THE BRANCH
tFEREHCE
Gilbert:
- 3.
- ; *.*JI
\
\
Crown 8 w, cloth extra, 3^. 6d.
THE SAVOY OPERA.
BY PERCY FITZGERALD.
WITH SIXTY ILLUSTRATIONS AND PORTRAITS.
" ' The Savoy Opera ' promises a present interest and a permanent value. . . .
In no sense does the work disappoint anticipation. Mr. Fitzgerald brings to his
task, not only a keen appreciation of the humours and conceits of words and
music which have distinguished this special class of entertainment, but also
exhibits in no meagre degree the cultured taste and confident judgment of a
critic of ripe experience. ... I would gladly linger over this timely volume,
which contains a vast amount of information. It has special claims to attention,
inasmuch as it is the first serious attempt to give a consecutive review of an
operatic era of great importance." Sun.
" A pleasant record of a novel and indigenous form of operatic entertainment."
Times.
" A long and varied experience of theatrical matters enables Mr. Fitzgerald to
treat of the stage and its doings in the most entertaining manner. . , . Lovers
of the Savoy will be very grateful." Lady s Pictorial,
" Mr. Fitzgerald's latest work amply bears out his presumption that a record
of this pleasant home of song and humour would be welcome. The little
volume is as complete as possible ; the author has collected everything about
the plays, authors, and performers that is likely to be interesting." World.
" Mr. Fitzgerald writes lightly, and his narrative makes interesting reading,
enriched as it is by very many illustrations of scenes and characters from the
operas." St. James's Budget.
" With its copies of the originals, its portraits, and scenes from the operas, the
volume will serve for reference." Daily Chronicle.
" It was a happy thought on the part of Mr. Percy Fitzgerald to relate the
history of ' The Savoy Opera ' in the attractive volume with that name. . . .
Mr. Fitzgerald has a good deal that is of interest to tell us," Daily News.
" There is a store of facts in the volume culled from newspaper notices and
magazine articles ; there are exact copies of the first-night programmes of each
opera." Era.
"The very name of Mr. Fitzgerald's book, 'The Savoy Opera,' is so sug-
gestive of amusement that among grateful opera-goers it is sure to be much
sought after." Sketch.
"An entertaining volume. . . . Mr. Fitzgerald has collected everything
likely to be interesting about the author and composer. ... It will be read
with very lively interest." Leeds Mercury.
" Many things likely to be interesting to play-goers are related about the
authors and leading performers, and most of the actors and actresses who have
figured on the boards of the Savoy are passed in review. Extracts are given
from the various operas, and the book altogether serves as an agreeable souvenir
of the Gilbert-Sullivan collaboration." Morning Post.
"Altogether, pretty pictures and neat writing go to make up an entertaining
volume." St. James's Gazette.
LONDON : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
a
THE MAYFAIR LIBRARY.
Post 8vo, doth limp, 2s. 61. per volume.
A JOURNEY ROUND MY ROOM. By XAVIER DE MAISTRE.
QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. By W. D. ADAMS.
THE AGONY COLUMN OF "THE TIMES."
MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED : an Abridgment of " Burton's
Anatomy of Melancholy."
POETICAL INGENUITIES. By W. T. DOBSON.
THE CUPBOARD PAPERS. By FIN-BEC.
W. S. GILBERT'S ORIGINAL PLAYS. THREE SERIES.
SONGS OF IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR. Edited by A.
PERCEVAL GRAVES.
ANIMALS AND THEIR MASTERS. By Sir A. HELPS.
SOCIAL PRESSURE. By Sir A. HELPS.
CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. By H. J. JENNINGS.
THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. By
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. With Illustrations.
PENCIL AND PALETTE. By R. KEMPT.
LITTLE ESSAYS : from CHARLES LAMB'S Letters.
FORENSIC ANECDOTES. By JACOB LARWOOD.
THEATRICAL ANECDOTES. By JACOB LARWOOD.
JEUX D'ESPRIT. Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH.
WITCH STORIES. By E. LYNN LINTON.
OURSELVES. By E. LYNN LINTON.
PASTIMES AND PLAYERS. By R. MACGREGOR.
THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. By W. H. MALLOCK.
THE NEW REPUBLIC. By W. H. MALLOCK.
PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. C. PENNELL.
PEGASUS RE-SADDLED. By H. C. PENNELL.
THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Edited by H. C. PENNELL.
THOREAU: His Life and Aims. By H. A. PAGE.
PUNIANA. By The Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
MORE PUNIANA. By The Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
THE PHILOSOPHY OF HANDWRITING.
BY STREAM AND SEA. By W. SENIOR.
LEAVES FROM A NATURALIST'S NOTE-BOOK. By
Dr. ANDREW WILSON.
LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
ORIGINAL PLAYS
BY W. S. GILBERT
UNIFORM WITH THE PRESENT VOLUME.
IK TWO STYLES OF BINDING.
Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6<1. each.
W. S. GILBERT'S PLAYS.
FIRST SERIES,
Containing: " The Wicked World," "Pygmalion and
Galatea," "Charity," "The Princess," "The Palace
of Truth," " Trial by Jury."
SECOND SERIES,
Containing : " Broken Hearts," " Engaged," " Sweet-
hearts," "Gretchen," " Dan'l Druce," " Tom Cobb,"
"H.M.S. Pinafore," "The Sorcerer," " The Pirates of
Penzance."
LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY.
ORIGINAL PLAYS
BY
W. S. GILBERT
THIRD SERIES
CONTAINING
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY, FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN
PATIENCE, PRINCESS IDA, THE MIKADO
RUDDIGORE, THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD
THE GONDOLIERS, THE MOUNTEBANKS
UTOPIA LIMITED
EL o n to o n
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1895
n LL.
S 5 2 Z- CITY OF MEW YORK ' '
v. 3
J! 84986
v
CONTENTS.
PAGE
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY . . 1
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY . . 19
ROSENCRANTZ AND GuiLDENSTERN . 75
PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 91
PRINCESS IDA; OR, CASTLE ADAMANT . 131
THE MIKADO; OR, THE TOWN OP TITIPU 175
RUDDIGORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE . . . 217
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR, THE MERRYMAN AND
HIS MAID ....... 261
THE GONDOLIERS ; OK, THE KING OF BARATARIA . . 307
THE MOUNTEBANKS . . . 353
UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR, THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS . . 405
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY,
v,
AN ORIGINAL DRAMA,
IN ONE ACT.
first performed at the Lyceum Theatre, London,
Saturday, January 2&(h, 1884.
ill,
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Due D'ORLEAXS, Regent of France
D'AULXAY, Clarice's Husband
DOCTOR CIIOQUART ...
ABBE DUBOIS ...
DE GRAXCY
DE LA FERTE
DE COURCELLES
VlSCOMTE DE MAU/UX
DE BROGLIO
JosEnr, a Servant
PAULIXK, Clarice's Sister
CLARICE, an Actress ...
MR. J. II. BARXES.
MR. G. ALEXAXDER.
MR. E. F. EDGAR.
MR. E. T. MARCH.
MR. F. GRIFFIX.
MR. A. LEWIS.
MR. F. RAPHEAL.
MR. N. CIUSXELL.
MR. G. LEWIS.
MR. W. RUSSELL.
Miss O'REILLY.
Miss MARY AXDERSOX.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
SCENE. Apartment in CLARICE'S house ; night. A glass door
opens on to a garden. The room is lighted as if for a
reception.
As the curtain rises, JOSEPH enters, ushering PAULINE, in
travelling-dress. She is much agitated.
Paul, {removing her hat, veil, and cloaJc). Where is my
sister ? I must see her at once.
Jos. Madame is dressing.
Paul. Dressing? Is she going out to-night?
Jos. No, Mademoiselle ; Madame has a supper-party at home.
Paul, Her husband Monsieur d'Aulnay where is he?
Jos. Monsieur d'Aulnay ? Oh, has not Mademoiselle heard ?
Paul, (much agitated). It is true then they are separated ?
Jos. Alas, Mademoiselle, too true !
Paul. It is terrible terrible ! They loved each other so
dearly, and they have not been married a year.
Jos. Indeed, Monsieur seemed devoted to Madame.
Paul. Seemed ! Did he not give up his commission in the
Royal Body Guard and take service as a humble actor that he
might be near her? Did he not forego rank, wealth, friends,
everything that he might marry her? And now, after one
short year, their love is dead and they are strangers ! When
did this dreadful separation take place ?
Jos. A week ago, yesterday.
Paul, (rises). And my sister gives a supper-party to-night I
Why, the scandal will be known all over Paris to-morrow !
Jos. Alas ! Mademoiselle, it is already a matter of common
gossip !
Paul. And whom does she expect to-night?
Jos. Well, Mademoiselle must know, sooner or later. They
are not such guests as Madame has been in the habit of
receiving, or as Monsieur would approve if he were here.
4 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Madame expects, among others, Monsieur de la Fere, the Abbe
Dubois, Monsieur de la Forte', and, I regret to add, the Regent,
Monseigneur le Due d'Orleans.
Paul. The Due d'Orleans! Do I understand you that my
sister has invited the Eegent to sup with her? Oh, you must
have been misinformed !
Jos. Mademoiselle, it is, unhappily, too true! I had it from
Madame's own lips. I will send word to her that Mademoiselle
awaits her. \_Exit JOSEPH.
Paul. The Due d'Orleans! The villain whose insolent
admiration of her is a bye-word throughout Paris! The
libertine who dared to couple her fair name with lies unspeak-
able, whose disgraceful attentions have embittered her life and
her husband's for twelve months past ! This man coming to
sup with her to-night ! Oh, it cannot be, it cannot be !
(PAULINE starts up, hearing CLARICE.)
Clar. (as she enters and descends staircase). Mind, plenty
of wine, plenty of music, and plenty of light, and, above all
things, remember that, after my guests have arrived, no one is
to interrupt us. (CLARICE hurriedly makes for the door leading
to garden. As her hand is on the lock she sees PAULINE. She
is much agitated, but with an effort recovers herself.) Pauline !
you here ? Why, my darling child, this is indeed a surprise !
What do you do in this city of iniquity, you little innocent
country primrose ? Who has picked you and brought you into
this perilous atmosphere ? And why ? Come ! Tell me all
about it !
Paul. Clarice, I came in great haste because I heard that
you were unhappy. It seems that in that, at least, I was mis-
informed.
Clar. (bitterly}. Unhappy ! Yes. I am unhappy or should
"be, if I stopped to think. But (with forced gaiety} I don't
stop to think. I don't give myself time to think. I take
things as I find them, and I make the best of them. Ha ! ha !
ha ! That's true philosophy, Pauline. Of course you have
heard what has taken place. Well, it's a pity, but it could not
be helped.
Paul. But what in the world has caused this calamity ?
Clar. Oh, I hardly know! No great thing many small
things ; things ridiculous in detail, but serious in the aggregate.
Besides, you forget I have been married a year, and a year is
a long time in Paris.
Paul. A long time ! And you loved him so dearly !
Clar. Ye es oh yes I certainly loved D'Aulnay in my
way once.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 5
Paul. Once !
Clar. Yes. A pretty fellow whom one sees once a week for
an hour one loves but a pretty fellow whom one sees every
day for a year! My dear Pauline, you've not tried it. Besides
haven't you heard ? Husbands are going out they are not
to be worn at all this season.
Paul, (reproachfully). Clarice !
Glar. Why one must be in the fashion, child! Next season,
perhaps or the next but one they may come in again. Well,
in that case I have D'Aulnay's address.
Paul. Will he come, do you think, when he learns the
Regent is an invited guest at your house?
Clar. Oh, you have heard that. Well, I confess I see a dif-
ficulty there D'Aulnay is so straightlaced. Monsieur d'Orleans
is a man of fashion, and is, perhaps, rather too much accustomed
to look on women as playthings. ( This is said with involuntary
and half-concealed bitterness^) It is his only weakness. Let
us be charitable, and look over it.
Paul. I cannot express the distress with which I listen to
such sentiments. I can scarcely believe that they are uttered
by the Clarice whose purity of life has shamed the attacks even
of her unmanly persecutor. Think what you are losing!
Hitherto even those who condemn the stage as infamous have
excepted you from their sweeping denunciations. (Goes to
her.} For Heaven's sake pause before you risk the proud and
honoured position you have attained !
Clar. (Utterly). Proud ! Honoured ! Bah ! You play with
words. I am an actress by law proscribed, by the Church
excommunicated ! While I live women gather their skirts
about them as I pass ; when I die I am to be buried, as dogs
are buried, in unholy ground. (PAULINE turns away in grief.)
In the mean time, I am the recognized prey of the spoiler the
traditional property of him who will best pay for me: an
actress, with a body, God help her ! but without a soul : un-
recognized by the State, abjured by the Church, and utterly
despised of all ! In the face of these compliments, believe me,
it is not easy to preserve one's self-respect, Pauline.
Paul. But the Eegent who has insulted you unspeakably
whose liveried servants have actually attempted to carry you
away from your husband's arms, and who has treated his
repeated challenges with cowardly and contemptuous silence
is this man to be an honoured guest at your table ?
Clar. Ah, my dear, a pretty woman must not bear too hardly
upon those whose heads her beauty has turned. Monsieur le Due
has been imprudent reckless culpable if you will; but then,
6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
remember, the poor fellow is in love. If you put a kettle of
water on the fire, it is not the fault of the water if it boils it
is the fault of the fire, my dear ! As to my husband's challenges,
why, notwithstanding his noble birth and his services in the
Royal Body Guard, he is now but a stage-player a mummer
a vagabond. Would you have the Regent of France condescend
to meet a vagabond ! No ! He must draw the line somewhere ;
and he draws it at vagabonds' wives !
Paul. I see that my mission is fruitless. I will go. (Resuming
her mantle.}
Clar. Yes, better go, my child. The scene that is to come
is one that perhaps you had better not see.
Paul. I can believe it. Adieu, Clarice. I came in hope
that I might yet save my sister. I go, broken-hearted that my
sister should be beyond saving ! [Exit PAULINE.
[CLARICE watches PAULINE off, then locks the door by
which she has gone out, and hurriedly opens the door
leading to the garden.
Clar. D'Aulnay ! My husband ! Quick !
D'AULNAY enters from garden.
D'Aul. My darling wife ! (embraces her). Is it certain that
we shall not be interrupted ?
Clar. Quite certain ! I have locked the only door by which
any one could surprise us.
D'Aul. And is all ready ?
Clar. All is ready.
D'Aul. The story of our separation is accepted ?
Clar. Implicitly. I have made no secret of it, believe me.
There is not a soul about the Court who does not believe that
my love for you is dead, and that we are parted for ever.
[CLARICE and D'AULNAY seated.
D'Aul. And the Regent the Due d'Orleans ?
Clar. Oh, he has fallen readily enough into the snare. I
did as you bade me. I gave out, far and near, that I was
weary of the humdrum respectability of sober married life-
that, being free again, I intended to take my own course and
enjoy myself. To disarm suspicion, I invited a dozen of his
friends the Abbe Dubois, De Courcelles, De la Ferte and
others and eventually the Regent himself: humbly, and with
a sense of what was due from such as I to such as he, I invited
the Regent himself! D'Aulnay, he will be here in half an
hour.
D'Aul. At last! At last! Oh, my child, how long and
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. ^
how bitterly have we waited for this ! Tortured as I have
been by the agony of impotent fury goaded into frenzy by the
sense of my utter helplessness under an accumulation of
intolerable insult ; and then to find him at last helpless and at
my mercy ! It is a revenge that is almost satisfying ! In half
an hour I shall be avenged, or beyond the reach of vengeance.
If I fall, my poor Clarice
Clar. (rises). No, no. For God's sake keep that thought
from me, or my resolution will give way ! If I am to go
through with this, I must nerve myself to it by every means
at my command! I must keep before me his repeated,
his incessant insults at the theatre in the streets nay, at
my very door. I must remember his threats, his letters, his
dastardly attempt to take me from you by force, and his mean
and cowardly evasion when brought by you to book. It is
enough to remember these things, for, when I do so, my blood
is a-fire, and I am as brave as you are.
D'Aul. My darling ! (Embrace. Noise of carriage-wheels
heard without.)
Clar. Hush ! They are coming ! You must go now.
When they have all arrived, I will contrive to detain him
here alone ! Oh, it will not be difficult ! Wait in the garden,
and watch your opportunity. Never fear but that it will
come !
D'Aul. God bless my darling, and give her courage !
Clar. I have it, D'Aulnay ! Fear not for me I am brave
as a man ! Farewell !
\IIe embraces her, and exit into garden. Voices hear
laughing and talking ivithout.
Clar. They are coming ! If he should be with them ! It
he should come fraught with death to my love ! But there,
this won't do. Courage, Clarice, courage ! Remember the part
you have to play !
Enter JOSEPH, announcing.
Jos. Monsieur de la Ferte, Monsieur de Courcelles, and his
Excellency the Yicomte de Mauzun.
Enter the three Gentlemen named (severally).
Clar. (with great gaiety}. Ah ! Monsieur de la Ferte, over-joyed,
indeed, to see you how kind of you to come ! I'm a lone widow
now, and must be consoled. De Courcelles? No, no, I'm not
going to call you Monsieur de Conrcellcs. (COURCELLES lows
and sits.) If we're not old friends now, we shall be some day,
8 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
and we'll discount the intimacy that is to be. Mauzun! Of
all men Mauzun ! Now this is indeed delightful ! (MAUZUN
lows ceremoniously.} Ah, bah ! how you great people bow and
scrape, and how we little people laugh at you for it ! Come, let's
all be little people to-night ?
Mauzun. We are indeed little people in the presence of
Madame D'Aulnay.
Clar. Clarice ! Clarice, if you love me. D'Aulnay's gone,
and let his name go with him. (MAUZUN "bows and converses
with COURCELLES.) May it do him more good than it did
me. Ha! ha! I believe, though, that ladies and gentle-
men of the dignified aristocracy don't get to Christian names
all at once.
La Ferte. Well, not all at once, perhaps ; but we generally
get to them in time.
Clar. Ah ! then we of the coulisses begin with them. We
only come to surnames when we quarrel, which we don't mean
to do, do we?
He-enter JOSEPH, announcing, followed ly the ABBE DUBOIS and
MONSIEUR DE GRANCY.
Jos. Monsieur 1'Abbe Dubois, Monsieur de Grancy.
Clar. Monsieur le Ministre, your very good servant to com-
mand. De Grancy, I'm overjoyed to see you. His Koyal
Highness ? Will he come ?
Dub. His Royal Highness will be here shortly, but unhappily
his stay will be but brief.
Clar. It is well he will come. It is most kind of him
to condescend to visit my humdrum home ! But I don't intend
to be humdrum any more. Will you teach me how not to be
humdrum ?
Dub. Alas, Madame! I have no pretensions to teach
experts.
Clar. No pretensions. The Abbe Dubois the great con-
versationalist, the brilliant epigrammatist ! What was that
you said about poor Clopin, the dramatic critic, who wrote a
bad play that Clopin forgot that his mission was not to write
plays, but to teach people how to write plays. I'd have given
a week's salary to have said that !
Dub. Madame, it is difficult not to be epigrammatic when
one speaks of a dramatic author. (Sits.)
He-enter JOSEPH.
Jos. Monsieur de Broglio and Monsieur le Docteur Choquart.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Enter the Gentlemen named.
Clar. Welcome, De Broglio. AVhy, Doctor my dear, deal-
Doctor, I had no idea that you were in Paris! Why, how
grave you are ! This is not a professional visit. You look as
glum as if you had come to attend a patient in extremis!
Doct. Shall I confess to you, Madame, that I am attending
one who, I fear, is in a very dangerous state.
Clar. (aside). What do you mean ? As I am in perfect
health, I must suppose that you are employing a figure of
speech.
[ The guests are conversing in groups during this, till the
Due D'ORLEANS is announced.
Doct. It is no figure of speech so to describe a good and
virtuous lady who, for the first time in her life, is playing
hostess to the roues of the Palais Koyal.
Clar. Doctor, you presume on your footing in my house.
Doct. Madame, I am D'Aulnay's friend.
Clar. Then what do 'you here ? These are not D'Aulnay'.s
friends.
Doct, I am here to protect you.
Clar. I need no protector. Trust me, I can protect myself!
Re-enter JOSEPH, announcing.
Jos. His Royal Highness the Regent of France.
Enter the Due D'ORLEANS attended lyfour Gentlemen. All
rise ; the guests bow ceremoniously.
Duke. Madame, I have the honour to salute you.
Clar. (curtseying formally'). Your Royal Highness is too
good. I am indeed honoured by Monseigneur's visit. That my
poor house should be so complimented is a distinction of which
I may be permitted to be vain.
Duke. If it be indeed a distinction, it is one that I would
gladly have conferred many months since, had I been permitted
to do so.
Clar. Ah, Monseigneur, be generous. You know how I was
situated ; my husband
Duke. Ah, the selfishness of these husbands ! They are the
curse of enterprise !
Clar. Nay, be just to them ; if there were no husbands there
would be no enterprise.
Duke. No doubt. How true it is that nothing, however
10 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
insignificant, was created without an object. Even husbands
have their value in the economy of nature. (Converses with the
other guests.)
Clar. Come, gentlemen, let us adjourn to the drawing-room.
We shall find cards, dice, and wine ready for us. Monsieur le
Ministre, we'll follow you ; but surely, I forget : your Koyal
Highness should have led the way. Oh, forgive my inex-
perience ! (The guests, some of whom have already ascended
the staircase, begin to enter the room above, in conversation with
each other as they go off.) Monseigneur will perhaps permit
me to take his arm ?
Duke. With every pleasure, Madame.
\By this time the party have all disappeared, and CLARICE
is alone on the stage with the DUKE.
Clar. Stop one moment my smelling-bottle.
Duke. Clarice why, you are fainting. (She leans on table by
stairs.)
Clar. No, no ; it is nothing ; I am subject to this. I shall
be strong again directly. May I trouble you to open the
window ?
Duke. By all means. (He opens the doors leading to the
garden.)
Clar. Thank you. How the air refreshes rne ! I am better
now. Let us follow the others.
Duke. No not yet, Clarice. Sit down here, with me, for
a few minutes. The fresh air will revive you.
Clar. Then pray join your friends. I will follow presently.
I am better, indeed.
Duke. Nay ; I must remain to watch the effect of my
prescription.
Clar. But what will they say ? Your friends will remark
our absence !
Duke. Have no fear. My friends are not in the habit of
canvassing my proceedings. (Sits beside her.) They are happy
enough without us. Let us be happy without them.
Clar. I am very happy.
Duke. And so there is an end of D'Aulnay at last ?
Clar. Yes ; I suppose so ! Poor D'Aulnay. They say he
is at Marseilles.
Duke. Why do you sigh ? Are you sorry for him ?
Clar. A little, perhaps. But I'm sure I gave him every
chance. I bore with him for a year.
Duke. What forbearance !
Clar. At first he was well enough. I mean, that when we
quarrelled, he owned I was right, and gave in. That did very
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. II
well. Then he vowed I was wrong but gave in. Well, that
was endurable. But at length it came to this, that he vowed
I was wrong, and he wouldn't give in. So, of course, we
parted. Still, he was not a bad fellow his faults were mere
faults of temper.
Duke. Madame, he has my profound consideration. I am
told that he is in the habit of expressing angry sentiments
towards me indeed, he has, on more than one occasion, done
me the honour of suggesting that I should cross swords with
him. It distressed me that I was unable to gratify him, but
under the artificial conditions of modern society, it was un-
happily impossible. I can conceive a highly rarefied state of
civilization in which it might be permitted to high and low
to run each other through the body without distinction of
rank ; but to that Utopian condition we have unhappily not
yet arrived. (Rises.) When we do, I shall be pleased to
oblige him ; but in the mean time the only balm I am per-
mitted to pour into his wounded soul is the assurance of my
profound consideration.
Clar. Still, duke, D'Aulnay is a man of noble birth.
Duke. Clarice, he is an actor.
Clar. He became an actor for love of me.
Duke. Pie did well and wisely. But when he resigned his
commission in the Body Guard, and took to the stage for his
living, he did me the injury of placing it out of my power to
recognize him as a gentleman.
Clar. Well, enough of D'Aulnay. Let us leave him alone.
Duke. With all my heart. (Returns, sits as before.} I trust
that he will return the compliment. (Taking her hand.}
Clar. Nay, duke, you go too far.
Duke. You are not in earnest when you say that. You
cannot be angry with me for loving you. (Putting his arm round
her ivaist.}
Clar. No, no, duke, I cannot allow this. Pray be careful ;
we shall be overheard.
Duke. Nay, Clarice, you shall hear me now. For months
you have received my homage with indignation, or with what
is still harder to bear, with silence. Maddened by my passion
I forgot what was due to you ay, and to myself. You dis-
missed me with contempt, and you were right, and I loved
you for it. Your eyes flashed scorn upon me. I deserved it,
and I loved you for it. Your lips withered with their con-
tempt. I had earned it, and I loved you for it.
Clar. Nay, duke have pity have pity !
Duke. After a bitter time of sickening disappointment, I am
12 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
raised to a pinnacle of happiness by this invitation. I take
it as an overture of peace am I wrong? I take it as a token
of reconciliation am I wrong? (D'ArjLNAY appears through
open door.') I take it as an admission that you can pity
forgive love. Tell me, am I wrong ?
D'Aul. Yes, M. le Due d'Orleans, you are wrong !
Duke, (starting to his feet after a pause). This is a trap.
Clar. (rises). Yes, sir, it is a trap.
Duke. You have deceived me cheated me !
Clar. Yes I have deceived you cheated you.
Duke. Why have you done this, actress ?
D'Aul. I, actor, will tell you. For more than a year, you,
the Due d'Orleans, Eegent of France, strong in the security
of a rank which I tell you, sir, you sully and degrade, have
blighted our home-happiness as with the breath of an obscene
pestilence. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have acted
like a knave. You have dared to assume that, because my
wife is an actress, you would find her the easy prey of your
carrion instincts. In this, sir, you, Regent of France, have
acted like a madman. When, goaded to frenzy by your in-
cessant insults, I tried to bring you to book, you entrenched
yourself behind your dignity, and declined to recognize me.
In this, sir, you, Regent of France, acted like a coward.
Thrice have I challenged you, and thrice have you ignored
my challenge. I have stooped to this trap that I might lure
you into a confidence that would place you at my command.
And, sir, I command you to fight me!
Duke. If I refuse?
D'Aul. If you refuse, I will whip you like a dog. (Tarns to
CLARICE.)
Duke. A strong measure.
D'Aul. I hope so.
Duke (after a pause). Hark ye, sirrah, I am not in the
habit of explaining my course of action, and if I do so now,
it is that you may understand how little your threats affect
me. I refused to fight you because you are an actor, pro-
scribed by the State, excommunicated by the Church a
statutory vagabond and a social outcast. If a scullion were
to challenge me, I should so far recognize him as to have him
flogged. An actor is entitled to no recognition at all. Now,
sir, you have your answer. Stand aside and let me pass !
D'Aul. Stay. As you say, I am an actor, and the law
proscribes me. As an actor I have just attained the summit
of an actor's ambition an engagement at the Theatre Francais,
and that engagement is here. (Taking out a paper.} Well, sir,
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 13
I destroy that engagement (tearing it up ; throws it at his feet),
aud, on the honour of an officer and a gentleman, I will never
set foot upon the stage again. Now, sir, I am no longer an
actor. I have resumed my rank, aud you cannot refuse to
fight me.
Duke. It shall be as you wish. I only stipulate that it shall
never be known to any but our three selves that I have con-
descended to meet a person of your calling.
IfAul. Sir, the degradation I am about to inflict upon you
shall never be published by either of us.
Duke. Good! But one word. (To CLARICE.) Madame, I
am free to admit that I have wronged you and your husband,
and I should be loth to do further injury to yourself or to him.
But, Madame, it is right that you should, as you are your
husband's accomplice in this scheme of revenge, know that
I am an unerring swordsman, and if I fight your husband 1
kill him.
Clar. (after a pause). Monsieur le Due, you must fight.
Duke. So be it. When and where ?
D'Aul. Now, in this garden.
Duke. You are mad. The house is full of my friends.
Clar. Have no fear of them. I will take upon myself to
say that they shall not interfere. I charge myself with the
task of keeping their attention engaged until the issue is
known.
Duke. As you please. Have the goodness, sir, to show the
way. Madame, I regret that you compel me to atone for the
reparable wrong I have done you, by inflicting upon you an
injury that nothing can repair. Accept the assurance of my
sympathy.
[Exeunt DUKE into garden ; D'AULNAY embraces
CLARICE, and follows.
Clar. What have I done ? Am I mad ? He will be killed
D'Auluay will be killed! Oh no, no, no not that not
that ! It cannot be ! D'Aulnay my dearly loved ! my
heart ! my life ! Grace of Heaven, what have I done ? I
cannot bear it ! I must stop them ! (DOCTOR enters from
upper room in converse with LA FERTE ; rest of the yuests
follow, laughing, and in conversation. DOCT. The silver
mark is at 120 livres, gold 800 a depreciation of 70 per cent.)
D'Aulnay D'Aulnay come back! (Buns to window-door,
and opens it. As she does so half a dozen guests come down
the stairs laughing and talking. She suddenly closes the door
and puts her back to it.)
Dub. Eight thousand francs ! you shall have them on
14 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
Thursday. Against such devil's luck who can fight ? I'faith,
not I! Clarice, alone? "Why, where's the Regent? (Two
more come down the stairs, one counting out money into the
other's hand.}
Clar. Alas ! Gone ! Despatches to dictate, I believe. You
will forgive my absence, but the Duke's time was precious, and
he feared to join you lest he might be tempted to overstay his
leisure. But are you tired of play already? (Tlireemore come
down.)
Dul). Nay, we came to seek you. To tell the truth, with-
out you the fun began to flag.
Clar. Well, let's whip it up again. What shall we do?
Tableaux? Charades? Proverbs? Come, for Heaven's sake
suggest something, somebody !
La Ferte. Shall we say tableaux ?
Dub. Gentlemen, we have all heard of Clarice's talent for
improvisation. May we pray that we may be favoured with
an example thereof ?
All. Yes, yes an improvisation.
Doct. Yes, by all means !
Clar. An improvisation good. Be it so ! On what subject
shall I improvise? Quick, quick a subject; you must give
me a subject any subject tragedy, comedy anything you
like only, for Heaven's sake, be quick !
La Ferte. We are here to amuse ourselves, and Clarice excels
in comedy.
Several Guests. Comedy ! Comedy !
Mauzun. Yes, she's great in comedy.
Doct. Comedy, by all means.
Clar. Comedy, then.
Dub. Gentlemen, to say that Clarice excels in comedy is
to admit that you have forgotten her " Death of Cleopatra."
La Ferte. Nothing to her " Quack Dentist with the Tooth-
ache."
Dub. The " Lament of Artemisia of Halicarnassus."
La Ferte. Not a patch on her " Pig-driver in a Fog ! "
Clar. Shall it be comedy, then ?
La Ferte. Tragedy !
Dub. Comedy !
Doct. Gentlemen, let us benefit by this difference of opinion.
Let us say comedy first, and tragedy afterwards.
All. Good, by all means, etc.
Clar. Good that's understood : comedy first, tragedy after-
wards. Come, give me a subject; quick, a comedy subject?
Heavens, how slow you are !
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 15
Mauzun. Stay one moment. (All attentive.}
Clar. What is it?
Mauzun. I heard a noise in the garden.
Clar. Oh, the servants amusing themselves, that's all. We
have our fun here, they have their fun there. Come, quick, a
subject.
Mauzun. Nay, I heard the clashing of swords I am sure of
it. (Going towards garden door.}
Clar. No, no ! Gentlemen, you must do me a favour ; you
must not venture into that garden ! The truth is I am pre-
paring a little surprise for you ; if you go into the garden now
you will spoil all. I am sure I need not say more. (Locking
door and giving the key to the DOCTOR.) Here, Doctor, I entrust
you with the key. I charge you allow no one to open that
door on any consideration. Now then, quick, a subject a
subject a subject !
Dub. Let me see. You are a strolling player ; you enter
a tavern you are challenged as to who you are, and you describe
yourself. There !
All. Bravo ! Very good ! etc.
Clar. Good ! I am an actor a strolling actor and I describe
myself. That's very good ; that will do. (All listening in-
tently, some grouped on the staircase, others seated.) One
moment ah now. (Recites ivith animated gestures.} " Who
am I, gentlemen ? I am Artaxerxes ! I am Antony the Great !
I'm a doge, a king, a councillor, a burgess, a lackey. I am the
constable who seizes the beggar; nay, I am the beggar seized
by the constable. I am everybody ; I am nobody. I command
and I obey. I feast starving ; I starve feasting. Beware of me,
for I am a very rogue a swaggering roysterer, with ragged
elbows, hat a-cock, and bilbo ready." (All laugh admiringly.')
Doct. Don't interrupt !
Clar. "A rogue, said I ? Nay, a highwayman a housebreaker
a murderer to command, at a purse of pistoles the job, and
short shrift to my quarry ! (Laughter.) But take heart ; I am
the best of men. I love good. I give purses. I bless all. Yet
do I curse freely, and, purses notwithstanding, I am but a greedy,
griping, grasping, miserly curmudgeon, who'd die i' the dark to
save a farthing rushlight a very Barabbas too, or a High
Pontiff, or a Grand Seigneur, with a dancing seraglio, as it shall
please you. I die thrice a-night, but they bury me not ; nay,
I am a ghost, with none to lay me ; but a ghost, look you, of
flesh, and to spare, yet not spare of flesh, as this rotundity
shall advise you. (All exclaim, " Admirable! " "Excellent ! "
etc.) And yet no ghost, but a very observable and most mortal
1 6 COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.
man, with a pretty taste in flagons and an eye for a plump
brown wench, go to ! I am a bundle of contradiction a mass
of incongruities; here to-day, gone to-morrow a thing of no
moment : a breath, a puff ball, a gossamer ! Good sirs, I am
an actor ! " {An applaud DOCT. Marvellous ! A really fine
piece of acting. Dub. Excellent, indeed, without a doubt !
During this she is much overcome, looks anxiously towards
ivindow, totters, supports herself against chair.)
Clar. (resuming with a great effort). " If you ask me if you
ask me " (A cry heard without she breaks down.} Gentle-
men, I cannot go on ; my heart leaves me. My husband ! he is
without, with the Due d'Orleans. They are fighting ! I heard
his cry ! He is wounded, perhaps killed ! Oh, gentlemen,
gentlemen, for the love of Heaven separate them ! I have
caused this. He is my husband my dear, dear husband ! He
is my life, and I have caused this ; and oh, God, he is dying !
(Sobs hysterically on her knees.')
All. Admirable! excellent! (Half aside to each other.)
Clar. You look at me, but you do not move. Gentlemen,
I am not acting ; I am in fearful earnest. Oh ! my love ! my
love ! And I have done this ! As I speak my husband is
being killed ! Will none of you separate them ? (Goes to
door, and beats frantically against it.) D'Aulnay, D'Aulnay,
I am coming to you ! (She tvrenches at the door in vain, for it
is locked ; at last she leans exhausted against it.)
All. Bravo ! Admirable !
Dub. You see now why I asked for tragedy.
All. Excellent, indeed.
Clar. Oh men, men ! have you no eyes ? Don't you know
when a wretched woman is breaking her heart ? (Suddenly.)
Doctor! I gave you the key. (Rushing to the DOCTOR and
kneeling to him!) You are D'Aulnay's friend. The key ! for
God's sake give me the key ! (All exclaim as before.)
Doct. (looking attentively at her). Gentlemen, this woman
is not acting ! Her colour comes and goes she is in terrible
earnest.
Clar. Yes, yes, in terrible earnest ! They are killing him !
Oh, God, I cannot bear this.
Dub. Doctor, you have paid her the highest compliment an
actress ever received. If she can impose upon so old a hand as
you, she is an actress indeed !
La Ferte. Doctor, you're too emotional.
Doct. Gentlemen, at the risk of encountering your ridicule,
I shall take upon myself to believe she is in earnest and, so
believing, I shall unlock that door.
COMEDY AND TRAGEDY. 17
All. Ha! ha!
Mauzun. Doctor, they're laughing at you.
Clar. God bless you ! he believes me ! he believes me !
[Quick ! the door the door !
[The DOCTOR goes to the door, and unlocks it, as the others
laugh at him. CLARICE rushes to the door and meets
her husband pale, without his coat and waistcoat,
and with a sword in his hand, which he ivipes with
a handkerchief.
Doct. D'Aulnay ! (All start. Momentary picture.)
Clar. (hurriedly in a ivhisper). Are you unhurt ?
jyAul. Quite. *
Clar. And the Duke?
D'Aul. Wounded to the death.
Clar. (recovering herself with a supreme effort, and leading
her husband forward). Gentlemen, I told you that I was pre-
paring a little surprise for you this is it ! Doctor, your pardon
for having made you an innocent accomplice in my little
deception. (DOCTOR, expressing annoyance, pulls out snuff-box ;
snuffs.} Gentlemen, T have only to thank you for the kind
applause with which you have been so good as to reward my
humble effort to entertain you !
[Curtseys. All the guests applaud, some ridiculing the
DOCTOR as the curtain falls.
in. c
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL FAIRY FARCE,
IN THREE ACTS.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
FREDERICK FOGGEKTY^
WALKINSHAW /
TALBOT, a Wholesale Cheesemonger.
DR. LOBB "i
> Mad Doctors.
DR. DOBB J
BLOGG, a Mad Keeper.
UNCLE FOGLE -\
WALKER v Wedding Guests.
BALKER j
Engaged in Act I. to FOGGERTY.
JENNIE TALBOT , EngQged {n Act IL to WALKINSIIAW ,
THE FAIRY REBECCA.
ROSELEAF
DEWDROP
Miss DE VERB, a Romantic Old Lady.
Miss DELIA SPIFF, a Matter-of-fact Old Lady.
LOTTIE \
} Jennies Bridesmaids.
TOTTIE
> Attendant Fairies.
TIE \
>
TIE )
AUNT BOGI.E, and Others.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
ACT I.
SCENE. Drawing-room in TALBOT'S house on the morning cf
his daughter's marriage to FOGGERTY. A large l>ow~
windoiu leads into a garden. TALBOT is discovered.
The following guests are disposed about the room UNCLE
FOGLE (a snuffy old gentleman), AUNT BOGLE (a stout
lady), WALKER and BALKER (tivo young men), and
others. All are in extremely low spirits, except TALBOT,
who endeavours to infuse a little cheerfulness into the
company. All wear favours.
All {sighing). Ah !
Uncle Fogle. Oh, dear me, dear me!
Tal. What is the matter with you all? Do try and be
cheerful. If my only daughter is going to be married to a
penniless young apothecary, there's no occasion to treat her
wedding as though it were a funeral. Pray, pray remember that
this is, after all, a festive occasion.
Fogle. My dear John, I wouldn't, for the world, say a word
to cast a gloom over these well, these rejoicings ; but I can't
help thinking, that, with her attractions, Jenny might have
looked a little higher. You understand, I don't say it I con-
fine myself to thinking it.
Aunt Bogle. You see, John, you know so little of Mr.
Foggerty.
Tal. I knew him when he was a little boy of nine ; ho was
a very clean little boy of nine.
Bal. Ah ! but a man's character is not formed at nine.
Fogle. However, it's no use crying over spilt milk.
Aunt B. Very true what's done can't be helped.
Walker. Except it's mutton and then what's under-done
can't be helped. (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.)
22 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
TaL (shaking WALKER'S hand). Thank you, Tommy ; it's
very kind and thoughtful of you to make that joke.
Walker. I'll make another presently.
TaL Thank you. I'm sure you will. I won't forget it. God
bless you, Tommy.
Aunt B. After all, Mr. Foggerty may be a very respectable
young man.
Uncle F. Equally, of course, he may not ; but let us not
anticipate disaster.
Tal. What was I to do ? Jenny has, somehow, got a ridiculous
idea into her head that she could never love any man who had
ever loved before, and she is weak enough to believe that she
has found this monstrosity in Foggerty. I've told her all sorts
of anecdotes to his disparagement not exactly true ones,
because I can't find out any but the sort of anecdotes that I
dare say are true if one only knew. It's a painful thing, gentle-
men, for a father to have to admit, but my undutiful girl won't
believe me.
Foyle. It's a sad thing when a girl won't believe her own
father !
Walker. If she won't believe her own father, whose father
will she believe? (All smile sadly at WALKER'S joke.)
Tal. Thank you, my boy thank you ! It was just the same
with poor, broken-hearted Walkinshaw. She fell in love with
Walkinshaw because she thought he had never loved before, but
she found out from Foggerty that Walkinsbaw had already been
engaged to somebody, so that settled him. Then she fell in love
with Foggerty. We did all we could to fix him with an affair
of some kind, but in vain ; it's true we did rake up an old
boyish flirtation of his, but he was rather young at the time
only nine and it's not likely to have been serious.
Aunt B. I don't know a boy who flirts at nine will flirt at
ninety, that's my experience.
Bal. Nine is a critical age a man's character is often formed
at niue.
Tal. (looking off). But Jenny's coming down she's in the
highest possible spirits, and I don't want her to be depressed.
Those who feel they really can't bear up had better, perhaps,
go and shed some tears in the garden (all go off except AUNT
BOGLE, UNCLE FOGLE, and TALBOT), and, those who remain,
please remember that you've been asked in order to contribute
to the general hilarity, and, for goodness' sake, don't forget that
this is really and truly a festive occasion. Come, let us all smile.
[All smile grimly as JENNY enters, in a flood of tears,
and dressed in morning dress. She is followed by
FOGGE&Tlr'S FAIRY. 23
LOTTIE and TOTTIE, dressed as bridesmaids. She
throws herself down on a chair, weeping bitterly.
LOTTIE and TOTTIE comfort her.
Jenny (weeping). Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ?
Tal. There's Jenny at it now ! Bless my heart, she'll have
a red nose at the church !
Lot. There, there don't cry don't cry !
Tot. It's sure to be all right don't cry !
Tal. Now what is it, and why are you not dressed? What
are you crying for?
Jenny. Oh, papa, papa I'm to be married this morning,
and
Tal. She's to be married this morning, and she's crying
about it! Isn't that like a woman? And whose fault is it, I
should like to know ?
Jenny. Oh, papa, I'm not crying because because I'm
g-g-going to be married to Frederick but I've g-got to be at
the church in half an hour, and my dress hasn't come home yet.
(Fresh burst of grief /) Oh dear ! oh dear ! What shall I do ?
Tal. Dress not come home ?
[During all this UNCLE FOGLE and AUNT BOGLE pre-
serve a ridiculous and immovable smile.
Jenny. No, it was tight under the arms, so I sent it back,
and it was to have come home this morning, and I've nothing
to wear !
Aunt B. Don't cry, child. I've my own wedding-dress at
home. It was made in 1820. I've never worn it but once.
I'll lend it to you.
Tal. Why, that'll be the very thing.
Jenny (sobbing). No no. You you're too fat. (UNCLE
F. and AUNT B., ivho have been smiling fixedly all this time,
suddenly look disgusted.) I mean I'm too thin. (Exeunt AUNT
B. and UNCLE F. in a huff.) Oh dear! what shall I do?
Tal. Come, come. I'll send for it. It'll be here directly.
(To LOT. and TOT.) Pick her up, my dears, pick her up, and,
above all things, don't let her have a red nose at the church.
Powder it, my dears; powder it. This is a festive occasion
and it absolutely must be powdered. [Exit TAL.
Lot. There ! It's sure to arrive in time.
Tot. I'm sure I hope it will, if it's only to spite the ill-natured
people who are always running Mr. Foggerty down.
Jenny. I don't care what they say. He has one virtue that
would sanctify him in my eyes though his errors were legion.
He, at least, has never loved before.
Lot. Well, it's possible, dear, of course.
24 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Jenny. Possible ! I have it on the very best authority. He
told me so himself. He ought to know, I suppose. '
Tot. He ought to, dear, of course.
Jenny. Oh, would you have me doubt the man I love?
Would you have me love the man I doubt? Oh no! no!
Love doubts not. Doubt loves not. He says he has never
loved, and it is enough.
Lot. (to TOT.) I'm sure I hope he hasn't, for if she found out,
too late, that he had deceived her, what would she do ?
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE.
Jenny (dreamingly). What would I do ? I don't know. It
would be something with a knife in it, and there would be
blood. I don't know whose perhaps his perhaps mine ! Oh,
I dare not think of it ! I dare not think of it !
Enter FOGQERTY, sticking a flower in his buttonhole.
Fog. There. It's wonderful how a tastily selected vegetable
sets one off. (Sees JENNY.) Jenny! My own! Why, not
dressed yet ? What's the matter ?
Jenny (dreamily). I say I dare not think of it.
Fog. Why not?
Jenny (dreamily'}. There would be blood, wouldn't there ?
Fog. If you dressed yourself? No, I don't see why there
should. There, go and put on your things.
Jenny (dreamily'). Yours or mine ?
Fog. Yours, of course. What do you mean ?
Jenny. I mean, if I found out that you had ever loved
another
Fog. Oh, of course, in that case mine ; I would shed it
myself.
Jenny. But you never have ?
Fog. I? Never!
Jenny. This flirtation when you were nine ?
Fog. It was nothing. She made eyes at me in church.
Jenny. And what did you do ?
Fog. I fled.
Jenny. In horror?
Fog. In horror. It was so bold of her. I was appalled.
Jenny. My delicate-minded Frederick ! Oh, he has never
loved till now !
Fog. Jenny, we are to be married to-day; do you think I
might
Jenny. I think so, dear ; it is our wedding-day.
Fog. Under the circumstances, I think. (Kisses her. Doth sigh.)
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 25
Jenny. I don't know how it is, it's very strange and un-
accountable and unwomanly; but, although my dress don't
fit, I feel almost happy !
Fog. I am glad you are happy, Jenny.
Jenny. I have always said that my love should only be
given to one who had never loved before. I will not have a
heart at second-hand. My husband must be one whose torch
of love was lit by me alone, and you are such an one, are
you not ?
Fog. Yes ; many a night and oft have I lain awake gazing
at the moon, and wondering what manner of thing this love
might be of which I had heard so much, this strange and
irrational desire to spend a lifetime with the adored object ;
and, when I renewed my old acquaintance with you, the sun
broke on my darkness, and all seemed clear as summer noon !
Jenny. My darling !
Fog. Do you think I might again ?
Jenny. Yes, dear, I think so.
Fog. No, no better not better not.
Jenny. In my eyes, a man who has once loved is as a defaced
postage-stamp interesting, perhaps, to the collector, but to all
others a thing of naught.
Fog. Such as poor Walkinshaw, for example.
Jenny. Such as Mr. Walkinshaw. I do not think I ever
loved him, but he interested me because I believed that I was
the first that had ever kindled the fire of love within his heart.
But, to my horror and disgust, before we had been engaged a
fortnight I learnt from you that he had already loved another.
Fog. I felt it to be my duty not to conceal from you a fact so
material to your happiness, my poor child.
Jenny. Poor then, but poor no longer. Rich in the devotion
of a heart that throbs for me, and me alone !
Fog. Oh ! don't you think I might venture once more ,
to- No, no. We can wait we can wait.
Enter WALKINSHAW. He is in a most depressed condition,
but gorgeously dressed, nevertheless.
Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw !
Wai. Nay, don't mind me. Proceed with your fondlings.
Time was when I could not have witnessed them. But I must
get used to it it's good practice. Go on.
Jenny. It's your own fault, Mr. Walkinshaw. You led me
to believe that yours was a virgin heart.
Fog. Too bad, Walkinshaw too bad.
2-3 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Wai. {furiously}. Foggerty, I submit to Miss Talbot's re-
proaches, for I respect and sympathize with the feelings that
give them birth. But from you I will not stand it. Take care,
sir take care !
Jenny. Wouldn't you rather retire, Mr. Walkinshaw ? It
must pain you to see us like this.
Wai. No I must learn to bear it. Go on ; but do it by
degrees. Put your arm around her waist, Foggerty. There
let me get used to that first. {Writhes in anguish?)
Jenny. If you had been all that you represented yourself to
be, you would to-day have stood in Frederick's place, and he
would, very likely, have been your best man.
Wai. And bad would have been the best ! Miss Talbot, it
is true that I had already loved, but whom ? A woman who
lived on actions for breach of promise who had already brought
eighteen such actions, and who was seeking every opportunity
to make me the defendant in a nineteenth. Foggerty, oblige
me by allowing Miss Talbot to rest her head on your shoulder.
Fog. Do you mean it? (She does so.}
Wai. Oh, it is hard to bear ! it is hard to bear ! ( Writhing.}
Now kiss her. (FOGGERTY does so.} Oh ! ! ! ( Writhing.}
Jenny. Mr. Walkinshaw, you deliberately deceived me, and
I can never believe you again.
Fog. I'm surprised at you, Walkinshaw, I am indeed.
Wai. Miss Talbot, I admit that I deceived you. Still, if
you will so far forget the past as to extend credence to me when
I tell you, on the faith and honour of a broken-hearted gentle-
man, that your wedding-dress has just arrived, you will pour
one drop of balm into a wound that has hitherto yawned
balmless.
Jenny. My wedding-dress arrived ! And you brought it !
Oh, thank you, thank you. Mr. Walkinshaw, there is much
that is very nice about you. Oh, why did you deceive me
once ? But for that I might even now be but no (looking at
FOGGERTY), it is better as it is ! [Exit JENNY.
Fog. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Walkinshaw !
Wai. Cheat ! impostor ! snake !
Fog. Not at all, Walkinshaw. I've merely profited by your
example.
Wai. Oh, this is hard this is bitterl} 7 hard ! However,
you're not married yet, that's one comfort.
Fog. No; but I shall be in half an hour and that's
another.
Wai. Don't be too sure; I have news for you. Delia
Spiff, your late fiancee, arrived from Melbourne yesterday.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY, 27
. Are you in earnest ?
WaL Look at that. (Hands newspaper.}
Fog. (reads). Blackball line " Red Knight " -specie
passengers on board Miss Delia Spiff ! What's to be done ?
She'll come here of course ! The Talbots are her only living
relatives ! Why, she may arrive at any moment, and if she
should
WaL It would be a just retribution. You trifled with her,
sir ! (Sternly.}
Fog. Trifled with her ? Nonsense ! you can't trifle witli an
old woman with a green umbrella. Besides, I was in Mel-
bourne, starving, penniless. There, under my very nose, so to
speak, was a comic old dowager, absolutely rolling in bank
notes and sound securities rolling in them, sir under my
very nose ! What was I to do ?
WaL A man of proper feeling would have looked the other
way.
Fog. I had the bank notes before my eyes; they dazzled
me. I didn't see the dowager at least not clearly until some
weeks after I proposed for her. As soon as my eyes got used to
the glare of the money the dowager dawned upon me.
WaL How did she look ?
Fog. Fearful ! I couldn't do it. I couldn't, indeed. You
couldn't do it. I didn't like to tell her so, so I implied it
gently and delicately. In fact, I bolted, and came to England.
I found Jenny, the friend of my childhood, young and cheerful.
She was engaged to you; but, nevertheless, she was quite
cheerful. I felt it to be my duty to let her know how basely
you had deceived her. You were dismissed, and I stepped
into your shoes, in the assumed character of a gentleman who
had never loved before. And in half an hour I marry her.
WaL Supposing, always, that Spiff don't turn up.
Fog. Walkinshaw, she shan't turn up. I won't give her
time to turn up ; we'll be off at once. (Impatiently.) What
are we waiting for? Why don't they come? Why don't we
start? What an extraordinary thing it is that a woman
cannot be punctual! (Calling.} Jenny, are you ready?
What! "five minutes?" It's an unreasonable time. Can't
you come as you are? " Impossible? " Ridiculous ! (Getting
more impatient.} What is the reason of this preposterous
delay ? Why does everything go wrong to-day ? Why have
you got a confounded green waistcoat, and a ridiculous red tie ?
(Pulling him about.}
WaL Don't ! I'm dressed for a wedding !
Fog. Dressed for a wedding? You're dressed for a lobster
28 FOGGERTV'S FAIRY.
salad! (To footstool.} You get out! (Kicking it.} You're
always in the way !
Wai. (at door). This is what it is to play with women's
hearts ! But a terrible revenge will be mine. The wedding
breakfast has yet to be eaten, and I supply the wine. [Exit.
Fog. Upon my soul, I believe I'm the unluckiest dog
breathing ! I did think I was safe this time. She'll come here,
of course and then Why don't that girl come? (Call-
ing.} Jenny, do come along! Never mind the hooks and
eyes. You can do them in the carriage. What ? " Couldn't
think of such a thing." There, isn't that a woman all over?
Dress dress dress. Always dressing, and never done with it.
(Looking at ivatch.) Half-past eleven ! We shan't get to the
church for an hour, and if Delia should turn up ! It's fearful
it's more than fearful. It's appalling ! It's a fix that nothing
short of a fairy godmother could get me out of. Why haven't
I a fairy godmother ? People used to have them. You had
only to invite them to your christening, and they'd do anything
for you. Now, I call that gratitude. But fairy godmothers
are out of fashion now, and gratitude went out with them.
Still, if there is such a thing as a guardian angel watching over
me, here is an opportunity to show what she's worth, that may
never occur again. (Slow music. The wall opens, and the
fairy EEBECCA is discovered standing in front of a revolving
star. He does not see her, but lie hears the slow music.} There's
a confounded German band outside, with the clarionet out of
tune, as usual.
llcb. (coming doivn}. Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Eh ! (Turns and sees her.) Hallo ! I beg your
pardon, but
Reb. You don't know me ?
Fog. I that is Well, no, I don't know you.
Reb. I'm the Fairy Rebecca !
Fog. The Fairy Eebecca ?
Reb. Yes ; don't be frightened. I'm a good fairy.
Fog. Now, you be off ; we've nothing for you. Come, away
you go.
Reb. You don't believe me?
Fog. No, I don't believe you.
Reb. (humbly). Upon my word I'm speaking the truth.
I really am a fairy, lam indeed. Didn't you see me appear?
Fog. No.
Reb. I came through that wall right through it!
Fog. Can you disappear through it?
Reb. Certainly.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 29
Fog. Then the sooner you do it the better.
Reb. (going towards lualT). I think you're extremely
unkind. I came simply because I thought I might be of use
to you. But if you don't want me
Fog. Stop. Are you, by any chance, in earnest ?
Reb. Of course I'm in earnest; but it's the old story. Nobody
believes in us nowadays. Time was when we mixed ourselves
up, as a matter of course, in human business. We were a
power then, and people were afraid of us. Whenever an
important christening took place we were invited as a matter
of course, and if any one of us was neglected, it was bad for the
baby. Ah, those were days !
Fog. But that was some time ago. We don't associate
ladies of your calling with frockcoats and trousers.
Reb. Exactly ; and so our existence is reduced to a mere
question of tailoring. If tights and trunks came in again, I
suppose we should come in again with them.
Fog. I trust not. I trust not.
Reb. Why not?
Fog. Because they are not usually worn by ladies.
Reb. (pettishly). Come into fashion with them ! One has to
pick one's words in speaking to you, you are so matter-of-fact.
Fog. It's a matter-of-fact age.
Reb. Not particularly. Every age is matter-of-fact to those
who live in it. Komance died the day before yesterday. To-day
will be romantic the day after to-morrow.
Fog. Yes. Perhaps if you looked in again the day after to-
morrow
Rel. I'm speaking metaphorically. Don't be ridiculous.
Now then, business. I'm your tutelary fairy.
Fog. My what ?
Reb. Your tutelary fairy your guardian genius. I hover over
you like this. (Hovers.') You know what I mean.
Fug. Am I to understand that you're always hovering over
me when I don't know it?
Reb. Certainly.
Fug. Oh!
Reb. What's the matter ?
Fog. Nothing. It's embarrassing, that's all. I wish I'd
known it before ! Has this hovering been going on long ?
Reb. About eighteen months ever since your engagement
to Delia Spiff. The fact is I was sorry to see a fine young
man throwing himself away on a ridiculous old woman, so I said
to myself, "That young man's making a fool of himself; I'll
keep my eye on that young man,"
30 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. Oh! you know about Delia Spiff?
Reb. To be sure. We all know about it. It's a standing
joke up in Fairyland.
Fog. Is it ? It's rather a serious matter down here. But
can I offer you anything ?
Reb. Thank you. I'll take a glass of sherry and a biscuit.
(He helps her. She drinks.') Now, then, what s the difficulty?
Fog. Oh, it's about that woman ; she's the bane of my life !
I'm on the point of being married to a most delightful girl, and
I'm expecting Spiff to turn up every moment and claim me.
Reb. Ah ! I thought as much! Well, what do you want me
to do ? I can't strangle Delia, you know, because I'm a good
fairy.
Fog. What a pity.
Reb. (with alacrity). Yes ; but I know a bad fairy who'd do
it at once if I asked her.
Fog. No, no ! I don't want to hurt Delia ; but if you could
manage to marry her offhand to somebody to Walkinshaw,
for instance
Reb, No, it would be too hard on Walkinshaw. You see I'm
a good fairy ! The bad fairy I was speaking about would do
it with pleasure if I asked her; but it would take time, and
I suppose time is precious.
Fog. It is indeed. {Looking at his watch.) It's very annoy-
ing, for that woman's been the curse of my existence. All my
misfortunes have had their origin in my engagement to her,
and if I could blot her out of my existence I should be the
happiest man alive.
Reb. (musing). Blot her out of your existence? Well, I
think I could do that for you.
Fog. (delighted). You could !
Reb. Ye-es (considering), there's no difficulty at all about
that; but
Fog. Then I'll do it !
Reb. Don't be in a hurry. Think what you're about. If you
blot. Delia Spiff out of your career, you blot out at the same
time all the consequences that came of your having known her.
Fog. But, my good girl, that's exactly what I want to do!
Reb. Take care. The consequences of an act are often much
more numerous and important than people have any idea of.
Take your own case : you come of a good family, and you are
proud of it.
Fog. We are the Lancashire Foggertys.
Reb. No doubt. You didn't do much towards it, and I don't
see what you've got to be proud of; but still, proud you are.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 31
Now you would never have been born if your father had never
met your mother.
Fog. I suppose not.
lieb. And your father met your mother in this wise. Some
thirty-six years ago, as he was walking down Regent Street, his
attentions were directed to a sculptor's shop, in which was a
remarkable monument to a Colonel Culpepper, who died of a
cold caught in going into the Ganges to rescue a favourite dog
which had fallen into it. An old schoolfellow passed by, and,
touching your father on the shoulder, asked him to dinner.
Your father went, and at the dinner met your mother, whom
he eventually married. And that's how you came about.
Fog. I see. If my father hadn't had that invitation to dinner
I should never have been born.
Reb. No doubt; but your existence is primarily due to a
much more remote cause. If your father hadn't loitered opposite
the sculptor's shop, his schoolfellow would never have met him.
If Colonel Culpepper hadn't died, your father would never have
stopped to look at his monument. If Colonel Culpepper 's
favourite dog had never tumbled into the Ganges, the Colonel
would never have caught the cold that led to his death. If
that favourite dog's father had never met that favourite dog's
mother that favourite dog would, never have been born, neither
would you. And yet you're proud of your origin !
Fog. I see. I never looked at it in that light. It's humili-
ating, for a Lancashire Foggerty.
Reb. It is humiliating. Well, now you see where you are,
and you can do as you like. Here is a small phial and a box
of prepared pills. When you wish to eliminate a factor from
your social equation, all you have to do is to express your wish
and swallow the draught. When you wish to see me, all you
have to do is to express your wish and swallow a pill. But
take my advice, don't use it except in the last extremity.
Remember, if you obliterate an act and its consequences, it's
impossible to say what incidents may not have taken their
place. You are pretty nearly sure to lind yourself in an entirely
altered state of circumstances.
Fog. I understand. But
Reb. Yes?
Fog. There's one question I should like to ask This is not
a pantomime ?
jRei. Bless the man, no.
Fog. It won't end in my being changed into Harlequin, and
Jenny into Columbine, or any nonsense of that sort, will it ?
Because if it does
32 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Eeb. You need not alarm yourself. This is not a Pantomime,
but a very graceful and poetical Fairy Extravaganza. Rather
dull, perhaps, but quite refined, and containing nothing what-
ever that could shock the sensibilities of the most fastidious.
Fog. That's quite sufficient. You understand the nature of
my objection ? ;
Eeb. Perfectly
Fog. It wouldn't be dignified
Eeb. I quite understand.
Fog. A Lancashire Foggerty jumping through a window !
Eeb. Oh ! it wouldn't do at all. Well, I must be off now,
for I've got to dance second in a ballet in a fairy glen in half
an hour. Remember, when you eliminate an act from your
career, all its consequences, direct and indirect, are eliminated
with it ; so take my advice, and don't use it except in a last
emergency. Where's my vampire? (Looking around.} Oh!
I see thank you. (Placing herself opposite Vampire.} All
right. Go !
[Vampire opens. She steps into it, it closes, and she dis-
appears. Hurried music.
Fog. (bewildered}. So I've a guardian spirit, have I ? I'm a
sort of human ward in fairy chancery, and wherever I go, and
whatever I do, there's a supernatural lady always at hand,
popping in upon me when I least expect it, and looking down
upon me when I haven't an idea of it. It's complimentary
it's even gratifying but it's distinctly embarrassing. I'll
defy any man to feel unconstrained and at his ease when he
knows that there's an invisible young woman at his elbow all
day long; and as for this phial how do I know that my
position will be improved if I use it? I don't like these
unknown incidents that she alludes to. There's such a thing
as getting out of the frying-pan into the fire. By Jove, when
I think of the difficulties and dangers with which I'm sur-
rounded, I feel uncommonly inclined to begin at the beginning,
and wish that Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog's father had
remained a bachelor to the end of his days !
Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE.
Oh, here you are at last. Now let's be off.
Jenny. And haven't you a word to say about my dress ?
Fog. Eh, what ? Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Now, do come !
Lot. Isn't it lovely ! Isn't it quite too charming ?
Tot. And look at the lace ! It's Venetian point. And the
bouquet ! and do look at the wreath ! It's absolutely heavenly.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 33
Fog. Damn the wreath !
Jenny. Oh! {Bursts into tears.} Oh dear! did you hear
what he said ?
Enter OLD TALBOT and WALKINSHAW, with the other guests
from garden.
Fog. Here you are at last !
Tal. Yes, all ready. Now then. (Sees JENNY crying.) Why,
what's the matter now? You've got your dress, and what
more do you want?
Jenny (crying). Oh, papa ! It's Frederick !
Tal. What has he done ? Don't he like the dress ?
Jenny. Yes yes, he he likes the dress, but but he
damned the wreath!
Tal. (horrified). Foggerty, did you seriously damn that
wreath ?
Fog. Well, I damned it, but not seriously. It was a figure
of speech.
Tal. (to JENNY, ivho is whimpering}. There, there, you hear.
It was a figure of speech. (To the others.} It was a poetical
metaphor. A man may be allowed to indulge in a poetical
metaphor on his wedding-day.
Walker. If a man may not be allowed to indulge in a poetical
metaphor on his own wedding-day, on whose wedding-day
777 ay he?
All. Ah! (Sighing.)
Fogle. I cannot refrain, even at this supreme moment,
from
Fog. Stop I know what you're going to say. I'm utterly
unworthy of her. With her money, she might have done much
better, and, no doubt, there's a good deal against me, if you
only knew it. That's what you were going to say. Isn't it ?
All. It is.
Fogle. That sort of thing.
Fog. Well, then, I quite agree with you. It's carried
unanimously. Now, let the subject drop.
Tal. Jenny, take my arm Uncle Fogle offer your arm to
Aunt Bogle ; Walker take Lottie ; Balker take Tottie ; Foggerty,
3'ou follow with Walkinshaw, as a matter of course. (To all,
who are looking very miserable.) Now, my dear friends, can't
you manage to get up a smile ? This is not a funeral.
Aunt B. Very true. Let us all smile.
[All smile except WALKINSHAW, u*ho is scowling.
Tal. Walkinshaw, if you don't smile you shall go home.
Jenny. Oh, Mr. Walkinshaw, pray smile, for my sake!
III. D
34 FOGGERTy*S FAIRY.
Wai. For your sake ? (Sighs, then, with an effort.) For your
sake I will! (Assumes a forced smile.)
Tal. That's it capital! and whatever you do, mind you
keep that up. Now, then, away we go !
[They move toiuards door, when it opens, and Miss DELIA
SPIFF enters. She is a very eccentric-looking old
lady, and carries a large green umbrella.
Miss S$>iff. Stop !
All. Who is this ?
Fog. (horrified). Delia Spiff! I knew it! I'm a ruined man !
Jenny. Why, I declare it's Aunt Delia !
All. Aunt Delia ?
Miss Spiff. Yes ; Aunt Spiff, arrived at Victoria Docks this
morning, from Melbourne.
Jenny. Why, how fortunate! You're just in time for my
wedding !
Miss Spiff. Your wedding? Whom are you going to marry?
Tal. Mr. Frederick Foggerty.
Miss Spiff. Oh, indeed !
Fog. (confused). Delighted, I'm sure.
Miss Spiff, (to FOGGERTY). Well, you're a pretty fellow, you
are !
Jenny. Frederick is generally admired.
Miss S2)iff. (to FOGGERTY). So I've caught you at last,
have I ?
Jenny. What do you mean ?
Miss Spiff. That young man belongs to me.
All. What!
Miss Spiff. Here it is black and white. (Producing docu-
ment.) He admired me. I can't imagine what he saw in me
to admire, but he saw something. I attracted him ; he grew
attentive. I fascinated him ; he grew sentimental. I was coy;
he proposed to me. I accepted him ; he grew indifferent. I
sang to him ; he wearied of me. I danced before him ; he fled !
Wai. Oh, Foggerty, for shame ! Too bad.
Tul. (dismally). You needn't smile any more at present,
gentlemen.
Jenny. Frederick, what does this mean ?
Fog. I believe she refers to me. It's nothing. It's a figure
of speech, a mere form, commonly employed by elderly Aus-
tralian ladies in in renewing a a Platonic acquaintance.
(Eel apses.)
Tal. You hear ? It's a figure of speech, a flight of metaphor
nothing more.
Walker. If an elderly Australian lady may not be allowed to
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 35
indulge in a flight of metaphor on renewing a Platonic acquaint-
ance, who may ?
Tal. To be sure. Thank you, Walker. (To company.} It's
all right, you can smile again. (All smile mechanically.}
Miss Spiff. Stuff and nonsense. There ain't much metaphor
about me. I'm a plain fact.
Fog. A hideous fact !
Jenny (with an effort). Aunt Delia, am I to understand that
Mr. Frederick Foggerty offered marriage to you ?
Miss Spiff (indignantly). Why, to be sure you are ! What
do you suppose he offered?
Jenny. It is well. I renounce him. You can go home,
everybody. There will be no wedding to-day. Oh, papa,
papa ! to think that even he has loved before ! (Sobs on
TALBOT'S breast.)
Tal. (to company, who have preserved their fixed smile
through this). You needn't smile now, gentlemen. (All scowl.)
Fog. Jenny I haven't I didn't it it was a Platonic
engagement.
Miss Spiff. A Platonic fiddlestick !
Fog. Miss Spiff, you will not insist on your bond. You will
be merciful! You will not dash the cup the dash it, the jug
of happiness from my lips. You have a great heart, and so you
will not do these things !
Miss Spiff. Won't I ? Come to the altar ! (Collaring him.)
Tal. But my good woman.
Miss Spiff. Woman yourself. (To FOGGERTY.) Come to joy !
Tal. Now, pray do be reasonable. Pray do let's have a little
common sense.
Miss Spiff. You shall. You want it. Hark ye, sir. You
are in trade ?
Tal. 1 am. Wholesale.
Miss Spiff. So am I. Wholesale. What's your stock V
Tal. Mine's cheese.
Miss Spiff. Mine's charms. It's a small business. There
ain't many of them, and what there are ain't much to speak of.
The stock's damaged, isn't it ?
Tal. Well, as for that, I can hardly be so ungallant as to
admit, to a lady's face, that that
Miss Spiff. tStuff and nonsense. Is it damaged or is it not ?
Come! out with it. Yes, or no?
Tal. Well, if you put it in that way, it is damaged.
Miss Spiff. Not the sort of goods that one can get off one's
hands every day in the week ?
Tal. Oh, I don't say that. I can quite understand, for
36 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY.
instance, that a snug, elderly gentleman, with a comfortable
independence, would
Miss Spiff (abruptly}. Will you have me ?
Tal. (taken aback). God bless me, no !
Miss Spiff. Of course you wouldn't, and you're right. /
wouldn't if I was you. Well, I've had a bid from that ridicu-
lous young man. I knocked myself down to him and he fled.
Fog. (on the sofa, feebly). In all cases of dispute the goods to
be put up again and knocked down to the highest bidder.
Miss Spiff. But there ain't any dispute. Here it is black
and white. (Producing document.') " I, Frederick Foggerty,
agree to marry you, Delia Spiff," and so on. I had it stamped.
Easiness.
Fog. Jenny, once more, save me from this catastrophe !
After all, you are rich, and it's a mere question of compensation !
Jenny. Away, sir ! I regard you with horror ! You have
deceived a trusting young heart !
Miss Spiff. And a suspicious old one !
Aunt Bogle. Go, viper ! We expected something of this sort.
Tal. But
Miss Spiff. Come to the altar come to joy. (Collaring
FOGGERTY.)
Tal. This is most exasperating on a festive occasion !
Confound you, why didn't you turn up before, ma'am ? That
wedding-dress wasn't made under twenty pounds, and it's
wasted ! Then there's the breakfast, and the carriages, and a
new pair of trousers bought expressly for the occasion !
Miss Spiff. Don't distress yourself. I'll take them off your
hands.
Tal. They're not on my hands they're on my legs, and I
won't have them taken off on any account !
Miss Spiff (to FOGGERTY). Now, sir, are you ready ?
Fog. Talbotj won't you say a word for me ? Uncle Fogle,
Aunt Bogle, Lottie, Tottie, Walker, Balker ?
[All turn from him.
Uncle Fogle. Not a word, sir. We felt sure of this all along,
but, from motives of delicacy, we didn't say so. We confined
ourselves to thinking it.
Lot. We consider that Jenny has had a most fortunate
escape.
Tot. And we hope it will be a lesson to you for the future.
Fog. It's all over. I'm lost ! Lead me away !
Miss Spiff. Come to joy !
Fog. Stop ! The draught ! Kebecca's draught ! I forgot
that ! Matters couldn't look worse than they are. It's a
FOGGERTY S FAIRY. 37
desperate remedy, but it's my only way out of it ! (Staggers.)
Oh! oh! Help! I'm fainting!
Jenny. Gracious, he's fainting.
[They wheel the sofa. JENNY rushes to him and supports
him ; he struggles to loosen his collar.
Miss Spiff. Fainting ? Here's a pin. Prick him.
Jenny (to Miss SPIFF). You brute ! The eau-de-cologne
quick !
Fog. My tie, undo it ! My waistcoat ! Give me air ! give
me water! Quick! quick! Water water water! (Gasp-
ing, and kicking violently, on sofa.)
Jenny (in great distress). Oh, give him water give him
water, somebody !
[WALKINGSHAW has poured out a glass of water and
handed it to him. Slow music to end of act.
Fog. (rising and deliberately pouring the contents of the
phial into the glass of water). Ladies and gentlemen, I de-
liberately wish that my acquaintance with Miss Spiff, and all
its consequences, may henceforward be blotted out of my
existence !
[They all fall back in astonishment as FOGGERTY drinks.
He falls insensible on sofa. All group round him
as he falls. Picture.
ACT II.
SCENE. A handsomely furnished back drawing-room in Harley
Street. A wedding-bouquet on table. FOGGERTY is dis-
covered asleep on a sofa. Enter FAIRY KEBECOA through
trap in stage.
Heb. (looking at FOGGERTY). Well, it's about time to wake
him. Poor fellow, he little thinks how materially his acquaint-
ance with Miss Spiff has affected his subsequent adventures !
Now that he has obliterated her and all the complicated
consequences that came of his having known her, he won't
know whether he's on his head or his heels. I'm really rather
sorry for him. However, I mustn't allow sentiment to interfere
with duty. It's time to wake him, so here goes.
[ Waves wand. FOGGERTY yaiuns, stretches himself and
wakes.
Fog. (half awake). Hallo! I've been asleep. (Yawns.)
38 FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
Drearuiug too ! What queer things dreams are ! I dreamt
that a Fairy appeared to me and gave me an ounce bottle,
and told me that if I swallowed the contents (Sees the
phial in his hand.} Hallo ! steady man, steady pull yourself
together! Why, as I am alive, here it is. The very one.
(Reads direction label.} " To obliterate a circumstance, take
two tea-spoonfuls in a glass of water." Then it couldn't
have been a dream ! I remember it all now. I was on the
point of being married to Jenny and Spiff turned up and
I determined to blot out Spiff and I suppose I have blotted
her out (looking round) ; at all events she isn't here. (Sees
REBECCA). Hallo !
Reb. Hallo!
Fog. Well ! Here we are again !
Reb. Yes, here we are again.
Fog. So Spiff's blotted out ?
Reb. Yes ; Spiff's done with ; no more Spiff.
Fog. No chance of her coming back eh ?
Reb. None whatever. Your acquaintance with Spiff and all
its consequences are blotted out of your existence.
Fog. Come, that's something. But I don't know this room.
Where am I ?
Reb. You're where you would have been if you'd never
known Spiff.
Fog. Of course I am ; but where's that ?
Reb. Can't tell, I'm sure.
Fog. Don't you know ?
Reb. I don't say I don't know ; I only say I can't tell.
Fog. Doesn't it occur to you that for a guardian spirit you
take a rather airy and, if I may so express myself, philosophical
view of your duties ?
Reb. A guardian spirit? Oh, I'm not your guardian
spirit now.
Fog. The deuce you're not ?
Reb. Oh dear, no ; that's all over wiped out with Spiff.
Fog. And w liy wiped out with Spiff ?
Reb. You will recollect that I became your guardian spirit
because I was sorry to see a fine young man throw himself
away upon such an old scarecrow as Spiff.
Fog. Well?
Reb. But as you haven't thrown yourself away upon Spiff,
the occasion for my services hasn't arisen. You see you never
knew Spiff.
Fog. Ob. May I ask if any other friends have been Spiffed
out.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 39
Reb. Once more, I'm not at liberty to say. (Going to trap.}
You'll excuse me, I'm sure.
Fog. But you're not going without giving me some clue to
my position ?
Reb. I must ; I can't help you, you must find it all out for
yourself. I'm due at a Transformation Scene to change a respect-
able young plumber and a good plain cook into Harlequin and
Columbine, and the gas is a serious item. I'm sorry I can't be
of any further service to you; but, you see, I'm Spiffed out!
Good morning. (On trap.) Go !
[She stamps her foot and disappears through trap.
Fog. (in bewilderment}. But, here, I say ! I've no idea where
I am, or who I am, or how I'm here, or whose house this is,
and how I came into it or, for that matter, whose trousers
these are, and how I came into them I What am I to do ?
I can't go about asking people if they'll kindly tell me who
I am, or if they'll be so obliging as to inform me where I live,
or what I did yesterday, or what I've arranged to do to-morrow;
they'd take me for a lunatic ! And Jenny, how about Jenny ?
is she Spiffed out ? No, no. I knew her long before I knew
Spi(V. So that can't be. Now, let me see. I was on the point
of being married to Jenny when Spiff turned up and prevented
the marriage. But Spiffs obliterated. So, of course the
marriage went on, and of course I'm married to Jenny. By-
the-by, I wonder if I've been married to her long ? I hope
not. When you're head over ears in love with a girl, as I was
with Jenny, it's disappointing to go to sleep and wake up and
find that you've been married to her ever so long, and got
tired of her, as I'll be bound I have of Jenny. (Finds a letter
in his pocket.} Hallo! Here's a letter. It's addressed to me
and opened ! Now, who the deuce has dared to open letters
addressed to me? Oh! I suppose /did. I don't recollect
doing it, but that doesn't seem to signify. (Reads.} " Dearest,
take heart." Hallo ! this is not Jenny's hand ! (Resumes.)
" Dearest, take heart. Situated as we are towards one another,
I do not think it would be quite prudent in me to call upon
you." No, I should think not ! " Nevertheless, in the course
of to-morrow, I hope to be in a position to remove, for ever,
the crushing load of anxiety under which you have so long
laboured." That's all ! No signature. Humph ! It seems
that I'm infernally anxious about something; it would be
convenient to know what it is. I'll ask Jenny. But, stop
a moment, perhaps Jenny doesn't know of this letter. Now,
I wonder if she knows of it. I'll be bound she doesn't know
of it. There's something about this letter I don't know what
4 o FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
but something that suggests that in all probability I
shouldn't have shown it to her. Humph ! I am extremely
sorry to say that, notwithstanding the strictness of my prin-
ciples, circumstances seem to point to the fact that I've been
going it.
Enter LOTTIE and TOTTIE in the lonnets and dresses they wore
in Act I.
Lot. Oh, Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Lottie! Tottie ! I'm delighted to see you. I'm delighted
to find that you're not Spiffed out.
Tot. Not Spiffed out ? Ob, but we natter ourselves
that we are spitted out ; at all events, we've got our best
dresses on.
Lot. I should think so ; on this day of all others.
Fog. Of course; but I didn't mean that. Never mind.
(Aside.) Now, by a judicious course of pumping, I shall
rind out exactly how I'm situated. (Aloud.) Well, what
is it?
Tot. A lady has sent this up (giving card), and says she
must see you at once.
Fog. (looking at card). Malvina de Vere ! I don't know
Malvina de Vere.
Lot. Oh, that's nonsense. She says you are her dearest
friend.
Fog. Oh, absurd !
Lot. Well, that's what she says.
Fog. The deuce she does ! (Aside.) Now, this must be
eome one whom I should have known, if I hadn't known Spiff
some one, in fact, who's been Spiffed out. This is awkward.
I wonder if Jenny knows of this ? (Aloud.) By-the-by, where
is Jenny ?
Lot. Jenny? Oh, she's upstairs, poor girl.
Fog. (aside). "Poor girl?" Why " poor girl," I wonder?
(Aloud.) Ah, poor girl ! How is she by this time?
Tot. Oh, pretty well.
Fog. Pretty well ? Not very well ?
Tot. Why, you can hardly expect her to be very well, on this
day of all others.
Fog. Naturally. (Aside.) I wonder what day of all others
this is?
Lot. But still she is as well as can be expected.
Fog. As well as (Aside.) I see where I am now.
I've been married some time, and I wonder if it's a boy or
FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 4'
a girl ! It would be ridiculous to ask. I'll go and sco her.
(Going.')
Tot. Where are you going ?
Fog. Going? Why, to see Jenny, of course.
Tot. Oh, you can't possibly see her, she's dressing.
Fog. Well, what of that?
Lot. Upon ray word, Mr. Foggertj',
Tot. You can't go up to her; you must really wait till she
comes down.
Fog. Oh, she is well enough to come down, is she ?
Lot. What a question ; and on this day of all others ! Of
course she is.
Fog. Exactly; on this day of all others. (Aside). What
does she mean by " this day of all others " ?
Tot. It's a day / never expected to see.
Fog. Didn't you? Bless me, I knew all about it from the
first.
Lot. When one thinks of all the circumstances of the case,
one sees how true it is that truth is stranger than fiction.
Tot. Oh, what a novel it would make! Only think. The
young and penniless apothecary who had never known what
love was
Lot. The wholesale cheesemonger's daughter
Tot. Their meeting the dawn of love in the apothecary's
heart
Lot. The opposition of the cruel and mercenary parent
Tot. Her determination to wed the apothecary at all
hazards
Lot. Everything at a dead lock ! Then the discovery of the
pill-
Tot. At midnight
Lot. Its sudden renown
Tot. The pill in everybody's mouth
Lot. Stupendous fortune realized by the inventor in no
time. All opposition removed, and they're to be married
to-day !
Fog. (who has been looking from one to the other in bewildered
wonderment during this dialogue). To-day !
Lot. Of course ! The successful young apothecary and the
cheesemonger's lovely daughter are to be united to-day.
Fog. (aside). To-day! (Aloud.') But I thought you said
she was as well as could bo expected ?
Lot. Well, so I did, and so she is.
Tot. Bless the man, she's nervous and excited, of course, but
she's not too ill to be married,
42 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Lot. I should think not, indeed; one must be bad for that!
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE, laughing.
Fog. Then I'm not married after all, and, what's more, I'm to
be married to-day .' Why, of course, here's the wedding-
bouquet? I see it all now. I've invented a pill, the pill's
taken Fm a man of fortune and the wedding is to take
place from my house. Why, with a little tact a little judicious
pumping how easy it all is. By-the-by, I wonder where I
live? (Looks out of window.) Harley Street ! Of course it's
Harley Street. A man who invents a successful pill always
does live in Harley Street ! But this lady my dearest friend
on earth. That's awkward on one's wedding-day. I can't
imagine anything more awkward on one's wedding-day. Does
Jenny know of this ? I'll be bound Jenny does not know of
this. There's something about this lady's method I don't
know what that convinces me that I shouldn't have told Jenny
anything about her. Foggerty, my boy, I'm extremely sorry
to say that circumstances point to the fact that you've been
going it !
Enter Miss DE VERE. She is a tall, stately lady of middle age
and tragical demeanour. She stands at the door for a
moment gazes at him melodramatically then rushes to
his arms.
Miss de V. Frederick! At last! at last! (Gazes at him
fondly.}
Fog. (aside). She's a bosom friend no doubt about that!
(Aloud, and much embarrassed?) I a have much pleasure
in
Miss de V. Don't speak, not yet (gazing at him), not yet,
I entreat you ! Let me drink you in !
Fog. Certainly. Be so obliging as to say when you've had
enough.
Miss de V. There I'm satisfied.
Fog. (aside). I wish I was.
Miss de V. Now speak to me ! Oh ! my love ! My tender,
tender love ! Speak to me as you used to speak to me call me
by the name by which you used to call me !
Fog. Really (Aside.) By George, I have boon going it !
Miss de V. The old, old name the pet name of so many
happy memories oh, call me by it, call me by it !
Fog. Certainly; I (refers to visiting card) I believe I have
the a pleasure of addressing Miss de Vere?
Miss de V. Miss de Vere! (Drawing herself lack in great
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 43
surprise.} Miss de Vere? Why, what means this? Why
this extraordinary coolness, why this chilling formality and
on this day of all others ?
Fog. I beg your pardon, but you took me so completely by
surprise.
Miss de V. By surprise? Have you forgotten my note, and
your reply to it ? Read it, sir, read it. {Gives him a note.)
Fog. With very great pleasure. {Aside.) Now I shall find
out that infernal pet name. (Reads.} "My own." That's all.
(Disappointed.) I hate a fellow who calls a girl "his own."
(Reads.) " I recognize the propriety of your scruples in the par-
ticularly delicate relation in which we stand towards each other.
But I implore you to come and see me to-morrow morning,
nevertheless." There, you see it says " to-morrow morning."
Miss de V. This is to-morrow morning.
Fog. Nonsense, that can't be, that's ridiculous. {Refers to
note.) Oh, I see, it was dated yesterday.
Miss de V. And now, sir, before I proceed to that extreme
measure to which I have been unhappily so frequently com-
pelled to resort, perhaps you will be so good as to explain and
satisfactorily account for the extraordinary coldness of your
reception.
Fog. My coldness ? Oh, that was my scrupulous regard for
the respect due to you in the particularly delicate relation in
which we stand to one another.
Miss de V. It was ?
Fog. It was. Miss de Vere, I find it hard, very hard to con-
tinue this assumption of indifference to you; but I am proud
I am proud to say, that my better man is triumphant.
Miss de V. I see ! I understand it all !
Fog. (aside). Then, by George, you've the advantage
of me !
Miss de V. You will forgive the undeserved reproaches with
which in my jealous madness I dared to assail you V
Fog. Say no more about them they are pardoned.
Miss de V. Why, what a mad fool was I !
Fog. You were -I mean no not at all. (Aside.) I wish
she'd go.
Miss de V. But I have been so often the victim of heartless
and systematic treachery !
Fog. Have you ?
Miss de V. Why, you know I have.
Fog. So I do of course I know you have ! Poor girl, poor
girl ! When I think of your sad story
Miss de V. Ah ! it is a sad story !
44 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
Fog. I know it is. (Aside.) That's a sad story ! (Aloud.)
But, bless me, it's eleven o'clock, and I've a most important
engagement in half an hour, and I'm not dressed. Will you
excuse me ?
Miss de V. Oh, by all means.
Fog. I suppose my dressing-room's upstairs?
Miss de V. Keally, Mr. Foggerty, I don't know where your
dressing-room is !
Fog. No, of course not. How should you?
Miss de V. Exactly. How should I? But won't you say
farewell to me before you go ?
Fog. With great pleasure. But, at the same time, in
accordance with the pledge contained in that letter, I must
firmly resist the temptation to address you by that old pet
name of happy memories, until the relations between us have
become more indelicate that is to say, less delicate than they
are.
Miss de V. It is nobly spoken ; it is like your heroic self.
But you are anxious, are you not? You do burn with a
feverish anxiety to hear the word that is to be spoken this
afternoon ?
Fog. Miss de Ver<?, I assure you, on the honour of a
Lancashire Foggerty, that I am tormented with a fidgety
anxiety on an infinite number of topics, and on that among
others ! Good morning. \_Exit.
Miss de V. He is gone ! How strange and incoherent his
manner how wild and flighty his eye ! Oh, mercy on me !
can it be that he, too, is false to me ? Can it be that I shall be
once more driven to resort to the last and hated means of
vindicating my rights ? No, no I'll not believe it and yet
(Sees breakfast in back room.) Why, what is this ? By the
God of Treachery it is a wedding-feast! Whose? Oh, im-
possible ! and yet, his strange embarrassment his evasive
hesitation! Oh, misery oh, misery, if it should be! Why,
what a cursed thing am I? What have I done that this blight
should fall on me wherever I go ? Why does Infidelity dog
my path, while the serpent Treachery lifts his head on high
and hisses forth a loud ha ! ha ! Oh, ye Fate-hags three ;
soul torturers, my defiance to ye all ! The fight is betwixt ye
and me, and I am not made of the stuff that yields.
Enter JENNY in wedding-dress, as in Act I.
Jenny. There, I think I look lovely ! (Sees Miss DE VERB.)
A lady !
fOGGERTTS FAIRY. 45
Miss de V. (aside, with emotion). It is the bride ! Down,
down, my heart ! (Aloud.) Fear not, pretty one ; I am but
Malvina de Vere a very sorrowful lady.
Jenny. I am sorry you are sorrowful.
Miss de V. (with an effort). And you you are the bride in
whose honour these festive preparations have been made ?
Jenny (sighing). Yes, I'm to be married to-day. How do
you like my dress?
Miss de V. It is very well it is very well. (Aside.) How
my heart throbs ! Down, little one ; I must appear calm, and
I cannot do so while you beat so rapidly. (Aloud.) You
you are about to be married to Mr. Foggerty ?
Jenny. To Mr. Foggerty? Oh dear, no ! "What could have
put such an idea into your head?
Miss de V. You are not going to marry Mr. Foggerty ?
Jenny. Assuredly not ! He is my husband's best man.
Miss de V. (relieved). It is well it is very well ! (Aside.)
Little heart, you hear?
Jenny. You seem agitated ! Can I offer you anything ?
Miss de V. I am agitated, young bride. I I can never gaze
upon a wedding garb without remembering that I, who am a
simple maiden still, might, but for man's perfidy, have been,
ere this, a grandmamma.
Jenny. Have they been deceiving you ?
Miss de V. Deceiving me? Eighteen times have I stood
dauntlessly at matrimony's verge. Eighteen times my coward
victim that is to say, my betrothed has quailed and fled !
He, man in name, blanched at the very danger that 1
courted.
Jenny. That's so like them ! And you, what did you do ?
Miss de V. I took the only course that open to me lay.
Eighteen times I offered up my bleeding heart a sacrifice at
Themis' sympathetic shrine. Eighteen times did I lay bare
its holiest workings, and call on all to come and gaze upon
its palpitating pulp. And in each case I recovered substantial
damages.
Jenny. You did nobly ! And the nineteenth ?
Miss de V. His fate is yet uncertain. For many months
liave I lost sight of him. Yet have I heard within the last
few weeks that he is also false and seeks another bride.
Jenny. Oh, poor lady !
Miss de V. It matters little there's a twentieth in the
field, whose exquisitively sensitive regard for my most difficult
and delicate position falls scarcely short of the phenomenal ;
but, ere I yield me to his ardent prayers, [ must in honour
46 FOGGERTY^S FAIRY.
satisfy myself that my nineteenth is false. This afternoon the
problem will be solved.
Jenny. My heart bleeds for you, sad and gentle lady. But
whither go you now?
Miss de V. I scarce can say ! To wander up and down and
to and fro, restless as a caged panther in his den, until the
double-barrelled news is brought that I am free to love and
bring my action !
Jenny. Nay, but I'll not consign you to the mercies of the
inhospitable street. This is my house, or shortly will be so ;
pray rest you here, and when the solemn ceremony is over, we
pray you join our merry-making, and in wild delirium of the
breakfast forget the harrowing trouble at your heart.
Miss de V. I thank you, maiden, for your sympathy. I'll
not refuse the shelter that you proffer.
Jenny. You'll find my boudoir on the two-pair-back. So,
for the nonce, farewell ! May justice pour her balm upon your
heart !
Miss de V. She has, my dear, in every other case, and, doubt-
less, will in this. Once more, farewell. [Exit.
Jenny (looking after her). Poor lady, with what a touching
dignity she bears her many disappointments ! Her sad, sad
tale touches me to the heart, for 1, too, have loved, but vainly.
Oh, how I loved him and he knew it not ! But there I may
not think of him henceforth I may think only of my Theo-
dore !
Enter WALKINSHAW.
Wai. Jenny ! my own ! at last at last my own !
Jenny. Oh, Theodore indifferent to me in all else, but
interesting to me inasmuch as I am the only woman who ever
kindled the fire of love within your heart, be true to me, be
true to me !
Wai. Be true to you ? While life lasts !
Jenny. And you do love rue ?
Wai. Love you? Haven't I settled the pill upon you?
Jenny. Yes, yes ; you have been most generous. I am the
only one ; am 1 not ?
Wai. The only one, in truth.
Jenny. And you have never known the throb of love ?
Wai. Until you taught it me !
Jenny. It is something; nay, it is much. For you, my
Theodore, I have no love, nor have I ever told you that I had ;
but I esteem you, Theodore, I respect you.
Wai. Oh, rapture ! But you are sad.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 47
Jenny. Oh, Theodore, a lady has been here, such a sad, sad
lady ! so tearful yet so calm so calm and yet so woebegone
so woebegone and yet so dignified ! Eighteen times has that
poor lady been thrown over.
Wai. Thrown over where ?
Jenny. And even now she has reason to believe that the
nineteenth is trifling with her feelings !
Wai. (in great terror}. Bless my soul. What's her name ?
Jenny. Her very name is Poetry and Soul !
Wai. Oh, then, I don't know her. (Much relieved.} It
sounds like a firm.
Jenny. She is called Malvina de Vere.
Wai. (horrified aside}. It's she. If she finds me at home,
she'll find me out. I'm ruined. (Aloud.} Where is she ?
Jenny. Sobbing her heart out in the two-pair-back.
Wai. In my house ?
Jenny. In yours and mine. Poor tortured soul ; she waits a
wire from her solicitor.
Wai. (much agitated}. Jenny, I I have heard of this lady.
She she is not altogether worthy of your sympathy
Jenny. What ! ! ! How dare you, sir !
Wai. She she lives on actions for breach. She engages
herself to an unsuspecting young man makes herself inten-
tionally unpleasant. Her lover can't stand her, and breaks it
off and she immediately brings an action.
Jenny. Oh, shame on you to dare in my presence in the
presence of your wife that is to be to palliate the conduct of
a wretch who makes unpleasantness a ground for violating the
troth that he has plighted ! Oh, shame upon you shame
upon you !
Wai. But, Jenny, I
Enter FOGGERTY dressed for ivedding, and sticking flower
in buttonhole.
Fog. There that's very nice. It's wonderful how a judi-
ciously applied vegetable sets a man off. That'll do, I think.
Now if I can only find some one who will give me a clue to
(Sees WALKINSHAW). Walkinshaw my boy, you here !
Wai. Certainly I am.
Fog. The very last man I expected to see, I give you my
unadulterated word of honour! (Shaking hands enthusiasti-
cally.}
Wai. The last man ?
Fog. The very last, I assure you. I'm more delighted than
I can tell you !
4S FOGGERTY' s FAIRY.
Wal. Why ? It's hardly likely that I should be absent on
this day of all others !
Fog. Well, it's very friendly of you to say so. I won't forget
it, Walkinshaw, depend upon it. Will you take anything?
Do ! Make yourself at home, you know. This is Liberty Hall.
(Sees JENNY.) Jenny ! at last ! my own Jenny ! Why, how
superb you look, and to think that in half au hour (Kisses
her.)
Jenny (surprised}. Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. And now, tell me how you've been all this time and
what you've been doing and, in short, tell me all about it.
Jenny. All about what? (He kisses her.) Don't!
Fog. But I must I'm so happy, so overpoweringly and
stupendously happy ! (Kisses her again she rises offended.)
Wal. (aside). I wish Jeuny wouldn't let Foggerty kiss her
so much ; of course it's all right, because they've known each
other as children; but still I wish he wouldn't do it! She
doesn't let me, and I don't see why she should let him.
[FOGGERTY, who has been paying attention to JENNY
during this, attempts to kiss her.
Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you mustn't really. I'm astonished
at you!
Wal. He's overdoing it ; upon my soul he is !
Fog. Pooh, pooh! nonsense; on this day of all others.
(Kisses her again).
Wal. (aside). I can't stand this. (Aloud). I say, Foggerty,
of course it's all right. I know how you and Jenny are situated
but still I think I think, on this day of all others
Fog. (surprised). What do you mean ?
Wal. There's too much of it, my boy. I'd leave off if I were
you I would, indeed!
Fog. No, you wouldn't, Walkinshaw, you jealous dog! (Aside.)
Poor devil, he hasn't got over his attachment to her yet, and it
is rather rough on him.
Wal. Kissing her under my very nose
Fog. Not under your very nose under her very nose. Ha
ha! But, don't distress yourself, it shan't occur again.
Wal. You're overdoing it, my boy.
Fog. Well, perhaps I am.
Wal. I'm sure you are.
Fog. I agree with you it's not delicate.
Wal. It's d d indelicate.
Fog. Yes, on this day of all others!
Wal. Exactly ; on this day of all others!
Fog. Then say no more about it. Take one yourself.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 49
Wai. Ob, we're in no hurry; we can wait.
Jenny (sighing). Ah, yes, we can wait!
Fog. The deuce you can ?
WaL Yes ; you see we've plenty of time before us.
Jenny (sighing*). Plenty !
Fog. (aside). Plenty of time before them ? Now, what do
they mean by that ?
WaL Well, it's about time we were off. Let's see, are we
all here? There's Uncle Fogle and Aunt Bogle for the first
carriage, and Lottie and Tottie, and Walker and Balker, and
your papa and rny mamma and yes, we're quite complete.
I'll get them all packed off, and then come back for you.
[Exit WALKINSHAW.
Fog. Jenny, I don't like Walkinshaw's manner.
Jenny. His manner is unfortunate, but you mustn't be too
hard on him ; he's nervous and agitated.
Fog. I can understand that; but still I don't like it, Jenny,
I don't like it.
Jenny. Oh, you must make allowance for him, and on this
day of all others.
Fog. Well, poor devil, I suppose he's more to be pitied than
blamed.
Jenny. Pitied ! Well, I'm sure.
Fog. Yes, pitied. Now, Jenny, it's no use affecting surprise.
I can see as far through a millstone as most people, and, mark
my words, that man's in love with you.
Jenny. Of course he is !
Fog. Oh, you've noticed it?
Jenny (surprised}. Noticed it? Why, of course I've
noticed it !
Fog. Then I say he's very much to be pitied he has a
dismal prospect before him.
Jenny. Upon my word, Mr. Foggerty !
Fog. Life a blank, every hope crushed, every fond illusion
wiped out, nothing before him but a melancholy prime, a
blighted sere-and-yellow, and a solitary and desolate old age.
Poor Walkinshaw !
Jenny. How dare you say these things to me ?
Fog. Eh?
Jenny. I say how dare you 1 From this moment I devote
myself, heart and soul, to his happiness; it shall be my only
care, ray only thought !
Fog. The devil you will !
Jenny. I will, I swear it ! It will be my duty, and my duty
I will do !
in, E
50 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
Fug. It seems to me that you take an exceedingly compre-
hensive view of your duty ! Look here, Jenny ; let's understand
one another. (Sits by her, puts his arm round her waist,) I
know you're as good a girl as ever stepped. Still
Jenny. Frederick Mr. Foggerty you mustn't !
Fog. Mustn't what ?
Jenny. Put your arm round my waist.
Fog. Well, it is round your waist.
Jenny (struggling). But I say you mustn't.
Fog. Why not ? Walkinshaw can't see.
Jenny. That has nothing to do with it. I won't allow it,
because it's not right on this day of all others !
Fog. Indeed ? I should have thought if ever there was a
day on which I might be permitted to take such an innocent
freedom, this day of all others is the day.
Jenny (crying}. How dare you say such things to me ! It is
most unkind to me, and most unfair to your friend.
Fog. My friend? Oh, Walkinshaw! I tell you he can't see.
Jenny. I don't care, it's most unfair to him.
Fog. It seems to me you've a remarkably tender regard for
Walkinshaw's feelings !
Jenny. Certainly I have. As you know, I don't pretend
that I love him.
Fog. Well, I should hope not !
Jenny. I mean as a wife is expected to love her husband.
Fog. Yes, that's what / mean !
Jenny. Yet I have a sincere regard for him, and, be assured
of this, I shall always respect his privileges.
Fog. Upon my word, ma'am, situated as I am
Jenny. Yes, I know ; you were my childhood's friend ; but
that only makes it all the more dreadful, and sincerely as I
esteem you, I must tell j r ou at once that if ever you presume
to attempt the slightest, very slightest, familiarity with me,
except in Mr. Walkinshaw's presence, I shall give directions
that you are never to be admitted into the house again !
Fog. (utterly aghast). But, Jenny, listen for one moment.
Jenny. It's useless, Frederick. It's best to begin as we
mean to go on.
Fog. Oh ! Don't you think you'd better marry Walkinshaw
at once ?
Jenny. Yes, we shall be too late if we don't start very soon.
Fog. (furious). I say, don't you think you'd better marry
Walkinshaw Walkinshaw at once ?
Jenny. I say yes?, I do. I can't imagine what's detaining
him.
FOGGERTTTS FAIRY. 51
Fog. (bewildered}. Jenny ! Jenny ! (Suddenly.} Great
Heavens ! (Springs horrified to his feet.}
Jenny. What's the matter? You are ill some water
quick quick.
Fog. (gasping}. Jenny attend to me ! Am I to understand
that you are really going to marry Walkinshaw?
[During this she has loosened his necktie, and dabbed a,
wet handkerchief on his temples, as he leans tottering
against a table.
Jenny. How can you ask such a ridiculous question ?
Fog. No, but are you? Answer me, yes or no. Are you ?
Jenny. Am I ? You know I am.
Fog. You are? (Overpowered.}
Jenny. Of course ; don't be absurd.
Fog. (wildly}. But don't marry him ! For Heaven's sake
don't marry him ! Jenny, you shan't, you can't ! I won't
stand by and see it done ! Oh, Jenny, Jenny, whom I love so
deeply ! (Sobbing.}
Jenny. Mr. Foggerty, you amaze me !
Fog. (surprised}. Amaze you ? Why, you know I love you !
Jenny. I ? Indeed, I know nothing of the kind !
Fog. Why, I've told you. over and over again !
Jenny. You have told me so ? Never !
Fog. How can you say that? Didn't I propose, anl didn't
you accept me, and weren't we engaged, and stop. No, no.
(Aside.} I'm mixing it all up again !
Jenny (in blank astonishment). Oh, you must have dreamt
all this!
Fog. Exactly, that's it. I must have dreamt it. But did I
nevtr tell you that I loved you ?
Jenny (weeping}. Oh no, no, no. Why didn't you? Why
didn't you ?
Fog. I don't know. I I suppose I forgot to mention it.
Jenny (wildly}. Oh, if I had only known if I had only
known !
Fog. (excitedly}. Then you loved me ?
Jenny (horrified}. What have I said?
Fog. You did! You do? You can't deny it! You shan't
deny it ! You loved me, madly, passionately how could you
help it?
Jenny. Frederick in mercy spare me ! It is cruel, cruel to
say such things to me, just as I am on the point of marrying
another man !
Fog. But dorit marry another man ! He's unworthy of
you I'm not ! I love you desperately he doesn't ! I'll do so
52 FOGGERfY'S FAIRY,
all my life he won't ! He can live without you I can't !
I shall go inad if you don't have me he shan't! Tell
"Walkinshaw to go and hang himself he won't mind he's
a good-natured fellow, and he'll do it, if you say it's
for me.
Jenny. Impossible ! I could not tell him to go and do that.
Oh, it is too late too late! Oh, Frederick, why, ivhy didn't
you tell me this before?
Fog. (wildly}. I don't know ! There's my difficulty ! Situated
as I am, it's impossible to say. I thought I had. But it
seems I hadn't. No doubt there's a reason for it if one only
knew what it was but one don't ! I hope I'm clear?
Jenny (drying Tier eyes}. Not very, but any way it is too
late now. The clergyman is at this moment waiting impatiently
to unite me to Theodore Walkinshaw. I regard him with a
wondering respect as one whose heart had never throbbed with
love until I taught it to. But love him ? No ! I do not love
him ! After what you have elicited from me it would be worse
than affectation to deny that my heart has long been yours,
and, but for your unaccountable silence, we might have been
happy. As it is, Frederick, we must never, never meet again.
I embark on my married life with a bruised and broken heart.
Farewell, for ever ! {Exit JENNY.
Fog. (wildly). Jenny, Jenny, come back ! Gone, gone from
me for ever! To be knitted to Walkinshaw; and the poor
child is fond of me, has been for years, ever since we were
children ! What was I about not to have seen it ? Why
didn't I tell her I adored her ? That's just where it is ! I
don't know ! I haven't the ghost of an idea ! I see it all
now ! If I had never known Spiff, I should never have bolted
from her to Jenn} 7 never have interfered with Walkinshaw,
whose courtship would have gone on swimmingly, and culmi-
nated in matrimony, as it's going to do to-day. And all this
heart-breaking misery, this preposterous coupling of ill-assorted
souls, this whirling chaos of discordant sympathies, is the con-
sequence of the ill-omened matrimonial arrangements of Colonel
Culpepper's favourite dog's father !
[Throivs himself on sofa, and buries his head in pillow.
Enter WALKINSHAW and OLD TALBOT.)
Tal. Come, come, are we all ready? Then let's be off.
Where's Foggerty ?
Wai. Fosgerty? Oh, here he is, on the sofa.
Tal. What's the matter with him ! Isn't he well ?
POGGERTTS FAIRY. 53
Wai. (aside to TALBOT). Well, the fact is, I lost my temper
with him just now, and it's upset him, but I'll make it all
right. (Goes to him). Foggerty, my boy, come, come, cheer up,
I didn't mean to speak unkindly to you ; but really
Fog. (without turning round). Oh, go, sir, go !
Wai. Come, come, be reasonable, if you caught a fellow
kissing the girl you loved what would you do ?
Fog. (wildly). What would I do? Shall I show you what
I would do? I'd fly at him. Thus! (Flying WALKINSHAW.)
I'd shake him thus! (Shaking him violently, and driving him
down to proscenium.) I'd throttle him thus ! (Knocks him
about wildly, WALKINSHAW quite limp and helpless in his
hands.) I'd say, " Give her back to me you traitor ! You
double-dyed villian ! You slayer of hopes ! You assassin of
hearts ! " There ! (Flinging him violently on the stage.) That's
what I'd do !
Wai. (all of a heap and breathless on the floor, and much dis-
ordered in dress). I see, thank you ! I I think you would be
justified.
Tal Dear ! dear ! (Helping Walkinshaw up, and re-arranging
his hair and cravat.) Foggerty, this is not pretty behaviour
towards a bridegroom on his wedding-day !
Fog. Pretty behaviour ! And you, infamous old traitor.
Would you like to see what I would do to a scheming father
who first gives me his daughter and then hands her over to
somebody else. (Shaking him violently.)
Tal. (bewildered). It would be interesting, of course. Perhaps
if you illustrated on Walkinshaw I should see it better than if
you did it to me.
[All three with their costumes and hair very much dis-
arranged.
Fog. Walkinshaw ! After all I have done for him, to rob me
of the only girl I ever loved !
Tal. You loved my girl ?
Wai. Did you love Jenny?
Fog. (sarcastically). Did I love Jenny? Do you think I
should have been engaged to her if I hadn't?
Tal. Engaged to her !
Fog. Engaged to her? Yes! Oh, I forgot; that's all been
spiffed out ! I've been mixing again !
Tal. Upon my soul I think you have! And pretty freely
too !
Fog. There, don't mind me ; don't take any notice of what
I say ! Give me air, or I shall choke ! (Staggers on to
balcony.)
54 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Tal. and Wai. (together). I say, doesn't it strike you
Tal. I beg your pardon
Wai. I beg yours.
Tal. After you !
Wai Not at all !
Tal I was going to say, doesn't it strike you that there's
something very incoherent in Foggerty's manner ?
Wai The very thing I was going to say to you !
Tal Mark my words ; he's mad !
Wai Staring mad !
Tal It's an awful thing !
Wai Appalling!
Tal Glass of wine ?
Wai With pleasure! {They take wine together.)
Enter JENNY.
Jenny. Stop !
Tal But we can't be always stopping what's the matter
now?
Jenny. This wedding it must not take place!
Tal and Wai (together}. Mustn't take place.
Wai Jenny, what in the world do you mean ?
Jenny. Stand off, sir ! Do not dare to approach me ! I regard
you with contempt and loathing unutterable.
Tal and Wai (together). Jenny ! '
Jenny. Approach me not, I say! You have trifled with
my most sacred feelings ! You have outraged my tenderest
sensibilities. I regard you as a snaky and systematic serpent
and thus and thus I extricate myself from your slimy toils.
(Tears license.}
Tal Oh, Jenny, Jenny, this is not pretty behaviour to your
husband on his wedding-day!
Jenny. Pretty behaviour ! Do you know that man !
Tal Know him ? Yes, very well!
Jenny. You know his smooth and plausible outside but his
inside do you know that ?
Tal Eeally, my dear, I'm not his medical attendant ; but
what has he done ?
Jenny. Unhinged and unstrung by the prospects of the
approaching ceremony, I sought just now the congenial
sympathy of the sad, sad lady on the second floor. As I
approached her room 1 saw the door ajar she was in close
communion with her solicitor. (WALKINSHAW mwch agitated.}
I heard his voice and thus and thus he spake: "Console
FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 55
yourself, oh, sad, sad lady, for we have evidence that Walkin-
shaw the fickle, fluttering, faithless Walkinshaw is on the
eve of marriage to another!" It was enough too much I
cared to hear no more !
TaL Dear me, Walkinshaw, I am surprised at you !
Wai. But, Jenny, hear me.
Jenny. I will hear nothing. It is enough for me that you
have loved. Henceforward to me you are as one that is
dead ! You are an obliterated postage-stamp not the less
obliterated because the die has been wielded by an unworthy
hand. Happily, Truth, Honour, Rectitude, Morality, Pro-
priety, Benevolence, Veneration, and First Love are on the
Balcony. They meet in Frederick, and to him I confide
my heart !
FOGGERTY enters from balcony.
Fog. Jenny ! I was sure you would ! I was sure that
when you came to think it over you couldn't help it. But,
Walkinshaw ?
Jenny. He is dead.
Fotj. That's very sudden.
Jenny. He is dead to me. He lives to drag on a miserable
existence, as a depressed and degraded monster.
Foy. I'm shocked at you, Walkinshaw !
Wai. Miss Talbot, I cannot struggle against your determina-
tion. I know that when you say you will not marry me you
mean it !
Fog. She did last time.
TaL Eh?
Fo(j. Oh, nothing, nothing.
Wai. I have only to ask that in memory of what I once was
to you, you will keep my unhappy secret, and not subject me
to the hideous consequences of an exposure.
Jenny. Sir, you deserve no mercy ; but I am merciful. Your
shameful secret is safe with me.
Foy. Walkinshaw, I'm at a loss for words in which to
express definitely my sense of your infamous conduct, because
I am not at present acquainted with the nature of your
offence.
TaL But, Jenny, you can't marry this man he's mad! He
can't contract matrimony it would be illegal !
Jenny. They say you are mad, my own ! Is it because you
have never loved before ?
Fog. Heed them not. They mistake the desponding utter-
56 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
ings of a crushed heart for the maniacal ravings of an unseated
brain !
[UNCLE FOGLE and TALP.OT loth about to speak at
once.
Tal. I beg your pardon.
Fogle. I beg yours.
Tal. Not at all.
Fogle Go on.
Tal. I was going to say that we must get a Commission to
sit on him.
Fogle. Just what I was going to s&y.
Tal. It's a pitiable circumstance.
Fogle. Horrible !
Tal. Deplorable!
Fogle. Disastrous !
Tal. Glass of wine ?
Fogle. With pleasure. (They drink together.)
Jenny (coming down with FOG). My own, own love ! Mine,
and only mine ! Oh, tell me again you, at least, have never
loved before !
Fog. Never ! Often have I lain awake at night wondering
what manner of thing this love of which I had heard so much
might be, and now the sun has risen on my darkness, and all
seems clear as summer noon !
Jenny. My love ! Oh, this is ecstasy !
[During this, TALBOT and WALKINSHAW and others,
have been ivarily approaching JENNY and FOG-
GERTY. TALBOT and WALKER seize JENNY, ivliile
WALKINSHAW, UNCLE FOGLE, and BALKER seize
FOGGERTY. The lovers are torn asunder.
Fog. Unhand me, villains !
Jenny. Frederick, my own ! They are taking me from you !
Fog. Cowards ! Thus and thus do I deal with ye !
[Throws them off. JENNY breaks from TALBOT. Tltcy
rush to one another, and embrace.
Jenny. Who shall separate us now ? I am my own mistress !
Fog. And mine !
Enter Miss DE VERE. JENNY rushes to her, and clings round
her neck. WALKINSHAW, seeing her, buries his head in
a newspaper to escape recognition.
Miss de V. Frederick, rejoice with me ! The news, the great
and glorious tidings, have arrived ! My faithless lover is on
the point of marriage with another, and I am at last free to
FOGGERTY 9 S FAIRY. 57
accept those professions of affection with which for the last
twelve months you have so eloquently pleaded, for my hand !
[JENNY recoils in horror from her. Turns and looks
at FOGGERTY, then faints in TALBOT'S arms. FOG-
GERTY stands confused for a moment, then turns
round, rushes wildly to balcony at the back of the
stage, and leaps out into the street. The others rush
after him to stop him, but they are too late. Miss
DE VERE faints in the arms of WALKIXSHAW,
whose head is still wrcqjped up in a newspaper.
Picture.
ACT III.
SCENE. Parlour in WALKINSIIAW'S Jiouse, night. Lamps lit.
The general arrangement of the scene is the same as the
scene of TALBOT'S house in Act I. WALKINSHAW //</
TALBOT discovered.
Vial. This is a dismal night, to what was to have been a
fellow's wedding-day.
Tal. It might be more cheerful. But take heart, be sanguine.
Perhaps you and Jenny would not have got on. You're not
a very nice man, you know.
Wai. No, I know I'm not, but it's rather hard that my
having been once engaged to Malvina de Vere should cause
Jenny to break off with me at the last moment. And for
Foggerty, who has also fallen into that middle-aged harpy's
toils.
Tal. Don't mind Foggerty. Jenny won't have him now.
I have got evidence that he is stark, staring mad, and, between
ourselves, I have applied for a Commission de lunatico to sit
on him at once. I am going to make the appointment now.
Wai. Hadn't you better wait till he comes back ?
Tal. Hasn't he come back ?
Wai. No, it's eight hours since he took his leap from the
balcony, and nobody has seen him since.
Tal. Dear me! I don't think he could have hurt himself
seriously, for I saw him flying down the street, ten miles an
hour with Malvina after him. (Looking out of ivindow.) Here
he is ; he has jumped out of a four-wheeler, which is tearing
down the street at full speed. And there is another four-
wheeler tearing full speed after it. What can it mean V
58 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Enter FOGGERTY exhausted. Dress muddy and disordered,
hair dishevelled. He throws himself into a chair, breathless.
Fog. At last! Safe at last.
Wai. Why, where have you been ?
Fog. Everywhere.
Tal. You seem rather out of breath.
Fog. I am, a little.
Tal. A glass of wine ?
Fog. With pleasure. (Helps himself to a glass of sherry,
and drinks.')
Wai. And where is Malvina?
Fog. I have given her the slip at labt. When I left the
house I bolted up Harley Street. Malvina followed. I got
into a cab; she got into another. I said, "drive anywhere."
He drove everywhere. I told him to drive like the devil.
He drove like the devil. So did Malvina. Eegent's Park,
Primrose Hill, Kentish Town, Holloway, Ball's Pond, Dalston,
Hackney, Old Ford, Bow, Whitechapel, London Bridge, South-
wark. At Southwark my horse fainted; so did Malvina's.
I jumped out got another cab. So did Malvina. Off again,
Old Kent Road, Peckham, Cauiberwell, W T alworth,Kennington,
Brixton, Clapham, Battersea, Wandsworth. At Wandsworth
my horse fainted. So did Malvina's. Jumped out, but no
cab to be found. Bolted, on foot, followed by Malvina ; ran
through Putney, Barnes, Mortlake, Kew, Chiswick, Tumham
Green, Shepherd's Bush, Kensal Green, Malvina after me.
At Kensal Green I fainted ; so did Malvina. Off again, through
Westbourue Park. At AVestbourue Park I found a cab ; so
did Malvina. Off again ; Maida Hill, Edgware Road, St. John's
Wood, New Road, Harley Street. As I passed the door, jumped
out unobserved, and left my empty cab tearing on ten miles
an hour, and Malvina after it.
Tal. Aren't you tired after your stroll ?
Fog. A little.
Tal. I am not surprised. Will you excuse me, I have a
business appointment. (Aside to WALKINSHAW.) Don't let
him go ; keep him here till I return. [Exit TALBOT.
Wai. That is a very determined woman.
Fog. A woman of singular strength of character.
Wai. (anxiously}. Do you think there is any chance of her
coming here ?
Fog. Not the remotest. (Knock heard.) There she is.
Wai. Malvina here. She must not catch me. (Aloud.)
Foggerty, you'll keep my secret you'll not betray me ?
FOGGERTV^S FAIRY. 59
Fog. Not for worlds.
Wai. A thousand thanks. I will never forget it. (Shakes
his hand and exits.}
Fog. I don't know what your secret is, but it's quite safe
with me. There she is it's no use, I can't go any farther,
fairly rim to earth! (Throws himself into chair to right of
stage.)
Enter MALVINA//W?I left, breathless, and much tumbled.
She throws herself into a chair to left of stage.
Fog. Good evening.
Mai. Good evening.
Fog. London is a large city.
Mai. Enormous.
Fog. Capital cabs, though.
Mai. Capital cabs.
Fog. Didn't I catch sight of you in South \vark this
afternoon.
Mai. Quite possible.
Fog. I thought it was you.
Mai. It was. Going to marry me ?
Fog. No.
Mai. Don't you love me ?
Fog. Not that I am aware of.
Mai. But you proposed to me.
Fog. I have no recollection of it.
Mai. I have got it in writing over and over again. (Produces
a bundle of letters.}
Fog. All those mine ?
Mai. Every man-jack of them.
Fog. May I look at them ?
Mai. Not exactly wasn't born yesterday.
Fog. (aside). No, you certainly were not.
Mai. You're quite resolved ?
Fog. Quite. You must conquer this passion. I am sorry
if I have encouraged hopes which are not destined to be
realized; but, although I have a sincere regard for you, I can
never be more to you than a friend.
Mai. That is your ultimatum?
Fog. That is my ultimatum.
Mai. Then again I have to resort to that dread expedient
which a sympathetic country has provided for the unsuspecting
victims of man's designing villainy. Allow me. (Oives
to FOGGERTY.)
60 FOGGERTY'S FA2RY.
Fog. What's this ?
Mai. It is a writ of summons at the suit of Malvina de Verc,
spinster, against Frederick Foggerty, bachelor, to recover
damages for breach of promise to marry.
Fog. Thank you. The damages, I see, are not stated.
Mai. Not yet. True delicacy shrinks from placing matters
of this quasi-sentimental character upon a mere business footing.
I thought it would be altogether more delicate if we could arrive
at an estimate by a friendly calculation.
Fog. Very thoughtful.
Mai. It's a pretty idea ; I always do it. Now, let me see.
First of all there is my distress of mind, and consequent wear
and tear of personal beauty.
Fog. Not worth naming. Miss de Vere is, if possible, more
lovely than ever.
Mai. Yes, I know I am now ; but oh ! think, think of the
anxious days and sleepless nights yet to come !
Fog. To be sure.
Mai. The worm in the bud
Fog. True ; I forgot the worm in the bud. How long do you
think you will be before you get over it?
Mai. It generally takes about six weeks.
Fog. That is not very long.
Mai. Make it months if you like.
Fog. Not for worlds. You think the worm will have had
enough in six weeks?
Mai. Oh, I think so. Six weeks at a guinea a day forty-
two guineas.
Fog. Dear !
Mai. I couldn't do it for less.
Fog. (getting his arm round her). Make it pounds, do.
Mai. What a wheedling way you have ! Very well, pounds.
Then there is the disappointment, the blackness of a desolate
future. What shall we say for the disappointment ?
Fog. I shouldn't put that at a high figure if I were you. I
shouldn't make a good husband.
Mai. (politely}. Oh, I won't allow that for a moment.
Fog. No, but indeed I shouldn't.
Mai. (insinuatingly). Not even such a wife as I ?
Fog. If anything could make a domestic man of me it would
be the knowledge that I had a nice, snug, cosy creature like you
waiting at home for me ; but nothing could.
Mai. I don't think I could put the disappointment at less
than a hundred.
Fog. A hundred ! A hundred for such a good-for-nothing
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 61
scamp as I ? Ridiculous ! It's absurd. You don't know what
a ruffian I am. Fifty is the outside figure.
Mai. Oh, Mr. Foggerty, you under-rate yourself. I don't
think stand up. (lie stands up.) No, I couldn't put the
disappointment at less than a hundred.
Fog. Fifty!
Mai. A hundred !
Fog. Split the difference, and say seventy-five.
Mai. Very well ; but it's a positive insult to you to put it
so low.
Fog. Don't mention it, I beg.
Mai, Then we come to the publicity of the thing the shame
of having to lay bare in open court the holiest feelings of our
imperfect nature.
Fog. Haven't you got used to that yet ?
Mai. Used to it? My dear Mr. Foggerty, believe me, that
the agony of having to trot out one's affections for the enter-
tainment of a ribald public becomes more excruciating each
time. On the whole, I cannot quote the publicity at a lower
figure than five hundred.
Fog. Four.
Mai. Five.
Fog. Split the difference, and say four hundred and fifty.
Come, now, do, for me.
Mai. It's ridiculously cheap; but I never'did in all my
experience come across anybody with such coaxing ways. But
then, there's the trousseau.
Fog. But that will do for next time. I suppose you have
had the same trousseau in each case.
Mai. Oh dear, no ! Only the last four cases. I find that
a trousseau only lasts out six engagements. You see, it gets
handled and messed. And there's the moth and change of
fashion. I usually reckon it at twenty-five per cent, off prime
cost. Prime cost two hundred twenty-five off that one-fifty.
Fog. How much is that altogether?
Mai. Let's see. Six hundred and seventeen pounds. Then
there are costs as between lawyer and client.
Fog. Say six hundred, all told, and then who knows
perhaps we shall be engaged again.
Mai. Oh, I coiildn't do it. First-class evidence, you know,
warm and flowery letters all in your own writing.
Fog. Are they warm and flowery ?
Mai. Ridiculously so. There's poetry in some of them
your own.
Fog. (aside). My own ! I wonder where I got it from ?
62 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
(Aloud.} But wait a moment, Jenny won't have me now. I
really don't see what is to prevent me marrying you.
Mai. Nothing whatever, if you prefer that course ; then there
will only be the costs out of pocket.
Fog. There's the remains of a fine woman about you.
Mai. I am generally known as the Splendid Ruin.
Fog. You are a splendid ruin a sprig or two of ivy and an
owl under your arm and you would be complete. My dear girl,
if it is a question of paying six hundred pounds and costs, or
marrying you, I'll marry you.
Mai. You will ?
Fog. Certainly. I must have seen something in you } or I
shouldn't have proposed to you. I have no doubt you are a
much more agreeable woman than you look.
Mai. Surely, surely, you know how agreeable I am by this
time.
Fog. Yes yes no doubt ; but Malvina
Mai. Call me by the old pet name the name of happy
memories.
Fog. Yes that is just it I don't know what it was.
Mai. (astonished). You don't know what it was ?
Fog. Malvina, I will be candid with you. A singular mis-
fortune has overtaken me my mind, perfectly keen and
sound at the present moment, is a blank as regards everything
that took place before this morning my memory is quite
gone.
Mai. How remarkable !
Fog. Odd, isn't it V
Mai. Then that accounts-
Fog. For my not knowing that confounded pet name of happy
memories, and fifty other things. Now, if you will undertake
to tell me all about myself who I am, what I am, where I am,
and who and what everybody else is and, in short, enable me
to hold my position before the world without making an infernal
fool of myself, I'll marry you out of gratitude. Now, is it a
bargain ?
Mai. Is it a bargain? I rather think it is a bargain. But
what an extraordinary state of things.
Fog. Well, it is singular. I'll just run upstairs and make a
change. You see what a state I am in after my run ; and then
the sooner you post me up to this morning the better.
Mai. I will ; go, my love, and in the mean time I will draw
up a statement of facts for your information. Farewell.
Fog. Farewell. Don't you think
Mai. Think what ?
FOGGERTY } S FAIRY. 63
That under the circumstances I might venture to no
better not. [Exit.
Mai. At last, oh Fate, thou smilest on me! There seems
some prospect that that blighted bud, my heart, may blossom
into wedded dignity. But who are these who break my solitude ?
Enter TALBOT, /o/fouvcZ by DOCTOR LOBB, DOCTOR DOBB, and
BLOGG, a rough sullen-looking man, ivho keeps in the
background.
Tal. Come in, gentlemen, pray. Be so good as to sit down.
(Sees MALVINA.) Oh! the athletic lady. I beg your pardon,
Mr. Foggerty --
Mai. Has sought the sacred precincts of his chamber, to
make a certain change in his apparel.
Tal. Oh ! exactly, he has had a fatiguing afternoon. (Aside.)
Dear me, this is awkward.
Mai. I'll not intrude upon your converse, sirs. I wait an
interview with Frederick, and will, with your permission,
gentlemen, attend his coming in the two-pair-back.
\_Curtsys and exit.
Tal. Fine woman, sound in wind and limb. (Aloud.)
Gentlemen, the unfortunate subject of your investigation will
be here in a very few minutes. You will not find him violent,
gentlemen.
Dr. Lobb. His paroxysms are mild, are they?
Tal. I should hardly call them parox} T sms, they don't
amount to that ; I should rather describe him as the victim of
extraordinary hallucinations.
Dr. Dobb. Very sad indeed.
Dr. Lobb. And what, my dear Mr. Talbot, is the subject or
bent of his delusions?
Talbot. Well, gentlemen, among other singular miscon-
ceptions he is under the impression that he is the inventor of
the famous " Longevity Pill."
Dr. Dobb. Pardon me the " notorious " we don't use the
term " famous " in connection with patent medicines. We call
them " notorious."
Talbot. Oh ! then he thinks he invented the " notorious "
Longevity Pill.
Dr. Lobb. It is a very significant symptom. I remember the
case of an unfortunate man who systematically infringed other
people's patents, and actually made a fine fortune by doing so-
mad, sir hopelessly mad.
Talbot. He also believes that he derives a very large income
64 FOGGERTTS FAIRY.
by its sale, when in point of fact he has not a penny in the
world.
Dr. Dobb. Oh, a very common delusion. I recollect an
instance of a poor half-witted creature, who drew enormous
cheques on a bank, at which he had positively no account
whatever, and in a name which actually did not belong to him.
The cheques were cashed and he was off to America before the
delusion was discovered. Mad, sir quite mad.
Talbot. Then again, he will accept any theory concerning
himself that you choose to suggest. You can make him believe
that he is a soldier, sailor, tinker, tailor, ploughboy, apothecary,
thief all in turn. Remarkable, isn't it ?
Dr. Lobb. Not at all. Nothing more common. I once gave
evidence in the case of an unhappy man, who obtained large
sums of money from charitable people on the plea that he was
a bricklayer's widow with twelve children. The poor fellow
would have had twelve months' imprisonment, with hard labour,
but for my evidence. Mad, sir, hopelessly mad.
Talbot. If you will excuse me for a moment, gentlemen, I
will send him to you. You will find the sherry on the side-
board. (Aside.) Clear-headed, logical men of sense, these mad
doctors. [Exit TALBOT.
Dr. Dobb (turning to BLOGG). Now, Blogg.
Blogg. Sir.
Dr. Dobb. Attend to us.
Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means listen attentively to what we say.
Dr. Dobb. If we find it necessary, as no doubt we shall, to
give this unfortunate gentleman into your charge, you will
humour him in everything.
Dr. Lobb. Dr. Dobb means you will contradict him in
nothing.
Dr. Dobb. In nothing whatever.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, in nothing at all.
Blogg. All right, guv'nor.
Dr. Dobb. Now, mind you keep your eye upon him.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, don't let him get out of your sight.
Dr. Dobb. Whatever he says, accept his delusion.
Dr. Lobb. My friend means, humour his hallucinations.
Dr. Dobb. Agree to his statements at once, however absurd
they may seem.
Dr. Lobb. In other words, accept his theories, however
ridiculous they may appear. (During this BLOGG is sitting,
eating.')
Dr. Dobb. It's the only way to deal with a confirmed
delusionist.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY. 65
Dr. Lobb. There is no other course to take with a hopeless
visionary.
Enter FOGGERTY, unobserved.
Dr. Dobb. And now we had better go and prepare our report.
Dr. Lobb. By all means. (Going.)
Dr. Dobb. (politely}. After you.
Dr. Lobb. Couldn't think of it.
Dr. Dobb. Oh, but I insist.
Dr. Lobb. As you please. [Exit. DR. LOBB.
Dr. Dobb. D d coxcomb. [Following*
Fog. (who has been staring at the Doctors in blank astonisli-
ment during this dialogue, turns to BLOGG, who is eating impas-
sively). Now, what is this ? Is it alive, or is it stuffed '/
Blogg (finishing his supper). I'm stuffed.
Fog. What are you doing here?
Blogg. I'm keeping a eye on you.
Fog. Do I understand that your instructions are to follow me
wherever I go ?
Blogg. No, 'cause you ain't agoiog nowhere.
Fog. (aside). Now, how am I to deal with this ruffian. I
could kick him out at least, I think I could but he seems to
have some right here he isn't a man in possession ! (Aloud.)
You aren't a man in possession, are you ?
Blogg. No, I ain't a man in possession.
Fog. (suddenly). I see what it is he's a constable. I have
committed a crime, which I shouldn't have committed if Spiff
hadn't been Spiffed out. And these two black-and-white
scoundrels are detectives. (Aloud.) I say, those two piebald
idiots, who left as I came in, are detectives. You can't deny
that !
Blogg (stolidly). I ain't agoin' to deny nothin'.
Fog. (aside). This is perfectly appalling! What have I
done? What is my crime is it embezzlement, forgery,
bigamy, highway robbery what? That's it, I haven't
an idea.
Blogg. Don't take on so, there's lots in the same fix.
Fog. Lots in the same fix ! Yes, I know there are ; but they
know what they've done, I don't. (Suddenly.) Walkinshaw
is at the bottom of this.
Blogg. Ah ! Walkinshaw's at the bottom of it !
Fog. Of course he is. He has led me into this; mind, what-
ever it is, he has led me into it !
Blogg. Ah ! he's led you into it.
iir. F
66 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. Whatcvtr it is, I will confess all. I will turn Queen's
evidence against Walkinshaw, and will bring Walkinshaw to
justice; and, in return for my services to the State, claim the
lloyal pardon.
Blogg. Ah, that is your game ! Nothing like it !
Fog. Now you, sir, just attend carefully to what I say. I
intend to make a c'ean breast of it and admit everything.
(Aside.) It would simplify matters if 1 had some remote notion,
just a vague, distant, glimmering of an idea, what Walkinshaw
and I have done. Never mind : half a dozen shrewdly framed
leading questions will pump it all out. (Aloud.) Now, then,
are you ready to receive my confession ?
Blogg. All right fire away.
Foy. (aloud). Now, then, you know, of course, when this
deed was done, for which Walkinshaw and I will shortly have
to answer to the outraged majesty of the law ? ( Waits anxiously
for the reply.)
Blogg (indifferently). Oh, I know fust of April.
Fog. (seizing on the idea). On the very first day of April, in
the year of grace 1879, this deed for which Walkinshaw and
I will shortly have to answer to the outraged majesty of
the law was perpetrated. We selected the first of April
because because we were anxious to get it over as soon
after March as possible. Now, then, when do you think we
did it V
Blogg (stupidly). Can't say, I'm sure.
Fog. No ; but guess.
Blogg. I ain't good at guessin'.
Fog. (aside). What an unimaginative ass it is. (Aloud.)
Come, now, make an effort just one.
Blogg (after a pause). Twelve o'clock at night when
nobody was lookin'.
Fog. At the mystic hour of midnight, on the very first day
of April, in the year of grace 1879, Walkinshaw and I, having
previously ascertained that we were secure from the im-
pertinent observation of casual passers-by, perpetrated that
deed, for which we shall only too surely have to take our
stand at the bar of the outraged majesty of the law. We
selected midnight because it's generally darker then than it is
in the daylight. Well, there I was. There I was, I say. I say
I was there.
Blogg. Alone?
Fog. Alone in the grim and ghostly solitude of that April
midnight. I needn't tell you how I was occupied,
Blogg. Maybe you was digging a hole ?
FOGGERTY^S FAIRY. 67
Fuy. Armed with a pickaxe and a spade, stripped to the
shirt, and with the beady dews of mental agony upon my brow,
I shovelled up the fat, black earth until the hole was wide and
deep enough for for the purpose we had in view. Scarcely
had I satisfied myself that the hole was wide and deep enough
for the purpose we had in view, when, what do you think
happened ?
Bloyy. P'r'aps Walkinshaw came up?
Fog. Creeping guiltily in the ghostly moonlight, as one
whose mind was burdened with a crime too great for him to
bear, Walkinshaw came up. You know as well as I do what
that monster in human form had with him.
Bloyy. Maybe it was a sack ?
Fog. It was a sack. Closed up at one end but open at the
other for the convenience of removing whatever it was intended
to contain. You see I am perfectly candid. I conceal nothing
from you. That sack contained the booty.
Bloyy. Oh ! she was a booty, was she ?
Fog. Eh?
Bloyy. I say she was a booty, was she ?
Fog. She ? Did you say " she " ?
Bloyy. You said she was a booty !
Fog. (recovering himself with an effort}. My dear sir, she
was one of the finest women you ever saw in the whole course
of your life ! (Aside.} It's murder ! By all the furies, it's
murder. Who was she ? What could have induced us to
do it ?
Bloyg. Was she dead ?
Fog. Dead, but still warm. (Aside.} This is appalling !
(Aloud.) And how how do you think this unhappy lady met
her miserable fate?
Bloyy (after a pause}. Pound and a 'arf o' arsenic ?
Fog. Very near a pound and a lialf of arsenic not quite,
but very nearly purchased in small doses for the ostensible
purpose of killing rats, and administered to her by whom do
you suppose? (Waits anxiously for BLOGG'S reply.}
Bloyy. Oh, Walkinshaw, in course?
Fog. (relieved and shaking his hand}. My dear fellow, I did
you an injustice. I took you for an ass. Allow me to apologize
you are one of the sharpest men I have met for a long time.
Of course it was administered by Walkinshaw. And how do
you suppose that fiend in human form contrived to administer
this deleterious mineral to his ill-fated victim ?
Bloyy (after a pause}. Apple pudden ?
Fog. You are quite right ; it was in an npple pudding a
68 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
large apple pudding, the apples having been previously pared
and cut in quarters and the cores extracted. Now the ques-
tion is and a very important question it is -how .far am I
implicated ?
Blogg. Ah ! that is the question.
Fog. True, I assisted him in disposing of the body. True I
went even so far as to dig the hole that was to receive it. But
then the question arises how did I come to do it ? How came
I to be there at all?
Blogg. Oh ! you was a walkin' in your sleep.
Fog. I was in a state of the profoundest somnambulistic un-
consciousness. I give you my untarnished word of honour I
was snoring heavily during the whole transaction. As for the
lady who do you think she was ? Of all unlikely people on
the face of this earth, who do you suppose that beautiful but
unhappy lady was ?
Blogg (pleasantly). Suppose we say his aunt his aunt
Sarah?
Fog. It was his admirable aunt Sarah as excellent and
blameless a lady as ever stepped, and, I assure you, a first-rate
aunt a really capital aunt. In point of fact, she had but one
fault in her composition, and I needn't tell you what that was.
Blogg (after a pause). Drink ?
Fog. Her passion for alcoholic stimulants was that lovely
but deeply injured lady's bane. Beginning with small and
comparatively harmless drams, the detestable habit gradually
grew upon her, and she got from one thing to another (for I
am anxious to omit nothing, however insignificant, from my
confession), until at last she degenerated into a monomaniacal
dipsomaniac.
Blogg. Lor !
Fog. Walkin shaw, one of the most exemplary nephews in
the world, really couldn't stand it any longer. His credit as a
gentleman, his position in society, his very means of livelihood
were all affected by the disreputable habits of this abominable
old lady one of the finest women you ever saw. One day
he made a large apple pudding and flavoured it with nearly a
pound and a half of arsenic, and I, in one of those fits of
somnambulistic unconsciousness to which I have been subject
from infancy, dug a hole to receive the body, snoring heavily
the whole time. (Aside.) There, I have done it now. What
have I said ? Oh, Walkinshaw, Walkinshaw, if I only had
my fingers round your throat at this moment, justice would be
baulked of her victim.
FOGGERTTS FAIRY. 69
Enter WALKINSHAW hurriedly, in great coat, and rug,
and carrying luggage.
Wai. (in great distress). She has found nie out. She is
after me. I can just catch the nine forty-five; but I have not
a moment to lose.
Fog. (seizing him). Stop, scoundrel ! Miscreant! Stop I
Wai. What do you mean ? Let me go ! I'm bolting !
Fog. Bolting, are you? Not while I have the strength of
twenty men, as I have now. (Struggling desperately with
him.)
Blogg (to WALKINSHAW). You had best stop. Do what the
poor gentleman tells you. Don't contrairy him.
Wai. Stop ! I can't stop ! Let me go ! Don't shake me !
You're always rumpling me !
Fog. (furiously). Bum pie you! I'll rumple you !
[Shakes him violently, WALKINSHAW quite helpless in
his hands.
Wai. (breathless). Pray don't let me go !
Blogg. Better let the poor gentleman rumple you, if he
wants to.
Fog. Abandon all hope of escape ! Your diabolical treatment
of that amiable and deeply-injured lady will soon be blown
to the four corners of the earth. (Shakes him violently.)
Wai. I didn't treat her handsomely, I admit. But you
treated her just as badly as I did.
Fog. (remorsefully). I did. I know it. Guilty wretch that
I am ! But who led me into it ? Who used his diabolical
power over me to compel me to act as his accomplice ? Oh, I
could throttle you! (Shakes him.)
Wai. (faintly). If you will kindly desist for a moment
perhaps I could answer you.
Blogg (aside to WALKINSHAW). Don't contrairy him, sir.
Best let the poor gentleman throttle you, if he wants to. It's
the only way.
Wai. Hush ! She is coming ! She is after me ! Hide me
hide me ! She follows me wherever I go.
Fog. (flinging him off). The conscience-stricken coward is
haunted by the imaginary presence of his miserable victim !
Wai. (very faintly, and all of a heap). Don't quite under-
stand.
Fog. Understand that I have confessed everything. Your
beautiful but ill-fated aunt Sarah
Wai. I haven't got an aunt Sarah.
Fog. Her unfortunate passion for drink the apple pudding
70 FOGGERTVS FAIRY.
the arsenic her agonizing death the blood-stained sack
and its ghastly tenant the midnight grave !
Wai. (very faintly). Some mistake somewhere.
Fog. Officer, seize him!
Bloyg. But
Fog. Seize him, I say.
Blogg (going to WALKINSHAW, ivho is all of a heap against
the table). Werry sorry, sir! But the poor gentleman mustn't
be contrairied. (Seizes WALKINSHAW.)
Wai. (very limp and helpless) Don't you rumple me !
[BLOGG sits at table with WALKINSHAW, a helpless lump
in his lap.
Enter MALVINA, hurriedly.
Mai. He came this way. (Sees WALKINSHAW in BLOGG'S lap.)
Oh, here he is now now I have got you. (WALKINSHAW
stares helplessly at her like an idiotic baby.)
Fog. (to MALVINA). Don't touch him, he is a murderer !
Mai. A murderer ! (Recoiling towards FOGGERTY.)
[BLOGG rises, places WALKINSHAW on a chair like a hclplfss
Guy Fawkes.
Blogg (aside to MALVINA, who is reclining in FOGGERTY'S
arms). Take my advice, and don't you go too near him, miss.
He is a madman.
Mai. A madman ! (Recoiling from FOGGERTY, ivho for the
first time understands that he is regarded as a lunatic, and
assumes an expression of horror-struck surprise.) A murderer
and a madman! And woe is me, it is to such men as these
that I have handed over my unsuspecting heart !
Enter TALBOT.
Tal. (aside to BLOGG). We are quite ready to remove him ;
but I'll break it pleasantly to him. (Aloud.) My dear Foggcrty,
I'm extremely sorry to say that it is necessary to place you
under restraint.
Fog. Under restraint ! I see it all now. They take me for
a madman. It only needed this to complete my miser}'.
Blogg. Come along o' me. There's a cab at the door, and
it'll be done as comfortable as possible.
Fog. Away! (Throwing TALBOT and BLOGG off. TALBOT
falls helplessly into a chair, BLOGG goes off.) Matters have
reached a crisis. There's only one thing to be done. I have
Rebecca's pills in my pocket. One last appeal to her, and if
FOGGERTVS FAIRY. 71
that fails, I give in. (Pours out a glass of water and swallows
pill.) llebecca! appear!
[Hurried music. REBECCA appears through trap.
Reb. (impatiently). Now, what do you want ? I'm extremely
busy, and this interruption is most annoying.
Fog. I won't detain you long. In my anxiety to appear
equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation, I've been
led into making such preposterous statements that I run a very
good chance of being hanged first and confined in a lunatic
asylum afterwards.
Reb. Really this doesn't concern mo. I've nothing to do
with it. My guardianship is spilled out.
Fog. Yes, I know it's spiffed out; but you're an extremely
intelligent and accomplished young person don't you think
if you made an effort you could spiff it in again ?
Reb. Out of the question. I should have to admit that I
made a mistake, and I should be at once relegated to the back
rows, among the stout ones, and never allowed to dance even
in a quartette, and lately I've been dancing solo.
Fof/. But
Rtb. I've nothing more to say ; your situation doesn't con-
cern me in any way. I beg I may not be interrupted again.
(On trap, stamps her foot and says," Go " she descends through
trap.)
Fog. Stop!
Reb. (half down trap). What do you want ? (Remains half-
way down trap.)
Fog. Allow me to remind you that I've forty-seven pills
left, and I can call you up forty-seven times if I please. I
don't want to make myself unpleasant to a lady, but if you're
not civil, I'll give you a time of it.
Reb. (rising through trap again). Well, be quick. What
is it ?
Fog. Let's understand one another. When I took the
draught all the consequences of my having known Spiff were
obliterated.
Reb. Utterly.
Fog. But if I had never known Spiff I should never have
got into a difficulty on account of Spiff, and if I had never got
into that difficulty I should never have applied to you to get
me out of it, and if I had never applied to you to get me out of
it you would never have given me that infernal draught, which,
has been the cause of all the miseries with which I'm
threatened.
Reb. Dear me, I never thought of that.
72 FOGGERTY'S FAIRY.
Fog. In point of fact, I've been saddled with consequences
from which, according to the terms of my contract, I ought to
have been entirely free.
Reb. It certainly seems so. I'm very sorry.
Fog. Now all this comes of hurrying your work. If 3'ou'd
do a little less bedevilment and do it well you'd make a better
job of it in the end.
Reb. It's not bedevilment. I'm a good fairy.
Fog. Good, but stupid.
Reb. Good, but stupid. I hope you won't mention this?
Fog. That depends upon yourself. You've got me into this
fix, and you must get me out of it. Eestore matters to their
original condition, barring Spiff, whom I won't hear of at any
price, and we'll say no more about it.
Reb. Very good, I'll do it; but mind, it must never be known
that I " tried back," or I should get into a terrible scrape. Are
you ready for the change ?
Fog. Quite ready.
Reb. Then "go."
[Waves wand. Slow music. Scene suddenly changes to
scene of Act /., daylight. All the Fairies enter at
the back and group until the end. TALBOT, MAL-
VINA, and WALKINSHAW gradually revive from
their swoon. MALVINA goes to WALKINSHAW.
Mai. "Walkinshaw ! My own !
Wai. Malvina! (Embraces.)
Enter JENNY, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE in dresses of
Act I., then UNCLE FOGLE, AUNT BOGLE, WALKER, and
BALKER, all in dresses of Act I., with favours. JENNY
rushes to FOGGERTY.
Jenny. Frederick ! My own.
Fog. Jenny ! (Embraces.)
Tal. Now then come along the carriages have been wait-
ing ever so long, and the clergyman is getting cold. Uncle
Fogle take Aunt Bogle, Walker take Lottie, Balker take Tottie.
Jenny. Frederick ! In ten minutes we shall be made one.
Tell me once more that you have never, never loved before !
Fog. Never ; wouldn't dream of such a thing ! It's all
right ; it's all over it's past gone spiffed out for ever !
Jenny. What's spiffed out ?
Fog. Medical men mad-house breach of promise execu-
tion murdered Aunt Sarah ! All gone !
Wai. What's the man talking about ?
FAIRY. 73
Fog. (suddenly serious). Walkinshaw, you did not murder
your aunt Sarah ?
Wai. Never!
Tal. Oh, too absurd ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
All. Ha! ha! ha!
Fog. Walkinshaw, you are going to be married to Malvina.
If, in the fulness of time, Heaven should ever bless } r ou with a
little aunt Sarah, swear that that admirable woman's life shall
be as sacred as your own !
Wai. Before Heaven, I swear it.
Fog. I knew it ! God bless you, Walkinshaw.
All. Ha! ha! ha!
Fog. And, Jenny dear Jenny you won't marry Walkin-
shaw, but, on the contrary, you'll marry me, and Walkiushaw
will marry Malvina; she has an excellent constitution. And
Walker, Balker, Lottie, Tottie, Fogle, Bogle, you'll all marry
each other (all laugh} \ and I declare I'm so happy I don't know
whether to laugh or to cry. (All laughing.} Which shall it
be? Oh, well, better be unanimous. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
AIL Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
[They pair off. FOGGERTY with JENNY, WALKINSHAW
with MALVINA, WALKER ivith LOTTIE, BALKER
ivith TOTTIE, UNCLE FOGLE with AUNT BOGLE, and
move towards entrance, laughing heartily. Scene
opens at back during this. Fairies enter, laughing
heartily, and waving wands. EEBECCA ascends on
stool at back, also laughing. Red fire. Curtain.
ROSENCRANTZ AND
GUILDENSTERN.
A TRAGIC EPISODE,
IN THREE TABLEAUX,
FOUNDED ON AN OLD DANISH LEGEND.
First performed in public at a M allude, on behalf of the ' ' Serpent " Fund,
at the Vaudeville Theatre, London, on Wednesday, June yd, 1891.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
KING CLAUDIUS, of Denmark MR. ALEXANDER WATSON.
QUEEN GERTRUDE, of Denmark ... MRS. THEODORE WRIGHT.
HAMLET, Queen Gertrude's Son be-
trothed to OPHELIA MR. FRANK LINDO.
ROSENCRANTZ, Courtier, in lore with
OPHELIA MR. S. HERBERTE-BASING.
GUILDENSTERN, a Courtier ... ... MR. C. LAMBOURNE.
FIRST PLAYER MR. C. STEWART.
SECOND PLAYER Miss BESSLE.
OPHELIA Miss MARY BESSLE.
Courtiers, Pages, etc.
ARGUMENT.
KING CLAUDIUS, when a young man, wrote a five-act tragedy which was
damned, and all reference to it forbidden under penalty of death.
The KING has a son HAMLET lohose tendency to soliloquy has so
alarmed his mother, QUEEN GERTRUDE, that she has sent for
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, to devise some Court revels
for his entertainment. ROSENCRANTZ is a former lover of
OPHELIA (to whom HAMLET is betrothed), and they lay their heads
together to devise a plan by which HAMLET may be put out of the
way. Home Court theatricals are in preparation. OPHELIA and
ROSENCRANTZ persuade HAMLET to play his father's tragedy before
the KING and Court. HAMLET, tcho is unaware of the proscrip-
tion, docs so, and he is banished, and ROSENCRANTZ happily united
to OPHELIA.
ROSENCRANTZ AND
GUILDENSTERN.
FIEST TABLEAU.
Interior of KING CLAUDIUS'S Palace. CLAUDIUS discovered
seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN GERTRUDE on a stool
at his feet, consoling him.
Q. Nay, be not sad, my lord !
Cl. Sad, loved Queen ?
If by an effort of the will I could
Annul the ever-present Past disperse
The gaunt and gloomy ghosts of bygone deeds,
Or bind them with imperishable chains
In caverns of the past incarcerate,
Then could I smile again but not till then !
Q. Oh, my dear lord!
If aught there be that gives thy soul unrest,
Tell it to me.
Cl. "Well-loved and faithful wife,
Tender companion of my faltering life,
Yes ; I can trust thee ! Listen, then, to me :
Many years since when but a headstrong lad
I wrote a five-act tragedy.
Q. (interested). Indeed ?
Cl. A play, writ by a king
Q. And such a King !
CL Finds ready market. It was read at once,
But ere 'twas read, accepted. Then the Press
Teemed with porpentous import. Elsinore
Was duly placarded by willing hands ;
We know that walls have ears I gave them tongues
And they were eloquent with promises.
78 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
Q. Even the dead walls ?
67. (solemnly). Ay, the deader they,
The louder they proclaimed !
Q. (appalled}. Oh, marvellous !
67. The day approached all Denmark stood agape.
Arrangements were devised at once by which
Seats might be booked a twelvemonth in advance.
The first night came.
Q. And did the play succeed ?
67. In one sense, yes.
Q. Oh, I was sure of it !
67. A farce was given to plav the people in
My tragedy succeeded that. That's all !
Q. And how long did it run ?
67. About ten minutes.
Ere the first act had traced one-half its course
The curtain fell, never to rise again !
Q. And did the people hiss ?
67. No worse than that
They laughed. Sick with the shame that covered me,
I knelt down, palsied, in my private box,
And prayed the hearsed and catacombed dead
Might quit their vaults, and claim me for their own !
But it was not to be.
Q. Oh, my good lord,
The house was surely packed !
Cl. It was by me.
My favourite courtiers crowded every place
From floor to floor the house was peopled by
The sycophantic crew. My tragedy
Was more than even sycophants could stand !
Q. Was it, my lord, so very, very bad ?
67. Not to deceive my trusting Queen, it was.
Q. And when the play failed, didst thou take no steps
To set thyself right with the world ?
Cl. I did.
The acts were five though by five acts too long,
I wrote an Act by way of epilogue
An act by which the penalty of death
Was meted out to all who sneered at it.
The play was not good but the punishment
Of those that laughed at it was capital.
Q. Think on't no more, my lord. Now, mark me well
To cheer our son, whose solitary tastes
And tendency to long soliloquy
ROSENCRANTZ AND GU1LDENSTERN. 79
Have much alarmed us, I, unknown to thce,
Have sent for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Two merry knaves, kin to Polonius,
Who will devise such revels in our Court
Such antic schemes of harmless merriment
As shall abstract his meditative mind
From sad employment. Claudius, who can tell
But that they may divert my lord as well ?
Ah, they are here !
Enter GUILDENSTERN.
Guild. My homage to the Queen !
Enter ROSEXCRANTZ.
Eos. (kneeling). In hot obedience to the Royal 'host
We have arrived, prepared to do our best.
Q. We welcome you to Court. Our Chamberlain
Shall see that you are suitably disposed.
Here is his daughter. She will hear your will
And see that it receives fair countenance.
[Exeunt KING and Queen, lovingly.
Enter OPHELIA.
Eos. Ophelia ! \_Botli embrace her.
Oph. (delighted and surprised). Rosencrantz and Guil-
denstern !
This meeting likes me much. We have not met
Since we were babies !
Eos. The Queen hath summoned us,
And 1 have come in a half-hearted hope
That I may claim once more my baby -love !
Oph. Alas, I am betrothed !
Eos. Betrothed ? To whom ?
Oph, To Hamlet !
Eos. Oh, incomprehensible !
Thou lovest Hamlet?
Oph. (demurely). Nay, I said not so
I said we were betrothed.
Guild. And what's he like ?
Oph. Alike for no two seasons at a time.
Sometimes he's tall sometimes he's very short
Now with black hair now with a flaxen wig
Sometimes an English accent then a French-
Then English with a strong provincial " burr."
Once an American, and once a Jew
So ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
But Danish never, take him how vou will !
* V
And strange to say, whate'er his tongue may be,
Whether he's dark or flaxen English French
Though we're in Denmark, A.D., ten six two-
He always dresses as King James the First !
Guild. Oh, he is surely mad !
Opli. Well, there again
Opinion is divided. Some men hold
That he's the sanest, far, of all sane men
Some that he's really sane, but shamming mad
Some that he's really mad, but shamming sane
Some that he will be mad, some that he was
Some that he couldn't be. But on the whole
(As far as I can make out what they mean)
The favourite theory's somewhat like this :
Hamlet is idiotically sane
With lucid intervals of lunacy.
Eos. We must devise some plan to stop this match !
Guild. Stay ! Many years ago, King Claudius
Was guilty of a five-act tragedy.
The play was damned, and none may mention it
Under the pain of death. We might contrive
To make him play this piece before the King,
And take the consequence.
Eos. Impossible !
For every copy was destroyed.
Oph. But one
My father's !
Eos. Eh ?
Oph. In his capacity
As our Lord Chamberlain * he has one copy. I
This night, when all the Court is drowned in sleep,
Will creep with stealthy foot into his den
And there abstract the precious manuscript!
Guild. The plan is well conceived! but take good heed,
Your father may detect you.
Oph. Oh, dear, no.
My father spends his long official days
In reading all the rubbishing new plays.
From ten to four at work he may be found :
And then my father sleeps exceeding sound !
[Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDEN-
STERN, grouped.
* All bow reverentially at mention of this functionary.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 81
SECOND TABLEAU.
Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
Q. Have you as yet planned aught that may relieve
Our poor afflicted son's despondency?
Bos. Madam, we've lost no time. Already we
Are getting up some Court theatricals
In which the Prince will play a leading part.
Q. That's well-bethought it will divert his mind.
But soft he comes.
Ros. How gloomily he stalks,
As one o'erwhelmed with weight of anxious care.
He thrusts his hand into his bosom thus
Starts looks around then, as if reassured,
Humpies his hair and rolls his glassy eyes !
Q. (appalled). That means he's going to soliloquize !
Prevent this, gentlemen, by any means !
Guild. We will, but how?
Q. Anticipate his points,
And follow out his argument for him ;
Thus will you cut the ground from 'neath his feet
And leave him nought to say.
Eos. and Guild. We will! we will!
[They kneel.
Q. A mother's blessing be upon you, sirs! [Exit.
Ros. (both rising). Now, Guildenstern, apply thee to
this task.
Music. Enter HAMLET. Be stalks to chair, thrown himself
into it.
Ham. To be or not to be !
Ros. Yes that's the question
Whether he's bravest who will cut his throat
Rather than suffer all
Guild. Or suffer all
Rather than cut his throat?
//am. (annoyed at interruption, says, " Go away go
away ! " then resumes). To die to sleep
Ros. It's nothing more Death is but sleep spun out-
Why hesitate? [Offers him a dagger.
Guild. The only question is
Between the choice of deaths, which death to choose.
[Offers a revolver.
III. G
82 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
Ham. (in great terror). Do take those dreadful things
away. They make
My blood run cold. Go away go away ! (They turn aside.
HAMLET resumes). To sleep, perchance to
Eos. Dream.
That's very true. I never dream myself,
But Guildenstern dreams all night long out loud.
Guild, (coming down and kneeling). With blushes, sir,
I do confess it true !
Ham. This question, gentlemen, concerns me not.
(Resumes.) For who would bear the whips and scorns of
time
Ros. (as guessing a riddle). Who'd bear the whips and
scorns ? Now, let me see.
Who'd ~bear them, eh ?
Guild, (same business). Who'd bear the scorns of time ?
Ros. (correcting him). The whips and scorns.
Guild. The whips and scorns, of course.
[HAMLET about to protest.
Don't tell us let us guess the whips of time?
Ham. Oh, sirs, this interruption likes us not.
I pray you give it up.
Ros. My lord, we do.
We cannot tell who bears these whips and scorns :
Ham. (not heeding them, resumes). But that the dread
of something after death
Ros. That's true post mortem and the coroner
Felo-de-se cross roads at twelve P.M.
And then the forfeited life policy
Exceedingly unpleasant.
Ham. (really angry). Gentlemen,
It must be patent to the merest dunce
Three persons can't soliloquize at once!
[RosENCRANTZ and GUTLDENSTERN retire, GUILDEN-
STERN goes off.
(Aside.) They're playing on me ! Playing upon me
Who am not fashioned to be played upon !
Show them a pipe a thing of holes and stops
Made to be played on and they'll shrink abashed
And swear they have not skill on that ! Now mark
(Aloud.) Rosencrantz ! Here !
[Producing a flute as ROSENCRANTZ comes.
This is a well-toned flute ;
Play me an air upon it. Do not say
You know not how ! (Sneeringly.)
ROSENCRANT2 AND GUILDENSTERN. 83
Eos. Nay, but I do know how.
I'm rather good upon the flute Observe
[Plays eight bars of hornpipe, then politely returns
flute to HAMLET.
Ham. (peevishly}. Oh, thankye. (Aside.) Everything
goes wrong !
\_Eetires, and throws himself on dais, as if buried in
soliloquy.
Enter OPHELIA, white loith terror, holding a, heavy MS.
Oph. Roseucrantz!
Eos. Well?
Oph. (in a stage-whisper). I've found the manuscript,
But never put me to such work again !
Eos. Why, what has happened that you tremble so ?
Oph. Last night I stole down from my room alone
And sought my father's den. I entered it !
The clock struck twelve, and then oh, horrible !
From chest and cabinet there issued forth
The mouldy spectres of five thousand plays,
All dead and gone and many of them damned !
I shook with horror ! They encompassed me,
Chattering forth the scenes and parts of scenes
Which my poor father wisely had cut out.
Oh, horrible oh, 'twas most horrible !
[Covering her face.
Eos. What was't they uttered V
Oph. (severely}. I decline to say.
The more I heard the more convinced was I
My father acted most judiciously ;
Let that suffice thee.
Eos. Give me, then, the play,
And I'll submit it to the Prince.
Oph. (crossing to him). But stay,
Do not appear to urge him hold him back,
Or he'll decline to play the piece I know him.
Ham. (who has been soliloquizing under his breath).
And lose the name of action! (Rises and comes down.)
Why, what's that ?
Eos. We have been looking through some dozen plays
To find one suited to our company.
This is, my lord, a five-act tragedy.
'Tis called "Gonzago" but it will not serve -
'Tis very loner.
84 ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN.
Ham. Is there a part for me ?
Oph. There is, my lord, a most important part
A mad Archbishop who becomes a Jew
To spite his diocese.
Ham. That's very good !
Bos. (turning over the pages). Here you go mad and
then, soliloquize :
Here you are the sane again and then you don't :
Then, later on, you stab your aunt, because
Well, I can't tell you wliy you stab your aunt,
But still you stab her.
Ham. That is quite enough.
-Z?os. Then you become the leader of a troop
Of Greek banditti and soliloquize
After a long and undisturbed career
Of murder (tempered by soliloquy)
You see the sin and folly of your ways
And offer to resume your diocese ;
But, just too late for, terrible to tell,
As you're repenting (in soliloquy)
The Bench of Bishops seize you unawares
And blow you from a gun !
[During this HAMLET has acted in pantomime the
scenes described.
Ham. (excitedly}. That's excellent.
That's very good indeed we'll play this piece !
[Taking MS. from EOSENCRANTZ.
Oph. But, pray consider all the other parts
Are insignificant.
Ham. What matters that ?
We'll play this piece.
.Z?os. The plot's impossible,
And all the dialogue bombastic stuff.
Ham, I tell you, sir, that we will play this piece.
Bestir yourselves about it, and engage
All the most fairly famed tragedians
To play the small parts as tragedians should.
A mad Archbishop ! Yes, that's very good !
[Picture. HAMLET, reading the MS., with limelight
on him. EOSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA
at entrance.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 85
THIRD TABLEAU.
March. Enter procession. First, two Pages, ivlw place them-
selves on each side of the platform ; then ROSENCRANTZ and
OPHELIA ; then GUILDENSTERN and a Lady ; then other
Courtiers; then POLONIUS, backing before the KING and
QUEEN. The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA
on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her, GUILDENSTERN
and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN ; the Courtiers
right and left.
Q. A fair good morrow to yon, Rosencrantz.
How march the Royal revels ?
Eos. Lamely, madam, lamely, like a one-legged duck. The
Prince has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, " A
Right Reckoning Long Delayed."
Cl. And of what fashion is the Prince's play ?
Eos. 'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord a thing of
shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass without
consistency, like an ill-built villa.
Q. But, sir, you should have used your best endeavours
To wean his phantasy from such a play.
Ros. Madam, 1 did, and with some success, for he now seeth
the absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it as
freely as we do. So, albeit the poor author had hoped to have
drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has resolved to present it
as a piece of pompous folly intended to excite no loftier emotion
than laughter and surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian
with his troop.
Enter HAMLET and Players.
Ham. Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players.
They have come to town to do honour and add completeness
to our revels.
Cl. Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.
Prepare you now we are agog to taste
The intellectual treat in store for us.
Ham. We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak
a word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen this
play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-esteemed
friends, who were for playing a piece with less bombastick fury
86 ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.
and more frolick. {Addressing KING.) But I have thought this
a fit play to be presented by reason of that very pedantical
bombast and windy obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly
despise. For I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your
bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth his folly as
to make his hearers believe that he is unconscious of all incon-
gruity ; whereas, he who doth so mark, label, and underscore
his antick speeches as to show that he is alive to their absurdity
seemeth to utter them under protest, and to take part with his
audience against himself. (Turning to Players.) For which
reason, I pray you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extrava-
gant monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this
comi-tragedy ; for such things are as much as to say, " I am a
comick fellow I pray you laugh at me, and hold what I say
to be cleverly ridiculous." Such labelling of humour is an
impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth to imply that they
are unable to recognize a joke unless it be pointed out to them.
I pray you avoid it.
[Slight applause, which HAMLET acknowledges.
First Player. Sir, we are beholden to you for your good
counsels. But we would urge upon your consideration that we
are accomplished players, who have spent many years in learn-
ing our profession ; and we would venture to suggest that it
would better befit your lordship to confine yourself to such
matters as your lordship may be likely to understand. We, on
our part, may have our own ideas as to the duties of heirs-
apparent ; but it would ill become us to air them before your
lordship, who may be reasonably supposed to understand such
matters more perfectly than your very humble servants.
[All applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in
anger. KIXG interrupts him. HAMLET thinks
letter of it, and angrily beckons Players to follow
him. He and they exeunt.
Gl. Come, let us take our places. Gather round
That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair
In which I shall find room to roll about
When laughter takes possession of my soul.
Now we are ready.
Enter on platform a Loving Couple. Applause.
She. Shouldst thou prove faithless ?
He. If I do
Then let the world forget to woo (kneeling),
The mountaintops bow down in fears,
The midday sun dissolve in tears,
ROSENCRANTZ AND GU2LDENSTERN. 87
And outraged nature, pale and bent,
Fall prostrate in bewilderment!
[All titter through this Tweaking into a laugh at the
end, the KING enjoying it more than any one.
i. Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest we should
all be involved in this catastrophe !
Cl. (laughing}. Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy.
I am sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen ! (To ROSEN-
CRANTZ.) Is this play well known ?
Eos. (advancing). It is not, my lord.
[Turns, back to OPHELIA.
CL Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before.
Go on.
She. Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums ?
Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes !
[Exeunt Loving Couple. Laughter, as "before.
Q. And wherefore cometh Gonzago ?
Eos. He cometh here to woo !
Q. Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A
fico for such a wooing, say I !
67. (rather alarmed aside to ROSENCRANTZ). Who is Gon-
zago?
Eos. He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. "Pis a most
ridiculous and mirthful character and the more so for that the
poor author had hoped to have appalled you with his tragedical
end ! [Eeturns to OPHELIA.
[During this the KING has shown that he has recognized
his tragedy. He is horrified at the discovery.
Enter HAMLET, as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. All
laugh and applaud except the KING, who is miserable.
Ham. Free from the cares of Church and State
I come to wreak my love and hate.
Love whirls me to the lofty skies
Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies !
[All laugh except KING.
Q. Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them !
Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think that
these lines were to have drawn our tears !
Oph. Truly mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten
of laughter !
Ham. Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have
none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of such
88 ROSENCRAN7Z AND GUILDENSTERN.
windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There are five
acts of this ! (All groan.')
(Resumes) For two great ends I daily fume
The altar and the deadly tomb.
How can I live in such a state
And hold my Arch-Episcopate ? "
lios. (exhausted with laughter'). Oh, my lord I pray you end
this, or I shall die with laughter !
Q. (ditto). Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly ! Stop
it, my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury.
Opli. (ditto}. Oh, sir prythee have mercy on us we have
laughed till we can laugh no more!
11am. The drollest scene is coming now. Listen.
Cl (rises). Stop! [All start.
Stop, I say cast off those mummeries!
Come hither, Hamlet !
Ham. (takes off roles). Why, what ails you, sir ?
Cl. (with suppressed fury). Know'st thou who wrote this
play?
Ham. Not I, indeed.
Nor do I care to know !
Cl. 1 wrote this play
To mention it is death, by Denmark's law!
Q. (kneeling). Ob, spare him, for he is thine only
child! '
Cl. No 1 have two (QUEEN horrified.) my son my
play both worthless !
Both shall together perish !
[Draws dagger; QUEEN endeavours to restrain him.
Ham. (on his knees). Hold thine hand !
1 can't bear death I'm a philosopher !
Cl. That's true. But how shall we dispose of him ?
[All puzzled.
Oph. (suddenly). A thought!
There is a certain isle beyord the sea
Where dwell a cultured race compared with whom
We are but poor brain-blind barbarians ;
'Tis known as Engle-land. Oh, send him there !
If but the half I've heard of them be true
They Avill enshrine him on their great good hearts,
And men will rise or sink in good esteem
According as they worship him, or slight him !
Cl. Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be
That we've misjudged him. If such race there he
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN. 89
(There may be I am not a well-read man)
They're welcome to his philosophic brain-
So, Hamlet, get thee gone and don't come back again !
[CLAUDIUS crosses to n. HAMLET, who is delighted
at the suggestion, crosses to QUEEN and embraces
her. lie then embraces OPHELIA, who receives
his kiss ivith marked coldness. Tlien lie turns
up on to platform, and strikes an attitude,
exclaiming, "To Engle-land ! " At the same
moment KOSENCBANTZ embraces OPHELIA.
Picture.
CUUTAIN.
PATIENCE;
OR,
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE.
AN ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL AESTHETIC
OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
first produced at the Opera Comiqnc, London, on Saturday, April 2yd,
1881, under the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
COLONEL, CALVERLEY \
MAJOR MURGATROYD I Officers of Drajoon Guards.
LIEUT. THE DUKE OF DUNSTABLE )
REGINALD BUNTHORNE, a Fleshly Poet.
ARCHIBALD GROSVENOR, an Idyllic Poet.
MR. BUNTHORNE'S SOLICITOR.
Chorus of Officers of Dragoon Guards.
THE LADY ANGELA
THE LADY SAPIIIR
THE LADY ELLA
THE LADY JANE
PATIENCE, a Dairy Maid.
Chorus of Rapturous Maidens.
ACT I.
EXTERIOR OF CASTLE BUNTHORNE.
ACT II.
A GLADE.
Jiapturous Maidens.
PATIENCE;
OR,
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE.
ACT I.
SCENE. Exterior of Castle Bunthorne. Entrance to castle by
draw-bridge over moat. Young Ladies dressed in cesthetic
draperies are grouped about the stage. They play on lutes,
mandolines, etc., as they sing, and all are in the last stage
of despair. ANGELA, ELLA, and SAPHIR lead them.
CHORUS.
Twenty love-sick maidens we,
Love-sick all against our will.
Twenty years hence we shall be,
Twenty love-sick maidens still !
SOLO. ANGELA.
Love feeds on hope, they say, or love will die
All. Ah. miserie !
Yet my love lives, although no hope have I !
All. Ah, miserie !
Alas, poor heart, go hide thyself away
All. Ah, miserie I
To weeping concords tune thy roundelay !
All. Ah, miserie !
CHORUS.
All our love is all for one,
Yet that love he heedeth nut,
He is coy and cares for none,
Sad and sorry is our lot !
Ah, miserie !
94 PATIENCE; OR,
SOLO. ELLA.
Go, breaking heart,
Go, dream of love requited !
Go, foolish heart,
Go, dream of lovers plighted ;
Go, madcap heart,
Go, dream of never waking ;
And in thy dream
Forget that thou art breaking !
Ail. Ah, miscrie !
Aug. There is a strange magic in this love of ours ! Rivals
as we all are in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopeless-
ness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another !
Saph. Jealousy is merged in misery. While he, the very
cynosure of our eyes and hearts remains icy insensible what
have we to strive for ?
Ella. The love of maidens is, to him, as interesting as the
taxes !
Saph. Would that it were ! He pays his taxes.
Ang. And cherishes the receipts !
Enter LADY JANE.
Jane (suddenly}. Fools !
Ang. I beg your pardon ?
Jane. Fools and blind ! The man loves wildly loves !
Ang. But whom ? None of us !
Jane. No, none of us. His weird fancy has lighted, for the
nonce, on Patience the village milkmaid !
Saph. On, Patience ? Oh, it cannot be !
Jane. Bah! But yesterday I caught him in her dairy,
eating fresh butter with a table-spoon. To-day he is not well !
Saph. But Patience boasts that she has never loved that
love is, to her, a sealed book ! Oh, he cannot be serious.
Jane. 'Tis but a fleeting fancy 'twill quickly pass away.
(Aside.") Oh, Reginald, if you but knew what a wealth of
golden love is waiting for you, stored up in this rugged old
bosom of mine, the milkmaid's triumph would be short indeed !
[All sigh wearily.
[PATIENCE appears on an eminence. She looks down
with pity on the despondent Ladies.
RECITATIVE.
Pa. Still brooding on their mad infatuation !
I thank thee, Love, thou comest not to me ;
Far happier I, free from thy ministration,
Than dukes or duchesses who love, can be !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 95
Saph. (looking up). Tis Patience happy girl ! Loved by a Poet !
Pa. Your pardon, ladies. I intrude upon you ! (Going.)
Any, Nay, pretty child, come hither. Is it true
That you have never loved ?
Pa. Most true indeed.
Sopranos. Most marvellous !
Contraltos, And most deplorable !
SOXG. PATIENCE.
I cannot tell what this love may be
That cometh to all but not to me.
It cannot be kind as they'd imply,
Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ?
It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
Or why do these gentle ladies weep ?
It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said,
Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ?
Though everywhere true love I see
A-coming to all, but not to me,
I cannot tell what this love may be !
For I am blithe and I am gay,
While they sit sighing all night, all day.
Think of the gulf 'twixt them and me,
" Fal la la la ! "and " Miserie ! "
Chorus, Yes, she is blithe, etc.
Pa. If love is a thorn, they show no wit
Who foolishly hug and foster it.
If love is a weed, how simple they
Who gather and gather it, day by day !
If love is a nettle that makes you smart,
Why do you wear it next your heart V
And if it be none of these, say I,
Why do you sit and sob and sigh ?
Though everywhere, etc.
Chorus. For she is blithe, etc.
Aug. Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never
known true happiness ! (All sigh.)
Pa. But the truly happy always seem to have so much on
their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well.
Jane. There is a transcendentality of delirium an acute
accentuation of suprerncst ecstacy which the earthy might
easily mistake fur indigestion. But it is not indigestion it is
cesthetic transfiguration ! (To the others.) Enough of habble.
Come !
Pa. But I have some news for you. The 35th Dragoon
96 PATIENCE; OK,
Guards have baited in the village, and are even now on their
way to this very spot.
Ang. The 35th Dragoon Guards !
fSaph. They are fleshly men, of full habit !
Ella. We care nothing for Dragoon Guards !
Pa. But, bless me, you were all in love with them a year ago !
Saph. A year ago !
Ang. My poor child, you don't understand these things. A
year ago they were very well in our eyes, but since then our
tastes have been etherealized, our perceptions exalted. (To
the others.) Come ! it is time to lift up our voices in morning
carol to our Reginald. Let us to his door.
[The Ladies go off two and two into the Castle, singing
refrain of " Twenty love-sick maidens we," and
accompanying themselves on harps and mandolins.
PATIENCE ivatches them in surprise, as she clinibs
the rock by ivhich she entered.
March. Enter Officers of Dragoon Guards, led ~by MAJOR.
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
The soldiers of our Queen
Are linked in friendly tether ;
Upon the battle scene
They fight the foe together.
There every mother's son
Prepared to fight and fall is ;
The enemy of one
The enemy of all is !
Enter COLONEL.
SONG. COLONEL.
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,
Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Rattle them off to a popular tune.
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory
Genius of Bismarck devising a plan ;
The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)
Coolness of Paget about to trepan
The science of Jnllien, the eminent musico
"NVit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne
The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault
Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man
The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray
Victor Emmanuel peak-haunting Peveril
Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell
Tupper and Tennyson Daniel Defoe
Anthony Trollope and Mr. Guizot !
SUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. 97
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set them to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Chorus. Yes ! yes ! yes ! yes !
A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Col. If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon.
Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)
The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban
A smack of Lord "Waterford, reckless and rollicky-
Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky
Grace of an Odalisque on a divan,
The genius strategic of Caesar or Hanibal
Skill of Sir Garnet in thrashing a cannibal
Flavour of Harnlet the Stranger, a touch of him
Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)
Beadle of Burlington Richardson's show
Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud !
Take of these elements all that is fusible-
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
All. Yes! yes! yes! yes!
A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum !
Col. Well, here we are again on the scene of our former
triumphs. But where's the Duke ?
Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirit*.
Duke. Here I am! (Sighs.)
Col. Come, cheer up, don't give way !
Duke. Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be
expected to be, who has the misfortune to be a duke, with a
thousand a day !
Maj. Humph ! Most men would envy you !
Duke. Envy me ? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee ?
Maj. Very !
Col. We are all fond of toffee.
All. We are !
Duke. Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But
to live on toffee toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for
tea to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee,
and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but
toffee were offered to you how would you like that ?
Col. I can believe that, under those circumstances, even toflVe
would become monotonous.
7)7.y. F-n- "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject
in. ii
98 PATIENCE; OR,
deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to think
that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees !
Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me ! Am I particu-
larly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly
witty, or unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous ?
Col. You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I
saw.
All. You are!
Duke. Exactly ! That's it exactly ! That describes me to
a T ! Thank you all very much ! Well, I couldn't stand it
any longer so 1 joined this regiment. In the army, thought I,
I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who
knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am.
Col. (looking off). Yes, and here are the ladies !
Duke. But who is the gentleman with the long hair?
Col. I don't know.
Duke. He seems popular !
Col. He does seem popular !
BUNTHOBNE enters, followed by Ladies, two and two, singing
and playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem,
and quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across stage t
followed by Ladies. They take no notice of Dragoons to
the surprise and indignation of those Officers.
CHORUS OF LADIES.
In a melancholy train
Two and two we walk all day
Pity those who love in vain
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Now is not this ridiculous and is not this preposterous ?
A thorough-paced absurdity explain it if you can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer this melancholy literary man.
Instead of slyly peering at us,
Casting looks endearing at us,
Blushing at us, flushing at us flirting with a fan ;
They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us !
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man !
Pretty sort of treatment for a military man !
Ang. Mystic poet, hear our prayer,
Twenty love-sick maidens we
Young and wealthy, dark and fair
And we die for love of thee !
BUNTtfORNE*S BRIDE. 99
Yes, we die for love of thee
Twenty love-sick maidens we !
Bun. (aside slyly). Though my book I seem to scan.
In a rapt ecstatic way,
Like a literary man
Who despises female clay ;
I hear plainly all they say,
Twenty love-sick maidens they !
Officers (to each other). He hears plainly, etc.
Ella. Though so excellently wise,
For a moment mortal be,
Deign to raise thy purple eyes
From thy heart-drawn poesy.
Twenty love-sick maidens see
Each is kneeling on her knee ! (All kneel.)
Cho. of Ladles. Twenty love-sick, etc.
Bun. (aside). Though as I remarked before,
Any one convinced would be
That some transcendental lore
Is monopolizing me,
Round the corner I can see
Each is kneeling on her knee !
Officers (to each other). Round the corner, etc.
ENSEMBLE.
OFFICERS. LADIES. BUNTHOKXE (aside).
Now is not this Mystic poet, hear Though my book I seem
ridiculous, etc. our prayers, etc. to scan, etc.
Col. Angela! what is the meaning of this?
Ang. Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are bat ill-attuned to light
love-talk.
Maj. But what in the world has come over you all ?
Jane. Bunthorne! Pie has come over us. He has come
among us, and he has idealized us.
Duke. Has he succeeded in idealizing you ?
Jane. He lias!
Duke. Bravo, Bunthorne !
Jane. My eyes are open ; I droop despairingly ; I am soul-
fully intense ; I am limp, and I cling !
[During this BUNTHORXE -is seen in all the agonies of
composition. The Ladies are ivatching him intently
as he writhes. At last, he hits on the word lie wants
and writes it down. A general sense of relief.
Bun. Finished ! At last ! Finished!
[_IIe staggers, overcome ivith the mental strain, info arms
of COLONEL.
Col. Are you better now ?
loo PATIENCE; OR,
Bun. Yes oh, it's you I am better now. The poem is
finished, and my soul had gone out into it. That was all. It
was nothing worth mentioning, it occurs three times a day.
(Sees PATIENCE, who has entered during this scene.') Ah,
Patience ! Dear Patience ! (Holds her hand ; she seems
frightened.')
Ang. Will it please you read it to us, sir?
Saph. This we supplicate. (All kneel.)
Bun. Shall I ?
All the Dragoons. No !
Bun. (annoyed to PATIENCE). I will read it if you bid me !
Pa. (much frightened). You can if you like!
Bun. It is a wild, weird, fleshly thing ; yet very tender, very
yearning, very precious. It is called, " Oh, Hollow ! Hollow !
Hollow!"
Pa. Is it a hunting song ?
Bun. A hunting song? No, it is not a hunting song. It is
the wail of the poet's heart on discovering that everything is
commonplace. To understand it, cling passionately to one
another and think of faint lilies. {They do so, as he recites.')
''OH, HOLLOW! HOLLOW! HOLLOW!
What time the poet hath hymned
The writhing inaid, lithe-limbed,
Quivering on amaranthine asphodel,
How can he paint her woes,
Knowing, as well he knows,
That all can be set right with calomel ?
When from the poet's plinth
The amorous colocynth
Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills,
How can he hymn their throes
Knowing, as well he knows,
That they are only uncompounded pills ?
Is it, and can it be,
Nature hath this decree,
Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell ?
Or that in all her works
Something poetic lurks,
Even in colocynth and calomel?
I cannot tell.
Ang. How purely fragrant !
Saph. How earnestly precious !
Duke. Well, it seems to me to be nonsense.
Saph. Nonsense ; yes, perhaps but, oh, what precious non-
sense !
All Ah!
BUNTHORNVS BRIDE. 101
Col. This is all very well ; but you seem to forget that you
are engaged to us !
Sapli. It can never be. You are not Empyrean. You are
not Delia Cruscan. You are not even Early English. Oh, be
Early English ere it is too late ! (Officers look at each other in
astonishment.')
Jane (looking at uniform). Ked and yellow ! Primary
colours ! Oh, South Kensington !
Duke. We didn't design our uniforms, but we don't see how
they could be improved.
Jane. No, you wouldn't. Still there is a cobwebby grey
velvet, with a tender bloom like cold gravy, which, made
Florentine fourteenth century, trimmed with Venetian leather
and Spanish altar lace, and surmounted with something
Japanese it matters not what would at least be Early
English ! Come maidens.
[Exeunt Maidens, two and two, singing, refrain of
" Twenty love-sick maidens ive" The Officers watch
them off in astonishment.
Duke. Gentlemen, this is an insult to the British uniform.
Col. A uniform that has been as successful in the courts of
Venus as in the field of Mars !
SONG. COLONEL.
When I first put this uniform on,
I said, as I looked in the glass,
" It's one to a million
That any civilian,
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I've plenty of that, and to spare,
While a lover's professions,
When uttered in Hessians,
Are eloquent everywhere ! "
A fact that I counted upon,
When I first put this uniform on !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
The same thing occurred to me, too,
When I first put this uniform on !
Col. I said, when I first put in on,
" It is plain to the veriest dunce
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once.
102 PATIENCE; OR,
They will see that I'm freely gold-laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste "
But the peripatetics
Of long-haired aesthetics,
Are very much more to their taste
Which I never counted upon
When I first put this uniform on !
C/io. By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have counted upon,
I didn't anticipate that,
When I first put this uniform on !
\_Tlie Dragoons go off angrily.
[As soon as he is alone, BUNTHORNE changes his manner
and becomes intensely melodramatic.
RECITATIVE AND SONG. BUNTHORNE.
Am I alone,
And unobserved ? I am !
Then let me own
I'm an aesthetic sham !
This air severe
Is but a mere
Veneer
This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile !
This costume chaste
Is but good taste
Misplaced !
Let me confess !
A languid love for lilies does not blight me !
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me !
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means.
I do not long for all one sees
That's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my medievalism's affectation,
Born of a morbid love of admiration !
SONG.
If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a man of
culture rare,
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant
them everywhere.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 103
You must lie upon the daisies, and discourse in novel phrases of your
complicated state of mind,
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental
kind.
And every one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
" If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me,
Why what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man
must be ! "
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long since
passed away,
And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was
Culture's palmiest day.
Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare
it's crude and mean,
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine.
And every one will say,
As you walk your mystic way,
;t If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me,
Why what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be ! "
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your
languid spleen,
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too-
French French bean !
Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the
high aesthetic band,
If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval
hand.
And every one will say,
As you walk your flowery way,
"If he's content with a vegetable love, which would certainly not
suit me,
Why what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man
must be ! "
At the end of his song PATIENCE enters. He sees her.
Bun. Ah ! Patience, come hither. I am pleased with thee.
The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with
thee. For you are not hollow. Are you ?
Pa. I beg your pardon I interrupt you.
Bun. Life is made up of interruptions. The tortured soul,
yearning for solitude, writhes under them. Oh, but my heart
is a-weary ! Oh, I am a cursed thing ! Don't go.
Pa. Pieally, I'm very sorry
Bun. Tell me, girl, do you ever yearn ?
Pa. (misunderstanding him). I earn my living.
Bun. (impatiently). No, no ! Do you know what it is to be
heart-hungry? Do you know what it is to yearn for the
IC4 PATIENCE ; OR,
Indefinable, and yet to be brought face to face, daily, with the
Multiplication Table? Do you know what it is to seek oceans
and to find puddles ? to long for whirlwinds and to have to do
the best you can with the bellows? That's my case. Ob, I
am a cursed thing !
Pa. If you please, I don't understand you you frighten me !
Bun. Don't be frightened it's only poetry.
Pa. If that's poetry, I don't like poetry.
Bun. (eagerly). Don't you? (Aside.) Can I trust her?
(Aloud.) Patience, you don't like poetry well, between you
and me, 7 don't like poetry. It's hollow, unsubstantial un-
satisfactory. What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields
when you know you can't get 'em, and would only let 'em out
on building leases if you had 'em ?
Pa. Sir, I
Bun. Don't go. Patience, I have long loved you let me
tell you a secret. I am not as bilious as I look. If you like I
will cut my hair. There is more innocent fun within me than
a casual spectator would imagine. You have never seen
me frolicsome. Be a good girl a very good girl and you
shall.
Pa. Sir, I will speak plainly. In the matter of love I am
untaught, I have never loved but my great-aunt. But I am
quite certain that, under any circumstances, I couldn't possibly
love you.
Bun. Oh, you think not ?
Pa. I'm quite sure of it. Quite sure. Quite.
Bun. (releasing her}. Very good. Life is henceforth a blank .
I don't care what becomes of me. I have only to ask that you
will not abuse my confidence ; though you despise me, I am
extremely popular with the other young ladies.
Pa. I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the
subject.
Bun. Certainly. Broken-hearted and desolate I go. (Recites.)
"Oh, to be wafted away
From this black Aceldama of sorrow,
Where the dust of an earthy to-day
Is the earth of a dusty to-morrow ! "
It is a little thing of my own. I call it " Heart Foam." I
shall not publish it. Farewell ! [Exit BUNTHORNE.
Pa. What on earth does it all mean? Why does he love
me? Why does he expect me to love him? He's not a
relation ! It frightens me !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 105
Enter ANGELA.
Ang. Why, Patience, what is the matter ?
Pa. Lady Angela, tell me two things. Firstly, what on
earth is this love that upsets everybody ; and secondly, how is
it to be distinguished from insanity ?
Ang. Poor blind girl ! Oh, forgive her, Eros ! "Why, love is
of all passions the most essential ! It is the embodiment of
purity, the abstraction of refinement; it is the one unselfish
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed !
Pa. Oh dear, oh ! (Beginning to cry.)
Ang. Why are you crying?
Pa. To think that I have lived all these years without
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion ! Why,
what a wicked girl I must be ! For it is unselfish, isn't it ?
Ang. Absolutely. Love that is tainted with selfishness is no
love. Oh, try, try, try to love ! It really isn't difficult if you
give your whole mind to it.
Pa. I'll set about it at once. I won't go to bed until I'm
head over ears in love with somebody.
Ang. Noble girl. But is it possible that you have never
loved anybody ?
Pa. Yes, one.
Ang. Ah, whom?
Pa. My great-aunt.
Ang. Your great-aunt doesn't count.
Pa. Then there's nobody. At least no, nobody. Not since
I was a baby. But that don't count, I suppose.
Ang. I don't know tell me all about it.
DUET. PATIENCE AND ANGELA.
Pu. Long years ago, fourteen, maybe,
When but a tiny babe of four,
Another baby played with me,
My elder by a year or more.
A little child of beauty rare,
With marvellous eyes and wondrous hair.
Who, in my child-eyes, seemed to me
All that a little child should be !
Ah, how we loved, that child and I,
How pure our baby joy !
How true our love and, by-the-by,
He was a little boy !
Ang. Ah, old, old tale of Cupid's touch !
I thought as much I thought as much !
He was a little boy !
jo6 PATIENCE; OR,
Pa. (shocked). Pray don't misconstrue what I say
Remember, pray remember, pray,
He was a little boy !
Any. No doubt, yet spite of all your pains,
The interesting fact remains
He was a little boy !
ENSEMBLE.
No'doult } iQ *P ite of a11 " 5 " 8 etc "
[Exit ANGELA.
Pa. It's perfectly appealing to think of the dreadful state
I must be in ! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder
they all look so unhappy. Upon my word, I hardly like to
associate with myself. I don't think I'm respectable. I'll go
at once and fall in love with -
Enter GROSVENOR.
Pa. A stranger!
DUET. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOR.
Gros. Prithee, pretty maiden prithee tell me true,
(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly !)
Have you e'er a lover a dangling after you ?
Hey willow waly !
I would fain discover
If you have a lover ?
Hey willow waly !
Pa. Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free
(Hey, but he's doleful, willow willow waly !)
Nobody I care for comes a courting me
Hey willow waly O !
Nobody I care for
Comes a courting therefore,
Hey willow waly O !
Gros, Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me?
(Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow willow waly !)
I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee
Hey willow waly O !
Money, I despise it,
But many people prize it,
Hey willow waly O !
Pa. Gentle sir, although to marry I design
(Hey, but he's hopeful willow willow waly !)
As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline.
Hey willow waly !
BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE. 107
To other maidens go you
As yet I do not know you,
Hey willow waly !
Gros. Patience ! Can it be that you don't recognize me ?
Pa. Recognize you ? No, indeed I don't !
Gros. Have fifteen years so greatly changed me ?
Pa. Fifteen years ? What do you mean?
Gros. Have you forgotten the friend of your youth, your
Archibald? your little playfellow? Oh, Chronos, Chronos,
this is too bad of you !
Pa. Archibald! Is it possible? Why, let me look! It
is! It is! It must be! Oh, how happy I am! I thought
we should never meet again ! And how you've grown !
Gros. Yes, Patience, I am much taller and much stouter
than I was.
Pa. And how you've improved !
Gros. Yes, Patience, I am very beautiful ! (Sighs.)
Pa. But surely that doesn't make you unhappy ?
Gros. Yes, Patience. Gifted as I am with a beauty which
probably has not its rival on earth I am, nevertheless, utterly
and completely miserable.
Pa. Oh, but why ?
Gro.s. My child-love for you has never faded. Conceive,
then, the horror of my situation when I tell you that it is my
hideous destiny to be madly loved by every woman I come
across !
Pa. But why do you make yourself so picturesque? Why
not disguise yourself, disfigure yourself, anything to escape this
persecution ?
Gros. No, Patience, that may not be. These gifts irksome
as they are have been confided to me for the enjoyment and
delectation of my fellow-creatures. I am a trustee for Beauty,
and it is my duty to see that the conditions of my trust are
faithfully discharged.
Pa. And you, too, are a Poet ?
Gros. Yes, I am the Apostle of Simplicity. I am called
" Archibald the All-right " -for I am infallible !
Pa. And is it possible that you condescend to love such a
girl as I ?
Gros. Yes, Patience, is it not strange ? I have loved you
with a Florentine fourteenth-century i'renzy for full fifteen
years !
Pa. Oh, marvellous ! I have hitherto been deaf to the
voice of love I seem now to know what love is ! It has been
revealed to me it is Archibald Grosvenor !
io8 PATIENCE; OR,
Gros. Yes, Patience, it is ! (Embrace.)
Pa. (as in a trance). We will never, never part !
Gros. We will live and die together !
Pa. I swear it !
Gros. We both swear it ! (Embrace.)
Pa. (recoiling from him). But oh, horror !
Gros. What's the matter?
Pa. Why, you are perfection ! A source of endless ecstasy
to all who know you !
Gros. I know I am well ?
Pa. Then, bless my heart, there can be nothing unselfish in
loving you !
Gros. Merciful powers, I never thought of that !
Pa. To monopolize those features on which all women love
to linger ! It would be unpardonable !
Gros. Why, so it would ! Oh, fatal perfection, again you
interpose between me and my happiness !
Pa. Oh, if you were but a thought less beautiful than you
are!
Gros. Would that I were ; but candour compels me to admit
that I'm not !
Pa. Our duty is clear; we must part, and for ever!
Gros. Oh, misery ! And yet I cannot question the propriety
of your decision. Farewell, Patience !
Pa. Farewell, Archibald ! But stay !
Gros. Yes, Patience ?
Pa. Although I may not love you for you are perfect
there is nothing to prevent your loving me. I am plain, homely,
unattractive !
Gros. Why, that's true !
Pa. The love of such a man as you for such a girl as I must
be unselfish !
Gros, Unselfishness itself !
DEUT. PATIENCE AND GROSVENOK.
Pa. Though, to marry you would very selfish be
Gros* Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly !
Pa. You may all the same continue loving me
Gros. Hey, but I'm doleful willow willow waly !
Both. All the world ignoring,
^ on
Hey willow waly !
[At the end, exeunt despairingly, in opposite directions.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 109
Enter BUNTIIORNE, crowned with roses and hung about with
garlands, and looldng very miserable. He is led by ANGELA
and SAPHIR (each of whom holds an end of the rose-garland
by which he is bound), and accompanied by procession of
Maidens. They are dancing classically, and playing on
cymbals, double pipes, and other archaic instruments.
CHORUS.
Let the merry cymbals sound,
Gaily pipe Pandaean pleasure,
With a Daphnephoric bound
Tread a gay but classic measure.
Every heart with hope is beating,
For at this exciting meeting
Fickle Fortune will decide
Who shall be our Bunthorne's bride !
Enter Dragoons, led by COLONEL, MAJOR, and DUKE. They
are surprised at proceedings.
CHORUS OF DRAGOOXS.
Xow tell us, we pray you,
Why thus you array you
Oh, poet, how say you
What is it you've done ?
Duke. Of rite sacrificial.
By sentence judicial,
This seems the initial,
Then why don't you run ?
Col. They cannot have led you,
To hang or behead you,
Nor may they all wed you,
Unfortunate one !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Then tell us, we pray you,
Why thus they array you
Oh, poet, how say you
What is it you've done ?
RECITATIVE. BUNTHORXE.
Heart-broken at my Patience's barbarity,
By the advice of my solicitor (introducing his solicitor),
In aid in aid of a deserving charity.
I've put myself up to be raffled for !
Maiden?, By the advice of his solicitor
'He's put himself up t<- l>e raffled for !
no PATIENCE; OR,
Dragoons. Oh, horror ! urged by his solicitor,
He's put himself up to be raffled for !
Maidens. Oh, Heaven's blessing on his solicitor !
Dragoons. A hideous curse on his solicitor !
[The Solicitor, horrified at the Dragoons' curse, rushes off.
Col. Stay, we implore you,
Before our hopes are blighted !
You see before you
The men to whom you're plighted !
CHORUS OF DRAGOONS.
Stay we implore you,
For we adore you ;
To us you're plighted
To be united
Stay we implore you !
SOLO. DUKE.
Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel
To pity's eloquent appeal,
Such conduct British soldiers feel.
(Aside to Dragoons.) Sigh, sigh, all sigh ! [They all sigh.
To foeman's steel we rarely see
A British soldier bend the knee,
Yet, one and all, they kneel to ye
(Aside to Dragoons.) Kneel, kneel, all kneel ! [They all kneel.
Our soldiers very seldom cry,
And yet I need not tell you. why
A tear-drop dews each martial eye !
(Aside to Dragoons.) Weep, weep, all weep ! [They all iveep.
ENSEMBLE.
Our soldiers very seldom cry
And yet I need not tell you why
A tear-drop dews each manly eye !
Weep, weep, all weep !
L author ne (who has 'been impatient during the appeal).
Come, walk up, and purchase with avidity,
Overcome your diffidence and natural timidity,
Tickets for the raffle should be purchased with avidity,
Put in half a guinea and a husband you may gain
Such a judge of blue-and-white, and other kinds of pottery
From early Oriental, down to modern terra-cotta-ry
Put in half a guinea you may draw him in a lottery
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
Chorus. Such a judge of blue-and-white, etc.
BUNTffORNE'S BRIDE. in
[Maidens crowd up to purchase tickets duriny this
Dragoons dance in single file round stage to express
their indifference.
Dragoons. We've been thrown over, we're aware,
But we don't care but we don't care !
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don't care so we don't care !
[During this the Girls have been buying tickets. At last,
JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE looks at her
with aversion.
RECITATIVE.
Bun. And are you going, a ticket for to buy ?
Jane (surprised}. Most certainly I am ; why should not I ?
Bun. (aside). Oh, Fortune this is hard! (Aloud.) Blindfold
your eyes ;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize !
[Girls blindfold theinselccs.
CHORUS OF MAIDENS.
Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind ;
Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind ! ( Each uncovers one eye.)
Just raise your bandage, thus, that you may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me ! ( They cover their eyes
again.)
Bun. Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first !
Jane (joyfully). He loves me best !
Bun. (aside). I want to know the worst !
[JANE draws a paper, and is about to open it, ivhen
PATIENCE enters. PATIENCE snatches paper from
JANE and tears it up.
Pa. Hold ! Stay your hand !
All (uncovering their eyes). What means this interference ?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance !
Jane. Away with you, and to your milk-pails go?
Bun. (suddenly). She wants a ticket ! Take a dozen ! !
Pa. No !
SOLO. PATIENCE, kneeling to BUNTHORNE.
If there be pardon in your breast
For a poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest,
Sincerely doth repent.
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be vour bride !
112 PATIENCE; OR,
All, Oh, shameless one !
Oh, boldfaced thing !
Away you run
Go, take you wing, '
You shameless one !
You boldfaced thing !
Sun, How strong is love ! For many and many a week,
She's loved me fondly and has feared to speak,
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art and here we are !
Pa, No, Mr. Bunthorne, no you're wrong again,
Permit me I'll endeavour to explain!
SONG. PATIENCE.
True love must single-hearted be
Bun. Exactly so !
Pa. From every selfish fancy free
Bun. Exactly so !
Pa, No idle thought of gain or joy,
A maiden's fancy should employ-
True love must be without alloy.
All. Exactly so !
Pa. Imposture to contempt must lead
Col. Exactly so !
Pa. Blind vanity's dissension's seed
Maj. Exactly so !
Pa, It follows then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you (indicating BUNTHORNE),
Is prompted by no selfish view !
All. Exactly so !
Saph. (taking BUNTHORNE aside). Are you resolved to wed
this shameless one ?
Ang. Is there no chance for any other ?
Sun. (decisively}. None !
[Embraces PATIENCE.
[ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take COLONEL, DUKE, and
MAJOR down, while Girls gaze fondly at other
Officers.
SESTETTE.
I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old old love, long dead
It whispers my sorrowing heart " rejoice "
For the last sad tear is shed
The pain that is all but a pleasure we'll change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh, never, this heart will range
From that old old love again ! [Girls embrace Officers.
Chorus. Yes, the pain that is all, etc. [Embrace.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 113
[ As the Dragoons and Girls are embracing, enter Guos-
VEXOR, reading. lie takes no notice of them, but
comes slowly down, still reading. The Girls are all
strangely fascinated by him and gradually withdraw
from Dragoons.
AIXJ. But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he conies of noble race V
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow's interesting trace V
ENSEMBLE. TUTTI.
Yes, who is this ? etc.
Gros. I am a broken-hearted troubadour,
Whose mind's aesthetic, and whose tastes are pure !
Any. ^Esthetic ! He is aesthetic !
Gros. Yes, yes I am aesthetic
And poetic !
All the Ladies. Then, we love you !
[The Girls leave Dragoons and group, kneeling, around
GROSVEXOR. Fury of BUNTHOKNE, who recognizes
a rival.
Dragoons. They love him ! Horror !
Jhm. and Pa. They love him ! Horror !
Gros. They love me ! Horror! Horror! Horror!
ENSEMBLE. TUTTI.
GIRLS. GROSVENOR.
Oh, list while we a love confess Again my cursed comeliness
That words imperfectly express. Spreads hopeless anguish and dis-
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not tress,
close Thine ears, Fortune, did not close
To blighted love's distract ing woes ! To my intolerable woes.
Nor be distressed, nor scandalized Let me be hideous, undersized,
If what we do is ill-advised, Contemned, degraded, loathed, de-
Or we shall seek within the tomb spised.
Relief from our appalling doom ! Or bid me seek within the tomb
Relief from my detested doom !
PATIENCE. BUN.
List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't express,
A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly confess,
That it's unselfish, goodness His shell-like ear he does not close
knows, To their recital of their woes
You won't dispute it, I suppose. I'm more than anery and surprised,
For you are hideous undersized, I'm pained, and shocked, and scau-
And everything that I've despised, dalized,
And I shall love yon, I presume, But he shall meet a hideous doom
I'ntil I sin!; into the tomb ! Prepared for him by I kr.o\v
whom !
IH. I
H4 PATIENCE ; OR,
ACT II.
SCENE. A glade. In the centre a small sheet of water. JANE
is discovered leaning on a violoncello, upon which she
presently accompanies herself.
Jane. The fickle crew have deserted Eeginald and sworn
allegiance to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced
with passing favour on a puling milkmaid ! Fools ! Of that
fancy he will soon weary and then I, who alone am faithful
to him, shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long,
Keginald, for my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they
are decaying. Better secure me ere I have gone too far ?
RECITATIVE. JANE.
Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to " dim her eyes ! "
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved " combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve and pearly grey,
To " make up " for lost time, as best she may !
SOXG. JANE.
Silvered is the raven hair
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait.
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limped eye,'
Little will be left of me,
In the coming by-and-b} r !
Fading is the taper waist
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although securely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim !
Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I
There will be too much of me
In the coming by-aad-by ! [Exit JANE.
Enter GROSVENOR, followed ~by Maidens, two and two, each
playing on an archaic instrument, as in Act I. lie is
reading abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I. t and
pays no attention to them.
BUMTHORNES BRIDE. 115
CHORUS OF MAIDENS.
Turn, oh, turn, in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection
Our poor fainting hearts beguile !
On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or-incontinently perish,
In their all consuming rays !
\He, sits they group around him.
Gros. (aside). The old old tale. How rapturously these
maidens love me, and how hopelessly ! Ob, Patience, Patience,
with the love of thee in my heart, what have I for these
poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity ? Alas, they will
die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of hopeless love for
thcc!
Ang. Sir, will it please you read to us ? {Kneels.}
Gros. (sighing). Yes, child, if you will. What shall I
read ?
Ang. One of your own poems.
Gros. One of my own poems ? Better not, my child. They
will not cure thee of thy love.
Ella. Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own
every day.
Saph. And, to do him justice, he read them extremely
well.
Gros. Oh, did he so ? Well, who am I that I should take
upon myself to withhold my gifts from you ? What am I but
a trustee ? Here is a decalet a pure and simple thing, a very
daisy a babe might understand it. To appreciate it it is not
necessary to think of anything at all.
Ang. Let us think of nothing at all !
GROSVEXOR recites.
Gentle Jane was as good as gold,
She always did as she was told.
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught blue-bottles their legs to pull ;
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage !
Gros. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one
word in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of
shame to the cheek of modesty.
u6 PATIENCE; OR,
Ang. Nut one ; it is purity itself.
Gns. Here's another.
Teasing Tom was a very bad bo}' ;
A great big squirt was his favourite to}' ;
He put live shrimps in his father's boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits ;
He punched his poor little sisters' heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds ;
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally !
Ang. Marked you how grandly how relentlessly the
damning catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a
poised hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer. Oh,
it was terrible !
Ella. Ob, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our
hearts, and they go out to you !
Gros. (aside). This is simply cloying. (Aloud.) Ladies, I
am sorry to distress you, but you have been following me about
ever since Monday, and this is Saturday. I should like the
usual half-holiday, and if you will kindly allow me to close
early to-day, I shall take it as a personal favour.
Saph. Oh, sir, do not send us from you !
Gros. Poor, poor girls ! It is best to speak plainly. I know
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for
my heart is fixed elsewhere ! Eemember the fable of the
Magnet and the Churn !
Ang. (wildly). But we don't know the fable of the Magnet
and the Churn !
Gros. Don't you ? Then I will sing it to you.
SONG. GROSVENOR.
A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives ;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him,
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn !
All. A Silver Churn !
Gros. A Silver Churn !
His most {esthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn
" If I can wheedle
A knife or needle,
Why not a Silver Churn ? "
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 117
Chor. His most aesthetic, etc.
(Jros. And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The pen-knives felt " shut up," no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves " cut out,"
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,
While every nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up and drove them home.
All. It drove them home ?
Gros. It drove them home ;
While this magnetic
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour,
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn !
All. While this magnetic, etc.
\Tliey go off in low spirits, gazing lack at him from time
to time.
Gros. At last they are gone! Wheat is this mysterious
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across. A
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests !
PATIENCE appears.
Pa. Archibald!
Gros. (turns and sees her). Patience !
Pa. I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald.
I wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still
love me as fondly as ever ?
Gros. Love you ? If the devotion of a lifetime (Seizes
her hand.)
Pa. {indignantly'). Hold ! Unhand me, or I scream. (He
releases her.) If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I
am another's! (Very tenderly.) But you do love me, don't
you?
Gros. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly !
Pa. That's right ! I can never be yours ; but that's right !
Gros. And you love this Bunthorne ?
Pa. With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches,
and burns, and stings ! (Sadly.) It is my duty.
Gros. Admirable girl ! But you are not happy with him ?
Pa. Happy ? I am miserable beyond description !
Gros. That's right ! I never can be yours ; but that's right !
Pa. But go now I see dear Reginald approaching. Fare-
H8 PATIENCE; OR,
well, dear Archibald, I cannot tell you how happy it has made
me to know that you still love me.
Gros. Ah, if I only dared (Advances towards her.)
Pa. Sir ! This language to one who is promised to another !
(Tenderly.) Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my
heart is breaking ! He is so unkind to me, and you would be
so loving !
Gros. Loving ! (Advances towards her.)
Pa. Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman,
I scream! (Tenderly.} Farewell, Archibald ! (Sternly.) Stop
there! (Tenderly.) Think of me sometimes! (Angrily.)
Advance at your peril ! Once more, adieu !
[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply,
and exit. She bursts into tears.
*
Enter BuNTHORNE,/oZZ0;ed by JANE. He is moody and
preoccupied.
JANE sings.
In a melancholy train,
One and one I walk all day ;
Pity those who love in vain
None so sorrowful as they,
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alack a-day !
Bun. (seeing PATIENCE). Crying, eh ? What are you crying
about ?
Pa. I've only been thinking how dearly I love you !
Bun. Love me ! Bah !
Jane. Love him ! Bah !
Bun. (to JANE). Don't you interfere.
Jane. He always crushes me !
Pa. (going to him). What is the matter, dear Eeginald ? If
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with
you. (Sighing.) It is my duty !
Bun. (snappishly). Whom were you talking with, just now ?
Pa. With dear Archibald.
Bun. (furiously). With dear Archibald ! Upon my honour,
this is too much !
Jane. A great deal too much !
Bun. (angrily to JANE). Do be quiet !
Jane. Crushed again !
Pa. I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect being
I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he
is devotedly atttached to me, but indeed I don't love him.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 119
Whenever he grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty !
(Sighing).
Hun. I dare say !
Jane. So do I. / dare say !
Pa. Why, how could I love him and love you too ? You
can't love two people at once !
Sun. I don't believe you know what love is !
Pa. (sighing). Yes, I do! There was a happy time when
I didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me!
BALLAD. PATIENCE.
Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suffering maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed.
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad.
Blind to his every mote,
Merry when he is glad !
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true !
Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at every frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your tear-drops down,
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir ;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her !
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true !
[At the end of ballad, exit PATIENCE, weeping.
Bun. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-
faced idiot carne here. Before that I was admired ; I may say,
loved.
Jane. Too mild. Adored !
Dun. Do let a poet soliloquize ! The darnozels used to follow
me wherever I went ; now they all follow him !
Jane. Not all ! I am still faithful to you.
Bun. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are !
Jane. No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up ! I will never
leave you, I swear it !
Bun. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his con-
120 PATIENCE; OR t
founded mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if 3^011
please ! And no doubt 1 am highly spiced.
Jane. Not for my taste !
Bun. (savagely}. No; 'but I am for theirs. But I can be as
mild as he. If they want insipidity, they shall have it. I'll
meet this fellow on his own ground and beat him on it.
Jane. You shall. And I will help you.
Bun. You will ? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you,
after all !
DUET. BUNTHORXE AND JAKE.
Jane. So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical
Bun. Sing "Hey to you
Good day to you "
And that's what I shall say !
Jane. "Your style is much too sanctified your cut is too
canonical
Bun. Sing "Bah to you
Ha ! ha ! to you "-
And that's what I shall say !
Jane. " I was the beau ideal of the morbid young lesthetical
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."
Bun. Sing " Booh to you
Pooh, pooh, to you"
And that's what I shall say !
Both. Sing " Hey to you, good day to you "
Sing "Bah to you, ha ! ha ! to you "
Sing "Booh to you, pooh, pooh"
And that's what -{ u } shall say !
Bun. I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more jocular
Jane. Say " Booh to you
Pooh, pooh, to you "
And that's what you should say !
Bun. To cut his curly hair, and stick an eye-glass in his ocular
Jane. Sing " Bah to you
Ha ! ha ! to you "
And that's what you should say !
Bun. To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with avidity
He'd better clear away with all convenient rapidity.
Jane. Sing " Hey to you
Good day to you"
And that's what you should say !
Both. Sing " Booh to you pooh, pooh, to you,"
Sing " Bah to you ha! ha ! to you,"
Sing " Hey to you good day to you "
And that's what shall say !
[Exeunt JANE and BUNTHORXE torjetltcr.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE.
[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR. They have abandoned
their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation
of JEsthetics. They have long hair, and other outward
signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they
^valk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes a grotesque
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted ly Bunthorne and the
young Ladies in Act I.
TRIO.
DUKE, COLONEL, AND MAJOR.
It's clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring ;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing :
You hold yourself like this (attitude),
You hold yourself like that (attitude),
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude).
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect.
If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid,
You can't get high Esthetic tastes like trousers, ready made.
True views on Medievalism, Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort of thing :
You hold yourself like this (attitude),
You hold yourself like that (attitude),
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat (attitude),
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him (attitude).
Col. (attitude). Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to
become as aesthetic as they are.
Maj. (attitude). No doubt. The only question is how far
we've succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an
idea that this is not quite right.
Duke (attitude). I don't like it. I never did. I don't see
what it means. I do it, but I don't like it.
Col. My good friend, the question is not whether we like if,
but whether they do. They understand these things we don't.
Now, I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough at a
distance.
Maj. I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It would
be extremely awkward if we were to be " struck " so !
Col. I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a
little awkward at first but everything must have a beginning.
Oh, here they come ! 'Tention !
122 PATIENCE; OR,
They sir ike fresh attitudes, as ANG. and SAPHIR enter.
Aug. (seeing them).~~Gh, Saphir see see! The immortal
fire has descended ou them, and they are of the Inner Brother-
hood perceptively intense and consummately utter! (The
Officers have some difficulty in maintaining their constrained
attitudes.)
Saph. (in admiration). How Botticellian ! How Fra
Angelican ! Oh, Art ! I thank thee for this boon !
Col. (apologetically). I'm afraid we're not quite right.
Ang. Not supremely, perhaps, but, oh, so ail-but! (To
SAPHIR.) Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too ail-but?
Saph. They are indeed jolly utter.
Maj. (in agony). What do the Inner Brotherhood usually
recommend for cramp ?
Col. Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the ex-
tremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without
its effect.
Ang. We will not deny that we are much moved by this
proof of your attachment.
Saph. Yes, your conversion to the principles of -/Esthetic Art
in its highest development has touched us deeply.
Ang. And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdurate
Saph. Which we have every reason to believe he will
Maj. (aside, in agony). I wish they'd make haste.
Ang. We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts
will not go out to you.
Col. (as giving a word of command). By sections of threes
Rapture! (All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of (Esthetic
rapture.)
Saph. Oh, it's extremely good for beginners it's admir-
able.
Maj. The only question is, who will take who ?
Saph. Oh, the Duke choose first, as a matter of course.
Duke. Oh, I couldn't think of it you are really too
good!
Col. Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance
of hooking you.
Duke. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose
Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. Suppose you
choose Saphir, Major takes Angela, I take nobody. Suppose
you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear
as dav !
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 123
QUINTETTE.
DUKE, COLONEL, MAJOR, ANGELA, AND SAPHIR.
DUKE (taking SAPHIR).
If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life ;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.
\_IIandirtg ANGELA to COLONEL.
[DUKE dances with SAPHIR, COLONEL ivith ANGELA,
MAJOR dances alone.
MAJOR (dancing alone),
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to be contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
DUKE (taking ANGELA).
If on Angy I determine,
At niy wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine,
Major then can take Saphir !
[Handing SAPHIR to MAJOR.
[DuKE dances ivith ANGELA, MAJOR with SAPHIR,
COLONEL dances alone.
COLONEL (dancing}.
In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to be contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
DUKE (taking both ANGELA and SAPHIR).
After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,
[Handing SAPHIR to COLONEL.
Angy be the Major's bride !
[Handing ANGELA to MAJOR.
[COLONEL dances with SAPHIR, MAJOR with ANGELA,
DUKE dances alone. ]
124 PATIENCE; OR,
DUKE (dancing').
In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy !
ALL (dancing as before).
He will have to live contented
With our heartfelt sympathy !
[At the end, DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, and tuo Girls
dance off arm in arm.
Enter GROSVENOE.
Gros. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will ! (Looking at his reflection in
hand-mirror.') Ah ! I am a very Narcissus !
Enter BUNTHORNE, moodily.
Bun. It's no use, I can't live without admiration ! Since
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah,
he is there !
Gros. Ah, Bunthorne, come here look ! Very graceful,
isn't it?
Bun. (taking hand-mirror). Yes, it is graceful.
Gros. (re-taking hand-mirror'). Oh ! good gracious not that
Bun. You don't mean that. Bah ! I am in no mood for
trifling.
Gros. And what is amiss ?
Bun. Ever since you came here, you have entirely mono-
polized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir !
Gros. My dear sir, how can I help it ? They are the plague
of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal dis-
advantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being
madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet.
Bun. Sir, until you came here I was adored !
Gros. Exactly until I came here. That's my grievance.
I cut everybody out ! I assure you, if you could only suggest
some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I
could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my
everlasting gratitude.
Bun. I will do so at once. However popular it may be
BUNTHORNES BRIDE. 125
with the world at large, your personal appearance is highly
objectionable to me.
Gros. It is? (Shaking his hand.) Oh, thank you, thank
you ! How can I express my gratitude ?
Bun. By making a complete change at once. Your conver-
sation must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must
cut your hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and
costume you must be absolutely commonplace.
Gros. (decidedly'). No. Pardon me, that's impossible.
Bun. Take care. When I am thwarted I am very terrible.
Gros. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And
that mission must be fulfilled.
Bun. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me.
Gros. I don't care what they are.
Bun. Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I will do it
but suppose for one moment, I were to curse you ? (Giios-
VENOR quails.) Ah! Very well. Take care.
Gros. But surely you would never do that? (In great
alarm.)
Bun. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no
doubt. Still
Gros. (wildly). But you would not do it I am sure you
would not. (Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE'S knees, and
clinging to him.) Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother
once.
Bun. Never !
Gros. Then you had an aunt ! (BUNTHORNE affected.) Ah!
I see you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you
to pause ere you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr.
Bunthorne, reflect, reflect ! ( Weeping^.)
Bun. (aside, after a struggle with himself). I must not allow
myself to be unmanned ! (Aloud.) It is useless. Consent at
once, or may a nephew's curse
Gros. Hold. Are you absolutely resolved ?
Bun. Absolutely.
Gros. Will nothing shake you ?
Bun. Nothing. I am adamant.
Gros. Very good. (Rising.) Then I yield.
Bun. Ha ! You swear it ?
Gros. I do. Cheerfully. I have long wished for a reason-
able pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at
last. I do it on compulsion!
Bun. Victory ! I triumph !
126 PATIENCE: OR,
DUET, BUXTHORXE AND GROSVEXOE.
Bun. When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.
I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And " High diddle diddle "
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste !
A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man.
Both. A most intense young man, etc.
Gros. Conceive me, if you can,
An everyday young man ;
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan.
Who thinks suburban " hops,"
More fun than "Monday pops."
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.
A commonplace young man
A matter-of-fact young man
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday
Everyday young man !
Bun. A Japanese young man
A blue-and-white young man
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piininy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man.
Gros. A Chancery Lane young man
A Somerset House young man
A very delectable, highly respectable,
Threepenny-bus young man !
Bun. A pallid and thin young man
A haggard and lank young man
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man !
Gros. A Sewell and Cross young man
A Howell and James young man
A pushing young particle " What's the next
article "
Waterloo House young man !
BUNT&ORN&S BRIDE. 127
ENSEMBLE.
BUN. GKOS.
Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young A matter-of-fact young man,
man, An alphabetical, arithmetical,
An ultra-poetical, super-a3sthctical, Everyday young man !
Out-of-the-way young man !
[At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. BUNTIIORXE
remains.
Bun. It is all right ! I have committed my last act of ill-
nature, and henceforth I'm a reformed character.
[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air.
Enter PATIENCE. She gazes in astonishment at him.
Pa. Keginald! Dancing! And what in the world is the
matter with you ?
Bun. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto, I've been
gloomy, moody, fitful uncertain in temper, and selfish in
disposition
Pa. You have indeed ! (Sighing.)
Sun. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have
modelled myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly
cheerful. My conversation will blend amusement with in-
struction. I shall still be esthetic ; but my asstheticism wilt
be of the most pastoral kind.
Pa. Oh, Reginald ! Is all this true V
Bun. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. (Assuming
a fixed smile.)
Pa. But, Keginald, how long will this last ?
Bun. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as
long as I do.
Pa. Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy ! (In his arms.) Oh, dear,
dear Reginald, I cannot express the joy I feel at this change.
It will no longer be a duty to love you, but a pleasure a
rapture, an ecstasy !
Bun. My darling !
Pa. But oh, horror ! (Recoiling from him.)
Bun. What's the matter ?
Pa. Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed
that you are .henceforth a perfect being utterly free from
defect of any kind ?
Bun. It is quite certain. I have sworn it !
Pa. Then I never can be yours !
Bun. Why not?
US PATIENCE; OR,
Pa. Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there
can bo nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you
have now become !
Bun. But, stop a bit, I don't want to reform I'll relapse
I'll be as I was
Pa. No ; love should purify it should never debase.
Bun. But, I assure you, I interrupted !
Enter GROSVENOR, followed by all the young Ladies, who are
followed ~by chorus of Dragoons. He has had his hair cut,
and is dressed in an ordinary suit of dittos and a pot hat.
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked
contrast to their former languor.
CHORUS GROSVENOR AND LADIES.
GROS. LADIES.
I'm a Waterloo House young man, We're Swears and Wells young
A Sewell and Cross young man, girls,
A steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank- We're Madame Louise young girls,
holiday, We're prettily pattering, cheerily
Everyday young man. chattering,
Everyday young girls.
Gros. I'm a Waterloo House young man !
Girls. We're Swears and Wells young girls !
Gros. I'm a Sewell and Cross young man !
Girls. We're Madam Louise young girls !
Gros. \ I'm a steady and stolid-y, jolly Bank-holiday,
f Everyday young man !
Ladies. I We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,
Everyday young girls !
Bun. Angela Ella Saphir what what does this mean ?
Ang. It means that Archibald the All-right cannot be
wrong; and if the All-right chooses to discard sestheticism, it
proves that ffistheticism ought to be discarded.
Pa. Oh, Archibald ! Archibald! I'm shocked surprised
horrified !
Gros. I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on
compulsion.
Pa. This is terrible. Go ! I shall never set eyes on you
again. But oh, joy !
Gros. What is the matter ?
Pa. Is it quite, quite certain that you will always be a
commonplace young man ?
Gros. Always I've sworn it.
BUNTHORN&S BRIDE. 129
Pa. Why, then, there's nothing to prevent "my loving you
with all the fervour at my command !
Oros. Why, that's true.
Pa. My Archibald !
Gros. My Patience! (They embrace.)
Bun. Crushed again !
Enter JANE.
Jane (ivho is still (esthetic). Cheer up ! I am still here. I
have never left you, and I never will !
Bun. Thank you, Jane. After all, there is no denying it,
you're a fine figure of a woman !
Jane. My Reginald !
Bun. My Jane !
Flourish. Enter COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR.
Col. Ladies, the Duke has at length determined to select a
bride! (General excitement.)
Duke. I have a great gift to bestow. Approach, such of you
as are truly lovely. (All come forward, bashfully, except JANE
and PATIENCE.) In personal beauty you have all that is
necessary to make a woman happy. In common fairness, I
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the
misfortune to be distinctly plain. (Girls retire disappointed.)
Jane !
Jane (leaving BUNTHORNE'S arms). Duke ! (JANE and
DUKE embrace. BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted.)
Bun. Crushed again !
FIXALE.
Duke. After much debate internal
I on Lady Jane decide,
Saphir now may take the Colonel,
Angy be the Major's bride !
[SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL, ANGELA with the
MAJOR, ELLA with Solicitor.
Bun. In that case unprecedented,
Single I must live and die,
I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or lily !
[Takes a lily from button-hole, and gazes affectionately
at it.
All. He will have to be contented
With a tulip or lily !
111. K
130 PATIENCE; OR, BUNTHORNES BRIDE.
All '. Greatly pleased with one another,
To get married we decide,
Each of us will wed the other,
Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride !
DANCE.
CUKTAIN.
PRINCESS IDA;
OR,
CASTLE ADAMANT.
A RESPECTFUL OPERATIC PER-VERSION OF
TENN Y SON'S ' ' PRfNCESS, ' '
IN THREE ACTS.
Produced at the Savoy Theatre, Saturday, January $th, 1884, under
the management of MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
KING HILDEBRAND MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
HILARION, his Son MR. H. BRACY.
CYRIL, 1 (MR. DURWARD LELY.
> Hnarion s friends ... <
FLORIAN j I. MR. CHAS. RYLEY.
KING GAMA MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
ARAC (MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
GURON I his Sons \ MR. WARWICK GRAY.
SCYNTHIUS J ' MR. LUGG.
PRINCESS IDA, Gama's Daughter ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM.
LADY BLANCHE, Professor of Abstract
Science Miss BRANDRAM.
LADY PSYCHE, Professor of Humanities Miss KATE CHARD.
MELISSA, Lady Blanche's Daughter ... Miss JESSIE BOND.
SACHARISSA "j /-Miss SYBIL GREY.
CHLOE \ Girl Graduates ... | Miss HEATHCOTE.
ADA J [ Miss LILIAN CARR.
Soldiers, Courtiers, Girl Graduates) Daughters of the Plough, etc.
ACT I.
PAVILION IN KING HILDEBRAND'S PALACE.
ACT II.
GARDENS OF CASTLE ADAMANT.
ACT III.
COURTYARD OF CASTLE ADAMANT.
PRINCESS IDA;
OR,
CASTLE ADAMANT.
ACT I.
SCENE. Pavilion attached to KING HILDEBRAND'S Palace.
Soldiers and Courtiers discovered looking out through opera*
glasses, telescopes, etc., FLORIAN leading.
CHORUS.
Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who to-day should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter
Ida is her name.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them consequently
Search throughout the panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion's flame !
SOLO.
Flor. Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted ?
AIL Who can tell"?
Flor. Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted ?
All. Who can tell?
Flor. Will she back out, and say she did not mean them ?
All. Who can tell?
Flor. If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them !
All. No, no we'll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Hildebrand, and so,
Search throughout, etc.
134 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Enter KING HILDEBRAND, with CYRIL.
Hild. See you no sign of Gama ?
Flor. None, my liege !
Hild. It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail
To put in an appearance at our Court
Before the sun has set in yonder west,
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here,
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
At the extremely early age of one,
There's war between King Gama and ourselves !
(Aside to CYRIL.) Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview,
It's twenty years since he and I have met.
He was a twisted monster all awry
As though dame Nature, angry with her work,
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance !
Cyr. But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was
A kind, well-spoken gentlemen ?
Eild. Oh, no !
For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
(His " sting " is present, though his " stung" is past.)
Flor. (looking through glass). But stay, my liege ; o'er
yonder mountain's brow
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms ;
And now, I look more closely at it, sir,
I see attached to it King Gama's legs ;
From which I gather this corollary
That that small body must be Gama's own !
Hild. Ha ! Is the Princess with him ?
Flor. Well, my liege,
Unless her highness is full six feet high,
And wears moustachios too and smokes cigars
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel
I do not think she is.
Hild. One never knows.
She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things!
Come, bustle there !
For Gama place the richest robes we own
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out
For Gama place cold water and dry bread !
For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
CASTLE ADAMANT. 135
Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
Much more than everything much less than nothing !
SONG AXD CHORUS.
Hild. Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand
CHORUS.
To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow !
Hild. If Garna bring the Princess here
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.
CHORUS.
If she come here
We'll give him a cheer,
And we will show you how.
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
We'll shout and sing
Long live the king,
And his daughter, too, I trow !
Then shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
For the fair Princess and her good papa,
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah !
Hild. But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both !
CHORUS.
He'll trounce them both,
Upon his oath.
As sure as quarter day !
Hild. We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.
CHORUS.
From dungeon cell,
His funeral knell,
Shall strike him with dismay !
And we'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hip, hip, hurrah !
As up we string,
The faithless King,
In the old familiar way !
136 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
We'll shout ha ! ha ! hip, hip, hurrah !
As we make an end of her false papa.
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah !
Hip, hip, hurrah ! hurrah ! [Exeunt all.
Enter HILABION.
RECITATIVE. HILARION.
To-day we meet my baby bride and I
But, ah, niy hopes are balanced by my fears !
What transmutations have been conjured by
The silent alchemy of twenty years !
BALLAD. HILARION.
Ida was a twelvemonth old,
Twenty years ago !
I was twice her age, I'm told,
Twenty years ago !
Husband twice as old as wife
Argues ill for married life
Baleful prophecies were rife,
Twenty years ago !
Still, I was a tiny prince
Twenty years ago.
She has gained upon me, since
Twenty years ago.
Though she twenty-one, it's true,
I am barely twenty-two
False and foolish prophets you,
Twenty years ago !
Enter HILDEBRAND.
Hil. Well, father, is there news for me at last ?
Hild. King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
With no Princess !
Hil. Alas, my liege, I've heard
That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
And, with a band of women, shut herself
Within a lonely country house, and there
Devotes herself to stern philosophies !
Hild. Then I should say the loss of such a wife
Is one to which a reasonable man
Would easily be reconciled.
Hil. Oh no!
Or I am not a reasonable man.
She is my wife has been for twenty years !
(Looking through glass.) I think I see her now.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 137
Ha ! let me look !
Eil. In my mind's eye, I mean a blushing bride,
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow !
How exquisite she looked, as she was borne,
-Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms ;
How the bride wept nor would be comforted
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce,
Administered refreshment in the vestry.
And I remember feeling much annoyed
That she should weep at marrying with me.
But then I thought, " These brides are all alike.
You cry at marrying me ? How much more cause
You'd have to cry if it were broken off ! "
These were my thoughts ; I kept them to myself,
For at that age I had not learnt to speak.
Enter Courtiers, with CYRIL and FLORIAN.
Chorus. From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama.
Who, to-day, should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter
Ida is her name !
Enter ABAC, GURON and SCYNTHIUS.
SONG. ARAC.
We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama, Hex,
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
Arac. Politics we bar,
They are not our bent ;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
All Three. No, no,
Not intelligent.
Arac. But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part
Fighting is our trade.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
All Three. Bold, and fierce, and strong, ha ! ha !
For a war we burn,
138 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
With its right or wrong, ha ! ha !
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha !
Order is obeyed,
We are men of might, ha ! ha !
Fighting is our trade.
Yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade, ha ! ha !
Fighting is our trade.
Chorus, j They are men of might, ha ! Im !
Order comes to fight, ha ! ha !
Order is obeyed, ha ! ha !
Fighting is their trade !
Enter KING GAM A.
SONG. GAMA.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am !
I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ;
I love my fellow-creatures I do all the good I can
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply,
And vanity I always do my best to mortify ;
A charitable action I can skilfully dissect ;
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect ;
I know everybody's income and what everybody earns ;
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns ;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
I'm sure I'm no ascetic ; I'm as pleasant as can be ;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man !
And I can't think why !
Oama. So this is Castle Hildebrand ? Well, well !
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand ;
She told me that your taste was exquisite,
Superb, unparalleled !
Hild. (gratified}. Oh, really, king !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 139
Gama. But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown !
Is this Hilarion ? Why, you've changed too
You were a singularly handsome child!
(To Florian.) Are you a courtier? Come, then, ply
your trade,
Tell me some lies. How do you like your king ?
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
Now, that's not true ?
Flo. My lord, we love our king
His wise remarks are valued by his court
As precious stones.
Gama. And for the selfsame cause,
Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
Derive their value from their scarcity !
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once !
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.
This leg is crooked this foot is ill-designed
This shoulder wears a hump ! Come, out with it!
Look, here's my face 1 Now, am I not the worst
Of Nature's blunders ?
Cyril. Nature never errs.
To those who know the workings of your mind,
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
Appropriately bound.
Gama (enraged). Why, hark ye, sir,
How dare you bandy words with me?
^ Cyril. No need,
To bandy aught that appertains to you.
Gama (furiously). Do you permit this, king ?
Hild. We are in doubt
Whether to treat you as an honoured guest,
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word,
And breaks it.
Gama (quickly). If the casting vote's with me,
I give it for the former !
Hild. We shall see.
By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day ;
Why is she not with you ?
Gama. Answer me this ;
What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes ?
What name have you for such an one ?
140 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Hild. A snob.
Gama. Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity, and pluck.
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade,
These brilliant qualities before your eyes ?
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob !
Hild. (furiously}. Stop that tongue,
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it !
Gama. Bravo ! your king deprives me of my head,
That he and I may meet on equal terms !
Hild. Where is she now ?
Gama. In Castle Adamant,
One of my many country houses.
She rules a woman's University,
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.
Cyril. A hundred girls ! A hundred ecstasies !
Gama. But no mere girls, my good young gentleman ;
With all the college learning that you boast,
The youngest there will prove a match for you.
Cyril. With all my heart, if she's the prettiest !
( To Flo.) Fancy a hundred matches all alight !
That's if I strike them as I hope to do !
Gama. Despair your hope ; their hearts are dead to men.
He who desires to gain their favour must
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir,
And they light only on the knowledge box
So youv'e no chance !
Flo. Are there no males whatever in those walls ?
Gama. None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails
And they are driven (as males often are
In other large communities) by women.
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
She'll scarcely suffer Dr. Watt's hymns
And all the animals she owns are " hers " !
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn
Cyril. Ah, then they have male poultry ?
Gama. Not at all,
{Confidentially.} The Growing's done by an accomplished
hen!
DUET. GAMA AND HILDEBRAND.
Garnet. Perhaps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely
CASTLE ADAMANT. 141
Humbly beg and humbly sue
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely !
All. Humbly beg and humbly sue, etc.
Hitd. Go you, and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don't, we'll storm the lady,
Most politely, most politely !
(To Gama). You'll remain as hostage here ;
Should Hilarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely !
C He'll ^|
All. < I'll V remain as hostage here, etc.
[GAMA, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are marched
off in custody, HILDEBRAND following.
RECITATIVE. HILARION.
Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage ;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature has armed us for the war we wage !
TKIO. HILARION, CYRIL, AND FLORIAN.
Ilil. Expressive glances
Shall be our lances,
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We'll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy !
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet !
Oh, fragrant violet !
Oh, gentle heigho-let
(Or little sigh)
On sweet urbanity,
Though mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely !
Cyr When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We'll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc.
1 42 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Flo. We'll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
And little heeding
Their pretty pleading
Our love exceeding
We'll justify !
Chor. Oh, dainty triolet, etc.
He-enter GAMA, ABAC, GUKON, and SCYNTHIUS heavily ironed.
RECITATIVE.
Gama. Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?
Hild. You must !
Gama. This seems unnecessarily severe !
Arac, Guron, and Scynthius. Hear, hear !
TRIO. ARAC, GUUON AND SCYNTHIUS.
For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell ;
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum-tum-tum
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom ! boom !
All. Boom ! boom ! boom ! boom !
Rum-ttimmy-tummy-tum !
Boom ! boom !
Hild. When Hilarion's bride
Has at length compiled
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle.
For the rum-tum-tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom ! boom !
All. Boom ! boom ! etc.
All. But till that time J JJj!Jj j here remain,
And bail -f they \ will not entertain,
CASTLE ADAMANT. 143
Should she ~| Qva J- mandate disobcj-,
Your li vcs the penalty will pay !
[GAM A, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS arc marched
ACT II.
Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the back of
the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle Ada?nant in
the distance. Girl graduates discovered seated at the feet
P/LADY PSYCHE.
CHORUS.
Towards the empyrean heights
Of every kind of lore,
We've taken several easy nights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess
We mutually impart.
SOLO. MELISSA.
Pray what authors should she read
Who in Classics would succeed ?
PSYCHE.
If you'd cross the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid's Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal :
These are worth attention, all ;
But, if you will be advised.
You will get them Bowdlerized !
CHORUS.
Yes, we'll do as we're advised,
We will get them Bowdlerized !
SOLO. SACHARISSA.
Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What's the thing that's known as Man ?
PSYCHE.
Man will swear, and Man will storm
Man is not at all good form
144 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Man is of no kind of use
Man's a donkey Man's a goose
Man is coarse, and Man is plain
Man is more or less insane
Man's a ribald Man's a rake,
Man is Nature's sole mistake !
CHORUS.
We'll a memorandum make
Man is Nature's sole mistake !
And thus to empyrean height
Of every kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess,
We mutually impart !
Enter LADY BLANCHE. All stand up demurely.
Bla. Attention, ladies, while I read to you
The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled !
All. Expelled!
Bla. Expelled, because although she knew
No man of any kind may pass our walls,
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here !
Sack, (crying). I meant no harm ; they're only men of
wood !
Bla. They're men with whom you give each other mate,
And that's enough ! The next is Chloe.
Chloe. Ah!
Bla. Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
When looking through her drawing-book, I found
A sketch of a perambulator !
All (horrified). Oh !
Bla. Double perambulator, shameless girl !
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray !
Your Principal the Princess comes to give
Her usual inaugural address
To those young ladies who joined yesterday.
Enter the PRINCESS.
CHORUS.
Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
CASTLE ADAMANT. MS
We are blind, and we would see ;
We are bound, and would be free ;
We are dumb, and we would talk ;
We are lame, and we would walk.
Mighty maiden with a mission
Paragon of common sense ;
Running fount of erudition
Miracle of eloquence !
Prin. (Recit.) Minerva ! hear me :
ARIA.
At this my call
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall.
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light,
Endow with sight
Their unillumined eyes.
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine !
Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes
Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
Attend, while I unfold a parable.
The elephant is mightier than Man,
Yet Man subdues him. Why ? The elephant
Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her forehead}.
And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's,
As Woman's brain to Man's (that's rule of three)
Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
In Mathematics, Woman leads the way
The narrow-minded pedant still believes
That two and two make four ! Why we can prove,
We women household drudges as we are
That two and two make five or three or seven ;
Or five and twenty, if the case demands !
Diplomacy ? The wiliest diplomate
Is absolutely helpless in our hands,
He wheedles monarchs woman wheedles him !
Logic ? Why, tyrant Man himself admits
It's waste of time to argue with a woman !
Then we excel in social qualities :
Though Man professes that he holds our sex
In utter scorn, I venture to believe
He'd rather spend the day with one of you,
Than with five hundred of his fellow-men !
III. L
146 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
In all things we excel. Believing this,
A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,
We'll treat him better than he treated us :
But if we fail, why then let hope fail too !
Let no one care a penny how she looks
Let red be worn with yellow blue with green
Crimson with scarlet violet with blue !
Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves,
At inconvenient moments come undone !
Let hair-pins lose their virtue : let the hook
Disdain the fascination of the eye
The bashful button modestly evade
The soft embraces of the button-hole !
Let old associations all dissolve,
Let Swan secede from Edgar Gask from Gask,
Sewell from Cross Lewis from Allenby !
In other words let Chaos come again !
{Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day ?
Bla. I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
There I propose considering, at length,
Three points The Is, the Might Be, and the Must :
Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
Is more important than the vague Might Be,
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
Is for that reason greater than the Is :
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
Compared with the inevitable Must !
Prin. The subject's deep how do you treat it, pray ?
Bla. Madam, I take three possibilities,
And strike a balance, then, between the three !
As thus : The Princess Ida Is our head,
The Lady Psyche Might Be Lady Blanche,
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
Given these three hypotheses to find
The actual betting against each of them !
Prin. Your theme's ambitious : pray you bear in mind
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well,
You and your pupils ! Maidens, follow me.
[Exeunt PRINCESS and Maidens, singing refrain of
chorus, " And thus to empyrean heights" etc.
Manet LADY BLANCHE.
Bla. I should command here I was born to rule.
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know.
I shall some day. Not yet. I bide my time.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 147
I once was Sonic One and the Was Will Be.
The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
The Past repeats itself, and so is Future !
This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.
SONG. LADY BLANCHE.
Come mighty Must !
Inevitable Shall !
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal !
Go, mocking Is !
Go, disappointing Was !
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause !
Yet humble second shall be first,
I ween ;
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been !
Oh, weak Might Be !
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should !
How powerless ye
For evil or for good !
In every sense
Your moods I cheerless call,
Whate'er your tense
Ye are Imperfect, all !
Ye have deceived the trust that I've shown
In ye !
Away ! The Mighty Must alone
Shall be !
{Exit LADY BLANCHE.
Enter HILARION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN, climbing over ivall, and
creeping cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of
the stage.
TRIO. HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAN.
Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are !
In this college
Useful knowledge
Everywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We've enlarged our minds.
148 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Cyr. We've learnt that prickly cactus
Has the power to attract us
When we fall..
All. When we fall !
Hil. That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles,
Short or tall.
All. Short or tall !
Flor, ' That bull-dogs feed on throttles
That we don't like broken bottles
On a wall.
All. On a wall !
Hil, That spring-guns breathe defiance !
And that burglary's a science
After all.
All. After all !
RECITATIVE. FLORIAN.
A Woman's college ! maddest folly going !
W T hat can girls learn within its walls worth knowing ?
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
I'll teach them twice as much in half an hour outside it.
HILARION.
Hush, scoffer ; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder !
They intend to send a wire
To the moon to the moon ;
And they'll set the Thames on fire
Very soon very soon ;
Then they learn to make silk purses
With their rigs with their rigs
From the ears of Lady Circe's
Piggy-wigs pi ggy-wigs.
And weazels at their slumbers
They trepan they trepan ;
To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They've a plan they've a plan.
They've a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can if they can.
These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.
All. These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 149
Cyr. As for fashion, they forswear it,
So they say so they say
And the circle they will square it
Some fine day some fine day
Then the little pigs they're teaching
For to fly for to fly ;
And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
By-and-by by-and-by !
Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan to the clan
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man known as Man
They mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him,
And they're "going to do without him "
If they can if they can !
These are the phenomena
That every pretty domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.
All. These are the phenomena, etc.
Hil. So that's the Princess Ida's castle ! Well,
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
Such walls as those to keep intruders off!
Cyr. To keep men off is only half their charge,
And that the easier half. I much suspect
The object of these walls is not so much
To keep men off as keep the maidens in !
Flo. But what are these ?
[Examining some collegiate robes.
Hil. (looking at them). Why, Academic robes,
Worn by the lady undergraduates,
When they matriculate. Let's try them on. [They do so.
Why, see we're covered to the very toes.
Three lovely lady undergraduates
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing
Flo. And penitent for deeds there's no undoing
Cyr. Looked at askance by well-conducted maids
Ail. Seek sanctuary in these classic shades !
TRIO. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FL.ORIAN.
Hil. I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with a face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately ?
Every heart I meet is mine !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
150 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance.
Cyr. 1 am a maiden frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery ;
Merriment lurks in every dimple,
Nobody breaks more hearts than I !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me ! [Dance.
Flo. I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid I as a startled hind ;
Every suitor sets me flushing :
I am the maid that wins mankind !
All. Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me !
Enter the PRINCESS, reading. She does not see them.
Flo. But who comes here? The Princess, as I live !
What shall we do ?
EH. (aside). Why, we must brave it out !
{Aloud}. Madam, accept our humblest reverence.
[They low, then suddenly recollecting themselves,
curtsy.
Prin. (surprised). We greet you, ladies. What would
you with us ?
Nil. (aside). What shall I say ? (Aloud.) We are three
students, ma'am,
Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
Who wish to join this University.
[HILARION and FLORIAN curtsy again. CYRIL bows
extravagantly, then, being recalled to himself by
FLORIAN, curtsys.
Prin. If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.
Flo. To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.
Prin. You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find
No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line 'twixt rich and poor : you'll find no tufts
To mark nobility, except such tufts
As indicate nobility of brain.
As for your fellow-students, mark me well :
CASTLE ADAMANT. 151
There are a hundred maids within these walls,
All good, all learned, and all heautiful :
They are prepared to love you : will you swear
To give the fulness of your love to them ?
Hil. Upon our words and honours, ma'am, we will !
Prin. But we go further : will you undertake
That you will never marry any man ?
Flo. Indeed we never will !
Prin. Consider well,
You must prefer our maids to all mankind !
Hil. To all mankind we much prefer your maids !
Cyr. We should be dolts indeed, if we did not,
Seeing how fair
Hil. (aside to CYRIL). Take care that's rather strong !
Prin. But have you left no lovers at your home
Who may pursue you here ?
Hil. No, madam, none.
We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
And we have never fished for lover's love.
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
False hair, and meretricious ornament,
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
But do not imitate them. What we have
Of- hair, is all our own. Our colour, too,
Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
To reckon Nature an impertinence.
Prin. Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls ;
If all you say is true, you'll spend with us
A happy, happy time !
Cyr. If, as you say,
A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
I think there's very little doubt we shall !
QUARTETTE. PRINCESS, HILARION, CYRIL, FLOKIAN.
Prin. The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue.
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.
Hil, The world is everything you say,
The world we think has had its day,
Its merriment is slow,
152 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
Alas!
We've tried it, and we know,
Alas!
We've tried it and we know.
TUTTI.
PRINCESS. HILARIOX, CYRIL, FLORIAN.
The world is but a broken toy, The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasures hollow false its joy, We freely give it up with joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue. Unreal its loveliest hue.
Alas ! Alas !
Its pains alone are true, We quite agree with you,
Alas ! Alas !
Its pains alone are true ! We quite agree with you !
[Exit PRINCESS. The three Gentlemen ivatch her off.
LADY PSYCHE enters, and regards them with amazement.
Eil. I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen !
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
And maids against our will we must remain !
[All laugh heartily.
Psy. (aside). These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.
[ Tlie Gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume
their modest demeanour.
Flo. (aside.) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion !
This is my sister ! She'll remember me,
Though years have passed since she and I have met !
Hil. (aside to FLORIAN). Then make a virtue of necessity,
And trust our secret to her gentle care.
Flor. (to PSYCHE, who has watched CYRIL in amazement).
Psyche.
Why, don't you know me ? Florian !
Psy. (amazed). Why, Florian !
Flor. My sister ! (Embraces her.)
Psy. Oh, my dear !
What are you doing here and who are these ?
Eil. I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian a
And Cyril, come to see me safely through.
Psy. The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange !
My earliest playfellows !
Eil. Why, let me look !
Are you that learned little Psyche who
At school alarmed her mates because she called
A buttercup " ranunculus bulbosus ? "
CASTLE ADAMANT. 153
Cyr. Are you indeed that Lady Psyche who
At children's parties drove the conjuror wild,
Explaining all his tricks before he did them ?
Hil. Are you that learned little Psyche, who
At dinner parties, brought into dessert,
Would tackle visitors with " You don't know
Who first determined longitude I do
Hipparchus 'twas B.C. one sixty-three ! "
Are you indeed that small phenomenon ?
Psy. That small phenomenon indeed am I !
But, gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here :
We have all promised to renounce mankind !
Flo. Kenounce mankind ? On what ground do you base
This senseless resolution ?
Psy. Senseless ? No.
We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.
Cyr. That's rather strong.
The truth is always strong.
SONG. LADY PSYCHE.
The Ape and the Lady.
A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one
So it would not do
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Expressed such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.
With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail,
He grew moustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club-
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess's,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen !
He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots
And to start in life on a bran new plan,
He christened himself Darwinian Man !
154 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved.
Was a radiant Being,
With a brain far-seeing
While a Man, however well-behaved,
At best is only a monkey shaved !
During this MELISSA has entered unobserved : she looks on in
amazement.
Mel, (coming down). Oh, Lady Psyche !
Psy. (terrified). What ! you heard us then ?
Oh, all is lost !
Mel. Not so ! I'll breathe no word !
[Advancing in astonishment to FLORIAN.
How marvellously strange ! and are you then
Indeed young men ?
Flo. Well, yes, just now we are
But hope by dint of study to become,
In course of time, young women.
Mel. (eagerly). No, no, no
Oh, don't do that ! Is this indeed a man ?
I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,
Never set eyes on one. They told me men
Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed !
They're quite as beautiful as women are !
As beautiful, they're infinitely more so !
Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which
One gets so weary of in womankind :
Their features are more marked and oh, their china !
How curious ! [Feeling his chin.
Flo. I fear it's rather rough.
Mel. (eagerly). Oh, don't apologize I like it so !
QUINTETTE. PSYCHE, MELISSA, HILARION, CYRIL, FLORIAX.
Psy. The woman of the wisest wit
May sometimes be mistaken, !
In Ida's views, I must admit,
~^ ^, My faith is somewhat shaken, !
Cyr. On every other point than this,
Her learning is unshaken, O !
But Man's a theme with which she is
Entirely unacquainted, O !
acquainted, O !
acquainted, !
Entirely unacquainted, I
CASTLE ADAMANT. 155
All. Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found the truth is found !
Set bells a-ringing through the air
Ring here and there and everywhere
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found the truth is found ! [Dance.
Mel. My natural instinct teaches me
(And instinct is important, O !)
You're everything you ought to be,
And nothing that you oughtn't, !
Hit. That fact was seen at once by you
In casual conversation, O !
Which is most creditable to
Your powers of observation, O !
servation, O !
servation, O !
Your powers of observation, O !
All. Then jump for joy, etc.
[Exeunt PSYCHE, HILAKION, CYRIL, and FLORIAN.
MELISSA going.
Enter LADY BLANCHE.
Bla. Melissa !
Mel. (returning). Mother!
Bla. Here a word with you.
Those are the three new students ?
Mel. (confused}. Yes, they are.
They're charming girls.
Bla. Particularly so.
So graceful, and so very womanly !
So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments !
Mel. (confused}. Yes very skilled.
Bla. They sing so nicely too !
Mel. They do sing nicely !
Bla. Humph ! It's very odd.
One is a tenor, two are baritones !
Mel. (much agitated). They've all got colds !
Bla. Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind ?
These " girls " are men disguised !
Mel. Oh no indeed !
You wrong these gentlemen I mean why see,
Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an etui),
Containing scissors, needles, and
Bla. (opening it.) Cigars !
Why these are men ! And you knew this, you minx.
156 PRINCESS IDA : OR,
Mel. Oh, spare them they are gentlemen indeed.
The Prince Hilarion (married years ago
To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends !
Consider, mother, he's her husband now,
And has been, twenty years ! Consider too,
You're only second here you should be first.
Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains
The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.
You will design the fashions think of that
And always serve out all the punishments !
The scheme is harmless, mother wink at it !
Bla. (aside). The prospect's tempting ! Well, well,
well, I'll try-
Though I've not winked at anything for years !
'Tis but one step towards my destiny
The mighty Must ! the inevitable Shall !
DUET. MELISSA and LADY BLANCHE.
Mel. Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast,
And guide this University ?
Bla. I must agree
'Twould pleasant be.
(Sing hey a Proper Pride !)
Mel. And wouldn't you like to clear the coast
Of malice and perversity ?
Bla. Without a doubt
I'll bundle 'em out,
Sing hey, when I preside !
Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some !
Marry come up, and < ^ > day will come !
Sing Proper Pride
Is the horse to ride,
And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O !
Bla. For years I've writhed beneath her sneers,
Although a born Plantagenet !
Mel. You're much too meek,
Or you would speak.
(Sing hey, I'll say no more !)
Bla. Her elder I, by several years,
Although you'd never imagine it.
Mel. Sing, so I've heard
But never a word
Have I ever believed before !
Both. Sing, hoity, toity ! Sorry for some !
Marry come up, -| j 1 ^ > day will come !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 157
Sing, she shall learn
That a worm will turn.
Sing, Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, 0.!
[Exit LADY BLANCHE.
Mel. Saved for a time, at least !
Enter FLORIAN, on tiptoe.
Flo. (whispering). Melissa come!
Mel. Oh, sir ! you must away from this at once
My mother guessed your sex ! It was my fault
I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,
" Can these be men ? " Then, seeing this, " Why
these "
" Are men," she would have added, but " are men "
Stuck in her throat ! She keeps your secret, sir,
For reasons of her own but, fly from this
And take me with you that is no not that !
Flo. I'll go, but not without you ! (Bell} Why, what's
that?
Mel. The luncheon bell.
Flo. I'll wait for luncheon then !
Enter HILARION with PRINCESS, CYRIL with PSYCHE, LADY
BLANCHE and Ladies. Also " Daughters of the Plough "
bearing luncheon, which they spread on the rocks.
CHORUS.
Merrily ring the luncheon bell !
Here in meadow of asphodel,
Feast we body and mind as well,
So merrily ring the luncheon bell !
SOLO. BLANCHE.
Hunger, I beg to state,
Is highly indelicate,
This is a fact profoundly true
So learn your appetites to subdue.
All. Yes, yes,
"We'll learn our appetites to subdue !
SOLO. CYRIL, (eating).
Madam, your words so wise,
Nobody should despise,
Cursed with an appetite keen I am
And I'll subdue it
And I'll subdue it
And I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb !
158 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
All. Yes, yes
We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb !
Chorus. Merrily ring, etc.
Prin. You say you know the court of Hildebrand ?
There is a Prince there I forget his name
Nil Hilarion?
Prin. Exactly is he well ?
Hil. If it be well to droop and pine and mope,
To sigh " Oh, Ida ! Ida ! " all day long,
" Ida ! my love ! my life ! Oh come to me ! "
If it be well, I say, to do all this,
Then Prince Hilarion is very well.
Prin. He breathes our name? Well, it's a common
one !
And is the booby comely ?
Hil. Pretty well.
I've heard it said that if I dressed myself
In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this
Consisted with my maiden modesty),
I might be taken for Hilarion's self.
But what is this to you or me, who think
Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?
Prin. Contempt ? Why, damsel, when I think of man,
Contempt is not the word.
Cyr. (getting tipsy). I'm sure of that,
Or if it is, it surely should not be !
Eil. (aside to CYRIL). Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find
us out.
Cyr* The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad !
Prin. You know him then ?
Cyr. (tipsily). I rather think I do !
We are inseparables !
Prin. Why, what's this ?
You love him, then ?
Cyr. We do indeed all three !
Hil Madam, she jests ! (Aside to CYRIL.) Remember
where you are !
Cyr. Jests ? Not at all ! Why, bless my heart alive,
You and Hilarion, when at the Court,
Rode the same horse !
Prin. (horrified). Astride ?
Cyr. Of course ! Why not ?
Wore the same clothes and once or twice, I think,
Got tipsy in the same good company !
Prin. Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word I
CASTLE ADAMANT. 159
Cyr. (tipsy). Don't you remember that old kissing-song
He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage,
The hostess of the Pigeons ? Thus it ran :
SONG. CYRIL.
[During symphony HILARION and FLOUIAN try to stop
CYRIL. He shakes them off angrily.
Would you know the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a ?
Eyes must be downcast and staid,
Cheeks must flush for shame-a !
She may neither dance nor sing,
But, demure in everj^thing,
Hang her head in modest way,
With pouting lips that seem to say
" Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a,"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a !
When a maid is bold and gay
With a tongue goes clang-a,
Flaunting it in brave array,
Maiden may go hang-a !
Sunflower gay and hollyhock
Never shall my garden stock ;
Mine the blushing rose of May, .
With pouting lips that seem to say,
"Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die for shame-a ! "
Please you that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart a flame-a !
Prin. Infamous creature, get you hence away !
[HILARION, who has been with difficulty restrained
by FLOEIAN during this song, breaks from him
and strikes CYRIL furiously on the breast.
Nil. Dog ! there is something more to sing about !
Cyr. (sobered). Hilarion, are you mad ?
Prin. (horrified). Hilarion? Help!
Why these are men ! Lost ! lost ! betrayed ! undone 1
[Running on to bridge.
Girls, get you hence ! Man-monsters, if you dare
Approach one step, I Ah !
[.Loses her balance, and falls into the stream.
Psy. Oh ! save her, sir !
Bla. It's useless, sir you'll only catch your death !
[HILARION springs in.
Sach. He catches her !
Mel. And now he lets her go!
160 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Again she's in his grasp
Psy. And now she's not.
He seizes her back hair !
Bla. (not looking'). And it comes off !
Psy. No, no ! She's saved ! she's saved ! she's saved !
she's saved !
[HILARION is seen swimming with PRINCESS in one
arm. The PRINCESS and he are brought to land.
FINALE.
CHORUS OF LADIES.
Oh ! joy, our chief is saved,
And by Hilarion's hand ;
The torrent fierce he braved,
And brought her safe to land !
For his intrusion we must own
This doughty deed may well atone ;
lrin. Stand forth ye three,
Whoe'er ye be,
And hearken to our stern decree ;
Hil., Cyr., and Ho. Have mercy, lady disregard your oaths !
Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes !
The man whose sacrilegious eyes
Invade our strict seclusion, dies.
"Arrest these coarse intruding spies !
[They are arrested l>y the " Daughters of the Plough."
Flo., Cyr., and Ladies. Have mercy lady disregard your oaths !
Prin. I know not mercy, men in women's clothes.
[CYRIL and FLORIAN are bound.
SONG. HILARION.
Whom thou hast chained must wear his chain,
Thou canst not set him free,
He wrestles with his bonds in vain
Who lives by loving thee !
If heart of stone for heart of fire,
Be all thou hast to give,
If dead to me my heart's desire,
Why should I wish to live ?
No word of thine no stern command
Can teach my heart to rove,
Then rather perish by thy hand,
Than live without thy love !
A loveless life apart from thee
Were hopeless slaver}-,
If kindly death will set me free,
Why should I fear to die ?
[_He is bound by two of the attendants, and the three
Gentlemen are marched off.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 161
Enter MELISSA.
Mel. Madam, without the castle walls
An armed band
Demand admittance to our halls
For Hildebrand !
All. Oh, horror !
Prin. Deny them ;
We will defy them !
All. Too late too late !
The castle gate
Is battered by them !
[The gate yields. HILDEBRAND and Soldiers rush in.
ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS are with them, but
with their hands handcuffed.
All (Soldiers and Ladles). Too late too late,
The castle gate
Is battered by them !
ENSEMBLE.
GIULS. MEX.
Rend the air with wailing, Walls and fences scaling,
Shed the shameful tear ! Promptly we appear ;
Walls are unavailing, Walls are unavailing,
Man has entered here ! We have entered here.
Shame and desecration Female execration
Are his staunch allies, Stifle if you're wise,
Let your lamentation Stop your lamentation,
Echo to the skies ! Dry your pretty eyes !
RECITATIVE.
Piin. Audacious tyrant, do you dare
To beard a maiden in her lair ?
King. Since you inquire,
We've no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !
Sol. No, no we've no desire
To beard a maiden here, or anywhere !
SOLO. HlLDEDUAND.
Some years ago,
No doubt you know
(And if you don't I'll tell you so),
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Ililarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break,
(If you think you may, it's a great mistake,)
nr. M
1 62 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
For a bride's a bride
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one !
And I'm a peppery kind of King,
Who's indisposed for parleying
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that's the long and the short of it !
All. For he's a peppery kind of King, etc.
If you decide
To pocket your pride,
And let Hilarion claim his bride,
Why, well and good,
It's understood
We'll let bygones go by-
But if you choose
To sulk in the blues,
I'll make the whole of you shake in your shoes.
I'll storm your walls,
And level your halls,
In the twinkling of an eye !
For I'm a peppery Potentate,
Who's little inclined his claim to bate.
To fit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that's the long and the short of it.
TRIO. AKAC, GURON, AND SCYNTHIUS.
We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That, if you thwart this gentleman,
He'll slay us.
We don't fear death, of course we're taught
To shame it ;
But still upon the whole we thought
We'd name it,
(2o each other}. Yes, yes, better perhaps to name it.
Our interests we would not press
With chatter,
Three hulking brothers more or less
Don't matter ;
If you'd pooh-pooh this monarch's plan,
Pooh-pooh it,
But when he says he'll hang a man,
He'll do it.
(To each other). Yes, yes, devil doubt he'll do it.
Priii. (Recit.). Be reassured, nor fear his anger blind.
His menaces are idle as the wind.
He dares not kill you vengeance lurks behind !
Ar., Our,, Scyn. We rather think he dares, but never mind ;
No, no, never, never mind
King. Enough of parley as a special boon
Vie give you till to-morrow afternoon !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 163
Kelease Hilarion, then, and be his bride,
Or you'll incur the guilt of fraticide !
ENSEMBLE.
PRINCESS. THE OTHERS.
To yield at once to such a foe Oh ! yield at once, 'twere better so
With shame were rife ; Than risk a strife !
So quick ; away with him, al- And let the Prince Hilarion go^
though He saved thy life !
He saved my life ! Hilarion's fair, and strong, and
That he is fair, and strong, and tall
tall, A worse misfortune might befal
Is very evident to all, It's not so dreadful, after all,
Yet I will die before I call To be his wife !
Myself his wife !
SOLO. PRINCESS.
Though I am but a girl,
Defiance thus I hurl,
Our banners all
On outer wall
We fearlessly unfurl.
All. Though she is but a girl, etc.
PRINCESS. THE OTHERS.
That he is fair, etc. Hilarion's fair, etc.
PRINCESS stands, surrounded by the Girls kneeling.
The KING and Soldiers stand on built rocks at lack
and sides of stage. Picture.
CURTAIN.
ACT III.
SCENE. Outer Walls and Courtyard of Castle Adamant.
MELISSA, SACHARISSA, and Ladies discovered, armed with
battle-axes.
CHORUS.
Death to the invader !
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe !
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low !
164 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
SOLO. MELISSA.
Thus our courage, .all untarnished
We're instructed to display :
But, to tell the truth unvarnished,
We are more inclined to say,
" Please you, do not hurt us."
All. " Do not hurt us, if it please 3*011 ! "
Mel. '* Please you let us be."
All. "Let us be let us be ! "
Mel. " Soldiers disconcert us."
All. " Disconcert us, if it please you ! "
Mel. " Frightened maids are we."
All. " Maids are we maids are we ! "
MELISSA.
But 'twould be an error
To confess our terror,
So, in Ida's name,
Boldly we exclaim :
CHORUS.
Death to the invader
Strike a deadly blow,
As an old Crusader
Struck his Paynim foe
Let our martial thunder
Fill his soul with wonder,
Tear his ranks asunder,
Lay the tyrant low !
flourish. Enter PRINCESS, armed, attended by BLANCHE and
PSYCHE.
Prin. I like your spirit, girls ! We have to meet
Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day :
Wear naught but what is necessary to
Preserve your dignity before their eyes,
And give your limbs full play.
Ula. One moment, ma'am.
Here is a paradox we should not pass
Without inquiry. We are prone to say
" This thing is Needful that, Superfluous "
Yet they invariably co-exist !
We find the Needful comprehended in
The circle of the grand Superfluous,
Yet the Superfluous cannot be bought
Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful.
These singular considerations are
Prin. Superfluous, yet not Needful so you see
CASTLE ADAMANT. 165
The terms may independently exist.
( To Ladies.) Women of Adamant, we have to show
That Woman, educated to the task,
Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground,
And beat him there. Now let us set to work ;
Where is our lady surgeon ?
Sac. Madam, here!
Prin. We shall require your skill to heal the wounds
Of those that fall.
Sac. (alarmed). What, heal the wounded ?
Prin. Yes !
Sac. And cut off real live legs and arms ?
Prin. Of course !
Sac. I wouldn't do it for a thousand pounds !
Prin. Why, how is this? Are you faint-hearted, girl?
You've often cut them off in theory !
Sac. In theory I'll cut them off again,
With pleasure, and as often as you like,
But not in practice.
Prin. Coward ! get you hence,
I've craft enough for that, and courage too ;
I'll do your work. My fusiliers, advance !
Why, you are armed with axes ! Gilded toys !
Where are your rifles, pray ?
Chloe. Why, please you, ma'am,
We left them in the armoury, for fear
That in the heat and turmoil of the fight
They might go off !
Prin. " " They might ! " Oh, craven souls !
Go off yourselves ! Thank Heaven, I have a heart
That quails not at the thought of meeting men ;
/will discharge your rifles! Off with you !
Where's my bandmistress ?
Ada. Please you, ma'am, the band
Do not feel well, and can't come out to-day !
Prin. Why, this is flat rebellion ! I've no time
To talk to them just now. But, happily,
I can play several instruments at once,
And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall
With trumpet music, such as soldiers love !
How stand we with respect to gunpowder ?
My Lady Psyche you who superintend
Our lab'ratory are you well prepared
To blow these bearded rascals into shreds ?
Psy. Why, madam
1 66 PRINCESS IDA; OR,
Prin. Well ?
Psy. Let us try gentler means.
We can dispense with fulminating grains
While we have eyes with which to flash our rage !
We can dispense with villainous saltpetre
While we have tongues with which to blow them up !
We can dispense, in short, with all the arts
That brutalize the practical polemist !
Prin. (contemptuously*). I never knew a more dispensing
chemist !
Away, away I'll meet these men alone,
Since all my women have deserted me !
[Exeunt all but PRINCESS, singing refrain of " Death
to the Invader," pianissimo.
Pri. So fail my cherished plans so fails my faith
And with it hope, and all that comes of hope !
SOXG. PRINCESS.
I built upon a rock ;
But ere Destruction's hand
Dealt equal lot
To Court and cot,
My rock had turned to sand !
Ah, faithless rock,
My simple faith to mock !
I leant upon an oak ;
But in the hour of need,
Alack-a-day,
My trusted stay
Was but a bruised reed !
Ah, trait'rous oak,
Thy worthlessness to cloak !
I drew a sword of steel ;
But when to home and hearth
The battle's breath
Bore fire and death,
My sword was but a lath !
Ah, coward steel,
That fear can unanneal !
[She sinks on a bank
Enter CHLOE and all tJ/e Ladies.
Chloc. Madam, your father and your brothers claim
An audience !
Prin. What do they do here ?
Chloe. They come
To fight for you !
CASTLE ADAMANT. 167
Priii. Admit them !
Bla. Infamous !
One's brothers, ma'am, are men !
Prin. So I have heard ;
But all my women seem to fail me when
I need them most. In this emergency,
Even one's brothers may be turned to use.
Enter GAMA, quite pale and unnerved.
Gama. My daughter !
Prin. Father ! thou art free !
Gama. Ay, free !
Free as a tethered ass ! I come to thee
With words from Hildebrand. Those duly given,
1 must return to black captivity.
I'm free so far.
Prin. Your message.
Gama. Hildebrand
Is loth to war with women. Pit my sons,
My three brave sons, against these popinjays,
These tufted jack-a-dandy featherheads,
And on the issue let thy hand depend !
Prin. Insult on insult's head ! Are we a stake
For fighting men ? What fiend possesses thee,
That thou hast come with offers such as these
From such as he to such an one as I ?
Gama. I am possessed
By the pale devil of a shaking heart !
My stubborn will is bent. I dare not face
That devilish monarch's black malignity !
He tortures me with torments worse than death,
I haven't anything to grumble at !
He finds out what particular meats I love,
And gives me them. The very choicest wines,
The costliest robes the richest rooms are mine :
He suffers none to thwart my simplest plan.
And gives strict orders none should contradict me !
He's made iny life a curse ! [Jl'ee^s.
Prin. My tortured father !
SONG. GAMA.
Whene'er I spoke
Sarcastic joke
Replete with malice spiteful,
1 68 PRINCESS IDA;
This people mild
Politely smiled,
And voted me delightful !
Now when a wight
Sits up all night
Ill-natured jokes devising,
And all his wiles
Are met with smiles,
It's hard, there's no disguising !
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at !
When German bands
From music stands
Played Wagner imper/ecfty
" I bade them go
They didn't say no,
But off they went directly !
The organ boys
They stopped their noise
With readiness surprising,
And grinning herds
Of hurdy-gurds
Retired apologizing !
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long, etc.
I offered gold
In sums untold
To all who'd contradict me
I said I'd pay
A pound a day
To any one who kicked me
I "bribed with toys
Great viilgar boys
To utter something spiteful,
But, bless you, no !
They would be so
Confoundedly politeful !
In short, these aggravating lads
They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,
They give me "this and they give me that,
And I've nothing whatever to grumble at !
[He bursts into tears, and falls sobbing on a lank.
Prin. My poor old father ! How he must have suffered !
Well, well, I yield !
Gama. (hysterically). She yields ! I'm saved, I'm saved !
Prin. Open the gates admit these warriors,
Then get you all within the castle walls.
[The gates are opened, and the Girls mount _ the
battlements as HILDEBRAND enters with Soldiers.
Aho ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTIIIUS.
CASTLE ADAMANT. 169
CHORUS OF SOLDIERS.
When anger spreads his wing,
And all seems dark as night for it,
There's nothing but to light for it,
But ere you pitch your ring,
Select a pretty site for it,
(This spot is suited quite for it),
And then you gaily sing,
" Oh, I love the jolly rattle
Of an ordeal by battle,
There's an end of tittle-tattle,
When your enemy is dead.
It's an arrant molley coddle,
Fears a crack upon the noddle,
And he's only fit to swaddle,
In a downy feather-bed !
All. For a fight's a kind of thing
That I love to look upon,
So let us sing.
Long live the King,
And his son Hilarion !
{During this, HILARION, FLORIAN, and CYRIL are
brought out by the " Daughters of the Plough."
They are still bound and wear the robes.
Gama. Hilarion ! Cyril ! Florian ! dressed as women !
Is this indeed Hilarion ?
Hil. Yes, it is !
G-ama. Why, you look handsome in your women's
clothes !
Stick to 'em ! men's attire becomes you not !
( To CYRIL and FLORIAN.) And you, young ladies, will you
please to pray
King Hildebrand to set me free again ?
Hang on his neck and gaze into his eyes,
Pie never could resist a pretty face !
Hil. You dog, you'll rind though I wear woman's garb,
My sword is long and sharp !
Gama. Hush, pretty one !
Here's a virago ! Here's a termagant !
If length and sharpness go for anything,
You'll want no sword while you can wag your tongue !
Cyril. What need to waste your words on such as he V
He's old and crippled.
Gama. Ay, but I've three sons,
Fine fellows, young, and muscular, and brave,
1 70 PRINCESS IDA;
They're well worth talking to ! Come, what d'ye say ?
Arac. Ay, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us,
If three rude warriors affright you not !
Hil. Old as you are I'd wring your shrivelled neck
If you were not the Princess Ida's father.
Gama. If I were not the Princess Ida's father,
And so had not her brothers for my sons,
No doubt you'd wring my neck in safety too !
Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin !
Give them no quarter they will give you none.
You've this advantage over warriors
Who kill their country's enemies for pay
You know what you are fighting for look there !
[Pointing to Ladies on the battlements.
SONG. ARAC.
This helmet, I suppose,
Was meant to ward off blows.
It's very hot,
And weighs a lot,
As many a guardsman knows,
So-off that helmet goes.
Tlic Three Knights. Yes, yes,
So off that helmet goes !
[Giving their helmets to attendants.
Arac. This tight-fitting cuirass
Is but a useless mass,
It's made of steel,
And weighs a deal.
A man is but an ass
Who fights in a cuirass,
So off goes that cuirass.
All Three. Yes, yes,
So off goes that cuirass ! [Removing cuirasses.
Arac. These brassets, truth to tell,
May look uncommon well,
But in a fight
They're much to tight,
They're like a lobster shell !
All Three. Yes, yes,
They're like a lobster shell.
[Removing their brassets.
Arac. These things I treat the same, [Indicating leg pieces.
(I quite forget their name)
They turn one's legs
To cribbage pegs
CASTLE ADAMANT. \1\
Their aid I thus disclaim,
Though I forgot their name.
All Three. Yes, yes,
Though we forget their name,
Their aid we thus disclaim !
[They remove their leg pieces and wear close fitting
shape suits.
[Desperate fight between the three Princes and the
three Knights during which the Ladies on the
battlements and the Soldiers on the stage sing
the following chorus
This is our duty plain towards
Our Princess all immaculate
We ought to bless her brothers' swords
And piously ejaculate :
Oh, Hungary !
Oh, Hungary !
Oh, doughty sons of Hungary !
May all success
Attend and bless
Your warlike ironmongery !
[By this time, ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS arc
on the ground, wounded HILARION, CYRIL
and FLORIAN stand over them.
Prin. (entering through gate and followed l>y Ladies.}
Hold ! stay your hands ! we yield ourselves to you !
Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there !
Bind up their wounds but look the other way.
(Coming down.} Is this the end? (Bitterly to LADY
BLANCHE.) How say you, Lady Blanche-
Can I with dignity my post resign ?
And if I do, will you then take my place ?
Bla. To answer this, it's meet that we consult
The great Potential Mysteries ; I mean
The five Subjunctive Possibilities
The May, the Might, the Would, the Could, the Should.
Can you resign? The prince May claim you; if
He Might, you Could and if you Should, I Would!
Prin. I thought as much ! Then, to my Fate I yield--
So ends my cherished scheme ! Oh, I had hoped
To band all women with my maiden throng,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man !
Hild. A noble aim !
Prin. You ridicule it now ;
But if I carried out this glorious scheme,
172 PRINCESS IDA ; OR,
At my exalted name Posterity
Would bow in gratitude !
Hild. But pray reflect
If you enlist all women in your cause,
And make them all abjure tyrannic Man,
The obvious question then arises, " How
Is this Posterity to be provided? "
Prin. I never thought of that ! My Lady Blanche,
How do you solve the riddle?
Bla. Don't ask me
Abstract Philosophy won't answer it.
Take him he is your Shall. Give in to Fate !
Prin. And you desert me. I alone am staunch !
Hild. Madam, you placed your trust in Woman well,
Woman has failed you utterly try Man,
Give him one chance, it's only fair besides,
Women are far too precious, too divine
To try unproven theories upon.
Experiments, the proverb says, are made
On humble subjects try our grosser clay,
And mould it as you will !
Cyr. Remember, too,
Dear Madam, if at any time you feel,
A-weary of the Prince, you can return
To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls
As heretofore, you know.
Prin. And shall I find
The Lady Psyche here ?
Psy. If Cyril, ma'am,
Does not behave himself, I think you will.
Prin. And you, Melissa, shall I find you here?
Mel. Madam, however Florian turns out,
Unhesitatingly I answer, No !
Gama. Consider this, my love, if your mamma
Had looked on matters from your point of view
(I wish she had), why where would you have been ?
Bla. There's an unbounded field of speculation,
On which I could discourse for hours !
Prin. No doubt !
We will not trouble you. Hilarion,
I have been wrong I see my error now.
Take me, Hilarion " We will walk the world
Yoked in all exercise of noble end !
And so through those dark gates across the wild
That no man knows ! Indeed, I love thee Come ! "
CASTLE ADAMANT. 173
FINALE.
Princess. With joy abiding,
Together gliding
Through life's variety
In sweet society,
And thus enthroning
The love I'm owning,
On this atoning
I will rely !
Chorus. It were profanity
For poor humanity
To treat as vanity
The sway of Love,
In no locality
Or principality
Is our mortality
Its sway above !
Ililarion. When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
Of tender quality
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers,
The happy hours
Will gaily fly !
Chor. It were profanity, etc.
CURTAIN.
THE MIKADO;
OK,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU.
VLV ENTIRELY NEW AND ORIGINAL JAPANESE
OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
Produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, on Saturday, March
1885, under the management of MR. R, D'OVLY CARTE.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
THE MIKADO OF JAPAN ...... MR. R. TEMPLE.
NANKi-Poo, his Son, disguised as a
wandering minstrel, and in love ivith
YUM- YUM ............ MR. DURWARD LELY.
Ko-Ko, Lord High Executioner of
Titipu ............... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
Pooir-BAir, Lord High E eery thing
Else ............... MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
Pisii-Tusir, a Noble Lord ...... MR. FREDERICK BOVILL.
YuM-YuM ") , i" Miss LEONORA BRAIIAM.
Three Sisters II ards of
PiTTi-SiNG > < Miss JESSIE BOND.
PEEP-BO ) ( Miss SYBIL GREY.
KATISHA, an elderly Lady, in lore with
............ Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM.
Chorus of School Girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies.
ACT I.
COURTYARD OF KO-KO'S OFFICIAL RESIDENCE.
ACT II.
KO-KO'S GARDEN.
THE MIKADO;
OR,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU.
ACT I.
SCENE. Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese
Nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested
by native drawings.
CHORUS.
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan :
On many a vase and jar
On man} r a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint :
Our attitudes queer and quaint
You're wrong if you think it ain't.
If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don't understand these things :
It is simply Court etiquette.
i j erhaps you suppose this throng
Can't keep it up all day long ?
If that's your idea, you're Av
Enter NANKI-POO in great excitement. He carries a native
guitar on his back, and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
RECITATIVE. XANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me,
Where a lovely maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko ?
In pitv pcak oh, speak, I pray you !
III. N
178 THE MIKADO ; OR,
A NMc. Why, who are you who ask this question ?
Nank. Come, gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG. NANKI-POO.
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs, and snatches,
A dreamy lullaby !
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song !
Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, willow, willow !
On maiden's coldness do you brood?
I'll do so too
Oh, willow, willow !
I'll charin your willing ears
With songs of lover's fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew
Oh, willow, willow !
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I've patriotic ballads cut and dried ;
For Avhere'er our country's banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied !
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail or they conceal it if they do
And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu !
And if you call for a song of the sea,
We'll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,
Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
Yeo-ho heave ho
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
To lay aloft in a howling breeze
May tickle a landsman's taste,
But the happiest hours a sailor sees
Is when he's down
At an inland town,
With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho !
And his arm around her waist !
Then man the capstan off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rumbelow.
Hurrah for the homeward bound !
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 179
Enter PiSH-Tusn.
Pish. And what may be your business with Yum- Yum?
Nank. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the
Titipu town baud. It was my duty to take the cap round for
contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw
Yum- Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was be-
trothed to her guardian, Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that
my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted
the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago,
that Ko-Ko had been condemned to death for flirting ! I
hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at
liberty to listen to my protestations.
Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death fur
flirting ; but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to
the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following
remarkable circumstances :
SONG. PisH-Tusir.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered, or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be !
Chorus. And I expect, etc.
This stern decree, you'll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land ;
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die-
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct !
Chorus. And you'll allow, as I expect, etc.
i8o THE MIKADO ; OA\
And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail.
Whose head was next,
On some pretext,
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
" Who's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head
Until he's cut his own off."
And AVC are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right too-looral-lay !
Chorus. And they were right, etc. [Exeunt CHORUS.
Enter POOH-BAH.
Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of
Titipu ! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain !
Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference
between the dignified judge, who condemns a criminal to die,
and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has
rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own
executioner.
Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are a noble-
man of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me,
a mere strolling minstrel !
Pooh. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly
haughty and exclusive person, of pre- Adamite ancestral descent.
You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my
ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule.
Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to over-
come this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all
the great officers of State resigned in a bod} 7 ", because they were
too proud to. serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly
accept all their posts at once ?
Pish. And the salaries attached to them ? You .did.
Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this
upstart as First Lord of the Treastiry, Lord Chief Justice,
Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buck-
hounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and
Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at
a salary ! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services ! I a salaried
minion ! But I do it ! It revolts mo, but I do it.
Nank, And it does you credit.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 181
Pooh. But I don't stop at that. I go and diue with middle-
class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban
parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands,
however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure.
For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would
come under the head of a State secret. (NANKi-Poo takes the
hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.') Another insult, and, I
think, a light one !
SONG. POOH-BAH.
Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do :
I'm sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner !
This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come
With beat of drum,
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Executioner !
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they'll cut a dash
On their wedding-day.
From what I say, you may infer
It's as good as a play for him and her,
She'll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner !
It's a hopeless case
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I'd flee ;
But don't blame me
I'm sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They'll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon
Her honeymoon,
With that buffoon,
At seven, commences, so you shun her !
All. The brass will crash, etc.
RECITATIVE.
And have I journeyed for a mouth, or nearly,
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom 1 love so dearly,
This dav to Ko-Ko.is to be united !
1 82 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Pooh. The fact appears to be as you've recited :
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station ;
He'll give you any further information.
Enter Ko-Ko, attended.
CHORUS.
Behold the Lord High Executioner !
A personage of noble rank and title
A dignified and potent officer,
"Whose functions are particularly vital.
Defer, defer,
To the noble Lord High Executioner !
SOLO. Ko-Ko.
Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances ;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances ;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances ;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS.
Behold the Lord High Executioner, etc.
Ko. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can
only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a con-
tinuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to
deserve. Gentlemen, I expect my three beautiful wards, Yum-
Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing, in a few minutes. If you will
kindly receive them with a show of abject deference, I shall feel
obliged to you. I know how painful it must be to noblemen
of your rank to have to humiliate yourselves before a person of
my antecedents, but discipline must be observed. (Chorus bow
and exeunt.) Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connec-
tion with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should
like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the
amount I ought to spend upon them.
Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First
Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General,
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
Pooh. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say
that, as the city w T ill have to pay for it, don't stint yourself,
do it well.
THE TOWN OF T2T1PU. 183
Ko. Exactly as the city will have to pay for it. That is
your advice.
Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand
that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that
due economy is observed.
Ko. Oh. But you said just now " Don't stint yourself, do
it well."
Pooh. As Private Secretary.
Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear
us. {They cross stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you
advise me to deal with this difficulty ?
Pooh. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in
saying, " Chance it "
Ko. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.
Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound
to see that the law isn't violated.
Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't
hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of
the Treasury ?
Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could pro-
pose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not
that, as leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist
it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook
the accounts, that as Lord High Auditor I should never discover
the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my
duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own
custody as First Commissioner of Police.
Ko. That's extremely awkward.
Pooh. I don't say that all these people couldn't be squared ;
but it is right to tell you that I shouldn't be sufficiently degraded
in my own estimation unless I was insulted with a very con-
siderable bribe.
Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But
my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment
on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese
attitude, would be esteemed a favour.
Enter procession of YUM-YUM'S schoolfellows, heralding
YUM- YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING.
CHORUS.
Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be !
1 84 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Is it but a world of trouble
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long ?
Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade ?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder how we wonder !
What on earth the world can be !
TP.IO. YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AXD Pixn-SiXG.
The Three. Three little maids from .school are we,
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school !
Yu/tt-Yum. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle).
Peep-Bo. Nobody's safe, for we care for none ! (Chuckle),
Pitti-Sing. Life is a joke that's just begun ! (Chuckle).
The Three. Three little maids from school !
All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary
The Three (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school !
Yum- Yum. One little maid is a bride, Yum- Yum
Peep-Bo. Two little maids in attendance come
Pitti-Sing. Three little maids is the total sum.
The Three. Three little maids from school !
Yum- Yum. From three little maids take one away
Peep-Bo. Two little maids remain, and they
Pitti-Sing. Won't have to wait very long, they say
The Three. Three little maids from school !
All (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary.
Freed from its genius tutelary
27ie TJiree (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school !
Ko. At last, my bride that is to be ! {About to embrace her.}
Yum. You're not going to kiss me before all these people ?
Ko. Weil, that was the idea.
Yum. (aside to PEEP-BO). It seems odd, don't it?
Peep. It's rather peculiar.
Pitti. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning,
you know.
Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things;
but I've no objection if it's usual.
THE TOWh OF T1TIPL. 185
Ko. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?
(Appealing to POOH-BAH.)
Pooh. I have known it done. (Ko-KO embraces her.)
Yum. That's over ! (Sees NANKI-POO, and rushes to him).
Why, that's never you? The Three Girls rush to him and
shake his hands, all speaking at once.)
Yum. Oh, I'm so glad ! I haven't seen you for ever so
long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got
three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going
back any more !
Peep. And have you got an engagement? Yum-Yum's got
/ one, but she don't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it
was you. I've come home for good, and I'm not going back
any more !
Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about
everywhere, and we've been at school ; but, thank goodness,
that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're
not going back any more !
[_These three speeches are spoken together in one "breath.
Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me ?
Yum. ( Oh, this is the musician who used
Peep. I Oh, this is the gentleman who used
Pitti. ( Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used
Ko. One at a time, if you please.
Yum. He's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on
the on the
Pitti. On the Marine Parade.
Yttm. Yes, I think that was the name of the instru-
ment.
Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-
Yum oh, I know I deserve your auger !
Ko. Auger! Not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself.
Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking
little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed
by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye,
(To Pisn-TusH.) Take him away. (PiSH-Tusn removes him.)
Pitti. (who has been examining POOH-BAH). I beg your
pardon, but what is this ? Customer come to try on ?
Ko. That is a Tremendous Swell. (She starts lack in alarm.)
Pooh. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like
you. Go away, there's dears.
Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my
three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
Pooh. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I u<ill
not kis.s them.
iS6 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Ko. No, no, you shan't kiss them : a little bow a mere
nothing you needn't mean it, you know.
Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies,
they are young persons.
Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good noble-
man.
Pooh (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. ( With a great
effort.) How de do, How de do, little girls ! (Aside.) Oh, my
protoplasmal ancestor !
Ko. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.)
Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to
have to say " How de do, How de do, little girls," to young
persons. I'm not in the habit of saying " How de do, How de
do, little girls" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.
Ko. (aside to Girls). Don't laugh at him he's under treat-
ment for it. (Aside to POOH-BAH.) Never mind them, they
don't understand the delicacy of your position.
Pooh. "We know how delicate it is, don't we?
Ko. I should think we did ! How a nobleman of your im-
portance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall
understand. [Ko-Ko retires up and goes off.
QUARTETTE AND CHORUS.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AND PITTI-SING.
So please you, sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high
We shall know better by-and-by.
But youth, of course, must have its fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
And don't in girlhood's happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we're disposed to dance and sing,
Tra la la, etc. (Dancint/.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth of course, etc.
Pooh. I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly-titled few ;
But nobody does, and why should you ?
That youth at us should have its fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us ;
To our prerogative we cling
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 187
If we decline to dance and sing
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
[Exeunt all but YUM- YUM.
Yum. How pitiable is the condition of a young and innocent
child brought from the gloom of a ladies' academy into the full
blown blaze of her own marriage ceremony ; and with a man
for whom I care nothing! True, he loves me; but everybody
docs that.
Enter NANKI-POO.
Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone ! I have sought you
night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian
was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to
him this afternoon !
Yum. Alas, yes !
Nank. But you do not love him ?
Yum. Alas, no !
Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse
him?
Yum. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and
he wouldn't let me marry you !
Nank. But I would wait until you were of age !
Yum. Y r ou forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years
of discretion until they are fifty.
Nank. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered
years of indiscretion.
Yum. Besides, a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind
instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for
the ward of a Lord High Executioner.
Nank. But (Aside.} Shall I tell her? Yes! She will
not betray me ! (Aloud.} What if it should prove that, after
all, I am no musician !
Yum. There ! 1 was certain of it, directly I heard you
play !
Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the
son of his Majesty the Mikado?
Yum. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness
disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will
your Highness promise never to do it again ?
Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate
Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's court. She mis-
construed my customary affability into expressions of affection,
and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My
1 88 THE MIKADO ; OR,
father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to
marry her within a week, or perish ignominious! y on the
scaffold. That night I fled his court, and, assuming the
disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you
found me when I had the happiness of seeing you ! {Approach-
ing her.}
Yum. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had
better not come too near. The laws against flirting are exces-
sively severe.
Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.
Yum. Still that don't make it right. To flirt is illegal, and
we must obey the law.
Nank. Deuce take the law !
Yum. I wish it would, but it won't !
Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be !
Yum. Happy indeed !
Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting
side by side, like that. (Sits ~by her.)
Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like
that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)
Nank. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that.
(Approaching and gazing at her sentimentally.)
Yum. Breathing vows of unutterable love like that.
(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)
Nank. With our arms round each other's waists like that.
(Embracing her.)
Yum. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.
Nank. If it wasn't for the law.
Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn't do anything of the kind.
Nank. Not for worlds !
Yum. Being engaged to Ko-ko, you know !
Nank. Being engaged to Ko-ko !
Nank. So, in spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I'll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus (kissing her)
Let me make it clear to you,
This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this (kissing her)
Tiiis is what I'll never do !
[Exeunt in opposite directions
Enter KO-KO.
Ko. (locking after YUM- YUM). There she goes! To think
how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little
parcel ! Keally, it hardly seems worth while ! Oh, matrimony!
THE TOWN' OF T1T1PL. 189
Enter Pooii-BAH and
Now then, what is it ? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing ?
You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir !
Pish. I am the bearer of a letter from His Majesty the Mikado.
Ko. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the
Mikado ! What in the world can he have to say to me V
(Heads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would
come ! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions
have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that, unless
somebody is beheaded within one month, the post of Lord High
Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the
rank of a village !
Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin !
Ko. Yes. There's no help for it, I shall have to execute
somebody. The only question is, who shall it be ?
Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already
under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point
to you.
Ko. To me ? What are you talking about? I can't execute
myself, Recorder !
Pooh. Why not ?
Ko. Why not ? Because, in the first place, self-decapitation
is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to
attempt ; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a
capital offence.
Pooh. That is so, no doubt.
Pish. We might reserve that point.
Pooh. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the
full Court.
Ko. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.
Pooh. A man might try.
Pish. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that
would be something.
Pooh. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to
comply with the Imperial will.
Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official
Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to
embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a
successful result.
Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable
to -you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace
itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting
off his own head,
190
THE MIKADO; OR,
Phli. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substi-
tute
Ko. Asubstitue? Ob, certainly nothing easier. (To POOH-
BAH.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you my substitute.
Pooh. I should like it above all things. Such an appoint-
ment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any
sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition !
Ko-Ko.
My brain it teems
With endless schemes,
Both good and new
For Titipu ;
But if I flit,
The benefit
That I'd diffuse
The town would lose !
Now every man
To aid his clan
Should plot and plan
As well as he can,
And so,
Although
I'm ready to go,
Yet recollect
'Twere disrespect
Did I neglect
To thus effect
This aim direct.
So I object
So I object
TRIO.
POOH-BAH.
I am so proud,
If I allowed
My family pride
To be my guide,
I'd volunteer
To quit this sphere
Instead of you,
In a minute or two,
But family pride
Must be denied,
And set aside,
And mortified,
And so,
Although
I wish to go,
And greatly pine
To brightly shine,
And take the line
Of a hero fine,
With grief condign
I must decline
I must decline
I must decline
Pisn-Tusir.
I heard one day,
A gentleman say
That criminals who
Are cut in two
Can hardly feel
The fatal steel,
And so are slain
Without much pain.
If this is true
It's jolly for you ;
Your courage screw
To bid us adieu,
And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare,
I'm quite aware
It's your affair,
Yet I declare
I'd take your share,
But I don't much care
I don't much care
I don't much care
So I object
All. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block !
[Exeunt all but Ko-Ko.
Ko. This is simply appalling ! I, who allowed myself to be
respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my
native town, am now required to die within a month, and that
by a man whom I have loaded with honours ! Is this public
gratitude ? Is this
Enter NANKI-POO, with a rope in his hands.
Go away, sir? How dare you? Am I never to be per-
mitted to soliloquize ?
Nank. Oh, go on don't mind me.
Ko. What are you going to do with that rope?
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 191
Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.
Ko. Terminate your existence ? Oh, nonsense ! What for!
Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man,
and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your
instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard.
Nank. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I
instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
Ko. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible ! (Suddenly.)
Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking
your life, you are committing a crime which which which
is Oh ! (Struck ly an idea.)
Nank. What's the matter ?
Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
Nank. Absolutely !
Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution ?
Nank. Nothing.
Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers all useless ?
Nank. All ! My mind is made up.
Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you arc
absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake
your determination don't spoil yourself by committing
suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public
Executioner !
Nank. I don't see how that would benefit me.
Ko. You don't ? Observe : you'll have a month to live, and
you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day
comes, there'll be a grand public ceremonial you'll be the
central figure no one will attempt to deprive you of that
distinction. There'll be a procession bands dead march
bells toiling all the girls in tears Yum- Yum distracted-
then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of
fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be
there all the same.
Nank. Do you think Yum-Yura would really be distracted
at my death ?
Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender-
hearted little creature alive.
Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after
all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe
for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
Ko. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum- Yum so easily,
and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
Nank. True.
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum why, it seems absurd !
THE MIKADO ; OR,
Nank. Ami yet there are a good many people iu tlie world
who have to endure it.
No. Poor devils, yes ! You are quite right not to be of their
number.
Nank. (suddenly*). I won't be of their number !
Ko. Noble fellow !
Nank. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry
Yum-Ynm to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum- Yum.
Nank. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Pre-
paring rope.")
Ko. Stop, stop listen one moment be reasonable. How
can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum, if I'm going to
marry her myself?
Nank. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and
you can marry her then.
Ko. That's true, of course. I quite see that, but, dear me, my
position during the next month will be most unpleasant most
unpleasant !
Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
Ko. But dear me well I agree. After all, it's only
putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice
her against me, will you ? You see, I've educated her to be
my wife ; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good
man. Now, I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
Nank. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, POOH-BAH, and PisH-Tusn.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don't hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You'll suffer all the same.
Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
Ko. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer !
All. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear !
Ko. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Pooh !
All. Hail, Nanki-Pooh !
A'o. I think he'll do ?
All. Yes, yes, he'll do !
He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender ;
No\v, I adorn that girl with passion tender,
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 193
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still !
All. Ah, yes !
He loves himself with passion tenderer still !
Ko. (to NANKI-POO.) Take her she's yours !
Enter YuM-YuM, PEEP-BO, and PiTTi-Sixo.
Nank. and Yum- Yum. Oh, rapture !
ENSEMBLE.
Yam-Yum and NanJci-Poo. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day ;
What though the night may come too soon,
There's yet a month of afternoon !
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song,
And merry dance,
With jo} r ous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career !
Chorus. Then let the throng, etc.
Fitti-Siny. A day, a week, a month, a year
Or be it far, or be it near,
Life's eventime comes much too soon,
You'll live at least a honeymoon !
All. Then let the throng, etc.
SOLO. POOH-BAH.
As in three weeks you've got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
'Twere empty compliment to cry
Long life to Nanki-Poo !
But as you've got three weeks to live
As fellow citizen,
This toast with three times three we'll give
" Long life to you till then ! "
Chorus. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do.
Long life to you till then !
DANCE.
Enter KATISHA, melodramatically.
Kat. Your revels cease assist me all of you !
Chorus. Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities V
Kat. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo !
Oh, fool ! to shun delights that never cloy !
Come back, oh, shallow fool ! come back to joy !
ill. o
I 9 4 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Chorus. Go, leave thy deadly work undone ;
Away, away ! ill-favoured one !
Nank, (aside to YUM-YUM). Ah !
Tis Katisha !
The maid of whom I told yon. (About to go.)
Kat. (detaining him). No !
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you !
SONG. KATISHA.
(Addressing NANKI-POO.) Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys !
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise !
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole !
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole !
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind !
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base !
Chorus. If she's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base !
Kat (addressing YUM- YUM). Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves !
Bright eye, that f oolest
Steel-tempered nerves ;
Rose-lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years
Sweet tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears
Thy doom is nigh,
Pink cheek, bright eye !
Thy knell is rung,
Rose-lip, sweet tongue.
Chorus. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose-lip, sweet tongue !
Pitti-Sing. Away, nor prosecute your quest
From our intention well expressed,
You cannot turn us !
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us !
For he's going to marry Yum- Yum
All. Yum-Yurn !
Pitti. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb
All. Cumb cumb !
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee,
On this subject I pray you be dumb
All. Dumb dumb.
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 195
Pitti. You'll find there are raany
Who'll wed for a penny
The word for j'our guidance is, " Mum "
All. Mum mum !
Pitti. There's lots of good fish in the sea !
All. There's lots of good fish in the sea !
And you'll find there are many, etc.
SOLO. KA.TISHA.
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone ;
In silent sadness
I live alone !
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies !
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue !
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from you disguising !
Nanh. (aside). Now comes the blow !
Kat. Prepare yourself for news surprising !
Nank. (aside). How foil my foe ?
Kat. No minstrel he, despite bravado !
Yum. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha ! ha ! I know !
Kat. He is the son of your
[NANKi-Poo and YuM-YuM, interrupting, siny Japanese
words to drown her voice.
ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
O sa ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado :
He is the only son of your
All. O ni ! 'bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. I'll spoil
All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. Your gay gambado !
He is the son
All. O ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
Kat. Of your
All. ni ! bikkuri shakkuri to !
ENSEMBLE.
KATISHA. THE OTHERS.
Ye torrents roar ! We'll hear no more
Ye tempests howl ! Ill-omened owl,
Your wrath outpour To joy we soar,
With angry growl ! Despite your scowl
Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival
"call Shall rise triumphant over all !
Shall rise triumphant over all ! Away you go,
Prepare for woe, Collect your hordes ;
Ye haughty lords, Proclaim your woe
At once I go In dismal chords ;
Mikado-wards,
jr,6 THE MIKADO ; OR,
And when he learns his son is found, We do not heed their dismal sound,
My wrongs with vengeance will be For joy reigns everywhere around !
crowned !
[KATISHA rushes furiously up stage, charing the crowd
away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of
stage.
ACT II.
SOENE. Ko-Ko's Garden. YUM- YUM discovered seated at her
bridal toilet, surrounded by Maidens, ivho are dressing her
hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the
effect in a mirror.
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair
Weave the supple tress
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness
Paint the pretty face
Dye the coral lip
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship !
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride !
SOLO. PlTTI-SlNG.
Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew
Try if you can cry
We will do so, too.
When you're summoned, start,
Like a frightened roe
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go !
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride !
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair, etc. [Exeunt Chorus.
Turn, (looking at herself in glass}. Yes, I am indeed
beautiful ! Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese
way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody
else in the whole world ? Can this be vanity ? No ! Nature
is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature,
and take after my mother.
SONG. YUM-YUM.
The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 197
With ever living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty
He scorns to tell a story !
He don't exclaim,
"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent."
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent !
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky
We really know our worth,
The sun and I !
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness ;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness :
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her !
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her !
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy ;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I !
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be
married to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the
very happiest girl in Japan !
Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied
who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In " all but " perfection ?
Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your
husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a
drawback.
Pitti. I don't know about that. It all depends !
Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends !
Yum. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer
to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is
to be to be
Peep. Cut short.
Yum. Well, cut short in a month, can't you let me forget
it? [Weeping.}
198 THE MIKADO; OR,
Enter N ANKi-Poo followed by Pisn-TusH.
Nank. Yum- Yum in tears and on her wedding morn !
Yum. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a
month you're to be beheaded ! {Bursts into tears.}
Pitti. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be
beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)
Peep. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded !
(Bursts into tears.)
Nank. (aside}. Humph! How some bridegrooms would
be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.') A month?
Well, what's a month ? Bah ! These divisions of time are
purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
Pitti. There's a popular impression to that effect.
Nank. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute
each minute an hour each hour a day and each day a
year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happi-
ness before us !
Peep. And at that rate, this interview has already lasted
four hours and three-quarters ! [Exit PEEP-BO.
Yum. (still soUbing). Yes. How time flies when one is
thoroughly enjoying one's self!
Nank. That's the way to look at it ! Don't let's be down-
hearted ! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let's let's be perfectly happy ! (Almost
in tears.}
Pish. By all means. Let's let's thoroughly enjoy our-
selves.
Pitti. It's it's absurd to cry ! (Trying to force a laugh.)
Yum. Quite ridiculous ! (Trying to laugh.)
[All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.
QUARTETTE.
YUM-YUM, PlTTI-SlNG, NANKI-POO, AND PlSH-TuSH.
Brightly dawns our wedding-day ;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting !
Whither, whither art thou fleeting ?
Fickle moment, prithee stay !
What though mortal joys be hollow ?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow :
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong ! Ding dong !
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal !
Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.)
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 199
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping,
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow
I to-day and thou to-morrow :
This the close of every song
Ding dong ! Ding dong !
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all ?
Sing a merry madrigal
A madrigal !
Fal-la fal-la ! etc. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt PITTI-SING and Pisn-TusH.
NANKI-POO embraces YUM- YUM. Enter Ko-Ko. NANKI-POO
releases YUM- YUM.
Ko. Go on don't mind me.
Nank. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it
by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist.
(NANKi-Poo does so.) There ; let me get used to that first.
Yum. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire ? It must pain you
to see us so affectionate together !
Ko. No, I must learn to bear it ! Now oblige me by allow-
ing her head to rest on your shoulder. (He does so Ko-Ko
much affected.} I am much obliged to you. Now kiss her !
(He does so Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you it's
simple torture !
Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month.
Ko. No. It's no use deluding one's self with false hopes.
Nank. and Yum. (together). What do you mean ?
Ko. (to YUM- YUM). My child my poor child. {Aside.)
How shall I break it to her ? (Aloud.) My little bride that
was to have been.
Yum. (delighted). Was to have been !
Ko. Yes ; you never can be mine !
Yum. (in ecstasy). What ! ! !
Ko. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
Nank. and Yum. (together). Buried alive !
Ko. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.
Nank. But whom did you get that from ?
Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my solicitor.
Yum. But he may be mistaken !
Ko. So I thought, so I consulted the Attorney-General, the
2co THE MIKADO; OK,
Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion.
Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life !
Nank. But, stop a bit ! This law has never been put in
force ?
Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable
with decapitation, and married men never flirt.
Nank. Of course they don't. I quite forgot that ! Well,
I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at
an end !
Yum. Darling, I don't want to appear selfish, and I love
you with all my heart I don't suppose I shall ever love
anybody else half as much but when I agreed to marry you,
my own, I had no idea, pet, that I should have to be buried
alive in a month !
Nank. Nor I ! It's the very first I've heard of it !
Yum. It it makes a difference, doesn't it ?
NanJc. It does make a difference, of course !
Yum. You see burial alive it's such a stuffy death ! You
see my difficulty, don't you ?
Nank. Yes ; and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying
out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death ; if I release
you, you marry Ko-Ko at once !
TRIO. YUM- YUM, NAXK.I-POO, AND Ko-Ko.
Yum. Here's a how-de-do !
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered too !
Here's a how-de-do !
Nank. Here's a pretty mess !
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding !
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
Witness my distress,
Here's a pretty mess !
Ko. Here's a state of things !
To her life she clings !
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn't seem to suit her notion-
Burial it brings !
Here's a state of things !
ENSEMBLE.
YUM-YUM AND NANKI-POO. Ko-Ko.
With a passion that's intense With a passion that's intense
I worship and adore, You worship and adore,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 201
But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore.
If what he says is true, If what I say is true,
It is death to marry you ! It is death to marry you !
Here's a pretty state "of things ! Here's a pretty state of things !
Here's a pretty how-de-do ! Here's a pretty how-de-do !
[Exit YuH-YuM.
Ko. (going up to NANKI-POO). My poor boy, I'm really
very sorry for you.
Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. "
Ko. You see I'm quite helpless.
Nank. I quite see that.
Ko. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have
one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't
be disappointed of a wedding you shall come to mine.
Nank. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.
Ko. Why so?
Nank. To-day I die.
Ko. What do you mean ?
Nank. I can't live without Yum- Yum. This afternoon I
perform the Happy Despatch.
Ko. No, no pardon me I can't allow that.
Nank. Why not ?
Ko. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the
hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time ! If you
kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to
be executed in your place !
Nank. It would certainly seem so !
Enter POOH-BAH.
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. Tbe Mikado and his suite are approaching the city,
and will be here in ten minutes.
Ko. The Mikado ! He's coming to see whether his orders
have been carried out ! (To NANKI-POO.) Now, look here,
you know this is getting serious a bargain's a bargain, and
you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing
suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound
to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.
Nank. Very well, then behead me.
Ko. What, now ?
Nank. Certainly ; at once.
Ko. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute
gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a
blue-bottle !
202 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner
Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know
how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin
with a guinea-pig, and work my way through the animal
kingdom till I come to a second trombone. Why, you don't
suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of
Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were
purely nominal? I can't kill you I can't kill anything!
( Weeps.}
Nank. Come, my poor fellow, your feelings do you credit ;
but you must nerve yourself to this you must, indeed. We
all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times ; and when
these duties present themselves we must nerve ourselves to an
effort. Come, now after all, what is it? If I don't mind,
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be
done.
Ko. {springing up suddenly}. Must it? I'm not so sure
about that !
Nan~k. What do you mean ?
Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that
you've been executed will do just as well ? Here are plenty of
witnesses the Lord Chief Justice, and Lord High Admiral,
Cornmander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Depart-
ment, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of
Police. They'll all swear to it won't you? (To POOH-BAH.)
Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety ?
Ko. Why not ? You'll be grossly insulted as usual.
Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date ?
Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction.
Pooh, (aside). Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.)
Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it ! (Aside.)
Ha ! ha ! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck ?
NanTc. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum
Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yurn ! Bother Yum-Yum ! Here,
Commissionaire (to POOH-BAH), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit
POOH-BAH.) Take Yuni-Yuin and marry Yum-Yum, only go
away and never come back again.
Enter POOH-BAH with YUM-YUM and PITTI-SING.
Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy ?
Yum. Not particularly.
Ko. You've five minutes to spare ?
Yum. Yes.
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 203
Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu ;
he'll marry you at once.
Turn. But if I'm to be buried alive?
Ko. Now don't ask any questions, but do as I tell 'you, and
Nanki-Poo will explain all.
Nank. But one moment
Ko. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you
alive, I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him
that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM,
followed by Poon-BAH.) Close thing that, for here he comes !
March. Enter procession, heralding MIKADO, with KATISHA.
CHORUS.
" March of the Mikado's troops"
Miya sama, iniya sama,
On ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira sum no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tony are tony are na !
DUET. MIKADO AND KATISHA.
32 1 kudu. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect ;
I'm the Emperor of Japan.
Kat. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect !
He'll marry his son
(He has only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mik. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct ;
Kat. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect !
Bow ! Bow !
To his daughter-in-law elect !
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
Mih. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway
Kat. Except his daughter-in-law elect !
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect !
Mik. My nature is love and light
My freedom from all defect
Kat. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect !
Bow ! Bow !
To his daughter-in-law elect !
204 THE MIKADO ; OR,
All. Bow! Bow!
To his daughter-in-law elect.
S ONG. MIKADO.
A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime- -
The punishment fit the crime ;
Andmiake each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment,
Of innocent merriment !
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten to four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
My object all sublime, etc.
The lady who dies a chemical yellow,
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figger,
Is blacked like a nigger
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot 'who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 205
Of masses and fugues and " ops "
By Bach, interwoven
With Spokr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.
My object all sublime, etc.
The billiard sharp whom any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard
He's made to dwell
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue,
And elliptical billiard balls !
My object all sublime, etc.
Enter POOH-BAH, wlio hands a paper to Ko-Ko.
Ko. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit your
wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
Mik. Oh, you've had an execution, have you ?
Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
Pooh. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to MIKADO.)
Mik. (reads). "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord
Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of
State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the
Second Floor Front."
Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
Mik. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the
performance.
Ko. A tough fellow he was, too a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable
scene.
Tuio. Ko-Ko, PITTI-SIXG, AXD POOH-BAH.
Ko. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee !
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
206 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee !
CHORUS.
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales-
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
Pitti-Sincf. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve ;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve,
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebras !
When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see,
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me !
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees ;
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
Pooh. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck with a smile well bred,
And bowed three times to me !
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be ;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree !
And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see ;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me !
THE TOWN OF T2TIPU. 207
CHORUS.
This haughty youth
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays,
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says ! \lbxeunt Chorus.
Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have
seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from
our imperial court.
Ko. Indeed ? Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his
position ?
Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry
him yet he fled !
Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely !
Kat. That's not true. You hold that I am not beautiful
because my face is plain. But you know nothing ; you are still
unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone
that beauty is to be sought. But I have a left shoulder-blade
that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it.
My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. It is on
view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting-card.
As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. Observe
this ear.
Ko. Large.
Kat. Large ? Enormous ! But think of its delicate internal
mechanism. It is fraught with beauty ! As for this tooth,
it almost stands alone. Many have tried to draw it, but in
vain.
Ko. And yet he fled !
Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a
second trombone.
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). A second^trombone !
Mik. Yes ; would it be troubling you too much if I asked
you to produce him ? He goes by the name of Nanki-Poo.
Ko. Oh no ; not at all only
Mik. Yes?
Ko. It's rather awkward ; but, iu point of fact, he's gone
abroad !
Mik. Gone abroad ? His address !
Ko. Knightsbridge !
Kat. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha !
M ik. What's the matter ?
Kat. See here his name Nanki-Poo beheaded this mom-
203 THE MIKADO ; OR,
ing ! Oh, where shall I find another ! Where shall I find
another ! [Ko-KO, POOH-BAH, an<^PiTTi-SiNG/?Z on their knees.
Mik. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear ; this is very
tiresome. (To KO-KO.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to
carry out my wishes, you have beheaded the heir to the throne
of Japan !
(Ko. But I assure you we had no idea
Together. \ Pooh. But, indeed, we didn't know
( Pitti. We really hadn't the least notion
Mik. Of course you hadn't. How could you ? Come, come,
my good fellow, don't distress yourself it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a second
trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses
me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved
all he got. {They rise.)
Ko. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty.
Mik. Obliged ? Not a bit. Don't mention it. How could
you tell ?
Pooh. No, of course we couldn't know that he was the Heir
Apparent.
Pitti. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
Ko. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
Mik. Ha! ha! ha! {To KAT.) I forget the punishment
for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. (together). Punishment! (They drop
down on their knees again.)
Mik. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy.
Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but
I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering,
with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret
I'm not a bit angry.
Ko. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our
assurance, we had no idea
Mik. Of course you hadn't. That's the pathetic part of it.
Unfortunately the fool of an Act says " compassing the death of
the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake, or
not knowing, or having no notion. There should be, of course,
but there isn't. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts
are drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session.
Ko. What's the good of that ?
Mik. Now, let's see will after luncheon suit you? Can you
wait till then ?
Ko., Pitti. and Pooh. Oh yes we can wait till then !
THE TOWN OF TIT1PU. 209
Mik. Then we'll make it after luncheon. I'm really very
sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is
triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
MIKADO, KATISHA, Ko-Ko, POOH-BAH, AND PITTI-SING.
Mik. and Kat. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A !
.Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. Is B more worthy?
Mik. and Kat. I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
ENSEMBLE.
Yet A is happy !
Oh, so happy !
Laughing, Ha ! ha !
Chaffing, Ha ! ha !
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
Ever joyous ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A !
Ko., Pooh,, and Pitti. If I were fortune which I'm not
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in niiserie,
That is, assuming I am B.
Mik. and Kat. But should A perish ?
Ko., Pooh., and Pitti. That should he,
(Of course assuming I am B).
B should be happy !
Oh, so happy !
Laughing, Ha ! ha !
Chaffing, Ha ! ha !
Nectar quaffing, Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched, meritorious B !
[Exeunt MIKADO and KATISHA.
Ko. Well ! a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree !
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic
verisimilitude to a bald and unconvincing narrative.
Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed ! Corroborative fiddlestick !
Ko. And you're just as bad as he is, with your cock-aud-a-
bull stories about catching his eye, and his whistling an air.
But that's so like you ! You must put in your oar !
Pooh. But how about your big right arm ?
Pitti. Yes, and your snickersnee !
Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet he must come
to life again at once.
in. P
2 ro THE MIKADO; OR,
Enter NANKI-PO and YuM-YuM prepare for journey.
Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you
you're reprieved.
NanJc. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for
my honeymoon.
Ko. Nonsense. A" terrible thing has just happened. It seems
you're the son of the Mikado.
Nank. Yes ; but that happened some time ago.
Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here,
and with Katisha.
Nank. My father ! And with Katisha !
Ko. Yes ; he wants you particularly.
Pooh. So does she.
Turn. Oh, but he's married now.
Ko. But, bless my heart, what has that to do with it ?
Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already consequently she will insist on
my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be
buried alive.
Turn. You see our difficulty.
Ko. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
Nank. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me,
and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being
put to death.
Ko. I marry Katisha !
Turn. I really think it's the only course.
Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her ? She's something
appalling !
Pitti. Ah, that's only her face. She has a left elbow which
people come miles to see !
Pooh. I am told that her right heel is much admired by
connoisseurs.
Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's
right heel.
Nank. It comes to this : while Katisha is single, I prefer to
be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET. NANKI-POO AND Ko-Ko.
Nank. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
THE TOWN OF T1TIPU. 211
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine ;
And that's what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that's what we mean, etc.
Ko. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face ;
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
" Oh bother the flowers that bloom in the spring !
Tra la la la la la, etc.
All. And that's what he means when he ventures to sing, etc.
[Dance and 'exeunt NANKI-POO, YuM-YuM, POOH-BAH,
and PiTTi-SiNG.
Enter KATISHA.
RECITATIVE.
Alone, and yet alive ! Oh sepulchre !
My soul is still my body's prisoner !
Remote the peace that Death alone can give
My doom to wait ! my punishment to live !
SONG.
Hearts do not break !
They sting and ache
For old sake's sake,
But do not die !
Though with each breath
They long for death,
As witnesseth
The living I !
Oh living I !
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone
Dost thou stay on ?
W T hy linger here,
Where all is drear ?
May not a cheated maiden die ?
Ko. (approaching her timidly}. Katisha!
Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love ! But
venseance pursues they are heating the cauldron !
Ko. Katisha behold a suppliant at your feet ! Katisha
mercy !
212 THE MIKADO ; OR,
Kcit. Mercy ? Had you mercy on him ? See here, you 1
You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would
have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste only the
educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate
when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find
another ? It takes years to train a man to love me am I to go
through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore
mercy for you who robbed me of my prey I mean my pupil
just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh,
where shall I find another !
Ko. (suddenly, and with great vehemence}. Here ! Here !
Kat. What!!!
Ko. (with intense passion}. Katisha, for years I have loved
you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely con-
suming my very vitals ! Ah, shrink not from me ! If there
is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from
a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest
touch ! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling
the soul within me. But the fire will not be smothered it
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words
that will not be weighed that cannot be schooled that should
not be too severely criticized. Katisha, I dare not hope for
your love but I will not live without it !
Kat. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you
have so foully wronged !
Ko. I do accept my love, or I perish on the spot !
Kat. Go to ! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet
died of a broken heart !
Ko. You know not what you say. Listen !
SONG. Ko-Ko.
On a tree by a river a little torn-tit
Sang. "Willow, titwillow, titwillow! "
And I said to him, " Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie ?" I cried,
" Or a rather tough worm in your little inside ? "
With a shake of his poor little head he replied,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !
THE TOWN OF TITIPU. 213
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he threw himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
Now, I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name
Isn't willow, titwillow, titwillow.
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow !
And if 3 r ou remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
" Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! "
[During this song KATISHA has been greatly affected,
and at the end is almost in tears.
Rat. (whimpering}. Did he really die of love ?
Ko. He really did.
Kat. All on account of a cruel little hen ?
Ko. Yes.
Kat. Poor little chap!
Ko. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird
intimately.
Kat. Did you ? He must have been very fond of her !
Ko. His devotion was something extraordinary.
Kat. (still whimper ing}. Poor little chap ! And and if I
refuse you, will you go and do the same ?
Ko. At once.
Kat. No, no you mustn't ! Anything but that ! (Falls on
his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose !
Ko. (making a wry face). You are !
Kat. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny
weeny wee bit blood-thirsty, will you ?
Ko. Hate you ? Oh, Katisha ! is there not beauty even in
blood-thirstiness ?
Kat. My idea exactly !
DUET. Ko-Ko AND KATISHA.
Kat. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growing of the gale,
There is eloquent out-pouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tale !
Ko, Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail !
Kat, Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
214 THE MIKADO ; OR,
But to him who's scientific
There's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts !
Ko. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts.
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry !
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
'Till day is done !
Ko. There is beauty in extreme old age
Do you fancy you are elderly enough ?
Information I'm requesting
On a subject interesting :
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?
Kat. Throughout this wide dominion
It's the general opinion
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough.
Ko. Are you old enough to marry do you think ?
Won't you wait 'till you are " eighty in the shade " ?
There's a fascination frantic
In a ruin that's romantic ;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed ?
Kat. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry !
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one !
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done ! [Exeunt together.
Flourish. Enter the MIKADO, attended by Pisn-Tusn, and
Court.
Mik. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite
ready. Have all the painful preparations been made ?
Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two
well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
THE TOWN OF TIT2PU. 215
Enter Ko-Ko, KATISHA, POOH-BAH, and Prm-Sixo. They
throiu themselves at the MIK ABO'S feet.
Kat. Mercy ! Mercy for Ko-Ko ! Mercy for Pitti-Sing!
Mercy even for Pooh-Bah !
Mik. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that
remark.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead,
and I have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh ! You've not been long about it !
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh. I am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the
Heir- Apparent
Enter NANKI-POO and YuM-YuM. They kneel.
Nank. The Heir-Apparent is not slain.
Mik. Bless my heart, my son !
Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected !
Kat. {seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me !
Mik. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I
think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
Ko. Your Majesty, it's like this. It is true that I stated
that I had killed Nanki-Poo
Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give veri-
similitude to a bald and
Ko. Will you refrain from putting in your oar ? {To MIK.)
It's like this : when your Majesty says, " Let a thing be done,"
it's as good as done practically, it is done because your
Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, " Kill a gentleman,"
and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently that
gentleman is as good as dead practically he is dead and if he
is dead, why not say so ?
Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory.
FINALE.
Yum and Nank. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day ;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've years and years of afternoon !
Pli. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career !
Then let the throng, etc.
RUDDIGORE;
OR,
THE WITCH'S CURSE.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL SUPERNATURAL OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
First produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, by MR. R. D'OYLY
CARTE, on Saturday, January zznd, 1887.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
MORTALS.
ROBIN OAKAPPLE, a Young Farmer ... MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH.
RICHARD DAUNTLESS, his Foster-
brother a Man-d'-war's-man ... MR. DURWARD LELY.
SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD, of Rud-
digore a Wicked Baronet MR. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.
OLD ADAM GOODHEART, Robin's Faith-
ful Servant MR. RUDOLPH LEWIS.
ROSE MAYBUD, a Village Maiden ... Miss LEONORA BRAHAM.
MAD MARGARET Miss JESSIE BOND.
DAME HANNAH, Rose's Aunt Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM.
ZORAH) n c ? v / -^ f Miss JOSEPHINE FINDLAY.
J- Professional Bridesmaids ...\
RUTH ) (Miss LINDSAY.
GHOSTS.
SIR RUPERT MURGATROYD, the First
Baronet MR. PRICE.
SIR JASPER MURGATROYD, the Third
Baronet MA. CHARLES.
SIR LIONEL MURGATROYD, the Sixth
Baronet MR. TREVOR.
SIR CONRAD MURGATROYD, the Twelfth
Baronet MR. BURBANK.
SIR DESMOND MURGATROYD, the
Sixteenth Baronet MR. TUER.
SIR GILBERT MURGATROYD, the
Eighteenth Baronet MR. WILBRAHAM.
SIR MERVYN MURGATROYD, the
Twentieth Baronet MR. Cox.
SIR RODERIC MURGATROYD, th>.
Twenty-first Baronet MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
Chorus of Officers, Ancestors, and Professional Bridesmaids.
ACT I.
THE FISHING VILLAGE OF BEDERRING, IN
CORNWALL.
ACT II.
PICTURE GALLERY IN RUDDIGORE CASTLE.
TIME EARLY IN THE PRKSENT CENTURY.
RUDDIGORIi
OR,
THE WITCH'S CURSE.
ACT I.
SCENE. Tlie fishing village of Rederring (in Cornwall). ROSE
MAYBUD'S cottage is seen
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids. They range themselves in front
of HOSE'S cottage.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Fair is Rose as the bright May-day ;
Soft is Rose as the warm west-wind ;
Sweet is Rose as the new-mown hay
Rose is the queen of maiden-kind !
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say
Is anybody going
To marry yon to-day ?
SOLO. ZORAH.
Every day, as the days roll on,
Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don,
Sure that a maid so fairly famed
Won't very long remain unclaimed.
Hour by hour, and day by day,
Several months have passed aw a}'.
And though she's the fairest flower that blows,
Nobody yet has married Rose !
CHORUS.
Rose, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say
Is anybody going
To marry you to-day ?
220 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Enter OLD HANNAH, from cottage.
Han. Nay, gentle maidens, you sing well but vainly, for
Rose is still heart-free, and looks but coldly upon her many
suitors.
Zor. It's very disappointing. Every young man in the
village is in love with her, but they are appalled by her
beauty and modesty, and won't declare themselves ; so, until
she makes her own choice, there's no chance for anybody
else.
Eutli. This is, perhaps, the only village in the world that
possesses an endowed corps of professional bridesmaids who are
bound to be on duty every day from ten to four and it is at
least six months since our services were required. The pious
charity by which we exist is practically wasted !
Zor. We shall be disendowed that will be the end of it !
Dame Hannah you're a nice old person you could marry if
you liked. There's old Adam Robin's faithful servant he
loves you with all the frenzy of a boy of fourteen.
Han. Nay that may never be, for I am pledged !
All. To whom ?
Han. To an eternal maidenhood ! Many years ago I was
betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed
name. But on the very day upon which our wedding was to
have been celebrated, I discovered that he was no other than
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd, one of the bad Baronets of Ruddigore,
and the uncle of the man who now bears that title. As a son
of that accursed race he was no husband for an honest girl,
so, madly as I loved him, I left him then and there. He died
but ten years since, but I never saw him again.
Zor. But why should you not marry a bad Baronet of
Ruddigore ?
Ruth. All baronets are bad; but was he worse than other
baronets ?
Han. My child, he was accursed.
Zor. But who cursed him ? Not you, I trust !
Han. The curse is on all his line, and has been ever since
the time of Sir Rupert, the first Baronet. Listen, and you
shall hear the legend.
LEGEND. HANNAH.
Sir Rupert Murgatroyd
His leisure and his riches
He ruthlessly employed
In persecuting witches.
With fear he'd make them quake
Chorus
THE WITCHES CURSE.
He'd duck them in his lake
He'd break their bones
With sticks and stones,
And burn them at the stake !
This sport he much enjoyed,
Did Rupert Murgatroyd
Is'o sense of shame
Or pity came
To Rupert Murgatroyd !
Once, on the village green,
A palsied hag he roasted,
And what took place, I ween,
Shook his composure boasted ;
For, as the torture grim
Seized on each withered limb,
The writhing dame,
'Mid fire and flame,
Yelled forth this curse on him :
"Each lord of Ruddigore,
Despite his best endeavour,
Shall do one crime, or more,
Once, every day, for ever !
This doom he can't defy
However he may try,
For should he stay
His hand, that day
In torture he shall die ! "
The prophecy came true :
Each heir who held the title
Had, every day, to do
Some crime of import vital ;
Until, with guilt o'erplied,
"I'll sin no more ! " he cried,
And on the day
He said that say,
In agony he died !
221
Chorus And thus, with sinning cloyed,
Has died each Murgatroyd,
And so shall fall,
Both one and all,
Each coming Murgatroyd !
[Exeunt Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Enter R SE MAYBUD/VOW cottage, with small basket on
her arm.
Han. "w'hfrh^ awav > dear R se ? ^ n some errand of charity,
asisthy W nt?
Hose. A * ew g 1 ^ dear aunt, for deserving villagers. Lo,
here is soi ne peppermint rock for old gaffer Gadderby, a set of
222 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
false teeth for pretty little Kuth Rowbottom, and a pound of
snuff for the poor orphan girl on the hill.
Han. Ah, Rose, pity that so much goodness should not help
to make some gallant youth happy for life! Rose, why dost
thou harden that little heart of thine? Is there none here-
away whom thou couldst love ?
Rose. And if there were such an one, verily it would ill
become me to tell him so.
Ban. Nay, dear one, where true love is, there is little need
of prim formality.
JRose. Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung
in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door,
with nought that I could call mine own, save a change of baby-
linen and a book of etiquette, little wonder if I have always
regarded that work as a voice from a parent's tomb. This
hallowed volume (producing a book of etiquette), composed, if I
may believe the title-page, by no less an authority than the
wife of a Lord Mayor, has been, through life, my guide and
monitor. By its solemn precepts I have learnt to test the
moral worth of all who approach me. The man who bites his
bread, or eats peas with a knife, I look upon as a lost creature,
and he who has not acquired the proper way of entering and
leaving a room is the object of my pitying horror. There are
those in this village who bite their nails, dear aunt, and nearly
all are wont to use their pocket-combs in public places. In
truth I could pursue this painful theme much further, but
behold, I have said enough.
Han. But is there not one among them who is faultless, in
thine eyes? For example young Robin. He combines the
manners of a Marquis with the morals of a Methodist. Couldst
thou not love him ?
Hose. And even if I could, how should I confess it unto him ?
For lo, he is shy, and sayeth nought !
BALLAD. ROSE.
If somebody there chanced to be
Who loved me in a manner true,
My heart would point him out to me,
And I would point him out to you.
(Referring to look.) But here it says of those who point,
Their manners must be out of joint
You may not point
You must not point
It's manners out of joint, to point !
Had I the love of such as he,
Some quiet spot he'd take me to,
Then he could whisper it to me,
And I could whisper it to you ;
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 223
(Referring tobook.) But whispering, I've somewhere met,
Is contrary to etiquette :
Where can it be? (Searching book.)
Now let me see (Finding reference.)
Yes, Yes !
It's contrary to etiquette ! [Showing it to HANNAH.
If any well-bred youth I knew,
Polite and gentle, neat and trim,
Then I would hint as much to you,
And j T ou could hint as much to him.
(Referring to book.) But here it says, in plainest print,
" It's most unladylike to hint "
You may not hint,
You must not hint
It says you mustn't hint, in print !
And if I loved him through and through
(True love and not a passing whim),
Then I could speak of it to you,
And you could speak of it to him.
But here I find it doesn't do
To speak until you're spoken to.
(Referring to book.) Where can it be? (Searching book.)
Xow let me see (Finding reference.)
" Don't speak until you're spoken to " !
[Exit HANNAH.
Ease. Poor aunt ! Little did the good soul think, when she
breathed the hallowed name of Robin, that he would do even
as well as another. But he resembleth all the youths in
this village, in that he is unduly bashful in my presence,
and lo, it is hard to bring him to the point. But soft, he is
here ! [ROSE is about to go ivhen ROBIN enters and calls her.
Rob. Mistress Rose !
Rose (surprised}. Master Robin !
Rob. I wished to say that it is fine.
Rofe. It is passing fine.
Rob. But we do want rain.
Rose. Ay, sorely ! Is that all ?
Rob. {sighing'). That is all.
Rose. Good day, Master Robin !
Rob. Good day, Mistress Rose! {Both going both sto}>.}
Rose. ) I crave pardon, I
Rob. ] I beg pardon, I
Rose. You were about to say ?
Rob. I would fain consult you.
Rose. Truly?
Rob. It is about a friend.
Rose. In truth I have a friend myself.
224 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Rob. Indeed ? I mean, of course-
Rose. And I would fain consult you
Rob. (anxiously). About him ?
Rose (prudishly). About her.
Ro~b. (relieved). Let us consult one another.
DUET. ROBIN AND ROSE.
Hob. I know a youth who loves a little maid
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !)
Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid
(Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be !)
Rose. I know a maid who loves a gallant youth,
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !)
Rob. Poor little man !
Rose. Poor little maid !
Rob. Poor little man !
Rose. Poor little maid !
Both. Now, tell me pray, and tell me true.
What in the world should the ( yo ^ g man \ do?
| maiden j
Rob. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep
(Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !)
Daily he goes for to wail for to weep
(Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be !)
Rose. She's very thin and she's very pale
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
Daily she goes for to weep for to wail
(Hey, but I think that little maid will die !)
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose, Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose. Poor little man !
Both, Now, tell me pray, and tell me true,
What in the world should the I >'H n S man } do ?
( maiden j
Rose. If I were the youth I should offer her my name
(Hey, but her face is a sight for to see !)
Rob. If I were the maid I should feed his honest flame
(Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be !)
Rose. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day
(Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !)
Rob. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way
(For I really do believe that timid youth will die !)
Rose. Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
Rose. Poor little man !
Rob. Poor little maid !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 225
4 in i ^J ^! m
Both. I thank you, \ I for your counsel true ;
(. ir ) j
I'll tell that j Jg* ] what [ h h e e ] ought to do !
[Exit ROSE.
7?o&. Poor child ! I sometimes think that if she wasn't quite
so particular I might venture but no, no even then I should
be unworthy of her ! [//e sits desponding.
Enter OLD ADAM.
Adam. My kind master is sad ! Dear Sir Ruthven Murga-
troyd
jRob. Hush ! As you love me, breathe not that hated name.
Twenty years ago, in horror at the prospect of inheriting that
hideous title, and with it the ban that compels all who succeed
to the baronetcy to commit at least one deadly crime per day,
for life, I fled my home, and concealed myself in this innocent
village under the name of Robin Oakapple. My younger
brother, Despard, believing me to be dead, succeeded to the
title and its attendant curse. For twenty years I have been
dead and buried. Don't dig me up now.
Adam. Dear master, it shall be as you wish, for have I not
sworn to obey you for ever in all things ? Yet, as we are here
alone, and as I belong to that particular description of good old
man to whom the truth is a refreshing novelty, let me call you
by your own right title once more! (ROBIN assents.) Sir
Ruthven Murgatroyd ! Baronet ! Of Ruddigore ! Whew !
It's like eight hours at the seaside !
Bob. My poor old friend ! Would there were more like you !
Adam. Would there were indeed ! But I bring you good
tidings. Your foster-brother, Richard, has returned from sea
his ship the Tom-Tit rides yonder at anchor, and he himself is
even now in this very village !
Rob. My beloved foster-brother ? No, no it cannot be !
Adam. It is even so and see, he comes this way !
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids.
CHORUS.
From the briny sea
Comes young Richard, all victorious !
Valorous is he
His achievements all are glorious !
Let the welkin ring
With the news we bring
Sing it shout it
Tell about it-
Safe and sound returneth he !
All victorious from the sea !
III. y
225 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Enter RICHARD. The Girls welcome him as he greets old
acqiiain tances.
BALLAD. RICHARD.
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,
And, off Cape Finistere,
A merchantman we see,
A Frenchman, going free,
So we made for the bold Mounseer.
D'ye see ?
We made for the bold Mounseer.
But she proved to be a Frigate and she up with her ports,
And fires with a thirty-two !
It come uncommon near,
But we answered a cheer,
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo,
D'ye see ?
Which paralyzed the Parly-voo !
Then our Captain he up and he says, says he,
" That chap we need not fear,
We can take her, if we like,
She is sartin for to strike,
For she's only a darned Mounseer,
D'ye see ?
She's only a darned Mounseer !
But to fight a French fal-lal it's like hittin' of a gal-
It's a lubberly thing for to do ;
For we, with all our faults,
Why, we're sturdy British salts,
While she's only a Parley-voo,
D'ye see?
A miserable Parley-voo ! "
So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze,
As we gives a compassionating cheer ;
Froggee answers with a shout
As he sees us go about,
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer,
D'ye see?
Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer !
And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek
(Which is what them furriners do),
And they blessed their lucky stars
We were hardy British tars
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo,
D'ye see ?
Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo !
[Exeunt Chorus, as ROBIN comes forward.
Rob. Richard!
Rich. Robin !
Rob. My beloved foster-brother, and very dearest friend,
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 227
welcome home again after ten long years at sea ! It is such
deeds as you have just described that cause our flag to be loved
and dreaded throughout the civilized world !
Rich. Why, lord love ye, Rob, that's but a trifle to what we
have done in the way of sparing life. I believe I may say,
without exaggeration, that the marciful little Tom-Tit has
spared more French frigates than any craft afloat ! But 'taint
for a British seaman to brag, so I'll just stow my jawin' tackle
and belay. (ROBIN sighs.) But 'vast heavin', messmate, what's
brought you all a-cockbill?
Rob. Alas, Dick, I love Rose Maybud, and love in vain !
Rich. You love in vain ? Come, that's too good ! Why
you're a fine strapping muscular young fellow tall and strong
as a to'-gaU'n-m'st taut as a fore-stay ay, and a barrow-
knight to boot, if all had their rights !
Rob. Hush, Richard not a word about my true rank, which
none here suspect. Yes, 1 know well enough that few men are
better calculated to win a woman's heart than I. I'm a fine
fellow, Dick, and worthy any woman's love happy the girl
who gets me, say I. But I'm timid, Dick; shy, nervous,
modest, retiring, diffident, and I cannot tell her, Dick, I
cannot tell her! Ah, you've no idea what a poor opinion I
have of myself, and how little I deserve it.
Rich. Robin, do you call to mind how, years ago, we swore
that, come what might, we would always act upon our hearts'
dictates ?
Rob. Ay, Dick, and I've always kept that oath. In doubt,
difficulty, and danger, I've always asked my heart what I should
do, and it has never failed me.
Rich. Right ! Let your heart be your compass, with a clear
conscience for your binnacle light, and you'll sail ten knots on
a bowline, clear of shoals, rocks, and quicksands ! Well now,
what does my heart say in this here difficult situation ? Why,
it says, "Dick," it says (it calls me "Dick" acos it's known
me from a babby) " Dick," it says, " you ain't shy yoii ain't
modest speak you up for him as is ! '' Robin, my lad, just
you lay me alongside, and when she's becalmed under my lee,
I'll spin her a yarn that shall sarve to fish you two together
for life !
Rob. Will you do this thing for me? Can you, do you
think? Yes. (Feeling his pulse.) There's no false modesty
about you. Your, what I would call bumptious self-assertive-
ness (I mean the expresssion in its complimentary sense), has
already made you a bos'n's mate, and it will make an admiral
of you in time, if you work it properly, you dear, incompetent
228 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
old irnposter ! My dear fellow, I'd give ray right arm for one
tenth of your modest assurance !
SONG. ROBIN.
My boy, you may take it from me
That, of all the afflictions accurst
With which a man's saddled
And hampered and addled,
A diffident nature's the worst.
Though clever as clever can be
A Crichton of early romance
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance,
If you wish iu the world to advance,
Your merits you're bound to enhance,
You must stir it and stump it,
And blow your own trumpet,
Or, trust me, you haven't a chance !
Now take, for example, my case :
I've a bright intellectual brain
In all London city
There's no one so witty
I've thought so again and again.
I've a highly intelligent face
My features cannot be denied
But, whatever I try, sir,
I fail in and why, sir?
I'm modesty personified !
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
As a poet, I'm tender and quaint
I've passion and fervour and grace
From Ovid and Horace
To Swinburne and Morris,
They all of them take a back place.
Then I sing and I play and I paint :
Though none are accomplished as I,
To say so were treason :
You ask me the reason?
I'm diffident, modest, and shy !
If you wish in the world to advance, etc.
{Exit ROBIN.
Rich, (looking after Mm). Ab, it's a thousand pities he's
such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk !
Well, I'll do my best for him. " Plead for him as though it
was for your own father " that's what niy heart's a remarkin'
to me just now. But, here she conies ! Steady ! Steady it is !
Enter KOSE he is much struck ~by her.
By the Port Admiral, but she's a tight little craft ! Come,
come, she's not for you, Dick, and yet she's fit to marry Lord
THE WITCIPS CURSE. 229
Nelson ! By the Flag of Old England, I can't look at her
unmoved.
Hose. Sir, you are agitated.
Rich. Ay, ay, my lass, well said ! I am agitated, true
enough ! took flat aback, my girl ; but 'tis naught 'twill pass.
(Aside.) This here heart of mine's a dictatin' to me like any-
think. Question is, have I a right to disregard its promptings ?
Hose. Can I do aught to relieve thine anguish, for it seemeth
to me that thouart in sore trouble? This apple (Off wring
a damaged apple.}
Rich, (looking at it and returning it). No, uiy lass, 'taint
that. I'm I'm took flat aback I never see anything like you
in all my born days. Parbuckle me, if you ain't the loveliest
gal I've ever set eyes on. There I can't say fairer than that,
can I ?
Hose. No. (Aside.) The question is, is it meet that an utter
stranger should thus express himself? (Refers to booh.) Yes,
"Always speak the truth."
Rich. I'd no thoughts of sayin' this here to you on my own
account, for, truth to tell, I was chartered by another; but
when I see you my heart it up and it says, says it, "This is
the very lass for you, Dick speak up to her, Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos we was at school together) " tell her
all, Dick," it says, "never sail under false colours it's mean! "
That's what my heart tells me to say, and in my rough,
common-sailor fashion, I've said it, and I'm a-waiting for your
reply. I'm a treuiblin', miss. Lookye here. (Holding out his
hand.) That's narvousness !
Rose (aside). Now, how should a maiden deal with such an
one ? (Consults book.) " Keep no one in unnecessary suspense."
(Aloud.) Behold, I will not keep you in unnecessary suspense.
{Refers to book.) <( In accepting an offer of marriage, do so with
apparent hesitation." (Aloud.) I take you, but with a certain
show of reluctance. (Refers to book.) " Avoid any appearance
of eagerness." (Aloud.) Though you will bear in mind that I
am far from anxious to do so. (Refers to book.) " A little show
of emotion will not be misplaced ! " (Aloud.) Pardon this tear !
( Wipes her eye.)
Rich. Rose, you've made me the happiest blue-jacket in
England! I wouldn't change places with the Admiral of the
Fleet, no matter who he's a huggin' of at this present moment !
But, axin' your pardon, miss (iviping his lips with his hand),
might I be permitted to salute the flag I'm a-goin' to sail
under ?
Rose (referring to book). " An engaged young lady should
230 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
not permit too many familiarities." (Aloud.} Once ! (RICHARD
kisses her)
DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE,
fiicfi. The battle's roar is over,
O my love !
Embrace thy tender lover,
O my love !
From tempests' welter,
From war's alarms,
O give me shelter
Within those arms !
Thy smile alluring,
All heart-ache curing,
Gives peace enduring,
O my love !
Rose. If heart both true and tender,
O my love !
A life-love can engender,
O my love !
A truce to sighing
And tears of brine,
For joy undying
Shall aye be mine,
And thou and I, love,
Shall live and die, love,
Without a sigh, love
My own, my love !
Enter ROBIN, with Chorus of Bridesmaids.
CHORUS.
If well his suit has sped,
Oh, may they soon be wed !
Oh, tell us, tell us, pray,
What doth the maiden say ?
In singing are we justified,
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride " ?
Rob. Well what news? Have you spoken to her?
Rich. Ay, my lad, I have so to speak spoke her.
Hob. And she refuses ?
Rich. Why, no, I can't truly say she do.
Rob. Then she accepts ! My darling ! (Embraces her.}
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
Let the nuptial knot be tied :
In fair phrases
Hymn their praises,
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
THE WITCH* S CURSE. 231
Rose (aside, referring to her book}. Now, what should a
maiden do when she is embraced by the wrong gentleman ?
Rich. Belay, my lad, belay. You don't understand.
Rose. Oh, sir, belay, I beseech you !
Rich. You see, it's like this : she accepts but it's me !
Rol). You ! [RICHARD embraces ROSE.
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
When the nuptial knot is tied
Rob. (interrupting angrily*). Hold your tongues, will you !
Now then, what does this mean ?
Rich. My poor lad, my heart grieves for thee ; but it's like
this : the moment I see her, and just as I was a-goin' to
mention your name, my heart it up and it says, says it, " Dick,
you've fell in love with her yourself," it says. " Be honest and
sailor-like don't skulk under false colours speak up," it says,
" take her, you dog, and with her my blessin' ! "
BRIDESMAIDS.
" Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride ! "
Rob. Will you be quiet! Go away! (Chorus make faces
at him and exeunt.} Vulgar girls !
Rich. What could I do? I'm bound to obey my heart's
dictates.
Rob. Of course no doubt. It's quite right I don't mind
that is, not particularly only it's it is disappointing, you
know.
Rose (to ROBIN). Oh, but, sir, I knew not that thou didst
seek me in wedlock, or in very truth I should not have
hearkened unto this man, for behold, he is but a lowly mariner,
and very poor withal, whereas thou art a tiller of the land, and
thou hast fat oxen, and many sheep and swine, a considerable
dairy farm, and much corn and oil !
Rich. That's true, my lass ; but it's done now, ain't it, Rob?
Rose. Still it maybe that I should not be happy in thy love.
I am passing young, and little able to judge. Moreover, as to
thy character I know naught !
Rob. Nay, Rose, I'll answer for that. Dick has won thy love
fairly. Broken-hearted as I am, I'll stand up for Dick through
thick and thin !
Diclc (with emotion). Thankye, messmate ! that's well said.
That's spoken honest. Thankye, Rob! (Grasps his hand.)
Rose. Yet methinks I have heard that sailors are but worldly
men, and little prone to lead serious and thoughtful lives !
Rob. And what then? Admit that Dick is not a steady
232 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
character, and that when he's excited he uses language that
would make your hair curl. Grant that he does. It's the
truth, and I'm not going to deny it. But look at his good
qualities. He's as nimble as a pony, and his hornpipe is the
talk of the fleet!
Bich. Thankye, Rob! That's well spoken. T hanky e Rob !
Hose. But it maybe that he drinketh strong waters which do
bemuse a man, and make him even, as the wild beasts of the
desert !
Bob. Well, suppose he does, and I don't say he don't, for
rum's his bane, and ever has been. He does drink I wou't
deny it. But what of that Look at his arms tattooed to
the shoulder ! (DiCK rolls up his sleeves.') No, no I won't hear
a word against Dick !
Bose. But they say that mariners are but rarely true to those
whom they profess to love !
Rob. Granted granted and I don't say that Dick isn't as
bad as any of 'em. (DiCK chuckles.) You are, you know you
are, you dog ! a devil of a fellow a regular out-and-out
Lothario! But what then? You caa't have everything, and
a better hand at turning-iu a dead-eye don't walk a deck !
And what an accomplishment that is in a family man ! No,
no not a word against Dick. I'll stick up for him through
thick and thin !
Eich. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've
acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them
no man should disobey.
ENSEMBLE. RICHARD, ROBIX, BOSE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide
Your heart should be your only guide ;
With summer sea and favouring wind
Yourself in port you'll surely find.
SOLO. RICHARD.
My heart says, " To this maiden strike
She's captured you.
She's just the sort of girl you like
You know you do.
If other man her heart should gain,
I shall resign."
That's what it says to me quite plain.
This heart of mine.
SOLO. ROBIX.
My heart says, "You've a prosperous lot.
With acres wide ;
You mean to settle all you've i_,ot
Upon your bride.
77JE WITCIPS CURSE. 233
It don't pretend to shape my acts
By word or sign ;
It merely states these simple facts,
This heart of mine !
SOLO. ROSE.
Ten minutes since my heart said " white"
It^now says "black."
It then said " left "it now says " right "
Hearts often tack.
I must obey its latest strain
You tell me so. [To RICHARD.
But should it change its mind again,
I'll let you know.
[Turning from RICHARD to ROBIN who embraces her.
E^ 7 SEMBLE.
In sailing o'er life's ocean wide'
No doubt the heart should be your guide,
But it is awkward when you find
A heart that does not know its mind !
[Exeunt ROBIN with ROSE and RICHARD, weepiny.
Enter MAD MARGARET. She is wildly dressed in picturesque
tatters, and is an obvious caricacture of theatrical mad-
ness.
. MARGARET.
Cheerily carols the lark
Over the cot.
Merrily whistles the clerk
Scratching a blot.
But the lark
And the clerk,
I remark,
Comfort me not !
Over the ripening peach
Buzzes the bee.
Splash on the billowy beach
Tumbles the sea.
But the peach
And the beach
They are each
Nothing to me !
And why ?
Who am I V
Daft Madge ! Crazy Meg !
Mad Margaret ! Poor Peg !
He ! he ! he ! ha ! he ! (Chuckling.)
234 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Mad, I ?
Yes, very !
But why ?
Mystery !
Don't call !
Whisht! whisht!
No crime
'Tis only
That I'm '
Love lonely !
That's all"!
Whisht! whisht!
BALLAD.
To a garden full of posies
Cometh one to gather flowers,
And he wanders through its bowers
Toying with the wanton roses,
Who, uprising from their beds,
Hold on high their shameless heads,
With their pretty lips a-pouting,
Never doubting never doubting
That for Cytherean posies
He would gather aught but roses !
In a nest of weeds and nettles,
Lay a violet, half-hidden,
Hoping that his glance unbidden
Yet might fall upon her petals,
Though she lived alone, apart,
Hope lay nestling at her heart,
But, alas, the cruel awaking
Set her little heart 1 abreaking,
For he gathered for his posies
Only roses only roses ! [Bursts into tears.
Enter ROSE.
Rose. A maiden, and in tears? Can I do aught to soften
tby sorrow? This apple (Offering apple.)
Mar. (examines it and rejects it). No ! {Mysteriously.') Tell
me, are you mad ?
Rose. I ? No ! That is, I think not.
Mar. That's well! Then you don't love Sir Despard
Murgatroyd ? All mad girls love him. / love him. I'm poor
Mad Margaret Crazy Meg Poor Peg ! He ! he ! he ! he !
( Chuckling.)
Rose. Thou lovest the bad Baronet of Ruddigore ? Oh, horrible
too horrible?
Mar. You pity me ? Then be my mother ! The squirrel
had a mother ; but she drank, and the squirrel fled ! Hush !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 235
They sing a brave song in our parts it runs somewhat
thus : (Sings.")
" The cat and the dog and the little puppee
Sat down in a down in a in a "
I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes ! Listen
I've come to pinch her !
Rose. Mercy, whom !
Mar. You mean " who. 1 '
Rose. Nay ! it is the accusative after the verb.
Mar. True. ( Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to
pinch Rose Maybud !
Rose (aside, alarmed'). Rose Maybud !
Mar. Ay ! I love him he loved me once. But that's all
gone. Fisht ! He gave me an Italian glance thus (Business.)
and made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and
make her his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her stamp
on her stamp on her ! Did you ever kill anybody ? No ?
Why not? Listen I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed,
and I wouldn't have it. So it died pop ! So shall she !
Rose. But behold, / am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not
die " pop."
Mar. You are Rose Maybud !
Rose. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud !
Mar. Strange ! They told me she was beautiful ! And he
loves you ! No, no ! If I thought that, I would treat you as
the auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird I would
rend you asunder !
Rose. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another,
and lo, we are to be wedded this very clay !
Mar. Swear me that ! Come to a Commissioner and let me
have it on affidavit! / once made an affidavit but it died
it died it died ! But see, they come Sir Despard and his
evil crew ! Hide, hide they are all mad quite mad !
Rose. What makes you think that ?
Mar. Hush ! They sing choruses in public. That's mad
enough, I think ! Go hide away, or they will seize you.
Hush ! Quite softly quite, quite softly !
[Exeunt together, on tiptoe.
Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded ly Chorus of
Bridesmaids.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
236 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Men of station,
Admiration
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greeting offer we !
Your exceeding-
Easy breeding
Just the thing our hearts to pillage-
Cheers us, charms us,
Quite disarms us :
Welcome, welcome, to our village ;
To our village welcome be !
CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES.
"When thoroughly tired
Of being admired
By ladies of gentle degree degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee we flee !
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we
All From charms intramural, etc.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in the village
Are people of lowly degree degree.
Though honest and active
They're most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be can
They're clumsy clodhoppers
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen,
And drovers and cowmen,
And hedgers and reapers,
And carters and keepers,
But never a lover for me !
All. They're clumsy clodhoppers, etc.
All. So welcome, gentry
Sets j ^[j. ; tender hearts a-beatiug, etc.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 237
Enter SIR DESPARD MURGATROYD.
SONG AND CHORUS. SIR DESPARD.
Sir D. Oh, why am I moody and sad V
Ch. Can't guess !
Sir D. And why am I guiltily mad ?
Ch. Confess !
Sir D. Because I am thoroughly bad !
Ch. Oh yes
Sir D. You'll see it at once in my face.
Oh, why am I husky and hoarse ?
Ch. Ah, why ?
Sir 2). It's the workings of conscience, of course.
Ch. Fie, fie !
Sir D. And huskiness stands for remorse,
Ch. Oh my !
Sir D. At least it does so in my case !
Sir D. When in crime one is fully employed
Ch. Like you
Sir D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed :
Ch. It do.
Sir D. It's a penalty none can avoid ;
Ch. How true!
Sir D. I once was a nice-looking youth ;
But like stone from a strong catapult
Ch. (explaining to each other). A trice
Sir 1). I rushed at my terrible cult
Ch. (explaining to each other). That's vice
Sir D. Observe the unpleasant result !
Ch. Not nice.
Sir D. Indeed I am telling the truth !
Sir D. Ob, innocent, happy though poor !
Ch. That's we
Sir D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure
Ch. Like me
Sir D. I should be as nice-looking as you're !
Ch. May be.
Sir D. You are very nice-looking indeed !
Oh, innocents, listen in time
Ch. We doe,
Sir D, Avoid an existence of crime
Ch. Just so
Sir D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm
Ch. (loudly). No! No!
Sir D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed.
[All the Girls express their horror of SIR DESPARD. As
he approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken,
leaving him alone on the stage.
Sir. D. Poor children, how they loathe me me whose hands
are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart
238 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
of a little child ! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a
whole picture-gallery of ancestors step down from their frames
and threaten him with an excruciating death, if he hesitate
to commit his daily crime ? But, ha 1 ha ! I am even with
them ! {Mysteriously.} I get my crime over the first thing in
the morning, and then, ha ! ha ! for the rest of the day I do
good I do good I do good ! {Melodramatically.'} Two days
since, I stole a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday
I robbed a bank and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry
off Hose May bud, and atone with a cathedral ! This is what
it is to be the sport and toy of a Picture Gallery ! But I
will be bitterly revenged upon them! I will give them all
to the Nation, and nobody shall ever look upon their faces
again !
Enter RICHARD.
Rich. Ax your honour's pardon, but
Sir D. Ha ! observed ! And by a marin.r ! What would
you with me, fellow ?
Rich. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's man, becalmed
in the doldrums.
Sir D. I don't know them.
Rich. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does
your honour know what it is to have a heart ?
Sir D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete
apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through
the veins and arteries of the human body.
Rich. Ay, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks
you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life
and death to disobey V
Sir D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a
Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.
Rich. Well, your honour, it's like this. Your honour had an
elder brother
Sir D. It had.
Rich. Who should have inherited your title and, with it, its
cuss.
Sir D. Ay ; but he died. Oh, Ruthven !
Rich. He didn't.
Sir D. He did not ?
Rich. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here very
village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going to
marry Rose Maybud this very day.
Sir D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud !
Can this be possible ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 239
Rich. Now tho question 1 was going to ask your honour is
ought I to tell your honour this ?
Sir D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you
ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so.
Rich. That's what my heart says. It says, " Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty) " that
there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he
really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young
gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to
bring her to ? No," it says, " you did not ought." And I won't
ought, accordin'.
Sir D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me that
my elder brother lives that I may charge him with his cruel
deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under
which I have laboured for so many years ! Free free at last !
Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted by
all who knew me !
DUET. Siu DKSPAUD AND RICHARD.
Rich. You understand ?
Sir D. I think I do ;
With vigour unshaken
This step shall be taken.
It's neatly planned.
Rich. I think so too ;
I'll readily bet it
You'll never regret it !
Both. For duty, duty must be done ;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee !
Sir D. The bridegroom comes
Rich. Likewise the bride
The maidens are very
Elated and merry ;
They are her chums.
Sir 1). To lash their pride
Were almost a pity,
The pretty committee !
Both. But duty, duty must be done,
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee !
{Exeunt RICHARD and SIR DESPAKD
240 RUDDIGORE : OR,
Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the bride of seventeen summers ;
In fair phrases
Hymn her praises ;
Lift your song on high, all comers.
She rejoices
In your voices.
Smiling summer bears upon her,
Shedding every blessing on her :
Maidens, greet her
Kindly treat her
You may all be brides some clay !
CHORUS OF BUCKS.
Hail the bridegroom who advances,
Agitated,
Yet elated.
He's in easy circumstances,
Young and lusty,
True and trusty :
Happiness untold awaits them
When the parson consecrates them ;
People near them,
Loudly cheer them
You'll be bridegrooms some fine day !
Enter ROBIN, attended % RICHARD and OLD ADAM, meeting
ROSE, attended ~by ZORAH and DAME HANNAH. ROSE and
ROBIN embrace.
MADRIGAL.
Piose. Where the buds are blossoming,
Smiling welcome to the spring,
Lovers choose a wedding-day-
Life is love in merry May !
Girls. Spring is green Fal lal la !
Summer's rose Fal lal la !
All. It is sad when summer goes,
Fal la !
Men. Autumn's gold Fal lal la !
Winter's gray Fal lal la !
AIL Winter still is far away
Fal la !
Leaves in autumn fade and fall,
Winter is the end of all.
Spring and summer teem with glee :
Spring and summer, then, for me !
Fal la !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 241
Hannah. In the spring-time seed is sown :
In the summer grass is mown :
In the autumn you may reap :
Winter is the time for sleep.
Giils. Spring is hope Fal lal la !
Summer's joy Fal lal la !
-I//. Spring and summer never cloy,
Fal la !
Men. Autumn, toil Fal lal la !
Winter, rest Fal lal la !
All. Winter, after all, is best
Fal la !
All. Spring and summer pleasure you,
Autumn, ay, and winter too
Every season has its cheer
Life is lovely all the vear !
Fal la !
GAVOTTE.
After Gavotte, enter SIR DESPARD.
Sir D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other,
I claim young Robin as my elder brother !
Hob. (aside). Ah, lost one !
tiir D. His rightful title I have long enjoyed :
I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd !
Hose, (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should.
It is a plot !
Hob. I would, if conscientiously I could,
But I cannot !
All. Ah, base one !
SOLO. ROBIX.
As pure and blameless peasant,
I cannot, I regret,
Deny a truth unpleasant,
I am that Baronet !
All. He is that Baronet !
But when completely rated
Bad baronet am I,
That I am what he's stated
I'll recklessly deny !
AIL He'll recklessly deny !
Hob. When I'm a bad bart. I will tell taradiddles !
All. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad bart.
jiub. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles.
All. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part !
Jiob. But until that takes place I must be conscientious
All. He'll be conscientious until that takerf place.
Rob. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious !
All. To morals sententious adieu with good grace !
Zor. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee?
Let him stand forth !
III. ll
242 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Rich, (coming forward). 'Twas I !
All. Die, traitor !
Rich. Hold, my conscience made me !
Withhold your wrath !
SOLO. RICHARD.
Within this breast there beats a heart
Whose voice can't be gainsaid.
It bade me thy true rank impart,
And I at once obeyed.
I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate
I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great
But did I therefore hesitate '?
No ! I at once obeyed !
All. Acclaim him who, when his true heart
Bade him young Robin 1 s rank impart,
Immediately obeyed !
SOLO. ROSE (addressing ROBIX).
Farewell !
Thou hadst my heart
'Twas quickly won !
But now we part
Thy face I shun !
Farewell !
Go bend the knee
At Vice's shrine,
Of life with me
All hope resign.
Farewell !
(To Sir Dcspard.) Take me I am thy bride !
Hurrah !
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
W T hen the nuptial knot is tied ;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy !
Enter MARGARET, ivho listens.
Sir 1). Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now
-Rose. That's why I wed you !
Sir D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow !
Mar. Have I misread you?
Oh, joy ! with newly kindled rapture warmed,
I kneel before you ! [Kneels.
Sir D. I once disliked you ; now that I've reformed,
How I adore you ! [ They embrace.
BRIDESMAIDS.
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
When the nuptial knot is tied ;
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 243
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy !
Rose. Richard, of him I love bereft,
Through thy design,
Thou art the only one that's left,
So I am thine ! [ The]] embrace.
BRIDESMAIDS. -
Hail the Bridegroom hail the Bride !
Let the nuptial knot be tied !
DUET. ROSE AND RICHARD.
Oh, happy the lily
When kissed by the bee ;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he ;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride ;
But happier than any
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride !
DUET. SIR DESPARD AND MARGARET.
Oh, happy the flowers
That blossom in June,
And happy the bowers
That gain by the boon,
But happier by hours
The man of descent,
Who, folly regretting,
Is bent on forgetting
His bad baroneting,
And means to repent !
TRIO. HANNAH, ADAM, AND ZORAH.
Oh, happy the blossom
That blooms on the lea,
Likewise the opossom
That sits on a tree,
But when you come across 'em,
They cannot compare,
With those who are treading
The dance at a wedding,
While people are spreading
The best of good fare !
SOLO. ROBIN.
Oh, wretched the debtor
Who's signing the deed !
And wretched the letter
That no one can read !
244 RUDDIGORE; OR,
But very much better
Their lot it must be
Than that of the person
I'm making this verse on,
Whose head there's a curse on-
Alluding to me !
Bepeat Ensemble with Chorus.
DANCE.
[At the end of the dance ROBIN falls senseless on the
stage. Picture.
ACT II.
SCENE. Picture Gallery in Buddigore Castle. The walls are
covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of Buddi-
f/orefrom the time of JAMES I. the first being that of SIR
RUPERT, alluded to in the legend ; the last, that of the last
deceased Baronet, SIR RODERIC.
Enter ROBIN and ADAM, melodramatically. They are greatly
altered in appearance, ROBIN ivearing the haggard aspect of
a guilty roue ; ADAM, that of the wicked steward to such
a man.
DUET. RODIX AND ADAM.
Jlo'i. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb.
I'm now Sir Murgatroyd ha ! ha !
With greater precision,
(Without the elision)
Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd ha ! ha !
Adam. And I, who was once his ralley-de-sham,
As steward I'm now employed ha ! ha !
The dickens may take him
I'll never forsake him !
As steward I'm now emploj^ed ha ! ha !
Both. How dreadful when an innocent heart
Becomes, perforce, a bad j T oung Bart.,
And still more hard on old Adam
His former faithful valley-de-sham!
Bob. This is a painful state of things, Old Adam !
Adam. Painful, indeed ! Ah, my poor master, when I swore
that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever,
1 little thought to what a pass it would bring me ! The con-
fidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung ! Now, sir, to
business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 245
Rob. How should I know ? As my confidential adviser, it's
your duty to suggest something.
Adam. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good old
man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is
here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their
marriage. Poison their beer.
Hob. No not that I know I'm a bad Burt., but I'm not as
bad a Bart, as all that.
Adam. Well, there you are, you see ! It's no use my making
suggestions if you don't adopt them.
Rob. (melodramatically'). How would it be, do you think,
were I to lure him here with cunning wile bind him with good
stout rope to yonder post and then, by making hideous faces
at him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very
marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme
well planned?
Adam. It would be simply rude nothing more. But soft
they come!
ADAM and ROBIX retire up as RICHARD and RO.SE enter, preceded
by Chorus of Bridesmaids.
DUET. RICHARD AND ROSE.
/.'(Vi. Happily coupled are we,
You see
I am a jolly Jack Tar,
My star,
And you are the fairest,
The richest and rarest
Of innocent lasses, you are,
By far
Of innocent lasses you are !
Fanned by a favouring gale,
You'll sail
Over life's treacherous sea
With me,
And as for bad weather,
We'll brave it together,
And you shall creep under my Ice,
My wee !
And you shall creep under my lee !
For you are such a smart little craft-
Such a neat little, sweet little craft.
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft !
Chorus. For she is such, etc.
246 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Rose. My hopes will be blighted, I fear.
My dear;
In a month you'll be going to sea,
Quite free,
And all of my wishes
You'll throw te the fishes
As though they were never to be ;
Poor me !
As though they were never to be,
And I shall be left all alone
To moan,
And weep'at your cruel deceit,
Complete ;
While you'll be asserting
Your freedom by flirting
With every woman you meet,
You cheat
With every woman you meet !
Though I am such a smart little craft-
Such a neat little, sweet little craft.
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft !
Chorus. Though she is such, etc.
Enter ROBIN.
Rob. Soho ! pretty one in my power at last, eh ? Know ye
not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bid-
ding, would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.)
What ho ! within there !
Rich. Hold we are prepared for this. (Producing a Union
Jack.) Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while
this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does
not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her !
Rol>. Foiled and by a Union Jack ! But a time will come,
and then
Rose. Nay, let rne plead with him. (To ROBIN.) Sir Ruthven,
have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about
to be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet
with a curse on him, is not considered. Time was when you
loved me madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by accord-
ing your consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not
you yourself, is the next best thing your dearest friend !
BALLAD. ROSE.
In bygone days I had thy love,
Thou liadst my heart.
But Fate, all human vows above,
Our lives did part !
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 247
By the old love them hadst for me,
By the fond heart that beat for thee
By joys that never now can be,
Grant thou my prayer !
AIL (kncdiny}. Grant thou her prayer !
Rob. (rccit.). Take her I yield.
All. (rccit.). Oh, rapture !
Chorus. Away to the parson we go
Say we're solicitous very
That he will turn two into one-
Singing hey, clerry down derry !
Rich. For she is such a smart little craft.
Rose. Such a neat little, sweet little craft
Rich. Such a bright little
Rose. Tight little
Rich. Slight little
Rose. Light little
Both. Trim little, slim little craft !
Chorus. For she is such a smart little craft, etc.
[Exeunt all but ROBIN.
Rob. For a week I have fulfilled my accursed doom ! I have
duly committed a crime a-day ! Not a great crime, I trust, but
still in the eyes of one as strictly regulated as I used to be, a
crime. But will my ghostly ancestors be satisfied with what
I have done, or will they regard it as an unworthy subterfuge ?
{Addressing Pictures?) Oh, my forefathers, wallowers in blood,
there came at last a day when, sick of crime, you, each and
every, vowed to sin no more, and so, in agony, called welcome
Death to free you from your cloying guiltiness. Let the sweet
psalm of that repentant hour soften your long-dead hearts, and
tune your souls to mercy on your poor posterity ! (Kneeling?)
[The stage darkens for ci moment. It becomes light again,
and the Pictures are seen to have become animated.
CHORUS OF FAMILY PORTRAITS.
Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each from his accustomed place
Steps into the world once more.
[The Pictures step from their frames and march round
the stage.
Baronet of Ruddigore,
Last of our accursed line,
Down upon the oaken floor- -
Down upon those knees of thine.
Coward, poltroon, shaker, squeamer,
Brbckhead, sluggard, dullard, dreamer,
248 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
Shirker, shuffler, crawler, creeper,
Sniffler, snuffler, waller, weeper,
Earthworm, maggot, tadpole, weevil !
Set upon thy course of evil
Lest the King of Spectre-Land
Set on thee his grisbr hand !
[The spectre of SIR RODEKIC descends from his frame.
Sir Rod. By the curse upon our race
Chorus. Dead and hearsed
All accursed !
Sir Rod. Each inheriting this place
Chorus. Sorrows shake it !
Devil take it !
Sir Rod. Must, perforce, or yea or nay
Chorus. Yea or naying
Be obeying !
Sir Hod. Do a deadly crime each day !
Chorus. Fire and Thunder,
We knocked under
Some atrocious crime committed
Daily ere the world we quitted !
Sir Rod. Beware ! beware ! beware !
Rob. Gaunt vision, who art thou,
That thus, with icy glare
And stern relentless brow,
Appearest, who knows how ?
Sir Rod. J am the spectre of the late
Sir Roderic Murgatroyd,
Who comes to warn thee that thy fate
Thou canst not now avoid.
Rob. Alas, poor ghost !
Sir Rod. The pity you
Express, for nothing goes :
We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose !
Chorus. Yes ! yes !
We spectres are a jollier crew
Than you, perhaps, suppose !
Ha ! ha !
SONG. SIR RODERIC.
When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the
moonlight flies,
And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight skies
When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs bay
the moon,
Then is the spectre's holiday then is the ghosts' high-noon !
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
Then is the ghosts' high-noon !
As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the_trees, and the mists lie low.on
the fen,
From grey tomb-stones are gathered the bones that once were women
and men,
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 249
And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that cads too soon,
For cockcrow limits our holiday the dead of the night's high- noon i
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
The dead of the night's high-noon !
And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds
take flight.
With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim "good-
night ; "
Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its j oiliest tune,
And ushers our next high holiday the dead of the night's high-noon !
Chorus. Ha ! ha !
The dead of the night's high-noon !
Rob. I recognize you now you are the picture that han^s at
the end of the gallery.
Sir Rod. In a bad light. I am.
Rob. Are you considered a good likeness ?
Sir Rod. Pretty well. Flattering.
Rob. Because, as a work of art you are poor.
Sir Rod. I am crude in colour, but I have only been painted
ten years. In a couple of centuries I shall be an Old Master,
and then you will be sorry you spoke lightly of me.
Rob. And may I ask why you have left your frames ?
Sir Rod. It is our duty to see that our successors commit
their daily crimes in a conscientious and workmanlike fashion.
It is our duty to remind you that you are evading the conditions
under which you are permitted to exist.
Rob. Keally I don't know what you'd have. I've only been
a bad baronet a week, and I've committed a crime punctually
every day.
Sir Rod. Let us inquire into this. Monday?
Rob. Monday was a Bank Holidav.
Sir Rod. True. Tuesday?
Rob. On Tuesday I made a false income-tax return.
All. Ha ! ha !
1st Ghost. That's nothing.
2nd Ghost. Nothing at all.
3rd Ghost. Everybody does that.
4th Ghost. It's expected of you.
Sir Rod. Wednesday ?
Rob. (melodramatically). On Wednesday I forged a will.
Sir Rod. Whose will ?
Rob. My own.
Sir Rod. My good sir, you can't forge your own will !
Rob. Can't I, though! I like that! I did! Besides, if a
man can't forge his own will, whose will can he forge?
250 RUDDIGORE j OA\
Ghost. There's something in that.
2nd Ghost. Yes ; it seems reasonable.
3rd Ghost. At first sight it does.
4th Ghost. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy !
Rob. A man can do what he likes with his own ?
Sir Hod. I suppose he can.
Rob. Well, then, he can forge his own will, stoopid! On
Thursday I shot a fox.
1st Ghost. Hear, hear !
Sir Hod. That's better. (Addressing Ghosts.) Pass the
fox, I think? (They assent.} Yes, pass the fox. Friday?
Rob. On Friday I forged a cheque.
Sir Rod. Whose cheque ?
Rob. Old Adam's.
Sir Rod. But old Adam hasn't a banker.
Rob. I didn't say I forged his banker I said I forged his
cheque. On Saturday I disinherited my only son.
Sir Rod. But you haven't got a son.
Rob. No not yet. I disinherited him in advance, to save
time. You see by this arrangement he'll be born ready
disinherited.
Sir Rod. I see. But I don't think you can do that.
Rob. My good sir, if I can't disinherit my own unborn son,
whose unborn son can I disinherit ?
Sir Rod. Humph ! These arguments sound very well, but
I can't help thinking that, if they were reduced to syllogistic
form, they wouldn't hold water. Now quite understand us.
We are foggy, but we don't permit our fogginess to be presumed
upon. Unless you undertake to well, suppose we say, carry
off a lady ? (Addressing Ghosts.) Those who are in favour of
his carrying off a lady - (All hold up their hands except a
Bishop.) Those of the contrary opinion? (Bishop holds up
his hands. ) Oh, you're never satisfied ! Yes, unless you under-
take to carry off a lady at once I don't care what lady
any lady choose your lady you perish in inconceivable
agonies.
Rob. Carry off a lady? Certainly not, on any account. I've
the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything of
the kind for worlds ! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet
I assure you ! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go
back to your frames.
Sir Rod. Very good then let the agonies commence.
[Ghosts make passes. KOBIN begins to ivrithe in agony.
Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Don't do that ! I can't stand it !
Sir Rod. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 251
Rob. Oh ! Oh ! Stop a bit ! Stop it, will you ? I want to
speak.
[SiR KODERIC makes signs to Ghosts, wlio resume their
attitudes.
Sir Hod. Better ?
Eob. Yes better now ! Whew !
Sir Hod. Well, do you consent ?
Rob. But it's such an ungentlcmanly thing to do !
Sir Rod. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on !
Rob. Stop I can't stand it ! I agree ! I promise ! It shall
be done !
Sir Rod. To-day?
Eob. To-day!
Sir Rod. At once ?
Rob. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it
was anything like that !
CHORUS.
He yields ! He answers to our call !
We do not ask for more.
A sturdy fellow, after all,
This latest Euddigore !
All perish in unheard-of woe
Who dare our wills defy ;
We want your pardon, ere we go,
For having agonized you so
So pardon us
So pardon us
So pardon us
Or die !
Rob. I pardon you !
I pardon you !
AU. He pardons us
Hurrah !
[The Ghosts return to their frames.
Chorus. Painted emblems of a race,
All accurst in days of yore,
Each to his accustomed place
Steps unwillingly, once more !
\_By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again.
ROBIN is overcome by emotion.
Enter ADAM.
Adam. My poor master, you are not well
Rob. Gideon Crawle, it won't do I've seen 'em all my
ancestors they're just gone. They say that I must do some-
252 RUDDJGORE , OR,
thing desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go go
to yonder village carry off a maiden bring her here at once
any one I don't care which
Adam. But
Hob. Not a word, but obey ! Fly ! [Exit. APAM.
RECITATIVE AND SOXG. ROBIX.
Away, Remorse !
Compunction, hence !
Go, Moral Force !
Go, Penitence !
To Virtue's plea
A long farewell-
Propriety,
I ring your knell !
Come guiltiness of deadliest hue,
Come desperate deeds of derring do !
Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times
I've promised to perpetrate daily ;
To-morrow I start, with a petrified heart,
On a regular course of Old Bailey.
There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking,
And several other disgraces
There's postage-stamp prigging, and then, thimble-rigging,
The three-card delusion at races !
Oh ! a Baronet's rank is exceedingly nice,
But the title's uncommonly dear at the price !
Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the shires,
Where petty distinctions are vital,
Who found Athenreums and local museums,
With views to a baronet's title
Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers
Who sneer at all things that are tradey
Whose middle-class lives are embarrassed by wives
Who long to parade as " My Lady,"
Oh ! allow me to offer a word of advice,
The title's uncommonly dear at the price !
Ye supple M.P.'s, who go down on your knees,
Your precious identity sinking,
And vote black or white as your leaders indite
(Which saves you the trouble of thinking),
For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame,
You don't care the snuff of a candle
But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name
Will be graced by a baronet's handle
Oh ! allow me to give you a word of advice
The title's uncommonly dear at the price !
[Exit ROBIN.
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 253
Enter SIR DESPARD and MARGARET. Tliey are loth dressed in
sober black of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to
their appearance in Act 1.
DUET.
Des. I once was a very abandoned person
Mar. Making the most of evil chances.
Des. Nobody could conceive a worse 'un
Mar. Even in all the old romances.
DCS. I blush for my wild extravagances,
But be so kind
To bear in mind,
Mar. We were the victims of circumstances ! [Dance.
That is one of our blameless dances.
Mar. I was an exceedingly odd young lady
'Des. Suffering much from spleen and vapours.
Mar. Clergymen thought my conduct shady
Des. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers.
Mar. It certainly entertained the gapers.
My ways were strange
Beyond all range
Des. And paragraphs got into all the papers. [Dance.
Des. We only cut respectable capers.
Des. I've given up all my wild proceedings.
Mar. My taste for a wandering life is waning.
Des. Now I'm a dab at penny-readings.
Mar. They are not remarkably entertaining.
Des. A moderate livelihood we're gaining.
Mar. In fact we rule
A National School.
DCS. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining, [Dunce.
This sort of thing takes a deal of training !
Des. We have been married a week.
Mar. One happy, happy week !
Dts. Our new Hie
Mar. Is delightful indeed!
Des. So calm !
Mar. So unimpassioned ! {Wildly.) Master, all this I owe
to you ! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is
combed. My face is washed. My boots fit !
Des. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself, liemember,
you are now a district visitor.
Mar. A gentle district visitor !
Des. You are orderly, methodical, neat ; you have your
emotions well under control.
Mar. I have ! (Wildly.) Master, when I think of all you
have done for me, I fall at your feet. I embrace your ankles.
I hug your knees ! (Doing so.)
254 RUDDIGORE; OR,
Des. Hush. This is not well. This is calculated to provoke
remark. Be composed, I beg /
Mar. Ah ! you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret !
Des. No, not angry ; but a district visitor should learn to
eschew melodrama. Visit the poor, by all means, and give
them tea and barley-water, but don't do it as if you were ad-
ministering a bowl of deadly nightshade. It upsets them.
Then, when you nurse sick people, and find them not as well as
could be expected, why go into hysterics ?
Mar. Why not ?
Des. Because it's too jumpy for a sick-room.
Mar. How strange ! Oh, Master ! Master ! how shall I
express the all-absorbing gratitude that (About to throw
herself at his feet.)
Des. Now! (Warningfy.)
Mar. Yes, I know, dear it shan't occur again. (He is seated
she sits on the ground by him.) Shall I tell you one of poor
Mad Margaret's odd thoughts ? Well, then, when I am lying
awake at night, and the pale moonlight streams through the
latticed casement, strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad
brain, and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some
word for you to use whenever I am about to relapse some
word that teems with hidden meaning like " Basingstoke " it
might recall me to my saner self. For, after all, 1 am only
Mad Margaret ! Daft Meg ! Poor Meg ! He ! he ! he !
Des. Poor child, she wanders ! But soft some one comes.
Margaret, pray recollect yourself Basiugstoke, I beg ! Mar-
garet, if you don't Basingstoke at once, I shall be seriously
angry.
Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is !
Des. Then make it so.
Enter ROBIN. He starts on seeing them.
Rob. Despard ! And his young wife ! This visit is un-
expected.
Mar. Shall I fly at him ? Shall I tear him limb from limb ?
Shall I rend him asunder ? Say but the word, and
Des. Basingstoke!
Mar. (suddenly demure). Basingstoke it is !
Des. (aside). Then make it so. {Aloud.) My brother I
call you brother stili, despite your horrible profligacy we
have come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which
you have committed yourself, and at any cost to become a pure
and blameless ratepayer.
Hob. But I've done no wrong yet.
THE WITCirs CURSE. 255
Mar. (wildly"). No wrong ! Pie has done no wrong ! Did
you hear that !
Des. Basingstoke.
Mar. (recovering herself). Basingstoke it is.
Des. My brother I still call you brother, you observe you
forget that you have been, in the eye of the law, a Bad Baronet
of Ruddigore for ten years and you are therefore responsible
in the eye of the law for all the misdeeds committed by the
unhappy gentleman who occupied your place.
Rob. I see ! Bless my heart, I never thought of that ! Was
I very bad ?
Des. Awful. Wasn't he? (To MARGARET.)
Rob. And I've been going on like this for how long ?
Des. Ten years ! Think of all the atrocities you have com-
mitted by attorney as it were during that period. Remember
how you trifled with this poor child's affections how you raised
her hopes on high (don't cry, my love Basingstoke, you know),
only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very
zenith of their fulness. Oh, fie, sir, fie she trusted you !
Rob. Did she ? What a scoundrel I must have been ! There,
there don't cry, my dear (to MARGARET, ^vho is sobbing on
ROBIN'S breast}, it's all right now. Birmingham you know-
Birmingham
Mar. (sobbing). It's Ba Ba Basingstoke !
Rob. Basingstoke ! of course it is Basingstoke.
Mar. Then make it so !
Rob. There, there it's all right he's married you now
that is, I've married you. (Turning to DESPARD.) I say, which
of us has married her ?
Des. Oh, I've married her.
Rob. (aside). Oh, I'm glad of that. (To MARGARET.) Yes, he's
married you now (passing her over to DESPARD), and anything
more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've
never even heard of. But my mind is made up I will defy
my ancestors. I will refuse to obey their behests, thus, by
courting death, atone in some degree for the infamy of my
career !
Mar. I knew it I knew it. God bless you. (Hysterically.')
Des. Basingstoke !
Mar. Basingstoke it is ! (Recovers herself.)
PATTER-TRIO.
ROBIN, DESPARD AND MARGARET.
liob. My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration.
256 RUDD1GORE ; OR,
I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses,
And I don't care twopence halfpenny for any consequences.
Xow, I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger,
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger,
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter,
But I've got to die to-morrow, so it really doesn't matter !
DCS. So it really doesn't matter
Mar. So it really doesn't matter
All. So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
Mar. If I were not a little mad and generally silly,
I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy nilly ;
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question,
And you'd really be astonished at the force of my suggestion.
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter,
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better,
But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter,
So I'll keep 'em to myself, for my opinion doesn't matter !
DCS. Her opinion doesn't matter
Rob. Her opinion doesn't matter
All. Her opinion doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
Des. If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother
Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another
"Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was
erring,
(Which is just the very favour which on you I am conferring).
My story would have made a rather interesting idyll,
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle.
This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter !
Rob. If it is it doesn't matter
Mar. If it ain't it doesn't matter
All. If it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter !
[.Exeunt DESPARD and MARGARET.
Enter ADAM.
Adam (guiltily). Master the deed is done !
Rob. What deed?
Adam. She is here alone, unprotected.
Bob. Who?
Adam. The maiden. I've carried her off- 1 had a hard task,
for she fought like a tiger-cat !
Rob. Great Heaven, I had forgotten her! I Lad hoped to
have died unspotted by crime, but I am foiled again and by a
tiger-cat ! Produce her and leave us !
[ADAM introduces OLD HANNAH, very much excited, and
exit.
Rob. Dame Hannah ! This is this is not what I expected.
Han. Well, sir, and what would you with me? Oh, you
have begun bravely bravely indeed ! Unappalled by the calm
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 257
dignity of blameless womanhood, your minion has torn me
from my spotless home, and dragged me, blindfold and shrieking,
through hedges, over stiles, and across a very difficult country,
and left me, helpless and trembling, at your mercy ! Yet not
helpless, coward sir, for, approach one step nay, but the
twentieth part of one poor inch and this poniard (produces a
very small dagger) shall teach ye what it is to lay unholy
hands on old Stephen Trusty's daughter!
Hob. Madam, I am extremely sorry for this. It is not at all
what I intended anything more correct more deeply respectful
than my intentions towards you, it would be impossible for
any one however particular to desire.
Han. Bah, I am not to be tricked by smooth words,
hypocrite ! But be warned in time, for there are without, a
hundred gallant hearts whose trusty blades would hack hitn
limb from limb who dared to lay unholy hands on old Stephen
Trusty's daughter !
Rob. And this is what it is to embark upon a career of un-
licensed pleasure !
[HANNAH, who has taken a formidable dagger from one of
the armed figures, throws her small dagger to KOBIN.
Han. Harkye, miscreant, you have secured me, and I am
your poor prisoner; but if you think I cannot take care of
myself you are very much mistaken. Now then, it's one to
one, and let the best man win ! (Making for him.)
Rob. (in an agony of terror). Don't! don't look at me like
that ! I can't bear it ! Koderic ! Uncle ! Save me !
RODERIC enters, up trap in centre of stage. He is visible only
as far as the ivaist.
Rod. What is the matter? Have you carried her off?
Rob. I have she is there look at her she terrifies me
Come quite up and save me !
Rod. (looking at HANNAH). Little Nannikin !
Han. (amazed.) Koddy-doddy !
Rod. My own old love! (Comes completely through trap.)
Why, how came you here ?
Han. This brute he carried me off! Bodily! But I'll
show him ! {About to rush at ROBIN.)
Rod. Stop! (To ROB.) What do you mean by carrying off
this lady? Are you aware that, once upon a time she was
engaged to be married to me? I'm very angry very angry
indeed.
Rob. Now, I hope this will be a lesson to you in future, not
to-
III. S
258 RUDDIGORE ; OR,
Rod. Hold your tongue, sir.
Rob. Yes, uncle.
Rod. Have you given him any encouragement ?
Han. (to ROB). Have I given you any encouragement?
Frankly now, have I?
Rob. No. Frankly, you have not. Anything more scrupu-
lously correct than your conduct it would be impossible to
desire.
Rod. You go away.
Rob. Yes, uncle. [Exit ROBIN.
Rod. This is a strange meeting after so many years !
Han. Very. I thought you were dead.
Rod. I am. I died ten years ago.
Han. And are you pretty comfortable ?
Rod. Pretty well that is yes, pretty well.
Han. You don't deserve to be, for I loved you all the while,
dear ; and it made me dreadfully unhappy to hear of all your
goings on, you bad, bad boy !
BALLAD. HANNAH.
There grew a little flower
'Neath a great oak tree :
When the tempest 'gan to lower
Little heeded she :
No need had she to cower,
For she dreaded not its power
She was happy in the bower
Of her great oak tree !
Sing hey,
Lackaday !
Let the tears fall free
For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree !
Both. Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
When she found that he was fickle,
Was that great oak tree,
She was in a pretty pickle,
As she well might be
But his gallantries were mickle
For Death followed with his sickle,
And her tears began to trickle
For her great oak tree !
Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
Said she, " He loved me never,
Did that great oak tree,
But I'm neither rich nor clever,
And so why should he ?
THE WITCH'S CURSE. 259
But though fate our fortunes sever,
To be constant I'll endeavour,
Ay, for ever and for ever,
To my great oak tree ! "
Sing hey,
Lackaday ! etc.
[Falls weeping on RODERIC'S bosom.
Enter ROBIN, excitedly, followed by all the diameters and
Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Rol). Stop a bit both of you.
Rod. This intrusion is unmannerly.
Han. I'm surprised at you.
Rob. I can't stop to apologize an idea has just occurred to
me. A Baronet of Ruddigore can only die through refusing to
commit his daily crime.
Rod. No doubt.
Rob. Therefore, to refuse to commit a daily crime is tanta-
mount to suicide !
Rod. It would seem so.
Rob. But suicide is, itself, a crime and so, by your own
showing, you ought never to have died at all !
Rod. I see I understand ! Then I'm practically alive !
Rob. Undoubtedly ! (SiR ROBERIC embraces HANNAH.) Rose,
when you believed that I was a simple farmer, I believe you
loved me ?
Rose. Madly, passionately !
Rob. But when I became a bad baronet, you very properly
loved Richard instead ?
Rose. Passionately, madly !
Rob. But if I should turn out not to be a bad baronet after
all, how would you love me then ?
Rose. Madly, passionately !
Rob. As before ?
Rose. Why, of course !
Rob. My darling! (Tliej embrace.)
Rich. Here, I say, belay.
Rose. Oh, sir, belay, if it's absolutely necessary.
Rob. Belay ? Certainly not !
FINALE.
Rob. Having been a wicked baronet a week,
Once again a modest livelihood I seek,
Agricultural employment
Is to me a keen enjoyment,
For I'm naturallv diffident and meek !
260 RUDD1GORE ; OR, THE WITCH'S CURSE.
Rose. When a man has been a naughty baronet,
And expresses his repentance and regret,
You should help him if you're able,
Like the rnousie in the fable.
That's the teaching of my Book of Etiquette.
lli:h. If you ask rne why I do not pipe my eye,
Like an honest British sailor, I reply,
That with Zorah for my missis,
There'll be bread and cheese and kisses,
Which is just the sort of ration I enjye !
DCS. and Mar. Prompted by a keen desire to evoke,
All the blessed calm of matrimony's yoke,
W T e shall toddle off to-morrow,
From this scene of sin and sorrow,
For to settle in the town of Basingstoke !
All. 'For happy the lily
That's kissed by the bee ;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he ;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride ;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride !
CUETAIN.
THE
YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
OK,
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID
A XE\V AXD ORIGINAL OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
produced at the Savoy Theatre, Lvndon, under the management of
MR. R. D'OYLY CARTE, OH Wednesday, October yd, iSSS.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
SIR RICHARD CHOLMONDELEY, Lieute-
nant of the Tower MR. W. BKOWXLOW.
COLONEL FAIRFAX (under sentence of
death) MR. COURTICE POUNDS.
SERGEANT MERYLL, of the Yeomen of
the Guard MR. RICHARD TEMPLE.
LEONARD MERYLL, his Son MR. W. R. SHIRLEY.
JACK POINT, a Strolling Jester MR. GEORGE GROSSMITH
WILFRED SHADBOLT, Head Jailor and
Assistant Tormentor MR. W. H. DENNY.
THE HEADSMAN MR. RICHARDS.
FIRST YEOMAN MR. WILBRAHAM.
SECOND YEOMAN MR. MEDCALF.
THIRD YEOMAN ... MR. MERTON.
FOURTH YEOMAN MR. RUDOLF LEWIS.
FIRST CITIZEN MR. REDMOND.
SECOND CITIZEN MR. BOYD.
ELSIE MAYNARD, a Strolling Singer ... Miss GERALDINE ULMAR.
PHCEUE MERYLL, Sergeant Menjlfs
Daughter Miss JESSIE BOND.
DAME CARRUTHERS, Housekeeper to the.
Tower ... Miss ROSIN A BRANDRAM.
KATE, her Niece Miss ROSE HERVEY.
Chorus of Yeomen of the. Guard, Gentlemen, Citizens, etc.
SCENETOWER GREEN.
DATE IGTii CENTURY.
THE
YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
OR, THE
MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID.
ACT I.
SCENE. Tower Green. PHOEBE discovered spinning.
SONG. PH<EBE.
When maiden loves, she sits aud sighs,
She wanders to and fro ;
Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes,
And to all questions she replies,
With a sad heigho !
'Tis but a little word "heiglio ! "
So soft, 'tis scarcely heard " heigho ! "
An idle breath
Yet life and death
May hang upon a maid's " heigho ! "
When maiden loves, she mopes apart,
As owl mopes on a tree ;
Although she keenty feels the smart,
She cannot tell what ails her heart,
With its sad " Ah me ! "
'Tis but a foolish sigh" Ah me ! "
Born but to droop and die " Ah me ! "
Yet all the sense
Of eloquence
Lies hidden in a maid's " Ah me ! " [Weeps.
Enter WILFHED.
W'il Mistress Meryll !
Phce. (looking up). Eh ! Oh ! it's you, is it ! You may go
away, if you like. Because I don't want you, you know.
264 TffE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Wil. Haven't you anything to say to me?
PhcB. Oh yes ! Are the birds all caged ? The wild beasts all
littered down ? All the locks, chains, bolts, and bars in good
order? Is the Little Ease sufficiently uncomfortable? The
racks, pincers, and thumbscrews all ready for work ? Ugh !
you brute !
Wil. These allusions to my professional duties are in doubt-
ful taste. I didn't become a head-jailor because I like head-
jailing. I didn't become an assistant-tormentor because I like
assistant-tormenting. We can't all be sorcerers, you know.
(PHCEBE annoyed.) Ah ! you brought that upon yourself.
Phce. Colonel Fairfax is not a sorcerer. He's a man of science
and an alchemist.
Wil. Well, whatever he is, he won't be one long, for he's to
be beheaded to-day for dealings with the devil. His master
nearly had him last night, when the fire broke out in the
Beaucharnp Tower.
Phce. Oh, how I wish he 'had escaped in the confusion!
But take care ; there's still time for a reply to his petition for
mercy.
Wil. Ah ! I'm content to chance that. This evening at half-
past seven ah !
Phce. You're a cruel monster to speak so unfeelingly of the
death of a young and handsome soldier.
Wil. Young and handsome ! How do you know he's young
and handsome ?
Phce. Because I've seen him every day for weeks past taking
his exercise on the Beaucharnp Tower. (WILFRED utters a cry
of agony.) There, I believe you're jealous of him, now. Jealous
of a man I've never spoken to ! Jealous of a poor soul who's to
die in an hour !
Wil. I am ! I'm jealous of everybody and everything. I'm
jealous of the very words I speak to you because they reach
your ears and I mustn't go near 'em !
Phce. How unjust you are ! Jealous of the words you speak
to me ! Why, you know as well as I do, that I don't even like
them.
Wil. You used to like 'em.
Phce. I used to pretend I liked them. It was mere politeness
to comparative strangers. [Exit PHCEBE, ivifh spinning wheel.
Wil. I don't believe you know what jealousy is ! I don't
believe you know how it eats into a man's heart and disorders
his digestion and turns his interior into boiling lead. Oh, you
are a heartless jade to trifle with the delicate organization of the
human interior!
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 265
Enter Crowd of Men and Women, followed ly Yeomen of the
Guard, led ly SERGEANT MERYLL.
CHORUS (as Yeomen march on).
Tower Warders,
Under orders,
Gallant pikemen, valiant sworders !
Brave in bearing,
Foemen scaring,
In their bygone days of daring !
Ne'er a stranger
There to danger-
Each was o'er the world a ranger :
To the story
Of our glory
Each a bold contributory !
CHORUS OF YEOMEX.
In the autumn of our life
Here at rest in ample clover,
We rejoice in telling over
Our impetuous May and June.
In the evening of our day,
With the sun of life declining,
We recall without repining,
All the heat of bygone noon.
SOLO. SERGEANT.
This the autumn of our life,
This the evening of our day ;
Weary we of battle strife,
Weary we of mortal fray.
But our year is not so spent,
And our days are not so faded,
But that we with one consent,
Were our loved land invaded,
Still would face a foreign foe,
As in days of long ago.
PEOPLE. YEOMEN T .
Tower Warders, In the autumn time of life, etc.
Under orders, etc.
[Exeunt Crowd. Manent Yeomen.
Enter DAME CARRUTHERS.
Dame. A good day to you, Sergeant.
Serg. Good day, Dame Carruthers. Busy to-day '?
Dame. Busy, ay ! The fire in the Beauchamp last night has
given me work enough. A dozen poor prisoners Richard
Colfax, Sir Martin Byfleet, Colonel Fairfax, Warren the
preacher-poet, and half a score others all packed into one
266 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
small cell, not six feet square. Poor Colonel Fairfax, who's to
die to-day, is to be removed to No. 14 in the Cold Harbour
Tower that he may have his last hour alone with his confessor ;
and I've to see to that.
Serg. Poor gentleman ! He'll die bravely. I fought under
him two years since, and he valued his life as it were a feather !
Phce. He's the bravest, the handsomest, and the best young
gentleman in England ! He twice saved my father's life ; and
it's a cruel thing, a Avicked thing, and a barbarous thing that so
gallant a hero should lose his head for it's the handsomest
head in England!
Dame. For dealings with the devil. Ay ! if all were be-
headed who dealt with him, there'd be busy doings on Tower
Green.
Phce. You know very well that Colonel Fairfax is a student
of alchemy nothing more, and nothing less ; but this wicked
Tower, like a cruel giant in a fairy-tale, must be fed with
blood, and that blood must be the best and bravest in England,
or it's not good enough for the old Blunderbore. Ugh !
Dame. Silence, you silly girl ; you know not what you say.
I was born in the old keep, and I've grown grey in it, and,
please God, I shall die and be buried in it ; and there's not a
stone in its walls that is not as dear to me as my own right
hand.
SONG.' DAME CARRUTHERS.
When our gallant Norman foes
Made our merry land their own,
And the Saxons from the Conqueror were flying,
At his bidding it arose,
In its panoply of stone,
A sentinel unliving and undying.
Insensible, I trow,
As a sentinel should be,
Though a queen to save her head should come a-suing.
There's a legend on its brow
That is eloquent to me,
And it tells of duty done and duty doing.
"The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
On London town and all its hoard
I keep my solemn watch and ward ! "
Chorus. The screw may twist, etc.
AVithin its wall of rock
The flower of the brave
Have perished with a constancy unshaken.
From the dungeon to the block,
From the scaffold to the grave,
Is a journey many gallant hearts have taken.
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 267
And the wicked flames may hiss
Round the heroes who have fought
For conscience and for home in all its beauty ;
But the grim old fortalice
Takes little heed of aught
That comes not in the measure of its duty.
" The screw may twist and the rack may turn,
And men may bleed and men may burn,
On London town and all its hoard
It keeps its silent watch and ward ! "
[Exeunt all hut PHCEBE and SERGEANT MERYLL.
Phoe. Father ! No reprieve for the poor gentleman ?
Her. No, my lass ; but there's one hope yet. Thy brother
Leonard, who, as a reward for his valour in saving his standard
and cutting his way through fifty foes who would have hanged
him, has been appointed a Yeoman of the Guard, will arrive
this morning ; and as he comes straight from Windsor, where
the Court is, it may be it may be that he will bring the
expected reprieve with him.
Phce. Oh, that he may !
Her. Amen ! For the Colonel twice saved my life, and I'd
give the rest of my life to save his ! And wilt thou not be
glad to welcome thy brave brother, with the fame of whose
exploits all England is a-ringiug ?
Phce. Ay, truly, if he brings the reprieve.
Mer. And not otherwise ?
Phce. Well, he's a brave fellow indeed, and I love brave
men.
Mer. All brave men ?
Phce. Most of them, I verily believe ! But I hope Leonard
will not be too strict with me they say he is a very dragon of
virtue and circumspection ! Now, my dear old father is kind-
ness itself, and
Mer. And leaves thee pretty well to thine own ways, eh ?
Well, I've no fears for thee; thou hast a feather-brain, but
thou'rt a good lass.
Phoe. Yes, that's all very true, but if Leonard is going to
tell me that I may not do this and I may not do that, and I
must not talk to this one, or walk with that one, but go
through the world with my lips pursed up and my eyes cast
down, like a poor nun who has renounced mankind why, as
I have not renounced mankind, and don't mean to renounce
mankind, I won't have it there !
Mer. Nay, he'll not check thee more than is good for thee,
Phoebe !
268 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Enter LEONARD MERYLL.
Leon. Father!
Mer. Leonard ! my brave boy ! I'm right glad to see thee,
and so is Phoebe !
Phce. Ay hast thou brought Colonel Fairfax's reprieve ?
Leon. Nay, I have here a despatch for the Lieutenant, but no
reprieve for the Colonel !
Phce. Poor gentleman ! poor gentleman !
Leon. Ay, I would I had brought better news. I'd give my
right hand nay, my body my life, to save his !
Mer. Dost thou speak in earnest, my lad ?
Leon. Ay I'm no braggart. Did he not save thy life?
and am I not his foster-brother?
Mer. Then hearken to me. Thou hast come to join the
Yeomen of the Guard.
Leon. Well!
Mer. None has seen thee but ourselves ?
Leon. And a sentry, who took but scant notice of me.
Mer. Now to prove thy words. Give me the despatch, and
get thee hence at once ! Here is money, and I'll send thee
more. Lie hidden for a space, and let no one know. I'll con-
vey a suit of yeoman's uniform to the Colonel's cell he shall
shave off his beard so that none shall know him, and I'll own
him as rny son, the brave Leonard Meryll, who saved his flag
and cut his way through fifty foes who thirsted for his life.
He will be welcomed without question by my brother-yeomen,
I'll warrant that. Now, how to get access to his cell? (To
PHCEBE.) The key is with thy sour-faced admirer, Wilfred
Shad bolt.
Phce. (demurely'). I think I say, I think I can get any-
thing I want from Wilfred. I think I say, I think you may
leave that to me.
Mer. Then get thee hence at once, lad and bless thee for
this sacrifice.
Phce. And take my blessing too, dear, dear Leonard !
Leon. And thine, eh? Humph! Thy love is new-born,
wrap it up, lest it take cold and die.
TRIO. LEONARD, PHCEBE, MERYLL.
Phce. Alas ! I waver to and fro
Dark danger bangs upon the deed !
All. Dark danger hangs upon the deed !
Leon. The scheme is rash and well may fail ;
But ours are not the hearts that quail
The hands that shrink the cheeks that pale
In hours of need !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 269
All. No, ours are not the hearts that quail,
The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale
In hours of need !
Mer. The air I breathe to him I owe :
My life is his I count it naught !
That life is his so count it naught !
Leon. And shall I reckon risks I rim
AVhen services are to be done
To save the life of such an one ?
Unworthy thought !
-I'V. And shall we reckon risks we run
To save the life of such an one ?
Unworthy thought !
We may succeed who can foretell
May Heaven help our hope farewell !
We may succeed who can foretell ?
May Heaven help our hope fareAvell !
[LEONARD embraces MERYLL and PHCEDE, and then exit.
FHCEBE iveeping.
Mer. Nay, lass, be of good cheer, we may save him yet.
Phce. Oh, see, father they bring the poor gentleman from
the Beauchamp ! Oh, father ! his hour is not yet come?
Mer. No, no they lead him to the Cold Harbour Tower to
await his end in solitude. But softly the Lieutenant ap-
proaches ! He should not see thee weep.
Enter FAIRFAX, guarded. The LIEUTENANT enters,
meeting him.
Lieut. Halt ! Colonel Fairfax, my old friend, we meet but
sadly.
Fair. Sir, I greet you with all good-will ; and I thank you
for the zealous care with which you have guarded me from the
pestilent dangers which threaten human life outside. In this
happy little community, Death, when he comes, doth so in
punctual and business-like fashion ; and, like a courtly gentle-
man, giveth due notice of his advent, that one may not be
taken unawares.
Lieut. Sir, you bare this bravely, as a brave man should.
Fair. Why, sir, it is no light boon to die swiftly and surely
at a given hour and in a given fashion ! Truth to tell, I
would gladly have my life ; but if that may not be, I have the
next best thing to it, which is death. Believe me, sir, my lot
is not so much amiss !
Phce. (aside to MERYLL). Oh, father, father, I cannot bear it?
Mer. My poor lass !
270 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Fair. Nay, pretty one, why weepest thou? Come, be com-
forted. Such a life as mine is not worth weeping for. (Sees
MEEYLL.) Sergeant Meryll, is it not? (To LIEUTENANT.)
May I greet my old friend ? (Shakes MEEYLL'S hand.} Why,
man, what's all this? Thou and I have faced the grim old
king a dozen times, and never has his majesty come to me in
such goodly fashion. Keep a stout heart, good fellow we are
soldiers, and wo know how to die, thou and I. Take my word
for it, it is easier to die well than to live well for, in sooth,
I have tried both.
BALLAD. FAIRFAX.
Is life a boon ?
If so, it must befal
That Death, whene'er he call,
Must call too soon.
Though fourscore years he give,
Yet one would pray to live
Another moon !
What kind of plaint have I,
Who perish in July?
I might have had to die,
PerchancCj in June !
Is life a thorn ?
Then count it not a whit !
Man is well done with it ;
Soon as he's born
He should all means css:xy
To put the plague away ;
And I, war-worn,
Poor captured fugitive,
My life most gladly give
I might have had to live
Another morn !
\_At the end PH<EBE is led off, weeping, by MEEYLL.
Fair. And now, Sir Kichard, I have a boon to beg. I am
in this strait for no better reason than because my kinsman,
Sir Clarence Poltwhistle, one of the Secretaries of State, has
charged me with sorcery, in order that he may succeed to my
estate, which devolves to him provided I die unmarried.
Lieut. As thou wilt most surely do.
Fair. Nay, as I will most surely not do, by your worship's
grace ! I have a mind to thwart this good cousin of mine.
Lieut. How?
Fair. By marrying forthwith, to be sure !
Lieut. But, Heaven ha' mercy, whom wouldst thou marry ?
Fair. Nay, 1 am indifferent on that score. Coming Death
hath made of me a true and chivalrous knight, who holds all
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 271
womankind in such esteem that the oldest, and the meanest,
and the worst-favoured of them is good enough for him. So,
my good Lieutenant, if thou wouhlst serve a poor soldier who
has but an hour to live, find me the first that comes my
confessor shall marry us, and her dower shall he my dis-
honoured name and a hundred crowns to boot. No such poor
dower for an hour of matrimony !
Lieut. A strange request. I doubt that I should be
warranted in granting it.
Fair. Tut tut! There never was a marriage fraught with
so little of evil to the contracting parties. In an hour she'll
be a widow, and I a bachelor again for aught I know !
Lieut. Well, I will see what can be done, for I hold thy
kinsman in abhorrence for the scurvy trick he has played thee.
Fair. A thousand thanks, good sir ; we meet again on this
spot in an hour or so. I shall be a bridegroom then, and your
worship will wish me joy. Till then farewell. (To guard.)
I am ready, good fellows.
[Exit ivitli guard into Cold Harbour Tower.
Lieut. He is a brave fellow, and it is a pity that he should
die. Now, how to find him a bride at sucji short notice?
Well, the task should be easy ! [Exit.
Enter JACK POINT and ELSIE MAYNARD, pursued by a crowd
o/Mcn and Women. POINT and ELSIE are much terrified ;
POINT, however, assuming an appearanee of self-possession.
CHORUS.
Here's a man of jollity,
Jibe, joke, jollify !
Give us of your quality,
Come, fool, follify !
If you vapour vapidly,
River runneth rapidly,
Into it we fling
Bird who doesn't siug !
Give us an experiment
In the art of merriment ;
Into it we throw
Cock who doesn't crow !
Banish your timidity,
And with all rapidity
Give us quip and quiddity
Willy-nilly, !
River none can mollify ;
Into it we throw
Fool who doesn't follify,
Cock who doesn't crow !
272 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Point (alarmed}. My masters, I pray you bear with us,
and we will satisfy you, for we are merry folk who would make
all merry as ourselves. For, look you, there is humour in all
things, and the truest philosophy is that which teaches us to
find it and to make the most of it.
Elsie (struggling with one of the crowd}. Hands off, I say,
unmannerly fellow ! (Pushing him away.}
Point (to 1st Citizen). Ha! Didst thou hear her say,
"Hands off?"
1st Cit. Ay, I heard her say it, and I felt her do it ! What
then ?
Point. Thou dost not see the humour of that ?
1st Cit. Nay, if I do, hang me !
Point. Thou dost not? Now observe. She said "Hands
off ! " Whose hands ? Thine. Off what ? Off her. Why ?
Because she is a woman. Now had she not been a woman,
thine hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason
for the laying on of hands is the reason for the taking off of
hands, and herein is contradiction contradicted ! It is the
very marriage of pro with con ; and no such lopsided union
either, as times go, for pro is not more unlike con than man is
unlike w r oman yet men and women marry every day with
none to say " Oh, the pity of it," but I and fools like me !
Now wherewithal shall we please you ? We can rhyme you
couplet, triolet, quatrain, sonnet, rondolet, ballade, what you
will. Or we can dance you saraband, gondolet, carole, pimpernel
or Jumping Joan.
Elsie. Let us give them the singing farce of the Merry man
and his Maid therein is song and dance too.
All. Ay, the Merryman and his Maid !
DUET. POINT AND ELSIE.
Point. I have a song to sing, O !
Elsie. Sing me your song, !
Point. It is sung to the moon
By a love-lorn loon,
Who fled from the mocking throng, !
It's the song of a merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
Elsie. I have a song to sing, !
THE MERRY MAN AND HIS MAID. 273
Point. Sing me 3 r our song, !
Elsie. It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, !
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud
Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merrymau, moping mum,
Whose soul was sore, whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, etc.
Point. I have a song to sing, !
Elsie. Sing me 3 T our song, !
Point. It is sung to the knell
Of a churchyard bell,
And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O !
It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born,
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn
At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud,
Who loved that lord, and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merryrnan, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Both. Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup, etc.
Elsie. I have a song to sing, !
Point. Sing me your song, !
Elsie. It is sung with a sigh
And a tear in the eye,
For it tells of a righted wrong, !
It's a song of a merrymaid, once so gay,
Who turned on her heel and tripped away
From the peacock popinjay, bravely born,
Who turned up his noble nose with scorn
At the humble heart that he did not prize :
So she begged on her knees, with downcast eyes,
For the love of the merry man, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Both. Heighdy ! heighdy !
Misery me, lackada} r dee !
His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more,
For he lived in the love of a ladye !
1st Git. Well sung and well danced !
2nd Cit. A kiss for that, pretty maid !
ii r. T
274 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
All. Ay, a kiss all round.
Elsie (drawing dagger). Best beware ! I am armed !
Point. Back, sirs back ! This is going too far.
2nd Cit. Thou dost not see the humour of it, eh ? Yet there
is humour in all things even in this. (Trying to kiss her.)
Elsie. Help! help!
Enter LIEUTENANT, with guard. Crowd falls lack.
Lieut. What is this pother ?
Elsie. Sir, I sang to these folk, and they would have repaid
me with gross courtesy, but for your honour's coming.
Lieut, (to Mob). Away with ye ! Clear the rabble. (Guards
push crowd off, and go off with them.) Now, my girl, who are
you, and what do you here ?
Elsie. May it please you, sir, we are two strolling players,
Jack Point and I, Elsie Maynard, at your worship's service.
We go from fair to fair, singing, and dancing, and playing brief
interludes ; and so we make a poor living.
Lieut. You two, eh ? Are ye man and wife ?
Point. No, sir; for though I'm a fool, there is a limit to
my folly. Her mother, old Bridget Maynard, travels with us
(for Elsie is a good girl), but the old woman is a-bed with
fever, and we have come here to pick up some silver, to buy an
electuary for her.
Lieut. Hark ye, my girl ! Your mother is ill ?
Elsie. Sorely ill, sir.
Lieut. And needs good food, and many things that thou
canst not buy?
Elsie. Alas ! sir, it is too true.
Lieut. Wouldst thou earn a hundred crowns ?
Elsie. An hundred crowns ! They might save her life !
Lieut. Then listen! A worthy, but unhappy gentleman
is to be beheaded in an hour on this very spot. For sufficient
reasons, he desires to marry before he dies, and he hath asked
me to find him a wife. Wilt thou be that wife ?
Elsie. The wife of a man I have never seen !
Point. Why, sir, look you, I am concerned in this ; for though
I am not yet wedded to Elsie Maynard, time works wonders,
and there's no knowing what may be in store for us. Have
we your worship's word for it that this gentleman will die
to-day ?
Lieut. Nothing is more certain, I grieve to say.
Point. And that the maiden will be allowed to depart the
very instant the ceremony is at an end.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 275
Lieu*. The very instant. I pledge my honour that it shall
be so.
Point. An hundred crowns ?
Lieut. An hundred crowns !
Point. For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak.
TJUO. ELSIE, POINT, LIEUT.
Lieut. How say you, maiden, will you wed
A man about to lose his head ?
For half an hour
You'll be a wife,
And then the dower
Is yours for life.
A headless bridegroom why refuse ?
If truth the poets tell,
Most bridegrooms, ere they marry, lose
Both head and heart as well !
Elsie. A strange proposal you reveal,
It almost makes my senses reel.
Alas ! I'm very poor indeed,
And such a sum I sorely need.
My mother, sir, is like to die,
This money life may bring,
Bear this in mind, I pray, if I
Consent to do this thing !
Point. Though as a general rule of life
I don't allow my promised wife,
My lovely bride that is to be,
To marry any one but me,
Yet if the fee is promptly paid,
And he, in well-earned grave,
Within the hour is duly laid, ,
Objection I will waive !
Yes, objection I will waive !
All. Temptation, oh temptation,
Were we, I pray, intended
To shun, whate'er our station,
Your fascinations splendid ;
Or fall, whene'er we view you,
Head over heels into you !
Temptation, oh temptation, etc.
[During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED
(ivho has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE'S ey<*
with a kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour
Tower.
Lieut. And so, good fellow, you are a jester ?
Point. Ay, sir, and, like some of my jests, out of place.
Lieut. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are
your qualifications for such a post.
275 THE YEOMEN OF TPIE GUARD ; OR,
Point. Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you
extempore ; I can convulse you with quip and conundrum ; I
have the lighter philosophies at my tongue's tip ; I can be
merry, wise, quaint, grim, and sardonic, one by one, or all at
once ; I have a pretty turn for anecdote ; I know all the jests
ancient and modern past, present, and to come ; I can riddle
you from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content you
not, well on to midnight and the small hours. 'Oh, sir, a pretty
wit, I warrant you a pretty, pretty wit !
KECIT AND SONG. POINT.
I've jest and joke
And quip and crank.
For lowly folk
And men of rank.
I ply my craft
And know no fear,
I aim my shaft
At prince or peer.
At peer or prince at prince or peer,
I aim my shaft and know no fear !
I've wisdom from the East and from the West,
That's subject to no academic rule ;
You may find in it the jeering of a jest,
Or distil it from the folly of a fool.
I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind ;
I can trick you into learning with a laugh ;
Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find
A grain or two of truth among the chaff !
I can set a braggart quailing with a quip,
The upstart I can wither with a whim ;
He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip,
But his laughter has an echo that is grim !
When they're offered to the world in merry guise,
Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will
For he who'd make his fellow-creatures wise
Should always gild the philosophic pill !
Lieut. And how came you to leave your last employ '?
Point. Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the
Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of
my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family circle. In truth I
ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir Wherein lay the difference
between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was
pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that
whereas His Grace was paid ten thousand pounds a year for
being good, poor Jack Point was good for nothing. 'Twas
but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped
me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 277
parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified
clergy.
Lieut. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence.
I have daughters.
Point. Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and anything
objectionable is expunged. If your honour pleases, I will try
them first on you honour's chaplain.
Lieut. Can you give me an example ? Say that I had sat me
down hurrriedly on something sharp ?
Point. Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur
of the moment.
Lieut. Humph. I don't think much of that. Is that the
best you can do ?
Point. It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try
again.
Lieut. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is
but half cooked.
Point. Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone
cannot be helped.
Lieut. I see. I think that manner of thing would be some-
what irritating.
Point. At first, sir, perhaps ; but use is everything, and you
would come in time to like it.
Lieut. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen,
wench under my very nose.
Point. Under her very nose, good sir not under yours !
That is where 1 would kiss her. Do you take me ? Oh, sir,
a pretty wit a pretty, pretty wit !
Lieut. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will
discuss this matter at length in my library.
Point. I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trust
I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more serious topic,
can you tell me, sir, why a cook's brain-pan is like an over-
wound clock ?
Lieut. A truce to this fooling follow me.
Point. Just my luck ; my best conundrum wasted !
[Exeunt.
Enter ELSIE from Tower, fulloiued by WILFRED, who removes
the bandage from her eyes.
RECITATIVE AND BALLAD. ELSIE.
Tis done ! I am a bride ! Ob, little ring,
That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness
That lovers hope for, and that poets sing,
What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness ?
278 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise,
To-day he dies ! To-day, alas, he dies !
Though tear and long-drawn sigh
111 fit a bride,
No sadder wife than I
The whole world wide !
Ah me ! Ah rue !
Yet maids there be
Who would consent to lose
The very rose of youth,
The flower of life,
To be, in honest truth,
A wedded wife,
No matter whose !
Ere half an hour has rung,
A widow I !
Ah, Heaven, he is too young,
Too brave to die !
Ah me ! Ah me !
Yet wives there be
So weary worn, I trow,
That they would scarce complain,
So that they could
In half an hour attain
To widowhood, ,
No matter how !
[Exit ELSIE as WILFRED comes doicn.
Wil. (looking after ELSIE). 'Tis an odd freak, for a dying
man and his confessor to be closeted alone with a strange singing
girl. I would fain have espied them, but they stopped up the
keyhole. My keyhole !
Enter PHCEBE with MERYLL, who carries a bundle. MERYLL
remains in the background, unobserved by WILFRED.
Phce. (aside). Wilfred and alone! Now to get the keys
from him. (Aloud.) Wilfred has no reprieve arrived ?
Wil. None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die.
Phce. Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for the
poor condemned gentlemen.
Wil. I know that he who is about to die is more to thee than
I, who am alive and well.
Phce. Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do they
not say that a live ass is better than a dead lion ! No, I don't
mean that !
Wil They say that, do they ?
Phce. It's nnpardonably rude of them, but I believe they put
it in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who art clever
beyond all telling !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 279
Wil. Oh yes ; as an assistant tormentor,
Phce. As a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophic com-
mentator on the vanity of human resolution.
[PHCEBE slyly takes bunch of keys from WILFRED'S waist-
band, and hands them to MERYLL, who enters the
Toiver, unnoticed l)y WILFRED.
Wil. Truly, I have seen great resolution give way under my
persuasive methods. ( Working a small thumbscrew.) In the
nice regulation of a screw in the hundredth part of a single
revolution lieth all the difference between stony reticence and
a torrent of impulsive unbosoming that the pen can scarcely
follow. Ha ! ha ! I am a mad wag.
Phce. (with a grimace). Thou art a most light-hearted and
delightful companion, Master Wilfred. Thine anecdotes of the
torture-chamber are the prettiest hearing.
\\ r il. I'm a pleasant fellow an I choose. I believe I am
the merriest dog that barks. Ah, we might be passing happy
together
Phce. Perhaps. I do not know.
Wil. For thou wouldst make a most tender and loving wife.
Phce. Ay, to one whom I really loved. For there is a
wealth of love within this little heart, saving up for I wonder
whom ? Now, of all the world of men, I wonder whom ? To
think that he whom I am to wed is now alive and somewhere !
Perhaps far away, perhaps close at hand ! And I know
him not ! It seemeth that I am wasting time in not knowing
him.
Wil. Now, say that it is I nay ! suppose it for the nonce.
Say that we are wed suppose it only say that thou art my
very bride, and I thy cheery, joyous, bright, frolicsome husband
and that the day's work being done, and the prisoners stored
away for the night, thou and 1 are alone together with a long,
long evening before us !
Phce. (ivith a grimace). It is a pretty picture but I scarcely
know. It cometh so unexpectedly and yet and yet were I
thy bride
Wil. Ay ! wert thou my bride !
Phce. Oh, how I would love thee !
BALLAD. PHOEBE.
Were I thy bride,
Then the whole world beside
Were not too wide
To hold my wealth of love
Were I thv bride !
280 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR,
Upon thy breast
My loving head would rest,
As on her nest
The tender turtle-dove
Were I thy bride !
This heart of mine
Would be one heart with thine,
And in that shrine
Our happiness would dwell
Were I thy bride !
And all day long
Our lives should be a song :
No grief, no wrong
Should make my heart rebel
Were I thy bride !
The silvery flute.
The melancholy lute,
Were night owl's hoot
To my love-whispered coo
Were I thy bride !
The skj-lark's trill
Were but discordance shrill
To the soft thrill
Of wooing as I'd woo
Were I thy bride !
MERYLL re-enters ; gives keys to PHCEBE, who replaces them at
WILFRED'S girdle, unnoticed by him.
The rose's sigh
Were as a carrion's cry
To lullaby
Such as I'd sing to thee,
Were I thy bride !
A feather's press
Were leaden heaviness
To my caress.
But then, of course, you see
I'm not thy bride !
[Exit PHCEBE.
Wil. No, thou'rt not not yet ! But, Lord, how she woo'd !
I should be no mean judge of wooing, seeing that I have been
more hotly woo'd than most men. I have been woo'd by maid,
widow, and wife. I have been woo'd boldly, timidly, tearfully,
shyly by direct assault, by suggestion, by implication, by
inference, and by innuendo. But this wooing is not of the
common order : it is the wooing of one who must needs woo me,
if she die for it ! [Exit WILFRED.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 281
Enter MERYLL, cautiously , from Tower.
Mer. (looking after them). The deed is, so far, safely accom-
plished. The slyboots, how she wheedled him ! What a help-
less ninny is a love-sick man ! He is but as a lute in a woman's
hands she plays upon him whatever tune she will. But the
Colonel comes. I' faith he's just in time, for the Yeomen parade
here for his execution in two minutes.
Enter FAIRFAX, without beard and moustache, and dressed in
Yeomen's uniform.
Fair. My good and kind friend, thoti runnest a grave risk
for me !
Mer. Tut, sir, no risk. I'll warrant none here will recognize
you. You make a brave yeoman, sir ! So this ruff is too
high ; so and the sword should hang thus. Here is your
halbert, sir, carry it thus. The yeomen come. Now, remember,
you are my brave son, Leonard Meryll.
Fair. If I may not bear mine own name, there is none other
I would bear so readily.
Mer. Now, sir, put a bold face on it ; for they come.
Enter Yeomen of the Guard.
RECITATIVE. SERGEANT MERYLL.
Ye Tower Yeomen, nursed in war's alarms,
Suckled on gunpowder, and weaned on glory,
Behold my son, whose all-subduing arms
Have formed the theme of many a song and story.
Forgive his aged father's pride ; nor jeer
His aged father's sympathetic tear !
[Pretending to lucep.
CHORUS.
Leonard Meryll !
Leonard Meryll !
Dauntless he in time of peril !
Man of power,
Knighthood's flower,
Welcome to the grim old Tower !
To the Tower, welcome thou !
RECITATIVE. FAIRFAX.
Forbear, my friends, and spare me this ovation,
I have small claim to such consideration :
The tales that of my prowess have been stated
Are all prodigiously exaggerated !
CHORUS.
'Tis ever thus !
Wherever valour true is found,
True modesty will there abound.
282
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
1st Yeoman.
Chorus.
2nd Yeoman.
Chorus.
Fa Ir.
'Tis ever thus ;
Wherever valour true is found,
True modesty will there abound.
COUPLETS.
Didst thou not, oh, Leonard Meryll !
Standard lost in last campaign,
Rescue it at deadly peril
Bear it bravely back again ?
Leonard Meryll, at his peril,
Bore it bravelj" back again !
Didst thou not, when prisoner taken,
And debarred from all escape,
Face, with gallant heart unshaken,
Death in most appalling shape ?
Leonard Meryll faced his peril,
Death in most appalling shape !
Truly I was to be pitied,
Having but an hour to live,
I reluctantly submitted,
I had no alternative !
Oh ! the facts that have been stated
Of my deeds of derring-do,
Have been much exaggerated,
Very much exaggerated,
Monstrously exaggerated !
Scarce a word of them is true !
Enter PHCEBE. She rushes to FAIRFAX and embraces him.
KECITATIVE.
Phce. Leonard !
Fair, (puzzled). I beg your pardon?
Phce. Don't you know me ?
I'm little Phcebe !
Fair, (still puzzled). Phoebe? Is this Phcebe ?
My little Phcebe ? (Aside.) Who the deuce may site be ?
It can't be Phcebe, surelv ?
Wil. Yes, 'tis Phoebe-
Tin' sister Phcebe !
All. Ay, he sptaks the truth ;
Tis Phoebe !
Fair, (pretending to recognize her). Sister Phcebe !
Phce. Oh, my brother ! (Embrace.)
Fair. Why, how you've grown ! I did not recognize you !
Phce. So many years ! Oh, brother ! (Embrace.)
Fair. Oh, my sister !
Wil. Ay, hug him, girl ! There are three thou mayst hug
Thy father and thy brother and myself !
Fair. Thyself, forsooth ? And who art thou thyself ?
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID 283
Wit. Good sir, we arc betrothed. (FAIRFAX turns inquiringly to
PHCEBE.)
Phoc. Or more or less
But rather less than more !
TV/7. To thy fond care
I do commend thy sister. Be to her
An ever-watchful guardian eagle-eyed !
And when she feels (as sometimes she does feel)
Disposed to indiscriminate caress,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from her !
All. Yes, yes,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from her !
Ph(K. (in FAIRFAX'S arms). Yes, yes,
Be thou at hand to take those favours from me !
Tuio. WILFRED, FAIRFAX, AND PIICEBE.
Wil. To thy fraternal care
Thy sister I commend ;
From every lurking snare
Thy lovely charge defend :
And to achieve this end,
Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon-
She shall not quit thy sight :
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock to two
From two to eventide
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
She shall not quit thy side !
All. Oh ! grant, I pray, this boon, etc.
r/toc. So amiable I've grown,
So innocent as well,
That if I'm left alone
The consequences fell :
No mortal can foretell.
So grant, I pray, this boon
I shall not quit thy sight :
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock till two
From two till day is done
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
All kinds of risk I run !
All. So grant, I pray, this boon, etc.
Fair. With brotherly readiness,
For my fair sister's sake,
At once I answer " Yes "
That task I undertake
My word I never break
I freely grant that boon,
And I'll repeat my plight.
284 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
From morn to afternoon
From afternoon to night
From seven o'clock to two
From two to evening meal
Kiss.
Kiss.
Kiss.
K>ss.
From dim twilight to 'leven at night
That compact I will seal. [A'>'ss.
All. He freely grants that boon, etc.
[The Bell of St. Peter's begins to tolL Tlie crowd enters ;
the block is brought on to the stage, and the Heads-
man takes Ms place. The Yeomen of the Guard
form up, FAIRFAX and two others entering the
White Tower, to briny the prisoner to execution.
The LIEUTENANT enters and takes his place, and
tells off FAIRFAX and two others to bring the prisoner
to execution.
CHORUS (to tolling accompaniment).
The prisoner comes to meet his doom ;
The block, the headsman, and the tomb.
The funeral bell begins to toll
May Heaven have mercy on his soul !
SOLO. ELSIE, with Chorus.
Oh, Mercy, thou whose smile has shone
So many a captive on ;
Of all immured within these walls,
The very worthiest falls !
Enter FAIRFAX and two other Yeomen //'oi Tower in great
excitement.
My lord ! my lord ! I know not how to tell
The news I bear !
I and my comrades sought the prisoner's cell
He is not there !
All. He is not there !
They sought the prisoner's cell he is not there !
TRIO. FAIRFAX AND Two YEOMEN.
As escort for the prisoner
We sought his cell, in duty bound ;
The double gratings open were,
No prisoner at all we found !
We hunted high, we hunted low,
We hunted here, we hunted there
The man we sought, as truth will show.
Had vanished into empty air !
All. Had vanished into empty air !
The man they sought with anxious care
Had vanished into empty air !
Girls. Now, by our troth, the news is fair,
The man hath vanished into air !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID.
285
All. As escort for the prisoner
They sought his cell in duty bound, etc.
Lieut. Astounding news ! The prisoner fled.
(To WILI--KED). Thy^life shall forfeit be instead !
[WILFRED is arrested.
Wilfred. My lord, I did not set him free,
I hate the man my rival he !
[WILFRED is taken away.
Meryll. The prisoner gone I'm all agape !
Who could have helped him to escape ?
Phccbc. Indeed I can't imagine who !
I've no idea at all have yon ?
Dame, Of his escape no traces lurk
Enchantment must have been at work !
Elsie (aside to POINT). What have I done ! Oh, woe is me !
I am his wife, and he is free !
Point. Oh, woe is you i Your anguish sink !
Oh, woe is me, I rather think !
Oh, woe is me, I rather think !
Yes, woe is me, I rather think !
Whate'er betide
You are his bride,
And I am left
Alone bereft !
Yes, woe is me, I rather think
Yes, woe is me, I rather think !
de-
mi sbegot-
LlEUTENANT.
All frenzied with
spair 1 rave,
The grave is cheated
of its due.
Who is the
ten knave
Who hath contrived
this deed to do ?
Let search be made
throughout the
land,
Or my vindictive
anger dread
A thousand marks to
him I hand
Who brings him
ENSEMBLE.
ELSIE.
All frenzied with de-
spair I rave,
My anguish rends
my heart in two.
Unloved, to him my
hand I gave ;
To him, unloved,
bound to be true !
Unloved, unknown,
unseen the brand
Of infamy upon his
head :
A bride that's husband-
less, I stand
To all mankind for
ever dead !
POINT.
All frenzied with de-
spair I rave,
My anguish rends
my heart in two.
Your hand to him you
freely gave ;
It's woe to me, not
woe to you !
My laugh is dead, my
heart unmanned,
A jester with a soul
of lead !
A lover loverless I
stand,
To womankind for
ever dead !
here, alive or dead.
[The others sing the LIEUTENANT'S verse, ivith altered
pronouns. At the end, ELSIE faints in FAIRFAX'S
arms; all the Yeomen and populace rush off the
stage in different directions, to hunt for the fugitive,
leaving only the Headsman on the stage, and ELSIE
insensible in FAIRFAX'S arms.
286
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD;
ACT II.
SCENE. Tower Green by Moonlight. Two days have elapsed.
Women and Yeomen of the Guard discovered.
CHORUS OF WOMEN.
Night has spread her pall once more,
And the prisoner still is free :
Open is his dungeon door,
Useless now his dungeon key !
He has shaken off his yoke
How, no mortal man can tell !
Shame on loutish jailor-folk
Shame on sleepy sentinel !
All. He has shaken off his yoke, etc.
SOLO. DAME CARRUTHERS.
Warders are ye ?
Whom do ye ward ?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of ye all, he is free he is free !
Whom do ye ward '! Pretty warders are ye !
CHORUS OF YEOMEN.
Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about ;
Every chamber, every house,
Every chink that holds a mouse,
Every crevice in the keep,
AVhere a beetle black could creep,
Every outlet, every drain,
Have we searched, but all in vain !
YEOMEN.
Warders are we :
Whom do we ward ?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain.
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of us all, he is free ! he is
free !
Whom do we ward ? Pretty
warders are we !
WOMEN.
Warders, are ye ?
Whom do ye ward ?
Bolt, bar and key ;
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon of stone,
All are in vain.
Prisoner's flown !
Spite of ye all, he is free ! he is
free !
Whom do ye ward ? Pretty
warders are ye
[Exeunt all.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 23;
Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge volume.
Point (reads). " The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose. No.
7863. The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne
poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed councillor.
4 Marry, fool,' quoth the councillor, ' whither away ? ' 'In
truth,' said the poor wag, ' in that I have eaten naught these
two dayes, I do wither away, and that right rapidly!' The
councillor laughed hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph !
The councillor was easier to please than my new master, the
Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that councillor.
Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor heartbroken-
jilted Jack Point must needs turn to Hugh Ambrose for original
light humour !
Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits.
Wil. (sighing). Ah, Master Point !
Point (changing his manner). Ha ! friend jailor ! Jailor
that wast jailor that never shalt be more ! Jailor that jailed
not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so unjailorly that 'twas but
jerry-jailing, or jailing in joke though no joke to him who,
by unjailorlike jailing, did so jeopardize his jailorship. Come,
take heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor that
tormentest none thou racker that rackest not thou pincher
out of place come, take heart, and be merry, as I am !
(aside, dolefully) as I am !
Wil. Ay, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good
post, and hast cause to be merry.
Point (bitterly). Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not
the world a big butt of humour, into which all who will may
drive a gimlet ? See, I am a salaried wit ; and is there aught
in nature more ridiculous? A poor dull, heart-broken man,
who must needs be merry, or he will be whipped ; who must
rejoice, lest he starve ; who must jest you, jibe you, quip you,
crank you, wrack you, riddle you, from hour to hour, from day
to day, from year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve, pine,
and die ! Why, when there's naught else to laugh at, I laugh
at myself till I ache for it !
Wil. Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would
suit me to a hair.
Point. Thee ? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross-
bones ?
Wil. Ay, I have a pretty wit a light, airy, joy some wit,
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture chamber.
Oh, a very delicate wit ! I have tried it on many a prisoner,
288 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
and there have been some who smiled. Now it is not easy
to make a prisoner smile. And it should not be difficult to
be a good jester, seeing that thou art one.
Point. Difficult ? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend,
and I will prove it to thee !
SONG. POINT
Oh ! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumour ;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humour !
He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse ;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules that all family fools
Must observe, if they love their profession.
There are one or two rules,
Half a dozen, may be,
That all family fools,
Of whatever degree,
Must observe, if they love their profession.
If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need
To consider each person's auricular :
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular) ;
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle ;
While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,
That he's known your best joke from his cradle !
AVhen your humour they flout,
You can't let yourself go ;
And it does put you out
When a person says, "Ob,
I have known that old joke from my cradle ! "
If your master is surly, from getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him, to give you, at once, a month's warning.
Then if 3*011 refrain, he is at you again,
For he likes to get value for money.
He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,
" If you know that your paid to be funny ? "
It adds to the task
Of a merry man's place,
When your principal asks,
With a scowl on his face,
If you know that you're paid to be funny ?
Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.
Oh, beware of his anger provoking !
Better not pull his hair don't stick pins in his chair :
He don't understand practical joking.
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 289
You may get a bland smile from these sages ;
But should it, by chance, be imported from France,
Half a crown is stopped out of your wages !
It's a general rule,
Though j'our zeal it may quench,
If the family fool
Tell's a joke that's too French,
Half a crown is stopped out of his wages !
Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,
And your senses with toothache you're losing,
Don't be mopy and flat they don't fine you for thai,
If you're properly quaint and amusing !
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,
And took with her your trifle of money ;
Bless your heart, the}' don't mind they're exceedingly
kind
They don't blame you as long as you're funny !
It's a comfort to feel
If your partner should flit,
Though you suffer a deal,
They don't mind it a bit
They don't blame you so long as you're funny.
Point. And so thou wouldst be a jester, eh ? Now, listen !
My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was secretly wed to this Fairfax
half an hour ere he escaped.
Wil. She did well.
Point. She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and
perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I to her,
and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I am the saddest
and the sorriest dog in England !
Wil. Thou art a very dull dog indeed.
Point. Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river it needs
but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark night and that he
sank and was seen no more, I'll make thee the very Arch-
bishop of jesters, and that in two days' time ! Now, what
sayest thou ?
Wil. I am to lie?
Point. Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance,
which I will support with the testimony of eyes, ears, and
tongue.
Wil. And thou wilt qualify me as a jester ?
Point. As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my
original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own ingenious
paradoxes ; nay, more, I will reveal to thee the source whence
I get them. Now, what sayest thou ?
Wil. Why, if it be but a lie thou wan test of me, I hold it
cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain !
in. u
290 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR,
DUET. POINT AND WILFRED.
Both. Hereupon we're both agreed,
And all that we two
Do agree to
We'll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.
v 1 Jon Elsie (J I to call
i ou ) ( are j
With a story
Grim and gory ;
How this Fairfax died, and all
You 1 Declare to
Y u ' re 1 to swear to.
1 ni j
Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full ;
Tale tremendous,
Heaven defend us !
What a tale of cock and bull !
In return for j - l ' r f own part
"V
Undertaking,
To instruct | "^ \ in the art
(Art amazing,
Wonder raising)
Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position
High ambition !
And a lively one j , n j be,
Wag-a-wagging,
Never nagging !
Tell a tale of cock and bull, etc.
[Exeunt together.
Enter FAIRFAX.
Fair. A day and a half gone, and no news of poor Fairfax !
The dolts ! They seek him everywhere, save within a dozen
yards of his dungeon. So I am free ! Free, but for the cursed
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of matri-
mony with Heaven knows whom ! As far as I remember, she
should have been young ; but even had not her face been con-
cealed by her kerchief, I doubt whether, in my then plight,
I should have taken much note of her. Free? Bah! The
Tower bonds were but a thread of silk compared with these
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 291
conjugal fetters which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own
hands. From the one I broke readily enough how to break
the other!
SONG. FAIRFAX.
Free from his fetters grim
Free to depart ;
Free both in life and limb
In all but heart !
Bound to an unknown bride
For good and ill ;
Ah, is not one so tied
A prisoner still ?
Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour !
Although a monarch's hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he !
Enter MERYLL.
Fait'. Well, Sergeant Meryl), and how fares thy pretty
charge, Elsie Maynard ?
Mer. Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and leaves
us to-night.
Fair. Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh ?
Mer. Ay, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl to me. It
gave the old lady an excuse for taking up her quarters in my
house, and for the last two years I've shunned her like the
plague. Another day of it and she would have married me !
Good Lord, here she is again ! I'll e'en go. (Going.)
Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE, her niece.
Dame. Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of
grave import to say to thee.
Mer. (aside). It's coming.
Fair, (laughing). 1'faith, I think I'm not wanted here.
(Going.)
Dame. Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father
that his son may not hear.
Fair, (aside). True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!
Dame. 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master
Leonard.
Fair. Ay, fair as a peach blossom what then?
292 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Dame. She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.
Fair. With all my heart. She's as dainty a little maid as
you'll find in a midsummer day's march.
Dame. Then he warned in time, and give not thy heart to
her. Oh, / know what it is to give my heart to one who will
have none of it !
Her. (aside). Ay, she knows all about that. (Aloud.') And
why is my boy to take heed of her? She's a good girl, Dame
Carruthers.
Dame. Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl.
She's a married woman.
Mer. A married woman ! Tush, old lady she's promised to
Jack Point, the lieutenant's new jester.
Dame. Tush in thy teeth, old man ! As iny niece Kate sat
by her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept she
moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that way and,
" How shall I marry one I have never seen? " quoth she then,
" A hundred crowns ! " quoth she then, " Is it cervain he will
die in an hour ? " quoth she then, " I love him not and yet I
am his wife," quoth she ! Is it not so, Kate ?
Kate. Ay, mother, 'tis eyen so.
Fair. Art thou sure of all this ?
Kate. Ay, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.
Dame. Now, mark my words : it was of this Fairfax she
spake, and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle !
Mer. (aside). Is this true, sir ?
Fair. True ? Why, the girl was raving ! Why should she
marry a man who had but an hour to live?
Dame. Marry ? There be those who would marry but for a
minute, rather than die old maids.
Mer. (aside). Ay, I know one of them !
QUARTETTE. KATE, FAIRFAX, DAME CARKUTHERS, AXD MERYLL.
Strange adventure ! Maiden wedded
To a groom she's never seen
Never, never, never seen !
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green !
Tower, Tower, Tower Green !
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing
Pretty maid of seventeen !
Seven seven seventeen !
Strange adventure that we're trolling :
Modest maid and gallant groom
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 293
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom !
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom !
Modest maiden will not tarry ;
Though but sixteen years she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb-
Tower Tower Tower tomb !
[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.
Fair. So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome
Elsie ! By my hand, 'tis no such ill-plunge in Fortune's lucky
bag ! I might have fared worse with my eyes open ! But she
comes. Now to test her principles. "Tis not every husband
who has a chance of wooing his own wife !
Enter ELSIE.
Fair. Mistress Elsie !
Elsie. Master Leonard !
Fair. So thou leavest us to-night ?
Elsie. Yes, Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and
I almost fear I am loth to go.
Fair. And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped ?
Elsie. Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very fulness of
his life.
Fair. Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy
at his safety ?
Elsie. It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard,
and I am but a girl, and so, when I am highly wrought, I faint.
Fair. Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous
jealousy ?
Elsie. Thou? And of whom?
Fair. Why, of this Fairfax, surely !
Elsie. Of Colonel Fairfax !
Fair. Ay. Shall I be frank with thee ? Elsie I love thee,
ardently, passionately! (ELSIE alarmed and surprised.) Elsie,
I have loved thee these two days which is a long time and
I would fain join my life to thine !
Elsie. Master Leonard ! Thou art jesting !
Fair. Jesting ? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest ! I love
thee with a love that is a fever with a love that is a frenzy
with a love that eateth up my heart ! What sayest thou ?
Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up ?
Elsie, (aside}. Oh, mercy ! What am I to say ?
Fair. Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these
two days?
294 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Elsie. I love all brave men.
Fair. Nay, there is love in excess. I thank Heaven, there
are many brave men in England ; but if thou lovest them all, I
withdraw my thanks.
Elsie. I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen
I am not free I I am a wife !
Fair. Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are
numbered nay, his grave is dug, and his epitaph set up!
Come, his name ?
Elsie. Oh, sir ! keep my secret it is the only barrier that
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other than
Colonel Fairfax!
Fair. The greatest villain unhung ! The most ill-begotten,
ill-favoured, ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered
dog in Christendom !
Elsie. It is very like. He is naught to me for I never saw
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within the
hour ; and he did not die and I am wedded to him, and my
heart is broken !
Fair, He was to have died, and he did not die! The scoundrel !
The perjured, traitrous, villain ! Thou shouldst have insisted
on his dying first, to make sure. 'Tis the only way with these
Fairfaxes.
Elsie. I now wish 1 had !
Fair, {aside). Bloodthirsty little maiden ! {Aloud.} A fig
for this Fairfax ! Be mine he will never know he dares not
show himself ; and if he dare, what art thou to him ? Fly with
me, Elsie we will be married to-morrow, and thou shalt be the
happiest wife in England !
Elsie. Master Leonard ! I am amazed ! Is it thus that brave
soldiers speak to poor girls ? Oh ! for shame, for shame ! I am
wed not the less because I love not my husband. I am. a
wife, sir, and I have a duty, and oh, sir! thy words terrify
me they are not honest they are wicked words, and unworthy
thy great and brave heart ! Oh, shame upon thee ! shame
upon thee !
Fair. Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee.
[Shot heard.
Enter MERYLL, hastily.
Mer. (rccit.). Hark! What was that, sir?
Fair. ^ T hy, an arquebus
Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake.
Mer. Strange and at such an hour ! What can it mean?
[In the meantime, the Chorus have entered.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID.
295
CHORUS.
Now what can that have been
A shot so late at night,
Enough to cause affright !
What can the portent mean?
Are foemen in the land ?
Is London to be wrecked ?
What are we to expect?
What danger is at hand ?
Yes, let us understand
What danger is at hand !
LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED.
Lieut. Who fired that shot ? At once the truth declare !
Wil. My lord, 'twas I to rashly judge forbear !
Point. My lord, 'twas he to rashly judge forbear !
DUET AND CHORUS. WILFRED AND POINT.
Wil. Like a ghost his vigil keeping
Point. Or a spectre all-appalling
Wil. I beheld a figure creeping
Point. I should rather call it crawling
Wil. He was creeping
Point. He was crawling
Wil. He was creeping, creeping
Point. Crawling !
Wil. Not a moment's hesitation
I myself upon him flung,
With a hurried exclamation
To his draperies I hung ;
Then we closed with one another
In a rough-and-tumble smother ;
Colonel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom I clung !
All. Colonel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom he clung !
Wil. After mighty tug and tussle
Point. It resembled more a struggle
Wil. He, by dint of stronger muscle
Point. Or by some infernal juggle
Wil. From my clutches quickly sliding
Point. I should rather call it slipping
Wil. With the view, no doubt, of hiding
Point. Or escaping to the shipping
Wil. With a gasp, and with a quiver
Point. I'd describe it as a shiver
Wil. Down he dived into the river
And, alas, I cannot swim.
All. It's enough to make one shiver,
With a gasp and with a quiver ;
Down he dived into the river,
It was very brave of him !
296 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Wil. Ingenuity is catching ;
With the view my king of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry snatching
Point. I should rather call it seizing
Wil. With an ounce or two of lead
I despatched him through the head !
All. He despatched him through the head !
Wil. I discharged it without winking,
Little time he lost in thinking,
Like a stone I saw him sinking
Point. I should say a lump 'of lead.
Wil. Like a stone, my boy, I said
Point. Like a heavy lump of lead.
Wil. Anyhow the man is dead.
All. Whether stone or lump of lead,
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his king of pleasing.
Wilfred shot him through the head,
And he's very, very dead.
And it matters very little whether stone or lump of lead,
It is very, very certain that he's very, very dead !
RECITATIVE. LIEUTENANT.
The river must be dragged no time be lost ;
The body must be found, at any cost.
To this attend Avithout undue delay ;
So set to work with what despatch ye may ! [Exit.
Ail. Yes, yes,
We'll set to work with what despatch we may !
[Four men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their
shoulders.
CHORUS.
Hail the valiant fellow who
Did this deed of derring-do !
Honours wait on such an one ;
By my head, 'twas bravely done
[Exeunt all lut ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHCEBE.
Point (to ELSIE, who is weeping). Nay, sweetheart, be com-
forted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow, and, as he had
to die, he might as well die thus as any other way. 'Twas a
good death.
Elsie. Still he was niy husband, and had he not been, he was
nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead ; and so, by your
leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master Point.
Fair. And thou didst see all this ?
Point. Ay, with both eyes at once this and that. The
testimony of one eye is naught he may lie. But when it is
corroborated by the other, it is good evidence that none may
gainsay. Here are both present in court, ready to swear to him !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 297
Phoe. But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax ? Saw you
his face?
Point. Ay, and a plaguy ill-favoured face too. A very
hang-dog face a felon face a face to fright the headsman him-
self, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguy bad face, take
my word fur 't. (PHCEBE and FAIRFAX laugh). How they
laugh ! Tis ever thus with simple folk an accepted wit has
but to say, " Pass the mustard," and they roar their ribs out!
Fair, (aside). If ever I come to life again thou shalt pay for
this, Master Point !
Point. Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold
me : I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit. I
can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, riddle
you
Fair. Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to
be done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries ; with
quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an art in itself,
and must be studied gravely and conscientiously.
TRIO. FAIRFAX, ELSIE, AND PIICEBE.
Fair. A man who would woo a fair maid,
Should 'prentice himself to the trade ;
And study all day,
In a methodical way,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
He should 'prentice himself at fourteen,
And practice from morning to e'en ;
And when he's of age,
If he will, I'll engage,
He may capture the heart of a queen !
All. It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will :
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his -Till !
Elsie. If he's made the best use of his time,
His twig he'll so carefully lime,
That every bird
Will come down at his word,
AVhatever its plumage and clime.
He must learn that the thrill of a touch
Maj- mean little, or nothing, or much ;
It's an instrument rare,
To be handled with care,
And ought to be treated as such.
All. It is purely a matter of skill, etc.
PJiK. Then a glance may be timid or free,
It will vary in mighty degree,
298 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
From an impudent stare
To a look of despair
That no maid without pity can see.
And a glance of despair is no guide
It may have its ridiculous side ;
It may draw you a tear
Or a box on the ear ;
You can never be sure till you've tried !
All. It is purely a matter of skill, etc.
Fair, (aside to POINT). Now, listen to me 'tis done thus.
(Aloud.} Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou knowest,
loves thee right well !
Point (aside). That he does right well !
Fair. He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving,
honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to thee, and
if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie curled up in his heart,
like a little squirrel in its nest !
Point (aside). Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies
closer, but a squirrel will do.
Fair. He knoweth that thou wast a wife an unloved and
unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to breaking. But
now that thine unloving husband is dead, and thou art free, he
would fain pray that thou wouldst hearken unto him, and give
him hope that thou wouldst be his!
Phce. (alarmed). He presses her hands and he whispers in
her ear ! Odds boddikins, what does it mean ?
Fair. Now, sweetheart, tell me wilt thou be this poor good
fellow's wife ?
Elsie. If the good, brave man is he a brave man ?
Fair. So men say.
Point (aside). That's not true, but let it pass this once.
Elsie. If this brave man will be content with a poor penniless
untaught maid
Point (aside). Widow but let that pass.
Elsie. I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my
heart of hearts !
Fair. My own dear love ! (Embracing her.)
Phce. (in great agitation). Why, what's all this ? Brother
brother it is not seemly !
Point (also alarmed). (Aside.) Oh, I can't let that pass!
(Aloud). Hold, enough, master Leonard ! An advocate should
have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying thyself!
Fair. Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would
show thee how to woo, and herein is the proof of the virtue of
my teaching. Go thou, and apply it elsewhere ! (PHCEBE bursts
into tears.)
THE MERRY At AN AND HIS MAID. 299
QUAUTETTK. ELSIE 1 , FAIRFAX, PlItKUl-:, AND POINT.
Elsie and Fair. When a wooer
Goes a-wooing,
Naught is truer
Than his joy.
Maiden hushing
All his suing
Boldly blushing
Bravely coy !
All. Oh, the happy days of doing !
Oh, the sighing and the suing !
When a wooer goes a-wooing,
Oh, the sweets that never cloy !
Phcf. (u-eepiiif/) When a brother
Leaves his sister
For another,
Sister weeps.
Tears that trickle,
Tears that blister
'Tis but mickle
Sister reaps !
All. Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a brother goes a-wooing,
And a sobbing sister weeps !
Point . When a jester
Is out-witted,
Feelings fester,
Heart is lead !
Food for fishes
Only fitted,
Jester wishes
He was dead !
All. Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead !
[Exeunt all but PH<EBE, who remains weepiny.
Phce. And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his
secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving sister, and
done everything I could think of to make folk believe I teas his
loving sister, and this is his gratitude ! Before I pretend to he
sister to anybody again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to every-
body one as much as another !
Enter WILFRED.
Wil. In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for
now ?
300 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD ; OR,
Plue. Why am I grizzling ? Thou Last often wept for jealousy
well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Ay, yellow, bilious,
jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that, Master Wilfred.
W-il. But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The
Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest gossips !
Phce. Jealous of thee ! Bah ! I'm jealous of no craven cock-
on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared ! I am
jealous of another and a better man than thou set that down,
Master Wilfred. And he is to marry Elsie Maynard, the little
pale fool set that down, Master Wilfred ; and my heart is well
nigh broken ! There, thou hast it all ! Make the most of it !
Wil. The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why,
that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll !
Phce. (aside). Oh, mercy ! what have I said?
Wil. Why, what manner of brother is this, thou lying little
jade ? Speak ! Who is this man whom thou hast called brother,
and fondled, and coddled, and kissed with my connivance
too! Oh! Lord, with my connivance! Ha! should it be this
Fairfax ! (PIKEBE starts.) It is ! It is this accursed Fairfax !
It's Fairfax ! Fairfax, who
Phoe. Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who
lies at the bottom of the river !
Wil. A I I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible
mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure I'll make sure.
(Going.)
Phoe. Stay one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax mind,
I say I think because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But
whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry Elsie and
and as thou hast shot him through the head, and he is dead,
be content with that, and I will be thy wife !
Wil. Is that sure ?
Phce. Ay, sure enough, for there's no help for it ! Thou art
a very brute but even brutes must marry, I suppose.
Wil. My beloved ! (Embraces her.)
PJw. (asiae). Ugh!
Enter LEONARD, hastily.
Leon. Phcebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel Fair-
fax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it was foully and
maliciously kept back by Secretary Polt whistle, who designed
that it should arrive after the Colonel's death. It hath just
come to hand, and it is now in the Lieutenant's possession !
Phce. Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my
dear ! Kiss me, again, and again !
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 301
Wil. {dancing with fury}. Ocls bobs, death o' my life! Art
thou inad V Am I mad ? Are we all mad ?
Phoe. Oh, my dear my dear, I'm well-nigh crazed with joy
{Kissing LEONARD.)
Wil. Come away from him, thou hussy thou jade thou
kissing, clinging, cockatrice ! And as for thee, sir, I'll rip thee
like a herring for this ! I'll skin thee for it ! I'll cleave thee
to the chine ! I'll Oh ! Phoebe ! Phoebe ! Phabe !
Who is this man ?
Plice. Peace, fool. He is my brother !
Wil. Another brother ! Are there any more of them ? Pro-
duce them all at once, and let me know the worst !
Phoe. This is the real Leonard, dolt ; the other was but his
substitute. The real Leonard, I say my father's own sou.
Wil. How do I know this ? Has he " brother" writ large on
his brow ? I mistrust thy brothers ! Thou art but a false
jade ! \_Exit LEONARD.
Phoe. Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee before
but it was to save a precious life and to save it, not for me,
but for another. They are to be wed this very day. Is not
this enough for thee ? Come I am thy Phoebe thy very own
and we will be wed in a year or two or three, at the most.
Is not that enough for thee ?
Enter MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME CARRUTHERS
{who listens unobserved).
Mer. Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news ?
Plio?.. {still in WILFRED'S arms}. Ay, father.
Mer. I'm nigh mad with joy ! {Seeing WILFRED.) Why,
what's all this?
Phoz. Oh, father, he discovered our secret through my folly,
and the price of his silence is
Wil. Phoebe's heart.
Phoe. Oh dear, no Phoebe's hand.
Wtl. It's the same thing !
Phoe. Is it ! [Exeunt WILFRED and PHCEBE.
Mer. (looking after them). 'Tis pity, but the Colonel had to
be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our secret, thy
folly must e'en suffer for it ! (DAME CARRUTHERS comes down.)
Dame Carruthers !
Dame. So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I have
detected it. A word from rne, and three heads besides his
would roll from their shoulders !
Mer. Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved. {Aside.) Yet if my
complicity in his escape were known ! Plague on the old
302
THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OK,
meddler ! There's nothing for it ! {Aloud.) Hush, pretty
one ! Such bloodthirsty words ill become those cherry lips !
(Aside.) Ugh!
Dame (bashfully). Sergeant Meryll !
Mer. Why, look ye, chuck for many a month I've I've
thought to myself "There's snug love saving up in that
middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for thee that's
me so take heart and tell her that's thee that thou that's
me lovest her thee and and well, I'm a miserable old
man, and I've done it and that's me ! " But not a word about
Fairfax ! The price of thy silence is
Dame. Meryll's heart ?
Mer. No, Meryll's hand.
Dame. It's the same thing !
Mer. Is it !
DUET. MERYLL AND DAME CARBUTHERS.
Dame. Rapture, rapture!
When love's votary,
Flushed with capture,
Seeks the notary,
Joy and jollity
Then is polity ;
Reigns frivolity !
Rapture, rapture !
Her. Doleful, doleful !
When humanity,
With its soul full
Of satanity,
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivitv !
Doleful, doleful !
Dame. Joyful, joyful !
When virginity
Seeks, all coyful,
Man's affinity ;
Fate all flower} 7 ,
Bright and bowery
Is her dowery !
Joyful, joyful !
Her. Ghastly, ghastly !
When man, sorrowful,
Firstly, lastly,
Of to-morrow full,
After tarrying,
Yields to harrying
Goes a-marrying.
Ghastly, ghastly !
FINALE.
THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID. 303
Enter Yeomen, Women, and ELSIE as Bride.
CHORUS OF WOMEN.
(ELEGIACS.)
Comes the pretty young bride, a-blushing, timidly shrinking
Set all thy fears aside cheerily, pretty young bride !
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot thou art willingly linking !
Flower of valour is he loving as loving can be !
l>rightlj r thy summer is shining,
Fair is the dawn of the day ;
Take him, be true to him
Tender his due to him
Honour him, love and obey !
TRIO. PH<EBE, ELSIE, AND DAME CARUUTHEKS.
'Tis said that joy in full perfection
Comes only once to womankind
That, other times, on close inspection,
Some lurking bitter we shall find.
If this be so, and men say truly,
My day of joy has broken duly.
With happiness my soul is cloyed
This is my joy-day unalloyed !
All, Yes, yea,
This is her joy-day unalloyed !
Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT.
Lieut. Hold, pretty one ! I bring to thee
News good or ill, it is for thee to say.
Thy husband lives and he is free,
And conies to claim his bride this very day !
Elsie. No ! no ! recall those words -it cannot be !
Leonard, my Leonard, come, oh, come to me !
Leonard, my own my loved one where art thou ?
I knew not how I loved thine heart till now !
ENSEMBLE.
ELSIE AND PHCEBE. CHORUS AND OTHERS. LIEUT. AND POINT.
Oh, day of terror ! day Oh, day of terror ! day Come, dry these unbe-
of tears ! of tears ! coming tears,
What fearful tidings What words are these Most joyful tidings
greet mine ears ? that greet our ears ? greet thine ears.
Oh, Leonard, come Who is the man who, The man to whom thou
thou to my side, in his pride, art allied
And claim me as thy So boldly claims thee Appears to claim thee
loving bride. as his bride? as bis bride.
304 THE YEOMEN OF THE GUARD; OR,
Flourish. Enter COLOXEL FAIRFAX, handsomely dressed, and
attended ~by other Gentlemen.
Fair, (sternly.} All thought of Leonard Meryll set aside.
Thou art mine own ! I claim thee as my bride.
Elsie. A suppliant at thy feet I fall :
Thine heart will yield to pity's call !
Fair. Mine is a heart of massive rock,
Unmoved by sentimental shock !
AIL Thy husband he !
Elsie. Leonard, my loved one come to me.
They bear me hence away !
But though they take me far from thee,
My heart is thine for aye !
My bruised heart,
My broken heart,
Is thine, my own, for aye !
(T'j FAIUFAX.) Sir, I obey,
I am thy bride ;
But ere the fatal hour
I said the say
That placed me in thy power,
Would I had died !
Sir, I obey !
I am thy bride !
(Looks up and recognizes FAIRFAX.) Leonard !
Fair. My own !
Elsie. Ah ! (Embrace.)
Elsie and ( With happiness my soul is cloyed,
Fair. \ This is my joy-day unalloyed !
AIL Yes ! yes !
With happiness their souls are cloyed.
This is their joy-day unalloyed !
Point. Oh thoughtless crew !
Ye know not what ye do !
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two
For I have a song to sing. O !
All. Sing me your song, ! etc.
Point. It is sung to the moon
By a love-lorn loon,
Who fled from the mocking throng. O !
It's the song of a merryman moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Ail. Heighdy ! Heighdy !
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
Elsie. I have a song to sing, !
All. Sing me your song, !
THE MERRVMAN AND HIS MAID. 305
Elsie. It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, O !
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud,
Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud
At the moan of the merryman moping mum,
Whose soul was sad and whose glance was glum.
Who sipped no sup and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
All. Heighdy! Heighdy!
Misery me, lackadaydee !
He sipped no sup and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye !
[FAIRFAX embraces ELSIE as POINT falls insensible at
their feet.
in.
THE GONDOLIERS;
OK,
THE KING OF BARATARIA.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS,
First performed at the Savoy Theatre, London, under the management
. R. D'OYLY CARTE, on Saturday, December 7 th, 1889.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO. a Grandee
of Spain
Lurz, his Attendant
DON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO, the
Grand Inquisitor
MARCO PALMIERI \
GIUSEPPE PALMIERI \
ANTONIO I
FRANCESCO
GIORGIO
ANNIBALE
OTTAVIO
THE DUCHESS OF PLAZA-TORO
CASILDA, her Daughter
GlAXETTA \
Venetian
Gondoliers
TESSA
FIAMETTA \ Contadine
VlTTORIA
GlULIA
INEZ, the King's Foster-mother
Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds, and Pages
MR. FRANK WYATT.
MR. BROWN LOW.
MR. DENNY.
MR. COURTICE POUNDS.
MR. EUTLAND BARRINGTON.
MR. MEDCALF.
MR. ROSE.
MR. DE PLEDGE.
MR. WlLBRAHAM.
MR. C. GILBERT.
Miss ROSINA BRANDRAM.
Miss DECIMA MOORE.
, Miss GERALDINE ULMAR.
Miss JESSIE BOND.
Miss LAWRENCE.
Miss COLE.
Miss PHYLLIS.
Miss BERNARD.
ACT I.
THE PIAZETTA, VENICE.
ACT II.
PAVILION IN THE PALACE OF BAKATARIA.
An interval (if three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I. and II.
DATE 1750,
THE GONDOLIERS;
OR,
THE KING OF BARATARIA.
ACT I.
SCENE. THE PJAZZETTA, VENICE. The Ducal Palace on the
right.
FIAMETTA, GEULIA, VITTORIA, and other Contadine discovered,
each tying a bouquet of roses.
ClIOUL'S OF COXTADTNE.
List and learn, ye dainty roses,
Roses white and roses red,
Why we bind you into posies
Ere your morning blooin has fled.
By a law of maiden's making,
Accents of a heart that's aching,
Even though that heart be breaking,
Should by maiden be unsaid :
Though they love with love exceeding,
They must seem to be unheeding
Go ye then and do their pleading,
Roses white and roses red !
FIAMETTA.
Two there are for whom, in duty,
Every maid in Venice sighs
Two so peerless in their beauty
That they shame the summer skies.
We have hearts for them, in plenty,
We, alas, are four-and-twenty !
They have hearts, but all too i'e\v,
They, alas, are only two !
310 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR,
CHORUS.
Now ye know, ye dainty roses,
Why we bind you into posies
Ere your morning bloom has fled,
Eoses white and roses red !
[During this chorus ANTONIO, FRANCESCO, GIORGIO, and
oilier Gondoliers have entered unobserved by the
Girls at first two, then two more, then four, then
half-a-dozen, then the remainder of the Chorus.
RECIT.
Franc. Good morrow, pretty maids ; for whom prepare ye
These flora] tributes extraordinary?
Fia. For Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri,
The pink and flower of all the Gondolier!.
Gin. They're coming here, as we have heard but lately,
To choose two brides from us who sit sedately.
Ant. Do all you maidens love them ?
All. Passionately !
Ant. These gondoliers are to be envied greatly !
Gior. But what of us, who one and all adore you?
Have pity on our passion, I implore you !
Fia. These gentlemen must make their choice before you ;
Vit. In the meantime we tacitly ignore you.
Giu. . When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty
Two dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty.
Fia. and Vit, Till then enjoy your dolcefar neinte.
Ant. With pleasure, nobody contradicente !
SONG. ANTONIO AND CHORUS.
For the merriest fellows are we, tra la,
That ply on the emerald sea, tra la ;
With loving and laughing,
And qiiipping and quaffing,
We're happy as happy can be, tra la
As happy as happy can be !
With sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la,
And care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la ;
And Jealousy yellow,
Unfortunate fellow,
We drown in the shimmering blue, tra la,
We drown in the shimmering blue !
Fia. (looking off). See, see, at last they come to make their choice
Let us acclaim them with united voice.
[MARCO and GIUSEPPE appear in gondola at back.
All the Girls. Hail, gallant gondolieri, ben' venuti !
Accept our love, our homage, and our duty.
[MARCO and GIUSEPPE jump ashore. The Girls sahite
them.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 311
DUET. GIUSEPPE AND MARCO, WITH CHORUS OF GIKLS.
Giu. and Mar, Buon' giorno, signorine !
Girls. Gondolier! carissinii !
Siamo contadine !
Giu. and Mar. (bowing). Servitor! umilissimi !
Per chi quest! fiori
Questi fiori bellissimi ?
Girls. Per voi, bei' signori
O eccellentissimi !
[Tfie Girls present their bouquets to GIUSEPPE and
MARCO, who are overwhelmed with them, and carry
them with difficulty.
Giu. and Mar. (their arms full of flowers). ciel !
Girls. Buon' giorno, cavalieri !
Giu. and Mar. (deprecating I y). Siamo gondolier!.
(To FIA. and V IT.) Signorina, io t'amo !
Girls (deprecatingly). Contadine siarno.
Giu. and Mar. Signorine !
Girls (depreccttingly). "Contadine!
(Curtseying to Giu. and MAI;.) Cavalieri.
Giu. and Mar. (deprccatingly). Gondolier! !
Poveri gondolier! !
Chorus. Buon' giorno, signorine, etc.
DUET. MARCO AND GIUSEPPE.
We're called gondolieri,
But that's a vagary,
It's quite honorary
The trade that we ply.
For gallantry noted
Since we were short-coated,
To ladies devoted,
My brother and I.
When morning is breaking,
Our couches forsaking,
To greet their awaking
With carols we come.
At summer day's nooning,
When weary lagooning,
Our mandolins tuning,
We lazily thrum.
When vespers are ringing,
To hope ever clinging,
With songs of our singing
A vigil we keep.
When daylight is fading, '
Enwrapt in night's shading,
With soft serenading
We lull them to sleep.
We're called gondolier^ etc.
312 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
RECIT. MARCO AND GIUSEPPE.
And now to choose our brides !
As all are young and fair,
And amiable besides,
We really do not care
A preference to declare.
A bias to disclose
Would be indelicate
And therefore we propose
To let impartial Fate
Select for us a mate !
All. Viva!
A bias to disclose
Would be indelicate
But how do they propose
To let impartial Fate
Select for them a mate ?
Mar. These handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to bind,
Giu. And take good care that both of us are absolutely blind ;
Both. Then turn us round and we, with all convenient despatch,
Will undertake to marry any two of you we catch !
All. Viva ! *
They undertake to marry any two of us they catch !
[ The Girls prepare to Irind their eyes as directed.
Tessa, (to MARCO). Are you peeping ?
Can you see me ?
Mar. Dark I'm keeping,
Dark and dreamy ! [Slyly lifts bandage.
Vit. (to GIUSEPPE). If you're blinded
Truly say so.
Giu. All right-minded
Players play so ! [Slyly lifts bandage.
Fia. (detecting MARCO). Conduct shady !
They are cheating !
Surely they de-
Serve a beating ! [Replaces bandage.
Vit. (detecting GIUSEPPE). This too much is ;
Maidens mocking
Conduct such is
Truly shocking ! [Replaces bandage,.
All. You can spy, sir !
Shut your eye, sir !
You may use it by-and-by, sir !
You can see, sir !
Don't tell me, sir !
That will do now let it be, sir !
All the girls. My papa he keeps three horses,
Black, and white, and dapple grey, sir ;
Turn three times, then take your courses,
Catch which ever girl you may, sir !
[GIUSEPPE and MARCO turn round, as directed, and try
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 313
to catch the Girls. Business of Hind-man'' s hu/.
Eventually MARCO catches GIANETTE, and GIUSEPPE
catches TESSA. The two Girls try to escape, but in
vain. The two Men pass their hands over the Girls'
faces to discover their identity.
Giu. I've at length achieved a capture !
(Guessing.) This is Tessa ! (Removes bandage.} Rapture, rapture !
Mar. (guessing] Gianetta fate has granted ! (Removes bandage)
Just the very girl I wanted !
Giu. (politely to MAR.) If you'd rather change
Tessa. My goodness !
This indeed is simple rudeness.
Mar. (politely to Giu). I've no preference whatever-
Cm. Listen to him ! Well, I never !
[Each Man Jiisses each Girl.
Gia. Thank you, gallant gondolieri :
In a set and formal measure
It is scarcely necessary
To express our pride and pleasure.
Each of us to prove a treasure,
Conjugal and monetary,
Gladly will devote our leisure,
Gay and gallant gondolieri.
La, la, la, la, la ! etc.
Tessa. Gay and gallant gondolieri,
Take us both and hold us tightly,
You have luck extraordinary ;
We might both have been unsightly !
If we judge your conduct rightly,
'Twas a choice involuntary :
Still we thank you most politely,
Gay and gallant gondolieri !
La, la, la, la, la ! etc.
All the Girls. To these gallant gondolieri^
In a set and formal measure,
It is scarcely necessary
To express their pride and pleasure.
Each of us to prove a treasure,
Conjugal and monetary,
Gladly will devote her leisure
To the other gondolieri I
La, la, la, la, la ! etc.
AIL Fate in this has put his finger-
Let us bow to Fate's decree,
Then no longer let us linger,
To the altar hurry we !
[They dance off two and tiuo GIANETTA with MAHCO,
TESSA with GIUSEPPE].
314 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR,
Flourish. A gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from
luhich enter the DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO, the DUCHESS,
their daughter CASILDA, and their attendant Luiz, who
carries a drum. All are dressed in pompous, lut old and
^aded clothes.
/
ENTREE.
Duke. From the sunny Spanish shore,
His Grace of Plaza-Tor'
Duck. And His Grace's Duchess true
Cas. And His Grace's daughter, too
Luiz. And His Grace's private drum
To Venetia's shores have come :
All. And if ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again !
Duke. Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore,
The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor'
Duch. Nor his Grace's Duchess, staunch and true
Cas. You may add, his Grace's daughter, too
Luiz. And his Grace's own particular drum
To Venetia's shores any more will come.
All. And if ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again !
Duke. At last we have arrived at our destination. This is
the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor
resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I
regret that I am unable to pay iny state visit on a horse. As a
Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to
ride through the streets of Venice ; but owing, I presume, to an
unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that
equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our
suite ?
Luiz (coming forward). Your Grace, I am here.
Duch. Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when
you address his Grace ?
Duke. My love, it is so small a matter ! (To Luiz.) Still, you
may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.)
Cas. The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect
appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian
hidalgo.
Duke. My child, you are hard upon our suite.
Cas. Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons
in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that
position, let him be whipped until he does.
THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 315
Duke. Let us hope the omission was not intended as a
slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would
he. (To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have
had the honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand
Inquisitor might be made in becoming state ?
Luiz. Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who
stipulated for a trifle on account.
Duke. How tiresome ! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquis-
itor is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have
had the honour of escorting us ? I see no band !
Luiz. Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required
to be paid in advance.
Duch. That's so like a band !
Duke (annoyecT). Insuperable difficulties meet me at every
turn !
Duch. But surely they know his Grace ?
Luiz. Exactly they know his Grace.
Duke. Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf
gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do
not happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a
cornet-a-piston ?
Luiz. Alas, no, your Grace ! But I can imitate a farmyard.
Duke (doubtfully). I don't see how that would help us. I
don't see how we could bring it in.
Cas. It would not help us in the least. We are not a parcel
of graziers come to market, dolt !
Duke. My love, our suite's feelings ! (To Luiz.) Be so good
as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his
Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro
Duch. And suite
Duke. Have arrived at Venice, and seek
Cas. Desire
Duch. Demand !
Duke. And demand an audience.
Luiz. Your Grace has but to command. (Rising.)
Duke (much moved). I felt sure of it I felt sure of it !
(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love (aside to
DUCHESS), shall we tell her ? I think so. (Aloud to CASILDA.)
And now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is
my agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make
you the happiest young lady in Venice !
Cas. A secret ?
Duch. A secret which, for State reasons, it has been necessary
to preserve for twenty years.
Duke. When you were a prattling babe of six months old
316 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR,
you were married by proxy to no less a personage than the
infant son and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy
King of Barataria !
Cas. Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria ? It
was a most unpardonable liberty !
Duke. Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly
after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the
creed of his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of
the most bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor,
determined that the innovation should not be perpetuated in
Barataria, caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be
stolen and conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Metho-
dist Monarch and all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an
insurrection, and we are here to ascertain the whereabouts of
your husband, nnd to hail you, our daughter, as Her Majesty,
the reigning Queen of Barataria ! (Kneels.)
Duck. Your Majesty ! {Kneels.}
Duke. It is at such moments as these that one feels how
necessary it is to travel with a full band.
Cas. I, the Queen of Barataria ! But I've nothing to wear !
We are practically penniless !
Duke. That point has not escaped me. Although I am un-
happily in straightened circumstances at present, my social
influence is something enormous ; and a Company, to be called
the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to
work me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I
myself shall join the Board after allotment.
Cas. Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may
be called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in
process of liquidation ?
Duch. The speculation is not exempt from that drawback.
If your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to
wind him up.
Cas. But it's so undignified it's so degrading ! A Grandee
of Spain turned into a public company ! Such a thing was
never heard of!
Duke. My child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow
fashions he leads them. He always leads everybody. When
he was in the army he led his regiment. He occasionally led
them into action. He invariably led them out of it.
SONG. DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO.
In enterprise of martial kind,
When there was any fighting,
He led his regiment from behind
He foxmd it less exciting.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 317
But when away his regiment ran,
His place was at the fore,
That celebrated,
Cultivated,
Underrated
Nobleman,
The Duke of Plaza'-Toro !
All. In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha !
You alwavs found that knight, ha, ha !
That celebrated,
Cultivated,
Underrated
Nobleman,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro !
When, to evade Destruction's hand,
To hide they all proceeded,
No soldier in that gallant band
Hid half as well as he did.
He lay concealed throughout the war,
And so preserved his gore, !
That unaffected,
Undetected,
Well-connected
Warrior,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro !
All. In every doughty deed, ha, ha !
He always took the lead, ha, ha !
That unaffected,
Undetected,
Well-connected
Warrior,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro !
When told that they would all be shot
Unless they left the service,
That hero hesitated not,
So marvellous his nerve is.
He sent his resignation in,
The first of all his corps, !
That very knowing,
Over-flowing,
Easy-going
Paladin,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro !
All. To men of grosser clay, ha, ha !
He always showed the way, ha, ha :
That very knowing,
Over-flowing,
Easy-going
Paladin,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro !
318 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR,
[Exeunt DUKE and DUCHESS into Grand Ducal Palace.
As soon as they have disappeared, Luiz and CASILDA
rush to each others arms.
RECITATIVE AND DUETTIXO. CASILDA AND Luiz.
Oh, rapture, when alone together
Two loving hearts and those that bear them
May join in temporary tether,
Though Fate apart should rudely tear them,
Necessity, Invention's mother,
Compelled -: ,V ! to a course of feigning
But left alone with one another,
TllTshalt} ato efor {K} disdaining!
Cus. Ah, well-beloved,
Mine angry frown
Is but a gown
That serves to dress
My gentleness !
Lui-. Ah, well-beloved,
Thy cold disdain,
It gives no pain
'Tis mercy, played
In masquerade !
Both. Ah, well-beloved !
(7a. Oh, Luiz, Luiz what have you said ! What have I
done ! What have I allowed you to do !
Luiz. Nothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to
repent. (Offering to embrace her.)
Gas. (withdrawing from him}. Nay, Luiz, it may not be. I
have embraced you for the last time.
Luiz (cimazed). Casilda !
Cas. I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation, that
I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of Bara-
taria !
Luiz. The son of the King of Barataria? The child who
was stolen in infancy by the Inquisition ?
Cas. The same. But, of course, you know his stoiy.
Luiz. Know his story ? Why I have often told you that my
mother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted !
Cas. True. I had forgotten. Well, he has been discovered,
and my father has brought me here to claim his hand.
Luiz. But you will not recognize this marriage? It took
place when you were too young to understand its import.
Cas. Nay, Luiz, respect niy principles and cease to torture
me with vain entreaties. Henceforth my life is another's.
THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 319
Luiz. But stay the present and the future they are
another's ; but the past that at least is ours, and none can
take it from us. As we may revel in naught else, let us revel
in that !
Cas. I don't think I grasp your meaning.
Luiz. Yet it is logical enough. You say you cease to love
me?
Cas. (demurely). I say I may not love yon.
Luiz. But you do not say you did, not love me ?
Cas. I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to
express and that but ten brief minutes since !
Luiz. Exactly. My own that is, until ten minutes since,
my own my lately loved, my recently adored tell me that
until, say a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee !
[Embracing her.
Cas. I see your idea. It's ingenious ; but don't do that.
[Releasing herself.
Luiz. There can be no harm in revelling in the past.
Cas. None whatever ; but an embrace cannot be taken to act
retrospectively.
Luiz. Perhaps not !
Cas. We may recollect an embrace I recollect many but
we must not repeat them.
Luiz. Then let us recollect a few ! (^4 moment's pause, as
they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.}
Luiz. Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the earth !
Cas. A quarter of an hour ago ?
Luiz. About that.
Cas. And to think that, but for this miserable discovery, you
would have been my own for life !
Luiz. Through life to death a quarter of an hour ago !
Cas. How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the
golden melody of those sweet words a quarter well it's now
about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.)
Luiz. About that. In such a matter one cannot be too
precise.
Cas. Then, henceforth, our love is but a memory !
Luiz. It must be so, Casilda !
Cas. Luiz, it must be so !
DUET. CASILDA AND Luix.
Lu\~. There was a time
A time for ever gone ah, woe is me !
It was no crime
To love but thee alone ah, woe is me !
320 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
One heart, one life, one soul,
One aim one goal
Each in the other's thrall,
Each all in all, ah, woe is me !
Ensemble. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er
The days that were that never will be more !
Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn,
And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem !
Cas. Dead as the last year's leaves
As gathered flowers ah, woe is me !
Dead as the garnered sheaves,
That love of ours ah, woe is me !
Born but to fade and die
When hope was high,
Dead and as far away
As yesterday ah, woe is me !
Ensemble. Oh, bury, bury let the grave close o'er, etc.
Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the DUKE and DUCHESS, fol-
lowed ly DON ALHAMBRA BOLERO, the Grand Inquisitor.
Duke. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction
Don Alhambra Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was
His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant
husband and brought him to Venice.
Don Al. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly
called upon to assume the functions of Royalty ! And a very
nice little lady, too !
Duke. Jimp, isn't she ?
Don Al. Distinctly jimp. Allow me. (Proceeds to inspect
her she turns away scornfully.') Naughty temper !
Duke. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head
is a little turned by her access of dignity.
Don Al. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of
dignity had turned it in this direction. (Aside.) Prettily put !
Duch. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to
be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts.
Cas. A doubt as to his whereabouts ? Then I may yet be
saved !
Don Al. A doubt ? Oh dear, no no doubt at all ! He is
here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a
gondolier. I can give you his address I see him every day !
In the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no circum-
stance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any kind
whatever ! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 321
SONG. GRAND INQUISITOR.
I stole the prince, and I brought him here,
And left him, gaily prattling
With a highly respectable gondolier,
Who promised the Royal babe to rear,
And teach him the trade of a timoneer
With his own beloved bratling.
Both of the babes were strong and stout,
And, considering all things, clever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt-
No probable, possible shadow of doubt
No possible doubt whatever.
Time sped, and when at the end of a year
I sought that infant cherished,
That highly respectable gondolier
Was lying a corpse on his humble bier
I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-
That gondolier had perished.
A taste for drink, combined with gout,
Had doubled him up for ever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt
No probable, possible shadow of doubt-
No possible doubt whatever.
^
But owing, I'm much disposed to fear,
To his terrible taste for tippling,
That highly respectable gondolier
Could never declare with a mind sincere
Which of the two was his offspring dear.
And which the Royal stripling !
Which was which he could never make out,
Despite his best endeavour.
Of that there is no manner of doubt
No probable, possible shadow of doubt-
No possible doubt whatever.
The children followed his old career
(This statement can't be parried)
Of a highly respectable gondolier :
Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)
But which of the two is not quite clear
Is the Royal Prince you married !
Search in and out and round about
And you'll discover never
A tale so free from every doubt
All probable, possible shadow of doubt
All possible doubt whatever !
Cas. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of
two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which ?
Don AL Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be
reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is
in. V
322 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
the mother of the musical young man who is such a past-
master of that delicately modulated instrument. (Indicating
the drum.) She can, no doubt, establish the King's identity
beyond all question.
Luiz. Heavens, how did he know that ?
Don Al. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up
to date. (To CAS.) His mother is at present the wife of a
highly respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on
an extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Ac-
companied by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for
his mother's address. She will return with them, and if she
finds any difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive
influence of the torture-chamber will jog her memory.
EECITATIVE.
GTS. But, bless my heart, consider my position !
I am the wife of one, that's very clear ;
But who can tell, except by intuition,
Which is the Prince 3 and which the Gondolier?
Don All. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle :
Such complications frequently occur
Life is one closely complicated tangle :
Death is the only true unraveller !
QUINTETTE.
CASILDA, DUCHESS, Luiz, DUKE, INQUISITOR.
Try we life-long, we can never
Straighten out life's tangled skein,
Why should we, in vain endeavour.
Guess and guess and guess again ?
Life's a pudding full of plums,
Care's a canker that benumbs.
Wherefore waste our elocution
On impossible solution ?
Life's a pleasant institution,
Let us take it as it comes !
Set aside the dull enigma,
We shall guess it all too soon ;
Failure brings no kind of stigma
Dance we to another tune !
String the lyre and fill the cup,
Lest on sorrow we should sup.
Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,
Hands across and down the middle
Life's perhaps the only riddle
That we shrink from giving up !
[Exeunt all except GEAND INQUISITOR into Ducal Palace.
THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 323
Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by MARCO, GIANETTA,
GIUSEPPE, and TESSA.
CHORUS.
Bridegroom and bride !
Knot that's insoluble,
Voices all voluble
Hail it with pride.
Bridegroom and bride !
Hail it with merriment ;
It's an experiment
Frequently tried.
Bridegroom and bride !
Bridegrooms all joyfully,
Brides, rather coyfully,
Stand at their side.
Bridegroom and bride !
We in sincerity,
Wish you prosperity,
Bridegroom and bride !
SONG. TESSA.
When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right and nothing's wrong !
From to-day and ever after
Let our tears be tears of laughter.
Every sigh that finds a vent
Be a sigh of sweet content !
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with love is laden ;
Every flower is a rose,
Every goose becomes a swan,
Every kind of trouble goes
Where the last year's snows have gone !
Sunlight takes the place of shade
When you marry, merry maid !
When a merry maiden marries
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ;
Every sound becomes a song
All is right, and nothing's wrong.
Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow
Get 3 r e gone until to-morrow ;
Jealousies in grim array,
Ye are things of yesterday !
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with joy is laden ;
All the comers of the earth
Ring with music sweetly played,
Worry is melodious mirth,
Grief is joy in masquerade ;
324 THE GONDOLIERS; OR>
Sullen night is laughing day
All the year is merry May !
\_At the end of the song DON ALHAMBRA enters at back.
The Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him,
and gradually go off) much alarmed.
Giu. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest !
What's a bachelor? A mere nothing he's a chrysalis. He
can't be said to live he exists.
Mar. What a delightful institution marriage is! Why
have we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten
years ago?
Tess. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough.
Gia. Because you were waiting for us.
Mar. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting
for you without knowing it. (Dox ALHAMBRA comes forward.)
Hallo !
Giu. If this gentleman is an undertaker, it is a bad
omen.
Don Al. Good morning. Festivities of some sort going on.
Giu. {aside). He is an undertaker ! {Aloud.) No a little
unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line.
Don Al. Somebody's birthday, I suppose ?
Giu. "Yes, mine !
less. And mine !
Gia. And mine !
Mar. And mine !
Don Al. Curious concidence ! And how old may you be.
Tess. It's a rude question but about ten minutes.
Don Al. Surely you are jesting ?
Tess. In other words, we were married about ten minutes
since.
Don Al. Married ! You don't mean to say you are married ?
Mar. Oh yes, we are married.
Don Al. What, both of you ?
Gia. All four of us.
Don Al. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward !
Gia. You don't mind, I suppose ?
Tess. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself,
I presume ? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him he was ! He's heart-
broken !
Don Al. No, no I wasn't! I wasn't! (Aside.) What will the
Duke say ?
Giu. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't
want anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's
satisfied
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 325
Don AL You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I
don't think you know who I am.
Giu. Not we, indeed ! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of
Baptisto Palmieri, who led' the last revolution. Republicans,
heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor
oppression, we abhor kings ; as we detest vain-glory, we detest
rank; as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are
Venetian gondoliers your equals in everything except our
calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.
Don Al. Bless my heart, how unfortunate ! One of you may
be Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary ; but the
other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King
of Barataria.
All. What !
Don Al. And I trust I trust it was that one who slapped
me on the shoulder and called me his man !
Giu. One of us a king ! \
Mar. Not brothers ! I T fh
Tess. The King of Barataria ! j
Gia. Well, who'd have thought it ! J
Mar. But which is it ?
Don Al. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans,
and hold kings in abhorrence, of course you'll abdicate at once.
(Going.)
Tes. and Gia. Oh, don't do that ! (MARCO and GIUSEPPE stop
him.)
Giu. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.
When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.
Don Al. I see. It's a delicate distinction.
Giu. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king an ideal
king the creature of my fancy, you know who would be
absolutely unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would
abolish taxes and make everything cheap, except gondolas.
Mar. And give a great many free entertainments to the
gondoliers.
Giu. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and enga<_rc
* o o
all the gondolas for the occasion.
Mar. And scramble money on the Rialto among the
gondoliers.
Giu. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if I
were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.
Don Al. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not
insuperable.
Mar. and Giu. Oh, they're not insuperable.
Tess. and Gia. No, they're not insuperable,
326 THE GONDOLIERS:, OR,
Giu. Besides, we are open to conviction. Our views may
have been hastily formed on insufficient grounds. They may
be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a very poor opinion of
the politician who is not open to conviction.
Jess, (to GIA.). Oh, he's a fine fellow !
Gia. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money !
Don Al. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the country
is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary that you
should assume the reins of Government at once ; and, until it is
ascertained which of you is to be king, I have arranged that
you will reign jointly, so that no question can arise hereafter as
to the validity of any of your acts.
Mar. As one individual ?
Don Al. As one individual.
Giu. (linking himself with MARCO). Like this ?
Don Al. Something like that.
Mar. And we may take our friends with us, and give them
places about the Court ?
Don Al. Undoubtedly.
Mar. I'm convinced !
GUI. So am I !
Tess. Then the sooner we're off the better.
Gia. We'll just run home and pack up a few things. (Going.}
Don AL Stop, stop that won't do at all we can't have any
ladies. (Aside.) What will Her Majesty say !
All. What! '
Don AL Not at present. Afterwards, perhaps. We'll see.
Giu. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate
us from our wives !
Don AL (aside). This is very awkward ! (Aloud.) Only for a
time a few months. After all, what is a few months ?
Tcss. But we've only been married half an hour ! ( Weeps.}
SONG. GIANETTA.
Kind sir, you cannot have the heart
Our lives to part
From those to whom an hour ago
We were united !
Before our flowing hopes you stem,
Ah, look at them,
And pause before you deal this blow,
All uninvited !
You men can never understand,
That heart and hand
Cannot be separated when
We go a-yeaming ;
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 327
You see, you've only women's eyes
To idolize,
And only women's hearts, poor men,
To set you burning !
All me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand !
Some kind of charm you seem to find
In womankind-
Some source of unexplained delight
(Unless you're jesting),
]5iit what attracts you, I confess,
I cannot guess,
To me a woman's face is quite
Uninteresting !
If from my sister I were torn,
It could be borne
I should, no doubt, be horrified.
But I could bear it ;
But Marco's quite another thing
He is my King,
lie has my heart, and none beside
Shall ever share it !
All me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand !
FINALE.
RECITATIVE. GRAND INQUISITOK.
Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief,
Your separation will be very brief.
To ascertain which is the King
And which the other,
To Barataria's Court I'll bring
His foster-mother ;
Her former nurseling to declare
She'll be delighted.
That settled, let each happy pair
Be reunited.
Mar., Gin., Tcss., Gia. Viva! His argument is strong !
Viva ! We'll not be parted long !
Viva ! It will be settled soon !
Viva ! Then comes our honeymoon !
[Exit DON ALIIAMBIIA.
QUARTETTE. TESSA, GIANETTA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.
Gia, Then one of us will be a Queen,
And sit on a golden throne,
With a crown instead
Of a hat on her head,
And diamonds all her own !
With a beautitul robe of gold and green,
328 THE GONDOLIERS', OR,
I've always understood ;
I wonder whether
She'd wear a feather ?
I rather think she should !
All, Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen !
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen !
J/u>-. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair,
With the King on her left-hand side,
And a milkwhite horse,
As a matter of course,
Whenever she wants to ride !
With beautiful silver shoes to wear
Upon her dainty feet ;
With endless stocks
Of beautiful frocks,
And as much as she wants to eat !
All. Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.
Tess. Whenever she condescends to walk,
Be sure she'il shine at that,
With her haughty stare,
And her nose in the air,
Like a well-born aristocrat !
At elegant high society talk
She'll bear away the bell,
With her" How de do?"
And her "How are you? "
And her " Hope I see you well ! "
All. Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.
Gin. And noble lords will scrape and bow,
And double them into two,
And open their eyes
In blank surprise
At whatever ?he likes to do.
And everybody will roundly vow
She's fair as flowers in May,
And say, " How clever ! "
At whatsoever
She condescends to say !
Oh ! 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen !
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Queen !
Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Qpntadine.
CHORUS.
Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity V
This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?
THE KING OF BAR ATARI A.
329
Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?
Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality ?
liar, and Giu. Replying, we sing
As one individual,
As I find I'm a king
To my kingdom I bid you all.
I'm aware you object
To pavilions and palaces,
But you'll find I respect
Your Republican fallacies.
Chorus. As they know we object
To pavilions and palaces,
How can they respect
Our Republican fallacies ?
MAUCO AND GIUSEPPE.
For every one who feels inclined,
Some post we undertake to find
Congenial with his peace of mind
And all shall equal be.
The Chancellor in his peruke
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook
They all shall equal be.
The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts,
The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots,
The Aristocrat who cleans our boots-
They all shall equal be !
The Noble Lord who rules the State
The Noble Lord who cleans the plate
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate
They all shall equal be !
The Lord High Bishop orthodox
The Lord High Coachman on the box
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks
They all shall equal be !
Sing high, sing low,
"Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be !
Chorus. Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be !
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook,
The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts, >
The Aristocrat who cleans the boots,
The Noble Lord who rules the State,
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate,
The Lord High Bishop orthodox,
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks
330 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be !
Then, hail ! King,
Whichever you may be,
To you we sing,
But do not bend the knee.
It may be thou
Likewise it may be thee
So, hail ! O King,
Whichever you may be !
MARCO AND GIUSEPPE (together}.
Then let's away our island crown awaits me
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart !
The thought of Royal dignity elates me,
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart !
[Addressing TESSA and GIANETTA
TESSA AND GIANETTA (together}.
Farewell, my love ; on board you must be getting ;
But while upon the sea you gaily roam,
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting
The tender little heart you've left at home !
Gia. Now, Marco dear,
My wishes hear :
While you're away
It's understood
You will be good,
And not too gay.
To every trace
Of maiden grace
You will be blind,
And will not glance
By any chance
On womankind !
If you are wise,
You'll shut your eyes
'Till we arrive.
And not address
A lady less
Than forty-five.
You'll please to frown
On every gown
That you may see :
And, oh, my pet,
You won't forget
You've married me !
Oh, my darling, oh, my pet,
Whatever else you may forget,
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Oh, don't forget you've married me !
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 3:1
Tcss. You'll lay your head
Upon your bed
At set of sun.
You will not sing
Of anything
To anj r one.
You'll sit and mope
All day, I hope,
And shed a tear
Upon the life
Your little wife
Is passing here.
And if so be
You think of me,
Please tell the moon ;
I'll read it all
In rays that fall
On the lagoon ;
You'll be so kind
As tell the wind
How you may be,
And send me words
By little birds
To comfort me !
And, oh, my darling, oh, niy pet,
Whatever else you may forget,
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Oh, don't forget you've married me !
Chorus (during which a " Xebcque" is hauled alongside the quay).
Then away we go to an island fair
That lies in a Southern sea :
We know not where, and we don't much care,
Wherever that isle may be.
The J/cn (haulinci on boat). One, two, three,
Haul !
One, two, three,
Haul!
One, two, three,
Haul !
With a will !
All. Then away we go, etc.
SOLO. MARCO.
Away we go
To a balmy isle,
Where the roses blow
All the winter while.
All. Then pull, yeo ho ! and again yeo ho ! (Hoisting sail.)
And again yeo ho ! with a will !
When the breezes are a-blowing,
Then our ship will be a-going,
When they don't we shall all stand still !
332 THE GONDOLIERS', OR,
And away we go to the island fair,
That lies in a Southern sea,
Thev I know not wliere i and \ they I don ' fc mucl1 care '
Wherever that isle may be !
\The Men embark on the " Xebeque" MARCO and
GIUSEPPE embracing GIANETTA and TESSA. The
Girls wave a farewell to the Men as the curtain falls.
ACT II.
SCENE. Pavilion in the Court of Barataria. MARCO and
GIUSEPPE, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones,
occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The
Gondoliers are discovered dressed, some as courtiers, officers
of rank, etc., and others as private soldiers and servants
of various degrees. AH are enjoying themselves without
reference to social distinctions some playing cards, others
throiving dice, some reading, others playing cup and hall,
" raorra," etc.
CHORUS.
Of happiness the very pith
In Barataria you may see :
A monarchy that's tempered with
Republican Equality.
This form of government we find
The beau ideal of its kind
A despotism strict, combined
With absolute equality !
MARCO AND GIUSEPPE.
Two kings, of undue pride bereft,
Who act in perfect unity,
Whom you can order right and left
With absolute impunity.
Who put their subjects at their ease
By doing all they can to please !
And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,
Seize every opportunity.
Mar. Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your
expressions of satisfaction and good-feeling. We are delighted,
at any time, to fall in with sentiments so charmingly expressed.
Giu. At the same time there is just one little grievance that
we should like to ventilate.
All (angrily). What !
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 333
Giu. Don't be alarmed it's not serious. It is arranged that,
until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we are
to act as one person.
Giorgio. Exactly.
Giu. Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point of
fact, two persons.
Annibale. Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a
legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as
we are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities.
Gui. No ; but you can recognize two independent appetites.
It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you
supply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it
as a legal fiction carried a little too far.
Anni. It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express an
opinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before the
full Court ?
Mar. Yes, but what are we to do in the mean time?
Anni. I think we may take an interim order for double rations
on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to in-
demnify in the event of an adverse decision ?
Giorgio. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must
work hard stick to it nothing like work.
Giu. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who
holds the magnificent position of King should do something to
justify it. We are called " Your Majesty," we are allowed to
buy ourselves magnificent clothes, our subjects frequently nod
to us in the streets, the sentries always return our salutes, and
we enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscriptions
to all the principal charities. In return for these advantages
the least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the
Palace.
SONG. GIUSEPPE.
liising early in the morning,
We proceed to light our fire,
Then our Majesty adorning
In its workaday attire,
We embark without delay
On the duties of the day.
First, we polish off some batches
Of political despatches,
And foreign politicians circumvent ;
Then, if business isn't heavy,
We may hold a Roj'al levee,
Or ratify some acts of parliament,
Then we probably review the household troops
With the usual " Shalloo humps ! " and " Shalloo hoops ! "
334 THE GONDOLIERS', OR,
Or receive with ceremonial and state
An interesting Eastern potentate.
After that we generally
Go and dress our private valet
(It's a rather nervous duty he's a touchy little man)
Write some letters literary
For our private secretary
He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.
Then, in view of cravings inner,
We go down and order dinner ;
Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate
Spend an hour in titivating
All our Gentlemen-in- Waiting ;
Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.
Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a king ;
Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great ;
But the privilege and pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.
After luncheon (making merry
On a bun and glass of sherry),
If we've nothing particular to do,
We may make a Proclamation,
Or receive a Deputation
Then we possibly create a Peer or two.
Then we help a fellow-creature on his path
With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath.
Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State
To a festival, a function, or a, fete.
Then we go and stand as sentry
At the Palace (private entry),
Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro,
While the warrior on duty
Goes in search of beer and beauty
(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).
He relieves us, if he's able,
Just in time to lay the table,
Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve or one,
With a pleasure that's emphatic,
We retire to our attic
With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done !
Oh, philosophers may sing
Of the troubles of a King,
But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none ;
And the culminating pleasure
That we treasure beyond measure
Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done !
{Exeunt all lut MARCO and GIUSEPPE.
Giu. Yet it really is a very pleasant existence. They're all
so extraordinarily kind and considerate. You don't find them
wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying, " It's my
THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 335
turu now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and
never seem to grudge it.
Mar. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like
taking advantage of their good nature.
Giu. How nice they were about the double rations.
Mar. Most considerate. Ah ! there's only one thing wanting
to make us thoroughly comfortable the dear little wives we
left behind us three months ago.
Giu. It is dull without female society. We can do without
everything else, but we can't do without that.
Mar. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything.
There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.
SONG. MARCO.
Take a pair of sparkling eyes,
Hidden, ever and anon,
In a merciful eclipse
Do not heed their mild surprise
Having passed the Rubicon.
Take a pair of rosy lips ;
Take a figure trimly planned-
Such as admiration whets
(Be particular in this) ;
Take a tender little hand,
Fringed with dainty fingerettes,
Press it in parenthesis ;
Take all these, you lucky man
Take and keep them, if you can !
Take a pretty little cot
Quite a miniature affair
Hung about with trellised viuc,
Furnish it upon the spot
With the treasures rich and rare
I've endeavoured to define.
Live to love and love to live
You will ripen at your ease,
Growing on the sunny side
Fate has nothing more to give.
You're a dainty man to please
If you are not satisfied.
Take my counsel, happy man ;
Act upon it, if you can !
Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led "by FIAMETTA and
VITTOKIA. Tliey are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who
ivelcome them heartily.
CHORUS OF CONTADINE.
Here we arc, at the risk of our lives,
From ever so far, and we've brought your wives
336 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
And to that end we've crossed the main,
And we don't intend to return again !
Fia. Though obedience is strong,
Curiosity's stronger
We waited for long,
Till we couldn't wait longer.
Vit. It's imprudent, we know,
But without your society
Existence was slow,
And we long for variety
All. So here we are, at the risk of our lives,
From ever so far, and we've brought your wives
And to that end we've crossed the main,
And we don't intend to return again !
Enter TESSA and GIANETTA. They rush to the arms of
GIUSEPPE and MARCO.
Oiu. Tessa !
Tess. Giuseppe !
Oia. Marco !
Mar. Gianetta ! [Embrace.
TESSA AND GIANETTA. (Alternate lines.)
After sailing to this island
Tossing in a manner frightful,
We are all once more on dry land
And we find the change delightful.
As at home we've been remaining
We've not seen you both for ages,
Tell me, are you fond of reigning ?
How's the food, and what's the wages ?
Does your new employment please ye ?
How does Royalizing strike you ?
Is it difficult or easy ?
Do you think your subjects like you ?
I am anxious to elicit,
Is it plain and easy steering?
Take it altogether, is it
Better fun than gondoliering ?
Chorus. We shall all go on requesting,
Till you tell us, never doubt it,
Everything is interesting,
Tell us, tell us all about it !
Is the populace exacting?
Do they keep you at a distance ?
All unaided are you acting,
Or do they provide assistance ?
When you're busy, have you got to
Get up early in the morning ?
If you do what you ought not to,
Do they give the usual warning ?
THE KING OF BAR ATARI A. 337
With a horse do they equip you ?
Lots of trumpeting and drumming ?
Do the Royal tradesmen tip you ?
Ain't the livery becoming V
Does your human being inner
Feed on everything that nice is 'i
Do they give you wine for dinner V
Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices ?
Chorus. We shall all go on requesting,
Till you tell us, never doubt it ;
Everything is interesting,
Tell us, tell us all about it !
Mar. This is indeed a most delightful surprise !
Tess. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like
this : After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days
crawled by, and you never wrote ; so at last I said to Gianetta,
"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs
haven't got any one to mend their stockings, or sew on their
buttons, or patch their clothes at least, I hope they haven't
let us all pack up a change and go and see how they're getting
on." And she said, " Donc," e aud they all said, " Done ; " and we
asked old Giacopo to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done ; " and
we've crossed the sea, and, thank goodness, that's done ; and
here we are, and and Tve done !
Cria. And now which of you is King ?
Tess. And which of us is Queen ?
Giu. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But
never mind that the question is, how shall we celebrate the
commencement of our honeymoon ? Gentlemen, will you
allow us to offer you a magnificent banquet ?
All. We will !
Giu. Thanks very much ; and what do you say to a dance ?
Tess. A banquet and a dance ! Oh, it's too much happiness !
CHORUS.
We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,
Old Xeres we'll drink Manzanilla, Montero
For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances !
To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter,
And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter
Glitter clitter clatter,
Fitter pitter patter
We will dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero ;
Old Xeres we'll drink Manzanilla, Montero
For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances
The reckless delight of that wildest of dances !
CACHUCHA.
in. z
338 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of DON
ALHAMBRA, ivho looks on with astonishment. MARCO and
GIUSEPPE appear embarrassed. The others run off.
Don Al. Good evening. Fancy ball?
Giu. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's all.
Don. Al. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman !
Giu. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman.
Don Al. And, dear me, a common little drummer-boy !
Mar. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.
Don Al. But surely, surely the servants' hall is the place for
these gentry ?
Giu. Oh dear, no ! We have appropriated the servants'
hall. It's the lloyal Apartment, and we permit no intruders.
Mar. We really must have some place that we can call our
own.
Don Al. (puzzled}. I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the in-
tellectual pressure of the conversation.
Gin. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on Re-
publican principles. All departments rank equally, and every-
body is at the head of his department.
Don Al. I see.
Mar. I'm afraid you're annoyed.
Don Al. No. I won't say that. It's not quito what I
expected.
Giu. I'm awfully sorry.
Mar. So am I.
Giu. By-the-by, can I offer you anything after your voyage ?
A plate of macaroni and a rusk ?
Don Al. (preoccupied). No, no nothing nothing.
Giu. Obliged to be careful ?
Don Al. Yes gout. You see, in every Court there are dis-
tinctions that must be observed,
Giii. (puzzled). There are, are there ?
Don Al. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have
a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.
Giu. Why not ?
Don Al. Because a High Lord Chancellor is a personage of
great dignity, who should never, under any circumstances, place
himself in the position of being told to tuck in his tuppenny,
except by noblemen of his own rank.
Giu. Oh, I take you.
Don Al. For instance, a Lord High Archbishop might tell a
Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly
not a cook.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 339
Giu. Not even a Lord High Cook ?
Don AL My good friend, that is a rank that is not recognized
at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't do. I'll give
you an instance in which the experiment was tried.
SONG. DON ALIIAMBRA.
There lived a King, as I've been told,
In the wonder-working days of old,
When hearts were twice as good as gold,
And twenty times as mellow.
Good-temper triumphed in his face,
And in his heart he found a place
For all the erring human race
And every wretched fellow.
When he had Rhenish wine to drink
It made him very sad to think
That some, at junket or at jink,
Must be content with toddy.
lie wished all men as rich as he
(And he was rich as rich could be),
So to the top of every tree
Promoted everybody.
Mar. and Giu. Now, that's the kind of King for me
He wished all men as rich as he,
So to the top of ever}' tree
Promoted everybody !
Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,
And Bishops in their shovel hats
Were plentiful as tabby cats
In point of fact, too many.
Ambassadors cropped up like hay,
Prime Ministers and such as they
Grew like asparagus in May,
And Dukes were three a penny.
On every side Field Marshals gleamed,
Small beer were Lords Lieutenant deemed,
With Admirals the ocean teemed
All round his wide dominions.
And Party Leaders you might meet
In twos and threes in every street,
Maintaining, with no little heat,
Their various opinions.
J/ r. and Giu. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat-
Two Party Leaders in each street,
Maintaining, with no little heat,
Their various opinions !
That King, although no one denies
His heart was of abnormal size,
Yet he'd have acted otherwise
If he had been acuter.
340 THE GONDOLIERS ; OR,
The end is easily foretold,
When every blessed thing you hold
Is made of silver, or of gold,
You long for simple pewter.
When you have nothing else to wear
But cloth of gold and satins rare,
For cloth of gold you cease to care
Up goes the price of shoddy.
In short, whoever you may be,
To this conclusion you'll agree,
When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody !
Mar. and Giu. Now that's as plain as plain can be,
To this conclusion we agree
When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody !
TESSA and GIANETTA enter unobserved. The two Girls, impelled
by curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.
Don Al. And now I have some important news to communi-
cate. His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess,
and their beautiful daughter Casilda I say their beautiful
daughter Casilda have arrived at Barataria, and may be here
at any moment.
Mar. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.
Don Al. But the daughter the beautiful daughter ! Aha !
Oh, you're a lucky fellow, one of you !
Giu. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentle-
man.
Don Al. Not a bit I'll explain. Many years ago when you
(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were
married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beau-
tiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be
here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I
congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.
Mar. Married when a baby !
Tess. and Gia. (aside). Oh!
Giu. But we were married three months ago !
Don Al. One of you only one. The other (whichever it is)
is an unintentional bigamist.
Mar. and Giu. (bewildered). Oh, dear me!
Tess. and Gia. {coming forward). Well, upon my word !
Don Al. Eh ? Who are these young people ?
Tess. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've
just arrived.
Don Al. Their wives ! Oh, dear, this is very unfortunate.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 341
Ob, dear, this complicates matters! Dear, clear, what will the
Duke say ?
Gia. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs
was already married ?
Tess. And that neither of us will be a Queen ?
Don Al. That is the idea I intended to convey. (TESSA and
GIANETTA l)cgin to cry.}
Giu. (to TESSA). Tessa, my dear, dear child
Tess. Get away ! perhaps it's you !
Mar. (to GIAXETTE). My poor, poor little woman ?
Gia. Don't. Who knows whose husband you are !
Tess. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before
they left Venice ?
Don Al. Because if I had, no earthly temptation would have
induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fasci-
nating and utterly irresistible little ladies ! (Aside.} Neatly
put!
Tess. There's something in that.
Don Al. I may mention that you will not be kept long in
suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Koyal child is at
present in the Torture Chamber, waiting for me to interview
her.
Giu. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out of
her suspense ?
Don Al. Oh no there's no hurry she's all right. She has
all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate her,
and, in the mean time, may I suggest the absolute propriety of
your regarding yourselves as single young ladies.
[Exit DON ALHAMBRA.
Tess. Well, here's a pleasant state of things!
Mar. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies,
and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one
young lady whom nobody can identify !
Gia. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other
is married to nobody.
Tess. But which of you is married to which of us, and what's
to become of the other ? (About to cry.)
Giu. It's quite simple. Two husbands have managed to
acquire three wives. Three wives two husbands. (Reckon! mj
up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.
Tess. Oh, Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic ! My
good sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction !
Giu. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.
Mar. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is en-
tangled. Let's try and comb it out.
342 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
QUARTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA.
In a contemplative fashion,
And a tranquil frame of mind,
Free from every kind of passion,
Some solution let us find.
Let us grasp the situation,
Solve the complicated plot
Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot.
Tcss. I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded The Others. In a con-
That's, of course, a slice of luck, [templative fashion, etc.
He is rather dunder-headed,
Still distinctly, he's a duck.
Gia. . I, a victim too of Cupid, The Others. Let us grasp
Marco married that is clear. [the situation, etc.
He's particularly stupid,
Still distinctly, he's a dear.
Mar. To Gianetta I was mated ; The Others. In a con-
I can prove it in a trice : [templative fashion, etc.
Though her charms are overrated,
Still I own she's rather nice.
Giu. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, The Others. Let us grasp
All at once a victim fell. [the situation, etc.
She is what is called a silly,
Still she answers pretty well.
Mar. Now when we were pretty babies
Some one married us, that is clear
Gia. And if I can catch her
I'll pinch her and scratch her,
And send her away with a flea in her ear.
Giu. lie, whom that young lady married,
To receive her can't refuse.
Tess. If I overtake her
I'll warrant I'll make her
To shake in her aristocratical shoes !
Gia. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe
You and he will have to part
Tcss. (to Gia.). If I have to do it
I'll warrant she'll rue it
I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart !
Tess. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco
You're a spinster, that is plain
Gia. (to Tess.). No matter no matter,
If I can get at her
I doubt if her mother will know her again !
All. Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot !
[Exeunt, pondering.
TIfE KING OF BARATAR1A. 343
MARCH. Enter procession of Kctainers, heralding approach of
DUKE, DUCHESS, and CASILDA. All three are now dressed
ivith tlie utmost magnificence.
CHORUS.
With ducal pomp and ducal pride
(Announce these comers,
O ye kettle-drummers !)
Come* Barataria's high-born bride.
(Ye sounding cymbals clang !)
She comes to claim the lioyal hand
(Proclaim their Graces,
O ye double basses !)
Of the King who rules this goodly land.
(Ye brazen brasses bang!)
Duke. This polite attention touches
Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess,
Duck. Who resign their pet
With profound regret.
Duke. She of beauty was a model
When a tiny tiddle-toddle,
Duch. And at twenty-one
She's excelled by none !
All. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.
Duke (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform Ills
Majesty that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has
arrived, and begs
Cas. Desires.
Duch. Demands.
Duke. And demands an audience. (Exeunt, attendants.)
And, now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom
you were united under such interesting and romantic circum-
stances.
Cas. But which is it? There arc two of them !
Duke. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double
gentleman ; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage
are ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single gentle-
man thus presenting a unique example of an individual who
becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.
Duch. (severely). I have known instances in which the cha-
racteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the same
individual.
Duke. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toio.
Cas. Well, whatever happens, I shall of course be a dutiful
wife, but I can never love my husband.
Duke. I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing
people one can love if one gives one's mind to it.
344 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
Ducli. I loved your father.
Duke. My love that remark is a little hard, I think?
Bather cruel, perhaps ? Somewhat uncalled for, I venture to
believe ?
Ducli. It was very difficult, my dear ; but I said to myself,
1 ' That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my
relations bet me I couldn't, but I did desperately !
SOXG. DUCHESS.
On the day when I was wedded
To your admirable sire,
I acknowledge that I dreaded
An explosion of his ire.
I was overcome with panic-
Tor his temper was volcanic,
And I didn't dare revolt,
For I feared a thunderbolt !
I was always very wary,
For his fury was ecstatic
His refined vocabulary
Most unpleasantly emphatic.
To the thunder
Of this Tartar
I knocked under
Like a martyr ;
When intently
He was fuming,
I was gently
Unassuming
When reviling
Me completely,
I was smiling
Very sweetly :
Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst-
That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor at first !
But I found that a reliance
On my threatening appearance,
And a resolute defiance
Of marital interference,
And a gentle intimation
Of my firm determination
To see what I could do
To be wife and husband too,
Was all that was required
For to make his temper supple,
And you couldn't have desired
A more reciprocating couple.
Ever willing
To be wooing,
We were billing
We were cooing ;
THE KING OF BAR AT ARIA. 345
When I merely
From him parted
We were nearly
Broken-hearted
When in sequel
Reunited,
We were equal-
Ly delighted.
So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,
I tamed your insignificant progenitor at last !
Cas. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a
shady family he has married into he will repudiate the contract
altogether.
Duke. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the
lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady,
who can look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not
every nobleman who is ninety-five quarters in arrear I mean,
who can look back upon ninety-five of them ! And this, just
as I have been floated at a premium ! Oh, fie !
Ducli. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your
Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over
and over again.
Duke. My dear, her Majesty's father was in the habit of
being applied for over and over again and very urgently
applied for, too long before he was registered under the Limited
Liability Act.
RECITATIVE, DUKE.
To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment ;
Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative :
The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative !
DUET. DUKE AND DUCHESS.
Duke. Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get and they're highly delighted
Dnch. They're highly delighted !
Duke. M.P.'s baroneted,
Sham Colonel's gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted
Duch. Yes, Aldermen knighted.
Duke. Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying :
It adds a large sum to my makings
Duch. Large sum to his makings.
Duke. At charity dinners
The best of speech-spinners,
I get ten per cent, on the takings
Duch. One-tenth of the takings.
346 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
Duck. I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety
Duke. Doubtful propriety.
Duch. When Virtue would quash her,
I take and whitewash her,
And launch her in first-rate society
Duke. First-rate society !
Duch, I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers
Their fit and their finishing touches
Duke. Their finishing touches.
Duch. A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess
Duke. The) r make for the Duchess !
Duke. Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors,
Quote me as their great double-barrel
Duch. Their great double-barrel.
Duke. I allow them to do so,
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing-apparel !
Duch. Such wearing-apparel !
Duke. I sit, by selection, "
Upon the direction
Of several Companies' bubble
Duch. All Companies' bubble !
Duke. As soon as they're floated
I'm freely bank-noted
I'm pretty well paid for my trouble !
Duch. He's paid for his trouble !
Duch. At middle-class party
I play at e carte
And I'm by no means a beginner
Duke (significantly). She's not a beginner.
Duch. To one of my station
The remuneration
Five guineas a-night and my dinner
Duke. And wine with her dinner.
Duch. I write letters blatant
On medicines patent
And use any other you mustn't
DuJcc. Believe me, you mustn't
Duch. And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody's soap which it doesu't-
Dukc (significantly). It certainly doesn't !
Duke. We're ready as witness
To any one's fitness
To till any place or preferment
Duch. A place or preferment.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 347
Duch. We're often in waiting
At junket oijetinff,
And sometimes attend an interment
Duke. We like an interment.
Jloth. In short, if you'd kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches
Yes ; into your clutches.
Or hookwink a debtor,
You cannot do better
DucJi. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess
Duke. A Duke or a Duchess !
Enter MARCO and GIUSEPPE.
Duke. Ah ! their Majesties. (Bows with great ceremony.)
Mar. Ttie Duke of Plaza-Tore, I believe?
Duke. The same. (MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake lands
with him. The DUKE lows ceremoniously. They endeavour to
imitate him.) Allow me to present
Giu. The young lady one of us married?
[MARCO and GIUSEPPE offer to shake hands with her.
CASILDA curtsies formally. They endeavour to
imitate her.
Cas. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of
you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz !
Duke. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman
whom my daughter married ; the other may allow his attention
to wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not
concern him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combina-
tion of excellences which you would search for in vain in any
young lady who had not the good fortune to be my daughter.
There is some little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman
I am addressing, and which is the gentleman who is allowing
his attention to wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall
say (still addressing the attentive gentleman), " Take her, and
may she make you happier than her mother has made me."
Ditch. Sir!
Duke. If possible. And now there is a little matter to which
I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in State
with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty, my daughter,
and what do I find ? Do I find, fur instance, a guard of honour
to receive me? No. The town illuminated? No. Refresh-
ment provided ? No. A Royal salute fired ? No. Triumphal
arches erected ? No. The bells set ringing ? Yes one the
Visitors', and I rang it myself. It is not enough.
Giu. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but, you see, I was
348 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined
to taking off my hat to my passengers when they tip me.
Ducli. That's all very well, but it is not enough.
Qiu. I'll take off anything else in reason.
Duke. But a Eoyal Salute to my daughter it costs so little.
Gas. Papa, I don't want a salute.
Giu. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is entitled
to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as she likes.
Mar. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you
don't know our people they wouldn't stand it.
Giu. They are very off-hand with us very off-hand indeed.
Duke. Oh, but you mustn't allow that you must keep them
in proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your
importance. You want deportment carriage manner
dignity. There must be a good deal of this sort of thing
(business) and a little of this sort of thing (business) and
possibly just a souppon of this sort of thing ! (business) and
so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most effective. Just attend to
me. You are a king I am a subject. Very good
QUINTETTE. DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.
Duke. I am a courtier grave and serious
Who is about to kiss your hand :
Try to combine a pose imperious
With a demeanour nobly bland.
Mar. and} Let us combine a pose imperious
Giu. j With a demeanour nobly bland.
[MARCO and GIUSEPPE endeavour to carry out his in-
structions.
Duke. That's, if anything, top unbending
Too aggressively stiff and grand ;
[They suddenly modify their attitudes.
Now to the other extreme you're tending
Don't be so deucedly condescending !
Duch. and \ Now to the other extreme you're tending
Cas. j Don't be so dreadfully condescending !
Mar. and \ Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem !
Giu. j At first, if anything, too unbending !
Off we go to the other extreme
Too confoundedly condescending ;
Dulic. Now a gavotte perform sedately
Offer your hand with conscious pride ;
Take an attitude not too stately,
Still sufficiently dignified.
Mar. and \ Now for an attitude not too stately,
Giu. j Still sufficiently dignified.
[They endeavour to carry out his instructions.
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 349
Duke (beating time.)
Oncely, twicely onccly, twicely
Bow impressively ere you glide. \_Thcy do so.
Capital both you've caught it nicely !
That is the sort of thing precisely !
Duch. and \ Capital both they've caught it nicely !
Cas. j That is the sort of thing precisely !
3Iar. and \ Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise !
Giu, $ Capital both we've caught it nicely !
Supposing he's right in what he says,
This is the sort of thing precisely !
[GAVOTTE. At the end exeunt DUKE and DUCHESS,
leaving CASILDA with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.
Giu. (to MARCO.) The old birds have gone away and left the
young chickens together. That's called tact.
Mar. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how
we are situated. It's not fair to the girl.
Giu. Undoubtedly, but I don't know how to begin. (To
CASILDA.) A Madam
Cas. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you ; but it is right
to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I am
over head and ears in love with somebody else.
Giu. Our case exactly ! We are over head and ears in love
with somebody else ! (Enter TESSA and GIANETTA.) In point
of fact, with our wives !
Cas. Your wives ! Then you are married V
Tess. It's not our fault, you know. We knew nothing about
it. We are sisters in misfortune.
Cas. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go
any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory arrange-
ment, or we shall get hopelessly complicated.
QUINTETTE. MARCO, GIUSEPPE, TESSA, GIANETTA, CASILDA.
All. Here is a fix unprecedented !
Here are a King and Queen ill-starred !
Ever since marriage was first invented
Never was known a case so hard !
Mar. and \ I may be said to have been bisected,
Giu. \ By a profound catastrophe !
Gia., Tcss., \ Through a calamity unexpected
and Cass. ) I am divisible into three !
Oh, moralists all,
How can you call
Marriage a state oi' unitee,
When excellent husbands are bisected,
And wives divisible into three?
350 THE GONDOLIERS; OR,
Enter DON ALHAMBRA, followed by DUKE, DUCHESS, and all
the Chorus.
FINALE.
RECITATIVE. DON ALHAMRUA.
Now let the loyal lieges gather round
The Prince's foster-mother has been found !
She will declare, to silver clarion's sound,
The rightful King let him forthwith be crowned !
Chorus. She will declare, etc.
[DON ALHAMBRA brings forward INEZ, the Princes
foster-mother.
Tcss. Speak, woman, speak
Duke. We're all attention
Gia. The news we seek
Cas. This moment mention.
Duch. To us they bring
Don Al. His foster-mother.
Mar. Is he the King ?
Gin. Or this my brother ?
All. Speak, woman, speak, etc.
RECITATIVE. INEZ.
The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted
To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted ;
When traitors came to steal his son reputed,
My own small boy I deftly substituted !
The villains fell into the trap completely
I hid the Prince away still sleeping sweetly ;
I called him " son" with pardonable slyness
His name, Luiz ! Behold his Royal Highness !
[Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed
as King.
Cas. (rushing to his arms). Luiz !
Luiz. Casilda ! (Embraced)
All. Is this indeed the King,
Oh, wondrous revelation !
Oh, unexpected thing !
Unlooked-for situation ! [ They kneel.
MAUCO, GlANETTA, GlUSEPPE, TESSA.
This statement we receive'
With sentiments conflicting ;
Our thoughts rejoice and grieve,
Each other contradicting ;
To those whom we adore
We can be reunited
On one point rather sore,
But, on the whole, delighted !
THE KING OF BARATARIA. 351
CASILDA, Lurz, DUKE, AN*D DUCHESS.
Luiz. When others claimed thy dainty hand,
I waited waited waited waited,
Duke. As prudence (so I understand)
Dictated tated tated tated.
C(ts. By virtue of our early vow
Recorded corded corded corded,
Duch. Your pure and patient love is now
Rewarded warded ward ed warded .
All. Then hail, King of a Golden Land,
And the high-born bride who claims his hand-
The past is dead, and you gain your own,
A royal crown and a golden throne !
Mar, and Gin. Once more cjondolieri,
Both skilful and wary,
Free from this quandary
Contented are we.
From Royalty flying,
Our gondolas plying
And merrily crying
Our "preme," "stall!"
All. So, good-bye cachucha, fandango, bolero
We'll dance a farewell to that measure-
Old Xeres, adieu Manzanilla Montcro
We leave you with feelings of pleasure !
CURTAIN.
THE MOUNTEBANKS.
AN ENTIRELY ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
Produced at the Lyric Theatre^ London, wider the management of
MR. HORACE SEDGER, on Monday, January ^th, 1892.
in, 2 A
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
ARROSTINO ANNEGATO, Captain of the Tamorras a Secret Society.
GIORGIO RAVIOLI ^
T > Members of his Hand.
LUIGI SPAGHETTI J
ALFREDO, a Young Peasant, loved by ULTRICE, lut in love with TERESA.
PIETRO, Proprietor of a Troupe of Mountebanks.
BARTOLO, his Clown.
ELVINO DI PASTA, an Innkeeper.
RISOTTO, one of the Tamorras just married to MINESTRA.
BEPPO.
TERESA, a Village Beauty ', loved by ALFREDO, and in love with herself.
ULTRICE, in love with, and detested by, ALFREDO,
NITA, a Dancing Girl.
MINESTRA, Risotto's Bride.
Tamorras, Monks, Village Girls, etc.
ACT I.
EXTERIOR OF ELVINO'S INN, ON A PICTURESQUE
SICILIAN PASS. MORNING.
ACT II.
EXTERIOR OF A DOMINICAN MONASTERY.
MOONLIGHT.
DATB-EARLY ix THE 19Tii CENT tin Y,
THE MOUNTEBANKS.
ACT I.
SCENE. A mountain Inn on a picturesque Sicilian pass. A
range of mountains, with Etna in the distance. In the
middle distance, a Monastery on a steep rocky elevation.
As the curtain rises, a procession of Dominican Monks ivinds
down the set pieces on to the stage.
CHAUNT.
fHtemrc !
SImfcra fcrr,
pauper gum fctafinlutf.
CEhtum aramu3
>ittcnj tfumquc,
plerumque,
[The procession of Monks exit. As they are going off,
GIORGIO, a member of the Tamorra Secret Society,
appears on the set, and watches them off. As soon
as the coast is clear, he comes down, and beckons
to the rest of the band, ivho, headed by LUIGI,
appear from various entrances, and come doivn
mysteriously.
CHORUS OP TAMOURAS.
We are members of a Secret Society,
Working by the moon's uncertain disc ;
Our motto is " Revenge without Anxiety "
That is, -without unnecessary risk ;
356 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
We pass our nights on damp straw and squalid hay
When trade is not particularly brisk ;
But now and then we take a little holiday,
And spend our honest earnings in a frisk.
SOLO. GIORGIO.
Five hundred years ago,
Our ancestor's next door neighbour
Had a mother whose brother,
By some means or other,
Incurred three months' hard labour.
This wrongful sentence, though,
On his head he contrived to do it,
As it tarnished our scutcheon,
Which ne'er had a touch on,
We swore mankind should rue it !
All. Yes yes yes !
We swore mankind should rue it !
So we're members of a Secret Society,
Working by the moon's uncertain disc ;
Our motto is "Eevenge without Anxiety"
That is, without unnecessary risk.
Enter from Inn, ELVINO DI PASTA.
El. Bless my heart, what are you all doing here? How
comes it that you have ventured in so large a body so near to
the confines of civilization ? And by daylight, too ! It seems
rash.
Oio. Elvino, we are here under circumstances of a romantic
and sentimental description. We are all going to be married !
EL What, all of you ?
Lui. One each day during the next three weeks. What do
you say to that ?
El. Why, that it strikes at the root of your existence as a
Secret Society, that's all. And who is to be the first ?
Gio. The first is Eisotto, who went down to the village this
morning, disguised as a stockbroker, to be married to Minestra,
and we expect the happy couple back every minute. The next
is Giuseppe, he's to be married to-morrow, Luigi on Thursday,
and so on until we are all worked off. As we are twenty-four
in number, that will occupy twenty-four days, which are to be
passed in unceasing revelry and our captain, Arrostino, intends
to confer upon you the benefit of our custom.
EL There I think he is right. I am out of wine just now,
but I have a family prescription for fine old crusted Chianti,
which I will send to the nearest chemist to be compounded at
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 357
once. There's only one thing for which I must stipulate ; let
these revels be as joyous, as reckless, as rollicking as you please
only, let them be conducted in a whisper.
Lui. What, because we are a Secret Society ? We arc not
as secret as all that.
EL No ; but because there is a considerable portion of a poor
old Alchemist on the second floor who is extremely unwell. You
wouldn't go for to disturb the dying moments of a considerable
portion of a poor old Alchemist ?
Gio. You are unusually considerate. What's the matter
with him ?
El. Why, the poor old boy is continually blowing himself up
with dynamite in his researches after the Philosopher's Stone.
Well, that's nothing it's all in the day's work, and he's used
to it. But this time he has blown himself up worse than usual,
and several of the bits are missing ; if you come across anything
of the kind they are his, and I'm sure you'll behave honourably,
and give them up at once.
Oio. We swear.
EL Bless you ! Now, the Alchemist has hitherto paid for
his board and lodging in halfpence, with a written undertaking
to turn them all into gold as soon as his discovery is com-
pleted ; consequently the dictates of common humanity prompt
us to give him every chance. (Noise of explosion within.} Up
he goes again ! Excuse me one minute, while I go and collect
him.
[Exit ELVINO.
Enter Chorus of Village Girls, dancing, and heralding the
approach of RISOTTO and MINESTRA.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Come all the maidens in merry community ;
Gay and jocose,
Hither we wend.
liisotto, Minestra, are knitted in unity ;
Nobody knows
How it Avill end.
Risotto is handsome and really delectable
Stalwart and tall ;
Second to none.
Minestra, nice-looking and very respectable.
So we are all
Every one.
All. So { y ] nrc all-
Every one.
358 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Enter RISOTTO and MINESTRA.
DUET. RISOTTO AND MINESTRA.
Min, If you please, I'm now a member of your band
Ris. If you please, she's
Mm. Now allow me, pray, to speak
I am married
Ris. She's my wife, you understand.
Min. If you interrupt, I'll leave you in a week.
Ris. I really think I might
Min. You are very impolite !
Ris. But I wanted to explain
Min. Well, now, there you go again !
If you kindly will permit me,
I can perfectly acquit me :
I'm a lady !
Ris. She's a lady !
Min. Very good, then I refrain !
Ris. Allow me to present to you my wife !
Min. I think you'd better keep her to yoursel'.
Ris. She's the treasure and the pleasure of my life
Min. I dare say until she's laid upon the shelf !
Ris. She's a poem, she's a song
Min. (relenting}. You don't mean it go along !
Ris. I shall love her when she's grey !
Min. Will you really ? I dare say ;
With your snapping and your snarling !
Ris. You're a dear, and you're a darling !
Min. Do you mean it?
Ris. Yes, I mean it !
Both. Oh, my darling ! Oh, my dear !
Enter ARROSTINO.
Oio. Three secret cheers for the Captain !
All {pianissimo}. Hurrah ! hurrah ! hurrah !
Arr. How do? How do? Ah! the bride and bridegroom.
Allow me. (Kisses her.) Charming at least I think so
another. (Kisses her again.) Yes, charming. Risotto, my poor
fellow, accept my condolences.
His. Condolences ! You don't see anything wrong with
her?
Arr. With her ? Oh no not with her. My dear friend,
she's bewitching. (To MINESTRA.) You are bewitching, aren't
you?
Min. I believe I'm nice.
Arr. You do? I'm delighted to hear it on such good
authority.
Ris. Still, I don't see why you should condole with me.
Arr. Don't you? Never mind you will. Now tell me,
Minestra, candidly what was it you saw in him to admire?
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 359
It's not his face, of course ; nor his figure we'll put them out
of the question. It can't be his conversation, because ho hasn't
any.
Min. I don't know. He's got a way with him.
Arr. Has he got it with him now ?
Min. I don't know. I suppose so.
Arr. (imperatively}. Risotto, give us an example of the way
you have with you.
Ris. It's something like this (business of ogling).
Arr. Oh, but my dear girl really dear, dear, dear !
Min. (apologetically). You've got to be nearer to him for it
to tell.
Arr. Well, but even then ! Now, look at it in cold blood.
Think of it ten years hence when the novelty's worn off.
Min. It does look foolish from here. Oh, I almost wish I
hadn't !
Ris. My dear! (Consoling her.)
Min. Don't I'm so inexperienced !
Arr. I suppose so. Pity pity ! Never mind next time
you'll be older. Now, girls, I have some news for you : the
Duke and Duchess of Pallavicini are to pass through the village
this evening on their way to Palermo. You don't see a real
Duke and Duchess every day, so the best thing you can do is
to run down and prepare to receive them.
1st Girl. A real Duke and Duchess! Oh, that will be
delightful.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Only think, a Duke and Duchess !
Oh, but we are lucky lasses !
Hie we to our looking-glasses
For a few artistic touches.
Let us decorate our tresses
Ere the grand procession passes,
And receive the upper classes
In our most becoming dresses !
SOLO. MlNESTRA.
Go and wash your pretty faces,
Dress in ribbons and in laces,
Or expect from both their Graces
A well-merited rebuke ; '
And your hair I pray you frizz it
For it isn't often is it ?
That you're favoured with a visit
From a Duchess and a Duke !
360 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
_ *
CHORUS.
Yes, we'll wash our pretty faces,
Dress in ribbons and in laces,
For it isn't often is it V
That we're favoured with a visit
From a Duke and from a Duchess,
From a Duchess and a Duke !
{Exeunt Girls all but MINESTKA.
Arr. Now then, to business. Anything to report ?
Gio. Yes. A travelling Englishman passed our encampment
this morning.
Arr. Good. We have a vendetta against all travelling
Englishmen. The relation of our ancestor's neighbour was
arrested by a travelling Englishman. Well ?
Gio. No very bad. The cowardly ruffian was armed.
Arr. What a lily-livered hound ! That's so like these
Englishmen. This growing habit of carrying revolvers is the
curse of our profession. Anything else ?
Lui. Only an old market-woman on a mule.
Arr. Well, we have a vendetta against all old market-women
on a mule. The principal evidence against the relation of our
ancestor's neighbour was an old market-woman on a mule.
Did you arrest her ?
Lui. We were about to do so, but she passed us in silent
contempt.
Arr. Humph! This growing habit of passing us in silent
contempt strikes at the very root of our little earnings. Of
course you could do nothing ?
Gio. Nothing whatever. You see, as we are all to be
married in the course of the next three weeks, we are bound,
as men of honour, to hand over our personal charms in the
same condition of substantial and decorative repair that they
were in when we captivated these confiding creatures.
Arr. Naturally. It is plain that a man who offers a girl his
hand, and comes to claim her with his arm amputated at the
shoulder, is no longer in a position to fulfil his contract. A man
who proposes with a Roman nose and turns up at the altar with
a snub is guilty of flat dishonesty, on the face of it. At the
same time, that's no reason why you shouldn't pick off the bits
of cotton wool in which you are in the habit of putting your-
selves away at night. (Picking scraps of wool from the coats of
PIETRO and GIORGIO.) To people who are unacquainted with
the circumstances it might look a little unmanly. I don't know
perhaps not. (Replacing tlie scraps of wool on their coats.)
However, take heart. I have an enterprise in hand which
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 361
promises the very maximum of profit with the very minimum
of risk. The Duke and Duchess I believe we have a vendetta
against all Dukes and Duchesses ?
Gio. The judge who sentenced the relation of our ancestor's
neighbour would have been a duke if they had created him one.
Arr. The scoundrel ! Then I intend to secure this Duke
and Duchess.
Gio. Ah! But how? Remember the motto of our band
" Heroism without risk."
Arr. We shall do it diplomatically, of course. In the first
place, we shall seize on yonder monastery
Lui. When the monks are asleep ?
Arr. Why, of course and dress ourselves in their robes. In
the mean time, Minestra, disguised as an old woman, will lure
the Duke away from his escort and into our power.
Min. /think I could do it better as a young woman.
Arr. Nonsense, you little goose you know nothing at all
about it ! Listen !
SONG. AKROSTINO.
The Duke and the Duchess as they travel through the lands
With the clips of their whips and their high jerry ho !
Will pass by the rock where that monastory stands,
In a first-class fine-folk fashion,
With their high jerry ho !
Their postilion in vermilion
And the rattle of their cattle,
And their high jerry ho !
Chorus. With their high jerry ho ! etc.
Minestra they'll find as a tottering old crone,
With her moans and her groans and her high jerry ho !
Who lias tumbled down the rock, and is lying all alone,
And her cries will excite their compassion
With her high jerry ho !
And her cropper so improper,
And her fussy, " Lawk ha' mussy,"
And her high jerry ho !
Chorus. With her high jerry ho'! etc.
She'll beg that the Duke will convey her to the friars,
With their splint and their lint and their high jerry ho !
Then he'll take her up at once through the brambles and
the briars ;
And her woes to the monks she'll explain them.
With their high jerry ho !
With their wrappings and their strappings,
With their cackle on diachylon
Their high jerry ho !
Chorus. With Iheir high jerry ho ! etc.
362 'THE MOUNTEBANKS.
By this time the monks will have fallen in our clutches,
With their cries of surprise and their high jerry ho !
And, disguised in their robes, we'll receive the Duke and
Duchess ;
And in custody close we'll detain them,
With their high jerry ho !
And the pusses of those cusses,
And a ransom very handsome
And a high jerry ho !
Chorus. With their high jerry ho ! etc.
[Exeunt all.
Enter ALFREDO.
RECITATIVE. ALFREDO.
Teresa ! little word so glibly spoken !
Take pity on a heart that's all but broken !
Teresa ! one-word poem trisyllabic ;
An Eastern ode in sensuous Arctic
Would that thou wert as tender in thy nature
As in thy soft and tender nomenclature !
BALLAD. ALFHEDO.
Bedecked in fashion trim,
With every curl a-quiver ;
Or leaping, light of limb,
O'er rivulet and river ;
Or skipping o'er the lea
On daffodil and daisy ;
Or stretched beneath a tree,
All languishing and lazy-
Whatever be her mood ;
Be she demurely prude,
Or languishingly lazy ;
My lady drives me crazy
In vain her heart is wooed,
Whatever be her mood !
What profit should I gain
Suppose she loved me dearly ?
Her coldness turns my brain
To verge of madness merely.
Her kiss though, Heaven knows,
To dream of it were treason
Would tend, as I suppose,
To utter loss of reason !
My state is not amiss ;
I would not have a kiss
Which, in or out of season,
Might tend to loss of reason :
What profit in such bliss ?
A fig for such a kiss !
Alf. What shabby things a roan will do when he's eaten up
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 363
with jealousy ! But what a comfort those shabby things are
to him ! To prevent Teresa joining the Tamorras with the other
girls, I was mean enough to bribe a farm girl to lock her in her
room ! I'm disgusted with myself for having stooped to such
a contemptible act. Still, I'm very glad I did it.
Enter TERESA.
Alf. Teresa ! You here ?
Ter. Didn't expect me, I fancy?
Alf. No I
Ter. Locked me in my room, didn't you ? Well, I escape 1
through the window.
Alf. Never thought of the window ! However, you are too
late the Tamorras have gone. Ah! forgive me; I couldn't
bear the thought of your spending the day with them.
Ter. My dear Alfredo, now do you really think I am the sort
of girl who would throw herself away upon a contemptible out-
law ? Why, I'd much sooner marry you, I
Alf. (delighted). You would? My darling! (Futtiny his
ar?n round her.}
Ter. Infinitely. Don't!
Alf. Why not?
Ter. It's a liberty.
Alf. But after the tender avowal you have just made, surely
I may be permitted
Ter. My dear Alfredo, you jump at conclusions. I said I
would rather throw myself away on a respectable young farmer
than on a contemptible outlaw. But I haven't the smallest
intention of throwing myself away on either.
Alf. Teresa, have some pity on me ; I am so desperately in
love with you. I have founded my hopes of happiness upon
you, for you are the very air I breathe, the very sunlight of
my life !
Ter. You are, of course, quite at liberty to profit by any light
I may happen to emit ; but without wishing to say a word that
would hurt your feelings, it is only right to tell you that I look
a great deal higher than a mere clodhopper. For you do hop
clods, you know.
Alf. I have certainly hopped some in my time.
Ter. It's not my own idea. To be quite candid with you, I
have often wondered what people can see in me to admire.
Personally, I have a poor opinion of my attractions. They are
not at all what I would have chosen if I had had a voice in the
matter. But the conviction that I am a remarkably attractive
girl is so generally entertained that, in common modesty, I feel
364 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
bound to yield to the pressure of popular sentiment, and to look
upon myself as an ineffective working minority.
Alf. But you used to like me.
Ter. Decidedly. Personally, I entertain a great admiration
fur you. /think you extremely good-looking.
Alf. (delighted). Teresa !
Ter. But the general opinion on the subject of your good
looks is so entirely against me that (again regarding myself as
an ineffective working minority) I feel bound to yield to the
pressure of popular prejudice, and admit that you cannot be as
good-looking as I feel sure you are.
Alf. (despondingly). Perhaps not.
BALLAD. TERESA.
It's rny opinion though I own
In thinking so I'm quite alone
In some respects I'm but a fright.
You like my features, I suppose ?
Pin disappointed with my nose :
Some rave about it perhaps they're right.
My figure just sets off a fit ;
But when they say it's exquisite
(And they do say so), that's too strong.
I hope I'm not what people call
Opinionated ! After all,
I'm but a goose, and may be wrong !
When charms enthral
There's some excuse
For measures strong ;
And, after all,
I'm but a goose,
And may be wrong !
My teeth are very neat, no doubt ;
But, after all, they may fall out :
/ think they will some think they won't.
My hands are small, as you may see,
But not as small as they might be,
At least, /think so others don't.
But there, a girl may preach and prate
From morning six to evening eight,
And never stop to dine,
When all the world, although misled,
Is quite agreed on any head
And it is quite agreed on mine !
All said and done,
It's little I
Against a throng
I'm only one,
And possibly
I may be wrong !
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 365
Ter. Now, come and talk it over, like a sensible boy. {They
sit lie at herftet.} Come, tell me all about it. You know you
used always to confide your little troubles to me.
Alf. I've nothing to say, except that I'm over head and ears
in love with you.
Ter. Now, first of all, you mustn't say " you ; " it's too
personal. Say, ' ' I'm over head and ears in love with Teresa ! "
Alf. Well, so I am.
Ter. Poor boy ! Well, I can quite understand it, for, with all
her faults, she's far and away the nicest girl hereabouts. Now,
look at it sensibly. If you, a plain young man, married a con-
spicuous beauty (for, after all's said and done, that's what it
comes to), you would be under a perpetual disadvantage from
sheer force of contrast ; and as for jealousy well, I've known
Teresa since she was quite a little girl, and, take my word for
it, she would keep you on chronic tenterhooks. Now, if you
married a thoroughly plain girl like Elvino's niece Ultrice, for
instance
ULTRICE enters, and overhears what follows.
who couldn't possibly, under any circumstances, give you the
least uneasiness on the score of her personal attractions you
might count on being as happy as two thoroughly unattractive
little birds could reasonably expect to be.
Alf. Ultrice ! What do I want with Ultrice ? She follows
me everywhere. She worries my life out.
Ter. Ultrice is quite a good sort of girl; and as to her personal
appearance, why, you'd get used even to that in a couple of
years !
ULTRICE comes forward.
QUARTETTE. ULTRICE, TERESA, ALFREDO, AND AFTERWARDS
ELVINO.
Ult. Upon my word, miss !
Ter. Oh, it's you, miss !
How d'ye do, miss ?
Didn't know you
Overheard, miss !
Ult. Ob, you spiteful-
Ter. (curtseying). How politeful !
Ult. One I owe you,
You tittling, tattling, reckless, rattling, twopenny-ha'penny
parcel of vanity !
Ter. High gentility, amiability, both combined with true humility !
Ult. You mischief-making, character-taking, clicking clacking bit
of inanity !
Ter. Play propriety, or society may suppose it's inebriety.
366 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Alf. Now, ladies, pray you, listen to me.
Dicky-birds in their nests agree.
If they can do so, do so too.
Ter. and Ult. What has it, pray, to do with you ?
Ult. Dicky-birds don't, to gain their ends,
Depreciate their absent friends.
Ter. Dicky-birds don't, whate'er they hear,
Forget that they are ladies, dear !
All Three. Dicky-birds tweetle, tweetle tweek,
Which may be silly, and does sound weak ;
But dickey-birds don't, whate'er they hear,
Forget that they are ladies, dear !
Enter ELVIXO.
El, Now, pray you, attention ! I've something to mention
That ought your approval to win
Ult. (interrupting). And dicky-birds never, or rarely, endeavour
El. Now, ladies, a truce to this din !
Ter. (interrupting). And dicky-birds don't
EL Be quiet !
Ter. I won't !
El. My fortune's about to begin
The Duke and Duchess (their quality such is)-
Themselves, and their kith and kin
Ult. (interrupting). And dicky-birds try to
Ter. (interrupting). And you too and I too
EL Are going to stop at the inn !
All Three. What !
El. They're going to stop at the inn !
All Three. What !
El. They're going to stop at the inn !
Ult. The Duke and Duchess fall into our clutches ?
A penance, no doubt, for some sin !
Ter. Perhaps it's his figure, too portly for vigour,
He's stout, and he wants to be thin !
Alf, At least their intention shows great condescension,
For comfort they can't care a pin :
Indifferent eating
Ult. Hard beds and damp sheeting
Ter. (I hope they've some Keating)
All Three. Afford a poor greeting
To people who stop at this inn !
ELVINO. THE OTHERS.
For excellent eating, Indifferent eating,
Good beds and warm sheeting, Hard beds and damp sheeting
That never want Keating, (I hope they've some Keating),
Afford a good greeting Afford a poor greeting
To people who stop at my inn ! To people who stop at this inn !
EL I don't know how I shall accommodate them. My only
bedroom is occupied by the exploded Alchemist, who is much
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 367
too incomplete to be moved. There's the scullery. Do you think
they'd put up with a shakedown in the scullery ?
Alf. I don't know. The Duke is an awful stickler for etiquette.
Ult. He gave an inkeeper at Palermo six months because he
used his pocket-handkerchief in his presence.
Ter. And he fined the Mayor of Syracuse a hundred crowns
because he didn't.
El. This is terrible. I know I shall make some fearful mis-
take with these people ! I've never in my life addressed anybody
of higher rank than an Oil and Italian Warehouseman !
Alf. My good sir, they're not people they're Personages.
El. Of course they are ! There I go putting my foot into
it at the first go off! If I could only practise a little ! Now,
if you'd be so kind so very kind as to impersonate the Duke,
just for a dress rehearsal of the reception (I've got a lot of
beautiful clothes left behind by some strolling players in pawn
for their bill), you shall be treated with all the consideration due
to your exalted rank, and have the entire run of the bar, except
rum-shrub !
Alf. It's a tempting offer. But I must have a Duchess.
EL Of course you must. {Aside.} How many Duchesses go
to a Duke ?
Alf. Only one at a time.
EL You don't say so ?
Alf. Yes Dukes are very particular about that.
EL Dear me ! (Aloud.) Well, here are two to choose from
my cousin Teresa and my niece Ultrice both charmino-.
Ult. and Ter. What's that?
El. Well, one charming and one umph ! Will that do ?
Ult. and Ter. That will do.
EL Now, come ; we've no time to lose. Choose your Duchess
and begin.
QUARTETTE. ALFREDO, ULTRICE, TERESA, AND ELVINO.
Alf. (to TERESA.) Fair maid, take pity on my state !
Look down with eyes compassionate
On my condition lonely ;
Nor think me too impertinent,
If I implore you to relent,
And my sweet Duchess represent
On this occasion only !
Ter. I thank you, sir ; but it would be
Presumptuous, indeed, in me
To personate a Duchess.
Iut I know one who'd have the face
To jump at mimicking her Grace ;
No compliment seems out of place
Her vanity that touches.
368 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Ult. D'you mean me, miss?
Ter. I mean you, miss,
All above.
Ult. You're too free, miss.
Ter. Try it, do, miss
There's a love !
Ult. I agree, miss !
Ter. That's explicit :
Take your ground !
Ult. You shall see, miss.
Ter. Wouldn't miss it
For a pound !
Ult. Though your spite all bounds surpasses,
Pay attention, I beseech you.
Manners of the upper classes
I shall be most pleased to teach you.
Ter. Thank you, dear pray, take your station
Malice soon will spread the rumour.
It will be a personation
Teeming with unconscious humour !
ENSEMBLE.
ULTRICE. ALFREDO, TERESA, AXD ELVIXO.
Watch me as I take my station, Watch her as she takes her station,
Spread abroad the welcome Malice soon will spread the
rumour. rumour.
No attempt at provocation It will be a personation
Touches my extreme good Teeming with unconscious
humour. humour.
Ult. Now, look at me,
And you will see
How ladies grand
Present their hand ;
It's copied from the highest ladies in the land.
Ter. I always thought
A lady ought
To walk with grace
And not grimace ;
But that, it's very evident, is not the case.
Ult. Then as they walk,
They blandly talk,
And look at us
With eye-glass thus
And what they'll have for dinner they, perhaps, discuss.
Ter. It would appear
They flout and fleer,
Stick up their nose,
Turn in their toes
You're teaching me gratuitously, I suppose V
Ult. Then as she takes her place upon the throne that is prepared.
The people bow them to the ground, and every head is bared,
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 369
They keep their proper places as she looks them through and
through
Tcr. And I suppose they try to keep their countenances too ?
If that is what is called Court etiquette, it's very plain
The ways of high society I never shall attain ;
It seems you must be ill-bred, and as awkward as can be,
Which is A B C to you, my love, but difficult for me.
[Exeunt ELVINO, lowing before ALFREDO and ULTRICE,
TERESA following and mimicking ULTRICE'S walk
and gestures.
Charivari without. Enter Chorus of Girls, running and
heralding the approach of PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA.
PIETRO is driving a Palermo donkey-cart. BARTOLO is
dressed as a clown, NITA as a rope-dancer. BARTOLO
carries a big drum and Pandean pipes.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Tabor and drum !
Mummers have come !
Hey for their mummery,
Frolic and flummery !
For to my dull
Countrified skull
Nothing sublunary
Equals buffoonery !
Folk of our kind
Frequently find
Jokes that are sensible
Incomprehensible.
Here, I admit,
Genuine wit,
As a commodity,
Ranks below oddity.
SOLO (PlETRO) AND ClIORUS.
Come, strike up, Mr. Merriman, while I inform the universe,
In metrical and tuny verse
Bar. In metrical and tuny verse
Pic. That here's an exhibition that's highly intellectual
To see it we expect you all
Bar. To see it we expect you all.
Pie. Come, empty all your pockets, for I'm not a common mounte-
bank,
I've money in the County Bank
Bar. He's money in the County Bank.
Pie. And I can give you value for your coppers insignificant
And I'll return 'em if I can't
Bar. And he'll return 'em if he can't.
III. 2 B
370 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
SONG. BAUTOLO.
Though I'm a buffoon, recollect
I command your respect !
I cannot for money
Be vulgarly funny,
My object's to make you reflect!
True humour's a matter in which
I'm exceedingly rich.
It ought to" delight you.
Although, at first sight, you
May not recognize it as sich.
Other clowns make you laugh till you sink,
When they tip you a wink ;
With attitude antic,
They render you frantic
I don't. I compel you to think !
For, oh, this is a world of insincerity and trouble,
And joy is imbecility, and happiness a bubble,
And you're a lot of butterflies who flutter through a summer,
And he's a mountebank, and I'm a miserable mummer !
All. It's possible the world is insincerity and trouble,
And happiness, for all I know, is nothing but a bubble ;
Perhaps we may be butterflies who flutter through a summer,
But you're, without a doubt, a very miserable mummer !
Nita (dancing). I've a dance
That came from France
Not long ago
It's worthy of your silver and your copper.
It's my own,
And I alone
Its mazes know
It's graceful and particularly proper.
I assist
As soloist,
Upon a squeeze,
On the trumpet and the kettledrum sonorous.
I've a song
That's just as long
As you may please
Twenty verses, and each verse has got a chorus !
All. Now that's the kind of merriment you ought to set before us ;
Only fancy twenty verses, and each verse has got a chorus.
To such an entertainment we could listen for a summer ;
But save us from the humour of this melancholy mummer !
Pie. Oh, you lucky people ! Oh, you fortunate villagers ! A
perfectly remote and altogether obscure corner of Europe favoured
with the presence of a company of artists whom all the crowned
heads of Europe are quarrelling to possess ! ( To B ARTOLO.) Solo,
if you please, expressive of a general withdrawal of ambassadors
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 371
from all the European Courts. (Flourish.} The Czar of Russia
is no longer on terms with the Empress of New York because
I visited her first. A lady, you know ! As a man of gallantry
I couldn't refuse. But, mum! I must be discreet. (7b BARTOLO.)
Solo, if you please, expressive of the honourable silence of a self-
respecting man of gallantry. (BARTOLO flourishes his drum-
sticks and pretends to play Pandean pipes, but without eliciting
any sound.) Now, what do you think we come for ?
AIL Gold!
Pie. Gold? Bah! Try again.
AIL Silver!
Pie. Silver ? Why, we're sick of gold and silver !
Bar. Could you oblige me with my last week's salary ?
Pie. Gold! (Taking a handful from his pocket and looking
at it in disgust.} Ugh ! (Shuddering.) Here catch ! (About
to throw it to them.} Stop ! On second thoughts it will only
give you ideas above your station. But, come I will be frank
with you. The greatest men have their weaknesses, and I have
mine. I have been cursed through life with a morbid craving for
copper ! I was cradled in a copper. I have frequently been taken
up by a copper. A bull once tossed me for a copper. " Heads ! "
I cried. I came down tails, and he won. I was hurt. I felt
it very much. (To BARTOLO.) Solo, if you please, expressive
of feelings that may be more easily imagined than described.
(Flourish.} Now to business. At half-past three will be pre-
sented a dress rehearsal of the performance to be given before
the Duke and Duchess of Pallavicini, comprising an exhibition
of conjuring, necromancy, spirit manifestations, thought-reading,
hypnotism, mesmeric psychology, psychography, sensory halluci-
nation, dancing on the slack wire and ground, and lofty tumbling.
Also will be exhibited the two world-renowned life-size clock-
work automata, representing Hamlet and Ophelia (unrolling two
posters representing the figures} as they appeared in the bosoms of
their families before they disgraced their friends by taking to the
stage for a livelihood. The price of admission will be one penny
for the aristocracy, members of the upper middle classes half
price. At half-past five. Be in time be in time be in time !
[During this speech PIETRO has frequently refreshed him-
self from a large wine-skin, uiJiich is also referred to
1>H BARTOLO when PIETRO is not looking.
Chorus. Now that's the sort of merriment you ought to set before us ;
To mark our approbation we'll extemporize a chorus.
To such an entertainment we could listen for a summer ;
I>ut save us from the humour of that melancholy mummer !
[Exeunt Village Girls.
372 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Pie. Humph ! Not a remunerative lot, I fancy. But if the
Duke, who is a mad enthusiast in the matter of automata,
should take a fancy to our Hamlet and Ophelia, he'll buy them,
and ourfortune's made ! By-the-by, where's Beppo with the
figures ?
Ni. Bless you, he couldn't be here yet all uphill.
Pie. True. Nita !
Ni. Well. (She is talking to BARTOLO.)
Pie. Not quite so near Bartolo, please.
Ni. Oh, I forgot force of habit.
Pie. You must recollect that you are no longer engaged to
be married to him. That's over. You are engaged to be
married to me, now. Tiy and remember it were to him, are
to me. It's quite easy, if you put it like that. Thank you.
(Leads donkey off.)
Ni. Yes, but it's not so easy. A girl who's been deeply in
love with a gentleman for the last six months may be forgiven
if she forgets, now and then, that she doesn't care a bit for
him any more.
Bar. (gloomily). We were happy !
Ni. Very ! (Sighing.')
Bar. How we carried on !
Ni. Didn't we !
Bar. Do you remember when I used to go like that ^to
you?
Ni. Don't I ! (Sighing.)
Bar. Does lie ever go like that to you ?
Ni. Not he he doesn't know how.
Bar. And yet we have a School Board ! How you loved
me !
Ni. Yes ; but when I loved you you told me you were a
leading tragedian. But a clown I really don't see how I could
love a clown.
Bar. I didn't deceive you. I've played the first acts and
the first alone of all our tragedies. No human eye has seen
me in the second act of anything! My last appearance was
three mouths agone. I played the moody Dane. As no ono
else had ever played him, so I played that Dane. Gods ! how
they laughed ! I see them now I hear their ribald roars.
The whole house rocked with laughter ! I've a soul that
cannot brook contempt. " Laugh on ! " I said ; " laugh on,
and laugh your fill you laugh your last ! No man shall ever
laugh at me again I'll be a clown ! " I kept my word they
laugh at me no more.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 373
Enter BEPPO, running and meeting PIETRO.
Bep. (breathless). Oh, master ! here's a misfortune here's
a calamity !
Pie. Eh? What's the matter ? Where are the figures ?
Bep. They're at Palermo !
Pie., Bar., and Ni. What !
Bep. It's no fault of mine. They've been detained by the
police because they hadn't any passports.
Ni. That's because they're so life-like. After all, it's a
compliment.
Pie. A compliment ! Yes ; but we can't dine on cold com-
pliments. (To BEPPO.) Didn't you open the figures and show
their clockwork insides ?
Bep. Yes ; but the police said that was no rule, they might
be foreigners.
Pie. Very true so they might.
Bar. Chock-full of eccentric wheels might almost be English.
What's to be done ?
Enter ELVINO and ULTRICE.
El. Here's a misfortune !
Ult. Here's a calamity !
Pie. What, another?
El. We're ruined ruined !
Bar. What is the matter with the licensed victualler ?
Ult. The Alchemist it's all over he's gone! The last
explosion did it !
El. And this (producing halfpence) is all I've been paid for
six weeks' board, lodging, and medical attendance !
Pie. It seems cheap. But you can seize his effects.
EL I've seized 'em ! Here they are (producing medicine
phial with label) all he possessed in the world a bottle of
medicine with a label on it !
Pie. What's this?
EL Read it our education's not what it was.
Pie. (pretending to read label). " Two tablespoon fuls, at
bed-time."
EL Is that all ?
Pie. Here's a greedy fellow !
EL But I say it takes a lot of writing to say that.
Pie. Well, it's a very strong medicine.
EL Oh, I see.
Ult. (aside), /don't.
Pie. (returning it). Take it.
374 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
El. Thankye; lake it yourself it will do you good.
[Exit ELVIXO, ULTRICE remains listening unobserved.
Pie. (changing his manners). Has he gone ? Come here ;
there's more in this than meets the eye !
Ni. What, more than two tablespoons ?
Pie. More than two fiddlesticks ! Listen to this*. (Reads.)
" Man is a hypocrite, and invariably affects to be better and
wiser than he really is. This liquid, which should be freely
dihited, has the effect of making every one who drinks it exactly
ivhat he pretends to be. The hypocrite becomes a man of piety ;
the swindler, a man of honour ; the quack, a man of learning ;
and the braggart, a man of war."
Ult. (aside). I thought as much this may be useful.
[Exit ULTRICE.
Pie. Now the question is what's to be done with it ?
Ni. Give some to Bartolo, and make him funny !
Bar. Naught}'- sly-boots !
Pie. Give some to Bartolo? Yes, and give some to Nita,
too. Don't you understand?
Ni. Candidly, no.
Pie. Why, the Duke and Duchess want to buy the figures,
and the figures are missing. What's to be done ? Why, it's
obvious. You and Bartolo dress and make up as the two
figures when dressed, you drink a few drops of the potion,
diluted with wine. (Tasting the cork and shuddering.} It's
it's not at all nasty and you will not only look like the two
figures, but you'll actually be the two figures clockwork
and all !
Ni. Whew ! ( Whistles.')
Bar. What! I become a doll a dandled doll? A mere
conglomerate of whizzing wheels, salad of springs and hotch-
potch of escapements ? Exchange all the beautiful things I've
got inside here for a handful of common clockwork ? It's a
large order. Perish the thought and he who uttered it !
Pie. Come, come ! The figures are our joint property, and
we are all equally interested in selling them.
Ni. That's true. Well, I've no objection. Besides, it will
be fun.
Pie. Good girl ! The potion must be diluted, so I'll pour it
into this wine-skin and we can draw it off as we want it.
(Does so.)
Ni. But stop a bit. I don't want to be clockwork all my
life ! How are we to get back again ?
Pie. I never thought of that !
&
Ni. It wouldn't do at all.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 375
Pie. Oh, not at all. Perhaps it say^. (Eefers to label.} Yes !
(Reads.) " If the charm has been misapplied, matters can be
restored to their original condition by burning this labd.^
There you are nothing could be simpler.
Ni. I say don't lose that.
Pie. Not if I know it. (Puts it in his Docket-book, wliiclt,
he places in his pocket.} I shall be back in a minute, and, in
the mean time, try and wheedle him into joining us.
[Exit PIETRO.
Bar. (who has been fuming in silence). I protest ! It is an
indignity ! I have a soul that cannot brook an indignity !
Ni. An indignity ? Nonsense just think you'll appear as
Hamlet, your favourite character, before the Duke complete
dress scene from the second act, too
Bar. Ha!
Ni. I shall be desperately in love with you and you with
me we shall bill, and we shall coo, and we shall be as happy
as two little birds.
Bar. Can clockwork coo ? A nice point.
Ni. Ah ! There was a time when you wouldn't refuse me
anything.
Bar. Yes, but then you used to coax me. I have a soul
that can do nothing unless it's coaxed.
Ni. Then sit down, and I'll coax you.
Bar. Coax me hard.
Ni. Oh, very hard ! (Business.}
Bar. Oh, coax me harder than that !
Ni. Will that do ? (Business.}
Bar. That sort of thing, prolonged indefinitely, will do.
[During this PIETRO has been occupied in hanging tin
the posters on each side of the Inn door. /'V/7
PIETRO into Inn.
SONG. NITA.
Those days of old
How mad were we
To banish !
Thy love was told,
Querido mi,
In Spanish--
And timid I,
A-flush with shame
Elysian,
Could only sigh,
ieiij comme je fa//// .'
(Parisian.)
376 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
No matter, e'en
Hadst thou been coined
A Merman,
Thou wouldst have been
Mein lieber freund
(That's German.)
Thy face, a-blaze
With loving pats,
Felt tinglish,
For in those days
I loved thee that's
Plain English !
[During this BAKTOLO has gradually yielded to NITA'S
blandishments, and at the end expresses, in gestute,
his acquiescence with her wishes. PIETRO re-enters
from Inn.
DANCING TRIO. PIETRO, NITA, AND BARTOLO.
Pie. (enters, dancing). Allow that the plan I devise
Is new and sufficiently clever
To testify joy and surprise,
Perhaps you will kindly endeavour?
Bar.andNita (dancing). With anything clever or wise,
I never should credit you never.
To testify joy and surprise,
Observe our united endeavour.
\_Dance NITA stops suddenly.
Rita. But what a catastrophe ! Stop!
[BARTOLO and PIETRO stop dancing.
I see of objections a crop.
Suppose, by some horrible fluke,
I should chance to be bought by the Duke !
Pie. (resuming Be easy, I'll certainly see
his dance). You'll never get into his clutches.
Bar. (dancing). But don't be alarmed about me
I should like to be bought by the Duchess !
I have certain society touches
That ought to appeal to a Duchess.
Though pride I abhor,
I've a "jenny say quor"
That is sure to appeal to a Duchess !
All. But don't be alarmed about | j^ 6 ' j etc.
[Dance, and dance off.
Enter TERESA.
Ter. There's absolutely no limit to the vanity of some people.
Ultrice actually believes that she has captivated Alfredo ! Ha !
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 377
ha ! ha ! Well, I'll let her remain under that fond delusion
a little longer it amuses me. When I'm tired of it, I have
only to hold up my little finger and he'll fling himself at my
feet in a moment !
BALLAD. TERESA.
When man in love-sick passion lingers,
A maid can twist him round her fingers :
A word from me
Of eloquent,
Yet maidenly
Encouragement
A faint recall
A dainty hint
That, after all,
I'm not a flint
And such permissible pretences
Will put to flight his seven senses.
Then, as he cries, " My own, for ever !
No power on earth our lives shall sever ! "
I'll answer him, with laugh provoking,
"Upon my word,
You're too absurd !
Why, bless my heart, I'm onlv joking !
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
I'm only joking ! "
Enter ALFREDO unperceived. lie overJiears the following verse.
And should that fail it doesn't often
Ilia heart by other means I'll soften :
With eyes that stream,
And tears that sob,
In joy supreme,
I'll make it throb
I'll vow his scorn
My heart will break,
And all forlorn
For his sweet sake
Which more than life itself I cherish
I'll constant live and constant perish !
Then, as he cries, "My dearest treasure,
Adored beyond all earthly measure ! "
I'll answer him (my triumph cloaking),
" Upon my word,
You're too absurd
Get up, you goose, I'm only joking !
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !
I'm only joking ! "
Alf. (coming forward recitative). Ah, cruel one !
Ter. Alfredo !
Alf, Madam, good morning ! (doing.)
373 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
DUET. TERESA AND ALFREDO.
Tcr. Oh, whither, whither, whither, do you speed you ?
Oh, hither, hither, hither, hither hie ?
Alf. Another nother nother time I'll heed you,
I've other, other, other fish to fry.
ENSEMBLE.
ALFREDO (aside). TERESA (aside).
To punish her I'll try, There's a twinkle in his eye,
I'll soften by-and-by. He'll soften by-and-by.
(Aloud.) My lady, I am sorry, but (Aloud.) I'm very, very sorry that
I've other fish to fry ! you've other fish to fry.
Tcr. A merry, merry, merry maid invites you,
Who's very, very, very short of sense.
Alf. It's flirti-flirti-flirtiness incites you,
Imperti-perti-perti-pertinence !
ENSEMBLE.
ALFREDO (aside). TERESA (aside).
Of taking some offence, He thinks me very dense,
I'm making a pretence, I see through his pretence,
I'll punish her imperti-perti-perti- (Aloud.) Oh, pardon my imperti-
pertinence ! perti-perti-pertinence !
Tcr, Now, listen to me, dear,
'Twas waywardness wilful
(In which, as you see, dear,
I'm not very skilful)
That makes you so tearful ;
Take heart, and be cheerful,
No mischief is done, dear
I was only in fun, dear !
Alf. Now, listen to me, love
My sentiments store them :
When maidens like thee, love,
On hearts that adore them
Unfeelingly trample,
They always give ample
Occasion for scorning
I bid you good morning !
Tcr. I was only in fun, dear !
Alf. I pray you take warning.
Tcr. No mischief is done, dear !
Alf. I bid you good morning !
ENSEMBLE.
ALF. (aside). TER. (furiously.)
She was only in fun I was only in fun,
No mischief is done ; But the mischief is done ;
Of taking offence Of taking offence
I am making pretence. It is not a pretence.
(Aloud.) I bid you good morning ! For he bids me good morning !
[Exit ALFREDO.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 379
RECITATIVE. TERESA.
Despised ! Rejected ! Do I wake or dream ?
By him rejected ? Oh, the shame of it !
Rather than this I'll overwhelm him with
The torrent of my passion make him think
My brain is tottering for the love of him ;
And when at last he yields to my protesting,
I'll say, " Ha ! ha ! poor fool I was but jesting ! " [Exit.
Flourish. Enter Chorus of Girls, running.
CHORUS.
Come, and take your places all,
The show is just beginning ;
Don't you hear the trumpet's call,
And" the drummer's dinning ?
Frolic, fun, and flummery
Magic, mirth, and mummery
(That's the showman's summary)
Set us all a-grinning !
[During this ALFREDO has returned, followed ly TERESA,
who expresses heart-broken passion in gesture.
Enter ULTRICE and ELVINO, who carries a theatrical cloak,
sword, hat, and lady's train.
Ult. (recit.). Allow me, madam, if you have quite done with him.
Alf. (leaving TERESA). Good morning, miss !
Ter. (enraged aside). Oh, some day I'll be one with him !
[Exit TERESA.
EL (to ALF.). Allow me. 'Twill assist your Grace
If on your noble brow I place
This hat and feather. [ALFREDO puts them on.
( To ULT.). The Duchess, perhaps, will kindly deign
To wear these jewels and this train
They go together. [ULTRICE puts them on.
[ALFREDO and ULTRICE walk pompously to seats that are
placed for them in front of the Inn door, We Chorus
curtsying with mock humility.
Chorus. Your Graces, as you wend,
We humbly bow and bend.
You look, we're quite aware,
A most imposing pair !
Ha ! ha 1 ha ! ha !
Enter procession of Tamorras, disguised as Dominican monks :
ARROSTINO as Prior.
CHAUNT.
[The Girls, 'believing the Monks to be genuine, all kneel.
Mock \
Monks r **ttameti ?r ruurtts gugra rrltquts'qur natantrum
380 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Arr. &mnt quntr ti'it in um (ijarc berfca, fcan't
gtantt 'rm).
Monks } ^^ C flcnurf ncutrtum Stc tnbartafctle namcn
2UI)frf) te (rcefe ta mosft of u Ijcrr, atrtf
J9auMc--iiutrt) ta tfjc ^fjatomen.
[The Tamorras throw off their hoods and reveal themselves.
Tamorras. Ha ! lia ! ha ! ha !
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Oh, you wicked,
Base deceiving
It's distressing !
It's degrading ;
We are tricked
Through believing,
Never guessing
Masquerading !
Friars mocking !
Goodness gracious ;
What a wrong, sir !
Why, how dare you V
It is shocking !
It's audacious !
Go along, sir !
I can't bear you !
Men. It is wicked ha ! ha ! ha !
They are tricked ha ! ha ! ha !
All. This disguising
Is surprising,
Friars mocking,
It is shocking
It is blameful
It is shameful
It is shameful
Ha! ha! ha!
Enter MISESTRA, disguised as a very old woman.
Min. Come and listen, pretty ladies
Cross my hand with maravedis
For to prophesy my trade is,
And my prophecies are sound.
Fear no trick or double-dealing
I am clever at revealing,
Neither good nor ill concealing.
So, my pretties, gather round.
[The Girls gather round her to have their fortunes told.
MINESTRA throws off her hood and reveals herself.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 381
Alt. They J are trickfed ha ! ha ! ha !
It is wicked ba ! ha ! ha !
This disguising
Is surprising :
Ladies mocking !
Conduct shocking !
It is blameful- -
It is shameful-
It is blameful ha ! ha ! ha !
[During the above PIETRO lias brought on BARTOLO and
NIT A made up as wax-work figures of Hamlet and
Ophelia.
SOLO. PIETRO.
Now, all you pretty villagers who haven't paid, stand you aside,
And listen to a tragic tale of love, despair, and suicide.
The gentleman's a noble prince a marvel of ventriloquy
Unhappily afflicted with a mania for soliloquy.
The lady is the victim of the God of Love tyrannical
You see it in her gestures, which are morbidly mechanical ;
He's backed himself at heavy odds, in proof of his ability
That he'll soliloquize her into utter imbecility.
She wildly begs him to desist appeals to his humanity,
But all in vain observe her eyes a-goggling with insanity.
He perseveres, improving the occasion opportunatic
She sticks straws in her hair he's won his wager she's a lunatic !
[During this, BARTOLO and NITA have gone through the
movements described in a ridiculously jerky and
mechanical fashion.
ENSEMBLE.
CHORUS.- -TERESA AND ULTUICE.
CHORUS. TER. (to ALF.).
Astonishing, To thee I cling
What science can contrive ! To gain thy love I strive ;
In everything My heart you wring,
You'd think they were alive. I shall not long survive !
Her lovely face
Her eloquent despair ! ULT.
His princely grace, From his embrace
His beautiful back hair. Thyself directly tear,
Or I'll deface
Thy beautiful back hair !
Alf. Appreciation of such skill
Should not be shown by stealth.
Jn bumpers round (I'll pay the bill),
We'll drink the showman's health.
[Taking up wine- skin which PIETRO left at entrance
to Inn.
382 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
This wine-skin I devote to you,
We'll drink it till it's dry.
I'm sure that's what the Duke would do,
Were he as pleased as I !
All. Hurrah !
I'm sure that's what the Duke would do,
Were he as pleased as I !
Fie. (horrified). Beware!
That wine is mine,
You must not drink it.
Alf. Forbear !
I pay my way !
You may not think it !
[Gives money to PIETKO.
Pic. Take care !
The wine is poisoned, on my word rely,
And he who drinks in agony will die !
Commencing with a gentle pain
Scarce worth a question,
It grows apace, till you complain
Of indigestion.
Then follows an internal fire
That scorns emulsions,
Until, ere nightful, you expire
In fierce convulsions !
All. Ha ! ha !
An idle tale we think it !
Ho ! ho !
We saw you freely drink it
[During this ALFREDO lias filled a number of goblets with
wine from the wine-skin, and handed them round to
ARROSTINO and the Male Chorus.
A(f. It can't be worse than 'Vino's wine accurst
If we're to die of it, be thou the first !
[Dratus sword and offers cup to PIETRO. During this
the two figures express galvanic agitation.
Pic. I can't obey you !
All. Drink !
Alf. Come, why delay you?
All. Drink !
Pie. I beg I pray you !
All. Drink !
Alf. Quick, or I'll slay you !
All. Drink !
[During this ELVINO has poured the wine down PIETRO'S
throat. PIETRO immediately begins to feel the effect
of the ivine, ivhich he described as poison, and which
has become poison to him.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 383
Alf. Ob, ye who are weary of life,
Don't trifle with pistol and knife
This potion is far from amiss ;
If you've ducats of gold in your purse,
Why, then, you may surely do worse
Than die of such poison as this !
C/ionis. Oh, ye who arc weary of life, etc.
[During this, TERESA has pretended to fall insensible at
ALFREDO'S feet. lie supports her, and supposing
that she has fainted, pours some of the wine down
her throat. All the others (except the Chorus of
Girls) raise the' cups to their lips, and drink as the
Act Drop falls.
ACT II.
SCENE. Exterior of Monastery by moonlight. Mountain range
and river in distance.
KISOTTO discovered.
His. {looking at watch). Now, Minestra, where are you ?
This is the appointed spot, and you are not here. Dear, dear,
dear ! She never kept me waiting before. (Looking off.) Ah, I
see her ! Here she comes, toddling along like an old lady of
eighty ! What a thorough little artist it is ! She keeps up
the character even when she thinks no one is looking !
Enter MINESTRA, now really transformed into an old crone.
My darling, you're late. Why what a wonderful disguise !
I never saw anything more perfect in my life ! I can hardly
believe that this is my pretty, dainty, delicate, little bride !
Min. Oh, Risotto, don't be angry with your little wifey, but
something terrible has happened I I can't get it off!
liis. Can't get what off, my pet ?
Min. The make-up ! I lined my face, just as you told me
and and now they're real wrinkles !
His. (examining her face). What !
Min. Then you told me to cover my teeth with cobbler's
wax. They've all come out ! Then you told me to pretend I
had gout and rheumatism and I've got 'em ! Ugh ! (Groaning.')
His. But, my dearest girl
Min. Then my hair ! Oh, my poor hair !
His. It's a capital wig.
Min. That's it it's not "a wig ! It's my own, and it won't
come off and I hate it !
384 THE MOUNTEBANKS,.
His. This is a most remarkable circumstance. How did it
happen ?
Min. After I had dressed myself as an old woman we all
drank some wine out of the conjuror's wine-skin, and I gradually
became an old lady of seventy-four !
Eis. This is most embarrassing. I may say, most dis-
appointing. On one's wedding-day, too !
Min. My poor husband, I'm so sorry for you ! But I'm an
old woman, and you won't be troubled with me long; that's
one comfort for you.
Eis. Yes I mean, no. I I trust that, notwithstanding
this this modification of the implied terms of our agreement
there are many years of of yes, bliss in store for us.
(Aside.} If it had only happened yesterday, it wouldn't have
mattered so much !
Min. Of course, you won't love your little woman now!
Eis. Oh, I beg your pardon. I shall have much pleasure in
in showing you every attention compatible with the the
respect due to a lady of your advanced years, my my pet !
DUET. RISOTTO AND MIXESTRA.
Min. I'd be a young girl if I could !
Ris. You're very good you're very good ;
But that unlikely I'm afraid is !
Min. I'd be as lovely as a rose !
Jiis. So I suppose so I suppose.
And so, no doubt, would most old ladies !
J/m. I'll rouge my face, make up my eyes,
With cunning dyes with cunning dyes
My venerable looks anointing.
I'll try my best your heart to thrill.
liis. I'm sure you will, my love, but still
It is a little disappointing !
It is a little
Min. Just a little
Ris. Yes, a little
Both. Little little disappointing !
Ris. You're certain that you're wide awake ?
There's no mistake there's no mistake ?
Your rugged wrinkles you can't thin off ?
Min. I've scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed away
For half a day, for half a day,
Until I've almost scrubbed the skin off !
So gouty and rheumatic I,
That though I try, that though I try,
I scarce can fasten my shoe-buckles.
Ris. (looking at her fingers). My bride could write (so gouty she)
" No Popery ! No Popery ! "
On all the walls with all her knuckles !
It is a little
THE MOUNTEBANKS, 385
Min. Just a little
His. Yes, a little
Both. Little little disappointing !
{Exit RISOTTO, slowly and despondingly.
Min. It's a sad thing to be transformed into an old woman
in the very flower of one's life ! Ah, deary me ! this is but a
dismal wedding-day! Why, who comes here? Teresa, as I
live and crying too ! What has she to cry for ? She's young
enough, I'm sure !
Enter TEEESA. (Jler manner suggests that she is crazed.}
RECITATIVE AND SONG. TERESA.
All alone to my eerie I wander aweary,
A desolate maid of her lover bereft ;
What matter ? 'tis only a heart that is lonely
A-many the maids that a lover has left !
BALLAD.
Whispering breeze,
Bring me my dear !
Wind-shaken trees,
Beckon him here !
Rivulet, hie
Prithee go see-
Birds, as ye fly,
Call him to me !
Tell him the tale of the tears that I shed-
Tell him I die for the love that is dead !
Heart that in jest
Laughed him to scorn,
Now in my breast
Lying forlorn
Idle to plead !
Cherish thy chain
Thou shall be freed
Never again !
My heart it is sad and a- weary my head,
For I weep and I die for the love that is dead !
[She sinks, weeping, on a seat.
Min. Why, take heart, little one ! What ails thee ? Come,
tell me thy sorrow. I'm an old body now, but time was when
I was as young as thou art and not so long since, either !
Ter. Oh, mother, mother, I think I am bewitched !
Min. (aside). Here's another !
Ter. 1 am as though in a dream ! Shall I tell thee ? Yes,
for thou hast a kindly old face. To serve an unworthy end I
must needs feign to be going mad for the love of Alfredo, and
so feigning, I fell at his feet. He, thinking I had swooned in
good sooth, placed a wine-cup to my lips, and I drank, and oh,
in. 2 c
3S6 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
mother, it must have been some love-philtre, for, behold, a
wondrous change came over me, and he who was naught to me
before became as the very breath of my life !
Min. Well, the potion has done thee good service, for he's a
good lad, and will make thee a strapping husband.
Ter. Nay, herein is the mischief of it it was too late, for he
had already given his heart to another, and would none of me,
and I, whose very soul is possessed by my love of him, have
retained the village fiddler to compose crazy love-songs for me
to sing when occasion ariseth, for I am going mad mad mad
and be a girl never so crazy, her songs should be in accord-
ance with the rules of thorough-bass.
Min. Ha ! Now, mark me that mountebanking fellow is
at the bottom of this. Why, he hath also bewitched me!
Ter. Thou? Thou lovest not Alfredo ?
Min. A fig for Alfredo; Why, look at me, child; I am
Minestra !
Ter. (looking at her). Thou Minestra, who was married this
morning? Nay, I am mad; but not so mad as that ! Minestra
is young and rather pretty not so pretty as I, but still pretty
whereas thou art oh ! I ask pardon my brain wanders
wanders wanders !
Min. I am Minestra, I tell thee. For a purpose also an
unworthy one I feigned to be an old dame, and so feigning, I
drank and, hang the knave, I am seventy !
Ter. Thou Minestra? Why, let me look! As I live, it is
true! Oh, poor, poor Kisotto !
Min. Even so ; thy pity is for him not for me. No matter.
But if I can find this Jack-pudding, trust me, I'll make him
set matters straight again. Oh, I have as much to regain as
thou!
DUET. MlNESTKA AND TERESA.
Min. If I can catch this jolly Jack- Patch
Ter. Ah, me ! my heart is weary, oh !
Min. He'll go for a year with a flea in his ear !
Ter. And my days are dark and dreary, oh !
Min. He'll find his joke is a pig in a poke
Ter. For love my soul is aching, oh !
Min. Though scarce a score, I'm seventy-four !
Ter. And my heart, my heart is breaking, oh !
Min. When a woman has come to seventy year
It's well to be withered and old and blear ;
But when she is only a score like me,
It's better a fair young girl to be !
Ter. ' lis well to be young when all is well,
And lovers are true to the tales they tell ;
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 387
But ah ! when love is a upas tree,
Tis better an aged dame to be !
[Exeunt together.
Symphony. Enter BARTOLO and NITA (still as waxwork
Hamlet and Ophelia). They walk down the stage
mechanically, as though controlled by clockwork. Their
keys are fitted with keyholes in the small of their backs.
Each ivears a placard inscribed " Put a penny in the slot."
DUET. BABTOLO AND NITA.
Bar. If our action's stiff and crude,
Do not laugh because it's rude.
Ni. If our gestures promise larks,
Do not make unkind remarks.
Bar. Clockwork figures may be found
Everywhere and all around.
Ni. Ten to one, if we but knew,
You are clockwork figures too.
Bar. And the motto of the lot,
Ni. " Put a penny in the slot !
Ni, Usurer, for money lent,
Making out his cent, per cent.
Bar. Widow plump or maiden rare,
Deaf and dumb to suitor's prayer
Ni. Tax collectors, whom in vain
You implore to " call again"
Bar. Cautious voter, whom you find
Slow in making up his mind.
Ni. If you'd move them on the spot,
Bar. Put a penny in the slot !
Bar. Bland reporters in the courts.
Who suppress police reports
Ni. Sheriff's yeoman, pen in fist,
Making out a jury list
Bar. Stern policemen, tall and spare,
Acting all " upon the square"
Ni. (Which in words that plainer fall
Means that you can square them all)
Bar. If you want to move the lot,
Ni. Put a penny in the slot !
Bar. Nita.
Ni. Well?
Bar. This is a very uncomfortable state of things.
Ni. Very. How do you find your clockwork this evening?
Bar. Ticking, ticking, thank you. And you ?
Ni. I fancy I want regulating.
Bar. Eh?
Ni. I think I'm rather fast.
388 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Bar. Nita, you surprise and shock me.
Ni. Mechanically speaking, I mean.
Bar. Oh, I take you. This condition of existence is rather
degrading. We are quite common clockwork, I believe ?
Ni. Mere Geneva. The cheapest thing in the trade.
Bar. So I was given to understand.
Ni. It might have been worse. We might have been
Waterbury, with interchangeable iusides.
Bar. That's true. But when I remember the delicately-
beautiful apparatus with which I was filled from head to foot
and which never, never ticked when I contemplate the
exquisite adjustment of means to end which never, never
wanted oiling I am shocked to think that I am reduced to a
mere mechanical complication of arbors, pallets, wheels, main-
springs, and escapements !
Ni. Still you were always complaining. You never were
quite well.
Bar. Because I eat too much.
Ni. That's true.
Bar. Never weary of putting into operation the exquisitely-
beautiful apparatus of digestion, I over-taxed its powers. I was
a scientific enthusiast, and I over-did it. Still, it is something
to have an apparatus that never, never aches. I I hallo !
Ni. What's the matter ?
Bar. (very slowly}. I beg your pardon. I think I
must be running down. May I trouble you? They've
thoughtlessly put the key-hole in the small of my back
and I can't get at it. (NiTA ivinds him up.) Thank you.
That's very nice, indeed. Now I can go on again. Hallo !
c'ck! c'ck! c'ck!
Ni. What's wrong now ?
Bar. I c'ck c'ck I am not conversant with clockwork ;
but do you feel, from time to time, a kind of jerkiness that
catches you just here ?
Ni. No; I work as smooth as butter. The continued ticking
is tiresome ; but it's only for an hour.
Bar. The ticking is simply maddening. C'ck ! c'ck ! There
it is again !
Ni. Something wrong with your works, I'm afraid. Stop a
bit I'll see. {Opens door in chest, revealing a quantity of
clockwork.) No ; all right there. Turn round. (He does so ;
she opens door in the back of his head.) No ; the head appears
to be empty. (Opens door in his side.) I see what it is ; a
halfpenny has got into your escapement. Stop a bit! (Takes
out halfpenny.)
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 389
Bar. Bless ray heart, how dangerous! What a relief!
Thank you very much. You may keep it for your trouble;
but do not oh, do not spend it in foolishness.
Ni. While I'm about it, I'll just oil you, and then {Pro-
ceeds to oil his works with a feather}.
Bar. (squirming}. Don't ! You tickle !
Enter PIETRO, looking very ill.
Pie. (not seeing them). The Duke and Duchess will be here
iu half an hour their escort is already in sight. Dying by
slow poison is a very painful process, and I couldn't have held
out much longer. (Sees them.) Nita! what are you doing ?
Ni. I'm oiling Bartolo.
Bar. I am being oiled by Nitn, and she does tickle ! I don't
like it. At least I do like it, but it's wrong.
Pie. How dare you take such a liberty? Shut the gentle-
man up at once. .Nice occupation for a young lady !
Ni. But there's something wrong with his works.
Pie. That's no affair of yours. If Bartolo's works are out of
order, that is a matter for Bartolo's medical attendant I mean
his clockmaker. Don't let me catch you oiling him again.
Ni. Ha! ha ! ha!
Pie. If this occurs again, I'll take both your keys away
upon my word I will !
TRIO. BARTOLO, NITA, AND PIETRO.
Bar. When gentlemen are eaten up with jealousy,
They make themselves exceedingly ridiculous,
For everything around they tinted yellow see
Their antics and extravagances tickle us.
Their antics and extravagances
Tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic
They tic-tic, tic-tic, tickle us !
All. They tic-tic, etc.
-XI. Here's a gentleman, as fierce as a Mahometan.
So carried off by jealousy vehicular,
He's down on an unfortunate Automaton :
Some people are so terribly particular !
Some people are too terribly
Partic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic
Partic-tic, tic-tic, ticular !
All. Partic-tic, tic-tic, etc.
Pie. When a lady is disposed to be tyrannical,
She's equal to unlimited iniquity :
And flirting may be flirting, though mechanical
A fact that has the sanction of antiquity
390 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Antic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic
Antic-tic, tic-tic, tiquity !
All. Antic-tic, etc,
[Exeunt NIT A and BARTOLO at opposite entrances, walk-
ing mechanically to symphony. PIETRO accompany-
ing NIT A.
Enter from monastery a procession of Tamorras (noio trans-
formed into Dominican Monks) chaunting from 'black-letter
volumes ; ARROSTINO as the Prior.
CHAUNT.
rljcre toarf toljeu earthly j0j>
0ur 3eue full cmplog ;
3En tf)03e fcawtf, far ebcr gone,
, I)0fo) toe rarrtrtr on !
Clm&tng gTa^cS
Hcbcl ^ ear to
parfu
tarantella !
3E tI;0)Sc Uaws?, for rbcr
3Sle^ it)S, ^nb toe rarrtctr 0n
(Confidentially to audience)
It's a most unaccountable thing
An hour ago, as banditti,
We played like young lovers in spring,
The mischief in village and city ;
But since \ve got merry and mellow
On the wine of that conjuring fellow,
Transmogrified we're
Into friars austere,
Unwashed and unpleasantly yellow !
Whatever j r ou say or you sing,
It's a most unaccountable thing !
Enter Chorus of Girls, from various directions.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
After a weary search
Hiding, at last, we find you ;
Leaving us in the lurch
Isn't good breeding, mind you.
Offer apologee
We shall want some persuading ;
When do you think you'll be
Tired of masquerading ?
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 391
[During this chorus, the Girls have been endeavouring to
induce the Monks to pay them attentions. The
Monks, hoivever, have kept their eyes studiously on
their looks.
Arr. These blandishments I pray you curb,
Nor think us churls nor think us churls ;
Our pious calm do not disturb,
Now there's good girls now there's good girls !
Though our emotions, as you see,
We try to freeze we try to freeze !
We don't, as yet, pretend to be
St. Anthonies St. Anthonies ;
So go along nor think us churls.
Now there's good girls now there's good girls !
The Girls. Ah, cruel ones !
Time was, your love was stronger !
Ah, cruel ones !
You love us then no longer !
Monks. It's a most unaccountable thing
(confidingly to Girls). An hour ago, as banditti,
We played like young lovers in spring,
The mischief in village and city.
But since we got merry and mellow
On the wine of that conjuring fellow,
Transmogrified we're
Into friars austere,
Unwashed and unpleasantly yellow !
All. Whatever you say or sing,'
It's a most unaccountable thing !
Enter PIETRO, still very ill.
All (seeing him). Ah !
What does this mean what have you done ?
Do not attempt away to run
Nor questions try to parry.
The men to whom < .? e | were betrothed,
r,., e > find as holy friars clothed,
Who mustn't ever marry !
Who mustn't ever marry !
Pie. Now I'll explain,
(If calm you'll be)
As well as I can
Though I'm in pain
And ought to see
A medical man.
RECITATIVE. PIETRO.
My worthy friends, the wine you chose to drink
Makes every one what he pretends to be ;
392 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
You personated monks, and monks you are,
And will be monks until the spell's removed.
All. Oh, horror !
Oh, horror and despair unprecedented !
Girls. But how long must they wait to dreary cell,
To life-long celibacy sternly vowed ?
Men. Yes, say how long ?
Pie. Have patience, for I hold the antidote,
[Producing pocket-book.
And in an hour or two, or thereabouts,
The spell shall be removed, and you may wed
As quickly and as often as you please !
All. Oh, rapture !
Oh, rapture, joy, and bliss unprecedented !
Chorus of Girls An hour ! 'twill rapidly pass,
(dancing}. Our freedom we then shall recover ;
Each lover will welcome his lass
Each lass will return to her lover !
The bells for our wedding will chime,
Delight in each bosom implanting,
So, gentlemen, in the mean time,
Proceed, if you please, with your chaunting !
ENSEMBLE.
MEN. GIRLS.
Earthly pleasures that allure, An hour ! 'twill rapidly pass,
For an hour we abjure, etc. Our freedom we then shall
recover, etc.
[Exeunt Girls. Manent ARROSTINO, GIORGIO, LUIGI,
and Monks.
Arr. This is a remarkable change, my son. A great improve-
ment on our recent condition. Devoted as we now are to a life
of contemplation restricted by the rules of our order to a diet
of bread and herbs and not much of that indigestion and its
attendant inconveniences will be matters of tradition.
Lui. Still, it must be admitted that the old life was a pleasant
one!
Arr. Yes, we had a jolly time of it while it lasted. {Correct-
ing himself.} I should say that worldly allurements have the
faculty of enlivening their devotees for the moment, but the
evening's enjoyment seldom bears the morning's reflection, and
the choicest banquet is but a feast of Dead Sea apples which
turn to ashes in the mouth !
Oio. Under the circumstances, we might have spared our-
selves the trouble of luring the Duke and Duchess to the
monastery.
Arr. No no, I think not. It is true that, having regard
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 393
to our present condition, we are bound to receive our dis-
tinguished guests with scrupulous hospitality, but an hour will
soon pass, and we shall then, unhappily, lapse once more into
the deplorable condition of being able to avail ourselves of any
small change their Highnesses may happen to have about them.
It is dreadful to think of, but that's what we shall be in about
an hour. [LuiGi ascends to balcony of monastery.
RECITATIVE.
Lui. The Duke and Duchess hither wend their ways,
Shall we receive them with a song of praise ?
Arr. With glad acclaim we'll make the welkin ring,
The only question is what shall we sing?
CHORUS.
We know no song
That fits a throng
Of friars smug and greasy :
Our worldly lays
Of bygone days
Are much too free and easy ;
Though suited to
A bandit crew,
They're not at all monastic.
And can't be sung
By sober tongue
Of mild ecclesiastic.
Arr. Stout-hearted be !
So many here
We need not fear
The ordeal before us ;
No single word
Is ever heard
When singers sing in chorus.
So sing with me
Enter ALFREDO, dressed magnificently as the DuJce, supporting
MINESTRA, who is apparently insensible.
All. La la la la la,
La la la, etc.
Duke (very impressively). La la la la la,
La la la, etc.
[TJie Monks are much impressed with ALFREDO'S reply
and express in gestures their satisfaction with the
sentiments he has expressed.
All. La la la la, etc.
[Exeunt all the Monks except ARROSTINO, GIORGIO, and
LUIGI.
Alf. (to ARROSTINO). May I ask if you are the Prior of this
monastery ?
394 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Arr. "Well, I am and I am not. That is, I am now, but I
wasn't an hour ago.
Alf. I see a recent appointment.
Arr. Yes, for an hour. Present tense, I am a Prior. Imperfect
tense, I was a rollicking young rantipole. Future tense, I shall
be a rollicking young rantipole in an hour. I hope I make
myself clear ?
Alf. Perfectly. (Aside.} Very like my own case. (Aloud.) I
found this poor old lady almost insensible at the foot of the
mountain. She had just strength enough to beg me to bring
her here to you.
Arr. Exactly. You call her an old lady. Well, she is an
old lady, and she isn't an old lady. Present tense, she is an old
lady. Imperfect tense, she was a young lady.
Alf. Of course she was.
Arr. Ah ! but, Future tense, she will be a young lady again
in an hour. That's the curious part of it. (To MINESTRA.)
Go in, my dear I should say my aged sister and we will take
every care of you. [LuiGi carries MINESTRA into monastery.
Alf. You are very good.
Arr. Well, I am, and I am not. Present tense, I am very
good. Imperfect tense, I was confoundedly bad. Future tense,
I shall be confoundedly bad again in an hour.
Alf. We are fortunate in having dropped in upon you during
your virtuous phase.
LUIGI re-enters.
Arr. Particularly so. It's altogether a curious state of
things. I'm such a creature of habit that I find it difficult to
remember that I am no longer a rantipole. For instance, I see
you have a watch. Perhaps it is a valuable watch. Don't tell
me it is ; 1 would rather not know. Now, you can't imagine
how difficult I find it not to take that watch. Oh, I know it's
wrong; but then I always knew that. (Adopting a clerical
manner.) By the way, I am collecting a few gold watches to
send out to the poor naked savages of (Aside.) No, hang it
all, let the man alone ; you ought to be ashamed of yourself !
(Aloud.) Pardon me, your handkerchief's hanging out. Will you
oblige me by putting it out of sight ? (ALFREDO does so.) Thank
you, thank you so much ! Temptation, you know, temptation !
We are all weak, and it is sometimes difficult to resist.
Alf. (aside). Singular character, this Prior. (Aloud.) Of
course I am prepared to give a donation to this monastery in
consideration of your taking charge of the old lady. (Feeling for
his purse.) By-the-by, where's my purse ?
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 305
Arr., Gio., and Lui. (fatting on their knees). Not guilty,
your worship !
Alf. Of course not. Ha ! ha ! (Finds it.) Oh, here it is !
All. Ha! ha! ha!
Arr. Yes, but you frightened us !
Alf. Allow me to present this sum to the funds of the
monastery.
Arr. No, thank ye ; I'd rather not. Here, give it to Father
Luigi. [Exit ARROSTINO into monastery.
Lui. No, thank ye ; not for me. Father Giorgio will take it.
[Exit into monastery.
Gio. Oh no ; Father Giorgio won't. Father Giorgio's a good
little boy now for an hour. [Exit into monastery.
Alf. This is an unaccountable state of things! To please
Elvino I pretended to be a Duke, and I selected Ultrice as my
Duchess. We drank the wine and we became a Duke and
Duchess in real earnest, and, what is odder still, that unpleasant
young person exercises an extraordinary fascination over me ;
while Teresa, whom I used to love so passionately, has completely
faded out of my recollection.
Enter TERESA, crazed.
SONG. TERESA.
Willow, willow, where's my love '?
Lovers ways are mazy ;
All who hear me,
Much I fear me,
Think I'm going crazy.
Willow, willow, where's my love ?
Waiting I, and weary-
Willow, willow, where's my love ?
Where's my duck- a-deary ?
Ter. 'Tis but a silly song, and passing dear at the ducat I
paid for it. They think anything is good enough for a mad
maiden to sing; but though the maid be mad, her ducats are
sound, and good gold should buy good wares, and there are
none so mad but that they want value for cash !
Alf. Teresa!
Ter. (not recognizing him). My lord Duke, is it not ? My
service to your Grace and to your Grace's bravery. (Kissing his
cloak.) In good sooth, these are fine trappings, but they'll
not trap me, for I love a lad who will none of me ! My song-
says he's my duck-a-deary, which is true, in fact ; but the
expression is weak, and I am not yet mad enough for it. But
I shall be, soon I shall be, soon !
396 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Alf. Teresa ! do you not know Alfredo, who used to love you
so dearly?
Ter. Alfredo ! Alfredo ! It is it is ha ! ha ! ha ! (About
to embrace him.')
Alf. Don't. That I cannot permit. Under the circumstances,
it would be in the last degree unbecoming.
Ter. Oh, I had forgotten! Thou lovest another now a
plain girl, compared with me. Methinks thou too must be mad
to take up with such a one! But we are all mad all all
mad.
Alf. I sometimes think so too. But take heart, little one ;
it is true I love thee not, for I have a bride, and no married
man ever loves anybody but his wife.
Ter. I am not so mad but that I know that. Why, I learnt
it at school ! But thou art like the rest thou thinkest that
any truism is good enough for a mad girl !
Alf. As I was saying, take heart, for although you are
nothing to me now, yet I have ascertained that this spell under
which we all labour will be removed in an hour, and I shall
then love you as dearly, as passionately as heretofore !
Ter. Is this indeed so ? In one brief hour ? No, no ; I dare
not believe it !
DUET. ALFREDO AND TERESA.
Alf. In days gone by,
But soon to come again,
With ardour pure
I used to pine,
And strove to lure
That heart of thine
With all my might and main.
I know not why,
But now, for thee, I find
I do not care :
To be exact,
Thy beauty rare
Does not attract
To all thy charms I'm blind !
But take good heart an hour will pass amain,
And all my love will then come back again !
Ter. In days gone by
1 played an idle part :
With scornful smile,
And heartless jest
And worldly guile,
Made manifest,
I grieved thy faithful heart.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 397
How chcinged am I !
The love I dared decline,
Is now the breath
Of life to me.
And till kind death
Shall set me free
My love shall live for thine !
Be brave, poor heart an hour will pass amain,
And all his love will then come back again !
Enter ULTRICE.
RECITATIVE.
Ult. So, I have found you !
Alf. (leaving TERESA, and rushing to ULTRICE, as though under the
influence of a spell}.
Passionately loved one !
Thy dainty hand I kiss I mean the gloved one !
Oh, thou adored with passion most romantic !
Worshipped with all the fire of frenzy frantic !
For one short hour my love consent to share it
It won't last longer than an hour I swear it !
ENSEMBLE.
ULT. (aside). ALF. (aside). TER.
The days of scorn are The scorn I felt is An hour will soon have
p as t past passed
With passion he's de- With passion I'm With passion I'm de-
mented ! demented ! mented !
Triumphant I, at last ! But still, it will not It won't much longer
My heart is now con- last last
tented. With that I'll be With that I'll be con-
A suppliant at my feet, contented. tented.
Thanks to the wizard's A suppliant at her feet, Though he is at her
potion Thanks to the feet,
With insolence I'll treat wizard's potion Thanks to the
His newly-born devo- An hour and obsolete wizard's potion
tion. My newly-born de- An hour and obsolete
votion ! His newly-born de-
votion !
\Exit ALFREDO into monastery. TERESA attempts to
follow him ; she is stopped by ULTRICE, who sends
her off in the opposite direction. ULTRICE remains.
RECITATIVE. ULTRICE.
An hour V Nay, nay
A lifetime rather that is as I will.
His love is mine yes, mine alone, until
His dying day !
398 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Go, cheat yourselves with promises, poor fools !
I hold the talisman that overrules
The potion's power ! (Producing the pocket-book.)
I found the conjuror sleeping and alone
I stole it ! It's mine ! my very own !
Alfredo, till he dies, shall wear my gyves !
An hour ? Poor fools, that hour shall last your lives !
Ha ! ha ! an hour ! [Exit.
Enter all the Chorus of Girls, running. ALFREDO comes out of
monastery and joins ULTRICE. He is followed by all the
Monks. Enter, also, PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA, the two
last still as clocJcivork figures.
Chorus of Oh, please you not to go away
Girls. Until you've seen the clockwork play.
Two figures carry on the plot,
And one's a man the other's not.
They're full of complicated springs,
And weights, and wheels, and catgut strings
You wind 'em up, just in the back,
With cracky, cracky, cracky, crack
Then all the wheels, revolving quick,
Go ticky, ticky, ticky, tick
And then the figures eat and drink,
And walk and talk, and wink and think,
And quarrel, just like lovers twain,
And kiss and make it up again.
AH. It's very true, and very quaint
The one's a man, the other ain't.
You wind 'em up, just in the back,
With cracky, cracky, cracky, crack
And all the wheels, revolving quick,
Go ticky, ticky, ticky, tick.
It's very true it's very quaint
The one's a man the other ain't !
[During this, PIETRO has been dusting and arranging the
figures, ivho have entered, jerkily, into the spirit of
the chorus.
Pie. (coming forward). May it please your Graces
These are figures two,
Who, in port and paces,
Show you something new.
Note their human faces,
And the things they do ;
We've reserved front places
(Recognizing them.} Hallo ! Why, it's you !
( To the others.) Alfredo and Ultrice ! Peasants two !
All. Oh !
What do you mean by this sheer audacity ?
What do you mean by this ill-timed joke?
How do you dare defy veracity ?
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 399
Ult. Spare your unrestrained loquacity,
Listen while we the truth uncloke.
At 'Vino's base design
The Duke and Duchess aping
We drank the cursed wine,
For which we all were gaping.
Then all at once we fell
Into the wizard's clutches,
Who changed us, strange to tell,
To genuine Duke and Duchess.
All. But
Ult. Don't ask for further details cease your chatter ;
We've told you all we know about the matter.
[Exeunt ALFREDO and ULTRICE.
Chorus, We may as well restrain our useless chatter ;
They've told us all they know about the matter !
Pie. (despondingly). There's only one thing to be done,
Destroy the antidote by fierce ignition,
And thereby bring back every one
To his (or her) original condition !
All. Hurrah !
The Men, Sandal and robe we gladly lose,
Here is an end to our calling clerical.
The Girls. Now they may marry whenever they choose,
All of us are with joy hysterical.
Bar. and We shall be human, body and limb,
Nita. Happy to think our state is curable.
Pie. I shall be free from these tortures grim ;
They're getting exceedingly unendurable !
All. Hurrah! [PIETRO feels for jwckct-book.
Quick, quick the antidote ! [He can't find it.
How horrified you look !
Pie, I had it in this coat
Safe in my pocket-book. [Feeling for it.
The truth I must admit,
Some thief has stolen it !
All. Oh, horror !
Accursed sorcerer ! [Threateningly to PIETRO.
Thou demon-leagued traitor !
Ill-omened harbinger !
Low-born equivocator !
This is a hideous plot
To rob us of our senses
Restore us on the spot,
Or dread the consequences !
[Exeunt all but PIETRO, BARTOLO, and NITA. PIETRO
sits in great pain and distress. BARTOLO and NITA
make ineffective attempts to move and speak, but they
have " run down"
400 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Pie. (observing their efforts'). Now, then, what's wrong with
you ? Oh, I see. (Winds them up.)
.Bar. Upon my honour, this is a pretty state of
things. Clockwork for life, I suppose ! It's monstrous
outrageous ! What's to become of Nita, and, above
all, what's to become of me ?
Ni. Well, a nice mess you've made of this ; to go and
lose the only thing that could bring us back to life
again. What do you mean by it, you ridiculous old
donkey?
Pie. What do you want ?
Ni. Why, if I'm to be Ophelia for the rest of my life, it
would be convenient to know what Ophelia did.
Bar. She coaxed Hamlet, a good deal.
Pie. Nothing of the kind ; she committed suicide because
Hamlet wouldn't marry her.
Ni. What lately?
Pie. Lately ! Several hundred years ago. (NiTA and BAR-
TOLO turn and ivalk rapidly up stage.} Where are you
going ?
Ni. We're going back several hundred years.
Pie. It's not necessary. You can do it here. (NiTA begins
to cry.)
Bar. I have it. If Hamlet had married Ophelia she wouldn't
have committed suicide.
Pie. Well? What then?
Bar. What then ? Why ; if I marry her at once the motive
for the act will be removed !
Pie. Nonsense ! Hamlet and Ophelia never married. It
would be trifling with the text.
Bar. Anyhow, it's a new reading. What ! am I to be the
only Hamlet who is not permitted to discover new readings ?
Bah!
TRIO. PIETRO, NITA, AND BARTOLO.
Pic. Ophelia was a daintly little maid,
Who loved a very melancholy Dane ;
Whose affection of the heart, so it is said,
Preceded his affection of the brain.
Heir-apparent to the Crown,
He thought lightly of her passion.
Having wandered up and down,
In an incoherent fashion,
When she found he wouldn't wed her,
In a river, in a meadder,
Took a header, and a deader
Was Ophelia !
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 401
Ophelia to her sex was a disgrace,
Whom nobody could feel compassion for.
Ophelia should have gone to Ely Place
To consult an eminent solicitor.
When such promises as these
Breaks a suitor, rich and regal,
Why, substantial damages
Is the panacea legal
From a jury sons of Adam,
Though as stony as Macadam,
Maid or madam, she'd have had 'em,
Would Ophelia !
Bar. There's a venerable proverb in my mind,
Which applies to this catastrophe, I think,
To a horse who is unfortunately blind
Any nod is just as good as any wink.
Opportunity I'll seize
Of avoiding any error :
Of substantial damages
I have always had a terror.
That calamity to parn r
Not a moment will I tarry,
Off I'll carry and I'll marry
Poor Ophelia !
[Exeunt BARTOLO and NITA. As they go off, PIETRO
dyly steals their respective keys, and goes off trium-
phantly in the opposite direction.
Enter ULTRICE and TERESA.
Ult. She comes ! Ah, Madame Jilt !
Oh, crazy insolent ! Ah, wonder as thou wilt,
Thy scornful head is bent !
Ter. Ultrice ! Ultrice !
Ult. Ah, cruel one !
Thou knowest now
The torture of a love that's gone astray !
Ter. Ah ! spare me !
Ult. Thou knowest now
The fate of those who will not when they may
Ter. Ah ! spare me !
Ult . Thou knowest now
The sting of jealousy's envenomed dart.
Ter. Ah ! spare me !
Ult. Thou knowest now
The deadly famine of a hungry heart.
Ter. Ah ! spare me !
Farewell, Alfredo ! [Turning to ULTRICE.
Ere deathly cold
I lie on yonder strand
III. 2 D
402 THE MOUNTEBANKS.
Ah, let me hold
The hand that is his hand ; [Taking her hand.
Ere lost I be
In yonder cold eclipse,
Vouchsafe to me
The lips that are his lips !
[Kissing ULTRICE, ivJw remains motionless.
May he forget
His love of old
Her sun has set
Her tale is told !
[Goes up stage and mounts parapet overhanging the river.
She is about to throw herself off, when ULTKICE, who
has been struggling with her better feelings, relents.
Ult. Hold ! Stay thy hand ! Teresa, come to me ;
My soul is softened and my heart is stirred !
Come to me quickly I have wronged thee.
Pardon, Teresa, I have greatly erred !
Ter. Ultrice ! \_Slie rushes to her arms.
Ult. Take heart, take heart, for thou shalt righted be ;
Live for thy love shall be restored to thee !
Come hither, all !
Enter all the characters from different entrances PIETRO in
great agony.
Chorus. Now, what is this, and what is that ?
We wish to go to yonder valley.
What do you want V what are you at ?
Explain your conduct generally !
Ult. Proud of my new-born rank
Which raised me from my clan,
From yonder mountebank
I stole the talisman !
[She produces it. PIETRO clutches at it.
All. Ah, false one !
From yonder mountebank
She stole the talisman ! [Exit ULTRICE.
Pie. Another minute and my fate were sealed !
A light quick quick ! my fortune for a light !
[A light is given to him he burns the parchment,
The parchment burns my tortures slowly yield
'Tis gone ! and with it our distorted plight !
[Gong all change to their original characters: the
Monks becoming brigands, MIXESTRA becoming a
young woman, ALFREDO and ULTRICE 'becoming
peasants, BARTOLO and NITA are restored to
humanity, and PJETRO recovers his health. ALFREDO
embraces TERESA.
THE MOUNTEBANKS. 403
CHORUS.
Hurrah !
The spell's removed,
Hurrah !
The -; V ! loved,
(girls they)
Hurrah !
Hurrah !
With might and main,
Hurrah !
.I/-/-. The Duke and the Duchess, when they travel through the
land,
How the pair they will stare, with their high jerry ho !
They will yet fall a prey to the valour of our band,
For we shall not be happy till we get them ;
With our high jerry ho !
And our canticle pedantical,
And our mystic, though artistic,
Jerry high, jerry ho !
. III. With their high jerry ho ! etc.
Pie., Z*ar., ) The Duke and the Duchess, had they travelled through
Si. j our land,
With their cries of surprise and their high jerry ho !
They'd have seen many things that they wouldn't under-
stand ;
Not the least is our show, you may bet them
With our high jerry ho !
And our clickings and our tickings
Our emphatic automatic
Jerry high, jerry ho !
All. With their high jerry ho ! etc.
Alt', and} The Duke and the Duchess, if they travel through our
Ter. j land,
As they may, any day, with their high jerry ho !
They will find that we're linked, heart in heart, hand in
hand,
And a loving example we'll set them,
With our high jerry ho !
And our notion of devotion,
And our gentle sentimental
Jerry high, jerry ho !
All. With their high jerry ho !
CURTAIN.
UTOPIA, LIMITED;
OR,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
AN ORIGINAL COMIC OPERA,
IN TWO ACTS.
First performed at the Savoy Theatre, London, -under the management
C/MR. D'OvLY CAKTE, on Saturday, October jth, 1893.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
KING PARAMOUNT THE FIRST, King
of Utopia Mil. RUTLAND BARRIXGTON.
SCAPHIO \ Judges of the Utopian ( MR. W. H. DENNY.
PHANTIS / Supreme Court \ MR. JOHN LE HAY.
TARARA, the Public Exploder MR. WALTER PASSMORE.
CALYNX, the Utopian Vice-Chamber-
lain MR. BOWDEN HASWELL.
IMPORTED FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
LORD DRAMALEIGH, a British Lord
Chamberlain MR. SCOTT RUSSELL.
CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE, First Life
Guards MR. CHARLES KEXXIXGHAM.
CAPTAIN SIR EDWARD CORCORAN,
K.C.B., of the Royal Navy MR. LAWRENCE GRIDLEY.
MR. GOLDBURY, a Company Promoter
afterwards Comptroller of the
Utopian Household MR. SCOTT FISIIE.
SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P. ... MR. ENES BLACKMORE.
MR. BLUSHINGTON, of the County
Council ... ... MR. HERBERT RALLAND.
THE PRINCESS ZARA, Eldest Daughter
of King Paramount ... Miss NANCY Mclxiosn.
THE PRINCESS NEKAYA \hcr Younger ( Miss EMMIE OWEX.
THE PRINCESS KALYBA / Sisters. \ Miss FLORENCE PERRY.
THE LADY SOPHY, their English
Gouvernante Miss ROSINA BRAXDRAM.
SALATA j ( Miss EDITH JOHNSTON.
MELENE / Utopian Maidens < Miss MAY BELL.
PHYLLA J ( Miss FLORENCE EASTON.
ACT I.
A UTOPIAN PALM GROVE.
ACT II.
THRONE ROOM IN KING PARAMOUNT'S PALACE,
UTOPIA, LIMITED;
OR,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
SCENE. A Utopian Palm Grove in the gardens of KING PARA-
MOUNT'S Palace, showing a picturesqiie and luxuriant
Tropical landscape, with the sea in the distance. SALATA,
MELENE, PHYLLA, and other Maidens discovered, lying
lazily about the stage and thoroughly enjoying themselves
in lotus- eating fash ion .
OPENING CHORUS.
In lazy languor motionless,
We lie and dream of nothingness ;
For visions come
From Poppydom
Direct at our command :
Or, delicate alternative,
In open idleness we live,
With lyre and lute
And silver flute,
The life of Lazyland !
SOLO. PHYLLA.
The song of birds
In ivied towers ;
The rippling play
Of waterway ;
The lowing herds ;
The breath of flowers ;
The languid loves
Of turtle doves
These simple joys are all at hand
Upon thy shores, O Lazyland !
CHORUS.
Ip lazy languor, etc.
4 o8 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Enter CALYNX.
Gal. Good news ! Great news ! His Majesty's eldest
daughter, Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since
to go to England the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest
country in the world has taken a high degree at Girton, and
is on her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery
over all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious
country to her present pre-eminent position among civilized
nations !
Sal. Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be com-
pletely Anglicized ?
Cal. Absolutely and without a doubt.
Mel. (lazily}. We are very well as we are. Life without a
care every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch,
who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to make
his people happy what have we to gain by the great change
that is in store for us ?
Sal. What have we to gain ? English institutions, English
tastes, and oh, English fashions !
Gal. England has made herself what she is because, in that
favoured land, every one has to think for himself. Here we
have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our
wants, and our political opinions are formed for us by the
journals to which we subscribe. Oh, think how much more
brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been accus-
tomed to exercise our reflective powers ! They say that in
England the conversation of the very meanest is a coruscation
of impromptu epigram !
Enter TARARA in a great rage.
Tar. Lalabalele talala ! Callabale lalabalica falahle !
Cal. {horrified}. Stop stop, I beg !
[All the ladies close their ears.
Tar. Callarnalala galalate ! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo !
Ladies. Oh, stop him ! stop him !
Cal. My Lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware
that His Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the
emphatic wish of his people, has ordered that the Utopian
language shall be banished from his court, and that all com-
munications shall henceforward be made in the English tongue.
Tar. Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although (Suddenly
presenting an explosive " cracker".} Stop allow me.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 409
Cal. (pulls if). Now, what's that for?
Tar. Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder
to His Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must
accustom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my
duties. Thank you. I was about to say that although, as
Public Exploder, I am next in succession to the throne, I
nevertheless do my best to fall in with the royal decree. But
when I am over-mastered by an indignant sense of over-
whelming wrong, as I am now, I slip into my native tongue
without knowing it. I am told that in the language of that
great and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, conse-
quently when I want to let off steam I have no alternative but
to say, " Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo ! "
Cal. But what is your grievance ?
Tar. This by our Constitution we are governed by a
Despot who, although in theory, absolute is, in practice,
nothing of the kind being watched day and night by two
Wise Men whose duty it is, on his very first lapse from political
or social propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder,
and it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with
dynamite allow me. (Presenting a cracker, which CALYNX
pulls.} Thank you and, as some compensation to my wounded
feelings, I reign in his stead.
Cal. Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction
of an ideal Eepublic, it was found that what may be described
as a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole,
the most satisfactory description of ruler an autocrat who
dares not abuse his autocratic power.
Tar. That's the theory but in practice, how does it act ?
Now, do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper f
[Producing a "'Society" Paper.
Cal. Never even heard of the journal.
Tar. I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents always
buy up the whole edition ; but I have an aunt in the publishing
department, and she has supplied me with a copy. Well, it
actually teems with circumstantially convincing details of the
King's abominable immoralities ! If this high-class journal
may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian
profligates that ever disgraced an autocratic throne ! And do
these Wise Men denounce him to me ? Not a bit of it ! They
wink at his immoralities! Under the circumstances I really
think I am justified in exclaiming, "Lalabalele molola lililah
kalabalele poo!" {All horrified.) I don't care the occasion
demands it. [Exit TARARA.
410 UTOPIA, LIMITED: OR,
MARCH. Enter Guard, escorting SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.
CHORUS.
Oh, make way for the Wise Men !
They are prizemen
Double-first in the world's university !
For though lovely this island,
(Which is my land,)
She has no one to match them in her city.
They're the pride of Utopia
Cornucopia
Is each in his mental fertility.
Ob, they never make blunder,
And no wonder,
For they're triumphs of infallibility.
DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS.
In every mental lore,
(The statement smacks of vanity),
We claim to rank before
The wisest of humanity.
As gifts of head and heart
We wasted on "utility,"
We're " cast " to play a part
Of great responsibility.
Our duty is to spy
Upon our King's illicities,
And keep a watchful eye
On all his eccentricities.
If ever a trick he tries
That savours of rascality,
At our decree he dies
Without the least formality.
We fear no rude rebuff,
Or newspaper publicity ;
Our word is quite enough,
The rest is electricity.
A pound of dynamite
Explodes in his auriculars ;
It's not a pleasant sight-
Well spare you the particulars.
It's force all men confess,
The King needs no admonishing
We may say its success
Is something quite astonishing.
Our despot it imbues
With virtues quite delectable :
He minds his P's and Q's,
And keeps himself respectable.
Of a tyrant polite
He's a paragon quite.
Pie's as modest and mild
In his ways as a child ;
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS, 411
And no one ever met
With an autocrat, yet,
So delightfully bland
To the least in the land !
So make way for the wise men, etc.
[Exeunt all but SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. PIIAXTIS is
pensive.
Sea. Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant
spirits. What is wrong ?
Phan. Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have
never loved ?
Sea. Never ! I have often marvelled at the fairy influence
which weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest
and wisest of our race ; but I thank Heaven I have never been
subjected to its singular fascination. For, oh, Phantis! there is
that within me that tells me that when my time does come,
the convulsion will be tremendous! When I love, it will be
with the accumulated fervour of sixty-six years ! But I have
an ideal a semi-transparent Being filled with an inorganic
pink jelly and I have never yet seen the woman who ap-
proaches within measurable distance of it. All are opaque-
opaque opaque !
Phan. Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not until
you find her. Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner
in the battle-fields of Love ; and, believe me, it is better to be
as you are, heart-free and happy, than as I am eternally
racked with doubting agonies! Scaphio, the Princess Zara
returns from England to-day !
Sea. My poor boy, I see it all !
Phan. Oh ! Scaphio, she is so beautiful. Ah ! you smile, for
you have never seen her. She sailed for England three months
before you took office.
Sea. Now, tell me, is your affection requited?
Phan. I do not know I am not sure. Sometimes I think
it is, and then come these torturing doubts ! I feel sure that
she does not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could
never look at me without having to go to bed with a sick
headache.
Sea. That is surely something. Come, take heart, boy ! you
are young and beautiful. What more could maiden want ?
Phan. Ah ! Scaphio, remember she returns from a land where
every youth is as a young Greek god, and where such poor
beauty as I can boast is seen at every turn.
Sea. Be of good cheer ! Marry her, boy, if so your fancy
wills, and be sure that love will come.
412 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Phan. (overjoyed). Then you will assist me in this?
Sea. Why, surely ! Silly one, what have you to fear ? We
have but to say the word, and her father must consent. Is he
not our very slave ? Come, take heart. I cannot bear to sec
you sad.
Phan. Now I may hope, indeed ! Scaphio, you have placed
me on the very pinnacle of human joy !
DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS.
Sea. Let all your doubts take wing
Our influence is great.
If Paramount our King
Presume to hesitate,
Put on the screw,
And caution him
That he will rue
Disaster grim
That must ensue
To life and limb,
Should he pooh-pooh
This harmless whim.
Both. This harmless whim this harmless whim.
It is, as \ !- say, a harmless whim.
Phan. (dancing] . Observe this dance'
Which I employ
When I, by chance,
Go mad with joy.
What sentiment
Does this express ?
[PHANTIS continues his dance while SCAPHIO vainly
endeavours to discover its meaning.
Supreme content
And happiness
Botlt. And happiness and happiness
Of course it does and happiness !
Phan. Your friendly aid conferred,
I need no longer pine.
I've but to speak the word.
And lo ! the maid is mine !
I do not choose
To be denied.
Or wish to lose
A lovely bride
If to refuse
The King decide,
The Royal shoes
Then woe betide;!
Both. Then woe betide then woe betide
The Royal shoes then woe betide !
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 413
Sea. (dancing'). This step to use
I condescend
Whene'er I chose
To serve a friend.
What it implies
Now try to guess ;
[SCAPHIO continues his dance while PHANTIS ?'.<? vainly
endeavouring to discover its meaning.
It typifies
Unselfishness !
P-oth (dancing). Unselfishness ! Unselfishness !
Of course it does unselfishness !
This step to use
We condescend ! etc.
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHAXTIS.
MARCH. Enter KING PARAMOUNT, attended ~by Guards and
Xobles, and preceded by Girls dancing before him.
CHORUS.
Quaff the nectar cull the roses-
Gather fruit and flowers in plenty !
For our King no longer poses-
Sing the songs of far niente !
Wake the lute that sets us lilting,
Dance a welcome to each comer :
Day by day our year is wilting
Sing the sunny songs of summer !
La, la, la, la !
SONG. KING.
A King of autocratic power we
A despot whose tyrannic will is law
Whose rule is paramount o'er land and pea,
A Presence of unutterable awe !
But though the awe that I inspire
Must shrivel with imperial fire
All foes whom it may chance to touch,
To judge by what I see and hear,
It does not seem to interfere
With popular enjoyment, much.
Chorus. No, no it does not interfere
With our enjoyment much.
RECITATIVE. KING.
Mj" subjects all, it is your wish emphatic
That all Utopia shall henceforth be modelled
Upon that glorious country called Great Britain
To which some add but others do not Ireland.
All. It is !
King. That being so, as you insist upon it,
We have arranged that our two younger daughters
Who have been " finished " by an English Lady
4 I4 V TO PI A, LIMITED; OR,
( Tenderly.} A grave, and good, and gracious English Lady
Shall daily be exhibited in public,
That all may learn what, from the English stand-point,
Is looked upon as maidenly perfection !
Come hither, daughters !
Enter NEK AY A and KALYBA. They are twins, about fifteen
years old ; they are very modest and demure in their ap-
pearance, dress, and manner. They stand with their hands
folded and their eyes cast down.
CHORUS.
How fair ! how modest ! how discreet
How bashfully demure !
See how they blush, as they've been taught,
At this publicity unsought !
How English and how pure !
DUET. NEKAYA AND KALYBA.
Both Although of native maids the cream,
We're brought up on the English scheme
The best of all
For great and small
Who modesty adore.
Nek, For English girls are good as gold,
Extremely modest (so we're told),
Demurely coy divinely cold
Kal. And we are that and more.
To please papa, who argues thus
All girls should mould themselves on us
Because we are,
By furlongs far
The best of all the bunch,
We show ourselves to loud applause
From ten to four without a pause
Nek. Which is an awkward time because
It cuts into our lunch.
Both. Oh, maids of high and low degree,
Whose social code is rather free,
Please look at us and you will see
What good young ladies ought to be !
Nek. And as we stand, like clockwork toys,
A lecturer whom papa employs
Proceeds to praise
Our modest ways
And guileless character
Kal. Our well-known blush our downcast eyes
Our famous look of mild surprise
Nek. (Which competition still defies)
Hal. Our celebrated " Sir ! ! ! "
Then all the crowd take down our looks
In pocket memorandum books.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 415
To diagnose
Our modest pose
The Kodaks do their best :
Nek. If evidence you would possess
Of what is maiden bashfulness,
You only need a button press
Kal. And we do all the rest
Enter LADY SOPHY an English lady of mature years and
extreme gravity of demeanour and dress. She carries a
lecturer's wand in her hand. She is led on ly the KING,
who expresses great regard and admiration for her.
RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY.
This morning we propose to illustrate
A course of maiden courtship, from the start
To the triumphant matrimonial finish.
[Through the following song the two Princesses illustrate
in gesture the description given l)y LADY SOPHY.
SOXG. LADY SOPHY.
Bold-faced ranger
(Perfect stranger)
Meets two well-behaved young ladies.
He's attractive,
Young and active
Each a little bit afraid is.
Youth advances,
At his glances
To their danger they awaken ;
They repel him
As they tell him
He is very much mistaken.
Though they speak to him politely,
Please observe they're sneering slightly,
Just to show he's acting vainly.
This is Virtue saying plainly,
" Go away, young bachelor,
We are not what you take us for ! "
When addressed impertinently,
English ladies answer gently,
"Go away, young bachelor,
We are not what you take us for !
As he gazes,
Hat lie raises,
Enters into conversation.
Makes excuses
This produces
Interesting agitation.
He, with daring,
Undespairing,
Gives his card his rank discloses
4i<5 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Little heeding
This proceeding,
They turn up their little noses.
Pray observe this lesson vital
When a man of rank and title
His position first discloses,
Always cock your little noses.
When at home, let all the class
Try this in the looking-glass.
English girls of well-bred notions,
Shun all unrehearsed emotions,
English girls of highest class
Practise "them before the glass.
His intentions
Then he mentions
Something definite to go on
Makes recitals
Of his titles,
Hints at sentiments, and so on.
Smiling sweetly,
They, discreetly.
Ask for further evidences :
Thus invited,
He, delighted,
Gives the usual references.
This is business. Each is fluttered
When the offer's fairly uttered.
"Which of them has his affection ? "
He declines to make selection.
Do they quarrel for his dross?
Not a bit of it they toss !
Please observe this cogent moral-
English ladies never quarrel.
When a doubt they come across,
English ladies always toss.
RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY.
The lecture's ended. In ten minutes' space
'Twill be repeated in the market-place !
[Exit LADY SOPHY, followed ly NEKAYA and KALYBA.
CHORUS.
Quaff the nectar cull the roses-
Bashful girls will soon be plenty !
Maid who thus at fifteen poses
Ought to be divine at twenty !
[Exit Chorus. Manet KING.
King. I requested Scapliio and Phantis to be so good as to
favour me with an audience this morning.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 417
Enter SCAPHIO and PHAXTIS.
Oh, here they arc !
Sea. Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe. You
you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know.
King. I beg your pardon, (fiemoves it.) I always forget
that ! Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear
one of his own crowns in the presence of two of his own
subjects.
Phan. Yes bizarre, is it not ?
King. Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world.
Phan. Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thing
it is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humour!
King. Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, I
cannot help looking at the humorous side of things for, properly
considered, everything has its humorous side even the Palace.
Peeper. (Producing it.} See here " Another Royal Scandal,"
by Junius Junior. " How long is this to last ? " by Senex
Senior. " Eibald Royalty," by Mercury Major. "Where is the
Public Exploder?" by Mephistopheles Minor. When I reflect
that all these outrageous attacks on my morality are written by
me, at your command well, it's one of the funniest things that
have come within the scope of my experience.
Sea. Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humour of
their own which is simply irresistible.
King, (gratified). Not bad, I think. Biting, trenchant sar-
casm the rapier, not the bludgeon that's my line. But then
it's so easy I'm such a good subject a bad King but a good
Subject ha! ha! a capital heading for next week's leading
article ! (Makes a note.} And then the stinging little paragraphs
about our Royal goings-on with our Ptoyal Second Housemaid
delicately sub-acid, are they not ?
Sea. My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold a
candle to you.
Phan. But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've
written for us " King Tuppence ; or, A Good Deal Less than
Half a Sovereign " -in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr.
Wilkinson, burlesques your personal appearance and gives gro-
tesque imitations of your Royal pecularities. It's immense !
King. Ye es. That's what I wanted to speak to you about.
Now, I've not the least doubt but that even that has its humorous
side, too if one could only see it. As a rule, I'm pretty quick
at detecting latent humour but I confess I do not quite see
where it comes in, in this particular instance. It's so horribly
personal !
III. 2 E
418 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Sea. Personal? Yes, of course it's personal but consider the
antithetical humour of the situation.
King. Yes. I I don't think I've quite grasped that.
Sea. No? You surprise me. Why, consider. During the day
thousands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to
11) thousands roar at it. During the day your most arbitrary
pronouncements are received by your subjects with abject sub-
mission during the night, they shout with joy at your most
terrible decrees. It's not every monarch that enjoys the privi-
lege of undoing by night all the despotic absurdities he's com-
mitted during the day.
King. Of course ! Now I see it! Thank you very much. I
was sure it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me
not to have seen it before. But, as I said just now, it's a quaint
world.
Plian. Teems with quiet fun.
King. Yes. Properly considered, what a farce life is, to be sure
SONG. KING.
First you're born and I'll be bound you
Find a dozen strangers round you.
" Hallo," cries the new-born baby,
" Where's my parents ? which may they be ? "
Awkward silence no reply
Puzzled baby wonders why !
Father rises, bows politely
Mother smiles, but not too brightly)
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing-
Nurse is busy mixing something
Every symptom tends to show
You're decidedly de trop
Al.'. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Time's teetotum,
If you spin it,
Gives it's quotum
Once a minute.
I'll go bail
You hit the nail,
And if you fail
The deuce is in it !
You grow up, and you discover
What it is to be a lover.
Some young lady is selected
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected
Whom you hail (for Love is blind)
As the Queen of fairy kind.
Though she's plain perhaps unsightly,
Makes her face up laces tightly,
In her form your fancy traces
All the gifts of all the graces.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 419
Rivals none the maiden woo,
So you take her and she takes you !
All. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Joke beginning,
Never ceases,
Till your inning .
time releases,
On your way
You blindly stray,
And day by day
The joke increases !
Ten years later Time progresses
Sours your temper thins your tresses ;
Fancy, then, her chain relaxes ;
Rates are facts and so are taxes.
Fairy Queen's no longer young-
Fairy Queen has got a tongue.
Twins have probably intruded
Quite unbidden just as you did
They're a source of care and trouble-
Just as you were only double.
Comes at last the final stroke-
Time has had his little joke !
All. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Daily driven
(Wife as drover)
111 you've thriven
Ne'er in clover :
Lastly, when
Three-score and ten
(And not till then),
The joke is over !
Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Then and then
The joke is over !
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. Manet KING.
King, {putting on his crown again). It's all very well. I
always like to look on the humorous side of things ; but I do
not think I ought to be required to write libels on my own
moral character. Naturally, I see the joke of it anybody
would but Zara's coming home to-day ; she's no longer a
child, and I confess I should not like her to see my Opera
though it's uncommonly well written ; and I should be sorry if
the Palace Peeper got into her hands though it's certainly
smart very smart indeed. It is almost a pity that I have to
buy up the whole edition, because it's really too good to be lost.
And Lady Sophy that blameless type of perfect womanhood !
Great heavens, what would she say if the Second Housemaid
business happened to meet her pure blue eye !
420 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Enter LADY SOPHY.
Lady S. My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw.
(Going.)
Xing. No pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances,
and you won't guess whom I was thinking of.
Lady S. Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah ! King, it's an old,
old story, and I'm well nigh weary of it ! Be warned in time
from my heart I pity 3'ou, but I am not for you ! (Going.)
King. But hear what I have to say.
Lady S. It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and
adventurous career in the principal European Courts, it has
been revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and
supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So irresistible
is this singular property, that there is not a European Monarch
who has not implored me, with tears in his eyes, to quit his
kingdom, and take my fatal charms elsewhere. As time was
getting on it occurred to me that by descending several pegs
in the scale of Eespectability I might qualify your Majesty for
my hand. Actuated by this humane motive and happening
to possess Eespectability enough for Six, I consented to confer
Eespectability enough for Four upon your two younger daughters
but although I have, alas, only Eespectability enough for
Two left, there is still, as I gather from the public press of
this country (producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable
balance in my favour.
King (aside). Da ! (Aloud.) May I ask how you came
by this ?
Lady S. It was handed to me by the officer who holds the
position of Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty.
King. And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust
as to place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the Society
press !
Lady S. (referring to paper). 1 read on the authority of
Senox .Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your
Second Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli
Gardens. That is untrue ?
King. Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg.
Lady S. (suspiciously). How do you know that ?
King. Common report, I give you my honour.
Lady S. It may be so. 1 further read and the statement is
vouched for by no less an authority than Mephistopheles Minor
that your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every
morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge of
displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of the
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 421
royal dressing-room when I ask if there is any foundation for
this statement ?
King. None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits
rum-punch it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our
bath, our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning.
Lady S. (shocked). Oh, pray pray spare me these unseemly
details. Well, you are a Despot have you taken steps to slay
this scribbler ?
King. Well, no I have not gone so far as that. After all,
it's the poor devils living, you know.
Lady S. It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. If
this man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is suf-
ficiently terrible for him.
King. That's precisely it. I I am waiting until a punish-
ment is discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the
ease. I am in constant communication with the Mikado of
Japan, who is a leading authority on such points ; and more-
over, I have the ground plans and sectional elevations of several
capital punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady
Sophy, as you are powerful, be merciful !
DUET. KING AND LADY SOPHY.
King. Subjected to your heavenly gaze
(Poetical phrase)
My brain is turned completely.
Observe me now,
No Monarch, I, vow,
Was ever so far afflicted?
Lady S. I'm pleased with that poetical phrase,
" A heavenly gaze,"
ISut though you put it neatly,
Say what you will,
These paragraphs still
Remain uncontradicted.
Come, crush me this contemptible worm
(A forcible term),
If he's assailed you wrongly.
The rage display,
Which, as you say,
Has moved your Majesty lately.
Kinfi. Though I admit that forcible term,
" Contemptible worm,"
Appeals to me most strongly,
To treat this pest
As you suggest
'Would pain my Majesty greatly.
Lady <&'. This writer lies !
King. Yes, bother his eyes !
Lady S. He lives, you say ?
King. In a sort of way.
422 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Lady S. Then have him shot.
King. Decidedly not.
Lady S. Or crush him flat.
King. I cannot do that.
Both. O royal Rex,
TT 'f blameless sex.
Abhors such conduct shady.
V ")
j U I plead in vain,
j 11 f never will gain
Respectable English lady !
[Dance of repudiation by LADY SOPHY. Exit, followed
by KING.
March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the
PRINCESS ZARA, who enters, escorted by CAPTAIN FITZ-
BATTLEAXE and four Troopers, all in the full uniform of
the First Life Guards.
CHORUS.
Oh, maiden, rich
In Girton lore,
That wisdom which
We prized before,
We do confess
Is nothingness,
And rather less,
Perhaps, than more.
On each of us
Thy learning shed.
On calculus
May we be fed.
And teach us, please,
To speak with ease
All languages,
Alive and dead !
SOLO. PRINCESS AND CHORUS.
Zctra. Five years have flown since I took wing
Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards
I'm the eldest daughter of your king.
Troopers. And we are her escort First Life Guards !
On the royal yacht,
When the waves were white,
In a helmet hot
And a tunic tight,
And our great big boots,
We defied the storm :
For we're not recruits,
And his uniform
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 423
A well-drilled trooper ne'er discards
And we are her escort First Life Guards !
Zara. These gentlemen I present to you,
The pride and boast of their barrack-yards ;
They've taken, oh, such care of me !
Troopers. " For we are her escort First Life Guards !
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so
Do you suppose
We were ill ? No, no !
Though a qualmish lot
In a tunic tight,
And a helmet hot,
And a breastplate bright
(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards),
We stood as her escort First Life Guards !
FULL CHORUS.
Knightsbridge nursemaids serving fairies
Stars of proud Belgravian airies ;
At stern duty's call you leave them,
Though you know how that must grieve them !
Za.ro,. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
Capt. Fltz. Trumpet-call of Princess Zara !
C/torus. That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards
They are her escort First Life Guards !
ENSEMBLE.
CHORUS. PRINCESS ZARA AND FITZBATTI.K-
Ladies. Knightsbridge nursemaids, AXE (aside).
etc. Oh ! the hours are gold,
Men. When soldier seeks, etc. And the joys untold,
When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess ;
And the years will seem
But a brief day-dream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness !
Full Chorus. Knightsbridge nursemaids serving fairies, etc.
Enter KING, PRINCESSES NEKAYA and KALYBA, and LADY
SOPHY. As the KING enters the escort present arms.
King. Zara ! my beloved daughter ! Why, how well you
look, and how lovely you have grown ! (Embraces her.)
Zara. My dear father ! (Embracing him.) And my two
beautiful little sisters ! (Embracing them.)
Nek. Not beautiful.
Kal. Nice looking.
Zara. But first let me present to you the English warrior
who commands my escort, and who has taken, oh ! such care of
me during the voyage Captain Fitzbattleaxe !
424 UTOPIA LIMITED; OR,
Troopers. The First Life Guards.
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so
[CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE motions them to be silent. The
Troopers place themselves in the four corners of the
stage, standing at ease, immovably, as if on sentry.
Each is surrounded by an admiring group of young
Ladies, of whom they take no notice.
King (to CAPT. FITZ.). Sir, you come from a country where
every virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize
too severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our semi-
barbarous society.
Fitz. (looking at ZAKA). Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the
blameless and the beautiful.
King. We thank you he is really very polite ! (LADY
SOPHY, who has been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid
to the Lifeguardsmen by the young Ladies, marches the PRINCESSES
NEKAYA and KALYBA towards an exit.} Lady Sophy, do not
leave us.
Lady S. Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent.
If they are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at once
removed from the contamination of their present disgraceful
surroundings. (She marches them off.)
King (ivliose attention has thus been called to the proceedings
of the young Ladies aside}. Dear, dear ! They really shouldn't.
(Aloud.) Captain Fitzbattleaxe.
' Fitz. Sir. '
King. Your troopers appear to be receiving a troublesome
amount of attention from those young ladies. I know how
strict you English soldiers are, and I should be extremely
distressed if any thing occurred to shock their puritanical British
sensitiveness.
Fitz. Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that.
King. You think not ? They won't be offended ?
Fitz. Oh no ! They are quite hardened to it. They get a
good deal of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse
Guards.
King. It's English, is it ?
Fitz. It's particularly English.
King. Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies,
it's particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have
much to say to each other.
Zara. Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe ! I cannot thank you
too emphatically for the devoted care with which you have
watched over me during our long and eventful voyage,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 425
DUET. ZAKA AND CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE.
Ah ! gallant soldier, brave and true
In tented field and tourney,
I grieve to have occasioned you
So very long a journey.
A British soldier gives up all
His home and island beauty
"\Yhen summoned by the trumpet-call
Of Regimental duty !
All. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
Trumpet-call of Princess Zara !
ENSEMBLE.
MEN. FITZBATTLEAXE AND ZAHA (aside).
A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh, my joy, my pride,
My delight to hide,
LADIES. L e t us sing, aside,
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. What in truth we feel.
Let us whisper low
Of our love's glad glow,
Lest the truth we show
We would fain conceal.
J-'itz. Such escort duty, as his due,
To young Lifeguardsmau falling
Completely reconciles him to
His uneventful calling.
When soldier seeks Utopian glades
In charge of Youth and Beauty,
Then pleasure merely masquerades
As Regimental Duty !
All. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
Trumpet-call of Princess Zara !
ENSEMBLE.
CHORUS. FITZBATTLEAXE AND ZAHA (aside).
MEX. Oh, the hours are gold,
A British warrior, etc. And the joys untold,
When my eyes behold
\\ OMEN. ]\Iy beloved Princess ;
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. And the year will seem
But a brief day-dream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness !
[Exeunt KING and PRINCESS in one direction, Life-
guardsmen and Crowd in opposite direction.
Enter, at lack, SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, who watch the
PRINCESS as she goes off. SCAPHIO is seated, shaking
violently, and obviously under the influence of some strong
emotion.
Phan. There tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful '} Can
you wonder that I love her so passionately ?
426 UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR,
Sea. No. She is extraordinarily miraculously lovely
Good heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl !
Phan. I knew you would say so !
Sea. What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising
delicacy of gesture ! Why, she's a goddess ! a very goddess !
Phan. (rather taken aback}. Yes she's she's an attractive
girl.
Sea. Attractive ? Why, you must be blind ! She's entrancing
enthralling ! intoxicating ! (Aside.) God bless my heart,
what's the matter with me ?
Phan. (alarmed). Yes. You you promised to help me to
get her father's consent, you know.
Sea. Promised ! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good
boy ! It is she my ideal ! Why, what's this 1 (Staggering.)
Phantis ! Stop me I'm going mad mad with the love of her !
Phan. Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectly
opaque! Besides, remember each of us is helpless without
the other. You can't succeed without my consent, you know.
Sea. And you dare to threaten 1 Oh, ungrateful ! When you
came to me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored my
assistance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it ? And this is
the return you make ? Out of my sight, ingrate ! (Aside.)
Dear ! dear ! what is the matter with me ?
Enter CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE and ZABA.
Zara. Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete.
Sea. (breathlessly). No, no. You come very appropriately.
To be brief, we we love you this man and I madly
passionately !
Zara. Sir!
Sea. And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is
to marry you.
Fitz. Zara, this is very awkward.
Sea. (very much overcome). I I am paralyzed by the singular
radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am in-
coherent. I never was like this before it shall not occur
again. I shall be fluent presently.
Zara (aside). Oh, dear Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be
done ?
Fitz. (aside). Leave'it to me I'll manage it. (Aloud.) It's a
common situation. Why not settle it in the English fashion ?
Both. The English fashion ? What is that ?
Fitz. It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen
are in love with the same lady, and until it is settled which
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is provided,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 427
by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act, that the lady
shall be entrusted to an officer of Household Cavalry as stake-
holder, who is bound to hand her over to the survivor (on the
Tontine principle) in a good condition of substantial and
decorative repair.
Sea. Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?
Fitz. Exactly.
Pkan. Well, that seems very reasonable. (To SCAPHIO.)
What do yon say Shall we entrust her to this officer of House-
hold Cavalry ? It will give us time.
Sea. (trembling violently). I I am not at present in a
condition to think it out coolly but if he is an officer of
Household Cavalry, and if the Princess consents
Zara. Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative under the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act !
Fitz. Good then that's settled.
QUARTETTE.
FiTZ B ATT LEAXE, ZARA, SCAPHIO, AND PHANTIS.
Fitz. It's understood, I think, all round
That, by the English custom bound,
1 hold the lady safe and sound j
In trust for either rival,
Until you clearly testif y
By sword or pistol, by-and-by,
Which gentleman prefers to die,
And which prefers survival.
ENSEMBLE.
SCA. AND PHAN. ZARA AND FITZ (aside).
It's clearly understood, all round, We stand, I think, on safish
That, by your English custom ground ;
bound, Our senses weak it will astound
He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found
In trust for either rival, Pepared to meet his rival.
Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy ;
By sword and pistol, by-and-by, We won't be parted, you and I
Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather shy
And which prefers survival. They both prefer survival !
Pkan. If I should die and he should live,
(aside to FITZ.). To you, without reserve, I give
Her heart so young and sensitive,
And all her predilections.
Sea. If he should live and I should die,
(aside to FITZ.). I see no kind of reason why
You should not, if you wish it, try-
To gain her young affections.
428 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
ENSEMBLE.
SCA. AND PIIAN. (angrily to each FITZ. AND ZARA (aside).
other). As both of us are positive
If I should die and 3-011 should That both of them intend to live,
_ live, There's nothing in the case to
To this young officer I give give,
Her heart so soft and sensitive, Us cause for grave reflections.
And all her predilections. As both will live and neither die
If } T ou should live and I should I see no kind of reason why
die, I should not, if I wish it, try
I see no kind of reason wh} r To gain j-our young affe^-
He should not, if he chooses try, tions !
To win her young affections.
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS together.
DUET. ZARA AND FITZBATTLEAXE.
ENSEMBLE.
Oh, admirable art !
Oh, neatly-planned intention !
Oh, happj- intervention-
Ob, well-constructed plot !
When sages try to part
Two loving hearts in fusion,
Their wisdom's a delusion,
And learning serves them not !
Fit-. Until quite plain
Is their intent,
These sages twain
I represent.
Now please infer
That, nothing loth,
You're henceforth, as it were,
Engaged to marry both-
Then take it that I represent the two
On that hypothesis, what would you do ?
Zura (aside). What would I do? what would I do ?
Znrtt. In such a case,
Upon your breast,
My blushing face
I think I'd rest (Doing so.)
Then perhaps I might
Demurely say
" I find this breastplate bright
Is sorely in the way ! "
That is, supposing it were true
That I'm engaged to both and both were you !
ENSEMBLE.
Our mortal race
Is never blest
There's no such case
As perfect rest ;
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 429
Some petty bligbt
Asserts its sway !
Some crumpled roseleaf light
Is always in the way !
[Exit FITZBATTLEAXE. Manet ZARA.
Zara (looking off, in the direction in ivhich SCAPHIO and
PHAXTIS have gone). Poor, trusting, simple-minded, and affec-
tionate old gentlemen ! I'm really sorry for them ! How strange
it is that when the flower of a man's youth has faded, he seems
to lose all charm in a woman's eyes; and how true arc the
words of my expurgated Juvenal
"Festinat decurrere vclox
Flosculus, anyustce, miserccque brcvissima vitce
Portiol"
Enter KING.
King. My daughter ! At last we arc alone together.
Zara. Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you
very seriously. Do you know this paper?
King {aside}. Da ! (Aloud.} Oh yes I've I've seen
it. Where in the world did you get this from?
Zara. It was given to me by Lady Sophy my sisters'
governess.
King (aside). Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes
wish she'd mind her own business ! (Aloud.) It's ha ! ha !
it's rather humorous.
Zara. I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you,
the despotic King of this country, are made the subject of the
most scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these
things?
King. Well, they appeal to my sense of humour. It's the
only really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without it
for the world.
Zara. If it had any literary merit I could understand it.
King. Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it has
literary merit.
Zara. My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle.
King. Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that. Un-
pleasantly personal, perhaps, but written with an epigrarnrnatical
point that is very rare nowadays very rare indeed.
Zara (looking at cartoon). Why do they represent you with
such a big nose ?
King (looking at cartoon). Eh ? Yes, it is a big one ! Why,
the fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size of
430 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
your nose always varies inversely as the square of your popu-
larity. It's the rule.
Zara. Then you must be at a tremendous discount, just now !
I see a notice of a new piece called " King Tuppence," in which
an English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a public
stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any English
tenor should lend himself to such degrading personalities.
King. Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a
Utopian, but he calls himself English.
Zara. Calls himself English?
King. Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor who
didn't call himself English.
Zara. And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you
in a pointless burlesque ! My dear father if you were a free
agent, you would never permit these outrages.
King (almost in tears). Zara, I I admit I am not altogether
a free agent. I I am controlled. I try to make the best of
it, but sometimes I find it very difficult very difficult indeed.
Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the helpless tool
of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on my falling in with
all their wishes and threaten to denounce me for immediate
explosion if I remonstrate ! (Breaks down completely.}
Zara. My poor father ! Now listen to me. With a view to
remodelling the political and social institutions of Utopia, I
have brought with me six representatives of the principal
causes that have tended to make England the powerful, happy,
and blameless country which the consensus of European civiliza-
tion has declared it to be. Place yourself unreservedly in the
hands of these gentlemen, and they will reorganize your country
on a footing that will enable you to defy your persecutors.
They are all now washing their hands after their journey.
Shall I introduce them ?
King. My dear Zara, how can I thank you ? I will consent
to anything that will release me from the abominable tyranny
of these two men. (Calling.} What ho ! Without there !
Enter CALYNX.
Summon my court without an instant's delay !
[Exit CALYNX.
FINALE.
Enter Every one, except the Flowers of Progress.
CHORUS.
Although your Royal summons to appear
From courtesy was singularly free,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 431
Obedient to that summons we are here
What would your Majesty ?
RECITATIVE. KING.
My worth y people, my beloved daughter
Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England
The types of all the causes that have made
That great and glorious country what it is.
C/iorus, Oh, joy unbounded !
Sea., Tar., and Phan. (aside). Why, what does this mean ?
RECITATIVE. ZARA.
Attend to me, Utopian populace,
Ye South Pacific Island viviparians ;
All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace,
Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race,
But little better than half-clothed barbarians !
CHORUS.
That's true we South Pacific viviparians,
Contrasted when
With Englishmen,
Are little better than half-clothed barbarians !
Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led ~by FITZBATTLEAXE.
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE.)
When Britain sounds the trump of war
(And Europe trembles),
The army of that conqueror
In serried ranks assembles ;
'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleam
For our protection
He represents a military scheme
In all its proud perfection !
Fitz. Yes yes
I represent a military scheme
In all its proud perfection !
Chorus. Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P.)
A complicated gentleman allow me to present,
Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment,
He's a great Arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease
That two and two are three, or five, or anything you please ;
An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you
That black is white when looked at from the proper point of view ;
A marvellous Philologist who'll undertake to show
That "yes" is but another and a neater form of "no."
432 UTOPIA, LIMITED : OR,
Sir Bailey. Yes yes yes
Oh " yes " is but another and a neater form of " no."
All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout,
And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt,
That whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thief
Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.
Chorus. Yes yes yes
That whether you're an honest man, etc.
Ulahlica f Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting LORD DKAJIALEIGH and County
Councillor.)
What these may be, Utopians all
Perhaps you'll hardly guess
They're types of England's physical
And moral cleanliness.
This is a Lord High Chamberlain
Of purity the gauge
He'll cleanse our Court from moral stain
And purify our Stage.
Lord Dram. Yes yes yes
Court reputations I revise,
And presentations scrutinize.
New plays I read with jealous eyes,
And purify the Stage.
Chorus. Yes -yes yes
Xew plays, etc.
Znra. This County Councillor acclaim,
Great Britain's latest toy-
On anything you like, to name
His talents he'll employ-
All streets and squares he'll purify
Within your city walls,
And keep meanwhile a modest eye
On wicked music halls.
C. C. Yes yes yes
In towns I make improvements great,
Which go to swell the County Rate
I dwelling-houses sanitate,
And purify the Halls !
f. Yes yes yes
He'll dwelling-houses, etc.
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting MR. GOLDBUKY.)
A Company Promoter this, with special education,
Which teaches what Contango means and also Backwardation
To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven,
Time was when two were company but now it must be seven.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 433
Mr. Gold. Yes yes yes--
Stupendous loans to foreign thrones
I've largely advocated ;
In ginger-pops and peppermint-drops
I've freely speculated ;
Then mines of gold, of wealth untold,
Successfully I've floated,
And sudden falls in apple-stalls
Occasionally quoted :
And soon or late I always call
For Stock Exchange quotation
No scheme's too great and none too small
For Companification !
Chorus. Then soon or late, etc.
Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
Zara. (Presenting CAPTAIN SIB EDWARD CORCORAN, E.N.)
And lastly I present
Great Britain's proudest boast,
Who from the blows
Of foreign foes
Protects her sea-girt coast
And if you ask him in respectful tone,
He'll show you how you may protect your own !
SOLO. CAPTAIN CORCORAN.
I'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B.,
I'll teach you how we rule the sea,
And terrify the simple Gaul.
And how the Saxon and the Celt
Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt
With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt
(Or will, when the occasion calls),
If sailor-like you'd play your cards
Unbend your sails, and lower your yards,
Unstep your masts you'll never want 'em more.
Though we're no longer hearts of oak,
Yet we can steer and we can stoke,
And, thanks to coal, and thanks to coke,
We never run a ship ashore !
All. What never?
Capt. No, never !
All. What, never ?
Cant. Hardly ever !
All. Hardly ever run a ship ashore !
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,
For the tar who never runs his ship ashore ;
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,
For he never runs his ship ashore !
III. 2 F
434 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
CHORUS.
All hail, ye types of England's power-
Ye heaven-enlightened band !
We bless the day, and bless the hour
That brought you to our land.
QUARTETTE.
Ye wanderers from a mighty State
Oh, teach us how to legislate
Your lightest word will carry weight
In our attentive ears.
Oh, teach the natives of this land
(Who are not quick to understand)
How to work off their social and
Political arrears !
Capt. Fitz. Increase your army !
Lord Dram. Purify your Court !
Capt. Cor. Get up your steam and cut your canvas short !
Sir B. Bar. To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains !
Mr. B., C.(J. Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains !
Mr. Gold. Utopia's much too big for one small head
I'll float it as a Company Limited !
King. A Company Limited ? What may that be ?
The term, I rather think, is new to me.
Chorus. A Company Limited ? etc.
Sea., Phan., and Tarara (aside}.
What does he mean ? What does he mean ?
Give us a kind of clue !
What does he mean ? What does he mean ?
What is he going to do ?
SOXG. MR. GOLDBURY.
Some seven men form an Association
(If possible, all Peers and Baronets),
They start off with a public declaration
To what extent they mean to pay their debts.
That's called their Capital : if they are war}'
They will not quote it at a sum immense.
The figure's immaterial it may vary
From eighteen million down to eighteenpence.
/should put it rather low ;
The good sense of doing so
Will be evident at once to any debtor,
When it's left to you to say
What amount you mean to pay,
Why, the lower you can put it at, the better,
Chorus. When it's left to you to say, etc.
They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em,
Quite irrespective of their capital
(It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom) ;
Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 435
You can't embark on trading too tremendous-
It's strictly fair, and based on common sense
If you succeed, your profits are stupendous
And if you fail, pop goes your eightecnpence.
Make the money-spinner spin !
For you only stand to win,
And you'll never with dishonesty bo twitted.
For nobody can know,
To a million or so.
To what extent your capital's committed !
Chorus. No, nobody can know, etc.
If you come to grief, and creditors are craving,
(For nothing that is planned by mortal head
Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow saving
That one's Liability is Limited),
Do you suppose that signifies perdition ?
If so you're but a monentary dunce
You merely file a "\Vinding-up Petition,
And start another Company at once !
Though a Rothschild you may be
In your own capacity,
As a Company you've come to utter sorrow
But the Liquidators say,
"Never mind you needn't pay,"
So you start another company to-morrow !
Chorus. But the Liquidators say, etc.
RECITATIVE.
Kiwj. Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest,
But if it's good enough for virtuous England
The first commercial country in the world-
It's good enough for us.
&rt. Phan., and Tarara. You'd best take care
('t^iilc' to KING). Please recollect we. have not been consulted.
Kin;/ And do I understand you that Great Britain
(not heeding them). Upon this Joint Stock principle is governed ''.
Mr. Gold. We haven't come to that, exactly but
We're tending rapidly in that direction.
The date's not distant.
King (enthusiastically). We will be before you !
We'll go down to Posterity renowned
As the First Sovereign in Christendom
Who registered his Crown and Country under
The Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two.
All. Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
SOLO. KIXG.
Henceforward, of a verity,
With Fame ourselves we link
We'll go down to Posterity
Of sovereigns all the pink !
436
UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Sea., Phan., and Tar. (aside to King). If you've the
mad temerity
Our wishes thus to blink,
You'll go down to Posterity
Much earlier than you think !
Tarara (correcting them). He'll go up to Posterity,
If 7 inflict the blow !
Sea. and Phan. (angrily). He'll go down to Posterity.
We think we ought to know !
Tarara (explaining). He'll go up to Posterity,
Blown up with dynamite !
Sea. and Phan. (apologetically). He'll go up to Posterity ;
Of course he will, you're right !
KING, LADY SOPHY,
NEK., KAL., CAL.,
AND CHORUS.
Henceforward of a
verity
With fame ourselves
we link,
And go down to Pos-
terity
Of sovereigns all the
pink !
ENSEMBLE.
SCA., PHAN., AND
TARARA (aside).
FlTZBATTLEAXE ANO
ZARA (aside).
If he has the temerity
Our wishes thus to
blink,
He'll go up to Posterity
Much earlier than
they think !
Who love with all sin-
cerity,
Their lives may
safely link ;
And as for our Pos-
terity
We don't care what
they think !
CHORUS.
Let's seal this mercantile pact
The step we ne'er shall rue
It gives whatever we lacked
The statement's strictly true.
All hail, astonishing Fact !
All hail, Invention new
The Joint Stock Company's Act
The Act of Sixty-Two !
CURTAIN.
ACT II.
SCENE. Throne Room in the Palace. Night. FITZBATTLEAXE
discovered, singing to ZARA.
RECITATIVE. FITZ.
Oh, Zara, my beloved one, bear with me !
Ah, do not laugh at my attempted C !
Repent not, mocking maid, thy girlhood's choice
The fervour of my love affects my voice !
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 437
SONG. FITZ.
A tenor, all singers above,
(This doesn't admit of a question),
Should keep himself quiet,
Attend to his diet
And caref ully nurse his digestion :
But when he is madly in love
It's certain to tell on his singing
You can't do chromatics
With proper emphatics
When anguish your bosom is wringing !
When distracted with worries in plenty,
And his pulse is a hundred and twenty,
And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is,
A tenor can't do himself justice.
Now observe (sinys a high note],
You see, I can't do myself justice !
I could sing, if my fervour were mock,
It's easy enough if you're acting-
But when one's emotion
Is born of devotion
You mustn't be over-exacting.
One ought to be firm as a rock
To venture a shake in vibrato,
When fervour's expected
Keep cool and collected
Or never attempt agitato.
But, of course, when his tongue is of leather,
And his lips appear pasted together,
And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is,
A tenor can't do himself justice.
Now observe (sings a cadence),
It's no use I can't do myself justice !
Zara. Why, Arthur, what does it matter ? When the higher
qualities of the heart are all that can be desired, the higher notes
of the voice are matters of comparative insignificance. Who
thinks slightingly of the cocoanut because it is husky? Besides
(demurely) you are not singing for an engagement. (Putting
her hand in his.} You have that already !
Fitz. How good and wise you are ! How unerringly your
practised brain winnows the wheat from the chaff the material
from the merely incidental !
Zara. My Girton training, Arthur. At Girton all is wheat,
and idle chaff is never heard within its walls ! But tell me, is
not all working marvellously well ? Have not our Flowers of
Progress more than justified their name?
Fitz. We have indeed done our best. Captain Corcoran and
I have, in concert, thoroughly remodelled the sister-services-
438 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
and upon so sound a basis that the South Pacific trembles at the
name of Utopia !
Zara. How clever of you !
Fitz. Clever ? Not a bit. It's as easy as possible when the
Admiralty and Horse Guards are not there to interfere. And
so with the others. Freed from the trammels imposed upon
them by idle Acts of Parliament, all have given their natural
talents full play and introduced reforms which, even in England,
were never dreamt of !
Zara. But perhaps the most beneficent change of all has been
effected by Mr. Goldbury who, discarding the exploded theory
that some strange magic lies hidden in the number Seven, has
applied the Limited Liability principle to individuals, and every
man, woman, and child is now a Company Limited with liability
restricted to the amount of his declared Capital ! There is not
a christened baby in Utopia who has not already issued his little
Prospectus !
Fitz. Marvellous is the power of a Civilization which can
transmute, by a word, a Limited Income into an Income
(Limited).
Zara. Keform has not stopped here it has been applied even
to the costume of our people. Discarding their own barbaric
dress, the natives of our laud have unanimously adopted the
tasteful fashions of England in all their rich entirety. Scaphio
and Phantis have undertaken a contract to supply the whole of
Utopia with clothing designed upon the most approved English
models and the first Dra wing-Room under the new state of
things is to be held here this evening.
Fitz. But Drawing-Rooms are alwavs held in the afternoon.
v . r
Zara. Ah, we've improved upon that. We all look so much
better by candle-light ! And when I tell you, dearest, that my
court train has just arrived, you will understand that I am long-
ing to go and try it on.
Fitz. Then we must part ?
Zara. Necessarily, for a time.
Fitz. Just as I wanted to tell you, with all the passionate
enthusiasm of my nature, how deeply, how devotedly I love you!
Zara. Hush ! Are these the accents of a heart that really
feels ? True love does not indulge in declamation its voice is
sweet, and soft, and low. The west wind whispers when he
woos the poplars !
DUET. ZARA AND FITZBATTLEAXK.
Zara. Words of love too loudly spoken
Ring their own untimely knell ;
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 439
vows are rudely broken,
Soft the song of Philomel.
Whisper sweetly, whisper slowly,
Hour by hour and day by day :
Sweet and low as accents holy
Are the notes of lover's lay !
Jioth. Sweet and low, etc.
Fit". Let the conqueror, flushed with glory,
Bid his noisy clarions bray ;
Lovers tell their artless story
In a whispered virelay.
False is he whose vows alluring
Make the listening echoes ring ;
Sweet and low when all-enduring,
Are the songs that lovers sing !
Both. Sweet and low, etc. [Exit ZAI;A.
Enter KING, dressed as Field Marshal.
King. To a Monarch who has been accustomed to the uncon-
trolled use of his limbs, the costume of a British Field Marshal
is, perhaps, at first, a little cramping. Are you sure that this
is all right ? It's not a practical joke, is it ? No one has a
keener sense of humour than I have, but the First Statutory
Cabinet Council of Utopia {Limited} must be conducted with
dignity and impressiveness. Now, where are the other five who
signed the Articles of Association ?
Fitz. Sir, they are here,
Enter LOUD DRAMALEIGH, CAPTAIN CORCORAN, SIR BAILEY
BARRE, MR. BLUSHINGTON, and MR. GOLDBURY from
different entrances.
King. Oh! {Addressing them.} Gentlemen, our daughter
holds her first Drawing-Room in half an hour, and we shall
have time to make our half-yearly report in the interval. I am
necessarily unfamiliar with the forms of an English Cabinet
Council perhaps the Lord Chamberlain will kindly put us in
the way of doing the thing properly, and with due regard to
the solemnity of the occasion.
Lord Dram. Certainly nothing simpler. Kindly bring your
chairs forward his Majesty will, of course, preside.
[Tliey range their chairs across stage like Christy Min-
strels. KING sits centre, LORD DRAMLEIGH on his
left, MR. GOLDBURY on his right, CAPTAIN CORCORAN
left O/LORD DRAMALEIGH, CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXI;
right O/MR. GOLDBURY, MR. BLUSHINGTON extreme
right, SIR BAILEY BARRE extreme left.
440
UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
King. Like this ?
Lord Dram. Like this.
King. We take your word for it that this is all right. You
are not making fim of us? This is in accordance with the
practice at the Court of St. James's ?
Lord Dram. Well, it is in accordance with the practice at the
Court of St. James's Hall.
King. Oh ! it seems odd, but never mind.
SOXG. KIXG.
Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses,
Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces.
Chorus. Divorce is nearly obsolete in England.
King . No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour ;
For the higher his position is the greater the offender.
Chorus. That's a maxim that is prevalent in England.
King. No peeress at our Drawing-Roorn before the Presence passes
Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower-middle classes.
Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out neatly.
Chorus, In short, this happ3 T country has been Anglicized completely !
It really is surprising
What a thorough Anglicizing
We have brought about Utopia's quite another land ;
In her enterprising movements,
She is England with improvements,
Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land !
Kimj. Our city we have beautified we've done it willy-nilly
And all that isn't Belgrave Square is Strand and Piccadilly.
Chorus. We haven't any slummeries in England !
King. We have solved the labour question with discrimination
polished,
So poverty is obsolete and hunger is abolished
Chorus. We are going to abolish it in England.
King. The Chamberlain our native stage has purged, beyond a
question,
Of " risky " situation and indelicate suggestion ;
No piece is tolerated if it's costumed indiscreetly
Chorus. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com-
pletely !
It really is surprising, etc.
Kiny. Our Peerage we've remodelled on an intellectual basis,
Which certainly is rough on our hereditary races
Chorus. We are going to remodel it in England.
King. The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek admission,
And Literary Merit meets with proper recognition
Chorus. As Literary Merit does in England !
King. Who knows but we may count among our intellectual
chickens
Like you, an Earl of Thackeray and p'r'aps a Duke of
Dickens
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
441
Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come) we'll
welcome sweetly
Chorus. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com-
pletely !
It really is surprising, etc.
[At the end all rise and replace their chairs.
King. Now then, for our First Drawing-Room. Where are
the Princesses ? What an extraordinary thing it is that since
European looking-glasses have been supplied to the Royal bed-
rooms my daughters are invariably late !
Lord Dram. Sir, their Royal Highnesses await your pleasure
in the Ante-Room.
King. Oh. Then request them to do us the favour to enter
at once.
MARCH. Enter all the Royal Household, including (besides the
Lord Chamberlain) the Vice-Chamberlain, the Master of the
Horse, the Master of the Buckhounds, the Lord High
Treasurer, the Lord Steward, the Comptroller of the House-
hold, the Lord-in- Waiting, the Groom-in- Waiting, the Field
Officer in Brigade Waiting, the Gold and Silver Stick, and
the Gentlemen Ushers. Then enter the three Princesses
(their trains carried by Pages of Honour), LADY SOPHY,
and the Ladies-in-waiting.
King. My daughters, we are about to attempt a very solemn
ceremonial, so no giggling, if you please. Now, my Lord
Chamberlain, we are ready.
Lord Dram. Then, ladies and gentlemen, places if you please.
His Majesty will take his place in front of the throne, and
will be so obliging as to embrace all the debutantes. (LADY
SOPHY, much shocked.)
King. What must I really ?
Lord Dram. Absolutely indispensable.
King. More jam for the Palace Peeper I
[The KING takes his place in front of the throne, the
PRINCESS ZARA on his left. The two younger
Princesses on the left of ZARA.
King. Now, is every one in his place ?
Lord Dram. Every one is in his place.
King. Then let the revels commence.
Enter the Ladies attending the Drawing-Room. They give their
cards to the Groom-in- Waiting, who passes them to the
Lord-in-Waiting, who passes them to the Vice-Chamberlain,
who passes them to the Lord Chamberlain, ivho reads the
442 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
names to the KING as each lady approaches. The Ladies
curtsy in succession to the KING, and the three Princesses,
and pass out. When all the presentations have been accom-
plislied, the KING, Princesses, and LADY SOPHY come
forward, and all the Ladies re-enter.
EECITATIVE. KING.
This ceremonial our wish displays
To copy all Great Britain's courtly ways,
Though lofty aims catastrophe entail,
We'll gloriously succeed or nobly fail !
UNACCOMPANIED CHORUS.
Eagle high in cloudland soaring
Sparrow twittering on a reed
Tiger in the jungle roaring
Frightened fawn in grassy mead
Let the eagle, not the sparrow,
Be the object of your arrow
Fix the tiger with your eye
Pass the fawn in pity by.
Glory then will crown the day-
Glory, glory, anyway ! \_Thenexeunt all.
Enter SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, now dressed as judges in red and
ermine robes and undress wigs. They come down stage
melodramatically working together.
DUET. SCAPHIO AND PHANTIS.
Sen. With fury deep we burn
Phan. We do-
We fume with smothered rage.
These Englishmen who rule supreme
Their undertaking they redeem
By stifling every harmless scheme
In which we both engage
&a. They do
In which we both engage.
Both (with yrcut energy). For this mustn't be, and this won't do,
If you'll back me, then I'll back you,
Let's both agree, and we'll pull things through,
For this mustn't be, and this won't do.
No, this won't do,
No, this won't do,
No, this mustn't be,
And this won't do.
Enter the KING.
King. Gentlemen, gentlemen really ! This unseemly dis-
play of energy within the Royal Precincts is altogether
unpardonable. Pray what do you complain of?
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 443
Sect, (furiously'). What do we complain of? Why, through
the innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our
harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age are
rained. Oar Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our Cheap
Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing contracts
are paratyzed, and even our Society paper, the Palace Peeper,
is practically defunct !
King. Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry.
Sea. Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a
law of libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are
publicly flogged as in England ? And six of our editors have
resigned in succession ! Now, the editor of a scurrilous paper
can stand a good deal he takes a private thrashing as a matter
of course it's considered in his salary but no gentleman likes
to be publicly flogged.
King. Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself.
Phan. Then our burlesque Theatre is absolutely ruined !
King. Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it
was.
Phan. Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has
his own views as to the best means of elevating the national
drama, has declined to license any play that is not in blank
verse and three hundred years old as in England ?
Sea. And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor
has ordered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the
proscenium, in case of fire as in England.
Phan. It's so hard on the company who are liable to be
roasted alive and this has to be met by enormously increased
salaries as in England.
Sea. You probably know that we've contracted to supply the
entire nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you
do not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers
plead liability limited to a declared capital of eighteenpence,
and apply to be dealt with under the Winding-tip Act as in
England ?
King. Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. If you will
be so good as to formulate a detailed list of your grievances in
writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia (Limited'), they
will be laid before the Board, in due course, at their next
monthly meeting.
Sea. Are we to understand that we are defied ?
King. That is the idea I intended to convey.
Phan. Defied ! We are defied !
Sea. (furiously}. Take care you know our powers. Trifle
with us, and you die !
44* UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR,
TRIO. SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, AND KING.
Sea. If you think that when banded in unity,
We may both be defied with impunity,
You are sadly misled of a verity !
Phan. If you value repose and tranquillity,
You'll revert to a state of docility,
Or prepare to regret your temerity !
King. If my speech is unduly refractory
You will find it a course satisfactory
At an early Board meeting to show it up.
Though if proper excuse you can trump any,
You may wind up a Limited Company,
You cannot conveniently blow it up !
[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS thoroughly lafflcd.
King, (dancing quietly). Whene'er I chance to baffle you
I, also, dance a step or two
Of this now guess the hidden sense :
[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS consider the question as KING
continues dancing quietly then give it up.
It means complete indifference
All three (dancing quietly). Indifference indifference
Of course it does indifference !
\y > might have guessed its hidden sense.
It means complete indifference !
[SCAPHIO and PHANTIS dancing furiously.
King, (dancing quietly). As we've a dance for every mood
With pas de trois we will conclude.
What this may mean you all may guess
Sea. and. Phan. \ It typifies remorselessness !
King. j It means unruffled cheerfulness !
[KING dances off placidly as SCAPHIO and PHANTIS dance
furiously.
Phan. (breathless}. He's right we are helpless! He's no
longer a human being he's a Corporation, and so long as he
confines himself to his Articles of Association we can't touch
him ! What are we to do ?
Sea. Do? Kaise a Eevolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two,
reconvert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate
explosion ! (TARARA enters.) Tarara, come here ; you're the
very man we want.
Tar. Certainly, allow me. (Offers a cracker to each, they
snatch them away impatiently.) That's rude.
Sea. We have no time for idle forms. You wish to succeed
to the throne?
Tar. Naturally.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 445
Sea. Then you won't unless you join us. The King has
defied us, and, as matters stand, we are helpless. So are you.
We must devise some plot at once to bring the people about his
ears.
Tar. A plot ?
Plian. Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety. Have you such
a thing about you ?
Tar. (feeling}. No, I think not. No. There's one on my
dressing-table.
Sea. We can't wait we must concoct one at once, an 1 put
it into execution without delay. There is not a moment to
spare !
TRIO. SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, AND TARAKA.
ENSEMBLE.
With wily brain upon the spot
A private plot we'll plan,
The most ingenious private plot
Since private plots began.
That's understood. So far we've got
And, striking while the iron's hot,
We'll now determine like a shot
The details of this private plot.
Sea. I think we ought [Whispers.
Phan. and Tar. Such bosh I never heard !
Phan. Ah ! happy thought ! [Whispers.
Sea. and Tar. How utterly dashed absurd !
Tar. I'll tell you how [ Whispers.
Sea. and Phan. " Why, what put that in your head ?
Sea. I've got it now [ \Vhispers.
Oh ! take him away to bed !
Phan. Oh, put him to bed !
Tar. Oh, put him to bed !
Sea. What ! put me to bed ?
Phan. and Tar. Yes, put him to bed !
Sea. But, bless me, don't you see
Phan. Do listen to me, I pray
Tar. It certainly seems to me
Sea. Bah this is the only way !
Phan. It's rubbish absurd you growl !
Tar. You talk ridiculous stuff 1
Sea. You're a drivelling barndoor owl !
Phan. You're a vapid and vain old muff !
[AH coming down to audience.
So far we haven't quite solved the plot ,
They're not a very ingenious lot
But don't be unhappy,
It's still on the tapis,
We'll presently hit on a capital plot !
446 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Sea. Suppose we all- [ Whispers.
Phan. Now there I think you're right.
Then we might all [ Whispers.
Tar. That's true we certainly might.
I'll tell you what [Whispers
Sea. We will if we possibly can.
Then on the spot [Whispers.
Phan. and Tar. Bravo ! a capital plan !
Sea. That's exceedingly neat and new !
Phan. Exceedingly new and neat !
Tar. I fancy that that will do.
Sea. It's certainly very complete !
Phan. Well done, you sly old sap !
Tar. Bravo, you cunning old mole !
Sea. You very ingenious chap !
Phan. You intellectual soul !
\_All, coming down, and addressing audience.
At last a capital plan we've got ;
Never mind why and never mind what :
It's safe in my noddle
Now off we will toddle,
And slyly develop this capital plot !
[Business. Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS in one direc-
tion , and TAR ABA in the other.
Enter LORD DRAMALEIGH and MR. GOLDBURY.
Lord Dram. Well, what do you think of our first South
Pacific Drawing-Piooru ? Allowing for a slight difficulty with
the trains, and a little want of familiarity with the use of the
rouge-pot, it was, on the whole, a meritorious affair ?
Gold. My dear Dramaleigh, it redounds infinitely to your
credit.
Lord Dram. Oue or two judicious innovations, I think ?
Gold. Admirable. The cup of tea and the plate of mixed
biscuits were a cheap and effective inspiration.
Lord Dram. Yes my idea, entirely. Never been done
before.
Gold. Pretty little maids, the King's youngest daughters,
but timid.
Lord Dram. That'll wear off. Young.
Gold. That'll wear off. Ha ! here they come, by George !
And without the Dragon ! What can they have done with her ?
Enter NEKAYA and KALYBA, timidly.
Nek. Oh, if you please Lady Sophy has sent us in here,
because Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe are going on, in the
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 447
garden, in a manner which no well conducted young ladies
ought to witness.
Lord Dram. Indeed, we are very much obliged to her Lady-
ship.
Kal. Are you ? I wonder why.
Nek. Don't tell us if it's rude.
Lord Dram. Eude ? Not at all. We are obliged to Lady
Sophy because she has afforded us the pleasure of seeing
you.
Nek. I don't think you ought to talk to us like that.
Kdl. It's calculated to turn our heads.
Nek. Attractive girls cannot be too particular.
Kal. Oh, pray, pray do not take advantage of our unpro-
tected innocence.
Gold. Pray be reassured you are in no danger whatever.
Lord Dram. But may I ask is this extreme delicacy tins
shrinking sensitiveness a general characteristic of Utopian
young ladies ?
Nek. Oh no ; we are crack specimens.
Kal. We are the pick of the basket. Would you mind not
corning quite so near? Thank you.
Nek. And please don't look at us like that ; it unsettles us.
Kal. And we don't like it. At least, we do like it ; but it's
wrong.
Nek. We have enjoyed the inestimable privilege of being
educated by a most refined and easily-shocked English Iad3 r , on
the very strictest English principles.
Gold. But, my dear young ladies
Kal. Oh, don't. .You mustn't. It's too affectionate.
Nek. It really does unsettle us.
Gold. Are you really under the impression that English girls
are so ridiculously demure? Why, an English girl of the
highest type is the best, the most beautiful, the bravest, and
the brightest creature that Heaven has conferred upon this
world of ours. She is frank, open-hearted, and fearless, and
never shows in so favourable a light as when she gives her own
blameless impulses full play !
Nek. and Kal. Oh, you shocking story !
Gold. Not at all. I'm speaking the strict truth. I'll tell
you nil about her.
SONG. MR. GOLDBURY.
A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,
In her magnificent comeliness,
Is an English girl of eleven stone two,
And five foot ten in her dancing shoe !
448 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
She follows the hounds, and on she pounds
The " field " tails off. and the muffs diminish
Over the hedges and brooks she bounds
Straight as a crow, from find to finish.
At cricket, her kin will lose or win-
She and her maids, on grass and clover,
Eleven maids out eleven maids in
And perhaps an occasional "maiden over ! "
Go search the world and search the sea,
Then come you home and sing with me
There's no such gold and no such pearl
As a bright and beautiful English girl !
With a ten mile spin she stretches her limbs,
She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims-
She plays, she sings, she dances, too,
From ten or eleven till all is blue !
At ball or drum, till small hours come,
(Chaperon's fan conceals her yawning)
She'll waltz away like a teetotum,
And never go home till daylight's dawning.
Lawn-tennis may share her favours fair
Her eyes a-dance and her cheeks a-glowing
Down comes her hair, but what does she care ?
It's all her own and it's worth the showing !
Go search the world, etc.
Her soul is sweet as the ocean air,
For prudery knows no haven there ;
To find mock-modesty, please apply
To the conscious blush and the downcast eye.
Kich in the things contentment brings,
In every pure enjoyment wealthy,
Blithe as a beautiful bird she sings,
For body and mind are hale and healthy.
Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill
Her heart is light as a floating feather
As pure and bright as the mountain rill
That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather !
Go search the world, etc.
QUARTETTE.
Nek. Then I may sing and play ?
Lord Dram. You may !
Kal. And I may laugh and shout ?
Gold. No doubt !
Nek. These maxims you endorse ?
Lord Dram. Of course !
Kal. You won't exclaim " Oh fie ! "
Gold. Not I !
Gold. Whatever you are be that :
Whatever you say be true :
Straightforwardly act
Be honest in fact,
Be nobody else but you.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 449
Lord Dram. Give every answer pat
Your character true unfurl ;
And when it is ripe,
You'll then be a type
Of a capital English girl !
All. Oh, sweet surprise oh, dear delight,
To find it undisputed quite,
All musty, fusty rules despite,
That Art is wrong and Nature right !
Nek. When happy I,
With laughter glad
I'll wake the echoes fairly,
And only sigh
When I am sad
And that will be but rarely !
Kal. I'll row and fish,
And gallop, soon-
No longer be a prim one
And when I wish
To hum a tune,
It needn't be a hymn one?
Gold, and Lord Dram. No, no !
It needn't be a hymn one !
All (dancing). Oh, sweet surprise and dear delight
To find it undisputed quite-
All musty, fusty rules despite
That Art' is wrong and Nature right !
[Dance, and off.
Enter LADY SOPHY.
RECITATIVE. LADY SOPHY.
Oh, would some demon power the gift impart
To quell my over-conscientious heart
TJnspeak the oaths that never had been spoken,
And break the vows that never shall be broken !
SONG. LADY SOPHY.
When but a maid of fifteen year,
Unsought unplighted
Short petticoated and, I fear,
Still shorter-sighted
I made a vow, one early spring,
That only to some spotless king
Who proof of blameless life could bring
I'd be united.
For I had read, not long before,
Of blameless kings in fairy lore,
And thought the race still flourished here
Well, well
I was a maid of fifteen year !
HI. 2 G
45 o UTOPIA, LIMITED ; OR,
The KING enters and overhears this verse.
Each morning I pursued my game
(An early riser) ;
For spotless monarchs I became
An advertiser :
But all in vain I searched each land,
So, kingless, to my native strand
Returned, a little older, and
A good deal wiser !
I learnt that spotless King and Prince
Have disappeared some ages since
Even Paramount's angelic grace,
Ah, me !
Is but a mask on Nature's face !
[KING comes forward.
RECITATIVE.
King. Ah, Lady Sophy then you love me !
For so you sing
Lady 8. No, by the stars that shine above me
(indignant and surprised). Degraded King !
(Producing Palace Peeper.)
For while these rumours, through the city bruited
Remain uncontradicted, unrefuted,
The object thou of my aversion rooted,
Repulsive thing !
King. Be just the time is now at hand
When truth may published be,
These paragraphs were written and
Contributed by me !
Lady S. By you ? No, no !
King. Yes, yes, I swear, by me !
I, caught in Scaphio's ruthless toil,
Contributed the lot !
Lady S. And that is why you did not boil
The author on the spot !
King. And that is why I did not boil
The author on the spot !
Lady S. I couldn't think why you did not boil.
King. But /know why I did not boil
The author on the spot !
DUET. LADY SOPHY AND KING.
Lady S. Oh, the rapture unrestrained
Of a candid retractation 5
For my sovereign has deigned
A convincing explanation
And the clouds that gathered o'er,
All have vanished in the distance
And of Kings of fairy lore
One, at least, is in existence !
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 451
King. Oh, the skies are blue above,
And the earth is red and rosal,
Now the lady of my love
Has accepted my proposal !
For that asinorum pons
I have crossed without assistance,
And of prudish paragons
One* at least, is in existence !
KiNG and LADY SOPHY dance gracefully. While this is
going on LORD DRAMALEIGH enters unobserved with
NEKAYA and MR. GOLDBURY with KALYBA. Then
enter ZARA and CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE. The two
Girls direct ZARA'S attention to the KING and LADY
SOPHY, who are still dancing affectionately together.
At this point the KING kisses LADY SOPHY, which
causes the Princesses to make an exclamation. The
KING and LADY SOPHY are at first much confused
at being detected, but eventually throw off all reserve,
and the four couples break into a wild Tarantella,
and at the end exeunt severally*
Enter all the' male Chorus, in great excitement^ from various
entrances, led by SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, and TARARA, and
followed by the female Chorus.
CHORUS.
Upon our sea-girt land
At our enforced command
Reform has laid her hand
Like some remorseless ogress
And make us darkly rue
The deeds she dared to do
And all is owing to
Those hated Flowers of Progress !
All. So down with them I
So down with them !
Reform's a hated ogress.
So down with them !
So down with them !
Down with the Flowers of Progress !
Flourish. Enter KING, his three Daughters, LADY SOPHY,
and the FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
King. What means this most unmannerly irruption?
Is this your gratitude for boons conferred?
Sea. Boons ? Bah ! A fico for such boons, say we !
These boons have brought Utopia to a standstill !
Our pride and boast the Army and the Navy-
Have both been re-constructed and re-modelled
452 UTOPIA, LIMITED; OR,
Upon so irresistible a basis
That all the neighbouring nations have disarmed
And War's impossible ! Your County Councillor
Has passed such drastic Sanitary laws
That all the doctors dwindle, starve, and die !
The laws, remodelled by Sir Bailey Barre,
Have quite extinguished crime and litigation :
The lawyers starve, and all the jails are let
As model lodgings for the working-classes !
In short-
Utopia, swamped by dull Prosperity,
Demands that these detested Flowers of Progress
Be sent about their business, and affairs
Restored to their original complexion 1
King (to ZARA). My daughter, this is a very unpleasant state
of things. What is to be done ?
Zara. I don't know I don't understand it. We must have
omitted something,
King. Omitted something? Yes, that y s all very well,
but [SiR BAILEY BARRE whispers to ZARA,
Zara (suddenly). Of course ! Now I remember ! Why, I
had forgotten the most essential element of all 1
King. And that is
Zara. Government by Party f Introduce that great and
glorious element at once the bulwark and foundation of
England's greatness and all will be well ! No political
measures will endure, because one Party will assuredly undo all
that the other party has done; and while grouse is to be shot,
and foxes worried to death, the legislative action of the country
will be at a standstill. Then there will be sickness in plenty,
endless lawsuits, crowded jails, interminable confusion in the
Army and Navy, and, in short, general and unexampled
prosperity !
All. Ulahlica! Ulahlica I
Phan. (aside). Baffled !
Sea. But an hour will come !
King. Your hour has come already away with them, and
let them wait my will ! (ScAPHio and PHANTIS are led off in
custody.') From this moment Government by Party is adopted,
with all its attendant blessings ; and henceforward Utopia will
no longer be a Monarchy (Limited), but, what is a great deal
better, a Limited Monarchy !
FINALE.
Zara. There's a little group of isles beyond the wave
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is
That nation is the bravest of the brave,
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities.
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS. 453
The. proudest nations kneel at her command ;
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions ;
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand
With half a score invincible battalions !
Such, at least, is the tale
Which is borne on the gale,
From the island which dwells in the sea.
Let us hope, for her sake,
That she makes no mistake-
That she's all she professes to be !
King. Oh, may we copy all her maxims wise,
And imitate her virtues and her charities ;
And may we, by degrees, acclimatize
Her Parliamentary peculiarities !
By doing so, we shall, in course of time,
Regenerate completely our entire land
Great Britain is that monarchy sublime,
To which some add (but others do not) Ireland.
Such, at least, is the tale, etc.
CURTAIN.
PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES.
^tr
Si Utet of Boofts $3uilurf)crr
CHATTO & WINDUS
214, Piccadilly, London, W.
A BOUT. THE FELLAH : An Egyptian Novel. By EDMOND ABOUT.
Translated by Sir RANDAL ROBERTS. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
ADAMS (W. DAVENPORT), WORKS BY.
A DICTIONARY OF THE DRAMA : The Plays, Playwrights, Players, and Playhouses
of the United Kingdom and America. Cr. 8vo, half-bound, 12s. 6*1. [Preparing.
QUIPS AND QUIDDITIES. Selected by W. D. ADAMS. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
AGONY COLUMN (THE) OF "THE TIMES," from 1800 to 1870.
Edited, with an Introduction, by ALICE CLAY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2*. Od.
AIDE (HAMILTON), WORKS BY. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
CARR OF CARRLYON. I CONFIDENCES.
ALBERT. BROOKE FINCHLEY'S DAUGHTER.
Post 8vo, picture boards, 2s. ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
By MARY ALBERT.
ALDEN. A LOST SOUL. By W. L. ALDEN. Fcap. 8vo, cl. bds., is. d.
ALEXANDERTMRS.), NOVELS BY. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
MAID, WIFE, OR WIDOW? | VALERIE'S FATE.
ALLEN (F. M.). GREEN AS GRASS. By F. M. ALLEN, Author of
"Through Green Glasses." Frontispiece by J. SMYTH. Cr. 8vo, cloth ex., it*. Cd.
ALLEN (GRANT), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. each'
THE EVOLUTIONIST AT LARGE. | COLIN CLOUT'S CALENDAR.
POST-PRANDIAL PHILOSOPHY. Crown Svo. linen, 3s. 6d.
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. ttd. each ; post Svo, illustrated boards, **. each.
PHILISTIA.
BABYLON.
STRANGE STORIES.
BECKONING HAND.
FOR MAIMIE'S SAKE.
IN ALL SHADES.
THE DEVIL'S DIE.
THIS MORTAL COIL.
THE TENTS OF SHEW.
THE GREAT TABOO.
DUMARESQ'S DAUGHTER.
THE DUCHESS OF
POWYSLAND.
BLOOD ROYAL.
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
IVAN GREET'S MASTERPIECE, &c. With a Frontispiece by STANLEY L. WOOD.
THE SCALLYWAG. With a Frontispiece.
DR. PALLISER'S PATIENT. Fcap. Svo. cloth extra. Is. d.
! ARCHITECTURAL STYLES, A HANDBOOK OF. By A. ROSENGAR-
TEN. Translated by W. COLLETT-SANDARS. With 639 Illusts. Cr. Svo, cl. ex., 7s. 6d.
i ART (THE) OF AMUSING : A Collection of Graceful Arts, GAMES,
Tricks, Puzzles, and Charades. By FRANK BELLEW. soolllusts. Cr. Svo. cl. ex., 4s. 6d.
ARNOLD (EDWINHLESTER), WORKS BY7~
THE WONDERFUL ADVENTURES OF PHRA THE PHOENICIAN. With 12 Illusts
by H. M. PAGET. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. <d. ; post Svo, illust. boards, ii<.
THE CONSTABLE OF ST. NICHOLAS. With a Frontispiece by STANLEY WOOD.
Crown Svo, cloth, 3. td.
BIRD LIFE IN ENGLAND. Crown Svo. cloth extra. 6.
ARTEMUS WARD'S WORKS. With Portrait and Facsimile. CrWc
8vo, cloth extra, 7s. Gd. Also a POPULAR EDITION, post Svo, picture boards, 2.
THE GENIAL SHOWMAN: Life and Adventures of ARTEMUS WARD. By EDWARD
P. KINGSTON. Witb a Frontispiece. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3*. 6d.
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
ASHTON (JOHN), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. tid. each.
HISTORY OF THE CHAP-BOOKS OP THE 18th CENTURY. With 334 Illusts.
SOCIAL LIFE IN THE REIGN OF QUEEN ANNE. With 85 Illustrations.
HUMOUR, WIT, AND SATIRE OF SEVENTEENTH CENTURY. With 82 Illnsts.
ENGLISH CARICATURE AND SATIRE ON NAPOLEON THE FIRST. 115 Illusts.
MODERN STREET BALLADS. With 57 Illustrations.
PACTERIA, YEAST FUNGI, AND ALLIED SPECIES, A SYNOPSIS
OP. By W. B. GROVE, B.A. With 87 Illustrations, Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. ttd.
BARDSLEY (REV. C. W.), WORKS BY.
ENGLISH SURNAMES: Their Sources and Significations. Cr. 8vo, cloth, 7s. 6d.
CURIOSITIES OF PURITAN NOMENCLATURE. Crown 8vo. cloth extra. 6n.
BARING GOULD (S., Author of "John Herring," &c.), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6<1. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
RED SPIDER. I EVE.
BARR (ROBERT : LUKE SHARP), STORIES BY. Cr. 8vo, ci., 3s. d. e .i.
IN A STEAMER CHAIR. With Frontispiece and Vignette by DEMAIN HAMMOND.
FROM WHOSE BOURNE, &c. With 47 Illustrations.
BARRETT (FRANK, Author of " Lady Biddy Fane,") NOVELS BY.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each ; cloth, 2s. Oil. each.
FETTERED FOR LIFE.
THE SIN OF OLGA ZASSOULICH.
BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.
FOLLY MORRISON. I HONEST DAYIE.
LITTLE LADY LINTON.
A PRODIGAL'S PROGRESS.
JOHN FORD; and HIS HELPMATE.
A RECOILING VENGEANCE.
LIEUT.BARNABAS. | FOUND GUILTY.
FOR LOVE AND HONOUR.
THE WOMAN OF THE IRON BRACELETS. Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. <id. [Shortly.
BEACQNSFIELD, LORD. By T. P. O'CONNOR. M.P. Cr. 8vo. cloth, 5s.
BEAUCHAMP. GRANTLEY GRANGE: A Novel. By SHELSLEY
BEAUCHAMP. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
BEAUTIFUL PICTURES BY BRITISH ARTISTS : A Gathering from
the Picture Galleries, engraved on Steel. Imperial 4to, cloth extra, gilt edges, 21s.
BECHSTEIN. AS PRETTY AS SEVEN, and other German Stories.
Collected by LUDWIG BECHSTEIN. With Additional Tales by the Brothers GRIMM,
and 98 Illustrations by RICHTER. Square 8vo, cloth extra. Os. 6d.; gilt edges, 7a. 6d.
BEERBOHM. WANDERINGS IN PATAGONIA; or, Life among the
Ostrich Hunters. By JULIUS BEERBOHM. With Illusts. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra. 3s. 6d.
BENNETT (W. C., LL.D.), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, cloth limp. x. each.
A BALLAD HISTORY OF ENGLAND. | SONGS FOR SAILORS.
BESANT (WALTER), NOVELS BY.
Cr. 8vo, cl. ex., 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo. illust. bds., 2s. each; cl. limp, 2s. <><!. each.
ALL SORTS AND CONDITIONS OF MEN. With Illustrations by FRED. BARNARD.
THE CAPTAINS' ROOM, &c. With Frontispiece by E. J. WHEELER.
ALL IN A GARDEN FAIR. With 6 Illustrations by HARRY FURNISS
DOROTHY FORSTER. With Frontispiece by CHARLES GREEN.
UNCLE JACK, and other Stones. | CHILDREN OF GIBBON.
THE WORLD WENT VERY WELL THEN. With 12 Illustrations by A. FORESTIER
HERR PAULUS: His Rise, his Greatness, and his Fall.
FOR FAITH AND FREEDOM. With Illustrations by A. FORESTIER and F. WADDV
TO CALL HER MINE, &c. With 9 Illustrations by A. FORESTIER.
THE BELL OF ST. PAUL'S.
THE HOLY ROSE, &c. With Frontispiece by F.BARNARD.
ARMOREL OF LYONESSE: A Romance of To-day. With 12 Illusts bvF BARNARD
ST. KATHERINE'S BY THE TOWER. With 12 page Illustrations by C. GREEN.
VERBENA CAMELLIA STEPHANOTIS, &c. J_ THE IVORY GATE: A Novel.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
THE REBEL QUEEN. | IN DEACON'S ORDERS. [Shortly.
FIFTY YEARS AGO. With 144 Plates and Woodcuts. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s.
THE EULOGY OF RICHARD JEFFERIES. With Portrait. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, .
THE ART 0*' FICTION. Demy 8vo, Is.
LONDON. With 124 Illustrations. Demy 8vo, cloth extra, 18s.
SIR RICHARD WHITTINGTON. Frontispiece. Crown 8vo, Irish Linen, 3s. 6d.
GASPARD DE COLIGNY. With a Portrait. Crown 8vo, Irish linen, 3s. 6d.
WALTER BESANT: A Study. By JOHN UNDERBILL, Cr. 8vo, linen, 6s. [Shortly.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY.
BBS ANT (WALTER) AND JAMES RICE, NOVELS BY.
Cr. Svo, cl. ex., 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illust. bds,, 2*. each; cl. limp, vl*. <)<!. each
READY-MONEY MORTIBOY. BY CELIA'S ARBOUR.
MY LITTLE GIRL.
WITH HARP AND GROWN.
THIS SON OF VULCAN.
THE GOLDEN BUTTERFLY.
THE MONKS OF THELEMA.
THE CHAPLAIN OF THE FLEET.
THE SEAMY SIDE.
THE CASE OF MR. LUCRAFT, &c.
'TWAS IN TRAFALGAR'S BAY, &c.
THE TEN YEARS' TENANT, &c.
%* There Is also a LIBRARY EDITION of the above Twelve Volumes, handsomely
Set In new type, on a large orown Svo page, and bound in cloth extra, 6s. each.
BEWICK (THOMAS) AND HIS PUPILS. By AUSTIN DOBSON. With
95 Illustrations. Square Svo, cloth extra, 6s.
BIERCE. IN THE MIDST OF LIFE : Tales of Soldiers and Civilians,
By AMBROSE BIERCE. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s.; post Svo, illustrated boards, 2a.
BLACKBURN'S (HENRY) ART HANDBOOKS.
ACADEMY NOTES, separate years, from 1873-1887, 1889-1892, each Is.
ACADEMY NOTES, 1893. With Illustrations. Is.
ACADEMY NOTES, 1873-79. Complete in One Vol., with 600 Illusts. Cloth limp, 6s.
ACADEMY NOTES, 1880-84. Complete in One Vol. with 700 Illusts Cloth limp. 6s.
GR08YENOR NOTES, 1877. 6<l.
GROSYENOR NOTES, separate years, from 1878 to 1890, each Is.
GROSYENOR NOTES, Vol. I., 1877-82. With 300 Illusts. Demy Svo, cloth limp, 6s.
GROSYENOR NOTES, Vol. II., 1883-87. With 300 Illusts. Demy Svo, cloth limp, 6s.
GROSYENOR NOTES, Vol. III., 1888-90. With 230 Illusts. Demy Svo, cloth, 3s 6d.
THE NEW GALLERY, 1888-1892. With numerous Illustrations, each Is.
THE NEW GALLERY, 1893. With Illustrations. Is.
THE NEW GALLERY, Vol. I., 1888-1892. With 250 Illusts. Demy Svo, cloth, 6s.
ENGLISH PICTURES AT THE NATIONAL GALLERY. 114 Illustrations. Is.
OLD MASTERS AT THE NATIONAL GALLERY. 128 Illustrations. Is. 6il.
ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE TO THE NATIONAL GALLERY. 242 Illusts. cl., 3s.
THE PARIS SALON, 1893. With Facsimile Sketches. 3s.
THE PARIS SOCIETY OF FINE ARTS, 1893. With Sketches. 3s. 6d. _
BLAKE (WILLIAM) : India-proof Etchings from his Works by WILLIAM
BELL SCOTT. With descriptive Text. Folio, half-bound boards, 21s. _
BLIND (MATHILDE), Poems by. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 5s. each.
THE ASCENT OF MAN.
DRAMAS IN MINIATURE. With a Frontispiece by FORD MADOX BROWN.
SONGS AND SONNETS. Fcap. Svo, vellum and gold. _ ^
BOURNE (H. R. FOX), WORKS BY.
ENGLISH MERCHANTS : Memoirs in Illustration of the Progress of British Com-
merce. With numerous Illustrations. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
ENGLISH NEWSPAPERS: The History of Journalism. Two Vols., demy Svo, cl., 25s.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EMIN PASHA RELIEF EXPEDITION. Cr. Svo. 6.
BOWERS. LEAVES FROM A HUNTING JOURNAL. By GEORGE
BOWERS. Oblong folio, half-bound, 2 is. _ __
BOYLE (FREDERICK), WORKS BY. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
CHRONICLES OF NO-MAN'S LAND. | CAMP NOTES. | _ SAVAGE LIFE.
BRAND'S OBSERVATIONS ON POPULAR ANTIQUITIES ; chiefly
illustrating the Origin of our Vulgar Customs, Ceremonies, and Superstitions. With
the Additions of Sir HENRY ELLIS, and Illustrations. Cr. Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
BREWER (REV. DR.), WORKS BY.
THE READER'S HANDBOOK OF ALLUSIONS, REFERENCES, PLOTS, AND
STORIES. Fifteenth Thousand; Crown Hvo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
AUTHORS AND THEIR WORKS, WITH THE DATES: Being the Appendices to
" The Reader's Handbook," separately printed. Crown Svo, cloth limp, 2s.
A DICTIONARY OF MIRACLES. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. fid.
BREWSTER (SIR DAVID), WORKS BY. Post Svo, cl. ex., 4s. j.i.
MORE WORLDS THAN ONE : Creed ot Philosopher and Hope of Christian. Plates.
THE MARTYRS OF SCIENCE: GALILEO.TYCHO BRAHE, and KEPLER. With Portraits.
LETTERS ON NATURAL MAGIC. With numerous Illustrations. __
BRILLAT^SAVARIir^(rASTRONOMYTSA FINE ART. By BRILLAT.
SAVARIN, Translated by R, E. ANDERSON, M,A. Post Svo, half-bound, 2s,
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
BRET HARTE, WORKS BY.
LIBRARY EDITION. In Seven Volamea, crown 8vo, cloth extra, fls. each.
BRET HARTE'S COLLECTED WORKS. Arranged and Revised by the Author.
Vol. I. COMPLETE POETICAL AND DRAMATIC WORKS. With Steel Portrait.
Vol. II. LUCK OF ROARING CAMP BOHEMIAN PAPERS AMERICAN LEGENDS.
Vol. III. TALES OF THE ARGONAUTS EASTERN SKETCHES.
Vol. IV. GABRIEL CONROY. | Vol. V, STORIES CONDENSED NOVELS, &c.
Vol. VI. TALES OF THE PACIFIC SLOPE.
Vol. VII. TALES OF THE PACIFIC SLOPE II. With Portrait by JOHN PETTIE, R.A.
Vol.VIII. SALLY Dows, &c. [Shortly.
THE SELECT WORKS OF BRET HARTE, in Prose and Poetry With Introductory
Essay by J. M. BELLE w, Portrait of Author, and 50 Illusts. Cr.Svo, cl. ex.. 7s. (Jd.
BRET HARTE'S POETICAL WORKS. Hand-made paper &buckram. Cr.Svo, 4s.tid.
THE QUEEN OF THE PIRATE ISLE. With 28 original Drawings by KATE
GREENAWAY, reproduced in Colours by EDMUND EVANS. Small 4to, cloth, 5s.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
& WAIF OF THE PLAINS. With 60 Illustrations by STANLEY L. WOOD.
A WARD OF THE GOLDEN GATE. With 59 Illustrations by STANLEY L WOOD.
A SAPPHO OF GREEN SPRINGS, &c. With Two Illustrations bv HUME NISBET.
COLONEL STARBOTTLE'S CLIENT, AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE. With a
Frontispiece by FRED. BARNARD.
SUSY: A Novel. With Frontispiece and Vignette by J. A. CHRISTIE.
SALLY DOWS, &c. With 47 Illustrations by W. D. ALMOND, &c.
A PROTEGEE OF JACK HAM LIN'S. With 26 Illustrations by W. SMALL, &C.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
GABRIEL CONROY. I THE LUCK OF ROARING CAMP, &c.
AN HEIRESS OF RED DOG, &c. | CALIFORNIA!! STORIES.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each ; cloth limp, 2s. Od. each.
FLIP. | MARUJA. | A PHYLLIS OF THE SIERRAS.
Fcap. 8vo, picture cover, Is. each.
SNOW BOUND AT EAGLE'S. | JEFF BRIGGS'S LOVE STORY.
BRYDGES. -UNCLE SAM AT HOME. By HAROLD BRYDGES. Post
8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
BUCHANAN'S (ROBERT) WORKS. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. &
SELECTED POEMS OF ROBERT BUCHANAN. With Frontispiece by T.
each.
. .__.__ _. DALZIEL.
THE EARTHQUAKE; or, Six Days and a Sabbath.
THE CITY OF DREAM: An Epic Poem. With Two Illustrations by P. MACNAB.
'HE WANDERING JEW : A Christmas Carol, ^econd Edition.
HE OUTCAST : A Rhyme for the Time. With'is Illustrations by RUDOLF BLIND,
PETER MACNAB, and HUME NISBET. Small demy 8vo, cloth extra, 8s.
iOBERT BUCHANAN'S COMPLETE POETICAL WORKS. With Steel-plate Por-
trait. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE SHADOW OF THE SWORD.
A CHILD OF NATURE. Frontispiece.
GOD AND THE MAN. With n Illus-
trations by FRED. BARNARD.
THE MARTYRDOM OF MADELINE.
With Frontispiece by A. W. COOPER.
LOYE ME FOR EVER. Frontispiece.
ANNAN WATER. | FOXGLOVE MANOR.
THE NEW ABELARD.
MATT : A Story ot a Caravan. Front.
THE MASTER OF THE MINE. Front.
THE HEIR OF LINNE.
WOMAN AND THE MAN. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. \Skortly.
J8URTON (CAPTAIN). -THE BOOK OF THE SWORD~By RICHARD
F. BURTON. With over 400 Illustrations. Demy 4to, cloth extra. 32s.
BURTON (ROBERT)T
THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY: A New Edition, with translations ol the
Classical Extracts. Demy 8vo, cloth extra, ^s. Od.
MELANCHOLY ANATOMISED Being an Abridgment, for popular use, ol BURTON'S
ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. (id.
PAINE (T. HALL), NOVELS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. (id. each;
post 8vo. illustrated boards, 2s. each; cloth limp, 2s. (id. each.
_ SHADOW OF A CRIME. | A SON OF HAGAR. | THE DEEMSTER.
CAMERON (COMMANDER). -THE CRUISE OF "THE~ 7? BLACK
RIYATEER. By V. LOVETT CAMERON, R.N. Post 8vo. boards 2s.
CAMERON (MRS. H. LOVETT), NOVELS BY. Post BVO, must. bd S .,a..Tach.
JULIET'S GUARDIAN. | DECEIVERS EYEfii
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 5
CARLYLE (THOMAS) ON THE CHOICE OF BOOKSi With Life
by R. H. SHEPHERD, and Three Illustrations. Post 8vo, cloth extra, Is. 6d.
CORRESPONDENCE OF THOMAS CARLYLE ANDR. W. EMERSON, 1834 to 1872.
Edited by C. E. NORTON. With Portraits. Two Vols., crown 8vo, cloth, 24s.
CARLYLE (JANE WELSH), LIFE OF. By Mrs. ALEXANDER IRELAND.
With Portrait and Facsimile Letter. Small demy 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. Oil.
CHAPMAN'S (GEORGE) WORKS."Vol. I. contains the Plays complete,
including the doubtful ones. Vol. II., the Poems and Minor Translations, with an
Introductory Essay by ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE. Vol. III., the Translations
of the Iliad and Odyssey. Three Vols., crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. each.
CHATTO AND JACKSON. A TREATISE ON WOOD ENGRAVING?
By W. A. CHATTO and J. JACKSON. With 450 fine Illusts. Large 4to, hf.-bd., 28s.
CHAUCER FOR CHILDREN : A Golden Key. By Mrs. H. R. HAWEIS.
With 8 Coloured Plates and 30 Woodcuts. Small 410, cloth extra, 3s. Od.
CHAUCER FOR SCHOOLS. By Mrs. H. R. HAWEIS. DemySvo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
CLARE. FOR THE LOVE OF A LASS : A Tale of Tynedale. By
AUSTIN CLARE. Post 8vo, picture boards, jjs. ; cloth limp, 2s. <><!.
CLIVE~(MRS. ARCHER)i~NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, must, boards 2s. each.
PAUL FERROLL. | WHY PAUL FERROLL KILLED HIS WIFE.
CLODD.-MYTHS AND DREAMS. By EDWARD CLODD, F.R.A.S.
Second Edition, Revised. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
COBBAN (J. MACLAREN), NOVELS^YT
THE CURE OF SOULS. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
THE RED SULTAN. Crown 8vo ( cloth extra, 3s. ttd.
THE BURDEN OF ISABEL. Three Vols, crown 8vo.
COLEMAN (JOHN), WORKS BY.
PLAYERS AND PLAYWRIGHTS I HAVE KNOWN. Two Vols., 8vo, cloth, 24s.
CU RLY; An Actor's Story. With 21 Illusts. by J. C. DOLLMAN. Cr. 8vo, cl., Is. 6d.
COLERIDGE. THE SEVEN SLEEPERS OF EPHESUS. By M. E~
COLERIDGE. Fcap. 8vo, cloth, Is. fid.
COLLINS~(C. ALLSTON).-THE BAR SINISTER. Post 8vo, 2sT
COLLINS (MORTIMER AND FRANCES), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
FROM MIDNIGHT TO MIDNIGHT. | BLACKSMITH AND SCHOLAR.
TRANSMIGRATION. | YOU PLAY ME FALSE. | A VILLAGE COMEDY.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
SWEET ANNE PAGE. | FIGHT WITH FORTUNE. | SWEET & TWENTY. | FRANCES.
COLLINS (WILKIE), NOVELS BY.
Cr. 8vo. cl. ex., 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illust. bds. ,2s. each; cl. limp, 2s. 6d. each.
ANTONINA. With a Frontispiece by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A.
BASIL. Illustrated by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A., and J. MAHONEY.
HIDE AND SEEK. Illustrated by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A., and J. MAHONEY.
AFTER DARK. Illustrations by A. B. HOUGHTON. | THE TWO DESTINIES.
THE DEAD SECRET. With a Frontispiece by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A.
QUEEN OF HEARTS. With a Frontispiece by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A.
THE WOMAN IN WHITE. With Illusts. by Sir J. GILBERT, R.A., and F. A. FRASER.
NO NAME. With Illustrations by Sir J. E. MILLAIS, R.A., and A. W. COOPER.
MY MISCELLANIES. With a Steel-plate Portrait of WILKIE COLLINS.
ARMADALE. With Illustrations by G. H. THOMAS.
THE MOONSTONE. With Illustrations by G. Du MAURiERand F. A. FRASER.
MAN AND WIFE. With Illustrations by WILLIAM SMALL.
POOR MISS FINCH. Illustrated by G. Du MAURIER and EDWARD HUGHES.
MISS OR MRS.? With Illusts. by S. L. FILDES, R.A., and HENRY WOODS, A.R.A.
THE NEW MAGDALEN. Illustrated by G. Du MAURIER and C. S. REINHARDT.
THE FROZEN DEEP. Illustrated by G. Du MAURIER and J. MAHONEY.
THE LAW AND THE LADY. Illusts. by S. L. FILDES, R.A., and SYDNEY HALL.
THE HAUNTED HOTEL. Illustrated by ARTHUR HOPKINS.
THE FALLEN LEAVES.
JEZEBEL'S DAUGHTER.
THE BLACK ROBE.
HEART AND SCIENCE.
"I SAY NO."
A ROGUE'S LIFE.
THE EVIL GENIUS.
LITTLE NOVELS.
THE LEGACY OF CAIN.
BLIND LOVE. With Preface by WALTER BESANT, and Illusts. "by A. FORESTIER.
COLLINS (JOHN CHURTON, M.A.), BOOKS BY.
ILLUSTRATIONS OF TENNYSON. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
JONATHAN SWIFT : A Biographical and Critical Study. Crown 8vo, cloth extra,
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
COLMAN'S (GEORGE) HUMOROUS WORKS: "Broad Grins," "My
Nightgown and Slippers," &c. With Life and Frontis. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 7s. 6d.
COLQUHOUN.-EVERY INCH A SOLDIER : A Novel. By M. J.
COLQUHOUN. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, Ss.
CONVALESCENT COOKERY: A Family Handbook. By CATHERINE
RYAN. Crown 8ro, Is. ; cloth limp, Is. <<!.
CONWAY (MONCURE D.), WORKS BY.
DEMONOLOGY AND DEVIL-LOBE. 65 Illustrations. Two Vols., 8vo, cloth 2Ss.
A NECKLACE OF STORIES. 25 Illusts. by W. J. HENNESSY. Sq. 8vo, cloth, 6s.
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S RULES OF CIVILITY. Fcap. 8vo, Jap, vellum, 8s. 6d.
COOK (DUTTON), NOVELS BY.
PAUL FOSTER'S DAUGHTER. Cr. 8vo, cl. ex., 3s. 6d.; post 8vo,illust. boards, 2s.
LEO. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 3s.
COOPER (EDWARD H.)-GEOFFORY HAMILTON. Cr. 8vo, 3s. 6d.
CORNWALL-POPULAR ROMANCES OF THE WEST OF ENG-
LAND ; or, The Drolls, Traditions, and Superstitions of Old Cornwall. Collected
by ROBERT HUNT, F.R.S. Two Steel-plates by GEO.CRUIKSHANK. Cr. 8vo, cl.,7s. 6d.
COTES. -TWO GIRLS ON A BARGE. By V. CECIL COTES. With
44 Illustrations by F. H. TOWNSEND. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
CRADDOCK. THE PROPHET OF THE GREAT SMOKY MOUN-
TAINS. By CHARLES EGBERT CRADDOCK. Post STO, illust. bds., 3s. ; cl. limp, 3s. 6d.
CRELL1N (H. N.) THE NAZARENES : A Drama. Crown 8vo, Is. '
CRIM. ADVENTURES OF A FAIR REBEL. By MATT GRIM. With
a Frontispiece. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. tfd. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
CROKER (B.M.), NOVELS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d, each; post
8vo, illustrated boards, 'J*. each ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d. each.
PRETTY MISS NEVILLE.
A BIRD OF PASSAGE.
A FAMILY LIKENESS.
DIANA HARRINGTON.
PROPER PRIDE.
"TO LET."
CRUIKSHANK'S COMIC ALMANACK. Complete in Two SERIES :
The FIRST from 1835 to 1843 ; the SECOND from 1844 to 1853. A Gathering of
the BEST HUMOUR of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH, A'BECKKTT
ROBERT BROUGH, &c. With numerous Steel Engravings and Woodcuts by CRUIK-
SHANK, HINE, LANDELLS, &c. Two Vols., crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 7s. 6d. each
THE LIFE OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. By BLANCHARD JERROLD. With 84
Illustration^ and a Bibliography. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
CUMMIN~GT(C.~F. CORDON), WORKS BY. Demy 8vo, cl. ex., SB. 6d7each!
IN THE HEBRIDES. With Autotype Facsimile and 23 Illustrations.
IN THE HIMALAYAS AND ON THE INDIAN PLAINS. With 42 Illustrations
TWO HAPPY YEARS IN CEYLON. With 28 Illustrations.
VIA CORNWALL TOJEGYPT. With Photogravure Frontis. Demy 8vo, cl., 7s. Gd.
CUSSANS.-A HANDBOOK OF HERALDRY ; with Instructions for
Tracing Pedigrees and Deciphering Ancient MSS., &c. By JOHN E. CUSSANS. With
408 Woodcuts and a Coloured Plates. Fourth edition, revised, crown 8vo, cloth. 6.
CYPLES(W.) HEARTS of GOLD. Cr.8vo,cl..3s.6d.; post8vo,bds..2s
DANIEL.-MERRIE ENGLAND IN THE OLDEN TIME. By GEORGE
DANIEL. With Illustrations by ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. Crown 8vo. cloth extra 3s. 6d.
DAUDET.-THE EVANGELIST; or, Port Salvation. By ALPHONSE
DAUDET. Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards 2s.
DAVIDSON.-MR. SADLER'S DAUGHTERS: By HUGH
DAVIDSON. With a Frontispiece. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
DAVIES (DRTK"ETYORKE-), WORKS BY. o. 8 VO) i*. ea . ; c i.,
ONE THOUSAND MEDICAL MAXIMS AND SURGICAL HINTS.
NURSERY HINTS: A Mother's Guide in Health and Disease.
FOODS BOR THE FAT: A Treatise on Corpulency, and a Dietary for its Cure.
AIDS TO LONG LIFE. Crown 8vo, 2s. ; cloth limp, '-is. d.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 7
DAVENANT.-HINTS FOR PARENTS ON THE CHOICE OF A PRO-
FESSION FOR THEIR SONS. By F. DAVEWANT, M.A. Post 8vo. !.; cl., la. 6d.
DAVIES' (SIR JOHN) COMPLETE POETICAL WORKS, for the first
time Collected and Edited, with Memorial-Introduction and Notes, by the Rev. A. B.
GKOSART, P.P. Two Vols., crown 8vo, cloth boards, 12s.
DAWSON. THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. By ERASMUS DAWSON,
M.B. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, .'8s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
DEfGUERIN.-THE JOURNAL OF MAURICE DE GUERIN. Edited
by G. S. TREBUTIEN. With a Memoir by SAINTB-BEUVE. Translated from the
2oth French Edition by JESSIE P. FROTHINGHAM. Fcap, 8vo, half-bound, 2*. 6d.
DE MAISTRE.-A JOURNEY ROUND MY ROOM. By XAVIER DE
MAISTRE. Translated by HENRY ATTWELL. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. <d.
DE MILLE. A CASTLE IN SPAIN. By JAMES DE MILLE. With a
Frontispiece. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
DERBY (THE).-THE BLUE RIBBON OF THE TURF : A Chronicle
of the RACE FOR THE DERBY, from Diomed to Donovan. With Brief Accounts of
THE OAKS. By Louis HENRY CURZON. Crown 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. (id.
DERWENT (LEITH), NOVELS BY. Cr.8vo,cl., 3.6d. ea.; post 8vo,bds.,il.ea.
OUR LADY OF TEARS. | CIRCE'S LOVERS.
DICKENS (CHARLES), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo. illustrated boards, 2s. each.
SKETCHES BY BOZ. I NICHOLAS NICKLEBY.
THE PICKWICK PAPERS. | OLIVER TWIST.
THE SPEECHES OF CHARLES DICKENS, 1841-1870. With a New Bibliography.
Edited by RICHARD HERNK SHEPHERD. Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 6s.|
ABOUT ENGLAND WITH DICKENS. By ALFRED RIMMER. With 57 Illustrations
by C. A. VANDERHOOF, ALFRED KIMMER, and others. Sq. 8vo, cloth extra, Ta. 6d.
DICTIONARIEST
A DICTIONARY OF MIRACLES: Imitative, Realistic, and Dogmatic. By the Rev.
E. C. BREWER, LL.D. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
THE READER'S HANDBOOK OF ALLUSIONS, REFERENCES, PLOTS, AND
STORIES. By the Rev. E. C. BREWER, LL.D. With an ENGLISH BIBLIOGRAPHY.
Fifteenth Thousand. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
AUTHORS AND THEIR WORKS, WITH THE DATES. Cr. 8vo, cloth limp, 2s.
FAMILIAR SHORT SAYINGS OF GREAT MEN. With Historical and Explana-
tory Notes. By SAMUEL A. BENT, A.M. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
SLANG DICTIONARY : Etymological, Historical, and Anecdotal. Cr. 8vo, cl., 6s. 6d.
WOMEN OF THE DAY: A Biographical Dictionary. By F. HAYS. Cr.8vo.cl., 5*.
WORDS, FACTS, AND PHRASES: A Dictionary of Curious, Quaint, and Out-ot-
the-Way Matters. By ELIKZER EDWARDS. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
DIDEROT. THE PARADOX OF ACTING. Translated, with Annota~
tions, from Diderot's " Le Paradoxesur leComedien," by WALTER HERRIES POLLOCK.
With a Preface by HENRY IRVING. Crown 8vo, parchment, 4s. 6d.
DOBSON (AUSTIN), WORKS BY.
THOMAS BEWICK & HIS PUPILS. With 95 Illustrations. Square 8vo, cloth. .
FOUR FRENCHWOMEN. With 4 Portraits. Crown 8vo, buckram, gilt top, O.
EIGHTEENTH CENTURY VIGNETTES. Crown Svo, buckram, gilt top, Os. A
SECOND SERIES, uniform in size and price, is now in preparation.
DOBSON (W. T.)-POETICAL INGENUITIES^AND ECCENTRICI-
TIES. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. <><!.
DONOVAN~rDICK)T^ETECTIVE STORIES BY.
Post hvo. illustrated boards, 2s. each; cloth limp, 2s. fid. each.
THE MAN-HUNTER. | WANTED!
CAUGHT AT LAST!
TRACKED AND TAKEN.
WHO POISONED HETTY DUNCAN?
A DETECTIVE'S TRIUMPHS.
IN THE GRIP OF THE LAW.
FROM INFORMATION RECEIVED.
LINK BY LINK.
SUSPICION AROUSED.
Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, boards, 2. each ; cloth, 2s. 6d. each.
THE MAN FROM MANCHESTER. With 23 Illustrations.
TRACKS D TO DOOM. With 6 full-page Illustrations by GORDON BROWSE.
THE FIRM OF GIRDLESTONE. By A. CONAN
DOYLE, Author of " Micah Clarke." Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3*. ttd.
8 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
DRAMATISTS. THE OLD. With Vignette Portraits. Cr.8vo.cl. ex., 6s. per Vol.
BEN JONSOH'S WORKS. With Notes Critical and Explanatory, and a Bio-
graphical Memoir by WM. GIFFORD. Edited by Col. CUNNINGHAM. Three Vols.
CHAPMAN'S WORKS. Complete in Three Vols. Vol. I. contains the Plays
complete; Vol. II., Poems and Minor Translations, with an Introductory Essay
by A. C. SWINBURNE ; Vol. III., Translations of the Iliad and Odyssey.
MARLOWE'S WORKS. Edited, with Notes, by Col. CUNNINGHAM. One Vol.
MASSINGER'S PLAYS. From GIFFORD'S Text. Edit by CO!.CUNNINGHAM. OneVol.
DUNCAN (SARA JEANNETTE), WORKS BY. cr. 8vo, ci., y. 6d. each.
A SOCIAL DEPARTURE: How Orthodocia and I Went round the World by Our-
selves. With in Illustrations by F. H. TOWNSEND.
AN AMERICAN GIRL IN LONDON. With 80 Illustrations by F. H. TOWNSEND.
THE SIMPLE ADVENTURES OF A MEMSAHIB. Illustrated by F. H. TOWNSEND.
A DAUGHTER OP TO-DAY. Two Vols., crown 8vo.
DYER. THE FOLK-LORE OF PLANTS. By Rev. T. F. THISELTON
DYER, M.A. Crown 8vo t cloth extra, 6s.
T7ARLY ENGLISH POETS. Edited, with Introductions and Annota-
'.ions, by Rev. A. B.GROSART, D.D. Crown 8vo, cloth boards, 6s. per Volume.
FLETCHER'S (GILES) COMPLETE POEMS. One Vol.
DAYIES' (SIR JOHN) COMPLETE POETICAL WORKS. Two Vols.
HERRICK'S (ROBERT) COMPLETE COLLECTED POEMS. Three Vols.
SIDNEY'S (SIR PHILIP) COMPLETE POETICAL WORKS. Three Vols.
EDGCUMBE. ZEPHYRUS I A Holiday in Brazil and on the River Plate.
By E. R. PEARCE EDGCUMBE. With 41 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s.
EDWARDES (MRS. ANNIE), NOVELS BY:
A POINT OF HONOUR. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
ARCHIE LOYELL. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s.
EDWARDS (EOEZER).-WORDS, FACTS, AND PHRASES: A
Dictionary of Curious, Quaint, and Out-ot-the-Way Matters. By ELIEZER EDWARDS.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
EDWARDS (M. BETHAM-), NOVELS BY.
KITTY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
FELICIA. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
EGERTON. SUSSEX FOLK & SUSSEX WAYS. ByRev.J.C.EoERTON.
With Introduction by Rev. Dr. H. WAGE, and 4 Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, cloth ex., 5s.
EGGLESTONlEDWARD). ROXY : A Novel. Post 8vo, illust. bds.,2s.
ENGLISHMAN'S HOUSE, THE: A Practical Guide to all interested in
Selecting or Building a House ; with Estimates of Cost, Quantities, &c. By C. T.
RICHARDSON. With Coloured Frontispiece and 600 Illusts. Crown 8vo, cloth, fs. 6d.
EWALD (ALEX. CHARLES, F.S.A.), WORKS BY.
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF PRINCE CHARLES STUART, Count of Albany
(THE YOUNG PRETENDER). With a Portrait. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
STORIES FROM THE STATE PAPERS. With an Autotype. Crown 8vo, cloth, 6s.
EYES, OUR : How to Preserve Them from Infancy to Old Age. By
JOHN BROWNING, F.R.A.S. With 70 Illusts. Eighteenth Thousand. Crown 8vo, Is.
FAMILIAR SHORT SAYINGS OF GREAT MEN. By SAMUEL ARTHUR
BENT. A.M. Fifth Edition, Revised and Enlarged. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
FARADAY (MICHAEL), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, cloth estra, 4s. 6d. each.
THE CHEMICAL HISTORY OF A CANDLE: Lectures delivered before a Juvenile
Audience. Edited by WILLIAM CROOKES. F.C.S. With numerous Illustrations.
ON THE VARIOUS FORCES OF NATURE, AND THEIR RELATIONS TO
EACH OTHER. Edited by WILLIAM CROOKES, F.C.S. With Illustrations.
FARRER (J. ANSON), WORKS BY.
MILITARY MANNERS AND CUSTOMS. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
WAR : Three Essays, reprinted from " Military Manners." Cr. 8vo, Is. ; cl., Is. 6d.
FENN (G. MANVILLE), NOVELS~BY7~
THE NEW MISTRESS. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 3*. 6d.; post Svo, Illust. boards, 2s.
WITNESS TO THE DEED. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
THE TIGER LILY: A Tale of Two Passions. Crown Svo, cloth, 3s. 6d. [Shortly.
THE WHITE VIRGIN. Two Vols. [Shortly.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. g
FIN-BEC. THE CUPBOARD PAPERS: Observations on the Art of
Living and Dining. By FiN-Bsc. Post 8vo. cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
FlREWpRKS, THE COMPLETE ART OF MAKING ; or, The Pyro-
technist's Treasury. By THOMAS KENTISH. With 267 Illustration?. Cr. 8vo, cl., S
FITZGERALD" (PERCYrM.A., F.SX)TWORKS~ "BYT
THE WORLD BEHIND THE SCENES. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
LITTLE ESSAYS: Passages from Letters of CHARLES LAMB. Post 8vo, cl., 2s. 6<1.
A DAY'S TOUR: Journey through France and Belgium. With Sketches. Cr.4to, Is.
FATAL ZERO. Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
BELLA DONNA. I LADY OF BRANTOME. I THE SECOND MRS. TILLOTSON.
POLLY. | NEVER FORGOTTEN. I SEVENTY-FIVE BROOKE STREET.
LIFE OF JAMES BOSWELL (of Auchinleck). With an Account of his Sayings,
Doings, and Writings ; and Four Portraits. Two Vols., demy 8vo, cloth, 24s.
THE SAVOY OPERA. Illustrations and Portraits. Cr. 8vo, cloth, 3. 6d. [Shortly.
FLAMMARION (CAMILLE), WORKS BY.
POPULAR ASTRONOMY: A General Description of the Heavens. By CAMILLE
FLAMMARION. Translated by J. ELLARD GORE, F.R.A.S. With nearly 300 Illus-
trations. Medium 8vo, cloth extra, Itis. [Preparing.
URANIA : A Romance. Translated by A. R. STETSON. With 87 Illustrations
by DE BIELER, MYRBACH, &c. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s.
P>7rC^ ' Christ's Victorie
in Heaven, Christ's Victorie on Earth, Christ's Triumph over Death, and Minor
Poems. With Notes by Rev. A. B. GROSART, P.P. Crown 8vo, cloth boards, OB.
FONBLANQUE (ALB ANY). -FILTHY LUCRE. Post 8vo, illust. bds., 2s.
FRANCILLON (R. E.), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. <id. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
ONE BY ONE. | QUEEN COPHETUA. | A REAL QUEEN. | KING OR KNAVE?
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
ROPES OF SAND. Illustrated. | A DOG AND HIS SHADOW.
OLYMPIA. Post Svo, illust. bds., 2s. | ESTHER'S GLOVE. Fcap. Svo, pict. cover, Is.
ROMANCES OF THE LAW. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
JACK DOYLE'S DAUGHTER. Three Vols., crown Svo. _
FREDERIC (HAROLD), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illust. bds., 2s. each.
SETH'S BROTHER'S WIFE. _ j _ THE LAWTON GIRL. _
FRENCH LITERATURE, A HISTORY OF. By HENRY VAN LAUN.
Three Vols., demy Svo, cloth boards, Ts. 6d. each.
FRERE. PANDURANG HARI ; or, Memoirs of a Hindoo. With Pre-
face by Sir BARTLE FRERE. Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. ; post Svo, illust. bds., 2s.
FRTSWElTCHAIN). ONE OF TWO : A Novel. Post 8vo, illust. bds., 2s.
FROST (THOMAS), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
CIRCUS LIFE AND CIRCUS CELEBRITIES. I LIVES OF THE CONJURERS.
THE OLD SHOWMEN AND THE OLD LONDON FAIRS.
FRY'S (HERBERT) ROYAL GUIDE TO THE LONDON CHARITIES.
Showing their Name, Date of Foundation, Objects, Income, Officials, &c. Edited
by JOHN LANE. Published Annually.' Crown Svo, cloth, Is. 6d.
HARDENING BOOKS. Post 8vo. Is. each ; cloth limp, Is. 6d. each.
** A YEAR'S WORK IN GARDEN AND GREENHOUSE. By GEORGE GLENNY.
HOUSEHOLD HORTICULTURE. By TOM and JANE JERROLD. Illustrated.
THE GARDEN THAT PAID THE RENT. By TOM JERROLD.
OUR KITCHEN GARDEN. By TOM JERROLD. Crown Svo, cloth, Is. t>d.
MY GARDEN WILD. By FRANCIS G. HEATH. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s.
GARRETT. THE CAPEL GIRLS : A Novel. By EDWARD GARRETT.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3. Od.; post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
GAULOT. THETRED SHIRTS : A Story of the Revolution. By PAUL
GAULOT. Translated by J. A. J. DE VILLIERS. Crown 8 vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. [Shortly.
GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE, THE. Is. Monthly. In addition"**
Articles upon subjects in Literature, Science, and Art, "TABLE TALK" by SYL-
VANUS URBAN, and" PAGES ON PLAYS " by JUSTIN H. MCCARTHY, appear monthly.
%* Bound Volumes for recent years kept in stock, 8s. 6d. each. Cases for binding, 2s.
GENTLEMAN'S ANUAL THE. Published Annually in November, i*.
10 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
GERMAN POPULAR STORIES. Collected by the Brothers GRIMM
and Translated by EDGAR TAYLOR. With Introduction by JOHN RUSKIN, and 22 Steel
Plates after GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Square 8vo, cloth, 6s. 6d. ; gilt edges, 7s. 6d.
GIBBON (CHARLES), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. Od. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each,
ROBIN GRAY. | LOVING A DREAM. I THE GOLDEN SHAFT.
THE FLOWER OF THE FOREST. | OF HIGH DEGREE.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE DEAD HEART.
FOR LACK OF GOLD.
WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAT?
FOR THE KING. | A HARD KNOT.
QUEEN OF THE MEADOW.
IN PASTURES GREEN.
IN LOVE AND WAR.
A HEART'S PROBLEM.
BY MEAD AND STREAM.
THE BRAES OF YARROW.
FANCY FREE. | IN HONOUR BOUND.
HEART'S DELIGHT. | BLOOD-MONEY.
GIBNEY (SOMERVILLE). -SENTENCED I Cr. 8vo, Is. ; cl., Is. 6d.
GILBERT (WILLIAM), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
DR. AUSTIN'S GUESTS. I JAMES DUKE, COSTERMONGER.
THE WIZARD OF THE MOUNTAIN. J
GILBERT (W. S.), ORIGINAL PLAYS BY. Two Series, 2s. 6d. each.
The FIRST SERIES contains: The Wicked World Pygmalion and Galatea-
Charity The Princess The Palace of Truth Trial by Jury.
The SECOND SERIES : Broken Hearts Engaged Sweethearts Gretchen Dan'l
Druce Tom Cobb H.M.S. " Pinafore "The Sorcerer Pirates of Penzance.
EIGHT ORIGINAL COMIC OPERAS writte~n~by~W. S. GILBERT. Containing:
The Sorcerer H.M.S. " Pinafore "Pirates of Penzance I olanthe Patience-
Princess Ida The Mikado Trial by Jury. Demy 8vo, cloth limp. 2s. 6d.
THE "GILBERT AND SULLIVAN" BIRTHDAY BOOK: Quotations for Every
Day in the Year, Selected from Plays by W. S. GILBERT set to Music by Sir A.
SULLIVAN. Compiled by ALEX. WATSON. Royal i6mo, Jap, leather, 2s. 6d.
GLANVILLE (ERNEST), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE LOST HEIRESS: A Tale of Love, Battle, and Adventure. With 2 Illusts.
THE FOSSICKER: A Romance of Mashonaland. With 2 Illusts. by HUMENISBET.
A FAIR COLONIST. With a Frontispiece. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3s. 6d.
GLENNY.-A YEAR'S WORK IN GARDEN AND~GREENHOUSE:
Practical Advice to Amateur Gardeners as to the Management of the Flower, Fruit,
and Frame Garden. By GEORGE GLENNY. Post 8vo, Is.; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
GODWIN.-LIVES OF THE NECROMANCERS. By WILLIAM GOD-
WIN. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s.
GOLDEN TREASURY OF THOUGHT, THE : An Encyclopedia of
QUOTATIONS. Edited by THEODORE TAYLOR. Crown 8vo. cloth gilt, 7s. 6d.
GOODMAN. THE FATE OF HERBERT WAYNE. By E. J. GOOD-
MAN, Author of "Too Curious." Crown 8vo, cloth, 3. 6d. "
GOWING.-FIVE THOUSAND MILES IN A SLEDGE : A Midwinter
Journey Across Siberia. By LIONEL F. GOWING. With 30 Illustrations by C. J.
UREN, and a Map by E. WELLER. Large crown 8vo, cloth extra, Ss.
GRAHAM. -THE PROFESSOR'S WIFE: A Story By LEONARD
GRAHAM. Fcap. 8vo, picture cover, As.
GREEKS AND ROMANS, THE LIFE OF THE, described from
Antique Monuments. By ERNST GUHL and W. KONER. Edited by Dr. F. HUEFFER.
With 545 Illustrations. Large crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
GREENWOOD (JAMES), WORKS BY. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
THE WILDS OF LONDON. | LOW-LIFE DEEPS.
GREVILLE (HENRY), NOVELS BY:
NIKANOR. Translated by ELIZA E. CHASE. With 8 Illustrations. Crown 8vo,
cloth extra, tts. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
A NOBLEJWQMAN. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
GRIFFITH. CORINTHIA MARAZION : A Novel. By CECIL GRIP-
FITH. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
GRUNDY.-THE DAYS OF HIS VANITY : A Passage in the Life of
a Young Man. By SYDNEY GRUNDY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
CHATTO & WINDBS, 214, PICCADILLY. xx
llABBERTON (JOHN, Author of " Helen's Babies"), NOVELS BY.
1 Post 8vo, illustrated boards '-is. each; cloth limp, 2s. 6d. each.
BRUETON'S BAYOU. | COUNTRY LUCK.
HAIR, THE : Its Treatment in Health, Weakness, and Disease. Trans-
lated from the German of Dr. J. PINCUS. Crown 8vo, Is. ; cloth, Is. 6cl.
HAKE (DR. THOMAS GORDON), POEMS BY. cr. 8vo, ci. ex., 6.. each.
NEW SYMBOLS. | LEGENDS OF THE MORROW. | THE SERPENT PLAY.
MAIDEN ECSTASY. Small 4to, cloth extra, 8a.
HALL.-SKETCHES OF IRISH CHARACTER. By Mrs. S. C. HALL.
With numerous Illustrations on Steel and Wood by MACLISE, GILBERT, HARVEY, and
GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Medium 8vo, cloth extra, 7tt. 6d.
HALLIDAY (ANDR.).-EVERY-DAY PAPERS. Post 8vo, bds., 2s.
HANDWRITING, THE PHILOSOPHY OF. With over 100 Facsimiles
and Explanatory Text. By DON FELIX DE SALAMANCA. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 'Urn. 6d.
HANKY-PANKY : Easy Tricks, White Magic, Sleight of Hand, &c.
Edited by W. H. CREMER. With aoo Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 4. 6d.
HARDY (LADY DUFFUS). - PAUL WYNTER'S SACRIFICE. 2s.
HARDY (THOMAS). -UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE. By
THOMAS HARDY, Author of "Tess." With Portrait and 15 Illustrations. Crown 8vo.
cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo. illustrated boards, 2s. ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
HARPER (CHARLES G.), WORKS BY. Demy 8vo, cloth extra, 16.each.
THE BRIGHTON ROAD. With Photogravure Frontispiece and 90 Illustrations.
FROM PADDINGTON TO PENZANCE; The Record of a Summer Tramp. 105 Illusts.
HAR WOOD. THE TENTH EARL. By J. BERWICK HARWOOD. Post
8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
HAWEIS (MRS. H. R.), WORKS BY. Square 8vo, cloth extra, 6*. each.
THE ART OF BEAUTY. With Coloured Frontispiece and 91 Illustrations.
THE ART OP DECORATION. With Coloured Frontispiece and 74 Illustrations.
THE ART OP DRESS. With 32 Illustrations. Post 8vo, Is. ; cloth, Is. 6d.
CHAUCER FOR SCHOOLS. Demy 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
CHAUCER FOR CHILDREN. 38 Illusts. (8 Coloured). Sm. 4to, el. extra, 3s. 6d.
HAWEIS (Rev. H. R.,M. A.). -AMERICAN HUMORISTS : WASHINGTON
IRVING, OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES, JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL, ARTEMUS WARD,
MARK TWAIN, and BRET HARTE. Third Edition. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
HAWLEY SMART.-WITHOUT LOVE OR LICENCE : A Novel. By
HAWLEY SMART. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2*.
HAWTHORNE. OUR OLD HOME. By NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE.
Annotated with Passages from the Author's Note-book, and Illustrated with 31
Photogravures. Two Vols., crown 8vo, buckram, gilt top, 15s.
HAWTHORNE (JULIAN), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2. each.
GARTH. | ELLICE QUENTIN. BEATRIX RANDOLPH. | DUST.
SEBASTIAN STROME. DAVID POINDEXTER.
FORTUNE'S FOOL. | THE SPECTRE OF THE CAMERA.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
MISS CADOGRA. | LOVE OR A NAME.
MRS. GAINSBOROUGH'S DIAMONDS. Fcap. 8vo. illustrated cover, la.
HEATH. MY GARDEN WILD, AND WHAT I GREW THERE.
By FRANCIS GEORGE HEATH. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, gilt edges, tts.
HELPS (SIR ARTHUR), WORKS BY. Post 8vo. cloth limp, 2_. d. each.
ANIMALS AND THEIR MASTERS.^ SOCIAL PRESSURE.
IVAN DE BIRON : A Novel. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3m. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. bds., 2a.
HENDERSON. AGATHA PAGE : A Novel. By ISAAC HENDERSON.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
HENTY (G. A.), NOVELS BY.
BOJUB THE JUGGLER. 8 Illusts. by STANLEY L WOOD. Cr. 8vo, cloth gilt, 3r
DOROTHY'S DOUBLE. Three Vols., crown 8vo. _
HERMAN. A LEADING LADY. -By HENRY HERMAN, joint-Author
ui ' The Bishops' Bible, 1 ' Post 8yo, illustrated boards, 2s, ; cloth extra, 2*, 0d,
12 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
HERRICK'S (ROBERT) HESPERIDES, NOBLE NUMBERS, AND
COMPLETE COLLECTED POEMS. With Memorial-Introduction and Notes by the
Rev. A. B. GROSART, P.P. ; Steel Portrait, &c. Three Vols., crown 8vo, cl. bds., ISs.
HERTZKA. FREELAND : A Social Anticipation. By Dr. THEODOR
HERTZKA. Translated by ARTHUR RANSOM. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
HESSE- WARTEGG. TUNIS I The Land and the People. By Chevalier
ERNST VON HESSE-WARTEGG. With 22 Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
HILL (HEADON). ZAMBRA THE DETECTIVE. By HEADON HILL:
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 3s. ; cloth, 3s. 6il.
HILL (JOHN, M.A.), WORKS BY.
TREASON-FELONY. Post Svo, 3s. | THE COMMON ANCESTOR. Three Vols.
HINDLEY (CHARLES), WORKS BY.
TAVERN ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS: Including Reminiscences connected with
Coffee Houses, Clubs, &c. With Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF A CHEAP JACK. Cr. 8vo. cloth ex., 3s. 6d.
HOEY.THE LOVER'S CREED. By Mrs. CASHEL HOEY. Post Svo. 2s.
HOLLINGSHEAD (JOHN). NIAGARA SPRAY. Crown 8vo, Is.
HOLMES.-THE SCIENCE OF VOICE PRODUCTION AND VOICE
PRESERVATION. By GORDON HOLMES, M.D. Crown Svo, 1. ; cloth, Is. 43d.
HOLMES (OLIVER WENDELL), WORKS BY.
THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. Illustrated by J. GORDON
THOMSON. Post 8vo, cloth limp 3s. 6d. Another Edition, post Svo, cloth, 2s.
THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST-TABLE and THE PROFESSOR AT THE
BREAKFAST-TABLE. In One Vol. Post Svo, half-bound, 3s.
HOOD'S (THOMAS) CHOICE WORKS, in Prose and Verse. With Life
of the Author, Portrait, and 200 Illustrations. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
HOOD'S WHIMS AND ODDITIES. With 85 Illusts. Post Svo, half-bound, 3s.
HOOD (TOM). -FROM NOWHERE TO THE NORTH POLE: A
Noah's Arkaeological Narrative. ByToMHooo. With 25 Illustrations by W. BRUNTON
and E. C. BARNES. Square Svo, cloth extra, gilt eds;ps, 6s.
HOOK'S (THEODORE) CHOICE HUMOROUS WORKS; including his
Ludicrous Adventures, Bons Mots, Puns, and Hoaxes. With Life of the Author,
Portraits, Facsimiles, and Illustrations. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
HOOPER. THE HOUSE OF RABY : A Novel. By Mrs. GEORGE
HOOPER. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 3s.
HOPKINS. "'TWIXT LOVE AND DUTY:" A Novel. By TIGHE
HOPKINS. Post Svo. illustrated boards, 3s.
HORNE. ORION: An Epic Poem. By RICHARD HENGIST HORNE.
With Photographic Portrait by SUMMERS. Tenth Edition. Cr.Svo, cloth extra, 7s.
HUNGERFORD (MRS.), Author of "Molly Bawn," NOVELS BY.
Post Svo, illustrated boards, 3s. each ; cloth limp, 3s. 6d. each.
A MAIDEN ALL FORLORN. I IN DURANCE VILE. | A MENTAL STRUGGLE.
MARVEL. I A MODERN CIRCE.
LADY YERNER'S FLIGHT. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3a. 6d.
THE RED-HOUSE MYSTERY. Two Vols., crown Svo.
HUNT. ESSAYS BY LEIGH HUNT : A TALE FOR A CHIMNEY CORNER,
&c. Edited by EDMUND OLLIER. Post Svo, printed on laid paper and half-bd., 3.
HUNT (MRS. ALFRED), NOVELS BY.
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post Svo, illustrated boards, 3s. each.
THE LEADEN CASKET. | SELF-CONDEMNED. | THAT OTHER PERSON.
THORNICROFT'S MODEL. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 3s.
MRS. JULIET. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
HUTCHISON. HINTS ON COLT-BREAKING. By W. M. HUTCHISON.
With 25 Illustrations. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
HYDROPHOBIA : An Account of M. PASTEUR'S System ; Technique of
bis Method, and Statistics. By RENAUD SUZOR, M.B. Crown Svo, cloth extra, fis.
JDLER (THE) ; A Monthly Magazine. Edited by JEROME K. JEROME
* and ROBERT E. BARR. Profusely Illustrated. Sixpence Monthly. The first FOUR
VOLUMES are now ready, cloth extra, 5s, each I Cases for Binding, Js, 6d>
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY.
INGELOW (JEAN). FATED TO BE FREE. p ost 8vo, illustrated bda.. 2.
INDOOR PAUPERS. By ONE OF THEM. Crown 8vo, Is.; cloth,
INNKEEPER'S HANDBOOK (THE) AND LICENSED VICTUALLER^
MANUAL. By J. TREVOR-DAVIES. Crown 8vo, Is.; cloth, Is. 6d.
fRTSH WIT AND HUMOUR, SONGS OF. Collected and Edited by
A. PERCEVAL GRAVES. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. <><!.
TAMES. -A ROMANCE OF THE QUEEITSllOUNDS. By CHARLES
JAMES. Post 8vo, picture cover, Is. ; cloth limp, is. 6d.
JAMESON. MY DEAD SELF. By WILLIAM JAMESON. Post 8vo,
illustrated boards, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d. _
JANVIER. -PRACTICAL KERAMICS FOR STUDENTS. By CATHERINE
A. JANVIER. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
JLiPP. DRAMATIC PICTUREST^ONNET S, &e. By A. H. JAPP, LL.D.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s. _
JAY (HARRIETT), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
TUB DARK COLLEEN. _ | THE QUEEN OF CONNAUGHT.
JEFFERIES (RICHARD), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2*. d. each.
NATURE NEAR LONDON. | THE LIFE OF THE FIELDS. J THE OPEN AIR.
%* Also the HAND-MADE PAPER EDITION, crown Svo, buckram, gilt top, 6s. each.
THE EULOGY OF RICHARD JEFFERIES. By WALTER BESANT. Second Edi-
t: >u With a Photograph Portrait. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s.
JENNINGS (H. J.), WORKS BY.
CURIOSITIES OF CRITICISM. Post Svo, cloth 1. up, 2s. 6d.
LORD TENNYSON; A Biographical Sketch. With a Photograph. Cr. Svo, el., 6a.
JEROME. STAGELAND. By JEROME K. JEROME. With 64 Illustra-
tiin<; hy T. BERNARD PARTRIDGE. Square Svo, picture cover, Is. ; cloth lii.np, 2s.
JERROLD.-THE BARBER'S CHAIR; & THE HEDGEHOGlLiTTERS.
iiy DOUGLAS f ERROLD. Post 8vo, printed on laid paper and half-bound, 2a. _
JERROLD (TOM), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, Is. each; cloth limp, Is. 6d. each.
THE GARDEN THAT PAID THE RENT.
HOUSEHOLD HORTICULTURE; A Gossip about Flowers. Illustrated.
OUR KITCHEN GARDEN; the Plants, and How we Cook Them. Cr. 8vo,cl.,lg.6d.
JESSE.-SCENES AND OCCUPATIONS OF A COUNTRY LIFE. By
EDWARD JESSE. Post Svo, clotn limp, 2s. _
JONES (WILLIAM, F.S.A.), WORKS BY. Cr.Svo, cl. extra, y. 6d. each.
FINGER-RING LORE: Historical, Legendary, and Anecdotal. With nearly 300
Illustrations. Second Edition, Revised and Enlarged.
CREDULITIES, PAST AND PRESENT. Including the Sea and Seamen, Miners,
Talismans, Word and Letter Divination, Exorcising and Blessing of Animals,
Birds, Eggs, Luck, &-~. With an Etched Frontispiece.
CROWNS AND CORONATIONS; A History oi Regalia. With 100 Illustrations.
JONSON'S (BEN) WORKS. With Notes Critical and Explanatory,
and a Biographical Memoir by WILLIAM GIFFORD. Edited by Colonel CUNNING-
HAM. Three Vols., crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s. each. _
JOSEPHUS, THE COMPLETE WORKS OF. Translated by WHISTON.
Containing "The Antiquities of the Jews" and "The Wars oi the Jews." With 52
Illustrations and Maps. Two Vols.. demy Svo, half-bound, 12*. 6d. _
ITEMPT. PENCIL AND PALETTE : Chapters on Art and Artists. By
ROBERT KKMPT. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2*. 6d. __
KERSHAWT^^COLONIAITTACTS AND FICTIONS : Humorous
Sketches. Bv MARK KERSHAW. Post Svo. illustrated boards, 2*. ; cloth, 2s. 6d.
KlYSER. CUT BY THE MESS: A Novel. By ARTHUR KEYSEK.
Crown Svo, picture cover, Is. ; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
KING (R. ASHE~),~NOVELS"BY. Cr. 8vo, cl., 3s. 6d. ea. ; poluSvo, bds., 2s. ea
A DRAWN GAME. | "THE WEARING OF THE GREEN,"
Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
PASSION'S SLAVE, I BELL BARRY,
-.., BOOKJ
KNIGHT.^THE PATIENT'S VADE MECUM : How to Get Most
Benefit from Medical Advice. By WILLIAM KNIGHT, M.R.C.S., and EDWARD
KNIGHT, L.R.C.P. Crown 8vo, Is.; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
KNIGHTS (THE) OF THE LION : A Romance of the Thirteenth Century.
Edited, with an Introduction, by the MARQUESS of LORNE, K.T. Cr. 8vo, cl. ex. Os.
LAMB'S (CHARLES) COMPLETE WORKS, in Prose and Verse,
including " Poetry for Children " and " Prince Dorus." Edited, with Notes and
Introduction, by R. H. SHEPHERD. With Two Portraits and Facsimile of a page
of the " Essay on Roast Pig. 1 ' Crown 8vo, half-bound, 7s. 6d.
THE ESSAYS OF ELIA. Post Svo, printed on laid paper and half-bound, 2s.
LITTLE ESSAYS: Sketches and Characters by CHARLES LAMB, selected from his
Letters by PERCY FITZGERALD. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
THE DRAMATIC ESSAYS OF CHARLES LAMB. With Introduction and Notes
by BRANDER MATTHEWS, and Steel-plate Portrait. Fcap. Svo, bf.-bd., 2s. 6d.
LANDOR.-CITATION AND EXAMINATION OF WILLIAM SHAKS-
PEARE. &c., before Sir THOMAS LUCY, touching Deer-stealing, loth September, 1582.
To which is added, A CONFERENCE OF MASTER EDMUND SPENSER with the
Earl oi Essex, touching the State of Ireland, 1595. By WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR.
Fcap. Svo, half-Roxburghe, 2s. 6d.
LANf, THE THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS, commonly called in
England THE ARABIAN NIGHTS' ENTERTAINMENTS. Translated from the
Arabic, with Notes, by EDWARD WILLIAM LANE. Illustrated by many hundred
Engravings from Designs by HARVEY. Edited by EDWARD STANLEY POOLS. With a
Preface by STANLEY LANE-POOLE. Three Vols., demy Svo, cloth extra, Tfm. Od.eacb.
LARWOOD fvnm- WORKS BY.
THE S10RY OF THE LONDON PARKS. With Illusts. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3s. 6d.
ANECDOTES OF THE CLERGY. Post Svo, laid paper, half-bound, 2s.
Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. each.
FORENSIC ANECDOTES. | THEATRICAL ANECDOTES.
LEHMANN.-HARRY FLUDYER AT CAMBRIDGE. By R. C. LEH-
MANN. Post Svo, Is.; cloth, Is. 6d.
LEIGH (HENRY S.), WORKS BY.
CAROLS OF COCKAYNE. Printed on hand-made paper, bound in buckram, 5s.
JEUX D'ESPRIT. Edited by HENRY S. LEIGH. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
LEYS (JOHN). THE LINDSAYS ; A Romance. Post Svo. illust. bds.. 2s.
LINTON (E. LYNN), WORKS BY. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. each.
WITCH STORIES. I OURSELVES; ESSAYS ON WOMEN.
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
PATRICIA KEMBALL. | IONE.
ATONEMENT OF LEAM DUNDAS.
THE WORLD WELL LOST.
UNDER WHICH LORD?
"MY LOVE!" | SOWING THE WIND.
PASTON CAREW, Millionaire ft Miser.
Post Svo, illustrated boards, '2s. each.
THE REBEL OF THE FAMILY. I WITH A SILKEN THREAD.
THE ONE TOO MANY. Three Vols., crown Svo.
FREESHOOTING : Extracts from Works of Mrs. L. LINTON. Post Svo, cl., Sfa. 6d.
LONGFELLOW'S POETICAL WORKS. With numerous Illustrations
on Steel and Wood. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 78. 6d.
LUCY. GIDEON FLEYCE : A Novel. By HENRY W. Lucv. Crown
8vo, cloth extra, 3s. Gd.: post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s, _^
MACALPINE (AVERY), NOVELS BY.
TERESA ITASCA. Crown Svo, cloth extra, Is.
BROKEN WINGS. With 6 Illusts. by W. J. HENNESSY. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6*.
MACCOLL (HUGH), NOVELS BY.
MR. STRANGER'S SEALED PACKET. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
EDNOR WHITLOCK. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s.
MACDONELL. QUAKER COUSINS : A Novel. By AGNES MACDONELL.
r.rowri RVO cloth extra, .'5. fid. ; post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
MACGREGOR. --PASTIMES AND PLAYERS: Notes on Popular
Games. By ROBERT MACGREGOR. Post Svo. cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
MACKAY. -INTERLUDES AND UNDERTONES ; or, Music at Twilight,
By CHARLES MACKAY, LL.D. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s,
CHATTO Sc WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 15
MCCARTHY (JUSTIN, M.P.), WORKS BY.
A HISTORY OP OUR OWN TIMES, from the Accession of Queen Victoria to the
General Election of 1880. Four Vols. demy 8vo, cloth extra, 12s. each. Also
a POPULAR EDITION, in Four Vols., crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. each. And a
JUBILEE EDITION, with an Appendix of Events to the end of 1886, in Two Vols.,
irge crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7*. 4id. each.
A SHORT HISTORY OP OUR OWN TIMES. One Vol., crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
Also a CHEAP POPULAR EDITION, post 8vo, cloth limp, 2n. 6d.
A HISTORY OP THE FOUR GEORGES. Four Vols. demy 8vo, cloth extra,
12s. each. fVols. I. & II. ready.
Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3s, (id. each; post 8vo, illust bds,, 2s. each : cl. limp, 2s. 6d. each.
THE WATERDALE NEIGHBOURS.
MY ENEMY'S DAUGHTER.
A PAIR SAXON.
LINLEY ROCHFORD.
DEAR LADY DISDAIN.
MISS MISANTHROPE.
DONNA QUIXOTE.
THE COMET OF A SEASON.
MAID OF ATHENS.
CAMIOLA: A Girl with a Fortune.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
THE DICTATOR. - {_ RED DIAMONDS.
"THE RIGHT HONOURABLE." By'jusxiN MCCARTHY, M.P.,and Mrs.CAMpuELL-
PRAF.D. Fourth Edition. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
MCCARTHY (JUSTIN H.), WORKS BY.
THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. Four Vols., 8vo, 12s. each. [Vols. I. & II. ready.
AN OUTLINE OF THE HISTORY OF IRELAND. Crown 8vo, Is. ; cloth, Is. ttd.
IRELAND SINCE THE UNION : Irish History, 1798-1886. Crown 8vc, cloth, 6s.
HAPIZ IN LONDON : Poems. Small 8vo, gold cloth, 3s. ttd.
HARLEQUINADE: Poems. Small 4to, Japanese vellum, 8s.
OUR SENSATION NOYEL.~Crbwn 8vo, picture cover, Is. ; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
DOOM I An Atlantic Episode. Crown 8vo, picture cover, Is.
DOLLY: A Sketch. Crown 8vo, picture cover, Is.; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
LILY LASS: A Romance. Crown 8vo, picture cover, Is. ; cloth limp, Is. 6d.
THE THOUSAND AND ONE DAYS: Persian Tales. With 2 Photogravures by
STANLEY L. WOOD. Two Vols., crown 8vo, half-bound, 12s.
MACDONALD (GEORGE, LL.D.), WORKS BY.
WORKS OF FANCY AND IMAGINATION. Ten Vols., cl. extra, gilt edges, in cloth
case, 21s. Or the Vols. may be had separately, in grolier cl., at 2s. 6d. each.
Vol. I. WITHIN AND WITHOUT. THE HIDDEN LIFB.
,, II. THE DISCIPLE. THE GOSPEL WOMEN. BOOK OF SONNETS. ORGAN SONGS.
III. VIOLIN SONGS. SONGS OF THE DAYS AND NIGHTS. A BOOK OF DREAMS.
ROADSIDE POEMS. POEMS FOR CHILDREN.
IV. PARABLES. BALLADS. SCOTCH SONGS.
,. V. &VI. PHANTASTES: A Faerie Romance. | Vol. VII. THE PORTENT.
VIII. THE LIGHT PRINCESS. THE GIANT'S HEART. SHADOWS.
IX. CROSS PURPOSES. THE GOLDEN KEY. THE CARASOYN. LITTLE DAYLIGHT
X. THE CRUEL PAINTER. THE Wow o' RIVVEN. THE CASTLE. THE BROKEN
SWORDS. THE GRAY WOLF. UNCLE CORNELIUS.
POETICAL WORKS OF GEORGE MACDONALD. Collected and arranged by the
Author. 2 vols., crown 8vo, buckram, 12s.
A THREEFOLD CORD. Edited by GEORGE MACDONALD. Post 8vo, cloth, 5s.
HEATHER AND SNOW: A Novel. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
MACLISE PORTRAIT GALLERY (THE) OF ILLUSTRIOUS LITER-
ARY CHARACTERS: 83 PORTRAITS; with Memoin Biographical, Critical,
Bibliographical, and Anecdotal illustrative of the Literature of the former half oi
the Present Century, by WILLIAM BATES, B.A. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
MACQUOID (MRS.), WORKS BY. Square 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d. each. "
IN THE ARDENNES. With 50 Illustrations by THOMAS R. MACQUOID.
PICTURES AND LEGENDS FROM NORMANDY AND BRITTANY. 34 Illustrations.
THROUGH NORMANDY. With 92 Illustrations byT. R. MACQUOID, and a Map.
THROUGH BRITTANY. With 35 Illustrations by T. R. MACQUOID, and a Map.
ABOUT YORKSHIRE. With b; Illustrations by T. R. MACQUOID. Square 8vo,
cloth extra, 6.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE EVIL EYE, and other Stories. | LOST ROSE. _
MAGIC LANTERN, THE, and its Management : including full Practical
Directions. By T. C. HEPWORTH. 10 Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, Is. ; cloth. 1>.
MAGICIAN'S OWN BOOK, THE : Performances with Eggs, Hats, &cT
Edited by W. H. CREMER. 200 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 4s. 6d,
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
MAGNA CHARTA : An Exact Facsimile of the Original in the British
Museum, 3 feet by 2 feet, with Arms and Seals emblazoned in Gold and Colours, 5s.
MALLOCK (W. H.), WORKS BY.
THE NEW REPUBLIC. Post 8vo, picture cover, 2*. ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
THE NEW PAUL & VIRGINIA: Positivism on an Island. Post 8vo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
POEMS. Small 410, parchment, 8s.
IS LIFE WORTH LIVING? Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
A ROMANCE OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. Crown 8vo, cloth, 6s.; post 8vo,
illustrated boards, :is.
MALLORY'S (SIR THOMAS) MORT D' ARTHUR : The Stories of
King Arthur and of the Knights of the Round Table. (A Selection.) Edited by B.
MONTC.OMERIE RANKING. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 3s. _
MARK TWAIN, WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6<l. each.
THE CHOICE WORKS OF MARK TWAIN. Revised and Corrected throughout
by the Author. With Life, Portrait, and numerous Illustrations.
ROUGHING IT, and INNOCENTS AT HOME. With 200 Illusts. by P. A. ERASER.
MARK TWAIN'S LIBRARY OF HUMOUR. With 197 Illustrations.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra (illustrated), 7s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s. each.
THE INNOCENTS ABROAD; or New Pilgrim's Progress. With 234 Illustrations.
(The Two-Shilling Edition is entitled MARK TWAIN'S PLEASURE TRIP.)
THE GILDED AGE. By MARK TWAIN and C. D. WARNER. With 212 Illustrations.
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER. With in Illustrations.
A TRAMP ABROAD. With 314 Illustrations.
THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER. With 190 Illustrations.
LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI. With 300 Illustrations.
ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN. With 174 Illusts. by E. W. KEMBLE.
A YANKEE AT THE COURT OF KING ARTHUR With 220 Illusts. by BEARD.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT. | MARK TWAIN'S SKETCHES.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
THE AMERICAN CLAIMANT. With 81 Illustrations by HAL HURST, &c.
THE 1.000,000 BANK-NOTE, and other New Stories.
TOM SAWYER ABROAD. Illustrated by DAN BEARD.
PUDD'NHEAD WILSON. Illustrated by Louis LOEB. _ [Shortly.
MARKS (H. S., R.A.), THE RECOLLECTIONS OF. With numerous
Photogravure and other Illustrations. Two Vols., demy 8vo, cloth, 32s. [Shortly.
MARLOWE'S WORKS. Including his Translations. Edited, with Notes
and Introductions, by Col. CUNNINGHAM. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, Gs, _
MARRY AT (FLORENCE), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, must, boards, 2. each.
A HARVEST OF WILD OATS. I FIGHTING THE AIR.
OPEN ! SESAME ! ___ | WRITTEN IN FIRE. _
MASSINGER'S PLAYS. From the Text of WILLIAM GIFFORD. Edited
by Col. CUNNINGHAM. Crown 8vo. cloth extra, tfs.
MASTERMAN^HALF-A-DOZEN DAUGHTERS : A Novel. By J.
MASTERMAN. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
MATTHEWS. A SECRET OF THE SEA, &c. ByBRANDER MATTHEWS.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. ; cloth limp, 2. Oil. _
MAYHEW.-LONDON CHARACTERS AND THE HUMOROUS SIDE
OF LONDON LIFE. By HENRY MAYHEW. With Illusts. Crown 8vo, cloth. 3*. Ud.
MEADET^TTy^AJOLDIER OF FORTUNE. Three Vols.
MENKEN. INFELICIA : Poems by ADAH ISAACS MENKEN. With
Illustrations by F. E. LUMMIS and F. O. C. PARLEY. Small 4to, cloth extra, 7. <id.
MERRTCK^THS MAN WHO WAS GOOD. By LEONARD MERRICK,
Author of " Vio let Moses," &o. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. _
MEXICAN MUSTANG (ON A), through Texas to the Rio Grande. By
A. E. SWEET and J. ARMOY KNOX. With 265 Illusts. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
MIDDLEMASS (JEAN). NOVELS BY. Post BVO, must, boards, 2s. each.
TOUCH AND SO. I MR. DORILLION.
MILLER. PHYSIOLOGY FOR THE YOUNG; or, The House of Life.
By Mrs, F.PBNWICK MILLER. With Illustrations. Post 8vo, cloth limp, !! 6d.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 17
MILTON (J. L.), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, Is. each; cloth.l8.6d. each.
THE HYGIENE OP THE SKIN. With Directions for Diet. Soaps. Baths, &c.
THE BATH IN DISEASES OF THE SKIN.
THE LAWS OP LIFE, AND THEIR RELATION TO DISEASES OF THE SKIN.
THE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT OF LEPR03Y. Demy 8vo, 1*.
MINTO (WM.)-WAS SHE GOOD OR BAD? Cr. Svo.ls. ; cloth, ls.6d.
MITFORD (BERTRAM), NOVELS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. ttd. each.
THE GUN-RUNNER: A Romance of Zululand. With Frontispiece by S. L.Wooo.
THE LUCK OF GERARD RIDGELEY. With a Frontispiece by STANLEY L. WOOD.
THE KINO'S ASSEGAI. With Six full-page Illustrations.
MOLESWORTH (MRS.), NOVELS BY.
HATHERCOURT RECTORY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
THAT GIRL IN BLACK. Crown 8vo, cloth, Is. 6d.
MOORE (THOMAS), WORKS BY.
THE EPICUREAN; and ALCIPHRON. Post 8vo, half-bound, 2s.
PROSE AND VERSE. With Suppressed Passages from the MEMOIRS OF LORD
BYRON. Edited by R. H. SHEPHERD. With Portrait. Cr. 8vo, cl. ex., 7x. 6d.
MUDDOCK (J. E.), STORIES BY.
STORIES WEIRD AND WONDERFUL. Post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
THE DEAD MAN'S SECRET: or, The Valley of Gold. With Frontispiece by
F. BARNARD. Crown 8vo. cloth extra. 5s. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
FROM THE BOSOM OF THE DEEP. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
MAID MARIAN AND ROBIN HOOD: A Romance of Old Sherwood Forest. With
12 Illustrations by STANLEY L. WOOD. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s.
MURRAY (D. CHRISTIE), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3*. 6<1. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards. 2s. each.
A LIFE'S ATONEMENT.
JOSEPH'S COAT.
COALS OF FiRE.
YAL STRANGE. I HEARTS.
WAY OF THE WORLD
A MODEL FATHER.
OLD BLAZER'S HERO.
CYNIC FORTUNE.
BY THE GATE OF THE SEA.
A BIT OF HUMAN NATURE.
FIRST PERSON SINGULAR.
BOB MARTIN'S LI1TLB
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3. Od. each. [GIRL.
TIME'S REVENGES. | A WASTED CRIME. [Shortly.
IN DIREST PERIL. Three Vols.. crown 8vo.
THE MAKING OF A NOVELIST : An Experiment in Autobiography. With a
Collotype Portrait and Vignette. Crown 8vo, Irish linen, 6s.
MURRAY (D. CHRISTIE) & HENRY HERMAN, WORKS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
ONE TRAVELLER RETURNS. | PAUL JONES'S ALIAS. | THE BISHOPS' BIBLE.
MURRAY (HENRY), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, must, bds., 2s. ea . ; ci., 2s. 6d. ea.
A GAME OF BLUFF. I A SONG OF SIXPENCE.
MEWBOLT. TAKEN FROM THE ENEMY. By HENRY NEWBOLT.
Fcap. 8 vo, cloth boards, Is. 6*1.
NTSFETTHUME), BOOKS BY.
"BAIL UP! " Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
DR. BERNARD ST. VINCENT. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
LESSONS IN ART. With 21 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 2s. 6d.
WH E RE ART BEGINS. With 27 Illusts. Square 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. fed.
NORRIS. ST. ANN'S : A Novel. By W. E. NORRIS. Two Vols.
Q' HANLON (ALICE), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THJMJNFORESEEN. | CHANCE? OR FATE?
OHNET (GEORGES), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
DOCTOR RAMEAU. | A LAST LOVE.
A WEIRD GIFT. Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. , post 8vo, picture boards, 2s.
OLIPHANT (MRS.), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE PRIMROSE PATH. | WHITELADIES.
_ THE GREATEST HEIRESS IN^NGLAND^
O'REILLY (HARRINGTON). LIFE AMONG THE AMERICAN IN-
DIANS; Fifty Years on the Trail. 100 Illusts. by P. FRENZENY. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d.
O'REILLY (MRS.).-PHffiBE T S"FORTUNES. Post 8vo, illust. bds., 2s".
i8
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
OUIDA, NOVELS BY.
HELD IN BONDAGE.
TRICOTRIN.
BTRATHMORE,
CHANDOS.
CECIL CASTLEHAINE'S
GAGE.
UNDER TWO FLAGS.
PUCK. I IDALIA.
Cr. 8vo, cl., 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illust.bds., 2s. each.
MOTHS. | PIPISTRELLO.
A VILLAGE COMMUNE.
IN MAREMMA.
BIMBI. | SYRLIH.
WANDA.
FRESCOES. | OTHMAR.
PRINCESS NAPRAXINE.
GUILDEROT. | RUFFINO.
FOLLE-FARINE.
A DOG OF FLANDERS.
PASCAREL. | SIGN A.
TWO LITTLE WOODEN
SHOES.
IN A WINTER CITY.
ARIADNE.
FRIENDSHIP.
Square Svo, cloth extra, 3m. each.
BIMBI. With Nine Illustrations by EDMUND H. GARRETT.
A DOG OF FLANDERS, &c. With Six Illustrations by EDMUND H. GARRET T.
SANTA BARBARA, &c. Square Svo, cloth, 6s. ; crown Svo, cloth, 3s. 6d. ; pos*
Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
TWO OFFENDERS. Square Svo, cloth extra, 6a.
WISDOM, WIT, AND PATHOS, selected fronvthe Works of OUIDA by F. SYDNBY
MORRIS. Post Svo, cloth extra, 5s. CHEAP EDITION, illustrated boards, 2s.
PAGE (H. A.), WORKS BY.
* THOREAU : His Life and Aims. With Portrait. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
ANIMAL ANECDOTES. Arranged on a New Principle. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 5m.
PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS AND ELECTIONEERING, A HIS-
TORY OF. from the Stuarts to Queen Victoria. ByTosEpH GREGO. A New Edition,
with 93 Illustrations. Demy Svo, cloth extra, 7a. 6<1.
PASCAL'S PROVINCIAL LETTERS7~~A~New Translation, with His-
torical Introduction and Notes by T. M'CRIE, P.P. Post Svo. cloth limp, 2s.
PAUL. GENTLE AND SIMPLE. By MARGARET A. PAUL. With Frontis-
piece by HELEN PATERSON Crown Svo, cloth, 3m. 6d. ; post Svo, illust. boards, 2a.
PAYN (JAMES), NOVELS BY.
Crown Svo, cloth extra. 3s. 6cl. each:
LOST SIR MASSINGBERD.
WALTER'S WORD.
LESS BLACK THAN WE'RE
PAINTED.
BY PROXY. | FOR CASH ONLY.
HIGH SPIRITS.
UNDER ONE ROOF.
A CONFIDENTIAL AGENT.
post Svo, illustrated boards, 2ft. each.
A GRAPE FROM A THORN.
FROM EXILE.
THE CANON'S WARD.
THE TALK OF THE TOWN.
HOLIDAY TASKS.
GLOW-WORM TALES.
THE MYSTERY OF MIRBRIDGE.
THE WORD AND THE WILL.
HUMOROUS STORIES.
THE FOSTER BROTHERS.
THE FAMILY SCAPEGRACE.
MARRIED BENEATH HIM.
BENTINCK'S TUTOR.
A PERFECT TREASURE.
A COUNTY FAMILY.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
A WOMAN'S VENGEANCE.
CARLYON'S YEAR. CECIL'S TRYST.
MURPHY'S MASTER.
AT HER MERCY.
THE CLYFFARDS OF CLYFFE.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
FOUND DEAD.
GWENDOLINE'S HARVEST.
A MARINE RESIDENCE.
MIRK ABBEY. | SOME PRIVATE VIEWS.
NOT WOOED, BUT WON.
TWO HUNDRED POUNDS REWARD.
THE BEST OF HUSBANDS.
HALVES. | THE BURNT MILLION.
FALLEN FORTUNES.
WHAT HE COST HER.
KIT: A MEMORY.
A PRINCE OF THE BLOOD.
SUNNY STORIES.
Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each.
A TRYING PATIENT, &c. With a Frontispiece by STANLEY L. WOOD.
IN PERIL AND PRIVATION ; Stories of MARIMB ADVENTURE. With 17 Illusts.
NOTES FROM THE " NEWS." Crown Svo, portrait cover. Is. ; cloth, IB. 6d.
PENNELL (H. CHOLMONDELEY). WORKS BY. Post 8vo,ci.,2s.6d. each.
PUCK ON PEGASUS. With Illustrations.
PEGASUS RE-SADDLED. With Ten full-page Illustrations by G. Du MAURIER.
THE MUSES OF MAYFAIR. Vers de Societe, Selected by H. C. PENNELL.
PHELPS(E. STUART), WORKS BY. Post Svo Is. each; cloth Is. 6d. each.
BEYOND THE GATES. | OLD MAID'S PARADISE. | BURGLARS IN PARADISE.
JACK THE FISHERMAN. Illustrated by C. W. REED. Cr. Svo. IB. ; cloth, Is. 6d.
PIRKIS (C. L.), NOVELS BY.
TROOPING WITH CROWS. Fcap. Svo, picture cover, Is.
LADY LOVELACE. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 19
PLANCHE (J. R.), WORKS BY.
THE PURSUIVANT OF ARMS. With Six Plates, and 309 Illusts. Cr. 8vo , cl. 7s. d.
BOHOB AMD POEMS, 1819-1879. Introduction by Mrs. MACKARNESS. Cr. 8vo, cl..6s.
PLUTARCH'S LIVES OF ILLUSTRTOUOlEN. With Notes and Life
of Plutarch by J. and WM. LANGHORNE. Portraits. Two Vol3.,demy 8vo, IPs. 6d.
POE'S (EDGAR ALLAN) CHOICE WORKS, in Prose and Poetry. Intro-
duction by CHAS. BAUDELAIRE, Portrait, and Facsimiles. Cr. 8vo, cloth, 7s. 6d.
THE MYSTERY OP MARIE ROGET, &c. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 3s.
POPE'S POETICAL WORKS. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s.
PRAED (MRS. CAMPBELL), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, must. MS., a. ea.
THE ROMANCE OP A STATION. | THE SOUL OF COUNTESS ADRIAN.
OUTLAW AND LAWMAKER. Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. [.Shortly.
CHRISTINA CHARD. Three Vols., crown 8vo. _____
PRICE (E. C.), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
YALENTINA. | THE FOREIGNERS. | MRS. LANCASTER'S RIVAL.
GERALD. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
PRINCESS OLGA. RADNA. By Princess OLGA. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
PROCTOR (RICHARD A., B.A.), WORKS BY.
FLOWERS OF THE SKY. With 55 Illusts. Small crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
EASY STAR LESSONS. With Star Maps for Every Night in the Year. Cr. 8vo, 6s.
FAMILIAR SCIENCE STUDIES. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
SATURN AND ITS SYSTEM. With 13 Steel Plates. Demy 8vo, cloth ex., IDs. 6d.
MYSTERIES OF TIME AND SPACE. With Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
THE UNIVERSE OF SUNS. With numerous Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, cloth ex., 6s.
WAGES AND WANTS OF SCIENCE WORKERS. Crown 8vo, Is. 6d.
PKYCE. MISS MAXWELL'S AFFECTIONS. By RICHARD PRYCE.
Frontispiece by HAL LUDLOW. Cr. 8vo, cl., 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. boards., 8s.
13 AMBOSSON. POPULAR ASTRONOMY. By J. RAMBOSSON, Laureate
** of the Institute of France. With numerous Illusts. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
RANDOLPH.-AUNT ABIGAIL DYKES: A Novel. By Lt. -Colonel
GEORGE RANDOLPH, U.S.A. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
READE (CHARLES), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, illustrated, 3s. 6d. each; postSvo, illust. bds., 2s. each.
PEG WOFFINGTON. Illustrated by S. L. FILDES, R.A. Also a POCKET EDITION,
set in New Type, in Elzevir style, fcap. 8vo, half-leather, 2s. 6d. And a Cheap
POPULAR EDITION of PEG WOFFINGTON and CHRISTIE JOHNSTONE, the two
Stories in One Volume, medium 8vo. 6d. ; cloth, Is.
CHRISTIE JOHNSTONE. Illustrated by WILLIAM SMALL. Also a POCKET EDITION,
set in New Type, in Elzevir style, fcap. 8vo, half-leather, 2s. 6d.
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND. Illustrated by G. J. PINWELL. Also a Cheap
POPULAR EDITION, medium 8vo, portrait cover, 6d. ; cloth, 1*.
COURSE OP TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH. Illust HELEN PATERSON.
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A THIEF, &c. Illustrated by MATT STRETCH.
LOVE MB LITTLE, LOVE ME LONG. Illustrated by M. ELLEN EDWARDS.
THE DOUBLE MARRIAGE. Illusts. by Sir JOHN GILBERT, R.A., and C. KEENE.
THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH. Illustrated by CHARLES KEENE. Also a
CHEAP POPULAR EDITION, medium 8vo, 6d.; cloth, Is.
HARD CASH. Illustrated by F. W. LAWSON.
GRIFFITH GAUNT. Illustrated by S. L. FILDES, R.A., and WILLIAM SMALL.
FOUL PLAY. Illustrated by GEORGE Du MAURIER.
PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE. Illustrated by ROBERT BARNES.
A TERRIBLE TEMPTATION. Illustrated by EDWARD HUGHES and A. W. COOPER
A SIMPLETON. Illustrated by KATB CRAUFURD.
THE WANDERING HEIR. Illust. by H. PATERSON, S. L. FILDES, C. GREEN, &c.
A WOMAN-HATER. Illustrated by THOMAS COULDERY.
SINGLEHEART AND DOUBLEFACE. Illustrated by P. MACNAB.
GOOD STORIES OP MEN AND OTHER ANIMALS. Illust. by E.A. ABBEY, &c.
THE JILT, and other Stories. Illustrated by JOSEPH NASH.
A PERILOUS SECRET. Illustrated by FRED. BARNARD.
READIANA. With a Steel-plate Portrait of CHARLES READS.
BIBLE CHARACTERS: Studies of David, Paul, &c. Fcap. 8vo, leatherette, Is.
THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH. With an Introduction by WALTER BESANT
Elzevir Edition. 4 vols.,post 8vo, each with Front., cl. ex., gilt top, 14s. the set
SELECTIONS PROM THE WORKS OF CHARLES READE. Cr. 8vo, buckram <js>
20 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
RIDDELL (MRS. J. H.), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo cloth extra 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE PRINCE OF WALES'S GARDEN PARTY. | WEIRD STORIES.
Post 8v , illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE UNINHABITED HOUSE.
MYSTERY IN PALACE GARDENS.
FAIRY WATER.
HER MOTHER'S DARLING.
THE NUN'S CURSE.
IDLE TALES.
RIMMER (ALFRED), WORKS BY. Square 8vo, cloth gilt, 7s. 6d. each.
OUR OLD COUNTRY TOWNS. With 55 Illustrations.
RAMBLES ROUND ETON AND HARROW. With 50 Illustrations.
ABOUT ENGLAND WITH DICKENS. With 58 Illusts. byC. A. VANDERHOOF, &c.
RIVES. BARBARA BERING. By AMELIE RIVES, Author of " The
Quick or the Dead ? " Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. bds., 2s.
ROBINSON CRUSOE. By DANIEL DEFOE. (MAJOR'S EDITION.) With
37 Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Post 8vo, half-pound, 2s.
ROBINSON (F. W.), NOVELS BY.
WOMEN ARE STRANGE. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
THE HANDS OF JUSTICE. Cr. 8vo, cloth ex., 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. bds., 2a.
ROBINSON (PHIL), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. each.
THE POETS' BIRDS. I THE POETS' BEASTS.
THE POETS AND NATURE; REPTILES, FISHES, AND INSECTS.
ROCHEFOUCAULD'S MAXIMS AND MORAL REFLECTIONS. With
Notes, and an Introductory Essay by SAINTE-BEUVE. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s.
ROLL OF BATTLE ABBEY, THE : A List of the Principal Warriors
who came from Normandy with William the Conqueror. Handsomely printed, 5s.
ROWLEY (HON. HUGH), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, cloth, 2s. GA. each.
PUNIANA: RIDDLES AND JOKES. With numerous Illustrations.
MORE PUNIANA. Profusely Illustrated.
RUNCIMAN (JAMES), STORIES BY. Post 8vo, bds., 2*. ea. ; cl., 2s. 6d. ea.
SKIPPERS AND SHELLBACKS. I GRACE BALMAIGN'S SWEETHEART.
SCHOOLS AND SCHOLARS. |
RUSSELL (W. CLARK), BOOKS AND NOVELS BY :
Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. each; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s. each ; cloth limp, 2s. 6d. ea.
ROUND THE GALLEY-FIRE,
IN THE MIDDLE WATCH.
A VOYAGE TO THE CAPE.
A BOOK FOR THE HAMMOCK.
MYSTERY OF THE "OCEAN STAR."
THE ROMANCE OF JENNY HARLOWE.
Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3*. 6d. ea. ; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s. ea. ; cloth limp, 2s. Od. ea.
AN OCEAN TRAGEDY. | MY SHIPMATE LOUISE.
ALONE ON A WIDE WIDE SEA.
ON THE FO'K'SLE HEAD. Post 8vo. illust. boards, 2s. ; cloth limp. 2a. 6d.
CAINT AUBYN (ALAN). NOVELS BY.
^ Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. O<1. each ; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s. each.
A FELLOW OF TRINITY. Note by OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES and Frontispiece.
THE JUNIOR DEAN. | THE MASTER OF ST. BENEDICT'S,
Fcap. 8vo, cloth boards, Is. 6d. each.
THE OLD MAID'S SWEETHEART. | MODEST LITTLE SARA,
TO HIS OWN MASTER. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. [Shortly.
IN THE FACE OF THE WORLD. Two Vols.
SALA (G. A.).-GASLIGHT AND DAYLIGHT. Post 8vo. boards. 2s.
SANSON.-SEVEN GENERATIONS OF EXECUTIONERS : Memoirs
of the Sanson Family (1688 to 1847). Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3. 6d.
SAUNDERS (JOHN), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
GUY WATERMAN. | THE LION IN THE PATH. | THE TWO DREAMERS.
BOUND TO THE WHEEL. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
SAUNDERS (KATHARINE), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards. 2s. each.
MARGARET AND ELIZABETH. I HEART SALVAGE.
THE HIGH MILLS. | SEBASTIAN.
JOAN MERRYWE ATHER. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s,
GIDEON'S ROCK. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s, 6d.
CHATTO & WINDU8, 214, PICCADILLY. 21
SCOTLAND YARD, Past and Present : Experiences of 37 Years. By
Ex-Cbief-Inspector CAVANAGH. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 8s. ; cloth, 3a. 6d.
SECRET OUT. THE : One Thousand Tricks with Cards ; with Enter-
taining Experiments in Drawing-room or "White Magic." By W. H. CREMF.R.
With 300 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 4. 6d.
SEGUIN (L. G.), WORKS BY.
THE COUNTRY OP THE PASSION PLAY (OBERAMMERGAU) and the Highlands
of Bavaria. With Map and 37 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3. 6d.
WALKS IN ALGIERS. With a Maps and 16 Illusts. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
SENIOR (WM.). BY STREAM AND SEA. Post 8vo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
SHAKESPEARE FOR CHILDREN: LAMB'S TALES FROM SHAKE-
SPEARE. With Illusts., coloured and plain, by J. MOYR SMITH. Cr. 4to, 3*. 6d.
SHARP. CHILDREN OF TO-MORROW: A Novel. By WILLIAM
SHARP. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
SHELLEY.-THE COMPLETE WORKS IN VERSE AND PROSE OF
PERCY BY38HE SHELLEY. Edited, Prefaced, and Annotated by R. HERNE
SHEPHERD. Five Vols., crown 8vo, cloth boards, 3s. 6d. each.
POETICAL WORKS, in Three Vols. :
Vol. I. Introduction by the Editor; Posthumous Fragments of Margaret Nicholson; Shelley's Corre
spondence with.Stockdale: The Wandering Jew; Queen Mab, with the Notes; Alastor,
and other Poems ; Rosalind and Helen : Prometheus Unbound ; Adonals, &c.
Vol. II. Laon and Cythna ; The Cencl ; Julian and Maddalo; Swellfoot the Tyrant; The Witch of
Atlas; Epipsychidion; Hellas.
Vol. III. Posthumous Poems ; The Masque of Anarchy ; and other Pieces.
PROSE WORKS, in Two Vols. :
Vol. I. The Two Romances of ZastrozzI and St. Irvyne : the Dublin and Marlow Pamphlets ; A Refuta-
tion of Deism ; Letters to Leigh Hunt, and some Minor Writings and Fragments.
Vol. II. The Essays; Letters from Abroad: Translations and Fragments, Edited by Mrs. SHELLEY.
With a Bibliography of Shelley, and an Index of the Prose Works.
SHERARD (R. H.). ROGUES : A Novel. Crown 8vo. lg. ; cloth, Is. 6d.
SHERIDAN (GENERAL). PERSONAL MEMOIRS OF GENERAL
P. H. SHERIDAN. With Portraits and Facsimiles. Two Vols., demy 8vo, cloth, '248.
SHERIDAN'S (RICHARD BRINSLEY) COMPLETE WORKS. With
Life and Anecdotes. Including his Dramatic Writings, his Works in Prose and
Poetry, Translations, Speeches and Jokes. 10 Illusts. Cr. 8vo, hf.-bound, 7s. Od.
THE RIVALS, THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL, and other Plays. Post 8vo, printed
on laid paper and half-bound, 2s.
SHERIDAN'S COMEDIES: THE RIVALS and THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL,
Edited, with an Introduction and Notes to each Play, and a Biographical Sketch, hy
BRANPER MATTHEWS. With Illustrations. Demy 8vo, half-parchment. 18>. (<t.
SIDNEY'S (SIR PHILIP) COMPLETE POETICAL WORKS, inched"-
ing all those in "Arcadia." With Portrait, Memorial-Introduction, Notes, &c. by the
Rev. A. B. GROSART, P.P. Three Vols., crown 8vo, cloth boards, 18s.
SIGNBOARDS : Their History. With Anecdotes of Famous Taverns
and Remarkable Characters. By JACOB LARWOOD and JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN
With Coloured Frontispiece and 94 Illustrations. Crown 8vo t cloth extra, 7s. Od.
SIMS (GEORGE R.), WORKS BY.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 5J. each; cloth limp, 2s. 6d. eaca.
ROGUES AND VAGABONDS. I HART JANE HARRIED.
THE RING 0' BELLS. TALES OF TO-DAY.
MARY JANE'S MEMOIRS. I DRAMAS OF LIFE. With 60 Illustrations.
TINKLETOP'S CRIME. With a Frontispiece by MAURICE GREIFFENHAGEN.
ZEPH: A Circus Story, &c. | MY TWO WIVES.
Crovvn 8vo, picture cover, In. each ; cloth, Is. 6d. each.
HOW THE POOR LIVE ; and HORRIBLE LONDON.
THE DAGONET RECITER AND READER: being Readings and Recitations in
Prose and Verse, selected from his own Works by GEORGE R. Sivs.
THE CASE OF GEORGE CANDLEMAS. | DAGONET DITTIES.
SISTER DORA : A Biography. By MARGARET LONSDALE. With Four
Illustrations. Demy 8vo, picture cover, 4d.; cloth, 6d.
SKETCHLEY. A MATCH IN THE DARK, By ARTHUR SKETCHLKY.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, ?,
22 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
SLANG DICTIONARY (THE): Etymological, Historical, and Aneo
dotal. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s. 6d.
SMITH (J. MOYR), WORKS BY.
THE PRINCE OF ARGOLIS. With 130 Illusts. Post 8vo, cloth extra. 3s. 6<1.
THE WOOING OF THE WATER WITCH. Illustrated. Post 8vo, cloth, 6s.
SOCIETY IN LONDON. By A FOREIGN RESIDENT. Crown 8vo,
la. ; cloth, Is. 6d.
SOCIETY IN PARIS : The Upper Ten Thousand. A Series of Letters
from Count PAUL VASILI to a Young French Diplomat. Crown 8vo. cloth 6s.
SOMERSET. - SONGS OF ADIEU. By Lord HENRY SOMERSET.
Small 4to, Japanese vellum, 6s.
SPALDING. ELIZABETHAN DEMONOLOGY : An Essay on the Belief
in the Existence of Devils. By T. A. SPALDING, LL.B. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s.
SPEIGHT (T. W.), NOVELS BY.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE MYSTERIES OF HERON DYKE.
BY DEVIOUS WAYS, &c.
HOODWINKED; and THE SANDY-
CROFT MYSTERY.
THE GOLDEN HOOP.
BACK TO LIFE.
THE LOUDWATER TRAGEDY.
BURGO'S ROMANCE.
Post 8vo, cloth limp, Is. 6d. each.
A BARREN TITLE. ___ | WIFE OR NO WIFE?
THE SANDYCROFT MYSTERY. Crown 8vo, picture cover, Is. _
SPENSER FOR CHILDREN. By M. H. TOWRY. With Illustrations
by WALTER J. MORGAN. Crown 4to, cloth extra, 3s. 6cl. _
STARRY HEAVENS (THE): A POETICAL BIRTHDAY BOOK. RoTal
i6mo, cloth extra, 2s. 6d. _
STAUNTON.^THE LAWS AND PRACTICE OF CHESS. With an
Analysis of the Openings. By HOWARD STAUNTON. Edited by ROBERT B. WORMALD.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s. _
STEDMAN (E. C.), WORKS BY.
VICTORIAN POETS. Thirteenth Edition. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 9s.
THE POETS OF AMERICA. Crown 8vo. cloth extra. 9s. _
STERNDALE. -- THE AFGHAN KNIFE: A Novel. By ROBERT
ARMITAGE STERNDALE. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2s.
STEVENSON (R. LOUIS), WORKS BY. Post 8vo, ci. limp, a. 6d. each!
TRAVELS WITH A DONKEY. Seventh Edit. With a Fronds, by WALTER CRANE.
AN INLAND VOYAGE. Fourth Edition. With a Frontispiece by WALTER CRANE.
Crown 8vo, buckram, gilt top, 6s. each.
FAMILIAR STUDIES OF MEN AND BOOKS. Sixth Edition.
THE MERRY MEN. Third Edition. | UNDERWOODS: Poems. Fifth Edition.
MEMORIES AND PORTRAITS. Thin! Edition.
YIRGINIBUS PUERISQUE, and other Papers. Seventh Edition. | BALLADS.
ACROSS THE PLAINS, with other Memories and Essays.
NEW ARABIAN NIGHTS. Eleventh Edition. Crown 8vo. buckram, gilt top, 6s.;
post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
THE SUICIDE CLUB; and THE RAJAH'S DIAMOND. (From NEW ARABIAN
NIGHTS.) With Six Illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE. Crown 8vo, cloth
extra, 5s. [Shortly.
PRINCE OTTO. Sixth Edition, Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
FATHER DAMIEN: An Open Letter to the Rev. Dr. Hyde. Second Edition.
Crown 8vo, hand-made and brown paper, 1.
STODDARD. SUMMER CRUISING IN THE SOUTH SEAS. By"
C. WARREN STODDARD. Illustrated by WALLIS MACKAY. Cr. 8vo, cl. extra, 3s. 6tl.
STORIES FROM FOREIGN NOVELISTS. With Notices by HELEN and
ALICE ZIMMERN. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
STRANGE ~
With 19 Illustrations by GILBERT GAUL. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 5s. ; post 8vo,
illustrated boards, 2s.
__ __ _
STRANGE SECRETS. Told by CONAN DOYLE, PERCY FITZGERALD, FLOR-
MARRYAT, &c. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 3s.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY 23
STRUTT'S SPORTS AND PASTIMES OF THE PEOPLE OF
ENGLAND; including the Rural and Domestic Recreations, May Games, Mum-
meries, Shows, &c., from the Earliest Period to the Present Time. Edited by
WILLIAM HONE. With 140 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
SWIFT'S (DEAN) CHOICE WORKS, in Prose and Verse. With Memoir,
Portrait, and Facsimiles of the Maps in " Gulliver's Travels." Cr. Bvo, cl., 7s. 6d.
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS, and A TALE OF A TUB. Post Bvo, half-bound, '2*.
JONATHAN SWIFT; A Study. ByJ.CHURTON COLLINS. Crown 8vo. cloth prfra. ^s.
SWINBURNE (ALGERNON C.), WORKS BY.
SELECTIONS FROM POETICAL WORKS OF A. C.
SWINBURNE. Fcap. Svo, 6s.
ATALANTA IN OALYDON. Crown Svo, 6s.
CHASTELARD : A Tragedy. Crown Svo, la.
POEMS AND BALLADS. FIRST SERIES. Crown
Svo or fcap. Svo, 9s.
POEMS AND BALLADS. SECOND SERIES.
Crown Svo or fcap. Svo, 9s.
POEMS & BALLADS. THIRD SERIES. Cr. Svo, la.
BONGS BEFORE SUNRISE. Crown Svo, 10s. 8d.
BOTHWELL : A Tragedy. Crown Svo, 12s. 6d.
BONGS OF TWO NATIONS. Crown Svo, 6s.
GEORGE CHAPMAN. (See Vol. II. of G. CHAP-
MAN'S Works.) Crown Svo, 6s.
ESSAYS AND STUDIES. Crown Svo, 12s.
ERECHTHEUS : A Tragedy. Crown 8ro, 8s.
A NOTE ON CHARLOTTE BRONTE. Cr. Svo, 6s.
SONGS OF THE SPRINGTIDES. Crown Svo, 6B.
STUDIES IN SONG. Crown Svo, la.
MARY STUART : A Tragedy. Crown Svo, 8*.
TRISTRAM OF LYONESSE. Crown Svo, 9s.
A CENTURY OF ROUNDELS. Small 410, 8a.
A MIDSUMMER HOLIDAY. Crown Svo, la.
MARINO FALIERO : A Tragedy. Crown Svo, 61.
A STUDY OF VICTOR HUGO. Crown Svo, to.
MISCELLANIES. Crown svo, i2s.
LOCRINE : A Tragedy. Crown Svo, 6s.
A STUDY OF BEN JONSON. Crown Svo, la.
THS SISTERS: A Tragedy. Crown Svo, 6s.
ASTROPHEL, &c. Crown Svo, 7s.
SYNTAX'S (DR.) THREE TOURS : In Search of the Picturesque, in
Search of Consolation, and in Search of a Wife. With ROWLANDSON'S Coloured Illus-
trations, and Lite of the Author by J. C. HOTTEN. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
TAINE'S HISTORY OF ENGLISH LITERATURE. Translated!^
A HENRY VAN LAUN. Four Vols., small demy 8vo, cl. bds., 3Os. POPULAR EDITION,
Two Vols., large crown Svo, cloth extra, 15s.
TAYLOR'S (BAYARD) DIVERSIONS OF THE ECHO CLUB : Bu7-
lesques of Modern Writers. Post Svo, cloth limp, 2s.
TAYLOR (DR. J. E., F.L.S.), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo. cloth, 5s. each.
THE SAGACITY AND MORALITY OP PLANTS: A Sketch ot the Life and Conduct
of the Vegetable Kingdom. With a Coloured Frontispiece and 100 Illustrations.
OUR COMMON BRITISH FOSSILS, and Where to Find Them. 331 Illustrations.
THE PLAYTIME NATURALIST. With 366 Illustrations.
TAYLOR'S (TOM) HISTORICAL DRAMAS. Containing " Clancarty,"
"Jeanne Dare," "'Twist Axe and Crown," "The Fool's Revenge," " Arkwright's
Wife," "Anne Boleyn," " Plot and Passion." Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
%* The Plays may also be had separately, at Is. each.
TENNYSON (LORD): A Biographical Sketch. By H. J. JENNINGS.
With a Photograph-Portrait. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 6s. Cheap Edition, post 8vo,
portrait cover, Is.; cloth, Is. Od.
THACKERAY ANA : Notes and Anecdotes. Illustrated by Hundreds of
Sketches by WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
THAMES. A NEW PICTORIAL HISTORY OF THE THAMES.
By A. S. KRAUSSE. With 340 Illustrations Post Svo, Is. ; cloth, JLm. (id.
THIERS.-HISTORY OF THE CONSULATE & EMPIRE OF FRANCE
UNDER NAPOLEON. By A. THIERS. Translated by D. FORBES CAMPBELL and
JOHN STEBBING. New Edition, reset in a specially-cast type, with 36 Steel Plates.
12 vols., demy Svo, cl. ex., 125. each. (Monthly Volumes, beginning September, 1893.)
THOMAS (BERTHA), NOVELS BY. Cr. 8vo, ci., s. 6d. ea . ; post 8vo, z*. ea.
THE VIOLIN-PLAYER. | PROUD MAISIE.
CRESSIDA. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2s.
THOMSON'S SEASONS, and CASTLE OF INDOLENCE. With Intro-
duction by ALLAN CUNNINGHAM, and 48 Illustrations. Post Svo, half-bound, 2s.
THORNBURY (WALTER), WORKS BY.
THE LIFE AND CORRESPONDENCE OF J. M. W. TURNER. With Illustra-
tions in Colours. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 7s. (id.
Post Svo, illustrated boards, lis. each. '
OLD STORIES RE-TOLD. | TALES FOR THE MARINES,
24 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
TIMES (JOHN), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra. 7m. 6d. each.
THE HISTORY OF CLUBS AND CLUB LIFE IN LONDON: Anecdotes of its
Famous Coffee-houses, Hostelries, and Taverns. With 42 Illustrations
ENGLISH ECCENTRICS AND ECCENTRICITIES: Stories of Delusions, Impos-
tures, Sporting Scenes, Eccentric Artists, Theatrical Folk. &c. 48 Illustrations
TROLLOPE (ANTHONY), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE WAY WE LIVE NOW. I MR. SCARBOROUGH'S FAMILY.
FRAU FROHMANN. | MARION FAY. | THE LAND-LEAGUERS.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 3s. each.
KEPT IN THE DARK. I AMERICAN SENATOR.
GOLDEN LION OF ORANPERE. | JOHN CALDIGATE.
TROLLOPE (FRANCES E.), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
LIKE SHIPS UPON THE SEA. j MABEL'S PROGRESS. | ANNE FURNESS.
TROLLOPE (T. A.).-DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. Post 8vo, must. bds.T37.
TROWBRIDGE.-FARNELL'S FOLLY: A Novel. By J. T. TROW-
BRIDGE. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s.
TYTLER (C. C. FRASER-). MISTRESS~JtJDITH : A Novel. By
C. C. FRASERTYTLER. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. Od. ; post 8vo, illust. boards, 2.
TYTLER (SARAH), NOVELS BY.
Crown 8vo. cloth extra. 3s. 6d. each ; post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
THE BRIDE'S PASS. I BURIED DIAMONDS.
LADY BELL. I THE BLACKHALL GHOSTS.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
WHAT SHE CAME THROUGH.
CITOYENNE JACQUELINE
SAINT MUNGO'S CITY.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
DISAPPEARED. | NOBLESSE OBLIGE.
THE HUGUENOT FAMILY.
TTNDERHILL. WALTER BESANT : A Study. By JOHN UNDERHILL.
With Portraits. Crown 8vo, Irish linen, 6s. _ [Shortly.
UPWARD. THE QUEEN AGAINST OWEN: By ALLEN UPWARD.
With Frontispiece by J. S. CROMPTON. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. Cd. _
VASHTI AND ESTHER. By the Writer of "Belle's" Letters in The
World. Crown 8vo t ^Ip_th_extra, 3s. 6d. _ [Shortly.
VILLARI. A DOUBLE BOND. By LINDA VILLARI. Fcap. 8vo, Is.
WALFORD (EDWARD, M.A.). WORKS BY.
WALFORD'S COUNTY FAMILIES OF THE UNITED KINGDpM (1894). Containing the Des snt,
Birth, Marriage, Education, &<: of 12,000 Heads of Families, their Heirs, Offices, Addrr ,ses,
Clubs, &c. Royal 8vo, cloth gilt, 50s.
WALFORD'S WINDSOR PEERAGE, BARONETAGE, AND KNIGHTAGE 0894). Crown 8vo, cloth
extra, 12s. Jd.
WALFORD'S SHILLING FEERAGE (1894). Containing a List of the House of Lords, Scotch and
Irih Peers, &c. ^2tno, cloth. Is.
WALFORD'S SHILLING BARONETAGE (1894). Containing a List of the Baronets of the United
Kingdom, Biographical Notices, Addresses, &C. 321110, cloth, Is.
WALFORD'S SHILLING KNIGHTAGE (1894). Containing a List of the Knights of the United
Kingdom, Biographical Notices. Addresses, &c. 32mo, cloth, la.
WALFORD'S SHILLING HOUSE OF COMMOH8 0894). Containing a List of all the Members of the
New Parliament, their Addresses. Clubs, &c. 32100, cloth. Is.
WALFORD 8 COMPLETE FEERAGE, BARONETAGE, KNIGHTAGE, AND HOUSE OF COMMONS
(1894). Royal szmo, cloth, gilt edges^fa.
__
TALES OF OUR GREAT FAMILIES. Crown SroTclothextra. 3s. 6d.
WALT WHITMAN, POEMS BY. Edited, with Introduction, by
WILLIAM M. ROSSETTI. With Portrait. Cr.Svo, hand-made paper and buckram, 6s.
^^
WALTON DCpTONS^COliPOTffir^GLiH ; or, The Con-
templative Man's Recreation, by IZAAK WALTON ; and Instructions how to Angle for a
Trout or Grayling in a clear Stream, by CHARLES COTTON. With Memoirs and Notes
_ by Sir HARRIS NICOLAS, and 61 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth antique, Ts. 6d.
WARD (HERBERT), WORKS BYT"
FIVE YEARS WITH THE CONGO CANNIBALS. With 92 Illustrations by the
Author, VICTOR PERARD, and W. B. DAVIS. Third ed. Roy. 8vo, cloth ex., 14s.
MY LIFE WITH STANLEY'S REAR GUARD. With a Map by F. S. WELLER,
F.R.G.S. PostSvo, Is.; cloth, Is. 6d. __ ______^ _
WARNER. A ROUNDABOUT JOURNEY^ By CHARLES DUDLEY
WARNER, Crown 8vo cloth extra 6s.
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 25
WARRANT TO EXECUTE CHARLES I. A Facsimile, with the 59
Signatures and Seals. Printed on paper 22 in. by 14 in. 2s.
WARRANT TO EXECUTE MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS. A Facsimile, including
Queen Elizabeth's Signature and the Great Seal. 2a.
WASSERMANN (LILLIAS), NOVELS BY.
THE DAFFODILS. Crown 8vo, la. ; cloth, la. 6d.
THE MARQUIS OF CARABAS. By AARON WATSON and LILLIAS WASSERMANN.
Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2.
WEATHER, HOW TO FORETELL THE, WITH POCKET SPEC-
TROSCOPE. By F. W. CORY. With 10 Illustrations. Cr. 8vo, Is. ; cloth, Is. Ol.
WESTALL (William). TRUST-MONEY. Post 8vo,'iriusT bds., 2s.
WHIST. -HOW TO PLAY SOLO WHIST. By ABRAHAM S. WILKS
and CHARLES F. PARDON. New Edition. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s.
WHITE.-THE NATURAL HISTORY OF SELBORNE. By GILBERT
WHITE, M.A. Post 8vo, printed on laid paper and half-bound, 2s.
WILLIAMS (W. MATTIEU, F.R.A.S.), WORKS BY.
SCIENCE IN SHORT CHAPTERS. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d.
A SIMPLE TREATISE ON HEAT. With Illusts. Cr. 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d.
THE CHEMISTRY OF COOKERY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6s.
THE CHEMISTRY OF IRON AND STEEL MAKING. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 9s.
A VINDICATION OF PHRENOLOGY. With over 40 Illustrations. Demy 8vo,
cloth extra, 12s. 6d.
WILLIAMSON (MRS.^TH.). A CHILD WIDOW. Post 8vo. bds72s^
WILSON (DR. ANDREW, F.R.S.E.), WORKS BY.
CHAPTERS ON EVOLUTION. With 259 illustrations. Cr. 8vo, cloth extra, 7. 6d.
LEAVES FROM A NATURALIST'S NOTE-BOOK. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2. 6d.
LEISURE-TIME STUDIES. With Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 6.
STUDIES IN LIFE AND SENSE. With numerous Illusts. Cr. 8vo, cl. ex., 6s.
COMMON ACCIDENTS: HOW TO TREAT THEM. Illusts. Cr. 8vo, Is.; cl., ls.6d.
GLIMPSES OF NATURE. With 35 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
WINTER (J. S.), STORIES BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2. each;
cloth limp, 2.*. tid. each.
CAVALRY LIFE. [REGIMENTAL LEGENDS.
A SOLDIER'S CHILDREN. With 34 Illustrations by E. G.THOMSON and E. STUART
HARDY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d.
WISSMANN.-MY SECOND JOURNEY THROUGH EQUATORIAL
AFRICA. By HERMANN VON WISSMANN. With 92 Illusts. Demy 8vo, 16s.
WOOD. SABINAT^A. Novel. By Lady WOOD. Post Svo, boards. 2s.
WOOD (H. F.), DETECTIVE STORIES BY. Post Svo, boards. 2s. each.
PASSENGER FROM SCOTLAND YARD. | ENGLISHMAN OF THE RUE CAIN.
WOOLLEY. -RACHEL ARMSTRONG ; or, Love and Theology. By
CELIA PARKER WOOLLEY. Post Svo, illustrated boards, 2t. ; cloth, 2. CM!.
WRIGHT (THOMAS), WORKS BY. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7*. 6d. each.
CARICATURE HISTORY OF THE GEORGES. With 400 Caricatures, Squibs, &c.
HISTORY OF CARICATURE AND OF THE GROTESQUE IN ART, LITERA-
TURE, SCULPTURE, AND PAINTING. Illustrated by F. W. FAIRHOLT. F.S.A.
WYNMAN. MY FLIRTATIONS. By MARGARET WYNMAN. With 13
Illustrations by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE. Crown Svo. cloth extra, '.$. Od.
VATES (EDMUND), NOVELS BY. Post 8vo, illustrated boards, 2s. each.
LAND AT LAST. | THE FORLORN HOPE. | CASTAWAY.
70LA (EMILE), NOVELS BY. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. each."
THE DOWNFALL. Translated by E. A. VIZETELLY. Fourth Edition, Revised.
THE DREAM. Translated by ELIZA CHASE. With 8 Illustrations by JEANNIOT.
DOCTOR PASCAL. Translated by E. A. VIZETELLY. With Portrait of the Author.
MONEY. Translated by ERNEST A. VIZETELLY.
EMILE ZOLA: A Biography. By R. H. SHERARD. With Portraits, Illustrations,
and Facsimile Letter. Demy 8vo, cloth extra, 13s.
26
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
LISTS OF BOOKS CLASSIFIED IN SERIES.
* ' For fuller cataloguing, see alphabetical arrangement, pp. i-as.
*
LIBRARY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. 6d. per Volume.
THE
A Journey Rou
nd
Eoom -
XAVIER
B ? w - D - ADAMS -
The onv Co umn of " The Times."
MelaSlv AH atomised: Abridgment of
' Burton! An atom y ot Melancholy."
Poetical lngen uities ' B y W - T - DOBSON.
f he cuibSSd Papers. By FIN-BEC.
WS AlbtrtV Pla y 8 ' FlRST SERIES -
W q 61 bert'? Pla y s ' SECOND SERIES.
of Iris Wit and
'
Homs's
Talila
Pencil and
Little
riticism. H. J. JENNINGS.
of the Breakfast-
lette - B ? R - KEMPT -
: trom LAME'S Letters.
Forensic Anecdotes. By JACOB LARWOOD.
Theatrical Anecdotes. JACOB LARWOOD.
Jeuxd'Esprit. Edited by HENRYS. LEIGH.
Witch Stories. By E. LYNN LINTON.
Ourselves. By E. LYNN LINTON.
Pastimes & Players. By R. MACGREGOR.
New Paul and Virginia. W.H.MALLOCK.
New Republic. By W. H. MALLOCK.
Puck on Pegasus. By H. C. PENNELL.
Pegasus Re-Saddled. By H.C. PENNELL.
Muses of Mayfair. Ed. H. C. PENNELL.
Thoreau: His Life & Aims. By H. A. PAGE.
Puniana. By Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
More Puniana. By Hon. HUGH ROWLEY.
The Philosophy of Handwriting.
By Stream and Sea. By WM. SENIOR.
Leaves from a Naturalist's Note-Book.
By Dr. ANDREW WILSON.
LIBRARY. Post 8vo, cloth limp, 2s. per Volume.
Bayard Taylor' 8 Diversions O f the Echo
Bennett's ^^ftot^Slon England>
Godwin's 8 Llw* * the Necromancers.
Pope'i
Holmes'
of Breakfast Table.
Jesse's Scenes of Country Life.
Leigh Hunt's Tale for a Chimney
Corner.
Mallory's Mort d'Arthur: Selections.
Pascal's Provincial Letters.
Rochefoucauld's Maxims & Reflections.
THE WA^ DERER ' S LIBRARY
Wanderings P" 1 ^ By JULIUS
Lift
'
FREDERICK BOYLE.
' FREDERICK BOYLE.
En rfi an d in the Olden Time. By
G DANIFL frustrated by CRUIKSHANK.
Cirrus Life' pY THOMAS FROST.
Lives of the c5 n J urei ' s - THOMAS FROST.
The Old Showi 311 an J* the Old London
Fairs Bv Ti iOMAS FROST.
Low-Life T/ftftpS' y J AMES GREENWOOD.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. <il. each.
Wilds of London. JAMES GREENWOOD.
Tunis. Chev. HESSE-WARTEGG. 22lllnsts.
Life and Adventures of a Cheap Jack.
World Behind the Scenes. P.FITZGERALD.
Tavern Anecdotes and Sayings.
The Genial Showman. By E.P. KINGSTON
Story of London Parks. JACOB LARWOOD.
London Characters. By HENRY MAYHKW.
Seven Generations of Executioners.
Summer Cruising in the South Seas.
By C. WARREN STODDARD. Illustrated
POPULAR SHILLING BOOKS.
Flnrlvpr at Cambridge
Jeff Brs's L ve Stor y- BRET HARTE '
Twins of Table Mountain. BRET HARTE.
Snow bound at Ea ^ le ' s ' B > BRET HARTE '
I n W w 'B Tm,r By PERCY FITZGERALD.
Esthers Glove By R.E. FRANCILLON.
IfntfnrJ? lW SOMERVILLE GlBNEY.
Sentenced! 15 5. Wifp Bv T GRAHAM
The Professcr'^,^^' nilwnnS. p
Mrs. GainsborP^s Diamonds, By
- By j. HOLLINGSHEAD.
Queen's Hounds. By
is.
Garden that Pff id Rent - ToM
oStbv the Mo fi y ARTHUR KEYSER.
TeVesa Itasca
A - MAC ALPINE.
Doom! Bv Ius J
SSfl By J US TL IN H - MCCARTHY.
Lily Lass. JUSTIN H. MCCARTHY.
Was She Good or Bad? By W. MINTO.
Notes from the "News." ByjAs. PAVN.
Beyond the Gates. By E. S. PHELPS.
Old Maid's Paradise. By E. S. PHELPS.
Burglars in Paradise. By E. S. PHELPS.
Jack the Fisherman. By E. S. PHELPS.
Trooping with Crows. By C. L. PIRKIS.
Bible Characters. By CHARLES READE.
Rogues. By R. H. SHERARD.
The Dagonet Reciter. By G. R. SIMS.
How the Poor Live. By G. R. SIMS.
Case of George Candlemas. G. R. SIMS
Sandycroft Mystery. T. VV. SPEIGHT.
Hoodwinked. By T. W. SPEIGHT.
Father Damien. By R. L. STEVENSON,
A Double Bond. By LINDA VILLARI.
My Life with Stanley's Rear Guard. By
HERBERT WARD.
NOVELS. fr'cap. 8vo, cloth boards, Is. (id. each.
The Old Maid's Sweetheart. A.Sx;AuBYN
Modest Little Sara> ALAN ST. AUBYN.
Taken from the Enemy. H. NEWBOLT.
A Lost Soul. By W. L. ALDEN.
Seven Sleeper s' Epnesui> ' M.E.COLERIDGE. | Dr. Palliser's Patient. GRANT ALLEN
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY. 27
MY LIBRARY. Printed on laid paper, post 8vo, hali-Roxburgbe, 2*. <><!. each.
Pour Frenchwomen. By AUSTIN DOBSON.
Citation and Examination of William
Shakspeare. By W. S. LANDOR.
The Journal of Maurice de Guerin.
Christie Johnstone. By CHARLES READE.
With a Photogravure Frontispiece.
Peg Wellington. By CHARLES READE.
The Dramatic Essays of Charles Lamb.
THE POCKET LIBRARY. Post 8vo, printed on laid paper and hf.-bd., g H . each.
The Essays of Elia. By CHARLES LAMB.
Robinson Crusoe. Illust. G. CRUIKSHANK.
Whims and Oddities. By THOMAS HOOD.
With 85 Illustrations.
The Barber's Chair, &c. By D. JERROLD.
Gastronomy. By BRILLAT-SAVARIN.
The Epicurean, &c. By THOMAS MOORE.
Leigh Hunt's Essays. Ed. E. OLLIER.
White's Natural History of Selborne.
Gulliver's Travels, &c. By Dean SWIFT.
Plays. By RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN.
Anecdotes of the Clergy. J. LARWOOD.
Thomson's Seasons. Illustrated.
The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table
and The Professor at the Breakfast-
Table. By OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
THE PICCADILLY NOVELS.
LIBRARY EDITIONS OF NOVELS, many Illustrated, crown 8vo, cloth extra, 3s. 6<l. each.
By F. UI. ALLEN.
Green as Grass.
By GRANT ALLEN.
Philistia.
Babylon.
Strange Stories.
Beckoning Hand.
In all Shades.
The Tents of Shem.
For Mai mie's Sake.
The Devil's Die.
This Mortal Coil.
The Great Taboo.
Dumaresq's Daughter. | Blood Royal.
The Duchess of Powysland.
Ivan Greet's Masterpiece. I Scallywag.
By EDWIN L. ARNOLD.
Phra the Phoenician.
The Constable of St. Nicholas.
By ALAN ST. AUBYN.
A Fellow of Trinity. I The Junior Dean.
The Master of St. Benedict's.
To his Own Master.
By Rev. S. BAKING GOULD
Red Spider. I Eve.
By ROBERT BARR.
In Steamer Chair | From Whose Bourne
By FRANK. BAISRETT.
The Woman of the Iron Bracelets.
"BELLE," Yashti and Esther.
By W. BESANT & J. RICE.
By Celia's Arbour.
Monks of Thelema,
The Seamy Side.
Ten Years' Tenant.
My Little Girl.
Case of Mr.Lucraft.
This Son of Vulcan.
Golden Butterfly.
Ready-Money Mortiboy.
With Harp and Crown.
'Twas in Trafalgar's Bay.
The Chaplain of the Fleet.
By WALTER BESANT.
All Sorts and Conditions of Men.
The Captains' Room.
All In a Garden Fair
Herr Paul us.
The Ivory Gate.
The World Went Very Well Then.
For Faith and Freedom. | Rebel Queen.
Dorothy Forster.
Uncle Jack.
Children of Gibeon.
Bell of St. Paul's.
To Call Her Mine.
Verbena Camellia Stephanotis.
By ROBERT BUCHANAN.
The Shadow of the Sword. I Matt.
A Child of Nature. I Heir of Linne.
The Martyrdom of Madeline.
The Holy Rose.
Armorel of Lyon-
esse.
St. Katharine's by
the Tower.
God and the Man.
Love Me for Ever.
Annan Water.
Woman and the Man.
The New Abelard.
Foxglove Manor.
Master of the Mine.
By HALL CAINE.
The Shadow of a Crime.
A Son of Hagar. I The Deemster.
By 1UACLAREN COBBAN.
The Red Sultan.
UIORT. & FRANCES COLLINS.
Transmigration. | Blacksmith&Scholar.
From Midnight to Midnight.
Village Comedy. | You Play Me False.
By WII.Ii.lE COLLINS.
The Frozen Deep.
The Two Destinies.
Law and the Lady.
Haunted Hotel.
The Fallen Leaves.
Jezebel's Daughter.
The Black Robe.
Heart and Science.
"I Say No."
Little Novels.
The Evil Genius.
The Legacy of Cain
A Rogue's Life.
Blind Love.
Armadale.
After Dark.
No Name.
Antonina. | Basil.
Hide and Seek.
The Dead Secret.
Queen of Hearts.
My Miscellanies.
Woman in White.
The Moonstone.
Man and Wife.
Poor Miss Finch.
Miss or Mrs?
New Magdalen.
By DUTTON COOK.
Paul Foster's Daughter.
E. El. COOi'Eifc Geoff. Hamilton.
By V. CECIL COTES.
Two Girls on a Barge.
By MATT CRI1TI.
Adventures of a Fair Rebel.
By B. ITI. CROKER.
Diana Barrington. PrettyMiss Neville.
Proper Pride. A Bird of Passage.
A FarailyLikeness. "To Let."
By W1LL.IAUI CITI'LES.
Hearts of Gold.
By ALPHONSE DA UDET.
The Evangelist; or, Port Salvation.
By H. COLEMAN DAVIDSON.
Mr. Sadler's Daughters.
By ERASMUS DAWSON.
The Fountain of Youth.
By JAIT1ES DE MILLE.
A Castle in Spain.
By J. I,C B III DERWENT.
Our Lady of Tears. | Circe's Lovers.
By DICK. DONOVAN.
Tracked to Doom.
Man from Manchester.
By A. CONAN DOYLE.
The Firm of Girdlestone.
By Mrs. ANNIE EDWARDES
Archie Lovell.
28
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued.
BY a. ITIAN VILLE FKNN.
The New Mistress. I Witness to the Deed.
The Tiger Lily.
By PERCY FITZGERALD.
Fatal Zero.
By K. K. FRANCILLON.
Queen Cophetua.
One by One.
Dog & his Shadow.
A Real Queen.
King or Knave.
Ropes of Sand.
Pref.bySirBARTLE FRERE.
Pandurang Hari.
EI>. GABRETT, The Capel Girls.
PAUL GAULO 1'. The Red Shirts.
By CHARLES GIBBON.
Robin Gray. I The Golden Shaft.
Loving ?', Dream. I Of High Degree*
The Flo iifer of the Forest.
By E. 4*LA>\ ILLE,
The Lost Heiress. I The Fosslcker.
A Fair Colonist.
By E. J. GOODMAN.
The Fate of Herbert Wayne.
By MOM I, GRIFFITH.
Corinthla Marazion.
By SYDNEY GRUNDY.
The Days of his Vanity.
By THOU A* HARDY
Under the Greenwood Tree.
By BRET HARTE.
A Waif of the Plains. | Sally Dows.
A Ward of the Golden Gate.
A Sappho of Green Springs.
Colonel Starbottle's Client. | Susy.
A Prot6gee of Jack Hamlln's.
By J ULIAN HAWTHORNE.
Garth.
Ellice Quentln.
Sebastian Strome.
Dust.
Fortune's Fool.
Beatrix Randolph.
David Poindexter's Disappearance.
The Spectre of the Camera.
By Sir A. HELPS. Ivan de Blron.
I, HENDERSON. Agatha Page.
By Mrs. HUNGERFORD.
Lady Yerner's Flight.
By Mrs. ALFRED HUNT.
The Leaden Casket. Self-Condemned.
That Other Person. Mrs. Juliet.
By R. ASHE IvlNG.
A Drawn Game.
"The Wearing of the Green."
By E. LYNN LINTON.
Patricia Kemball.
Under which Lord?
"My Love!"
lone.
Paston Carew.
Sowing the Wind 1
The Atonement of Learn Dundas.
The World Well Lost.
By H. W. LUCY. Gideon Fleyce.
By JUSTIN MCCARTHY.
A Fair Saxon.
Linley Rochford.
Miss Misanthrope.
Donna Quixote.
Maid of Athens.
Camiola.
The Waterdale Neighbours.
My Enemy's Daughter. I Red Diamonds
Dear Lady Disdain. | The Dictator.
The Comet of a Season.
By GEORGE MACDONALD.
Heather and Snow.
By AGNES MACDONELL.
Quaker Cousins.
By BERTRAM MITFORD.
The Gun-Runner. | The King's Assegai.
The Luck of Gerard Ridgeley.
THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued.
By JD. CHRISTIE MURRAY.
Life's Atonement.
Joseph'! Coat.
Coals of Fire.
Old Blazer's Hero.
By the Gate of the
Yal Strange.
Hearts.
A Model Father.
Time's Revenges.
ea.
A'Bit of Human Nature.
First Person Singular. I Cynic Fortune.
The Way of the World. I A Wasted
Bob Martin's Little Girl. Crime.
By MURRAY & HERMAN.
The Bishops' Bible. | Paul Jones's Alias.
One Traveller Returns.
By HUME NISBET "Bail Up I"
By G. OHNET. A Weird Gift.
By OUIDA.
Held in Bondage.
Strathmore.
Chandos.
Under Two Flags.
Idalia.
CecilCastlemaine's
Gage.
Tricotrln. | Puck.
Folle Farine.
A Dog of Flanders.
Pascarel. I Signa.
Princess Haprax-
ine.
By MARGARET A. PAUL.
Gentle and Simple.
By JAMES PAYN.
Lost Sir Masslngberd.
Less Black than We're Painted.
A Confidential Agent.
A Grape from a Thorn.
In Peril and Privation.
The Mystery of Mirbridgs
The Canon's Ward.
Walter's Word.
Two Little Wooden
Shoes.
In a Winter City.
Ariadne.
Friendship.
Moths. I Rufflno.
Pipistrello.
A Village Commune
Bimbi. | Wanda.
Frescoes. | Ot lunar.
In Haremma.
Syrlin.l Guilderoy.
Santa Barbara.
By Proxy.
Hlg
Holiday Tasks.
For Cash Only.
The Burnt Million.
The Word and the
Will.
Sunny Stories.
A Try ing Patient.
PRAEIl.
Igh Spirits.
Under One Roof.
From Exile.
Glow-worm Tales.
Talk of the Town.
By Mrs. CAMPBELL
Outlaw and Lawmaker.
By E. C. PRICE.
Yalentina. I The Foreigners.
Mrs. Lancaster's Rival.
By RICHARD PRYCE.
Miss Maxwell's Affections.
By CHARLES READE.
It is Never Too Late to Mend.
The Double Marriage.
Love Me Little, Love Me Long.
The Cloister and the Hearth.
The Course of True Love.
The Autobiography of a Thief.
Put Yourself in his Place.
A Terrible Temptation. | The Jilt.
Singleheart and Doublelace.
Good Stories of Men and other Animals.
Hard Cash.
Peg Woffington.
Christie Johnstone.
Griffith Gaunt.
Fool Play.
Wandering Heir.
A Woman-Hater.
A Simpleton.
Readiana.
A Perilous Secret,
By Mn. J. II. RIDDEL L
The Prince of Wales's Garden Parly,
Weird Stories.
CHATTO Se. WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY.
THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued.
Hy AMELIE RIVES.
Barbara Dering.
By F. W. ROBINSON.
The Hands of Justice.
By W. CLARK RUSSELL.
Ocean Tragedy. | My Shipmate Louise.
Alone on a Wide Wide Sea.
By JOHN SAUNDERS.
Guy Waterman. Two Dreamers.
Bound to Wheel. | Lion in the Path.
By KATHARINE SAUNDERS.
Margaret and Elizabeth.
Gideon's Rock. I Heart Salvage.
The High Mills. | Sebastian.
By HAWLEY SMART.
Without Love or Licence.
By R. A. STERNDALE.
The Afghan Knife.
By BERTHA THOMAS.
Proud Maisie. I The Violin-player.
By FRANCES E. TROLLOI'E.
Like Ships upon the Sea.
Anne Furness. | Mabel's Progress.
2Q
THE PICCADILLY (3/6) NOVELS continued.
By I VAN TURGENIEFF, &c.
Stories from Foreign Novelists.
By ANTHONY TROLLOPE.
Frau Frohmann. I Land-Leaguers.
Marlon Fay. | The Way We Live Now.
Mr. Scarborough's Family.
By C. C. FRASER-TYTJLER.
Mistress Judith.
By SARAH TYTLER.
The Bride's Pass. I Lady Bell.
Burled Diamonds. | Blackball Ghosts.
By HI ARK TWAIN.
The American Claimant.
The 1,000,000 Bank-note.
Tom Sawyer Abroad.
Pudd'nhead Wilson.
By ALLEN UP WARM.
T4ie Queen against Owen.
By J. S. WINTER.
A Soldier's Children.
By MARGARET WYNMAN.
My Flirtations.
By E. ZOLA.
The Downfall.
The Dream.
Dr. Pascal.
Money.
CHEAP EDITIONS OF POPULAR NOVELS.
boards, 2s. each.
By WAJLTER BESANT.
Post 8vo, illustrated
By ARTEMUS WAKU.
Artemus Ward Complete.
By EDITION!* ABOUT.
The Fellah.
By HAMILTON AIDE.
Carr of Carrlyon. | Confidences.
By MARY ALBERT.
Brooke Flnchley's Daughter.
By Mrs. ALEXANDER.
Maid, Wife, or Widow? | Valerie' Fate.
By OR ANT ALLEN
The Devil's Die.
This Mortal Coil.
In all Shades.
Strange Stories.
Philistia.
Babylon.
The Beckoning Hand. | Blood Royal.
For Maimie's Sake. | Tents of Shem.
Great Taboo. | Dumaresq's Daughter.
The Duchess of Powysland.
By E. LESTER ARNOLD.
Phra the Phoenician,
By ALAN ST. AUBYN.
A Fellow of Trinity. | The Junior Dean,
The Master of St. Benedict's.
By Rev. S. BARBIVG GOULD.
Red Spider. | Eve.
By FRANK BARRETT.
Fettered for Life. | Little Lady Linton.
Between Life and Death.
The Sin of Olga Zassoulich.
Folly Morrison
Lieut. Barnabas.
Hontjt Davle.
A Prodigal's Progress.
Found Guilty. I A Recoiling Vengeance.
For Love and Honour.
John Ford; and His Helpmate.
By W. BESANT & J. RICE.
This Son of Vulcan.
Hy Little Girl.
Case of Mr.Luoraft.
Golden Butterfly.
Ready-Money Mortlboy
With Harp and Crown.
'Twas In Trafalgar's Bay.
The Chaplain of the Fleet.
By Celia's Arbour.
Monks of Thelema.
The Seamy Side.
Ten Years' Tenant.
Dorothy Forster. Uncle Jack.
Children of Gibeon. Herr Paulus.
All Sorts and Conditions of Men.
The Captains' Room.
All in a Garden Fair.
The World Went Very Well Then.
For Faith and Freedom.
To Call Her Mine.
The Holy Rose.
The Ivory Gate.
The Bell of St. Paul's.
Armorel of Lyonesse.
St. Katherine's by the Tower.
Verbena Camellia Stephanotis.
BySHELSLEY BEAUCHAMI'.
Grantley Grange.
By AMBROSE BIERCE.
In the Midst of Life.
By FREDERICK BOYLE.
Camp Notes. | Savage Life.
Chronicles of No-man's Land.
By BRET HARTft.
Californian Stories. | Gabriel Conroy,
An Heiress of Red Dog.
The Luck of Roaring Camp.
A Phyllis of the Sierras.
By HAROLD BRYDGES.
Uncle Sam at Home.
By RO3>S<:EtT BUCHANAN.
The Shadow of the The Martyrdom of
Sword.
A Child of Nature.
Goji and the Man.
Love Me for Ever.
Foxglove Manor.
The Master of the Mine.
By HAL I, CAINE.
The Shadow of a Crime.
A Son of Hagar. | The Deemster.
By Commander CAMERON.
The Cruise of the "Black Prince."
By Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON.
Deceivers Ever. | Juliet's Guardian.
Flip.
Maruja.
Madeline.
Annan Water.
The New Abelard.
Matt.
The Heir of Linne,
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY
TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued.
By AUSTIN CI.ARE.
For the Love of a Lass.
By Sim. ARCHER CLIVE.
Paul Ferroll.
Why Paul Ferroll Killed his Wife.
By MACLAREN COBBAN.
The Cure of Souls.
By C. ALLSTON COLLINS.
The Bar Sinister.
MORT. & FRANCES COLLINS.
Sweet Anne Page. | Transmigration.
From Midnight to Midnight.
Fight with Fortune. | Village Comedy.
Sweet and Twenty. | You Play me False.
Blacksmith and Scholar. | Frances.
By WILK1E COLLINS.
My Miscellanies.
Woman in White.
The Moonstone.
Man and Wife.
Poor Miss Finch.
The Fallen Leaves.
Jezebel's Daughter
The Slack Robe.
Heart and Science.
"I Say No."
The Evil Genius.
Little Novels.
Legacy of Cain.
Blind Love.
Armadale.
After Dark.
No Name.
Antonina. | Basil.
Hide and Seek.
The Dead Secret.
Queen of Hearts.
Miss or Mrs?
New Magdalen.
The Frozen Deep.
Law and the Lady.
The Two Destinies.
Haunted Hotel.
A Rogue's Life.
By M. J. COLQUHOUN.
Every Inch a Soldier.
By BUTTON COOK.
Leo. I Paul Foster's Daughter.
By C. EGBERT CRAB-DOCK.
Prophet of the Great Smoky Mountains.
By MATT CRI1U.
Adventures of a Fair Rebel.
By B. M. CROKER.
Pretty Miss Neville. I Bird of Passage.
Diana Harrington. I Proper Pride.
"To Let." I A Family Likeness.
Br W. CYPLES Hearts of Gold.
By ALPHONSE DAUDET.
The Evangelist; or, Port Salvation.
By ERASMUS DAWSOtV.
The Fountain of Youth.
By JAMES DE MILLE.
A Castle in Spain.
By .1. LEITH DERWENT.
Our Lady of Tears. | Circe's Lovers.
By CHARLES DICKENS.
Sketches by Boz. I Oliver Twist.
Pickwick Papers. | Nicholas Nickleby.
By DICK DONOVAN.
The Man-Hunter. | Caught at Last!
Tracked and Taken. | Wanted J
Who Poisoned Hetty Duncan?
The Man from Manchester.
A Detective's Triumphs.
In the Grip of the Law.
From Information Received.
Tracked to Doom. | Link by Link.
Suspicion Aroused.
II y Mrs. ANNIE EDWARDES.
A Point of Honour. | Archie Lovell.
By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS.
Felicia. I Kitty.
By EDW. EGGLESTON. Roxy,
By G. MANVILLE FENN.
The New Mistress.
TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued.
By PERCY F1TZG EltALI).
Bella Donna. I Polly.
Never Forgotten. I Fatal Zero.
The Second Mrs. Tillotson,
Seventy-five Brooke Street.
The Lady of Brantome.
By P. FITZGERALD and others,
Strange Secrets.
ALBANY DE FONBLANQUE.
Filthy Lucre.
By R. E. FRANCILLON.
Olympia.
One by One.
A Real Queen.
Queen Cophetua.
King or Knave?
Romances of Law.
By HAROLD FREDERICK.
Seth's Brother's Wife. | Lawton Girl.
Pref. by Sir BARTLE FRERE.
Pandurang Hari.
IIAIN FRISWELL. Oneof Two.
By EDWARD GARRETT.
The Capel Girls.
By GILBERT GAUL.
A Strange Manuscript.
By CHARLES GIBBON
Robin Gray.
Fancy Free.
For Lack of Gold.
What will the
World Say?
In Love and War.
For the King.
In Pastures Green.
Queen of Meadow.
A Heart's Problem.
In Honour Bound.
Flower of Forest.
Braes of Yarrow.
The Golden Shaft.
Of High Degree.
Mead and Stream.
Loving a Dream.
A Hard Knot.
Heart's Delight.
Blood-Money.
The Dead Heart.
By WILLIAM GILBERT.
Dr. Austin's Guests. I James Duke.
The Wizard of the Mountain.
By ERNEST GLANVILLE.
The Lost Heiress. | The Fossicker.
By HENRY GREVILLE.
A Noble Woman. | Nikanor.
By CECIL GRIFFITH.
Corinthia Marazion.
By JOHN HABBERTON.
Brueton's Bayou. | Country Luck.
By ANDREW 1IALLIDAY.
Every-Day Papers.
By Lady DUFF US HARDY.
Paul Wynter s Sacrifice.
By THOMAS HARDY.
Under the Greenwood Tree.
By J. BERWICK HARWOOD.
The Tenth Earl.
By JULIAN HAWTHORNE.
Sebastian Strome.
Dust.
Beatrix Randolph,
Love or a Name.
Garth.
Ellice Qnentin.
Fortune's Fool.
Miss Cadogna.
David Poindexter's Disappearance.
The Spectre of the Camera.
By Sir ARTHUR HELPS.
Ivan de Biron.
By HENRY HERMAN.
A Leading Lady.
By HEADON HILL.
Zambra the Detective.
By JOHN K?ILL. Treason-Felony.
By Mrs. CASHEL HOEY.
The Lover's Creed,
CHATTO & WINDUS, 214, PICCADILLY.
TWO-SHILLING NOVELS continued.
Ry Mr*. CJEORCJE HOOPER.
Th6
Twixt Love and Duty.
By Mrs. HUN* ERFORO.
A Maiden all Forlorn.
In Durance Vile.
Marvel.
Bv Mrs. ALFRKI>
A Mental Struggle.
A Modern Circe.
Self-Condemned.
Leaden Casket.
Thornicroft's Model.
That Other Person. _
By JEAN INCJELOW.
Fated to be Free.
WM. JAMESON. My Dead Self.
By HARRIETT JAY.
Dark Colleen. I Queen of Connaught.
Bv MARK KERSHAW.
Colonial Facts and Fictions.
By R. A* I IK KING.
A Drawn Game. I Passion's Slave.
"The Wearing of the Green."
Bell Barry.
By .10 BIN LEYS. The Lindsays.
Ry E. LYNN LINTON.
Paston Carew.
"My Love!"
lone.
Patricia Ke nib all.
World Well Lost.
Under which Lord?
The Atonement of Learn Dundas.
With a Silken Thread.
The Rebel of the Family.
Sowing the Wind.
By HENRY W. LUCY.
Gideon Fleyce.
By JUSTIN MCCARTHY.
Donna Quixote.
Maid of Athens.
Camiola.
A Fair Saxon.
Linley Rochford.
Miss Misanthrope.
Dear Lady Disdain.
The Waterdale Neighbours.
My Enemy's Daughter.
The Comet of a Season.
By III ill MACCOLIj.
Mr. Stranger's Sealed Packet.
By ANES MACWONELL.
Quaker Cousins.
CATHARINE 8. 9IACQUOII>.
The Evil Eye. | Lost Rose.
By W. H. MALLOCJK.
The New Republic.
A Romance of the Nineteenth Century.
By FLORENCE MARRYAT.
Open! Sesame! | Fighting the Air.
A Harvest of Wild Oats.
Written In Fire.
By J. MASTER MAN.
Haifa-dozen Daughters.
By BRANOER MATTHEWS.
A Secret of the Sea.
Jt> l,i<orv%ssl MERKICK.
The Man who was Good.
By JEAN MIWDLEMASS.
Touch and Go. I Mr. Dorillion.
By tlr*. MOLESWORTH.
Hathercourt Rectory.
By .1. E. tH IHMM 54.
Stories Weird and Wonderful.
The Dead Man's Secret.
From the Bosom of the Deep.
By MURRAY anil HERMAN.
One Traveller Returns.
Paul Jones's Alias. | The Bishops' Bible.
TWO-SHILLING NOVELS cum unit it.
By I>. CHRSST1E MURRAY.
A Model Father. Old Blazer's Hero.
Hearts.
Way of the World.
Cynic Fortune.
Joseph's Coat
Coals of Fire.
Yal Strange.
A Life's Atonement.
By the Gate of the Sea.
A Bit of Human Nature.
First Person Singular.
Bob Martin's Little Girl.
By HENRY MURRAY.
A Game of Bluff. | A Song of Sixpence.
By HUME NISBET.
" Bail Up ! " | Dr. Bernard St. Vincent.
By ALICE O'HANLON.
The Unforeseen. | Chance? or Fate?
By GEORGES OHNET.
Dr. Rameau. | Last Love. | Weird Gift.
By Mrs. OLIPHANT.
Whiteladies. | The Primrose Path.
The Greatest Heiress in England.
ISy Mrs. ROBERT O'REILLY.
Phoebs's Fortunes.
By OSJIOA.
Held In Bondage.
Strathmore.
Chandos. | Idalia.
Under Two Flags.
CecilCastlemaine's
Gage.
Tricotrin. | Puck.
Folle Farine.
A Dog of Flanders
Pascarel.
Slgna. [Ine.
Princess Naprax-
In a Winter City.
Ariadne.
MARGARET
Two Little Wooden
Shoes.
Friendship.
Moths. ! Bimbi.
Pipistrello. [mune.
A Village Corn-
Wanda. | Othmar.
Frescoes.
In Maremma.
Guilderoy.
Rutfino. | Syrlin.
Santa Barbara.
Ouida's Wisdom,
Wit, and Pathos.
AGNES PAUL.
Gentle and Simple.
By JA.tlES PAYN.
Bentinck's Tutor.
Murphy's Master.
A County Family.
At Her Mercy.
Cecil's Tryst.
Clyffards of Clyffe.
Foster Brothers.
Found Dead.
Best of Husbands.
Walter's Word.
Halves.
Fallen Fortunes.
Humorous Stories.
200 Reward.
Marine Residence.
Mirk Abbey.
Lost Sir Massingberd.
A Woman's Vengeance.
The Family Scapegrace.
Gwendoline's Harvest.
Like Father, Like Son.
Married Beneath Him.
Not Wooed, but Won.
Less Black than We're Painted
Some Private Views.
A Grape from a Thorn.
The Mystery of Mirbridge.
The Word and the Will.
h Prince of the Blood.
By Proxy.)
Under One Roof.
High Spirits.
Carlyon's Year.
From Exile.
For Cash Only.
Kit.
The Canon's Ward
Talk of the Town.
Holiday Tasks.
A Perfect Treasure.
What He Cost Her.
Confidential Agent.
Glow-worm Tales.
The Burnt Million.
Sunny Stories.
BOOKS PUBLISHED BY CHATTO & WINDUS.
'j.
^ to/;;
-- - .
By C. L. PIRKB*.
Lady Lovelace.
By EDGAI? A. POE.
The Mystery of Marie Roget.
By Mrs. CAMP 35 8^1,6. PRAED.
The Romance of a Station.
The Soul of Countess Adrian.
By E. . PRIJE.
Yalentina. I The Foreigners.
Mrs. Lancaster's Rival. | Gerald.
By f&ICIIAKU PRYCE.
Hiss Maxwell's Affections.
By CHARLES REAE.
It is Never Too Late to Mend.
Christie Johnstone. | Double Marriage.
Put Yourself in His Place.
Love Me Little, Love Me Long.
The Cloister and the Hearth.
The Course of True Love. | The Jilt.
Autobiography of a Thief.
A Terrible Temptation. | Foul Play.
The Wandering Heir. | Hard Cash.
Singleheart and Doubleface.
Good Stories of Men and other Animals.
Peg Woffington. A Simpleton.
Griffith Gaunt. Readiana.
A Perilous Secret. A Woman-Hater.
By Mrs. J. II. RIDDEL L.
Weird Stories. | Fairy Water.
Her Mother's Darling.
Prince of Wales's Garden Party.
The Uninhabited House.
The Mystery in Palace Gardens.
The Nun's Curse. | Idle Tales.
By AMELIE RIVES.
Barbara Dering.
By F. W. ROBINSON.
Women are Strange.
The Hands of Justice.
By JAMES* RUWCIML&.N.
Skippers and Shellbacks.
Grace Balmaign's Sweetheart.
Schools and Scholars.
By W. CLARK RUSSELL.
Round the Galley Fire.
On the Fo'k'sle Head.
In the Middle Watch.
A Voyage to the Cape.
A Book for the Hammock.
The Mystery of the "Ocean Star."
The Romance of Jenny Harlowe.
An Ocean Tragedy.
My Shipmate Louise.
Alone on a Wide Wide Sea.
GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.
Gaslight and Daylight.
By JOHN LAUNDERS.
Guy Waterman. | Two Dreamers.
The Lion in the Path.
15 v KATHARINE SAUNI>ERS.
Heart Salvage.
Sebastian.
Joan Merryweather.
The High Mills.
Margaret and Elizabeth.
By GEORGE K. SIMS.
Rogues and Vagabonds.
The Ring o' Bells.
Mary Jane's Memoirs.
Mary Jane Married.
Tales of To-day. | Dramas of Life.
Tinkletop's Crime.
Zeph. | My Two Wives.
Two- o HILLING NovtLS continued.
By ARTHUR SKETCHLEV.
A Match in the Dark.
By HAWLEY SMART.
Without Love or Licence.
By T. W. SPEIGHT.;
The Mysteries of Heron Dyke.
The Golden Hoop.
Hoodwinked, &c.
By Devious Ways.
Back to Life.
The Loudwater Tragedy.
Burgo's Romance.
By R. A. STERN DA I.E.
The Afghan Knife.
By R. LOUIS STEVENSON.
New Arabian Nights, j Prince Otto.
BY BERTHA THOMAS.
Cressida. | Proud Maisie. | Violin-player.
By WALTER THORNBURY.
Tales for Marines. Old Stories Re-told.
T. ADOLPHUS TROLLOPE.
Diamond Cat Diamond.
By F. ELEANOR TROLLOPE.
Like Ships upon the Sea.
Anne Furness. I Mabel's Progress.
By ANTHONY TROLLOPE.
Fran Frohmann. I Kept in the Dark.
Marion Fay. I John Caldigate.
Way We Live Now. | Land-Leaguers.
The American Senator.
Mr. Scarborough's Family.
The Golden Lion of Granpere.
By JT. T. TROWRRIDGE.
Farnell's Folly.
By IVAN TURGENIEFF, Arc.
Stories from Foreign Novelists.
By MARK TWAIN.
A Pleasure Trip on the Continent.
The Gilded Age. | Huckleberry Finn.
Mark Twain's Sketches.
Tom Sawyer. | A Tramp Abroad.
The Stolen White Elephant.
Life on the Mississippi.
The Prince and the Pauper.
A Yankee at the Court of King Arthur.
By C. C. FRASER-TYTLER.
Mistress Judith.
By SARAH TYTLER.
Noblesse Oblige.
Disappeared.
Huguenot Family.
Blackball Ghosts.
The Bride's Pass.
Buried Diamonds.
Saint Mungo'sCity.
Lady Bell.
What She Came Through.
Beauty and the Beast.
Citoyenne Jaqueline.
By AAROlM WATSON and
LILLIAS WASSERMANN.
The Marquis of Carabas.
By WILLIAM WESTALL.
Trust-Money.
Bv Mrs. F. II. WILLIAMSON.
A Child Widow.
By J. S. WINTER.
Cavalry Life. I Regimental Legends.
By H. F. WOOD.
The Passenger from Scotland Yard.
The Englishman of the Rue Cain.
By Lndy WOOD. Sabina.
CELIA PARKER WOOLLEY.
Rachel Armstrong; or, Love & Theology
By EDMUND YATES.
The Forlorn Hope. | Land at Last.
Castaway.
COOS*, BMALK
CO. LIUITKD, pmWTBmi, OKKAT BATTBOH KILL,