'AMBON
W.BUACKWOOD Af4o SOINlS
ED I N BU R,Gh SUOtf DO f4
Ex Libris
C. K. OGDEN '
IH
1
CHILDREN'S BOOK
COLLECTION
LIBRARY OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
M
I
I
*
OUR TRIP
BLUNDERLAND
OUR TRIP
B L U N D E R L A N D
CM
I
* GRAND EXCURSION
m T0
^ BLUNDERTOWN
I
sj AND
\
BACK
- f\
\
JEAN JAMBON
\VI TH SIXTT J L L US TR A TIO NS B I *
CHARLES DOYLE
THIRD THOUSAND
WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS
EDINBURGH AND LONDON
MDCCCLXXVII
THE NURSERY HAS ITS SHARE OF MY DAY, IN SUCH FASHION TllAT LITTLE
PEOPLE MAY NOT THINK JUG PEOPLE CREATED TO STOP FUN AND TO BE A
TUltOTTLE-VALVE 0.\' ANIMAL SPIRITS. BUT THERE ARE RO.MPS AND KOMP*.
SOME BEING BEYOND AN ADIPOSE SIX FOOT TWO. HENCE THIS STORY.
PERHAPS IT WILL PROVE ACCEPTABLE AT COOLING TIMES IN OTHER NUR-
SERIES, AS IT WAS IN OURS.
IT MAY HE THOUGHT THAT IN INTRODUCING A CERTAIN LITTLE
LADY A LICENCE HAS BEEN TAKEN. JjUT HOYAL PERSONAGES ARE
PUBLIC PROPERTY. IT ' ILL HE THAT CROWNED QUEEN ALICE DEIGN TO
ACCEPT THE TWO LITTLE PAGES DEVOTED TO HER AS PROOF THAT IT JS
HELD AN HONOUR TO FOLLOW IN THE TRAIN OF CARROLLUS PRIMUS !
FORBID IT THAT THIS ONE SHOULD LOSE rus HEAD, OR BE FACILK, EXCEPT
JN CONJUNCTION WITH PRLVCEl'S. LONG LIVE CARROLLUS l.E ]l r is! FOR
IF HE FAILED US, WHO COULD BE GOT IN LIEU IS A QUESTION. NEVER
WAS THERE ONE GREATER AT THE FEAT OF 1'UTTING THINGS 0.\ A CHILIfS
FOOTING, AND TO HAVE BUT HALF HIS UNDERSTANDING o/-' Jinw TO im IT
IS THE SOLE AMBITION 01' ONE
BLUNDERTOWN
AND
BACK
little boys (whose names you must not know
so, choosing something like them, they shall
2 IF WE COULD.
be called Norval, Jaques, and Ranulf) had been
reading all about Alice, and the strange, funny
things she saw and did when fast asleep.
" I wonder," said Jaques, " if I could ever get
to sleep like her, so as to walk through looking-
glasses, and that sort of thing, without breaking
them or coming up against the wall ! "
" Oh," said Ranulf, " wouldn't it be nice if we
could ! only the funniest thing is how she got
through the wall. I don't see how being asleep
would help her to do that."
Norval, the eldest, broke in " Oh, you big
stupid ! she didn't go through it; she only
thought she did."
" Well, then," said Jaques, " I want to think it
too. Last night when I was in bed I tried to go
to sleep, and to get through the wall ; but when
I fell asleep I forgot all about it, and dreamed
that I was sick, and that the doctor gave me a
big glass of something horrid."
" Ah, but," said Norval, " that was because
you tried. Alice didn't try, you know. She
HOW TO DO IT. 3
knew nothing about being asleep till she woke
up."
" Well, I didn't know I was asleep till I woke
up, either," answered Jaques.
Ranulf looked very wise, although he was the
smallest, and said, " Perhaps if Alice was here,
she would tell us how to do it."
" Of course I would," said a sweet voice behind
them ; and, turning round, who should they see
but little Alice herself, looking exactly as she
does on page 35, where she is getting her thimble
from the Dodo ?
" Oh, how awfully jolly ! " cried Norval ; " will
you help us ? " He was very much surprised,
not at seeing Alice, but at not being surprised.
" Indeed I will," said she, " although I don't
know, you know, whether boys can manage
it."
Ranulf was just going to say, saucily, " A great
deal better than girls, I should think," when Nor-
val, who was older, and knew better how to be-
have, checked him, and said
4 BY ORDER.
" But, Alice, dear, surely if it's done by going
to sleep, boys can do that as well as girls."
" Well, so they can," said she ; " but then, you
see, everybody who goes to sleep doesn't get to
Wonderland."
" Oh, but perhaps," said Jaques, " if you will go
to sleep too, you will come with us, and show us
the way."
" Ah ! I can't do that to-day," said Alice, look-
ing very grave ; " for, you see, when I came to
you I was just going to give Dollys their dinner
such a nice dinner ! cake and currants ; and it
would be cruel to leave them looking at it till I
came back."
Now Norval suddenly remembered that he
knew some boys whose uncle was a Director at
the Aquarium, and who, when he could not go
with them and pass them in himself, gave them a
written order ; so, turning to Alice, he said
" Oh, but if you would give us a pass, it might
help us." And sitting down at the writing-table,
he wrote in stiff letters, imitating the papers he
SHUT UP. 5
had seen, and laying the pass before her, said,
" Now, write ' Alice ' there ever so big, and put a
grand whirly stroke under it."
Alice obeyed, and the pass was ready.
" Now then," said she, " you had better go to
sleep."
Norval threw himself down on a sofa ; Jaques
and Ranulf coiled themselves up on the rug.
Norval could not resist the temptation to keep
one eye half open, that he might see what Alice
did. But she, noticing this, held up her little
forefinger, and said, " Come, come, that won't
6 PLAGUEY BOYS.
do." Thus rebuked, Norval shut his other
eye.
" Now, all go to sleep at once," said Alice.
" I'm nearly asleep already," said Jaques.
11 Oh ! " said Norval.
" No ! " said Ranulf.
" That's talking, not going to sleep," said Alice.
All was still for a little, then Jaques half un-
coiled himself and looked at Ranulf.
Ranulf uncoiled himself and looked at Norval.
Norval raised his head, and looked at Jaques.
On finding that they were all awake, the three
burst out laughing.
" That's laughing, not going to sleep," said
Alice.
Down they all flopped again, and then Alice,
to help them, said, " Hushaby baby, on the tree-
top ! "
" I'm not a baby," said Ranulf, much offended,
as he was nearly six.
" I'm not on a tree-top," said Jaques.
" You've waked me up," said Norval.
WE LL BE GOOD. 7
" That's chattering, not going to sleep," said
Alice.
" I'm sure I must be asleep now," said Norval.
" So am I," said Jaques.
" And me too," said Ranulf.
" That's talking nonsense, not going to sleep,"
said she. " I see it's no use ; Alice's way won't
do with wild rogues like you, and I really must go
back to Dollys."
" What are we to do ? " said Norval ; " we can't
fall asleep. Don't you think we could get to the
funny places you went to without going to sleep ?"
" Will you do what I tell you ? " asked Alice,
holding up her little forefinger in a dignified kind
of way.
Jaques had some misgivings about compromis-
ing his position as a small lord of the creation by
agreeing to do what a little girl told him ; but his
anxiety to see some wonders prevailed, and they
all said that they would obey.
"Shut your eyes, then, and don't open them
till I tell you, and perhaps something will happen."
8 AN EYE-OPENER.
Norval rolled down from the sofa to the side
of his brothers. Then all squeezed up their eyes
quite tight, and although they heard a curious
rumbling noise, did not open them.
" That's right," said Alice ; " you would have
spoiled everything if you had peeped. Boys who
don't do what they are told spoil everything, and
themselves besides. Now you may look ! "
They had squeezed their eyes so tight that it took
ever so long to get them unfastened. Jaques got
his open first, and saw that little Alice was .gone.
" Oh, Alice, where are you ? " he cried.
A distant voice replied, " Off to Dollys ! "
Just as he was going to say, " What a shame,
when I squeezed so hard ! " Norvaf and Ranulf
got their eyes open, and before Jaques could
speak, they gave a wild shout, " Hurrah ! hurrah !
hurrah ! " Jaques' head had been looking the
wrong way, but when he turned round he saw
what the others had seen
THREE BICYCLES,
OVER THE SLEEPERS.
_
only they were ra-
ther different from
other bicycles, as,
in place of the small
hind - wheels, there
were funny little fel-
lows, made up of a
head and three legs ;
and as they stood
on one foot, with the
other two in the air,
and their noses thrust
10 FUNNY BOBS.
through the end of the bar, they looked very
comical. Still more funny was it when the boys
went forward to look closer, and the little three-
legged men made them a bow, which they did by
touching their caps with one leg, bobbing forward
on another, and back again. The wheels and tred-
dles were made of gold, the seats were lined with
crimson velvet, and the little men had blue tights
and silver caps and shoes ; so everything looked
very smart. The boys could not understand how
the bicycles stood upright without anything to
hold the wheels, and began talking about them,
wondering whether they could move of them-
selves. They had scarcely spoken of this, when,
as if to show off their powers, the little men be-
gan to turn round on their three legs, and move
slowly about the room. They steered their way
among the furniture most cleverly, and at last as
each stopped beside one of the boys they all
touched their caps, and bobbed from one leg to
another, as before.
" Are we to get up ? " said Jaques, timidly.
OFF THEY GO. II
Bob went all the little men.
" Does that mean yes ? " said Norval.
Bob.
" But where are we going ? " said Ranulf.
" To Wonderland, of course," said Jaques.
" All right," said the other two, and they all
scrambled up on the bicycles.
The moment they were seated, the three little
men gave a shrill whistle, as a railway engine does
before it starts, and off they went at a tremendous
pace. The boys had barely time to think how
hard the drawing-room wall would be, when the
whole party went straight through it as if it had
been, like circus hoops, filled in with paper.
Norval went across the library and out at the
window, but papa did not seem to notice him ; he
only got up and closed the sash, as if he had felt
a draught. Jaques passed through the butler's
pantry, but the butler only scratched his ear, as if
something had tickled him. Ranulf shot at a
slant through the nursery, clutching a penny
trumpet off the table as he passed, but nurse
12 DISTANCE LENDS.
only gave a shiver, and said, " Deary me, I do feel
so queasy queer ! "
They were going so fast, that Norval, looking
round the moment they were outside the house,
saw papa's head, not bigger than a black pin's,
looking out of a window, that seemed smaller
than a halfpenny stamp ; and Jaques caught sight
of Oscar, the house dog, who looked like a comma
with its tail wagging. Besides, they kept mount-
ing up in the air as well as going on, so that the
fields looked no bigger than the squares of a
chess-board, and the trees between them, in their
autumn tints, like rows of brass nails on a green-
baize door. Before they could count fifty, the
world itself, when they looked back, was like one
of those funny worsted balls that show a num-
ber of different colours. The little men were
spinning so fast that their silver caps, blue hose,
and bright shoes ran into circles, till they looked
like silver wheels with a blue enamel ring on them.
" Isn't it funny that we aren't frightened ? "
said Jaques.
FAST IDEAS. 13
" I think we would be if we had time," said
Norval (who was the thinking one of the three),
" only we are going so fast that there's no time
to be frightened."
" Perhaps it's because we're asleep like Alice,
after all," said Ranulf, looking very wise.
" Oh no ; because you see when people are
asleep they are still, and we are going so fast that
it would be sure to wake us," replied Jaques.
" But we can be still and go fast all the same,
can't we ? " said Ranulf.
" Oh no, you silly ! " said Jaques.
"Oh yes," said Ranulf; "because we can go
still faster ; and if we can go still faster, why can't
we go still fast ? "
" Oh yes, to be sure," said Jaques ; " and be-
sides, of course, a man can be fast and still at the
same time, for if he is made fast with rope he
must be still."
" And we are going fast still," said Norval, as
the bicycles flew on ; " but I don't see yet how
we can be still and fast both."
14 A STEADY SWELL.
The three seemed likely to get into a regular
muddle about this, when their attention was sud-
denly called off by Jaques catching sight of some-
thing that looked first like a new threepenny-
piece, and in another second like a big shining
tin plate.
" What's that ? " said Jaques. While he was
saying this, it had grown as big as a drum.
" Perhaps it's a giant's dish," said Ranulf. It
was now as big as a circus.
" It's getting too big for that," said Jaques. By
this time it was as large as a race-course, and in
another second it was too great to be like any-
thing.
Norval, who had been thinking, was just going
to say, " Perhaps it's the moon," when the Man in
the Moon put his head out at one side, and look-
ing as grumpy as possible, called out " Hi, you
rascals ! what do you want here ? " He had
evidently been wakened out of a nap by the
whirr of the bicycles, for he wore a big red
CRUSTY CRESCENT.
nightcap, and had
got only one eye
open.
" We aren't ras-
cals," said Jaques ;
" if you say that,
well tell papa."
"Oh," said Nor-
val, " are you the
fellow that came
down too soon ? "
1 6 NEARLY MOON-STRUCK.
Ranulf broke in " I think you've got up too
soon this morning. By the bye, did you ever
find the way to Norwich ? "
The Man in the Moon got quite red with
rage at this, opened his other eye, and aimed a
blow at Ranulf with a big stick.
" Ha ! " said Jaques, " that's one of the sticks
you gathered on Sunday, you villain ! "
As his arm made the blow, it came nearer the
boys ; and the stick, which had looked only like a
porridge-stick, got as big as Nelson's Monument.
Ranulf would have been knocked to pieces, but
the little man at the back of the bicycle gave a
sudden dart to one side ; the Man in the Moon
overbalanced himself, and if his wife had not
caught him by the legs he would have tumbled
off the moon altogether. In struggling to get on
again his red nightcap fell off, and a breeze of
wind carrying it away, left it sticking on one of
the moon's horns.
They were now getting so near the moon that
they began to wonder how they were to pass it.
KEEP YOUR SEATS. 17
" Jump over, to be sure," said Jaques.
" Oh, that would be a tremendous jump ! " re-
plied Ranulf.
" Not at all," said Norval ; " you know the cow
jumped over the moon, so it can't be very difficult
after all."
The bicycles began to move a little slower, and
the boys thought they were going to stop, but it
turned out that the little men were only gathering
themselves together, like good hunters, for the
spring ; for in a moment they gave a whistle, as
a train does when it goes into a tunnel, and the
bicycles bounding up, went right over the top
of the moon, the boys keeping their seats in a way
that it would be well if some Members of Par-
liament could imitate.
As they passed, the Man in the Moon, who
had come up after his nightcap, shouted, " Don't
you come here again ! " and picked up a stone
as big as four hayricks to throw after them. But
before he could do so, his wife, who had come
behind him, and who had a nose as big as
1 8 ECHO ANSWERS.
a ship's long-boat, eyes like paddle-boxes, and a
mouth like the entrance of a harbour, seized him
by the arm, boxed his ears, and said in a voice
loud enough to be heard hundreds of miles off
" Would you hurt the dear little things, you old
villain ? "
" Old villain ! 'Id villain ! villain ! 'illain ! lain !
'Ian ! In ! " cried the echoes in the stars.
The Man in the Moon dropped the big stone on
his own toes, and muttering, " Petticoat govern-
ment again ! " pulled his nightcap over his ears,
shrugged his shoulders, and went home meekly
to breakfast
" I wonder if we're going the same way the cow
went !" said Ranulf; "if we are, perhaps we may
get a drink of milk I'm so thirsty."
" And a beefsteak," said Jaques ; " for I'm
hungry."
" Faugh ! " said Norval ; " what would papa
say if he heard of our eating cow-beef in Fairy-
land ? and as for milk, if she runs as fast as we do,
she must be run dry long ago."
MIST-ERIE. 19
The pace was now greater than ever, so that
the stars flew past them like sparks from a smith's
anvil. They had been going through darkness
for some time, when they perceived a dim light in
front; and soon they saw that it was a grey cloud,
into which the bicycles plunged, moving more
slowly, till they came to a walk. While they
were in the cloud, the boys felt that they had
come to ground ; and in a minute or two they
passed through it, and found themselves in a very
bleak, cold-1 oking place no grass, no trees, no
flowers, nothing but stones and sand, and an old
woman walking in front of them, thick fog en-
veloping all round. Ranulf was almost going to
cry, it looked so dreary; but Norval told him to
remember that papa often said, " Whatever hap-
pens, don't cry, but be brave boys ; things are
always made worse by crying." So he gave three
big gulps and was all right. But they began to
think in themselves that if they had known Fairy-
land was like this, they would have preferred to
stay at home. They had little time to reflect,
2O
BEAK ON ROCK.
however, for the old
woman tripped her foot
against a stone and fell
down on her nose, which
was very long. The
boys jumped at once
to the ground, forget-
A PICK-ME-UP. 21
ting all about Fairyland, and rushed to the old
woman to help her up.
" Poor granny ! " said Jaques, " are you very
much hurt ? "
" Verily muchly," said she, in a squeaky voice,
that sounded like the noise which a piece of paper
stuck over a comb makes.
It was so funny that they all felt inclined to
have a laugh ; but they kept it down, and helped
the old lady up. Her nose was so long that their
handkerchiefs were too small to tie it up, so they
fastened them together and bandaged it as well as
they could. They were going back to the bicycles,
when she said
" Don't go away, dears."
Norval said, " We wanted to get on to the nice
part of Fairyland, but if you would like us to stay
till you feel better, we will."
" Yes, of course we will," said Jaques; "won't we,
Ranny ?" And Ranulfgave a big nod.
Then the old lady, patting Ranulf on the head,
replied, " You want to get to the nice part of
22 TRANSFORMATION.
Fairyland ? So you shall, for those who are kind
are sure to get what is nice and pleasant at the
proper time." While speaking, she seemed to
get enveloped in a kind of mist, through which
the boys could only trace her figure dimly. To
their great surprise, the fog that was all round and
above them began to weave into lines ; and these
plaited themselves together quickly, till they
formed a vast trellised dome. Then light began
to break through, and the dark bars became
transparent gold. Lovely plants rose from the
top of the dome, twining themselves in and out
all the way down. Each had hundreds of buds,
which, as they reached the ground, burst into
leaves and flowers in dense profusion here a
thread of blue, here of red, here of white, which,
mingling with the golden trellis, produced a charm-
ing effect. The ground, which had been rough
and stony, smoothed itself into stripes of silver sand.
The stones became precious ones of all colours,
and ranged themselves along the stripes of silver,
making beautiful, shining walks. In the plots
FAIRY-EST OF ALL. 23
between the walks, the most lovely grass appeared,
soft and delicate, like velvet; and from each
there rose a crystal fountain, playing waters of
different bright colours ; while all around richly
laden fruit-trees sprang up, with many splen-
did-coloured birds on the branches, which began
to fly in all directions, whistling and singing
most sweetly. All this time the mist remained
round the old woman, only turning to a beautiful
rose colour. When the fountains and trees were
rising, the boys gazed in wonder and delight.
Ranulf proposed to pluck some fruit and eat it,
but Norval said they must not do that without
leave. Presently the rose-coloured mist began
to get thin, and, clearing away, they saw a beau-
tiful form appearing a regular real fairy, stand-
ing perfectly still in the middle of the canopy,
shining so bright that though everything else was
beautiful, she was the loveliest of all, as she stood
in the midst of a bouquet of flowers formed of glit-
tering jewels. For there was a bright shining in
her face that outshone all else a something so
24 MANNERS.
beaming, so winning, so unlike anything to be
seen in the world of every day, that you must just
try to think of what cannot be thought of, before
you will get any idea of it. Her robe was dazzling
white, and the swan-like neck and rounded arms
vied in delicate beauty with the strings of gor-
geous pearls that formed the only sleeves of
her shining dress. The slender waist was circled
by a band of glittering precious stones, and her
skirt, falling to the knee, was one blaze of silver
light, the fringe at the edge sparkling with bril-
liants. A tiara of diamonds crowned her head,
and lovely golden hair hung below her waist.
Jaques' mouth and eyes opened wide, and
Ranulf showed two large dimples in his cheeks
as these wonders came to view. Norval was the
first to remember what he was about, and said,
" Come along, boys ; we must go and shake
hands, you know, and say, How do you do ? "
So they all went forward. As they came near,
a lovely smile broke over the fairy's face, and
she held out her hand, saying, " I am so glad to
BELLE FROM BELDAM. 25
see you, dear boys ; and still more to see that you
know how to behave like little gentlemen." Her
voice was clear as a silver bell, and her hand very
curious to touch, but so nice. She went on, as she
stooped down and smoothed Ranulf s hair, " You
will see every day the advantage of being good
and brave. Do you know what would have
happened if you had not helped me, when I
was the old woman ? "
" Oh, but you couldn't be the old woman," said
Ranulf, looking up admiringly in her face.
" Indeed I was, dear," said she ; " I just wanted
to see whether you were unselfish, kind boys, so
made myself very ugly and ridiculous. But do
you know what would have happened if you had
not picked me up ? "
" No-o-o-o," said they all, shaking their heads.
" My servants would have whirled you back
faster than you came, and dropped you on the
rug again."
" What servants do you mean, please ? " said
Jaques ; " we didn't see any."
26 LIKE A BIRD.
" I will show you," said the fairy, giving a
light bound to the ground, and walking across
towards the bicycles, which were modestly stand-
ing at one side of the bower. She had shoes
of transparent glass, with buckles of lovely
sapphire ; but what astonished the boys most was,
that the glass was not stiff, but obeyed the move-
ment of her beautiful feet, so that her motion was
splendid, the foot curving gracefully down as
she stepped, reminding the boys of one of the
large stately-moving birds they had seen at the
Zoological Gardens. They gazed at her in
amazement, as she smoothly glided ; and she,
observing their surprise, said, smiling
" So you admire my shoes. I get them from
the same man who supplied my sister fairy
with those she gave to Cinderella. He's the very
best maker in Fairyland."
As she came near the bicycles, the little men
made their bow as they had done to the boys,
and then raising themselves off- the ground,
whisked round two or three times in the air,
A PAGE OF PAGES. 27
as if in great delight. The fairy tapped each
of them with her wand, and at once they became
handsome pages, older and bigger than Norval,
dressed in dark-blue doublets and velvet caps,
with pretty ruffs round their necks that looked
transparent like glass ; and, with their light-blue
tights and silver shoes, they were very smart.
Each stood leaning on the great gold wheel, which
was all that remained of the bycycles.
" Oh," said Jaques, " we didn't know they were
real ; we half thought they were only funny
machines like men," and turning to the other
boys, added, " Must not we say * Thank you ' to
them for all their trouble ? "
" Of course," said Norval ; and each went up to
his own page, and said, " Thank you very much."
" That's right," said the fairy ; and the pages
smiled and made a bow just an ordinary bow,
not whirling round as they had done before, for,
of course, pages cannot turn over of themselves.
" And now you must be hungry, dears, after
your long journey," said the fairy, giving a grace-
28 DINNER IS SERVED.
ful wave of her hand towards the three pages.
In an instant they were down on one knee with
the golden wheels supported on their heads,
like three lovely Dresden-china art tables, while
their caps, which they tossed on the ground, grew
and shaped themselves into silver stools. And
how it came about the boys never could make
out, but there was a neat little dinner laid out
on the top of each wheel ; and still more curious,
each boy had his own favourite dish, only nicer
to look at and better to taste than they had ever
had it before. While they feasted, low strains
of music sounded sweetly through the air, and a
chorus of many voices, clear as the crystal brook,
but gentle as its murmur, sang *
" Boys of earth, be brave, be true,
Linger not at vice's call ;
Cords of love are drawing you,
Chains that guide but not enthral.
* Air " Silver Threads among the Gold."
GOOD ADVICE. 29
Break them not, their fragile lines
Draw with strength the willing heart
To the life that ever shines ;
Angels weep to see them part.
Let the cords of love entwine
Round the heart-strings day by day ;
Let the threads of silver shine,
Guiding by the narrow way.
Watch, lest thorns of pleasure's bower
Tangle in their tender strands ;
Guard, lest Mammon's subtle power,
Fray and loose their gentle bands.
3-
Worldling's life is love's decay,
Pleasure's slave hath joyless end ;
Squander not life's fleeting day
In the paths that downward tend.
Follow truth and yield to love,
Bravely keep the narrow way;
Truth shall greet you from above,
Love shall bring to endless day.
4-
Truth and love endure for aye,
Silver love in truth shall hide,
Golden truth for love doth stay
Truth the bridegroom, love the bride ;
30 WHERE NEXT ?
Sun's strong beam to moon's soft ray,
Truth and mercy met in one,
Blend in everlasting day,
And again the work is done."
When the boys had dined, which they did with
exceptional ease, as their knives and forks did
not require to be handled, but performed their
work neatly and deftly of themselves; and when
the table-napkins had unfolded themselves, and
touched their lips with deliciously scented water,
the last strains of the song died away ; and the
fairy, who had herself sung the final verse in tones
most winning, so that the boys had crept close to
her, nestling under the caress of her arms, stooped
down and kissed them tenderly.
" And now," said she, " I know you want some
fun, and quite right too. Those who go steadily
in the right road are well entitled to a little di-
version, and can enjoy it better than the boys
who choose crooked paths. Now, where would
you like to go ? "
WONDERFUL BLUNDER. 31
"Oh," said Norval, "we have a pass from
Alice to let us into Wonderland."
" Ah ! Alice ; I have heard of her, or rather
I've heard her. She was the little girl that grew
so big, was she not ?"
" Yes."
" Well, when she got big, her voice got big too,
and it was heard all over Fairyland."
" But are there more places than one in your
country ?" asked Norval.
" Oh yes, dear, of course there are ; we have
Elfland, and Bogieland, and Spriteland, and
Wonderland, and Blunderland, and many others.
But let me see your pass."
Norval produced it from his pocket.
" Why," said the fairy, " this is not for Wonder-
land; it's for Blunderland."
And so it was, beyond all doubt, as may be
seen by looking at this copy, faithfully and liter-
ally taken from the original writing :
A PRETTY PASS.
" Oh, how stupid!" said Norval. "When I
was writing it I said to myself, I will try not to
make any blunder in spelling ; and I must have
written Blunder from thinking of it. What are
we to do ?"
" Never mind," said the fairy ; " there is plenty
of good fun to be got in Blunderland, and you
may just as well go there as anywhere else. So
now good-bye, and I hope you will enjoy your-
selves."
Once more the lovely hand was waved this
time the arm in its graceful curve taking in every
part of the palace of gold and flowers when in-
PLACE AUX DAMES.
33
stantly a thou-
sand fairies
stood in one
vast circle a-
round, and
gracefully
bent low be-
fore their
34 BELLES AND BELLS.
queen. Then with a bound each took her place
opposite one of the trellises of the bower, stand-
ing with the right foot pointed, and waited for the
signal to begin the dance.
The queen, with many a graceful turn, circled
round the glittering ring of dazzling fairy bright-
ness, waving one hand outwards to this fairy and
the other inwards to that ; and though there were
a thousand of them, and she thus, in soft floating
dance, went round all, yet it seemed to be done
almost in the time that the eye could follow her ;
then with a bound she once more stood in the
centre of the great bouquet, and having slowly
drooped in a deep long curtsey, acknowledging
the reverence of her subjects, sprang to her full
height on tiptoe, and threw her hand above her
head, holding a rose that she had worn at her
breast, which burst out into the form of a star,
scintillating with light of most dazzling brilliancy.
This was the signal, and in a moment, ching,
ching, ching, ringa, ringa, ring, went the million
little silver bells upon the skirts of the fairies, as
STARRING IT. 35
they floated in graceful measure hand in hand.
Then each laying hold on one of the supports of
the dome, they raised it up, and danced round,
carrying the canopy with all its myriads of flowers
with them, faster and ever faster, till the eye
could scarce follow the ever - shifting shades
of dazzling colour, the light from the queen's
hand, varying ever and anon, changing the whole
scene from dazzling brightness to crimson glow,
from green gold of sunset to soft purple of fading
twilight.
The boys stood gazing in mute wonder and
delight at the graceful motion of the queen and
her fairies, having never seen any dancing but
at a ball at home, where people rushed about,
elbows meeting ribs, and strips of tulle and tar-
latan torn and scattered about; or at a spec-
tacle, where a pantomime fairy seemed trying to
jerk off her shoes.
Presently the rapid thrilling ching-a-ring of the
bells through whose chiming a melody not
to be described, but wonderful in its sweetness,
36 GOOD-BYE.
caught the ear became slower, the fairies to
whom the queen had waved her hand outwards
turned round, facing those to whom she had
waved inwards ; and out and in they glided,
ever faster and faster, the trellis-work of the
canopy unplaiting as they went, till the last cross-
ing being undone, the fairies ranged themselves
on opposite sides, the bars making one long, bril-
liant, golden - arched bower, the end of which
seemed small in the far distance. Then the
queen, with a merry smile that had something
half-roguish in it, kissed her hand once more to
the boys, saying
" REMEMBER !
BRAVE AND TRUE ; "
and before they had time to think what was going
to happen, the bouquet shaped itself into a mag-
nificent chariot, the three golden wheels set them-
selves one in front and one at each side, the pages
sprang up behind, and gliding like a flash down
the golden bower, the chariot was lost to view.
A SIGNAL SURPRISE. 37
The boys were just going to set off running
after it, when a tremendous
WHEEEEEEUuuu UGH
sounded from an approaching train, the station
bell rang close to their ears, and a gruff voice
above them shouted, " Train for Whackbury,
Flogland, Dunbrown, Sillybilly, and Blunder-
town." Not that it sounded like this, for it was
spoken precisely as on all railways at home, and
sounded just
" Train frwabryflugglindenbrunnsilblunblurtun."
But that matters as little on fairy railroads as
elsewhere. When the boys looked up they saw
that the voice came from a policeman, about as
tall as a three-storey house, and no thicker than
a Maypole, standing with his arms sticking
straight out, and who had an extra eye to
safety, blazing red, both in front and at the back
of his head. Just as they looked up, one arm
EYE READY.
flopped down to a slant,
and an eye winked fun-
nily from red to green,
so that he was a caution
to look at. The train
now appeared dashing
out of the tunnel (gol-
den and bright no lon-
ger), going so fast that the boys thought
STOP THESE BUFFERS. 39
it must pass the station, and were horrified
when they saw the porters busily throwing down
a quantity of black things like two-foot-long tad-
poles on to the rails, and then, a little further
on, a big, round, black ball.
" What's that for ? " said Jaques.
" Well, them's stops. We goes about as fast
as thought, so we checks and pulls our trains up
the same way as they do trains of thought, with
commas and colons."
And sure enough the train, after crashing
through the commas, came to a stand just as two
funny little buffers, whose heads stuck out in
front of the engine, seemed on the point of being
black-balled by the full stop. It is true that the
commas seemed not to be placed with any care,
but just dropped down on the lines anyhow ; still
in this the system varied in no way from the
mode in which commas are scattered about the
lines of other great works as well as railways.
In fact it seems to be the rule, that commas come
as they like ; and if they come upside down they
40 A BLOWING UP.
can bring any amount of material to one work
from another a new proof that one of the
greatest powers of the age is commars.
As the train came to a standstill, the police-
man's eye winked suddenly back from green to
red, and his arm flew up again, while he shouted
" Smash'll, smash'll, smash'll."
" Change furcrotnchipucklgublboranquklin ; "
by which he meant, " Change for Crowtown,
Cheepcackle, Gobbleboro', and Quackland."
The boys' attention was called to the engine,
by the station-master coming up in a rage to
the driver, and stamping his foot on the ground,
shouting, " Here's the ninth day this week that
you have come in punctually, when you know
that it is against the rules. You must have a
blowing up."
" All right, sir," said the driver, meekly ; and
mounting the engine, he quietly took his seat
upon the safety-valve.
The boys, who had bought a little steam-engine
ANOTHER.
with the savings of pocket - money carefully
hoarded for many months, knew something of the
danger of this proceeding
from the printed directions
sent with their engine, and
Norval cried out, " Oh, don't
do that, or there will be a
burst ! "
" All right, little uh," said
the driver, " it'll get me hup
in the world."
As he spoke he was shot into the air as high
as the tall policeman's head, and the boys shut
their eyes in horror, thinking he must be killed.
But on opening them again, to their surprise they
saw him at his post, quietly buttering a piece of
bread with wheel-grease, and taking a drink out
of the engine's oil-can.
" Are you not hurt ? " asked Jaques, anxiously.
" Yes, 'urt in my feelin's. It's wery 'ard hafter
getting so 'igh to have to come down to this agin ;
but we must take things has they comes or goes,
A POT-BOILER.
has the man said when 'is 'ead flew hoff on bein
axed to do so."
The engine did not ap-
pear to be more damaged
than the driver by the ex-
plosion, and on looking at
it, the boys were surprised
to see that its boiler was
shaped like a porridge-pot,
with an immense porridge-
stick stirring it by steam.
There was a tender behind,
which kept the engine up ;
for, as the driver said, in
answer to one of the boys,
" We keeps 'im coaled to
keep 'im ot. My hengine
begins to 'eat up when 'ee's swallered two tons.
In fact it's with this coal 'ere that 'is bile is riz." '
" And what have you got in the pot ? " asked
Ranulf.
* The words, " Till 'ee gits it he's coal as a cokeumber," are in-
JUGGED 'ARE. 43
The driver, who had just taken another pull at
the oil-can, so long and full that the fireman had
to beg him to leave some for the wheels, replied,
' Don't ye ax souperfluous questions." But the
fireman, picking up a big spoon like a warming-
pan, plunged it into the pot, and held it down
to Ranulf, saying, " There, you'll find that 'ere
souperfine stuff."
" It ain't 'are soup at all," said the driver ;
" what are yer talkin' about ? "
" That's just as well," said Norval, " because
one can't live on air, of course."
" I dunno that," said the driver; "jugged 'are's
wery good stuff for dinner."
" Oh, but," said Jaques, gravely, " if we got
nothing but a jug of air for dinner we would be
just full of wind."
He thought to himself, just as he said this, that
perhaps this was the right thing for a driver of a
terpolated in the MSS. ; but doubts of their authenticity, and
fears of ruptured sides in the case of those who might think a joke
was intended, make it prudent to delete them. ED.
44 TICKETS FOR SOUP.
puff -puff, as they called railway-engines in the
nursery, but he did not like to say so.
After Ranulf had tasted the soup, Norval and
Jaques had some, just as the porter came along
the train calling out, " All tickets for soup ready,
please ; tickets reade-e-e-e. All tickets for soup
ready, please."
" But we haven't got any tickets," said Ranulf.
" Then," said the porter, " where's your fare ? "
" Well, we had fairy fare a little ago."
" But I mean railway fare," said the porter.
" Oh," said Norval, " we've just had it too,
and first-class fare it was ; at least it was fair
fare."
" All right," said the porter ; " but any boy who
travels without his fare, or his ticket for soup,
will be breeched for breach of the company's pie-
laws, remember that."
He tried to look very fierce as he said this ;
but as his body looked like a barrel, with three
big X's upon it, and his head was a large pew-
ter-pot, the boys could not help laughing, which
STOUT PORTER.
45
Norval excused by saying, " I beg your pardon,
but you do look so dumpy."
" In coorse I does," said
he. " Porters no good that
bean't stout, you know."
" Oh, but you're so
stout!" said Jaques.
" No, I ain't So's stout," said he ; " I'm Dublin
stout."
46 TURKEY CHANGING.
" If you're doubling stout," said Norval, " that's
as stout as can be, isn't it ? "
" No, it ain't. I'm more than that already.
Don't you know treble X when you see him ? "
" Oh yes, I know now," said Jaques. " I've
heard papa say that X is an unknown quantity ;
and you're three times him, are you ? "
The porter was off by this time at the door
of a carriage, looking at tickets, so he gave no
answer ; and the boys' attention was called off
by the passengers that were changing for Crow-
town, Cheepcackle, Gobbleboro', and Ouackland
coming along the platform to cross the line.
First came Sir T. Urkey, of Gobbleboro' Hall,
in a white hat, a red handkerchief sticking out
from below it, a brown coat, and tight leggings.
Next followed Mr Shanty Cleary, his wife
Henny, and half-a-dozen little cheeps of the old
block following. Mr Shanty Cleary's head pre-
sented a most combical appearance, and all the
young Clearys of the male gender took after
their father in this respect. Last came M. U. S.
FOWL LANGUAGE. 47
Covy Drayck, Esq., the tails of whose coat curled
up in a very funny way, and who carried his head
very high, as if the whole country belonged to
him, although he was rather bandy-legged and
very flat-footed. He seemed altogether inclined
to play the swell ; and as they passed the boys,
bobbed his head to one of the Miss Clearys,
and said, " Oh you little duck ! "
" Duck yourself," said Mrs Cleary, with a most
indignant sweep of her head ; " my daughter's no
duck, Mr Imperence." Mr Shanty Cleary him-
self stepped forward, with his head as high as he
could ; and looking as cocky as possible, was just
opening his mouth to say something severe, when
Sir T. Urkey turned back and said, "What's the
matter ? "
" He's giving my chick cheek," said old Cleary.
" He's trying to crow over me," said Mr Covy
Drayck.
" Come, Drayck, don't be a goose," said Sir T.,
"and behave yourself. You're no chicken now,
you know."
48 IMPUDENT QUACKERY.
" Who asked you to interfere ? " said the other,
throwing back his neck as far as it would go,
and waddling up to Sir T. in a most defiant
manner.
Sir T. got purple in the face, and swelled out
under his brown coat with rage, his red handker-
chief slipping loose, and a long end of it hanging
over his nose, nearly to his waist. He rushed
at Mr Drayck, with his coat-flaps trailing on the
ground, and tried to speak, but nothing came
out except a gub-gubba-gubble-gubble-gubble.
Mrs Cleary, seeing there
would be a fight, scream-
ed out, " Police ! police ! "
as loud as she could.
The tall policeman gave
a horrible wink, showing
the white of his eye, at
which signal two other
constables seized the ill-
behaved Mr Drayck by the neck, and began to
drag him to the engine.
POTTED. 49
" What do you mean, you rascals ? " said Mr
Drayck.
" Means to pot you for breach of the pie-
laws."
" Where's your warrant ? " said Mr Drayck.
" Our pots is all Warrens," said a constable,
as they chucked him in.
" There," said he, " you can commit breach of
the peas in there if you like ; they won't split on
you, for they're all split already."
" Take your seats," shouted the guard (who had
a whistle instead of a nose, and a big turnip
fastened to his belt to tell the time by), as he ran
up to the boys, " and mind you don't get in right
side first."
" Why ? " said Jaques.
" Because if you gits in right side afore, you're
sure to be left behind."
The boys went along the platform to look for
a carriage. The first they came to had a crown
of a hat nailed on its side, and below in large
letters
D
5O EXHASPIRATING.
'ERE y ^ &/v. AGAIN -
Looking in they saw a king in a long robe,
standing before a number of square holes (over
each of which there was a letter of the alphabet),
with an armful of letters, which he was cram-
ming into the different holes. The H's seemed
to be very troublesome, for they were constantly
getting dropped, and those that he managed to
force into their place the boys saw slyly slipping
out, and gliding into the holes of the vowels, so
that, struggle as he might, he could not get them
right. Once he caught an H with a corner of an
I, just as it was trying to get in beside the O's.
" Oh ho ! " said he, " is that what you're after ?"
seizing him firmly. But the H was determined,
if he could not be where he ought not, that he
would be dropped ; and as the king held on
tightly to him, over they both rolled together,
the king tripping on his long robes, and coming
down in a most undignified position. The H's
A DROP SCENE. 51
that were on the ground could do nothing, but
those that had got in beside the vowels shouted
with laughter.
" Ha, ha, ha ! " came from A pigeon-hole.
" Hee, hee, hee!" from E.
"Ho, ho, ho!" from O.
Those that had got in beside the Fs laughed in
a Hi key. The H's that were in the U pigeon-
hole alone remained silent, as they could only have
called out Heu, which, as it means alas ! they
were not in the Humour to use.
The king made no attempt to rise, and looked
as if he was much the worse of the drop he had
had, and in great need of a Pick-me-up ; so Nor-
val put his foot on the step to get in and help
him, but the king, observing his intention, waved
his hand and said majestically
" ROYAL MALE.
NO ADMITTANCE."
It was evident, however, that he was in great
distress, for he called out " Oh ! " several times,
52 WIFE-BEATING.
only the boys could not understand why he put
other letters before it, so that it sounded like,
" " P- h & P- on 8- P- on "
" Get out of the way," said a voice behind
them ; and a gorgeous officer, but who, strangely
enough, wore canvas bags, and the orders on
whose breast were money -orders, stepped in
beside the Royal Male.
" Who's that ? " asked Jaques.
" That's General Pustoffus ; we calls him G. P.
O. for short; it's him as looks after the Royal
Male. He's a queer sorter chap he is, the Royal
Male. He takes up 'is 'ole time a pullin' letters
out of bags, and shoving 'em into 'oles ; and
when's he's tired o' that, he takes them out of
'oles and shoves 'em into bags. And, besides
that, there's never a letter he gets that he doesn't
give the Queen's 'ead a bang."
" What a shame ! " said Ranulf.
" Ay, it be a shame," said the guard. " If you
or me was to lick our wife we'd get six months ;
but this 'ere Royal Male, he doesn't mind 'er 'ead
PUFFY PIGGY. 53
gettin' licked and stuck fast in a corner, and 'ee's
always a stamping on it, and making her face all
black. And I'm sure a patienter lady never was,
for though her 'ead's being bumped all day, she
never says a word. He don't hold the Queen's
'ead worth more nor a penny to a hounce, he
don't. But come on, or the train will be
hoff."
The next was the smoking-carriage, and the
smoke was pushing out so hard at the door, that
the moment the handle was turned it flew open,
so that it took the united efforts of the guard and
porter to get it shut again, the cloud coming out
as thick as gutta percha. Norval looked through
the window, and saw a pig puffing away at an
enormous cigar.
"What a bore! It's no use trying to go in
there," said he.
" I thought papa said smoking was a bad habit,"
said Ranulf.
" Well," said the porter, " ain't 'ee trying to cure
hisself?"
54
SAMPLING.
" Fd ha' thought," said the guard, " that amount
of smoking would ha' cured him already."
The pig, hearing the
talk, opened the window . { f $> ^
and handed out a slice j21^
of himself on a plate,
saying, as
he did |r>l
" There, you see yourselves I am not half
cured yet, so don't bother me any more. What
can't be cured must be endured." He gave such
A FALSE START. 55
a puff of smoke as he said this, that Ranulf
sneezed a loud " H-a-a-a-m."
" No, I am not ham," said the pig.
" Bacon, then," said Jaques.
11 So I do mean to bake on," said the pig, " in
the smoke here, and when I am ham I'll let you
know ; so don't take it for grunted till I tell
you."
He shut the window again.
" Why can't he talk correct, and say ' When I
ham 'am'?" said the guard, as the pig closed
the window.
The next carriage was empty ; and no wonder
for it was the sleeping-carriage, and was snoring
so loud that even the wooden sleepers below
wouldn't stay quiet, and were anything but chary
of their raillery. When Jaques looked in it only
spoke in its sleep, and said, " Are we far from
Wakefield yet ? "
" Very far, I should think," replied Jaques.
They all laughed at this; and unfortunately
the guard, in laughing, let his whistle-nose go off.
56 STEAD IS THE CURE.
This made the driver start the train ; just as
the pig opened the window of the smoking-car-
riage again, and handed out another slice, saying,
"A rasher individual than this pig would have
made his eggsit as a cure at once, but you see
I'm no' * a ham yet ; steady's the word for a per-
fect cure."
This long speech gave time for a tremendous
cloud of smoke to escape, so that the train got
out of the station under cover of it, before the
guard or the porter knew that it was off.
" 'Ere's a go ! " said the porter.
" It's more like there's a go," replied Norval.
" Yes, there's a go, and here's a stay," said
the guard. " We must get on somehow. What
shall we do ? "
" Ax old Sammy Fore, 'ee's your man," said the
porter, pointing to the signal policeman.
" Vy, vot could 'ee do ?"
" 'Ee ? 'ee's the very man for movin' people on,
* This pig must have been north of the Tweed, to forget his
Tees thus. ED.
POLICEMAN XPRESS. 57
yer knows ; 'ee'l be hable to run yer in to the train
yet."
They all hurried across to the policeman, and
begged him to take them on.
" Do you see anything green in my eye ? "
said he.
" Sometimes," said Jaques, " when you wink."
" Then you won't this time," said he. " Don't
you know that I'm a fixed signal ? If I were to
leave here, I shouldn't be found when I was
wanted."
" Just like other policemen," said the guard, " so
that wouldn't make no difference. Come, don't be
a fool ; take us on."
" Couldn't we go by special train ?" said Norval,
who was by way of being very knowing about
railways.
" Special train be blowed ! " said the guard ;
" let's go by special constable. We'll soon hover-
take the train by p'liceman Xpress."
" No, you shan't," said the policeman ; " I sticks
to my beat."
58 COOKS FOLLOWERS.
"If you sticks so hard, you'll grow to the spot,
said the guard, sulkily.
" Then I'll be a beetroot," said the policeman.
" So you are, with your red and green."
The policeman seemed determined not to help
them, when the guard at last said, in desperation,
" If anything happens to that 'ere train, it'll be a
pretty kettle of fish, for there's a Cooke's excur-
sion in it."
" Cooks and fish ! " shouted the policeman ;
" why didn't you say so before ? If there's cooks
in the train, I'm your man. Come on ; cooks
without followers is no good ; let's after 'em
at once."
So saying, he whipped up Jaques and Ranulf
under one arm, and Norval under the other, and
bidding the guard hold on by his coat-tails,
started off after the train. His long legs went
over the ground at a tremendous pace, and as
they flew by, the people in the houses rushed out
to behold the sight of a policeman running, for
they are generally slow enough, as everybody
VAN DRIVING. 59
knows. One old ploughman scratched his head
as they sped past, and muttered, " AVe offen 'eard
as how p'licemen's never in an 'urry, but that un
goes like an 'urricane, he do."
" Yes," said another old man, " police rates are
as slow as they're heavy generally."
When they had gone several miles in as many
seconds, the policeman caught sight of the train,
and rushed on faster than ever. But suddenly he
gave a terrible yell of pain ; and no wonder for
he had bumped his shin against a bridge crossing
the line, which he had not noticed, as he was
watching the train. He staggered, blundered on
a few strides of 300 yards each, and at last fell
heavily forward, and his head went bang through
the van of the train, which had come to a stand-
still, driving it all the way to the next station,
which was about half a mile off. When the
policeman fell, the little fellows ran great risk of
coming to smash ; but at the back of the train
there happened to be two obliging buffers, who,
as the shock of the fall made the policeman's
6O MOVE ON, THERE 1
arms fly up, caught the boys, and with the aid
of one or two back springs, brought them safely
to the ground.
" Thou'st roon thyself in this time, lad," said
the guard ; " it be looky for oi that I warn't in
the van, or there 'ud a been two brakes in it
instead of one."
The policeman vouchsafed no reply, but
gathered himself up with a most dignified air.
One of his red eyes looked rather the worse for
his tumble ; but being a glass one, it did not
matter much, as it could be easily replaced. He
stuck his arms straight out once more, and said,
majestically, " Move on, there ! "
The guard being anxious to get to the train,
needed no further urging, but set off with the
boys for the station. After a little, he got so
out of breath that his nose was beginning to
whistle again, and he had to hold it for the rest of
the way, lest it should cause the train to start off
without them once more.
The boys, going forward to get into a carriage,
SLOW-PACED PROCEEDINGS. 6 1
found the people all jammed up by large pieces
of pasteboard, like the advertising placards car-
ried by two men in the streets, which turned out
to be tickets. They could not be got out at
the doors without a great deal of bending and
squeezing and struggling, which tore and broke
them ; and as the officials insisted on carefully
pasting up each ticket as it was got out, the
collecting promised to be a very long affair.
" Why are the tickets so big ? " said Jaques to
the station-master, who had used up a paste-pot
as large as a drum. They had a paste-pump in
the station that was kept constantly going, like a
battery.
" Well, you see, my little man," said he, " people
were always losing the small tickets, so we
thought they would take care of big ones ; and we
have not had any mistakes since."
" But doesn't it take a long time ? " said Norval.
" Well, ye-e-e-ss. We generally take about
three hours and a half to get things square, I
mean the tickets, for they makes a sad hash of
62 CLOSE QUARTERS.
them getting them out ; but then things is square
when we've done, you see, and that's the great
point."
Norval, who was beginning mathematics, won-
dered how a point could be great, and how a
square could be a point ; but he did not like to
trouble the station-master, as he was so busy with
the tickets, which, when they were all mended
and collected, made a pile that blocked up half of
the station.
A number of Sillybilly people came to the
station to get into the train for Blundertown.
It was already so full that the boys were ob-
liged to squeeze themselves up in corners, till
Ranulf called out, " Oh, I can't bre-e-eathe ! " and
Norval had to take him on his knee. When the
Sillybilly people came up, the guard ran along
the train, calling out, " Plenty of room ! plenty
of room ! Every one sit on his own knee, and
there's plenty of room ! "
The passengers got very angry at this, and
shouted out all sorts of cross replies to the guard.
GENERAL JAM. 63
" There's no need to do that," said one.
" It's not an easy position," said another.
" There's no necessity for it," bawled a fourth.
" It's packing us like negroes," said a fifth.
" It's the ne plus ultra of mismanagement," said
a sixth.
Those who tried to do it always found that
they got on somebody else's knee instead of on
their own, which, as it turned out, came to much
the same thing, as the moment anybody rose to
64 WISIBLY SWELLIN'.
try to sit down on his own knee, a Sillybillier
popped down on his seat.
There was no need for hurry, as the train was
only 22 hours and 49 minutes behind time; so,
after everybody had with great difficulty got in,
and they were packed so tight that the sides of
the carriages were bulging out, the station -bell
rang for 19 minutes, to show that the train was
going to start. Then the guard unscrewed his
whistle-nose, wiped it carefully with his pocket-
handkerchief, and screwed it on again. It so
happened that he fastened it with the wrong end
out; and when he blew, he only whistled into
himself, so that the driver could not hear ; and he
had to get the station-master to give him a slap
on the back with one of the big tickets, to make
the whistling that had stuck in him come out.
The train then started, but as there was a bridge
just beyond the station, and the carriages were so
swelled, it had to be stopped again till the porters
had roped the carriages like trunks, to press the
sides in and let them pass.
FREE AND EASY. 65
The process made things so tight, that sev-
eral persons called out, " Oh dear ! " At this
the porters only laughed, and said, " Dear ? it's
the cheapest thing you get in twenty-four hours
you get it for nothing."
The train having at last got fairly started, a big
fat man, with a jolly broad face, who seemed to
get happier and happier the closer the squeeze
became, said in a wheezy voice
" I move that we have a Free-and-Easy."
" Move ! that's a good one," said a voice from
a corner. " Proposing to move is all very well,
but how will you get it done in a squash like
this?"
"Well," said the jolly man, " there's nothing
like trying."
" No ; except trying circumstances, like ours
just now."
" We must have a chairman," said the jolly
gentleman.
" Here's what you want," said Norval ; " I saw
him getting in."
E
66
PERE LA CHAISE.
Everybody looked towards Norval, but in the
crowd they could see nothing but a broad, flat,
smiling face.
" Why he more than another ? " cried several.
" Well, if you could see him, you would know,"
answered Norval.
Instantly there was
a shout "Clear off,
and let us look at
him."
Tightly as they
were squeezed, they
notwithstanding made
a tremendous push
back from the man
beside Norval, till the
ropes round the car-
riage creaked again.
Sure enough, there he was a chair beyond all
doubt, looking as inviting as possible.
" He's just what we want for a Free-and-Easy,"
said one, " for he's an easy-chair ! "
SUPPORTING THE CHAIR. 67
" Come along, be our chair, old boy," said
another.
" All right," said he ; " but remember, if I agree
to act, I won't be sat upon by anybody else ;
everybody must support the chair."
" All right ; we will, we will ! " was heard from
every side ; and those next him whipped him
up on their shoulders from which elevation he
grinned a great broad smile.
Everything seemed likely to go right, when a
grumpy individual, whom the crush to clear the
chair had flattened up against the side of the
carriage, till he looked like half of himself, said in
slow tones, as if he had only breath for a letter at
a time
11 I b-eg-g to mo-o-ve a cou-nt-er mo-shn."
Such sighs went from him as he spoke, that it
was no wonder he was much reduced in bulk.
His words were received with jeers of derision
on all sides.
" Counter-motion ! " said one ; " how can you
get a movement out of shop-fixtures ? "
68 PRESSED TO WITHDRAW.
" I wa-s a cou-nt-er-jum-per onc-ce, bu-t I a-ad-
mit I'm a fi-xt-ure n-ow; bu-t th-at's be-cau-se
th-is is a pa-ack-d meet-t-ing."
Nobody felt able to deny that the meeting was
packed, so there was a dead silence. The chair-
man, however, with admirable tact, took up his
adversary on his own ground, and said
"We don't want any of your pax, so just hold
your peace."
" If you don't," said somebody, " we'll turn you
out."
" Th-ere w-ill be ro-om to tu-rn the-n ; I w-ish
yo-u wo-uld do it no-w, fo-r I fe-el tu-rn-ing
di-zzy."
" Turning dizzy ! really now, you must be a
clever party if you can do that," said one.
" You had better withdraw your motion," said
the chairman, blandly ; " everybody seems against
you."
" Ev-er-y-bo-dy-'s pr-ess-ing a-gai-nst me, if
th-at's wh-at y-ou mea-n."
" Well, then, we'll admit that you do it under
SINGING SMALL. 69
pressure," said the chairman, cheerily; "we will
press you a little more if you wish, but I should
think it was a case of jam satis"
" Sic, sic ; I fee-1 ve-ry so-so," said the grumpy
man ; " go-t a s-ing-ing in my ea-rs."
" It's more than we have," said the chairman ;
" but for you we would have had it long ago
you've kept all the harmony from us ; but now
for a song. Who'll sing ? "
Nobody seemed to like to be first, and there
was silence for a minute, when, to the astonish-
ment of everybody, himself included, Ranulf s
little voice was heard saying, " I will."
" Bravo, new edition of the Little Songster !
sing away ! " ~*
i.
We are three jolly boys, you see,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
We are three jolly boys, you see,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Norval and Jaques and Ranny that's me
As lively as so many crickets are we,
* Air "Johnny come marching home."
70 NURSERY RHYMING.
And we wish you all a jolly good health, we do !
And we wish you all a jolly good health, we do !
The fairy told us to be good,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
The fairy told us to be good,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
To be cheery and bright, not sulky or rude
We nodded our noddles, and said we would ;
And we mean to try, oh, ever so hard, we do !
And we mean to try, oh, ever so hard, we do !
3-
She said we never should tell a lie,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
She said we never should tell a lie,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
So we'll rather go without pudding or pie,
If it can't be got without telling a lie,
For we mean to hold on tight to truth, we do !
For we mean to hold on tight to truth, we do !
4-
She bid us keep our temper, too,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
She bid us keep our temper, too,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
HIP, HIP, HIP. 71
So we shall try to put on the screw,
To keep it down whatever we do,
For we mean to be jolly, whatever turns up, we do !
For we mean to be jolly, whatever turns up, we do !
5-
In fact, we'll follow her advice,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
In fact, we'll follow her advice,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
To keep ever free from folly and vice,
And to choose the ways that are noble and nice,
Brave, true gentle men, whatever we say or do !
Brave, true gentle men, whatever we say or do !
Fail we must, but we'll try again,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Fail we must, but we'll try again,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
For we know, if we work with might and main
And a trusting heart, we'll not strive in vain ;
So we mean to hold on, true to the end, we do !
So we mean to hold on, true to the end, we do !
There was great cheering, and cries, " Bravo,
72 COMPANY ADVICES.
little un ! " when Ranulf finished, and the chair-
man said
" The fairy gave you very good advice, so
never forget it Beware of bad surroundings.
Life's like a railway journey; a great deal de-
pends upon your company not being too fast, and
your having a good carriage, and good coup-
lings. If you maintain a manly upright carriage,
and don't couple yourselves by bad ties, keeping
truth and modesty for your safety-chains, you'll
get on well enough ; but if your life carriage gets
shaky, and your connections loose, and you get
bad buffers about you, you will be apt to come
to grief."
The boys listened attentively as the chairman
spoke, and it is to be hoped that neither they, nor
any other boys who read this, will forget what he
said.
In the meantime, the people seemed not to be
able to get Ranulf's tune out of their heads, and
began to find their own words to carry it on.
From one corner came
A MEDLEY. 73
" A spoon of wood is the thing at night,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
A spoon of wood is the thing at night,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Just swallow it dry, it will clear your sight,
To see an invisible green so bright !
Oh ! we're all jolly tight on our way to Blundertown !
Oh ! we're all jolly tight on our way to Blundertown ! "
" Stuff and nonsense ! " said another, and then
he went off himself :
" Spoon-meat may be good enough for thee,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Spoon-meat may be good enough for thee,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
But there's nought like a plank of a hare-soup tree,
Or fresh-roasted ices to make you see
Saw your way through a milestone of brick, you see ;
Saw your way through a milestone of brick, you see."
" Shut up ! " cried some one from the back of the
carnage " for
" Milestones aren't good looks at all,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Milestones aren't good looks at all,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
74 A MORAL.
It's easy to see through a stone mile's squall,
If your eyes are sour and your temper tol-
Erably like a lump of chalk, you see ;
Erably like a lump of chalk, you see."
This seemed to drive a man who had been
sitting quiet almost frantic with excitement, and
off he went
" Chalk and stones, and spoons and trees,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Chalk and stones, and spoons and trees,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
If your eyes aren't made from a skim-milk cheese,
What on earth is the good of talking of these ?
For you can't whey what you are talking about, you see ;
For you can't whey what you are talking about, you see."
" Last verse, and moral," said the chairman,
with great gravity
" Such noble thoughts improve the mind,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
Such noble thoughts improve the mind,
Hurrah ! hurrah !
They belong to the true philosophical kind,
And the moral is plain to be seen by the blind ;
For it just is this that a vile un is fiddle-de-dee ;
For it just is this that a vile un is fiddle-de-dee."
HEADS AND TAILS.
75
When the noise was at its height, Norval said
to the chairman, "It seems to get greater non-
sense at every verse."
" To she bure it does," said he ; " you are etting
ginto Blunderland, and hings don't thappen there
as dey tho in pother laces."
"Yes, indeed," said an old gentleman; "look
out at the floor and you will hear with your own
toes what cruel of a place this is."
Neither he nor the chairman could help
speaking thus, being in Blunderland ; but Norval
guessed that the old gentleman meant he was to
look and see what kind of a place the train had
got into,
so turned
and gaz-
ed out at
the win-
dow. The
first thing
he saw
was a man riding with his face to the horse's tail,
76 AGES OF MAN.
holding the reins like the tiller-ropes of a boat,
which was rather difficult, as he had top-boots on
his hands. A little further on came an old man
who had a string tied to his leg, the other end
of which was held by a pig in a poke-bonnet
and a stylish shawl. Next he saw a very old
man with short trousers
and a pinafore, a satch-
el over his shoulders,
and a slate hanging at
his side, at whom a boy
not older than himself,
in a green coat with
brass buttons, and a
white hat, carrying a
gold-headed cane, was looking through an eye-
glass. Jaques had joined Norval, and suddenly
called out, " What are they doing in that field ? "
" Oh," said the chairman, " they are tigging the
durnips."
What they were really doing was emptying
carts of large stones on the field.
SHAKERS. 77
" Seeding sow for flint-soup," said another.
" Flint-soup would be hard fare, I think," said
Jaques ; " and besides, how can soup grow ? "
" Doesn't it grow cold sometimes ? " said the
chairman.
Poor Jaques was quite dumbfoundered. He
was sure there was some nonsense about it, but
he couldn't make it out. However, there was no
time for more discussion, as the train began to
move very strangely, going along with a series of
jumps that shook everybody.
" Treasant plavelling now," said the chairman,
smiling sweetly, as the train gave a bump that
nearly shook his head off.
" What does it mean ? " said Norval.
" Blunderingshire lines are all thade mat way,"
said the chairman ; " it's a strittle lange at first,
but it will get used to you."
Bump, bump, bump went the train.
" Oh," said Norval, " I hope there won't be an
accident ! "
" Accident ! " said the old gentleman, " what an
78 A LA GLACE.
absurd idea to get into anybody's backbone ! That
would be just the same as common pailways."
" What's a pailway ? " said Ranulf.
" Down the hill, the same as Jack and Jill, I
suppose," said Norval.
At this point the train went crash through the
end of the station which was all filled in with
glass down to the ground sending the pieces
flying in every direction. Nobody seemed to
care the least for this ; and as the boys looked
surprised, the chairman said, " We don't go in for
class with gare here as they do on French lines.
What's the use of glass being so seasily mashed
if you don't break it ? "
" It's a gery vood arrangement, because it pets
leople know there's a train coming," said one
gentleman.
" Yes, and she's an ice arrangement, for she
bakes the station warm," said the old gentleman ;
" fills him with shivers, you know."
The boys were getting completely puzzled, but
there was no time for explanation, as the train
TAKE NO NOTICE. 79
stopped almost immediately, and everybody made
a rush to get out. You never saw anything so
funny as the station was. The big advertisements
on the sides were either upside down or had their
fronts to the wall. Only a few boards were hung
right, and these were as follows :
ANY OF THE COMPANY'S SERVANTS
RECEIVING FEES OR GRATUITIES, WILL
HAVE THE AMOUNT DOUBLED
ON APPLYING AT THE
IMPROPER DEPARTMENT.
BY ORDER OF THE MlSMANAGER.
IT IS REQUESTED THAT ANY WANT OF ATTENTION
BY THE
COMPANY'S THUMBLERS AND CHAINDROPPERS
BE REPORTED TO
THIS BOARD.
Be fair to Pickpockets.
80 POLITICAL PLATFORM.
PORTERS ARE CAUTIONED
NOT
TO SHOW CIVILITY TO PASSENGERS ON ANY
PRETENCE WHATEVER.
INFRINGEMENT OF THIS RULE
WILL BE PRECEDED BY
INSTANT DISMISSAL.
The great clock, instead of using his hands to
show the hours, kept putting them to his nose at
everybody that looked at him, and the big station-
bell stuck out his tongue most impudently. The
mess that took place on the platform was extra-
ordinary one point which Blunderland railroads
have in common with common ones. The por-
ters were tremendously busy picking their teeth
and discussing the affairs of the nation, and smiled
blandly to those who asked them to do anything.
When at last they did move, their proceedings
,were of the strangest. One took hold of a lady
MAN-TRAPS.
81
and dragged her along the platform, singing out,
" Whose baggage is this ? " Another seized two
fashionable
young ladies,
put them on
his truck, and
accosting an
old dowager,
asked, "Are
these your
traps, mum?"
A third pick-
ed up two
children by
the legs,
swung them
over his shoul-
der, and asked their father, " Shall I put the small
things inside the cab, sir ? " The boys, seeing
what a mess things were in, ran off to get out of
the station as fast as they could, for they heard
the station-master say that he thought they were
F
82 WAYWARD.
lost luggage, and had better be locked up. They
made first for a large placard
marked " THE WAY OUT," with a
hand pointing on it, but found that it led into a
stone wall.
" Everything seems to go by contrary here,"
said Norval ; " let us take the direction that seems
least likely." So seeing a placard marked " No
passage this way," they went straight down the
archway opposite it, and found themselves out-
ALL A BOARD. 83
side the station at once, and in a broad roadway.
The foot -pavement was in the middle of the
street, and the road on either side of it next the
houses, which would have been very inconvenient
had it not been that, as in Blundertown things
are quite different from other towns, the roadway
was beautifully clean. On the opposite side of
the street from the station there was a building
which, from its grand proportions and ornamental
style, the boys thought must be a palace. As
they stood looking at it, a black board, such as
they had often seen used at school for writing
sums on, made its appearance at the door and
gravely walked down the steps. The board had
two arms, one hand grasping a pointer, and the
other a piece of chalk and a towel. It came for-
ward, walking very clumsily with its wooden feet,
and the whole appearance was so ridiculous that
the boys could not help laughing. The board
seemed to see this somehow, raised his piece of
chalk and wrote on himself,
" Do you know who I am f "
8 4
SELF-IMPORTANT FRAME.
The boys confessed they did not. The board
raised the hand with the towel and wiped himself,
and then wrote,
" / am the School Board"
pointing to the words with a grand sweep of the
stick, as much as to say, "What do you think
SPLITTING WITH LAUGHTER. 85
of that ? " They were not at all overawed by
this great announcement, and the ridiculous
flourish of the pointer made them look at one
another and laugh again. At this the board
looked blacker than ever, and angrily wiping
himself wrote,
" You must make a bow to the board"
" Oh, all right ! " said Jaques; and they all made
a low mock bow, shaking with laughter. When
they raised their heads after bowing, they saw that
the board was wiped again, and that it wrote,
" If you do that you will break me"
"How can laughing break you ?" said Norval.
" Solvuntur risu tabula.
Boards are broken with laughter.
Free translation''
wrote the board.
" Well, then, we won't any more," said Norval ;
and they all kept down their laughter as well as
they could.
86 THE MEAN QUANTITY.
" That is kind," wrote the board. " We too
often have splits in our School Boards ; but as
you have stopped, I feel sound again."
" Feel sound ! surely you can't do that ; hear it,
you mean," said Jaques.
Board. " You mean what ? Finish your sen-
tence. Boards are generally thought extravagant,
and not mean."
Jaques. " I don't mean you're mean. I mean
you mean "
Board. " If you are doing a verb, it is
I mean. I mean.
not
Thou meanest. You mean."
Jaques. " But I did not intend to say that you
were mean or meanest ; indeed I didn't."
Board. " You said mean, didn't you ?"
Jaques. " Yes."
Board. " And you did mean to say mean."
Jaques. "Yes; but "
Board. " Stop. You did mean mean when
you said mean."
Jaques." Yes, but I didn't mean "
WHINE FROM THE WOOD. 87
Board. " Stop. If you did mean mean, how
can you say that you didn't mean ? "
J 'agues. " But when I say mean, I don't mean
the mean that you mean. You mean mean some-
thing ; it's unfair."
Board. " Not by any manner of means. You
need not put on an indignant mien in addition to
all the other means."
y agues. " But I mean to say that I did not
mean to say the mean that you mean, when you
say mean, but did mean the mean that isn't
mean."
Board. " Take care, young man ; you will be-
come a hopeless prodigal if you don't look better
after your means."
How long this kind of thing might have gone
on it is impossible to tell ; but it was put an end
to by a little boy coming out of the school, and
taking the School Board by the ear, saying
" What are you idling your time here for, sir ?
be off into school at once."
" Oh dear, sir ! please, sir," whined the board,
88 PRATING AND RATING.
as he piped, or rather pipeclayed, his eye, " 1
won't do it any more, sir. Let me off this time,
sir ; ah, you might, sir ! "
The boy let the board go, and it immediately
walked its chalks into school, wiping its eyes with
the towel. He then turned to our heroes, and
said politely
" These School Boards are a perfect nuisance,
what with the power of rating they have got, and
the power of prating they assume, things are
coming to a pretty pass."
In this our heroes thoroughly agreed with him.
" Perhaps you would like to step in and see our
mode of tuition."
They were quite proud at the idea of being
treated as visitors, like the grown-up ladies and
gentlemen who came to their own school, and
said they would like it very much, so the boy
led the way to the building.
Norval, thinking that a visitor should ask ques-
tions, said
" What branches do you teach ? "
THE MODERN SCHOOL. 89
" Oh, all kinds," answered the boy. " Growing
branches, green branches, lopped branches, rotten
branches, branches of the service, railway branches,
railway switches, courteous boughs, sprigs of
nobility, and many others. Do you twig ? "
" But what things do you teach ? "
"We don't teach them at all. Putting pupils
up to a thing or two is not approved of."
" But I mean what is your division of subjects?"
" We don't cut up subjects here ; we have no
anatomical class."
" But," said Norval, who had seen an educa-
tion report in a newspaper, "do you follow any
standard in your teaching ? "
"No, there's no flagging with us. We try to
keep in advance in our training ; we go in for the
truck system, so as to keep in the van."
They were now entering one of the class-rooms,
so that Norval's questioning was brought to a
close, leaving him quite as wise as he was before,
for which it is to be hoped he was sufficiently
grateful.
90 FRICASSEE.
The grammar lesson was going on, and in the
course of a few minutes they had illustrations of
various moods dull moods, sulky moods, cheer-
ful moods, rude moods, and good moods. They
also learned a new point in grammar that there
are an indefinite number of cases. Norval ob-
jected when this was stated ; but the teacher, who
had a dominiering look, though an M A ciated
Fellow, met his objection at once.
" Beg pardon, sir ; we do not in our modern
school submit to the teaching of old-fashioned
grammars. We stick to facts, sir to facts.
Thomas, prove to the gentleman that there are
more cases than are stated in the old grammars."
Thomas, who went by the nickname of Soft
Tommy being bred though not born a duffer
tried to look crusty, and did not rise.
"Case No. i, a case of obstinacy," said the
teacher, with a grand air. " Then there are sad
cases, strong cases, long cases, card-cases, cases of
conscience, cases of instruments, cases of divorce,
dressing-cases, hard cases, puzzling cases, pencil-
VIRUMQUE CANO. 91
cases, cases of brandy, cases of collision, packing-
cases, caucases, ukases, ca-sas "
How long he might have gone on nobody can
tell ; but the small boy that acted as conductor,
seizing a cane, began be-
labouring the teacher with
it most vigorously. The
master seemed to take this
quite as a matter of course
(as indeed the class did
also), and calmly brought
his speech to a close, say-
ing, in a voice broken by
sobs, " and lastly, for the present, a case of dis-
cipline."
The smallest boy in the class now walked
boldly forward, and said
" We've had plenty of your cases, and, in our
present mood, decline going on with this intense
sort of nonsense. Give us some history ; come on,
old boy ! " Saying this, he gave him a poke in the
ribs.
92 KNOTTY ARGUMENTS.
Our heroes could hardly help feeling a consid-
erably uncomfortable sensation at the thought
of what would have happened behind them had
they behaved to their teacher at home as the
class were doing; but instead of this one act-
ing as they would have expected, he turned and
said
" I beg your pardon, young gentlemen, if I have
detained you too long at grammar."
" Well, well, take care it does not happen
again," ran in a murmur through the class, as the
boys produced their history books.
" Now then, old stick in the mud ! " said the top
boy to the teacher, " read us that jolly bit about
the battle, and don't make any mistakes, or you'll
catch it." As he said this, he and all the other
boys pulled out their handkerchiefs, and made
them up with knots.
The reading began ; and the teacher, probably
from fear, made every now and then some trifling
blunder. Whenever this occurred, the whole
class rushed on him and belaboured him with
ARMA CANO. 93
the knotted handkerchiefs. Our heroes were at
first afraid he would be seriously hurt ; but as,
being a Board teacher, he paid no more attention
to the blows than if he had been made of wood,
they soon began rather to enjoy the scene. The
history lesson was as follows :
" Hannibal, at the head of the invincible
Roman legions, which had just got their rout,*
marched on Poke Stogis. His infantry was aug-
mented by an Amazon corps from the new British
Woman's Rights League, the special feature of
which was, that it allowed talking in the ranks,
and, indeed, used gossip and scandal as potent
means of defeating its foes. The cavalry, who
were greatly improved in musketry since one
General Shoot had got the command, were
mounted on highly-mettled steeds, cast by the
* It is perhaps not generally known that before troops march
forth to victory, they are first routed by the Quartermaster-Gene-
ral's Department. Should the reader think this a joke, he will
probably say it is a very poor one ; but if he will take the trouble
to ask any of his military friends, he will find that they think it
anything but a joke that they get routed so often. ED.
94 FOOLISH FEEDING.
Board of Ordnance, and splendidly broken, espe-
cially about the knees. On nearing Poke Stogis,
Hannibal was met by General Wattyler, who
commanded the king's troops. Hannibal, true to
the traditions of the house of Hapsburg, rode in
a Magna Carta a war-chariot invented by King
John when his subjects were taking liberties
while the General bestrode a 5o-inch by cycle that
had been presented to him by Ptolemy on the
occasion of the opening of the Fiji water-works,
at which the General, who was a freemason, had,
in Scotch parlance, proved himself a very wat
tyler indeed. The inhabitants of Poke Stogis,
as is usual in tropical countries, regaled the
troops on both sides with gooseberry-fool, after
which the battle commenced in a field, and in
earnest. After two hours' hard fighting, during
which splendid reinforcements arrived in Hansom
cabs from Connecticut and Pondicherry, and
after tossing up a halfpenny to decide which
army they should join, went half to one side and
half to the other, an adjournment took place for
COMMON-COUNCIL SCREWS. 95
luncheon, and another repast of sponge-cakes and
ginger-beer was provided by the energy of the
Major and Common Council of Poke Stogis, who,
with that true nobility which is the best evidence
of genuine rank, drew the corks with their own
hands. These additional draughts added greatly
to the strength of both sides, and
comforted the combatants much,
as they knew that those of them
who might fall in the battle had
their bier already provided for
them. Before resuming hostili-
ties, each commander addressed
his troops in a few soul-stirring
words. But small fragments of these celebrated
speeches have been handed down to the present
day ; yet these are so valuable, that it is thought
well here to reproduce them. Their noble senti-
ment and stirring patriotism may well cause them
to be engraven upon the hearts of the rising gen-
eration. Lest any words unworthy of the rest
should be inserted, it is thought preferable to
96 PRAVE 'ORDS.
leave blanks where the actual expressions are
not known. Hannibal said
on this occasion, it is with . . .
. . . . indeed, I may say ..... ten
thousand indeed, less and less
..... . may I not say . . . words
would fail me . . . . brave soldiers of the
. . . . enemy victory is
. . . . nay was . ... . perhaps may
be disgrace . . . . shall
add no more ....
" If these disjointed fragments convey so much,
well might it be asked, What may not the rest
have been ? The reader must answer this for
himself. Of General Wattyler's speech still less
has been preserved. In fact, but for forty-nine
h's, which the pious affection of the citizens of
Poke Stogis collected, and preserved in carbolic
acid, history would be a blank regarding it. All
honour to the men who spared no labour to pre-
serve to a grateful posterity these valuable records
of a warrior and a hero. When the memory of
WARM WORK. 97
thousands of greater places is lost in futurity, the
glory Poke Stogis has haitchieved in handing
down to us the droppings of a great warrior's lips
will be blazoned on the scroll of fame.
" The battle having recommenced, was so hot-
ly contested that the thermometer rose to 549
degrees of Fahrenheit, and 272 men on one side
perished, drowned in the surging tide of battle ;
while 74 of the opposing troops were roasted
(although it was Friday) before the slow fire of
the enemy. Both sides won a decisive victory,
and captured the whole of the enemy's artillery.
A noble pillar, i foot 7^ inches high, still marks
the spot on which Hannibal and Wattyler ad-
98 LIGHT CONDUCT.
justed the terms of the general order to the
troops, thanking them in the name of King Cole
(not the old one, but Parrot Cole, surnamed
the Chatterer) for the glorious stampede by
which they had turned the fortunes of the day.
The event was celebrated in Poke Stogis by a
grand illumination, in which seven bunches of
dips, four boxes of Bryant & May's matches, and
two rows of fusees were expended an extrava-
gance not often perpetrated by a corporation so
careful of the public money as that of Poke
Stogis. The people shouted till they were hoarse,
they belonging to the class that cheers though
not inebriates."
This concluded the history lesson, and the school
was then exercised in prose composition. Want
of space forbids the production of more than a
single specimen of the papers written ; but the
following is a fair one :
THEME. does parents desire to wed her to
Strephon, the eldest son of a noble house, and bid
her accept his suit. She, being in love with Alexis,
AWFULLY NICE.
99
the younger son, secretly meets him. They are dis-
covered. Cloe is rebuked for her heartlessness,
and Alexis languishes in a prison. Moral.
" In such a state from heat so great, Alexis
groaned and Cloe moaned, as through the wood,
in loving mood, they made their way, till close
of day ; when homeward turning with cheeks just
burning, to 'scape a shower they sought a bower,
in which they rested and playful jested, and did
discuss, promiscuous, their hopes and fears for
future years, till moon uprose and did disclose,
100
STOLEN SPOONS.
'neath graceful skirt, drawn up from dirt, her
ankle neat near two great feet,
to anxious Pa, who cried, ' Ha,
ha ! I've found you out ; ' then
with a shout, flew on her swain
and called his train, who held
the stripling in their grip, and
made him sleep in dungeon
deep ; while pretty Cloe wept
in woe, as angry mater did
soundly rate her, rustling with fuss, calling her,
' hussey, brazen jade, wer't not afraid ? how
couldst thou do't ? Lean to the suit of younger
son, devoid of money !
Secret wooings ! Hein !
pretty doings ! ' '
" MORAL. This may
suffice as good advice, to
lovers to keep skirts from
view, and draw their toes
well in sub rosa, when in
A BORED TEACHER. IOI
bower at evening hour, and making spoons by light
of moons."
When the prose composition was over, the
teacher was about to commence another lesson,
but the small boy who had been so active with
the cane before, coolly walked up to the desk,
took the teacher's watch out of his pocket, and
holding it up called out
" Mischief-class hour ! "
In a moment the air was full of shouts and yells,
slates and books, satchells and ink-bottles. Nor-
val and his brothers were quite picklish enough to
feel tempted to enjoy the fun ; but seeing that
the mischief was going far beyond what ought
to be joined in, he seized Jaques and Ranulf,
and made for the door. Fortunately for the boys,
the teacher was between them and the class on
their way out ; and two ink-bottles, five pieces of
india-rubber, a blotting-blad, and a handful of slate
pencil, that came flying in their direction, were
stopped by the body of the master, who, being
a Board teacher, was not, as the boys expected,
IO2 MIXED STORES.
floored by the missiles, but beamed pleasantly
as if all was oakay, and the sensation so deali-
cious, that he wood like some more treemen-
dously. Just as the boys were getting out at the
door, the whole class rushed upon the teacher,
and made him fast to the wall with his own
nails, where he stuck with a plank look on his
plane face, as if he was now bored through and
through. Somehow the whole thing seemed to
everybody engaged to be so ordinary an occur-
rence that the three boys felt no alarm, as they
would have done under other circumstances ; and
as they got out and shut the door, had a hearty
laugh at the ludicrous scene they had witnessed.
On reaching the street they began to stroll
through the town, amusing themselves by look-
ing in at the shop-windows. There was plenty
of food for merriment, as things were mixed up
in a very curious way. The contents of one
window were, a leg of mutton, the Children's
Friend, a bottle of senna, six farthing dips, two
bunches of radishes, an oyster, a wooden leg,
NO SHOP. 103
and a stuffed goose. In another, over which was
painted upside down " Rafe and Cestaurant," there
were a millstone, a wooden shoe, three india-rubber
goloshes, a can of train-oil, two white hats, a brass
knocker, and a dead cat. A shop marked " Plug-
gist, licensed by the Packulty," exhibited a drum,
two sucking pigs, a magic-lantern, five cocked-hats,
a green cotton umbrella, two packs of cards, a tin
soldier, and a frying-pan. The notices in the
windows were also very queer. One said, " No
credit given, except without security. Any per-
son paying ready money will be handed over
to the police." Close beside this was another :
" Price down from 55. to 75. gd. each." The
boys thought either sum would have been rather
dear, as the ticket was upon a common peg-
top, such as they had often bought for twopence.
Another label bore, "Try our Totalfailure Mix-
ture, strongly remmocended by the Boil College
of Imposicians." It would take too long to speak
of all the funny things they saw ; besides, it is
always bad taste to talk too much " shop." If
104 AUGHT OR NAUGHT.
any one would like to hear more on that subject,
he has only to address a polite note to
MESSRS NORVAL, JAQUES, RANULF, & COMPANY,
The Nurseryfun Works,
Skrumpshustown,
enclosing five thousand stamps, when he will re-
ceive by return of post a copy of the most amus-
ing shop-label they saw in Blundertown. If he
considers the price too high, let him remember the
poet's query
" What is aught but as 'tis valued ? "
and if he thinks the answer is Naught, he can
judge himself what is the difference, if N y.
Affairs in the street were quite as queer as in
the shops. While the boys were looking in at
a window, a silvery voice behind them called
out, " Stalest Tellacrams Last week's paper at
double price;" and turning round they saw a young
lady, dressed in perfect taste, the only blunders
about her being that she had no hair on her head
but her own, which was neither dyed nor bleached,
LADY PAS LAIDE. 105
nor combed down over her eyes a let pet terrier,
and that she walked like a human being, not as
ladies in the ordinary world do, with their heels
perched up on things like a couple of inches cut
off the legs of a chair, and wearing their dresses
so tight, that their knees seem to be tied together
with tape. A footman followed her, who had the
calves of his legs in front, and the tie of his
cravat at the back, and whose neck was not at
all stiff, but shook like a shape of calves-foot jelly.
106 CORDIAL BUMPERS.
He carried a quantity of newspapers, wrapped in
scented envelopes. Instead of getting pennies
for her newspapers, the young lady, whenever
anybody took one, curtsied low, and kissing her
hand, gravely gave them a penny, saying,
" Thanks, thanks a thousand, thousand thanks ;
Telegraphina will never forget your kindness."
The people, when they met in the street, in-
stead of passing, walked straight up to each
other, bumped one another heavily, and then
went on smiling as if all was right. While
Norval was gazing after the pretty young lady
with the newspapers, an old dame, with a reticule
on her head and a bonnet full of apples in her
hand, made straight at him. Norval got out of
the way, and she nearly fell on her nose, the
apples rolling out on the pavement.
" What a rude old man, to be sure ! " said she,
scowling at Norval.
" I only got out of the way, ma'am, if you mean
me by old man," said he.
" And what's the use of people who are not in
ANCIENT THOMAS. IOJ
the way when they are wanted ? " said she. " Old
men like you
" I'm not an old man," said Norval, interrupting.
" When were you born ? " said the old lady,
snappishly.
" Eight years ago," said Norval.
" Then you're eight years old." Norval did
not see any answer to this, and she went on,
" Does your papa ever tell lies ? "
" No," said Norval, indignantly.
" Doesn't he call you his little man sometimes ? "
M Yes."
" Then you're old and you're a man, so you're
an old man."
Norval did not quite see it " I don't feel old,''
he said.
"How can I know how you feel," replied the
old lady, " when you won't bump me ? Oh ! " she
added, screwing up her lips and clasping her
hands, " I do love a bumper ! Is your name
Tom ? "
" No," said Norval.
108 SCARCELY APARIENT.
" That's a pity ; there's no bumper like an old
Tom ; he's a noble spirit, always ginoowine."
" I can't follow you," said Norval.
" And did I say I wanted you to follow me ?
Gals have no followers here ; I only wanted my
regular bump."
Norval having a grandfather who was fond of
phrenology, had picked up a smattering, and was
just going to say that he thought it was only silly
people that wanted regular bumps, when suddenly
the old lady called out, " Where are my pears ?
there were four of them."
Jaques and Ranulf, who had picked up the
apples, had been standing ready to hand them
back to her ever so long.
" I beg your pardon," said Jaques, " they are
apples."
" I say they're pears," said the old lady, testily.
"How many have you ? "
" Eight," said Jaques.
" Well, and isn't that four pairs ? I always
like to buy them pared ; it saves knives and
COURTEOUS. 109
trouble," said she. " It's a pity that a boy like
you should be a beggar."
" I'm not a beggar," said Jaques.
" Didn't you beg my pardon ? "
" Yes."
" Those whobeg are beggars, that's sure," said she.
Just at this moment a policeman came up. He
took off his helmet, and making a low bow, said, " I
heard the word beg. May I take the great liberty
of inquiring whether any one has thought proper
to beg ? and if so, from whom, and for what ? If
for anything real, good and well ; but if merely
from politeness or courtesy, then to be visited
with the utmost severity of the law."
Jaques, who had always been taught fearlessly
to speak the truth, said at once, " I begged the old
lady's pardon," half doubting what would happen.
To his great surprise the policeman turned round
sharp on the old lady, and asked, " Did this boy
beg your pardon ? "
" Yes," said she.
" Then, madam, with peelings of the deepest
IIO XPLAINING.
fain, it is my duty to inform you that you must at
once be led to the court."
" The court ! " screamed the old lady ; " it has
been my ambition for fifty years to be courted,
and now it has come at last."
"It has, madam ; you are now about to be
presented at court by the aid of the police. Will
your Majesty deign to proceed ? "
" Majesty ! " said she; " I can't understand it."
" Let me endeavour to make it plain," said the
constable, with a wave of his hand like a profes-
sor lecturing. " Will your gracious Majesty deign
to inform me whether I am correct in saying that
this boy begged your pardon ? "
" Yes."
" And would your Highness further permit me
to inquire whether it is or is not a fact that beg-
ging is contrary to law ? "
"Yes."
" May I also be suffered humbly and respectfully
to put the question, whether anybody can pardon
people for breaking the law, except the Queen ? "
EVERY INCH A QUEEN. Ill
" No."
" Then I reverentially request permission of
your gracious Majesty to point out that as you
were asked to pardon when he broke the law, you
must be the queen."
" But I've got no crown," said she, quite puzzled.
" I must be condescendingly excused for ven-
turing to differ from your Serene Highness. If
you will feel for it, you will find you have a crown
to your head."
" Why, so I have," said she, and suddenly draw-
ing herself up, and assuming an air of most ridic-
ulous dignity, added, " What, ho ! bring hither
my sceptre."
The boys could scarcely keep in their laughter,
and the difficulty increased when the policeman
produced his baton, and going down on one knee
handed it to the old lady, who immediately aimed
a fierce blow at his head, crying,
" Down with every one that has a crown except
myself ! "
The policeman mildly replied, " Your Majesty,
112 A BOUNDING JOY.
I haven't got a crown in the world ; my missus
doesn't allow me more than 4 and 9 a-week for
pocket-money."
11 Just as well for you ; those who are limited to
four and ninepence can feel proper respect for
a sovereign,"
said the old
lady; " now
for our court."
So saying, she
began to per-
form a most
wild minwt de
la cour, the po-
liceman beat-
ing time with
his hands.
Then order-
ing him to take off his greatcoat, she fastened it
on as a train, and set off for the court
The policeman went first, playing a grand march
on a Jew's harp, which he produced from his
RUNNING MELODY. 113
pocket. It was as big as a fire-shovel, but this
did not matter, as he had a mouth reaching from
ear to ear. The old lady followed, holding her
baton-sceptre up, and with her long, sharp chin
cocked so high in the air that you could have
hung a hat upon it. The policeman's music made
her quite lively, and she began to sing, with a
chorus to each verse, which ran thus,
Hey tiddy - iddy - tiddy, Hey tiddy - iddy - tiddy,
Hey tiddy - iddy - tiddy, turn - turn - turn.
during the singing of which she skipped about from
one side to the other in a most lively manner.
I never thought to see
The day I queen should be ;
It's come at last, however,
You well may cry " I never ! "
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
Nor I, but still it's poz,
However strange, because
" H
114 SOVEREIGN SPECIFICS.
Policeman says 'tis so ;
X is 'xact, you know.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
Our reign shall last so long,
You'll need umbrellas strong ;
Woe to the minion's skin
Who sports a gingham thin !
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
A sovereign we shall be,
Ruling land and sea
In straighter lines than youc
Ould find in copy-book.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
We'll have a Parliament
Cake and wine event
Every day or two,
Invites select and few.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
To have a feast of rea
Son at our royal tea ;
Likewise a flow of soul,
By Punch from royal bowl.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
And nominate a Prime
Minister of rhyme j
BAND-DITTY. 115
Pros and Cons shall banished be,
Except conundrums after tea.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
Look out for famous sport,
For we are going to court ;
So bachelors beware,
And let no caitiff dare
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
Refuse our royal suit
Of livery, and put
On his own airs instead,
Or off shall go his head.
Hey tiddy iddy tiddy, &c., &c.
Each time the old lady took up the chorus,
she skipped about from one side to the other
with a briskness that did her credit ; and as she
marched and tripped along the street, the police-
men she passed joined the procession, each pro-
ducing an instrument from his pocket, so that
soon the old lady had a band before her, playing
most vigorously on the following :
A Jew's Harp.
A Penny Trumpet.
n6
BATONS D'ORCHESTRE.
Three Threepenny Fid-
dles.
A Handbell.
Two Twopenny Flutes.
A Mouth Accordion.
A Triangle.
A Pair of Bones ;
and the inspector led
the band, with his hat
fastened to his waist-
belt, keeping them to
their beat by drumming
in a spirited manner on
the crown of it with a
pair of batons.
The boys tried very
hard to find out what the
tune of the verses was,
but could make nothing
of it. All the melody
seemed to rest in the
DECIDED HITS. 1 17
chorus instead of running through the song. The
people in the streets, however, were evidently
greatly delighted with it, as, the moment the
procession came within hearing, they all stood
still and began gravely to beat time with their
sticks and umbrellas, those who had none wagging
their heads up and down, like China mandarins.
The boys laughed heartily when they saw several
dozen umbrellas, sticks, and heads solemnly wav-
ing about, while the policemen squeaked and
croaked, banged and tinkled, on their instruments,
and the people slowly turned round their backs
and bowed low to the houses as the old lady
passed. Whenever she, in skipping about, came
near any of the people who were bowing, she took
a rise out of them by administering a sound whack
with the baton-sceptre, which knocked them down,
shouting, " Rise, Sir What's-your-name Thing-
ammy," which the poor fellows did with a very
beknighted look. Presently they arrived at a
large building, at the door of which the police-
men turned aside to let the old lady enter, and
Il8 A THUMPING GAL.
having played a final flourish, repocketed their
instruments. The old lady on reaching the door
turned round, and finding the policeman who had
given her the baton waiting, she grasped it firmly,
saying
" I'll give it to you," and, suiting the action to
the utterance, she brought it down bang as hard
as she could, as he bowed low, so that he fell flat
on the pavement.
" Rise, Sir Charle "
" Stop, stop ! " he cried ; " don't turn a day con-
stable into a knight."
GIVE AND TAKE. 119
" Back to your beat," said she, majestically.
" I think it's rather beat to my back," replied
he, although, curiously enough, he did not ap-
pear at all discomposed or hurt.
" Take yourself up."
" We take others up, not ourselves ; besides,
you've battened me down."
" Oh, you downy fellow ! "
" Yes, you can't get a rise out of me, that's plain."
" X plain yourself," said she.
" No pretty Bobby-she should say," said he.
" Move on ! " cried she " move on, siree ! "
" Peeler of the State, I stands," said he.
Suddenly some one rushed out at the door
(knocking the old lady so that she tumbled over
the policeman), and coming up to the boys said,
" Are you judges of sweet things ? "
" I should rather think so," replied Jaques.
" Then come along at once," said he ; and be-
fore they had time to think, he hurried them up-
stairs into a room where three pompous-looking
attendants in white coats and enormous black
120 GETTING A WIGGING.
neckcloths dressed them up in grand robes, put
immense full-bottomed wigs on their heads, and
opening a door, pointed to three large chairs.
The boys went in and sat down on the chairs,
while everybody in the court rose up, making a
low bow, and a crier called out
" All persons, without any further ado before
my Lords the Justices of Assize so small Boyer
and Determiner, and Jug ale Delivery, draw beer
and give to attendants."
This announcement about beer might have ap-
peared to be an aberration on the crier's part, had
it not been that, as is usual in criminal courts,
there were plenty of queer mugs among the people
in the building.
The boys hardly knew what to think of their
new position. Norval and Jaques were rather
overawed by their robes. Ranulf had got between
his brothers, and so was seated in the Lord Chief
Justice's chair. At first he looked as grave as a
judge, which was just what he ought to have done
in the circumstances ; but after a little he glanced
COURT BEAUTY.
121
mm.
round at Norval, and
seeing him in his wig,
which came down to
his waist, was just on
the point of bursting
out laughing, when the
Clerk of Court, who
wore green goggles as
large as macaroons,
peered over the Bench
122 A SWEET THING.
from below, saying, " If yer Ludship pleases," and
sat down again.
"I hope I do please," said Ranulf. " Papa al-
ways bids us try to please."
"Your Lordship pleases me very much," said a
charming voice from the prisoner s dock, in which
stood a lovely lady, dressed in full Court costume,
feathers and all, who kissed her daintily-gloved
hand to Ranulf.
" But I thought we were brought here as judges
of sweet things," said Jaques.
The Clerk of Court peering over the bench
again, said, " 'Xac'ly so, m' Lud ; the sweetest
thing in prisoners we've had for a long time,
m' Lud," and sat down again.
" What is she charged with ? " said Norval.
" P'tty lasseny, m' Lud."
" Pretty lasseny ! " said Jaques aside to Norval.
" I am sure she is guilty of that."
" But," said Norval, " what is she charged with
doing ? "
" Stealing a heart, m' Lud."
Norval, who had once been in court at a trial,
QUEER QUERIES. 123
thought the right thing to do was to take a note ;
so, seizing an enormous pen that was on the
bench, he wrote, repeating aloud as he went on,
" Prisoner charged with stealing a tart."
" The person who stole tarts was a knave, and
I thought a knave was a man ? " said Ranulf.
" Yes," said Norval ; " but you know the women
want to do what the men do nowadays."
" I've heard of their wanting rights," said Jaques ;
" but stealing isn't a right, it's a wrong, isn't it ? "
" Never mind," said Norval ; "it won't do to
appear not to understand. Ranny, you're the
old judge, you know, because you're in the middle,
so you must ask the questions. You had better
ask what the prisoner's name is. Now, look
grave," said he, as he observed the dimples in
his brother's cheeks beginning to show again.
Ranulf pursed his lips up very tight, and then
said, " I want to know what the pretty lady's
name is ? "
" No, no," said Norval; "prisoner."
" I want to know the pretty prisoner's name ? "
said Ranulf.
124 STEAK TART.
" No, no -just prisoner," said Norval ; " say it
again."
" Well, then, I want to know the just prisoner's
name ? " said Ranulf.
" Just so, m' Lud," said the Clerk, bobbing up ;
" prisoner's name is Victoria Lawsenj. Yer Lud-
ship had better ask her to plead."
Norval whispered to Ranulf, " Tell her she's
charged with stealing a tart. Ask whether she is
guilty or not guilty."
Ranulf looked as grave as he could, and said
" Victoria Lawsenj, you are charged with stealing
a tart "
" Beg pardon, m' Lud," said the Clerk, starting
up ; " some m'stake, my Lud "
Ranulf began again, " Victoria Lawsenj, you
are charged with stealing a tart and some
steak."
" Must pray yer Ludsh'p t' excuse me 'gain ; "
" yer Ludship said tart and steak."
" Was that the wrong order ? " said Ranulf,
meekly ; " then I'll say steak and tart."
NOTA DOUBT OF IT. 125
" But, m' Lud, the steak is a mistake, and the
tart is another."
" Very well," said Ranulf ; " I'll say that she is
charged with stealing a female steak cow-beef
and that the tart was not really a tart but a beef-
steak pie."
" But, m' Lud," said the Clerk ; " really, m'
Lud, yer Ludship knows best, m' Lud, of course ;
but, m' Lud, I would suggest that your Ludship
said tart instead of heart."
Here Norval, remembering what he had seen
in court, broke in, " But tart is right ; it must be
right I've got it in my notes."
This completely flabbergasted the Clerk, who
gasped a feeble " M' Lud," and sank down in his
seat in despair.
Jaques, practical as usual, whispered to Ranulf,
" Never mind whether it's a tart or a heart; just say,
' You are charged with stealing a tart, or a heart,
or something. Are you guilty or not guilty ? ' '
Ranulf took this advice ; and turning to the lady,
who was gracefully fanning herself, he asked her
126 WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER.
the question, only he got confused towards the end,
and made it " Are you gilded or not gilded ? "
" Oh, my Lord," said the lady, " there's no gilt
about me ; I'm as true as steel."
Up started the Clerk.
" Take down, m' Lud, that she says it's true she
stole."
" No, I didn't ; I only steeled," said she.
" Steeeled ! " said the Clerk, contemptuously ;
" how do you spell ' steeeeled ' ? "
" S-t-e-e-1-e-d, you old goose ! "
" Yer Ludship sees how bad she is ; her man-
ner's bad, her grammar's bad, and her spelling's
bad. Your Ludship had better add another
count for murder."
" Murder of what ? " said Jaques.
" The Queen's English, m' Lud."
" That would be a great many murders, for
there are more than thirty million English," said
Jaques, who had learned the population in his geo-
graphy book ; " how could she murder so many?"
The Clerk was quite puzzled at this, and tried
BRUTAL BOXING. 127
to look as wise as he could, which was not very
wise, but otherwise. There was a long pause,
during which the prisoner ate an ice and drank a
cool beverage that were brought to her by a pow-
dered footman, after which she looked brighter
and lovelier than ever, while everybody else in
court was miserable with stuffiness and heat.
" Could not we have ices too ? " said Ranulf,
eyeing the tray eagerly.
The footman said nothing, but turning round
made a low bow, walked up to the bench, and as
the boys held out their hands for ices, gravely
shook his head, made another low bow, and
walked out.
By this time the Clerk had recovered himself,
and a jury having been called, they were got into
the jury-box. This was a matter of some diffi-
culty, as the box was made without any door, and
the jurymen were seized by ushers and thrown
over the partition, tumbling in a confused heap.
When the whole twelve had been thrown over,
they presented a sorry spectacle of torn clothes
128
CASE FOR PLAINTIFF.
and dusty faces. There were no seats in the box,
but the ushers threw in some chairs on the top
of the jurymen, who appeared to take all as
a matter of course.
The plaintiff was then
called forward, and a
large wooden box
placed over him by
the ushers, who pad-
locked it down and
then sat on the top
of it.
" Why do you lock him up ? " said Jaques.
JACK IN THE BOX. 129
" Shall 'ave to beg yer Ludship's pardon, ' said
the Clerk ; " we don't lock him up, we lock him
down."
" But why do you put him under a case ? " said
Jaques.
" To prevent him getting up case, m' Lud."
Jaques himself seemed rather shut up at this,
and Norval, moved again by what he had once
seen at a trial, said, " What is your name ? "
" John," said the voice, out of the box.
" It should be Jack, when he's in a box,
shouldn't it ? " said Ranulf ; " and he ought to start
up, oughtn't he ? "
" Oh, he will be sure to do that," said the lady ;
"he always was an upstart, indeed he was, my
dear Lord, I mean," said she, correcting herself
with a smile.
" John What ? " Norval went on.
" No, my name's not John What," said the
voice from the box ; " it's John Doe."
" That's strange," said Jaques ; " I thought the
case was about a heart, not about a doe."
i
130 LONGITUDE.
" Yes, my Lud, but the charge is that she stole
a Doe's heart," said the Clerk.
" Doe and hart, hart and doe ; I don't think I'll
ever understand it," said Ranulf, with a sigh.
" P'raps if yer Ludship would keep in mind
that in Doe versus Roe "
" Oh dear, oh dear ! here's a roe now ; that's
another staggerer/' cried Jaques.
" Never mind," whispered Norval " look sol-
emn, and make believe you know all about it."
The examination of John Doe then began.
" How long have you known the prisoner ?"
" Various lengths. I have known her from 2
feet 3 inches long to 5 feet 7^ inches long, as
she is now. But even now she is sometimes
pretty short with me. I've known her so long, in
short, that the longer I knew her the more I
got to long after her."
"Well, I don't want to know anything about
long after ; I mean, when did you first come
across her ? "
" I cross her ! I never crossed her in my life
A TROUBLESOME TIME. 131
She had her own way as long as I knew her ; it
was she that was cross with me."
" But I want to know the length of your ac-
quaintance ? "
" Some of my acquaintances are long and some
short."
" How shall I put it ? Tell me, once for all,
when you first met her."
" When I first met her ? I met her when I least
expected it."
" Really this is intolerable. I want you to tell
me what was the time at which your first meeting
took place."
" Wild thyme, I think ; but I'm no botanist, you
know."
" Tut, tut ! At what period of time was
it?"
"It wasn't a period of thyme, it was a bank of
thyme."
" Will you answer, sir ? Give me the date of
your first meeting."
"We had no dates at our first meeting, only
132 PUNY JUDGES.
raisins ; and we ate them all, so I cannot give you
any."
" A fig for your dates and raisins ! I wish I
could get at the raison d'etre of your answers.
How can I put the question ? "
" That's just what I want to know. How can
you put such stupid questions ? "
LOUD LAUGHTER IN COURT. 133
" M ? Lud, what am I to do ? I can make no-
thing of this witness."
Norval, who had learned a little Latin, replied,
" Do you mean that you can annihilate him ? "
" No, m' Lud, but I can't make head or tail of
him."
" Never mind his head, and let him manage his
own tail. Perhaps he's a bit of a wag."
" Very well, m' Lud. Now, then, tell your story."
"I'm not a story-teller. I always tell the
truth."
" Yes, yes, but come on with your own tale."
" Tail ! I haven't a tail. I'm not one of your
Darwin monkey-people."
The lady in the dock gave such a merry
laugh at this, that she infected the whole court.
Ranulf went into such fits, that his wig slipped
down to his chin, and an usher had to come up
to the bench and slap him on the back to bring
him round. Norval recovered first, and putting
on as grave a face as he could, said to Jaques and
Ranulf, " Don't be silly ; judges are always stern
IJ4 OER ME STEELING.
and grumpy, so we must be too ; and turning to
John Doe, said, " What is your complaint against
her ? Did she steal your heart ? "
" No, my Lord ; it was her own heart."
" Her own heart ! How can that be ? How
could her own heart be stolen by her ? "
" I never said it was stolen, my Lord, I only said
she steeled it."
" Surely that's bad grammar, again," whispered
Jaques.
" But I want to know," said Norval, " how could
she steal what was her own ? "
" Well, my Lord, you see I gave her my whole
heart."
" Gave it her ? I thought you charged her
with stealing it ? "
" No, my Lord, never ! It was her own she
steeled."
" Well, well," said Norval, " go on ; try to ex-
plain it in your own way."
" This was the way, my Lord ; I wanted her to
be my sweetheart."
OFFERING AMENDS. 135
" That's right, my Lord," said the lady ; " and
I was tart without the sweet, I admit."
" Yes, my Lord, a regular Tartar ; when I gave
her my whole heart, she steeled hers against
me."
" True," said the prisoner ; " your Lordship
must know he came with so much brass, that I
could only meet him with irony, particularly as I
fancied he was after the tin."
Practical Jaques here broke in once more, say-
ing, " Would it not put the matter all right if
she gave you back your heart ? "
" Oh, but, my Lord, I gave her my whole heart,
and she's broken it."
" That need not be a difficulty," said the lady ;
."I'll soon put it together; I'm very good at a
patchwork quilt."
The Clerk, who had been dozing, wakened up
once more at this, and said, " She admits her
guilt, m' Lud."
" You make a Qurious mistake," said the
lady ; " I said quilt, not guilt."
136
THE BOUNDING DOE.
The Clerk was off to sleep again, so made no
answer.
" My Lord," said the lady, " here is his heart ;
I have offered it back to him often, but he always
said he did not want it, he wanted mine."
So saying, she pulled out of a neat little chate-
FROM BOX TO BOX. 137
laine bag which hung at her side a small bundle
wrapped up in silver paper.
" Are you willing to give it back to him ?" said
Jaques.
" With all my heart," said she.
No sooner were these words uttered than a
tremendous hurrah rang out from the box in
which the witness was enclosed, and John Doe
proved the upstart character Victoria had given
him, by bursting the lid of the box open and
starting up in the air, sending the ushers upon it
flying, and, jumping out on the floor, he rushed
up to the dock and gave the prisoner a great hug.
To this she replied by giving him a tremendous
box on the ear.
" What ! " said he, " did you not say you would
give me all your heart with my own ? "
"Well, you have me there," said she; "but
you must take the whole or none. When you
asked for my heart, you asked for my hand as
well, and you must take the one with the other,"
giving him another box on the ear.
138 OH, GOODY!
The curious thing was, that from each box a
number of little round things fell with a clatter
and scattered themselves on the floor.
The noise woke the Clerk, who, starting up,
called out, " Silence in the court ! "
The hubbub still continuing, he shouted, " What
is all this?"
" Oh, nothing," said the lady, skipping out of
the dock, and administering a box on the ear to
the Clerk ; " only boxes of Victoria Lawsenj's."
BEST MIXTURES.
139
" Lozenges ! " shouted the jury. " Oh, give me
some ! " cried everybody.
" Certainly," said she ; and before you could
count 10, the whole of the jury, counsel, ushers,
140 VICTORIA'S RAIN.
and spectators were sprawling on the ground,
showers of lozenges falling in all directions, thus
once more demonstrating what every one knows,
that there's no rain like Victoria's, and that Royal
Boxes often contain the sweet. As everybody
scrambled after the lozenges, the whole court be-
came a scene of confusion. The boys, however,
who had a notion that judges must be dignified,
remained quite still, only peering over their desks
to see what was going on. As the boxes con-
tinued, the court got ankle-deep in lozenges, in
which the people tumbled about, cramming them
into their mouths and pockets by handsful. The
pile rose so high that Ranulf could resist the temp-
tation no longer, but with his long pen drew a
lozenge towards him, and keeping as grave as he
could, stooped down and picked it up. As he
had been taught not to be selfish, he broke it
in three and handed two of the pieces to Norval
and Jaques. They were just going to eat them,
when the lady called out
" Oh, boys, surely you would not eat what was
VIRTUE REWARDED. 141
picked up off the floor ! that would be being bad
judges of sweet things."
They stopped at once. Ranulf could not help
casting a wistful eye at his bit of lozenge, but get-
ting the better of himself, he threw it down, and
the others did the same.
" That's right/' said the lady; " so now you will
not get a Victoria Lawsenj box on the ear, like
the other stupid people tumbling about there :
here are some nice clean sweetmeats for you."
So saying, she handed each of the boys a lovely
little box, made of chased gold and blue enamel,
and marked out in diamonds on the lid, " Genuine
our own manufacture." A prompt " Thank
you" came from each judge's desk; and on the
boxes being opened, the boys found in them, not
the common lozenges that were flying about
the floor, but most lovely bonbons, which
tasted more delicious than any they ever had
before.
Meanwhile the scene in court baffled descrip-
tion. Everybody was cramming himself with
142 PREPARE TO CHARGE.
lozenges, which, strangely enough, set them cough-
ing furiously.
" Don't you think we had better get out of this
Babel ? " said the lady.
" I think so," said Ranulf ; " but how can we
doit?"
" Oh, well," said she, " I will manage it ; I will
even charge the jury, if necessary."
So saying, she took little Ranulf up in her arms,
and telling the other boys to keep close behind
her, turned and said to the jury
" Now it is quite evident you have agreed, by
the way you are over-eating yourselves, so you
can return your verdict"
" No," said the foreman, " don't hurry us ; we
are not ready."
" Oh, come, that's nonsense ; surely you can give
it tout de suite, after swallowing so much sugar."
" Well, we must be charged first."
" Oh, I'll charge you."
" But how ? "
" At ever so great a rate."
CHARGING THE JURY. 143
" Stop a minute ! " cried one.
" I seconds that motion," said another.
" The motion of seconds is too fast for minutes
to be stopped ; besides, they don't belong to us,
not being hours, so we have no right to stop them."
So saying, she charged across the court, tumbling
the jury over on the top of John Doe in the
middle of the lozenges.
" Don't do that," gasped the jury, " and we will
pay you whatever your charge may be."
" Oh, there's nothing to pay for the lozenges,
We don't sell ourselves, we only sell other people !
Ta, ta," said the lady, and led the boys out at the
door. On reaching the entrance, she bid them
good-bye, at which they looked rather blank, as
they had hoped she would stay with them ; and
seeing this, she said
" My dear boys, I cannot come with you, as it
is time for afternoon tea, and I must have that.
T comes before U, does it not ? " So saying, she
kissed them, and passed them out at the door.
As they stepped into the street a voice shouted,
144 OMINOUS BUS.
" Take your seats, take your seats ! Blunderbus
just going off! "
The boys turned round and saw a short fat
gun, evidently an infant of the Woolwich infant.
On a sign on the wall opposite it was painted
-DOUBLE ACTION BLUNDERBUS CO Y -
(unlimited)."
" Why does it point up so much?" asked Jaques.
" Well, ye see, sir, the street 'ere is pretty steep;
that's how it'z erranged mortar-like."
" Which way is it going ? " asked Norval, not
wishing to return by the street they had already
walked along.
" Both ways," said the conductor. " H inside
passengers one way, houtside t'other."
" How do you manage that ? " asked Norval.
" H improved happlication of Mongrieff's re-
coil utilizer. When we goes hoff, hinside passen-
gers blown to Hattems, houtside recoils with shock
and 'orrer in hopposite d'rection."
The boys at once resolved they would not go
inside, but from curiosity ran round to look into
MISS MANAGE MEANT IT. 145
the gun. They found, packed very tight in it,
three wooden soldiers, a grate party with two
brass dogs at his feet, a dancing nigger, a Miss
Manage who, being on her way to an archery
meeting, had a beau by her side a dumb-waiter,
and a snob.
This reassured the boys, who, not wishing to
go up the steep street towards which the gun
pointed, clambered on to the top. They were
scarcely seated, when a clown with a red-hot poker
rushed out of the coach-office, and applied the
end to the touch-hole. Immediately there is a
fearful bang, and the Blunderbus starts back-
wards. The inside passengers fly down the street
helter-skelter, except Miss Manage, who keeps her-
self collected, shooting out gracefully a la Zazel,
being, alas ! a sell for her beau, who wishes to cut
his stick ; but she, without a quiver even in her
eyelid, holds on to him as he talks of flight, turning
ashy pale at such a narrow escape. Not having
forgotten the excellent rule to have two strings to
your beau, she had made a bolt impossible.
K
146
AGUNNY.
The dumb-wait-
er, cured by what
would make most
people speechless
(a proof of the
truth of homoeo-
pathy), flew in all
directions, shout-
ing " Yessir, yes-
sir ! " The wood-
en soldiers
pulled them-
selves to-
gether for a
moment to
salute an
officer who
was passing,
which they
did with the
DOUBLE ACTION
BLUMfRBVSGMHUn
(.UNLIMITED)
HEAVY BACKING.
147
wrong hand, and then sped on in more fragments
than before. The grate party was smashed so
small that even his dogs did not know him ; the
nigger's nether limbs went off down the street by
themselves, and were at once apprehended as black-
legs by the police, while the rest of him formed a
kind of Black's Atlas upon the pavement. The
snob, as was natural, disappeared in any number
of vulgar fractions.
The Blunderbus ran back at a great pace for
a mile, butting over two Papal bulls, sending spin-
ning mules without number, and ended by knock-
ing ten feet out of a square yard, in which a regi-
ment of soldiers was
being drilled.
Our trio, who had
been rather alarmed du-
ring their ride, jumped
off the gun the mo-
ment it stopped, and, as
boys will always do,
ran off to look at the soldiers. On getting near
148
SUCH A STATE.
they were surprised to see that each man had a
nigger lady beside him. While they were wonder-
ing what this could mean, the Colonel, who wore a
shell jacket, and had a husky voice, rode up on a
clothes-horse, and handed Norval a parade state,
which was as follows :
TWOTY-TENTH BoSHSHiRE RUFFS, ^]th Marchuary 7718.
Kernels, . .
Present
with
Leave.
Present
without
Leave.
Absent
in
Mind.
Absent
in
Body.
Tea
Tottles.
I#
I#
Ragers, . . .
2#
2
*
Catpins, . . .
7.09
5
2.09
Bluelandlords,
10
10
o
Scar Gents,
15.4
154
Noodlers, . .
II
ii
Fank and Rile,
550-7
550-7
T Tottles, .
Add
them up
for your
self.
A. NUTT,
Kernel of the Core.
BROWN BESSIES. 149
" How is it," said practical Jaques, who observed
that the men had only wooden guns, " that your
men have no rifles ? "
"Well, sir, we don't go in for new-fangled
notions here," said the Colonel ; " we hold on
to our Brown Bessies, as you see."
All the nigger ladies grinned tremendously at
this, and called out, " Ya ! ya ! dat all right, Massa
Kurnel."
" Will you keep those brown Bessiers stock-
still ? " shouted the Colonel to the men ; " if you
don't, you shan't have any ball."
At this everybody looked very blank, and the
Brown Bessies became suddenly immovable. The
Colonel then gave the word of command
" Boshshire Roughs,
'SnuN."
All the men at once turned away, and put their
hands in their pockets, displaying the most con-
temptuous indifference to the brown ladies, who
now were all attention and smiles, trying to coax
the men to turn to them again.
150 GREAT SHAKES.
" Will you inspect the corps ? " said the Colonel.
The boys walked down to the end of the line,
whereupon the band, which consisted of one fife
and 29 triangles, struck up
Tinkle, tinkle, little Shah,
Did you ever see a nigger with a white papa?
Pickaninny here and pickaninny da,
You'll never find a single darkey, ha, ha, ha !
As they came near the line, the Colonel took
from his pocket a magnifying-glass as big as the
crown of a hat, and handed it to Norval, who
asked
" What am I to do with it ? "
At this question the entire regiment burst into
a tremendous guffaw, laughing till the tears ran
down their cheeks, and the whole line was a
scene of pocket-handkerchiefs, each being as big
as a Turkish-bath towel, and as there was a high
wind, of course this caused a great fluttering and
shaking. The boys thought this very unlike the
soldiers they had been accustomed to see, particu-
larly as the officers and sergeants laughed and
HE LIKE A SOLDIER FELL. 151
shook more than the men, and the Colonel, going
off into a broad grin, laughed and grew so fat that
his very steed became infected, and losing half
its understanding and all its breeding, indulged
in a horse-laugh, which shook it so that when the
rider fattened, it sank under his weight, bringing
him plump to the ground. A fatigue party had
to come to his assistance, and when he had been
propped up by two long crutches, one on each
152 SMALL BY DEGREES, ETC.
side of his horse, he tried to speak, but could
scarcely get on for laughing.
" You want, ha, ha, ha ! to know, ho, ho, ho !
what the big glass is for ? "
" Yes."
" Well, you see, ah, ha, ha, ha ! it's because of, ha,
ha, ha, ha ! Mr Sadpebble and Lord Guardsell."
" Who are they ? "
" Oh ! they, ha, ha, ha ! were the mime primister
and skekentary of skate for raw, ho, ho, ho ! "
" But what have they to do with the glass ? "
" They managed things so, you see, ha, ha, aha,
ha, ha ! that everything was getting small, ho, ho,
ho ! the regiments were getting smaller, and the
men were getting smaller, and the chests were
getting smaller, and the efficiency was getting
smaller, and the contentment was getting smaller,
ha, ha, ha, ha ! so they, ha, ha ! they, ha, ha, ha !
they, ah, ha, ha, ha ! they took to military spec-
tacles to make things look better."
" But surely no one would be deceived by
that?"
A LAME HALT. 153
" Oh yes, ha, ha, ha ! they deceived the general.'*
" Which general ? " said Jaques.
" Oh, we've only one general here General
Public he's the boy for mobilisation, oh, haha,
haha, ha ! "
He laughed so loud and shook so much that
the crutches, trembling under him, stuck in the
ground, and his horse, walking off, left him up in
the air between the crutches. This did not seem
to disconcert him at all, but brandishing his
sword, he shouted
" Battalion, halt ! "
As the regiment was standing still already, the
boys thought this a very funny order to give ; but
they were more surprised still when they saw the
whole line set off marching, all limping as if they
had blistered feet.
" Very well, very steadily done," said the
Colonel, as they came bobbing and limping
towards him, like a lot of ducks in a thunder-
storm. Presently, on their coming close to him,
he shouted
154 PUSSIAN TACTICS.
11 Double ! "
At this they all turned round and went off in
the opposite direction, limping slower and slower.
" Surely that's wrong," said Jaques ; " that's
right about turn ; they should have gone straight
on and faster."
" Not at all," said the Colonel ; " in our move-
ments we follow Levrett's manoeuvres."
" But that's not the way to double march," said
Jaques.
" Oh yes, it is. Did you ever see a March
hare double ? Well, we double just as he does.
Pussian tactics, you know."
Without waiting for an answer he cried
" Discharge ! "
and gallantly going at the head of his men on his
crutches, shouted " Victory ! " After they were
brought to a stand at one end of the ground, he
gave the order
" Stand a tease ! "
Upon this the Brown Bessies turned round upon
the men and began to plague them most hor-
LOOK TO YOUR DRESSING. 155
ribly, pulling their hair, poking fingers into their
ears, and pricking them with pins. The men
stood it for some
time wonderfully,
but at last began
to bawl out.
" No bawl prac-
tice without my
orders ! " shouted
the Colonel ; and
then tremendously
loud
" ALL DRESS ! "
Everybody im-
mediately stopped.
The Brown Bessies
at once produced
combs and brushes,
and commenced a
vigorous hair-dressing, and the men began putting
on white kid-gloves.
" What is the meaning of that ? " said Ranulf.
156 PRESTO! CHANGE!
" Preparing for ball practice," said the Colonel.
" In our tactics we go in for leading the enemy a
pretty dance. That's far the best way."
" Change ranks ! "
he shouted. The boys could not afterwards make
out how it had happened, but the Colonel had
scarcely given this order when, instead of being on
the dull, dingy parade-ground, they stood on a most
lovely floor that seemed all to be made of ivory
inlaid with gold. The Brown Bessies were brown
no longer, but fair ladies beautifully dressed ; the
men were in splendid costumes ; the band had no
triangles, but discoursed most lovely music. The
boys, looking round, saw they were in an immense
hall, lighted by ten thousand wax candles ; and
as all the walls were mirror, the brilliant scene
repeated itself as far as the eye could see,
and probably further. But the most beautiful
thing of all was, that when the ladies and gentle-
men began to dance, instead of bouncing about in
a crowd, bumping and knocking one another,
each couple floated from the ground, gliding along
SOMETHING LIKE DANCING. 157
in the air smoothly and gracefully ; and as the
music rose and fell, fast and then slow, they flew,
now in joyous bounds, now gracefully circling in
soft dreamy waves, now whirling with birdlike
speed, anon wafted along like a gossamer borne
on the almost motionless air of a summer day ;
the measure having always such grace and ease
in its fury, such firm-swept curve in its calm, that
the little fellows stood gazing in rapt delight.
When the dance was over, half the mirrors on
the walls folded back, moved by unseen hands,
and the ladies and gentlemen strolled out to a
lovely terrace, rich with flowers of every hue,
where fountains threw water in sparkling diamonds
to the sun. As each couple emerged from the
building, a flower that grew on the parterre
detached a lovely blossom, which, floating in
the air towards them, growing ever larger and
larger, moved wherever they turned their steps,
shading them from the sun, and surrounding them
with its perfume. Strange, too, that it did not
appear to be matter of chance which flower per-
158 HARMONY OF COLOURS.
formed this friendly office, for the blossom that
floated over the heads of each pair that roamed
the garden, was always of a colour harmonising
admirably with the costume beneath. A couple
dressed in pale blue were attended by a prim-
rose ; two that wore green had a lovely snow-
white lily for their shade ; a third pair, who were
in white, rejoiced in the protection of a scarlet
geranium ; and a fourth, in a pearly grey, had a
most delicate pink blossom for their attendant.
It was a lovely sight, but small boys soon get
tired of the beautiful unless there is some fun
going ; so after our trio had gazed for a time on
the people with their varied dresses, they began
to long for something more exciting. Looking
about, they saw at one end of the lawn a large
gateway, and started off at a run to see whither
it led. On getting near the gate, they observed
a funny little man sitting on the arch above it,
who, the moment they came up, said, " Put them
down/'
" We don't carry anything," said Norval.
WHAT'S HE UP TO.
" Yes you do, though/' said the little man.
" What names do you bear ? "
The boys told him, at which he gave a trium-
phant sniff, and said, " If you bear names, look at
your dictionary and see what
bear means. My dictionary
says it means carry. Don't
carry them any longer; put
them down."
" What is he up to ? " said
Jaques, bewildered.
" Up to the top of the
door, don't you see, stoopid?"
said the little man. " Some-
times I'm up to anything, but
just at present I'm only up to the top of a door.
Why do you make me a contradiction of my-
self?"
" But we don't," said Norval.
" Oh yes, you do. Here I am up at the top of
the door, and yet you make me be down upon
you at the same time. It's very inconvenient to
160 DOWN, DOWN, DERRY DOWN.
be put in two places at once ; so don't do it again,
that's all."
" But you can't be in two situations at once,"
said Jaques.
" But I say you can," said the little man,
" and more than two. You can be in the heat of
an argument, in the middle of a cold audience, in
the wrong box, and in the hope of getting out
of it, and in a great mistake in thinking so, all at
once. So once more I say, put them down."
" But what are we to put down, and where are
we to put them, whatever they may be ? " said
Norval.
" Didn't I say your names (everybody visiting
towers should put down their names) ? and where
would you think of putting names down but in a
book, I should like to know ? " said the little
man.
" But where is the book ?" said Jaques ; " I don't
see any."
" Oh, most ill-informed little boy ! in the visitors'
book, to be sure."
WRITING UP THE BOOKS. l6l
" But where is it ? "
" You know that best. Surely you know
where your own book is ? "
" But you said the visitors' book."
" Well, and are you not a visitor ? so if you
put it down in your book it will be in the visitor's
book, won't it ? "
This seemed to be nothing short of downright
nonsense to the boys ; but to please the little man,
they took out their pocket-books, and gravely
wrote their own names in them.
" Now, let me see," said the little man, pro-
ducing a pair of spectacles with eyes as big as
saucers.
They held up their books, and the little man
took a glance through his spectacles. The mo-
ment he saw the writing he gave a start of sur-
prise and disgust, and nearly tumbled off his perch.
" Woe is me ! " he exclaimed, wringing his
hands. " Is this the effect of Education Acts and
School Boards ? Why, they are upside up, when
I told you it was down they were to be."
L
1 62 ON THE KEY VIVE.
" But they are down in the book," said Norval.
" No," said the little man, sorrowfully, " they
are not even that. They are up at the very top
of the page, all of them. Oh dear ! it upsets me
completely," he added, as, bending down, he raised
his legs in the air and stood upon his head.
" Ah, now," he said, "it is all right ! they are
down now. You see if I were standing on cere-
mony I could not have let you pass, but standing
on my head heals up the difficulty. It's a pate-nt
way of my own. Now you may pass on."
" But the gate is not open," said Jaques.
" Well, open it," said the little man.
" But we have not got a key."
" Well, then, if you have not got A key, try the
key of B."
Jaques looked puzzled, and said, " I don't under-
stand."
" There," said the little man, pointing to a rope
attached to the bolt of the gate " you're A flat ;
B E sharp now, and C what F-ect ten or a dozen
treble G-erks applied altogether to the bar at the
STACCATO PASSAGE. 163
base there may have in the D-velopment of a
passage."
This speech made the boys look at one another,
and laugh. " Well," said the little man, " passages
generally do open with a chord seem funny as it
may ; so just try."
At this, Norval seized the rope, and, tugging
it vigorously, the gate swung slowly on its
hinges.
" Ah ! what lovely opening bars ! " cried the
little man, beating time with one leg; "there
never was a passage better done on the P an' O."
The remark may be made here, in passing, that
a match against time with both legs is common,
but to beat time with one leg! extraordinary
feat ! ! ! The passage must have been very legato,
or it could not have been done.
When the gate was fully open, the boys all said,
" Thank you."
" Oh, never mind thanking me ; it's been a
case of stuck -at -a passage long enough; get
through it in treble quick time, and be happy. '
164 THE TALK OF THE HOUSE.
No second bidding was needed, and the little
fellows, running through the gateway, found them-
selves in a courtyard in which stood a high tower,
whose stones looked like transparent green glass,
and the lines between them as if raspberry-jam
had been used for lime.
After looking at it for a few moments, Jaques
exclaimed, " I wonder what the tower is for ? "
" Nothing at all at present, thank you ; I'm
not 'ungry," replied a forte voice, in somewhat
stony accents.
" Why, it can speak," cried Jaques, quite aston-
ished.
" Of course I can. If 'ouses may talk, why
should not I ? "
" But houses don't talk," said Ranulf.
" 'Ouses don't talk, don't they ? Ha, ha, ha!"
shouted the tower, till its sides shook so that the
boys were afraid it would tumble, and its tiers
would have fallen, only they had not the cheek
to run down. " Ha, ha, ha, ha ! So you think
'ouses can't talk. Now I've 'eard it said they talk
BIGGARLY ARGUMENTS. 165
too much. Look at the 'Ouse of Commons, and
you'll see that you never made a Biggar mistake ;
it seems to do nothing but talk."
" Ah, but," said Jaques, " that's different ; it's
not a great high stone thing, like you."
" Not stone, and not 'igh ! Is that all you
know ? Isn't a glad stone always getting up in it,
and ain't the dizzy 'ights at the top ? But I shan't
talk to you hany more."
" Why not, please ? " said Jaques, timidly.
" Why not ! you are not a purpose, nor a hef-
fect, nor a hend, are you ? "
" No," said Jaques.
" Then I shan't talk to you. When I talk I
always talk to some purpose, or to some heffect,
or to some hend. I like the last best. Give me
some hend to talk to, and I'll talk no hend."
" Some end of what ? " asked Norval ; " is it the
end of a stick, or a cigar, or what ? "
" Oh, to the hend of time, or hanything. Make
a hend of yourself, and you will see how I'll talk
to you then.'
1 66 FORTITER.
The boys did not quite see that to be the talk
of a tower was a sufficient temptation to suicide,
so remained silent.
" Well, I'm glad, at all hevents, you've made a
hend of something ; making a hend of speaking is
better than making a hend of nothing. Now that
you've made a hend, I can talk to it, if you will
promise that the hend will attend to the hend, that
the hend in view may in the hend be brought to
a hend, and that "
" Why," said Norval, interrupting, " I beg your
pardon, but you said you would talk no end, and
it seems to me it is all end together."
At this the tower completely forgot itself,
indeed went off into a towering passion, and
stormed away for ever so long. Some people
may think that it is strange a tower should storm
itself, instead of being stormed ; but the fact was
that its mortar being ill tempered, it exploded
spontaneously. The way in which a tower flies
into a passion is very difficult to describe, and it
will not be attempted here. Suffice it to say, that
REVIEWING EXTRAORDINARY. 167
of course it used its wings. Its rage was so great
as to make it speechless, which, from the rub-
bish it had been talking on end before, was just as
well, for though it kept on end, it did so silently.
The boys began to walk round it, and on getting
to the other side, they found a very low door,
over which was a large placard :
VIS ITORS
WHO HAVE
NO VIEWS OF THEIR OWN
WILL FIND SOME
AT THE TOP OF THIS TOWER.
Those who change their views charged extra.
FRAMES OF MIND FOR THE VIEWS MAY BE HAD
AT MODERATE PRICES. -
ADMISSION FREE,
ON WHOLEYDAYS HALF-PRICE.
N.B. Whatever goes in at the bottom must come out at the top.
By Order.
A. B. FEATER,
Custodier.
1 68 MUST I, THOUGH ?
Now " must " is a word that people are con-
stantly telling little boys not to use, but are just
as constantly using themselves in speaking to
them. Accordingly it is not very surprising that
when boys see the word "must" painted up in
large letters, they should feel inclined to resist.
When Norval, and Jaques, and Ranulf saw " must
go out at the top " on the placard, their bump
of combativeness at once became irritated ; and,
after a short conference, they resolved they would
go into the tower, and would not go out at the
top. Norval's idea was that there was some one
inside to catch anybody that entered, and force
him to the top, so he told Jaques and Ranulf that
he would peep in, if they would be ready to pull
him back should any one try to take hold of him.
He then advanced cautiously, and put his head
in at the door. The moment he did so, he called
out
"OH HOLD ME,-
The "oh" was very loud, but the "hold"
A NECKSCRESCENCE. 169
sounded more distant, and the " me " was so far
off as to be difficult to hear. Jaques and Ranulf
held on stoutly to Norval's legs, but found they
could not haul him out, though pulling with
all their might. While they were still strug-
gling, Norval's voice behind them said, " It's no
use, you had better let them go." On looking
round they were amazed to see Norval's head up-
side down just at their backs, hanging by a long
neck, not thicker than a sausage, from the top of
the tower.
In ordinary circumstances this would have
shocked them horribly, but then wonders began
to come almost as matters of course, and Nor-
val's head drooping down like a ball at the end of
a string had such an irresistibly comical appear-
ance, that they both burst into a loud fit of
laughter, in which Norval himself joined most
heartily. But when they had enjoyed their laugh,
and began to look matters and Norval in the face,
the puzzle was what to do ; for they saw that to
resist going out at the top would be useless, and
170 EXTENDED ARMS.
feared that if Norval's legs were released, his
body would go out at the top and be smashed.
After thinking a little, Jaques asked Ranulf for
his top-cord, proposing to tie it to Norval's legs,
and let him down quietly. " Oh, but," said Ran-
ulf, " the cord would never reach so far."
" Oh yes," said Jaques ; " don't you see that
whatever goes in at the bottom must come out at
the top ? so the string will get long if we hold it,
just as Norval's neck did/' This proved to be
correct ; for on tying the cord to Norval's legs and
letting them go, they flew up at once, and Jaques
and Ranulf holding on prevented Norval tum-
bling over. But while Jaques was easing the cord
down, by moving his hands forward, he thought-
lessly brought them within the doorway, when at
once his arms flew up the tower, and Norval had
in his turn to assist Ranulf to hold Jaques, whose
hands shot out at the top of the tower, and hung
down behind them as Norval's head had done
before. Norval and Ranulf began to get the
cord ready to let Jaques down safely in his turn,
THE MISSING BOX. 171
but Jaques (mechanical again) relieved them from
the trouble by making use of his long arms. He
seized each of his heels firmly in one hand, and
bidding the other boys let go, eased his body
gently up the tower, out at the top, and down to
the ground, and then drew his hands out. The
sight of him, with his monstrous arms, produced
another burst of laughter, which increased when
Jaques, wanting to give Ranulf a box on the
ear * for laughing, found that his hand, instead
of touching him, flew into a rhododendron bush
ever so far down the garden-walk. Although
neither he nor his brother could shorten their
drawn-out members to their original size, still
these were so far elastic, that they could draw
them in to about half their enormous length, and
throw them out again as they pleased. After
they had experimented a little with their un-
wieldy projections, making them perform all sorts
of antics, so that the three screamed with laugh-
* In fun, of course. These boys had learned what all boys
should learn, never to get angry at being laughed at.
172
ter, Norval took
it into his head
that he would like
to have a look into
the tower ; for on
his previous jour-
ney through it, he
had been so hur-
ried that he saw
nothing in fact,
had gone through
EXTENSION MOTIONS.
PULLING, BUT NO PULING. 173
like winking. He therefore raised his head,
drawing in his long neck, till he and the tower
looked like a gigantic pewter pot with its handle.
On getting his nose to the edge, he at once ex-
claimed, " Oh, what a jolly smell ! " This excited
Ranulfs curiosity, so he at once rushed to the
door to have a sniff, and to make sure he was
not caught as his brothers had been, he took
care not to put even his hands in at the door.
But unfortunately he forgot the slightly Roman
tendency of his nose, which, as he tried to get a
whiff of the scent, flew up the tower, nearly pok-
ing out Norval's eye at the top, and ran down the
outside to the ground. Ranulf, who did not like
having his nose pulled in this fashion, was just
going to cry, but remembering the fairy's caution,
exclaimed to himself, " Not if I knows it," pulled
out his handkerchief, and turning round gently
did as boys usually do when they have had to
gulp down a sob.
" Now, then, get on," cried Jaques.
" But what shall I do ?" said Ranulf.
174 BRIDGING THE DIFFICULTY.
" Do ! follow your nose, to be sure. Why
don't you come down by your bridge ? "
" What bridge ? "
"Why, the bridge of your nose. I'll hold it
steady for you."
Jaques accordingly seized Ranulfs nose in his
long arms, and giving it a hitch round the light-
ning-conductor at the top of the tower, held the
end slanting, making it hang like the rope for
the terrific ascents of tight-rope performers, and
down this improvised bridge Ranulf slid success-
fully to the ground, after which Jaques removed
the hitch from the lightning-conductor, and Ranulf,
who had a taste for the sea, coiled his nose neatly
upon the ground, like a hawser on board ship, and
taking the coils in his hand, threw them over his
shoulder. His brothers seeing this, stowed away
their slack also, and had scarcely done so, when
there was a tremendous flourish of trumpets, and
a being that might have passed for a pantaloon,
as he was clothed entirely in golden trouser-legs
(the Blunder-land substitute for coats of arms)
YOU BE BLOWED. 175
entered the gate. In reality he was a herald,
although you would not have guessed it, as he
wore no ruff round his throat. Behind him
strode six stalwart trumpeters, each of whom,
instead of blowing his own trumpet as is too
common nowadays held his instrument to the
mouth of his left-hand neighbour. There was an
awkwardness about this arrangement, however,
for the man at the right end of the line had no
trumpet for his mouth, and the man at the other
end had no mouth for his trumpet. But in
Blunderland, difficulties which elsewhere would
be thought insurmountable are soon overleapt.
Accordingly, the sixth trumpet was managed
thus : The moment the others were raised,
trumpeter No. i, who had no instrument, looked
hard along the line, and called out, " No. 6, you
be blowed ! " and as obedience is the rule in
Blunderland, as opposed to what occurs else-
where, this command was quite enough to make
trumpet No. 6 tootle-ootle away as loud as the
rest.
I 76 TRUMPERY OBSTRUCTION.
It seemed to be the business of these trumpeters
to make as much noise as they could whenever
the unfortunate herald opened his lips to make his
proclamation. The sort of thing that went on
was this : The herald, having unrolled his paper,
cleared his throat, of which there was much need ;
for if there was no ruff outside, that was more
than could be said of the interior. If he had had
colera he could not have been more nekroky."*
Having given a hem, long enough to go round the
skirt of a lady's dress, even of modern proportions,
he began to read
Roy "
Instantly his thread was broken by tra ta ta,
ti ta ta, tatata ta turn, tatatraratatata, from all the
trumpets at once.
Another attempt to go on
" al."
Tra ta t't't'a, t't'a tra ta ta ti ta ti tati ta turn
ta turn ta, ta, ta.
* Perhaps the small reader does not understand. Let him wait
till he begins Greek.
TRUMPET STOPS. 177
When this had happened over and over again,
the tra-ta-ta-ing getting louder and longer each
time, the herald calmly sat down on the ground,
laid aside his proclamation, produced from his
pocket a gilt bladder, which he quietly proceeded
to blow up till it was full of air, and fastened to
the end of his baton by a string about a foot
long. Having carefully tested its strength by
giving it a few thumps on the ground, he rose,
and recommenced reading his proclamation. In-
stantly behind him began once more the braying
of trumpets ; but before one tra-ta could escape,
bang, b'ng, b'ng, b'ng, bang, bang came the bladder
down upon the heads of the six trumpeters. This
stopped five of the too-toos * coming from them,
* If any one, with a mind not delivered from the bondage of
mere vulgar arithmetic, should object that two 2's make 4, and not
5, we have only to say that we don't care a fraction, and refuse to
alter our addition for any such common multiple of a fellow. If
any other spelling B-ound individual should say that "toos" is not
according to English orthography, we beg to remind him that
Eng means narrow, and we prefer to go in for all abroad in such
matters ; and this being a book of fun, we adopt the funnytick
mode.
M
178 A BLOWING UP.
the whole six trumpeters being knocked out of
time. But as there was nobody to take the blow
for No. 6 trumpet, it was brazen enough to go on
all by itself, as if it would be blowed if it would
stop. The herald, however, evidently knew what
he was about, for he ran to No. 6 trumpet and
gave it such a blowing up, up its mouth, that
nothing could get out for ever so long; indeed
the air was too much for it, and it could not give
it off even in parts ; as for the bass, it could not
get so low ; treble X ecution was quite as impos-
sible ; the third part was ten or more notes beyond
it ; and the only remaining one was altogether so.
Having thus succeeded in obtaining silence, the
herald proceeded to read his proclamation, and
got through some lines before the trumpeters
recovered sufficiently to commence their noise
once more ; when seeing them about to begin,
he repeated the bang bang bang, bang bang, pro-
cess with most excellent effect and making about
fifteen pauses to perform this operation, he man-
aged to read the whole. In order not to try the
WHEREAS, ETC. 179
reader's patience, it is thought better to give it
without the interrupting bangs in fact, bang
off.
tije
3 ^reclamation*
WHEREAS it is our will and desire to
maintain a clear course, so that we
may be kept placed in the races of the earth,
and that our people may continue to have a
handy capacity for all athletic sports, likewise
to avert the risk of the mussels of our subjects
getting limp at the end of our royal line by
any shellfish a'baiting (after the barb'rous man-
ner of the fishy policy of the Angles) of the
care bestowed by it on generations yet un-
born
We have thought it would fit, with or with-
out the advice of our Prating Council, and the
Cakes of our Parliament, to appoint and de-
clare, and we do hereby, by and with, or pas-
sing by and without the said advice, appoint
and declare, that immediately, or even sooner,
all who hear or do not hear of this proclama-
l8o ODD JOBS.
tion, shall assemble without delay on a spot to
be fixed by us at some future time, there to
hold our annual games.
And our will and pleasure further is, that
prizes be awarded to those of our subjects who
display the greatest skill in performing any of
the following feats of agility and strength :
I. Running up a bill with spears and ponds.
II. Taking a spring from a well in dancing pumps.
III. Carrying 6 Woolwich infants in an estimate.
IV. Handling a weighty argument, and hurling
it at an adversary.
V. Knocking down a five- storey house by one
blow of a hammer at the bidding of the pur-
chaser.
VI. Carrying a measure with a Committee sit-
ting upon it through two Houses.
VII. Keeping a gentleman in your eye when you
have a stye in it already.
VIII. Carrying a crowded house along with you for
three hours.
IX. Running a tremendous risk, and beating it.
X. Keeping time for the human race.
And such others as we may appoint.
GIVEN AT OUR COURT AT LUCKINGHAM ON
THE 32ND OF APRIL 8177, IN THE ONE
HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINTH YEAR OF
OUR REIGN.
A BLOW FOR NO BLOW.
181
The herald having completed the reading of the
proclamation, evidently expected that, the proper
time having now arrived, his trumpeters would
blow a vigorous flourish, as in duty bound; but
instead of this there was dead silence, all the
trumpeters standing stock-still, with their hands
hanging at their sides, and mouths wide open. At
this the herald got white with passion, the choler
rose so at his throat that he could bear it no
longer, but cut up rough, the cuffs flying from him
in showers, till at last he burst the bladder with
1 82 STICKY.
a terrific bang on the nose of No. i, who took
no more notice than if he had been made of
gutta-percha. The herald calmed down as sud-
denly as he had flared up, and after looking at the
motionless figures for a moment, quietly remarked,
" Oh, I'm in no hurry, I can wait," produced from
the pocket of one of his many trouser-legs a copy
of ' Enquire within upon Everything ' a book
much studied in Blunderland and commenced
reading, evidently in the hope that he might in
course of time come upon a receipt that would
enable him to settle the hash of his saucy attend-
ants. The trumpeters could have borne any
amount of violence, but the herald's tactics were
too much for them ; so before he could get his
spectacles adjusted to commence reading, they
all placed their trumpets to their mouths, and
blew a most elegant tootle-ootle, at which the
herald, smiling sweetly, turned and said, " Thanks,
thanks, my children ! " and producing a box from
another pocket, handed each of them a stick of
barley-sugar. Now no one will think it surpris-
AN EXTRA HAND.
ing that the sight of a free distribution of barley-
sugar should be rather exciting to three small
boys like our heroes. And although they had
been well taught that little men should not thrust
themselves on people to ask for things, still, being
in Blunderland, it is not strange that they should
be a little infected by the character of the country,
and do what would have been not at all good
manners anywhere else. So Jaques, taking ad-
vantage of his long arms, unwound one of them,
and passing it round to the back of the trum-
peters, thrust it out between two of them. The
herald, quite unsuspecting, placed in it a stick of
barley-sugar, when it was instantly withdrawn,
and Jaques handed the barley-sugar to his elder
brother. Repeating the process, he succeeded
in getting sticks for Ranulf and for himself, the
184 HONOUR BRIGHT.
herald being in great astonishment, as he found
that though he had given out more than six
sticks, and the trumpeters were all sucking away
furiously, there was always an empty hand
stretched out from some quarter or another for
more. Looking behind the trumpeters, all he
could see was what he took to be a garden water-
ing-pipe lying on the ground, but which was in
reality Jaques' arm. Not to be beaten, he muttered
to himself that he would go on till he found it
out ; so, to the boys' great delight, kept putting
sticks into Jaques' hand, until his box was empty
and their pockets full. They felt, however, when
all was over, that while it might not be of great
consequence, still, to be little gentlemen as they
ought, they must not leave matters unexplained ;
so, after a short consultation how it was to be
done, Jaques' hand again appeared between the
trumpeters holding all the sticks of barley-sugar,
minus one little bit that Ranulf, with a haste ex-
cusable at six years, but no longer, had nibbled
off, and a voice behind the herald said, " Please
WHAT'S YOUR LITTLE GAME? 185
sir, may we have them ? " Turning round, he
saw the three boys, and gazing at them with their
coils, exclaimed in amazement
" Why, you must be three rolls of endless wax-
taper out for a walk ! "
" Oh no ; we aren't tapirs," said Ranulf, who,
having a recollection of a beast with a long
snout in his animals-book, thought this was a
reflection on his nose. He felt very much inclined
to put his fingers to it ; but a sense of propriety,
and a difficulty in finding the point of it among
the folds, combined to restrain him.
" Then if you're not tapers," said the herald,
" you must be sons of a gun, built on the coil
system Armstrong's patent, eh ? or perhaps you
are in the still line ? "
" Nurse never thinks so," said Jaques. " She
says she would like to see a little more of the
still about us that we are too full of good
spirits."
" And what is the still business for, except to
produce good spirits ; but," said the herald, sud-
1 86 A POSER.
denly assuming a tremendous air of official dig-
nity, "we must tarry no longer; the games are
about to commence."
" Oh, but please, sir, may we keep the barley-
sugar ? "
" Yes," said he, and was going to add " but "
something, only he did not get time, for his Yes
was instantly followed by three Thank-yous, and
three enormous bites at the barley-sugar.
" Stop, stop, stop ! " he cried. " I thought you
wanted to keep it."
The boys knew that they should not speak with
their mouths full ; and having as much in them
as good manners allow, they were compelled to
nod.
" And how can you both eat your lollypop and
keep it ? There's a poser for you," said the
herald, folding his arms, throwing back his head,
and planting his right foot forward in a manner
which plainly meant, " I poses for a reply."
It was a poser in one way, for no answer could
CONFLICTING DUTIES. 187
be given to it by nod or shake ; and as the mouths
were still full, it remained unanswered, the boys
wavering between
" Speak when you are spoken to"
and
" Don't speak with your mouth full."
The herald's notion of his own dignity seemed
to be greatly increased by there being apparently
no answer to his question, which was just as well,
for as he got full of importance he got empty of
everything else (on the well-known principle of
natural philosophy, that two things cannot occupy
the same space at the same time), and so forgot
all about his question.
While he was still posing, a mounted disorderly
galloped on to the ground, shouting
" Here, hi, hollo, you there ! What's yer name ?
How long d'ye mean to keep the king waiting ?"
In a moment all the herald's dignity was gone.
He trembled till his trouser-legs were fluttering
i88
TAKEN ABACK.
all round him, like a cock's feathers when he
shakes himself, and cried
" The king waiting ! oh, oh dear ! " gathered
his trouser-legs about him, and fled through the
gateway, like an old woman running in a shower
of rain.
The trumpeters, thus relieved of the dread of
the gilded bladder, blew a tremendous flourish,
threw their trumpets in the air, and then the end
one giving a back, they set off in leap-frog after
the herald.
The boys made after them as fast as they
could, soon outstripping them with their young
RACE-COURSE NOT COARSE. 189
legs, and on passing through the gate found the
people assembled for the games. It was indeed
a lovely sight. Unlike such gatherings among
those who do not blunder, there were no thimble-
riggers ; no dismal niggers ; no men with two black
cards and a red ; no shouts of four to one, bar
one ; no little girls with careworn faces and work-
worn tights, faded and patched, performing on
stilts to a consumptive drum and a time-defy-
ing flageolet; no display of paint, false hair,
and falser smiles ; no pouring in of sparkling
gooseberry ; no pouring out of wild and wicked
words ; no reeling and staggering ; no shouting
and brawling ; no fingers in other people's pockets,
and fists in other people's eyes. Such things are
only to be witnessed in countries where the people
have grown out of the condition of blundering,
and have reached an advanced stage of civilisa-
tion and intelligence. Here in this yet unen-
lightened country things were quite different.
The sight was lovely. The ladies and gentlemen
whom the boys had seen before on the lawn,
1 90 DELICATE SHADE.
were here assembled, along with a host of other
people of humbler rank, the rich costumes of
the ladies and gentlemen contrasting with the
less costly dresses of the lower classes, grouped
as they were with the most charming harmony
and accommodation of colours too beautiful for
description, forming a sight never to be forgot-
ten. The effect was made still more charming by
the flowers that had sheltered the groups on the
lawn being formed into a vast sun-shade above
a gigantic white lily, with its bell turned down-
wards, being the centre, and the circles going
out from it in the most delicate gradations of
colour through all the tints of the rainbow ; the
edges of this gigantic and gorgeous ombrelle
being formed of enormous bright fern -leaves,
the points of which, bending towards the ground,
were by some unseen means kept gently waving,
wafting the air charged with the fragrance of
the flowers in delicious coolness over the whole
assemblage.
In rather incongruous contrast to the elegance
WEIGHTY. 191
and luxurious refinement of the scene was the
conduct of one individual, who, although he had
a crown on his head, was rushing about with an
apron on and a napkin under his arm, carrying
dishes and bottles in all directions.
" Waiter /" shouted a voice on one side.
The King. " Yessir."
" Four sausage rolls, a hice, and three pops."
The King. " Yessir."
" Waiter ! " cried another.
The King. " Yessir."
" Two 'alfs 'alf-and-'alf, an' 'alf a sandwich."
192 THE CORRECT TIP.
The King. " Yessir."
" Waiter ! " roared a third.
The King. "Yessir."
" Cold beef and pickles, two brandies, and a
split."
The King. " Yessir."
" Come along, king," said a fourth, " attend to
the comforts of your subjects."
The King. "Yessir."
" Two churchwardens and a screw of tobacco."
The King. " Yessir."
The poor king did his very best, and rushed
about most energetically. He managed, like a
good waiter, to keep up a considerable fire of
chaff. A man having offered him a tip of 2s. 6d.,
he exclaimed, " Oh, sir, you cannot give a king
less than a crown ! " To a party who gave him
155., he objected, "This won't do, sir; I must
have five more."
"Why?"
" Three crowns is the Pope's allowance. It
takes four to make a real sovereign, sir."
NO SPEAKING BACK. 193
But although trying to be as merry and lively
as possible, he found it very hard
work, and the moment the herald
appeared, dropped his napkin, six
plates of lamb and salad and eight
pewter pots he was carrying, tore
off his apron, changed a crown, and
picking up his robe of state and
his sceptre and ball, gave a royal wave of his
hand.
The herald was at once seized and brought for-
ward, and, addressing him, the king said, " What,
ho, thou caitiff! say, how hast thou dared so long
to keep thy sovereign waiting ? "
If the herald had been a log, he could not have
remained more stolidly immovable. There was
dead silence for a few moments, and then the
king again spoke, "'Tis well thou knowest thou
shouldest not dare to answer back to a king, for
this is half thine offence pardoned. Canst thou
bring forward anything why punishment should
not overtake thee for the other half ? " At this
N
194 I0 CARRIED FORWARD.
the herald did bring something forward, for he
brought up one hand, and placing the thumb
to the end of his nose, he slowly extended the
fingers as far out as
he could, and wag-
gled them about,
then he placed the
thumb of the other
hand to the little fin-
ger already stretched
out, and extending his other fingers, waggled them
too. The boys were aghast at thus seeing a
subject making a long nose at a king, and still
more when he finished by bringing his hand
sharply up against his open mouth, producing a
sound like the popping of a well-fitted cork.
The king, however, seemed not at all struck in
the way they were by the herald's conduct, but
turning to an attendant said, " Bring forward the
whys man, that we may get the interpretation of
these heraldic emblems."
The whys man was, as might have been ex-
VERY QUEER EH ? 195
pected, the querist man that ever was seen.
Nobody could fail to see that he was
a man of mark of interrogation, for
when you looked at him you saw a
great deal of curl at the head, and
when you reached his feet he came to
a stop.*
"Your Majesty, come and I obey,"
said the seer.
The boys thought this bad grammar, and
very rude on the part of a subject (not knowing
that he meant, " Command, I obey ") ; for, as Nor-
val said to Jaques, a subject giving dictation, in-
stead of a subject being given in dictation, was
contrary to all their school experience. But they
were beginning not to be surprised at anything.
" Didst thou behold the mysterious signs just
*.If anybody should think, on reading this, that the statement is
superfluous, because all men come to a stop at their feet, he will
please remember that men often have more sole under their
feet than anywhere else : in fact, they are so fond of fishy and
slippery ways that they always go upon soles and eels ; and some
of them are so fast, that so far from stopping at their feet, they
go such lengths that they stop at nothing.
196 AVERSE TO PROSE.
made by our herald ? What mean they ? " said
the king.
" Will your Majesty deign to say whether you
desire to be answered with rhyme and reason or
without rhyme or reason ? "
" Whichever seemeth best unto thee, oh seer ! "
" Then, seriously speaking, I would say that if
a point of view be taken, such as those who take
points of view, with a view to getting the point of
view, that brings best into view the true view of
the point, which ought to be kept in view, in the
view of getting at the point "
" Oh, stop, stop, stop ! " cried the king ; " which
is that ' with ' or ' without ' ? "
" ' Without/ sire," answered the seer.
" Then, for pity's sake, let us have with, if it will
save us from being compassed with so many
points. I feel pricked all over."
Your Majesty shall be obeyed,
Although in sooth I am afraid,
A pointless rhyme is not the thing
To lay before so great a king.
VAIN SOOTHE SAYING. IQ7
You fain would know why herald's nose
By aid of fingers longer grows,
And why by slap upon his mug
He makes a hollow sound like "jug."
Methinks he by these signs would say,
'Twas well he stayed so long away.
By sound of cork he first would tell,
How waiting long, you waited well.
Fired by desire for subjects' weal,
You ran about with plates of veal
And ham, hot kidneys, bottled stout ;
In short, you wildly flew about,
The slave of all, though monarch great,
Good lesson in the cares of state.
He next the royal attention draws,
To all the tips on nose and paws,
By which he plainly means to in
dicate how 'twould have been a sin
Had he by quick return to you
Deprived you of the tips you drew,
While you were waiting on your p-
eople drawing corks and serving tea.
Indeed he'd say, by him your pop
ularity is now tip-top.
He therefore claims a pardo'n free.
The seer hath spoken.
" Fiddle-dee-dee ! " cried the king ; " to such de-
fence I cannot listen. It may be with rhyme, but
198 WHINES FROM LOW SPIRITS.
is certainly without reason. If it comes to any-
thing it comes to this, that he kept me waiting so
long in order that I might get tips, eh ? That
is seeking to give the king the sack. I would
be mad ere I accepted such a mumm sham peni-
tence. I declare it brand'ed as a shabbily-con-
cocted whine; so turn from it, and laugh it to
scorn. He shall have his mead. Summon the
headsman, and let him whisk it off.
The executioner at once appeared, set his
block in front of the throne, felt the edge of his
axe, advanced to the herald, and began to drag
him forward.
"Friend/' said the herald (he had turned quaker
at the sight of the block), " why dost thou draw
this way ? "
" Because my business is funny cuts," said the
executioner, giving him a sudden pull.
" Don't ketch me up so if thou art a Jack in the
box wood way ; thou shouldst not put such hard
lines on a fellow."
" I call you rather knave than fellow," replied the
HEADS OR TAILS.
199
executioner, getting somewhat surly, " I don't need
you to tell me how to make the cuts on my block."
The boys began to feel rather uncomfortable at
the idea of seeing a head cut off. They were
somewhat relieved, however, to notice that the
executioner and attendants, on getting the herald
to the block, did not apply his neck to it, but
made him sit down. They then began searching
among the many trouser-legs that hung behind
him, and were so long at this operation that
200 TAIL-KETCHING.
Jaques, who, being a schoolboy, had an impres-
sion of his own as to what they were after,
suddenly exclaimed
" Instead of fumbling that way, why don't you
take dow "
But care-taker Norval stopped Jaques' mouth
with his hand before he could get anything un-
mentionable out.
" We can't find them, your Majesty," said the
executioner.
" Nonsense ! " replied the king ; " Darwin has
put it in a book, and therefore there must be.
Besides, the Family Herald has lots of tales ; and
what a Family Herald has, surely a Royal Herald
can have too ! "
At last they found them two very small swal-
low tails indeed one of which was duly chopped
off, but the other spared, as the king had forgiven
half the fault ; and the executioner, taking his
stand on the form used at Charles the ist's exe-
cution, lifted up the tail and solemnly said, " This
is the end of a cratur."
ONE LEFT ON, THE OTHER RIGHT OFF. 2OI
The herald looked very disconsolate, and the
executioner, clapping
him on the shoulder as
he sat on the block,
said to him
" How do you feel
now, old boy ? "
" No thanks to you
for axing ; your chop's
a very cruel kind of
cut let's say no more
about it."
" Pooh, my good fellow ! you're not so badly
off; you've one all right."
"No, I've one left it's the right one that's
gone."
" Well, well, but you don't need to have it left
so ; they'll right you at any retail place in no time."
" Enough of chops, and cutlets, and tails," sud-
denly shouted the king ; " now for the royal
stakes is that course ready ? "
" Yes, your Majesty," said the Secretary of
202 RACY ENTREES.
Steak ; " the entries are just over, and so the beef-
eaters can come on now." They soon got through
the removes necessary, and the game course
cleared ; whereupon the king's and queen's suites
were set in their places, including the cream of
society, and a following which was quite the
cheese.
" Now," said the king, " every man shall have
his desert. Go on with the heats," heats being
apparently the Blunderland substitute for ices.
This injunction made the officials warm to
their work, so that all was quickly ready, and the
competitors came running up to take their places.
They were a funny-looking set altogether. There
was a fast young gentleman, who looked as if
he had not been in bed all night, but had just
come out of a bandbox. There was a scarlet-
runner, who was the pink of condition ; a post-
runner, who of course was clad in a mail suit ;
a fore-runner, who went sometimes on his fore
legs, and sometimes on his four legs ; and an old
woman, who said she would warrant her tongue
VERY DISTONGUEE. 203
to go faster, and to run on longer, than anybody
on the ground. A solemn discussion arose among
the judges, upon the question whether a tongue
could be allowed to enter for the race ; and it was
at last decided that it must not, as the race was a
flat one, while the old woman's tongue was more
than usually sharp.
The aged dame was very angry at this, her
much-despised member going on at such a rate,
that she, when told to hold it, excused herself
204 A PAIR OF SCREWS.
on the ground that it was going too fast to
be caught up without a stretch of imagination,
which, at her age, was quite beyond her powers.
So, as her tongue could not be stopped, the
police took a homoeopathic process, and simply
ordered her and the offender to " move on ; "
whereupon, with female contradiction, she did the
very opposite, and moved off.
" That woman's tongue is equal to any two," said
the clerk of the course ; " so, if a couple more
would like to come forward and take its place,
they may do so."
Thus invited, Norval and Jaques stepped out.
Their appearance, with their coils wound round
them, was that of a pair of screws, and this led
the other competitors to look on them with con-
tempt, apparently thinking that such well-hooped
casks could never run.
But the boys paid no attention to the sneers.
They intended to run for the sport of it to win
if possible, and to take it cheerfully if they
could not ; which is the proper spirit for all
ELONGATED PROJECTILE. 205
boys, young or old, when they are going in for
a contest.
On the start taking place, the fore-runner
was soon left behind, the post-runner found his
mail suit rather heavy, the scarlet-runner proved
to be only a creeper, and there were none left
except the fast young man and the two boys.
At first Norval and Jaques with their young legs
got a good start, as the fast youth, not hav-
ing been in bed, had forgotten to wind up his
watch, and being unaccustomed to get on with-
out tick, had to stop till he got it wound. But as
the race was a long one, he soon made up for lost
time, and it looked as if the boys would get the
worst of it, for at the third round of the course,
Jaques was many yards behind, and his brother
also losing ground ; when, to the surprise of
everybody, Norval suddenly shouted " Neck or
nothing ! " uncoiled his neck, and collared his
opponent by shooting it out to the winning-post.
This feat was received with deafening cheers,
which were redoubled when Jaques, taking the
206
OVERREACHING.
hint, threw his long arms out over the head of
the fast young man, and vaulting on his hands,
flew over him, far
past the winning-
post, and got in a
second before him.
The fast young
man lodged a pro-
test, maintaining, in a style even louder than the
style of his trousers, that Norval had won by neck-
romantic arts; and that Jaques, instead of going on
foot, had taken a fly, and so cabalistically over-
reached him by craft. After the judges had looked
LOUD YET DISALLOWED. 207
very wise for ever so long in fact, as long as Nor-
val's neck itself they decided that the neck being
a neck, it did not matter whether it was romantic
or not ; and as it could not be alleged that Jaques
had used any other craft than handicraft, his using
feats of arms for feats of feet was quite allowable,
he having only availed himself of his own handy
capacity ; and that as to his taking a fly, it was
not a handsome thing to call it cabalistic, and
an argument that only a for weal or woe begone
growler would think it fair to take his hack-
neyed stand on. Norval was therefore declared
first, and Jaques second, amid loud applause ; and
the fast young man, with his views dissipated,
went off a bad third.
The next race was a blindfold one. The com-
petitors having their eyes tied up at the winning-
post, were led back to the scratch, and started ;
the rule being that, if any one wandered to the
side of the course and fouled the ropes, or went
beyond the post without touching it, he was out
of the race. Now Ranulf, who came forward to
208 A SWEET IDEA.
run, kept wondering to himself what he should
do to win.
" You see," he said, speaking to himself, " I've
not got anything but a nose ; and how can a long
nose help me to see ? and it's the blindfolding that
is the bother. If I only had an eye at the tip,
that would be jolly, only it wouldn't be fair not to
tell them to tie it up too. What am I to do ? "
Now Ranulf had still some of Victoria's
sweetmeats in his pocket, and Ranulf was a boy ;
so it fell out that when he felt perplexed and
did not know where to turn, he, as a matter of
course, thrust his hands into his pockets, and it
followed naturally that the sweetmeats got into
his hand, and that his hand set off on a journey
to his mouth. They had a most delicious per-
fume, so strong that though Ranulf's nose was
wound round him so many times, the scent got
through it into his head in a jiffy, or rather in a
sniffy. The moment this happened, he began to
rub his head very hard, as if something had struck
him. He was struck, as it so happened ; and
BACKER STOPPER. 2Og
although it was only by an idea, it had got so
firmly into his head that it must have struck
him pretty forcibly. He immediately set himself
to work it out. When the competitors were ready
to start, Ranulf shot his nose out up the course,
sniffing for the first thing he had noticed lying on
the side of it that could be discovered by smel-
ling. It looked so funny to see this projection
waving about, like some dozens of those long
wooden serpents that they have at the toy-shops
put end to end, that the whole crowd set up a
tremendous shout of laughter. One man, how-
ever, did not seem to like it at all. He was the
.backer of another competitor, and rushed up in a
very forward manner (particularly for a backer),
shouting
" I object ; it's not fair ! "
Upon this the umpires were at once summoned ;
and after being told what the matter was, one of
them addressed the backer, and said
" We understand you have some objection to
o
2IO ANTITIPATHY.
this gentleman's nose ; state your proposi-
tion." *
" He's got his nose out in front of him ; it's not
the correct tip."
The referees again looked very wise, pursing up
their mouths, as if the words that were to come
from them were gold ; and after comparing notes,
one of them solemnly said
"While it seems to the referees that it is scarcely
their province to sit upon long noses, these not
being matters of course, we think we are justified
in holding that a gentleman who wishes to follow
his own nose, and trust to his own tip, instead
of getting a tip from anybody else, is entitled
to do so."
The backer at this got very excited, and
shouted, " Nay, nay, but you surely won't go so
far "
" Sir," said the referee, sternly, " this is a foot-
race, so you need not mount your high horse,
* In the original MS., this word was written proboscition by
the author in his innocence. ED.
SCENTENTIOUS. 211
neighing at us in that way. The referees have
carefully considered the length of the gentleman's
nose, and, long as it is, their opinion goes that
length. So let there be an end of it."
The backer, seeing he could make nothing of
it, marched off, muttering, " End of it, indeed !
it's no end of a nose that fellow's got. There's
one comfort, it can't be called a straight tip."
All this wrangling had served Ranulf's pur-
pose, for it gave him time to con over his lesson.
And a very funny lesson it was. He had ob-
served all the smelly things on the sides of the
course that the people in taking their refresh-
ments had thrown on the grass inside the ropes ;
so his lesson went thus :
Right side, . . Peppermint-drop.
Left side, . . Ginger-beer bottle.
Right side, . . Cigar-end.
Leftside, .. . Skin of onion.
Right side, . . Orange-peel.
Left side, . . Nosegay.
212 NASAL TACTICS.
The winning-post was opposite the place where
the ladies and gentlemen sat, and of course they
did not throw orange-peel, or anything of that
kind, about. Ranulf had been greatly puzzled
how to find his way there ; but, luckily, a lady had
put a splendid nosegay on one of the posts, and
Ranulf, in going forward to be blindfolded, had a
good sniff of it, so that he was sure he would find
it all right.
At last the race began, and a very queer busi-
ness it was ; for the runners, in trying to avoid
coming against the ropes, wandered about in the
most extraordinary fashion. But Ranulf s perfor-
mance was quite irresistible, and it would have
cured the worst fit of sulks in all the world just to
see him for a minute, stretching out his nose, and
working it from side to side, like an elephant's
trunk. He first found the peppermint-drop, up
to which he rushed, winding up his nose on the
ground like a coil of rope in a ship, then throwing
it out again he found the ginger-beer bottle, and
so on. He was rather put out by coming upon
WINNING A PONY. 213
orange-peel just after passing the cigar-end; and
when this happened, the puzzled look of his nose,
as it caught scent of the peel at the wrong place,
made the crowd roar again. The truth was, that
some one in the crowd was throwing orange-peel;
but, fortunately, a piece hit him on the nose, so
that he guessed what was wrong, and with a bold
sweep caught scent of the onion-skin from afar,
and on he went, winning easily by a nose. The
ladies were so delighted with this performance,
that they all wanted to kiss him at once, and
for a couple of minutes his nose was in great
requisition.
In the distribution of prizes, Norval was made
merry as a cricket by the gift of a golden bat ;
Jaques being declared entitled to an armful of
toys, was able to claim enough to fill a bazaar by
the aid of his long arms ; and Ranulf, whose
greatest delight was horses, rejoiced in a real
Lilliputian pony of 25 pounds, the proper figure
for a pony gained at races. When the prize
distribution was over, the boys were led to the
214 BIG MAN BIG FRIGHT BIG WORDS.
king's table, on which an elegant feast was
spread.
While they were enjoying it, there was a sudden
flutter, and every eye turned one way.
" Oh, here he comes ! here's Blunderbore ! "
was the cry that rose on all sides.
" Blunderbore ? " said Ranulf, turningrather pale ;
" that's the giant with the awful teeth and the big
club. I thought Jack had killed him. Oh dear,
what shall we do ? "
Norval did not feel quite comfortable either,
but, seeing little Ranulf s pale face, he forgot him-
self, and, trying to cheer him, said as bravely as
he could
" Never mind, Ranny; you know with my long
neck I can make myself as big as he is, and I will
brandish my bat as a club perhaps that will
frighten him." He was not very confident of
this, but put on as much appearance of being at
ease as he could, so as to encourage his little
brother.
" It's Jaques' business to kill him," said Ranulf,
A GREAT BORE. 215
solemnly. " It's a good thing he has got long
enough arms."
Jaques did not seem to see it, and the whole
three were anything but comfortable in their
minds.
It was somewhat reassuring, however, to notice
that the news of the arrival of Blunderbore ap-
peared to distress none of the rest of the company.
The ladies were all looking through their opera-
glasses, with faces which showed that he had no
terrors for them. The gentlemen seemed, on the
whole, to be rather disgusted, as the announce-
ment of the giant's approach appeared to throw
them entirely into the shade so far as the fair sex
were concerned, and they looked at one another
with glances of pique and contempt, as the
ladies twittered away in eager conversation eyes
sparkling, lips smiling, and that curious buzz that
always heralds a great arrival running through
the whole assemblage.
" Any room for me ? " said a voice (which,
though evidently kept as mild as possible, made a
2l6 HE STOOPS TO CONQUER.
sound very like the Westminster chimes striking
the first quarter), as a face about three yards
long, below a three-cornered cocked-hat, made its
appearance under the fern-leaf fringe of the tent
of flowers. Blunderbore had been compelled to
stoop down so low in order to look in that his
face was level with his knees, and as it was very
round, the effect was ludicrously like a circular
clock on pillars. The moment the face became
visible, all strange and unpleasant thoughts began
to fade from the boys' minds, for it was the picture
of jolly good-nature. His eyes, the balls of which
were larger than a Christmas plum-pudding, fas-
tened themselves specially on Ranulf, and putting
out a vast hand, he shook a forefinger as large as
a bolster at him, saying
" Now, I know you are expecting me to say
Fe-fo-fum, something about grinding bones, and
all that."
" Y-e-e-e-e-s, sir," said Ranulf, half frightened,
but only half ; for the jolly face was so good-hu-
moured that it was almost impossible to be afraid.
INVITING A LARGE PARTY. 217
" Well," said Blunderbore, taking him up on
his vast hand, " giants in Blunderland don't talk
rubbish of that kind, and they are not such geese
as to grind bones when they want to make bread."
" Come in, Blunderbore ; we will make room
for you," came in a surging ripple from hundreds
of fair lips, while, with many a rustle of silk and
velvet, they cleared a large space on one side of
the amphitheatre, the seats of which rose in tiers
one above the other.
" Well, but your ceiling is so low. However,
2l8 BEETLE-CRUSHERS.
perhaps old Blunderbore can cure that for you,"
said the giant, as, pushing his head in below the
ombrelle of flowers, he placed his forefinger in
the centre of the white lily at the top, and, appa
rently without an effort, raised the canopy aloft.
Showers of diamond drops fell thick and fast
from between the fern-leaves as the gorgeous
ceiling rose, faster and ever faster, till at every
leaf there stood a glassy pillar, glittering and
sparkling with wondrous lustre, and in a twinkling
the bower became a crystal floral palace, to which
that of Covent Garden is but a dingy, dull, de-
pressing dungeon. Blunderbore then made his
way through the crowd with great care, of which
there was much need, his feet being nearly as big
as the dingies of a ship of the line, and seated
himself on the side of the hall that had been
vacated for his accommodation. He certainly
was very unlike the old kind of Blunderbore, from
the top of his three-cornered hat down to the
red heels of his buckled shoes. A magnificent
single-breasted coat and long flap-waistcoat, with
A GREAT SWELL. 2 19
golden stripes, separated by lines of rich maroon-
coloured velvet, took the place of the short arm-
less blouse, and the great belt with a buckle like
a wicket-gate, that are supposed generally to be
the orthodox costume of gentlemen more than
eight feet high. And instead of the gnarled club
or grievous crab-tree cudgel of the story-books,
our Blunderbore carried a most elegant cane with
a golden top. It is true that the cane was as
thick as an ordinary lamp-post, but still it looked
quite neat and tiny, appearing slight enough in
Blunderbore's vast hand to suit the most foppish
taste. His breeches were of yellow satin, below
which were stockings of silk of the same colour,
and his curly hair was of a golden tint. Alto-
gether, he made a most presentable-looking giant,
and seemed to be a special favourite with the
ladies, to whom, as he sat down, he kissed his
hand right gallantly. This done, he produced
from his waistcoat-pocket a snuff-box, larger than
a full-sized trunk, and took a pinch out of it, giving
his hand an elegant shake in fact, quite a la Cox-
220 NOTES ON DEMAND.
comme il faut of the last century, sending a shower
of snuff from his fingers like the stream from the
rose of a watering-pot. This, the boys expected,
would set every one sneezing ; but such snuff was
not likely to get into any one's nostril by accident,
the particles being as large as ordinary peas, and
no one seemed inclined intentionally to make his
nose a pis alter for what the giant threw away.
As what remained between his fingers would have
stuffed an ordinary pillow, it proved that Blunder-
bore was anything but a bad fellow at a pinch,
and completely allayed the fears of our little men,
so that they were not the least alarmed when he
gave a terrific sneeze, like a squall of a north-
easterly gale a perfect Blunder Boreas.
" Now, then," said he, " what can I do to pro-
mote the harmony of the meeting ? "
" Give us some music ; let's have a Monstre
Concert," was the cry that rose on every side.
" All right," said Blunderbore ; " will you have
the Jolly Waggoner ? "
" No, no ! no Wagner, please ; we don't want
60 TO I. 221
the music of the future ; no promissory notes
for us.*
"Well, I daresay you are right," replied Blun-
derbore ; " the music of the future is no pastime.
What do you say to a present of Chopin Mor-
ceaux ? "
" The very thing," arose in a shout of delight
from every side.
"All right, then; here goes," said the giant;
" and I am sure you will admit that I give you ad-
mirable concerted pieces."
The ladies seemed to know what was going to
happen, for about 60 of them at once clustered
round Blunderbore.
" Are you ready ? " said the giant.
" Yes," rippled in feminine tones all around
him.
Blunderbore at once stiffened up, in a manner
that formed a marked contrast to his previous
* Boys should take this as one of their mottoes " No bills or
promissory notes for us." There are too many sharps ready to
press them on young naturals and flats, and they very often end
in harsh keys and gloomy bars. ED.
222
AN ORGANIC CHANGE.
A VIGOROUS BREAKDOWN. 223
easy affability, squared at the whole company,
and displayed any amount of brass. It soon ap-
peared, however, that, just like a great many other
people when asked to give a little music, he was
making a fuss about the preliminaries, for pres-
ently, when he had looked stuck-up for a minute or
two, he executed a most elegant breakdown, end-
ing in a thoroughly organic change and brilliant
musical parts, which latter the ladies caught neatly
as they fell, and there, in a moment, stood a full
orchestra, with a monster organ in the middle, as
Blunderbore's gold-striped coat and waistcoat be-
came gilded pipes, his curly locks fell in a shower
of cornets and French horns, his stock made a
full-sized drum, his cuffs a couple of brass drums,
his cheeks a pair of cymbals, the bones of his nose
naturally became a group of trombones; the fingers
and nails scattering in a shower of violins, flutes,
piccolos, clarionets, and oboes, and the thumbs in
violas and bassoons ; his arms making a splendid
set of sax-horns, euphonions, and ophicleides ; the
legs forming two enormous double basses, and his
224 NO STRINGS NO CHORDS.
feet dividing into two pairs of violoncellos ; while
the pin at his breast dropped down as a neat jewel-
mounted conducting-baton, the cane bent itself
into a magnificent harp; and, to crown all, his hat
settled on the top of the organ, forming an elegant
carved screen over it. Tap, tap, went the baton
in the lovely hand of the conductress, as the
gentlemen formed themselves into animated music-
desks, which, in the case of the ladies who held
the different classes of violins, reversed the usual
saying, by giving them two bows to their strings.
Wave, wave, wave, swept the baton one, two,
three, and off they went in a grand overture, the
fair performers playing their parts (of Blunder-
bore) to perfection. The lady with the harp was
the only disconcerted one, for, unfortunately,
Blunderbore had lost the cords and tassels
of his walking-cane, so when formed into a harp
the instrument was stringless, and the lady hold-
ing it, who had a solo to play, was in despair.
Ranulf, seeing her distress, mounted the orchestra,
saying, as he looked and fumbled among the con-
HARPEGGIO. 225
fused mass that forms the proper contents of a
boy's pocket, " Here is something that will per-
haps do." The lady, seeing the coils over his
shoulder, misunderstood him ; and there being
no time to lose, she, in the very act of saying,
" Thank you, dear," slipped his nose off his
shoulder, and before he had time to know what
was to happen, strung it on the harp, up and
down, up and down, just as the conductress turned
towards her to indicate the time for her solo.
Her nimble feminine fingers were so gentle that
Ranulf was not at all put out, and there was little
time to think, for the beautiful arms were stretched
out, the taper-fingers gave a rapid wave, and the
harp poured out its richest notes, so that all stood
listening entranced, as the graceful fingers made
it speak, now in round rolling roughness, like the
storm ; now in rich fulness of music ; and now in
gentle brilliant trills, like the birds in a distant
wood. Ranulf himself, who had a good ear, drank
in the sweet sounds with eager delight, wonder-
ing as nothing since he left home had made him
p
226
THROUGH THE NOSE.
wonder But, in an evil moment, forgetting his
good manners, which forbid speaking when a solo
is going on, he exclaimed
" Oh, how awfully jolly ! "
Terrible was the result. Everybody knows
how horrid the sound is when a person speaks
holding his nose ; but then he only grasps it at one
place. Now Ranulfs, of course, was held at about
ANOTHER STYLE OF ORGAN. 227
a hundred places on the harp, and so it sounded
100 times over the fearful twang, making every-
body put hands to ears ; and the lady harpist,
whose sweetest notes had been made so false as
to turn her harp into a lyre, was so struck that
she looked despair as black as blue eyes could.
Instantly, an indignant but good-natured cry
burst forth from the ladies of the orchestra, as they
turned upon Ranulf and sang *
You've made a pretty mess, Sir Nose ;
Why did you try to chatter ?
A check you give to all our bows,
Our notes of hand you scatter ;
Our organ's drown-ed in a C
From nasal organ vile,
Which now by us shall punished be
In most pertickler style.
And so it was ; for all the ladies that were im-
mediately round the harp, arming themselves
with feathers from their hair, or flowers from their
bouquets, rushed off in a chorus and down upon
Ranulf, to tickle his long nose, singing
* Air " I'll strike you with a feather."
228 DEFENDING THE BRIDGE.
Little rogue, ha ! ha ! I'll make you pay
The false notes you have forced on us in this offensive
way.
I'll strike you with a feather,
I'll stab you with a rose,
For making of our harp a liar,
By talking through the nose.
And, suiting the action to the utterance, the fea-
thers and the roses were thrust forward in a score
of dainty hands to tickle poor Ranulfs offending
organ. But the lady who had strung him on her
harp, though she was shocked at the nasal twang
he had brought out of her and his instruments
combined, did not forget the aid he had given
when she was in a difficulty ; so, as the merry
group came to the attack, taking Ranulf up in her
arms, she seated him on the very top of the harp
out of reach (where, though not gilded, and in
knickerbockers, he did very well for a Cupid), and
did all in her power to protect him from the
thrusts of the feathers and roses. She succeeded
pretty well while only her own sex were engaged,
for, being a harpist, she could move her hands
rapidly over the strings and wave off the attack in
TWO TOO MANY. 229
all directions. But what was Ranulf s horror to
see Norval and Jaques, like a pair of rogues as
they were, unable to resist the temptation to join
the fun, thrust their long neck and arms over the
bevy of fair ladies who surrounded him Norval
with a rose in his mouth, and Jaques with a
feather in his hand. Ranulf knew at once that
he must go off into fits, for the lady could not pro-
tect him from the wild flights of the long neck and
hands as they flew about tickling his poor nose in
all directions. He resigned himself to his fate,
slid down to the ground, and went off in screams
of laughter, while the merry chorus round him
sang
Lazy dog, ha ! ha ! wake up, I say,
You surely don't intend to sleep upon the rug all day.
I'll strike you with a feather,
I'll stab you with a rose,
Unless you stop that horrid snore,
That's groaning through your nose.
And as he lay, the arms were still out to protect
him, only, instead of their being uncovered except
by handsome bracelets at the wrist, they seemed
CHANGE ARMS.
to get grown over with something very like brown
merino; and when a voice spoke, saying, "Now,
boys, leave him alone, will you ? stop tickling
him at once," it was that of his nurse (for whom
his pet name, appropriately, was Harpin) ; and
ABOUT THE END OF IT. 231
there he lay, sprawling on his back on the rug,
as she kept his brothers off him.
" But where's my nose ? " he exclaimed, as on
putting up his hand, to his tickled face he found
that his coils were gone.
This question was received with a shout of
laughter, in which Harpin joined, and Ranulf
awoke to the fact that he had been dreaming.
But although he has. returned from Blunder-
land, leaving behind him his long nose, he has
brought a pretty long tail home with him instead
of it ; and now, as he was often taught never to be
a tale-bearer, it has been carried to the Black
woods, and hid away in these leaves, in the hope
that it may amuse other little people who chance
to unfold it.
THE END.
PRINTED BV WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SO
3LUNDERTOWN
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