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PARIS NIGHTS
AENOLD BENNETT
AUTISTIC KVKXING (Page 1)
PARIS NIGHTS!
AND OTHER IMPRESSIONS
OF PLACES AND PEOPLE
BY
ARNOLD BENNETT
AUTHOR OF THE OLD WIVES' TALE, CLAYHANGBR
YOUR UNITED STATES, ETC., ETC.
With Illustrations by
E. A. RICKARDS, F. R. I. B. A.
TORONTO
THE MUSSON BOOK COMPANY
LIMITED
LIBRARY
•W-tW*J»w^U*W!UUA*..
|
-ox 30
ax 1981 /
COPTRIGHT, 1913
BT GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
CONTENTS
PARIS NIGHTS (1910) PAGE
I. ARTISTIC EVENING 1
II. THE VARIETES 13
III. EVENING WITH EXILES .... 21
IV. BOURGEOIS 38
V. CAUSE CELEBRE 55
VI. RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET AT THE
OPERA 65
LIFE IN LONDON (1911)
I. THE RESTAURANT ..... 83
II. BY THE RIVER 90
III. THE CLUB 97
IV. THE CIRCUS 103
V. THE BANQUET 109
VI. ONE OF THE CROWD . 116
ITALY (1910)
I. NIGHT AND MORNING IN FLORENCE 127
II. THE SEVENTH OF MAY, 1910 ... 148
III. MORE ITALIAN OPERA .... 154
Y
CONTENTS— (Continued)
THE RIVIERA (1907)
I. THE HOTEL TRISTE 163
II. WAR! 168
III. "MONTE" 174
IV. A DIVERSION AT SAN REMO . . 184
FONTAINEBLEAU (1904-1909)
I. FIRST JOURNEY INTO THE FOREST 193
II. SECOND JOURNEY INTO THE FOREST 199
III. THE CASTLE GARDENS 203
IV. AN ITINERARY 206
SWITZERLAND (1909-1911)
I. THE HOTEL ON THE LANDSCAPE . . 215
II. HOTEL PROFILES 228
III. ON A MOUNTAIN . 234
ENGLAND AGAIN (1907)
I. THE GATE OF THE EMPIRE ... 243
II. AN ESTABLISHMENT 249
HI. AMUSEMENTS 254
IV. MANCHESTER. 259
V. LONDON 264
VI. INDUSTRY . . .
CONTENTS— ( Continued )
THE MIDLANDS (1910-1911)
I. THE HANBRIDGE EMPIRE ... 277
II. THE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE ... 284
III. FIRST VOYAGE TO THE ISLE OF MAN .290
IV. THE ISLAND BOARDING-HOUSE . . 298
V. TEN HOURS AT BLACKPOOL . 305
THE BRITISH HOME (1908)
I. AN EVENING AT THE SMITHS' . . 317
II. THE GREAT MANNERS QUESTION . 322
III. SPENDING— AND GETTING VALUE . 327
IV. THE PARENTS 332
V. HARRY'S POINT OF VIEW ... 337
VI. THE FUTURE 342
STREETS ROADS AND TRAINS (1907-1909)
I. IN WATLING STREET .... 349
II. STREET TALKING 361
III. ON THE ROAD 367
IV. A TRAIN 374
V. ANOTHER TRAIN . 379
ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
ARTISTIC EVENING Frontispiece
SOME JAPANESE MUSIC ON THE PLEYEL . 6
A NEW GUEST ARRIVED 10
OPPOSITE THE "MOULIN ROUGE" ... 18
MONTMARTRE 22
LA DAME DU COMPTOIR 30
A BY-PRODUCT OF RUSSIAN POLITICS . . 40
CAUSE CELEBRE 56
THEY INSPIRE RESPECT 62
LES SYLPHIDES 68
FRAGILE AND BEAUTIFUL ODALISQUES . 70
THE UNFORGETTABLE SEASON .... 72
AN HONEST MISS 74
SCHEHERAZADE 76
CHIEF EUNUCH .78
HE IS VERY DEFERENTIAL 84
THE RESTAURANT 86
THE BAND 88
IX
ILLUSTRATIONS— (Continued)
PAGE
IN THE EMBANKMENT GARDENS ... 92
HE SLUMBERS ALONE 98
THE CLUB OF THE FUTURE 102
FLOWER WOMEN 106
PICCADILLY CIRCUS 108
FROM BAYSWATER TO THE CIRCUS ... 110
FROM SOUTH LONDON TO THE CIRCUS . 112
FROM WEST KENSINGTON TO THE CIRCUS 116
WAITING FOR THE 'BUS AT THE CIRCUS . 118
THE ORCHESTRA PROVES THAT ITS IN-
STRUMENTS ARE REAL 126
WHY DO THEY COME ? 146
LESS UNHAPPY HERE THAN AT HOME . . 150
A HUMAN BEING TALKING TO ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING 166
GAMBLING AT MONTE CARLO .... 174
HOW BALZACIAN ! 196
ON THE TERRACE OF THE CASTLE ... 198
GUARDS OF THE CASTLE 200
THE CASTLE GARDENS ...... 204
ARBONNE 210
THE CATHEDRAL OF LARCH ANT . 212
ILLUSTRATIONS— (Continued)
PAGE
THE LADY CLOG-DANCER 282
THE VOYAGE 292
THE ISLAND BOARDING HOUSE .... 298
YOU MEET SOME ONE ON THE STAIRS . . 300
FONTAINEBLEAU 366
THE LITTLE RIVER FUSAIN 370
ASILE DE ST. SEVERIN 372
CHATEAU LANDON 374
PARIS NIGHTS— 1910
AUTISTIC EVENING
The first invitation I ever received into a purely
Parisian interior might have been copied out of a
novel by Paul B our get. Its lure was thus phrased :
ffUn pen de musique et d* agreables femmes.3' It
answered to my inward vision of Paris. My expe-
riences in London, which fifteen years earlier I had
entered with my mouth open as I might have en-
tered some city of Oriental romance, had, of course,
done little to destroy my illusions about Paris, for
the ingenuousness of the artist is happily inde-
structible. Hence, my inward vision of Paris was
romantic, based on the belief that Paris was es-
sentially "different." Nothing more banal in Lon-
don than a "little music," or even "some agreeable
women"! But what a difference between a little
music and un pen de musique! What an exciting
difference between agreeable women and agreables
femmes! After all, this difference remains nearly
intact to this day. Nobody who has not lived in-
timately in and with Paris can appreciate the unique
savour of that word femmes. " Women" is a fine
word, a word which, breathed in a certain tone,
will make all men — even bishops, misogynists, and
political propagandists — fall to dreaming! But
femmes is yet more potent. There cling to it the
associations of a thousand years of dalliance in
a land where dalliance is passionately understood.
2 PARIS NIGHTS
The usual Paris flat, high up, like the top drawer
of a chest of drawers! No passages, but multitudi-
nous doors. In order to arrive at any given room it
is necessary to pass through all the others. I
passed through the dining-room, where a servant
with a marked geometrical gift had arranged a
number of very small plates round the rim of a vast
circular table. In the drawing-room my host was
seated at a grand piano with a couple of candles in
front of him and a couple of women behind him.
See the light glinting on bits of the ebon piano, and
on his face, and on their chins and jewels, and on the
corner of a distant picture frame; and all the rest
of the room obscure! He wore a jacket, negli-
gently; the interest of his attire was dramatically
centred in his large, limp necktie; necktie such as
none but a hero could unfurl in London. A man
with a very intelligent face, eager, melancholy (with
a sadness acquired in the Divorce Court), wistful,
appealing. An idealist! He called himself a pub-
licist. One of the women, a musical composer, had
a black skirt and a white blouse; she was ugly but
provocative. The other, all in white, was pretty
and sprightly, but her charm lacked the perverse-
ness which is expected and usually found in Paris;
she painted, she versified, she recited. With the eye
of a man who had sat for years in the editorial chair
of a ladies' paper, I looked instinctively at the hang
of the skirts. It was not good. Those vague
frocks were such as had previously been something
else, and would soon be transformed by discreet
modifications into something still else. Candle-
ARTISTIC EVENING 3
light was best for them. But what grace of de-
meanour, what naturalness, what candid ease and
appositeness of greeting, what absence of self -con-
sciousness! Paris is the self -unconscious.
I was presented as le romancier anglais. It
sounded romantic. I thought: "What a false im-
pression they are getting, as of some vocation ex-
otic and delightful ! If only they knew the prose of
it!" I thought of their conception of England, a
mysterious isle. When Balzac desired to make a
woman exquisitely strange, he caused her to be born
in Lancashire.
My host begged permission to go on playing. In
the intervals of being a publicist, he composed
music, and he was now deciphering a manuscript
freshly written. I bent over between the two
women, and read the title :
"Ygdrasil: reverie."
When there were a dozen or fifteen people in the
room, and as many candles irregularly disposed like
lighthouses over a complex archipelago, I formed
one of a group consisting of those two women and
another, a young dramatist who concealed his ex-
pressive hands in a pair of bright yellow gloves,
and a middle-aged man whose constitution was ob-
viously. ruined. This last was librarian of some
public library — I forget which — and was stated to
be monstrously erudite in all literatures. I asked
him whether he had of late encountered anything
new and good in English.
4 PARIS NIGHTS
"I have read nothing later than Swinburne," he
replied in a thin, pinched voice— like his features,
like his wary and suffering eyes. Speaking with
an icy, glittering pessimism, he quoted Stendhal to
the effect that a man does not change after twenty-
five. He supported the theory bitterly and joy-
ously, and seemed to taste the notion of his own in-
tellectual rigidity, of his perfect inability to receive
new ideas and sensations, as one tastes an olive.
The young dramatist, in a beautifully curved
phrase, began to argue that certain emotional and
purely intellectual experiences did not come under
the axiom, but the librarian would have none of such
a reservation. Then the women joined in, and it
was just as if they had all five learnt off by heart
one of Landor's lighter imaginary conversations,
and were performing it. Well convinced that they
were all five absurdly wrong, fanciful, and senti-
mental either in optimism or pessimism, I neverthe-
less stood silent and barbaric. Could I cut across
that lacework of shapely elegant sentences and ap-
posite gestures with the jagged edge of what in
England passes for a remark? The librarian was
serious in his eternal frost. The dramatist had the
air of being genuinely concerned about the matter;
he spoke with deference to the librarian, with chival-
rous respect to the women, and to me with glances
of appeal for help ; possibly the reason was that he
was himself approaching the dreadful limit of
twenty-five. But the women's eyes were always
contradicting the polite seriousness of their tones.
Their eyes seemed to be always mysteriously talk-
ARTISTIC EVENING 5
ing about something else; to be always saying: "All
this that you are discussing is trivial, but I am brood-
ing for ever on what alone is important." This,
while true of nearly all women, is disturbingly true
of Parisians. The ageing librarian, by dint of
freezing harder, won the altercation: it was as
though he stabbed them one by one with a dagger of
ice. And presently he was lecturing them. The
women were now admiring him. There was some-
thing in his face worn by maladies, in his frail phys-
ical unpleasantness, and in his frigid and total
disgust with life, that responded to their secret
dream. Their gaze caressed him, and he felt it
falling on him like snow. That he intensely en-
joyed his existence was certain.
They began talking low among themselves, the
women, and there was an outburst of laughter;
pretty giggling laughter. The two who had been
at the piano stood aside and whispered and laughed
with a more intimate intimacy, struggling to sup-
press the laughter, and yet every now and then
letting it escape from sheer naughtiness. They
cried. It was the fou rire. Impossible to believe
that a moment before they had been performing in
one of Landor's imaginary conversations, and that
they were passionately serious about art and life
and so on. They might have been schoolgirls.
"Farceuses, toutes les deux!33 said the host, com-
ing up, delightfully indulgent, but shocked that
women to whom he had just played Ygdrasil,
should be able so soon to throw off the spell of it.
The pretty and sprightly woman, all in white,
6 PARIS NIGHTS
despairing, whisked impulsively out of the room, in
order to recall to herself amid darkness and cloaks
and hats that she was not a giddy child, but an ex-
perienced creature of thirty if she was a day. She
came back demure, her eyes liquid, brooding.
,* # * *
"By the way," said the young dramatist to the
host, "Your People's Concert scheme — doesn't it
move?"
"By the way," said the host, suddenly excited,
"Shall we hold a meeting of the committee now?"
He had a project for giving performances of the
finest music to the populace at a charge of five sous
per head. It was the latest activity of the publicist
in him. The committee appeared to consist of
everybody who was standing near. He drew me
into it, because, coming from London, I was of
course assumed to be a complete encyclopaedia of
London and to be capable of furnishing detailed
statistics about all twopence-halfpenny enterprises
in London for placing the finest music before the
people. The women, especially the late laughers,
were touched by the beauty of the idea underlying
the enterprise, and their eyes showed that at instants
they were thinking sympathetically of the far-off
"people." The librarian remained somewhat apart,
as it were with a rifle, and maintained a desolating
fire of questions : "Was the scheme meant to improve
the people or to divert them? Would they come?
Would they like the finest music? Why five sous?
Why not seven, or three? Was the enterprise to be
self-supporting?" The host, with his glance fixed in
SOME JAPANESE MUSIC ON THE PLEYEL (Page 8)
ARTISTIC EVENING 7
appeal on me (it seemed to me that he was entreating
me to accept him as a serious publicist, warning me
not to be misled by appearances) — the host replied
to all these questions with the sweetest, politest,
wistful patience, as well as he could. Certainly the
people would like the finest music ! The people had
a taste naturally distinguished and correct. It was
we who were the degenerates. The enterprise must
be and would be self-supporting. No charity! No,
he had learnt the folly of charity! But naturally
the artists would give their services. They would
be paid in terms of pleasure. The financial diffi-
culty was that, whereas he would not charge more
than five sous a head for admission, he could not
hire a hall at a rent which worked out to less than a
franc a head. Such was the problem before the
committee meeting! Dufayel, the great shop-
keeper, had offered to assist him. . . . The li-
brarian frigidly exposed the anti-social nature of
Dufayel's business methods, and the host hurriedly
made him a present of Dufayel. Dufayel's help
could not be conscientiously accepted. The prob-
lem then remained! . . . London? London,
so practical? As an encyclopaedia of London I was
not a success. Politeness hid a general astonishment
that, freshly arrived from London, I could not sug-
gest a solution, could not say what London would
do in a like quandary, nor even what London had
done I
"We will adjourn it to our next meeting," said
the host, and named day, hour, and place. And the
committee smoothed business out of its brow and
8 PARIS NIGHTS
dissolved itself, while at the host's request a girl
performed some Japanese music on the Pleyel.
When it was finished, the librarian, who had
listened to Japanese music at an embassy, said that
this was not Japanese music. "And thou knowest
it well," he added. The host admitted that it was
not really Japanese music, but he insisted with his
plaintive smile that the whole subject of Japanese
music was very interesting and enigmatic.
Then the pretty sprightly woman, all in white,
went and stood behind an arm-chair and recited a
poem, admirably, and with every sign of emotion.
Difficult to believe that she had ever laughed, that
she did not exist continually at these heights! She
bowed modestly, a priestess of the poet, and came
out from behind the chair.
"By whom?" demanded the librarian.
And a voice answered, throbbing: "Henri de
Regnier."
"Indeed," said the librarian with cold, careless
approval, "it is pretty enough."
But I knew, from the tone alone of the answering
voice, that the name of Henri de Regnier was a
sacred name, and that when it had been uttered the
proper thing was to bow the head mutely, as before
a Botticelli.
"I have something here," said the host, producing
one of these portfolios which hurried men of affairs
carry under their arms in the streets of Paris, and
which are called serviettes; this one, however, was of
red morocco. The pretty, sprightly woman sprang
forward blushing to obstruct his purpose, but other
ARTISTIC EVENING 9
hands led her gently away. The host, using the
back of the arm-chair for a lectern, read alternately
poems of hers and poems of his own. And he, too,
spoke with every sign of emotion. I had to con-
quer my instinctive British scorn for these people
because they would not at any rate pretend that
they were ashamed of the emotion of poetry. Their
candour appeared to me, then, weak, if not actually
indecent. The librarian admitted occasionally that
something was pretty enough. The rest of the
company maintained a steady fervency of enthusi-
asm. The reader himself forgot all else in his in-
creasing ardour, and thus we heard about a score
of poems — all, as we were told, unpublished — to-
gether with the discussion of a score of poems.
We all sat around the rim of an immense circle
of white tablecloth. Each on a little plate had a
portion of pineapple ice and in aj little glass a
draught of Asti. Far away, in the centre of the
diaper desert, withdrawn and beyond reach, lay a
dish containing the remains of the ice. Except
fans and cigarette-cases, there was nothing else on
the table whatever. Some one across the table
asked me what I had recently finished, and I said a
play. Everybody agreed that it must be translated
into French. The Paris theatres simply could not
get good plays. In a few moments it was as if the
entire company was beseeching me to allow my
comedy to be translated and produced with dazzling
success at one of the principal theatres on the boule-
10 BARIS NIGHTS
vard. But I would not. I said my play was un-
suitable for the French stage.
"Because?"
"Because it is too pure."
I had meant to be mildly jocular. But this joke
excited mirth that surpassed mildness. "Thou
hearest that? He says his play is too pure for us !"
My belief is that they had never heard one of these
strange, naive, puzzling barbarians make a joke be-
fore, and that they regarded the thing in its novelty
as really too immensely and exotically funny, in
some manner which they could not explain to them-
selves. Beneath their politeness I could detect
them watching me, after that, in expectation of an-
other outbreak of insular humour. I might have
been tempted to commit follies, had not a new guest
arrived. This was a tall, large-boned, ugly, coquet-
tish woman, with a strong physical attractiveness
and a voice that caused vibrations in your soul. She
was in white, with a powerful leather waistband
which suited her. She was intimate with everybody
except me, and by a natural gift and force she held
the attention of everybody from the moment of her
entrance. You could see she was used to that.
The time was a quarter to midnight, and she ex-
plained that she had been trying to arrive for hours,
but could not have succeeded a second sooner. She
said she must recount her journee^ and she re-
counted her journee, which, after being a vague pre-
historic nebulosity up to midday seemed to begin to
take a definite shape about that hour. It was the
journee of a Parisienne who is also an amateur
nfj,^1- fi
^
A NEW GUEST ARRIVED (Po^e
ARTISTIC EVENING 11
actress and a dog-fancier. And undoubtedly all
her days were the same: battles waged against
clocks and destiny. She had no sense of order or of
time. She had no exact knowledge of anything;
she had no purpose in life; she was perfectly futile
and useless. But she was acquainted with the secret
nature of men and women; she could judge them
shrewdly; she was the very opposite of the ingenue;
and by her physical attractiveness, and that deep,
thrilling voice, and her distinction of gesture and
tone, she created in you the illusion that she was a
capable and efficient woman, absorbed in the most
important ends. She sat down negligently behind
the host, waving away all ice and Asti, and busily
fanning both him and herself. She flattered him
by laying her ringed and fluffy arm along the back
of his chair.
"Do you know," she said, smiling at him myste-
riously. "I have made a strange discovery to-day.
Paris gives more towards the saving of lost dogs
than towards the saving of lost women. Very curi-
ous, is it not?"
The host seemed to be thunderstruck by this
piece of information. The whole table was agitated
by it, and a tremendous discussion was set on foot.
I then witnessed for the first time the spectacle of
a fairly large mixed company talking freely about
scabrous facts. Then for the first time was I
eased from the strain of pretending in a mixed com-
pany that things are not what they in fact are. To
listen to those women, and to watch them listening,
was as staggering as it would have been to see them
12 PARIS NIGHTS
pick up red-hot irons in their feverish, delicate
hands. Their admission that they knew every-
thing, that no corner of existence was dark enough
to frighten them into speechlessness, was the chief
of their charms, then. It intensified their acute
femininity. And while they were thus gravely
talking, ironical, sympathetic, amused, or indig-
nant, they even yet had the air of secretly thinking
about something else.
Discussions of such subjects never formally end,
for the talkers never tire of them. This subject was
discussed in knots all the way down six flights of
stairs by the light of tapers and matches. I left the
last, because I wanted to get some general informa-
tion from my host about one of his guests.
" She is divorcing her husband," he said, with the
simple sad pride of a man who had been a petitioner
in the matrimonial courts. "For the rest, you
never meet any but divorced women at my place.
It saves complications. So have no fear."
We shook hands warmly.
"An revolr, mon ami"
"Au revoir, mon cher"
II
THE YAElf Tlfe
The filth and the paltry shabbiness of the en-
trance to the theatre amounted to cynicism. In-
stead of uplifting by a foretaste of light and mag-
nificence, as the entrance to a theatre should, it de-
pressed by its neglected squalour. Twenty years
earlier it might have cried urgently for cleansing
and redecoration, but now it was long past crying.
It had become vile. In the centre at the back sat
a row of three or four officials in evening dress,
prosperous clubmen with glittering rakish hats, at
a distance of twenty feet, but changing as we ap-
proached them to indigent, fustian-clad ticket-
clerks penned in a rickety rostrum and condemned
like sandwich-men to be ridiculous in order to live.
(Their appearance recalled to my mind the fact
that a "front-of-the-house" inspector at the prin-
cipal music-hall in France and in Europe is paid
thirty sous a night.) They regarded our tickets
with gestures of scorn, weariness, and cupidity.
None knew better than they that these coloured
scraps represented a large lovely gold coin, rare and
yet plentiful, reassuring and yet transient, the price
of coals, boots, nectar, and love.
We came to a very narrow, low, foul, semi-circu-
lar tunnel which was occupied by hags and harpies
13
14 PARIS NIGHTS
with pink bows in their hair, and by marauding men,
and by hats and cloaks and overcoats, and by a
double odour of dirt and disinfectants. Along the
convex side of the tunnel were a number of little
doors like the doors of cells. We bought a pro-
gramme from a man, yielded our wraps to two har-
pies, and were led away by another man. All these
beings looked hungrily apprehensive, like dogs
nosing along a gutter. The auditorium which was
nearly full, had the same characteristics as the
porch and the couloir. It was filthy, fetid, uncom-
fortable, and dangerous. It had the carpets of a
lodging-house of the 'seventies, the seats of an old
omnibus, the gilt and the decorated sculpture of a
circus at a fair. And it was dingy! It was en-
crusted with dinginess!
Something seemed to be afoot on the stage : from
the embittered resignation of the audience and the
perfunctory nonchalance of the players, we knew
that this could only be the curtain-raiser. The hour
was ten minutes past nine. The principal piece was
advertised to commence at nine o'clock. But the
curtain-raiser was not yet finished, and after it was
finished there would be the entr'acte — one of the re-
nowned, interminable entr'actes of the Theatre
des Varietes.
^ 4 ^ «*
The Varietes is still one of the most "truly Paris-
ian" of theatres, and has been so since long before
Zola described it fully in Nana. The young bloods
of Buenos Ayres and St. Petersburg still have vis-
ions of an evening at the Varietes as the superlative
f HIE VARIETES IS
of intense living. Every theatre with a reputation
has its "note," and the note of the Varietes is to
make a fool of its public. Its attitude to the public
is that of an English provincial hotel or an English
bank: "Come, and be d — d to you! Above all, do
not imagine that I exist for your convenience. You
exist for mine." At the Varietes bad management
is good management ; slackness is a virtuous coquet-
terie. It would never do, there, to be prompt, clean,
or honest. To make the theatre passably habitable
would be ruin. Its chic would be lost if it ceased to
be a Hades of discomfort and a menace to health.
There is a small troupe of notorious artistes, some
of whom show great talent when it occurs to them
to show it ; the vogue of the rest is one of the innu-
merable mysteries which abound in theatrical life.
It is axiomatic that they are all witty, and that what-
ever lines they enunciate thereby become witty.
They are simply side-splitting as Sydney Smith was
simply side-splitting when he asked for the potatoes
to be passed. Also the manager of the theatre al-
ways wears an old straw hat, summer and winter.
He is the wearer of an eternal battered straw hat,
who incidentally manages a theatre. You go along
the boulevard, and you happen to see that
straw hat emerging from the theatre. And by
the strange potency of the hat you will be
obliged to say to the next acquaintance you
meet: "I've just seen Samuel in his straw
hat." And the thought in your mind and in the
mind of your acquaintance will be that you are
getting very near the heart of Paris.
16 PARIS NIGHTS
Beyond question the troupe of favourites consid-
ers itself to be the real centre of Paris, and, there-
fore, of civilisation. Practically the entire Press,
either by good nature, stupidity, snobbishness, or
simple cash transactions, takes part in the vast make-
believe that the troupe is conferring a favour on
civilisation by consenting to be alive. And the
troupe of course behaves accordingly. It puts its
back into the evening when it thinks it will, and
when it thinks it won't, it doesn't. "Aux Varietes
on travaille quand on ale temps." The rise of the
curtain awaits the caprice of a convivial green-room.
"Don't hurry — the public is getting impatient."
Naturally, the underlings are not included in the
benefits of the make-believe. "At rehearsals we
may wait two hours for the principals," a chorus-
girl said to me. "But if we are five minutes late,
one flings us a fine. A hundred francs a month I
touch, and it has happened to me to pay thirty in
fines. Some one gets all that, you know!" She
went off into an impassioned description of scenes
at rehearsals of a ballet, how the ballet-master, after
epical outbursts, would always throw up his arms in
inexpressible disgust and retire to his room, and how
the women would follow him and kiss and cajole
and hug him, and how then, after a majestic pause,
his step could be heard slowly descending the stairs,
and at last the rehearsal would resume. . . .
The human interest, no doubt!
The Varietes has another role and justification.
It is what the French call a women's theatre.
When I asked a well-known actress why the entr'-
THE VARlTS 17
actes at the Varietes were so long, she replied with
her air of finding even the most bizarre phenomena
quite natural: "There are several reasons. One is,
so that the gentlemen may have time to write notes
and to receive answers." I did not conceal my
sense of the oddness of this method of conducting
a theatre, whereupon she reminded me that it was
the Varietes we were talking about. She said that
little by ttttle I should understand all sorts of
things.
& * * *
As the principal piece progressed — it was an
operette — the apathy of the public grew more and
more noticeable. They seemed to have forgotten
that they were in one of the most truly Parisian of
theatres, watching players whose names were house-
hold words and synonyms of wit and allurement.
There was no applause, save from a claque which
had carried discipline to the extreme. The favour-
ites were evidently in one of their moods of casual-
ness. Either the piece had run too long or it was
not going to run long enough. It was a piece
brightly and jinglingly vulgar, ministering, of
course, in the main, to the secret concupiscence which
drives humanity forward; titillating, like most
stage-spectacles, all that is base, inept, and gross in
a crowd whose units are perhaps, not quite odious.
A few of the performers had moments of real bril-
liance. But even these flashes did not stir the pub-
lic, whose characteristic was stolidity. A public
which, having regard to the conditions of the par-
ticular theatre, necessarily consisted of simple snob-
18 PARIS NIGHTS
bish gulls whose creed is whatever they read or hear,
with an admixture of foreigners, provincials, ad-
venturers, and persons who, having no illusions,
go to the Varietes because they have been to every-
thing else and must go somewhere! The first half-
dozen rows of the stalls were reserved for males: a
custom which at the Varietes has survived from a
more barbaric age, as the custom of the finger-bowl
has survived in the repasts of the polite. The self-
satisfied and self-conscious occupants of these rows
seemed to summarise and illustrate all the various
masculine stupidity of a great and proud city. To
counterbalance this preponderance of the male, I
could glimpse, behind the lath grilles of the cages
called baignoires, the forms of women (each
guarded) who I hope were incomparable. The
sight of these grilles at once sent the mind to the
seraglio, and the House of Commons, and other
fastnesses of Orientalism.
The evening was interminable, not for me alone,
but obviously for the majority of the audience.
Impossible to describe the dull fortitude of the au-
dience without being accused of wilful exaggera-
tion! Only in the entr'actes, in the amplitude and
dubious mystery of the entr'actes, did the audience
arouse itself into the semblance of vivacity. There
was but little complaining. Were we not at the
Varietes? At the Varietes, to suffer was part of
the entertainment. The French public is a public
which accepts all in Christian meekness — all! It
knows that it exists for the convenience of the
bureaucracy and the theatres. It covers its coward-
OPPOSITE THE "MOULIN ROUGE" (Paye
THE VARI^T^S 19
ice under a mantle of philosophy and politeness.
Its fierce protest is a shrug. "Que voulez-vous?
C'est comme pa/'
£ j* * &
At last, at nearly half after midnight, we came
forth, bitterly depressed, as usual, by the deep con-
sciousness of futile waste. I could see, in my pre-
occupation, the whole organism of the Varietes,
which is only the essence of the French theatre. A
few artistes and a financier or so at the core, wilful,
corrupt, self-indulgent, spoiled, venal, enormously
unbusinesslike, incredibly cynical, luxurious in the
midst of a crowd of miserable parasites and menials ;
creating for themselves, out of electric globes, and
newspapers, and posters, and photographs, and the
inexhaustible simplicity and sexuality of the public,
a legend of artistic greatness. They make a frame,
and hang a curtain in front of it, and put footlights
beneath; and lo! the capricious manoeuvres of these
mortals become the sacred, authoritative function-
ing of an institution!
It was raining. The boulevard was a mirror.
And along the reflecting surface of this mirror cab
after cab, hundreds of cabs, rolled swiftly. Dozens
and dozens were empty, and had no goal ; but none
would stop. They all went ruthlessly by with of-
fensive gestures of disdain. Strangers cannot be-
lieve that when a Paris cabman without a fare re-
fuses to stop on a wet night, it is not because he is
hoping for a client in richer furs, or because he is
going to the stables, or because he has earned enough
that night, or because he has an urgent appointment
20 PARIS NIGHTS
with his enchantress — but simply from malice.
Nevertheless this is a psychological fact which any
experienced Parisian will confirm. On a wet night
the cabman revenges himself upon the bourgeoisie,
though the base satisfaction may cost him money.
As we waited, with many other princes of the earth
who could afford to throw away a whole louis for a
few hours' relaxation, as we waited vainly in the
wet for a cabman who would condescend, I could
savour only one sensation — that of exasperating
tedium completely achieved.
Ill
EVENING WITH EXILES
I lived up at the top of the house, absolutely
alone. After eleven o'clock in the morning, when
my servant left, I was my own doorkeeper. Like
most solitaries in strange places, whenever I heard
a ring I had a feeling that perhaps after all it might
be the ring of romance. This time it was the tele-
graph-boy. I gave him a penny, because in
France, much more than in England, every one
must live, and the notion still survives that a tele-
gram has sufficient unusualness to demand a tip;
the same with a registered letter. I read the tele-
gram, and my evening lay suddenly in fragments
at my feet. The customary accident, the accident
dreaded by every solitary, had happened. "Sorry,
prevented from coming to-night," etc. It was not
yet six o'clock. I had in front of me a wilderness
of six hours to traverse. In my warm disgust I
went at once out in the streets. My flat had be-
come mysteriously uninhabitable, and my work re-
pugnant. The streets of Paris, by reason of their
hospitality, are a refuge.
The last sun of September was setting across the
circular Place Blanche. I sat down at the terrace
of the smallest cafe and drank tea. Exactly oppo-
site were the crimson wings of the Moulin Rouge,
and to the right was the establishment which then
22
PARIS NIGHTS
held first place among nocturnal restaurants in
Montmartre. It had the strange charm of a resort
which is never closed, night or day, and where money
and time are squandered with infantile fatuity.
Somehow it inspired respect, if not awe. Its ter-
race was seldom empty, and at that hour it was al-
ways full. Under the striped and valanced awn-
ing sat perhaps a hundred people, all slowly and de-
liberately administering to themselves poisons of
various beautiful colours. A crowd to give pause
to the divination of even the most conceited student
of human nature, a crowd in which the simplest
bourgeois or artist or thief sat next to men and
women exercising the oldest and most disreputable
professions — and it was impossible surely to dis-
tinguish which from which!
Out of the medley of trams, omnibuses, carts, au-
tomobiles, and cabs that continually rattled over the
cobbles, an open fiacre would detach itself every
minute or so, and set down or take up in front of
the terrace. Among these was one carrying two
young dandies, an elegantly dressed girl, and an-
other young girl in a servant's cap and apron.
They were all laughing and talking together. The
dandies and the elegancy got out and took a vacant
table amid the welcoming eager bows of a maitre
d* hotel, a chasseur, and a waiter. She was freshly
and meticulously and triumphantly got up, like an
elaborate confection of starched linen fresh from
the laundress. Her lips were impeccably rouged.
She delighted the eye by her health and her youth
and her pretty insolence. A single touch
/=*-
M'^c^te
'•? ./ • .-.:< ;-.'; 'u:,>;..-^
V^:t ¥^7
MONTiMARTRE
EVENING WITH EXILES 23
would have soiled her, but she had not yet been
touched. Her day had just begun. Probably, her
bed was not yet made. The black-robed, scissored
girls of the drapery store at the next angle of the
place were finishing their tenth hour of vigil over
goods displayed on the footpath. And next to that
was a creamery where black-robed girls could obtain
a whole day's sustenance for the price of one glass
of poison. Evidently the young creature had only
just arrived at the dignity of a fashionable dress-
maker, and a servant of her own. Her ingenuous
vanity obliged her to show her servant to the place,
and the ingenuous vanity of the servant was con-
tent to be shown off; for the servant might have a
servant to-morrow — who could tell? The cabman
and the servant 'began to converse, and presently
the cabman in his long fawn coat and white hat de-
scended and entered the vehicle and sat down by
the servant, and pulled out an illustrated comic
paper, and they bent their heads over it and giggled
enormously in unison; he was piling up money at
the rate of at least a sou a minute. Occasionally
the young mistress threw a loud sisterly remark to
the servant, who replied gaily. And the two young
dandies bore nobly the difficult role of world-worn
men who still count not the cost of smiles. Say
what you like, it was charming. It was one of the
reasons why Paris is the city which is always for-
given. Could one reasonably expect that the bright
face of the vapid little siren should be solemnised
by the thought: "To-day I am a day nearer forty
than I was yesterday"?
24 PARIS NIGHTS
The wings of the Moulin Rouge, jewelled now
with crimson lamps, began to revolve slowly. The
upper chambers of the restaurant showed lights be-
hind their mysteriously-curtained windows. The
terrace was suddenly bathed in the calm blue of elec-
tricity. No austere realism of the philosopher could
argue away the romance of the scene.
I turned down the steep Rue Blanche, and at the
foot of it passed by the shadow of the Trinite, the
great church of illicit assignations, at whose clock
scores of frightened and expectant hearts gaze anx-
iously every afternoon; and through the Rue de la
Chaussee d'Antin, where corsets are masterpieces
beyond price and flowers may be sold for a sover-
eign apiece, and then into the full fever of the grand
boulevard with its maddening restlessness of il-
luminated signs. The shops and cafes were all on
fire, making two embankments of fire, above which
rose high and mysterious facades masked by trees
that looked like the impossible verdure of an opera.
And between the summits of the trees a ribbon of
rich, dark, soothing purple — the sky ! This was the
city. This was what the race had accomplished,
after eighteen Louises and nearly as many revolu-
tions, and when all was said that could be said it re-
mained a prodigious and a comforting spectacle.
Every doorway shone with invitation; every satis-
faction and delight was offered, on terms ridicu-
lously reasonable. And binding everything to-
gether were the refined, neighbourly, and graceful
cynical gestures of the race: so different from the
EVENING WITH EXILES 25
harsh and awkward timidity, the self-centred ego-
tism and artistocratic hypocrisy of Piccadilly. It
seemed difficult to be lonely amid multitudes that so
candidly accepted human nature as human nature
is. It seemed a splendid and an uplifting thing to
be there. I continued southwards, down the nar-
row, swarming Rue Richelieu, past the immeasur-
able National Library on the left and Jean Goujon's
sculptures of the rivers of France on the right, and
past the Theatre Fran9ais, where nice plain people
were waiting to see UAventuriere, and across the
arcaded Rue de Rivoli. And then I was in the dark
desert of the Place du Carrousel, where the omni-
buses are diminished to toy-omnibuses. The town
was shut off by the vast arms of the Louvre. The
purple had faded out the sky. The wind, heralding
October, blew coldly across the spaces. The art-
fully arranged vista of the Champs Elysees, rising
in flame against the silhouette of Cleopatra's needle,
struck me as a meretricious device, designed to im-
press tourists and monarchs. Everything was
meretricious. I could not even strike a match with-
out being reminded that a contented and corrupt in-
efficiency was corroding this race like a disease. I
could not light my cigarette because somebody,
somewhere, had not done his job like an honest
man. And thus it was throughout.
I wanted to dine, and there were a thousand
restaurants within a mile; but they had all ceased
to invite me. I was beaten down by the over-
whelming sadness of one who for the time being
has no definite arranged claim to any friendly at-
•'
26 PARIS NIGHTS
tention in a huge city — crowded with pre-occu-
pied human beings. I might have been George
Gissing. I re-wrote all his novels for him in an
instant. I persisted southwards. The tiny walled
river, reflecting with industrious precision all its
lights, had no attraction. The quays, where all
the book shops were closed and all the bookstalls
locked down, and where there was never a cafe,
were as inhospitable and chill as Riga. Mist
seemed to heave over the river, and the pavements
were oozing damp.
I went up an entry and rang a bell, thinking to
myself: "If he isn't in, I am done for!" But at the
same moment I caught the sound of a violoncello,
and I knew I was saved, and by a miracle Paris was
herself again.
# # # *
"Not engaged for dinner, are you?" I asked, as
soon as I was in the studio.
"No. I was just thinking of going out."
"Well, let's go, then."
"I was scraping some bits of Gluck."
The studio was fairly large, but it was bare, un-
kempt, dirty, and comfortless. Except an old sofa,
two hard imperfect chairs, and an untrustworthy
table, it had no furniture. Of course, it was lit-
tered with the apparatus of painting. Its sole or-
namentation was pictures, and the pictures were
very fine, for they were the painter's own. He and
his pictures are well known among the painters of
Europe and America. Successful artistically, and
with an adequate private income, he was a full mem-
EVENING WITH EXILES 27
ber of the Champ de Mars Salon, and he sold his
pictures upon occasion to Governments. Although
a British subject, he had spent nearly all his life in
Paris ; he knew the streets and resorts of Paris like
a Frenchman; he spoke French like a Frenchman.
I never heard of him going to England. I never
heard him express a desire to go to England. His
age was perhaps fifty, and I dare say that he had
lived in that studio for a quarter of a century, with
his violoncello. It was plain, as he stood there, well
dressed, and with a vivacious and yet dreamy eye,
that the zest of life had not waned in him. He was
a man who, now as much as ever, took his pleasure
in seeing and painting beautiful, suave, harmonious
things. And yet he stood there unapologetic amid
that ugly and narrow discomfort, with the sheet of
music pinned carelessly to an easel, and lighted by
a small ill-regulated lamp with a truncated, dirty
chimney — sole illumination of the chamber! His
vivacious and dreamy eye simply did not see all that,
never had seen it, never saw anything that it did not
care to see. Nobody ever heard him multiply words
about a bad picture, for example, — he would ignore
it.
With a gesture of habit that must have taken
years to acquire he took a common rose-coloured
packet of caporal cigarettes from the table by the
lamp and offered it to me, pushing one of the cig-
arettes out beyond its fellows from behind; you
knew that he was always handling cigarettes.
"It's not really arranged for 'cello," he mur-
mured, gazing at the music, which was an air from
28 PATHS NIGHTS
Alceste, arranged for violin. "You see it's in tHe
treble clef."
"I wish you'd play it," I said.
He sat down and played it, because he was inter-
ested in it. With his greying hair and his fashion-
able grey suit, and his oldest friend, the brown 'cello,
gleaming between his knees, he was the centre of a
small region of light in the gloomy studio, and the
sound of the 'cello filled the studio. He had no
home; but if he had had a home this would have
been his home, and this his home-life. As a private
individual, as distinguished from a public artist,
this was what he had arrived at. He had secured
this refuge, and invented this relaxation, in the mid-
dle of Paris. By their aid he could defy Paris.
There was something wistful about the scene, but it
was also impressive, at any rate to me, who am
otherwise constituted. He was an exile in the city
of exiles ; a characteristic item in it, though of a va-
riety exceedingly rare. But he would have been
equally an exile in any other city. He had no con-
sciousness of being an exile, of being homeless. He
was above patriotisms and homes. Why, when he
wanted even a book he only borrowed it!
"Well, shall we go out and eat?" I suggested, af-
ter listening to several lovely airs.
"Yes," he said, "I was just going. I don't think
you've seen my last etching. Care to?"
I did care to see it, but I also desired my dinner.
"This is a pretty good print, but I shall get bet-
ter," he said, holding the sheet of paper under the
lamp.
EVENING WITH EXILES 29
"How many shall you print?" I asked.
"Thirty."
"You might put me down for one."
"All right. I think it will give you pleasure," he
said with impartial and dignified conviction.
After another ten minutes, we were out on the
quay.
"Grand autumn night?" he said appreciatively.
"Where shall we have the aperitif?"
"Aperitif! It's after eight o'clock, man!"
"I think we shall have time for an aperitif'' he in-
sisted, mildly shocked.
Drawing-rooms have their ritual. His life, too,
had its ritual.
^ ^ £ «*
At nearly midnight we were sitting, three of us,
in a cafe of the Montparnasse quarter, possibly the
principal cafe of the Montparnasse quarter.
Neither notorious nor secretly eccentric ; but an hon-
est cafe, in the sense of "honest" applied to certain
women. Being situated close to a large railway
terminus, it had a broad and an indulgent attitude
towards life. It would have received a frivolous
habitue of the Place Blanche, or a nun, or a clergy-
man, with the same placidity. And although the
district was modified, and whole streets, indeed, de-
Parisianised by wandering cohorts of American
and English art-amateurs of both sexes, this cafe
remained, while accepting them, characteristically
French. The cohorts thought they were seeing
French life when they entered it; and they in fact
were.
30 PARIS NIGHTS
This cafe was the chief club of the dis-
trict, with a multitudinous and regular clientele
of billiard-players, card-players, draught-players,
newspapers readers, chatterers, and simple
imbibers of bock. Its doors were continually
a-swing, and one or the other of the two
high-enthroned caissieres was continually lifting her
watchful head from the desk to observe who entered.
Its interior seemed to penetrate indefinitely into the
hinterland of the street, and the effect of unending-
ness was intensified by means of mirrors, which re-
flected the shirt-sleeved arms and the cues of a
score of billiard-players. Everywhere the same
lively and expressive and never ungraceful gestures,
between the marble table-tops below and the light-
studded ceiling above ! Everywhere the same mur-
mur of confusing pleasant voices broken by the loud
chant of waiters intoning orders at the service-bar,
and by the setting down of heavy glass mugs and
saucers upon marble! Over the cafe, unperceived,
unthought of, were the six storeys of a large house
comprising perhaps twenty-five separate and com-
plete homes.
The third man at our table was another exile, also
a painter, but a Scotchman. He had lived in Paris
since everlasting, but before that rumour said that
he had lived for several years immovable at the little
inn of a Norman village. Now, he never left Paris,
even in summer. He exhibited, with marked dis-
cretion, only at the Independants. Beyond these
facts, and the obvious fact that he enjoyed inde-
pendent means, nobody knew anything about him
LA DAME DU COMPTOIR (Page 30)
EVENING WITH EXILES 31
save his opinions. Even his age was exceedingly
uncertain. He looked forty, but there were ac-
quaintances who said that he had looked forty for
twenty years. He was one of those extremely re-
served men who talk freely. Of his hopes, ambi-
tions, ideals, disappointments, connections, he never
said a word, but he did not refuse his opinion upon
any subject, and on every subject he had a definite
opinion which he would express very clearly, with a
sort of polite curtness. His tendency was to cyni-
cism— too cynical to be bitter. He did not com-
plain of human nature, but he thoroughly believed
the worst of it. These two men, the 'cellist and the
Scotchman, were fast friends ; or rather — as it might
be argued in the strict sense neither of them had
a friend — they were very familiar acquaintances,
each with a profound respect for the other's judg-
ment and artistic probity. Further, the Scotch-
man admired his companion for a genius, as
everybody did.
They talked together for ever and ever, but not
about politics. They were impatient on politics.
Both were apparently convinced that politics are an
artificiality imposed upon society by adventurers
and interferers, and that if such people could be
exterminated politics would disappear. Certainly
neither had any interest in the organic aspect of so-
ciety. Their political desire was to be let alone.
Nor did they often or for long "talk bawdy" ; after
opinions had been given which no sensible man ever
confides to more than two reliable others at a time,
the Scotchman would sweep all that away as sec-
32 PARIS NIGHTS
ondary. Nor did they talk of the events of the day,
unless it might be some titillating crime or mystery
such as will fill whole pages of the newspaper for a
week together. They talked of the arts, all the
arts. And although they seemed to be always either
in that cafe, or in their studios, or in bed, they had
the air of being mysteriously but genuinely abreast
of every manifestation of art. And since all the
arts are one, and in respect to art they had a real at-
titude and real views, all that they said was valuable
suggestively, and their ideas could not by any prodi-
gality be exhausted. As a patron of the arts even
the State interested them, and herein they showed
glimmerings of a social sense. In the intervals of
this eternal and absorbing "art," they would discuss
with admirable restrained gusto the exacerbating
ridiculousness of the cohorts of American and Eng-
lish art-amateurs who infested and infected the
quarter.
4444
Little bands of these came into the cafe from
time to time, and drifting along the aisles of chairs
would sit down where they could see as much as pos-
sible with their candid eyes. The girls, inelegant
and blousy; the men, inept in their narrow shrewd-
ness: both equally naive, conceited, uncorrupted,
and incorruptible, they were absolutely incapable of
appreciating the refined and corrupt decadence, the
stylistic charm, the exquisite tradition of the civili-
sation at which they foolishly stared, as at a peep-
show. Not a thousand years would teach them the
human hourly art of life as it was subtly practised
EVENING WITH EXILES 33
by the people whose very language they disdained
to learn. When loud fragments of French phrases,
massacred by Americans who had floated on but not
mingled with Paris for years, reached us from an
Anglo-Saxon table, my friends would seem to shud-
der secretly, ashamed of being Anglo-Saxon. And
if they were obliged to salute some uncouth Anglo-
Saxon acquaintance, and thus admit their own un-
Latin origin, their eyes would say: "Why cannot
these people be imprisoned at home? Why are not
we alone of Anglo-Saxons permitted to inhabit
Paris ?"
Occasionally a bore would complacently present
himself for sufferance. Among these the chief was
certainly the man whose existence was an endless
shuttle-work between the various cities where art is
or has been practised, from Munich to Naples. He
knew everything about painting, but he ought to
have been a bookmaker. He was notorious every-
where as the friend of Strutt, Strutt being the very
famous and wealthy English portrait-painter of
girls. All his remarks were apropos of Tommy
Strutt, Tommy Strutt — Tommy. He was invari-
ably full of Tommy. And this evening he was full
of Tommy's new German model, whose portrait
had been in that year's Salon. . . . How
Tommy had picked her up in the streets of Berlin;
how she was nineteen, and the rage of Berlin, and
was asked to lunch at the embassies, and had re-
ceived five proposals in three months: how she re-
fused to sit for any one but Tommy, and even for
him would only sit two hours a day: how Tommy
34 PARIS NIGHTS
looked after her, and sent her to bed at nine-thirty
of a night, and hired a woman to play with her; and
how Tommy had once telegraphed to her that he
was coming to Berlin, and how she had hired a stu-
dio and got it painted and furnished exactly to his
fastidious taste all on her own, and met him at the
station and driven him to the studio, and tea was all
ready, etc.; and how pretty she was. . . .
"What's her figure like?" the Scotchman in-
quired gruffly.
"The fact is," said Tommy's friend, dashed, "I
haven't seen her posing for the nude. I've seen her
posing to Tommy in a bathing-costume on the sea-
shore, but I haven't yet seen her posing for the
nude. . . ." He became reflective. "My boy,
do you know what my old uncle used to say to me
down at the old place in Kildare, when I was a
youngster? My old uncle used to say to me — and
he was dying — 'My boy, I've always made a rule of
making love to every pretty woman I met. It's a
sound rule. But let me warn you — you mustn't ex-
pect to get more than five per cent, on your out-
lay!"
"The old place in Kildare!'" murmured the
Scotchman, in a peculiarly significant tone, after
Tommy Strutt's friend had gone; and this was the
only comment on Tommy Strutt's friend.
# # # ,*
The talk on art was resumed, the renowned
Tommy Strutt being reduced to his proper level of
the third-rate and abruptly dismissed. One o'clock !
A quarter past one! The cafe was now nearly
EVENING WITH EXILES 35
empty. But these men had no regard for time.
Time did not exist for them, any more than the
structure of society. They were not bored, nor
tired. They conversed with ease, and with mild
pleasure in their own irony and in the disillusioned
surety of their judgments. Then I noticed that
the waiters had dwindled to two, and that only one
cashier was left enthroned behind the bar; somewhat
later, she too had actually gone! Both had at
length rejoined their families, if any. The idea was
startling that these prim and neat and mechanically
smiling women were human, had private relations, a
private life, a bed, a wardrobe. All over Paris, all
day, every day, they sit and estimate the contents of
trays, which waiters present to their practised gaze
for an instant only, and receive the value of the
drinks in bone discs, and write down columns of
figures in long ledgers. They never take exercise,
nor see the sun; they even eat in the cafe. Mystic
careers! ... A quarter to two. Now the
chairs had been brought in from the terrace, and
there was only one waiter, and no other customer
that I could see. The waiter, his face nearly as pale
as his apron, eyed us with patient and bland resig-
nation, sure from his deep knowledge of human
habits that sooner or later we should in fact depart,
and well inured to the great Parisian principle that
a cafe exists for the convenience of its habitues. I
was uneasy: I was even aware of guiltiness; but not
my friends.
Then a face looked in at the doorway, as if re-
connoitring, and hesitated.
36
PARIS NIGHTS
"By Jove!" said the violoncellist. "There's the
Mahatma back again! Oh! He's seen us!"
The peering face preceded a sloping body into
the cafe, and I was introduced to a man whose ex-
cellent poems I had read in a limited edition. He
was wearing a heavily jewelled red waistcoat, and
the largest ring I ever saw on a human hand. He
sat down. The waiter took his order and intoned
it in front of the service-bar, proving that another
fellow-creature was hidden there awaiting our pleas-
ure. When the Mahatma's glass was brought, the
Scotchman suddenly demanded from the waiter the
total of our modest consumption, and paid it. The
Mahatma said that he had arrived that evening di-
rect from the Himalayas, and that he had been
made or ordained a "khan" in the East. Without
any preface he began to talk supernaturally. As
he had known Aubrey Beardsley, I referred to the
rumour that Beardsley had several times been seen
abroad in London after his alleged death.
"That's nothing," he said quickly. "I know a
man who saw and spoke to Oscar Wilde in the
Pyrenees at the very time when Oscar was in prison
in England."
"Who was the man?" I inquired.
He paused. "Myself," he said, in a low tone.
"Shall we go ?" The Scotchman, faintly smiling,
embraced his friend and me in the question.
We went, leaving the Mahatma bent in solitude
over his glass. The waiter was obviously saying
to himself: "It was inevitable that they should ulti-
EVENING WITH EXILES 37
mately go, and they have gone." We had sat for
four hours.
Outside, cabs were still rolling to and fro. After
cheerful casual good-nights, we got indolently into
three separate cabs, and went our easy ways. I
saw in my imagination the vista of the thousands of
similar nights which my friends had spent, and the
vista of the thousands of similar nights which they
would yet spend. And the sight was majestic, tre-
mendous.
IV
BOURGEOIS
You could smell money long before you arrived
at the double portals of the flat on the second floor.
The public staircase was heated; it mounted broadly
upwards and upwards in a very easy slope, and at
each spacious landing was the statue of some
draped woman holding aloft a lamp which threw
light on an endless carpet, and on marble mosaics.
There was, indeed, a lift; but who could refuse the
majestic invitation of the staircase, deserted, silent,
and mysterious? The bell would give but one ting,
and always the same ting; it was not an electric de-
vice by which the temperament and mood of the in-
truder on the mat are accurately and instantly sig-
nalled to the interior.
The door was opened by the Tante herself — per-
haps she had been crossing from one room to an-
other— and I came into the large entrance-hall,
which even on the brightest summer day was as ob-
scure as a crypt, and which the architect had ap-
parently meant to be appreciated only after night-
fall. A vast armoire and a vast hat-and-coat stand
were features of it.
"My niece occupies herself with the children,"
the Tante half -whispered, as she took me into the
drawing-room. And in her voice were mingled
BOURGEOIS 39
pride, affection, and also a certain conspiratorial
quality, as though the mysteries of putting a little
boy and a little girl to bed were at once religious
and delicious, and must not be disturbed by loud
tones even afar off.
She was a stout woman of seventy, dressed in
black with a ruching of white at the neck and the
wrists; very erect and active; her hair not yet en-
tirely grey; an aquiline eye. The soft, fresh white
frill at the wrist made a charming contrast with the
experienced and aged hand. She had been a widow
for very many years, and during all those years she
had matched herself against the world, her weapons
being a considerable and secure income, and a quite
exceptional natural shrewdness. The result had
left her handsomely the victor. She had an im-
mense but justifiable confidence in her own judg-
ment and sagacity; her interest in the spectacle of
existence was unabated, and a long and passionate
study of human nature had not embittered her.
She was a realist, and a caustic realist, but she could
excuse; she could accept man as she knew him in his
turpitude. Her chief joys were to arrange and re-
arrange her "reserves" of domestic goods, to dis-
cuss character, and to indicate to a later generation,
out of her terrific experience of Parisian life, the
best methods of defence against the average trades-
man and the average menial. So seldom did any-
body get the better of her that, when the unusual
did occur, she could afford to admit the fact with a
liberal laugh: "II m'a roulee, celui-la! II a rouU la
vieiller
40 PARIS NIGHTS
In a corner of the drawing-room she resumed the
topic, always interesting to her, of my adventures
among charwomen, generously instructing me the
whole time in a hundred ways. And when the con-
versation dropped she would sigh and go back to
something previously said, and repeat it. "So she
polishes the door-knobs every day! Well, that is a
quality, at least." Then my hostess (her niece-in-
law) came blandly in: a woman of thirty-five, also
in mourning, with a pale, powdered face and golden
hair; benevolent and calm, elegant, but with the
elegance of a confessed mother.
"Ca y est?" asked the Tante, meaning — were the
infants at last couched?
"Ca y est," said the mother, with triumph, with
relief, and yet also with a little regret.
There was a nurse, but in practice she was only
an under-nurse; the head-nurse was the mother.
"Eh bien, mon petit Bennett" the mother began,
in a new tone, as if to indicate that she was no longer
a mother, but a Parisienne, frivolous and challeng-
ing, "what there that is new?"
"He is there," said the Tante, interrupting.
We heard the noise of the front-door, and by a
common instinct we all rose and went into the hall.
£ * £ £
The master of the home arrived. He entered like
a gust of wind, and Marthe, the thin old parlour-
maid, who had evidently been lying in wait for him,
started back in alarm, but alarm half -simulated.
My host, about the same age as his wife, was a doc-
tor, specialising in the diseases of women and chil-
A BY-PRODUCT OF RUSSIAN POLITICS (Page 77)
BOURGEOIS 41
dren, and he had his cabinet on the ground-floor of
the same house. He was late, he was impatient to
regain his hearth, he was proud of his industry; and
the simple, instinctive joy of life sparkled in his eye.
"Marie," he cried to his wife. "I love thee!"
And kissed her furiously on both cheeks.
"It is well," she responded, calmly smiling, with a
sort of flirtatious condescension.
"I tell thee I love thee!" he insisted, with his
hands on her shoulders. "Tell me that thou lovest
me!"
"I love thee," she said calmly.
"It is very well!" he said, and swinging round to
Marthe, giving her his hat. "Marthe, I love you."
And he caught her a smack on the shoulder.
"Monsieur hurts me," the spinster protested.
"Go then! Go then!" said the Tante, as the be-
loved nephew directed his assault upon her in turn.
She was grimly proud of him. He flattered her
eye, for, even at his loosest, he had a professional
distinction of deportment which her long-deceased
husband, a wholesale tradesman, had probably
lacked.
"Well, my old one," the host grasped my hand
once more, "you cannot figure to yourself how it
gives me pleasure to have you here!" His voice
was rich with emotion.
This man had the genius of friendship in a very
high degree. His delight in the society of his
friends was so intense and so candid that only the
most inordinately conceited among them could have
failed to be aware of an uncomfortable grave sense
42 PARIS NIGHTS
of unworthiness, could have failed to say to them-
selves fearfully: "He will find me out one day!"
* 4 jt 4
The dining-room was large, and massively fur-
nished, and lighted by one immense shaded lamp
that hung low over the table. Among the heavily
framed pictures was a magnificent Jules Dupre,
belonging to the Tante. She had picked it up long
ago at a sale for something like ten thousand francs,
apparently while the dealers were looking the other
way. It was a known picture, and one of the
Tante's satisfactions was that some dealer or other
was always trying to relieve her of it, without the
slightest success. She had a story, too, that on the
day after the sale a Duchesse who affected Dupres
had sent her footman offering to take the picture
off her at a ten per cent, increase because it would
make a pair with another magnificent Dupre al-
ready owned by the Duchesse. "Eh, well," the
widow of the tradesman had said to the footman,
"you will tell Madame la Duchesse that if she wants
my picture she had better come herself and inquire
about it." In the flat, the Dupre was one of the
great pictures of the world. Safer to sneeze at the
Venus de Milo than at that picture ! Another fa-
vourite picture, also the property of Tante, was one
by a living and super-modern painter, an acquaint-
ance of another nephew of hers. I do not think she
much cared for it, or that she cared much for any
pictures. She had bought it by a benevolent ca-
price. "What would you? He had not the sou.
C'est un trh gentil garpon, of a great talent, but he
BOURGEOIS 43
was eating all his money with women — with those
birds that you know. And one day it may be worth
its price."
What always interested me most in the furniture
of that dining-room was not the pictures, nor the
ample plate, nor the edifices called sideboards, etc.,
but the apron of Marthe, who served. A plain, un-
starched, white apron, without a bib — an apron that
no English parlourmaid would have deigned to
wear ; but of such fine linen, and all the exactly geo-
metric creases of its folding visible to the eye as
Marthe passed round and round our four chairs!
Whenever I saw that apron I could see linen-chests,
and endless supplies of linen, and Tante and Marthe
fussing over them on quiet afternoons. And it
went so well with her dark-blue shiny frock!
When Tante had joined her nephew's household she
had brought with her Marthe, already old in her
service. These two women were devoted to each
other, each in her own way. "Arrive then, with
that sauce, vieille folle!" Tante would command;
and Marthe, pursing her lips, would defend herself
with a "Mais madame — !" There was no high in-
visible wall between Marthe and her employers.
One was not worried, as one would have been in
England, by the operation of the detestable and
barbaric theory that Marthe was an automaton, in-
accessible to human emotions. I remember seeing
in the work-basket of the wife of a wealthy English
socialist a little manual of advice to domestic serv-
ants upon their deportment, and I remember this:
"Learn to control your voice, and always speak in
44 PARIS NIGHTS
a low voice. Never show by your demeanour that
you have heard any remark which is not addressed
to you." I wonder what Marthe, who had never
worn a cap, nor perhaps seen one, would have
thought of the manual, which possibly was written
by a distressed gentlewoman in order to earn a few
shillings. Martha could smile. She could even
laugh and answer back — but within limits. We
had not to pretend that Marthe consisted merely
of two ministering hands animated by a brain, but
without a soul. In France a servant works longer
and harder than in England, but she is permitted
the constant use of a soul.
A simple but an expensive dinner, for these peo-
ple were the kind of people that, desiring only the
best, were in a position to see that they had it, and
accepted the cost as a matter of course. Moreover,
they knew what the best was, especially the Tante.
They knew how to buy. The chief dish was just
steak. But what steak! What a thickness of steak
and what tenderness! A whole cow had lived un-
der the most approved conditions, and died a vio-
lent death, and the very essence of the excuse for it
all lay on a blue and white dish in front of the host-
ess. Cost according! Steak; but better steak could
not be had in the world! And the consciousness of
this fact was on the calm benignant face of the host-
ess and on the vivacious ironic face of the Tante.
So with the fruits of the earth, so with the wine.
And the simple, straightforward distribution of the
viands seemed to suit well their character. Into
that flat there had not yet penetrated the grand
BOURGEOIS 45
modern principle that the act of carving is an ob-
scene act, an act to be done shamefully in secret, be-
hind the backs of the delicate impressionable. No !
The dish of steak was planted directly in front of
the hostess, under her very nose, and beyond the
dish a pile of four plates ; and, brazenly brandishing
her implements, the Parisienne herself cut the tit-
bits out of the tit-bit, and deposited them on plate
after plate, which either Marthe took or we took
ourselves, at hazard. Further, there was no embar-
rassment of multitudinous assorted knives and forks
and spoons. With each course the diner received
the tools necessary for that course. Between
courses, if he wanted a toy for his fingers, he had
to be content with a crust.
During the meal the conversation constantly re-
verted with pleasure to the question of food; it was
diversified by expressions of the host's joy in his
home, and the beings therein ; and for the rest it did
not ascend higher than heterogeneous personal gos-
sip,— "unstitched," as the French say.
^ ^ «* #
Instead of going into the drawing-room, we went
through a bed-chamber, into a small room at the
back. By taking a circuitous service-passage, and
infringing on the kitchen, we might ultimately have
arrived at that room without passing through the
bedchamber; but the proper, the ceremonious way
to it was through the bedchamber. This trifling de-
tail illuminates the methods of the French architect
even when he is building expensively — methods
which persist to the present hour. Admirable at
46 PARIS NIGHTS
trades, he is an execrable planner, wasteful and
maladroit, as may be seen even in the most impor-
tant public buildings in Paris — such as the Town
Hall. In arranging the "disposition" of flats, he
exhausts himself on the principal apartments, and
then, fatigued, lets the others struggle as best they
may for light and air and access in the odd corners
of space which remain. Of course, he is strong in
the sympathy of his clients. It is a wide question
of manners, stretching from the finest palaces of
France down to the labyrinthine coverts of indus-
trialism. Up to twenty-five years ago, architects
simply did not consider the factors of either light
or ventilation. I have myself lived in a flat, in one
of the best streets of central Paris, of which none of
the eight windows could possibly at any period of
the year receive a single direct gleam of sunlight.
Up to twenty-five years ago, nobody had discovered
a reason why, in a domestic interior, a bedroom
should riot be a highroad. . . .
Visualise the magnificent straight boulevard, full
of the beautiful horizontal glidings of trams and au-
tomobiles; the lofty and stylistic frontages; the
great carved doors of the house ; the quasi-Oriental
entrance and courtyard, shut in from the fracas of
the street; the monumental staircase; the spacious
and even splendid dining-room; and then the bed-
room opening directly off it; and then the still
smaller sitting-room opening directly off that; and
us there — the ebullient doctor, his elegant and calm
wife, the Tante (on a small chair) , and myself—
sitting round a lamp amid a miscellany of book-
BOURGEOIS 47
cases and oddments. This was the room that the
doctor preferred of an evening. He would say,
joyously: "C'est le decor home!"
# * $ *
A cousin of the host was announced ; and his rela-
tives and I smiled archly, with affectionate malice,
before he came in; for it was notorious that this
cousin, an architect by profession, and a bachelor of
forty years standing, had a few days earlier sol-
emnly and definitely "broken" with his petite amie.
I knew it. Everybody knew it within the wide fam-
ily-radius. It was one of those things that "knew
themselves." This call was itself a proof that the
cousin had dragged his anchor. Moreover, he em-
braced his aunt with a certain self -consciousness.
He was a tall, dark-bearded man, well dressed
in a dark-grey suit — a good specimen of French tail-
oring, but a French tailor cannot use an iron and he
cannot "roll" a collar. A rather melancholy and
secretive and flaccid man, but somewhat hardened
and strengthened by the lifelong use of a private
fortune. They all had money — money of their
own, independently of earned money; the wife had
money — and I do not think that it occurred to any
of them to live up to his or her income; their re-
sources were always increasing, and the reserves that
the united family could have brought up to face a
calamity must have been formidable. None of
them had ever been worried about money, and by
reason of their financial ideals they were far more
solid than a London family receiving, but spending,
thrice their income.
48 PARIS NIGHTS
Marthe came with another coffee cup, and the
cousin, when the hostess had filled it, set it down
to go cold, after the French manner.
"Well, my boy," said Tante, whose ancient eyes
were sparkling with eagerness. "By what appears,
thou art a widower since several days."
"How a widower?"
"Yes," said the host, "it appears that thou art
a widower." And added enthusiastically: "I am
pretty content to see thee, my old one."
The hostess smiled at the widower with sympa-
thetic indulgence.
"Who has told you?"
"What ! Who has told us ? All Paris knows it !"
"Well," said the cousin, looking at the carpet and
apparently communing with himself — he always had
an air of self-communing, "I suppose it's true!"
He drank the tenth of a teaspoonf ul of coffee.
"Eh, well, my friend," the Tante commented.
"I do not know if thou hast done well. That did
not cost thee too dear, and she had a good-hearted
face." Tante spoke with an air of special in-
timacy, because she and the cousin had kept house
together for some years at one period.
"Thou hast seen her, Tante?" the hostess asked,
surprised a little out of the calm in which she was
crocheting.
"Have I seen her? I believe it well! I caught
them together once when I was driving in the
Bois."
"That was Antoinette," said the cousin.
"It was not Antoinette," said the Tante. "And
BOURGEOIS 49
thou hast no need to say it. Thou quittedst An-
toinette in '96, before I had begun to hire that car-
riage. I recall it to myself perfectly."
"I suppose now it will be the grand spree," said
the hostess, "during several months."
"The grand spree!" Tante broke in caustically.
"Have no fear. The grand spree — that is not his
kind. It is not he who will scatter his money with
those birds. He is not so stupid as that." She
laughed drily.
"Is she rosse, the Tante, all the same !" the host,
flowing over with good nature, comforted his
cousin.
Then Marthe entered again:
"The children demand monsieur."
The host bounded up from his chair.
"What ! The children demand monsieur !" he ex-
ploded. "At nine o'clock! It is not possible that
they are not asleep!"
"They say that monsieur promised to return to
them after dinner."
"It is true!" he admitted, with a gesture of dis-
covery. "It is true!"
"I pray thee," said the mother. "Go at once.
And do not excite them."
"I think I'll go with you," I said.
"My little Bennett," the mother leaned towards
me, "I supplicate you — at this hour — "
"But naturally he will come with me!" the host
cried obstreperously.
We went, down a long narrow passage. There
they were in their beds, the children, in a small bed-
50 PARIS NIGHTS
room divided into two by a low screen of ribbed
glass, the boy on one side and the girl on the other.
The window gave on to a small subsidiary court-
yard. Through the half-drawn curtains the lighted
windows of rooms opposite could be discerned, ris-
ing, storey after storey, up out of sight. A night-
light burned on a table. The nurse stood apart, at
the door. The children were lively, but pale.
They had begun to go to school, and, except the
journey to and from school, they seemed to have al-
most no outdoor exercise. No garden was theirs.
The hall and the passages were their sole play-
ground. And all the best part of their lives was
passed between walls in a habitation twenty-five or
thirty feet above ground, in the middle of Paris.
Yet they were very well. The doctor did not romp
with them. No 1 He simply and candidly caressed
them, girl and boy, in turn, calling them passion-
ately by the most beautiful names, burying his head
in the bedclothes, and fondling their wild hair. He
then entreated them, with genuine humility, to com-
pose themselves for sleep, and parted last from the
girl.
"She is exquisite — exquisite!" he murmured to me
ecstatically, as we returned up the passage from
this excursion.
She was.
* 4 4 jl
In the small sitting-room the cousin was offering
to the Tante some information of a political nature.
The Tante kept a judicious eye on everything in
Paris.
BOURGEOIS 51
"What!" The host protested vociferously. "He
is again in his politics! Cousin, I supplicate
thee— "
A good deal of supplication went on there. The
host did succeed in stopping politics. With all the
weight of his vivacious good-nature he hore poli-
tics down. The fact was, he had a real objection to
politics, having convinced himself that they were
permanently unclean in France. It was not the
measures that he objected to, but the men — all of
them with scarcely an exception — as cynical adven-
turers. On this point he was passionate. Politics
were incurably futile, horribly assommcmt. He
would not willingly allow them to soil his hearth.
"What hast thou done lately?" he asked of the
cousin, changing the subject.
And the talk veered to public amusements. The
cousin had been "distracting himself" amid his sen-
timental misadventures, by much theatre-going.
They all, except the Tante, went very regularly to
the theatres and to the operas. And not only that,
but to concerts, exhibitions, picture-shows, services
in the big churches, and every kind of diversion fre-
quented by people in easy circumstances and by art-
ists. There was little that they missed. They ex-
hibited no special taste or knowledge in any art, but
leaned generally to the best among that which was
merely fashionable. They took seriously nearly
every craftsman who, while succeeding, kept his
dignity and refrained from being a mountebank.
Thus, they were convinced that dramatists like Ed-
mond Rostand and Henri Lavedan, actors and
52 PARIS NIGHTS
actresses like Le Bargy and Cecile Sorel, painters
like Edouard Detaille and La Gandara, composers
like Massenet and Charpentier, critics like Adolphe
Brisson and Francis Chevassu, novelists like Rene
Bazin and Daniel Lesueur, poets like Jean Riche-
pin and Abel Bonnard, were original and first-
class, and genuinely important in the history of*
their respective arts. On the other hand their
attitude towards the real innovators and shapers of
the future was timidly, but honestly, antipathetic.
And they could not, despite any theorising to the
contrary, bring themselves to take quite seriously
any artist who had not been consecrated by public
approval. With the most charming grace they
would submit to be teased about this, but it would
have been impossible to tease them out of it. And
there was always a slight uneasiness in the air when
they and I came to grips in the discussion of art.
I could almost hear the shrewd Tante saying to
herself: "What a pity this otherwise sane and
safe young man is an artist!"
"Figure to yourself," the host would answer me
with an adorable, affectionate mien of apology,
when I asked his opinion of a new work by Mau-
rice Ravel, heard on a Sunday afternoon, "Figure
to yourself that we scarcely liked it."
And with the same mien, of a very fashionable
comedy in which Lavedan, Le Bargy, and Julia
Bartet had combined to create a terrific success at
the Theatre Fran9ais:
"Figure to yourself, it was truly very nice, after
all! Of course one might say. . . ."
BOURGEOIS 53
The truth was, it had carried them off their feet.
Upon my soul I think I liked them the better
for it all. And, in talking to them, I understood
a little better the real and solid basis upon which
rests all that overwhelming, complex, expensive ap-
paratus of artistic diversions laid out for the public
within a mile radius of the Place de 1'Opera. There
is a public, a genuine public, which desires ardently
to be amused and which will handsomely put down
the money for its amusement. And it is never
tired, never satiated. The artist, who seldom pays,
is apt to wonder if any considerable body of per-
sons pay, is apt to regard the commercial continu-
ance of art as a sort of inexplicable miracle. But
these people paid. They always paid, and richly.
And there were whole streets of large houses full of
other people who shared their tastes and their habits,
if not their extreme attractiveness.
<* ji «* $
I wondered where we should be without them, we
artists, as I took leave of them at something after
midnight. My good friend, the melancholy cousin,
had departed. Tante had gone to bed, though she
protested she never slept. We had been drinking
weak tea as we wandered about the dining-room.
And now I, obdurate against the host's supplica-
tions not to desert them so early, was departing
too. At the door the hostess lighted a little taper,
and gave it to me. And when the door was opened
they moderated their caressing voices; for a dozen
other domestic interiors, each intricate and com-
plete, gave on the resounding staircase. And with
54 PARIS NIGHTS
my little taper I descended through the silence and
the darkness of the staircase. And at the bottom I
halted in the black entrance way, and summoned
the concierge out of his sleep to release the catch
of the small door within the great portals. There
was a responsive click immediately, and in the black-
ness a sudden gleam from the boulevard. The con-
cierge and his wife, living for ever sunless in a room
and a half beneath all those other interiors, were
throughout the night at the mercy of a call, mine
or another's. "Curious existence!" I thought, as
my shutting of the door echoed about the building,
and I stepped into the illumination of the boule-
vard. "The concierge is necessary to them. And
without the equivalent of such as they, such as I
could not possess even a decent overcoat I" On the
facade of the house every outer casement was shut.
Not a sign of life in it.
CAUSE Ci5L]&BRE
Quite early in the winter evening, before the light
had died out of the sky, central Paris was beginning
to be pleasurably excited. The aspect of the
streets and of the cafes showed that. One saw it
and heard it in the gestures and tones of the people ;
one had a proof of it in oneself. The whole city
was in a state of delightful anxiety; and it was
happy because the result of the night, whatever fate
chose to decide, could not fail to be amusing and
even thrilling. All the thoroughfares converging
upon the small and crowded island which is the his-
torical kernel of Paris, were busier and livelier than
usual. In particular, automobiles thronged —
the largest, glossiest, and most silent automo-
biles, whose horns were orchestras — automo-
biles which vied with motor-omnibuses for im-
posingness and moved forward with the smooth
majesty of trains. There came a point, near
the twinkling bridges, where progress was im-
possible, where an impalpable obstacle inter-
vened, and vehicles stood arrested in long treble
files, atnd mysterious words were passed backwards
from driver to driver. But nobody seemed to mind;
nobody seemed impatient; for it was something to
be thus definitely and materially a part of the organ-
56 PARIS NIGHTS
ised excitement. Hundreds of clever resourceful
persons had had the idea of avoiding the main ave-
nues, and creeping up unobserved to the centre of
attraction by the little streets. So that all these
ancient, narrow, dark lanes that thread between high
and picturesque architectures were busy with auto-
mobiles and carriages. And in the gloom one
might see shooting round a corner the brilliant in-
terior of an automobile, with electric light and
flowers and a pet dog, and a couple of extremely
fashionable young women in it, their eyes sparkling
with present joy and the confident expectation of
joy to come. And such young women, utterly cor-
rect, were doing the utterly correct thing. But all
these little streets led at last to the same impalpable
obstacle. So that from a high tower, for instance,
the Tour St. Jacques close by, one might have be-
held the black masonry of the centre of attraction
as it were beleaguered on every side by the attack-
ing converging files that were held back by some
powerful word; while the minutes elapsed, and the
incandescent signs of shops and theatres increased
in the sky, and the Seine, dividing to clasp the
island, darkened into a lamp-reflecting mirror along
which tiny half-discerned steamers restlessly plied.
* ji ji tf
Despite the powerful word, the Palace of Justice,
the centre of attraction, was tremendously alive and
gay with humanity. Traffic could not be stopped,
and was not stopped, and those who had sufficient
energy and perseverance could insinuate themselves
into its precincts. The great gold lamps that flank
CAUSE CELEBRE (Pa0e 55)
CAUSE CELEBRE 57
the staircase of honour gleamed upon a crowd con-
tinually ascending and descending. The outer hall
was full of laughing chatter and of smoke. And
barristers, both old and young, walked to and fro
in hieratic converse, waving their cigarettes in sober
curves, and on every one of their faces as they gazed
negligently at the public was the announcement
that they could tell "an they would." All the in-
terminable intersecting corridors were equally viva-
cious, with their diminishing perspectives of stoves
against which groups warmed themselves. Groups
of talkers made the circuit of the corridors as it
might have been the circuit of a town, passing a
given spot regularly, and repeating and repeating
the same arguments. And the solemn arched im-
mensity of the Hall of Lost Footsteps was like a
Bourse. Here, more than anywhere else, one had
the sense of audience-chambers concealed behind
doors, where fatal doings were afoot; one had the
sense of the terrific vastness and complexity of the
Palace wherein scores of separate ceremon-
ious activities simultaneously proceeded in scores
of different halls. The general public knew only
that somewhere within the Palace, somewhere
close at hand, at the end of some particular
passage, guarded doors hid the spectacle whose
slightest episode was being telegraphed to all
the cities of the entire civilised world, and the gen-
eral public was content, even very content, to be
near by.
The affair was in essence a trifle ; merely the trial
of a woman for the murder of her husband. But
58 PARIS NIGHTS
this woman was a heroic woman; this woman be-
longed by right of brain and individual force to the
great race of Therese Humbert. Years before, she
had moved safely in the background of a sensational
tragedy involving the highest personages of the Re-
public. And now in the background of her own
tragedy there moved somebody so high and so po-
tent that no newspaper dared or cared to name his
name. All that was known was that this enigmatic
and awful individual existed, that he was in-
volved, that had he been less sublime he would have
had to appear before the court, that he would not
appear, and that justice would suffer accordingly.
In the ordeal of extremest publicity, the woman had
emerged a Titaness. Throughout all her alterca-
tions with judge, advocates, witnesses, and journal-
ists, she had held her own grandly, displaying not
only an astounding force of character, but a superb
appreciation of the theatrical quality of her role.
She was of a piece with yellow journalism, and the
multitude that gapes for yellow journalism. She
was shameless. She was caught again and again in
a net of lies, and she always escaped. She admitted
nearly everything: lyings, adulteries, and manifold
deceits; but she would not admit that she knew any-
thing about the murder of her husband. And even
though it was obvious that the knots by which she
was bound when the murder was discovered were
not serious knots, even though she left a hundred in-
criminating details unexplained, a doubt concern-
ing her guilt would persist in the minds of the
impartial. She was indubitably a terrible creature,
CAUSE CLBRE 59
but she was an enchantress, and she was also beyond
question an exceedingly able housekeeper and
hostess. She might be terrible without being a
murderess.
And now the trial was closing. The verdict, it
was stated, would be rendered that night even if the
court sat till midnight. It would be a pity to keep
an amiable public, already on the rack of impatience
for many days, waiting longer. The time was ripe.
Further, the woman had had enough. Her re-
sources were exhausted, and to continue the fight
would mean an anti-climax. The woman had com-
pletely lost the respect of the public — that was in-
evitable— but she had not lost its admiration. The
attitude of the public was cruel, with the ignoble
cruelty which is practised towards women in Latin
countries alone; she had even been sarcastically
sketched in the most respectable illustrated paper in
the attitude of a famous madonna; but beneath the
inconceivably base jeers, there remained admiration;
and there remained, too, gratitude — the gratitude
offered to a gladiator who has fought well and pro-
vided a really first-class diversion.
«* 4 # «*
The supper-restaurants were visited earlier and
were much more crowded than usual on that night.
It was as though the influence of the trial had been
aphrodisiacal. Or it may have been that the men
and women of pleasure wished to receive the verdict
in circumstances worthy of its importance in the an-
nals of pleasure. Or it may have been that dinner
had been deranged by the excitations connected with
60
PARIS NIGHTS
the trial and that people felt honestly hungry. I
went into one of these restaurants, in a square whose
buildings are embroidered with inviting letters of
fire until dawn every morning throughout the year.
A stern attendant took me up in a lift, and instantly
I had quitted the sternness of the lift I was in an-
other atmosphere. There was the bar, and there
the illustrious English barman, drunk. For in
these regions the barman must always be English
and a little drunk. The barman knows everybody,
and not to know his Christian name and the feel of
his hand is to be nobody. This barman is a Paris-
ian celebrity. But let an accident or a misadven-
ture disqualify him from his work, and he will be
forgotten utterly in less than a week. And in his
martyred old age he will certainly recount to chari-
table acquaintances, who find him ineffably tedious,
how he was barman at the unique Restaurant Lepic
in the old days when fun was really fun, and the
most appalling iniquity was openly tolerated by
the police.
The bar and the barman and the cloak-room at-
tendant (another man of genius) are only the pre-
lude to the great supper-hall, which is simply and
completely dazzling, with its profuse festoons of
electric bulbs, its innumerable naked shoulders,
arms, and bosoms, its fancy costumes, its bald heads,
its music, clatter, and tinkle, and its desperate
gaiety. To go into it is like going into a furnace
of sensuality. It can be likened to nothing but
an orange-lit scene of Roman debauch in a play
written and staged by Mr. Hall Caine. One feels
CAUSE CELEBRE 61
that one has been unjust in one's attitude to Mr.
Hall Caine's claims as a realist.
Although the restaurant will positively not hold
any more revellers, more revellers insist on coming
in, and fresh tables are produced by conjuring and
placed for them between other tables, until the whole
mass of wood and flesh is wedged tight together
and waiters have to perform prodigies of insinua-
tion. The effect of these multitudinous wasters is
desolating, and even pathetic. It is the enormous
stupidity of the mass that is pathetic, and its secret
tedium that is desolating. At their wits' end how
to divert themselves, these bald heads pass the time
in capers more antique and fatuous than were ever
employed at a village wedding. Some of them find
distraction in monstrous gorging — and beefsteaks
and fried potatoes and spicy sauces go down their
throats in a way to terrorise the arthritic beholder.
Others merely drink. Some quarrel, with the bone-
less persistency of intoxication. One falls humor-
ously under a table, and is humorously fished up by
the red-coated leader of the orchestra: it is a
marked success of esteem. Many are content to
caress the bright odalisques with fond, monotonous
vacuity. A few of these odalisques, and the wait-
ers, alone save the spectacle from utter humiliation.
The waiters are experts engaged in doing their job.
The industry of each night leaves them no energy
for dissoluteness. They are alert and determined.
Their business is to make stupidity as lavish as pos-
sible, and they succeed. To see them surveying
with cold statistical glances the field of their opera-
62 PARIS NIGHTS
tions, to listen to their indestructible politeness, to
divine the depth of their concealed scorn — this is a
pleasure. And some of the odalisques are beauti-
ful. Fine women in the sight of heaven ! They too
are experts, with the hard preoccupation of experts.
They are at work; and this is the battle of life.
They inspire respect. It is — it is the dignity of
labour.
Suddenly it is announced that the jury at the
Palace are about to deliver their verdict. Nobody
knows how the news has come, nor even who first
spoke it in the restaurant. But there it is. Hu-
morous guffaws of relief are vented. The fever
of the place becomes acute, with a decided influence
on the consumption of champagne. The accused
lady is toasted again and again. Of course, she had
been, throughout, the solid backbone of the chatter;
but now she was all the chatter. And everybody
recounted again to everybody else every suggestive
rumour of her iniquity that had appeared in any
newspaper for months past. She was tried over
again in a moment, and condemned and insulted and
defended, and consistently honoured with libations.
She had never been more truly heroic, more legend-
ary, than she was then.
The childlike company loudly demanded the ver-
dict, with their tongues and with their feet.
A beautiful young girl of about eighteen, the
significant features of whose attire were long black
stockings and a necklace, said to a gentleman who
was helping her to eat a vast entrecote and to drink
champagne:
THEY INSPIRK RESPKCT (Page 62)
CAUSE CfiLlJBRE 63
"If it comes not soon, it will be too late."
"The verdict?" said the fatuous swain. "How?
—too late?"
"I shall be too drunk," said the girl, apparently
meaning that she would be too drunk to savour the
verdict and to get joy from it. She spoke with
mournful and slightly disgusted certainty, as
though anticipating a phenomenon which was abso-
lutely regular and absolutely inevitable,
And then, on a table near the centre of the room,
instead of plates and glasses appeared a child-
dancer who might have been Spanish or Creole, but
who probably had never been out of Montmartre.
This child seemed to be surrounded by her family
seated at the table — by her mother and her aunts
and a cousin or so, all with simple and respectable
faces, naively proud of and pleased with the child.
From their expressions, the child might have been
cutting bread and butter on the table instead of
dancing. The child danced exquisitely, but her per-
formance could not moderate the din. It was a
lovely thing gloriously wasted. The one feature
of it that was not wasted on the intelligence of the
company was the titillating contrast between the
little girl's fresh infancy and the advanced decom-
position of her environment.
She ceased, and disappeared into her family.
The applause began, but it was mysteriously and
swiftly cut short. Why did every one by a simultane-
ous impulse glance eagerly in the direction of the
door? Why was the hush so dramatic? A voice —
whose? — cried near the doorway:
64 PARIS NIGHTS
"Acquittee!"
And all cried triumphantly: "Acquitted
Acquittee! Acquittee! Acquitted" Happy, bois-
terous Bedlam was created and let loose. Even the
waiters forgot themselves. The whole world stood
up, stood on chairs, or stood on tables; and shouted,
shrieked, and whistled. But the boneless drunkards
were still quarrelling, and one bald head had re-
tained sufficient presence of mind to wear a large
oyster-shell facetiously for a hat. And then the or-
chestra, inspired, struck into a popular refrain of the
moment, perfectly apposite. And all sang with
right good- will:
"Le lendemain die etait souriante"
VI
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET AT THE OPERA
Sylvain's is the only good restaurant in the centre
of Paris where you can dine in the open air, that is
to say, in the street. Close by, the dark, still mass
of the Opera rises hugely out of the dusk and out
of the flitting traffic at its base. Sylvain's is full of
diners who have no eyes to see beyond the surfaces
of things.
By virtue of a contract made between Sylvain's
and the city, the diners are screened off from the
street and from the twentieth century by a row of
high potted evergreens. Pass within the screen,
and you leave behind you the modern epoch. The
Third Republic recedes; the Second Empire re-
cedes ; Louis-Philippe has never been, nor even Na-
poleon; the Revolution has not begun to announce
itself. You are become suddenly a grand seigneur.
Every gesture and tone of every member of the
personnel of Sylvain's implores your excellency
wifh one word:
"Deign!"
It is curious that while a modern shopkeeper who
sells you a cigar or an automobile or a quarter of
lamb does not think it necessary to make you a noble
of the ancien regime before commencing business, a
shopkeeper who sells you cooked food could not omit
65
66 PARIS NIGHTS
this preliminary without losing his self-respect.
And it is the more curious since all pre-democratic
books of travel are full of the cheek of these par-
ticular shopkeepers. Such tales of old travellers
could scarcely be credited, in spite of their unison,
were it not that the ancient tradition of rapacious
insolence still survives in wild and barbaric spots
like the cathedral cities of England.
Your excellency, attended by his gentlemen-in-
waiting (who apparently never eat, never want to
eat), in the intervals of the ceremonious collation
will gaze with interest at the Opera, final legacy of
the Empire to the Republic. A great nation owes
it to itself to possess a splendid opera-palace. Art
must be fostered. The gracious amenities of life
must be maintained. And this is the State's affair.
The State has seen to it. The most gorgeous build-
ing in Paris is not the legislative chamber, nor the
hall of the University, nor the clearing-house of
charity. It is the Opera. The State has paid for
it, and the State pays every year for its maintenance.
That is, the peasant chiefly pays. There is not a
peasant in the farthest corner of France who may
not go to bed at dark comforted by the thought that
the Opera in Paris is just opening its cavalry-sen-
tinelled doors, and lighting its fifteen thousand
electric candles, and that he is helping to support all
that. Paris does not pay ; the habitues of the Opera
do not pay; the yawning tourists do not pay; the
grandiose classes do not pay. It is the nation, as a
nation, that accepts the burden, because the encour-
agement of art is a national duty. (Moreover,
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 67
visiting monarchs have to be diverted. ) Of one sort
or another, from the tenor to the vendor of pro-
grammes, there are twelve hundred priests and
priestesses of art in the superb building. A few
may be artists. But it is absolutely certain that all
are bureaucrats.
The Opera is the Circumlocution Office. The
Opera is a State department. More, it is probably
the most characteristic of all the State departments,
and the most stubbornly reactionary. The nominal
director, instead of being omnipotent and godlike,
is only a poor human being whose actions are the re-
sultant of ten thousand forces that do not fear him.
The Opera is above all the theatre of secret influ-
ences. Every mystery of its enormous and waste-
ful inefficiency can be explained either by the opera-
tion of the secret influence or by the operation of
the bureaucratic mind. If the most tedious operas
are played the most often, if the stage is held by
singers who cannot sing, if original artists have no
chance there, if the blight of a flaccid perf unctoriness
is upon nearly all the performances, if astute moth-
ers can sell the virginity of their dancing daughters
to powerful purchasers in the wings, the reason is a
reason of State. The Opera is the splendid prey
of the high officers of State. If such a one wants an
evening's entertainment, or a mistress, or to get rid
of a mistress, the Opera is there, at his disposition.
The foyer de la danse is the most wonderful seraglio
in the western world, and it is reserved to the Gov-
ernment and to subscribers. Thus is art fostered,
and for this does the peasant pay.
68 PARIS NIGHTS
Nevertheless the Opera is a beautiful and impres-
sive sight in the late, warm dusk of June. Against
the deep purple sky the monument stands up like a
mountain; and through its innumerable windows —
holes in the floor of heaven — can be glimpsed yel-
low clusters of candelabra and perspectives of mar-
ble pillars and frescoed walls. And at the foot of
the gigantic fapade little brightly coloured figures
are running up the steps and disappearing eagerly
within: they are the world of fashion, and they
know that they are correct and that the Opera is the
Opera.
«* # * *
I looked over the crimson plush edge of the box
down into Egypt, where Cleopatra was indulging
her desires ; into a civilisation so gorgeous, primitive,
and f ar-off that when compared to it the eighteenth
and the twentieth centuries seemed as like as two peas
in their sophistication and sobriety. Cleopatra had
set eyes on a youth, and a whim for him had taken
her. By no matter what atrocious exercise of power
and infliction of suffering, that whim had to be
satisfied on the instant. It was satisfied. And a
swift homicide left the Queen untrammelled by any
sentimental consequences. The whole affair was
finished in a moment, and the curtain falling on all
that violent and gorgeous scene. In a moment this
Oriental episode, interpreted by semi-Oriental art-
ists, had made all the daring prurient suggestiveness
of French comedy seem timid and foolish. It was a
revelation. A new standard was set, and there was
not a vaudevillist in the auditorium but knew that
_. , ftfr
ft-
SYLPHIDES (Page 69)
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 69
neither he nor his interpreters could ever reach that
standard. The simple and childlike gestures of the
slave-girls as with their bodies and their veils they
formed a circular tent to hide Cleopatra and her
lover — these gestures took away the breath of pro-
test.
The St. Petersburg and the Moscow troupes,
united, of the Russian Imperial Ballet, had been
brought to Paris, at vast expense and considerable
loss, to present this astounding spectacle of mere
magnificent sanguinary lubricity to the cosmopoli-
tan fashion of Paris. There the audience actually
was, rank after rank of crowded toilettes rising to the
dim ceiling, young women from the Avenue du Eois
and young women from Arizona, and their protec-
tive and possessive men. And nobody blenched, no-
body swooned. The audience was taken by assault.
The West End of Europe was just staggered into
acceptance. As yet London has seen only frag-
ments of Russian ballet. But London may and
probably will see the whole. Let there be no
qualms. London will accept also. London might
be horribly scared by one-quarter of the audacity
shown in Cleopatra, but it will not be scared by the
whole of that audacity. An overdose of a fatal
drug is itself an antidote. The fact is, that the
spectacle was saved by a sort of moral nudity, and
by a naive assurance of its own beauty. Oh! It
was extremely beautiful. It was ineffably more
beautiful than any other ballet I had ever seen. An
artist could feel at once that an intelligence of really
remarkable genius had presided over its invention
70 PARIS NIGHTS
and execution. It was masterfully original from
the beginning. It continually furnished new ideals
of beauty. It had drawn its inspiration from some
rich fountain unknown to us occidentals. Neither
in its scenery, nor in its grouping, nor in its panto-
mime was there any clear trace of that Italian influ-
ence which still dominates the European ballet.
With a vengeance it was a return to nature and a
recommencement. It was brutally direct. It was
beastlike; but the incomparable tiger is a beast. It
was not perverse. It was too fresh, zealous, and
alive to be perverse. Personally I was conscious of
the most intense pleasure that I had experienced in
a theatre for years. And this was Russia! This
was the country that had made such a deadly and
disgusting mess of the Russo-Japanese War.
* # «* *
The box was a stage-box. It consisted of a suite
of two drawing-rooms, softly upholstered, lit with
electric light, and furnished with easy-chairs and
mirrors. A hostess might well have offered tea to
a score of guests therein. And as a fact there were
a dozen people in it. Its size indicated the dimen-
sions of the auditorium, in which it was a mere cell.
The curious thing about it was the purely incidental
character of its relation to the stage. The front of
it was a narrow terrace, like the mouth of a bottle,
which offered a magnificent panorama of the audi-
torium, with a longitudinal slice of the stage at one
extremity. From the terrace one glanced vertically
down at the stage, as at a street-pavement from a
first-storey window. Three persons could be com-
/
J
FRAGILE AND B2AUTIFUL ODALISQUES (Page 77)
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 71
fortable, and four could be uncomfortable, on the
terrace. One or two more, by leaning against chair-
backs and coiffures, could see half of the longitud-
inal slice of the stage. The remaining half-dozen
were at liberty to meditate in the luxurious twilight
of the drawing-room. The Republic, as operatic
manager, sells every night some scores, and on its
brilliant nights some hundreds, of expensive seats
which it is perfectly well aware give no view what-
ever of the stage: another illustration of the truth
that the sensibility of the conscience of corporations
varies inversely with the size of the corporation.
But this is nothing. The wonderful aspect of
the transaction is that purchasers never lack. They
buy and suffer; they buy again and suffer yet
again; they live on and reproduce their kind.
There was in the hinterland of the box a dapper, viva-
cious man who might (if he had wasted no time)
have been grandfather to a man as old as I. He
was eighty-five years old, and he had sat in boxes
of an evening for over sixty years. He talked eas-
ily of the heroic age before the Revolution of '48,
when, of course, every woman was an enchantress,
and the farces at the Palais Royal were really amus-
ing. He could pipe out whole pages of farce.
Except during the entr'actes this man's curiosity
did not extend beyond the shoulders of the young
women on the terrace. For him the spectacle might
have been something going on round the corner of
the next street. He was in a spacious and discreet
drawing-room; he had the habit of talking; talking
was an essential part of his nightly hygiene; and he
72 PARIS NIGHTS
talked. Continually impinging, in a manner
fourth-dimensional, on my vision of Cleopatra's
violent afternoon, came the " Je me rappelle" of this
ancient. Now he was in Rome, now he was in Lon-
don, and now he was in Florence. He went nightly
to the Pergola Theatre when Florence was the capi-
tal of Italy. He had tales of kings. He had one
tale of a king which, as I could judge from the
hard perfection of its phraseology, he had been re-
peating on every night-out for fifty years. Accord-
ing to this narration he was promenading the inevit-
able pretty woman in the Cascine at Florence, when
a heavily moustached person en civil flashed by,
driving a pair of superb bays, and he explained not
without pride to the pretty woman that she looked
on a king.
"It is that, the king?" exclaimed the pretty in-
genue too loudly.
And with a grand bow (of which the present gen-
eration has lost the secret) the moustaches, all flash-
ing and driving, leaned from the equipage and an-
swered: "Yes, madame, it is that, the king."
"Et si vous aviez vu la tete de la dame . . . f*
In those days society existed.
I should have heard many more such tales during
the entr'acte, but I had to visit the stage. Strictly,
I did not desire to visit the stage, but as I possessed
the privilege of doing so, I felt bound in pride to go.
I saw myself at the great age of eighty-five re-
counting to somebody else's grandchildren the mar-
vels that I had witnessed in the coulisses of the
Paris Opera during the unforgettable season of the
THE UNFORGETTABLE SEASON
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 73
Russian Imperial Ballet in the early years of the
century, when society existed.
At an angle of a passage which connects the audi-
torium with the tray (the stage is called the tray,
and those who call the stage the stage at the Opera
are simpletons and lack guile) were a table and a
chair, and, partly on the chair and partly on the
table, a stout respectable man: one of the twelve
hundred. He looked like a town-councillor, and
his life-work on this planet was to distinguish be-
tween persons who had the entry and persons who
had not the entry. He doubted my genuineness at
once, and all the bureaucrat in him glowered from
his eyes. Yes ! My card was all right, but it made
no mention of madame. Therefore, I might pass,
but madame might not. Moreover, save in cases
very exceptional, ladies were not admitted to the
tray. So it appeared! I was up against an entire
department of the State. Human nature is such
that at that moment, had some power offered me the
choice between the ability to write a novel as fine
as Crime and Punishment and the ability to tri-
umph instantly over the pestilent town-councillor,
I would have chosen the latter. I retired in good
order. "You little suspect, town-councillor," I said
to him within myself, "that I am the guest of the
management, that I am extremely intimate with the
management, and that, indeed, the management is
my washpot!" At the next entr'acte I returned
again with an omnipotent document which in-
structed the whole twelve hundred to let both mon-
sieur and madame pass anywhere, everywhere. The
74 PARIS NIGHTS
town-councillor admitted that it was perfect, so far
as it went. But there was the question of my hat
to be considered. I was not wearing the right kind
of hat! The town councillor planted both his feet
firmly on tradition, and defied imperial passports.
"Can you have any conception," I cried to him within
myself, "how much this hat cost me at Henry
Heath's?" Useless! Nobody ever had passed, and
nobody ever would pass, from the auditorium to the
tray in a hat like mine. It was unthinkable. It
would be an outrage on the Code Napoleon. . . .
After all, the man had his life-work to perform. At
length he offered to keep my hat for me till I came
back. I yielded. I was beaten. I was put to
shame. But he had earned a night's repose.
£ «* ji «*
The famous, the notorious foyer de la danse was
empty. Here was an evening given exclusively to
the ballet, and not one member of the corps had had
the idea of exhibiting herself in the showroom spe-
cially provided by the State as a place or rendez-
vous for ladies and gentlemen. The most precious
quality of an annual subscription for a seat at the
Opera is that it carries with it the entry to the
foyer de la danse (provided one's hat is right) ; if it
did not, the subscriptions to the Opera would as-
suredly diminish. And lo ! the gigantic but tawdry
mirror which gives a factitious amplitude to a room
that is really small, did not reflect the limbs of a
single dancer! The place had a mournful, shabby-
genteel look, as of a resort gradually losing fashion.
It was tarnished. It did not in the least correspond
AN HONEST MISS (Pape 75)
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 75
with a young man's dreams of it. Yawning tedium
hung in it like a vapour, that tedium which is the
implacable secret enemy of dissoluteness. This, the
foyer de la danse, where the insipidly vicious hero-
ines of Halevy's ironic masterpiece achieved, with
a mother's aid, their ducal conquests! It was as
cruel a disillusion as the first sight of Rome or Jeru-
salem. Its meretriciousness would not have de-
ceived even a visionary parlour-maid. Neverthe-
lelss, the world of the Opera was astounded at the
neglect of its hallowed foyer by these young women
from St. Petersburg and Moscow. I was told, with
emotion, that on only two occasions in the whole
season had a Russian girl wandered therein. The
legend of the sobriety and the chastity of these
strange Russians was abroad in the Opera like a
strange, uncanny tale. Frankly, Paris could not
understand it. Because all these creatures were
young, and all of them conformed to some standard
or other of positive physical beauty! They could
not be old, for the reason that a ukase obliged them
to retire after twenty years' service at latest ; that is,
at about the age of thirty-six, a time of woman's life
which on the Paris stage is regarded as infancy.
Such a ukase must surely have been promulgated
by Ivan the Terrible or Catherine! . . . No!
Paris never recovered from the wonder of the fact
that when they were not dancing these lovely girls
were just honest misses, with apparently no taste
for bank-notes and spiced meats, even in the fever
of an unexampled artistic and fashionable success.
Amid the turmoil of the stage, where the prodi-
76 PARIS NIGHTS
giously original peacock-green scenery of Schehera-
zade was being set, a dancer could be seen here and
there in a corner, waiting, preoccupied, worried,
practising a step or a gesture. I was clumsy
enough to encounter one of the principals who did
not want to be encountered; we could not escape
from each other. There was nothing for it but to
shake hands. His face assumed the weary, unwill-
ing smile of conventional politeness. His fingers
were limp.
"It pleases you?"
"Enormously."
I turned resolutely away at once, and with relief
he lapsed back into his preoccupation concerning
the half-hour's intense emotional and physical la-
bour that lay immediately in front of him. In a
few moments the curtain went up, and the terrific
creative energy of the troupe began to vent itself.
And I began to understand a part of the secret of
the extreme brilliance of the Russian ballet.
£ «* * *
The brutality of Scheherazade was shocking. It
was the Arabian Nights treated with imaginative
realism. In perusing the Arabian Nights we never
try to picture to ourselves the manners of a real
Bagdad; or we never dare. We lean on the pictur-
esque splendour and romantic poetry of certain
aspects of the existence portrayed, and we shirk the
basic facts: the crudity of the passions, and the su-
perlative cruelty informing the whole social system.
For example, we should not dream of dwelling on
the more serious functions of the caliphian eunuchs.
SCHEHERAZADE (Page 76)
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 77
In the surpassing fury and magnificence of the Rus-
sian ballet one saw eunuchs actually at work, scimi-
tar in hand. There was the frantic orgy, and then
there was the barbarous punishment, terrible and re-
volting ; certainly one of the most sanguinary sights
ever seen on an occidental stage. The eunuchs pur-
sued the fragile and beautiful odalisques with
frenzy; in an instant the seraglio was strewn with
murdered girls in all the abandoned postures of
death. And then silence, save for the hard breath-
ing of the executioners! ... A thrill! It
would seem incredible that such a spectacle should
give pleasure. Yet it unquestionably did, and very
exquisite pleasure. The artists, both the creative
and the interpretative, had discovered an artistic
convention which was at once grandiose and truth-
ful. The passions displayed were primitive, but
they were ennobled in their illustration. The per-
formance was regulated to the least gesture ; no de-
tail was unstudied; and every moment was beauti-
ful; not a few were sublime.
And all this a by-product of Russian politics!
If the politics of France are subtly corrupt ; if any-
thing can be done in France by nepotism and influ-
ence, and nothing without; if the governing ma-
chine of France is fatally vitiated by an excessive
and unimaginative centralisation — the same is far
more shamefully true of Russia. The fantastic in-
efficiency of all the great departments of State in
Russia is notorious and scandalous. But the Im-
perial ballet, where one might surely have presumed
an intensification of every defect (as in Paris),
78 PARIS NIGHTS
happens to be far nearer perfection than any other
enterprise of its kind, public or private. It is genu-
inely dominated by artists of the first rank; it is in-
vigorated by a real discipline; and the results
achieved approach the miraculous. The pity is that
the moujik can never learn that one, at any rate, of
the mysterious transactions which pass high up over
his head, and for which he is robbed, is in itself hon-
est and excellent. An alleviating thought for the
moujik, if only it could be knocked into his great
thick head! For during the performance of the
Russian Imperial Ballet at the Paris Opera, amid
all the roods of toilettes and expensive correctness,
one thinks of the moujik; or one ought to think of
him. He is at the bottom of it. See him in Tche-
koff's masterly tale, The Moujiks, in his dirt,
squalor, drunkenness, lust, servitude, and despair!
Realise him well at the back of your mind as you
watch the ballet! Your delightful sensations be-
fore an unrivalled work of art are among the things
he has paid for.
^ «* £ £
Walking home, I was attracted, within a few hun-
dred yards of the Opera, by the new building of the
Magasins du Printemps. Instead of being lighted
up and all its galleries busy with thousands of
women in search of adornment, it stood dark and
deserted. But at one of the entrances was a feeble
ray. I could not forbear going into the porch and
putting my nose against the glass. The head-
watchman was seated in the centre of the ground-
floor chatting with a colleague. With a lamp and
CHIEF EUNUCH (Page 77)
RUSSIAN IMPERIAL BALLET 79
chairs they had constructed a little domesticity for
themselves in the middle of that acreage of silks and
ribbons and feathers all covered now with pale dust-
sheets. They were the centre of a small sphere of
illumination, and in the surrounding gloom could be
dimly discerned gallery after gallery rising in a
slender lacework of iron. The vision of Bagdad
had been inexpressibly romantic; but this vision also
was inexpressibly romantic. There was something
touching in the humanity of those simple men amid
the vast nocturnal stillness of that organism — the
most spectacular, the most characteristic, the most
spontaneous, and perhaps the most beautiful sym-
bol of an age which is just as full of romance as any
other age. The human machine and the scenic pan-
orama of the big shop have always attracted me,
as in Paris so in London. And looking at this par-
ticular, wonderful shop in its repose I could con-
template better the significance of its activity.
What singular ideals have the women who passion-
ately throng it in the eternal quest! I say "passion-
ately," because I have seen eyes glitter with fierce
hope in front of a skunk boa or the tints of a new
stuff, translating instantly these material things
into terms of love and adoration. What cruelty is
hourly practised upon the other women who must
serve and smile and stand on their feet in the stuffi-
ness of the heaped and turbulent galleries eleven
hours a day six full days a week; and upon the still
other women, unpresentable, who in their high gar-
rets stitch together these confections! And how
fine and how inspiriting it all is, this fever, and these
80 PARIS NIGHTS
delusive hopes, and this cruelty! The other women
are asleep now, repairing damage; but in a very
few hours they will be converging here in long hur-
ried files from the four quarters of Paris, in their
enforced black, and tying their black aprons, and
pinning on their breasts the numbered discs which
distinguish them from one another in the judgment-
books of the shop. They will be beginning again.
The fact is that Bagdad is nothing to this. Only
people are so blind.
LIFE IN LONDON— 1911
THE RESTAURANT
You have a certain complacency in entering it,
because it is one of the twenty monster restaurants
of London. The name glitters in the public mind.
"Where shall we dine?" The name suggests it-
self; by the immense force of its notoriety it comes
unsought into the conversation like a thing alive.
"All right ! Meet you in the Lounge at 7.45." You
feel — whatever your superficial airs — that you are
in the whirl of correctness as you hurry (of course
late) out of a taxi into the Lounge. There is some-
thing about the word "Lounge" . . .! Space
and freedom in the Lounge, and a foretaste of lux-
ury ; and it is inhabited by the haughty of the earth !
You are not yet a prisoner, in the Lounge. Then
an official, with the metallic insignia of authority,
takes you apart. He is very deferential — but with
the intimidating deference of a limited company that
pays forty per cent. You can go upstairs — though
he doubts if there is immediately a table — or you
can go downstairs. (Strange, how in the West-
End, when once you quit the street, you must al-
ways go up or down ; the planet's surface is forbid-
den to you ; you lose touch with it ; the ground-land-
lord has taken it and hidden it.) You go down-
stairs; you are hypnotised into going downstairs;
83
84 PARIS NIGHTS
and you go down, and down, one of a procession,
until a man, entrenched in a recess furnished to
look like a ready-made tailor's, accepts half your
clothing and adds it to his stock. He does not ask
for it; he need not; you are hypnotised. Stripped,
you go further down and down. You are now
part of the tremendous organism; you have left
behind not merely your clothing, but your volition;
your number is in your hand.
Suddenly, as you pass through a doorway, great
irregular vistas of a subterranean chamber discover
themselves to you, limitless. You perceive that
this wondrous restaurant ramifies under all Lon-
don, and that a table on one verge is beneath St.
Paul's Cathedral, and a table on the other verge
beneath the Albert Memorial. All the tables — all
the thousands of tables — are occupied. An official
comes to you, and, putting his mouth to your ear
(for the din is terrific) , tells you that he will have a
table for you in three minutes. You wait, forlorn.
It reminds you of waiting at the barber's for a
shave, except that the barber gives you an easy-chair
and a newspaper. Here you must stand; and you
must gather your skirts about you and stand firm to
resist the shock of blind waiters. Others are in
your case; others have been waiting longer than
you, and at every moment more arrive. You wait.
The diners see you waiting, and you wonder whether
they are eating slowly on purpose. . . . At
length you are led away — far, far from the pit's
mouth into a remote working of the mine. You
watch a men whisk away foul plates and glasses,
\
'Ic O /(illA V< ^
HE IS VERY DEFERENTIAL (Page 83)
THE RESTAURANT 85
and cover offence with a pure white cloth. You sit.
You are saved ! And human nature is such that you
feel positively grateful to the limited com-
pany. . . .
«*«*«*«*
You begin to wait again, having been deserted
by your saviours. And then your wandering at-
tention notices behind you, under all the other
sounds, a steady sound of sizzling. And there fat,
greasy men, clothed and capped in white, are throw-
ing small fragments of animal carcases on to a
huge, red fire, and pulling them off in the nick of
time, and flinging them on to plates which are con-
tinually being snatched away by flying hands.
The grill, as advertised! And you wait, helpless,
through a period so long that if a live cow and a
live sheep had been led into the restaurant to sat-
isfy the British passion for realism in eating, there
would have been time for both animals to be mur-
dered, dismembered, and fried before the gaze of
a delighted audience. But fear not. The deity
of the organism, though unseen, is watching over
you. You have not been omitted from the divine
plan. Presently a man approaches with a gigan-
tic menu, upon which are printed the names of
hundreds of marvellous dishes, and you can have
any of them — and at most reasonable prices.
Only, you must choose at once. You must say in-
stantly to the respectful but inexorable official ex-
actly what you will have. You are lost in the menu
as in a labyrinth, as in a jungle at nightfall. . . .
Quick! For, as you have waited, so are others
86
PARIS NIGHTS
waiting! Out with it! You drop the menu.
"Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding— Guinness."
The magic phrase releases you. In the tenth of a
second the official has vanished. A railway truck
laden with the gifts of Cuba and Sumatra and the
monks of the Chartreuse, sweeps majestically by,
blotting out the horizon; and lo! no sooner has it
glided past than you see men hastening towards
you with plates and bottles. With an astounding
celerity the beef and the stout have, arrived — out of
the unknown and the unknowable, out of some se-
cret place in the centre of the earth, where rows
and rows of slices of beef and bottles of stout wait
enchanted for your word.
All the thousands of tables scintillate with linen
and glass and silver, and steel and ivory, and are
bright with flowers; ten thousand blossoms have
been wrenched from their beds and marshalled here
in captive regiments to brighten the beef and stout
on which your existence depends. The carpet is a
hot crimson bed of flowers. The whole of the ceil-
ing is carved and painted and gilded; not a square
inch of repose in the entire busy expanse of it; and
from it thousands of blinding electric bulbs hang
down like stalactites. The walls are covered with
enormous mirrors, perversely studded with gold
nails, and framed in gold sculpture. And these
mirrors fling everything remorselessly back at you.
So that the immensity and glow of the restau-
rant are multiplied to infinity. The band is fight-
ing for its life. An agonised violinist, swaying
and contorting in front of the band, squeezes the
li^af.i. •.^^-v^
-
THE RESTAURANT (Page 83)
THE RESTAURANT 87
last drop of juice out of his fiddle. The "selec-
tion" is "Carmen" But "Carmen" raised to the
second power, with every piano, forte, allegro, and
adagio exaggerated to the last limit ; "Carmen"
composed by Souza and executed by super- Sicil-
ians; a "Carmen" deafening and excruciating!
And amid all this light and sound, amid the music
and the sizzling, and the clatter of plates and glass,
and the reverberation of the mirrors, and the whir-
ring of the ventilators, and the sheen of gold, and
the harsh glitter of white, and the dull hum of
hundreds of strenuous conversations, and the hoarse
cries of the pale demons at the fire, and the haste,
and the crowdedness, and the people waiting for
your table — you eat. You practise the fine art of
dining.
In a paroxysm the music expires. The effect
is as disconcerting as though the mills of God had
stopped. Applause, hearty and prolonged, re-
sounds in the bowels of the earth. . . . You
learn that the organism exists because people really
like it.
£ * «* £
This is a fearful and a romantic place. Those
artists who do not tingle to the romance of it are
dead and have forgotten to be buried. The ro-
mance of it rises grandiosely storey beyond storey.
For you must know that while you are dining in the
depths, the courtesans, and their possessors are din-
ing in the skies. And the most romantic and im-
pressive thing about it all is the invisible secret
thoughts, beneath the specious bravery, of the un-
88 PARIS NIGHTS
countable multitude gathered together under the
spell of the brains that invented the organism.
Can you not look through the transparent faces of
the young men with fine waistcoats and neglected
boots, and of the young women with concocted hats
and insecure gay blouses, and of the waiters whose
memories are full of Swiss mountains and Italian
lakes and German beer gardens, and of the violinist
who was proclaimed a Kubelik at the Conservatoire
and who now is carelessly pronounced "jolly good"
by eaters of beefsteaks? Can you not look through
and see the wonderful secret pre-occupations? If
so, you can also pierce walls and floors, and see
clearly into the souls of the cooks and the sub-cooks,
and the cellar-men, and the commissionaires in the
rain, and the washers-up. They are all there, in-
cluding the human beings with loves and ambitions
who never do anything for ever and ever but wash
up. These are wistful, but they are not more wist-
ful than the seraphim and cherubim of the upper
floors. The place is grandiose and imposing; it
has the dazzle of extreme success; but when you
have stared it down it is wistful enough to make
you cry.
Accidentally your eye rests on the gorgeous frieze
in front of you, and after a few moments, among
the complex scrollwork and interlaced Cupids, you
discern a monogram, not large, not glaring, not
leaping out at you, but concealed in fact rather
modestly! You decipher the monogram. It con-
tains the initials of the limited company paying
THE BAND (Pape Sff)
THE RESTAURANT 89
forty per cent, and also of the very men whose
brains invented the organism. They are men.
They may be great meni they probably are; but
they are men.
II
BY THE RIVER
Every morning I get up early, and, going
straight to the window, I see half London from an
eighth-storey. I see factory chimneys poetised,
and the sign of a great lion against the sky, and the
dome of St. Paul's rising magically out of the mist,
and pearl-coloured minarets round about the hori-
zon, and Waterloo Bridge suspended like a dream
over the majestic river; and all that sort of thing.
I am obliged, in spite of myself, to see London
through the medium of the artistic sentimentalism
of ages. I am obliged even to see it through the
individual eyes of Claude Monet, whose visions of
it I nevertheless resent. I do not want to see, for
example, Waterloo Bridge suspended like a dream
over the majestic river. I much prefer to see it
firmly planted in the plain water. And I ulti-
mately insist on so seeing it. The Victoria Em-
bankment has been, and still is, full of pitfalls for
the sentimentalist in art as in sociology; I would
walk warily to1 avoid them. The river at dawn, the
river at sunset, the river at midnight (with its
myriad lamps, of course) ! . . . Let me have
the river at eleven a. m. for a change, or at tea-time.
And let me patrol its banks without indulging in
an orgy of melodramatic contrasts.
90
BY THE RIVER 91
I will not be carried away by the fact that the
grand hotels, with their rosy saloons and fair
women (not invariably or even generally fair!),
look directly down upon the homeless wretches hud-
dled on the Embankment benches. Such a juxta-
position is accidental and falsifying. Nor will I
be imposed upon by the light burning high in the
tower of St. Stephen's to indicate that the legisla-
tors are watching over Israel. I think of the House
of Commons at question-time, and I hear the rus-
tling as two hundred schoolboyish human beings
(not legislators nor fathers of their country) si-
multaneously turn over a leaf of two hundred ques-
tion-papers, and I observe the self-consciousness of
honourable members as they walk in and out, and
the naive pleasure of the Labour member in his enor-
mous grey wideawake, and the flower in the but-
tonhole of the white-haired and simple ferocious
veteran of democracy, and the hobnobbing over
stewed tea and sultana on the draughty terrace.
Nor, when I look at the finely symbolic architec-
ture of New Scotland Yard, will I be obsessed by
the horrors of the police system and of the prison
system and by the wrongness of the world. I re-
gard with fraternal interest the policeman in his
shirt-sleeves lolling at a fourth-floor window.
Thirty, twenty, years ago people used to be stag-
gered by the sudden discovery that, in the old He-
braic sense of the word, there was no God. It
winded them, and some of them have never got
over it. Nowadays people are being staggered by
the sudden discovery that there is something funda-
92 PARIS NIGHTS
mentally wrong with the structure of society.
This discovery induces a nervous disease which runs
through whole thoughtful multitudes. I suffer
from it myself. Nevertheless, just as it is certain
that there is a God, of some kind, so it is certain
that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the
structure of society. There is something wrong —
but it is not, fundamental. There always has been
and always will be something wrong. Do you sup-
pose, O reformer, that when land- values are taxed,
and war and poverty and slavery and overwork
and underfeeding and disease and cruelty have dis-
appeared, that the structure of society will seem a
whit the less wrong? Never! A moderate sense
of its wrongness is precisely what most makes life
worth living.
^ «* «* «*
Between my lofty dwelling and the river is a
large and beautiful garden, ornamented with stat-
ues of heroes. It occupies ground whose annual
value is probably quite ten thousand pounds — that
is to say, the interest on a quarter of a million. It
is tended by several County Council gardeners, who
spend comfortable lives in it, and doubtless thereby
support their families in dignity. Its lawns are
wondrous ; its parterres are full of flowers, and its
statues are cleansed perhaps more thoroughly than
the children of the poor. This garden is, as a rule,
almost empty. I use it a great deal, and sometimes
I am the only person in it. Its principal occupants
are well-dressed men of affairs, who apparently
IN THE EMBANKMENT GARDENS (Page
BY THE RIVER 93
employ it, as I do, as a ground for reflection.
Nursemaids bring into it the children of the rich.
The children of the poor are not to be seen in it — •
they might impair the lawns, or even commit the
horrible sin of picking the blossoms. During the
only hours when the poor could frequent it, it is
thoughtfully closed. The poor pay, and the rich
enjoy. If I paid my proper share of the cost of
that garden, each of my visits would run me into
something like half-a-sovereign. My pleasure is
being paid for up all manner of side-streets. This
is wrong; it is scandalous. I would, and I will,
support any measure that promises to rectify the
wrongness. But in the meantime I intend to have
my fill of that garden, and to savour the great sen-
sations thereof. I will not be obsessed by one as-
pect of it.
The great sensations are not perhaps what one
would have expected to be the great sensations.
Neither domes, nor towers, nor pinnacles, nor spec-
tacular contrasts, nor atmospheric effects, nor the
Wordsworthian "mighty heart" ! It is the County
Council tram, as copied from Glasgow and Man-
chester, that appeals more constantly and more
profoundly than anything else of human creation
to my romantic sensibility "Yes," I am told, "the
tram-cars look splendid at night!" I do not mean
specially at night. I mean in the day. And fur-
ther, I have no desire to call them ships, or to call
them aught but tram-cars. For me they resemble
just tram-cars, though I admit that when forty or
94 PARIS NIGHTS
fifty of them are crowded together, they remind me
somewhat of a herd of elephants. They are enor-
mous and beautiful; they are admirably designed,
and they function perfectly; they are picturesque,
inexplicable, and uncanny. They come to rest with
the gentleness of doves, and they hurtle through
the air like shells. Their motion — smooth, delicate
and horizontal — is always delightful. They are
absolutely modern, new, and original. There was
never anything like them before, and only when
something different and better supersedes them will
their extraordinary gliding picturesqueness be ap-
preciated. They never cease. They roll along
day and night without a pause ; in the middle of the
night you can see them glittering away to the ends
of the county. At six o'clock in the morning
they roll up over the horizon of Westminster
Bridge in hundreds incessantly, and swing down-
wards and round sharply away from the Parlia-
ment which for decades refused them access to their
natural gathering-place. They are a thrilling
sight. And see the pigmy in the forefront of each
one, rather like a mahout on the neck of an ele-
phant, doing as he likes with the obedient mon-
ster ! And see the scores of pigmies inside each of
them, black dots that jump out like fleas and dis-
appear like fleas! The loaded tram stops, and in
a moment it is empty, and of the contents there is
no trace. The contents are dissolved in London.
. . . And then see London precipitate the con-
tents again; and watch the leviathans, gorged,
BY THE RIVER 95
glide off in endless procession to spill immortal souls
in the evening suburbs!
£ «* # $
But the greatest sensation offered by the garden,
though it happens to be a mechanical contrivance,
is entirely independent of the County Council. It
is — not the river — but the movement of the tide.
Imagination is required in order to conceive the
magnitude, the irresistibility, and the consequences
of this tremendous shuttle- work, which is regulated
from the skies, rules the existence of tens of thou-
sands of people, and casually displaces incalculable
masses of physical matter. And the curious human
thing is that it fails to rouse the imagination of the
town. It cleaves through the town, and yet is ut-
terly foreign to it, having been estranged from it
by the slow evolutionary process. All those tram-
cars roll up over the horizon of Westminster
Bridge, and cross the flood and run for a mile on
its bank, and not one man in every tenth tram-car
gives the faintest attention to the state of the river.
A few may carelessly notice that the tide is "in"
or "out," but how many realise the implications?
For all they feel, the river might be a painted
stream! No wonder that the touts crying "Steam-
boat! Steamboat!" have a mournful gesture, and
the "music on board" sounds thin, like a hallucina-
tion, as the shabby paddle-wheels pound the water!
The cause of the failure of municipal steamers is
more recondite than the yellow motor-cars of the
journals which took pride in having ruined them.
96 PARIS NIGHTS
And the one satisfactory inference from the failure
is that human nature is far less dependent on non-
human nature than vague detractors of the former
and devotees of the latter would admit. It is, after
all, rather fine to have succeeded in ignoring the
Thames !
Ill
THE CLUB
It was founded for an ideal. Its scope is na^
tional, and its object to regenerate the race, to
remedy injustice, and to proclaim the brotherhood
of mankind. It is for the poor against the pluto-
crat, and for the slave against the tyrant, and for
democracy against feudalism. It is, in a word, of
the kingdom of heaven. It was born amid im-
mense collisions, and in the holy war it is the of-
ficial headquarters of those who are on the side of
the angels. In its gigantic shadow the weak and
the oppressed sell newspapers and touch their hats
to the warriors as they pass in and pass out.
The place is as superb as its ideal. No half
measures were taken when it was conceived and
constructed. Its situation is among the most ex-
pensive and beautiful in the world of cities. Its
architecture is grandiose, its square columned hall
and its vast staircase (hewn from Carrara) are two
of the sights of London. It is like a town, but a
town of Paradise. When the warrior enters its
portals he is confronted by instruments and docu-
ments which inform him with silent precision of
the time, the temperature, the barometric pressure,
the catalogue of nocturnal amusements, and the
colour of the government that happens to be in
97
08 PARIS NIGHTS
power. The last word spoken in Parliament, the
last quotation on the Stock Exchange, the last
wager at Newmarket, the last run scored at cricket,
the result of the last race, the last scandal, the last
disaster — all these things are specially printed for
him hour by hour, and pinned up unavoidably be-
fore his eyes. If he wants to bet, he has only to put
his name on a card entitled "Derby Sweepstake."
Valets take his hat and stick; others (working sev-
enty hours a week) shave him; others polish his
boots.
$ $ £ £
The staircase being not for use, but merely to
immortalise the memory of the architect, he is
wafted upwards by a lift into a Titanic apartment
studded with a thousand easy-chairs, and furnished
with newspapers, cigars, cigarettes, implements of
play, and all the possibilities of light refection. He
lapses into a chair, and lo! a bell is under his hand.
Ting! And a uniformed and initialled being
stands at attention in front of him, not speaking
tijl he speaks, and receiving his command with the
formalities of deference. He wishes to write a let-
ter— a table is at his side, with all imaginable sta-
tionery; a machine offers him a stamp, another licks
the stamp, and an Imperial letter-box is within
reach of his arm, — it is not considered sufficient
that there should be a post-office, with young
girls who have passed examinations, in the build-
ing itself. He then chats, while sipping and smok-
ing, or nibbling a cake, with other reclining war-
riors; and the hum of their clatter rises steadily
HE SLUMBERS ALONE (Page 99)
THE CLUB 99
from the groups of chairs, inspiring the uni-
formed and initialled beings who must not speak
till spoken to with hopes of triumphant democracy
and the millennium. For when they are not discuss-
ing more pacific and less heavenly matters, the
warriors really do discuss the war, and how they
fought yesterday, and how they will fight to-mor-
row. If at one moment the warrior is talking
about "a perfectly pure Chianti that I have brought
from Italy in a cask," at the next he is planning to
close public-houses on election days.
When he has had enough of such amiable gossip
he quits the easy chair, in order to occupy another
one in another room where he is surrounded by all
the periodical literature of the entire world, and
by the hushed murmur of intellectual conversation
and the discreet stirring of spoons in tea-cups.
Here he acquaints himself with the progress of the
war and the fluctuations of his investments and the
price of slaves. And when even the solemnity of
this chamber begins to offend his earnestness, he
glides into the speechless glamour of an enormous
library, where the tidings of the day are repeated
a third time, and, amid the companionship of a
hundred thousand volumes and all the complex ap-
paratus of research, he slumbers, utterly alone.
Late at night, when, he has eaten and drunk, and
played cards and billiards and dominoes and
draughts and chess, he finds himself once more in
the smoking-room — somehow more intimate now —
with a few cronies, including one or two who out in
the world are disguised as the enemy. The atmos-
100 PARIS NIGHTS
phere of the place has put him and them into a sort
of exquisite coma. Their physical desires are as-
suaged, and they know by proof that they are in
control of the most perfectly organised mechanism
of comfort that was ever devised. Naught is for-
gotten, from the famous wines cooling a long age
in the sub-basement, to the inanimate chauffeur in
the dark, windy street, waiting and waiting till a
curt whistle shall start him into assiduous life.
They know that never an Oriental despot was bet-
ter served than they. Here alone, and in the man-
sions of the enemy, has the true tradition of service
been conserved. In comparison, the most select
hotels and restaurants are a hurly-burly of crude
socialism. The bell is under the hand, and the la-
belled menial stands with everlasting patience near ;
and home and women are far away. And the
world is not.
Forgetting the platitudes of the war, they talk
of things as they are. All the goodness of them
comes to the surface, and all the weakness. They
state their real ambitions and their real prefer-
ences. They narrate without reserve their secret
grievances and disappointments. They are naked
and unashamed. They demand sympathy, and
they render it, in generous quantities. And while
thus dissipating their energy, they honestly imagine
that they are renewing it. The sense of reality
gradually goes, and illusion reigns — the illusion
that, after all, God is geometrically just, and that
strength will be vouchsafed to them according to
THE CLUB 101
their need, and that they will receive the reward of
perfect virtue.
And their illusive satisfaction is chastened and
beautified by the consciousness that the sublime in-
stitution of the club is scarcely what it was, — is in
fact decadent; and that if it were not vitalised by
a splendid ideal, even their club might wilt under
the sirocco of modernity. And then the echoing
voice of an attendant warns them, with deep re-
spect, that the clock moves. But they will not
listen, cannot listen. And the voice of the attend-
ant echoes again, and half the lights shockingly ex-
pire. But still they do not listen; they cannot
credit. And then, suddenly, they are in utter dark-
ness, and by the glimmer of a match are stumbling
against easy-chairs and tables, real easy-chairs and
real tables. The spell of illusion is broken. And
in a moment they are thrust out, by the wisdom of
their own orders, into Pall Mall, into actuality, into
the world of two sexes once more.
«* # * $
And yet the sublime institution of the club is
not a bit anaemic. Within a quarter of a mile is the
monumental proof that the institution has been re-
juvenated and ensanguined and empowered. Co-
lossal, victorious, expensive, counting its adherents
in thousands upon thousands, this monument scorns
even the pretence of any ancient ideal, and adopts
no new one. The aim of the club used ostensibly
to be peace, idealism, a retreat, a refuge. The new
aim is pandemonium, and it is achieved. The new
102 PARIS NIGHTS
aim is to let in the world, and it is achieved. The
new aim is muscular, and it is achieved. Arms,
natation, racquets — anything to subdue the soul
and stifle thought! And in the reading-room,
dummy books and dummy book-cases ! And a din-
ing-room full of bright women; and such a mad
competition for meals that glasses and carafes will
scarce go round, and strangers must sit together at
the same small table without protest! And, to
crown the hullaballoo, an orchestra of red-coated
Tziganes swaying and yearning and ogling in or-
der to soothe your digestion and to prevent you
from meditating.
This club marks the point to which the evolution
of the sublime institution has attained. It has
come from the shore of Lake Michigan; it is the
club of the future, and the forerunner of its kind.
Stand on its pavement, and watch its entering
heterogeneous crowds, and then throw the glance no
more than the length of a cricket-pitch, and watch
the brilliantly surviving representatives of feudal-
ism itself ascending and descending the steps of
the most exclusive club in England; and you will
comprehend that even when the House of Lords
goes, something will go — something unconsciously
cocksure, and perfectly creased, and urbane, and
dazzlingly stupid — that was valuable and beauti-
ful. And you will comprehend politics better, and
the profound truth that it takes all sorts to make a
world.
THE CLUB OF THE FUTURE (Page 102) '
IV
THE CIRCUS
The flowers heaped about the bronze fountain
are for them. And so that they may have flowers
all day long, older and fatter and shabbier women
make their home round the fountain (modelled by
a genius to the memory of one whose dream was to
abolish the hardships of poverty), with a sugar-
box for a drawing-room suite and a sack for a cur-
tain; these needy ones live there, to the noise of
water, with a secret society of newspaper-sellers,
knowing intimately all the capacities of the sugar-
box and sack ; and on hot days they revolve round
the fountain with the sun, for their only sunshade is
the shadow of the dolphins. On every side of their
habituated tranquillity the odours of petrol swirl.
The great gaudy-coloured autobuses, brilliant as
the flowers, swing and swerve and grind and sink
and recover, and in the forehead of each is a black-
ened demon, tremendously preoccupied, and so
small and withdrawn as to be often unnoticed ; and
this demon rushes forward all day with his life in
his hand and scores of other lives in his hand, for
two pounds a week. When he stops by the foun-
tain, he glances at the flowers unseeing, out of the
depths of his absorption. He is piloting cargoes
of the bright beings for whom the flowers are
heaped.
103
104 PARIS NIGHTS
Stand on the steps of the fountain, and look be-
tween the autobuses and over the roofs of taxis and
the shoulders of policemen, and you will see at
eveiy hand a proof that the whole glowing place,
with its flags gaily waving and its hubbub of rich
hues, exists first and last for those same bright be-
ings. If there is a cigar shop, if there is a necktie
shop like Joseph's coat, it is to enable the male to cut
a dash with those beings. And the life insurance
office — would it continue if there were no bright
beings to be provided for? And the restaurants!
And the I chemists! And the music-hall! The
sandwich-men are walking round and round with
the names of the most beauteous lifted high on their
shoulders. The leather shop is crammed with
dressing-cases and hat-boxes for them. The jewel-
ler is offering solid gold slave-bangles (because
they like the feel of the shackle) at six pound ten.
And above all there is the great establishment on
the corner! An establishment raised by tradition
and advertisement and sheer skill to the rank of a
national institution, famous from Calgary to the
Himalayas, far more famous and beloved than even
the greatest poets and philanthropists. An insti-
tution established on one of the seven supreme sites
of the world! And it is all theirs, all for them!
Coloured shoes, coloured frocks, coloured neck-
laces, coloured parasols, coloured stockings, jabots,
scents, hats, and all manner of flimsy stuffs whose
names — such as Shantung — summon up in an in-
stant the deep orientalism of the Occident: the in-
numerable windows are a perfect riot of these de-
THE CIRCUS 105
licious affairs! Who could pass them by? This
is a wondrous institution. Of a morning, before
the heat of the day, you can see coming out of its
private half -hidden portals (not the ceremonious
glazed doors) black-robed young girls, with their
hair down their backs, and the free gestures learnt
at school and not yet forgotten, skipping off on I
know not what important errands, earning part of
a livelihood already in the service of those others.
And at its upper windows appear at times more
black-robed girls, and disappear, like charming
prisoners in a castle.
«* «* # £
The beings for whom the place exists come down
all the curved vistas towards it, on foot or on wheel,
all day in radiant droves. They are obliged at any
rate to pass through it, for the Circus is their Clap-
ham Junction, and the very gate of finery. Im-
possible to miss it ! It leads to all coquetry, and all
delights and dangers. And not only down the vis-
tas are they coming, but they are shot along
subterranean tubes, and hurried through endless
passages, and flung up at last by lifts from the
depths into the open air. And when you look at
them you are completely baffled. Because they
are English, and the most mysterious women on
earth, save the Scandinavians. You cannot get at
their secret; it consists in an impenetrable ideal.
With the Latin you do come in the end to the solid
marble of Latin practicalness; the Latin is per-
fectly unromantic. But the romanticism of these
English is something so recondite that no research
106 PARIS NIGHTS
and no analysis can approach it. Ibsen could
never have made a play out of a Latin woman;
but I tell you that, for me, every woman stepping
off an autobus and exposing her ankles and her
character as she dodges across the Circus, has the
look in her face of an Ibsen heroine; she emanates
romance and enigma; she is the potential main-
spring of a late-Ibsen drama, the kind whose import
no critic is ever quite sure of. This it is to be
Anglo-Saxon, and herein is one of the grand major
qualities of the streets of London.
They are in this matter, I do believe, all alike,
these creatures. You may encounter one so ugly
and mannish and grotesque that none but an Eng-
lishman could take her to his arms, and even she
has the ineffable romantic gaze. All the countless
middle-aged women who support circulating li-
braries have it; the hair of a woman of fifty blows
about her face romantically. All the nice, young-
ish married women have it, those who think they
know a thing or two. And as for the girls, the
young girls, they show a romantic naivete which
transcends belief ; they are so fresh and so virginal
and so loose-limbed and so obsessed by a mysterious
ideal, that really (you think) the street is too peril-
ous a place for them. And yet they go confidently
about, either alone or in couples, or with young
men at bottom as simple as themselves, and naught
happens to them; they must be protected by their
idealism. And now and then you will see a woman
who is strictly and truly chic, in the extreme French
sense — an amazing spectacle in our city of sloppy
£
^c\r
MWJ
-i
FLOWER WOMEN (Pope /OS)
THE CIRCUS 107
women who, while dreaming of dress for ten hours
a day, cannot even make their blouses fasten de-
cently— and this chic Parisianised creature herself
will have kept her idealistic gaze! They all keep
it. They die with it at seventy-five. Whatever
adventure occurs to an Englishwoman, she remains
spiritually innocent and naive. The Circus is
bathed in the mood of these qualities.
£ £ £ £
Towards dark it alters and is still the same. See
it after the performances on a matinee day, surg-
ing with heroines. See it at eight o'clock at night,
a packed mass of taxis and automobiles, each the
casket of a romantic creature, hurrying in pursuit
of that ideal without a name. Later, the place is
becalmed, and scarcely an Englishwoman is to be
seen in it until after the theatres, when once again
it is nationalised and feminised to an intense degree.
The shops are black, and the flower-sellers are
gone; but the electric skysigns are in violent activ-
ity, and there is light enough to see those baffling
faces as they flash or wander by. And the trains
are now bearing the creatures away in the deep-laid
tubes.
And then there comes an hour when the hidden
trains have ceased, and the autobuses have nearly
ceased, and the bright beings have withdrawn them-
selves until the morrow; and now, on all the foot-
paths of the Circus, move crowded processions of
men young and old, slowly, as though in the per-
formance of a rite. It leads to nothing, this tramp-
ing; it serves no end; it is merely idiotic, in a pecul-
108 PARIS NIGHTS
iarly Anglo-Saxon way. But only heavy rain can
interfere with it. It persists obstinately. And
the reason of it is that the Circus is the Circus.
And after all, though idiotic, it has the merit and
significance of being instinctive. The Circus sym-
bolises the secret force which drives forward the
social organism through succeeding stages of evo-
lution. The origin of every effort can be seen at
some time of day emerging from a crimson autobus
in the Circus, or speeding across the Circus in a
green taxi. The answer to the singular conundrum
of the City is to be found early or late in the Circus.
The imponderable spirit of the basic fact of society
broods in the Circus forever. Despite all changes,
there is no change. I say no change. You may
gaze into the jeweller's shop at the gold slave-ban-
gles, which cannot be dear at six pound ten, since
they express the secret attitude of an entire sex.
And then you may turn and gaze at the face of a
Suffragette, with her poster and her armful of pa-
pers, and her quiet voice and her mien of pride.
And you may think you see a change fundamental
and terrific. Look again.
PICCADILLY CIRCUS (Pa^e 1(33)
THE BANQUET
In every large London restaurant, and in many
small ones, there is a spacious hall (or several) cur-
tained away from the public, in which every night
strange secret things go on. Few suspect, and
still fewer realise, the strangeness of these secret
things. In the richly decorated interior (some-
times marked with mystic signs) , at a table which
in space reaches from everlasting to everlasting, and
has the form of a grill or a currycomb or the end
of a rake — at such a table sit fifty or five hundred
males. They are all dressed exactly alike, in black
and white; but occasionally they display a coloured
flower, and each man bears exactly the same spe-
cies and tint and size of flower, so that you think
of regiments of flowers trained throughout their
lives in barracks to the end of shining for a night
in unison on the black and white bosoms of these
males. Although there is not even a buffet in the
great room, and no sign of the apparatus of a res-
taurant, all these males are eating a dinner, and
it is the same dinner. They do not wish to choose ;
they accept, reading the menu like a decree of fate.
They do not inquire upon the machinery; a slave,
unglanced at, places a certain quantity of a dish in
front of them — and lo! the same quantity of the
109
HO PARIS NIGHTS
same dish is in front of all of them; they do not
ask whence nor how it came; they eat, with indus-
try, knowing that at a given moment, whether they
have finished or not, a hand will steal round from
behind them, and the plate will vanish into limbo.
Thus the repast continues, ruthlessly, under the
aquiline gaze of a slave who is also a commander-
in-chief, manoeuvring his men silently, manoeuvr-
ing them with naught but a glance. With one
glance he causes to disappear five hundred salad-
plates, and with another he conjures from behind
a screen five hundred ices, each duly below zero,
and each calculated to impede the digesting of a
salad. The service of the dinner is a miracle, but
the diners, absorbed in the expectancy of rites to
come, reck not; they assume the service as they as-
sume the rising of the sun. Only a few remember
the old, old days, in the 'eighties (before a cabal of
international Jews had put their heads together
and inaugurated a new age of miracles), when
these solemn repasts were a scramble and a guerilla,
after which one half of the combatants went home
starving, and the other half went home glutted and
drenched. Nowadays these repasts are the most
perfectly democratic in England; and anybody
who has ever assisted at one knows by a morsel of
experience what life would be if the imaginative
Tory's nightmare of Socialism were to become a
reality. But each person has enough, and has it
promptly.
£ # «* £
The ceremonial begins with a meal, because it
FROM BAYSWATER TO THE CIRCUS (Page 105)
THE BANQUET 111
would be impossible on an empty stomach. Its
object is ostensibly either to celebrate the memory
of some deed or some dead man, or to signalise the
triumph of some living contemporary. Clubs and
societies exist throughout London in hundreds ex-
pressly for the execution of these purposes, and
each! of them is a remunerative client of a large res-
taurant. Societies even exist solely in order to
watch for the triumphs of contemporaries, and to
gather in the triumphant to a repast and inform
them positively that they are great. So much so
that it is difficult to accomplish anything unusual,
such as the discovery of one pole or another, or the
successful defence of a libel action, without sub-
mitting to the ordeal of these societies one after the
other in a chain, and emerging therefrom with mod-
esty ruined and the brazen conceit of a star actor.
But the ostensible object is merely a cover for the
real object, the unadmitted and often unsuspected
object: which is, to indulge in a debauch of
universal mutual admiration. When the physical
appetite is assuaged, then the appetite for praise
and sentimentality is whetted, and the design of the
mighty institution of the banquet is to minister, in
a manner majestic and unexceptionable, to this base
appetite, whose one excuse is its naivete.
A pleasurable and even voluptuous thrill of an-
ticipation runs through the assemblage when the
chairman rises to open the orgy. Everybody
screws himself up, as a fiddler screwing the pegs of
a fiddle, to what he deems the correct pitch of ap-
preciativeness ; and almost the breath is held. And
112 PARIS NIGHTS
the chairman says: " Whatever differences may di-
vide us upon other subjects, I am absolutely con-
vinced, and I do not hesitate to state my convic-
tion in the clearest possible way, that we are enthusi-
astically and completely agreed upon one point,"
the point being that such and such a person or such
and such a work is the greatest person or the great-
est work of the kind in the whole history of the hu-
man race. And although the point is one utterly
inadmissible upon an empty stomach, although it
is indeed a glaring falsity, everybody at once fever-
ishly endorses it, either with shrill articulate cries,
or with deep inarticulate booming, or with noises
produced by] the shock of flesh on flesh, or ivory on
wood, or steel on crystal. The uproar is enor-
mous. The chairman grows into a sacramental
priest, or a philosopher of amazing insight and
courage. And everybody says to himself: "I had
not screwed myself up quite high enough," and
proceeds to a further screwing. And in every
heart is the thought: "This is grand! This is
worth living for ! This alone is the true reward of
endeavour!" And the corporate soul muses ecstat-
ically: "This work, or this man, is ours, by reason
of our appreciation and our enthusiasm. And he,
or it, is ours exclusively." And, since the soul and
the body are locked together in the closest sympa-
thetic intimacy, all those cautious dyspeptic ones
who have hitherto shirked danger, immediately put
on courage like a splendid garment, and order the
strongest drinks and the longest cigars that the es-
tablishment can offer. The real world fades into
FROM SOUTH LONDON TO THE CIRCUS (Page 105)
THE BANQUET 118
unreality; the morrow is lost in eternity; the mo-
ment and the illusion alone are real.
The key of the mood is to be sought less in the
speeches as they succeed each other than in the ap-
plause. For the applauders are not influenced by
a sense of responsibility, or made self-conscious by
publicity. They can be natural, and they are.
What fear can prevent them from translating in-
stantly their emotions into sound? By the ap-
plause, if you are a slave and non-participator, you
may correct your too kindly estimate of men in the
mass. Note how the most outrageous exaggera-
tion, the grossest flattery, the most banal platitude,
the most fatuous optimism, gain the loudest ap-
proval. Note how any reservation produces a fall
of temperature. Note how the smallest jokes are
seized on ravenously, as a worm by a young bird.
And note always the girlish sentimentality, ever
gushing forth, of these strong, hard-headed males
whose habit is to proverbialise the sentimentality
of women.
The emotional crisis arrives. Feeling transcends
the vehicle of speech, and escapes in song. And
one guest, honoured either for some special deed of
his own or because his name has been "coupled"
with some historic deed or movement, remains sit-
ting, in the most exquisite self-consciousness that
human ingenuity ever brought about, while all the
rest fling hoarsely at him the fifteen sacred words
of a refrain which in its incredible vulgarity sur-
passes even the National Anthem.
114 PARIS NIGHTS
The reaction is now not far off. But owing to
several reasons it is postponed yet awhile. The
honoured guest's response is one of the chief attrac-
tions of the night. Very many diners have been
drawn to the banquet by the desire to inspect the
honoured guest at their leisure, to see his antics, to
divine his human weaknesses and his ridiculous side.
And, moreover, the honoured guest must give praise
for praise, and lie for lie. He is bound by the
strictest conventions of social intercourse to say in
so many words: "Gentlemen, you are the most en-
lightened body of men that I ever had the good
fortune to meet; and your hospitality is the great-
est compliment that I have ever had, or ever shall
have, or could conceive. Each of you is a prince
of the earth. And I am a worm . . ." And
then there are the minor speeches, finishing off in
detail the vast embroidery of laudation which was
begun by the Chairman. Everybody is more or
less enfolded in that immense mantle. And every-
body is satisfied and sated, save those who have sat
through the night awaiting the sweet mention of
their own names, and who have been disappointed.
At every banquet there are such. And it is they
who, by their impatience, definitely cause the re-
action at last. The speakers who terminate the af-
fair fight against the reaction in vain. The ap-
plause at the close is perfunctory — how different
from the fever of the commencement and the hys-
teria of the middle! The illusion is over. The
emotional debauch is finished. The adult and
bearded boys have played the delicious make-believe
THE BANQUET 115
of being truly great, and the game is at an end;
and each boy, looking within, perceives without too
much surprise that he is after all only himself. A
cohort "of the best," foregathered in the cloak-
room, say to each other, "Delightful evening!
Splendid! Ripping!" And then one says, iron-
ically leering, in a low voice, and a tone heavy with
realistic disesteem: "Well, what do you think
of — ?" Naming the lion of the night.
VI
ONE OF THE CROWD
He comes? out of the office, which is a pretty large
one, with a series of nods — condescending, curt, in-
different, friendly, and deferential. He has de-
testations and preferences, even cronies; and if he
has superiors, he has also inferiors. But whereas
his fate depends on the esteem of a superior, the
fate of no inferior depends on his esteem. When
he nods deferentially he is bowing to an august
power before which all others are in essence equal ;
the least of his inferiors knows that. And the least
of his inferiors will light, on the stairs, a cigarette
with the same gesture, and of perhaps the same
brand, as his own — to signalise the moment of free-
dom, of emergence from the machine into human
citizenship. Presently he is walking down the
crammed street with one or two preferences or in-
differences, and they are communicating with each
other in slang, across the shoulders of jostling in-
terrupters, and amid the shouts of newsboys and
the immense roaring of the roadway. And at the
back of his mind, while he talks and smiles, or
frowns, is a clear vision of a terminus and a clock
and a train. Just as the water-side man, wher-
ever he may be, is aware, night and day, of the
exact state of the tide, so this man carries in his
116
FROM WEST KENSINGTON TO THE CIRCUS (Page 105)
ONE OF THE CROWD 117
brain a time-table of a particular series of trains,
and subconsciously he is always aware whether he
can catch a particular train, and if so, whether he
must hurry or may loiter. His case is not peculiar.
He is just an indistinguishable man on the crowded
footpaths, and all the men on the footpaths, like
him, are secretly obsessed by the vision of a train
just moving out of a station.
He arrives at the terminus with only one com-
panion; the rest, with nods, have vanished away
at one street corner or another. Gradually he is
sorting himself out. Both he and his companion
know that there are a hundred and twenty seconds
to spare. The companion relates a new humorous
story of something unprintable, alleged to have
happened between a man and a woman. The re-
ceiver of the story laughs with honest glee, and is
grateful, and the companion has the air of a bene-
factor; which indeed he is, for these stories are
the ready-money of social intercourse. The com-
panion strides off, with a nod. The other remains
solitary. He has sorted himself out, but only for
a minute. In a minute he is an indistinguishable
unit again, with nine others, in the compartment
of a moving train. He reads an evening news-
paper, which seems to have come into his hand of
its own agency, for he catches it every night with
a purely mechanical grasp as it flies in the street.
He reads of deeds and misdeeds, and glances aside
uneasily from the disturbing tides of restless men
who will not let the social order alone. Suddenly,
after the train has stopped several times, he folds
118 PARIS NIGHTS
up the newspaper as it is stopping again, and gets
blindly out. As he surges up into the street on a
torrent of his brothers, he seems less sorted than
ever. The street into which he comes is broad and
busy, and the same newspapers are flying in it.
Nevertheless, the street is different from the streets
of the centre. It has a reddish or a yellowish qual-
ity of colour, and there is not the same haste in
it. He walks more quickly now. He walks a long
way up another broad street, in which rare auto-
buses and tradesmen's carts rattle and thunder.
The street gets imperceptibly quieter, and more
verdurous. He passes a dozen side-streets, and at
last he turns into a side-street. And this side-
street is full of trees and tranquillity. It is so si-
lent that to reach it he might have travelled seventy
miles instead of seven. There are glimpses of yel-
low and red houses behind thick summer verdure.
His pace still quickens. He smiles to himself at
the story, and wonders to whom he can present it
on the morrow. And then he halts and pushes
open a gate upon which is painted a name. And
he is in a small garden, with a vista of a larger
garden behind. And down the vista is a young
girl, with the innocence and grace and awkward-
ness and knowingness of her years — sixteen; a lit-
tle shabby, or perhaps careless, in her attire, but
enchanting. She starts forward, smiling, and ex-
claims :
"Father!"
Now he is definitely sorted out.
,* «* & *
ONE OF THE CROWD 119
Though this man is one of the crowd, though
nobody would look twice at him in Cannon Street,
yet it is to the successful and felicitous crowd that
he belongs. There are tens of thousands of his
grade; but he has the right to fancy himself a bit.
He can do certain difficult things very well — else
how, in the fierce and gigantic struggle for money,
should he contrive to get hold of five hundred
pounds a year?
He is a lord in his demesne; nay, even a sort of
eternal father. Two servants go in fear of him,
because his wife uses him as a bogey to intimidate
them. His son, the schoolboy, a mighty one at
school, knows there is no appeal from him, and quite
sincerely has an idea that his pockets are inexhaust-
ible. Whenever his son has seen him called upon
to pay he has always paid, and money has always
been left in his pocket. His daughter adores and
exasperates him. His wife, with her private sys-
tem of visits, and her suff ragetting, and her inde-
pendences, recognises ultimately in every conflict
that the resultant of forces is against her and for
him. When he is very benevolent he joins her in
the game of pretending that they are equals. He
is the distributor of joy. When he laughs, all
laugh, and word shoots through the demesne that
father is in a good humour.
He laughs to-night. The weather is superb; it
is the best time of the year in the suburbs. Twi-
light is endless; the silver will not die out of the
sky. He wanders in the garden, the others with
him. He works potteringly. He shows himself
120 PARIS NIGHTS
more powerful than his son, both physically and
mentally. He spoils his daughter, who is daily
growing more mysterious. He administers flat-
tery to his wife. He throws scraps of kindness to
the servants. It is his wife who at last insists on
the children going to bed. Lights show at the up-
per windows. The kitchen is dark and silent. His
wife calls to him from upstairs. He strolls round
to the front patch of garden, stares down the side-
road, sees an autobus slide past the end of it, shuts
and secures the gate, comes into the house, bolts
the front door, bolts the back door, inspects the
windows, glances at the kitchen; finally, he extin-
guishes the gas in the hall. Then he leaves the
ground floor to its solitude, and on the first-floor
peeps in at his snoring son, and admonishes his
daughter through a door ajar not to read in bed.
He goes to the chief bedroom, and locks himself
therein with his wife; and yawns. The night has
come. He has made his dispositions for the night.
And now he must trust himself, and all that is his,
to the night. A vague, faint anxiety penetrates
him. He can feel the weight of five human beings
depending on him; their faith in him lies heavy.
In the middle of the night he wakes up, and is
reminded of such-and-such a dish of which he par-
took. He remembers what his wife said: "There's
no doing anything with that girl" — the daughter
— "I don't know what's come over her." And he
thinks of all his son's faults and stupidities, and
of what it will be to have two children adult. It
ONE OF THE CROWD 121
is true — there is no doing anything with either one
or the other. Their characters are unchangeable
— to be taken or left. This is one lesson he
has learnt in the last ten years. And his wife
. . . ! The whole organism of the demesne
presents itself to him, lying awake, as most extra-
ordinarily complicated. The garden alone, the
rose-trees alone, — what a constant cause of solici-
tude! The friction of the servants, — was one of
them a thief or was she not? The landlord must
be bullied about the roof. Then, new wall-papers !
A hinge! His clothes! His boots! His wife's
clothes, and her occasional strange disconcerting
apathy! The children's clothes! Rent! Taxes!
Rates! Season-ticket! Subscriptions! Negligence
of the newsvendor! Bills! Seaside holiday! Er-
ratic striking of the drawing-room clock ! The pain
in his daughter's back! The singular pain in his
own groin — nothing, and yet . . . ! Insur-
ance premium! And above all, the office! Who
knew, who could tell, what might happen? There
was no margin of safety, not fifty pounds margin
of safety. He walked in success and happiness on
a thin brittle crust! Crack! And where would
they all be? Where would be the illusion of his
son and daughter that he was an impregnable and
unshakable rock? What would his son think if
he knew that his father often calculated to half-a-
crown, and economised in cigarettes and a great
deal in lunches? . . .
He asks, "Why did I bring all this on myself?
122 PARIS NIGHTS
Where do I come in, after all?" . . . The
dawn, very early; and he goes to sleep once more!
The next morning, factitiously bright after his
bath, he is eating his breakfast, reading his news-
paper, and looking at his watch. The night is
over; the complicated organism is in full work
again, with its air of absolute security. His news-
paper, inspired by a millionaire to gain a million-
aire's ends by appealing to the ingenuousness of
this clever struggler, is uneasy with accounts of
attacks meditated on the established order. His
mind is made up. The established order may not
be perfect, but he is in favour of it. He has ar-
rived at an equilibrium, unstable possibly, but an
equilibrium. One push, and he would be over!
Therefore, no push! He hardens his heart against
the complaint of the unjustly treated. He has his
own folk to think about.
The station is now drawing him like a magnet.
He sees in his mind's eye every yard of the way
between the side-street and the office, and in imag-
ination he can hear the clock striking at the other
end. He must go; he must go! Several persons
help him to go, and at the garden-gate he stoops
and kisses that mysterious daughter. He strides
down the side-street. Only a moment ago, it seems,
he was striding up it! He turns into the long road.
It is a grinding walk in the already hot sun. He
reaches the station and descends into it, and is di-
minished from an eternal father to a mere unit of
ONE OF THE CROWD 123
a throng. But on the platform he meets a jolly
acquaintance. His face relaxes as they salute. "I
say," he says after an instant, bursting with a good
thing, "Have you heard the tale about the — ?"
ITALY—1910
NIGHT AND MORNING IN FLORENCE
Amid the infantile fluttering confusion caused by
the arrival of the Milan express at Florence rail-
way station, the thoughts of the artist as he falls
sheer out of the compartment upon the soft bodies
of hold-alls and struggling women, are not solely
on the platform. This moment has grandeur.
This city was the home of the supreme ones —
Dante, Leonardo, Michael Angelo, and Brunel-
leschi. You have entered it. ... Awe? I
have never been aware of sentiments of awe towards
any artists, saye Charles Baudelaire. My secret
attitude to them has always been that I would like
to shake their hands and tell them briefly in their
private slang, whatever their private slang was,
that they had given immense pleasure to another
artist. I have excepted Charles Baudelaire ever
since I read his correspondence, in which he is eter-
nally trying to borrow ten francs from some one,
and if they cannot make it ten — then five. There
is something so excessively poignant, and to me so
humiliating, in the spectacle of the grand author
of La Charogne going about among his acquaint-
ance in search of a dollar, that I would only think
about it when I wished to inflict on myself a pen-
ance. It is a spectacle unique. Like the King
127
128 PARIS NIGHTS
of Thule song in Berlioz's Damnation of Faust, it
resembles nothing else of its kind. If the artist
does not stand in awe before that monumental en-
igma of human pride which called itself Charles
Baudelaire, how shall the artist's posture be de-
scribed?
No, I will tell you what occupied the withdrawn
and undefiled spaces of my mind as I entered Flor-
ence, drifting on the stream of labelled menials and
determined ladies with their teeth hard-set: Was
it more interesting for an artist to be born into a
great age of art, where he was beloved and appre-
ciated, if not wholly comprehended, by relatively
large masses of people; where his senses were on
every hand indulged and pampered by the caress
of the obviously beautiful; where he lived among
equals, and saw himself continually surrounded by
innumerable acts creative of beauty; and where he
could feel in the very air a divine palpitation — or,
on the other hand, was it more spiritually voluptu-
ous for the artist to be born into a stone age, an age
deaf and dumb, an age insensible to the sublime,
ignorantly rejecting beauty, and occupying itself
with the most damnable and offensive futilities that
the soul of an artist can conceive? For I was go-
ing, in my fancy, out of the one age into the other.
And I decided, upon reflection, that I would just
as soon be in the age in which I in fact was ; I said
that I would not change places even with the most
fortunate and miraculous of men — Leonardo da
Vinci. There is an agreeable bitterness, an ex-
quisite tang, in the thought of the loneliness of ar-
FLORENCE 129
tists in an age whose greatness and whose epic
quality are quite divorced from art. And when I
think of the artist in this age, I think of the Invisi-
ble Man of H. G. Wells, in the first pride of his in-
visibility (when he was not yet hunted), walking
unseen and unseeing amid multitudes, and it is
long before1 anybody in the multitudes even notices
the phenomenon of mysterious footmarks that can-
not be accounted for! I like to be that man. I
like to think that my fellows are few, and that even
I, not having eyes to see most of them, must now
and then be disconcerted by the appearance of un-
accountable footmarks. There is something be-
yond happiness, and that is, to know intensely and
painfully that you are what you are. The great
Florentines of course had that knowledge, but their
circumstances were not so favourable as mine to its
cultivation in an artist. Therein lay their disad-
vantage and lies my advantage.
Besides, you do not suppose that I would wish to
alter this age by a single iota of its ugliness and its
preposterousness ! You do not suppose I do not
love it! You do not suppose I do not wallow in
the trough of it with delight! There is not one
stockbroker, not one musical comedy star, not one
philanthropic giver of free libraries, not one noble
brewer, not one pander, not one titled musician,
not one fashionable bishop, not one pro-consul, that
I would wish away. Where should my pride bit-
terly exercise itself if not in proving that my age,
exactly as it exists now, contains nothing that is
not the raw material of' beauty? If I wished to do
vf
130 PARIS NIGHTS
so, I would force some among you to see that even
the hotel-tout within the portals of the city* of
Giotto is beautiful.
«* * * *
At dinner I am waited upon by a young and
beautiful girl who, having almost certainly never
heard of Gabriele d'Annunzio, yet speaks his lan-
guage and none other. But she wears the apron
and the cap of the English parlour-maid, in plen-
ary correctness, and, knowing exactly how I should
be served in England, she humours me ; and above
us is a vaulted ceiling. Such is the terrible might
of England. I am surrounded by ladies ; the room
is crammed with ladies. By the perfection of
their virtuosity in the nice conduct of forks alone
is demonstrated their ladyship. (And I who,
like a savage, cannot eat pudding without a spoon!)
There is a middle-aged gentleman, whose eye-
glasses are wandering down his fine nose, lost in a
bosky dell of women at the other end of the room;
and there is myself; and there is a boy, obviously in
Hades. And there are some fifty dames. Their
voices, high, and with the sublime unconscious ar-
rogance of the English, fight quietly and steadily
among each other up in the vaulting. "Of course,
I used to play cricket with my brothers. But,
will you believe me, I've never seen a football match
in my life!" "No, we haven't seen the new rector
yet, but they say he's frightfully nice." "Benozzo
Gozzoli — ye-es." It is impossible not to believe,
listening to these astounding conversations, that
nature, tired of imitating Balzac any longer, has
FLORENCE 131
now taken to imitating the novels of Mrs. Hum-
phry Ward.
The drawing-room is an English drawing-room
— yes, with the Queen and "the authoress of Eliza-
beth and her German Garden" and a Bechstein
grand. There are forty-five chairs and easy chairs
in it, and fifty ladies; the odd five ladies sit low
upon hassocks or recline on each other in attitudes
of intense affection. And at the other end is a
male, neither the man with the pincenez nor the boy
in Hades, but a third who has mysteriously come
out of nothing into existence. I have entered, and
I am held, as by a spell, in the doorway, the electric
light raining upon me, a San Sebastian for the fatal
arrows of the fifty, who fix on me their ingenuous
eyes —
And dart delicious danger thence
(to cull an incomparable phrase from one of the
secular poems of Dr. Isaac Watts). And now
there are more ladies behind me, filling the doorway
with hushed expectation. For in the appalling
silence, a young sad-orbed creature is lifting a vio-
lin delicately from its case on the Bechstein, at
which waits a sister-spirit. "Do tell me," says an
American voice, intrepidly breasting the silence,
"what was that perfectly heavenly thing you
played last night — was it Debussy? We thought
it must be Debussy." And the violinist answers:
"No; I expect you mean the Goltermann. It is
pretty, isn't it?" And as she holds up the violin,
interrogating its strings with an anxious and a
132 PARIS NIGHTS
critical ear, I observe that beneath the strings lies
a layer of rosin-dust. Thirty years ago, in the
fastnesses of the Five Towns, amateurs used to
deem it necessary to keep their violins dirty in or-
der to play with the soulfulness of a Norman Ne-
ruda. I would have been ready to affirm that ob-
servation of the cleanliness of the instruments of
professionals had killed the superstition long since;
but lo, I have tunnelled the Simplon to meet it
again!
I go. Somehow, I depart, beaten off as it were
with great loss. I plunge out into dark Florence,
walking under the wide projecting eaves of Flor-
ence to avoid the rain. And in my mind I can still
see the drawing-room, a great cube of light, with
its crowded frocks whose folds merge one into the
next, and the Bechstein, and the strains of Golter-
mann, and the attentive polite faces, and that sole
man in the corner like a fly on a pin. I have run
away from it. But I know that I shall go back to
it, and that my curiosity will drink it to the dregs.
For that drawing-room is to the working artist in
me the most impressive and the most interesting
thing in Florence. And when I reflect that there
are dozens and dozens of it in Florence, I say that
this age is the most romantic age that ever was.
^ & * #
I know where I am going, for my first business
in entering a town, whether Florence, Hull, or
Constantine, is always to examine the communica-
tive posters on its walls and to glance through its
newspapers. There is a performance of Spon-
FLORENCE 133
tini's La Vestale at the Teatro Verdi. Nothing,
hardly, could have kept me away from that per-
formance, which in every word of its announce-
ment seems to me overpoweringly romantic. The
name of Verdi alone. ... I heard Verdi late
in my life, and in Italy, long after I knew by rote
all the themes in Tristan and Die Meister singer,
after Pelleas et Melisande had ceased to be a nov-
elty at the Paris Opera Comique, after even the
British discovery of Richard Strauss, and I shall
never forget the ravishing effect on me of the first
act of La Traviata; no, nor the tedium of the other
acts. I would go to any theatre named Verdi.
Then Spontini! What is Spontini but a name?
Was it possible that I was about to hear an actual
opera by this antique mediocrity whose music Ber-
lioz loved beyond its deserts? Had anybody ever
heard an opera by Spontini?
The shabbiness of the facade and of the box-
office, and of the suits of the disillusioned but genial
men within the box-office — men who knew the full
meaning of existence' A seat in the parterre for
two lire — say one and sevenpence halfpenny — it is
making a gift of the spectacle! The men take
my two lire with an indulgent gesture, exclaiming
softly with their eyes and hands: "What are two
lire more or less in the vast abyss of our deficit?
Throw them down!" Then I observe that my
ticket is marked posto distinto — prominent seat,
distinguished seat. Useless to tell me that it means
lothing! It means much to me: another example
>f Italian politeness, at once exquisite and futile.
134 PARIS NIGHTS
Would the earl in the gate at Covent Garden, even
for thirty-two lire on a Melba night, offer me a dis-
tinguished seat? , . . Long stone corridors,
steps up, steps down, turnings, directive cries echo-
ing amid arches; and then I am in the auditorium,
vast.
It is as big as Covent Garden, and nearly as big
as La Scala. It has six galleries, about a hundred
boxes, and four varieties of seats on the ground
floor. My distinguished seat is without the first
quality of a seat — yieldingness. It does not ac-
quiesce. It is as hard as seasoned wood can be,
though roomy and well situated. And in a corner,
lying against the high rampart of a box for ten
people, I see negligently piled a great pyramid of
ancient red cushions, scores and scores of them.
And a little old ragged attendant comes and whis-
pers alluringly, delicately in my ear: "Cuscina"
Two sous would hire it and a smile thrown in. But
no, I won't have it. I am too English to have that
cushion. . . . The immense theatre, faced all
in white marble, with traces here and there in a
box of crimson upholstery, is as dim as a church.
There are hundreds of electric bulbs, but unlighted :
the sole illumination comes from a row of perfectly
mediaeval gas-burners along the first gallery.
After all, economy must obtain somewhere. I
count an orchestra of over seventy living players;
the most numerous body in the place : somehow they
must support life. Over the acreage of the par-
terre are sprinkled a few dozens of audience.
There is a serried ring of faces lining the fifth gal-
FLORENCE 135
lery, to which admittance is tenpence, and another
lining the sixth gallery, to which admittance is six-
pence. The rest is not even paper.
Yet a spruce and elegant conductor rises and the
overture begins, and the orchestra proves that its
instruments are real; and I hear Spontini, and for
a little while enjoy his faded embroideries. And
the curtain goes up on "a public place in Rome,"
upon a scale as spacious as Rome itself. Every-
thing is genuine. There are two leading sopranos,
one of whom is young and attractive, and they both
have powerful and trained voices, and sing like the
very dickens. No amateurishness about them!
They know their business; they are accomplished
and experienced artists. No hesitations, no timid-
ities, no askings for indulgence because really I
have only paid two lire! Their fine voices fill the
theatre with ease, and would easily fill Covent Gar-
den to the back row of the half-crown gallery. The
same with the tenor, the same with the bass. Spon-
tini surges onward in an excellent concourse of
multitudinous sound, and I wonder what it is all
about. I have a book of the words, but owing to
the unfortunate absence of Welsbach mantles I
cannot read it. ~ I know it must be all about a ves-
tal who objected to being a vestal, on account of a
military uniform, and I content myself with this
grand central fact. Then the stage brightens, and
choruses begin to march on; one after another; at
least a dozen: soldiers, wrestlers, populace, danc-
ers, children. Yes, the show is complete even to
ragamuffins larking about in the public place in
136 PARIS NIGHTS
Rome. I count a hundred people on the stage.
And all the properties are complete. It is a com-
plete production and an expensive production —
except probably in the detail of wages. For in
Italy prime dome with a repertoire of a dozen or
fifteen first-class roles seem to go about the streets
dressed like shop-girls. I have seen it. All this
is just as exciting to me as the Church of S. Croce,
even as explained by John Ruskin with a school-
master's cane in his lily-hand.
Interval! I go to the refreshment foyer to see
life. And now I can perceive that quite a crowd
of people has been hidden somewhere in the nooks
of the tremendous theatre. The large caffe is
crammed. Of course, it is vaulted, like everything
in Florence. The furniture of the caffb is
strangely pathetic in its f orlornness : marble-topped
mahogany tables, and mahogany chairs in faded
and frayed crimson rep. Furniture that ought to
have been dead and buried long ago! The marble
is yellow with extreme age and use. These tables
and chairs are a most extraordinary survival; in a
kind of Italian Louis Philippe style, debased First
Empire; or it might be likened to earliest Victorian.
Once they were new; once they were the latest
thing. For fifty years perhaps the management
has been meaning to refurnish the caffe as soon as
it could afford. The name of the theatre has been
changed, but not those chairs nor that marble.
And conceivably the sole waiter, gliding swiftly to
and fro with indestructible politeness, is their con-
temporary. The customers are the equivalent of a
THE ORCHESTRA PROVES THAT ITS INSTRUMENTS ARE REAL (Page 135)
FLORENCE 137
music-hall audience in these isles. They smoke,
drink, and expectorate with the casualness of men
who are taking a rest after Little Tich. They do
not go to the opera with prayer and fasting and the
score. They just stroll into the opera. Nor does
the conductor, nor do the players, have the air of
high priests of art who have brought miracles to
pass. And I know what those two sopranos are
talking about upstairs. Here opera is in the bones
of the rabble. It is a tradition: a tradition in a
very bad way of decayed splendour, but alive
yet.
For the second act the auditorium is brighter,
and fuller, though the total receipts would not pay
for five minutes of Caruso alone. The place looks
half full and is perhaps a third full. Behind me
a whole series of first-tier boxes are occupied by a
nice, cheerful, chattering shop-keeping class of per-
sons, simple folk that I like. A few soldiers are
near. Also there is a man next but one to me who
cannot any longer deprive himself of a cigarette.
He bows his head and furtively strikes a match,
right in the middle of the theatre, and for every
puff he bows his head, and then looks up with an
innocent air, as though repudiating any connection
with the wisp of smoke that is floating aloft. No-
body minds. The curtain rises on the interior of
the Temple, a beautiful and solid architectural
scene, much superior to anything in the first act,
whose effect was rich and complex without being
harmonious. The vestal is attending to the fire.
When the military uniform unostentatiously enters,
138 PARIS NIGHTS
I feel that during an impassioned dialogue she will
go and let that fire out. And she does. Such is
the second act. I did not see the third. I shall
never see it. I convinced myself that two acts of
Spontini were enough for me. It was astonishing
that even in Florence Spontini had not been in-
terred. But clearly, from the efficiency, assurance,
and completeness of its production, La Vestale
must have been in the Florentine repertoire per-
haps ever, since its composition, and a management
selling seats at two lire finds it so much easier to
keep an old opera in the repertoire than to kick it
out and bring in a new one. I had savoured the
theatre, and I went, satisfied; also much preoccu-
pied with the financial enigma of the enterprise,
where indeed the real poetry of this age resides.
Whence came the money to pay the wages of at
least a couple of hundred skilled persons, and the
lighting and the heating and the rent, and the ad-
vertisement, and the thousand minor expenses of
such an affair?
When I reached the abode of the ladies it was
all dark and silent. I rang, intimidated. And one
of those young and beautiful girls (no, not so
young and not so beautiful, but still- — ) in her ex-
otic English attire opened the door. And with her
sleepy eyes she looked at me as if saying: "Once
in a way this sort of thing is all very well, but
please don't let it occur too often. I suffer." A
shame! And I crept contrite up the stairs, and
along passages between hidden rows of sleeping la-
FLORENCE 139
dies. And there was my Baedeker lying on the
night-table, and not a word in it about Florentine
opera and the romance thereof.
«* £ 4 4
Rain still! Florentine rain, the next morning,
steady and implacable! They come down to
breakfast, those fifty ladies; not in a cohort, but in
ones and twos and threes, appearing and disappear-
ing, so that there are never more than half a dozen
hovering together over the white and almost naked
tables. They glance momentarily at the high win-
dows and glance away, crushing by a heroic effort
of self-control, impossible to any but women of the
north, the impulse to criticise the order of the uni-
verse. Calm, angular, ungainly, long-suffering,
and morose, Cimabue might have painted them;
not Giotto. Their garb is austere, flannel above
the zone and stuff below; no ornament, no fluffiness,
no enticement; but passably neat, save for the un-
tidy, irregular buttoning of the bodice down the
spine. And note that they are fully and finally
dressed to be seen of men; all the chill rites have
been performed ; they have not leapt straight from
the couch into a peignoir, after the manner of Latin
women — those odalisques at heart! They are as-
toundingly gentle with each other, cooing sympa-
thetic inquiries, emitting kind altruistic hopes,
leaning intimately towards each other, fondling
each other, and even sweetly kissing. They know
by experience that strict observance of a strict code
is the price of peace. In that voluntary mutual
140 PARIS NIGHTS
captivity, so full of enforced, familiar contacts, the
error of a moment might produce a thousand hours
of purgatory. ... A fresh young girl comes
swinging in, and with a gesture of which in a few
years she will be incapable, caresses the chin of her
desiccated mamma. And the contrast between the
two figures, the thought of what lies behind the one
and what lies before the other, inured so soon to
this existence — is poignant. The girl perceptibly
droops in that atmosphere; flourish in it she cannot.
And the smiles and the sweetness continue in pro-
fusion. Nevertheless I feel that I am amid loose
nitro-glycerine : one jar, and the whole affair
might be blown to atoms, and the papers would
be full of "mysterious fatal explosion in a pension
at Florence." The danger-points are the jam-
pots and the honey-pots and the marmalade-pots,
of which each lady apparently has her own. And
when one of them says to the maid (all in white at
this hour, as is meet) : "This is not my jam — I had
more," I quake at the conception of the superhu-
man force which restrains the awful bitterness in
her voice. A matter of an instant ; but in that in-
stant, in that fraction of an instant, the tigress has
snarled at the bars of the cage and been dragged
back. It is marvellous. It is terrifying.
We talk. We talk to prove our virtuosity in
the nice conduct of the early meal. I learn that
they have been here for months, and that they will
be here for months. And that next year it may be
Rome, or more possibly Florence again. Florence
is inexhaustible, inexhaustible.
FLORENCE 141
I mention the opera. I assert that there is such
a thing as an opera.
"Really!" Politeness masking indifference.
I say that I went to the opera last night.
"Really!" Politeness masking a puzzled, an
even slightly alarmed surprise.
I say that the opera was most diverting.
"Really!" Politeness masking boredom.
The opera is not appraised in the guide-books.
,The opera is no part of the official museum. Flor-
ence is a museum, and nothing but a museum.
Beyond the museum they do not admit that any-
thing exists ; hence nothing exists beyond it. They
do not scorn the rest of Florence. The rest of
Florence simply has not occurred to them. Pride
of| the Medicis, bow before this pride, sublime in its
absolute unconsciousness !
* * # ^
That morning I made my way in the rain to the
Strozzi Palace, which palace is for me the great
characteristic building of Florence. When I think
of Florence, I do not expire in ecstasy on the sylla-
bles of Duomo, Baptistery, or Palazzo Vecchio,
or even Bargello. The Strozzi Palace is in my
mind. Possibly I merely prefer it to the Riccardi
Palace because I cannot by paying fivepence in-
vade it and add it up. The Strozzi Palace still
holds out against the northern hordes. Filippo
Strozzi, as to whom my ignorance is immaculate,
must have united in a remarkable degree the qual-
ities of savagery, austere arrogance, and fine taste;
otherwise he would never have approved Maiano's
142 PARIS NIGHTS
plans for this residence and castle. The dimensions
of it remind you of the Comedie Humaine, and
it carries rectangularity and uncompromising
sharpness of corners to the last limit. In form it
is simply a colossal cube, of which you can only
appreciate the height by standing immediately be-
neath the unfinished roof -cornice, the latter so vast
in its beautiful enlargement of a Roman model that
nobody during five hundred years has had the
pluck to set about and finish it. Then you can
see that in size the Strozzi ranks with cathedrals,
and that the residential part of it, up in the air,
only begins where three-story houses end.
To appreciate its beauty and its moral you must
get away from it, opposite one of its corners, so as
to have two facades in perspective. The small
arched windows of the first and second storeys are
all that it shows of & curve. Rather finicking these
windows, the elegant trifling of a spirit essentially
grim; some are bricked up, some show a gleam of
white-painted interior woodwork, and others have
the old iron-studded shutters. The lower windows
are monstrously netted in iron to resist the human
storm. The upper windows may each be ten feet
high, but they are mere details of the fapades, and
the lower windows might be square port-holes.
See the two perspectives sloping away from you
under the tremendous eaves, a state-entrance in
the middle of each! See the three rows of torch
or banner holders and the marvellous iron lanterns
at the corners! Imagine the place lit up with
flame on some night of the early sixteenth cen-
FLORENCE 143
tury, human beings swarming about its base as
at the foot of precipices. Imagine the lights out,
and the dawn, and the day-gloom of those ill-
lighted and splendid apartments. Imagine the
traditional enemies of the Medicis trying to keep
themselves warm therein during a windy Floren-
tine winter! Imagine, from the Strozzi Palace,
the ferocious altercations, and the artistic connois-
seurship, and the continuous ruthless sweating of
the common people, which made up the lives of
the masters of Florence — and you will formulate
a better idea of what life was than from any
church! This palace is a supreme monument of
grim force tempered by an exquisite sense of
beauty. With the exception of an intervening
cornice which has had a piece knocked out of it,
and the damaged plinth, it stands now as it did
at the commencement. Time has not accepted the
challenge of its sharp corners. It might have been
constructed ten years ago by Foster and Dicksee.
I go up to one of the state entrances and peep
in, shamefacedly. For it is a private house. At
the far end of the archway is a magnificent iron
grille, and I can see a delicately arched courtyard,
utterly different in style from the exterior, fruit
of another brain; and beyond the courtyard, a
glimpse of a fresco and the vista of the state en-
trance in the opposite fapade. At each corner of
the courtyard the rain is splashing down, evidently
from high open spouts, splashing with a loud, care-
less, insolent noise, and the middle of the courtyard
is a pool continuously pricked by thousands of rain-
144 PARIS NIGHTS
drops. The glass of the large lamp swinging in
the draught of the archway is broken. A huge
lackey in uniform strolls in front of the grille and
lolls there. I move instinctively away, for if any-
body recoils before a lackey it is your socialist.
Then I see a lady hurrying across the square en-
veloped in a great cloak and sheltered beneath an
umbrella. She makes straight for the state en-
trance, and passes me, dripping up the archway. I
say to myself:
"She belongs to the house. Now I am going to
see the gates yield. The lackey was expecting
her." And I had quite a thrill at sight of this liv-
ing inhabitant of the Strozzi Palace.
But no! She went right up to the grille, as
though the lackey was in prison and she visiting
him, and stopped there and stared silently into the
courtyard. The lackey, dumbfounded and craven,
moved off. She had only come to look. This was
her manner of coming to look. I ought to have
divined by the solidity of her heels that she was
one of ours; not one of my particular band at
breakfast, but in Florence there are dozens upon
dozens of such breakfasts every morning, and from
some Anglican breakfast she had risen.
# # # #
Our breakfast took place in a palace. Not the
Strozzi, not nearly so large nor so fine as the
Strozzi, but a real Florentine palazzo. It has been
transformed within to suit the needs and the ca-
prices of those stern ladies. They have come, and
FLORENCE 145
they have come again, and they have calmly in-
sisted, and they have had their will. Hygienic ap-
pliances authentically signed by the great English
artists in this genre! Radiators in each room!
Electric bulbs over the bed and in the ceiling! Iron
beds! The inconvenient height of the windows
from the floor lessened by a little wooden platform
on which are a little chair and a little table and a
little piece of needlework and a little vase of
flowers! . . * Steadily they are occupying the
palaces, each lady in her nook, and the slow force
of their will moulds even the granite to the de-
sired uses.
Why do they come? It cannot be out of pas-
sion for the great art of the world. Nobody who
had a glimmering of the real sense of beauty could
dress as they dress, move as they move, buy what
they buy, or talk as they talk. They mingle in
their heads Goltermann with Debussy, and Botti-
celli with Maude Goodman. Their drawing-room
is full of Maude Goodman in her rich first period.
. . . It cannot be out of a love of history, for
they never unseal their lips in a spot where history
has been made without demonstrating in the most
painful manner an entire lack of historical imag-
ination. They nibble daintily at crumbs of art
and of archaeology in special booklets which some
of themselves have written and others of them-
selves have illustrated, and which make the coarse
male turn with an almost animal satisfaction to
Carl Baedeker or even the Reverend Herbert H.
146 PARIS NIGHTS
Jeaffreson, M. A. It is impossible that these ex-
cellent creatures, whose only real defect has to do
with the hooks and eyes down their spines, can ever
comprehend the beauty and the significance of
that by which they are surrounded. They have
not the temperament. Temperamentally, they
would be much more at home in Riga. Also it is
impossible to believe that they are happy in Flor-
ence. They do not wear the look of joy. Their
gestures are not those of happiness. Nevertheless
they can only be in Florence because they have
discovered that they are less unhappy here than
at home. What deep malady of society is it that
drives them out of their natural frame — the frame
in which they are comely and even delectable, the
frame which best sets off their finer qualities — into
unnatural exile and the poor despised companion-
ship of their own sex?
And what must be the force of that malady
which drives them! The long levers that ulti-
mately exert their power on the palaces of Flor-
ence are worked from England. Behind each of
these solitary ladies, in the English background,
there must be a mysterious male — relative, friend,
lawyer, stockbroker — advising, controlling, for-
warding cheques and cheques and cheques, always.
These ladies, economically, are dolls of a finan-
cial system. Or you may call them the waste
products of an arthritic civilisation. What a force
is behind them, that they should possess themselves
of another age and genius, and live in it as con-
querors, modifying manners, architecture, and even
WHY DO THEY COME? (Page 145)
FLORENCE 147
perhaps language! The cloaked lady in front of
the grille shall, if you choose, fairly be likened to
a barbarian on the threshold of a philosopher's dead
court ; but as regards mere force, one may say that
in her the Strozzis are up against an equal.
II
THE SEVENTH OF MAY, 1910
It was an exquisitely beautiful Italian morning,
promising heat that a mild and constant breeze
would temper. The East was one glitter. Harm-
less clouds were loitering across the pale sky, and
across the Piazza children were taking the longest
way to early school, as I passed from the clear sun-
shine into the soft transparent gloom of one of the
great pantheons of Italy — a vast thirteenth-century
Franciscan church, the largest church ever built by
any mendicant Order — carved and decorated and
painted by Donatello, Giotto, Andrea della Robbia,
Rossellino, Maiano, Taddeo Gaddi, Verrocchio, the
incomparable Mino da Fiesole, Vasari, Canova.
Already the whole place had been cleansed and
swept, but at one of the remotest altars a char-
woman was dusting. Little by little I descried other
visitors in the distance, moving quietly under the in-
timidation of that calm, afraid to be the first to
break the morning stillness. There was the red
gleam of a Baedeker. At a nearer altar a widow
in black was kneeling in one of those attitudes of
impassioned surrender and appeal that strike you
so curiously, when for instance, you go out of Har-
rods' Stores suddenly into the Brompton Oratory.
From an unseen chapel came the sound of chanting,
148
THE SEVENTH OF MAY, 1910 149
perfunctory, a part of the silence; and last of all, at
still another altar, I made out a richly coloured
priest genuflecting, all alone, save for a black aco-
lyte. In a corner two guides were talking busi-
ness, and by the doors the beggars were talking
business in ordinary tones before the official whin-
ing of the day should commence. The immense in-
terior had spaciousness for innumerable separate
and diverse activities, each undisturbed by the
others. And all around me were the tombs and
cenotaphs of great or notorious men, who had made
the glory and the destiny of Italy; Dante, Galileo,
Michael Angelo, Donatello, Machiavelli; and
Alfieri, Rossini, Aretino, Cherubim, Alberti; and
even St. Louis, and a famous fourteenth century
English Bishop, and a couple of Bonapartes; many
ages, races, climes.
«5» «x* t?* <?*
I sat down and opened the damp newspaper
which I had just bought outside at the foot of the
steps leading up to the dazzling marble fa9ade.
And when I had been staring at the newspaper
some time I became aware that the widow at the al-
tar in the middle distance had risen and was leav-
ing the church, and then I saw to my surprise that
she was an Irish lady staying in my hotel. She
passed near me. Should I stop her, or should I
not? I wanted to stop her, from the naive pride
which one feels in being able to communicate a star-
tling piece of news of the first magnitude. But on
the other hand, I really was nervous about telling
her, To tell her seemed brutal, seemed like knock-
150 PARIS NIGHTS
ing her down. This was my feeling. She decided
the question for me by deviating from her path to
greet me.
"What a lovely morning!" she said.
"Have you heard about the King?" I asked her
gruffly, well knowing that she had not.
"No," she answered smiling. And then, as she
looked at me, her smile faded.
"Well," I said, "he's dead!"
"What! Our King?"
"Yes. He died at midnight. Here it is." And
I showed her the "Recentissime" or Latest News
page of the newspaper, two lines in leaded type:
"Londra, 7, ore 2:30 (Urgenza). Re Edoardo e
morto a mezzanotte" She knew enough Italian to
comprehend that.
"This last midnight?" She was breathless.
"Yes."
"But — but — no one even knew anything about
him being ill?" she protested.
"Yesterday evening's Italian papers had columns
about the illness — it was bronchitis," I said grimly.
"Oh!" she said, "I never see the Italian papers."
Yet the name of Edward the Seventh had been on
every newspaper placard in the land on Friday
night. But in Italy these British have literally
no sight for anything later than the sixteenth cen-
tury.
Tears stood in her eyes. On my part it would
have been just as kindly to knock her down.
"Just think of that little fellow at Osborne —
he's got to be Prince of Wales now, and I suppose
LESS UNHAPPY HERE THAN AT HOME (Page 14$)
THE SEVENTH OF MAY, 1910 151
they'll take him away from there," she murmured
brokenly, as she went off, aghast.
«* ,* # *
I sat down again. It seemed to me, as I re-
flected among these tombs and cenotaphs, that a
woman's eyes, on such an occasion, were a good test
of the genuineness of popular affection.
I then noticed that, while the Irish lady and I had
been whispering, another acquaintance of mine had
mysteriously entered the church without my cog-
nizance and had set up his tent in the south tran-
sept. This was a young man who, having gained
a prominent place in a certain competition at the
Royal College of Art, had been sent off with money
in his pocket, at the expense of the British nation,
to study art and to paint in Italy. He possessed
what is called a travelling scholarship, and the treas-
ures of Italy were at his feet as at the feet of a
conqueror. Already he had visited me at my hotel,
and filled my room with the odour of his fresh oil-
sketches. There were only two things in his head
— the art of painting, and the prospect of an im-
mediate visit to Venice. He had lodged his easel
on a memorial-stone among the flags of the pave-
ment, and was painting a vista of tombs ending in
a bright light of stained glass. His habit was to
paint before the museums opened and after they
closed. I went and accosted him. Again I was
conscious of the nai've pride of a bringer of tragic
tidings. He was young and strong, with fire in
his eye. I need not be afraid of knocking him
down, at any rate.
152 PARIS NIGHTS
"The King's dead," I said.
He lifted his brush.
I nodded.
He burst out with a tremendous, "By Jove!"
that broke that fresh morning stillness once
for all, and faintly echoed into silence among those
tombs. "By Jove!"
His imagination had at once risen to the solemn
grandeur of the event, as an event; but the sharp
significance of death did not penetrate the armour
of that enthusiastic youthfulness. "What a pity!"
he exclaimed nicely ; but he could not get the irides-
cent vision of Venice out of his head, nor the prob-
lems of his canvas. He continued painting — what
else could he do? — -and then, after a few moments,
he said eagerly, "I wish I was in London!"
"Me too!" I said.
Probably most of the thousands of Englishmen
in Italy had the same wish.
* 4 4 J
I departed from the church. The chanting had
ceased; the guides were still talking business, but
the beggars had begun to whine.
In the dining-room of the hotel there was abso-
lute silence. A lady near the door, with an Italian
newspaper over her coffee-cup, who had never
spoken to me before, and would probably never
speak to me again, said:
"I suppose you've heard about — "
"Yes," I said.
Everybody in the room knew. Everybody was
THE SEVENTH OF MAY, 1910 153
English. And nobody spoke. As the guests came
down by ones and twos to breakfast, the lady near
the door stopped each of them: "I suppose you've
heard — " But none of them had. I was her sole
failure. At length a retired military officer came
down, already informed. "Where does this news
come from?" he demanded of the room, impatiently,
cautiously, half-incredulously, as one who would
hesitate to trust any information that he had not
seen in a London daily. With a single inflection of
his commanding voice he wiped out the whole Press
of Italy — that country of excellent newspapers.
He got little answer. We all sat silent.
Ill
MORE ITALIAN OPERA
Geographical considerations made it impossible
for me to be present at the performance of La
Traviata> which opened the Covent Garden sea-
son. I solaced myself by going to hear, on that
very night, another and better opera of Verdi's,
Aida, in a theatre certainly more capacious than
Covent Garden, namely, the Politeamo Florentine,
at Florence. Florence is a city of huge theatres,
which seem to be generally empty, even during
performances, and often on sale. In the majority
of them the weather is little by little getting the bet-
ter of the ceiling; and the multifarious attendants,
young and old, go about their casual vague business
of letting cushions or selling cigars in raiment that
has the rich, storied interest of antiquity. But on
this particular occasion prosperity attended a Flor-
entine theatrical enterprise. I was one of three
thousand or so excited and crowded beings, most of
whom had paid a fair price for admission to hear the
brassiest opera ever composed.
Once I used to condescend to Verdi. That was
in the early nineties, when, at an impressionable
and violent age, I got caught in the first genuine
Wagner craze that attacked this country. We
used to go to the special German seasons at Drury
Lane, as it were to High Mass. And although
154
MORE ITALIAN OPERA 155
Max Alvary and Frau Klafsky would be singing
in Tristan, you might comfortably have put all
the occupants of the upper circle into a Pullman
car. Once a cat walked across the stage during a
solemn moment in the career of Isolde, and nearly
everybody laughed; a few tittered, which was even
more odious. Only a handful, of such as myself,
scowled angrily — not at the cat, which was really
rather fine in the garden, completing it — but at
the infantile unseriousness of these sniggering so-
called Wagnerians. I felt that laughter would
have been very well at a Verdi performance, might
even have enhanced it. Meanwhile, over the way
at Convent Garden, Verdi performances were being
given to the usual full houses. It never occurred
to me to attend them. Verdi was vulgar. I can-
not explain my conviction that Verdi was vulgar,
because I had not heard a single opera of Verdi's,
save his Wagnerian imitations. No doubt it arose
out of the deep human instinct to intensify the
pleasure of admiring one thing by simultaneously
disparaging another thing.
* * <* «*
Then, a long time afterwards, in the compara-
tively calm interval between the first and the second
Wagner crazes, I heard the real Verdi. It was
La Traviata, in a little town in Italy, and it was
the first operatic performance I had attended in
Italy. I adored it, when I was not privately
laughing at it; and there are one or two airs in it,
which I would sit through the whole opera to hear,
if I could not hear them otherwise. (Happily
156 PARIS NIGHTS
they occur in the first act.) Yes, Verdi's name
does not begin with W; but it very nearly does. I
stuck him up at once a little lower than the angels,
and I have never pulled him down. It is certain,
however, that La Traviata at any rate cannot
live, unless as a comic opera. I personally did not
laugh aloud, because the English are seldom cruel in
a theatre; but the tragical parts are undoubtedly
very funny indeed, funnier even than the tragical
parts of the exquisitely absurd play, La Dame aux
Camelias, upon which the opera is founded.
When La Traviata was first produced, about
fifty-five years ago, in Venice, its unconscious hu-
mour brought about an absolute, a disastrous fail-
ure. The performance ended amid roars of laugh-
ter. Unhappily the enormous proportions of Sig-
nora Donatelli, who sang Violetta, aided the fiasco.
When the doctor announced that this lady was in
an advanced stage of consumption and had but a
few hours to live, Harry Lauder himself could not
have had a greater success of hilarity with the mob.
Italians are like that. They may be devoted to
music — though there are reasons for doubting it —
but as opera-goers and concert-goers they are a
godless crew. An Englishman would have laughed
at Violetta's unconsumptive waist, but he would
have laughed in the street, or the next morning.
The English have reverence, and when they go to
the opera, they go to hear the opera.
^ «* «* *
When Italians go to the opera, they are appar-
ently out for a lark, and they have some of the
MORE ITALIAN OPERA 157
qualities of the Roman multitude enjoying wild
beasts in the amphitheatre. I think I have never
been to an operatic performance in Italy without
acutely noticing this. When I went to hear
Aida, the colossal interior of the Politeamo
Fiorentino had the very look of an amphitheatre,
with its row of heads and hats stretching away
smaller and smaller into a haze. There were no-
tices about appealing to the gentleness of the
public not to smoke. But do you suppose the pub-
lic did not smoke? Especially considering that the
management thoughtfully offered cigars, ciga-
rettes, and matches for sale ! In a very large assem-
blage of tightly-packed people, unauthorised
noises are bound to occur from time to time. Now,
an Italian audience will never leave an unauthor-
ised noise alone. If a chair creaks, or a glass on
the bar tinkles, an Italian audience will hiss sav-
agely and loudly for several seconds — which seem
like several minutes. Not in the hope of stopping
the noise, for the noise has stopped! Not because
it wishes not to miss a note of the music, for it
misses about twenty-five per cent, of the notes
through its own fugal hissing! But from simple,
truculent savagery! It cares naught for the sus-
ceptibilities of the artists. Whether a singer is in
the midst of a tender pianissimo, or the band is
blaring its best, if an Italian audience hears a noise,
however innocent, it will multiply that noise by a
hundred. Yet the individual politeness of the
Italian people is perfectly delightful.
Further: In the middle of the performance a
158 PARIS NIGHTS
shabby gentleman came on to the stage and begged
indulgence for an artist who was "gravely indis-
posed." The audience received him with cynical
laughter; he made a gesture of cynical resignation
and departed. The artist received no indulgence.
The artist was silly enough to hold on powerfully
to a high note at the end of a long solo; and that
solo had to be given again — and let there be no
mistake about it! — despite the protests of a minor-
ity against such insistence. The Latin tempera-
ment! If you sing in opera in Italy, your career
may be unremunerative, but it will be exciting.
You may be deified, or you may be half-killed.
But be assured that the audience is sincere, as sin-
cere as a tiger.
* 4 41 4
Composers also must beware. When Pasini's
new opera, Don Quixote, was produced lately, it
had a glorious run of two performances. It was,
indeed, received with execration. After the second
night the leading newspaper appeared with a few
brief, barbed remarks: "The season of the Teatro
Verdi is ended. It would have been better if it had
never started. . . . The maestro Pasini has
written an opera which may be very pleasing — to
deaf mutes." Yet Don Quixote was not worse
than many other operas which people pay to see.
Imagine these manners in unmusical England.
France is less crude, but not always very much
less crude. The most musical city in France is
Toulouse. An extraordinary number of singers,
composers, and poets seem to be born in Toulouse.
MORE ITALIAN OPERA 159
But the debuts of an operatic artist at the Toulouse
municipal opera are among the most dangerous and
terrible experiences that can fall to a singer. The
audience is merciless, and recks not of youth nor
sex. If it is not satisfied, it expresses its opinion
frankly, and for the more frank and effective ex-
pression of its opinion it goes to the performance
suitably provided with decayed vegetables.
And I am told that Marseilles candour is carried
even further. As for Naples — .
Perhaps, after all, our admirable politeness and
the solemnity of our attitude towards the whole
subject of opera merely prove that Continental na-
tions are right in regarding us as fundamentally
unmusical. With us opera is a cultivated exotic.
In Italy, what does it matter if you ruin a com-
poser's career, or even kill a young soprano who has
not reached your standard! There are quantities
of composers and sopranos all over Italy. You
can see them active in the very streets. You can't
keep them down. We say Miss , the English
soprano, in startled accents of pride. Italians don't
say Signorina -, the Italian soprano. In Italy
you get a new opera about once a month. The last
English grand opera that held the English stage
was Artaxeroces, and it is so long ago that not one
person in a hundred who reads these lines will be
able to give the name of the composer. Can any
nation be musical which does not listen chiefly to
its own music?
THE RIVIERA— 1907
I
THE HOTEL TRISTE
Because I am a light and uneasy sleeper I can
hear, at a quarter to six every morning, the distant
subterranean sound of a peculiarly energetic bell.
It rings for about one minute, and it is a signal at
which They quit their drowsy beds. And all along
the Riviera coast, from Toulon to San Remo, in
the misty and chill dawn, They are doing the same
thing, beginning the great daily conspiracy to per-
suade me, and those like me, that we are really the
Sultan, and that our previous life has been a dream.
I sink back into slumber and hear the monotonous
roar of the tideless Mediterranean in my sleep.
The Mediterranean, too, is in the conspiracy. It is
extremely inconvenient and annoying to have to go
running about after a sea which wanders across half
a mile of beach twice a day; appreciating this, and
knowing the violent objection of sultans to any sort
of trouble, the Mediterranean dispenses with a tide ;
at any hour it may be found tirelessly washing
the same stone. After an interval of time, during
which a quarter to six in the morning has receded
to the middle of the night, I wake up wide, and in-
stantly, in Whitman's phrase,
I know I am august.
I put my hand through the mosquito curtains and
touch an electrical contrivance placed there for my
163
164 PARIS NIGHTS
benefit, and immediately there appears before me a
woman neatly clothed to delight my eye, and I gaze
out at her through my mosquito curtains. She
wishes me "Good morning" in my own language,
in order to save the trouble of unnecessary compre-
hension, and if I had happened to be Italian,
French, or German she could still greet me in my
own language, because she has been taught to do
so in order to save me trouble. She takes my com-
mands for the morning, and then I notice that the
sun has thoughtfully got round to my window and
is casting a respectful beam or two on my hyacin-
thine locks. In the vast palace the sultans are aris-
ing, and I catch the rumour thereof. Presently,
with various and intricate aid, I have laved the im-
perial limbs and assumed the robes of state. The
window is opened for me, and I pass out on to the
balcony and languidly applaud the Mediterranean,
like a king diverting himself for half an hour at
the opera. It is a great sight, me applauding the
Mediterranean as I drink a cup of tea; stockbrok-
ers clapping the dinner-band at the Trocadero
would be nothing to it. After this I do an un-
monarchical act, an act of which I ought to be
ashamed, and which I keep a profound secret from
the other sultans in the vast palace — I earn my
living by sheer hard labour.
Then I descend to the banqueting-hall, and no
sooner do I appear than I am surrounded by min-
ions in black, an extraordinary race of persons.
At different hours I see these mysterious minions
in black, and sometimes I observe them surrepti-
THE HOTEL TRISTE 165
tiously. They have no names. They never eat,
never drink, never smile, never love, never do any-
thing except offer me prepared meats with respect-
ful complacency. Their god is my stomach, and
they have made up their minds that it must be ap-
peased with frequent burnt sacrifices and libations.
They watch my glance as mariners the sky, and the
slightest hint sends them flying. At the conclu-
sion of the ceremony they usher me out of the hall
with obeisances into other halls and other deferen-
tial silences.
«7* <5^ c^* e5*
And when the entire rite has been repeated twice
we recline on sofas, I and the other sultans, and
spend the final hours of the imperial day in being
sad and silent together. We are sad because we
are sultans. It is in the nature of things that sul-
tans should be sad; it is not the cares of state which
make us sad, but merely a high imperial instinct
for the correct. Silence is, of course, a necessity
to sultans, and for this reason the activity of the im-
mense palace is conducted solely in hushed tones.
The minions in black never raise their dulcet voices
more than half an inch or so. Late at night, as I
pass on my solitary, sad way to the chamber of
sleep, I see them, those mysterious minions with no
names and no passions and no heed for food, still
hovering expectant, still bowing, still silent. And
lastly I retire. I find my couch beautifully laid
out, I cautiously place myself upon it, I savour the
soundless calm of the palace, and I sleep again;
and my closing thought is the thought that I am
166 PARIS NIGHTS
august, and that all the other sultans, in this and all
the other palaces from Toulon to San Remo, are
august.
«* «* «* £
Strange things happen. Once a week a very
strange thing happens. I find an envelope lying
about. It is never given to me openly. I may
discover it propped up against the teapot on my
tea-tray, or on my writing-desk, or sandwiched in
my "post," between a love-letter and a picture post
card. But I invariably do find it; measures are
taken that I shall succeed promptly in finding it.
All the minions pretend that this envelope is a
matter of no importance whatever; I also pretend
the same. Now, the fact is that I simply hate this
envelope; I hate the sight of it; I hate to open it;
I dread its contents. Every week it shocks me. I
carry it about with me in my imperial pocket for
several hours, fighting against the inevitable.
Then at length I dismally yield to a compulsion.
And I wander, by accident on purpose, in the direc-
tion of a little glass-partitioned room, where a ma-
levolent man sits like a spider sits in its web. We
both pretend I am there by chance, but since I am
*n fact there, I may as well — a pure formality!
And a keen listener might hear a golden chink or
the rustle of paper. And then I feel feeble but re-
lieved, as if I had come out of the dentist's. And
I am aware that I am not so excessively august
after all, and that I am in the middle of the Riviera
season, when one must expect, etc., etc., and that
even the scenery was scientifically reduced to fig-
A HUMAN BEING TALKING TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING (Page 167)
THE HOTEL TRISTE 167
ures in that envelope, and that anyhow the Hotel
Triste is the Hotel Triste. (Triste is not its real
name; one of my fellow sultans, who also does the
shameful act in secret, so baptised it in a ribald mo-
ment.)
«* «* # #
The strangest thing of all occurred one night.
I was walking moodily along the convenient marge
of the Mediterranean when I saw a man, a human
being, dressed in a check suit and a bowler hat,
talking to another human being dressed in a blouse
and a skirt. I passed them. The man was smil-
ing, and chattering loudly and rapidly and even
passionately to the soul within the blouse. Soon
they parted, with proofs of affection, and the man
strode away and overtook and left me behind.
You could have knocked me down with a feather
when I perceived he was one of the mysterious
nameless minions who I thought always wore
mourning and never ate, drank, smiled, or loved.
"Fellow wanderer in the Infinite," I addressed his
back as soon as I had recovered, "What are your
opinions upon life and death and love, and the ad-
visability of being august?"
II
WAR!
We were in the billiard-room — English men and
women collected from various parts of the earth,
and enjoying that state of intimacy which is some-
how produced by the comfortable click of billiard
balls. It is extraordinary what pretty things the
balls say of a night in the billiard-room of a good
hotel. They say: "You are very good-natured and
jolly people. Click. Women spoil the play, but
it's nice to have them here. Click. And so well-
dressed and smiling and feminine! Click. Click.
Cigars are good and digestion is good. Click.
How correct and refined and broad-minded you all
are! All's right with the world. Click." A
stockbroker sat near me by the fire. My previous
experience of stockbrokers had led me to suppose
that all stockbrokers were pursy, middle-aged, hard-
breathers, thick-fingered, with a sure taste in wines,
steaks, and musical comedies. But this one was
very different — except perhaps on the point of
musical comedies. He was quite young, quite thin,
quite simple. In fact, he was what is known as an
English gentleman. He frankly enjoyed showing
young ladies aged twenty-three how to make a
loser off the red, and talking about waltzes, travel,
and sport. He never said anything original, and
168
WAR! 169
so never surprised one nor made one feel uncom-
fortable. He was extremely amiable, and we all
liked him. The sole fact about the Stock Exchange
which I gleamed from him was that the Stock Ex-
change comprised many bounders, and "you had to
be civil to 'em, too."
"You've heard the news?" I said to him.
"About Japan?" he asked. No, he had not heard.
It took the English papers two days to reach us,
and, of course, for the English there are no news-
papers but English newspapers. There was a first-
class local daily; with a complete service of foreign
news, and a hundred thousand readers ; but I do not
believe that one English person in ten even knew
of its existence. So I took the local daily out of
my pocket, and translated to him the Russian note
informing the Powers that ambassadors were pack-
ing up. "Looks rather bad!" he murmured. I
could have jumped up and slain him on the
spot with the jigger, for every English person in
that hotel every night for three weeks past had ex-
claimed on glancing at the "Times": "Looks bad!"
And here this amiable young stockbroker, with war
practically broken out, was saying it again! I am
perfectly convinced that everyone said this, and this
only, because no one had any ideas beyond it.
There had appeared some masterly articles in the
"Times" on the Manchurian question. But nobody
read them: I am sure of that. No one had even a
passable notion of Far Eastern geography, and no
one could have explained, lucidly or otherwise, the
170 PARIS NIGHTS
origin of the gigantic altercation. How strange it
is that the causes of war never excite interest!
(What was the cause of the Franco- German war,
you who are omniscient?)
In response to another question, the young
stockbroker said that his particular market would
be seriously affected. "I should like to be there,"
[on the Exchange], he remarked, and added
dreamily: "It would be rather fun." Then we be-
gan a four-handed game, a game whose stupidities
were atoned for by the charming gestures of
women. And the stockbroker found himself in
enormous form. The stone of the Russian Note
had sunk into the placid lake and not a ripple was
left. Nothing but billiards had existed since the
beginning of the world, or ever would exist. Noth-
ing, I reflected, will rouse the average sensible man
to an imaginative conception of what a war is, not
even the descriptions of a Stephen Crane. Nay,
not even income tax at fifteen pence in the pound!
«* «* £ #
The next morning I went out for a solitary walk
by the coast road. And I had not gone a mile be-
fore I came to an unkempt building, with
a few officials lounging in front of it. 'Trench
Custom House" was painted across its pale face.
Then the road began to climb up among the outly-
ing spurs of the Maritime Alps. It went higher
and higher till it was cut out of the solid rock.
Half a mile further, and there was another French
Custom House. Still further, where the rock be-
came crags, and the crags beetled above and beetled
WAR! 171
below, there occurred a profound gorge, and from
the stone bridge which spanned it one could see, and
faintly hear, a thin torrent rushing to the sea per-
haps a couple of hundred feet below. Immediately
to the west of this bridge the surface of the crags
had been chiselled smooth, and on the expanse had
been pictured a large black triangle with a white
border — about twelve feet across. And under the
triangle was a common little milestone arrange-
ment, smaller than many English milestones, and
on one side of the milestone was painted "France"
and on the other "Italia." This was the division be-
tween the two greatest Latin countries; across this
imaginary line had been waged the bloodless but
disastrous tariff war of ten years ago. I was in
France; a step, and I was in Italy! And it is on
account of similar imaginary, artificial, and uncon-
vincing lines, one here, one there — they straggle
over the whole earth's crust — that most wars, mili-
tary, naval, and financial, take place.
* # t* *
Across the gorge was a high, brown tenement,
and towards the tenement strutted an Italian sol-
dier in the full, impossible panoply of war. He
carried two rifles, a mile or so of braid, gilt enough
to gild the dome of St. Paul's and Heaven knows
what contrivances besides. And he was smoking
a cigarette out of a long holder. Two young girls,
aged perhaps six or eight, bounded out of the slat-
ternly tenement, and began to chatter to him in a
high infantile treble. The formidable warrior
smiled affectionately, and bending down, offered
172 PARIS NIGHTS
them a few paternal words; they were evidently
spoiled little things. Close by a vendor of picture
post cards had set up shop on a stone wall. Far be-
low, the Mediterranean was stretched out like a
blue cloth without a crease in it, and a brig in full
sail was crawling across the offing. The sun shone
brilliantly. Roses in perfect bloom had escaped
from gardens and hung free over hedges. Every-
thing was steeped in a tremendous and impressive
calm — a calm at once pastoral and marine, and the
calm of obdurate mountains that no plough would
ever conquer. And breaking against this mighty
calm was the high, thin chatter of the little girls,
with their quick and beautiful movements of child-
hood.
And as I watched the ragged little girls, and fol-
lowed the brig on the flat and peaceful sea, and
sniffed the wonderful air, and was impregnated by
the spirit of the incomparable coast and the morning
hour, something overcame me, some new perception
of the universality of humanity. (It was the little
girls that did it.) And I thought intensely how
absurd, how artificial, how grotesque, how acci-
dental, how inessential, was all that rigmarole of
boundaries and limits and frontiers. It seemed to
me incredible, then, that people could go to war
about such matters. The peace, the natural univer-
sal peace, seemed so profound and so inherent in
the secret essence of things, that it could not be
broken. And at the very moment, though I knew
it not, while the brig was slipping by, and the little
WAR ! 173
girls were imposing upon the good-nature of their
terrible father, and the hawker was arranging his
trumpery, pathetic post cards, they were killing
each other — Russia and Japan were — in a row
about "spheres of influence."
Ill
"MONTE"
Monte Carlo — the initiated call it merely
"Monte" — has often been described, in fiction and
out of it, but the frank confession of a ruined gam-
bler is a rare thing; partly because the ruined gam-
bler can't often write well enough to express himself
accurately, partly because he isn't in the mood for
literary composition, and partly because he is some-
times dead. So, since I am not dead, and since it
is only by means of literary composition that I can
hope to restore my shattered fortunes, I will give
you the frank confession of a ruined gambler. Be-
fore I went to Monte Carlo I had all the usual ideas
of the average sensible man about gambling in gen-
eral, and about Monte Carlo in particular.
"Where does all the exterior brilliance of Monte
Carlo come from?" I asked sagely. And I said
further: "The Casino administration does not dis-
guise the fact that it makes a profit of about 50,000
francs a day. Where does that profit come from?"
And I answered my own question with wonderful
wisdom: "Out of the pockets of the foolish gam-
blers." I specially despised the gambler who gam-
bles "on a system"; I despised him as a creature of
superstition. For the "system" gambler will argue
that if I toss a penny up six times and it falls
174
cf^^jjk
GAMBLING AT MONTE CARLO (Page
"MONTE" 175
"tail" every time, there is a strong probability that
it will fall "head" the seventh time. "Now," I said,
"can any rational creature be so foolish as to sup-
pose that the six previous and done-with spins can
possibly affect the seventh spin? What connec-
tion is there between them?" And I replied: "No
rational creature can be so foolish. And there is
no connection." In this spirit, superior, omnis-
cient, I went to Monte Carlo.
Of course, I went to study human nature and find
material. The sole advantage of being a novelist
is that when you are discovered in a place where, as
a serious person, you would prefer not to be discov-
ered, you can always aver that you are studying
human nature and seeking material. I was much
impressed by the fact of my being in Monte Carlo.
I said to myself: "I am actually in Monte Carlo!"
I was proud. And when I got into the gorgeous
gaming saloons, amid that throng at once glitter-
ing and shabby, I said: "I am actually in the gam-
ing saloons!" And the thought at the back of my
mind was: "Henceforth I shall be able to say that
I have been in the gaming saloons at Monte Carlo."
After studying human nature at large, I began to
study it at a roulette table. I had gambled before
— notably with impassive Arab chiefs in that singu-
lar oasis of the Sahara desert, Biskra — but only a
little, and always at petits chevaux. But I under-
stood roulette, and I knew several "systems." I
found the human nature very interesting; also the
roulette. The sight of real gold, silver, and notes
flung about in heaps warmed my imagination. At
176 PARIS NIGHTS
this point I felt a solitary five-franc piece in my
pocket. And then the red turned up three times
running, and I remembered a simple "system" that
began after a sequence of three.
s* j* * £
I don't know how it was, but long before I had
formally decided to gamble I knew by instinct that
I should stake that five-franc piece. I fought
against the idea, but I couldn't take my hand empty
out of my pocket. Then at last (the whole experi-
ence occupying perhaps ten seconds) I drew forth
the five-franc piece and bashfully put it on black.
I thought that all the fifty or sixty persons crowded
round the table were staring at me and thinking to
themselves: "There's a beginner!" However,
black won, and the croupier pushed another five-
franc piece alongside of mine, and I picked them
both up very smartly, remembering all the tales I
had ever heard of thieves leaning over you at Monte
Carlo and snatching your ill-gotten gains. I then
thought: "This is a bit of all right. Just for fun
I'll continue the system." I did so. In an hour I
had made fifty francs, without breaking into gold.
Once a croupier made a slip and was raking in red
stakes when red had won, and people hesitated (be-
cause croupiers never make mistakes, you know,
and you have to be careful how you quarrel with the
table at Monte Carlo), and I was the first to give
vent to a protest, and the croupier looked at me and
smiled and apologised, and the winners looked at
me gratefully, and I began to think myself the
deuce and all of a Monte Carlo habitue.
"MONTE"
Having made fifty francs, I decided that I
would prove my self-control by ceasing to play.
So I did prove it, and went to have tea in the Ca-
sino cafe. In those moments fifty francs seemed to
me to be a really enormous sum. I was as happy as
though I had shot a reviewer without being found
out. I gradually began to perceive, too, that
though no rational creature could suppose that a
spin could be affected by previous spins, neverthe-
less, it undoubtedly was so affected. I began to
scorn a little the average sensible man who scorned
the gambler. "There is more in roulette than is
dreamt of in your philosophy, my conceited friend,"
I murmured. I was like a woman — I couldn't
argue, but I knew infallibly. Then it suddenly
occurred to me that if I had gambled with louis in-
stead of five-franc pieces I should have made 200
francs — 200 francs in rather over an hour! Oh,
luxury! Oh, being-in-the-swim! Oh, smartness!
Oh, gilded and delicious sin!
* # * *
Five days afterwards I went to Monte Carlo
again, to lunch with some brother authors. In the
meantime, though I had been chained to my desk
by unalterable engagements, I had thought con-
stantly upon the art and craft of gambling. One
of these authors knew Monte Carlo, and all that
therein is, as I know Fleet Street. And to my
equal astonishment and pleasure he said, when I
explained my system to him: "Couldn't have a bet-
ter!" And he proceeded to remark positively that
the man who had a decent system and the nerve to
178 PARIS NIGHTS
stick to it through all crises, would infallibly win
from the tables — not a lot, but an average of sev-
eral louis per sitting of two hours. "Gambling,"
he said, "is a matter of character. You have the
right character," he added. You may guess
whether I did not glow with joyous pride. "The
tables make their money from the plunging fools,"
I said, privately, "and I am not a fool." A man
was pointed out to me who extracted a regular in-
come from the tables. "But why don't the author-
ities forbid him the rooms?" I demanded, "Be-
cause he's such a good advertisement. Can't you
see?" I saw.
We went to the Casino late after lunch. I cut
myself adrift from the rest of the party and began
instantly to play. In forty-five minutes, with my
"system," I had made forty-five francs. And then
the rest of the party reappeared and talked about
tea, and trains, and dinner. "Tea!" I murmured
disgusted (yet I have a profound passion for tea),
"when I am netting a franc a minute!" However,
I yielded, and we went and had tea at the Restau-
rant de Paris across the way. And over the white-
and-silver of the tea-table, in the falling twilight,
with the incomparable mountain landscape in front
of us, and the most chic and decadent Parisianism
around us, we talked roulette. Then the Russian
Grand Duke who had won several thousand
pounds in a few minutes a week or two before, came
veritably and ducally in, and sat at the next table.
There was no mistaking his likeness to the Tsar.
It is most extraordinary how the propinquity of a
"MONTE" 179
Grand Duke, experienced for the first time, affects
even the proverbial phlegm of a British novelist.
I seemed to be moving in a perfect atmosphere of
Grand Dukes! And I, too, had won! The art of
literature seemed a very little thing.
«* £ £ £
After I had made fifty and forty-five francs
at two sittings, I developed suddenly, without vis-
iting the tables again, into a complete and thorough
gambler. I picked up all the technical terms like
picking up marbles — the greater martingale, the
lesser martingale, "en plein," "a cheval," "the horses
of seventeen," "last square," and so on, and so on —
and I had my own original theories about the al-
leged superiority of red-or-black to odd-or-even in
betting on the even chances. In short, for many
hours I lived roulette. I ate roulette for dinner,
drank it in my Vichy, and smoked it in my cigar.
At first I pretended that I was only pretending to
be interested in gambling as a means of earning a
livelihood (call it honest or dishonest, as you
please) . Then the average sensible man in me be-
gan to have rather a bad time, really. I frankly
acknowledged to myself that I was veritably keen
on the thing. I said: "Of course, ordinary people
believe that the tables must win, but we who are
initiated know better. All you want in order to
win is a prudent system and great force of char-
acter." And I decided that it would be idle, that
it would be falsely modest, that it would be inane,
to deny that I had exceptional force of character.
And beautiful schemes formed themselves in my
180 PARIS NIGHTS
mind: how I would gain a certain sum, and then
increase my "units" from five-franc pieces to louis,
and so quadruple the winnings, and how I would
get a friend to practise the same system, and so
double them again, and how generally we would
have a quietly merry time at the expense of the
tables during the next month.
And I was so calm, cool, collected, impassive.
There was no hurry. I would not go to Monte
Carlo the next day, but perhaps the day after.
However, the next day proved to be very wet, and
I was alone and idle, my friends being otherwise
engaged, and hence I was simply obliged to go to
Monte Carlo. I didn't wish to go, but what could
one do? Before starting, I reflected: "Well, there's
just a chance — such things have been known," and
I took a substantial part of my financial resources
out of my pocket-book, and locked that reserve up
in a drawer. After this, who will dare to say that I
was not cool and sagacious? The journey to Monte
Carlo seemed very long. Just as I was entering
the ornate portals I met some friends who had seen
me there the previous day. The thought flashed
through my mind: "These people will think I have
got caught in the meshes of the vice just like ordi-
nary idiots, whereas, of course my case is not or-
dinary at all." So I quickly explained to them that
it was very wet (as if they couldn't see), and that
my other friends had left me, and that I had come
to Monte Carlo merely to kill time. They ap-
peared to regard this explanation as unnecessary.
"MONTE" 181
I had a fancy for the table where I had previously
played and won. I went to it, and by extraordi-
nary good fortune secured a chair — a difficult thing
to get in the afternoons. Behold me seated next
door to a croupier, side by side with regular fre-
quenters, regular practisers of systems, and doubt-
less envied by the outer ring of players and specta-
tors ! I was annoyed to find that every other occu-
pant of a chair had a little printed card in black and
red on which he merked the winning numbers. I
had neglected to provide myself with this contriv-
ance, and I felt conspicuous; I felt that I was not
correct. However, I changed some gold for silver
with the croupier, and laid the noble pieces in little
piles in front of me, arid looked as knowing and as
initiated as I could. And at the first opening of-
fered by the play I began the operation of my sys-
tem, backing red, after black had won three times.
Black won the fourth time, and I had lost five
francs. . . . Black won the sixth time and I had lost
thirty-five francs. Black won the seventh time, and
I had lost seventy-five francs. "Steady, cool cus-
tomer!" I addressed myself. I put down four louis
(and kindly remember that in these hard times
four louis is four louis — three English pounds and
four English shillings), and, incredible to relate,
black won the eighth time, and I had lost a hundred
and fifty-five francs. The time occupied was a
mere nine minutes. It was at this point that the
"nerve" and the "force of character" were required,
for it was an essential part of my system to "cut the
loss" at the eighth turn. I said: "Hadn't I better
182 PARIS NIGHTS
put down eight louis and win all back again, just
this once? Red's absolutely certain to win next
time." But my confounded force of character came
in, and forced me to cut the loss, and stick strictly
to the system. And at the ninth spin red did win.
If I had only put down that eight louis I should
have been all right. I was extremely annoyed,
especially when I realised that, even with decent
luck, it would take me the best part of three hours
to regain that hundred and fifty-five francs.
«* £ £ «5«
I was shaken. I was like a pugilist who had
been knocked down in a prize fight, and hasn't quite
made up his mind whether, on the whole, he won't
be more comfortable, in the long run, where he is.
I was like a soldier under a heavy fire, arguing with
himself rapidly whether he prefers to be a Balaclava
hero with death or the workhouse, or just a plain,
ordinary, prudent Tommy. I was struck amid-
ships. Then an American person behind my chair,
just a casual foolish plunger, of the class out of
which the Casino makes its profits, put a thousand
franc note on the odd numbers, and thirty-three
turned up. "A thousand for a thousand," said the
croupier mechanically and nonchalantly, and handed
to the foolish plunger the equivalent of eighty
pounds sterling. And about two minutes after-
wards the same foolish plunger made a hundred and
sixty pounds at another single stroke. It was
odious; I tell you positively it was odious. I col-
lected the shattered bits of my character out of my
boots, and recommenced my system; made a bit;
"MONTE" 183
felt better ; and then zero turned up twice — most un-
settling, even when zero means only that your stake
is "held over." Then two old and fussy ladies came
and gambled very seriously over my head, and de-
ranged my hair with the end of the rake in raking
up their miserable winnings. . . . At five o'clock
I had lost a hundred and ninety-five francs. I
don't mind working hard, at great nervous tension,
in a vitiated atmosphere, if I can reckon on netting
a franc a minute; but I have a sort of objection
to three laborious sittings such as I endured
that week when the grand result is a dead loss of
four pounds. I somehow failed to see the
point. I departed in disgust, and ordered tea at
the Cafe de Paris, not the Restaurant de Paris (I
was in no mood for Grand Dukes). And while I
imbibed the tea, a heated altercation went on inside
me between the average sensible man and the man
who knew that money could be made out of the
tables and that gambling was a question of nerves,
etc. It was a pretty show, that altercation. In
about ten rounds the average sensible man had
knocked his opponent right out of the ring. I
breathed a long breath, and seemed to wake up out
of a nightmare. Did I regret the episode? I re-
gretted the ruin, not the episode. For had I not all
the time been studying human nature and getting
material? Besides that, as I grow older I grow
too wise. Says Montaigne: "Wlsdome hath hir ex-
cesses, and no leise need of moderation, then follie"
(The italics are Montaigne's) . . . And there's
a good deal in my system after all.
IV
A DIVERSION AT SAN REMO
The Royal Hotel, San Remo, has the reputation
of being the best hotel, and the most expensive, on
the Italian Riviera. It is the abode of correctness
and wealth, and if a stray novelist or so is discov-
ered there, that is only an accident. It provides
distractions of all kinds for its guests: bands of
music, conjuring shows, dances; and that week it
provided quite a new thing in the way of distraction,
namely, an address from Prebendary Carlile, head
of the Church Army, which was quite truthfully
described as a "national antidote to indiscriminate
charity." We looked forward to that address; it
was a novelty. And if we of the Royal Hotel had
a fault, our fault was a tendency, after we had paid
our hotel bills, to indiscriminate charity. Indis-
criminate charity salves the conscience just
as well as the other kind, and though it
costs as much in money, it costs less in
trouble. However, we liked to be castigated for
our sins, and, in the absence of Father Vaughan, we
anticipated with pleasure Mr. Carlile. We did
not all go. None of the representatives of ten dif-
ferent Continental aristocracies and plutocracies
went. Nor did any young and beautiful persons of
any nation go. As a fact, it was a lovely afternoon.
184
SAN REMO 185
To atone for these defections, the solid respectabil-
ity of all San Remo swarmed into the hotel. (A no-
tice had been posted that it might order its carriages
for 3.30.) We made an unprepossessing assem-
blage. I am far removed from the first blush of
youth; but I believe I was almost the youngest per-
son present, save a boy who had been meanly
"pressed" by his white-haired father. We were
chiefly old, stout, plain, and of dissatisfied visage.
Many of us had never been married, and never
would be. We were prepared to be very grave.
But the mischief was that Mr. Carlile would not be
grave.
Mr. Carlile looked like a retired colonel who had
dressed by mistake in clerical raiment. His hue
was ruddy, his eye clear, and his moustache mar-
tial. He is of a naturally cheerful disposition. It
is impossible not to like him, not to admire him, not
to respect him. It really requires considerable self-
restraint, after he has been speaking for a few min-
utes, not to pelt him with sovereigns for the prose-
cution of his work. Still, appreciation of humour
was scarcely our strong point. We could not laugh
without severe effort. We were unaccustomed to
laugh. It is no use pretending that we were not a
serious conclave (we were not basking in the sun,
nor dashing across the country in our Fiat cars ; we
had the interests of the Empire at heart) . There-
fore, though we took the Prebendary's humorous de-
nunciation of our indiscriminate charity with fairly
good grace, we should have preferred it with a little
less facetiousness. People burdened as we were
186 PARIS NIGHTS
with the responsibilities of Empire ought not to be
expected to laugh. As protectionists, we were not,
if the truth is to be told, in a mood for gaiety.
Hence we did not laugh; we hardly smiled. We
just listened soberly to the Prebendary, who, after
he had told us what we ought not to do, told us
what we ought to do.
^ 4 «* «*
"What we try to do," he said, "is to bridge the
gulf — to bridge the gulf between the East End
and the West End. We don't want your money,
we want your help, we want each of you to take up
one person and look after him. That is the only
way to bridge the gulf." He kept on emphasising
the phrase "bridge the gulf"; and to illustrate it, he
mentioned a Christmas pudding that was sent from
a Royal palace to his "Pudding Sunday" orgy la-
belled for "the poorest and loneliest widow." "We
soon found her," he said. "She worked from 8.30
A.M. to 6:30 P.M. and again two hours at night,
sewing buttons, and in a good week she earned six
shillings. Her right hand was all distorted by rheu-
matism, so that to sew gave her great pain. We
found her, and we pushed her upstairs, with great
difficulty — because she was so bad with bronchitis —
and she had her pudding. Someone insisted on giv-
ing her Is. a week for life, and someone else insisted
on giving her 2s. a week for life, so now she's a
blooming millionaire. Give us money, if you like,
but please don't give us any more money for
her. . . ." "There's another class of women,"
continued the Prebendary, "the drunkards.
SAN REMO 187
Drunkenness is growing among women owing to
the evil of grocers' licences. We should like some
of you to take up a drunken woman apiece and look
after her. We can easily find you a nice, gentle
creature, to whom getting drunk is no more than
getting cross is to us. Very nice women are drunk-
ards, and they can be reclaimed by bridging the
gulf. Then there's the hooligans — you have them
on the Riviera, too. I've had a good deal of expe-
rience of them myself. I was once picked up for
dead near the Army and Navy Stores after meeting
a hooligan. Only the other day a man put his fist
in my face and said: 'You've ruined our trade.'
'What trade? The begging trade?' I said, 'I wish
I had.' And then the discharged prisoners. We
off er five months' work to any discharged prisoner
who cares .to take it; there are 200,000 every year.
I was talking to a prison official the other day, who
told me that 90 per cent, of his 'cases' he sent to us.
We reclaim about half of these. The other half
break our hearts. One broke all our windows not
long since . . ."
And the Prebendary said also: "My greatest
pleasure is a day, a whole day, in a thoroughly bad
slum. I went down to Wigan for such a day, and
at a meeting, when I asked whether anyone would
come forward and speak up for beer, not for Christ,
a man came along and threw three pence at my feet
— -remains of pawning his waistcoat — and then fell
down dead drunk. We picked him up, and I
charged a helper with 6d., so that he could be filled
up with tea or coffee beyond his capacity to drink
188 PARIS NIGHTS
any more beer at all. I don't know whether it was
the beer or the tea, but he joined us. All due to
emotion, or excitement, perhaps! Yes, but the next
morning I was going out to the 7.30 prayer-meet-
ing and I came across a Wigan collier dead drunk
in the road. I tried to pick him up. I had my sur-
plice on: I always wear my surplice, for the adver-
tisement, and because people like to see it. And I
couldn't pick him up. I was carrying my trombone
in one hand. Then another man came along, and
we couldn't get that drunkard up between us. And
then who should come along but my reclaimed
drunkard of the night before! He managed it."
And the Prebendary further said: "Come some
day and have lunch with me. It will take you two
hours. You ought to chop ten bundles of fire-
wood, but I'll let you off that. Or come and have
tea. That will take four hours. There's a Starva-
tion Supper to end it at 8.30, and something going
on all the time. We have a brass band, thirty play-
ers, all very bad. I'm the worst, with my trom-
bone. We also have a women's concertina band.
It's terrible. But it goes down. As one man said,
'It mykes me 'ead ache, but it do do me 'eart good.' "
# # # «*
Then Lord Dundonald proposed a vote of thanks
to everybody who deserved to be thanked. He in-
dicated that we ought to help Mr. Carlile, just to
show our repentance for having allowed the people
free access to public-houses for several centuries.
(Faint applause. ) Unless we prevented the people
from getting at beer and unless we prevented aliens
SAN REMO 189
from entering England — (Loud applause) — Mr.
Carlile's efforts would not succeed. If we stopped
the supply of beer and of aliens then the principal
steps [towards Utopia?] would have been accom-
plished. This simple and comprehensible method
of straightening out the social system appealed to
us very strongly. I think we preferred it to
"bridging the gulf." At the back of our minds was
the idea that if we lent our motor-cars or our hus-
bands' or brothers' motor-cars to the right candi-
dates at election time we should be doing all that
was necessary to ensure the millennium. Upon this
we departed. In the glow of the meeting the
scheme of attaching ourselves each to a nice, gentle
drunken woman seemed attractive; but really, on
reflection . . . ! There was a plate at the door.
However, Mr. Carlile had himself said, "I don't de-
pend much on the plate at the door."
FONTAINEBLEAU— 1904-1909
FIRST JOURNEY INTO THE FOREST
Just to show how strange, mysterious, and ro-
mantic life is, I will relate to you in a faithful nar-
rative a few of my experiences the other day — it was
a common Saturday. Some people may say that
my experiences were after all quite ordinary expe-
riences. After all, they were not. I was staying
in a little house, unfamiliar to me, and beyond a
radius of a few hundred yards I knew nothing of
my surroundings, for I had arrived by train, and
slept in the train. I felt that if I wandered far
from that little house I should step into the un-
known and the surprising. Even in the house I
had to speak a foreign tongue; the bells rang in
French. During the morning I walked about
alone, not daring to go beyond the influence of the
little house; I might have been a fly wandering
within the small circle of lamplight on a tablecloth;
all about me lay vast undiscovered spaces. Then
after lunch a curious machine came by itself up to
the door of the little house. I daresay you have
seen these machines. You sit over something mys-
terious, with something still more mysterious in
front of you. A singular liquid is poured into a
tank; one drop explodes at a spark, and the explo-
sion pushes the machine infinitesimally forward,
193
194 PARIS NIGHTS
another drop explodes and pushes the machine in-
finitesimally forward, and so on, and so on, and
quicker and quicker, till you can outstrip
trains. Such is the explanation given to me.
I have a difficulty in believing it, but it seems to
find general acceptance. However, the machine
came up to the door of the little house, and took us
off, four of us, all by itself; and after twisting about
several lanes for a couple of minutes it ran us into
a forest. I had somehow known all the time that
that little house was on the edge of a great forest.
<* «* £ *
Without being informed, I knew that it was a
great forest, because against the first trees there was
a large board which said "General Instructions for
reading the signposts in the forest," and then a lot
of details. No forest that was not a great forest, a
mazy forest, and a dangerous forest to get lost in,
would have had a notice board like that. As a
matter of fact the forest was fifty miles in circum-
ference. We plunged into it, further and further,
exploding our way at the rate of twenty or thirty
miles an hour, along a superb road which had a be-
ginning and no end. Sometimes we saw a solitary
horseman caracoling by the roadside; sometimes we
passed a team of horses slowly dragging a dead
tree; sometimes we heard the sound of the wood-
man's saw in the distance. Once or twice we de-
tected a cloud of dust on the horizon of the road, and
it came nearer and nearer, and proved to be a ma-
chine like ours, speeding on some mysterious errand
in the forest. And as we progressed we looked at
INTO THE FOREST 195
each other, and noticed that we were getting whiter
and whiter — not merely our faces, but even our
clothes. And for an extraordinary time we saw
nothing but the road running away from under
our wheels, and on either side trees, trees, trees —
the beech, the oak, the hornbeam, the birch, the pine
— interminable and impenetrable millions of them,
prodigious in size, and holding strange glooms in
the net of their leafless branches. And at inter-
vals we passed cross-roads, disclosing glimpses, come
and gone in a second, of other immense avenues of
the same trees. And then, quite startlingly, quite
without notice, we were out of the forest; it was
just as if we were in a train and had come out of a
tunnel.
And we had fallen into the midst of a very little
village, sleeping on the edge of the forest, and
watched over by a very large cathedral. Most of
the cathedral had ceased to exist, including one side
of the dizzy tower, but enough was left to instil awe.
A butcher came with great keys (why a butcher, if
the world is so commonplace as people make out?),
and we entered the cathedral; and though outside
the sun was hot, the interior of the vast fane was ice-
cold, chilling the bones. And the cathedral was
full of realistic statues of the Virgin, such as could
only have been allowed to survive in an ice-cold
cathedral on the edge of a magic forest. And then
we climbed a dark corkscrew staircase for about an
hour, and came out (as startlingly as we had come
out of the forest) on the brink of a precipice two
hundred feet deep. There was no rail. One little
196 PARIS NIGHTS
step, and that night our ghosts would have begun
to haunt the remoter glades of the forest. The
butcher laughed, and leaned over ; perhaps he could
do this with impunity because he was dressed in
blue; I don't know.
* 4* jl 4
Soon afterwards the curious untiring machine had
swept us into the forest again. And now the for-
est became more and more sinister, and beautiful
with a dreadful beauty. Great processions of
mighty and tremendous rocks straggled over hill-
ocks, and made chasms and promontories, and lairs
for tigers — tigers that burn bright in the night.
But the road was always smooth, and it seemed non-
chalant towards all these wonders. And presently
it took us safely out of the forest once again. And
this time we were in a town, a town that by some
mistake of chronology had got into the wrong cen-
tury ; the mistake was a very gross one indeed. For
this town had a fort with dungeons and things, and
a moat all round it, and the quaintest streets and
bridges and roofs and river and craft. And pro-
cessions in charge of nuns were walking to and fro
in the grass grown streets. And not only were the
houses and shops quaint in the highest degree, but
the shopkeepers also were all quaint. A grey-
headed tailor dressed in black stood at the door of
his shop, and his figure offered such a quaint spec-
tacle that one of my friends and myself exclaimed
at the same instant: "How Balzacian!" And we
began to talk about Balzac's great novel "Ursule
Mirouet." It was as if that novel had come into
HOW BALZACIAN ! (Page 198)
INTO THE FOREST 197
actuality, and we were in the middle of it. Every-
thing was Balzacian; those who have read Balzac's
provincial stories will realise what that means.
Yet we were able to buy modern cakes at a con-
fectioner's. And we ordered tea, and sat at a table
on the pavement in front of an antique inn. And
close by us the landlady sat on a chair, and sewed,
and watched us. I ventured into the great Bal-
zacian kitchen of the inn, all rafters and copper
pans, and found a pretty girl boiling water for our
tea in one pan and milk for our tea in another pan.
I told her it was wrong to boil the milk, but I could
see she did not believe me. We were on the edge
of the forest.
«* «* ^ £
And then the machine had carried us back into
the forest. And this time we could see that it
meant business. For it had chosen a road mightier
than the others, and a road more determined to pene-
trate the very heart of the forest. We travelled
many miles with scarcely a curve, until there were
more trees behind us than a thousand men could
count in a thousand years. And then — you know
what happened next. At least you ought to be able
to guess. We came to a castle. In the centre of
all forests there is an enchanted castle, and there
was an enchanted castle in the centre of this forest.
And as the forest was vast, so was the castle vast.
And as the forest was beautiful, so was the castle
beautiful. It was a sleeping castle; the night of
history had overtaken it. We entered its portals by
a magnificent double staircase, and there was one
198 PARIS NIGHTS
watchman there, like a lizard, under the great door-
way. He showed us the wonders of the castle, con-
ducting us through an endless series of noble and
splendid interiors, furnished to the last detail of
luxury, but silent, unpeopled, and forlorn. Only
the clocks were alive. "There are sixty-eight clocks
in the castle." (And ever since I have thought of
those sixty-eight clocks ticking away there, with
ten miles of trees on every side of them.) And the
interiors grew still more imposing. And at length
we arrived at an immense apartment whose gor-
geous and yet restrained magnificence drew from us
audible murmurs of admiration. Prominent among
the furniture was a great bed, hung with green and
gold, and a glittering cradle; at the head of the
cradle was poised a gold angel bearing a crown.
Said the sleepy watchman: "Bed-chamber of Na-
poleon, with cradle of the King of Rome." This
was the secret of the forest.
ON THE TERRACE OF THE CASTLE
II
SECOND JOURNEY INTO THE FOREST
We glided swiftly into the forest as into a tun-
nel. But after a while could be seen a silvered lane
of stars overhead, a ceiling to the invisible double
wall of trees. There were these stars, the rush of
tonic wind in our faces, and the glare of the low-
hung lanterns on the road that raced to meet us.
The car swerved twice in its flight, the second time
violently. We understood that there had been dan-
ger. As the engine stopped, a great cross loomed
up above us, intercepting certain rays; it stood in
the middle of the road, which, dividing, enveloped
its base, as the current of a river strokes an island.
The doctor leaned over from the driving-seat and
peered behind. In avoiding the cross he had mis-
taken for part of the macadam an expanse of dust
which rain and wind had caked ; and on this treach-
ery the wheels had skidded. ffCa aurait pu etre
une sale liistoire!" he said briefly and drily. In the
pause we pictured ourselves flung against the cross,
dead or dying. I noticed that other roads joined
ours at the cross, and that a large grassy space, cir-
cular, separated us from the trees. As soon as we
had recovered a little from the disconcerting glimpse
of the next world, the doctor got down and re-
started the engine, and our road began to race f or-
199
200 PARIS NIGHTS
ward to us again, under the narrow ceiling of stars.
After monotonous miles, during which I pondered
upon eternity, nature, the meaning of life, the pre-
cariousness of my earthly situation, and the incipient
hole in my boot-sole — all the common night-thoughts
— we passed by a high obelisk (the primitive phal-
lic symbol succeeding to the other) , and turning to
the right, followed an obscure gas-lit street of walls
relieved by sculptured porticoes. Then came the
vast and sombre courtyard of a vague palace,
screened from us by a grille; we overtook a tram-
car, a long, glazed box of electric light; and then
we were suddenly in a bright and living town. We
descended upon the terrace of a calm cafe, in front
of which were ranged twin red-blossomed trees in
green tubs, and a waiter in a large white apron and
a tiny black jacket.
«* ,* «* ,*
The lights of the town lit the earth to an eleva-
tion of about fifteen feet; above that was the prim-
eval and mysterious darkness, hiding even the house-
tops. Within the planes of radiance people moved
to and fro, appearing and disappearing on their
secret errands; and glittering tramcars continually
threaded the Square, attended by blue sparks. A
monumental bull occupied a pedestal in the centre
of the Square; parts of its body were lustrous, others
intensely black, according to the incidence of the
lights. My friends said it was the bull of Rosa
Bonheur, the Amazon. Pointing to a dark void
beyond the flanks of the bull, they said, too, that
the palace was there, and spoke of the Council-
I
\
GUARDS OF THE CASTLE (Paye 198)
INTO THE FOREST 201
Chamber of Napoleon, the cradle of the King of
Rome, the boudoir of Marie Antoinette. I had to
summon my faith in order to realise that I was in
Fontainebleau, which hitherto had been to me chiefly
a romantic name. In the deep and half-fearful
pleasure of realisation — -"This also has happened to
me P — I was aware of the thrill which has shaken me
on many similar occasions, each however unique : as
when I first stepped on a foreign shore ; when I first
saw the Alps, the Pyrenees ; when I first strolled on
the grand boulevards ; when I first staked a coin at
Monte Carlo ; when I walked over the French fron-
tier and read on a thing like a mile-post the sacred
name "Italia"; and, most marvellous, when I stood
alone in the Sahara and saw the vermilions and
ochres of the Aures Mountains. This thrill, ever
returning, is the reward of a perfect ingenuousness.
£ # # «*
I was shown a map, and as I studied it, the
strangeness of the town's situation seduced me more
than the thought of its history. For the town, with
its lights, cars, cafes, shops, halls, palaces, theatres,
hotels, and sponging-houses, was lost in the midst of
the great forest. Impossible to enter it, or to leave
it, without winding through those dark woods ! On
the map I could trace all the roads, a dozen like
ours, converging on the town. I had a vision of
them, palely stretching through the interminable
and sinister labyrinth of unquiet trees, and gradu-
ally reaching the humanity of the town. And I had
a vision of the recesses of the forest, where the deer
wandered or couched. All around, on the rim of
202 PARIS NIGHTS
the forest, were significant names: the Moret and
the Grez and the Franchard of Stevenson; Bar-
bizon; the Nemours of Balzac; Larchant. Nor did
I forget the forest scene of George Moore's "Mil-
dred Lawson."
After we had sat half an hour in front of glasses,
we rushed back through the forest to the house on its
confines whence we had come. The fascination of
the town did not cease to draw me until, years later,
I yielded and went definitely to live in it.
Ill
THE CASTLE GARDENS
On the night of the Feast of Saint Louis the
gardens of the palace are not locked as on other
nights. The gardens are within the park, and the
park is within the forest. I walked on that hot, clear
night amid the parterres of flowers; and across
shining water, over the regular tops of clipped trees,
I saw the long fa9ades and the courts of the palace:
pale walls of stone surmounted by steep slated roofs,
and high red chimneys cut out against the glittering
sky. An architecture whose character is set by the
exaggerated slope of its immense roofs, which dwarf
the walls they should only protect! All the interest
of the style is in these eventful roofs, chequered
continually by the facings of upright dormers,
pierced by little ovals, and continually interrupted
by the perpendicularity of huge chimneys. The
palace seems to live chiefly in its roof, and to be top-
heavy. It is a forest of brick chimneys growing out
of stone. Millions upon millions of red bricks had
been raised and piled in elegant forms solely that
the smoke of fires below might escape above the roof
ridge : fires which in theory heated rooms, but which
had never heated aught but their own chimneys : in-
efficient and beautiful chimneys of picturesque, in-
effectual hearths! Tin pipes and cowls, such as
203
2p4 PARIS NIGHTS
sprout thickly on the roofs of Paris and London,
would have been cheaper and better. (It is al-
ways thus to practical matters that my mind runs. )
In these monstrous and innumerable chimneys one
saw eccentricity causing an absurd expense of
means for a trifling end: sure mask of a debased
style !
# # # *
With malicious sadness I reflected that in most
of those chimneys smoke would never ascend again.
I thought of the hundreds of rooms, designed before
architects understood the art of planning, crowded
with gilt and mahogany furniture, smothered in
hangings, tapestries, and carpets, sparkling with
crystal whose cold gaiety is reflected in the polish of
oak floors! And not a room but conjures up the
splendour of the monarchs and the misery of the
people of France! Not an object that is associated
with the real welfare of the folk, the makers of the
country ! A museum now — the palace, the gardens,
and the f ountained vistas of lake and canal — or shall
I not say a mausoleum? — whose title to fame, in the
esteem of the open-mouthed, is that here Napoleon,
the supreme scourge of families and costly spreader
of ruin, wrote an illegible abdication. The docu-
ment of abdication, which is, after all, only a fac-
simile, and the greedy carp in the lake — these two
phenomena divide the eyes of the open-mouthed.
And not all the starers that come from the quarters
of the world are more than sufficient to dot very
sparsely the interminable polished floors and the
great spaces of the gardens. The fantastic monu-
i VJ^J£W^£^
*L. ^ -r^ x-i, L*SfQ ^, >
^^uM>J '
. 1^*2;^
^ i-
THE CASTLE GARDENS (Page 203)
THE CASTLE GARDENS 205
ment is preserved ostensibly as one of the glories of
France! (Gloire, thou art French! Fontaine-
bleau, Pasteur, the Eiffel Tower, Victor Hugo, the
Paris-Lyons-Mediterranean Railway— each has
been termed a gloire of France!) But the true
reason of the monument's preservation is that it is
too big to destroy. The later age has not the force
nor the courage to raze it and parcel it and sell it,
and give to the poor. It is a defiance to the later
age of the age departed. Like a gigantic idol, it
is kept gilded and tidy at terrific expense by a cult
which tempers fear with disdain.
IV
AN ITINERARY
I have lived for years in the forest of Fontaine-
bleau, the largest forest in France, and one of the
classic forests — I suppose — of the world. Not in
a charcoal-burner's hut, nor in a cave, but in a town ;
for the united towns of Avon and Fontainebleau
happen to be in the forest itself, and you cannot
either enter or quit them without passing through
the forest ; thus it happens that, while inhabiting the
recesses of a forest you can enjoy all the graces and
conveniences of an imperial city (Fontainebleau is
nothing if not Napoleonic) , even to cafes chantants,
cinematograph theatres, and expensive fruiterers.
I tramp daily, and often twice daily, in this forest,
seldom reaching its edge, unless I do my tramping
on a bicycle, and it is probably this familiarity with
its fastnesses and this unf amiliarity with its periph-
ery as a continuous whole that has given me what I
believe to be a new idea for a tramping excursion:
namely, a circuit of the forest of Fontainebleau. It
is an enterprise which might take two days or two
months. I may never accomplish it myself, but it
ought to be accomplished by somebody, and I can
guarantee its exceeding diversity and interest. The
forest is surrounded by a ring of towns, townships,
and villages of the most varied character. I think I
AN ITINERARY 207
know every one of them, having arrived somehow
at each of them by following radii from the centre.
I propose to put down some un-Baedekerish but
practical notes on each place, for the use and bene-
fit of the tramper who has the wisdom to pursue my
suggestion.
£ £ £ £
One must begin with Moret. Moret is the show-
place on the edge of the forest, and perhaps the old-
est. I assisted some years ago at the celebration
of its thousandth anniversary. It is only forty-
three miles from Paris, on the main line of the Paris-
Lyons-Mediterranean railway, an important junc-
tion ; two hundred and fifty trains a day pass through
the station. And yet it is one of the deadest places
I ever had tea in. It lies low, on the banks of the
Loing, about a mile above the confluence of the
Seine and the Loing. It is dirty, not very healthy,
and exceedingly picturesque. Its bridge, church,
gates and donjon have been painted and sketched
by millions of artists, professional and amateur. It
appears several times in each year's Salon. This
is its curse — the same curse as that of Bruges : it is
overrun by amateur artists. I am an amateur ar-
tist myself; in summer I am not to be seen abroad
without a sketching-stool, a portfolio, and a water-
bottle in my hip pocket. But I hate, loathe and de-
spise other amateur artists. Nothing would induce
me to make one of the group of earnest dabbers and
scratchers by the bridge at Moret. When I attack
Nature, I must be alone, or, if another artist is to
be there, he must be a certified professional. I
208 PARIS NIGHTS
have nothing else to say against Moret. There are
several hotels, all mediocre.
A more amusing and bracing place than Moret is
its suburb St. Mammes, the port at the afore-men-
tioned confluence, magnificently situated, and al-
ways brightened by the traffic of barges, tugs, and
other craft. There is an hotel and a pension. The
Seine is a great and noble stream here, and abso-
lutely unused by pleasure-craft. I do not know
why. I once made a canoe and navigated the Ama-
zonian flood, but the contrivance was too frail.
Tugs would come rushing down, causing waves
twelve inches high at least, and I was afraid, espe-
cially as I had had the temerity to put a sail to
the canoe.
# # * $
The tramper should cross the Seine here, and go
through Champagne, a horrible town erected by the
Creusot Steel Company — called, quite seriously, a
"garden city." He then crosses the river again to
Thomery — the grape town. The finest table
grapes in France are grown at Thomery.
Vines flourish in public on both sides of
most streets, and public opinion is so powerful
(on this one point) that the fruit is never stolen.
Thomery's lesser neighbour, By, is equally vinous.
These large villages offer very interesting studies in
the results of specialisation. Hotels and pensions
exist.
From Thomery, going in a general direction
north by west, it is necessary to penetrate a little
AN ITINERARY 209
into the forest, as the Seine is its boundary here,
and there is no practical towing-path on the forest
side of the river. You come down to the river at
Valvins Bridge, and, following the left bank, you
arrive at the little village of Les Platreries, which
consists of about six houses and an hotel where the
food is excellent and whose garden rises steeply
straight into the forest. A mile farther on is the
large village of Samois, also on the Seine. Lower
Samois is too pretty — as pretty as a Christmas
card. It is much frequented in summer; its hotel
accommodation is inferior and expensive, and its
reputation for strictly conventional propriety is
scarcely excessive. However, a picturesque spot!
Climb the very abrupt stony high street, and you
come to Upper Samois, which is less sophisticated.
From Samois (unless you choose to ferry across
to Fericy and reach Melun by Fontaine-le-Port)
you must cut through an arm of the forest to Bois-
le-Roi. You are now getting toward the northern
and less interesting extremity of the forest. Bois-
le-Roi looks a perfect dream of a place from the
station. But it is no such thing. It is residential.
It is even respectably residential. All trains ex-
cept the big expresses stop at Bois-le-Roi, which
fact is a proof that the residents exert secret influ-
ences upon the railway directors, and that there-
fore they are the kind of resident whose notion of
architecture is merely distressing. You can stay
at Bois-le-Roi and live therein comfortably, but
there is no reason why you should.
210 PARIS NIGHTS
The next place is Melun, which lies just to the
north of the forest. It is the county town. It is
noted for its brewery. It is well situated on a curve
of the Seine, and it is more provincial (in the stodgy
sense) and more ineffably tedious even than Moret.
It possesses neither monuments nor charm. Yet
the distant view of it — say from the height above
Fontaine-le-Port, is ravishing at morn.
From Melun you face about and strike due south,
again cutting through a bit of the forest, to Chailly-
en-Biere. (All the villages about here are "en
biere") Chailly is just a nice plain average forest-
edge village, and that is why I like it. I doubt if
you could sleep there with advantage. But if you
travel with your own tea, you might have excellent
tea there.
The next village is Barbizon, the most renowned
place in all the Fontainebleau region; a name full
of romantic associations. It is utterly vulgarised,
like Stratford-on-Avon. "Les Charmettes" has
become a fashionable hotel with a private theatre
and an orchestra during dinner. What would
Rousseau, Daubigny and Millet say if they could
see it now? Curiosity shops, art exhibitions, and a
very large cafe! An appalling light railway, and
all over everything the sticky slime of sophistication!
Walking about the lanes you have glimpses of su-
perb studio interiors, furnished doubtless by War-
ing or Lazard. Indeed Barbizon has now become
naught but a target for the staring eyes of tourists
from Arizona, and a place of abode for persons
whose mentality leads them to believe that the at-
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AN ITINERARY 211
mosphere of this village is favourable to high-class
painting.
All the country round about here is exquisite. I
have seen purple mornings in the fields nearly as
good as any that Millet ever painted. A lane west-
ward should be followed so that other nice average
villages, St. Martin-en-Biere and Fleury-en-Biere
can be seen. At Fleury there is a glorious castle,
partly falling to ruin, and partly in process of res-
toration. Thence, south-easterly, to Arbonne.
«* «* «* #
Arbonne is only a few miles from Barbizon, and I
fancy that it resembles what Barbizon used to be be-
fore Barbizon was discovered by London and New
York. It is a long, straggling place, with one im-
possible and one quite possible hotel. As a field
of action for the tramping painter I should say
that it is unsurpassed in the department. From
Arbonne you must cross another arm of the
forest, and pass from the department of Seine-et-
Marne to that of Seine-et-Oise, to the market town
of Milly. From Milly onwards the human interest
is less than the landscape interest until you come to
Chapelle-la-Reine ; from there you are soon at
Larchant, whose ruined cathedral is one of the lead-
ing attractions of the forest edge.
You are now within the sphere of Nemours.
From Larchant to Nemours the only agreeable
method of locomotion is by aeroplane. The high
road is straight and level, and, owing to heavy traf-
fic caused by quarries, atrociously bad. It reaches
the acme of boredom. Its one merit is its brevity,
212 PARIS NIGHTS
about five miles. Nemours is a fine Balzacian
town, on the Loing, with a picturesque canal in the
heart of it, a frowning castle, a goodish church and
bridge, a good hotel and delightful suburbs.
«* «* 4 *
At Nemours, cross the river, and keep to the high
road which follows the Loing canal through Episy
back to Moret. Or, in the alternative, refrain from
crossing the river, and take the Paris high road,
leaving it to the left at Bourron, and so reach Moret
through Marlotte and Montigny. Marlotte and
Montigny are Parisian villages in July, August,
and September, new, artistic, snobbish; in winter
they are quite tolerable. Montigny is ' 'pictur-
esquely situated" on the Loing, and Marlotte has a
huge hotel. The road thence on the rim of the for-
est back to Moret is delightful.
I do not know how many miles you will have done
— anything from sixty to a hundred and twenty
probably — when you arrive for the second time in
Moret. But you must find strength to struggle on-
wards from Moret to Fontainebleau itself, about
seven miles off in the forest. Fontainebleau con-
tains one of the dearest hotels in the world. Ask
for it, and go somewhere else.
n^ -
: CATHEDRAL OF LARCHANT (Page 211)
SWITZERLAND— 1909-191 1
THE HOTEL ON THE LANDSCAPE
I do not mean the picturesque and gabled con-
struction which on our own country-side has been
restored to prosperity, though not to efficiency, by
Americans travelling with money and motor-cars.
I mean the uncompromising grand hotel — Majestic,
Palace, Metropole, Royal, Splendide, Victoria,
Belle Vue, Ritz, Savoy, Windsor, Continental, and
supereminently Grand — which was perhaps first in-
vented and compiled in Northumberland Avenue,
and has now spread with its thousand windows and
balconies over the entire world. I mean the hotel
which is invariably referred to in daily newspapers
as a "huge modern caravanserai." This hotel cannot
be judged in a town. In a town, unless it possesses
a river-front or a sea-esplanade, the eye never gets
higher than its second storey, and as a spectacle the
hotel resolves itself usually into a row of shops (for
the sale of uselessness), with a large square hole in
the middle manned by laced officials who die after a
career devoted exclusively to the opening and shut-
ting of glazed double- doors.
To be fairly judged, the grand hotel must be seen
alone on a landscape as vast as itself. The best
country in which to see it is therefore Switzerland.
True, the Riviera i§ regularly fringed with grand
215
216 PARIS NIGHTS
hotels from Toulon to the other side of San Remo;
but there they are so closely packed as to interfere
with each other's impressiveness, and as a rule they
are at too low an altitude. In Switzerland they
occur in all conceivable and inconceivable situations.
The official guide of the Swiss Society of Hotel
Keepers gives us photographs of over eight hundred
grand hotels, and it is by no means complete; in
fact, some of the grandest consider themselves
too grand to be in it, pictorially. Just as
Germany is the land of pundits and aniline dyes,
France of re/volutions, England of beautiful women,
and Scotland of sixpences, so is Switzerland the
land of huge modern caravanserais.
You may put Snowdon on the top of Ben Nevis
and climb up the height of the total by the aid of
railways, funiculars, racks and pinions, diligences
and sledges; and when nothing but your own feet
will take you any farther, you will see, in Switzer-
land, a grand hotel, magically and incredibly raised
aloft in the mountains; solitary — no town, no
houses, nothing but this hotel hemmed in on all
sides by snowy crags, and made impregnable by
precipices and treacherous snow and ice. I always
imagine that at the next great re-drawing of the
map of Europe, when the lesser nationalities are
to disappear, the Switzers will take armed refuge in
their farthest grand hotels, and there defy the man-
dates of the Concert. For the hotel, no matter how
remote it be, lacks nothing that is mentioned in the
dictionary of comfort. Beyond its walls your life
is not worth twelve hours' purchase. You would
THE HOTEL 217
not die of hunger, because you would perish of cold.
At best you might hit on some peasant's cottage in
which the standards of existence had not changed
for a century. But once pass within the portals of
the grand hotel, and you become the spoiled darling
of an intricate organisation that laughts at moun-
tains, avalanches, and frost. You are surrounded
by luxuries surpassing even the luxuries offered by
the huge modern caravanserais of London. (For
example, I believe that no London caravanserai
was, until quite lately, steam-heated throughout.)
You have the temperature of the- South, or of the
North, by turning a handle, and the light of suns
at midnight. You have the restaurants of Picca-
dilly and the tea-rooms of St. James's Street. You
eat to the music of wild artistes in red uniforms.
You are amused by conjurers, bridge-drives, and
cotillons. You can read the periodical literature
of the world while reclining on upholstery from the
most expensive houses in Tottenham Court Road
and Oxford Street. You have a post-office, a tele-
graph-office, and a telephone; pianos, pianolas, and
musical-boxes. You go up to bed in a lift, arid
come down again to lunch in one. You need only
ring a bell, and a specially trained man in clothes
more glittering than yours will answer you softly
in any language you please, and do anything you
want except carry you bodily. . . . And on
the other side of a pane of glass is the white peak,
the virgin glacier, twenty degrees of frost, starva-
tion, death — and Nature as obdurate as she was ten
thousand years ago. Within the grand hotel civili-
218 P.ARIS NIGHTS
sation is so powerful that it governs the very colour
of your necktie of an evening. Without it, cut off
from it, in those mountains you would be fighting
your fellows for existence according to the codes of
primitive humanity. Put your nose against the
dark window, after dinner, while the band is sooth-
ing your digestion with a waltz, and in the distance
you may see a greenish light. It is a star. And a
little below it you may see a yellow light glimmer-
ing, It is another grand hotel, by day generally in-
visible, another eyrie de luxe.
You go home and calmly say that you have been
staying at the Grand Hotel Blank. But does it
ever occur to you to wonder how it was all done?
Does it ever occur to you that orchestras, lamp-
shades, fresh eggs, fresh fish, vanilla ices, cham-
pagne, and cut flowers do not grow on snow-
wreathed crags? You have not been staying in a
hotel, but in a miracle of seven storeys. In the
sub-basement lie the wines. In the basement
women are for ever washing linen and men for ever
cooking. On the ground-floor all is eating and
drinking and rhythm. Then come five storeys of
slumber; and above that the attics where the tips
are divided.
In judging the hotel on the landscape, you must
thus imaginatively realise what it is and what it
means.
* «* # #
The eye needs to be trained before it can look
seeingly at a grand hotel and disengage its beauty
from the mists and distortions which prejudice has
THE HOTEL 219
created. This age (like any other age, for the mat-
ter of that) has so little confidence in itself that it
cannot believe that it has created anything beauti-
ful. It is incapable of conceiving that an insur-
ance office may be beautiful. It is convinced, with
the late Sir William Harcourt, that New Scotland
Yard is a monstrosity. It talks of the cost, not of
the beauty, of the Piccadilly Hotel. No doubt the
Romans, who were nevertheless a sound artistic race
of the second rank, talked of the cost (in slaves) of
their aqueducts, and would have been puzzled could
they have seen us staring at the imperfect remains
of the said aqueducts as interesting works of art.
The notion that a hotel, even the most comfortable,
is anything but a blot on the landscape, has prob-
ably never yet occurred to a single one of the thou-
sands of dilettanti who wander restlessly over the
face of Europe admiring architecture and scenery.
Hotels as visual objects are condemned offhand,
without leave to appeal, unheard, or rather unseen
— I mean really unseen.
For several weeks, once, I passed daily in the vi-
cinity of a huge modern caravanserai, which stood
by itself on a mountain side in Switzerland ; and my
attitude towards that hotel was as abusive and vio-
lent as Ruskin's towards railways. And then one
evening, early, in the middle dusk, I came across it
unexpectedly, when I was not prepared for it: it
took me unawares and suddenly conquered me. I
saw it in the mass, rising in an immense, irregular
rectangle out of a floor of snow and a background
of pines and firs. Its details had vanished. What
220 PARIS NIGHTS
I saw was not a series of parts, but the whole hotel,
as one organism and entity. Only its eight floors
were indicated by illuminated windows, and behind
those windows I seemed to have a mysterious sense
of its lifts continually ascending and descending.
The apparition was impressive, poetic, almost over-
whelming. It was of a piece with the moun-
tains. It had simplicity, severity, grandeur. It
was indubitably and movingly beautiful. My eye
had been opened ; the training had been begun.
I expected, naturally, that the next morning I
should see the hotel again in its original ugliness.
But no! My view of it had been permanently al-
tered. I had glimpsed the secret of the true man-
ner of seeing a grand hotel. A grand hotel must
be seen grandiosely — that is to say, it must be seen
with a large sweep of the eye, and from a distance,
and while the eye is upon its form the brain must
appreciate its moral significance; for the one ex-
plains the other. You do not examine Mont Blanc
or an oil painting by Turner with a microscope, and
you must not look at a grand hotel as you would
look at a marble fountain or a miniature.
Since the crepuscular hour above described, I
have learnt to observe sympathetically the physiog-
nomy of grand hotels, and I have discovered a new
source of aesthetic pleasure. I remember on a
morning in autumn, standing on a suspension
bridge over the Dordogne and gazing at a feudal
castle perched on a pre-feudal crag. I could not
decide whether the feudal castle or the suspension
bridge was the more romantic fact (for I am so con-
THE HOTEL 221
stituted as to see the phenomena of the nineteenth
century with the vision of the twenty-third), but
the feudal castle, silhouetted against the flank of a
great hill that shimmered in the sunshine, had an
extraordinary beauty — moral as well as physical,
possibly more moral than physical. As architec-
ture it could not compare with the Parthenon or
New Scotland Yard. But it was far from ugly,
and it had an exquisite rightness in the landscape.
I understood that it had been put precisely there be-
cause that was the unique place for it. And I un-
derstood that its turrets and windows and roofs and
walls had been constructed precisely as they were
constructed because a whole series of complicated
ends had to be attained which could have been at-
tained in no other way. Here was a simple result
of an unaffected human activity which had endeav-
oured to achieve an honest utilitarian end, and,
while succeeding, had succeeded also in producing
a work of art that gave pleasure to a mind entirely
unfeudal. A feudal castle on a crag as impossible
to climb as to descend is, and always was, exotic,
artificial, and against nature — like every effort of
man! — but it does, and always did, contribute to the
happiness of peoples.
Similarly I remember, on a morning in winter,
standing on a wild country road, gazing at another
castle perched on a pre-feudal crag. But this cas-
tle was about fifteen times as big as the former one,
and the crag had its earthy foot in a lake about a
mile below. The scale of everything was terrific-
ally larger. Still, the two castles, seen at proper-
222 PARIS NIGHTS
tionate distances, bore a strange, disconcerting, re-
semblance the one to the other. The architecture
of the second, as of the first, would not compare with
the Parthenon or New Scotland Yard. But it was
not ugly. And assuredly it had an exquisite right-
ness in the landscape. I understood, far better
than in the former instance, that it had been put
precisely where it was, because no other spot would
have been so suited to its purposes; its geographical
relation to the sun and the lake and the mountains
had been perfectly adjusted. I understood pro-
foundly the meaning of all those rows of windows
and all those balconies facing the south and south-
east. I understood profoundly the intention of the
great glazed box at the base of the castle. I could
read the words that the wreath of smoke from be-
hind the turreted roof was writing on the slate of
the sky, and those words Were "Chauffage central."
From the facades I could construct the plan and ar-
rangement of the interior of the castle. I could
instantly decide which of its two hundred chambers
were the costliest, and which would be the last to be
occupied and the first to be left. I could feel the
valves of its heart rising and falling. Here was
the simple result of an unaffected human activity,
which had endeavoured to achieve an honest utili-
tarian end, and, while succeeding, had succeeded
also in giving pleasure to a mind representative of
the twenty-third century. A grand hotel on a crag
as impossible to climb as to descend is, and always
will be, exotic, artificial, and against nature — like
every effort of man! Why should a man want to
THE HOTEL 223
leave that pancake, England, and reside for weeks
at a time in dizzy altitudes in order to stare at moun-
tains and propel himself over snow and ice by means
of skis, skates, sledges, and other unnatural dodges?
No one knows. But the ultimate sequel, gathered
up and symbolised in the grand hotel, contributes
to the happiness of peoples and gives joy to the eye
that is not afflicted with moral cataract.
And I am under no compulsion to confine my-
self to Switzerland. I do not object to go to the
other extreme and flit to the Sahara. Who that
from afar off in the Algerian desert has seen the
white tower of the Royal Hotel at Biskra, oasis of
a hundred thousand palm-trees and twenty grand
hotels, will deny either its moral or its physical
beauty in that tremendously beautiful landscape?
Conceivably, the judgment against hotel archi-
tecture was fatally biassed in its origin by the hor-
rible libels pictured on hotel notepapers.
«* «* ^ #
In estimating the architecture of hotels, it must
be borne in mind that they constitute the sole genu-
ine contribution made by the modern epoch to the
real history of architecture. The last previous con-
tribution took the shape of railway stations, which,
until the erection of the Lyons and the Orleans sta-
tions in Paris — about seventy years after the birth
of stations — were almost without exception deso-
late failures. It will not be seriously argued, I
suppose, that the first twenty years of grand hotels
have added as much ugliness to the world's stock
of ugliness as the first twenty years of railway sta-
224 PARIS NIGHTS
tions. If there exists a grand hotel as dire fully
squalid as King's Cross Station (palace of an un-
dertaking with a capital of over sixty millions ster-
ling) I should like to see it. Hotel architecture is
the outcome of a new feature in the activity of so-
ciety, and this fact must be taken into account.
When a new grand hotel takes a page of a daily
paper to announce itself as the "last word" of hotels
— -what it means is, roughly, the "first word," as
distinguished from inarticulate babbling.
Of course it is based on strictly utilitarian prin-
ciples— and rightly. Even when the grand hotel
blossoms into rich ornamentation, the aim is not
beauty, but the attracting of clients. And the
practical conditions, the shackles of utility, in which
the architecture of hotels has to evolve, are ex-
tremely severe and galling. In the end this will
probably lead to a finer form of beauty
than would otherwise have been achieved. In
the first place a grand hotel, especially when
it is situated "on the landscape," can have only one
authentic face, and to this face the other three
must be sacrificed. Already many hotels ad-
vertise that every bedroom without exception
looks south, or at any rate looks direct at
whatever prospect the visitors have come to look at.
This means that the hotel must have length without
depth — that it must be a sort of vast wall pierced
with windows. Further, the democratic quality of
the social microcosm of a hotel necessitates an ex-
ternal monotony of detail. In general, all the
rooms on each floor must resemble each other, pos-
THE HOTEL 225
sessing the same advantages. If one has a balcony,
all must have balconies. There must be no sacri-
ficing of the amenities of a room here and there to
demands of variety or balance in the elevation.
Again, the hotel must be relatively lofty — not be-
cause of lack of space, but to facilitate a complex
service. The kitchens of Buckingham Palace may
be a quarter of a mile from the dining-room, and
people will say, "How wonderful!" But if a pot
of tea had to be carried a quarter of a mile in a
grand hotel, from the kitchen to a bedroom, people
would say, "How absurd!" or, "How stewed!"
The "layer" system of architecture is from all
points of view indispensable to the grand hotel, and
its scenic disadvantages must be met by the exercise
of ingenuity. There are other problems confront-
ing the hotel architecture, such as the fitting to-
gether of very large public rooms with very small
private rooms, and the obligation to minimise ex-
ternally a whole vital department of the hotel (the
kitchens, etc.) ; and I conceive that these problems
are perhaps not the least exasperating.
From the utilitarian standpoint the architect of
hotels has unquestionably succeeded. The latest
hotels are admirably planned; and a good plan can-
not result in an elevation entirely bad. One might
say, indeed, that a good plan implies an elevation
good in, at any rate, elementals. Save that bed-
rooms are seldom sound-proof, and that they are
nearly always too long for their breadth (the rea-
son is obvious), not much fault can be found with
the practical features of the newest hotel architec-
226 PARIS NIGHTS
ture. In essential matters hotel architecture is good.
You may dissolve in ecstasy before the fa£ade
of the Chateau de Chambord; but it is certainly the
whited sepulchre of sacrificed comfort, health, and
practicability. There also, but from a different
and a less defensible cause, and to a different and
not a better end, the importance of the main front
rides roughly over numerous other considerations.
In skilful planning no architecture of any period
equals ours; and ours is the architecture of grand
hotels.
The beholder, before abruptly condemning that
uniformity of feature which is the chief character-
istic of the hotel on the landscape, must reflect that
this is the natural outer expression of the spirit and
needs of the hotel, and that it neither can be nor
ought to be disguised. It is of the very essence of
the building. It may be very slightly relieved by
the employment of certain devices of grouping —
as some architects in the United States have shown
— but it must remain patent and paramount; and
the ultimate beauty of more advanced styles will un-
doubtedly spring from it and, in a minor degree,
from the other inner conditions to which I have re-
ferred. And even when the ultimate beauty has
been accomplished the same thing will come to pass
as has always come to pass in the gradual progress
of schools of architecture. The pendulum will
swing too far, and the best critics of those future
days will point to the primitive erections of the
early twentieth century and affirm that there has
been a decadence since then, and that if the virtue of
THE HOTEL 227
architecture is to be maintained inspiration must be
sought by returning to the first models, when men
did not consciously think of beauty, but produced
beauty unawares !
It was ever thus.
The salvation of hotel architecture, up to this
present, is that the grand hotel on the landscape, in
nineteen cases out of twenty, is remuneratively oc-
cupied only during some three or four months in the
year. Which means that the annual interest on
capital expenditure must be earned in that brief
period. Which in turn means that architects have
no money to squander on ornament in an age no-
torious for its bad ornament. If the architect of
the grand hotel were as little disturbed by the ques-
tion of dividends as Francis the First was in creat-
ing his Chambord and other marvels, the conse-
quences might have been offensive even to the sym-
pathetic eye.
Meanwhile, in Switzerland, the hotel architect
may flatter himself that he has suddenly given ar-
chitecture to a country which had none. This is a
highly curious phenomenon. "Next door" to the
grand hotel which so surprised me in the twilight is
another human habitation, fairly representative of
all the non-hotel architecture on the Swiss country-
side. It is quaint, and it would not hurt a fly.
But surely the grand hotel is man's more fitting an-
swer to the challenge of the mountains?
II
HOTEL PROFILES
The Egoist
A little boy, aged about eight, with nearly all his
front teeth gone, came down early for breakfast
this morning while I was having mine. He asked
me where the waiters were, and rang. When one
arrived, the little boy discovered that he could speak
no French. However, the waiter said "Cafe?" and
he said "One"; but he told me that he also wanted
buns. While breakfasting, he said to me that he
had got up early because he was going down into
the town that morning by the Funicular, as his
mother was to buy him his Christmas present, a sil-
ver lever watch. He said : "I hate to be hurried for
anything. Now, at home, I have to go to school, and
I get up early so that I shan't be hurried, but my
breakfast is 'always late; so I have too much time
before breakfast, and nothing to do, and too little
time after breakfast when I've a lot to do." In an-
swer to my question, he said gravely that he was
going into the Navy. He knew the exam, was very
stiff, and that if you failed at a certain age you
were barred out altogether; and he asked me
whether I thought it was better to try the exam,
early with only a little preparation, or to leave it
late with a long preparation. He thought the first
HOTEL PROFILES 229
course was the best, because you could go in again
if you failed. I asked him if he didn't want some
jam. He said no, because the butter was so good,
and if he had jam he wouldn't be able to taste the
butter. He then rang the bell for more milk, and
explained to me that he couldn't drink coffee
strong, and the consequence was that he had a whole
lot of coffee left and no milk to drink it with.
. . . He said he lived in London, and that some
shops down in the town were better than London
shops. By this time a German had descended.
He and I both laughed. But the child stuck to his
point. We asked him: "What shops?" He said
that jerseys and watches were nicer in the town
than in London. In this he was right, and we had
to admit it. As a complete resume, he said that
there were fewer things in the town than in London,
but some of the things were nicer. Then he ex-
plained to the German his early rising, and added
an alternative explanation, namely, that he had been
sent to bed at 6.45, whereas 7.15 was his legal time.
Later in the day I asked him if he would come
down early again to-morrow and have breakfast
with me. He said: "I don't know. I shall see."
There was no pose in this. Simply a perfect pre-
occupation with his own interests and welfare. I
should say he is absolutely egotistic. He always
employs natural, direct methods to get what he
wants and to avoid what he doesn't want.
I met him again a few afternoons later on the
luge-track. He was very solemn. He said he had
decided not to go in for the single-luge race, as it
230 PARIS NIGHTS
all depended on weight. I said: "Put stones in
your pocket. Eat stones for breakfast."
He laughed slightly and uncertainly. "You
can't eat stones for breakfast," he said. "I'm get-
ting on fine at skating. I can turn round on one
leg."
"Do you still fall?" (He was notorious for his
tumbles.)
"Yes."
"How often?"
He reflected. Then: "About twelve times an
hour. ... If I skated all day and all night I
should fall twelve twelves — 144, isn't it?"
I said it would be twenty- four twelves.
"Oh! I see •"
"Two hundred and "
"Eighty-eight," he overtook me quickly. "But
I didn't mean that. I meant all day and all night,
you know — evening. People don't generally skate
all through the night, do they?" Pause. "Six
from 144 — 138, isn't it? I'll say 138, because you'd
have to take half an hour off for dinner, wouldn't
you?"
He became silent, discussing seriously within
himself whether half an hour would suffice for din-
ner, without undue hurrying.
The Bland Wanderer
In the drawing-room to-night an old and soli-
tary, but blandly cheerful, female wanderer re-
counted numerous accidents at St. Moritz: legs
broken in two places, shoulders broken, spines in-
HOTEL PROFILES 231
jured; also deaths. Further, the danger of catch-
ing infectious diseases at St. Moritz. "One very
large hotel, where everybody had influenza," etc.
These recitals seemed to give her calm and serious
pleasure.
"Do you think this place is good for nerves? she
broke out suddenly at me. I told her that in my
opinion a hot bath and a day in bed would make
any place good for nerves. "I mean the nerves of
the body" she said inscrutably. Then she deviated
into a long set description of the historic attack of
Russian influenza which she had had several years
ago, and which had kept her in bed for three months,
since when she had never been the same woman.
And she seemed to savour with placid joy the fact
that she had never since been the same woman.
Then she flew back to St. Moritz and the prices
thereof. She said you could get pretty reasonable
terms, even there, "provided you didn't mind going
high up." Upon my saying that I actually pre-
ferred being high up, she exclaimed: "I don't.
I'm so afraid of fire. I'm always afraid of fire."
She said that she had had two nephews at Cam-
bridge. The second one took rooms at the top of
the highest house in Cambridge, and the landlord
was a drunkard. "My sister didn't seem to care,
but I didn't know what to do! What could I do?
Well, I bought him a non-inflammable rope." She
smiled blandly.
This allusion to death and inebriety prompted a
sprightly young Yorkshirewoman, with the coun-
try gift for yarn-spinning, to tell a tale of some-
232 PARIS NIGHTS
thing that had happened to her cousin, who gave
lessons in domestic economy at a London Board
School. A little girl, absent for two days, was
questioned as to the reason.
"I couldn't come."
"But why not?"
"I was kept . . . Please 'm, my mother's
dead."
"Well, wouldn't you be better here at school?
When did she die?"
"Yesterday. I must go back, please. I only
came to tell you."
"But why?"
"Well, ma'am. She's lying on the table and I
have to watch her."
"Watch her?"
"Yes. Because when father comes home drunk,
he knocks her off, and I have to put her on again."
This narration startled even the bridge-players,
and there were protests of horror. But the philoso-
phic wanderer, who had never been the same woman
since Russian influenza, smiled placidly.
"I knew something really much more awful than
that," she said. "A young woman, well-known to
me, had charge of a creche of thirty infants, and one
day she took it into her head to amuse herself by
changing all their clothes, so that at night they
could not be identified; and many of them never
were identified! She was such a merry girl! I
knew all her brothers and sisters too! She wanted
to go into a sisterhood, and she did, for a month.
But the only thing she did there — well, one day she
HOTEL PROFILES 233
went down into the laundry and taught all the laun-
dry-maids to polka. She was such a merry girl!"
She smiled with extraordinary simplicity.
"In the end," the bland wanderer continued, af-
ter a little pause, "she went to America. America
is such an odd place ! Once I got into a car at Phil-
adelphia that had come from New York. The
conductor showed me my berth. The bed was
warm. I partly undressed and got into it, and
drew the curtain. I was half asleep, when I felt
a hand feeling me over through the curtain. I
called out, and a man's voice said: 'It's all right.
I'm only looking for my stick. I think I must have
left it in the berth' ! Another time a lot of student
girls were in the same car with me. They all got
into their beds — or berths or whatever you call it —
about eight o'clock, wearing fancy jackets, and they
sat up and ate candy. I was walking up and down,
and every time I passed they implored me to have
candy, and then they implored each other to try to
persuade me. They were mostly named Sadie.
At one in the morning they ordered iced drinks
'round. I was obliged to drink with them. They
tired me out, and then made me drink. I don't
know what happened just after that, but I know
that, at five in the morning, they were all sitting up
and eating candy. I've travelled a good deal in
America and it's such an odd place! It was just
the place for that young woman to go to."
Ill
ON A MOUNTAIN
Last week I did a thing which you may call hack-
neyed or unhackneyed, according to your way of
life. To some people an excursion to Hamp-
stead Heath is a unique adventure: to others,
a walk around the summit of Popocatapetl
is all in the year's work. I went to Switzer-
land and spent Easter on the top of a
mountain. At any rate, the mountain was less
hackneyed at that season than Rome or Seville,
where the price of beds rises in proportion as reli-
gious emotion falls. It was Marcus Aurelius An-
toninus who sent me to the mountain. To mention
Marcus Aurelius is almost as clear a sign of priggish
affectation and tenth-rate preciosity as to quote
Omar Khayyam; and I may interject defensively
that I prefer Epictetus, the slave, to Marcus Au-
relius, the neurotic emperor. Still, it was Marcus
Aurelius who sent me to the mountain. He advised
me, in certain circumstances, to climb high and then
look down at human nature.
I did so. My luggage alone cost me four francs
excess in the Funicular.
^ # £ 4
I had before me what I have been told — by others
than the hotel proprietor — is one of the finest pano-
ON A MOUNTAIN 235
ramas in Europe. Across a Calvinistic lake, whose
renown is familiar to the profane chiefly because
Byron wrote a mediocre poem about a castle on its
shores, rose the five-fanged Dent du Midi, twenty-
five miles off, and ten thousand feet towards the
sky; other mountains, worthy companions of the il-
lustrious Tooth, made a tremendous snowy semi-
circle right and left; and I on my mountain
fronted this semi-circle. The weather was perfect.
Down below me, on the edge of the lake, was a
continuous chain of towns, all full and crammed
with the final products of civilisation, miles of them.
There was everything in those towns that a nation
whose destiny it is to satisfy the caprices of the
English thought the English could possibly desire.
Such things as baths, lifts, fish-knives, two-steps
and rag-times, casinos, theatres, rackets, skates, hot-
water bottles, whisky, beef-steaks, churches, chap-
els, cameras, puttees, jig-saws, bridge-markers,
clubs, China tea, phonographs, concert-halls, chari-
table societies, money-changers, hygiene, picture
post cards, even books — -just cheap ones! It was
dizzying to think of the refined complexity of ex-
istence down there. It was impressive to think of
the slow centuries of effort, struggle, discovery and
invention that had gone to the production of that
wondrous civilisation. It was perfectly distract-
ing to think of the innumerable activities, that were
proceeding in all parts of the earth (for you could
have coral from India's coral strand in those towns,
and furs from Labrador, and skates from Birming-
ham) to keep the vast organism in working order.
236 PARIS NIGHTS
And behind the chain of towns ran the railway
line, along which flew the expresses with dining-
cars and fresh flowers on the tables of the dining-
cars, and living drivers on the footplates of the en-
gines, whirling the salt of the earth to and fro,
threading like torpedo-shuttles between far-distant
centres of refinement. And behind the railway line
spread the cultivated fields of these Swiss, who, af-
ter all, in the intervals of passing dishes to stately
guests in hotel-refectories, have a national life of
their own; who indeed have shown more skill and
commonsense in the organisation of posts, hotels,
and military conscription, than any other nation ; so
much so, that one gazes and wonders how on earth
a race so thick-headed and tedious could ever have
done it.
^ # ^ #
I knew that I had all that before me, because I
had been among it all, and had ascended and de-
scended in the lifts, lolled in the casinos and the
trains, and drunk the China tea. But I could not
see it from the top of my mountain. All that I
could see from the top of my mountain was a scat-
tering of dolls' houses, and that scattering consti-
tuted three towns ; with here and there a white cube
overtopping the rest by half an inch, and that white
cube was a grand hotel; and out of the upper face
of the cube a wisp of vapour, and that wisp of va-
pour was the smoke of a furnace that sent hot-
water through miles of plumbing and heated 400
radiators in 400 elegant apartments; and little
stretches of ribbon, and these ribbons were boule-
ON A MOUNTAIN 237
vards bordered with great trees; and a puff of
steam crawling along a fine wire, and that crawling
puff was an international express ; and rectangular
spaces like handkerchiefs fresh from a bad laundry,
and those handkerchiefs were immense fields of
vine ; and a water-beetle on the still surface of the
lake, and that water-beetle was a steamer licensed
to carry 850 persons. And there was silence.
The towns were feverishly living in ten thousand
fashions, and made not a sound. Even the express
breathed softly, like a child in another room.
£ £ £ £
The mountains remained impassive; they were
too indifferent to be even contemptuous. Human-
ity had only soiled their ankles: I could see all
around that with all his jumping man had not
found a perch higher than their ankles. It seemed
to me painfully inept that humanity, having spent
seven years in worming a hole through one of those
mountains, should have filled the newspapers with
the marvels of its hole, and should have fallen into
the habit of calling its hole "the Simplon." The
Simplon — that hole ! It seemed to me that the ex-
cellence of Swiss conscription was merely ridiculous
in its exquisite unimportance. It seemed to me
that I must have been absolutely mad to get myself
excited about the January elections in a trifling isle
called Britain, writing articles and pamphlets and
rude letters, and estranging friends and thinking
myself an earnest warrior in the van of progress.
Land taxes ! I could not look down, or up, and see
land taxes as aught but an infantile invention of
238 PARIS NIGHTS
comic opera. Two Chambers or one! Veto first
or Budget first! Mr. F. E. Smith or Mr. Steel-
Maitland! Ah! The tea-cup and the storm!
The prescription of Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
had "acted."
* £ £ £
It is an exceedingly harmful prescription if
employed long or often. Go to the top of a moun-
tain by all means, but hurry down again quickly.
The top of a mountain, instead of correcting your
perspective, as is generally supported by philoso-
phers for whom human existence is not good
enough, falsifies it. Because it induces self -ag-
grandisement. You draw illusive bigness from the
mountain. You imagine that you are august, but
you are not. If the man below was informed by
telephone that a being august was gazing on him
from above he would probably squint his eyes up-
wards in the sunshine and assert with calmness that
he couldn't even see a living speck on the mountain-
crest. You who have gone up had better come
down. You couldn't remain up twenty-four hours
without the aid of the ant-like evolutions below,
which you grandiosely despise. You couldn't have
got up at all if a procession of those miserable con-
ceited ants had not been up there before you.
The detached philosophic mountain view of the
littleness of things is a delightful and diverting
amusement, and there is perhaps no harm in it so
long as you don't really act on it. If you begin
really to act on it you at once become ridiculous,
and especially ridiculous in the sight of mountains.
ON A MOUNTAIN 239
You commit the fatuity of despising the corporate
toil which has made you what you are, and you
prove nothing except that you have found a rather
specious and glittering excuse for idleness, for cow-
ardice, and for having permitted the stuffing to be
knocked out of you.
When I hear a man say, when I hear myself say:
"I'm sick of politics," I always think: "What you
want is six months in prison, or in a slum, or in a
mine, or in a bakehouse, or in the skin of a woman.
After that, we should see if you were sick of poli-
tics." And when I hear a lot of people together
say that they are sick of politics, then I am quite
sure that politics are more than ever urgently in
need of attention. It is at such moments that a
man has an excellent opportunity of showing that
he is a man.
ENGLAND AGAIN— 1907
THE GATE OF THE EMPIRE
When one comes back to it, after long absence,
one sees exactly the same staring, cold white cliffs
under the same stars. Ministries may have fallen;
the salaries of music-hall artistes may have risen;
Christmas boxes may have become a crime; war
balloons may be in the air; the strange notion may
have sprouted that school children must be fed be-
fore they are taught: but all these things are as
nothing compared to the changeless fact of the
island itself. You in the island are apt to forget
that the sea is eternally beating round about all the
political fuss you make; you are apt to forget that
your 40-h.p. cars are rushing to and fro on a mere
whale's back insecurely anchored in the Atlantic.
You may call the Atlantic by soft, reassuring
names, such as Irish Sea, North Sea, and silver
streak; it remains the Atlantic, very careless of
social progress, very rude.
The ship under the stars swirls shaking over the
starlit waves, and then bumps up against granite
and wood, and amid cries ropes are thrown out,
and so one is lashed to the island. Scarcely any
reasonable harbours in this island! The inhabi-
tants are obliged to throw stones into the sea till
243
244 PARIS NIGHTS
they emerge like a geometrical reef, and vessels
cling hard to the reef. One climbs on to it from
the steamer; it is very long and thin, like a sword,
and between shouting wind and water one precari-
ously balances oneself on it. After some eighty
years of steam, nothing more comfortable than the
reef has yet been achieved. But far out on the
water a black line may be discerned, with the sil-
houettes of cranes and terrific engines. Denied a
natural harbour, the island has at length deter-
mined to have an unnatural harbour at this bleak
and perilous spot. In another ten years or so the
peaceful invader will no longer be compelled to
fight with a real train for standing room on a storm-
swept reef.
* * «* #
And that train! Electric light, corridors, lava-
tories, and general brilliance! Luxuries incon-
ceivable in the past! But, just to prove a robust
conservatism, hot-water bottles remain as the sole
protection against being frozen to death.
"Can I get you a seat, sir?"
It is the guard's tone that is the very essence of
England. You may say he descries a shilling on
the horizon. I don't care. That tone cannot be
heard outside England. It is an honest tone,
cheerful, kindly, the welling-up of a fundamental
good nature. It is a tone which says : "I am a de-
cent fellow, so are you; let us do the best for our-
selves under difficulties." It is far more English
than a beefsteak or a ground-landlord. It touches
the returned exile profoundly, especially at the
GATE OF THE EMPIRE 245
dreadful hour of four A. M. And in replying,
"Yes, please. Second. Not a smoker," one is say-
ing, "Hail! Fellow-islander. You have appal-
ling faults, but for sheer straightness you cannot be
matched elsewhere."
One comes to an oblong aperture on the reef,
something resembling the aperture of a Punch and
Judy show, and not much larger. In this aperture
are a man, many thick cups, several urns, and some
chunks of bread. One struggles up to the man.
"Tea or coffee, sir?"
"Hot milk," one says.
"Hot milk!" he repeats. You have shocked his
Toryism. You have dragged him out of the rut
of tea and coffee, and he does not like it. How-
ever— brave, resourceful fellow! — he pulls himself
together for an immense effort, and gives you hot
milk, and you stand there, in front of the aperture,
under the stars and over the sea and in the blast,
trying to keep the cup upright in a melee of elbows.
This is the gate, and this the hospitality, of the
greatest empire that, etc.
"Can I take this cup to the train?"
"Certainly, sir!" says the Punch and Judy man
genially, as who should say: "God bless my soul!
Aren't you in the country where anyone can choose
the portmanteau that suits him out of a luggage
van?"
Now that is England! In France, Germany,
Italy, there would have been a spacious golden cafe
and all the drinks on earth, but one could never
have got that cup out of the cafe without at least a
246 PARIS NIGHTS
stamped declaration signed by two commissioners
of police and countersigned by a Consul. One
makes a line of milk along the reef, and sits blow-
ing and sipping what is left of the milk in the train.
And when the train is ready to depart one demands
of a porter:
"What am I to do with this cup?"
"Give it to me, sir."
And he planks it down on the platform next a
pillar, and leaves it. And off one goes. The ad-
ventures of that thick mug are a beautiful demon-
stration that the new England contains a lot of the
old. It will ultimately reach the Punch and Judy
show once more (not broken — perhaps cracked) ;
not, however, by rules and regulations; but hig-
gledy-piggledy, by mutual aid and good nature and
good will. Be tranquil; it will regain its counter.
# £ «* £
The fringe of villas, each primly asleep in its
starlit garden, which borders the island and divides
the hopfields from the Atlantic, is much wider
than it used to be. But in the fields time has stood
still. . .. . ... Now, one has left the sea and the
storm and the reef, and already one is forgetting
that the island is an island. . . . Warmth
gradually creeps up from the hot-water bottles to
one's heart and eyes, and sleep comes as the train
scurries into the empire. ... A loud reverber-
ation, and one wakes up in a vast cavern, dimly lit,
and sparsely peopled by a few brass-buttoned be-
ings that have the air of dwarfs under its high, in-
visible roof. They give it a name, and call it
GATE OF THE EMPIRE 247
Charing Cross, and one remembers that, since one
last saw it, it fell down and demolished a theatre.
Everything is shuttered in the cavern. Nothing
to eat or to drink, or to read, but shutters. And
shutters are so cold, and caverns so draughty.
"Where can I get something to eat?" one de-
mands.
"Eat, sir?" A staggered pause, and the porter
looks at one as if one were Oliver Twist. "There's
the hotels, sir," he says, finally.
Yet one has not come by a special, unique train,
unexpected and startling. No! That train knocks
at the inner door of the empire every morning in
every month in every year at the same hour, and
it is always met by shutters. And the empire, by
the fact of its accredited representatives in brass
buttons and socialistic ties, is always taken aback
by the desire of the peaceful invader to eat.
One wanders out into the frozen silence. Gas
lamps patiently burning over acres of beautiful
creosoted wood ! A dead cab or so ! A policeman !
Shutters everywhere: Nothing else. No change
here.
This is the changeless, ineffable Strand at Char-
ing Cross, sacred as the Ganges. One cannot see
a single new building. Yet they say London has
been rebuilt.
The door of the hotel is locked. And the night
watchman opens with the same air of astonishment
as the Punch and Judy man when one asked for
248 PARIS NIGHTS
milk, and the railway porter when one asked for
food. Every morning at that hour the train stops
within fifty yards of the hotel door, and pitches out
into London persons who have been up all night;
and London blandly continues to be amazed at their
arrival. A good English fellow, the watchman —
almost certainly the elder brother of the train-
guard.
"I want a room and some breakfast."
He cautiously relocks the door.
"Yes, sir, as soon as the waiters are down. In
about an hour, sir. I can take you to the lavatory
now, sir, if that will do."
Who said there was a new England?
One sits overlooking the Strand, and tragically
waiting. And presently, in the beginnings of the
dawn, that pathetic, wistful object the first omnibus
of the day rolls along — all by itself — no horses in
front of it! And, after hours, a waiter descends
as bright as a pin from his attic, and asks with a
strong German accent whether one will have tea
or coffee. The empire is waking up, and one is in
the heart of it.
II
AN ESTABLISHMENT
When I returned to England I came across a
terrific establishment. As it may be more or less
novel to you I will attempt to describe it, though
the really right words for describing it do not exist
in the English language. In the first place, it is
a restaurant, where meals are served at almost any
hour — and not meals such as you get in ordinary
restaurants, but sane meals, spread amid flowers
and diaper. Then it is also a creche, where babies
are tended upon scientific principles; nothing that
a baby needs is neglected. Older children are also
looked after, and the whole question of education
is deeply studied, and advice given. Also young
men and women of sixteen or so are started in the
world, and every information concerning careers
is collected and freely given out.
Another branch of the establishment is devoted
to inexpensive but effective dressmaking, and still
another to hats; here you will find the periodical
literature of fashion, and all hints as to shopping.
There is, further, a very efficient department of
mending, highly curious and ingenious, which em-
braces men's clothing. I discovered, too, a horti-
cultural department for the encouragement of flow-
ers, serving secondarily as a branch of the creche
249
250 PARIS NIGHTS
-and nursery. There is a fine art department, where
reproductions of the great masters are to be seen
and meditated upon, and an applied art depart-
ment, full of antiques. Ii must mention the library,
where the latest and the most ancient literatures
fraternise on the same shelves; also the chamber-
music department.
Lastly, a portion of the establishment is simply
nothing but an uncommon lodging-house for trav-
ellers, where electric light, hot water bottles, and
hot baths are not extras. I scarcely expect you to
believe what I say; nevertheless I have exaggerated
in nothing. You would never guess where I en-
countered this extraordinary, this incredible estab-
lishment. It was No. 137 (the final number) in
a perfectly ordinary long street in a residential
suburb of a large town. When I expressed my
surprise to the manager of the place, he looked at
me as if I had come from Timbuctoo. "Why!" he
exclaimed, "there are a hundred and thirty-six es-
tablishments much like mine in this very street!"
He was right; for what I had stumbled into was
just the average cultivated Englishman's home.
«* £ # £
You must look at it as I looked at it in or-
der to perceive what an organisation the thing is.
The Englishman may totter continually on the
edge of his income, but he does get value for his
money. I do not mean the poor man, for he is too
unskilled, and too hampered by lack of capital, to
get value even for what money he has. Nor do I
mean the wealthy man, who usually spends about
AN ESTABLISHMENT 251
five-sixths of his income in acquiring worries and
nuisances. I mean the nice, usual professional or
business islander, who by means of a small oblong
piece of paper, marked £30 or so, once a month,
attempts and accomplishes more than a native of
the mainland would dream of on <£30 a week. The
immense pyramid which that man and his wife
build, wrong side up, on the blowsy head of one do-
mestic servant is a truly astonishing phenomenon,
and its frequency does not impair its extraordi-
nariness.
The mere machinery is tremendously complex.
You lie awake at 6-30 in the uncommon lodging-
house department, and you hear distant noises. It
is the inverted apex of the pyramid starting into
life. You might imagine that she would be in-
tensely preoccupied by the complexity of her du-
ties, and by her responsiblity. Not a bit. Open
her head, and you would find nothing in it but the
vision of a grocer's assistant and a new frock. You
then hear weird bumps and gurgling noises. It is
the hot water running up behind walls to meet you
half-way from the kitchen. You catch the early
vivacity of the creche. A row overhead means that
a young man who has already studied the compara-
tive anatomy of cigars is embarking on life. A
tinkling of cymbals below — it is a young woman
preparing to be attractive to some undiscovered
young man in another street.
& * * £
The Englishman's home is assuredly the most
elaborate organisation for sustaining and reproduc-
252 PARIS NIGHTS
ing life in the world — or at any rate, east of Sandy
Hook. It becomes more and more elaborate, lux-
urious, and efficient. For example, illumination
is not the most important of its activities. Yet,
you will generally find in it four different methods
of illumination — electricity, gas, a few oil lamps
in case of necessity, and candles stuck about. Only
yesterday, as it seems, human fancy had not got
beyond candles. Much the same with cookery.
Even at a simple refection like afternoon tea you
may well have jam boiled over gas, cake baked in
the range, and tea kept hot by alcohol or electricity.
I am not old, but I have known housewives who
would neither eat nor offer to a guest, bread which
they had not baked. They drew water from their
own wells. And the idea of a public laundry would
have horrified them. And before that generation
there existed a generation which spun and wove at
home. To-day the English household is dependent
on cooperative methods for light, heat, much food,
and several sorts of cleanliness. True (though it
has abandoned baking), the idea of cooperative
cookery horrifies it ! However, another generation
is coming! And that generation, while expending
no more energy than ourselves, will live in homes
more complicatedly luxurious than ours. When
it is house-hunting it will turn in scorn from an
abode which has not a service of hot and cold
water in every bedroom and a steam device for
"washing up" without human fingers. And it will
as soon think of keeping a private orchestra as of
AN ESTABLISHMENT 253
keeping a private cook — with her loves and her
thirst.
£ & £ £
Leave England and come hack, and you cannot
fail to see that this generation is already knocking
at the door. When it once gets inside the door
it will probably be more "house-proud," more in-
clined to regard the dwelling as its toy, with which
it can never tire of playing, than even the present
generation. Such is a salient characteristic which
strikes the returned traveller, and which the for-
eigner goes back to his own country and talks about
— namely, the tremendous and intense pre-occupa-
tion of the English home with "comfort" — with
every branch and sub-branch of comfort.
"Le confort anglais" is a phrase which has
passed into the French language. On spiritual and
intellectual matters the Englishman may be the
most sweetly reasonable of creatures — always ready
to compromise, and loathing discussion. But catch
him compromising about his hot-water apparatus,
the texture of a beefsteak, or the flushing of a
cistern !
Ill
AMUSEMENTS
It is when one comes to survey with a fresh eye
the amusements of the English race that one real-
ises the incomprehensibility of existence. Here
is the most serious people on earth — the only peo-
ple, assuredly, with a genuine grasp of the prin-
ciples of political wisdom — amusing itself untir-
ingly with a play-ball. The ball may be large and
soft, as in football, or small and hard, as in golf, or
small and very hard, as in billiards, or neither one
thing nor the other, as in cricket — it is always a
ball. Abolish the sphere, and the flower of Eng-
lish manhood would perish from ennui.
The fact is, speaking broadly, there is only one
amusement worth mentioning in England. Foot-
ball dwarfs all the others. It has outrun cricket.
This is a hard saying, but a true one. Football
arouses more interest, passion, heat; it attracts far
vaster crowds; it sheds more blood. Having be-
held England, after absence, in the North and in
the South, I seem to see my native country as an
immense football ground, with a net across the Isle
of Wight and another in the neighbourhood of
John o' Groat's, and the entire population stamp-
ing their feet on the cold, cold ground and hoarsely
roaring at the bounces of a gigantic football. It is
254
AMUSEMENTS 255
a great game, but watching it is a mysterious and
peculiar amusement, full of contradictions. The
physical conditions of getting into a football
ground, of keeping life in one's veins while there,
and of getting away from it, appear at first sight
to preclude the possibility of amusement. ,They
remind one of the Crimean War or the passage of
the Beresina. A man will freeze to within half a
degree of death on a football ground, and the same
man will haughtily refuse to sit on anything less
soft than plush at a music-hall. Such is the inex-
plicable virtue of football.
£ £ £ *
Further, a man will safely carry his sense of fair
play past the gate of a cricket field, but he will
leave it outside the turnstiles of a football ground.
I refer to the relentless refusal of the man amusing
himself at a football match to see any virtue in the
other side. I refer to the howl of execration which
can only be heard on a football ground. English
public life is a series of pretences. And the great-
est pretence of all is that football matches are eleven
a side. Football matches are usually a battle be-
tween eleven men and ten thousand and eleven;
that is why the home team so seldom loses.
The football crowd is religious, stern, grim, ter-
rible, magnificent. It is prepared to sacrifice
everything to an ideal. And even when its ideal
gets tumbled out of the First League into the Sec-
ond, it will not part with a single illusion. There
are greater things than justice (which, after all, is
a human invention, and unknown to nature), and
256 PARIS NIGHTS
this ferocious idealism is greater than justice. The
explanation is that football is the oldest English
game — far older than cricket, and it "throws back"
to the true, deep sources of the English character.
It is a weekly return to the beneficent and heroic
simplicity of nature's methods.
Another phenomenon of the chief English amuse-
ment goes to show the religious sentiment that un-
derlies it. A leading Spanish toreador will earn
twenty thousand pounds a year. A leading Eng-
lish jockey will make as much. A music-hall star
can lay hands on several hundreds a week. A good
tea-taster receives a thousand a year, and a cloak-
room attendant at a fashionable hotel can always
retire at the age of forty. Now, on the same scale,
a great half-back, or a miraculous goalkeeper with
the indispensable gift of being in two places at once,
ought to earn about half a million a year. He is
the idol of innumerable multitudes of enthusiasts;
he can rouse them into heavenly ecstasy, or render
them homicidal, with a turn of his foot. He is the
theme of hundreds of newspapers. One town will
cheerfully pay another a thousand pounds for the
mere privilege of his citizenship. But his total per-
sonal income would not keep a stockbroker's wife in
hats! His uniform is the shabbiest uniform ever
donned by a military genius, and he is taught to
look forward to the tenancy of a tied public-house
as an ultimate paradise!
To the uhimpassioned observer, nothing in Eng-
lish national life seems more anomalous than this.
It can be explained solely by stern religious senti-
AMUSEMENTS 257
ment. Call it pagan if you will, but even pagan
religions were religious. The truth is that so foul
a thing as money does not enter into the question.
A footballer is treated like a sort of priest. "You
have this rare and incommunicable gift," says the
public to him in effect. "You can, for instance, do
things with your head that the profane cannot do
with their hands. It is no credit to you. You were
born so. Yet a few years, and the gift will leave
you! Then we shall cast you aside and forget
you. But, in the meantime, you are like unto a
precious vase. Keep yourself, therefore, holy and
uncracked. There is no money in the career, no
luxury, no soft cushions, nothing but sprained
ankles, broken legs, abstinence, suspensions, and a
pittance, followed by ingratitude and neglect. But
you have the rare and incommunicable gift! And
that is your exceeding reward."
In view of such an attitude, to offer the salary
of a County Court judge to a footballer would be
an insult.
* $ # &
After indulging in the spectacle and the vocal
gymnastics of a football match, the British public
goes home to its wife, hurries her out, and they
stand in the open street at a closed door for an
hour, or it may be two hours, stolidly, grimly,
fiercely, with obstinate chins, on pleasure bent.
They are determined to see that door open, no mat-
ter what the weather. Let it rain, let it freeze, they
will stand there till the door opens. At last it does
open, and they are so superbly eager to see what
258 PARIS NIGHTS
they shall see that they tumble over each other in
order to arrive at the seats of delight. That which
they long to witness with such an ardent longing is
usually a scene of destruction. Let an artiste come
forward and simply guarantee to smash a thousand
plates in a quarter of an hour, and he will fill with
enraptured souls the largest music-hall in England.
Next to splendid destruction the British public is
most amused by knockabout comedians, so called
because they knock each other about in a manner
which would be fatally tragic to any ordinary per-
sons.
Though this freshly-obtained impression of the
amusements of the folk is perfectly sincere and fair,
it is fair also to assert that the folk shine far more
brightly at work and at propaganda than at play.
The island folk, being utterly serious, have not yet
given adequate attention to the amusement of the
better part of themselves. But far up in the em-
pyrean, where culture floats, the directors of the
Stage Society and Miss Horniman are devoting
their lives to the question.
IV
MANCHESTER
Over thirty years ago I first used to go to
Manchester on Tuesdays, in charge of people who
could remember Waterloo, and I was taken into a
vast and intricate palace, where we bought quanti-
ties of things without paying for them — a method
of acquisition strictly forbidden in our shop. This
palace was called "Rylands." I knew not what
"Rylands" was, but from the accents of awe in
which the name was uttered I gathered that its im-
portance in the universe was supreme. My sole
impression of Manchester was an impression of ex-
treme noise. Without shouting you could not
make yourself heard in the streets. Ten years
later, London-road Station had somehow become
for me the gate of Paradise, and I was wont to es-
cape into Manchester as a prisoner escapes into the
open country.
After twenty years' absence in London and Paris
I began to revisit Manchester. My earliest im-
pression will be my last. Still the same prodigious
racket; the same gigantic altercation between irre-
sistible iron and immovable paving stones! With
the addition of the growling thunder of cars that
seem to be continually bumping each other as if
they were college eights! Lunch in a fashionable
grill-room at Manchester constitutes an auditory
259
260 PARIS NIGHTS
experience that could not be matched outside New
York. In the great saloon there is no carpet on
the polished planks of the floor, and the walls con-
sist of highly resonant tiles, for Manchester would
not willingly smother the slightest murmur of its
immense reverberations. The tables are set close
together, so that everybody can hear everybody;
the waiters (exactly the same waiters that one meets
at Monte Carlo or in the Champs Elysees) under-
stand all languages save English, so that the Brit-
isher must shout at them. Doors are for ever swing-
ing, and people rush to and fro without surcease. It
is Babel. In the background, a vague somewhere,
an orchestra is beating; one catches the bass notes
marking the measure, and occasionally a high
squeak in the upper register. And superimposed
on this, the lusty voice of a man of herculean phy-
sique passionately chanting that "a-hunting we
will go."
£ 4! jft .4
One looks through the window and, astonished,
observes one of those electric cars flying hugely past
without a sound. The thunder within has chal-
lenged and annihilated the heaviest thunder with-
out. The experience is unique. One rushes forth
in search of silence. Where can silence dwell in
Manchester? The end of every street is a mystery
of white fog, a possible home of silence. But no!
Be sure that if one plucks out the heart of the mys-
tery one will find a lorry preceded by at least eight
iron hoofs. The Art Gallery! One passes in.
Clack! Clack! Clack! It is the turnstile. And all
MANCHESTER 261
afternoon the advent of each student of the fine
arts, of each cultivated dilettante, is announced by
Clack! Clack! Clack! Two young men come in.
Clack! Clack! Clack! Turner's "Decline of Car-
thage" naturally arrests them. "By Jove!" says
one, "that was something to tackle!" Clack!
Clack! Clack! Out again, in search of silence.
But over nearly every portal curves the legend:
"Music all day." And outside the music-halls
hired bawlers are bawling to the people to come in.
At last, near the Infirmary, one sees a stationary
cab, and across the window of this cab is printed,
in letters of gold, the extraordinary, the magic, the
wonderful, the amazing word :
"Noiseless."
Ah! The traditional, sublime humour of cab-
men!
Biut if my impression has remained, and even
waxed, that Manchester would be an ideal metropo-
lis for a nation of deaf mutes, my other early im-
pression, of its artistic and intellectual primacy, is
sharply renewed and intensified. Of late, not only
by contact with Manchester men, but by the subtle
physiognomy of Manchester streets and the reveal-
ing gestures of the common intelligent person, I
have been more than ever convinced that there is no
place which can match its union of intellectual
vigour, artistic perceptiveness, and political sa-
gacity.
«* «* * £
Long and close intercourse with capitals has not
in the slightest degree modified my youthful con-
262 PARIS NIGHTS
ception of Manchester, my admiration for its insti-
tutions, and my deep respect for its opinion. Lon-
don may patronise Manchester as it chooses, but
you can catch in London's tone a secret awe, an
inward conviction of essential inferiority. I have
noticed this again and again. I know well that my
view is shared by the fine flower of Fleet-street, and
i/o dread of disagreeable insinuations or accusations
shall prevent me from expressing my sentiments
with my customary directness. There is no de-
partment of artistic, intellectual, social, or political
activity in which Manchester has not corporately
surpassed London. And there have been very few
occasions on which, when they have differed in
opinion, Manchester has been as wrong as London.
It is, of course, notorious that London is still agi-
tated by more than one controversy which was defi-
nitely settled by Manchester twenty years ago in
the way in which London will settle it twenty years
hence. Manchester is too proud to proclaim its
fundamental supremacy in the island (though unal-
terably convinced of it), and no other city would
be such a fool as to proclaim it ; hence it is not pro-
claimed. But it exists, and the general knowledge
of it exists.
The explanation of Manchester is twofold.
First, its geographical situation, midway between
the corrupting languor of the south and the too
bleak hardness of the north. And, second, that it
enjoys the advantages of a population as vast as
that of London, without the disadvantages of either
an exaggerated centralisation or of a capital. Lon-
MANCHESTER 263
don suffers from elephantiasis, a rush of blue blood
to the head, vertigo, imperfect circulation, and other
maladies. Bureaucratic and caste influences must
always vitiate the existence of a capital, and I do
not suppose that any great capital in Europe is the
real source of its country's life and energy. Not
Rome, but Milan! Not Madrid, but Barcelona!
Not St. Petersburg, but Moscow! Not Berlin,
but Hamburg and Munich! Not Paris, but the
rest of France! Not London, but the Manchester
area!
LONDON
t
There are probably other streets as ugly, as ut-
terly bereft of the romantic, as Lots-road, Chelsea,
but certainly nothing more desolating can exist in
London. It was ten years since I had seen it, and
now I saw it at its worst moment of the week, about
ten o'clock of a Sunday morning. Some time be-
fore I reached it I heard a humming vibration
which grew louder and more impressive as I ap-
proached. I passed (really) sixty-eight seagulls
sitting in two straight rows on the railings of a de-
serted County Council pier, and on a rusty lantern
at the head of the pier was a sixty-ninth seagull, no
doubt the secretary of their trade union.
A mist lay over the river and over a man reading
the "Referee" on an anchored barge, and nobody
at all seemed to be taking any notice of the growing
menace of this humming vibration. Then I came
to a gigantic building, quite new to me — I had not
suspected that such a thing was — a building which
must be among the largest in London, a red brick
building with a grandiose architectural effect, an
overpowering affair, one of those affairs that man
creates in order to show how small and puny he
himself is. You could pile all the houses of a dozen
neighbouring streets under the colossal roof of that
LONDON 265
erection and leave room for a church or so. Ex-
traordinary that a returned exile, interested in Lon-
don, could have walked about London for days
without even getting a glimpse of such hugeness.
It was shut up, closed in, mysterious, inviolable.
The gates of its yards were bolted. It bore no
legend of its name and owner ; there was no sign of
human life in it. And the humming vibration
came out of it, and was visibly cracking walls and
windows in the doll's-houses of Lots-road that
shook at its feet. Lots-road got up to that thunder,
went to bed to that thunder, ate bacon to it, and
generally transacted its daily life. I gazed baffled
at the building. No clue anywhere to the mystery !
Nothing but a proof of the determined tendency
on the part of civilisation to imitate the romances
of H. G. Wells!
A milkman in a striped apron was ringing and
ringing angrily at the grille of a locked public-
house. I hate to question people in the street, but
curiosity concerning a marvel is like love, stronger
than hate.
"That?" said the milkman peevishly. "That's
the generating stytion for the electric rilewys."
"Which railways?" I asked.
"All of 'em," said he. "There's bin above sixty
men killed there already."
# $ £ £
Who would have supposed, a few years ago, that
romance would visit unromantic Lots-road in this
strange and terrible manner, cracking it, smashing
it, deafening it, making the vases rattle on its man-
266 PARIS NIGHTS
telpieces, and robbing it of sleep? Lots-road is
now the true romantic centre of London. (It
would probably prefer to be something else, but it
is.) It holds the true symbol of the development
of London's corporate life.
You come to an unusual hole in the street, and
enter it, and find yourself on a large floor sur-
rounded by advertisements of whisky and art fur-
niture. The whole floor suddenly sinks with you
towards the centre of the earth, far below sewers.
You emerge into a system of tunnels, and,
guided by painted white hands, you traverse
these tunnels till you arrive at a precipice. Then
a suite of drawing-rooms, four or six, glides
along the front of the precipice. Each saloon
is lighted by scores of electric lamps, and the
steel doors of each are magically thrown wide
open. An attendant urges you to come in and
sit down. You do so, and instantly the suite
of rooms glides glittering away with you, curving
through an endless subterranean passage, and stop-
ping now and then for two seconds at a precipice.
At last you get out, and hurry through more tun-
nels, and another flying floor wafts you up out of
the earth again, and you stagger into daylight and
a strange street, and when your eyes have recovered
themselves you perceive that the strange street is
merely Holborn. . . . And all this because of
the roaring necromancers' castle in Lots-road!
All this impossible without the roaring necro-
mancers' castle!
People ejaculate, "The new Tubes!" and think
LONDON 267
they have described these astounding phenomena.
But they have not.
& # * #
The fact that strikes the traveller beyond all other
facts of the new London is the immensity of the
penalty which the Metropolis is now paying for its
size. Tubes, electrified "Districts," petrol omni-
buses, electric cars and cabs, and automobiles ; these
are only the more theatrical aspects of an activity
which permeates and exhausts the life of the com-
munity. Locomotion has become an obsession in
London; it has become a perfect nightmare. The
city gets larger pnd larger, but the centre remains
the centre and e erybody must get to it.
See the motor cars speeding over Barnes Com-
mon to plunge into London. One after another,
treading on each other's heels, scurrying, preoccu-
pied, and malodorous, they fly past in an inter-
minable procession for hours, to give a melodra-
matic interest to the streets of London. See the
attack on the omnibuses by a coldly- determined
mob of workers outside Putney Station, and the
stream that ceaselessly descends into Putney Sta-
tion. Follow the omnibuses as they rush across
the bridge into Fulham-road. See the girls on the
top at 8 A. M. in the frosty fog. They are glad to
be anywhere, even on the top.
See the acrobatic young men who, all along the
route, jump on to the step and drop off disap-
pointed because there are already sixteen inside and
eighteen out. Notice the fight at every stopping-
place. Watch the gradual growth of the traffic,
268 PARIS NIGHTS
until the driver, from being a charioteer, is trans-
formed into a solver of Chinese puzzles. And re-
member that Fulham-road is one great highway out
of fifty. Bend your head, and gaze through Lon-
don clay into the tunnels full of gliding drawing-
rooms and the drawing-rooms jammed with people.
Think of the five hundred railway stations of all
sorts in London, all at the same business of trans-
porting people to the centre! Then put yourself
in front of one station, the type-terminus, Liver-
pool-street, and see the incredible thick, surging,
bursting torrent that it vomits (there is no other
word) from long before dawn till ten o'clock.
And, finally, see the silent, sanguinary battles on
bridges for common tram-cars and 'buses.
Not clubs, not hotels, not cathedrals, not halls
of song, not emporia, not mansions ; but t his is Lon-
don, now; this necessary, passionate, complex loco-
motion ! All other phenomena are insignificant be-
side it.
VI
INDUSTRY
My native heath, thanks to the enterprise of Lon-
don newspapers and the indestructibility of pictur-
esque lies, has the reputation of being quite unlike
the rest of England, but when I set foot in it after
absence, it seems to me the most English piece of
England that I ever came across. With extraor-
dinary clearness I see it as absurdly, ridiculously,
splendidly English. All the English characteris-
tics are, quite remarkably, exaggerated in the Pot-
teries. (That is perhaps why it is a butt for the
organs of London civilisation.) This intensifying
of a type is due no doubt to a certain isolation,
caused partly by geography and partly by the in-
spired genius of the gentleman who, in planning
what is now the London and North- Western Kail-
way, carefully diverted it from a populous district
and sent it through a hamlet six miles away. On
the 28 miles between Stafford and Crewe of the
four-track way of the greatest line in England, not
a town! And a solid population of a quarter of a
million within gunshot! English methods! That
is to say, the preposterous side of English methods.
We practise in the Potteries the fine old English
plan of not calling things by their names. We are
one town, one unseparated mass of streets. We
269
270 PARIS NIGHTS
are, in fact, the twelfth largest town in the United
Kingdom (though you would never guess it)u
And the chief of our retail commerce and of our
amusements are congregated in the centre of our
town, as the custom is. But do not imagine that
we will consent to call ourselves one town.* No!
We pretend that we are six towns, and to carry
out the pretence we have six town halls, six Mayors
or chief bailiffs, six sanitary inspectors, six every-
thing, including six jealousies. We find it so much
more economical, convenient, and dignified, in deal-
ing with public health, education, and railway,
canal, and tramway companies to act by means of
six mutually jealous authorities.
$ * # £
We make your cups and saucers — and other
earthen utensils. We have been making them for
over a thousand years. And, since we are Eng-
lish, we want to make them now as we made them
a thousand years ago. We flatter ourselves that
we! are a particularly hard-headed race, and we are.
Steel drills would not get a new idea into our hard
heads. We have a characteristic shrewd look, a
sort of looking askance and suspicious. We are
looking askance and suspicious at the insidious ap-
proaches of science and scientific organisation. At
the present moment the twelfth largest town is
proposing to find a sum of £250 (less than it
spends on amusement in a single day) towards the
cost of a central school of pottery. Mind, only
* Since this was written a very modified form of federation
has been introduced into the Potteries.
INDUSTRY 271
proposing! Up to three years ago (as has been
publicly stated by a master-potter) we carped at
scientific methods. "Carp" is an amiable word. We
hated and loathed innovation. We do still. Only
a scientific, adventurous, un-English manufacturer
who has dared to innovate knows the depth and
height, the terrific inertia, of that hate and that
loathing.
Oh, yes, we are fully aware of Germany! Yes-
terday a successful manufacturer said to me — and
these are his exact words, which I wrote down and
read over to him: "Owing to superior technical
knowledge, the general body of German manufac-
turers are able to produce certain effects in china
and in earthenware, which the general body of
English manufacturers are incapable of produc-
ing." However, we have already established two
outlying minor technical schools, and we are pro-
posing to find £250 privately towards a grand
and imposing central technical college. Do not
smile, you who read this. You are not arch-
angels, either. Besides, when we like, we can
produce the finest earthenware in the world.
We are only just a tiny bit more English than you
— that's all. And the Potteries is English indus-
try in little — a glass for English manufacture to
see itself in.
«* «* # $
For the rest, we are the typical industrial com-
munity, presenting the typical phenomena of new
England. We have made municipal parks out of
wildernesses, and hired brass bands of music to
272 PARIS NIGHTS
play in them. We have quite six parks in our
town. The character of our annual carnivals has
improved out of recognition within living memory.
Electricity no longer astounds us. We have pub-
lic baths everywhere (though I have never heard
that they rival our gasworks in contributing to the
rates). Our public libraries are better and more
numerous, though their chief function is still to
fleet the idle hours of our daughters. Our roads
are less awful. Our slums are decreasing. Our
building regulations are stricter. Our sanitation
is vastly improved; and in spite of asthma, lead-
poisoning, and infant mortality our death-rate is
midway between those of Manchester and Liver-
pool.
We grow steadily less drunken. Yet drunken-
ness remains our worst vice, and in the social hier-
archy none stands higher than the brewer, precisely
as in the rest of England. We grow steadily less
drunken, but even the intellectuals still think it
odd and cranky to meet without drinking fluids
admittedly harmful; and as for the workingman's
beer . . . Knock the glass out of his hand
and see! We grow steadily less drunken, but we
possess some 750 licensed houses and not a single
proper bookshop. No man could make a hundred
pounds a year by selling books in the Potteries.
We really do know a lot, and we have as many
bathrooms per thousand as any industrial hive in
this island, and as many advertisments of incom-
parable soaps. We are in the way of perfection,
and when we have conquered drunkenness, igno-
INDUSTRY 273
ranee, and dirt we shall have arrived there, with
the rest of England. Dirt — a public slatternli-
ness, a public and shameless flouting of the virtues
of cleanliness and tidiness — is the most spectacular
of our sins.
We are the supreme land of picturesque con-
trasts. On one day last week I saw a Town Clerk
who had never heard of H. G. Wells; I walked
five hundred yards and assisted at a performance
of chamber-music by Bach and a discussion of the
French slang of Huysmans; walked only another
hundred yards and was, literally, stuck in an un-
protected bog and extricated therefrom by the
kindness of two girls who were rooting in a shawd-
ruck for bits of coal.
Lastly, with other industrial communities, we
share the finest of all qualities — the power and the
will to work. We do work. All of us work. We
have no use for idlers. Climb a hill and survey
our combined endeavour, and you will admit it to
be magnificent.
THE MIDLANDS— 1910-1911
THE HANBRIDGE EMPIRE
When I came into the palace, out of the streets
where black human silhouettes moved on seemingly
mysterious errands in the haze of high-hung elec-
tric globes, I was met at the inner portal by the
word "Welcome" in large gold letters. This
greeting, I saw, was part of the elaborate me-
chanics of the place. It reiterated its message mo-
notonously to perhaps fifteen thousand visitors a
week; nevertheless, it had a certain effectiveness,
since it showed that the Hanbridge Theatres Com-
pany Limited was striving after the right attitude
towards the weekly fifteen thousand. At some pit
doors the seekers after pleasure are received and
herded as if they were criminals, or beggars. I en-
tered with curiosity, for, though it is the business
of my life to keep an eye on the enthralling social
phenomena of Hanbridge, I had never been in its
Empire. When I formed part of Hanbridge there
was no Empire; nothing but sing-songs conducted
by convivial chairmen with rapping hammers in
public-houses whose blinds were drawn and whose
posters were in manuscript. Not that I have ever
assisted at one of those extinct sing-songs. They
were as forbidden to me as a High Church service.
The only convivial rapping chairman I ever beheld
277
278 PARIS NIGHTS
was at Gatti's, under Charing Cross Station,
twenty-two years ago.
Now I saw an immense carved and gilded inte-
rior, not as large as the Paris Opera, but assuredly
capable of seating as many persons. My first
thought was: "Why, it's just like a real music-
hall!" I was so accustomed to regard Hanbridge
as a place where the great visible people went in to
work at seven A.M. and emerged out of public-
houses at eleven P.M., or stood movelessly mournful
in packed tramcars, or bitterly partisan on chill
football grounds, that I could scarcely credit their
presence here, lolling on velvet amid gold Cupids
and Hercules, and smoking at ease, with plentiful
ash-trays to encourage them. I glanced round to
find acquaintances, and the first I saw was the hu-
man being who from nine to seven was my tailor's
assistant; not now an automaton wound up with
deferential replies to any conceivable question that
a dandy could put, but a living soul with a calabash
between his teeth, as fine as anybody. Indeed,
finer than most! He, like me, reclined aristocratic
in the grand circle (a bob). He, like me, was of-
fered chocolates and what not at reasonable prices
by a boy whose dress indicated that his education
was proceeding at Eton. I was glad to see him.
I should have gone and spoken to him, only I feared
that by so doing I might balefully kill a man and
create a deferential automaton. And I was glad
to see the vast gallery with human twopences. In
nearly all public places of pleasure, the pleasure is
poisoned for me by the obsession that I owe it, at
THE HANBRIDGE EMPIRE 279
last, to the underpaid labour of people who aren't
there and can't be there; by the growing, deepen-
ing obsession that the whole structure of what a re-
spectable person means, when he says with patriotic
warmth "England," is reared on a stupendous and
shocking injustice. I did not feel this at the Han-
bridge Empire. Even the newspaper-lad and the
match-girl might go to the Hanbridge Empire and,
sitting together, drink the milk of paradise. Won-
derful discoverers, these new music-hall directors
all up and down the United Kingdom ! They have
discovered the folk.
«* ,* «* «*
THe performance was timed as carefully as a
prize-fight. Ting! and the curtain went unfail-
ingly up. Ting! and it came unfailingly down.
Ting! and something started. Ting! and it
stopped. Everybody concerned in the show knew
what he and everybody else had to do. The illu-
minated number-signs on either side of the prosce-
nium changed themselves with the implacable
accuracy of astronomical phenomena. It was as
though some deity of ten thousand syndicated halls
was controlling the show from some throne studded
with electric switches in Shaftesbury Avenue.
Only the uniformed shepherd of the twopences aloft
seemed free to use his own discretion. His "Now
then, order, please" a masterly union of entreaty
and intimidation, was the sole feature of the enter-
tainment not regulated to the fifth of a second by
that recurrent ting.
But what the entertainment gained in efficient
280 PARIS NIGHTS
exactitude by this ruthless ordering, it seemed to
lose in zest, in capriciousness, in rude joy. It was
watched almost dully, and certainly there was noth-
ing in it that could rouse the wayward animal that
is in all of us. It was marked by an impeccable
propriety. In the classic halls of London you can
still hear skittish grandmothers, stars of a past age
unreformed, prattling (with an amazing imitation
of youthfulness) of champagne suppers. But not
in the Hanbridge Empire. At the Hanbridge Em-
pire the curtain never rises on any disclosure of the
carnal core of things. Even when a young woman
in a short skirt chanted of being clasped in his arms
again, the tepid primness of her manner indicated
that the embrace would be that of a tailor's dummy
and a pretty head-and-shoulders in a hairdresser's
window. The pulse never asserted itself. Only in
the unconscious but overpowering temperament of
a couple of acrobatic mulatto women was there the
least trace of bodily fever. Male acrobats of the
highest class, whose feats were a continual creation
of sheer animal beauty, roused no adequate en-
thusiasm.
"When do the Yorkshire Songsters come on?" I
asked an attendant at the interval. In the bar, a
handful of pleasure-seekers were dispassionately
drinking, without a rollicking word to mar the flow
of their secret reflections.
"Second item in the second part," said the at-
tendant, and added heartily : "And very good they
are, too, sir!"
He meant it. He would not have said as much
THE HANBRIDGE EMPIRE 281
of a man whom in the lounge of a London hotel I
saw playing the fiddle and the piano simultane-
ously. He was an attendant of mature and diffi-
cult judgment, not to be carried away by clowning
or grotesquerie. With him good meant good.
And they were very good. And they were what
they pretended to be. There were about twenty of
them ; the women were dressed in white, and the men
wore scarlet hunting coats. The conductor, a little
shrewd man, was disguised in a sort of lev ee dress,
with knee-breeches and silk stockings. But he
could not disguise himself from me. I had seen
him, and hundreds of him, in the streets of Hali-
fax, Wakefield, and Batley. I had seen him all
over Yorkshire, Lancashire, and Staffordshire.
He was a Midland type: infernally well satisfied
with himself under a crust of quiet modesty ; a nice
man to chat with on the way to Blackpool, a man
who could take a pot of beer respectably and then
stop, who could argue ingeniously without heat,
and who would stick a shaft into you as he left you,
just to let you know that he was not quite so ordi-
nary as he made out to be. They were all like that,
in a less degree; women too; those women could
cook a Welsh rarebit with any woman, and they
wouldn't say all they thought all at once, either.
And there they were ranged in a flattened semi-
circle on a music-hall stage. Perhaps they ap-
peared on forty music-hall stages in a year. It had
come to that: another case of specialisation.
Doubtless they had begun in small choirs, or in the
parlours of home, singing for the pleasure of sing-
282 PARIS NIGHTS
ing, and then acquiring some local renown; and
then the little shrewd conductor had had the grand
idea of organised professionalism. God bless my
soul! The thing was an epic,, or ought to be!
They really could sing. They really had voices.
And they would not "demean" themselves to cheap-
ness. All their eyes said: "This is no music-hall
foolery. This is uncompromisingly high-class, and
if you don't like it you ought to be ashamed of
yourselves!" They sang part-song music, from
"Sweet and Low" to a "Lohengrin" chorus. And
with a will, with finesse, with a pianissimo over which
the endless drone of the electric fan could be clearly
distinguished, and a fine, free fortissimo that would
have enchanted Wagner! They brought the house
down every time. They might have rendered en-
cores till midnight, but for my deity in Shaf tesbury
Avenue. It was the "folk" themselves giving back
to the folk in the form of art the very life of the
folk.
«* # £ £
But the most touching instances of this giving-
back was furnished by the lady clog-dancer. Han-
bridge used to be the centre of a land of clogs.
Hundreds of times I have wakened in winter dark-
ness to the sound of clogs on slushy pavements.
And when I think of clogs I think of the knocker-
up, and hurried fire-lighting, and tea and thick
bread, and the icy draught from the opened front-
door, and the factory gates, and the terrible time-
keeper therein, and his clock: all the military harsh-
ness of industrialism grimly accepted. Few are
THE LADY CLOG-DANCER (Page 282)
THE HANBBJDGE EMPIRE 283
the clogs now in Hanbridge. The girls wear paper
boots, for their health's sake, and I don't know what
the men wear. Clogs have nearly gone out of life.
But at the Hanbridge Empire they had reappeared
in an art highly conventionalised. The old clog-
dancing, begun in public-houses, was realistic, and
was done by people who the next morning would
clatter to work in clogs. But this pretty, simpering
girl had never worn a clog seriously. She had
never regarded a clog as a cheap and lasting pro-
tection against wind and rain, but as a contrivance
that you had to dance in. I daresay she rose at
eleven A.M. She had a Cockney accent. She
would not let her clogs make a noise. She minced
in clogs. It was no part of her scheme to lose her
breath. And yet I doubt not that she constituted a
romantic ideal for the young male twopences, with
her clogs that had reached her natty feet from the
original back streets of, say, Stockport. As I lum-
bered home in the electric car, besieged by printed
requests from the tram company not on any ac-
count to spit, I could not help thinking and think-
ing, in a very trite way, that art is a wonderful
thing.
II
THE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE
According to Whitaker's Almanac, there are
something under a million of them actually at work,
which means probably that the whole race numbers
something over two millions. And, speaking
broadly, no one knows anything about them. The
most modern parents, anxious to be parental in a
scientific manner, will explain to their children on
the hearth the chemistry of the fire, showing how
the coal releases again the carbon which was ab-
sorbed by the plant in a past age, and so on, to the
end that the children may learn to understand the
order of the universe.
This I have seen. But I have never seen par-
ents explaining to their children on the hearth the
effect of coal-getting on the family life of the col-
lier, to the end that the children might learn to un-
derstand the price of coal in sweat, blood, and tears.
The householder is interested only in the other in-
significant part of the price of coal. And this is
odd, for the majority of householders are certainly
not monsters of selfish and miserly indifference to
the human factor in economics. Nor — I have con-
vinced myself, though with difficulty — are the mem-
bers of the House of Lords. Yet among all the
speeches against the Miners' Eight Hours Bill in
284
THE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE 285
this Chamber where beats the warm, generous heart
of Lord Halsbury, I do not remember one which
mentioned the real price of coal. Even the mem-
bers of the sublime Coal Consumers' League,
though phantoms, cannot be phantoms without
bowels. But has the League ever issued one leaflet
dealing with the psychology of the collier's wife as
affected by notions of fire-damp? I doubt it.
£ £ $ »
Even artists have remained unstirred by the pro-
vocative mystery of this subterranean race, which
perspires with a pick, not only beneath our cellars,
but far beneath the caves of the sea itself. A work-
ing miner, Joseph Skipsey, had to write the one
verse about this race which has had vigour enough
to struggle into the anthologies. The only novel
handling in the grand manner this tremendous and
bizarre theme is Emile Zola's "Germinal." And,
though it is a fine novel, though it is honest and
really impressive, there are shallows in the mighty
stream of its narrative, and its climax is marred by
a false sentimentality, which is none the less senti-
mentality for being sensual. Not a great novel,
but nearly great; as the child's ring was "nearly
gold." And in English fiction what is there but
"Miss Grace of All Souls," a wistful and painstak-
ing book, with pages which extort respect, but which
no power can save from oblivion? And in the fine
arts, is there anything but pretty coloured sentimen-
talities of hopeless dawns at pit-heads? Well,
there is! Happily there are Constantin Meunier's
sculptures of miners at work — compositions over
286 PA'RIS NIGHTS
which oblivion will have no power. But I think
this is all.
Journalistic reporting of great tragic events
is certainly much better than it used to be,
when the phraseology of the reporter was as
rigidly fixed by convention as poetic phrase-
ology in the eighteenth century. The spe-
cial correspondent is now much more of an artist,
because he is much more free. But he is handi-
capped by the fact that when he does his special
work really well, he is set to doing special work al-
ways, and lives largely among abnormal and af-
frighting phenomena, and so his sensibility is
dulled. Moreover, there are valuable effects and
impressions which the greatest genius on earth could
not accomplish in a telegraph office. But did you
ever see the lives or the swift deaths of the myste-
rious people treated, descriptively by an imaginative
writer in a monthly review? I noted recently with
pleasure that the American magazines, characteris-
tically alert, have awakened to the possibilities of
the mysterious people as material for serious work
in the more leisurely journalism. The last tre-
mendous accident in the United States produced
at any rate one careful and fairly adequate study
of the psychology of the principal figures in it, and
of the drama which a bundle of burning hay orig-
inated.
Even if I did not share the general incurious
apathy towards the mysterious people, I should not
blame that apathy, for it is so widespread that there
must be some human explanation of it; my object
THE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE 287
is merely to point it out. But I share it. I lived
half my life among coalpits. I never got up in the
morning without seeing the double wheels at a
neighbouring pit-head spin silently in opposite di-
rections for a time, and then stop, and then begin
again. I was accustomed to see coal and ironstone,
not in tons, but in thousands of tons. I have been
close to colliery disasters so enormous that the am-
bitious local paper would make special reporters of
the whole of its staff, and give up to the affair the
whole of its space, save a corner for the betting
news. My district lives half by earthenware and
half by mining. I have often philandered with pot-
workers, but I have never felt a genuine, active curi-
osity about the mysterious people. I have never
been down a coalpit, though the galleries are now
white-washed and lighted by electricity. It has
never occurred to me to try to write a novel about
the real price of coal.
# j* # *
And yet how powerfully suggestive the glimpses
I have had! Down there, on my heath, covered
with a shuttle-work of trams, you may get on to a
car about four o'clock in the afternoon to pay a
visit, and you may observe a handful of silent, for-
midable men in the car, a greyish-yellowish-black
from head to foot. Like Eugene Stratton, they
are black everywhere, except the whites of their
eyes. You ask yourself what these begrimed
creatures that touch nothing without soiling
it are doing abroad at four o'clock in the afternoon,
seeing that men are not usually unyoked till six.
288 PARIS NIGHTS
They have an uncanny air, especially when you re-
flect that there is not one arm among them that
could not stretch you out with one blow. Then you
remember that they have been buried in geological
strata probably since five o'clock that morning, and
that the sky must look strange to them.
Or you may be walking in the appalling out-
skirts, miles from town halls and free libraries, but
miles also from flowers, and you may see a whole
procession of these silent men, encrusted with car-
bon and perspiration, a perfect pilgrimage of them,
winding its way over a down where the sparse grass
is sooty and the trees are withered. And then you
feel that you yourself are the exotic stranger in those
regions. But the procession absolutely ignores
you. You might not exist. It goes on, absorbed,
ruthless, and sinister. Your feeling is that if you
got in its path it would tramp right over you. And
it passes out of sight.
Around, dotting the moors, are the mining vil-
lages, withdrawn, self-centred, where the entire ex-
istence of the community is regulated by a single
steam-siren, where good fortune and ill- fortune are
common, and where the disaster of one is the disaster
of all. Little is known of the life of these villages
and townlets — known, that is, by people capable of
imaginative external sympathetic comprehension.
And herein is probably a reason why the myste-
rious people remain so mysterious. They live phys-
ically separated. A large proportion of them
never mingle with the general mass. They are not
sufficiently seen of surface-men to maintain curi-
THE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE 289
osity concerning them. They keep themselves to
themselves, and circumstances so keep them. Only
at elections do they seem to impinge in powerful si-
lence on the destinies of the nation.
I have visited some of these villages. I have
walked over the moors to them with local preach-
ers, and heard them challenge God. I have talked
to doctors and magistrates about them, and
acquired the certainty, vague and yet vivid, that in
religion, love, work, and debauch they are equally
violent and splendid. It needs no insight to per-
ceive that they live nearer even than sailors to that
central tract of emotion where life and death meet.
But I have never sympathetically got near them.
And I don't think I ever shall.
Once I was talking to a man whose father, not
himself a miner, had been the moral chieftain of one
of these large villages, the individuality to which
everyone turned in doubt or need. And I was
getting this man to untap the memories of his child-
hood. "Eh!" he said, "I remember how th' women
used to come to my mother sometimes of a night,
and beg, 'Mrs. B., an' ye got any old white shirts
to spare? They're bringing 'em up, and we mun
lay 'em out!' And I remember — " But just then
he had to leave me, and I obtained no more. But
what a glimpse!
Ill
FIRST VOYAGE TO THE ISLE OF MAN
It seemed solid enough. I leaned for an instant
over the rail on the quarter away from the landing-
stage, and there, at the foot of the high precipice
formed by the side of the vessel, was the wavy
water. A self-important, self-confident man
standing near me lighted a black cigar of unseemly
proportions, and threw the match into the water.
The match was lost at once in the waves, which far
below beat up futilely against the absolutely un-
moved precipice. I had never been on such a large
steamer before. I said to myself: "This is all
right."
However, that was not the moment to go into
ecstasies over the solidity of the steamer. I had to
secure a place for myself. Hundreds of people on
the illimitable deck were securing places for them-
selves. And many of them were being aided by
porters or mariners. The number of people seemed
to exceed the number of seats ; it certainly exceeded
the number of nice sheltered corners. I picked up
my portmanteau with one hand and my bag
and my sticks and my rug with the other. Then I
dropped the portmanteau. A portmanteau has the
peculiar property of possessing different weights.
You pick it up in your bedroom, and it seems a
29Q
THE ISLE OF MAN 291
feather. You say to yourself: "I can carry that
easily — save tips to porters." But in a public
place its weight changes for the worse with every
yard you walk. At twenty yards it weighs half a
ton. At forty yards no steam-crane could support
it. You drop it. Besides, the carrying of it robs
your movements of all grace and style. Well, I
had carried that bag myself from the cab to the
steamer, across the landing-stage, and up the gang-
way. Economy! I had spent a shilling on a use-
less magazine, and I grudged three pence to a por-
ter with a wife and family ! I was wearing a neck-
tie whose price represented the upkeep of the porter
and his wife and family for a full twenty- four
hours, and yet I wouldn't employ the porter to the
tune of threepence. Economy! These thoughts
flashed through my head with the rapidity of light-
ning.
You see, I could not skip about for a deck-chair
with that portmanteau in my hand. But if I left
it lying on the deck, which was like a street . . .
well, thieves, professional thieves, thieves who
specialise in departing steamers! They nip off
with your things while you are looking for a chair ;
the steamer bell sounds; and there you are!
Nevertheless, I accepted the horrid risk and left
all my belongings in the middle of the street.
«* $ # #
Not a free chair, not a red deck-chair, not a cor-
ner! There were seats by the rail at one extremity
of the boat, and at the other extremity of the boat,
but no chair to be had. Thousands of persons re-
292 PAHIS NIGHTS
dining in chairs, and thousands of others occupied
by bags, rugs, and bonnet-boxes, but no empty
chair.
"Want a deck-chair, governor?" a bearded mar-
iner accosted me.
Impossible to conceal from him that I did. But,
being perhaps the ship's carpenter, was he going to
manufacture a chair for me on the spot? I knew
not how he did it, but in about thirty seconds he pro-
duced a chair out of the entrails of the ship, and fixed
it for me in a beautiful situation, just forward of
the funnel, and close to a charming young woman,
and a little deck-house in front for protection! It
was exactly what I wanted; the most stationary part
of the entire vessel.
Sixpence! Economy! Still, I couldn't give
him less. Moreover, I only had two pence in cop-
pers.
"What will the voyage be like?" I asked him with
false jollity, as he touched his cap.
"Grand, sir!" he replied enthusiastically.
Yes, and if I had given him a shilling the voyage
would have been the most magnificent and utterly
perfect voyage that ship ever made.
No sooner was I comfortably installed in that
almost horizontal deck-chair than I was aware of a
desire to roam about, watch the casting-off and the
behaviour of the poor stay-at-home crowd on the
landing-stage; a very keen desire. But I would
not risk the portmanteau again. Nothing should
part us till the gangways were withdrawn. Absurd,
of course! Human nature is absurd. I
THE VOYAGE (/'off*
THE ISLE OF MAN 293
caught the charming young woman's eye about a
dozen times. The ship got fuller and fuller. With
mean and paltry joy I perceived other passengers
seeking for chairs and not finding them, and I
gazed at them with haughty superiority. Then a
fiendish, an incredible, an appalling screech over my
head made me jump in a silly way quite unworthy
of a man who is reclining next to a charming young
woman, and apt to prejudice him in her eyes. It
was merely the steamer announcing that we were
off. I sprang up, trying to make the spring seem
part of the original jump. I looked. And lo! The
whole landing-stage with all the people and horses
and cabs was moving backwards, floating clean
away ; while the enormous ship stood quite still ! A
most singular effect !
* «* £ £
In a minute we were in the middle of the river,
and my portmanteau was safe. I left it in pos-
session of the chair.
The next strange phenomenon of my mental con-
dition was an extraordinary curiosity in regard to
the ship. I had to explore it. I had to learn all
about it. I began counting the people on the
deck, but soon after I had come to the man with the
unseemly black cigar I lost count. Then I went
downstairs. There seemed to be staircases all over
the place. You could scarcely move without falling
down a staircase. And I came to another deck also
full of people and bags, and fitted with other stair-
cases that led still lower. And on the sloping ceil-
ing of one of these lower staircases I saw the Board
294 PARIS NIGHTS
of Trade certificate of the ship. A most interesting
document. It gave the tonnage as 2,000, and the
legal number of passengers as about the same; and
it said there were over two thousand life-belts on
board, and room on the eight boats for I don't re-
member how many shipwrecked voyagers. It even
gave the captain's Christian name. You might
think that this would slake my curiosity. But, no!
It urged me on. Lower down — somewhere near
the caverns at the bottom of the sea, I came across
marble halls, upholstered in velvet, where at snowy
tables people were unconcernedly eating steaks and
drinking tea. I said to myself "At such and such
an hour I will come down here and have tea. It
will break the monotony of the voyage." Looking
through the little round windows of the restaurant
I saw strips of flying green.
Then I thought: "The engines!" And somehow
the word "reciprocating" came into my mind. I
really must go and see the engines reciprocate. I
had never seen anything reciprocate, except possibly
my Aunt Hilda at the New Year, when she an-
swered my letter of good wishes. I discovered that
many other persons had been drawn down towards
the engine-room by the attraction of the spectacle
of reciprocity. And as a spectacle it was assuredly
majestic, overwhelming, and odorous. I must
learn the exact number of times those engines recip-
rocated in a minute, and I took out my watch for
the purpose. Other gazers at once did the same.
It seemed to be a matter of the highest impor-
tance that we should know the precise speed of those
THE ISLE OF MAN 295
engines. Then I espied a large brass plate which
appeared to have been affixed to the engine
room in order to inform the engineers that the ship
was built by Messrs. Macconochie and Sons, of
Dumbarton. Why Dumbarton? Why not
Halifax? And why must this precious in-
formation always be staring the engineers in
the face? I wondered whether "Sons" were
married, and, if so, what the relations were be-
tween Sons' wives and old Mrs. Macconochie.
Then, far down, impossibly far down, furlongs be-
neath those gesticulating steely arms, I saw a coal-
pit on fire and demons therein with shovels. And
all of a sudden it occurred to me that I might as
well climb up again to my own special deck.
* $ * $
I did so. The wind blew my hat off, my hat ran
half-way up the street before I could catch it. I
caught it and clung to the rail. We were just pass-
ing a lightship; the land was vague behind; in front
there was nothing but wisps of smoke here and
there. Then I saw a fishing-smack, tossing like
anything ; its bows went down into the sea and then
jerked themselves fairly out of the sea, and this
process went on and on and on. And although I was
not aboard the smack, it disconcerted me. How-
ever, I said to myself, "How glad I am to be on a
nice firm steamer, instead of on that smack!" I
looked at my watch again. We seemed to have
been away from England about seven days, but it
was barely three-quarters of an hour. The offen-
sive man with the cigar went swaggering by. And
296 PARIS NIGHTS
then a steward came up out of the depths of the
sea with a tray full of glasses of beer, and a group
of men lolling in deck chairs started to drink this
beer. I cared not for the sight. I said to myself,
"I will go and sit down." And as I stepped for-
ward the deck seemed to sink away ever so slightly.
A trifle! Perhaps a delusion on my part! Surely
nothing so solid as that high road of a deck could
sink away! Having removed my portmanteau
from my chair, I sat down. The charming girl was
very pale, with eyes closed. Possibly asleep!
Many people had the air of being asleep. Every
chair was now occupied. Still, dozens of boastful
persons were walking to and fro, pretending to have
the easy sea-legs of Lord Charles Beresford. The
man with the atrocious cigar (that is, another atro-
cious cigar) swung by. Hateful individual! "You
wait a bit!" I said to him (in my mind). "You'll
see!"
I, too, shut my eyes, keeping very still. A grand
voyage! Certainly, a grand voyage! Then I woke
up. I had been asleep. It was tea-time. But I
would not have descended to that marble restaurant
for ten thousand pounds. For the first time I was
indifferent to tea in the afternoon. However, af-
ter another quarter of an hour, I had an access of
courage. I rose. I walked to the rail. The hori-
zon was behaving improperly. I saw that I had
made a mistake. But I dared not move. To move
would have been death. I clung to the rail. There
was my chair five yards off, but as inaccessible as
if it had been five miles off. Years passed. Pale
THE ISLE OF MAN 297
I must have been, but I retained my dignity. More
years rolled by. Then, by accident, I saw what re-
sembled a little cloud on the horizon.
It was the island! The mere sight of the island
gave me hope and strength, and cheek.
In half an hour — you will never guess it — I was
lighting a cigarette, partly for the benefit of the
charming young woman, and partly to show that
offensive man with the cigars that he was not the
Shah of Persia. He had not suffered. Confound
him!
IV
THE ISLAND BOARDING-HOUSE
When you first take up your brief residence in
the private hotel, as they term it — though I believe
it is still called boarding-house in the plain-spoken
island — your attitude towards your fellow-guests
is perfectly clear; I mean your secret attitude, of
course. Your secret attitude is that you have got
among a queer and an unsympathetic set of people.
At the first meal — especially if it be breakfast —
you glance at them all one by one out of the cor-
ners of your eyes, and in that shrewd way of yours
you add them up (being a more than average ex-
perienced judge of human nature), and you come
to the conclusion that you have seldom, if ever, en-
countered such a series of stupid and harsh faces.
The men seem heavy, if not greedy, and sunk in
mental sloth. And, really, the women might have
striven a little harder to avoid resembling guys.
After all, it is the duty of educated people not to
offend the gaze of their fellow-creatures. And as
for eating, do these men, in fact, live for naught but
eating? Here are perhaps fifty or sixty immortal
souls, and their unique concern, their united con-
cern, seems to be the gross satisfaction of the body.
Perhaps they do not have enough to eat at home,
you reflect ironically. And you also reflect that
298
THE ISLAND BOARDING HOUSE
THE BOARDING-HOUSE 299
some people, when they have contracted for bed and
full board at so much per day, become absolutely
lost to all sense of scruple, all sense of what is nice,
and would, if they could, eat the unfortunate land-
lord right into the bankruptcy court. Look at
that man there, near the window — doubtless, he ob-
tained his excellent place near the window by the
simple, colonizing method of grabbing it — well, he
has already apportioned to himself four Manx her-
rings, and now, with his mouth full, he is mumbling
about eggs and flesh meat.
And then their conversation! How dull! — how
lacking in point, in originality! These unhappy
people appear to have in their heads no ideas that
are not either trivial, tedious, or merely absurd.
They do not appear to be interested in any matters
that could interest a reasonable man. They babble,
saying over and over again the same things. Or if
they do not babble they giggle, or they may do
both, which is worse; and, indeed, the uproarious
way in which some of them laugh, upon no sufficient
provocation, is disagreeable, especially in a woman.
Or, if they neither babble, giggle, nor deafen the
room with their outrageous mirth, they sit glum,
speaking not a word, glowering upon humanity.
How English that is — and how rude!
Commonplace — that is what these people are! It
is not their fault, but it is nevertheless a pity; and
you resent it. Indubitably you are not in a sym-
pathetic environment; you are not among kindred
spirits. You grow haughty, within. When two
late comers enter breezily and take seats near to
300 PARIS NIGHTS
you, and one of them begins at once by remarking
that he is going to Port Erin for the day, and asks
you if you know Port Erin, you reply "No"; the
fact being that you have visited Port Erin, but the
fact also being that you shirk the prospect of a sus-
tained conversation with any of these too common-
place, uncomprehending strangers.
You rise and depart from the table, and you en-
deavour to make your exit as majestic as possible;
but there is a suspicion in your mind that your exit
is only sheepish.
You meet someone on the stairs, a woman less
like a guy than those you have seen, and still youth-
ful. As you are going upstairs and she is coming
down, and the two of you are staying in the same
house, you wonder whether it would not be well to
greet her. A simple "Good-morning." You
argue about this in your head for some ten years —
it is only in reality three seconds, but it seems eter-
nal. You feel it would be nice to say good-morn-
ing to her. But at the critical point, at the psycho-
logical moment, a hard feeling comes into your
heart, and a glazed blind look into your eyes, and
you glance away. You perceive that she is staring
straight in front of her; you perceive that she is
deliberately cutting you. And so the two of you
pass like ships in the night, and yet not quite like
ships in the night, because ships do not hate, de-
test, and despise.
You go out into the sunshine (if sunshine there
happens to be), between the plash of the waves
and the call of the boatman on the right hand, and
YOU MEET SOME ONE ON THE STAIRS (Pa^e 300)
THE BOARDING-HOUSE 301
the front doors of all the other boarding-houses on
the left, and you see that the other boarding-houses
are frequented by a much superior, smarter, more
intelligent, better-mannered set of pleasure-seek-
ers than yours. You feel by a sure premonition that
you are in for a dull time.
4 «* £ *
Nothing occurs for about forty-eight terrible
hours, during which time, with the most strict pro-
priety, you behave as though the other people in the
boarding-house did not exist. On several occasions
you have meant to exchange a few words with this
individual or that, but this individual or that has not
been encouraging, has made no advance. And you
are the last person to risk a rebuff. You are sen-
sitive, like all fine minds, to a degree which this
coarse clay in the boarding-house cannot conceive.
Then one afternoon something occurs. It usu-
ally does occur in the afternoon. You are in the
tram-car. About ten others are in the tram-car.
And among them you notice the man who put a
pistol to your head at the first meal and asked you
if you knew Port Erin ; also the young woman who
so arrogantly pretended that she did not see you on
the stairs. They are together. You had an idea
they were together in the boarding-house; but you
were not sure, because they seldom arrived in the
dining-room together, or left it together, and both
of them did a great deal of talking to other people.
Of course, you might have asked, but the matter did
not interest you; besides, you hate to seem inquisi-
tive. He is considerably older than she is; a hale,
302 PARIS NIGHTS
jolly, red-faced, grey bearded man, who probably
finds it easier to catch sight of his watch-chain than
of his toes. She is slim, and a little arch. If she is
his wife the difference between their ages is really
excessive.
The car in its passage gradually empties until
there is nobody in it save you and the conductor on
the platform and these two inside. And a minute
before it reaches the end of its journey the man
opens his cigar-case, and preparing a cigar for the
sacrificial burning, strolls along the car to the plat-
form.
"We're the last on the car," he says, between two
puffs, and not very articulately.
"Yes," you say. It is indubitable that you are
the last on the car. You needed nobody to tell you
that. Still, the information gives you pleasure,
and the fellow is rather jolly. So you add, ami-
ably, "I suppose it's these electric motors that are
giving the tram-cars beans."
He laughs. He evidently thinks you have ex-
pressed yourself in an amusing manner.
And inspecting the scarlet end of his cigar, he
says in a low voice: "I hope you're right. I've just
bought a packet of shares in that motor com-
pany."
"Really!" you exclaim. So he is a shareholder,
a member of the investing public! You are im-
pressed. Instantly you imagine him as a yery
wealthy man who knows how to look after his
money, and who has a hawk's eye for "a good
thing." You wish you had loose money that would
THE BOARDING-HOUSE 303
enable you to pick up a casual "packet of shares"
here and there.
The car stops. The lady gets out. You raise
your hat; it is the least you can do. Instead of
pretending that you are empty air, she smiles on
you charmingly, almost anxiously polite (perhaps
she wants to make up for having cut you on the
stairs), and offers you some remark about the
weather, a banal remark, but so prettily enveloped
in tissue paper and tied with pink ribbon, that you
treasure it.
Your common home is only fifty yards off. Ob-
viously you must reach it in company.
"My daughter here— " the grey-bearded man be-
gins a remark.
So she is his daughter. Rather interesting.
You talk freely, exposing all the most agreeable
and polite side of your disposition.
& £ # $
While preparing for dinner you reflect with sat-
isfaction and joy that at last you are on friendly
terms with somebody in the house. You anticipate
the dinner with eagerness. You regard the father
and daughter somewhat as palm trees in the desert.
During dinner you talk to them a great deal, and
insensibly you find yourself exchanging remarks
with other guests.
They are not so bad as they seemed, perhaps.
Anyhow, one ought to make the best of things.
£ $ * $
A whisky that night with the father! In the
course of the whisky you contrive to let him gather
304 PARIS NIGHTS
that you, too, keep an eye on the share-market, and
that you have travelled a great deal. In another
twenty- four hours you are perfectly at home in the
boarding-house, greeting people all over the place,
and even stopping on the stairs to converse.
Rather a jolly house! Really, some very decent
people here, indeed! Of course there are also some
with whom the ice is never broken. To the end you
and they glaringly and fiercely pretend to be blind
when you meet. You reconcile yourself to this;
you harden yourself. As for new-comers, you wish
they would not be so stiff and so absurdly aristo-
cratic. You take pity on them, poor things !
But father and daughter remain your chief
stand-by. They overstay you (certainly unlimited
wealth), and they actually have the delightful idea
of seeing you off at the station. You part on terms
that are effusive. You feel you have made friends
for life — and first-class friends. You are to meet
them again; you have sworn it.
By the time you get home you have forgotten
all about them.
TEN HOURS AT BLACKPOOL
Manchester is a right place to start from. And
the vastness of Victoria Station — more like Lon-
don than any other phenomenon in Manchester —
with its score of platforms, and its subways ro-
mantically lighted by red lamps and beckoning pale
hands, and its crowds eternally surging up and
down granitic flights of stairs — the vastness of this
roaring spot prepares you better than anything else
could for the dimensions and the loudness of your
destination. The Blackpool excursionists fill the
twelfth platform from end to end, waiting with
bags and baskets : a multitude of well-marked types,
some of the men rather violently smart as to their
socks and neckties, but for the most part showing
that defiant disregard of appearances which is per-
haps the worst trait of the Midland character. The
women seem particularly unattractive in their mack-
intoshed blousiness — so much so that the mere con-
tinuance of the race is a proof that they must pos-
sess secret qualities which render them irresistible;
they evidently consult their oculists to the neglect of
their dentists : which is singular, and would be dan-
gerous to the social success of any other type of
woman.
"I never did see such a coal-cellar, not in all my
305
306 PARIS NIGHTS
days!" exclaims one lady, apparently outraged by
sights seen in house-hunting.
And a middle-aged tradesman (or possibly he
was an insurance agent) remarks: "What I say is
— the man who doesn't appreciate sterling generos-
ity— is no man!"
Such fragments of conversation illustrate the
fine out-and-out idiosyncrasy of the Midlands.
The train comes forward like a victim, and in an
instant is captured, and in another instant is gone,
leaving an empty platform. These people ruth-
lessly know what they want. And for miles and
many miles the train skims over canals, and tram-
cars, and yards, and back-streets, and at intervals
you glimpse a young woman with her hair in pins
kneeling in sack-cloth to wash a grimy doorstep.
And you feel convinced that in an hour or two,
when she has "done," that young woman, too, will
be in Blackpool ; or, if not she, at any rate her sister.
# * # #
The station of arrival is enormous; and it is as
though all the passenger rolling-stock of the entire
country had had an important rendezvous there.
And there are about three cabs. This is not the
town of cabs. On every horizon you see floating
terrific tramcars which seat ninety people and which
ought to be baptised Lusitania and Baltic.
You wander with your fellow men down a long
street of cookshops with calligraphic and unde-
cipherable menus, and at every shopdoor is a loud-
tongued man to persuade you that his is the gate
of paradise and the entrance to the finest shilling
BLACKPOOL 307
dinner in Blackpool. But you have not the cour-
age of his convictions; though you would like to
partake of the finest shilling dinner, you dare not,
with your southern stomach in rebellion against you.
You slip miserably into the Hotel Majestic, and
glide through many Lincrusta- Walton passages to
an immense, empty smoking-room, where there is
one barmaid and one waiter. You dare not even
face the bar. ... In the end the waiter
chooses your aperitif for you, and you might be in
London. The waiter, agreeably embittered by ex-
istence, tells you all about everything.
"This hotel used to be smaller," he says. "A
hundred and twenty. A nice select party, you
know. Now it's all changed. Our better-class
clients have taken houses at St. Anne's. . . .
Jews! I should say so! Two hundred and fifty
out of three hundred in August. Some of 'em all
right, of course, but they try to own the place.
They come in for tea, or it may be a small ginger
with plenty of lemon and ice, and when they've had
that they've had their principal drink for the day.
. . . The lift is altered from hydraulic to elec-
tricity . . . years ago . . ."
Meanwhile a client who obviously knows his way
about has taken possession of the bar and the bar-
maid.
"I've changed my frock, you see," says she.
"Changed it down here?" he demands.
"Yes. Well, I've been ironing . . . Oh!
You monkey!"
In a mirror you catch her delicately chucking
308 PARIS NIGHTS
him under the chin. And, feeling that this kind of
thing is not special to Blackpool, that it in fact
might happen anywhere, you decide that it is time
to lunch and leave the oasis of the Majestic and con-
front Blackpool once more.
£ £ £ £
The Fair Ground is several miles off, and on the
way are three piers, loaded with toothless young
women flirting, and with middle-aged women dili-
gently crocheting or knitting. Millions of stitches
must be accomplished to every waltz that the bands
play; and perhaps every second a sock is finished.
But you may not linger on any pier. There is the
longest sea-promenade in Europe to be stepped.
As you leave the shopping quarter and undertake
the vista of ten thousand boarding-house windows
(in each of which is a white table full of knives and
forks and sauce-bottles) you are enheartened by a
banneret curving in the breeze with these words:
"Flor de Higginbotham. The cigar that you come
back for. 2d." You know that you will, indeed,
come back for it. ... At last, footsore, amid
a maze of gliding trams, your vision dizzy with the
passing and re-passing of trams, you arrive at the
Fair Ground. And the first thing you see is a
woman knitting on a campstool as she guards the
booth of a spiritualistic medium. The next is a
procession of people each carrying a doormat and
climbing up the central staircase of a huge light-
house, and another procession of people, each sit-
ting on a doormat and sliding down a corkscrew
shoot that encircles the lighthouse. Why a light-
BLACKPOOL 309
house? A gigantic simulation of a bottle of Bass
would have been better.
The scenic railway and the switchback surpass all
previous dimensions in their kind. Some other
method of locomotion is described as "half a mile of
jolly fun." And the bowl-slide is "a riot of joy."
"Joy" is the key-word of the Fair Ground. You
travel on planks over loose, unkempt sand, and un-
der tethered circling Maxim aeroplanes, from one
joy to the next. In the House of Nonsense, "joy
reigns supreme." Giggling also reigns supreme.
The "human spider," with a young woman's face,
is a source of joy, and guaranteed by a stentorian
sailor to be alive. Another genuine source of joy
is " 'Dante's Inferno' up to date." Another enor-
mous booth, made mysterious, is announced as "the
home of superior enjoyments." Near by is the
abode of the two-headed giant, as to whom it is
shouted upon oath that "he had a brother which
lived to the height of twelve foot seven." Then
you come to the destructive section, offering joy
still more vivid. Here by kicking a football you
may destroy images of your fellow men. Or — ex-
quisitely democratic invention — you can throw
deadly missiles at life-sized dolls that fly round and
round in life-sized motor-cars: genius is, in fact,
abroad on the Fair Ground.
All this is nothing compared to the joy- wheel,
certainly the sublimest device for getting money
and giving value for it that a student of human na-
ture ever hit upon. You pay threepence for ad-
mittance into the booth of the joy- wheel, and upon
310 PARIS NIGHTS
entering you are specially informed that you need
not practise the joy- wheel unless you like; it is your
privilege to sit and watch. Having sat down, there
is no reason why you should ever get up again, so
diverting is the spectacle of a crowd of young men
and boys clinging to each other on a large revolving
floor and endeavouring to defy the centrifugal
force. Every time a youth is flung against the
cushions at the side you grin, and if a thousand
youths were thrown off, your thousandth grin
would be as hearty as the first. The secret thought
of every spectator is that a mixture of men and
maidens would be even more amusing. A bell
rings, and the floor is cleared, and you anticipate
hopefully, but the word is for children only, and
you are somewhat dashed, though still inordinately
amused. Then another bell, and you hope again,
and the word is for ladies only. The ladies rush
on to the floor with a fearful alacrity, and are flung
rudely off it by an unrespecting centrifugal force
(which alone the attendant, acrobatic and stately,
can dominate) ; they slide away in all postures, head
over heels, shrieking, but the angel of decency seems
to watch over their skirts. . . . And at length
the word is for ladies and gentlemen together, and
the onslaught is frantic. The ladies and gentle-
men, to the number of a score or so, clutch at each
other, making a bouquet of trousers and petticoats
in the centre of the floor. The revolutions com-
mence, and gain in rapidity, and couple after cou-
ple is shot off, yelling, to the periphery. They en-
joy it. Oh! They enjoy it! The ladies, aban-
BLACKPOOL 311
doning themselves to dynamic law, slither away
with closed eyes and muscles relaxed in a voluptu-
ous languor. And then the attendant, braving the
peril of the wheel, leaps to the middle, and taking
a lady in his arms, exhibits to the swains how it is
possible to keep oneself in the centre and keep one's
damsel there too. And then, with a bow, he hands
the lady back to her lawful possessor. Nothing
could be more English, or more agreeable, than the
curious contradiction of frank abandonment and
chaste simplicity which characterises this extraordi-
nary exhibition. It is a perfect revelation of the
Anglo-Saxon temperament, and would absolutely
baffle any one of Latin race. . . . You leave
here because you must ; you tear yourself away and
return to the limitless beach, where the sea is going
nonchalantly about its business just as if human
progress had not got as far as the joy-wheel.
£ $ # *
After you have gone back for the cigar, and
faced the question of the man on the kerb, "Who
says Blackpool rock?" and eaten high tea in a res-
taurant more gilded than the Trocadero, and vis-
ited the menagerie, and ascended to the top of the
Tower in order to be badgered by rather nice girl-
touts with a living to make and a powerful determi-
nation to make it, and seen the blue turn to deep
purple over the sea, you reach at length the danc-
ing-halls, which are the justification of Blackpool's
existence. Blackpool is an ugly town, mean in
its vastness, but its dancing-halls present a beautiful
spectacle. You push your way up crowded stairs
PARIS NIGHTS
into crowded galleries, where the attendants are
persuasive as with children— ''Please don't smoke
here» — and you see the throng from Victoria Sta-
tion and a thousand other stations in its evening
glory of drooping millinery and fragile blouses,
though toothless as ever. You see it in a palatial
and enormous setting of crystal and gold under a
ceiling like the firmament. And you struggle to
the edge and look over, and see, beneath, the glit-
tering "floor covered with couples in a strange array
of straw hats and caps, and knickers, and tennis
shoes, and scarcely a glove among the five hundred
of them. Only the serio-comic M.C., with a deli-
cately waved wand, conforms to the fashion of
London. He has his hands full, has that M.C., as
he trips to and fro, calling, with a curious stress
and pause: "One — more couple please! One —
more couple please !" And then the music pulsates
—does really pulsate — and releases the multitude.
. . . It is a sight to stir emotion. The waltz is
even better. And then beings perched in the lofti-
est corners of the roof shoot coloured rays upon the
floor, and paper snow begins to fall, and confetti to
fly about, and eyes to soften and allure. . . .
And all around are subsidiary halls, equally re-
splendent, where people are drinking, or lounging,
or flirting, or gloating over acrobats, monkeys and
ballerinas. The tiger roars, the fountain tin-
kles, the corks go pop, the air is alive with music
and giggling, the photographer cries his invitation,
and everywhere there is the patter of animated feet
and the contagion of a barbaric and honest gaiety.
BLACKPOOL 313
Brains and imagination are behind this colossal phe-
nomenon. For sixpence you can form part of it;
for sixpence you can have delight, if you are young
and simple and lusty enough. This is the huge
flower that springs from the horrid bed of the factory
system. Human creatures are half-timers for this ;
they are knocked up at 5.30 A.M. in winter for this;
they go on strike for this; they endure for eleven
months and three weeks for this. They all earn
their living by hard and repulsive work, and here
they are in splendour! They will work hard at joy
till they drop from exhaustion. You can see men
and women fast asleep on the plush, supporting
each other's heads in the attitudes of affection.
The railway stations and the night-trains are wait-
ing for these.
THE BRITISH HOME— 1908
AN EVENING AT THE SMITHS'
Mr. Smith returns to his home of an evening
at 6:30. Mr. Smith's home is in a fairly long
street, containing some dozens of homes exactly
like Mr. Smith's. It has a drawing-room and a
dining-room, two or three bedrooms, and one or
two attics, also a narrow hall (with stained glass
in the front door) , a kitchen, a bathroom, a front
garden, and a back garden. It has a service of
gas and of water, and excellent drains. The
kitchen range incidentally heats the water for the
bathroom, so that the; bath water is hottest at about
noon on Sundays, when nobody wants it, and cold-
est first thing in the morning, and last thing at
night, when everybody wants it. (This is a de-
tail. The fact remains that when hot water is
really required it can always be had by cooking a
joint of beef.)
The house and its two gardens are absolutely
private. The front garden is made private by iron
rails; its sole purposes are to withdraw the house
a little from the road and to enable the servant
to fill up her spare time by washing tiles. The
back garden is made private by match-boarding.
The house itself is made private by a mysterious
substance unsurpassed as a conductor of sound.
317
318 PARIS NIGHTS
Mr. Smith's home is adequately furnished.
There may be two beds in a room, but each person
has a bed. Carpets are everywhere; easy chairs
and a sofa do not lack; linen is sufficient; crockery
is plenteous. As for cutlery, Mr. Smith belongs
to the only race in the world which allows itself
a fresh knife and fork to each course of a meal.
The drawing-room is the best apartment and the
least used, It has a piano, but, as the drawing-
room fire is not a constant phenomenon, pianists
can only practise with regularity and comfort dur-
ing four months of the year — hence, perhaps, a
certain mediocrity of performance.
Mr. Smith sits down to tea in the dining-room.
According to fashionable newspapers, tea as a
square meal has quite expired in England. On
six days a week, however, tea still constitutes the
chief repast in about 99 per cent, of English
homes. At th^ table are Mrs. Smith and three
children — John, aged 25; Mary, aged 22; and
Harry, aged 15. For I must inform you that
Mr. Smith is 50, and his wife is very near 50.
Mr. Smith gazes round at his home, his wife, and
his children. He has been at work in the world
for 34 years, and this spectacle is what he has to
show for his labour. It is his reward. It is the
supreme result. He hurries through his breakfast,
and spends seven industrious hours at the works
in order that he may have tea nicely with his own
family in his own home of a night.
Well, the food is wholesome and sufficient, and
they are all neat and honest, and healthy — except
AN EVENING AT SMITHS' 319
Mrs. Smith, whose health is not what it ought to
be. Mr. Smith conceals his pride in his children,
but the pride is there. Impossible that he should
not be proud! He has the right to be proud.
John is a personable young man, earning more
and more every year. Mary is charming in her
pleasant blouse, and Harry is getting enormous,
and will soon be leaving school.
£ # £ £
This tea, which is the daily blossoming-time of
the home that Mr. Smith and his wife have con-
structed with 26 years' continual effort, ought to
be a very agreeable affair. Surely the materials
for pleasure are present! But it does not seem to
be a very agreeable meal. There is no regular
conversation. Everybody has the air of being pre-
occupied with his own affairs. A long stretch of
silence; then some chaffing or sardonic remark by
one child to another; then another silence; then
a monosyllable from Mr. Smith; then another
silence.
No subject of wide interest is ever seriously ar-
gued at that table. No discussion is ever under-
taken for the sake of discussion. It has never
occurred to anyone named Smith that conversa-
tion in general is an art and may be a diverting
pastime, and that conversation at table is a duty.
Besides, conversation is nourished on books, and
books are rarer than teaspoons in that home. Fur-
ther, at back of the excellent, honest, and clean
mind of every Smith is the notion that politeness
is something that one owes only to strangers.
320 PARIS NIGHTS
When tea is over — and it is soon over — young
John Smith silently departs to another home, very
like his own, in the next street but one. In that
other home is a girl whom John sincerely considers
to be the pearl of womanhood. In a few months
John, inspired and aided by this pearl, will em-
bark in business for himself as constructor of a
home.
Mary Smith wanders silently and inconspicu-
ously into the drawing-room (it being, as you
know summer) and caresses the piano in an ex-
pectant manner. John's views as to the identity
of the pearl of womanhood are not shared by an-
other young man who lives not very far off. This
other young man has no doubt whatever that the
pearl of womanhood is precisely Mary Smith (an
idea which had never entered John's head) ; and
he comes to see Mary every night, with the per-
mission of her parents. The pair are, in fact,
engaged. Probably Mary opens the door for him,
in which case they go straight to the drawing-room.
(One is glad to think that, after all, the drawing-
room is turning out useful.) Young Henry has
disappeared from human ken.
* & & #
Mr. Smith and wife remain in the dining-room,
separated from each other by a newspaper, which
Mr. Smith is ostensibly reading. I say "osten-
sibly," for what Mr. Smith is really reading on the
page of the newspaper is this: "I shall have to
give something to John, something pretty hand-
some. Of course, there's no question of a dowry
AN EVENING AT SMITHS' 321
with Mary, but I shall have to give something hand-
some to her, too. And weddings cost money.
And I have no savings, except my insurance." He
keeps on reading this in every column. It is true.
He is still worried ahout money, as he was 26 years
ago. He has lived hard and honourably, ever at
strain, and never had a moment's true peace of
mind: once it was the fear of losing his situation;
now it is the fear of his business going wrong;
always it has been the tendency of expenditure to
increase. The fruit of his ancient immense desire
to have Mrs. Smith is now ripe for falling. The
home which he and she have built is finished now,
and is to be disintegrated. And John and Mary
are about to begin again what their parents once
began. I can almost hear Mr. Smith plaintively
asking the newspaper, as he thinks over the
achieved enterprise of his home: Has it been a suc-
cess? Is it a success?
II
THE GEEAT MANNERS QUESTION
Let us forget that it is a home. Let us con-
ceive it as a small collection of people living in
the same house. They are together by accident
rather than by design, and they remain together
rather by inertia than by the fitness of things.
Supposing that the adult occupants of the average
house had to begin domestic life again (I do not
speak of husbands and wives) , and were effectively
free to choose their companions, it is highly im-
probable that they would choose the particular
crew of which they form part ; it is practically cer-
tain that they would not choose it in its entirety.
However, there they are, together, every day,
every night, on a space of ground not perhaps more
than twenty feet by twenty feet — often less. To
find room to separate a little they live in layers,
and it is the servant who is nearest heaven. That
is how you must look at them.
Now it is, broadly speaking, a universal char-
acteristic of this strange community that the mem-
bers of it can depend upon each other in a crisis.
They are what is called "loyal" to an extraordinary
degree. Let one of them fall ill, and he can ab-
solutely rely on tireless nursing.
Again, let one of them get into trouble, and his
THE MANNERS QUESTION 323
companions will stand by him, and if they cannot,
or will not, help him materially, they will, at any
rate, make sympathetic excuses for not doing so.
Or let one of them suffer a loss, and he will in-
stantly be surrounded by all the consolations that
kindness can invent. Or let one of them be ill-
spoken of, and every individual of the community
will defend him, usually with heat, always with
conviction.
^ «* at #
But I have drawn only the foul-weather picture.
We come to the fine-weather picture. Imagine a
stranger from the moon, to whom I had quite truth-
fully described the great qualities of this strange
community presided over by Mr. Smith — imagine
him invisibly introduced into the said community!
You can fancy the lunatic's astonishment! In-
stead of heaven he would decidedly consider that
he had strayed into an armed camp, or into a cage
of porcupines. He would conclude, being a lun-
atic, that the members of the community either
hated each other, or at best suffered the sight of
each other only as a supreme act of toleration.
He would hear surly voices, curt demands, impo-
lite answers ; and if he did not hear amazing silences
it would be because you cannot physically hear a
silence.
He would no doubt think that the truth was not
in me. He would remonstrate: "But you told
me—"
Then I should justify myself: ' 'In a crisis,' I
said, my dear gentleman from the moon. I said
324 PARIS NIGHTS
nothing about ordinary daily life. Now you see
this well-favoured girl who has been nagging at
her brother all through tea because of some omis-
sion or commission — I can assure you that if, for
instance, her brother had typhoid fever that girl
would nurse him with the devotion of a saint.
Similarly, if she lost her sweetheart by death or
breach of promise, he would envelope her in
brotherly affection."
"How often does he have typhoid fever?" the
lunatic might ask. "Once a month?"
"Well," I should answer, "he hasn't had it yet.
But if he had it — you see!"
"And does she frequently get thrown over?"
"Oh, no! Her young man worships her. She
is to be married next spring. But if — "
"And so, while waiting for crises and disasters,
they go on — like this?"
"Yes," I should defend my fellow-terrestrials.
"But you must not jump to the conclusion that
they are always like this. They can be just as
nice as anybody. They are perfectly charming,
really."
"Well, then," he might inquire, "how do they
justify this behaviour to one another?"
"By the hazard of birth," I should reply, "or by
the equally great hazard of marriage. With us,
when you happen to have the same father and
mother, or even the same uncle, or when you hap-
pen to be married, it is generally considered that
you may abandon the forms of politeness and the
THE MANNERS QUESTION 325
expressions of sympathy, and that you have an un-
limited right of criticism."
"I should have thought precisely the contrary,"
he would probably say, being a lunatic.
The lunatic having been allowed to depart, I
should like to ask the Smiths — middle-aged Mr.
Smith and Mrs. Smith — a question somewhat in
these terms: "What is the uppermost, the most
frequent feeling in your minds about this com-
munity which you call 'home'? You needn't tell
me that you love it, that it is the dearest place on
earth, that no other place could ever have quite
the same, etc., etc. I know all about that. I ad-
mit it. Is not your uppermost, commonest feel-
ing a feeling that it is rather a tedious, tiresome
place, and that the human components of it are
excellent persons, BUT ... and that really
you have had a great deal to put up with?"
In reply, do not be sentimental, be hon-
est. . . .
Such being your impression of home (not your
deepest, but your most obvious impression), can
it fairly be stated that the home of the Smiths is
a success?
# # * #
There are two traits which have prevented the
home of the Smiths from being a complete suc-
cess, from being that success which both Mr. and
Mrs. Smith fully intended to achieve when they
started, and which young John and young Mary
fully intend to achieve when they at length start
326 PARIS NIGHTS
without having decided precisely how they will do
better than their elders. The first is British inde-
pendence of action, which causes the owner of a
Britsh temperament to seek to combine the ad-
vantages of anarchical solitude with the advantages
of a community: impossible feat! In the home of
the Smiths each room is a separate Norman for-
tress, sheltering an individuality that will be un-
trammelled or perish.
And the second is the unchangeable conviction
at the bottom of every Briton's heart that formal
politeness in intimacy is insincere. This is espe-
cially true of the Midlands and the North. When
I left the Midlands and went South, I truly
thought, for several days, that Southerners were
a hypocritical lot, just because they said, "If you
wouldn't mind moving," instead of "Now, then,
out of it!" Gruff ness and the malicious satisfac-
tion of candid gratuitous criticism are the root of
the evil in the home of the Smiths. And the con-
sequences of them are very much more serious
than the Smiths in their gruffness imagine.
Ill
SPENDING AND GETTING VALUE
I now allude to those financial harassments
which have been a marked feature of the home
founded and managed by Mr. Smith, who has
been eternally worried about money. The children
have grown up in this atmosphere of fiscal anxiety,
accustomed to the everlasting question whether
ends will meet; accustomed to the everlasting de-
bate whether a certain thing can be afforded. And
nearly every house in the street where the Smiths
live is in the same case.
Why is this? Is it that incomes are lower and
commodities and taxes higher in England than in
other large European countries? No; the con-
trary is the fact. In no large European country
will money go so far as in England. Is it that
the English race is deficient in financial skill?
England is the only large European country which
genuinely balances its national budget every year
and regularly liquidates its debts.
I wish to hint to Mr. Smith that he differs in
one very important respect from the Mr. Smith
of France, and the Mr. Smith of Germany, his
only serious rivals. In the matter of money, he
always asks himself, not how little he can spend,
but how much he can spend. At the end of a life-
328 PARIS NIGHTS
time the result is apparent. Or when he has a
daughter to marry off, the result is apparent. In
England economy is a virtue. In France, for ex-
ample, it is merely a habit.
# # * #
Mr. Smith is extravagant. He has an extrava-
gant way of looking at life. On his own plane
Mr. Smith is a haughty nobleman of old days; he
is royal; he is a born hangman of expense.
"What?" cries Mr. Smith, furioua "Me ex-
travagant! Why, I have always been most care-
ful! I have had to be, with my income!"
He may protest. But I am right. The very
tone with which he says: "With my income!" gives
Mr. Smith away. What is the matter with Mr.
Smith's income? Has it been less than the aver-
age? Not at all. The only thing that is the mat-
ter with Mr. Smith's income is that he has never
accepted it as a hard, prosaic fact. He has always
pretended that it was a magic income, with which
miracles could be performed. He has always been
trying to pour two pints and a gill out of a quart
pot. He has always hoped that luck would befall
him. On a hundred and fifty a year he ever en-
deavoured to live as though he had two hundred.
And so on, as his income increased.
When he married he began by taking the high-
est-rented house that he could possibly afford, in-
stead of the cheapest that he could possibly do with,
and he has been going on ever since in the same
style— creating an effect, cutting a figure.
SPENDING 329
This system of living, the English system, has
indubitable advantages. It encourages enterprise
and prevents fossilisation. It gives dramatic in-
terest to existence. And, after all, though at the
age of 50 Mr. Smith possesses little beside a house-
ful of furniture and his insurance policy, he can
say that he has had something for his money every
year and every day of the year. He can truth-
fully say, when charged with having "eaten his
cake," that a cake is a futile thing till it is eaten.
The French system has disadvantages. The
French Mr. Smith does not try to make money,
he tries merely to save it. He shrinks from the
perils of enterprise. He does not want to create.
He frequently becomes parsimonious, and he may
postpone the attempt to get some fun out of life
until he is past the capacity for fun.
On the other hand, the financial independence
with which his habits endow him is a very precious
thing. One finds it everywhere in France ; it is in-
stinctive in the attitude of the average man. That
chronic tightness has often led Mr. Smith to make
unpleasing compromises with his dignity; such
compromises are rarer in France. Take a person
into your employ in France, even the humblest,
and you will soon find out how the habit of a mar-
gin affects the demeanour of the employed. Per-
sonally, I have often been inconvenienced by this
in France. But I have liked it. After all, one
prefers to be dealing with people who can call their
souls their own.
330 P'ARIS NIGHTS
Mr. Smith need not go to the extremes of the
extremists in France, but he might advantageously
go a long way towards them. He ought to recon-
cile himself definitely to his income. He ought to
cease his constant attempt to perform miracles with
his income. It is really not pleasant for him to
be fixed as he is at the age of fifty, worried be-
cause he has to provide wedding presents for his
son and his daughter. And how can he preach
thrift to his son John? John knows his father.
There is another, and an even more ticklish,
point. It being notorious that Mr. Smith spends
too much money, let us ask whether Mr. Smith gets
value for the money he spends. I must again com-
pare with France, whose homes I know. Now,
as regards solid, standing comfort, there is no com-
parison between Mr. Smith's home and the home
of the French Mr. Smith. Our Mr. Smith wins.
His standard is higher. He has more room, more
rooms, more hygiene, and more general facilities
for putting himself at his ease.
£ £ # £
But these contrivances, once acquired, do not
involve a regular outlay, except so far as they af-
fect rent. And in the household budget rent is a
less important item than food and cleansing. Now,
the raw materials of the stuff necessary to keep a
household healthily alive cost more in France than
in England. And the French Mr. Smith's income
is a little less than our Mr. Smith's. Yet the
French Mr. Smith, while sitting on a less comfort-
able chair in a smaller room, most decidedly con-
SPENDING 331
sumes better meals than our Mr. Smith. In other
words, he lives better.
I have often asked myself, in observing the fam-
ily life of Monsieur and Madame Smith: "How on
earth do they do it?" Only one explanation is pos-
sible. They understand better how to run a house
economically in France than we do in England.
Now Mrs. Smith in her turn cries : "Me extrava-
gant?"
Yes, relatively, extravagant! It is a hard say-
ing, but, I believe, a true one. Extravagance is
in the air of England. A person always in a room
where there is a slight escape of gas does not smell
the gas — until he has been out for a walk and re-
turned. So it is with us.
As for you, Mrs. Smith, I would not presume to
say in what you are extravagant. But I guaran-
tee that Madame Smith would "do it on less."
The enormous periodical literature now devoted
largely to hints on household management shows
that we, perhaps unconsciously, realise a defect.
You don't find this literature in France. They
don't seem to need it.
IV
THE PARENTS
Let us look at Mr. and Mrs. Smith one evening
when they are by themselves, leaving the children
entirely out of account. For in addition to being
father and mother, they are husband and wife.
Not that I wish to examine the whole institution
of marriage — people who dare to do so deserve
the Victoria Cross ! My concern is simply with the
effects of the organisation of the home — on mar-
riage and other things.
Well, you see them together. Mr. Smith has
done earning money for the day, and Mrs. Smith
has done spending it. They are at leisure to en-
joy this home of theirs. This is what Mr. Smith
passes seven hours a day at business for. This
is what he got married for. This is what he wanted
when he decided to take Mrs. Smith, if he could
get her. These hours ought to be the flower of
their joint life. How are these hours affected by
the organisation of the home?
I will tell you how Mrs. Smith is affected. Mrs.
Smith is worried by it. And in addition she is
conscious that her efforts are imperfectly appreci-
ated, and her difficulties unrealised. As regards
the directing and daily recreation of the home, Mr.
Smith's attitude on this evening by the domestic
332
THE PARENTS 333
hearth is at best one of armed neutrality. His
criticism is seldom other than destructive. Mr.
Smith is a strange man. If he went to a lot of
trouble to get a small holding under the Small
Holdings Act, and then left the cultivation of the
ground to another person not scientifically trained
to agriculture he would be looked upon as a ninny.
When a man takes up a hobby, he ought surely
to be terrifically interested in it. What is Mr.
Smith's home but his hobby?
£ «* £ &
He has put Mrs. Smith in to manage it. He
himself, once a quarter, discharges the complicated
and delicate function of paying the rent. All the
rest, the little matters, such as victualling and
brightening — trifles, nothings! — he leaves to Mrs.
Smith. He is not satisfied with Mrs. Smith's ac-
tivities, and he does not disguise the fact. He is
convinced that Mrs. Smith spends too much, and
that she is not businesslike. He is convinced that
running a house is child's play compared to what
he has to do. Now, as to Mrs. Smith being un-
businesslike, is Mr. Smith himself businesslike? If
he is, he greatly differs from his companions in
the second-class smoker. The average office and
the average works are emphatically not run on
business lines, except in theory. Daily experi-
ence proves this. The businesslikeness of the aver-
age business man is a vast and hollow pretence.
Besides, who could expect Mrs. Smith to be
businesslike? She was never taught to be business-
like. Mr* Smith was apprenticed, or indentured,
334 PARIS NIGHTS
to his vocation. But Mrs. Smith wasn't. Mrs.
Smith has to feed a family, and doesn't know the
principles of diet. She has to keep children in
health, and couldn't describe their organs to save
her life. She has to make herself and the home
agreeable to the eye, and knows nothing artistic
about colour or form.
I am an ardent advocate of Mrs. Smith. The
marvel is not that Mrs. Smith does so badly, but
that she does so well. If women were not more
conscientious than men in their duties Mr. Smith's
home would be more amateurish than it is, and Mr.
Smith's "moods" more frequent than they are.
For Mrs. Smith is amateurish. Example: Mrs.
Smith is bothered to death by the daily question,
What can we have for dinner? She splits her head
in two in order to avoid monotony. Mrs. Smith's
repertoire probably consists of about 50 dishes,
and if she could recall them all to her mind at once
her task would be much simplified. But she can't
think of them when she wants to think of them.
Supposing that in Mrs. Smith's kitchen hung a
card containing a list of all her dishes, she could
run her eyes over it and choose instantly what
dishes would suit that day's larder. Did you ever
see such a list in Mrs. Smith's kitchen? No. The
idea has not occurred to Mrs. Smith!
I say also that to spend money efficiently is quite
as difficult as to earn it efficiently. Any fool can,
somehow, earn a sovereign, but to get value for a
sovereign in small purchases means skill and im-
mense knowledge. Mr. Smith has never had ex-
THE PARENTS 335
perience of the difficulty of spending money ef-
ficiently. Most of Mr. Smith's payments are fixed
and mechanical. Mrs. Smith is the spender. Mr.
Smith chiefly exercises his skill as a spender in his
clothes and in tobacco. Look at the result. Any
showy necktie shop and furiously-advertised to-
bacco is capable of hood-winking Mr. Smith.
«* # # #
In further comparison of their respective "jobs"
it has to be noted that Mrs. Smith's is rendered
doubly difficult by the fact that she is always at
close quarters with the caprices of human nature.
Mrs. Smith is continually bumping up against hu-
man nature in various manifestations. The hu-
man butcher-boy may arrive late owing to marbles,
and so the dinner must either be late or the meat
undercooked; or Mr. Smith, through too much
smoking, may have lost his appetite, and veal out
of Paradise wouldn't please him! Mrs. Smith's
job is transcendently delicate.
In fine, though Mrs. Smith's job is perhaps not
quite so difficult as she fancies it to be, it is much
more difficult than Mr. Smith fancies it to be.
And if it is not as well done as she thinks, it is much
better done than Mr. Smith thinks. But she will
never persuade Mr. Smith that he is wrong until
Mr. Smith condescends to know what he is talking
about in the discussion of household matters. Mr.
Smith's opportunities of criticism are far too am-
ple ; or, at any rate, he makes use of them unfairly,
and not as a man of honour. Supposing that Mrs.
Smith finished all her work at four o'clock, and was
336 PARIS NIGHTS
free to stroll into Mr. Smith's place of business
and criticise there everything that did not please
her! (It is true that she wouldn't know what she
was talking about; but neither does Mr. Smith at
home ; at home Mr. Smith finds pride in not know-
ing what he is talking about.) Mr. Smith would
have a bit of a "time" between four and six.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith are united by a genuine af-
fection. But their secret attitudes on the subject
of home management cause that affection, by a
constant slight friction, to wear thin. It must be
so. And it will be so until (a) Mr. Smith deigns
to learn the business of his home; (b) Mr. Smith
ceases to expect Mrs. Smith to perform miracles;
(c) Mrs. Smith ceases to be an amateur in domes-
tic economy — i. e., until domestic economy becomes
the principal subject in the upper forms of the
average girls' school.
At present the organisation of the home is an
agency against the triumph of marriage as an in-
stitution.
HARRY'S POINT or VIEW
You may have forgotten young Harry Smith,
whom I casually mentioned in my first section, the
schoolboy of fifteen. I should not be surprised to
hear that you had forgotten him. He is often for-
gotten in the home of the Smiths. Compared with
Mr. Smith, the creator of the home, or with the
lordly eldest son John, who earns his own living and
is nearly engaged, or with Mary, who actually is en-
gaged, young Harry is unimportant. Still, his
case is very interesting, and his own personal im-
pression of the home of the Smiths must be of
value.
Is Harry Smith happy in the home? Of course,
one would not expect him to be perfectly happy.
But is he as happy as circumstances in themselves
allow? My firm answer is that he is not. I am
entirely certain that on the whole Harry Smith
regards home as a fag, a grind, and a bore. Mr.
Smith, on reading these lines, is furious, and Mrs.
Smith is hurt. What! Our dear Harry experi-
ences tedium and disappointment with his dear pa-
rents? Nonsense!
The fact is, no parents will believe that their
children are avoidably unhappy. It is universally
agreed nowadays, that children in the eighteenth
337
338
PARIS NIGHTS
century, and in the first half of the nineteenth,
had a pretty bad time under the sway of their el-
ders. But the parent of those epochs would have
been indignant at any accusation of ill-treatment.
He would have called his sway beneficent and his
affection doting. The same with Mr. and Mrs.
Smith! Now, I do not mean, Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
that you crudely ill-treat your son, tying him to
posts, depriving him of sleep, or pulling chestnuts
out of the fire with his fingers. (See reports of
S.P.C.C.) A thousand times, no! You are soft-
hearted. Mrs. Smith is occasionally somewhat too
soft-hearted. Still, I maintain that you ill-treat
Harry in a very subtle, moral way, by being funda-
mentally unjust to him in your own minds.
£ «* ^ #
Just look at your Harry, my excellent and con-
scientious Mr. Smith. He is all alive there, a real
human being, not a mechanical doll; he has feelings
just like yours, only, perhaps, more sensitive. He
finds himself in a world which — well, of which the
less said the better. You know what the world is,
Mr. Smith, and you have often said what you know.
He is in this world, and he can't get out of it. You
have started him on the dubious adventure, and he
has got to go through with it. And what is the
reason of his being here? Did you start him out of
a desire to raise citizens for the greatest of empires?
Did you imagine he would enjoy it hugely? Did
you act from a sense of duty to the universe?
None of these things, Mr. Smith! Your Harry
HARRY'S POINT OF VIEW 339
is merely here because you thought that Mrs. Smith
was somehow charmingly different from; other girls.
He is a consequence of your egotistic desire to en-
large your borders, of your determination to have
what you wanted. Every time you cast eyes
on him he ought to remind you what a self-seeking
and consequence-scorning person you are, Mr.
Smith. And not only is he from no choice or wish
of his own in a world as to which the most power-
ful intellects are still arguing whether it is tragic
or ridiculous; but he is unarmed for the perils of
the business. He is very ignorant and very inex-
perienced, and he is continually passing through
disconcerting modifications.
These are the facts, my dear sir. You cannot
deny that you, for your own satisfaction, have got
Harry into a rather fearful mess. Do you con-
stantly make the effort to be sympathetic to this
helpless victim of your egotism? You do not.
And what is worse, to quiet your own consciences,
both you and Mrs. Smith are for ever pouring into
his ear a shocking — I won't call it "lie" — perver-
sion of the truth. You are always absurdly try-
ing to persuade him that the obligation is on his
side. Not a day wears to night but Mrs. Smith
expresses to Harry her conviction that by good be-
haviour he ought to prove his gratitude to you for
being such a kind father.
And you talk to him in the same strain of Mrs.
Smith. The sum of your teaching is an insinua-
tion— often more than an insinuation — that you
340 PARIS NIGHTS
have conferred a favour on Harry. Supposing
that some one pitched you into the Ship Canal —
one of the salubrious reaches near Warrington, Mr.
Smith — and then clumsily dragged you half-way
out, and punctured his efforts by a reiterated state-
ment that gratitude to him ought to fill your breast,
how would you feel?
* «* # #
Things are better than they were, but the general
attitude of the parent to the child is still funda-
mentally insincere, and it mars the success of the
home, for it engenders in the child a sense of in-
justice. Do you fancy that Harry is for an in-
stant deceived by the rhetoric of his parents? Not
he ! Children are very difficult to deceive, and they
are horribly frank to themselves. It is quite bad
enough for Harry to be compelled to go to school.
Harry, however, has enough sense to perceive that
he must go to school. But when his parents be-
gin to yarn that he ought to be glad to go to school,
that he ought to enjoy the privilege of solving quad-
ratic equations and learning the specific gravities
of elements, he is quite naturally alienated.
He does not fail to observe that in a hundred
things the actions of his parents contradict their
precepts. When, being a boy, he behaves like a
boy, and his parents affect astonishment and dis-
gust, he knows it is an affectation. When his
father, irritated by a superabundance of noise,
frowns and instructs Harry to get away for he is
tired of the sight of him, Harry is excusably af-
fronted in his secret pride.
HARRY'S POINT OF VIEW 341
These are illustrations of the imperfect success
of the Smiths' home as an organisation for making
Harry happy. Useless for Mr. Smith to argue
that it is "all for Harry's own good." He would
simply be aggravating his offence. Discipline, the
enforcement of regulations, is necessary for Harry.
I strongly favour discipline. But discipline can
be practised with sympathy or without sympathy;
with or without the accompaniment of hypocritical
remarks that deceive no one ; with or without odious
assumptions of superiority and philanthropy.
I trust that young John and young Mary will
take note, and that their attitude to their Harrys
will be, not: "You ought to be glad you're alive,"
but: "We thoroughly sympathise with your diffi-
culties. We quite agree that these rules and pro-
hibitions and injunctions are a nuisance for you,
but they will save you trouble later, and we will be
as un-cast-iron as we can." Honesty is the best
policy.
VI
THE FUTURE
The cry is that the institution of the home is be-
ing undermined, and that, therefore, society is in
the way of perishing. It is stated that the home
is insidiously attacked, at one end of the scale, by
the hotel and restaurant habit, and, at the other,
by such innovations as the feeding-of -school-chil-
dren habit. We are asked to contemplate the
crowded and glittering dining-rooms of the Mid-
land, the Carlton, the Adelphi, on, for instance,
Christmas Night, when, of all nights, people ought]
to be on their own hearths, and we are told: "It
has come to this. Thisi is the result of the craze for
pleasure! Where is the home now?"
To which my reply would be that the home re-
mains just about where it was. The spectacular
existence of a few great hotels has never mirrored
the national life. Is the home of the Smiths, for
example, being gradually overthrown by the res-
taurant habit? The restaurant habit will only
strengthen the institution of the home. The most
restaurant-loving people on the face of the earth
are the French, and the French home is a far more
powerful, more closely-knit organisation than our
own. Why! Up to last year a Frenchman of
sixty could not marry without the consent of his
343
THE FUTURE 343
parents, if they happened to be alive. I wonder
what the Smiths would say to that as an example
of the disintegration of the home by the restaurant
habit!
Most assuredly the modest, medium, average
home founded by Mr. Smith has not been in the
slightest degree affected either by the increase of
luxury and leisure, or by any alleged meddlesome-
ness on the part of the State. The home founded
by Mr. Smith, with all its faults — and I have not
spared them — is too convenient, too economical,
too efficient, and, above all, too natural, to be over-
thrown, or even shaken, by either luxury or grand-
motherliness. To change the metaphor and call it
a ship, it remains absolutely right and tight. It is
true that Mr. and Mrs. Smith assert sadly that
young John and young Mary have much more lib-
erty than they ever had, but Mr. and Mrs. Smith's
parents asserted exactly the same thing of Mr. and
Mrs. Smith, and their grandparents of their par-
ents, and so on backwards doubtless up to Noah.
That is only part of a process, a beneficent pro-
cess.
Nevertheless, the home of the Smiths has a very
real enemy, and that enemy is not outside, but in-
side. That enemy is Matilda. I have not hitherto
discussed Matilda. She sleeps in the attic, and
earns <£18 a year, rising to £20. She doesn't
count, and yet she is the factor which, more than
any other, will modify the home of the Smiths.
Let me say no word against Matilda. She is a
344 PARIS NIGHTS
respectable and a passably industrious, and a pass-
ably obedient girl. I know her. She usually
opens the door for me, and we converse "like any-
thing"! "Good evening, Matilda," I say to her.
"Good evening, sir," says she. And in her tone
and mine is an implicit recognition of the fact that
I have been very good-natured and sympathetic in
greeting her as a human being. "Mr. Smith in?"
I ask, smiling. "Yes, sir. Will you come this
way?" says she. Then I forget her. A nice,
pleasant girl! And she has a good place, too.
The hygienic conditions are superior to those of a
mill, and the labour less fatiguing. And both Mrs.
Smith and Miss Mary help her enormously in "lit-
tle ways." She eats better food than she would
eat at home, and she has a bedroom all to herself.
You might say she was on velvet.
And yet, in the middle of one of those jolly, un-
affected evenings that I occasionally spend with
the Smiths, when the piano has been going, and I
have helped Mrs. Smith to cheat herself at pa-
tience, and given Mr. Smith the impression that
he can teach me a thing or two, and discussed cig-
arettes with John, and songs with Mary, and the
sense of intimate fellowship and mutual compre-
hension is in the air, in comes Matilda suddenly
with a tray of coffee — and makes me think furi-
ously! She goes out as rapidly as she came in, for
she is bound by an iron law not to stop an instant,
and if she happened to remark in a friendly, human
way: "You seem to be having a good time here!"
THE FUTURE 345
all the Smiths, and I too, would probably drop
down dead from pained shock.
But though she is gone I continue to think furi-
ously. Where had she been all the jolly evening?
Where has she returned to? Well, to her beauti-
ful hygienic kitchen, where she sits or works all by
herself, on velvet. My thoughts follow her ex-
istence through the day, and I remember that from
morn till odorous eve she must not, save on busi-
ness, speak unless she is spoken to. Then I give
up thinking about Matilda's case, because it annoys
me. I recall a phrase of young John's ; he is youth-
fully interested in social problems, and he wants a
latch-key vote. Said John to me once, when an-
other Matilda had left: "Of course, if one thought
too much about Matilda's case, one wouldn't be
able to sleep at nights."
$ * & $
When you visit the Smiths the home seems al-
ways to be in smooth working order. But ask Mrs.
Smith! Ask Mary! Get beneath the surface.
And you will glimpse the terrible trouble that lies
concealed. Mrs. Smith began with Matilda the
First. Are you aware that this is Matilda the
Fortieth, and that between Matilda the Fortieth
and Matilda the Forty-first there will probably be
an interregnum? Mrs. Smith simply cannot get
Matildas. And when by happy chance she does
get a Matilda, the misguided girl won't see the
velvet with which the kitchen and the attic are car-
peted,
346 PARIS NIGHTS
Mrs. Smith says the time will come when the race
of Matildas will have disappeared. And Mrs.
Smith is right. The "general servant" is bound
to disappear utterly. In North America she has
already almost disappeared. Think of that! In-
stead of her, in many parts of the American con-
tinent, there is an independent stranger who, if she
came to the Smiths, would have the ineffable impu-
dence to eat at the same table as the Smiths, just as
though she was of the same clay, and who, when told
to do something, would be quite equal to snapping
out: "Do it yourself."
But you say that the inconvenience brought
about by the disappearance of Matilda would be
too awful to contemplate. I venture to predict
that the disappearance of Matilda will not ex-
haust the resources of civilisation. The home will
dontinue. But mechanical invention will have to
be quickened in order to replace Matilda's red
hands. And there will be those suburban restau-
rants ! And I have a pleasing vision of young John,
in the home which Tie builds, cleaning his own boots.
Inconvenient, but it is coming!
STREETS ROADS
AND TRAINS— 1907-1909
IN WATLING STREET
Upon an evening in early autumn, I, who had
never owned an orchard before, stood in my or-
chard; behind me were a phalanx of some sixty
trees bearing (miraculously, to my simplicity) a
fine crop of apples and plums — my apples and
plums, and a mead of some two acres, my mead,
upon which I discerned possibilities of football and
cricket ; behind these was a double greenhouse con-
taining three hundred pendent bunches of grapes
of the dark and aristocratic variety which I thought
I had seen in Piccadilly ticketed at four shillings
a pound — my grapes; still further behind uprose
the chimneys of a country-house, uncompromis-
ingly plain and to some eyes perhaps ugly, but my
country-house, the lease of which, stamped, was in
my pocket. Immediately in front of me was a
luxuriant hedge which, long undipped, had at-
tained a height of at least fifteen feet. Beyond the
hedge the ground fell away sharply into a drain-
ing ditch, and on the other side of the ditch,
through the interstices of the hedge, I perceived
glimpses of a very straight and very white high-
way.
This highway was Watling Street, built of the
Romans, and even now surviving as the most fa-
349
350 PARIS NIGHTS
mous road in England. I had "learnt" it at school,
and knew that it once ran from Dover to London,
from London to Chester and from Chester to York.
Just recently I had tracked it diligently on a series
of county maps, and discovered that, though only
vague fragments of it remained in Kent, Surrey,
Shropshire, Cheshire, and Yorkshire, it still flour-
ished and abounded exceedingly in my particular
neighbourhood as a right line, austere, renowned,
indispensable, clothed in its own immortal dust. I
could see but patches of it in the twilight, but I
was aware that it stretched fifteen miles southeast
of me, and unnumbered miles northwest of me, with
scarcely a curve to break the splendid inexorable
monotony of its career. To me it was a wonderful
road — more wonderful than the Great North Road,
or the military road from Moscow to Vladivostock.
And the most wonderful thing about it was that
I lived on it. After all, few people can stamp
the top of their notepaper, "Watling Street, Eng-
land." It is not a residential thoroughfare.
Only persons of imagination can enter into my
feelings at that moment. I had spent two-thirds
of my life in a town (squalid, industrial) and the
remaining third in Town. I thought I knew every
creosoted block in Fleet Street, every bookstall in
Shoreditch, every hosier's in Piccadilly. I cer-
tainly did know the order of stations on the Inner
Circle, the various frowns of publishers, the strange
hysteric, silly atmosphere of theatrical first-nights,
and stars of the Empire and Alhambra (by sight),
and the vicious odours of a thousand and one res-
IN WATLING STREET 351
taurants. And lo! burdened with all this accumu-
lated knowledge, shackled by all these habits, as-
sociations, entrancements, I was yet moved by
some mysterious and far-off atavism to pack up,
harness the oxen, "trek," and go and live in "the
country."
Of course I soon discovered that there is no
such thing as "the country," just as there is no
such thing as Herbert Spencer's "state." "The
country" is an entity which exists only in the brains
of an urban population, whose members ridicu-
lously regard the terrene surface as a concatenation
of towns surrounded by earthy space. There is
England, and there are spots on England called
towns: that is all. But at that time I too had
the illusion of "the country," a district where one
saw "trees," "flowers," and "birds." For me, a
tree was not an oak or an ash or an elm or a birch
or a chestnut; it was just a "tree." For me there
were robins, sparrows, and crows; the rest of the
winged fauna was merely "birds." I recognised
roses, daisies, dandelions, forget-me-nots, chrysan-
themums, and one or two more blossoms; all else
was "flowers." Remember that all this happened
before the advent of the nature-book and the sub-
lime invention of week-ending, and conceive me
plunging into this unknown, inscrutable, and rec-
ondite "country," as I might have plunged fully
clothed and unable to swim into the sea. It was
a prodigious adventure! When my friends asked
me, with furtive glances at each other as in the
presence of a lunatic, why I was going to live in
352 PARIS NIGHTS
the country, I could only reply: "Because I want
to. I want to see what it's like." I might have
attributed my action to the dearness of season-
tickets on the Underground, to the slowness of
omnibuses or the danger of cabs : my friends would
have been just as wise, and I just as foolish, in
their esteem. I admit that their attitude of be-
nevolent contempt, of far-seeing sagacity, gave me
to think. And although I was obstinate, it was
with a pang of misgiving that I posted the notice
of quitting my suburban residence; and the pang
was more acute when I signed the contract for the
removal of my furniture. I called on my friends
before the sinister day of exodus.
"Good-bye," I said.
"Au revoir," they replied, with calm vaticinatory
assurance, "we shall see you back again in a year."
«* * & *
Thus, outwardly braggart, inwardly quaking, I
departed. The quaking had not ceased as I stood,
in the autumn twilight, in my beautiful orchard,
in front of my country-house. Toiling up the
slope from the southward, I saw an enormous van
with three horses: the last instalment of my chat-
tels. As it turned lumberingly at right angles into
my private road or boreen, I said aloud:
"I've done it."
I had. I felt like a statesman who has handed
an ultimatum to a king's messenger. No with-
drawal was now possible. From the reverie nat-
ural to this melancholy occasion I was aroused by
a disconcerting sound of collision, the rattle of
IN WATLING STREET 358
chains, and the oaths customary to drivers in a dif-
ficulty. I ran towards the house and down the
weedy drive bordered by trees which a learned gar-
dener had told me were of the variety, cupressus
lawsoniana. In essaying the perilous manoeuvre
of twisting round three horses and a long van on a
space about twenty feet square, the driver had
overset the brick pier upon which swung my gar-
den-gate. The unicorn horse of the team was
nosing at the cupressus lawsoniana and the van was
scotched in the gateway. I thought, "This is an
omen." I was, however, reassured by the sight of
two butchers and two bakers each asseverating that
nothing could afford him greater pleasure than to
call every day for orders. A minute later the post-
man, in his own lordly equipage, arrived with my
newspapers and his respects. I tore open a paper
and read news of London. I convinced myself
that London actually existed, though I were never
to see it again. The smashing of the pier dwindled
from a catastrophe to an episode.
«* «* «* ,*
The next morning very early I was in Watling
Street. Since then
Full many a glorious morning have I seen
Flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye,
but this was the first in the sequence of those
Shaksperean mornings, and it was also, subjec-
tively, the finest. I shall not describe it, since, ob-
jectively and in the quietude of hard fact, I now
perceive that it could not have been in the least
354 PARIS NIGHTS
remarkable. The sun rose over the southward
range which Bunyan took for the model of his De-
lectable Mountains, and forty or fifty square miles
of diversified land was spread out in front of me.
The road cut down for a couple of miles like a geo-
metrician's rule, and disappeared in a slight S
curve, the work of a modern generation afraid of
gradients, on to the other side of the Delectable
Mountains. I thought: "How magnificent were
those Romans in their disregard of everything ex-
cept direction!" And being a professional novel-
ist I naturally began at once to consider the possi-
bilities of exploiting Watling Street in fiction.
Then I climbed to the brow of my own hill, whence,
at the foot of the long northerly slope, I could
descry the outposts of my village, a mile away;
there was no habitation of mankind nearer to me
than this picturesque and venerable hamlet, which
seemed to lie inconsiderable on the great road like
a piece of paper. The seventy-four telegraph
wires which border the great road run above the
roofs of Winghurst as if they were unaware of its
existence. "And Winghurst," I reflected, "is
henceforth my metropolis." No office! No mem-
orising of time-tables! No daily struggle-for-
lunch! Winghurst, with three hundred inhabi-
tants, the centre of excitement, the fount of ex-
ternal life!
The course of these ordinary but inevitable
thoughts was interrupted by my consciousness of
a presence near me. A man coughed. He had
approached me, in almost soleless boots, on the
IN WATLING STREET 355
grassy footpath. For a brief second I regarded
him with that peculiar fellow-feeling which a man
who has risen extremely early is wont to exhibit
towards another man who has risen extremely
early. But finding no answering vanity in his un-
distinguished features I quickly put on an appear-
ance of usualness, to indicate that I might be found
on that spot at that hour every morning. The
man looked shabby, and that Sherlock Holmes who
lies concealed in each one of us decided for me that
lie must be a tailor out-of-work.
"Good morning, sir," he said.
"Good morning," I said.
"Do you want to buy a good recipe for a horse,
sir?" he asked.
"A horse?" I repeated, wrondering whether he
was a lunatic, or a genius who had discovered a
way to manufacture horses.
•"Yes, sir," he said, "They often fall sick, sir,
you know. The saying is, as I daresay you've
heard, 'Never trust a woman's word or a horse's
health.' "
I corrected his quotation.
"I've got one or two real good recipes," he re-
sumed.
"But I've got no horse," I replied, and that
seemed to finish the interview.
"No offence, I hope, sir," he said, and passed
on towards the Delectable Mountains.
He was a mystery; his speech disclosed no
marked local accent; he had certainly had some
education; and he was hawking horse-remedies in
356 PARIS NIGHTS
Watling Street at sunrise. Here was the germ
of my first lesson in rusticity. Except in towns,
the "horsey" man does not necessarily look horsey.
That particular man resembled a tailor, and by a
curious coincidence the man most fearfully and
wonderfuly learned in equine lore that I have yet
known is a tailor.
But horses ! Six miles away to the West I could
see the steam of expresses on the London and
North Western Main line; four miles to the East
I could see the steam of expresses on the Midland.
And here was an individual offering stable-recipes
as simply as though they had been muffins! I re-
flected on my empty stable, harness-room, coach-
house. I began to suspect that I was in a land
where horses entered in the daily and hourly exist-
ence of the people. I had known for weeks that
I must buy a horse ; the nearest town and the near-
est railway station were three miles off. But now,
with apprehension, I saw that mysterious and dan-
gerous mercantile operation to be dreadfully im-
minent: me, cor am publico, buying a horse, me the
dupe of copers, me a butt for the covert sarcasm
of a village omniscient about horses and intolerant
of ignorance on such a subject!
* * * *
Down in the village, that early morning, I saw
a pony and an evidently precarious trap standing
in front of the principal shop. I had read about
the "village-shop" in novels; I had even ventured
to describe it in fiction of my own ; and I was equally
surprised and delighted to find that the village-
IN WATLING STREET 357
shop of fiction was also the village-shop of fact.
It was the mere truth that one could buy every-
thing in this diminutive emporium, that the multi-
f ariousness of its odours excelled that of the odours
of Cologne, and that the proprietor, who had never
seen me before, instantly knew me and all about
me. Soon I was in a fair way to know something
of the proprietor. He was informing me that he
had five little children, when one of the five, snuf-
fling and in a critical mood, tumbled into the shop
out of an obscure Beyond.
"And what's your name?" I enquired of the girl,
with that fatuous, false blandness of tone which
the inexpert always adopt toward children. I
thought of the five maidens whose names were five
sweet symphonies, and moreover I deemed it politic
to establish friendly relations with my monop-
olist.
"She's a little shy," I remarked.
"It's a boy, sir," said the monopolist.
It occurred to me that Nature was singularly
uninventive in devising new quandaries for the
foolish.
"Tell the gentleman your name."
Thus admonished, the boy emitted one mono-
syllable: "Guy."
"We called him Guy because he was born on the
fifth of November," the monopolist was good
enough to explain.
As I left the shop a man driving a pony drew
up at the door with an immense and sudden flourish
calculated to impress the simple. I noticed that
358 PARIS NIGHTS
the pony was the same animal which I had previ-
ously seen standing there.
"Want to buy a pony, sir?" The question was
thrown at me like a missile that narrowly escaped
my head; launched in a voice which must once have
been extremely powerful, but which now, whether
by abuse of shouting in the open air or by the de-
teriorating effect of gin on the vocal chords, was
only a loud, passionate whisper: so that, though
the man obviously bawled with all his might, the
drum of one's ear was not shattered. I judged,
partly from the cut of his coat and the size of the
buttons on it, and partly from the creaminess of
the shaggy, long-tailed pony, that my questioner
was or had been connected with circuses. His very
hand was against him; the turned-back podgy
thumb showed acquisitiveness, and the enormous
Gophir diamonds in brass rings argued a certain
lack of really fine taste. His face had literally
the brazen look, and that absolutely hard, impudent,
glaring impassivity acquired only by those who
earn more than enough to drink by continually
bouncing the public.
"The finest pony in the county, sir." (It was
an animal organism gingerly supported on four
crooked legs; a quadruped and nothing more.)
"The finest pony in the county!" he screamed,
"Finest pony in England, sir! Not another like
him! I took him to the Rothschild horse-show,
but they wouldn't have him. Said I'd come too
late to enter him for the first-clawss. They were
afraid — afferaid! There was the water- jump.
WATLING STREET 359
'Stand aside, you blighters,' I said, 'and he'll jump
that, the d — d gig and all.' But they were
afferaidl"
I asked if the animal was quiet to drive.
"Quiet to drive, sir, did you say? I should say
so. I says Away, and off he goes." Here the
thin scream became a screech. "Then I says Pull
up, you blighter, and he stops dead. A child could
drive him. He don't want no driving. You could
drive him with a silken thread." His voice melted,
and with an exquisite tender cadence he repeated:
4 With a silk-en therredd!"
"Well," I said. "How much?"
"How much, did you say, sir? How much?"
He made it appear that this question came upon
him as an extraordinary surprise. I nodded.
He meditated on the startling problem, and then
yelled: "Thirty guineas. It's giving him away."
"Make it shillings," I said. I was ingenuously
satisfied with my retort, but the man somehow
failed to appreciate it.
"Come here," he said, in a tone of intimate con-
fidence. "Come here. Listen. I've had that
pony's picture painted. Finest artist in England,
sir. And frame! You never see such a frame!
At thirty guineas I'll throw the picture in. Look
ye! That picture cost me two quid, and here's the
receipt." He pulled forth a grimy paper, and I
accepted it from his villainous fingers. It proved,
however, to be a receipt for four pounds, and for
the portrait, not of a pony, but of a man.
"This is a receipt for your own portrait," I said.
360 PARIS NIGHTS
"Now wasn't that a coorious mistake for me to
make?" he asked, as if demanding information.
"Wasn't that a coorious mistake?"
I was obliged to give him the answer he desired,
and then he produced the correct receipt.
"Now," he said wooingly, "There! Is it a trade?
I'll bring you the picture to-night. Finest frame
you ever saw! What? No? Look here, buy him
at thirty guineas — say pounds — and I'll chuck you
both the blighted pictures in!"
"Away!" he screamed a minute later, and the
cream pony, galvanised into frantic activity by that
sound, and surely not controllable by a silken
thread, scurried off towards the Delectable Moun-
tains.
This was my first insight into horse dealing.
II
STREET TALKING
Few forms of amusement are more amusing and
few forms of amusement cost less than to walk
slowly along the crowded central thoroughfares of
a great capital — London, Paris, or Timbuctoo—
with ears open to catch fragments of conversation
not specially intended for your personal consump-
tion. It, perhaps, resembles slightly the justly
blamed habit of listening at keyholes and the uni-
versally practised habit of reading other peo-
ple's postcards ; it is possibly not quite "nice." But,
like both these habits, it is within the law, and the
chances of it doing any one any harm are exceed-
ingly remote. Moreover, it has in an amazing
degree the excellent quality of taking you out of
yourself — and putting you into some one else. De-
tectives employ it, and if it were forbidden where
would novelists be? Where, for example, would
Mr. Pett Ridge be? Once yielded to, it grows on
you; it takes hold of you in its fell, insidious clutch,
as does the habit of whisky, and becomes incur-
able. You then treat it seriously; you make of it
a passkey to the seventy and seven riddles of the
universe, with wards for each department of life.
You judge national characteristics by it; by it alone
you compare rival civilisations. And, incidentally,
361
362 PARIS NIGHTS
you somewhat increase your social value as a diner-
out.
$ # » $
For a long time I practised it in the streets of
Paris, the city of efficient chatter, the city in which
wayfarers talk with more exuberance and more
grammar than anywhere else. Here are a few
phrases, fair samples from lists of hundreds, which
I have gathered and stored, on the boulevards and
in quieter streets, such as the Rue Blanche, where
conversation grows intimate on mild nights: —
She is mad.
She lived on the fourth floor last year.
Yes, she is not bad, after all.
Thou knowest, my old one, that my wife is a
little bizarre.
He has left her.
They say she is very jealous.
Anything except oysters.
Thou annoyest me terribly, my dear.
It is a question solely of the cache-corset.
With those feet!
He is a beau gar^on, but —
He is the fourth in three years.
My big wolf!
Do not say that, my small rabbit.
She doesn't look it.
It is open to any one to assert that such phrases
have no significance, or that, if they have signifi-
cance, their significance must necessarily be hidden
from the casual observer. But to me they are like
the finest lines in the tragedies of John Ford.
STREET TALKING 363
Marlow was at his best in the pentameter, but Ford
usually got his thrill in a chipped line of about
three words — three words which, while they mean
nothing, mean everything. All depends on what
you "read into" them. And the true impassioned
student of human nature will read into the over-
heard exclamations of the street a whole revealing
philosophy. What! Two temperaments are sep-
arately born, by the agency of chance or the equally
puzzling agency of design, they one day collide,
become intimate, and run parallel for a space.
You perceive them darkly afar off; they approach
you; you are in utter ignorance of them: and then
in the instant of passing you receive a blinding
flash of illumination, and the next instant they are
eternally hidden from you again. That blinding
flash of illumination may consist of "My big wolf!"
or it may consist of "It is solely a question of the
cache-corset." But in any case it is and must be
profoundly significant. In any case it is a gleam
of light on a mysterious place. Even the matter
of the height of the floor on which she lived is
charged with an overwhelming effect for one who
loves his fellow-man. And lives there the being
stupid or audacious enough to maintain that the
French national character does not emerge charm-
ingly and with a curious coherence from the frag-
ments of soul-communication which I have set
down?
£ «* £ «*
On New Year's Eve I was watching the phe-
nomena of the universal scheme of things in Put-
364 PARIS NIGHTS
ney High-street. A man and a girl came down
the footpath locked in the most intimate conversa-
tion. I could see that they were perfectly absorbed
in each other. And I heard the man say:—
"Yes, Charlie is a very good judge of beer-
Charlie is!"
And then they were out of hearing, vanished
from the realm of my senses for ever more. And
yet people complain that the suburbs are dull! As
for me, when I grasped the fact that Charlie was
a good judge of beer I knew for certain that I
was back in England, the foundation of whose
greatness we all know. I walked on a little far-
ther and overtook two men, silently smoking pipes.
The companionship seemed to be a taciturn com-
munion of spirits, such as Carlyle and Tennyson
are said to have enjoyed on a certain historic eve-
ning. But I was destined to hear strange mes-
sages that night. As I forged ahead of them, one
murmured : —
"I done him down a fair treat!"
No more! I loitered to steal the other's answer.
But there was no answer. Two intelligences that
exist from everlasting to everlasting had momen-
tarily joined the path of my intelligence, and the
unique message was that some one had been done
down a fair treat. They disappeared into the un-
known of Werter-road, and I was left meditating
upon the queer coincidence of the word "beer" pre-
ceding the word "treat." A disturbing coincidence,
a caprice of hazard! And my mind flew back to
a smoking-concert of my later youth, in which
STREET TALKING 365
"Beer, beer, glorious beer" was followed, on the
programme, by Handel's Largo.
£ ^ <* *
In the early brightness of yesterday morning
fate led me to Downing-street, which is assuredly
the oddest street in the world (except Bow- street).
Everything in Downing-street is significant, save
the official residence of the Prime Minister, which,
with its three electric bells and its absurdly inade-
quate area steps, is merely comic. The way in
which the vast pile of the Home Office f rowns down
upon that devoted comic house is symbolic of the
empire of the permanent official over the elected
of the people. It might be thought that from his
second-floor window the Prime Minister would
keep a stern eye on the trembling permanent of-
ficial. But experienced haunters of Downing-
street know that the Hessian boot is on the other
leg. Why does that dark and grim tunnel run
from the side of No. 10, Downing-street, into the
spacious trackless freedom of the Horse Guards
Parade, if it is not to facilitate the escape of Prime
Ministers fleeing from the chicane of conspiracies?
And how is it that if you slip out of No. 10 in
your slippers of a morning, and toddle across to
the foot of the steps leading to St. James's Park,
you have instantly a view (a) of Carlton House
Terrace and (b) of the sinister inviting water of
St. James's Park pond? I say that the mute sig-
nificance of things is unsettling in the highest de-
gree. That morning a motor-brougham was
seeking repose in Downing-street. By the motor-
366 PARIS NIGHTS
brougham stood a chauffeur, and by the chauffeur
stood a girl under a feathered hat. They were
exchanging confidences, these two. I strolled non-
chalantly past. The girl was saying: —
"Look at this skirt as I've got on now. Me
and her went 'alves in it. She was to have it one
Sunday, and me the other. But do you suppose
as I could get it when it come to my turn? Not
me! Whenever I called for it she was always — "
I heard no more. I could not decently wait.
But I was glad the wearer had ultimately got the
skirt. The fact was immensely significant.
FONTAINEBLEAU
Ill
ON THE ROAD
The reader may remember a contrivance called
a bicycle on which people used to move from one
place to another. The thing is still employed by
postmen in remote parts. We discovered a couple
in the stable, had them polished with the electro-
plate powder and went off on them. It seemed a
strange freak. Equally strange was the freak of
quitting Fontainebleau, even for three days. I
had thought that no one ever willingly left Fon-
tainebleau. Everybody knows what the roads of
France are. Smooth and straight perfection, bor-
dered by double rows of trees. They were as-
suredly constructed with a prevision of automobiles.
They run in an absolutely straight line for about
five miles, then there is a slight bend and you are
faced with another straight line of five miles. It
is magnificent on a motor-car at a mile a minute.
On a bicycle it is tedious ; you never get anywhere,
and the one fact you learn is that France consists
of ten thousand million plane trees and a dust-
cloud. We left the main road at the very first
turn. As a rule, the bye-roads of France are as
well kept as the main roads, often better, and they
are far more amusing. But we soon got lost in a
labyrinth of bad roads. We went back to the
36T
368 PARIS NIGHTS
main roads, despite their lack of humour, and they
were just as bad. All thei roads of the department
which we had invaded were criminal — as criminal
as anything in industrial Yorkshire. A person
who had travelled only on the roads of the Loiret
would certainly say that French roads were the
worst in Europe. This shows the folly of general-
ising. We held an inquisition as to these roads
when we halted for lunch.
"What would you?" replied the landlady. "It
is like that!" She was a stoic philosopher. She
said the state of the roads was due to the heavy
loads of beetroot that pass over them, the beetroot
being used for sugar. This seemed to us a feeble
excuse. She also said we should find that the roads
got worse. She then proved that in addition to
being a great philosopher she was a great tactician.
We implored lunch, and it was only 11:15. She
said, with the most charming politeness, that her
regular clients — ces messieurs — arrived at twelve,
and not before, but that as we were "pressed" she
would prepare us a special lunch (founded on an
omelette) instantly. Meanwhile we could inspect
her fowls, rabbits and guinea-pigs. Well, we in-
spected her fowls, rabbits and guinea-pigs till
exactly five minutes past twelve, when ces mes-
sieurs began to arrive. The adorable creature had
never had the least intention of serving us with a
special lunch. Her one desire was not to hurt our
sensitive, high-strung natures. The lunch con-
sisted of mackerel, ham, cutlets, fromage a la
creme, fruits and wine. I have been eating at
ON THE ROAD 369
French inns for years, and have not yet ceased to
be astonished at the refined excellence of the repast
which is offered in any little poky hole for a florin.
«* * # #
She was right about the roads. Emphatically
they got worse. But we did not mind, for we had
a strong wind at our backs. The secret of happi-
ness in such an excursion as ours is in the wind
and in naught else. We bumped through some
dozen villages, all exactly alike — it was a rolling
pasture country — and then came to our first town,
Puiseaux,, whose church with its twisted spire must
have been destined from its beginning to go on to
a picture post card. And having taught the lead-
ing business house of Puiseaux how to brew tea,
we took to the wind again, and were soon in Eng-
land; that is to say, we might have been in England,
judging by the hedges and ditches and the capri-
ciousness of the road's direction, and the little oc-
casional orchards, bridges and streams. This was
not the hedgeless, severe landscape of Gaul — not
a bit! Only the ancient farmhouses and the cha-
teaux guarded by double pairs of round towers
reminded us that we were not in Shropshire. The
wind blew us in no time to within sight of the
distant lofty spire of the great church of Pithiviers,
and after staring at it during six kilometres, we
ran down into a green hollow and up into the
masonry of Pithiviers, where the first spectacle we
saw was a dog racing towards the church with a
huge rat in his mouth. Pithiviers is one of the
important towns of the department. It demands
370 PARIS NIGHTS
and receives respect. It has six cafes in its pic-
turesque market square, and it specialises in lark
patties. What on earth led Pithiviers to special-
ise in lark patties I cannot imagine. But it does.
It is revered for its lark patties, which are on view
everywhere. We are probably the only persons
who have spent a night in Pithiviers without par-
taking of lark patties. We went into the hotel
and at the end of the hall saw three maids sewing
in the linen-room — a pleasing French sight — and,
in a glass case, specimens of lark patties. We
steadily and consistently refused lark pat-
ties. Still we did not starve. Not to men-
tion lark patties, our two-and-tenpenny dinner
comprised soup, boiled beef, carrots, turnips,
gnocchi* fowl, beans, leg of mutton, cherries, straw-
berries and minor details. During this eternal
meal, a man with a bag came vociferously into the
salle a manger. He was selling the next day's
morning paper! Chicago could not surpass that!
Largely owing to the propinquity and obstinacy
of the striking clock of the great church I arose
at 6 A. M. The market was already in progress.
I spoke withj an official about the clock, but I could
not make him see that I had got up in the middle
of the night. In spite of my estimate of his clock,
he good-naturedly promised me much better roads.
And the promise was fulfilled. But we did not
mind. For now the strong wind was against us.
This altered all our relations with the universe, and
transformed us into impolite, nagging pessimists;
previously we had been truly delightful people.
THE LITTLE RIVER FUSAIN (Page 371)
ON THE ROAD 371
All that day till tea-time we grumbled over a good
road that wound its way through a gigantic wheat-
field. True that sometimes the wheat was oats, or
even a pine plantation; but, broadly speaking, the
wheat was all wheat, and the vast heaving sea of it
rolled up to the very sides of the road under our
laggard wheels. And it was all right, and it was all
being cut with two-horse McCormick reapers. We
actually saw hundreds of McCormick reapers.
Near and far, on all the horizons, we could detect
the slow-revolving paddle of the McCormick
reaper. And at least we reached Chateau Landon,
against the walls of which huge waves of wheat
were breaking. Chateau Landon was our destina-
tion. We meant to discover it and we did.
# «* £ £
Chateau Landon is one of the most picturesque
towns in France; but, as the landlady of the Red
Hat said to us, "no one has yet known how to
make come messieurs, the tourists." I should
say that (except Carcassone, of course) Vezelay,
in the Avalonnais, is perhaps the most picturesque
town in all France. Chateau Landon comes near
it, and is much easier to get at. On one side it
rises straight up in a tremendous sheer escarpment
out of the little river Fusain, in which the entire
town washes its clothes. The view of the city
from the wooded and murmurous valley is genu-
inely remarkable, and the most striking feature of
the view is the feudal castle which soars with its
terrific buttresses out of a thick mass of trees.
Few more perfect relics of feudalism than this for-
372 PARIS NIGHTS
midable building can exist anywhere. It will soon
celebrate its thousandth birthday. In putting it to
the uses of a home for the poor ( Asile de St. Sev-
erin) the townsmen cannot be said to have dishon-
oured its old age. You climb up out of the river
by granite steps cut into the escarpment and find
yourself all of a sudden in the market square, which
looks over a precipice. Everybody is waiting to
relate to you the annals of the town since the be-
ginning of history: how it had its own mint, and
how the palace of the Mint still stands ; how many
an early Louis lived in the town, making laws and
dispensing justice; how Louis le Gros put himself
to the trouble of being buried in the cathedral there ;
and how the middlemen come from Fontainebleau
to buy game at the market. We sought the tomb
in the cathedral, but found nothing of interest there
save a stout and merry priest instructing a class of
young girls in the aisle. However, we did buy a
pair of fowls in the market for 4s. and carried them
at our saddles, all the way back to Fontainebleau.
The landlady of the Red Hat asked us whether her
city was not wondrous? We said it was. She
asked us whether we should come again? We said
we should. She asked us whether we could do any-
thing to spread the fame of her wondrous town?
We said we would do what we could.
To reach Fontainebleau it was necessary to pass
through another ancient town which we have long
loved, largely on account of Balzac, to wit, Ne-
mours. After Chateau Landon, Nemours did
not seem to be quite the exquisite survival that we
ASILE DE ST. SEVERIN (Page 371)
ON THE ROAD 373
had thought. It had almost a modern look. Thus
on the afternoon of the third day we came to Fon-
tainebleau again. And there was no wind at all.
We had covered a prodigious number of miles,
about as many as a fair automobile would swallow,
up in two hours ; in fact, eighty.
IV
A TRAIN
At the present moment probably the dearest bed
of its size in the world is that to be obtained on the
Calais-Mediterranean express, which leaves Calais
at 1.05 every afternoon and gets to Monte Carlo at
9.39 the next morning. This bed costs you be-
tween £4 and £5 if you take it from Calais, and
between £3 and £4 if you take it from Paris [(as
I did), in addition to the first-class fare r(no baga-
telle that, either!), and, of course, in addition to
your food. Why people should make such a ter-
rific fuss about this train I don't know. It isn't
the fastest train between Paris and Marseilles, be-
cause, though it beats almost every other train by
nearly an hour, there is, in February, just one train
that beats it— by one minute.* And after Mar-
seilles it is slow. And as for comfort, well, Ameri-
cans aver that it "don't cut much ice, anyway"
(this is the sort of elegant diction you hear on it) ,
seeing that it doesn't even comprise a drawing-
roomi car. Except when you are eating, you must
remain boxed up in a compartment decidedly not
as roomy as a plain, common, ordinary, decent
Anglo-Saxon first-class compartment between
Manchester and Liverpool.
*In 1904.
374
>•- - 1, p.-f ^:
- W — v- * ' i t-1^/ • ^^ ' ^€' t-^f*' •*** ' ^
, ' ~i
'.«##. ,r
'''-* • V" .-*^C^_ V -' ' ^ S
(tt - ";; %1
CHATEAU LANDON
A TRAIN 375
However, it is the train of trains, outside the
Siberian express, and the Chicago and Empire
City Vestibule Flyer, Limited, and if decorations,
silver, rare woods, plush, silk, satin, springs, cut-
flowers, and white-gloved attendants will make a
crack train, the International Sleeping Car Com-
pany (that bumptious but still useful association
for the aggrandisement of railway directors) has
made one. You enter this train with awe, for
you know that in entering you enrol yourself once
and for ever among the elite. You know that no-
body in Europe can go one better. For just as the
whole of the Riviera coast has been finally special-
ised into a winter playground for the rich idlers,
dilettanti, hypochondriacs, and invalids of two or
three continents, and into a field of manoeuvres for
the always-accompanying gilded riff-raff and odal-
isques, so that train is a final instance of the spe-
cialisation of transit to suit the needs of the afore-
said plutocrats and adventurers. And whether
you count yourself a plutocrat or an adventurer,
you are correct, doing the correct thing, and prov-
ing every minute that money is no object, and thus
realising the ideal of the age.
«* £ * *
French railway platforms are so low that in the
vast and resounding Gare de Lyon when the ma-
chine rolled magnificently in I was obliged to look
up to it, whether I wanted to or not; and so I
looked up reverently. The first human being that
descended from it was an African ; not a negro, but
something nobler. He was a very big man, with a
376 PARIS NIGHTS
distinguished mien, and he wore the uniform, in-
cluding the white gloves, of the dining-car staff.
Now, I had learnt from previous excursions in this
gipsy-van of the elite that the proper thing to do
aboard it is to display a keen interest in your stom-
ach. So I approached the African and demanded
the hour of dinner. He enveloped me in a glance
of courteous hut cold and distant disdain, and for
quite five seconds, as he gazed silently down at me
|(I am 5ft.-8f in.) , he must have been saying to him-
self: "Here's another of 'em." I felt inclined to
explain to him, as the reporter explained to the re-
vivalist who inquired about his soul, that I was on
the Press, and therefore not to be confused with the
general elite. But I said nothing. I decided that
if I told him that I worked as hard as he did he
would probably take me for a liar as well as a plu-
tocratic nincompoop.
Then the train went off, carrying its cargo of
human parcels all wrapped up in pretty cloths and
securely tied with tapes and things, and plunged
with its glitter and meretricious flash down through
the dark central quietudes of France. I must say
that as I wandered about its shaking corridors,
looking at faces and observing the deleterious ef-
fects of idleness, money, seasickness, lack of imag-
ination, and other influences, I was impressed,
nevertheless, by the bright gaudiness of the train's
whole entity. It isn't called a train de luxe; it is
called a train de grand luxe; and though the ar-
tistic taste displayed throughout is uniformly de-
plorable, still it deserves the full epithet. As an
A TRAIN 377
example of ostentation, of an end aimed at and
achieved, it will pass muster. And, lost in one of
those profound meditations upon life and death
and luxury which even the worst novelists must
from time to time indulge in, I forgot everything
save the idea of the significance of the train rush-
ing, so complete and so self-contained, through un-
known and uncared-for darkness. For me the
train might have been whizzing at large through
the world as the earth whizzes at large through
space. Then that African came along and asserted
with frigid politeness that dinner was ready.
# # # #
And in the highly-decorated dining-car, where
vines grew all up the walls, and the table-lamps
were electric bulbs enshrined in the metallic curves
of the art nouveau, and the fine cut flowers had
probably been brought up from Grasse that morn-
ing, it happened that the African himself handed
me the menu and waited on me. And when he
arrived balancing the elaborate silver "contrap-
tion" containing ninety-nine varieties of hors-
d'oeuvres, but not the particular variety I wanted,
I determined that I would enter the lists with him.
And, catching his eye, I said with frigid politeness :
N*y a-t-il pas' de sardines?39
He restrained himself for his usual five seconds,
and then he replied, with a politeness compared to
which mine was sultry:
"Non, monsieur"
And he went on to say (without speaking, but
with his eyes, arms, legs, forehead, and spinal col-
378 PATHS NIGHTS
umn) : "Miserable European, parcel, poltroon,
idler, degenerate, here I offer you ninety-and-nine
hors d'ceuvres, and you want the hundredth! You,
living your unnatural and despicable existence!
If I cared sufficiently I could kill every man on
the train, but I don't care sufficiently! Have the
goodness not to misinterpret my politeness, and
take this Lyons sausage, and let me hear no more
about sardines."
Hence I took the sausage and obediently ate it.
I gave him best. Among the few men that I re-
spected on that train were the engine-driver, out
there in the nocturnal cold, with our lives in his
pocket, and that African. He really could have
killed any of us. I may never see him again. His
circle of eternal energy just touched mine at the
point where a tin of sardines ought to have been
but was not. He was emphatically a man. He
had the gestures and carriage of a monarch. Per-
haps he was one, de jure, somewhere in the neigh-
bourhood of Timbuctoo. For practical European,
Riviera, plutocratic purposes he was a coloured
waiter in the service of the International Sleeping
Car Company.
ANOTHER TRAIN
After six hours' continuous sleep, I felt full of
energy and joy. There were no servants to sad-
den by their incompetence; so I got up and made
the tea and prepared the baths, and did many sim-
ple domestic things, the doing of which personally
is the beginning of "the solution of the servant
problem," so much talked about. Shall we catch
the 9.25 fast or the 9.50 slow? Only my watch was
going among all the clocks and watches in the flat.
I looked at it from time to time, fighting against
the instinct to hurry, the instinct to beat that one
tiny watch in its struggle against me. Just when
I was quite ready, I had to button a corsage with
ten thousand buttons — toy buttons like sago, that
must be persuaded into invisible nooses of thread.
I turned off the gas at the meter and the electricity
at the meter, and glanced 'round finally at the little
museum of furniture, pictures, and prints that was
nearly all I had to show in the way of spoils after
forty years of living and twenty-five years of sharp-
shooting. I picked up the valise, and we went out
on the staircase. I locked and double locked the
door. [(Instinct of property.)1 At the concierge's
lodge a head stuck itself out and offered the "Mer-
cure de France," which had just come. Strange
379
380 PARIS NIGHTS
how my pleasure in receiving new numbers never
wanes! I shoved it into my left-hand pocket; in
my right-hand pocket a new book was already re-
posing.
# £ $ £
Out into the street, and though we had been up
for an hour and a half, we were now for the first
time in the light of day! Mist! It would proba-
bly be called "pearly" by some novelists; but it was
like blue mousseline — diaphanous as a dancer's
skirt. The damp air had the astringent, nipping
quality that is so marked in November — like a
friendly dog pretending to bite you. Pavements
drying. The coal merchant's opposite was not yet
open. The sight of his closed1 shutters pleased me ;
I owed him forty francs, and my pride might have
forced me to pay him on the spot had I caught his
eye. We met a cab instantly. The driver, a mid-
dle-aged parent, was in that state of waking up in
which ideas have to push themselves into the brain.
"Where?" he asked mechanically, after I had di-
rected him, but before I could repeat the direction
the idea had reached his brain, and he nodded.
This driver was no ordinary man, for instead of
taking the narrow, blocked streets, which form the
shortest route, like the absurd 99 per cent, of driv-
ers, he aimed straight for the grand boulevard, and
was not delayed once by traffic in the whole jour-
ney. More pleasure in driving through the city as
it woke ! It was ugly, dirty — look at the dirty shirt
of the waiter rubbing the door handles of the fash-
ionable restaurant! — but it was refreshed. And
ANOTHER TRAIN 381
the friendly dog kept on biting. Scarcely any mo-
tor-cars— all the chauffeurs were yet asleep — but
the tram-cars were gliding in curves over the muddy
wood, and the three horses in each omnibus had
their early magnificent willingness of action, and
the vegetable hawkers, old men and women, were
earnestly pushing their barrows along in financial
anxiety; their heads, as they pushed, were always
much in advance of their feet. They moved for-
ward with heedless fatalism; if we collided with
them and spilled cauliflowers, so much the worse!
We reached the station, whose blue mousseline
had evaporated as we approached it, half an hour
too soon. A good horse, no stoppages, and the rec-
ord had been lowered, and the driver had earned
two francs in twenty-five minutes! Before the
Revolution he would have had to pay a franc and
a half of it in assorted taxes. Thirty minutes in a
vast station, and nothing to do. We examined the
platform signs. There was a train for Marseilles
and Monte Carlo at 9.00 and another train for Mar-
seilles at 9.15. Then ours at 9.25. Sometimes I
go south by the "Cote d'Azur," so this morning I
must inspect it, owning it. Very few people; a
short, trying-to-be-proud train. The cook was
busy in the kitchen of the restaurant-car — what
filth and smell! Separated from him only by a
partition were the flower-adorned white tables.
On the platform the officials of the train, some in
new uniforms, strolled and conversed. A young
Frenchman dressed in the height of English fash-
ion, with a fine-bred pink-under-white fox ter-
382 PARIS NIGHTS
rier, attracted my notice. He guessed it; became
self-conscious, bridled, and called sportsmannishly
to the dog. His recognition of his own vital
existence had forced him into some action. He
knew I was English, and that, therefore, I knew
all about dogs. He made the dog jump into the
car, but the animal hadn't enough sense to jump
in without impatient and violent help from behind*
I never cared to have my dogs too well-bred, lest
they should be as handsome and as silly as the
scions of ancient families. This dog's master was
really a beautiful example of perfect masculine
dressing. His cap, the length of his trousers, the
"roll" of the collar of his jacket — perfect! Yes, it
is agreeable to see a faultless achievement. Not a
woman on the train to compare to him! It is a
fact that men are always at their sartorial best
when travelling ; they then put on gay colours, and
give themselves a certain licence. . . . The
train seemed to go off while no one was looking; no
whistle, no waving of flags. It crept out. But to
the minute. . . .
* £ ^ *
It is astounding the lively joy I find in staring at
a railway bookstall. Men came up, threw down a
sou, snatched a paper, and departed; scores of
them; but I remained, staring, like a ploughman,
vaguely. . . '';
I was a quarter of an hour in buying the "Fig-
aro." What decided me was the Saturday lit-
erary supplement. We mounted into our train
before its toilette was finished. It smelt nice and
ANOTHER TRAIN 383
damp. We had a compartment to ourselves. X.
had one seat, I another, the "Mercure de France"
a third, the "Figaro" a fourth, and the valise a
fifth. Male travellers passed along the corridor
and examined us with secret interest, but exter-
nally ferocious and damnatory. Outside were two
little Frenchmen of employes, palefaces, with short,
straggly beards. One yawned suddenly, and
then said something that the other smiled at.
What diverts me is to detect the domestic man
everywhere beneath the official, beneath the mere
unit. I never see a porter without giving him a
hearth and home, and worries, and a hasty break-
fast. Then the train went, without warning, like
the other, silently. I did not pick up my newspa-
per nor my magazine at once, nor take the new
book out of my pocket. I felt so well, so full of
potential energy. . . . and the friendly dog
was still biting ... I wanted to bathe deep
in my consciousness of being alive . . . Then
I read unpublished letters of de Maupassant, and
a story by Matilde Serao and memoirs of Ernest
31um, and my new book. What pleasure ! After
all what joy I had in life! Is it not remarkable
that so simple a mechanism as print, for the trans-
mission of thought, can work so successfully!
At Melun there were teams of oxen, with the
yoke on their foreheads, in the shunting-yard.
Quaint, piquant, collusion of different centuries!
And Melun, what a charming provincial town — to
look at and pass on ! I would not think of its hard
narrowness, nor of its brewery. . . .
384 PARIS NIGHTS
The landscape shed its mousseline, and day really
began. Brilliant sunshine. We arrived. Sud-
denly I felt tired. I wished to sleep. I no longer
tingled with the joy of life. I only remembered,
rather sadly, that half an hour ago I had been a
glorious and proud being.
PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO LIBRARY
D Bennett, Arnold
k29 Paris nights, and other
B4 impressions of places and
1913 people