety of your scruples in the par- 
ticularly delicate relation in which we stand towards each other. 
But I implore you to come and see me to-morrow morning, 
nevertheless." There, you see it says " to-morrow morning." 

Miss de V. This is to-morrow morning. 

Fog. Nonsense, that can't be, that's ridiculous. {Refers to 
note.) Oh, I see, it was dated yesterday. 

Miss de V. And now, sir, before I proceed to that extreme 
measure to which I have been unhappily so frequently com- 
pelled to resort, perhaps you will be so good as to explain and 
satisfactorily account for the extraordinary coldness of your 
reception. 

Fog. My coldness ? Oh, that was my scrupulous regard for 
the respect due to you in the particularly delicate relation in 
which we stand to one another. 

Miss de V. It was ? 

Fog. It was. Miss de Vere, I find it hard, very hard to con- 
tinue this assumption of indifference to you; but I am proud 
I am proud to say, that my better man is triumphant. 

Miss de V. I see ! I understand it all ! 

Fog. (aside). Then, by George, you've the advantage 
of me ! 

Miss de V. You will forgive the undeserved reproaches with 
which in my jealous madness I dared to assail you V 

Fog. Say no more about them they are pardoned. 

Miss de V. Why, what a mad fool was I ! 

Fog. You were -I mean no not at all. (Aside.) I wish 
she'd go. 

Miss de V. But I have been so often the victim of heartless 
and systematic treachery ! 

Fog. Have you ? 

Miss de V. Why, you know I have. 

Fog. So I do of course I know you have ! Poor girl, poor 
girl ! When I think of your sad story 

Miss de V. Ah ! it is a sad story ! 



44 FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 

Fog. I know it is. (Aside.) That's a sad story ! (Aloud.) 
But, bless me, it's eleven o'clock, and I've a most important 
engagement in half an hour, and I'm not dressed. Will you 
excuse me ? 

Miss de V. Oh, by all means. 

Fog. I suppose my dressing-room's upstairs? 

Miss de V. Keally, Mr. Foggerty, I don't know where your 
dressing-room is ! 

Fog. No, of course not. How should you? 

Miss de V. Exactly. How should I? But won't you say 
farewell to me before you go ? 

Fog. With great pleasure. But, at the same time, in 
accordance with the pledge contained in that letter, I must 
firmly resist the temptation to address you by that old pet 
name of happy memories, until the relations between us have 
become more indelicate that is to say, less delicate than they 
are. 

Miss de V. It is nobly spoken ; it is like your heroic self. 
But you are anxious, are you not? You do burn with a 
feverish anxiety to hear the word that is to be spoken this 
afternoon ? 

Fog. Miss de Ver<?, I assure you, on the honour of a 
Lancashire Foggerty, that I am tormented with a fidgety 
anxiety on an infinite number of topics, and on that among 
others ! Good morning. \_Exit. 

Miss de V. He is gone ! How strange and incoherent his 
manner how wild and flighty his eye ! Oh, mercy on me ! 
can it be that he, too, is false to me ? Can it be that I shall be 
once more driven to resort to the last and hated means of 
vindicating my rights ? No, no I'll not believe it and yet 
(Sees breakfast in back room.) Why, what is this ? By the 
God of Treachery it is a wedding-feast! Whose? Oh, im- 
possible ! and yet, his strange embarrassment his evasive 
hesitation! Oh, misery oh, misery, if it should be! Why, 
what a cursed thing am I? What have I done that this blight 
should fall on me wherever I go ? Why does Infidelity dog 
my path, while the serpent Treachery lifts his head on high 
and hisses forth a loud ha ! ha ! Oh, ye Fate-hags three ; 
soul torturers, my defiance to ye all ! The fight is betwixt ye 
and me, and I am not made of the stuff that yields. 

Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, as in Act I. 

Jenny. There, I think I look lovely ! (Sees Miss DE VERB.) 
A lady ! 



fOGGERTTS FAIRY. 45 

Miss de V. (aside, with emotion). It is the bride ! Down, 
down, my heart ! (Aloud.) Fear not, pretty one ; I am but 
Malvina de Vere a very sorrowful lady. 

Jenny. I am sorry you are sorrowful. 

Miss de V. (with an effort). And you you are the bride in 
whose honour these festive preparations have been made ? 

Jenny (sighing). Yes, I'm to be married to-day. How do 
you like my dress? 

Miss de V. It is very well it is very well. (Aside.) How 
my heart throbs ! Down, little one ; I must appear calm, and 
I cannot do so while you beat so rapidly. (Aloud.) You 
you are about to be married to Mr. Foggerty ? 

Jenny. To Mr. Foggerty? Oh dear, no ! "What could have 
put such an idea into your head? 

Miss de V. You are not going to marry Mr. Foggerty ? 

Jenny. Assuredly not ! He is my husband's best man. 

Miss de V. (relieved). It is well it is very well ! (Aside.) 
Little heart, you hear? 

Jenny. You seem agitated ! Can I offer you anything ? 

Miss de V. I am agitated, young bride. I I can never gaze 
upon a wedding garb without remembering that I, who am a 
simple maiden still, might, but for man's perfidy, have been, 
ere this, a grandmamma. 

Jenny. Have they been deceiving you ? 

Miss de V. Deceiving me? Eighteen times have I stood 
dauntlessly at matrimony's verge. Eighteen times my coward 
victim that is to say, my betrothed has quailed and fled ! 
He, man in name, blanched at the very danger that 1 
courted. 

Jenny. That's so like them ! And you, what did you do ? 

Miss de V. I took the only course that open to me lay. 
Eighteen times I offered up my bleeding heart a sacrifice at 
Themis' sympathetic shrine. Eighteen times did I lay bare 
its holiest workings, and call on all to come and gaze upon 
its palpitating pulp. And in each case I recovered substantial 
damages. 

Jenny. You did nobly ! And the nineteenth ? 

Miss de V. His fate is yet uncertain. For many months 
liave I lost sight of him. Yet have I heard within the last 
few weeks that he is also false and seeks another bride. 

Jenny. Oh, poor lady ! 

Miss de V. It matters little there's a twentieth in the 
field, whose exquisitively sensitive regard for my most difficult 
and delicate position falls scarcely short of the phenomenal ; 
but, ere I yield me to his ardent prayers, [ must in honour 



46 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 

satisfy myself that my nineteenth is false. This afternoon the 
problem will be solved. 

Jenny. My heart bleeds for you, sad and gentle lady. But 
whither go you now? 

Miss de V. I scarce can say ! To wander up and down and 
to and fro, restless as a caged panther in his den, until the 
double-barrelled news is brought that I am free to love and 
bring my action ! 

Jenny. Nay, but I'll not consign you to the mercies of the 
inhospitable street. This is my house, or shortly will be so ; 
pray rest you here, and when the solemn ceremony is over, we 
pray you join our merry-making, and in wild delirium of the 
breakfast forget the harrowing trouble at your heart. 

Miss de V. I thank you, maiden, for your sympathy. I'll 
not refuse the shelter that you proffer. 

Jenny. You'll find my boudoir on the two-pair-back. So, 
for the nonce, farewell ! May justice pour her balm upon your 
heart ! 

Miss de V. She has, my dear, in every other case, and, doubt- 
less, will in this. Once more, farewell. [Exit. 

Jenny (looking after her). Poor lady, with what a touching 
dignity she bears her many disappointments ! Her sad, sad 
tale touches me to the heart, for 1, too, have loved, but vainly. 
Oh, how I loved him and he knew it not ! But there I may 
not think of him henceforth I may think only of my Theo- 
dore ! 

Enter WALKINSHAW. 

Wai. Jenny ! my own ! at last at last my own ! 

Jenny. Oh, Theodore indifferent to me in all else, but 
interesting to me inasmuch as I am the only woman who ever 
kindled the fire of love within your heart, be true to me, be 
true to me ! 

Wai. Be true to you ? While life lasts ! 

Jenny. And you do love rue ? 

Wai. Love you? Haven't I settled the pill upon you? 

Jenny. Yes, yes ; you have been most generous. I am the 
only one ; am 1 not ? 

Wai. The only one, in truth. 

Jenny. And you have never known the throb of love ? 

Wai. Until you taught it me ! 

Jenny. It is something; nay, it is much. For you, my 
Theodore, I have no love, nor have I ever told you that I had ; 
but I esteem you, Theodore, I respect you. 

Wai. Oh, rapture ! But you are sad. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 47 

Jenny. Oh, Theodore, a lady has been here, such a sad, sad 
lady ! so tearful yet so calm so calm and yet so woebegone 
so woebegone and yet so dignified ! Eighteen times has that 
poor lady been thrown over. 

Wai. Thrown over where ? 

Jenny. And even now she has reason to believe that the 
nineteenth is trifling with her feelings ! 

Wai. (in great terror}. Bless my soul. What's her name ? 

Jenny. Her very name is Poetry and Soul ! 

Wai. Oh, then, I don't know her. (Much relieved.} It 
sounds like a firm. 

Jenny. She is called Malvina de Vere. 

Wai. (horrified aside}. It's she. If she finds me at home, 
she'll find me out. I'm ruined. (Aloud.} Where is she ? 

Jenny. Sobbing her heart out in the two-pair-back. 

Wai. In my house ? 

Jenny. In yours and mine. Poor tortured soul ; she waits a 
wire from her solicitor. 

Wai. (much agitated}. Jenny, I I have heard of this lady. 
She she is not altogether worthy of your sympathy 

Jenny. What ! ! ! How dare you, sir ! 

Wai. She she lives on actions for breach. She engages 
herself to an unsuspecting young man makes herself inten- 
tionally unpleasant. Her lover can't stand her, and breaks it 
off and she immediately brings an action. 

Jenny. Oh, shame on you to dare in my presence in the 
presence of your wife that is to be to palliate the conduct of 
a wretch who makes unpleasantness a ground for violating the 
troth that he has plighted ! Oh, shame upon you shame 
upon you ! 

Wai. But, Jenny, I 

Enter FOGGERTY dressed for ivedding, and sticking flower 

in buttonhole. 

Fog. There that's very nice. It's wonderful how a judi- 
ciously applied vegetable sets a man off. That'll do, I think. 
Now if I can only find some one who will give me a clue to 
(Sees WALKINSHAW). Walkinshaw my boy, you here ! 

Wai. Certainly I am. 

Fog. The very last man I expected to see, I give you my 
unadulterated word of honour! (Shaking hands enthusiasti- 
cally.} 

Wai. The last man ? 

Fog. The very last, I assure you. I'm more delighted than 
I can tell you ! 



4S FOGGERTY' s FAIRY. 

Wal. Why ? It's hardly likely that I should be absent on 
this day of all others ! 

Fog. Well, it's very friendly of you to say so. I won't forget 
it, Walkinshaw, depend upon it. Will you take anything? 
Do ! Make yourself at home, you know. This is Liberty Hall. 
(Sees JENNY.) Jenny ! at last ! my own Jenny ! Why, how 

superb you look, and to think that in half au hour (Kisses 

her.) 

Jenny (surprised}. Mr. Foggerty ! 

Fog. And now, tell me how you've been all this time and 
what you've been doing and, in short, tell me all about it. 
Jenny. All about what? (He kisses her.) Don't! 
Fog. But I must I'm so happy, so overpoweringly and 
stupendously happy ! (Kisses her again she rises offended.) 

Wal. (aside). I wish Jeuny wouldn't let Foggerty kiss her 
so much ; of course it's all right, because they've known each 
other as children; but still I wish he wouldn't do it! She 
doesn't let me, and I don't see why she should let him. 

[FOGGERTY, who has been paying attention to JENNY 

during this, attempts to kiss her. 

Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you mustn't really. I'm astonished 
at you! 

Wal. He's overdoing it ; upon my soul he is ! 
Fog. Pooh, pooh! nonsense; on this day of all others. 
(Kisses her again). 

Wal. (aside). I can't stand this. (Aloud). I say, Foggerty, 
of course it's all right. I know how you and Jenny are situated 

but still I think I think, on this day of all others 

Fog. (surprised). What do you mean ? 
Wal. There's too much of it, my boy. I'd leave off if I were 
you I would, indeed! 

Fog. No, you wouldn't, Walkinshaw, you jealous dog! (Aside.) 
Poor devil, he hasn't got over his attachment to her yet, and it 
is rather rough on him. 

Wal. Kissing her under my very nose 

Fog. Not under your very nose under her very nose. Ha 
ha! But, don't distress yourself, it shan't occur again. 
Wal. You're overdoing it, my boy. 
Fog. Well, perhaps I am. 
Wal. I'm sure you are. 
Fog. I agree with you it's not delicate. 

Wal. It's d d indelicate. 

Fog. Yes, on this day of all others! 

Wal. Exactly ; on this day of all others! 

Fog. Then say no more about it. Take one yourself. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 49 

Wai. Ob, we're in no hurry; we can wait. 

Jenny (sighing). Ah, yes, we can wait! 

Fog. The deuce you can ? 

WaL Yes ; you see we've plenty of time before us. 

Jenny (sighing*). Plenty ! 

Fog. (aside). Plenty of time before them ? Now, what do 
they mean by that ? 

WaL Well, it's about time we were off. Let's see, are we 
all here? There's Uncle Fogle and Aunt Bogle for the first 
carriage, and Lottie and Tottie, and Walker and Balker, and 
your papa and rny mamma and yes, we're quite complete. 
I'll get them all packed off, and then come back for you. 

[Exit WALKINSHAW. 

Fog. Jenny, I don't like Walkinshaw's manner. 

Jenny. His manner is unfortunate, but you mustn't be too 
hard on him ; he's nervous and agitated. 

Fog. I can understand that; but still I don't like it, Jenny, 
I don't like it. 

Jenny. Oh, you must make allowance for him, and on this 
day of all others. 

Fog. Well, poor devil, I suppose he's more to be pitied than 
blamed. 

Jenny. Pitied ! Well, I'm sure. 

Fog. Yes, pitied. Now, Jenny, it's no use affecting surprise. 
I can see as far through a millstone as most people, and, mark 
my words, that man's in love with you. 

Jenny. Of course he is ! 

Fog. Oh, you've noticed it? 

Jenny (surprised}. Noticed it? Why, of course I've 
noticed it ! 

Fog. Then I say he's very much to be pitied he has a 
dismal prospect before him. 

Jenny. Upon my word, Mr. Foggerty ! 

Fog. Life a blank, every hope crushed, every fond illusion 
wiped out, nothing before him but a melancholy prime, a 
blighted sere-and-yellow, and a solitary and desolate old age. 
Poor Walkinshaw ! 

Jenny. How dare you say these things to me ? 

Fog. Eh? 

Jenny. I say how dare you 1 From this moment I devote 
myself, heart and soul, to his happiness; it shall be my only 
care, ray only thought ! 

Fog. The devil you will ! 

Jenny. I will, I swear it ! It will be my duty, and my duty 
I will do ! 

in, E 



50 FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 

Fug. It seems to me that you take an exceedingly compre- 
hensive view of your duty ! Look here, Jenny ; let's understand 
one another. (Sits by her, puts his arm round her waist,) I 
know you're as good a girl as ever stepped. Still 

Jenny. Frederick Mr. Foggerty you mustn't ! 

Fog. Mustn't what ? 

Jenny. Put your arm round my waist. 

Fog. Well, it is round your waist. 

Jenny (struggling). But I say you mustn't. 

Fog. Why not ? Walkinshaw can't see. 

Jenny. That has nothing to do with it. I won't allow it, 
because it's not right on this day of all others ! 

Fog. Indeed ? I should have thought if ever there was a 
day on which I might be permitted to take such an innocent 
freedom, this day of all others is the day. 

Jenny (crying}. How dare you say such things to me ! It is 
most unkind to me, and most unfair to your friend. 

Fog. My friend? Oh, Walkinshaw! I tell you he can't see. 

Jenny. I don't care, it's most unfair to him. 

Fog. It seems to me you've a remarkably tender regard for 
Walkinshaw's feelings ! 

Jenny. Certainly I have. As you know, I don't pretend 
that I love him. 

Fog. Well, I should hope not ! 

Jenny. I mean as a wife is expected to love her husband. 

Fog. Yes, that's what / mean ! 

Jenny. Yet I have a sincere regard for him, and, be assured 
of this, I shall always respect his privileges. 

Fog. Upon my word, ma'am, situated as I am 

Jenny. Yes, I know ; you were my childhood's friend ; but 
that only makes it all the more dreadful, and sincerely as I 
esteem you, I must tell j r ou at once that if ever you presume 
to attempt the slightest, very slightest, familiarity with me, 
except in Mr. Walkinshaw's presence, I shall give directions 
that you are never to be admitted into the house again ! 

Fog. (utterly aghast). But, Jenny, listen for one moment. 

Jenny. It's useless, Frederick. It's best to begin as we 
mean to go on. 

Fog. Oh ! Don't you think you'd better marry Walkinshaw 
at once ? 

Jenny. Yes, we shall be too late if we don't start very soon. 

Fog. (furious). I say, don't you think you'd better marry 
Walkinshaw Walkinshaw at once ? 

Jenny. I say yes?, I do. I can't imagine what's detaining 
him. 



FOGGERTTTS FAIRY. 51 

Fog. (bewildered}. Jenny ! Jenny ! (Suddenly.} Great 
Heavens ! (Springs horrified to his feet.} 

Jenny. What's the matter? You are ill some water 
quick quick. 

Fog. (gasping}. Jenny attend to me ! Am I to understand 
that you are really going to marry Walkinshaw? 

[During this she has loosened his necktie, and dabbed a, 
wet handkerchief on his temples, as he leans tottering 
against a table. 

Jenny. How can you ask such a ridiculous question ? 

Fog. No, but are you? Answer me, yes or no. Are you ? 

Jenny. Am I ? You know I am. 

Fog. You are? (Overpowered.} 

Jenny. Of course ; don't be absurd. 

Fog. (wildly}. But don't marry him ! For Heaven's sake 
don't marry him ! Jenny, you shan't, you can't ! I won't 
stand by and see it done ! Oh, Jenny, Jenny, whom I love so 
deeply ! (Sobbing.} 

Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you amaze me ! 

Fog. (surprised}. Amaze you ? Why, you know I love you ! 

Jenny. I ? Indeed, I know nothing of the kind ! 

Fog. Why, I've told you. over and over again ! 

Jenny. You have told me so ? Never ! 

Fog. How can you say that? Didn't I propose, anl didn't 
you accept me, and weren't we engaged, and stop. No, no. 
(Aside.} I'm mixing it all up again ! 

Jenny (in blank astonishment). Oh, you must have dreamt 
all this! 

Fog. Exactly, that's it. I must have dreamt it. But did I 
nevtr tell you that I loved you ? 

Jenny (weeping}. Oh no, no, no. Why didn't you? Why 
didn't you ? 

Fog. I don't know. I I suppose I forgot to mention it. 

Jenny (wildly}. Oh, if I had only known if I had only 
known ! 

Fog. (excitedly}. Then you loved me ? 

Jenny (horrified}. What have I said? 

Fog. You did! You do? You can't deny it! You shan't 
deny it ! You loved me, madly, passionately how could you 
help it? 

Jenny. Frederick in mercy spare me ! It is cruel, cruel to 
say such things to me, just as I am on the point of marrying 
another man ! 

Fog. But dorit marry another man ! He's unworthy of 
you I'm not ! I love you desperately he doesn't ! I'll do so 



52 FOGGERfY'S FAIRY, 

all my life he won't ! He can live without you I can't ! 
I shall go inad if you don't have me he shan't! Tell 
"Walkinshaw to go and hang himself he won't mind he's 
a good-natured fellow, and he'll do it, if you say it's 
for me. 

Jenny. Impossible ! I could not tell him to go and do that. 
Oh, it is too late too late! Oh, Frederick, why, ivhy didn't 
you tell me this before? 

Fog. (wildly}. I don't know ! There's my difficulty ! Situated 
as I am, it's impossible to say. I thought I had. But it 
seems I hadn't. No doubt there's a reason for it if one only 
knew what it was but one don't ! I hope I'm clear? 

Jenny (drying Tier eyes}. Not very, but any way it is too 
late now. The clergyman is at this moment waiting impatiently 
to unite me to Theodore Walkinshaw. I regard him with a 
wondering respect as one whose heart had never throbbed with 
love until I taught it to. But love him ? No ! I do not love 
him ! After what you have elicited from me it would be worse 
than affectation to deny that my heart has long been yours, 
and, but for your unaccountable silence, we might have been 
happy. As it is, Frederick, we must never, never meet again. 
I embark on my married life with a bruised and broken heart. 
Farewell, for ever ! {Exit JENNY. 

Fog. (wildly). Jenny, Jenny, come back ! Gone, gone from 
me for ever! To be knitted to Walkinshaw; and the poor 
child is fond of me, has been for years, ever since we were 
children ! What was I about not to have seen it ? Why 
didn't I tell her I adored her ? That's just where it is ! I 
don't know ! I haven't the ghost of an idea ! I see it all 
now ! If I had never known Spiff, I should never have bolted 
from her to Jenn} 7 never have interfered with Walkinshaw, 
whose courtship would have gone on swimmingly, and culmi- 
nated in matrimony, as it's going to do to-day. And all this 
heart-breaking misery, this preposterous coupling of ill-assorted 
souls, this whirling chaos of discordant sympathies, is the con- 
sequence of the ill-omened matrimonial arrangements of Colonel 
Culpepper's favourite dog's father ! 

[Throivs himself on sofa, and buries his head in pillow. 

Enter WALKINSHAW and OLD TALBOT.) 

Tal. Come, come, are we all ready? Then let's be off. 
Where's Foggerty ? 

Wai. Fosgerty? Oh, here he is, on the sofa. 
Tal. What's the matter with him ! Isn't he well ? 



POGGERTTS FAIRY. 53 

Wai. (aside to TALBOT). Well, the fact is, I lost my temper 
with him just now, and it's upset him, but I'll make it all 
right. (Goes to him). Foggerty, my boy, come, come, cheer up, 
I didn't mean to speak unkindly to you ; but really 

Fog. (without turning round). Oh, go, sir, go ! 

Wai. Come, come, be reasonable, if you caught a fellow 
kissing the girl you loved what would you do ? 

Fog. (wildly). What would I do? Shall I show you what 
I would do? I'd fly at him. Thus! (Flying WALKINSHAW.) 
I'd shake him thus! (Shaking him violently, and driving him 
down to proscenium.) I'd throttle him thus ! (Knocks him 
about wildly, WALKINSHAW quite limp and helpless in his 
hands.) I'd say, " Give her back to me you traitor ! You 
double-dyed villian ! You slayer of hopes ! You assassin of 
hearts ! " There ! (Flinging him violently on the stage.) That's 
what I'd do ! 

Wai. (all of a heap and breathless on the floor, and much dis- 
ordered in dress). I see, thank you ! I I think you would be 
justified. 

Tal Dear ! dear ! (Helping Walkinshaw up, and re-arranging 
his hair and cravat.) Foggerty, this is not pretty behaviour 
towards a bridegroom on his wedding-day ! 

Fog. Pretty behaviour ! And you, infamous old traitor. 
Would you like to see what I would do to a scheming father 
who first gives me his daughter and then hands her over to 
somebody else. (Shaking him violently.) 

Tal. (bewildered). It would be interesting, of course. Perhaps 
if you illustrated on Walkinshaw I should see it better than if 
you did it to me. 

[All three with their costumes and hair very much dis- 
arranged. 

Fog. Walkinshaw ! After all I have done for him, to rob me 
of the only girl I ever loved ! 

Tal. You loved my girl ? 

Wai. Did you love Jenny? 

Fog. (sarcastically). Did I love Jenny? Do you think I 
should have been engaged to her if I hadn't? 

Tal. Engaged to her ! 

Fog. Engaged to her? Yes! Oh, I forgot; that's all been 
spiffed out ! I've been mixing again ! 

Tal. Upon my soul I think you have! And pretty freely 
too ! 

Fog. There, don't mind me ; don't take any notice of what 
I say ! Give me air, or I shall choke ! (Staggers on to 
balcony.) 



54 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Tal. and Wai. (together). I say, doesn't it strike you 

Tal. I beg your pardon 

Wai. I beg yours. 
Tal. After you ! 
Wai Not at all ! 

Tal I was going to say, doesn't it strike you that there's 
something very incoherent in Foggerty's manner ? 
Wai The very thing I was going to say to you ! 
Tal Mark my words ; he's mad ! 
Wai Staring mad ! 
Tal It's an awful thing ! 
Wai Appalling! 
Tal Glass of wine ? 
Wai With pleasure! {They take wine together.) 

Enter JENNY. 

Jenny. Stop ! 

Tal But we can't be always stopping what's the matter 
now? 

Jenny. This wedding it must not take place! 

Tal and Wai (together}. Mustn't take place. 

Wai Jenny, what in the world do you mean ? 

Jenny. Stand off, sir ! Do not dare to approach me ! I regard 
you with contempt and loathing unutterable. 

Tal and Wai (together). Jenny ! ' 

Jenny. Approach me not, I say! You have trifled with 
my most sacred feelings ! You have outraged my tenderest 
sensibilities. I regard you as a snaky and systematic serpent 
and thus and thus I extricate myself from your slimy toils. 
(Tears license.} 

Tal Oh, Jenny, Jenny, this is not pretty behaviour to your 
husband on his wedding-day! 

Jenny. Pretty behaviour ! Do you know that man ! 

Tal Know him ? Yes, very well! 

Jenny. You know his smooth and plausible outside but his 
inside do you know that ? 

Tal Eeally, my dear, I'm not his medical attendant ; but 
what has he done ? 

Jenny. Unhinged and unstrung by the prospects of the 
approaching ceremony, I sought just now the congenial 
sympathy of the sad, sad lady on the second floor. As I 
approached her room 1 saw the door ajar she was in close 
communion with her solicitor. (WALKINSHAW mwch agitated.} 
I heard his voice and thus and thus he spake: "Console 



FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 55 

yourself, oh, sad, sad lady, for we have evidence that Walkin- 
shaw the fickle, fluttering, faithless Walkinshaw is on the 
eve of marriage to another!" It was enough too much I 
cared to hear no more ! 

TaL Dear me, Walkinshaw, I am surprised at you ! 

Wai. But, Jenny, hear me. 

Jenny. I will hear nothing. It is enough for me that you 
have loved. Henceforward to me you are as one that is 
dead ! You are an obliterated postage-stamp not the less 
obliterated because the die has been wielded by an unworthy 
hand. Happily, Truth, Honour, Rectitude, Morality, Pro- 
priety, Benevolence, Veneration, and First Love are on the 
Balcony. They meet in Frederick, and to him I confide 
my heart ! 

FOGGERTY enters from balcony. 

Fog. Jenny ! I was sure you would ! I was sure that 
when you came to think it over you couldn't help it. But, 
Walkinshaw ? 

Jenny. He is dead. 

Fotj. That's very sudden. 

Jenny. He is dead to me. He lives to drag on a miserable 
existence, as a depressed and degraded monster. 

Foy. I'm shocked at you, Walkinshaw ! 

Wai. Miss Talbot, I cannot struggle against your determina- 
tion. I know that when you say you will not marry me you 
mean it ! 

Fog. She did last time. 

TaL Eh? 

Fo(j. Oh, nothing, nothing. 

Wai. I have only to ask that in memory of what I once was 
to you, you will keep my unhappy secret, and not subject me 
to the hideous consequences of an exposure. 

Jenny. Sir, you deserve no mercy ; but I am merciful. Your 
shameful secret is safe with me. 

Foy. Walkinshaw, I'm at a loss for words in which to 
express definitely my sense of your infamous conduct, because 
I am not at present acquainted with the nature of your 
offence. 

TaL But, Jenny, you can't marry this man he's mad! He 
can't contract matrimony it would be illegal ! 

Jenny. They say you are mad, my own ! Is it because you 
have never loved before ? 

Fog. Heed them not. They mistake the desponding utter- 



56 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

ings of a crushed heart for the maniacal ravings of an unseated 
brain ! 

[UNCLE FOGLE and TALP.OT loth about to speak at 

once. 

Tal. I beg your pardon. 
Fogle. I beg yours. 
Tal. Not at all. 
Fogle Go on. 

Tal. I was going to say that we must get a Commission to 
sit on him. 

Fogle. Just what I was going to s&y. 
Tal. It's a pitiable circumstance. 
Fogle. Horrible ! 
Tal. Deplorable! 
Fogle. Disastrous ! 
Tal. Glass of wine ? 

Fogle. With pleasure. (They drink together.) 
Jenny (coming down with FOG). My own, own love ! Mine, 
and only mine ! Oh, tell me again you, at least, have never 
loved before ! 

Fog. Never ! Often have I lain awake at night wondering 
what manner of thing this love of which I had heard so much 
might be, and now the sun has risen on my darkness, and all 
seems clear as summer noon ! 

Jenny. My love ! Oh, this is ecstasy ! 

[During this, TALBOT and WALKINSHAW and others, 
have been ivarily approaching JENNY and FOG- 
GERTY. TALBOT and WALKER seize JENNY, ivliile 
WALKINSHAW, UNCLE FOGLE, and BALKER seize 
FOGGERTY. The lovers are torn asunder. 
Fog. Unhand me, villains ! 

Jenny. Frederick, my own ! They are taking me from you ! 
Fog. Cowards ! Thus and thus do I deal with ye ! 

[Throws them off. JENNY breaks from TALBOT. Tltcy 

rush to one another, and embrace. 

Jenny. Who shall separate us now ? I am my own mistress ! 
Fog. And mine ! 

Enter Miss DE VERE. JENNY rushes to her, and clings round 
her neck. WALKINSHAW, seeing her, buries his head in 
a newspaper to escape recognition. 

Miss de V. Frederick, rejoice with me ! The news, the great 
and glorious tidings, have arrived ! My faithless lover is on 
the point of marriage with another, and I am at last free to 



FOGGERTY 9 S FAIRY. 57 

accept those professions of affection with which for the last 
twelve months you have so eloquently pleaded, for my hand ! 
[JENNY recoils in horror from her. Turns and looks 
at FOGGERTY, then faints in TALBOT'S arms. FOG- 
GERTY stands confused for a moment, then turns 
round, rushes wildly to balcony at the back of the 
stage, and leaps out into the street. The others rush 
after him to stop him, but they are too late. Miss 
DE VERE faints in the arms of WALKIXSHAW, 
whose head is still wrcqjped up in a newspaper. 
Picture. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. Parlour in WALKINSIIAW'S Jiouse, night. Lamps lit. 
The general arrangement of the scene is the same as the 
scene of TALBOT'S house in Act I. WALKINSHAW //</ 
TALBOT discovered. 

Vial. This is a dismal night, to what was to have been a 
fellow's wedding-day. 

Tal. It might be more cheerful. But take heart, be sanguine. 
Perhaps you and Jenny would not have got on. You're not 
a very nice man, you know. 

Wai. No, I know I'm not, but it's rather hard that my 
having been once engaged to Malvina de Vere should cause 
Jenny to break off with me at the last moment. And for 
Foggerty, who has also fallen into that middle-aged harpy's 
toils. 

Tal. Don't mind Foggerty. Jenny won't have him now. 
I have got evidence that he is stark, staring mad, and, between 
ourselves, I have applied for a Commission de lunatico to sit 
on him at once. I am going to make the appointment now. 

Wai. Hadn't you better wait till he comes back ? 

Tal. Hasn't he come back ? 

Wai. No, it's eight hours since he took his leap from the 
balcony, and nobody has seen him since. 

Tal. Dear me! I don't think he could have hurt himself 
seriously, for I saw him flying down the street, ten miles an 
hour with Malvina after him. (Looking out of ivindow.) Here 
he is ; he has jumped out of a four-wheeler, which is tearing 
down the street at full speed. And there is another four- 
wheeler tearing full speed after it. What can it mean V 



58 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Enter FOGGERTY exhausted. Dress muddy and disordered, 
hair dishevelled. He throws himself into a chair, breathless. 

Fog. At last! Safe at last. 

Wai. Why, where have you been ? 

Fog. Everywhere. 

Tal. You seem rather out of breath. 

Fog. I am, a little. 

Tal. A glass of wine ? 

Fog. With pleasure. (Helps himself to a glass of sherry, 
and drinks.') 

Wai. And where is Malvina? 

Fog. I have given her the slip at labt. When I left the 
house I bolted up Harley Street. Malvina followed. I got 
into a cab; she got into another. I said, "drive anywhere." 
He drove everywhere. I told him to drive like the devil. 
He drove like the devil. So did Malvina. Eegent's Park, 
Primrose Hill, Kentish Town, Holloway, Ball's Pond, Dalston, 
Hackney, Old Ford, Bow, Whitechapel, London Bridge, South- 
wark. At Southwark my horse fainted; so did Malvina's. 
I jumped out got another cab. So did Malvina. Off again, 
Old Kent Road, Peckham, Cauiberwell, W T alworth,Kennington, 
Brixton, Clapham, Battersea, Wandsworth. At Wandsworth 
my horse fainted. So did Malvina's. Jumped out, but no 
cab to be found. Bolted, on foot, followed by Malvina ; ran 
through Putney, Barnes, Mortlake, Kew, Chiswick, Tumham 
Green, Shepherd's Bush, Kensal Green, Malvina after me. 
At Kensal Green I fainted ; so did Malvina. Off again, through 
Westbourue Park. At AVestbourue Park I found a cab ; so 
did Malvina. Off again ; Maida Hill, Edgware Road, St. John's 
Wood, New Road, Harley Street. As I passed the door, jumped 
out unobserved, and left my empty cab tearing on ten miles 
an hour, and Malvina after it. 

Tal. Aren't you tired after your stroll ? 

Fog. A little. 

Tal. I am not surprised. Will you excuse me, I have a 
business appointment. (Aside to WALKINSHAW.) Don't let 
him go ; keep him here till I return. [Exit TALBOT. 

Wai. That is a very determined woman. 

Fog. A woman of singular strength of character. 

Wai. (anxiously}. Do you think there is any chance of her 
coming here ? 

Fog. Not the remotest. (Knock heard.) There she is. 

Wai. Malvina here. She must not catch me. (Aloud.) 
Foggerty, you'll keep my secret you'll not betray me ? 



FOGGERTV^S FAIRY. 59 

Fog. Not for worlds. 

Wai. A thousand thanks. I will never forget it. (Shakes 
his hand and exits.} 

Fog. I don't know what your secret is, but it's quite safe 
with me. There she is it's no use, I can't go any farther, 
fairly rim to earth! (Throws himself into chair to right of 
stage.) 

Enter MALVINA//W?I left, breathless, and much tumbled. 
She throws herself into a chair to left of stage. 

Fog. Good evening. 

Mai. Good evening. 

Fog. London is a large city. 

Mai. Enormous. 

Fog. Capital cabs, though. 

Mai. Capital cabs. 

Fog. Didn't I catch sight of you in South \vark this 
afternoon. 

Mai. Quite possible. 

Fog. I thought it was you. 

Mai. It was. Going to marry me ? 

Fog. No. 

Mai. Don't you love me ? 

Fog. Not that I am aware of. 

Mai. But you proposed to me. 

Fog. I have no recollection of it. 

Mai. I have got it in writing over and over again. (Produces 
a bundle of letters.} 

Fog. All those mine ? 

Mai. Every man-jack of them. 

Fog. May I look at them ? 

Mai. Not exactly wasn't born yesterday. 

Fog. (aside). No, you certainly were not. 

Mai. You're quite resolved ? 

Fog. Quite. You must conquer this passion. I am sorry 
if I have encouraged hopes which are not destined to be 
realized; but, although I have a sincere regard for you, I can 
never be more to you than a friend. 

Mai. That is your ultimatum? 

Fog. That is my ultimatum. 

Mai. Then again I have to resort to that dread expedient 
which a sympathetic country has provided for the unsuspecting 
victims of man's designing villainy. Allow me. (Oives 

to FOGGERTY.) 



60 FOGGERTY'S FA2RY. 

Fog. What's this ? 

Mai. It is a writ of summons at the suit of Malvina de Verc, 
spinster, against Frederick Foggerty, bachelor, to recover 
damages for breach of promise to marry. 

Fog. Thank you. The damages, I see, are not stated. 

Mai. Not yet. True delicacy shrinks from placing matters 
of this quasi-sentimental character upon a mere business footing. 
I thought it would be altogether more delicate if we could arrive 
at an estimate by a friendly calculation. 

Fog. Very thoughtful. 

Mai. It's a pretty idea ; I always do it. Now, let me see. 
First of all there is my distress of mind, and consequent wear 
and tear of personal beauty. 

Fog. Not worth naming. Miss de Vere is, if possible, more 
lovely than ever. 

Mai. Yes, I know I am now ; but oh ! think, think of the 
anxious days and sleepless nights yet to come ! 

Fog. To be sure. 

Mai. The worm in the bud 

Fog. True ; I forgot the worm in the bud. How long do you 
think you will be before you get over it? 

Mai. It generally takes about six weeks. 

Fog. That is not very long. 

Mai. Make it months if you like. 

Fog. Not for worlds. You think the worm will have had 
enough in six weeks? 

Mai. Oh, I think so. Six weeks at a guinea a day forty- 
two guineas. 

Fog. Dear ! 

Mai. I couldn't do it for less. 

Fog. (getting his arm round her). Make it pounds, do. 

Mai. What a wheedling way you have ! Very well, pounds. 
Then there is the disappointment, the blackness of a desolate 
future. What shall we say for the disappointment ? 

Fog. I shouldn't put that at a high figure if I were you. I 
shouldn't make a good husband. 

Mai. (politely}. Oh, I won't allow that for a moment. 

Fog. No, but indeed I shouldn't. 

Mai. (insinuatingly). Not even such a wife as I ? 

Fog. If anything could make a domestic man of me it would 
be the knowledge that I had a nice, snug, cosy creature like you 
waiting at home for me ; but nothing could. 

Mai. I don't think I could put the disappointment at less 
than a hundred. 

Fog. A hundred ! A hundred for such a good-for-nothing 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 61 

scamp as I ? Ridiculous ! It's absurd. You don't know what 
a ruffian I am. Fifty is the outside figure. 

Mai. Oh, Mr. Foggerty, you under-rate yourself. I don't 
think stand up. (lie stands up.) No, I couldn't put the 
disappointment at less than a hundred. 

Fog. Fifty! 

Mai. A hundred ! 

Fog. Split the difference, and say seventy-five. 

Mai. Very well ; but it's a positive insult to you to put it 
so low. 

Fog. Don't mention it, I beg. 

Mai, Then we come to the publicity of the thing the shame 
of having to lay bare in open court the holiest feelings of our 
imperfect nature. 

Fog. Haven't you got used to that yet ? 

Mai. Used to it? My dear Mr. Foggerty, believe me, that 
the agony of having to trot out one's affections for the enter- 
tainment of a ribald public becomes more excruciating each 
time. On the whole, I cannot quote the publicity at a lower 
figure than five hundred. 

Fog. Four. 

Mai. Five. 

Fog. Split the difference, and say four hundred and fifty. 
Come, now, do, for me. 

Mai. It's ridiculously cheap; but I never'did in all my 
experience come across anybody with such coaxing ways. But 
then, there's the trousseau. 

Fog. But that will do for next time. I suppose you have 
had the same trousseau in each case. 

Mai. Oh dear, no ! Only the last four cases. I find that 
a trousseau only lasts out six engagements. You see, it gets 
handled and messed. And there's the moth and change of 
fashion. I usually reckon it at twenty-five per cent, off prime 
cost. Prime cost two hundred twenty-five off that one-fifty. 

Fog. How much is that altogether? 

Mai. Let's see. Six hundred and seventeen pounds. Then 
there are costs as between lawyer and client. 

Fog. Say six hundred, all told, and then who knows 
perhaps we shall be engaged again. 

Mai. Oh, I coiildn't do it. First-class evidence, you know, 
warm and flowery letters all in your own writing. 

Fog. Are they warm and flowery ? 

Mai. Ridiculously so. There's poetry in some of them 
your own. 

Fog. (aside). My own ! I wonder where I got it from ? 



62 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

(Aloud.} But wait a moment, Jenny won't have me now. I 
really don't see what is to prevent me marrying you. 

Mai. Nothing whatever, if you prefer that course ; then there 
will only be the costs out of pocket. 

Fog. There's the remains of a fine woman about you. 

Mai. I am generally known as the Splendid Ruin. 

Fog. You are a splendid ruin a sprig or two of ivy and an 
owl under your arm and you would be complete. My dear girl, 
if it is a question of paying six hundred pounds and costs, or 
marrying you, I'll marry you. 

Mai. You will ? 

Fog. Certainly. I must have seen something in you } or I 
shouldn't have proposed to you. I have no doubt you are a 
much more agreeable woman than you look. 

Mai. Surely, surely, you know how agreeable I am by this 
time. 

Fog. Yes yes no doubt ; but Malvina 

Mai. Call me by the old pet name the name of happy 
memories. 

Fog. Yes that is just it I don't know what it was. 

Mai. (astonished). You don't know what it was ? 

Fog. Malvina, I will be candid with you. A singular mis- 
fortune has overtaken me my mind, perfectly keen and 
sound at the present moment, is a blank as regards everything 
that took place before this morning my memory is quite 



gone. 



Mai. How remarkable ! 

Fog. Odd, isn't it V 

Mai. Then that accounts- 



Fog. For my not knowing that confounded pet name of happy 
memories, and fifty other things. Now, if you will undertake 
to tell me all about myself who I am, what I am, where I am, 
and who and what everybody else is and, in short, enable me 
to hold my position before the world without making an infernal 
fool of myself, I'll marry you out of gratitude. Now, is it a 
bargain ? 

Mai. Is it a bargain? I rather think it is a bargain. But 
what an extraordinary state of things. 

Fog. Well, it is singular. I'll just run upstairs and make a 
change. You see what a state I am in after my run ; and then 
the sooner you post me up to this morning the better. 

Mai. I will ; go, my love, and in the mean time I will draw 
up a statement of facts for your information. Farewell. 

Fog. Farewell. Don't you think 

Mai. Think what ? 



FOGGERTY } S FAIRY. 63 

That under the circumstances I might venture to no 
better not. [Exit. 

Mai. At last, oh Fate, thou smilest on me! There seems 
some prospect that that blighted bud, my heart, may blossom 
into wedded dignity. But who are these who break my solitude ? 



Enter TALBOT, /o/fouvcZ by DOCTOR LOBB, DOCTOR DOBB, and 
BLOGG, a rough sullen-looking man, ivho keeps in the 
background. 

Tal. Come in, gentlemen, pray. Be so good as to sit down. 
(Sees MALVINA.) Oh! the athletic lady. I beg your pardon, 
Mr. Foggerty -- 

Mai. Has sought the sacred precincts of his chamber, to 
make a certain change in his apparel. 

Tal. Oh ! exactly, he has had a fatiguing afternoon. (Aside.) 
Dear me, this is awkward. 

Mai. I'll not intrude upon your converse, sirs. I wait an 
interview with Frederick, and will, with your permission, 
gentlemen, attend his coming in the two-pair-back. 

\_Curtsys and exit. 

Tal. Fine woman, sound in wind and limb. (Aloud.) 
Gentlemen, the unfortunate subject of your investigation will 
be here in a very few minutes. You will not find him violent, 
gentlemen. 

Dr. Lobb. His paroxysms are mild, are they? 

Tal. I should hardly call them parox} T sms, they don't 
amount to that ; I should rather describe him as the victim of 
extraordinary hallucinations. 

Dr. Dobb. Very sad indeed. 

Dr. Lobb. And what, my dear Mr. Talbot, is the subject or 
bent of his delusions? 

Talbot. Well, gentlemen, among other singular miscon- 
ceptions he is under the impression that he is the inventor of 
the famous " Longevity Pill." 

Dr. Dobb. Pardon me the " notorious " we don't use the 
term " famous " in connection with patent medicines. We call 
them " notorious." 

Talbot. Oh ! then he thinks he invented the " notorious " 
Longevity Pill. 

Dr. Lobb. It is a very significant symptom. I remember the 
case of an unfortunate man who systematically infringed other 
people's patents, and actually made a fine fortune by doing so- 
mad, sir hopelessly mad. 

Talbot. He also believes that he derives a very large income 



64 FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 

by its sale, when in point of fact he has not a penny in the 
world. 

Dr. Dobb. Oh, a very common delusion. I recollect an 
instance of a poor half-witted creature, who drew enormous 
cheques on a bank, at which he had positively no account 
whatever, and in a name which actually did not belong to him. 
The cheques were cashed and he was off to America before the 
delusion was discovered. Mad, sir quite mad. 

Talbot. Then again, he will accept any theory concerning 
himself that you choose to suggest. You can make him believe 
that he is a soldier, sailor, tinker, tailor, ploughboy, apothecary, 
thief all in turn. Remarkable, isn't it ? 

Dr. Lobb. Not at all. Nothing more common. I once gave 
evidence in the case of an unhappy man, who obtained large 
sums of money from charitable people on the plea that he was 
a bricklayer's widow with twelve children. The poor fellow 
would have had twelve months' imprisonment, with hard labour, 
but for my evidence. Mad, sir, hopelessly mad. 

Talbot. If you will excuse me for a moment, gentlemen, I 
will send him to you. You will find the sherry on the side- 
board. (Aside.) Clear-headed, logical men of sense, these mad 
doctors. [Exit TALBOT. 

Dr. Dobb (turning to BLOGG). Now, Blogg. 

Blogg. Sir. 

Dr. Dobb. Attend to us. 

Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means listen attentively to what we say. 

Dr. Dobb. If we find it necessary, as no doubt we shall, to 
give this unfortunate gentleman into your charge, you will 
humour him in everything. 

Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means you will contradict him in 
nothing. 

Dr. Dobb. In nothing whatever. 

Dr. Lobb. In other words, in nothing at all. 

Blogg. All right, guv'nor. 

Dr. Dobb. Now, mind you keep your eye upon him. 

Dr. Lobb. In other words, don't let him get out of your sight. 

Dr. Dobb. Whatever he says, accept his delusion. 

Dr. Lobb. My friend means, humour his hallucinations. 

Dr. Dobb. Agree to his statements at once, however absurd 
they may seem. 

Dr. Lobb. In other words, accept his theories, however 
ridiculous they may appear. (During this BLOGG is sitting, 
eating.') 

Dr. Dobb. It's the only way to deal with a confirmed 
delusionist. 



FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 65 

Dr. Lobb. There is no other course to take with a hopeless 
visionary. 

Enter FOGGERTY, unobserved. 

Dr. Dobb. And now we had better go and prepare our report. 

Dr. Lobb. By all means. (Going.) 

Dr. Dobb. (politely}. After you. 

Dr. Lobb. Couldn't think of it. 

Dr. Dobb. Oh, but I insist. 

Dr. Lobb. As you please. [Exit. DR. LOBB. 

Dr. Dobb. D d coxcomb. [Following* 

Fog. (who has been staring at the Doctors in blank astonisli- 
ment during this dialogue, turns to BLOGG, who is eating impas- 
sively). Now, what is this ? Is it alive, or is it stuffed '/ 

Blogg (finishing his supper). I'm stuffed. 

Fog. What are you doing here? 

Blogg. I'm keeping a eye on you. 

Fog. Do I understand that your instructions are to follow me 
wherever I go ? 

Blogg. No, 'cause you ain't agoiog nowhere. 

Fog. (aside). Now, how am I to deal with this ruffian. I 
could kick him out at least, I think I could but he seems to 
have some right here he isn't a man in possession ! (Aloud.) 
You aren't a man in possession, are you ? 

Blogg. No, I ain't a man in possession. 

Fog. (suddenly). I see what it is he's a constable. I have 
committed a crime, which I shouldn't have committed if Spiff 
hadn't been Spiffed out. And these two black-and-white 
scoundrels are detectives. (Aloud.) I say, those two piebald 
idiots, who left as I came in, are detectives. You can't deny 
that ! 

Blogg (stolidly). I ain't agoin' to deny nothin'. 

Fog. (aside). This is perfectly appalling! What have I 
done? What is my crime is it embezzlement, forgery, 
bigamy, highway robbery what? That's it, I haven't 
an idea. 

Blogg. Don't take on so, there's lots in the same fix. 

Fog. Lots in the same fix ! Yes, I know there are ; but they 
know what they've done, I don't. (Suddenly.) Walkinshaw 
is at the bottom of this. 

Blogg. Ah ! Walkinshaw's at the bottom of it ! 

Fog. Of course he is. He has led me into this; mind, what- 
ever it is, he has led me into it ! 

Blogg. Ah ! he's led you into it. 

iir. F 



66 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Fog. Whatcvtr it is, I will confess all. I will turn Queen's 
evidence against Walkinshaw, and will bring Walkinshaw to 
justice; and, in return for my services to the State, claim the 
lloyal pardon. 

Blogg. Ah, that is your game ! Nothing like it ! 

Fog. Now you, sir, just attend carefully to what I say. I 
intend to make a c'ean breast of it and admit everything. 
(Aside.) It would simplify matters if 1 had some remote notion, 
just a vague, distant, glimmering of an idea, what Walkinshaw 
and I have done. Never mind : half a dozen shrewdly framed 
leading questions will pump it all out. (Aloud.) Now, then, 
are you ready to receive my confession ? 

Blogg. All right fire away. 

Foy. (aloud). Now, then, you know, of course, when this 
deed was done, for which Walkinshaw and I will shortly have 
to answer to the outraged majesty of the law ? ( Waits anxiously 
for the reply.) 

Blogg (indifferently). Oh, I know fust of April. 

Fog. (seizing on the idea). On the very first day of April, in 
the year of grace 1879, this deed for which Walkinshaw and 
I will shortly have to answer to the outraged majesty of 
the law was perpetrated. We selected the first of April 
because because we were anxious to get it over as soon 
after March as possible. Now, then, when do you think we 
did it V 

Blogg (stupidly). Can't say, I'm sure. 

Fog. No ; but guess. 

Blogg. I ain't good at guessin'. 

Fog. (aside). What an unimaginative ass it is. (Aloud.) 
Come, now, make an effort just one. 

Blogg (after a pause). Twelve o'clock at night when 
nobody was lookin'. 

Fog. At the mystic hour of midnight, on the very first day 
of April, in the year of grace 1879, Walkinshaw and I, having 
previously ascertained that we were secure from the im- 
pertinent observation of casual passers-by, perpetrated that 
deed, for which we shall only too surely have to take our 
stand at the bar of the outraged majesty of the law. We 
selected midnight because it's generally darker then than it is 
in the daylight. Well, there I was. There I was, I say. I say 
I was there. 

Blogg. Alone? 

Fog. Alone in the grim and ghostly solitude of that April 
midnight. I needn't tell you how I was occupied, 

Blogg. Maybe you was digging a hole ? 



FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 67 

Fuy. Armed with a pickaxe and a spade, stripped to the 
shirt, and with the beady dews of mental agony upon my brow, 
I shovelled up the fat, black earth until the hole was wide and 
deep enough for for the purpose we had in view. Scarcely 
had I satisfied myself that the hole was wide and deep enough 
for the purpose we had in view, when, what do you think 
happened ? 

Bloyy. P'r'aps Walkinshaw came up? 

Fog. Creeping guiltily in the ghostly moonlight, as one 
whose mind was burdened with a crime too great for him to 
bear, Walkinshaw came up. You know as well as I do what 
that monster in human form had with him. 

Bloyy. Maybe it was a sack ? 

Fog. It was a sack. Closed up at one end but open at the 
other for the convenience of removing whatever it was intended 
to contain. You see I am perfectly candid. I conceal nothing 
from you. That sack contained the booty. 

Bloyy. Oh ! she was a booty, was she ? 

Fog. Eh? 

Bloyy. I say she was a booty, was she ? 

Fog. She ? Did you say " she " ? 

Bloyy. You said she was a booty ! 

Fog. (recovering himself with an effort}. My dear sir, she 
was one of the finest women you ever saw in the whole course 
of your life ! (Aside.} It's murder ! By all the furies, it's 
murder. Who was she ? What could have induced us to 
do it ? 

Bloyg. Was she dead ? 

Fog. Dead, but still warm. (Aside.} This is appalling ! 
(Aloud.) And how how do you think this unhappy lady met 
her miserable fate? 

Bloyy (after a pause}. Pound and a 'arf o' arsenic ? 

Fog. Very near a pound and a lialf of arsenic not quite, 
but very nearly purchased in small doses for the ostensible 
purpose of killing rats, and administered to her by whom do 
you suppose? (Waits anxiously for BLOGG'S reply.} 

Bloyy. Oh, Walkinshaw, in course? 

Fog. (relieved and shaking his hand}. My dear fellow, I did 
you an injustice. I took you for an ass. Allow me to apologize 
you are one of the sharpest men I have met for a long time. 
Of course it was administered by Walkinshaw. And how do 
you suppose that fiend in human form contrived to administer 
this deleterious mineral to his ill-fated victim ? 

Bloyy (after a pause}. Apple pudden ? 

Fog. You are quite right ; it was in an npple pudding a 



68 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

large apple pudding, the apples having been previously pared 
and cut in quarters and the cores extracted. Now the ques- 
tion is and a very important question it is -how .far am I 
implicated ? 

Blogg. Ah ! that is the question. 

Fog. True, I assisted him in disposing of the body. True I 
went even so far as to dig the hole that was to receive it. But 
then the question arises how did I come to do it ? How came 
I to be there at all? 

Blogg. Oh ! you was a walkin' in your sleep. 

Fog. I was in a state of the profoundest somnambulistic un- 
consciousness. I give you my untarnished word of honour I 
was snoring heavily during the whole transaction. As for the 
lady who do you think she was ? Of all unlikely people on 
the face of this earth, who do you suppose that beautiful but 
unhappy lady was ? 

Blogg (pleasantly). Suppose we say his aunt his aunt 
Sarah? 

Fog. It was his admirable aunt Sarah as excellent and 
blameless a lady as ever stepped, and, I assure you, a first-rate 
aunt a really capital aunt. In point of fact, she had but one 
fault in her composition, and I needn't tell you what that was. 

Blogg (after a pause). Drink ? 

Fog. Her passion for alcoholic stimulants was that lovely 
but deeply injured lady's bane. Beginning with small and 
comparatively harmless drams, the detestable habit gradually 
grew upon her, and she got from one thing to another (for I 
am anxious to omit nothing, however insignificant, from my 
confession), until at last she degenerated into a monomaniacal 
dipsomaniac. 

Blogg. Lor ! 

Fog. Walkin shaw, one of the most exemplary nephews in 
the world, really couldn't stand it any longer. His credit as a 
gentleman, his position in society, his very means of livelihood 
were all affected by the disreputable habits of this abominable 
old lady one of the finest women you ever saw. One day 
he made a large apple pudding and flavoured it with nearly a 
pound and a half of arsenic, and I, in one of those fits of 
somnambulistic unconsciousness to which I have been subject 
from infancy, dug a hole to receive the body, snoring heavily 
the whole time. (Aside.) There, I have done it now. What 
have I said ? Oh, Walkinshaw, Walkinshaw, if I only had 
my fingers round your throat at this moment, justice would be 
baulked of her victim. 



FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 69 

Enter WALKINSHAW hurriedly, in great coat, and rug, 
and carrying luggage. 

Wai. (in great distress). She has found nie out. She is 
after me. I can just catch the nine forty-five; but I have not 
a moment to lose. 

Fog. (seizing him). Stop, scoundrel ! Miscreant! Stop I 

Wai. What do you mean ? Let me go ! I'm bolting ! 
Fog. Bolting, are you? Not while I have the strength of 
twenty men, as I have now. (Struggling desperately with 
him.) 

Blogg (to WALKINSHAW). You had best stop. Do what the 
poor gentleman tells you. Don't contrairy him. 

Wai. Stop ! I can't stop ! Let me go ! Don't shake me ! 
You're always rumpling me ! 
Fog. (furiously). Bum pie you! I'll rumple you ! 

[Shakes him violently, WALKINSHAW quite helpless in 
his hands. 

Wai. (breathless). Pray don't let me go ! 

Blogg. Better let the poor gentleman rumple you, if he 
wants to. 

Fog. Abandon all hope of escape ! Your diabolical treatment 
of that amiable and deeply-injured lady will soon be blown 
to the four corners of the earth. (Shakes him violently.) 

Wai. I didn't treat her handsomely, I admit. But you 
treated her just as badly as I did. 

Fog. (remorsefully). I did. I know it. Guilty wretch that 
I am ! But who led me into it ? Who used his diabolical 
power over me to compel me to act as his accomplice ? Oh, I 
could throttle you! (Shakes him.) 

Wai. (faintly). If you will kindly desist for a moment 
perhaps I could answer you. 

Blogg (aside to WALKINSHAW). Don't contrairy him, sir. 
Best let the poor gentleman throttle you, if he wants to. It's 
the only way. 

Wai. Hush ! She is coming ! She is after me ! Hide me 
hide me ! She follows me wherever I go. 

Fog. (flinging him off). The conscience-stricken coward is 
haunted by the imaginary presence of his miserable victim ! 

Wai. (very faintly, and all of a heap). Don't quite under- 
stand. 

Fog. Understand that I have confessed everything. Your 
beautiful but ill-fated aunt Sarah 

Wai. I haven't got an aunt Sarah. 

Fog. Her unfortunate passion for drink the apple pudding 



70 FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 

the arsenic her agonizing death the blood-stained sack 
and its ghastly tenant the midnight grave ! 

Wai. (very faintly). Some mistake somewhere. 

Fog. Officer, seize him! 

Bloyg. But 

Fog. Seize him, I say. 

Blogg (going to WALKINSHAW, ivho is all of a heap against 
the table). Werry sorry, sir! But the poor gentleman mustn't 
be contrairied. (Seizes WALKINSHAW.) 

Wai. (very limp and helpless) Don't you rumple me ! 

[BLOGG sits at table with WALKINSHAW, a helpless lump 
in his lap. 

Enter MALVINA, hurriedly. 

Mai. He came this way. (Sees WALKINSHAW in BLOGG'S lap.) 
Oh, here he is now now I have got you. (WALKINSHAW 
stares helplessly at her like an idiotic baby.) 

Fog. (to MALVINA). Don't touch him, he is a murderer ! 

Mai. A murderer ! (Recoiling towards FOGGERTY.) 

[BLOGG rises, places WALKINSHAW on a chair like a hclplfss 
Guy Fawkes. 

Blogg (aside to MALVINA, who is reclining in FOGGERTY'S 
arms). Take my advice, and don't you go too near him, miss. 
He is a madman. 

Mai. A madman ! (Recoiling from FOGGERTY, ivho for the 
first time understands that he is regarded as a lunatic, and 
assumes an expression of horror-struck surprise.) A murderer 
and a madman! And woe is me, it is to such men as these 
that I have handed over my unsuspecting heart ! 

Enter TALBOT. 

Tal. (aside to BLOGG). We are quite ready to remove him ; 
but I'll break it pleasantly to him. (Aloud.) My dear Foggcrty, 
I'm extremely sorry to say that it is necessary to place you 
under restraint. 

Fog. Under restraint ! I see it all now. They take me for 
a madman. It only needed this to complete my miser}'. 

Blogg. Come along o' me. There's a cab at the door, and 
it'll be done as comfortable as possible. 

Fog. Away! (Throwing TALBOT and BLOGG off. TALBOT 

falls helplessly into a chair, BLOGG goes off.) Matters have 

reached a crisis. There's only one thing to be done. I have 

Rebecca's pills in my pocket. One last appeal to her, and if 



FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 71 

that fails, I give in. (Pours out a glass of water and swallows 
pill.) llebecca! appear! 

[Hurried music. REBECCA appears through trap. 

Reb. (impatiently). Now, what do you want ? I'm extremely 
busy, and this interruption is most annoying. 

Fog. I won't detain you long. In my anxiety to appear 
equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation, I've been 
led into making such preposterous statements that I run a very 
good chance of being hanged first and confined in a lunatic 
asylum afterwards. 

Reb. Really this doesn't concern mo. I've nothing to do 
with it. My guardianship is spilled out. 

Fog. Yes, I know it's spiffed out; but you're an extremely 
intelligent and accomplished young person don't you think 
if you made an effort you could spiff it in again ? 

Reb. Out of the question. I should have to admit that I 
made a mistake, and I should be at once relegated to the back 
rows, among the stout ones, and never allowed to dance even 
in a quartette, and lately I've been dancing solo. 

Fof/. But 

Rtb. I've nothing more to say ; your situation doesn't con- 
cern me in any way. I beg I may not be interrupted again. 
(On trap, stamps her foot and says," Go " she descends through 
trap.) 

Fog. Stop! 

Reb. (half down trap). What do you want ? (Remains half- 
way down trap.) 

Fog. Allow me to remind you that I've forty-seven pills 
left, and I can call you up forty-seven times if I please. I 
don't want to make myself unpleasant to a lady, but if you're 
not civil, I'll give you a time of it. 

Reb. (rising through trap again). Well, be quick. What 
is it ? 

Fog. Let's understand one another. When I took the 
draught all the consequences of my having known Spiff were 
obliterated. 

Reb. Utterly. 

Fog. But if I had never known Spiff I should never have 
got into a difficulty on account of Spiff, and if I had never got 
into that difficulty I should never have applied to you to get 
me out of it, and if I had never applied to you to get me out of 
it you would never have given me that infernal draught, which, 
has been the cause of all the miseries with which I'm 
threatened. 

Reb. Dear me, I never thought of that. 



72 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 

Fog. In point of fact, I've been saddled with consequences 
from which, according to the terms of my contract, I ought to 
have been entirely free. 

Reb. It certainly seems so. I'm very sorry. 

Fog. Now all this comes of hurrying your work. If 3'ou'd 
do a little less bedevilment and do it well you'd make a better 
job of it in the end. 

Reb. It's not bedevilment. I'm a good fairy. 

Fog. Good, but stupid. 

Reb. Good, but stupid. I hope you won't mention this? 

Fog. That depends upon yourself. You've got me into this 
fix, and you must get me out of it. Eestore matters to their 
original condition, barring Spiff, whom I won't hear of at any 
price, and we'll say no more about it. 

Reb. Very good, I'll do it; but mind, it must never be known 
that I " tried back," or I should get into a terrible scrape. Are 
you ready for the change ? 

Fog. Quite ready. 

Reb. Then "go." 

[Waves wand. Slow music. Scene suddenly changes to 
scene of Act /., daylight. All the Fairies enter at 
the back and group until the end. TALBOT, MAL- 
VINA, and WALKINSHAW gradually revive from 
their swoon. MALVINA goes to WALKINSHAW. 

Mai. "Walkinshaw ! My own ! 

Wai. Malvina! (Embraces.) 

Enter JENNY, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE in dresses of 
Act I., then UNCLE FOGLE, AUNT BOGLE, WALKER, and 
BALKER, all in dresses of Act I., with favours. JENNY 
rushes to FOGGERTY. 

Jenny. Frederick ! My own. 

Fog. Jenny ! (Embraces.) 

Tal. Now then come along the carriages have been wait- 
ing ever so long, and the clergyman is getting cold. Uncle 
Fogle take Aunt Bogle, Walker take Lottie, Balker take Tottie. 

Jenny. Frederick ! In ten minutes we shall be made one. 
Tell me once more that you have never, never loved before ! 

Fog. Never ; wouldn't dream of such a thing ! It's all 
right ; it's all over it's past gone spiffed out for ever ! 

Jenny. What's spiffed out ? 

Fog. Medical men mad-house breach of promise execu- 
tion murdered Aunt Sarah ! All gone ! 

Wai. What's the man talking about ? 



FAIRY. 73 

Fog. (suddenly serious). Walkinshaw, you did not murder 
your aunt Sarah ? 

Wai. Never! 

Tal. Oh, too absurd ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

All. Ha! ha! ha! 

Fog. Walkinshaw, you are going to be married to Malvina. 
If, in the fulness of time, Heaven should ever bless } r ou with a 
little aunt Sarah, swear that that admirable woman's life shall 
be as sacred as your own ! 

Wai. Before Heaven, I swear it. 

Fog. I knew it ! God bless you, Walkinshaw. 

All. Ha! ha! ha! 

Fog. And, Jenny dear Jenny you won't marry Walkin- 
shaw, but, on the contrary, you'll marry me, and Walkiushaw 
will marry Malvina; she has an excellent constitution. And 
Walker, Balker, Lottie, Tottie, Fogle, Bogle, you'll all marry 
each other (all laugh} \ and I declare I'm so happy I don't know 
whether to laugh or to cry. (All laughing.} Which shall it 
be? Oh, well, better be unanimous. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! 

AIL Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! 

[They pair off. FOGGERTY with JENNY, WALKINSHAW 
with MALVINA, WALKER ivith LOTTIE, BALKER 
ivith TOTTIE, UNCLE FOGLE with AUNT BOGLE, and 
move towards entrance, laughing heartily. Scene 
opens at back during this. Fairies enter, laughing 
heartily, and waving wands. EEBECCA ascends on 
stool at back, also laughing. Red fire. Curtain. 



ROSENCRANTZ AND 
GUILDENSTERN. 

A TRAGIC EPISODE, 

IN THREE TABLEAUX, 

FOUNDED ON AN OLD DANISH LEGEND. 

First performed in public at a M allude, on behalf of the ' ' Serpent " Fund, 
at the Vaudeville Theatre, London, on Wednesday, June yd, 1891. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

KING CLAUDIUS, of Denmark MR. ALEXANDER WATSON. 

QUEEN GERTRUDE, of Denmark ... MRS. THEODORE WRIGHT. 

HAMLET, Queen Gertrude's Son be- 
trothed to OPHELIA MR. FRANK LINDO. 

ROSENCRANTZ, Courtier, in lore with 

OPHELIA MR. S. HERBERTE-BASING. 

GUILDENSTERN, a Courtier ... ... MR. C. LAMBOURNE. 

FIRST PLAYER MR. C. STEWART. 

SECOND PLAYER Miss BESSLE. 

OPHELIA Miss MARY BESSLE. 

Courtiers, Pages, etc. 



ARGUMENT. 

KING CLAUDIUS, when a young man, wrote a five-act tragedy which was 
damned, and all reference to it forbidden under penalty of death. 
The KING has a son HAMLET lohose tendency to soliloquy has so 
alarmed his mother, QUEEN GERTRUDE, that she has sent for 
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, to devise some Court revels 
for his entertainment. ROSENCRANTZ is a former lover of 
OPHELIA (to whom HAMLET is betrothed), and they lay their heads 
together to devise a plan by which HAMLET may be put out of the 
way. Home Court theatricals are in preparation. OPHELIA and 
ROSENCRANTZ persuade HAMLET to play his father's tragedy before 
the KING and Court. HAMLET, tcho is unaware of the proscrip- 
tion, docs so, and he is banished, and ROSENCRANTZ happily united 
to OPHELIA. 



ROSENCRANTZ AND 
GUILDENSTERN. 



FIEST TABLEAU. 

Interior of KING CLAUDIUS'S Palace. CLAUDIUS discovered 
seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN GERTRUDE on a stool 
at his feet, consoling him. 

Q. Nay, be not sad, my lord ! 

Cl. Sad, loved Queen ? 

If by an effort of the will I could 
Annul the ever-present Past disperse 
The gaunt and gloomy ghosts of bygone deeds, 
Or bind them with imperishable chains 
In caverns of the past incarcerate, 
Then could I smile again but not till then ! 

Q. Oh, my dear lord! 

If aught there be that gives thy soul unrest, 
Tell it to me. 

Cl. "Well-loved and faithful wife, 

Tender companion of my faltering life, 
Yes ; I can trust thee ! Listen, then, to me : 
Many years since when but a headstrong lad 
I wrote a five-act tragedy. 

Q. (interested). Indeed ? 

Cl. A play, writ by a king 

Q. And such a King ! 

CL Finds ready market. It was read at once, 
But ere 'twas read, accepted. Then the Press 
Teemed with porpentous import. Elsinore 
Was duly placarded by willing hands ; 
We know that walls have ears I gave them tongues 
And they were eloquent with promises. 



78 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 

Q. Even the dead walls ? 

67. (solemnly). Ay, the deader they, 

The louder they proclaimed ! 

Q. (appalled}. Oh, marvellous ! 

67. The day approached all Denmark stood agape. 
Arrangements were devised at once by which 
Seats might be booked a twelvemonth in advance. 
The first night came. 

Q. And did the play succeed ? 

67. In one sense, yes. 

Q. Oh, I was sure of it ! 

67. A farce was given to plav the people in 
My tragedy succeeded that. That's all ! 

Q. And how long did it run ? 

67. About ten minutes. 

Ere the first act had traced one-half its course 
The curtain fell, never to rise again ! 

Q. And did the people hiss ? 

67. No worse than that 

They laughed. Sick with the shame that covered me, 
I knelt down, palsied, in my private box, 
And prayed the hearsed and catacombed dead 
Might quit their vaults, and claim me for their own ! 
But it was not to be. 

Q. Oh, my good lord, 

The house was surely packed ! 

Cl. It was by me. 

My favourite courtiers crowded every place 
From floor to floor the house was peopled by 
The sycophantic crew. My tragedy 
Was more than even sycophants could stand ! 

Q. Was it, my lord, so very, very bad ? 

67. Not to deceive my trusting Queen, it was. 

Q. And when the play failed, didst thou take no steps 
To set thyself right with the world ? 

Cl. I did. 

The acts were five though by five acts too long, 
I wrote an Act by way of epilogue 
An act by which the penalty of death 
Was meted out to all who sneered at it. 
The play was not good but the punishment 
Of those that laughed at it was capital. 

Q. Think on't no more, my lord. Now, mark me well 
To cheer our son, whose solitary tastes 
And tendency to long soliloquy 






ROSENCRANTZ AND GU1LDENSTERN. 79 

Have much alarmed us, I, unknown to thce, 

Have sent for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 

Two merry knaves, kin to Polonius, 

Who will devise such revels in our Court 

Such antic schemes of harmless merriment 

As shall abstract his meditative mind 

From sad employment. Claudius, who can tell 

But that they may divert my lord as well ? 

Ah, they are here ! 

Enter GUILDENSTERN. 
Guild. My homage to the Queen ! 

Enter ROSEXCRANTZ. 

Eos. (kneeling). In hot obedience to the Royal 'host 
We have arrived, prepared to do our best. 

Q. We welcome you to Court. Our Chamberlain 
Shall see that you are suitably disposed. 
Here is his daughter. She will hear your will 
And see that it receives fair countenance. 

[Exeunt KING and Queen, lovingly. 

Enter OPHELIA. 

Eos. Ophelia ! \_Botli embrace her. 

Oph. (delighted and surprised). Rosencrantz and Guil- 
denstern ! 

This meeting likes me much. We have not met 
Since we were babies ! 

Eos. The Queen hath summoned us, 

And 1 have come in a half-hearted hope 
That I may claim once more my baby -love ! 

Oph. Alas, I am betrothed ! 

Eos. Betrothed ? To whom ? 

Oph, To Hamlet ! 

Eos. Oh, incomprehensible ! 

Thou lovest Hamlet? 

Oph. (demurely). Nay, I said not so 
I said we were betrothed. 

Guild. And what's he like ? 

Oph. Alike for no two seasons at a time. 
Sometimes he's tall sometimes he's very short 
Now with black hair now with a flaxen wig 
Sometimes an English accent then a French- 
Then English with a strong provincial " burr." 
Once an American, and once a Jew 



So ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 

But Danish never, take him how vou will ! 

* V 

And strange to say, whate'er his tongue may be, 
Whether he's dark or flaxen English French 
Though we're in Denmark, A.D., ten six two- 
He always dresses as King James the First ! 

Guild. Oh, he is surely mad ! 

Opli. Well, there again 

Opinion is divided. Some men hold 
That he's the sanest, far, of all sane men 
Some that he's really sane, but shamming mad 
Some that he's really mad, but shamming sane 
Some that he will be mad, some that he was 
Some that he couldn't be. But on the whole 
(As far as I can make out what they mean) 
The favourite theory's somewhat like this : 
Hamlet is idiotically sane 
With lucid intervals of lunacy. 

Eos. We must devise some plan to stop this match ! 

Guild. Stay ! Many years ago, King Claudius 
Was guilty of a five-act tragedy. 
The play was damned, and none may mention it 
Under the pain of death. We might contrive 
To make him play this piece before the King, 
And take the consequence. 

Eos. Impossible ! 

For every copy was destroyed. 

Oph. But one 

My father's ! 

Eos. Eh ? 

Oph. In his capacity 

As our Lord Chamberlain * he has one copy. I 
This night, when all the Court is drowned in sleep, 
Will creep with stealthy foot into his den 
And there abstract the precious manuscript! 

Guild. The plan is well conceived! but take good heed, 
Your father may detect you. 

Oph. Oh, dear, no. 

My father spends his long official days 
In reading all the rubbishing new plays. 
From ten to four at work he may be found : 
And then my father sleeps exceeding sound ! 

[Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDEN- 
STERN, grouped. 

* All bow reverentially at mention of this functionary. 



ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 81 

SECOND TABLEAU. 

Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. 

Q. Have you as yet planned aught that may relieve 
Our poor afflicted son's despondency? 

Bos. Madam, we've lost no time. Already we 
Are getting up some Court theatricals 
In which the Prince will play a leading part. 

Q. That's well-bethought it will divert his mind. 
But soft he comes. 

Ros. How gloomily he stalks, 

As one o'erwhelmed with weight of anxious care. 
He thrusts his hand into his bosom thus 
Starts looks around then, as if reassured, 
Humpies his hair and rolls his glassy eyes ! 

Q. (appalled). That means he's going to soliloquize ! 
Prevent this, gentlemen, by any means ! 

Guild. We will, but how? 

Q. Anticipate his points, 

And follow out his argument for him ; 
Thus will you cut the ground from 'neath his feet 
And leave him nought to say. 

Eos. and Guild. We will! we will! 

[They kneel. 

Q. A mother's blessing be upon you, sirs! [Exit. 

Ros. (both rising). Now, Guildenstern, apply thee to 
this task. 

Music. Enter HAMLET. Be stalks to chair, thrown himself 

into it. 

Ham. To be or not to be ! 

Ros. Yes that's the question 

Whether he's bravest who will cut his throat 
Rather than suffer all 

Guild. Or suffer all 

Rather than cut his throat? 

//am. (annoyed at interruption, says, " Go away go 
away ! " then resumes). To die to sleep 

Ros. It's nothing more Death is but sleep spun out- 
Why hesitate? [Offers him a dagger. 

Guild. The only question is 

Between the choice of deaths, which death to choose. 

[Offers a revolver. 

III. G 



82 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 

Ham. (in great terror). Do take those dreadful things 

away. They make 
My blood run cold. Go away go away ! (They turn aside. 

HAMLET resumes). To sleep, perchance to 

Eos. Dream. 

That's very true. I never dream myself, 
But Guildenstern dreams all night long out loud. 

Guild, (coming down and kneeling). With blushes, sir, 

I do confess it true ! 

Ham. This question, gentlemen, concerns me not. 
(Resumes.) For who would bear the whips and scorns of 

time 

Ros. (as guessing a riddle). Who'd bear the whips and 

scorns ? Now, let me see. 
Who'd ~bear them, eh ? 

Guild, (same business). Who'd bear the scorns of time ? 
Ros. (correcting him). The whips and scorns. 
Guild. The whips and scorns, of course. 

[HAMLET about to protest. 
Don't tell us let us guess the whips of time? 
Ham. Oh, sirs, this interruption likes us not. 
I pray you give it up. 

Ros. My lord, we do. 

We cannot tell who bears these whips and scorns : 

Ham. (not heeding them, resumes). But that the dread 

of something after death 

Ros. That's true post mortem and the coroner 
Felo-de-se cross roads at twelve P.M. 
And then the forfeited life policy 
Exceedingly unpleasant. 

Ham. (really angry). Gentlemen, 
It must be patent to the merest dunce 
Three persons can't soliloquize at once! 

[RosENCRANTZ and GUTLDENSTERN retire, GUILDEN- 
STERN goes off. 

(Aside.) They're playing on me ! Playing upon me 
Who am not fashioned to be played upon ! 
Show them a pipe a thing of holes and stops 
Made to be played on and they'll shrink abashed 

And swear they have not skill on that ! Now mark 

(Aloud.) Rosencrantz ! Here ! 

[Producing a flute as ROSENCRANTZ comes. 
This is a well-toned flute ; 
Play me an air upon it. Do not say 
You know not how ! (Sneeringly.) 



ROSENCRANT2 AND GUILDENSTERN. 83 

Eos. Nay, but I do know how. 

I'm rather good upon the flute Observe 

[Plays eight bars of hornpipe, then politely returns 

flute to HAMLET. 

Ham. (peevishly}. Oh, thankye. (Aside.) Everything 
goes wrong ! 

\_Eetires, and throws himself on dais, as if buried in 
soliloquy. 

Enter OPHELIA, white loith terror, holding a, heavy MS. 

Oph. Roseucrantz! 

Eos. Well? 

Oph. (in a stage-whisper). I've found the manuscript, 
But never put me to such work again ! 

Eos. Why, what has happened that you tremble so ? 

Oph. Last night I stole down from my room alone 
And sought my father's den. I entered it ! 
The clock struck twelve, and then oh, horrible ! 
From chest and cabinet there issued forth 
The mouldy spectres of five thousand plays, 
All dead and gone and many of them damned ! 
I shook with horror ! They encompassed me, 
Chattering forth the scenes and parts of scenes 
Which my poor father wisely had cut out. 
Oh, horrible oh, 'twas most horrible ! 

[Covering her face. 

Eos. What was't they uttered V 

Oph. (severely}. I decline to say. 

The more I heard the more convinced was I 
My father acted most judiciously ; 
Let that suffice thee. 

Eos. Give me, then, the play, 

And I'll submit it to the Prince. 

Oph. (crossing to him). But stay, 

Do not appear to urge him hold him back, 
Or he'll decline to play the piece I know him. 

Ham. (who has been soliloquizing under his breath). 
And lose the name of action! (Rises and comes down.) 

Why, what's that ? 

Eos. We have been looking through some dozen plays 
To find one suited to our company. 
This is, my lord, a five-act tragedy. 
'Tis called "Gonzago" but it will not serve - 
'Tis very loner. 



84 ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN. 

Ham. Is there a part for me ? 

Oph. There is, my lord, a most important part 
A mad Archbishop who becomes a Jew 
To spite his diocese. 

Ham. That's very good ! 

Bos. (turning over the pages). Here you go mad and 

then, soliloquize : 
Here you are the sane again and then you don't : 

Then, later on, you stab your aunt, because 

Well, I can't tell you wliy you stab your aunt, 
But still you stab her. 

Ham. That is quite enough. 

-Z?os. Then you become the leader of a troop 

Of Greek banditti and soliloquize 

After a long and undisturbed career 
Of murder (tempered by soliloquy) 
You see the sin and folly of your ways 
And offer to resume your diocese ; 
But, just too late for, terrible to tell, 
As you're repenting (in soliloquy) 
The Bench of Bishops seize you unawares 
And blow you from a gun ! 

[During this HAMLET has acted in pantomime the 
scenes described. 

Ham. (excitedly}. That's excellent. 

That's very good indeed we'll play this piece ! 

[Taking MS. from EOSENCRANTZ. 

Oph. But, pray consider all the other parts 
Are insignificant. 

Ham. What matters that ? 

We'll play this piece. 

.Z?os. The plot's impossible, 

And all the dialogue bombastic stuff. 

Ham, I tell you, sir, that we will play this piece. 
Bestir yourselves about it, and engage 
All the most fairly famed tragedians 
To play the small parts as tragedians should. 
A mad Archbishop ! Yes, that's very good ! 

[Picture. HAMLET, reading the MS., with limelight 
on him. EOSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA 
at entrance. 



ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 85 



THIRD TABLEAU. 

March. Enter procession. First, two Pages, ivlw place them- 
selves on each side of the platform ; then ROSENCRANTZ and 
OPHELIA ; then GUILDENSTERN and a Lady ; then other 
Courtiers; then POLONIUS, backing before the KING and 
QUEEN. The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA 
on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her, GUILDENSTERN 
and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN ; the Courtiers 
right and left. 

Q. A fair good morrow to yon, Rosencrantz. 
How march the Royal revels ? 

Eos. Lamely, madam, lamely, like a one-legged duck. The 
Prince has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, " A 
Right Reckoning Long Delayed." 

Cl. And of what fashion is the Prince's play ? 

Eos. 'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord a thing of 
shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass without 
consistency, like an ill-built villa. 

Q. But, sir, you should have used your best endeavours 
To wean his phantasy from such a play. 

Ros. Madam, 1 did, and with some success, for he now seeth 
the absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it as 
freely as we do. So, albeit the poor author had hoped to have 
drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has resolved to present it 
as a piece of pompous folly intended to excite no loftier emotion 
than laughter and surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian 
with his troop. 

Enter HAMLET and Players. 

Ham. Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players. 
They have come to town to do honour and add completeness 
to our revels. 

Cl. Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore. 
Prepare you now we are agog to taste 
The intellectual treat in store for us. 

Ham. We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak 
a word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen this 
play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-esteemed 
friends, who were for playing a piece with less bombastick fury 



86 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 

and more frolick. {Addressing KING.) But I have thought this 
a fit play to be presented by reason of that very pedantical 
bombast and windy obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly 
despise. For I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your 
bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth his folly as 
to make his hearers believe that he is unconscious of all incon- 
gruity ; whereas, he who doth so mark, label, and underscore 
his antick speeches as to show that he is alive to their absurdity 
seemeth to utter them under protest, and to take part with his 
audience against himself. (Turning to Players.) For which 
reason, I pray you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extrava- 
gant monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this 
comi-tragedy ; for such things are as much as to say, " I am a 
comick fellow I pray you laugh at me, and hold what I say 
to be cleverly ridiculous." Such labelling of humour is an 
impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth to imply that they 
are unable to recognize a joke unless it be pointed out to them. 
I pray you avoid it. 

[Slight applause, which HAMLET acknowledges. 
First Player. Sir, we are beholden to you for your good 
counsels. But we would urge upon your consideration that we 
are accomplished players, who have spent many years in learn- 
ing our profession ; and we would venture to suggest that it 
would better befit your lordship to confine yourself to such 
matters as your lordship may be likely to understand. We, on 
our part, may have our own ideas as to the duties of heirs- 
apparent ; but it would ill become us to air them before your 
lordship, who may be reasonably supposed to understand such 
matters more perfectly than your very humble servants. 

[All applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in 
anger. KIXG interrupts him. HAMLET thinks 
letter of it, and angrily beckons Players to follow 
him. He and they exeunt. 
Gl. Come, let us take our places. Gather round 

That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair 

In which I shall find room to roll about 

When laughter takes possession of my soul. 

Now we are ready. 

Enter on platform a Loving Couple. Applause. 

She. Shouldst thou prove faithless ? 

He. If I do 

Then let the world forget to woo (kneeling), 

The mountaintops bow down in fears, 

The midday sun dissolve in tears, 



ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN. 87 

And outraged nature, pale and bent, 
Fall prostrate in bewilderment! 

[All titter through this Tweaking into a laugh at the 

end, the KING enjoying it more than any one. 
i. Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest we should 
all be involved in this catastrophe ! 

Cl. (laughing}. Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy. 
I am sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen ! (To ROSEN- 
CRANTZ.) Is this play well known ? 
Eos. (advancing). It is not, my lord. 

[Turns, back to OPHELIA. 

CL Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before. 
Go on. 

She. Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums ? 
Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes ! 

[Exeunt Loving Couple. Laughter, as "before. 
Q. And wherefore cometh Gonzago ? 
Eos. He cometh here to woo ! 

Q. Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A 
fico for such a wooing, say I ! 

67. (rather alarmed aside to ROSENCRANTZ). Who is Gon- 
zago? 

Eos. He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. "Pis a most 

ridiculous and mirthful character and the more so for that the 

poor author had hoped to have appalled you with his tragedical 

end ! [Eeturns to OPHELIA. 

[During this the KING has shown that he has recognized 

his tragedy. He is horrified at the discovery. 

Enter HAMLET, as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. All 
laugh and applaud except the KING, who is miserable. 

Ham. Free from the cares of Church and State 

I come to wreak my love and hate. 
Love whirls me to the lofty skies 
Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies ! 

[All laugh except KING. 

Q. Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them ! 
Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think that 
these lines were to have drawn our tears ! 

Oph. Truly mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten 
of laughter ! 

Ham. Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have 
none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of such 



88 ROSENCRAN7Z AND GUILDENSTERN. 

windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There are five 
acts of this ! (All groan.') 

(Resumes) For two great ends I daily fume 
The altar and the deadly tomb. 
How can I live in such a state 
And hold my Arch-Episcopate ? " 

lios. (exhausted with laughter'). Oh, my lord I pray you end 
this, or I shall die with laughter ! 

Q. (ditto). Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly ! Stop 
it, my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury. 

Opli. (ditto}. Oh, sir prythee have mercy on us we have 
laughed till we can laugh no more! 

11am. The drollest scene is coming now. Listen. 

Cl (rises). Stop! [All start. 

Stop, I say cast off those mummeries! 
Come hither, Hamlet ! 

Ham. (takes off roles). Why, what ails you, sir ? 

Cl. (with suppressed fury). Know'st thou who wrote this 

play? 

Ham. Not I, indeed. 

Nor do I care to know ! 

Cl. 1 wrote this play 

To mention it is death, by Denmark's law! 

Q. (kneeling). Ob, spare him, for he is thine only 

child! ' 
Cl. No 1 have two (QUEEN horrified.) my son my 

play both worthless ! 
Both shall together perish ! 

[Draws dagger; QUEEN endeavours to restrain him. 
Ham. (on his knees). Hold thine hand ! 

1 can't bear death I'm a philosopher ! 
Cl. That's true. But how shall we dispose of him ? 

[All puzzled. 

Oph. (suddenly). A thought! 

There is a certain isle beyord the sea 
Where dwell a cultured race compared with whom 
We are but poor brain-blind barbarians ; 
'Tis known as Engle-land. Oh, send him there ! 
If but the half I've heard of them be true 
They Avill enshrine him on their great good hearts, 
And men will rise or sink in good esteem 
According as they worship him, or slight him ! 

Cl. Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be 
That we've misjudged him. If such race there he 



ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 89 

(There may be I am not a well-read man) 
They're welcome to his philosophic brain- 
So, Hamlet, get thee gone and don't come back again ! 

[CLAUDIUS crosses to n. HAMLET, who is delighted 
at the suggestion, crosses to QUEEN and embraces 
her. lie then embraces OPHELIA, who receives 
his kiss ivith marked coldness. Tlien lie turns 
up on to platform, and strikes an attitude, 
exclaiming, "To Engle-land ! " At the same 
moment KOSENCBANTZ embraces OPHELIA. 
Picture. 



CUUTAIN. 



PATIENCE; 

OR, 

BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE. 

AN ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL AESTHETIC 

OPERA, 

IN TWO ACTS. 

first produced at the Opera Comiqnc, London, on Saturday, April 2yd, 
1881, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

COLONEL, CALVERLEY \ 

MAJOR MURGATROYD I Officers of Drajoon Guards. 

LIEUT. THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE ) 

REGINALD BUNTHORNE, a Fleshly Poet. 

ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR, an Idyllic Poet. 

MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR. 

Chorus of Officers of Dragoon Guards. 
THE LADY ANGELA 
THE LADY SAPIIIR 
THE LADY ELLA 
THE LADY JANE 
PATIENCE, a Dairy Maid. 

Chorus of Rapturous Maidens. 

ACT I. 

EXTERIOR OF CASTLE BUNTHORNE. 

ACT II. 
A GLADE. 



Jiapturous Maidens. 



PATIENCE; 

OR, 

BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE. 
ACT I. 

SCENE. Exterior of Castle Bunthorne. Entrance to castle by 
draw-bridge over moat. Young Ladies dressed in cesthetic 
draperies are grouped about the stage. They play on lutes, 
mandolines, etc., as they sing, and all are in the last stage 
of despair. ANGELA, ELLA, and SAPHIR lead them. 

CHORUS. 

Twenty love-sick maidens we, 

Love-sick all against our will. 
Twenty years hence we shall be, 

Twenty love-sick maidens still ! 

SOLO. ANGELA. 

Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die 
All. Ah. miserie ! 

Yet my love lives, although no hope have I ! 
All. Ah, miserie ! 

Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away 
All. Ah, miserie I 

To weeping concords tune thy roundelay ! 
All. Ah, miserie ! 

CHORUS. 

All our love is all for one, 

Yet that love he heedeth nut, 
He is coy and cares for none, 

Sad and sorry is our lot ! 
Ah, miserie ! 



94 PATIENCE; OR, 

SOLO. ELLA. 

Go, breaking heart, 

Go, dream of love requited ! 
Go, foolish heart, 

Go, dream of lovers plighted ; 
Go, madcap heart, 

Go, dream of never waking ; 
And in thy dream 

Forget that thou art breaking ! 

Ail. Ah, miscrie ! 

Aug. There is a strange magic in this love of ours ! Rivals 
as we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopeless- 
ness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another ! 

Saph. Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very 
cynosure of our eyes and hearts remains icy insensible what 
have we to strive for ? 

Ella. The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the 
taxes ! 

Saph. Would that it were ! He pays his taxes. 

Ang. And cherishes the receipts ! 

Enter LADY JANE. 
Jane (suddenly}. Fools ! 
Ang. I beg your pardon ? 

Jane. Fools and blind ! The man loves wildly loves ! 
Ang. But whom ? None of us ! 

Jane. No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the 
nonce, on Patience the village milkmaid ! 
Saph. On, Patience ? Oh, it cannot be ! 
Jane. Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy, 
eating fresh butter with a table-spoon. To-day he is not well ! 
Saph. But Patience boasts that she has never loved that 
love is, to her, a sealed book ! Oh, he cannot be serious. 

Jane. 'Tis but a fleeting fancy 'twill quickly pass away. 
(Aside.") Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a wealth of 
golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this rugged old 
bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short indeed ! 

[All sigh wearily. 

[PATIENCE appears on an eminence. She looks down 
with pity on the despondent Ladies. 

RECITATIVE. 

Pa. Still brooding on their mad infatuation ! 

I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me ; 
Far happier I, free from thy ministration, 
Than dukes or duchesses who love, can be ! 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 95 

Saph. (looking up). Tis Patience happy girl ! Loved by a Poet ! 
Pa. Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you ! (Going.) 

Any, Nay, pretty child, come hither. Is it true 

That you have never loved ? 

Pa. Most true indeed. 

Sopranos. Most marvellous ! 
Contraltos, And most deplorable ! 

SOXG. PATIENCE. 

I cannot tell what this love may be 
That cometh to all but not to me. 
It cannot be kind as they'd imply, 
Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ? 
It cannot be joy and rapture deep, 
Or why do these gentle ladies weep ? 
It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said, 
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ? 

Though everywhere true love I see 

A-coming to all, but not to me, 

I cannot tell what this love may be ! 
For I am blithe and I am gay, 
While they sit sighing all night, all day. 
Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me, 
" Fal la la la ! "and " Miserie ! " 

Chorus, Yes, she is blithe, etc. 

Pa. If love is a thorn, they show no wit 

Who foolishly hug and foster it. 
If love is a weed, how simple they 
Who gather and gather it, day by day ! 
If love is a nettle that makes you smart, 
Why do you wear it next your heart V 
And if it be none of these, say I, 
Why do you sit and sob and sigh ? 
Though everywhere, etc. 

Chorus. For she is blithe, etc. 

Aug. Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never 
known true happiness ! (All sigh.) 

Pa. But the truly happy always seem to have so much on 
their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well. 

Jane. There is a transcendentality of delirium an acute 
accentuation of suprerncst ecstacy which the earthy might 
easily mistake fur indigestion. But it is not indigestion it is 
cesthetic transfiguration ! (To the others.) Enough of habble. 
Come ! 

Pa. But I have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon 



96 PATIENCE; OK, 

Guards have baited in the village, and are even now on their 
way to this very spot. 

Ang. The 35th Dragoon Guards ! 
fSaph. They are fleshly men, of full habit ! 
Ella. We care nothing for Dragoon Guards ! 
Pa. But, bless me, you were all in love with them a year ago ! 
Saph. A year ago ! 

Ang. My poor child, you don't understand these things. A 
year ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our 
tastes have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. (To 
the others.) Come ! it is time to lift up our voices in morning 
carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door. 

[The Ladies go off two and two into the Castle, singing 
refrain of " Twenty love-sick maidens we," and 
accompanying themselves on harps and mandolins. 
PATIENCE ivatches them in surprise, as she clinibs 
the rock by ivhich she entered. 

March. Enter Officers of Dragoon Guards, led ~by MAJOR. 

CHORUS OF DRAGOONS. 
The soldiers of our Queen 

Are linked in friendly tether ; 
Upon the battle scene 

They fight the foe together. 
There every mother's son 

Prepared to fight and fall is ; 
The enemy of one 

The enemy of all is ! 

Enter COLONEL. 

SONG. COLONEL. 
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, 

Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, 
Take all the remarkable people in history, 

Rattle them off to a popular tune. 
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory 

Genius of Bismarck devising a plan ; 
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory) 

Coolness of Paget about to trepan 
The science of Jnllien, the eminent musico 

"NVit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne 
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault 

Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man 
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery 
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray 
Victor Emmanuel peak-haunting Peveril 
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell 

Tupper and Tennyson Daniel Defoe 

Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot ! 



SUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. 97 

Take of these elements all that is fusible, 
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, 
Set them to simmer and take off the scum, 
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 

Chorus. Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes ! 

A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 

Col. If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon. 

Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) 
The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon 

Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban 
A smack of Lord "Waterford, reckless and rollicky- 

Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan 
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky 

Grace of an Odalisque on a divan, 
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hanibal 
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal 
Flavour of Harnlet the Stranger, a touch of him 
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him) 
Beadle of Burlington Richardson's show 
Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud ! 

Take of these elements all that is fusible- 
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible 
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum, 
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 

All. Yes! yes! yes! yes! 

A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 

Col. Well, here we are again on the scene of our former 
triumphs. But where's the Duke ? 

Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirit*. 

Duke. Here I am! (Sighs.) 

Col. Come, cheer up, don't give way ! 

Duke. Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be 
expected to be, who has the misfortune to be a duke, with a 
thousand a day ! 

Maj. Humph ! Most men would envy you ! 

Duke. Envy me ? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee ? 

Maj. Very ! 

Col. We are all fond of toffee. 

All. We are ! 

Duke. Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But 
to live on toffee toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for 
tea to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, 
and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but 
toffee were offered to you how would you like that ? 

Col. I can believe that, under those circumstances, even toflVe 
would become monotonous. 

7)7.y. F-n- "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject 

in. ii 



98 PATIENCE; OR, 

deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to think 
that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees ! 
Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me ! Am I particu- 
larly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly 
witty, or unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous ? 

Col. You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I 
saw. 

All. You are! 

Duke. Exactly ! That's it exactly ! That describes me to 
a T ! Thank you all very much ! Well, I couldn't stand it 
any longer so 1 joined this regiment. In the army, thought I, 
I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who 
knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am. 

Col. (looking off). Yes, and here are the ladies ! 

Duke. But who is the gentleman with the long hair? 

Col. I don't know. 

Duke. He seems popular ! 

Col. He does seem popular ! 

BUNTHOBNE enters, followed by Ladies, two and two, singing 

and playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem, 

and quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across stage t 

followed by Ladies. They take no notice of Dragoons to 

the surprise and indignation of those Officers. 

CHORUS OF LADIES. 

In a melancholy train 

Two and two we walk all day 
Pity those who love in vain 
None so sorrowful as they 

Who can only sigh and say, 
Woe is me, alackaday ! 

CHORUS OF DRAGOONS. 

Now is not this ridiculous and is not this preposterous ? 

A thorough-paced absurdity explain it if you can. 
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us, 
They all prefer this melancholy literary man. 
Instead of slyly peering at us, 
Casting looks endearing at us, 
Blushing at us, flushing at us flirting with a fan ; 
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us ! 
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! 
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man ! 

Ang. Mystic poet, hear our prayer, 

Twenty love-sick maidens we 
Young and wealthy, dark and fair 
And we die for love of thee ! 



BUNTtfORNE*S BRIDE. 99 

Yes, we die for love of thee 
Twenty love-sick maidens we ! 

Bun. (aside slyly). Though my book I seem to scan. 

In a rapt ecstatic way, 
Like a literary man 

Who despises female clay ; 
I hear plainly all they say, 
Twenty love-sick maidens they ! 

Officers (to each other). He hears plainly, etc. 

Ella. Though so excellently wise, 

For a moment mortal be, 
Deign to raise thy purple eyes 

From thy heart-drawn poesy. 
Twenty love-sick maidens see 
Each is kneeling on her knee ! (All kneel.) 

Cho. of Ladles. Twenty love-sick, etc. 

Bun. (aside). Though as I remarked before, 

Any one convinced would be 
That some transcendental lore 

Is monopolizing me, 
Round the corner I can see 
Each is kneeling on her knee ! 

Officers (to each other). Round the corner, etc. 

ENSEMBLE. 

OFFICERS. LADIES. BUNTHOKXE (aside). 

Now is not this Mystic poet, hear Though my book I seem 
ridiculous, etc. our prayers, etc. to scan, etc. 

Col. Angela! what is the meaning of this? 
Ang. Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are bat ill-attuned to light 
love-talk. 

Maj. But what in the world has come over you all ? 
Jane. Bunthorne! Pie has come over us. He has come 
among us, and he has idealized us. 

Duke. Has he succeeded in idealizing you ? 
Jane. He lias! 
Duke. Bravo, Bunthorne ! 

Jane. My eyes are open ; I droop despairingly ; I am soul- 
fully intense ; I am limp, and I cling ! 

[During this BUNTHORXE -is seen in all the agonies of 
composition. The Ladies are ivatching him intently 
as he writhes. At last, he hits on the word lie wants 
and writes it down. A general sense of relief. 
Bun. Finished ! At last ! Finished! 

[_IIe staggers, overcome ivith the mental strain, info arms 

of COLONEL. 
Col. Are you better now ? 



loo PATIENCE; OR, 

Bun. Yes oh, it's you I am better now. The poem is 
finished, and my soul had gone out into it. That was all. It 
was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day. 
(Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.') Ah, 
Patience ! Dear Patience ! (Holds her hand ; she seems 
frightened.') 

Ang. Will it please you read it to us, sir? 

Saph. This we supplicate. (All kneel.) 

Bun. Shall I ? 

All the Dragoons. No ! 

Bun. (annoyed to PATIENCE). I will read it if you bid me ! 

Pa. (much frightened). You can if you like! 

Bun. It is a wild, weird, fleshly thing ; yet very tender, very 
yearning, very precious. It is called, " Oh, Hollow ! Hollow ! 
Hollow!" 

Pa. Is it a hunting song ? 

Bun. A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is 
the wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is 
commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one 
another and think of faint lilies. {They do so, as he recites.') 

''OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW! 

What time the poet hath hymned 
The writhing inaid, lithe-limbed, 

Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, 
How can he paint her woes, 
Knowing, as well he knows, 

That all can be set right with calomel ? 

When from the poet's plinth 
The amorous colocynth 

Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills, 
How can he hymn their throes 
Knowing, as well he knows, 

That they are only uncompounded pills ? 

Is it, and can it be, 
Nature hath this decree, 

Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell ? 
Or that in all her works 
Something poetic lurks, 

Even in colocynth and calomel? 
I cannot tell. 

Ang. How purely fragrant ! 
Saph. How earnestly precious ! 
Duke. Well, it seems to me to be nonsense. 
Saph. Nonsense ; yes, perhaps but, oh, what precious non- 
sense ! 
All Ah! 



BUNTHORNVS BRIDE. 101 

Col. This is all very well ; but you seem to forget that you 
are engaged to us ! 

Sapli. It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are 
not Delia Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be 
Early English ere it is too late ! (Officers look at each other in 
astonishment.') 

Jane (looking at uniform). Ked and yellow ! Primary 
colours ! Oh, South Kensington ! 

Duke. We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how 
they could be improved. 

Jane. No, you wouldn't. Still there is a cobwebby grey 
velvet, with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made 
Florentine fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather 
and Spanish altar lace, and surmounted with something 
Japanese it matters not what would at least be Early 
English ! Come maidens. 

[Exeunt Maidens, two and two, singing, refrain of 
" Twenty love-sick maidens ive" The Officers watch 
them off in astonishment. 

Duke. Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform. 

Col. A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of 
Venus as in the field of Mars ! 

SONG. COLONEL. 

When I first put this uniform on, 
I said, as I looked in the glass, 
" It's one to a million 
That any civilian, 
My figure and form will surpass. 
Gold lace has a charm for the fair, 
And I've plenty of that, and to spare, 
While a lover's professions, 
When uttered in Hessians, 
Are eloquent everywhere ! " 

A fact that I counted upon, 
When I first put this uniform on ! 

CHORUS OF DRAGOONS. 

By a simple coincidence, few 

Could ever have reckoned upon, 
The same thing occurred to me, too, 

When I first put this uniform on ! 

Col. I said, when I first put in on, 

" It is plain to the veriest dunce 

That every beauty 

Will feel it her duty 
To yield to its glamour at once. 



102 PATIENCE; OR, 

They will see that I'm freely gold-laced 
In a uniform handsome and chaste " 
But the peripatetics 
Of long-haired aesthetics, 
Are very much more to their taste 
Which I never counted upon 
When I first put this uniform on ! 

C/io. By a simple coincidence, few 

Could ever have counted upon, 
I didn't anticipate that, 
When I first put this uniform on ! 

\_Tlie Dragoons go off angrily. 

[As soon as he is alone, BUNTHORNE changes his manner 
and becomes intensely melodramatic. 



RECITATIVE AND SONG. BUNTHORNE. 

Am I alone, 

And unobserved ? I am ! 
Then let me own 

I'm an aesthetic sham ! 
This air severe 
Is but a mere 
Veneer 

This cynic smile 
Is but a wile 

Of guile ! 

This costume chaste 
Is but good taste 
Misplaced ! 

Let me confess ! 

A languid love for lilies does not blight me ! 
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me ! 
I do not care for dirty greens 

By any means. 
I do not long for all one sees 

That's Japanese. 
I am not fond of uttering platitudes 

In stained-glass attitudes. 
In short, my medievalism's affectation, 
Born of a morbid love of admiration ! 



SONG. 

If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a man of 

culture rare, 
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant 

them everywhere. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 103 

You must lie upon the daisies, and discourse in novel phrases of your 

complicated state of mind, 

The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental 
kind. 

And every one will say, 
As you walk your mystic way, 

" If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, 
Why what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man 
must be ! " 

Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since 

passed away, 
And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was 

Culture's palmiest day. 
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare 

it's crude and mean, 

For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine. 
And every one will say, 
As you walk your mystic way, 

;t If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me, 
Why what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be ! " 

Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your 
languid spleen, 

An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too- 
French French bean ! 

Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the 
high aesthetic band, 

If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval 
hand. 

And every one will say, 

As you walk your flowery way, 

"If he's content with a vegetable love, which would certainly not 
suit me, 

Why what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man 
must be ! " 

At the end of his song PATIENCE enters. He sees her. 

Bun. Ah ! Patience, come hither. I am pleased with thee. 
The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with 
thee. For you are not hollow. Are you ? 

Pa. I beg your pardon I interrupt you. 

Bun. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul, 
yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart 
is a-weary ! Oh, I am a cursed thing ! Don't go. 

Pa. Pieally, I'm very sorry 

Bun. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn ? 

Pa. (misunderstanding him). I earn my living. 

Bun. (impatiently). No, no ! Do you know what it is to be 
heart-hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the 



IC4 PATIENCE ; OR, 

Indefinable, and yet to be brought face to face, daily, with the 
Multiplication Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans 
and to find puddles ? to long for whirlwinds and to have to do 
the best you can with the bellows? That's my case. Ob, I 
am a cursed thing ! 

Pa. If you please, I don't understand you you frighten me ! 

Bun. Don't be frightened it's only poetry. 

Pa. If that's poetry, I don't like poetry. 

Bun. (eagerly). Don't you? (Aside.) Can I trust her? 
(Aloud.) Patience, you don't like poetry well, between you 
and me, 7 don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial un- 
satisfactory. What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields 
when you know you can't get 'em, and would only let 'em out 
on building leases if you had 'em ? 

Pa. Sir, I 

Bun. Don't go. Patience, I have long loved you let me 
tell you a secret. I am not as bilious as I look. If you like I 
will cut my hair. There is more innocent fun within me than 
a casual spectator would imagine. You have never seen 
me frolicsome. Be a good girl a very good girl and you 
shall. 

Pa. Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am 
untaught, I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am 
quite certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly 
love you. 

Bun. Oh, you think not ? 

Pa. I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite. 

Bun. (releasing her}. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank . 
I don't care what becomes of me. I have only to ask that you 
will not abuse my confidence ; though you despise me, I am 
extremely popular with the other young ladies. 

Pa. I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the 
subject. 

Bun. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate I go. (Recites.) 

"Oh, to be wafted away 

From this black Aceldama of sorrow, 
Where the dust of an earthy to-day 
Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow ! " 

It is a little thing of my own. I call it " Heart Foam." I 
shall not publish it. Farewell ! [Exit BUNTHORNE. 

Pa. What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love 
me? Why does he expect me to love him? He's not a 
relation ! It frightens me ! 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 105 



Enter ANGELA. 

Ang. Why, Patience, what is the matter ? 

Pa. Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on 
earth is this love that upsets everybody ; and secondly, how is 
it to be distinguished from insanity ? 

Ang. Poor blind girl ! Oh, forgive her, Eros ! "Why, love is 
of all passions the most essential ! It is the embodiment of 
purity, the abstraction of refinement; it is the one unselfish 
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed ! 

Pa. Oh dear, oh ! (Beginning to cry.) 

Ang. Why are you crying? 

Pa. To think that I have lived all these years without 
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion ! Why, 
what a wicked girl I must be ! For it is unselfish, isn't it ? 

Ang. Absolutely. Love that is tainted with selfishness is no 
love. Oh, try, try, try to love ! It really isn't difficult if you 
give your whole mind to it. 

Pa. I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm 
head over ears in love with somebody. 

Ang. Noble girl. But is it possible that you have never 
loved anybody ? 

Pa. Yes, one. 

Ang. Ah, whom? 

Pa. My great-aunt. 

Ang. Your great-aunt doesn't count. 

Pa. Then there's nobody. At least no, nobody. Not since 
I was a baby. But that don't count, I suppose. 

Ang. I don't know tell me all about it. 

DUET. PATIENCE AND ANGELA. 

Pu. Long years ago, fourteen, maybe, 

When but a tiny babe of four, 
Another baby played with me, 
My elder by a year or more. 
A little child of beauty rare, 
With marvellous eyes and wondrous hair. 
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me 
All that a little child should be ! 

Ah, how we loved, that child and I, 

How pure our baby joy ! 
How true our love and, by-the-by, 
He was a little boy ! 

Ang. Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch ! 

I thought as much I thought as much ! 
He was a little boy ! 



jo6 PATIENCE; OR, 

Pa. (shocked). Pray don't misconstrue what I say 
Remember, pray remember, pray, 
He was a little boy ! 

Any. No doubt, yet spite of all your pains, 

The interesting fact remains 
He was a little boy ! 

ENSEMBLE. 
No'doult } iQ *P ite of a11 " 5 " 8 etc " 



[Exit ANGELA. 

Pa. It's perfectly appealing to think of the dreadful state 
I must be in ! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder 
they all look so unhappy. Upon my word, I hardly like to 
associate with myself. I don't think I'm respectable. I'll go 
at once and fall in love with - 



Enter GROSVENOR. 



Pa. A stranger! 



DUET. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR. 

Gros. Prithee, pretty maiden prithee tell me true, 

(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly !) 
Have you e'er a lover a dangling after you ? 
Hey willow waly ! 
I would fain discover 
If you have a lover ? 
Hey willow waly ! 

Pa. Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free 

(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly !) 
Nobody I care for comes a courting me 
Hey willow waly O ! 
Nobody I care for 
Comes a courting therefore, 
Hey willow waly O ! 

Gros, Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me? 

(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly !) 
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee 
Hey willow waly O ! 
Money, I despise it, 
But many people prize it, 
Hey willow waly O ! 

Pa. Gentle sir, although to marry I design 

(Hey, but he's hopeful willow willow waly !) 
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. 
Hey willow waly ! 



BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE. 107 

To other maidens go you 
As yet I do not know you, 
Hey willow waly ! 

Gros. Patience ! Can it be that you don't recognize me ? 

Pa. Recognize you ? No, indeed I don't ! 

Gros. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me ? 

Pa. Fifteen years ? What do you mean? 

Gros. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your 
Archibald? your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos, 
this is too bad of you ! 

Pa. Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It 
is! It is! It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I thought 
we should never meet again ! And how you've grown ! 

Gros. Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter 
than I was. 

Pa. And how you've improved ! 

Gros. Yes, Patience, I am very beautiful ! (Sighs.) 

Pa. But surely that doesn't make you unhappy ? 

Gros. Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which 
probably has not its rival on earth I am, nevertheless, utterly 
and completely miserable. 

Pa. Oh, but why ? 

Gro.s. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive, 
then, the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my 
hideous destiny to be madly loved by every woman I come 
across ! 

Pa. But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why 
not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this 
persecution ? 

Gros. No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts irksome 
as they are have been confided to me for the enjoyment and 
delectation of my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty, 
and it is my duty to see that the conditions of my trust are 
faithfully discharged. 

Pa. And you, too, are a Poet ? 

Gros. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called 
" Archibald the All-right " -for I am infallible ! 

Pa. And is it possible that you condescend to love such a 
girl as I ? 

Gros. Yes, Patience, is it not strange ? I have loved you 
with a Florentine fourteenth-century i'renzy for full fifteen 
years ! 

Pa. Oh, marvellous ! I have hitherto been deaf to the 
voice of love I seem now to know what love is ! It has been 
revealed to me it is Archibald Grosvenor ! 



io8 PATIENCE; OR, 

Gros. Yes, Patience, it is ! (Embrace.) 

Pa. (as in a trance). We will never, never part ! 

Gros. We will live and die together ! 

Pa. I swear it ! 

Gros. We both swear it ! (Embrace.) 

Pa. (recoiling from him). But oh, horror ! 

Gros. What's the matter? 

Pa. Why, you are perfection ! A source of endless ecstasy 
to all who know you ! 

Gros. I know I am well ? 

Pa. Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in 
loving you ! 

Gros. Merciful powers, I never thought of that ! 

Pa. To monopolize those features on which all women love 
to linger ! It would be unpardonable ! 

Gros. Why, so it would ! Oh, fatal perfection, again you 
interpose between me and my happiness ! 

Pa. Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you 
are! 

Gros. Would that I were ; but candour compels me to admit 
that I'm not ! 

Pa. Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever! 

Gros. Oh, misery ! And yet I cannot question the propriety 
of your decision. Farewell, Patience ! 

Pa. Farewell, Archibald ! But stay ! 

Gros. Yes, Patience ? 

Pa. Although I may not love you for you are perfect 
there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, homely, 
unattractive ! 

Gros. Why, that's true ! 

Pa. The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must 
be unselfish ! 

Gros, Unselfishness itself ! 



DEUT. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOK. 

Pa. Though, to marry you would very selfish be 

Gros* Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly ! 

Pa. You may all the same continue loving me 

Gros. Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly ! 

Both. All the world ignoring, 



^ on 

Hey willow waly ! 
[At the end, exeunt despairingly, in opposite directions. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 109 

Enter BUNTIIORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with 
garlands, and looldng very miserable. He is led by ANGELA 
and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland 
by which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of 
Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on 
cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments. 

CHORUS. 

Let the merry cymbals sound, 

Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure, 
With a Daphnephoric bound 

Tread a gay but classic measure. 
Every heart with hope is beating, 
For at this exciting meeting 

Fickle Fortune will decide 

Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride ! 

Enter Dragoons, led by COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They 
are surprised at proceedings. 

CHORUS OF DRAGOOXS. 

Xow tell us, we pray you, 
Why thus you array you 
Oh, poet, how say you 

What is it you've done ? 

Duke. Of rite sacrificial. 

By sentence judicial, 
This seems the initial, 

Then why don't you run ? 

Col. They cannot have led you, 

To hang or behead you, 
Nor may they all wed you, 
Unfortunate one ! 

CHORUS OF DRAGOONS. 

Then tell us, we pray you, 
Why thus they array you 
Oh, poet, how say you 

What is it you've done ? 

RECITATIVE. BUNTHORXE. 

Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity, 
By the advice of my solicitor (introducing his solicitor), 

In aid in aid of a deserving charity. 
I've put myself up to be raffled for ! 

Maiden?, By the advice of his solicitor 

'He's put himself up t<- l>e raffled for ! 



no PATIENCE; OR, 

Dragoons. Oh, horror ! urged by his solicitor, 

He's put himself up to be raffled for ! 

Maidens. Oh, Heaven's blessing on his solicitor ! 
Dragoons. A hideous curse on his solicitor ! 

[The Solicitor, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off. 

Col. Stay, we implore you, 

Before our hopes are blighted ! 
You see before you 
The men to whom you're plighted ! 

CHORUS OF DRAGOONS. 

Stay we implore you, 
For we adore you ; 
To us you're plighted 
To be united 

Stay we implore you ! 

SOLO. DUKE. 

Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel 
To pity's eloquent appeal, 
Such conduct British soldiers feel. 
(Aside to Dragoons.) Sigh, sigh, all sigh ! [They all sigh. 

To foeman's steel we rarely see 
A British soldier bend the knee, 
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye 
(Aside to Dragoons.) Kneel, kneel, all kneel ! [They all kneel. 

Our soldiers very seldom cry, 
And yet I need not tell you. why 
A tear-drop dews each martial eye ! 
(Aside to Dragoons.) Weep, weep, all weep ! [They all iveep. 

ENSEMBLE. 

Our soldiers very seldom cry 
And yet I need not tell you why 
A tear-drop dews each manly eye ! 
Weep, weep, all weep ! 

L author ne (who has 'been impatient during the appeal). 
Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity, 
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity, 
Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity, 

Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain 
Such a judge of blue-and-white, and other kinds of pottery 
From early Oriental, down to modern terra-cotta-ry 
Put in half a guinea you may draw him in a lottery 

Such an opportunity may not occur again. 

Chorus. Such a judge of blue-and-white, etc. 



BUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. in 

[Maidens crowd up to purchase tickets duriny this 
Dragoons dance in single file round stage to express 
their indifference. 

Dragoons. We've been thrown over, we're aware, 
But we don't care but we don't care ! 
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it, 
As good as ever came of it, 
And some day we shall get our share, 
So we don't care so we don't care ! 

[During this the Girls have been buying tickets. At last, 
JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE looks at her 
with aversion. 

RECITATIVE. 

Bun. And are you going, a ticket for to buy ? 

Jane (surprised}. Most certainly I am ; why should not I ? 

Bun. (aside). Oh, Fortune this is hard! (Aloud.) Blindfold 

your eyes ; 
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize ! 

[Girls blindfold theinselccs. 

CHORUS OF MAIDENS. 

Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind ; 

Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind ! ( Each uncovers one eye.) 

Just raise your bandage, thus, that you may see, 

And give the prize, and give the prize to me ! ( They cover their eyes 

again.) 

Bun. Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first ! 
Jane (joyfully). He loves me best ! 
Bun. (aside). I want to know the worst ! 

[JANE draws a paper, and is about to open it, ivhen 
PATIENCE enters. PATIENCE snatches paper from 
JANE and tears it up. 

Pa. Hold ! Stay your hand ! 

All (uncovering their eyes). What means this interference ? 

Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance ! 
Jane. Away with you, and to your milk-pails go? 
Bun. (suddenly). She wants a ticket ! Take a dozen ! ! 
Pa. No ! 

SOLO. PATIENCE, kneeling to BUNTHORNE. 

If there be pardon in your breast 

For a poor penitent, 
Who with remorseful thought opprest, 

Sincerely doth repent. 
If you, with one so lowly, still 

Desire to be allied, 
Then you may take me, if you will, 

For I will be vour bride ! 



112 PATIENCE; OR, 

All, Oh, shameless one ! 

Oh, boldfaced thing ! 
Away you run 

Go, take you wing, ' 
You shameless one ! 

You boldfaced thing ! 

Sun, How strong is love ! For many and many a week, 
She's loved me fondly and has feared to speak, 
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far, 
Has burst the bonds of Art and here we are ! 

Pa, No, Mr. Bunthorne, no you're wrong again, 

Permit me I'll endeavour to explain! 

SONG. PATIENCE. 

True love must single-hearted be 

Bun. Exactly so ! 

Pa. From every selfish fancy free 

Bun. Exactly so ! 

Pa, No idle thought of gain or joy, 

A maiden's fancy should employ- 
True love must be without alloy. 

All. Exactly so ! 

Pa. Imposture to contempt must lead 

Col. Exactly so ! 

Pa. Blind vanity's dissension's seed 

Maj. Exactly so ! 

Pa, It follows then, a maiden who 

Devotes herself to loving you (indicating BUNTHORNE), 

Is prompted by no selfish view ! 
All. Exactly so ! 

Saph. (taking BUNTHORNE aside). Are you resolved to wed 
this shameless one ? 

Ang. Is there no chance for any other ? 

Sun. (decisively}. None ! 

[Embraces PATIENCE. 

[ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, DUKE, and 
MAJOR down, while Girls gaze fondly at other 
Officers. 

SESTETTE. 

I hear the soft note of the echoing voice 

Of an old old love, long dead 
It whispers my sorrowing heart " rejoice " 

For the last sad tear is shed 
The pain that is all but a pleasure we'll change 

For the pleasure that's all but pain, 
And never, oh, never, this heart will range 

From that old old love again ! [Girls embrace Officers. 

Chorus. Yes, the pain that is all, etc. [Embrace. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 113 

[ As the Dragoons and Girls are embracing, enter Guos- 

VEXOR, reading. lie takes no notice of them, but 

comes slowly down, still reading. The Girls are all 

strangely fascinated by him and gradually withdraw 

from Dragoons. 

AIXJ. But who is this, whose god-like grace 

Proclaims he conies of noble race V 
And who is this, whose manly face 
Bears sorrow's interesting trace V 

ENSEMBLE. TUTTI. 
Yes, who is this ? etc. 

Gros. I am a broken-hearted troubadour, 

Whose mind's aesthetic, and whose tastes are pure ! 
Any. ^Esthetic ! He is aesthetic ! 

Gros. Yes, yes I am aesthetic 

And poetic ! 
All the Ladies. Then, we love you ! 

[The Girls leave Dragoons and group, kneeling, around 
GROSVEXOR. Fury of BUNTHOKNE, who recognizes 
a rival. 

Dragoons. They love him ! Horror ! 

Jhm. and Pa. They love him ! Horror ! 
Gros. They love me ! Horror! Horror! Horror! 

ENSEMBLE. TUTTI. 

GIRLS. GROSVENOR. 

Oh, list while we a love confess Again my cursed comeliness 

That words imperfectly express. Spreads hopeless anguish and dis- 

Those shell-like ears, ah, do not tress, 

close Thine ears, Fortune, did not close 

To blighted love's distract ing woes ! To my intolerable woes. 

Nor be distressed, nor scandalized Let me be hideous, undersized, 

If what we do is ill-advised, Contemned, degraded, loathed, de- 

Or we shall seek within the tomb spised. 

Relief from our appalling doom ! Or bid me seek within the tomb 

Relief from my detested doom ! 

PATIENCE. BUN. 

List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't express, 

A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly confess, 

That it's unselfish, goodness His shell-like ear he does not close 

knows, To their recital of their woes 

You won't dispute it, I suppose. I'm more than anery and surprised, 

For you are hideous undersized, I'm pained, and shocked, and scau- 

And everything that I've despised, dalized, 

And I shall love yon, I presume, But he shall meet a hideous doom 

I'ntil I sin!; into the tomb ! Prepared for him by I kr.o\v 

whom ! 

IH. I 



H4 PATIENCE ; OR, 



ACT II. 

SCENE. A glade. In the centre a small sheet of water. JANE 
is discovered leaning on a violoncello, upon which she 
presently accompanies herself. 

Jane. The fickle crew have deserted Eeginald and sworn 
allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced 
with passing favour on a puling milkmaid ! Fools ! Of that 
fancy he will soon weary and then I, who alone am faithful 
to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, 
Keginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they 
are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far ? 

RECITATIVE. JANE. 

Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, 

Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear, 

When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs, 

Impatiently begins to " dim her eyes ! " 

Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings, 

To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved " combings," 

Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve and pearly grey, 

To " make up " for lost time, as best she may ! 

SOXG. JANE. 

Silvered is the raven hair 

Spreading is the parting straight, 
Mottled the complexion fair, 

Halting is the youthful gait. 
Hollow is the laughter free, 

Spectacled the limped eye,' 
Little will be left of me, 

In the coming by-and-b} r ! 

Fading is the taper waist 

Shapeless grows the shapely limb, 
And although securely laced, 

Spreading is the figure trim ! 
Stouter than I used to be, 

Still more corpulent grow I 
There will be too much of me 

In the coming by-aad-by ! [Exit JANE. 

Enter GROSVENOR, followed ~by Maidens, two and two, each 
playing on an archaic instrument, as in Act I. lie is 
reading abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I. t and 
pays no attention to them. 






BUMTHORNES BRIDE. 115 

CHORUS OF MAIDENS. 

Turn, oh, turn, in this direction, 

Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile, 
With a glance of sad perfection 

Our poor fainting hearts beguile ! 
On such eyes as maidens cherish 

Let thy fond adorers gaze, 
Or-incontinently perish, 

In their all consuming rays ! 

\He, sits they group around him. 

Gros. (aside). The old old tale. How rapturously these 
maidens love me, and how hopelessly ! Ob, Patience, Patience, 
with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these 
poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity ? Alas, they will 
die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for 
thcc! 

Ang. Sir, will it please you read to us ? {Kneels.} 

Gros. (sighing). Yes, child, if you will. What shall I 
read ? 

Ang. One of your own poems. 

Gros. One of my own poems ? Better not, my child. They 
will not cure thee of thy love. 

Ella. Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own 
every day. 

Saph. And, to do him justice, he read them extremely 
well. 

Gros. Oh, did he so ? Well, who am I that I should take 
upon myself to withhold my gifts from you ? What am I but 
a trustee ? Here is a decalet a pure and simple thing, a very 
daisy a babe might understand it. To appreciate it it is not 
necessary to think of anything at all. 

Ang. Let us think of nothing at all ! 

GROSVEXOR recites. 

Gentle Jane was as good as gold, 

She always did as she was told. 

She never spoke when her mouth was full, 

Or caught blue-bottles their legs to pull ; 

Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock, 

Or put white mice in the eight-day clock, 

Or vivisected her last new doll, 

Or fostered a passion for alcohol. 
And when she grew up she was given in marriage 
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage ! 

Gros. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one 
word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of 
shame to the cheek of modesty. 



u6 PATIENCE; OR, 

Ang. Nut one ; it is purity itself. 
Gns. Here's another. 

Teasing Tom was a very bad bo}' ; 
A great big squirt was his favourite to}' ; 
He put live shrimps in his father's boots, 
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits ; 
He punched his poor little sisters' heads, 
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds ; 
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax, 
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs. 
The consequence was he was lost totally, 
And married a girl in the corps de bally ! 

Ang. Marked you how grandly how relentlessly the 
damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a 
poised hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer. Oh, 
it was terrible ! 

Ella. Ob, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our 
hearts, and they go out to you ! 

Gros. (aside). This is simply cloying. (Aloud.) Ladies, I 
am sorry to distress you, but you have been following me about 
ever since Monday, and this is Saturday. I should like the 
usual half-holiday, and if you will kindly allow me to close 
early to-day, I shall take it as a personal favour. 

Saph. Oh, sir, do not send us from you ! 

Gros. Poor, poor girls ! It is best to speak plainly. I know 
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for 
my heart is fixed elsewhere ! Eemember the fable of the 
Magnet and the Churn ! 

Ang. (wildly). But we don't know the fable of the Magnet 
and the Churn ! 

Gros. Don't you ? Then I will sing it to you. 

SONG. GROSVENOR. 
A magnet hung in a hardware shop, 
And all around was a loving crop 
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, 
Offering love for all their lives ; 
But for iron the magnet felt no whim, 
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, 
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn, 
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn ! 
All. A Silver Churn ! 

Gros. A Silver Churn ! 

His most {esthetic, 
Very magnetic 
Fancy took this turn 
" If I can wheedle 
A knife or needle, 
Why not a Silver Churn ? " 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 117 

Chor. His most aesthetic, etc. 

(Jros. And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, 

The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, 

The pen-knives felt " shut up," no doubt, 

The scissors declared themselves " cut out," 

The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, 

While every nail went off its head, 

And hither and thither began to roam, 

Till a hammer came up and drove them home. 

All. It drove them home ? 

Gros. It drove them home ; 

While this magnetic 

Peripatetic 
Lover he lived to learn, 

By no endeavour, 

Can magnet ever 
Attract a Silver Churn ! 

All. While this magnetic, etc. 

\Tliey go off in low spirits, gazing lack at him from time 

to time. 

Gros. At last they are gone! Wheat is this mysterious 
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across. A 
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests ! 

PATIENCE appears. 

Pa. Archibald! 

Gros. (turns and sees her). Patience ! 

Pa. I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. 
I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still 
love me as fondly as ever ? 

Gros. Love you ? If the devotion of a lifetime (Seizes 

her hand.) 

Pa. {indignantly'). Hold ! Unhand me, or I scream. (He 
releases her.) If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I 
am another's! (Very tenderly.) But you do love me, don't 
you? 

Gros. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly ! 

Pa. That's right ! I can never be yours ; but that's right ! 

Gros. And you love this Bunthorne ? 

Pa. With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches, 
and burns, and stings ! (Sadly.) It is my duty. 

Gros. Admirable girl ! But you are not happy with him ? 

Pa. Happy ? I am miserable beyond description ! 

Gros. That's right ! I never can be yours ; but that's right ! 

Pa. But go now I see dear Reginald approaching. Fare- 



H8 PATIENCE; OR, 

well, dear Archibald, I cannot tell you how happy it has made 
me to know that you still love me. 

Gros. Ah, if I only dared (Advances towards her.) 

Pa. Sir ! This language to one who is promised to another ! 
(Tenderly.) Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my 
heart is breaking ! He is so unkind to me, and you would be 
so loving ! 

Gros. Loving ! (Advances towards her.) 

Pa. Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, 
I scream! (Tenderly.} Farewell, Archibald ! (Sternly.) Stop 
there! (Tenderly.) Think of me sometimes! (Angrily.) 
Advance at your peril ! Once more, adieu ! 

[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, 
and exit. She bursts into tears. 

* 

Enter BuNTHORNE,/oZZ0;ed by JANE. He is moody and 

preoccupied. 

JANE sings. 

In a melancholy train, 

One and one I walk all day ; 
Pity those who love in vain 
None so sorrowful as they, 

Who can only sigh and say, 
Woe is me, alack a-day ! 

Bun. (seeing PATIENCE). Crying, eh ? What are you crying 
about ? 

Pa. I've only been thinking how dearly I love you ! 

Bun. Love me ! Bah ! 

Jane. Love him ! Bah ! 

Bun. (to JANE). Don't you interfere. 

Jane. He always crushes me ! 

Pa. (going to him). What is the matter, dear Eeginald ? If 
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with 
you. (Sighing.) It is my duty ! 

Bun. (snappishly). Whom were you talking with, just now ? 

Pa. With dear Archibald. 

Bun. (furiously). With dear Archibald ! Upon my honour, 
this is too much ! 

Jane. A great deal too much ! 

Bun. (angrily to JANE). Do be quiet ! 

Jane. Crushed again ! 

Pa. I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect being 
I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he 
is devotedly atttached to me, but indeed I don't love him. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 119 

Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty ! 
(Sighing). 

Hun. I dare say ! 

Jane. So do I. / dare say ! 

Pa. Why, how could I love him and love you too ? You 
can't love two people at once ! 

Sun. I don't believe you know what love is ! 

Pa. (sighing). Yes, I do! There was a happy time when 
I didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me! 

BALLAD. PATIENCE. 

Love is a plaintive song, 

Sung by a suffering maid, 
Telling a tale of wrong, 

Telling of hope betrayed. 
Tuned to each changing note, 

Sorry when he is sad. 
Blind to his every mote, 
Merry when he is glad ! 

Love that no wrong can cure, 

Love that is always new, 
That is the love that's pure, 
That is the love that's true ! 

Rendering good for ill, 

Smiling at every frown, 
Yielding your own self-will, 

Laughing your tear-drops down, 
Never a selfish whim, 

Trouble, or pain to stir ; 
Everything for him, 
Nothing at all for her ! 

Love that will aye endure, 

Though the rewards be few, 
That is the love that's pure, 
That is the love that's true ! 

[At the end of ballad, exit PATIENCE, weeping. 

Bun. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug- 
faced idiot carne here. Before that I was admired ; I may say, 
loved. 

Jane. Too mild. Adored ! 

Dun. Do let a poet soliloquize ! The darnozels used to follow 
me wherever I went ; now they all follow him ! 

Jane. Not all ! I am still faithful to you. 

Bun. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are ! 

Jane. No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up ! I will never 
leave you, I swear it ! 

Bun. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his con- 



120 PATIENCE; OR t 

founded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if 3^011 
please ! And no doubt 1 am highly spiced. 

Jane. Not for my taste ! 

Bun. (savagely}. No; 'but I am for theirs. But I can be as 
mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I'll 
meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it. 

Jane. You shall. And I will help you. 

Bun. You will ? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, 
after all ! 

DUET. BUNTHORXE AND JAKE. 

Jane. So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical 
Bun. Sing "Hey to you 

Good day to you " 
And that's what I shall say ! 
Jane. "Your style is much too sanctified your cut is too 

canonical 
Bun. Sing "Bah to you 

Ha ! ha ! to you "- 
And that's what I shall say ! 

Jane. " I was the beau ideal of the morbid young lesthetical 
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical 
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical." 
Bun. Sing " Booh to you 

Pooh, pooh, to you" 
And that's what I shall say ! 

Both. Sing " Hey to you, good day to you " 

Sing "Bah to you, ha ! ha ! to you " 
Sing "Booh to you, pooh, pooh" 

And that's what -{ u } shall say ! 

Bun. I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular 
Jane. Say " Booh to you 

Pooh, pooh, to you " 
And that's what you should say ! 

Bun. To cut his curly hair, and stick an eye-glass in his ocular 
Jane. Sing " Bah to you 

Ha ! ha ! to you " 
And that's what you should say ! 

Bun. To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity, 
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity 
He'd better clear away with all convenient rapidity. 
Jane. Sing " Hey to you 

Good day to you" 
And that's what you should say ! 

Both. Sing " Booh to you pooh, pooh, to you," 

Sing " Bah to you ha! ha ! to you," 
Sing " Hey to you good day to you " 

And that's what shall say ! 



[Exeunt JANE and BUNTHORXE torjetltcr. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 



[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR. They have abandoned 
their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation 
of JEsthetics. They have long hair, and other outward 
signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they 
^valk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes a grotesque 
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted ly Bunthorne and the 
young Ladies in Act I. 

TRIO. 
DUKE, COLONEL, AND MAJOR. 

It's clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest, 
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best. 
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring ; 
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing : 

You hold yourself like this (attitude), 

You hold yourself like that (attitude), 
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude). 

We venture to expect 

That what we recollect, 
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect. 

If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid, 

You can't get high Esthetic tastes like trousers, ready made. 

True views on Medievalism, Time alone will bring, 

But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing : 

You hold yourself like this (attitude), 

You hold yourself like that (attitude), 

By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude), 
To cultivate the trim 
Rigidity of limb, 
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him (attitude). 

Col. (attitude). Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of 
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to 
become as aesthetic as they are. 

Maj. (attitude). No doubt. The only question is how far 
we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an 
idea that this is not quite right. 

Duke (attitude). I don't like it. I never did. I don't see 
what it means. I do it, but I don't like it. 

Col. My good friend, the question is not whether we like if, 
but whether they do. They understand these things we don't. 
Now, I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough at a 
distance. 

Maj. I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It would 
be extremely awkward if we were to be " struck " so ! 

Col. I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a 
little awkward at first but everything must have a beginning. 
Oh, here they come ! 'Tention ! 



122 PATIENCE; OR, 

They sir ike fresh attitudes, as ANG. and SAPHIR enter. 

Aug. (seeing them).~~Gh, Saphir see see! The immortal 
fire has descended ou them, and they are of the Inner Brother- 
hood perceptively intense and consummately utter! (The 
Officers have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained 
attitudes.) 

Saph. (in admiration). How Botticellian ! How Fra 
Angelican ! Oh, Art ! I thank thee for this boon ! 

Col. (apologetically). I'm afraid we're not quite right. 

Ang. Not supremely, perhaps, but, oh, so ail-but! (To 
SAPHIR.) Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too ail-but? 

Saph. They are indeed jolly utter. 

Maj. (in agony). What do the Inner Brotherhood usually 
recommend for cramp ? 

Col. Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at 
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the ex- 
tremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without 
its effect. 

Ang. We will not deny that we are much moved by this 
proof of your attachment. 

Saph. Yes, your conversion to the principles of -/Esthetic Art 
in its highest development has touched us deeply. 

Ang. And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdurate 

Saph. Which we have every reason to believe he will 

Maj. (aside, in agony). I wish they'd make haste. 

Ang. We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts 
will not go out to you. 

Col. (as giving a word of command). By sections of threes 
Rapture! (All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of (Esthetic 
rapture.) 

Saph. Oh, it's extremely good for beginners it's admir- 
able. 

Maj. The only question is, who will take who ? 

Saph. Oh, the Duke choose first, as a matter of course. 

Duke. Oh, I couldn't think of it you are really too 
good! 

Col. Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish, 
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance 
of hooking you. 

Duke. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose 
Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. Suppose you 
choose Saphir, Major takes Angela, I take nobody. Suppose 
you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear 
as dav ! 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 123 

QUINTETTE. 

DUKE, COLONEL, MAJOR, ANGELA, AND SAPHIR. 

DUKE (taking SAPHIR). 
If Saphir I choose to marry, 

I shall be fixed up for life ; 
Then the Colonel need not tarry, 
Angela can be his wife. 

\_IIandirtg ANGELA to COLONEL. 

[DUKE dances with SAPHIR, COLONEL ivith ANGELA, 
MAJOR dances alone. 

MAJOR (dancing alone), 
In that case unprecedented, 

Single I shall live and die 
I shall have to be contented 

With their heartfelt sympathy ! 

ALL (dancing as before). 
He will have to be contented 
With our heartfelt sympathy ! 

DUKE (taking ANGELA). 
If on Angy I determine, 

At niy wedding she'll appear, 
Decked in diamond and ermine, 

Major then can take Saphir ! 

[Handing SAPHIR to MAJOR. 

[DuKE dances ivith ANGELA, MAJOR with SAPHIR, 
COLONEL dances alone. 

COLONEL (dancing}. 
In that case unprecedented, 

Single I shall live and die, 
I shall have to be contented 

With their heartfelt sympathy ! 

ALL (dancing as before). 
He will have to be contented 
With our heartfelt sympathy ! 

DUKE (taking both ANGELA and SAPHIR). 
After some debate internal, 

If on neither I decide, 
Saphir then can take the Colonel, 

[Handing SAPHIR to COLONEL. 
Angy be the Major's bride ! 

[Handing ANGELA to MAJOR. 

[COLONEL dances with SAPHIR, MAJOR with ANGELA, 
DUKE dances alone. ] 



124 PATIENCE; OR, 

DUKE (dancing'). 

In that case unprecedented, 

Single I must live and die, 
I shall have to be contented 

With their heartfelt sympathy ! 

ALL (dancing as before). 

He will have to live contented 
With our heartfelt sympathy ! 

[At the end, DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, and tuo Girls 
dance off arm in arm. 

Enter GROSVENOE. 

Gros. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be 
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may 
gaze upon at their good will ! (Looking at his reflection in 
hand-mirror.') Ah ! I am a very Narcissus ! 

Enter BUNTHORNE, moodily. 

Bun. It's no use, I can't live without admiration ! Since 
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, 
he is there ! 

Gros. Ah, Bunthorne, come here look ! Very graceful, 
isn't it? 

Bun. (taking hand-mirror). Yes, it is graceful. 

Gros. (re-taking hand-mirror'). Oh ! good gracious not that 

Bun. You don't mean that. Bah ! I am in no mood for 
trifling. 

Gros. And what is amiss ? 

Bun. Ever since you came here, you have entirely mono- 
polized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir ! 

Gros. My dear sir, how can I help it ? They are the plague 
of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal dis- 
advantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being 
madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet. 

Bun. Sir, until you came here I was adored ! 

Gros. Exactly until I came here. That's my grievance. 
I cut everybody out ! I assure you, if you could only suggest 
some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I 
could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my 
everlasting gratitude. 

Bun. I will do so at once. However popular it may be 



BUNTHORNES BRIDE. 125 

with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly 
objectionable to me. 

Gros. It is? (Shaking his hand.) Oh, thank you, thank 
you ! How can I express my gratitude ? 

Bun. By making a complete change at once. Your conver- 
sation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must 
cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and 
costume you must be absolutely commonplace. 

Gros. (decidedly'). No. Pardon me, that's impossible. 

Bun. Take care. When I am thwarted I am very terrible. 

Gros. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And 
that mission must be fulfilled. 

Bun. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of 
thwarting me. 

Gros. I don't care what they are. 

Bun. Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I will do it 
but suppose for one moment, I were to curse you ? (Giios- 
VENOR quails.) Ah! Very well. Take care. 

Gros. But surely you would never do that? (In great 
alarm.) 

Bun. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no 
doubt. Still 

Gros. (wildly). But you would not do it I am sure you 
would not. (Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE'S knees, and 
clinging to him.) Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother 
once. 

Bun. Never ! 

Gros. Then you had an aunt ! (BUNTHORNE affected.) Ah! 
I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you 
to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. 
Bunthorne, reflect, reflect ! ( Weeping^.) 

Bun. (aside, after a struggle with himself). I must not allow 
myself to be unmanned ! (Aloud.) It is useless. Consent at 
once, or may a nephew's curse 

Gros. Hold. Are you absolutely resolved ? 

Bun. Absolutely. 

Gros. Will nothing shake you ? 

Bun. Nothing. I am adamant. 

Gros. Very good. (Rising.) Then I yield. 

Bun. Ha ! You swear it ? 

Gros. I do. Cheerfully. I have long wished for a reason- 
able pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at 
last. I do it on compulsion! 

Bun. Victory ! I triumph ! 



126 PATIENCE: OR, 

DUET, BUXTHORXE AND GROSVEXOE. 

Bun. When I go out of door, 

Of damozels a score 

(All sighing and burning, 

And clinging and yearning) 
Will follow me as before. 
I shall, with cultured taste, 
Distinguish gems from paste, 

And " High diddle diddle " 

Will rank as an idyll, 
If I pronounce it chaste ! 

A most intense young man, 
A soulful-eyed young man, 
An ultra poetical, super-aesthetical, 
Out-of-the-way young man. 

Both. A most intense young man, etc. 

Gros. Conceive me, if you can, 

An everyday young man ; 

A commonplace type, 

With a stick and a pipe, 
And a half-bred black-and-tan. 

Who thinks suburban " hops," 

More fun than "Monday pops." 
Who's fond of his dinner, 

And doesn't get thinner 

On bottled beer and chops. 

A commonplace young man 
A matter-of-fact young man 
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday 
Everyday young man ! 

Bun. A Japanese young man 

A blue-and-white young man 
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piininy, 
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man. 

Gros. A Chancery Lane young man 

A Somerset House young man 
A very delectable, highly respectable, 
Threepenny-bus young man ! 

Bun. A pallid and thin young man 

A haggard and lank young man 
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery, 
Foot-in-the-grave young man ! 

Gros. A Sewell and Cross young man 

A Howell and James young man 
A pushing young particle " What's the next 

article " 
Waterloo House young man ! 



BUNT&ORN&S BRIDE. 127 

ENSEMBLE. 
BUN. GKOS. 

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, 

A crotchety, cracked young A matter-of-fact young man, 

man, An alphabetical, arithmetical, 

An ultra-poetical, super-a3sthctical, Everyday young man ! 
Out-of-the-way young man ! 

[At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. BUNTIIORXE 

remains. 

Bun. It is all right ! I have committed my last act of ill- 
nature, and henceforth I'm a reformed character. 

[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. 

Enter PATIENCE. She gazes in astonishment at him. 

Pa. Keginald! Dancing! And what in the world is the 
matter with you ? 

Bun. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto, I've been 
gloomy, moody, fitful uncertain in temper, and selfish in 
disposition 

Pa. You have indeed ! (Sighing.) 

Sun. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have 
modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly 
cheerful. My conversation will blend amusement with in- 
struction. I shall still be esthetic ; but my asstheticism wilt 
be of the most pastoral kind. 

Pa. Oh, Reginald ! Is all this true V 

Bun. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. (Assuming 
a fixed smile.) 

Pa. But, Keginald, how long will this last ? 

Bun. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as 
long as I do. 

Pa. Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy ! (In his arms.) Oh, dear, 
dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change. 
It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure a 
rapture, an ecstasy ! 

Bun. My darling ! 

Pa. But oh, horror ! (Recoiling from him.) 

Bun. What's the matter ? 

Pa. Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed 
that you are .henceforth a perfect being utterly free from 
defect of any kind ? 

Bun. It is quite certain. I have sworn it ! 

Pa. Then I never can be yours ! 

Bun. Why not? 



US PATIENCE; OR, 

Pa. Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there 
can bo nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you 
have now become ! 

Bun. But, stop a bit, I don't want to reform I'll relapse 
I'll be as I was 

Pa. No ; love should purify it should never debase. 

Bun. But, I assure you, I interrupted ! 

Enter GROSVENOR, followed by all the young Ladies, who are 

followed ~by chorus of Dragoons. He has had his hair cut, 

and is dressed in an ordinary suit of dittos and a pot hat. 

They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked 

contrast to their former languor. 

CHORUS GROSVENOR AND LADIES. 

GROS. LADIES. 

I'm a Waterloo House young man, We're Swears and Wells young 

A Sewell and Cross young man, girls, 

A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank- We're Madame Louise young girls, 

holiday, We're prettily pattering, cheerily 

Everyday young man. chattering, 

Everyday young girls. 

Gros. I'm a Waterloo House young man ! 

Girls. We're Swears and Wells young girls ! 

Gros. I'm a Sewell and Cross young man ! 

Girls. We're Madam Louise young girls ! 

Gros. \ I'm a steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday, 

f Everyday young man ! 

Ladies. I We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering, 
Everyday young girls ! 

Bun. Angela Ella Saphir what what does this mean ? 

Ang. It means that Archibald the All-right cannot be 
wrong; and if the All-right chooses to discard sestheticism, it 
proves that ffistheticism ought to be discarded. 

Pa. Oh, Archibald ! Archibald! I'm shocked surprised 
horrified ! 

Gros. I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on 
compulsion. 

Pa. This is terrible. Go ! I shall never set eyes on you 
again. But oh, joy ! 

Gros. What is the matter ? 

Pa. Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a 
commonplace young man ? 

Gros. Always I've sworn it. 



BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 129 

Pa. Why, then, there's nothing to prevent "my loving you 
with all the fervour at my command ! 
Oros. Why, that's true. 
Pa. My Archibald ! 
Gros. My Patience! (They embrace.) 
Bun. Crushed again ! 

Enter JANE. 

Jane (ivho is still (esthetic). Cheer up ! I am still here. I 
have never left you, and I never will ! 

Bun. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it, 
you're a fine figure of a woman ! 

Jane. My Reginald ! 

Bun. My Jane ! 

Flourish. Enter COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR. 

Col. Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a 
bride! (General excitement.) 

Duke. I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you 
as are truly lovely. (All come forward, bashfully, except JANE 
and PATIENCE.) In personal beauty you have all that is 
necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I 
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the 
misfortune to be distinctly plain. (Girls retire disappointed.) 
Jane ! 

Jane (leaving BUNTHORNE'S arms). Duke ! (JANE and 
DUKE embrace. BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.) 



Bun. Crushed again ! 



FIXALE. 



Duke. After much debate internal 

I on Lady Jane decide, 
Saphir now may take the Colonel, 
Angy be the Major's bride ! 

[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, ANGELA with the 
MAJOR, ELLA with Solicitor. 

Bun. In that case unprecedented, 

Single I must live and die, 
I shall have to be contented 
With a tulip or lily ! 

[Takes a lily from button-hole, and gazes affectionately 
at it. 

All. He will have to be contented 

With a tulip or lily ! 
111. K 



130 PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNES BRIDE. 

All '. Greatly pleased with one another, 

To get married we decide, 
Each of us will wed the other, 
Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride ! 

DANCE. 
CUKTAIN. 



PRINCESS IDA; 

OR, 

CASTLE ADAMANT. 

A RESPECTFUL OPERATIC PER-VERSION OF 
TENN Y SON'S ' ' PRfNCESS, ' ' 

IN THREE ACTS. 

Produced at the Savoy Theatre, Saturday, January $th, 1884, under 
the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



KING HILDEBRAND MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON. 

HILARION, his Son MR. H. BRACY. 

CYRIL, 1 (MR. DURWARD LELY. 

> Hnarion s friends ... < 

FLORIAN j I. MR. CHAS. RYLEY. 

KING GAMA MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH. 

ARAC (MR. RICHARD TEMPLE. 

GURON I his Sons \ MR. WARWICK GRAY. 

SCYNTHIUS J ' MR. LUGG. 

PRINCESS IDA, Gama's Daughter ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM. 
LADY BLANCHE, Professor of Abstract 

Science Miss BRANDRAM. 

LADY PSYCHE, Professor of Humanities Miss KATE CHARD. 
MELISSA, Lady Blanche's Daughter ... Miss JESSIE BOND. 
SACHARISSA "j /-Miss SYBIL GREY. 

CHLOE \ Girl Graduates ... | Miss HEATHCOTE. 

ADA J [ Miss LILIAN CARR. 

Soldiers, Courtiers, Girl Graduates) Daughters of the Plough, etc. 

ACT I. 
PAVILION IN KING HILDEBRAND'S PALACE. 

ACT II. 

GARDENS OF CASTLE ADAMANT. 



ACT III. 
COURTYARD OF CASTLE ADAMANT. 



PRINCESS IDA; 

OR, 

CASTLE ADAMANT. 

ACT I. 

SCENE. Pavilion attached to KING HILDEBRAND'S Palace. 
Soldiers and Courtiers discovered looking out through opera* 
glasses, telescopes, etc., FLORIAN leading. 

CHORUS. 

Search throughout the panorama 
For a sign of royal Gama, 

Who to-day should cross the water 

With his fascinating daughter 
Ida is her name. 

Some misfortune evidently 

Has detained them consequently 

Search throughout the panorama 

For the daughter of King Gama, 
Prince Hilarion's flame ! 

SOLO. 

Flor. Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted ? 

AIL Who can tell"? 

Flor. Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted ? 

All. Who can tell? 

Flor. Will she back out, and say she did not mean them ? 

All. Who can tell? 

Flor. If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them ! 

All. No, no we'll not despair, 

For Gama would not dare 

To make a deadly foe 

Of Hildebrand, and so, 
Search throughout, etc. 



134 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

Enter KING HILDEBRAND, with CYRIL. 

Hild. See you no sign of Gama ? 
Flor. None, my liege ! 

Hild. It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail 
To put in an appearance at our Court 
Before the sun has set in yonder west, 
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here, 
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed 
At the extremely early age of one, 
There's war between King Gama and ourselves ! 
(Aside to CYRIL.) Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview, 
It's twenty years since he and I have met. 
He was a twisted monster all awry 
As though dame Nature, angry with her work, 
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance ! 

Cyr. But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk 
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was 
A kind, well-spoken gentlemen ? 

Eild. Oh, no ! 

For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue. 
(His " sting " is present, though his " stung" is past.) 
Flor. (looking through glass). But stay, my liege ; o'er 

yonder mountain's brow 
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms ; 
And now, I look more closely at it, sir, 
I see attached to it King Gama's legs ; 
From which I gather this corollary 
That that small body must be Gama's own ! 
Hild. Ha ! Is the Princess with him ? 
Flor. Well, my liege, 

Unless her highness is full six feet high, 
And wears moustachios too and smokes cigars 
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel 
I do not think she is. 

Hild. One never knows. 

She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things! 
Come, bustle there ! 

For Gama place the richest robes we own 
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress 
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired 
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn 
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out 
For Gama place cold water and dry bread ! 
For as King Gama brings the Princess here, 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 135 

Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have 

Much more than everything much less than nothing ! 

SONG AXD CHORUS. 

Hild. Now hearken to my strict command 
On every hand, on every hand 

CHORUS. 

To your command, 
On every hand, 
We dutifully bow ! 

Hild. If Garna bring the Princess here 

Give him good cheer, give him good cheer. 

CHORUS. 

If she come here 
We'll give him a cheer, 
And we will show you how. 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
We'll shout and sing 
Long live the king, 
And his daughter, too, I trow ! 
Then shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
For the fair Princess and her good papa, 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah ! 

Hild. But if he fail to keep his troth, 

Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both ! 

CHORUS. 

He'll trounce them both, 
Upon his oath. 
As sure as quarter day ! 

Hild. We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell, 
And toll his knell on a funeral bell. 

CHORUS. 

From dungeon cell, 
His funeral knell, 
Shall strike him with dismay ! 
And we'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
As up we string, 
The faithless King, 
In the old familiar way ! 



136 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

We'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah ! 
As we make an end of her false papa. 

Hip, hip, hurrah ! 

Hip, hip, hurrah ! 
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah ! [Exeunt all. 

Enter HILABION. 

RECITATIVE. HILARION. 

To-day we meet my baby bride and I 
But, ah, niy hopes are balanced by my fears ! 

What transmutations have been conjured by 
The silent alchemy of twenty years ! 

BALLAD. HILARION. 

Ida was a twelvemonth old, 

Twenty years ago ! 
I was twice her age, I'm told, 

Twenty years ago ! 
Husband twice as old as wife 
Argues ill for married life 
Baleful prophecies were rife, 

Twenty years ago ! 

Still, I was a tiny prince 

Twenty years ago. 
She has gained upon me, since 

Twenty years ago. 
Though she twenty-one, it's true, 
I am barely twenty-two 
False and foolish prophets you, 

Twenty years ago ! 

Enter HILDEBRAND. 

Hil. Well, father, is there news for me at last ? 

Hild. King Gama is in sight, but much I fear 
With no Princess ! 

Hil. Alas, my liege, I've heard 

That Princess Ida has forsworn the world, 
And, with a band of women, shut herself 
Within a lonely country house, and there 
Devotes herself to stern philosophies ! 

Hild. Then I should say the loss of such a wife 
Is one to which a reasonable man 
Would easily be reconciled. 

Hil. Oh no! 

Or I am not a reasonable man. 
She is my wife has been for twenty years ! 
(Looking through glass.) I think I see her now. 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 137 

Ha ! let me look ! 
Eil. In my mind's eye, I mean a blushing bride, 
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow ! 
How exquisite she looked, as she was borne, 
-Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms ; 
How the bride wept nor would be comforted 
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce, 
Administered refreshment in the vestry. 
And I remember feeling much annoyed 
That she should weep at marrying with me. 
But then I thought, " These brides are all alike. 
You cry at marrying me ? How much more cause 
You'd have to cry if it were broken off ! " 
These were my thoughts ; I kept them to myself, 
For at that age I had not learnt to speak. 

Enter Courtiers, with CYRIL and FLORIAN. 

Chorus. From the distant panorama 

Come the sons of royal Gama. 

Who, to-day, should cross the water 
With his fascinating daughter 
Ida is her name ! 

Enter ABAC, GURON and SCYNTHIUS. 

SONG. ARAC. 
We are warriors three, 

Sons of Gama, Hex, 
Like most sons are we, 

Masculine in sex. 

All Three. Yes, yes, 

Masculine in sex. 

Arac. Politics we bar, 

They are not our bent ; 
On the whole we are 
Not intelligent. 

All Three. No, no, 

Not intelligent. 

Arac. But with doughty heart, 

And with trusty blade 
We can play our part 
Fighting is our trade. 

All Three. Yes, yes, 

Fighting is our trade. 

All Three. Bold, and fierce, and strong, ha ! ha ! 
For a war we burn, 



138 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

With its right or wrong, ha ! ha ! 

We have no concern. 
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha ! 

Order is obeyed, 

We are men of might, ha ! ha ! 

Fighting is our trade. 

Yes, yes, 
Fighting is our trade, ha ! ha ! 

Fighting is our trade. 

Chorus, j They are men of might, ha ! Im ! 
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha ! 
Order is obeyed, ha ! ha ! 
Fighting is their trade ! 

Enter KING GAM A. 

SONG. GAMA. 

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am ! 
I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham. 
Each little fault of temper and each social defect 
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. 
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes 
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ; 
I love my fellow-creatures I do all the good I can 
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! 
And I can't think why ! 

To compliments inflated I've a withering reply, 
And vanity I always do my best to mortify ; 
A charitable action I can skilfully dissect ; 
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect ; 
I know everybody's income and what everybody earns ; 
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns ; 
But to benefit humanity however much I plan, 
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! 
And I can't think why ! 

I'm sure I'm no ascetic ; I'm as pleasant as can be ; 
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee, 
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, 
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer. 
To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ; 
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do. 
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, 
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! 
And I can't think why ! 

Oama. So this is Castle Hildebrand ? Well, well ! 
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand ; 
She told me that your taste was exquisite, 
Superb, unparalleled ! 

Hild. (gratified}. Oh, really, king ! 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 139 

Gama. But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown ! 
Is this Hilarion ? Why, you've changed too 
You were a singularly handsome child! 
(To Florian.) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply 

your trade, 

Tell me some lies. How do you like your king ? 
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile. 
Now, that's not true ? 

Flo. My lord, we love our king 

His wise remarks are valued by his court 
As precious stones. 

Gama. And for the selfsame cause, 

Like precious stones, his sensible remarks 
Derive their value from their scarcity ! 
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once ! 
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not. 
This leg is crooked this foot is ill-designed 
This shoulder wears a hump ! Come, out with it! 
Look, here's my face 1 Now, am I not the worst 
Of Nature's blunders ? 

Cyril. Nature never errs. 

To those who know the workings of your mind, 
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book 
Appropriately bound. 

Gama (enraged). Why, hark ye, sir, 
How dare you bandy words with me? 
^ Cyril. No need, 

To bandy aught that appertains to you. 

Gama (furiously). Do you permit this, king ? 

Hild. We are in doubt 

Whether to treat you as an honoured guest, 
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word, 
And breaks it. 

Gama (quickly). If the casting vote's with me, 
I give it for the former ! 

Hild. We shall see. 

By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed, 
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day ; 
Why is she not with you ? 

Gama. Answer me this ; 

What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man, 
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend, 
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes, 
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes ? 
What name have you for such an one ? 



140 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

Hild. A snob. 

Gama. Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit, 
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity, and pluck. 
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade, 
These brilliant qualities before your eyes ? 
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob ! 

Hild. (furiously}. Stop that tongue, 
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it ! 

Gama. Bravo ! your king deprives me of my head, 
That he and I may meet on equal terms ! 

Hild. Where is she now ? 

Gama. In Castle Adamant, 

One of my many country houses. 
She rules a woman's University, 
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her. 

Cyril. A hundred girls ! A hundred ecstasies ! 

Gama. But no mere girls, my good young gentleman ; 
With all the college learning that you boast, 
The youngest there will prove a match for you. 

Cyril. With all my heart, if she's the prettiest ! 
( To Flo.) Fancy a hundred matches all alight ! 
That's if I strike them as I hope to do ! 

Gama. Despair your hope ; their hearts are dead to men. 
He who desires to gain their favour must 
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains, 
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir, 
And they light only on the knowledge box 
So youv'e no chance ! 

Flo. Are there no males whatever in those walls ? 

Gama. None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails 
And they are driven (as males often are 
In other large communities) by women. 
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular 
She'll scarcely suffer Dr. Watt's hymns 
And all the animals she owns are " hers " ! 
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn 

Cyril. Ah, then they have male poultry ? 

Gama. Not at all, 

{Confidentially.} The Growing's done by an accomplished 
hen! 

DUET. GAMA AND HILDEBRAND. 

Garnet. Perhaps if you address the lady 
Most politely, most politely 
Flatter and impress the lady, 
Most politely, most politely 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 141 

Humbly beg and humbly sue 
She may deign to look on you, 
But your doing you must do 

Most politely, most politely ! 
All. Humbly beg and humbly sue, etc. 

Hitd. Go you, and inform the lady, 

Most politely, most politely, 
If she don't, we'll storm the lady, 

Most politely, most politely ! 
(To Gama). You'll remain as hostage here ; 
Should Hilarion disappear, 
We will hang you, never fear, 

Most politely, most politely ! 
C He'll ^| 
All. < I'll V remain as hostage here, etc. 



[GAMA, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are marched 
off in custody, HILDEBRAND following. 

RECITATIVE. HILARION. 

Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain, 
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage ; 

But we will use no force her love to gain, 
Nature has armed us for the war we wage ! 

TKIO. HILARION, CYRIL, AND FLORIAN. 

Ilil. Expressive glances 

Shall be our lances, 

And pops of Sillery 

Our light artillery. 
We'll storm their bowers 
With scented showers 
Of fairest flowers 

That we can buy ! 

Chor. Oh, dainty triolet ! 

Oh, fragrant violet ! 
Oh, gentle heigho-let 
(Or little sigh) 
On sweet urbanity, 
Though mere inanity, 
To touch their vanity 
We will rely ! 

Cyr When day is fading, 

With serenading 

And such frivolity 
We'll prove our quality. 
A sweet profusion 
Of soft allusion 
This bold intrusion 

Shall justify. 
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc. 



1 42 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

Flo. We'll charm their senses 

With verbal fences, 

With ballads amatory 

And declamatory. 
And little heeding 
Their pretty pleading 
Our love exceeding 

We'll justify ! 

Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc. 

He-enter GAMA, ABAC, GUKON, and SCYNTHIUS heavily ironed. 

RECITATIVE. 

Gama. Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust? 
Hild. You must ! 

Gama. This seems unnecessarily severe ! 
Arac, Guron, and Scynthius. Hear, hear ! 

TRIO. ARAC, GUUON AND SCYNTHIUS. 

For a month to dwell 
In a dungeon cell ; 

Growing thin and wizen 

In a solitary prison, 
Is a poor look out 
For a soldier stout, 

Who is longing for the rattle 

Of a complicated battle 
For the rum-tum-tum 
Of the military drum, 

And the guns that go boom ! boom ! 

All. Boom ! boom ! boom ! boom ! 

Rum-ttimmy-tummy-tum ! 
Boom ! boom ! 

Hild. When Hilarion's bride 

Has at length compiled 

With the just conditions 

Of our requisitions, 
You may go in haste 
And indulge your taste 

For the fascinating rattle 

Of a complicated battle. 

For the rum-tum-tum, 
Of the military drum, 

And the guns that go boom ! boom ! 

All. Boom ! boom ! etc. 

All. But till that time J JJj!Jj j here remain, 

And bail -f they \ will not entertain, 






CASTLE ADAMANT. 143 

Should she ~| Qva J- mandate disobcj-, 
Your li vcs the penalty will pay ! 
[GAM A, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS arc marched 



ACT II. 

Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the back of 
the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle Ada?nant in 
the distance. Girl graduates discovered seated at the feet 
P/LADY PSYCHE. 

CHORUS. 

Towards the empyrean heights 

Of every kind of lore, 
We've taken several easy nights, 

And mean to take some more. 
In trying to achieve success 

No envy racks our heart, 
And all the knowledge we possess 

We mutually impart. 

SOLO. MELISSA. 
Pray what authors should she read 
Who in Classics would succeed ? 

PSYCHE. 

If you'd cross the Helicon, 
You should read Anacreon, 
Ovid's Metamorphoses, 
Likewise Aristophanes, 
And the works of Juvenal : 
These are worth attention, all ; 
But, if you will be advised. 
You will get them Bowdlerized ! 

CHORUS. 

Yes, we'll do as we're advised, 
We will get them Bowdlerized ! 

SOLO. SACHARISSA. 
Pray you, tell us, if you can, 
What's the thing that's known as Man ? 

PSYCHE. 

Man will swear, and Man will storm 
Man is not at all good form 



144 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

Man is of no kind of use 
Man's a donkey Man's a goose 
Man is coarse, and Man is plain 
Man is more or less insane 
Man's a ribald Man's a rake, 
Man is Nature's sole mistake ! 

CHORUS. 

We'll a memorandum make 
Man is Nature's sole mistake ! 

And thus to empyrean height 

Of every kind of lore, 
In search of wisdom's pure delight, 

Ambitiously we soar. 
In trying to achieve success 

No envy racks our heart, 
For all we know and all we guess, 

We mutually impart ! 

Enter LADY BLANCHE. All stand up demurely. 

Bla. Attention, ladies, while I read to you 
The Princess Ida's list of punishments. 
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled ! 

All. Expelled! 

Bla. Expelled, because although she knew 

No man of any kind may pass our walls, 
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here ! 

Sack, (crying). I meant no harm ; they're only men of 
wood ! 

Bla. They're men with whom you give each other mate, 
And that's enough ! The next is Chloe. 

Chloe. Ah! 

Bla. Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday, 
When looking through her drawing-book, I found 
A sketch of a perambulator ! 

All (horrified). Oh ! 

Bla. Double perambulator, shameless girl ! 
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray ! 
Your Principal the Princess comes to give 
Her usual inaugural address 
To those young ladies who joined yesterday. 

Enter the PRINCESS. 

CHORUS. 
Mighty maiden with a mission, 

Paragon of common sense, 
Running fount of erudition, 

Miracle of eloquence, 



CASTLE ADAMANT. MS 

We are blind, and we would see ; 
We are bound, and would be free ; 
We are dumb, and we would talk ; 
We are lame, and we would walk. 
Mighty maiden with a mission 

Paragon of common sense ; 
Running fount of erudition 
Miracle of eloquence ! 

Prin. (Recit.) Minerva ! hear me : 

ARIA. 

At this my call 

A fervent few 

Have come to woo 
The rays that from thee fall. 

Oh, goddess wise 
That lovest light, 
Endow with sight 
Their unillumined eyes. 

Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, 
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine ! 

Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes 

Who thirst for such instruction as we give, 

Attend, while I unfold a parable. 

The elephant is mightier than Man, 

Yet Man subdues him. Why ? The elephant 

Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her forehead}. 

And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's, 

As Woman's brain to Man's (that's rule of three) 

Conquers the foolish giant of the woods, 

As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man. 

In Mathematics, Woman leads the way 

The narrow-minded pedant still believes 

That two and two make four ! Why we can prove, 

We women household drudges as we are 

That two and two make five or three or seven ; 

Or five and twenty, if the case demands ! 

Diplomacy ? The wiliest diplomate 

Is absolutely helpless in our hands, 

He wheedles monarchs woman wheedles him ! 

Logic ? Why, tyrant Man himself admits 

It's waste of time to argue with a woman ! 

Then we excel in social qualities : 

Though Man professes that he holds our sex 

In utter scorn, I venture to believe 

He'd rather spend the day with one of you, 

Than with five hundred of his fellow-men ! 

III. L 



146 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

In all things we excel. Believing this, 

A hundred maidens here have sworn to place 

Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed, 

We'll treat him better than he treated us : 

But if we fail, why then let hope fail too ! 

Let no one care a penny how she looks 

Let red be worn with yellow blue with green 

Crimson with scarlet violet with blue ! 

Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves, 

At inconvenient moments come undone ! 

Let hair-pins lose their virtue : let the hook 

Disdain the fascination of the eye 

The bashful button modestly evade 

The soft embraces of the button-hole ! 

Let old associations all dissolve, 

Let Swan secede from Edgar Gask from Gask, 

Sewell from Cross Lewis from Allenby ! 

In other words let Chaos come again ! 

{Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day ? 

Bla. I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy. 
There I propose considering, at length, 
Three points The Is, the Might Be, and the Must : 
Whether the Is, from being actual fact, 
Is more important than the vague Might Be, 
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope, 
Is for that reason greater than the Is : 
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand 
Compared with the inevitable Must ! 

Prin. The subject's deep how do you treat it, pray ? 

Bla. Madam, I take three possibilities, 
And strike a balance, then, between the three ! 
As thus : The Princess Ida Is our head, 
The Lady Psyche Might Be Lady Blanche, 
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must. 
Given these three hypotheses to find 
The actual betting against each of them ! 

Prin. Your theme's ambitious : pray you bear in mind 
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well, 
You and your pupils ! Maidens, follow me. 

[Exeunt PRINCESS and Maidens, singing refrain of 
chorus, " And thus to empyrean heights" etc. 
Manet LADY BLANCHE. 

Bla. I should command here I was born to rule. 
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. 
I shall some day. Not yet. I bide my time. 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 147 

I once was Sonic One and the Was Will Be. 

The Present as we speak becomes the Past, 

The Past repeats itself, and so is Future ! 

This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough. 

SONG. LADY BLANCHE. 

Come mighty Must ! 

Inevitable Shall ! 
In thee I trust. 

Time weaves my coronal ! 
Go, mocking Is ! 

Go, disappointing Was ! 
That I am this 

Ye are the cursed cause ! 
Yet humble second shall be first, 

I ween ; 

And dead and buried be the curst 
Has Been ! 

Oh, weak Might Be ! 

Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should ! 
How powerless ye 

For evil or for good ! 
In every sense 

Your moods I cheerless call, 
Whate'er your tense 

Ye are Imperfect, all ! 
Ye have deceived the trust that I've shown 

In ye ! 
Away ! The Mighty Must alone 

Shall be ! 

{Exit LADY BLANCHE. 

Enter HILARION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN, climbing over ivall, and 
creeping cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of 
the stage. 

TRIO. HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAN. 

Gently, gently, 
Evidently 

We are safe so far, 
After scaling 
Fence and paling, 

Here, at last, we are ! 
In this college 
Useful knowledge 

Everywhere one finds, 
And already, 
Growing steady, 

We've enlarged our minds. 



148 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

Cyr. We've learnt that prickly cactus 

Has the power to attract us 

When we fall.. 
All. When we fall ! 

Hil. That nothing man unsettles 

Like a bed of stinging nettles, 

Short or tall. 
All. Short or tall ! 

Flor, ' That bull-dogs feed on throttles 
That we don't like broken bottles 

On a wall. 

All. On a wall ! 

Hil, That spring-guns breathe defiance ! 

And that burglary's a science 

After all. 

All. After all ! 

RECITATIVE. FLORIAN. 
A Woman's college ! maddest folly going ! 
W T hat can girls learn within its walls worth knowing ? 
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it) 
I'll teach them twice as much in half an hour outside it. 

HILARION. 

Hush, scoffer ; ere you sound your puny thunder, 
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder ! 

They intend to send a wire 

To the moon to the moon ; 
And they'll set the Thames on fire 

Very soon very soon ; 
Then they learn to make silk purses 

With their rigs with their rigs 
From the ears of Lady Circe's 

Piggy-wigs pi ggy-wigs. 
And weazels at their slumbers 

They trepan they trepan ; 
To get sunbeams from cucumbers 

They've a plan they've a plan. 
They've a firmly rooted notion 
They can cross the Polar Ocean, 
And they'll find Perpetual Motion, 

If they can if they can. 

These are the phenomena 
That every pretty domina 

Hopes that we shall see 

At this Universitee. 

All. These are the phenomena 

That every pretty domina 
Hopes that we shall see 
At this Universitee ! 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 149 

Cyr. As for fashion, they forswear it, 

So they say so they say 
And the circle they will square it 

Some fine day some fine day 
Then the little pigs they're teaching 

For to fly for to fly ; 
And the niggers they'll be bleaching, 

By-and-by by-and-by ! 
Each newly joined aspirant 

To the clan to the clan 
Must repudiate the tyrant 

Known as Man known as Man 
They mock at him and flout him, 
For they do not care about him, 
And they're "going to do without him " 

If they can if they can ! 

These are the phenomena 
That every pretty domina 

Hopes that we shall see 

At this Universitee. 

All. These are the phenomena, etc. 

Hil. So that's the Princess Ida's castle ! Well, 
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires 
Such walls as those to keep intruders off! 

Cyr. To keep men off is only half their charge, 
And that the easier half. I much suspect 
The object of these walls is not so much 
To keep men off as keep the maidens in ! 

Flo. But what are these ? 

[Examining some collegiate robes. 

Hil. (looking at them). Why, Academic robes, 
Worn by the lady undergraduates, 

When they matriculate. Let's try them on. [They do so. 
Why, see we're covered to the very toes. 
Three lovely lady undergraduates 
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing 

Flo. And penitent for deeds there's no undoing 

Cyr. Looked at askance by well-conducted maids 

Ail. Seek sanctuary in these classic shades ! 

TRIO. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FL.ORIAN. 

Hil. I am a maiden, cold and stately, 
Heartless I, with a face divine. 
What do I want with a heart, innately ? 
Every heart I meet is mine ! 

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free, 

Little care I what maid may be. 



150 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

So that a maid is fair to see, 
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance. 

Cyr. 1 am a maiden frank and simple, 

Brimming with joyous roguery ; 
Merriment lurks in every dimple, 
Nobody breaks more hearts than I ! 

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free, 

Little care I what maid may be. 
So that a maid is fair to see, 
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance. 

Flo. I am a maiden coyly blushing, 

Timid I as a startled hind ; 
Every suitor sets me flushing : 
I am the maid that wins mankind ! 

All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free, 

Little care I what maid may be. 
So that a maid is fair to see, 
Every maid is the maid for me ! 

Enter the PRINCESS, reading. She does not see them. 

Flo. But who comes here? The Princess, as I live ! 
What shall we do ? 

EH. (aside). Why, we must brave it out ! 

{Aloud}. Madam, accept our humblest reverence. 

[They low, then suddenly recollecting themselves, 

curtsy. 
Prin. (surprised). We greet you, ladies. What would 

you with us ? 
Nil. (aside). What shall I say ? (Aloud.) We are three 

students, ma'am, 

Three well-born maids of liberal estate, 
Who wish to join this University. 

[HILARION and FLORIAN curtsy again. CYRIL bows 
extravagantly, then, being recalled to himself by 
FLORIAN, curtsys. 

Prin. If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks, 
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well. 
Flo. To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe. 
Prin. You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find 
No sham degrees for noblewomen here. 
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors, 
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw 
A line 'twixt rich and poor : you'll find no tufts 
To mark nobility, except such tufts 
As indicate nobility of brain. 
As for your fellow-students, mark me well : 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 151 

There are a hundred maids within these walls, 
All good, all learned, and all heautiful : 
They are prepared to love you : will you swear 
To give the fulness of your love to them ? 

Hil. Upon our words and honours, ma'am, we will ! 

Prin. But we go further : will you undertake 
That you will never marry any man ? 

Flo. Indeed we never will ! 

Prin. Consider well, 

You must prefer our maids to all mankind ! 

Hil. To all mankind we much prefer your maids ! 

Cyr. We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, 
Seeing how fair 

Hil. (aside to CYRIL). Take care that's rather strong ! 

Prin. But have you left no lovers at your home 
Who may pursue you here ? 

Hil. No, madam, none. 

We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, 
And we have never fished for lover's love. 
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, 
False hair, and meretricious ornament, 
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, 
But do not imitate them. What we have 
Of- hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, 
Unladylike, but not unwomanly, 
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt 
To reckon Nature an impertinence. 

Prin. Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls ; 
If all you say is true, you'll spend with us 
A happy, happy time ! 

Cyr. If, as you say, 

A hundred lovely maidens wait within, 
To welcome us with smiles and open arms, 
I think there's very little doubt we shall ! 

QUARTETTE. PRINCESS, HILARION, CYRIL, FLOKIAN. 

Prin. The world is but a broken toy, 

Its pleasure hollow false its joy, 
Unreal its loveliest hue. 
Alas! 

Its pains alone are true, 
Alas! 
Its pains alone are true. 

Hil, The world is everything you say, 

The world we think has had its day, 
Its merriment is slow, 



152 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

Alas! 
We've tried it, and we know, 

Alas! 
We've tried it and we know. 

TUTTI. 

PRINCESS. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FLORIAN. 

The world is but a broken toy, The world is but a broken toy, 
Its pleasures hollow false its joy, We freely give it up with joy, 

Unreal its loveliest hue. Unreal its loveliest hue. 

Alas ! Alas ! 

Its pains alone are true, We quite agree with you, 

Alas ! Alas ! 

Its pains alone are true ! We quite agree with you ! 

[Exit PRINCESS. The three Gentlemen ivatch her off. 

LADY PSYCHE enters, and regards them with amazement. 

Eil. I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen ! 
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now, 
And maids against our will we must remain ! 

[All laugh heartily. 

Psy. (aside). These ladies are unseemly in their mirth. 
[ Tlie Gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume 
their modest demeanour. 

Flo. (aside.) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion ! 
This is my sister ! She'll remember me, 
Though years have passed since she and I have met ! 

Hil. (aside to FLORIAN). Then make a virtue of necessity, 
And trust our secret to her gentle care. 

Flor. (to PSYCHE, who has watched CYRIL in amazement). 

Psyche. 
Why, don't you know me ? Florian ! 

Psy. (amazed). Why, Florian ! 

Flor. My sister ! (Embraces her.) 

Psy. Oh, my dear ! 

What are you doing here and who are these ? 

Eil. I am that Prince Hilarion to whom 
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim 
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian a 
And Cyril, come to see me safely through. 

Psy. The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange ! 
My earliest playfellows ! 

Eil. Why, let me look ! 

Are you that learned little Psyche who 
At school alarmed her mates because she called 
A buttercup " ranunculus bulbosus ? " 






CASTLE ADAMANT. 153 

Cyr. Are you indeed that Lady Psyche who 
At children's parties drove the conjuror wild, 
Explaining all his tricks before he did them ? 

Hil. Are you that learned little Psyche, who 
At dinner parties, brought into dessert, 
Would tackle visitors with " You don't know 
Who first determined longitude I do 
Hipparchus 'twas B.C. one sixty-three ! " 
Are you indeed that small phenomenon ? 

Psy. That small phenomenon indeed am I ! 
But, gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here : 
We have all promised to renounce mankind ! 

Flo. Kenounce mankind ? On what ground do you base 
This senseless resolution ? 

Psy. Senseless ? No. 

We are all taught, and, being taught, believe 
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart. 

Cyr. That's rather strong. 

The truth is always strong. 

SONG. LADY PSYCHE. 
The Ape and the Lady. 
A Lady fair, of lineage high, 
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by 
The Maid was radiant as the sun, 
The Ape was a most unsightly one 

So it would not do 

His scheme fell through, 
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, 

Expressed such terror 

At his monstrous error, 

That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, 
The picture of a disconcerted Ape. 

With a view to rise in the social scale, 

He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail, 

He grew moustachios, and he took his tub, 

And he paid a guinea to a toilet club- 
But it would not do, 
The scheme fell through 

For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, 
With golden tresses, 
Like a real princess's, 

While the Ape, despite his razor keen, 

Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen ! 

He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, 
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots 
And to start in life on a bran new plan, 
He christened himself Darwinian Man ! 



154 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

But it would not do, 

The scheme fell through 
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved. 

Was a radiant Being, 

With a brain far-seeing 
While a Man, however well-behaved, 
At best is only a monkey shaved ! 

During this MELISSA has entered unobserved : she looks on in 

amazement. 

Mel, (coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche ! 

Psy. (terrified). What ! you heard us then ? 

Oh, all is lost ! 

Mel. Not so ! I'll breathe no word ! 

[Advancing in astonishment to FLORIAN. 
How marvellously strange ! and are you then 
Indeed young men ? 

Flo. Well, yes, just now we are 

But hope by dint of study to become, 
In course of time, young women. 

Mel. (eagerly). No, no, no 

Oh, don't do that ! Is this indeed a man ? 
I've often heard of them, but, till to-day, 
Never set eyes on one. They told me men 
Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed ! 
They're quite as beautiful as women are ! 
As beautiful, they're infinitely more so ! 
Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which 
One gets so weary of in womankind : 
Their features are more marked and oh, their china ! 
How curious ! [Feeling his chin. 

Flo. I fear it's rather rough. 

Mel. (eagerly). Oh, don't apologize I like it so ! 

QUINTETTE. PSYCHE, MELISSA, HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAX. 

Psy. The woman of the wisest wit 

May sometimes be mistaken, ! 
In Ida's views, I must admit, 
~^ ^, My faith is somewhat shaken, ! 

Cyr. On every other point than this, 
Her learning is unshaken, O ! 
But Man's a theme with which she is 
Entirely unacquainted, O ! 
acquainted, O ! 
acquainted, ! 
Entirely unacquainted, I 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 155 

All. Then jump for joy and gaily bound, 

The truth is found the truth is found ! 

Set bells a-ringing through the air 

Ring here and there and everywhere 

And echo forth the joyous sound, 

The truth is found the truth is found ! [Dance. 

Mel. My natural instinct teaches me 

(And instinct is important, O !) 
You're everything you ought to be, 
And nothing that you oughtn't, ! 

Hit. That fact was seen at once by you 

In casual conversation, O ! 
Which is most creditable to 
Your powers of observation, O ! 
servation, O ! 
servation, O ! 
Your powers of observation, O ! 

All. Then jump for joy, etc. 

[Exeunt PSYCHE, HILAKION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN. 
MELISSA going. 

Enter LADY BLANCHE. 

Bla. Melissa ! 

Mel. (returning). Mother! 

Bla. Here a word with you. 

Those are the three new students ? 

Mel. (confused}. Yes, they are. 

They're charming girls. 

Bla. Particularly so. 

So graceful, and so very womanly ! 
So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments ! 

Mel. (confused}. Yes very skilled. 

Bla. They sing so nicely too ! 

Mel. They do sing nicely ! 

Bla. Humph ! It's very odd. 

One is a tenor, two are baritones ! 

Mel. (much agitated). They've all got colds ! 

Bla. Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind ? 

These " girls " are men disguised ! 

Mel. Oh no indeed ! 

You wrong these gentlemen I mean why see, 
Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an etui), 
Containing scissors, needles, and 

Bla. (opening it.) Cigars ! 

Why these are men ! And you knew this, you minx. 



156 PRINCESS IDA : OR, 

Mel. Oh, spare them they are gentlemen indeed. 
The Prince Hilarion (married years ago 
To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends ! 
Consider, mother, he's her husband now, 
And has been, twenty years ! Consider too, 
You're only second here you should be first. 
Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains 
The Princess Ida, why, you will be first. 
You will design the fashions think of that 
And always serve out all the punishments ! 
The scheme is harmless, mother wink at it ! 

Bla. (aside). The prospect's tempting ! Well, well, 

well, I'll try- 
Though I've not winked at anything for years ! 
'Tis but one step towards my destiny 
The mighty Must ! the inevitable Shall ! 

DUET. MELISSA and LADY BLANCHE. 
Mel. Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast, 

And guide this University ? 
Bla. I must agree 

'Twould pleasant be. 

(Sing hey a Proper Pride !) 

Mel. And wouldn't you like to clear the coast 

Of malice and perversity ? 
Bla. Without a doubt 

I'll bundle 'em out, 

Sing hey, when I preside ! 

Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some ! 

Marry come up, and < ^ > day will come ! 

Sing Proper Pride 
Is the horse to ride, 
And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O ! 

Bla. For years I've writhed beneath her sneers, 

Although a born Plantagenet ! 
Mel. You're much too meek, 

Or you would speak. 

(Sing hey, I'll say no more !) 

Bla. Her elder I, by several years, 

Although you'd never imagine it. 
Mel. Sing, so I've heard 

But never a word 
Have I ever believed before ! 

Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some ! 
Marry come up, -| j 1 ^ > day will come ! 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 157 

Sing, she shall learn 
That a worm will turn. 
Sing, Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, 0.! 

[Exit LADY BLANCHE. 
Mel. Saved for a time, at least ! 

Enter FLORIAN, on tiptoe. 

Flo. (whispering). Melissa come! 

Mel. Oh, sir ! you must away from this at once 
My mother guessed your sex ! It was my fault 
I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed, 
" Can these be men ? " Then, seeing this, " Why 

these " 

" Are men," she would have added, but " are men " 
Stuck in her throat ! She keeps your secret, sir, 
For reasons of her own but, fly from this 
And take me with you that is no not that ! 

Flo. I'll go, but not without you ! (Bell} Why, what's 
that? 

Mel. The luncheon bell. 

Flo. I'll wait for luncheon then ! 

Enter HILARION with PRINCESS, CYRIL with PSYCHE, LADY 
BLANCHE and Ladies. Also " Daughters of the Plough " 
bearing luncheon, which they spread on the rocks. 

CHORUS. 

Merrily ring the luncheon bell ! 
Here in meadow of asphodel, 
Feast we body and mind as well, 
So merrily ring the luncheon bell ! 

SOLO. BLANCHE. 
Hunger, I beg to state, 
Is highly indelicate, 
This is a fact profoundly true 
So learn your appetites to subdue. 
All. Yes, yes, 

"We'll learn our appetites to subdue ! 

SOLO. CYRIL, (eating). 

Madam, your words so wise, 
Nobody should despise, 
Cursed with an appetite keen I am 
And I'll subdue it 
And I'll subdue it 
And I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb ! 



158 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

All. Yes, yes 

We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb ! 
Chorus. Merrily ring, etc. 

Prin. You say you know the court of Hildebrand ? 
There is a Prince there I forget his name 

Nil Hilarion? 

Prin. Exactly is he well ? 

Hil. If it be well to droop and pine and mope, 
To sigh " Oh, Ida ! Ida ! " all day long, 
" Ida ! my love ! my life ! Oh come to me ! " 
If it be well, I say, to do all this, 
Then Prince Hilarion is very well. 

Prin. He breathes our name? Well, it's a common 

one ! 
And is the booby comely ? 

Hil. Pretty well. 

I've heard it said that if I dressed myself 
In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this 
Consisted with my maiden modesty), 
I might be taken for Hilarion's self. 
But what is this to you or me, who think 
Of all mankind with undisguised contempt? 

Prin. Contempt ? Why, damsel, when I think of man, 
Contempt is not the word. 

Cyr. (getting tipsy). I'm sure of that, 

Or if it is, it surely should not be ! 

Eil. (aside to CYRIL). Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find 
us out. 

Cyr* The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad ! 

Prin. You know him then ? 

Cyr. (tipsily). I rather think I do ! 

We are inseparables ! 

Prin. Why, what's this ? 

You love him, then ? 

Cyr. We do indeed all three ! 

Hil Madam, she jests ! (Aside to CYRIL.) Remember 
where you are ! 

Cyr. Jests ? Not at all ! Why, bless my heart alive, 
You and Hilarion, when at the Court, 
Rode the same horse ! 

Prin. (horrified). Astride ? 

Cyr. Of course ! Why not ? 

Wore the same clothes and once or twice, I think, 
Got tipsy in the same good company ! 

Prin. Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word I 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 159 

Cyr. (tipsy). Don't you remember that old kissing-song 
He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage, 
The hostess of the Pigeons ? Thus it ran : 

SONG. CYRIL. 

[During symphony HILARION and FLOUIAN try to stop 
CYRIL. He shakes them off angrily. 

Would you know the kind of maid 

Sets my heart a flame-a ? 
Eyes must be downcast and staid, 
Cheeks must flush for shame-a ! 

She may neither dance nor sing, 

But, demure in everj^thing, 

Hang her head in modest way, 

With pouting lips that seem to say 
" Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, 

Though I die of shame-a," 
Please you, that's the kind of maid 

Sets my heart a flame-a ! 

When a maid is bold and gay 
With a tongue goes clang-a, 
Flaunting it in brave array, 
Maiden may go hang-a ! 

Sunflower gay and hollyhock 

Never shall my garden stock ; 

Mine the blushing rose of May, . 

With pouting lips that seem to say, 
"Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, 

Though I die for shame-a ! " 
Please you that's the kind of maid 

Sets my heart a flame-a ! 

Prin. Infamous creature, get you hence away ! 

[HILARION, who has been with difficulty restrained 
by FLOEIAN during this song, breaks from him 
and strikes CYRIL furiously on the breast. 
Nil. Dog ! there is something more to sing about ! 
Cyr. (sobered). Hilarion, are you mad ? 
Prin. (horrified). Hilarion? Help! 

Why these are men ! Lost ! lost ! betrayed ! undone 1 

[Running on to bridge. 
Girls, get you hence ! Man-monsters, if you dare 

Approach one step, I Ah ! 

[.Loses her balance, and falls into the stream. 
Psy. Oh ! save her, sir ! 

Bla. It's useless, sir you'll only catch your death ! 

[HILARION springs in. 
Sach. He catches her ! 
Mel. And now he lets her go! 



160 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

Again she's in his grasp 

Psy. And now she's not. 

He seizes her back hair ! 

Bla. (not looking'). And it comes off ! 

Psy. No, no ! She's saved ! she's saved ! she's saved ! 
she's saved ! 

[HILARION is seen swimming with PRINCESS in one 
arm. The PRINCESS and he are brought to land. 

FINALE. 

CHORUS OF LADIES. 
Oh ! joy, our chief is saved, 
And by Hilarion's hand ; 
The torrent fierce he braved, 
And brought her safe to land ! 

For his intrusion we must own 
This doughty deed may well atone ; 

lrin. Stand forth ye three, 

Whoe'er ye be, 
And hearken to our stern decree ; 

Hil., Cyr., and Ho. Have mercy, lady disregard your oaths ! 

Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes ! 
The man whose sacrilegious eyes 
Invade our strict seclusion, dies. 
"Arrest these coarse intruding spies ! 

[They are arrested l>y the " Daughters of the Plough." 

Flo., Cyr., and Ladies. Have mercy lady disregard your oaths ! 
Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes. 

[CYRIL and FLORIAN are bound. 

SONG. HILARION. 
Whom thou hast chained must wear his chain, 

Thou canst not set him free, 
He wrestles with his bonds in vain 

Who lives by loving thee ! 
If heart of stone for heart of fire, 

Be all thou hast to give, 
If dead to me my heart's desire, 

Why should I wish to live ? 

No word of thine no stern command 

Can teach my heart to rove, 
Then rather perish by thy hand, 

Than live without thy love ! 
A loveless life apart from thee 

Were hopeless slaver}-, 
If kindly death will set me free, 

Why should I fear to die ? 

[_He is bound by two of the attendants, and the three 
Gentlemen are marched off. 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 161 



Enter MELISSA. 

Mel. Madam, without the castle walls 

An armed band 

Demand admittance to our halls 
For Hildebrand ! 

All. Oh, horror ! 

Prin. Deny them ; 

We will defy them ! 

All. Too late too late ! 

The castle gate 
Is battered by them ! 

[The gate yields. HILDEBRAND and Soldiers rush in. 
ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are with them, but 
with their hands handcuffed. 

All (Soldiers and Ladles). Too late too late, 

The castle gate 
Is battered by them ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

GIULS. MEX. 

Rend the air with wailing, Walls and fences scaling, 

Shed the shameful tear ! Promptly we appear ; 

Walls are unavailing, Walls are unavailing, 

Man has entered here ! We have entered here. 

Shame and desecration Female execration 

Are his staunch allies, Stifle if you're wise, 

Let your lamentation Stop your lamentation, 

Echo to the skies ! Dry your pretty eyes ! 

RECITATIVE. 

Piin. Audacious tyrant, do you dare 

To beard a maiden in her lair ? 

King. Since you inquire, 

We've no desire 
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere ! 

Sol. No, no we've no desire 

To beard a maiden here, or anywhere ! 

SOLO. HlLDEDUAND. 

Some years ago, 

No doubt you know 
(And if you don't I'll tell you so), 

You gave your troth 

Upon your oath 
To Ililarion my son. 

A vow you make 

You must not break, 

(If you think you may, it's a great mistake,) 
nr. M 



1 62 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

For a bride's a bride 

Though the knot were tied 
At the early age of one ! 

And I'm a peppery kind of King, 

Who's indisposed for parleying 

To fit the wit of a bit of a chit, 

And that's the long and the short of it ! 

All. For he's a peppery kind of King, etc. 

If you decide 
To pocket your pride, 
And let Hilarion claim his bride, 
Why, well and good, 
It's understood 
We'll let bygones go by- 
But if you choose 
To sulk in the blues, 

I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes. 
I'll storm your walls, 
And level your halls, 

In the twinkling of an eye ! 

For I'm a peppery Potentate, 

Who's little inclined his claim to bate. 

To fit the wit of a bit of a chit, 

And that's the long and the short of it. 

TRIO. AKAC, GURON, AND SCYNTHIUS. 

We may remark, though nothing can 

Dismay us, 
That, if you thwart this gentleman, 

He'll slay us. 
We don't fear death, of course we're taught 

To shame it ; 
But still upon the whole we thought 

We'd name it, 
(2o each other}. Yes, yes, better perhaps to name it. 

Our interests we would not press 

With chatter, 
Three hulking brothers more or less 

Don't matter ; 
If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan, 

Pooh-pooh it, 
But when he says he'll hang a man, 

He'll do it. 
(To each other). Yes, yes, devil doubt he'll do it. 

Priii. (Recit.). Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind. 
His menaces are idle as the wind. 
He dares not kill you vengeance lurks behind ! 

Ar., Our,, Scyn. We rather think he dares, but never mind ; 

No, no, never, never mind 

King. Enough of parley as a special boon 
Vie give you till to-morrow afternoon ! 









CASTLE ADAMANT. 163 

Kelease Hilarion, then, and be his bride, 
Or you'll incur the guilt of fraticide ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

PRINCESS. THE OTHERS. 

To yield at once to such a foe Oh ! yield at once, 'twere better so 

With shame were rife ; Than risk a strife ! 

So quick ; away with him, al- And let the Prince Hilarion go^ 
though He saved thy life ! 

He saved my life ! Hilarion's fair, and strong, and 
That he is fair, and strong, and tall 

tall, A worse misfortune might befal 

Is very evident to all, It's not so dreadful, after all, 
Yet I will die before I call To be his wife ! 

Myself his wife ! 

SOLO. PRINCESS. 

Though I am but a girl, 
Defiance thus I hurl, 

Our banners all 

On outer wall 
We fearlessly unfurl. 

All. Though she is but a girl, etc. 

PRINCESS. THE OTHERS. 

That he is fair, etc. Hilarion's fair, etc. 

PRINCESS stands, surrounded by the Girls kneeling. 
The KING and Soldiers stand on built rocks at lack 
and sides of stage. Picture. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant. 
MELISSA, SACHARISSA, and Ladies discovered, armed with 
battle-axes. 

CHORUS. 

Death to the invader ! 

Strike a deadly blow, 
As an old Crusader 

Struck his Paynim foe ! 
Let our martial thunder 
Fill his soul with wonder, 
Tear his ranks asunder, 
Lay the tyrant low ! 



164 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

SOLO. MELISSA. 
Thus our courage, .all untarnished 

We're instructed to display : 
But, to tell the truth unvarnished, 

We are more inclined to say, 
" Please you, do not hurt us." 

All. " Do not hurt us, if it please 3*011 ! " 

Mel. '* Please you let us be." 

All. "Let us be let us be ! " 

Mel. " Soldiers disconcert us." 

All. " Disconcert us, if it please you ! " 

Mel. " Frightened maids are we." 

All. " Maids are we maids are we ! " 

MELISSA. 

But 'twould be an error 
To confess our terror, 
So, in Ida's name, 
Boldly we exclaim : 

CHORUS. 

Death to the invader 

Strike a deadly blow, 
As an old Crusader 

Struck his Paynim foe 
Let our martial thunder 
Fill his soul with wonder, 
Tear his ranks asunder, 
Lay the tyrant low ! 

flourish. Enter PRINCESS, armed, attended by BLANCHE and 

PSYCHE. 

Prin. I like your spirit, girls ! We have to meet 
Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day : 
Wear naught but what is necessary to 
Preserve your dignity before their eyes, 
And give your limbs full play. 

Ula. One moment, ma'am. 

Here is a paradox we should not pass 
Without inquiry. We are prone to say 
" This thing is Needful that, Superfluous " 
Yet they invariably co-exist ! 
We find the Needful comprehended in 
The circle of the grand Superfluous, 
Yet the Superfluous cannot be bought 
Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful. 
These singular considerations are 

Prin. Superfluous, yet not Needful so you see 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 165 

The terms may independently exist. 

( To Ladies.) Women of Adamant, we have to show 

That Woman, educated to the task, 

Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground, 

And beat him there. Now let us set to work ; 

Where is our lady surgeon ? 

Sac. Madam, here! 

Prin. We shall require your skill to heal the wounds 
Of those that fall. 

Sac. (alarmed). What, heal the wounded ? 

Prin. Yes ! 

Sac. And cut off real live legs and arms ? 

Prin. Of course ! 

Sac. I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds ! 

Prin. Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl? 
You've often cut them off in theory ! 

Sac. In theory I'll cut them off again, 
With pleasure, and as often as you like, 
But not in practice. 

Prin. Coward ! get you hence, 

I've craft enough for that, and courage too ; 
I'll do your work. My fusiliers, advance ! 
Why, you are armed with axes ! Gilded toys ! 
Where are your rifles, pray ? 

Chloe. Why, please you, ma'am, 

We left them in the armoury, for fear 
That in the heat and turmoil of the fight 
They might go off ! 

Prin. " " They might ! " Oh, craven souls ! 

Go off yourselves ! Thank Heaven, I have a heart 
That quails not at the thought of meeting men ; 
/will discharge your rifles! Off with you ! 
Where's my bandmistress ? 

Ada. Please you, ma'am, the band 

Do not feel well, and can't come out to-day ! 

Prin. Why, this is flat rebellion ! I've no time 
To talk to them just now. But, happily, 
I can play several instruments at once, 
And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall 
With trumpet music, such as soldiers love ! 
How stand we with respect to gunpowder ? 
My Lady Psyche you who superintend 
Our lab'ratory are you well prepared 
To blow these bearded rascals into shreds ? 
Psy. Why, madam 



1 66 PRINCESS IDA; OR, 

Prin. Well ? 

Psy. Let us try gentler means. 

We can dispense with fulminating grains 
While we have eyes with which to flash our rage ! 
We can dispense with villainous saltpetre 
While we have tongues with which to blow them up ! 
We can dispense, in short, with all the arts 
That brutalize the practical polemist ! 

Prin. (contemptuously*). I never knew a more dispensing 

chemist ! 

Away, away I'll meet these men alone, 
Since all my women have deserted me ! 

[Exeunt all but PRINCESS, singing refrain of " Death 
to the Invader," pianissimo. 

Pri. So fail my cherished plans so fails my faith 
And with it hope, and all that comes of hope ! 

SOXG. PRINCESS. 

I built upon a rock ; 

But ere Destruction's hand 

Dealt equal lot 

To Court and cot, 
My rock had turned to sand ! 

Ah, faithless rock, 

My simple faith to mock ! 

I leant upon an oak ; 
But in the hour of need, 

Alack-a-day, 

My trusted stay 
Was but a bruised reed ! 

Ah, trait'rous oak, 

Thy worthlessness to cloak ! 

I drew a sword of steel ; 

But when to home and hearth 
The battle's breath 
Bore fire and death, 
My sword was but a lath ! 
Ah, coward steel, 

That fear can unanneal ! 

[She sinks on a bank 

Enter CHLOE and all tJ/e Ladies. 

Chloc. Madam, your father and your brothers claim 
An audience ! 

Prin. What do they do here ? 

Chloe. They come 

To fight for you ! 






CASTLE ADAMANT. 167 

Priii. Admit them ! 

Bla. Infamous ! 

One's brothers, ma'am, are men ! 

Prin. So I have heard ; 

But all my women seem to fail me when 
I need them most. In this emergency, 
Even one's brothers may be turned to use. 

Enter GAMA, quite pale and unnerved. 

Gama. My daughter ! 

Prin. Father ! thou art free ! 

Gama. Ay, free ! 

Free as a tethered ass ! I come to thee 
With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given, 
1 must return to black captivity. 
I'm free so far. 

Prin. Your message. 

Gama. Hildebrand 

Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons, 
My three brave sons, against these popinjays, 
These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads, 
And on the issue let thy hand depend ! 

Prin. Insult on insult's head ! Are we a stake 
For fighting men ? What fiend possesses thee, 
That thou hast come with offers such as these 
From such as he to such an one as I ? 

Gama. I am possessed 
By the pale devil of a shaking heart ! 
My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face 
That devilish monarch's black malignity ! 
He tortures me with torments worse than death, 
I haven't anything to grumble at ! 
He finds out what particular meats I love, 
And gives me them. The very choicest wines, 
The costliest robes the richest rooms are mine : 
He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan. 
And gives strict orders none should contradict me ! 
He's made iny life a curse ! [Jl'ee^s. 

Prin. My tortured father ! 

SONG. GAMA. 

Whene'er I spoke 
Sarcastic joke 
Replete with malice spiteful, 



1 68 PRINCESS IDA; 

This people mild 
Politely smiled, 
And voted me delightful ! 
Now when a wight 
Sits up all night 
Ill-natured jokes devising, 
And all his wiles 
Are met with smiles, 
It's hard, there's no disguising ! 
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long 
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, 
And isn't your life extremely flat 
With nothing whatever to grumble at ! 
When German bands 
From music stands 
Played Wagner imper/ecfty 
" I bade them go 
They didn't say no, 
But off they went directly ! 
The organ boys 
They stopped their noise 
With readiness surprising, 
And grinning herds 
Of hurdy-gurds 
Retired apologizing ! 
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long, etc. 

I offered gold 

In sums untold 
To all who'd contradict me 

I said I'd pay 

A pound a day 
To any one who kicked me 

I "bribed with toys 

Great viilgar boys 
To utter something spiteful, 

But, bless you, no ! 

They would be so 
Confoundedly politeful ! 

In short, these aggravating lads 
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads, 
They give me "this and they give me that, 
And I've nothing whatever to grumble at ! 
[He bursts into tears, and falls sobbing on a lank. 
Prin. My poor old father ! How he must have suffered ! 
Well, well, I yield ! 

Gama. (hysterically). She yields ! I'm saved, I'm saved ! 
Prin. Open the gates admit these warriors, 
Then get you all within the castle walls. 

[The gates are opened, and the Girls mount _ the 
battlements as HILDEBRAND enters with Soldiers. 
Aho ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS. 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 169 



CHORUS OF SOLDIERS. 

When anger spreads his wing, 

And all seems dark as night for it, 

There's nothing but to light for it, 
But ere you pitch your ring, 

Select a pretty site for it, 

(This spot is suited quite for it), 
And then you gaily sing, 

" Oh, I love the jolly rattle 
Of an ordeal by battle, 
There's an end of tittle-tattle, 

When your enemy is dead. 
It's an arrant molley coddle, 
Fears a crack upon the noddle, 
And he's only fit to swaddle, 

In a downy feather-bed ! 

All. For a fight's a kind of thing 

That I love to look upon, 
So let us sing. 
Long live the King, 
And his son Hilarion ! 

{During this, HILARION, FLORIAN, and CYRIL are 
brought out by the " Daughters of the Plough." 
They are still bound and wear the robes. 

Gama. Hilarion ! Cyril ! Florian ! dressed as women ! 
Is this indeed Hilarion ? 

Hil. Yes, it is ! 

G-ama. Why, you look handsome in your women's 

clothes ! 

Stick to 'em ! men's attire becomes you not ! 
( To CYRIL and FLORIAN.) And you, young ladies, will you 

please to pray 

King Hildebrand to set me free again ? 
Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes, 
Pie never could resist a pretty face ! 

Hil. You dog, you'll rind though I wear woman's garb, 
My sword is long and sharp ! 

Gama. Hush, pretty one ! 

Here's a virago ! Here's a termagant ! 
If length and sharpness go for anything, 
You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue ! 

Cyril. What need to waste your words on such as he V 
He's old and crippled. 

Gama. Ay, but I've three sons, 

Fine fellows, young, and muscular, and brave, 



1 70 PRINCESS IDA; 

They're well worth talking to ! Come, what d'ye say ? 

Arac. Ay, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us, 
If three rude warriors affright you not ! 

Hil. Old as you are I'd wring your shrivelled neck 
If you were not the Princess Ida's father. 

Gama. If I were not the Princess Ida's father, 
And so had not her brothers for my sons, 
No doubt you'd wring my neck in safety too ! 
Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin ! 
Give them no quarter they will give you none. 
You've this advantage over warriors 
Who kill their country's enemies for pay 
You know what you are fighting for look there ! 

[Pointing to Ladies on the battlements. 

SONG. ARAC. 

This helmet, I suppose, 

Was meant to ward off blows. 

It's very hot, 

And weighs a lot, 
As many a guardsman knows, 
So-off that helmet goes. 

Tlic Three Knights. Yes, yes, 

So off that helmet goes ! 

[Giving their helmets to attendants. 

Arac. This tight-fitting cuirass 

Is but a useless mass, 

It's made of steel, 

And weighs a deal. 
A man is but an ass 
Who fights in a cuirass, 
So off goes that cuirass. 

All Three. Yes, yes, 

So off goes that cuirass ! [Removing cuirasses. 

Arac. These brassets, truth to tell, 

May look uncommon well, 

But in a fight 

They're much to tight, 
They're like a lobster shell ! 

All Three. Yes, yes, 

They're like a lobster shell. 

[Removing their brassets. 

Arac. These things I treat the same, [Indicating leg pieces. 

(I quite forget their name) 
They turn one's legs 
To cribbage pegs 



CASTLE ADAMANT. \1\ 

Their aid I thus disclaim, 
Though I forgot their name. 

All Three. Yes, yes, 

Though we forget their name, 
Their aid we thus disclaim ! 

[They remove their leg pieces and wear close fitting 

shape suits. 
[Desperate fight between the three Princes and the 

three Knights during which the Ladies on the 

battlements and the Soldiers on the stage sing 

the following chorus 

This is our duty plain towards 

Our Princess all immaculate 
We ought to bless her brothers' swords 
And piously ejaculate : 

Oh, Hungary ! 

Oh, Hungary ! 
Oh, doughty sons of Hungary ! 

May all success 

Attend and bless 
Your warlike ironmongery ! 

[By this time, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS arc 
on the ground, wounded HILARION, CYRIL 
and FLORIAN stand over them. 
Prin. (entering through gate and followed l>y Ladies.} 

Hold ! stay your hands ! we yield ourselves to you ! 
Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there ! 
Bind up their wounds but look the other way. 
(Coming down.} Is this the end? (Bitterly to LADY 

BLANCHE.) How say you, Lady Blanche- 
Can I with dignity my post resign ? 
And if I do, will you then take my place ? 

Bla. To answer this, it's meet that we consult 
The great Potential Mysteries ; I mean 
The five Subjunctive Possibilities 
The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should. 
Can you resign? The prince May claim you; if 
He Might, you Could and if you Should, I Would! 

Prin. I thought as much ! Then, to my Fate I yield-- 
So ends my cherished scheme ! Oh, I had hoped 
To band all women with my maiden throng, 
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man ! 
Hild. A noble aim ! 

Prin. You ridicule it now ; 

But if I carried out this glorious scheme, 



172 PRINCESS IDA ; OR, 

At my exalted name Posterity 
Would bow in gratitude ! 

Hild. But pray reflect 

If you enlist all women in your cause, 
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man, 
The obvious question then arises, " How 
Is this Posterity to be provided? " 

Prin. I never thought of that ! My Lady Blanche, 
How do you solve the riddle? 

Bla. Don't ask me 

Abstract Philosophy won't answer it. 
Take him he is your Shall. Give in to Fate ! 

Prin. And you desert me. I alone am staunch ! 

Hild. Madam, you placed your trust in Woman well, 
Woman has failed you utterly try Man, 
Give him one chance, it's only fair besides, 
Women are far too precious, too divine 
To try unproven theories upon. 
Experiments, the proverb says, are made 
On humble subjects try our grosser clay, 
And mould it as you will ! 

Cyr. Remember, too, 

Dear Madam, if at any time you feel, 
A-weary of the Prince, you can return 
To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls 
As heretofore, you know. 

Prin. And shall I find 

The Lady Psyche here ? 

Psy. If Cyril, ma'am, 

Does not behave himself, I think you will. 

Prin. And you, Melissa, shall I find you here? 

Mel. Madam, however Florian turns out, 
Unhesitatingly I answer, No ! 

Gama. Consider this, my love, if your mamma 
Had looked on matters from your point of view 
(I wish she had), why where would you have been ? 

Bla. There's an unbounded field of speculation, 
On which I could discourse for hours ! 

Prin. No doubt ! 

We will not trouble you. Hilarion, 
I have been wrong I see my error now. 
Take me, Hilarion " We will walk the world 
Yoked in all exercise of noble end ! 
And so through those dark gates across the wild 
That no man knows ! Indeed, I love thee Come ! " 



CASTLE ADAMANT. 173 



FINALE. 

Princess. With joy abiding, 

Together gliding 

Through life's variety 
In sweet society, 
And thus enthroning 
The love I'm owning, 
On this atoning 
I will rely ! 

Chorus. It were profanity 

For poor humanity 
To treat as vanity 

The sway of Love, 
In no locality 
Or principality 
Is our mortality 

Its sway above ! 

Ililarion. When day is fading, 

With serenading 

And such frivolity 
Of tender quality 
With scented showers 
Of fairest flowers, 
The happy hours 
Will gaily fly ! 

Chor. It were profanity, etc. 

CURTAIN. 



THE MIKADO; 

OK, 

THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 

VLV ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL JAPANESE 

OPERA, 

IN TWO ACTS. 

Produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, on Saturday, March 
1885, under the management of MR. R, D'OVLY CARTE. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

THE MIKADO OF JAPAN ...... MR. R. TEMPLE. 

NANKi-Poo, his Son, disguised as a 

wandering minstrel, and in love ivith 

YUM- YUM ............ MR. DURWARD LELY. 

Ko-Ko, Lord High Executioner of 

Titipu ............... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH. 

Pooir-BAir, Lord High E eery thing 

Else ............... MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON. 

Pisii-Tusir, a Noble Lord ...... MR. FREDERICK BOVILL. 

YuM-YuM ") , i" Miss LEONORA BRAIIAM. 

Three Sisters II ards of 
PiTTi-SiNG > < Miss JESSIE BOND. 

PEEP-BO ) ( Miss SYBIL GREY. 

KATISHA, an elderly Lady, in lore with 

............ Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM. 



Chorus of School Girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies. 

ACT I. 
COURTYARD OF KO-KO'S OFFICIAL RESIDENCE. 

ACT II. 
KO-KO'S GARDEN. 



THE MIKADO; 

OR, 

THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 

ACT I. 

SCENE. Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese 
Nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested 
by native drawings. 

CHORUS. 

If you want to know who we are, 
We are gentlemen of Japan : 
On many a vase and jar 

On man} r a screen and fan, 
We figure in lively paint : 
Our attitudes queer and quaint 
You're wrong if you think it ain't. 

If you think we are worked by strings, 

Like a Japanese marionette, 
You don't understand these things : 
It is simply Court etiquette. 

i j erhaps you suppose this throng 
Can't keep it up all day long ? 
If that's your idea, you're Av 



Enter NANKI-POO in great excitement. He carries a native 
guitar on his back, and a bundle of ballads in his hand. 

RECITATIVE. XANKI-POO. 

Gentlemen, I pray you tell me, 
Where a lovely maiden dwelleth, 
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko ? 
In pitv pcak oh, speak, I pray you ! 
III. N 



178 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

A NMc. Why, who are you who ask this question ? 

Nank. Come, gather round me, and I'll tell you. 

SONG. NANKI-POO. 

A wandering minstrel I 

A thing of shreds and patches, 
Of ballads, songs, and snatches, 

A dreamy lullaby ! 

My catalogue is long, 

Through every passion ranging, 
And to your humours changing 

I tune my supple song ! 

Are you in sentimental mood? 
I'll sigh with you, 

Oh, willow, willow ! 
On maiden's coldness do you brood? 
I'll do so too 

Oh, willow, willow ! 
I'll charin your willing ears 
With songs of lover's fears, 
While sympathetic tears 
My cheeks bedew 

Oh, willow, willow ! 

But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, 

I've patriotic ballads cut and dried ; 
For Avhere'er our country's banner may be planted, 

All other local banners are defied ! 
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled, 

Never quail or they conceal it if they do 
And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled 

Before the mighty troops of Titipu ! 

And if you call for a song of the sea, 

We'll heave the capstan round, 
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free, 
Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee, 
Hurrah for the homeward bound ! 

Yeo-ho heave ho 
Hurrah for the homeward bound ! 

To lay aloft in a howling breeze 

May tickle a landsman's taste, 
But the happiest hours a sailor sees 
Is when he's down 
At an inland town, 

With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho ! 
And his arm around her waist ! 

Then man the capstan off we go, 

As the fiddler swings us round, 
With a yeo heave ho, 
And a rumbelow. 

Hurrah for the homeward bound ! 
A wandering minstrel I, etc. 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 179 

Enter PiSH-Tusn. 

Pish. And what may be your business with Yum- Yum? 

Nank. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the 
Titipu town baud. It was my duty to take the cap round for 
contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw 
Yum- Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was be- 
trothed to her guardian, Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that 
my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted 
the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, 
that Ko-Ko had been condemned to death for flirting ! I 
hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at 
liberty to listen to my protestations. 

Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death fur 
flirting ; but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to 
the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following 
remarkable circumstances : 

SONG. PisH-Tusir. 

Our great Mikado, virtuous man, 

When he to rule our land began, 

Resolved to try 

A plan whereby 

Young men might best be steadied. 
So he decreed, in words succinct, 
That all who flirted, leered, or winked 
(Unless connubially linked), 

Should forthwith be beheaded. 
And I expect you'll all agree 
That he was right to so decree. 
And I am right, 
And you are right, 
And all is right as right can be ! 

Chorus. And I expect, etc. 

This stern decree, you'll understand, 
Caused great dismay throughout the land ; 
For young and old 
And shy and bold 
Were equally affected. 
The youth who winked a roving eye, 
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh, 
Was thereupon condemned to die- 
He usually objected. 

And you'll allow, as I expect, 
That he was right to so object. 

And I am right, 

And you are right, 
And everything is quite correct ! 

Chorus. And you'll allow, as I expect, etc. 



i8o THE MIKADO ; OA\ 

And so we straight let out on bail 
A convict from the county jail. 
Whose head was next, 
On some pretext, 
Condemned to be mown off, 
And made him Headsman, for we said, 
" Who's next to be decapited 
Cannot cut off another's head 
Until he's cut his own off." 

And AVC are right, I think you'll say, 
To argue in this kind of way. 

And I am right, 

And you are right, 
And all is right too-looral-lay ! 

Chorus. And they were right, etc. [Exeunt CHORUS. 

Enter POOH-BAH. 

Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of 
Titipu ! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain ! 

Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference 
between the dignified judge, who condemns a criminal to die, 
and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has 
rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own 
executioner. 

Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are a noble- 
man of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, 
a mere strolling minstrel ! 

Pooh. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly 
haughty and exclusive person, of pre- Adamite ancestral descent. 
You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my 
ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. 
Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 
can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to over- 
come this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all 
the great officers of State resigned in a bod} 7 ", because they were 
too proud to. serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly 
accept all their posts at once ? 

Pish. And the salaries attached to them ? You .did. 

Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this 
upstart as First Lord of the Treastiry, Lord Chief Justice, 
Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buck- 
hounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and 
Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at 
a salary ! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services ! I a salaried 
minion ! But I do it ! It revolts mo, but I do it. 

Nank, And it does you credit. 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 181 

Pooh. But I don't stop at that. I go and diue with middle- 
class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban 
parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, 
however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. 
For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would 
come under the head of a State secret. (NANKi-Poo takes the 
hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.') Another insult, and, I 
think, a light one ! 

SONG. POOH-BAH. 
Young man, despair, 
Likewise go to, 
Yum-Yum the fair 

You must not woo. 
It will not do : 
I'm sorry for you, 
You very imperfect ablutioner ! 
This very day 

From school Yum-Yum 
Will wend her way, 

And homeward come 
With beat of drum, 
And a rum-tum-tum, 
To wed the Lord High Executioner ! 
And the brass will crash, 
And the trumpets bray, 
And they'll cut a dash 

On their wedding-day. 
From what I say, you may infer 
It's as good as a play for him and her, 
She'll toddle away, as all aver, 
With the Lord High Executioner ! 

It's a hopeless case 

As you may see, 
And in your place 

Away I'd flee ; 

But don't blame me 

I'm sorry to be 

Of your pleasure a diminutioner. 
They'll vow their pact 

Extremely soon, 
In point of fact 

This afternoon 

Her honeymoon, 

With that buffoon, 

At seven, commences, so you shun her ! 
All. The brass will crash, etc. 

RECITATIVE. 

And have I journeyed for a mouth, or nearly, 
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom 1 love so dearly, 
This dav to Ko-Ko.is to be united ! 



1 82 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Pooh. The fact appears to be as you've recited : 

But here he comes, equipped as suits his station ; 
He'll give you any further information. 

Enter Ko-Ko, attended. 

CHORUS. 
Behold the Lord High Executioner ! 

A personage of noble rank and title 
A dignified and potent officer, 

"Whose functions are particularly vital. 

Defer, defer, 
To the noble Lord High Executioner ! 

SOLO. Ko-Ko. 
Taken from the county jail 

By a set of curious chances ; 
Liberated then on bail, 

On my own recognizances ; 
Wafted by a favouring gale 

As one sometimes is in trances, 
To a height that few can scale, 

Save by long and weary dances ; 
Surely, never had a male 

Under such like circumstances 
So adventurous a tale, 

Which may rank with most romances. 

CHORUS. 
Behold the Lord High Executioner, etc. 

Ko. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can 
only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a con- 
tinuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to 
deserve. Gentlemen, I expect my three beautiful wards, Yum- 
Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing, in a few minutes. If you will 
kindly receive them with a show of abject deference, I shall feel 
obliged to you. I know how painful it must be to noblemen 
of your rank to have to humiliate yourselves before a person of 
my antecedents, but discipline must be observed. (Chorus bow 
and exeunt.) Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connec- 
tion with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should 
like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the 
amount I ought to spend upon them. 

Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First 
Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General, 
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary? 

Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary. 

Pooh. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say 
that, as the city w T ill have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, 
do it well. 



THE TOWN OF T2T1PU. 183 

Ko. Exactly as the city will have to pay for it. That is 
your advice. 

Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand 
that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that 
due economy is observed. 

Ko. Oh. But you said just now " Don't stint yourself, do 
it well." 

Pooh. As Private Secretary. 

Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed. 

Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer. 

Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear 
us. {They cross stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you 
advise me to deal with this difficulty ? 

Pooh. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in 
saying, " Chance it " 

Ko. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will. 

Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound 
to see that the law isn't violated. 

Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't 
hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of 
the Treasury ? 

Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could pro- 
pose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not 
that, as leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist 
it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook 
the accounts, that as Lord High Auditor I should never discover 
the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my 
duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own 
custody as First Commissioner of Police. 
Ko. That's extremely awkward. 

Pooh. I don't say that all these people couldn't be squared ; 
but it is right to tell you that I shouldn't be sufficiently degraded 
in my own estimation unless I was insulted with a very con- 
siderable bribe. 

Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But 
my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment 
on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese 
attitude, would be esteemed a favour. 

Enter procession of YUM-YUM'S schoolfellows, heralding 
YUM- YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING. 

CHORUS. 
Comes a train of little ladies 

From scholastic trammels free, 
Each a little bit afraid is, 

Wondering what the world can be ! 



1 84 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Is it but a world of trouble 

Sadness set to song? 
Is its beauty but a bubble 
Bound to break ere long ? 

Are its palaces and pleasures 

Fantasies that fade ? 
And the glory of its treasures 

Shadow of a shade? 

Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, 

From scholastic trammels free, 
And we wonder how we wonder ! 

What on earth the world can be ! 

TP.IO. YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AXD Pixn-SiXG. 

The Three. Three little maids from .school are we, 
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be, 
Filled to the brim with girlish glee, 
Three little maids from school ! 

Yu/tt-Yum. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle). 

Peep-Bo. Nobody's safe, for we care for none ! (Chuckle), 

Pitti-Sing. Life is a joke that's just begun ! (Chuckle). 

The Three. Three little maids from school ! 

All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, 

Come from a ladies' seminary, 

Freed from its genius tutelary 
The Three (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school ! 

Yum- Yum. One little maid is a bride, Yum- Yum 

Peep-Bo. Two little maids in attendance come 

Pitti-Sing. Three little maids is the total sum. 
The Three. Three little maids from school ! 

Yum- Yum. From three little maids take one away 

Peep-Bo. Two little maids remain, and they 

Pitti-Sing. Won't have to wait very long, they say 
The Three. Three little maids from school ! 

All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, 

Come from a ladies' seminary. 

Freed from its genius tutelary 
27ie TJiree (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school ! 

Ko. At last, my bride that is to be ! {About to embrace her.} 

Yum. You're not going to kiss me before all these people ? 

Ko. Weil, that was the idea. 

Yum. (aside to PEEP-BO). It seems odd, don't it? 

Peep. It's rather peculiar. 

Pitti. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, 
you know. 

Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; 
but I've no objection if it's usual. 






THE TOWh OF T1TIPL. 185 

Ko. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? 
(Appealing to POOH-BAH.) 

Pooh. I have known it done. (Ko-KO embraces her.) 
Yum. That's over ! (Sees NANKI-POO, and rushes to him). 
Why, that's never you? The Three Girls rush to him and 
shake his hands, all speaking at once.) 

Yum. Oh, I'm so glad ! I haven't seen you for ever so 

long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got 

three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going 

back any more ! 

Peep. And have you got an engagement? Yum-Yum's got 
/ one, but she don't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it 

was you. I've come home for good, and I'm not going back 

any more ! 

Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about 

everywhere, and we've been at school ; but, thank goodness, 

that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're 

not going back any more ! 

[_These three speeches are spoken together in one "breath. 

Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me ? 

Yum. ( Oh, this is the musician who used 

Peep. I Oh, this is the gentleman who used 

Pitti. ( Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used 

Ko. One at a time, if you please. 

Yum. He's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on 
the on the 

Pitti. On the Marine Parade. 

Yttm. Yes, I think that was the name of the instru- 
ment. 

Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum- 
Yum oh, I know I deserve your auger ! 

Ko. Auger! Not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. 
Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking 
little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed 
by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye, 
(To Pisn-TusH.) Take him away. (PiSH-Tusn removes him.) 

Pitti. (who has been examining POOH-BAH). I beg your 
pardon, but what is this ? Customer come to try on ? 

Ko. That is a Tremendous Swell. (She starts lack in alarm.) 

Pooh. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like 
you. Go away, there's dears. 

Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my 
three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect. 

Pooh. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I u<ill 
not kis.s them. 



iS6 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Ko. No, no, you shan't kiss them : a little bow a mere 
nothing you needn't mean it, you know. 

Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, 
they are young persons. 

Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good noble- 
man. 

Pooh (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. ( With a great 
effort.) How de do, How de do, little girls ! (Aside.) Oh, my 
protoplasmal ancestor ! 

Ko. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.) 

Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to 
have to say " How de do, How de do, little girls," to young 
persons. I'm not in the habit of saying " How de do, How de 
do, little girls" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker. 

Ko. (aside to Girls). Don't laugh at him he's under treat- 
ment for it. (Aside to POOH-BAH.) Never mind them, they 
don't understand the delicacy of your position. 

Pooh. "We know how delicate it is, don't we? 

Ko. I should think we did ! How a nobleman of your im- 
portance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall 
understand. [Ko-Ko retires up and goes off. 

QUARTETTE AND CHORUS. 

YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AND PITTI-SING. 

So please you, sir, we much regret 
If we have failed in etiquette 
Towards a man of rank so high 
We shall know better by-and-by. 
But youth, of course, must have its fling, 
So pardon us, 
So pardon us, 

And don't in girlhood's happy spring, 
Be hard on us, 
Be hard on us, 
If we're disposed to dance and sing, 

Tra la la, etc. (Dancint/.) 

Chorus of Girls. But youth of course, etc. 

Pooh. I think you ought to recollect 

You cannot show too much respect 
Towards the highly-titled few ; 
But nobody does, and why should you ? 
That youth at us should have its fling, 
Is hard on us, 
Is hard on us ; 

To our prerogative we cling 
So pardon us, 
So pardon us, 



THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 187 

If we decline to dance and sing 

Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) 

Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc. 

[Exeunt all but YUM- YUM. 

Yum. How pitiable is the condition of a young and innocent 
child brought from the gloom of a ladies' academy into the full 
blown blaze of her own marriage ceremony ; and with a man 
for whom I care nothing! True, he loves me; but everybody 
docs that. 

Enter NANKI-POO. 

Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone ! I have sought you 
night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian 
was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to 
him this afternoon ! 

Yum. Alas, yes ! 

Nank. But you do not love him ? 

Yum. Alas, no ! 

Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse 
him? 

Yum. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and 
he wouldn't let me marry you ! 

Nank. But I would wait until you were of age ! 

Yum. Y r ou forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years 
of discretion until they are fifty. 

Nank. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered 
years of indiscretion. 

Yum. Besides, a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind 
instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for 
the ward of a Lord High Executioner. 

Nank. But (Aside.} Shall I tell her? Yes! She will 

not betray me ! (Aloud.} What if it should prove that, after 
all, I am no musician ! 

Yum. There ! 1 was certain of it, directly I heard you 
play ! 

Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the 
son of his Majesty the Mikado? 

Yum. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness 
disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will 
your Highness promise never to do it again ? 

Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate 
Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's court. She mis- 
construed my customary affability into expressions of affection, 
and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My 



1 88 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to 
marry her within a week, or perish ignominious! y on the 
scaffold. That night I fled his court, and, assuming the 
disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you 
found me when I had the happiness of seeing you ! {Approach- 
ing her.} 

Yum. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had 
better not come too near. The laws against flirting are exces- 
sively severe. 

Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us. 

Yum. Still that don't make it right. To flirt is illegal, and 
we must obey the law. 

Nank. Deuce take the law ! 

Yum. I wish it would, but it won't ! 

Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be ! 

Yum. Happy indeed ! 

Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting 
side by side, like that. (Sits ~by her.) 

Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like 
that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.) 

Nank. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that. 
(Approaching and gazing at her sentimentally.) 

Yum. Breathing vows of unutterable love like that. 
(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.) 

Nank. With our arms round each other's waists like that. 
(Embracing her.) 

Yum. Yes, if it wasn't for the law. 

Nank. If it wasn't for the law. 

Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind. 

Nank. Not for worlds ! 

Yum. Being engaged to Ko-ko, you know ! 

Nank. Being engaged to Ko-ko ! 

Nank. So, in spite of all temptation, 

Such a theme I'll not discuss, 
And on no consideration 

Will I kiss you fondly thus (kissing her) 
Let me make it clear to you, 

This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this (kissing her) 
Tiiis is what I'll never do ! 

[Exeunt in opposite directions 

Enter KO-KO. 

Ko. (locking after YUM- YUM). There she goes! To think 
how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little 
parcel ! Keally, it hardly seems worth while ! Oh, matrimony! 



THE TOWN' OF T1T1PL. 189 



Enter Pooii-BAH and 

Now then, what is it ? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing ? 
You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir ! 

Pish. I am the bearer of a letter from His Majesty the Mikado. 

Ko. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the 
Mikado ! What in the world can he have to say to me V 
(Heads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would 
come ! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions 
have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that, unless 
somebody is beheaded within one month, the post of Lord High 
Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the 
rank of a village ! 

Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin ! 

Ko. Yes. There's no help for it, I shall have to execute 
somebody. The only question is, who shall it be ? 

Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already 
under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point 
to you. 

Ko. To me ? What are you talking about? I can't execute 
myself, Recorder ! 

Pooh. Why not ? 

Ko. Why not ? Because, in the first place, self-decapitation 
is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to 
attempt ; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a 
capital offence. 

Pooh. That is so, no doubt. 

Pish. We might reserve that point. 

Pooh. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the 
full Court. 

Ko. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head. 

Pooh. A man might try. 

Pish. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that 
would be something. 

Pooh. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to 
comply with the Imperial will. 

Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official 
Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to 
embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a 
successful result. 

Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable 
to -you, but it places us in a very awkward position. 

Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace 
itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting 
off his own head, 



190 



THE MIKADO; OR, 



Phli. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substi- 
tute 

Ko. Asubstitue? Ob, certainly nothing easier. (To POOH- 
BAH.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you my substitute. 

Pooh. I should like it above all things. Such an appoint- 
ment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any 
sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition ! 



Ko-Ko. 

My brain it teems 
With endless schemes, 
Both good and new 
For Titipu ; 
But if I flit, 
The benefit 
That I'd diffuse 
The town would lose ! 
Now every man 
To aid his clan 
Should plot and plan 
As well as he can, 

And so, 

Although 
I'm ready to go, 
Yet recollect 
'Twere disrespect 
Did I neglect 
To thus effect 
This aim direct. 
So I object 
So I object 



TRIO. 

POOH-BAH. 
I am so proud, 
If I allowed 
My family pride 
To be my guide, 
I'd volunteer 
To quit this sphere 
Instead of you, 
In a minute or two, 
But family pride 
Must be denied, 
And set aside, 
And mortified, 

And so, 

Although 
I wish to go, 
And greatly pine 
To brightly shine, 
And take the line 
Of a hero fine, 
With grief condign 
I must decline 
I must decline 
I must decline 



Pisn-Tusir. 
I heard one day, 
A gentleman say 
That criminals who 
Are cut in two 
Can hardly feel 
The fatal steel, 
And so are slain 
Without much pain. 
If this is true 
It's jolly for you ; 
Your courage screw 
To bid us adieu, 

And go 

And show 
Both friend and foe 
How much you dare, 
I'm quite aware 
It's your affair, 
Yet I declare 
I'd take your share, 
But I don't much care 
I don't much care 
I don't much care 



So I object 

All. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, 

In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, 
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, 
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block ! 

[Exeunt all but Ko-Ko. 

Ko. This is simply appalling ! I, who allowed myself to be 
respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my 
native town, am now required to die within a month, and that 
by a man whom I have loaded with honours ! Is this public 
gratitude ? Is this 

Enter NANKI-POO, with a rope in his hands. 

Go away, sir? How dare you? Am I never to be per- 
mitted to soliloquize ? 

Nank. Oh, go on don't mind me. 

Ko. What are you going to do with that rope? 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 191 

Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence. 

Ko. Terminate your existence ? Oh, nonsense ! What for! 

Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore. 

Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, 
and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your 
instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard. 

Nank. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I 
instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger. 

Ko. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible ! (Suddenly.) 
Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking 
your life, you are committing a crime which which which 
is Oh ! (Struck ly an idea.) 

Nank. What's the matter ? 

Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die? 

Nank. Absolutely ! 

Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution ? 

Nank. Nothing. 

Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers all useless ? 

Nank. All ! My mind is made up. 

Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you arc 
absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake 
your determination don't spoil yourself by committing 
suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public 
Executioner ! 

Nank. I don't see how that would benefit me. 

Ko. You don't ? Observe : you'll have a month to live, and 
you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day 
comes, there'll be a grand public ceremonial you'll be the 
central figure no one will attempt to deprive you of that 
distinction. There'll be a procession bands dead march 
bells toiling all the girls in tears Yum- Yum distracted- 
then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of 
fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be 
there all the same. 

Nank. Do you think Yum-Yura would really be distracted 
at my death ? 

Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender- 
hearted little creature alive. 

Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after 
all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe 
for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her. 

Ko. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum- Yum so easily, 
and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life? 
Nank. True. 
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum why, it seems absurd ! 



THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Nank. Ami yet there are a good many people iu tlie world 
who have to endure it. 

No. Poor devils, yes ! You are quite right not to be of their 
number. 

Nank. (suddenly*). I won't be of their number ! 

Ko. Noble fellow ! 

Nank. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry 
Yum-Ynm to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me. 

Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum- Yum. 

Nank. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Pre- 
paring rope.") 

Ko. Stop, stop listen one moment be reasonable. How 
can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum, if I'm going to 
marry her myself? 

Nank. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and 
you can marry her then. 

Ko. That's true, of course. I quite see that, but, dear me, my 
position during the next month will be most unpleasant most 
unpleasant ! 

Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it. 

Ko. But dear me well I agree. After all, it's only 
putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice 
her against me, will you ? You see, I've educated her to be 
my wife ; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good 
man. Now, I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed. 

Nank. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me. 

FINALE. 

Enter Chorus, POOH-BAH, and PisH-Tusn. 

CHORUS. 
With aspect stern 

And gloomy stride, 
We come to learn 

How you decide. 
Don't hesitate 

Your choice to name, 
A dreadful fate 

You'll suffer all the same. 

Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear. 
Ko. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer ! 
All. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear ! 
Ko. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Pooh ! 
All. Hail, Nanki-Pooh ! 

A'o. I think he'll do ? 

All. Yes, yes, he'll do ! 

He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender ; 
No\v, I adorn that girl with passion tender, 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 193 

And could not yield her with a ready will, 
Or her allot, 
If I did not 

Adore myself with passion tenderer still ! 
All. Ah, yes ! 

He loves himself with passion tenderer still ! 
Ko. (to NANKI-POO.) Take her she's yours ! 

Enter YuM-YuM, PEEP-BO, and PiTTi-Sixo. 

Nank. and Yum- Yum. Oh, rapture ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

Yam-Yum and NanJci-Poo. The threatened cloud has passed away, 
And brightly shines the dawning day ; 
What though the night may come too soon, 
There's yet a month of afternoon ! 
Then let the throng 
Our joy advance, 
With laughing song, 
And merry dance, 

With jo} r ous shout and ringing cheer, 
Inaugurate our brief career ! 
Chorus. Then let the throng, etc. 

Fitti-Siny. A day, a week, a month, a year 
Or be it far, or be it near, 
Life's eventime comes much too soon, 
You'll live at least a honeymoon ! 

All. Then let the throng, etc. 

SOLO. POOH-BAH. 

As in three weeks you've got to die, 

If Ko-Ko tells us true, 
'Twere empty compliment to cry 

Long life to Nanki-Poo ! 
But as you've got three weeks to live 

As fellow citizen, 
This toast with three times three we'll give 

" Long life to you till then ! " 

Chorus. May all good fortune prosper you, 

May you have health and riches too, 
May you succeed in all you do. 
Long life to you till then ! 

DANCE. 

Enter KATISHA, melodramatically. 

Kat. Your revels cease assist me all of you ! 

Chorus. Why, who is this whose evil eyes 

Rain blight on our festivities V 
Kat. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo ! 

Oh, fool ! to shun delights that never cloy ! 

Come back, oh, shallow fool ! come back to joy ! 
ill. o 



I 9 4 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Chorus. Go, leave thy deadly work undone ; 

Away, away ! ill-favoured one ! 
Nank, (aside to YUM-YUM). Ah ! 

Tis Katisha ! 

The maid of whom I told yon. (About to go.) 
Kat. (detaining him). No ! 

You shall not go, 

These arms shall thus enfold you ! 

SONG. KATISHA. 

(Addressing NANKI-POO.) Oh fool, that fleest 

My hallowed joys ! 
Oh blind, that seest 

No equipoise ! 
Oh rash, that judgest 

From half, the whole ! 
Oh base, that grudgest 
Love's lightest dole ! 
Thy heart unbind, 
Oh fool, oh blind ! 
Give me my place, 
Oh rash, oh base ! 

Chorus. If she's thy bride, restore her place, 

Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base ! 

Kat (addressing YUM- YUM). Pink cheek, that rulest 

Where wisdom serves ! 
Bright eye, that f oolest 

Steel-tempered nerves ; 
Rose-lip, that scornest 
Lore-laden years 
Sweet tongue, that warnest 
Who rightly hears 
Thy doom is nigh, 
Pink cheek, bright eye ! 
Thy knell is rung, 
Rose-lip, sweet tongue. 

Chorus. If true her tale, thy knell is rung, 

Pink cheek, bright eye, rose-lip, sweet tongue ! 

Pitti-Sing. Away, nor prosecute your quest 

From our intention well expressed, 
You cannot turn us ! 

The state of your connubial views 

Towards the person you accuse 
Does not concern us ! 

For he's going to marry Yum- Yum 
All. Yum-Yurn ! 

Pitti. Your anger pray bury, 

For all will be merry, 

I think you had better succumb 

All. Cumb cumb ! 

Pitti. And join our expressions of glee, 

On this subject I pray you be dumb 
All. Dumb dumb. 









THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 195 

Pitti. You'll find there are raany 

Who'll wed for a penny 
The word for j'our guidance is, " Mum " 

All. Mum mum ! 

Pitti. There's lots of good fish in the sea ! 

All. There's lots of good fish in the sea ! 

And you'll find there are many, etc. 

SOLO. KA.TISHA. 
The hour of gladness 

Is dead and gone ; 
In silent sadness 
I live alone ! 
The hope I cherished 

All lifeless lies, 
And all has perished 

Save love, which never dies ! 
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue ! 
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue. 

I'll tear the mask from you disguising ! 
Nanh. (aside). Now comes the blow ! 

Kat. Prepare yourself for news surprising ! 

Nank. (aside). How foil my foe ? 

Kat. No minstrel he, despite bravado ! 

Yum. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha ! ha ! I know ! 

Kat. He is the son of your 

[NANKi-Poo and YuM-YuM, interrupting, siny Japanese 
words to drown her voice. 

ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to ! 
O sa ! bikkuri shakkuri to ! 
Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado : 

He is the only son of your 

All. O ni ! 'bikkuri shakkuri to ! 

Kat. I'll spoil 

All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to ! 

Kat. Your gay gambado ! 

He is the son 

All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to ! 

Kat. Of your 

All. ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

KATISHA. THE OTHERS. 

Ye torrents roar ! We'll hear no more 

Ye tempests howl ! Ill-omened owl, 

Your wrath outpour To joy we soar, 

With angry growl ! Despite your scowl 

Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival 

"call Shall rise triumphant over all ! 

Shall rise triumphant over all ! Away you go, 

Prepare for woe, Collect your hordes ; 

Ye haughty lords, Proclaim your woe 

At once I go In dismal chords ; 
Mikado-wards, 



jr,6 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

And when he learns his son is found, We do not heed their dismal sound, 
My wrongs with vengeance will be For joy reigns everywhere around ! 
crowned ! 

[KATISHA rushes furiously up stage, charing the crowd 
away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of 
stage. 



ACT II. 

SOENE. Ko-Ko's Garden. YUM- YUM discovered seated at her 
bridal toilet, surrounded by Maidens, ivho are dressing her 
hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the 
effect in a mirror. 

CHORUS. 
Braid the raven hair 

Weave the supple tress 
Deck the maiden fair 
In her loveliness 
Paint the pretty face 

Dye the coral lip 
Emphasize the grace 

Of her ladyship ! 
Art and nature, thus allied, 
Go to make a pretty bride ! 

SOLO. PlTTI-SlNG. 

Sit with downcast eye 

Let it brim with dew 
Try if you can cry 

We will do so, too. 
When you're summoned, start, 

Like a frightened roe 
Flutter, little heart, 

Colour, come and go ! 
Modesty at marriage-tide 
Well becomes a pretty bride ! 

CHORUS. 
Braid the raven hair, etc. [Exeunt Chorus. 

Turn, (looking at herself in glass}. Yes, I am indeed 
beautiful ! Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese 
way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody 
else in the whole world ? Can this be vanity ? No ! Nature 
is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, 
and take after my mother. 

SONG. YUM-YUM. 
The sun, whose rays 
Are all ablaze 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 197 

With ever living glory, 
Does not deny 
His majesty 

He scorns to tell a story ! 
He don't exclaim, 
"I blush for shame, 

So kindly be indulgent." 
But, fierce and bold, 
In fiery gold, 

He glories all effulgent ! 

I mean to rule the earth, 

As he the sky 
We really know our worth, 

The sun and I ! 

Observe his flame, 
That placid dame, 

The moon's Celestial Highness ; 
There's not a trace 
Upon her face 

Of diffidence or shyness : 
She borrows light 
That, through the night, 

Mankind may all acclaim her ! 
And, truth to tell, 
She lights up well, 

So I, for one, don't blame her ! 

Ah, pray make no mistake, 

We are not shy ; 
We're very wide awake, 

The moon and I ! 

Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be 
married to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the 
very happiest girl in Japan ! 

Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied 
who has attained happiness in all but perfection. 

Yum. In " all but " perfection ? 

Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your 
husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a 
drawback. 

Pitti. I don't know about that. It all depends ! 

Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback. 

Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends ! 

Yum. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer 
to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is 
to be to be 

Peep. Cut short. 

Yum. Well, cut short in a month, can't you let me forget 
it? [Weeping.} 



198 THE MIKADO; OR, 

Enter N ANKi-Poo followed by Pisn-TusH. 

Nank. Yum- Yum in tears and on her wedding morn ! 

Yum. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a 
month you're to be beheaded ! {Bursts into tears.} 

Pitti. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be 
beheaded. (Bursts into tears.) 

Peep. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded ! 
(Bursts into tears.) 

Nank. (aside}. Humph! How some bridegrooms would 
be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.') A month? 
Well, what's a month ? Bah ! These divisions of time are 
purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day? 

Pitti. There's a popular impression to that effect. 

Nank. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute 
each minute an hour each hour a day and each day a 
year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happi- 
ness before us ! 

Peep. And at that rate, this interview has already lasted 
four hours and three-quarters ! [Exit PEEP-BO. 

Yum. (still soUbing). Yes. How time flies when one is 
thoroughly enjoying one's self! 

Nank. That's the way to look at it ! Don't let's be down- 
hearted ! There's a silver lining to every cloud. 

Yum. Certainly. Let's let's be perfectly happy ! (Almost 
in tears.} 

Pish. By all means. Let's let's thoroughly enjoy our- 
selves. 

Pitti. It's it's absurd to cry ! (Trying to force a laugh.) 

Yum. Quite ridiculous ! (Trying to laugh.) 

[All break into a forced and melancholy laugh. 

QUARTETTE. 

YUM-YUM, PlTTI-SlNG, NANKI-POO, AND PlSH-TuSH. 

Brightly dawns our wedding-day ; 

Joyous hour, we give thee greeting ! 

Whither, whither art thou fleeting ? 
Fickle moment, prithee stay ! 

What though mortal joys be hollow ? 

Pleasures come, if sorrows follow : 
Though the tocsin sound, ere long, 

Ding dong ! Ding dong ! 
Yet until the shadows fall 
Over one and over all, 
Sing a merry madrigal 
A madrigal ! 

Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.) 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 199 

Let us dry the ready tear, 

Though the hours are surely creeping, 

Little need for woeful weeping, 
Till the sad sundown is near. 

All must sip the cup of sorrow 

I to-day and thou to-morrow : 
This the close of every song 

Ding dong ! Ding dong ! 
What, though solemn shadows fall, 
Sooner, later, over all ? 
Sing a merry madrigal 
A madrigal ! 

Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.) 

[Exeunt PITTI-SING and Pisn-TusH. 

NANKI-POO embraces YUM- YUM. Enter Ko-Ko. NANKI-POO 

releases YUM- YUM. 

Ko. Go on don't mind me. 

Nank. I'm afraid we're distressing you. 

Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it 
by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. 
(NANKi-Poo does so.) There ; let me get used to that first. 

Yum. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire ? It must pain you 
to see us so affectionate together ! 

Ko. No, I must learn to bear it ! Now oblige me by allow- 
ing her head to rest on your shoulder. (He does so Ko-Ko 
much affected.} I am much obliged to you. Now kiss her ! 
(He does so Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you it's 
simple torture ! 

Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month. 

Ko. No. It's no use deluding one's self with false hopes. 

Nank. and Yum. (together). What do you mean ? 

Ko. (to YUM- YUM). My child my poor child. {Aside.) 
How shall I break it to her ? (Aloud.) My little bride that 
was to have been. 

Yum. (delighted). Was to have been ! 

Ko. Yes ; you never can be mine ! 

Yum. (in ecstasy). What ! ! ! 

Ko. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a 
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive. 

Nank. and Yum. (together). Buried alive ! 

Ko. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death. 

Nank. But whom did you get that from ? 

Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my solicitor. 

Yum. But he may be mistaken ! 

Ko. So I thought, so I consulted the Attorney-General, the 



2co THE MIKADO; OK, 

Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, 
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. 
Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life ! 

Nank. But, stop a bit ! This law has never been put in 
force ? 

Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable 
with decapitation, and married men never flirt. 

Nank. Of course they don't. I quite forgot that ! Well, 
I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at 
an end ! 

Yum. Darling, I don't want to appear selfish, and I love 
you with all my heart I don't suppose I shall ever love 
anybody else half as much but when I agreed to marry you, 
my own, I had no idea, pet, that I should have to be buried 
alive in a month ! 

Nank. Nor I ! It's the very first I've heard of it ! 

Yum. It it makes a difference, doesn't it ? 

NanJc. It does make a difference, of course ! 

Yum. You see burial alive it's such a stuffy death ! You 
see my difficulty, don't you ? 

Nank. Yes ; and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying 
out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death ; if I release 
you, you marry Ko-Ko at once ! 

TRIO. YUM- YUM, NAXK.I-POO, AND Ko-Ko. 
Yum. Here's a how-de-do ! 

If I marry you, 

When your time has come to perish, 
Then the maiden whom you cherish 
Must be slaughtered too ! 
Here's a how-de-do ! 

Nank. Here's a pretty mess ! 

In a month, or less, 
I must die without a wedding ! 
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding 
Witness my distress, 
Here's a pretty mess ! 

Ko. Here's a state of things ! 

To her life she clings ! 

Matrimonial devotion 

Doesn't seem to suit her notion- 
Burial it brings ! 
Here's a state of things ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

YUM-YUM AND NANKI-POO. Ko-Ko. 

With a passion that's intense With a passion that's intense 

I worship and adore, You worship and adore, 



THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 201 

But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense 
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore. 

If what he says is true, If what I say is true, 

It is death to marry you ! It is death to marry you ! 

Here's a pretty state "of things ! Here's a pretty state of things ! 
Here's a pretty how-de-do ! Here's a pretty how-de-do ! 

[Exit YuH-YuM. 

Ko. (going up to NANKI-POO). My poor boy, I'm really 
very sorry for you. 

Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. " 

Ko. You see I'm quite helpless. 

Nank. I quite see that. 

Ko. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have 
one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't 
be disappointed of a wedding you shall come to mine. 

Nank. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible. 

Ko. Why so? 

Nank. To-day I die. 

Ko. What do you mean ? 

Nank. I can't live without Yum- Yum. This afternoon I 
perform the Happy Despatch. 

Ko. No, no pardon me I can't allow that. 

Nank. Why not ? 

Ko. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the 
hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time ! If you 
kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to 
be executed in your place ! 

Nank. It would certainly seem so ! 

Enter POOH-BAH. 

Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it? 

Pooh. Tbe Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, 
and will be here in ten minutes. 

Ko. The Mikado ! He's coming to see whether his orders 
have been carried out ! (To NANKI-POO.) Now, look here, 
you know this is getting serious a bargain's a bargain, and 
you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing 
suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound 
to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner. 

Nank. Very well, then behead me. 

Ko. What, now ? 

Nank. Certainly ; at once. 

Ko. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute 
gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a 
blue-bottle ! 



202 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner 

Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to 
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know 
how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin 
with a guinea-pig, and work my way through the animal 
kingdom till I come to a second trombone. Why, you don't 
suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of 
Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were 
purely nominal? I can't kill you I can't kill anything! 
( Weeps.} 

Nank. Come, my poor fellow, your feelings do you credit ; 
but you must nerve yourself to this you must, indeed. We 
all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times ; and when 
these duties present themselves we must nerve ourselves to an 
effort. Come, now after all, what is it? If I don't mind, 
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be 
done. 

Ko. {springing up suddenly}. Must it? I'm not so sure 
about that ! 

Nan~k. What do you mean ? 

Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that 
you've been executed will do just as well ? Here are plenty of 
witnesses the Lord Chief Justice, and Lord High Admiral, 
Cornmander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Depart- 
ment, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of 
Police. They'll all swear to it won't you? (To POOH-BAH.) 

Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of 
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety ? 

Ko. Why not ? You'll be grossly insulted as usual. 

Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date ? 

Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction. 

Pooh, (aside). Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) 
Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it ! (Aside.) 
Ha ! ha ! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck ? 

NanTc. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum 

Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yurn ! Bother Yum-Yum ! Here, 
Commissionaire (to POOH-BAH), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit 
POOH-BAH.) Take Yuni-Yuin and marry Yum-Yum, only go 
away and never come back again. 

Enter POOH-BAH with YUM-YUM and PITTI-SING. 

Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy ? 
Yum. Not particularly. 
Ko. You've five minutes to spare ? 
Yum. Yes. 






THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 203 

Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu ; 
he'll marry you at once. 

Turn. But if I'm to be buried alive? 

Ko. Now don't ask any questions, but do as I tell 'you, and 
Nanki-Poo will explain all. 

Nank. But one moment 

Ko. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to 
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you 
alive, I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him 
that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM, 
followed by Poon-BAH.) Close thing that, for here he comes ! 

March. Enter procession, heralding MIKADO, with KATISHA. 

CHORUS. 
" March of the Mikado's troops" 

Miya sama, iniya sama, 
On ma no maye ni 
Pira-Pira sum no wa 
Nan gia na 
Toko tony are tony are na ! 

DUET. MIKADO AND KATISHA. 

32 1 kudu. From every kind of man 

Obedience I expect ; 
I'm the Emperor of Japan. 

Kat. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect ! 

He'll marry his son 
(He has only got one) 
To his daughter-in-law elect. 
Mik. My morals have been declared 

Particularly correct ; 
Kat. But they're nothing at all, compared 

With those of his daughter-in-law elect ! 

Bow ! Bow ! 

To his daughter-in-law elect ! 
All. Bow! Bow! 

To his daughter-in-law elect. 

Mih. In a fatherly kind of way 

I govern each tribe and sect, 
All cheerfully own my sway 

Kat. Except his daughter-in-law elect ! 

As tough as a bone, 
With a will of her own, 
Is his daughter-in-law elect ! 
Mik. My nature is love and light 

My freedom from all defect 
Kat. Is insignificant quite, 

Compared with his daughter-in-law elect ! 

Bow ! Bow ! 
To his daughter-in-law elect ! 



204 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

All. Bow! Bow! 

To his daughter-in-law elect. 

S ONG. MIKADO. 

A more humane Mikado never 
Did in Japan exist, 

To nobody second, 

I'm certainly reckoned 
A true philanthropist. 
It is my very humane endeavour 
To make, to some extent, 

Each evil liver 

A running river 
Of harmless merriment. 

My object all sublime 
I shall achieve in time 
To let the punishment fit the crime- - 

The punishment fit the crime ; 
Andmiake each prisoner pent 
Unwillingly represent 
A source of innocent merriment, 
Of innocent merriment ! 

All prosy dull society sinners, 
Who chatter and bleat and bore, 

Are sent to hear sermons 

From mystical Germans 
Who preach from ten to four. 
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies 
All desire to shirk, 

Shall, during off-hours, 

Exhibit his powers 
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork. 

My object all sublime, etc. 

The lady who dies a chemical yellow, 
Or stains her grey hair puce, 

Or pinches her figger, 

Is blacked like a nigger 
With permanent walnut juice. 
The idiot 'who, in railway carriages, 
Scribbles on window panes, 

We only suffer 

To ride on a buffer 
In parliamentary trains. 

My object all sublime, etc. 

The advertising quack who wearies 
With tales of countless cures, 
His teeth, I've enacted, 
Shall all be extracted 
By terrified amateurs. 
The music-hall singer attends a series 



THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 205 

Of masses and fugues and " ops " 

By Bach, interwoven 

With Spokr and Beethoven, 
At classical Monday Pops. 

My object all sublime, etc. 

The billiard sharp whom any one catches, 
His doom's extremely hard 

He's made to dwell 

In a dungeon cell 
On a spot that's always barred. 
And there he plays extravagant matches 
In fitless finger-stalls 

On a cloth untrue 

With a twisted cue, 
And elliptical billiard balls ! 

My object all sublime, etc. 

Enter POOH-BAH, wlio hands a paper to Ko-Ko. 

Ko. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your 
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit your 
wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place. 

Mik. Oh, you've had an execution, have you ? 

Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate. 

Pooh. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to MIKADO.) 

Mik. (reads). "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord 
Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of 
State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the 
Second Floor Front." 

Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them 
myself. 

Mik. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the 
performance. 

Ko. A tough fellow he was, too a man of gigantic strength. 
His struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable 
scene. 

Tuio. Ko-Ko, PITTI-SIXG, AXD POOH-BAH. 
Ko. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down, 

In a state of wild alarm 
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown 

I bared my big right arm. 
I seized him by his little pig-tail, 
And on his knees fell he, 

As he squirmed and struggled 
And gurgled and guggled, 
I drew my snickersnee ! 
Oh, never shall I 
Forget the cry, 



206 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Or the shriek that shrieked he, 
As I gnashed my teeth, 
When from its sheath 
I drew my snickersnee ! 

CHORUS. 

We know him well, 
He cannot tell 

Untrue or groundless tales- 
He always tries 
To utter lies, 

And every time he fails. 

Pitti-Sincf. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign 

For the stroke he didn't deserve ; 
When all of a sudden his eye met mine, 

And it seemed to brace his nerve, 
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, 
And he whistled an air, did he, 

As the sabre true 

Cut cleanly through 
His cervical vertebras ! 

When a man's afraid, 

A beautiful maid 
Is a cheering sight to see, 

And it's oh, I'm glad 

That moment sad 
Was soothed by sight of me ! 

CHORUS. 

Her terrible tale 

You can't assail, 
With truth it quite agrees ; 

Her taste exact 

For faultless fact 
Amounts to a disease. 

Pooh. Now though you'd have said that head was dead 

(For its owner dead was he), 
It stood on its neck with a smile well bred, 
And bowed three times to me ! 



It was none of your impudent off-hand nods, 
But as humble as could be ; 

For it clearly knew 

The deference due 
To a man of pedigree ! 

And it's oh, I vow, 

This deathly bow 
Was a touching sight to see ; 

Though trunkless, yet 

It couldn't forget 
The deference due to me ! 



THE TOWN OF T2TIPU. 207 

CHORUS. 

This haughty youth 

He speaks the truth 
Whenever he finds it pays, 

And in this case 

It all took place 
Exactly as he says ! \lbxeunt Chorus. 

Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have 
seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A 
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from 
our imperial court. 

Ko. Indeed ? Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his 
position ? 

Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry 
him yet he fled ! 

Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so 
lovely ! 

Kat. That's not true. You hold that I am not beautiful 
because my face is plain. But you know nothing ; you are still 
unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone 
that beauty is to be sought. But I have a left shoulder-blade 
that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. 
My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. It is on 
view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting-card. 
As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. Observe 
this ear. 

Ko. Large. 

Kat. Large ? Enormous ! But think of its delicate internal 
mechanism. It is fraught with beauty ! As for this tooth, 
it almost stands alone. Many have tried to draw it, but in 
vain. 

Ko. And yet he fled ! 

Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a 
second trombone. 

Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). A second^trombone ! 

Mik. Yes ; would it be troubling you too much if I asked 
you to produce him ? He goes by the name of Nanki-Poo. 

Ko. Oh no ; not at all only 

Mik. Yes? 

Ko. It's rather awkward ; but, iu point of fact, he's gone 
abroad ! 

Mik. Gone abroad ? His address ! 

Ko. Knightsbridge ! 

Kat. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha ! 

M ik. What's the matter ? 

Kat. See here his name Nanki-Poo beheaded this mom- 



203 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

ing ! Oh, where shall I find another ! Where shall I find 
another ! [Ko-KO, POOH-BAH, an<^PiTTi-SiNG/?Z on their knees. 

Mik. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear ; this is very 
tiresome. (To KO-KO.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to 
carry out my wishes, you have beheaded the heir to the throne 
of Japan ! 

(Ko. But I assure you we had no idea 
Together. \ Pooh. But, indeed, we didn't know 

( Pitti. We really hadn't the least notion 

Mik. Of course you hadn't. How could you ? Come, come, 
my good fellow, don't distress yourself it was no fault of yours. 
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a second 
trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses 
me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved 
all he got. {They rise.) 

Ko. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty. 

Mik. Obliged ? Not a bit. Don't mention it. How could 
you tell ? 

Pooh. No, of course we couldn't know that he was the Heir 
Apparent. 

Pitti. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know. 

Ko. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but 
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Mik. Ha! ha! ha! {To KAT.) I forget the punishment 
for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent. 

Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). Punishment! (They drop 
down on their knees again.) 

Mik. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy. 
Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but 
I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, 
with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret 
I'm not a bit angry. 

Ko. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our 
assurance, we had no idea 

Mik. Of course you hadn't. That's the pathetic part of it. 
Unfortunately the fool of an Act says " compassing the death of 
the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake, or 
not knowing, or having no notion. There should be, of course, 
but there isn't. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts 
are drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it 
altered next session. 

Ko. What's the good of that ? 

Mik. Now, let's see will after luncheon suit you? Can you 
wait till then ? 

Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Oh yes we can wait till then ! 






THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 209 

Mik. Then we'll make it after luncheon. I'm really very 
sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is 
triumphant only in theatrical performances. 

GLEE. 

MIKADO, KATISHA, Ko-Ko, POOH-BAH, AND PITTI-SING. 
Mik. and Kat. See how the Fates their gifts allot, 

For A is happy B is not. 
Yet B is worthy, I dare say, 
Of more prosperity than A ! 
.Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. Is B more worthy? 
Mik. and Kat. I should say 

He's worth a great deal more than A. 

ENSEMBLE. 

Yet A is happy ! 

Oh, so happy ! 
Laughing, Ha ! ha ! 
Chaffing, Ha ! ha ! 
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
Ever joyous ever gay, 
Happy, undeserving A ! 

Ko., Pooh,, and Pitti. If I were fortune which I'm not 

B should enjoy A's happy lot, 
And A should die in niiserie, 
That is, assuming I am B. 

Mik. and Kat. But should A perish ? 

Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. That should he, 

(Of course assuming I am B). 

B should be happy ! 

Oh, so happy ! 
Laughing, Ha ! ha ! 
Chaffing, Ha ! ha ! 
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 
But condemned to die is he, 
Wretched, meritorious B ! 

[Exeunt MIKADO and KATISHA. 

Ko. Well ! a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding 
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree ! 

Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic 
verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative. 

Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed ! Corroborative fiddlestick ! 

Ko. And you're just as bad as he is, with your cock-aud-a- 
bull stories about catching his eye, and his whistling an air. 
But that's so like you ! You must put in your oar ! 

Pooh. But how about your big right arm ? 

Pitti. Yes, and your snickersnee ! 

Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one 
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet he must come 
to life again at once. 

in. P 



2 ro THE MIKADO; OR, 

Enter NANKI-PO and YuM-YuM prepare for journey. 

Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you 
you're reprieved. 

NanJc. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for 
my honeymoon. 

Ko. Nonsense. A" terrible thing has just happened. It seems 
you're the son of the Mikado. 

Nank. Yes ; but that happened some time ago. 

Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, 
and with Katisha. 

Nank. My father ! And with Katisha ! 

Ko. Yes ; he wants you particularly. 

Pooh. So does she. 

Turn. Oh, but he's married now. 

Ko. But, bless my heart, what has that to do with it ? 

Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her 
because I'm married already consequently she will insist on 
my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be 
buried alive. 

Turn. You see our difficulty. 

Ko. Yes. I don't know what's to be done. 

Nank. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade 
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, 
and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being 
put to death. 

Ko. I marry Katisha ! 

Turn. I really think it's the only course. 

Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her ? She's something 
appalling ! 

Pitti. Ah, that's only her face. She has a left elbow which 
people come miles to see ! 

Pooh. I am told that her right heel is much admired by 
connoisseurs. 

Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's 
right heel. 

Nank. It comes to this : while Katisha is single, I prefer to 
be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence 
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring. 

DUET. NANKI-POO AND Ko-Ko. 

Nank. The flowers that bloom in the spring, 

Tra la, 

Breathe promise of merry sunshine 
As we merrily dance and we sing, 
Tra la, 



THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 211 

We welcome the hope that they bring, 

Tra la, 

Of a summer of roses and wine ; 
And that's what we mean when we say that a thing 
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring. 

Tra la la la la la, etc. 

All. And that's what we mean, etc. 

Ko. The flowers that bloom in the spring, 

Tra la, 

Have nothing to do with the case. 
I've got to take under my wing, 

Tra la, 
A most unattractive old thing, 

Tra la, 

With a caricature of a face ; 
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing, 
" Oh bother the flowers that bloom in the spring ! 

Tra la la la la la, etc. 
All. And that's what he means when he ventures to sing, etc. 

[Dance and 'exeunt NANKI-POO, YuM-YuM, POOH-BAH, 
and PiTTi-SiNG. 

Enter KATISHA. 

RECITATIVE. 

Alone, and yet alive ! Oh sepulchre ! 
My soul is still my body's prisoner ! 
Remote the peace that Death alone can give 
My doom to wait ! my punishment to live ! 

SONG. 

Hearts do not break ! 
They sting and ache 
For old sake's sake, 

But do not die ! 
Though with each breath 
They long for death, 
As witnesseth 

The living I ! 
Oh living I ! 
Come, tell me why, 
When hope is gone 
Dost thou stay on ? 
W T hy linger here, 
Where all is drear ? 
May not a cheated maiden die ? 

Ko. (approaching her timidly}. Katisha! 

Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love ! But 
venseance pursues they are heating the cauldron ! 

Ko. Katisha behold a suppliant at your feet ! Katisha 
mercy ! 



212 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

Kcit. Mercy ? Had you mercy on him ? See here, you 1 
You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would 
have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste only the 
educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate 
when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find 
another ? It takes years to train a man to love me am I to go 
through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore 
mercy for you who robbed me of my prey I mean my pupil 
just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh, 
where shall I find another ! 

Ko. (suddenly, and with great vehemence}. Here ! Here ! 

Kat. What!!! 

Ko. (with intense passion}. Katisha, for years I have loved 
you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely con- 
suming my very vitals ! Ah, shrink not from me ! If there 
is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from 
a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest 
touch ! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have 
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling 
the soul within me. But the fire will not be smothered it 
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the 
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words 
that will not be weighed that cannot be schooled that should 
not be too severely criticized. Katisha, I dare not hope for 
your love but I will not live without it ! 

Kat. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my 
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you 
have so foully wronged ! 

Ko. I do accept my love, or I perish on the spot ! 

Kat. Go to ! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet 
died of a broken heart ! 

Ko. You know not what you say. Listen ! 

SONG. Ko-Ko. 

On a tree by a river a little torn-tit 

Sang. "Willow, titwillow, titwillow! " 
And I said to him, " Dicky-bird, why do you sit 

Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?" 
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie ?" I cried, 
" Or a rather tough worm in your little inside ? " 
With a shake of his poor little head he replied, 
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !" 

He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, 
Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" 

And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, 
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! 



THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 213 

He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, 
Then he threw himself into the billowy wave, 
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave 
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! 

Now, I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name 

Isn't willow, titwillow, titwillow. 
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim, 

" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! 
And if 3 r ou remain callous and obdurate, I 
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, 
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, 
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " 

[During this song KATISHA has been greatly affected, 
and at the end is almost in tears. 

Rat. (whimpering}. Did he really die of love ? 

Ko. He really did. 

Kat. All on account of a cruel little hen ? 

Ko. Yes. 

Kat. Poor little chap! 

Ko. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird 
intimately. 

Kat. Did you ? He must have been very fond of her ! 

Ko. His devotion was something extraordinary. 

Kat. (still whimper ing}. Poor little chap ! And and if I 
refuse you, will you go and do the same ? 

Ko. At once. 

Kat. No, no you mustn't ! Anything but that ! (Falls on 
his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose ! 

Ko. (making a wry face). You are ! 

Kat. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny 
weeny wee bit blood-thirsty, will you ? 

Ko. Hate you ? Oh, Katisha ! is there not beauty even in 
blood-thirstiness ? 

Kat. My idea exactly ! 

DUET. Ko-Ko AND KATISHA. 

Kat. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast, 

There is grandeur in the growing of the gale, 
There is eloquent out-pouring 
When the lion is a-roaring, 
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tale ! 

Ko, Yes, I like to see a tiger 

From the Congo or the Niger, 
And especially when lashing of his tail ! 

Kat, Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim, 

And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 



214 THE MIKADO ; OR, 

But to him who's scientific 
There's nothing that's terrific 
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts ! 

Ko. Yes, in spite of all my meekness, 

If I have a little weakness, 
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts. 

Both. If that is so, 

Sing derry down derry ! 
It's evident, very, 

Our tastes are one. 
Away we'll go, 

And merrily marry, 
Nor tardily tarry 

'Till day is done ! 

Ko. There is beauty in extreme old age 

Do you fancy you are elderly enough ? 

Information I'm requesting 

On a subject interesting : 
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough? 

Kat. Throughout this wide dominion 

It's the general opinion 
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough. 

Ko. Are you old enough to marry do you think ? 

Won't you wait 'till you are " eighty in the shade " ? 

There's a fascination frantic 

In a ruin that's romantic ; 
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed ? 

Kat. To the matter that you mention 

I have given some attention, 
And I think I am sufficiently decayed. 

Both. If that is so, 

Sing derry down derry ! 
It's evident, very, 

Our tastes are one ! 
Away we'll go, 

And merrily marry, 
Nor tardily tarry 
Till day is done ! [Exeunt together. 

Flourish. Enter the MIKADO, attended by Pisn-Tusn, and 

Court. 

Mik. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite 
ready. Have all the painful preparations been made ? 

Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared. 

Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two 
well-meaning but misguided accomplices. 



THE TOWN OF TIT2PU. 215 

Enter Ko-Ko, KATISHA, POOH-BAH, and Prm-Sixo. They 
throiu themselves at the MIK ABO'S feet. 

Kat. Mercy ! Mercy for Ko-Ko ! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! 
Mercy even for Pooh-Bah ! 

Mik. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that 
remark. 

Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, 
and I have just married this miserable object. 

Mik. Oh ! You've not been long about it ! 

Ko. We were married before the Registrar. 

Pooh. I am the Registrar. 

Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the 
Heir- Apparent 

Enter NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM. They kneel. 

Nank. The Heir-Apparent is not slain. 

Mik. Bless my heart, my son ! 

Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected ! 

Kat. {seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me ! 

Mik. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I 
think he will give it better whole than in pieces. 

Ko. Your Majesty, it's like this. It is true that I stated 
that I had killed Nanki-Poo 

Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars. 

Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give veri- 
similitude to a bald and 

Ko. Will you refrain from putting in your oar ? {To MIK.) 
It's like this : when your Majesty says, " Let a thing be done," 
it's as good as done practically, it is done because your 
Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, " Kill a gentleman," 
and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently that 
gentleman is as good as dead practically he is dead and if he 
is dead, why not say so ? 

Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory. 

FINALE. 

Yum and Nank. The threatened cloud has passed away, 
And brightly shines the dawning day ; 
What though the night may come too soon, 
We've years and years of afternoon ! 
Pli. Then let the throng 

Our joy advance, 
With laughing song 
And merry dance, 

With joyous shout and ringing cheer, 
Inaugurate our new career ! 

Then let the throng, etc. 



RUDDIGORE; 



OR, 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 

AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL SUPERNATURAL OPERA, 

IN TWO ACTS. 

First produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, by MR. R. D'OYLY 
CARTE, on Saturday, January zznd, 1887. 









DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

MORTALS. 

ROBIN OAKAPPLE, a Young Farmer ... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH. 

RICHARD DAUNTLESS, his Foster- 
brother a Man-d'-war's-man ... MR. DURWARD LELY. 

SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, of Rud- 

digore a Wicked Baronet MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON. 

OLD ADAM GOODHEART, Robin's Faith- 
ful Servant MR. RUDOLPH LEWIS. 

ROSE MAYBUD, a Village Maiden ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM. 

MAD MARGARET Miss JESSIE BOND. 

DAME HANNAH, Rose's Aunt Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM. 

ZORAH) n c ? v / -^ f Miss JOSEPHINE FINDLAY. 

J- Professional Bridesmaids ...\ 
RUTH ) (Miss LINDSAY. 

GHOSTS. 
SIR RUPERT MURGATROYD, the First 

Baronet MR. PRICE. 

SIR JASPER MURGATROYD, the Third 

Baronet MA. CHARLES. 

SIR LIONEL MURGATROYD, the Sixth 

Baronet MR. TREVOR. 

SIR CONRAD MURGATROYD, the Twelfth 

Baronet MR. BURBANK. 

SIR DESMOND MURGATROYD, the 

Sixteenth Baronet MR. TUER. 

SIR GILBERT MURGATROYD, the 

Eighteenth Baronet MR. WILBRAHAM. 

SIR MERVYN MURGATROYD, the 

Twentieth Baronet MR. Cox. 

SIR RODERIC MURGATROYD, th>. 

Twenty-first Baronet MR. RICHARD TEMPLE. 

Chorus of Officers, Ancestors, and Professional Bridesmaids. 

ACT I. 

THE FISHING VILLAGE OF BEDERRING, IN 

CORNWALL. 

ACT II. 
PICTURE GALLERY IN RUDDIGORE CASTLE. 

TIME EARLY IN THE PRKSENT CENTURY. 






RUDDIGORIi 



OR, 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. Tlie fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall). ROSE 

MAYBUD'S cottage is seen 

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. They range themselves in front 

of HOSE'S cottage. 

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. 

Fair is Rose as the bright May-day ; 

Soft is Rose as the warm west-wind ; 
Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay 
Rose is the queen of maiden-kind ! 
Rose, all glowing 

With virgin blushes, say 
Is anybody going 
To marry yon to-day ? 

SOLO. ZORAH. 

Every day, as the days roll on, 

Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don, 

Sure that a maid so fairly famed 

Won't very long remain unclaimed. 

Hour by hour, and day by day, 

Several months have passed aw a}'. 

And though she's the fairest flower that blows, 

Nobody yet has married Rose ! 

CHORUS. 
Rose, all glowing 

With virgin blushes, say 
Is anybody going 

To marry you to-day ? 



220 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Enter OLD HANNAH, from cottage. 

Han. Nay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for 
Rose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many 
suitors. 

Zor. It's very disappointing. Every young man in the 
village is in love with her, but they are appalled by her 
beauty and modesty, and won't declare themselves ; so, until 
she makes her own choice, there's no chance for anybody 
else. 

Eutli. This is, perhaps, the only village in the world that 
possesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are 
bound to be on duty every day from ten to four and it is at 
least six months since our services were required. The pious 
charity by which we exist is practically wasted ! 

Zor. We shall be disendowed that will be the end of it ! 
Dame Hannah you're a nice old person you could marry if 
you liked. There's old Adam Robin's faithful servant he 
loves you with all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen. 

Han. Nay that may never be, for I am pledged ! 

All. To whom ? 

Han. To an eternal maidenhood ! Many years ago I was 
betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed 
name. But on the very day upon which our wedding was to 
have been celebrated, I discovered that he was no other than 
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore, 
and the uncle of the man who now bears that title. As a son 
of that accursed race he was no husband for an honest girl, 
so, madly as I loved him, I left him then and there. He died 
but ten years since, but I never saw him again. 

Zor. But why should you not marry a bad Baronet of 
Ruddigore ? 

Ruth. All baronets are bad; but was he worse than other 
baronets ? 

Han. My child, he was accursed. 

Zor. But who cursed him ? Not you, I trust ! 

Han. The curse is on all his line, and has been ever since 
the time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet. Listen, and you 
shall hear the legend. 

LEGEND. HANNAH. 

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd 

His leisure and his riches 
He ruthlessly employed 

In persecuting witches. 
With fear he'd make them quake 






Chorus 



THE WITCHES CURSE. 

He'd duck them in his lake 
He'd break their bones 
With sticks and stones, 

And burn them at the stake ! 

This sport he much enjoyed, 
Did Rupert Murgatroyd 

Is'o sense of shame 

Or pity came 
To Rupert Murgatroyd ! 

Once, on the village green, 
A palsied hag he roasted, 
And what took place, I ween, 

Shook his composure boasted ; 
For, as the torture grim 
Seized on each withered limb, 
The writhing dame, 
'Mid fire and flame, 
Yelled forth this curse on him : 

"Each lord of Ruddigore, 

Despite his best endeavour, 
Shall do one crime, or more, 
Once, every day, for ever ! 
This doom he can't defy 
However he may try, 
For should he stay 
His hand, that day 
In torture he shall die ! " 

The prophecy came true : 

Each heir who held the title 
Had, every day, to do 

Some crime of import vital ; 
Until, with guilt o'erplied, 
"I'll sin no more ! " he cried, 
And on the day 
He said that say, 
In agony he died ! 



221 



Chorus And thus, with sinning cloyed, 

Has died each Murgatroyd, 
And so shall fall, 
Both one and all, 
Each coming Murgatroyd ! 

[Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids. 

Enter R SE MAYBUD/VOW cottage, with small basket on 

her arm. 



Han. "w'hfrh^ awav > dear R se ? ^ n some errand of charity, 

asisthy W nt? 

Hose. A * ew g 1 ^ dear aunt, for deserving villagers. Lo, 
here is soi ne peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of 



222 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

false teeth for pretty little Kuth Rowbottom, and a pound of 
snuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill. 

Han. Ah, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help 
to make some gallant youth happy for life! Rose, why dost 
thou harden that little heart of thine? Is there none here- 
away whom thou couldst love ? 

Rose. And if there were such an one, verily it would ill 
become me to tell him so. 

Ban. Nay, dear one, where true love is, there is little need 
of prim formality. 

JRose. Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung 
in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door, 
with nought that I could call mine own, save a change of baby- 
linen and a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always 
regarded that work as a voice from a parent's tomb. This 
hallowed volume (producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I 
may believe the title-page, by no less an authority than the 
wife of a Lord Mayor, has been, through life, my guide and 
monitor. By its solemn precepts I have learnt to test the 
moral worth of all who approach me. The man who bites his 
bread, or eats peas with a knife, I look upon as a lost creature, 
and he who has not acquired the proper way of entering and 
leaving a room is the object of my pitying horror. There are 
those in this village who bite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly 
all are wont to use their pocket-combs in public places. In 
truth I could pursue this painful theme much further, but 
behold, I have said enough. 

Han. But is there not one among them who is faultless, in 
thine eyes? For example young Robin. He combines the 
manners of a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist. Couldst 
thou not love him ? 

Hose. And even if I could, how should I confess it unto him ? 
For lo, he is shy, and sayeth nought ! 

BALLAD. ROSE. 
If somebody there chanced to be 

Who loved me in a manner true, 
My heart would point him out to me, 
And I would point him out to you. 
(Referring to look.) But here it says of those who point, 

Their manners must be out of joint 
You may not point 
You must not point 
It's manners out of joint, to point ! 
Had I the love of such as he, 

Some quiet spot he'd take me to, 
Then he could whisper it to me, 
And I could whisper it to you ; 






THE WITCH'S CURSE. 223 

(Referring tobook.) But whispering, I've somewhere met, 
Is contrary to etiquette : 

Where can it be? (Searching book.) 
Now let me see (Finding reference.) 

Yes, Yes ! 
It's contrary to etiquette ! [Showing it to HANNAH. 

If any well-bred youth I knew, 

Polite and gentle, neat and trim, 
Then I would hint as much to you, 

And j T ou could hint as much to him. 
(Referring to book.) But here it says, in plainest print, 

" It's most unladylike to hint " 
You may not hint, 
You must not hint 
It says you mustn't hint, in print ! 
And if I loved him through and through 

(True love and not a passing whim), 
Then I could speak of it to you, 

And you could speak of it to him. 
But here I find it doesn't do 
To speak until you're spoken to. 
(Referring to book.) Where can it be? (Searching book.) 

Xow let me see (Finding reference.) 
" Don't speak until you're spoken to " ! 

[Exit HANNAH. 

Ease. Poor aunt ! Little did the good soul think, when she 
breathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even 
as well as another. But he resembleth all the youths in 
this village, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence, 
and lo, it is hard to bring him to the point. But soft, he is 
here ! [ROSE is about to go ivhen ROBIN enters and calls her. 

Rob. Mistress Rose ! 

Rose (surprised}. Master Robin ! 

Rob. I wished to say that it is fine. 

Rofe. It is passing fine. 

Rob. But we do want rain. 

Rose. Ay, sorely ! Is that all ? 

Rob. {sighing'). That is all. 

Rose. Good day, Master Robin ! 

Rob. Good day, Mistress Rose! {Both going both sto}>.} 

Rose. ) I crave pardon, I 

Rob. ] I beg pardon, I 

Rose. You were about to say ? 

Rob. I would fain consult you. 

Rose. Truly? 

Rob. It is about a friend. 

Rose. In truth I have a friend myself. 



224 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

Rob. Indeed ? I mean, of course- 



Rose. And I would fain consult you 

Rob. (anxiously). About him ? 

Rose (prudishly). About her. 

Ro~b. (relieved). Let us consult one another. 

DUET. ROBIN AND ROSE. 

Hob. I know a youth who loves a little maid 

(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !) 
Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid 

(Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be !) 
Rose. I know a maid who loves a gallant youth, 

(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) 
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth 
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !) 

Rob. Poor little man ! 

Rose. Poor little maid ! 

Rob. Poor little man ! 

Rose. Poor little maid ! 

Both. Now, tell me pray, and tell me true. 

What in the world should the ( yo ^ g man \ do? 

| maiden j 

Rob. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep 

(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !) 
Daily he goes for to wail for to weep 

(Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be !) 
Rose. She's very thin and she's very pale 

(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) 
Daily she goes for to weep for to wail 
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !) 

Rob. Poor little maid ! 

Rose, Poor little man ! 

Rob. Poor little maid ! 

Rose. Poor little man ! 

Both, Now, tell me pray, and tell me true, 

What in the world should the I >'H n S man } do ? 

( maiden j 

Rose. If I were the youth I should offer her my name 

(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see !) 
Rob. If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame 

(Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be !) 
Rose. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day 

(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) 
Rob. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way 

(For I really do believe that timid youth will die !) 

Rose. Poor little man ! 

Rob. Poor little maid ! 

Rose. Poor little man ! 

Rob. Poor little maid ! 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 225 

4 in i ^J ^! m 

Both. I thank you, \ I for your counsel true ; 

(. ir ) j 

I'll tell that j Jg* ] what [ h h e e ] ought to do ! 

[Exit ROSE. 

7?o&. Poor child ! I sometimes think that if she wasn't quite 
so particular I might venture but no, no even then I should 
be unworthy of her ! [//e sits desponding. 

Enter OLD ADAM. 

Adam. My kind master is sad ! Dear Sir Ruthven Murga- 
troyd 

jRob. Hush ! As you love me, breathe not that hated name. 
Twenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that 
hideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed 
to the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day, 
for life, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent 
village under the name of Robin Oakapple. My younger 
brother, Despard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the 
title and its attendant curse. For twenty years I have been 
dead and buried. Don't dig me up now. 

Adam. Dear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not 
sworn to obey you for ever in all things ? Yet, as we are here 
alone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old 
man to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you 
by your own right title once more! (ROBIN assents.) Sir 
Ruthven Murgatroyd ! Baronet ! Of Ruddigore ! Whew ! 
It's like eight hours at the seaside ! 

Bob. My poor old friend ! Would there were more like you ! 

Adam. Would there were indeed ! But I bring you good 
tidings. Your foster-brother, Richard, has returned from sea 
his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself is 
even now in this very village ! 

Rob. My beloved foster-brother ? No, no it cannot be ! 

Adam. It is even so and see, he comes this way ! 

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. 

CHORUS. 
From the briny sea 

Comes young Richard, all victorious ! 
Valorous is he 

His achievements all are glorious ! 
Let the welkin ring 
With the news we bring 

Sing it shout it 

Tell about it- 
Safe and sound returneth he ! 
All victorious from the sea ! 

III. y 



225 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Enter RICHARD. The Girls welcome him as he greets old 

acqiiain tances. 

BALLAD. RICHARD. 

I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, 
And, off Cape Finistere, 

A merchantman we see, 
A Frenchman, going free, 
So we made for the bold Mounseer. 

D'ye see ? 

We made for the bold Mounseer. 

But she proved to be a Frigate and she up with her ports, 
And fires with a thirty-two ! 
It come uncommon near, 
But we answered a cheer, 
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo, 

D'ye see ? 
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo ! 

Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, 
" That chap we need not fear, 
We can take her, if we like, 
She is sartin for to strike, 
For she's only a darned Mounseer, 

D'ye see ? 

She's only a darned Mounseer ! 

But to fight a French fal-lal it's like hittin' of a gal- 
It's a lubberly thing for to do ; 
For we, with all our faults, 
Why, we're sturdy British salts, 
While she's only a Parley-voo, 

D'ye see? 
A miserable Parley-voo ! " 

So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, 
As we gives a compassionating cheer ; 
Froggee answers with a shout 
As he sees us go about, 
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, 

D'ye see? 

Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer ! 
And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek 
(Which is what them furriners do), 
And they blessed their lucky stars 
We were hardy British tars 
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, 

D'ye see ? 
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo ! 

[Exeunt Chorus, as ROBIN comes forward. 
Rob. Richard! 
Rich. Robin ! 
Rob. My beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend, 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 227 

welcome home again after ten long years at sea ! It is such 
deeds as you have just described that cause our flag to be loved 
and dreaded throughout the civilized world ! 

Rich. Why, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what we 
have done in the way of sparing life. I believe I may say, 
without exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has 
spared more French frigates than any craft afloat ! But 'taint 
for a British seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle 
and belay. (ROBIN sighs.) But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's 
brought you all a-cockbill? 

Rob. Alas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain ! 

Rich. You love in vain ? Come, that's too good ! Why 
you're a fine strapping muscular young fellow tall and strong 
as a to'-gaU'n-m'st taut as a fore-stay ay, and a barrow- 
knight to boot, if all had their rights ! 

Rob. Hush, Richard not a word about my true rank, which 
none here suspect. Yes, 1 know well enough that few men are 
better calculated to win a woman's heart than I. I'm a fine 
fellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love happy the girl 
who gets me, say I. But I'm timid, Dick; shy, nervous, 
modest, retiring, diffident, and I cannot tell her, Dick, I 
cannot tell her! Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I 
have of myself, and how little I deserve it. 

Rich. Robin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore 
that, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts' 
dictates ? 

Rob. Ay, Dick, and I've always kept that oath. In doubt, 
difficulty, and danger, I've always asked my heart what I should 
do, and it has never failed me. 

Rich. Right ! Let your heart be your compass, with a clear 
conscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on 
a bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands ! Well now, 
what does my heart say in this here difficult situation ? Why, 
it says, "Dick," it says (it calls me "Dick" acos it's known 
me from a babby) " Dick," it says, " you ain't shy yoii ain't 
modest speak you up for him as is ! '' Robin, my lad, just 
you lay me alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee, 
I'll spin her a yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together 
for life ! 

Rob. Will you do this thing for me? Can you, do you 
think? Yes. (Feeling his pulse.) There's no false modesty 
about you. Your, what I would call bumptious self-assertive- 
ness (I mean the expresssion in its complimentary sense), has 
already made you a bos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral 
of you in time, if you work it properly, you dear, incompetent 



228 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

old irnposter ! My dear fellow, I'd give ray right arm for one 
tenth of your modest assurance ! 

SONG. ROBIN. 

My boy, you may take it from me 
That, of all the afflictions accurst 
With which a man's saddled 
And hampered and addled, 
A diffident nature's the worst. 
Though clever as clever can be 
A Crichton of early romance 
You must stir it and stump it, 
And blow your own trumpet, 
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance, 

If you wish iu the world to advance, 
Your merits you're bound to enhance, 
You must stir it and stump it, 
And blow your own trumpet, 
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance ! 
Now take, for example, my case : 
I've a bright intellectual brain 
In all London city 
There's no one so witty 
I've thought so again and again. 
I've a highly intelligent face 

My features cannot be denied 
But, whatever I try, sir, 
I fail in and why, sir? 
I'm modesty personified ! 

If you wish in the world to advance, etc. 
As a poet, I'm tender and quaint 

I've passion and fervour and grace 
From Ovid and Horace 
To Swinburne and Morris, 
They all of them take a back place. 
Then I sing and I play and I paint : 
Though none are accomplished as I, 
To say so were treason : 
You ask me the reason? 
I'm diffident, modest, and shy ! 

If you wish in the world to advance, etc. 

{Exit ROBIN. 

Rich, (looking after Mm). Ab, it's a thousand pities he's 
such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk ! 
Well, I'll do my best for him. " Plead for him as though it 
was for your own father " that's what niy heart's a remarkin' 
to me just now. But, here she conies ! Steady ! Steady it is ! 

Enter KOSE he is much struck ~by her. 

By the Port Admiral, but she's a tight little craft ! Come, 
come, she's not for you, Dick, and yet she's fit to marry Lord 



THE WITCIPS CURSE. 229 

Nelson ! By the Flag of Old England, I can't look at her 
unmoved. 

Hose. Sir, you are agitated. 

Rich. Ay, ay, my lass, well said ! I am agitated, true 
enough ! took flat aback, my girl ; but 'tis naught 'twill pass. 
(Aside.) This here heart of mine's a dictatin' to me like any- 
think. Question is, have I a right to disregard its promptings ? 

Hose. Can I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it seemeth 

to me that thouart in sore trouble? This apple (Off wring 

a damaged apple.} 

Rich, (looking at it and returning it). No, uiy lass, 'taint 
that. I'm I'm took flat aback I never see anything like you 
in all my born days. Parbuckle me, if you ain't the loveliest 
gal I've ever set eyes on. There I can't say fairer than that, 
can I ? 

Hose. No. (Aside.) The question is, is it meet that an utter 
stranger should thus express himself? (Refers to booh.) Yes, 
"Always speak the truth." 

Rich. I'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own 
account, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but 
when I see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is 
the very lass for you, Dick speak up to her, Dick," it says 
(it calls me Dick acos we was at school together) " tell her 
all, Dick," it says, "never sail under false colours it's mean! " 
That's what my heart tells me to say, and in my rough, 
common-sailor fashion, I've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your 
reply. I'm a treuiblin', miss. Lookye here. (Holding out his 
hand.) That's narvousness ! 

Rose (aside). Now, how should a maiden deal with such an 
one ? (Consults book.) " Keep no one in unnecessary suspense." 
(Aloud.) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense. 
{Refers to book.) <( In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with 
apparent hesitation." (Aloud.) I take you, but with a certain 
show of reluctance. (Refers to book.) " Avoid any appearance 
of eagerness." (Aloud.) Though you will bear in mind that I 
am far from anxious to do so. (Refers to book.) " A little show 
of emotion will not be misplaced ! " (Aloud.) Pardon this tear ! 
( Wipes her eye.) 

Rich. Rose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in 
England! I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the 
Fleet, no matter who he's a huggin' of at this present moment ! 
But, axin' your pardon, miss (iviping his lips with his hand), 
might I be permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail 
under ? 

Rose (referring to book). " An engaged young lady should 



230 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

not permit too many familiarities." (Aloud.} Once ! (RICHARD 
kisses her) 

DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE, 

fiicfi. The battle's roar is over, 

O my love ! 
Embrace thy tender lover, 

O my love ! 
From tempests' welter, 

From war's alarms, 
O give me shelter 

Within those arms ! 
Thy smile alluring, 
All heart-ache curing, 
Gives peace enduring, 

O my love ! 

Rose. If heart both true and tender, 

O my love ! 
A life-love can engender, 

O my love ! 
A truce to sighing 

And tears of brine, 
For joy undying 

Shall aye be mine, 
And thou and I, love, 
Shall live and die, love, 
Without a sigh, love 

My own, my love ! 

Enter ROBIN, with Chorus of Bridesmaids. 

CHORUS. 

If well his suit has sped, 
Oh, may they soon be wed ! 
Oh, tell us, tell us, pray, 
What doth the maiden say ? 
In singing are we justified, 
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride " ? 

Rob. Well what news? Have you spoken to her? 

Rich. Ay, my lad, I have so to speak spoke her. 

Hob. And she refuses ? 

Rich. Why, no, I can't truly say she do. 

Rob. Then she accepts ! My darling ! (Embraces her.} 

BRIDESMAIDS. 

Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 
Let the nuptial knot be tied : 

In fair phrases 

Hymn their praises, 
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 






THE WITCH* S CURSE. 231 

Rose (aside, referring to her book}. Now, what should a 
maiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman ? 
Rich. Belay, my lad, belay. You don't understand. 
Rose. Oh, sir, belay, I beseech you ! 
Rich. You see, it's like this : she accepts but it's me ! 
Rol). You ! [RICHARD embraces ROSE. 

BRIDESMAIDS. 

Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 
When the nuptial knot is tied 

Rob. (interrupting angrily*). Hold your tongues, will you ! 
Now then, what does this mean ? 

Rich. My poor lad, my heart grieves for thee ; but it's like 
this : the moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to 
mention your name, my heart it up and it says, says it, " Dick, 
you've fell in love with her yourself," it says. " Be honest and 
sailor-like don't skulk under false colours speak up," it says, 
" take her, you dog, and with her my blessin' ! " 

BRIDESMAIDS. 
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! " 

Rob. Will you be quiet! Go away! (Chorus make faces 
at him and exeunt.} Vulgar girls ! 

Rich. What could I do? I'm bound to obey my heart's 
dictates. 

Rob. Of course no doubt. It's quite right I don't mind 
that is, not particularly only it's it is disappointing, you 
know. 

Rose (to ROBIN). Oh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst 
seek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have 
hearkened unto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner, 
and very poor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and 
thou hast fat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable 
dairy farm, and much corn and oil ! 

Rich. That's true, my lass ; but it's done now, ain't it, Rob? 

Rose. Still it maybe that I should not be happy in thy love. 
I am passing young, and little able to judge. Moreover, as to 
thy character I know naught ! 

Rob. Nay, Rose, I'll answer for that. Dick has won thy love 
fairly. Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick through 
thick and thin ! 

Diclc (with emotion). Thankye, messmate ! that's well said. 
That's spoken honest. Thankye, Rob! (Grasps his hand.) 

Rose. Yet methinks I have heard that sailors are but worldly 
men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful lives ! 

Rob. And what then? Admit that Dick is not a steady 



232 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

character, and that when he's excited he uses language that 
would make your hair curl. Grant that he does. It's the 
truth, and I'm not going to deny it. But look at his good 
qualities. He's as nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the 
talk of the fleet! 

Bich. Thankye, Rob! That's well spoken. T hanky e Rob ! 

Hose. But it maybe that he drinketh strong waters which do 
bemuse a man, and make him even, as the wild beasts of the 
desert ! 

Bob. Well, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for 
rum's his bane, and ever has been. He does drink I wou't 
deny it. But what of that Look at his arms tattooed to 
the shoulder ! (DiCK rolls up his sleeves.') No, no I won't hear 
a word against Dick ! 

Bose. But they say that mariners are but rarely true to those 
whom they profess to love ! 

Rob. Granted granted and I don't say that Dick isn't as 
bad as any of 'em. (DiCK chuckles.) You are, you know you 
are, you dog ! a devil of a fellow a regular out-and-out 
Lothario! But what then? You caa't have everything, and 
a better hand at turning-iu a dead-eye don't walk a deck ! 
And what an accomplishment that is in a family man ! No, 
no not a word against Dick. I'll stick up for him through 
thick and thin ! 

Eich. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've 
acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them 
no man should disobey. 

ENSEMBLE. RICHARD, ROBIX, BOSE. 
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide 
Your heart should be your only guide ; 
With summer sea and favouring wind 
Yourself in port you'll surely find. 

SOLO. RICHARD. 
My heart says, " To this maiden strike 

She's captured you. 
She's just the sort of girl you like 

You know you do. 
If other man her heart should gain, 

I shall resign." 
That's what it says to me quite plain. 

This heart of mine. 

SOLO. ROBIX. 
My heart says, "You've a prosperous lot. 

With acres wide ; 
You mean to settle all you've i_,ot 

Upon your bride. 



77JE WITCIPS CURSE. 233 

It don't pretend to shape my acts 

By word or sign ; 
It merely states these simple facts, 

This heart of mine ! 

SOLO. ROSE. 

Ten minutes since my heart said " white" 

It^now says "black." 
It then said " left "it now says " right " 

Hearts often tack. 
I must obey its latest strain 

You tell me so. [To RICHARD. 

But should it change its mind again, 

I'll let you know. 
[Turning from RICHARD to ROBIN who embraces her. 

E^ 7 SEMBLE. 

In sailing o'er life's ocean wide' 

No doubt the heart should be your guide, 

But it is awkward when you find 

A heart that does not know its mind ! 

[Exeunt ROBIN with ROSE and RICHARD, weepiny. 

Enter MAD MARGARET. She is wildly dressed in picturesque 
tatters, and is an obvious caricacture of theatrical mad- 
ness. 

. MARGARET. 



Cheerily carols the lark 

Over the cot. 

Merrily whistles the clerk 
Scratching a blot. 
But the lark 
And the clerk, 
I remark, 
Comfort me not ! 

Over the ripening peach 

Buzzes the bee. 
Splash on the billowy beach 
Tumbles the sea. 
But the peach 
And the beach 
They are each 
Nothing to me ! 

And why ? 

Who am I V 

Daft Madge ! Crazy Meg ! 
Mad Margaret ! Poor Peg ! 
He ! he ! he ! ha ! he ! (Chuckling.) 



234 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Mad, I ? 

Yes, very ! 
But why ? 
Mystery ! 
Don't call ! 
Whisht! whisht! 

No crime 
'Tis only 
That I'm ' 
Love lonely ! 
That's all"! 
Whisht! whisht! 

BALLAD. 

To a garden full of posies 

Cometh one to gather flowers, 
And he wanders through its bowers 

Toying with the wanton roses, 
Who, uprising from their beds, 
Hold on high their shameless heads, 

With their pretty lips a-pouting, 

Never doubting never doubting 
That for Cytherean posies 
He would gather aught but roses ! 

In a nest of weeds and nettles, 

Lay a violet, half-hidden, 

Hoping that his glance unbidden 
Yet might fall upon her petals, 

Though she lived alone, apart, 

Hope lay nestling at her heart, 
But, alas, the cruel awaking 
Set her little heart 1 abreaking, 

For he gathered for his posies 

Only roses only roses ! [Bursts into tears. 

Enter ROSE. 

Rose. A maiden, and in tears? Can I do aught to soften 
tby sorrow? This apple (Offering apple.) 

Mar. (examines it and rejects it). No ! {Mysteriously.') Tell 
me, are you mad ? 

Rose. I ? No ! That is, I think not. 

Mar. That's well! Then you don't love Sir Despard 
Murgatroyd ? All mad girls love him. / love him. I'm poor 
Mad Margaret Crazy Meg Poor Peg ! He ! he ! he ! he ! 
( Chuckling.) 

Rose. Thou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore ? Oh, horrible 
too horrible? 

Mar. You pity me ? Then be my mother ! The squirrel 
had a mother ; but she drank, and the squirrel fled ! Hush ! 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 235 

They sing a brave song in our parts it runs somewhat 
thus : (Sings.") 

" The cat and the dog and the little puppee 
Sat down in a down in a in a " 

I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes ! Listen 
I've come to pinch her ! 
Rose. Mercy, whom ! 
Mar. You mean " who. 1 ' 

Rose. Nay ! it is the accusative after the verb. 
Mar. True. ( Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to 
pinch Rose Maybud ! 

Rose (aside, alarmed'). Rose Maybud ! 

Mar. Ay ! I love him he loved me once. But that's all 
gone. Fisht ! He gave me an Italian glance thus (Business.) 
and made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and 
make her his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her stamp 
on her stamp on her ! Did you ever kill anybody ? No ? 
Why not? Listen I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed, 
and I wouldn't have it. So it died pop ! So shall she ! 

Rose. But behold, / am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not 
die " pop." 

Mar. You are Rose Maybud ! 
Rose. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud ! 

Mar. Strange ! They told me she was beautiful ! And he 
loves you ! No, no ! If I thought that, I would treat you as 
the auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird I would 
rend you asunder ! 

Rose. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another, 
and lo, we are to be wedded this very clay ! 

Mar. Swear me that ! Come to a Commissioner and let me 
have it on affidavit! / once made an affidavit but it died 
it died it died ! But see, they come Sir Despard and his 
evil crew ! Hide, hide they are all mad quite mad ! 
Rose. What makes you think that ? 

Mar. Hush ! They sing choruses in public. That's mad 
enough, I think ! Go hide away, or they will seize you. 
Hush ! Quite softly quite, quite softly ! 

[Exeunt together, on tiptoe. 

Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded ly Chorus of 

Bridesmaids. 

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. 

Welcome, gentry, 
For your entry 
Sets our tender hearts a-beating. 



236 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Men of station, 
Admiration 
Prompts this unaffected greeting. 

Hearty greeting offer we ! 

Your exceeding- 
Easy breeding 

Just the thing our hearts to pillage- 
Cheers us, charms us, 
Quite disarms us : 

Welcome, welcome, to our village ; 

To our village welcome be ! 



CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES. 

"When thoroughly tired 

Of being admired 
By ladies of gentle degree degree, 

With flattery sated, 

High-flown and inflated, 
Away from the city we flee we flee ! 

From charms intramural 
To prettiness rural 
The sudden transition 
Is simply Elysian, 
So come, Amaryllis, 
Come, Chloe and Phyllis, 
Your slaves, for the moment, are we 

All From charms intramural, etc. 



CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. 

The sons of the tillage 
Who dwell in the village 

Are people of lowly degree degree. 
Though honest and active 
They're most unattractive, 

And awkward as awkward can be can 
They're clumsy clodhoppers 
With axes and choppers, 
And shepherds and ploughmen, 
And drovers and cowmen, 
And hedgers and reapers, 
And carters and keepers, 

But never a lover for me ! 

All. They're clumsy clodhoppers, etc. 

All. So welcome, gentry 



Sets j ^[j. ; tender hearts a-beatiug, etc. 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 237 

Enter SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD. 

SONG AND CHORUS. SIR DESPARD. 

Sir D. Oh, why am I moody and sad V 

Ch. Can't guess ! 

Sir D. And why am I guiltily mad ? 

Ch. Confess ! 

Sir D. Because I am thoroughly bad ! 

Ch. Oh yes 

Sir D. You'll see it at once in my face. 

Oh, why am I husky and hoarse ? 
Ch. Ah, why ? 

Sir 2). It's the workings of conscience, of course. 
Ch. Fie, fie ! 

Sir D. And huskiness stands for remorse, 
Ch. Oh my ! 

Sir D. At least it does so in my case ! 

Sir D. When in crime one is fully employed 

Ch. Like you 

Sir D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed : 

Ch. It do. 

Sir D. It's a penalty none can avoid ; 

Ch. How true! 

Sir D. I once was a nice-looking youth ; 

But like stone from a strong catapult 
Ch. (explaining to each other). A trice 

Sir 1). I rushed at my terrible cult 

Ch. (explaining to each other). That's vice 

Sir D. Observe the unpleasant result ! 
Ch. Not nice. 

Sir D. Indeed I am telling the truth ! 

Sir D. Ob, innocent, happy though poor ! 

Ch. That's we 

Sir D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure 

Ch. Like me 

Sir D. I should be as nice-looking as you're ! 

Ch. May be. 

Sir D. You are very nice-looking indeed ! 

Oh, innocents, listen in time 
Ch. We doe, 

Sir D, Avoid an existence of crime 
Ch. Just so 

Sir D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm 
Ch. (loudly). No! No! 

Sir D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed. 

[All the Girls express their horror of SIR DESPARD. As 
he approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken, 
leaving him alone on the stage. 

Sir. D. Poor children, how they loathe me me whose hands 
are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart 



238 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

of a little child ! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a 
whole picture-gallery of ancestors step down from their frames 
and threaten him with an excruciating death, if he hesitate 
to commit his daily crime ? But, ha 1 ha ! I am even with 
them ! {Mysteriously.} I get my crime over the first thing in 
the morning, and then, ha ! ha ! for the rest of the day I do 
good I do good I do good ! {Melodramatically.'} Two days 
since, I stole a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday 
I robbed a bank and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry 
off Hose May bud, and atone with a cathedral ! This is what 
it is to be the sport and toy of a Picture Gallery ! But I 
will be bitterly revenged upon them! I will give them all 
to the Nation, and nobody shall ever look upon their faces 



again ! 



Enter RICHARD. 

Rich. Ax your honour's pardon, but 

Sir D. Ha ! observed ! And by a marin.r ! What would 
you with me, fellow ? 

Rich. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's man, becalmed 
in the doldrums. 

Sir D. I don't know them. 

Rich. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does 
your honour know what it is to have a heart ? 

Sir D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete 
apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through 
the veins and arteries of the human body. 

Rich. Ay, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks 
you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life 
and death to disobey V 

Sir D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a 
Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty. 

Rich. Well, your honour, it's like this. Your honour had an 
elder brother 

Sir D. It had. 

Rich. Who should have inherited your title and, with it, its 
cuss. 

Sir D. Ay ; but he died. Oh, Ruthven ! 

Rich. He didn't. 

Sir D. He did not ? 

Rich. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here very 
village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going to 
marry Rose Maybud this very day. 

Sir D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud ! 
Can this be possible ? 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 239 

Rich. Now tho question 1 was going to ask your honour is 
ought I to tell your honour this ? 

Sir D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you 
ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so. 

Rich. That's what my heart says. It says, " Dick," it says 
(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty) " that 
there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he 
really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young 
gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to 
bring her to ? No," it says, " you did not ought." And I won't 
ought, accordin'. 

Sir D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me that 
my elder brother lives that I may charge him with his cruel 
deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under 
which I have laboured for so many years ! Free free at last ! 
Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted by 
all who knew me ! 

DUET. Siu DKSPAUD AND RICHARD. 

Rich. You understand ? 

Sir D. I think I do ; 

With vigour unshaken 

This step shall be taken. 
It's neatly planned. 
Rich. I think so too ; 

I'll readily bet it 

You'll never regret it ! 

Both. For duty, duty must be done ; 

The rule applies to every one, 
And painful though that duty be, 
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee ! 

Sir D. The bridegroom comes 

Rich. Likewise the bride 

The maidens are very 

Elated and merry ; 
They are her chums. 
Sir 1). To lash their pride 

Were almost a pity, 

The pretty committee ! 

Both. But duty, duty must be done, 

The rule applies to every one, 
And painful though that duty be, 
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee ! 

{Exeunt RICHARD and SIR DESPAKD 



240 RUDDIGORE : OR, 

Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks. 
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS. 

Hail the bride of seventeen summers ; 

In fair phrases 

Hymn her praises ; 
Lift your song on high, all comers. 

She rejoices 

In your voices. 

Smiling summer bears upon her, 
Shedding every blessing on her : 

Maidens, greet her 

Kindly treat her 
You may all be brides some clay ! 

CHORUS OF BUCKS. 
Hail the bridegroom who advances, 

Agitated, 

Yet elated. 
He's in easy circumstances, 

Young and lusty, 

True and trusty : 
Happiness untold awaits them 
When the parson consecrates them ; 

People near them, 

Loudly cheer them 
You'll be bridegrooms some fine day ! 

Enter ROBIN, attended % RICHARD and OLD ADAM, meeting 
ROSE, attended ~by ZORAH and DAME HANNAH. ROSE and 
ROBIN embrace. 

MADRIGAL. 

Piose. Where the buds are blossoming, 

Smiling welcome to the spring, 
Lovers choose a wedding-day- 
Life is love in merry May ! 

Girls. Spring is green Fal lal la ! 

Summer's rose Fal lal la ! 
All. It is sad when summer goes, 

Fal la ! 
Men. Autumn's gold Fal lal la ! 

Winter's gray Fal lal la ! 

AIL Winter still is far away 

Fal la ! 

Leaves in autumn fade and fall, 
Winter is the end of all. 
Spring and summer teem with glee : 
Spring and summer, then, for me ! 
Fal la ! 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 241 

Hannah. In the spring-time seed is sown : 

In the summer grass is mown : 
In the autumn you may reap : 
Winter is the time for sleep. 

Giils. Spring is hope Fal lal la ! 

Summer's joy Fal lal la ! 
-I//. Spring and summer never cloy, 

Fal la ! 
Men. Autumn, toil Fal lal la ! 

Winter, rest Fal lal la ! 
All. Winter, after all, is best 

Fal la ! 

All. Spring and summer pleasure you, 

Autumn, ay, and winter too 
Every season has its cheer 
Life is lovely all the vear ! 
Fal la ! 

GAVOTTE. 

After Gavotte, enter SIR DESPARD. 

Sir D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other, 

I claim young Robin as my elder brother ! 
Hob. (aside). Ah, lost one ! 
tiir D. His rightful title I have long enjoyed : 

I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd ! 
Hose, (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should. 

It is a plot ! 
Hob. I would, if conscientiously I could, 

But I cannot ! 
All. Ah, base one ! 

SOLO. ROBIX. 
As pure and blameless peasant, 

I cannot, I regret, 
Deny a truth unpleasant, 

I am that Baronet ! 
All. He is that Baronet ! 

But when completely rated 

Bad baronet am I, 
That I am what he's stated 

I'll recklessly deny ! 

AIL He'll recklessly deny ! 

Hob. When I'm a bad bart. I will tell taradiddles ! 
All. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad bart. 

jiub. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles. 
All. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part ! 

Jiob. But until that takes place I must be conscientious 
All. He'll be conscientious until that takerf place. 

Rob. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious ! 
All. To morals sententious adieu with good grace ! 

Zor. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee? 

Let him stand forth ! 
III. ll 



242 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

Rich, (coming forward). 'Twas I ! 
All. Die, traitor ! 

Rich. Hold, my conscience made me ! 

Withhold your wrath ! 

SOLO. RICHARD. 

Within this breast there beats a heart 

Whose voice can't be gainsaid. 
It bade me thy true rank impart, 

And I at once obeyed. 
I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate 
I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great 
But did I therefore hesitate '? 

No ! I at once obeyed ! 

All. Acclaim him who, when his true heart 

Bade him young Robin 1 s rank impart, 

Immediately obeyed ! 

SOLO. ROSE (addressing ROBIX). 

Farewell ! 

Thou hadst my heart 
'Twas quickly won ! 
But now we part 
Thy face I shun ! 
Farewell ! 

Go bend the knee 

At Vice's shrine, 
Of life with me 
All hope resign. 

Farewell ! 

(To Sir Dcspard.) Take me I am thy bride ! 

Hurrah ! 

BRIDESMAIDS. 

Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 
W T hen the nuptial knot is tied ; 
Every day will bring some joy 
That can never, never cloy ! 

Enter MARGARET, ivho listens. 

Sir 1). Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now 
-Rose. That's why I wed you ! 

Sir D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow ! 
Mar. Have I misread you? 

Oh, joy ! with newly kindled rapture warmed, 

I kneel before you ! [Kneels. 

Sir D. I once disliked you ; now that I've reformed, 

How I adore you ! [ They embrace. 

BRIDESMAIDS. 

Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 
When the nuptial knot is tied ; 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 243 

Every day will bring some joy 
That can never, never cloy ! 

Rose. Richard, of him I love bereft, 

Through thy design, 
Thou art the only one that's left, 

So I am thine ! [ The]] embrace. 

BRIDESMAIDS. - 

Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! 
Let the nuptial knot be tied ! 

DUET. ROSE AND RICHARD. 
Oh, happy the lily 

When kissed by the bee ; 
And, sipping tranquilly, 

Quite happy is he ; 
And happy the filly 

That neighs in her pride ; 
But happier than any 
A pound to a penny, 
A lover is, when he 

Embraces his bride ! 

DUET. SIR DESPARD AND MARGARET. 
Oh, happy the flowers 

That blossom in June, 
And happy the bowers 

That gain by the boon, 
But happier by hours 

The man of descent, 
Who, folly regretting, 
Is bent on forgetting 
His bad baroneting, 

And means to repent ! 

TRIO. HANNAH, ADAM, AND ZORAH. 
Oh, happy the blossom 

That blooms on the lea, 
Likewise the opossom 

That sits on a tree, 
But when you come across 'em, 

They cannot compare, 
With those who are treading 
The dance at a wedding, 
While people are spreading 

The best of good fare ! 

SOLO. ROBIN. 
Oh, wretched the debtor 

Who's signing the deed ! 
And wretched the letter 

That no one can read ! 



244 RUDDIGORE; OR, 

But very much better 
Their lot it must be 

Than that of the person 

I'm making this verse on, 

Whose head there's a curse on- 
Alluding to me ! 

Bepeat Ensemble with Chorus. 
DANCE. 

[At the end of the dance ROBIN falls senseless on the 
stage. Picture. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. Picture Gallery in Buddigore Castle. The walls are 
covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of Buddi- 
f/orefrom the time of JAMES I. the first being that of SIR 
RUPERT, alluded to in the legend ; the last, that of the last 
deceased Baronet, SIR RODERIC. 

Enter ROBIN and ADAM, melodramatically. They are greatly 
altered in appearance, ROBIN ivearing the haggard aspect of 
a guilty roue ; ADAM, that of the wicked steward to such 
a man. 

DUET. RODIX AND ADAM. 

Jlo'i. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb. 

I'm now Sir Murgatroyd ha ! ha ! 
With greater precision, 
(Without the elision) 
Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd ha ! ha ! 

Adam. And I, who was once his ralley-de-sham, 

As steward I'm now employed ha ! ha ! 

The dickens may take him 

I'll never forsake him ! 
As steward I'm now emploj^ed ha ! ha ! 

Both. How dreadful when an innocent heart 

Becomes, perforce, a bad j T oung Bart., 
And still more hard on old Adam 
His former faithful valley-de-sham! 

Bob. This is a painful state of things, Old Adam ! 

Adam. Painful, indeed ! Ah, my poor master, when I swore 
that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever, 
1 little thought to what a pass it would bring me ! The con- 
fidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung ! Now, sir, to 
business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day ? 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 245 

Rob. How should I know ? As my confidential adviser, it's 
your duty to suggest something. 

Adam. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good old 
man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is 
here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their 
marriage. Poison their beer. 

Hob. No not that I know I'm a bad Burt., but I'm not as 
bad a Bart, as all that. 

Adam. Well, there you are, you see ! It's no use my making 
suggestions if you don't adopt them. 

Rob. (melodramatically'). How would it be, do you think, 
were I to lure him here with cunning wile bind him with good 
stout rope to yonder post and then, by making hideous faces 
at him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very 
marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme 
well planned? 

Adam. It would be simply rude nothing more. But soft 
they come! 



ADAM and ROBIX retire up as RICHARD and RO.SE enter, preceded 
by Chorus of Bridesmaids. 

DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE. 

/.'(Vi. Happily coupled are we, 

You see 

I am a jolly Jack Tar, 
My star, 

And you are the fairest, 
The richest and rarest 
Of innocent lasses, you are, 

By far 

Of innocent lasses you are ! 
Fanned by a favouring gale, 

You'll sail 
Over life's treacherous sea 

With me, 

And as for bad weather, 
We'll brave it together, 
And you shall creep under my Ice, 

My wee ! 

And you shall creep under my lee ! 
For you are such a smart little craft- 
Such a neat little, sweet little craft. 
Such a bright little, tight little, 
Slight little, light little, 
Trim little, prim little craft ! 

Chorus. For she is such, etc. 



246 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Rose. My hopes will be blighted, I fear. 

My dear; 
In a month you'll be going to sea, 

Quite free, 

And all of my wishes 
You'll throw te the fishes 
As though they were never to be ; 

Poor me ! 

As though they were never to be, 
And I shall be left all alone 

To moan, 
And weep'at your cruel deceit, 

Complete ; 

While you'll be asserting 

Your freedom by flirting 

With every woman you meet, 

You cheat 

With every woman you meet ! 
Though I am such a smart little craft- 
Such a neat little, sweet little craft. 
Such a bright little, tight little, 
Slight little, light little, 
Trim little, prim little craft ! 

Chorus. Though she is such, etc. 

Enter ROBIN. 

Rob. Soho ! pretty one in my power at last, eh ? Know ye 
not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bid- 
ding, would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.) 
What ho ! within there ! 

Rich. Hold we are prepared for this. (Producing a Union 
Jack.) Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while 
this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does 
not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her ! 

Rol>. Foiled and by a Union Jack ! But a time will come, 
and then 

Rose. Nay, let rne plead with him. (To ROBIN.) Sir Ruthven, 
have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about 
to be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet 
with a curse on him, is not considered. Time was when you 
loved me madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by accord- 
ing your consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not 
you yourself, is the next best thing your dearest friend ! 

BALLAD. ROSE. 
In bygone days I had thy love, 

Thou liadst my heart. 
But Fate, all human vows above, 

Our lives did part ! 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 247 

By the old love them hadst for me, 
By the fond heart that beat for thee 
By joys that never now can be, 
Grant thou my prayer ! 

AIL (kncdiny}. Grant thou her prayer ! 

Rob. (rccit.). Take her I yield. 

All. (rccit.). Oh, rapture ! 

Chorus. Away to the parson we go 

Say we're solicitous very 
That he will turn two into one- 
Singing hey, clerry down derry ! 

Rich. For she is such a smart little craft. 

Rose. Such a neat little, sweet little craft 

Rich. Such a bright little 

Rose. Tight little 

Rich. Slight little 

Rose. Light little 

Both. Trim little, slim little craft ! 

Chorus. For she is such a smart little craft, etc. 

[Exeunt all but ROBIN. 

Rob. For a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom ! I have 
duly committed a crime a-day ! Not a great crime, I trust, but 
still in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be, a 
crime. But will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what 
I have done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge ? 
{Addressing Pictures?) Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood, 
there came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and 
every, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome 
Death to free you from your cloying guiltiness. Let the sweet 
psalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and 
tune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity ! (Kneeling?) 
[The stage darkens for ci moment. It becomes light again, 
and the Pictures are seen to have become animated. 

CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITS. 

Painted emblems of a race, 

All accurst in days of yore, 
Each from his accustomed place 

Steps into the world once more. 

[The Pictures step from their frames and march round 
the stage. 

Baronet of Ruddigore, 

Last of our accursed line, 
Down upon the oaken floor- - 

Down upon those knees of thine. 
Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer, 
Brbckhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer, 



248 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper, 
Sniffler, snuffler, waller, weeper, 
Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil ! 
Set upon thy course of evil 
Lest the King of Spectre-Land 
Set on thee his grisbr hand ! 

[The spectre of SIR RODEKIC descends from his frame. 

Sir Rod. By the curse upon our race 

Chorus. Dead and hearsed 

All accursed ! 

Sir Rod. Each inheriting this place 

Chorus. Sorrows shake it ! 

Devil take it ! 

Sir Rod. Must, perforce, or yea or nay 

Chorus. Yea or naying 

Be obeying ! 

Sir Hod. Do a deadly crime each day ! 

Chorus. Fire and Thunder, 

We knocked under 
Some atrocious crime committed 
Daily ere the world we quitted ! 
Sir Rod. Beware ! beware ! beware ! 

Rob. Gaunt vision, who art thou, 

That thus, with icy glare 
And stern relentless brow, 
Appearest, who knows how ? 
Sir Rod. J am the spectre of the late 

Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, 
Who comes to warn thee that thy fate 

Thou canst not now avoid. 
Rob. Alas, poor ghost ! 

Sir Rod. The pity you 

Express, for nothing goes : 
We spectres are a jollier crew 

Than you, perhaps, suppose ! 
Chorus. Yes ! yes ! 

We spectres are a jollier crew 
Than you, perhaps, suppose ! 
Ha ! ha ! 

SONG. SIR RODERIC. 
When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the 

moonlight flies, 

And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight skies 
When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs bay 

the moon, 

Then is the spectre's holiday then is the ghosts' high-noon ! 
Chorus. Ha ! ha ! 

Then is the ghosts' high-noon ! 

As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the_trees, and the mists lie low.on 

the fen, 
From grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women 

and men, 






THE WITCH'S CURSE. 249 

And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that cads too soon, 
For cockcrow limits our holiday the dead of the night's high- noon i 
Chorus. Ha ! ha ! 

The dead of the night's high-noon ! 

And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds 

take flight. 

With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim "good- 
night ; " 

Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its j oiliest tune, 
And ushers our next high holiday the dead of the night's high-noon ! 
Chorus. Ha ! ha ! 

The dead of the night's high-noon ! 

Rob. I recognize you now you are the picture that han^s at 
the end of the gallery. 

Sir Rod. In a bad light. I am. 

Rob. Are you considered a good likeness ? 

Sir Rod. Pretty well. Flattering. 

Rob. Because, as a work of art you are poor. 

Sir Rod. I am crude in colour, but I have only been painted 
ten years. In a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master, 
and then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me. 

Rob. And may I ask why you have left your frames ? 

Sir Rod. It is our duty to see that our successors commit 
their daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion. 
It is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions 
under which you are permitted to exist. 

Rob. Keally I don't know what you'd have. I've only been 
a bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually 
every day. 

Sir Rod. Let us inquire into this. Monday? 

Rob. Monday was a Bank Holidav. 

Sir Rod. True. Tuesday? 

Rob. On Tuesday I made a false income-tax return. 

All. Ha ! ha ! 

1st Ghost. That's nothing. 

2nd Ghost. Nothing at all. 

3rd Ghost. Everybody does that. 

4th Ghost. It's expected of you. 

Sir Rod. Wednesday ? 

Rob. (melodramatically). On Wednesday I forged a will. 

Sir Rod. Whose will ? 

Rob. My own. 

Sir Rod. My good sir, you can't forge your own will ! 

Rob. Can't I, though! I like that! I did! Besides, if a 
man can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge? 



250 RUDDIGORE j OA\ 



Ghost. There's something in that. 

2nd Ghost. Yes ; it seems reasonable. 

3rd Ghost. At first sight it does. 

4th Ghost. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy ! 

Rob. A man can do what he likes with his own ? 

Sir Hod. I suppose he can. 

Rob. Well, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid! On 
Thursday I shot a fox. 

1st Ghost. Hear, hear ! 

Sir Hod. That's better. (Addressing Ghosts.) Pass the 
fox, I think? (They assent.} Yes, pass the fox. Friday? 

Rob. On Friday I forged a cheque. 

Sir Rod. Whose cheque ? 

Rob. Old Adam's. 

Sir Rod. But old Adam hasn't a banker. 

Rob. I didn't say I forged his banker I said I forged his 
cheque. On Saturday I disinherited my only son. 

Sir Rod. But you haven't got a son. 

Rob. No not yet. I disinherited him in advance, to save 
time. You see by this arrangement he'll be born ready 
disinherited. 

Sir Rod. I see. But I don't think you can do that. 

Rob. My good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son, 
whose unborn son can I disinherit ? 

Sir Rod. Humph ! These arguments sound very well, but 
I can't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic 
form, they wouldn't hold water. Now quite understand us. 
We are foggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed 
upon. Unless you undertake to well, suppose we say, carry 
off a lady ? (Addressing Ghosts.) Those who are in favour of 
his carrying off a lady - (All hold up their hands except a 
Bishop.) Those of the contrary opinion? (Bishop holds up 
his hands. ) Oh, you're never satisfied ! Yes, unless you under- 
take to carry off a lady at once I don't care what lady 
any lady choose your lady you perish in inconceivable 



agonies. 



Rob. Carry off a lady? Certainly not, on any account. I've 
the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything of 
the kind for worlds ! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet 
I assure you ! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go 
back to your frames. 

Sir Rod. Very good then let the agonies commence. 

[Ghosts make passes. KOBIN begins to ivrithe in agony. 

Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Don't do that ! I can't stand it ! 

Sir Rod. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees. 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 251 

Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Stop a bit ! Stop it, will you ? I want to 
speak. 

[SiR KODERIC makes signs to Ghosts, wlio resume their 
attitudes. 

Sir Hod. Better ? 

Eob. Yes better now ! Whew ! 

Sir Hod. Well, do you consent ? 

Rob. But it's such an ungentlcmanly thing to do ! 

Sir Rod. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on ! 

Rob. Stop I can't stand it ! I agree ! I promise ! It shall 
be done ! 

Sir Rod. To-day? 

Eob. To-day! 

Sir Rod. At once ? 

Rob. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it 
was anything like that ! 

CHORUS. 

He yields ! He answers to our call ! 

We do not ask for more. 
A sturdy fellow, after all, 

This latest Euddigore ! 
All perish in unheard-of woe 

Who dare our wills defy ; 
We want your pardon, ere we go, 
For having agonized you so 

So pardon us 

So pardon us 

So pardon us 

Or die ! 

Rob. I pardon you ! 

I pardon you ! 
AU. He pardons us 

Hurrah ! 

[The Ghosts return to their frames. 

Chorus. Painted emblems of a race, 

All accurst in days of yore, 
Each to his accustomed place 

Steps unwillingly, once more ! 

\_By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again. 
ROBIN is overcome by emotion. 

Enter ADAM. 

Adam. My poor master, you are not well 

Rob. Gideon Crawle, it won't do I've seen 'em all my 
ancestors they're just gone. They say that I must do some- 



252 RUDDJGORE , OR, 

thing desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go go 
to yonder village carry off a maiden bring her here at once 
any one I don't care which 

Adam. But 

Hob. Not a word, but obey ! Fly ! [Exit. APAM. 

RECITATIVE AND SOXG. ROBIX. 

Away, Remorse ! 

Compunction, hence ! 
Go, Moral Force ! 

Go, Penitence ! 
To Virtue's plea 

A long farewell- 
Propriety, 

I ring your knell ! 
Come guiltiness of deadliest hue, 
Come desperate deeds of derring do ! 

Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times 

I've promised to perpetrate daily ; 
To-morrow I start, with a petrified heart, 

On a regular course of Old Bailey. 
There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking, 

And several other disgraces 
There's postage-stamp prigging, and then, thimble-rigging, 

The three-card delusion at races ! 
Oh ! a Baronet's rank is exceedingly nice, 
But the title's uncommonly dear at the price ! 

Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the shires, 

Where petty distinctions are vital, 
Who found Athenreums and local museums, 

With views to a baronet's title 
Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers 

Who sneer at all things that are tradey 
Whose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives 

Who long to parade as " My Lady," 
Oh ! allow me to offer a word of advice, 
The title's uncommonly dear at the price ! 

Ye supple M.P.'s, who go down on your knees, 

Your precious identity sinking, 
And vote black or white as your leaders indite 

(Which saves you the trouble of thinking), 
For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame, 

You don't care the snuff of a candle 
But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name 

Will be graced by a baronet's handle 
Oh ! allow me to give you a word of advice 
The title's uncommonly dear at the price ! 

[Exit ROBIN. 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 253 

Enter SIR DESPARD and MARGARET. Tliey are loth dressed in 
sober black of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to 
their appearance in Act 1. 

DUET. 

Des. I once was a very abandoned person 

Mar. Making the most of evil chances. 

Des. Nobody could conceive a worse 'un 

Mar. Even in all the old romances. 

DCS. I blush for my wild extravagances, 

But be so kind 

To bear in mind, 

Mar. We were the victims of circumstances ! [Dance. 

That is one of our blameless dances. 

Mar. I was an exceedingly odd young lady 

'Des. Suffering much from spleen and vapours. 

Mar. Clergymen thought my conduct shady 

Des. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers. 

Mar. It certainly entertained the gapers. 

My ways were strange 

Beyond all range 

Des. And paragraphs got into all the papers. [Dance. 

Des. We only cut respectable capers. 

Des. I've given up all my wild proceedings. 

Mar. My taste for a wandering life is waning. 

Des. Now I'm a dab at penny-readings. 

Mar. They are not remarkably entertaining. 

Des. A moderate livelihood we're gaining. 

Mar. In fact we rule 

A National School. 

DCS. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining, [Dunce. 

This sort of thing takes a deal of training ! 

Des. We have been married a week. 

Mar. One happy, happy week ! 

Dts. Our new Hie 

Mar. Is delightful indeed! 

Des. So calm ! 

Mar. So unimpassioned ! {Wildly.) Master, all this I owe 
to you ! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is 
combed. My face is washed. My boots fit ! 

Des. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself, liemember, 
you are now a district visitor. 

Mar. A gentle district visitor ! 

Des. You are orderly, methodical, neat ; you have your 
emotions well under control. 

Mar. I have ! (Wildly.) Master, when I think of all you 
have done for me, I fall at your feet. I embrace your ankles. 
I hug your knees ! (Doing so.) 



254 RUDDIGORE; OR, 

Des. Hush. This is not well. This is calculated to provoke 
remark. Be composed, I beg / 

Mar. Ah ! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret ! 

Des. No, not angry ; but a district visitor should learn to 
eschew melodrama. Visit the poor, by all means, and give 
them tea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were ad- 
ministering a bowl of deadly nightshade. It upsets them. 
Then, when you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as 
could be expected, why go into hysterics ? 

Mar. Why not ? 

Des. Because it's too jumpy for a sick-room. 

Mar. How strange ! Oh, Master ! Master ! how shall I 

express the all-absorbing gratitude that (About to throw 

herself at his feet.) 

Des. Now! (Warningfy.) 

Mar. Yes, I know, dear it shan't occur again. (He is seated 
she sits on the ground by him.) Shall I tell you one of poor 
Mad Margaret's odd thoughts ? Well, then, when I am lying 
awake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the 
latticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad 
brain, and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some 
word for you to use whenever I am about to relapse some 
word that teems with hidden meaning like " Basingstoke " it 
might recall me to my saner self. For, after all, 1 am only 
Mad Margaret ! Daft Meg ! Poor Meg ! He ! he ! he ! 

Des. Poor child, she wanders ! But soft some one comes. 
Margaret, pray recollect yourself Basiugstoke, I beg ! Mar- 
garet, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously 
angry. 

Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is ! 

Des. Then make it so. 

Enter ROBIN. He starts on seeing them. 

Rob. Despard ! And his young wife ! This visit is un- 
expected. 

Mar. Shall I fly at him ? Shall I tear him limb from limb ? 
Shall I rend him asunder ? Say but the word, and 

Des. Basingstoke! 

Mar. (suddenly demure). Basingstoke it is ! 

Des. (aside). Then make it so. {Aloud.) My brother I 
call you brother stili, despite your horrible profligacy we 
have come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which 
you have committed yourself, and at any cost to become a pure 
and blameless ratepayer. 

Hob. But I've done no wrong yet. 



THE WITCirs CURSE. 255 

Mar. (wildly"). No wrong ! Pie has done no wrong ! Did 
you hear that ! 

Des. Basingstoke. 

Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is. 

Des. My brother I still call you brother, you observe you 
forget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet 
of Ruddigore for ten years and you are therefore responsible 
in the eye of the law for all the misdeeds committed by the 
unhappy gentleman who occupied your place. 

Rob. I see ! Bless my heart, I never thought of that ! Was 
I very bad ? 

Des. Awful. Wasn't he? (To MARGARET.) 

Rob. And I've been going on like this for how long ? 

Des. Ten years ! Think of all the atrocities you have com- 
mitted by attorney as it were during that period. Remember 
how you trifled with this poor child's affections how you raised 
her hopes on high (don't cry, my love Basingstoke, you know), 
only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very 
zenith of their fulness. Oh, fie, sir, fie she trusted you ! 

Rob. Did she ? What a scoundrel I must have been ! There, 
there don't cry, my dear (to MARGARET, ^vho is sobbing on 
ROBIN'S breast}, it's all right now. Birmingham you know- 
Birmingham 

Mar. (sobbing). It's Ba Ba Basingstoke ! 

Rob. Basingstoke ! of course it is Basingstoke. 

Mar. Then make it so ! 

Rob. There, there it's all right he's married you now 
that is, I've married you. (Turning to DESPARD.) I say, which 
of us has married her ? 

Des. Oh, I've married her. 

Rob. (aside). Oh, I'm glad of that. (To MARGARET.) Yes, he's 
married you now (passing her over to DESPARD), and anything 
more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've 
never even heard of. But my mind is made up I will defy 
my ancestors. I will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by 
courting death, atone in some degree for the infamy of my 
career ! 

Mar. I knew it I knew it. God bless you. (Hysterically.') 

Des. Basingstoke ! 

Mar. Basingstoke it is ! (Recovers herself.) 

PATTER-TRIO. 
ROBIN, DESPARD AND MARGARET. 

liob. My eyes are fully open to my awful situation 

I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration. 



256 RUDD1GORE ; OR, 

I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses, 
And I don't care twopence halfpenny for any consequences. 
Xow, I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger, 
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger, 
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter, 
But I've got to die to-morrow, so it really doesn't matter ! 

DCS. So it really doesn't matter 

Mar. So it really doesn't matter 

All. So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter ! 

Mar. If I were not a little mad and generally silly, 

I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy nilly ; 

I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question, 

And you'd really be astonished at the force of my suggestion. 

On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter, 

Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better, 

But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter, 

So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter ! 

DCS. Her opinion doesn't matter 

Rob. Her opinion doesn't matter 

All. Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter ! 

Des. If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother 

Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another 
"Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was 

erring, 

(Which is just the very favour which on you I am conferring). 
My story would have made a rather interesting idyll, 
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle. 
This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter 
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter ! 

Rob. If it is it doesn't matter 

Mar. If it ain't it doesn't matter 

All. If it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter ! 

[.Exeunt DESPARD and MARGARET. 

Enter ADAM. 

Adam (guiltily). Master the deed is done ! 

Rob. What deed? 

Adam. She is here alone, unprotected. 

Bob. Who? 

Adam. The maiden. I've carried her off- 1 had a hard task, 
for she fought like a tiger-cat ! 

Rob. Great Heaven, I had forgotten her! I Lad hoped to 
have died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again and by a 
tiger-cat ! Produce her and leave us ! 

[ADAM introduces OLD HANNAH, very much excited, and 
exit. 

Rob. Dame Hannah ! This is this is not what I expected. 

Han. Well, sir, and what would you with me? Oh, you 
have begun bravely bravely indeed ! Unappalled by the calm 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 257 

dignity of blameless womanhood, your minion has torn me 
from my spotless home, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking, 
through hedges, over stiles, and across a very difficult country, 
and left me, helpless and trembling, at your mercy ! Yet not 
helpless, coward sir, for, approach one step nay, but the 
twentieth part of one poor inch and this poniard (produces a 
very small dagger) shall teach ye what it is to lay unholy 
hands on old Stephen Trusty's daughter! 

Hob. Madam, I am extremely sorry for this. It is not at all 
what I intended anything more correct more deeply respectful 
than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible for 
any one however particular to desire. 

Han. Bah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words, 
hypocrite ! But be warned in time, for there are without, a 
hundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack hitn 
limb from limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen 
Trusty's daughter ! 

Rob. And this is what it is to embark upon a career of un- 
licensed pleasure ! 

[HANNAH, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of 
the armed figures, throws her small dagger to KOBIN. 

Han. Harkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am 
your poor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of 
myself you are very much mistaken. Now then, it's one to 
one, and let the best man win ! (Making for him.) 

Rob. (in an agony of terror). Don't! don't look at me like 
that ! I can't bear it ! Koderic ! Uncle ! Save me ! 

RODERIC enters, up trap in centre of stage. He is visible only 

as far as the ivaist. 

Rod. What is the matter? Have you carried her off? 

Rob. I have she is there look at her she terrifies me 
Come quite up and save me ! 

Rod. (looking at HANNAH). Little Nannikin ! 

Han. (amazed.) Koddy-doddy ! 

Rod. My own old love! (Comes completely through trap.) 
Why, how came you here ? 

Han. This brute he carried me off! Bodily! But I'll 
show him ! {About to rush at ROBIN.) 

Rod. Stop! (To ROB.) What do you mean by carrying off 
this lady? Are you aware that, once upon a time she was 
engaged to be married to me? I'm very angry very angry 
indeed. 

Rob. Now, I hope this will be a lesson to you in future, not 
to- 

III. S 



258 RUDDIGORE ; OR, 

Rod. Hold your tongue, sir. 

Rob. Yes, uncle. 

Rod. Have you given him any encouragement ? 

Han. (to ROB). Have I given you any encouragement? 
Frankly now, have I? 

Rob. No. Frankly, you have not. Anything more scrupu- 
lously correct than your conduct it would be impossible to 
desire. 

Rod. You go away. 

Rob. Yes, uncle. [Exit ROBIN. 

Rod. This is a strange meeting after so many years ! 

Han. Very. I thought you were dead. 

Rod. I am. I died ten years ago. 

Han. And are you pretty comfortable ? 

Rod. Pretty well that is yes, pretty well. 

Han. You don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the while, 
dear ; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all your 
goings on, you bad, bad boy ! 

BALLAD. HANNAH. 

There grew a little flower 

'Neath a great oak tree : 
When the tempest 'gan to lower 

Little heeded she : 
No need had she to cower, 
For she dreaded not its power 
She was happy in the bower 

Of her great oak tree ! 
Sing hey, 
Lackaday ! 
Let the tears fall free 
For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree ! 

Both. Sing hey, 

Lackaday ! etc. 

When she found that he was fickle, 

Was that great oak tree, 
She was in a pretty pickle, 

As she well might be 
But his gallantries were mickle 
For Death followed with his sickle, 
And her tears began to trickle 

For her great oak tree ! 
Sing hey, 
Lackaday ! etc. 

Said she, " He loved me never, 

Did that great oak tree, 
But I'm neither rich nor clever, 

And so why should he ? 



THE WITCH'S CURSE. 259 

But though fate our fortunes sever, 
To be constant I'll endeavour, 
Ay, for ever and for ever, 

To my great oak tree ! " 

Sing hey, 

Lackaday ! etc. 

[Falls weeping on RODERIC'S bosom. 

Enter ROBIN, excitedly, followed by all the diameters and 

Chorus of Bridesmaids. 

Rol). Stop a bit both of you. 

Rod. This intrusion is unmannerly. 

Han. I'm surprised at you. 

Rob. I can't stop to apologize an idea has just occurred to 
me. A Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to 
commit his daily crime. 

Rod. No doubt. 

Rob. Therefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is tanta- 
mount to suicide ! 

Rod. It would seem so. 

Rob. But suicide is, itself, a crime and so, by your own 
showing, you ought never to have died at all ! 

Rod. I see I understand ! Then I'm practically alive ! 

Rob. Undoubtedly ! (SiR ROBERIC embraces HANNAH.) Rose, 
when you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you 
loved me ? 

Rose. Madly, passionately ! 

Rob. But when I became a bad baronet, you very properly 
loved Richard instead ? 

Rose. Passionately, madly ! 

Rob. But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after 
all, how would you love me then ? 

Rose. Madly, passionately ! 

Rob. As before ? 

Rose. Why, of course ! 

Rob. My darling! (Tliej embrace.) 

Rich. Here, I say, belay. 

Rose. Oh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary. 

Rob. Belay ? Certainly not ! 

FINALE. 

Rob. Having been a wicked baronet a week, 

Once again a modest livelihood I seek, 
Agricultural employment 
Is to me a keen enjoyment, 
For I'm naturallv diffident and meek ! 



260 RUDD1GORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE. 

Rose. When a man has been a naughty baronet, 

And expresses his repentance and regret, 

You should help him if you're able, 

Like the rnousie in the fable. 
That's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette. 

lli:h. If you ask rne why I do not pipe my eye, 

Like an honest British sailor, I reply, 
That with Zorah for my missis, 
There'll be bread and cheese and kisses, 
Which is just the sort of ration I enjye ! 

DCS. and Mar. Prompted by a keen desire to evoke, 

All the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke, 
W T e shall toddle off to-morrow, 
From this scene of sin and sorrow, 
For to settle in the town of Basingstoke ! 

All. 'For happy the lily 

That's kissed by the bee ; 
And, sipping tranquilly, 

Quite happy is he ; 
And happy the filly 

That neighs in her pride ; 
But happier than any, 
A pound to a penny, 
A lover is, when he 

Embraces his bride ! 

CUETAIN. 



THE 

YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; 

OK, 

THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID 

A XE\V AXD ORIGINAL OPERA, 
IN TWO ACTS. 



produced at the Savoy Theatre, Lvndon, under the management of 
MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE, OH Wednesday, October yd, iSSS. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

SIR RICHARD CHOLMONDELEY, Lieute- 
nant of the Tower MR. W. BKOWXLOW. 

COLONEL FAIRFAX (under sentence of 

death) MR. COURTICE POUNDS. 

SERGEANT MERYLL, of the Yeomen of 

the Guard MR. RICHARD TEMPLE. 

LEONARD MERYLL, his Son MR. W. R. SHIRLEY. 

JACK POINT, a Strolling Jester MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH 

WILFRED SHADBOLT, Head Jailor and 

Assistant Tormentor MR. W. H. DENNY. 

THE HEADSMAN MR. RICHARDS. 

FIRST YEOMAN MR. WILBRAHAM. 

SECOND YEOMAN MR. MEDCALF. 

THIRD YEOMAN ... MR. MERTON. 

FOURTH YEOMAN MR. RUDOLF LEWIS. 

FIRST CITIZEN MR. REDMOND. 

SECOND CITIZEN MR. BOYD. 

ELSIE MAYNARD, a Strolling Singer ... Miss GERALDINE ULMAR. 

PHCEUE MERYLL, Sergeant Menjlfs 

Daughter Miss JESSIE BOND. 

DAME CARRUTHERS, Housekeeper to the. 

Tower ... Miss ROSIN A BRANDRAM. 

KATE, her Niece Miss ROSE HERVEY. 

Chorus of Yeomen of the. Guard, Gentlemen, Citizens, etc. 

SCENETOWER GREEN. 

DATE IGTii CENTURY. 



THE 

YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; 

OR, THE 

MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 

ACT I. 

SCENE. Tower Green. PHOEBE discovered spinning. 

SONG. PH<EBE. 
When maiden loves, she sits aud sighs, 

She wanders to and fro ; 
Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes, 
And to all questions she replies, 

With a sad heigho ! 
'Tis but a little word "heiglio ! " 
So soft, 'tis scarcely heard " heigho ! " 
An idle breath 
Yet life and death 
May hang upon a maid's " heigho ! " 

When maiden loves, she mopes apart, 

As owl mopes on a tree ; 
Although she keenty feels the smart, 
She cannot tell what ails her heart, 

With its sad " Ah me ! " 
'Tis but a foolish sigh" Ah me ! " 
Born but to droop and die " Ah me ! " 
Yet all the sense 
Of eloquence 
Lies hidden in a maid's " Ah me ! " [Weeps. 

Enter WILFHED. 
W'il Mistress Meryll ! 

Phce. (looking up). Eh ! Oh ! it's you, is it ! You may go 
away, if you like. Because I don't want you, you know. 



264 TffE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Wil. Haven't you anything to say to me? 

PhcB. Oh yes ! Are the birds all caged ? The wild beasts all 
littered down ? All the locks, chains, bolts, and bars in good 
order? Is the Little Ease sufficiently uncomfortable? The 
racks, pincers, and thumbscrews all ready for work ? Ugh ! 
you brute ! 

Wil. These allusions to my professional duties are in doubt- 
ful taste. I didn't become a head-jailor because I like head- 
jailing. I didn't become an assistant-tormentor because I like 
assistant-tormenting. We can't all be sorcerers, you know. 
(PHCEBE annoyed.) Ah ! you brought that upon yourself. 

Phce. Colonel Fairfax is not a sorcerer. He's a man of science 
and an alchemist. 

Wil. Well, whatever he is, he won't be one long, for he's to 
be beheaded to-day for dealings with the devil. His master 
nearly had him last night, when the fire broke out in the 
Beaucharnp Tower. 

Phce. Oh, how I wish he 'had escaped in the confusion! 
But take care ; there's still time for a reply to his petition for 
mercy. 

Wil. Ah ! I'm content to chance that. This evening at half- 
past seven ah ! 

Phce. You're a cruel monster to speak so unfeelingly of the 
death of a young and handsome soldier. 

Wil. Young and handsome ! How do you know he's young 
and handsome ? 

Phce. Because I've seen him every day for weeks past taking 
his exercise on the Beaucharnp Tower. (WILFRED utters a cry 
of agony.) There, I believe you're jealous of him, now. Jealous 
of a man I've never spoken to ! Jealous of a poor soul who's to 
die in an hour ! 

Wil. I am ! I'm jealous of everybody and everything. I'm 
jealous of the very words I speak to you because they reach 
your ears and I mustn't go near 'em ! 

Phce. How unjust you are ! Jealous of the words you speak 
to me ! Why, you know as well as I do, that I don't even like 
them. 

Wil. You used to like 'em. 

Phce. I used to pretend I liked them. It was mere politeness 
to comparative strangers. [Exit PHCEBE, ivifh spinning wheel. 

Wil. I don't believe you know what jealousy is ! I don't 
believe you know how it eats into a man's heart and disorders 
his digestion and turns his interior into boiling lead. Oh, you 
are a heartless jade to trifle with the delicate organization of the 
human interior! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 265 

Enter Crowd of Men and Women, followed ly Yeomen of the 
Guard, led ly SERGEANT MERYLL. 

CHORUS (as Yeomen march on). 

Tower Warders, 

Under orders, 
Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders ! 

Brave in bearing, 

Foemen scaring, 
In their bygone days of daring ! 

Ne'er a stranger 

There to danger- 
Each was o'er the world a ranger : 

To the story 

Of our glory 
Each a bold contributory ! 

CHORUS OF YEOMEX. 

In the autumn of our life 
Here at rest in ample clover, 
We rejoice in telling over 

Our impetuous May and June. 
In the evening of our day, 
With the sun of life declining, 
We recall without repining, 
All the heat of bygone noon. 

SOLO. SERGEANT. 

This the autumn of our life, 

This the evening of our day ; 
Weary we of battle strife, 

Weary we of mortal fray. 
But our year is not so spent, 

And our days are not so faded, 
But that we with one consent, 

Were our loved land invaded, 
Still would face a foreign foe, 
As in days of long ago. 

PEOPLE. YEOMEN T . 

Tower Warders, In the autumn time of life, etc. 

Under orders, etc. 

[Exeunt Crowd. Manent Yeomen. 

Enter DAME CARRUTHERS. 

Dame. A good day to you, Sergeant. 

Serg. Good day, Dame Carruthers. Busy to-day '? 

Dame. Busy, ay ! The fire in the Beauchamp last night has 
given me work enough. A dozen poor prisoners Richard 
Colfax, Sir Martin Byfleet, Colonel Fairfax, Warren the 
preacher-poet, and half a score others all packed into one 



266 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

small cell, not six feet square. Poor Colonel Fairfax, who's to 
die to-day, is to be removed to No. 14 in the Cold Harbour 
Tower that he may have his last hour alone with his confessor ; 
and I've to see to that. 

Serg. Poor gentleman ! He'll die bravely. I fought under 
him two years since, and he valued his life as it were a feather ! 
Phce. He's the bravest, the handsomest, and the best young 
gentleman in England ! He twice saved my father's life ; and 
it's a cruel thing, a Avicked thing, and a barbarous thing that so 
gallant a hero should lose his head for it's the handsomest 
head in England! 

Dame. For dealings with the devil. Ay ! if all were be- 
headed who dealt with him, there'd be busy doings on Tower 
Green. 

Phce. You know very well that Colonel Fairfax is a student 
of alchemy nothing more, and nothing less ; but this wicked 
Tower, like a cruel giant in a fairy-tale, must be fed with 
blood, and that blood must be the best and bravest in England, 
or it's not good enough for the old Blunderbore. Ugh ! 

Dame. Silence, you silly girl ; you know not what you say. 
I was born in the old keep, and I've grown grey in it, and, 
please God, I shall die and be buried in it ; and there's not a 
stone in its walls that is not as dear to me as my own right 
hand. 

SONG.' DAME CARRUTHERS. 
When our gallant Norman foes 
Made our merry land their own, 

And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying, 
At his bidding it arose, 
In its panoply of stone, 

A sentinel unliving and undying. 
Insensible, I trow, 
As a sentinel should be, 

Though a queen to save her head should come a-suing. 
There's a legend on its brow 
That is eloquent to me, 

And it tells of duty done and duty doing. 

"The screw may twist and the rack may turn, 
And men may bleed and men may burn, 
On London town and all its hoard 
I keep my solemn watch and ward ! " 

Chorus. The screw may twist, etc. 

AVithin its wall of rock 
The flower of the brave 

Have perished with a constancy unshaken. 
From the dungeon to the block, 
From the scaffold to the grave, 

Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken. 



THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 267 

And the wicked flames may hiss 
Round the heroes who have fought 

For conscience and for home in all its beauty ; 
But the grim old fortalice 
Takes little heed of aught 

That comes not in the measure of its duty. 

" The screw may twist and the rack may turn, 
And men may bleed and men may burn, 
On London town and all its hoard 
It keeps its silent watch and ward ! " 

[Exeunt all hut PHCEBE and SERGEANT MERYLL. 
Phoe. Father ! No reprieve for the poor gentleman ? 
Her. No, my lass ; but there's one hope yet. Thy brother 
Leonard, who, as a reward for his valour in saving his standard 
and cutting his way through fifty foes who would have hanged 
him, has been appointed a Yeoman of the Guard, will arrive 
this morning ; and as he comes straight from Windsor, where 
the Court is, it may be it may be that he will bring the 
expected reprieve with him. 
Phce. Oh, that he may ! 

Her. Amen ! For the Colonel twice saved my life, and I'd 
give the rest of my life to save his ! And wilt thou not be 
glad to welcome thy brave brother, with the fame of whose 
exploits all England is a-ringiug ? 

Phce. Ay, truly, if he brings the reprieve. 
Mer. And not otherwise ? 

Phce. Well, he's a brave fellow indeed, and I love brave 
men. 

Mer. All brave men ? 

Phce. Most of them, I verily believe ! But I hope Leonard 
will not be too strict with me they say he is a very dragon of 
virtue and circumspection ! Now, my dear old father is kind- 
ness itself, and 

Mer. And leaves thee pretty well to thine own ways, eh ? 
Well, I've no fears for thee; thou hast a feather-brain, but 
thou'rt a good lass. 

Phoe. Yes, that's all very true, but if Leonard is going to 
tell me that I may not do this and I may not do that, and I 
must not talk to this one, or walk with that one, but go 
through the world with my lips pursed up and my eyes cast 
down, like a poor nun who has renounced mankind why, as 
I have not renounced mankind, and don't mean to renounce 
mankind, I won't have it there ! 

Mer. Nay, he'll not check thee more than is good for thee, 
Phoebe ! 



268 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Enter LEONARD MERYLL. 

Leon. Father! 

Mer. Leonard ! my brave boy ! I'm right glad to see thee, 
and so is Phoebe ! 

Phce. Ay hast thou brought Colonel Fairfax's reprieve ? 

Leon. Nay, I have here a despatch for the Lieutenant, but no 
reprieve for the Colonel ! 

Phce. Poor gentleman ! poor gentleman ! 

Leon. Ay, I would I had brought better news. I'd give my 
right hand nay, my body my life, to save his ! 

Mer. Dost thou speak in earnest, my lad ? 

Leon. Ay I'm no braggart. Did he not save thy life? 
and am I not his foster-brother? 

Mer. Then hearken to me. Thou hast come to join the 
Yeomen of the Guard. 

Leon. Well! 

Mer. None has seen thee but ourselves ? 

Leon. And a sentry, who took but scant notice of me. 

Mer. Now to prove thy words. Give me the despatch, and 
get thee hence at once ! Here is money, and I'll send thee 
more. Lie hidden for a space, and let no one know. I'll con- 
vey a suit of yeoman's uniform to the Colonel's cell he shall 
shave off his beard so that none shall know him, and I'll own 
him as rny son, the brave Leonard Meryll, who saved his flag 
and cut his way through fifty foes who thirsted for his life. 
He will be welcomed without question by my brother-yeomen, 
I'll warrant that. Now, how to get access to his cell? (To 
PHCEBE.) The key is with thy sour-faced admirer, Wilfred 
Shad bolt. 

Phce. (demurely'). I think I say, I think I can get any- 
thing I want from Wilfred. I think I say, I think you may 
leave that to me. 

Mer. Then get thee hence at once, lad and bless thee for 
this sacrifice. 

Phce. And take my blessing too, dear, dear Leonard ! 

Leon. And thine, eh? Humph! Thy love is new-born, 
wrap it up, lest it take cold and die. 

TRIO. LEONARD, PHCEBE, MERYLL. 

Phce. Alas ! I waver to and fro 

Dark danger bangs upon the deed ! 

All. Dark danger hangs upon the deed ! 

Leon. The scheme is rash and well may fail ; 
But ours are not the hearts that quail 
The hands that shrink the cheeks that pale 
In hours of need ! 






THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 269 

All. No, ours are not the hearts that quail, 

The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale 
In hours of need ! 

Mer. The air I breathe to him I owe : 

My life is his I count it naught ! 
That life is his so count it naught ! 

Leon. And shall I reckon risks I rim 

AVhen services are to be done 
To save the life of such an one ? 
Unworthy thought ! 

-I'V. And shall we reckon risks we run 

To save the life of such an one ? 
Unworthy thought ! 

We may succeed who can foretell 
May Heaven help our hope farewell ! 

We may succeed who can foretell ? 
May Heaven help our hope fareAvell ! 

[LEONARD embraces MERYLL and PHCEDE, and then exit. 

FHCEBE iveeping. 

Mer. Nay, lass, be of good cheer, we may save him yet. 
Phce. Oh, see, father they bring the poor gentleman from 
the Beauchamp ! Oh, father ! his hour is not yet come? 

Mer. No, no they lead him to the Cold Harbour Tower to 
await his end in solitude. But softly the Lieutenant ap- 
proaches ! He should not see thee weep. 

Enter FAIRFAX, guarded. The LIEUTENANT enters, 

meeting him. 

Lieut. Halt ! Colonel Fairfax, my old friend, we meet but 
sadly. 

Fair. Sir, I greet you with all good-will ; and I thank you 
for the zealous care with which you have guarded me from the 
pestilent dangers which threaten human life outside. In this 
happy little community, Death, when he comes, doth so in 
punctual and business-like fashion ; and, like a courtly gentle- 
man, giveth due notice of his advent, that one may not be 
taken unawares. 

Lieut. Sir, you bare this bravely, as a brave man should. 

Fair. Why, sir, it is no light boon to die swiftly and surely 
at a given hour and in a given fashion ! Truth to tell, I 
would gladly have my life ; but if that may not be, I have the 
next best thing to it, which is death. Believe me, sir, my lot 
is not so much amiss ! 

Phce. (aside to MERYLL). Oh, father, father, I cannot bear it? 

Mer. My poor lass ! 



270 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Fair. Nay, pretty one, why weepest thou? Come, be com- 
forted. Such a life as mine is not worth weeping for. (Sees 
MEEYLL.) Sergeant Meryll, is it not? (To LIEUTENANT.) 
May I greet my old friend ? (Shakes MEEYLL'S hand.} Why, 
man, what's all this? Thou and I have faced the grim old 
king a dozen times, and never has his majesty come to me in 
such goodly fashion. Keep a stout heart, good fellow we are 
soldiers, and wo know how to die, thou and I. Take my word 
for it, it is easier to die well than to live well for, in sooth, 
I have tried both. 

BALLAD. FAIRFAX. 

Is life a boon ? 

If so, it must befal 

That Death, whene'er he call, 
Must call too soon. 

Though fourscore years he give, 

Yet one would pray to live 
Another moon ! 

What kind of plaint have I, 

Who perish in July? 

I might have had to die, 
PerchancCj in June ! 

Is life a thorn ? 

Then count it not a whit ! 

Man is well done with it ; 
Soon as he's born 

He should all means css:xy 

To put the plague away ; 
And I, war-worn, 

Poor captured fugitive, 

My life most gladly give 

I might have had to live 
Another morn ! 

\_At the end PH<EBE is led off, weeping, by MEEYLL. 

Fair. And now, Sir Kichard, I have a boon to beg. I am 
in this strait for no better reason than because my kinsman, 
Sir Clarence Poltwhistle, one of the Secretaries of State, has 
charged me with sorcery, in order that he may succeed to my 
estate, which devolves to him provided I die unmarried. 

Lieut. As thou wilt most surely do. 

Fair. Nay, as I will most surely not do, by your worship's 
grace ! I have a mind to thwart this good cousin of mine. 

Lieut. How? 

Fair. By marrying forthwith, to be sure ! 

Lieut. But, Heaven ha' mercy, whom wouldst thou marry ? 

Fair. Nay, 1 am indifferent on that score. Coming Death 
hath made of me a true and chivalrous knight, who holds all 



THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 271 

womankind in such esteem that the oldest, and the meanest, 
and the worst-favoured of them is good enough for him. So, 
my good Lieutenant, if thou wouhlst serve a poor soldier who 
has but an hour to live, find me the first that comes my 
confessor shall marry us, and her dower shall he my dis- 
honoured name and a hundred crowns to boot. No such poor 
dower for an hour of matrimony ! 

Lieut. A strange request. I doubt that I should be 
warranted in granting it. 

Fair. Tut tut! There never was a marriage fraught with 
so little of evil to the contracting parties. In an hour she'll 
be a widow, and I a bachelor again for aught I know ! 

Lieut. Well, I will see what can be done, for I hold thy 
kinsman in abhorrence for the scurvy trick he has played thee. 

Fair. A thousand thanks, good sir ; we meet again on this 
spot in an hour or so. I shall be a bridegroom then, and your 
worship will wish me joy. Till then farewell. (To guard.) 
I am ready, good fellows. 

[Exit ivitli guard into Cold Harbour Tower. 

Lieut. He is a brave fellow, and it is a pity that he should 
die. Now, how to find him a bride at sucji short notice? 
Well, the task should be easy ! [Exit. 

Enter JACK POINT and ELSIE MAYNARD, pursued by a crowd 
o/Mcn and Women. POINT and ELSIE are much terrified ; 
POINT, however, assuming an appearanee of self-possession. 

CHORUS. 

Here's a man of jollity, 

Jibe, joke, jollify ! 
Give us of your quality, 

Come, fool, follify ! 

If you vapour vapidly, 
River runneth rapidly, 

Into it we fling 

Bird who doesn't siug ! 

Give us an experiment 
In the art of merriment ; 

Into it we throw 

Cock who doesn't crow ! 

Banish your timidity, 
And with all rapidity 
Give us quip and quiddity 
Willy-nilly, ! 

River none can mollify ; 

Into it we throw 
Fool who doesn't follify, 

Cock who doesn't crow ! 



272 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Point (alarmed}. My masters, I pray you bear with us, 
and we will satisfy you, for we are merry folk who would make 
all merry as ourselves. For, look you, there is humour in all 
things, and the truest philosophy is that which teaches us to 
find it and to make the most of it. 

Elsie (struggling with one of the crowd}. Hands off, I say, 
unmannerly fellow ! (Pushing him away.} 

Point (to 1st Citizen). Ha! Didst thou hear her say, 
"Hands off?" 

1st Cit. Ay, I heard her say it, and I felt her do it ! What 
then ? 

Point. Thou dost not see the humour of that ? 

1st Cit. Nay, if I do, hang me ! 

Point. Thou dost not? Now observe. She said "Hands 
off ! " Whose hands ? Thine. Off what ? Off her. Why ? 
Because she is a woman. Now had she not been a woman, 
thine hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason 
for the laying on of hands is the reason for the taking off of 
hands, and herein is contradiction contradicted ! It is the 
very marriage of pro with con ; and no such lopsided union 
either, as times go, for pro is not more unlike con than man is 
unlike w r oman yet men and women marry every day with 
none to say " Oh, the pity of it," but I and fools like me ! 
Now wherewithal shall we please you ? We can rhyme you 
couplet, triolet, quatrain, sonnet, rondolet, ballade, what you 
will. Or we can dance you saraband, gondolet, carole, pimpernel 
or Jumping Joan. 

Elsie. Let us give them the singing farce of the Merry man 
and his Maid therein is song and dance too. 

All. Ay, the Merryman and his Maid ! 

DUET. POINT AND ELSIE. 
Point. I have a song to sing, O ! 

Elsie. Sing me your song, ! 

Point. It is sung to the moon 

By a love-lorn loon, 
Who fled from the mocking throng, ! 
It's the song of a merryman, moping mum, 
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum 
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye. 
Heighdy ! heighdy ! 
Misery me, lackadaydee ! 
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye. 

Elsie. I have a song to sing, ! 



THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 273 

Point. Sing me 3 r our song, ! 

Elsie. It is sung with the ring 

Of the songs maids sing 
Who love with a love life-long, ! 
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud 
Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud 
At the moan of the merrymau, moping mum, 
Whose soul was sore, whose glance was glum, 
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 
Heighdy ! heighdy ! 
Misery me, lackadaydee ! 

He sipped no sup, etc. 

Point. I have a song to sing, ! 

Elsie. Sing me 3 T our song, ! 

Point. It is sung to the knell 

Of a churchyard bell, 
And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O ! 
It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born, 
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn 
At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud, 
Who loved that lord, and who laughed aloud 
At the moan of the merryrnan, moping mum, 
Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum, 
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 

Both. Heighdy ! heighdy ! 

Misery me, lackadaydee ! 

He sipped no sup, etc. 

Elsie. I have a song to sing, ! 

Point. Sing me your song, ! 

Elsie. It is sung with a sigh 

And a tear in the eye, 
For it tells of a righted wrong, ! 
It's a song of a merrymaid, once so gay, 
Who turned on her heel and tripped away 
From the peacock popinjay, bravely born, 
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn 
At the humble heart that he did not prize : 
So she begged on her knees, with downcast eyes, 
For the love of the merry man, moping mum, 
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum, 
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, 

As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 
Both. Heighdy ! heighdy ! 

Misery me, lackada} r dee ! 
His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more, 
For he lived in the love of a ladye ! 

1st Git. Well sung and well danced ! 

2nd Cit. A kiss for that, pretty maid ! 

ii r. T 



274 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

All. Ay, a kiss all round. 

Elsie (drawing dagger). Best beware ! I am armed ! 
Point. Back, sirs back ! This is going too far. 
2nd Cit. Thou dost not see the humour of it, eh ? Yet there 
is humour in all things even in this. (Trying to kiss her.) 
Elsie. Help! help! 

Enter LIEUTENANT, with guard. Crowd falls lack. 

Lieut. What is this pother ? 

Elsie. Sir, I sang to these folk, and they would have repaid 
me with gross courtesy, but for your honour's coming. 

Lieut, (to Mob). Away with ye ! Clear the rabble. (Guards 
push crowd off, and go off with them.) Now, my girl, who are 
you, and what do you here ? 

Elsie. May it please you, sir, we are two strolling players, 
Jack Point and I, Elsie Maynard, at your worship's service. 
We go from fair to fair, singing, and dancing, and playing brief 
interludes ; and so we make a poor living. 

Lieut. You two, eh ? Are ye man and wife ? 

Point. No, sir; for though I'm a fool, there is a limit to 
my folly. Her mother, old Bridget Maynard, travels with us 
(for Elsie is a good girl), but the old woman is a-bed with 
fever, and we have come here to pick up some silver, to buy an 
electuary for her. 

Lieut. Hark ye, my girl ! Your mother is ill ? 

Elsie. Sorely ill, sir. 

Lieut. And needs good food, and many things that thou 
canst not buy? 

Elsie. Alas ! sir, it is too true. 

Lieut. Wouldst thou earn a hundred crowns ? 

Elsie. An hundred crowns ! They might save her life ! 

Lieut. Then listen! A worthy, but unhappy gentleman 
is to be beheaded in an hour on this very spot. For sufficient 
reasons, he desires to marry before he dies, and he hath asked 
me to find him a wife. Wilt thou be that wife ? 

Elsie. The wife of a man I have never seen ! 

Point. Why, sir, look you, I am concerned in this ; for though 
I am not yet wedded to Elsie Maynard, time works wonders, 
and there's no knowing what may be in store for us. Have 
we your worship's word for it that this gentleman will die 
to-day ? 

Lieut. Nothing is more certain, I grieve to say. 

Point. And that the maiden will be allowed to depart the 
very instant the ceremony is at an end. 






THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 275 

Lieu*. The very instant. I pledge my honour that it shall 
be so. 

Point. An hundred crowns ? 

Lieut. An hundred crowns ! 

Point. For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak. 

TJUO. ELSIE, POINT, LIEUT. 
Lieut. How say you, maiden, will you wed 

A man about to lose his head ? 
For half an hour 

You'll be a wife, 
And then the dower 
Is yours for life. 
A headless bridegroom why refuse ? 

If truth the poets tell, 
Most bridegrooms, ere they marry, lose 
Both head and heart as well ! 

Elsie. A strange proposal you reveal, 

It almost makes my senses reel. 
Alas ! I'm very poor indeed, 
And such a sum I sorely need. 
My mother, sir, is like to die, 
This money life may bring, 
Bear this in mind, I pray, if I 
Consent to do this thing ! 

Point. Though as a general rule of life 

I don't allow my promised wife, 
My lovely bride that is to be, 
To marry any one but me, 

Yet if the fee is promptly paid, 
And he, in well-earned grave, 
Within the hour is duly laid, , 
Objection I will waive ! 
Yes, objection I will waive ! 

All. Temptation, oh temptation, 

Were we, I pray, intended 
To shun, whate'er our station, 
Your fascinations splendid ; 
Or fall, whene'er we view you, 
Head over heels into you ! 

Temptation, oh temptation, etc. 

[During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED 
(ivho has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE'S ey<* 
with a kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour 
Tower. 

Lieut. And so, good fellow, you are a jester ? 
Point. Ay, sir, and, like some of my jests, out of place. 
Lieut. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are 
your qualifications for such a post. 



275 THE YEOMEN OF TPIE GUARD ; OR, 

Point. Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you 
extempore ; I can convulse you with quip and conundrum ; I 
have the lighter philosophies at my tongue's tip ; I can be 
merry, wise, quaint, grim, and sardonic, one by one, or all at 
once ; I have a pretty turn for anecdote ; I know all the jests 
ancient and modern past, present, and to come ; I can riddle 
you from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content you 
not, well on to midnight and the small hours. 'Oh, sir, a pretty 
wit, I warrant you a pretty, pretty wit ! 

KECIT AND SONG. POINT. 

I've jest and joke 

And quip and crank. 
For lowly folk 

And men of rank. 
I ply my craft 

And know no fear, 
I aim my shaft 

At prince or peer. 

At peer or prince at prince or peer, 
I aim my shaft and know no fear ! 

I've wisdom from the East and from the West, 

That's subject to no academic rule ; 
You may find in it the jeering of a jest, 

Or distil it from the folly of a fool. 
I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind ; 

I can trick you into learning with a laugh ; 
Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find 

A grain or two of truth among the chaff ! 

I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, 

The upstart I can wither with a whim ; 
He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, 

But his laughter has an echo that is grim ! 
When they're offered to the world in merry guise, 

Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will 
For he who'd make his fellow-creatures wise 

Should always gild the philosophic pill ! 

Lieut. And how came you to leave your last employ '? 

Point. Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of 
my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family circle. In truth I 
ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir Wherein lay the difference 
between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was 
pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that 
whereas His Grace was paid ten thousand pounds a year for 
being good, poor Jack Point was good for nothing. 'Twas 
but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped 
me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 277 

parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified 
clergy. 

Lieut. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence. 
I have daughters. 

Point. Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and anything 
objectionable is expunged. If your honour pleases, I will try 
them first on you honour's chaplain. 

Lieut. Can you give me an example ? Say that I had sat me 
down hurrriedly on something sharp ? 

Point. Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur 
of the moment. 

Lieut. Humph. I don't think much of that. Is that the 
best you can do ? 

Point. It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try 



again. 



Lieut. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is 
but half cooked. 

Point. Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone 
cannot be helped. 

Lieut. I see. I think that manner of thing would be some- 
what irritating. 

Point. At first, sir, perhaps ; but use is everything, and you 
would come in time to like it. 

Lieut. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen, 
wench under my very nose. 

Point. Under her very nose, good sir not under yours ! 
That is where 1 would kiss her. Do you take me ? Oh, sir, 
a pretty wit a pretty, pretty wit ! 

Lieut. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will 
discuss this matter at length in my library. 

Point. I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trust 
I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more serious topic, 
can you tell me, sir, why a cook's brain-pan is like an over- 
wound clock ? 

Lieut. A truce to this fooling follow me. 

Point. Just my luck ; my best conundrum wasted ! 

[Exeunt. 

Enter ELSIE from Tower, fulloiued by WILFRED, who removes 
the bandage from her eyes. 

RECITATIVE AND BALLAD. ELSIE. 

Tis done ! I am a bride ! Ob, little ring, 
That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness 

That lovers hope for, and that poets sing, 
What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness ? 



278 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise, 
To-day he dies ! To-day, alas, he dies ! 

Though tear and long-drawn sigh 

111 fit a bride, 
No sadder wife than I 

The whole world wide ! 
Ah me ! Ah rue ! 
Yet maids there be 
Who would consent to lose 
The very rose of youth, 

The flower of life, 
To be, in honest truth, 
A wedded wife, 

No matter whose ! 

Ere half an hour has rung, 

A widow I ! 

Ah, Heaven, he is too young, 
Too brave to die ! 

Ah me ! Ah me ! 
Yet wives there be 
So weary worn, I trow, 

That they would scarce complain, 

So that they could 
In half an hour attain 
To widowhood, , 

No matter how ! 

[Exit ELSIE as WILFRED comes doicn. 

Wil. (looking after ELSIE). 'Tis an odd freak, for a dying 
man and his confessor to be closeted alone with a strange singing 
girl. I would fain have espied them, but they stopped up the 
keyhole. My keyhole ! 

Enter PHCEBE with MERYLL, who carries a bundle. MERYLL 
remains in the background, unobserved by WILFRED. 

Phce. (aside). Wilfred and alone! Now to get the keys 
from him. (Aloud.) Wilfred has no reprieve arrived ? 

Wil. None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die. 

Phce. Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for the 
poor condemned gentlemen. 

Wil. I know that he who is about to die is more to thee than 
I, who am alive and well. 

Phce. Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do they 
not say that a live ass is better than a dead lion ! No, I don't 
mean that ! 

Wil They say that, do they ? 

Phce. It's nnpardonably rude of them, but I believe they put 
it in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who art clever 
beyond all telling ! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 279 

Wil. Oh yes ; as an assistant tormentor, 

Phce. As a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophic com- 
mentator on the vanity of human resolution. 

[PHCEBE slyly takes bunch of keys from WILFRED'S waist- 
band, and hands them to MERYLL, who enters the 
Toiver, unnoticed l)y WILFRED. 

Wil. Truly, I have seen great resolution give way under my 
persuasive methods. ( Working a small thumbscrew.) In the 
nice regulation of a screw in the hundredth part of a single 
revolution lieth all the difference between stony reticence and 
a torrent of impulsive unbosoming that the pen can scarcely 
follow. Ha ! ha ! I am a mad wag. 

Phce. (with a grimace). Thou art a most light-hearted and 
delightful companion, Master Wilfred. Thine anecdotes of the 
torture-chamber are the prettiest hearing. 

\\ r il. I'm a pleasant fellow an I choose. I believe I am 
the merriest dog that barks. Ah, we might be passing happy 
together 

Phce. Perhaps. I do not know. 

Wil. For thou wouldst make a most tender and loving wife. 

Phce. Ay, to one whom I really loved. For there is a 
wealth of love within this little heart, saving up for I wonder 
whom ? Now, of all the world of men, I wonder whom ? To 
think that he whom I am to wed is now alive and somewhere ! 
Perhaps far away, perhaps close at hand ! And I know 
him not ! It seemeth that I am wasting time in not knowing 
him. 

Wil. Now, say that it is I nay ! suppose it for the nonce. 
Say that we are wed suppose it only say that thou art my 
very bride, and I thy cheery, joyous, bright, frolicsome husband 
and that the day's work being done, and the prisoners stored 
away for the night, thou and 1 are alone together with a long, 
long evening before us ! 

Phce. (ivith a grimace). It is a pretty picture but I scarcely 
know. It cometh so unexpectedly and yet and yet were I 

thy bride 

Wil. Ay ! wert thou my bride ! 

Phce. Oh, how I would love thee ! 

BALLAD. PHOEBE. 

Were I thy bride, 
Then the whole world beside 
Were not too wide 

To hold my wealth of love 
Were I thv bride ! 



280 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR, 

Upon thy breast 
My loving head would rest, 
As on her nest 

The tender turtle-dove 
Were I thy bride ! 

This heart of mine 
Would be one heart with thine, 
And in that shrine 

Our happiness would dwell 
Were I thy bride ! 

And all day long 
Our lives should be a song : 
No grief, no wrong 

Should make my heart rebel 
Were I thy bride ! 

The silvery flute. 
The melancholy lute, 

Were night owl's hoot 

To my love-whispered coo 
Were I thy bride ! 

The skj-lark's trill 
Were but discordance shrill 
To the soft thrill 

Of wooing as I'd woo 
Were I thy bride ! 

MERYLL re-enters ; gives keys to PHCEBE, who replaces them at 
WILFRED'S girdle, unnoticed by him. 

The rose's sigh 
Were as a carrion's cry 
To lullaby 

Such as I'd sing to thee, 
Were I thy bride ! 

A feather's press 
Were leaden heaviness 
To my caress. 

But then, of course, you see 
I'm not thy bride ! 

[Exit PHCEBE. 

Wil. No, thou'rt not not yet ! But, Lord, how she woo'd ! 
I should be no mean judge of wooing, seeing that I have been 
more hotly woo'd than most men. I have been woo'd by maid, 
widow, and wife. I have been woo'd boldly, timidly, tearfully, 
shyly by direct assault, by suggestion, by implication, by 
inference, and by innuendo. But this wooing is not of the 
common order : it is the wooing of one who must needs woo me, 
if she die for it ! [Exit WILFRED. 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 281 

Enter MERYLL, cautiously , from Tower. 

Mer. (looking after them). The deed is, so far, safely accom- 
plished. The slyboots, how she wheedled him ! What a help- 
less ninny is a love-sick man ! He is but as a lute in a woman's 
hands she plays upon him whatever tune she will. But the 
Colonel comes. I' faith he's just in time, for the Yeomen parade 
here for his execution in two minutes. 

Enter FAIRFAX, without beard and moustache, and dressed in 

Yeomen's uniform. 

Fair. My good and kind friend, thoti runnest a grave risk 
for me ! 

Mer. Tut, sir, no risk. I'll warrant none here will recognize 
you. You make a brave yeoman, sir ! So this ruff is too 
high ; so and the sword should hang thus. Here is your 
halbert, sir, carry it thus. The yeomen come. Now, remember, 
you are my brave son, Leonard Meryll. 

Fair. If I may not bear mine own name, there is none other 
I would bear so readily. 

Mer. Now, sir, put a bold face on it ; for they come. 

Enter Yeomen of the Guard. 
RECITATIVE. SERGEANT MERYLL. 
Ye Tower Yeomen, nursed in war's alarms, 

Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory, 
Behold my son, whose all-subduing arms 

Have formed the theme of many a song and story. 
Forgive his aged father's pride ; nor jeer 
His aged father's sympathetic tear ! 

[Pretending to lucep. 
CHORUS. 
Leonard Meryll ! 
Leonard Meryll ! 
Dauntless he in time of peril ! 
Man of power, 
Knighthood's flower, 
Welcome to the grim old Tower ! 
To the Tower, welcome thou ! 

RECITATIVE. FAIRFAX. 

Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation, 
I have small claim to such consideration : 
The tales that of my prowess have been stated 
Are all prodigiously exaggerated ! 

CHORUS. 
'Tis ever thus ! 

Wherever valour true is found, 
True modesty will there abound. 



282 



THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 



1st Yeoman. 



Chorus. 



2nd Yeoman. 



Chorus. 



Fa Ir. 



'Tis ever thus ; 

Wherever valour true is found, 
True modesty will there abound. 

COUPLETS. 

Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll ! 

Standard lost in last campaign, 
Rescue it at deadly peril 

Bear it bravely back again ? 

Leonard Meryll, at his peril, 
Bore it bravelj" back again ! 

Didst thou not, when prisoner taken, 
And debarred from all escape, 

Face, with gallant heart unshaken, 
Death in most appalling shape ? 

Leonard Meryll faced his peril, 
Death in most appalling shape ! 

Truly I was to be pitied, 

Having but an hour to live, 
I reluctantly submitted, 

I had no alternative ! 
Oh ! the facts that have been stated 

Of my deeds of derring-do, 
Have been much exaggerated, 
Very much exaggerated, 
Monstrously exaggerated ! 

Scarce a word of them is true ! 



Enter PHCEBE. She rushes to FAIRFAX and embraces him. 

KECITATIVE. 

Phce. Leonard ! 

Fair, (puzzled). I beg your pardon? 

Phce. Don't you know me ? 

I'm little Phcebe ! 

Fair, (still puzzled). Phoebe? Is this Phcebe ? 

My little Phcebe ? (Aside.) Who the deuce may site be ? 
It can't be Phcebe, surelv ? 

Wil. Yes, 'tis Phoebe- 

Tin' sister Phcebe ! 

All. Ay, he sptaks the truth ; 

Tis Phoebe ! 

Fair, (pretending to recognize her). Sister Phcebe ! 

Phce. Oh, my brother ! (Embrace.) 

Fair. Why, how you've grown ! I did not recognize you ! 

Phce. So many years ! Oh, brother ! (Embrace.) 

Fair. Oh, my sister ! 

Wil. Ay, hug him, girl ! There are three thou mayst hug 
Thy father and thy brother and myself ! 

Fair. Thyself, forsooth ? And who art thou thyself ? 






THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID 283 

Wit. Good sir, we arc betrothed. (FAIRFAX turns inquiringly to 

PHCEBE.) 
Phoc. Or more or less 

But rather less than more ! 
TV/7. To thy fond care 

I do commend thy sister. Be to her 

An ever-watchful guardian eagle-eyed ! 

And when she feels (as sometimes she does feel) 

Disposed to indiscriminate caress, 

Be thou at hand to take those favours from her ! 
All. Yes, yes, 

Be thou at hand to take those favours from her ! 
Ph(K. (in FAIRFAX'S arms). Yes, yes, 

Be thou at hand to take those favours from me ! 

Tuio. WILFRED, FAIRFAX, AND PIICEBE. 

Wil. To thy fraternal care 

Thy sister I commend ; 
From every lurking snare 

Thy lovely charge defend : 

And to achieve this end, 
Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon- 
She shall not quit thy sight : 
From morn to afternoon 

From afternoon to night 
From seven o'clock to two 

From two to eventide 
From dim twilight to 'leven at night 

She shall not quit thy side ! 

All. Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon, etc. 

r/toc. So amiable I've grown, 

So innocent as well, 
That if I'm left alone 

The consequences fell : 

No mortal can foretell. 
So grant, I pray, this boon 

I shall not quit thy sight : 
From morn to afternoon 

From afternoon to night 
From seven o'clock till two 

From two till day is done 
From dim twilight to 'leven at night 

All kinds of risk I run ! 

All. So grant, I pray, this boon, etc. 

Fair. With brotherly readiness, 

For my fair sister's sake, 
At once I answer " Yes " 
That task I undertake 
My word I never break 
I freely grant that boon, 
And I'll repeat my plight. 



284 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 



From morn to afternoon 
From afternoon to night 

From seven o'clock to two 
From two to evening meal 



Kiss. 
Kiss. 
Kiss. 
K>ss. 



From dim twilight to 'leven at night 
That compact I will seal. [A'>'ss. 

All. He freely grants that boon, etc. 

[The Bell of St. Peter's begins to tolL Tlie crowd enters ; 
the block is brought on to the stage, and the Heads- 
man takes Ms place. The Yeomen of the Guard 
form up, FAIRFAX and two others entering the 
White Tower, to briny the prisoner to execution. 
The LIEUTENANT enters and takes his place, and 
tells off FAIRFAX and two others to bring the prisoner 
to execution. 

CHORUS (to tolling accompaniment). 

The prisoner comes to meet his doom ; 

The block, the headsman, and the tomb. 

The funeral bell begins to toll 

May Heaven have mercy on his soul ! 

SOLO. ELSIE, with Chorus. 
Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone 

So many a captive on ; 
Of all immured within these walls, 

The very worthiest falls ! 

Enter FAIRFAX and two other Yeomen //'oi Tower in great 

excitement. 

My lord ! my lord ! I know not how to tell 

The news I bear ! 
I and my comrades sought the prisoner's cell 

He is not there ! 
All. He is not there ! 

They sought the prisoner's cell he is not there ! 

TRIO. FAIRFAX AND Two YEOMEN. 

As escort for the prisoner 

We sought his cell, in duty bound ; 
The double gratings open were, 

No prisoner at all we found ! 
We hunted high, we hunted low, 

We hunted here, we hunted there 
The man we sought, as truth will show. 

Had vanished into empty air ! 
All. Had vanished into empty air ! 

The man they sought with anxious care 
Had vanished into empty air ! 
Girls. Now, by our troth, the news is fair, 

The man hath vanished into air ! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 



285 



All. As escort for the prisoner 

They sought his cell in duty bound, etc. 
Lieut. Astounding news ! The prisoner fled. 
(To WILI--KED). Thy^life shall forfeit be instead ! 

[WILFRED is arrested. 
Wilfred. My lord, I did not set him free, 
I hate the man my rival he ! 

[WILFRED is taken away. 
Meryll. The prisoner gone I'm all agape ! 

Who could have helped him to escape ? 
Phccbc. Indeed I can't imagine who ! 

I've no idea at all have yon ? 
Dame, Of his escape no traces lurk 

Enchantment must have been at work ! 
Elsie (aside to POINT). What have I done ! Oh, woe is me ! 

I am his wife, and he is free ! 

Point. Oh, woe is you i Your anguish sink ! 

Oh, woe is me, I rather think ! 
Oh, woe is me, I rather think ! 
Yes, woe is me, I rather think ! 
Whate'er betide 
You are his bride, 
And I am left 
Alone bereft ! 
Yes, woe is me, I rather think 
Yes, woe is me, I rather think ! 



de- 



mi sbegot- 



LlEUTENANT. 

All frenzied with 

spair 1 rave, 
The grave is cheated 

of its due. 
Who is the 

ten knave 
Who hath contrived 

this deed to do ? 
Let search be made 
throughout the 
land, 
Or my vindictive 

anger dread 
A thousand marks to 
him I hand 
Who brings him 



ENSEMBLE. 

ELSIE. 

All frenzied with de- 
spair I rave, 
My anguish rends 

my heart in two. 
Unloved, to him my 

hand I gave ; 
To him, unloved, 
bound to be true ! 
Unloved, unknown, 
unseen the brand 
Of infamy upon his 

head : 

A bride that's husband- 
less, I stand 
To all mankind for 
ever dead ! 



POINT. 

All frenzied with de- 
spair I rave, 
My anguish rends 

my heart in two. 
Your hand to him you 

freely gave ; 
It's woe to me, not 

woe to you ! 
My laugh is dead, my 

heart unmanned, 
A jester with a soul 

of lead ! 
A lover loverless I 

stand, 

To womankind for 
ever dead ! 



here, alive or dead. 

[The others sing the LIEUTENANT'S verse, ivith altered 
pronouns. At the end, ELSIE faints in FAIRFAX'S 
arms; all the Yeomen and populace rush off the 
stage in different directions, to hunt for the fugitive, 
leaving only the Headsman on the stage, and ELSIE 
insensible in FAIRFAX'S arms. 



286 



THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; 



ACT II. 

SCENE. Tower Green by Moonlight. Two days have elapsed. 
Women and Yeomen of the Guard discovered. 

CHORUS OF WOMEN. 
Night has spread her pall once more, 

And the prisoner still is free : 
Open is his dungeon door, 

Useless now his dungeon key ! 
He has shaken off his yoke 

How, no mortal man can tell ! 
Shame on loutish jailor-folk 

Shame on sleepy sentinel ! 
All. He has shaken off his yoke, etc. 

SOLO. DAME CARRUTHERS. 
Warders are ye ? 

Whom do ye ward ? 
Bolt, bar, and key, 
Shackle and cord, 
Fetter and chain, 

Dungeon of stone, 
All are in vain 

Prisoner's flown ! 

Spite of ye all, he is free he is free ! 
Whom do ye ward '! Pretty warders are ye ! 

CHORUS OF YEOMEN. 
Up and down, and in and out, 
Here and there, and round about ; 
Every chamber, every house, 
Every chink that holds a mouse, 
Every crevice in the keep, 
AVhere a beetle black could creep, 
Every outlet, every drain, 
Have we searched, but all in vain ! 



YEOMEN. 
Warders are we : 

Whom do we ward ? 
Bolt, bar, and key, 
Shackle and cord, 
Fetter and chain, 

Dungeon of stone, 
All are in vain. 

Prisoner's flown ! 
Spite of us all, he is free ! he is 

free ! 

Whom do we ward ? Pretty 
warders are we ! 



WOMEN. 
Warders, are ye ? 

Whom do ye ward ? 
Bolt, bar and key ; 

Shackle and cord, 
Fetter and chain, 

Dungeon of stone, 
All are in vain. 

Prisoner's flown ! 
Spite of ye all, he is free ! he is 

free ! 
Whom do ye ward ? Pretty 



warders are ye 



[Exeunt all. 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 23; 

Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge volume. 

Point (reads). " The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose. No. 
7863. The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne 
poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed councillor. 
4 Marry, fool,' quoth the councillor, ' whither away ? ' 'In 
truth,' said the poor wag, ' in that I have eaten naught these 
two dayes, I do wither away, and that right rapidly!' The 
councillor laughed hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph ! 
The councillor was easier to please than my new master, the 
Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that councillor. 
Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor heartbroken- 
jilted Jack Point must needs turn to Hugh Ambrose for original 
light humour ! 

Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits. 

Wil. (sighing). Ah, Master Point ! 

Point (changing his manner). Ha ! friend jailor ! Jailor 
that wast jailor that never shalt be more ! Jailor that jailed 
not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so unjailorly that 'twas but 
jerry-jailing, or jailing in joke though no joke to him who, 
by unjailorlike jailing, did so jeopardize his jailorship. Come, 
take heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor that 
tormentest none thou racker that rackest not thou pincher 
out of place come, take heart, and be merry, as I am ! 
(aside, dolefully) as I am ! 

Wil. Ay, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good 
post, and hast cause to be merry. 

Point (bitterly). Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not 
the world a big butt of humour, into which all who will may 
drive a gimlet ? See, I am a salaried wit ; and is there aught 
in nature more ridiculous? A poor dull, heart-broken man, 
who must needs be merry, or he will be whipped ; who must 
rejoice, lest he starve ; who must jest you, jibe you, quip you, 
crank you, wrack you, riddle you, from hour to hour, from day 
to day, from year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve, pine, 
and die ! Why, when there's naught else to laugh at, I laugh 
at myself till I ache for it ! 

Wil. Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would 
suit me to a hair. 

Point. Thee ? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross- 
bones ? 

Wil. Ay, I have a pretty wit a light, airy, joy some wit, 
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture chamber. 
Oh, a very delicate wit ! I have tried it on many a prisoner, 



288 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

and there have been some who smiled. Now it is not easy 
to make a prisoner smile. And it should not be difficult to 
be a good jester, seeing that thou art one. 

Point. Difficult ? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, 
and I will prove it to thee ! 

SONG. POINT 

Oh ! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, 

If you listen to popular rumour ; 
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, 

And he bubbles with wit and good humour ! 
He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse ; 

Yet though people forgive his transgression, 
There are one or two rules that all family fools 
Must observe, if they love their profession. 
There are one or two rules, 

Half a dozen, may be, 
That all family fools, 
Of whatever degree, 
Must observe, if they love their profession. 

If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need 

To consider each person's auricular : 
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C 

(For C is so very particular) ; 
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull 

Is as empty of brains as a ladle ; 
While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, 
That he's known your best joke from his cradle ! 
AVhen your humour they flout, 

You can't let yourself go ; 
And it does put you out 

When a person says, "Ob, 
I have known that old joke from my cradle ! " 

If your master is surly, from getting up early 

(And tempers are short in the morning), 
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke 

Him, to give you, at once, a month's warning. 
Then if 3*011 refrain, he is at you again, 
For he likes to get value for money. 
He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, 
" If you know that your paid to be funny ? " 
It adds to the task 

Of a merry man's place, 
When your principal asks, 

With a scowl on his face, 
If you know that you're paid to be funny ? 

Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D. 

Oh, beware of his anger provoking ! 
Better not pull his hair don't stick pins in his chair : 

He don't understand practical joking. 
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 289 

You may get a bland smile from these sages ; 
But should it, by chance, be imported from France, 
Half a crown is stopped out of your wages ! 
It's a general rule, 

Though j'our zeal it may quench, 
If the family fool 

Tell's a joke that's too French, 
Half a crown is stopped out of his wages ! 

Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, 

And your senses with toothache you're losing, 
Don't be mopy and flat they don't fine you for thai, 

If you're properly quaint and amusing ! 
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, 

And took with her your trifle of money ; 
Bless your heart, the}' don't mind they're exceedingly 

kind 

They don't blame you as long as you're funny ! 
It's a comfort to feel 

If your partner should flit, 
Though you suffer a deal, 

They don't mind it a bit 
They don't blame you so long as you're funny. 

Point. And so thou wouldst be a jester, eh ? Now, listen ! 
My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was secretly wed to this Fairfax 
half an hour ere he escaped. 

Wil. She did well. 

Point. She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and 
perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I to her, 
and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I am the saddest 
and the sorriest dog in England ! 

Wil. Thou art a very dull dog indeed. 

Point. Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this 
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river it needs 
but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark night and that he 
sank and was seen no more, I'll make thee the very Arch- 
bishop of jesters, and that in two days' time ! Now, what 
sayest thou ? 

Wil. I am to lie? 

Point. Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance, 
which I will support with the testimony of eyes, ears, and 
tongue. 

Wil. And thou wilt qualify me as a jester ? 

Point. As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my 
original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own ingenious 
paradoxes ; nay, more, I will reveal to thee the source whence 
I get them. Now, what sayest thou ? 

Wil. Why, if it be but a lie thou wan test of me, I hold it 
cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain ! 

in. u 



290 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR, 

DUET. POINT AND WILFRED. 

Both. Hereupon we're both agreed, 

And all that we two 
Do agree to 

We'll secure by solemn deed, 
To prevent all 
Error mental. 

v 1 Jon Elsie (J I to call 
i ou ) ( are j 

With a story 
Grim and gory ; 
How this Fairfax died, and all 

You 1 Declare to 

Y u ' re 1 to swear to. 
1 ni j 

Tell a tale of cock and bull, 
Of convincing detail full ; 
Tale tremendous, 
Heaven defend us ! 
What a tale of cock and bull ! 



In return for j - l ' r f own part 

"V 



Undertaking, 
To instruct | "^ \ in the art 

(Art amazing, 
Wonder raising) 
Of a jester, jesting free. 
Proud position 
High ambition ! 

And a lively one j , n j be, 

Wag-a-wagging, 
Never nagging ! 

Tell a tale of cock and bull, etc. 

[Exeunt together. 
Enter FAIRFAX. 

Fair. A day and a half gone, and no news of poor Fairfax ! 
The dolts ! They seek him everywhere, save within a dozen 
yards of his dungeon. So I am free ! Free, but for the cursed 
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of matri- 
mony with Heaven knows whom ! As far as I remember, she 
should have been young ; but even had not her face been con- 
cealed by her kerchief, I doubt whether, in my then plight, 
I should have taken much note of her. Free? Bah! The 
Tower bonds were but a thread of silk compared with these 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 291 

conjugal fetters which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own 
hands. From the one I broke readily enough how to break 
the other! 

SONG. FAIRFAX. 

Free from his fetters grim 

Free to depart ; 
Free both in life and limb 

In all but heart ! 
Bound to an unknown bride 

For good and ill ; 
Ah, is not one so tied 

A prisoner still ? 

Free, yet in fetters held 

Till his last hour, 
Gyves that no smith can weld, 

No rust devour ! 
Although a monarch's hand 

Had set him free, 
Of all the captive band 

The saddest he ! 

Enter MERYLL. 

Fait'. Well, Sergeant Meryl), and how fares thy pretty 
charge, Elsie Maynard ? 

Mer. Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and leaves 
us to-night. 

Fair. Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh ? 

Mer. Ay, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry 
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl to me. It 
gave the old lady an excuse for taking up her quarters in my 
house, and for the last two years I've shunned her like the 
plague. Another day of it and she would have married me ! 
Good Lord, here she is again ! I'll e'en go. (Going.) 

Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE, her niece. 

Dame. Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of 
grave import to say to thee. 

Mer. (aside). It's coming. 

Fair, (laughing). 1'faith, I think I'm not wanted here. 
(Going.) 

Dame. Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father 
that his son may not hear. 

Fair, (aside). True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten! 

Dame. 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master 
Leonard. 

Fair. Ay, fair as a peach blossom what then? 



292 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Dame. She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not. 

Fair. With all my heart. She's as dainty a little maid as 
you'll find in a midsummer day's march. 

Dame. Then he warned in time, and give not thy heart to 
her. Oh, / know what it is to give my heart to one who will 
have none of it ! 

Her. (aside). Ay, she knows all about that. (Aloud.') And 
why is my boy to take heed of her? She's a good girl, Dame 
Carruthers. 

Dame. Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl. 
She's a married woman. 

Mer. A married woman ! Tush, old lady she's promised to 
Jack Point, the lieutenant's new jester. 

Dame. Tush in thy teeth, old man ! As iny niece Kate sat 
by her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept she 
moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that way and, 
" How shall I marry one I have never seen? " quoth she then, 
" A hundred crowns ! " quoth she then, " Is it cervain he will 
die in an hour ? " quoth she then, " I love him not and yet I 
am his wife," quoth she ! Is it not so, Kate ? 

Kate. Ay, mother, 'tis eyen so. 

Fair. Art thou sure of all this ? 

Kate. Ay, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets. 

Dame. Now, mark my words : it was of this Fairfax she 
spake, and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle ! 

Mer. (aside). Is this true, sir ? 

Fair. True ? Why, the girl was raving ! Why should she 
marry a man who had but an hour to live? 

Dame. Marry ? There be those who would marry but for a 
minute, rather than die old maids. 

Mer. (aside). Ay, I know one of them ! 

QUARTETTE. KATE, FAIRFAX, DAME CARKUTHERS, AXD MERYLL. 

Strange adventure ! Maiden wedded 
To a groom she's never seen 
Never, never, never seen ! 
Groom about to be beheaded, 
In an hour on Tower Green ! 

Tower, Tower, Tower Green ! 
Groom in dreary dungeon lying, 
Groom as good as dead, or dying, 
For a pretty maiden sighing 
Pretty maid of seventeen ! 
Seven seven seventeen ! 

Strange adventure that we're trolling : 
Modest maid and gallant groom 

Gallant, gallant, gallant groom ! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 293 

While the funeral bell is tolling, 
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom ! 

Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom ! 
Modest maiden will not tarry ; 
Though but sixteen years she carry, 
She must marry, she must marry, 
Though the altar be a tomb- 
Tower Tower Tower tomb ! 

[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE. 
Fair. So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome 
Elsie ! By my hand, 'tis no such ill-plunge in Fortune's lucky 
bag ! I might have fared worse with my eyes open ! But she 
comes. Now to test her principles. "Tis not every husband 
who has a chance of wooing his own wife ! 

Enter ELSIE. 

Fair. Mistress Elsie ! 

Elsie. Master Leonard ! 

Fair. So thou leavest us to-night ? 

Elsie. Yes, Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and 
I almost fear I am loth to go. 

Fair. And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped ? 

Elsie. Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a 
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very fulness of 
his life. 

Fair. Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy 
at his safety ? 

Elsie. It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard, 
and I am but a girl, and so, when I am highly wrought, I faint. 

Fair. Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous 
jealousy ? 

Elsie. Thou? And of whom? 

Fair. Why, of this Fairfax, surely ! 

Elsie. Of Colonel Fairfax ! 

Fair. Ay. Shall I be frank with thee ? Elsie I love thee, 
ardently, passionately! (ELSIE alarmed and surprised.) Elsie, 
I have loved thee these two days which is a long time and 
I would fain join my life to thine ! 

Elsie. Master Leonard ! Thou art jesting ! 

Fair. Jesting ? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest ! I love 
thee with a love that is a fever with a love that is a frenzy 
with a love that eateth up my heart ! What sayest thou ? 
Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up ? 

Elsie, (aside}. Oh, mercy ! What am I to say ? 

Fair. Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these 
two days? 



294 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Elsie. I love all brave men. 

Fair. Nay, there is love in excess. I thank Heaven, there 
are many brave men in England ; but if thou lovest them all, I 
withdraw my thanks. 

Elsie. I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen 
I am not free I I am a wife ! 

Fair. Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are 
numbered nay, his grave is dug, and his epitaph set up! 
Come, his name ? 

Elsie. Oh, sir ! keep my secret it is the only barrier that 
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other than 
Colonel Fairfax! 

Fair. The greatest villain unhung ! The most ill-begotten, 
ill-favoured, ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered 
dog in Christendom ! 

Elsie. It is very like. He is naught to me for I never saw 
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within the 
hour ; and he did not die and I am wedded to him, and my 
heart is broken ! 

Fair, He was to have died, and he did not die! The scoundrel ! 
The perjured, traitrous, villain ! Thou shouldst have insisted 
on his dying first, to make sure. 'Tis the only way with these 
Fairfaxes. 

Elsie. I now wish 1 had ! 

Fair, {aside). Bloodthirsty little maiden ! {Aloud.} A fig 
for this Fairfax ! Be mine he will never know he dares not 
show himself ; and if he dare, what art thou to him ? Fly with 
me, Elsie we will be married to-morrow, and thou shalt be the 
happiest wife in England ! 

Elsie. Master Leonard ! I am amazed ! Is it thus that brave 
soldiers speak to poor girls ? Oh ! for shame, for shame ! I am 
wed not the less because I love not my husband. I am. a 
wife, sir, and I have a duty, and oh, sir! thy words terrify 
me they are not honest they are wicked words, and unworthy 
thy great and brave heart ! Oh, shame upon thee ! shame 
upon thee ! 

Fair. Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee. 

[Shot heard. 

Enter MERYLL, hastily. 

Mer. (rccit.). Hark! What was that, sir? 
Fair. ^ T hy, an arquebus 

Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake. 
Mer. Strange and at such an hour ! What can it mean? 

[In the meantime, the Chorus have entered. 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 



295 



CHORUS. 

Now what can that have been 
A shot so late at night, 
Enough to cause affright ! 

What can the portent mean? 

Are foemen in the land ? 

Is London to be wrecked ? 

What are we to expect? 
What danger is at hand ? 

Yes, let us understand 

What danger is at hand ! 

LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED. 

Lieut. Who fired that shot ? At once the truth declare ! 
Wil. My lord, 'twas I to rashly judge forbear ! 

Point. My lord, 'twas he to rashly judge forbear ! 

DUET AND CHORUS. WILFRED AND POINT. 
Wil. Like a ghost his vigil keeping 

Point. Or a spectre all-appalling 

Wil. I beheld a figure creeping 

Point. I should rather call it crawling 

Wil. He was creeping 

Point. He was crawling 

Wil. He was creeping, creeping 

Point. Crawling ! 

Wil. Not a moment's hesitation 

I myself upon him flung, 
With a hurried exclamation 

To his draperies I hung ; 
Then we closed with one another 
In a rough-and-tumble smother ; 
Colonel Fairfax and no other 

Was the man to whom I clung ! 

All. Colonel Fairfax and no other 

Was the man to whom he clung ! 
Wil. After mighty tug and tussle 

Point. It resembled more a struggle 

Wil. He, by dint of stronger muscle 

Point. Or by some infernal juggle 

Wil. From my clutches quickly sliding 

Point. I should rather call it slipping 

Wil. With the view, no doubt, of hiding 

Point. Or escaping to the shipping 

Wil. With a gasp, and with a quiver 

Point. I'd describe it as a shiver 

Wil. Down he dived into the river 

And, alas, I cannot swim. 

All. It's enough to make one shiver, 

With a gasp and with a quiver ; 
Down he dived into the river, 

It was very brave of him ! 



296 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Wil. Ingenuity is catching ; 

With the view my king of pleasing, 
Arquebus from sentry snatching 
Point. I should rather call it seizing 

Wil. With an ounce or two of lead 

I despatched him through the head ! 

All. He despatched him through the head ! 

Wil. I discharged it without winking, 

Little time he lost in thinking, 
Like a stone I saw him sinking 
Point. I should say a lump 'of lead. 

Wil. Like a stone, my boy, I said 

Point. Like a heavy lump of lead. 

Wil. Anyhow the man is dead. 

All. Whether stone or lump of lead, 

Arquebus from sentry seizing, 
With the view his king of pleasing. 
Wilfred shot him through the head, 
And he's very, very dead. 

And it matters very little whether stone or lump of lead, 
It is very, very certain that he's very, very dead ! 

RECITATIVE. LIEUTENANT. 

The river must be dragged no time be lost ; 
The body must be found, at any cost. 
To this attend Avithout undue delay ; 
So set to work with what despatch ye may ! [Exit. 

Ail. Yes, yes, 

We'll set to work with what despatch we may ! 

[Four men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their 
shoulders. 

CHORUS. 

Hail the valiant fellow who 
Did this deed of derring-do ! 
Honours wait on such an one ; 
By my head, 'twas bravely done 

[Exeunt all lut ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHCEBE. 

Point (to ELSIE, who is weeping). Nay, sweetheart, be com- 
forted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow, and, as he had 
to die, he might as well die thus as any other way. 'Twas a 
good death. 

Elsie. Still he was niy husband, and had he not been, he was 
nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead ; and so, by your 
leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master Point. 

Fair. And thou didst see all this ? 

Point. Ay, with both eyes at once this and that. The 
testimony of one eye is naught he may lie. But when it is 
corroborated by the other, it is good evidence that none may 
gainsay. Here are both present in court, ready to swear to him ! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 297 

Phoe. But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax ? Saw you 
his face? 

Point. Ay, and a plaguy ill-favoured face too. A very 
hang-dog face a felon face a face to fright the headsman him- 
self, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguy bad face, take 
my word fur 't. (PHCEBE and FAIRFAX laugh). How they 
laugh ! Tis ever thus with simple folk an accepted wit has 
but to say, " Pass the mustard," and they roar their ribs out! 

Fair, (aside). If ever I come to life again thou shalt pay for 
this, Master Point ! 

Point. Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold 
me : I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit. I 
can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, riddle 
you 

Fair. Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to 
be done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries ; with 
quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an art in itself, 
and must be studied gravely and conscientiously. 

TRIO. FAIRFAX, ELSIE, AND PIICEBE. 

Fair. A man who would woo a fair maid, 

Should 'prentice himself to the trade ; 

And study all day, 

In a methodical way, 
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade. 
He should 'prentice himself at fourteen, 
And practice from morning to e'en ; 

And when he's of age, 

If he will, I'll engage, 
He may capture the heart of a queen ! 

All. It is purely a matter of skill, 

Which all may attain if they will : 

But every Jack, 

He must study the knack 
If he wants to make sure of his -Till ! 

Elsie. If he's made the best use of his time, 

His twig he'll so carefully lime, 

That every bird 

Will come down at his word, 
AVhatever its plumage and clime. 
He must learn that the thrill of a touch 
Maj- mean little, or nothing, or much ; 

It's an instrument rare, 

To be handled with care, 
And ought to be treated as such. 

All. It is purely a matter of skill, etc. 

PJiK. Then a glance may be timid or free, 

It will vary in mighty degree, 



298 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

From an impudent stare 

To a look of despair 
That no maid without pity can see. 
And a glance of despair is no guide 
It may have its ridiculous side ; 

It may draw you a tear 

Or a box on the ear ; 
You can never be sure till you've tried ! 
All. It is purely a matter of skill, etc. 

Fair, (aside to POINT). Now, listen to me 'tis done thus. 
(Aloud.} Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou knowest, 
loves thee right well ! 

Point (aside). That he does right well ! 
Fair. He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving, 
honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to thee, and 
if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie curled up in his heart, 
like a little squirrel in its nest ! 

Point (aside). Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies 
closer, but a squirrel will do. 

Fair. He knoweth that thou wast a wife an unloved and 
unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to breaking. But 
now that thine unloving husband is dead, and thou art free, he 
would fain pray that thou wouldst hearken unto him, and give 
him hope that thou wouldst be his! 

Phce. (alarmed). He presses her hands and he whispers in 
her ear ! Odds boddikins, what does it mean ? 

Fair. Now, sweetheart, tell me wilt thou be this poor good 
fellow's wife ? 

Elsie. If the good, brave man is he a brave man ? 

Fair. So men say. 

Point (aside). That's not true, but let it pass this once. 

Elsie. If this brave man will be content with a poor penniless 

untaught maid 

Point (aside). Widow but let that pass. 
Elsie. I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my 
heart of hearts ! 

Fair. My own dear love ! (Embracing her.) 
Phce. (in great agitation). Why, what's all this ? Brother 
brother it is not seemly ! 

Point (also alarmed). (Aside.) Oh, I can't let that pass! 
(Aloud). Hold, enough, master Leonard ! An advocate should 
have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying thyself! 

Fair. Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would 
show thee how to woo, and herein is the proof of the virtue of 
my teaching. Go thou, and apply it elsewhere ! (PHCEBE bursts 
into tears.) 



THE MERRY At AN AND HIS MAID. 299 

QUAUTETTK. ELSIE 1 , FAIRFAX, PlItKUl-:, AND POINT. 

Elsie and Fair. When a wooer 

Goes a-wooing, 
Naught is truer 

Than his joy. 
Maiden hushing 

All his suing 
Boldly blushing 

Bravely coy ! 

All. Oh, the happy days of doing ! 

Oh, the sighing and the suing ! 
When a wooer goes a-wooing, 
Oh, the sweets that never cloy ! 

Phcf. (u-eepiiif/) When a brother 

Leaves his sister 
For another, 

Sister weeps. 
Tears that trickle, 

Tears that blister 
'Tis but mickle 

Sister reaps ! 

All. Oh, the doing and undoing, 

Oh, the sighing and the suing, 
When a brother goes a-wooing, 
And a sobbing sister weeps ! 

Point . When a jester 

Is out-witted, 
Feelings fester, 

Heart is lead ! 
Food for fishes 

Only fitted, 
Jester wishes 

He was dead ! 

All. Oh, the doing and undoing, 

Oh, the sighing and the suing, 
When a jester goes a-wooing, 
And he wishes he was dead ! 

[Exeunt all but PH<EBE, who remains weepiny. 

Phce. And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his 
secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving sister, and 
done everything I could think of to make folk believe I teas his 
loving sister, and this is his gratitude ! Before I pretend to he 
sister to anybody again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to every- 
body one as much as another ! 

Enter WILFRED. 

Wil. In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for 
now ? 



300 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, 

Plue. Why am I grizzling ? Thou Last often wept for jealousy 
well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Ay, yellow, bilious, 
jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that, Master Wilfred. 

W-il. But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The 
Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest gossips ! 

Phce. Jealous of thee ! Bah ! I'm jealous of no craven cock- 
on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared ! I am 
jealous of another and a better man than thou set that down, 
Master Wilfred. And he is to marry Elsie Maynard, the little 
pale fool set that down, Master Wilfred ; and my heart is well 
nigh broken ! There, thou hast it all ! Make the most of it ! 

Wil. The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why, 
that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll ! 

Phce. (aside). Oh, mercy ! what have I said? 

Wil. Why, what manner of brother is this, thou lying little 
jade ? Speak ! Who is this man whom thou hast called brother, 
and fondled, and coddled, and kissed with my connivance 
too! Oh! Lord, with my connivance! Ha! should it be this 
Fairfax ! (PIKEBE starts.) It is ! It is this accursed Fairfax ! 
It's Fairfax ! Fairfax, who 

Phoe. Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who 
lies at the bottom of the river ! 

Wil. A I I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible 
mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure I'll make sure. 
(Going.) 

Phoe. Stay one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax mind, 
I say I think because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But 
whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry Elsie and 
and as thou hast shot him through the head, and he is dead, 
be content with that, and I will be thy wife ! 

Wil. Is that sure ? 

Phce. Ay, sure enough, for there's no help for it ! Thou art 
a very brute but even brutes must marry, I suppose. 

Wil. My beloved ! (Embraces her.) 

PJw. (asiae). Ugh! 

Enter LEONARD, hastily. 

Leon. Phcebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel Fair- 
fax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it was foully and 
maliciously kept back by Secretary Polt whistle, who designed 
that it should arrive after the Colonel's death. It hath just 
come to hand, and it is now in the Lieutenant's possession ! 

Phce. Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my 
dear ! Kiss me, again, and again ! 



THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 301 

Wil. {dancing with fury}. Ocls bobs, death o' my life! Art 
thou inad V Am I mad ? Are we all mad ? 

Phoe. Oh, my dear my dear, I'm well-nigh crazed with joy 
{Kissing LEONARD.) 

Wil. Come away from him, thou hussy thou jade thou 
kissing, clinging, cockatrice ! And as for thee, sir, I'll rip thee 
like a herring for this ! I'll skin thee for it ! I'll cleave thee 

to the chine ! I'll Oh ! Phoebe ! Phoebe ! Phabe ! 

Who is this man ? 

Plice. Peace, fool. He is my brother ! 

Wil. Another brother ! Are there any more of them ? Pro- 
duce them all at once, and let me know the worst ! 

Phoe. This is the real Leonard, dolt ; the other was but his 
substitute. The real Leonard, I say my father's own sou. 

Wil. How do I know this ? Has he " brother" writ large on 
his brow ? I mistrust thy brothers ! Thou art but a false 
jade ! \_Exit LEONARD. 

Phoe. Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee before 
but it was to save a precious life and to save it, not for me, 
but for another. They are to be wed this very day. Is not 
this enough for thee ? Come I am thy Phoebe thy very own 
and we will be wed in a year or two or three, at the most. 
Is not that enough for thee ? 

Enter MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME CARRUTHERS 
{who listens unobserved). 

Mer. Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news ? 

Plio?.. {still in WILFRED'S arms}. Ay, father. 

Mer. I'm nigh mad with joy ! {Seeing WILFRED.) Why, 
what's all this? 

Phoz. Oh, father, he discovered our secret through my folly, 
and the price of his silence is 

Wil. Phoebe's heart. 

Phoe. Oh dear, no Phoebe's hand. 

Wtl. It's the same thing ! 

Phoe. Is it ! [Exeunt WILFRED and PHCEBE. 

Mer. (looking after them). 'Tis pity, but the Colonel had to 
be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our secret, thy 
folly must e'en suffer for it ! (DAME CARRUTHERS comes down.) 
Dame Carruthers ! 

Dame. So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I have 
detected it. A word from rne, and three heads besides his 
would roll from their shoulders ! 

Mer. Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved. {Aside.) Yet if my 
complicity in his escape were known ! Plague on the old 



302 



THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OK, 



meddler ! There's nothing for it ! {Aloud.) Hush, pretty 
one ! Such bloodthirsty words ill become those cherry lips ! 
(Aside.) Ugh! 

Dame (bashfully). Sergeant Meryll ! 

Mer. Why, look ye, chuck for many a month I've I've 
thought to myself "There's snug love saving up in that 
middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for thee that's 
me so take heart and tell her that's thee that thou that's 
me lovest her thee and and well, I'm a miserable old 
man, and I've done it and that's me ! " But not a word about 
Fairfax ! The price of thy silence is 

Dame. Meryll's heart ? 

Mer. No, Meryll's hand. 

Dame. It's the same thing ! 

Mer. Is it ! 

DUET. MERYLL AND DAME CARBUTHERS. 
Dame. Rapture, rapture! 

When love's votary, 
Flushed with capture, 
Seeks the notary, 
Joy and jollity 
Then is polity ; 
Reigns frivolity ! 
Rapture, rapture ! 

Her. Doleful, doleful ! 

When humanity, 
With its soul full 
Of satanity, 

Courting privity, 
Down declivity 
Seeks captivitv ! 
Doleful, doleful ! 

Dame. Joyful, joyful ! 

When virginity 
Seeks, all coyful, 
Man's affinity ; 

Fate all flower} 7 , 
Bright and bowery 
Is her dowery ! 
Joyful, joyful ! 

Her. Ghastly, ghastly ! 

When man, sorrowful, 
Firstly, lastly, 

Of to-morrow full, 
After tarrying, 
Yields to harrying 
Goes a-marrying. 
Ghastly, ghastly ! 

FINALE. 






THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 303 

Enter Yeomen, Women, and ELSIE as Bride. 
CHORUS OF WOMEN. 

(ELEGIACS.) 

Comes the pretty young bride, a-blushing, timidly shrinking 

Set all thy fears aside cheerily, pretty young bride ! 
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot thou art willingly linking ! 
Flower of valour is he loving as loving can be ! 
l>rightlj r thy summer is shining, 
Fair is the dawn of the day ; 
Take him, be true to him 
Tender his due to him 
Honour him, love and obey ! 

TRIO. PH<EBE, ELSIE, AND DAME CARUUTHEKS. 

'Tis said that joy in full perfection 

Comes only once to womankind 
That, other times, on close inspection, 

Some lurking bitter we shall find. 
If this be so, and men say truly, 
My day of joy has broken duly. 

With happiness my soul is cloyed 

This is my joy-day unalloyed ! 
All, Yes, yea, 

This is her joy-day unalloyed ! 

Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT. 

Lieut. Hold, pretty one ! I bring to thee 

News good or ill, it is for thee to say. 
Thy husband lives and he is free, 
And conies to claim his bride this very day ! 

Elsie. No ! no ! recall those words -it cannot be ! 

Leonard, my Leonard, come, oh, come to me ! 
Leonard, my own my loved one where art thou ? 
I knew not how I loved thine heart till now ! 

ENSEMBLE. 
ELSIE AND PHCEBE. CHORUS AND OTHERS. LIEUT. AND POINT. 

Oh, day of terror ! day Oh, day of terror ! day Come, dry these unbe- 

of tears ! of tears ! coming tears, 

What fearful tidings What words are these Most joyful tidings 

greet mine ears ? that greet our ears ? greet thine ears. 

Oh, Leonard, come Who is the man who, The man to whom thou 

thou to my side, in his pride, art allied 

And claim me as thy So boldly claims thee Appears to claim thee 

loving bride. as his bride? as bis bride. 



304 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR, 



Flourish. Enter COLOXEL FAIRFAX, handsomely dressed, and 
attended ~by other Gentlemen. 

Fair, (sternly.} All thought of Leonard Meryll set aside. 

Thou art mine own ! I claim thee as my bride. 
Elsie. A suppliant at thy feet I fall : 

Thine heart will yield to pity's call ! 
Fair. Mine is a heart of massive rock, 

Unmoved by sentimental shock ! 
AIL Thy husband he ! 

Elsie. Leonard, my loved one come to me. 

They bear me hence away ! 
But though they take me far from thee, 
My heart is thine for aye ! 
My bruised heart, 

My broken heart, 
Is thine, my own, for aye ! 
(T'j FAIUFAX.) Sir, I obey, 

I am thy bride ; 
But ere the fatal hour 

I said the say 
That placed me in thy power, 

Would I had died ! 
Sir, I obey ! 

I am thy bride ! 

(Looks up and recognizes FAIRFAX.) Leonard ! 
Fair. My own ! 

Elsie. Ah ! (Embrace.) 

Elsie and ( With happiness my soul is cloyed, 
Fair. \ This is my joy-day unalloyed ! 

AIL Yes ! yes ! 

With happiness their souls are cloyed. 
This is their joy-day unalloyed ! 
Point. Oh thoughtless crew ! 

Ye know not what ye do ! 
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two 

For I have a song to sing. O ! 
All. Sing me your song, ! etc. 

Point. It is sung to the moon 

By a love-lorn loon, 
Who fled from the mocking throng. O ! 
It's the song of a merryman moping mum, 
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum, 
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb, 

As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 
Ail. Heighdy ! Heighdy ! 

Misery me, lackadaydee ! 
He sipped no sup and he craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 

Elsie. I have a song to sing, ! 

All. Sing me your song, ! 



THE MERRVMAN AND HIS MAID. 305 

Elsie. It is sung with the ring 

Of the songs maids sing 
Who love with a love life-long, O ! 
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud, 
Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud 
At the moan of the merryman moping mum, 
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum. 
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb, 

As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 
All. Heighdy! Heighdy! 

Misery me, lackadaydee ! 
He sipped no sup and he craved no crumb, 
As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! 

[FAIRFAX embraces ELSIE as POINT falls insensible at 
their feet. 






in. 



THE GONDOLIERS; 

OK, 

THE KING OF BARATARIA. 

AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA, 
IN TWO ACTS, 

First performed at the Savoy Theatre, London, under the management 
. R. D'OYLY CARTE, on Saturday, December 7 th, 1889. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. a Grandee 

of Spain 

Lurz, his Attendant 

DON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO, the 

Grand Inquisitor 
MARCO PALMIERI \ 
GIUSEPPE PALMIERI \ 
ANTONIO I 

FRANCESCO 
GIORGIO 
ANNIBALE 
OTTAVIO 

THE DUCHESS OF PLAZA-TORO 
CASILDA, her Daughter 

GlAXETTA \ 



Venetian 

Gondoliers 



TESSA 

FIAMETTA \ Contadine 

VlTTORIA 
GlULIA 

INEZ, the King's Foster-mother 

Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds, and Pages 



MR. FRANK WYATT. 
MR. BROWN LOW. 

MR. DENNY. 

MR. COURTICE POUNDS. 

MR. EUTLAND BARRINGTON. 

MR. MEDCALF. 

MR. ROSE. 

MR. DE PLEDGE. 

MR. WlLBRAHAM. 

MR. C. GILBERT. 
Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM. 
Miss DECIMA MOORE. 
, Miss GERALDINE ULMAR. 
Miss JESSIE BOND. 
Miss LAWRENCE. 
Miss COLE. 
Miss PHYLLIS. 
Miss BERNARD. 



ACT I. 
THE PIAZETTA, VENICE. 

ACT II. 
PAVILION IN THE PALACE OF BAKATARIA. 

An interval (if three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I. and II. 



DATE 1750, 



THE GONDOLIERS; 

OR, 

THE KING OF BARATARIA. 

ACT I. 

SCENE. THE PJAZZETTA, VENICE. The Ducal Palace on the 

right. 

FIAMETTA, GEULIA, VITTORIA, and other Contadine discovered, 
each tying a bouquet of roses. 

ClIOUL'S OF COXTADTNE. 

List and learn, ye dainty roses, 

Roses white and roses red, 
Why we bind you into posies 

Ere your morning blooin has fled. 
By a law of maiden's making, 
Accents of a heart that's aching, 
Even though that heart be breaking, 

Should by maiden be unsaid : 
Though they love with love exceeding, 
They must seem to be unheeding 
Go ye then and do their pleading, 

Roses white and roses red ! 

FIAMETTA. 

Two there are for whom, in duty, 

Every maid in Venice sighs 
Two so peerless in their beauty 

That they shame the summer skies. 
We have hearts for them, in plenty, 
We, alas, are four-and-twenty ! 

They have hearts, but all too i'e\v, 

They, alas, are only two ! 



310 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR, 

CHORUS. 

Now ye know, ye dainty roses, 
Why we bind you into posies 

Ere your morning bloom has fled, 
Eoses white and roses red ! 

[During this chorus ANTONIO, FRANCESCO, GIORGIO, and 
oilier Gondoliers have entered unobserved by the 
Girls at first two, then two more, then four, then 
half-a-dozen, then the remainder of the Chorus. 

RECIT. 

Franc. Good morrow, pretty maids ; for whom prepare ye 

These flora] tributes extraordinary? 
Fia. For Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri, 

The pink and flower of all the Gondolier!. 
Gin. They're coming here, as we have heard but lately, 

To choose two brides from us who sit sedately. 
Ant. Do all you maidens love them ? 

All. Passionately ! 

Ant. These gondoliers are to be envied greatly ! 

Gior. But what of us, who one and all adore you? 

Have pity on our passion, I implore you ! 

Fia. These gentlemen must make their choice before you ; 

Vit. In the meantime we tacitly ignore you. 

Giu. . When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty 

Two dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty. 
Fia. and Vit, Till then enjoy your dolcefar neinte. 
Ant. With pleasure, nobody contradicente ! 

SONG. ANTONIO AND CHORUS. 

For the merriest fellows are we, tra la, 
That ply on the emerald sea, tra la ; 

With loving and laughing, 

And qiiipping and quaffing, 
We're happy as happy can be, tra la 

As happy as happy can be ! 
With sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la, 
And care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la ; 

And Jealousy yellow, 

Unfortunate fellow, 
We drown in the shimmering blue, tra la, 

We drown in the shimmering blue ! 

Fia. (looking off). See, see, at last they come to make their choice 
Let us acclaim them with united voice. 

[MARCO and GIUSEPPE appear in gondola at back. 

All the Girls. Hail, gallant gondolieri, ben' venuti ! 

Accept our love, our homage, and our duty. 

[MARCO and GIUSEPPE jump ashore. The Girls sahite 
them. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 311 

DUET. GIUSEPPE AND MARCO, WITH CHORUS OF GIKLS. 

Giu. and Mar, Buon' giorno, signorine ! 

Girls. Gondolier! carissinii ! 

Siamo contadine ! 

Giu. and Mar. (bowing). Servitor! umilissimi ! 

Per chi quest! fiori 

Questi fiori bellissimi ? 
Girls. Per voi, bei' signori 

O eccellentissimi ! 

[Tfie Girls present their bouquets to GIUSEPPE and 
MARCO, who are overwhelmed with them, and carry 
them with difficulty. 

Giu. and Mar. (their arms full of flowers). ciel ! 

Girls. Buon' giorno, cavalieri ! 

Giu. and Mar. (deprecating I y). Siamo gondolier!. 

(To FIA. and V IT.) Signorina, io t'amo ! 

Girls (deprecatingly). Contadine siarno. 

Giu. and Mar. Signorine ! 

Girls (depreccttingly). "Contadine! 

(Curtseying to Giu. and MAI;.) Cavalieri. 
Giu. and Mar. (deprccatingly). Gondolier! ! 

Poveri gondolier! ! 
Chorus. Buon' giorno, signorine, etc. 

DUET. MARCO AND GIUSEPPE. 

We're called gondolieri, 
But that's a vagary, 
It's quite honorary 

The trade that we ply. 

For gallantry noted 

Since we were short-coated, 

To ladies devoted, 

My brother and I. 

When morning is breaking, 
Our couches forsaking, 
To greet their awaking 

With carols we come. 

At summer day's nooning, 
When weary lagooning, 
Our mandolins tuning, 

We lazily thrum. 

When vespers are ringing, 
To hope ever clinging, 
With songs of our singing 
A vigil we keep. 

When daylight is fading, ' 
Enwrapt in night's shading, 
With soft serenading 

We lull them to sleep. 

We're called gondolier^ etc. 



312 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

RECIT. MARCO AND GIUSEPPE. 

And now to choose our brides ! 

As all are young and fair, 
And amiable besides, 

We really do not care 

A preference to declare. 
A bias to disclose 

Would be indelicate 
And therefore we propose 

To let impartial Fate 

Select for us a mate ! 

All. Viva! 

A bias to disclose 

Would be indelicate 
But how do they propose 

To let impartial Fate 
Select for them a mate ? 

Mar. These handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to bind, 
Giu. And take good care that both of us are absolutely blind ; 
Both. Then turn us round and we, with all convenient despatch, 

Will undertake to marry any two of you we catch ! 
All. Viva ! * 

They undertake to marry any two of us they catch ! 

[ The Girls prepare to Irind their eyes as directed. 
Tessa, (to MARCO). Are you peeping ? 

Can you see me ? 
Mar. Dark I'm keeping, 

Dark and dreamy ! [Slyly lifts bandage. 
Vit. (to GIUSEPPE). If you're blinded 

Truly say so. 
Giu. All right-minded 

Players play so ! [Slyly lifts bandage. 

Fia. (detecting MARCO). Conduct shady ! 

They are cheating ! 
Surely they de- 
Serve a beating ! [Replaces bandage. 
Vit. (detecting GIUSEPPE). This too much is ; 

Maidens mocking 
Conduct such is 

Truly shocking ! [Replaces bandage,. 

All. You can spy, sir ! 

Shut your eye, sir ! 
You may use it by-and-by, sir ! 
You can see, sir ! 
Don't tell me, sir ! 
That will do now let it be, sir ! 

All the girls. My papa he keeps three horses, 

Black, and white, and dapple grey, sir ; 
Turn three times, then take your courses, 
Catch which ever girl you may, sir ! 

[GIUSEPPE and MARCO turn round, as directed, and try 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 313 

to catch the Girls. Business of Hind-man'' s hu/. 
Eventually MARCO catches GIANETTE, and GIUSEPPE 
catches TESSA. The two Girls try to escape, but in 
vain. The two Men pass their hands over the Girls' 
faces to discover their identity. 

Giu. I've at length achieved a capture ! 

(Guessing.) This is Tessa ! (Removes bandage.} Rapture, rapture ! 
Mar. (guessing] Gianetta fate has granted ! (Removes bandage) 

Just the very girl I wanted ! 
Giu. (politely to MAR.) If you'd rather change 
Tessa. My goodness ! 

This indeed is simple rudeness. 

Mar. (politely to Giu). I've no preference whatever- 
Cm. Listen to him ! Well, I never ! 

[Each Man Jiisses each Girl. 

Gia. Thank you, gallant gondolieri : 

In a set and formal measure 
It is scarcely necessary 

To express our pride and pleasure. 

Each of us to prove a treasure, 
Conjugal and monetary, 

Gladly will devote our leisure, 
Gay and gallant gondolieri. 

La, la, la, la, la ! etc. 

Tessa. Gay and gallant gondolieri, 

Take us both and hold us tightly, 
You have luck extraordinary ; 

We might both have been unsightly ! 

If we judge your conduct rightly, 
'Twas a choice involuntary : 

Still we thank you most politely, 
Gay and gallant gondolieri ! 

La, la, la, la, la ! etc. 

All the Girls. To these gallant gondolieri^ 

In a set and formal measure, 
It is scarcely necessary 

To express their pride and pleasure. 

Each of us to prove a treasure, 
Conjugal and monetary, 

Gladly will devote her leisure 
To the other gondolieri I 

La, la, la, la, la ! etc. 

AIL Fate in this has put his finger- 

Let us bow to Fate's decree, 
Then no longer let us linger, 
To the altar hurry we ! 

[They dance off two and tiuo GIANETTA with MAHCO, 
TESSA with GIUSEPPE]. 



314 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR, 

Flourish. A gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from 
luhich enter the DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO, the DUCHESS, 
their daughter CASILDA, and their attendant Luiz, who 
carries a drum. All are dressed in pompous, lut old and 
^aded clothes. 

/ 

ENTREE. 

Duke. From the sunny Spanish shore, 

His Grace of Plaza-Tor' 
Duck. And His Grace's Duchess true 

Cas. And His Grace's daughter, too 

Luiz. And His Grace's private drum 

To Venetia's shores have come : 
All. And if ever, ever, ever 

They get back to Spain, 
They will never, never, never 
Cross the sea again ! 

Duke. Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore, 

The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor' 

Duch. Nor his Grace's Duchess, staunch and true 

Cas. You may add, his Grace's daughter, too 

Luiz. And his Grace's own particular drum 

To Venetia's shores any more will come. 
All. And if ever, ever, ever 

They get back to Spain, 
They will never, never, never 
Cross the sea again ! 

Duke. At last we have arrived at our destination. This is 
the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor 
resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I 
regret that I am unable to pay iny state visit on a horse. As a 
Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to 
ride through the streets of Venice ; but owing, I presume, to an 
unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that 
equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our 
suite ? 

Luiz (coming forward). Your Grace, I am here. 

Duch. Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when 
you address his Grace ? 

Duke. My love, it is so small a matter ! (To Luiz.) Still, you 
may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.) 

Cas. The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect 
appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian 
hidalgo. 

Duke. My child, you are hard upon our suite. 

Cas. Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons 
in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that 
position, let him be whipped until he does. 



THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 315 

Duke. Let us hope the omission was not intended as a 
slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would 
he. (To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have 
had the honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand 
Inquisitor might be made in becoming state ? 

Luiz. Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who 
stipulated for a trifle on account. 

Duke. How tiresome ! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquis- 
itor is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have 
had the honour of escorting us ? I see no band ! 

Luiz. Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required 
to be paid in advance. 

Duch. That's so like a band ! 

Duke (annoyecT). Insuperable difficulties meet me at every 
turn ! 

Duch. But surely they know his Grace ? 

Luiz. Exactly they know his Grace. 

Duke. Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf 
gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do 
not happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a 
cornet-a-piston ? 

Luiz. Alas, no, your Grace ! But I can imitate a farmyard. 

Duke (doubtfully). I don't see how that would help us. I 
don't see how we could bring it in. 

Cas. It would not help us in the least. We are not a parcel 
of graziers come to market, dolt ! 

Duke. My love, our suite's feelings ! (To Luiz.) Be so good 
as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his 
Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro 

Duch. And suite 

Duke. Have arrived at Venice, and seek 

Cas. Desire 

Duch. Demand ! 

Duke. And demand an audience. 

Luiz. Your Grace has but to command. (Rising.) 

Duke (much moved). I felt sure of it I felt sure of it ! 
(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love (aside to 
DUCHESS), shall we tell her ? I think so. (Aloud to CASILDA.) 
And now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is 
my agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make 
you the happiest young lady in Venice ! 
Cas. A secret ? 

Duch. A secret which, for State reasons, it has been necessary 
to preserve for twenty years. 

Duke. When you were a prattling babe of six months old 



316 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR, 

you were married by proxy to no less a personage than the 
infant son and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy 
King of Barataria ! 

Cas. Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria ? It 
was a most unpardonable liberty ! 

Duke. Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly 
after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the 
creed of his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of 
the most bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor, 
determined that the innovation should not be perpetuated in 
Barataria, caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be 
stolen and conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Metho- 
dist Monarch and all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an 
insurrection, and we are here to ascertain the whereabouts of 
your husband, nnd to hail you, our daughter, as Her Majesty, 
the reigning Queen of Barataria ! (Kneels.) 

Duck. Your Majesty ! {Kneels.} 

Duke. It is at such moments as these that one feels how 
necessary it is to travel with a full band. 

Cas. I, the Queen of Barataria ! But I've nothing to wear ! 
We are practically penniless ! 

Duke. That point has not escaped me. Although I am un- 
happily in straightened circumstances at present, my social 
influence is something enormous ; and a Company, to be called 
the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to 
work me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I 
myself shall join the Board after allotment. 

Cas. Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may 
be called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in 
process of liquidation ? 

Duch. The speculation is not exempt from that drawback. 
If your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to 
wind him up. 

Cas. But it's so undignified it's so degrading ! A Grandee 
of Spain turned into a public company ! Such a thing was 
never heard of! 

Duke. My child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow 
fashions he leads them. He always leads everybody. When 
he was in the army he led his regiment. He occasionally led 
them into action. He invariably led them out of it. 

SONG. DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. 

In enterprise of martial kind, 

When there was any fighting, 
He led his regiment from behind 

He foxmd it less exciting. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 317 

But when away his regiment ran, 
His place was at the fore, 
That celebrated, 
Cultivated, 
Underrated 

Nobleman, 
The Duke of Plaza'-Toro ! 

All. In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha ! 

You alwavs found that knight, ha, ha ! 
That celebrated, 
Cultivated, 
Underrated 

Nobleman, 
The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 

When, to evade Destruction's hand, 

To hide they all proceeded, 
No soldier in that gallant band 
Hid half as well as he did. 
He lay concealed throughout the war, 
And so preserved his gore, ! 
That unaffected, 
Undetected, 
Well-connected 

Warrior, 
The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 

All. In every doughty deed, ha, ha ! 

He always took the lead, ha, ha ! 
That unaffected, 
Undetected, 
Well-connected 

Warrior, 
The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 

When told that they would all be shot 

Unless they left the service, 
That hero hesitated not, 

So marvellous his nerve is. 
He sent his resignation in, 

The first of all his corps, ! 
That very knowing, 
Over-flowing, 
Easy-going 

Paladin, 
The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 

All. To men of grosser clay, ha, ha ! 

He always showed the way, ha, ha : 
That very knowing, 
Over-flowing, 
Easy-going 
Paladin, 
The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 



318 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR, 

[Exeunt DUKE and DUCHESS into Grand Ducal Palace. 
As soon as they have disappeared, Luiz and CASILDA 
rush to each others arms. 

RECITATIVE AND DUETTIXO. CASILDA AND Luiz. 

Oh, rapture, when alone together 

Two loving hearts and those that bear them 

May join in temporary tether, 
Though Fate apart should rudely tear them, 

Necessity, Invention's mother, 

Compelled -: ,V ! to a course of feigning 
But left alone with one another, 

TllTshalt} ato efor {K} disdaining! 

Cus. Ah, well-beloved, 

Mine angry frown 
Is but a gown 
That serves to dress 
My gentleness ! 

Lui-. Ah, well-beloved, 

Thy cold disdain, 
It gives no pain 
'Tis mercy, played 
In masquerade ! 

Both. Ah, well-beloved ! 

(7a. Oh, Luiz, Luiz what have you said ! What have I 
done ! What have I allowed you to do ! 

Luiz. Nothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to 
repent. (Offering to embrace her.) 

Gas. (withdrawing from him}. Nay, Luiz, it may not be. I 
have embraced you for the last time. 

Luiz (cimazed). Casilda ! 

Cas. I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation, that 
I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of Bara- 
taria ! 

Luiz. The son of the King of Barataria? The child who 
was stolen in infancy by the Inquisition ? 

Cas. The same. But, of course, you know his stoiy. 

Luiz. Know his story ? Why I have often told you that my 
mother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted ! 

Cas. True. I had forgotten. Well, he has been discovered, 
and my father has brought me here to claim his hand. 

Luiz. But you will not recognize this marriage? It took 
place when you were too young to understand its import. 

Cas. Nay, Luiz, respect niy principles and cease to torture 
me with vain entreaties. Henceforth my life is another's. 



THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 319 

Luiz. But stay the present and the future they are 
another's ; but the past that at least is ours, and none can 
take it from us. As we may revel in naught else, let us revel 
in that ! 

Cas. I don't think I grasp your meaning. 

Luiz. Yet it is logical enough. You say you cease to love 
me? 

Cas. (demurely). I say I may not love yon. 

Luiz. But you do not say you did, not love me ? 

Cas. I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to 
express and that but ten brief minutes since ! 

Luiz. Exactly. My own that is, until ten minutes since, 
my own my lately loved, my recently adored tell me that 
until, say a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee ! 

[Embracing her. 

Cas. I see your idea. It's ingenious ; but don't do that. 

[Releasing herself. 

Luiz. There can be no harm in revelling in the past. 

Cas. None whatever ; but an embrace cannot be taken to act 
retrospectively. 

Luiz. Perhaps not ! 

Cas. We may recollect an embrace I recollect many but 
we must not repeat them. 

Luiz. Then let us recollect a few ! (^4 moment's pause, as 
they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.} 

Luiz. Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the earth ! 

Cas. A quarter of an hour ago ? 

Luiz. About that. 

Cas. And to think that, but for this miserable discovery, you 
would have been my own for life ! 

Luiz. Through life to death a quarter of an hour ago ! 

Cas. How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the 
golden melody of those sweet words a quarter well it's now 
about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.) 

Luiz. About that. In such a matter one cannot be too 
precise. 

Cas. Then, henceforth, our love is but a memory ! 

Luiz. It must be so, Casilda ! 

Cas. Luiz, it must be so ! 

DUET. CASILDA AND Luix. 

Lu\~. There was a time 

A time for ever gone ah, woe is me ! 
It was no crime 

To love but thee alone ah, woe is me ! 



320 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

One heart, one life, one soul, 

One aim one goal 
Each in the other's thrall, 

Each all in all, ah, woe is me ! 

Ensemble. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er 

The days that were that never will be more ! 
Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn, 
And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem ! 

Cas. Dead as the last year's leaves 

As gathered flowers ah, woe is me ! 
Dead as the garnered sheaves, 

That love of ours ah, woe is me ! 
Born but to fade and die 

When hope was high, 
Dead and as far away 

As yesterday ah, woe is me ! 

Ensemble. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er, etc. 

Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the DUKE and DUCHESS, fol- 
lowed ly DON ALHAMBRA BOLERO, the Grand Inquisitor. 

Duke. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction 
Don Alhambra Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was 
His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant 
husband and brought him to Venice. 

Don Al. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly 
called upon to assume the functions of Royalty ! And a very 
nice little lady, too ! 

Duke. Jimp, isn't she ? 

Don Al. Distinctly jimp. Allow me. (Proceeds to inspect 
her she turns away scornfully.') Naughty temper ! 

Duke. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head 
is a little turned by her access of dignity. 

Don Al. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of 
dignity had turned it in this direction. (Aside.) Prettily put ! 

Duch. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to 
be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts. 

Cas. A doubt as to his whereabouts ? Then I may yet be 
saved ! 

Don Al. A doubt ? Oh dear, no no doubt at all ! He is 
here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a 
gondolier. I can give you his address I see him every day ! 
In the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no circum- 
stance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any kind 
whatever ! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 321 

SONG. GRAND INQUISITOR. 

I stole the prince, and I brought him here, 

And left him, gaily prattling 
With a highly respectable gondolier, 
Who promised the Royal babe to rear, 
And teach him the trade of a timoneer 

With his own beloved bratling. 

Both of the babes were strong and stout, 

And, considering all things, clever. 
Of that there is no manner of doubt- 
No probable, possible shadow of doubt 
No possible doubt whatever. 

Time sped, and when at the end of a year 
I sought that infant cherished, 

That highly respectable gondolier 

Was lying a corpse on his humble bier 

I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear- 
That gondolier had perished. 

A taste for drink, combined with gout, 

Had doubled him up for ever. 
Of that there is no manner of doubt 
No probable, possible shadow of doubt- 
No possible doubt whatever. 

^ 

But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, 

To his terrible taste for tippling, 
That highly respectable gondolier 
Could never declare with a mind sincere 
Which of the two was his offspring dear. 

And which the Royal stripling ! 

Which was which he could never make out, 

Despite his best endeavour. 
Of that there is no manner of doubt 
No probable, possible shadow of doubt- 
No possible doubt whatever. 

The children followed his old career 

(This statement can't be parried) 
Of a highly respectable gondolier : 
Well, one of the two (who will soon be here) 
But which of the two is not quite clear 

Is the Royal Prince you married ! 

Search in and out and round about 

And you'll discover never 
A tale so free from every doubt 
All probable, possible shadow of doubt 

All possible doubt whatever ! 

Cas. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of 
two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which ? 

Don AL Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be 
reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is 

in. V 



322 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

the mother of the musical young man who is such a past- 
master of that delicately modulated instrument. (Indicating 
the drum.) She can, no doubt, establish the King's identity 
beyond all question. 

Luiz. Heavens, how did he know that ? 

Don Al. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up 
to date. (To CAS.) His mother is at present the wife of a 
highly respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on 
an extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Ac- 
companied by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for 
his mother's address. She will return with them, and if she 
finds any difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive 
influence of the torture-chamber will jog her memory. 

EECITATIVE. 

GTS. But, bless my heart, consider my position ! 

I am the wife of one, that's very clear ; 
But who can tell, except by intuition, 
Which is the Prince 3 and which the Gondolier? 

Don All. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle : 

Such complications frequently occur 
Life is one closely complicated tangle : 
Death is the only true unraveller ! 

QUINTETTE. 
CASILDA, DUCHESS, Luiz, DUKE, INQUISITOR. 

Try we life-long, we can never 
Straighten out life's tangled skein, 

Why should we, in vain endeavour. 
Guess and guess and guess again ? 
Life's a pudding full of plums, 
Care's a canker that benumbs. 

Wherefore waste our elocution 

On impossible solution ? 

Life's a pleasant institution, 

Let us take it as it comes ! 

Set aside the dull enigma, 
We shall guess it all too soon ; 

Failure brings no kind of stigma 
Dance we to another tune ! 

String the lyre and fill the cup, 
Lest on sorrow we should sup. 

Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, 

Hands across and down the middle 

Life's perhaps the only riddle 

That we shrink from giving up ! 

[Exeunt all except GEAND INQUISITOR into Ducal Palace. 



THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 323 

Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by MARCO, GIANETTA, 

GIUSEPPE, and TESSA. 

CHORUS. 
Bridegroom and bride ! 

Knot that's insoluble, 

Voices all voluble 
Hail it with pride. 
Bridegroom and bride ! 

Hail it with merriment ; 

It's an experiment 
Frequently tried. 

Bridegroom and bride ! 

Bridegrooms all joyfully, 

Brides, rather coyfully, 
Stand at their side. 
Bridegroom and bride ! 

We in sincerity, 

Wish you prosperity, 
Bridegroom and bride ! 

SONG. TESSA. 

When a merry maiden marries, 
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; 
Every sound becomes a song, 
All is right and nothing's wrong ! 
From to-day and ever after 
Let our tears be tears of laughter. 
Every sigh that finds a vent 
Be a sigh of sweet content ! 
When you marry, merry maiden, 
Then the air with love is laden ; 

Every flower is a rose, 
Every goose becomes a swan, 
Every kind of trouble goes 

Where the last year's snows have gone ! 
Sunlight takes the place of shade 
When you marry, merry maid ! 

When a merry maiden marries 
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; 

Every sound becomes a song 

All is right, and nothing's wrong. 
Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow 
Get 3 r e gone until to-morrow ; 

Jealousies in grim array, 

Ye are things of yesterday ! 
When you marry, merry maiden, 
Then the air with joy is laden ; 

All the comers of the earth 
Ring with music sweetly played, 

Worry is melodious mirth, 
Grief is joy in masquerade ; 



324 THE GONDOLIERS; OR> 

Sullen night is laughing day 
All the year is merry May ! 

\_At the end of the song DON ALHAMBRA enters at back. 
The Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, 
and gradually go off) much alarmed. 

Giu. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest ! 
What's a bachelor? A mere nothing he's a chrysalis. He 
can't be said to live he exists. 

Mar. What a delightful institution marriage is! Why 
have we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten 
years ago? 

Tess. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough. 

Gia. Because you were waiting for us. 

Mar. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting 
for you without knowing it. (Dox ALHAMBRA comes forward.) 
Hallo ! 

Giu. If this gentleman is an undertaker, it is a bad 
omen. 

Don Al. Good morning. Festivities of some sort going on. 

Giu. {aside). He is an undertaker ! {Aloud.) No a little 
unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line. 

Don Al. Somebody's birthday, I suppose ? 

Giu. "Yes, mine ! 

less. And mine ! 

Gia. And mine ! 

Mar. And mine ! 

Don Al. Curious concidence ! And how old may you be. 

Tess. It's a rude question but about ten minutes. 

Don Al. Surely you are jesting ? 

Tess. In other words, we were married about ten minutes 
since. 

Don Al. Married ! You don't mean to say you are married ? 

Mar. Oh yes, we are married. 

Don Al. What, both of you ? 

Gia. All four of us. 

Don Al. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward ! 

Gia. You don't mind, I suppose ? 

Tess. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, 
I presume ? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him he was ! He's heart- 
broken ! 

Don Al. No, no I wasn't! I wasn't! (Aside.) What will the 
Duke say ? 

Giu. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't 
want anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's 
satisfied 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 325 

Don AL You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I 
don't think you know who I am. 

Giu. Not we, indeed ! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of 
Baptisto Palmieri, who led' the last revolution. Republicans, 
heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor 
oppression, we abhor kings ; as we detest vain-glory, we detest 
rank; as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are 
Venetian gondoliers your equals in everything except our 
calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants. 

Don Al. Bless my heart, how unfortunate ! One of you may 
be Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary ; but the 
other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King 
of Barataria. 

All. What ! 

Don Al. And I trust I trust it was that one who slapped 
me on the shoulder and called me his man ! 

Giu. One of us a king ! \ 

Mar. Not brothers ! I T fh 

Tess. The King of Barataria ! j 

Gia. Well, who'd have thought it ! J 

Mar. But which is it ? 

Don Al. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans, 
and hold kings in abhorrence, of course you'll abdicate at once. 
(Going.) 

Tes. and Gia. Oh, don't do that ! (MARCO and GIUSEPPE stop 
him.) 

Giu. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings. 
When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings. 

Don Al. I see. It's a delicate distinction. 

Giu. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king an ideal 
king the creature of my fancy, you know who would be 
absolutely unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would 
abolish taxes and make everything cheap, except gondolas. 

Mar. And give a great many free entertainments to the 
gondoliers. 

Giu. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and enga<_rc 

* o o 

all the gondolas for the occasion. 

Mar. And scramble money on the Rialto among the 
gondoliers. 

Giu. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if I 
were a king, that is the sort of king I would be. 

Don Al. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not 
insuperable. 

Mar. and Giu. Oh, they're not insuperable. 

Tess. and Gia. No, they're not insuperable, 



326 THE GONDOLIERS:, OR, 

Giu. Besides, we are open to conviction. Our views may 
have been hastily formed on insufficient grounds. They may 
be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a very poor opinion of 
the politician who is not open to conviction. 

Jess, (to GIA.). Oh, he's a fine fellow ! 

Gia. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money ! 

Don Al. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the country 
is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary that you 
should assume the reins of Government at once ; and, until it is 
ascertained which of you is to be king, I have arranged that 
you will reign jointly, so that no question can arise hereafter as 
to the validity of any of your acts. 

Mar. As one individual ? 

Don Al. As one individual. 

Giu. (linking himself with MARCO). Like this ? 

Don Al. Something like that. 

Mar. And we may take our friends with us, and give them 
places about the Court ? 

Don Al. Undoubtedly. 

Mar. I'm convinced ! 

GUI. So am I ! 

Tess. Then the sooner we're off the better. 

Gia. We'll just run home and pack up a few things. (Going.} 

Don AL Stop, stop that won't do at all we can't have any 
ladies. (Aside.) What will Her Majesty say ! 

All. What! ' 

Don AL Not at present. Afterwards, perhaps. We'll see. 

Giu. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate 
us from our wives ! 

Don AL (aside). This is very awkward ! (Aloud.) Only for a 
time a few months. After all, what is a few months ? 

Tcss. But we've only been married half an hour ! ( Weeps.} 

SONG. GIANETTA. 

Kind sir, you cannot have the heart 

Our lives to part 
From those to whom an hour ago 
We were united ! 
Before our flowing hopes you stem, 

Ah, look at them, 
And pause before you deal this blow, 

All uninvited ! 

You men can never understand, 
That heart and hand 
Cannot be separated when 

We go a-yeaming ; 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 327 

You see, you've only women's eyes 

To idolize, 

And only women's hearts, poor men, 
To set you burning ! 
All me, you men will never understand 
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand ! 

Some kind of charm you seem to find 

In womankind- 
Some source of unexplained delight 

(Unless you're jesting), 
]5iit what attracts you, I confess, 

I cannot guess, 

To me a woman's face is quite 
Uninteresting ! 

If from my sister I were torn, 
It could be borne 
I should, no doubt, be horrified. 

But I could bear it ; 
But Marco's quite another thing 

He is my King, 

lie has my heart, and none beside 
Shall ever share it ! 

All me, you men will never understand 
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand ! 

FINALE. 

RECITATIVE. GRAND INQUISITOK. 

Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief, 
Your separation will be very brief. 

To ascertain which is the King 

And which the other, 
To Barataria's Court I'll bring 

His foster-mother ; 
Her former nurseling to declare 

She'll be delighted. 
That settled, let each happy pair 

Be reunited. 

Mar., Gin., Tcss., Gia. Viva! His argument is strong ! 

Viva ! We'll not be parted long ! 
Viva ! It will be settled soon ! 
Viva ! Then comes our honeymoon ! 

[Exit DON ALIIAMBIIA. 

QUARTETTE. TESSA, GIANETTA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE. 

Gia, Then one of us will be a Queen, 

And sit on a golden throne, 
With a crown instead 
Of a hat on her head, 
And diamonds all her own ! 
With a beautitul robe of gold and green, 



328 THE GONDOLIERS', OR, 

I've always understood ; 

I wonder whether 

She'd wear a feather ? 
I rather think she should ! 

All, Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, 

To be a regular Royal Queen ! 
No half-and-half affair, I mean, 
But a right-down regular Royal Queen ! 

J/u>-. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair, 

With the King on her left-hand side, 

And a milkwhite horse, 

As a matter of course, 
Whenever she wants to ride ! 
With beautiful silver shoes to wear 
Upon her dainty feet ; 

With endless stocks 

Of beautiful frocks, 
And as much as she wants to eat ! 

All. Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc. 

Tess. Whenever she condescends to walk, 

Be sure she'il shine at that, 

With her haughty stare, 

And her nose in the air, 
Like a well-born aristocrat ! 
At elegant high society talk 
She'll bear away the bell, 

With her" How de do?" 

And her "How are you? " 
And her " Hope I see you well ! " 

All. Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc. 

Gin. And noble lords will scrape and bow, 

And double them into two, 

And open their eyes 

In blank surprise 
At whatever ?he likes to do. 
And everybody will roundly vow 
She's fair as flowers in May, 

And say, " How clever ! " 

At whatsoever 
She condescends to say ! 

Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, 
To be a regular Royal Queen ! 
No half-and-half affair, I mean, 
But a right-down regular Queen ! 



Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Qpntadine. 

CHORUS. 

Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity V 
This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity? 



THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 



329 



Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity? 
Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality ? 

liar, and Giu. Replying, we sing 

As one individual, 
As I find I'm a king 

To my kingdom I bid you all. 
I'm aware you object 

To pavilions and palaces, 
But you'll find I respect 

Your Republican fallacies. 

Chorus. As they know we object 

To pavilions and palaces, 
How can they respect 

Our Republican fallacies ? 

MAUCO AND GIUSEPPE. 

For every one who feels inclined, 
Some post we undertake to find 
Congenial with his peace of mind 
And all shall equal be. 

The Chancellor in his peruke 
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook, 
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook 
They all shall equal be. 

The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, 
The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots, 
The Aristocrat who cleans our boots- 
They all shall equal be ! 

The Noble Lord who rules the State 
The Noble Lord who cleans the plate 
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate 
They all shall equal be ! 

The Lord High Bishop orthodox 
The Lord High Coachman on the box 
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks 
They all shall equal be ! 
Sing high, sing low, 
"Wherever they go, 
They all shall equal be ! 

Chorus. Sing high, sing low, 

Wherever they go, 

They all shall equal be ! 

The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook, 
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook, 
The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, > 
The Aristocrat who cleans the boots, 
The Noble Lord who rules the State, 
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate, 
The Lord High Bishop orthodox, 
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks 



330 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

Sing high, sing low, 
Wherever they go, 
They all shall equal be ! 

Then, hail ! King, 

Whichever you may be, 
To you we sing, 

But do not bend the knee. 
It may be thou 

Likewise it may be thee 
So, hail ! O King, 

Whichever you may be ! 

MARCO AND GIUSEPPE (together}. 

Then let's away our island crown awaits me 
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart ! 

The thought of Royal dignity elates me, 
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart ! 

[Addressing TESSA and GIANETTA 

TESSA AND GIANETTA (together}. 

Farewell, my love ; on board you must be getting ; 

But while upon the sea you gaily roam, 
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting 

The tender little heart you've left at home ! 

Gia. Now, Marco dear, 

My wishes hear : 

While you're away 
It's understood 
You will be good, 

And not too gay. 
To every trace 
Of maiden grace 

You will be blind, 
And will not glance 
By any chance 

On womankind ! 
If you are wise, 
You'll shut your eyes 

'Till we arrive. 
And not address 
A lady less 

Than forty-five. 
You'll please to frown 
On every gown 

That you may see : 
And, oh, my pet, 
You won't forget 

You've married me ! 

Oh, my darling, oh, my pet, 
Whatever else you may forget, 
In yonder isle beyond the sea, 
Oh, don't forget you've married me ! 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 3:1 

Tcss. You'll lay your head 

Upon your bed 

At set of sun. 
You will not sing 
Of anything 

To anj r one. 
You'll sit and mope 
All day, I hope, 

And shed a tear 
Upon the life 
Your little wife 

Is passing here. 
And if so be 
You think of me, 

Please tell the moon ; 
I'll read it all 
In rays that fall 

On the lagoon ; 
You'll be so kind 
As tell the wind 

How you may be, 
And send me words 
By little birds 

To comfort me ! 

And, oh, my darling, oh, niy pet, 
Whatever else you may forget, 
In yonder isle beyond the sea, 
Oh, don't forget you've married me ! 

Chorus (during which a " Xebcque" is hauled alongside the quay). 

Then away we go to an island fair 

That lies in a Southern sea : 
We know not where, and we don't much care, 

Wherever that isle may be. 

The J/cn (haulinci on boat). One, two, three, 

Haul ! 
One, two, three, 

Haul! 
One, two, three, 

Haul ! 
With a will ! 

All. Then away we go, etc. 

SOLO. MARCO. 

Away we go 

To a balmy isle, 
Where the roses blow 

All the winter while. 

All. Then pull, yeo ho ! and again yeo ho ! (Hoisting sail.) 

And again yeo ho ! with a will ! 
When the breezes are a-blowing, 
Then our ship will be a-going, 
When they don't we shall all stand still ! 



332 THE GONDOLIERS', OR, 

And away we go to the island fair, 
That lies in a Southern sea, 

Thev I know not wliere i and \ they I don ' fc mucl1 care ' 
Wherever that isle may be ! 

\The Men embark on the " Xebeque" MARCO and 
GIUSEPPE embracing GIANETTA and TESSA. The 
Girls wave a farewell to the Men as the curtain falls. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. Pavilion in the Court of Barataria. MARCO and 
GIUSEPPE, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones, 
occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The 
Gondoliers are discovered dressed, some as courtiers, officers 
of rank, etc., and others as private soldiers and servants 
of various degrees. AH are enjoying themselves without 
reference to social distinctions some playing cards, others 
throiving dice, some reading, others playing cup and hall, 
" raorra," etc. 

CHORUS. 

Of happiness the very pith 

In Barataria you may see : 

A monarchy that's tempered with 
Republican Equality. 

This form of government we find 

The beau ideal of its kind 

A despotism strict, combined 

With absolute equality ! 

MARCO AND GIUSEPPE. 

Two kings, of undue pride bereft, 

Who act in perfect unity, 

Whom you can order right and left 

With absolute impunity. 

Who put their subjects at their ease 

By doing all they can to please ! 

And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese, 
Seize every opportunity. 

Mar. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your 
expressions of satisfaction and good-feeling. We are delighted, 
at any time, to fall in with sentiments so charmingly expressed. 

Giu. At the same time there is just one little grievance that 
we should like to ventilate. 

All (angrily). What ! 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 333 

Giu. Don't be alarmed it's not serious. It is arranged that, 
until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we are 
to act as one person. 

Giorgio. Exactly. 

Giu. Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point of 
fact, two persons. 

Annibale. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a 
legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as 
we are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities. 

Gui. No ; but you can recognize two independent appetites. 
It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you 
supply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it 
as a legal fiction carried a little too far. 

Anni. It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express an 
opinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before the 
full Court ? 

Mar. Yes, but what are we to do in the mean time? 

Anni. I think we may take an interim order for double rations 
on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to in- 
demnify in the event of an adverse decision ? 

Giorgio. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must 
work hard stick to it nothing like work. 

Giu. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who 
holds the magnificent position of King should do something to 
justify it. We are called " Your Majesty," we are allowed to 
buy ourselves magnificent clothes, our subjects frequently nod 
to us in the streets, the sentries always return our salutes, and 
we enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscriptions 
to all the principal charities. In return for these advantages 
the least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the 
Palace. 

SONG. GIUSEPPE. 

liising early in the morning, 

We proceed to light our fire, 
Then our Majesty adorning 
In its workaday attire, 

We embark without delay 
On the duties of the day. 

First, we polish off some batches 
Of political despatches, 

And foreign politicians circumvent ; 
Then, if business isn't heavy, 
We may hold a Roj'al levee, 

Or ratify some acts of parliament, 
Then we probably review the household troops 
With the usual " Shalloo humps ! " and " Shalloo hoops ! " 



334 THE GONDOLIERS', OR, 

Or receive with ceremonial and state 
An interesting Eastern potentate. 

After that we generally 

Go and dress our private valet 
(It's a rather nervous duty he's a touchy little man) 

Write some letters literary 

For our private secretary 
He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can. 

Then, in view of cravings inner, 

We go down and order dinner ; 
Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate 

Spend an hour in titivating 

All our Gentlemen-in- Waiting ; 
Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. 

Oh, philosophers may sing 

Of the troubles of a king ; 
Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great ; 

But the privilege and pleasure 

That we treasure beyond measure 
Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State. 

After luncheon (making merry 
On a bun and glass of sherry), 

If we've nothing particular to do, 
We may make a Proclamation, 
Or receive a Deputation 

Then we possibly create a Peer or two. 
Then we help a fellow-creature on his path 
With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath. 
Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State 
To a festival, a function, or a, fete. 

Then we go and stand as sentry 

At the Palace (private entry), 
Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro, 

While the warrior on duty 

Goes in search of beer and beauty 
(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). 

He relieves us, if he's able, 

Just in time to lay the table, 
Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve or one, 

With a pleasure that's emphatic, 

We retire to our attic 
With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done ! 

Oh, philosophers may sing 

Of the troubles of a King, 
But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none ; 

And the culminating pleasure 

That we treasure beyond measure 
Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done ! 

{Exeunt all lut MARCO and GIUSEPPE. 

Giu. Yet it really is a very pleasant existence. They're all 

so extraordinarily kind and considerate. You don't find them 

wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying, " It's my 



THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 335 

turu now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and 
never seem to grudge it. 

Mar. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like 
taking advantage of their good nature. 

Giu. How nice they were about the double rations. 

Mar. Most considerate. Ah ! there's only one thing wanting 
to make us thoroughly comfortable the dear little wives we 
left behind us three months ago. 

Giu. It is dull without female society. We can do without 
everything else, but we can't do without that. 

Mar. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything. 
There is only one recipe for perfect happiness. 

SONG. MARCO. 

Take a pair of sparkling eyes, 
Hidden, ever and anon, 

In a merciful eclipse 
Do not heed their mild surprise 
Having passed the Rubicon. 
Take a pair of rosy lips ; 
Take a figure trimly planned- 
Such as admiration whets 

(Be particular in this) ; 
Take a tender little hand, 

Fringed with dainty fingerettes, 
Press it in parenthesis ; 
Take all these, you lucky man 
Take and keep them, if you can ! 

Take a pretty little cot 

Quite a miniature affair 

Hung about with trellised viuc, 
Furnish it upon the spot 

With the treasures rich and rare 

I've endeavoured to define. 
Live to love and love to live 
You will ripen at your ease, 

Growing on the sunny side 
Fate has nothing more to give. 
You're a dainty man to please 

If you are not satisfied. 
Take my counsel, happy man ; 
Act upon it, if you can ! 

Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led "by FIAMETTA and 
VITTOKIA. Tliey are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who 
ivelcome them heartily. 

CHORUS OF CONTADINE. 

Here we arc, at the risk of our lives, 

From ever so far, and we've brought your wives 



336 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

And to that end we've crossed the main, 
And we don't intend to return again ! 

Fia. Though obedience is strong, 

Curiosity's stronger 
We waited for long, 

Till we couldn't wait longer. 

Vit. It's imprudent, we know, 

But without your society 
Existence was slow, 

And we long for variety 

All. So here we are, at the risk of our lives, 

From ever so far, and we've brought your wives 
And to that end we've crossed the main, 
And we don't intend to return again ! 

Enter TESSA and GIANETTA. They rush to the arms of 
GIUSEPPE and MARCO. 

Oiu. Tessa ! 

Tess. Giuseppe ! 

Oia. Marco ! 

Mar. Gianetta ! [Embrace. 

TESSA AND GIANETTA. (Alternate lines.) 

After sailing to this island 

Tossing in a manner frightful, 
We are all once more on dry land 

And we find the change delightful. 
As at home we've been remaining 

We've not seen you both for ages, 
Tell me, are you fond of reigning ? 

How's the food, and what's the wages ? 
Does your new employment please ye ? 

How does Royalizing strike you ? 
Is it difficult or easy ? 

Do you think your subjects like you ? 
I am anxious to elicit, 

Is it plain and easy steering? 
Take it altogether, is it 

Better fun than gondoliering ? 

Chorus. We shall all go on requesting, 

Till you tell us, never doubt it, 
Everything is interesting, 

Tell us, tell us all about it ! 

Is the populace exacting? 

Do they keep you at a distance ? 
All unaided are you acting, 

Or do they provide assistance ? 
When you're busy, have you got to 

Get up early in the morning ? 
If you do what you ought not to, 

Do they give the usual warning ? 



THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 337 

With a horse do they equip you ? 

Lots of trumpeting and drumming ? 
Do the Royal tradesmen tip you ? 

Ain't the livery becoming V 
Does your human being inner 

Feed on everything that nice is 'i 
Do they give you wine for dinner V 

Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices ? 

Chorus. We shall all go on requesting, 

Till you tell us, never doubt it ; 
Everything is interesting, 

Tell us, tell us all about it ! 

Mar. This is indeed a most delightful surprise ! 

Tess. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like 
this : After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days 
crawled by, and you never wrote ; so at last I said to Gianetta, 
"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs 
haven't got any one to mend their stockings, or sew on their 
buttons, or patch their clothes at least, I hope they haven't 
let us all pack up a change and go and see how they're getting 
on." And she said, " Donc," e aud they all said, " Done ; " and we 
asked old Giacopo to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done ; " and 
we've crossed the sea, and, thank goodness, that's done ; and 
here we are, and and Tve done ! 

Cria. And now which of you is King ? 

Tess. And which of us is Queen ? 

Giu. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But 
never mind that the question is, how shall we celebrate the 
commencement of our honeymoon ? Gentlemen, will you 
allow us to offer you a magnificent banquet ? 

All. We will ! 

Giu. Thanks very much ; and what do you say to a dance ? 

Tess. A banquet and a dance ! Oh, it's too much happiness ! 

CHORUS. 

We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero, 
Old Xeres we'll drink Manzanilla, Montero 
For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances 
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances ! 
To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter, 
And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter 

Glitter clitter clatter, 

Fitter pitter patter 

We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero ; 
Old Xeres we'll drink Manzanilla, Montero 
For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances 
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances ! 

CACHUCHA. 
in. z 



338 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of DON 
ALHAMBRA, ivho looks on with astonishment. MARCO and 
GIUSEPPE appear embarrassed. The others run off. 

Don Al. Good evening. Fancy ball? 
Giu. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's all. 
Don. Al. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman ! 
Giu. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman. 
Don Al. And, dear me, a common little drummer-boy ! 
Mar. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy. 
Don Al. But surely, surely the servants' hall is the place for 
these gentry ? 

Giu. Oh dear, no ! We have appropriated the servants' 
hall. It's the lloyal Apartment, and we permit no intruders. 

Mar. We really must have some place that we can call our 
own. 

Don Al. (puzzled}. I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the in- 
tellectual pressure of the conversation. 

Gin. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on Re- 
publican principles. All departments rank equally, and every- 
body is at the head of his department. 
Don Al. I see. 

Mar. I'm afraid you're annoyed. 

Don Al. No. I won't say that. It's not quito what I 
expected. 

Giu. I'm awfully sorry. 
Mar. So am I. 

Giu. By-the-by, can I offer you anything after your voyage ? 
A plate of macaroni and a rusk ? 

Don Al. (preoccupied). No, no nothing nothing. 
Giu. Obliged to be careful ? 

Don Al. Yes gout. You see, in every Court there are dis- 
tinctions that must be observed, 

Giii. (puzzled). There are, are there ? 

Don Al. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have 
a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook. 
Giu. Why not ? 

Don Al. Because a High Lord Chancellor is a personage of 
great dignity, who should never, under any circumstances, place 
himself in the position of being told to tuck in his tuppenny, 
except by noblemen of his own rank. 
Giu. Oh, I take you. 

Don Al. For instance, a Lord High Archbishop might tell a 
Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly 
not a cook. 









THE KING OF BARATARIA. 339 

Giu. Not even a Lord High Cook ? 

Don AL My good friend, that is a rank that is not recognized 
at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't do. I'll give 
you an instance in which the experiment was tried. 

SONG. DON ALIIAMBRA. 

There lived a King, as I've been told, 
In the wonder-working days of old, 
When hearts were twice as good as gold, 

And twenty times as mellow. 
Good-temper triumphed in his face, 
And in his heart he found a place 
For all the erring human race 

And every wretched fellow. 
When he had Rhenish wine to drink 
It made him very sad to think 
That some, at junket or at jink, 

Must be content with toddy. 
lie wished all men as rich as he 
(And he was rich as rich could be), 
So to the top of every tree 

Promoted everybody. 

Mar. and Giu. Now, that's the kind of King for me 
He wished all men as rich as he, 
So to the top of ever}' tree 
Promoted everybody ! 

Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats, 
And Bishops in their shovel hats 
Were plentiful as tabby cats 

In point of fact, too many. 
Ambassadors cropped up like hay, 
Prime Ministers and such as they 
Grew like asparagus in May, 

And Dukes were three a penny. 
On every side Field Marshals gleamed, 
Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed, 
With Admirals the ocean teemed 

All round his wide dominions. 
And Party Leaders you might meet 
In twos and threes in every street, 
Maintaining, with no little heat, 

Their various opinions. 

J/ r. and Giu. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat- 
Two Party Leaders in each street, 
Maintaining, with no little heat, 
Their various opinions ! 

That King, although no one denies 
His heart was of abnormal size, 
Yet he'd have acted otherwise 
If he had been acuter. 



340 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR, 

The end is easily foretold, 

When every blessed thing you hold 

Is made of silver, or of gold, 

You long for simple pewter. 
When you have nothing else to wear 
But cloth of gold and satins rare, 
For cloth of gold you cease to care 

Up goes the price of shoddy. 
In short, whoever you may be, 
To this conclusion you'll agree, 
When every one is somebodee, 

Then no one's anybody ! 

Mar. and Giu. Now that's as plain as plain can be, 
To this conclusion we agree 
When every one is somebodee, 
Then no one's anybody ! 

TESSA and GIANETTA enter unobserved. The two Girls, impelled 
by curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage. 

Don Al. And now I have some important news to communi- 
cate. His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, 
and their beautiful daughter Casilda I say their beautiful 
daughter Casilda have arrived at Barataria, and may be here 
at any moment. 

Mar. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us. 

Don Al. But the daughter the beautiful daughter ! Aha ! 
Oh, you're a lucky fellow, one of you ! 

Giu. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentle- 
man. 

Don Al. Not a bit I'll explain. Many years ago when you 
(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were 
married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beau- 
tiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be 
here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I 
congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart. 

Mar. Married when a baby ! 

Tess. and Gia. (aside). Oh! 

Giu. But we were married three months ago ! 

Don Al. One of you only one. The other (whichever it is) 
is an unintentional bigamist. 

Mar. and Giu. (bewildered). Oh, dear me! 

Tess. and Gia. {coming forward). Well, upon my word ! 

Don Al. Eh ? Who are these young people ? 

Tess. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've 
just arrived. 

Don Al. Their wives ! Oh, dear, this is very unfortunate. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 341 

Ob, dear, this complicates matters! Dear, clear, what will the 
Duke say ? 

Gia. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs 
was already married ? 

Tess. And that neither of us will be a Queen ? 

Don Al. That is the idea I intended to convey. (TESSA and 
GIANETTA l)cgin to cry.} 

Giu. (to TESSA). Tessa, my dear, dear child 

Tess. Get away ! perhaps it's you ! 

Mar. (to GIAXETTE). My poor, poor little woman ? 

Gia. Don't. Who knows whose husband you are ! 

Tess. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before 
they left Venice ? 

Don Al. Because if I had, no earthly temptation would have 
induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fasci- 
nating and utterly irresistible little ladies ! (Aside.} Neatly 
put! 

Tess. There's something in that. 

Don Al. I may mention that you will not be kept long in 
suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Koyal child is at 
present in the Torture Chamber, waiting for me to interview 
her. 

Giu. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out of 
her suspense ? 

Don Al. Oh no there's no hurry she's all right. She has 
all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate her, 
and, in the mean time, may I suggest the absolute propriety of 
your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. 

[Exit DON ALHAMBRA. 

Tess. Well, here's a pleasant state of things! 

Mar. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies, 
and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one 
young lady whom nobody can identify ! 

Gia. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other 
is married to nobody. 

Tess. But which of you is married to which of us, and what's 
to become of the other ? (About to cry.) 

Giu. It's quite simple. Two husbands have managed to 
acquire three wives. Three wives two husbands. (Reckon! mj 
up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife. 

Tess. Oh, Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic ! My 
good sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction ! 

Giu. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction. 

Mar. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is en- 
tangled. Let's try and comb it out. 



342 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 



QUARTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA. 

In a contemplative fashion, 

And a tranquil frame of mind, 
Free from every kind of passion, 

Some solution let us find. 
Let us grasp the situation, 

Solve the complicated plot 
Quiet, calm deliberation 

Disentangles every knot. 

Tcss. I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded The Others. In a con- 

That's, of course, a slice of luck, [templative fashion, etc. 
He is rather dunder-headed, 

Still distinctly, he's a duck. 

Gia. . I, a victim too of Cupid, The Others. Let us grasp 

Marco married that is clear. [the situation, etc. 

He's particularly stupid, 

Still distinctly, he's a dear. 

Mar. To Gianetta I was mated ; The Others. In a con- 

I can prove it in a trice : [templative fashion, etc. 

Though her charms are overrated, 
Still I own she's rather nice. 

Giu. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, The Others. Let us grasp 

All at once a victim fell. [the situation, etc. 

She is what is called a silly, 

Still she answers pretty well. 

Mar. Now when we were pretty babies 

Some one married us, that is clear 

Gia. And if I can catch her 

I'll pinch her and scratch her, 
And send her away with a flea in her ear. 

Giu. lie, whom that young lady married, 

To receive her can't refuse. 
Tess. If I overtake her 

I'll warrant I'll make her 

To shake in her aristocratical shoes ! 

Gia. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe 

You and he will have to part 
Tcss. (to Gia.). If I have to do it 

I'll warrant she'll rue it 

I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart ! 

Tess. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco 

You're a spinster, that is plain 

Gia. (to Tess.). No matter no matter, 

If I can get at her 
I doubt if her mother will know her again ! 

All. Quiet, calm deliberation 

Disentangles every knot ! 

[Exeunt, pondering. 



TIfE KING OF BARATAR1A. 343 

MARCH. Enter procession of Kctainers, heralding approach of 
DUKE, DUCHESS, and CASILDA. All three are now dressed 
ivith tlie utmost magnificence. 

CHORUS. 

With ducal pomp and ducal pride 

(Announce these comers, 

O ye kettle-drummers !) 
Come* Barataria's high-born bride. 

(Ye sounding cymbals clang !) 
She comes to claim the lioyal hand 

(Proclaim their Graces, 

O ye double basses !) 
Of the King who rules this goodly land. 

(Ye brazen brasses bang!) 

Duke. This polite attention touches 

Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess, 
Duck. Who resign their pet 

With profound regret. 
Duke. She of beauty was a model 

When a tiny tiddle-toddle, 
Duch. And at twenty-one 

She's excelled by none ! 
All. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc. 

Duke (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform Ills 
Majesty that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has 
arrived, and begs 

Cas. Desires. 

Duch. Demands. 

Duke. And demands an audience. (Exeunt, attendants.) 
And, now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom 
you were united under such interesting and romantic circum- 
stances. 

Cas. But which is it? There arc two of them ! 

Duke. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double 
gentleman ; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage 
are ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single gentle- 
man thus presenting a unique example of an individual who 
becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation. 

Duch. (severely). I have known instances in which the cha- 
racteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the same 
individual. 

Duke. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toio. 

Cas. Well, whatever happens, I shall of course be a dutiful 
wife, but I can never love my husband. 

Duke. I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing 
people one can love if one gives one's mind to it. 



344 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

Ducli. I loved your father. 

Duke. My love that remark is a little hard, I think? 
Bather cruel, perhaps ? Somewhat uncalled for, I venture to 
believe ? 

Ducli. It was very difficult, my dear ; but I said to myself, 
1 ' That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my 
relations bet me I couldn't, but I did desperately ! 

SOXG. DUCHESS. 

On the day when I was wedded 

To your admirable sire, 
I acknowledge that I dreaded 

An explosion of his ire. 
I was overcome with panic- 
Tor his temper was volcanic, 
And I didn't dare revolt, 
For I feared a thunderbolt ! 
I was always very wary, 

For his fury was ecstatic 
His refined vocabulary 

Most unpleasantly emphatic. 
To the thunder 

Of this Tartar 
I knocked under 
Like a martyr ; 
When intently 

He was fuming, 
I was gently 

Unassuming 
When reviling 

Me completely, 
I was smiling 

Very sweetly : 

Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst- 
That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor at first ! 

But I found that a reliance 

On my threatening appearance, 
And a resolute defiance 

Of marital interference, 
And a gentle intimation 
Of my firm determination 

To see what I could do 

To be wife and husband too, 
Was all that was required 

For to make his temper supple, 
And you couldn't have desired 

A more reciprocating couple. 
Ever willing 
To be wooing, 



We were billing 
We were cooing ; 






THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 345 

When I merely 

From him parted 
We were nearly 
Broken-hearted 
When in sequel 

Reunited, 
We were equal- 
Ly delighted. 

So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast, 
I tamed your insignificant progenitor at last ! 

Cas. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a 
shady family he has married into he will repudiate the contract 
altogether. 

Duke. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the 
lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, 
who can look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not 
every nobleman who is ninety-five quarters in arrear I mean, 
who can look back upon ninety-five of them ! And this, just 
as I have been floated at a premium ! Oh, fie ! 

Ducli. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your 
Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over 
and over again. 

Duke. My dear, her Majesty's father was in the habit of 
being applied for over and over again and very urgently 
applied for, too long before he was registered under the Limited 
Liability Act. 

RECITATIVE, DUKE. 

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, 
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment ; 
Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative : 
The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative ! 

DUET. DUKE AND DUCHESS. 

Duke. Small titles and orders 

For Mayors and Recorders 

I get and they're highly delighted 
Dnch. They're highly delighted ! 

Duke. M.P.'s baroneted, 

Sham Colonel's gazetted, 

And second-rate Aldermen knighted 
Duch. Yes, Aldermen knighted. 

Duke. Foundation-stone laying 

I find very paying : 

It adds a large sum to my makings 
Duch. Large sum to his makings. 

Duke. At charity dinners 

The best of speech-spinners, 

I get ten per cent, on the takings 
Duch. One-tenth of the takings. 



346 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

Duck. I present any lady 

Whose conduct is shady 

Or smacking of doubtful propriety 
Duke. Doubtful propriety. 

Duch. When Virtue would quash her, 

I take and whitewash her, 

And launch her in first-rate society 
Duke. First-rate society ! 

Duch, I recommend acres 

Of clumsy dressmakers 

Their fit and their finishing touches 
Duke. Their finishing touches. 

Duch. A sum in addition 

They pay for permission 

To say that they make for the Duchess 
Duke. The) r make for the Duchess ! 

Duke. Those pressing prevailers, 

The ready-made tailors, 

Quote me as their great double-barrel 
Duch. Their great double-barrel. 

Duke. I allow them to do so, 

Though Robinson Crusoe 

Would jib at their wearing-apparel ! 
Duch. Such wearing-apparel ! 

Duke. I sit, by selection, " 

Upon the direction 

Of several Companies' bubble 
Duch. All Companies' bubble ! 

Duke. As soon as they're floated 

I'm freely bank-noted 

I'm pretty well paid for my trouble ! 
Duch. He's paid for his trouble ! 

Duch. At middle-class party 

I play at e carte 

And I'm by no means a beginner 
Duke (significantly). She's not a beginner. 
Duch. To one of my station 

The remuneration 

Five guineas a-night and my dinner 
Duke. And wine with her dinner. 

Duch. I write letters blatant 

On medicines patent 

And use any other you mustn't 
DuJcc. Believe me, you mustn't 

Duch. And vow my complexion 

Derives its perfection 

From somebody's soap which it doesu't- 
Dukc (significantly). It certainly doesn't ! 

Duke. We're ready as witness 

To any one's fitness 

To till any place or preferment 
Duch. A place or preferment. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 347 

Duch. We're often in waiting 

At junket oijetinff, 

And sometimes attend an interment 
Duke. We like an interment. 

Jloth. In short, if you'd kindle 

The spark of a swindle, 
Lure simpletons into your clutches 

Yes ; into your clutches. 
Or hookwink a debtor, 
You cannot do better 

DucJi. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess 

Duke. A Duke or a Duchess ! 

Enter MARCO and GIUSEPPE. 

Duke. Ah ! their Majesties. (Bows with great ceremony.) 

Mar. Ttie Duke of Plaza-Tore, I believe? 

Duke. The same. (MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake lands 
with him. The DUKE lows ceremoniously. They endeavour to 
imitate him.) Allow me to present 

Giu. The young lady one of us married? 

[MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake hands with her. 
CASILDA curtsies formally. They endeavour to 
imitate her. 

Cas. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of 
you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz ! 

Duke. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman 
whom my daughter married ; the other may allow his attention 
to wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not 
concern him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combina- 
tion of excellences which you would search for in vain in any 
young lady who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. 
There is some little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman 
I am addressing, and which is the gentleman who is allowing 
his attention to wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall 
say (still addressing the attentive gentleman), " Take her, and 
may she make you happier than her mother has made me." 

Ditch. Sir! 

Duke. If possible. And now there is a little matter to which 
I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in State 
with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty, my daughter, 
and what do I find ? Do I find, fur instance, a guard of honour 
to receive me? No. The town illuminated? No. Refresh- 
ment provided ? No. A Royal salute fired ? No. Triumphal 
arches erected ? No. The bells set ringing ? Yes one the 
Visitors', and I rang it myself. It is not enough. 

Giu. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but, you see, I was 



348 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined 
to taking off my hat to my passengers when they tip me. 

Ducli. That's all very well, but it is not enough. 

Qiu. I'll take off anything else in reason. 

Duke. But a Eoyal Salute to my daughter it costs so little. 

Gas. Papa, I don't want a salute. 

Giu. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is entitled 
to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as she likes. 

Mar. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you 
don't know our people they wouldn't stand it. 

Giu. They are very off-hand with us very off-hand indeed. 

Duke. Oh, but you mustn't allow that you must keep them 
in proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your 
importance. You want deportment carriage manner 
dignity. There must be a good deal of this sort of thing 
(business) and a little of this sort of thing (business) and 
possibly just a souppon of this sort of thing ! (business) and 
so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most effective. Just attend to 
me. You are a king I am a subject. Very good 

QUINTETTE. DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE. 
Duke. I am a courtier grave and serious 

Who is about to kiss your hand : 
Try to combine a pose imperious 
With a demeanour nobly bland. 
Mar. and} Let us combine a pose imperious 
Giu. j With a demeanour nobly bland. 

[MARCO and GIUSEPPE endeavour to carry out his in- 
structions. 

Duke. That's, if anything, top unbending 

Too aggressively stiff and grand ; 

[They suddenly modify their attitudes. 

Now to the other extreme you're tending 
Don't be so deucedly condescending ! 
Duch. and \ Now to the other extreme you're tending 
Cas. j Don't be so dreadfully condescending ! 

Mar. and \ Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem ! 
Giu. j At first, if anything, too unbending ! 

Off we go to the other extreme 
Too confoundedly condescending ; 

Dulic. Now a gavotte perform sedately 

Offer your hand with conscious pride ; 
Take an attitude not too stately, 
Still sufficiently dignified. 

Mar. and \ Now for an attitude not too stately, 
Giu. j Still sufficiently dignified. 

[They endeavour to carry out his instructions. 



THE KING OF BARATARIA. 349 

Duke (beating time.) 

Oncely, twicely onccly, twicely 

Bow impressively ere you glide. \_Thcy do so. 

Capital both you've caught it nicely ! 
That is the sort of thing precisely ! 
Duch. and \ Capital both they've caught it nicely ! 
Cas. j That is the sort of thing precisely ! 

3Iar. and \ Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise ! 
Giu, $ Capital both we've caught it nicely ! 

Supposing he's right in what he says, 
This is the sort of thing precisely ! 

[GAVOTTE. At the end exeunt DUKE and DUCHESS, 
leaving CASILDA with MARCO and GIUSEPPE. 

Giu. (to MARCO.) The old birds have gone away and left the 
young chickens together. That's called tact. 

Mar. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how 
we are situated. It's not fair to the girl. 

Giu. Undoubtedly, but I don't know how to begin. (To 
CASILDA.) A Madam 

Cas. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you ; but it is right 
to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I am 
over head and ears in love with somebody else. 

Giu. Our case exactly ! We are over head and ears in love 
with somebody else ! (Enter TESSA and GIANETTA.) In point 
of fact, with our wives ! 

Cas. Your wives ! Then you are married V 

Tess. It's not our fault, you know. We knew nothing about 
it. We are sisters in misfortune. 

Cas. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go 
any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory arrange- 
ment, or we shall get hopelessly complicated. 

QUINTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA, CASILDA. 

All. Here is a fix unprecedented ! 

Here are a King and Queen ill-starred ! 
Ever since marriage was first invented 

Never was known a case so hard ! 
Mar. and \ I may be said to have been bisected, 
Giu. \ By a profound catastrophe ! 

Gia., Tcss., \ Through a calamity unexpected 
and Cass. ) I am divisible into three ! 

Oh, moralists all, 
How can you call 
Marriage a state oi' unitee, 
When excellent husbands are bisected, 
And wives divisible into three? 



350 THE GONDOLIERS; OR, 

Enter DON ALHAMBRA, followed by DUKE, DUCHESS, and all 

the Chorus. 

FINALE. 
RECITATIVE. DON ALHAMRUA. 

Now let the loyal lieges gather round 
The Prince's foster-mother has been found ! 
She will declare, to silver clarion's sound, 
The rightful King let him forthwith be crowned ! 
Chorus. She will declare, etc. 

[DON ALHAMBRA brings forward INEZ, the Princes 
foster-mother. 

Tcss. Speak, woman, speak 

Duke. We're all attention 

Gia. The news we seek 

Cas. This moment mention. 

Duch. To us they bring 

Don Al. His foster-mother. 

Mar. Is he the King ? 

Gin. Or this my brother ? 

All. Speak, woman, speak, etc. 

RECITATIVE. INEZ. 

The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted 
To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted ; 
When traitors came to steal his son reputed, 
My own small boy I deftly substituted ! 
The villains fell into the trap completely 
I hid the Prince away still sleeping sweetly ; 
I called him " son" with pardonable slyness 
His name, Luiz ! Behold his Royal Highness ! 

[Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed 

as King. 

Cas. (rushing to his arms). Luiz ! 
Luiz. Casilda ! (Embraced) 

All. Is this indeed the King, 

Oh, wondrous revelation ! 
Oh, unexpected thing ! 

Unlooked-for situation ! [ They kneel. 

MAUCO, GlANETTA, GlUSEPPE, TESSA. 

This statement we receive' 

With sentiments conflicting ; 
Our thoughts rejoice and grieve, 

Each other contradicting ; 
To those whom we adore 

We can be reunited 
On one point rather sore, 

But, on the whole, delighted ! 






THE KING OF BARATARIA. 351 

CASILDA, Lurz, DUKE, AN*D DUCHESS. 
Luiz. When others claimed thy dainty hand, 

I waited waited waited waited, 
Duke. As prudence (so I understand) 

Dictated tated tated tated. 

C(ts. By virtue of our early vow 

Recorded corded corded corded, 
Duch. Your pure and patient love is now 

Rewarded warded ward ed warded . 

All. Then hail, King of a Golden Land, 

And the high-born bride who claims his hand- 
The past is dead, and you gain your own, 
A royal crown and a golden throne ! 

Mar, and Gin. Once more cjondolieri, 

Both skilful and wary, 
Free from this quandary 

Contented are we. 
From Royalty flying, 
Our gondolas plying 
And merrily crying 

Our "preme," "stall!" 

All. So, good-bye cachucha, fandango, bolero 

We'll dance a farewell to that measure- 
Old Xeres, adieu Manzanilla Montcro 
We leave you with feelings of pleasure ! 

CURTAIN. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA, 
IN TWO ACTS. 



Produced at the Lyric Theatre^ London, wider the management of 
MR. HORACE SEDGER, on Monday, January ^th, 1892. 



in, 2 A 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

ARROSTINO ANNEGATO, Captain of the Tamorras a Secret Society. 

GIORGIO RAVIOLI ^ 

T > Members of his Hand. 

LUIGI SPAGHETTI J 

ALFREDO, a Young Peasant, loved by ULTRICE, lut in love with TERESA. 

PIETRO, Proprietor of a Troupe of Mountebanks. 

BARTOLO, his Clown. 

ELVINO DI PASTA, an Innkeeper. 

RISOTTO, one of the Tamorras just married to MINESTRA. 

BEPPO. 

TERESA, a Village Beauty ', loved by ALFREDO, and in love with herself. 

ULTRICE, in love with, and detested by, ALFREDO, 

NITA, a Dancing Girl. 

MINESTRA, Risotto's Bride. 

Tamorras, Monks, Village Girls, etc. 

ACT I. 

EXTERIOR OF ELVINO'S INN, ON A PICTURESQUE 
SICILIAN PASS. MORNING. 

ACT II. 

EXTERIOR OF A DOMINICAN MONASTERY. 
MOONLIGHT. 

DATB-EARLY ix THE 19Tii CENT tin Y, 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. A mountain Inn on a picturesque Sicilian pass. A 
range of mountains, with Etna in the distance. In the 
middle distance, a Monastery on a steep rocky elevation. 

As the curtain rises, a procession of Dominican Monks ivinds 
down the set pieces on to the stage. 

CHAUNT. 

fHtemrc ! 
SImfcra fcrr, 
pauper gum fctafinlutf. 



CEhtum aramu3 



>ittcnj tfumquc, 
plerumque, 



[The procession of Monks exit. As they are going off, 
GIORGIO, a member of the Tamorra Secret Society, 
appears on the set, and watches them off. As soon 
as the coast is clear, he comes down, and beckons 
to the rest of the band, ivho, headed by LUIGI, 
appear from various entrances, and come doivn 
mysteriously. 

CHORUS OP TAMOURAS. 

We are members of a Secret Society, 

Working by the moon's uncertain disc ; 
Our motto is " Revenge without Anxiety " 

That is, -without unnecessary risk ; 



356 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

We pass our nights on damp straw and squalid hay 

When trade is not particularly brisk ; 
But now and then we take a little holiday, 

And spend our honest earnings in a frisk. 

SOLO. GIORGIO. 

Five hundred years ago, 

Our ancestor's next door neighbour 

Had a mother whose brother, 

By some means or other, 
Incurred three months' hard labour. 

This wrongful sentence, though, 
On his head he contrived to do it, 

As it tarnished our scutcheon, 

Which ne'er had a touch on, 
We swore mankind should rue it ! 

All. Yes yes yes ! 

We swore mankind should rue it ! 

So we're members of a Secret Society, 
Working by the moon's uncertain disc ; 

Our motto is "Eevenge without Anxiety" 
That is, without unnecessary risk. 

Enter from Inn, ELVINO DI PASTA. 

El. Bless my heart, what are you all doing here? How 
comes it that you have ventured in so large a body so near to 
the confines of civilization ? And by daylight, too ! It seems 
rash. 

Oio. Elvino, we are here under circumstances of a romantic 
and sentimental description. We are all going to be married ! 

EL What, all of you ? 

Lui. One each day during the next three weeks. What do 
you say to that ? 

El. Why, that it strikes at the root of your existence as a 
Secret Society, that's all. And who is to be the first ? 

Gio. The first is Eisotto, who went down to the village this 
morning, disguised as a stockbroker, to be married to Minestra, 
and we expect the happy couple back every minute. The next 
is Giuseppe, he's to be married to-morrow, Luigi on Thursday, 
and so on until we are all worked off. As we are twenty-four 
in number, that will occupy twenty-four days, which are to be 
passed in unceasing revelry and our captain, Arrostino, intends 
to confer upon you the benefit of our custom. 

EL There I think he is right. I am out of wine just now, 
but I have a family prescription for fine old crusted Chianti, 
which I will send to the nearest chemist to be compounded at 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 357 

once. There's only one thing for which I must stipulate ; let 
these revels be as joyous, as reckless, as rollicking as you please 
only, let them be conducted in a whisper. 

Lui. What, because we are a Secret Society ? We arc not 
as secret as all that. 

EL No ; but because there is a considerable portion of a poor 
old Alchemist on the second floor who is extremely unwell. You 
wouldn't go for to disturb the dying moments of a considerable 
portion of a poor old Alchemist ? 

Gio. You are unusually considerate. What's the matter 
with him ? 

El. Why, the poor old boy is continually blowing himself up 
with dynamite in his researches after the Philosopher's Stone. 
Well, that's nothing it's all in the day's work, and he's used 
to it. But this time he has blown himself up worse than usual, 
and several of the bits are missing ; if you come across anything 
of the kind they are his, and I'm sure you'll behave honourably, 
and give them up at once. 

Oio. We swear. 

EL Bless you ! Now, the Alchemist has hitherto paid for 
his board and lodging in halfpence, with a written undertaking 
to turn them all into gold as soon as his discovery is com- 
pleted ; consequently the dictates of common humanity prompt 
us to give him every chance. (Noise of explosion within.} Up 
he goes again ! Excuse me one minute, while I go and collect 
him. 

[Exit ELVINO. 

Enter Chorus of Village Girls, dancing, and heralding the 
approach of RISOTTO and MINESTRA. 

CHORUS OF GIRLS. 

Come all the maidens in merry community ; 
Gay and jocose, 

Hither we wend. 

liisotto, Minestra, are knitted in unity ; 
Nobody knows 

How it Avill end. 

Risotto is handsome and really delectable 
Stalwart and tall ; 

Second to none. 

Minestra, nice-looking and very respectable. 
So we are all 

Every one. 

All. So { y ] nrc all- 

Every one. 



358 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Enter RISOTTO and MINESTRA. 

DUET. RISOTTO AND MINESTRA. 
Min, If you please, I'm now a member of your band 
Ris. If you please, she's 
Mm. Now allow me, pray, to speak 

I am married 

Ris. She's my wife, you understand. 

Min. If you interrupt, I'll leave you in a week. 
Ris. I really think I might 

Min. You are very impolite ! 

Ris. But I wanted to explain 

Min. Well, now, there you go again ! 

If you kindly will permit me, 

I can perfectly acquit me : 
I'm a lady ! 

Ris. She's a lady ! 

Min. Very good, then I refrain ! 

Ris. Allow me to present to you my wife ! 
Min. I think you'd better keep her to yoursel'. 

Ris. She's the treasure and the pleasure of my life 
Min. I dare say until she's laid upon the shelf ! 

Ris. She's a poem, she's a song 

Min. (relenting}. You don't mean it go along ! 
Ris. I shall love her when she's grey ! 

Min. Will you really ? I dare say ; 

With your snapping and your snarling ! 
Ris. You're a dear, and you're a darling ! 

Min. Do you mean it? 
Ris. Yes, I mean it ! 

Both. Oh, my darling ! Oh, my dear ! 

Enter ARROSTINO. 

Oio. Three secret cheers for the Captain ! 

All {pianissimo}. Hurrah ! hurrah ! hurrah ! 

Arr. How do? How do? Ah! the bride and bridegroom. 
Allow me. (Kisses her.) Charming at least I think so 
another. (Kisses her again.) Yes, charming. Risotto, my poor 
fellow, accept my condolences. 

His. Condolences ! You don't see anything wrong with 
her? 

Arr. With her ? Oh no not with her. My dear friend, 
she's bewitching. (To MINESTRA.) You are bewitching, aren't 
you? 

Min. I believe I'm nice. 

Arr. You do? I'm delighted to hear it on such good 
authority. 

Ris. Still, I don't see why you should condole with me. 

Arr. Don't you? Never mind you will. Now tell me, 
Minestra, candidly what was it you saw in him to admire? 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 359 

It's not his face, of course ; nor his figure we'll put them out 
of the question. It can't be his conversation, because ho hasn't 
any. 

Min. I don't know. He's got a way with him. 

Arr. Has he got it with him now ? 

Min. I don't know. I suppose so. 

Arr. (imperatively}. Risotto, give us an example of the way 
you have with you. 

Ris. It's something like this (business of ogling). 

Arr. Oh, but my dear girl really dear, dear, dear ! 

Min. (apologetically). You've got to be nearer to him for it 
to tell. 

Arr. Well, but even then ! Now, look at it in cold blood. 
Think of it ten years hence when the novelty's worn off. 

Min. It does look foolish from here. Oh, I almost wish I 
hadn't ! 

Ris. My dear! (Consoling her.) 

Min. Don't I'm so inexperienced ! 

Arr. I suppose so. Pity pity ! Never mind next time 
you'll be older. Now, girls, I have some news for you : the 
Duke and Duchess of Pallavicini are to pass through the village 
this evening on their way to Palermo. You don't see a real 
Duke and Duchess every day, so the best thing you can do is 
to run down and prepare to receive them. 

1st Girl. A real Duke and Duchess! Oh, that will be 



delightful. 



CHORUS OF GIRLS. 

Only think, a Duke and Duchess ! 

Oh, but we are lucky lasses ! 

Hie we to our looking-glasses 
For a few artistic touches. 
Let us decorate our tresses 

Ere the grand procession passes, 

And receive the upper classes 
In our most becoming dresses ! 



SOLO. MlNESTRA. 

Go and wash your pretty faces, 
Dress in ribbons and in laces, 
Or expect from both their Graces 

A well-merited rebuke ; ' 
And your hair I pray you frizz it 
For it isn't often is it ? 
That you're favoured with a visit 

From a Duchess and a Duke ! 



360 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

_ * 

CHORUS. 

Yes, we'll wash our pretty faces, 
Dress in ribbons and in laces, 
For it isn't often is it V 
That we're favoured with a visit 

From a Duke and from a Duchess, 

From a Duchess and a Duke ! 

{Exeunt Girls all but MINESTKA. 

Arr. Now then, to business. Anything to report ? 

Gio. Yes. A travelling Englishman passed our encampment 
this morning. 

Arr. Good. We have a vendetta against all travelling 
Englishmen. The relation of our ancestor's neighbour was 
arrested by a travelling Englishman. Well ? 

Gio. No very bad. The cowardly ruffian was armed. 

Arr. What a lily-livered hound ! That's so like these 
Englishmen. This growing habit of carrying revolvers is the 
curse of our profession. Anything else ? 

Lui. Only an old market-woman on a mule. 

Arr. Well, we have a vendetta against all old market-women 
on a mule. The principal evidence against the relation of our 
ancestor's neighbour was an old market-woman on a mule. 
Did you arrest her ? 

Lui. We were about to do so, but she passed us in silent 
contempt. 

Arr. Humph! This growing habit of passing us in silent 
contempt strikes at the very root of our little earnings. Of 
course you could do nothing ? 

Gio. Nothing whatever. You see, as we are all to be 
married in the course of the next three weeks, we are bound, 
as men of honour, to hand over our personal charms in the 
same condition of substantial and decorative repair that they 
were in when we captivated these confiding creatures. 

Arr. Naturally. It is plain that a man who offers a girl his 
hand, and comes to claim her with his arm amputated at the 
shoulder, is no longer in a position to fulfil his contract. A man 
who proposes with a Roman nose and turns up at the altar with 
a snub is guilty of flat dishonesty, on the face of it. At the 
same time, that's no reason why you shouldn't pick off the bits 
of cotton wool in which you are in the habit of putting your- 
selves away at night. (Picking scraps of wool from the coats of 
PIETRO and GIORGIO.) To people who are unacquainted with 
the circumstances it might look a little unmanly. I don't know 
perhaps not. (Replacing tlie scraps of wool on their coats.) 
However, take heart. I have an enterprise in hand which 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 361 

promises the very maximum of profit with the very minimum 
of risk. The Duke and Duchess I believe we have a vendetta 
against all Dukes and Duchesses ? 

Gio. The judge who sentenced the relation of our ancestor's 
neighbour would have been a duke if they had created him one. 

Arr. The scoundrel ! Then I intend to secure this Duke 
and Duchess. 

Gio. Ah! But how? Remember the motto of our band 
" Heroism without risk." 

Arr. We shall do it diplomatically, of course. In the first 
place, we shall seize on yonder monastery 

Lui. When the monks are asleep ? 

Arr. Why, of course and dress ourselves in their robes. In 
the mean time, Minestra, disguised as an old woman, will lure 
the Duke away from his escort and into our power. 

Min. /think I could do it better as a young woman. 

Arr. Nonsense, you little goose you know nothing at all 
about it ! Listen ! 

SONG. AKROSTINO. 

The Duke and the Duchess as they travel through the lands 

With the clips of their whips and their high jerry ho ! 
Will pass by the rock where that monastory stands, 
In a first-class fine-folk fashion, 

With their high jerry ho ! 
Their postilion in vermilion 
And the rattle of their cattle, 
And their high jerry ho ! 

Chorus. With their high jerry ho ! etc. 

Minestra they'll find as a tottering old crone, 

With her moans and her groans and her high jerry ho ! 
Who lias tumbled down the rock, and is lying all alone, 
And her cries will excite their compassion 

With her high jerry ho ! 
And her cropper so improper, 
And her fussy, " Lawk ha' mussy," 
And her high jerry ho ! 

Chorus. With her high jerry ho'! etc. 

She'll beg that the Duke will convey her to the friars, 

With their splint and their lint and their high jerry ho ! 
Then he'll take her up at once through the brambles and 

the briars ; 
And her woes to the monks she'll explain them. 

With their high jerry ho ! 
With their wrappings and their strappings, 
With their cackle on diachylon 
Their high jerry ho ! 

Chorus. With Iheir high jerry ho ! etc. 



362 'THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

By this time the monks will have fallen in our clutches, 

With their cries of surprise and their high jerry ho ! 
And, disguised in their robes, we'll receive the Duke and 

Duchess ; 

And in custody close we'll detain them, 
With their high jerry ho ! 
And the pusses of those cusses, 
And a ransom very handsome 
And a high jerry ho ! 

Chorus. With their high jerry ho ! etc. 

[Exeunt all. 

Enter ALFREDO. 

RECITATIVE. ALFREDO. 

Teresa ! little word so glibly spoken ! 
Take pity on a heart that's all but broken ! 
Teresa ! one-word poem trisyllabic ; 
An Eastern ode in sensuous Arctic 
Would that thou wert as tender in thy nature 
As in thy soft and tender nomenclature ! 

BALLAD. ALFHEDO. 

Bedecked in fashion trim, 

With every curl a-quiver ; 
Or leaping, light of limb, 

O'er rivulet and river ; 
Or skipping o'er the lea 

On daffodil and daisy ; 
Or stretched beneath a tree, 
All languishing and lazy- 
Whatever be her mood ; 
Be she demurely prude, 
Or languishingly lazy ; 
My lady drives me crazy 
In vain her heart is wooed, 
Whatever be her mood ! 

What profit should I gain 

Suppose she loved me dearly ? 
Her coldness turns my brain 

To verge of madness merely. 
Her kiss though, Heaven knows, 
To dream of it were treason 
Would tend, as I suppose, 
To utter loss of reason ! 
My state is not amiss ; 
I would not have a kiss 

Which, in or out of season, 
Might tend to loss of reason : 
What profit in such bliss ? 
A fig for such a kiss ! 

Alf. What shabby things a roan will do when he's eaten up 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 363 

with jealousy ! But what a comfort those shabby things are 
to him ! To prevent Teresa joining the Tamorras with the other 
girls, I was mean enough to bribe a farm girl to lock her in her 
room ! I'm disgusted with myself for having stooped to such 
a contemptible act. Still, I'm very glad I did it. 

Enter TERESA. 

Alf. Teresa ! You here ? 

Ter. Didn't expect me, I fancy? 

Alf. No I 

Ter. Locked me in my room, didn't you ? Well, I escape 1 
through the window. 

Alf. Never thought of the window ! However, you are too 
late the Tamorras have gone. Ah! forgive me; I couldn't 
bear the thought of your spending the day with them. 

Ter. My dear Alfredo, now do you really think I am the sort 
of girl who would throw herself away upon a contemptible out- 
law ? Why, I'd much sooner marry you, I 

Alf. (delighted). You would? My darling! (Futtiny his 
ar?n round her.} 

Ter. Infinitely. Don't! 

Alf. Why not? 

Ter. It's a liberty. 

Alf. But after the tender avowal you have just made, surely 
I may be permitted 

Ter. My dear Alfredo, you jump at conclusions. I said I 
would rather throw myself away on a respectable young farmer 
than on a contemptible outlaw. But I haven't the smallest 
intention of throwing myself away on either. 

Alf. Teresa, have some pity on me ; I am so desperately in 
love with you. I have founded my hopes of happiness upon 
you, for you are the very air I breathe, the very sunlight of 
my life ! 

Ter. You are, of course, quite at liberty to profit by any light 
I may happen to emit ; but without wishing to say a word that 
would hurt your feelings, it is only right to tell you that I look 
a great deal higher than a mere clodhopper. For you do hop 
clods, you know. 

Alf. I have certainly hopped some in my time. 

Ter. It's not my own idea. To be quite candid with you, I 
have often wondered what people can see in me to admire. 
Personally, I have a poor opinion of my attractions. They are 
not at all what I would have chosen if I had had a voice in the 
matter. But the conviction that I am a remarkably attractive 
girl is so generally entertained that, in common modesty, I feel 



364 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

bound to yield to the pressure of popular sentiment, and to look 
upon myself as an ineffective working minority. 

Alf. But you used to like me. 

Ter. Decidedly. Personally, I entertain a great admiration 
fur you. /think you extremely good-looking. 

Alf. (delighted). Teresa ! 

Ter. But the general opinion on the subject of your good 
looks is so entirely against me that (again regarding myself as 
an ineffective working minority) I feel bound to yield to the 
pressure of popular prejudice, and admit that you cannot be as 
good-looking as I feel sure you are. 

Alf. (despondingly). Perhaps not. 

BALLAD. TERESA. 

It's rny opinion though I own 
In thinking so I'm quite alone 

In some respects I'm but a fright. 
You like my features, I suppose ? 
Pin disappointed with my nose : 

Some rave about it perhaps they're right. 
My figure just sets off a fit ; 
But when they say it's exquisite 

(And they do say so), that's too strong. 
I hope I'm not what people call 
Opinionated ! After all, 

I'm but a goose, and may be wrong ! 

When charms enthral 
There's some excuse 

For measures strong ; 
And, after all, 

I'm but a goose, 

And may be wrong ! 

My teeth are very neat, no doubt ; 
But, after all, they may fall out : 

/ think they will some think they won't. 
My hands are small, as you may see, 
But not as small as they might be, 

At least, /think so others don't. 
But there, a girl may preach and prate 
From morning six to evening eight, 

And never stop to dine, 
When all the world, although misled, 
Is quite agreed on any head 

And it is quite agreed on mine ! 

All said and done, 
It's little I 

Against a throng 
I'm only one, 

And possibly 

I may be wrong ! 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 365 

Ter. Now, come and talk it over, like a sensible boy. {They 
sit lie at herftet.} Come, tell me all about it. You know you 
used always to confide your little troubles to me. 

Alf. I've nothing to say, except that I'm over head and ears 
in love with you. 

Ter. Now, first of all, you mustn't say " you ; " it's too 
personal. Say, ' ' I'm over head and ears in love with Teresa ! " 

Alf. Well, so I am. 

Ter. Poor boy ! Well, I can quite understand it, for, with all 
her faults, she's far and away the nicest girl hereabouts. Now, 
look at it sensibly. If you, a plain young man, married a con- 
spicuous beauty (for, after all's said and done, that's what it 
comes to), you would be under a perpetual disadvantage from 
sheer force of contrast ; and as for jealousy well, I've known 
Teresa since she was quite a little girl, and, take my word for 
it, she would keep you on chronic tenterhooks. Now, if you 
married a thoroughly plain girl like Elvino's niece Ultrice, for 
instance 

ULTRICE enters, and overhears what follows. 

who couldn't possibly, under any circumstances, give you the 
least uneasiness on the score of her personal attractions you 
might count on being as happy as two thoroughly unattractive 
little birds could reasonably expect to be. 

Alf. Ultrice ! What do I want with Ultrice ? She follows 
me everywhere. She worries my life out. 

Ter. Ultrice is quite a good sort of girl; and as to her personal 
appearance, why, you'd get used even to that in a couple of 
years ! 

ULTRICE comes forward. 

QUARTETTE. ULTRICE, TERESA, ALFREDO, AND AFTERWARDS 

ELVINO. 

Ult. Upon my word, miss ! 

Ter. Oh, it's you, miss ! 

How d'ye do, miss ? 
Didn't know you 
Overheard, miss ! 

Ult. Ob, you spiteful- 

Ter. (curtseying). How politeful ! 
Ult. One I owe you, 

You tittling, tattling, reckless, rattling, twopenny-ha'penny 

parcel of vanity ! 

Ter. High gentility, amiability, both combined with true humility ! 
Ult. You mischief-making, character-taking, clicking clacking bit 

of inanity ! 
Ter. Play propriety, or society may suppose it's inebriety. 



366 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Alf. Now, ladies, pray you, listen to me. 

Dicky-birds in their nests agree. 

If they can do so, do so too. 

Ter. and Ult. What has it, pray, to do with you ? 
Ult. Dicky-birds don't, to gain their ends, 

Depreciate their absent friends. 
Ter. Dicky-birds don't, whate'er they hear, 

Forget that they are ladies, dear ! 
All Three. Dicky-birds tweetle, tweetle tweek, 

Which may be silly, and does sound weak ; 

But dickey-birds don't, whate'er they hear, 

Forget that they are ladies, dear ! 

Enter ELVIXO. 

El, Now, pray you, attention ! I've something to mention 

That ought your approval to win 

Ult. (interrupting). And dicky-birds never, or rarely, endeavour 
El. Now, ladies, a truce to this din ! 

Ter. (interrupting). And dicky-birds don't 
EL Be quiet ! 

Ter. I won't ! 

El. My fortune's about to begin 

The Duke and Duchess (their quality such is)- 

Themselves, and their kith and kin 
Ult. (interrupting). And dicky-birds try to 
Ter. (interrupting). And you too and I too 
EL Are going to stop at the inn ! 

All Three. What ! 

El. They're going to stop at the inn ! 

All Three. What ! 

El. They're going to stop at the inn ! 

Ult. The Duke and Duchess fall into our clutches ? 

A penance, no doubt, for some sin ! 
Ter. Perhaps it's his figure, too portly for vigour, 

He's stout, and he wants to be thin ! 
Alf, At least their intention shows great condescension, 

For comfort they can't care a pin : 

Indifferent eating 

Ult. Hard beds and damp sheeting 

Ter. (I hope they've some Keating) 

All Three. Afford a poor greeting 

To people who stop at this inn ! 

ELVINO. THE OTHERS. 

For excellent eating, Indifferent eating, 

Good beds and warm sheeting, Hard beds and damp sheeting 

That never want Keating, (I hope they've some Keating), 

Afford a good greeting Afford a poor greeting 
To people who stop at my inn ! To people who stop at this inn ! 

EL I don't know how I shall accommodate them. My only 
bedroom is occupied by the exploded Alchemist, who is much 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 367 

too incomplete to be moved. There's the scullery. Do you think 
they'd put up with a shakedown in the scullery ? 

Alf. I don't know. The Duke is an awful stickler for etiquette. 

Ult. He gave an inkeeper at Palermo six months because he 
used his pocket-handkerchief in his presence. 

Ter. And he fined the Mayor of Syracuse a hundred crowns 
because he didn't. 

El. This is terrible. I know I shall make some fearful mis- 
take with these people ! I've never in my life addressed anybody 
of higher rank than an Oil and Italian Warehouseman ! 

Alf. My good sir, they're not people they're Personages. 

El. Of course they are ! There I go putting my foot into 
it at the first go off! If I could only practise a little ! Now, 
if you'd be so kind so very kind as to impersonate the Duke, 
just for a dress rehearsal of the reception (I've got a lot of 
beautiful clothes left behind by some strolling players in pawn 
for their bill), you shall be treated with all the consideration due 
to your exalted rank, and have the entire run of the bar, except 
rum-shrub ! 

Alf. It's a tempting offer. But I must have a Duchess. 

EL Of course you must. {Aside.} How many Duchesses go 
to a Duke ? 

Alf. Only one at a time. 

EL You don't say so ? 

Alf. Yes Dukes are very particular about that. 

EL Dear me ! (Aloud.) Well, here are two to choose from 
my cousin Teresa and my niece Ultrice both charmino-. 

Ult. and Ter. What's that? 

El. Well, one charming and one umph ! Will that do ? 

Ult. and Ter. That will do. 

EL Now, come ; we've no time to lose. Choose your Duchess 
and begin. 

QUARTETTE. ALFREDO, ULTRICE, TERESA, AND ELVINO. 
Alf. (to TERESA.) Fair maid, take pity on my state ! 

Look down with eyes compassionate 

On my condition lonely ; 
Nor think me too impertinent, 
If I implore you to relent, 
And my sweet Duchess represent 

On this occasion only ! 

Ter. I thank you, sir ; but it would be 

Presumptuous, indeed, in me 

To personate a Duchess. 
Iut I know one who'd have the face 
To jump at mimicking her Grace ; 
No compliment seems out of place 

Her vanity that touches. 



368 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Ult. D'you mean me, miss? 

Ter. I mean you, miss, 

All above. 

Ult. You're too free, miss. 

Ter. Try it, do, miss 

There's a love ! 
Ult. I agree, miss ! 

Ter. That's explicit : 

Take your ground ! 
Ult. You shall see, miss. 

Ter. Wouldn't miss it 

For a pound ! 
Ult. Though your spite all bounds surpasses, 

Pay attention, I beseech you. 
Manners of the upper classes 
I shall be most pleased to teach you. 

Ter. Thank you, dear pray, take your station 

Malice soon will spread the rumour. 
It will be a personation 
Teeming with unconscious humour ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

ULTRICE. ALFREDO, TERESA, AXD ELVIXO. 

Watch me as I take my station, Watch her as she takes her station, 

Spread abroad the welcome Malice soon will spread the 

rumour. rumour. 

No attempt at provocation It will be a personation 

Touches my extreme good Teeming with unconscious 

humour. humour. 

Ult. Now, look at me, 

And you will see 
How ladies grand 
Present their hand ; 
It's copied from the highest ladies in the land. 

Ter. I always thought 

A lady ought 
To walk with grace 
And not grimace ; 
But that, it's very evident, is not the case. 

Ult. Then as they walk, 

They blandly talk, 
And look at us 
With eye-glass thus 
And what they'll have for dinner they, perhaps, discuss. 

Ter. It would appear 

They flout and fleer, 
Stick up their nose, 
Turn in their toes 
You're teaching me gratuitously, I suppose V 

Ult. Then as she takes her place upon the throne that is prepared. 
The people bow them to the ground, and every head is bared, 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 369 

They keep their proper places as she looks them through and 

through 

Tcr. And I suppose they try to keep their countenances too ? 
If that is what is called Court etiquette, it's very plain 
The ways of high society I never shall attain ; 
It seems you must be ill-bred, and as awkward as can be, 
Which is A B C to you, my love, but difficult for me. 

[Exeunt ELVINO, lowing before ALFREDO and ULTRICE, 
TERESA following and mimicking ULTRICE'S walk 
and gestures. 

Charivari without. Enter Chorus of Girls, running and 
heralding the approach of PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA. 
PIETRO is driving a Palermo donkey-cart. BARTOLO is 
dressed as a clown, NITA as a rope-dancer. BARTOLO 
carries a big drum and Pandean pipes. 

CHORUS OF GIRLS. 

Tabor and drum ! 
Mummers have come ! 

Hey for their mummery, 

Frolic and flummery ! 
For to my dull 
Countrified skull 

Nothing sublunary 

Equals buffoonery ! 
Folk of our kind 
Frequently find 

Jokes that are sensible 

Incomprehensible. 
Here, I admit, 
Genuine wit, 

As a commodity, 
Ranks below oddity. 

SOLO (PlETRO) AND ClIORUS. 

Come, strike up, Mr. Merriman, while I inform the universe, 

In metrical and tuny verse 

Bar. In metrical and tuny verse 

Pic. That here's an exhibition that's highly intellectual 

To see it we expect you all 
Bar. To see it we expect you all. 

Pie. Come, empty all your pockets, for I'm not a common mounte- 
bank, 

I've money in the County Bank 
Bar. He's money in the County Bank. 

Pie. And I can give you value for your coppers insignificant 

And I'll return 'em if I can't 
Bar. And he'll return 'em if he can't. 

III. 2 B 



370 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

SONG. BAUTOLO. 

Though I'm a buffoon, recollect 
I command your respect ! 

I cannot for money 

Be vulgarly funny, 
My object's to make you reflect! 

True humour's a matter in which 
I'm exceedingly rich. 

It ought to" delight you. 
Although, at first sight, you 

May not recognize it as sich. 

Other clowns make you laugh till you sink, 
When they tip you a wink ; 
With attitude antic, 
They render you frantic 
I don't. I compel you to think ! 

For, oh, this is a world of insincerity and trouble, 

And joy is imbecility, and happiness a bubble, 

And you're a lot of butterflies who flutter through a summer, 

And he's a mountebank, and I'm a miserable mummer ! 

All. It's possible the world is insincerity and trouble, 

And happiness, for all I know, is nothing but a bubble ; 
Perhaps we may be butterflies who flutter through a summer, 
But you're, without a doubt, a very miserable mummer ! 

Nita (dancing). I've a dance 

That came from France 

Not long ago 

It's worthy of your silver and your copper. 
It's my own, 
And I alone 

Its mazes know 

It's graceful and particularly proper. 
I assist 
As soloist, 

Upon a squeeze, 

On the trumpet and the kettledrum sonorous. 
I've a song 
That's just as long 

As you may please 
Twenty verses, and each verse has got a chorus ! 

All. Now that's the kind of merriment you ought to set before us ; 
Only fancy twenty verses, and each verse has got a chorus. 
To such an entertainment we could listen for a summer ; 
But save us from the humour of this melancholy mummer ! 

Pie. Oh, you lucky people ! Oh, you fortunate villagers ! A 
perfectly remote and altogether obscure corner of Europe favoured 
with the presence of a company of artists whom all the crowned 
heads of Europe are quarrelling to possess ! ( To B ARTOLO.) Solo, 
if you please, expressive of a general withdrawal of ambassadors 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 371 

from all the European Courts. (Flourish.} The Czar of Russia 
is no longer on terms with the Empress of New York because 
I visited her first. A lady, you know ! As a man of gallantry 
I couldn't refuse. But, mum! I must be discreet. (7b BARTOLO.) 
Solo, if you please, expressive of the honourable silence of a self- 
respecting man of gallantry. (BARTOLO flourishes his drum- 
sticks and pretends to play Pandean pipes, but without eliciting 
any sound.) Now, what do you think we come for ? 

AIL Gold! 

Pie. Gold? Bah! Try again. 

AIL Silver! 

Pie. Silver ? Why, we're sick of gold and silver ! 

Bar. Could you oblige me with my last week's salary ? 

Pie. Gold! (Taking a handful from his pocket and looking 
at it in disgust.} Ugh ! (Shuddering.) Here catch ! (About 
to throw it to them.} Stop ! On second thoughts it will only 
give you ideas above your station. But, come I will be frank 
with you. The greatest men have their weaknesses, and I have 
mine. I have been cursed through life with a morbid craving for 
copper ! I was cradled in a copper. I have frequently been taken 
up by a copper. A bull once tossed me for a copper. " Heads ! " 
I cried. I came down tails, and he won. I was hurt. I felt 
it very much. (To BARTOLO.) Solo, if you please, expressive 
of feelings that may be more easily imagined than described. 
(Flourish.} Now to business. At half-past three will be pre- 
sented a dress rehearsal of the performance to be given before 
the Duke and Duchess of Pallavicini, comprising an exhibition 
of conjuring, necromancy, spirit manifestations, thought-reading, 
hypnotism, mesmeric psychology, psychography, sensory halluci- 
nation, dancing on the slack wire and ground, and lofty tumbling. 
Also will be exhibited the two world-renowned life-size clock- 
work automata, representing Hamlet and Ophelia (unrolling two 
posters representing the figures} as they appeared in the bosoms of 
their families before they disgraced their friends by taking to the 
stage for a livelihood. The price of admission will be one penny 
for the aristocracy, members of the upper middle classes half 
price. At half-past five. Be in time be in time be in time ! 
[During this speech PIETRO has frequently refreshed him- 
self from a large wine-skin, uiJiich is also referred to 
1>H BARTOLO when PIETRO is not looking. 

Chorus. Now that's the sort of merriment you ought to set before us ; 
To mark our approbation we'll extemporize a chorus. 
To such an entertainment we could listen for a summer ; 
I>ut save us from the humour of that melancholy mummer ! 

[Exeunt Village Girls. 



372 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Pie. Humph ! Not a remunerative lot, I fancy. But if the 
Duke, who is a mad enthusiast in the matter of automata, 
should take a fancy to our Hamlet and Ophelia, he'll buy them, 
and ourfortune's made ! By-the-by, where's Beppo with the 
figures ? 

Ni. Bless you, he couldn't be here yet all uphill. 

Pie. True. Nita ! 

Ni. Well. (She is talking to BARTOLO.) 

Pie. Not quite so near Bartolo, please. 

Ni. Oh, I forgot force of habit. 

Pie. You must recollect that you are no longer engaged to 
be married to him. That's over. You are engaged to be 
married to me, now. Tiy and remember it were to him, are 
to me. It's quite easy, if you put it like that. Thank you. 
(Leads donkey off.) 

Ni. Yes, but it's not so easy. A girl who's been deeply in 
love with a gentleman for the last six months may be forgiven 
if she forgets, now and then, that she doesn't care a bit for 
him any more. 

Bar. (gloomily). We were happy ! 

Ni. Very ! (Sighing.') 

Bar. How we carried on ! 

Ni. Didn't we ! 

Bar. Do you remember when I used to go like that ^to 
you? 

Ni. Don't I ! (Sighing.) 

Bar. Does lie ever go like that to you ? 

Ni. Not he he doesn't know how. 

Bar. And yet we have a School Board ! How you loved 
me ! 

Ni. Yes ; but when I loved you you told me you were a 
leading tragedian. But a clown I really don't see how I could 
love a clown. 

Bar. I didn't deceive you. I've played the first acts and 
the first alone of all our tragedies. No human eye has seen 
me in the second act of anything! My last appearance was 
three mouths agone. I played the moody Dane. As no ono 
else had ever played him, so I played that Dane. Gods ! how 
they laughed ! I see them now I hear their ribald roars. 
The whole house rocked with laughter ! I've a soul that 
cannot brook contempt. " Laugh on ! " I said ; " laugh on, 
and laugh your fill you laugh your last ! No man shall ever 
laugh at me again I'll be a clown ! " I kept my word they 
laugh at me no more. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 373 

Enter BEPPO, running and meeting PIETRO. 

Bep. (breathless). Oh, master ! here's a misfortune here's 
a calamity ! 

Pie. Eh? What's the matter ? Where are the figures ? 

Bep. They're at Palermo ! 

Pie., Bar., and Ni. What ! 

Bep. It's no fault of mine. They've been detained by the 
police because they hadn't any passports. 

Ni. That's because they're so life-like. After all, it's a 
compliment. 

Pie. A compliment ! Yes ; but we can't dine on cold com- 
pliments. (To BEPPO.) Didn't you open the figures and show 
their clockwork insides ? 

Bep. Yes ; but the police said that was no rule, they might 
be foreigners. 

Pie. Very true so they might. 

Bar. Chock-full of eccentric wheels might almost be English. 
What's to be done ? 

Enter ELVINO and ULTRICE. 

El. Here's a misfortune ! 

Ult. Here's a calamity ! 

Pie. What, another? 

El. We're ruined ruined ! 

Bar. What is the matter with the licensed victualler ? 

Ult. The Alchemist it's all over he's gone! The last 
explosion did it ! 

El. And this (producing halfpence) is all I've been paid for 
six weeks' board, lodging, and medical attendance ! 

Pie. It seems cheap. But you can seize his effects. 

EL I've seized 'em ! Here they are (producing medicine 
phial with label) all he possessed in the world a bottle of 
medicine with a label on it ! 

Pie. What's this? 

EL Read it our education's not what it was. 

Pie. (pretending to read label). " Two tablespoon fuls, at 
bed-time." 

EL Is that all ? 

Pie. Here's a greedy fellow ! 

EL But I say it takes a lot of writing to say that. 

Pie. Well, it's a very strong medicine. 

EL Oh, I see. 

Ult. (aside), /don't. 

Pie. (returning it). Take it. 



374 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

El. Thankye; lake it yourself it will do you good. 

[Exit ELVIXO, ULTRICE remains listening unobserved. 

Pie. (changing his manners). Has he gone ? Come here ; 
there's more in this than meets the eye ! 

Ni. What, more than two tablespoons ? 

Pie. More than two fiddlesticks ! Listen to this*. (Reads.) 
" Man is a hypocrite, and invariably affects to be better and 
wiser than he really is. This liquid, which should be freely 
dihited, has the effect of making every one who drinks it exactly 
ivhat he pretends to be. The hypocrite becomes a man of piety ; 
the swindler, a man of honour ; the quack, a man of learning ; 
and the braggart, a man of war." 

Ult. (aside). I thought as much this may be useful. 

[Exit ULTRICE. 

Pie. Now the question is what's to be done with it ? 

Ni. Give some to Bartolo, and make him funny ! 

Bar. Naught}'- sly-boots ! 

Pie. Give some to Bartolo? Yes, and give some to Nita, 
too. Don't you understand? 

Ni. Candidly, no. 

Pie. Why, the Duke and Duchess want to buy the figures, 
and the figures are missing. What's to be done ? Why, it's 
obvious. You and Bartolo dress and make up as the two 
figures when dressed, you drink a few drops of the potion, 
diluted with wine. (Tasting the cork and shuddering.} It's 
it's not at all nasty and you will not only look like the two 
figures, but you'll actually be the two figures clockwork 
and all ! 

Ni. Whew ! ( Whistles.') 

Bar. What! I become a doll a dandled doll? A mere 
conglomerate of whizzing wheels, salad of springs and hotch- 
potch of escapements ? Exchange all the beautiful things I've 
got inside here for a handful of common clockwork ? It's a 
large order. Perish the thought and he who uttered it ! 

Pie. Come, come ! The figures are our joint property, and 
we are all equally interested in selling them. 

Ni. That's true. Well, I've no objection. Besides, it will 
be fun. 

Pie. Good girl ! The potion must be diluted, so I'll pour it 
into this wine-skin and we can draw it off as we want it. 
(Does so.) 

Ni. But stop a bit. I don't want to be clockwork all my 
life ! How are we to get back again ? 

Pie. I never thought of that ! 



& 



Ni. It wouldn't do at all. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 375 

Pie. Oh, not at all. Perhaps it say^. (Eefers to label.} Yes ! 
(Reads.) " If the charm has been misapplied, matters can be 
restored to their original condition by burning this labd.^ 
There you are nothing could be simpler. 

Ni. I say don't lose that. 

Pie. Not if I know it. (Puts it in his Docket-book, wliiclt, 
he places in his pocket.} I shall be back in a minute, and, in 
the mean time, try and wheedle him into joining us. 

[Exit PIETRO. 

Bar. (who has been fuming in silence). I protest ! It is an 
indignity ! I have a soul that cannot brook an indignity ! 

Ni. An indignity ? Nonsense just think you'll appear as 
Hamlet, your favourite character, before the Duke complete 
dress scene from the second act, too 

Bar. Ha! 

Ni. I shall be desperately in love with you and you with 
me we shall bill, and we shall coo, and we shall be as happy 
as two little birds. 

Bar. Can clockwork coo ? A nice point. 

Ni. Ah ! There was a time when you wouldn't refuse me 
anything. 

Bar. Yes, but then you used to coax me. I have a soul 
that can do nothing unless it's coaxed. 

Ni. Then sit down, and I'll coax you. 

Bar. Coax me hard. 

Ni. Oh, very hard ! (Business.} 

Bar. Oh, coax me harder than that ! 

Ni. Will that do ? (Business.} 

Bar. That sort of thing, prolonged indefinitely, will do. 

[During this PIETRO has been occupied in hanging tin 
the posters on each side of the Inn door. /'V/7 
PIETRO into Inn. 

SONG. NITA. 

Those days of old 

How mad were we 

To banish ! 
Thy love was told, 
Querido mi, 

In Spanish-- 
And timid I, 

A-flush with shame 

Elysian, 
Could only sigh, 

ieiij comme je fa//// .' 
(Parisian.) 



376 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

No matter, e'en 

Hadst thou been coined 

A Merman, 
Thou wouldst have been 

Mein lieber freund 

(That's German.) 
Thy face, a-blaze 

With loving pats, 

Felt tinglish, 
For in those days 

I loved thee that's 

Plain English ! 

[During this BAKTOLO has gradually yielded to NITA'S 
blandishments, and at the end expresses, in gestute, 
his acquiescence with her wishes. PIETRO re-enters 
from Inn. 

DANCING TRIO. PIETRO, NITA, AND BARTOLO. 

Pie. (enters, dancing). Allow that the plan I devise 

Is new and sufficiently clever 
To testify joy and surprise, 

Perhaps you will kindly endeavour? 

Bar.andNita (dancing). With anything clever or wise, 

I never should credit you never. 
To testify joy and surprise, 

Observe our united endeavour. 

\_Dance NITA stops suddenly. 
Rita. But what a catastrophe ! Stop! 

[BARTOLO and PIETRO stop dancing. 
I see of objections a crop. 
Suppose, by some horrible fluke, 
I should chance to be bought by the Duke ! 

Pie. (resuming Be easy, I'll certainly see 

his dance). You'll never get into his clutches. 
Bar. (dancing). But don't be alarmed about me 

I should like to be bought by the Duchess ! 
I have certain society touches 
That ought to appeal to a Duchess. 
Though pride I abhor, 
I've a "jenny say quor" 
That is sure to appeal to a Duchess ! 

All. But don't be alarmed about | j^ 6 ' j etc. 

[Dance, and dance off. 

Enter TERESA. 

Ter. There's absolutely no limit to the vanity of some people. 
Ultrice actually believes that she has captivated Alfredo ! Ha ! 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 377 

ha ! ha ! Well, I'll let her remain under that fond delusion 
a little longer it amuses me. When I'm tired of it, I have 
only to hold up my little finger and he'll fling himself at my 
feet in a moment ! 

BALLAD. TERESA. 

When man in love-sick passion lingers, 
A maid can twist him round her fingers : 
A word from me 
Of eloquent, 
Yet maidenly 

Encouragement 
A faint recall 

A dainty hint 
That, after all, 

I'm not a flint 
And such permissible pretences 
Will put to flight his seven senses. 
Then, as he cries, " My own, for ever ! 
No power on earth our lives shall sever ! " 
I'll answer him, with laugh provoking, 
"Upon my word, 
You're too absurd ! 

Why, bless my heart, I'm onlv joking ! 
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

I'm only joking ! " 

Enter ALFREDO unperceived. lie overJiears the following verse. 

And should that fail it doesn't often 
Ilia heart by other means I'll soften : 
With eyes that stream, 
And tears that sob, 
In joy supreme, 

I'll make it throb 
I'll vow his scorn 

My heart will break, 
And all forlorn 

For his sweet sake 
Which more than life itself I cherish 
I'll constant live and constant perish ! 
Then, as he cries, "My dearest treasure, 
Adored beyond all earthly measure ! " 

I'll answer him (my triumph cloaking), 

" Upon my word, 

You're too absurd 
Get up, you goose, I'm only joking ! 

Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

I'm only joking ! " 

Alf. (coming forward recitative). Ah, cruel one ! 

Ter. Alfredo ! 

Alf, Madam, good morning ! (doing.) 



373 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

DUET. TERESA AND ALFREDO. 

Tcr. Oh, whither, whither, whither, do you speed you ? 

Oh, hither, hither, hither, hither hie ? 
Alf. Another nother nother time I'll heed you, 

I've other, other, other fish to fry. 

ENSEMBLE. 
ALFREDO (aside). TERESA (aside). 

To punish her I'll try, There's a twinkle in his eye, 

I'll soften by-and-by. He'll soften by-and-by. 

(Aloud.) My lady, I am sorry, but (Aloud.) I'm very, very sorry that 
I've other fish to fry ! you've other fish to fry. 

Tcr. A merry, merry, merry maid invites you, 

Who's very, very, very short of sense. 

Alf. It's flirti-flirti-flirtiness incites you, 

Imperti-perti-perti-pertinence ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

ALFREDO (aside). TERESA (aside). 

Of taking some offence, He thinks me very dense, 

I'm making a pretence, I see through his pretence, 

I'll punish her imperti-perti-perti- (Aloud.) Oh, pardon my imperti- 
pertinence ! perti-perti-pertinence ! 

Tcr, Now, listen to me, dear, 

'Twas waywardness wilful 

(In which, as you see, dear, 
I'm not very skilful) 

That makes you so tearful ; 

Take heart, and be cheerful, 

No mischief is done, dear 

I was only in fun, dear ! 
Alf. Now, listen to me, love 

My sentiments store them : 

When maidens like thee, love, 
On hearts that adore them 

Unfeelingly trample, 

They always give ample 

Occasion for scorning 

I bid you good morning ! 
Tcr. I was only in fun, dear ! 

Alf. I pray you take warning. 

Tcr. No mischief is done, dear ! 

Alf. I bid you good morning ! 

ENSEMBLE. 
ALF. (aside). TER. (furiously.) 

She was only in fun I was only in fun, 

No mischief is done ; But the mischief is done ; 

Of taking offence Of taking offence 

I am making pretence. It is not a pretence. 

(Aloud.) I bid you good morning ! For he bids me good morning ! 

[Exit ALFREDO. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 379 

RECITATIVE. TERESA. 

Despised ! Rejected ! Do I wake or dream ? 

By him rejected ? Oh, the shame of it ! 

Rather than this I'll overwhelm him with 

The torrent of my passion make him think 

My brain is tottering for the love of him ; 

And when at last he yields to my protesting, 

I'll say, " Ha ! ha ! poor fool I was but jesting ! " [Exit. 

Flourish. Enter Chorus of Girls, running. 

CHORUS. 

Come, and take your places all, 
The show is just beginning ; 
Don't you hear the trumpet's call, 
And" the drummer's dinning ? 
Frolic, fun, and flummery 
Magic, mirth, and mummery 
(That's the showman's summary) 
Set us all a-grinning ! 

[During this ALFREDO has returned, followed ly TERESA, 
who expresses heart-broken passion in gesture. 

Enter ULTRICE and ELVINO, who carries a theatrical cloak, 
sword, hat, and lady's train. 

Ult. (recit.). Allow me, madam, if you have quite done with him. 

Alf. (leaving TERESA). Good morning, miss ! 

Ter. (enraged aside). Oh, some day I'll be one with him ! 

[Exit TERESA. 

EL (to ALF.). Allow me. 'Twill assist your Grace 
If on your noble brow I place 

This hat and feather. [ALFREDO puts them on. 

( To ULT.). The Duchess, perhaps, will kindly deign 
To wear these jewels and this train 
They go together. [ULTRICE puts them on. 

[ALFREDO and ULTRICE walk pompously to seats that are 
placed for them in front of the Inn door, We Chorus 
curtsying with mock humility. 

Chorus. Your Graces, as you wend, 

We humbly bow and bend. 
You look, we're quite aware, 
A most imposing pair ! 
Ha ! ha 1 ha ! ha ! 

Enter procession of Tamorras, disguised as Dominican monks : 

ARROSTINO as Prior. 

CHAUNT. 

[The Girls, 'believing the Monks to be genuine, all kneel. 
Mock \ 

Monks r **ttameti ?r ruurtts gugra rrltquts'qur natantrum 



380 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Arr. &mnt quntr ti'it in um (ijarc berfca, fcan't 
gtantt 'rm). 

Monks } ^^ C flcnurf ncutrtum Stc tnbartafctle namcn 

2UI)frf) te (rcefe ta mosft of u Ijcrr, atrtf 
J9auMc--iiutrt) ta tfjc ^fjatomen. 

[The Tamorras throw off their hoods and reveal themselves. 
Tamorras. Ha ! lia ! ha ! ha ! 

CHORUS OF GIRLS. 

Oh, you wicked, 

Base deceiving 
It's distressing ! 

It's degrading ; 
We are tricked 

Through believing, 
Never guessing 

Masquerading ! 
Friars mocking ! 

Goodness gracious ; 
What a wrong, sir ! 

Why, how dare you V 
It is shocking ! 
It's audacious ! 
Go along, sir ! 

I can't bear you ! 

Men. It is wicked ha ! ha ! ha ! 

They are tricked ha ! ha ! ha ! 
All. This disguising 

Is surprising, 

Friars mocking, 

It is shocking 

It is blameful 

It is shameful 

It is shameful 

Ha! ha! ha! 

Enter MISESTRA, disguised as a very old woman. 

Min. Come and listen, pretty ladies 

Cross my hand with maravedis 
For to prophesy my trade is, 

And my prophecies are sound. 

Fear no trick or double-dealing 
I am clever at revealing, 
Neither good nor ill concealing. 

So, my pretties, gather round. 

[The Girls gather round her to have their fortunes told. 
MINESTRA throws off her hood and reveals herself. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 381 

Alt. They J are trickfed ha ! ha ! ha ! 

It is wicked ba ! ha ! ha ! 
This disguising 
Is surprising : 
Ladies mocking ! 
Conduct shocking ! 
It is blameful- - 
It is shameful- 
It is blameful ha ! ha ! ha ! 

[During the above PIETRO lias brought on BARTOLO and 
NIT A made up as wax-work figures of Hamlet and 
Ophelia. 

SOLO. PIETRO. 

Now, all you pretty villagers who haven't paid, stand you aside, 

And listen to a tragic tale of love, despair, and suicide. 

The gentleman's a noble prince a marvel of ventriloquy 

Unhappily afflicted with a mania for soliloquy. 

The lady is the victim of the God of Love tyrannical 

You see it in her gestures, which are morbidly mechanical ; 

He's backed himself at heavy odds, in proof of his ability 

That he'll soliloquize her into utter imbecility. 

She wildly begs him to desist appeals to his humanity, 

But all in vain observe her eyes a-goggling with insanity. 

He perseveres, improving the occasion opportunatic 

She sticks straws in her hair he's won his wager she's a lunatic ! 

[During this, BARTOLO and NITA have gone through the 
movements described in a ridiculously jerky and 
mechanical fashion. 

ENSEMBLE. 

CHORUS.- -TERESA AND ULTUICE. 
CHORUS. TER. (to ALF.). 

Astonishing, To thee I cling 

What science can contrive ! To gain thy love I strive ; 

In everything My heart you wring, 

You'd think they were alive. I shall not long survive ! 

Her lovely face 

Her eloquent despair ! ULT. 

His princely grace, From his embrace 

His beautiful back hair. Thyself directly tear, 

Or I'll deface 

Thy beautiful back hair ! 

Alf. Appreciation of such skill 

Should not be shown by stealth. 
Jn bumpers round (I'll pay the bill), 
We'll drink the showman's health. 

[Taking up wine- skin which PIETRO left at entrance 
to Inn. 



382 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

This wine-skin I devote to you, 

We'll drink it till it's dry. 
I'm sure that's what the Duke would do, 

Were he as pleased as I ! 

All. Hurrah ! 

I'm sure that's what the Duke would do, 
Were he as pleased as I ! 

Fie. (horrified). Beware! 

That wine is mine, 

You must not drink it. 
Alf. Forbear ! 

I pay my way ! 

You may not think it ! 

[Gives money to PIETKO. 

Pic. Take care ! 

The wine is poisoned, on my word rely, 
And he who drinks in agony will die ! 
Commencing with a gentle pain 

Scarce worth a question, 
It grows apace, till you complain 

Of indigestion. 
Then follows an internal fire 

That scorns emulsions, 
Until, ere nightful, you expire 

In fierce convulsions ! 
All. Ha ! ha ! 

An idle tale we think it ! 
Ho ! ho ! 
We saw you freely drink it 

[During this ALFREDO lias filled a number of goblets with 
wine from the wine-skin, and handed them round to 
ARROSTINO and the Male Chorus. 

A(f. It can't be worse than 'Vino's wine accurst 

If we're to die of it, be thou the first ! 

[Dratus sword and offers cup to PIETRO. During this 
the two figures express galvanic agitation. 

Pic. I can't obey you ! 
All. Drink ! 

Alf. Come, why delay you? 
All. Drink ! 

Pie. I beg I pray you ! 
All. Drink ! 

Alf. Quick, or I'll slay you ! 
All. Drink ! 

[During this ELVINO has poured the wine down PIETRO'S 
throat. PIETRO immediately begins to feel the effect 
of the ivine, ivhich he described as poison, and which 
has become poison to him. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 383 

Alf. Ob, ye who are weary of life, 

Don't trifle with pistol and knife 

This potion is far from amiss ; 
If you've ducats of gold in your purse, 
Why, then, you may surely do worse 

Than die of such poison as this ! 
C/ionis. Oh, ye who arc weary of life, etc. 

[During this, TERESA has pretended to fall insensible at 
ALFREDO'S feet. lie supports her, and supposing 
that she has fainted, pours some of the wine down 
her throat. All the others (except the Chorus of 
Girls) raise the' cups to their lips, and drink as the 
Act Drop falls. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. Exterior of Monastery by moonlight. Mountain range 

and river in distance. 

KISOTTO discovered. 

His. {looking at watch). Now, Minestra, where are you ? 
This is the appointed spot, and you are not here. Dear, dear, 
dear ! She never kept me waiting before. (Looking off.) Ah, I 
see her ! Here she comes, toddling along like an old lady of 
eighty ! What a thorough little artist it is ! She keeps up 
the character even when she thinks no one is looking ! 

Enter MINESTRA, now really transformed into an old crone. 
My darling, you're late. Why what a wonderful disguise ! 
I never saw anything more perfect in my life ! I can hardly 
believe that this is my pretty, dainty, delicate, little bride ! 

Min. Oh, Risotto, don't be angry with your little wifey, but 
something terrible has happened I I can't get it off! 

liis. Can't get what off, my pet ? 

Min. The make-up ! I lined my face, just as you told me 
and and now they're real wrinkles ! 

His. (examining her face). What ! 

Min. Then you told me to cover my teeth with cobbler's 
wax. They've all come out ! Then you told me to pretend I 
had gout and rheumatism and I've got 'em ! Ugh ! (Groaning.') 

His. But, my dearest girl 

Min. Then my hair ! Oh, my poor hair ! 

His. It's a capital wig. 

Min. That's it it's not "a wig ! It's my own, and it won't 
come off and I hate it ! 



384 THE MOUNTEBANKS,. 

His. This is a most remarkable circumstance. How did it 
happen ? 

Min. After I had dressed myself as an old woman we all 
drank some wine out of the conjuror's wine-skin, and I gradually 
became an old lady of seventy-four ! 

Eis. This is most embarrassing. I may say, most dis- 
appointing. On one's wedding-day, too ! 

Min. My poor husband, I'm so sorry for you ! But I'm an 
old woman, and you won't be troubled with me long; that's 
one comfort for you. 

Eis. Yes I mean, no. I I trust that, notwithstanding 
this this modification of the implied terms of our agreement 
there are many years of of yes, bliss in store for us. 
(Aside.} If it had only happened yesterday, it wouldn't have 
mattered so much ! 

Min. Of course, you won't love your little woman now! 

Eis. Oh, I beg your pardon. I shall have much pleasure in 
in showing you every attention compatible with the the 
respect due to a lady of your advanced years, my my pet ! 

DUET. RISOTTO AND MIXESTRA. 

Min. I'd be a young girl if I could ! 

Ris. You're very good you're very good ; 

But that unlikely I'm afraid is ! 
Min. I'd be as lovely as a rose ! 

Jiis. So I suppose so I suppose. 

And so, no doubt, would most old ladies ! 
J/m. I'll rouge my face, make up my eyes, 

With cunning dyes with cunning dyes 

My venerable looks anointing. 
I'll try my best your heart to thrill. 
liis. I'm sure you will, my love, but still 

It is a little disappointing ! 

It is a little 

Min. Just a little 

Ris. Yes, a little 

Both. Little little disappointing ! 

Ris. You're certain that you're wide awake ? 

There's no mistake there's no mistake ? 

Your rugged wrinkles you can't thin off ? 
Min. I've scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed away 

For half a day, for half a day, 

Until I've almost scrubbed the skin off ! 
So gouty and rheumatic I, 
That though I try, that though I try, 

I scarce can fasten my shoe-buckles. 

Ris. (looking at her fingers). My bride could write (so gouty she) 
" No Popery ! No Popery ! " 
On all the walls with all her knuckles ! 
It is a little 



THE MOUNTEBANKS, 385 

Min. Just a little 

His. Yes, a little 

Both. Little little disappointing ! 

{Exit RISOTTO, slowly and despondingly. 
Min. It's a sad thing to be transformed into an old woman 
in the very flower of one's life ! Ah, deary me ! this is but a 
dismal wedding-day! Why, who comes here? Teresa, as I 
live and crying too ! What has she to cry for ? She's young 
enough, I'm sure ! 

Enter TEEESA. (Jler manner suggests that she is crazed.} 
RECITATIVE AND SONG. TERESA. 

All alone to my eerie I wander aweary, 

A desolate maid of her lover bereft ; 
What matter ? 'tis only a heart that is lonely 

A-many the maids that a lover has left ! 

BALLAD. 

Whispering breeze, 

Bring me my dear ! 
Wind-shaken trees, 

Beckon him here ! 
Rivulet, hie 

Prithee go see- 
Birds, as ye fly, 

Call him to me ! 

Tell him the tale of the tears that I shed- 
Tell him I die for the love that is dead ! 
Heart that in jest 

Laughed him to scorn, 
Now in my breast 

Lying forlorn 
Idle to plead ! 

Cherish thy chain 
Thou shall be freed 

Never again ! 

My heart it is sad and a- weary my head, 
For I weep and I die for the love that is dead ! 

[She sinks, weeping, on a seat. 

Min. Why, take heart, little one ! What ails thee ? Come, 
tell me thy sorrow. I'm an old body now, but time was when 
I was as young as thou art and not so long since, either ! 

Ter. Oh, mother, mother, I think I am bewitched ! 

Min. (aside). Here's another ! 

Ter. 1 am as though in a dream ! Shall I tell thee ? Yes, 
for thou hast a kindly old face. To serve an unworthy end I 
must needs feign to be going mad for the love of Alfredo, and 
so feigning, I fell at his feet. He, thinking I had swooned in 
good sooth, placed a wine-cup to my lips, and I drank, and oh, 

in. 2 c 



3S6 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

mother, it must have been some love-philtre, for, behold, a 
wondrous change came over me, and he who was naught to me 
before became as the very breath of my life ! 

Min. Well, the potion has done thee good service, for he's a 
good lad, and will make thee a strapping husband. 

Ter. Nay, herein is the mischief of it it was too late, for he 
had already given his heart to another, and would none of me, 
and I, whose very soul is possessed by my love of him, have 
retained the village fiddler to compose crazy love-songs for me 
to sing when occasion ariseth, for I am going mad mad mad 
and be a girl never so crazy, her songs should be in accord- 
ance with the rules of thorough-bass. 

Min. Ha ! Now, mark me that mountebanking fellow is 
at the bottom of this. Why, he hath also bewitched me! 

Ter. Thou? Thou lovest not Alfredo ? 

Min. A fig for Alfredo; Why, look at me, child; I am 
Minestra ! 

Ter. (looking at her). Thou Minestra, who was married this 
morning? Nay, I am mad; but not so mad as that ! Minestra 
is young and rather pretty not so pretty as I, but still pretty 
whereas thou art oh ! I ask pardon my brain wanders 
wanders wanders ! 

Min. I am Minestra, I tell thee. For a purpose also an 
unworthy one I feigned to be an old dame, and so feigning, I 
drank and, hang the knave, I am seventy ! 

Ter. Thou Minestra? Why, let me look! As I live, it is 
true! Oh, poor, poor Kisotto ! 

Min. Even so ; thy pity is for him not for me. No matter. 
But if I can find this Jack-pudding, trust me, I'll make him 
set matters straight again. Oh, I have as much to regain as 
thou! 

DUET. MlNESTKA AND TERESA. 

Min. If I can catch this jolly Jack- Patch 

Ter. Ah, me ! my heart is weary, oh ! 

Min. He'll go for a year with a flea in his ear ! 

Ter. And my days are dark and dreary, oh ! 

Min. He'll find his joke is a pig in a poke 

Ter. For love my soul is aching, oh ! 

Min. Though scarce a score, I'm seventy-four ! 

Ter. And my heart, my heart is breaking, oh ! 

Min. When a woman has come to seventy year 

It's well to be withered and old and blear ; 

But when she is only a score like me, 

It's better a fair young girl to be ! 
Ter. ' lis well to be young when all is well, 

And lovers are true to the tales they tell ; 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 387 

But ah ! when love is a upas tree, 
Tis better an aged dame to be ! 

[Exeunt together. 

Symphony. Enter BARTOLO and NITA (still as waxwork 
Hamlet and Ophelia). They walk down the stage 
mechanically, as though controlled by clockwork. Their 
keys are fitted with keyholes in the small of their backs. 
Each ivears a placard inscribed " Put a penny in the slot." 

DUET. BABTOLO AND NITA. 

Bar. If our action's stiff and crude, 

Do not laugh because it's rude. 
Ni. If our gestures promise larks, 

Do not make unkind remarks. 
Bar. Clockwork figures may be found 

Everywhere and all around. 
Ni. Ten to one, if we but knew, 

You are clockwork figures too. 
Bar. And the motto of the lot, 

Ni. " Put a penny in the slot ! 

Ni, Usurer, for money lent, 

Making out his cent, per cent. 
Bar. Widow plump or maiden rare, 

Deaf and dumb to suitor's prayer 
Ni. Tax collectors, whom in vain 

You implore to " call again" 
Bar. Cautious voter, whom you find 

Slow in making up his mind. 
Ni. If you'd move them on the spot, 

Bar. Put a penny in the slot ! 

Bar. Bland reporters in the courts. 

Who suppress police reports 
Ni. Sheriff's yeoman, pen in fist, 

Making out a jury list 
Bar. Stern policemen, tall and spare, 

Acting all " upon the square" 
Ni. (Which in words that plainer fall 

Means that you can square them all) 
Bar. If you want to move the lot, 

Ni. Put a penny in the slot ! 

Bar. Nita. 

Ni. Well? 

Bar. This is a very uncomfortable state of things. 

Ni. Very. How do you find your clockwork this evening? 

Bar. Ticking, ticking, thank you. And you ? 

Ni. I fancy I want regulating. 

Bar. Eh? 

Ni. I think I'm rather fast. 



388 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Bar. Nita, you surprise and shock me. 

Ni. Mechanically speaking, I mean. 

Bar. Oh, I take you. This condition of existence is rather 
degrading. We are quite common clockwork, I believe ? 

Ni. Mere Geneva. The cheapest thing in the trade. 

Bar. So I was given to understand. 

Ni. It might have been worse. We might have been 
Waterbury, with interchangeable iusides. 

Bar. That's true. But when I remember the delicately- 
beautiful apparatus with which I was filled from head to foot 
and which never, never ticked when I contemplate the 
exquisite adjustment of means to end which never, never 
wanted oiling I am shocked to think that I am reduced to a 
mere mechanical complication of arbors, pallets, wheels, main- 
springs, and escapements ! 

Ni. Still you were always complaining. You never were 
quite well. 

Bar. Because I eat too much. 

Ni. That's true. 

Bar. Never weary of putting into operation the exquisitely- 
beautiful apparatus of digestion, I over-taxed its powers. I was 
a scientific enthusiast, and I over-did it. Still, it is something 
to have an apparatus that never, never aches. I I hallo ! 

Ni. What's the matter ? 

Bar. (very slowly}. I beg your pardon. I think I 
must be running down. May I trouble you? They've 
thoughtlessly put the key-hole in the small of my back 
and I can't get at it. (NiTA ivinds him up.) Thank you. 
That's very nice, indeed. Now I can go on again. Hallo ! 
c'ck! c'ck! c'ck! 

Ni. What's wrong now ? 

Bar. I c'ck c'ck I am not conversant with clockwork ; 
but do you feel, from time to time, a kind of jerkiness that 
catches you just here ? 

Ni. No; I work as smooth as butter. The continued ticking 
is tiresome ; but it's only for an hour. 

Bar. The ticking is simply maddening. C'ck ! c'ck ! There 
it is again ! 

Ni. Something wrong with your works, I'm afraid. Stop a 
bit I'll see. {Opens door in chest, revealing a quantity of 
clockwork.) No ; all right there. Turn round. (He does so ; 
she opens door in the back of his head.) No ; the head appears 
to be empty. (Opens door in his side.) I see what it is ; a 
halfpenny has got into your escapement. Stop a bit! (Takes 
out halfpenny.) 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 389 

Bar. Bless ray heart, how dangerous! What a relief! 
Thank you very much. You may keep it for your trouble; 
but do not oh, do not spend it in foolishness. 

Ni. While I'm about it, I'll just oil you, and then {Pro- 
ceeds to oil his works with a feather}. 

Bar. (squirming}. Don't ! You tickle ! 

Enter PIETRO, looking very ill. 

Pie. (not seeing them). The Duke and Duchess will be here 
iu half an hour their escort is already in sight. Dying by 
slow poison is a very painful process, and I couldn't have held 
out much longer. (Sees them.) Nita! what are you doing ? 

Ni. I'm oiling Bartolo. 

Bar. I am being oiled by Nitn, and she does tickle ! I don't 
like it. At least I do like it, but it's wrong. 

Pie. How dare you take such a liberty? Shut the gentle- 
man up at once. .Nice occupation for a young lady ! 

Ni. But there's something wrong with his works. 

Pie. That's no affair of yours. If Bartolo's works are out of 
order, that is a matter for Bartolo's medical attendant I mean 
his clockmaker. Don't let me catch you oiling him again. 

Ni. Ha! ha ! ha! 

Pie. If this occurs again, I'll take both your keys away 
upon my word I will ! 

TRIO. BARTOLO, NITA, AND PIETRO. 

Bar. When gentlemen are eaten up with jealousy, 

They make themselves exceedingly ridiculous, 
For everything around they tinted yellow see 
Their antics and extravagances tickle us. 
Their antics and extravagances 
Tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic 
They tic-tic, tic-tic, tickle us ! 

All. They tic-tic, etc. 

-XI. Here's a gentleman, as fierce as a Mahometan. 

So carried off by jealousy vehicular, 
He's down on an unfortunate Automaton : 
Some people are so terribly particular ! 
Some people are too terribly 

Partic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic 
Partic-tic, tic-tic, ticular ! 

All. Partic-tic, tic-tic, etc. 

Pie. When a lady is disposed to be tyrannical, 

She's equal to unlimited iniquity : 
And flirting may be flirting, though mechanical 
A fact that has the sanction of antiquity 



390 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Antic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic 
Antic-tic, tic-tic, tiquity ! 

All. Antic-tic, etc, 

[Exeunt NIT A and BARTOLO at opposite entrances, walk- 
ing mechanically to symphony. PIETRO accompany- 
ing NIT A. 

Enter from monastery a procession of Tamorras (noio trans- 
formed into Dominican Monks) chaunting from 'black-letter 
volumes ; ARROSTINO as the Prior. 

CHAUNT. 



rljcre toarf toljeu earthly j0j> 
0ur 3eue full cmplog ; 
3En tf)03e fcawtf, far ebcr gone, 
, I)0fo) toe rarrtrtr on ! 
Clm&tng gTa^cS 



Hcbcl ^ ear to 
parfu 



tarantella ! 
3E tI;0)Sc Uaws?, for rbcr 
3Sle^ it)S, ^nb toe rarrtctr 0n 

(Confidentially to audience) 

It's a most unaccountable thing 

An hour ago, as banditti, 
We played like young lovers in spring, 

The mischief in village and city ; 
But since \ve got merry and mellow 
On the wine of that conjuring fellow, 

Transmogrified we're 

Into friars austere, 
Unwashed and unpleasantly yellow ! 

Whatever j r ou say or you sing, 

It's a most unaccountable thing ! 

Enter Chorus of Girls, from various directions. 

CHORUS OF GIRLS. 
After a weary search 

Hiding, at last, we find you ; 
Leaving us in the lurch 

Isn't good breeding, mind you. 
Offer apologee 

We shall want some persuading ; 
When do you think you'll be 

Tired of masquerading ? 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 391 

[During this chorus, the Girls have been endeavouring to 
induce the Monks to pay them attentions. The 
Monks, hoivever, have kept their eyes studiously on 
their looks. 

Arr. These blandishments I pray you curb, 

Nor think us churls nor think us churls ; 
Our pious calm do not disturb, 

Now there's good girls now there's good girls ! 
Though our emotions, as you see, 

We try to freeze we try to freeze ! 
We don't, as yet, pretend to be 

St. Anthonies St. Anthonies ; 
So go along nor think us churls. 

Now there's good girls now there's good girls ! 

The Girls. Ah, cruel ones ! 

Time was, your love was stronger ! 

Ah, cruel ones ! 
You love us then no longer ! 

Monks. It's a most unaccountable thing 

(confidingly to Girls). An hour ago, as banditti, 

We played like young lovers in spring, 

The mischief in village and city. 
But since we got merry and mellow 
On the wine of that conjuring fellow, 
Transmogrified we're 
Into friars austere, 
Unwashed and unpleasantly yellow ! 
All. Whatever you say or sing,' 

It's a most unaccountable thing ! 

Enter PIETRO, still very ill. 

All (seeing him). Ah ! 

What does this mean what have you done ? 
Do not attempt away to run 

Nor questions try to parry. 

The men to whom < .? e | were betrothed, 

r,., e > find as holy friars clothed, 

Who mustn't ever marry ! 
Who mustn't ever marry ! 
Pie. Now I'll explain, 

(If calm you'll be) 

As well as I can 
Though I'm in pain 

And ought to see 
A medical man. 

RECITATIVE. PIETRO. 

My worthy friends, the wine you chose to drink 
Makes every one what he pretends to be ; 



392 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

You personated monks, and monks you are, 
And will be monks until the spell's removed. 

All. Oh, horror ! 

Oh, horror and despair unprecedented ! 

Girls. But how long must they wait to dreary cell, 
To life-long celibacy sternly vowed ? 

Men. Yes, say how long ? 

Pie. Have patience, for I hold the antidote, 

[Producing pocket-book. 
And in an hour or two, or thereabouts, 
The spell shall be removed, and you may wed 
As quickly and as often as you please ! 

All. Oh, rapture ! 

Oh, rapture, joy, and bliss unprecedented ! 

Chorus of Girls An hour ! 'twill rapidly pass, 

(dancing}. Our freedom we then shall recover ; 

Each lover will welcome his lass 

Each lass will return to her lover ! 
The bells for our wedding will chime, 
Delight in each bosom implanting, 
So, gentlemen, in the mean time, 
Proceed, if you please, with your chaunting ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

MEN. GIRLS. 

Earthly pleasures that allure, An hour ! 'twill rapidly pass, 

For an hour we abjure, etc. Our freedom we then shall 

recover, etc. 

[Exeunt Girls. Manent ARROSTINO, GIORGIO, LUIGI, 
and Monks. 

Arr. This is a remarkable change, my son. A great improve- 
ment on our recent condition. Devoted as we now are to a life 
of contemplation restricted by the rules of our order to a diet 
of bread and herbs and not much of that indigestion and its 
attendant inconveniences will be matters of tradition. 

Lui. Still, it must be admitted that the old life was a pleasant 
one! 

Arr. Yes, we had a jolly time of it while it lasted. {Correct- 
ing himself.} I should say that worldly allurements have the 
faculty of enlivening their devotees for the moment, but the 
evening's enjoyment seldom bears the morning's reflection, and 
the choicest banquet is but a feast of Dead Sea apples which 
turn to ashes in the mouth ! 

Oio. Under the circumstances, we might have spared our- 
selves the trouble of luring the Duke and Duchess to the 
monastery. 

Arr. No no, I think not. It is true that, having regard 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 393 

to our present condition, we are bound to receive our dis- 
tinguished guests with scrupulous hospitality, but an hour will 
soon pass, and we shall then, unhappily, lapse once more into 
the deplorable condition of being able to avail ourselves of any 
small change their Highnesses may happen to have about them. 
It is dreadful to think of, but that's what we shall be in about 
an hour. [LuiGi ascends to balcony of monastery. 

RECITATIVE. 

Lui. The Duke and Duchess hither wend their ways, 

Shall we receive them with a song of praise ? 

Arr. With glad acclaim we'll make the welkin ring, 

The only question is what shall we sing? 

CHORUS. 

We know no song 
That fits a throng 

Of friars smug and greasy : 
Our worldly lays 
Of bygone days 

Are much too free and easy ; 
Though suited to 
A bandit crew, 

They're not at all monastic. 
And can't be sung 
By sober tongue 

Of mild ecclesiastic. 
Arr. Stout-hearted be ! 

So many here 
We need not fear 

The ordeal before us ; 
No single word 
Is ever heard 

When singers sing in chorus. 
So sing with me 

Enter ALFREDO, dressed magnificently as the DuJce, supporting 
MINESTRA, who is apparently insensible. 

All. La la la la la, 

La la la, etc. 

Duke (very impressively). La la la la la, 

La la la, etc. 

[TJie Monks are much impressed with ALFREDO'S reply 
and express in gestures their satisfaction with the 
sentiments he has expressed. 
All. La la la la, etc. 

[Exeunt all the Monks except ARROSTINO, GIORGIO, and 

LUIGI. 

Alf. (to ARROSTINO). May I ask if you are the Prior of this 
monastery ? 



394 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Arr. "Well, I am and I am not. That is, I am now, but I 
wasn't an hour ago. 

Alf. I see a recent appointment. 

Arr. Yes, for an hour. Present tense, I am a Prior. Imperfect 
tense, I was a rollicking young rantipole. Future tense, I shall 
be a rollicking young rantipole in an hour. I hope I make 
myself clear ? 

Alf. Perfectly. (Aside.} Very like my own case. (Aloud.) I 
found this poor old lady almost insensible at the foot of the 
mountain. She had just strength enough to beg me to bring 
her here to you. 

Arr. Exactly. You call her an old lady. Well, she is an 
old lady, and she isn't an old lady. Present tense, she is an old 
lady. Imperfect tense, she was a young lady. 

Alf. Of course she was. 

Arr. Ah ! but, Future tense, she will be a young lady again 
in an hour. That's the curious part of it. (To MINESTRA.) 
Go in, my dear I should say my aged sister and we will take 
every care of you. [LuiGi carries MINESTRA into monastery. 

Alf. You are very good. 

Arr. Well, I am, and I am not. Present tense, I am very 
good. Imperfect tense, I was confoundedly bad. Future tense, 
I shall be confoundedly bad again in an hour. 

Alf. We are fortunate in having dropped in upon you during 
your virtuous phase. 

LUIGI re-enters. 

Arr. Particularly so. It's altogether a curious state of 
things. I'm such a creature of habit that I find it difficult to 
remember that I am no longer a rantipole. For instance, I see 
you have a watch. Perhaps it is a valuable watch. Don't tell 
me it is ; 1 would rather not know. Now, you can't imagine 
how difficult I find it not to take that watch. Oh, I know it's 
wrong; but then I always knew that. (Adopting a clerical 
manner.) By the way, I am collecting a few gold watches to 

send out to the poor naked savages of (Aside.) No, hang it 

all, let the man alone ; you ought to be ashamed of yourself ! 
(Aloud.) Pardon me, your handkerchief's hanging out. Will you 
oblige me by putting it out of sight ? (ALFREDO does so.) Thank 
you, thank you so much ! Temptation, you know, temptation ! 
We are all weak, and it is sometimes difficult to resist. 

Alf. (aside). Singular character, this Prior. (Aloud.) Of 
course I am prepared to give a donation to this monastery in 
consideration of your taking charge of the old lady. (Feeling for 
his purse.) By-the-by, where's my purse ? 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 305 

Arr., Gio., and Lui. (fatting on their knees). Not guilty, 
your worship ! 

Alf. Of course not. Ha ! ha ! (Finds it.) Oh, here it is ! 

All. Ha! ha! ha! 

Arr. Yes, but you frightened us ! 

Alf. Allow me to present this sum to the funds of the 
monastery. 

Arr. No, thank ye ; I'd rather not. Here, give it to Father 
Luigi. [Exit ARROSTINO into monastery. 

Lui. No, thank ye ; not for me. Father Giorgio will take it. 

[Exit into monastery. 

Gio. Oh no ; Father Giorgio won't. Father Giorgio's a good 
little boy now for an hour. [Exit into monastery. 

Alf. This is an unaccountable state of things! To please 
Elvino I pretended to be a Duke, and I selected Ultrice as my 
Duchess. We drank the wine and we became a Duke and 
Duchess in real earnest, and, what is odder still, that unpleasant 
young person exercises an extraordinary fascination over me ; 
while Teresa, whom I used to love so passionately, has completely 
faded out of my recollection. 

Enter TERESA, crazed. 

SONG. TERESA. 

Willow, willow, where's my love '? 
Lovers ways are mazy ; 
All who hear me, 
Much I fear me, 
Think I'm going crazy. 
Willow, willow, where's my love ? 

Waiting I, and weary- 
Willow, willow, where's my love ? 
Where's my duck- a-deary ? 

Ter. 'Tis but a silly song, and passing dear at the ducat I 
paid for it. They think anything is good enough for a mad 
maiden to sing; but though the maid be mad, her ducats are 
sound, and good gold should buy good wares, and there are 
none so mad but that they want value for cash ! 

Alf. Teresa! 

Ter. (not recognizing him). My lord Duke, is it not ? My 
service to your Grace and to your Grace's bravery. (Kissing his 
cloak.) In good sooth, these are fine trappings, but they'll 
not trap me, for I love a lad who will none of me ! My song- 
says he's my duck-a-deary, which is true, in fact ; but the 
expression is weak, and I am not yet mad enough for it. But 
I shall be, soon I shall be, soon ! 



396 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Alf. Teresa ! do you not know Alfredo, who used to love you 
so dearly? 

Ter. Alfredo ! Alfredo ! It is it is ha ! ha ! ha ! (About 
to embrace him.') 

Alf. Don't. That I cannot permit. Under the circumstances, 
it would be in the last degree unbecoming. 

Ter. Oh, I had forgotten! Thou lovest another now a 
plain girl, compared with me. Methinks thou too must be mad 
to take up with such a one! But we are all mad all all 
mad. 

Alf. I sometimes think so too. But take heart, little one ; 
it is true I love thee not, for I have a bride, and no married 
man ever loves anybody but his wife. 

Ter. I am not so mad but that I know that. Why, I learnt 
it at school ! But thou art like the rest thou thinkest that 
any truism is good enough for a mad girl ! 

Alf. As I was saying, take heart, for although you are 
nothing to me now, yet I have ascertained that this spell under 
which we all labour will be removed in an hour, and I shall 
then love you as dearly, as passionately as heretofore ! 

Ter. Is this indeed so ? In one brief hour ? No, no ; I dare 
not believe it ! 

DUET. ALFREDO AND TERESA. 

Alf. In days gone by, 

But soon to come again, 
With ardour pure 
I used to pine, 
And strove to lure 

That heart of thine 
With all my might and main. 

I know not why, 

But now, for thee, I find 
I do not care : 

To be exact, 
Thy beauty rare 

Does not attract 
To all thy charms I'm blind ! 
But take good heart an hour will pass amain, 
And all my love will then come back again ! 

Ter. In days gone by 

1 played an idle part : 
With scornful smile, 

And heartless jest 
And worldly guile, 
Made manifest, 
I grieved thy faithful heart. 






THE MOUNTEBANKS. 397 

How chcinged am I ! 

The love I dared decline, 
Is now the breath 
Of life to me. 
And till kind death 

Shall set me free 
My love shall live for thine ! 
Be brave, poor heart an hour will pass amain, 
And all his love will then come back again ! 



Enter ULTRICE. 

RECITATIVE. 

Ult. So, I have found you ! 

Alf. (leaving TERESA, and rushing to ULTRICE, as though under the 
influence of a spell}. 

Passionately loved one ! 

Thy dainty hand I kiss I mean the gloved one ! 
Oh, thou adored with passion most romantic ! 
Worshipped with all the fire of frenzy frantic ! 
For one short hour my love consent to share it 
It won't last longer than an hour I swear it ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

ULT. (aside). ALF. (aside). TER. 

The days of scorn are The scorn I felt is An hour will soon have 

p as t past passed 

With passion he's de- With passion I'm With passion I'm de- 
mented ! demented ! mented ! 
Triumphant I, at last ! But still, it will not It won't much longer 
My heart is now con- last last 

tented. With that I'll be With that I'll be con- 

A suppliant at my feet, contented. tented. 

Thanks to the wizard's A suppliant at her feet, Though he is at her 

potion Thanks to the feet, 

With insolence I'll treat wizard's potion Thanks to the 
His newly-born devo- An hour and obsolete wizard's potion 
tion. My newly-born de- An hour and obsolete 

votion ! His newly-born de- 

votion ! 

\Exit ALFREDO into monastery. TERESA attempts to 
follow him ; she is stopped by ULTRICE, who sends 
her off in the opposite direction. ULTRICE remains. 

RECITATIVE. ULTRICE. 

An hour V Nay, nay 

A lifetime rather that is as I will. 

His love is mine yes, mine alone, until 
His dying day ! 



398 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Go, cheat yourselves with promises, poor fools ! 

I hold the talisman that overrules 
The potion's power ! (Producing the pocket-book.) 

I found the conjuror sleeping and alone 

I stole it ! It's mine ! my very own ! 

Alfredo, till he dies, shall wear my gyves ! 

An hour ? Poor fools, that hour shall last your lives ! 
Ha ! ha ! an hour ! [Exit. 

Enter all the Chorus of Girls, running. ALFREDO comes out of 
monastery and joins ULTRICE. He is followed by all the 
Monks. Enter, also, PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA, the two 
last still as clocJcivork figures. 

Chorus of Oh, please you not to go away 

Girls. Until you've seen the clockwork play. 
Two figures carry on the plot, 
And one's a man the other's not. 
They're full of complicated springs, 
And weights, and wheels, and catgut strings 
You wind 'em up, just in the back, 
With cracky, cracky, cracky, crack 
Then all the wheels, revolving quick, 
Go ticky, ticky, ticky, tick 
And then the figures eat and drink, 
And walk and talk, and wink and think, 
And quarrel, just like lovers twain, 
And kiss and make it up again. 

AH. It's very true, and very quaint 

The one's a man, the other ain't. 
You wind 'em up, just in the back, 
With cracky, cracky, cracky, crack 
And all the wheels, revolving quick, 
Go ticky, ticky, ticky, tick. 
It's very true it's very quaint 
The one's a man the other ain't ! 

[During this, PIETRO has been dusting and arranging the 
figures, ivho have entered, jerkily, into the spirit of 
the chorus. 

Pie. (coming forward). May it please your Graces 

These are figures two, 
Who, in port and paces, 

Show you something new. 
Note their human faces, 

And the things they do ; 
We've reserved front places 
(Recognizing them.} Hallo ! Why, it's you ! 

( To the others.) Alfredo and Ultrice ! Peasants two ! 

All. Oh ! 

What do you mean by this sheer audacity ? 

What do you mean by this ill-timed joke? 
How do you dare defy veracity ? 









THE MOUNTEBANKS. 399 

Ult. Spare your unrestrained loquacity, 

Listen while we the truth uncloke. 
At 'Vino's base design 

The Duke and Duchess aping 
We drank the cursed wine, 

For which we all were gaping. 
Then all at once we fell 

Into the wizard's clutches, 
Who changed us, strange to tell, 

To genuine Duke and Duchess. 

All. But 

Ult. Don't ask for further details cease your chatter ; 

We've told you all we know about the matter. 

[Exeunt ALFREDO and ULTRICE. 

Chorus, We may as well restrain our useless chatter ; 

They've told us all they know about the matter ! 

Pie. (despondingly). There's only one thing to be done, 

Destroy the antidote by fierce ignition, 
And thereby bring back every one 
To his (or her) original condition ! 

All. Hurrah ! 

The Men, Sandal and robe we gladly lose, 

Here is an end to our calling clerical. 

The Girls. Now they may marry whenever they choose, 
All of us are with joy hysterical. 

Bar. and We shall be human, body and limb, 

Nita. Happy to think our state is curable. 

Pie. I shall be free from these tortures grim ; 

They're getting exceedingly unendurable ! 

All. Hurrah! [PIETRO feels for jwckct-book. 

Quick, quick the antidote ! [He can't find it. 

How horrified you look ! 

Pie, I had it in this coat 

Safe in my pocket-book. [Feeling for it. 

The truth I must admit, 
Some thief has stolen it ! 

All. Oh, horror ! 

Accursed sorcerer ! [Threateningly to PIETRO. 

Thou demon-leagued traitor ! 
Ill-omened harbinger ! 

Low-born equivocator ! 
This is a hideous plot 

To rob us of our senses 
Restore us on the spot, 

Or dread the consequences ! 

[Exeunt all but PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA. PIETRO 
sits in great pain and distress. BARTOLO and NITA 
make ineffective attempts to move and speak, but they 
have " run down" 



400 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Pie. (observing their efforts'). Now, then, what's wrong with 
you ? Oh, I see. (Winds them up.) 

.Bar. Upon my honour, this is a pretty state of 
things. Clockwork for life, I suppose ! It's monstrous 
outrageous ! What's to become of Nita, and, above 
all, what's to become of me ? 

Ni. Well, a nice mess you've made of this ; to go and 
lose the only thing that could bring us back to life 
again. What do you mean by it, you ridiculous old 
donkey? 

Pie. What do you want ? 
Ni. Why, if I'm to be Ophelia for the rest of my life, it 
would be convenient to know what Ophelia did. 
Bar. She coaxed Hamlet, a good deal. 

Pie. Nothing of the kind ; she committed suicide because 
Hamlet wouldn't marry her. 
Ni. What lately? 

Pie. Lately ! Several hundred years ago. (NiTA and BAR- 
TOLO turn and ivalk rapidly up stage.} Where are you 
going ? 

Ni. We're going back several hundred years. 
Pie. It's not necessary. You can do it here. (NiTA begins 
to cry.) 

Bar. I have it. If Hamlet had married Ophelia she wouldn't 
have committed suicide. 
Pie. Well? What then? 

Bar. What then ? Why ; if I marry her at once the motive 
for the act will be removed ! 

Pie. Nonsense ! Hamlet and Ophelia never married. It 
would be trifling with the text. 

Bar. Anyhow, it's a new reading. What ! am I to be the 
only Hamlet who is not permitted to discover new readings ? 
Bah! 

TRIO. PIETRO, NITA, AND BARTOLO. 

Pic. Ophelia was a daintly little maid, 

Who loved a very melancholy Dane ; 
Whose affection of the heart, so it is said, 
Preceded his affection of the brain. 
Heir-apparent to the Crown, 

He thought lightly of her passion. 
Having wandered up and down, 

In an incoherent fashion, 
When she found he wouldn't wed her, 
In a river, in a meadder, 
Took a header, and a deader 
Was Ophelia ! 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 401 

Ophelia to her sex was a disgrace, 

Whom nobody could feel compassion for. 
Ophelia should have gone to Ely Place 
To consult an eminent solicitor. 
When such promises as these 

Breaks a suitor, rich and regal, 
Why, substantial damages 
Is the panacea legal 
From a jury sons of Adam, 
Though as stony as Macadam, 
Maid or madam, she'd have had 'em, 
Would Ophelia ! 

Bar. There's a venerable proverb in my mind, 

Which applies to this catastrophe, I think, 
To a horse who is unfortunately blind 
Any nod is just as good as any wink. 

Opportunity I'll seize 

Of avoiding any error : 
Of substantial damages 

I have always had a terror. 
That calamity to parn r 
Not a moment will I tarry, 
Off I'll carry and I'll marry 

Poor Ophelia ! 

[Exeunt BARTOLO and NITA. As they go off, PIETRO 
dyly steals their respective keys, and goes off trium- 
phantly in the opposite direction. 

Enter ULTRICE and TERESA. 

Ult. She comes ! Ah, Madame Jilt ! 

Oh, crazy insolent ! Ah, wonder as thou wilt, 
Thy scornful head is bent ! 

Ter. Ultrice ! Ultrice ! 

Ult. Ah, cruel one ! 

Thou knowest now 

The torture of a love that's gone astray ! 

Ter. Ah ! spare me ! 

Ult. Thou knowest now 

The fate of those who will not when they may 

Ter. Ah ! spare me ! 

Ult . Thou knowest now 

The sting of jealousy's envenomed dart. 

Ter. Ah ! spare me ! 

Ult. Thou knowest now 

The deadly famine of a hungry heart. 

Ter. Ah ! spare me ! 

Farewell, Alfredo ! [Turning to ULTRICE. 

Ere deathly cold 

I lie on yonder strand 
III. 2 D 



402 THE MOUNTEBANKS. 

Ah, let me hold 

The hand that is his hand ; [Taking her hand. 

Ere lost I be 

In yonder cold eclipse, 
Vouchsafe to me 

The lips that are his lips ! 

[Kissing ULTRICE, ivJw remains motionless. 

May he forget 

His love of old 
Her sun has set 

Her tale is told ! 

[Goes up stage and mounts parapet overhanging the river. 
She is about to throw herself off, when ULTKICE, who 
has been struggling with her better feelings, relents. 

Ult. Hold ! Stay thy hand ! Teresa, come to me ; 
My soul is softened and my heart is stirred ! 
Come to me quickly I have wronged thee. 
Pardon, Teresa, I have greatly erred ! 

Ter. Ultrice ! \_Slie rushes to her arms. 

Ult. Take heart, take heart, for thou shalt righted be ; 
Live for thy love shall be restored to thee ! 
Come hither, all ! 

Enter all the characters from different entrances PIETRO in 

great agony. 

Chorus. Now, what is this, and what is that ? 

We wish to go to yonder valley. 
What do you want V what are you at ? 
Explain your conduct generally ! 

Ult. Proud of my new-born rank 

Which raised me from my clan, 
From yonder mountebank 
I stole the talisman ! 

[She produces it. PIETRO clutches at it. 

All. Ah, false one ! 

From yonder mountebank 

She stole the talisman ! [Exit ULTRICE. 

Pie. Another minute and my fate were sealed ! 

A light quick quick ! my fortune for a light ! 

[A light is given to him he burns the parchment, 
The parchment burns my tortures slowly yield 
'Tis gone ! and with it our distorted plight ! 

[Gong all change to their original characters: the 
Monks becoming brigands, MIXESTRA becoming a 
young woman, ALFREDO and ULTRICE 'becoming 
peasants, BARTOLO and NITA are restored to 
humanity, and PJETRO recovers his health. ALFREDO 
embraces TERESA. 



THE MOUNTEBANKS. 403 

CHORUS. 
Hurrah ! 

The spell's removed, 
Hurrah ! 

The -; V ! loved, 

(girls they) 

Hurrah ! 



Hurrah ! 

With might and main, 
Hurrah ! 

.I/-/-. The Duke and the Duchess, when they travel through the 

land, 

How the pair they will stare, with their high jerry ho ! 
They will yet fall a prey to the valour of our band, 
For we shall not be happy till we get them ; 
With our high jerry ho ! 

And our canticle pedantical, 
And our mystic, though artistic, 
Jerry high, jerry ho ! 

. III. With their high jerry ho ! etc. 

Pie., Z*ar., ) The Duke and the Duchess, had they travelled through 
Si. j our land, 

With their cries of surprise and their high jerry ho ! 
They'd have seen many things that they wouldn't under- 
stand ; 

Not the least is our show, you may bet them 
With our high jerry ho ! 

And our clickings and our tickings 
Our emphatic automatic 
Jerry high, jerry ho ! 

All. With their high jerry ho ! etc. 

Alt', and} The Duke and the Duchess, if they travel through our 
Ter. j land, 

As they may, any day, with their high jerry ho ! 
They will find that we're linked, heart in heart, hand in 

hand, 

And a loving example we'll set them, 
With our high jerry ho ! 

And our notion of devotion, 
And our gentle sentimental 
Jerry high, jerry ho ! 

All. With their high jerry ho ! 



CURTAIN. 



UTOPIA, LIMITED; 

OR, 

THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 

AN ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA, 
IN TWO ACTS. 



First performed at the Savoy Theatre, London, -under the management 
C/MR. D'OvLY CAKTE, on Saturday, October jth, 1893. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

KING PARAMOUNT THE FIRST, King 
of Utopia Mil. RUTLAND BARRIXGTON. 

SCAPHIO \ Judges of the Utopian ( MR. W. H. DENNY. 

PHANTIS / Supreme Court \ MR. JOHN LE HAY. 

TARARA, the Public Exploder MR. WALTER PASSMORE. 

CALYNX, the Utopian Vice-Chamber- 
lain MR. BOWDEN HASWELL. 

IMPORTED FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 

LORD DRAMALEIGH, a British Lord 

Chamberlain MR. SCOTT RUSSELL. 

CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE, First Life 

Guards MR. CHARLES KEXXIXGHAM. 

CAPTAIN SIR EDWARD CORCORAN, 

K.C.B., of the Royal Navy MR. LAWRENCE GRIDLEY. 

MR. GOLDBURY, a Company Promoter 

afterwards Comptroller of the 

Utopian Household MR. SCOTT FISIIE. 

SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P. ... MR. ENES BLACKMORE. 
MR. BLUSHINGTON, of the County 

Council ... ... MR. HERBERT RALLAND. 

THE PRINCESS ZARA, Eldest Daughter 

of King Paramount ... Miss NANCY Mclxiosn. 

THE PRINCESS NEKAYA \hcr Younger ( Miss EMMIE OWEX. 
THE PRINCESS KALYBA / Sisters. \ Miss FLORENCE PERRY. 
THE LADY SOPHY, their English 

Gouvernante Miss ROSINA BRAXDRAM. 

SALATA j ( Miss EDITH JOHNSTON. 

MELENE / Utopian Maidens < Miss MAY BELL. 

PHYLLA J ( Miss FLORENCE EASTON. 

ACT I. 
A UTOPIAN PALM GROVE. 

ACT II. 
THRONE ROOM IN KING PARAMOUNT'S PALACE, 



UTOPIA, LIMITED; 

OR, 

THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 



SCENE. A Utopian Palm Grove in the gardens of KING PARA- 
MOUNT'S Palace, showing a picturesqiie and luxuriant 
Tropical landscape, with the sea in the distance. SALATA, 
MELENE, PHYLLA, and other Maidens discovered, lying 
lazily about the stage and thoroughly enjoying themselves 
in lotus- eating fash ion . 

OPENING CHORUS. 
In lazy languor motionless, 
We lie and dream of nothingness ; 
For visions come 
From Poppydom 

Direct at our command : 
Or, delicate alternative, 
In open idleness we live, 
With lyre and lute 
And silver flute, 

The life of Lazyland ! 

SOLO. PHYLLA. 
The song of birds 

In ivied towers ; 

The rippling play 
Of waterway ; 
The lowing herds ; 

The breath of flowers ; 
The languid loves 
Of turtle doves 
These simple joys are all at hand 
Upon thy shores, O Lazyland ! 

CHORUS. 
Ip lazy languor, etc. 



4 o8 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 



Enter CALYNX. 

Gal. Good news ! Great news ! His Majesty's eldest 
daughter, Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since 
to go to England the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest 
country in the world has taken a high degree at Girton, and 
is on her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery 
over all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious 
country to her present pre-eminent position among civilized 
nations ! 

Sal. Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be com- 
pletely Anglicized ? 

Cal. Absolutely and without a doubt. 

Mel. (lazily}. We are very well as we are. Life without a 
care every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch, 
who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to make 
his people happy what have we to gain by the great change 
that is in store for us ? 

Sal. What have we to gain ? English institutions, English 
tastes, and oh, English fashions ! 

Gal. England has made herself what she is because, in that 
favoured land, every one has to think for himself. Here we 
have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our 
wants, and our political opinions are formed for us by the 
journals to which we subscribe. Oh, think how much more 
brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been accus- 
tomed to exercise our reflective powers ! They say that in 
England the conversation of the very meanest is a coruscation 
of impromptu epigram ! 

Enter TARARA in a great rage. 

Tar. Lalabalele talala ! Callabale lalabalica falahle ! 

Cal. {horrified}. Stop stop, I beg ! 

[All the ladies close their ears. 

Tar. Callarnalala galalate ! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo ! 

Ladies. Oh, stop him ! stop him ! 

Cal. My Lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware 
that His Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the 
emphatic wish of his people, has ordered that the Utopian 
language shall be banished from his court, and that all com- 
munications shall henceforward be made in the English tongue. 

Tar. Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although (Suddenly 

presenting an explosive " cracker".} Stop allow me. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 409 

Cal. (pulls if). Now, what's that for? 

Tar. Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder 
to His Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must 
accustom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my 
duties. Thank you. I was about to say that although, as 
Public Exploder, I am next in succession to the throne, I 
nevertheless do my best to fall in with the royal decree. But 
when I am over-mastered by an indignant sense of over- 
whelming wrong, as I am now, I slip into my native tongue 
without knowing it. I am told that in the language of that 
great and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, conse- 
quently when I want to let off steam I have no alternative but 
to say, " Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo ! " 
Cal. But what is your grievance ? 

Tar. This by our Constitution we are governed by a 
Despot who, although in theory, absolute is, in practice, 
nothing of the kind being watched day and night by two 
Wise Men whose duty it is, on his very first lapse from political 
or social propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, 
and it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with 
dynamite allow me. (Presenting a cracker, which CALYNX 
pulls.} Thank you and, as some compensation to my wounded 
feelings, I reign in his stead. 

Cal. Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction 
of an ideal Eepublic, it was found that what may be described 
as a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, 
the most satisfactory description of ruler an autocrat who 
dares not abuse his autocratic power. 

Tar. That's the theory but in practice, how does it act ? 
Now, do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper f 

[Producing a "'Society" Paper. 
Cal. Never even heard of the journal. 

Tar. I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents always 
buy up the whole edition ; but I have an aunt in the publishing 
department, and she has supplied me with a copy. Well, it 
actually teems with circumstantially convincing details of the 
King's abominable immoralities ! If this high-class journal 
may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian 
profligates that ever disgraced an autocratic throne ! And do 
these Wise Men denounce him to me ? Not a bit of it ! They 
wink at his immoralities! Under the circumstances I really 
think I am justified in exclaiming, "Lalabalele molola lililah 
kalabalele poo!" {All horrified.) I don't care the occasion 
demands it. [Exit TARARA. 



410 UTOPIA, LIMITED: OR, 

MARCH. Enter Guard, escorting SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. 

CHORUS. 
Oh, make way for the Wise Men ! 

They are prizemen 
Double-first in the world's university ! 
For though lovely this island, 
(Which is my land,) 

She has no one to match them in her city. 
They're the pride of Utopia 

Cornucopia 

Is each in his mental fertility. 
Ob, they never make blunder, 

And no wonder, 
For they're triumphs of infallibility. 

DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS. 
In every mental lore, 

(The statement smacks of vanity), 
We claim to rank before 

The wisest of humanity. 
As gifts of head and heart 

We wasted on "utility," 
We're " cast " to play a part 

Of great responsibility. 

Our duty is to spy 

Upon our King's illicities, 
And keep a watchful eye 

On all his eccentricities. 
If ever a trick he tries 

That savours of rascality, 
At our decree he dies 

Without the least formality. 

We fear no rude rebuff, 
Or newspaper publicity ; 

Our word is quite enough, 
The rest is electricity. 

A pound of dynamite 

Explodes in his auriculars ; 

It's not a pleasant sight- 
Well spare you the particulars. 

It's force all men confess, 

The King needs no admonishing 
We may say its success 

Is something quite astonishing. 
Our despot it imbues 

With virtues quite delectable : 
He minds his P's and Q's, 

And keeps himself respectable. 

Of a tyrant polite 
He's a paragon quite. 
Pie's as modest and mild 
In his ways as a child ; 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS, 411 

And no one ever met 
With an autocrat, yet, 
So delightfully bland 
To the least in the land ! 

So make way for the wise men, etc. 

[Exeunt all but SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. PIIAXTIS is 
pensive. 

Sea. Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant 
spirits. What is wrong ? 

Phan. Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have 
never loved ? 

Sea. Never ! I have often marvelled at the fairy influence 
which weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest 
and wisest of our race ; but I thank Heaven I have never been 
subjected to its singular fascination. For, oh, Phantis! there is 
that within me that tells me that when my time does come, 
the convulsion will be tremendous! When I love, it will be 
with the accumulated fervour of sixty-six years ! But I have 
an ideal a semi-transparent Being filled with an inorganic 
pink jelly and I have never yet seen the woman who ap- 
proaches within measurable distance of it. All are opaque- 
opaque opaque ! 

Phan. Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not until 
you find her. Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner 
in the battle-fields of Love ; and, believe me, it is better to be 
as you are, heart-free and happy, than as I am eternally 
racked with doubting agonies! Scaphio, the Princess Zara 
returns from England to-day ! 

Sea. My poor boy, I see it all ! 

Phan. Oh ! Scaphio, she is so beautiful. Ah ! you smile, for 
you have never seen her. She sailed for England three months 
before you took office. 

Sea. Now, tell me, is your affection requited? 

Phan. I do not know I am not sure. Sometimes I think 
it is, and then come these torturing doubts ! I feel sure that 
she does not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could 
never look at me without having to go to bed with a sick 
headache. 

Sea. That is surely something. Come, take heart, boy ! you 
are young and beautiful. What more could maiden want ? 

Phan. Ah ! Scaphio, remember she returns from a land where 
every youth is as a young Greek god, and where such poor 
beauty as I can boast is seen at every turn. 

Sea. Be of good cheer ! Marry her, boy, if so your fancy 
wills, and be sure that love will come. 



412 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Phan. (overjoyed). Then you will assist me in this? 

Sea. Why, surely ! Silly one, what have you to fear ? We 
have but to say the word, and her father must consent. Is he 
not our very slave ? Come, take heart. I cannot bear to sec 
you sad. 

Phan. Now I may hope, indeed ! Scaphio, you have placed 
me on the very pinnacle of human joy ! 

DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS. 

Sea. Let all your doubts take wing 

Our influence is great. 
If Paramount our King 
Presume to hesitate, 
Put on the screw, 

And caution him 
That he will rue 

Disaster grim 
That must ensue 

To life and limb, 
Should he pooh-pooh 
This harmless whim. 

Both. This harmless whim this harmless whim. 

It is, as \ !- say, a harmless whim. 

Phan. (dancing] . Observe this dance' 

Which I employ 
When I, by chance, 

Go mad with joy. 
What sentiment 

Does this express ? 

[PHANTIS continues his dance while SCAPHIO vainly 
endeavours to discover its meaning. 

Supreme content 
And happiness 

Botlt. And happiness and happiness 

Of course it does and happiness ! 
Phan. Your friendly aid conferred, 

I need no longer pine. 
I've but to speak the word. 

And lo ! the maid is mine ! 
I do not choose 

To be denied. 
Or wish to lose 

A lovely bride 
If to refuse 

The King decide, 
The Royal shoes 

Then woe betide;! 

Both. Then woe betide then woe betide 

The Royal shoes then woe betide ! 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 413 

Sea. (dancing'). This step to use 

I condescend 
Whene'er I chose 

To serve a friend. 
What it implies 

Now try to guess ; 

[SCAPHIO continues his dance while PHANTIS ?'.<? vainly 
endeavouring to discover its meaning. 

It typifies 

Unselfishness ! 

P-oth (dancing). Unselfishness ! Unselfishness ! 
Of course it does unselfishness ! 
This step to use 
We condescend ! etc. 

[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHAXTIS. 

MARCH. Enter KING PARAMOUNT, attended ~by Guards and 
Xobles, and preceded by Girls dancing before him. 

CHORUS. 

Quaff the nectar cull the roses- 
Gather fruit and flowers in plenty ! 

For our King no longer poses- 
Sing the songs of far niente ! 

Wake the lute that sets us lilting, 
Dance a welcome to each comer : 

Day by day our year is wilting 

Sing the sunny songs of summer ! 
La, la, la, la ! 

SONG. KING. 
A King of autocratic power we 

A despot whose tyrannic will is law 
Whose rule is paramount o'er land and pea, 

A Presence of unutterable awe ! 
But though the awe that I inspire 
Must shrivel with imperial fire 

All foes whom it may chance to touch, 
To judge by what I see and hear, 
It does not seem to interfere 

With popular enjoyment, much. 
Chorus. No, no it does not interfere 

With our enjoyment much. 

RECITATIVE. KING. 

Mj" subjects all, it is your wish emphatic 
That all Utopia shall henceforth be modelled 
Upon that glorious country called Great Britain 
To which some add but others do not Ireland. 

All. It is ! 

King. That being so, as you insist upon it, 

We have arranged that our two younger daughters 
Who have been " finished " by an English Lady 



4 I4 V TO PI A, LIMITED; OR, 

( Tenderly.} A grave, and good, and gracious English Lady 
Shall daily be exhibited in public, 
That all may learn what, from the English stand-point, 
Is looked upon as maidenly perfection ! 
Come hither, daughters ! 

Enter NEK AY A and KALYBA. They are twins, about fifteen 
years old ; they are very modest and demure in their ap- 
pearance, dress, and manner. They stand with their hands 
folded and their eyes cast down. 

CHORUS. 

How fair ! how modest ! how discreet 
How bashfully demure ! 

See how they blush, as they've been taught, 
At this publicity unsought ! 
How English and how pure ! 

DUET. NEKAYA AND KALYBA. 

Both Although of native maids the cream, 

We're brought up on the English scheme 
The best of all 
For great and small 

Who modesty adore. 

Nek, For English girls are good as gold, 

Extremely modest (so we're told), 
Demurely coy divinely cold 
Kal. And we are that and more. 

To please papa, who argues thus 
All girls should mould themselves on us 
Because we are, 
By furlongs far 

The best of all the bunch, 
We show ourselves to loud applause 
From ten to four without a pause 
Nek. Which is an awkward time because 

It cuts into our lunch. 

Both. Oh, maids of high and low degree, 

Whose social code is rather free, 
Please look at us and you will see 
What good young ladies ought to be ! 

Nek. And as we stand, like clockwork toys, 

A lecturer whom papa employs 
Proceeds to praise 
Our modest ways 

And guileless character 
Kal. Our well-known blush our downcast eyes 

Our famous look of mild surprise 
Nek. (Which competition still defies) 

Hal. Our celebrated " Sir ! ! ! " 

Then all the crowd take down our looks 
In pocket memorandum books. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 415 

To diagnose 
Our modest pose 

The Kodaks do their best : 
Nek. If evidence you would possess 

Of what is maiden bashfulness, 
You only need a button press 
Kal. And we do all the rest 

Enter LADY SOPHY an English lady of mature years and 
extreme gravity of demeanour and dress. She carries a 
lecturer's wand in her hand. She is led on ly the KING, 
who expresses great regard and admiration for her. 

RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY. 
This morning we propose to illustrate 
A course of maiden courtship, from the start 
To the triumphant matrimonial finish. 

[Through the following song the two Princesses illustrate 
in gesture the description given l)y LADY SOPHY. 

SOXG. LADY SOPHY. 

Bold-faced ranger 

(Perfect stranger) 
Meets two well-behaved young ladies. 

He's attractive, 

Young and active 
Each a little bit afraid is. 

Youth advances, 

At his glances 
To their danger they awaken ; 

They repel him 

As they tell him 
He is very much mistaken. 
Though they speak to him politely, 
Please observe they're sneering slightly, 
Just to show he's acting vainly. 
This is Virtue saying plainly, 

" Go away, young bachelor, 

We are not what you take us for ! " 
When addressed impertinently, 
English ladies answer gently, 

"Go away, young bachelor, 

We are not what you take us for ! 

As he gazes, 

Hat lie raises, 
Enters into conversation. 

Makes excuses 

This produces 
Interesting agitation. 

He, with daring, 

Undespairing, 
Gives his card his rank discloses 



4i<5 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Little heeding 
This proceeding, 
They turn up their little noses. 

Pray observe this lesson vital 
When a man of rank and title 
His position first discloses, 

Always cock your little noses. 

When at home, let all the class 

Try this in the looking-glass. 
English girls of well-bred notions, 
Shun all unrehearsed emotions, 

English girls of highest class 

Practise "them before the glass. 

His intentions 

Then he mentions 
Something definite to go on 

Makes recitals 

Of his titles, 
Hints at sentiments, and so on. 

Smiling sweetly, 

They, discreetly. 
Ask for further evidences : 

Thus invited, 

He, delighted, 
Gives the usual references. 
This is business. Each is fluttered 
When the offer's fairly uttered. 
"Which of them has his affection ? " 
He declines to make selection. 

Do they quarrel for his dross? 

Not a bit of it they toss ! 
Please observe this cogent moral- 
English ladies never quarrel. 

When a doubt they come across, 

English ladies always toss. 

RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY. 
The lecture's ended. In ten minutes' space 
'Twill be repeated in the market-place ! 

[Exit LADY SOPHY, followed ly NEKAYA and KALYBA. 

CHORUS. 

Quaff the nectar cull the roses- 
Bashful girls will soon be plenty ! 

Maid who thus at fifteen poses 
Ought to be divine at twenty ! 

[Exit Chorus. Manet KING. 

King. I requested Scapliio and Phantis to be so good as to 
favour me with an audience this morning. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 417 

Enter SCAPHIO and PHAXTIS. 

Oh, here they arc ! 

Sea. Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe. You 
you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know. 

King. I beg your pardon, (fiemoves it.) I always forget 
that ! Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear 
one of his own crowns in the presence of two of his own 
subjects. 

Phan. Yes bizarre, is it not ? 
King. Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world. 
Phan. Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thing 
it is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humour! 

King. Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, I 
cannot help looking at the humorous side of things for, properly 
considered, everything has its humorous side even the Palace. 
Peeper. (Producing it.} See here " Another Royal Scandal," 
by Junius Junior. " How long is this to last ? " by Senex 
Senior. " Eibald Royalty," by Mercury Major. "Where is the 
Public Exploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor. When I reflect 
that all these outrageous attacks on my morality are written by 
me, at your command well, it's one of the funniest things that 
have come within the scope of my experience. 

Sea. Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humour of 
their own which is simply irresistible. 

King, (gratified). Not bad, I think. Biting, trenchant sar- 
casm the rapier, not the bludgeon that's my line. But then 
it's so easy I'm such a good subject a bad King but a good 
Subject ha! ha! a capital heading for next week's leading 
article ! (Makes a note.} And then the stinging little paragraphs 
about our Royal goings-on with our Ptoyal Second Housemaid 
delicately sub-acid, are they not ? 

Sea. My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold a 
candle to you. 

Phan. But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've 
written for us " King Tuppence ; or, A Good Deal Less than 
Half a Sovereign " -in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr. 
Wilkinson, burlesques your personal appearance and gives gro- 
tesque imitations of your Royal pecularities. It's immense ! 

King. Ye es. That's what I wanted to speak to you about. 
Now, I've not the least doubt but that even that has its humorous 
side, too if one could only see it. As a rule, I'm pretty quick 
at detecting latent humour but I confess I do not quite see 
where it comes in, in this particular instance. It's so horribly 
personal ! 

III. 2 E 



418 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Sea. Personal? Yes, of course it's personal but consider the 
antithetical humour of the situation. 

King. Yes. I I don't think I've quite grasped that. 

Sea. No? You surprise me. Why, consider. During the day 
thousands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to 
11) thousands roar at it. During the day your most arbitrary 
pronouncements are received by your subjects with abject sub- 
mission during the night, they shout with joy at your most 
terrible decrees. It's not every monarch that enjoys the privi- 
lege of undoing by night all the despotic absurdities he's com- 
mitted during the day. 

King. Of course ! Now I see it! Thank you very much. I 
was sure it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me 
not to have seen it before. But, as I said just now, it's a quaint 
world. 

Plian. Teems with quiet fun. 

King. Yes. Properly considered, what a farce life is, to be sure 

SONG. KING. 

First you're born and I'll be bound you 
Find a dozen strangers round you. 
" Hallo," cries the new-born baby, 
" Where's my parents ? which may they be ? " 

Awkward silence no reply 

Puzzled baby wonders why ! 
Father rises, bows politely 
Mother smiles, but not too brightly) 
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing- 
Nurse is busy mixing something 

Every symptom tends to show 

You're decidedly de trop 

Al.'. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! 

Time's teetotum, 

If you spin it, 
Gives it's quotum 

Once a minute. 
I'll go bail 
You hit the nail, 
And if you fail 

The deuce is in it ! 

You grow up, and you discover 
What it is to be a lover. 
Some young lady is selected 
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected 

Whom you hail (for Love is blind) 

As the Queen of fairy kind. 
Though she's plain perhaps unsightly, 
Makes her face up laces tightly, 
In her form your fancy traces 
All the gifts of all the graces. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 419 

Rivals none the maiden woo, 

So you take her and she takes you ! 

All. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! 

Joke beginning, 

Never ceases, 
Till your inning . 

time releases, 
On your way 
You blindly stray, 
And day by day 

The joke increases ! 

Ten years later Time progresses 
Sours your temper thins your tresses ; 
Fancy, then, her chain relaxes ; 
Rates are facts and so are taxes. 

Fairy Queen's no longer young- 
Fairy Queen has got a tongue. 
Twins have probably intruded 
Quite unbidden just as you did 
They're a source of care and trouble- 
Just as you were only double. 
Comes at last the final stroke- 
Time has had his little joke ! 

All. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! 

Daily driven 

(Wife as drover) 
111 you've thriven 

Ne'er in clover : 
Lastly, when 
Three-score and ten 
(And not till then), 

The joke is over ! 

Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! 
Then and then 

The joke is over ! 

[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. Manet KING. 
King, {putting on his crown again). It's all very well. I 
always like to look on the humorous side of things ; but I do 
not think I ought to be required to write libels on my own 
moral character. Naturally, I see the joke of it anybody 
would but Zara's coming home to-day ; she's no longer a 
child, and I confess I should not like her to see my Opera 
though it's uncommonly well written ; and I should be sorry if 
the Palace Peeper got into her hands though it's certainly 
smart very smart indeed. It is almost a pity that I have to 
buy up the whole edition, because it's really too good to be lost. 
And Lady Sophy that blameless type of perfect womanhood ! 
Great heavens, what would she say if the Second Housemaid 
business happened to meet her pure blue eye ! 



420 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Enter LADY SOPHY. 

Lady S. My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw. 
(Going.) 

Xing. No pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances, 
and you won't guess whom I was thinking of. 

Lady S. Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah ! King, it's an old, 
old story, and I'm well nigh weary of it ! Be warned in time 
from my heart I pity 3'ou, but I am not for you ! (Going.) 

King. But hear what I have to say. 

Lady S. It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and 
adventurous career in the principal European Courts, it has 
been revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and 
supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So irresistible 
is this singular property, that there is not a European Monarch 
who has not implored me, with tears in his eyes, to quit his 
kingdom, and take my fatal charms elsewhere. As time was 
getting on it occurred to me that by descending several pegs 
in the scale of Eespectability I might qualify your Majesty for 
my hand. Actuated by this humane motive and happening 
to possess Eespectability enough for Six, I consented to confer 
Eespectability enough for Four upon your two younger daughters 
but although I have, alas, only Eespectability enough for 
Two left, there is still, as I gather from the public press of 
this country (producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable 
balance in my favour. 

King (aside). Da ! (Aloud.) May I ask how you came 

by this ? 

Lady S. It was handed to me by the officer who holds the 
position of Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty. 

King. And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust 
as to place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the Society 
press ! 

Lady S. (referring to paper). 1 read on the authority of 
Senox .Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your 
Second Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli 
Gardens. That is untrue ? 

King. Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg. 

Lady S. (suspiciously). How do you know that ? 

King. Common report, I give you my honour. 

Lady S. It may be so. 1 further read and the statement is 

vouched for by no less an authority than Mephistopheles Minor 

that your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every 

morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge of 

displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of the 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 421 

royal dressing-room when I ask if there is any foundation for 
this statement ? 

King. None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits 
rum-punch it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our 
bath, our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning. 

Lady S. (shocked). Oh, pray pray spare me these unseemly 
details. Well, you are a Despot have you taken steps to slay 
this scribbler ? 

King. Well, no I have not gone so far as that. After all, 
it's the poor devils living, you know. 

Lady S. It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. If 
this man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is suf- 
ficiently terrible for him. 

King. That's precisely it. I I am waiting until a punish- 
ment is discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the 
ease. I am in constant communication with the Mikado of 
Japan, who is a leading authority on such points ; and more- 
over, I have the ground plans and sectional elevations of several 
capital punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady 
Sophy, as you are powerful, be merciful ! 

DUET. KING AND LADY SOPHY. 

King. Subjected to your heavenly gaze 

(Poetical phrase) 
My brain is turned completely. 
Observe me now, 
No Monarch, I, vow, 

Was ever so far afflicted? 

Lady S. I'm pleased with that poetical phrase, 

" A heavenly gaze," 
ISut though you put it neatly, 
Say what you will, 
These paragraphs still 

Remain uncontradicted. 
Come, crush me this contemptible worm 

(A forcible term), 
If he's assailed you wrongly. 
The rage display, 
Which, as you say, 

Has moved your Majesty lately. 
Kinfi. Though I admit that forcible term, 

" Contemptible worm," 
Appeals to me most strongly, 
To treat this pest 
As you suggest 

'Would pain my Majesty greatly. 
Lady <&'. This writer lies ! 

King. Yes, bother his eyes ! 

Lady S. He lives, you say ? 

King. In a sort of way. 



422 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Lady S. Then have him shot. 

King. Decidedly not. 

Lady S. Or crush him flat. 

King. I cannot do that. 

Both. O royal Rex, 



TT 'f blameless sex. 

Abhors such conduct shady. 

V ") 

j U I plead in vain, 

j 11 f never will gain 

Respectable English lady ! 

[Dance of repudiation by LADY SOPHY. Exit, followed 
by KING. 

March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the 
PRINCESS ZARA, who enters, escorted by CAPTAIN FITZ- 
BATTLEAXE and four Troopers, all in the full uniform of 
the First Life Guards. 

CHORUS. 

Oh, maiden, rich 

In Girton lore, 
That wisdom which 

We prized before, 
We do confess 
Is nothingness, 
And rather less, 

Perhaps, than more. 
On each of us 

Thy learning shed. 
On calculus 

May we be fed. 
And teach us, please, 
To speak with ease 
All languages, 

Alive and dead ! 

SOLO. PRINCESS AND CHORUS. 

Zctra. Five years have flown since I took wing 

Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards 
I'm the eldest daughter of your king. 
Troopers. And we are her escort First Life Guards ! 

On the royal yacht, 

When the waves were white, 
In a helmet hot 

And a tunic tight, 
And our great big boots, 
We defied the storm : 
For we're not recruits, 
And his uniform 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 423 

A well-drilled trooper ne'er discards 
And we are her escort First Life Guards ! 

Zara. These gentlemen I present to you, 

The pride and boast of their barrack-yards ; 
They've taken, oh, such care of me ! 
Troopers. " For we are her escort First Life Guards ! 
When the tempest rose, 

And the ship went so 
Do you suppose 

We were ill ? No, no ! 
Though a qualmish lot 

In a tunic tight, 
And a helmet hot, 

And a breastplate bright 
(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards), 
We stood as her escort First Life Guards ! 

FULL CHORUS. 

Knightsbridge nursemaids serving fairies 

Stars of proud Belgravian airies ; 

At stern duty's call you leave them, 

Though you know how that must grieve them ! 
Za.ro,. Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 

Capt. Fltz. Trumpet-call of Princess Zara ! 
C/torus. That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards 

They are her escort First Life Guards ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

CHORUS. PRINCESS ZARA AND FITZBATTI.K- 

Ladies. Knightsbridge nursemaids, AXE (aside). 

etc. Oh ! the hours are gold, 

Men. When soldier seeks, etc. And the joys untold, 

When my eyes behold 

My beloved Princess ; 
And the years will seem 
But a brief day-dream, 
In the joy extreme 

Of our happiness ! 
Full Chorus. Knightsbridge nursemaids serving fairies, etc. 

Enter KING, PRINCESSES NEKAYA and KALYBA, and LADY 
SOPHY. As the KING enters the escort present arms. 

King. Zara ! my beloved daughter ! Why, how well you 
look, and how lovely you have grown ! (Embraces her.) 

Zara. My dear father ! (Embracing him.) And my two 
beautiful little sisters ! (Embracing them.) 

Nek. Not beautiful. 

Kal. Nice looking. 

Zara. But first let me present to you the English warrior 
who commands my escort, and who has taken, oh ! such care of 
me during the voyage Captain Fitzbattleaxe ! 



424 UTOPIA LIMITED; OR, 

Troopers. The First Life Guards. 

When the tempest rose, 
And the ship went so 

[CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE motions them to be silent. The 
Troopers place themselves in the four corners of the 
stage, standing at ease, immovably, as if on sentry. 
Each is surrounded by an admiring group of young 
Ladies, of whom they take no notice. 

King (to CAPT. FITZ.). Sir, you come from a country where 
every virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize 
too severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our semi- 
barbarous society. 

Fitz. (looking at ZAKA). Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the 
blameless and the beautiful. 

King. We thank you he is really very polite ! (LADY 
SOPHY, who has been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid 
to the Lifeguardsmen by the young Ladies, marches the PRINCESSES 
NEKAYA and KALYBA towards an exit.} Lady Sophy, do not 
leave us. 

Lady S. Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent. 
If they are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at once 
removed from the contamination of their present disgraceful 
surroundings. (She marches them off.) 

King (ivliose attention has thus been called to the proceedings 
of the young Ladies aside}. Dear, dear ! They really shouldn't. 
(Aloud.) Captain Fitzbattleaxe. 
' Fitz. Sir. ' 

King. Your troopers appear to be receiving a troublesome 
amount of attention from those young ladies. I know how 
strict you English soldiers are, and I should be extremely 
distressed if any thing occurred to shock their puritanical British 
sensitiveness. 

Fitz. Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that. 

King. You think not ? They won't be offended ? 

Fitz. Oh no ! They are quite hardened to it. They get a 
good deal of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse 
Guards. 

King. It's English, is it ? 

Fitz. It's particularly English. 

King. Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies, 
it's particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have 
much to say to each other. 

Zara. Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe ! I cannot thank you 
too emphatically for the devoted care with which you have 
watched over me during our long and eventful voyage, 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 425 

DUET. ZAKA AND CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE. 

Ah ! gallant soldier, brave and true 

In tented field and tourney, 
I grieve to have occasioned you 

So very long a journey. 
A British soldier gives up all 

His home and island beauty 
"\Yhen summoned by the trumpet-call 

Of Regimental duty ! 
All. Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 

Trumpet-call of Princess Zara ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

MEN. FITZBATTLEAXE AND ZAHA (aside). 

A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh, my joy, my pride, 

My delight to hide, 

LADIES. L e t us sing, aside, 

Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. What in truth we feel. 

Let us whisper low 
Of our love's glad glow, 
Lest the truth we show 

We would fain conceal. 

J-'itz. Such escort duty, as his due, 

To young Lifeguardsmau falling 
Completely reconciles him to 

His uneventful calling. 
When soldier seeks Utopian glades 

In charge of Youth and Beauty, 
Then pleasure merely masquerades 

As Regimental Duty ! 
All. Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 

Trumpet-call of Princess Zara ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

CHORUS. FITZBATTLEAXE AND ZAHA (aside). 

MEX. Oh, the hours are gold, 

A British warrior, etc. And the joys untold, 

When my eyes behold 

\\ OMEN. ]\Iy beloved Princess ; 

Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. And the year will seem 

But a brief day-dream, 
In the joy extreme 
Of our happiness ! 

[Exeunt KING and PRINCESS in one direction, Life- 
guardsmen and Crowd in opposite direction. 
Enter, at lack, SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, who watch the 
PRINCESS as she goes off. SCAPHIO is seated, shaking 
violently, and obviously under the influence of some strong 
emotion. 

Phan. There tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful '} Can 
you wonder that I love her so passionately ? 



426 UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, 

Sea. No. She is extraordinarily miraculously lovely 
Good heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl ! 

Phan. I knew you would say so ! 

Sea. What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising 
delicacy of gesture ! Why, she's a goddess ! a very goddess ! 

Phan. (rather taken aback}. Yes she's she's an attractive 
girl. 

Sea. Attractive ? Why, you must be blind ! She's entrancing 
enthralling ! intoxicating ! (Aside.) God bless my heart, 
what's the matter with me ? 

Phan. (alarmed). Yes. You you promised to help me to 
get her father's consent, you know. 

Sea. Promised ! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good 
boy ! It is she my ideal ! Why, what's this 1 (Staggering.) 
Phantis ! Stop me I'm going mad mad with the love of her ! 

Phan. Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectly 
opaque! Besides, remember each of us is helpless without 
the other. You can't succeed without my consent, you know. 

Sea. And you dare to threaten 1 Oh, ungrateful ! When you 
came to me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored my 
assistance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it ? And this is 
the return you make ? Out of my sight, ingrate ! (Aside.) 
Dear ! dear ! what is the matter with me ? 

Enter CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE and ZABA. 

Zara. Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete. 

Sea. (breathlessly). No, no. You come very appropriately. 
To be brief, we we love you this man and I madly 
passionately ! 

Zara. Sir! 

Sea. And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is 
to marry you. 

Fitz. Zara, this is very awkward. 

Sea. (very much overcome). I I am paralyzed by the singular 
radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am in- 
coherent. I never was like this before it shall not occur 
again. I shall be fluent presently. 

Zara (aside). Oh, dear Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be 
done ? 

Fitz. (aside). Leave'it to me I'll manage it. (Aloud.) It's a 
common situation. Why not settle it in the English fashion ? 

Both. The English fashion ? What is that ? 

Fitz. It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen 
are in love with the same lady, and until it is settled which 
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is provided, 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 427 

by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act, that the lady 
shall be entrusted to an officer of Household Cavalry as stake- 
holder, who is bound to hand her over to the survivor (on the 
Tontine principle) in a good condition of substantial and 
decorative repair. 

Sea. Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted? 

Fitz. Exactly. 

Pkan. Well, that seems very reasonable. (To SCAPHIO.) 
What do yon say Shall we entrust her to this officer of House- 
hold Cavalry ? It will give us time. 

Sea. (trembling violently). I I am not at present in a 
condition to think it out coolly but if he is an officer of 
Household Cavalry, and if the Princess consents 

Zara. Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative under the Rival 
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act ! 

Fitz. Good then that's settled. 

QUARTETTE. 
FiTZ B ATT LEAXE, ZARA, SCAPHIO, AND PHANTIS. 

Fitz. It's understood, I think, all round 

That, by the English custom bound, 
1 hold the lady safe and sound j 

In trust for either rival, 
Until you clearly testif y 
By sword or pistol, by-and-by, 
Which gentleman prefers to die, 

And which prefers survival. 

ENSEMBLE. 
SCA. AND PHAN. ZARA AND FITZ (aside). 

It's clearly understood, all round, We stand, I think, on safish 
That, by your English custom ground ; 

bound, Our senses weak it will astound 

He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found 

In trust for either rival, Pepared to meet his rival. 

Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy ; 

By sword and pistol, by-and-by, We won't be parted, you and I 

Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather shy 

And which prefers survival. They both prefer survival ! 

Pkan. If I should die and he should live, 

(aside to FITZ.). To you, without reserve, I give 

Her heart so young and sensitive, 

And all her predilections. 

Sea. If he should live and I should die, 

(aside to FITZ.). I see no kind of reason why 

You should not, if you wish it, try- 
To gain her young affections. 



428 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

ENSEMBLE. 

SCA. AND PIIAN. (angrily to each FITZ. AND ZARA (aside). 

other). As both of us are positive 

If I should die and 3-011 should That both of them intend to live, 

_ live, There's nothing in the case to 
To this young officer I give give, 

Her heart so soft and sensitive, Us cause for grave reflections. 

And all her predilections. As both will live and neither die 

If } T ou should live and I should I see no kind of reason why 

die, I should not, if I wish it, try 
I see no kind of reason wh} r To gain j-our young affe^- 

He should not, if he chooses try, tions ! 

To win her young affections. 

[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS together. 

DUET. ZARA AND FITZBATTLEAXE. 

ENSEMBLE. 
Oh, admirable art ! 

Oh, neatly-planned intention ! 
Oh, happj- intervention- 
Ob, well-constructed plot ! 
When sages try to part 

Two loving hearts in fusion, 
Their wisdom's a delusion, 

And learning serves them not ! 
Fit-. Until quite plain 

Is their intent, 
These sages twain 

I represent. 
Now please infer 

That, nothing loth, 
You're henceforth, as it were, 
Engaged to marry both- 
Then take it that I represent the two 
On that hypothesis, what would you do ? 
Zura (aside). What would I do? what would I do ? 
Znrtt. In such a case, 

Upon your breast, 
My blushing face 

I think I'd rest (Doing so.) 
Then perhaps I might 

Demurely say 
" I find this breastplate bright 

Is sorely in the way ! " 
That is, supposing it were true 
That I'm engaged to both and both were you ! 

ENSEMBLE. 

Our mortal race 

Is never blest 
There's no such case 

As perfect rest ; 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 429 

Some petty bligbt 

Asserts its sway ! 
Some crumpled roseleaf light 

Is always in the way ! 

[Exit FITZBATTLEAXE. Manet ZARA. 

Zara (looking off, in the direction in ivhich SCAPHIO and 
PHAXTIS have gone). Poor, trusting, simple-minded, and affec- 
tionate old gentlemen ! I'm really sorry for them ! How strange 
it is that when the flower of a man's youth has faded, he seems 
to lose all charm in a woman's eyes; and how true arc the 
words of my expurgated Juvenal 

"Festinat decurrere vclox 
Flosculus, anyustce, miserccque brcvissima vitce 
Portiol" 

Enter KING. 

King. My daughter ! At last we arc alone together. 

Zara. Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you 
very seriously. Do you know this paper? 

King {aside}. Da ! (Aloud.} Oh yes I've I've seen 

it. Where in the world did you get this from? 

Zara. It was given to me by Lady Sophy my sisters' 



governess. 



King (aside). Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes 
wish she'd mind her own business ! (Aloud.) It's ha ! ha ! 
it's rather humorous. 

Zara. I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, 
the despotic King of this country, are made the subject of the 
most scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these 
things? 

King. Well, they appeal to my sense of humour. It's the 
only really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without it 
for the world. 

Zara. If it had any literary merit I could understand it. 

King. Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it has 
literary merit. 

Zara. My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle. 

King. Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that. Un- 
pleasantly personal, perhaps, but written with an epigrarnrnatical 
point that is very rare nowadays very rare indeed. 

Zara (looking at cartoon). Why do they represent you with 
such a big nose ? 

King (looking at cartoon). Eh ? Yes, it is a big one ! Why, 
the fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size of 



430 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

your nose always varies inversely as the square of your popu- 
larity. It's the rule. 

Zara. Then you must be at a tremendous discount, just now ! 
I see a notice of a new piece called " King Tuppence," in which 
an English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a public 
stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any English 
tenor should lend himself to such degrading personalities. 

King. Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a 
Utopian, but he calls himself English. 

Zara. Calls himself English? 

King. Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor who 
didn't call himself English. 

Zara. And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you 
in a pointless burlesque ! My dear father if you were a free 
agent, you would never permit these outrages. 

King (almost in tears). Zara, I I admit I am not altogether 
a free agent. I I am controlled. I try to make the best of 
it, but sometimes I find it very difficult very difficult indeed. 
Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the helpless tool 
of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on my falling in with 
all their wishes and threaten to denounce me for immediate 
explosion if I remonstrate ! (Breaks down completely.} 

Zara. My poor father ! Now listen to me. With a view to 
remodelling the political and social institutions of Utopia, I 
have brought with me six representatives of the principal 
causes that have tended to make England the powerful, happy, 
and blameless country which the consensus of European civiliza- 
tion has declared it to be. Place yourself unreservedly in the 
hands of these gentlemen, and they will reorganize your country 
on a footing that will enable you to defy your persecutors. 
They are all now washing their hands after their journey. 
Shall I introduce them ? 

King. My dear Zara, how can I thank you ? I will consent 
to anything that will release me from the abominable tyranny 
of these two men. (Calling.} What ho ! Without there ! 

Enter CALYNX. 

Summon my court without an instant's delay ! 

[Exit CALYNX. 
FINALE. 

Enter Every one, except the Flowers of Progress. 

CHORUS. 

Although your Royal summons to appear 
From courtesy was singularly free, 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 431 

Obedient to that summons we are here 
What would your Majesty ? 

RECITATIVE. KING. 

My worth y people, my beloved daughter 

Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England 

The types of all the causes that have made 

That great and glorious country what it is. 

C/iorus, Oh, joy unbounded ! 

Sea., Tar., and Phan. (aside). Why, what does this mean ? 

RECITATIVE. ZARA. 

Attend to me, Utopian populace, 

Ye South Pacific Island viviparians ; 
All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace, 
Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race, 

But little better than half-clothed barbarians ! 

CHORUS. 

That's true we South Pacific viviparians, 

Contrasted when 

With Englishmen, 
Are little better than half-clothed barbarians ! 

Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led ~by FITZBATTLEAXE. 

SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE.) 
When Britain sounds the trump of war 

(And Europe trembles), 
The army of that conqueror 

In serried ranks assembles ; 
'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleam 

For our protection 
He represents a military scheme 

In all its proud perfection ! 

Fitz. Yes yes 

I represent a military scheme 

In all its proud perfection ! 

Chorus. Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! 

SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P.) 

A complicated gentleman allow me to present, 

Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment, 

He's a great Arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease 

That two and two are three, or five, or anything you please ; 

An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you 

That black is white when looked at from the proper point of view ; 

A marvellous Philologist who'll undertake to show 

That "yes" is but another and a neater form of "no." 



432 UTOPIA, LIMITED : OR, 

Sir Bailey. Yes yes yes 

Oh " yes " is but another and a neater form of " no." 

All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout, 

And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt, 

That whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thief 

Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief. 

Chorus. Yes yes yes 

That whether you're an honest man, etc. 
Ulahlica f Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! 

SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting LORD DKAJIALEIGH and County 

Councillor.) 

What these may be, Utopians all 

Perhaps you'll hardly guess 
They're types of England's physical 

And moral cleanliness. 
This is a Lord High Chamberlain 

Of purity the gauge 
He'll cleanse our Court from moral stain 

And purify our Stage. 

Lord Dram. Yes yes yes 

Court reputations I revise, 
And presentations scrutinize. 
New plays I read with jealous eyes, 
And purify the Stage. 

Chorus. Yes -yes yes 

Xew plays, etc. 

Znra. This County Councillor acclaim, 

Great Britain's latest toy- 
On anything you like, to name 

His talents he'll employ- 
All streets and squares he'll purify 

Within your city walls, 
And keep meanwhile a modest eye 

On wicked music halls. 

C. C. Yes yes yes 

In towns I make improvements great, 
Which go to swell the County Rate 
I dwelling-houses sanitate, 
And purify the Halls ! 

f. Yes yes yes 

He'll dwelling-houses, etc. 
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica! 

SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting MR. GOLDBUKY.) 

A Company Promoter this, with special education, 

Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation 

To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven, 

Time was when two were company but now it must be seven. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 433 

Mr. Gold. Yes yes yes-- 

Stupendous loans to foreign thrones 

I've largely advocated ; 
In ginger-pops and peppermint-drops 

I've freely speculated ; 
Then mines of gold, of wealth untold, 

Successfully I've floated, 
And sudden falls in apple-stalls 

Occasionally quoted : 
And soon or late I always call 

For Stock Exchange quotation 
No scheme's too great and none too small 

For Companification ! 

Chorus. Then soon or late, etc. 

Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! 



Zara. (Presenting CAPTAIN SIB EDWARD CORCORAN, E.N.) 

And lastly I present 

Great Britain's proudest boast, 

Who from the blows 

Of foreign foes 

Protects her sea-girt coast 

And if you ask him in respectful tone, 

He'll show you how you may protect your own ! 



SOLO. CAPTAIN CORCORAN. 

I'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B., 
I'll teach you how we rule the sea, 

And terrify the simple Gaul. 
And how the Saxon and the Celt 
Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt 
With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt 

(Or will, when the occasion calls), 
If sailor-like you'd play your cards 
Unbend your sails, and lower your yards, 

Unstep your masts you'll never want 'em more. 
Though we're no longer hearts of oak, 
Yet we can steer and we can stoke, 
And, thanks to coal, and thanks to coke, 

We never run a ship ashore ! 
All. What never? 

Capt. No, never ! 

All. What, never ? 

Cant. Hardly ever ! 

All. Hardly ever run a ship ashore ! 

Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, 
For the tar who never runs his ship ashore ; 
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more, 

For he never runs his ship ashore ! 
III. 2 F 



434 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

CHORUS. 

All hail, ye types of England's power- 

Ye heaven-enlightened band ! 
We bless the day, and bless the hour 

That brought you to our land. 

QUARTETTE. 

Ye wanderers from a mighty State 
Oh, teach us how to legislate 
Your lightest word will carry weight 

In our attentive ears. 
Oh, teach the natives of this land 
(Who are not quick to understand) 
How to work off their social and 
Political arrears ! 

Capt. Fitz. Increase your army ! 

Lord Dram. Purify your Court ! 

Capt. Cor. Get up your steam and cut your canvas short ! 

Sir B. Bar. To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains ! 

Mr. B., C.(J. Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains ! 

Mr. Gold. Utopia's much too big for one small head 
I'll float it as a Company Limited ! 

King. A Company Limited ? What may that be ? 

The term, I rather think, is new to me. 

Chorus. A Company Limited ? etc. 

Sea., Phan., and Tarara (aside}. 

What does he mean ? What does he mean ? 

Give us a kind of clue ! 
What does he mean ? What does he mean ? 

What is he going to do ? 

SOXG. MR. GOLDBURY. 

Some seven men form an Association 

(If possible, all Peers and Baronets), 
They start off with a public declaration 

To what extent they mean to pay their debts. 
That's called their Capital : if they are war}' 
They will not quote it at a sum immense. 
The figure's immaterial it may vary 

From eighteen million down to eighteenpence. 
/should put it rather low ; 
The good sense of doing so 
Will be evident at once to any debtor, 
When it's left to you to say 
What amount you mean to pay, 
Why, the lower you can put it at, the better, 

Chorus. When it's left to you to say, etc. 

They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em, 

Quite irrespective of their capital 
(It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom) ; 

Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 435 

You can't embark on trading too tremendous- 
It's strictly fair, and based on common sense 
If you succeed, your profits are stupendous 

And if you fail, pop goes your eightecnpence. 
Make the money-spinner spin ! 
For you only stand to win, 
And you'll never with dishonesty bo twitted. 
For nobody can know, 
To a million or so. 

To what extent your capital's committed ! 
Chorus. No, nobody can know, etc. 

If you come to grief, and creditors are craving, 

(For nothing that is planned by mortal head 
Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow saving 

That one's Liability is Limited), 
Do you suppose that signifies perdition ? 
If so you're but a monentary dunce 
You merely file a "\Vinding-up Petition, 
And start another Company at once ! 
Though a Rothschild you may be 
In your own capacity, 

As a Company you've come to utter sorrow 
But the Liquidators say, 
"Never mind you needn't pay," 
So you start another company to-morrow ! 

Chorus. But the Liquidators say, etc. 

RECITATIVE. 

Kiwj. Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest, 

But if it's good enough for virtuous England 
The first commercial country in the world- 
It's good enough for us. 

&rt. Phan., and Tarara. You'd best take care 
('t^iilc' to KING). Please recollect we. have not been consulted. 

Kin;/ And do I understand you that Great Britain 

(not heeding them). Upon this Joint Stock principle is governed ''. 

Mr. Gold. We haven't come to that, exactly but 

We're tending rapidly in that direction. 
The date's not distant. 

King (enthusiastically). We will be before you ! 

We'll go down to Posterity renowned 
As the First Sovereign in Christendom 
Who registered his Crown and Country under 
The Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two. 

All. Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! 

SOLO. KIXG. 
Henceforward, of a verity, 

With Fame ourselves we link 
We'll go down to Posterity 

Of sovereigns all the pink ! 



436 



UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 



Sea., Phan., and Tar. (aside to King). If you've the 

mad temerity 
Our wishes thus to blink, 
You'll go down to Posterity 

Much earlier than you think ! 

Tarara (correcting them). He'll go up to Posterity, 
If 7 inflict the blow ! 

Sea. and Phan. (angrily). He'll go down to Posterity. 
We think we ought to know ! 

Tarara (explaining). He'll go up to Posterity, 
Blown up with dynamite ! 

Sea. and Phan. (apologetically). He'll go up to Posterity ; 
Of course he will, you're right ! 



KING, LADY SOPHY, 
NEK., KAL., CAL., 
AND CHORUS. 

Henceforward of a 

verity 
With fame ourselves 

we link, 

And go down to Pos- 
terity 

Of sovereigns all the 
pink ! 



ENSEMBLE. 

SCA., PHAN., AND 
TARARA (aside). 



FlTZBATTLEAXE ANO 

ZARA (aside). 



If he has the temerity 
Our wishes thus to 

blink, 

He'll go up to Posterity 
Much earlier than 
they think ! 



Who love with all sin- 
cerity, 
Their lives may 

safely link ; 
And as for our Pos- 
terity 

We don't care what 
they think ! 

CHORUS. 

Let's seal this mercantile pact 

The step we ne'er shall rue 
It gives whatever we lacked 

The statement's strictly true. 
All hail, astonishing Fact ! 

All hail, Invention new 
The Joint Stock Company's Act 

The Act of Sixty-Two ! 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. Throne Room in the Palace. Night. FITZBATTLEAXE 

discovered, singing to ZARA. 

RECITATIVE. FITZ. 

Oh, Zara, my beloved one, bear with me ! 

Ah, do not laugh at my attempted C ! 

Repent not, mocking maid, thy girlhood's choice 

The fervour of my love affects my voice ! 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 437 

SONG. FITZ. 

A tenor, all singers above, 

(This doesn't admit of a question), 
Should keep himself quiet, 
Attend to his diet 
And caref ully nurse his digestion : 
But when he is madly in love 

It's certain to tell on his singing 
You can't do chromatics 
With proper emphatics 
When anguish your bosom is wringing ! 
When distracted with worries in plenty, 
And his pulse is a hundred and twenty, 
And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is, 
A tenor can't do himself justice. 

Now observe (sinys a high note], 
You see, I can't do myself justice ! 

I could sing, if my fervour were mock, 
It's easy enough if you're acting- 
But when one's emotion 
Is born of devotion 
You mustn't be over-exacting. 
One ought to be firm as a rock 

To venture a shake in vibrato, 
When fervour's expected 
Keep cool and collected 
Or never attempt agitato. 
But, of course, when his tongue is of leather, 
And his lips appear pasted together, 
And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is, 
A tenor can't do himself justice. 

Now observe (sings a cadence), 
It's no use I can't do myself justice ! 

Zara. Why, Arthur, what does it matter ? When the higher 
qualities of the heart are all that can be desired, the higher notes 
of the voice are matters of comparative insignificance. Who 
thinks slightingly of the cocoanut because it is husky? Besides 
(demurely) you are not singing for an engagement. (Putting 
her hand in his.} You have that already ! 

Fitz. How good and wise you are ! How unerringly your 
practised brain winnows the wheat from the chaff the material 
from the merely incidental ! 

Zara. My Girton training, Arthur. At Girton all is wheat, 
and idle chaff is never heard within its walls ! But tell me, is 
not all working marvellously well ? Have not our Flowers of 
Progress more than justified their name? 

Fitz. We have indeed done our best. Captain Corcoran and 
I have, in concert, thoroughly remodelled the sister-services- 



438 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

and upon so sound a basis that the South Pacific trembles at the 
name of Utopia ! 

Zara. How clever of you ! 

Fitz. Clever ? Not a bit. It's as easy as possible when the 
Admiralty and Horse Guards are not there to interfere. And 
so with the others. Freed from the trammels imposed upon 
them by idle Acts of Parliament, all have given their natural 
talents full play and introduced reforms which, even in England, 
were never dreamt of ! 

Zara. But perhaps the most beneficent change of all has been 
effected by Mr. Goldbury who, discarding the exploded theory 
that some strange magic lies hidden in the number Seven, has 
applied the Limited Liability principle to individuals, and every 
man, woman, and child is now a Company Limited with liability 
restricted to the amount of his declared Capital ! There is not 
a christened baby in Utopia who has not already issued his little 
Prospectus ! 

Fitz. Marvellous is the power of a Civilization which can 
transmute, by a word, a Limited Income into an Income 
(Limited). 

Zara. Keform has not stopped here it has been applied even 
to the costume of our people. Discarding their own barbaric 
dress, the natives of our laud have unanimously adopted the 
tasteful fashions of England in all their rich entirety. Scaphio 
and Phantis have undertaken a contract to supply the whole of 
Utopia with clothing designed upon the most approved English 
models and the first Dra wing-Room under the new state of 
things is to be held here this evening. 

Fitz. But Drawing-Rooms are alwavs held in the afternoon. 

v . r 

Zara. Ah, we've improved upon that. We all look so much 
better by candle-light ! And when I tell you, dearest, that my 
court train has just arrived, you will understand that I am long- 
ing to go and try it on. 

Fitz. Then we must part ? 

Zara. Necessarily, for a time. 

Fitz. Just as I wanted to tell you, with all the passionate 
enthusiasm of my nature, how deeply, how devotedly I love you! 

Zara. Hush ! Are these the accents of a heart that really 
feels ? True love does not indulge in declamation its voice is 
sweet, and soft, and low. The west wind whispers when he 
woos the poplars ! 

DUET. ZARA AND FITZBATTLEAXK. 

Zara. Words of love too loudly spoken 

Ring their own untimely knell ; 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 439 



vows are rudely broken, 
Soft the song of Philomel. 

Whisper sweetly, whisper slowly, 

Hour by hour and day by day : 
Sweet and low as accents holy 

Are the notes of lover's lay ! 

Jioth. Sweet and low, etc. 

Fit". Let the conqueror, flushed with glory, 

Bid his noisy clarions bray ; 
Lovers tell their artless story 

In a whispered virelay. 
False is he whose vows alluring 

Make the listening echoes ring ; 
Sweet and low when all-enduring, 

Are the songs that lovers sing ! 

Both. Sweet and low, etc. [Exit ZAI;A. 

Enter KING, dressed as Field Marshal. 

King. To a Monarch who has been accustomed to the uncon- 
trolled use of his limbs, the costume of a British Field Marshal 
is, perhaps, at first, a little cramping. Are you sure that this 
is all right ? It's not a practical joke, is it ? No one has a 
keener sense of humour than I have, but the First Statutory 
Cabinet Council of Utopia {Limited} must be conducted with 
dignity and impressiveness. Now, where are the other five who 
signed the Articles of Association ? 

Fitz. Sir, they are here, 

Enter LOUD DRAMALEIGH, CAPTAIN CORCORAN, SIR BAILEY 
BARRE, MR. BLUSHINGTON, and MR. GOLDBURY from 
different entrances. 

King. Oh! {Addressing them.} Gentlemen, our daughter 
holds her first Drawing-Room in half an hour, and we shall 
have time to make our half-yearly report in the interval. I am 
necessarily unfamiliar with the forms of an English Cabinet 
Council perhaps the Lord Chamberlain will kindly put us in 
the way of doing the thing properly, and with due regard to 
the solemnity of the occasion. 

Lord Dram. Certainly nothing simpler. Kindly bring your 
chairs forward his Majesty will, of course, preside. 

[Tliey range their chairs across stage like Christy Min- 
strels. KING sits centre, LORD DRAMLEIGH on his 
left, MR. GOLDBURY on his right, CAPTAIN CORCORAN 
left O/LORD DRAMALEIGH, CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXI; 
right O/MR. GOLDBURY, MR. BLUSHINGTON extreme 
right, SIR BAILEY BARRE extreme left. 



440 



UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 



King. Like this ? 

Lord Dram. Like this. 

King. We take your word for it that this is all right. You 
are not making fim of us? This is in accordance with the 
practice at the Court of St. James's ? 

Lord Dram. Well, it is in accordance with the practice at the 
Court of St. James's Hall. 

King. Oh ! it seems odd, but never mind. 



SOXG. KIXG. 

Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses, 
Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces. 
Chorus. Divorce is nearly obsolete in England. 

King . No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour ; 

For the higher his position is the greater the offender. 
Chorus. That's a maxim that is prevalent in England. 

King. No peeress at our Drawing-Roorn before the Presence passes 
Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower-middle classes. 
Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out neatly. 
Chorus, In short, this happ3 T country has been Anglicized completely ! 
It really is surprising 
What a thorough Anglicizing 

We have brought about Utopia's quite another land ; 
In her enterprising movements, 
She is England with improvements, 
Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land ! 
Kimj. Our city we have beautified we've done it willy-nilly 

And all that isn't Belgrave Square is Strand and Piccadilly. 
Chorus. We haven't any slummeries in England ! 

King. We have solved the labour question with discrimination 

polished, 

So poverty is obsolete and hunger is abolished 
Chorus. We are going to abolish it in England. 

King. The Chamberlain our native stage has purged, beyond a 

question, 

Of " risky " situation and indelicate suggestion ; 
No piece is tolerated if it's costumed indiscreetly 
Chorus. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com- 
pletely ! 

It really is surprising, etc. 
Kiny. Our Peerage we've remodelled on an intellectual basis, 

Which certainly is rough on our hereditary races 
Chorus. We are going to remodel it in England. 

King. The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek admission, 

And Literary Merit meets with proper recognition 
Chorus. As Literary Merit does in England ! 

King. Who knows but we may count among our intellectual 

chickens 

Like you, an Earl of Thackeray and p'r'aps a Duke of 
Dickens 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 



441 



Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come) we'll 

welcome sweetly 

Chorus. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com- 
pletely ! 

It really is surprising, etc. 

[At the end all rise and replace their chairs. 

King. Now then, for our First Drawing-Room. Where are 
the Princesses ? What an extraordinary thing it is that since 
European looking-glasses have been supplied to the Royal bed- 
rooms my daughters are invariably late ! 

Lord Dram. Sir, their Royal Highnesses await your pleasure 
in the Ante-Room. 

King. Oh. Then request them to do us the favour to enter 
at once. 

MARCH. Enter all the Royal Household, including (besides the 
Lord Chamberlain) the Vice-Chamberlain, the Master of the 
Horse, the Master of the Buckhounds, the Lord High 
Treasurer, the Lord Steward, the Comptroller of the House- 
hold, the Lord-in- Waiting, the Groom-in- Waiting, the Field 
Officer in Brigade Waiting, the Gold and Silver Stick, and 
the Gentlemen Ushers. Then enter the three Princesses 
(their trains carried by Pages of Honour), LADY SOPHY, 
and the Ladies-in-waiting. 

King. My daughters, we are about to attempt a very solemn 
ceremonial, so no giggling, if you please. Now, my Lord 
Chamberlain, we are ready. 

Lord Dram. Then, ladies and gentlemen, places if you please. 
His Majesty will take his place in front of the throne, and 
will be so obliging as to embrace all the debutantes. (LADY 
SOPHY, much shocked.) 

King. What must I really ? 

Lord Dram. Absolutely indispensable. 

King. More jam for the Palace Peeper I 

[The KING takes his place in front of the throne, the 
PRINCESS ZARA on his left. The two younger 
Princesses on the left of ZARA. 

King. Now, is every one in his place ? 

Lord Dram. Every one is in his place. 

King. Then let the revels commence. 

Enter the Ladies attending the Drawing-Room. They give their 
cards to the Groom-in- Waiting, who passes them to the 
Lord-in-Waiting, who passes them to the Vice-Chamberlain, 
who passes them to the Lord Chamberlain, ivho reads the 



442 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

names to the KING as each lady approaches. The Ladies 
curtsy in succession to the KING, and the three Princesses, 
and pass out. When all the presentations have been accom- 
plislied, the KING, Princesses, and LADY SOPHY come 
forward, and all the Ladies re-enter. 

EECITATIVE. KING. 
This ceremonial our wish displays 
To copy all Great Britain's courtly ways, 
Though lofty aims catastrophe entail, 
We'll gloriously succeed or nobly fail ! 

UNACCOMPANIED CHORUS. 

Eagle high in cloudland soaring 

Sparrow twittering on a reed 

Tiger in the jungle roaring 

Frightened fawn in grassy mead 

Let the eagle, not the sparrow, 

Be the object of your arrow 

Fix the tiger with your eye 
Pass the fawn in pity by. 
Glory then will crown the day- 
Glory, glory, anyway ! \_Thenexeunt all. 

Enter SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, now dressed as judges in red and 
ermine robes and undress wigs. They come down stage 
melodramatically working together. 

DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS. 

Sen. With fury deep we burn 

Phan. We do- 

We fume with smothered rage. 
These Englishmen who rule supreme 
Their undertaking they redeem 
By stifling every harmless scheme 
In which we both engage 
&a. They do 

In which we both engage. 

Both (with yrcut energy). For this mustn't be, and this won't do, 
If you'll back me, then I'll back you, 
Let's both agree, and we'll pull things through, 
For this mustn't be, and this won't do. 
No, this won't do, 
No, this won't do, 
No, this mustn't be, 
And this won't do. 

Enter the KING. 

King. Gentlemen, gentlemen really ! This unseemly dis- 
play of energy within the Royal Precincts is altogether 
unpardonable. Pray what do you complain of? 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 443 

Sect, (furiously'). What do we complain of? Why, through 
the innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our 
harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age are 
rained. Oar Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our Cheap 
Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing contracts 
are paratyzed, and even our Society paper, the Palace Peeper, 
is practically defunct ! 

King. Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry. 

Sea. Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a 
law of libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are 
publicly flogged as in England ? And six of our editors have 
resigned in succession ! Now, the editor of a scurrilous paper 
can stand a good deal he takes a private thrashing as a matter 
of course it's considered in his salary but no gentleman likes 
to be publicly flogged. 

King. Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself. 

Phan. Then our burlesque Theatre is absolutely ruined ! 

King. Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it 
was. 

Phan. Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has 
his own views as to the best means of elevating the national 
drama, has declined to license any play that is not in blank 
verse and three hundred years old as in England ? 

Sea. And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor 
has ordered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the 
proscenium, in case of fire as in England. 

Phan. It's so hard on the company who are liable to be 
roasted alive and this has to be met by enormously increased 
salaries as in England. 

Sea. You probably know that we've contracted to supply the 
entire nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you 
do not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers 
plead liability limited to a declared capital of eighteenpence, 
and apply to be dealt with under the Winding-tip Act as in 
England ? 

King. Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. If you will 
be so good as to formulate a detailed list of your grievances in 
writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia (Limited'), they 
will be laid before the Board, in due course, at their next 
monthly meeting. 

Sea. Are we to understand that we are defied ? 

King. That is the idea I intended to convey. 

Phan. Defied ! We are defied ! 

Sea. (furiously}. Take care you know our powers. Trifle 
with us, and you die ! 



44* UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, 

TRIO. SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, AND KING. 

Sea. If you think that when banded in unity, 

We may both be defied with impunity, 

You are sadly misled of a verity ! 
Phan. If you value repose and tranquillity, 
You'll revert to a state of docility, 

Or prepare to regret your temerity ! 

King. If my speech is unduly refractory 

You will find it a course satisfactory 

At an early Board meeting to show it up. 
Though if proper excuse you can trump any, 
You may wind up a Limited Company, 

You cannot conveniently blow it up ! 

[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS thoroughly lafflcd. 

King, (dancing quietly). Whene'er I chance to baffle you 

I, also, dance a step or two 
Of this now guess the hidden sense : 

[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS consider the question as KING 
continues dancing quietly then give it up. 

It means complete indifference 

All three (dancing quietly). Indifference indifference 
Of course it does indifference ! 

\y > might have guessed its hidden sense. 
It means complete indifference ! 

[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS dancing furiously. 

King, (dancing quietly). As we've a dance for every mood 

With pas de trois we will conclude. 
What this may mean you all may guess 

Sea. and. Phan. \ It typifies remorselessness ! 

King. j It means unruffled cheerfulness ! 

[KING dances off placidly as SCAPHIO and PHANTIS dance 
furiously. 

Phan. (breathless}. He's right we are helpless! He's no 
longer a human being he's a Corporation, and so long as he 
confines himself to his Articles of Association we can't touch 
him ! What are we to do ? 

Sea. Do? Kaise a Eevolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two, 
reconvert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate 
explosion ! (TARARA enters.) Tarara, come here ; you're the 
very man we want. 

Tar. Certainly, allow me. (Offers a cracker to each, they 
snatch them away impatiently.) That's rude. 

Sea. We have no time for idle forms. You wish to succeed 
to the throne? 

Tar. Naturally. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 445 

Sea. Then you won't unless you join us. The King has 
defied us, and, as matters stand, we are helpless. So are you. 
We must devise some plot at once to bring the people about his 
ears. 

Tar. A plot ? 

Plian. Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety. Have you such 
a thing about you ? 

Tar. (feeling}. No, I think not. No. There's one on my 
dressing-table. 

Sea. We can't wait we must concoct one at once, an 1 put 
it into execution without delay. There is not a moment to 
spare ! 

TRIO. SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, AND TARAKA. 
ENSEMBLE. 

With wily brain upon the spot 

A private plot we'll plan, 
The most ingenious private plot 

Since private plots began. 
That's understood. So far we've got 
And, striking while the iron's hot, 
We'll now determine like a shot 
The details of this private plot. 

Sea. I think we ought [Whispers. 

Phan. and Tar. Such bosh I never heard ! 

Phan. Ah ! happy thought ! [Whispers. 

Sea. and Tar. How utterly dashed absurd ! 

Tar. I'll tell you how [ Whispers. 

Sea. and Phan. " Why, what put that in your head ? 

Sea. I've got it now [ \Vhispers. 

Oh ! take him away to bed ! 
Phan. Oh, put him to bed ! 

Tar. Oh, put him to bed ! 

Sea. What ! put me to bed ? 

Phan. and Tar. Yes, put him to bed ! 

Sea. But, bless me, don't you see 
Phan. Do listen to me, I pray 

Tar. It certainly seems to me 
Sea. Bah this is the only way ! 

Phan. It's rubbish absurd you growl ! 
Tar. You talk ridiculous stuff 1 

Sea. You're a drivelling barndoor owl ! 
Phan. You're a vapid and vain old muff ! 

[AH coming down to audience. 

So far we haven't quite solved the plot , 
They're not a very ingenious lot 

But don't be unhappy, 

It's still on the tapis, 
We'll presently hit on a capital plot ! 



446 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Sea. Suppose we all- [ Whispers. 

Phan. Now there I think you're right. 

Then we might all [ Whispers. 

Tar. That's true we certainly might. 

I'll tell you what [Whispers 

Sea. We will if we possibly can. 

Then on the spot [Whispers. 

Phan. and Tar. Bravo ! a capital plan ! 

Sea. That's exceedingly neat and new ! 

Phan. Exceedingly new and neat ! 

Tar. I fancy that that will do. 

Sea. It's certainly very complete ! 

Phan. Well done, you sly old sap ! 

Tar. Bravo, you cunning old mole ! 

Sea. You very ingenious chap ! 

Phan. You intellectual soul ! 

\_All, coming down, and addressing audience. 

At last a capital plan we've got ; 
Never mind why and never mind what : 

It's safe in my noddle 

Now off we will toddle, 
And slyly develop this capital plot ! 

[Business. Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS in one direc- 
tion , and TAR ABA in the other. 

Enter LORD DRAMALEIGH and MR. GOLDBURY. 

Lord Dram. Well, what do you think of our first South 
Pacific Drawing-Piooru ? Allowing for a slight difficulty with 
the trains, and a little want of familiarity with the use of the 
rouge-pot, it was, on the whole, a meritorious affair ? 

Gold. My dear Dramaleigh, it redounds infinitely to your 
credit. 

Lord Dram. Oue or two judicious innovations, I think ? 

Gold. Admirable. The cup of tea and the plate of mixed 
biscuits were a cheap and effective inspiration. 

Lord Dram. Yes my idea, entirely. Never been done 
before. 

Gold. Pretty little maids, the King's youngest daughters, 
but timid. 

Lord Dram. That'll wear off. Young. 

Gold. That'll wear off. Ha ! here they come, by George ! 
And without the Dragon ! What can they have done with her ? 

Enter NEKAYA and KALYBA, timidly. 

Nek. Oh, if you please Lady Sophy has sent us in here, 
because Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe are going on, in the 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 447 

garden, in a manner which no well conducted young ladies 
ought to witness. 

Lord Dram. Indeed, we are very much obliged to her Lady- 
ship. 

Kal. Are you ? I wonder why. 

Nek. Don't tell us if it's rude. 

Lord Dram. Eude ? Not at all. We are obliged to Lady 
Sophy because she has afforded us the pleasure of seeing 
you. 

Nek. I don't think you ought to talk to us like that. 

Kdl. It's calculated to turn our heads. 

Nek. Attractive girls cannot be too particular. 

Kal. Oh, pray, pray do not take advantage of our unpro- 
tected innocence. 

Gold. Pray be reassured you are in no danger whatever. 

Lord Dram. But may I ask is this extreme delicacy tins 
shrinking sensitiveness a general characteristic of Utopian 
young ladies ? 

Nek. Oh no ; we are crack specimens. 

Kal. We are the pick of the basket. Would you mind not 
corning quite so near? Thank you. 

Nek. And please don't look at us like that ; it unsettles us. 

Kal. And we don't like it. At least, we do like it ; but it's 
wrong. 

Nek. We have enjoyed the inestimable privilege of being 
educated by a most refined and easily-shocked English Iad3 r , on 
the very strictest English principles. 

Gold. But, my dear young ladies 

Kal. Oh, don't. .You mustn't. It's too affectionate. 

Nek. It really does unsettle us. 

Gold. Are you really under the impression that English girls 
are so ridiculously demure? Why, an English girl of the 
highest type is the best, the most beautiful, the bravest, and 
the brightest creature that Heaven has conferred upon this 
world of ours. She is frank, open-hearted, and fearless, and 
never shows in so favourable a light as when she gives her own 
blameless impulses full play ! 

Nek. and Kal. Oh, you shocking story ! 

Gold. Not at all. I'm speaking the strict truth. I'll tell 
you nil about her. 

SONG. MR. GOLDBURY. 

A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, 
In her magnificent comeliness, 
Is an English girl of eleven stone two, 
And five foot ten in her dancing shoe ! 



448 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

She follows the hounds, and on she pounds 

The " field " tails off. and the muffs diminish 
Over the hedges and brooks she bounds 

Straight as a crow, from find to finish. 
At cricket, her kin will lose or win- 
She and her maids, on grass and clover, 
Eleven maids out eleven maids in 

And perhaps an occasional "maiden over ! " 
Go search the world and search the sea, 
Then come you home and sing with me 
There's no such gold and no such pearl 
As a bright and beautiful English girl ! 

With a ten mile spin she stretches her limbs, 
She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims- 
She plays, she sings, she dances, too, 
From ten or eleven till all is blue ! 

At ball or drum, till small hours come, 

(Chaperon's fan conceals her yawning) 
She'll waltz away like a teetotum, 

And never go home till daylight's dawning. 
Lawn-tennis may share her favours fair 

Her eyes a-dance and her cheeks a-glowing 
Down comes her hair, but what does she care ? 
It's all her own and it's worth the showing ! 
Go search the world, etc. 

Her soul is sweet as the ocean air, 
For prudery knows no haven there ; 
To find mock-modesty, please apply 
To the conscious blush and the downcast eye. 
Kich in the things contentment brings, 
In every pure enjoyment wealthy, 
Blithe as a beautiful bird she sings, 

For body and mind are hale and healthy. 
Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill 

Her heart is light as a floating feather 
As pure and bright as the mountain rill 

That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather ! 
Go search the world, etc. 

QUARTETTE. 

Nek. Then I may sing and play ? 

Lord Dram. You may ! 

Kal. And I may laugh and shout ? 

Gold. No doubt ! 

Nek. These maxims you endorse ? 

Lord Dram. Of course ! 

Kal. You won't exclaim " Oh fie ! " 

Gold. Not I ! 

Gold. Whatever you are be that : 

Whatever you say be true : 
Straightforwardly act 
Be honest in fact, 
Be nobody else but you. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 449 

Lord Dram. Give every answer pat 

Your character true unfurl ; 
And when it is ripe, 
You'll then be a type 
Of a capital English girl ! 

All. Oh, sweet surprise oh, dear delight, 

To find it undisputed quite, 
All musty, fusty rules despite, 
That Art is wrong and Nature right ! 

Nek. When happy I, 

With laughter glad 

I'll wake the echoes fairly, 
And only sigh 

When I am sad 

And that will be but rarely ! 

Kal. I'll row and fish, 

And gallop, soon- 
No longer be a prim one 
And when I wish 
To hum a tune, 

It needn't be a hymn one? 

Gold, and Lord Dram. No, no ! 

It needn't be a hymn one ! 

All (dancing). Oh, sweet surprise and dear delight 
To find it undisputed quite- 
All musty, fusty rules despite 
That Art' is wrong and Nature right ! 

[Dance, and off. 
Enter LADY SOPHY. 

RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY. 

Oh, would some demon power the gift impart 
To quell my over-conscientious heart 
TJnspeak the oaths that never had been spoken, 
And break the vows that never shall be broken ! 

SONG. LADY SOPHY. 

When but a maid of fifteen year, 

Unsought unplighted 
Short petticoated and, I fear, 

Still shorter-sighted 
I made a vow, one early spring, 
That only to some spotless king 
Who proof of blameless life could bring 

I'd be united. 

For I had read, not long before, 

Of blameless kings in fairy lore, 

And thought the race still flourished here 

Well, well 

I was a maid of fifteen year ! 
HI. 2 G 



45 o UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, 

The KING enters and overhears this verse. 

Each morning I pursued my game 

(An early riser) ; 
For spotless monarchs I became 

An advertiser : 

But all in vain I searched each land, 
So, kingless, to my native strand 
Returned, a little older, and 

A good deal wiser ! 

I learnt that spotless King and Prince 
Have disappeared some ages since 
Even Paramount's angelic grace, 

Ah, me ! 
Is but a mask on Nature's face ! 

[KING comes forward. 

RECITATIVE. 

King. Ah, Lady Sophy then you love me ! 

For so you sing 

Lady 8. No, by the stars that shine above me 

(indignant and surprised). Degraded King ! 
(Producing Palace Peeper.) 

For while these rumours, through the city bruited 
Remain uncontradicted, unrefuted, 
The object thou of my aversion rooted, 

Repulsive thing ! 
King. Be just the time is now at hand 

When truth may published be, 
These paragraphs were written and 

Contributed by me ! 
Lady S. By you ? No, no ! 

King. Yes, yes, I swear, by me ! 

I, caught in Scaphio's ruthless toil, 

Contributed the lot ! 
Lady S. And that is why you did not boil 

The author on the spot ! 
King. And that is why I did not boil 

The author on the spot ! 

Lady S. I couldn't think why you did not boil. 

King. But /know why I did not boil 

The author on the spot ! 

DUET. LADY SOPHY AND KING. 

Lady S. Oh, the rapture unrestrained 

Of a candid retractation 5 
For my sovereign has deigned 

A convincing explanation 
And the clouds that gathered o'er, 

All have vanished in the distance 
And of Kings of fairy lore 

One, at least, is in existence ! 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 451 

King. Oh, the skies are blue above, 

And the earth is red and rosal, 
Now the lady of my love 

Has accepted my proposal ! 
For that asinorum pons 

I have crossed without assistance, 
And of prudish paragons 

One* at least, is in existence ! 

KiNG and LADY SOPHY dance gracefully. While this is 
going on LORD DRAMALEIGH enters unobserved with 
NEKAYA and MR. GOLDBURY with KALYBA. Then 
enter ZARA and CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE. The two 
Girls direct ZARA'S attention to the KING and LADY 
SOPHY, who are still dancing affectionately together. 
At this point the KING kisses LADY SOPHY, which 
causes the Princesses to make an exclamation. The 
KING and LADY SOPHY are at first much confused 
at being detected, but eventually throw off all reserve, 
and the four couples break into a wild Tarantella, 
and at the end exeunt severally* 

Enter all the' male Chorus, in great excitement^ from various 
entrances, led by SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, and TARARA, and 
followed by the female Chorus. 

CHORUS. 

Upon our sea-girt land 
At our enforced command 
Reform has laid her hand 

Like some remorseless ogress 
And make us darkly rue 
The deeds she dared to do 
And all is owing to 

Those hated Flowers of Progress ! 
All. So down with them I 

So down with them ! 

Reform's a hated ogress. 

So down with them ! 

So down with them ! 

Down with the Flowers of Progress ! 

Flourish. Enter KING, his three Daughters, LADY SOPHY, 
and the FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 

King. What means this most unmannerly irruption? 
Is this your gratitude for boons conferred? 

Sea. Boons ? Bah ! A fico for such boons, say we ! 
These boons have brought Utopia to a standstill ! 
Our pride and boast the Army and the Navy- 
Have both been re-constructed and re-modelled 



452 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR, 

Upon so irresistible a basis 

That all the neighbouring nations have disarmed 
And War's impossible ! Your County Councillor 
Has passed such drastic Sanitary laws 
That all the doctors dwindle, starve, and die ! 
The laws, remodelled by Sir Bailey Barre, 
Have quite extinguished crime and litigation : 
The lawyers starve, and all the jails are let 
As model lodgings for the working-classes ! 
In short- 
Utopia, swamped by dull Prosperity, 
Demands that these detested Flowers of Progress 
Be sent about their business, and affairs 
Restored to their original complexion 1 

King (to ZARA). My daughter, this is a very unpleasant state 
of things. What is to be done ? 

Zara. I don't know I don't understand it. We must have 
omitted something, 

King. Omitted something? Yes, that y s all very well, 
but [SiR BAILEY BARRE whispers to ZARA, 

Zara (suddenly). Of course ! Now I remember ! Why, I 
had forgotten the most essential element of all 1 

King. And that is 

Zara. Government by Party f Introduce that great and 
glorious element at once the bulwark and foundation of 
England's greatness and all will be well ! No political 
measures will endure, because one Party will assuredly undo all 
that the other party has done; and while grouse is to be shot, 
and foxes worried to death, the legislative action of the country 
will be at a standstill. Then there will be sickness in plenty, 
endless lawsuits, crowded jails, interminable confusion in the 
Army and Navy, and, in short, general and unexampled 
prosperity ! 

All. Ulahlica! Ulahlica I 

Phan. (aside). Baffled ! 

Sea. But an hour will come ! 

King. Your hour has come already away with them, and 
let them wait my will ! (ScAPHio and PHANTIS are led off in 
custody.') From this moment Government by Party is adopted, 
with all its attendant blessings ; and henceforward Utopia will 
no longer be a Monarchy (Limited), but, what is a great deal 
better, a Limited Monarchy ! 

FINALE. 

Zara. There's a little group of isles beyond the wave 
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is 
That nation is the bravest of the brave, 
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities. 



THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 453 

The. proudest nations kneel at her command ; 
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions ; 
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand 
With half a score invincible battalions ! 
Such, at least, is the tale 
Which is borne on the gale, 

From the island which dwells in the sea. 
Let us hope, for her sake, 
That she makes no mistake- 
That she's all she professes to be ! 

King. Oh, may we copy all her maxims wise, 

And imitate her virtues and her charities ; 
And may we, by degrees, acclimatize 

Her Parliamentary peculiarities ! 
By doing so, we shall, in course of time, 

Regenerate completely our entire land 
Great Britain is that monarchy sublime, 
To which some add (but others do not) Ireland. 
Such, at least, is the tale, etc. 



CURTAIN. 



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LIBRARY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. per Volume. 



THE 

A Journey Rou 



nd 



Eoom - 



XAVIER 



B ? w - D - ADAMS - 

The onv Co umn of " The Times." 
MelaSlv AH atomised: Abridgment of 

' Burton! An atom y ot Melancholy." 
Poetical lngen uities ' B y W - T - DOBSON. 
f he cuibSSd Papers. By FIN-BEC. 
WS AlbtrtV Pla y 8 ' FlRST SERIES - 
W q 61 bert'? Pla y s ' SECOND SERIES. 
of Iris Wit and 

' 



Homs's 

Talila 

Pencil and 
Little 



riticism. H. J. JENNINGS. 
of the Breakfast- 



lette - B ? R - KEMPT - 
: trom LAME'S Letters. 



Forensic Anecdotes. By JACOB LARWOOD. 
Theatrical Anecdotes. JACOB LARWOOD. 
Jeuxd'Esprit. Edited by HENRYS. LEIGH. 
Witch Stories. By E. LYNN LINTON. 
Ourselves. By E. LYNN LINTON. 
Pastimes & Players. By R. MACGREGOR. 
New Paul and Virginia. W.H.MALLOCK. 
New Republic. By W. H. MALLOCK. 
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Muses of Mayfair. Ed. H. C. PENNELL. 
Thoreau: His Life & Aims. By H. A. PAGE. 
Puniana. By Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. 
More Puniana. By Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. 
The Philosophy of Handwriting. 
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of Breakfast Table. 



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Leigh Hunt's Tale for a Chimney 

Corner. 

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THE WA^ DERER ' S LIBRARY 

Wanderings P" 1 ^ By JULIUS 



Lift 
' 



FREDERICK BOYLE. 
' FREDERICK BOYLE. 
En rfi an d in the Olden Time. By 
G DANIFL frustrated by CRUIKSHANK. 
Cirrus Life' pY THOMAS FROST. 
Lives of the c5 n J urei ' s - THOMAS FROST. 
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Fairs Bv Ti iOMAS FROST. 
Low-Life T/ftftpS' y J AMES GREENWOOD. 



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Wilds of London. JAMES GREENWOOD. 
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Life and Adventures of a Cheap Jack. 
World Behind the Scenes. P.FITZGERALD. 
Tavern Anecdotes and Sayings. 
The Genial Showman. By E.P. KINGSTON 
Story of London Parks. JACOB LARWOOD. 
London Characters. By HENRY MAYHKW. 
Seven Generations of Executioners. 
Summer Cruising in the South Seas. 

By C. WARREN STODDARD. Illustrated 



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Jeff Brs's L ve Stor y- BRET HARTE ' 
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Snow bound at Ea ^ le ' s ' B > BRET HARTE ' 
I n W w 'B Tm,r By PERCY FITZGERALD. 
Esthers Glove By R.E. FRANCILLON. 

IfntfnrJ? lW SOMERVILLE GlBNEY. 

Sentenced! 15 5. Wifp Bv T GRAHAM 
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- By j. HOLLINGSHEAD. 
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is. 



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SSfl By J US TL IN H - MCCARTHY. 



Lily Lass. JUSTIN H. MCCARTHY. 
Was She Good or Bad? By W. MINTO. 
Notes from the "News." ByjAs. PAVN. 
Beyond the Gates. By E. S. PHELPS. 
Old Maid's Paradise. By E. S. PHELPS. 
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Jack the Fisherman. By E. S. PHELPS. 
Trooping with Crows. By C. L. PIRKIS. 
Bible Characters. By CHARLES READE. 
Rogues. By R. H. SHERARD. 
The Dagonet Reciter. By G. R. SIMS. 
How the Poor Live. By G. R. SIMS. 
Case of George Candlemas. G. R. SIMS 
Sandycroft Mystery. T. VV. SPEIGHT. 
Hoodwinked. By T. W. SPEIGHT. 
Father Damien. By R. L. STEVENSON, 
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My Life with Stanley's Rear Guard. By 
HERBERT WARD. 



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The Old Maid's Sweetheart. A.Sx;AuBYN 
Modest Little Sara> ALAN ST. AUBYN. 



Taken from the Enemy. H. NEWBOLT. 
A Lost Soul. By W. L. ALDEN. 



Seven Sleeper s' Epnesui> ' M.E.COLERIDGE. | Dr. Palliser's Patient. GRANT ALLEN 



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Pour Frenchwomen. By AUSTIN DOBSON. 
Citation and Examination of William 

Shakspeare. By W. S. LANDOR. 
The Journal of Maurice de Guerin. 



Christie Johnstone. By CHARLES READE. 

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The Dramatic Essays of Charles Lamb. 



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Robinson Crusoe. Illust. G. CRUIKSHANK. 
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With 85 Illustrations. 

The Barber's Chair, &c. By D. JERROLD. 
Gastronomy. By BRILLAT-SAVARIN. 
The Epicurean, &c. By THOMAS MOORE. 
Leigh Hunt's Essays. Ed. E. OLLIER. 



White's Natural History of Selborne. 

Gulliver's Travels, &c. By Dean SWIFT. 

Plays. By RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN. 

Anecdotes of the Clergy. J. LARWOOD. 

Thomson's Seasons. Illustrated. 

The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table 
and The Professor at the Breakfast- 
Table. By OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. 



THE PICCADILLY NOVELS. 

LIBRARY EDITIONS OF NOVELS, many Illustrated, crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6<l. each. 



By F. UI. ALLEN. 

Green as Grass. 

By GRANT ALLEN. 



Philistia. 
Babylon. 
Strange Stories. 
Beckoning Hand. 
In all Shades. 



The Tents of Shem. 
For Mai mie's Sake. 
The Devil's Die. 
This Mortal Coil. 
The Great Taboo. 
Dumaresq's Daughter. | Blood Royal. 
The Duchess of Powysland. 
Ivan Greet's Masterpiece. I Scallywag. 

By EDWIN L. ARNOLD. 
Phra the Phoenician. 
The Constable of St. Nicholas. 

By ALAN ST. AUBYN. 
A Fellow of Trinity. I The Junior Dean. 
The Master of St. Benedict's. 
To his Own Master. 

By Rev. S. BAKING GOULD 
Red Spider. I Eve. 

By ROBERT BARR. 
In Steamer Chair | From Whose Bourne 

By FRANK. BAISRETT. 
The Woman of the Iron Bracelets. 
"BELLE," Yashti and Esther. 
By W. BESANT & J. RICE. 



By Celia's Arbour. 
Monks of Thelema, 
The Seamy Side. 
Ten Years' Tenant. 



My Little Girl. 
Case of Mr.Lucraft. 
This Son of Vulcan. 
Golden Butterfly. 
Ready-Money Mortiboy. 
With Harp and Crown. 
'Twas in Trafalgar's Bay. 
The Chaplain of the Fleet. 

By WALTER BESANT. 
All Sorts and Conditions of Men. 



The Captains' Room. 
All In a Garden Fair 



Herr Paul us. 
The Ivory Gate. 



The World Went Very Well Then. 
For Faith and Freedom. | Rebel Queen. 



Dorothy Forster. 

Uncle Jack. 

Children of Gibeon. 

Bell of St. Paul's. 

To Call Her Mine. 

Verbena Camellia Stephanotis. 

By ROBERT BUCHANAN. 
The Shadow of the Sword. I Matt. 
A Child of Nature. I Heir of Linne. 
The Martyrdom of Madeline. 



The Holy Rose. 
Armorel of Lyon- 

esse. 
St. Katharine's by 

the Tower. 



God and the Man. 
Love Me for Ever. 
Annan Water. 



Woman and the Man. 



The New Abelard. 
Foxglove Manor. 
Master of the Mine. 



By HALL CAINE. 

The Shadow of a Crime. 

A Son of Hagar. I The Deemster. 

By 1UACLAREN COBBAN. 
The Red Sultan. 

UIORT. & FRANCES COLLINS. 
Transmigration. | Blacksmith&Scholar. 
From Midnight to Midnight. 
Village Comedy. | You Play Me False. 
By WII.Ii.lE COLLINS. 



The Frozen Deep. 
The Two Destinies. 
Law and the Lady. 
Haunted Hotel. 
The Fallen Leaves. 
Jezebel's Daughter. 
The Black Robe. 
Heart and Science. 
"I Say No." 
Little Novels. 
The Evil Genius. 
The Legacy of Cain 
A Rogue's Life. 
Blind Love. 



Armadale. 
After Dark. 
No Name. 
Antonina. | Basil. 
Hide and Seek. 
The Dead Secret. 
Queen of Hearts. 
My Miscellanies. 
Woman in White. 
The Moonstone. 
Man and Wife. 
Poor Miss Finch. 
Miss or Mrs? 
New Magdalen. 

By DUTTON COOK. 
Paul Foster's Daughter. 
E. El. COOi'Eifc Geoff. Hamilton. 

By V. CECIL COTES. 
Two Girls on a Barge. 

By MATT CRI1TI. 
Adventures of a Fair Rebel. 

By B. ITI. CROKER. 
Diana Barrington. PrettyMiss Neville. 
Proper Pride. A Bird of Passage. 

A FarailyLikeness. "To Let." 

By W1LL.IAUI CITI'LES. 
Hearts of Gold. 

By ALPHONSE DA UDET. 
The Evangelist; or, Port Salvation. 
By H. COLEMAN DAVIDSON. 
Mr. Sadler's Daughters. 

By ERASMUS DAWSON. 
The Fountain of Youth. 

By JAIT1ES DE MILLE. 
A Castle in Spain. 

By J. I,C B III DERWENT. 
Our Lady of Tears. | Circe's Lovers. 

By DICK. DONOVAN. 
Tracked to Doom. 
Man from Manchester. 

By A. CONAN DOYLE. 
The Firm of Girdlestone. 
By Mrs. ANNIE EDWARDES 
Archie Lovell. 



28 



BOOKS PUBLISHED BY 



THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued. 

BY a. ITIAN VILLE FKNN. 
The New Mistress. I Witness to the Deed. 
The Tiger Lily. 

By PERCY FITZGERALD. 
Fatal Zero. 

By K. K. FRANCILLON. 



Queen Cophetua. 

One by One. 

Dog & his Shadow. 



A Real Queen. 
King or Knave. 
Ropes of Sand. 



Pref.bySirBARTLE FRERE. 

Pandurang Hari. 

EI>. GABRETT, The Capel Girls. 

PAUL GAULO 1'. The Red Shirts. 

By CHARLES GIBBON. 

Robin Gray. I The Golden Shaft. 

Loving ?', Dream. I Of High Degree* 
The Flo iifer of the Forest. 

By E. 4*LA>\ ILLE, 
The Lost Heiress. I The Fosslcker. 
A Fair Colonist. 

By E. J. GOODMAN. 
The Fate of Herbert Wayne. 

By MOM I, GRIFFITH. 
Corinthla Marazion. 

By SYDNEY GRUNDY. 
The Days of his Vanity. 

By THOU A* HARDY 
Under the Greenwood Tree. 

By BRET HARTE. 
A Waif of the Plains. | Sally Dows. 
A Ward of the Golden Gate. 
A Sappho of Green Springs. 
Colonel Starbottle's Client. | Susy. 
A Prot6gee of Jack Hamlln's. 
By J ULIAN HAWTHORNE. 



Garth. 

Ellice Quentln. 

Sebastian Strome. 



Dust. 
Fortune's Fool. 
Beatrix Randolph. 



David Poindexter's Disappearance. 
The Spectre of the Camera. 
By Sir A. HELPS. Ivan de Blron. 
I, HENDERSON. Agatha Page. 

By Mrs. HUNGERFORD. 
Lady Yerner's Flight. 

By Mrs. ALFRED HUNT. 
The Leaden Casket. Self-Condemned. 
That Other Person. Mrs. Juliet. 
By R. ASHE IvlNG. 
A Drawn Game. 
"The Wearing of the Green." 

By E. LYNN LINTON. 



Patricia Kemball. 
Under which Lord? 
"My Love!" 



lone. 

Paston Carew. 

Sowing the Wind 1 



The Atonement of Learn Dundas. 
The World Well Lost. 
By H. W. LUCY. Gideon Fleyce. 
By JUSTIN MCCARTHY. 



A Fair Saxon. 
Linley Rochford. 
Miss Misanthrope. 



Donna Quixote. 
Maid of Athens. 
Camiola. 



The Waterdale Neighbours. 
My Enemy's Daughter. I Red Diamonds 
Dear Lady Disdain. | The Dictator. 
The Comet of a Season. 

By GEORGE MACDONALD. 
Heather and Snow. 

By AGNES MACDONELL. 
Quaker Cousins. 

By BERTRAM MITFORD. 
The Gun-Runner. | The King's Assegai. 
The Luck of Gerard Ridgeley. 



THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued. 
By JD. CHRISTIE MURRAY. 



Life's Atonement. 
Joseph'! Coat. 
Coals of Fire. 
Old Blazer's Hero. 
By the Gate of the 



Yal Strange. 

Hearts. 

A Model Father. 

Time's Revenges. 

ea. 

A'Bit of Human Nature. 
First Person Singular. I Cynic Fortune. 
The Way of the World. I A Wasted 
Bob Martin's Little Girl. Crime. 

By MURRAY & HERMAN. 
The Bishops' Bible. | Paul Jones's Alias. 
One Traveller Returns. 
By HUME NISBET "Bail Up I" 
By G. OHNET. A Weird Gift. 
By OUIDA. 



Held in Bondage. 

Strathmore. 

Chandos. 

Under Two Flags. 

Idalia. 

CecilCastlemaine's 

Gage. 

Tricotrln. | Puck. 
Folle Farine. 
A Dog of Flanders. 
Pascarel. I Signa. 
Princess Haprax- 

ine. 

By MARGARET A. PAUL. 
Gentle and Simple. 

By JAMES PAYN. 
Lost Sir Masslngberd. 
Less Black than We're Painted. 
A Confidential Agent. 
A Grape from a Thorn. 
In Peril and Privation. 
The Mystery of Mirbridgs 
The Canon's Ward. 
Walter's Word. 



Two Little Wooden 

Shoes. 

In a Winter City. 
Ariadne. 
Friendship. 
Moths. I Rufflno. 
Pipistrello. 
A Village Commune 
Bimbi. | Wanda. 
Frescoes. | Ot lunar. 
In Haremma. 
Syrlin.l Guilderoy. 
Santa Barbara. 



By Proxy. 
Hlg 



Holiday Tasks. 
For Cash Only. 
The Burnt Million. 
The Word and the 

Will. 

Sunny Stories. 
A Try ing Patient. 
PRAEIl. 



Igh Spirits. 
Under One Roof. 
From Exile. 
Glow-worm Tales. 
Talk of the Town. 
By Mrs. CAMPBELL 
Outlaw and Lawmaker. 

By E. C. PRICE. 
Yalentina. I The Foreigners. 

Mrs. Lancaster's Rival. 

By RICHARD PRYCE. 
Miss Maxwell's Affections. 

By CHARLES READE. 
It is Never Too Late to Mend. 
The Double Marriage. 
Love Me Little, Love Me Long. 
The Cloister and the Hearth. 
The Course of True Love. 
The Autobiography of a Thief. 
Put Yourself in his Place. 
A Terrible Temptation. | The Jilt. 
Singleheart and Doublelace. 
Good Stories of Men and other Animals. 



Hard Cash. 
Peg Woffington. 
Christie Johnstone. 
Griffith Gaunt. 
Fool Play. 



Wandering Heir. 

A Woman-Hater. 

A Simpleton. 

Readiana. 

A Perilous Secret, 



By Mn. J. II. RIDDEL L 

The Prince of Wales's Garden Parly, 
Weird Stories. 



CHATTO Se. WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 



THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued. 

Hy AMELIE RIVES. 
Barbara Dering. 

By F. W. ROBINSON. 
The Hands of Justice. 

By W. CLARK RUSSELL. 
Ocean Tragedy. | My Shipmate Louise. 
Alone on a Wide Wide Sea. 

By JOHN SAUNDERS. 
Guy Waterman. Two Dreamers. 
Bound to Wheel. | Lion in the Path. 
By KATHARINE SAUNDERS. 
Margaret and Elizabeth. 
Gideon's Rock. I Heart Salvage. 
The High Mills. | Sebastian. 

By HAWLEY SMART. 
Without Love or Licence. 

By R. A. STERNDALE. 
The Afghan Knife. 

By BERTHA THOMAS. 
Proud Maisie. I The Violin-player. 
By FRANCES E. TROLLOI'E. 
Like Ships upon the Sea. 
Anne Furness. | Mabel's Progress. 



2Q 

THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued. 
By I VAN TURGENIEFF, &c. 
Stories from Foreign Novelists. 

By ANTHONY TROLLOPE. 
Frau Frohmann. I Land-Leaguers. 
Marlon Fay. | The Way We Live Now. 
Mr. Scarborough's Family. 

By C. C. FRASER-TYTJLER. 
Mistress Judith. 

By SARAH TYTLER. 
The Bride's Pass. I Lady Bell. 
Burled Diamonds. | Blackball Ghosts. 

By HI ARK TWAIN. 
The American Claimant. 
The 1,000,000 Bank-note. 
Tom Sawyer Abroad. 
Pudd'nhead Wilson. 

By ALLEN UP WARM. 
T4ie Queen against Owen. 

By J. S. WINTER. 
A Soldier's Children. 

By MARGARET WYNMAN. 
My Flirtations. 

By E. ZOLA. 



The Downfall. 
The Dream. 



Dr. Pascal. 
Money. 



CHEAP EDITIONS OF POPULAR NOVELS. 

boards, 2s. each. 

By WAJLTER BESANT. 



Post 8vo, illustrated 
By ARTEMUS WAKU. 
Artemus Ward Complete. 

By EDITION!* ABOUT. 
The Fellah. 

By HAMILTON AIDE. 
Carr of Carrlyon. | Confidences. 
By MARY ALBERT. 
Brooke Flnchley's Daughter. 

By Mrs. ALEXANDER. 

Maid, Wife, or Widow? | Valerie' Fate. 

By OR ANT ALLEN 



The Devil's Die. 
This Mortal Coil. 
In all Shades. 



Strange Stories. 

Philistia. 

Babylon. 

The Beckoning Hand. | Blood Royal. 

For Maimie's Sake. | Tents of Shem. 

Great Taboo. | Dumaresq's Daughter. 

The Duchess of Powysland. 

By E. LESTER ARNOLD. 
Phra the Phoenician, 

By ALAN ST. AUBYN. 
A Fellow of Trinity. | The Junior Dean, 
The Master of St. Benedict's. 

By Rev. S. BARBIVG GOULD. 
Red Spider. | Eve. 

By FRANK BARRETT. 
Fettered for Life. | Little Lady Linton. 
Between Life and Death. 
The Sin of Olga Zassoulich. 



Folly Morrison 
Lieut. Barnabas. 



Hontjt Davle. 

A Prodigal's Progress. 



Found Guilty. I A Recoiling Vengeance. 
For Love and Honour. 
John Ford; and His Helpmate. 
By W. BESANT & J. RICE. 

This Son of Vulcan. 



Hy Little Girl. 
Case of Mr.Luoraft. 



Golden Butterfly. 
Ready-Money Mortlboy 
With Harp and Crown. 
'Twas In Trafalgar's Bay. 

The Chaplain of the Fleet. 



By Celia's Arbour. 
Monks of Thelema. 
The Seamy Side. 
Ten Years' Tenant. 



Dorothy Forster. Uncle Jack. 
Children of Gibeon. Herr Paulus. 
All Sorts and Conditions of Men. 
The Captains' Room. 
All in a Garden Fair. 
The World Went Very Well Then. 
For Faith and Freedom. 
To Call Her Mine. 



The Holy Rose. 
The Ivory Gate. 



The Bell of St. Paul's. 

Armorel of Lyonesse. 

St. Katherine's by the Tower. 

Verbena Camellia Stephanotis. 

BySHELSLEY BEAUCHAMI'. 

Grantley Grange. 

By AMBROSE BIERCE. 

In the Midst of Life. 

By FREDERICK BOYLE. 

Camp Notes. | Savage Life. 

Chronicles of No-man's Land. 

By BRET HARTft. 

Californian Stories. | Gabriel Conroy, 



An Heiress of Red Dog. 
The Luck of Roaring Camp. 
A Phyllis of the Sierras. 

By HAROLD BRYDGES. 
Uncle Sam at Home. 

By RO3>S<:EtT BUCHANAN. 
The Shadow of the The Martyrdom of 

Sword. 

A Child of Nature. 
Goji and the Man. 
Love Me for Ever. 
Foxglove Manor. 
The Master of the Mine. 

By HAL I, CAINE. 
The Shadow of a Crime. 
A Son of Hagar. | The Deemster. 

By Commander CAMERON. 
The Cruise of the "Black Prince." 
By Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON. 
Deceivers Ever. | Juliet's Guardian. 



Flip. 
Maruja. 



Madeline. 
Annan Water. 
The New Abelard. 
Matt. 
The Heir of Linne, 



BOOKS PUBLISHED BY 



TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued. 
By AUSTIN CI.ARE. 
For the Love of a Lass. 

By Sim. ARCHER CLIVE. 
Paul Ferroll. 
Why Paul Ferroll Killed his Wife. 

By MACLAREN COBBAN. 
The Cure of Souls. 

By C. ALLSTON COLLINS. 
The Bar Sinister. 

MORT. & FRANCES COLLINS. 
Sweet Anne Page. | Transmigration. 
From Midnight to Midnight. 
Fight with Fortune. | Village Comedy. 
Sweet and Twenty. | You Play me False. 
Blacksmith and Scholar. | Frances. 
By WILK1E COLLINS. 



My Miscellanies. 
Woman in White. 
The Moonstone. 
Man and Wife. 
Poor Miss Finch. 
The Fallen Leaves. 
Jezebel's Daughter 
The Slack Robe. 
Heart and Science. 
"I Say No." 
The Evil Genius. 
Little Novels. 
Legacy of Cain. 
Blind Love. 



Armadale. 
After Dark. 
No Name. 
Antonina. | Basil. 
Hide and Seek. 
The Dead Secret. 
Queen of Hearts. 
Miss or Mrs? 
New Magdalen. 
The Frozen Deep. 
Law and the Lady. 
The Two Destinies. 
Haunted Hotel. 
A Rogue's Life. 

By M. J. COLQUHOUN. 
Every Inch a Soldier. 

By BUTTON COOK. 
Leo. I Paul Foster's Daughter. 

By C. EGBERT CRAB-DOCK. 
Prophet of the Great Smoky Mountains. 

By MATT CRI1U. 
Adventures of a Fair Rebel. 

By B. M. CROKER. 
Pretty Miss Neville. I Bird of Passage. 
Diana Harrington. I Proper Pride. 
"To Let." I A Family Likeness. 
Br W. CYPLES Hearts of Gold. 

By ALPHONSE DAUDET. 
The Evangelist; or, Port Salvation. 
By ERASMUS DAWSOtV. 
The Fountain of Youth. 

By JAMES DE MILLE. 
A Castle in Spain. 

By .1. LEITH DERWENT. 
Our Lady of Tears. | Circe's Lovers. 

By CHARLES DICKENS. 
Sketches by Boz. I Oliver Twist. 
Pickwick Papers. | Nicholas Nickleby. 

By DICK DONOVAN. 
The Man-Hunter. | Caught at Last! 
Tracked and Taken. | Wanted J 
Who Poisoned Hetty Duncan? 
The Man from Manchester. 
A Detective's Triumphs. 
In the Grip of the Law. 
From Information Received. 
Tracked to Doom. | Link by Link. 
Suspicion Aroused. 

II y Mrs. ANNIE EDWARDES. 
A Point of Honour. | Archie Lovell. 

By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS. 
Felicia. I Kitty. 

By EDW. EGGLESTON. Roxy, 

By G. MANVILLE FENN. 
The New Mistress. 



TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued. 

By PERCY F1TZG EltALI). 
Bella Donna. I Polly. 

Never Forgotten. I Fatal Zero. 
The Second Mrs. Tillotson, 
Seventy-five Brooke Street. 
The Lady of Brantome. 
By P. FITZGERALD and others, 
Strange Secrets. 

ALBANY DE FONBLANQUE. 
Filthy Lucre. 

By R. E. FRANCILLON. 



Olympia. 
One by One. 
A Real Queen. 



Queen Cophetua. 
King or Knave? 
Romances of Law. 



By HAROLD FREDERICK. 

Seth's Brother's Wife. | Lawton Girl. 
Pref. by Sir BARTLE FRERE. 
Pandurang Hari. 
IIAIN FRISWELL. Oneof Two. 

By EDWARD GARRETT. 
The Capel Girls. 

By GILBERT GAUL. 
A Strange Manuscript. 

By CHARLES GIBBON 



Robin Gray. 
Fancy Free. 
For Lack of Gold. 
What will the 

World Say? 
In Love and War. 
For the King. 
In Pastures Green. 
Queen of Meadow. 
A Heart's Problem. 



In Honour Bound. 
Flower of Forest. 
Braes of Yarrow. 
The Golden Shaft. 
Of High Degree. 
Mead and Stream. 
Loving a Dream. 
A Hard Knot. 
Heart's Delight. 
Blood-Money. 



The Dead Heart. 

By WILLIAM GILBERT. 

Dr. Austin's Guests. I James Duke. 
The Wizard of the Mountain. 

By ERNEST GLANVILLE. 
The Lost Heiress. | The Fossicker. 
By HENRY GREVILLE. 
A Noble Woman. | Nikanor. 

By CECIL GRIFFITH. 
Corinthia Marazion. 

By JOHN HABBERTON. 
Brueton's Bayou. | Country Luck. 

By ANDREW 1IALLIDAY. 
Every-Day Papers. 

By Lady DUFF US HARDY. 
Paul Wynter s Sacrifice. 

By THOMAS HARDY. 
Under the Greenwood Tree. 
By J. BERWICK HARWOOD. 
The Tenth Earl. 
By JULIAN HAWTHORNE. 



Sebastian Strome. 

Dust. 

Beatrix Randolph, 

Love or a Name. 



Garth. 

Ellice Qnentin. 

Fortune's Fool. 

Miss Cadogna. 

David Poindexter's Disappearance. 

The Spectre of the Camera. 

By Sir ARTHUR HELPS. 
Ivan de Biron. 

By HENRY HERMAN. 
A Leading Lady. 

By HEADON HILL. 
Zambra the Detective. 
By JOHN K?ILL. Treason-Felony. 

By Mrs. CASHEL HOEY. 
The Lover's Creed, 



CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 



TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued. 
Ry Mr*. CJEORCJE HOOPER. 

Th6 



Twixt Love and Duty. 

By Mrs. HUN* ERFORO. 

A Maiden all Forlorn. 



In Durance Vile. 
Marvel. 



Bv Mrs. ALFRKI> 



A Mental Struggle. 
A Modern Circe. 



Self-Condemned. 
Leaden Casket. 



Thornicroft's Model. 

That Other Person. _ 

By JEAN INCJELOW. 
Fated to be Free. 
WM. JAMESON. My Dead Self. 

By HARRIETT JAY. 
Dark Colleen. I Queen of Connaught. 

Bv MARK KERSHAW. 
Colonial Facts and Fictions. 

By R. A* I IK KING. 
A Drawn Game. I Passion's Slave. 
"The Wearing of the Green." 
Bell Barry. 
By .10 BIN LEYS. The Lindsays. 

Ry E. LYNN LINTON. 



Paston Carew. 
"My Love!" 
lone. 



Patricia Ke nib all. 
World Well Lost. 

Under which Lord? 

The Atonement of Learn Dundas. 
With a Silken Thread. 
The Rebel of the Family. 
Sowing the Wind. 

By HENRY W. LUCY. 
Gideon Fleyce. 

By JUSTIN MCCARTHY. 



Donna Quixote. 
Maid of Athens. 
Camiola. 



A Fair Saxon. 

Linley Rochford. 

Miss Misanthrope. 

Dear Lady Disdain. 

The Waterdale Neighbours. 

My Enemy's Daughter. 

The Comet of a Season. 

By III ill MACCOLIj. 
Mr. Stranger's Sealed Packet. 

By ANES MACWONELL. 
Quaker Cousins. 

CATHARINE 8. 9IACQUOII>. 
The Evil Eye. | Lost Rose. 

By W. H. MALLOCJK. 
The New Republic. 
A Romance of the Nineteenth Century. 

By FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
Open! Sesame! | Fighting the Air. 
A Harvest of Wild Oats. 
Written In Fire. 

By J. MASTER MAN. 
Haifa-dozen Daughters. 

By BRANOER MATTHEWS. 
A Secret of the Sea. 

Jt> l,i<orv%ssl MERKICK. 
The Man who was Good. 

By JEAN MIWDLEMASS. 
Touch and Go. I Mr. Dorillion. 

By tlr*. MOLESWORTH. 
Hathercourt Rectory. 

By .1. E. tH IHMM 54. 
Stories Weird and Wonderful. 
The Dead Man's Secret. 
From the Bosom of the Deep. 

By MURRAY anil HERMAN. 
One Traveller Returns. 
Paul Jones's Alias. | The Bishops' Bible. 



TWO-SHILLING NOVELS cum unit it. 
By I>. CHRSST1E MURRAY. 

A Model Father. Old Blazer's Hero. 



Hearts. 

Way of the World. 

Cynic Fortune. 



Joseph's Coat 
Coals of Fire. 
Yal Strange. 
A Life's Atonement. 
By the Gate of the Sea. 
A Bit of Human Nature. 
First Person Singular. 
Bob Martin's Little Girl. 

By HENRY MURRAY. 
A Game of Bluff. | A Song of Sixpence. 

By HUME NISBET. 
" Bail Up ! " | Dr. Bernard St. Vincent. 

By ALICE O'HANLON. 
The Unforeseen. | Chance? or Fate? 

By GEORGES OHNET. 
Dr. Rameau. | Last Love. | Weird Gift. 

By Mrs. OLIPHANT. 
Whiteladies. | The Primrose Path. 

The Greatest Heiress in England. 
ISy Mrs. ROBERT O'REILLY. 
Phoebs's Fortunes. 

By OSJIOA. 



Held In Bondage. 
Strathmore. 
Chandos. | Idalia. 
Under Two Flags. 
CecilCastlemaine's 

Gage. 

Tricotrin. | Puck. 
Folle Farine. 
A Dog of Flanders 
Pascarel. 

Slgna. [Ine. 

Princess Naprax- 
In a Winter City. 
Ariadne. 
MARGARET 



Two Little Wooden 

Shoes. 
Friendship. 
Moths. ! Bimbi. 
Pipistrello. [mune. 
A Village Corn- 
Wanda. | Othmar. 
Frescoes. 
In Maremma. 
Guilderoy. 
Rutfino. | Syrlin. 
Santa Barbara. 
Ouida's Wisdom, 
Wit, and Pathos. 
AGNES PAUL. 



Gentle and Simple. 

By JA.tlES PAYN. 



Bentinck's Tutor. 

Murphy's Master. 

A County Family. 

At Her Mercy. 

Cecil's Tryst. 

Clyffards of Clyffe. 

Foster Brothers. 

Found Dead. 

Best of Husbands. 

Walter's Word. 

Halves. 

Fallen Fortunes. 

Humorous Stories. 

200 Reward. 

Marine Residence. 

Mirk Abbey. 

Lost Sir Massingberd. 

A Woman's Vengeance. 

The Family Scapegrace. 

Gwendoline's Harvest. 

Like Father, Like Son. 

Married Beneath Him. 

Not Wooed, but Won. 

Less Black than We're Painted 

Some Private Views. 

A Grape from a Thorn. 

The Mystery of Mirbridge. 

The Word and the Will. 

h Prince of the Blood. 



By Proxy.) 
Under One Roof. 
High Spirits. 
Carlyon's Year. 
From Exile. 
For Cash Only. 
Kit. 

The Canon's Ward 
Talk of the Town. 
Holiday Tasks. 
A Perfect Treasure. 
What He Cost Her. 
Confidential Agent. 
Glow-worm Tales. 
The Burnt Million. 
Sunny Stories. 



BOOKS PUBLISHED BY CHATTO & WINDUS. 



'j. 



^ to/;; 



-- - . 

By C. L. PIRKB*. 

Lady Lovelace. 

By EDGAI? A. POE. 

The Mystery of Marie Roget. 
By Mrs. CAMP 35 8^1,6. PRAED. 

The Romance of a Station. 
The Soul of Countess Adrian. 
By E. . PRIJE. 
Yalentina. I The Foreigners. 

Mrs. Lancaster's Rival. | Gerald. 

By f&ICIIAKU PRYCE. 
Hiss Maxwell's Affections. 

By CHARLES REAE. 
It is Never Too Late to Mend. 
Christie Johnstone. | Double Marriage. 
Put Yourself in His Place. 
Love Me Little, Love Me Long. 
The Cloister and the Hearth. 
The Course of True Love. | The Jilt. 
Autobiography of a Thief. 
A Terrible Temptation. | Foul Play. 
The Wandering Heir. | Hard Cash. 
Singleheart and Doubleface. 
Good Stories of Men and other Animals. 
Peg Woffington. A Simpleton. 
Griffith Gaunt. Readiana. 
A Perilous Secret. A Woman-Hater. 

By Mrs. J. II. RIDDEL L. 
Weird Stories. | Fairy Water. 
Her Mother's Darling. 
Prince of Wales's Garden Party. 
The Uninhabited House. 
The Mystery in Palace Gardens. 
The Nun's Curse. | Idle Tales. 
By AMELIE RIVES. 
Barbara Dering. 

By F. W. ROBINSON. 
Women are Strange. 
The Hands of Justice. 

By JAMES* RUWCIML&.N. 
Skippers and Shellbacks. 
Grace Balmaign's Sweetheart. 
Schools and Scholars. 

By W. CLARK RUSSELL. 
Round the Galley Fire. 
On the Fo'k'sle Head. 
In the Middle Watch. 
A Voyage to the Cape. 
A Book for the Hammock. 
The Mystery of the "Ocean Star." 
The Romance of Jenny Harlowe. 
An Ocean Tragedy. 
My Shipmate Louise. 
Alone on a Wide Wide Sea. 
GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA. 
Gaslight and Daylight. 

By JOHN LAUNDERS. 
Guy Waterman. | Two Dreamers. 
The Lion in the Path. 
15 v KATHARINE SAUNI>ERS. 



Heart Salvage. 
Sebastian. 



Joan Merryweather. 
The High Mills. 
Margaret and Elizabeth. 

By GEORGE K. SIMS. 

Rogues and Vagabonds. 

The Ring o' Bells. 

Mary Jane's Memoirs. 

Mary Jane Married. 

Tales of To-day. | Dramas of Life. 

Tinkletop's Crime. 

Zeph. | My Two Wives. 



Two- o HILLING NovtLS continued. 

By ARTHUR SKETCHLEV. 
A Match in the Dark. 

By HAWLEY SMART. 

Without Love or Licence. 

By T. W. SPEIGHT.; 

The Mysteries of Heron Dyke. 



The Golden Hoop. 
Hoodwinked, &c. 



By Devious Ways. 
Back to Life. 



The Loudwater Tragedy. 
Burgo's Romance. 

By R. A. STERN DA I.E. 
The Afghan Knife. 

By R. LOUIS STEVENSON. 
New Arabian Nights, j Prince Otto. 
BY BERTHA THOMAS. 
Cressida. | Proud Maisie. | Violin-player. 

By WALTER THORNBURY. 
Tales for Marines. Old Stories Re-told. 

T. ADOLPHUS TROLLOPE. 
Diamond Cat Diamond. 
By F. ELEANOR TROLLOPE. 
Like Ships upon the Sea. 
Anne Furness. I Mabel's Progress. 

By ANTHONY TROLLOPE. 
Fran Frohmann. I Kept in the Dark. 
Marion Fay. I John Caldigate. 

Way We Live Now. | Land-Leaguers. 
The American Senator. 
Mr. Scarborough's Family. 
The Golden Lion of Granpere. 

By JT. T. TROWRRIDGE. 
Farnell's Folly. 

By IVAN TURGENIEFF, Arc. 
Stories from Foreign Novelists. 
By MARK TWAIN. 
A Pleasure Trip on the Continent. 
The Gilded Age. | Huckleberry Finn. 
Mark Twain's Sketches. 
Tom Sawyer. | A Tramp Abroad. 

The Stolen White Elephant. 
Life on the Mississippi. 
The Prince and the Pauper. 
A Yankee at the Court of King Arthur. 

By C. C. FRASER-TYTLER. 
Mistress Judith. 

By SARAH TYTLER. 



Noblesse Oblige. 
Disappeared. 
Huguenot Family. 
Blackball Ghosts. 



The Bride's Pass. 

Buried Diamonds. 

Saint Mungo'sCity. 

Lady Bell. 

What She Came Through. 

Beauty and the Beast. 

Citoyenne Jaqueline. 

By AAROlM WATSON and 
LILLIAS WASSERMANN. 

The Marquis of Carabas. 

By WILLIAM WESTALL. 

Trust-Money. 

Bv Mrs. F. II. WILLIAMSON. 

A Child Widow. 

By J. S. WINTER. 

Cavalry Life. I Regimental Legends. 
By H. F. WOOD. 

The Passenger from Scotland Yard. 

The Englishman of the Rue Cain. 
By Lndy WOOD. Sabina. 

CELIA PARKER WOOLLEY. 

Rachel Armstrong; or, Love & Theology 
By EDMUND YATES. 

The Forlorn Hope. | Land at Last. 

Castaway. 



COOS*, BMALK 



CO. LIUITKD, pmWTBmi, OKKAT BATTBOH KILL,