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1^6 



e 



IS'nx^ 




THE 



I 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS 



CF 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 




THE 



i|O!e^mou0 p^et$! 



OF 



THE PICKWICK CLUB 



BY CHARLES DICKENS. 



WITH A FRONTISPIECE. 
FROM A DESIGN BY C. R. LESLIE, ESQ., R.A. 






LONDON : 
CHAPMAN AND HALL, 186, STRAND. 



MDCCCL. 



■ l 
■ 



LuMDOir: 

BBAUBUBT AM) BVAXS, rBIKTEBS, WBITSPBIAJlS. 



TO 



MR. SERJEANT TALEOURD, M.P., 



€|)U30ooii 



IS INSCRIBED^ 



AS A MEMORIAL OF FRIENDSHIP. 



PREFACE. 



An author who has mvtth to communicate under thb head, and 
expects to liave it attended to, may be compared to a man who 
takes his fHend vbj the button at a Theatre Door, and seeks to 
entertain him witli a p^sonal gossip before he goes in to the play. 

NeTerthdess, as Pteflaces, though seldom read, are continually 
written, no doubt for the b^oof of that so richly ai^ so disinterest- 
edly endowed personage, Posterity (who will come into an immense 
foHune)v I add my legacy to the general remembrance ; the rather 
as ten years hare elapsed since the Pickwick Papers appeared in 
a completed form, and nearly twelve since the first monthly part 
was published. 

It was observed, in the Preface to the ^ginal Edition, that they 
were desired for the introduction of diverting characters and inci- 
dents ; that no ingenuity of plot was attempted^ or even at that 
time considered very feasible by the author in connexion with the 
desultory mode of publication adopted ; and that the machinery ai 
the Club) proving cumbrous in the management, was gradually 
abandoned as the work pri^essed. Although, on one of these 
points, experience and study have since taught me something, and 
I could perhaps wish no>w that these chapters were strung together 
on a stroiig^ thread of general interest, still, what they are they 
^ere designed to be. 

In the course of the last dozen years, I have seen various 
aocounts of the origiik of these Pickwick Papers ; which have, at all 



▼iii PREFACE. 

eventSi possessed — for me — the charm of perfect novelty. As I 
may infer, from the occasional appearance of such histories, that 
my readers have an interest in the matter, I will relate how they 
came into existence. 

I was a young man of three-and-twenty, when the present puh- 
Ushers, attracted by some pieces I was as that time writing in the 
Morning Chronicle newspaper (of which one series had lately been 
collected and published in two volumes, illustrated by my esteemed 
friend Mr. George Oruikshank), waited upon me to propose a 
Bomethiug that should be published in shilling numbers — then only 
known to me, or I believe, to anybody else, by a dim recollection 
of certain interminable novels in that form, which used, some 
five-and-twenty years ago, to be carried about the coimtry by 
pedlars, and over some of which I remember to have shed innu- 
merable tears, before I served my apprenticeship to. Life. 

When I opened my door in Fumival's Inn to the managing 
partner who represented the firm, I recognized in him the person 
from whose hands I had bought, two or three years previously, and 
whom I had never seen before or since, my first copy of the Maga- 
zine in which my first effusion — dropped stealthily one evening at 
twilight, with fear and trembling, into a dark letter-box, in a dark 
office, up a dark court in Fleet Street — appeared in all the glory 
of print ; on which occasion by-the-bye, — ^how well I recollect it ! — 
I walked down to Westminster Hall, and turned into it for half- 
an-hour, because my eyes were so dimmed with joy and pride^ that 
they could not bear the street, and were not fit to be seen there. 
I told my visitor of the coincidence, which we both hailed as a 
good omen ; and so fell to business. 

The idea propounded to me was that the monthly something 
should be a vehicle for certain plates to be executed by Mr. 
Seticour, and there was a notion, either on the part of that admi- 
rable humourous artist, or of my visitor (I forget which), that a 
''NiMROi) Club," the members of which were to go out shootings 



PREFACE. ix 

fishing, and so forth, and getting themselves into difficulties 
through their want of dexterity, would he the hest means of 
introducing these. I ohjected, on consideration, that although 
horn and partly hred in the country I was no great sportsman, 
except in regard of all kinds of locomotion ; that the idea was 
not novel, and had heen already much used ; that it would he 
infinitely hotter for the plates to arise naturally out of the 
text ; and that I should like to take my own way, with a freer 
range of English scenes and people, and Vas afraid I should ulti- 
mately do so in any case, whatever course I might prescrihe to 
myself at starting. My views heing deferred to, I thought of 
Mr. Pickwick, and wrote the first numher ; from the proof 
sheets of which, Mb. Seymour made his drawing of the Cluh, aud 
that happy portrait of its fotmder, hy which he is always rocog- 
nized, and which may be said to have made him a reality. I con- 
nected Mr. Pickwick with a cluh, hecause of the original sugges- 
tion, and I put in Mr. Winkle expressly for the use of Mr. Seymour. 
We started with a numher of twenty-four pages instead of thirty 
two, and four illustrations in lieu of a couple. Mr. Seymour's 
sadden and lamented death hefore the second numher was. puh* 
lished, hrought ahout a quick decision upon a point already in 
agitation ; the numher hecame one of thirty-two pages with two 
illnstrations, and remained so to the end. My friends told me it 
was a low, cheap form of puhlication,* hy which I should ruin all 
my rising hopes ; and how right my friends turned out to he, 
everyhody now knows. 

** Boz,'.* my signature in the Morning Chronicle, appended to 
the monthly cover of this hook, and retained long afterwards, was 
the nickname of a pet child, a younger hrother, whom I had 
dubhed Moses, in honour of the Vicar of Wakefield ; which heing 
facetiously pronounced through the nose, hecame Boses, and 

* This book would have costy at the then established price of novels, about 
fourgumeas and a half. 



X PREPACK 

being shortened, became Box. "Boz*' was a rery familiar beoae*' 
hold word to me» long before I was an author, and so I came to* 
a4opt it* 

It has been observed of Mr* PidLwiok, that there is a decided 
change in his character, as these pages proceed, and that he 
becomes more good and more sensible. I do nd think this diange 
will appear forced or unnatural to my readers, if they will reflect 
that in real life the peculiarities and oddities of a man who; has 
anydiing whimsical about him, generally impress us first, and 
that it is not until we are better acqu%inted with him that we 
usually begin to look below these superficial traits, and to know 
the better part of him. 

Lest there should be any wdU-intentioned persons who do 
not perceive the difference (as some such could net» when old 
MOBTALiTT was uewly published) between religion and the cant 
of religion, piety and the pretence of piety, a humbk reverence 
for the great truths of scripture Mid an audaaious and offensive 
obtrusion of its letter and not its spirit in the commonest dissen- 
sions and meanest affairs of life, to the extraordinary confusion of 
ignorant minds, let them understand that it ift always the latter, 
and never the former, which is satirized here^ Further, that the 
latter is here satirized as hemg, according to all ezperienoe, 
inconsistent with the former, impossible of union with it, and 
one of the most evil and mischievous fabehoods existent in society 
— ^whether it establish its head-quarters, for the time being, in 
Exeter HaU, or Ebenezer Chapel, or both. It may a^^ear unne* 
cessary to offer a word of observation on so plain a head. But it 
is never out of season to protest against that coarse familiarity 
with sacred things which is busy on the lip, and idle in the heart ; 
or against the confounding of Christianity with any class ot 
persons who, in the wwds of Swift, have just enough religioa 
to make them hate, and not enough to make them love, one 
another. 



PREFACE. id 

I have found it curious and interesting, looking oyer the sheets 
of this reprint, to mark what important social improyements haye 
taken place about us, almost imperceptibly, eyen since thej were 
originally written. The license of Counsel, and the degree to 
which Juries are ingeniously bewildered, are yet susceptible of 
moderation ; while an improy^nent in the mode of conducting 
Parliamentary Elections (especially for counties) is still within the 
bounds of possibility. But legal reforms haye pared the claws of 
Messrs. Bodson and Fogg; a spirit of self-respect, mutual for- 
bearance, education, an(^ co-operation, for such good ends, has 
diffused itself among their clerks ; places far apart are brought 
together, to the present conyenience and adyantage of the Public, 
and to the certain destruction^ in time, of a host of petty jealousies, 
blindnesses, and prejudices, by which the Public alone haye always 
been the sufferers ; the laws relating to imprisonment for debt are 
altered ; and the Fleet Prison is pulled down ! 

With such a retrospect, extending through so short a period, 
I shall cherish the hope that eyery yolume of this Edition 
will afford me an opportunity of recording the extermination 
of some wrong or abuse set forth in it. Who knows, but by 
the time the series reaches its conclusion, it may be discoyered 
that there are eyen magistrates in town and country, who 
should be taught to shake hands eyery day with Common-sense 
and Justice ; that eyen Poor Laws may haye mercy on the 
weak, the aged, and unfortunate ; that Schools, on the broad 
principles of Christianity, are the best adornment for the length 
and breadth of this ciyilised land ; that Prison-doors should be 
barred on the outside, no less heayily and carefully than they are 
barred within ; that the uniyersal diffusion of common means of 
decency and health is as much the right of the poorest of the 
poor, as it is indispensable to the safety of the rich, and of the 
State ; that a few petty boards and bodies — ^less than drops 
in the great ocean of humanity, which roars around them — 



xu PREFACE. 

are not to let loose Fever and Consumption on God's creatures 
at their will, or always to keep their little fiddles going, for a 
Dance of Death ! 

And that Cheap Literature is not hehind-hand with the Age, 
but holds its place, and strives to do its duty, I trust the series 
in itself may help much worthy company to show. 

London, S^teniber, 1847. 



•CONTENTS. 

— ♦ - 

PAOB 

Ghjipteil I. — The Piclcwickians 1 

Chap. II. — The first Day's Journey, and the first Evening's Adventures ; 

i¥ith their consequences 4 

• ■ • • 

Chap. III. — A new Acquaintance. The Stroller's Tale. A disagreeahle 

Interruption ; and an unpleasant Rencontre 20 

Chap. IV. — A Field-day and Bivouac — More new Friends ; and an Invi- 
tation to the Country •..•••... 27 

Chap. V. — A short one — showing, among other matters, how Mr. Pick- 
wick undertook to drive, and Mr. Winkle to ride ; and how they hoth 
did it 34 

Chap. VI. — An old-fiishioned Card Party. The Clergyman's Verses. 

The Story of the Convict's Return .40 

Chap. VII. — How Mr. Winkle, instead of shooting at the Pigeon and kill- 
ing the Cfow, shot at the Crow and wounded the Pigeon ; how the 
Dingley Dell Cricket Cluh played all Muggleton, and how all Muggle- 
ton dined at the Dingley Dell expense; with other interesting and 
instruptive matters .... 49 

Chap. VIII. — Strongly illustrative of the Position, that the course of True 

Love is not a Railway 58 

ChXp. IX. — A Discovery and a Chase • . • • ... 66 

Chap. X, — Clearing up all Douhts (if any existed) of the disinterestedness 

of Mr. Jingle's Cluwacter 71 

Chap. XI. — Involving another Journey, and an Ant^iquarian Discovery. 
Recording Mr. Pickwick's determination to he presipipt at an Election ; 
and containing a Manuscript of the old Clergyman's ,^ • • . 79 

Chap. XII. — Descriptive of a very important Proceeding cm the part of Mr. 

Pickwick; no less an epoch in his Life than in this'H^tory . . . 90 

Chap. XIII. — Some Account of Eatanswill ; -of the state or-Paf'ties therein ; 
and of the Election of a Member to serve in Paiiiaigientfor th&tnncicnt, 
loyal, and patriotic Borough • . ,•,••♦• * * ^"^ 



xiv CONTENTS. 

PAOK 

Chap. XIV. — Comprising a brief Description of the Company at the Peacock 

assembled ; and a Tale told by a Bagman 105 

Chap. XY. — In which is given a faithlhl Portraiture of two distinguished 
Persons, and an accurate description of a Public Breakfast in their 
House and Grounds : which Public Breakfast leads to the Recognition 
of an old Acquaintance, and the commencement of another Chapter 115 

Chap. XVI.— Too full of Adventure to be briefly described . . . 124 

Chap. XYII. — Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism, in some cases, acts 

as a Quickener to Inventiye Grenlus 135 

Chap. XVIII. — Briefly illustrative of two Points. First, the Power of 

Hysterics, and, Secondly, the Force of Circumstances . . • • 140 

Chap. XIX. — A pleasant Day, with an unpleasant Termination • .147 

Chap. XX. — Showing how Dodson and Fogg were Men of Business^ and 
their Clerks Men of Pleasure ; and how an affecting Interview took 
place between Mr. Weller and his long-lost Parent. Showing also, 
what Choice Spirits assembled at the Magpie and Stump, and what a 
capital Chapter the next one will be 155 

Chap. XXL — In which the old Man launches forth into his &vourite 

theme, and relates a Story about a queer Client . . . .165 

Chap. XXII. — Mr. Pickwick journeys to Ipswich, and meets with a 

romantic Adventure with a middle-aged lAdy in Yellow Curl "Papen 176 

Chap. XXIII. — In which Mr. Samuel Weller begins to devote his ensiles 

to the Return Match between Himself and Mr. Trotter • • . 185 

Chap. XXIY. — Wherein Mr. Peter Magnus grows jealous, and the middle- 
agod Lady apprehensive ; which brings the Pickwickians within the 
Grasp of the Law 190 

Chap. XXV.-^-Showing, among a variety of pleasant matters, how majestic 
and impartial Mr. Nupkins was ; and how Mr. Weller returned Mr. 
Job Trotter^s Shuttlecock, as heavily as it came. With another matter, 
which will be found in its place 200 

Chap. XXYI. — ^Which contains a brief account of the Ph)gress of the Action 

of Baidell against Pickwick 211 

Chap. XXYII. — Samuel Weller makes a Pilgrimage to Doxking, and 

beholds his Mother-in-law 215 

Chap. XXYIII. — A good-humoikred Christmas Chapter, containing an 
account of a Wedding, and some other Sports beside, which, although in 
their way even as good customs as Marriage itself, are not quite so 
religiously kept up, in these degenerate times 221 

Chap. XXIX.— The Story of the Goblins who stole a Sexton . . . 234 

Chap. XXX, — ^How the Pickwickians made and cultivated the Acquaint- 
ance of a couple of nice Young Men belonging to one of the Liberal 
Professions ; how they disported themselves on the Ice ; and how their 
Visit came to a conclusion ^ • 240 

Chap. XXXI. — ^Which is all about the Law, and sundry Great Authorities 

learned therein » , • 247 







CONTENTS. XT 

PAOB 

Chap. XXXII. — "Detcabti, hit more fiiUf thsn tbe Court Newiman ever 
did, a Bachelor's Party, given by Mr. Bob Sawyer at his Lodging! in 
theBorongh 257 

Chap. XXXIIL — Mr. Weller the elder deliTers some Critical Sentiments 
respecting Literary Composition ; and, assisted by his son Samuel, pays 
a small Instalment of Retaliation to the account of the Reverend Gen- 
tleman with the Red Nose 265 

Chap. XXXIY. — Is wholly dented to a full and faithful Report of the 

memorable Trial of Bardell against Pickwick 275 

Chap. XXXYr-^In which Mr. Pickwick thinks he had better go to Bath ; 

and goes accordingly 290 

Chap. XXXYL — The chief features of which, will be found to be an authentic 
Yersion of the Legend of Prince Bladud, and a most extraordinary 
Calamity that befel Mr. Winkle 300 

Chap. XXXYIL-^Honourably accounts for Mr. WeUer*s Absence, by de- 
scribing a Soir^ to which he was invited, and went. Also relates , 
how he was intrusted by Mr. Pickwick with a Private Misnon of 
Delicacy and Importance ••••«.... 307 

Chap. XXXVIIL-^How Mr. Winkle, when he stepped out of the Fiying- 

pao, walked gently and comfortably into the Fire . . . .315 

Chap. XXXIX. — ^Mr. Samuel Weller, being intrusted with a Mission of 

Love, proceeds to execute it ; with what snceess will hereinafter appear 323 

Crap. XL. — ^Introduces Mr. Pickwick to a new, and not uninteresting 

Scene, in the great Drama of Life • . .... 332 

Chap. XLL — What befel Mr. Pickwick when he got into the Fleet ; what 

Prisonen he saw there ; and how he passed the Night • . . 340 

Chap. XLII. — Illustrative, like the preceding one, of the old Proyerb, that 
* Adversity brings a Man acquainted with strange Bed-fellows. Like- 
wise containing Mr. Pickwick^s extraordinary and startling announce- 
ment to Mr. Samuel Weller 348 

Chap. XLIII. — Showing how Mr. Samuel Weller got into difficulties • . 357 

Chap. XLIY. — Treats of divers little matters which occurred in the Fleet, 
and of Mr. Winkle's mysterious Behaviour ; and shows how the poor 
Chancery Prisoner obtained his Release at last .... 365 

Chap. XLY. — Descriptive of an affecting Interview between Mr. Samuel 
Weller and a Family Party. Mr. Pickwick makes a Tour of the 
diminutive World he inhabits, and resolves to mix with it, in future, as 
little aspossiblo 373 

Chap. XLYI. — Records a touching Act of delicate Feeling, not unmixed 

with Pleasantry, achieved and performed by Messrs. Dodson and Fogg 384 

Chap. XLYIL — Is chiefly devoted to matters of business, and the temporal 
Advantage of Dodson and Fogg. Mr. Winkle re-appears under extra- 
ordinary circumstances; and Mr. Pickwick^s Benevolence proves stronger 
than his Obstinacy 390 

Chap. XLYIII. — Relates how Mr. Pickwick, with the assistance of Samuel 
Weller, essayed to soften the heart of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and to 
mollify the wrath of Mr. Robert Sawyer 897 



XTi CONTENTS. 

PAOC 

Chap. XLIX. — Containing the Story of the Bagmftn*8 Uncle . . 405 

Chap. L. — ^How Mr. Pickwick sped upon his Mission, and how he was 

reinforced^ in the Oatset, by almost unexpected Auxiliary . . . 416 

Chap. LI. — In which Mr. Pickwick encounters an old Acquaintance. To 
which fortunate circumstance the Reader is mainly indebted for matter 
of thrilling interest herein set down, concerning two great . 'blic Men 
of might and power 425 

Chap. LII. — Involving a serious Change in the Weller Family, and the 

untimely downfal of the red-nosed Mr. Stiggins 434 

Chap. LIII. — Comprising the final exit of Mr. Jingle and Job Trotter; with 
a Great Morning of Business in Gray's Inn Square. Concluding with 
a Double Knock at Mr. Perker*s door 442 

Chap. LIY. — Containing some Particulars relative to the Double Knock, 
and other Matters, among which certain Interesting Disclosui'es 
relative to Mr. Snodgrass and a Young Lady are by no means irrelevant 
to this History 450 

Chap. LY. — Mr. Solomon Pell, assisted by a Select Committee of Coach- 
men, arranges the Affairs of the elder Mr. Weller . . . 459 

Chap. LVI. — An Important Conference takes place between Mr. Pickwick 
and Samuel Weller, at which his Parent assists. An old Gentleman 
in a snuff-coloured Suit arrives unexpectedly 467 

Chap. LVII. — In which the Pickwick Club is finally dissolved, and every- 
thing concluded to the satisfaction of everybody . • . • 475 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS 



OF 



THE PICKWICK CLUB 



CHAPTER I. 



THB PICKWICKIANS. 



The first ray of light which illu- 
mines the gloom, and converts into a 
dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in 
which tiiie earlier history of the public 
career of the immortal Pickwick would 
appear to be involved, is derived from 
the perusal of the following entry in 
the Transactions of the Pickwick Club, 
which the editor of these papers feels 
the highest pleasure in laying before 
his readers, as a proof of the careful 
attention, indefatigable assiduity, and 
nice discrimination, with which his 
search among the multifarious docu- 
ments confid^ to him has been con- 
dacted. 

'*May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, 
Esq., P.V .P. M.P.C.* presiding. The 
following resolutions unanimously 
agreed to. 

''That; this Association has heard 
read, with feelings of unmingled satis- 
faction, and unqualified appro^, the 
paper communicated by Samuel Pick- 
wick, Esq., G.C.M-.P.C.f entitled 
" Speculations on the Source of the 
Hampstead Ponds, with some Ob- 
servations on the Theory of Tittle- 
bats f and that this Association does 
hereby return its warmest thanks to 
the said Samuel Pick^ck, Esq., G.C. 
M.P.C. for the same. 

* Perpetnal Yice-President — Member 
Pickwtek dab. 

t Geaexal Chairman— Member Pickwick 
Club. 

No. 1. 



"That while 
deeply sensible 



this Association is 
of the advantages 
which must accrue to the cause of 
science, from the production to which 
they have just adverted, no less than 
from the unwearied res^rches of 
Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C. M.P.C. 
in Homsey, Highgate, Brixton, and 
Camberwell ; they cannot but enter- 
tain a lively sense of the inestimable 
benefits which must inevitably result 
from carrying the speculations of that 
learned man into a wider field, from 
extending his travels,, and consequently 
enlarging his sphere of observation ; 
to the advancement of knowledge, and 
the difiusion of learning. 

** That with the view, just men- 
tioned, this Association has taken into 
its serious consideration a proposal, 
emanating from the aforesaid Samuel 
Pickwick, Esq., G.C. M.P.C, and three 
other Pickwicluans hereinafter named, 
for forming a new branch of United 
Pickwickians under the title of The 
Corresponding Society of the Pick- 
wick Club. 

" That the said proposal has received 
the sanction and approval of this Asso- 
ciation. 

** That the Corresponding Society of 
the Pickwick Club is theremre hereby 
constituted ; and that Samuel Pick- 
wick, Esq., G.C. M.P.C., Tracy Tup- 
man, Esq., M.P.C, Augustus Snod- 
grass,Esq., M.P.C, and Nathaniel 

B 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Winkle^ Esq., M.P.C., are hereby 
nominated and appointed members of 
the same : and that they be requested 
to forward, from time to time, authen- 
ticated accounts of their journeys and 
inyestigations ; of their observations 
of chanuster and manners ; and of the 
whole of their adventures, together with 
all tales and papers, to which local 
scenery or associations may give rise, 
to the Pickwick Club, stationed in 
London. 

<< That this Association cordially re- 
cognises the principle of every member 
of the Corresponding Society defraying 
his own travelling expenses ; and that 
it sees no objection whatever to the 
members of tiie said society pursuing 
their inquiries for any length of time 
they please, upon the same terms. 

^ That the members of the aforesaid 
'Corresponding Society, be, and are, 
hereby informed, that their proposal 
to pay the postage of their letters, and 
the carriage of Sieir parcels, has been 
deliberated upon, by this Association. 
That this Association considers such 
proposal worthy of the great minds 
from which it emanated ; and that it 
hereby signifies its perfect acquies- 
•conoe therein.'* 

A casual observer, adds the secre- 
tary, to whose notes we are indebted 
for the following account — a casual 
observer might possibly have remarked 
nothing extraordinary in the bald 
head, and circular spectacles, which 
were intently turned towards his (the 
secretary's) face, during the reading of 
the above resolutions. To those who 
knew tlyit the gigantic brain of Pick- 
wick was workmg beneath that fore- 
head, and that tilie beaming eyes of 
Pickwick were twinkling behind those 
glasses, the sight was indeed an inter- 
esting one. There sat the man who 
had traced to their source the mighty 
ponds of Hampstead, and agitated the 
scientific world with his Theory of 
Tittlebats, as calm and unmoved as 
the deep waters of the one on a frosty 
day, or as a solitary specimen of the 
otner, in the inmost recesses of an 
.earthen jar. And how much more 
interesting did the spectacle become, 



when, starting into full life and anima- 
tion, as a simultaneous call for <* Pick- 
wick" burst from his followers, that 
illustrious man slowly mounted into 
the Windsor chair, on which he had 
been previously seated, and addressed 
the club himself had founded. * What 
a study for an artist did that exciting 
scene present ! The eloquent Pick- 
wick, with one hand gracefully con- 
cealed behind his ooat tails, and the 
other waving in air, to assist his glowing 
declamation : his elevated position re- 
vealing those tights and gaiters, which, 
had tibey clothed an ordinary man, 
might have passed without observation, 
but which, when Pickwick clothed 
them — ^if we may use the expression — 
inspired involuntary awe and respect ; 
surrounded by the men who had volun- 
teered to share the perils of his travels, 
and who were destined to participate 
in the glories of his discoveries. On 
his right hand, sat Mr. Tracy Tupman ; 
the too susceptible Tupman, who to 
the wisdom and experience of maturer 
years superadded tiie enthusiasm and 
ardour of a boy, in the most interest- 
ing and pardonable of human weak- 
nesses — ^love. Time and feeding had 
expanded that once romantic form ; 
the black silk waistcoat had become 
more and more developed ; inch bv 
inch had the gold watch-chain beneath 
it disappeared from within the range 
of Tupman's vision ; and gradually 
had the capacious chin encroached 
upon the borders of the white cravat, 
but the soul of Tupman had known no 
change — admiration of the fair sex 
was still its ruling passion. On the 
left of his great leader sat the poetic 
Snodgrass, and near him again the 
sporting Winkle, the former poetically 
enveloped in a mysterious blue cloak 
with a canine-skin collar, and the 
latter communicating additional lustre 
to a new ereen shooting coat, plaid 
neckerchief and closely fitted drabs. 

Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this 
occasion, together with the debate 
thereon, is entered on the Transac- 
tions of the Club. Both bear a strong 
affinity to the discussions of other 
celebrated bodies ; and, as it is always 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



inieresdiig to trace a resemblance be- 
tween Hie proceedings of great mea, 
we transfiMr the entry to tiieise pages. 

« Mr. Pickwick observed (says the 
Secretary) that fame was dear to the 
heart of every man. Poetic &me was 
dear to tiie heart oi his friend Snod- 
ffnsB, the fame of conquest was equally 
dear to his friend Tupman ; and the 
desire of earning &me, in -Qie sports 
of the field, the air, and the water, 
was uppermost in the breast of his 
friend Winkle. He (Mr. Pickwick) 
would not deny, that he was inflaenced 
by human passions, and human feel- 
ings, (cheers) — possibly by human 
weaknesses — (loud cries of <^No") ; 
but this he woiud say, that if ever the 
fire of self-importance broke out in his 
bosom the desire to benefit the human 
race in preference, effectually quenched 
it. The i^raise of mankind was his 
Swing; j>hilanthropy was his insur- 
Anoe office. (Vehement cheering.) He 
had felt some pride~^he acknoidedged 
it freely ; and let his enemies make 
the most of it — ^he had felt some pride 
when he presented his Tittlebatian 
Theory to the world ; it might be cele- 
brated or it might not (A cry of " It 
is," and great cheering.) He would 
take the assertion of that honourable 
Pickwickian whose voice he had just 
iieard — ^it was celebrated ; but if the 
fame of lliat treatise were to extend to 
the farthest confines of the known 
worid, the pride with which he should 
reflect on tiie authorship of that pro- 
duction, would be as nothing compared 
with the pride with which he looked 
around hun, on this, the proudest mo- 
ment of his existence. ^Cheers.) He 
was a humble individual. (No, no.) 
Still he could not but feel that they 
had selected him fur a service of great 
honour, and of some danger. Travel- 
ling was in a troubled state, and the 
minds of coachmen were unsettled. 
Let them look abroad, and contem- 
plate the scenes which were enacting 
around theno. Stage coaches were up- 
setting in all directions, horses were 
bohing, boats were overturning, and 
boilers were bursting. (Cheers — a 
voice. « No.") No! (Cheers.) Let 



that honourable Pickwickian who cried 
"No" so loudly, come forward and 
deny it, if he could. (Cheers.) Who 
was it that cried « No I" (Enthusi- 
astic cheering.) Was it some vain 
and disappointed man — he would not 
say haberdasher — (loud cheers) — who, 
jealous of the praise which had been — 
perhaps undeservedly — bestowed on 
his (Mr. Pickwick's) researches, and 
smarting under the censure which had 
been heaped upon his own feeble at- 
tempts at rivalry, now took this vile 
and calumnious mode of 

" Mr. Blotton, (of Aldgate,) rose 
to order. Did the honourable Pick- 
wickian aillude to him ? (Cries of 
" Order," « Chau-," « Yes," « No," 
« Go on," « Leave off," &c.) 

** Mr. Pickwick would not put up 
to be put down by clamour. He 
had alluded to the honourable gentie- 
man. (Great excitement). 

** Mr. Blotton would only say then, 
that he repelled ^e hon. gent's false 
and scurrilous accusation, with -pro- 
found contempi (Great cheering.) 
The hon. gent, was a humbug. (Im- 
mense confusion, and loud cries of 
« ChMr " and « Order.") 

" Mr. A. Snodqrass rose to order. 
He threw himself upon the chair. 
(Hear.) He wished to know, whether 
this disgraceful contest between two 
members of that club, should be al- 
lowed to continue. (Hear, hear.) 

** The Chairman was quite sure the 
hon. Pickwickian would withdraw the 
expression he had just made use of. 

"Mr. Blotton, with all possible 
respect for the chair, was quite sure 
he would not. 

** The Chairman felt it his impera- 
tive duty to demand of the honour- 
able gentleman, whether he had used 
the expression which had just escaped 
him, in a common sense. 

" Mr. Blotton had no hesitation in 
saying, that he had not — ^he had used 
the word in its Pickwickian sense. 
(Hear, hear.) He was bound to ac- 
knowledge, that, personally, he enter- 
tained the highest regard and esteem 
for the honourable gentleman ; he had 
merely considered Mm a humbug in a 

b2 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Pickwickian point of view. {Hear, 
hear.) 

* Mr. Pickwick felt much gratified 
by the fair^ candid, and full explana- 
tion of his honourable friend. He 
begged it to be at once understood, 
that his own observations had been 
merely intended to bear a Pickwickian 
construction. (Cheers.)" 

Here the entry terminates, as we 



have no doubt the debate did also^ 
after arriving at such a highly satis- 
factory, and intelligible point. We 
have no official statement of the facts, 
which the reader will ftnd recorded 
in the next chapter, but they have 
been carefully collated from letters 
and other MS. authorities, so unques- 
tionably genuine, as to justify their 
narration in a connected form. 



CHAPTER 11. 

THE FIRST day's JOUBNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING's ADVENTURES ; WITH 

THEIR CONSEQUENCES. 



That punctual servant of all work, 
the sun, had just risen, and begun to 
strike a light on the morning of the 
thirteenth of May, one thousand eight 
hundred and twenty-seven, when Mr. 
Samuel Pickwick burst lik^ another 
sun from his slumbers ; threw open 
his chamber window, and looked out 
upon the world beneath. Groswell- 
street was at his feet, Goswell-street 
was on his right hand — as far as the 
eye could reach, Goswell-street ex- 
tended on his left ; and the opposite 
side of Goswell-street was over the 
way. ** Such,'* thought Mr. Pickwick, 
** are the narrow views of those philo- 
sophers who, content with examining 
the things that lie before them, look 
not to the truths which are hidden 
beyond. As well might I be content 
to gaze on Goswell-street for ever, 
without one effort to penetrate to the 
hidden countries which on every side 
surround it.'* And having given vent 
to this beautiful reflection, Mr. Pick- 
wick proceeded to put himself into his 
clothes ; and his clothes into his port- 
manteau. Great men are seldom over 
scrupulous in the arraui^ement of their 
atth*e ; the operation o'. shaving, dress- 
ing, and coffee-imbibing was soon per- 
formed: and, in another hour, Mr. 
Pickwick, with hit, portmanteau in his 
hand, his telescope in his gretft-coat 
pocket, and hit note-book in his waist- 
coat, ready for the reception of any«i 



discoveries worthy of being noted 
down, had arrived at the coach stand 
in St. Martin's-le-Grand. 

« Cab 1 ** said Mr. Pickwick. 

'^Here you are, sir,*' shouted a 
strange specimen of the human race, 
in a sackcloth coat, and apron of the 
same, who with a brass label and 
number round his neck, looked as if he 
were catalogued in some collection of 
rarities. This was the waterman. 
<< Here you are, sir. Now, then, fust 
cab !" And the first cab having been 
fetched from the public-house, where 
he had been smoking his first pipe, 
Mr. Pickwick and his portmanteau 
were thrown into the vehicle. 

"Golden Cross," said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Only a bob's vorth. Tommy," — 
cried the driver, sulkily, for the infor- 
mation of his friend the waterman, as 
the cab drove off. 

" How old is that horse, my friend !*' 
inquired Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his 
nose with the shilling he had reserved 
for the fare. 

"Forty-two,'* replied the driver, 
eyeing him askant. 

« What 1" ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, 
laying his hand upon his note-book. 
The driver reiterated his former state- 
ment. Mr. Pickwick looked very hard 
at the man's face, but his features 
were immoveable, so he noted down 
the fact forthwith. 

" And how long do you keep him 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



out at a time!" inquired Mr. Pick- 
wick, searching for fiocrther informa- 
tion. 

<< Two or three veeks,'* replied the 
man. 

** Weeks ! " said Mr. Pickwick in 
astonishment — and out came the note- 
book again. 

" He lives at Pentonwil when he 's 
at home," observed tiie driver, coolly, 
''but we seldom takes him home, on 
account of his veakness.*' 

'< On account of his weakness ; ** 
reiterated the perplexed Mr. Pickwick. 

'* He always £bJ1s down, when he *s 
took out o' the cab," continued the 
driver, << but when he 's in it, we bears 
him up werry tight, and takes him in 
werry short, so as he can't werry well 
fall down, and we've got a piur o' 
precious large wheels on ; so ven he 
does move, they run after him, and he 
must go on — ^he can't help it." 

Mr. Pickwick entered every word 
of this statement in his note-book, with 
the view of communicating it to the 
club, as a singular instance of the 
tenacity of life in horses, under trying 
circumstances. The entry was scarcely 
completed when they reached the 
Golden Cross. Down jumped the 
driver, and out got Mr. Pickwick. 
Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. 
Winkle, who had been anxiously wait- 
ing the arrival of their illustrious 
leader, crowded to welcome him. 

" Here 's your fare," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, holding out the shilUng to the 
driver. 

What was the learned man's asto- 
nishment, when that unaccountable 
person flung the money on the pave- 
ment, and requested in figurative terms 
to be allowed the pleasure of fighting 
him (Mr. Pickwick) for the amount 1 

'^ You are mad,*' said Mr. Snodgrass. 

« Or drunk," said Mr. Winkle. 

« Or both," said Mr. Tupman. 

*'Come on,*' said the cab-driver, 
q)arring away Uke clockwork. «Come 
on — all four on you." 

'^ Here *s a lark ! " shouted half-a- 
dozen hackney coachmen. <<Go to 
vork, Sam,** — and they crowded with 
great glee round the party. 



« What's the row, Sam !" inquired 
one gentleman in black calico sleeves. 

^ ** Row !" replied the cabman, « what 
did he want my number for !" 

'^ I didn't want your number," said 
the astonished Mr. Pickwick. 

« What did you take it for, then ?" 
inquired the cabman. 

«I didn't take it," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, indignantly. 

" Would any body believe," conti- 
nued the cab-driver, appealing to the 
crowd, — ^*' would any body believe as 
an informer 'ud go about in a man's 
cab, not only takin' down his number, 
but ev'ry word he says into the bar- 
gain, (a light flashed upon Mr. Pick- 
wick — it was the note-book.)" 

** Did he though ?" inquired another 
cabman. 

** Yes, did he," replied the first — 
*^and then arter aggera^atin' me to 
assault him, gets three witnesses here 
to prove it. But I '11 give it him, if 
I*ve six months for it. Come on," 
and the cabman dashed his hat upon 
the ground, with /a reckless disregoi'd 
of his own private property, and 
knocked Mr. Pickwick*s spectacles off, 
and followed up the attack with a blow 
on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and another 
on Mr. Pickwick's chest, and a third 
in Mr. Snodgrass's eye, and a fourth, 
by way of variety, in Mr. Tupman's 
waistcoat, and then danced into the 
road, and then back again to the pave- 
ment, and finally dashed the whole 
temporary supply of breath out of 
Mr. Winkle's body; and all in half-a- 
dozen seconds. 

« Where 's an officer 1 " said Mr. 
Snodgrass. 

" Put 'em under the pump," sug- 
gested a hot-pieman. 

*' You shaU smart for this," gasped 
Mr. Pickwick. 

" Informers," shouted the crowd. 

** Come on," cried the cabman, who 
had been sparring without cessation 
the whole time. 

The mob had hitherto been passive 
spectators of the scene, but as the in- 
telligence of the Pickwickians being 
informers was spread among tliem, 
they began to canvass with consider- 



6 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



able yiTadty the propriety of enfarcing 
tlie heated pastry-vendor's proposition : 
and there is no saying what acts of 
personal aggression they might have 
committed, had not the affray been 
unexpectedly terminated by the inter- 
position of a new comer. 

« What's the fun I" said a rather 
tall liiin young man, in a green coat, 
emei^g suddenly from the coach- 
yard- 

« Informers ! " shouted the crowd 
again. 

" We are not," roared Mr. Pick- 
wick, in a tone which, to any dispas- 
sionate listener, carried conviction 
with it. 

" Ain't you, though, — ain't you I " 
said the young man, appealing to Mr. 
Pickwick, and making his way through 
the crowd, by the infallible process of 
elbowing the countenances of its com- 
ponent members. 

That learned man in a few hurried 
words explained the real state of the 
case. 

» Come along, then," said he of the 
green coat, lugging Mr. Pickwick after 
him by main force, and talking tiie 
whole way. ** Here, No. 924, take 
your fare, and take yourself off — 
respectable gentleman, — ^know him 
well — ^none of vour nonsense — ^this 
way, sir — where s your friends? — all 
a mistake, I see — ^never mind — ^acci- 
dents will happen — ^best regnhited 
families — ^never sav die — down upon 
your luck — ^pull him up — put that in 
nis pipe — ^like the flavour — damned 
rascals." And with a lengthened 
string of sunilar broken sentences, 
delivered with extraordinary volu- 
bility, the stranger led the way to the 
travellers' waiting-room, whither he 
was closely followed by Mr. Pickwick 
and his disciples. 

<' Here, waiter," shouted the stran- 
ger, ringing the bell with tremendous 
violence, '' glasses round, — ^brandy and 
water, hot and strong, and sweet, and 
plenty, — eye damag^, sir I Waiter ; 
raw beef-steak for the gentleman's 
eye, — ^nothing like raw beef-steak for 
a bruise, sir ; cold lamp post very 
good, but lamp'post inconvenient — 



damned odd standing in the open street 
half-an-hour, with your eye against a 
lamp-post — eh, — very good — ^ha ! ha 1" 
And the stranger, without stopping to 
take breath, swallowed at a draught 
full half-a-pint of the reeking brandy 
and water, and flung himself into a 
chair with as much ease afl if nothing 
uncommon had occurred. 

While his three companions were 
busily engaged in proffering their 
thanks to uieir new acquaintance, Mr. 
Pickwick had leisure to ^examine his 
costume and appearance. 

He was about the middle height, 
but the thinness of his body, and the 
length of his legs, gave hun the ap- 
pearance of being much taller. The 
green coat had been a smart dress 
garment in the days of swallow- 
tails, but had evidently in those times 
adorned a much diorter man than the 
stranger, for the soiled and faded 
sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists. 
It was buttoned closely up to his chin^ 
at the imminent hazard of splitting the 
back ; and an old stock, without a 
vestige of shirt collar, ornamented his 
neck. His scanty black trousers dis- 
played here and there those shiny 
patches which beeqpeak long service, 
and were stnmped very tightly over 
a pair of patched and mended shoes, 
as if to conceal the dirty white stock- 
ings, which werenevertheless distinctly 
visible. His long black hair escaped 
in negligeut waves from beneath esdl 
side of his old pinched up hat ; and 
glimpses of his bare wrist might be 
observed, between the tops of his 
.gloves, and the cuffs of his coat sleeves. 
His face was thin and haggard ; but 
an indescribable air of jauntv impu- 
dence and perfect self-possession per- 
vaded the whole man. 

Such was the individual, on whom Mr. 
Pickwick gazed through his spectacles 
(which he had fortunatelv recovered), 
and to whom he proceeded, when his 
friends had exhausted themselves, Uy 
return, in chosen terms, his wannest 
thanks for his recent assistance. 

** Never mind," said the stranger^ 
cutting the address very short, '^ said 
enough, — no more ; smart chap that 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



cabman — ^handled his fives well ; but 
if I*d been your friend in the green 
jemmy — damn me — punch his head, — 
cod I would, — apis's whispep — ^pieman 
too, — no gammon." 

This coherent speech was inter- 
rupted by the entrance of the Rochester 
coachman, to announce that <* The 
Commodore" was on the point of 
starting. 

<c Conmiodore ! " said the stranger, 
staftingup, '* my coach, — ^phtce booked, 
^-one outmde — ^leave you to pay for 
the brandy and water, — ^want change 
for a five, — bad silver — Brummagem 
buttons — ^won't do — ^no go — eh I ** and 
he shook his head most knowingly. 

Now it so happened that Mr. Pick- 
wick and his tluree companions had 
resolved to make Rochester their first 
halting place too ; and having inti- 
mated to their new-found acquaintance 
that they were journeying to the same 
city, they agreed to occupy the seat at 
the back of the coach, where they 
could all sit together. 

<* Up with you," said the stranger, 
Afwiwting Mr. Pickwick on to the roof 
with so much precipitation, as to im- 
pair the gravity of that gentleman's 
deportment very materially. 

«* Any luggage, sir \ " inquired the 
coacmnan. 

« Who — ^I 1 Brown paper parcel 
here, that's all, other luggage gone by 
water, — ^packing cases, nailed up — ^big 
as houses — heavy, heavy, damned 
heavy," replied the stranger, as he 
forced into his pocket as much as he 
could of flie brown paper parcel, which 
presented most suspicious indications 
of ccmtaining one shirt and a hand- 
kerchief. 

<< Heads, heads, take care of your 
heads," cried the loquacious stranger, 
as they came out under the low arch- 
way, which in those days formed the 
entrance to thecoach-yud. ** Terrible 
place — dangerous work— other day-^ 
five children — ^mother — ^tall lady, eat- 
ing sandwiches — forgot the arch — 
cnsh — knock — chUdmL look round — 
mother's head off— sandwich, in her 
hand — ^no mouth to put it in — ^head 
cf a family off— shocking, shocking. 



Looking at Whitehall, sir, — ^fine pkoe 
— ^little window — somebody else's bead 
off there, eh, sir ! — ^he didn't keep a 
sharp look'Out enough either— eh, 
sir, eh f 

" I was ruminating," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, <<on the strange mutability of 
human aflkdrs." 

'< Ah ! I see — ^in at the palace door 
one day, out at the window the next. 
PhOosopher, sir !" 

''An observer of human natorey 
sir," said Mr. Pickwick. 

''Ah, so am I. Most people are 
when they've little to do and less to 
get Poet, sir!" 

"My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a 
strong poetic torn," said Mr. Pickwick. 

"So have I," said the stranger* 
"Kpic poem, — ten thousand lines^ 
revolution of July — composed it on the 
spot — Mars by day, Apollo by nig^t, 
— ^bang the field-piece, twang the lyre.** 

" You were present at that glorious 
scene, sir!" said Mr. Snodgrass. 

"Present! think I was*; fired a 
musket, — ^fired with an idea^ — ^rushed 
into wine shop — wrote it down — ^back 
again — ^whiz, bang — another idea — 
wine shop again — ^pen and ink — back 
again — cut and slae^ — ^noble time, sir. 
Sportsman, sir !" abruptly turning to 
Mr. Winkle. 

"A little, sir," replied that gentleman* 

"Fine pursuit, sir, — ^fine pursuitir-^ 
Dogs, sir!" 

" Not just now," said Mr. Winlde. 

"Ah ! you should keep dogs — ^fine 
animals — sagacious creatures---dog ot 
my own once — ^Pointer — surpricong 
instinct — out shooting one day — enter- 
ing incloeuie — ^whistled — dog stopped 
— whistled again — Ponto — nogo: stock 
still — called him— Ponto, Ponto — 
wouldn't move — dog transfixed — 
staring at a board — ^looked up, saw an 
inscription — ^Gamekeeper has orders 
to shoot all dogs found in this indo- 
sure' — wouldn't pass it — wonderful 
dog'— valuable dog that — ^very." 



• A nmarkable lustanoe of the propbetio 
force of Mr. Jingle's imagixiatlon; this ma- 
logue occurring in the year 1837 : and th* 
ReTOlution in 1890. 



8 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



*< Singular circumstance that," said 
Mr. Pickwink. « Will you allow me 
to make a note of it?" 

" Certainly, sir, certainly — ^hundred 
more anecdotes of the same animal. — 
Fine girl, sir" (to Mr. Tracy Tupman, 
who had been bestowing sundry anti- 
Pickwickian glances on a young lady 
by the roadside). 

« Very !" said Mr. Tupman. 

« English girls not so fine as Spanish 
— noble creatures — jet hair — ^black 
eyes — lovely forms — sweet creatures — 
beautiful." 

** You have been in Spain, sir t" said 
Mr. Tracy Tupman, 

** lived there — ages." 

*'Many conquests, sir?" inquired 
Mr. Tupman. 

''Conquests ! Thousands. Don Bolaro 
Fizzgig — ^Grandee — only daughter — 
Donna Christina— splendid creature — 
loved me to distraction — jealous father 
— ^high-souled daughter — ^handsome 
Englishman— Donna Christina in 
despair — prussic acid — stomach pump 
in my portmanteau — operation per- 
formed — old Bolaro in ecstacies — con- 
sent to our union — join hands and 
floods of tears — romantic storj' — 
very." 

'' Is the lady in England now, sir ?" 
inquired Mr. Tupman, on whom the 
description of her charms had produced 
a powerful impression. 

'' Dead, sir-— dead," said the stranger, 
applying to his right eye the brief 
remnant of a very old cambric hand- 
kerchief. "Never recovered the 
stomach pump — undermined constitu- 
tion — fell a victim." 

"And her father 1" inquired the 
poetic Snodgrass. 

" Remorse and misery," replied the 
stranger. " Sudden disappearance — 
talk of the whole city — search made 
everywhere — without success — ^public 
fountain in the great square suddenly 
ceased playing — ^weeks elapsed — still a 
stoppage — ^workmen employed to clean 
it — ^water drawn off — father-in-law dis- 
covered sticking head first in the main 
pipe, with a fiill confession in his right 
boot — took him out, and the fountain 
played away again, as well as ever." 



" Will you allow me to note that 
little romance down, sir V* said Mr. 
Snodgrass, deeply affected. 

*' Certainly, ar, certainly, — fifty 
more if yon like to hear 'em — strange 
life mine — rather curious history — not 
extraordinary, but singular." 

In this strain, witi^ an occasional 
glass of ale, by way of parenthesis, 
when the coach changed horses, did 
the stranger proceed, until they reached 
Rochester bridge, by which time the 
note-books, both of Mr. Pickwick and 
Mr. Snodgrass, were completely filled 
with selections from his adventures. 

" Magnificent ruin !" said Mr. Au- 
gustus Snodgrass, with all the poetic 
fervour that distinguished him, when 
they came in sight of the fine old castle. 

" What a study for an antiquarian," 
were the very words which fell from 
Mr. Pickwick's mouth, as he applied 
his telescope to his eye. 

"Ah I fine place," said the stranger, 
" glorious pile — ^frowning walls — totter- 
ing arches — dark nooks — crumbling 
staircases — Old cathedral too — earthy 
smell — pilgrims' feet worn away the 
old steps — little Saxon doors — con- 
fessioniUs like money-takers' boxes at 
theatres — queer customers those monks 
— Popes, and Lord Treasurers, and all 
sorts of old fellows, with great red 
faces, and broken noses, turning up 
every day — buff jerkins too — ^match- 
locks — Sarcophagus — fine place — old 
legends too — strange stories : capital ;" 
and the stranger continued to solilo- 
quize until they reached tlie Bull Inn, 
in the High-street, where the coach 
stopped. 

" Do you remain here, sir 1 " inquired 
Mr. Nathaniel Winkle. 

"Here — ^not I — but you'd better — 
good house — nice beds — ^Wright's next 
house, dear — very dear — half-a-crown 
in the bill, if you look at the waiter — 
charge you more if you dine at a 
friend's than they would if you dined in 
the coffee-room — ^rum fellows — ^very." 

Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, 
and murmured a few words ; a whisper 
passed .from Mr. Pickwick to Mr. 
Snodgrass, £rom Mr. Snodgrass to Mr. 
Tupman, and nods of assent were ex- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



9 



changed. Mr. Pickwick addressed the 
stranger. 

<< You rendered us a very important 
service, this morning, sir," said he ; 
" will you allow us to offer a slight 
mark of our gratitude by begging the 
favour of your company at dinner i ** 

"Great pleasure — ^not presume to 
dictate, but broiled fowl and mush- 
rooms — capital thing ! What time I *' 
''Let me see," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick, referring to his watch, ''it is 
now nearly three. Shall we say five 1 *' 
^ Suit me excellently," said the 
stranger, "five precisely — ^tiU then — 
care of yourselves ; " and lifting the 
pinched up hat a few inches from his 
head, and carelessly replacing it very 
much on one side, the stranger, with 
half the brown paper parcel sticking 
out of his pocket, walked briskly up 
the yard, and turned into the High- 
street. 

" Evidently a traveller in many 
countries, and a close observer of men 
and things," said Mr. Pickwick. 

"I should like to see his poem," 
said Mr. Snodgrass. 

" I should Uke to have seen that 
dog," said Mr. Winkle. 

Mr. Tupman said, nothing ; but he 
thought of Donna Christina, the sto- 
mach pump, and the fountain ; and his 
eyes filled with tears. 

A private sitting-room having been 
engaged, bed-rooms inspected, and 
dinner ordered, the party walked out 
to view the dity, and adjoining neigh- 
bourhood. 

We do not find, from a careful peru- 
sal of Mr. Pickwick's notes on the four 
towns, Stroud, Rochester, Chatham, 
and Brompton, that bib impressions of 
their appearance differ in any material 
point, from those of other travellers 
who have gone over the same ground. 
His general description is easily 
abridged. 

" The principal productions of these 
tawns," says Mr. Pickwick, "appear 
to be soldiers, sailors, Jews, chalk, 
shrimps, officers, and. dockyard men. 
The commodities chiefly exposed for 
sale in the public streets, are marine 
stores, hord-bake, apples, flat-fish, and 



oysters. The streets present a lively 
and animated appearance, occasioned 
chiefly by the conviviality of the mili- 
tary. It is truly delightful to a philan- 
thropic mind, to see these gallant men, 
staggering along under the influence of 
an overflow, both of animal, and ardent 
spirits ; more especially when we re- 
member that the following them about, 
and jesting with them, affords a cheap 
and innocent amusement for the boy 
population. Nothing (adds Mr. Pick- 
wick) can exceed their good humour. 
It was but the day before my arrival, 
that one of them had been most grossly 
insulted in the house of a publican. 
The bar-maid had positively refused to 
draw him any more liquor ; in return 
for which, he had (merely in playful- 
ness) drawn his bayonet, and wounded 
the girl in the shoulder. And yet this 
fine fellow was the very first to go down 
to the house next morning, and express 
his readiness to overlook the matter, 
and forget what had occurred ! 

" The consumption of tobacco in 
these towns (continues Mr. Pickwick) 
must be very great : and the smell 
which pervades the streets must be 
exceedingly delicious to those who are 
extremely fond of smoking. A super- 
ficial traveller might object to the dirt 
which is their leading characteristic ; 
but to those who view it as an indica- 
tion of traffic, and commercial pros- 
perity, it is truly gratifying." 

Punctual to five o'clock, came the 
stranger, and shortly afterwards the 
dinner. He had divested himself of 
his brown paper parcel, but had made 
no alteration in his attire ; and was, if 
possible, more loquacious than ever." 

" What 's that ? " he inquired, as the 
waiter removed one of the covers. 
'< Soles, sir." 

" Soles — ah ! — capital fish — all come 
from London — stage-coach proprietors 
get up. political dinners — carriage of 
soles — dozens of baskets — cunning 
fellows. Glass of wine, sir 1 " 

" With pleasure," said Mr. Pick- 
wick — and the stranger took wine ; first 
with him, and then with Mr. Snodgrass, 
and then with Mr. Tupman, and then 
with Mr. Winkle, and then with the 



10 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



whole party together, ahnost as rapidly 
as he telked. 

ft Devil of a mess on the staircase, 
waiter/' said the stronger. '< Forms 
going up — eaarpenters coming down — 
Iwnps, glasses, haxps. What's going 
forward ! ** 

<* Ball, sir," said the waiter. 

« Assembly-^ 1 " 

" No, sir, not Assembly, sir. Ball 
for the benefit of a chanty, sir." 

'* Many fine women in this town, do 
you know, sir 1 " inquired Mr. Tupman, 
with great interest. 

''Splendid — capital Kent, sir — 
Everybody knows Kent^-apples, cher- 
ries, hopS) and women. Glass of wine, 
sirl" 

'' With great pleasure," replied Mr. 
Tupman. The stranger filled, and 
emptied. 

^ I should very mueh like to go," 
said Mr. Tupnum, resuming the subject 
of the ball, '' very much." 

'' Tickets at the bar, sir," interposed 
the waiter, " half-a>guinea> each, sir." 

''Mr. Tupman again expressed an 
earnest wish to be present at the fes- 
tivity ; but meeting with no response 
in the darkened eye of Mr. Snodgrass, 
or the abstracted gaze of Mr. Pick- 
wick, he appMed himself with great 
interest to the port wine and dessert 
which had just been placed on the 
tahle. The waiter withdrew, and the 
party were left to enjoy the cosy couple 
of hours succeeding dinner. 

"Beg your pwraon, sir,^ said the 
stranger, " Bottle stands — pass it 
round—way of the sun — through the 
butt(»i-hole — no heeltaps," and he 
emptied his glass, which he had filled 
about two minutes beforo ; and poured 
out another, with the air of a man who 
was used to it. 

The wine was passed, and a fresh 
supply ordered. The visitor talked, 
the Pickwiekians listened. Mr. Tup- 
man felt every moment nK>re disposed 
for the ball. Mr. Pickwiok^s counte- 
nance glowed with an expression of 
univerml philanthropy ; and Mr. 
Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, fell fifueit 
asleep. 

" They 're beginning up stairs," said 



the stranger—" hear the company — 
fiddles tuning — ^now the harp — ^there 
they go." The various sounds which 
found their way down stairs, announced 
the commencement of the firat quadrille. 

" How I riiould like to go," said Mr. 
Tupman, again. 

"So should I," said the stranger, — 
"confounded luegage-^heavy smacks 
— ^nothing to go m — odd, an*t it 1" 

Now geneml benevolence was one 
of the leading features of the Pick- 
wickian theory, and no one was more 
remarkable for the zealous manner in 
which he observed so noble a principle, 
.than Mr. Tracy Tupman. The number 
of mstances, xvcorded on the Transac- 
tions of the Society, in which that 
excellent man referred objects of cha- 
rity to the houses of oHier members 
for left-off garments, or pecuniary re- 
lief, is almost incredible. 

" I should be very happy to lend you 
a chanee of apparel for the purpose," 
,said Mr. Tracy Tupman, "but you 
are rather slim, aiid I am — " 

" Rather fat — ^grown up Bacchus — 
cut the leaves — dismounted from the 
tub, and adopted kersey, eh ? — ^not 
double distilled, but double milled — 
ha ! ha ! — pass the wine." 

Whether Mr. Tupman was some- 
what indignant at the peremptory tone 
in which he was desbed to pass the 
wine which the stranger passed so 
quickly away ; or whether he felt very 
{»roperly scandalized, at an infloenti^ 
member of the Pick^ck club being 
ignominiously compared to a dis- 
momited Baodius, is a fact not yet 
completely ascertained* He passed 
the wine, coughed twice, and looked at 
the stranger for several seconds with 
a stem intensity ; as that individual, 
however, appeaiied perfectly collected, 
and quite calm under his searching 
glance, he gradually relaxed, and re- 
verted to the subject of the ball. 

"I was about to observe, sir," he 
said, "that though my apparel would 
be too large, a suit of my ftiend Mr. 
Winkle's would, perhaps, fit you 
better." 

The stranger took Mr. Winkle's 
measure with his eye ; and that fea- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



11 



tnxe glistened vnih satiafaetioii as he 
8aid->-<« Just the thing V* 

Mr. Tupman looked round him. 
The yrine which had exerted its som- 
niferous influence over Mr. Snodgrass, 
and Mr. Winkle, had stolen upon tiie 
senses of Mr. Pickwick. That gentle- 
man had gradually passed through the 
Tarions stages -which precede the 
lethargy produced hy dinner, and its 
consequ^ices. He had undeigone the 
ordinary transitions from the height 
of ccviyiyiality, to the depth of misery, 
and from the depth of misery, to the 
hei^t of conviTifllity. Like a gas 
lamp in the street, with the wind 
in Uie pipe, he had exhibited for a 
mom^it an unnatural brilliancy : then 
sunk so low as to be scarcely discern- 
ible : after a riiort interval, he had 
burst out ^ain, to enlighten for a 
moment, then flickered with an uncer- 
"^^BOD, staggering sort of light, and then 
gone out altogether. His head was 
sunk upon his bosom ; and perpetual 
snoring, with a partial choke, occasion- 
ally, were the only audible indications 
of the great man's presence. 

The temptation to be present at the 
ball, and to form his first impressions 
of the beauty of the Kentieii ladies, 
wtfs strong upon Mr. Tupman. The 
temptation to take the stranger with 
him, was equally great. He was wholly 
unacquunted witik the place, and its 
inhabitants ; and the stranger seemed 
to possess as great a knowledge of both 
as if he had lived there fnmi his in- 
fancy. Mr. Winkle was asleep, and Mr. 
Tupman had had sufficient experience 
in such matters to know, that the 
moment he awoke, he would, in the 
ordinary course of nature, roll heavily 
to bed. He was undecided. «FilI 
your ghiss, and pass the wine/' said 
the indefatigable visitor. 

Mr. Tupman did as he was requested; 
and the additional stimulus of the last 
>^S8s settled his determination. 

^ Winkle's bed-room is inside mine," 
said Mr. Tupman ; '* I couldn't make 
him understand what I wanted, if I 
woke him now, but I know he has a 
drqss suit, in a carpet-bag ; and sup- 
posing you wore it to the ball, and 



99 



iT 



took it off when we returned, I could 
replace it without troubling him at all 
about the matter." 

<< Capital," said the stranger, *' fa- 
mous plan — damned odd situation 
— fourteen coats in the packing cases^ 
and obliged to wear another man'i 
very good notion, that — very." 

*' We must purchase our tickets, 
said Mr. Tupman. 

<< Not worth while splitting a guinea, 
said the stranger, *' toss who shall pay 
for both — I caU ; you spin — first time 
— woman — woman — bewitching wo- 
man," and down came the sovereign^ 
with the Dragon (called by courtesy a 
woman) uppermost. 

Mr. Tupman rang Ihe bell, pur- 
chased the tickets,and ordered chamber 
candlesticks. In another quarter of 
an hour the stranger was completely 
arrayed in a full suit of Mr. Nathaniel 
Winkle's. 

<<It's a new cpat," said Mr. Tup- 
man, as the stranger surveyed himself 
with great complacency in a cheval 
glass. <^The fii^ that's been made 
with our club button," — and he called 
his companion's attention to the large 
gilt button which displayed a bust of 
Mr. Pickwick in the centre, and the 
letters *' P. C." on either side. 

" P. C." said the stranger, — ^*' queer 
set out — old fellow's likeness, and 
«P.C.'— What does *P.C.' stand for 
— Peculiar Coat, eh 1 " Mr. Tupman,. 
with rising indignation, and great 
importance, explained the mystic 
device. 

*' Rather short in the waist, a*nt it I'*' 
said the stranger, screwing himself 
round, to catch a glimpse in the glass 
of the waist buttons which were half 
way up his back. ''Like a general 
postman's coat — queer coats uiose — 
made by contract — no measuring — 
mystmous dispensations of Provi- 
dence — aU the short men get long 
coats — all the long men abort ones.'*^ 
Running on in this way, Mr. Tupman's 
new companion adjusted his dress, or 
rather the dress of Mr. Winkle ; and,, 
accompanied by Mr. Tupm^, ascended 
the staircase leading to the ball- room. 

<< What names, sirl" said the man 



12 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



at the door. Mr. Tracy Tupman was 
stepping forward to announce his own 
titles, when the stranger prevented 
him. 

** No names at all," — and then he 
whispered Mr. Tupman, *^ Names won't 
do — ^not known — very good names in 
their way, hut not great ones — capital 
names for a small party, but won't 
make an impression in public assem- 
blies — incog, the thing — Gentlemen 
from London^-distinguished foreigners 
. — anything.'* The door was thrown 
open ; and Mr. Tracy Tupman, and 
the stranger, entered Uie ball-room. 

It was a long room, with crimson- 
covered benches, and wax candles in 
glass chandeliers. The musicians were 
securely confined in an elevated den, 
and quadrilles were being systemati- 
cally got through by two or diree sets 
of dancers. Two card-tables were 
made up in the adjoining card-room, 
and two pair of old ladies, and a cor- 
responding number of stout gentlemen, 
were executing whist therein. 

The finale concluded, the dancers 
promenaded the room, and Mr. Tup- 
man and his companion stationed -them- 
selves in a comer, to observe the 
company. 

*^ Charming women," said Mr. Tup- 
man. 

^ Wait a minute," said the stranger, 
" fun presently — nobs not come yet — 
queer place — Dock-yard people of 
upper rank don't know Dock-yard 
people of lower rank — Dock-yard 
people of lower-rank don't know small 
gentry — small gentry don't know 
tradespeople — Commissioner don't 
know anybody." 

« Who '« that little boy with the 
light hair and pink eyes, in a fancy 
dress ? " inquired Mr. Tupman. 

** Hush, pray — pink eyes — fancy 
^ress — ^Kttle boy — nonsense — Ensign 
97th. — Honourable Wilmot Snipe — 
great family—Snipes — ^very." 

« Sir ThomasClubber,Lady Clubber, 
and the Miss Clubbers ! " shouted the 
man at the door in a stentorian voice. 
A great sensation was created through- 
out the room, by the entrance of a tall 
gentleman in a blue coat and bright 



buttons, a larffe lady in blue satin, and 
two young lames on a similar scale, in 
fashionably-made dresses of the same 

hue. 

<* Conmiissioner— head of the yard 
— ^great man — ^remarkably great man," 
whispered the stranger in Mr. Tup- 
man's ear, as the charitable committee 
ushered Sir Thomas Clubber and family 
to the top of the room. The Honour- 
able Wilmot Snipe, and other distin- 
guished gentlemen crowded to render 
homage to the Miss Clubbers ; and Sir 
Thomas Qubber stood bolt upright, 
and looked majestically over lus black 
neckerchief at the assembled company. 

" Mr. Smiihie, Mrs. Smithie, and the 
Misses Smithie," was the next an- 
nouncement. 

« What's Mr. Smithie 1" inquired 
Mr. Tracy Tupman. 

" Something in the yard," replied 
the stranger. Mr. Smithie bowed 
deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber ; 
and Sir Thomas Clubber acknowledged 
the salute with conscious condescen- 
sion. Lady Clubber took a telescopic 
view of Mrs. Smithie and family, 
through her eye-glass, and Mrs.Smithie, 
stared in her turn, at Mrs. Somebody 
else, whose husband was not in the 
dock-yard at all. 

« Colonel Bulder, Mrs. Colonel Bul- 
der, and Miss Bulder," were the next 
arrivals. 

« Head of tlie garrison," said the 
stranger, in reply to Mr. Tupman's 
inquiring look. 

Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed 
by the Miss Clubbers ; the greeting 
between Mrs. Colonel Bulder, and 
Lady Clubber, was of the most affec- 
tionate descinption ; Colonel Bulder 
and Sir Thomas Clubber exchanged 
snuff-boxes, and looked very much like 
a pair of Alexander Selkirks ; — *' Mo- 
narchs of all they surveyed." 

While the aristocracy of the place 
— the Bulders, and Clubber8,and Snipes 
— were thus preserving their dignity 
at the upper end of the room, the other 
classes of society were imitating their 
example in other parts of it. The 
less aristocratic officers of the 97th 
devoted themselves to the families of 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



13 



the less important fimctioiiaries from 
the dockyard. The solicitors* wives, 
and the wine-merchant's wife, headed 
another grade, (the hrewer*8 wife 
viated the Bolders ;) and Mrs. Tom- 
linson, the post-office keeper, seemed 
by mutual consent to have been chosen 
the leader of the trade party. 

One of the most popular personages, 
in his own circle, present, was a little 
&t man, with a ring of upright black 
hair round his head, and an extensive 
bald plain on the top of it — ^Doctor 
Slammer, surgeon to the 97th. The 
Doctor took snuflF with every body, 
chatted with every body, laughed, 
danced, made jokes, played whist, did 
everything, and was everywhere. To 
these pursuits, multifarious as they 
were, the little Doctor added a more 
important one than any — ^he was inde- 
ialdgable in paying the most unremit- 
ting and devoted attention to a little 
old widow, whose rich dress and pro- 
fusion of ornament bespoke her a most 
desirable addition to a limited income. 

Upon the doctor, and the widow, the 
eyes of both Mr. Tupman and his com- 
panion had been fixed for some time, 
when the stranger broke silence. 

" Lots of money — old girl — ^pompous 
doctor — not a bad idea — ^good fun," 
were the intelligible sentences which 
issued from his lips. Mr. Tupman 
looked inquisitively in his face. 

« I '11 dance wiui tlie widow," said 
the stranger. 

** Who is she 1 " inquired Mr. 
Tnpmsm. 

** DonH know — never saw her in all my 
life — ^cut Out the doctor — here goes." 
And the stranger forthwith crossed 
the room ; and, leaning against a man- 
tel-piece, commenced gazing with an 
air of respectful and melancholy admir- 
ation on the fat countenance of the 
little old lady. Mr. Tupman looked 
on, in mute astonishment. The stranger 
progressed rapidly ; the little doctor 
danced with another lady — the widow 
dropped her fan ; the stranger picked 
it up, and presented it, — a smile — a 
bow — a curtsey — a few words of con- 
versation . The stranger walked boldly 
np to, and returned with, the master 



of the ceremonies ; a little introductory 
pantomime ; and the stranger and Mrs. 
Budger took their places in a quadrille. 

The surprise of Mr. Tupman at this 
summary proceeding, great as it was, 
was immeasurably exceeded by the as- 
tonishment of the doctor. The stranger 
was young, and the widow was flattered. 
The doctor's attentions were unheeded 
by the widow ; and the doctor's indig- 
nation was whoUy lost on his imper- 
turbable rival. Doctor Slammer was 
paralyzed. He, Doctor Slammer of 
the 97th, to be extinguished in a mo- 
ment, by a man whom nobody had ever 
seen before, and whom nobody knew 
even now ! Doctor Slammer — Doctor 
Slanuner of the 97th rejected ! Im- 
possible ! It could not be ! Yes, it 
was ; there they were. What ! intro- 
ducing his friend ! Could he believe 
his eyes ! He looked again, and was 
under the painful necessity of admitting 
the veracity of his optics ; Mrs. Budger 
was dancing with Mr. Tracy Tupman, 
there was no mistaking the fact. There 
was the widow before him, bouncing 
bodily, here and there, with unwonted 
vigour ; and Mr. Tracy Tupman hop- 
ping about, with a face expressive of 
the most intense solemnity^, dancing 
(as a good many people do) as if a 
quadrille were not a tiling to be laughed 
at, but a severe trial to the feelmgs, 
which it requires inflexible resolution 
to encounter. 

Silently and patiently did the doctor 
bear all this, and all tiie handings of 
negus, and watching for glasses, and 
darting for biscuits, and coquetting, 
that ensued ; but, a few seconds after 
the stranger had disappeared to lead 
Mrs. Budger to her carriage, he darted 
swiftly from the room vnSi every par- 
ticle of his hitherto-bottled-up indig- 
nation effervescing, from all parts of 
his countenance, in a perspiration of 
passion. 

The stranger was returning, and 
Mr. Tupman was beside him. He 
spoke in a low tone, and laughed. The 
little doctor thirsted for his life. He 
was exulting. He had triumphed. 

" Sir ! " said the doctor, in an awful 
voice, producing a card, and retiring 



u 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



into an angle of the pMsage ''my 
name is Slammer, Doctor Slammer, 
air — d7ih regiment — Chatham Bar- 
racks~-my cud, sir, my card." He 
would have added more^but hie indig- 
nation choked him. 

<' AJh I " replied the Btranger, coolly, 
*t Slammer — much obliged — polite at- 
tention — not ill now, Slammer — ^bnt 
when I am — knock you up.** 

*^ You •— yon 're a shuffler, or/* 
gasped the furious doctor, ** a poltroon 
-~a cowaid*~a liar — a — a — ^will no- 
thing induce you to give me your 
card, sir." 

<' Oh ! I see," said the stranger, half 
aside, ^ negus too strong her&-4iberal 
landlord — ^very foolish — ^very — ^lemon- 
ade much better — ^hot rooms — elderly 
gentlemen — suffer for it in the morn- 
ing— cmel'—oruel ;" and he moved on 
a step or two. 

** You are stopping in this house, 
«ar," said the in<Ugnant little man ; 
<< you are intoxicated now, sir ; yon 
«faall hear from me in the morning, 
sir. I shall find you out» sir; I shidl 
find you out." 

'' Bather you found me out, than 
found me at home," replied the un- 
moved stranger. 

Doctor Sliunmer looked unutterable 
ferocity, as he fixed his hat on his 
head with an indignant knock : and 
the stranger and Mr. Ti]q[>man ascended 
to the bed-room of the latter to restore 
the borrowed plumage to the uncon- 
scious Winkle. 

That gentleman was fast asleep; 
the restoration was soon made. The 
stranger was extremely jocose ; and 
Mr. Tracy Tupman, beix^ quite be- 
wildered with wine, negus, lights, and 
ladies, thoueht the whole affair an 
exquisite joke. His new friend de- 
parted ; and, after experiencing some 
slight difficulty in finding the orifice 
in his night-cap, originally intended 
for the reception of his head, and 
finally overturning his candlestick in 
his struggles to put it on, Mr. Tracy 
Tupman managed to get into bed, by 
a series of complicated evolutions, and 
ahortiy afterwiu^ sank into repose. 

Seven o'clock had hardly ceased 



striking on the foUowing morning, 
when Mr. Pickwick's comprehensive 
mind was aroused from the state of 
unconscioosness, in which slumber had 
plunged it, by a lend knocking at his 
chamber 4k>or. 

''Who's tiierel" said Mr. Hck- 
wick, starting up in bed. 

"Boots,' sir." 

''What do yon want!" 

" Please sir, can you teU me, which 
gentieman of your party wears a bright 
blue dress coat, with a gilt button with 
p. c. on it 1 " 

" It 's been given out to brush," 
thought Mr. Pickwick ; and tiie man 
has forcotten whom it belongs to — 
" Mr. Winkle," he caUed out, " next 
room but two, on the right hand." 

" Thank'ee, sir," said the Boots, and 
away he went. 

" What*s the matter! " cried Mr. 
Tupman, as a loud knocking at ku door 
rowed him from his oblivious repose. 

" Can I speak to Mr. Wmkle,sir I" 
replied the Boots, from the outside. 

" Winkle— Winkle," shouted Mr. 
Tupman, calling into the inner room. 

" HaUo r* replied a £unt voice from 
within the bed-dothes. 

" You *re wanted— some one at the 
door — '* and having exerted himself 
to articulate thus much, Mr. Tracy 
Tupman turned round and f<^ hat 
asleep again. 

" Wanted 1 ^' said Mr. Winkle, has- 
tily jumping out of bed, and putting 
on a few articles of clothing : " wanted ! 
at this distance from town — ^who on 
earth ean want me I** 

" Gentieman in the eoffee-room, sir," 
replied the Boots, as Mr. Winkle 
opened tiie door, and confronted him ; 
" gentieman says he 'U not detain you 
a moment, sir, but he can take no 
denial." 

" Very odd !" said Mr. Winkle ; 
"I'llbedowndirectiy." 

He hurriedly wrapped himself in 
a travelling-shawl, and dressing-gown, 
and proceeded down stairs. Aa old 
wcMuan and a couple of waiters were 
cleaning the coffee-room, and an officer 
in undress uniform was looking out of 
the window. He tamed round as Mr. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



15 



Winkle entered, and made a stiff in- 
clination of the head. Having ordered 
the attendants to retire, and closed the 
door very carefully, he said, " Mr. 
Winkle, I presume I " 

" My name is Winkle, sir." 

" You will not he surprised, sar, 
when I inform yon, that I have called 
here this morning on hehalf of my 
friend, Xhr. SUmmer, of the Ninety- 
seventh." 

" Doctor Slasnmer ! " said Mr. 
Winkle. 

(f Doctor Slammer. He hegged me 
to express his oj^nion that your con- 
duct of last evening was of a descrip- 
tion which no gentleman could endure : 
and (he added) which no one gentleman 
would pursue. towards another." 

Mr. Winkle's astonishment was too 
real, and too evident, to escape the ob- 
servation of Doctor Slammer's friend ; 
he therefore proceeded — '^ My friend. 
Doctor Slammer, requested me to add, 
that he is £rmly peESuaded you were 
intoxicated during a portion of the 
evening, and possiUy unconscious of 
the extent of the insult you were guilty 
of. He commissioned me to say, that 
should this be pleaded as an excuse 
for your behaviour, he will consent to 
accept a written apology, to be penned 
by you, from my dictation." 

« A written . apology ! " repeated 
Mr. Winkle, in the most ^nphatic 
tone of amazement possible. 

'^ Of course you know the alterna- 
tive," replied ^e visitor, coolly. 

'^ Were you entrusted with this 
message to me, by name ? " inquired 
Mr. Winkle, whose intellects were 
hopelessly confused by this extra- 
ordinary conversation. 

*^ I was not present myself," replied 
the visitor, ** and in consequence of 
your firm refusal to give your card to 
Doctor Slammer, I was de»red by 
that gentleman to identify the wearer 
of a very uncommon coat — a bright 
blue dress coat, with a gilt button, 
displaying a bust,and the letters ' p.c' " 

Mr. Winkle actually staggered with 
astonishmeQt, as he heard his own 
costume lima minutely described. 
Doctor Slanun^s fri^d proceeded : — 



" From the inquiries I made at the 
bar, just now, I was convinced that 
the owner of the coat in question 
arrived here, with three gentlemen, 
yesterday afternoon. I immediately 
s«it up to the gentleman who was 
described as appearing the head of the 
party ; and he, at once, referred me 
to you." 

If the principal tower of Rochester 
Castle had suddenly walked from its 
fioundation, and stationed itself opposite 
the coffeC'Toom window,, Mr. Winkle's 
surprise -would have been as nothing, 
compared with the profound astonish- 
ment with which he had heard this 
address. His first impreadon was, 
that his coat had been stolen. ^ Will 
you allow me to detain you one 
moment 1 " said he. 

" Certainly/' relied the unwelcome 
visitor. 

Mr. Winkle ran hastily up-stairs, 
and with a trembling hand opoied the 
bag. There was the coat in its usual 
place, but exhibiting, on a close in- 
spection, evident tokens of having been 
worn on the preceding niriit 

<< It must be so," said Mr. Winkle, 
letting the coat fall from his hands. 
^ I took too much wine after dinner, 
and have a very vague recollection of 
walking about the streets, and smoking 
a cigar, afterwards. The fact is, I 
was very drunk ; — I must have 
changed my coat — gone somewhere— 
and insulted somebody — ^I have no 
doubt of it ; and this message is the 
terrible consequence." Saying which, 
Mr. Winkle retraced his steps in the 
direction of the coffee-room, with the 
gloomy and dreadful resolve of aceept- 
ing the challenge of the warlike Doctor 
Slammer, and abiding by the worst 
consequences that might ensue. 

To this determination Mr. Winkle 
was urged by a variety of considera- 
ti<»is ; the first of which was, his repu- 
tation with the club. He had always 
been looked up to as a high authority 
on all matters of amusement and 
dexterity, whether offensive, defensive, 
or inoffensive ; and if, on this very 
first occasion of bdng put to the test, 
he shrunk back firom we trial, beneath 



16 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



his leader's eye, his name and stand- 
ing were lost for ever. Besides, he 
remembered to have heard it fre- 
quently surmised by the uninitiated in 
such matters, that by an understood 
arrangement between the seconds, the 
pistols were seldom loaded with ball ; 
and, furthermore, he reflected that if 
he applied to Mr. Snodgrass to act as 
his second, and depicted the danger in 
glowing terms, that gentleman might 
possibly communicate the intelligence 
to Mr. Pickwick, who would certainly 
lose no time in transmitting it to the 
local authorities, and thus prevent the 
killing or maiming of his follower. 

Such were his thoughts when he 
returned to the coffee-room, and inti- 
mated his intention of accepting the 
Doctor's challenge. 

Will you refer me to a friend, to 
arrange the time and place of meet- 
ing 1 " said the officer. 

" Quite unnecessary,*' replied Mr. 
Winkle ; ** name them to me, and I 
can proctire the attendance of a friend, 
afterwards." 

^* Shall we say — sunset this even- 
ing \ '' inquired the officer, in a care- 
less tone. 

<« Very good," replied Mr. Winkle ; 
thinking in his heart it was very bad. 

« You know Fort Pitt 1 " 

** Yes ; I saw it yesterday." 

*' If you will take the trouble to turn 
into the field which borders the trench, 
take the foot-path to the left, when 
you arrive at an angle of the fortifica- 
tion ; and keep straight on 'till you 
see me i I will precede you to a 
secluded place, where the affair can be 
conducted without fear of inter- 
ruption." 

** Fear of interruption ! " thought 
Mr. Winkle. 

** Nothing more to arrange, I think," 
said the officer. 

'' I am not aware of anything 
more," replied Mr. Winkle. 

" Good morning." 

" Good morning : " and the officer 
whistled a lively air, as he strode 
away. 

That morning's breakfast passed 
heavily off. Mr. Tupman wits not in 



a condition to rise, after the unwonted 
dissipation of the previous night ; Mr. 
Snodgrass appeared to labour under a 
poetical depression of spirits ; and even 
Mr. Pickwick evinced an unusual 
attachment to silence and soda water. 
Mr. Winkle eagerly watched his 
opportunity. It was not long want- 
ing. Mr. Snodgrass proposed a visit 
to the castle, and as Mr. Winkle was 
the only other member of the party dis- 
posed to walk, they went out together. 

" Snodgrass," said Mr. Winkle, 
when they had turned out of the 
public street ; " Snodgrass, my dear 
fellow, can I rely upon your secresy ? " 
As he said this, he most devoutly and 
earnestly hoped he could not 

<< You can," replied Mr. Snodgrass. 
« Hear me swear — " 

« No, no ;" interrupted Winkle, 
terrified at the idea of his companion's 
unconsciously pledging himself not to 
give information ; *^ don't swear, don't 
swear ; if s quite unnecessary.*' 

Mr. Snodgrass dropped the hand 
which he had, in the spirit of poesy, 
raised towards the clouds, as he made 
the above appeal, and assumed an 
attitude of attention. 

'* 1 want your assistance, my dear 
fellow, in an affair of honour," said 
Mr. Wmkle. 

<< You shall have it," replied Mr. 
Snoderass, clasping his friend's hand. 

** With a Doctor — Doctor Slammer, 
of the Ninety-seventh,'^ said Mr. 
Winkle, wishing to make the matter 
appear as solemn as possible ; '^ an 
affair with an officer, seconded by 
another officer, at sunset this evening, 
in a lonely field beyond Fort Pitt." 

'< I will attend you," said Mr. Snod- 
grass. 

He was astonished, but by no means 
dismayed. It is extraordinary how 
cool any party but the princi^ can 
be in such cases. Mr. Winkle had 
forgotten this. He had judged of his 
friend's feelings by his own. 

'* The consequences may be dread- 
ful,*' said Mr. Wmkle. 

'' I hope not," said Mr. Snodgrass. 

** The Doctor, I believe, is a very 
good shot^" said Mr. Winkle. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



17 



<< Most of these military men are/' 
observed Mr. Snodgrass, calmly, '< but 
so are you, a*n*t you ? " 

Mr. Winkle replied in the affirma- 
tive ; and perceiving that he had not 
alarmed his companion sufElciently, 
changed his ground. 

" Snodgrass," he said, in a voice 
tremulous indth emotion, ^ if I fall, 
yoa will find in a packet which I shall 
place in your hands a note for my — 
lor my father." 

This attack was a failure also. Mr. 
Snodgrass was affected, but he under- 
took the delivery of the note, as 
readily as if he had been a Twopenny 
Postinan. 

« If I fall," said Mr. Wmkle, *^or 
if the Doctor falls, you, my dear 
fiiend, will be tried as an accessory 
before the fact. Shall I involve my 
finend in transportation — ^possibly for 
life ! " 

Mr. Snodgrass winced a little at 
this, but his heroism was invincible. 
*' In the cause of friendship," he fer- 
vently exclaimed, '* I would brave all 
dangers." 

How Mr. Winkle cursed his com- 
panion's devoted friendship internally, 
as they walked silently along, side by 
side, for some minutes, each immersed 
in his own meditations ! The morning 
was wearing away; he gi'ew desperate. 

^ Snodgrass," he said, stopping sud- 
denly, ^* do not let me be baulked in 
this matter — do not give information to 
the local authorities — do Tiot obtain 
the asfflsttmce of several peace officers, 
to take either me or Doctor Slammer, 
of the Ninety-seventh Regiment, at 
present quartered in Chatham Bar- 
racks, into custody, and thus prevent 
this duel ;— I say, do not J' 

Mr. Snodgrass seized his friend's 
hand warmly, as he enthusiastically 
replied, " Not for worlds !" 

A thriil passed over Mr. Winkle^s 
frame, as the conviction, that he had 
nothing ti hope from his friend's fears, 
and that he was destined to become an 
animated target, rushed forcibly upon 
him. 

The state of the case having been 
formally 'explained to Mr. Snodgrass, 

No. 2. 



and a case of satisfaction pistols, with 
the satisfactory accompaniments of 
powder, ball, and caps, having been 
hired from a manufacturer in Ro- 
chester, the two friends returned to 
their inn: Mr. Winkle, to ruminate 
on the approaching stru^le ; and 
Mr. Snodgrass, to arrange the weapons 
of war, and put them into proper 
order for immediate use. 

It was a dull and heavy evening, 
when they again sallied for& on their 
awkward errand. Mr. Winkle was 
muffled up in a huge cloak to escape 
observation ; and Mr. Snodgrass bore 
under his the instruments ^ destruc- 
tion. . 

" Have you got everything ! '* said 
Mr. Winkle, in an agitated tone. 

« Ev'rytlung," replied Mr. Snod- 
grass ; '^ plenty of ammunition, in case 
tiie shots don't take effect There 's a 
quarter of a pound of powder in 
&e case, and I have got two news- 
papers in my pocket, for the loadings." 

These were instances of friend^ip, 
for which any man might reasonably 
feel most grateful. The presumption 
is, that the gratitude of Mr. Wmkle 
was too powerful for utterance, as he 
said notlung, but continued to walk on 
— ratiier slowly. 

^We are in excellent time," said 
Mr. Snodgrass, as they climbed the 
fence of me first field ; ** the sun is 
just going down." Mr. Winkle looked 
up at the declining orb, and painfully 
thought of the probability of his '^ going 
down" himself, before lone. 

" There 's the officer/' exclaimed 
Mr. Winkle, after a few minutes' 
walkine. 

*' Where ! " said Mr. Snodgrass. 

^* There ; — the gentieman in the 
blue cloak." Mr. &iodgrass looked in 
the direction indicated by the fore- 
finger of his friend, and observed a 
figure, muffled up, as he had described. 
The officer evinced his consciousness 
of their presence by slightiy beckoning 
with his hand ; and me two friends 
followed him, at a littie distance, as he 
walked away. 

The evening grew more dull every 
moment, and a melancholy wind 



18 



posthujMous papers of 



tounded tfarougk the deserted iieldB, 
hke a distant giant^ i^iistlmg for his 
hoiuie-do|^. The sadnsss of me seene 
imparted a sombre tinae to the feel- 
ings of Mr. Winkle. He started, as 
they passed the angle of the irendi — 
it looked like a colosial gBave. 

The officer tamed suddenly from 
the path ; and after climhing a paling, 
and scaling a hedge, entered asecloded 
field. Tm> geaatlemen were waiting in 
it ; one was a Utde fftt man, with bliMk 
hair ; and the other->-A posrtly penon- 
a^e in a bnuded 8urtout»^-was sitting 
with perfect eqnaiiimity on a oanq>- 
atod. 

*^ The other party, and a surgeon,' I 
mppose," said Mv. Snodgraas ; '* take 
a drop of brandy." Mr. Winkle 
seized the wieker bottle, which his 
fxiend proffered, and took a lengthened 
pnll at the exhilarating liquid. 

^ My friend, sir, Mr. Snodgfas^" 
■aid Mr. Winkle, as the officer a^- 
proaohed. Doctor Sbmuner's friend 
bowed, and produced a case similiur to 
that which Mr. Snodgrass xnlvied. 

^ We have nothing farther to say, 
sir, I think," he coldly remarked, as 
he opened the case ; ^ an apology has 
been resolutely declined." 

'' Nothing, sir," said Mr. Snodgrasa, 
ii4io began to feel rather uncom- 
fortable himself^ 

« WiU you step forward f*" said the 
offikser. 

'< Certainly," replied Mr. Snodgraas. 
The g^round waameaenred,. and preli- 
minaries arranged* 

'< You will find theto better than 
your own," said, the opposite second, 
producing his pistols. ^ You saw me 
load thenu Do yon obieeft to use 
them ! " 

« Certainly not," re|rtied Mr. Snod- 
grass. The offer relieved him from 
considerable embarrassment ; for his 
previous notions of loading a pistol 
were rather vagne andtmd^ed. 

<< We may place our men, then, I 
think/' observed the toffioer, with as 
much indiffereiloe aa if the princi- 
pals were chess-men, and the seconds 
players. 

** I think we may," replied Mr. 



Snodgrass ; who would have assented 
to any proposition, because he knew 
nothing about the matter. The officer 
crossed to Doctor Shimmer, and Mr. 
Snodgraas went up -to Mr. Winkle. 

^ It's all ready," he said, ofiering 
the pistol '< Give me your cloak." 

" You have got the packet, my dear 
f^ow," said poor Winkle. 

" AH right," said Mil Snodgrass. 
<< Be steady, and wing him." 

It occurred to Mr. Winkle that this 
advice waa very like that which by- 
standers invariahN give to the smallest 
boy in a street fight ; namely << Go in, 
and win T — an admirable thing to re* 
commend, if you only know how to do 
it He took off his doak, howiever, in 
silence— ^it alwaya took a long time to 
undo that cloak -^and • acc^ted the 
pistol. The seconds retired, the gen* 
tlenukn on the camp-stocd did the 
same, and the belligerente approached 
each other. 

Mr. Winkle was always remarkable 
for extreme humanity. It is conjec- 
tured that his unwilhngness to hurt a 
fellow-creature intentionally, was the 
cause of his shutting his eyes when he 
arrived at the fatal spot ; and that the 
circumstance of his eyes being closed, 
prevented his observing the very ex- 
traordinary and uuaoeonntable de- 
meanour of Doctor Slammer. That 
gentleman started, stared, retreated, 
rubbed his eyes, stared again ; and, 
finally, shouted '^ Stop, stop i *' 

<< What's aU this?" said Doctor 
Shammer, as his friend and Mr. Snod- 
grass came running up— ^ That 's not 
tile man." 

<< Not the man!" said Doctor Shun- 
mer's second. 

« Not the man !*' said Mr. Snod- 



'* Not the man ! " said the gentle- 
man with the camp-stool in his mmd. 

«< Certainlv not," repfied the little 
doctor. ^ That 's not the person who 
insulted me last night" 

" Very extraordinary I " exclaimed 
the officer. 

« Very," said the gentieman wtth 
the camp-stool. ''The only question 
is, Aether the gentieman, being on 



THE PIOKWIOK CLUB. 



19 



the ground, must not be eonsidered, 
as a matter of form, to be the indivi- 
dual who insulted our finend, Doctor 
SLaramer, yesterday evening, whether 
he is reidly that individual or not:'* 
and having delivered this snggestion, 
with a very ssge and mystenous air, 
the man with the campHstool todt a 
laige pinch of snuff, and looked pgro- 
fonndly round, with the air of an 
aathority in such raatten. 

Now Mr. Winkle had opened his 
eyes^ and his ears too, when he heard 
ms adversary call out for a cessation 
of hostilities ; and perceiving by what 
he had afterwards said, that there was, 
beyond all question, some mistake in 
the matter, he at once foresaw the 
increase of reputation he should inevi- 
tably acquire, by concealing the real 
motive o^ his coming out : he there- 
fore stepped boldly forward, and said — 

** I am not the person. I know 
it.'' 

'^ Theo, that," kud the man with 
the camp-stoo^ <<is an affront to 
Doctor slammer, and a sufficient rea- 
son for proceeding immediately." 

^ Pray be quiet, Payne," said the 
Doctor's second. " Why did you not 
communicate this faet to me this 
morning, sir f ** 

^ Te be sure— to be sure,** said the 
man wkh the camp-stool, indignantly. 

" I entreat yon to be quiet, Payne," 
said the other. ''May I repeat my 
question, sir t" 

" Becaase, sir," replied Mr. Winkie, 
who had had time to deliberate upon 
his answer'— '' because, sir, you de- 
scribed an intoxieated and unguitle- 
manly person as wearing a coat, whidi 
I have the honour, not only to wear, 
but to have invented — ^the proposed 
uniform, sir, of the Pickwick Club in 
London. The honour of that unilbrm 
I feel bound to maintain, and I there- 
fore, without inquiry, accepted the 
dialienge which you offered me." 

^ My dear sir,** said the good-hu- 
moured little doctor, advancing with 
«Ktended hand, <'I honour your gal- 
lantry. Permit me to say, sir, that I 
hi^y admire your conduct, and ex- 
tremely r^pret having caused you the 



incoQvenienoe of this meeting, to no 
purpose." 

<* 1 beg yen won't mention it, sir," 
said Mr. Winkle. 

'< I shall feel proud of year aoqnaint- 
anee, sir," said the Uttle doctor. 

<* It will afford me the greatest plea- 
sture to know you, sir," replied Mr. 
Winkle. Thereupon the Doctor and 
Mr. Winkle shook hands, and then Mr. 
Winkle and lieutenant Ttopleton (the 
doctor's second), and then Mr. Winkle 
and the man witii the camp-stool, and, 
finally, Mr. Winkle and Mv. Snod- 
grasB : the last-named gentlenuin in an 
excess of admiration at the noble con- 
duct of his heroic friend. 

'' I think we may adjourn," said 
Lieutenant Tappleton. 

** Certainly," added the Doctor. 

'' Unless," interposed the man with 
the camp-stool, ''unless Mr. Winkle 
feels himself aggrieved by the chal- 
lenge ; in whidi case, I submit, he has 
a right to satisfaction." 

Mr. Winkle, with great Belf^lQahU, 
expressed himself quite aatiafted al- 
ready. 

" 0^ possibly," said the nun with 
the camp-stool, "the gentieraan's se- 
cond may feel hims^ affleented witii 
some observations which fell firem me 
at an early period of this meeting : if 
Bo^ I shall be happy to give km satia- 
faetion immediately." 

Mr. SnodgrasB hastily pi«ofeBBed 
himself very much obliged with the 
handsome offer of the Kentieman who 
had spoken last, which he was only 
indueed to dedine, by his entire con- 
tentment with the whole proceedings. 
The two seconds adiusted the cases, 
and the whole party left the ground in 
a much more lively manner than they 
had proeeeded to it. 

" Do you remain hme here f ** in- 
quired Doctor Slammer of Mr. Winkle, 
as they walked on most amioably to- 
gether. 

'* I thhdc we shall le«ve here the 
day after to-morrow," was the reply. 

" I trust I shall have the pteasove 
of seeing you and your friend at my 
rooms, and of spending a pleasant 
evening with yen, after this awkwaid 

o2 



20 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



mistake," said the little doctor ; ^ are 
you disengaged this evening 1 " 
« We have some friends here/' re- 

Elied Mr. Winkle, « and I should not 
ke to leave them to-nieht Perhaps 
you and your friend wiU join us at the 
Bull." 

<<With great pleasure," said the 
little doctor ; ** will ten o'clock be too 
late to look in for half an hour ! " 

« Oh dear, no," said Mr. Winkle. 
<< I shall be most happy to introduce 
you to my friends, "hlh. Pickwick and 
Mr. Tupman." 



** It will give me great pleasure, I am 
sure," replied Doctor SCEunroer, little 
suspecting who Mr. Tupman was. 

<< You will be sure to come f " said 
Mr. Snodgrass. 

« Oh certamly." 

By this time they had reached the 
road. Cordial farewells were ex- 
changed, and the party separated. 
Doctor Slammer and his friends re- 
paired to the barracks, and Mr. Win- 
kle, accompanied bv his friend, Mr. 
Snodgrass^ returned to their inn. 



CHAPTER III. 

▲ NEW ACqUAINTANCB. THE STBOLLEB'S TALE — A DISAGBBBABLE INTEB- 

buption; and an unpleasant BENCONTBB. 



Mb. Pickwick had felt some appre- 
hensions in consequence of the unusual 
absence of lus two friends, which their 
mysterious behaviour during the whole 
morning had by no means tended to 
diminiw. It was, therefore, with more 
than ordinary pleasure that he rose to 
greet them when they again entered ; 
and with more than ordinary interest 
that he inquired what had occurred to 
detain them from his society. In reply 
to his questions on this point, Mr. 
Snodgrass was about to offer an histo- 
rical account of the circumstances just 
now detailed, when he was suddenly 
checked, by obeervine that there were 
present, not only Mr. Tupman and 
their stage-coach companion of thOv 
preceding day, but another stranger of 
equally singular appearance. It was a 
care-worn looking man, whose sallow 
face, and deeply sunken eyes, were 
rendered still more striking than nature 
had made them, by the straight black 
hair which hung in matted disorder 
half way down his face. His eyes were 
almost unnaturally brieht and piercing ; 
his cheek-bones were high and promi- 
nent ; and his jaws were so long and 
lank, that an observer would have sup- 
posed that he was drawing the flesh of 
his face in^ for a moment, by some 



contraction of the muscles, if his half- 
opened mouth and immoveable expres- 
sion had not announced that it was his 
ordinary appearance. Round his neck 
he wore a green shawl, with the large 
ends straggling over his chest, and 
making their appearance occasionally, 
beneath the worn button-holes of his 
old waistcoat. His upper garment was 
a long black surtout ; and below it, he 
wore wide drab trousers, and large 
boots, running rapidly to seed. 

It was on wis uncouth-lookins per- 
son, that Mr. Winkle's' eye rested, and 
it was towards him that Mr. Pickwick 
extended his hand, when he said '' A 
friend of our friend's here. We dis- 
covered this morning that our friend 
was connected with me theatre in this 
place, though he is not desirous to 
have it generally known, and this gen- 
tleman is a member of tiie same pro- 
fession. He was about to favour us 
with a little anecdote connected with 
it, when you entered." 

^ Lots of anecdote," said the green- 
coated stranger of the day before, 
advancing to Air. Winkle and speaking 
in a low confidential tone. ^ Rum 
fellow — does the heavy business — no 
actor — strange man — all sorts of mise- 
ries — Dismal Jemmy, we call him on 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



21 



the drcuit." Mr. Winkle and Mr. 
Snodgrass politely welcomed the gen- 
tleman, elegantly designated as <' Dis- 
mal Jemmy ; " and caJling for brandy 
and water, in imitation of the remainder 
of the company, seated themselves at 
the table. 

"Now, ar," said Mr. Pickwick, 
*' will you oblige us with proceeding 
with what you were going to relate 3 " 

The dismal individual took a dirty 
roll of paper from his pocket, and 
turning to Mr. Snodgrass, who had just 
taken out his note-book, said in a hoUow 
voice, perfectly in keeping with his 
outward man — '^ Are you the poet ? " 

« I— I do a little in that way," re- 
plied Mr. Snodgrass, rather taken 
aback by the abruptness of the question. 

" Ah ! poetry makes life, what lights 
and music do the stage. Strip the one 
of its false embellishments, and the 
other of its illusions, and what is there 
real in either, to Hve or care for 1 " 

« Very true, sir,'* replied Mr. Snod- 



" To be before the footlights," con- 
tinued the dismal man, ** is like sitting 
at a grand, court show, and admiring 
the silken dresses of the gaudy throng 
— to be behind them, is to be the people 
who make that finery, uncared for and 
unknown, and left to sink or swim, to 
starve or live, as fortune wills it." 

«« Certainly," said Mr. Snodgi'ass : 
for the sunken eye of tiie dismal man 
rested on him, and he felt it necessary 
to say something. 

'' Go on. Jemmy,** sud the Spanish 
traveller, ''like black-eyed Susan — all 
in the Downs — ^no croaking — speak out 
— ^look lively." 

<< Will you make another glass before 
you begin, sir ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

The dismal man took the hint, and 
having mixed a glass of brandy and 
vnier, and slowly swallowed half of it, 
opened the roll of paper and proceeded, 
partly to read and partly to relate, the 
following incident, which we find re- 
corded on the Transactions of the club, 
as « Tlie Stroller's Tale." 



THE STROLLER'S TALE. 

^ There is nothing of the marvellous 
in what I am going to relate," said the 
dismal man ; ''there is nothing even, 
uncommon in it. Want and sickness 
are too common in many stations of 
life, to deserve more notice than is 
usually bestowed on the most ordinary 
vicis^tudes of human nature. I have 
thrown these few notes together, be- 
cause the subject of them was well 
known to me for many years. I traced 
his progress downwards, step by step, 
until at last he reached that excess of 
destitution from which he never rose 
again. 

" The man of whom I speak was a 
low pantomime actor ; and, like many 
people of his class, an habitual drunkard. 
In his better days, before he had be- 
come enfeebled by dissipation and 
emaciated by disease, he hsA been in 
the receipt of a good salary, which, if 
he had been careful and prudent, he 
might have continued to receive for 
some years — not many ; because these 
men either die early, or, by unnaturally 
taxing their bodily energies, lose, pre- 
maturely, those physi^ powers on 
which alone they can depend for sub- 
sistence. His besetting sin gained so 
fast upon him, however, that it was 
found impossible to employ him in the 
situations in which he really was useful 
to the theatre. The public-house had 
a fikscination for him which he could 
not resist. Neglected disease and hope- 
less poverty were as certain to be his 
portion as death itself, if he persevered 
in tiie same course ; yet he did perse- 
vere, and the result may be guessed. 
He could obtain no engagement, and 
he wanted bread. 

" Everybody who is at all acquainted 
with theatrical matters, knows what a 
host of shabby, poverty-stricken men, 
hang about the stage of a large esta- 
blishment — not regularly engaged 
actors, but ballet people, procession 
men, tumblers, and so forth, who are 
taken on during the run of a panto- 
mime, or an Easter piece, and are 
I then discharged, until the production 



22 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



of Boxne heavy Bpectade occasioiifl a 
new demand for their services. To 
this mode of life the man was com- 
pelled to resort ; and taking the chair 
every night, at some low theatrical 
hoafle,at onoe pat him in possession of 
a few more shillings weekly, and en- 
abled him to gratuy his old propen- 
sity. Even tins resooroe shortly failed 
him ; his irregnlarities were too geeikt 
to admit of his earning the wretched 
pittance he might thus have procured, 
and he was actaally redueed to a state 
b(»tlering on starvation, only pro- 
curing a trifle occasionally by borrow- 
ing it of some old companion, or by 
obtaining an appearance at one or 
oUier of the commonest of the minor 
theatres ; and when he did earn any- 
thing, it was spent in the old way. 

'* About this time, and when be had 
been existing for upwards of a year no 
one knew how, I had a short engage- 
ment at one of the theatres on the 
Surrey side of the water, and here I 
■aw this man, whom I had lost sight of 
for some time ; for I had been travel- 
Ihig in the provinces, and he had been 
skulking in the lanes and alleys of 
London. I was dressed to leave the 
house, and was crossing the stage on 
my way oat, when he tapped me cm 
the shoulder. Never shall I forget 
the repulsive sight that met my eye 
when I turned round. He was dressed 
for the pantomime, in all the absur- 
dity oftadown^s costume. The spectral 
figures iniheDanoeof Death, the most 
frightful shapes ^that the ablest painter 
«ver portrayed on caavas, never pre- 
sented an .appeamioe half so ghastly. 
His Uoatod body and shrunken legs — 
their deformity enhanced a hundrsd 
fold by the fimtastio dress — the glassy 
eyes, contrasting fearfully with the 
thick white paint with whkh the face 
was besmesced : the grotesquely orna- 
mented heady trembling with paralysis, 
and the long skinny hands^ rubbed 
with white chalk«^all gave him a 
hideous and unnatural appearance, of 
which no description couki convey an 
adequate idea, and which, to this day, 
I shndder to think of. His voice was 
hollow and tremulous, as he took me 



aside, and in broken words recounted 
a long catalogue of sickness and priva- 
tions, terminating, as usual, with an 
urgent request for the loan of a trifling 
sum of money. I put a few shillings 
in his hand, and, as I turned away, I 
heard the roar of laughter which fol- 
lowed his first tumble on to the stage. 

'' A few nights afterwards, a boy put 
a cUrty scrap of paper in my hand, on 
which were scrawled a few words in 
pencil, intimating that the man was 
dangerously ill, and begging me, after 
the performance, to see him at his 
lodgings in some street — I forget the 
name of it now — at no great distance 
from the theatre. I promised to 
comply, as soon as I could get away ; 
sttd, after the curtain fell, sulied forth 
on my melanchcdy errand. 

^ It was late, for I had been playing 
in the last piece ; and, as it was a 
benefit nigh^ the performances had 
been protracted to an unusual lenzth. 
It was a dark cold night, with a diill 
damp wind, which blew the rain heavily 
against the windows and house-fronts. 
Pools of water had collected in the 
narrow and little-frequented streets^ 
and as many of the thinly-scattered 
oil-lamps had been blown out by the 
violence of the wind, the walk was not 
only a comfortless, Imt most uncertain 
one. I had fortunately taken the right 
course, however, and succeeded, aner 
a little difficulty, in finding the houao 
to which I had been directed — a coal 
shed, with one story above it, iu the 
back room of yAdok lay Hie object of 
my s earc h . 

^'A wrettthed-loOKing woman, the 
man's wife, met me on the stairs, and, 
telling me that he had just ddlen into 
a kiiHl' of dose, led -me softly in, and 
placed a chair for me at the bedside. 
The sick man was lying 'with his face 
turned towards the waU ; and as he 
tofsk no heed of >my presence, I bad 
leisure to observe the place in which I 
found myself. 

<* He was lying on an old bedstead, 
which turned up dnrinffthe day. The 
tattered remains of a checked curtain 
were drawn round the bed's head, to 
exclude the wind, which however 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



23 



made its way into the eomfbrtless 
room through the numerous chinks in 
the door, and hiew it to and fro every 
instant There vras a low cinder liie 
in a rusty unfixed grate ; and an old 
three-eomered stained table, with 
some medicine-bottles, a broken .glass, 
and a few other domestic articles, was 
drawn out before it. A littile child 
was sleeping on a temporary bed 
which had been made for it on the 
floor, and the woman sat on a chair by 
its side. Th^re were a eouple of 
shelves, with a few plates and cups 
and saucers : and a pair of stage shoes 
and a couple of foils hung beneath 
them. Wilii the exception of little 
heaps of rags and bundles which had 
been corelesdy thrown into the comers 
of the room, these vrere the only 
things in the apartment. 

^ I had had tmie, to note these little 
j^arfaci^larB, and to mark the heavy 
breathing and feverish startings of the 
ack man, before he was aware of my 
pr^imce. In Ins restless attempts to 
procure some easy resting-place for 
his head, he tossed his hand out of the 
bed, and it fell on mine. He started 
up, and stared eagerly in my face. 

«* « Mr. Hutley, John,' said his 
wife ; < Mr. Hutley, that you sent for 
to-night, you know.' 

*'* Ah I' said the invti£d, passing 
his hand across hisforehead ; * Hutley 
— Hutley — ^let me see.' He seemed 
andeavouriiig to collect his thoughts 
for a few seconds, and Ifaen grasping 
me tightly by the wrist, said * Don't 
leave me-'-don't leave me, old fallow. 
She'll murder me ; I know she will' 

'' < Has he been long so ! ' said I, 
addressing his weeping wife. 

" Since yesterday night,' cftie replied. 
' John, John, don't you know- me ) * 

« * Don't let her come near me,' 
said the man, with a shudder, as riie 
stooped over him. ' Drive'her»way ; 
I cant bear her near me.' He stared 
wil(Uy at her, with- a look of deadly 
apprehension, and then whispeared in 
ray ear; ^ I beat her, Jem ;• I -beat h^ 
yesterday, and many 'times before. I 
have starved her, and the boy* too ; 
and now I am wealrand helpless, Jem, 



she^ murder me for it ; I know she 
will. If you'd seen her cry, as I have, 
you'd know it too. Keep her off.* He 
relaxed his grasp, and sank back ex- 
hausted on me pillow. 

'' I knew but too well what all this 
meant. If I coidd have entertained 
any doubt of it, for an instaot, one 
glance at the woman's pale £B«e and 
wasted form would have sufficiently 
explained the real state of the case. 
' You had better stand aside,' said I to 
the poor creature. ^ You can do him 
no good. Perhaps he will be cahner, 
if he does not see you.' She retired 
out of the man's sig^t. He opened his 
eyes, after a faw secoAds, and looked 
anxiously round. 

" * Isfidiegone !' he eagerly inquired. 

" * Yes— yes,' said I ; * she shall 
not hurt you.' 

"-* I'n tell you what, Jem,' said the 
man, in a low voice, ' she does hurt 
me. Hiere's something in her eyes 
wakes mtch a dreadful fear in my 
heart, tiiat it drives me mad. AU 
last night, h^r large staring eyes and 
pale face were dose to mine ; where- 
ever I turned, they turned ; and 
whenever I started up from my sleep, 
she was at the bedside looking .at me.' 
He drew me closer to him, as he said 
in a deep, alarmed iidiisper — ^ Jem, 
she must be an evil spirit — a devil ! 
Hush ! I know she is. If she had 
been a w(Moan, she would have died 
long ago. No woman could have 
borne what she has.' 

'' I sickened at thel^ougbt of the 
long course of ciuelty and neglect 
which must have occurred to produce 
such an impression on such a man. I 
could say nothing in reply ; for who 
could ofifer hope, or consolation^ tathe 
abject being before me ^ 

<' I sat tiiere for upwards of two 
hours, )dmnng which tifne he tossed 
aboul^ murmuring exclamations of 
pamor impatience, restlessly throw- 
ing his arras here and there, add turn- 
iBgconstaOtly from side to side. At 
length he feH*into that state of partial 
uncpnseiousness, in which the mind 
wanders uneM^ily from scene to scene^ 
and^&om place to place, withont the- 



24 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



conti'ol of reason, bat BtUl without be- 
ing able to divest itself of an inde- 
scribable sense of present suffering. 
Finding from his incoherent wander- 
ings that this was the case, and know- 
ing that in all probability the fever 
would not grow immediately worse, I 
left him, promising his miserable wife 
that I would repeat my visit next 
evening, and, if necessary, sit up with 
the patient during the night. 

'*1 kept my promise. The last four- 
and-twenty hours bad produced a 
frightful alteration. The eyes, though 
deeply sunk and heavy, shone with a 
lustre, finghtful to b^old. The lips 
were par(£ed, and cracked in many 
places : the dry hard skin glowed 
with a burning heat, and there was an 
almost unearwly air of wild anxiety 
in the man's face, indicating even 
more strongly the ravages of the dis- 
ease. The fever was at its height. 

*' I took the seat I had occupied the 
night before, and there I sat for hours, 
listening to sounds which must strike 
deep to the heart of the most callous 
among human beings — ^the awful rav- 
ings of a dying man. From what I 
had heard of l£e medical attendant's 
opinion, I knew there was no hope for 
him : I was sitting by his death-bed. 
I saw the wasted limbs, which a few 
hours before had been distorted for 
the amusement of a boisterous gallery, 
writhing under the tortures of a burn- 
ing fttver — I heard the clown's shrill 
laugh, blending with the low murmur- 
ings of the dying man. 

^' It is a touching thing to hear the 
mind reverting to the ordinary occu- 
pations and pursuits of health, when 
the body lies before you wes^ and 
helpless ; but when those occupations, 
are of a character the most strongly 
opposed to anything we associate with 
grave or solemn ideas, the impression 
produced is infinitely more powerful. 
The theatre, and the public-house, 
were the chief themes of the wretched 
man's wanderings. It was evening, 
he fancied ; he had a part to play that 
night ; it was late, and he must leave 
home instantly. Why did they hold 
him, and prevent his going — ^he should 



lose the money ~- he must go. No ! 
they would not let him. He hid his 
face in his burning hands, and feebly 
bemoaned his own weakness, and the 
cruelty of his persecutors. A short 
pause, and he shouted out a few dog- 
gerel rhymes — ^the last he had ever 
learnt. He rose in bed, drew up his 
withered limbs, and rolled about in 
uncouth positions ; he was acting — ^he 
was at tl^ theatre. A minute's silence, 
and he murmured the burden of some 
roaring song. He had reached the old 
house at last ; how hot the room was. 
He had been ill, very ill, but he was 
well now, and happy. Fill up his glass. 
Who was that, that dashed it from his 
lips 1 It was the same persecutor that 
had followed him before. He fell back 
upon his pillow, and moaned aloud. 
A short period of oblivion, and he was 
wandering through a tedious maze of 
low arched rooms— so low, sometimes, 
that he must creep upon his hands and 
knees to tnake his way along ; it was 
close and dark, and every w^ay he 
turned, some obstacle impeded his 
progress. There were insects too, 
hideous crawling things, with eyes 
that stared upon him, and filled the 
very air around : glistenine horribly 
amidst the thick darkness of the place. 
The walls and ceiling were alive with 
reptiles — the vault expanded to an 
enormous size — ^frightful figures flitted 
to and fro— and the fSebces of men he 
knew, rendered hideous by gibing and 
mouthing, peered out from among 
them ; they were searing him witiii 
heated irons, and binding his head 
with cords till the blood started ; and 
he struggled madly for life. 

'< At the close of one of these pa- 
roxysms, when I had with great dif- 
ficulty held him down in his bed, he 
sank into what appeared to be a slum- 
ber. Overpowered with watching and 
exertion, I had closed my eyes for a 
few minutes, when I felt a violent 
clutch on my shoulder. I awoke in- 
stantly. He had raised himself up, so 
as to seat himself in bed — a dreadful 
change bad come over his face, but 
consciousness had returned, for he 
evidently knew me. The child who 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



25 



had been long since disturbed by his 
ravings, rose from its little bed, and 
ran towards its father, screaming with 
fright — ^the mother hastily caught it 
in her arms, lest he should injure it in 
the violence of his insanity ; but, ter- 
rified by the alteration of his features, 
stood transfixed by the bed-side. He 
grasped my shoulder convulsively, and, 
stnJong his breast with the other hand, 
made a desperate attempt to articu- 
late. It was unavailing — ^he extended 
his arm towards them, and made an- 
other violent effort. There was a 
ratding noise in the throat — a glare of 
the eye — a short stifled groan — and he 
fell back— dead ! " 



It would afford us the highest gra- 
tification to be enabled to record Mr. 
Pickwick's opinion of the foregoing 
anecdote. We have Uttle doubt that 
we should have been enabled to pre- 
sent it to our readers, but for a most 
unfortunate occurrence. 

Mr. Pickwick had replaced on the 
table, the glass which, during the last 
few sentences of the tale, he had re- 
tained in his hand ; and had just made 
up his mind to speak — ^indeed, we 
have the authority of Mr. Snodgrass's 
note-book for stating, that he had 
actually opened his mouth — when the 
waiter entered the room, and said — 

« Some gentlemen, sir." 

It has been conjectured that Mr. 
Pickwick was on the point of deliver- 
ing some remarks which would have 
emightened the world, if not the 
Thimies, when he was thus inter- 
rupted : for he gazed sternly on the 
waiter's countenance, and then looked 
round on the company generally, as if 
seeking for information relative to the 
new comers. 

•'Oh!" said Mr. Winkle, rising, 
*^ some friends of mine — show them in. 
Very pleasant fellows," added Mr. 
Winkle, after the waiter had retired — 
*< Officers of the 97th, whose acquaint- 
ance I made rather oddly this morn- 
ing. You will like them veiy much." 

Mr. Pickwick's equanimity was at 
once restored. The waiter returned, 



and ushered three gentlemen into the 
room. 

<< Lieutenant Tappleton," said I^lr. 
Winkle, << Lieutenant Tappleton, Mr. 
Pickwick — Doctor Payne, Mr. Pick- 
wick — Mr. Snodgrass, you have seen 
before : my friend Mr. Tupman, Doc- 
tor Payne — Doctor Slammer, Mr. 
Pickwick — Mr. Tupman, Doctor 
Slam—", 

Here Mr. Winkle suddenly paused ; 
for strong emotion was visible on the 
countenance both of Mr. Tupman and 
the Doctor. 

^ I have met tkis gentleman before," 
said the Doctor, with marked em- 
phasis. 

" Indeed ! " said Mr. Winkle. 

** And — and that person, too, if I 
am not mistaken," said the Doctor, 
bestowing a scrutinizing glance on the 
green-coated stranger. ''I think I 
gave that person a very pressing in- 
vitation last night, which he thought 
proper to decline." Saying which, 
the Doctor scowled magnanimously on 
the stranger, and whispered his friend 
Lieutenant Tappleton. 

*^ You don't say so," said that gen- 
tleman, at the conclusion of the 
whisper. 

**I do, indeed," replied Doctor 
Slammer. 

<< You are bound to kick him on the 
spot," murmured the owner of tlie 
camp-stool with great importance. 

**Do be quiet, Payne," interposed the 
Lieutenant. *^ WiU you allow me to 
ask you, sir," he said, addressing Mr. 
Pickwick, who was considerably mys- 
tified by this very unpolite by-play — 
** Will you allow me to ask you, sir, 
whether that person belongs to your 
party 1" 

" No, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, 
^ he is a guest of ours." 

<^ He is a member of your club, or 
I am mistaken % " said tlie Lieutenant, 
inquiringly. 

<< Certainly not," respcmded Mr. 
Pickwick. 

"And never wears your dub-but- 
ton 1" said the Lieutenant. 

« No— never!" replied the asto- 
nished Mr. Pickwick. 



26 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



Lieatenant Tappleton turned roand 
to his friend Doctor Slammer, with 
a Bcareely perceptible shnig of the 
shoulder, as if implying eome doubt of 
the accuracy of his lecolleetion. The 
little Doctor looked wrathful, but con- 
founded ; and Mr. Payne gazed with 
a ferocious aspect on the beaming 
countenance of the unconscious Pick- 
wiclc 

^6ir/* said the Doctor, suddenly 
addressing Mr. Tupmaxi, in a tone 
whidi made that gentleman start as 
perceptibly as if a pin had been cun- 
ningly inserted in the calf of his leg — 
'' you were at the ball hwelast night !'* 

Mr. Tupman gasped a faint affirma- 
tive ; looking very hard at Mr. Pick- 
wick, all the while. 

^ That person was your companion^" 
said the Doctor poianting to the still 
unmoved stranger. 

Mr. Tupman admitted the fact. 

^< Now, sir,** said' the Doetor to the 
stranger, I smk you once again, in the 
presenee of these gentiemen, whether 
you choose to give me your caard, and 
to receive the treatment of a gentle- 
oian ; or whether y&a impose upon 
me the necessity 'Of penKmally chas- 
tising you on the spot 1 " 

« Stay, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, « I 
really cannot allow this matter to go 
any ^rther without «ome explanation. 
Tupman, reoount the eiroumstances.** 

Mr. Tupman, thus solonnly abjured, 
statiad the caee in Srfew words ; touched 
sfightiy on the bonfowing of tiie oeat ; 
expatuited lai^ly on its having^been 
done '^ after dinner ; " woun4 up with 
a Htde penitence on his ownaoeonnt ; 
and left the stranger ^ to< cleaoi himself 
as he best could. 

He was apparently about to proceed 
to do so, when Lieutenant Tappleton, 
who had been eyeing him wiUi great 
curiosity, said with considerable ecom 
— ^^ Haven't I seen you at the theatre, 
sirl" 

^Certainly," replied the unabashed 
stranger. 

''He is a strolling aetor," said the 
Lieutenant, contemptuously ; turning 
to . Dr. Slammer — '< He aets in the 
piece that the Officers of the 52nd get, 



up at the Rochester theatre to-mor- 
row night. You cannot proceed in 
this affair, Slammer — ^impossible ! *' 

" Quite ! " said the dignified Payne. 

**• Sorry to have placed you in this 
disagreeable situation,*' said Lieuten- 
ant Tapplet<Hi, addreiasing Mr. Pick- 
wick, ^ allow me to suggest, that the 
best way of avoiding a recurrence of 
such scenes in future, will be to be 
more select in the choice of your com- 
panions. Grood evening, sir ! " and the 
Lieutenant bounced out of the room. 

** And allow me to say, sir,*' said the 
irascible Doctor Pavne, '* that if 1 had 
been Tappleton, or if I had been Slam- 
mer, I would have pulled your nose, 
sir, and the nose of every man in this 
company. I would, sir, — every man. 
Payne is my name, sir — ^Doctor Payne 
of the 4drd. Good evening, sir." 
Hanne concluded this speech, uid 
tttteved the three last words in a loud 
key, he stalked majestically after his 
fnend, dosely followed by Doctor 
Slammer, who said nothing, but con- 
tented himself by withering the com- 
pany with' a looL 

lUsing rage and extreme bewilder- 
ment had swelled the noble breast of 
Mr. Piekwick, almost to the bursting 
of Ins waistooat, during the d^very of 
the above defiance. He stood trans- 
fixed to tiie spot, gaeing on vacancy. 
The dosing of tiie door reeiUled him 
to himself. He rushed forwaard with 
fury in his loolu, and fire in his eye. 
His hand was upon the lock of the 
door ; in another instant it wotild have 
been on the Itooat of Doetor Payne 
of the-4drd, had not Mr. Snodgrass 
seized his revered leader by the coat 
tail, and dragged him backwards. 

-** Restrain him/' cried Mr. Snod- 
grass, ''Winkle, Tupman — he must 
not peril his distinguished -fife -in sneh 
a cause as this." 

« Let me go,** said Mr. Pibkwidc. 

<<Hold him tight," shouted Mr. 
Snodgrass ; and by the united effortB 
of 'the whole compMiy, "Mr. Pidiwick 
was forced into an arm chair. 

^' Leave -him alone," eaid the grean- 
ooated stmnger — *« brandy and water 
. — ^jolly old gentleman — lots of pluek — 



THE PICKWICK CLtJa 



27 



swdQow diis^ah! — cafiiial stvffi" 
Having proTioixsly tested the virtnes 
of a Iwmper, wiueh had been mixed 
by the dismal man, ihe stranger ap- 
plied the glass to Mr. Piokwickfs 
month ; and the remamder of its con- 
tents zapidlj disappeand. 

There was a short pajose; the 
farandy and water had done its work'; 
the amiable eountonaace of Mr. Piek> 
wick was fiist reeoT«ring its custom- 
ary expreasion. 

" They are not w<»*th your noiieey" 
said the diaraal man. 

'* Yqu are rights sir/* relied .Mr. 
Pickwick, -'^they are not. I am 
ashamed to hare been betrayed. into 



this warmth cf feefing. Draw yomr 
dudr np to the table, sir.'* 

The dismal man readOy complied : 
a circle was again formed round the 
table, and harmony once mora pre- 
vailed. Some lingering irritability 
appealed to find a resting>pUMe in 
Mr. Winkle's bosom, occasioned pos- 
sibly by the temporary abstraction of 
his coat — thoQgh it is scaively reason- 
able to suppose, that so slight a circum- 
stanoe can have excited even a passing 
feeling of anger in a Pickwickian 
breast. With tins exception, their good 
faniBour was completely restored ; and 
the evening ^nduded with the eon- 
viviality with whidi it had begun. 



CHAPTER IV. 



A FIELD-BAT AND BTVOUAC^-UOBB NSW FBI BirBS ; AMD \V 111 VITATION 

TO TBB COUNTRY. 



Mant authcHTB entertain, noi^M^y a 

fodish, but a reaUy dishonest objeo* 

tion, to acknowledge the sourets from 

whence they derive nauAi vahiable in- 

fbnnatien. We have nosuoh feeling. 

We are merely endeavouring to di»* 

charge in an upright .manner, the 

responsiUe duties of oiir editorial 

foBoticHis; and whatever ambition we 

mig^t .have felt under other circum* 

stancgfi, to 1^ claim to theauthorship 

of tbese adventazesy. a regard for imth 

fociHda Jis to do mope, than daim the 

merit of their jndiriousanaDgamenti 

and impartial narration. The Pifik- 

wick pi^pers ta%ma Now Biver fisad ; 

and we may be comparod to thoaNew 

Biver Company. The labours of 

othcnrsy have raised for as an imraease 

reservoir of imptMrtant facts. We 

merely lay them on, and commnnieate 

them^ in a dear and sentle- stream, 

through the medium of 'Ufcase«numben, 

to a world diirrtmg for Piekwiddan 

knowledge. 

Acting in this spirity and resolutdy 
proceeding on our 4eterraination to 
avow our obligations to the authorities 
we have commlted, we frankly say, 



that to the note^book of Mr.^nodgasa 
are weindebtedfor the particubffsre^ 
corded in this, and the saeeeedi^g 
chi^ter — ^partieulara, which* jiow that 
we have diaburdeBad our cooecieace^ 
we shall prooeed to detail without 
further comment. 

The. whole population -of Rochester 
and the. adjouung towns,' rose from 
their .beds at -tm early thanr of 4he 
following niQRiii|g,..in-.a state flf the 
utmost bustle .and exciteneiKi A 
gxand, review was to take pli£ce upcm 
the Xioes. The imaaonivrea of haU! a 
doBSQ- rdgimsnts were to be^inspeet•d 
by the eagle eye of the comnander- 
in-chief; tsmpoiary fortiiisatioiis had 
been ereoted, the dtadeLwaa to be at- 
tacked and taken, and a mine wasto 
be ronug. 

Mr. Pukwick was, as our raadesa 
may have gathered from, the alight 
extsact we gave from his descriptioii 
of Chatham, an enthuaiastie admirer 
of the army. Nothing could have been 
more delightful to Imn— iiothing couhi 
have banxionized so well whh the 
peculiar feeling of each of his cmn* 
panions — as tUs sight. Accordingly 



28 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



they were soon a-foot, and walking in 
the direction of the aoene of action, 
towards which crowds of people were 
already pouring, from a yariety of 
quarters. 

The appearance of everything on 
the Lines, denoted that the approach- 
ing ceremony was one of the utmost 
grandeur ana importance. There were 
sentries posted to keep the ground for 
the troops, and servants on the bat- 
teries keeping places for the ladies, 
and sergeants running to and fro, with 
vellum-covered books under their 
arms, and Colonel Bulder, in full mili- 
tary uniform, on horseback, galloping 
first to one place and then to anotiier, 
and backing his horse among the peo- 
ple, and prancing, and curvetting, and 
fthouting in a most alarming manner, 
and making himself very hoarse in 
the voice, and very red in the face, 
without any assignable cause or rea- 
son whatever, (^cers were running 
backwards and forwards, first com- 
municating with Colonel Bulder, and 
then ordering the sergeants, and then 
running away altogether : and even 
the very privates themselves looked 
from behind their glazed stocks with 
an air of mysterious solenmity, which 
sufficiently bespoke the special nature 
of the occasion. 

Mr. Pickwick and his tiiree com- 
panions stationed themselves in the 
front rank of the crowd, and patiently 
awaited the conunencement of the 
proceedings. The throng was in- 
creasing every moment ; and the 
efforts they were compelled to make, 
to retain the poation they had gained, 
. sufficiently occupied their attention 
during the two hours that ensued. 
At one time there was a sudden pres- 
sure from behind ; and then Mr. 
Pickwick was ierked forward for 
seveitd yards, with a degree of speed 
and elasticity highly inconsistent with 
the general gravity of his demeanour; 
at another moment there was a re- 
quest to << keep back '' from the front, 
and then the butt end of a musket 
was either dropped upon Mr. Pick- 
wick's toe, to remind him of the de- 
mand, or thrust into his chest to en- 



sure its being complied with. Then 
some facetious gentlemen on the left, 
after pressing sideways in a body, and 
squeezing Mr. Snodgrass into the very 
last extreme of human torture, would 
request to know <^vere he vos a shov- 
in* to," and when Mr. Winkle had 
done expressing his excessive indigna^ 
tion at witnessing this unprovoked 
assault, some person behind would 
knock his hat over his eyes, and beg 
the favour of his putting his head in 
his pocket. These, and other practi- 
cal witticisms, coupled with the unac- 
countable absence of Mr. Tupman 
(who had suddenly disappeared, and 
was nowhere to be found), rendered 
their situation upon the whole rather 
more uncomfortable, than pleasing or 
desirable. 

At length that low roar of many 
voices ran through the crowd, which 
usuallv announces the arrival of what- 
ever they have been waiting for. All 
eyes were turned in the direction of the 
sally-port A few moments of eager 
expectation, and colours were seen 
fluttering gaily in the air, arms glis- 
tened brightly in the sun : column 
after colunm poured on to the plain. 
The troops halted and formed ; the 
word of command rune through the 
line, there was a general clash of mus- 
kets, as arms were presented; and 
the commander-in-chief, attended by 
Colonel Bulder and numerous officers, 
cantered to the front. The military 
bands struck up altogether : the horses 
stood upon two legs each, cantered 
backwards, and whisked their tails 
about in all directions: the dogs 
barked, the mob screamed, the troops 
recovered, and nothing was to be seen 
on either side, as far as the eye could 
reach, but a long perspective of red 
coats and white trousers, fixed and 
motionless. 

Mr. Pickwick had been so fully oc- 
cupied in falling about, and <Usen- 
tangling himself, miraculously, from 
between the legs of horses, that he 
had not enjoyed sufficient leisure to 
observe the scene before him, until it 
assumed the appearance we have just 
described. When he was at last en- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



29 



abled to stand firmly on hislegSyhis eia- 
tification and delight were unbounded. 

'' Can anything be finer, or more de- 
lightful ! " he inquired of Mr. Winkle. 

^ Nothing/' replied that gentleman, 
who had had a short man standing on 
each of his feet, for the quarter of an 
hour immediately preceding. 

''It is indeed a noble and a bril- 
liant sight," said Mr. Snodgrass, in 
whose bosom a blaze of poetry was 
rapidly bursting forth, ''to see the 
gallant defenders of their country, 
drawn up in brilliant array before its 
peaceful citizens : their faces beaming 
— ^not with warUke ferocity, but with 
civilized gentleness : their eyes flashing 
— ^not with the rude fire of rapine or 
revenge, but with the soft light of hu- 
manity and intelligence." 

Mr. Pickwick fully entered into the 
spirit of this eulogium, but he could 
not exactly re-«cho its terms ; for the 
soft light of intelligence burnt rather 
feebly in the eyes of the warriors, in- 
asmuch as the conunand "eyes front" 
had been given ; and all the spectator 
saw before him was several thousfmd 
pair of optics, staring stnught for- 
ward, wholly ^vested of any expres- 
sion whatever. 

^ We are in a capital situation, 
now," said Mr. Pickwick, looking 
round him. The crowd had gradually 
dispersed from their imme&ite vici- 
nity, and they were nearly alone. 

"Capital !" echoed both Mr. Snod- 
grass and Mr. Winkle. 

"What are they doing now I" in- 
quired Mr. Pickwick, adjusting his 
spectacles. 

"I— I— rather thmk," said Mr. 
Winkle, changing colour-:- " I rather 
think they're going to fire." 

" Nonsense," said Mr. Pickwick, 
hastily. 

** I — I — really think they are," 
urged Mr. Snodgrass, somewhat 
alarmed. 

"Impossible," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. He had hardly uttered the 
word, when the whole half-dozen re- 
giments levelled their muskets as if 
they had but one conomon object, and 
that object the Pickwickians ; and 



burst forth with the most awful and 
tremendous discharge, that ever shook 
the earth to its centre, or an elderly 
gentieman ofif his. 

It was in this trying situation, ex- 
posed to a galling fire of blank car- 
tridges, and harassed by the opera- 
tions of the military, a £resh body of 
whom had begun to fall in, on the op- 
posite fflde, that Mr. Pickwick duh 
played that perfect coolness and self- 
possewion, which are the indispens- 
able accompaniments of a great mind. 
He seized Mr. Winkle by the arm, 
and placing himself between that gen- 
tieman and Mr. Snodgrass, eam^tiy 
besought them to remember that be- 
yond the possibility of being rendered 
dei^ by the noise, there was no imme- 
diate oanger to be apprehended from 
the firing. 

" But — ^but — suppose some of the 
men should happen to have ball car- 
tridges by mistake," remonstrated Mr. 
Winkle, paUid at the supposition he 
was himself conjuring up. " I heard 
something whistie through the air just 
now — so sharp : close to my ear." 

" We had better throw ourselves on 
our faces, hadn't we ) " said Mr. 
Snodgrass. 

" No, no — ^it 's over now," said Mr. 
Pickwick. His lip might quiver, and 
his cheek might blanch, but no expres- 
sion of fear or concern escaped the 
lips of that immortal man. 

Mr. Pickwick was right : the firing 
ceased ; but he had scarcely time to 
con^tulate himself on the accuracy 
of Ins opinion, when a quick move- 
ment was visible in the line : the hoarse 
ehout of the word of command ran 
along it, and before either of tiie party 
could form a guess at the meaning of 
this new manoeuvre, the whole of the 
half-dozen regiments, with fixed bayo- 
nets, charged at double quick time 
down upon the very spot on which 
Mr. Pickwick and his friends were 
stationed. 

Man is but mortal ; and there is a 
point beyond which human courage 
cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed 
through his spectacles for an instant 
on the advancing mass ; and then 



30 



POSTHUMOUS PAPEia OF 



fairly turned his back and — ^we will 
not flay flea ; firstly, because it is an 
ignoble term, and, secondly, because 
Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no means 
adapted for that nH>de of retreat^he 
trotted away, at as quick a rate as his 
legs we«dd convey him ; so quickly, 
indeed, that he did not perceive the 
vwkwavdnen of his situation, to the 
ftill extent^ until too late. 

The opposite troops, whose falling- 
in had perplexed Mr. Pickwick a few 
seconds befove, were drawn up to repel 
the mimic attadc of the sham besiegecB 
of the citadel ; and the consequence 
was, that Mr. Pickwick and his two 
companions found themselvessuddenly 
inelosed between two lines of great 
length ; the one advancing at a rapid 
|iaoe, and the other firmly waiting the 
collision in hostile array. 

^ Hoi I '^ shouted the ofl&cets of the 
advancing iine'-~ 

« Get out of the way," cried the 
officers of the stationary one. 

^ Where are we to go to I" screamed 
the agitated Pickwicldans. 

** Hoi — ^hoi — hoi," was the only re- 
ply. There was a moment of intense 
bewilderment, a heavy tramp of foot^ 
steps, a violent concussion ; ajmotiiered 
laugh — ^the faalf-<dozen regiments were 
half a tiiottsand yards off ; and tiie 
soles of Mr. Pickwick's boots were 
elevated in air» 

Mr. Snodgrastf and Mr. Winkle had 
each performed a compulsory sum- 
merset with remarkable agility, when 
the first object that met the- eyes of 
the latter as he sat on the ground, 
staunching with a yellow silk handker- 
chief the stream of life which issued 
from his nose, was his venerated leader 
at some distance off, running after hts 
own hi^t, which was gambcmng play- 
tuUyaway in. perspective. 

There are very few moments in a 
man's existenee, when he experiences 
so muah ludicrous distsese, or meets 
with 80 littie charitable commiseration, 
as'wheB he is in pursuit of his own 
hat A vMt deal of coolnessy and a 
peculiar degree of judgment, are re- 
qnifliteincatehingahat A man must 
not be precii^tate, or be runs over it : 



he must not rush into the opposite 
extreme, or he loses it altogether. The 
best way is, to keep gentiy up with 
the object of pursuit, to be wary and 
cautious, to watch your opportunity 
well, get gradually before it, then make 
a rapid dive, seize it by the crown, and 
stick it firmly on your head : snuling 
pleasanUyall the time,aaif you thought 
it as good a joke as anybody else. 

There was a fine gentie wind, and 
Mr. Pickwick's hat rolled sportively 
before it. The wind puffed, and Mr. 
Fiekwick puffed, and the hat rolled 
over and over aa merrily as a liv^y 
porpoise in a stroDg tide ; and on it 
mignt have rolled, far beyond Mr. 
Pickwick's reach, had not its course 
been providentially stopped, juat as 
that gentleman was on the point of 
resiffning it to its fate. 

Mr. Pickwick, we say, was com- 
pletely exhausted, and ai>out to give 
up tiie chase, when the hat wis blown 
with some violence against the wheel 
of a carriage, which was drawn up in 
a line with half-a>dozen other vehicles, 
on the spot to which his steps had 
been directed. Mr. Pickwick, perceiv- 
ing his advantage, darted biiskly for- 
ward, secured lus property, planted it 
on his head, and paused to take breath. 
He had not been stationary half a 
minute, when he heard his own name 
eageriy pronounced by a voice, which 
he at once recognised as Mr. Tupman*s, 
and, looking upwards, he beheld a sight 
which filled him with surprise and 
pleasura 

In an open barondie, the horses of 
which had been taken out, the better 
to accommodate it to the crowded 
place, stood a stout old gentieman, in 
a blue coat and bright buttons, cor- 
deroy breeches and top boots, two 
young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a 
young gentleman apparentiy ena- 
moured of one of the young ladies in 
scarfs and feathers, a lady of doubtful • 
age, probably the aunt of the aforesaid, 
and Mr. Tupman, as easy and uncon- 
cerned as if he had belonged to the 
family firom the first moments of his 
infancy. Fastened up behind tiie ba- 
rouche was a hamper of spacious 



THE PICKWICK CLUB; 



31 



dimennoiia-M>ne of those hampers 
which always awakens in a contem- 
plative mindy associations connected 
with cold fowls, tongue, and hotUes of 
vrme — ^aad on the box sat a fat uad 
red-f aoed boy, in a state of s<minolency, 
whom >no specnlatiTe observer could 
have regarded for an instant without 
setting down as the official dispenser 
of the contents of the before^mentioned 
hamper, when the proper time for 
their consumption should arrive. 

Mr. Pickwick had bestowed a hasty 
glance on these interesting objeets, 
when he was again greet^ by his 
faithftd discmle. 

" Pickwick — ^Pickwick," said Mr. 
Tupman ; ^ come up here; Make 
haste." 

<< Come aloog^ sir. Pray, eome up," 
said the stout gentleman. ^ Joe ! — 
damn that boy, he's gone to sleep 
again.'>-~Joe, let down the steps." The 
fat boy rolled slowly off the box, let 
down the steps, and held the carriage 
door invitingly open. Mr. Snodgrass 
and Mr. Winkle came up at the 
moment. 

** Room for you all, gent.emen," 
sud the stout man. ^ Two inside, and 
one out. Joe, make room for one of 
these, gentlemen on the box. Now, sir, 
come along ; " and the stout gentie- 
man extended his arm, and pulled first 
Mr.Fiekwick,aiid then Mr. Snodgrass, 
into the barouche by main force. Mr. 
Winkle mounted to the box, the fat 
boy waddled to tiie same pereh^ and 
fell fast asleep instantiy. 

** Well^ gentiamen," said l&e stout 
man, " very glad to see you. Know you 
very well,gentiemen, though you maynH 
nmember me. I spent some eVnins 
at yoor club last winter-— picked up 
my friend Mr. Tupman here this morn- 
ing, and very glad I was to see him. 
Well, sir, and how are you 1 Yon do 
lodk uncommon well, to be sure." 

Si0.Piekwiok acknowledged theeom- 
p&nent,and cordially shook hands with 
tiifit'stonigentieHian in the top boots. 

"Well,, and hew are you, sir?" 
said the stout gentleman, addressing 
Mr. Snodgrass with patenial anxiety. 
"Xawcming, eh ! Well, that's right— 



that^s r^fat. And how are you, sir (to 
Mr. Winkle) ? Well, I am glad to 
hear you say you are well ; very glad 
I am, to be sure. My daughters, 
gentlMuen — my gals these are ; and 
that 's my sister. Miss Baehael War- 
die. She's a Miss, she is; and yet 
she an't a Miss — eh, sir— ^ ! " And 
the stout gentieman playfolly inserted 
his elbow between the ribs of Mr. 
Piokwick, and laughed very heartily. 

" Lor, brother t " said Miss Waidle, 
with a deprecating smile. 

'* True, true," said the stout gentie- 
man ; " no one can deny it. dentle- 
men, I beg your pardon ; this is my 
friend Mr. T^rundle. And now yonaU 
know each otiser, let's be comfortable 
and happy, and see what's going fort 
ward ; that's what I say. So tiie stout 
gentieman put on his spectacles, and 
Mr, Pickwick pulled out his glass, and 
eveiybody stood up in the carriage, and 
looked over somebody else's shoulder 
at the-evolutiunB of the military. 

Afltonnding evolutions they were, 
one rank fincg over the heads of 
another nuik^and-then running away ; 
and then the other rank firing over tiie 
heads of another rank, and running 
away in their torn ; and then forming 
squares, with offioers in the centre ; 
and then descending the trench on one 
side with scaling ladders, and ascend- 
ing it on the other again by the same 
means ; and knocking down barricades 
of baskets, and behaving in tiie most 
gallant manner possible. Then there 
was such a ramming down of the con- 
tents of enormous guns on the battery, 
with instruments like magnified mope ; 
such a- preparation before they were 
let off, and such an awful noise i;^en 
tiiey did go, that the air resounded 
with the screams of ladies. The young 
Miss Wardles were so frightened, tiiat 
Mr. Trundle was actually obliged to 
hold one of them up in. tiie carriage, 
whUe Mr. Snodgrass supported the 
other, and Mr; Wardle's sister suffered 
under such a dreadful state of nervous 
alarm, that Mr. Tupman found it in* 
dii^nsably necessary to put his arm 
round her waist, to keep her up at all. 
Everybody was excited, except the fat 



32 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



boy, and he slept as soundly as if the 
roaring of caimon were his ordinary 
lullaby. 

^ Joe, Joe ! *' sud the stout gentle- 
man, when the citadel was taken, and 
the besiegers and besieged sat down 
to dinner. ^ Damn t&t boy, he 's 
gone to sleep again. Be good enough 
to pinch him, si]^— in the leg, if you 
please ; nothing else wakes him — 
thank you. Undo the hamper, Joe." 

The fat boy, who had been effec- 
tually roused by the compression of a 
portion of his lee between the finger 
and thumb of l£r. Winkle, rolled off 
the box once again, and proceeded to 
mipack the hamper, with more expedi- 
tion than could have been expected 
from his previous inactivity. 

^ Now, we must sit dose/* said the 
stout gentleman. After a great many 
jokes about squeezing the ladies* sleeves, 
and a vast quantity of blushing at 
sundnr jocose propomls, that the ladies 
should sit in the gentlemen's laps, the 
whole party were stowed down in the 
barouche ; and the stout gentleman 
proceeded to hand the things from the 
fat boy (who had mounted up behind 
for the purpose) into the carriage. 

^ Now, Joe, knives and forks." The 
knives and forks were handed in, and 
the ladies and gentlemen inside, and 
Mr. Winkle on the box, were each 
furnished with those useful imple- 
ments. 

<< Plates, Joe, plates." A similar 
process employed in the distribution 
of the croctery. 

^ Now, Joe, tiie fowls. Danm that 
boy ; he's gone to sleep again. Joe ! 
Joe 1 " (Sundry taps on the head with 
a stick, and the fat boy, with some 
difficulty, roused from his lethargy). 
<* Come, hand in the eatables." 

There was something in the sound 
of the last word, which roused the 
unctuous boy. He jumped up : and 
the leaden eyes, which twinkled behind 
his mountainous cheeks, leered horribly 
up n the food as he unpacked it from 
the basket. 

** Now, make haste," sai^Mr. War- 
die ; for the fat boy was hanging 
fondly over a capon, which he seemed 



whoUy unable to part with. The boy 
sighed deeply, and, bestowing an ardent 
gaze upon its plumpness, unwillingly 
consigQcd it to his master. 

<' ^at's right — ^look sharp. Now 
the tongue — now the pigeon-pie. Take 
care of that veal and huun — ^mind the 
lobsters — ^take the salad out of the 
cloth — ^give me the dresmng." Such 
were the hurried orders which issued 
from the lips of Mr. Wardle, as he 
handed in the different articles de- 
scribed, and placed dishes in every- 
body's hands, and on everybody's 
knees, in endless number. 

'^ Now, aint this capital t" inquired 
that jolly personage, when the work 
of destruction had commenced. 

<" Capital I " said Mr. Winkle, who 
was carving a fowl on the box. 

« Glass of wine ! " 

^* With the greatest pleasure." 

^ You*d better have a bottle to 
yourself, up there, hadn't you ! ** 

** You're very good," 

«Joel" 

*^ Yes, sir." (He wasn't asleep this 
time, having just succeeded in abstract- 
ing a veal patty). 

*^ Bottle of wine to the gentiemaa 
on the box. Glad to see you, sir." 

« Thankee." Mr. Winkle emptied 
his glass, and placed the bottie on the 
coach-box, by nis side. 

« Will you permit me to have the 
pleasure, sir!" said Mr. Trundle to 
Mr. Winkle. 

^ With great pleasure," replied Mr. 
Winkle to Mr. Trundle ; and then tiie 
two gentiemen took wine, after which 
they took a glass of wine round, ladies 
and all. 

^ How dear Emily is flirting with 
the strange gentieman," whispered 
the spinster aunt, with true spinster- 
aunt-like envy, to her brother Mr. 
Wardle. 

« Oh ! I don't know," said the joUy 
old gentleman ; *^ all very natural, I 
dare say — nothing unusual. Mr. 
Pickwick, some wme, sir ?" Mr. 
Pickwick, who had been deeply inves- 
tigating the interior of the pigeon-pie, 
r^hdily assented. 

^ Emily, my dear," said the spin- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



33 



ster aunt, with a patronising air, 
« don't talk so loud, love." 
•*< Lor, aunt!" 

^ Aunt and the little old gentleman 
want to have it all to themselves, I 
think," whispered Miss Isabella War- 
die to her sister Emily. The young 
ladies laughed veiy heartily, and the 
old one tried to look amiable, but 
couldn't manage it. 

** Young girls have tuck spirits," 
Bud Miss Wardle to Mr. Tupman, 
with an air of gentle commiseration, 
as if animal spirits were contraband, 
and their possession without a permit, 
a high crime and misdemeanour. 

« Oh, they have," replied Mr. Tup- 
man, not exactly making the sort of 
reply that was expected from him. 
« It's quite delightful." 

« Hem !" said Miss Wardle, rather 
dubiously. 

« Will you permit me," said Mr. 
Tupman, in his blandest manner, 
touching the enchanting Kachael's wrist 
with one hand, and gently elevating 
tlie bottle with the other. •* Will you 
permit me \ " 

"Oh, sir!" Mr. Tupman looked 
most impressive ; and Rachael ex- 
pressed her fear that more guns were 
going off, in which case, of course, 
riie would have required support again. 

" Do you think my dear nieces 
pretty 1 " whispered their affectionate 
aunt to Mr. Tupman. 

'<I should, if their aunt wasn't 
here^" replied the ready Pickwickian, 
with a passionate glance. 

** Oh, you naughty man — ^but really, 
if their complexions were a littU bet* 
ter, don't you think they would be 
nice-looking girls — ^by candle-light 1 " 

" Yes ; I think they would ;" said Mr. 
Tupman, with an air of indifference. 

"Oh, you quiz — ^I know what you 
were going to say." 

" What ] " inquired Mr. Tupman, 
who had not precisely made up his 
mind to say anything at all. 

" You were going to say, that Isar 
bella stoops — I know you were — ^you 
men are such observers. Well, so 
she does ; it can't be denied ; and, 
certainly, if there is one thing more 

No. 3. 



than another that makes a girl look 
ugly, it is stooping. I often tell her, 
that when she gets a little older, she'll be 
quite frightful. Well, you are a quiz ! " 

Mr. Tupman had no objection to 
earning the reputation at so cheap a 
rate : so he looked very knowing, and 
smiled mysteriously. 

" What a sarcastic smile,'* said the 
admiring Rachael ; " I declare I 'm quite 
afraid of you." 

"Afraid of me I" 

" Oh, you can't disguise anything 
from me — I know what that smile 
means, very well." 

" What ! " said Mr. Tupman, who 
had not the slightest'notion himself. 

" You mean," said the amiable aunt, 
sinking her voice still lower — ^ You 
mean, that you don't think Isabella's 
stooping is as bad as Emily's boldness. 
Well, she is bold ! You cannot think 
how wretched it makes me sometimes 
— I'm sure I cry about it for hours 
together — ^my dear brother is so good, 
uid 90 unsuspicious, that he never sees 
it ; if he did, I'm quite certain it 
would break his heart. I wish I could 
think it was only manner — I hope it 
may be — " (here tiie affectionate rela- 
tive heaved a deep sigh, and shook 
her head despondingly). 

" I'm sure aunt's talking about us,*' 
whispered Miss Emily Wardle to her 
sister-^" I'm quite certain of it — she 
looks so malicious." 

« Is she ? " repUed Isabella—" Hem ! 
aunt, dear ! " 

" Yes, my dear love ! " 

"I'm 80 afraid you'll catch cold, 
aunt — have a silk handkerchief to tie 
round your dear old head — >you really 
should take care of yourself — consider 
your age ! " 

However well deserved this piece of 
retaliation might have been, it was as 
vindictive a one as could well have 
been resorted to. There is no guess- 
ing in what form of reply the aunt's 
indignation would have vented itself, 
had not Mr. Wardle unconsciously 
changed the subject, by calling em- 
phatically for Joe. 

" Damn that boy," said the old gen- 
tlemoU) " he 's gone to sleep again." 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



''Veiy extraordiiiaipr boy, that," 
Baid Mr. Pickwick, ** ooes he always 
deep in this wa^ 2 " 

<< Sleep!" said the old gentleman, 
^ he 's always asleep. Goes on errands 
fiut asleep^ and snares as he waits at 
table." 

^How very odd !" said Mr. Pickwick. 

^Ahl odd indeed," returned the 
old gentleman ; ^ I'm proud of that 
boy — wouldn't part with him on any 
account — he's a natural curiosity! 
Here, Joe — Joe — ^take these things 
away, and open another bottle — d'ye 
hear?" 

The &t boy rose, opened his eyes, 
swallowed the huge jHeoe of pie he 
had been in the act of masticating 
when he last fell asleep, and slowly 
obeyed his master's orders — ^gloating 
languidly over the remains of the 
feast, as he removed the plates, and 
deposited them in the hamper. The 
josh bottle was produced, and speed- 
ily emptied : the hamper was made 
fast in its old place — ^the fat boy once 
more mounted the box — ^the spectacles 
and pocket-gjlass were again adjusted — 
and the evolutions of the military 
recommenced. There was a great 
fizzing and banging of guns, and start- 
{ng of ladies — and then a mine was 
sprung, to the gratification of every 
body — and when the nune had gone 



ofl^ the militsfy and the company Ibl* 
lowed its example, and went off too. 

** Now, mind," said the old gentle- 
man, as he diook hands with Mr. 
Pickwick at the conclusion of a oonveiv 
sation which had been esnied on at 
intervals^ during the ooodnsieB of the 
prooeedings~^ we shall see yon all to* 
morrow." 

<* Most certainly," replied Mr. Piofc>. 
wiok. 

" You have got the address t " 

<<Manor Fann» Dingley Ddl," said 
Mr. Pickwick, eensnlting his pocket* 
book. 

<< That 'sit," said the old gMstlemvu 
''I dont let yon off, mind, under a 
week ; and undertake that you shallr 
see everything worth seeing. If you've 
come down for a oountry life^ come i» 
me, and PU give you plenty of it. Joe 
— danm that boy, he 's gone to sleep 
again — Joe, help Tom put in the 
horBe&" 

The hones were pot in — the driver 
mounted — the fat boy clambered up by 
his side — ^fiareweBs were exchanged-- 
and the carriage rattled off. Ab the- 
Pickwickians tamed round to ti^e a 
last glimpse of it, the setting sun oast 
a rich glow on the JEsces of t^ir entos 
tainers, and fell upon the form of the 
fat boy. His head was sunk upon hi» 
bosom ; and he slumbered again. 



CHAPTER V. 

A SBOKl Ora-HnOWINO, AMOKO OTHOft MATTBU, HOW VB. PICKWIOK XJmaa^ 
TOOK TO DBITB, AHD MB. WIKKLB TO BIDE ; AND BOW CTBT BOTH DID IT, 



Bbioht and pleasant was the sky, 
balmy the air, and beautiful the appear- 
ance of every object around, as Mr. 
Pickwick leMit over the balustrades 
of Rochester Bridge, contemplating 
nature,and waiting for breakfast The 
scene was indeed one, which might 
wdil have charmed a far less reflective 
mind, than that to which it was pre- 
sented. 

On the left of the spectator lay the 
ruined wall, broken in many places^ 



and in some, overtuunging the narrow 
beach below in rude and heavy mamosi 
Huge knots of sea-weed hung upon the 
jagged and pointed stones, Iz^nibhng in 
every bveatit ef wind ; and the green 
ivy dung moumfiilly round the dark, 
and ruined battlements. Behind it 
rose the andent castle,its towers roof- 
less, and its massiTe waUs crumbling 
away, but telling us proudly of its old 
might and str^gth, as when, seven 
hnndred yeasa ago, it rang with the 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



35 



okudi of uiBS) or resoimded wUii Ae 
xunaeoffeBatingaadzerdry. Oneidier 
side, the banks of the Medm^, oovwed 
with eoanKfietdsjnd pastues, wUh here 
and there a iriiidmiQy or a disiMit 
chorch, stretched away as &r as the 
eye eooid see, preaentiiig a rich aad 
Tuied Jandwpe^ Tepdeted mage bean- 
tifid by the f hanging shadimB wfaidi 
pasBBd siriffcly aeroaaii^aa the thin aad 
hal^fanned eloiida Bkhnmed away in 
the l^t of the moniiig bob. The 
riyer, vefleethig the dear Une of the 
slcf, gfistened aad sparkled as it flowed 
nfBadesely on ; and-tiheoarsaf tiieflsher- 
men dipped into the water vitii a dear 
and liqaid soimd, as the heavy bat 
pictiiresqae boats glided dowly down 
the stream. 

Mr. Pickwick was roused from die 
agreeable reverie into whidi he had 
been led by the objects hflfioie him, by 
a deep a^^h, and a toadi on Ins 
shoulder. He tamed loond : and the 
dismal man was at his side. 

^ Contemplating the scene 1 " in- 
quired the dismal man. 

" I was/* said Mr. Pickwiek. 

'^And congzatiilating yomself on 
being up so aoont" Mr. Piekwiek 
nodded assent. 

^ Ah ! people need to rise early, to 
see the son in all his qilendonr, for Ins 
brigfatnesB seldom lasts tiie day tfavong^. 
The morning of day and the morning 
of life are halt too modi alike." 

" You speak tmly, air," add Mr. 
Rekwick. 

''How oommon the saying/' eon- 
tinnedrlhe dismal man, *< <The mom- 
ing^s too fine to bust.' How wdl 
n^fat it be applied to our every-day 
existence. God! whatwotddlfoiTOitto 
hare the days of my diildhood restored, 
or to be able to forget them fat erer !" 

* Yon haye seen nradi troable^sir," 
said Mr. Pickwiek, compasaionatdy. 

*< I have," said die dismal man, hnr- 
riedly ; << I have. More than those 
who see me now would believe possi- 
ble." He paused for an instant and 
then said, d)raptly, 

^Dld it ever strike you, on sodi a 
morning as this, that drowning would 
be happiness and peaoe t ^ 



«<God blev me, nol" icplied Mr. 
Pickwick, edgfa» a fitOe from the 
bafautrade, as tte poaaibiUty of the 
dismal man's tippoig him awer, by way 
of experiment, occurred to him xathev 
fcneibly. 

«/ have ftooi^ so, often," aaid Ae 



^ The eahB,eool water seeoM to me to 
murmmr an invitatien to repeee and 
rest Aboimd,aaplaah,afarief strug- 
g^ ; there is an eddy lior an instant, it 
gradually subddes into a gentle ripple ; 
the waten ha¥e dosed above yonr head, 
and the world has dosed i^on yoor 
miseries and misfortnnes for ever." 
l%e sunkoi eye of the dismal man 
flashed brightly as he spoke, but the 
momentary excitement ^ckly aub- 
sided ; and he toned calmly away, as 
he said — 

^ There — enough of that. I wish to 
see yon on another subject. Yon 
invited me to read that paper, the 
night before last, aad listened atten- 
tivdy idiile I did so." 

<<I did," replied Mr. Piekwiek; 
*' and I certainly thought ** 

" I asked finr no opinion," said the 
dismal man, intern^ting hhn, ** aad I 
want none. You are travelling for 
amusement aad instmetion. Suppose 
I forwarded yon a curious maanscr^t 
— observe, not carious because wild or 
improbably, but curious as a leaf from 
the romanee of zeal life. Would ycfsi 
commnnSeate it to the ckd>, of which 
yon have fiqpoken so fr«qnenUy f " 

<< Certainly," replied Mr. Pidcwiek^ 
" if you wiahed it ; and it would bo 
entered on tiieir tnmeaetions." 

^Yoa shaU have it," roplied the 
dismal man. ^ Your address ; " and, 
Mr. Piekwiek having communicated 
their probable route, the dismal man 
carefolly noted it down in a gieasy 
pocket-book, and, resisting Mr. Pick- 
wick's pressing invitation to breakfost, 
left that gentleman at his inn, and 
walked dowly away. 

Mr. PickwidL found that his three 
companions had risen, and were vrait- 
ing his arrival to oonunenoe breakfost, 
which was ready laid in teoqiting dis- 
play. They sat down to the xneal ; and- 

d2 



36 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



broQed bam, eggs, tea, coffee, and sun- 
dries, began to (^sappear with a rapidity 
which at once bore testimony to the 
excellence of the fare, and the appetites 
of its consmners. 

*<Now, about Manor Farm," said 
Mr. Pickwick. " How shall we go ! " 

^ We had better consult the waiter, 
perhaps," said Mr. Tupman, and the 
waiter was summoned accordingly. 

« Dingley Dell, gentlemen.~fifteen 
miles, gentlemen — cross road — post- 
chaise, sir f " 

^ Post-chaise won't hold more than 
two," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" True, sir — ^beg your pardon, sir. — 
Very nice four-wheel chaise, sir — seat 
for two behind — one in front for the 
gentleman that drives — oh ! beg your 
pardon, sir — that '11 only hold three." 

« What 's to be done 1 " said Mr. 
Snodgrass. 

<< Perhaps one of the gentlemen like 
to ride, sir," suggested the waiter, 
looking towards Mr. Winkle ; '< very 
good saddle horses, sir — any of Mr. 
Wardle's men coming to Rochester, 
bring 'em back, sir." 

"The very thing," said Mr. Pick- 
wick. ** Winkle, wiU you go on horse- 
back!" 

Now Mr. Winkle did entertain con- 
siderable misgivings in the very lowest 
recesses of his own heart, relative to 
his equestrian skill ; but, as he would 
not have them even suspected on any 
account, he at once replied with great 
hardihood, " Certainly. I should enjoy 
it, of all things." 

Mr. Winlde had rushed upon his 
fate ; there was no resource. <^ Let 
them be at the door by eleven," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

" Vepy well, sir," replied the waiter. 

The waiter retired ; the breakftist 
concluded ; and the travellers ascended 
to their respective bed-rooms, to pre- 
pare a change of clothing, to take with 
them on their approaching expedition. 

Mr. Pickwick bad made his prelimi- 
narv arrangements, and was looking 
over the coffee-room blinds at the pas- 
sengers in the street, when the waiter 
entered, and announced that the chaise 
waa ready — an announcement which 



the vehicle itself confirmed, by forth- 
with appearing before the coffoe-room 
blinds aforesaid. 

It was a curious little green box on 
four wheels, with a low place like a 
wine bin for two behind, and an ele- 
vated perch for one in front, drawn by 
an immense brown horse, displaying 
great symmetry of bone. An hostler 
stood near, holding by the bridle 
another immense horse — apparently a 
near relative of the animal in the chaise 
— ^ready saddled for Mr. Winkle. 

^ Bless my soul I " said Mr. Pick- 
wick, as they stood upon the pavement 
while the coats were being put in. 
^ Bless my soul 1 who's to drive t I 
never thought of that." 

^'Ohl you, of course," said Mr. 
Tupman. 

'< Of course," said Mr. Snodgrass. 

** 1 1 " exclaimed Mr; Pickwick. 

'< Not the slightest fear, sir," inter- 
posed the hostler. < Warrant him 
quiet, sir ; a hinfant in arms might 
drive him." 

^ He don't shy, does he 1 " inquired 
'M'p^ Pickwick 

« Shy, sir I— He wouldn't shy if he 
was to meet a vaggin-load of monkeys, 
with their tails burnt off." 

The last recommendation was indis- 
putkble. Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snod- 
grass got into the bin ; Mr. Pickwick 
ascended to his perch, and deposited 
his feet on a floor-clothed shelf, erected 
beneath it, for that purpose. 

" Now, shiny Villiam," said the 
hostler to the deputy hostler, ^give 
the gen'lm'n the ribbins." "Shiny 
Villiam" — so called, probably, from his 
sleek hair and oily countenance — ^placed 
the reins in Mr. Pickwick's left hand ; 
and the upper hostler thrust a whip 
into his right 

« Wo— o !" cried Mr. Pickwick, as 
tlie tall quadruped evinced a decided 
inclination to back into the coffee- 
room window. 

« Wo — !" echoed Mr. Tupman and 
Mr. Snodgrass, from the bin. 

"Only his playfulness, gen'lm'n," 
said the head hostler, encouragingly, 
<• jist kitch hold on him, ViUiani." The 
deputy restrained the animal's impe- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



37 



taosity, and the principal ran to assist 
Mr. Winkle in mounting. 

*' T'other ade, sir, if you please." 

^Blowed if llie gen'lm'n wom't a 
gettin' up on the wrong side/' whis- 
pered a grinning post-boy, to the inex- 
pressibly gratified waiter. 

Mr. Winkle, thus instructed, climbed 
into his saddle, with about as much 
difficulty as he would hare experienced 
in getting up the side of a first-rate 
man-of-war. 

"AH right?" inquired Mr. Pick- 
wick, with an inward presentiment that 
it was all wrong. 

«AU right," repHed Mr. Winkle 
faintly. 

**Let 'em go," cried the hostler, — 
" Hold him in, sir ; " and away went 
the chaise, and the saddle horse, with 
Mr. Pickwick on the box of the one, 
and Mr. Winkle on the back of the 
other, to the delight and gratification of 
the whole inn yard. 

^ What makes him go sideways ! " 
said Mr. Snodgrass in the bin, to Mr. 
Winkle in the saddle. 

" I can't imagine," replied Mr. Win- 
kle. His horse was drifting up the 
street in the most mysterious manner 
— side first, with his head towards one 
side of the way, and his tail towards the 
other. 

Mr. Pickwick had no leisure to 
observe either this, or any other parti- 
cular, the whole of his faculties being 
concentrated in the management of the 
animal attached to the chaise, who dis- 
played various peculiarities, highly 
mteresting to a by-stander, but by no 
means equally amusing to any one 
seated beUnd him. Besides constantly 
jerking his head up, in a very unplea- 
sant and uncomfortable manner, and 
tagging at the reins to an extent which 
rendered it a matter of great difficulty 
for Mr. Pickwick to hold them, he had 
a singular propensity for darting sud- 
denly every now and then to the side 
of the road, then stopping short, and 
then rushing forward for some minutes, 
at a speed which it was wholly impos- 
sible to control. 

'^ What can he mean by this \" said 
Mr. Snodgrass, when the horse had 



executed this manoeuvre for the twen- 
tieth time. 

« I don't know," replied Mr. Tup- 
man ; ** it looks very like shying, don't 
it I" Mr. Snodgrass was about to 
reply, when he was interrupted by a 
shout from Mr. Pickwick. 

" Woo," said that gentleman, « I 
have dropped my whip." 

« Winkle," cried Mr. Snodgrass, as 
the equestrian came trotting up on 
the tall horse, with his hat over his 
ears : and shaking all over, as if he 
would shake to pieces, with the vio- 
lence of the exercise. " Pick up the 
whip, there's a good fellow." Mr. 
Winkle pulled at the bridle of the tall 
horse tUl he was black in the face ; 
and having at length succeeded in 
stopping hun, dismounted, handed the 
whip to Mr. Pickwick, and grasping 
the reins, prepared to remount. 

Now whether the tall horse, in the 
natural playfulness of his disposition, 
was desirous of having a little inno- 
cent recreation with Mr. Winkle, or 
whether it occurred to him that he 
could perform the journey as much to 
his own satisfaction without a rider as 
with one, are points upon which, of 
course, we can arrive at no definite 
and distinct conclusion. By whatever 
motives the animal was actuated, cer- 
tain it is that Mr. Winkle had no 
sooner touched the reins, than he 
slipped them over his head, and darted 
backwards to their full length. 

« Poor fellow," said Mr. Winkle, 
soothingly, — ** poor fellow — ^good old 
horse." The " poor fellow" was proof 
against flattery : the more Mr. Winkle 
tried to get nearer him, the more he 
sidled away ; and, notwithstanding all 
kinds of coaxing and wheedling, were 
were Mr. Winkle and the horse going 
round and round each other for ten 
minutes, at the end of which time 
each was at precisely the same dis- 
tance from the other as when they first 
commenced — an unsatisfactory sort of 
thing under any circumstances, but 
particularly so in a lonely road, where 
no assistance can be procured. 

« What am I to do 1 " shouted Mr. 
Winkle, after the dodging had been 



S8 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



prolonged for a eoaudenk^ time. 
<< What am I to do 1 I can't get on 
him?" 

«< Yoa had better lead him <fll we 
come to a tnmpSce," reptied Mr. Pick- 
wick from the eha^. 

** But he wont oome/' voared Mr. 
Winkle. ** Do eome, and hold him." 

Mr. Pickwick was tile rery per- 
■ooation of kindneas and fannnnity : 
he threw the reina on the hofse'a 
back, and havins descended from his 
eei^t, earefnliy drew the chaiae into 
tiie hedge, leat anything ahenld come 
along tile road, amd stepped baok to 
the asaiatanee of hia diateeaaed com- 
panion, lesring Mr. Tnpman and Mr. 
Snedgraaa in lae yeUde. 

The horae n« aooner beheld Ifr. 
Rckwidt advancing towavda him wHh 
tile chaiae whip in hia hand, than he 
exchanged the rotatorj inotien in 
which he had prenoaal3r indulged, for 
a retri^ade morement oi ae Tery de* 
termined a chaneter, that H at once 
drew Mr. Winkle, who waa atffl at l&e 
end of the bridle, at a raitiier quicker 
' rate than ftet waUdng, in tiie direc- 
tion from which theynad jnet come. 
Mr. Pickwick ran to his aariatanoe, 
bat the &ster Mr. Pickwick ran for- 
ward, the hsb&p the horae van baek- 
wsrd. There waa a great acraping of 
feet, and kicking np of the duet ; and 
at laat Mr. WinUe, his arma being 
nearly pidled oat of tinir aecketa, iaiiiy 
let go hia hold. The horae paused, 
stared, shook hia head, tamed round, 
and quietiy trotted home to Rochester, 
leaving Mr. Winkle and Mr. Pickwick 
pamg on each other innth coonte- 
lances of blank dismay. A rattiine 
Boise at a littie distance attracted 
then* attention. They looked up. 

** Bless my aool 1 '^ exdaimed tiie 
agonized Mr. Pickwick, *' tiiere'a the 
omer horae rnnning way I '' 

It waa but too true. The animal 
"was startied by the noise, and the 
reins were on hia back. The reault 
may be guessed. He tore off with 
the four-wheeled chaise behind him, 
and Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrassin 
tihe four-wheeled chaise. The heat 
^waa a riiort one. Mr. Tnpman threw 



Mmsdf isto tiie hedge, Mr. Snodgraas 
followed his example, tiie herse daahad 
the four-iidieeled chaise against a 
wooden bridee, separated tiie wheels 
from the boctjr, and tiie bin from tiie 
perdi ; and finally stood stock atill 
to gaze upon the ran he had made. 

The first care of the twovupilt 
friends was to extricate their usmiv 
tmate oompanions from their bed of 
qniekaet— a prooeea whidi gaire tbsm 
tiie unspeakable satisfSftction of diaeo- 
Tering that tfaty had auatained no in- 
jury, beyond aundzy rents in tiieir 
earments, and vanoas hMeaations 
from the bramblea. Tlie next tiling 
to be done was, to unhameas Ae 
horse. ThisoompMeatedpnceaa having 
been eflbcted, the par^ walked alowly 
forward, leadSnr the hont among 
tiiem, and abandoning tiie duuae to 
itsfikte. 

An hour's walking brong^ tiie tra- 
yellera to a littie roadrside pulbBc 
hense, with two ehnhtreea, a horae 
trough, and a asit-post^ in front ; one 
or two deformed hay-rieka beUnd, a 
kitchen garden at tiie aide, and rotten 
sheds and monldering out-houses jam- 
bled in stranee oonranon, aU about it. 
A red-headed man- was workinr in tiie 
gardoi; and to him Mr. Pfekwkk 
caUed luatily— << Hallo there 1 " 

The red-headed man raised his 
body, shaded hia eyee with Ibb hand, 
and stared, long and ooolfy, at Mr. 
Pickwick and his eompaaions. 

<< Hallo there !" repeated Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

*< Haflo !** was tiie redheaded man^s 
reply. 

•How fin* is it to Dmgley Dell t" 

* Better er seyen mile." 

** Is it a good road 1 ** 

«No,t'ant." Having utfeesed Ads 
brief reply, and appaientiy satialM 
himaelf with another scrutiny, the red- 
headed man resumed hia W(n^ 

** We want to put this horse np 
here," aaid Mr ^Picxwiek ; *^ I suppose 
we can, can't we-?** 

'' Want to pat that ere horse up, do 
ee 1 " repeated the red-headed man^ 
leaning on his spade. 

«< Of course," repHed Mr. PSekwiek 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



M 



%lio had by Una time advameed, hone 
in haiid^ to tiie garden rails. 

''Missus" — ^roared Ibe man witii 
the Ted head, emerging from Hie gar. 
dsD, and looking Tery hard at the 
hofse — ^ MisBiis.*' 

Aiali bony -woraaB — crtnighl aH the 
way down — in a eoaofse bhie pefisse, 
witii ibe waist an indi or two below 
her arm-pits, re^mnded to the catt. 

^ Can we put this horse i^ here, 
my good woman ! " said Mr. Tupman, 
advanciBg, and spetddng in his most 
sednetrve tones. The woman looked 
Tery hard at the whole party $ and the 
ved-headed man whispere d something 
in her ear. 

<* Ko/^ replied &e womaci,. after a 
little consideration, ^I'm afeerd on 
it." 

« Afiaidr" exdtthnedMr.PidEwick, 
^wbafs the woman afraid of ! " 

<<It got ns ia ttonble hwit time," 
said the woman, taming into the 
house ; ^ I weant ha^e nothin^ to say 
tahm." 

^ Most extraor^naxy thing I ever 
met with in my fife," said ite asto- 
nished Bir. Pidiwiek. 

«I— I-^«ally b^eve," wMspered 
Mr. Winkle, as his friends ga&ered 
ronad him, ** that they think we have 
come by this horse in some dishonest 
manner." 

« What !" exclahned Mr. Pickwick, 
in a storm of indignation. Mr. Winkle 
modestly repeated his suggestion. 

'' Hallo, you fellow ! " said the aagiy 
Mr. Pickwick, '^ do you think we stole 
tfaJshoDsel" 

^ I'm sore ye did," re|died the red- 
headed man, with a grin which agi- 
'tated his cotmtenance from one auri- 
colar organ to the olfaer. Saying 
which, he tamed into the house, and 
'bailed the door alber him. 

"It's Kke a dream," — ejaoolated 
Mr. Pickwick, *< a hideous dream. The 
'idea of a man's walkine about, all day, 
with a dreadful horse uiat he cant get 
xid of!" The depressed Pickwickians 
tamed moodily away, with the tall 
quadruped, for which ihey all felt the 
most unmitigated disgust, foUowing 
dowly at their heels. 



It was late in the afternoon when 
the four friends and their four-footed 
companion, turned into the lane lead- 
ing to Manor Farm : and even when 
they were so near their ^bu» of desti- 
nation, the pleasure they would other- 
wise have expmeneed, was materially 
damped as they reflected on the singu- 
larity oi Hieir appearanoe, and the 
abscffdity of their tstuation. Tom 
dotiies, lacerated faces, dusty shoes, 
exhausted looks, and, above all, the 
horse. Oh, how Mr. Piclrmck cursed 
that horse : he had eyed the noble 
ammal from time to time with looks 



expressive of hatred and revei^ ; 
more than onee he had calculated the 
probable amoimt of the expense he 
would incur by euttsng his throat ; 
and now the temptation to destroy 
him, or to cast hun loose upon the 
world, rushed upon his mind with ten- 
fold Ibree. He was roused from a 
meditati<m on these dfre imaginings, 
by the sadden a^^tearanee of two 
foores, at a turn of the lane. It was 
Mr. Wardle, and his fidthfol attendant, 
the &t boy. 

« Why, where have you been 1" 
said the hospitable old gentieman, 
"INe been waiting for you all day. 
Well, you do look tired. What! 
Scratches! Not hurt, I hope — eh? 
Well, I <xm glad to hear that — very. 
So you've been spilt, ehf Never 
mind. Common accident in these 
parts. Joe — ^he's asleep again I — Joe, 
take that horse from tiie gentieman, 
and lead it into the stable." 

The fat boy samiteced heavily be- 
hind them with the animal ; and the 
old gentieman condoling with his 
guests in homely phrase, on so much 
of the day's adventures as tiiey thought 
proper to communicate^ledthe way to 
the kitchen. 

** Well have you put to rights here,* 
said tiie old gentieman, ** and then 111 
introduce you to the people in the 
parlour. Emma, bring out the cherry 
brandy , now, Jane, a needle and 
thread here ; towels, and water, Mary. 
Come, girls, bnstie about.** 

Three or four buxom girls i^eedily 
dispersed in search of the diSevent 



40 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



artidefl in requluiion, while a couple 
of large-headedy circular-visaged males 
rose from their seats in the chim- 
ney comer, (for although it was 
a May evening, their attachment to 
the wood fire appeared as cordial as if 
it were Christmas,) and dived into 
some obscure recesses, from which 
they speedily produced a bottle of 
blacking, and some half-dozen brushes. 

** Bustle/' said the old gentleman 
again, but the admonition was quite 
unnecessary, for one of the girls 
poured out the cherry brandy, and 
another brought in the towels, and 
one of the men suddenly seizing Mr. 
Pickwick by the leff, at the imminent 
hazard of tlirowinghim off his balance, 
brushed away at his boot, till his 
corns were red-hot ; while the other 
shampoo'd Mr. Winkle with a heavy 
clothes brush, indulging, during the 
operation, in that hissing sound, which 
hostlers are wont to produce, when 
engaged in rubbing down a horse. 

Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded 
his ablutions, took a survey of the 
room, while standing with his back to 
the fire, sipping his cherry brandy 
with heartfelt satisfaction. He de- 
scribes it, as a large apartment, with 
a red brick floor,, and a capacious 



chimney ; the ceiling garnished with 
hams, sides of bacon, and ropes of 
onions. The walls were decorated 
with several hunting-whips, two ov 
three bridles, a saddle and an old rusty 
blunderbuss, witii an inscription below 
it, intimating that it was ^ Loaded " — 
as it had been, on tlie same authority, 
for half a century at least. An old 
eight-day clock, of solemn and sedate 
demeanour, ticked gravely in one 
comer ; and a silver watch, of equal 
antiquity, dangled Ci^om one of the 
many hooks which ornamented the 
dresser. 

'*' Ready I " said the old gentleman 
inquiringly, when his guests had been 
washed, mended,, brushed, and bran- 
died. 

" Quite," replied Mr. Pickwick. 

" Come along then," and the party 
having traversed several dark pa»> 
sages, and being ioined by Mr. Tup- 
man, who had lingered behind to 
snatch a kiss from JBmma, for which 
he had been duly rewarded with suur 
dry pushings and scratchings, arrived 
at the parlour door. 

'^ Welcome," said their hospitable 
host, throwing it open and stepping 
forward to announce them, <^We£ 
come, gentlemen, to Manor Farm." 



CHAPTER VI. 



AN OLD-FASHIONED CA&D-PARTT — THE CLERGYMAN'S VEBSBS — THE STORY' 

OF THE convict's RETURN. 



Several guests who were assembled 
in the old parlour, rose to greet Mr. 
Pickwick and his friends upon their 
entrance ; and during the penormance 
of the ceremony of mtroduction, with 
all due formalities, Mr. Pickwick had 
leisure to observe tiie appearance, and 
speculate upon the characters and 
pursuits, of the persons by wLom he 
was surrounded — a habit in which he 
in common with many other great 
men delighted to indulge. 

A very old lady, in a lofty cap and 



&ded silk gown — ^no less a personagii 
than Mr. Wardle's mother — occupied 
the post of honour on the right-hand 
comer of the chimnev-piece ; and va- 
rious certificates of her having been 
brought up in the way she should go 
when young, and of her not having 
departed from it when old, orna- 
mented the walls, in the form of 
samplers of ancient date, worsted 
landscapes of equal antiquity, and 
crimson silk tea-kettie holders of a 
more modem period. The aunt, the 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



41 



two youn^ ladies, and Mr. Wardle, 
each vying with ^e other in paying 
zealous and iini*emitting attentions to 
the old lady, crowded round her easy 
chair, one holding her ear-trumpet, 
another an orange, and a third a smell- 
ing-bottle, while a fourth was busily 
engaged in patting and punching the 
pillows, whidi were arranged for her 
support. On the opposite side, sat a 
bald-headed old gentleman, with a 
good-humoured benevolent lace — ^the 
clergyman of Dingley Dell ; and next 
him sat his wife, a stout blooming old 
lady, who looked as if she were well 
skilled, not only in the art and mys- 
tery of manufacturing home-made cor- 
dials greatly to other people's satisfac- 
tion, but of tasting them occasionally 
veiy much to her own. A little hard- 
headed, Bipstone pippin-faced man, 
was conversing with a fat old genUe- 
man in one comer ; and two or three 
more old gentlemen, and two or three 
more old ladies, sat bolt-upright and 
motionless on their chairs, staring 
very hard at Mr. Pickwick and his 
fellow-voyagers. 

*' Mr. Pickwick, mother," said Mr. 
Wardle, at the very top of his voice. 

^ Ah ! " said the old lady, shaking 
her head ; *' I can't hear you." 

^ Mr. Hckwick, grandma ! " scream- 
ed both ihe young ladies together. 

"Ah!" exclaimed the old lady. 
''Well; it don't much matter. He 
don't care for an old 'ooman like me, 
1 dare say." 

''I assure you. Ma'am," said Mr. 
Pickwick, grasping the old lady's hand; 
and speakmg so loud that the exertion 
imparted a crimson hue to his benevo- 
lent countenance ; " I assure you, 
Ma'am, that nothing delights me more, 
than to see a lady of your time of life 
heading so fine a family, and looking 
80 young and well." 

<< Ah ! " said the old lady, after a 
short pause ; <' It 's all very fine, I 
dare say ; but I can't hear turn." 

" Grandma 's. rather put out now," 
said Miss Isabella Wardle, in a low 
tone ; ^ but she 'U talk to you pre- 
sently." 

Mr. Pickwick nodded his readi- 



ness to humour the infirmities of age, 
and entered into a general conversa- 
tion witii the other members of the 
circle. 

*' DeUghtful situation this," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

«' DeUghtful ! " echoed Messrs. Snod- 
grass, Tupman, and Winkle. 

«WeU, I think it is," said Mr. 
Wardle. 

** There ain't a better spot o' ground 
in all Kent, sir," said the hard-headed 
man with the pippin-face ; « there 
ain't indeed, sir — I'm sure there ain't, 
sir ;" and the hard-headed man looked 
triumphantiy round, as if he had been 
very much contradicted by somebody, 
but had got the better of him at last. 

" There ain't a better spot o' ground 
in all Kent," said the hard-headed man 
again, after a pause. 

*' 'Cept MulUns' Meadows," obserrod 
tiie fat man, solenmly. 

"Mullins' Meadows !" ejaculated 
tiie other, with profound contempt. 

*^ Ah, Mullins' Meadows," repeated 
the fat man. 

"Reg'lar good land that," inter- 
posed another fat man. 

*^ And so it is, sure-ly," said a third 
fat man. 

<' Everybody knows that," said the 
corpulent host 

The hard-headed man looked dubi- 
ously round, but finding himself in a 
minority, assumed a compassionate air, 
and said no more. 

" What are they talking about ! '* 
inquired the old lady of one of her 
grand-daughters, in a very audible 
voice ; for, like many deaf people, she 
never seemed to calculate on the possi- 
bility of other persons hearing what 
she said herself." 
** About the land, grandma." 
*< What about the hmd 1— Nothing 
the matter, is there ? " 

*' No, no. Mr. Miller was saying 
our land was better than Mullins.' 
Meadows." 

"How should he know anything 
about it ? " inquired the old laidy in- 
dignantly. " Miller 's a conceited cox- 
comb, and you may tell him I said 
so." Saying which, the old lady^ 



^ 



POSTHUMOTO PAPERS OF 



quite unoonscioiis that ahe iiad sp<dEen 
abore a whisper, drew heradf vp, and 
looked carving kmvea at the havd- 
headed delinquent. 

'^Gomey eome/' said tin bustting 
host, with a natural anxiety to ehange 
the coBireraBtion,— *< 'Wlmt say yon to 
a rubber, Mr. Pickwick 1 '* 

« I f^uld tike it ol all things," re- 
plied that gentleman ; ^ but pra^ don't 
make up one on my aocoimt" 

**Ok, I aanire you, mothei^s Tory 
fond of a rubber,'' said "Mv. Wavdle ; 
^ ain't you, nurther 1 " 

The old hbdy, who was much less 
deaf on this subject than onany oter, 
replied in the affirmatiTe. 

<< Joe, Joe," said the dd gentleman 
-*->^ Joe — damn that->-oh, hm he is ; 
•pat oat the cazd-tahles." 

The lethargic youth eonteived whb- 
«(*]it any^ additioiud rousing, to set out 
two card-tables; ihe one for Pope 
Joan, and the other for whisi The 
whist-players were, Mr. Pickwiok and 
the old lady ; Air. Miller and the fat 
gentleman. The round game com^ 
{KEised the vest of the company. 

The rubber was conducted with afl 
tiiat granrity of deportment, and sedate- 
ness of demeanour, whidi befit the 
pfursuit entililed << whist" — a solemn 
observance, to which, as it appears to 
OS, the title of <^came " has been very 
jneveraitly and ignomlniously ap- 
pfiied. The round-game table on the 
other hand, was so boistevoualy menry, 
las materially to interrupt the contem- 
plations of Mr. Miller, who, not being 
quite so mnch absorb^ as he oog^ to 
have been, eontriTed to commit Ttai- 
CDS high crimes and misdemeanoon^ 
which excited tiie wntix of the &t gen- 
tleman to a very great extent, and 
called fordft the g<wd-humour of the 
old lady in a proportionaite degree. 

/< There ! " said the crimmal Miller 
trinnqphantly, as he took up the odd 
tnek at the conchision of a hand ; 
'^that could not have been plaved 
better, I flatter myself ; --impossible 
to have made another trick I " 

^ Miller ought to have trumped the 
diamond, ougfatn*t he, sir t *' said the 
^hdy. 



Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. 
« Ought I, though ! " said the jmSar- 
tonate, with a doubtful appeal to Ida 



^ You ought, sir," said Ae fat gen- 
tleman in an awftd voiee. 

^ Very wny,** said the crcat-faHen 
Miller. 

<< Mueb nse that^" gvovied the &t 
gentleman. 

^ Two by honoars makes us •ig^ty" 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

Anotiier hand. ^ Can yea one 1 " 
inquired tite eld bUly. 

''I can," fei^d Mr. Pickwtek. 
<< Double, sing^ and the mb." 

^ Nevor was suoh luck," said Mf • 
^fitter. 

^ Never waa muAi eards,'^ said the 
iat gentleman. 

A sotemm silence : Mr. PSekwiek 
hnmoroufli, the old lady Berioos, the 
fat gentleman eaptioufli, and Mr. Biifler 
timorous. 

<< Another double," said the oM 
lady : triumphantly maJong a memo- 
randan of the oircumstaaee, by placmg 
one sixpence and a batteored faalijpemiy 
under the eandlestiek. 

^A double, fir," said Mr. Piok- 



'' Quite awvre of the fkot, m,** t» 
plied the fat gentleman, sharply. 

Anoliier game, with a simikr resul^ 
was follow^ by a revoke from the 
unlucky Miller ; on which the fat 
gentleman burst i»t» a state of high 
personal excitement which laated until 
the oenelusaon of the gaiae, when he 
retired into a comer, and remaiiied 
pevfeody mute for one hour and 
twoity-seven minutes^ at the end of 
which time, he emerged from his re- 
tirement, and offered Mr. Pickwi<^ a 
pm(di of snuff with the wr of a man 
who had made up his mind to a 
Christian forgiveness of injuries sue- 
tainied. The old lady's hearing de- 
cidedly improved, and Ihe unracky 
Miller felt as much out of his element 
as a dolphin in a sentry-box. 

Meanwhile the round game pro* 
ceeded right merrily. IsabdUa Wardle 
and Mr. Trundle <<went partners," 
and Emily Wardle and Mr. SnodgnasB 



TfflS PICKWICK CLTTBl 



48 



did the 8une ; and vwva Mr. Tupman 
and the spinster sunty estebliahed a 
jointHBtoek oompaoy of fish aad fi«t- 
tery. Old Mr. Wardle was in the 
Tery height of his joUity ; and be was 
90 fttimj m his maaagrnigut of the 
boaard,. and the aid tedies w«ie ao 
siiarp after tiieiv wimungs, tiuit tile 
whole table ^pas in a perpetoal roar of 
aaetrimeBt and hmgfater. There mm 
ene old hi^ who aliways iiad about 
haif a doaen eards to pay for, at which 
ev«vyb«dy hraghed, regvhtfly erery 
round ; and when Iftie old lady looked 
erosB at having to pay, they biaghed 
londsr than «««r ; on wMeh the old 
lady's face graduaOy Iwi^tened np, 
till ait hist tshe hinghed louder than any 
of Item. Then, when the spinster 
annt got ** matrimony/* the young 
ladies hHighed afresh, and the qpinster 
aumt seemed diqrased to be pettish; 
HMf Ibeling Mr. Tnpman squeezing 
her head ander -Aib tabl^ the brig^ 
ened up too, and looked rather know- 
ing as il matrimony in reality were 
not quite so far off as some people 
thought for ; whereupon oTerylXMiy 
laughed again, and especially old Mr. 
Wardle, who enjoyed a joke as mneh 
as tile youngest As to Mr. Sned- 
grass, he dkl nething but wldsper 
poetical eeatiinents into his partner 
ear, which made ene tM gentiemaB 
£Metiou8ly sly, about partnerships at 
cavds, and partnerships for life, and 
csused the aforesaid old gentlemaD to 
make some remarfca thereupon, ae- 
companied with dlTers winks and 
dmeUes, whicAi made ilie company 
Tvy merry and the ^d gentlsmaii's 
wife* eqpecuilK' se. And Slr« Winkle 
came out with jokes which are very 
well known in town, but are not at all 
known in the country : and as erery- 
bedy lanj^ed at them very heartily, 
and said tiMy were very capital, m. 
Winkle was in a state of great honour 
and giory. And the bemrolent der- 
gyman looked pleasantly on $ for tile 
happy £Me8 whidi suzvouBded the 
taUe made -die good old man fed 
happy too ; and though the merri- 
ment was rather beiirterous, still it 
came from the heart and not Itom the 



Ups : and tins is the i!ght sort of mer- 
riment, after all. 

The evening glided swiftly away, in 
these cheerftil recreations ; and when 
the snbstantiid though homely sapper 
had been diBSpatched, and tiie IMtle 
party formed a social circle romd the 
fire, Mr. Pidcwick thought he had 
never feh so happy in his life, and at 
no time so much disposed to enjoy, and 
make the most of, the passing moments. 

'<Now this," said the hospitaUe 
host, wha was sitting in great state 
next the old lady's annrchair, widi 
her hand fast dai^ed in his — ^ This lis 
just what I like — ^the happiest mo- 
ments of my life have been passed at 
this old fii^»>side : and I am so at- 
tached to it, that I keep up a blazing 
fire here eyery evening, until it actu- 
ally grows too hot to bear it Why, 
my poor old mother, here, used to sit 
befbre lins fire-place upon that little 
stool, when she wasa gbl — ^dn't yoo, 
mother I " 

The tear which starts unbidden to 
the «ye when the recollection of old 
times and the hi^ppiness of many yean 
ago, is suddenly recalled, stcAe down 
the old lady's face, as she shook her 
head with a melancholy smile. 

<' You mast eaDcose my talking abont 
this old place, Mr. Pickwick," resumed 
the host, after a short pause — " for I 
lore it dearly, and know no other — ^tM 
old houses and fields seem like living 
friends to me : and so does our little 
church with the ivy,--about which, 
by-the-by, our excellent friend there, 
made a song when he first came 
amongst us. Mr. Snodgrass, have yon 
anything in your glass 1" 

« Plenty, thank yon,'* repfied that 
gentleman, whose poetic curiosity had 
been greatly excited by the last ob- 
servations of his entertamer. ** I beg 
yoor pardon, but you were talking 
about the song of the Ivy." 

** You must ask our friend opposite 
abont that," said the host knowingly : 
indicating the clergyman by a nod of 
his head. 

<' May I say that I should Uke to 
hear you repeat it, sari" said Mr. 
Snodgrass. 



44 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



«Why really," replied the clergy- 
man, '' It's a very slight affair ; and 
the only excuse I have for having ever 
perpetrated it, is, tha^ I was a young 
man at the time. Such as it is, how- 
ever, you shall hear it if you wii^." 

A murmur of curiosity was of course 
the reply ; and the old gentleman 
proceeded to recite, with the aid of 
sundry promptings from his wife, the 
lines in question. « I call them," 
said he, 

THE IVY GREEN. 

Or, a dainty plant is the Ivy green, 

That creepeth o'er ruins old ! 

Of right choice food are his meals I ween. 

In his cell so lone and cold. 

The wall must be crumbled, the stone decayed, 

To pleasure his dainty whim : 

And the mouldering dust that years have made, 

Is a merrv meal for him. 

Creeping where no life is seen, 
A rare old plant is the Ivy green. 

Fast he stealeth on , though he wean no wings, 

And a staunch old heart has he. 

How closely he twineth, how tight he clings. 

To his friend the huge Oak Tree ! 

And slily he traileth along the ground. 

And his leaves he gently waves. 

As he joyously hugs and crawleth round 

The rich mould of dead men's graves. 

Creeping where grim death has been, 
A rare old plant is the Ivy green. 

Whole ages have fled and their works decayed. 

And nations have scattered been ; 

But the stout old Ivy shall never fade, 

From its hale and hearty green. 

The brave old plant in its lonely days. 

Shall flatten upon the past : 

For the stateliest building man can raise. 

Is the Ivy's food at last. 

Creeping on, where time has been, 
A rare old plant is the Ivy green. 

While the old gentleman repeated 
these Imes a second time, to enable 
Mr. Snodgrass to note them down, 
Mr. Pickwick perused the lineaments 
of his face with an expression of great 
interest. The old gentleman having 
concluded his dictation, and Mr. Snod- 
grass having returned his note-book to 
his pocket, Mr. Pickwick said— 

"Excuse me, sir, for making the 
remark on so short an acquaintance ; 
but a gentleman like yourself cannot 
fail, I should think, to have observed 
many scenes and incidents worth re- 
cording, in the course of your expe- 
rience as a minister of the Gospel." 



'* I have witnessed some certainly,*' 
replied the old gentlemen ; " but the 
incidents and characters have been of 
a homely and ordinary nature, pay 
sphere of action being so very limited." 

" You did make some notes, I think, 
about John Edmunds, did you not I " 
inquired Mr. Wardle who appeared 
very desirous to draw his friend out, 
for the edification of his new visiters. 

The old gentleman slightiy nodded 
his head in token of assent, and was 
proceeding to change the subject, when 
Mr. Pickwick said : 

** I beg your pardon, sir ; but pray, 
if I may venture to inquire, who was 
John Edmunds)" 

<<The very thing I was about to 
ask," said Mr. Snodgrass, eagerly. 

" You are fairly in for it," said the 
jolly host. " You must satisfy the 
curiosity of these gentlemen, sooner or 
later ; so you had better take advan- 
tage of this favourable opportunity^ 
and do so at once." 

The old gentleman smiled good- 
humouredly as he drew his chair for- 
ward ; — ^the remainder of the party 
drew their chairs closer together, 
especially Mr. Tupman and the spin- 
ster aunt, who were possibly rather 
hard of hearing; and the old lady's 
ear-trumpet having been dulyadjusted, 
and Mr. Miller (who had fallen asleep 
during the recital of the verses) 
roused from his slumbers by an admo- 
nitory pinch, administered beneatii the 
table by his ex-partner the solenm 
fat man, the old genUeman, witiiout 
further preface, commenced the fol- 
lowing tale, to which we have taken 
the liberty of prefixing the title of 

THE CONVICT'S RETURN. 

'< When I first settied in this vil- 
lage," said the old gentieman, " which 
is now just five-and-twenty years ago, 
the most notorious person among my 
parishioners was a man of the name of 
Edmunds, who leased a small farm 
near this spot. He was a morose, 
savage-hearted, bad man: idle and 
dissolute in his habits ; cruel and fero- 
cious in his disposition. Beyond the 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



45 



few l&zy and reckless vagabonds with 
whom he saimtered away his time in 
the fields^ or sotted in the ale-house, 
he had not a single friend or acquaint- 
ance ; no one cared to speak to the 
man whom many feared, and every 
one detested — and Edmunds was 
shunned by all. 

*' This man had a wife and one son, 
who, when I first came here, was 
about twelve years old. Of the acute- 
uess of that woman's sufferings, of the 
gentle and enduring manner in which 
she bore them, of &e agony of solici- 
tude with which she reaied that boy, 
no one can form an adequate concep- 
tion. Heaven forgive me the suppo- 
sition, if it be an uncharitable one, but 
I do firmly and in my soul believe, 
that the man systematically tried for 
many years to break her heart; but 
she bore it all for her child's sake, and, 
however strange it may seem to many, 
for his father's too ; for brute as he 
was and cruelly as he had treated her, 
she had loved him once ; and the 
recollection of what he had been to 
her, awakened feelings of forbearance 
and meekness under suffering in her 
bosom, to which all God's creatures, 
but women, are strangers. 

"They were poor — they could not 
be otherwise when the man pursued 
such courses ; but the woman's un- 
ceasing and unwearied exertions, early 
and late, morning, noon, and night, 
kept them above actual want. Those 
exertions were but ill repaid. People 
who passed the spot in the evening — 
sometimes at a late hour of the night 
— ^reported that they .had heard the 
moans and sobs of a woman in distress, 
and the sound of blows : and more 
than once, when it was past midnight, 
the boy knocked softly at the door of 
a neighbour's house, whither he had 
been sent, to escape the drunken fury 
of his unnatural father. 

« During the whole of this time, and 
when the poor creature often bore 
about her marks of ill-usage and vio- 
lence which she could not wholly con- 
ceal, she was a constant attendant at 
our little church. Regularly every 
Sunday, morning and afternoon, she 



occupied the same seat with the boy 
at her side ; and though they were 
both poorly dressed — ^much move so 
than many of their neighbours who 
were in a lower station — ^they were 
always neat and clean. Every one 
had a friendly nod and a kind word 
for * poor Mrs. Edmunds ; ' and some- 
times, when she stopped to exchange 
a few words with a neighbour at the 
condnsion of the service in the little 
row of elm trees which leads to the 
diurch porch, or lingered behind to 
gaze vn&L a mother's pride and fond- 
ness upon her heathy boy, as he 
sported before her with some little 
companions, her care-worn face would 
lighten up Ynih an expression of heart- 
felt gratitude ; and me would look, if 
not cheerful and happy, at least tran- 
quil and contented. 

'' Five or six years passed away ; 
the boy had become a robust and well- 
grown youth. The time that had 
strengthened the child's slight frame and 
knit his weak limbs into the strength 
of manhood, had bowed his mother's 
form, and enfeebled her steps ; but 
the arm that should have supported 
her was no longer locked in hers; 
the face that shoidd have cheered her, 
no more looked upon her own. She 
occupied her old seat, but there was a 
vacant one beside her. The Bible was 
kept as carefully as ever, the phices 
were found and folded down as they 
used to be : but there was no one to read 
it with her ; and the tears fell thick 
and fast upon the book, and blotted 
the words from her eyes. Neighbours 
were as kind as they were wont to be 
of old, but she shunned their greetings 
wi^ averted head. There was no 
lingering among the old elm trees now 
— ^no cheering anticipations of hap- 
piness yet in store. The desolate 
woman drew her bonnet closer over 
her face, and walked hurriedly away. 

" Shall I tell you, that the young 
man, who, looking back to the earliest 
of his childhood's days to which me- 
mory and consciousness extended, and 
carrying his recollection down to that 
moment, could remember nothing 
which was not in some way connected 



46 



P08THUM0U8 PAPEBS OF 



witb a long series of TokaniKry priva- 
tions suff^d by jiiis mother for his 
saJce, with ill-nsagpey and inaiilty and 
•violenoe, and all endured f or^ hiai ; — 
shall I tdl you, that he, vn£ti a reck- 
less disregard of her faieaJcing hesart, 
and a sullen wilfiil f otgetfiBhiess of all 
^e had done and borne for him, had 
linked himself vrijSk depoaTed and 
abandoned mfln, and vnm madly pnr- 
flumg a headlong career, whidi must 
bring death to hun, and shame to herl 
Alas for human nature 1 You haive 
antio^pated it long since. 

^ISie measure of the unhappy 
woman's misecy and nuafertune wtm 
about to be oorapleted. Numerous 
offienoes had been committed in the 
neighbourhood ; the peipetDatom re- 
mamed nncB^coveved, and their bold- 
ness increased. A robbery of a daring 
and aggravated nature oceasioiied a 
vigilance of pursuity aad a strictness 
of search, they had not cakmlated on. 
Young Edmunds was suspected with 
three oompanions. He was appre- 
hended — committed — tried — con- 
demned — to die. 

^ The wild and pierdng shriek from 
a woman's voice, whiidi resounded 
through the court when the sokran 
sentence was pronounced, rings in my 
ears at this moment. Iliat cry struck 
a terror to the cidprit's heart, wiuch 
trial, oondenmation — ihe approach of 
deadi itself, had ftiled to awaken. 
The lips winch had been oompresBed 
in dogged sollenness throughout, qui- 
vered and parted involuatairily ; the 
fiMie tamed ashy pale as the ooid per- 
epiration broke fondi from every pore ; 
lae sturdy limbs of the-fekm trembled, 
and he staggered in the do:^. 

^in the &st tram^rts of her men- 
tal anguish, the soffering mother threw 
faersetf upon her knees at my feet, and 
fervently besought the Almi^ty Being 
who had hitherto supported her in aU 
her troubles, to reteese her iroim a 
wwid of woe and misery,and to spare 
the lifis of tier only ch3d. A burst of 
grief, and a violent struggle, such as I 
hope I may never have to witness 
a^ain, ■ucooeded 
heart 



but I never ooee heard comphunt or 
mnrmnr escape her lips. 

^ It was a pitBous spectacle to see 
that woaaan in the prison yard from 
day to day, eageriy and fervently 
attemptii^, by afibetion and entreaty, 
to soften the hard heart of her obdu- 
rate son. It was in vain. He re- 
mained moody, obstinate, and un- 
moved. Not even the unlooked-for 
commutation of his sentence to trans- 
portation for fourteen years, softened 
for an instant the sullen hardihood of 
his demeanour. 

^ But the i^irit of resignation and 
endurance that had so long upheld 
her, was unable to contend against 
bo^y weakness and iniinnity. She 
fell sick. She dragged her tottering 
limbs from ike bed to virit her son 
once more, but h«* strength failed her, 
and she sunk powerless on the ground. 

'* And now the boasted coldness and 
indiffwenee of the young man were 
tested indeed; and the retribution 
that fen heavky upon him, nearly 
drove him mad. A day passed away 
and his mother was not there ; another 
flew by, and she came not near him : 
a ^bM. evening arrived, and yet he 
had not seen hier; and in four-and- 
twenty hours, he was to be separated 
from her — perhaps for ever. Oh! 
how the long-forgotten thoughts of 
former dajrs ruflhed upon his mind, as 
he almost ran up and down the nar- 
row yard — as if intelligence would 
arrive the sooner for kii hurrying — 
and how bitterly a sense of his help- 
lessness and desolation rushed upon 
him, when he heard the truth ! His 
moliier^'the only parent he had ever 
known, lay ill — ^it might be, dying — 
within one mile of the ground he stood 
on; were he free and unfettered, a 
few minutes would place him by her 
side. He rushed to the sate, and 
grasping the iron rafls witb me energy ' 
of desperation, shook it tUl it rang 
again, and threw himself against the 
thi<rk wall as if to fbree a passage 
through the stone ; but the strong 
building mocked his feeble efforts, and 
I knew that her { he beat his hands together and wept 
from that hour ; | like a child. 



TfiB MOKWIOK CLUB. 



47 



^I bore the noAar's foi^veneaB 
and bleaang to her son in prisoa ; and 
I carried his flolemn aasaraace of 
repentaDoe, «nd his fervent snppUea- 
tion for pardon, to her nek bed. I 
beard, with pitjr and con^^aesion, the 
repeniaat man doTise a thousand little 
plans for her comfort and snppcnii, 
when be returned; but I knew that 
many months before he could reach 
his place <^ destination, his mother 
wonld be no longer of this worlds 

*^ He was removed by night A lew 
weeks a£berwards the poor woman's 
soul took its flight I confidf>ntly hope, 
and solemnly b^eve^toa place of eter- 
nal happiness and rest. I performed 
the bmnal .service over her remains. 
She Ues in our IHtle churchyard. There 
is no stone at her grave's head. Her 
sorrows were known to man ; her 
virtues to God. 

''It had been arranged previously 
to the convict's departure, that he 
should write to his mother so soon as 
he could obtain permission, and that 
the letter should be addressed to me. 
I3ie &ther had positively refused to 
see his son from the moment of his 
apprehension ; and it was a matter of 
indifference to him whether he lived 
or died. Many years passed over 
without any intelligence of him ; and 
whenmoxe than half his term of trans- 
portatioii had expired and I had 
received no letter, I concluded him to 
be dead, as, indeed, I almost hoped he 
might be. 

**^ Edmnndsshowevegc, had been sent 
a considerable distance up the country 
on his arrival at the settlement ; and 
to this dronmstance, perhaps, may be 
attrihnted the £»ct, that though several 
letters were despatched, none of them 
ever xe&ched my hands. He remained 
hi the same place during the whole 
fourteen years. At the expiration of 
the term, steadi^ adheon^ to his old 
resolution and Ihe pledge he gave his 
mother^ he made his way back to fing- 
huid amidst innumerable difficulties^ 
and returned, on £00^ to his native 
place. 

''On a fine Snnday evening, in tlie 
month of Aii^gns^ John Edmunds set 



foot in the viUage he had left wilb 
shame and disgnse seventeen years 
before. His nearest way lay through 
the ohurcl^ard The man's hewt 
swelled as he crossed the stile. The 
tall old ehns, through whose bianehes 
the declining sun oast here and tii«r» 
a rioh ray of light upon the diady 
patii, awakened the associations of his 
earliest days. He pictured hbnself as 
he was then, dinging to his mother's 
hand,and walking peacefully to ehurdi. 
He remembered how he used to look 
up into her pale face ; and how her 
eyes would sometimes fiU with tears 
as she gazed upon his features— >teans 
which feu hot upon his forehead as 
^he stooped to kiss him, and mado 
him weep too, although he little knew 
then what bitter tears hers were. He 
thought how oftan he had run miwisly 
down that path with some ehildiah 
p]ay£eUow, looking back, ever and 
again, to oatch his mother's smile, or 
hear her gentle voice; «id &en a 
veil seemed lifted from his memory,, 
and words of kindness unre^ted^ 
and wamiogs demised, and promiseft 
broken, thronged upon his reeollectioBi 
till his heart ftuled him, and he co^d 
bear it no longer. 

(« He entered the ehnroh. Theevtea* 
ing service was concluded and the 
congregation had dispersed, but it was 
not yet closed. His stej^s echoed 
through the low In&lding withn hoUo^w 
sound,and be ahnost feezed to be alone^ 
it was so still and quiet. He looked 
round him. Nothn^ was changed. 
The plaoeseemBd smaller than it used 
to be, but there were ths <dd nionu^ 
ments on which he had gased with 
childish awe & thousand times ; the 
little pulpit with its fSaded enshion ; the 
Communion-table before whooh he had 
so often repeated the Commandments 
he had reverenced as aohild, and for- 
gotten as a man. He approached the 
old seat ; it looked cold and desolate. 
The cushion had be^i removed, and 
the Bible was not there. Fexfaaips his 
mother now oocu^ed a poorer seaV 
or possibly she had grown iniicm and 
could not JMaoh the church alone. He 
dared not think of what he feared. A 



4JB 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



oold feeling crept over him, and he 
trembled violently as he turned away. 

*^ An old man entered the porch 
just as he reached it. Edmunds started 
back, for he knew him well ^ many a 
time he had watched him digging 
graves in the churchyard. What 
would he say to the returned convict! 

*' The old man raised his eyes to the 
stranger's face, bid hmi 'good even- 
ing,' and walked slowly on. He had 
forgotten him. 

''He walked down the hill, and 
through the village. The weather was 
warm, and the people were sitting at 
their doors, or strolling in their Httle 
gardens as he passed, enjoying the 
serenity of the evening, ana &eir rest 
from labour. Many a look was turned 
towards him, and many a doubtful 
glance he cast on either side to see 
whether any knew and shunned him. 
There were strange faces in almost 
every house ; in some he recognised 
the burly form of some old school- 
£eUow — a boy when he last saw him — 
surrounded by a troop of meny cMld- 
ren ; in others he saw, seated in an 
easy-chair at a cottage door, a feeble 
and infirm old man, whom he only 
remembered as a hale and hearty 
labourer ; but they had all forgotten 
him, and he passed on unknown. 

''The last soft light of the setting 
sun had fallen on the earth, casting a 
rich glow on the yellow com sheaves, 
and lengthening the shadows of the 
orchai'd trees, as he stood before the 
old house — ^the home of his infancy — 
to which his heart had yearned with 
an intennty of affection not to be de- 
scribed, through long and weary years 
of captivity and sorrow. The paling 
was low, though he well remembered 
the time when it had seemed a high 
wall to him : and he looked over into 
the old garden. There were more 
seeds and gayer flowers than there 
used to be, but there were the old 
trees still — the very tree, under which 
he had lain a thousand times when 
tired of playing in the sun, and felt the 
soft mild sleep of happy boyhood steal 
gently upon him. There were voices 
within &e house. He listened, but 



they fell strangely upon his ear ; tie 
knew them not. They were merry 
too ; and he well knew that his poor 
old mother could not be cheerful, and 
he away. The door opened, and a 
group of little children bounded out, 
shouting and romping. The father, 
with a little boy in his arms, appeared 
at the door, and they crowded round 
him, clapping their tiny hands, and 
dragging him out, to join their joyous 
sports. The convict thought on the 
many times he had shrunk from his 
father's sight in that very place. He 
remembered how often he had buried 
his trembling head beneath the bed- 
clothes, and heard the har^ word, 
and the hard stripe, and his mother's 
wailing ; and though the man sobbed 
aloud with agony of 'mind as he left 
the spot, his fist was clenched, and his 
teeth were set, in fierce and deadly 
passion. 

'' And such was the return to which 
he had looked through the weary per- 
spective of many years, and for which 
he had undergone so much suffering ! 
No face of welcome, no look of for- 
giveness, no house to receive, no hand 
to help him — and this too in the old 
village. What was his loneliness in 
the wild thick woods, where man was 
never seen, to this ! 

" He felt that in the distant land of 
his bondage and infamy, he had thought 
of his native place as it was when he 
left; it ; not as it would be, when he 
returned. The sad reality stinick 
coldly at his heart, and his ^irit sank 
within him. He had not courage to 
make inquiries, or to present himself 
to the only person who was likely to 
receive him witii kindness and com- 
passion. He walked slowly on ; and 
shunning the road>side hke a guilty 
man, turned into a meadow he well 
remembered ; and covering his face 
with his hands, threw hiii^elf upon 
the grass. 

^ He had not observed that a man 
was lying on the bank beside him ; his 
garmente rustied as he turned round 
to steal a look at the new-comer ; and 
Edmunds raised his head. 

'< The man had moved into a ntting 



THE PICKWICK CLUa 



40 



posture. His body 'was much bent, 
and his face was wrinkled and yellow. 
His dress denoted him an inmate of 
the workhouse : he had the appear- 
ance of being r&y old, but it looked 
more the effect of dissipation or dis- 
ease, than length of years. He was 
staring hard at the stranger, and 
though his eyes were lustreless and 
heavy at first, they appeared to glow 
with an unnatural and alarmed ex- 
pression after they had been fixed 
upon him for a short time, until they 
seemed to be starting from their 
sockets. Edmunds gradually raised 
himself to his knees, and looked more 
and more earnestly upon the old man's 
face. They gazed upon each other in 
ffllence. 

''The old man was ghastly pale. 
He shuddered and tottered to his feet. 
Edmunds sprang to his. He stepped 
Wk a pace or two. Edmunds ad- 
vanced. 

** 'Let me hear you speak,' said the 
convict in a thick broken voice. 

/"Stand off!' cried the old man, 
with a dreadfid oath. The convict 
drew closer to him. 

** 'Stand off P shrieked the old man. 
Furious with terror he raised his 



stick, and struck Edmunds a heavy 
blow across the face. 

^'Father— devil !* muimured the 
convict, between his set teeth. He 
rushed wildly forward, and clenched 
the old man by the throat — ^but he was 
his father ; and his arm fell powerless 
by his side. 

" The old man uttered a loud yell 
which rang through the lonely fields 
like the howl of an evil spirit His 
face turned black : the gore rushed 
from his mouth and nose, and dyed 
the grass a deep dark red, as he stag- 
ger^ and feU. He had ruptured a 
blood-vessel : and he was a dead man 
before his son could raise Imn. 



" In that comer of the churchyard," 
said the old gentleman, after a silence 
of a few moments, " in that comer of 
the churchyard of which I have before 
spoken, there lies buried a man, who 
was in my employment for three years 
after this event : and who was truly 
contrite, penitent, and humbled, if ever 
man was. No one save myself knew 
in that man's life-time who he was, or 
whence he came : — it was John Ed- 
munds the retomed convict'* 



CHAPTER TIL 

BOW IQL WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AX THE PIGEON AND KILLING THE 
CROW, SHOT AT THE CROW AND WOUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE DING- 
LET DELL CaEtlCKET CLUB, PLATED ALL MUGGLEION, AND ^OW ALL MUO- 
6LET0N DINED AT THE DINGLBT DELL EXPENSE I WITH OTHER INTEREST- 
ING AND INSTRUCTIVE MATTEBS. 



The fatiguing adventures of the 
^y or the somniferous influence of 
the clergyman's tale, operated so 
strongly on the drowsy tendencies of 
Mr. rickwick, that in less than five 
nunutes after he had been shown to 
his comfortable bed-room, he feU into 
ft somid and dreamless sleep, from 
vhich he was only awakened by the 
niomine; sun darting his bright beams 
i^roa<£fully into the apartment Mr. 
Pickwick was no duggard: and he 

No. 4, 



sprang like an ardent warrior firom 
his tent — ^bedstead. 

<< Pleasant, pleasant country,** sighed 
the enthusiastic gentleman, as he 
open^ his lattice window. " Who 
could live to gaze from day to day on 
bricks and slates, who had once felt 
the influence of a scene like this! 
Who could continue to exist, where 
there are no cows but the cows on the 
chimney-pots ; nothing redolent of Pan 
but pan-tiles ; no crop but stone crop ! 



M 



POOTHUMOUS PAPEB8 OF 



Who eoold bear to drsg out a life in 
such a spot I Who I ask could endure 
it !*' and, haying cross-examined soli- 
tode after the most approved preee- 
dents, at eonsiderable length, Mr. 
Piokwick thrust his head out of tiie 
lattiee, and looked around liim. 

The rich, sweet smell of the hajr- 
rieks rose to faSs chamber window; the 
hundred perfumes of the little flower- 
garden beneath, scented the air around; 
the deep-ereen meadows shone in the 
morning dew that glistened on ererj 
leaf as it trembled in tiie gentteair ; 
and the Inrds sang as if erery sparkHng 
drop were a fountain of inspiration to 
Ihem. Mr. Pickwick feu into an 
enchaating, and delicious rerericL 

" Hallol** was the sound that roused 
him. 

He looked to the right but he saw 
nobody; his eyes wandered to the lefl^ 
and pierced tiie prospect ; he etered 
into the sky, but he wasn't' wanted 
there; and then bs did what a common 
mind would have done at onee^-looked 
into tiie garden^ and there saw Mr. 
Wardle. 

^ How are you t " said that goodp 
humoured individual, out of breath 
with his own anticipations of pleasure. 
^ Beautiful morning, ain't it I Glad 
to see you up so early. Make haste 
down, and come out. 1 11 wait for 
you here." 

Mr. Pickwick needed no seeond ]&• 
vitation. Ten minutes suffio^ for the 
completion of his toiiet, and at the ex- 
piration of that time he was by the old 
gentleman's sde. 

« HaUo !" said Mr. Piokwiek in his 
turn : seeing that his companion was 
armed with a gu% and that another 
lay ready on the grass. « What's 
going forward !" 

** Why, your Mend and I," replied 
the host, ** are going out rook-shooting 
before breakfast He 's a very good 
shot ain't he I" 

** r^e heard him say he 's a capital 
one," replied Mr. Pickwick ; «but I 
never saw him aim at anything." 

<< Well," said the host, <" I wish he 'd 
eome. Joe— Joe ! " 

The fat boj^ i^o under the ezezting 



influence of the morning did not ap- 
pear to be more than &ee parts and 
a fraction adeep^ emerged from uie 
house. 

^*6o up, and call the genHeman^ 
and tell hhn hell ffaid me and Mr. 
PfekwidL in the rookery. Show the 
gentieman the way there ; d'ye hear f* 

The boy departed to execute his 
commission; uid the host, carrying 
bolii guns like a second Robinson 
Crusoe, led the way from the garden. 

^This is the place," said the old 
gentieman, pausing after a few imnnteB 
walking^ in an avenue of trees. The 
information was unneeessary ; for the 
ince s s a nt cawing of the unconscious 
rookt^ sofKcicnlly indicated their 
whereabout. 

The M. gentleman laid one gun on 
the eroundy and loaded the otiier. 

**Here tiiey are," said Mr. Pick- 
wick ; and as he spoke, the forms of 
Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. 
Winkle appeared in the distuioe. The 
&t boy^ not being quite certain which' 
gentkanan he -was directed to call, had 
with pecidiar sagaetty^ and to prevent 
the possibility of any mistake, called 
them aU. 

" Gome along," dionted the old gen- 
tleman, addressing Mr. Winkle ; ^ a 
keen hand like you ought to have been 
up long ago, even to such poor work 
as this." 

Mr. Winkle responded with a forced 
smile, and took up the spare gun with 
an expression of countenance which a 
metaphysical rock, impressed with a 
fnreboding of his approaching death 
by vi<rfence, may be supposed to as- 
sume. It might have been keenness, 
but it looked remarkably like misery. 

The old gentleman nodded ; and 
two ragged boys who had been mar- 
shalled to the spot under the direction 
of the infant Lambert, forthwith com- 
menced climbing up two of the trees. 

^What are those huls for!" in- 
quired Mr. Pickwick abruptly. He 
was rather alarmed ; for he was not 
quite certain but that the distress of 
the agricultural interest, about wludi 
he hf^ often heard a great deal, might 
have compelled the snuJl boys attac&d 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



51 



to- tfaft>fleil| to earn ft pKeouiooi and 
hazardous sabBisteiiee by making 
maika a^ themaelTca for iaaxperienced 



^Onljr to start iiie game,'' replied 
Mr. Wavdle^ laaighing. 

^'To.wha^r inquired Mr. Pick- 
wick* 

^ Whyv in plain English to frighten 
thfrraoks." 

«OhI Isihaiaar 

^^Yonaresatisaedr 

^QnHe." 

"VeryweU. ShaUIbeginr 

^ If yon please," said Mr. Winkle, 
^ad of any respka. 

'< Stand aside, then. Now for it." 

The boy shouted, and shook a 
branch with a nest on it. Half a 
doaen yonng. rooks in violent con- 
Tcntatioi^. flew ont to ask what the 
matter was. The old gentleman fired 
by way of reply. Down fell one bird, 
and off flew tiie others. 

^ Take him up, Joe," said the old 
jflnttflnuvfi I 

There was a smile upon the youth's 
free as he advanced. Indistinct vi- 
sions of rook-pie floated through his 
imagination. He laughed as he re- 
tixed with, the bird — ^it was a plump 
one. 

** Now, Mr. Winkle," siud the host, 
rdoadiift his own gun. " fire away." 

Mr. Winkle advanced, and levelled 
his gun. Mr. Pickwick and his friends 
cowered involuntarily to escape 
damage from the heavy fall of rooks, 
which they felt quite certain would be 
occasioned by the devastating barrel 
of their friend. There was a solemn 
pause — a shout — a flapping of wings 
— a faint click. 

** Hallo !" said Ihe old gentlenum. 

« Won't it go V' inquured Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

« Missed fire," said Mr. Winkle, 
who was very pale : probably fr^nn dis- 
i^pointment. 

''Odd," said the old gentleman, tak- 
ing the ff^xL ''Never knew one of 
them miss fire before. Why, I don't 
see anything of the cap." 

" Bless my soul," said Mr. Winkle. 
" I declare I forgot the cap I" 



The slight omission wis rectified. 
Mr. Pickwick croudied again. Mr. 
Winkle stepped forward with an air 
of determination and resolution ; and 
Mr. Tnpman looked ont from behind 
a tree. The boy shouted ; — four birds 
flew out. Mr. Winkle fired. There 
was a scream as of an individual — 
not a rook — ^in corporeal anguish. 
Mr. Tupman had saved the lives of 
innumerable uno&ending birds, by re> 
ceiving a portion of the charge in his 
left arm. 

To describe the coDfonon that en- 
sued would be impossible. To tdl 
how Mr. Pickwick in the first trans- 
ports of his emotion called Mr. Winkle 
"Wretch!" how Mr. Tupman lay 

rtrato on the ground ; and how 
Winkle knelt horror-stricken be- 
side him ; how Mr. Tupman called 
distractedly upon some feminineChris- 
tian name, and then opened first one 
eye, and then the other, and then fdl 
back and shut Uiem both ; — aU this 
would be as difficult to describe in de- 
tail, as it would be to depict the gra- 
dual recovering of the unfortunato in- 
dividual, the binding up of his arm with 
pocket-handkerchi^, and the convey- 
mg him back by slow degrees sup- 
ported by the arms of hu anxious 
friends. 

They drew near the house. The 
ladies were at the garden-gate, waiting 
for their arrival and theur break&si 
The spinster aunt appeared; she 
smiled, and beckoned them to walk 
quicker. 'Twas evident she knew not 
of the disaster. Poor itung ! There 
are times when ignorance is bliss in- 
deed. 

They approached nearer. 

" Why, what is the matter with the 
little old gentleman 1" said Isabella 
Wardle. The spinster aunt heeded 
not the remark ; she thought it ap- 
plied to Mr. Pickwick. In her eyes 
Tracy Tupman was a youth ; she 
viewed his years through a diminish- 
ing ^ass. 

"Don't be frightened," called out 
the old host fearful of alarming his 
daughters. The little party had 
crowded so completely round Mr. 



52 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Tupman, that they could not yet 
clearly diBcem the nature of the acci- 
dcmt. 

** Don*t be frightened," said the host. 

*^ T^iat's the matter !*' screamed the 
ladies. 

^Mr. Tupmaa has met with a little 
accident; mat 'sail." 

The spinster aunt uttered a piercing 
scream, burst into an hysteric laugh, 
and fell backwards iu the arms of her 
nieces. 

« Throw some cold water over her," 
said the old eentleman. 

'< No, no," murmured the spinster 
aunt; <<I am better now. Bella, 
Emily — a surgeon ! Is he wounded ! 

— ^Is ae dead I — ^Is he ^ha, ha, ha I" 

Here the spinster aunt burst into fit 
number two, of hysteric laughter, in- 
terspersed with screams. 

** Calm yourself," said Mr. Tupman, 
affected ahnost to tears by this expres- 
mon of sympathy with his sufferings. 
** Dear, dear madam, calm vourself ." 

*' It is his voice!" exclaimed the 
spinster aunt ; and strong symptoms 
of fit number three developed them- 
selves forthwith. 

<<Do not agitate yourself I entreat 
you, dearest madam," said Mr. Tup- 
man, soothingly. <* I am very litUe 
hurt, I assure you." 

« Then vou are not dead !" ejacu- 
lated the hysterical lady. " Oh^ say 
yon are not dead I" 

<< Don't be a fool, Rachael," inter- 
posed Mr. Wardle, rather more 
roughlv than was quite consistent 
with mb poetic nature of the scene. 
** What the devil 's the use of his tay^ 
mg he isn't dead !" 

-^'No, no, I am not," said Mr. Tup- 
man. ^I require no assistance but 
yours. Let me lean on your arm." 
He added, in a whisper, "Oh Miss 
Bachael!" The agitated female ad- 
vanced, and offered her arm. They 
turned into the breakfast parlour. 
Mr. IVacy Tupman gently pressed her 
hand to his lips, and sank upon the 
aofa. 

**Are you faint!" inquii'ed the 
«nxiou8 Rachael. 

« No," said Mr. Tupman. « It is 



nothing. I shall be better presently.** 
He closed his eyes. 

^He sleeps," murmured the spin- 
ster aunt (His oi^gans of vision had 
been dosed nearly twenty seconds). 
** Dear — dear — ^Mr.Tupman ! " 

Mr. Tupman jumped up— ^ Oh, say 
those words agam I " he exclaimed. 

The lady started. << Surely you did 
not hear them !" she said, baJahfuUy. 

« Oh yes I did I" replied Mr. Tup- 
man ; ^repeat them. If you would 
have me recover, repeat them." 

'<Hush!" said the lady. «My 
brother." 

Mr. Tracy Tupman resumed his 
former position ; and Mr. Wardle ao- 
compamed by a surgeon, entered the 
room. 

The arm was examined, the wound 
dressed, and pronounced to be a very 
slight one ; and the minds of the com- 
pany having been thus satisfied, they 
proceeded to satisfy their appetites 
with countenances to which an expres- 
sion of cheerfulness was again restored. 
Mr. Pickwick alone was silent and re- 
served. Doubt and distrust were ex- 
hibited in his countenance. His con- 
fidence in Mr. Winkle had been shaken 
— greatiy shaken — by the proceedings 
of the morning. 

^Are you a cricketer !" inquired 
Mr. Wardle of the marksman. 

At any other time, Mr* Winkle 
would have replied in the affirmative. 
He felt the delicacy of his situation^ 
and modestiy replied, ^No." 

^ Are you, sir !" inquired Mr. Snod- 
grass. 

^ I was once upon a time," replied 
the host ; " but I have given it up 
now. I subscribe to the club here^ 
but I don't play." 

** The grand match is played to-day^ 
I believe," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" It is," replied the host. ** Of course 
you woidd like to see it." 

" I, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, « am 
delighted to view any sports which 
may be safely indulged in, and in 
which the impotent effects of unskilful 
people do not endanger human fife.** 
Mr. Pickwick paused, and looked 
steadily on Mr. Winkle, who quailed 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



ftS 



beneath his leader's searching glance. 
The great man withdrew his eyes after 
a few minutes, and added : ** Shall we 
Jbe justified in leaving our wounded 
firiend to the care of the ladies T* 

^You cannot leave me in hetter 
liands," said Mr. Tupman. 

^ Quite impossible/' said Mr. Snod- 



It was therefore settled that Mr. 
Tupman should be left at home in 
eharge of the females ; and that the 
remainder of the guests under the 
guidance of Mr. Wardle should pro- 
ceed to the spot, where was to be held 
that trial of skill, which had roused all 
Muggleton from its torpor, and ino- 
4nilated Dingley Dell with, a fever of 
excitement. 

As their walk, which was not above 
-two miles long, lay through shady 
lanes, and sequestered footpaths ; and 
as their conversation turned upon the 
delightful scenery by which they were 
on every side surrounded, Mr. Pick- 
wick was almost inclined to regret the 
expedition they had used, when he 
found himself in the main street of the 
town of Muggleton. 

Everybody whose genius has a topo- 
graphical bait, knows perfectly well, 
that Muggleton is a corporate town, 
with a mayor, burgesses, and free- 
men ; and anybody who has consulted 
the addresses of the mayor to the free- 
men, or the freemen to the mayor, or 
both to the corporation, or all tluee 
to Parliament, wiU leam from thence 
what they ought to have known before, 
that Muggleton is an ancient and loyal 
borough, mingling a zealous advocacy 
of Christian principles with a devoted 
attachment to commercial rights; in 
demonstration whereof, the mayor, 
corporation, and other inhabitants, 
have presented at divers times, no 
fewer than one thousand four hundred 
and twenty petitions, against the con- 
tinuance of negro slavery abroad, and 
an equal number against any interfei^ 
ence with the factory system, at home; 
axty-eight in favor of the sale of 
livings in the church, and eighth- 
six for abolishing Sunday trading m 
the streets.. 



Mr. Pickwick stood in the principal 
street of this illustrious town, and 
gazed with an air of curiosity not un- 
mixed with interest, on the objects 
around him. There was an open 
square for the market-place ; and in 
the centre of it, a large inn with 
a sign-post in front, displaying an 
object very common in art, but rarely 
met with in nature — to wit, a blue lion 
with three bow legs in the air, 
balancing himself on the extreme 
point of the centre claw of his fourth 
foot There were, within sight, an 
auctioneer's and fire-agency office, a 
corn-factor's, a linen-waper's, a sad- 
dlor's, a distiller's, a grocer's, and a 
shoe shop — ^the last^nentioned ware- 
house being also appropriated to the 
difiusion of hats, bmmets, wearing ap- 
parel, cotton umbrellas, and useful 
knowledge. There was a red-brick 
house with a small paved court-yard 
in front, which anybody might have 
known belonged to the attorney : ^d 
there was, moreover, another red- 
brick house) with Venetian blinds, and 
a laige brass door-plate, with a very 
legible announcement that it belonged 
to the sorgeon. A few boys were 
making their way to the cricket-field ; 
and two or three shopkeepers who 
were standing at their doors, looked as 
if they should like to be making their 
way to the same spot, as indeed to all 
appearance they might have done, 
without losing any great amount of 
custom thereby. Mr. Pickwick hav- 
ing paused to make these observations, 
to be noted down at a more con- 
venient period, hastened to rejoin his 
friends, who had turned out of the 
main street, and were already within 
sight of the field of battle. 

The wickets were pitched, and so 
were a couple of marquees for the rest 
and refreshment of the contending 
parties. The game had not yet com- 
menced. Two or three Dingley 
Dellers, and AU-Muggletonians, were 
amusing themselves with a majestic 
air by throwing the ball carelessly fr(»n 
hand to hand ; and several other 
gentlemen dressed like them, in straw 
hats, flannel *acket8. and white trow- 



54 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



Ben, — a cofltome in which fhey looked 
Tery much like amateur stone-masons 
— ^were sprinkled aboat the tents, 
towards one of which Mr. Wardle 
conducted the party. 

Sereral dozen of** How-are-you's t" 
hailed the old gentleman's arriTBl ; 
and a general raising of the straw 
hats, and bending rorward of the 
flannel jackets, followed his introduc- 
tion of his guests as gentlemen from 
London, who were ex^emely an3dou8 
to witness the proceedings of the day, 
with which, he had no doubt, they 
would be greatly delighted. 

** Yon had better step into the 
marquee, I think, sir," said one yery 
stout gentleman, whose body and legs 
looked like half a gigantic roll of flan- 
nel, elevated on a couple of inflated 
pillow-cases. 

** You 11 find it much pleasanter, 
sir,*' urged another stout gentleman, 
who strwigly resembled Hie other half 
of the roll of'flannel aforesaid. 

** You're Tery good," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** This way,*' said the first speaker ; 
*' they notch in here — ^it*s the best 
place in the whole field ;" and the 
cricketer, panting on before, preceded 
them to tiie tent. 

** Capital game— smart sport — fine 
exercise — ^very," were the words 
which fen upon Mr. Pickwick's ear as 
he entered the tent; and the first ob- 
ject that met hk eyes, was his green- 
coated friend of the Rochester coach, 
holding forth, to the no small del%ht 
and edification of a select circle of the 
chosen of AU-Mugg^ton. His dress 
was slightly improTed, and he wore 
boots; but there was no mistaking 
him. 

The stranger recognised his friends 
immediately : and, darting forward 
and seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand, 
dragged him to a seat, with his usual 
impetuosity, talking all the while as if 
Ibe whole of the arrangements were 
imder his especial j»tronage and 
direction. 

** This way — ^this way — capital fan 
•^lots of beer — ^hogsheads ; rounds of 
beef— -buUocks ; mustard — cart loads ; 



glorious day — down with you — make 
yourself at home — ^glad to see you 
— ^very." 

Blr. Pickwick sat down as he was 
bid, and Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snody 
grass also complied with the directions 
of their mysterious friend. Mr. 
Wardle looked on, in silent wonder. 

" Mr. Wardle — ^a friend of mine/' 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

** Friend of yours ! — My dear nr, 
how are you 1 — Friend of my friend's 
— give me your hand, sir " — and the 
stranger grasped Mr. Wardle's hand 
with all the ferronr of a close intinuu^ 
of many years, and then stepped baoc 
a pace or two as if to take a full 
surrey of his fi&ce and figure, and then 
shookhands with him again, if possible^ 
more warmly &an before. 

** Well ; and how came yon here f* 
said li&. Pickwick, with a smile in 
which beneToknce struggled with sur- 
prise. 

•* Come," replied the stranser — 
** stoi^ing at Grown — Crown at Mng- 
gleton — met a party — flannel jackets 
— ^white trowsers — anchovy sand- 
wiches—devilled kidn^rs — splendid 
fellows — glorious." 

Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently versed 
in the stranger's sjrstem of steno^pby 
to infer from this rapid and disjointea 
communication that he had, somehow 
or other, contracted an acquaintance 
with the All-Mnggletons, which he 
had converted, by a {MX>ce6S peci:diar 
to himself, into that extent of good 
fellowship on which a general invita- 
tion may be easily founded. Hia 
curiosity was therefore satisfied, and 
nutting on his spectacles he prepared 
himseu to watch the play which was 
just commencing. 

All-Muggleton had the first innings ; 
and the interest became intense when 
Mr. Dumkins and Mr. Podder, two of 
the most renowned members of that 
most distingunhed dub, walked, bat in 
hand, to their respective wicketa Mr. 
Lufiey, the higfae&t ornament of 
Dingley Dell was pitched to bowl 
aeainst the redoubtable Dumkins, and 
Mr. Strngries was selected to do the 
same kind office for the 



THE PICKWICK CSAJK 



U 



vfieo9^iiendP«dder. SetanlpfaiyeM 
were steftiaiiedy to ^ look ouV' ^ 
different parts of the field, mad eaeh 
fixed luoiMlf into the propeF sttitade 
by placiDg one head on^eedi knee, and 
wtoof&ag yvry much es if he wove 
** making a back " for some beghmer 
at leap-&og. AJl the r^giilar j^agren 
do ilu8 flort of ihiiig ; — ^indeed, it's 
gmeratty sappooad ih^ it is ^pnfte im- 
possible to look out propeily in any 
other position, 

The.nmiHfee-were stationed behiiid 
the wickets ; tiie soovers were pre- 
pared to notch the cans; a breatUess 
fliknce ensoed. Mr. Loffey retired a 
few paces behind the wiiiet of the 
passive Fodder, and applied the ball 
to his right eye for seveial seconds. 
DnmUns confidently. awailed itaeosi- 
ing, with his eyes fixed ontbainotions 
of Loffey. 

<« Play/' suddenly cried the bowksr. 
Xhe bau flew from lus hand* straight 
and swift towardsthe centre stomp of 
the wicket. The waiy Dnmkins was 
on the alert ; it leU i»on the tip of 
the baty and bounded tar away over 
the heads of the sooots, who had jnst 
stooped low enoogh to let it fly oyer 
them. 

^ Rob — rmi-«»«notfaer.~'Now> then, 
throw her np-nap • with her-— stop 
tfaero ■another no — yes--no-« throw 
her np, tlurow.her up !"-^ach were 
the 8h<Nits which foUowed the stroke ; 
and, at tiie condhMion of wkidi AU- 
Mnggleton had scored two. Nor was 
Fodder behindhand in earning lanrds 
wherewith to gsmish himself and 
Mng^etOD. He blocked the doubtfnl 
balls, naned the bad ones, took the 
good ones, and sent them flying to all 
parts of the field. The scouts were 
hot and tired; the bowlers were 
fihanaed and bowled till their arms 
ached ; but Dumkins and Fodder 
remained unconquered. Did an elderly 
geotlofaaji essay to stop the jprogress 
of the ball, it rdled between his legs, 
or slipped between his fingtra. Did a 
shm gentleman try to catch it, it 
struck him on the nose, and bounded 
pleasantly off with redonbled videBee, 
idule ti&e slim gentkmaii's eyes filled 



with water, and Us fom. writhed wMi 

angaish. Was it thrown straight up 
to the wieketr Dumkins had reached it 
before the bail In shorty when Dum- 
kins was caoght out, and Fodder 
stomped oot, All<^ugg^etan had 
notched some fifty-four, while the 
seore of the Dingley Dellers was as 
bhttik as their faoBs. The advanti^ 
was too great to be recovered. In 
vain did the eager Lnffey, and the en- 
thusiastic Struggles, do all that skill 
and experience could suggest, to r^ain 
the groimd Dingley Dell had lost in 
the contest ^— <-it wa» of no avail ; and 
in an eariy period of the winning game 
Dingley DeU gave in, and allowed the 
simerior prowess of A^Muggletcm. 

The straneer, meanwhil^ had been 
eating, drinkmg, and taUdog, witihout 
cessation. At every good stroke 'he 
expressed his satisfiiction and i^iproval 
of the j^yer in a most condescending 
and patroniaing manner, which, could 
not nil to have been hi^y gratifying 
to the party concerned ; while at every 
bad .attempt at a catch, and every 
failure to stop the baU, be launched Imi 
personal displeasure at the head of the 
devoted individual in sudi denuncii^ 
tions as — ^ Ah, ah I — stupid " — " Now 
buttercfingers "— <« Muff"— '<Hnmbi|g" 

■and so forth — ejacidations which 
seined to establish him in the opinion 
of all around, as a most excellent and 
undeniable judge of the whole art and 
mystery oi the noble game of cricket. 

** Capital nune — ^well played--HHnne 
strokes admirable,'* said the stranger 
as both sides crowded into the tent, at 
the conclusion of the same. 

^ You hare played it sir 1 " inquired 
Mr. Wardle, who had been mush 
amused by his loquacity. 

" Fhbyed it ! Think I have~4hoa- 
sands of times — ^not here — West 
Indies— exciting tbing — ^het worlt-*- 
veryi" 

" It must be rather a warm pursuit 
in snch a climate," observeid Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** Warm ! —red hot — scorehuig-r- 
glowing. Flayed a match once — sinfde 
wicket — friend the Cokmel — Sir 
Thomas Blaao — ^who should get the^ 



a 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



greatest number ef miuk — Won. the 
toee — ^fiist inningB — seven o'dock, a.m. 
— etx natives to look oat — ^went in; 
kept in— rheat intense — ^natives all 
&mted — ^taken awav — ^firash half-dozen 
ordored — ^fainted also — Blazo bowling 
— supported by two natives — couldn't 
bowl me out — ^fainted too— «leaxed 
away the Colonel — ^wouldn't give in — 
faithful attendant — Quanko Samba — 
last man left — sun so hot, bat in 
blisters, ball scorched brown — ^five 
hundred and seventy runs — ^rather ex- 
hausted — (Quanko mustered up last 
lymaining strength — ^bowled me out — 
bad a baui, and went out to dinner." 

''And what became of what's-his- 
name, sir ! *' inquired an old gentimnan. 

« Blazo!" 

^ No — ^the other gentleman." 

''Quaako Samba r' 

« Yes MT." 

^ Poor (Quanko — never recovered it 
-—bowled on, on my account — ^bowled 
off, on his own — died tar** Here the 
stranger buried his countenance in a 
brown jug, but whether to hide his 
emotion or imbibe its contents, we 
cannot distinctly affirm. We only 
know that he paused suddenly, drew a 
long and deep breath, and looked 
anxiously on, as two of the principal 
members of the Dingley Dell club ap- 
proached Mr. Pickwick, and said— 

^ ^ We are about to partake of a plain 
dinner at the Blue Lion, sir ; we nope 
you and your friends will Join us.** 

''Of course," said Mr. Wardle, 
"among our friends we include Mr. 
■■ ; " and he looked towards the 

stranger. 

" fmgld,** said that versatile ^ntle- 
man, taking the hint at once. "Jingle 
— Alfred Jingle, Esq., of No Hall, 
Nowhere." 

" I shall be very happy, I am sure," 
sud Mr. Pickwick. 

«So shall V said Mr. Alfred 
Jingle, drawing one arm through Mr. 
Pickwick's, and another through Mr. 
Wardle's, as he whispered confi- 
dentially in the ear of the former 
gentleman: — 

" Devilish good dinner — cold, but 
capital— peep^ into the room this 



morning — ^fowlsand pies, and all that 
sort of thins— pleasant fellows these — 
well behaved, too — ^very .^ 

There bemg no further preliminaries 
to arrange, the company straggled into 
the town in little knots of twos and 
threes ; and within a quarter of an 
hour were all seated in the great room 
of the Blue lion Inn, Muggleton — ^Mr. 
Dumkins acting as chairman, and Mr. 
Luffey officiating as vice. 

There was a vast deal of talking and 
rattling of knives and forks, and plates: 
a great running about of three pon- 
derous headed waiters, and a rapid 
disappearance of the substantial viands 
on the table; to each and every of 
which item of confusion, the facetious 
^St. Jmgle lent the aid of half-a-dozen 
ordinary men at least. When every- 
body had eaten as much as possible, 
the doth was removed, bottles, gUsses, 
and dessert were placed on the table ; 
and the waiters withdrew to " clear 
away,** or in other words, to impro- 
priate to their own private use and 
emolument, whatever remnants of the 
eatables and drinkables they could 
contrive to lay their hands on. 

Amidst tiie general hum of mirth 
and conversation that ensued, there 
was a Httle man with a puffy Say-no- 
th]|ig-to-me,-orwI 'U-contradict-you sort 
of countenance, who remained very 
quiet ; occasionally looking round him 
when the conversation slackened, as if 
he contemplated putting in something 
very weighty : and now and then burst- 
ing into a short cough of inexpressible 
grandeur. At length, during a mo- 
ment of comparative silence, the little 
man called out in a very loud, solemn 
voice, 

"Mr. Luffey!" 

Everybody was hushed into a pro- 
found stillness as the individual ad- 
dressed, replied, 

"Sir!" 

" I wish to address a few words to 
you sir, if you will entreat the gentle- 
men to fill their glasses." 

Mr. Jingle uttered a patronising 
" hear, hear," which was responded to^ 
by the remainder of the company : and 
the glasses having been filled the Vice- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



57 



President assumed an air of wisdom 
in a state of profound attention ; and 
saidy 

« Mr. Staple." 

''Sir," said the little man, rising, 
^I wish to address what I have to say 
to ywi and not to our worthy chair- 
man, because our worthy chairman is 
in some measure — I may say in a 
great degree — the subject of what I 
have to say, or I may say to — to — 

*^ State," suggested Mr. Jingle. 

— <<Ye8, to state" said the little 
man, ''I thank my honourable friend, 
if he will allow me to call him so — 
(four hears, and one certainly from 
Mr. Jingle) — ^for the suggestion. Sir, 
I am a Deller — a Dingley Deller, 
(cheers). I cannot lay claun to the 
honour of forming an item in the po- 
pulation of Muggteton ; nor sir, I will 
frankly admit, do I covet that honour : 
and I will tell you why sir, (hear) ; to 
Muggleton I will readily concede all 
those honours and distinctions to which 
it can fairly lay elaun-^they are too 
numerous and too well known to re- 
quire aid or recapitulation from me. 
But sir, while we remember that Mug- 
gleton has given birth to a Dumkins 
and a Fodder, let us never forget that 
Dingley Dell can boast a Luffey and a 
Straggles. (Vociferous cheering.) Let 
me not be considered as wishing to 
detract from the merits of the former 
gentlemen. Sir, I envy them the lux- 
ury of their own feelings, on this occa- 
sion. (Cheers). Every gentieman who 
hears me, is probably acquainted with 
the reply made by an individual, who 
— to use an ordinaxy figure of speech — 
<hung out* in a tub, to the emperor 
Alexander : — ^ If I were not Diogenes,' 
said he, ' I would be Alexander.' I 
can well imagme these gentiemen to 
say, ' If I were not Dumkins I would 
be Luffey ; if I were not Fodder I 
would be Struggles.' (Enthusiasm.) 
But gentiemen of Muggleton is it in 
cricket alone that your feUow-towns- 
men stand pre-eminent 1 Have you 
never heaihl of Dumkins and deter- 
mination ? Have you never been 
taught to associate Fodder with pro- 
perty I (Great applause.) Have you 



never, when struggling for your rights, 
your liberties, and your privileges, 
been reduced, if only for an instant, 
to misgiving and despair ! And when 
you have been thus depressed, has not 
the name of Dumkms laid afresh 
within your breast, the fire which had 
just gone out ; and has not a word 
from that man, lighted it again as 
brightiy as if it h^ never expired ! 
(Great cheering.) Grentiemen, I beg 
you to surround with a rich halo of 
enthusiastic cheering, the united names 
of ' Dumkins and Fodder.' " 

Here the littie man ceased, and here 
the company commenced a raising of 
voicesj and thumping of tables, which 
lasted with littie intermission during 
the remamder of the evening. Other 
toasts were drunk. Mr. Luffey and 
Mr. Struggles, Mr. Fickwick and Mr. 
Jingle, were, each in his turn, the sub- 
ject of unqualified eulogium ; and each 
in due course returned thanks for the 
honour. 

Enthunastic as we are in the noble 
cause to which we have devoted our- 
selves, we should have felt a sensation 
of pride which we cannot express, and 
a consciousness of having done some- 
thing to merit immortahty of which 
we are now deprived, could we have 
laid the faintest outline of these ad- 
dresses before our ardent readers. Mr. 
Snodgrass, as usual, took a great mass 
of notes, which would no doubt have 
afforded most usefiil and valuable in- 
formation, had not the burning elo- 
quence of the words or the feverish 
influence of the wine made that gentie- 
man's hand so extremely unsteady, as 
to render his writing nearly unintelli- 
gible, and his style wholly so. By 
dint of patient investigation, we have 
been enabled to trace some characters 
bearing a faint resemblance to the 
names of the speakers: and we can 
also discern an entry of a song (sup- 
posed to have been sung by Mr. Jingle,) 
m which the words "bowl" "spark- 
hng" «ruby " "bright," and "wine" 
are frequently repeated at short inter- 
vals. We fancy too, that we can dis- 
cern at the very end of the notes, 
some indistinct reference to "broiled 



£8 



P08THUMOD8 PAPERS OF 



booM ;" and then the words '*eoiA ** 
'^witihoat" oeoor: but as any hypo- 
thesis we could found upon than mult 
aeceaBaraly rest upon mere eonjeotme^ 
we are not du^Msed to indulge m any 
of the apeculations to which they may 
give rise. 

We win therefote retum to Mr. 
Tupman ; merely adding duii within 
some few nunntes before tweliw o'ckxak 



that Bight, the oonpocatkn of wortUss 
of Diniley Dell and Muggleton^ were 
heard to sing with great feeling- and 
emphaos, the beautuiil and pathtetic 
national air, of 

We won't go hoaw ttU nunning. 
We wont go home till morning, 
We wont go home till morning, 
Tfll daf-llgfat doth aipp«iit» 



CHAPTER VIII. 

aiDMmOLT ILLVflKUillTK OF VOM FWXTieir, THAT TB> OOUItt OF TBUS LQFTB 

IS NOT ▲ ftUVWAT. 



Thb quiet Becluaion of Dingley Dell, 
the presence of so many of the gentler 
sex, and the solidtode and aozietv 
they evinced in his behalf, were all 
&yourabIe to the growth and develop- 
ment of those softer feelings whidi 
nature had im^anted deep in the 
bosom of Blr. Trac^ Topman, and 
which now appeared destined to centre 
in one lovely object. The yonn^ ladies 
were pretty, their manners wmning, 
their dispositions unexceptionable ; 
but there was a dignity in the air, a 
touch-me-not-iahness in the walk,, a 
majesty in the eye of the spinster 
aunt, to which, at their time of life 
they could lay no daim, which distin- 
guished her from any female on whom 
Mr. Tupman had ever eazed. That 
there was something kindred in their 
nature, something congenial in .their 
souls, something mysteriously syn^Mi- 
thetic in their bosoms, was evident. 
Her name was the first that rose to 
Mr. Tupman's lips as he lay wounded 
on the grass ; and her hysteric laugh- 
ter, was the first sound that fell upon 
his ear, when he was supported to the 
house. But had her agitation arisen 
from an amiable and femimne sensibi- 
lity which would have been equally 
irrepressible in any case ; or had it 
been called forth by a more ardent 
and pasffionate feefing, which he, of 
an men Hving, could alone awaken 1 
These were the doubts whii^ racked 



his farain as he lay. extended on the 
sofa : these were the donbts which he 
detennined should be at once and for 
ever resolved. 

It was evening. IflsbeBaand Esnly 
had stroUed a«it mhk Mr. Trundle ; 
the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in 
her chair ; the snonng of the fat boy, 
penetrated in. a low and monotonooa 
sound from |he distant kitchen ; the 
buxom servants were lounging at the 
side^door, enjoying the pleasantness of 
the hour, and the delignts of a flirta- 
tion, on first psine^lM, with certain 
unwieldy aniniala attached to the 
&nn; .and there sat the interesting 
pair, unearad for by all, earing for 
mme, and dreaming only of &em- 
selves : there they sat, in short,4ike a 
pair of cardttlly-folded kid-gloves-^ 
bound up in each other. 

^I have forgotten my flowers," said 
the spinster aunt. 

<* Water them now," said Mr. Tupr 
man in accents of psEsnasion. 

** You will take cold in the evemag 
air," urged the spinster aunt, affec- 
tionately. 

^ No, no," said Mr. Tupman, rising ; 
^it will do me good. Let me aecom- 
pany you." 

The lady paused to adjust the sling 
in which the left arm of the youth was 
placed, and taking ^ right arm led 
him to the garden. 

There was a bower at the frvthfCt 






I 

\ 

5 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



S» 



cndy wiUi l&onBjBneklBj jesmniiMiy and 
eveepiiig idanto — one of those mreet 
wfatinto, which hmnaae men exeet for 
tiM fteeomiiiodaAkm of spiden. 

The spmsfeer aunt took up a large 
miering-pot which lay in one earamp, 
and was about to leave tiie azbour. 
Mr. Tupman detained her, and drew 
her to a seat beside him. 
«Hw Waidk !*' said he. 
The spinster aunt trembled^ tm 
some pebbles whidi had aeodentally 
found their wa^ into the large water- 
ing pot, shook like an infimt^s rattle. 

«MiB8 Wardle/' said Ifr. Tupnum, 
« you are an angeL" 

<«Mr. Tupman!" exchumed Ra- 
chael^blushmg as red as the watering- 
pot itself. 

« Nay," said the eloquent Pickwick, 
imi— « I know it but too we^'* 

^ All women are angels, they say," 
m un uuie d the lady, pky^y . 

^'Thenwhal eui you be ; or to what, 
widiout presumption, ean I compare 
you! "replied Mr. Tupman. '^ Where 
was the woman ever seen, who resem- 
bled yon f Where else eould I hope 
to find so rare a oombinatiDn of exeel- 
lenee and beauty 1 Where else could 

I seek to Oh »" Here Mr. Tup- 

man paused, and pveesed the hand 
which dasped the handle of the happy 
watermg>pot. 

The lady turned aside her head. 
''Men are sneh deoeiTers," she softly 
whispered. 

*'They are, they are," ejaculated 
Mr. Tupman ; <* but not all men. 
There lives at least one being who ean 
never change — one being ^o would 
be ecmtent to devote his whole exnt* 
enee to your happiness — ^who lives but 
in your eyes — who breathes but in 
yoor smiles — who bears the heavy 
burden of life itself, only for you." 
<< Could such an individual be 

found," said the lady 

** But he can be found," said the 
ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. ''He 
it found. He is here Miss Wardle." 
And ere the lady was aware of his in- 
tention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon 
his knees at her feet 
«Mr. Tupman, rise," said RachaeL 



''Keivsr ! " was the valorous vsply. 
''OhjRachael !"— ^He seized her iwk 
sive hand, and the watering-pot fdl ta 
the ground as he pressed it to his lips. 
— ** Oh, Racfaael ! say you love me." ■ 

^Mr. Tiqman," said the flfnnster 
aonl^ with averted head — **1 can 
hardly tspetik the words ; but — ^but — 
you are not whoDy indifferent to me." 

Mr. Tupman no sooner heard lliia 
avowal, tlum he proceeded to do what 
his enthusiastic emotions prompted, 
and what, for aught we know, (for we 
are bat little acquainted with such 
matters,) peo]^ so drcumstanoed al> 
ways do. He jumped up and, throw- 
ing his arm round the neck of tiba 
spinster aunt, imprinted upon her fips 
numerous kisses, which after a due 
show of struggling and resistanee, she 
received so passi^y, that there is no 
telling how many more Mr. Tupman 
might have bestowed, if the kdy had 
not given a very unaffeeted start and 
ezdaimed in an affin^ted tonoi — 

<*lCr. Tupman, we are ofaaerved i— > 
we are diseovered I " 

Mr. Tupman looked round. Thaw 
was the fat boy, perfectly motionleBi^ 
with his large cireular eyes ataring 
into the ai%our, but without the 
slightest expression on his fooe that 
the most expert physioanomist could 
have referred to astoniumMnt, curio- 
sity, or any other known passion that 
agitates the human breast. Mr. Tim- 
man gaaed on the &t boy, and the nt 
boy stared at him ; and uie longer Mr. 
Tupman observed the utter vacancy 
of the fat boy's countenance, the more 
convinced he became Hhat he either 
did not know, or did not understand^ 
anything that had been going forward. 
Under this impression, he said with 
great firmness^ — 

<< What do you want here, sir t" 

''Supper's ready sir," was the 
prompt reply. 

" Have you just come here sir t" in- 
quired Mr. Tupman, with a piodiig 
look. 

" Just," replied the fot boy. 

BCr. Tupman looked at him verr 
hard again ; but there was not a wink 
in his eye, or a oorve in his face* 



«0 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



Mr. Tupman took the aim of the 
epinster aunt, and walked towards the 
house ; Ihe fot boy followed behind. 

« He knows nothing of what has 
happened," he whispered. 

^ Nothing," said the spinster aunt. 

There was a sound behind them, as 
of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle. 
Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. 
No ; it could not have been the fat 
boy ; tiiere was not a gleam of mirth, 
or anything but feeding in his whole 
visage. 

**He must have been fast asleep," 
whispered Mr. Tupman. 

^ I have not the least doubt of it/' 
replied the spinster aunt 

They both laughed heartily. 

Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat 
boy, for once, had not been fast asleep. 
He was awake— wide awake— to what 
had been going forward. 

The supper passed off without any 
attempt at a general conversation. 
The old lady had gone to bed ; Isa- 
bella Wardle devoted hersdf exclu- 
sively to Mr. Trundle ; the spinster 
aunt's attentions were reserved for Mr. 
Tupman ; and Emily's thoughts ap- 
peared to be engrossed by some distant 
object — possibly they were with the 
absent Snodgrass. 

Eleven — twelve — one o'clock had 
struck, and the gentlemen had not ar- 
rived. Consternation sat on every 
face. Could they have been waylaid 
jmd robbed ! Should they send men 
and lanterns in every direction by 
which they could be supposed likely to 
have travelled home ? or should tiiey 
—Hark ! there they were. What 
could have made them so late! A 
strange voice, too ! To whom could it 
i)elong ! They rushed into the kitchen 
whither the truants had repaired, and 
at once obtained rather more than a 
glimmering of the real state of the 
case. 

Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his 
|K)ckets and his hat cocked completely 
over his left eve, was leaning against 
the dresser, snaking his head from 
aide to side, and producing a constant 
jBuccession of the blandest and most 
benevolent smiles without being moved 



thereunto by any discernible cause or 
pretence whatsoever ; old Mr. Wardle, 
with a highly-inflamed countenance, 
was graspmg the hand of a strange 
gentleman muttering protestations of 
eternal friendship ; Mr. Winkle, sup- 
porting himself by the eight-day docKy 
was feebly invoking dee&uction upon 
the head of any member of the family 
who should suggest the propriety of 
his retiring for the night ; and Mr. 
Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with 
an expression of the most abject and 
hopeless misery that the human mind 
can imagine, portrayed in every linea- 
ment of his expressive face. 

« Is anything the matter ! " inquired 
the three ladies. 

•<Nothin' the matter," replied Mr. 
Pickwick. '* We — we 're— aU right. — 
I say, Wardle, we're all right, ain't 
wel" 

''I should think so," replied the 
jolly host. — ^My dears, here's my 
friend Mr. Jingle — Mr. Pickwick's 
friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon — ^little 
visit" 

''Is anything the matter with Mr. 
Snodgrass sir 1 " inquired Emily, with 
great anxiety. 

« Nothing the matter, ma'am, " re- 
plied the stranger. ''Cricket dinner 
— glorious party — capital songs — old 
port—claret — ^good — ^very good — wine. 
Ma'am — ^wine." 

"It wasn't the wine," murmured 
Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. 
"It was the sidmon." (Somehow or 
other, it never is the wine, in these 
cases)*. 

"Hadn't they better go to bed 
ma'am I " inquired Emma. " Two of 
the boys will cany the gentlemen up 
stairs." 

"I won't go to bed," said Mr. 
Wmkle, firmly. 

" No livine boy shall carry me," said 
Mr. PickwicK, stoutly ; — and he went 
on smiling as before. 

" Hurrah 1" gasped Mr. Wmkle, 
faintly. 

" Hurrah I " echoed Mr. Pickwick, 
taking off his hat and dashing it on the 
floor, and insanely casting his spec- 
tacles into the middle of ue kitchen. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



«l 



^At tliis hamonyDS feat he laughed 
oatright. 

"Let's — have --*nother— bottle," 
eried Bfr. Winkle, oommenciiig in a 
very loud key, and ending in a very 
£Eunt one. His head dropped npon his 
breast ; and, muttering his invincible 
determination not to go to his bed, 
and a aangninaiy ^^K^ that he had 
not "done for old Tupman" in the 
mornings he fell fast asleep ; in which 
cmditioa he was borne to his apart- 
ment by two yonng giants under the 
personal saperintendence of the &t 
boy, to whose protecting care Mr. 
Snodgrass shortly afterwards confided 
his own person. Mr. Pickwick ao- 
eepted the proffered arm of Mr. Tap- 
man and quietly disappeared^ gmiling 
more than ever; and Mr. Wardle 
after taking as affectionate a leave of 
the whole family as if he were ordered 
for immpdiatft execution, oonogned to 
Mr. Tnmdle the honour of conveying 
him up stairs, and retired, with a very 
Ib6le attempt to look impressively 
solemn and dignified. 
' <<What a shocking scene! ''said the 
spinster aunt. 

<> IMs — gusting V* ejaculated boUi the 
young ladies. 

** Dreadful— dreadful ! " said Jmgle, 
looking very grave; he was about a 
bottle and a ludf ahead of any of his 
companions, ^Horrid spectacle — 
very." 

<* What a nice man I ^ whispered the 
spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman. 

** Good-looking, too ! '* whispered 
Emily Wardle. 

*< Oh, decidedly," observed the spin- 
ster aunt. 

Mr. Tupman thought of the widow 
at Bochester : and his mind was 
troubled. The succeeding half-hour's 
conversation was not of a nature to 
calm his pertorbed spirit The new 
viater was very talkative, and the 
number of his anecdotes was only to 
be exceeded by the extent of his polite- 
ness. Mr. Tupman felt, tiiat as Jingle's 
popularity increased, he (Tupman) re- 
tired farther into the shade. His 
laughter was forced — his merriment 
''med ; and when at hist he b^id his 



aching temples between the sheets^ 
he thought, with horrid deHeht on the 
satisfaction it would afford him, to 
have Jingle's head at that moment 
between the feather bed and the mat- 
tress. 

The indefatigable stranger rose be- 
tim^ next morning, and, although his 
companions remained in bed overw 
powered with the dissipation of the 
previous night, exerted himself most 
successfully to promote the hilarity of 
the breakfast-table. So successful were 
his efforts, that even the deaf old lady 
insisted on having one or two of his 
best jokes retailed through the trum- 
pet ; and even she condescended to 
observe to the spinster aunt, that ^he" 
(meaikine Jingle) <^was an impudent 
young fulow : " a sentiment in which 
all her relations then and there pre- 
sent, thoroughlv coincided. 

It was the old lady's habit on the 
fine summer mominss to repair to the 
arbour in which Mr. Tupman had 
already signalised himself, in form and 
maimer following: first, the fat boy 
fetched from a peg behind the old 
lady's bed-room door, a close black 
satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, and 
a thick stick with a capacious handle ; 
and the old lady having put on the 
bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would 
lean one hand on the stick and the 
other on the fat boy's shoulder, and 
walk leisurely to the arbour, where 
the fat boy would leave her to enjoy 
the fresh air for the space of half an 
hoar ; at the expiration of which time 
he would return and reconduct her te 
the house. 

The old lady was very precise and 
very particular ; and as this ceremony 
had been observed for three successive 
summers without the slightest devia- 
tion from the accustomed form, she 
was not a little surprised on this par- 
ticular morning, to see the fat boy, 
instead of leaving the arbour, walk a 
few paces out of it, look carefully 
round him in every direction, and 
return towards her with great stealA 
and an air of the most profound 
mystery. 

The old lady was timoroufl-^most 






e% 



POBTHUBfOUS* PAPEBS OF 



9M IMinairo Kod bar fii«fc impreMkm 
mm that the bloated lad was aboot to 
do hor florae gnevooa bodily haim with 
tho yum of powesane himaelf of her 
looee eon. She woum faave died for 
aaoBtaiice, but aee and infirmity had 
long ago depriTod hot of the power of 
aereaming ; she, therefore, watched hia 
motions with f eelingpB of intense tensor, 
iriueh were in no degree dinriniahed 
by his coming doae up to hflr^ and 
sfaonikig in her ear in anagitaM, and 
as it seened to her, a tfarentoiing 
tone: 

<<MiflBsl'' 

Now it 80 happened thai Mr. Jingle 
WMrwalldng in toe garden cloae to the 
avbour attms moment. He toolieard 
the aboot of '* Missus/' aBd.stopped>to 
bearmoreL There were three reasons 
for his doing so. In the first >p]aee^ 
he was idle imd curious ; seeondlyy he 
was by no means scmpulons ; tfaudly, 
and UuBtly, he was oonoealed tram vww 
by some flowering shxnbs. So there 
ba stood, and there he listened. 

<< Missus !" shouted the fat boy. 

^ Well Joe/' said the trembling old 
lady« ** I 'm sure I haye bera a good 
mistvess to yon Joa. Yon httre in- 
variably be«i treated verj kindly. 
You have nerer had too mnch to do.; 
and yon have always had enough toeat." 

This last was an appeal to tiie &t 
boy's most sensitiTe fec^mgs. He 
seemed touched, as ha n^ed, eor 
phatically : 

^ I knows I has*" 

^ Then what can you. want to do 
now!" said the old lady, , gaining 
courage. 

^ I wants to make year flesh creep," 
re^ed the boy. 

This sounded like a very blood* 
thirsty mode of showing one's grati« 
tnde ; and as the old lady did not 
precisely understand the process by 
which such a result was to be attained, 
all-her former horrors returned. 

<< What do you think I see in this 
yery arbour last night !" inquired the 
boy. 

^Bless us! What!" exchumed 
the old lady, alarmed at the solemn 
■laimer of the corpulent youth. 



<<The stcange 
had his arm hurt — ^a Idssin' and 
hugm' *' 

^Who, Joe I None of the scv- 
yants, I hopow" 

** Woffser than that," roared the fiit 
boy^ in the old lady's ear. 

«>Notone of my gnuid-da>'atfli9i f* 

^ Worser than thai," 

<< Wozse than that Joe t" said tJw 
old lady, who had thought this the ex* 
tnme umit of human atrodttr. ^ Who 
was it,. Joe f I insist upon knowings" 

The fat boy looked cantioasly round, 
sod having concluded his sarysyy 
shouted in the old lady's ear : 

*' Miss RachaeL" 

« What !" said the old hidy, in a 
shrill tone. « Speak loader." 

<<Mis8 Bachael," roared tfaefatboy. 

''Myda'aterl" 

The tEain of node whieii the &i boy 
gave by way of assent, communicated 
i^hkme'mange like motion to his.fiKt 
cheeks^. 

^ And she suffiered him.1" efslaimwi 
the old lady. 

A grin stole over the iat boy's fea- 
tures as 1)0 said : 

'< I see her a kissin* of him affi^'> 

If Mr. Jingle, from Ins i£use of 
oeDceahnent, could have beheld the 
expression whibh the old lady's fiMS 
assumed at this comnranicatbn, the 
probability is that a sudden bunt of 
laughter would have betrayed bis 
dose vicinity to the fltdmmeishouse. 
He listened attentively. Fngments 
of angpry sentences soch as, '* Without 
my permission 1" — ^ At her time of 
life" — ^Miserable Oid 'ooman like 
me " — ** Might have waited till I was 
dead," and so forth, reached his ears ; 
and then he heard the heehi of the &t 
boy's boots eruni^ing the gravel, as he 
retired and left the old lady ahme. 

It was a remarkable coinridenoe 
periiap% but it was nevertheleBS a 
Isct, that Mr. Jingle within five mi- 
nutes after his arrival at Manor Farm 
on the preceding night, had inwardly 
resolved to lay sieee to the heart of the 
spinster aunt, without delay. He bad 
observation enough to see, that his 
off-hand manner was by no means dis- 



THE FICCWIGE' CI2I7B. 



68' 



agreeable to the- fiur object of his 
attack ; and he- had more than a 
strong suspicion that she poMmned 
that most desirable of all reqanitesy a 
small independence. The imperatiTe 
necessity' of onsting his rival hj some 
means or otbec, flashed qoiekly iroon 
him^ and he immediately nsehred to 
adopt certain proeeedings tendiBg to 
that end and object, without amoment*s 
delay. Fielding tells us that man is 
fire, and woman tow, and the Fmoe 
of Darkness sets a light to 'em. "Mr. 
Jingle knew tbatyomig men, to ^ins- 
ter amntSy are as lighted gas to gun- 
powder, and he detamined to enay 
the effeict of an exploaon without loss 
of time. 

FnU of refieetioas vftm this inq>or- 
tant decisi<m, he crept from his {dace 
of concealment, and, under cover of the 
shrubs before nieiitioned^ approached 
the house. Fortune seenwd detos 
mmed to furour his design. Mr. 
Tupman and the rest of the gentismen 
left the gasdeo by iheode gate just as 
he obtained a view of it ; and the young 
ladies he knew, had walked oat alone, 
soop after break&st The coast was 



ti ' M w h ft r e u s dog, Joe— 4qU the eM' 
lady old lady fiirieue— wild<— raTing 
— ariwoF' ■ Tnppap*~Jd8BiPg and fang- 
gmg-— alllJHiilsortof thuig— ^j ma'am 
— eb!» 

«Mr; Jingle," said Ae sphnler 
annt, " if yen eome iMre sir^ to iaflult 
me* 



» 



The braakftst-pariour door 
tially open. He peeped m. Thesnns- 
Uk ami wm kmttio^. He coughed ; 
she looked up and smiled. Hesitatkm 
fanned no part of Mr. Alfred Jinf^'s 
chaxaoter. He laid his finger on his 
lips mysteaonsly, walked in, and dosed 
thedoiar. 

/<Mi«8 Wardk," said Mr. Jhi^^ 
with affected earaestness, ^'foigiTe 
intmvon — short acquaintance — no 
time for ceremony — all discovered." 

^ Sir !" said thespinster aant,niAer 
astoniafaed by the unexpected appari- 
tion and somewhat doubtful of Mc. 
JiBg]e*8 sanify. 

^Huahl" said Mr. Jinsle, inastags 
whiter ; — ** large boy— dumpling frice 
T-ieand eyes— -rascal ! " Here he 
shook his head expressively, and the 
apinatar.aunt trembled with agitation. 

^I presume you allude to Joseph 
sir I" said the lady, making an effert 
to appear composed. 

"xeB, ma'aob-daiBB that Joel— 



<< Net at all— 4»y no meaBB," repfied 
the onabashed "Ur. Jingle; — ^over- 
heard the tale— came to warn voa of 
yoor danger— deader my semoes— 
prevent the faabbnh. Never mind- 
think it an insult- le a v e the room"-— 
and he toned, as if to caxfy the 
threat into execution. 

'^Wbat^mUl do I" said the poor 
spinster, borsting into tears. *<My 
to o tiher will be fuious !" 

«Of coarse he wiU;* said Mr. Jmgle 
jffntfmg — ft ontraseons." 

«0h Bdr. Jm^ what eon I say !" 
exdadmed the spinstar anni, in another 
flood of dei^air. 

« Say he dreamt iV replied Mr. 
Jingle, coolly. 

A ragr of eonfort darted aeroas the 
nmid. ai the spinster aunt at this 
SBggestioBi Mr. Jinde perceived it, 
and followed vm faisBdvantage* 

^ Pooh, pooh I— Bodung more easy 
— blaekgwufd boy — lovely woman — mt 
boy^unsewfaipped — yon believed— end 
of the mattsp all oomfortahle." 

Wliether 4lie probability of esca{nne 
frvm tfae e oBse q ucpces of this ill-timed 
disebviezT was delightful to the spina- 
ter's feeungs, or whether the hearing 
herself desoEibed as a <' lovely woman" 
softened the asperity of her grief, we 
know not She Uinhed Btiffbtiy, and 
cast a grateful look on Mr. Jingle. 

lliat insinuaiing geintteman sighed 
deeply, fixed his eyes on the spinster 
aunt's face for a couple of minntes, 
started melo-dnunatieaily, and sud- 
denly withdrew them. 

"Yoa seem unhappy Mr. Jingle,** 
said the lady, in a plaintive voice. 
^ May I show my gratitude for your 
kind interference, by inquirmg into 
the cause, with a view, if possible, to 
its removal!" 

'< Ha 1" exdauned Mr. Jingle, wilii 
I anodKratarth^removall cwMvemy 



H 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



imhappineflfly and yonr love bestowed 
upon a man who is insensible to the 
biessing — ^who even now contemplates 
a design upon the affections of the 
niece of the creature who — but no ; he 
is my friend ; I will not expose his 
vices. Miss Wardle — ^farewell 1*' At 
the conclusion of this address, the 
most consecutive he was ever Imown 
to utter, Mr. Jingle implied to his e^es 
the remnant of a handkerchief berore 
noticed, and turned towards the door. 

<* Stay, Mr. Jingle 1" said the spin- 
ster aunt emphatically. " You have 
made an allusion to Mr. Tupman — 
explain iC* 

<' Never I "exclaimed Jingle, with 
a professional (i.e. theatriod) sir. 
<< Never!" and, by way of showine 
that he had no des&e to be questioned 
further, he drew a chair close to that 
of the spinster aunt and sat down. 

^Mr. Jingle," said the aunt, ^ I en- 
treat — I implore you, if there is any 
dreadful mystery connected with Mr. 
Tupman, reveal it." 

« Can I," said Mr. Jmgle, fixing his 
eyes on the aunt's iiftce — ^^Gan I see 
— ^lovely creature — sacrificed at the 
shrine---heartie8s avarice 1 " He ap- 
peared to be struggling with various 
conflicting emotions for a few seconds, 
and then said in a low deep voice — 

" Tupman only wants your money.** 

" The wretch 1 " exclaimed the spin- 
ster, with energetic indignation* (Mr. 
Jingle's doubte were resolved. She 
Aoamoney). 

^More than that," said Jingle — 
<^ loves another." 

^ Another ! " ejaculated the spin- 
ster. "Who!" 

^ Short girl — black eyes— niece 
Emily." 

There was a pause. 

Now, if there were one individual in 
the whole world, of whom the spinster 
aunt entertained a mortal and deeply- 
rooted jealousy, it was this identiod 
niece. The colour rushed over her 
face and neck, and she tossed her 
head in silence with an air of inef- 
fable contempt At last, biting her 
thin lips, and bridling up, she said, — 

«Iteaa*tbe» I wont behove it." 



« Watch 'em, " said Juigle. 

«Iwill,"saidtheannt. 

<<Wateh his looks." 

« I will." 

<< His whispers." 

«lwill." 

« He *11 sit next her at table." 

« Let him." 

<< He '11 flatter her." 

« Let him." 

^^He'll pay her every possible at- 
tention." 

«Lethmi." 

« And he 'U cut you." 

^Cut me/** screamed the spinster 
aunt. ** He cut me ; — wiU he ! " and 
she trembled with rage and disap* 
pointment. 

^ You win oonVlnee yourself ! " said 
Jingle. 

« I will." 

^ You '11 show your spirit I " 

« I wiU." 

« You '11 not have him afterwards !^ 

« Never." 

« You 'U take somebody else ! " 

«Yca" 

« You shall." 

Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, re- 
mained thereupon for five minutes 
thereafter: and rose the accepted lover 
of tile spinster aunt : conditionally 
upon Tupman's perjury being made 
clear and manifest. 

The burden of proof lay witii Mr. 
Alfred Jinffle ; and he produced his 
evidence uat very day at dinner. 
The spinster aunt could hardly believe 
her eves. Mr. Tracy Tupman was 
established at Emily's side, ogling, 
wfaimering, and smiling, in opposition 
to Mr. Snodgrass. IJot a word, not 
a look, not a glance, did he bestow 
upon his heart's pride of the evening 
before. 

« Damn that boy ! " thouffht old Mr. 
Wardle to himself.— He had heard 
the story from his mother. <<Damtt 
that boy I He miut have been asleep. 
It's all imagination." 

« Traitor I" thought the spinster 
aunt. ''Dear Mr. Jingle was not do- 
ceiving me. Ugh I how I hate the 
wreteh !" 

The following converBation may 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



65 



serve to explain to our readers^ this 
apparently unaccountable alteration of 
deportment, on the part of Mr. Tracy 
Tnpman. 

.Q^ie time was eyening ; the scene 
flie garden. There were two figures 
wallong in a side path ; one was 
ratiier short and stout; the other 
rather tall and slim. They were Mr. 
Tnpman and Mr. .Hngle. The stout 
figure commenced the dialogue. 

''How did I do it T' he inquired. 

" Splendid — capital — couldn't act 
better myself — ^you must repeat the 
part to-morrow — every evening, till 
further notice." 

''Does.Rachael still wish it ? " 

''Of course — she don't like it but 

must be done— «vert suspicion — ^afraid 
of her brotiier — says there 's no help 
fbr it— only few days more — ^when 
old folks blinded — crown your hap- 
piness." 

"Any message?" 

" Love — best love — kindest regards 
— ^unalterable affection. Oem I say 
an3rthing for you I " 

"My dear fellow," replied the 
unsuspicious Mr. Tupman, ferventiy 
grasping his "friend's" hand — ^ cany 
my best love^say how hard I find 
it to dissemble — say anything that's 
kind : but add how sensible I am of 
the necessity of the suggestion she 
made to me, through you, this morn- 
ing. Say I applaud her wisdom and 
acumre her discretion." 

" I will. Anything more ! " 

" Nothing ; only add how ardently 
I long for the time when I may call 
her mine, and all dissimulation may 
be unnecessary." 

" Certainly, certainly. Anything 
more 1 " 

." Oh, my friend ! " said poor Mr. 
Tupman, again grasping the hand of 
his companion, " receive my warmest 
thanks for your disinterested kindness ; 
and forgive me if I have ever, even in 
thought, done you the injustice of 
supposing that you could stand in my 



way. My dear friend can I ever re- 
pay you 1 " 

"Don't talk of it," replied Mr. 
Jingle. He stopped short, as if sud- 
denly recollecting something, and 
said, — " By-the-by — can't spare ten 
pounds, can yout — very particular 
purpose — ^pay you in three days." 

"I dare say I can," replied Mr. 
Tupman, in the fulness of his heart. 
" Three days, you say ? " 

" Only three days— -all over tilien — 
no more difficulties." 

Mr. Tupman counted the money 
into his companion's hand, and he 
dropped it piece by piece into his 
pocket, as they walked towards the 
house. 

" Be careful," said Mr. Jingle — 
"not a look." 

" Not a wink," said Mr. Tupman. 
'* Not a syllable." 
" Not a whisper." 

" AH your' attentions to the niece — 
rather rude, than otherwise, to the 
aunt — only way of deceiving the old 
ones." 

" I '11 take care," said Mr. Tupman, 
aloud. 

" And 711 take care," said Mr. 
Jingle internaUy; and they entered 
the house. 

The scene of that afternoon was 
repeated that evening, and on the 
three afternoons and evenings next 
ensuing. On the fourth, the host was 
in high spirits, for he had satisfied 
himself that there was no ground for 
the charge against Mr. Tupman. So 
was Mr. Tupman, for Mr. Jingle had 
told him that his afiair would soon be 
brought to a crisis. So was Mr. 
Pickwick, for he . was seldom other- 
wise. So was not Mr. Snudgrass, for 
he had grown jealous of Mr. Tupman. 
So was the old lady, for she had been 
winning at whist.- So were Mr. 
Jingle and Miss Wardle, for reasons 
of sufficient importance in this event- 
ful history, to be narrated in another 
chapter. 



No. 5. 



M 



POSTHUMOUS PAPCRS OF 



CHAPTEE EL 



A jnaOOffEKT AND A CHASE. 



Thv sapper was nadf laMy the 
ohaiTS were dawwli round the table, 
botUeS} jugs anigtaflMa ware ttnraoged 
upon the sdebMrd^ aad crrerytfamg 
betokened lihe appaoach of tha moat 
convivial period in the wbofo fionr 
and twenty hoivB. 

« Where's BAchaet!" saiA Mr. 
Wardle. 

/'Aye, aod .Tiii^t'* added Mr. 
Tifilmsk. 

^Dearmt/* said thelust^^'I wa» 
der I haven't missed him befeae*. 
Why, I dent ihiak I've hfl«rd hia voice 
far two hours at least. Eauly, my 
dear, rmg the belL" 

The bell was rung, and the fat boy 
appeared. 

<<Where's Mias RadaeH'^ He 
couldn't say. 

<< Where's Mr. Jing^ytbni!" He 
didn't know. 

Everybody looked surprised.' It was 
late— past eleven o'clock. Mr. Tupmam 
laughed in his sleeve. Thiey were 
loitering some whare^ bilking abouA him. 
Ha, ha ! capital notion that — fiumy. 

« Never nund,'' said Wardle, after 
a short paase^ ^they'll turn up pre. 
sently, I dare say. I aofver wait supper 
for anybody." 

'^ Excellent rule, that," said Mr. 
Pickwick, <«admua,bi».» 

» Pray, sit down," said the lawt. 

* Certainly," said Me. Pidcwiak : 
and down they sat. 

There was a gigandc rovad of cold 
beef on the taMe, aod Mr. Pickwick 
was supplied with a plentiliil portion of 
it He nad raiaed has fodE ta hia Eps, 
aud was on the Y9ry point of opening 
hia mouth for the reception of a piece 
of beef^ when the hum of many voicea 
suddenly arose in the kitcben. He 
paused, and hud down his fork. Mr. 
Wardle paused too, and inaanfliMy 
released his hold of tiie carving-knife, 
which remained inserted in the beef. 
He looked at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. 
Pickwick looked at him. 



Heavy fa o te t iy o w«» heard m liie 
passage ; the parlour door was aadU 
denly burst oyen ; and the mam nbn 
had deaMd Mr. Piekwiek'a beeia on 
his first arrival^nMbed inia the reonv 
foUowed by Oe fat bojr» aad all the 
domeatiei> 

<< What the devil 'a the aaaaiv of 
tUaf" eseksned the boat 

«The kiteheB dumB^aiB't a-fise, 
is it, Enuna ? " inquired the eM lady. 

<<Lor gnuadmal No/' aaranaed 
both the young ladieft. 

<< What 'b the matter t" rearodthe 
master of the heuaa 

The BMB gasped lor famatl^ and 
faintiy ejaculated^— 

** They ha' gone, Mas'r t — goneiigbi 
clean off, sir ! " (At ihia joBctuxe, Mr. 
Tupman was observed to by dawn his 
knife and fork, and ta turn very pale.) 

«Who'sgone!" aaid Mr. Wavdla^ 
fiercely. 

<' Mus'r Jiii^ and MisaRadme]^ ia 
a pe'-ohay, firom Blue LkuiyMugi^eloB. 
I waa there ; but I eoulda't sto]^ 'em ; 
so I rum etf to teU'ee." 

^ I paid hiaexpeBaes ! " said Mr, Tup- 
mafl,jja&piasnpfi»aticaUy. ^^Helsi 
get ten poundia of miae Instep hiin i-~ 
he 's swindled me I— I w<mt bear itt— 
I '11 have justice, Piekwiek {—I won't 
stand it I " aad with sundry inoahoFent 
ekekumatimis el the like nature, the 
tmha(>py gentlemaa spua rMnd and 
rewid the apartnamti m atransyerief 
frenzy. 

^ Lord pr mo r w us I" ^acubted 
Mr. Pickwick,eyeing the extraordinary 
geatures of his frknd with tefrified 
surpiiae. * He 'a 9Bne mad ! What 
shall we dal" 

''Do!" said the BtOQfceU host, who 
regarded only the last worda ef the 
sentenee. ** Put the hone in the gig I 
I '11 get a chaiae at the lion^ and fol- 
low 'em instantly. Where — ^he ex- 
claimed, as the man ran out to execute 
the c mmission — ^"Where's that vil- 
lain, Joe f " 



THS PICKWICK cum. 



87 



<<He>e I aai ; bui I han't ftmllm/' 
replied » ¥<ac& It wm tfete ihit bof'». 

^ Lei nw get at kim^ Pickwiek ! " 
cried Wardle, as he rushed at tiie Sk- 
stened yovlib. ''H* was brihed by 
that scoundrel, Jinn^y to put ns on a 
wroBg seent^ by tdJiag: a coeio-afid-a- 
ball story of my sistar and yrar f t 'mmA 
TvpiDaii ! " (Her»Mr. TapnaniBaiik 
iBtoadnir.) '^ Let me get at him !" 

<< Don't let hn I" aeieamed aaithe 
WMQen, above liiiose exelamBl«»is,the 
Uubbermg fli the £st boy^waa di8tiiie% 
as^ble. 
^I tran't bv heU I" eiied the old 
B&D. " Mr* Winkfe, take yoi» haods 
off I Mr. Pkkwnsk^let me go^ sir ! '* 

It was a beantif^il siigbt, m Idunt 
moment of tumsiil aad confusion, to 
behold 1^ plaeidt aad pfaiiseopfakal 
ezpresnon of Mr.* PiehwiciL's face, 
aflfeit soaio w h a t flashed with exerlaon^ 
aa he stood witbhiaarmsiii'mly elMped 
ronnd the eateBsive waist oi their eofk- 
pttlent hoa^thnsreatraiiii&g thohnpetii- 
osity oi his pacEmoi^ wMIe: the fat boy 
was scMitehed^ and pniledy and pnsfaed 
from tho'room by all the females eon^ 
gvegated thesein. He had «o sooaer 
rdrased hia hohiythan the man entored 
to aiuMMiBce that the gig was ready. 

<<I>BA^t lethi»go>a£>net" soreaned 
thefemaka. <^ He 'U kill somebody ! " 

/«]'Ugowithhimy" anid Mr. PidL- 

« Yon 're a good l^ow, PidEwich," 
said the host, grasping: has hmsSL 
^ £mma, ginre Mr. Piefcwicfc a rinrwl 
to tie round bis necfc^^madu haste: 
Leek after yovr gianflhaother, girls ; 
she haa fainted away. Now theny ace 
yeoi ready 2 " 

Map, Pielcwiek's momHi and «hin, 
having been hastily enyefaiped in a 
large sharnrl : hia hat having been pnt 
on hia heady and h^ great eoat thaown 
over his aaSDy he replied in the affirm^ 
atvre. 

They jmnped iato the ^. ^ Gtre 
her, her ktsdy Tony" cri^ the host ; 
and away Htusy went, down tho narrow 
lanes : jolting in and out of Hie cart- 
rutS) and buniph^ up agn&st the 
hedges o/m eitdur aide,- as if &ey would 
go to pieces overy momcBt* 



«^iiow BMeh mn liny a^havd!'* 
ihouted Waidia^ aa Aey drcwe im ta 
the door of the Blue Lian^romidwoiih 
aMttia«rowdfaadceiiBetedyhitaa« it 



^ Not ato w a lliniiiKpiMlmi of tm 
hoar/* was cmybod/s le^tf . 

<«C!ikaiaa mi foor diswtlgrt-^oiit 
with'enft! PhAwl^gig^aftarwarcb." 

^^'NoWyboys t** eried tha lanAord 
— ^ chaise and foor out 'Mato hnsta 
-^ooh attve therv ! " 

Away ran the hostlerB^ and te' 
boys* Thar b an t i n as gl iau pa»ed, aa the 
wear noa to and fim* ; tha^hossesf hoofti 
ckftterMt OB the naewi ft^nttg. et the 
yavd ; Itaa ehaiae raoiblad aa it was 
dtawtt en* of the? eoaoif^HKiaa-; and aU 
was noise and busHoi. 

" Now then \-^m that dhkaise ooning 
eat to-mgltrt ** etied Wav«Ne. 

" Coming down the yard noi^ jrir^** 
replied the hosier. 

Out came the chaise — ^in went the- 
hor a e a on Sprang tha boys-^hi got 
tiietvaveHerSi 

'^Mind—tfaa ioireii-ttifo stage in. 
less than half an hout'l'' diootod 
Wardte. 

«<>flPwithya»!'» 

The boys appKedvrtiip aadspw^tha 
waiters Pooled, the hostlerB efaoered, 
and away tAiey went, fhst and toiooi^. 

"Pretty situation^" thought Mfr. 
Pi^wiek, whiai. he had had a mo^ 
meat's time for reflection; ** Pretty 
sitaatioH far the C^eral Chainnan of 
llie Pidewiek Chik Diusip ehaise— 
strange horses — fifteen mSes aa. hoar 
— and tweftv* o^dock at mf^t ! " 

For the fleat thveo or four miles^nnt 
a word was spokMK by either of the 
gentlenMn,. eadi being too macfa im- 
mersed in his own rsfteotions^ to« ad- 
dress any obsertations to hia eompa- 
naon. When they had goflo o<^r that 
much ground, however, and the horses 
getting thoroughly warmed began to 
do their work in reaUy good style, Mr. 
Pickwiek became too much eiddlarated 
with- tbe rapidity of tile motion, to re- 
vmn. any longer perfectly mate. 

"We're sure to cateh tfaem^ I 
thinky" said he. 

" Hope so," replied his oorapaimftL 

f2 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



«Fine nighV nid Mr. Pickwick, 
looking up at the moon^ which was 
fliiiiiiiig bnghtly. 

«So much the wone/' retomed 
Wardle ; ^ for they'll have had all the 
adyantage of the nuxmlight to get the 
stui of us, and we ehiul lose it. It 
njU faaye gome down in another hoar." 

^ It will he rather nnnleasant going 
at ihia rate m the dark, won't it 1 " 
inqmred Mr. Pickwick. 

«I dare say it will," replied his 
'friend drily. 

Mr. Pickwick's temporary excite- 
ment began to sober down a little, as 
he lefleeted npon the inconveniences 
and dangers (tf the expedition in which 
he had BO thoDghilessfy embarked. He 
waa roosed by a loud shouting of the 
post-boy on the leader. 

« Yo — ^yo— yo— yo— yoe," went the 
first boy. 

« Yo— yo— yo — yoe ! " went the 
second. 

« Yo— yo— yo— yoe, ! " diimed in 
old Wardle himself, most lustily, with 
his head and half his body out of the 
coach window. 

« Yo— yo— yo — ^yoe I " shouted Mr. 
Pickwick, taking up tiie burden of the 
ery, though he had not the slightest 
notion of its meaning or object. And 
amidst the yo— yoing of the whole four, 
the chaise stopped. 

« What's the matter!" inqmred 
Mr. Pickwick. 

<< There's a gate here," replied old 
Wardle. ** We shall hear something of 
the fugitives." 

After a lapse of five minutes, con- 
sumed in incessant knocking and 
shouting, an old man in his sliirt and 
trousers emerged from the tompike- 
house, and opened the gate. 

*^ How long is it since a post-chaise 
went through here!" inquired Mr. 
Wardle. 

« How long!" 

«Ah!" 

«Why, I don't rightly know. It 
wom't a long time ago, nor it wom't 
a short time ago — ^just between the 
two, perhaps." 

" Has any chaise been by at all ! " 

^ Oh yes, there's been a chay by." 



<<'How long ago, my friend," inter- 
posed Mr. Pickwick, ^ an hour ! " 

^ Ah, I dare say it might be," re- 
plied the man. 

** Or two hours !" inquired the post- 
boy on the wheeler. 

^Well, I shouldn't wonder if it 
was," returned the old man doubtfully. 

<' Drive on, boys," cried the testy 
old gentleman: <^ don't waste any 
more time with that old idiot ! " 

^ Idiot!" exclaimed the old man 
with a grin, as he stood in the middle 
of the road with the gate half closed, 
watching the chaise which rapidly ^- 
minished in the increasing oiBtanoe. 
^No — ^not much o' that either ; you've 
lost ten minutes here, and gone away 
as wise as you came arter all. If 
every man on the line as has a guinea 
give him earns it half as weU, you 
won't catch toother chay this side 
Mich'lmas, old short and fat" And 
with another prolonged grin, the old 
man closed the gate, re-entered his 
house, and bolted the door after him. 

Meanwhile the chaise proceeded, 
without any slackening of pace, to- 
wards the conclusion of the stage. 
The moon, as Wardle had foretold, 
was rapidly on the wane ; large tiers 
of dark heavy clouds which had been 
gradually overspreading the sky for 
some time past, now formed one black 
mass over head ; and large drops of 
rain which pattered every now and 
then against me windows of the chaise, 
seemed to warn the travellers of the 
rapid approach of a stormy night. 
The wind, too, which was directiy 
against them, swept in furious gusts 
down the narrow road, and howled 
dismally through the trees which 
skirted the pathway. Mr. Pickwick 
drew his coat closer about him, coiled 
himself more snugly up into tiie cor- 
ner of the chaise, and fell into a sound 
sleep, from whidh he was only awa- 
kened by the stopping of the vehicle, 
the sound of the hostler's bell, and a 
loud cry of ^ Horses on directly ! " 

But here another delay occurred. 
The boys were sleeping with such 
mysterious soundness, that it took five 
mmutes a-pieoe to wake them. The 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



96 



hostler had somehow or other mislaid 
the key of the stable, and even when 
Ihat was found, two sleepy helpers put 
the wrong harness on the wrong horses, 
and the whole process of hiumessing 
had to be gone through afiresh. Had 
Mr. Pickwick been alone, these multi- 
plied obstacles would have completely 
put an end to the pursuit at once, but 
old Wardle was not to be so easily 
daunted ; and he laid about him with 
such hearty good-will, cuffing this 
man, and pushing that ; strapping a 
buckle here, and taking in a link there, 
that the chaise was ready in a much 
shorter time than could reasonably 
have been expected, under so many 
difficulties. 

They resumed thdr journey; and 
certainly the prospect before them 
was by no means enconra^g. The 
stage'wBS fifteen miles long, the night 
was dark, the wind high, and the rain 
pouring in torrents. It was impossible 
to make any great way against such 
obstacles united: it was hard upon 
one o'clock already; and nearly two 
hours were consumed in getting to the 
end of the stage. Here, however, an 
object presented itself, which re- 
kindled their hopes, and re-animated 
their drooping spirits. 

''When did uiis chaise come in!" 
cried old Wardle, leaping out of his 
own yehicle, and pointing to one 
covered with wet mud, which was 
standing in the yard. 

" Not a quarter of an hour ago, mr ;" 
replied the hostler, to whom the ques- 
tion was addressed. 

'' Lady and gentleman ! " inquired 
Wardle, almost breathless . with im- 
patience. 

« Yes, sir." 

** Tall gentleman — dress coat — long 
legs — ^thin body 1 " 

"Yes, sir.*' 

** Elderly lady — thin face — rather 
skinny — ehl" 

« Yes, sir." 

" By Heavens, it's the couple, Pick- 
wick," exclaimed the old gentleman. 

"Would have been here before," 
said the hostler, "but they broke a 
tiace." 



"It is!" said Wardle, «it is, 
by Jove ! Chaise and four instantly ! 
We shall catch them yet, before they 
reach the next stage. A guinea a-pieoe, 
boys — ^be alive there — ^bustle about^ 
there 's good fellows." 

And with such admonitions as thesa, 
the old gentleman ran up and down 
the yard, and bustled to and &o, in a 
state of excitement which communi- 
cated itself to Mr. Pickwick also ; and 
under the influence of which, that 
gentleman got himself into compUcated 
entanglements with harness, and mixed 
up with horses and wheels c^ chaises, 
in the most surprising manner, firmly 
believing that by so doing, he was 
materially forwarding the preparations 
for thdr resuming their jomney. 

"Jump in — ^jump in l" cried old 
Wardle, climbing into the chaise, pull- 
ing up the steps, and slamming the 
door after him. " Come along! Make 
haste!" And before Mr. Pickwick 
knew precisely what he was about, he 
felt himself forced in at the other door, 
by one pull from the old gentieman, 
and one push from the hostier ; and 
off they were again. 

" An I we are moving now," said 
the old gentleman exultingly. They 
were indeed, as was suffidentiy testi- 
fied to Mr. Pickwick, by his constant 
collisions either with the hard wood- 
work of the chaise, or the body of his 
companion. 

" Hold up ! " said the stout old Mr. 
Wardle, as Mr. Pickwick dived head 
foremost into his capacious waistcoat 

" I never did feel such a jolting in 
my life," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" Never mind," replied his com- 
panion, " it'll soon be over. Steady, 
steady." 

Mr. Pickwick planted himself into 
his own comer, as firmly as he could ; 
and on whirled the chaise fiister .than 
ever. 

They had travelled in this way 
about three miles, when Mr. Wardle^ 
who had been looking out of the win- 
dow for two or three minutes, sud- 
denly drew in his face, covered with 
splashes, and exclaimed in breathleiB 
I eagerness — 



7» 



POSTUUMOtIB PA?EBB OF 



Hera th«7 are ! ** 



Mr. ndcvMk Unrast 1h8 head oat of 
fa» iruidow. Yes : tiaere wtm a a hoioo 
ajid loar> a dMKi dktMMe Mote tben, 
ilanliiiig akiag at fiiM gallop. 

<<Go on, go on," tkmdttt ahridEed 
tiie ^d g^f**""" <<Tqro gwaeae 
a^eoe, boya«»^4oa't let 'eoi gan e« 
iMK-keep it «p--kecB k qb." 

The iMnea IB the fint elMne rtacted 
OK *t their wtanet i^Med ; and Ifaeee 
is Mr. Wvrdle's galispad teiewlgr 



tfM 



«<I see 1h8 head,** 



«So do I/' aaid Mir. FUkmak, 

Mr. Ptcfcwiofc was net mieteken. 
HhB eoeatenaoee of Mr. Jingle, eom- 
pleftelf oertoA ivith the outi itromt 
lip by tiie vfaeeliy was plainly diaeew- 
mtd aA fbtt window of hiaehaiae ; and 
the motion of hk ann, which he was 
waviuff violentty towarda Hm posti- 
lions, denoted that he waa eneoiwigag 
them to increased exeition. 

The inteveet was iatensa. Fields, 
trees, and hedges, Beomed to roah -past 
them with the Teloeity of a whiilwind, 
sofftapid was the paee atwhidi they 
tore along. Tiie v weve 4ose hy Ate 
side of the ilrst daise. lingle's voiee 
ootdd be plaiid|y heard, e^psa above die 
din of the wheels, urg&ag on the b<^s. 
Old Mr. Wardle foamed with rage and 
eaBeitemenl He roared ent seoun- 
drels and viifauns by the dosen, 
clenched his fist and shook it expres- 
sively at the object of his indignation ; 
but Mr. Jingle only answered with a 
eontemptaons aoule, and rejdied to his 
meoaeee by a sbent of triumph, as his 
horses, answering the increased ap- 
plieatioD of whip and spur, broke 
into a faster gallop, and left tiie par- 
MMM behind. 

Mr. Pickwick had just drawn in 
Ms head, and Mr. Wardle, exhausted 
with shouting, had done the same, 
when a ttwinendoas jolt threw them 
forward against the front of the veln- 
sle. Tbere was a sudden bump — a 
lend crash — away rolled a ii^ieel, and 
oyer went the chaise. 



Albtr a iwry few sseonds of bewi^- 
dement aad cenAauon, in whidi no- 
thing bat 4he phmgkng of h er s ss , and 
bmanng of rfass, eould be made oat, 
Mr. Piofewick Mt hinvelf Tiaknay 
pallod <mA ivom Mung tho vaias of 
the •chaise ; and mb soon as he had 
flo i a ed his feet, eaBlnsated his head 
nmn the fikaxts -of his great eoatwhieh 
natwiafly impeded Ihe usoftdneessf 
hisspeetacles,thefidl diiMterof tiM 
ease met his view. 

Old Mr. Wardle vWiont a hat, and 
biseledws torn in several phies s , stood 
bv his side, and the fragMBts of the 
onaisa lay Bcattsvedst their feet The 
p as t ho j f s, nho had sneoeoded in cat- 
ting the traces, were standing, diiift-> 
gwed walh mud and disordered by 
hiffd Tidmg, by the hevaes* heads. 
About AhoMaed yards in advwies was 
the other chMse, which had pidlldn|» 
OB/heanng tho-eraeh. The postihoBS, 
eadi wiifc a broad ginm esmndwug his 
ooaBteawMo, ware i fawiu g the adfrarso 
party Aom their saddUa, and Mr. 
Jingle was eoartemphiting the wreck 
from the «oaoh.wiBdow, wilh evident 
satisfiMtion. The day was just break.: 
ing, and the nfhoie scene was rendered 
pmwtly visiMe by tibe grey light of 
the morning. 

«<Haila!" shouted the diamelees 
Jingle, ^ anybody daanged )-— elderly 
gentlemen-— ne light wei^ts—- danger- 
ous work — ^very.'* 

'' You're arascal 1 ** reared War^. 

«HaI ha!" replied JHi|le ; and 
Aen he added, ^dth a Imowmg wink, 
and a jerk of the thumb tew M d s the 
interiiM* of the diais»-^^ I say— she 's 
very well — idesires her e eaap l iments — 
begs you won't trouble yourself — iovo 
to Ihippy — ^won't you get up behind t — 
drive on boys." 

The postUioDS resumed their proper 
attitudes, and away rattled the duise, 
Mr. Jingle fluttering in derisien a 
white him^erchief from iiie ceaeh- 
window. 

Nothing in the fi^nle adventure, not 
even the upset, had dfetofbed the calm 
aad ecioable current of Mr. Pickwick's 
temper. The viUany however, which 
could first borrow money of his faKhful 



XfiE PiCKWIGK CLUa 



n 



foUoweiv^^diheii idt>Inieyiate kis naae 
to ** Tuppy," was laore than he oould 
patiently hear. He drew his breath 
hard, and ccdoured up to the very tips 
of lus spectacles^ 318 m said» slowly And 
emphatically — 

«If ever I meet Ibat xnan ittam^ 

^Te% yes,^' intempted Wardle, 
"^ihafs aS very well : but viiiile we 
iSiand taUdng here, they'll get their 
JHcence, and be JDanied in London." 

Mr. PiekwieL paused, bottled np his 
^nBiig»knoep 9aA corked it down. 

"^How &r is it to the next stage ! '' 
inqoired Mr. Wardle, of one (» the 
lioys.. 

« Six nule^ a'nt i^ Tom ! '^ 



^'Raytber better." 

^ lUyther better nor six sufe, sir." 

<<Caa't be helped," said W«rdk^ 
'^ we must walk it, Pickwick. 

*^ No help for it," J^pliad Ouit truly 
grealman. 

So sending Horward one of iSb^ boys 
«a horseback, to procure « fresh ohoise 
and horsefly and leaving the other 
behind to take eare oi the broken one, 
Mr. Pickwick and Mr« Wardle set 
manfully forward on the walk, first 
tyii^ their shawls ronnd their necks, 
juDd slouching down their hats to escape 
as much as possible from, the dduge of 
raiuy which -after a sli^t oeaaatioo, 
had agaan begun to pomr h&ai^y down. 



CHAPTER X. 

97 UI4 IMKBSS (if ANY BXIffOSD) OV IKS 



insunsBBPTBDiaas ot 



Tbiske are in. London sevend old 
inns, once the head quarters of cele- 
brated coaches in ,tiie days when 
coaches performed Iheir journeys in a 
graver and mere solemn manner tiian 
they do in these times ; but whidi 
liave now degenerated into little more 
than the abiding and booking places of 
country wagons. The reader would 
look in vain for any of these ancient 
faostehies, among liie Golden Crosses 
and BuB and Mouths, which rear their 
stately fronts in the improved streets 
of London.. If he would light upon any 
of these old places, he must direct \a& 
^ps to the obscurer quarters of the 
town ; and there in isome set^ded 
nooks he will£nd several, still standing 
wilh a kind of gloomy stnrdiness, 
jkmidst the modem innovations whidi 
surround them. 

In the Borough espedalty, there sSR 
remain some half dozen olA inns, 
which have preserved their external 
features imcfaanged, and wfiich have 
escaped alike the rage for public im- 
provement, and the encroadmients of 
firiicate speculation, tarreat, rambling 



qaeer^ old places they are, with gal- 
leri^, and passages, and stair-eases, 
wide enotlgh and antiquated enoi%h, to 
furnish materitUs for a hundred ghost 
stories, supposing we should ever be 
reduced to the lamentable necessity of 
inventing any, and that &e world 
shoidd exist long enough to exhaust the 
innumerable veracious legfflids con- 
nected with old London Bridge, and 
its adjacent neighbourhood on the 
Surrey side. 

It was in the yard of one of tiiese 
inns — of no less celebrated a one than 
■the White Haxt^^that a man was busoly 
employed in brushing the dirt off a pair 
of boots^ early on the morning succeed- 
ing the events narrated in the last 
chapter. He was habited in a coarse- 
striped waistcoat, with black ealido 
sleeves, and blue glass buttons : drab 
breedies and leggings. A bright red 
handkerchief was wound in a v^ry 
loose and unstudied 8tyl6 round his 
neck, and an old white hat was cafe^ 
lessly thrown on one side of his head. 
There were two rows of boots befor6 
him, one cleaned and the other dirty, 



72 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



and ftt everv addition he made to the 
clean row, he paused from his work, 
and contemplated its resolts with evi- 
dent satisfaction. 

The yard presented none of tiiat 
bustle and activity which are the usual 
characteristicB of a large coach inn. 
Three or four lumbering wagons, each 
with a pile of goods beneath its ample 
canopy, about ue height of the second- 
floor window of an ordinary house, 
were stowed away beneath a lofty roof 
which extended over one end of the 
yard; and another, which was probably 
to commence its journey that morning, 
was drawn out into the open space. A 
double tier of bed-room galleries, with 
old clumsy balustrades, ran round two 
sides of the straggling area, and a 
double row of bells to correiE^ond, shel- 
tered from the weather by a little slop- 
ing roof, hung over the door leading to 
the bar and coffee-room. Two or 
three gigs and chaise-carts were 
wheeled up under different little sheds 
and pent-nouses; and the occasional 
heavy tread of a cartrhorse, or rattling 
of a chain at the further end of the 
yard, announced to anybody who cared 
about the matter, that the stable lay in 
that direction. When we add that a 
few boys in smock frocks, were lying 
asleep on heavy packages, woolpacks, 
and other articles that were scattered 
about on heaps of straw, we have 
described as fully as need be, the 
general appearance of the yard of the 
White Hart Inn, High Street, Borough, 
on the particular morning in question. 

A loud ringing of one of the bells, 
was followed by the appearance of a 
smart chambermaid in the upper sleep- 
ing gaUery, who, after tappmg at one 
of the doors, and receiving a request 
from within, called over the balus- 
trades. 

«SamI»» 

" Hallo," replied the man with the 
white hat. 

<< Number twenty-two wants his 
boots." 

** Ask number twenty-two, wether 
he'll have 'em now, or wait till he gets 
*em," was the reply. 

^ Come, don't be a fool, Sam," said 



the girl,, coaxingly, ^the gentiemaa 
wants his boots directly." 

*' Well, you are a nice young 'ooman 
for a musical party, you are," said the 
boot-cleaner. ''Look at these here 
boots — eleven pair o' boots ; and one 
shoe as blongs to number six, with 
the wooden leg. The eleven boots is 
to be called at half-past eight and the 
shoe at nine. Who 's number twenty- 
two, that's to put all the others out t 
No, no ; reg'lar rotation, as Jack 
Ketch said, wen he tied the men up. 
Sorry to keep you a wavtn', sir, but I 'H 
attend to you directly." 

Saying which, the man in the white 
hat set to work upon a top-boot with 
increased assiduity. 

There was another loud ring ; and 
the bustling old landlady of the White 
Hart made her appearance in the op- 
posite gallery. 

" Sam," cried the landlady, '^ where's 
that lazy, idle — why Sam — oh, there 
you are ; why don't you answer ! " 

''Wouldn't be gen-teel to answer, 
'till you'd done talking," replied Sam^ 
gruffly. 

" Here, clean them shoes for numi- 
her seventeen directly, and take 'em 
to private sitting-room, number five, 
first floor." 

The landlady flung a pair of lady^fr 
shoes into the yud, and bustled 
away. 

" Number 5," sud Sam, as he picked 
up the shoes, and taking a piece of 
chalk from his pocket, made a memo- 
randum of their destination on the 

sit- 
suppose $m dian't come 
in the waggin." 

" She came in early this morning'/' 
cried the girl, who was still leanmg 
over the nuling of the gallery, " with a 
gentleman in a hackney coach, and it's 
him as wants his boots, and you'd bet- 
ter do 'em that's all about it." 

" Vy didn't you say so before," said 
Sam, with great indignation, singling 
out the boots in question from the 
heap before him. " For all I know'd 
he vas one o* the regular three-peuf 
nies. Private room ! and a lady too t 
If he's anything of a gen'lm'n, he 'K 



soles — ^" Lady's shoes and private sil 
tin' room! I suppose $he didn't com 



THE PICKWICK CLUa 



73 



(Vorth a ahilKn' a day, let alone the 
arrands." 

Stimulated by this inspiring reflec- 
tion, Mr. Samuel brushed away with 
sach hearty good will, that in a few 
minutes the boots and shoes, with a 
polish which would have struck envy 
to the soul of the amiable Mr. Warren, 
(for they used Day and Martin at the 
White Hart) had arrived at the door 
oi number five. 

^ Come in," said a man's Toice, in 
reply to Sam's rap at the door. 

Sam made his best bow, and stepped 
into the presence of a lady and gen- 
tieman seated at breakfast. Having 
officiously deposited the gentleman's 
boots right and left at his feet, and the 
lady's shoes right and left at hers^ he 
backed towards the door. 

** Boots," said the gentleman. 

^Sir," said Sam, closing the door, 
and keeping his hand on the knob of 
the lock. 

''Do you know — what's a-name — 
Doctors' Conunons ! " 

« Yes sir." 

«Whereisit!" 

** Paul's Church-yard, sir ; low arch- 
way on the carrif^e-side, bookseller's 
at one comer, hot-el on Ihe other, and 
two porters in the middle as touts for 
licences." 

*' Touts for licences ! " said the gen- 
tleman. 

^ Touts for licences," replied Sam. 
** Two coves in vhite aprons — ^touches 
• their hats wen you walk in — ' licence, 
sir, licence ? ' Queer sort, them, and 
their mas^rs too, sir— Old Baily Proc- 
tors — ^and no mistake." 

** What do they do ! " inquired the 
gentieman. 

<<Do! rem, sir! That an't the wost 
on it, neither. They puts things into 
old gen'lm'n's heads as they never 
dreamed of. My father, sir, wos a 
coachman. A widower he wos, and &t 
enough for anything — ^uncommon fat, 
to be sure. His missus dies, and leaves 
him four hundred pound. Down he 
goes to the Commons, to see the law- 
yer and draw the blunt — wery smart 
— ^top boots on — nosegay in his button- 
hole — broad-brimmed tile — green 



shawl — quite the gen'lm'n. Groes 
through the archvay, thinking how he 
should inwest the money — up comes 
the touter, touches his hat — ' Licence, 
sir, lictocer— 'What's that I' says 
my father. — * Licence, sir,* says he. — 
' What licence ! ' says my &ther. — 
' Marriage licence,' says the touter. — 
' Dash my veskit,' says my father, ' I 
never thought o' that' — ' I think you 
wants one, sir,' says the touter. My 
&ther pulls up, and thinks a bit— 'No,' 
says he, ' damme, I *m too old, b'sides 
I 'm a many sizes too large,' says he. 
— ' Not a bit on it, sir,' says tiie touter. 
— * Think not ? * says my father. — 
' I 'm sure not,' says he ; we married * 
gen'Wn twice your size, last Monday.' 
— 'Did you, though,' said my father. — 
' To be sure, we did,' says the touter^ 
' you're a babby to him — ^tiiis way, sir 
— ^this way ! ' — and sure enough my 
father walks arter him, like a tame 
monkey behind a horgan, into a little 
back office, vere a feller sat among 
dirty papers and tin bosses, making 
believe he was busy. 'Pray take a 
seat, vile I makes out the affidavit, sir,' 
says the lawyer. — ' Thankee, sir,' says 
my father, and down he sat, and stared 
with all his eyes, and his moutii vide open, 
at the names on the boxes. — * What 'Is 
your name, sir,' says the lawyer. — 
* Tony Weller,* says my fatider. — 
'Parish I' says the lawyer. — ^^ Belle 
Savage,' says my father ; for he 
stopped there wen he drove up, and he 
knoVd nothing about parities, he 
didn't. — * And what's the lady's name f 
says the lawyer. My father was struck 
all of a heap. ' Blessed if I know,' 
says he. — ' Not know ! ' says the law- 
yer. — ' No more nor you do,' says my 
father, ' can't I put that in arterwards t ' 
— * Impossible ! ' says the lawyer. — 
''Wery well,' says my father, after 
he'd thought a moment, ^put down 
Mrs. Clarke.'—' What Chirke i ' says 
the lawyer, dipping his pen in the ink. 
— ^ Susan Clarke, Markis o' Granby, 
Dorking,' says my father ; • ' she 'U 
have me, if I ask, I des-say — ^I never 
said nothing to her, but she '11 have me» 
I know.' The licence was made oul^ 
and she d4d have him, and what'^ 



7» 



POSTHUIfOaS FAeHBS OF 



more Bbe^ got Mm sow ; «id/ 
had any of tiw ionr famibed ponad 
Inok. Beg ytur facdon, »c,' 
Sun, iviieB hs luui 
« but 'VMB I gete on 4faSs 
aoee, I nms oiLiika m new Umitot friAi 
1^ wheel gieMod/* HMnng Mid 
wUefa^aDd himug pnsed isr «■ in- 
«taat to aee wbeuer 1m 
fiir anything wore, Sa» left 
vaom. 

^Hatf-peat niiie— jnai 
«ff at aace;" said 
when we ased hmtHj 
lfr.JiB^ 

* Time— for what!" nid the Sfm- 

deareat of ang flb gi i m 
at die cha r eh ■■<aU jnoa mme, 
»~«ud Bfr. Jji^, «id he 
aq veaaed Hie apoBtor amit^ hand. 

^'The Ueenee!" aaid Baahael, 
UnahiDg. 
" The licence/' lapeated Me. Jn- 




" In hurry, port-hMte for a liccaee, 
Jn bnxry, diair 4o&g I coma bade*' 

^ How joa nm on," aaid RaciiaeL 

<<Ebb oa*-«othing to tbe iMam, 
idagra, wedca, moBtha, yeaos, when 
we've united — rum on — they'll % 
«n — halt — miaile — atPMn flngino 
jhenmnd-heage pewer— <iothtng to -H." 

^C^'t — oin't we be manned be- 
4are te-monrew maniing 3 " in^akwd 
RachaeL 

^' Im poooib le — ean 't be — noffioe at 
<he ehureh — leave the lieenoe to^y 

teaijinany eome aff te-meirow." 

^ I am 80 tefTified, lest my brothor 
albBiiild djaeover na ! " aaid Rachaal. 

^'Diaoover — noBflenae — too mndi 
ahaJcen by the bx«ak down — beaidea — 
«xtrBBae caation— ga^re up the peat- 
•cfaaiae— walked on — took a haelmey- 
«aaeh — eame to the Barongh — laat 
place in the world tfmt he 'd look in — 
hA ! ha ! — capital notion that—very." 

*' Don't be long," aaod the apineter, 
affiMtienately, aa Mr. Jingle ateok the 
yittohed up hat on hia heiSl 

^LoBg away from youl — Omel 
diaraier," aad Mr. Jingle skipped 
^hiyftiUy «p to tbe qpmater aunt, jm- 



aa 



printed A chaste Um vpan her fipa, 
and danced out of the room. 

«X>e«rfaMi!" aaidths 
tiM- dear dosed after fahn. 

^Bm M 0Hi^"aaid Mr. 
as he walked down Ae paasagpa. 

It is paiafal ie Mtteet upon the per- 
fidy af our flpaoiaa ; and w« will not 
tbarafere^ panne dw thnad of Mr. 
Jiagie'a mrikitMnn, mi^ ha w<aided hia 
way to Doctors' ComaaansL It will 
be safliaiflfil ittr anr purpaae to nelatey 
that nncaping the anarea of die dva- 
gona in white apnoBa, who ^land the 
wh'innfi to thatenehantadr^giaayhe 
MMhed the Viaar Gennal'a <Ase m 
aaSsty^and hating p r aeane d a ^^Afy 
iattsriug addvras en pacdhnenty worn 
the Awhbiwhap of CSanterirary, to his 
<< trusty and weU-baloved Aifred Jing^ 
and Rafhaal WmvUc, graetmg," he 
«BC«fully dapaated the mystic decu- 
ment in his pockety and veiraoed hia 
steps in triumph to the Borough. 

ue was yet en hia way to tlw White 
Hart, when two piunp gentleaMn and 



one thin one, entered the yard, and 
looked round in search of some autho- 
need person of whom they couldmake 
4h Hbw inqairiea. Mr. Samuel Wellar 
happened te be at that moment en- 
gaged in bamishing a pair of painted 
tops, the personal property of a iumVy 
who was refeeahii^ himidf with a 
slight lunch of two or three ponnda ^f 
coM beef and a pot or two of porter, 
after liie fstigaes of the Borough mar- 
ket ; and to him the thin 
atraightway advanced — 

^ My £nend." said tto tUa cenila- 
man. , 

^ Yen 're one o' the adwiee gratis 
order," thought Sam, " or yon womdn 't 
be so weery fond o' me aU at onee.^' 
Bui he only said— « WeU air." 

«My friend," said the thin gentla- 
man, with a oonefliatory hem — ^^ Have 
you got many people stoppiag 
BOW I Pretty busy. £h 1 " 

Sam atole a look at the inquirer. 
He waa a little high-dried man, with % 
daric aqueeaed up face, and maU rest- 
less black eyes, that Icept winking and 
twinkliag on each aide of his lUUe 
inquisitive nosc^aa if tl^y were ph^ 



TRB PacnEWiCC CLUB. 



75 



mgaperpefaial game «f f>eep4)««M 
that featuiw. He warn dpeawd tM. m 
black, with hooto ae «hii^ as lus e^, 
a l««r white oaekcle^fa, and a «lean 
alMrt wilh a firiU to it. A gold wateh- 
chain, and seals, 4epeQded from his 
Mi, 2ie earned his Uaek Ud ^eves 
m his hands, net e9»-&cm ; andas he 
speke, throet his wiists heneai^ his 
eeat^afts, with the av «f a matt whe 
was in the habit of mrraoimdhMr some 
ngidarpos«». "^^ ^ 

^^PnMjrbusy, eht" aud the Ettie 
man. 

^ Oh, -wmry wdl, so^*' rs^ed Sam, 
'^we «han't fte haoki^npts, and we 
ahaa't laake ovr forCftas. We eats 
our biled mutton without capers, and 
doB^ eavefor-horse-nidiah wea 've can 
get beef." 

« Ah,*' said the Htfle num, « jnm^re 
a wag, a'at yoaf* 

« My eldest brodier was twabled 
wiih &ttfc oeBplayat,** «aid Sm, «it 
Bay be 'catdUng — ^I used to sleep with 
him," 

^fbifl is a «iinoii8 4ild house of 
fOBBPB," said &fi little man, looking 
xoand faiBi. 

' If jetPd sent -iwnd yon was a 
coming, wei*d ha' had it repaired/' ve- 
|iiied the laspertviliillUe Sam. 

The little man seeaaed ladier baffled 
by these «evenl vepafees, and a short 
cfonsidtnlioB took piaee between him 
and the two plump gentlemeo. At its 
eonclusien, the life^ man took a pinch 
ef tsanfffnm an iM&mg silver box, and 
was appasently en the point of renew- 
ing Hie ooBvevsation, when one of the 
^nmp gentlemen, who in additien te a 
benevolent countenance, possessed a 
pair of s^ecftaeles, and a pair of black 
gaiters, intevfered — 

^ Tius fact of tihffi matter is,'' said 
the beoerolent geotl^nan, *' that my 
friend here (pointing to ihe other 
phimp gentleman,) will give you half 
a ^iaea, if you'll answer )ene or 
two—** 

" Now, my dear sir — my dear sir," 
said the little man, ^pray allow me — 
ray dear air, the very first principle to 
beebsttrved in tiiese cases, is this; if 
yeu plaee a matter in the hands of a 



L, yo« BMst in so way 
interfere in the progress of the busi- 
ness ; yen must repose iia^oit confi- 
dence in him. Really, Mr. (hetmned 
to the other pfaaaip genthmian, and 
said) — I £ocget your friend's aaone." 

•<< F&eicwiiek," Mid Mr. Wardte, for 
it was no other than that joli^ pev* 



'< Ah, Piekwii^— iteaBy Mr. Rdc- 
, my dear sir, ekcnse rae — I dudl 
be happy te reeeive aay private sug- 
gestions of youn, as mmieut muruB^ hat 
you must see the impeofriety of your 
interferaig with my coadnct in tills 
ease, with sneh an a(^ «apta«ui^t«>i argo- 
aoent, as the ofer <of half a guinea. 
Beaily, my dear sir, really,** ud tiia 
Uttie mm tookan argmaentative pinch 
of anally and looked Tery profoimd. 

<' My only wkh, av," said Mx. Piek- 
wiefc, ^was to bring tluB rery on. 
pkasant matter to as speedy aldose ai 
possible.'' 

« Qioito right-.-qute right," said Ihe 
little man. 

1^ WbOi which view," vontiiiaed Mr. 
Pickwick, ^ I made use of the argu^ 
ment whidi my escperienoe of men has 
tsngbt me is the meat Ukefy to sao- 
oeed in aay caae." 

« Ay, ay," sud theUttie man, ^vexy 
good, very good, indeed ; but yoa 
shoald have soggestsd it tome. My 
dear sir, I'm quite certain you caainot 
be ignorant of the extent of oonfidenoe 
whioh mnst be placed in professional 
men. If any authority can be neces*> 
sary on soeh a point, my dear nr, let 
me refer yoa to the well-known case 
in Barnwell and — " 

<* Never mind George Barnwell," in- 
terrupted Sam,- who had remamed a 
wondmng list^ier durii^ this short 
collo^iay; ''evexy body knows vhst 
sort of a oaae his was, tho' it^s always 
been my opinion, mind yon, that me 
young 'ooman deserved scragging a 
precious sight more than he did. 
Hows'ever, that's neitiier here nor 
there. Yoa want me to exoept of half 
a guinea. Worry well, I'm agreeable t 
X ean*t say no &irer than- that, can I, 
sir ; (Mr. Pickwick smiled.) Then 
the next question is, what the devil da 



76 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



vou want with me, as the man said, wen 
ne see the ghost t " 

** We want to know — "said Mr. 
Wardle. 

** Now my dear sir — my dear sir," 
interposed the busy little man. 

Mr. Wardle shrugged his shoulders, 
and was silent. 

** We want to know," said the little 
man, solemnly ; '' and we ask the 
question of you, in order that we may 
not awaken apprehensions *inside — ^we 
want to know who you've got in this 
house, at present." 

^ Who there is in the house I " said 
Sam, in whose mind the inmates were 
always represented by that particular 
article of their costume, which came 
under his immediate superintendence. 
** There 's a wooden leg in number 
six ; there 's a pair of Hessians in 
thirteen ; there *s two pair of halves in 
the commercial ; there 's these here 
painted tops in the snuggery inside the 
bar ; and five more tops in the coffee- 
room." 

<< Nothing more!" said the little 
man. 

^ Stop a bit," replied Sam, suddenly 
recollecting himself. '< Yes ; there 's a 
pair of Wellingtons a good deal worn, 
and a pair o' lady's shoes, in number 
five." 

« What sort of shoes ! " hastily in- 
quired Wardle, who, together with 
Mr. Pickwick, had been lost in be- 
wilderment at the singular catalogue 
of visiters. 

« Country make," replied Sam. 

^ Any maker's name 1 " 

"Brown." 

"Whereof!" 
"» « Muggleton." 

*' It 18 them," exclaimed Wardle. 
** By Heavens, we've found them." 

« Hush!" said Sam. "The Welling- 
tons has gone to Doctors' Commons." 

" No," said the little man. 

** Yes, for a licence." 

** We're in time," exclaimed Wardle. 
'' Show us the room ; not a moment is 
to be lost." 

" Pray, my dear sir — pray," said 
the little num ; " caution, caution." 
He drew from his pocket a red silk 



purse, and looked very hard at Sam 
as he drew out a sovereign. 

Sam grinned expressively. 

" Show us into the room at once, 
without announcing us," said the little 
man, " and it 's yours." 

Sam threw the painted tops into a 
comer, and led the way through a dark 
passage, and up a wide staircase. He 
paused at the end of a second passage, 
and held out his hand. 

" Here it is," whispered the attorney, 
as he deposited the money in the hand 
of their guide. 

The man stepped forward for a few 
paces, followed by the two friends and 
their legal adviser* He stopped at a 
door. 

" Is this the room ! " murmured the 
little gentleman. 

Sam nodded assent 

Old Wardle opened the door ; and 
the whole three walked into the room 
just . as Mr. Jingle, who had that 
moment returned, had produced the 
licence to the spinster aunt 

The spinster uttered a loud shriek, 
and, throwing herself in a chair, 
covered her face with her hands. Mr. 
Jingle crumpled up the licence, and 
thrust it into his coat-pocket The 
unwelcome visiters advanced into the 
middle of the room. 

" You — ^you are a nice rascal, ar'n't 
you ! " exclaimed Wardle, breathless 
with passion. 

" My dear sir, my dear sir," said 
the little man, laying his hat on the 
table. "Pray, consider — ^pray. Defa- 
mation of character : action for da- 
damages. Cahn yourself, my dear 
sir, pray — ** 

" How dare you drag my sister 
from my house 1 " said the old man. 

"Ay — ay — very good," said the 
little gentleman, " you may ask that 
How dare you, sir ? — eh, sir ! " 

" Who the devil are you ! " inquired 
Mr. Jingle, in so fierce a tone, that 
the little gentleman involuntarily fell 
back a step or two. 

" Who IS he, you scoundrel,'' inter- 
posed Wardle. "He's my lawyer, 
Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, 
I'll have this fellow prosecuted— in 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



77 



dieted — ra — 111 — rU ruin him. 
And you," continued Mr. Wardle 
turning abruptly round to his aster, 
<* you Rachael, at a time of life when 
you ought to know hetter, what do you 
mean by running away with a vaga- 
bond, disgracing your family, and 
¥wa.lring yourself miserable. Get on 
your bonnet, and come back. Call a 
hackney-ooach there, directly, and 
bring this lady's bill, d'ye hear— d'ye 
bear!" 

" Cert'nly, sir," replied Sam, who 
had answered Wardle's violent ring- 
ing of the bell with a degree of celerity, 
w&ch must have appeared marvellous 
to any body who ^dn't know that his 
eye had been applied to the outside 
ol the key-hole during the whole 
interview. 

<< Get on your bonnet," repeated 
Wardle. 

<<Do nothing of the kind," said 
Jingle. ** Leave the room, sir — ^no 
business here — lady's free to act as she 
pleases— more than one-and-twenty." 
<* More than one-and-twenty ! " 
ejaculated Wardle, contemptuously. 
" More than one-and-forty ! " 

** I a'nt," said the spinster aunt, 
her indignation getting the better of 
her determination to faint. 

** You are," replied Wardle, " you're 
fifty if you're an hour." 

Here the spinster aunt uttered a 
loud shriek, and became senseless. 

^ A glass of water," said the humane 
Mr. Pickwick, summoning the land- 
lady. 

<< A glau of water ! " said the pas- 
sionate Wardle. << Bring a bucket, 
and throw it all over her ; it'll do \issr 
good, and she richly deserves it." 

^ Ugh, you brute ! " ejaculated the 
kind-hearted landlady. *< Poor dear." 
And with sundry ejaculations, of 
" Come now, there 's a dear — drink a 
little of this — ^it'U do you good — don't 
give way so — there's a love," &c. &c. 
the landlady, assisted by a chamber- 
maid, proceeded to vinegar the fore- 
head, beat the hands, titilhhte the nose, 
and unlace the stays of the spinster 
aunt, and to administer such other 
restoratives as are usually applied by 



compassionate females to ladies who 
are endeavouring to ferment them- 
selves into hysterics. 

** Coach is ready, sir," said Sam, 
appearing at the door. 

" Come along," cried Wardle. « I'H 
carry her*down stairs." 

At this preposition, the hysterics 
came on widi redoubled violence. 

The landlady was about to enter a 
very violent protest agiunst this pro- 
ceeding, and had already given vent 
to an indignant inquiry whether Mr. 
Wardle coneddered himself a lord of 
the creation, when Mr. Jingle inter- 
posed — 

<< Boots," said he, ''get me an 
oflBcer." 

" Stay, stay," said little Mr. Perker. 
« Consider, sir, consider." 

** m not conader," replied Jingle, 
''she's her own mistress — see who 
dares to take her away — ^unless she 
wishes it." 

" I won*t be taken nway," mur- 
mured the spinster aunt ''I donH 
wish it." (Here there was a frightful 
relapse.) 

'' My dear sir," said the little man, 
in a low tone, taking Mr. Wardle and 
Mr. Pickwick apart: "My dear dr, 
we're in a very awkward situation. 
It's a distressing case — very ; I never 
knew one more so; but really, my 
dear sir, really we have no power to 
control this lady's actions. I warned 
you before we came, my dear sir, that 
there was nothing to look to but a 
compremise." 

There was a short pause. 

" What kind of compromise would 
you recommend % " inquired Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

** Why, my dear sir, our friend's in 
an unpleasant position — ^verymuch so. 
We must be content to suffer some 
pecuniary loss." 

^ I'll suffer any, rather than submit 
to this disgrace, and let her, fool as 
she is, be made miserable for life," 
said Wardle. 

''I rather think it can be done," 
said the bustling little man. ^ Mr. 
Jingle, will you step with us into the 
next room for a moment 1 " 



78 



POSTHUMOHIS PAPEBB OF 



Mr. Jingle aMeated, and tiiA igmt- 
tette wtiXkoi into aa empty i^asi- 
ment. 

« Now nr," aaid the little mfln, as 
he carefally closed the deor, ^ is there 
no way ai aMenimodatiag thie natter 
— step this way si*, for ». moaieat — 
into this window^ sir, where we cao be 
alone— iheve, sir, there, pny sii down, 
sir. Now, my dear sir, between you 
and I, we know ▼siy well, my dear 
sir, thai yon have tun off with this 
lady for the sake of her money. Don*t 
firown, sir, don't frown; I say, between 
yon and I, iOb know it. We are both 
men of the world, and we know vesy wril 
that enr friends here, are noi—efa ?" 

Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; 
and something distantly resembling a 
wink, quiver^ lor an instant in his 
left eye. 

'^Very good, rwy good," said tiie 
little man, obserring the unpreanon he 
had made. " Now the fact is, Ibat 
beyond a few hundreds, the lady has 
little or nothing tiU the death of her 
mothttp-— fine old ladjr, my dear sir.'^ 

*' Oldy* said Mr. Jingle, briefly but 
em^atieailly. 

^ Why, yes^'* said the attorney with 
a sUgfat cough. ^ You aore right, my 
dear sir,she is retker M. Slw comes 
of an olid SMuily tiiong^ my dear sir ; 
old in every sense of the word. The 
founder of that famil^caaae into Kent, 
when Julius CsBSar inra^ded Britain ; 
r—only one member of it, since, who 
hasn't lived to eighty-five, and he was 
beheaded by one of the Henrys. The 
old lady is not seventy-three- now, my 
dear sir.'^ The little msa paused, and 
tock a pinch of snuff. 

« Well," cried Mr. Jingle. 

** Well, my dear sir -^ yon don't 
take snnff Ir-^ I so mudi the bettor 
— expensive habit — ^well, my dear sir, 
you 're a fine young man, man ef the 
world — able to pndi your fortODe, if 
you had capital, eh t " 

^ Well," smd Mr. Jingle again. 

<< Do you comprehend me t " 

« Not quite." 

<^ Don't you think — ^new, my dear- 
sir, I put it to you, don't you think 
— that fifty povnds and liberty,, would 



hatfemosghl 



99 



$9 



be better than Miss WarOe and oXp 
'pectatienl" 

<< Won't do--M 
Mr. Jiggle rising. 

^Nay, nay, my dear sir," lemon* 
strated the Iktla atttoraey, seizing hiaa 
by the button. ** €roed revnd sum — 
a man like yon oenld tinhi e it in no 
tim»-*greai deai to be donewitfa fifty 
poraids^ my dear sir.** 

^Mm to be done withnhnndtwi 
and fifty," replied Mr. Jingle, cooUy. 

^ Well, my dear sSr^ we woo^t waste 
timr in sphttiug straws," ranoned the 
little man, <»sa y sa y s ev enty.'^ 

« Won't ds;," Mid Mr. Jm^ 

* Don't go away, my dear sir->pi»y 
don't hurry," smd the littin man. 
^Eighty; cenm; 111 write you m 
cheque at once." 

«< Won't do,;' said Mr. Jingle. 

« Well, my dear sfar, weU," said the 
little man, still detaining Um ; ^ just 
tell me what will do." 

<« Expensive aiffair," said Mr. Jin^^. 
^< Money out ef pechet^-poetuig, nine 
pounds; liceaee, three— tiiat's twelve 
— eompeosation, & hundred — hnndred 
and twelve — Breach of benour — and 
loss ef the hidy— '*' 

<<Yes^ my dear sir, yesy" said ^e 
little man, with a knowing look, ** never 
mind the hat two items. That's a 
hundred and twd!V»-HMy nhmidredr^ 
eome." 

« And twenty," said Mr» Jingle. 

^Come, come, I'U write you a 
cheque," said tiie little man ; and down 
he sat at the table for that purpose. 

**ril make it payable the day after 
to4Mnrow," said the littfo man, with » 
look towards Mr. Wardle; ^aad wo 
can get tiie lady away^ meanwhile.'* 
Mr. Wardiw sullenly nodded assent. 

« A hundred," ssid the fittle man. 

" And twenty," said Mr. Jmgle. 

<< My dear snr," remonstrated the 
little man. 

« Qtte it hmn" mterposed Mr. 
Wardle, « and let him go." 

The dieqim was written by the litde 
gentleman, and pocketed by Bir. 
Jingle. 

** Now, leave this house instantly ! " 
said Wardle^ starting up. 



THS PICKWICK OLOlk 



79 



« My 4Hir anv*' utgsd the Mtlfe nvL 
« ikAd nnd,'' and lir. W«r«b^ 
c^liui* DOtfauig skooMlHye mdoced 
t» swkfr tfaift coMpniwiiifi iiqfe 
vagMrd for mj faiaaAf^-j£ 1 kad 
kiMWB, thai tkc moBMBt yeo got: aarf 
SMiiay m tha* peekel. ol yaora^ you'd 
gototiiiaffe^ftiaAae^if paaaiblfl^ tiani 
jfM ifovld wikbawt it — ** 

« lify dear sk,*^ sxged ibe Mt& 



« Be quiet, Perker," 
WKrcHe. *^ Leave liie voeaiy sir.** 

''Off ^^ractly,* aaid tibe laataahcd 
Jingle. «<]^ b>fe, Fickwiek.'' 

If any dispassionate spectator could 
have beheld the cxmabaWBoe oi tiie 
i&]striott» maa^ whose Bama fanos tiie 
lew^ feature of thetitiie of ihia wotk, 
during tba latter part of tin ecairrer- 
SKtloEi^ he woahi haT« hew ahnoat 
indtieed to wonder that the iadigaant 
fire whjeh flaahod fimn his eyes, did 
aot neU ike glnaang of his speetortes 
— so xnajestie wa« his wrath. His 
BOstPifiB dilated, aail hm fiats dendied 
involuntaiity, as he heard himaelf 
addresaed by the -viiUsiB. Bat- he 
zestrahied himsaif agaiiir-lie did noi 
pulverise ym. 

^Here/' edntinnad the hanhe&ed 
tnitor, toanng' tike fieenoe at Mr. 
Pickwick's feet; ** get the name altered 
•^-take faeaae the lady — do for Tuppy,'* 

Mr. Pickwi^wasaplUlosopkerykat 
philoeoi^ers are emly men im an&eor, 
after att. Tke shaft had reached kigKy 
penetrated through his plnloBophical 
harness^ to hie Tory heart; la ike 
fmoy ii has rage> he hurled the ink- 
stand madly forward^ and' lolaiwed it 



up> himnriP But Mr. Jin^e had iai^- 
uppmn i ud^ aad Ik Jionnd hiwuilf caud^ 
ni tbe anas af SaxBL 

<< Hattoy" aaid dmt ceecainB func- 
^teniter'ft cheap ware yos 
le isoBB^ siK Sell-actii^ ink, dnrt 
*eEc;it'awrote year anttkapentiiBwaiay 
(dd gen'hn^ HoU stQl, sir; woi^a 
tlw OR o' naarin* artcr a man ai 
nauie has lacl^, and got to f other < 
d the BnaaDogk by tiw tisne." 

Mr. Piekindc'B miiid, like thooa of 
all tra^ great nMn, was open to coo- 
vietkai. He wasa qtdeky and powerfiol 
raasoner ; and a momant's nfleetzoB 
sufficed to remind him of the impotesi^ 
of his zsge. It sobdded aa quickly as 
it had been roused. He panted for 
breatii^ and looked bunignantty zouad 
upon ins Mends. 

^wU we teB the lam^attetions that 
ensued, whan Moss Wardle found her- 
self deserted by tiie &iihksa Jingle I 
SkaB we extinct Mr. Pfekwiek's mas.- 
terly description of that heart-rendti^ 
acfsie ? His note-book^ blotted with 
the teant of sympafinsing bumamtyy 
lies open before us ; one word, and it 
is in the printer's, hands. Bid, no I 
we wiU be zasolnte t We will not 
wnng the pid)lie kessni, witii the de- 
lineation of sudi soffesing ! 

Sletily and sadly did the two friends 
and the deaerted lady, return next 
day in the Mi^gleton heaivy coach. 
Dunly and darkly had the sombre 
i^ad^ws ci a summer'iEi night fidlesa 
apoD all aronnd, when ifliey again 
reached Dii^^y DeB^ and atood withis 
the emtranee te Manor Fazsk 



CHAPTER XL 
WYOVfisa AjstyssvB. joub^tet, aiid an antiquarian discotebt. becordino 

MB. BICKWICK'a DBXEBMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION ', AND 
CONTAINING ▲ MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD GLEBOTMAN'S. 



A mamt of quiet and repose in the 
profound fflfonce of Bkiglfl^ Dell^ and 
aa hoar's breatittBg of its &esh and 
fragraot air on tibe ensuing monnng, 
completely vaaev«red Mr. Pickwick 



firouL the effects of his late fadgne of 
bedy and Muuety of mind. That 
iUastrioaa mait Imd been separated 
&0BI his fdends and followers, for tw# 
whole days ; aad it was with a degree 



80 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



of pleMure md delight, which no oom- 
mon imagination can adequately con- 
oeiye,that he stepped forward to greet 
Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass, as he 
encountered those gentlemen on his 
return from his early walk. The 
pleasure was mutual; for who could 
ever gaze on Mr. Pickwick's beaming 
fiuse without experiencing the sensa- 
tion ! But still a cloud seemed to 
hang over his companions which that 
great man could not but be sensible of, 
and was wholly at a loss to account for. 
There was a mysterious air about 
them both, as unusual as it was 
alarminff. 

^ And how," said Mr. Pickwick, 
when he had grasped his followers by 
the hand, and exchanged warm saluta- 
tions of welcome ; ^ how is Tupman f " 

Mr. Winkle, to whom the question 
was more peculiarly addressed, made 
no reply. He turned away his head, 
and appeared absorbed in melancholy 
reflection. 

<< Snodgrass," said Mr. Pickwick, 
earnestly, << How is our friend — he is 
not ill ? »' 

*' No," replied Mr. Snodgrass ; and 
a tear trembled , on his sentimental 
eye-lid, like a rain-drop on a window- 
frame. ^ No ; he is not ill." 

Mr. Pickwick stopped, and gazed on 
each of his firiends in turn. 

^Winkle — Snodgrass," said Mr. 
Pickwick : ^ what does this mean f 
Where is our friend t What has hap- 
pened ! Speak — ^I conjure, I entreat 
— nay, I command you, speak." 

There was a solemnity — ^a dignity — 
in Mr. Pickwick's manner, not to be 
withstood. 

^ He is gone," said Mr. Snodgrass. 

<<Grone ! " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, 
"Gonel" 

<< Grone," repeated Mr. Snodgrass. 

<« Where!" ejaculated Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

** We can only guess, from that com- 
munication," replied Mr. Snodgrass, 
taking a letter from his pocket, and 
placing it in his friend's hand. << Yes- 
terday morning, when a letter was 
received from Mr. Wardle, stating 
that you would be home with his 



sister at night, the melanoholy which 
had hung over our friend during the 
whole of tiie previous day, was ob- 
served to increase. He shortly afteiv 
wards disappeared: he was miaaiy>g 
during the whole day, and in the 
evening this letter was brought by the 
hostler from the Crown, at Muggleton. 
It had been left in his charge m the 
morning,' with a strict injunction that 
it should not be delivered until 
niriit." 

Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. 
It was in his friend's hand-writing, 
and these were its contents : — 

^ My dear Pickwick, 

** Yon, my dear friend, are placed 
far beyond the reach of many mortal 
frailties and weaknesses which ordinary 
people cannot overcome. You do not 
know what it is, at one blow, to be 
deserted by a lovely and fisscinating 
creature, and to fall a vietmi to the 
artifices of a villain, who hid the grin 
of cunning, beneath the mask of friend- 
ship. I hope you never may. 

'' Any letter, addressed to me at the 
Leather Bottle, Cobham, Kent, will be 
forwarded — supposing I still exist. I 
hasten from the sight of that world, 
which has become odious to me. 
Should I hasten from it altogether, 
pity — forgive me. life, my dear Pick- 
wick, has become insupportable to me. 
The spirit which bums within us, is a 

Sorter's knot, on which to rest the 
eavy load of worldly cares and 
troubles ; and when that spirit fails us, 
the burden is too heavy to be borne. 
We sink beneath it. You may tell 
Rachael — Ah, that name 1 — 

« Tbact Tupmaw." 

^ We must leave this place, directly," 
said Mr.- Pickwick, as he refolded the 
note. '^ It would not have been decent 
for us to remain here, under any cir- 
cumstances, after what has happened ; 
and now we are bound to follow in 
search of our friend." And so saying, 
he led the way to the house. 

His intention was rapidly communi- 
cated. The entreaties to remain were 
pressing, but Mr. Plvkwick was in- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



81 



flexible. Business, he said, required 
his immediate attendance. 

The old clergyman was present. 

'< You are not really going 1 " said 
he, taking Mr. Pickwick aside. 

Mr. Pickwick reiterated his former 
determination. 

<<Then here,** said the old gentle- 
man, ** is a little manuscript, which I 
had hoped to have the pleasure of 
reading to you myself. I found it on 
the death of a friend of mine — a 
medical man, engaged in our County 
Lunatic Asylum — among a variety of 
papers, which I had the option of de* 
Btroying or preservings as I thought 
proper. I can hardly believe that the 
manuscript is genuine, though it cer> 
tainly is not in my friend's hand. How- 
ever, whether it be the genuine pro- 
duction of a maniac, or founded upon 
the ravings of some unhappy being, 
which I think more probable, read it, 
and judge for yourself.*' 

Mr. Pickwick received the manu- 
script, and parted from the benevolent 
old gentleman with many expressions 
of good-will and esteem. 

It was a more difficult task to take 
leave of the inmates of Manor Farm, 
from whom they had received so much 
hospitality and kindness. Mr. Pick- 
wick kissed the young ladies — wd were 
going to say, as if they were his own 
daughters, only as he might possibly 
have infused a little more warmth into 
the salutation, the comparison would 
not be quite appropriate — Chugged the 
old lady with filial cordiality: and 
patted the rosy cheeks of the female 
servants in a most patriarchal manner, 
as he slipped into the hands of each, 
some more substantial expressions of 
his approval. The exchange of cor- 
dialities with their fine old host and 
Mr. Trundle, were even more hearty 
and prolonged ; and it was not untU 
Mr. Snodgrass had been several times 
called for, uid at last emerged from 
a dork passage followed soon after by 
Emily (whose bright eyes looked un- 
usually dim) that the three friends 
were enabled to tear themselves from 
their fiiendly entertainers. Many a 
backward look they gave at the Farm^ 

No. 6. 



as they walked slowly away : and many 
a kiss did Mr. Snodgrass waft in the 
air, in acknowledgment of something 
very like a lady's handkerchief, which 
was waved from one of the upper 
windows, until a turn of the lane hid 
the old house £t*om their sight. 

At Muggleton they procured a con- 
veyance to Rochester. By the time' 
they reached the last-named place, the 
violence of their grief had sufficiently 
abated to admit of their making a very 
excellent early dinner; and having 
procured the necessary information 
relative to the road, the three friends 
set forward again in the afternoon to 
walk to Cobham. 

A delightful walk it was : for it was 
a pleasant afternoon in June, and their 
way lay through a deep and shady 
wood, cooled by the light wind which 
gently rustled the thick foliage, and 
enlivened by the songs of the birds 
that perched upon the boughs. The 
ivy and the moss crept in thick 
clusters over the old trees, and the 
soft green turf overspread tlie ground 
like a silken mat. They emerged upon 
an open park, with an ancient hall, 
displaying the quaint and picturesque 
ardiitecture of Elizabeth's time. Long 
vistas of stately oi^ and elm trees 
appeared on every mde : large herds of 
deer were cropping the fresh grass ; 
and occasionally a startled hare scoured 
along the ground, with the speed of 
the shadows thrown by the light clouds 
which sweep across a simny landscape 
like a passing breath of summer. 

« If this," said Mr. Pickwick, looking 
about him ; ^ if this were the place to 
which all who are troubled with our 
friend's complaint came, I fancy their 
old attachment to this world would 
very soon return." 

" I think so too," said Mr. Winkle. 

** And really," added Mr. Pickwick, 
after half an hour's walking had 
brought them to the village, *' really 
for a misanthrope's choice, this is one 
of the prettiest and most desirable 
places of residence, I ever met with." 

In this opinion also, both Mr. 
Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass expressed 
their concurrence; and having been 

o 



BO 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



direeted to fhe Leatiher Bottle, a dean 
and commodious village ale-honse, the 
^taee tranreUers* enterad, and at once- 
inqoired'for a gentieman of the name 
of Tupman. 

<* Show the gentlemen into the pai^ 
lour, Tom/' said the landlady. 

A stout country lad opened a door at 
the end of the passage, and the three 
friends entered a long, low-roofed 
room, furnished with a iKtge number of 
high-backed leather-onshioBed chairs^ 
of fantastic shapes^ and embeHished 
with a great ytanety of old pertmits 
and roughly-coloured prints of some 
anttquity. At the upper end of the 
room was a table, with a white cloth 
nponit, weU coverod with a roast fowl, 
baoon, al^ and et ceteras ; and at the 
taMe sat Mr. Tupman, looking as im- 
fike a man who Imd taken his leave of 
the world, as poemble« 

On the entrance of his finend^ tilkat 
eentleniaii laid down his knife and 
rork, and witha mournful air advanced 
to meet them. 

<* I did not expect to see yon here^" 
he said, as he grasped Mr. Pickwick's 
hand. « If s very kind." 

<" Ah !" said Mr. Pickwick, sitting 
down, and wiping from his forehead 
the perspirartion which the walk had 
engendensd. ** Finish your dinn^, 
and walk out witb me. I wish to 
speak to you atone." 

Mr. Tupman did as he was desired ; 
and Mr. Pickvrick having refreshed 
himself with a copious draught of ale, 
waited his friend's leisure. The 
dinner was quickly despatched, and 
th^ walked out together. 

For half an hour, their forms nugfat 
have been seen punng the churchyard 
to afcd fro, while Au*. Pickwick was 
engaged ir combatting his companion's 
resolutior. Any repetition of his 
arguments would be useless ; for what 
language could convey to them that 
energy and force which their great 
originator's manner communicated ! 
Whether Mr. Tupman was « already 
tired of retirement, or whether he was 
wholly unable to resist the eloquent 
appeal which was made to him, matters 
nio^ he did nof resist it at last 



« It mattered little to hhn," he said 
'^ where he dragged out the miserable 
remainder of his days: and sinee his 
fHend laid* so much streaer upon his 
humble coflapaaionahip, he was willing 
to shave hia adventorea^" 

Mr. Pickwick smiled'; they shoeh 
hands; and walked baek to re-join 
their companions. 

It was at this moment that Mn 
Pickwi^ made that immortal disoo^ 
very, which ha» been the pride and 
beaiet' of his friends, and- Iftte envy -of 
every antiqnarian in tina or ai^ other 
eeontry. They had passed the doov 
of their inn^ and walked a. little wa^ 
down the viltatge^ before they reool- 
lected the- precise spot in- which it 
stood. As they- turned back, Mr. 
Pickiinek's eye Hefl upon: a. staaH. 
breben stone, partially bvried in tite 
^reandyinfrointof'acottBge-doer.: He 
paused. 

** This is very staMun," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

«'WhAt is strange t*'hMioflrad'Bfr. 
Tnpman, staving eageriy at every 
object near him, but the right one. 
« God bless me, what's tiie matter 1 " 

This last was an ejaeaiation.of inre* 
presaible astomshment, occasioned- by 
seeing Mr. Pickwick, in his enthusiasm 
for discovery, &U on his knees befoie 
the little stone, and cemmence wiping 
the dnst off it with his poeket»faanimBsr- 
chief. 

^-Tfaeiwia an inscription here," said 
He. Ptekwidc. 

«l8 it possible t" aaid Mr. Tupman. 

^I can disecm^" continued Mr. 
Pickwick, rubbing away witb all his 
might, and gazing intently tfaonngh his 
speotadese ''I can diaoem a cross^ 
and a B, and then a T. This is im- 
portant," continued Mr. Pickwick, 
starting up. << This is some very old 
inscription, existing perhaps long be> 
fore the ancient ^ms-houses in thiJB 
place. It mnst not be lost." 

He tapped at tiie cottage^door. A 
labouring man opened it. 

** Do you know how this stone came 
here, my friend ? " inquired the bene- 
volent Mr. Pickwick. 

** No, I doan't, sir," replied the man, 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



88 



«ivittj. << It' was bcse long afore I war 
heam, or aoy ob ub." 

Mr. Pickwick glanced txUiaaphaBtly 
«fc his oonapanioEk. 

" You — ^yoi^^are not particuJarly 
attached to it, I dare say/* said Mr. 
Pickwick» tremUing widi aoxiety. 
^ Yoa wenld&H mind selling it, now t " 

Ah! bat who'd bay itt" inquired 
iSbd TBsai, with an expvesaoa of £ftee 
which he piobably meant to be yevy 
ovming. 

'< I 'U give you ten shillingB for it, 
At once," said Mr. Pickwick^ ** if yoa 
would take it up for me.'' 

The astonishment o' the viUage may 
be- easily imagined, when (the little 
■0one having been raised with one 
wrent^ of a spade), Mr. Pickwick, by 
dint oi great personal exertion, bore 
it with his own hands to the inn, and 
a£few havhig car^fnlly washed i^ de- 
posted it cm the table. 

The exaltation aad joy of th» Pick* 
wickians knew no bounds, whi^ their 
patience and assiduity, their washing 
and scraping, were crowned with soo- 
cess. The stone was uneven and 
broken, and the letters were straggling 
and irrcgular, buA the following £rag- 
meoA of an inseription was oLaarly to 
be decipheired : 

+ 

B I L S T 

U M 

P S H I 

S. M. 
ARK 

Mr. Piekwiek's eyes sparkled with 
delight, as he sat and gloated over the 
treasure he had discovered^ He had 
attained ono of the greatest objects of 
his ambition. In a county known to 
abound in remains of the early ages ; 
iU' a village in which there still ex- 
isted some memorials of the olden 
time^ he — ^he, the Chairman of the 
Pickwick Club- — had discovered a 
strange and curious inscription of un- 
questionable antiquity, which had 
wholly escaped the observation of the 
many learned men who had preceded 
him. He could hardly trust the evi- 
denoe of his senses. 



'* This — this," said he, ^ deteenaines 
We return to towq, to-morrow." 

" To-morrow ! " exchumsd his ad« 
mixiBg foUowers. 

^ To*«iorrow," said Mr. Pickwick* 
" This treasore mnst be at once depo* 
sited where it can be thoroughly inves- 
tigated^ and properly understood. I 
have another reason for this step. In 
a few days, an election is to take place 
for the borough of Eatanswill, at which 
Mr. Perker, a gentleman whom I 
latdy met, is the agent of one of the 
candidatea We wUl behold, and mi- 
nutely examine, a soene so interesting 
to every Englishman." 

<' We will," was the animated cry of 
three voiees. 

Mr. Pickwick located tomid him. 
Tbfl attadment and fervour of his 
foUowers, lighted up a glow of enthu- 
siasm within him. He was th^ 
leader, and he felt it. 

" Let us celebrate this ha|^y meet- 
ing, with a convivial glass," said be. 
This proposition, like the other, was 
received with usanimons applause. 
And having himself deposited Uie im- 
portant stone in a smaU deal box,pmv 
chased from the landlady f w the pm>- 
pose, he- placed Inmself in an arm- 
chair at Ihe head c^ the table; and 
the evening was devoted to festivity 
and conversation. 

It was past elevea o'dk)ek — a late 
hour for the little village of Cobham — 
when Mr. Pickwick retired to the bed- 
room which had been prepared for lu9 
receptioni He threw open the lattice- 
window^ and setting his Hght upon the 
table, fell into a train of meditation 
on tbs burned events of the two pre- 
cedii^dajTB. 

The hour and thn place were both 
favourable to contemplation ; Mr» 
Pickwick was roused, by the church- 
clock striking twelve. The first stroke 
of the hour sounded solemnnly in his 
6ar, but when the beU ceased the still- 
ness seemed insupportable ^— he aJhnost 
felt as if he had lost a companion. He 
was nervous and excited ; and hastily 
undressing himself aujd placing his light 
in 'the chimney, got into bed. 

Every one has experienced that du»- 

o2 



84 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS 6F 



agreeftble state of mmd, in which a 
sensation of bodily weariness in vain 
contends agiunst an inability to sleep. 
It was Mr. Pickwick's condition at this 
moment : he tossed first on one side 
and then on the other ; and perse- 
veringly closed his eyes as if to coax 
himself to slmnber. It was of no use. 
Whether it was the unwonted exertion 
he had undergone, or the heat, or the 
brandy and water or the strange 
bed — whatever it was, his thoughts 
kept reverting very uncomfortably to 
the grim pictures down stairs, and the 
old stories to which they had given 
rise in the course of the evening. 
After half an hour's tumbling about, 
he came to the unsatisfactory con- 
clusion, that it was of no use trying to 
sleep ; so he got up and partially 
dressed himself. Anything, he thought, 
was better than lying there fancying 
all kinds of horrors. He looked out 
of the window — ^it was very dark. He 
walked about the room — it was very 
lonely. 

He had taken a few tarns from the 
door to the window, and from the win- 
dow to the door, when the clergyman's 
manuscript for the first time entered 
his head. It was a good thought. If 
it failed to interest him, it might send 
him to sleep. He took it from his 
coat-pocket, and drawing a small table 
towards his bed-side, trimmed the 
light, put on his spectacles, and com- 
posed himself to read. It was a 
strange hand-writing, and the paper 
wafl much soiled and blotted. The 
title gave him a sudden start, too ; 
and he could not avoid casting a wist- 
ful glance round the room. lUflecting 
on the absurdity of giving way to such 
feelings, however, he trinmied the 
light ag"^, and read as follows : 

A MADMAN'S MANUSCRIPT. 

** Yes ! — a madman's I How that 
word would have struck to my heart, 
many years ago 1 How it would have 
roused the terror that used to come 
upon me sometimes ; sending the blood 
mssing and tingling through my veins, 
till the cold dew of fear stood in large 



drops upon my skin, and my knce^ 
knocked together with fright ! I like 
it now though. It's a fine name. 
Shew -me the monarch whose angry- 
frown was ever feared like the glare of 
a madman's eye — ^whose cord and axe, 
were ever half so sure as a madman's 
gripe. Ho ! ho I It's a grand thing to' 
be mad ! to be peeped at like a wild 
lion through the iron bars — ^to gnasb 
one's teeth and howl, through tlie long 
still night, to the merry ring of a heavy 
chain — and to roll and twine among 
the straw, transpoi*ted with such brave 
music. Hurrah for the madhouse t 
Oh, it's a rare place I 

*' I remember days when I was 
afraid of being mad ; when I used to 
start from my sleep, and fall upon my 
knees, and pray to be spared from the 
curse of my race ; when I rushed from 
the sight of merriment or happiness 
to hide myself in some lonely place, 
and spend the weary hours in watching 
the' progress of the fever that was to 
consume my brain. I knew that mad- 
ness was mixed up with my very blood, 
and the marrow of my bones ; that one 
generation had passed away without 
ihe pestilence appearing among them, 
and that I was the first in whom it 
would revive. I knew it m/utt be so ; 
that so it always had been, and so it 
ever would be: and when I cowered 
in some obscure comer of a crowded 
room, and saw men whisper, and point, 
and turn their eyes towards me, I 
knew they were telling each other of 
the doomed madman ; and I slunk 
away again to mope in solitude. 

** I did this for years ; long, long 

{rears they were. The nights here are 
ong sometimes — ^very long ; but they 
are nothing to the restless niehts, and 
dreadful c&eams I had at that time. 
It makes me cold to remember them. 
Large dusky forms with sly and jeer- 
ing faces crouched in the comers of the 
room, and bent over my bed at night, 
tempting me to madness. They told 
me m low whispers, that the floor of 
the old house in which my father's 
father died, was stained with liis own 
blood, i^ed by his own hand in raging 
madness. I drove my fingers into my 



T«v\ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



85 



ears, but they screamed into my head 
till tiie room rang with it, that in one 
generation before him tiie madness 
alumbered, but that his grandfather 
had lived for years with his hands 
fettered to the ground, to prevent his 
tearing himself to pieces. I knew they 
told the truth — I knew it welL I had 
found it out years before, though they 
had tried to keep it from me. Ha I 
ha I I was too cunning for them, mad- 
man as they thought me. 

" At last it came upon me, and I 
wondered how I coidd ever have 
feared it. I could go into the world 
now, and laugh and shout with the 
best among them. I knew I was mad, 
but they did not even suspect it. How 
1 used to hug myself with delight, 
when I thought of the fine trick I was 
.playing them after their old pointing 
imd leering, when I was not mad, but 
only dreading that I might one day 
become so 1 And how I used to laugh 
for joy, when I was alone, and thought 
how well I kept my secret, and how 
quickly my kind friends would have 
fallen from me, if they had known the 
truth. I could have screamed with 
ecstasy when I dined alone with some 
line roaring fellow, to think how pale 
Jie would have turned, and how fast he 
would have run, if he had known that 
the dear friend who sat close to him, 
sharpening a bright gUttering knife, 
was a madman with all the power, and 
iialf the will, to plunge it in his heart 
Oh, it was a merry life 1 

*' Riches became mine, wealth poured 
.In upon me, and I rioted in pleasures 
enhanced a tiiousand fold to me by the 
consciousness of my well-kept secret 
I inherited an estate. The law — ^the 
eagle^yed law itself,had been deceived, 
and haid handed over disputed thou- 
sands to a madman's hands. Where 
was the wit of the sharp-sighted men 
^f sound mind I Where the dexterity 
.of the lawyers, eager to discover a 
Jaw! The madman^s cunning had 
^ver-reached them all. 

" I had money. How I was courted ! 
1 spent it profusely. How I was 
praised I How those three proud 
overbearing brothers humbled them- 



selves before me ! The old white- 
headed father, too — such deference — 
such respect — such devoted Mendship 
— why he worshipped me. The old 
man had a daughter, and the young 
men a sister ; and iJl the five were 
poor. I was rich ; and when I married 
the girl, I saw a smile of trimnph play 
upon the faces of her needy relatives, 
as they thought of their wcU-planned 
scheme, and their fine prize. It was 
for me to smile. To smile I To laugh 
outright, and tear my hair, and roll 
upon the ground with shrieks of merri- 
ment They Utile thought they had 
married her to a madman. 

^ Stay. If they had known it, would 
they have saved her ! A sister's hap- 
piness against her husband's gold. 
The Ughtest feather I blow into the 
air, against the gay chain that orna- 
ments my body I 

^* In one thing I was deceived with 
all my cunning. If I had not been 
mad — for though we madmen are 
sharp-witted enough, we get bewildered 
sometimes — I should have known that 
the girl would rather have been placed, 
stiff and cold in a dull leaAen coffin, 
than borne an envied bride to mv rich, 
glittering house. I should have known 
that her heart was with the dark-eyed 
boy whose name I once heard her 
breathe in her troubled sleep ; and 
that she had been sacrificed to me, to 
reUeve the poverty of the old white- 
headed man, and the haughty brothers. 

^ I don't remember forms or faces 
now, but I know the girl was beautiful. 
I know she was ; for in the bright 
moonlight nights, when I start up ii^om 
my sleep, and all is quiet about me, I 
see, standing still and motionless in 
one corner of this cell, a slight and 
wasted figure with long black hair, 
which sti^aming down her back, stirs 
with no earthly wind, and eyes that 
fix their gaze on me, and never wink 
or close. Hush I the blood chills at 
my heart as I write it down — that form 
is hefs; the face is very pale, and the 
eyes are glassy bright ; but I know 
them well. That figure never moves ; 
it never frowns and mouths as others 
do, that fill this place sometimes } but 



86 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



it IB mueh more dreadful to me, even 
than ^e spirits that tempted me many 
years ago — it comes fresh from the 
grave ; and is so very death-like. 

« For nearly a year I saw that face 
grow paler ; for nearly a year, I saw 
3ie tears steal down the mournful 
cheeks, and never knew the cause. I 
found it out at last though. They could 
not keep it from me long. She had 
never Uked me ; I had never thought 
she did : she despised my wealth, and 
hated the splendour in which she 
lived ; — ^I had not expected that She 
loved another. This I had never 
thought of. Strange feelings came 
over me, and thoughts forced upon me 
by some secret power, whirled round 
and round my brain. I did not hate 
her, though I hated the boy she stOl 
wept for. I pitied — ^yes, I pitied — ^the 
wretched life to which her cold and 
selfish relations had doomed her. I 
knew that she could not live long, but 
the thought that before her deam she 
might give birth .to some ill-fated being, 
destined to hand down madness to its 
offspring, determined me. I resolved 
to lull her. 

« For many weeks I thought of 
poison, and then of drowning, and then 
of fire. A fine sight the grand house 
in flames, and the madman's wife 
smouldering away to cinders. Think 
of the jest of a large reward, too, and 
of some sane man swinging in the 
wind for a deed he never did, and all 
through a madman's cunning! I 
thought often of this, but I gave it up 
at last Oh 1 the pleasure of stropping 
the razor day after day, feeji^g the 
sharp e^, and thinking of the gash 
one stroke of its thin bright edge 
would make ! 

** At last liie old spirits who had 
been with me so often before whi^)ered 
in my ear that the time was come, and 
thrust the open razor into my hand. 
I granted it fiopoly, rose softiy from 
the bed, and leaned over my sleeping 
wife. Her face was buried in her 
hands. I withdrew Ihem softly, and 
they fell listlessly on her bosom. She 
had been weepiag ; for the traces of 
the tears were still wet upon her 



cheek. Her face was cafan and pladd ; 
and even as I looked upon it, a tran- 
quil snnle lighted up her pale features. 
I laid my huid softiiy on her shoulder. 
She started — ^it was only a passing 
dream. I leant forward again. She 
screamed, and woke. 

** One motion of my hand, and tiie 
would never again have utta«d cry or 
sound. But I was startled, and ^ew 
back. Her eyes were fixed on mine. 
I know not how it was, -but they cowed 
and frightened me ; and I quailed be- 
neatii 8iem. She rose from Hie bed, 
still gazing fixedly and steadily on me. 
I trembled ; the razor was in my 
hand, but I could not move. She made 
towards the ^door. As she neared it> 
she turned, and withdrew her eyea 
from my face. The spell was broken. 
I bounded forward, and clutched her 
by the arm. Uttering shriek upon 
shriek, she sunk upon me ground. 

'* Now I conld have killed her witii- 
ont a struggle ; but the house was 
alarmed. Iheard the tread of foot- 
steps on the stairs. I replaced the 
razor in its usual drawer, unfastened 
the door, and called loudly for assist- 
ance. 

''They came, and raised her, and 
placed her on the bed. She lay bereft 
of animation for hours ; and when 
life, look, and speech returned, her 
senses had deserted her, and she raved 
wildty and fiorionsly. 

" Doctors were called in — great 
men who rolled up to my door in easy 
carriages, with fine horses and gaudy 
servants. They were at her bedside 
for weeks. They had a great meet- 
ing, and consulted together in low and 
solemn voices in ano3ier room. One, 
the cleverest and most celebrated 
among them, took me adde, and bid- 
ding me prepare for the worst, told 
me — ^me, the madman I — that my wife 
was mad. He stood close beside me 
at an open window, his eyes looking in 
my face, and his hand laid upon my 
arm. With one effort, I could have 
hurled him into the street beneath. 
It would have been rare sport to have 
done it ; but my secret was at stake^ 
and I let him go. A few days after. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



87 



ihey told me I miBt place ^lier imder 
some TeetFaint : I must provide « 
keeper for her. I! I weot into the 
open fields where none ^cottld bear me, 
and laughed tHl the air vesounded 
with my ehonts ! 

« She died next day. The ^vddte- 
beaded old man followed her to the 
grave, and the proud hrothers dropped 
a tear over the mseaaible corpse of 
her, whose sufferings they .had iw- 
garded in her life-time witb musdes 
of irwi. All this was food for my 
secret mirth, aod I hmghed behind the 
white handkerefaaef which I held up 
to my face, as we rode •home, 'till ihe 
tears eame into -my 'eyes. 

^ But thoi^ I Imd oanied -my ob- 
ject and killed her, I was restless and 
dietoibed, and I f<^t that hefSoone Umg, 
my secret must be known. I could 
not hide the wild mirtfa and joy which 
boiled within me, and made me when 
I WHS alone, at home, jnmp up ^md 
beat ray hands together, ^and dimee 
round and round, and roar aloud. 
When I went ont,-«nd saw (the busy 
crowds hurtying about Ibe sbraets : or 
to the 4bestre, and beard the sound of 
music, and beheld ^le people dancing, 
I felt fuoh glee, ^timt I could have 
rushed among them, and torn them to 
pieces hmb ^rom Kmb, and iiowled in 
Inmsport. But I gvound -my tee&, 
and struck my feet upon the floor, and 
-drove B^riunrpnaSs into >my'iuuidB. I 
kept it down ; and no one knew I ivas 
a madman yet. 

''I remember — Ibougli ifs one of 
«tihe last 4(hings I can remember : for 
now I mix realities with sBiy dseaBB, 
and having so -much to do, -and .being 
always harried here, hapfe xio time to 
separate the two, iarom some stssnge 
cenfusien in ^hioh they get inveived-*- 
I remember how I let it >ontat.]ast. 
Ha ! ha ! I think I see their frightened 
looks now, and feel the ease with 
"Which I 'flmig them from me, and 
dashed my clenched fist into theb 
white faoes, and then flew like the 
wind, and left them ecreannng and 
shouting far behind. The strei^th of 
a giant comes upon me when I think 
of it. There-HBee how this iron bar 



bends b«ieath my furious wrench. I 
could snap it like a twig, only there are 
kmg galleries here with many doors — 
I don't think I could find my way 
along them : and even if I oould, I 
know there.are iron gates below which 
they he^ locked and barred. They 
know wluKt a elever madman I have 
been, and they are proud to have me 
here, to show. 

** Let me see ; — yes, I had been out. 
It was late at night when I reached 
home, and fouzid the proudest of the 
three preod brothers, waiting to eee 
me — ^urgent business he said : I recol- 
lect it wen. I hated that man with 
all a madman's hate. Many and many 
a time had my fingers longed to tear 
him. They told me he was there. I 
«an swlfdy up atairs. He had a word 
to say to me. I dismissed the ser- 
vants. It was Ute^ and we were alone 
together— /or i&ejir<< iimt. 

" I kept my eyes carefully from him 
at first, for I knew what he little 
thought — and I gloried in the know- 
ledge — tiiat the light of madness 
gleamed firom them l^e fire. We sat 
in silence for a few minutes. He spoke 
at last My reeent dissipation, and 
strange remarks, made so soon after 
his aisto^s death, were an insult to her 
memory. Coupling together many 
eireumstanoes which had at first 
escaped his observation, he thought I 
had not treated her well. He ^shed 
to. dmow whether he was right in in- 
ferrii^ that I meant to cast a reproach 
upon her ^memory, and a disrespect 
upon her family. It was due to the 
uniform he wore, to demand this ex- 
planation. 

** This man had a commission in the 
army— oA eommission, purchased with 
my money, and his sister's misery ! 
Tbis was ihe man who had been fore- 
.most in the plot to ensnare me, and 
grasp my wealth. This was the man 
who had been the main instrument in 
forcing bis sister to wed -me; well 
knowing that her heart was given to 
that puling boy. Due ! Due to his uni- 
form ! The livery of his degsadation ! 
I turned my eyes upon him — I «ould 
not hrip it— but I spoke, not a wind. 



as 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



''•I saw ilie sudden change that came 
upon him, beneath my gaze. He was 
a bold man, but the colour faded from 
his face, and he drew back his chair. 
I dragged mine nearer to him ; and as 
I laughed — I was very merry then — 
I saw him shudder. I felt the madness 
■ rising within me. He was afraid of 
me. 

" * You were very fond of your 
sister when she was alive* — ^I said — 
* Very.' 

** He looked uneasily round him, 
and I saw his hand grasp the back of 
his chair : but he said nothing. 

** * You villain,* said I, * I found you 
out; I discovered your hellish plots 
agunst me; I know her heart was 
fixed on some one else before you com- 
pelled her to marry me. I Imow it — 
I know it.' 

^He jumped suddenly from his 
chair, brandished it aloft, and bid me 
stand back — ^for I took care to be 
getting closer to him, all the time I 
spoke. 

*' I screamed rather than talked, for 
I felt tumultuous passions eddying 
through my veins, and the old spirits 
whispering and taunting me to tear his 
heart out. 

'* * Damn you,' said I, starting up, 
and rushing upon him ; * I killed her. 
I am a madman. Down with you. 
Blood, blood I I will have it ! ' 

^ I turned afdde with one blow, the 
chair he hurled at me in his terror, 
and closed with him ; and with a 
heavy crash, we rolled upon the floor 
togeUier. 

** It was a fine struggle that ; for he 
was a tall strong man, fighting for his 
life ; and I, a powerful madman, thirst- 
ing to destroy him. I knew no strength 
could equal mine, and I was right. 
Right, again, though a madman ! His 
struggles grew fainter. I knelt upon 
his chest, and clasped his brawny 
throat, firmly with both hands. His 
face grew purple ; his eyes were start- 
ing from ms head, and with protruded 
tongue, he seemed to mock me. I 
squeezed the tighter. 

^ The door was suddenly burst open 
iriiSti a loud noise, and a crowd of 



people rushed forward, crying aloud to 
each other, to secure the madman. 

** My secret was out ; and my only 
struggle now, was for liberty and free- 
dom. I gained my feet before a hand 
was on me, threw myself among my 
assailants, and cleared my way with 
my strong arm as if I bore a hatchet 
in my hand, and hewed them down 
before me. I gained the door, dropped 
over the banisters, and in an instant 
was in the street. 

" Straight and swift I ran, and no 
one dared to stop me. I heard the 
noise of feet behind, and redoubled my 
speed. It grew fainter and fainter in 
the distance, and at length died away 
altogether : but on I bounded, through 
marah and rivulet, over fence and widl, 
with a wUd shout which was taken up 
by the strange beings that flocked 
around me on every side, and swelled 
the sound, till it pierced the air. I 
was borne upon the arms of demons 
who swept along upon the wind, and 
bore down bank and hedge before them, 
and spun me round and round with a 
rustle and a speed that made my head 
swim, until at last they threw me from 
them with a violent shock, and I fell 
heavily upon the earth. When I woke 
I found myself here — ^here in this gay 
cell where the sun-light seldom comea^ 
and the moon steals in, in rays which 
only serve to show the dark shadows 
about me, and that silent figure in its 
old comer. When I He awake, I can 
sometimes hear strange shrieks and 
cries from distant parts of this large 
place. What they are, I know not; 
but they neither come from that pale 
form, nor does it regard them. For 
from the first shades of dusk 'till the 
earliest light of morning, it still stands 
motionless in the same place, listening 
to the music of my iron chain, and 
watching my gambols on my straw 
bed." 

At the €nd of the manuscript, was 
written, in another hand, this note : — 

[The unhappy man whose ravings 
are recorded above, was a melancholy 
instance of the baneful results of 
energies misdirected in early life, and 
excesses prolonged until their conse- 



THE PICKWICK CLUR 



89 



.qu^ices could never be repaired. The 
tiioughtless riot, dissipatioiiy and de- 
bauchery of his younger days, pro- 
duced fever and delirium. The first 
effects of the latter, was the strange 
delusion, founded upon a well-known 
medical theory, strongly contended for 
by some, and as strongly contested by 
others, that an her^tary madness 
existed in his iamily. This produced 
A settled gloom, which in time deve- 
loped a morbid insanity, and finally 
terminated in raving madness. There 
is evexy reason to believe that the 
events he detailed, though distorted in 
the description by his diseased imagi- 
nation, really happened. It is only 
matter of wonder to those who were 
acquainted with the vices of his early 
career, that his passions, when no 
longer controlled by reason, did not 
lead him to the commission of still 
more frightful deeds.] 

Mr. Pickwick's candle was just ex- 
piring in the socket, as he concluded 
the perusal of the old clergyman^s 
manuscript ; and when the light went 
suddenly out, without any previous 
flicker by way of warning, it commu- 
nicated a very considerable start to Ins 
excited frame. Hastily throwing off 
such articles of clothing as he had put 
on when he rose from his uneasy bed, 
and casting a fearful glance around, he 
once more scrambled hastily between 
the sheets, and soon fell fast asleep. 

The sun was shining brilliantiy into 
his chamber when he awoke, and the 
morning was far advanced. The gloom 
which had oppressed him on the pre- 
vious night, had disappeared with the 
dark shadows which shrouded the 
landscape, and his thoughts and feel- 
ings were as light and gay as the 
morning itself. After a hearty break- 
fast, the four gentlemen sallied forth 
to walk to Gvavesend, followed by a 
man bearing the stone in its deal box. 
They reached that town about one 
o'clock, (their luggaee they had di- 
rected to be forwarded to the City, 
irom Rochester,) and being fortunate 
enough to secure places on the outside 
Jo£ a coach, arrived in London in sound 



health and spirits, on that same after* 
noon. 

The next three or four days were 
occupied with the preparations which 
were necessary for their journey to 
to the borough of Eatanswill, As any 
reference to that most important un* 
dertaking deniands a separate chap- 
ter, we may devote the few lines which 
remain at the close of this, to narrate, 
with great brevity, the history of the 
antiquarian discovery. 

It appears from the Transactions of 
tiie Club, then, that Mr- Pickwick 
lectured upon tiie discovery at a Go- 
neral Club Meeting, convened on the 
night succeeding their return, and 
entered into a variety of ingenious 
and erudite speculations on the mean- 
ing of the inscription. It also appears 
that a skilful artist executed a faithful 
delineation of the curiosity, which was 
engraven on stone, and presented to 
the Royal Antiquarian Society, and 
other learned bodies — ^that heart-bum- 
ings and jealousies without number, 
were created by rival controversies 
which were penned upon the subject 
— and that Mr. Pickwick himself 
wrote a Pamphlet, containing ninety- 
six pages of very small print, and 
twenty-seven different readings of the 
inscription. That three old gentiemen 
cut off their eldest sons with a shilling 
a-piece for presuming to doubt the 
antiquity of the fragment — and that 
one enthusiastic individual cut himself 
off prematurely, in despur at being 
unable to fathom its meaning. That 
Mr. Pickwick was elected an honorary 
member of seventeen native and fo- 
reign societies, for making the dis- 
covery ; that none of the seventeen 
could make anything of it, but that all 
the seventeen agreed it was very ex- 
teaordiiiary. 

Mr. Blotton, indeed — and the name 
will be doomed to the undying con- 
tempt of those who cultivate the mys- 
terious and the sublime — Mr. Blotton, 
we say, with the doubt and cavilling 
peculiar to vulgar minds, presumed to 
state a view of the case, as degrading 
as ridiculous. Mr. Blotton, with a 
mean desire to tarnish the lustre of 



90 



P0STHU1«)US PAPERS OF 



liie inmiorlal iwme cf Piekinok, aeta- 
ally undertook a journey to Cobham in 
person, and on hisrekuniyMroasticaUy 
obeerved in an oratian at like olub, that 
he had seen Ihe man from whom Ihe 
stone was purehased ; that the man 
presumed the stone to be ancient^ -hut 
solemnly denied the antiquHy of the 
inscription — masmndi as he vepre- 
aented it to have been radefy 'earned 
by himself in an idle mood, and 4o 'dis- 
play letters intended to bear neither 
more nor less =tfaan the 4nnple oon- 
Btmotion of — ^*<BiUStampe, his mark :'* 
and that Mr. Stomps, being little in 
the habit of original oompoeitien, and 
more aconstomed to be guided by the 
sound of words 4ian by the strict 
ndes of orthography, had omitted the 
^nduding<< L" of bis dhristian name. 

The PiekwidL Clnb, as might ha?re 
been expected from so eiflig^tened an 
Institution, received this statement 
with the contempt it deserred, ex- 
pelled the presnmptnons and ill-oon- 
ditioned ffiotton from the society, and 
voted Mr. Pickwick a pair of geld 
Bpeotacles, in token of their confidence 
and appro^tion ; in return for which, 
Mr. Pickwick caused a portrait of 
himself to be pointed, and Imng up in 
the chilMNMHn — «Uch portrait, by 
the by, he did not wish to have de- 
stroyed when he grew a iew years older. 

Mr. Blotton was ejected bat net 



conquered He also wrote a pamph- 
let, addressed to the seventeen learned 
so<9eties, containing a repetition of the 
statement he had already made, and 
ratlier mere than half intimating his 
•opinion that the s eve n te e n leiffned 
societies wfnninnaid, were so many 
^hnmbags." Hereupon Ae virtoons 
indignation cf the seventeen learned 
flocieties being roused, eeveml iraah 
pamphlets appeared ; the foreign 
teamed societies being ronsed, several 
fresh pamphlets appeared ; the ferrign 
learned societies corresponded with 
the nalive learned societies, ib.o native 
kamed societies trandated the pamph- 
lets of the foreign learned societies into 
English, the foreign learned societies 
translated the pamphlets of the native 
leanied societies into all sorts cf lan- 
gnages : and thus HMmimenced that 
celebrated s c ie n tific discassion so well 
known to all men, as the Fickwidc 
controversy. 

Bat this base attempt to injure Mr. 
Pickwick, recoiled upon the head of 
its calumnious author. The serenteen 
•learned societies timmimouriy voted 
the presumptuens IMotton an ignorant 
meddler, and forthwith set to work 
upon more tpeatises than ever. And 
to this -day the •stone remains, an ille- 
gible monument of Mr. -Pickwick's 
greatness, and a lasting trophy to the 
HttleBeBS of his encnues. 



CHAPTER Xn. 

bBSCBIFTIVE OP A VBET lUFOftTAMT TAOCEBDINO ON VBE 7AKT OV VB. PICK- 
WICK ; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY. 



Ma. Pickwick's apartments in Gos- 
well Street, although on a limited 
scale, were not only of 'a very aeat 
and comfortable description, botpeon- 
liarly adapted for the residence of a 
man of his g eniau and observation. 
His flitting^oom was the first -floor 
&ont, his bed-room the second floor 
firont; and thas, whether he were 
sittiag at his desk in the paclonr, or 
standing before the dressing-glaas in 



his dormitory, -he had an equal 'oppeir- 
trnvty of contein|dating hnmaB-natore 
in all the .nnmfgons phases it exhibits, 
in that not more pepuloas than popular 
thoroo^&re. His landlady, Mirs. 
Bardell-^the MOictand sole execiiteix 
of a deceased eaatom-hense officer — 
was a oomely woman of bustimg man- 
ners and agreeable appearance, imtha 
natural genias'fbr cooking, impro¥Bd. 
by study and long proetice into an «x- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



91 



^[visite talent. There were no chit 
dren, no servants, no fowls. The only 
other fnmnteH of the house were a 
kffge man, and a small Iboy ; the &*st 
alodg^, the second a pntdnotion of 
Mrs. Bjurdell's. The laige man y/ns 
al^mys home precisely at ten o'clock at 
night, at T^iich hour he regcdsriy oon^ 
densed himself inte the Iknits of a 
dvmrfish French hedstead m the back 
padomr ; and the mfaatine eports and 
gymnastic exeroises of Master Bard^ 
w&ee exehenvely confined to the neigh- 
bouring pa^em^rts and gMMiers. Clean- 
liness and quiet reigned throaghont 
the honse ; and in it Mr. Fiekwiek's 
will was law. 

To any one aoqaaintsd wkh these 
points of the domestic ^eaaomy of the 
cstablidmieBt, and HX>nver8aiiit with 
the admirable legaktttion of Mr^ Pick- 
wick's mind, his -iq ipM r a Bce and be^ 
havioor on tiie morning ^prervieias to 
that ^ich had been fixed upon fw 
the journey to Eataa&wiU, wotdd have 
been most mysterious and unacooant- 
able. He paced the room to and fro 
with hurried stepe, fwpped Us head 
cot of the window at intervals of 
about three minates <6aoh, constaotly 
referred to his watch, and exhibited 
many other maaifesta^ioos of inqpa- 
tience, very vnusnal with laim. It 
was evident ttiat something of great 
importance was in covten^latien, but 
what that sometfaing wse net evan. 
Mrs. Bardeil hersotf liad been en- 
abled to discover. 

«" Mrs. BardeU," said Mr. Pickwick, 
at labt, as that anxiaUe feraaie af- 
proached the termination of a pro- 
longed dusting of the apartment — 

« Sir," said Mrs. BardeU. 

'^ Your little boy is a very long time 
'gone." 

** Why it's a good long way to the 
Borot^ mr/* remonstrated Mrs. 
BardeU. 

«Ah,*» said Mr. Pic&wack, -^Vtery 
.lEue ; ao it is." 

Mr. Pickwick reaapsed into silence, 
^and Mrs. BardeU resomed her dasdng. 

« Mrs. Bardeil," said Mr. Pickwick, 
4it ihe expiraition >of a few aninutes. 

<' Sir," said Mrs. BardeU again. 



'^ Do you think it's a much greater 
expense to keep two people, liumto 
keep ooe 1" 

«<La, Mr. Pickwick," said Mis. 
BardeU, colouring np to Ihe very border 
of her cap, as she fancied she ob- 
served asperaes of matrimonial twin- 
kle in the eyes -of her lodger ; ^ 1a, 
Mr. Pickwick, what a qoestion ! " 

** WeU, but do you ! " inquired Mr, 
Pickwick. 

^ That'depends— " said Mrs. BardeU, 
ai^roaching ^e dnster very near to 
Mr. Pickwick's elbow, which was 
planted on ithe table — '^ that depends 
a good deal iqKin the person, you 
know, Mr. Pickwick ; and whetfaeir 
it's a saving and oarefid person, sir." 

« Thafs very true," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, " but the person I have in my 
eye (here he iooked very hard at Mrs.. 
BardeU) I Ihink possesses these quaU- 
ties ; and has, moreover, a conaidCTable 
knowledge of the world, and a great 
deal of sharpness, Mrs. BardeU ; which 
raay be of "material use to me." 

''La, Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. 
BardeU; the crimson risii^ to her 
oap-bcn-der again. 

** I do," said Idr. Pickwick, growing 
energetic, as was his wont in speaking 
of a subject which interested him, ^'I 
do, indeed ; and to tell you the truth^ 
Mrs. BardeU, I have made op my 
mind." 

" Dear me, shr," exdaimed Mra. 
BardeU. 

** You'U think it very strange now," 
said the amiable Mr. Pickwick, with a 
good4inmoured ^bmoe at his oom» 
panion, **'6kaA I never oonsuHed you 
abont ihis matter, and never even 
mentioned it, tiU I sent your Jittle 
bey out this morning — eh i " 

Mrs. BardeU couM only re^y by a 
look. She had long worshipped Mr. 
Pickwick at a distance, but here she 
was, all at once, raised to a pinnacle to 
which her wildest and most extrava- 
gant hopes had never 'dared .to aspire* 
Mr. Pickwick was going to propose — 
a deUberate plan, *oo — ^sent. her Uttle 
boy to the Boroi^, to get him out of 
the way — ^bow ihongh^ — ^how con- 
siderate ! 



92 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



« Well," said Mr. Pickwick, « what 
do you think 1 " 

«0h, Mr. Pickwick," said Mrs. 
Bardell, trembling with agitation, 
** you're very kind, sir." 

<<It'll save you a good deal of 
trouble, won't it ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

<* Oh, I never thought anything of 
the trouble, sir," replied Mrs. Bardell ; 
^ and, of course, I should take more 
trouble to please you then, than erer ; 
but it is so kind of you, Mr. Pickwick, 
to have so much consideration for my 
loneliness." 

*« Ah, to be sure," said Mr. Pick- 
wick ; ^ I never thought of that 
When I am in town, you'll always 
have somebody to sit with you. To 
be sure, so you will" 

"I'm sure I ought to be a very 
happy woman," said Mrs. Bardell 

*<And your little boy — " said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** Bless his heart," interposed Mrs. 
Bardell, with a maternal sob. 

<< He, too, will have a companion," 
resumed Mr. Pickwick, « a lively one, 
who '11 teach him, I'll be bound, more 
tricks in a week than he would ever 
learn in a year." And Mr. Pickwick 
jsmiled placidly. 

" Oh you dear — ** said Mrs. BardelL 

Mr. Pickwick started. 

<< Oh you kind, good, playful dear," 
said Mrs. Bardell ; and without more 
ado, she rose from her chair, and 
flung her arms round Mr. Pickwick's 
neck, with a cataract of tears and a 
chorus of sobs. 

<< Bless imr soul," cried the aston- 
ished Mr. Hckwick ; — « Mrs. Bardell 
my good woman — dear me, what a 
situation— pray consider. — Mrs. Bar- 
dell, don't — if anybody should come — *' 

''Oh, let them come," exclaimed 
Mrs. Bardell, frantically ; '< I '11 never 
■leave you — dear, kind, good, soul ;" 
and, with these words, Mrs. Bardell 
tjlung the tighter. 

** Mercy upon me," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, struggling violently, ''I hear 
somebody coming up the stairs. Don't, 
-don't, there 's a good creature, don't" 
But entreaty and remonstrance were 
alike uniavailing: for Mrs. Bardell 



had fainted in Mr. Pickwick's arms ; 
and before he could gain time to 
deposit her on a chair, l^ister Bardell 
entered the room, uiahering in Mr. 
Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snod- 
grass. 

Mr. Pickwick was struck motionless 
and speechless. He stood with his 
lovely burden in Ins arms, gazing 
vacantly on the countenances of his 
friends, without the slightest attempt 
at recognition or explimation. They, 
in their turn, stared at him ; and 
Master Bardell, in his turn, stared at 
everybody. 

The astonishment of the Pickwick* 
ians was so absorbing, and the per- 
plexity of Mr. Pickwick was so ex- 
treme, that they might have remained 
in exactly the same relative situations 
until the suspended animation of the 
lady was restored, had it not been for 
a most beautiful and touching expres- 
sion of filial affection on the part of her 
youthful son. Clad in a tight suit of 
corderoy, spangled with brass buttons 
of a very considerable size, he at first 
stood at the door astounded and un- 
certain ; but by degrees, the impres- 
sion that his mother must have suffered 
some personal damage, pervaded his 
partially developed mind, and consi- 
dering Mr. Pickwick as the aggressor, 
he set up an appalling and semi-earthly 
kind of howling, and butting forward 
with his head, commenced assailing 
that immortal gentleman about the 
back and less, with such blows and 
pinches as uie strength of his arm, 
and the violence of his excitement, 
allowed. 

** Take this little villain away," said 
the agonised Mr. Pickwick, ''he 's 
mad." 

" What it the matter 1 " said the 
three tongue-tied Pickwickians. 

" I don't know," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick, pettishly. " Take away the boy 
— (here Mr. Winkle carried the inter- 
esting boy, screaming and struggling, 
to the further end of the apartment). 
— Now, help me, lead tins woman 
down stairs." 

" Oh, I am better now," said Mrs. 
Bardell, famtiy. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



93 



*< Let me lead you down stairs/' said 
fhe ever gallant Mr. Tupman. 

« Thank you, sir — thank you ;" ex- 
claimed Mrs. BardeU, hysterically. 
And down stairs she was led accord- 
ingly, accompanied by her affectionate 
son. 

*I cannot conceive — ** said Mr. 
Pickwick, when his friend returned — 
— ^**I cannot conceive what has been 
the matter with that woman. I had 
merely announced to her my intention 
of keeping a man servant, when she 
fell into the extraordinary paroxysm in 
which you foimd her. Very extraor- 
dinary thing." 

« Very," said his three friends. 

'< Placed me in. such an extremely 
awkward situation," continued Mr. 
Pickwick, 

*< Very," was tlie reply of his fol- 
lowers, as they coughed slightly, and 
looked dubiously at each other. 

This behaviour was not lost upon 
Mr. Pickwick. He remarked their 
incredulity. They evidently suspected 
him. 

<^ There is a man in the passage 
now,*' said Mr. Tupman. 

** It 's the man I spoke to you 
about," said Mr. Pickwick, ** I sent for 
him to the Borough this morning. 
Have the goodness to call him up, 
Snod grass." 

Mr. Snodgrass did as he was de- 
sired ; and Mr. Samuel Weller forth- 
with presented himself. 

"Oh — you remeihber me, I sup- 
pose ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

^I should think so,*' replied Sam, 
with a patronising wink. " Queer 
start that 'ere, but he was one too 
many for you, wam't he ? Up to 
snuff and a pinch or two over — eh 1 " 

"Never mind that matter now," 
said Mr. Pickwick hastily," I want to 
speak to you about something else. 
Sit down." 

" Thank 'ee, sir," eaid Sam. And 
down he sat without farther bidding, 
having previously deposited his old 
white hat on the landing outside the 
door. "Ta'nt a werry good 'im to 
look at,'* said Sam, " but it 's an aston- 
ishin* *un to ^ear ; and afore the brim 



went, it was a werry handsome t3e. 
Hows'ever it 's lighter without it, 
that 's one thing, and every hole lets 
in some air, that 's another — wentala- 
tion gossamer I calls it." On the 
delivery of this sentiment, Mr. Weller 
smiled agreeably upon the assembled 
Pickwickiaos. 

" Now with regard to the matter on 
which I, with the concurrence of these 
gentlemen, sent for you," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

"That's the pint, sir," interposed 
Sam ; " out vith it, as the father said 
to the child, wen he swallowed a 
farden." 

"We want to know, in the first 
place," said Mr. Pickwick, " whether 
yon have any reason to be (Uscontented 
with your 'present situation." 

" Afore I answers that 'ere question, 
gen'hn'n," replied Mr. Weller, "/ 
should like to know, in the first place, 
whether you 're a goin' to purwide me 
with a better." 

A sunbeam of placid benevolence 
played on Mr. Pickwick's features as 
he said, "I have half made up my 
mind to engage you myself." 

" Have you, though ! " said Sam. 

Mr. Pickwick nodded in the affir- 
mative. ' 

" Wages t " inquired Sam. 

"Twelve pounds a year," replied 
Mr. Pickwick. 

« Clotlies !" 

"Two suits." 

"Work!" 

" To attend upon me ; and travel 
about with me and these gentlemen 
here." 

"Take the bill down," said Sam, 
emphatically. "I'm let to a single 
gentleman, and the terms is agreed 
upon." 

"You accept the situation t" in- 
quired Mr. Pickwick. 

"Cert'nly," repUed Sam. "If the 
clothes fits me half as well as the place^ 
they'll do." 

** You can get a character of 
course 1 " said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Ask the landlady o' the White 
Hart about that, sir," replied Sam. 

" Can you come this evening 1 " 



M 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



^111 get iniA ike olothes this nunnte, 
il tboy're here/* aud Sam wkh great 
«laerity. 

"CaJl at eig^t this evening,*^ said 
Mr. Pickwick ; aod if the i&qniries ace 
fltttiiBfactory, tbey shall be provided." 

With the single exeeption c^ one 
amiable indiscretion, in which an 
aasistant housemaid had equally pavti- 
<»pated, the history of Mr. WeUeir's 
conduct was so very blameless, that 
Mr. Pickwick felt fully justified in 
closing the engagement that very even- 
ing^ With the proroptnefls and energy 
which characterised not only the public 
proceedings, but all the private actions 
ol tills extraordinary man, be at once 
led his new attendant to one of those 
convenient emporiums where gentle- 
men's newaad second-hand Hothes are 



provided, and the troublesome and 
inconvenient formality of measurement 
dispensed with ; and before night had 
closed in, Mr. WeUer was furnished 
with a grey coat with the p. c' button, 
a black hat with a cockade to it^ a pink 
striped waistcoat, light breeches and 
gaiters, and a variety of other neces- 
saries^ too numerous to recapitulate. . 
''Well,'' said that suddenlv-traos- 
formed individual, as he took his seat 
on the outside di the EatanswUl coach 
next morning ; '* I wonder wether I'm 
meant to be a footman, or a groom, or 
a gamekeeper, or a seedsmau. I looks 
like a sort of compo of every one on 'em. 
Never mind ; there's change of air, 
plenty to see, and little to do ; and all 
this suits my complaint uncommon ; so 
long life to the Pickvicks, says I ! " 



CHAPTER XIII. 

tOMB ACCOUNT OF EATA2«WILL ; OV THE STATE OF PASTIES THEREIN ; AND 
OF THE ELECTTON OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PAALUMENT FOR THAT 
ANCIENT, LOYAL, AN]> PATRIOTIC BOROUGH. 



We will frankly acknowledge, that 
up to the period of our being fyrst im- 
mersed in the voluminous papers of the 
Pickwick club, we had never heard of 
JBatanswill ; we will with eqaak can- 
dour admit, that we have in vain 
searched for proof of the actual exist- 
ence of such a place at the present day. 
Knowing the deep reliance to be placed 
on everv note and statement of Mr. 
Pickwick^s, and not presuming to set 
up ourrecollection against the recorded 
declarations of that great man, we have 
consulted every authority, bearing 
npon the subject, to which we could 
possibly refer. We have traced every 
name m schedules A and B, without 
meeting with that of Eatanswill ; we 
have minutely examined every comer 
of the Pocket Comity Maps issued for 
the benefit of society by our distin- 
guished publishers, and the same result 
has attended our investigation. We 
are therefore led to beUeve, that Mr. 
Pickwick, with that anxious desire to 



abstain from giving offence to any, and 
with those delicate feelings for which 
all who knew him well know he was so 
eminently remarkable, purposely sub- 
stituted a fictitious designation, for the 
real name of the place in which Ins 
observations were made. We are con- 
firmed in this belief by a little circum- 
stance, apparently slight and trivial in 
itself, but when considered in this 
point of view, not undeserving of 
notice. In Mr. Pickwick's note-book, 
we can just trace an entry of the fact, 
that the places of himself and followers 
were booked by the Norwich coach ; 
but this entry was afterwards lined 
through, as if for the purpose of con- 
cealing even the direction in which the 
borough is situated. We will not, 
therefore, hazard a guess upon the 
subject, but will at once proceed with 
this history ; content with the materials 
which its characters have provided 
for us. 
It appears, then, that the Eatanswill 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



95 



people^ like the- people of many other 
small towns, oonaideped tiiamsakea of 
the utmost and most mighty import- 
ance, and that every man in Eataoswill, 
oonsciouB of the weight tiiat aMMhed 
to his example, felt himself bound to 
unite, heart and- soul^ wiithtOBe of tibe 
twa great parties that divided thetown 
— ^the Bines and the BnfiBB. Now the 
Maealost no opportonity of opposing 
the Buffs, and. the Buffs lost no qppor- 
tmdty of opposing the Bines ; and the 
consequence wasy that* ^enerer the 
Buffs and Blues met togetiaer at public 
meeting, Town-Hall, ^r, or market, 
dispvtes and high words arose between 
thinsL With these- dissensioBa it is 
almost superfluous to say tiuit every- 
thing in Eatanswill was made a party* 
question. If the Bufflt proposed to 
new ricyliglit the masket*place, the 
Bhtes gfiik up piiUie moetingB, and 
denoonoed the preoeediag ; if the Bhifis 
proposed the erection of an additional 
pomp in tiie High Street tiie Buffs 
rose as one man and stood aghast at 
the enorraitv« There were Kos shops 
and Buff shops, Blue inns and Btaff 
inns ; — there was a Bine aisle and a 
Bnff aiel% in^ the very chardk itaelt 

Of course it was easentiaUy and in- 
dispensably necessBjry^that each of 
these powerful parties shoiM have its 
chosen organ asMl representative: and, 
aecovdin^y^ there were two newe- 
papers in the townx-the EtMensw^ 
Gaieette and the Batanswitt Independ^ 
est ; the former advocating Blue pziuf- 
eiples, and the latter coadiMsted on 
grounds decidedly Buff. Fine ^ news* 
' papers they were. Such leading avtih 
ekia^aod snob spirited attacks I — '^ Our 
weitUess contemponry, the Gazette" 
— ^ That disgraceful and. dastardly 
journal, the Independent" — <*That 
false and scurrilouft prints the Inde- 
pendent — ** That vile and slteiderous 
calnmniator, the Gaaette;" — these, 
and other spirit-stirring deennriatinns 
were strewn plentifolly over the 
eelwnns of each, in every number, and 
excited feelings of the most intense 
deUght and indignation in the bosoms 
of the towBfl^e<^le. 

Mr. Pjdkwick, with his nsnal fore- 



sight and sagacity, had chosMi a p<«cu- 
liu4y desiraUe moment for his visit to 
the borough. Never was such Acot^ 
test known. The Honeurable Samuel 
Slumkey, of Slnmkey Hall, was the 
Blue candidate ; and Horatio Fizkin, 
Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill^ 
had been prevailed vfon by his friends 
to stand forwaa^ on the Buff interest 
The* Gaxette warned the doctors of 
Eatanswill that the eyes not only of 
£^gland^ but of tiie whole civilised 
world, were upen them ; and the Inde- 
pendent imperatively demanded to 
know, whether the oonstituene}" of 
Eatanswill weveibe grand fellows they 
had always taken them for, or base and 
servile tools, undeserving alike of tiie 
name of Englishmen and the blessings 
of freedom. Never had sueh a commo- 
tion agitated the town before. 

It was late in the evening, whenllfr. 
Flckwiek and his companions, assisted 
by Sam, dismounted from the roof of 
the Eatanswifi coach. Large blue silk 
flags were flying £ram the windows of 
tiie Tdwn Arms Inn, and bills were 
posted in every sash, intlmaittng, in 
gigaottio lettse^ tiiat the honourable 
Samuel Slumkey^ CosBantttee sat there 
daBy. A CMssd of idlers were assem- 
bled in the road, looking at a hoarse 
mafl&in tbebaleeny, who was apparently 
talking- himself very red in the &fie in 
Mt. ^omkfly's bdbalf ; but the foree 
and point A whose arguments were 
sonewhat inqMHsed by the perpetual 
beating of four large drama vrliaA M& 
Mzkin's committee |^ad stationedat the 
street oomer. There was a busy little 
man beside him, though, who took off 
his hat at ^iuterraJs and motioned to 
tiie people- to cheer, which they reg»> 
larby dtd, most enthusiestieaUy ; and 
as the red-foeed gentleman wait on 
talking till he was redder in the face 
thanevHr,it seemed to answer his pur- 
pose quite ae well as if anybody had 
heard him. 

The Pickwickians had no sooner 
dismounted, than they were sanrounded 
by a branch mob of the honest and 
independent^ who forthwith set up 
three deafening cheers, which b^ng 
responded to by the main body (for it's 



r 



^ 



96 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



not at all necessary for a crowd to 
know what they are cheering about) 
swelled into a tremendous roar of tri- 
umph, wliich stopped even tiie .red- 
faced man in the balcony. 

<< Hurrah 1 '* shouted the mob in 
conclusion. 

"One cheer more,*' screamed the 
little fugleman in the balcony, and out 
shoutedthe mob again, as if lungs were 
cast iron, with steel works. 

" Slumkey for ever ! " roared the 
honest and independent. 

" Slumkey for ever I " echoed Mr. 
Pickwick, taking off his hat. 

** No Fizkin I " roared the crowd. 

" Certaioly not I" shouted Mr. Pick- 
wick, 

** Hurrah ! " And then there was 
another roaring, like that of a whole 
menagerie when the elephant has rung 
the bell fur the cold meat. 

« Who is Slumkey 1 " whispered Mr. 
Tupman. 

** I don't know,?' replied Mr. Pick- 
wick in the same tone. <* Hush. Don't 
ask any questions. It 's always best on 
these occasions to do what the mob do.'* 

^ But suppose there are two mobs \ " 
suggested Mr. Snodgrass. 

<< Shout with the largest," replied 
Mr. Pickwick. 

Volumes could not have said more. 

They entered the house, the crowd 

• opening rieht and left to let them pass, 

and cheenng vociferously. The first 

object of conaderation was to secure 

quarters for the night. vr 4 

^ Can we have beds here ! " inquimb 

Mr. Pickwick, summoning the waiter. 

^ ^ Don't know, sir," replied the man; 

^^•'afiraid we're full, sir — I'll inquire, 

\ air." Away he went for that purpose, 

and presentiy returned, to ask whether 

the gentlemen were '* Blue." 

As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his 
' ' eoinpanions took any vital interest in 
the cause of either candidate, the ques- 
tion was rather a difficult one to answer. 
In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick be- 
thought himself of his new friend, Mr. 
Perker. 

^ Do yon know a gentleman of the 
name of Perker I " inquired Mr. Pick- 
wick. 



" Certainly, sir ; honourable Mr. 
Samuel Slunkey's agent." 

« He is Blue, I think 1 " 

« Oh yes, sir." 

<< Then loe are Blue," said Mr. 
Pickwick ; but observing that the man 
looked rather doubtful at this accom- 
modating announcement, he gave him 
his card, and desired him to present it 
to Mr. Perker forthwith, if he should 
happen to be in the house. The waiter 
retired ; and re-appearing almost im- 
mediately with a request that Mr. 
Pickwick would follow bim, led the 
way to a large room on the first floor, 
where, seated at a long table covered 
with books and papers, was Mr. Perker. 

*' Ah — ah, my dear sir," said the 
little man, advancing to meet him ; 
" very happy to see you, my dear sir, 
very. Pray sit down. So you havo 
carried your intention into effect. You 
have come down here to see an election 
— ehl" 

Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirma- 
tive. 

^' Spirited contest, my dear sir," said 
the little man. 

^I am delighted to hear it," said 
Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands. ** l 
like to see sturdy patriotism, on what- 
ever side it is called forth ; — and s** 
it 's a spirited contest 1 " 

** Oh yes," said the little man, " very 
much so indeed. We have opened all 
the public-houses in the place, and left 
our adversary nothing but the beer- 
shops — masterly stroke of policy that^ 
my dear sir, eh 1 " — and the little man 
smiled complacently, and took a large 
pinch of snuff. 

<* And what are the probabilities as 
to (he result of the contest I " inquired 
Mr. Pickwick. 

« Why doubtful, my dear sir ; rather 
doubtful as yet," repued the little man. 
« Fizkin's people have got Huree-and- 
thirty voters in the lock-up coach- 
house at the White Hart." 

" In the coach-house ! " said Mr. 
Pickwick, considerably astonished by 
this second stroke of policy. 

"They keep *eln locked up there, 
till they want 'em," resumed the little 
man. " The effect of that is, yon see, 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



97 



to prevent our getting at them ; and 
even if we could, it would be of no 
use, for they keep them very drunk on 
purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's agent 
— very smart fellow indeed.** 

Mr. Pickwick stared, but said 
nothing. 

" We are pretty confident, though,'* 
sidd Mr. Perker, sinking his voice 
almost to a whisper. ^ We had a little 
tea-party here, last night — five-and- 
forty women, my dear sir — and gave 
every one of 'em a green parasol when 
die went away." 

*• A parasol I " swd Mr. Pickwick. 

"Fact, my dear sir, fact. Five- 
and-forty green parasols, at seven and 
six-pence a-piece. All women like 
finery, — extraordinary the effect of 
those parasols. Secured all their hus- 
bands, and half their brothers — ^beats 
stockings, and flannel, and all that sort 
of thing hollow. My idea, my dear 
sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine, 
you can^t walk half a dozen yards up 
the street, without encountering half a 
dozen green parasols." 

Here the little man indulged in a 
convulsion of mirth, which was only 
checked by the entrance of a third party. 

This was a tall, thin man, with a 
sandy-coloured head inclined to bald- 
ness, and a face in which solemn im- 
portance was blended with a look of 
unfathomable profundity. He was 
dressed in a long brown surtout, with 
a black cloth waistcoat, and drab trou- 
sers. A double eye-glass dangled at 
his waistooat: and on his head he 
wore a very low-crowned hat with a 
broadbrim. The new comer was intro- 
duced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr. Pott, the 
editor of the Eatanswill Gazette. After 
a few preliminary remarks, Mr. Pott 
turned round to Mr. Pickwick, and 
said with solemnity — 

"This contest excites great interest 
in the metropolis, sir f " 

*' I believe it does," said Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

** To which I have reason to know," 
said Pott, looking towards Mr. Perker 
for corroboration, — ** to which I have 
reason to know my article of last Satur- 
day in some degree contributed." 

No. 7. 



"Not the least doubt of that," said 
the little man. 

" The press is a mighty engine, sir," 
said Pott. 

Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest 
assent to the proposition. 

« But I trust, sir," said Pott, " that 
I have never abused the enormous 
power I wield. I trust, sir, that I 
have never pointed the noble instru- 
ment which is placed in my hands, 
against the sacred bosom of private 
life, or the tender breast of individual 
reputation ; — I trust, sir, that I have 
devoted my energies to — ^to endeavours 
— ^humble they may be, humble I know 
they are—to instil those principles of 
— which — are — " 

Here the editor of the Eatanswill 
Gazette, appearing to ramble, Mr. 
Pickwick came to Ins relief, and said — 

"Certainly." 

"And what, sir" — said Pott — ^ what, 
sir, let me ask you as an impartial 
man, is the state of the public mind in 
London, with reference to my contest 
with the Independent 1 " 

" Greatly excited, no doubt," inter- 
posed Mr. Perker, with a look of sly- 
ness which was very likely accidental. 

"The contest," said Pott, "shall be 
prolonged so long as I have health and 
strengSi, and that portion of talent 
with which I am gifted. From that 
contest, sir, although it may unsettle 
men^s minds and excite their feelings^ 
and ^onder them incapable for the £s- 
cLarge of the every-day duties of ordi- 
nary life ; from that contest, sir, I will 
never shrink, till I have set my heel 
upon the Eatanswill Independent. I 
wjab. the people of London, and the 
people of this country to know, sir, 
that they may rely upon me ; — that I 
will not deseii them, that I am resolved 
to stand by them, sir, to the last." 

" Your conduct is most noble, sir," 
said Mr. Pickwick ; and he grasped 
the hand of the magnanimous Pott. 

« You are, sir, I perceive, a man of 
sense and talent," said Mr. Pott, almost 
breathless with the vehemence of his 
patriotic declaration. " I am most 
happy, sir, to make the acquaintance ft 
such a man." 



98 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



« And V said Mr. Pickwidc, «feel 
deeply honoured by this expreaatm of 
your opinion. Allow tne, sir, to intro- 
dnce you to my fellow-traTellers, the 
other corresponding members of the 
dub I am proud to hAve fownded.'* 

«< I shafl be detighted," said Mr. Pott. 

Mr. Pickwick wiUkdrew, and re- 
turning with his friends, pxiesenied 
them in due form to the editor of the 
Eatansii^ll Grazettte. 

^ Now my dear Pott," said little Mr, 
Perker, ^ the question is, what ore we 
to do wilii our friends here ! *' 

^ We can stop in this bouse, I si^ 
pose," said Mr. Piekwidk. 

** Not a spare bed in tlie house, my 
dear sir — ^not a single bed." 

^Extremely awkwaard," said Mr. 
PiG&wick. 

** Very ; " tsaid his fellow-voyagers. 

^ I have an idea upon tiiis subject," 
siud Mr. Pott, « which I diink may be 
very saecessfully adopted. They have 
two beds At tiie Peacodc, and I can 
boldly say, tm behalf of Mz». Pott, 
that she wUl be delighted to accommo- 
date Mr. Pickwick and any of his 
friends, if the other two gentlemen and 
tiieir servant do not object to shifting, 
as they best can, at the Peacodc." 

After repeated pressings on Uie part 
of Mr. Pott, and r^eaiked protesta- 
tions on Ihat of Mr. Pickwiok tftiat lie 
could not ^ink of incommoding or 
trou blin g his amiable wife, it was de- 
cided t£it lids was &e only feasible 
arnu^emeut that could be made. So 
It VKU made ; and after dining t(^etber 
lit the Town Arms, the friends separ- 
ated^ Mr. Tnpman and Mr. Snodg^*a8s 
repairing to the Peaoook, and Mr. 
Pickwick and Mr. Winkle proceeding 
to the mansion of Mr. Pott ; it having 
been previoucAy arranged that l^ey 
should all re-assendbile at the Town 
AiWB in fte morning, «nd aeomnpany 
the lionoiivable Samnd Slumkey's pro- 
oesidon to the place of nonrinatiosL 

Mr. Pott's domestic drde was lim- 
ited to hinself and his wiife^ Ail 
men n^om nugfaty genius has raised 
to a nroad eminence m the world, hove 
nsaany some little weakness whidh 
appears tlie more conspimm from 



the contrast it presents to thdr ge- 
neral GJyutuster. If Mr. Pott had a 
vwdcness, it was, perhaps, that he was 
ra^er too submissive to the somewhat 
contemptuous oontrol and sway of 
his wife. We do not fed Justified in 
laying any particular stress upon tha 
fact, because on the present ooea- 
sion aU Mns. Pott's most winning 
ways were brought into reqpiiailion to 
reoei?« the two gentfemen. 

«My dear," said Mr. Pott, "Mr, 
Pidcwiek — ^Mr. Pickwick of London." 

Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick^ 
paternal gra^ of the hand with«n> 
dnnting sweetness : and Mr. Winkle^ 
who had not been annomiced at «!!, 
fifiifed and hewed, unootieedy in an 
obscure '•eomer. 

** P. my dear—" said Mml Pott. 

^ My Kfe," said Mr. Pott. 

" Pray introdueo the other geotle- 



}} 



^I beg a tiiossand pardons," said 
Mr. Pott. •« Permit me« Mrs. PKktt. 
Mr.—" 

" Winkle," said Mr, Piokwiok. 

<" WmUe," edioed Mr. Pott ; and 
the ceremony t>f introdnotion was com- 
plete. 

''We owe yefo. many apologies^ 
ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, *<' for dia- 
tarbing your domestic wxaogements 
at so dbcrt a notioe." 

^ I beg yon won't meatMin it, sir,^* 
replied &e femimne Pott, with viva- 
city. ^ It is a high treat to une, 1 
assure you, to see any new faces ; 
Irving SB I do, frean day to day, and 
week to week, in this dnU place, and 
seeing nsbody.*' 

^< Nobody, my 'dear!" ftwrhumed 
Mr. Pcitt, archly. 

** Nobody but you," netorted Mrs. 
Pott, iraili asperity. 

«< You see, Mr, Piekwiok,'' said «fae 
host in expbnatiOBflf lus wife's lanient, 
^ that we are in some measare cat «ff 
from jnany enjoyments and ute aumea 
of which we might otherwise paitake. 
My initalie staifeisi^ as editor «f the 
Eatanswin GaasMs, the psntisn wiiioh 
that paper holds in ibe eeMrtiy, my 
constant inunenisa in tbs wok^bx «f 
polit^fls— " 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



99 



"V. my desF — " interpoted Mra. 
Pott. 

<< My life—'* mid the editor. 

« I wish, my dear,yoawonld endea- 
▼onr to find some topic of conversa- 
tion in which tiiese gentlemen might 
take some rational interest." 

« But my love," said Mr. Pott, with 
great hmnility, ^'Mr. Pickwick does 
take an interest in it." 

'' It -8 well for him if he can," said 
Mrs. Pott, emphatically ; ^ I am 
wearied out of my life wiih your 
politics, and quarrels with the Inde- 
pendent, and nonsense. I am quite 
afitonished P. at your making such an 
exhibition of yonr absurdity." 

« But my dear—" said Mr. Pott 

^ Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me ;" 
said Mrs. Pott. << Do you play eea/rte, 

MT?" 

^ I shall be very happy to leam, 
under your tuition," replied Mr. 
Winkle. 

^ Well, then, draw that little table 
into this window, and let me get out of 
hearing of those prosy politics." 

*' Jane," said Mr. Pott, to the ser- 
vant who brought in candles, ^go 
down into the office, and bring me up 
the file of the Gazette for ^ghteen 
Hundred and Twenty Eight. I '11 just 
read yon — " added &e editor, turning 
to Mr. Pickwick, **I *11 just read you 
a few of the leaders I wrote at that 
time, upon the Buff job of appointing 
a new tollman to the turnpike here ; I 
rather ftink iliey 'U amuse you." 

^I should like to hear them yrery 
•much, indeed," said Mr. Pickwick. 

Up came the file, and down sat Ihe 
editor, wi4h Mr. Pickwick at his side. 

We have in vain pored over the 
leaves of Mr. PiokwickVt note-book, 
in the hope of meeting with a. general 
summary of these beautifiil composi- 
tions. We have evmy reason to 
beheve that he was perfectly enrap* 
tared with the vigour and freshness of 
the style ; indeed Mr. Winkle has re- 
corded the fact that his eyes were 
dosed, as if with excess of pleasorei, 
dHring the whole time of their perusaL 

The announcement of supper pnt a 
-stop both to the game at erart^y and 



die recapitnlation of tiie beauties of 
the Eatanswill Gaaette. Mrs. Pott 
was in the highest sfaritB and the 
most agreeable humour. Mr. Winkle 
had already made considerable pro- 
gress in her good (^^nion, and die did 
not hesitate to inform him, confiden- 
tially, that Mr. Pickwick was ^ a de- 
lightful old dear." These terms convey 
a familiarity of expression, in which 
few of those who were intimately 
acquainted with 4hat colossal-minded 
man, would have presumed to indulge. 
We have preserved them, neverthe- 
less, as affording at onoe a touching 
and a convincing proof of the estima- 
tion in which he was held by ever}' 
class of society, and the ease with 
which he made his way to their heart& 
and feelings. 

It was a late hour of the night — 
long after Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snod- 
grass had fallen asleep in the inmost, 
recesses of the Peacock — when the* 
two friends retired to rest. Slumber- 
soon fell upon the senses of Mr.. 
Winkle, but his feelings had been 
excited, and his admiration roused ; . 
and for many hours after sleep had 
rendered him insensible to earthly 
objects, the face and figure of the 
agreeable Mrs. Pott presented them- 
selves again and again to his wander^ 
ing imagination. 

The noise and bustle which ushered, 
in the morning, were sufficient to dis- 
pel from the mind of tiie most roman- 
tic visionary in existence, any associa- 
tions but those which were immedi- 
ately connected with the Ei^idly-ap- 
proaehing election. The beating of 
drums, &e blowing of horns and 
trumpets, the shouting of men, and 
tramping of horses, echoed and re- 
echoed through the streets from the 
earliest dawn of day ; and an occa- 
sional fight between the light skir- 
mishers of eiitiier party, at once enli- 
vened the preparations, and agreeably 
diversified their character. 

<< Well, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, 
as his valet appeared at his bed-noom 
door, just as he was oondBding hm 
toilet ; ''ail alive to-daj^ I suppose t** 

''Beglar game^ sir,** zephad Mr. 

h2 



100 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Weller; ^our people*8 a col-lecting 
down at the Town Arms, and they're 
a hollering themselyes hoarse already.*' 

** Ah,** said Mr. Pickwick, ** do they 
seem devoted to their party, Sam !** 

^' Never see such dewotion in my 
life sir.** 

«' Energetic, eh !*' said Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

« Uncommon,** replied Sam ; " I 
never see men eat and drink so much 
afore. I wonder they a*nt afeer*d o* 
bustin." 

^ That's the mistaken kindness of 
the gentry here,*' said Mr. Pickwick. 

« Wery likely,*' replied Sam, 
briefly. 

'' Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they 
seem," said Mr. Pickwick, gkmcing 
from the window. 

** Worry fresh," replied Sam ; ** me, 
and the two waiters at the Peacock, 
has been a pumpin* over the indepen- 
dent woters as supped there last 
night." 

<< Pumping over independent 
voters I " exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 

*' Yes,** said his attendant, '' every 
man slept vere he fell down ; we 
dragged 'em out, one by one, this 
momin' and put 'em under the 
pump, and they're in regular fine 
order, now. Shillin* a head the com- 
mittee paid for that 'ere job." 

'' Can such things be !** exclaimed 
the astonished Mr. Pickwick. 

** Lord bless your heart, sir," said 
Sam, '* why where was yon half bap- 
tized ! — ^that's nothin*, that a'nt." 

« Nothing ?" said Mr. Pickwick. 

*' Nothin'* at all, sir," replied his 
attendant. ** The night afore the last 
day o' the last election here, the op- 
posite party bribed the bar-maid at 
the Town Arms, to hocus the brandy 
aud water of fourteen unpolled elec 
tors as was a stoppin' in the house." 

'* What do you mean by ' hocussing' 
brandy and water ! " mquired l£*. 
Pickwick. 

^Puttin* laud'num in it,*' replied 
Sam. '' Blessed if she didn't send *em 
all to sleep till twelve hours arter the 
election was over. They took one 
man up to the booth, in a truck, fast 



asleep, by wav of experiment, but it 
was no so — uey wouldn't poll him ; 
so they brought him back, and put 
him to bed again.** 

'< Strange practices, these," said 
Mr. Pickwick ; half speaking to him- 
self, and half addressing Sam. 

<< Not half so strange as a miracu- 
lous circumstance as happened to my 
own father, at an election-time, in this 
wer^ place, sir," replied Sam. 

^ What was that i" inquired Mr. 
Pickwick. 

'' Why he drove a coach down here 
once,*' said Sam ; '* 'Lection time 
came on, and he was engaged by vun 
party to bring down woters from Lon- 
don. Night afore he was a going to 
drive up, committee on t'other side 
sends for him quietly, and away he 
goes vith the messenger, who shows 
him in ; — ^large room — ^lots of gen*l*- 
m*n — ^Iieaps of papers, pens and ink, 
and all that *ere. < Ah, Mr. Weller,' 
says the gen*I*m'n in the chair, <glad 
to see you, sir ; how are you ! ' — 
* Worry well, thank*ee, sir,' says my 
father ; ' I hope you*re pretty middlin,' 
says he—' Pretty well, thank'ee, sir,' 
says the gen*rm*n; 'sit down, Mr. 
Weller — pray sit down, sir.' So my 
father sits down, and he and the een- 
Tm'n looks wery hard at each omer. 
' You don't remember me V says the 
gen*l*m*n. — * Can*t say I do,* says my 
Hither — 'Oh, 1 know you,' says the 
gen*l*m'n ; ' know*d you wen vou was a 
boy,' says he. — ' Well, I don t remem- 
ber you,* says my father — ' That *s 
wery odd,* savs the gen*l*m'n — * Wery,' 
says my father — 'You must have a 
bad mem*ry Mr. Weller,' says the 
een*l*m*n — ^'Well, it is a wery bad 
"vaif* says my father — ' I thought so,* 
says the gen'rm*n. So then they 
pours him out a glass of wine, and 
ganunons him about his driving, and 
gets him into a reg'lar good humour, 
and at last shoves a twenty pound 
note in his hand. 'It's a wery bad 
road between this and London,* says 
the gen*l*m*n — ^'Here and there it 
is a heavy road,' says my father — 
'*SpeciaUy near the canal, I think,* 
says the gen*rm'n—>' Nasty bit, that 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



101 



'ere,' says my father — ^ Well, Mr. 
Weller,' says the genTm'n, * you *re a 
wery good whip, and can do what you 
like with your horses, we know. 
We're all wery fond o* you, Mr. 
Weller, so in case you should have an 
accident when you 're a bringing these 
here woters down, and sTiovM tip 'em 
over into the canal Tithout hurtin' of 
'em, this is for yourself,' says he— 
* Gen'l'm'n, you *re wery kind,' says 
my father, ' and I '11 drink your 
health in another glass of wine,' says 
he ; wich he did, and then buttons 
up the money, and bows himself out. 
You wouldn't believe, sir," continued 
Sam, with a look of inexpressible im-; 
pudence at his master, ^that on the 
wery day as he came down with them 
woters, ids coach was upset on that 
'ere wery spot, and ev'ry man on 'em 
was turned into the canid." 

'* And got out again I " inquired Mr. 
Pickwick, hastily. 

" Why," replied Sam, very slowly, 
" I rather think one old gen'l'm'n 
was missin' ; I know his hat was found, 
but I a'n't quite certain whether his 
head was in it or not. But what I 
look at, is the hex-traordinary, and 
wonderful coincidence, thalarter what 
that gen'l'm'n said, my father's coach 
should be upset in that wery place, and 
on that wery day I " 

" It is, no doubt, a very extraordi- 
nary circumstance indeed," said Mr. 
Pickwick. " But brush my hat, Sam, 
for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me to 
breakfast." 

With these words Mr. Pickwick 
descended to the parlour, where he 
found breakfast laid, and the family 
already assembled. The meal was 
hastily despatched ; each of the gen- 
tlemen's hats was decorated with an 
enormous blue favour, made up by the 
fiur hands of Mrs. Pott herself ; and 
as Mr. Winkle had undertaken to 
escort that lady to a house top, in 
the immediate vicinity of the hustings, 
Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pott repaired 
alone to the Town Arms, from the 
back window of which, one of Mr. 
Slumkey's committee was addressing 
six small boys, and one girl, whom he 



dignified, at every second sentence, 
with the imposing title of <^men of 
Eatanswill," whereat the six small 
boys aforesaid cheered prodigiously. 

The stable-yard exhibited unequi- 
vocal symptoms of the glory and 
strength of the Eatanswill Blues. 
There was a regular army of blue 
flags, some with one handle, and some 
wiu two, exhibiting appropriate de- 
vices, in golden characters four feet 
high, and stout in proportion. There 
was a grand band of trumpets, bas- 
soons and drums, marshalled four 
abreast, and earning their money, if 
ever men did, especially the drum 
beaters, who were very muscular. 
There were bodies of constables with 
blue staves, twenty committee-men 
with blue BcsLda, and a mob of voters 
with blue cockades. There were elec- 
tors on horseback, and electors a-foot. 
There was an open carriage and four, 
for the honourable Samuel Slumkey ; 
and there were four carriages and 
pair, for his friends and supporters : 
and the flags were rustling, and the 
band was p&ying, and the constables 
were swearing, and the twenty com- 
mittee-men were squabbling, and the 
mob were shouting, and tihe horses 
were backing, and the post-boys per- 
spiring ; and everybody, and every- 
thing, then and there assembled, was 
for the special use, behoof, honour, 
and renown, of the honourable Samuel 
Slumkey of Slumkey Hall, one of the 
candidates for the representation of 
the Borough of Eatanswill, in the 
Conunons House of Parliament of the 
United Kingdom. 

Loud and long were the cheers, and 
mighty was the rustling of one of the 
blue flags, witii " Liberty of the Press " 
inscribed thereon, when the sandy 
head of Mr. Pott was discerned in 
one of the windows, by the mob be- 
neath ; and tremendous was the en- 
thusiasm when the honourable Samuel 
Slumkey himself, in top boots, and a 
blue neckerchief, advanced and seized 
the hand of the said Pott, and melo- 
dramatically testified by gestures to 
the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations 
to the Eatanswill Gazette. 



102 



POSTBUMOUS PAPERS OF 



<'Is ererytfaing ready t" Bttid the 
honourable Samuel Shunkey to Mr. 
Perkor. 

« Everything, my dour ab/' was the 
little man'a reply. 

<< Nothing has been omitted, I 
hope t ** sauL the honourable Samuel 
Slumkey. 

** Nothing haa been left undone, my 
dear air — ^nothing whatever. There 
are twenty waaheid men at the street 
door for yon to shake hands with ; 
and six children in arms that you*re 
to pat on the head, and inquire the 
age of ; be particular about the chil- 
dren, mj dear sir^^it has always a 
great effect, that sort of thmg." 

** 111 take care," said the honomv 
able Samnel Slumkey. 

** And, pedbap8,my dear sir — " said 
the cantieas little man, ''perhaps if 
yon eovid'^l don't mean to say it's in- 
dispensable — ^bnt if you could manage 
to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a 
Terygreat impression on the crowds" 

M Wouldn*t it have as good an effeet 
if the proposer or aeoonder did that 1 " 
aaid the henonrable Samuel Slumkey. 

^ Why, I am a&aid it wouldn't," 
replied the agent ; <* if it were done 
by yourself, my dear sir, I think it 
would make you yexy popular." 

<<yery well," said the honourable 
Samuel Shmkey, with a resigned airj 
<< then it nuist be done. That's ail." 

<* Amof/s the procession," cried the 
twenty eemmittee-m«n. 

Amidst the cheers of the asaemUed 
ftrong^ the band, and the constables, 
and the eommittee-men, and the voters, 
and the horsemen, and the carriage^ 
took theiv places-^each of the two- 
horse vdiidea being closely packed 
with as many gentlemen as could 
manage to stand upright in it ; and 
tiiat asHigned to Mr. Perker, contain- 
ing Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tapman, Mr. 
Snodgrass, and ^out half a dozen of 
the committee beside. 

There was a moment of awliil sus- 
pense as the procession waited for the 
honourable Samuel Slumkey to step 
into his oarriage. Suddenly the crowd 
set up a great cheerin;](. 

** He luuB come out^" said little Mr. 



Perker, greatly excited ; the more so 
as their position did not enable them 
to see what was going forward* 

Another cheer, much louder. 

''He has shaJien hands with the 
men," died the little agent. 

Another cheer, &r more vehement. 

" He has patted the babiee on the 
heady" said Mr. Perker, trembling 
with anxietv. 

A roar of applause that rent the air. 

** He has kissed one of *em I** ex- 
claimed the delighted little man. 

A second roar. 

''He has kissed another," gnaped 
the exeited manager. 

A third roar. 

" He's Idssmg 'em aU ! " screamed 
the enthusiastic little gentleman. And 
hailed by the deafening shouts of the 
multitude, the procession moved on. 

How or by what means it became 
mixed up witii the other procession, 
and how it was ever extricated from 
the confusion consequent tlierenpon, 
is more than we can undertake to 
describe, inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick's 
hat was knocked over his eyes, nose, 
and mouth, by one poke of a Buff flag- 
staff, very early in the proceedings. 
He describes himself as being sur- 
rounded on every side, when he could 
caich a glimpse of the scene, by angry 
and ferocious countenances, by a vast 
dond of dust, and by a dense crowd of 
combatants. He represents himself as 
being forced from the carriage by 
some unseen power, and being per* 
sonidly engaged in a pugilistic en- 
counter ; but with whom, or how, or 
why, he is wholly unable to state. 
He then felt himself forced up soma 
wooden stops by the persons from be- 
hind : and on removing his hat, found 
himself surrounded by his friends, in 
^ very front of the left hand side of 
the hustings. The right was reserved 
for the Buff party, and the centre for 
the mayor and his officers ; one of 
whom — ^the fat crier of £atanawill~- 
waa ringing an enormous bell, by way 
of commimding silence, while Mr. 
Horatio Fizkin, and the honourable 
Samuel Slumkey, with their hands 
upon their hearts, were bowing with 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



103 



tb» Qtaosi affi^hflity to &• tmybfed 
8W of headB iktd innncbted th« op«B 
space in fronl ; aadfrcim whence arose 
a sterm of groeaa» awL sboate, and 
yeD%.and hootingm tbsfe would have 
dune honour to aa eartbiuake. 

« Tbwe's Wiiiklft»" said Mr. Tap- 
nwB, pultiag his fSeioid by the sfeore. 

^ Where I " said Mr. Pickwiek, put- 
ting on his q^ectaekn, which he had 
fortanately kept in his pocket hitherto. 

'^There," SMd Mr. Tupnaan, <<Qn 
tha top of that hoasob,"' And there, 
sure enoogfa, in the leaden ^tter of a 
tiled roof, were Mr. Winkle and Mrs. 
Peitt oeii^rtably seated in a eouple 
olefaursy waTing their baadkerebiefs 
in token of recognitMii — a eompihaent 
whieh Mr. Pickwick retnmed by kiss- 
ing his hand to the lady. 

The proceedings had not yet com- 
nenced ; and aa an inaetire crowd is 
gOBSBdly disposed to be joooeey this 
-very inaoeeat action waa sufficient to 
amakea. their facetiousaesB. 

** Oh you wicked okl rascal/' cried 
m» voice, ^looking arter tfaie girls, 
an yon i " 

** Oh yon wenerable sinner," cried 
aaothcr. 

** Putting on his q»ectacles to look 
at a married 'ooman I " said a third. 

''I see him a winkin' at her, with his 
wicked old eye,** sheated a foorth. 

c« Look arter your wife^ Pott,** bel- 
kwed a fifth ;— -and then there was a 
sear of laughter. 

As these taunta were accompanied 
with invidious comparisons between 
Mr. Pickwick and an aged saa^ and 
asveral witticisma of the like nature ; 
and as they moreover rather tended 
to convey reflecticas imon the honour 
of an innocent lady, Mr. Pkkwick^s 
indignation waa excessive ; but as 
sileinBe was proclaimed at the moment, 
he contented htmself by scorching the 
mob with a look of pity £or their mis- 
guided minds, at whidi they laughed 
more boisterously than ever. 

« ft>i«««<e ! " roared the mayor's al- 



<« Whiffin, prookdm silaioe," said 
tbe mayor, with an air of pomp be- 
fitting hia lofty statiiQit. In obedienoe 



to thia oeiMBand tfie ctier perl w r m ed 
another concerto on the bell, wt^n" 
xxfoa a gentleman ia the crowd catted 
out '^nukfina ; " which oceaeieaadaao* 
thor lauj^ 

*« GeiUkmea," said the Mayor, at aa 
lend a [at^ aa he could poesibiy Iwea 
his voice to^ '^ Gentlemen. Brother 
electcffs of the Borough of EataaswiUu 
We a^ met here to-day, Uar the put^ 
pose of efaaeeing a repiesentativa in 
the room of our late — '* 

Here the Mayor waa iniejanipted 
by a voice in the crowd. 

""Sue^cesa to the Mayor I'' died 
the voice, " and may he never desort 
the nail and sarspan busiaessy as he 
get his m<mey by.*' 

This allusion to the professional 
pursuits of the orator was received 
with a storm of delight, which, with a 
bell-accotnpanimwit, rendered the re- 
mainder et' his speech inaudible, with 
the exception of the cenclnding sen- 
tence, in which he thanked the meet* 
ing for the patient attmtion with 
which they had heard him through- 
out, — an expression of gratitude which 
elicited another burst of mirth, o£ 
about a quarter af an hour's duration. 

Next, a tall tlnn gentloman, in a 
very stiff white neckerchief, after be- 
ing repeatedly desired by the crowd 
to ^ send a bay home, to aek whether 
he hadn't left his woice under the 
pillow," begged to nominate a fit and 
proper person to represent them kk 
Parliament. And wh^ he said it waa 
Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fiikia 
Ledge, near Eatanswill,^ the Fiakift- 
ites applauded, and the Slumkeyitea 
groaaed, so long, and so kmdly, thai 
both he and the seconder might have 
sung comic songs in lieu of speaking, 
without anybody*s being a bit Um wiser. 

The firieads of HoraUo Fiikia, £a- 
qinre, having had their innings, a little 
choleric, pink-£M:ed man stood forward 
to propose another fit and proper pa> 
son to represent the electors <tf £atana- 
wiU in Parliament ; and very swint* 
mingly the pink-£need gentleman would 
have eot on, if he had not been rather 
too cnoleric to entertain a sufficient 
perception of the fun of the crowd. 



104 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



But after a very few sentences of 
figuratiye eloquence, the pink-faced 
gentleman got from denomicing those 
who interrupted him in the mob, to 
exchanging defiances with the gentle- 
men on the hustings ; whereupon arose 
an uproar which reduced hun to the 
necessity of expressing his feelings by 
serious pantomime, which he did, and 
then left the stage to his seconder, 
who delivered a written speech of half 
an hour's length, and wouldn*t be 
stopped, because he had sent it all to 
the Eatanswill Gazette, and the Eatans- 
will Grazetto had already printed it, 
every word. 

Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of 
Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, pre- 
sented himself for the purpose of ad- 
dressing the electors; which he no 
sooner did, than the band employed 
by the honourable Samuel Slumkey, 
commenced performing with a power 
to which their strength in the morn- 
ing was a trifle ; in return for which, 
^e Buff crowd belaboared the heads 
and shoulders of the Blue crowd { on 
which the Blue crowd endeavoured to 
dispossess themselves of their very un- 
pleasant neighbours the Buff crowd ; 
and a scene of struggling, and push- 
ing, and fighting, succeeded, to which 
we can no more do justice than the 
Mayor could, although he issued im- 
perative orders to twelve constables to 
seize the ring-leaders, who might 
amount in number to two hundred 
and fifty, or thereabouts. At all these 
encounters, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, 
of Fizkin Lodge, and his friends, 
waxed fierce and furious ; until at 
last Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin 
Lodge, begged to ask his opponent 
the honourable Samuel Slumkey, of 
Slumkey Hall, whether that band 
played by his consent ; which question 
the honourable Samuel Slumkey de- 
clining to answer, Horatio Fizkin, 
Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, shook his 
fist in the countenance of the hon- 
ourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slum- 
key Hall ; upon which the honour- 
able Samuel Slumkey, his blood being 
np, defied Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, to 
mortal combat At this violation of 



all known roles and precedents of or- 
der, the Mayor commanded another 
fantaeda on the bell, and declared that 
he would bring before himself, botb 
Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin 
Lodge, and the honourable Samuel 
Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, and bind 
them over to keep the peace. Upon 
this terrific denunciation, the support- 
ers of the two candidates intejrfered, 
and after the friends of each party had 
quarrelled in piurs for three-quarters 
of an hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, 
touched his hat to the honourable 
Samuel Slumkey : the honourable Sa- 
muel Slumkey touched his to Horatio 
Fizkin, Esquire : the band was stop- 
ped : the crowd were partially quieted : 
and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was per- 
mitted to proceed. 

The speeches of the two candidates, 
though differing in every other respect, 
affoided a beautiful tribute to the merit 
and high worth of the electors of Eat- 
answill. Both expressed their opinion 
that a more independent, a more en^ 
lightened, amore public-spirited, a more 
noble-minded, a more disinterested set 
of men than those who had promised 
to vote for him, never existed on 
earth ; each darkly hinted his suspi- 
cions that the electors in the opposite 
interest had certain swinish and be- 
sotted infirmities which rendered them 
unfit for the exercise of the important 
duties they were called upon to dis- 
charge. Fizkin expressed his readiness 
to do anything he was wanted ; Slum- 
key, his determination to do nothing 
that was asked of him. Both said 
that the trade, the manufactures, the 
commerce, the prosperity, of Eatan- 
swill, woidd ever be dearer to their 
hearts than any earthly object; and 
each had it in Ins power to state, with 
the utmost confidence, that he was the 
man who would eventually be returned* 

There was a show of hands; the 
Mayor decided in favour of the honour- 
able Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey 
Hall Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of 
Fizkin Lodge, demanded a poll, and a 
poll was fixed accordingly. Then a 
vote of thanks was moved to the Mayor 
for his able conduct in the chair ; and 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



105 



the Mayor devoaily wiehing that he had 
had a chair to display his able conduct 
in (for he had been standing during 
the wholeproceedings) returned thanks. 
The processions re-formed, the car- 
xiages rolled slowly through the crowd, 
and its members screeched and shouted 
alter them as their feelings or caprice 
dictated. 

During the whole time of the poll- 
ing, the town was in a perpetual fever 
of excitement. Everything was con- 
ducted on the most liberal and delight- 
ful scale. Exciseable articles were 
remarkably cheap at all the public 
houses ; and spring vans paraded the 
streets for the acconunodation of voters 
who were seized with any temporary 
dizziness in the head — an epidemic 
which prevailed among the electors, 



during the contest, to a most alanning 
extent,and under the influence of which 
they might frequently be seen lying on 
the pavements in a state of utter insen- 
sibility. A small body of electors re- 
mained unpolled on the very last day. 
They were calculating and reflecting 
persons, who had not yet been con- 
vinced by the arguments of either party, 
although they had had frequent con- 
ferences with each. One hour before 
the close of the poll, Mr. Perker soli- 
cited the honour of a private interview 
with these intelligent, these noble, 
these patriotic men. It was granted. 
His arguments were brief, but satis- 
factory. They went in a body to the 
poll ; and when they returned, the 
honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slum- 
key Hall, was returned also. 



CHAPTER XIV, 

COMPRISING ▲ BAIEF DESCRIPTION OP THE COMPANY AT THE PEACOCK 
ASSEMBLED ; AND A TALE TOLD BT A BAGMAN. 



It is pleasant to turn from contem- 
plating the strife and turmoil of 
political existence, to the peaceful 
repose of private life. Although in 
reality no great partisan of either 
nde, Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently 
fired with Mr. Pott's enthusiasm, to 
apply his whole time and attention to 
the proceedings, of which the last 
chapter affords a description com- 
piled from his own memoranda. Nor 
while he was thus occupied was Mr. 
Winkle idle, his whole time being 
devoted to pleasant walks and short 
country excursions with Mrs. Pott, 
who never failed, when such an oppor- 
tunity presented itself, to seek some 
relief from the tedious monotony she 
so constantiy complained of. The two 
gentiemen being thus completely do- 
mesticated in the Editor's house, Mr. 
Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were in a 
great measure cast upon their own 
resources. Taking but littie interest 
in public affairs, they beguiled their 
time chiefly with such amusements as 



the Peacock afforded, which were 
limited to a bagatelle-board in the first 
floor, and a sequestered skitde-ground 
in the back yard. In the science and 
nice^ of both these recreations, which 
are lar more abstruse than ordinary 
men suppose, they were gradually initi- 
ated by Mr. Weller, who possessed a 
perfect knowledge of such pastimes. 
Thus, notwithstanding that they were in 
a great measure deprived of the comfort 
and advantage of Mr. Pickwick's 
society, they were still enabled to 
beguile the time, and to prevent its 
hanging heavily on their lumds. 

It was in the evening, however, that 
the Peacock presented attractions 
which enabled the two friends to 
resist, even the invitations of the 
gifted, though prosy. Pott. It waa 
in the evening that the ''commer- 
cial room" was filled with a social 
circle, whose characters and mannera 
it was the delight of Mr. Tupman to ob- 
serve ; whose sayings and doings it was 
thehabit of Mr. Snodgrass to note down. 



106 



POSTHUMOUS PAF£BS OF 



Moit p eo p le know wihatmart of phese 
oomiierewl rooms nsneily axew That 
of tiM Feeeock dHfined in. no^oMitenel 
veipeut frem the goDeraBtj^ of snch 
apartaHBtB ; that is to say, it was a 
litfge faate-lookiBg roem, the fhrnitare 
of w^mk hvi so donbi been bettor 
w bm it was newer, with a qpaoioiia 
telile in ^a eeatrey aad a Tariety of 
emaUev fittoe in the corwan : aa. ei&> 
teneavB anortment of Tarionslytkaped 
ohoiffBy and an old Tnrkey carpet^ 
bearing abovt the same ndatcre pro- 

Kftion to the aiae of ibe neaa, aa a 
y'a poeket-handkefehiaC night to- 
the ilo«r of a watdi-bon. The waQs 
'gamiahed witii one or two large 
; and serenJ weather*beaten 
rengh great eoais^ wilii compKrated 
cape8, dangled from a long sow of 
pegs in one comer. The mantel shelf 
was ornamented with a wooden ink- 
stand, containing one stnmp of a pen 
and half a wafer: a road-book and 
directory : a county history minus the 
cover : and the mortal zenuuns of a 
trout in a glass coffin. The atmo- 
sphere was redolent of tobacco-amoke, 
the fumes of which had communicated 
a rather dingy hoe to the whole room, 
and more especially to the dnsty red 
cortatns which shaded the windows. 
On the sideboaid, a variety of miscel- 
kneoos articles were huddled together, 
the most conspieooHs of which were 
some very clovciy fish oanee croetB, 
a couple of driving-boaea^ two or three 
whips, and as many tnnreUing shawl^ 
a tray of knives and U&ka^ and the 
■mstard. 

Here it was thai Mr. Tnpnan and 
Mr. Snodsraas were seated on the 
evening aner the condnsion of the 
election, with several other temporary 
inmates of the house, smoking and 
drinking. 

<<Well gents/' said a atont, hale 
personage of abont forty, with only one 
eye — a very bright Madi eye, which 
twinkled with a rognlBh expression of 
fim- and good hnmour^ '' Onr noble 
selvee^ gentsw I always pn^ese that 
toast to the eompany, and' dimk Mary 
to myself. £h,M«ryl'' 

*> Get along with yea, yon wnteh,** 



said the hand-maiden, ofmonaly not 
in pleaaed with the eomphowB^ how- 



«Dan.'t go away, Mary," nid tibft 
black-eyed nuuk. 

« Let me aitae, in^perenee,," said tka 
young lady. 

** Never mmd," said the on&^ed 
man, calling after the girl as she left 
the roam. *^ I'll step out by and by, 
Macy. Keep your sinrita up, dear.'' 
Here he went through the net very 
dittenlt pvocew 9i winkiag upoB the 
eompany with hia aoKtary eye, to tha 
entfaaaiaatic delist of an elderly per- 
sonage with a dirty Saee and a- day 
pipe. 

^ ^ Bum ereetezB ia worara," aaad tha 
dirty-faeed man, after a pause. 

^ Ah I no mistake afeoat that," add 
a very red-faced man, behind a cigar. 

After this little bit of philosophy 
there was another pause. 

^ There*s rummer things than women 
in this world though, mind you/' said 
the man with the black eye, slowly 
filling a large Dutch pipe, with a most 
capacious bowL 

'^ Are you married ? " inquired the 
durty-faced man. 

«• Can't say I am." 

** I thoudit not." Here the dirty- 
&ced man fell into* extaeies of mirth at 
hia own retort, in which he was joined 
by a man of bland voice and phwnd 
countenance, who alwaya made it a 
point to agree with everybody. 

^ Women after all, gentlemen,** said 
the enthnsiaBtie Mr. Snodgrass, <*are 
the great piopa and cemfovts of our 
exiatenee." 

'*So they are," said the pUusid 
gentleraao. 

** When they're in a good humour," 
interposed the dirt}'-faced man. 

^ And thafa very true," aaid the 
placid ene. 

** I repudiate that qnalificaiien," 
said Mr. Soodgraas, whose tbeoghta 
were fast reverting to Emily Wai^e, 
** I repudiate it with disdain — ^with 
indignation. Show me the man who 
says anythhag against women, as 
women, and I boldly declare he is not 
a man." And Mr. Snodgrass took hia 



THE PICKWICK CLU& 



107 



cigar from liis mouth, and simck the 
table violently witliliii dmched fiat. 

" That's good saimd axgumeoty^' sud 
tike placid man. 

« Contaimng a position which I 
deny/' interrapted he of the dirty 
CQDntenaoce. 

" And there's certainly a very gseat 
deal o£ tratih in wHatyoa observe too, 
air/* eaid the phuad gentleman. 

''Your haatth, sir/' said the hag^- 
maa with the iDaisly eye, bestowing an 
approving nod on Mr. &iodgni8s. 

Mr. SnodgsasB acknowledgjed the 
compliment. 

<< I always like to hear a good argu- 
Bient," continued thabagman^ <<a sharp 
one, like this ; it's very improving ; 
but this little argument about women 
brought to my mind a story I have 
heard an old imcle of mine t^ the 
recollection of whttb^ just now, made 
me say there were rummer things than 
women to be met with, sometimes." 

^ I should like to heur that same 
story," said the red-faced man with 
the cigar. 

" Should you ! " was the only reply 
of the bagman,, who continued tosmoke 
with great vehemence. 

'^ So should I," said Mr. Tupman, 
speaking for the first time. lie was 
always anxious to increase his stock of 
Cixperience. 

^ Should yoftS Well then,.rU tell 
it. No I won't. I know you won't 
believe it," said the man witli the 
roguiah eye, making that organ look 
more roguish than ever. 

^If you say it's-, true, of course I 
shall," said Mr. Tiqpman. 

<< WeU,^upon that-understanding I'll 
tell it," replied the traveller. « Did 
you ever hear of the great commercial 
house of Bilson and Slum I But it 
doem't matter though, whether you 
did or. not, because. Siey retired from 
business long since. It's eighty years 
ago, since the drcumatance happened 
to & tcajreller for that house, faut he 
was a pMTticulaE friend of my uncle's ; 
awL my unde told the story to me. 
It^s a queec. namis.; but he used to 
call it 



THE BAGMAN'S STORY, 

and housed to tflll it, ssmething in 1^ 
way, 

" One wintez^a evening, about five 
o'clock, just aa it bega& to grow dusk, 
a man in a ^ might hanre be«a aeea 
urging his tired honse along the road 
which leadsacroasMarlboroughDowna, 
in the Erection of BnistoL I say he 
might have been eemi, and I have no 
doubt he would have beei^ if tunyliody 
but a blind man had happened to pass 
that way ; but tiie weather was- ao* bad, 
and the night so eiAd. and wet,, tiiai 
nothing was out but the water, uid so 
the traveUer jogged along in the middle 
of the road, lonesome and dreary 
enough. If any bagman of that day 
could have caught sight of the litde 
neckror-no&ing sort of gig, with a day- 
colouied body and red wheels, and the 
vixenish ill-tonpered, iast^oing bay 
mare, that looked like a cross between 
a butither's horse and a twopenny post- 
office pony, he would have known at 
once, that this txsaveller could, have 
beffli no other than Tom Smart, of the 
great house of Bilson and Slum, Cat- 
eaton Street, City. However,.as there 
was no ba^an to look on, nobody 
knew anything at all about the mattear ; 
and so Tom Smart and his day- 
coloured gig with the red wheds, and 
the vixenish mare with the fast paoe^ 
went on together, keeping the secret 
among them ; and nobody waa a bit the 
wiser., 

** There are many pleasanter places 
even in this dreary world, than Marl- 
borough Downs when it blows hard ; 
and if you throw in beside, a gloomy 
winter's evening, a miry and slippy 
road, and a pelting fall of heavy rain, 
and try the efiec^ by way of experi- 
ment, in your own proper person, you 
will experience the fuE force of this 
observation^ 

" The wind blew— not up the road 
or d(^vn it, though that's bad enough, 
but sheer across it, sending the rain 
slanting down like tiie lines they used 
to rule in the copybooks at school, to 
make the boys . slope well. For a 



108 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



moment it would die away, and the 
traveller would begin to delude him- 
self into the belief that, exhausted 
with its previous fury, it had quietly 
Uun itself down to rest, when, whoo ! 
he would hear it growling and whist- 
ling in the distance, and on it would 
come rushing over the hill-tops, and 
sweeping along the plain, gathering 
sound and strength as it drew nearer, 
until it dashed with a heavy gust 
against horse and man, driving the 
sharp rain into their ears, and its cold 
damp breath into their very bones ; 
and past them it would scour, far, far 
away, with a stunnins roar, as if in 
ridicule of their weakness, and tri- 
umphant in the consciousness of its 
own strength and power. 

''The bay mare splashed away, 
through the mud and water, with 
drooping ears : now and then tossing 
her head as if to express her disgust 
at this very ungentlemanly behaviour 
of the elements, but keeping a good 
pace notwithstanding, until a gust of 
wind, more furious uian any that had 
yet assailed them, caused her to stop 
suddenly, and plant her four feet 
firmly against the ground, to prevent 
her being blown over. It 's a special 
mercy tlmt she did this, for if she had 
been blown over, the vixenish mare 
was so light, and the gig was so light, 
and Tom Smart such a light weight 
into the bargain, that they must infal- 
libly have all gone rolling over and 
over together, untQ they reached the 
confines of earth, or until the wind 
fell ; and in either case the probability 
is, that neither the vixenish mare, nor 
the clay-coloured gig with the red 
wheels, nor Tom Smart, would ever 
have been fit for service again. 

'^ ' Well, damn my straps and whis- 
kers,' says Tom Smart, (Tom some- 
times had an unpleasant knack of 
swearing), <Danm my straps and 
whiskers,' says Tom, <if this ain't 
pleasant, blow me ! ' 

** You 11 very likely ask me, why, 
as Tom Smart had been pretty well 
blown already, he expressed this wish 
to be submitted to tiie same process 
again. I can't say— all I know is, that 



Tom Smart said so— or at least he 
always told my uncle he said so, and 
it 's just the same thing. 

'' ' Blow me,' says Tom Smart ; and 
the mare neighed as if she were pre- 
cisely of the same opinion. 

<<< Cheer up, old girl,' said Tom, 
patting the bay mare on the neck with 
the end of his whip. *It won't do 
pushing on, such a night as this ; the 
first house we come to we'll put up 
at, so the faster you go the sooner it 'a 
over. Soho, old girl — gentiy — ^gentiy.' 

<< Whether the vixenish mare was 
sufiidentiy well acquainted with the 
tones of Tom's voice to comprehend 
his meaning, or whether she found it 
colder stani^g still than moving on, 
of course I can 't say. But I can say 
that Tom had no sooner finished 
speaking, than she pricked up her 
ears, and started forward at a speed 
which made the day-coloured gig 
rattie till you would nave supposed 
every one of the red spokes was going 
to fly out on the turf of Marlborough 
Downs ; and even Tom, whip as be 
was, couldn't stop or check her pace, 
until she drew up, of her own accord, 
before a road-side inn on the right-hand 
side of the way, about half a quarter of 
a mile from the end of the Downs. 

^Tom cast a hasty glance at the 
upper part of the house as he threw 
the reins to the hostier, and stuck the 
whip in the box. It was a strange 
old place, built of a kind of shingle, 
inlaid, as it were, with cross-beams, 
with gable-topped windows projecting 
completely over the pathway, ahd a 
low door with a dark porch, and a 
couple of steep steps leading down 
into the house, instead of the modem 
fashion of half a dozen shallow ones, 
leading up to it. It was a comfort- 
able-looking pla<» tiiough, for there 
was a strong cheerful light in the bar- 
window, which shed a bright ray 
across tiie road, and even lijpted up 
the hedge on the other side ; and there 
was a TOd flickering light in the oppo- 
site window, one moment but faintiy 
discernible, and the next gleaming 
strongly through the drawn curtains, 
which intimated that a rousing fire 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



109 



was blazing within. Marking these 
little evidences with the eye of an expe- 
rienced traveller, Tom dismounted with 
as much agility as his half-frozen limbs 
would permit, and entered the house. 
^In less than five minutes' time, 
Tom was ensconced in the room op- 
posite the bar — the very room where 
he had imagined the fire blazing— be- 
fore a substantial matter-of-fact roaring 
fire, composed of something short of a 
bushel of coals, and wood enough to 
make half a dozen decent gooseberry- 
bushes, piled half way up the chimney, 
and roaring and crackling with a sound 
that of itself would have warmed the 
heart of any reasonable man. This 
was comfortable, but this was not all, 
for a smartly dressed girl, with a 
bright eye and a neat ande, was laying 
a very clean white cloth on the table ; 
and as Tom sat with his slippered feet 
on the fender, and his back to the 
open door, he saw a charming prospect 
of the bar reflected in the glass over 
the chimney-piece, with delightful rows 
of green bottles and gold labels, to- 
gether with jars of pickles and pre- 
serves, and cheeses and boiled hams, 
and rounds of beef, arranged on 
shelves in the most tempting and de- 
licious array. Well, tlus was com- 
fortable too ; but even this was not all 
•—for in the bar, seated at tea at the 
nicest posdble little table, drawn close 
up before the brightest possible little 
fire, was a buxom widow of somewhere 
about eight and forty or thereabouts, 
with a face as comfortable as the bar, 
who was evidently the landlady of the 
house, and the supreme ruler over all 
these agreeable possessions. There 
was only one drawback to the beauty 
of the whole picture, and that was a 
tall man — a very tall man — ^in a brown 
coat and bright basket buttons, and 
black whiskers, and wavy black hair, 
who was seated at tea with the widow, 
and who it required no great penetra- 
tion to discover was in a fair way of 
persuading her to be a widow no 
longer, but to confer upon him the 
privilege of atting down in that bar, 
for and durine the whole remainder of 
the term of his natural life. 



^ Tom Smart was by no^ means of 
an irritable or envious disposition, but 
somehow or other the tall man with 
the brown coat and the bright basket 
buttons did rouse what litde gaU he 
had in his composition, and did make 
him feel extremely indignant : the 
more especially as he could now and 
then observe, from his seat before the 
glass, certain little afibctionate famili- 
arities passing between the tall man 
and the widow, which sufficiently de- 
noted that the tall man was as high in 
favour as he was in size. Tom was 
fond of hot punch — I may venture to 
say he was very fond of hot punch — 
and after he had seen the vixenish 
mare well fed and well littered down, 
and had eaten every bit of the nice little 
hot dinner which the widow tossed up 
for him with her own hands, he just 
ordered a tumbler of it, by way of ex- 
periment. Now, if there was one thing 
in the whole range of domestic art, 
which the widow could manufacture 
better than another, it was this iden- 
tical article ; and the first tumbler 
was adapted to Tom Smart's taste 
with such peculiar nicety, that he or- 
deired a second with the least possible 
delay. Hot punch is a pleasant thing, 
gentiemen — an extremely pleasant 
Sling under any circumstances — ^but 
in that snug old parlour, before the 
roaring fire, with the wind blowing 
outside till every timber in the old 
house creaked again, Tom Smart found 
it perfectly delightful. He ordered 
another tumbler, and then another — I 
am not quite certain whether he didn't 
order another after that — but the 
more he drank of the hot punch, the 
more he thought of the tall man. 

*' ' Confound his impudence ! ' said 
Tom to himself, ' what business 
has he in that snug bar! Such an 
ugly villain too ! ' said Tom. ' If the 
widow had any taste, she might surely 
pick up some better fellow uian that.' 
Here Tom's eye wandered from the 
glass on the chinmey-piece, to the 
glass on the table ; and as he felt him- 
self becoming gradually sentimental, 
he emptied the fourth tumbler of punch 
and ordered a fifth. 



110 



POBTHUMOXJb PAPERS OF 



^ Tom Smart, gentlemen, had always 
been very moeh attached to the pubhc 
line. It had long been his ambition to 
stand in a bar of his own, in a green 
ooat, knee-cords, and tops. He had a 
great notion of taidng the chair at con- 
viTial dinnersyand he had often thought 
how well he conld preside in a room 
of his own in the talking way, and 
what a capital example he conld set to 
his customers in the driukii^ depart- 
ment. AU these things passed rapidly 
throogh Tom's mind as he sat drink- 
ing the hot punch by the soaring fire, 
and he felt very justly and properly 
i n di g nant that the tall man shonld be 
in a fair way of keeping such an excel- 
lent house, while he, Tom Smart, was 
as fSu* off irom it as ever. 80, after 
deliberatinf over the two last tnmblera, 
whether he hadn't a perfect right to 

£'ck a qoarrel with the tall man for 
wing contrived to get into ^tiie good 
sraces of the buxom widow, Tom 
Smart at last arrived at the satisfac- 
tory conclusion that he was a very 111- 
■sed and persecuted individnal, and 
had better go to bed. 

'^ Up a wide and ancient stairease 
the smart girl pseoeded Tom, shading 
the chamber candle wtAi her hand, to 
protect it from the eorreniB of air 
which in such a rambling old place 
might have found plenty of room to 
dii^ort themselves in, without blowing 
the candle out, but which did blow it 
ont nevertheless ; thus affoiding Tom's 
enemies an opportunity of asserting 
that it was he, and not the wind, who 
extingusBhed die candle, and that while 
he pretended to be blowing it a-li^t 
again, he was in fact kissing the gurL 
Be this as it may, another light was 
obtained, and Tom was oondneted 
through a maae of rooms, and a laby- 
rinth of passages, to the apartment 
whidi had been prepared for his re- 
ception, wliene-the giri bade him good 
lugfat, and kit him alone. 

** It wasa good large room with big 
dosets, and a -bed which might have 
■aii'ii id fop a whole boardiogHrahool, to 
■Of Biothingof a eoople of oaken presses 
maft ^rould hwe held the bagg a y 
of a small army ; Imt wiwt . otniek 



Tom's fancy most, was a strange, grim- 
looking, high*baisked ehair, carved in 
the most fantartic manner, with a 
flowered damask cushion, and the 
round knobs at iSse bottom of the Iqgs 
carefully tied up in led cloth, as if it 
had got tiie gout in its toes. Of any 
other queer chair^ Tom would only 
have thought it iocu a queer chair, and 
there would hwfe been an end of the 
matter ; bnt there was something 
about this particular chair, and yet he 
couldn't teU what it was, so odd and so 
unlike any other piece of furniture he 
had ever seen, tfiat it seemed to fasci- 
nate him. He sat down before the 
fire, and stared at the old chair for half 
an hour ; — Deuce take the chair, it was 
such a strange old thing, he couldn't 
take his eyes off it 

« * Well,' said Tom, slowly undress* 
ing himself, and staring at the old 
olutir all the while, wliich stood with 
a mysterious aspect by the bedside^ 
' I never saw such a rum concern as 
that in my days. Very odd,' said Tom, 
who had got rather sage with the hot 
punch, 'Very odd.' Tom shook his 
head with an air of profound wisdom, 
and looked at the chair again. He 
couldn't make anything of it though, 
so he got into bed, covered himself up 
warm, and fell asleep. 

^ In about half an hour, Tom woke 
up, with astart, fromacanfiised dream 
of tall men and ^milfleiiB of pmich : 
and the first object that presented 
itself to his waking hna g i m riion was 
the queer ehair. 

^^ * I won't look at tttmy more,' said 
Tom to himself, and he squeezed his 
eydids together, and triad to persuade 
himself -he was going to sieep again. 
No use ; notiiing but queer chairs 
danced before his ^ras, kicking up their 
legs, jumping over each other's baeka^ 
and playing all kinds 'of onties. 

^ < I may as well see one real chair, 
OS two or three eompieiB sets of &Iae 
ones,' said Tom, brineing out his head 
from nndsr thebed-elethes. There it 
was, plainly disoenaible by the light 
of the fire^ looking «b pnovehing as 
ever. 

« Tom gaMd at the chfthr^nid,siid- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



11] 



denly as be looked at it, a most extn^- 
ordinary change seemed to C(»ne over 
it. The carving of the back gradually 
assnmed the lineaments and exfiressioai 
of an old, diriveUed human face ; the 
damask cushion became an antique, 
fiaj^d waistcoat ; the round knobs 
^rew into a couple of feet, encased in 
red doih slippers ; and the whole chair 
looked like a very «gly old man, of the 
previous centoiy, with his arms a- 
kimbo. Tom sat up in bed, and rub- 
bed his eyes to dispel the illusion. No. 
The chair was an ugly old gentleman ; 
and what was move, he was winking at 
Tom Smart. 

*' Tom was natusaUy a headlong, 
careless soct of dog, and he had had 
ave tumblers of hot punch into the 
baacgafin ; so, although he was a little 
startled at first, he began to grew 
raUier indignant when he saw the old 
gentleman winking and leering at him 
with Eueh an impudent air. At length 
he resolved that he wouldn't stand it ; 
and as the old flEMse stiQ kept winking 
away as fast as ever, Tom said, in a 
very angry tone — 

<< ' What the devil axe you winking 
at me for 1 ' 

« 'Because I like it, Tom Smart,' 
said the chair .; or the old gentleman, 
whic^ver you like to call hi^ He 
stopped winking though, when Tom 
apoke, and began grinning like a super- 
ansuated me^Key. 

<< < How do you know my name, old 
nut-cracker face I ' iaqiured Tom 
Smart, rather staggered j — though he 
laetendBd to carry it off so welL 

<^ ^C^ma, eome Ton,' said the old 
gmtieHian, '^at's not the way to 
addiMss flolid Spanish Mahogany. 
Dam?me, you couldn't treat me with 
less respect if I was veneered.' When 
the old gentleman said tiiia,.^e looked 
so fierce thagt Tom be^gan to grow 



^*l didn't mean to treat jou with 
any dumspect, sir,' said Tom ; in a 
much humbkr tone than he had 
^okoBUittt first. 

<< < Well, well," said the old fallow, 
< {leiliaps not pnrhajipi not T«m — .* 



'* 'I knoweverythingabout yon, Tom ; 
everything. You're very poor Tom.' 

^ < I certainly am,' said Tom Smart 
< Bat how came you to know that I' 

" ' Never mind that,' said the M. 
gentleman ; < you're much too loud of 
punch, Tom.' 

'< Tom Smart was just on the point 
of protesting that he hadn't tasted a 
drop since ins last birth-day, but when 
his eye oieountened that ^ the old 
gentleman, be looked so knowii^g that 
Tom blushed, and was silent. 

*^ ' Tom,' said the old genfleiaan, 
' the widow's a fine woman — renuMrk- 
ably fine woman — eh, Tom ? ' Hene 
the old fellow sorewed up his eys^ 
cocked up one of his wasted litde le{g% 
and looked altogether so unpleasant^ 
amorous, that Tom was quite disgusted 
with ^e levity of his behovionr ;-^at 
his time of life, too ! 

^ M am her guardian, Toni,' said 
tiie old gentleman. 

^ < Ato you ! ' inquired Tom Smart 

'^ ' I knew her mother, Tom/ said 
the old fellow ; * and hergnmdmotfaer. 
She was very fond of me— made mcthis 
waistcoat, Tom.' 

<* * Did she ? ' said Tom Smart 

'''And these shoes,' saiZi the old 
fellow, itfting up one of the ved-«k>th 
mufflers ; ' but don't mention it, Tom. 
I shouldn't like to faavo it known that 
she was ao much attached to me. It 
m%ht occasion someui^easantness in 
the family.' When the old naoal said 
this, he looked flo exteemaly imper- 
tinent, Ihaty as Tom Smart -aftorwards 
declared, he could have sat upon him 
without jremorse. 

" ' I have been a gre^i favomite 
among the women in my time, Tom,' 
said the profligate old debaachee; 
' hundreds of fine woflSMU have sat in 
my lap for hoars togetfaar. What do 
you think of iSbat you dog* eh 1' The 
old gentleman was proeeeding to le- 
coimt some other eKpleatS'Of his yonlh, 
when he was seized with such a vio- 
lent fit of creaking that be was unahte 
to proceed. 

" 'Just serves you .r^gMy aid boy,' 
thought Tom Smart ; but he didif t say 
anything. 



T" 



w 



mm 



1 



]]2 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



1 



<< ' Ah !' sftid the old fellow, <I am 
a good deal troubled with this now. I 
am getting old Tom, and have lost 
nearly all my rails. I have had an 
operation pcorformed, too — a small 
piece let into my back — and I found it 
a severe trial, Tom.' 

** ' I dare say you did, sir/ said Tom 
Smart. 

** 'However/ said the old gentleman, 
'that's not the point. Tom! I want 
you to marry the widow.' 

«« Me, sir! 'said Tom. 

^ ' You ;' said the old gentleman. 

" * Bless your reverend locks,' 
said Tom — (he had a few scattered 
horse-luurs left) — 'bless your reve- 
rend locks, she wouldn't have me.' 
And Tom sighed involuntarily, as he 
thought of the bar. 

" * Wouldn't she r said the old gen- 
tleman, firmly. 

*«*No, no,' said Tom; 'there's 
somebody else in the wind. A tall 
man — a confoundedly tall man — ^with 
black whiskers.' 

" ' Tom,' said the old gentleman ; 
' she will never have him.' 

" ' Won't she I ' said Tom. * If you 
stood in the bar, old gentleman, you'd 
tell another story.' 

" ' Pooh, pooh,' said the old gentle- 
man. ' I know all about that.' 

" ' About what % * siud Tom. 

" ' The kissing behind the door, and 
all that sort of thing, Tom,' said the 
old gentleman. And here he gave an- 
other impudent look, which made Tom 
very wroth, because as you all know, 
gentlemen, to hear an old fellow, who 
ought to know better, talking about 
these things, is very unpleasant — ^no- 
thing more so. 

" ' I know all about that, Tom,' said 
the old gentleman. 'I have seen it 
done very often in my time, Tom, 
between more people tiian I should 
like to mention to you ; but it never 
came to anything after all.' 

" ' You must have seen some queer 
things,' said Tom, with an inquisitive 
look. 

" ' You may say that, Tom,' replied 
the old fellow, wi& a very complicated 
wink. *l am the last of my iamUy, 



Tom,' said the old gentleman, witli a 
melancholy sigh. 

" ' Was it a large one \ ' inqmred 
Tom Smart. 

" ' There were twelve of us, Tom,* 
said the old gentleman ; 'fine straight- 
backed, handsome fellows as you'd 
wish to see. None of your modem 
abortions — all with arms, and with 
a degree of polish, though I say it 
that should not, which would have 
done your heart good to behold.' 

" ' And what's become of the others, 
sir 1 ' asked Tom Smart 

" The old gentleman applied his 
elbow to his eye as he replied, ' Gone, 
Tom, gone. We had hard service, 
Tom, and they hadn't all my constitu- 
tion. They got rheumatic about tiie 
legs and arms, and went into kitchens 
and other hospitals ; and one of 'em, 
with long service and hard usage, 
positively lost his senses : — he got so 
crazy that he was obliged to be burnt. 
Shocking thing that, Tom.' 

" ' Dreadful ! * said Tom Smart. 

" The old feUow paused for a few 
minutes, apparently struggling with his 
feelings of emotion, and uen said, 

" ' However, Tom, I am wandering 
from the point. Tins tall man, Tom, 
is a rascally adventurer. The moment 
he married the widow, he would sell 
off all the furniture, and run away. 
What would be the consequence 1 She 
would be deserted and reduced to ruin, 
and I should catch my death of cold in 
some broker's shop.* 

" ' Yes, but—' 

" ' Don*t interrupt me,' said the old 
gentlenuin. ' Of you, Tom, I enter- 
tain a very different opinion ; for I well 
know that if vou once settled yourself 
in a public house, you would never 
leave it, as long as there was anything 
to drink within its walls.' 

"' I am very much obliged to you for 
your good opinion,sir,' said Tom Smart 

" ' Therefore,' resumed the old gentle- 
man, in a dictatorial tone ; 'you shall 
have her, and he shall not' 

"'What is to prevent it!' said Tom 
Smart, eagerly. 

" ' This disclosure,' replied the old 
gentleman; ' he is already married.' 



THE PICKWICK CLUB, 



113 



** * How can I prove it 1 * said Tom, 
starting half out of bedL 

*' The old gentleman untucked his 
arm from his side, and having pointed 
to one of the oaken presses, immediately 
replaced it, in its old position. 

« < He Uttle thinks,' said the old 
gentleman, 'that in the right hand 
pocket of a pair of trousers in that 
press, he has left a letter, entreating 
him to return to his disconsolate wife, 
with six — mark me, Tom — six babes, 
and all of them small ones.' 

" As the old gentleman solemnly 
uttered these words, his features grew 
less and less distinct, and his figure 
more shadowy. A film came over 
Tom Smart's eyes. The old man 
seemed gradually blending into the 
chair, the damask waistcoat to resolve 
into a cushion, the red slippers to 
shi'ink into little red doth bags. The 
light faded gently away, and Tom 
Smart fell back on his pillow, and 
dropped asleep. 

** Morning aroused Tom from the 
lethargic slumber, into which he had 
fallen on the disappearance of the old 
man. He sat up in bed, and for some 
minutes vainly endeavoured to recall 
the events of the preceding night. Sud- 
denly they rushed upon him. He 
looked at the chair ; it was a fantastic 
and grim-looking piece of furniture, 
certauily, but it must have been a re- 
markably ingenious and lively imagina- 
tion, that could have discovered any 
resemblance between it and an old man. 

** * How are you, old boy ? * said 
Tom. He was bolder in the daylight 
—most men are. 

^ The chair remained motionless, 
and spoke not a word. 

** * Miserable morning,' said Tom. 
No. The chair would not be di*awn 
into conversation. 

** * Which press did you point to ! — 
yon can tell me that,' said Tom. Devil 
ft word, gentlemen, the chair would say. 

^ ' It 's not much trouble to open it, 
any how,' said Tom, getting out of bed 
▼ery deliberately. He walked up to 
one of the presses. The key was in 
the lock ; he turned it, and opened the 
door. There totu a pair of trousers 

No. 8. 



there. He put his hand into the 
pocket, and drew forth the identical 
letter tiie old gentleman had described ! 

<' * Queer sort of thing, this,' said 
Tom Smart ; looking first at the chair 
and then at the press, and then at the 
letter, and then at the chair again. 
* Very queer,' said Tom. But, as were 
was nothing in either, to lessen the 
queemess,he thought he might as well 
dress himself, and settle the tall man's 
business at once — ^just to put him out 
of his misery. 

<' Tom surveyed the rooms he passed 
through, on his way down stairs, with 
the scrutinising eye of a landlord ; 
thinking it not impossible, that before 
long, they and tlieir contents would be 
his property. The tall man was stand- 
ing in the snug little bar, with his 
hiuads behind him, quite at home. He 
grinned vacantly at Tom. A casual 
observer might have supposed he did 
it, only to show his white teeth ; but 
Tom Smart thought that a conscious- 
ness of triumph was passing through 
the place where the tall man's mind 
would have been, if he had had any. 
Tom laughed in his face; and sum- 
moned the landlady. 

« < Good morning, ma'am,' said Tom 
Smart, closing the door of the little^ 
parlour as the widow entered. 

« < Good morning, sir,' said the- 
widow. *What will you take for- 
breakfast, sir ? ' 

** Tom was thinking how he should, 
open the case, so he made no answer. 

<< ' There's a very nice ham,' said 
the widow, ' and a beautiful cold larded 
fowl. Shall I send 'em in, sir ! ' 

'< These words roused Tom from 
his reflections. His admiration of the 
widow increased as she spoke. Thought- 
ful creature ! Comfortable provioer ! 

<' * Who is that gentleman in the 
bar, ma'am I ' inquired Tom. 

'< ' His name is Jinkins, sir,' said 
the widow, slightly blushing. 

<< < He 's a tall man,' said Tom. 

" < He is a very fine man, sir,' re- 
plied the widow, 'and a very nic© 
gentleman.' 

« « Ah I ' said Tom. 

^* * Is there anything more you want^ 

I 






114 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



sirl' inquired tb« widow, raliier 
puzzled by Tom's manner. 

«•< Why, yefl»' said Torn. <Sfydear 
ma'am, will yen hiire te kiBdaess to 
sit down for one meme n t t ' 

" The widMT looked noeh aoMUBed, 
bttt rile sat down, and Tom aat down 
too, elose beside her. I dont know 
how it happened^ gentlemen — indeed 
ray undo used to tell me thai Tom 
Smart sadd he &dnt knew hew it hnp- 
pened either — ^bixt somehow or 9mm 
the palm of Tom*s hand fell upon the 
back of the widow's hand, aadTemftLaed 
Iheiee wlnle he spoke. 

<« < My dear ma'aa,* said Tom Smart 
— ^he had aiwftyv a great notion of 
eonnmtting the amiftble — * My dear 
ma'am, you deserre a very exeeilent 
hnsband ; — ^vou do indeed.' 

** *■ Lor, snr I ' said the widow^aa 
well she might : Tom's mode of com* 
< menemg the oenversation being rather 
unusual, not to say startling : the fact 
of his noTor h«Ting set eyes upon her 
before the prerious nighty being taken 
into ccmsideration. * Lor, nr ! ' 

<*<! soom to flatter, my dear 
ma^am,* said Tom Smart. < You de* 
serve a very admirable husband, and 
whoever he is, he'll be a vary lucky 
man.' As Tcm said this, hia eye 
involuntarily wandeved from the 
widow's face, to the comforts around 
him. 

^ The widow looked more pooAed 
than ever, and made an effort to rise. 
Tom gently p r ess e d her hand, as if to 
detain her, and she kept her seat 
Widows, gentiemen, are not usually 
timorous^ as my uncle used to say. 

^<I am sure I am yetj much 
obli^ to ^ott, shr, for your good 
opinion,' said the buxom landkdy, 
half lauf^iing ; 'and if eiver I marry 
again'-— 

<<<7jr,' said Tom Smart, looking 
▼cry shrewdhr out at tiie right-hand 
comer of his left m. < If ' — 

^ < WeU,' said tito widow, kugfamg 
tmtright this time. < If Aea I do, I 
hope I shall hare as good a husband as 
you describe.' 

«< Jinkinsto wit,'said Tom. 

^^ Lo^ sir 1 ' exclaimed the widow. 



« < Ob, don't tell me,' said Tom, ' I 
know him.' 

<*'! am sure nobody who knows 
him, knows anjrthing bad of him,' said 
the widow, l»idling up at the myste^ 
rioos air with wfai^ Tom had spoken. 

<<< Hem r said Tom Smart. 

^ The widow began to tlunk it was 
high time to cry, so she took out her 
handkevehiel^ and inquired whether 
Tom imiked to insult her : whether ho 
thenght it like a gentleman to take 
away the character of aaoiher gentle- 
man b^nd his back : why, if he had 
got anythang to say, he didn't say it to 
the man, li& a man, instead of terri- 
fying a poor weak woman in tliat way ; 
uid so forth. 

«< I 'H say it to hhtt &st enough,' 
said Tem, < only I want you to hear it 
first.' 

<<< What is it 1 Mnquired the widow, 
looking intently in Tom's contenance. 

<<a'll astonish you,' said Tom, 
putting his hand in his pocket. 

<^ < If it is, that he wants money,' 
said the widow, < I know that already, 
ai^ you needn't trouble yoorseH.' 

« < Pooh, nonsense, that 's nothing,* 
said Tom Smart ; < / want money. 
'Tan't that' 

**<0h dear, what can it be!' ex- 
danned the poor widow. 

**« Don't be frightened,* said Tom 
Smart He slowly drew forth the 
letter, and unfolded it <You w<m't 
scream f ' said Tom, doubtfully. 

** * No, no,' replied the widow ; < let 
me see it' 

«* « You won*t go fittntiag away, or 
any of that nonsense 1 ' said Tom. 

'^'No^ no,' returned the widow, 
hastily. 

"" *■ And don't run out, and blow him 
np^' said Tom, * because I'll do all 
that for you ; you had better not 
exert yourself.' 

««< Well, wen,* said Uie widow, Met 
me see it* 

*<* I will,* replied Tom Smart ; and, 
with these weeds, he placed the letter- 
in the widow's hand. 

**• Gentlemen, I have heaord ray undc 
say, that Tom Smart said, the widew'a 
when die heard the 



^ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



115 



Closure would have pierced a heast of 
«(toB.e. Tom was certainly very tender- 
faeartedy but they pierced hte, to tike 
"^Kery core^ The wkIow rocked herself 
to and fro, and wrung her hands* 

" ^Oh, the deception aaad viihuny of 
man ! * said the widow* 

'' ' Fiagbtful^ my dear ma'am ; but 
•compose yoursetf,* said Tom Smart. 

<''0h^ I eas't eorapoae myself," 
shrieked the widow. 'I shall never 
find any one else I can love so much ! ' 

** * Oh yes you will, my dear soul/ 
t9atd Tom Smart, letting fall a shower 
«f the lar;^t sized tears, in pity for 
the widow's miflfiDrtimefl. Tom Smart, 
in the. energy of his compassion, had 
put his arm. rovnd the widow's waist ; 
and ti» widow, in a passion of grief, 
had clasped Tom's hand. She looked 
«p in Tom's faee, and smiled through 
hex tears. Tom looked down in li«r-8, 
and smiled through Ms. 

^ I never could find out, gentlemen, 
whether Tom. did or did not kiss the 
widow at that particidarmomMit. He 
used to tdA my undo he didn't, but 
I have my doubts abovtt it. Between 
ourselves, gentlemen^ I rather liiink he 
did. 

''At all events, Touk kicked the 
very tall man out at Ibe ftont door 
liatf an hour after,^ and married the 
widow a mcH^ after. And he used 
to drive about the country, with the 
dbi.y-ciriouE»d gig with the red wheek^ 



and the vixenish mare witii the fast 
pace, till he gave up business many 
years afterwards, and weirt to France 
widi his wife ; and then the old house 
was palled down.'* 



^ Will you allow me to ask you,^'* 
said the inquisitive old gentleman, 
** what bectune of the dudr I " 

" Why," replied the one-eyed bagw 
man, '' it was observed to creak very 
much on the day of the wedding ; birt 
Tom Smart couldn't say for certain, 
whetiier it was with pleasure or bodiVy 
in&rmity. He rather tiiought'it was 
the latter, though, ic^ it never spoke 
afterwards." 

« Everybody believed the stety, 
didn't they!" said the dirty.faced 
man, re^^ing his pipe. 

" Except Tom's enemies," replied 
the bagman. ^ Some of *<em said Tom 
invented it altogether ; and others 
said he was drusk, and fancied it, 
and got hold of the wrong trousers by 
mistake befdre be went to bed. But 
nobody ever minded what ikey sud." 

^ Tom said it was all true !" 

« Every word," 

« And your uncle T** 

«« Every letter." 

<< They* must have been nice me% 
both of *em ;" said the. dirty^&ced 
man. 

** Yes, they were," replied tfcc ha^ 
man ; ^ very nice men indeed ! " 



CHAPTER XV. 



a wsicH 18 Qimm ▲ faithful pobtraxtubb of two niSTmauisRED per« 

SONS; AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC SB&AKFAST IN THEIR 
HOUSE AND CUWUNBS : WBiGH- PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE RBC06« 
lOmai OF AN OLD ACqUAINTANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ANOTHER 
CHAnSR. 



^Ma» Pi^wickf s conscience had been 
somewhat reproadyng him, £ar his 
raoent n^ect of his friends at ihe 
Peacock ; and he was just on the point 
of walking forth in ^est of them, on 
the third monung after tlie election 
had terminated^ when hia fikithM valet 



put into has hand a oard^ on which 
engraved the following inscr^pliea. 

Mvft. JLta Stttiter. 

3%eJDen, JSaUmtwiU. 
«< Person's a waHin'," said 



116 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



^ Does the person want me^ Sam ! " 
inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

<< He wants you particklar ; and no 
one else '11 do, as the Devil^s private 
secretai^ said, yen he fetched avay 
Doctor Faustus," replied Mr. Weller. 

^ He. Is it a gentlenmu ! " said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

<< A wery good imitation o* one, if it 
an't," replied Mr. Weller. 

«But this is a lady's card/' sud 
Mr. Pickwick.. 

« Given me by a gen'lm'n, how- 
soever/* replied Sam, <<and he's a 
waitin* in the drawing-room — said he'd 
rather wait all day, than not see you." 

Mr. Pickwick on hearing this deter- 
mination, descended to the drawing- 
room, where sat a grave man, who 
started up on his entrance, and said, 
with an air of profound respect — 

" Mr. Pickwick, I presume I " 

« The same." 

^^ Allow me, sir, the honour of 
grasping your hand — permit me, sir, to 
shake it/' said the grave man. 

^Certoinly," said Mr. Pickwick. 

The stranger shook the extended 
hand, and then continued. 

^ We have heard of your fame, sir. 
The noise of your antiquarian discus- 
sion has reached the ears of Mrs. Leo 
Hunter — my wife, sir ; / am Mr, Leo 
Hunter" — ^the stranger paused, as if 
he expected that Mr. Pickwick would 
be overcome by the disclosure ; but 
seeing that he remained perfectly calm, 
proceeded. 

<* My wife, sir — ^Mrs. Leo Hunter — 
is proud to number among her acquain- 
tance, all those who have rendered 
themselves celebrated by their works 
and talents. Permit me, sir, to place 
in a conspicuous part of the list, the 
name of Mr. Pickwick, and his brother 
members of the club that derives its 
name from him." 

^I shall be extremely happy to 
make the acquaintance of such a lady, 
sir," replied Mr. Pickwick, 

^ You tkdll make it, sir," said the 
grave man. ^To morrow morning, 
sir, we give a public breakfiist — ^a fite 
champetre — to a great number of those 
who have rendered themselves cele- 



brated by their works and talents. Per- 
mit Mrs. Leo Hunter, sir, to have the 
gratification of seeing you at the Den.** 

^ With great pleasure," replied Mr. 
Pickwick. 

<<Mrs. Leo Hunter has many of 
these breakfasts, sir," resumed the 
new acqmuntance — ^* < feasts of reason, 
sir, and flows of soul,' as somebody 
who wrote a sonnet to Mrs. Leo Hunter 
on her breakfiEhsts, feelingly and origi- 
nally observed." 

^ Was he celebrated for his works, 
and talents 1 " inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

<<He was, sir," repUed the grave 
man, << all Mrs. Leo Hunter's acquain- 
tance are ; it is her ambition, sir, to 
have no other acquaintance." 

^ It is a very noble ambition," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

" When I inform Mrs. Leo Hunter, 
that that remark fell from your lips, 
sir, she will indeed be proud," said the 
grave man. ^< You have a gentleman 
in your train, who has produced some 
beautiful little poems, I think, sir." 

<<My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a 
great taste for poetry," replied Mr. 
Pickwick. 

'< So has Mrs. Leo Hunter, sir. She 
dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it ; 
I may say that her whole soul and 
mind are wound up, and entwined with 
it. She has produced some delightful 
pieces, herself, sir. You may have 
met with her 'Ode to an expiring 
Frog,' sir." 

« I don't think I have," 4Baid Mr. 
Pickwick. 

''You astonish me, sir," said Mr. 
Leo Hunter. " It created an immense 
sensation. It was signed with an ' L ' 
and eight stars, and appeared originally 
in a Lady's Magazine. It commenced 

* Can I view thee panting, lylno; 

On thy stomach, without siafaing; 

Can I unmoved see thee dying 

On a log, 
Expiring ftog I*" 

<« Beautiful !" said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Fine," said Mr. Leo Hunter, «so 
simple.*' 

« Very," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" The next verse is still more toucfa« 
mg. Shall I repeat it 1" 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



117 



** If you please/' said Mr. Pickwick. 
^ It runs thus," said the grave man, 
Btill more graTcly, 

* Sajt have fiends in shape of boys, 
With wild halloo, and brutal noise, 
Hunted thee from marshy joys, 

With a dog, 
Expiring frog!"* 

« Finely expressed/' said Mr. Pick- 
wick 

«< All point, sir, all point," said Mr. 
Leo Hunter, ^< but you shall hear Mrs. 
Leo Hunter repeat it She can do jus- 
tice to it, sir. She will repeat it, in 
character, ar, to-morrow morning." 

« In character I " 

^ As Minerva. But I forgot — ^it's a 
fancy dress breakfast." 

"Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, 
glancing at his own figure — ^^ I can't 
possibly" — 

^ Can't, far ; can't ! " exclaimed Mr. 
Leo Hunter. ^ Solomon Lucas, the 
Jew in the High Street, has thousands 
of fancy dresses. Consider, sir, how 
many appropriate characters are open 
for your selection* Plato, Zeno, Epi- 
curus, Pythagoras — all founders of 
dubs." 

*< I know that," said Mr. Pickwick, 
^ but as 1 cannot put m3rself in com- 
petition with those great men, I can- 
not presume to wear their dresses." 

The grave man considered deeply, 
for a few seconds, and then said, 

•* On reflection, sir, I don't know 
whether it would not afiford Mrs. Leo 
Hunter greater pleasure, if her guests 
saw a gentleman of your celebrity in 
his own costume, rather than in an 
assumed one. I may ventmoe to pro- 
mise an exception in your case, sir — 
yes, I am quite certain that on behalf 
of Mrs. Leo Hunter, I may venture to 
do so." 

^' In that case," said Mr. Pickwick, 
^ I shall have great pleasure in com- 
ing." 

*^ But I waste your time, sir," said 
the grave man, as if suddenly recol- 
lecting himself. ^<I know its value, 
sir. I will not detain you. I may tell 
Mrs. Leo Hunter, then, that she may 
confidently expect you and your dis- 
tinguished friends ] Good morning. 



sir, I am proud to have beheld so emi- 
nent a personage— not a step, sir ; not 
a wora." And without giving Mr. 
Pickwick time to o£fer remonstrance 
or denial, Mr. Leo Hunter stalked 
gravely away. 

Mr. Pickwick took up his hat, and 
repaired to the Peacock, but Mr. 
mnkle had conveyed the intelligence 
of the fancy ball there, before him. 

** Mrs. Pott 's going," were the first 
words with which he Kduted his leader. 

^ Is she t " said Mr. Pickwick. 

« As ApoUo/' replied Mr. Winkle. 
*' Only Pott objects to the tunic." 

^ He is right. He is quite right|" 
said Mr. Pickwick emphatically. 

** Yes ; — so she 's going to wear a 
white satin gown with gold spangles." 

** They '11 hardly know what she 's 
meant for ; will they I " inquired Mr. 
Snoc^rass. 

« Of course they will," replied Mr. 
Winkle mdignantiy. «< They'll see her 
lyre, won't &ey 1 " 

<< True ; I forgot that," said Mr. 
Snodgrass. 

<^ I shall go as a Bandit," interposed 
Mr. Tupman. 

« What ! " said Mr. Pickwick, with 
a sudden start. 

*< As a bandit," repeated Mr. Tup« 
man, mildly. 

^ You don't mean to say," said Mr. 
Pickwick, gazing with solemn stem* 
ness at his friend, ^ You don't mean 
to say, Mr. Tupman, that it is your 
intention to put yourself into a green 
velvet jacket, with a two-inch tail ! " 

^ Such is my intention, sir," replied 
Mr. Tupman warmly. '^ And why noty 
sirl" 

^ Because, mr," said Mr. Pickwick, 
considerably excited. << Because you 
are too old, sir." 

«Too old!" exclaimed Mr. Tup. 
man. •- 

<< And if any further ground of ob« 

i'ection be wanting," continued Mr. 
Pickwick, ** you are too fat, sir." 

"Sir," said Mr. Tupman, his face 
suffused witii a .arimson glow. " This 
is an insult." 

« Sir," replied Mr. Pickwick hi the 
same tone, << It is not half the insult to 



118 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



yoa, that joar ttppearance in my pre- 
MBce in a green Telvet jacket, with a 
two>inch tail, woald be to me." 

** Sir," said Mr. Tupman, << yon*re a 
feHow." 

«Sir/» aaid Mr. Pickwick, "you're 
another ! " 

Mr. Tupman advanced a step or 
two, and glared at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. 
Pickwick retomed the glare, concen- 
trated into a focoB by means of his 
spectacles, and breathed a bold defi- 
ance. Mr. Snodgraas and Mr. Winkle, 
looked on, petniied at beholding each 
a scene between two such men. 

«Sir," said Mr. Tnpman, alter a 
short pause, speaking in a low, deep 
Yoioe, "you have called me old." 

« I have," said Mr. Pickwick. 

« And fat." 

" I reiterate the cfaaif^." 

"AndafeUow." 

"So you are!" 

Tliere was a f earfcd paose. 

"My attachment to your person, 
sir," said Mr. Tupman, speaking in a 
voice tremulous with emotion, and 
tucking up his wristbands meamvfaile, 
" is great — ^very great — ^but upon that 
person, I must take summary venge- 
ance." 

" Come on, sor !" replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. Stimulated by the exciting 
nature of the dialogue, the heroic man 
actually threw himself into a pandytic 
attitude, confidently supposed by the 
two by-standers to have been intended 
as a posture of defence. 

"What!" exobfaned Mr. Snod- 
gnus, suddenly reoovering the power 
of speech, of which intense astonish- 
ment had previously bereft him, and 
rushing between the two, at the im- 
minent hazard of receiving an applica- 
tion on the temple from each, " What! 
Mr. Pickwick, with the eyes of the 
world upon you I Mr. Tupnom ! who, 
in common with us all, derives a lustre 
from his undying name ! For shame, 
gentlemen; for shame." 

The unwonted lines which moment- 
ary passion had rulud in Mr. Pick- 
wick's clear and open brow, gradually 
melted away, as his youngfriend spoke, 
like the marks of a black-lead pencil 



beneath the softening influence of India 
rubber. His countenance had resumed 
its usual benign expression, ei*e he con- 
cluded. 

" I have been hasty," said Mr, Pick- 
wick, " veiy hasty. Tupman ; your 
hand." 

The dark shadow passed from Mr. 
Tupman's face, as he warmly grasped 
the hand of his friend. 

*< I have been hasty, too," said he. 

"No, no," interrupted Mr. Pick- 
wick, " the fault was mine. You will 
wear the green velvet jacket ! " 

" No, no," replied Mr. Tupman. 

" To oblige me, you will," resumed 
Mr. Pickwick. 

« Well, well, I will," said Bir. Tup- 
man. 

It was accordingly settled that Mr. 
Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. &iod-> 
grass, should all wear fancy dresses. 
Thus Mr. Pickwick was led by tiie 
very warmth of his own good feetinga 
to give his consent to a proceeding 
from which his better judgment would 
have recorled— a more striking ittus- 
tratien of his amiable character could 
hardly have been conceived, even if 
the events recorded in these pages had 
been wholly imaginary. 

Mr. Leo Hunter had not exaggsnrted 
the resources of Mr. Solomon Lucas. 
His wardrobe was extensive — very 
extensive — not strictly elassioal per- 
hi^, nor quite new, nor did it contain 
any one sannent made precisely after 
tlie fashion of any age or time, bat 
everything was mors or less ^Mogled ; 
and what can be prattier than span- 
gles ! It may be obiected that they 
are not adapted to uie daylight, but 
eiwybody knows that they would 
glitter if there were lamps ; and no- 
thing can be clearer than tiiat if people 
give fancy balls in the day-tnne, and 
the dresses do not show quite as well 
as they would by night, the fault lies 
solely with the people who give the 
fancy balls, and is in no wise charge- 
able on the spangles. Such was the 
convincing reasoning of Mr. Solomon 
Lucas ; and influenced by such argu- 
ments did Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle^ 
and Mr. Snodgray, engage to anay 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



lir 



ibemselves in eoatemes ^idi his tasto 
and experifflioe indneed fakn to recom- 
mend as admirably smted to the occa- 
sion. 

A carriage was hired tram the Town 
Arms, for the aoceinmodation of the 
PickwickianSy and a chariot was or- 
dered from the same repository, for 
the purpose of conveymg Mr. and Mrs. 
Pott to Mrs. iico Himter's gromids, 
which Mr. Pott, as a d^cate acknow- 
ledgment of haring received an invi- 
tation, had already confidently pre- 
dicted in the EiEbtanswill Gazette 
** would presoit a scene of varied and 
delicious enchantment — a bewildering 
coruscation of beauty and talent — ^a 
lavish and prodigal display of hospi- 
tality — above all, a degree of splendour 
softened by the most exquisite taste ; 
and adommmt refined with perfect 
harmony and the chastest good-keep- 
ing — compared with whidi, the fabled 
gorgeousness of Eastern Fairy Land 
itself, would appear to be elothed in as 
many dark and murky colours, as 
must be the mind of' the i^lenetic and 
unmanly being who comld presume to 
taint with the venom of his envy, the 
preparatioKis maJdng by the virtuous 
and highly distmguiahed lady, at whose 
akrine this knmUb tribute of admirft- 
tion was offered." This last was a 
piece of biting sarcasm against the 
Independent, who ki consequence of 
not having been invited at all, had 
been ^urough fdnr numbers affeoting 
to sneer at the whole afikir, in his very 
largest type, with all ihe adjectives in 
cflj^tal letters. 

Xfae moming came ; it was a plea- 
sant sight to behold Mr. Topman in 
{uU Brigand's eostume, with a very 
tight jacket, sitting like a pineudiion 
over has back and dioulders : the 
upper paottioB of his legs encased in 
Ihe velvet shorta, and the iower part 
thereof swathed in lihe eompfioatod 
bandages to wkieh all Brigands are 
peculiarly attached. It was pleasing 
to see his open and ing^mous counte- 
nance, weU mnstaofaioed and cosJced, 
lookn^ out from an open shist collar ; 
and to oontemplate the sugar-loaf hat, 
decorated with ribbons of all colours, 



wlueh he was compelled to carry on 
his knee, inasmudi as no known con- 
veyance with a top to it, would admit 
of any man's earrykkg it between his 
head and the roof. Equally humour- 
ous and agreeable, was tiie appearance 
of Mr. Snodgrass in blue satin trunks 
and doak, white silk tights and i^oes, 
and Greciui hefanet : which everybody 
knows (and if they do not, Mr. Solo- 
mon Lucas did) to have been the 
regular, authentic, every-day costume 
of a Troubadour, from the eiu^iest ages 
down to the time of their Imal disap^ 
pearanee from the face of the earth. 
All this was pleasant, but this was as 
nothing compared with the shouting of 
the populace when the cairiage drew 
up, behind Mr. Pott's chariot, which 
chariot itself drew up at Mr. Pott's 
door, which door itself opened, and 
displayed the great Pott aoceutred as 
a Russian officer of justice, with a tre> 
mendous knout in his hand — tastefully 
topical of the stem and mighty power 
c^ the Eatanswill Gazette, and the 
fearful lashings it bestowed on public 
offenders. 

^ Bravo ! " flouted Mr. Tupraan 
and Mr. Snodgraae from t&e jMssage, 
when ih&j beheld the walking allegory. 

<< Bravo ! " Mar. Pickwick was heard 
to reclaim, frcmi the passage. 

" Hoo-^roar Pott !" sho^ied ihe po- 
pulace. Amid these sahitataons, Mr. 
Pott, nuihng with that kind of bland 
dig^y which sufficiently testified that 
he lielt his power, and knew how to 
exert it, got into the chariot 

Then there emerged from the house, 
Mrs. Fx>tt, who would have looked very 
like Apollo if she hadn't had a gown 
on : conduoted by Mr. Winkle, who 
in his lightered coat, could not possibly 
have been mistaken for anything but 
a sportsman, if he had not borne an 
equal resnnblanoe to a general post- 
man. Last of all, came Mr. Pickwidc, 
whom the hoys applauded as loudly as 
anybody, probably under the impres- 
sion that his tights and gaiters were 
seme iwmnants of the dark ages ;^«^d 
then the two vehicles proceeded to- 
wards Mrs. Leo Hunter's : Mr. Wetler 
(who was to assist in waiting) being 



120 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



stationed on die box of that in which 
his master was seated. 

Every one of the men, women, boys, 
girls, and babies, who were assembled 
to see the visitors in their fancy 
dresses, screamed with delight and 
ecstasy, when Mr. Pickwick, with the 
Brigand on one arm, and the Trouba- 
dour on the other, walked solemnly np 
the entrance. Never were such shouts 
heard, as those which greeted Mr. 
Tupman's efforts to fix the sugar-loaf 
hat on his head, by way of entering 
the garden in stylei 

The preparations were on the most 
delightnil scale ; fully realising the pro- 
phetic Pott's anticipations about the 
gorgeousness of Eastern Fairy-land, 
and at once affording a sufficient 
contradiction to the malignant state- 
ments of the reptile Independent. The 
grounds were more than an acre and 
a quarter in extent, and they were 
filled with people I Never was such 
a blaze of beauty, and fashion, and 
literature. There was the young lady 
who ** did " the poetry in &.e Eatans- 
will Gazette, in the garb of a sultana, 
leaning upon the arm of the young 
gentleman who *' did " the review de- 

Sartment, and who was appropriately 
abited in a field marshal's uniform — 
the boots excepted. There were hosts 
of these geniuses, and any reasonable 
person would have thought it honour 
enough to meet them. But more than 
these, there were half a dozen lions 
from London — authors, real authors, 
who had written whole books, and 
printed them afterwards — and here 
you might see 'em, walking about, 
like ordinary men, smiling, and talk- 
ing — aye, and talking pretty consider- 
able nonsense too, no doubt with the 
benign intention of rendering them- 
selves intelligible to the common 
people about them. Moreover, there 
was a band of music in pasteboard 
caps ; four something-ean singers in 
the costume of their country, and a 
dozen hired waiters in the costume of 
their country — and very dirty costume 
toot And above all, there was Mrs. 
Leo Hunter in the character of 
Minerva^ receiving the company, and 



overflowing with pride and gratification 
at the notion of having called such dis* 
tinguished individuals together. 

'* Mr. Pickwick, ma'am," said a 
servant, as that gentleman approached 
the presiding goddess, with his hat in 
his hand, and the Brigand and Trou- 
badour on either arm. 

« What ! Where 1 " exchumed Mrs. 
Leo Hunter, starting up, in an affected 
rapture of surprise. 

" Here," said Mr. Pickwick. 

^'Is it possible that I have really 
the gratification of beholding Mr. 
Pickwick himself 1" ejaculated Mrs, 
Leo Hunter. 

**No other, ma'am," replied Mr. 
Pickwick, bowing very low. ** Permit 
me to introduce my^ friends — Mr. 
Tupman — Mr. Winkle — Mr. Snod* 
grass — to the authoress of < The 
Expiring Frog.' " 

Very few people but those who have 
tried it, know what a difiicult process 
it is, to bow in green velvet smalls, 
and a tight jacket, and high-crowned- 
hat : or in blue satin trunks and white 
silks : or knee-cords and top-boots that 
were never made for the wearer, and 
have been fixed upon him without tlie 
remotest reference to the comparative 
dipiensions of himself and the suit* 
Never were such distortions as Mr. 
Tupman's frame underwent in his 
efforts to appear easy and graceful — 
never was such ingenious posturine, 
as his fancy-dressed friends exhibited. 

**Mr, Pickwick," said Mrs. Leo 
Hunter, <<I must make you promise 
not to stir from my side the whole day* 
There are hundreds of people here, that 
I must positively introduce you to." 

<' You are very kind, ma'am," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

^ In the first place, here are my little 
girls ; I had almost forgotten tiiem," 
said Minerva, carelessly pointing 
towards a couple of full-grown young 
ladies, of whom one might be about 
twenty, and the other a year or two 
older, and who were. dressed in very 
juvenile costumes — whether to make 
them look young, or their mamma 
younger, Mr. Pickwick does not dis- 
tinctly inform us. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



121 



^They are very b«autifiil/' said 
Mr. Pickwick, as the juveniles turned 
away, after being presented. 

'< They are very like their mamma, 
air," said Mr, Pott, majestically. 

^ Oh you naughty man," exclaimed 
Mrs. Leo Hunter, playfully tapping 
the Editor^s arm with her fan (Minerva 
with a fan I) 

" Why now, my dear Mrs. Hunter," 
said Mr. Pott, who was trumpeter in 
ordinary at the Den, ^ you know that 
when your picture was in the Exhi- 
bition of the Royal Academy, last 
year, everybody inquired whether it 
was intended for you, or your youngest 
daughter ; for you were so much alike 
that there was no telling the difference 
between you." 

** Well, and if tiiey did, why need 
you repeat it, before strangers 1 " said 
Mrs. Leo Hunter, bestowing another 
tap on the slumbering lion of the 
Eatanswill Gazette. 

" Count, Count," screamed Mrs. 
Leo Hunter to a well-whiskered indi- 
vidual in a foreign uniform, who was 
passing by. 

** Ah ! you want me 1 " said the 
Count, turning back. 

"I want to introduce two very 
clever people to each other," said 
Mra Leo Hunter. ^ Mr. Pickwick, 
I have great pleasure in introducing 
you to Count Smorltork." She added 
in a hurried whisper to Mr. Pickwick 
— ^<'the famous foreigner — gathering 
materials for his great work on Eng- 
land — ^hem ! — Count Smorltork, Mr. 
J*ickwick." 

Mr. Pickwick saluted tiie Count 
with all the reverence due to so great 
a man, and the Count drew forth a set 
of tablets. 

" What you say, Mrs. Hunt 1 " in- 
quired the Count, smiling graciously 
on the gratified Mrs. Leo Hunter, 
** Pig Vig or Big Vig — what you call 
— Lawyer — eh 1 I see— that is it. 
Big Vig" — ^and the Count was pro- 
ceeding to enter Mr. Pickwick in his 
tablets, as a gentieman of the long- 
robe, who derived his name from the 
profession to which he belonged, when 
Mrs. Leo Hunter interposed. 



^No, no, Count/* said the lady, 
« Pick-wick." 

*' Ah, ah, I see," replied the Count 
^ Peek — christiMi name ; Weeks-^ 
surname; good, ver good. Peek Weeks. 
How you do Weeks I " 

'* Quite well, I thank you," replied 
Mr. Pickwick, with all his usual affa- 
bility. ^ Have you been long in Eng- 
land?" 

" Long — ver long time — fortnight 
— more." 

" Do you stay here long ! " 

** One week." 

"You will have enough to do," 
said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, <' to gather 
all the materials you want, in that 
time." 

" Eh, they are gathered," said the 
Count. 

« Indeed I " said Mr. Pickwick. 

« They are here,'* added the Count, 
tapping his forehead significantiy. 
"Large book at home— full of notes 
— music, picture, science, potry, poltic ; 
all tings.** 

"The word politics, sir,** said Mr, 
Pickwick, "comprises, in itself, a 
difficult study of no inconsiderable 
magnitude." 

" Ah ! " said the Count, drawing 
out the tablets again, " ver good — fine 
words to begin a chapter. Chapter 
forty-seven. Poltics. The word poltic 
surprises by himself — " And down 
went Mr. Pickwick*s remark, in Count 
Smorltork*s tablets, with such varia^ 
tions and additions as the Count*8 
exuberant fancy suggested, or his im- 
perfect knowledge of the language, 
occasioned. 

" Count,** said Mrs. Leo Hunter. 

" Mrs. Hunt," replied the Count. 

" This is Mr. Snodgrass, a friend of 
Mr. Pickwick's, and a poet." 

" Stop," exclaimed the Count, bring- 
ing out the tablets once more. " Head, 
potry — chapter, literary friends — 
name, Snowgrass ; ver good. In- 
troduced to Snowgrass — ereat poet, 
friend of Peek Weeks— by Mrs. Hunl^ 
which wrote other sweet poem — what 
is that name 1 — Fog — Perspiring 
Fog — ver good — ver good indeed." 
And the Count put up his tablets, and 



122 



POSTHUMOUS PAFERS OF 



Willi smndry Imws waA arimowledg- 
ments walked away, thoroughly flatis- 
fied that he had made the most im- 
portant and Tahiafole Additions to his 
stock of information. 

^ Wonderful man. Count Smorl- 
terk," said Mrs. Leo Hunter. 

** Sound Philosopher," said Pott. 

<^ Clear-headed, strong-minded per- 
son,** added Mr. Snodgrass. 

A chorus of by-standers took up the 
shout of Count Smorltork*s praise, 
shook, ^eir heads sagely, and imani- 
mously cried " Very I " 

As the entihusiasm in Count Smorl- 
tork's favour ran Tcry high, his praises 
might have been sung until the end of 
the festivities, if the four something- 
ean singers had not ranged themselves 
in front of a small apple-tree, to look 
picturesque, and commenced singing 
their national songs, which appeared 
by no means difficult of execution, 
inasmuch as the grand secret seemed 
to be, that three of the somethmg-ean 
singers should grunt, while the fourth 
howled. This interesting performance 
having concluded amidst the loud 
plaudits of the whole company, a boy 
forthwith proceeded to entangle him- 
self with tiie rails of a chair, and to 
jump over it, and crawl under it, and 
fall down with it, and do everything 
but sit upon it, and then to make a 
cravat of his legs, 'and tie them round 
his neck, «nd then to Shistrate tiie 
ease with which a faamsn being ean 
be made to look like a magniiied toad 
— all whidi feats yidded high delight 
and satisfactiepn to the assembled spec- 
tators. After which, the voice of 
Mrs. Pott was iieaird to chirp faintly 
forth, something which comrtesy inter- 
preted into a song, which was all very 
clasfflcal, and strictly in ehairacter, 
because Apollo was himself a com- 
poser, and composers can very seldom 
sing their own music or anybody 
else's, atiier. This was succeeded by 
Bfrs. Leo Hunter^s recitation of her 
fiu--fMiied ode to «n Expiring Frog, 
which was encored once, and would 
have been encored twice, if the major 
part of the guests, who tiiought it^was 
high tbne to get something to eat, had 



-not said that it was perfectly sfaianefiil 
to take advantage of Mrs. HunterV 
good nature. 1^ aldiangh Mrs. Le» 
Hmier professed her perfect wiJBing- 
ness to recite the ode again, her kind 
and considerate friends woiddnH hear 
of it on any acooont ; and the vefredi^ 
ment room being tiirown open, all 
the people who had ever been there 
before, scrambled in with all possible 
despatch : Mrs. Leo Hunter^s usual 
course of prooeediBg, being, to issue- 
cards for a hundred, and breakfast 
for fifty, or in other words to feed 
only the very particular lions, and lei 
the smaUer animals take care of them- 
selves. 

« Where is Mr. Pottl" said Mrs. 
Leo Hunter, as she placed the afore* 
said lions around her. 

**Here I am," said the editor,, 
from the remotest end of the room ;. 
far beyond all h<^ of food, unlem. 
somettung was done for him by tiie 
hostess. 

** Won't you come up here 1 " 

^Oh pray don't mind him," said 
Mrs. Pott, in the most obliging voic» 
— ^**you give yourself a great deal of 
unnecessary trouble, Mrs. Hunter. 
You'll do veiy -well there, won't you 
—dear." 

** Certainly — ^love,'' replied i^e un- 
happy Pott, with a grim smile. Ala» 
for the knout ! The nervous arm that 
wielded it, with such gigantic force^ 
on public duDBCtors, was paralysed 
beneath tho glance of the imperious 
Mrs. Pott 

Mrs. Leo Hunter looked romd her^ 
in tnumph. Count ^markork was- 
busily engaged in taking notes of '(Stm 
contents of the dishes ; Mr. 'Tiipma& 
was doing the honours of the lobster 
salad to several lionesses, with a degree 
of grace which no Brigand ever exhi* 
bitra before ; Mr. Snodgraas having^ 
out out the young gendenuui who out 
up ihe books for the Eatsnswill Gi^ 
zetto, was engaged in an impassioned 
argument with the young lady who 
did the poetry: and Mr. Pickwick 
was making himself untversally agree- 
able. Nothing seemed wantnig i» 
render the select circle complete, wiien 



THE FICKWICK CLUB. 



125 



Mt. Leo Hunter — whose department 
ovi these occasions, was to stand abont 
in door-ways, and talk to the less im- 
portant people — suddenly called oat — 

** My dear ; here *8 Mr. Cfasrles 
Fitz-Marshall.'» 

" Oh dear," said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 
"how anxiously I have been expect- 
ing him. Pray make room, to let 
Mr. Fitz-Marshall pass. Tell Mr. 
Fitz-Marshall, my dear, to come up to 
me directly, to be scolded for coming, 
so late.'* 

^ Coming, my dear Ma^am,^ cried a 
voice, " as quick as I can — crowds of 
people — full room — ^hard work — very," 

Mr. Pickwick's knife and fork fell 
from his hand. He stared across the 
table at Mr. Tupman,who had dropped 
his knife and fork, and was looking as 
if he were about to sink into the ground 
without farther notice. 

" Ah ! " cried the voice, as its owner 
pushed his way among the last five 
and twenty Turks, officers, cavaliers, 
and Charles the Seconds, that remained 
between him and the table, << regular 
mangle — Baker's patent — not a crease 
in my coat, after all this squeezing — 
might have ^got up my linen' as I 
came along — ha ! ha ! not a bad idea, 
that — queer thing to have it mangled 
when its upon one, though — tiying 
process — very." 

With these broken words, a yonng 
man dressed as a naval officer made his 
way up to the table, and presented to 
the astonished Pickwickians, the iden- 
tical form and features of Mr. Alfred 
Jingle. 

The offender had barely time to take 
Mrs. Leo Hunter's proffered hand, 
when his eyes encountered the indig- 
nant orbs of Mr. Pickwick. 

« HaUo I " said Jingle. « Quite for- 
got — no directions to postilion — ^give 
'em at once — ^back in a minitte.'^ 

"The servant, or Mr. Hunter will 
do it in a moment, Mr. Fitz-Marshan," 
said Mrs. Leo Hunter. 

*' ^o, no— rU do it — shan't be long 
— back in no time,'* replied Jingle. 
With these words he disappeared 
among the crowd. 

** Will you albw me to ask you. 



ma'am,** said ibe excited J/tc. Piekwioky. 
rising from bis seat, ** who that yom^ 
man is, and where he resides ! " 

" He is a geotleman of fortune, Mr. 

Pickwick," said Mrs. Leo Buster, *^ t& 

whom I very much want to introduce 

you. The Count will be delighted with 

im." 

** Yes, yes," said Mr. Pickwick, 
hastily. ** His residence — " 

" Is at present at the Angel at Bury.'^ 

« At Bury I" 

" At Bury St. Edmunds, not many 
miles from here. But dear me, Mr. 
Pickwick, you are not going to leave 
us: surely Mr. Pickwick you cannot 
think of going so soon." 

But long before Mrs. Leo Hunter 
had finished speaking, Mr. Pickwick 
had phmged through the throng, and 
reached the garden, whither he was 
shortly afterwards joined by Mr. Tup- 
man, who had followed his friend 
closely. 

** It's of no -use," said Mr. Tnpraan. 
" He has gone." 

** I know it," said Mr. Pickwick 
« and I win follow him." 

« Follow him ! Where 1 " inqnired 
Mr. Tupman. 

<« To the Angel at Biny," replied 
Mr. Pickwick, speaking very quietly, 
" How do we Imow whom he is de- 
ceiving there 1 He deceived a worthy 
man once, and we were the innoeent 
cause. He shall not do it again, if I 
can help it ; 111 expose him. Sam f 
Where's my servant 1 " 

" Here you are, sir," said Mr. 
Weller, emerging from a sequestered 
spot, where he had been engaged m 
discussing a bottle of Madeira, which 
he had abstracted from the breakfast- 
table, an hour or two before. ** Here'» 
your servant, sir. Proud o' the title, 
as the Living SkelKnton said, ven they 
show'd him." 

^ Follow me instantly," said ISr* 
Pickwick. ** Tupman, if I stay »t 
Bmry, you can join me there, iviien 1 
write. TKll then, good-bye !" 

Remonstrances were uscilesB. Mr. 
Pickwick was roused, and his -mind waa 
made up. Mr. Tupman returned io- 
his companions ; and in another hour 



124 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



had drowned all present recollection of 
Mr. Alfred Jingle, or Mr. Charles Fitz- 
Marshally in an exhilarating quadrille 
and a bottle of champagne. By that 
time, Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller^ 



perched on the outside of a stage coach» 
were every succeeding minute placing 
a less and less distance between them- 
selves and the good old town of Bury 
Saint Ednvmds. 



CHAPTER XVI. 



TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED. 



There is no month in the whole 
year, in which nature wears a more 
beautiful appearance than in the month 
of Aus;u8t. Spring has many beauties, 
and Slay is a fresh and blooming 
month, but the charms of this time of 
year, are enhanced by their contrast 
with the winter season. August has 
no such advantage. It comes when we 
remember nothing but clear skies, 
green fields, and sweet-smelling flowers 
— when the recollection of snow, and 
ice, and bleak winds, has faded from 
our minds as completely as they have 
disappeared from the earth, — and yet 
what a pleasant time it is ! Orchards 
and corn-fields ring with the hum of 
labour ; trees bend beneath the thick 
dusters of rich fruit which bow their 
branches to the ground ; and the com, 
piled in graceful sheaves, or waving in 
every light breath that sweeps above 
it, as if it wooed the sickle, tinges the 
landscape with a golden hue. A mel- 
low softness appears to hang over the 
whole earth; the influence of the 
season seems to extend itself to the 
very waggon, whose slow motion across 
the well-reaped field, is perceptible 
only to the eye, but strikes wiUi no 
harah sound upon the ear. 

As the coach rolls swiftly past the 
fields and orchards which skirt the 
road, groups of women and children, 
piling the fruit in sieves, or gathering 
the scattered ears of com, pause for 
an instant firom th^ labour, and 
shading the sun-burnt face with a still 
browner hand, gaze upon the passen- 
gers with curious eyes, while some 
stout urchin, too small to work, but 
too mischievous to be left at home, 



scrambles over the side of the basket 
in which he has been deposited for se- 
curity, and kicks and screams with 
delieht. The reaper stops in his 
work, and stands with folded arms, 
looking at the vehicle as it whirls 
past; and the rough cart horses be- 
stow a sleepy glance upon the smart 
coach team, which says, as plainly as 
a horse's dance can, ** It 's all very 
fine to look at, but slow going, over a 
heavy field, is better than warm work 
like that, upon a dusty road, after all.** 
You cast a look behind you, as you 
turn a comer of the road. The women 
and children have resumed their la- 
bour : the reaper once more stoops to 
his work : the cart-horses have moved 
on : and all are again in motion. 

The influence of a scene like this, 
was not lost upon the well-regulated 
mind of Mr. Pickwick. Intent upon 
the resolution he had formed, of ex- 
posing the real character of the ne- 
farious Jingle, in any quarter in which 
he might be pursumg his fraudulent 
dedgns, he sat at first taciturn and 
contemplative, brooding over the 
means by which his purpose could 
be best attained. By degrees his at- 
tention grew more and more attracted 
by the objects around him ; and at 
last he derived as much enjoyment 
from the ride, as if it had been under- 
taken for the pleasantest reason in the 
world. 

^ Delightful prospect, Sam," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

''Beats the chimley pots, sir,** re- 
plied Mr. Weller, touching his hat. 

'* I suppose you have hardly seen 
anything but chimney-pots and bricka 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



125 



and mortar, all your life^ Sam/' said 
Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 

^ I wom't fdways a boots, sir," said 
Mr. Weller, with a shake of the head. 
<* I wos a wagginer's boy, once." 

<<When was that I" ini^^uired Mr. 
Pickwick. 

^ When I wos first pitched neck and 
crop into the world, to play at leap- 
frog with its troubles,*' replied Sam. 
^ I wos a carrier's boy at startin' : then 
a vagginer's, then a helper, then a 
boots. Now I'm a gen'lm'n's servant. 
I shall be a gen'lm'n myself one of 
these days, perhaps, with a pipe in my 
mouth, and a summer-house in the 
back garden. Who knows 1 /shouldn't 
be surprised, for one." 

<< You are quite a philosopher, Sam," 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

<<It runs in the family, I b'lieve, 
sir," replied Mr. Weller. ** My father's 
wery much in that line, now. If my 
mother-in-law blows him up, he whis- 
tles. She flies in a passion, and breaks 
his pipe ; he steps out, and getd another. 
Then she screams wery loud, and falls 
into 'sterics ; and he smokes wery com- 
fortably 'till she comes to agin. That's 
philosophy sir, an't it 1 " 

^ A very good substitute for it, at 
all events," relied Mr. Pickwick, 
laughing. ^ It must have been of great 
service to you, in the course of your 
rambling life, Sam." 

<< Service sir," exdainfed Sam. 
<<You may say that Arter I run 
away from the carrier, and afore I 
took up with the wagginer, I had un- 
iumiMied lodgin's for a fortnight." 

<« Unfurnished lodgings I " said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

" Yes — the dry arches of Waterloo 
Bridge. Fine deeping-place — ^within 
ten minutes' walk of aJl the public 
offices — onlv if there is any objection 
to it, it is that the ntivation's rayther 
too airy. I see some queer sights 
there." 

• *« Ah, I suppose you did," sud Mr. 
Pickwick, with an air of considerable 
interest 

^ Sights, sir," resumed Mr. Weller, 
*'88 *ud penetrate your benevolent 
hearty and come out on the other side. 



You don't see the reg'lar wagrants 
there ; trust 'em, they knows better 
than that. Young beggars, male and 
female, as hasn^t made a rise in their 
profession, takes up their quarters 
there sometimes ; but it's generally 
the worn-out, starving, houseless cree- 
turs as rolls themselves in the dark 
comers o' them lonesome places — ^poor 
creeturs as an't up to the twopenny 
rope." 

"And pray Sam, what is the two- 
penny rope 1 " inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

"The twopenny rope, sir," replied 
Mr. Weller, ** is just a cheap lodgin'- 
house, were the beds is twopence a 
night" 

" What do they call a bed a rope 
for ? " said Mr. Pickwick, 

" Bless your innocence, sir, that a'nt 
it," replied Sam. ** Wen the lady and 
gen^m'n as keeps the Hot-el, first 
begun business, they used to make the 
beds on the floor ; but this wouldn't do 
at no price, 'cos instead o' taking a 
moderate twopenn'orth o' sleep, the 
lodgers used to lie there, half the day. 
So now tliey has two ropes, 'bout six 
foot apart, and three from the floor, 
which goes right down the room ; and 
the beds are made of slips of coarse 
sacking, stretched across 'em." 

« WeU," said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Well," said Mr. WeUer, «the 
adwantage o' the plan's hobvious. At 
six o'clock every momin', they lets go 
the ropes at one end, and down falls idl 
the lodgers. 'Consequence is, that 
being thoroughly waked, they get up 
wery quietly, and walk away ! Beg 
you pardon, sir," said Sam, sud- 
denly breaking off in his loquacious 
discourse. "Is this Bury St Ed- 
munds 1 " 

"It is," repUed Mr. Pickwick. 

The coach rattled through the well 
paved streets of a handsome little town, 
of thriving and cleanly appearance, 
and stopped before a laige inn situated 
in a wide open street, nearly facing the 
old abbey. 

"And this,'* said Mr. Pickwick, 
looking up, " is the Angel I We alight 
here, &im. But some caution is neces- 
sary. Order a private room, and do 



r 

f 



126 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



not mention my name. You nnder- 

<^RightaBatriyetyfluv" replied Mr. 
W^ee, with a wink of intelligenoe ; 
and having dragged Mv. Piekwiek*a 
partmanteau from the hind booty into 
which it had been haatily thrown when 
tiiey joined the coaeh at Eatanawill, 
ISr. Weller diaappeaxed on hia esrand. 
A pnTate room waa speedily engaged ; 
ana into it, Mr. Pickwick was i^iered 
without delay. 

«Now Saav" aaid Mr. Pickwick, 
^ the first thing to be done is to " — 

*^ Order dinner, sir/' interposed Mr. 
Weller. « It 's wery kte, tax:* 

^ Ah, so it is," said Mr. Pickwick, 
looking at hia watch. ^ You ar&right, 
Sltm." 

<' And if I mi^t adwiae, air/' added 
Mr. Weller, ^'Pd juat have a good 
nighf s rest arterwarda, and not iMgtn 
inquiring arter thia here deep 'un 'till 
the momin\ There's nethm' ae r»- 
freahin' aa ale^, air, aa the servant- 
cirl said afore snie dsaok the egg-eup- 
fuU o' laudanum." 

** I think you ace right, Sam," said 
Mr. Piekwick. «But I must first 
ascertain that he ia in the honse, and 
pot likely to go away." 

*^ Leave that to me, air," aaid Sam. 
** Let me order you a sang little dinner, 
and make my inquiries below while it's 
a getting ready ; I eoold worm evty 
secret out o' tlie boota'a heart, in five 
Hnnutes, sir." 

^'Do so," said Mr. Pickwiak: and 
Mr. Weller at once retired. 

In half an hour, Mr. Piokwick waa 
aeated at a very satiafacto^ dinner ; 
and in three-quartera Mr. Waller re- 
tomed with tiie intelligence that Mr. 
Charles Fitz-MarahaU had ordered Ua 
private room to be retained fer him, 
nntU further notice. He waa going to 
apend the evening at aome private 
honae in the neighbourhood, luad or- 
dered the boota to mtup untU.luaretiu!n, 
and had taken hia servant withhim. 

^Now, sir," argued Mr. Wieller, 
when he had concluded his report, 
''if I can. get a talk wiih thia here aer* 
vant in the momin', he'll tell me all 
hia master's conoema." 



^How do you know that!" inter- 
posed Mr. Pickwick. 

'^ Bless your heart, air, servants al- 
ways do,'* replied Mr. Wetter. 

<< Oh, ah, I &>rgg« that," said Mr. 
F&ekwidc -Welt'* 

<< Then you can arrange what's beat 
to be done, aii^ and we- can aot accord- 
ing." 

As ii appeared that this waa ilie 
best axraogement that conld be made, 
it waafinaUy agreed upon. Mr. W^er, 
by hia niaater'a permission, retired to 
spend the evening in hia own way ; and 
waa ahortly afterwarda, elected, l^ the 
unanimoua voice of the assembled com- 
pany, into theta^reonii chair, in which 
honourable post he. acquitted himaelf 
BO mnch to tiie satisSaetion of the gen- 
tlemen-frequenters, that their roars of 
laughter and approbation penetrated 
to Mr. Pickwick'a bed-4room, and short- 
ened the term of hia natural rest, by 
atleaat three hours. 

Earljr on the ensuing morning, Mr. 
Weller waa diapelliag all the feveziah 
remaina of the previoua evening^a con- 
viviality, through the inatrumentality 
of a halfpenny iSiower-baith (having in- 
duced a young gentlcraan attache to 
the atahle-departmen^ by the offer ot 
that eoin, to pump over hia head and 
face, until he waa perfectly restored), 
when he waa attracted by the appease 
ance of a young fettow in mulberry^ 
coloured liveoEy, who was sitting on a 
bench in the yard, reading what ap- 
peare4 to be a hymn-book, with an air 
of deep ab8tractio% bat who ooeaaion- 
ally stele a glance at the individual 
under the miBip, aa if he took aeme in- 
tereat in hia proceedings, nevertheleaB. 

^ Yon'^ a ram 'un to look at, you 
are 1" then^^ Mr. Welier, the fin* 
time hia. eyes eaoooBlered tlw glance 
of the atEan^er in the mulberry- 
colonredaoit: who had lUarge^ aallow; 
ugly faoe, very aonhan eyea, and a 
gigantic head, from which depended a 
qoantiifyoffayiikUackhair. ^You're. 
arum'uaL" thoBf^t Mr. WeUer; and 
thinking thia, he went on washing hioa* 
aeU^ and thoug^a»more about him. 

Still th»maB kept g^baoing from Ms 
hymn-book to Sam, and fr«n San to 



TH£ PICKWICK CLUa 



127 



fiift hymn-book, as if he wanted to open 
4i conversaiioB. So at last, Sam, by 
^way of giving him an opportmiity, said, 
^th a mmiliar nod — 

** How are you, govemop 1 " 

<< I am happy to say, I am pretty 
"well, sir," said the man, speaking widii 
^reat defiberation,and dosi^ the book. 
^ I hope you are the same, sir ! " 

« my, if I ft»lt less like a walking 
l>randy-bottle, I shouldn't be quite so 
fitaggery this momin"," replied Sam. 
"^Aie yon etof|Hn' in this house, old 
>un ? »' 

The mulberry man replied in the 
^kfiirmative. 

^ How was it, you wom't one of us, 
last night 1 " inqnired Sam, scrubbing 
liis face with the toweL ** You seem 
one of the jolly sort — ^Looks as conwi- 
"vial as a Hve trout in a lime-basket," 
Added Mr. Weller, in an under tone. 

** I was out last night, with my mas- 
ter," replied the sixanger. 

^ What's his name ! " inquired Mr. 
"Weller, colouring up very red with 
«udden excitement, and the friction of 
the towel combined. 

^ Fitz^MarshaiV said the mnlbeny- 
man. 

''Give us your hand," said Mr. 
Weller, advancing ; <* I should like to 
know yen. I like your appearance, 
old feUow." 

« Well, that is very atcange," said 
the mulbeixy man, wUh great simpli- 
^ty of manner. ** I like Tour's so 
much, that I wanted to speaik to you, 
from the very first moment I saw yon 
tmder the pump." 

^ Did you though ] ^' 

^ Upon my word. Now, isn*t that 
curious 1 " 

'' Werv sing'lei;" sud Sam, inwardly 
congratulating himself upon the soft- 
ness of the stcaoigep. ''What's your 
name, my patiiardi ! " 

« Joh.^' 

" And a wery good name it is — only 
one I know, that ain't got a naffkname 
to it What's the other name 1 " 

"Trotter,"* said the stranger. 
« What is yours I" 
^ Sam bore in mind lus master's cait- 
tion, and replied. 



" My name's Walker ; ray master's 
name's WiUdns. Will you take a 
drop e' somethim' this momin', Mr. 
Trotter?" 

Mr. Trotter acquiesced in this agree- 
able proposal: and having depMited 
his book in his coat-pocket, accom- 
panied Mr. Weller to the tap, where 
they were soon occupied in ^scussing 
an exhilarating compound, formed by 
mixing together, in a pefwtev vessel, 
certain quantities of Btkish Hollands^ 
and the fragrant essenc&of the dowL 

" And WUH* sort of a phhse have yon 
got t " inqnired Sam, as he ^ed his 
companion's glass, for the seeond time. 

" Bad," sa^ Ji)^ smaeking his lip^ 
" very bad." 

" You don't mean that 1 '* said Sam. 

" I do, indeed. Wmne than tiuit, 
my master's going to be married." 

« No.'» 

" Yes ; and worse than that, too, 
he's going to run away with an imf> 
mense r^ heiress, from beardiogn. 
school." 

" What a dragon 1" said Sara, refill- 
ing his companion's glass. " Its some 
boarding-school in this town, I sup. 
pose, a'nt it 1 " 

New, although this questieB was put 
in the most careless tone imaginable, 
Mr. Job Trotter plainly showed, by 
gestures, that he pevceiTed his new 
friend'a anxiety to draw Ini'tfa an an- 
swer to it He emptied his glass, 
looked mystexioaBlgr at his eempanion, 
winked both of Ins small eyess one 
after the other, and finally made a 
motion with his ann, as ^ he were 
working an imaginary pump-han^e: 
thereby intimating that he (Mr. Trot- 
ter) considered himself as undergoing 
the process of being pumped, by Mr. 
Samuel Weller. 

" No, no," said Mr. Trotter, in con. 
elusion, "Uiat's not be told to every- 
body. That is a secret — a great secret, 
Mr. Walker." 

As the mulbeixy man said this, he 
turned his glass upside down, as a 
means of reminding his companien that 
he had nothing left wherewith to alakfl 
his thirstr &km observed the hint; 
and feeling the delimlo wiiwig nt 



128 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



which it was oonveyed, ordered the 
pewter vessel to be refilled, whereat 
the small eyes of the mulberry man 
glistened. 

^ And so it 's a secret I " said Sam. 

<<I should rather suspect it was/* 
said the mulberry man, sipping his 
liquor, with a complacent face. 

** I suppose your masV *s wery 
rich 1 " said Sam. 

Mr. Trotter smiled, and holding his 
glass in his left hand, gave four dis- 
tinct slaps on the pocket of his mul- 
berry indescribables with his right, as 
if to intimate that his master misht 
have done the same without alarming 
anybody much, by the chinking of coin. 

^ Ah," said Sam, ^ that 's the game, 
isitl" 

The mulberry man nodded signifi- 
cantly. 

^ Well, and don't you think, old 
feller," remonstrated Mr. Weller, 
''that if you let your master take in 
this here young lady, you *re a precious 
rascal 1" 

<<I know that," said Job Trotter, 
turning upon his companion a counte- 
nance of deep contrition, and groaning 
slightly. ''I know that and that's 
wlmt it is that preys upon my mind. 
But what am I to do ! " 

" Do ! " said Sam ; ** di-wulge to 
the missis, and give up your master." 

« Who M believe me ! " replied Job 
Trotter. "The young lady's con- 
sidered the very picture uf mnocence 
and discretion. She'd deny it, and 
so would my master. Who 'd believe 
me 1 I should lose my place, and get 
indicted for a conspiracy, or some 
such thing ; that 's all I should take 
by my motion." 

^ There 's somethin' in that," said 
Sam, ruminating ; <* there *8 somethin' 
in that" 

<< If I knew any respectable gentle- 
man who would take the matter up," 
continued Mr. Trotter, <' I might have 
•ome hope of preventing the elope- 
ment ; but there 's the same difficulty, 
Mr* Walker, just the same. I know 
no gentleman in this strange place ; 
and ten to one if I did, whether he 
wonld b^liere my story.'' 



''Come this way,'* said Sam, sud- 
denly jumping up, and grasping the 
mulberry man by the arm. "My 
mas'r's the man you want, I see.** 
And after a slight resistance on the 
part of Job Trotter, Sam led his 
newly-found friend to the apartment 
of Mr. Pickwick, to whom he pre*> 
sented him, together with a brief 
summary of the dialogue we have just 
repeated. 

"I am very sorry to betray my 
master, sir," said Job Trotter, ap- 
plying to his eyes a pink checked 
pocket handkerchief about six inches 
square. 

" The feeling does you a great deal 
of honour," replied Mr. Pickwick; 
" but it is your duty, nevertheless." 

" I know it is my duty, sir," replied 
Job, with great emotion. " We should 
all try to discharge our duty, sir, and 
I humbly endeavour to discharge 
mine, sir; but it is a hard trial to 
betray a master, sir, whose clothes 
you wear, and whose bread you eat, 
even though he is a scoundrel, sir." 

" You are a very good fellow," said 
Mr. Pickwick, much affected, "an 
honest fellow." 

" Come come," interposed Sam, who 
had witnessed Mr. Trotter's tears with 
considerable impatience, "blow this 
here water-cart bis'ness. It won't do 
no, good, this won't." 

"Sain," said Mr. Pickwick, re- 
proachfully, " I am sorry to find that 
you have so little respect for this young 
man's feelinc^s." 

" His feehns is all wery well, sir," 
replied Mr. Weller ; "and as they're 
so wery fine, and it 's a pity he should 
lose *em, I think heM better keep 
'em in his own buzzum, than let 'em 
ewaporate in hot water, 'specially as 
they do no good. Tears never yet 
wound up a dock, or worked a steam 
ingen'. The next time von go out to 
a smoking party, young feller, fill your 
pipe with that *ere reflection ; and for 
the present, just put that bit of pink 
gingham into your pocket. T'an't 
so handsome that you need keep wav- 
ing it about, as if you was a tignt-rope 
dukoer." 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



129 



«My man is in the right/' said Mr. 
Pickwick, accosting Job, " although 
hiB mode of expressing his opinion is 
somewhat homely, and occasionally 
incomprehensible." 

''He is, sir, very right," said Mr. 
-Trotter, ''and I will give way no 
longer." 

"Very well," swd Mr. Pickwick. 

** Now, where is this boarding-school I '* 

" It is a large, old, red-brick house, 

just outside the town, sir," replied Job 

Trotter. 

"And when," said Mr. Pickwick, 
"when is this villanous design to be 
carried into execution — when is this 
elopement to take place I " 
" To-night, sir," replied Job. 
"To-night!" exclaimed Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

" This very night, sir," replied Job 
Trotter. " That is what alarms me so 
much." 

" Instant measures must be taken," 
said Mr. Pickwick. "I will see the 
lady who keeps the establishment im- 
mediately." 

"I beg your pardon, sir," said Job, 
''but that course of proceeding will 
never do." 

"Why not?" mqmred Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

« My master, sir, is a very artful 
man." 
" I know he is," said Mr. Pickwick. 
"And he has so wound himself 
round Ihe old lady's heart, sir," re- 
sumed Job, ''that she woidd believe 
nothing to his prejudice, if you went 
down on your bare knees, and swore 
it ; especially as you have no proof 
but the word of a servant, who, for 
anything she knows (and my master 
would be sure to say so), was dis- 
charged for some fault, and does this 
in revenge." 

"What had better be done, then!" 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Nothing but taking him in the 
very fact of eloping, will convince the 
old lady, sir," replied Job. 

" All them old cats wUl run their 
heads agin mile-stones," observed Mr. 
Weller in a parenthesis. 
" But this taking him in the very act 
No. 9. 



of elopement, would be a very difficult 
thing to accomplish, I fear," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

" I don't know, snr," said Mr. Trot- 
ter, after a few moments' reflection. 
" I think it might be very easily done." 

"Howl" was Mr. Pickwick's m- 
quiry. 

"Why," replied Mr. Trotter, "my 
master and I, being in the confidence 
of the two servants, will be secreted in 
the kitchen at ten o'clock. When the 
family have retired to rest, we shall 
come out of the kitchen, and the young 
lady out of her bed-room. A post- 
chuse will be wuting, and away we 

go." 

"Well," said Mr. Pickwick. 

"Well, sir, I have been thinking 
that if you were in waiting in the gar- 
den behind, alone — ^" 

"Alone," said Mr. Pickwick. " Why 
alone ! " 

" I thought it very natural," replied 
Job, "that the old lady wouldn't like 
such an unpleasant discovery to be 
made before more persons than can 
possibly be helped. The young lady 
too, six — consider her feelings." 

"You are very right," said Mr. 
Pickwick. " The consideration evinces 
your delicacy of feeling. Go on ; you 
are very rignt." 

" Well sir, I was thinking that if you 
were waiting in the back gulden alone, 
and I was to let you in, at the door 
which opens into it, from the end of 
the passage, at exactly half-past eleven 
o'clock, you would be just in the very 
moment of time, to assist me in frus- 
trating the designs of this bad man, by 
whom I have been unfortunately en- 
snared." Here Mr. Trotter sighed 
deeply. 

" Dont distress yourself on that 
account," said Mr. Pickwick, "if he 
had one grain of the delicacy of feeling 
which &tingui8hes you, humble as 
vour station is, I should have some 
hopes of him." 

Job Trotter bowed low ; and in spite 
of Mr. Weller's previous remonstrance, 
the tears again rose to his eyes. 

"I never see such a feUer," said 
Sam. " Blessed if I don't think he 'b 



IM 



POSTHUMOUS PAPRBS OF 



got a imlii in his head m i* always 
tamed on." 

''Sam;' said Mr. Pickwick, with 
greeit eereritj. ** Hold . ytmr tongne." 

<«Wery weH, sr," lepKed Mr. 
WeHer. 

«I doBH like Hub plaii," nid Mr. 
Pickwick, after deep meditation. <*Wfajr 
cannot I oonmranioato with tiie yonng 
hidy's Mends i" 

^ Becanse Aey lire one bundred 
Biles from hne^ sir," nspondsd Job 
Troiter. 

<«Tfaat'sM]hidMr/' nidlfir.Wel. 
kr, aside. 

^ Then thw gHdsn/' TCsamod Mr. 
Pickwick. << How am I to set into it!" 

" The wril is rery lam^ sir, and yonr 
iemmt wiH give yon a Isgnp." 

^ My serrwit will ^vo me a lee up/* 
repeated Mr. Pid&wiek, .mechamcally. 
<< You will he sore to be near tfaisdoor, 
f Jiat you speak of ! " 

«Youcam»l mistaloB i1^ sir; it's 
tiie only one tfaatopeDs into thegarden. 
Tap at it, when yon hear the olodc 
Bftnke, and I wiH open it instantly." 

<<I don% like the pkn," said Mr. 
Pickwick ; <<hnt sal see no othor, sad 
as the happiness of this yonng hkdy's 
whole life IS at stake^ I ado|^ it I 
shall be soze to be there." 

Thus, for the second time, did Mr. 
Pickwick's innato good-£BeIing inrolve 
faun m an enterprise, from windi he 
woold most wining have stood aloof. 

*' What is the name of the honse !" 
mquired Mr. Piekwidc 

'^ Weslgate Honse, «r. You torn a 
little to the i^^ ^en you get to the 
end of the town ; it stands- by itself, 
some littie distance off the high road, 
with thename ona. biBss plate en the 
gate." 

«I know it," said Mr. Pickwick. 
^ I observed it once before, when I was 
in this town. Yon may depend upon 
me." 

Mr. I^ottermade another hew, and 
turned to depart, when Mr. Pickwick 
thmst a eninea into his hand. 

f* You Ve a fine fellow," said Mr. 
Pickwiok, ^and I admire yonr good- 
ness of heart. No thanks. Remember 
o'doek." 



''There is no fear off my'finr^gstting 
it, sir," repfied Job Trotter. With 
these words he kft the room^ followed 
by Sam. 

^l sav," said the httlsr, «nota bad 
nstioB tnat 'ere-czying. Td cry like a 
rsin^water spout in a skewer, on sneh 
good terms. How do you do it I " 

** It oome» from tne heart, Mr. 
Walker," Rallied Jobsolsnnly. ^Gsod 



i> 



^ You're asoft enstwcr, you are ; 
— ^we Ve got it all out o' you, any 1m>w," 
thoi^fat &-. Weilsr,* m Job walked 
awMr. 

We GBonot slate the precise natore 
of the though which passed tfaroegfa 
Mr. Trotter's mind, beeanse we don't 
knew what they were. 

The day wore on, eyening came^aad 
atalittle before teno'dook Sam WeUer 
reported that Mr. Jingle and Job had 
gone out together, tiuit their luggage 
was padoed np, and that they had 
ordered a chaise. Hie plot was evi- 
dently in exeention, sa Mr. Trotter iiad 
foretold. 

Half-past tsn d'eloek aneiyed^ and it 
was time for Mr. Pickwick to isBoe 
forth on his delicate errand. ReaJsting 
Sam's tender of his great coat, in order 
that he might have no incnmbranoe in 
sealing the wall, he set.friib, followed 
by his attendant. 

There was a bright moouybnt it was 
behind the olouda. It was a fine dry 
nightybnt it wasmostuacommonly dark. 
Paths, hedges, fields, houses^ 4md trees, 
were enyeloped in one deep shade. The 
atmosphere was hot and sultoy, the 
summer lightning quiyered fiiunUy on 
the yeree of the horiason,4Uid was the 
only Bight that varied the dnll gloom in 
which everything was wrapped — sound 
there was none, except the distant 
barking of some restless house-dog. 

. They found the hoose^ read the brass- 
plate, walked round the wall, and 
stopped at that portion of it which 
divided them from the bottom of the 
garden. 

^ You will return to the inn, Sam, 
when you have assisted me over," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

*« Wery well, sir." 



THE PICEWIOK CLUB. 



181 



^Andymi v21 nt np, 'ti&I reiiini." 

<'T&kehotd(ofii^leg; and,wiMDl 
ny ^Om/ nke me g«idy/' 

<< All riglit» nr/' 

Having aeidftd tfaose pfelininaxMB, 
llr. PidmiBk grained the top of the 
wall^ and gave the word *^Oret/' 



Tonr Htenlly obeyed. 
Whether his hoay partook in some 
degree of the ebstieity of'faiaiaiiid,.or 
utether Ifr. Weliear^s netkna of a 
gentle pub' were of a somewhat 
iMugher dsacsiptioB' iktm Mr. Piek- 
•maifBy the isamadiair ^fiecti of fab 
aaristaneB was to jerk that immortal 
gentlemBr eempietely ov«r the wall 
OB to the bed beceiidi, where^ after 
orudiiBg three goesebefrywbiisfaee and 
arose^treoy he finaUy a%hted at fnU 
tength* 

^ You faaVt hurt yooneif, I hope, 
sir," said Sam, in a load whisper, as 
Boon aahereeoYBivdfrom tiie surprise 
oonsequeot upon the myaterioiia diiap^ 
psaranoeof hia master. 

** I have not hurt nu/aelfy Sam, oerw 
tsinly," replied Mr. Piekwidc, from 
the other side of the wail, «but I 
ZBther tiunk that you have hurt me." 

^ I hope noty sur/' said Sam. 

^Ney^mind," said Mr. Piekwidc, 
rising, '^ it 's nothing but a few 
8orakto& Qo awa)r, or we shall be 



» 



>M 



** Good4)ye^ sirw' 

« Good-by«." 

With stealthy steps Sam Weller de- 
parted, leaving Mr. Pickwick akme in 
the garden. 

Lights oceawmally appeared in the 
dijSerent windows of the house, or 
ghmced from the staireases, as if the 
inmates woe retiring to rest. Not 
caring to go too near the door, until 
the appointed time, Mr. Pickwick 
orouobed into >aii angle of the wall, and 
awaited its anival. 

It was a situation wfaidi might well 
have depressed the sptrits of many a 
man. Mr. Pickwick, however^ felt 
neither d^ressicm nor mi^ving. He 
knew that his purpose was in the main 
H good one, and he placed implicit re- 
liance on the high-minded Job. It 



didl, cevtaanly ; not to say, dreaij; 
but a contemplative man can always 
employ himself in rae<£tation. Mr. 
Piokwsok had meditated himself into a 
dose, when he was* roused by tile 
chunes of the nei^bouring churdi 
naghig out the hour — ^half-past eleven. 

« That is the time," thought Mr. 
Pickwick, getting cautiously on his 
feel He looked up at the house. The 
li^ts had (Ihnppeared, and the shut- 
ters were doaid — all in bed, no doubt. 
He walked on tip-toe to the do<Hr, and 
gave a gentie tap. Two or three 
mimites passing without any reply, he 
gave another tap rather louder, and 
then another rather louder than that. 

At length the somid of feet was 
aadibk wpoo. the stairs, and then the 
li^t of' a eandle shone through the 
key-hole oi the door. There was a 
good dedi of unehaining and unbolting, 
and the door was slowly opened. 

Now the door op^ed outwards : 
and' as the door opened wider and 
wider, Mr. Pidnnck receded behind 
it, more and more. What was his 
astonishment when he just peeped out, 
by way of caution, to see that the per- 
son who had opened it was — not Job 
Trotter, bat a servant-girl with a can- 
dle in her hand ! Mr. Pickwick drew 
in his head again, with the swiftness 
displayed by that admirable melo-dra- 
matic perfoimer. Punch, when he lies 
in. wait for the fiat-headed comedian 
with the tin box of music. 

^'It must have been the oat, Sarah," 
said the giri, addressing herself to 
some one in tile boue. ^ Puss, puss, 
puss — ^titi tit, tit" 

But no animal being decoyed by 
these biandishmeots, the girl slowly 
closed the door, and re-fastened it ; 
leaving Mr. Pickwi^ drawn up 
straight against the widl. 

^ This is very curious," thought 
Bir. Pickwick. '* l%ey are sitting up, 
beyond their usual hour, I suppose. 
Extremely unfortunate, that they 
should have chosen this night, of all 
others, for sndi a purpose— eicceed- 
ingly." And witii these thoughts, Mr. 
Pickwick cautiously retired to the 
angle of the wiJl in which he had been^ 

k2 



182 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



before enaooneed ; waiting until such 
time as he misht deem it safe to 
repeat the signal 

He had not been here five minntes, 
when a vivid flash of lightning was 
followed by a loud peal of thunder 
that crashed and rolled away in the 
distance with terrific noise-r-then.came 
another flash of lightning, brighter 
than the other, and a second peal of 
thunder louder than the first ; and 
then down came the rain, with a force 
and fury that swept everything beforo 
it 

Mr. Pickwick was perfectly aware 
that a tree is a very dangerous neigh- 
bour in a thunderHBtorm. He had a 
tree on his right, a tree on his left, a 
third before him, and a fourth behind. 
If he remained where he was, he mi^t 
fall the victim of an accident ; if he 
showed himself in the centre of the 
garden, he might be consigned to a 
constable ; — once or twice he tried to 
scale tlie wall, but having no other l^s 
this time, than those with which 
Nature had furnished him, the only 
efifbct of his struggles was to inflict a 
variety of very unpleasant gratings on 
his knees and shins, and to throw him 
into a state of the most profuse per- 
spiration. 

« What a dreadful situation," said 
Mr. Pickwick, pausing to wipe his 
brow after this exercise. He looked 
up at the house—all was dark. They 
must be ^ne to bed now. He would 
try the signal again. 

He walked on tip-toe across the 
moist gravel, and tapped at the door. 
He held his breath, and listened at 
the key-hole. No reply : very odd. 
Another knock. He listened again. 
There was. a low whispering inside, 
and then a voice cried — 

« Who 's there 1" 

"That's not Job," thought Mr. 
Pickwick, hastily drawing himself 
straight up against the waU again. 
"It's a woman." 

He had scarcely had time to form 
this conclusion, when a window above 
stairs was thrown up, and three or 
four female voices repeated the query 
Who's there 1" 



Mr. Pickwick dared not move hand 
or foot It was dear that the whole 
establishment was roused. He made 
up Ins mind to remain where he was, 
until the alarm had subsided: and 
then by a supernatural effort, to 
get over the wall, or perish in the 
attempt 

Like all Mr. Pickwick's determinA- 
tions, this was the best that could be 
made under the circumstances; but, 
unfortunately, it was founded upon 
the assumption that they would not 
venture to open the door again. What 
was his discomfiture, when he heard 
the chain and bolts withdrawn, and 
saw the door slowly opening, wider 
and wider 1 He retreated mto the 
comer, step by step ; but do what he 
would, the interposition of lus own 
person, prevented its being opened to 
its utmost width. 

" Who 's there ! " screamed a nume- 
rous chorus of treble voices from the 
Btair-case inside, consisting of the 
spinster lady of the establishment, 
three teachers, five femtde servants, 
and thirty boarders, all half-dressed, 
and in a forest of curl-papers. 

Of course Mr. Pickwick didn't say 
who was there : and then the burden 
of the chorus changed into — *' Lor* I 
I am so frightened." 

" Cook," said the lady abbess, who 
took care to be on the top stair, the 
very last of the group—** Cook, why 
don't you go a little way into the 
garden I" 

"Please ma'am, I don't like," re- 
sponded the cook. 

"Lor', what a stupid thing that 
cook is ! " said the thiiiy boarders. 

" Cook," said the lady abbess, with 
great dignity ; " don't answer me, if 
vou please. I insist upon your look- 
mg into the garden immediately." 

Here the cook began to cry, and the 
house-maid said it was " a shiune 1 " 
for which partisanship she received a 
month's warning on tne spot 

"Do you hear, cookl" said the 
lady abbess, stamping her foot, impa- 
tiently. 

" Don't you hear your missis^ cook t " 
said the three teachers. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



138 



^'Wliat an impudent thing, that 
cook is ! " said the thirty boarders. 

The unfortonate cook, thus strongly 
urged, advanced a step or two, imd 
holding her candle just where it pre- 
vented her from seemg anything at all, 
declared there was nothing there, and 
it must have been the wind. The 
door was just going to be closed in 
consequence, when an inquisitiye 
boarder, who had been peeping 
between the hinges, set up a feurful 
screaming, which called back the cook 
and the housemaid, and all the more 
adventurous, in no time. 

^What is the matter with Miss 
Smithers 1 " said the lady abbess, as 
the aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded 
to go into hysterics of four young lady 
power. 

^ Lor*, Miss Smithers dear," said the 
other nine-and-twenty boarders. 

^Oh, the man — me man — behind 
the door I " screamed Miss Smithers. 

The lady abbess no sooner heard 
this appalling cir, than she retreated 
to her own bed-room, double-locked 
the door, and fainted away comfort- 
ably. The boarders, and the teachers, 
and the servants, fell back upon 
the stairs, and upon each other ; 
and never was such a screaming, and 
fainting, and struggling, beheld. In 
the midst of the tumult, Mr. Pickwick 
emerged from lus concealment,and pre- 
sented himself amongst them. 

<* Ladies — dear li^es/' said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** Oh, he says we 're dear," cried the 
oldest and ugliest teacher. << Oh the 
wretch I " 

"Ladies," roared Mr. Pickwick, 
rendered desperate by the danger of 
his situation. ^ Hear me. I am no 
robber. I want the lady of the 
house." 

** Oh, what a ferocious monster ! " 
screamed another teacher. " He wants 
Miss Tomkins." 

Here there was a general scream. 

" Ring the alarm bell, somebody ! " 
cried a dozen voices. 

« Don't — don't," shouted Mr. 
Pickwick. ^ Look at me. Do I look 
like a robber ! My dear ladies — you 



may bmd me hand and leg, or look 
me up in a closet, if you iSce. Only 
hear what I have got to say — only 
hear me." 

<* How did you come in our garden 1 " 
fiinltered the house-maid. 

" Call the lady of the house, and 
I '11 tell her everything— everything : " 
said Mr. Pickwick, exerting his lungs 
to the utmost pitch. ^ Call her — only 
be quiet, and call her, and you shall 
hear everything." 

It might have been Mr. Pickwick's 
appearance, or it might have been his 
manner, or it might haye been tiio 
temptation — so irresistible to a female 
mind — of hearing something at pre- 
sent enveloped in mystery, that re- 
duced the more reasonable portion of 
the establishment (some four indivi- 
duals) to a state of comparative quiet 
By them it was proposed, as a test of 
}ir, Pickwick's sincerity, that he 
should immediately submit to per- 
sonal restraint ; and that gentieman 
having consented to hold a conference 
with Miss Tomkins, from tiie interior 
of a closet in which the day boarders 
hung their bonnets and sandwich-bags, 
he at once stepped into it, of his own 
accord, and was securely locked in. 
This revived the others ; and Miss 
Tomkins having been brought to, and 
brought down, the conference began. 

** What did you do in my garden, 
Man ! " said Miss Tomkins, in a faint 
voice. 

<< I came to warn you, that one of 
your young ladies was going to elope 
to-night," replied Mr. Pickwick, from 
the interior of the closet. 

** Elope I " exclaimed Miss Tom- 
kins, the three teachers, the thirty 
boarders, and the five servants. ^Who 
witii 1 " 

''Your friend, Mr. Charles Fitz- 
Marshall." 

'' My friend ! I don't know any 
such person." 

** WeU ; Mr. Jingle, then." 

« I never heard the name in my 
Ufe." 

" Then, I have been deceived, and 
deluded," said Mr. Pickwick. « I 
have been the victim of a conspiracy 



lU 



PQBIHUMOUB PAPER8 OF 



— « fool md bne eoMptsacy. 
to the Angel, my dear mft'jun, if you 
donH Ixriieve me. Said to the Angel 
for Mr. Pickwick's man-Berrmt, I 
imgkne you ma'am." 

** He must be Teapeetable— he keeps 
a nan-aervcant," said Miss Tomkins to 
the writing aad ciphering gofYemesf. 

^ It's my opmion, lius Tomkins,** 
sud the writing and ciphering go- 
TemesB, ''that Uamanpservairt keeps 
him. / think he *s a madman. Miss 
Tomkins, and the other 's his keeper." 

^I thhik you are rery right, Miss 
Ghvynn," responded Miss Tomkins. 
** Let two of the aervsnts repair to Hie 
Angel, and let the others remain here, 
to protect OS." 

So two of the servaoto were de- 
spatdied to the Angel in aearefa of Mr. 
Samuel Waller: and the remaining 
tlvee stopped behind to protect Miss 
Tomkins, and the three teachers, and 
tfae thirty boarders. And lir. Pick- 
wick sat down in the closet, beneath a 
groTS of sandwidi bags, and awaited 
the return of the messengers, with all 
the philosophy and fbrtitade he conld 
smnmoQ to his. aid. 

An hour and a half ekpsed before 
they eame back, and when they did 
come, Mr. Pickwick recognised, in addi- 
tion to the voice of Mr. Samuel Weller, 
two other voiees, the t<»es of which 
struck funiliariy on his ear ; but whose 
they were, he could not for the life of 
him call to mind. 

A yery brief conversation ensued. 
The door was uxdoeked. Mr. Pickwick 
stepped out of the closet, and found 
himself in the presence of the whole 
establishment of Westgate House, Mr. 
Samuel Weller, and— -old Waxdle, and 
his destined son-in-law, Mr. Tnmdle ! 

"My dear friend," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, ronning forward and grasping 
Waidle's hand, " my dear friend, pray, 
for Heaven's sake, explain to this lady 
the unfortunate and dreadful situation 
in which I am placed. You must have 
heard it from mv servant ; say, at all 
events, my dear fellow, that I am nei- 
ther a robber nor a madman." 

^ I have said so, my dear friend. I 
hftTe said so already," replied Mr. 



Wardle, shakhig the right hand of his 
friend, while Mr. Trundle shook tho 
left 
-^ And whoever says, or has said, he 



is," inter po sed Mr. Weller, stepping 
forward, '* says that whMi is not Ike 
truth, but so hr from it, on the oon- 
trairy, quite the rewerse. And if 
tiiere's any number o' men on these 
here premises as has said so, Ishall be 
wery happy to give 'em all a wery con- 
vineing proof o' their being mi^iaken, 
in this here wery room, if these wery 
respectable ladies '11 have tiie goodness 
to retire, and order *em up, one at a 
time. " Having delivered this defiance 
with great vofa&lity, Mr. Weller strudc 
his open patan emphatically witii his 
clenched fist, and winked i^easantiy on 
Miss Tomkins : the intensity of wimmo 
horror at his supposmg it vntiiin tiie 
bounds of possibiHty tiuit:tiiere could 
be any men on the preniises of West- 
gate House EstaWidiment for Yoniq^ 
Ladies, it is impossiUe to describe. 

Mr. Pickwick's explanation having 
been already partially made, was soon 
concluded. But neither in the course 
of bis walk home with his friends, nor 
afterwards when seated before a bias- 
ing fire at the supper he so mudi 
needed, oeuld a single observation be 
drawn from hhn. He seemed bewil- 
dered and amased. Once, and only 
once, he turned round to Mr. Wardto, 
and said 

^ How did you come here 1 " 

" Trundle and I came down here, for 
some good shooting en the ^rst," re- 
plied Wardle. " We arrived to-night 
and were astonished to hear from your 
servant that you were here too. But 
I am glad you are," said the old fel- 
low, slapping him on the back. "I 
am glad you are. We shall have a 
jovial party on the first, and we'll 
give Winkle another change eh, old 
bwl" 

Mr. Pickwick made noreply ; he did 
not even adc after his friends at Disgley 
Dell, and shordy afterwards retved for 
the night, desiring Bam to fetch hia 
candle when he rung. 

The bell did ring in due course, and 
Mr. Weller presented himsdf. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



185 



<f Sam/' said Mr. Pickwick, looking 
oat {rem under the bed-cbthes. 

« Sir," said Mr. WeUer. 

Mr. Pickwick paused, and Mr. 
Weller snuffed the candle. 

"Sam," said Mr. Pickwick agam, 
as if witii a desperate effort 

" Sir/* said Mr. Welkr, one&niore. 

** Where is that Trotter I" 

«*Job,8irf» 

« Yes." 

" Gone, sir." 

« With his master, I suppose ? " 

** Friend or master, or whatever he 
is, he 's gone with him/* r^Hed Mr. 
Weller. ** There *b a pair on 'em, sir." 

'^Jingle suspected my design, and 
set that fellow on you, with this story, 
I suppose I" said Mr. Pickwick, half 
idioking. 

« Just l^t, or," repfied Mr. Weller. 



<at was aU false,, of emrae t " 
<<AI1, sir," replied Mr. Wdler. 
" Eeg'iar do, sir ; artful dodge." 

^ I don't think he 11 eacKpe us quits 
so easily tine next time, Sam I " said 
Mr. Pi^widc. 
«I don't think he will, sir." 
^ Whenerear I meet thatJuide again, 
wherever it is,** said Mr. ^ckwick, 
xaioag himself in bed, and indenting 
his pillow with a tremendous blow, 
^I'll inflict personal chastisement on 
him, m addition to the exposure he so 
richly merits. I will, or my name is 
not Pickwick." 

<< And wenevorl catches hold o' that 
there melan-choUy du^ with Ibe blade 
hair," said Sam, ^if I don't bring 
some real water into his eyes, for once 
in a way, my name a'&t Weller. Good 
night, sir I '* 



CHAPTER XVII. 

SHOWUfQ THAT AN ATTACK OF BBBUVATim, Ilf SOMB C4SES, ACTS AS A 

qUICKEIVKa TO INVENTIVE GENIUS. 



Tbx ooBstitntiCD of Mr. Piokmck, 
though able to sustain a very consider- 
able amount of exertion and fatigne, 
was not proof against sndi a combina- 
tion of attadu as he bad undergoaeon 
the memorable night, recorded in the 
last diajpter. The process of being 
washed m tlie night air, and roug^> 
dried in a doset, is as dangerous as it 
is peculiar. Mr. Pickwidc was laid 
iq> wi& an attack of rheumatism. 

But although the bodily powers of 
One great man were &us iiaptaied, his 
mental energies retained their pristine 
vigour. His sfwrits-were elastic; his 
grod hnmour was restored. Even the 
vexation consequent upon his recent 
adventure had vanished from his mind ; 
Mid he could jcm in the hearty laugh- 
ter which any allusion to it exdted in 
Mr. Wardle, without anger and with- 
out embarrassment. Nay, more. Du- 
ring the two days Mr. Pickwick was 
coi&ned to his bed, Sam was his con- 
stant attendant. On the £rst, he 



endeavoured to smiise his master by 
anecdote and conversation ; on the 
second Mr. Pickwick demanded his 
writing^esk, and pen and ink, and 
was deeply eng^ed during the whde 
day. (>n Utte tbord, being able to sit 
up in his bed-chamber, he deqtatched 
Ins valet with a message to Mr. 
Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating 
that if they would take tiieir wine 
there, that evening, they would greatly 
oblige him. The invitation was most 
wiJJ^ly aeoepted ; and when they 
were seated over their wine, Mr. 
Pickwick with sundry blushes, pro- 
duced t&e following little tale, as 
having been '^ edited" by hiinself, 
during his recent indisposition, from 
his notes of Mr. Welkr's noBophisli- 
eated redtaL 

«.THE PARISH CLEBK. 

A TALK OF TXUE LOVE. 

** Once upon a time in .a very small 
country town, at a oonaideeahle dis- 



130 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



ianoe from London, there lived a little 
man named Nathaniel Pipldn, who 
was the pariah clerk of the little town, 
and lived in a little house in the little 
high street, within ten minutes* walk of 
the little church ; and who was to be 
found every day fiN>m nine till four, 
teachinff a little learning to the little 
boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was a harm- 
less, inoffensive, good-natured being, 
with a tumed-up nose, and rather 
tumed-in legs : a cast in his eye, and a 
halt in bis gait; and he divided his 
time between the church and his 
school, verily believing that there 
existed not, on the £sce of the earth, 
so clever a man as the curate, so im- 
posing an apartment as the vestry- 
room, or so well-ordered a seminary 
as his own. Once, and only once, in 
lus life, Nathaniel Pipkin had seen 
a bishop — a real bishop, with lus arms 
in lawn sleeves, and his head in a wig. 
He had seen him walk, and heard him 
talk, at a confirmation, on which mo- 
mentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin 
was so overcome with reverence and 
awe. when the aforesaid bishop laid 
his nand on his head, that he fainted 
r^ht clean away, and was borne out 
of church in the arms of the beadle. 

''This was a great event, a tre- 
mendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin*s 
life, and it was the only one that had 
ever occurred to ruffle the smooth 
current of his quiet existence, when 
happening one fine afternoon, in a fit 
of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes 
from the slate on which he was devis- 
ing some tremendous problem in com- 
pound addition for an offending uit^iin 
to solve, they suddenly rested on 
the blooming countenance of Maria 
Lobbs, the oiSy daughter of old Lobbs, 
the great saddler over the way. Now, 
the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on 
the pretty &ce of Maria Lobbs many 
a time and oft before, at church and 
elsewhere : but the eyes of Maria 
Jjobbs had never looked so bright, the 
cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never 
looked so ruddy, as upon tins parti- 
cular occasion. No wonder then, that 
Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take 
his eyes from the countenance of Miss | 



Lobbs ; no wonder that Miss Lobbs, 
finding herself stared at by a young 
man, withdrew her head from the 
window out of which she had been 
peeping, and shut the casement and 
nulled down the blind ; no wonder that 
Nathaniel Pipkin, immediately there- 
after, fell upon the youne urchin who 
had previously offended and cufied 
and knocked mm about, to his heart's 
content All this was very natural, 
and there *s nothing at all to wonder 
at about it 

''It w matter of wonder, though, 
that any one of Mr. Nathanid Pipkm*s 
retiring disposition, nervous tempera- 
ment, and most particularly diminu- 
tive income, should from this day 
forth, have dared to aspire to the 
hand and heart of the only daughter 
of the. fiery old Lobbs — of old Lobbs 
the great saddler, who could have 
bouffht up the whole village at one 
stroke of his pen, and never felt the 
outlay — old Lobbs, who was well 
known to have heaps of money, in- 
vested in the bank at the nearest 
market town — old Lobbs, who was re- 
ported to have countless and inexhaust- 
ible treasures, hoarded up in the little 
iron safe with the big key-hole, over the 
chimney-piece in the back parlour — old 
Lobbs, who, it was well known, on fes- 
tive occasions garnished his board with 
a real silver tea-pot, cream ewer, and 
suear-basin, which he was wont, in the 
pnde of his heart, to boast should be 
his daughter's property when she 
found a man to her mind. I repeat 
it» to be matter of profound astonish- 
ment and intense wonder, that Natha- 
niel Pipkin should have had the teme- 
rity to cast his eyes in this direction. 
But love is blind : and Nathaniel had 
a cast in his eye : and perhaps these 
two circumstances, taken together, 
prevented his seeing the matter in its 
proper light 

** Now, if old Lobbs had entertained 
the most remote or distant idea of the 
state of the infections of Nathaniel 
Pipkin, he would just have razed the 
school-room to the ground, or exter- 
minated its master from the surface of 
the earth, or committed some other 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



137 



outrage and atrocity of an equally 
ferocious and violent description ; for 
he was a terrible old fellow, was 
Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or 
his blood was up. Swear ! Such 
trains of oaths would come rolling and 
pealing over the way, sometimes, when 
he was denouncing the idleness of the 
bony apprentice with the thin legs, 
that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in 
his shoes with horror, and the hair of 
the pupils* heads would .stand on end 
with fnght. 

** WeU ! Day after day, when school 
was over, and the pupils gone, did 
Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at 
the front window, and while he feigned 
to be reading a book, throw siddong 
glances over the way in search of the 
brieht eyes of Maria Lobbs ; and he 
hacbi't sat there many days, before 
the bright eyes appeared at an upper 
window, apparently deeply engaged in 
readhig too. This was deHghtfiU, and 
gladdening to the heart of Nathaniel 
I*ipkin. It was something to sit there 
for hours together, and look upon that 
pretty face when the eyes were cast 
down ; but when Maria Lobbs began 
to raise her eyes from her book, and 
dart their rays in the direction of 
Nathaniel Fipldn, lus delight and ad- 
miration were perfectly boundless. At 
last, one day when he knew old Lobbs 
was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the 
temerity to kiss his hand to Maria 
Lobbs ; and Maria Lobbs, instead of 
shutting the window, and pulling down 
the blind, kissed hera to him, and 
smiled. Upon which, Nathaniel Pipkin 
determined, that, come what might, he 
would develope the state of his feelings, 
without further delay. 

A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a 
more dimpled face, or a smarter form, 
never bounded so liehtly over the earth 
they graced, as did uiose of Maria 
Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. 
There was a roguish twinkle in her 
sparkling eyes, Ihat would have made 
its way to mr less susceptible bosoms 
than that of Nathaniel Pipkin ; and 
there was such a joyous sound in her 
merry laugh, that the sternest misan- 
thrope must have smiled to hear it. 



Even old Lobbs himself, in the very 
height of his ferocity, couldn't resist 
the coaxing of his pretty daughter ; and 
when she, and her cousin Kate — an 
arch, impudent-looking, bewitching 
little person— < made a dead set upon 
the old man together, as, to say the 
truth, they very often did, he could 
have refused them nothing, even had 
they asked for a portion of the count- 
less and inexhaustible treasures, which 
were hidden from the fight, in the iron 
safe. 

^ Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high 
within him, when he saw this enticing 
fittle couple some hundred yards before 
him, one summer's evening, in the very 
field in which he had many a time 
stroUed about till night-time, and pon- 
dered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. 
But though he had often thought then, 
how brisldy he would walk up to 
Maria Lobbs and tell her of bis pas- 
sion if he could only meet her, he felt, 
now that she was unexpectedly before 
him, aU the blood in his body mounting 
to his face, manifestiy to the gresit 
detriment of his legs, which, deprived 
of their usual portion, trembled beneath 
him. When tiiey stopped to gather a 
hedge-flower, or listen to a bird, Na- 
thaniel Piplan stopped too, and pre- 
tended to be absorbed in meditation, as 
indeed he really was; for he was 
thinking what on earth he should ever 
do, when they turned back, as they 
inevitably must in time, and meet him 
face to face. But though he was afraid 
to make up to them, he couldn't bear 
to lose sight of them ; so when they 
walked faster, he walked faster, when 
they lingered he lingered, and when 
they stopped he stopped ; and so they 
might have gone on, until the darkness 
prevented them, if Kate had not looked 
sfily back, and encoura^gly beckoned 
Nathaniel to advance. There was some- 
thing in Kate's manner that was not to 
be resisted, and so Nathaniel Pipkin 
complied with the invitation ; and after 
a great deal of blushing on his part, 
and immoderate laughter on that of 
the wicked fittie cousin, Nathaniel 
Pipkin went d6wn on his knees on the 
dewy grass and declared his resolu* 



1S8 



POSTHUMOUS PAPBBB OF 



. to ismiiii tbtce for ever, imleM he 
pennittod to me the aceeptad 
]«f«r of Maiia Lohbs. Upon this, the 
wanry liwghtw of Maria Lobbs rang 
Ihvoiq^ 1^ cahneyeniogMr — ^without 
wmtBong to diBtnrb it, though ; it had 
floch ft pleasant aemd and the wicked 
little eeiufai laaghod more immode- 
ntoly Una before, aod Nathniel Pip- 
Idn bliuhed deeper than ever. At 
knfftfa, Mttta LobbB being mere strenu- 
mmy urged by the lore-worn little 
man, turned away her head, and whis- 
pered her oeoMntoeay, or at all events 
Kate did say, that she felt maeh 
honeured by Mr. Pipldn*8 addieaaes ; 
tiiat her hiuad and heart were at her 
isliier^s disposal ; but that nobody oentd 
be inswwiMe to Mr. Pipkin*9 merilib 
As all this was said with much gravity, 
and as Nathaniel Pipkin walki^ hooie 
with Maria Lobbs, and strag^ed for a 
kiss at parting, he went to beda happy 
man, and di«aned all night loaog, of 
floftening old Lobbs, OTening thestzvng 
box, and msonyiBg Mima. 

^ The next day, Nathamei Pipkin 
saw old Lobbs go out upon his old 
grey ponev, and after a great many 
signs at the window from the wicked 
little cousin, the objeet and meaning 
of which he conld by no means under- 
stand, the bony i^prentioe with the 
thin legs came over to say that his 
master wasn't coming home all night, 
and that the ladies expected Mr. Pip- 
kin to tea, at six o^dock precisely. 
How the lessons were got through that 
day, neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his 
pupils knew any more than you do; 
but they were got throuj^ somehow, 
and, aftor the boys had gone, Naihaniel 
Pipkm took till fall six o'doek to dress 
iamsdf to his satisfiMstion. Nottfaatit 
took long to seleet the garments he 
should wear, inssmuch as he had no 
dMiee about the matter; but theput- 
tmg of them en to the best advantege, 
and the touching of them up previ- 
onsly, was a task of no ineenndsrable 
difficulty or importance* 

^ There was a very sung Utde party , 
cisniBsting of Maria Lobbs snd her 
cousin Kate, and three «r four romping, 
good^humoixredy rosy-oheeked giils. 



Pipkin had ocular demou'- 
stration of the fact, that the rib- 
moors of dd Lobbs's treasures were 
not exaggerated. There were the real 
sohd suver tea-pot, cream-ewer, and 
sugar-basin, on the table, and real 
silver qpoons to stir the tea with, and 
seal ehina eiqis to drink it out of, and 
plates of the same, to hold the cakes 
and toast in. The only eye-sore in the 
whole place, was another cousin of 
Maria Lobbs's, and a bro&er of Kate, 
whom Maria Lobbs called < Henry,' and 
who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs all 
to himself, np in one comer of the 
table. It's a delightful thing to see 
affection in families, but it may be 
canned rather too fav, and Nathaniel 
Pipkin could not help thinking that 
Maria Lobbs must be very particnlarly 
fond of her rehktions, if sbe paid as 
much attention to all of them as to this 
individual cousin. After tea^ too, 
when the wicked little cousin proposed 
a game at blind man's buff, it somehow 
or other happened that Naihaniel 
Pipkin was nearly always blind, and 
whenever he laid his hand upon the 
male oousin, he was sure to find that 
Maria Lobbs was not far off. And 
though the wicked lifcUe cousin and the 
other girls pinched him, snd pulled his 
hair, and pushed chaiis in his way, 
and all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs 
never seemed to oome near him at all ; 
and once — once — Nathaniel Pipkin 
oould have sworn he heard the sound 
of a loss, followed by a fSunt remon- 
strance from Maria Lobbs, and a half- 
sni^reesed laugh from her female 
friends. All this was odd— very odd — 
and there is no saying what Nathaniel 
Pipkin might or migjat not have done, 
in consequence, if his thoughts had 
not been suddenly directed into a new 
dianneL 

'* The cSrenrnstanee which direc t ed 
lus thoughts into a new channel was a 
loud knocking at the street-door, and 
the person who made this loud knook- 
ing at the street-door, was no other 
than dd Lobbs himself, who had un- 
expectedly retained, and was hammer- 
ing *way, like a coffin-maker : for he 
wanted his supper. .The ahoming Ia. 



THE FICEWIGK CLUB. 



189 



by dbe.boi^«|^rentiee with the thin 
legs, ihaB the firis tripped ap>sftain» to 
MB(tiA.IioblMfB bed^room^Biid Uto male 
eoBBn and NaUianiel :Pipkin were 
tiimst into a eoaple oi desets in the 
ntting-roaiii, for »^raiit of any better 
plarmftf r^mfm^irp'^f ; **^*^ whwn Miw*. 
liofabs «Bd the wicked. Httle consin had 
etowed than asvay, and put the room 
to.m^itBy-tiMy opened tiie street door 
to om Lobbs, who had nerer left off 
hnoekiDg-Hnce he fizcrt begui. 

'* Now it did unfortimately ha^^MO 
that old. Lobbs being rery himgry was 
monstrons csofls. Nathaaiel Pipkin 
csuidbear iam growiing away like an 
old mastiff with a sore tfaront ; and 
whenever the u^iortunate apprentice 
•with the Ihin legs eame into the room^ 
80 sorely did ^d Lobbs eommenoe 
sweaxing at him in a most Saracenie 
and :feroei0us manner, though appa- 
rently with no other aid or o^eet 
than that of easing his bosom by the 
discharge of a few saperfluoos oaths. 
At length some sapper, which had 
been warming ap, was {daoed on the 
table, and thm old Lobbs fell to, in 
rognlar style ; and haiing made elear 
walk <^ it in no time, kissed his 
danghter, and demanded his pipe. 

^ Natore had plaeed Nathuiiel Pip* 
kin's knees in very elose joxtapesition, 
but when he heard old Lobbs demand 
• his pipe, they knocked together, as if 
they were going to reduce each oilier 
to powder ; for, depending from a 
couple of hooks, in the very closet in 
which he stood, was a laxge brown- 
stemmed, silver-bowled pipe, which 
pipe he himself had seen in the mouth 
of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon 
and evening, for the last five years. 
The two girls went down stairs for 
Ihe pipe, and up stairs for the pipe, 
and everywhere but where they knew 
Ifce pipe was, and old Lobbs stormed 
away meanwhile, in the most wonder- 
ful manner. At last he thought of the 
doset, and walked up to it. It was of 
BO use a litde man like Nathaniel Pip- 
kin 'pidMng ^e door inwards, vrhen a 
great strong feUow like eld Lobbs was 
pdi^D^ it eni wards. Old Lobbs gave 



it one tug, and open it flew, ^a- 
eloaiog Nathaniel Pipkin standmg bolt 
upright inside, and shaking wi£ ap^ 
pnheoak>n from head to foot. Bless 
us ! whatan appalliag look old Lebbs 
gave him, tB he draped him out by 
the cdlar, and held him at ana'B 
length. 

««'Why, what the devil do yea 
want here)' said old Lobbs, in a fear- 
ful voice. 

^ Natinniel Pipkin eoold make no 
reply, so old Lobbs ehook Imn baek* 
wards and forwards, iixt two or three 
nunutes, by way of arauiging his ideas 
for him. 

*^ ' What do yon want herel' roared 
Lobbs, 'I suppose you have come 
after my daughter, now ! ' 

<« Old Lobbs merely said this as a 
sneer : fenr he did not believe that 
mortal presnmptkm ceuM have carried 
Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What was 
laa incHgaatien, when that poor man 
replied — 

<'<Yes, I did, Mr. Lebb»-I did 
come after your danjj^ter. I love her, 
Mr. Lobbs.' 

^ 'Why, yea sniveHmg, wsy-&eed 
pimy villain,' gasped aid Lobbs, para- 
lysed by the atrocious oonfession ; 
'what do you mean by that) Say 
this to my face ! Damme, Til throttto 
you.' 

^ It is by no means improbable that 
old Lobbs would have carried this 
threat into execution, in the excess of 
his rage, if his arm had not been 
stayed by a very unexpected appari- 
tion, to wit, the male cousin, who^ 
stepping out of his closet, and walking 
up to oM Lobbs, said — 

^ 'I cannot allow this fiarmless 
person, sir, who has been asked here, 
in some girlish frolic, to take upon 
himself, in a rery noble manner, the 
fauH (if fisbult it is) which I am guilty 
of, and am ready to avow. / love your 
daughter, sir ; and / oame here for 
the purpose of meeting her.' 

** Okl Lobbs opened his eyes very 
wide at this, but not wider than 
Nathaniel Pipkin. 

^ < You did ! ' said Lobbs : at last 
finding breath to speak. 



140 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



« « I did.» 

<< * And I forbade jrou this house, 
long ago.' 

** * You did, or I should not have 
been here, clandestinely, to-night.' 

<<I am sorry to record it, of old 
Lobbs, but I think he would have 
struck the cousin, if his pretty 
daughter, with her bright eyes swim- 
ming in tears, had not clung to his 
arm. 

« * Don't stop him, Maria,' said the 
young man : 'if he has the will to 
strike me, let him. I would not hurt 
a hair of his srey head, for the riches 
of the world.*^ 

^ The old man cast down his eyes at 
this reproof, and they met those of his 
daughter. I have hinted once or twice 
before, that thev were yery bright 
eyes, and, though they were teanul 
now, their influence was by no means 
lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head 
awav, as if to avoid being persuaded 
by them, when, as fortune would have 
it, he encountered the face of the 
wicked little counn, who, half afraid 
for her brother, and half laughing at 
Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as be- 
witching an expression of countenance, 
with a touch of slyness in it too, as 
any man, old or young, need look 
upon. She drew her arm coaxiugly 
through the old man's, and whispered 
somewing in his ear ; and do wlutt he 



would, old Lobbs couldn't help break- 
ing out into a smile, n^iile a tear stole 
down his cheek, at the same time. 

** Fiye minutes after this, the girls 
were brought down from the bedroom 
with a great deal of giggling and mo-* 
desty ; and while Ihe young people 
were making themselves perfectly 
happy, old Lobbs got down tiie pipe, 
and smoked it : and it was a remark- 
able circumstance about that particular 
pipe of tobacco, that it was the most 
soothing and delightful one he ever 
smoked. 

<< Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best 
to keep lus own counsel, and by so 
doing gradually rose into high favour 
with old Lobbs, who taught him to 
smoke in time ; and they used to sit 
out in the garden on the nne evenings, 
for manv years afterwards, smoking 
and drinkine in great state. He soon 
recovered me effects of his attach- 
ment, for we find his name in the 
parish register, as a witness to the 
marriage of Maria Lobbs to her 
cousin ; and it also appears, by refer- 
ence to other documents, that on the 
night of the wedding, he was incarce- 
rated in the village cage, for having, 
in a state of extreme intoxication, 
committed sundry excesses in the 
streets, in all of which he was aided 
and abetted by the bony apprentice 
with the thin legs." 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

BRIEFLT ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; — ^FIBST, THE POWER OF HTBTBRICSy 
AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF CIRCUMSTANCES. 



For two days after the breakfast at 
Mrs. Hunter's, the Pickwickians re- 
mained at Elatanswill, anxiously await- 
ing the arrival of some intelligence 
from their revered leader. Mr. Tup- 
man and Mr. Snodgrass, were once 
again left to their own means of amuse- 
ment ; for Mr. Winkle, in compliance 
with a most pressing invitation, con- 
tinued to reside at Sir. Pott's house, 
and to devote his time to the com- 



panionship of his amiable lady. Nor 
was the occasional society of Mr. Pott 
himself, wanting to complete their 
felicity. Deeply immersed in the in- 
tensity of his speculations for the pub- 
lic weal, and the destruction of the 
Independent, it was not the habit of 
that great man to descend from his 
mentcJ pinnacle to the humble level of 
ordinary minds. On this oocasiooy 
however^ and as if expressly in com- 



THE. PICKWICK CLUB. 



Ul 



pliment to any foHower of Mr. Pick- 
wick's, he unbent, relaxed, stepped 
down from his pedestal, and wiJked 
upon the ground: benignly adapting 
his remarks to the comprehension of 
the herd, and seeming in outward form, 
if not in spirit, to he one of them. 

Such having been the demeanour of 
this celebrated public character to- 
wards Mr. Winkle, it will be readily 
imagined that considerable' surprise 
was depicted on the countenance of the 
latter gentleman, when, as he was sit- 
ting alone in the breakfast-room, the 
door was hastily thrown open, and as 
hastily closed, on the entrance of Mr. 
Pott, who, stalking majesticaUy to- 
wards him, and thrusting aedde his 
proffered hand, ground his teeth, as if 
to put a sharper edge on what he was 
about to utter, and exclaimed, in a 
saw-like voice, — 

« Serpent!" 

"Sir!" exckimed Mr. Winkle, 
starting from his chair. 

'^Serpent, sir," repeated Mr. Pott, 
raising his voice, and then suddenly 
depressing it ; ^'l said. Serpent, sir — 
make the most of it." 

When you have parted with a man, 
at two o'clock in the morning, on 
terms of the utmost good fellowship, 
and he meets you again, «t half- 
past nine, and greets you as a serpent, 
it is not unreasonable to conclude that 
jsomeihing of an unpleasant nature has 
occurred meanwhile. So Mr. Winkle 
thought He returned Mr. Pott's gaze 
of stone, and in compliance with that 
gentleman's request, proceeded to make 
the most he could of the ^ serpent." 
The most, however, was nothing at 
all ; so, after a profound silence of 
some minutes' duration, he said, — 

^ Serpent, sir ! Serpent, Mr. Pott I 
What can you mean, sir ! — this is 
pleasantry." 

^ Pleasantry, sir ! " exclaimed Pott, 
with a motion of the hand, indicative 
of a strong denre to hurl the Britannia 
metal tea-pot at the head of his visitor. 

" Pleasantry, ear ! but no, I will be 

cafan ; I vnH be calm, sir ;" in proof 
of his calmness, Mr. Pott flung himself 
into a chair, and foamed at the mouth* 



*<My dear sir/' interposed Mr. 
Winkle. 

« Dear sir ! " repUed Pott « How 
dare you address me, as dear ar, sir ! 
How dare you look me in the face and 
do it, sir 1 " 

« Well, sir, if you come to tiiat," 
renK>ndedMr. Winkle, ^ how dare you 
look me in the face, and call me a ser- 
pent, sir 1 " 

** Because you are one/' replied Mr. 
Pott 

« Prove it, sir," said Mr. Winkle, 
warmly. ** Prove it" 

A malignant scowl passed over the 
profound face of the editor, as he drew 
from his pocket, the Independent of 
that morning ; and laying his finger 
on a particuliur paragraph, threw the 
journal across the table to Mr. Winkle. 

That gentieman took it up, and read 
as follows : — 

^Our obscure and filthy contem- 
porary, in some disgusting observa- 
tions on the recent election for this 
borough, has presumed to violate the 
hallowed sanctity of private life, and 
to refer, in a manner not to be misun- 
derstood, to the personal affairs of our 
late candidate — aye, and notwithstand- 
ing his base defeat, we will add, our 
future member, Mr. Fizkin. What 
does our dastardly contemporary 
mean 1 What would the rufifian say, 
if we, setting at naught, like him, the 
decencies of social intercourse, were 
to raise the curtain which happily 
conceals his private life from general 
ridicule, not to say from general exe- 
cration 1 What, u we were even to 
point out, and commoit on, facts and 
circumstances, which are pubUcly 
notorious, and beheld by every one, 
but our mole-eyed contemporary — 
what if we were to print the following 
effusion, which we received while we 
were writing the commencement of this 
article, f^om a talented fellow-towns- 
man and correspondent ! 

" "LINES TO A BRASS POT. 

'* * Oh Pott ! if you'd knoini 

How false she'd have grown. 
When you heard the marriage bells tinkle ; 

You'd have done then, I tow. 

What you cannot help now. 
And handed her over to W • ••••."• 



us 



POflTHUlfOra PAPBRS OF 



"'Wlttl;,'* wbAA BiJv PcMC^ solMuohr : 
^ what rhymes to * tinkle/ villan 1 '' 

«What rhymes to tinide!" said 
Bin. Pott, whose entrmee atliietHo- 
mmt fovntaBed the reply. ''What 
rhyiq^ to tinkle ? Why, Winkle, I 
shoidd eoBeeiTe:" Saying this, Mn, 
Pott smiled sweetly on the dia* 
tD!il>ed Piekwiehiaii, and extonded^her 
hand towards him. The a^tated 
Tom^man wonld haTe oceeptod it, in 
his confiision^ had not Pott indignantly 
interposed. 

«Back, ma'am— bwk!" said Hie 
editor. ^OMft his hand bafove my 
Teryfiwe!" 

«Mr. P.!** said hu aafconished 
lady. 

** Wretched 'womB, look here/* ok* 
daimed the hnshand. ^Look here^ 
ma^am^—* Lines to a taiass Pot' 
' Brass pot ;' — that *s me/ ma'am. 
* False 8Md. havegrown ;'• — fiat's yon, 
ma'am — ^yoa.** WKh thhi ebnllitiea of 
xsge, wMeh was not unaecompanied 
with some th ing like a tremble^ at <he 
ezpressioD of his wife's faee^ B&. Pott 
dariied the current mmiber of the 
EatanswiH Indepeodmt at her fiaet. 

'^Upon my word, sir," said the 
astonished Mrs. Pott, stoopmg to pick 
np &e paper. ^ Upon my wwd, sir 1 " 

Mr. Pott winced beneath the oon- 
temptnoiis gaae of his wife. He had 
made a desperate stnusrle to serew np 

unsorewea f^^ain. 

There appears nothing very tre- 
mendons in this litde sentence, '< Upon 
my word, sir," when it comes to be 
read ; but the tone of voice in wlueh 
it was delivered, and tiie look that 
accompanied it, both seeming to bear 
reference to some revenee to be there- 
after visited upon tiie head of Pott, 
prodoeed their full effect upon him. 
The most rnisldUnl observer ooald 
have detected in his troubled oomite- 
nance, a readiness to resign his Wel- 
lington boots to any effioent substitute 
who would have consented to stand in 
them at that moment. 

^*s. Pott read the paragraph, 
nttered a loud shriek, and threw her- 
self at fnH leng& on the hearth-rug, 



screamiag, and tapping it wiiih ti» 
heels of her shoes, in a-manner wfaidi 
conld leave no devbt of the pr Dp r i e ty 
of her feelings en the oooMion. 
« My dear," said the terrified Pott, 

-~^ I didn^ai^I baliaveditr^-I " 

but the milartanate man'iB Toiea was 
drownad in tbe acBeaBBUf' cf* his 



^ Mnk Pott, let ne eotreat:yoi^ ngr 
dear aa'aaa, to cem p oae yonrssi^" 
said Mn WtnUe^ bnttiieslDHkaaBd 
tappings were londeE^.aadi^nare fee* 
qoent thane^nBri 

«My dear," said Mr. Potty <<Lmb 
very serryi If you wont' eonsider 
your own health, ceiiasler me,, my 
dear. We shall. havea crowd rmaad 
thehoosew" Bat the msre atMuauu siy 
Mr. Pott entfeatody the mi 
mently the -soreams poured forth. 

Very fortunately, heweva% 
to Mrs. Pott's person waa a body- 
goacd of one, a yenng lady whose 
ostensible employmigDt waa to pnasie 
over her toilci, but wfaoreBdarBdiher- 
self useful in a vane^ of ways,jmdin 
none more so than m the pactiBBhar 
department of constantly udiag and 
abetting her mi at ieaa in every wish 
and inclination opposed to the dMirea 
of the unhappy Pott. The screams 
reached this young lady^s ears in due 
coarse, and broi:^fat her into the znora 
with a speed which tfareatened to da- 
range, materially, the very exqniaite 
arrangement of her cap and rin^eta. 

^ Oh, my dear, dear mistresa ! " exf 
daimed the body-gnard, kneeling feas* 
tically by the side of the prostrate 
Mrs. Pott «0h, my dear nnstress, 
what is the matter I " 

^Yoor master— your brutal ma»> 
ter/' murmured the patient 

Pott was evidently giving way» 

«It'8 a shame," said the body- 
guard, reproachfully. ** I know he *11 
be the death on yea, ma^am. Poor 
dear thing P* 

He gave way more. The opponte 
party followed up the attack. 

'^Oh don't leave me — don't leave 
me, Goodwin," murmured Mrs. Pott, 
chttching at the wrists of the said 
Goodwin with an hysteric jerk. 



THB TiCKWKX CLUB. 



145 



^ You're Hie oidy prnma that's kind 
to me, Croodwin.'* 

M Una aflbetmg appeal^ Goodwin 
got up a Utde domeslw tragedy of bar 
oiWD, and riwd' tears ooipioiaBfy, 

^ Never,Hia'aia— Barer;'* said Good* 
win. ^Ohy«ir, yon shenild be eaarefal 
— youialionid indeed ; 70a doB*t bMm 
wiiat faann yoa may do imms ; yoB*Il 
be aerry for it-oae day^ I Isnew — I*Te 
always said so.*^ 

The nnlaeky Pott laokediaimdly on, 
but said nothing. 

«( Goodwin,'' said VixA.. Pott, in a 

8Dtt VOI06k 

« Ma'am/' sbmI Goodwin. 

^ If yoB oidy knswiioiw I.b»ve loyed 
Ibctman ^' 

^ Don't disteesByoonelf byimsolleet^ 
ing ity ma^aim," said tbe betty-guard. 

Pott looked f <M r y fr S j^t emed. It was 
time to finiidi him* 

«And now/' sobbed Mrs. Pott^ 
"nowy after'idl, to be treated in this 
way ; to be repraaefaed and insidtedin 
the preaeneer of a< third pazty, and 
that party ahnost a stranger. But I 
will not sabnit to it ! Goodwin," con- 
tianed Mm Pott, xaisinghanwlf inthe 
asms of her attendant, ^ my brotiier, 
the Licnteiiant, shidl intsrfcre. I'll 
be separated, Gioedwis/' * 

<' It woidd oertaiidy Barvelnm ri^t, 
ma'am," said Goodwin. 

Whateyer thoughts the linnat of a 

Sparation might haye awakened in 
r. Pott's nund, he foreboro to give 
utterance to them, and contented him- 
self by saying, witii great fammlity^ — 
" My dear, will you hear me \ *• 
A fresh train of sobs was the only 
reply> as Mrs. Pott grew more hyste- 
rial, requested to be informed why 
she was ever bom, and required 
simdry other pieces of infonnation of 
a similar description. 

'< My dear," remonstrated Mr. Pott, 
^do not giye way to these sensitive 
feelings. I never believed that &e 
paragraph had any foundation, my 
dear — impossible. I was only angry, 
my dear — I may say outrageous — 
with the Independent people for daring 
to insert it; that's aU:" Mr. Pott 
cast an imploring look at the inno- 



cmt canse of the misduef, as if' to 
entreat him to say nothing abont the 
serpent. 

^ And what steps, sir, do yon mean 
to take to obtam redress t" inspired 
Mr. Winkle, gaining coun^ as he 
saw Pott losH^ it. 

^'Oh, Goodwin," observed Mm 
Pott, <^does he mean to horsewinp 
Ae editor of the Indepeaident--4oeB 
he, Goodwin!" 

^'Hush, hush, ma'am; pray keep 
yourself quiet," replied tbe body- 
goard* *^ I due say he will, if you 
wish it, ma'am." 

« Certainly," said Pott, as Ins wife 
eviuoed decided symptoms of going off 
again. '' Of course I shaU." 

«Wiien, Goodwm — whenf" said 
Mrs. Pott, stiU mideesded' about the 
going'off. 

^ Immediately, of coarse^" said Mr. 
Pott ; « before the day is out* 

^ CHi, Goodwin," resumed Mrs; Pott, 
''it's the only way of^ meeting the 
slander, and settmg me right with the 
worid." 

*< Certainly, ma'ams" replied Gk>od- 
win. ''No man as is a man, ma'am, 
could refuse to do it" 

So,aathe h y sterics were still hover- 
ing idiont, Mr. Pott said once more, 
that he would do it ; but Mrs. Pott 
was so overcome at tiie bare idea of 
having ever been suspected, that she 
was half-a-dozen times on tiie very 
verge of a rehqyse, and most unques- 
tionably would have gone off, had it 
not be«D for the indefatigable efforts 
of the assiduoiis Goodwin, and repeated 
entreaties for pardon from tiie con- 
qneared Pott; and finally, when that 
unhappy individual had been fright- 
ened and snubbed down to his proper 
level, Mrs. Pott recovered, and tiiey 
went to breidEfast. 

<' You win not allow tiiis base news- 
paper slander to shorten your stay 
here, Mr. Winkle!" said Mr& Pott, 
smiling throogfa the traces of her 
tears. 

«I hope not," said Mr. Pott, ac- 
tuated, as he spoke, by a wish that 
his visitor would choke himself witii 
the morsel of dry toast whieh he 



144 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



was raasixig to his lips at the moment : 
and 80 terminate his stay effectually. 

«* I hope not." 

**You are very good," said Mr. 
Winkle ; <'but a letter has been re- 
iseived from Mr. Pickwick — so I learn 
by a note from Mr. Tupman, which 
was brought up to my bed-room door, 
this morning — >in which he requests us 
to join him at Bury to-day ; and we 
are to leave by the coach at noon." 

" But you will come back ! " said 
Mrs. Pott. 

« Oh, certainly," repUed Mr, Win- 
kle. 

^ You are quite sure ? " said Mrs. 
Pott, stealing a tender look at her 
visitor. 

^ Quite," responded Mr. Winkle. 

The breakfast passed off in silence, 
for each member of the party was 
broo4ing over his, or her, own personal 
grievances. Mrs. Pott was regretting 
Uie loss of a beau ; Mr. Pott ms rash 
pledge to horsewhip the Independent ; 
Mr. Winkle his having innocently 
placed himself in so awkward a situa- 
tion. Noon approached, and after 
many adieux and promises to return, 
he tore himself away. 

^ If he ever comes back, I'll poison 
him," thought Mr. Pott, as he turned 
Into the littie back office where he 
prepared his thunderbolts. 

" If I ever do come back, and mix 
myself up with these people again," 
thought Mr. Winkle, as he wended his 
way to the Peacock, ^ I shall deserve 
to be horsewhipped myself — ^that 's all." 

His friends were ready, the coach 
was nearly so, and in half-an-hour 
ihey were proceeding on their journey, 
along the road over which Mr. Pick- 
wick and Sam had so recently tra- 
velled, and of which, as we have 
already said sometliing, we do not feel 
called upon to extract Mr. Snodgrass's 
poetical and beautiful description* 

Mr. Weller was standing at the 
door of the Angel, ready to receive 
them, and by that gentleman they 
were ushered to the apartment of Mr. 
Pickwick, where, to the no small sur- 
prise of Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snod- 
grass, and the no small embarrass- 



ment of Mr. Tupman, they found old 
Wardle and Trundle. 

^ How are you 1 " said the old man, 
gi*asping Mr. Tupman's hand. << Don't 
hang back, or look sentimental about 
it ; it can't be helped, old fellow. For 
her sake, I wish you 'd had her ; for 
your own, I'm very glad you have 
not A youne fellow like you, will do 
better one of these days — eh ! " With 
this consolation, Wardle slapped Mr. 
Tupman on the back, and laughed 
heartily. 

** Well, and how are you, my fine 
fellows 1" said the old gentleman, 
shaking hands with Mr. Winkle and 
Mr. SnodgrasB at the same time. << I 
have just been telling Pickwick that 
we must have you all down at Christ- 
mas. We^re going to have a wedding 
— a real weddmg this time." 

^ A wedding I " exclaimed Mr. Snod- 
grass, turning very pale. 

<<Yes, a weddmg. But don't be 
frightened," said the good-humoured 
old man ; <<it's only Trundle there, 
and Bella." 

«Oh,is that alii" said Mr. Snod- 
grass, relieved from a painful doubt 
which had fallen heavily on his breast. 
" Give you joy, sir. How is Joe 1 " 

**0h, he ; — very well," replied the 
old gentleman. ^ Sleepy as ever." 

** And your mother, and the clergy- 
man, and all of 'em I " 

« Quite well." 

"Where," SMd Mr. Tupman, with 
an effort — ''where is — tJie, sir 1 " and 
he turned away his head, and covered 
his eyes with his hand. 

''me/** said the old gentleman, 
with a knowing shake pf the head. 
" Do you mean my single relative— 
ehl" 

Mr. Tupman, by a nod, intimated 
that his question appUed to the disap- 
pointed Rachael. 

'<0h, she's gone away," said the 
old gentleman. ''She's living at a 
relation's, far enough off. She couldnH 
bear to see the girls, so I let her go. 
But come I Here 's the dinner. You 
must be hungry after your ride. I 
am, without any ride at all ; so let us 
fall to." 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



145 



Ample justice was done to the 
meal ; and when they were seated 
round the table, after it had been dis- 

Eosed of, Mr. Pickwick, to the intense 
error and indignation of his followers, 
related the adventure he had under- 
gone, and the success which had air 
tended the base artifices of the dia- 
bolical Jinele. 

''And ue attack of rheumatism 
which I caught in that garden," said 
Mr. Pickwick, in conclusion, *' renders 
me lame at this moment" 

<< I, too, have had something of an 
adventure," said Mr. Winkle, with a 
smile ; and at the request of Mr. Pick- 
wick, he detailed the malicious libel of 
the Eatanswill Independent, and the 
consequent excitement of their friend, 
the editor. 

Mr. Pickwick*s brow darkened, du- 
ring the recital. His friends observed 
it, and, when Mr. Winkle had con- 
cluded, maintained a profound silence. 
Mr. Pickwick struck the table empha- 
tically with his clenched fist, and spoke 
as foUows : 

''Is it not a wonderful circum- 
stance," said Mr. Pickwick, "that we 
seem destined to enter no man's house, 
without involving him in some degree 
of trouble! Does it not, I ask, be- 
speak the indiscretion, or, worse than 
that, the blackness of heart — that I 
should say so ! — of my followers, that, 
beneath whatever roof they locate, 
they disturb the peace of mind and 
happiness of some confiding female! 
Is it not, I say " 

Mr. Pickwick would in all proba- 
bility have gone on for some time, 
had not the entrance of Sam, with a 
letter, caused him to break off in his 
eloquent discourse. He passed his 
handkerchief across his forehead, took 
off his spectacles, wiped them, and put 
them on again ; and his voice had re- 
covered its wonted softness of tone, 
when he said, 

" What have you there, Sam ! " 

" Called at the Post-ofiice just now, 
and found this here letter, as has laid 
there for two days," replied Mr. Wel- 
ler. "It's sealed vith a vafer, and 
directed in roimd hand." 

No. 10. 



"I don't know this hand," said Mr. 
Pickwick, opening the letter. " Mercy 
on us ! what *s this ! It must be a jest ; 
it — ^it— can't be true." 

"What's the matter!" was the 
general inquiiy. 

" Nobody dead, is there ? " said 
Wardle, ahurmed at the horror in Mr. 
Pickwick's countenance.' 

Mr. Pickwick made no reply, but, 
pushing the letter across the table, 
and desiring Mr. Tupman to read it 
aloud, fell back in his chair with a 
look of vacant astonishment quite 
alarming to behold. 

Mr. Tupman, with a trembling 
voice, read the letter, of which the 
following is a copy : — 

Freenum^s Cowrt, ComhiU, 
Augiut 28th, 1830. 
Bardell agaimt Pickwich 
Sir, 

Hwoing been inttructed hy Mrs, 
Mwrika BardeUy to commence an (iction 
agamtt you, for a brecxh of promise of 
marriage, for whiclh the plaintiff lay^ 
her damages ai fifteen hundred pounds, 
we beg to inform you that a writ ha» 
been issvad against you in this suit, in 
the Court of Common Pleas; and re- 
quest to know, by return of post, tho 
name of your attorney in London, who- 
wiU accept service thereof 
We are. Sir, 
Tour obedient servants, 
Dodsona/nd Fogg, 
Mr. Samuel Pickwick, 

There was somJBthing so impressive 
in the mute astonishment with which 
each man regarded his neighbour, and 
every man regarded Mr. Pickwick, 
that all seemed afrud to speak. The 
silence was at length broken by Mr. 
Tupman. 

"Dodson and Fogg," he repeated 
mechanically. 

" BardeU and Pickwick," said Mr. 
Snodgrass, musing. 

"Peace of mind and happiness of 
confiding females," murmured Mr. 
Winkle, with an air of abstraction. 

" It *s a conspiracy," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, at length recovering the power 
of speech ; " a base conspiracy bc- 

L 



146 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



tween these two grasping attomeys^ 
Dodson and Fogg. Mrs. iUffdell vould 
never do it ; — &o kasn't the heart to 
do it ;— she hasn't the oaae to do it 
Ridiculous — ridiculous." 

« Of her heart," said Waidle, with 
a smile, " you should certainly im the 
best judge. I don't wish to disoomage 
YOU, but I should certainly say that, of 
her case, Dodson and Fogg are far 
better judges than any of us, can be." 

<< It 's a vile attem^it to extort 
money»" said Mr. Pickwick. 

« I hope it is;* said Waidle, with a 
short, d^ cough. 

** Who ever heard me addressiher 
in anv way but that in which a lodger 
would address his landlady!" con- 
tinued Mr. Pickwick, with great 
vehemence. ^ Who ererssw me with 
her ? Not even my friends here ^" 

*' Except on one occasion," said Mr. 
Tupman. 

Mr. Pickwick changed colour. 

« Ah," said Wardle. « WeU, thaf* 
important There was nothing sus- 
picious Aen, I suppose 1 " 

Mr. Tupman elaneed timidly at his 
leader. " Why," he said, " there was 
nothing suspicious ; but — I don't know 
how it happened, mind — she certainly 
was rechning in his arms." 

** Ghncious powers ! " ejaculated Mr. 
Pickwick, as the recollection of the 
scene in questi(m, struck forcibly upon 
him ; ** what a dreadful instance of 
the force of circumstances! So she 
was — so she was." 

^ And our friend was soothing her 
asguiah," said Mr. Winkle, nilher 
maliciously. 

<'So I was," said Mr. Pickwick. 
« I won't deny it So I was." 

<< HalloJ " said Wardle ; *< for a case 
m which there's nothing suspidous, 
this looks rather queer — eh, Pick- 
wick) Ah, sly dog — sly dog!" and 
he laughed till the glasses on the ride- 
board, rang again. 



<< What a dreadful conjunction of 
appearances ! " exclaimed Mr. Pick- 
wick, resting • his chin up<m his hands. 
'^ Winkle — ^Tupman — ^I b^.your par- 
don for the ebservations I made just 
now. We are all the victims of cir- 
cunstances, and I the- greatest" With 
this apolosy, Mr. Pickwick boned his 
head in ms hands, and mminated ; 
while Wacdle measured oat a regular 
oirole of nods andnpirinks, addressed to 
the other members of the company. 

'< I'll have it- explained, uiough," 
said Mr. Pickwick, raising his head, 
and hammering the table. ^I'U see 
this Dodson andFogg 1 I'll go to Lon- 
don te^nonow." 

<(Not to-mocrow," mad W«dle; 
<* youte toe lame." 

"Well then, next day." 

<^Nezt day ia the first of Septem- 
ber, and yon 're pledged ta ride out 
with us, as ftr as Sir Greofifrey Man- 
ning's grotmds, at all •«v6nts, and to 
meet us at hmcb, if yon don't take the 
field." 

<<Well then, the day after," said 
Mr. Pickwick ; « Thursday.— Sam ! " 

^ Sir," repUed Mr. Weller. 

<^ Taketwo places outride to London, 
on Thursday morning, for yooraelf 
and me." 

« Weiy well, sir." 

Mr. Weller left the room, and de- 
parted slowly on his errand, wkh his 
hands in his pocket, and his eyes fixed 
on the greund. 

" Bauu feller, the hemperor," said 
Mr. Weller, as he walked slowly up 
the street. " Think o' his makine up 
to that ere Mrs. Bardell — nth a little 
boy, too ! Always the vay vith these 
here old 'uns hows'ever, as is such 
steady goers to look at. I didn't think 
he'd ha' done it, though — I didn't think 
he'd ha' done it ! " And moralising in 
this strain, Mr. Samuel Weller bent 
his steps tomrards the boddaf-office. 



THE PICK WICK CLUB. 



147 



CHAPTER XIX. 

A mBAftAKT DyLT, WHS AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION. 



The birds, who, happily for their 
owB peace of mind, and personal com-' 
f ort^ were in blissful ignorance of the 
preparations whidi had beooi making 
to Astoniflh theniy on the first of Sep> 
tember^. hailed it no doubt, as one of 
the pleasantest mornings they had seen 
that season. Many a young partridge 
who strutted complao^tly among the 
stubble, with aU the finicking oox- 
eombry of youth, and many an older 
one who watched his leyity ont of his 
little round eye, with the contemptuous 
air of a bird of wisdom and experience, 
alike unconscious of their approadiing 
doom, basked in the fresh meming air 
with Uvely and blithesome feelings, and 
a few hours afterwards wero Is^ low 
upon the earth. But we grow affect- 
ing : let us proceed. 

In plain common-place matter-of- 
fact, dien, it was a fine mornlng-^so 
fine that you would scarcely have be- 
lieved that the few months of an 
English summ«* had yet flown by. 
Hedges, fields, and trees, hill and 
moorland, presented to the eye their 
eyer>varying shades of deep rich green ; 
scarce a leaf had faUen,scarceasprinkle 
of yellow mmgled with the hues of 
summer, warned you that autumn had 
begun. The sky was cloudless-; the 
sun shone out bright and warm ; the 
songs of birds, and hum of myriads of 
summer insects, filled the air ; and the 
cottage gardens, crowded with flowers 
of every rich and beautiful iint,Bparkled, 
in the heavy dew, like beds of glittering 
jewels. £verytlung bore the stamp of 
summer, and none of its beautif^ 
colours had yet fsuled from the die. 

Such was the morning, when an 
open caniage, in which were three 
IHckwickians, (Mr. Snodgrass having 
preferred to semain at home,) Mr. 
Wardle, and Mr. Trundle, with Sam 
Weller on the box beside the driver, 
puUed up by a gate at fhe road-side, 
before which stood a tail, raw-boned 
gamekeeper, and a half-booted, lea&er- 



leggined boy: each bearing a bag of 
capacious dimensions, and accompanied 
by a brace of pointers. 

" I say," whispered Mr. Winkle to 
Wardle, as the man let down the steps, 
^ ihej don't suppose we're going to 
kill game enough to fill those b^gs, do 
they ! " 

« FiU them ! "^ exclaimed old Wardle. 
" Bless you, yes ! You shall fill- one, 
and I the o^er ; and when we've dmie 
with them, the pockets of our shootdng- 
jaekets will hold as much more." 

Mr. Winkle dismounted without 
saying anything in reply to this obser- 
vation ; Imt he thou^t within himself 
that if the party remained in the open 
air, until he had filled one of the bags, 
they stood a considerable. chance of 
catching colds in their heads. 

** Hi, Juno, lass — ^hi, old girl ; doiwn, 
Daph, down," said Wardle, caressing 
the dogs. ^ Sir Gveofirey s^U in Scot- 
land, of course, Mai*tin 1 " 

The tall gamekeeper \.*eplied in tiie 
affirmative, and looked wiUi some sur- 
prise from Mr. Winkle, who was bold- 
mg his gun as if he wished his coat 
pocket to save him the trouble of puU- 
ing the trigger, to Mr. Tiqpman, who 
was holding his, as if he were afraid 
of it — as there is no earthly reason to 
doubt he really was. 

'f My friends are not much in the 
way of this sort of thing yet, Martin," 
said Wardle, noticing the look. *^ Live 
and learn, you know. They'll be good 
shots one of these days.. I beg my 
friend Winkle's pardon, though; he 
has had some practice." 

Mr. Winkle smiled feebly over his 
blue neckerchief in acknowledgment of 
the compliment, and got himself so 
mysteriously entangled with his gun, 
in his modest confusion, that if the 
piece had been loaded, he must inevi- 
tably have shot himself dead upon the 
i^ot. 

" You nrastn't handle yotir piece in 
that ere way, when you come to have 

l2 



148 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



the charge in it, sir," said tlie tall 
gamekeeper graffly, <' or I'm damned 
if you won't make cold meat of some 
on us." 

Mr. Winkle, thus admonished, ab- 
ruptly altered its position, and in so 
domg, contrived to bring the barrel 
into pretty smart contact with Mr. 
Weller*s head. 

** Hallo ! " said Sam, picking up his 
hat, which had been knocked off, and 
rubbing his temple. ^ Hallo, sir ! if 
you comes it this vay, you'll fill one o' 
them bags, and something to spare, at 
one fire." 

Here the leather-leggined boy laughed 
very heartily, and then tried to look as 
if it was somebody else, whereat Mr. 
Winkle frowned majestically. 

** Where did you tell tiie boy to 
meet us with the snack, Martin I " in- 
quired Wardle. 

" Side of One-tree Hill, at twelve 
o'clock, sir." 

^ That's not Sir Geoffrey's hmd, is 
it!" 

^ No, nr J but it 's close by it. It 's 
Captain Boldwig's land; but there'll 
be nobody to interrupt us, and there 's 
a fine bit of turf there." 

« Very well," sud old Wardle. 
^ Now the sooner we^re off the better. 
Will you join us at twelve, then, Pick- 
wick I " 

^ Mr. Pickwick was particularly de- 
sirous to view the sport, the more 
especially as he was rather anxious in 
respect of Mr. Winkle's life and limbs. 
On so inviting a morning, too, it was 
very tantalimng to turn back, and 
leave his friendisi to enjoy themselves. 
It was, therefore, with a very rueful 
air that he replied, 

« Why, I suppose I must" 

'^ An't the gentleman a shot, sir ! " 
inquired the long gamekeeper. 

« No," repUed Wardle ; « and he 's 
lame besides." 

*' I should reirv much like to go,** 
said Mr. Pickwick, ** very much'." 

There was a short pause of commi- 
seration. 

^ There 's a barrow t' other side tiie 
hedge," said the boy. << If the gen- 
tleman's servant would wheel tSong 



the paths, he could keep nigh us, and 
we could lift it over the stiles and 
that" 

** The wery thing," said Mr. Weller, 
who was a party interested, inasmuch 
as he ardentiy longed to see the sport. 
<< The wery thing. Well said. Small- 
check ; I'll have it out, in a minute." 

But here a difficulty arose. The 
long gamekeeper resolutely protested 
against the introduction into a shoot- 
ing party, of a gentieman in a barrow, 
as a gross violation of all established 
rules and precedents. 

It was a great objection, but not an 
insurmountable one. The gamekeeper 
having been coaxed and feed, and 
having, moreover, eased his mind by 
''punching" the head of the inventive 
youth who had first suggested the use 
of the machine, Mr. Pickwick was 
phused in it, and off the party set; 
Wardle and the long gamekeeper lead- 
ing the way, and Mr. Pickwick in the 
biuTOw, propelled by Sam, bringing up 
the rear. 

<<Stop, Sam," said Mr. Pickwidc, 
when they had got half across the first 
field. 

« What's the matter now 1" said 
Wardle. 

^1 won't suffer this barrow to be 
moved another step," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, resolutely, ** unless Winkle car- 
ries that gun of his, in a different 
manner." 

" How am I to carry it ! " said the 
wretched Winkle. 

''Garry it with the muzzle to the 
ground," replied Mr. Pickwick. 

**It's so unsportsman-like," rea- 
soned Winkle. 

"I don't care whether it's unsports- 
man-like or not," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick ; " I am not going to be shot in 
a wheelbarrow, for 3ie sake of appear- 
ances, to please anybody." 

" I know the gentieman '11 put that 
ere charge into somebody afore he '• 
done," growled the long man. 

« WeU, well— I donH mind," said 
poor Mr. Winkle, turning lus gun- 
stock uppermost ; — ** there." 

"AnyUim' for a quiet life,'* said Mr. 
Weller ; and on they went again. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



149 



<<Stopl" said Mr. Pickwick, after 
they had gone a few yards fiirther. 

« What now I " said Wardle. 

^ That gun of Tupman's is not safe : 
I know it isn't/' said Mr. Pickwick. 

<<£h ! What ! not s&fel" said Mi\ 
Tupman, in a tone of great alarm. 

" Not as you are carrying it," said 
Mr. Pickwick. " I am very sorry to 
make any further objection, but I can- 
not consent to go on, unless you carry 
it^ as Winkle does fcds." 

^I think you had better, sir," said 
the long gamekeeper, ''or you're 
quite as likely to lodge the chi^ge in 
your seef as in anything else." 

Mr. Tupman, with the most obliging 
haste, placed his piece in the position 
required, and the party moved on 
again ; the two amateurs marching 
with reversed arms, like a couple of 
privates at a royal funeral. 

The dogs suddenly came to a dead 
stop, and ^e party advancing stealthily 
A single pace, stopped too. 

** What 's the matter with the dogs' 
legs ! " whispered Mr. Winkle. "How 
queer they 're standing." 

" Hush, can't you 1 " replied War- 
die, softly. " Don't you see, they/re 
making a point 1 " 

** Making a point ! " said Mr. Win- 
kle, staring about him, as if he ex- 
pected to discover some particular 
beauty in the landscape, which the 
sagacious animals were calling special 
attention to. '' Making a point I What 
are they pointing at \ " 

" Keep your eyes open," said War- 
die, not heeding the question in the 
excitement of the moment. ''Now 
then." 

There was a sharp whirring noise, 
that made Mr. Winkle start back as if 
he had been shot himself. Bang, 
bang, went a couple of guns ; — the 
smoke swept quickly away over the 
field, and curled into the air. 

" Where are they ! " said Mr. Win- 
kle, in a state of the highest excite- 
ment, turning round and round in all 
directions. " Where are they 1 Tell 
me when to fire. Where are they — 
where are they 1 " 

" Where are they ! " said Wardle, 



taking up a brace of birds wliich the 
dogs had deposited at his feet. 
" Where are they ! Why, here they 
are." 

" No, no ; I mean the others," said 
the bewildered Winkle. 

"Far enough off, by this time," 
replied Wardle, coolly reloading his 
gun. 

" We shall very likely be up with 
another covey in five minutes," said 
the long gamekeeper. " If the gentle- 
man begins to fire now, perhaps he '11 
just get the shot out of tiie barrel by 
the time they rise." 

"Hal hal haI"roaredMr. Weller. 

" Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, compas- 
sionating his follower's confusion and 
embarrassment. * 

" Sir." 

" Don't kugh." 

"Certainly not, sir." So, by way 
of indemnification, Mr. Weller con- 
torted his features from behind the 
wheelbarrow, for the exclusive amuse- 
ment of the boy with the leggings, 
who thereupon burst into a boisterous 
laugh, and was summarily cuffed by 
the long gamekeeper, who wanted a 
pretext for turning round, to hide his 
own merriment 

"Bravo, old fellow!" said Wardle 
to Mr. Tupman ; " you fired that time, 
at all events." 

" Oh yes," replied Mr. Tupman ; 
with conscious pride. " I let it off." 

" Well done. You '11 hit something 
next time, if you look sharp. Very 
easy, ain't it 1 " 

"Yes, it's very easy," said Mr. 
Tupman. " How it hurts one's shoul- 
der, though. It nearly knocked me 
backwards. I had no idea Ihese small 
fire-arms kicked so." 

" Ah," said the old gentleman, smil- 
ing ; " you '11 get used to it, in time. 
Now then — all ready — all right with 
the barrow there ? " 

« All right, sir," repUed Mr. Weller, 

" Come along then." 

" Hold hard, sir," said Sam, raising 
the barrow. 

" Aye, aye," replied Mr. Pickwick ; 
and on they went, as briskly as 
need be. 



150 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



''Keep tbftt barrow back now," 
cried Wardle, when it had been hoisted 
orer a stile into another field, and Mr. 
Pickwick had been deposited in it 
once more. 

« AU right, sip," repUed Mr. Weller, 
pausing. 

« Now Whikle," said the old gentle- 
man, ** follow me softly, and don*t be 
too hkte this time." 

« Never fear," said Mr. Winkle. 
^ Are they pointing ! " 

** No, no ; not now. Qinetly now, 
quietly." On they crept, and very 
quietly they would hare advanced, n 
Mr. WinUe, in the performance of 
some very intricate evohxtions with his 
gun, had qot accidentally fired, at the 
most critical moment, over the boy*s 
head, exactlv in the very spot where 
the tall man s brain would have been, 
had he been there instead. 

'' Why, what on earth did yon do 
that for?" said old Wardle, as tiie 
birds flew unharmed away. 

''I never saw such a gun in my 
life," replied poor Mr. Winkle, looking 
at the lock^ as if tiiat would do any 
good. ** It goes off, of its own accord. 
It ma do itJ' 

« Will do it ! " echoed Wardle, with 
something of irritation in his manner. 
^ I wish it would kill something of its 
own accord." 

''It 11 do that afore long, rar," ob- 
served the tall man, in a low, prophetic 
voice. 

"What do you mean by that ob- 
servation, sir 1 " inquired Mr. Winkle, 
angrily. 

" Never mind, sir, never mind," 
replied the lon^ gamekeeper ; " I 've 
no fSunily mysdf, sir ; and this here 
boy's mother will get something hand- 
some from Sir Geoffrey, if he 's killed 
on his land. Load again, sir, load 
again." 

''Take away his gun," cried Mr. 
Pickwick from the banrow, horror- 
stricken at the long man's dark insi- 
nuations. "Take away his gun, do 
you hear, somebody f " 

Nobody, however, volunteered to 
obey the command ; and Mr. Winkle, 
after darting a rebellious glance at 



Mr. Pickwick, reloaded his gon, and 
proceeded onwards with the rest 

We are bound, on the authority of 
Mr. Pickwick, to state, that Mr. Tup- 
man's mode of proceeding evinced far 
more of prudence and delft>eration, 
than tiiat adopted by Mr. Winkle. 
Still, this by no means detracts from 
the great authority of the latter gen- 
tleman, on all matters connected with 
the field ; because, as Mr. Pickwick 
beautifuUy observes, it has somehow 
or other happened, from time imme- 
morial, that many of the best and' 
ablest philosophers, who have been 
perfect limits of science in .matters of 
theory, have been wholly unable to 
reduce them to practice. 

Mr. Tupman's process, like many of 
our most sublime discoveries, was ex- 
tremely simple. With the quickness 
and penetration of a man of genius, he 
had at once observed that the two 
great points to be attained were — first, 
to discharge his piece without injury 
to himself, and, secondly, to do so, with- 
out danger to the by-standers ; — obvi- 
ously, the best thing to do, after sur- 
mountmg the difficulty of firing at all, 
was to shut ins eyes firmly, and fire 
into the air. 

On one occasion, after performing 
this feat, Mr. Tupman, on opening his 
eyes, beheld a plump partridge in the 
very act of fiuling wounded to the 
ground. He was on the point of con- 
gratulating Mr. Wardle on his inva- 
riable success, when that gentleman 
advanced towards him, and grasped 
him warmly by the hand. 

" Tupman," said the old gentleman, 
"you singled out that particular 
bird!" 

« No," said Mr. Tupman-^ no." 

" You did," said Wardle. « I saw 
you do it — I observed you pick him 
out— I noticed you, as you raised your 
piece to take um ; and I will say this, 
that tile best shot in existence could 
not have done it more beautifully. 
Yon are an older hand at this, than I 
thought you, Tupxnan ; you have 
been out before." 

It was in vain for Mr. Tupman to 
protest, with a smile of self-denia]^ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



151 



that fae never had. The rery smiie 
was taken as eridenee to the contrary ; 
and from that time forth, his reputa- 
tion was established. It is not the 
only repntntton that has been acquired 
as eas&y, nor are mich ibrtonate cir- 
cumstances confined to partridge- 
shooting. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Winkle flailed, and 
blazed^ and smdced away, without 
produdi^ any material rescdts worthy 
of being noted down ; sometimes ex.- 
pending his charge in mid-air, and at 
others sending it skimming along so 
near the surflAoe of the ground, as to 
place the fives of the two dogs on a 
rather uncertain and precarious tenure. 
As a display of iancy-shooting, it was 
extremely varied and cnrioos ; as an 
exhibition of firing with any precise 
object, it was, upon the whole, perhaps 
a failure. It is an established aadom, 
tiiat «< every buUet has ite billeC If 
it i^ply in an equal degree to shot, 
those <» Mr. Winkle weie unfortunate 
foundlings, deprived of l&eir natural 
rights, cast loose upon the worid, and 
billeted nowhere. 

« Well,'* said Wardle, waHdng up to 
the ride of the barrow, and wiping the 
streams of perspirstion from his jolly 
red face ; *< smoking day, isn't it 1 '' 

«It is indeed," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. ** The sun is tremendously liot, 
even to mei I don't know how you 
must feel it." 

« Why," said the old gentleman, 
" pretty hot. It *s past twelve, though. 
Yon see that green Mil therel** 

« Certainly." 

^^ That 's the place where we are to 
lunch ; and, by Jove, there's the boy 
witii tile bAskety punctual as clock- 
work!" 

«So he is," said Mr. Hckwick, 
brigfatenmg up. ^Good boy, that. 
Ill give him a riiilling, presently. 
Kow, then, Sam, wheel away." 

« Hold on, sir," said Mr. WeHer, 
invigorated with the prospect of re- 
freshments. " Out of the vay, young 
leathers. If yon waHey my precious 
life don't upset me, as the gen'l'man 
said to the driver, when they was a 
carryin' him to Tyburn." And quick- 



ening his pace to a riiarp run, Mr. 
WeHer wheeled his master nimUy to 
the green hill, shot him dexterously 
out fay the very side of the basket, and 
proceeded to unpack it with the utmost 
dispatch. 

« Weal pie," said Mr. Weller, sofi. 
loqnising, as he arranged the eatables 
on the grass. ** Wery good thing is a 
weal pie, when you know the lady as 
made i1^ and is quite sure it an't kit- 
tens ; and arter aU though, where 's the 
odds^ when tiiey're so fike weal that 
the wery piemen themsdves don't 
know the difference V 

« Don't they, Sam !" said Mi^ Pick- 
wicki 

« Not they, rir," replied Mr. WeUer, 
touching his hat. ^I lodged in tiie 
same house rith a pieman once, sir, 
and a wery nice man he was — reg'lar 
clever chap, too — make pies out o' 
anything, he could. * What a nnmber 
o' cats you keep, &Ir; Brooks,' savs I, 
when I'd got intimate with him. 
^ Ah,' says be, ' I do — a good many,' 
says he. ' You must be wery fond o' 
cats,' says I. < Other people is,* says 
he, a winkin' at me ; ' they an't in 
season till the winter tiiough,' says he. 
' Not in season ! ' sa^ I. ' No,' sa^ 
he, < fruits is in, cats is out' * Why, 
what do you mean f ' says I. 'Mean !' 
sa^s. he. ' That 1 11 never be a party 
to the combination o' the butchers, to 
keep up the prices o* meat,' says he. 
*Mr. Weller,' says he, a squeezing my 
hand wery hard, and vispering in my 
ear—' don't mention this here agin — 
but it's the seasonin' as does it. 
They 're all made o' them noble ani- 
mals,' says he, a pointin' to a wery 
nice little tabby kitten, ' and I seasons 
'em for beef-steak, weal, or kidney, 
'cordin to tiie demand. And more thui 
that,' says he, < I can make a weal a 
beef-steak, or a beef-steak a kidney, or 
any one on 'em a mutton, at a minute's 
notice, just as the market changes, and 
appetites wary ! ' " 

*' He must have been a very inge- 
nious young man, that, Sam," said 
Mr. Pickwick, witli a slight shudder. 

" Just was, sir," replied Mr. WeHer, 
ccmtinuing his occupation of emptying. 



152 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



the basket, ''and the pies was beau- 
tiful. Tongue ; well that *8 a wery 
good thing when it an't a woman's. 
Bread— knuckle o' ham, regular picter 
— cold beef in slices, wery good. What 's 
in them stone jars, young touch-and- 
go?" 

** Beer in this one," replied the boy, 
taking from his shoulder a couple of 
large stone bottles, fastened together 
by a leathern strap — '* cold punch in 
t'other." 

** And a wery good notion of a lunch 
it is, take it altogether," said Mr. 
Welier, surveying his arrangement of 
the repast wi& great satisfaction. 
''Now, gen'l'men, 'fall on,' as the 
English said to the French when they 
fix^ bagsinets." 

It needed no second invitation to 
induce the party to vield full justice 
to the meal ; and as httle messing did 
it require, to induce Mr. Weller, the 
long gamekeeper, and &e two boys, to 
station themselves on the grass at a 
little distance, and do good execution 
upon a decent proportion of the viands. 
An old oak tree afforded a pleasant 
shelter to the group, and a rich pros- 
pect of arable and meadow land, inter- 
sected with luxuriant hedges, and 
richly ornamented with wood, lay 
spread out below them. 

" This is delightful — ^thoroughly de- 
lightful ! " sud Mr. Pickwick, the skin 
of whose expressive countenance, was 
rapidly peeling off, with exposure to 
the sun. 

" So it is : so it is, old fellow," re- 
plied Wardle. « Come ; a glass of 
punch." 

" With great pleasure," said Mr. 
Pickwick ;*and the satisfaction of hb 
countenance after drinking it, bore 
testimony to the sincerity of the reply. 

" Good," said Mr. Pickwick, smack- 
ing his lips. " Very good. I '11 take 
another. Cool ; very cool. Come, gen- 
tlemen," continued Mr. Pickwick, 
still retaining his hold upon the jar, 
"a toast. Our friends at Dingley 
Dell." 

The toast was drunk with loud accla- 
mations. 

" I 'U tell you what I shall do, to 



zet up my shooting again," said Mr. 
Winkle, who was eating bread and 
ham with a pocket-knife. " I '11 put 
a stuffed partridge on the top of a 
post, and practise at it, beginning at a 
short distance, and lengthening it by 
degrees. I understand it's capital 
practice." 

" I know a gen'l'man, sir," said Mr, 
Weller, "as did that, and begun at 
two yards ; but he never tried it on 
agin ; for he blowed tiie bird right 
clean away at the first fire, and no- 
body ever seed a feather on hiim arter- 
wards." 

" Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. 

« Sir," replied Mr. Weller. 

" Have the goodness to reserve your 
anecdotes, 'till they are called for." 

« Cert'nly, sir." 

Here Mr. WeUer winked the eye 
which was not concealed by the beer- 
can he was raising to his lips, with 
such exquisiteness, that the two boys 
went into spontaneous convulsions, 
and even the long man condescended 
to smile. 

"Well, that certainly is most capital 
cold punch," said Mr. Pickwick, look- 
ing earnestly at the stone bottle ; 
" and the day is extremely warm, and 
— Tupman, my dear friend, a glass of 
punch ? " 

" With the greatest delight," replied 
Mr. Tupman ; and having drank that 
glass, Mr, Pickwick took another, just 
to see whether there was any orange 
peel in the punch, because orange 
peel always disagreed widi him ; and 
finding that there was not, Mr. Pick- 
wick took another glass to the health 
of their absent friend, and then felt 
himself imperatively caUed upon to 
propose another in honour of the punch- 
compounder, unknown. 

This constant succession of glasses, 
produced considerable effect upon Mr. 
Pickwick ; his countenance beamed 
with the most sunny smiles, laughter 
played around his lips, ' and good- 
humoured merriment twinkled in his 
eye. Yielding by degrees to the influ- 
ence of the exciting liquid, rendered 
more so by the heat, Mr. Pickwick ex- 
pressed a strong desire to recollect a 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



153 



song which he had heard in his infancy, 
and the attempt proving abortive, 
sought to stimulate his memory with 
more glasses of punch, which appeared 
to have quite a contrary effect; for, 
from forgetting the words of the soug, 
he began to forget how to articulate 
any words at all; and finally, after 
rising to his legs to address the com- 
pany in an eloquent speech, he fell 
into the barrow, and fast asleep, simul- 
taneously. 

The basket having been repacked, 
and it being found perfectly impossible 
to awaken Mr. Pickwick from his 
torpor, some discussion took place 
whether it would be better for Mr. 
Weller to wheel his master back again, 
or to leave him where he was, until 
they should all be ready to return. 
The latter course was at length de- 
cided on ; and as their further expe- 
dition was not to exceed an hour's 
duration, and as Mr. Weller begged 
very hai^ to be one of the party, it 
was determined to leave iSlr. Pickwick 
asleep in the barrow, and to call for 
him on their return. So away they 
went, leaving Mr. Pickwick snoring 
most comfortably in the shade. 

That Mr. Pickwick would have con- 
tinued to snore in the shade until his 
friends came back, or,in default thereof, 
until the shades of evening had fallen 
on the landscape, there appears no 
reasonable cause to doubt ; uways sup- 
posing that he had been suffered to 
remain there, in peace. But he was 
not suffered to remain there in peace. 
And this is what prevented him. 

Captain Boldwig was a little fierce 
man in a stiff black neckerchief and 
blue surtout, who, when he did conde- 
scend to walk about his property, did 
it in company with a thick rattan stick 
with a brass ferrule, and a gardener 
and sub-gardener wiUi meek faces, to 
whom (the gardeners, not the stick) 
Captain Boldwig gave his orders with 
all due grandeur and ferocity: for 
Captain Boldwig's wife's sister had 
married a Marquis, and the Captain's 
house was a villa, and his land 
" grounds," and it was all very high, 
and mighty, and great. 



Mr. Pickwick had not been asleep 
half an hour, when little Captain Bold* 
wig, followed by the two gardeners, 
came striding along as fast as his size 
and importance would let him ; and 
when he came near the oak tree. 
Captain Boldwig paused, and drew a 
long breath, and looked at the pros- 
pect, as if he thought the prospect 
ought to be highly gratified at hav- 
ing him to take notice of it; and 
then he struck the ground emphatically 
with his stick, and summoned the head- 
gardener. 

^ Hunt," said Captain Boldwig. 

" Yes, sir," said the gardener. 

^ Roll this place to-morrow morning 
— do you hear. Hunt 1 " 

« Yes, ar." 

'^ And take care that you keep me 
this place in good order — do you hear, 
Hunt ? " 

« Yes, sir." 

*^ And remind me to have a board 
done about trespassers, and spring 
guns, and all that sort of thing, to keep 
8ie common people out. Do you hear. 
Hunt ; do you hear 1 " 

« I'll not forget it, sir." 

*' I beg your pardon, sir," said the 
other man, advancing, with his hand 
to his hat. 

« Well, Wilkins, what 's the matter 
with you ) " said Captain Boldwig. 

" I beg your pardon, sir — but I 
think there have been trespassers here 
to-day." 

** Ha ! " said the Captain, scowling 
around him. 

" Yes, sir — they have been dining 
here, I think, sir." 

" Why, coufound their audacity, so 
they have," said Captain Boldwig, as the 
crumbs and fragments that were strewn 
upon the grass met his eye. " They 
have actually been devouriug their 
food here. I wish I had the vagabonds 
here ! " said the Captain, clenching 
the thick stick. 

" I wish I had the vagabonds here," 
said the Captain wrathfuUy. 

** Beg your pardon, sir," said Wilkins, 
«but— " 

"But what! Ehl" roared the 
Captain ; and foUowiug the timid 



154 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



glance of WiHcins, his eyes encotmtered 
the wheelbarrow and Mr. Pickwick. 

^ Who are you, you rascal ! " said 
the Captain^ administering several 
pokes to Mr. Pickwick's body with the 
thick stick. '' What 's your name 1 " 

*' Cold punch/' murmured Mr. Pick- 
wick, as he sunk to sleep agiun. 

« What 1 " demanded. Captain Bold- 
wig. 

No reply. 

^ What did he sa^ his name was 1 " 
asked the Captain. 

^ Punch, I think, sir," replied 
Wilkins. 

'^ That 's his impudence — that^s his 
confounded impudence," said Captain 
Boldwig. « He 's only feigning to be 
asleep now," said the Captain, in a high 
passion. '' He 's drunk ; he 's a dvunken 
plebeian. Wheel him away, Wilkins, 
wheel him away directly." 

*' Where shall I wheel him to, sir ? " 
inquired Wilkins, with great timidity. 

*' Wheel hnn to tibe Devil," replied 
Captain Boldwig. 

" Very well, sir," siud Wilkins. 

'' Stay," said the Captain. 

Wilkins stopped accordingly. 

^ Wheel hun/' said the Captain, 
^' wheel him to the pound ; and let us 
see whether he calLs himself Punch, 
when he comes to himself. He shall 
not bully me — he shall not buHy me. 
Wheel Wm away." 

Away Mr. Pickwick was wheeled in 
compliance with this imperious man- 
date ; and the great Captain Boldwig, 
swelling with indignation^ proceeded on 
his walk. 

Inexpressible was the astonishment 
of the httle party when they returned, 
to find that Mr. Pickwidc had disap- 
peared, and taken the wheelbarrow 
with him. It was the most myste- 
rious and unaccountable thing that 
was ever heard of. For a lame man 
to have got upon his legs without any 

Erevious notice, and walked off, would 
ave been most extraordinary ; but 
when it came to his wheeling a heavy 
barrow before him, by way of amuse- 
ment, it grew positively miraculous. 
They searched every nook and comer 
round, together and separately : they 



shouted, whistled, laughed, called^* 
and all with the same result. Mr. 
Pickwick was not to be found. After 
some hours of fruitless search, they 
arrived at the unwelcome conclu- 
sion, Ihat they must go home witttout 
him. 

Meanwhile Mr. Pickwick had bfeea 
wheeled to the Pound,, and safely de- 
posited therein, fast asleep in - the 
wheelbarrow, to the immeasurable de- 
Ught and satisfaction, not only of all 
the boys in the vUlage, but three 
fourths of the wb<^e population, who 
had gathered rouiid, in expectation of 
his waking. If their most mtense gra- 
tification had been excited by seeing 
him wheeled in, how many hundred- 
fold was their joy increased when, 
after a few indistinct cries of ** Sam 1 " 
he sat up in the barrow, and gazed 
with indescribable astonishment on 
the faces before hun. 

A general shout was of course the 
signal of his having woke up ; and his 
involuntary inquiry of ^ What 's the 
matter ? " occasioned another, louder 
than the first, if posnble. 

^ Here 's a game ! " roared {he popu- 
lace. 

" Where am 1 1 " exclaimed Mr 
Pickwick. 

'< In the Pound," replied the mob. 

** How came I here ? What was I 
doing ! Where was I brought from 1" 

** Boldwig — Captain Boldwig ! " was 
the only reply. 

" Let me out," cried Mr. Pickwick. 
** Where's my servant 1 Where are 
my friends ? " 

« You an*t got no Mends. Hurrah ! '* 
Then there came a turnip, then 
a potato, and then an egg : with a 
few other little tokens of the playful 
disposition of the many-beaded. 

How long this scene mi^t have 
lasted, or how much Mr. Pickwick 
mi^t have suffered, no one can tell^ 
had not a carriage which was driving 
swiftly by, suddenly pulled up, from 
whence tiiere descended old Wardle 
and Sam Weller, the former of whom, 
in far less time than it takes to write it, 
if not to read it, had made his way to 
Mr. Picki^ick's side, and placed him in 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



155 



Ihe vehicle, just as the latter had con* 
eluded the uiird and last round of a 
fikigle combat with the town-beadle. 

"Ron to the Justice's!" cried a 
dozen voices. 

" Ah, ran avay,** said Mr. Weller, 
jumping up on ^e box. <<Give my 
compliments — Mr.. Veller^ compli- 
ments — ^to the Justice, and tell him 
I've spiled his beadle, and that, if 
he'U 
back 
Drive on, old feller." 

" I '11 give dii^eetions for Ihe com- 
mencement of ail action for fallse im- 
prisonm^tt against this Captam Bold- 
wig, directly I get to London," said 
Mr. Pickwick, as soon as the carriage 
turned out of the town. 



svear m a new *un, 111 come 
agin to-morrow and spile him» 



*'We were 
said Wordle. 



trei^assing, it seems," 



«I don't care," said Mr. Pickwick, 
« I '11 l»mg the action." 

" No, you won't," said Wardle. 

** I will, by — " but as thca?e was a 
humorous expression in Waidle's face, 
Mr. Pickwick checked hims^, and 
said—^Whynotl" 

^ Because," said old WarcSe, half- 
bursting with laughter, <* because they 
might turn round on some of us, and say 
we had taken too much cold punch." 

Do what he would, a snnle would 
come into Mr. Pickwick's face ; the 
smile extended into a lau^ the laugh 
into a roar ; and the roar became 
general. So, to keep up their good 
humour, they stopped at the first road- 
side tavern they came to, and ordered 
a glass of brandy and water all round, 
with a magnum of extra strengl^, for 
Mr. . Samuel Welier. 



CHAPTER XX. 

SHOWIKG HOW DODfiON AND FOOG WERE KEN OF BUSINESS,. AND THEIR CLE&KS 
MEN OF PLEASU&E ; AND HOW AN AFFECTING INTEBVIEW TOOK PLACE 
BETWEEN MB. .WELLE& AND HIS LONO-LOST PABENT ; SHOWING AU90 WHAT 



CHOICE SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE 
CAPITAL CHAPTEEB THE NEXT ONE WILL BE. 



AND STUMP, AND WHAT A 



In the ground-'floor front of a dingy 
house, at the very furtiaest end of 
Freeman's Court, Comhill, sat the 
four deriEB of Messrs. Dodson and 
Fogg, two of his Majesty's Attorneys 
of the Courts of King's Bench and 
Common Pleas at Westminster, and 
solicitors of the High Court of Chan- 
cery; the aforesaid derka catching 
as favonrable glimpses of Heaven's 
light and Heaven's sun, in the 
course of thar daily ktbouis, as a 
man might hope to do, were he placed 
at the bottom of a reasonably deep 
well ; and without Ihe opportunity 
of perceiving the stars ia the day'^time, 
which the latter secluded 'situation 
affords. 

The clerkf^ office of Messrs. Dodson 
and Fogg was a dark, mouldy, earthy- 
smelling room, with a h^h wainsootted 
partition to screen the clerks from the 



vu^iar gaze : a couple of old wooden 
chs^ : a very loud^ticking clock : an 
almanack^ an umbreUa^tand, a row of 
hat pegs, and a few shelves, on which 
were deposited several ticketed bundles 
of dirty papers, some old deal boxes 
with paper labels, and sundry decayed 
stone ink bottles of various shapes and 
Biases. There was a ^ass door leading 
into the passage whidi formed the en- 
trance to the court, and on the outer 
side of this glass door, Mr. Pickwick,, 
elosely followed by Sam WeSer, pre- 
sented himself on the Friday morning 
succeeding the occurrence, of which- a 
faithful narration is given in the last 
chapter. 

" Come in, can*t you ! " cried a voice 
from behind the partition, in reply to 
Mr. Pickwick's gentle tap at the door. 
And Mr. Pickwick and Sam entered 
accordingly. 



156 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



'' Mr. Dodson or l^Ir. Fogg at home, 
sir 1 " inquired Mr. Pickwick, gently, 
advancing, hat in hand, towards the 
partition. 

^ Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. 
Fogg's particularly engaged," replied 
the voice ; and at the same time the 
head to which the voice belonged, with 
a pen behind its ear, looked over the 
partition, and at Mr. Pickwick. 

It was a ragged head, the sandy hair 
of which, scrupulously parted on one 
side, and flattened down with pomatum, 
was twisted into little semi-circular 
tails round a flat fSctce ornamented with 
a pair of small eyes, and garnished 
with a very dirty shii*t collar, and a 
rusty black stock. 

'< Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. 
Fogg 's particularlv engaged," said the 
man to whom the head l^longed. 

** When will Mr. Dodson be back, 
sir ? " inquired Mr. Pickwick. 
"Can't say." 

" Will it be long before Mr. Fogg is 
disengaged, sir 1 " 
« Don't know." 

Here the man proceeded to mend 
his pen with great deliberation, while 
anoUier clerk, who was mixing a Seid- 
litz power, under cover of the Ud of his 
desk, laughed approvingly. 

"IthinkI'Uwait,"said Mr.Pickwick. 
There was no reply ; so Mr. Pickwick 
sat down unbidden, and listened to the 
loud ticking of the clock and the mur- 
mured conversation of the clerks. 

'* That was a game, wasn't it ? " said 
one of the gentlemen, in a brown coat 
and brass buttons, inky drabs, and 
bluchers, at the conclusion of some 
inaudible relation of his previous even- 
ing's adventures. 

. "Devilish good — devilish good," said 
the Seidlitz-powder man. 

" Tom Cummins was in the chair," 
said the man with the brown coat ; " It 
was half-past four when I got to Somers 
Town, and then I was so uncommon 
lushey, that I couldn't find the place 
where the latch-key went in, and was 
obliged to knock up the old 'ooman. 
I say, I wonder what old Fogg 'ud sav, 
if he knew it. I should get the sack, 
Is'pose— ehr' 



At this humorous notion, all the 
clerks laughed in concei-t. 

" There was such a game with Fogg 
here, this momin'," said the man in 
the brown coat, " while Jack was up 
stairs sorting the papers, and you two 
were gone to the stamp-office. Fogg 
was £>wn here, opening the letters, 
when that chap as we issued the writ 
against at Camberwell, you know, came 
in — what's his name again ! " 

"Ramsey," said the derk who had 
spoken to Mr. Pickwick. 

"All, Ramsey — a predons seedy- 
looking customer. ' Well, sir,* says 
old Fogg, looking at him very fierce — 
you know his way — *well, sir, have 
you come to settle f ' ' Yes, I have, 
sir,* said Ramsey, putting his hand in 
his pocket, and bringing out the money, 
'the debt's two pound ten, and &e 
costs three pound five, and here it is, 
sir ; ' and he sighed like bricks, as he 
lugged out the money, done up in a bit 
of blotting-paper. Old Fogg looked 
first at the money, and then at him, 
and then he coughed in his rum way, 
so that I knew something was coming. 
* You don't know there's a declaration 
filed, which increases the costs mate- 
rially, I suppose ? ' said Fogg. * You 
don*t say that, sir,' said Ramsey, start- 
ing back ; ' Hie time was only out, last 
night, sir.' ' I do say it, though,' said 
Fogg, <my derk *s just gone to file it. 
Hasn*t Mr. Jackson gone to file that 
declaration in BuUman and Ramsey, 
Mr. Wicks ? ' Of course I said yes, 
and then Fogg coughed again, and 
looked at Ramsey. * My God ! ' said 
Ramsey ; ' and here have I nearly 
driven myself mad, scraping this money 
together, and all to no purpose.* * None 
at all,' said Fogg, cooUy ; ' so you had 
better go back and scrape some more 
together, and bring it here in time.' 
' I can't get it, by God,' said Ramsey, 
striking Sie desk with his fist * Don't 
bully me, sir,' said Fogg, getting into 
a passion on purpose. ' I am not bully- 
ing you, sir,' said Ramsey. ' You are,' 
said Fogg ; ' get out, sir ; get out of 
this office, sir, and come back, sir, 
when you know hoyr to behave your- 
self.' Well, Ramsey tried to speak. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



167 



bat Fogg wouldn't let himj so he put 
the money m his pocket, and sneaked 
out. The door was scarcely shut, when 
old Fogg turned round to me, with a 
Bweet smile on his face, and drew the 
deckuration out of his coat pocket. 
*Here, Wicks,' says Fogg, 'take a 
cab, and go down to the Temple as 
quick as you can, and file that. The 
costs are quite safe, for he 's a steady 
man with a lai^ family, at a salary of 
five-and-twenty shillings a week, and 
if he gives us a warrant of attorney, as 
he must in the end, I know his em- 
ployers will see it paid ; so we may as 
well get all we can out of him, Mr. 
Wicl^ ; it's a Christian act to do it, 
Mr. Wicks, for with his large family 
and small income, he'll be all the 
better for a good lesson against getting 
into debt, — won't he, Mr. Wicks, won't 
he ! ' — and he smiled so goodnaturedly 
as he went away, that it was delightful 
to see him. He is a capital man of 
business," said Wicks, in a tone of the 
deepest admiration, '^ capital, isn't he ! " 

llie other three cordmUy subscribed 
to this opinion, and the anecdote 
afforded the most unlimited satisfac- 
tion. 

^ Nice men these here, sir," whis- 
pered Mr. Weller to his master ; '' wery 
nice notion of fun they has, sir." 

Mr. Pickwick nodded assent, and 
coughed to attract the attention of the 
young gentleman behind the partition, 
who, having now relaxed their minds 
by a little conversation among them- 
selves, condescended to take some 
notice of the stranger. 

^ I wonder whether Fogg *& disen- 
gaged now I " said Jackson. 

" rU see," said Wicks, dismounting 
leisurely from his stool. ^ What name 
shall I teU Mr. Fogg ! " 

''Pickwick," replied the illustrious 
subject of these memoirs. 

Mr. Jackson departed up stairs on 
his errand, and immediately returned 
with a message that Mr. Fogg would 
see Mr. Pickwick in five minutes ; and 
having delivered it, returned again to 
his desk. 

** Whht did he say his name was 1 " 
whispered Wicks. 



* Pickwick," replied Jackson ; *it's 
the defendant in Bardell and Pick- 
wick." 

A sudden scraping of feet, mingled 
with the sound of suppressed laughter^ 
was heard firom behind the partition. 

''They're a twiggin' of you, sir," 
whispered Mr. Weller. 

" Twigging of me, Sam ! " replied 
Mr. Pickwick ; " what do you mean 
by twiffging me ! " 

Mr. Weller replied by pointing with 
his thumb over his shoulder, and Mr. 
Pickwick, on looking up, became sen- 
sible of the pleasing fisbct, that all the 
four clerks, with countenances expres- 
sive of the utmost amusement, and 
with their heads thrust over the wooden 
screen, were minutely inspecting the 
figure and general appearance of the 
supposed ^fler with female hearts^ 
and disturber of female happiness. On 
his looking up, the row of heads sud- 
denly disappeared, and the sound of 
pens travelling at a furious rate over 
paper, immediately succeeded. 

A sudden ring at the bell which 
hung^ in the office, summoned Mr. 
Jackson to the apartment of Fogg, 
from whence he came back to say that 
he (Fogg) was ready to see Mr. Pick- 
wick if he would step up stairs. 

Up stairs Mr. Pickwick did step ac- 
cordingly, leaving Sam WeUer below. 
The room door of the one-pair back, 
bore inscribed in legible characters 
the imposing words " Mr. Fogg ; " 
and, having tapped thereat, and been 
desired to come in, Jackson ushered 
Mr. Pickwick into the presence. 

" Is Mr. Dodson in ! " inquired Mr. 



Fogg. 
"Ji 



"Just come in, sir," replied Jack- 
son. 

" Ask him to step here." 

" Yes, sir." Exit Jackson. 

" Take a seat, air," said Fogg ; 
"there is the paper, sir : my pai>tner 
will be here directly, and we can con- 
verse about this matter, sir." 

Mr. Pickwick took a seat and the 
paper, but, instead of reading the lat^ 
ter, peeped over the top of it, and took 
a survey of the man of business, who 
was an elderly pimply-faced, veget- 



158 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



able-diet sort of man, in a black coat, 
dark mixture trousers, and small black 
gaiters : a kind of being who seemed 
to be an essential part of the desk at 
which be was wnting, and to have 
as much thought or sentiment. 

After a few minutes' silence^ Mr. 
Dodson, a plump, portly, stemrlookiBe 
man, with a loud voice, appeared ; and 
the conversation oommen(^. 

" This is Mr. Pickwick," said Fogg. 

'^ Ah 1 You are the defendant, sir, 
in Bardell and Pickwick ! " said Dod* 
son. 

" I am, sir,"* replied Mr. Pickwick. 

**Well, sir," said Dodson, "and 
what do you propose % " 

"Ah !" said Fogg, thrusting his 
hoods into his trousers' pockets, and 
throwing hdmseH back in his chair, 
" what do you propose, Mr. Pick- 
wick 1 " 

"Hush, Fogg," said Dodson, «let 
me hear what Mr. Pickwick has to 
say." 

" I came, gentlemen," replied Mr. 
Pickwick, — gazing placidly on the two 
psartnersj — ^^I came here, gentlemen, 
to express the surprise with which I 
received your letter of the other day, 
and to inquire what grounds of aetion 
you can have against me." 

" Grounds of—" Fogg had ejacu- 
lated thus much, when he was stopped 
by Dodson. 

" Mr. Fogg," said Dodson, " I am 
going to speak." 

" I beg your pardon, Mr. Dodson," 
said Fogg. 

" For the grounds of action, sir," 
continued Dodson, with moral eleva- 
tion in his air, " you will consult your 
own conscience and your own feelings. 
We, sir, we, are guided entirely by &e 
statement of our client. That state- 
ment, sir, may be true, or it may be 
false ; it may be credible, or it may be 
incredible ; but, if it be true, and if it 
be credible, I do not heatate to say, 
sir, that ovr grounds of action, sir, are 
strong, and not to be shaken. Yon 
may be an unfortonate man, 6ir, or 
y<Ai may be a designing one ; but if I 
were called upon, as a juryman upon 
my oaih, or, to expresa an opinion of 



your conduct, sir, I do not hesitate to 
assert that I should have but one 
opinion about it." Here Dodson drew 
himself up, with an air of offended 
virtue, and looked at Fogg, who thrust 
his hands further in his pockets, ani, 
nodding his.head sagely, said, in a ton) 
of the fullest concurrence, " Most cer . 
tainly." 

« WeU, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, 
with considerable pain depicted in his 
countenance, *' you will permit me to 
assure you, that I am a most unfor- 
tunate man, so .far as this case is con- 
cerned." 

« I hope you are, sir," replied Dod- 
son ; " I iarust you may be, sir. If 
you are really innocent of what is laid 
to your charge, you are more unfor- 
tunate than I had believed any man 
oould possibly be. What do you say, 
Mr. Fogg ? " 

"I -say precisely what you say," 
replied Fogg, witha smile of incredulily. 

" The writ, sir, which commences 
the action," continued Dodson, " was 
issued regularly. Mr. Fogg, where is 
the praecipe book 1 " 

"Here it is," said Fogg, handing 
over a square book, with a parchment 
cover. 

" Here is the entry," resumed Dod- 
son. " ' Middlesex, Capias Mwrtha. 
Bao'deU, toidow, v. Sarrmd Pickwick, 
Damages, £1500. Dodson and Fogs 
for the phdntiff, Aug. 28, 1830.' All 
regular, air ; perfectly." Dodson 
coughed and looked at Fogg, who 
said " Perfectly," also. And wen they 
both looked at Mr. Pickwick. 

"I am to understand, then," said 
Mr. Pickwick, " that it really is your 
intention to proceed with this action 1 ** 

"Understand, sirl — that you cer- 
tainly may," replied Dodson, with 
something as near a smile as his im- 
portance would allow. 

" And that the damages are actually 
laid at fifteen hundred pounds \ " said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

" To which understanding you may 
add my assurance, that if we could 
have prevailed upon our client, they 
would have been laid at treble the 
amoimt, sir f' replied Dodson. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



169 



^1 believe Mrs. Bardell specially 
said, lioweyer," observed Fogg, glanc- 
ing at Dodson, " that she would not 
eompramise for a farthing leas." 

*^ (Jnqvestionably,". replied Dodson, 
sternly. For the action waa only just 
b^im ; and it wouldn't have done to 
let Mr. Pickwick cempiiomise it then, 
even, if he had been so disposed. 

''As you offer no teems, sir," said 
Dodflon, displaying afsUp of parchment 
in his r^bt hand^ and affectionately 
pvessing a paper copy of it, on Mr. 
Pickwick with his left, " I had better 
serve yon with, a copy of this writ^ sir. 
Here is the original, or." 

" Very well, gentlemen, v«py. well,'* 
said Mr. Pickwick, risii:^ in person 
and wrath at the same time; ''you 
shall hear from my solicitor, gentle- 
men." 

" We.flhall' be very happy to do so," 
said Fogg j rubbing his hands. 

" Very," said Dodson, opening the 
door. 

'^ And before I go, gentlemen,*' said 
the excited Mr. P^kwiok, turning 
round on the knding, ^ permit me to 
say, that of all the disgracefid and 
rascally proceedings- — " 

" Stay, sir, stay," interposed Dodson, 
with great polH^iess. " Mr. Jackson ! 
Mr. Wicks ! " 

" Sir," said the two clerks appeamg 
at the bottom of the stairs. 

" I merely want yon to hear what 
tMs gentleman says," replied Dodson. 
"Pray, go on, sir — disgraceful and 
rascally proceedings, I think you 
said I" 

« I did," said Mr. Pickwick, tho- 
roughly-roujsied. " I said, sir, that of 
all the disgraceful and raaodly pro> 
ceedings that ever were attempted, 
this is the most so. I repeat it, sir." 

« You hear that, Mr. Wicks « " said 
Dodson. 

" You won't forget these expressions, 
Mr. Jackson ! " said Fogg. 

" Perhaps you would like to call us 
swindlers, sir," said Dodson. " Pray 
doy sir, if you feel disposed — ^now pray 
do, sir." 

« I do," said Mr. Pickwick. "You 
are swindlera" 



" Very good," said Dodson. " You 
can hear down &ere^ I hope, Mr. 
Wicks 1 " 

" Oh yes, sir," said Wicks. 

" You had better come up a st^ or 
two higher, if you can't," added Mr. 
Fogg. " Go on, sir; do go on. You had 
better call us thieves, sir ; or perhaps 
you would like to assault one of us. 
Pray xlo it, sir, if you would ; we will 
not make thA;sma21est resistance. Pray 
do it, sir." 

As Fogg put himself very temptmgly 
within the reach of Mr. Pickwick's 
clenched fist, there is little doubt &at 
that gentleman would have complied 
with his earnest entreaty, but for the 
interposition of Sam, who, hearing the 
diq>ute, emerged from the office, 
mounted the stairs, and seieed his 
master by the arm. 

** You just come avay," said' Mr. 
Weller. '' Battledore and shuttle- 
cock 's a wery good game, vhen you 
an't the shuttlecock and two lawyers 
the battledores, in wich case it gets 
too excitin' to be ' pleasant. Come 
avay, sir. If you want to ease your 
mind by blowing up somebody, come 
out into the court and Uow up me ; but 
it's rayther too expensive work to be 
carried on here." 

And without the slightest ceremony, 
Mr. Weller hauled hjs master down 
the stairs, and down the court, and 
having safely deposited him in Corn- 
Mil, fell behind, prepared to follow 
whiih»w)ever he ^oidd lead. 

Mr. Pickwick walked on abstractedly^ 
crossed opposite the Mansion Houscf, 
and bent his steps up Cheapside. Sam 
began to wonder where they were 
going, when his master turned round, 
and said : 

" Sam, I wiU goimme^tely to Mr. 
Porker's." 

" That 's just exactly the wery place 
vere you ought to have gone last night 
sir," replied Mr. Weller. 

"I think it is, Sam," said Mr. Pick, 
wick 

« i hum it is," said Mr. Weller. 

"Well, well, Sam," replied Mr. 
Pickwick, " we will go there at once, 
but first, aa I have been rather ruffled, 



160 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



I should like a glass of brandy and 
water warm, Sam. Where can I 
have it, Sam f " 

Mr. Weller's knowledge of London 
was extensive and peculiar. He re- 
plied, without the slightest considen^ 
tion : 

^ Second court on the right hand 
side — last house but vun on the same 
side the vay — take the box as stands 
in the first fire-place, 'cos there an'tno 
leg in the middle o' the table, wich all 
the others has, and its wery incon- 
wenient." 

Mr. Pickwick observed his valet's 
directions implicitly, and bidding Sam 
follow him, entered the tavern he had 
pointed out, where the hot brandy and 
water was roeedily placed before him ; 
while Mr. Weller, seated at a respect- 
ful distance, though at the same table 
with his master, was accommodated 
with a pint of porter. 

The room was one of a very homely 
description, and was apparently under 
the especial patronage of -stage coach- 
men : for several gentlemen, who had 
all the appearance of belonging to that 
learned profession, were dnnking and 
smoking in the different boxes. Among 
the number was one stout, red-faced, 
elderly man in particular, seated in an 
opposite box, who attracted Mr. Pick- 
wick's attention. The stout man was 
smoking with great vehemence, but 
between every half-dozen puffs, he 
took his pipe from his mouth, and 
looked first at Mr. Weller and then 
at Mr. Pickwick. Then, he would 
bury in a quart pot, as much of his 
countenance as the dimensions of the 
quart-pot admitted of its receiving, 
and take another look at Sam and Mr. 
Pickwick. Then, he would take ano- 
ther half-dozen puffs with an air of 
profound meditation, and look at 
them again. At last the stout man, 
putting up his legs on the seat, and 
leaning Ins back against the wall, 
began to puff at his pipe without 
leaving off at all, and to stai'e through 
the smoke at the new comers, as if he 
had made up his mind to see the most 
he could of them. 

At first the evolutions of the stout 



man had escaped Mr. Weller*s obser- 
vation, but by degrees as he saw Mr. 
Pickwick's eyes every now and then 
turning towards him, he began to gaze 
in the same direction, at the same 
time shading his eyes with his hand, 
as if he partially recognised the object 
before him, and wished to make quite 
sure of its identity. His doubts were 
speedily dispelled, however ; for the 
stout man having blown a thick cloud 
from his pipe, a hoarse voice, like 
some strange effort of ventriloquism, 
emerged from beneath the capacious 
shawte which muffled his throat and 
chest, and slowly uttered these sounds 
—«Wy, Sammy!" 

«* Who's that, Sam I " inquired Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** Why, I wouldn't ha* believed it, 
sir," replied Mr. Weller, with asto- 
nished eyes. '* It 's the old 'un." 

"Old one," said Mr. Pickwick. 
« What old one I " 

« My father, sir," repHed Mr. Wel- 
ler. "How are you, my ancient!" 
With which beautiful ebullition of 
filial affection, Mr. Weller made room 
on the seat beside him, for the stout 
man, who advanced pipe in mouth and 
pot in hand, to greet lum. 

« Wy, Sammy," said the father, " I 
han't seen you, for two year and 
better." 

« Nor more you have, old codger," re- 
plied the son. "How 'smother in law I" 

« Wy, I 'II tell you what, Sammy," 
said Mr. Weller, senior, with much 
solemnity in his manner ; " there 
never was a nicer woman as a widder, 
than that 'ere second wentur o' mine 
— a sweet creetur she was, Sammy; 
all I can say on her now, is, that as 
she was such an uncommon pleasant 
widder, it's a great pity she ever 
changed her con-dition. She don't act 
as a vife, Sammy." 

" Don't she, though I " inquired Mr. 
Weller junior. 

The elder Mr. Weller siiook his 
head, as he replied with a sigh, " I 've 
done it once too often, Sammy ; I 've 
done it once too often. Take example 
by your father, my boy, and be wery 
careful o' widders all your life^ speci- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



161 



ally if they've kept a public house, 
Sammy ;" having delivered this pa- 
rental advice ^th great pathos, Mr. 
Weller senior re-fiUed his pipe fi*om a 
tin box he carried in his pocket : and, 
lusting his fresh pipe £rom the ashes 
of the old one, commenced smoking at 
a great rate. 

**Beg your pardon, sir," he said, 
renewing the subject, and addressing 
Mr. Pickwick, after a considerable 
pkuse, ** nothin' personal, I hope, sir ; 
I hope you han't got a widder, sir." 

«Not I," repUed Mr. Pickwick, 
laughing ; and while Mr. Pickwick 
laughed, Sam Weller informed his 
parent in a whisper, of the relation in 
which he stood towards that gentle- 
man. 

*< Beg your pardon, ar," said Mr. 
Weller, senior, taking off his hat, ** I 
hope you've no faiHt to find with 
Sammy, sir." 

"None whatever," said Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

« Wery glad to hear it, sh"," replied 
the old man ; << I took a good deal o' 
pains with his eddication, sir ; let him 
run in the streets when he was wery 
young, and shift for his-self. It *s the 
only way to make a boy sharp, sir." 

*' Bather a dangerous process, I 
should imagine," said Mr. Pickwick, 
with a smile. 

** And not a wery sure one, neither," 
added Mr. Weller ; ** I got reglarly 
done the other day." 

« No ! " said the father. 

" I did," said the son ; and he pro- 
ceeded to relate in as few words as 
possible, how he had fallen a ready 
dupe to the stratagems of Job Trotter. 

Mr. Weller senior listened to the 
tale with the most profound attention, 
and, at its termination, said — 

'*Wom*t one o' these chaps slim 
and taQ, with long hair, and the gift o' 
the eab wery gallopin' ? " 

]£t. Pickwick did not quite under- 
stand the last item of description, but, 
comprehending the first, said " Yes," 
at a venture. 

•* T ' other 's a black-haired chap in 
mulberry livery, with a wery large 
head?" 

No. 11. 



^ Yes, yes, he is," said Mr. Pick- 
wick and Sam, with great earnestness. 

^ Then I know where they are, and 
that 's aU about it,'' said Mr. WeOer ; 
^they're at Ipswich, safe enough, 
them two." 

« No ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

« Fact," said Mr. Weller, « and ni 
tell you how I know it. I work an 
Ipswich coach now and then for a 
friend o* mine. I worked down the 
wery day arter the night as you caught 
the rheumatiz, and at the Black Boy 
at Chelmsford — ^the wery place they 'd 
come to — ^I took 'em up, right through 
to Ipswich, where the man servant^ 
him in the mulberries — told me they 
was a goin' to put up for a long time." 

*< I *11 follow hun," said Mr. Pick- 
wick ; ** we may as well see Ipswich 
as any other place. I 'U follow him." 

" You 're quite certain it was them, 
governor?" inquired Mr. Weller, 
junior. 

** Quite, Sammy, quite,** replied his 
father, " for their appearance is wery 
sing'ler ; besides that 'ere, I wondered 
to see the gen*lm*u so formiliar with his 
servant ; and, more than that, as they 
sat in front, right behind the box, I 
heerd 'em laughing, and saying how 
they *d done old Fireworks." 

** Old who 1 " said Mr. Pickwick. 

*' Old Fireworks, sir, by which, I 've 
no doubt, they meant you, sir." 

There is nothing positively vile or 
atrocious in the appellation of '^old 
Fireworks," but still it is by no means 
a respectful or flattering designation. 
The recollection of all tiie wrongs he 
had sustained at Jingle's hands, had 
crowded on Mr. Pickwick's mind, tiie 
moment Mr. Weller began to speak : 
it wanted but a feather to turn the 
scale, and **old Fireworks" did it. 

"I '11 follow him," said Mr. Pickwick, 
with an emphatic blow on the table. 

" I shall work down to Ipswich the 
day arter to-morrow, sir," said Mr. 
Weller the elder, **from the Bull in 
Whitechapel ; and if you really mean 
go, you 'd better go with me." 

«*So we had," said Mr. Pickwick ; 
*' very true ; I can write to Bury, 
and tell them to meet me at Ipswich. 



162 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



We vnUl go ivith yon. Bat don't hurry 
AWfty, l£r. Well«r ; won't you. take 
juiyduDgr' 

^You've weryvgood, ar,*' replied 
Mr. W., stopping sliort — ^ perhaps a 
small glass oi bnuidy . to drink your 
iiealtb, and'Saocess to Sammy, jbit, 
woold^t be amiss.*' 

<« Certainly not," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. <<A glass of brandy here !^' The 
bnmdy was brought : and Mr. WeUer, 
after pulling his hair to Mr.. Pick- 
wick, and. nodding to Sam, jerhed it 
down his capacious throat as if it had 
been. a snudl thimble-fiiU. 

"Well 4one, father," said ^Sam, 
^ take care, dd fellow, or 3Mm''ll have a 
touch of your oldoomplaint^ the gout." 

'^ I Ve found a sov'rin' cure forihat, 
Sammy," replied Mr. WeDer, setting 
down the glass. 

^ A sovereign cure for the gout," 
said Mr. Pickwick, hastily produdi^ 
his nete-book^ <' what is it I " 

<< The goujk, sir," repHed Mr. Wel- 
ler, ^ the gout is a complaint as arises 
firom too much ease and comfort If 
ever you're attacked with the gout, 
sir, jist you marry a widder as has got 
a good loud woice, with a decent 
notion of usin' it, and you'll never 
have 'the gout agin. It's a capital 
prescription, sir. I takes it r^'lar, 
and I. can wanant it to drive away 
any illness as is caused by too much 
jollity." Having imparted this valua- 
ble secret, Mr. Weller drained his 
glass once more,, produced^ laboured 
wink, Bighed>deeply,and slowly retired. 

^ Well, what do you think of what 
your £a.tiier says, SamT' inquired 
Mr. Pickwick, 1v^th^ft smile. 

"TMnkjSir ! " replied Mr. Wdler ; 
<^ why, I think he 's iae wictim o' con- 
Bubiality, as. Blue Beard's damestic 
chaplain said, with a tear of pity, ven 
he buried him." 

There was no replying to this very 
Appoffite conclusion, and, therefore, 
Mr. Pickwick,, after settling the reck- 
oning, resumed his walk, to Ghray 's Inn. 
By me time he reached its secluded 
gnyvei^ however, eight .o'clock had 
struck^ and the unbroken • stream of 
gentlemen .in muddy high-lows, soiled 



white Jiats, and rusty Kfupaaeeif %^ 
were pouring towards the cSfferent 
avenues of cgnss, warned him that 
the majori:^ oi the offices had closed 
for that day. 

After cmnlnng two pairs df steep 
and dirty stairs, he found his anticipa- 
tions were realised. Mr. PerkeHs 
^ outer doer"' was closed; and the 
dead silence which ibflowed Mr. Wei- 
leer's repeated kicks thereat, announced 
that tiie officials had retired from 
business for the night 

«<This is {deaaant, Sam," said Mr. 
Pickwick ; '^ I shouldn't lose .an hour 
in seeixig him ; I shidl not be able to 
get one wink of sleep to-night»I know, 
unless I have the satisfaction of re- 
flecting that. I have confided this mat- 
ter to a professional man." 

*^ Here's an old 'ooman oomin' i^ 
stairs, sir," replied Mr. Weller; 
^ p'raps she .knows where we can find 
somebody. Hallo, old lady, vere's 
Mr. Perker*&i people ! " . 

''Mr. Porker's people," said a thin, 
miserable-lookinff old woman, stopping 
to recover bream after tiie ascent of 
the staircase, " Mr. Porker's people's 
gone, and I'm a goin^ to do the oiffice 
out" 

"Are you Mr. Porker's servant!" 
inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

<< I am Mr. Perker*s laundress," 
replied the old woman. 

'' Ah," said Mr. Pickwick, half aade 
to Sam, '' it 's a curious drcumstance, 
Sam, that they call the old women in 
these inns, laundreaies. I wonder 
what 's that for:" 

^ 'Cos they has a mortal awersion 
to washing anythin', I suppose, sir," 
relied Mr.' Weller. 

''I shouldn't wonder,*" said Mr. 
Pickwick, looking at the old woman, 
whose fppearance as well aa the con- 
dition of the- office, which she Jiad hy 
this time opened, indicated a rooted 
antipathy to the application of soap 
and water ; ** do you know where I 
can find Mr. Perker, my good woman t" 

«No I don't," replied the old 
woman, gruffly; ''he's .out o' town 
now." 

"That's unfortunate," said Mr 



THE PICOCWIOK tniGB. 



nz 



<f^¥eSyliaMMr>wlMf« be'is, bQt-he 
wouldn't thank me for telling yea/' 
"MplifM thjv^MBdreaB. 

•^ I ' have ''vesy \^afl!9icHhr Iw m imb 
^wilii hite/'-nid Ur. Tkbmek. 

'«<WoBt it do m -^he-flMiEnaig r* 

••Ntft «o vwdl^^^veplied <4Ir. ^Wkk- 
vick. 

*^Wm,^ Midtiie ^itd-woiiuii, ««if 
itnms^aBjttiBg 'foy particalar, I^ras 
to say where he was, so I suppose 
thQ((6\s*iio Inam 'in <iflBing. If you 
just^ to* ike Wagfie aod-l&tmoip, and 
bA at tbe bar'fixr'Mr. Lowten, tiieyll 
show you in to him, and he 's Mr. ver- 
ker*s^eik.'* 

With this d iw c iioa , «and haifing 
been.iortliexttore iBfionDod 'Ihst the 
-bestefaym queslieii wasHntuafted imi 
*6ovrty happy in tin- doaMestadvanti^ 
of bdng in the ^wknty of Clare '^Mar- 
ket, and doBdhr-appraadnatiogto the 
back of New Lm, Hr. J^cdiwick -and 
"Sam desoended the j<idBett7..8tftircase 
IB safety, and issued liairth isi^uett of 
the Maniie and Stonp. 

This laveiared Jtaven,' saeped toHiie 
evening orgies of Ifr.Lowten and his 
eorapanioBfiy waa what oediBaay people 
would ^en^ateapiil^o^ieiise. !Fhat 
.Hm lao^o]^ was Jb-man of it money- 
making ' tuzn, iraa fRdMenti|y testified 
hy the fctet of 'fr'SBudI 'hoik-head he- 
nealh the tappoemwindowyin'siae and 
shape not unlike a sedaD-duur, heing 
■.xmaerkit'^ a»B ttcn der-of shoes : and 
that he was a heiiigofA'philaathiopic 
wnd, was eTideot ^pobi' i&e pMtection 
he aSbrded^apie4iiatt|Who Tvnded his 
deyeaoieB 'Without' -fear of tutemnAicni, 
OD the veiydoorHrtep. in the lower 
wii^kmvB, whioh ^vere deearated with 
onvtaiBs i>f . 1^ ssfren hne, danced two 
er time prhrted cards, bearing refer- 
eDoe to 'XNBTonshire' cyder -and Dantoc 
spmee, "Hfkake a large Uack'hoard, an- 
DOBDcmg in >wiinto lotteraio ^an eiii^ht- 
ened public, that there -were 500,000 
barrds <tf denble -stout in the.ceUars 
ef the estaUishaseat, left the mind in 
a state of not impleasing doubt awl 
imeertaBily, as lo^pi^eeiae'direetMn 



in'the'boweb of Hm earth, in whicii 
this mighty cavern might be supposed 
'to "MEtend. ' Wheii we add, tfcttt the 
wmtrow r heatoti ^|n-board hore "ike 
half«6bliteaated8eittMaiioe-of« magpie 
intently eyera^g a crottuid. streak of 
hrown paiBt, "iHiieh tho neighbvors t 
had heea ta^;ht from infancyto con- 
sider as the ^'stonm," we lunne said 
afl that need ^ he saad, oi'iSbe exterior 
of -i;he edifice. 

On Mr. Pidnnek'»f(reBeittiqg'-him- 

'^ «t the bar, an eldeoiy ftraale 
emerged'from behiodar screen thesein, 
and presented herself beforo'him. 

■^Is ^Mr. Lowten her9, ma^am!" 
inquired 'Mr. Pickwick. 

-'^'Yeahe'is^ sir," replied 'the 'land- 
lady. ^< Ifere, Qfaarleyj shew the gen- 
tleman in, to Mr. Lowten." 

-"TSie genlm^ can't go in, just 
BOW," 'Said « shaming pot-boy, wiifa 
a -red head, ** 'cos Mr. Lowten 's -a 
nngin' A comie song, and he % put 
him out 'He^bedone^*rectIy,rir:^' 

^Fhered-headed pot-boy had searcel v 
fimched speaking, when a most miani- 
mous hammering of taMes, and jin- 
king of passes, announced that the 
song had that instant tefrminated ; and 
Mr. Pickwick, alter desiring Sam to 
solace himself in -the tap, su ff ei ' ed 
hhnsrif to* be conducted into Ihe pre- 
sence of Mr. Lowten. 

At the aanonncenieDt of ^'gentle- 
man to speak to you, sir," a pulFjr 
faced yonngman who liHed the diair 
at^e head of the table, looked with 
some surprise in the direetacm * from 
whence the voice proceeded : and the 
surprise seemed to be by no means 
dinrinJAed, when his 'eyes *rested oh. 
an individual whom he had nerer seen 
before. 

'^ I beg yom^ pardon, sfT," savl Bfr. 
Pickwick, "and I am very sarry -tb 
^Ustoib tixe other 'gentlemen, too,' but 
I -come on very ^rticular hnsiBesfr'; 
and ff -yon^wiH stfoeriBe'to'detain you 
^at this 'end of the Toom for iive 
minutes, I shidl'be Teryraneh oU^^ed 
to you." 

Tbe puffjr-faeed -^^tnmg man tos^, 
and drawing a ^lair dose, to M^. 
I^ekwiek in an obscure comer of 'the 

112 



164 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



xooiDy listened attentively to his tale 
of woe. 

<< A V he said, when Mr. Pickwick 
had concluded, ^ Dodson and Fogg — 
shaxp practice their's— H»pital men of 
bttsineBS, Dodson and Fogg, sir." 

Mr. Pickwick admitted the sharp 
practice of Dodson and Fogg, and 
Lowten resumed. 

^ Perker ain*t in town, and he won't 
be neither, before the end of next 
week : but if yon want the action de- 
fended, and will leave ^e copy with 
me, I can do all that *s needful 'till he 
comes back." 

^ That 's exactly what I came here 
for," said Mr. Pickwick, handing over 
the document ^ If anjrthing particu- 
lar occurs, you can write to me at the 
po8t-o£fice, Ipswich." 

« That's aU right," repKed Mr. 
Porker's clerk ; and then seeing Mr. 
Pickwick's eye wandering curiously 
towards the table, he added, ''Will 
you join us, for half-an-hour or so 1 
We are capital company here to-night 
There's Samkin and Green's mana- 
ging-derk, and Smithers and Price's 
chanceiy, and Pimkin and Thomas's 
out o' door — sings a capital song, he 
does — and Jack Bamber, and ever so 
many more. You 're come out of the 
country, I suppose. Would you like 
to join us ! " 

Mr. Pickwick could not resist so 
tempting an opportunity of studying 
human nature. He suffered himseS 
to be led to the table, where, after 
having been introduced to the com- 
pany m due form, he was accommo- 
dated with a seat near the duurman, 
and called for a glass of his favourite 
beverage. 

A profound silence, quite contrary 
to Mr. Pickwick's expectation, sue- 
oeecieQ. 

** You don't find this sort of thing 
disagreeable, I hope, sir I" said his 
right hand neighbour, a gentleman in 
a checked shirt, and Mosaic studs, 
with a cigar in his mouth. 

''Not in the least," replied Mr. 
Pickwick, " I like it very much, al- 
though I am no smoker myself." 

" I should be very sorry to say I 



wasn't,'' interposed anotiier gentle- 
man on the opposite side of the table. 
"It's board and lodging to me, is 
smoke." 

Mr. Pickwick glanced at the 
speaker, and thought that if it were 
washing too, it woiud be all the bettev. 

Here there was another pause. Mr. 
Pickwick was a stranger, and his 
coming had evidently cast a damp 
upon tiie party. 

" Mr. Grundy 's going to oblige the 
company with a song," said the chair- 
man. 

" No he ain't," said Mr. Grundy. 

" Why not 1 " said the chairman. 

" Because he can't," said Mr. 
Grundy. 

"You had better say he won't," 
replied the chairman. 

« Well, then, he won't," retorted Mr. 
Grundy. Mr. .Grundy's positive re- 
fusal to gratify the company, occa- 
sioned another silence. , 

" Won't anybody enliven us 1 " said 
the chairman, despondingly. 

'* Why don't you enliven us your- 
self, Mr. Chairman ? " said a young 
man with a whisker, a squint, and an 
open shirt collar (dirty), from the 
bottom of the table. 

" Hear ! hear ! " said the smoking 
gentleman, in the Mosaic jewellery. 

"Because I only know one song, 
and I have sung it already, and it 's a 
fine of 'glasses round' to sing the 
same song twice in a night," replied 
the chairman. 

This was an unanswerable reply, 
and silence prevailed again. 

" I have been to-night, gentlemen," 
said Mr. Pickwick, hoping to start a 
subject which all the company could 
take a part in discussing, "I have 
been to-night in a place wmch you all 
know very well, doubtless, but which 
I have not been in before, f^nr some 
years, and know very tittle of ; I mean 
Gray's Inn, gentlemen. Curious little 
nooks in a great place, like London, 
these old inns are." 

"By Jove," said the chairman, 
whispering across the table to Mr. 
Pickwick, "you have hit upon some- 
thing that one of us, at least, would 



■^9^ 



^^ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



165 



talk upon for ever. Yoall draw old 
Jack Bamber out ; he was never 
heard to talk about anythine else but 
the Inns, and he has lived alone in 
them, till he 's half czazy." 

The individual to whom Lowten 
alluded, was a little yellow high-shoul- 
dered man, whose countenance, from 
his habit of stooping forward when 
alent, Mr. Pickwick had not observed 
before. He wondered tiiough, when 
the old man raised his shrivelled 
face, and bent his grey eye upon 
him, with a keen inquiring look, tiut 
such remarkable features could have 
escaped his attention for a moment. 
There was a fixed grim smile per- 



petually on his oountenanoe ; he leant 
his dim on a long skinny hand, with 
nails of extraordinary lenja^ ; and as 
he inclined his head to one side, and 
looked keenly out from beneath his 
ragged grey eyebrows, there was a 
strange, wild slyness in his leer, quite 
repulsive to behold. 

This was the figure ifaat now started 
forward, and burst into an animated 
torrmt of words. As this chapter has 
been a long one however, and as the 
old man was a remarkable personage, 
it will be more respectful to him, and 
more convenient to us, to let him 
speak for himself in a frash one. 



CHAPTER XXL 

IN WHICH TH^ OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS FAVOURITE THEME, AND 

RELATES A STORY ABOUT A (^UEER CLIENT. 



** Aha I " said the old man, a brief 
description of whose manner and ap- 
pearance concluded the last chapter, 
*^ Aha ! who was talking about the 
Innsl" 

** I was, sir," replied Mr. Pickwick-^ 
'< I was observing what singular old 
places they are." 

'<Fou/" said the old man, con- 
temptuously, <* What do you know of 
the time when young men shut them- 
selves up in those lonely rooms, and 
read and read, hour after hour, and 
night after night, till their reason wan- 
dered beneath their midnight studies ; 
till their mental powers were ex- 
hausted ; till morning's light brought 
no freshness or health to them ; and 
they sank b^ieath the unnatural de- 
votion of their youthful enei^es to 
their dry old books 1 Coming down 
to a later time, and a very different 
day, what do you know of the gradual 
sinking beneath consumption, or the 
quick wasting of fever — ^the grand re- 
sults of * life ' and dissipation— which 
men have undergone in those same 
rooms ! How many vain pleaders for 
mercy, do you think have turned away 



heart-sick from the lawyer's office, to 
find a resting-place in the Thames, or 
a refuge in the gaol! They are no 
ordinary houses^ those. There is not 
apannd in the old wainscotting, but 
what, if it were endowed wim the 
powers of speech and memory, could 
start from the wall, and toll its tale of 
horror — ^the romance of life, ar, the 
romance of life ! Common-place as 
they may seem now, I tell you they 
are strange old places, and I would 
rather hear many a legend with a 
terrific sounding name, man the true 
history of one old set of chambers." 

There was something so odd in the 
old man's sudden energy, and the 
subject which had called it forth, that 
Mr. Pickwick was prepared with no 
observation in reply; and the old 
man checking his impetuosi^, and 
resuming the leer, which had disap- 
peared - during his previous excite- 
ment, said : 

^ Look at them in another light : 
their most common-place and least 
romantic. What fine places of slow 
torture they are ! Think of the needy 
man who has spent his all, beggared 



198 



^OSTOVVOVB PAP19I6 OF 



hbmOtf and piadiad his Meadiyto 
enter the p go fo n ri oiiy .wluch Koll ne^av 
}ield faun a mersel of bread. Tile 
WMtiiig — tiie hope^-^tiw &Bfpofait* 
xsent— tiie fear — the niaerj — the 
poverty — the biig^ on hie hopeey 
and end to his 0BiMeiv^4he' soioKb 
perhaps, or the shaiMbyi sKpohod 
dronkud. Asn I not rig^' about 
fhemf " And the dd man rubbed 
falls haadt^ and leered as'tfitt delight 
at faaYing lisond «notfaep poiat of ■ view 
in nAiich t(f jdaee bis^ftTouite sahjeot* 

Mr. Pfckwiek eyedi tite' oM nunv 
Tfitb sreat eiuioBitjr, aadf^tiwivemaln^ 
der of UtO'coBipaBjr'fliaM^aiLd^JbebMl 
dn in silence. 

^ Talk of Tonr Grerman nniyersities/' 
said the little old man. ^* Pooh, pooh ! 
there 's romance enough at home witii- 
out going half a mile for it; only 
people never think of it." 

** I never thought of the romanoe of 
this partioular subject before^ cer- 
tainly/' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing. 

^ To be Bm*e you didn't," said the 
litUe old mail) ** of course not^ As a 
friend of mine used; te sa^tome, 
'What is tiiere in ohaaoibers, iK'pai^ 
tieidar V < Queer old pbwee/ said h 
<'Not at aiy said he. 'Lonely/ said 
L 'Not a bit of i^ nid he. H» 
died one moming^of apoplexy, aa^he: 
was going to open. M& outer > door. 
Fen with his head in his own letter^ 
box, and these he lay for ei g ht een ' 
months. Every botfy tfaonglrii he^d 
gone out of town." 

'*And how was faafSovndatlastl*^ 
inqpnred Bfr. Piekwi«k» 

*' The benehers detennined to faave> 
his door broken open^ as heliadn^ paid 
any rent for two yean. So they <Md. 
Foreed the lock ; and a -refy ditsty 
skeleton in a blue eoat, bhuJc knee- 
shorts^ andsiScs, feU fbrwsrd intUps* 
aims of the poacter whor opened tJiO' 
door. Queer, Ibat Ratiierj per- 
hap»t" The littie eld' man put 
his head more on one side, and 
ruMbed Ids hands witik mispeakable 

'^I know another ease," said lbs 
tttHe old man, w4ien Us chnekles had 
in Bome degne sidnddod — ^ft o»» 



ctflfediuCfiffiMrd'slBB. Tenant of a 
top set — bad eharacteF—efaMt'himsetf 
up in his bed^eom deset^aad took » 
dose of arsoMo. The stennivd tboQghli 
he had run awagr; opened the dtrar^ 
aad^-pni a bill up. Anodier'naa eame, 
took the ofaamiMiSy . fomiahed tfabm, 
and 'Went > tO' live tiieset, Somehow ^er 
otlMT he eooidn't s i e e pt i ahv ays iteat^^ 
l^BS'sad mMomSNTtable. 'Oddi" says 
he^ 'I 'ft make^ the* other room, my * 
bbdHdianfceFy and this my ttttini^ 
roook* He" made the* ehaags^ ^nd 
slep0 vefey well ai. nighty but suddenly 
food tfaiii^soBehowy he ooald»'t«rwd 
in) Ao evenings ho* -got nerrous and 
unoomfiNTtableyaad need; to rbeabvays.- 
snuJBSng his candles and staring about 
him. * I canH make this out,' said he, 
when he came home from the play one 
nighty and was drinking a glass of cold 
^psogf with his back to &e wtfll, in 
order that lie mightn't be able to fancy 
there was any one behind him — 'I 
can't make it out,' said he ; and just 
then his eyes rested on the little closet 
tbaA'had been always ^looked upland 
a ahndievawftthroagfai histwhole fffamo> 
froft.top to. teet. < I have feh this 
stnmgn.- fieeling before/ said/he, 'I 
cannoib help thinking there 's someihingi 
wrong aboot lilat closet.' Hemade a 
8l*ongL4iRBS% pinohed up hisconnigp, 
shivered the lock with a blowostwo 
of the peioei^. opened the dooB, and' 
theie^ BBBe emmghy standing belt up»* 
right m- Ali eoner^-was the £st tenant^ 
w^ a little -.bottfe eh«ped firmj^in. 
his 'hanc^ and his' £tuse--Hw^ I " As 
thelittle^ekl maa oonckidad, he looked, 
round on the- attentive fiMesol hiS: 
wondenng aodltosy with a smile of 
gsimdeii^ 

<^WhBt siaaage Hungfr these aie, 
yen tdl us of, sar," said Mr..Piek. 
iricky minutely seanniug the old man's 
oooatenaDoey by the aid of his glasses. 

'< Strange 1 " said the httleold man. 
^ Nonsense ; yon think theDft^ stsangey- 
because yoor know noAing abont it» 
Tbey are funny, but not unoonunen." 

« Funny t" exdaiawd Mr. Piefc.. 
wiefcy. innrohmtarily. 

^YeS| fnu^, are tkey notT' re- 
pHed tibe Uttb oldimaa, witb a dialMH 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



167 



hiftil leer ; and tbeiv without paaang 
for an answer, he continued-*- 

<< I knew aaotkar xnaii*— let me flee 
— It's forty yoan.aganow — ^who took 
an old^ damp, rotten vset of diambera, 
in one of the most andent Inns^ that 
ImcLbeenshut np'- and empty for .yeara- 
and years before. . These were lots of - 
oSid woman's stories abonft the place, 
and it certainly was very far &om 
being a cheerful one ; but he was poor, 
and the rooms were cheap, and that 
woiddhsve been iquite a soffieient rea- 
son for him, if tfaey*had been ten lames 
WMse tbuK^they^realty wwKi.-. He was 
obhged' to take« seme mouldeEm^ fix.<% 
tares tl»t vKxe am the plaee^ and,: 
amcmg tbarest, was ».gEeat lumbering, 
wooden pMBB for* pikers, with lai^ 
gkaa-dooTB^ and a green curtain in** 
side-^ a pretty useless thing for him, 
for he had no papers t* put in it ; and. 
as to his clotiies, he earned them* about < 
with him, and that wasn't very hard 
wseky either. Well, he had mored in 
all Ids fomitm^ — it wasn't qiute- a 
tmck-fhll — and had sprinkled it about 
tharoom,S0'astomake'the four chairs 
look asmnch like>a dozen. as possSile,. 
aad was sitting, down before the fire at. 
mriit, drinking;, the first glass of two 
gutonaof whiskey he had ordered on. 
credit^ wonderingj whether it would 
ever be paid, for, aad if so^ in. how 
many yean* time^ when his eyes en<» 
cooi^ieEed the g^asa- doors of the 
wooden iH*esB. 'Ahl' says hor^^If I 
hadn't been obliged to> take that ug^y 
artude at the old broker^ Tahiation^ 
I might have got' seiuftthinfe com« 
fortablfl' for- thai money. I'll teO. 
you what it is, old fellow,' he said, 
speaking aloud to the pres^ haaring 
nothing else to^ speak to->— 'If it 
woiddn't cost more to break up; your 



eld 



thaa it would fevsr 'be 



wwrth aftei'^wgda» I 'd have afire out 
of yoB^ iniless than no time^' He>had< 
hardly spoken* the words,.'whenA sound 
renmbhng a -fiunt groan, appeased to 
issue from the interior of the case« It 
startled him- at firs^ butthinidng, on 
a moment^s reflection, that it must foe 
some young fe&ow -in Ihe- next fiatm- 
bos, who had been dining out, he put ' 



his feet on the lender, and raised the 
poker to- stir the fire. At that mo- 
ment, the sound was repeated: and 
one of the glass doors slowly opening, 
disclosed a pale and emaciated figure 
in,, soiled and worn i^|pareV standing, 
erect- in the press. The figure was 
taU and thin, and the countenance ex^ 
pressiTeef care and anxiety;, but 
there was something in the hue of the 
skin, aad gaunt and imearthly appear- 
anee*. of the whole form, which no 
being* of- this* world /was ever seen Uk 
wear^ ' Who are you 1 ' said tiie new 
tenant^ turning very. pale: poising the 
poker in hiahimd, however, and taking; 
a .very decent aim at the ceunteoanee 
of the figure — ' Whoooe you V ' Don't 
throw that poker at. me,' replied the 
fomiT— * If you . hurled it with ever 
so sure an aim, it would pass through 
me, without resistance, and expend 
its force ea the wood behind. I- 
am a. spirit.' ^Aad, p^sy, what do 
you .want herel ' faltered the tenant. 
<In.thlsroom^' replied the apparition,' 
< my worldly rain was worked, and •! 
ana. my children beggared. In this 
press,. Uie papers in along^.longsuity 
which accumulated for years, were 
deposited. . In this reomy when I had 
died of grie^ and .long-deferred, hope, 
two wily harpies divided the wealth 
for. which I had contested ^during a 
wretched existence, and of which, at 
last^not one? farming was* left for my 
unhappy deseendants. I terrified 
them &om the spot, and since that 
day have prewled by ni^t — the only 
pCTkkd at which I can re«yisit the 
earth^-about the scenes of my long-^ 
protracted misery. This apar&snt ia 
mine : leave it to me.? ' If you insist 
upouf making, ypun appearance here,' 
said^the-^tSnant, who had had time to 
collect • his presence of . mind during 
this, prosy statement of. the ghost's— 
' I shall give up possessidn with the 
greatest .pleasure ; but I should, like 
to ask you one question,^ if your will 
allow me.' 'Sayon^' said the appa* 
rition, sternly. < Well,' said the tenant^ 
* I don't apply the observation, person* 
ally to you, because it is equally appli- 
cable to most of the ghostii I ever heard 



168 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



of ; but it does appear to me, somewhat 
inconsistent, that when you have an 
opportonity of visiting the fiurest 
spots of earth — ^for I suppose space is 
nothing to you — ^you should always re- 
turn exactly to &e very places where 
you have been most miserable.' ^Egad^ 
that 's very true ; I never thought of 
that before,' said the ghost ' You see, 
sir/ pursued the tenant, * this is a very 
uncomfortable room. From Ibe ap- 
pearance of that press, I should be 
disposed to say t^t it is not wholly 
free from bugs ; and I really think 
you might find much more comfort- 
able quarters : to say nothing of the 
climate of Ixmdon, which is extremely 
disagreeable.' 'You are very righ^ 
sir,' said the ghost, politely, * it never 
struck me till now ; I '11 trv change of 
air directly' — and, in fiftct, he began to 
vanish as ne spoke : his legs, indeed, 
had quite disappeared. * j&d if, sir,' 
said the tenant^ calling after him, 'if 
you would have the goodness to sug- 
gest to the other ladies and gentlemen 
who are now engaged in haunting old 
empty houses, that they might be much 
more comfortable elsewhere, you wiU 
confer a very great benefit on society.' 
' I will,' rephedthe ghost ; * we must 
be dull fellows — very dull fellows, in- 
deed ; Ican't imagine how we can have 
been so stupid.' With these words, the 
spirit disappeared ; and what is rather 
remarkable," added the old man, with 
a shrewd look round the table, ^he 
never came back again." 

^ That ain't bad, if it 's true," said 
the man in the Mosaic studs, lifting 
a fresh cigar. 

*^ If/ " exclaimed the old man, with 
a look of excessive contempt ** I 
suppose," he added, turning to Low- 
ten, ** he '11 say next, that my story 
about the queer client we had, when I 
was in an attorney's office, is not true, 
either— I shouldn't wonder." 

^ I shan't venture to say anything 
at all about it, seeing that I never 
heard the story," observed the owner 
of the Mosaic decorations. 

^ I wish you would repeat it, sir," 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

''Ah, do," said Lowten, "nobody 



I 



has heard it but me, and I have neartf 
foraotten it" 

The old man looked round the table, 
and leered more horribly than ever, 
as if in triumph, at the attention which 
was depicted in every face. Then 
rubbing his chin with his hand, and 
looking up to the ceiling as if to recal 
the drcnmstaneea to ms memory, h» 
began as follows : 

THE OLD man's TALB ABOUT TIIK 
QUEES CLIENT. 

^It matters litde," said the old 
man, " where, or how, I picked up this 
brief history. If I were to relate it in 
the order in which it reached me, I 
should commence in the middle^ and 
when I had arrived at the conelusb% 
back for a beginning. It is enoo([^ 
or me to say that some of its cixcom^ 
stances passed before my own eyes* 
For the remainder I know them to> 
have happened, and there are somfr 
persons yet living, who will remember 
them but too weu. 

^ In the Borough High Street, near 
Saint Greorge*s Church, and on the 
same side of the way, stands, as most 
people know, the smallest of our 
debtors' prisons — the Marshalsea* 
Although m Uter times it has been a. 
very different place from the sink of 
filth and dirt it once was, even ii» 
improved condition holds out but little 
temptation to the extravagant or con- 
eolation to the improvident The- 
condenmed felon has as good a yard 
for air and exercise in Newgate, a8> 
the insolvent debtor in the Marahalseac 
Prison.* 

" It may be my iancy, or it may be- 
that I cannot separate ibe place mna- 
the old recollections associated with it, 
but this part of London I cannot bear» 
The street is broad, the shops are- 

raous, the noise of passing v^des, 
footsteps of a perpetual stream oh 
people— all the bi^y sounds of traffic^ 
resound in it from mom to midnight 
but the streets around, are mean and. 
dose ; poverty and debauchery lift 

• Better. But thii is past, In a l)«tter ag0» 
and the prfaon ezlsti no longer. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



169 



fevering in ike erowddd aUeys ; want 
and mufortune are pent up in the 
narrow prison ; an air of gloom and 
dreariness seems, in my eyes at least, 
to hang about the scene, and to impart 
to it, a squalid and sickly hue. 

^Many eyes, that have long rinoe 
been closed in tiie grave, hare looked 
round upon that scene lightly enough, 
when entering the gate of the old 
Marshalsea Prison for the first lame : 
for despair seldom comes with the 
first severe shock of misfortune. A 
man has confidence in untried friends, 
he remembers the many offers of 
service so freely made by his boon 
companions when he wanted them 
not ; he has hope — ^the hope of happy 
inexperience — and however he may 
bend beneath the first shock, it springs 
up in his bosom, and flourishes there 
for a brief space, until it droops be- 
neath the blight of disappointment and 
neglect. How so<»i have those same 
eyes, deeply sunken in the head, glared 
from fai&sa wasted with famine, and 
sallow from confinement, in days when 
it was no figure of speech to say that 
debtors rotted in prison, with no hope 
of release, and no prospect of liberty ! 
The atrocity in its full extent no longer 
exists, but there is enough of it left, to 
give rise to occurrences that make the 
heart bleed. 

** Twenty years ago, that pavement 
was worn with the footsteps of a 
mother and child, who, day by day, so 
tnnrely as the morning came, presented 
themselves at the prison gate ; often 
af%er a night of restless misery and 
anxious thoughts, were they there, a 
lull hour too soon, and then the young 
mother turning meekly away, would 
lead the child to Ihe old bridge, and 
raising him in her arms to show him 
Ihe glistening water, tinted with the 
light of the morning's sun, and stir- 
ring with all the bustiing preparations 
for bunness and pleasure that the 
river presented at that early hour, 
endeavour to interest his thoughts in 
the objects before him. But she 
would quickly set him down, and 
hiding her face in her shawl, give vent 
to the tears that blinded her ; for no 



expression of interest or amusement 
lighted up his thin and sickly face. 
His recollections were few enough, but 
they were all of one kind — all con- 
nected with the poverty and misery of 
his parents. Hour after hour, had he 
sat on his mother's knee, and with 
childish sympathy watched the tears 
that stole down her face, and then 
crept quietly away into some dark cor- 
ner, and sobbed hunself to sleep. The 
hard realities of the world, with many 
of its worst privations — hunger and 
thirst, and cold and want — had all 
come home to him, from the first 
dawnings of reason ; and though the 
form of childhood was there, its lisht 
heart, its merry laugh, and sparkhng 
eyes, were wanting. 

*^ The father and mother looked on 
upon this, and upon each other, with 
thoughts of agony they dared not 
breatiie in wor(U. The healthy, strong- 
made man, who could have borne 
almost any fatigue of active exertion^ 
was wasting beneath the dose confine- 
ment and unhealthy atmosphere of a. 
crowded prison. The slight and deli- 
cate woman was sinking beneath the 
combined effects of bodily and mental 
illness. The child's young heart was 
breaking. 

"Winter came, and with it weeks 
of cold and heavy rain. The poor 
girl had removed to a wretched apart- 
ment close to the spot of her husband^s 
imprisonment ; and though the change 
had been rendered necessary by their 
increasing poverty, she was happier 
now, for she was nearer him. For two 
months, she and her little companion 
watched the opening of the gate as 
usual. One day she failed to come« 
for the first time. Another morning 
arrived, and she came alone. The 
child was dead. 

«They little know, who coldly talk 
of the poor man's bereavements, as a 
happy release from pain to the de- 
parted, and a merciful relief from 
expense to the survivor — ^they little 
know, I say, what the agony of those 
bereavements is. A alent look of 
affection and regard when all other 
eyes are turned coldly away — ^the con- 



170 



POSTHUMOUS PAPEfifi OP 



fldonaneBB that we poasen tlw sym- 
piUhy aad affection of one being when 
all othera have deserted us — is a holdy 
a stay, a comfort in the deepest afflict 
tion, which no wealth could 'pilrehase, 
or power bestow. The child had sat 
at his Barents' feet for hours together, 
wifli his little hands patiently folded 
in each other, and bis thin waa face 
raised towards them. They had seen 
him pine away, from day to day ; 
and thoogh 'his brief existence had 
been a joyless one, and he was now 
removed to that peace and rest which^ 
child aa he was^ he )iad never known 
in ihis world, tiiey were lus parents, 
and. Us loss siudL deep into their sou]s.> 

''It was plain to those who looked 
upon the mother's altered feuse that 
death must soon dose the scene of her 
adversity and trial. Her husband's 
feUowoprisoners shrunk from obtmdr 
ing on nis grief and misery, and left to 
himself alone, Ihe small room he had 
previously occupied in common with 
two companions. She ihared it with 
him : and lingering on wilhout pain, 
but without hope, her life ebbed slowly 
away. 

** She had fiunted one evening In her 
huBband*8 arms, and he had borne her 
to the open window, to revive her with 
the air, when the light of the moon 
fiklling fuU upon her &ce, shewed him 
a chanffe upon her features, which 
made him stagger beneath her weight, 
like a helpless infEuit. 

^'Set me down George,' she said 
fiuntly. He did so, and seating him- 
self 'beside her, covered his ts^ with 
his.hands, andburst into tears. 

***It is very hard to leave you 
George,^ she said, * but it is God's will, 
and you must bear it for my sake. 
Oh J how I thank Hnn for having 
taken our boy. He is happy, and in 
Heaven now. What would he have 
done here, without his motheri ' 

^'Y.6u shall not die, Mary, you 
shall not die ;** said the husband, start- 
ing up. He paced hurriedly to and 
frOf atziking his head with his clenched 
fists; then reseating himself beside 
her, and supportanff her in his arms, 
added more calmly^ * Eonae youraelfy 



m^ deas. gjH^-jj^iagry iPn^ do. . Yow 
will revive yet' 

<'< Never again Geoi|;e ; never 
again- ' — said tli^ dying, woman. * Let 
them lay me by my poov boy now, but 
promise me, tliat .if ever you leave this 
dreadful |dace, and should grow rich, 
youi will have us removed to some 
quiet counley churchyacd,.&long,-long 
way off— very far from, here, where 
we can. rest in peace* I>ear€ieorge|' 
promise me you wilL' 

'' ' 1 do, I do,.' said the man,, throw- 
ing himself passionately on his knees 
before her» * Speak ta me Mary^ 
another waacd ; (me.lQok*<-bnt one I — ' 

^Heceaaedto speak: for- the arm 
that clasped, his neck, grew stiff and 
heavy. A deep ugh escaped from the 
wasted form before him ; the lips 
moved, .and a smile played upon the 
&ce, but the lips were pallid, and the 
smile faded into a rigid and g^iastly 
stare. He was alone in the worid. 

''That lagh^ in the silence and 
desolation of his miserable room, the 
wretched man knelt down by the dead 
body of his wife, and called on God to 
witness a terrible oath, that from that 
hour, he devoted hunaelf to revenge 
her death and that of his child; 
that thenceforth to the last moment 
of his life,, his whde energies should 
be directed to this one object ; that 
his revenge should be protracted and 
terrible ; that his hatred should be 
imdying . and nneKtingnidiahle ; and 
should bunt its object through the 
world. 

** Thb deepest despair, and passbn 
scarcely human, had made sach fierce 
ravages on his face and form,, in that 
one night, that his companions in mis- 
fortune shrank affrighted from him as 
he passed by. His eyes were blood- 
shot and heavy, his face* a . daadlv 
white, and his body bent as if with 
age. He had bitten his under lip 
nearly through in the violence of hia 
mental suffering, and the blood which 
had flowed from the wound had 
trickled down his chin, and stained 
his shirt and ueek-kerclnef. No tear, 
or sound of complaint escaped him : 
but the miaetfled look, and cuaorderea 



THE PXCKWIOK OhVB. 



m 



liMto ^th n^b }» piMed iip^ and 
dowB the- yasd, denoted thft fever 
which was burning withia.. < 

^ It was neceMary that his wif»'s 
body sbould be reouMPed from the 
pariaony without ddiay. He received 
th» eoBMnii&ieatioa with perfect eahOf* 
iiaa% aad acqaieaeed in. its prf^riaty. 
Nm^ aU the laiBatcs. o£ Ihe -priaoii 
haA ftBoomblad tQ witaess its removal i 
ih«^feU back on either side whoa th^ 
wuower appeared ; he> walked ^ hxir* 
liadfy fersvasdyand stationed himseli; 
aloDO, ift&littlorBiled arei^^loseio the 
lodge gate) fipom wheaoe the* crowd, 
wi& A&instiiio^ve. feeling of delicacy^ 
had retired. The mdBiCoffia was bonia 
s^ly forward on men's shoulders. 
Af d^m sileaofr pervaded the- thjion^ 
breken, oidry by the. audifcls hanpnta- 
tiMM of the wom«i,.and the shufflingi 
steps of the beasers ooi th* stone^pave- 
ment^ They nached thetiepot where 
the bereaved hmsband stood : ^ and 
8ti^»|iedk He laid his hand upon, the 
caffifl, aadmedianioaUy adjusting the 
pidl 7 with wbitth it waaeoveredy mo* 
tioned thenu (mward*. Th» turnkeys, 
is tfaa prison lobby tookt off their hsd» 
as.it passed through^ aad in another 
nuHnent the- heavy gate, closed behind 
it. He looked vaeanily upon- thev 
crowd, aadfeEjiteyily to.ths groond. 

^ Attheugh for mtmg' weeks after 
thisyhe was watebed^ night andday^ui 
the 'wilddBt raviogs of fev«r^ neUher 
the oonseiousneBa of his lossy,nor. the 
rMn^ection of the. vew-ho had madoy 
eiirw left him for a *mDmeDt. . Stoenes 
changed befovet his eyes, piac& 8ue«« 
caeded fdaceyand OY^ent followed events 
i» all .tbe» hurry ) of delinwu ; but' they; 
wsTQiftUiicoQiiected in some. way witb^i 
the great obj«el o£ his mind. Ha was 
sailing' over> ar boondlsss expanse of 
sea^ ,wilh a blood-vod sky* above^ and 
thsr aagiy waters^ laehed iBt» fury 
baneatb, boifing, aod* edd^^ing up,' oa 
e;r»y side. There.wasaaotfier. vessel 
hefioret tiism^ teiting and .labouriog ia 
the howling storm : her canvas fluttov 
iag. in ribbens firem- the- masV and her 
dsok thronged with figives who were> 
lashed to &e> sides, over- whieh hug» 
waves every, instant hunty^swiaeping 



away, some devoted creator^, into the 
foaming sea. Onward they bore,, 
amidst the roaring mass of water, 
with a speed and force which nothing., 
could resist ^ and striking the stem, of^ 
the foremost vessel, crushed her, be- 
neath' their keek From the huge 
whirlpofd ^vhich the sinking wreck 
oecaaioned,aroseashriekso loudaad 
shrill ^~ the death-a^ of a hundred 
drowning. CTeatnrpSj blended into one 
fierce yell — that it. rung., far above 
the war-cry. of thei elements, and. 
echoed, and re-echoed till it seemed to 
pierce air, sky, and ocean. But what 
was thati^that old grey-head that rose 
above the water's surface, and with 
looks of agony, and screams for aid,, 
buflieted with the waves! One look, 
and he had sprung from the vessel's 
side, and with vigorous strokes. was 
Bwimming^towards it- He reached, it ; 
he waa'cloee upon.it.. They were hk 
features. The old man saw him 
coming^, aad vainly strove to elude 
his grasp. But he clasped himdght, 
aad dragged him beneath the water. 
Dow% down with lBm,.fift)r fathoms 
down;. his. struggles grew fainter and 
fainter, uatiL they wholly ceased. He» 
was d^ ; he-had kiUed him, and had 
kept his oath. 

*< He was traversmg^ the sccrdaing 
sands of a mightjy deswt, . barefoot 
and alone. ■ This sand choked and 
blinded him.; its fine thin ^ grains 
entered the very pores- of his skin, . 
aad irritated hink almost to madness. 
(xigaDtie masses of the same material, 
carried forward by the wind,, and 
shone through), by the bnming son, . 
stalked in the. distance like pillars X)f 
living. ^e. The bones of men, wha. 
had perished in the. dreary waste, lay 
seafetaredat his feet ';..a^ fearful, light 
fell. oa. everything, aoounfll;. so far 
as the eye could reach, nothing but 
objeeto of dread andhorrorpresented 
themselves.. Vainly striving, to utter 
a <»y of tsEKor, witii his- tongue cleav- 
ing to his nuMith^ he ruined madly 
forwiurd. Armed with supernatural^ 
strength, he waded through the sand, 
until exhausted .with fatigue and thirsl^ 
he fell seaseless on the earth. What 



172 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



fragrant coolness reviyed him ; what 
gouiing sound was that I Water ! It 
was indeed a well ; and the clear fresh 
stream was running at his feet He 
drank deeply of it, and throwing his 
aching limhs upon the bank, sunk into 
a delicious trance. The sound of ap- 
proaching footsteps roused huiL An 
old grey-headed man tottered forward 
to suke his burning thirst. It was Ae 
again ! He wound his arms round the 
old man's body, and held him back. 
He struggled, and shrieked for water 
— ^for but one drop of water to save 
his life i But he held the old man 
firmly, and watched his agonies with 
fl;reeay eyes ; and when his lifeless 
head fell forward on his bosom, he 
rolled the corpse from him with his 
feet. 

** When the feyer left him, and con- 
sciousness returned, he awoke to find 
himself rich and free : to hear that the 
parent who would haye let him die in 
gaol — vfouldf who Tiad let those who 
were far dearer to him than his own 
existence, die of want and the sickness 
of heart that medicine cannot cure — 
had been found, dead on his bed of 
down. He had had all the heart to leaye 
his son a beggar, but proud eyen of his 
health and strength, had put off the 
act tiU it was too late, and now might 
gnash his teeth in the other world, at 
ihe thought of the wealth his remiss- 
ness had left him. He awoke to this, 
and he awoke to more. To recollect the 
purpose for which he liyed, and to 
remember that his enemy was his wife's 
own father — ^the man who had cast 
him into prison, and who, when his 
daughter and her child sued at his feet 
for mercy, had spumed them from his 
door. Oh, how he cursed the weak- 
ness that preyented him from being 
up, and active, in his scheme of ven- 
geance ! 

^He caused himself to be carried 
firom the scene of his loss and misery, 
and conveyed to a quiet residence on 
the sea coast — ^not in Ihe hope of re- 
covering his peace of mind or happi- 
ness, for both were fled for ever ; but 
to restore his prostrate energies, and 
meditate on his darling object. And 



here, some evil spirit cast in his way 
the opportunity for his first, most 
horrible revenge. 

" It was summer time ; and wrapped 
in his gloomy thoughts, he would issue 
from his solitary lodgings early in the 
evening, and wandering along a narrow 
path l:^eath the cliffs, to a wild and 
lonely spot that had struck his fancy 
in his rambUngs, seat himself on some 
fallen fragments of the rock, and bury- 
ing his face in his hands, remain there 
for hours — sometimes until nig^t had 
completely closed in, and the long sha- 
dows of me frowning cliffs above his 
head, cast a thick black darkness on 
every object near him. 

'^ He was seated here, one calm 
evening in his old position, now and 
then raising Ms hc»d, to watch the 
flight of a seagull, or carry his eye 
along the glorious crimson path, which, 
commencing in the middle of the ocean, 
seemed to lead to its very verge where 
the sun was setting, when the profound 
stillness of the spot was broken by a 
loud cry for help ; he listened, doubtful 
of his having heard aright, when the 
cry was repeated with even greater 
vehemence than before, and, starting 
to his feet, he hastened in the direction 
whence it proceeded. 

" The tale told itself at once : some 
scattered garments lay on the beach ; 
a human head was just visible above 
the waves at a little distance fr^m the 
shore ; and an old man, wringing his 
hands in agony, was running to and 
fro, shrieking for aanstanoe. The 
invalid, whose strength was now snffi- 
cientiy restored, threw off his coat, 
and mshed towiunls the sea, with the 
intention of plunging in, and dragging 
the drowning man a-shore. 

" ' Hasten here, sir, in God's name ; 
help, help, sir, for the love of Heaven. 
He is my son, sir, mv only son ! ' said 
the old man, firantically, as he advanced 
to meet him. * My only son, sir, 
and he is dying bcnbre his fatiier'a 
eyes!' 

''At the first word the old man 
uttered, the stranger checked himself 
in his career, and, folding his arms^ 
stood perfectiy motionless. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



173 



<^<Great God I' excbumed the old 
mm, recoiUng— ' Heyling ! ' 

^The stranger Bmiled, Mid was 
alent. 

*^ * Heyling ! ' said the old man, 
wildly — *}Ay boy, Heyling, my dear 
boy, look, look I' gasping for breath, 
the miserable father pomted to the 

K where the young man was strug- 
for life. 

<<<Hark I' said the old man—'He 
cries once more. He is alive yet 
Heyling, save him, save him ! ' 

^ The stranger smiled again, and 
remained immovable as a statue. 

<<*I have wronged vou,' shrieked 
the old man, falling on his knees, and 
clasping his hands together. ' Be re- 
venged ; ti^e my all, my life ; cast me 
into the water at your feet, and, if 
human nature can repress a stroegle, 
I will die, without stirring hand or foot. 
Do it, Heyling, do it, but save my boy, 
he is so young, Heyling, so young to 
die!' 

^ ^ Listen,' said the stranger, grasp- 
ing the old man fiercely by^the wrist — 
'I will have life for life, and here is 
OMB. My child died, before his father's 
eyes, a &r more agonising and painful 
death than that yoimg slanderer of his 
sister's worth is meeting while I speak. 
You laughed — ^laughed in your daugh- 
ter's fifioe, where death had already set 
his hand — at our sufferings, then. 
What think you of them now ! See 
there, see there I' 

^ As the stranger spoke, he pointed 
to the sea. A &int cry died away 
upon its surface : the last powerful 
stmg^e of the dying man agitated the 
rij^ling waves for a few seconds : and 
the spot where he had gone down into 
his early grave, was undistinguishable 
tpaai the surrounding water. 

• ••••• 

^ Three y^ars had elapsed, when a 
gentleman alighted from a private 
carriage at the door of a London 
attorney, then well known as a man 
(tf no great nicety in his professional 
dealings : and requested a private inters 
view on business of importance. Al- 
though evidently not past the prime of 
life, his fiace was pale, haggard, and 



dejected ; and it did not require the 
acute perception of the man of busi- 
ness, to discern at a glance, that dis- 
ease or suffering had done more to 
work a change in his appearance, than 
the mere hand of time could have 
accomplished in twice the period of his 
whole life. 

*^ ' 1 wish you to undertake some legal 
business for me,' said the stranger. 

** The attorney bowed obsequiously, 
and glanced at a large packet which 
the gentleman carried in his hand. 
His visiter observed the look, and 
proceeded. 

<' < It is no common buaness,' said 
he ; 'nor have these papers reached 
my hands without long trouble and 
great expense.* 

^' The attorney cast a still more 
anxious look at the packet: and his 
visiter, untying the string that bound 
it, disclosed a quantity of promissory 
notes, with copies of deeds, &nd other 
documents. 

<<'Upon these papers,' said the 
client, *the man whose name they 
bear, has raised, as you will see, large 
sums of money, for some vears past. 
There was a tacit understanding 
between him and the men into whose 
hands thev originally went — and from 
whom I nave by degree purchased 
the whole, for treble and quadruple 
their nominal value — that these loans 
should be from lime to time renewed, 
until a given period had elapsed. 
Such an understanding is nowhere 
expressed. He has sustained many 
losses of late ; and these obligations 
accumulating upon him at once, would 
crudi him to the earth.' 
. " < The whole amount is many thou- 
sands of pounds,' said the attorney, 
looking over the papers. 

<<< It is,' said the client 

<'<What are we to dot' inquired 
the man of business. 

« < Do ! ' replied the client, with 
sudden vehemence-— < Put every engine 
of the law in force, every trick that 
ingenuity can devise and rascality 
execute ; fair means and £oul ; the 
open oppression of the law, uded by 
all the eraft of its most ingenious 



174 



POSTflUMOUB PAPEiMB tV 



pmctttiMicrB* I wotdd'fiEve Mni<cud 
a harasfliog and Imgering deatb. Rtdn 
bhn, seize and sell Ms iuids and goods, 
drive lum from' honse and homeland 
drag him fortb a beggar in Ids- old 
age^ to die in a common goal.* 
^'Bnt the costs, my desr^rir, the 

. costs of all this/ reasoned the attorney, 
mhen he had recovered from his mo- 
mentary surprise. ' H the defendant 
he a man of straw, who is topay the 
costs, sir!* 

** "^ Name* any ?nm,' sald^e feitrangnr, 
his hand trembling so Tiolantlv with 
excitement, that he could searoeiy h6ld 
the pen he seized as he spoke — * Any 
smn, and it is yonrs. Don't be afraid 
to name it, man. I shall not think it 
dear, if you gain my object' 

^ The attorney named a large sum, 
at hazard, as the advance he shooid 
require to secure himself, against iSie 
possibility of less ; but more with the 
view of ascertaining hew fkc his -client 
was really disposed to go, than with 
any idea that ne would coiB|dy with 
the demand. The stranger wrote a 
cheque upon his banker, for tbe whole 

■ amount, and left Imn. 

^The draft was duly honour^d^ and 
the attorney, finding that his stnmge 
client might be eofely relied upon, 
commenced his work in earnest. :For 
more than twoyears afterwards, B&. 
Heyling woold sit whMe days together j 

'in the office, poring over tiie- papers 
as 'they accumulated, and 
a^|ain .and again, his eyes -gleaming 
"With joy,' the letters of Temcmstrance, 

rihe prayers for a Utile delay, the 
representations of Ihe. certain ruin in 
which the opposite pari^ mnst be 

'involved, ibhich poured m, -as suit 

' after siiit, and process alter jprooess, 
was commenced. To. all appncations 

.for a brief indulgence, there was but 
one Teply — -the money most be paid. 
.Land, house, fiimitnre. Bach in its 
turn, was taken under some one of 
the numerous executions which were 
issued ; .and the old man himself 
would have been immured in prison 
had he not escaped the vigpilanoe of 
the officers, and fled. 
''The implacable animoflityof Hey- 



ling; «o te'from being ^ umiMeA bythe 
success of his perBecutiee, i nuwa s od ifc 
Irandred-foid with thenao he iiifficted. 
On being informed of the old man% 
fti^t,'his fvory was unbaoiMM. He 
-snashed his "teelli wMi sage, ^tevv the 
haar-from his head, and «Bsail«d jmUb, 
horrid impmeations the lacnwte ind 
been entrusted wtihtii6'writ. Hoims 
only restored to comparaitiive caliHM|B 
hy repeatedflssavanees'of t hoe c rUrin ty 
of-cKseovering the frig^tive. AgenlB 
were sent Sn qnest ^ 'lriiii,t«i'lil 
direetioms ; every stntegen thai could 
be invented was reeatM. to, knp'iitB 
p urpose ef discorering faia>phtoe of 
retreat ; bntitwasAfivKPaia. HalfA 
year had passeed ov«r, <aiid ke mm 
stiH tmdisoovered. 

^ At length, hte m.erm^t, Hej^ag, 
of-whom notting had been seen m 
many weeks berare/'appeawdat has 
attorney's private reeidaioe,'aod sent 
up word ihat a gentiflnaa wUhedrto 
see him instantly. Before the attoniej, 
ivho had recognised his veioe from 
above stairs, oo61d ordsr the eervMit 
to admit him, he had-raiBhed op the 
■tasrease, and entered tiie .drawog- 
room pale -and bieatiilefls. Harii^^ 
closed the door,t&piievent iMrag over- 
heard, he aunk into « chafr^^aBd ttud, 
itt-a low voice: 

««HuBh! Ih«vefo«nidhiBr<atUtfi.' 

"''No!' s«d the attorney. 'WisU 
'done, my dear- sir ; weU done.' 

<*< He lies concealed in a^wietohsd 
lodging in Camden Town,' said Hey- 
JSng. ^ Perhms it is 'as wcfll, <we 4td 
lose sii^ "of him, ^w he has been 
Ihii^ alone' Ihere, in 'the moat%aibjeet 
misery, idl the time, and he is -poov — 
very pooif.* 
'**^\nY ^odd,» said 4lw attonwy. 

< You wiU have «he -caption saade to- 
morrow, of course % ' 

«<^ Yes,' replied Hej^g. ^ Stay I 
''No ! The next day. You 'are <Bar- 
prised at- my wishing 'io postpene it,' 
-he added, with a g^iastly smile ; *biitl 
had forgotten. TheiiextdayiB«naimi- 
versatyinhishfe: letitbe-deneihau* 

'''Yery good,' said'tiie attorney. 

< W31 yon write down inati'ueiMns for 
llie tfBLwt f ' 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



175 



^* No ; let him meet me here, at 
eight in ^e evening, and I will aecom- 
pany him myself.' 

^'93iey!]nel on the appointed ni^t, 
and, hiriig a liaelmey'«eadiydireeted 
the jdriver to stop at that comer of 
&e old Pancras-road* at which stands 
the pariah workhonse. By the time 
they alighted there, it wasquite dark ; 
ana, prooeedixig. by "Qie d«id wall in 
£ront of the Veterinary Hospital, they 
entered a small bye street,- which is^ 
or was at that ixme, called Little Col- 
lege Street, and which, whateyer it 
may be now^ -was in tiioee days a 
desolate plaee enough, sorronnded . by 
.littte else than fields and ditches. 

'^ Having drawn the .travelling cap 
he had on, half over his face, arid 
muffled himscdf in his doak, Heyling 
stopped before the 'meane8t*looking 
honse in the street, and knocked gently 
.at the door. It was at once apeaaed by 
a woman, who dropped a curtesy of 
recognition^ and Heyling whispering 
tiie officer to remain below, crept gent^ 
ly up stiurs, and, opening the door of 
uie front room, entered at once. 

^The object of his search and his 
murelenting animosity, now a decr^d 
old man, was seated at a bare deal 
table, on which stood a miserable 
candle. He started, on the entrance of 
the stranger, and rose feebly to bis feet. 

« * What now, what now ! * said the 
old man. 'Whatfrcahmiaeryisthist 
What do yon want here 1 ' 

^ < A word with you^ repfied Hey- 
ling. As he spokc^ he seated himself 
at the other end of ihe table, add, 
throwing oiF his doak and >cap, dis- 
dosed Ins features. 

''TThe Did man eeem^ instantly de- 
prived of. the .power of speech. He 
mil backward in his chair, and, clasp- 
ing his hands together, .eazed on the 
apparition with a milled look . of 
abhoizence and fiear. 

<* *This day six years,' said Heyling, 
*1 claimed the life you owed me for 
my child's. Beside the. lifeless form 
of your daughter, dd man, T swore to 
live a £fe of revenge. I have never 
swerved 'from my purpose for a. mo- 
' meat's space ; but if I had, one 



thought of her uncomplaining, suffer- 
ing ]o9k, as she drooped away, or of 
the starving face of our innocent diild, 
wottid bave neffvadnid tetay tMk. 
My'6sBt:«et of reqoital jran well re- 
member : this is my last.' 

^The old man shivered, and' his 
hands dropped powerless by his side.^ 

* ' I leave En^and t(^•morrow,' said 
Heyling, after a moment's nanse. 
^To-night I consign you, to the Jiving 
death to wfaidi yon devoted bcir— >a 
hopdeas prison ' 

^He raised his eyes to ^e iid 
man's countenance, and paused. ' He 
lifted the light to his face, set it gently 
down, and left the apartment. 

** ' You- had better see to tlie old 
man,' he said to the woman, as he 
opened the door, and motioned the 
officer to follow him into the street — 
< I think he is in.' The woman dosed 
the door, ran hasfily vp staixB^ and 
found him lifeless. 

''^Beneath a •pban gxsve-stone, .in 
one of the most peaceM and secluded 
church-yards in Kent, where wild 
flowers mingle with the grass, and the 
soft landscape around, forms the fair- 
est spot in tiie garden of England, lie 
the bones of me young mother and 
her gentle child. But me aahes of the 
father do not mingle with theirs ; nor 
from that night forwavd,did the attor- 
ney ever gain .the remotest due, to the 
Bubseguent histcny of his queer jdiont" 



^As'Ae old man conduded-his lale, 
he advanced to & pc^ in one comer, 
arid taking down h^ hat and* ooat,'-put 
them on with great defiberaction ; add, 
without saying another word,-v7alked 
dowly away. As the-gentieman with 
the Mosaic studs had Mien adeep, 
and the major part of the eompany 
were deeply occupied in the humor- 
ous process of dropping mdted taHow- 
grease into his brandy and water, Mr. 
Pickwick departed unnoticed, and 
having settled his own score, and' that 
of Mr. WeUer, iasned forth, in com- 
pany with that gent]eman:,from beneath 
the p<nrtal of the Magpie and Stump. 



i7e 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



CHAPTER XXII. 

WM, nCKWICK JOVKNBTS TO IPSWICH, AND MEETS WITH 1 BOXANTIC ADYSir- 
TUBB WITH A MIDDLE-AGED LADT IN YELLOW CU&L PAPEBS. 



"That 'ere your govemor'g lug- 
gage, Sunmv % " inquired Mr. Weller 
jsenior, of his affectionate son, as he 
entered the yard of the Bull inn, 
Whitechapel, with a travelling bag 
^iid a small portmanteau. 

^Yon miffht ha* made a woraer 
ffness than tiiat, old feller," replied 
Mr. Weller the younger, setting down 
his harden in the yard, and sitting 
himself down npon it afterwards. 
^The Goyemor luseelf '11 be down 
here presently.*' 

^Ue's a cabbin' it, I suppose 1" 
said the father. 

" Yes, he 's a havin' two mile o' 
danger at eight-pence," responded the 
son. ** How 's mother-in-law this 
moxnin* ! " 

''Queer, Sammy, queer," replied 
the elder Mr. Weller, with impressive 
^;ravity. ** She 's been gettin' rayther 
in the Methodistical order lately, 
Sammy ; and she is uncommon pious, 
to be sure. She 's too good a creetur 
for me,SMnmy — ^I feel I don't deserve 
her." 

<<Ah," said Mr. Samuel, << that's 
wery self-denyin' o' vou." 
^ ** Werjr," replied his parent, with a 
sigh. ^ She 's got hold o' some inwen- 
tion for grown-up people being bom 
again, Sammy — ^the new birth, I thinks 
they calls it. I should wery much 
like to see {hat system in haction, 
Saomiy. I should wery much like to 
flee your mother-in-law bom again. 
Womdn't I put her out to nurse ! " 

^ What do yon think them women 
does t'other day," continued Mr. 
Weller, after a short pause, during 
which he had significantly struck the 
side of his nose with his fore-finger, 
some half-dozen times. '^What do 
yon think they does, t'other day, 
jSammy t" 

«Don'tknow,"repliedSam,'«what1" 

^Croes and sets up a grand tea 
drinkin' for a feller they calls their 



shepherd," said Mr. Weller. " 1 was 
a standing starin' in, at the pictur 
shop down at our place, when I sees 
a little bill about it ; ' ticket^ half-a- 
crown. All applications to be made 
to the committee. Secretary, Mrs. 
Weller ; ' and when I got home, there 
was the committee a sittin' in our 
back parlour — ^fourteen women; I 
wish you could ha' heard 'em Sammy. 
There they was, a passin' resolutions, 
and wotin' supplies, and aU sorts o' 
sames. Well, what with your mother- 
m-law a worrying me to go, and what 
with my looking for'ard to seein' some 
queer starts if I did, I put my name 
down for a ticket ; at six o'clock on 
the Friday evenin' I dresses myself 
out, wery smart, and off I goes vith 
the old 'ooman, and up we walks into 
a fust floor where there was tea things 
for thirty, and a whole lot o' women 
as begins whisperin' to one another, 
and lookin' at me, as if they 'd never 
seen a rayther stout gen'lm'n of eight- 
and-fifty afore. By and bye, there 
comes a great bustle down stairs, and 
a lanky chap with a red nose and 
white neckcloth rushes up, and sings 
out, ' Here 's the shepherd a coming 
to wisit his faithful flock ; ' and in 
comes a fat chap in black, vith a great 
white face, a smilin' avay like clock- 
work. Such goin's on, Sammy I ' The 
kiss of peace,' says the shepherd ; and 
then he kissed the women all round, 
and ven he 'd done, the nuui vith the 
red nose beffan. I was just a thinkin' 
whether I hadn't better begin too — 
'spedallv as there was a wery nice 
lady a sittin' next me — ven in comes 
the tea, and your mother-in-law, as 
had been makin' the kettle bile, down 
stairs. At it they went, tooth and 
nail. Such a precious loud hymn 
Sammy, while the tea was a brewing ; 
such a grace, such eatin' and drinkin' ! 
I wish you could ha' seen the shepherd 
walkin' into {he ham and muffins. I 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



177 



nev^ see such a chap to eat and drink 
— never. The red-nosed man wam't 
by no means the sort of person you 'd 
like to grub by contract, but he was 
nothm' to the shepherd. Well ; arter 
the tea was over, they sang another 
hymn, and then the shepherd began 
to preach: and wery well he did it, 
oonsiderin' how heavy them muffins 
must have lied on his chest. Pre- 
sently he pulls up, all of a sudden, and 
hollers out, ^ Where is the nnner ; 
where is the miserable sinner ! ' upon 
which, all the women looked at me, 
and began to groan as if they was 
dying. I thought it was rather 
sing'ler,but hows'ever, I says nothing. 
FresenUy he pulls up again, and look- 
in' wery hard at me, says, ' Where is 
the sinner : where is the mis'rable 
sinner 1 * and all the women groans 
again, ten times louder than afore. I 
got rather wild at this, so I takes a 
step or two forward and says, 'My 
friend/ says I, 'did you apply that 
e're obserwation to me?' — 'Stead of 
begging my pardon as any gen'lm'n 
would ha' done, he got more abusive 
than ever : called me a wessel, Sammy 
— a wessel of wrath — and all sorts o' 
names. So my blood being reg'larly 
up, I first gave him two or three for 
himself, and then two or three more 
to hand over to the man with the red 
nose, and walked off. I wish you could 
ha' heard how the women screamed 
Sammy, ren they picked up the shep- 
herd from under the table. Hallo ! 

here 's the governor, the size of life.' " 

As Mr. Weller spoke, Mr. Pickwick 
dismounted from a cab, and entered 
the yard. 

''Finemomin' sir," said Mr. Weller 
senior. 

''Beautiful indeed," replied Mr. 
Pickwick. 

"Beautiful indeed," echoed a red- 
hiured man with an inquisitive nose 
and blue spectacles, who had unpacked 
himself from a cab at the same moment 
as Mr. Pickwick. " Going to Ipswich, 
sir!" 

'* I am," replied Mr. Pickwick. 

" Extraordinary coincidence. So 
am I." 
No. 12. 



Mr. Pickwick bowed. 
" Going outade ! " said the red- 
haired man. 

Mr. Pickvdck bowed again. 
" Bless my soul, how remarkable — 
I am going outside^ too," said the red- 
haired man : " we are positively going 
together." And the fed-haired man, 
who was an important-looking, sharp- 
nosed, mysterious-spoken personage, 
with a bird-like habit of giving his 
head a jerk every time he said any 
thing, smiled as if he had made one of 
the strangest discoveries that ever fell 
to the lot of hunum wisdom. 

" I am happy in the prospect of your 
company, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" Ah," said the new-comer, " it 's a 
good thing for both of us, isn't it! 
Company, you see — company is — is — 
it 's a very different thmg from soli- 
tude—a'n'tit!" 

" There *s no denyin' that 'ere," said 
Mr. Weller, joining in the conversa- 
tion, with an affable smile. "That's 
what I call a self-evident proposition, 
as the dog*s-meat man said, when 
the house-maid told him he wam't a 
gentleman." 

" Ah," said the red-haired man, sur- 
veying Mr. Weller from head to foot 
with a supercilious look. " Friend of 
yours, sir !" 

" Not exactly a friend," replied Mr. 
Pickwick in a low tone. " The fact 
is, he is my servant, but I allow him 
to take a good many liberties ; for, 
between ourselves, I flatter myself he 
is an original, and I am rather proud 
of him." 

"Ah," said the red-haired man, 
" that, you see, is a matter of Uiste. I 
am not fond of anything original ; I 
don't like it ; don't see the necessity 
for it. What 's your name, sir ! " 

" Here is my c»rd, sir," replied Mr. 
Pickwick, much amused by the abrupt- 
ness of the question, and the singular 
manner of the stranger. 

"Ah," said the red-haired man, 
placing the card in his pocket-book, 
"Pickwick ; very good. I like to 
know a man's name, it saves so much 
trouble. That's my card, sir. Magnus, 
I you wiU perceive, sir — Magnus is my 

N 



178 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



name. It's rather a good name, I 
think, Bir!" 

^ A very good name, indeed/' aaid 
Mr. PickwioK) "wholly unable tOTepress 
a smile. 

« Yes, I Ifaink it is," nsmnod Mr. 
Magnus. '^ There's a good name 
before it, toO| you will observe. Permit 
ma^ eir-*if yon hold ifae card a little 
dHitiDg, this way, yon catch the light 
iroon 'WB up*stroke. There — Peter 
Magnar»«-4ound8 well, I think, nr." 

<c ¥apr," sud Mr. Pickwick. 

" Gnrlous cirtsmnstaooe about tnose 
mitialB, BUT," said Mr. Magmw. ««Yoa 
will obssFTe — P. M. — poet meridian. 
In hastyuotea to intimate aoquainlanoe, 
I sometimes sign mw«lf < Afternoon.' 
It amines my friends very>much, Mr. 
Piokwiok." 

<* It is eabolsted to afford themihe 
highest eratification, I should eon<> 
oetve," snd Mr. Pickwick, rathepenvy- 
iiwtiie'ease with which Mr. Magnus^ 
fristtds were entevlahied. 

« Now, genlm'n," said the hostier, 
** eoach is ready, if you please." 
^'«I8 all my luggage ml" inqoired 
Mr. Magnus. 

^ All Tight, tir," 

«<Istiieredbegmf" 

« All ririit, sff." 

'* And the striped bag ! " 

« Fore boot, sir." 

^ And tiie brown-paper pavodl ** 

** Under the seat, sir." 

« And the leather hat-box 1 ** 

« They 're aU in, sir." 

<<Now,wiU yon get up T' said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

** Excuse me,** replied Magnus, 
standing on the wheel. " Excuse me, 
Mr. Pickwick. I cannot consent to 

ft up, in this state of uncertainty, 
am quite satisfied from that man's 
manner, that that leather bat-box is 
no* in." 

The solemn pr ot estations of the 
hostler bdng wholly unayailing, tiie 
leather hat-box was obliged to be 
raked up from the lowest depth of the 
boot, to satisfy him that it had been 
safely racked ; and after he had been 
aesurea on tins head, he felt a solemn 
presentiment, first, that the red bag 



was Busfadd, aaid neoct thatthe striped 
beg had been stolen, and then that the 
brown-paper parcel had ^oome un- 
tied." At length when he had«eceiTed 
ocular demonstration of 'tiie groundless 
nature of each and erery of these 
saspidonsy he consented to ehmb up 
to tiie roof of the ooadi, ffbsernng 
that now he had taken everything off 
his mind, he felt quite comfortable and 
happy. 

^ You 'n giTcn to * ner v ousneBs, an t 
yon. Sir 1 " inquired Mr. WeHer senior, 
eying the -stranger askance, «s he 
mounted to his place. 

** Yes ; I always am rather, about 
these littie matters," said the -stranger, 
^bnt I am all right now^-quite right" 

« WeU, tint's a blessm'," said Mr. 
Weller. ** Sammy, help your master 
up to the box : f other leg, sir, that*s 
it ; give us your hand, sir. Up witii 
you. You was 'a lighter weight when 
yon waaa boy, sir." 

''True enough, Ihat, 1/tt. Weller," 
saidtiiebreatiiless Mr. Pickwidc, good- 
humouredly, as he look hiS' seat on ihe 
boxbeside him. 

<^ Jump up in front, Sammy,'*' said 
Mr. Weller. ^NowVillam^mn'emout. 
Take care o' the arehray, genlm'n. 
< Heads,* as the pieman says. That'll 
do, Yillam. Let 'em alone." And 
away went tiie coach up Whitechapel, 
to me admiration of the whole popula- 
tion of that pret^ densely-populated 
quarter. 

''Not a weiy nice neighbourhood 
this, sir," said Sam, with the touch of 
the hat which always preceded his 
entering into conTersation -with his 
master. 

<* It is not indeed, Sam," replied Mr. 
Pickwicl^ surveyine the crowded and 
filthy street through "which tiiey were 
passing. 

^ It 's a wezy remarkable circum- 
stance, sir," sud Sam, ^ tiiat poverty 
and oysters always seems to go to- 
gether." 

^ I don't understand you, Sam," 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

<< What I mean, shr," said Sam, '^is, 
that the poorer a place is, the greater 
call there seems to be for oysters. 



THE PIC?KWIC?K CLUB. 



179 



Look here, sir; here's a oyster stall 
to every half-dozen houses — ^the street* s 
Ihied yith 'em. Blessed if I don't 
think that Ten a man's wery poor, he 
rushes out of his lodgings, and eats 
oysters in reglar desperation." 

^ To be sure he does," said Mr. 
WeUer ssnior,'<<and ifs Just theaame 
Tith mckled sahnon ! " 

** Those 'are two veiy xemarkable 
&cts, which never occurred to me 
before," said Mr. Pickwick. "The 
very first place we stop at, I'll make a 
note of ih^^' 

By this time fliey had reached the 
turnpike st Mile End; a profound 
silence prevailed, until they had got 
two or three miles further on, when 
Mr. WeUer senior turning suddenly 
to Mr. Pickwick, said — 

<< Weiy queer life is a pike-keeper's, 



99 



snr. 

" A what ? " said Mr. Pickwick. 

" A pike-keeper." 

** wist do yon mean by a pike- 
keeper % " inquired Mr. Peter Magnus. 

" The old *un means a turnpike 
keeper)gen1m*n," observed Mr. Weuer, 
in expluiation. ' 

« Oh," said Mr. Pickwick, *^I see. 
Yes; very curious Hfe. Very un- 
comfortable." 

^ They 're all on 'em, men as has 
met lith some disiq>pointment in tifb," 
said Mr. WeUer semor. 

« Ay, ay 1 " said Mr. Pickwick. 

" Yes. Consequence of vich, they 
retires from the world, and shuts 
themselves up in pikes; partly vith 
tiie view of being solitaiy, and partly 
to rewenge themselves on mankind, by 
takm' tolls." 

** Dear me," said Mr. Pickwick, ** I 
never knew that before." 

« Fact, sir," said Mr. Weller, «if 
they was gen'hn'n yon'd call 'em mis- 
anthropes, but as it is they only takes 
to pike-keepin*." 

With such conversation, possessing 
the inestimable charm of blending 
amusement with instruction, did Mr. 
Weller beguile the tediousness of the 
journey, during the greater part of the 
day. Topics of conversation were 
never wanting, for even when any 



pause occurred in Mr. Weller's loqua- 
city, it was abundantly supplied by the 
desire evinced by Mr. Magnus to make 
himself acquainted with the whole of 
the personal history of his fellow- 
trav^ers, and his loudly-expressed 
anxiety at every stage, respecting the 
safety and welLbeing of the two bag^ 
the leather hai-box, and the hrown- 
pi4>er parcel. 

In tiie .main street cf Ipswioh, m 
(the left-hand side of the way, a short 
distance after you have passed through 
the open space fronting the Town 
Han, stands an inn kncpim far and 
wide by the appellation of " The Great 
White Horse," rendered the more con- 
spicuous by a stone statue of some 
rampadous animal with flowing mane 
and tail, distantly resembling an insane 
cart-horse, which is elevated above 
the principal door. The Great White 
Horse is famous in the neighbourhood, 
in the same degree as a prize ox, or 
county paper-chronided turnip, or un- 
wieldy pig — for its enormous mze. 
Nerer were such labyrinths of mi- 
carpeted passages, sudh 'duBters of 
mouldy, badly-Ughted rooms, such 
huge numbers of small ^dens for eating 
or sleeping in, beneath any one ro<^ 
as are collected together between the 
four walls of the Great White Horse 
at Ipswich. 

It was at the door of this overgrown 
tavern, that the London coach stq>ped, 
at the same hour every evening ; and 
it was from this same London coach, 
that Mr. Pickwick, Sam Weller, and 
Mr. Peter Magnus dismounted, on tiie 
particular evening to which this chap- 
ter of our history bears reference. 

'< Do you stop here, sir ! " inquired 
Mr. Peter Magnus, when the striped 
bag, and the red bag, and the brown- 
paper parcel, and the leather hat-box, 
had all been deposited in the passage. 
<* Do you stop here, sir ? " 

" I do," said Mr. Pickwick. 

^ Dear me," said Mr. Magnus, " I 
never knew anything like these extra- 
ordinary coincidences. Why, I stop 
here, too. I hope we dine together f " 

^ Witii pleasure," replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. '< I am not quite certain 

n2 



180 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



whether I hAve any friends here or 
not, though. la there any gentleman 
of ^e name of Tupman here, waiter % *' 

A corpulent man, with a fortnight's 
napkin under his arm, and coeval 
Btockines on his legs, slowly desisted 
from his occupation of staring down 
the street, on this question hemg put 
to him by Mr. Pickwick ; and, after 
minutely inspecting that gentleman's 
appearance, from the crown of his hat 
to tiie lowest button of his gaiters^ 
replied emphatically : 

« No." 

<^ Nor any gentleman of the name of 
Snodgrass ! " inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

"Nol" 

«Nor Winkle!" 

««No." 

<^My friends have not arrived to- 
day, sir," said Mr. Pickwick. "We 
will dine alone, then. Shew us a pri- 
vate room, waiter." 

On this request being preferred, the 
corpulent man condescended to order 
the boots to bring in the gentiemen's 
luggaee ; and preceding them down a 
4on2 cuffk passage, ushered them into 
a urge badly-furnished apartment, 
with a dirty grate, in which a small 
fire was making a wretched attempt to 
be cheerful, but was fast sinking be- 
neath the dispiriting influence of the 
place. After the lapse of an hour, a 
bit of fish and a steak were served up 
to the travellers, and when the dinner 
was cleared away, Mr. Pickwick and 
Mr. Peter Magnus drew their chairs 
up to the fire, and having ordered a 
botUe of the worst possible port wine, 
at the highest possible price, for the 
good of the house, drank brandy and 
water for their own. 

Mr. Peter Magnus was naturally of 
a very communicative disposition, and 
the brandy and water operated with 
wonderful efifect in warming into life 
the deepest hidden secrets of his 
bosom. After sundry accounts of 
himself, his family, his connexions, his 
friends, his jokes, his business, and his 
brothers (most talkative men have a 
great deal to say about their brothers), 
Mr. Peter Magnus took a blue view of 
Mr. Pickwick through hia coloured 



spectacles for several minutes, and 
then said, with an air of modesty : 

<< And what do yon think — ^what do- 
you think, Mr. Pickwick — I have coma- 
down here for % " 

"Upon my word," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, " it is wholly impossible for me 
to guess ; on business, perhaps." 

"Partiy right, sir," replied Mr,. 
Peter Magnus, " but partiy wrong, at 
the same time : try again, Mr. Pickf> 
wick." 

"Really," said Mr. Pickwick, «I 
must throw myself on your mercy, to- 
tell me or not, as you may think best ; 
for I should never guess, if I were to 
try all night." 

"Why, tiien, he— he— he!" said 
Mr. Peter Magnus, with a bashful 
titter, "What should you think, Mr^ 
Pickwick, if I had come down here, 
to make a proposal, sir, eh t He — he 
—he ! " 

" Think ! that you are very likely to- 
succeed," replied Mr. Pickwick, with 
one of his most beaming smiles. 

" Ah 1 " said Mr. Magnus, " but do 
you really think so, Mr. Pickwick I 
Do you, though \ " 

"Certainly," said Mr. Pickwick. 

" No ; but you 're joking, though." 

" I am not, indeed." 

"Why, then," said Mr. Magnus, 
"to let you into a littie secret, / think 
so too. I don't mind tellmg you, Mr. 
Pickwick, although I 'm dreadful 
jealous by nature — ^horrid— that the 
lady is in this house." Here Mc» 
Magnus took ofif his spectacles, on 
purpose to wink, and then put them* 
on a0un. 

"That's what you were running 
out of the room for, before dinner^ 
then, so often," said Mr. Pickwick^ 
archly. 

"Hush — yes, you're right, that 
was it ; not such a fool as to see her^ 
though." 

"No ! " 

'^ No ; wouldn't do, you know, after 
having just come off a journey. Wait 
till to-morrow, sir ; double the chance 
then. Mr. Pickwick, sir, there is a 
suit of clothes in that bag, and a hat in 
that box, which I expect, in the effect 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



181 



they will produce, will be invaluable to 
me, sir.*' 

« Indeed ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

** Yes ; you nrast have observed my 
jmxiety about them to-day. I do not 
believe that such another suit of 
•clothes, and such a hat, could be 
^bought for money, Mr. Pickwick." 

l£r. Pickwick congratulated thefortu- 

^nate owner of the irresistible garments, 

»on their acquisition; and Mr. Peter 

Magnus remained for a few moments 

itpparently absorbed in contemplation. 

'< She's a fine creature," said Mr. 
Magnus. 
• " Is she ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

** Very," said Mr. Magnus, *' very. 
She lives about twenty miles from 
here, Mr. Pickwick. I heard she 
-would be here to-night and all to- 
morrow forenoon, and came down to 
seize the opportunity. I think an inn 
is a good sort of a place to propose to 
A single woman in, Mr. Pickwick. She 
is more hkely to feel the loneliness of 
her situation in travelling, perhaps, 
than she would be at home. What do 
you think, Mr. Pickwick 1 " 

"I think it very probable," replied 
.that gentleman. 

** I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick," 
-said Mr. Peter Magnus, ^<but I am 
naturally rather curious; what may 
.you have come down here for 1" 

<^ On a far less pleasant errand, sir," 
replied Mr. Pickwick, the colour 
amounting to his face at the recollec- 
tion. ^ I have come down here, sir, to 
>«xpose the treachery and falsehood of 
oin individual, upon whose truth and 
honour I placed implicit reliance." 

<< Dear me," said Mr. Peter Magnus, 
^ that 's very unpleasant. It is a Iiuly, I 
j>resume ! Eh 1 ah ! Sly, Mr. Pick- 
wick, sly. Well, Mr. Pickwick, sir, I 
-wouldnH probe your feelings for die 
world. Painful subjects, these, sir, 
^ery painful. Don't mind me, Mr. 
Pickwick, if you wish to give vent to 
your feelings. I know wlutt it is to be 
jilted, sir ; I have endured that sort of 
.thing three or four times." 

<<I am much obliged to you, for 
:your condolence on what you presume 
4x> be my melancholy case," said Mr. 



Pickwick, winding up his watch, and 
layinff it on the table, << but — " 

** No, no," said Mr. Peter Magnus, 
*' not a word more : it 's a painful sub- 
ject I -see, I see. What 's the time, 
Mr. Pickwick 1 " 

"Past twelve." 

<< Dear me, it 's time to go to bed. 
It will never do, sitting here. I shall 
be pale to-morrow, Mr. Pickwick." 

At the bare notion of such a cala- 
mity, Mr. Peter Magnus rang the bell 
for the chamber-maid ; and the striped 
bag, the red bag, the leathern hat-box, 
and the brown-paper parcel, having 
been conveyed to his bed-room, he 
retired in company with a japanned 
candlestick, to one side of the house, 
while Mr. Pickwick, and another ja- 
panned candlestick, were conducted 
through a multitude of tortuous wind- 
ings, to another. 

" This is ^our room, sir," said the 
chamber-maid. 

« Very well," replied Mr. Pickwick, 
looking round him. It was a tolerably 
large double-bedded room, widi a fire ; 
upon the whole, a more comfortable- 
looking apartment than Mr. Pickwick's 
short experience of the accommoda- 
tions of the Great White Horse had 
led him to expect. 

^ Nobody sleeps in the other bed, of 
course," said Mr. Pickwick. 

« Oh no, sir." 

«Very good. Tell my servant to 
bring me up some hot water at half-past 
eight in the morning, and that I sluJl 
not want him any more to-night" 

"Yes, sir." And bidding Mr. Pick- 
wick 8;ood night, the chunber-maid 
retired, and left lum alone. 

Mr. Pickwick sat himself down in a 
chair before the fire, and fell into a 
train of rambling meditations. First 
he thought of his friends, and wondered 
when they would ioin him ; then his 
mind reverted to Mrs. Martha Bardell; 
and from that huly it wandered, by a 
natural process, to the dingy counting- 
house of Dodson and Fogg. From 
Dodson and Fogg's it flew off at a tan- 
gent, to the Yery centre of the history 
of the queer client ; and then it came 
back to the Great White Horse at 



182 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Ipswiohi with traffidcnt deamow to 
convinoe BCr. Pickwick tfaftt he waa 
faUing aaleep : so he roused himself, 
and beina to undress, when he recol* 
lectod he had left his watoh on the 
table down stairs. 

Now, this wateh was a special £&- 
Yourito with Mr. Pickwick, having 
been carried ahout,bene»tih the shadow 
of his waistooat, for a greater nnmber 
of years than we feel called upon to 
state, at present The possifauil^ of 
going to ueep, unless it ware ticking 
gently beneath his pillow, or in the 
watch-pocket over his head, hadnerer 
entcved Mr. Pickwick's brain. So as 
it was pret^ late now, and he was on- 
willinff to nng his bell at that hour of 
the night, he slipped on his coat, of 
which he had just ditested himself, 
and taking the japanned candlestick in 
his hand, walked quietly down stairs. 

The more stairs Mr. Pickwick went 
down, the more stairs there seemed to 
be to descend, and again and again, 
when Mr. Pickwick got into some 
narrow punage, and began to congra- 
tulate hmiself . on having, gained the 
groQnd»floor, did another flight of 
staizB iq^pear before his astonished eyes. 
At last £b reached a stone hall, which 
he remembraed to haye seen when he 
entaced the house. Passage after pas- 
sage did he explore ; room after room 
did he peep into ; at length, just as he 
was on the point of givinc up the seasch 
in deniair, ne opei^ the door of the 
identical room m which he had. spent 
the evening, and beheld his missing, 
pBoperty on tilie table. 

Mr. Pickwick seized the watch in 
triumph, and proceeded to re*traoe his 
steps to his bed-chamber. If his pro- 
gress downwards had been attended 
with difficulties and uncertainty, his 
journey back, waa infinitely more per- 
plexing. Bows of doors, gamiahed 
with booto of every shape, make, and 
size, branched ofF in every possible 
direction. A dozen, times did he softly 
torn the handle of some bed-room 
door, which resembled his own, when 
a gruff cry from within of ** Who the 
devil 's that !" or << What do you want 
here I " caused him to steal away, on 



tiptoe, with a perfectly marveUoiia 
celerity. He was reduced to the 
verge of despair, when an open door 
attracted his attention. He peeped in 
— aright at last There were the two 
beds, whose situation he perfectly re- 
membered, and the fire still burning. 
His candle, not a long one when he 
first received it, had flidkered away in 
the drafts of air through which he had 
passed, and sunk into the socket, just 
as he dosed the door after him. ** No 
matter," said Mr. Pickwicl^ ^I can 
undress myself just as well, by tiie 
light of the fire.'^ 

The bedsteads stood, one on each 
ade of the door ; and on the inner side 
of each, was a litde path, terminating^ 
in a rush-bottomed chair, just wide 
enough to admit of a person s getting 
into, or out of bed, on that side, if he 
or die thou^t proper. Having care- 
fully drawn the curtains of his bed on 
the outside, Mr. Pickwick sat down on 
the msh»bottomed chair, and leisurdy 
divested hhnself of his shoes and 
gaiteos. He then took off and folded 
up, his coat,, waistcoat^ and neck-doth,, 
and sbwly drawing on his tasseled 
night-cap, secured it firmly on his head,, 
by lying beneadi his chin, the strings 
whidi he always had attached to that 
artide of dress. It was at this moment 
that the absurdity of his recent bewiL> 
derment struck upon his mind ; and 
throwing himself back in the rush- 
bottomed diair, Mr. Pickwick laughed 
to himself so heartilv, Ihat it would 
have been quite deli^^tful to any man 
of well-constituted mind to have 
watched the smiles which expanded his 
amiable features as they shone torth, 
fi<om beneath the night-cap. 

<' It is the best idea," said Mr. Hck- 
wick to himself, smiling till he almost 
cracked the night-cap strings — *^ It is 
the best idea, my losing myself in this 
place, and wandering iwout those stair- 
cases^ that I ever heard of. DroU^ 
droll, very droll." Here Mr. Pick- 
wick smiled again, a broader smile 
than before, and was about to continue 
the process of undressing;, in the best 
possible humour, when he was sud- 
denly stopped by a most unexpected 



THE PICKWICK GLUa 



181 



interruption ; to wit, the entranoa into 
the room of some person with a candle, 
who, aftec locking the door, advanoed 
to the dresoDg tiSble,aad set down the 
light upon it. 

The smile that played on Mr. Piolt- 
vick's featuBQSy was inatantaneoualy 
lost in a look of the most unbounded 
and wonder-stricken surprise. The 
person, whoever it was, had oome in 
so suddenly and with so little noise^ 
that Mr. Pickwick had had no time to 
cfiU out, or oppose their entisuice. 
Who could it be 1 A robber I Some 
evil-minded peison who had seen him 
come up stairswith tk handsome watch 
in his handy pechaps. What was he 
to do! 

The only way in which Mr. Fiok^ 
wick could cat^ a g^in^NW of hisonys- 
teiious visiter with the least danger of 
being seen himseU^ waa by oreeping 
on to the bed,.and peeping out cram 
between the cnrtains on< the opposite 
side. To this maomuwe ho accord- 
ingly resorted. Keeping the curtains 
carefully closed with his hand, so that 
nothing more of him could be seen- 
than h^ fiuie andnigh<Hiap, andputting 
on his spectacles, he mustered up. oout 
rage, and looked out 

Mr. Pickwick almost fiiintad wi<h 
horror and dismay. Standing before 
the dressing glass, was a middle-aged 
lady in yellow curl-papers,, busily en- 
gaged in brushing what ladies call 
2i^ « back hair." However the un- 
consciouB middle-aged lady came into 
that room, it was quite dear that she 
contemplated remaining there fjoc tiie 
night ; for she had brooght a rusldight 
and shade with her, whidi, with pxaise- 
worthy precaution against Are,, she 
had stationed in a baan on. tbe floor, 
where it was glimmering away, like a 
gigantic lighthouse, in a pacticularly 
small piece of water. 

^ Bless my soul," thought Mr. Pick- 
wick, " what a dr^idful thing I " 

^Hem!" said the lady; and in 
wait Mr. Pickwick's head with, anto^ 
maton-like rapidity. 

<< I never met with anything so aw* 
ful as this," thought poor A&. Pick- 
wick,, the cold perspiration starting in 



dropa upon his nigfatoBp. ^^ Never. 
This is fearful." 

It was quite impossible to resist the 
urgent desire to see what was going 
forward. So, out went Mr. Pickwick's 
head, again. The proqiect was worse 
than before. The middle-aged lady 
had finished arranging her luiir ; had 
carefiilly eaveloped it, in amusiin night- 
cap witii a small pliuted border ; and 
was gazing pensively on tbe fir& 

^ This matter is growing alarming," 
reasoned Mr. Pi<^wick with him- 
self. << I can't allow things to go on 
in this way. By the self-possessioA of 
that lady, it is dear to me that I must 
have come into the wrong room. If I 
call out^ she'll alarm the house ; but if 
I remaia here, the consequences will bo 
still more frightful. 

Mie, Pickwick, it is quitoi unneeesk 
sary to say, was one of the most mo- 
defii and deUcate-minded of mortals. 
The very idea oi exhibiting his nights 
cap to a lady, overpowered him, but he 
had tied those connmnded. strings in a 
knot,.and,do whathe.woHld,he couldn't 
get it off. The disclosure must be^ 
made. There was only one other way 
of, doing it He shrunk behind the 
curtains,, and called out vesey loudly— 

«Ha— humi" 

That the lady started at this unex- 
pected sound was evident, by her &]!> 
ing up against the rush-light shade.; 
that she persuaded herself it must 
have been the effect of iinaginatioa 
WBS> equally clear, for when Mr. Piek- 
wiek, under the impression that 
she had fiunted away, stone-dead 
from fright, ventured to. peep out. 
again, she was gazing pensively on the 
fi^e as before*. 

^ Most extraordinary female this," 
thought Mr. Pickwick, popping in 
again. ^ Har~hum I " 

These last sounds, so like those in. 
which, as Legends inform us, the fero^ 
cious giant Bhmderbore was in the 
habit of expressing lus opiuion that it 
was time to lay the cloth, were too^ 
distinctly audible, to be again mistaken 
for the workings of £Buticy. 

^ Gracious Heaven ! " said the naid-* 
die-aged hidy, « what 's that I " 



184 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



((It's — it's — only a gentleman, 
Ma'am/' said Mr. Pickwick from be- 
hind the curtuns. 

'* A gentleman I " said the lady with 
a terrific scream. 

« It's all over," thought Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

<' A strange man ! " shrieked the 
lady. Another instant, and the house 
would be alarmed. Her garments 
rustled as she rushed towards the door. 

"Ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, 
thrusting out his head, in the extre- 
mity of his desperation, << Ma'am." 

Now although Mr. Pickwick was 
not actuated by any definite object in 
putting out his head, it was mstan- 
taneoualy productive of a good efifect 
The lady, as we have already stated, 
was near the door. She must pass it, 
to reach the staircase, and she would 
most undoubtedly have done so, by 
this time, had not the sudden appa- 
rition of Mr. Pickwick's night-cap 
driven her back, into the remotest 
comer of the apartment, where she 
stood, staring wildly at Mr. Pickwick, 
while Mr. Pickwick in his turn, stared 
wildly at her. 

"Wretch," said the lady, covering 
her eyes with her hands, "what do 
you want here 1 " 

** Nothing, Ma'am — nothing what- 
ever. Ma'am ; " said Mr. Pickwick 
earnestly. 

" Nothing ! " said the lady, look- 
ing «P. 

" Nothing, Ma'am, upon my honour," 
said Mr. Pickwick, nodding his head 
80 energetically, that the tassel of his 
night-cap danced again. " I am almost 
r^y to sink, li£k*am, beneath the 
confusion of addressing a lady in my 
night-cap (here the lady hastily 
snatched off her's), but I can't get it 
off. Ma'am (here Mr. Pickwick gave it 
a tremendous tug, in proof of the 
statement). It is evident to me Ma'am 
now, that I have mistaken this bed- 
room for my own. I had not been 
here five minutes Ma'am, when you 
suddenly entered it." 

" If this improbable story be reaOy 
true sir/' said the lady, sobbing vio- 
lently, " you will leave it instantly." 



"I will Ma'am with the greatest 
pleasure," replied Mr. Pickwick. 

" Instantly, sir," said the lady. 

" Certainly, Ma'am," interposed Mr. 
Pickwick very quickly. " Certainly, 
Ma'am. I — I — am very son^, Ma*am," 
said Mr. Pickwick, makins his appear- 
ance at the bottom of we bed, " to 
have been the innocent occasion of 
this alarm and emotion ; deeply sorry, 
Ma'am." 

The lady pointed to the door. One 
excellent quality of Mr. Pickwick's 
character was beautifuly displayed at 
this moment, under the most trying 
circumstances. Although he had has- 
tily put on his hat over .his night-cap, 
after the maimer of the old patrol ; 
although he carried his shoes and 
gaiters in his hand, and his coat and 
waistcoat over his arm, nothing could 
subdue his native politeness. 

" I am exceedingly sorry, Ma'am," 
said Mr. Pickwick, bowing very low. 

" If you are, sir, you will at once 
leave the room," said the lady. 

" Immediately, Ma'am ; this instant, 
Ma'am," said Mr. Pickwick, opening 
the door, and dropping both his shoes 
with a loud crash in so doing. 

"I trust. Ma'am," resumed Mr. 
Pickwick, gathering up his shoes, and 
turning round to bow again. " I trust. 
Ma'am, that my unblemished charac- 
ter, and the devoted respect I enter- 
tain for your sex, will plead as some 
some slight excuse for this" — But 
before Mr. Pickwick could conclude 
the sentence, the lady had thrust him 
into the passage, and locked and bolted 
the door behind him. 

Whatever grounds of self-congratu- 
lation Mr. Pickwick might have, for 
having escaped so quietly from his 
late awkward situation, his present 
position was by no means enviable. 
He was alone, in an open passage, in 
a strange house, in the middle of the 
night, half dressed ; it was not to be 
supposed that he could find his way in 
penect darkness to a room which he 
had been wholly unable to discover 
with a light, and if he made the 
slightest noise in his fruitless attempts 
to do so, he stood every chance of 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



185 



b^g shot at, and perhaps kiUed, by 
some wakeful traveller. He had 
no resource but to remain where he 
was, until daylight appeared. So after 
groping his way a few paces down the 
passage, and to his infinite alarm, 
stumbling over several pairs of boots 
in so doing, Mr. Pickwick crouched 
into a little recess in the wall, to wait for 
morning, as philosophically as he might 

He was not destined, however, to 
undergo this additional trial of pati- 
ence : for he had not been long en- 
sconced in his present concealment 
when, to his unspeakable horror, a 
man, bearing a light, appeared at tiie 
end of the passage. His horror was 
suddenly converted into joy, however, 
when he recognised the form of his 
faithful attenduit. It was indeed Mr. 
Samuel Weller, who after sitting up 
thus late, in conversation with the 
Boots, who was sitting up for the mail, 
was now about to retire to rest. 

<'Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, sud- 
denly appearing before him, ** Where 's 
my bed-room ! " 

Mr. Weller stared at his master 
with the most emphatic surprise ; and 
it was not until the question had been 
repeated three several times, that he 
turned round, and led the way to the 
long-sought apartment. 



^Sam/* said Mr. Pickwick as he 
got into bed. ** I have made one of 
ihe most extraordinary mistakes to- 
night, that ever were heard of.*' 

**Wery likely, sir," replied Mr. 
Weller drily. 

'< But of tiiis I am determined, Sam," 
said Mr. Pickwick ; ** that if I were to 
stop in this house for six months, I 
would never trust myself about it, 
alone, again." 

" That *s the weiy prudentest reso- 
lution as you could come to, sir," re- 
plied Mr. Weller. *< You raythcr 
want somebody to look arter you sir, 
wen your judgment goes out a wi- 
sitin'." 

" What do you mean by that Sam 1 " 
said Mr. Pickwick* He raised him- 
self in bed, and extended his hand, as 
if he were about to say something 
more ; but suddenly checking himself^ 
turned round, and bade his valet 
« Good night" 

**Good night, or," replied Mr. 
Weller. He paused when he eot out- 
side the door — shook his head — 
walked on — stopped — snuffed the can- 
dle — shook his head again — and finally 
proceeded slowly to his chamber, ap- 
parently buried in the profoundest 
meditation. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 



IN WHICH MB. SAMUEL WELLEB BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS ENEBGIBS TO THE 
BETUBN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF AND MB. TBOTTEB. 



In a small room in the vidnity 
of the stable-yard, betimes in the 
morning, which was ushered in 
by Mr. Pickwick's adventure with 
tne middle-aged lady in the yellow 
eurl-papers, sat Mr. Weller senior, 

Preparing himself for his journey to 
iondon. He was ratting in an ex- 
cellent attitude for having his portrait 
taken. 

It is very possible that at some ear* 
fier period of his career, Mr. Weller's 
profile might have presented a bold^ 



and determined outline. His face, 
however, had expanded under the in- 
fluence of good living, and a disposition 
remarkable for resignation; and its 
bold fleshy curves htA. so far extended 
beyond the limits originally assigned 
them, that unless yon took a full view 
of his countenance in front, it was dif- 
ficult to distinguish more than the 
extreme tip of a very rubicund nose. 
His chin, from the same cause, hod 
acquired the grave and imposing form 
which is generally described by pre- 



186 



POSTHUMOUS PAPfiBS OF 



fixmg the word *' double " to that ex- 
pressive feature ; and his complexion 
exhibited that peculiarly mottled com- 
bimttion of colours which is onlv to be 
seen in gentlemeii of his proSanion, 
and in underdone roast beef. Round 
his neck he wore a crimson travelling 
i^wl, which merged into his chin b^ 
such imperceptible gradations, that it 
was difficult to distinguish the folds of 
tiie one, from the folds of the other. 
Over tluSy he mounted a long waistcoat 
of a broad pinkrstciped pattern, and 
over that again> a wide-ekirted green 
coat, ornamented with laige brass but- 
tons, whereof the two which garnished 
the waist, were so hr apart, that no 
man had ever beheld them both, at 
the same time. His hair, which was 
short, Edeek, and black, was just visible 
beneath the capacious brim of a low- 
crowned brown hat His logs were 
encased in knee-cord breeches, and 
painted top-boots : and a copper watch- 
duun, terminating in one seal, and a 
key of the same material, dangled 
loosely from his capacious waistband. 

We have said t£ii Mr. WeUer was 
encnged in preparing for his journey 
to London—- he was taking sustenance, 
in fiftct On the table before him, 
stood a pot of ale, a cold round of beef, 
and a very respectable-looking loaf, to 
each of which he distributed his favours 
in turn, with the most rigid impar- 
tiality. He had just cut a mishty 
slice from the latter, when the foot- 
steps of somebody entering the room, 
caused him to raise his head; and he 
beheld his son. 

<< Momin' Sammy !" said the &ther. 

The son walked up to the pot of ale, 
and nodding significantly to lus parent^ 
took a long draught by way of repl^. 

**Wery good power o* suction,. 
Sammy," said Mr. Weller the elder, 
lookinz into the pot, when his first- 
bom had set it down half empty. 
'^ You 'd ha' made an uncommon fine 
oyster, Sammy, if you 'd been bom in 
that station o' Ufe." 

''Yes, I des-say I should ha' ma- 
naged to pick up a respectable livin'," 
replied Sam, applying himself to the 
cold beef, with consideKable vigour* 



'^ I 'm wery aony,.Sammyy" saidtiie 
elder Mr. Weller,. shaking up tiie ale^ 
by describkig small circles with the 
pot, preparatoiy to drinkine. ''I'm 
wery soiry, Sammy, to hear oom your 
lips, as you let yourself be gammoned 
by that 'ere mmberry man.. I alwm 
thought^ up to three days ago, that the 
names of Yeller and gammon could 
never come into contract,. Sammy-^ 
never." 

"Always exceptin' the case of a 
widder, of course," said Sam. 

" Widders, Sammv," replied Mr. 
WeUer, slightly changing colour. 
" Widders are 'ceptions to ev'ry role. 
I ha/ve heerd how many ozd'naxy 
women, one widder 's equal to, in pint 
o' comin' over you. I think it 's five- 
and-twenty, but I don't rightly know 
vether it an't more." 

" Well ; that's pretty well," said Sam. 

"^Besides," continued Mr. Weller, 
not noticing the interruption, "that's a 
wery different thing. You know what 
the counsel said, Sammy,, as defended 
the ^nlem'n as beat his wife with the 
poker, venever he. got jolly. 'And 
arter all, my Lord,' says he, 'it's a 
amable weakness.' So I says respect- 
in' widders, Sammy, and so you'll aay^ 
ven you gets as old as me." 

" I ought to ha' know'd better^ I 
know," said Sam. 

"Ought to ha' know'd better!" 
repeated Mr. Weller, striking the table 
with his fist " Ought to ha' know'd 
better ! why, I know a young 'un as 
hasn't had half nor quarter your eddi- 
cation — as hasn't slept about the maiv 
kets, no, not nx months — ^who 'd ha' 
scorned to be let in, in such a vay ; 
scorned it, Sammy." Li the excite- 
ment of feeling produced by this 
agonising reflection, Mr. Weller rang 
the bell, and ordered an additioniu 
pint of ale. 

" Well, it's no use talking about it 
now/' said Sam. "It's over, and 
can't be helped, and that *s one conso- 
lation^ as they always says in Turkey^ 
ven they cuts the wrong man's head 
off. It 's my innings now, gov'mor, 
and as soon as I catches hold o' this 
ere Trotter, I '11 have a good 'un." 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



187 



^ I hope you wiU^ Sammy. I hope 
you. will," returned Mr. Weller. 
^Here's your health, Sammy, and 
may you speedily vipe ofif the disgrace 
as you've inflicted on the &nily 
name." In honour of this toast Mr. 
Weller imbibed at a draught, at lemk 
two^thirds of the aewly-anired pint^ 
and handed it over to his son, to dis- 
pose of the remainder, which he in- 
stantaneoufily did. 

<<And now, Sanuny," said Mb. 
Weller,. eomndting the< lazge double- 
cased silver wat<£ that hung at the 
end^of the. copper chain.. ''Now it's 
time I was up afc the office to get my 
vay4>ill,.and see the coaeh loaded ; for 
Qoashee,. Sammy, is like guns — they 
requires to be huhded with yr&cy grea^ 
<yae, afore they go off."' 

At tlua paoental and professional 
joke, Mr; Weller junior smiled a filial 
iqgoile. His 'revered, pajoeni continuftd 
in a solemn tone :. 

'^ I 'm a goin' to leave yoB^. Samivel 
my boy» aj^ thoie 'a no teUing ven I 
shall see you again. Your mother4n» 
law may ha' beta too much fon m% or a 
tfaoiuBMmd thingsjaa^ have, happened by 
the time- yon asct heavs any news o* 
^e oelflbBated ]hlir..yeller o? the Bell 
Savage.. The^ family name depends 
wery muohrispan you,.Samivel,. and. I 
hope yoa'U do wetfs light by it. Uponi 
all little pints- o' breedin', I know I 
m»y tras^.you.aB veil as if it waa my 
own. self.. So I've-<Mi]y thistheve one 
little bit of adwiee- to- give-.you. If 
ever you gets to up'ards o' fifty^ and 
feels di8po8e4 to go a. manyin' any- 
body- — no Jtoattar whe-^jist yon shut 
yourself up in your own room, if you've 
got one, and pijM>n younafilf off. hand. 
Haagin'a wnlgar, so don't you have 
notiun' to say to ^at Pisoui yourself 
Samivel my boy, pison yourself,- and. 
you'll be glad on it.artervrards." With 
these affecting wmpds^ Mr.. Weller 
looked stedfasUy on his son,, aad 
turning slowly upon his heel, disap* 
peared from his sights 

In the contsnogplative mood whieh 
these words had awakeiied,Mr. Samuel 
WeUetr walked forth from the Great 
Whito Hozssetwhea his lathenhad left 



him ; and beading hi» steps towards. 
St. Qement's Church, endeavoured to 
diseipate his melancholy, by strolling 
among its ancient precincts. He had 
loitered about, for some time, when he 
found himself in a retired spot^^-a kind 
of court-yard of venerable appearance 
— which he discovered had no other 
outlet than the turning by which he 
had entered. He was ^out retcacing 
his steps, when he was suddenly trans- 
fixed to the spot.by a sudden appear- 
ance ; and the mode and manner of 
this appearance, we now proceed to 
relate. 

Mr. Samuel Weller had been staring 
up, at the old red brick houses now 
and then, in his deep abstraction, 
bestowing a wink upon some healthy- 
looking servant girl as. she drew up a. 
blind,.or threw open, a bed-room win- 
dow, when the green gate of a.garden 
at the bottom of <he yard, opened, and 
a man having emerged there&om, 
olosed the green gate very caeefully 
aiiler him,, and. walked briskly towards, 
the very spot when Alx; Weller 
was standing. 

Now,, taking this, as an isolated fiust^. 
unaccompanied by any attendant cir^ 
cumstances,. .there waa aothmg. very 
extraordinary in it ; because; in many 
parts of the world, men do come out 
of gardens, dose green gatss after 
them, and even walk briskly away, 
■without attracting any particular share 
of public obser^ktion. . It is dear, 
therefore, that there must have been 
something, in the man, or in his man> 
ner,. or both, to attract Mr.. Waller's 
partieular.notiott. Whetherthere was,, 
or not, we must leave the reader to 
determine, when we- have faithfully 
recounted the behaodour of the indi- 
vidual.in question. 

When the man had shut the green 
gate after him, he walked, as we have 
said twice already,, with a brisk pace 
up the court-yard ; but he no sooner 
caught sight of Mr. Weller, than he 
faltered,, and stopped, as if uncertam^ 
for the moment, what course to adopt 
As the green gate was dosed behind 
him, and there was no other outlet 
but the one in front, however, he was 



188 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



not long in pereeiTing that he must 
pass Mr. Samuel Weller to get away. 
He therefore resumed his brisk pace, 
and advanced, staring straight before 
faim. The most extraordinary thing 
about the man was, that he was con- 
torting his face into the most fearful 
and astonishinggrimaoes that ever were 
beheld. 'Nature's handywork never 
was disguised with such extraordinary 
artificial carving, as the man had 
overlaid his countenance with, in one 
moment. 

« WeU ! » said Mr. Weller to him- 
self, as the man approached. '' This 
is wery odd. I could ha' swore it was 
Wm." 

Up came the man, and his face 
became more frightfully distorted than 
ever, as he drew nearer. 

^ I could take my oath to that 'ere 
black hair, and mulberry suit,*' said 
Mr. Weller ; " only I never see such 
a face as that, afore." 

As Mr. Weller said this, the man's 
features assumed an unearthly twinge, 
perfectly hideous. He was obliged to 
pass very near Sam however, and the 
scrutinising glance of that gentleman 
^labled him to detect, under aU t^ese 
appalling twists of feature, something 
too like the small eyes of Mr. Job 
Trotter, to be easily mistaken. 

^HaUo, yon sirl" shouted Sam, 
fiercely. 

The stranger stopped. 

« Hallo ! '^ repeated Sam, still more 
gruffly. 

The man with the horrible &ce, 
looked, with the greatest surprise, up 
the court, and down the court, and in 
at the windows of the houses— every- 
where but at Sam Weller — ^and took 
ano^ier step forward, when he was 
brought to again, by another shout. 

^' Hallo, you sir I " said Sam, for 
the thirfl time. 

There was no pretending to mistake 
where the voice came from now, so 
the stranger, having no other resource, 
at last looked Sam Weller full in the 
^EMse 

«It won't do, Job Trotter," said 
Sain. ^ Come ! None o' that 'ere non- 
sense. You ain't so wery 'ansome 



that you can afford to throw avay 
many o' your good looks. Bring them 
'ere eyes o' your'n back into their 
proper places, or I'll knock 'em out 
of your head. Dy'e hear 1 " 

As Mr. Weller appeared fully dis- 
posed to act up to the spirit A this 
address, Mr. Trotter gradually allowed 
his face to resume its natural expres- 
sion ; and then giving a start of jo^, 
exclaimed, << What do I see t Mr. 
Walker I " 

<« Ah," replied Sam. « You're wery 
glad to see me, ain't you % " 

^ Glad 1 " exclaimed Job Trotter ; 
«0h, Mr. Walker, if you had but 
known how I have looked forward to 
this meeting ! It is too much, Mr. 
Walker ; I cannot bear it, indeed I 
cannot" And witii these words, Mr. 
Trotter burst into a regular inunda- 
tion of tears, and, flinging his arms 
round those of Mr. Weller, embraced 
him closely, in an ecstacy of joy. 

^ Gret off! " cried Sam, indignant at 
this process, and vainly endeavouring 
to extricate himself from the grasp of 
his enthusiastic acquaintance. *'Get 
off, I tell you. What are you crying 
over me for, you portable ingine I " 

^ Because I am so glad to see you," 
replied Job Trotter, gradually releasing 
Mr. Weller, as the first symptoms of 
his pugnacity disapp^red. ^ Oh, Mr. 
Walker, this is too much." 

^Too much I "echoed Sam, ^I 
think it is too much — ^rayther! Now 
what have you got to say to me. 
eh I" 

Mr. Trotter made no reply ; for the 
little pink pocket handkerchief was in 
full force. 

** What have you got to say to me, 
afore I knock your head off I" re- 
peated Mr. Weller, in a threatening 
manner. 

«£h !" said Mr. Trotter, with a 
look of virtuous surprise. 

^What have you got to say to 
met" 

«I, Mr. Walker!" 

''Don't call me Yalker ; my name's 
Yeller ; you know that veil enough. 
What have you got to say to me 1 " 

" Bless yoo, Mr. Walkei^-Weller 



'mmm 



tmm 



THE PICKWICK CLUR 



189 



I mean— a great many things, if you 
will come away somewhere, where we 
can talk comfortably. If you knew 
how I have looked for you, Mr. 
WeUer— " 

<<Wery hard, indeed, I 8*po8e!" 
said Sam, drily. 

**Very, very, sir," replied Mr. 
Trotter, without moving a muscle of 
his £Ace. <<But shake hands, Mr. 
Weller." 

Sam eyed his companion for a few 
seconds, and then, as if actuated by 
a sudden impulse, complied with his 
request. 

** How," said Job Trotter, as they 
walked away, ^How is your dear, 
good master ! Oh, he is a worthy 
gentleman, Mr. Weller ! I hope he 
didn't catch cold, that dreadful night, 



»» 



sir. 

There was a momentary look of 
deep slyness in Job Trotter's eye, 
as he said this, which ran a thrill 
through Mr. Weller*s clenched fist 
as he burnt with a desire to make a 
demonstration on his ribs. Sam con- 
strained himself, however, and re- 
plied that his master was extremely 
well. 

*<0h, I am so glad,** replied Mr. 
Trotter, "is he here!'* 

** Is your'n 1 ** asked Sam, by way of 
reply. 

** Oh, yes, he is here, and I grieve to 
say, Mr. Weller, he is going on, worse 
than ever.** 

*< Ah, ah!** said Sam. 

" Oh, shocking — ^terrible ! ** 

« At a boarding-school ! ** said Sam. 

" No, not at a boarding-school,** re- 
plied Job Trotter, with fiie same sly 
look which Sam had noticed before ; 
** Not at a boarding-school.** 

** At the house with the green gate !** 
inquired Sam, eyeing his companion 
closely. 

"No, no— oh, not there,** replied 
Job, with a quickness very unusual to 
him, ** not there.** 

"What was you a doin* there!** 
asked Sam, with a sharp glance. " Got 
inside the «bte by accident, perhaps ! ** 

"Why, Mr. Weller,'* repUed Job, 
''I don't mind telling you my little 



secrets, becau8e,yoa know, we took such 
a fSuicy for each other when we first 
met. You recollect how pleasant we 
were that morning ! ** 

"Oh yes,** said Sam, impatiently. 
"I remember. WeU.** 

" Well,** replied Job, speaking with 
great preciaon, and in the low tone o£ 
a man who communicates an important 
secret ; " In that house with the green 
gate, Mr. Weller, they keep a good 
many servants.** 

" So I should think, from the look 
on it,** interposed Sam. 

" Yes,** continued Mr. Trotter, «< and 
one of them is a cook, who has saved 
up a little money, Mr. Weller, and is 
desirous, if she can establish herself in 
Ufe, to open a little shop in the chan- 
dlery way, you see.** 

" Yes!** 

" Yes, Mr. Weller. Well, sir, I met 
her at a chapel that I go to — a very 
neat little chapel in this town, Mr. 
Weller, where they sing the number 
four collection of hymns, which I gene- 
raUy carry about with me, in a little 
book, which you may perhaps have 
seen in my hand — and I got a little 
intimate with her, Mr. Weller, and 
from that, an acquaintance sprung up 
between us, and I may venture to say, 
Mr. Weller, that I am to be the 
chandler.** 

" Ah, and a wery amiable chandler 
you 'U make,** replied Sam, eyeing Job 
with a side look of intense dislike. 

" The great advantage of this, Mr. 
Weller,** continued Job, his eyes filling 
with tears as he spoke, *^ will be, that 
I shall be able to leave my present dis- 
graceful service with that bad man, 
and to devote myself to a better and 
more virtuous life — ^more like the way 
in which I was brought up, Mr. 
WeUer.** 

"You must ha* been wery nicely 
brought up,** said Sam. 

"Oh, very, Mr. Weller, very,** 
replied Job; at the recollection of 
the purity of his youthful days, Mr. 
Trotter pulled forth the pink handker. 
chief, and wept copiously. 

" You must ha* been an uncommon 
nice boy, to go to school vith,** said Sam. 



190 



POSTHUMOC^ PAPERS OP 



** I mm aSr,** n|4ied Job, faes^ing a 
deep sigh. ** I wbb the idol of tiie 
place.** 

"Ah,** said Sam, «1 do&*t wonder 
si it. What a eomfbrt yon muet ha* 
been to your bleeied motiberT* 

At. these ^rords, Mr. Job Trotter in- 
veirted an end of the pink handherchief 
into the comer of each eye, one after 
'the otiier, and began to'weep copiously. 

*« Wot** the matter Tith the man," 
said Sam indignantly. ^'Chelsea 
waterworkB Is notfihi' to 70a. What 
are yon melting *vith ra/w — •iiie con- 
«oiomaie8B o' wiBamy 1 '" 

^'l cannot keep myfeeUngs down, 
Mr. Weller/' said Job, after a eOiort 
pause. <^To think that my master 
^ould have suspected 'the conversation 
I had with yours, and so dragged me 
away in a post-chaise, and after per- 
suading <ibe sweet young lady to say 
she knew nothing of him, and bribing 
the school-mistress to do the same, 
deserted her for a better speculation, 
— oh! Mr. Weller, it -makes me 
shudder." 

•* Oh, that was the -ray, »was ftl" 
flaid Mr. Weller. 

" To be sure it was,'* replied Job. 

** Yell," said Sam, as they had now 
amved near the Hotel, "1 Tant to 
have a little bit 0' talk with you. Job ; 
so if you 're not partickler engaged, I 
should like to see you at the 'Great 
White Horse to-night, somewheres 
about eight o'clock." 

^ I shall be sure to come," said Job. 

« Yes, you'd better," replied Sam, 



with a very meaning look, ^ or else I 
shall perhaps be askin' arter you, at 
the other side of the green gate, and 
then I mieht cut yon out, you know." 

** I shallbe sure to be with you, shr," 
snid Mr. Trotter; and wringing Sam's 
hand with the utmost fbrvouT) he 
-walked sway. 

^ TMse care, Job T^rotber, take care," 
•said Ssm, looking after him, ^or I 
shall be one too many for you this 
time : I shall, indeed." naving uttered 
this soliloquy, and looked iJter Job 
tin 'he was to be seen ino more, Mr. 
Weller made the best of his way ta-his 
master's bed-room. 

'^ It 's all in tminfaig, nrj"said Sam. 

<< What's in training, Sam!" in- 
quired Mr. Pickwick. 

'*! have 'found 'em out, «r," tnid 
Sam. 

« Pound out who T* 

'^ That 'ere queer cttBtomer, and the 
melan-McholW chap with the Uaek hair." 

<< Impossible, Sam I" faid. Mr. 
Pickwick, with 'the greatest energy. 
^ Where aafe they, Sam; where are 
1hey1" 

•« Hush, hush T" replied Mr.^eTler; 
and as he asdsted Mr. Pickwick to 
dress, he detailed the plan of action on 
which he proposed to enter. 

^ But wnen is this to be'done, Sam !" 
inquired Mr. Pickwick. 

<< All hi good iime, 'dr," Teplied 
Sam. 

Whether it was done in good time, 
or not, will be seen hereafter. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

WHSBEIM MB. PBTEB MAONUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE UIDDLB-A6ED LADT 
APFBBHENSIYE, WHICH BRINGS THE PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF 
THE LAW. 



When Mr. Pickwick descended to 
the room in which he and Mr. Peter 
Magnus had spent the preceding 
evening, he found that gentleman 
M- th the major part of the contents of 
the two has, tilie leathern hat-box, 



and the brown-paper parcel, displayed 
to all possible advantage on his per- 
son, while he himself was pacing up 
and down the room in a state of the 
utmost excitement and agitation. 
^Good morning, sir," said Mr. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



191 



Peter ISftginiB. ^ What do you tidiik 
of ibis, sir 1 " 

"Very dffective indeed," repBed 
Mr/Pickwick, surreying^e gBiments 
of Mr. Peter Magnus with a good- 
natured smile. 

« Yea, I 'think it Tl do?» mid Mr. 
Magnus. '^'Mr. Pickwiek, snr, I faaye 
emttupiDy oird." 

« Have you 1 " said Mr. Pieknick. 

" Yes ; and'tiie waiter brought ^tmck 
word, that she would see me at ele^n 
~-^t eleven, sir ^itcndy^wants a quar- 
ter now:" 

"Very near &e ihne;" wud lEr. 
Piekwiok. 

"Yes, it is rather near^" repified 
Mr. Magnus^ "^rather too near to be 
vpleasant — eh ! Mr. Pickwick, shr ! " 

"Confidence is a geeat thing in 
these cases/' observed Mr. Pickwick. 

'«I believe it is, rfr," said Mr. Peter 
MsgnuB. "I am -very-eoilfident, sir. 
Betdly, Mr. Pickwick, I do not see 
^hy a man should feel any fear in 
each a •case' as -this, tir. What is it, 
Bir t There's nothing to be adiamed 
of ; ifs a matter of mutual accommo- 
dation, nothing more, husband on 
one side, wife onihe otiier. Thafs my 
ifiew of the matter, Mr. Pickwick." 

"It is a very philosophical one," 
Mphed Mr. Pickwick. "Bi](t break- 
fast is waiting, Mr. Magnos. Come." 

Bown tiiey sat to breakfast, but it 
was evident, notwithstanding the boast- 
ing of Mr. Peter Magnus, that he 
laboured under a very considerable 
degree of nervousness, of '^vtduch loss 
of appetite, a propensity to upset the 
tea-things, a spectnd attempt at duol- 
lery, and an irresistible incunation to 
look at the clock, every other second, 
were among the principal symptoms. 

"He— he—he," tittered Mr. Mag- 
nus, affecting cheerfblness, and gasp- 
ing with agitation. "It only wants 
two minutes, Mr. Pickwick. Am I 
pale, sff 1 " 

" Not very,** replied Mr. Pickwick. 

There was a brief pause. 

" I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick ; 
but have you ever done this sort of 
thing in your time ! " said Mr. Mag- 
nus. 



^ Yon mean proposingl " said Mr. 
Piokwiok. 

" Yes." 

« Never," said Mr. Pickwick, with 
great energy, " never." 

"You have no idea- then, how it's 
best to begin % " said Mr. Magnus. 

'"Why," said Mr. Hckwick, "1 
inay< have formed some ideas upon the 
sub ject, but, as I have never submitted 
them to the test of experience, I should 
be sorry if you were induced to regu- 
late your proceedings by them." 

" I should feel very much obliged 
to you, ♦for any advice, sir," said Mr. 
Magnus, taking another look at the 
clock : 'tiie hand of which was verging 
on the five minutes past. 

"Well, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, 
with the profound solemnity with 
which that great man could, when he 
pleased, render his remarks so deeply 
impressive : " I should commence, sir, 
with a tribute to the lady's beauty and 
excellent qualities ; from them, sir, I 
should diverge to my own unwortiii- 
ness." 

" V^Bry good," said Mr. Magnus. 

•" tJnworthiness for Iter only, mind, 
sir," resmned Mr. Pickwick ; "for to 
shew that I was not wholly unworthy, 
sir, I should take a brief review of my 
past life, and present condition. I 
shotdd argue, by analogy, that to any- 
body else, I must be a veiy desirable 
object. I should then expatiate on the 
warmth of my love, and the depth of 
my devotion. Perhaps I might then 
be tempted to seize her hand." 

"Yes, 1 see," said Mr. Magnus ; 
* that would be a very great point." 

" I should then, sir," continued Mr. 
Pickwick, growing wanner as the sub- 
ject presented itself in more glowing 
colours before him — ^"I should then, 
sir, come to the plain and simple ques- 
tion, * Will you have me 1 ' I tiiink I 
am justified in assuming that upon 
this, she would turn away her head." 

" You think that may be taken for- 
granted?" said Mr. Magnus; "be- 
cause, if she did not do that at the 
right place, it would be embarrassing." 

" I think she would," said Mr. Pick- 
wick. " Upon tiiis, sir, I should squeeze 



192 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



her handy and I think — ^I thinks Mr. 
Magnus — that after I had done that, 
supposing there was no refusal, I 
should gently draw away the handker- 
chief, which my slight knowledge of 
human nature leads me to suppose the 
lady would be applying to her eyes at 
the moment, and steal a respectful 
kiss. I think I should kiss her, Mr. 
Magnus ; and at this particular point, 
I am decidedly of opinion that if the 
lady were going to take me at all, she 
would murmur into my ears a baahful 
acceptance.*' 

Mr. Magnus started : gazed on Mr. 
Pickwick's intelligent face, for a short 
time in silence : and then (the dial 

SointiDg to the ten minutes past) shook 
im wfumly by the hand, and rushed 
desperately from the room. 

Mr. Pickwick had taken a few 
strides to and fro ; and the small hand 
of the clock following the latter part 
of his example, had arrived at the 
figure which indicates the half hour, 
when the door suddenly opened. He 
turned round to greet Mr. Peter Mag- 
nus, and encountered, in his stead, the 
joyous face of Mr. Tupman, the serene 
countenance of Mr. Winkle, and the 
intellectual lineaments of Mr. Snod- 
grass. 

As Mr. Pickwick greeted them, Mr. 
Peter Magnus tripped into the room. 

*' My friends, the gentleman I was 
speaking of — Mr. Magnus," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

''Your servant, gentlemen," said 
Mr. Magnus^ evidently in a high state 
of excitement ; '' Mr. Pickwick, allow 
me to speak to you, one moment, 
sir. 



» 



As he said this, Mr. Magnus har- 
nessed his fore-finger to Mr. Pick- 
wick's button-hole, and, drawing him 
into a window recess, said : 

'' Congratulate me, Mr. Pickwick ; 
I followed your advice to the very 
letter." 

^ And it was all correct, was it I " 
inquired Mr Pickwick. 

'* It was sar — could not possibly have 
been better," replied Mr. Magnus ; 
" Mr. Pickwick, she is mine." 

** 1 congratcdate you with all my 



heart," replied Mr. Pickwick, warmly 
shaking his new friend by the hand. 

''You must see her, sir," said Mr. 
Magnus ; " this way, if you please. 
Excuse us for one instant, gentle- 
men." Hurrying on in this way, Mr. 
Peter Magnus drew Mr. Pickwick 
from the room. He paused at the 
next door in the passage, and tapped 
gently thereat. 

"Come in I" said a female voice. 
And in they went. 

" Miss Witfaerfield," said Mr. Mag- 
nus, " Allow me to introduce my veiy 
particular friend, Mr. Pickwick. Mr. 
Pickwick, I beg to make you known to 
Miss Witherfield." 

The lady was at the upper end of 
the room. As Mr. Pickwick bowed, 
he took his spectacles from his waist- 
coat pocket, and put them on ; a pro- 
cess which he had no sooner gone 
through, than, uttering an exclamation 
of surprise, Mr. Pickwick retreated 
several paces : and the lady, with a 
half-suppressed scream, hid her face 
in her hands, and dropped mto a 
chair : whereupon Mr. Peter Magnus 
was stricken motionless on the spot, and 
gazed from one to the other, with a 
countenance expressive of the ex- 
tremities of horror and surprise. 

This certainly was, to all appear- 
ance, very unaccountable behaviour ; 
but the fact is, that Mr. Pickwick 
no sooner put on his spectacles, than 
he at once recognised in the fiiture 
Mrs. Magnus £e lady into whose 
room he had jso unwarrantably in- 
truded on the previous night ; and the 
spectacles had no sooner crossed Mr» 
Pickwick^s nose, than the lady at once 
identified the countenance which she 
had seen surrounded by all the horrors 
of a night-cap. So the hidy screamed, 
and Mr. Pickwick started. 

" Mr. Pickwick ! " exclaimed Mr. 
Maenus, lost in astonishment, " What 
is me meaning of this, sir ? What is 
the meaning of it, sir!" added Mr. 
Magnus, in a threatening, and a louder 
tone. 

"Sir," said Mr. Pickwick, some- 
what indignant at the very sudden 
manner in which Mr. Peter Magnus 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



193 



had conjugated himself into the impe- 
Tative mood, '^1 decline answering 
that question." 

"You decline it, sir!" said Mr. 
Magnus. 

** 1 do, sir," repUed Mr. Pickwick ; 
^'I object to saying anything which 
may compromise that lady, or awaken 
unpleasant recollections in her breast, 
wi&out her consent and permission." 

« Miss Witherfield," said Mr. Peter 
Magnus, " do you know this person \ " 

<< Know him ! " repeated the middle- 
aged lady, hesitating. 

''Yes, know him, ma'am. I said 
know him," replied Mr. Magnus, with 
ferocity. 

" I have seen' him," replied the 
middle-aged lady. 

<* Where 1" inquired Mr. Magnus, 
<« where 1" 

" That," B^d the middle-aged lady, 
rising from her seat, and averting her 
head, "that I would not reveid for 
worlds." 

"I understand you, ma'am," said 
• Mr. Pickwick, "and respect your 
delicacy ; it shall never be revealed by 
me, depend upon it." 

".Upon my word, ma^am," said Mr. 
Magnus, " considering the situation in 
which I am placed, with regard to 
yourself, you carry this matter ofif 
with tolerable coolness — tolerable 
coolness, ma'am.'* 

" Cruel Mr. Magnus !" said the 
middle-aged lady ; here she wept very 
copiously indeed. 

" Address your observations to me, 
sir," interposed Mr. Pickwick ; " I 
alone am to blame, if anybody be." 

" Oh ! you alone are to blame, are 
you, sir ? " said Mr. Magnus ; " I — I 
— see through this, sir. You repent 
of your determination now, do you ? " 

"My determination!" said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

" Your determination, sir. Oh ! 
douH stare at me, sir," said Mr. Mag- 
nus ; "I recollect your words last 
night, sir. You came down here, sir, 
to expose the treachery and falsehood 
of an individual on whose truth and 
honour you had placed implicit reli- 
ance — eh ? " Here Mr. Peter Mag- 
No. 13. 



nus indulged in a prolonged sneer; 
and taking off his green spectacles — 
which he probably found superfluous in 
his fit of jealousy — rolled his little 
eyes about, in a manner which was 
frightful to behold. 

" Eh \ " said Mr. Magnus ; and 
then he repeated the sneer with in- 
creased effect. " But you shall answer 
it, sir." 

"Answer what!" sud Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

"Never mind, sir," replied Mr. 
Magnus, striding up and down the 
room. " Never mind." 

There must be something very com- 
prehensive in this phrase of "Never 
mind," for we do not recollect to have 
ever witnessed a quarrel in the street, 
at a theatre, public room, or elsewhere, 
in which it has not been the standard 
reply to all belligerent inquiries. " Do 
you call yourself a gentileman, sir ! " 
— "Never mind, sir." "Did I offer 
to say anything to the young woman, 
sir ? " — *' Never mind, sir." " Do you 
want your head knocked up against 
that wall, sir ? " — ^*< Never mind, sir." 
It is observable, too, tiiat there would 
appear to be some hidden taunt in 
this universal "Never mind,'* which 
rouses more indignation in the bosom 
of the individual addressed, than 
the most lavish abuse could possibly 
awaken. 

We do not mean to assert that the 
application of this brevity to himself, 
struck exactly that indignation to Mr. 
Pickwick's soul, which it would infal- 
libly have roused in a vulgar breast. 
We merely record the fact that Mr. 
Pickwick opened the room door, and 
abruptly called out, "Tupman, come 
here I" 

Mr. Tupman immediately presented 
himself, with a look of very consider- 
able surprise. 

"Tupman," said Mr. Pickwick, "a 
secret of some delicacy, in which that 
lady is concerned, is the cause of a 
difference which has just arisen be- 
tween this gentleman and myself. 
When I assure him, in your presence, 
that it has no relation to himiself, and 
is not in any way connected with his 

o 



194 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



I need hardly beg yon to take 
notice that if he contiirae to dispute 
ity he expreases a doubt of my v e r a c i ty , 
which 1 shall consider extremely in- 
salting." As Mr. Pickwick said this, 
he looked encyclopaedias at Mr. Peter 
Miffinns. 

Mr. Pickwick's nprigfat and honour- 
able bearing, coupled with that force 
and energy of epeedi which so emi- 
nently distinnisned' him, would have 
carried conviction to any reasonable 
mind ; bat nnfortanately at that par- 
ticular momenty the mind of Mr. Peter 
Magnus was in anythinff but reason^ 
able order. Consequentiy, instead of 
receiving Mr. Pickwick's explanation 
as he ought to have done, he forthwith 
proceeded to work lumself into a red* 
not, scorching, consuming, pasrion, and 
to talk about what was £ie to his own 
feelings, and all that sort of thing: 
adding force to his declamation by 
striding to and fro, and pulling his hair 
—amusements which he would vary 
occasionally, 1^ shaking his fist in Mr. 
Pickwick phuantiiropic coantananee. 

Mr. Pickwick, in his turn, conscious 
of his own innoeence and rectitude, 
and irritated by having unfortunatelv 
involved tiie middle-aged lady in such 
an unpleasant a£fUr, was not so quietiy 
disposed as was his wont. The conse- 
quence was, that words ran high, and 
voices higher ; and at length Mr. Mag* 
nus told Mr. Pickwick he diould hear 
from him: to which Mr. Pickwick 
replied ; with laudable politeness, tiiat 
the sooner he heard from him the 
better j whereupon tiie middle-aged 
lady rushed in terror from tiie room, 
out of whidi Mr. Tupman dragged 
Mr. Pickwick, leaving Mr. Peter 
Maenus to himself and meditation. 

n tiie middle-aged lady had mingled 
mudi with the busy world, or had profit- 
ed at all, by the manners and customs 
of those who make the laws and set the 
fadiions, she would have known that 
this sort of ferocity is tiie most harm- 
less thing in nature ; but as she 
had lived for the most part in the 
country, and never read the parha- 
meotary debates, die was little versed 
in these particidar refinements of civi- 



lised 1%. Aecorffingly, when she had 
gained her bed-diamber, bolted her- 
self in, and begun to meditaite/on the 
scene die had just witnessed, tiie most 
terrific pictures of slaughter and d»* 
struction presented themselves to her 
imagination ; ameng which, a fidl- 
lenj^ pertnit of Mr. Peter Magms 
borne home by four men, witii the 
embelHsfament of a whole bavrel'Ml 
of bnllels in his left side, was among 
the very least The more the middle- 
aged lady meditated, the mere temfled 
she became ; and -at length she delec^ 
mined to repair to the house of tiie 
principal magistrate of the town,- and 
request him to secure the persons of 
Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupmaa, with- 
out delay. 

To tms decision, the mid^tt&«ged 
lady was impelled by a variety of eon- 
siderations, the chief of which, was the 
incontestable proof it wooM afford of 
her devotion to Mr. Peter Ifagms, 
and her anxiety for his safetv. She 
was toe well acquainted with ms jea- 
lous te m perament to venture 4he 
slightest Elusion to the real canse of 
her agitation on beholding Mr. Pick- 
wick ; and she trusted to her own 



mfluence and power of ' 
the littte man, to quelT his boistsvous 
jealousy, supposing that Mr. Pickwick 
were removed, and no fresh quasrel 
could arise. Filled with these veflee- 
tions, the middle-aged lady anayed 
hersdf in her bonnet and anavd, and 
repaired to the Mayor's dweUing 
straightway. 

Now Creorge Nupkins, Esquire, the 
principal magistrate aforesaid, was 
as grand a personage as the fiurtest 
walker would find out, between son- 
rise and sunset, on the twenty-first 
of June, which being, according to 
the almanacs, tiie longest day in the 
whole year, would natiuully amird him 
the longest period for his search. On 
tins particular morning, Mr. Nupkins 
was in a state of the utmost excite- 
ment and irritation, for there had 
been a rebellion in the town ; all the 
day-scholars at tiie lafgest day-sdiool, 
had cons pi red to breiSc the windows 
gf an obnoxious apple-seller ; and had 



THB PICKWICK CLUB. 



1:9B 



booted the beadle, and pelted the eon- 
stabidary — an elderly gentteman in 
top^bootfl) who had been called out to 
repreoB the tnmnlty and who had been a 
peace-officer, man and boy, for half a 
ceiii nry at least. And Mr. Nnpknifl 
was ffltting in his easy diatr, frowning 
wilh majesty, and boiling with rage, 
when a lady was annoonrad on pres- 
sing, private, and paxticnlar basmess. 
Mr. Nupkins looked calndy terrible, 
and commanded* that the lady shoidd 
be shown in : whi^ command, like all 
the mandates of emperorB, and nmgis- 
trates, ami 'other great potentates of 
the earth, was forthwith obeyed ; and 
Miss Witherfield, intenstingly agi* 
tated, was ushered in aoeordingly. 

'Mnzzie !*' said the magistrate. 

Muzade was an mider^sized footman, 
wiHi a long body and short legs. 

'< •Muzzle!'* 

* Yes, your worship." 

''Hace a chair and leare theroom.^' 

* Yes, your wonbip." 

^ Now, ma'am, will you state yoor 
business ! " said the magistrate. 

^It is of a very pamnd kind, shr," 
said Miss Witherfield. 

* Very likely, ma'am," said the ma* 
gistrate. "C^pose your feelings, 
ma'am." Here Mr. Nupkins loolred 
benignant <^ And then tell me what 
legal business brings you here, ma'am." 
Here the magistrate triumfrfied over 
the man ; and he looked stem again. 

^It is T^ di bireaai ng to me, su», 
to gire this information," said Miss 
Witherfield, <« but I fear a duel is 
going to be fought heore." 

'^Here, ma'am t" said the magis- 
trate. « Where, ma'am!" 

** In Ipswich." 

''In Ipswich, ma\km->a duel in Ips- 
meh !" said the magistrate, perfectly 
aghast at the notion. << Impossible, 
ma'am ; nothing of the kind can be 
contemplated in this town^ I am per- 
suaded. Bless my soid, ma'am, are 
you aware of the adiTity of onr local 
magistracy ! Do you happen to have 
heard, ma'am, that I rushed into a 
prize-ring on the fourth of May last, 
attended by only sixty special constat 
bles ; and, at the hamd of ~ ~ 



sacrifioe to the angry passiooB of an 
infuriated multitUTO, prohibited a po* 
gilistic contest betweuk tiie Middlesex 
Dumpling, and the Soflblk Bantam I 
A duel in Ipswich, maVon ! I don't 
think — I do n6t thinks" said the 
magistrate, reasoning with Hi— *if, 
^Ihat any two men can have had the 
hardihood to plan suehftbreadi of tfa* 
peace, in this town." 

«My infionnaitiott' is unfertuatoly 
but too correct," said the middle aged 
hdy, *^1 was present at the ^uarreL" 

<* It 's a most extraordinary thini^" 
said the astounded magistnleb *^ Mva* 
del" 

«" Yes, yoor wmbip." 

'^Send Mr. Jinka hare, direotly— 
instantly." 

« Yes, yvwr wmrahip." 

Muzzle retired ; and a paley sharp- 
nosed, half-fed, sfaabfafly-elad dsrl^ of 
middle aoe, entered the xooou 

« Mr; Jink^" said the magisteate» 
«(Bfc Jinks 1" 

« Sir," said Mr. Jmka 

^TiuB ladrf, Mr. Jinks, has oorae 
here, to zive^uKformaitiosi o£aa intended 
dael in ttiis town." 

Mr. Jinks, not exactly knowing' 'v^iat 
to do, smfled a dependent's smile. 

<<Whal are yon laughing aty Mr. 
Jinks!" said the magiiimte. 

Blr. Jinks lodied serions^ instantly. 

<»Mr. JhOos" said tha magialrate^ 
**yDn're afooL" 

Mr. Jinks lotted hmnbly at the 
great man,. and bit the top of his 
pen. 

^ You may see something Tery comi- 
cal in this information, sir ; but I can 
tell you this, Mr. Jinks, that yoa have 
rerylittle to laugh at," said the magis- 
trate. 

The hnngry*looking Jinks aighed, as 
if he were quite aware of the faet of 
his having very little indeed, to be 
menry about ; and, being ordered to 
take the lady^s information, shamUed 
to a seal, and proceeded to write it 
down; 

''ThismanyPickwiek^istfaapRncipal, 
I understand," said the magistrate, 
when the utatfTUfTt was finished. 

** He is;* said the middle-aged lady. 

02 



106 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



^ And the oilier rioter — what 's hiB 
luane, Bfr. Jinks I ** 

^ Tupman, rir." 

^ Tupman is the second ! " 

"Yes." 

<* The other principal you say, has 
absconded, ma'am ! " 

««Yes," repUed Miss Witherfield, 
with a short cough. 

'^Very well," said the magistrate. 
** These are two cut-throats from Lon- 
don, who have come down here, to 
destroy his Majesty's population : think- 
ing that at this distance from the capi- 
ti^ ^6 ttnn of the law is weak and 
paralysed. They shall be made an 
example of. Draw up the warrants, 
Mr. Jinks. Muzzle !" 

" Yes, your worship.'* 

^ Is Grummer down stairs t " 

" Yes, your worship." 

** Send him up." 

The obsequious Muzzle retired, and 
presently returned, introducing the 
elderly gentleman in the top-boote^ who 
was chiefly remarkable for a bottle- 
nose, a hoarse voice, a snuff-coloured 
-surtout, and a wandering eye. 

<v Grummer," said the magistrate. 

** Your wash-up." 

" Is the town quiet now ! " 

* Pretty well, your wash-up," re- 
plied Grummer. << Pop'lar feeling has 
m a measure subsided, consekens o' 
the boys having dispersed to cricket." 

" Nothing but vigorous measures 
will do, in these times, Grummer," 
said the maristrate, in a determined 
manner. << If the authority of the 
king's officers is set at nought, we must 
have tiie riot act read. If the civil 
power cannot protect these windows, 
Grummer, the military must protect 
the civil power, and the windows too. 
I believe that is a maxim of the con- 
stitution, Mr. Jinks 1 " 

« Certainly, sir," said Jinks. 

" Very good," said the magistrate, 
signinff the warrants. " Grammer, 
you wJl bring these persons before me, 
this afternoon. You will fhid them at 
the Great White Horse. You recol- 
leet the case of the Middlesex Dump- 
ling and the Suffolk Bantam, Grum- 
mer!" 



Mr. Grummer intimated, by a retro- 
roective dhake of the head, that he 
should never forget it — as indeed it 
was not likely he would, so long as it 
continued to be cited daily. 

<< This is even more unconstitu- 
tional," said the magistrate ; " this is 
even a greater breach of the peace, 
and a grosser infringement of his 
Majesty's prerogative. I believe duel- 
ling is one of iSb Majesty's most un- 
doubted prerogatives, Mr. Jinks ! " 

*^ Expressly stipulated in Magna 
Charta, sir," said Mr. Jinks. 

^ One of the brightest jewels in the 
British crown, wrung from his Majesty 
by tiie Barons, I believe, Mr. Jinks !" 
said the magistrate. 

" Just so, sir," replied Bfr. Jinks. 

''Very well," said the magistrate, 
drawing himself up proudly, ** it shall 
not be violated in this portion of his 
dominions. Grummer, procure asstst- 
ance, and execute tiiese warrants 
with as littie delay as possible.. Muz- 
zle 1" 

" Yes, your worship." 

« Show the Udy out." 

Miss Witherfleld retired, deeply im- 
pressed with the magistrate's learning 
and research ; Mr. Nupkins retired to 
lunch ; Mr. Jinks retired vrithin him- 
self — that being the only retirement he 
had, except the sofjib-bedstead in the 
small parlour which was occupied by 
his lanalady's family in the day-time-r- 
and Mr. Grummer retired, to wipe 
out, by his mode of discharging his 
present commission, the insult which 
had been fastened upon himself, and 
the other rq>re8entative of his Majesty 
— ^the beadle— in the course of the 
morning. 

While these resolute and deter- 
mined preparations for the conserva- 
tion of me King's peace, were pending, 
Mr. Pickwick, and his friends, wholly 
unconscious of the mighty events in 
progress, had sat quietly down to 
dinner ; and very talkative and com- 
panionable they all were. Mr. Pick- 
wick was in the very act of relating his 
adventure of the preceding night, to 
the neat amusement of his followers : 
Mr. Tupman especially: when the door 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



197 



opened, and a somewhat farbidding 
countenance peeped into the room. 
The eyes in the forbidding countenance 
looked very earnestly at Mr. Pickwick, 
for several second^ and were to all 
appearance satisfied with their in- 
restigation; for the body to which 
the forbidding countenance belonged, 
slowly brought itself into the ajmrt- 
menl^ and presented the form of an 
elderly individual in top-boots — ^not to 
keep the reader any longer in sus- 
pense, in short, the eyes were the 
wandering eyes of Mr. Grummer, and 
the body was the body of the same 
gentleman. 

Mr. Grummer*s mode of proceeding 
was professional, but peculiar. His 
first act was to bolt the door on the 
inside ; his second, to pohsh his head 
and countenance very carefully with a 
cotton handkerchief; his third, to 
place his hat, with the cotton handker- 
chief in it, on the nearest chair ; and 
his foyrth to produce from the breast- 
pocket of his coat, a riiort truncheon 
surmomited by a brazen crown, with 
which he beckoned to Mr. Pickwick 
with a grave and ghost-like air. 

Mr. Snodgrass was the first to break 
the astonished silence. He looked 
steadily at Mr. Grummer for a brief 
space, and then said emphatically: 
" This is a private room, sir — a private 
room." 

Mr. Grummer shook his head, and 
replied, "No room's private to His 
Majesty when the street door 's once 
passed. That's law. Some people 
maintains that an Englishman's house 
is his castle. That 's gammon." 

The Pickwickians gazed on each 
other, witli wondering eyes. 

" Which is Mr. Tupman !" inquired 
Mr. Grummer. He had an intuitive 

gerception of Mr. Pickwick ; he knew 
im at once. 

" My name 's Tupman," said tkat 
gentleman. 

"My name's Law," said Mr. 
Grummer. 

« What ! " said Mr. Tupman. 

"Law," repUed Mr. Grummer, 
" law, civil power, and exekative ; 
them 's my titles ; here 's my autho- 



rity. Blank Tupman, blank Pickviek 
— against the peace of our sufferin 
ImA the King — stattit in that case 
made and purwided — and all regular. 
I apprehend you Pickviek I Tupman — 
the aforesaid." • 

**What do you mean by this inso- 
lence ! " said Mr. Tupman, starting up : 
**Leave the room ! " , 

"Halloo," said Mr. Grummer, re- 
treating very expeditiously to the 
door, and opening it an inch, or two, 
"Dubbley." 

" Well," said a deep voice from the 
passage. 

" C^me for*ard, Dubbley," said Mr. 
Grummer. 

At the word of command, a dirty- 
faced man, something over six feet 
high, and stout in proportion, squeezed 
himself through the half-open door: 
making his face very red in the pro- 
cess : and entered the room. 

"Is the other specials outside, 
Dubbley \ " inquired Mr. Gnunmer. 

Mr. Dubbley, who was a man of few 
words, nodded assent. 

** Order in tlie diwision under your 
charge, Dubbley," said Mr. Grununer. 

Mr. Dubbley did as he was desired ; 
and half a dozen men, each with a 
short truncheon and a brass crown, 
flocked into the room. Mr. Grummer 
pocketed his staff, and looked at Mr. 
Dubbley; Mr. Dubbley pocketed hi9 
staff and looked at the division ; 
and the division pocketed Uieir staves 
and looked at Messrs. Tupman and 
Pickwick. 

Mr. Pickwick and his followers, rose 
as one man. 

" What is the meaning of this atro- 
cious intrufflon upon my privacy ! " 
said Mr. Pickwick. 

" Who dares apprehend me ? " said 
Mr. Tupman. 

" What do you want here. Scoun- 
drels V* said Mr. Snodgrass. 

Mr. Winkle said nothing, but he 
fixed his eyes on Grummer, and be- 
stowed a look upon him, which, if 
he had had any feeling, must have 
pierced his brain. As it was, how- 
ever, it had no visible effect upon 
him whatever. 



198 



PO0THUMOUB PAFGBS OF 



When the exeentnre penmred that 
Mr. Pickwick and his friends were 
diqpoeed to resist the Miihorit/ of the 
law, diey very significantly tmcned up 
tfae^ coat sleeYes, as if knocking them 
down iu the first instancSyand tsking 
them up afterwards, were a mere> pro- 
fessional act which had only to he 
thought of, tft be done, ss a matter of 
ooorae. This demonstration was not 
lost upon Mr, Pickwick. He conferred 
a few moments with Mr. Tnpmaa apart, 
and then signified his readiness to pro- 
oeed to the Mayor's residsnce : merely 
begginff the parties then and there 
assembled, to take notice, that it was 
his firm intention to resent this mon- 
strous invasion of his privileges as an 
Englishman, the instant he was at 
Ubarty ; whereat the parties then and 
there asaembled, laughed very heartily, 
with the single exception of lur. 
Grummer, wlu> seemed to consider 
that any dight cast upon the divine 
right of magistrates, was a spedes of 
blasphemy, not to be tolerated. 

But when Mr. Pickwick had signi- 
fied his readiness to bow to the laws of 
his ofNmtry ; and just when the waiters, 
and hostiers, and chamber-maids, and 
post-boys, who had anticipated a de- 
lightful commotion from his threatened 
obstinacy, bmn to turn away, disap- 
pointed and disgusted ; adifficulty arose 
which had not been foreseen. With 
esrery sentiment of veneration for the 
constituted authorities, Mr. Pickwiek 
resolutely protested against making his 
appearance in the public streets, sur- 
rounded and guarded by the officers 
of justice, like a common criminal 
Mr. Grummer, in the then disturbed 
state of public feeling (for. it was half- 
holiday, and the boys had not yet gone 
home), as resolutely protested against 
walking on Ihe opposite side o{ the 
way, and taking Mr. Pickwiok*s parole 
that he would go straight to the magis- 
tnate^s; and hath Mr. Pickwick and 
Mr. Ti4>man as strenuously objected to 
the expense of a post-coach, which was 
the only respeetaUe conv^rance that 
oovld he obtained. The dUspute ran 
high, and the dilwmna lasted long ; and 
Just as the executive were on the 



point of overcoming Mr. Pickwick*8 
objection to walking to the magis- 
trate's, by the trite expedient of carry- 
ing him thither, it was reooUeeted that 
there stood in the inn yard, an old 
sedan chair, which having been oxi- 
ginallv built for a gouty gentleman 
with mnded property, would hold Mr* 
Pickwick and ytr. Tupman, at least as 
convenientiy as a modem post-qhaiBe. 
The chair was hired, and bron^t 
into the hall ; Mr. Pickwick and Mrt 
Tupman siineezed themselves inside^ 
and pulled down tiie blinds ; a oonple 
of chairmen were speedily found; and 
the procession started in grand order. 
The specials surrounded the body of 
the vehicle ; Mr. Gnunmer and Mr. 
Dubbley marched triumphantly in 
front ; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle 
walked arm-in-arm behind; and the 
unsoaped of Ipswich hrou^t up the 



The shopkeepers of the town, 
although they had a very indistinct 
notion of the nature of tiie ofienoe, 
could not but be much edified and 
gratified by this spectacle. Here was 
tiie strong arm of the law, coming 
down with twenty gold-beater force, 
upon two offenders from the metro* 
polis itself; the mighty engine was 
directed by their own magistrate, and 
worked by their own officers ; and 
both the criminals by their imited 
efforts, were securely shut up, in 
the narrow compass of one sedan* 
chair. Many were the expressions 
of i^proval and admiration which 
greeted Mr. Gtrummer, as he headed 
tiie cavalcade, staff in hand ; loud 
and long were the shouts which were 
raised bv the unsoaped ; and amidst 
these muted testimonials of public ap- 
probation, the procession moved slowly 
and majestically along. 

Mr. Weller, habited in his morning 
jaAet with the Uack calioo sleeveSy 
was returning in a rather desponding 
state from an unsuoeessfiil survey of 
tiie mysterious house with the green 
gate, when, raising his eyes, he beheld 
a crowd pouring down the street, sur- 
rounding an cS»jeet which had veiy 
mncfa the i^pearance of a sedao-chair 



THE PICEWIGE CLUB. 



199 



WilliDg to divert his tfaonghia from 
dieliMliireof his enterpiriBe, he itoftped 
aside to see the cnnrd jpaaa ; and 
finding that they were cheering away, 
Tery much to tiieir own satirfartjon, 
for&wi& began (by way of xsaiaing 
his qurits) to eheer too^ with all hia 
nagfat and main. 

Sir. Grummer passed, and .Mr. 
Bubbley passed, and the sedan passed, 
and the body-guard of specials passed, 
and Sam was still responding to the 
enthusiastie cheers of the mob, and 
waving his hat about as if he were in 
the very last extreme of the wildest joy 
(though, of course, he had not the 
faintest idea of the matter in hand), 
when he was suddenly stopped by the 
imaxpeeted appeacance of Mr. Winkle 
and "Mr, Snodgrass. 

** What *s the row, genl'm'n I " cried 
Sam. *' Who hare they got in this 
here wateh4)ox in monznin' ! " 

Both gentlemen repUed together, 
Imt their words were lost in the 
tomult. 

'< Who !" cried Sam again. 

Once more, was a josnt reply xe- 
tamed ; and though tne words wese 
inaudible, Sam saw by the motion of 
<he two pairs of ^ps thai the^ had 
nitered the magic word ^ Pidcwick." 

This was enoueh. In another 
minute Mr. WeUer had made his way 
through the eoowd, stopped the 
duurmen, and confronted the portly 
Grummer. 

«Hallo, old genlWnl** said 6am. 
^ Who have you got in this here oon- 
^Nnayanoe I ** 

<< Stand back," said Mr. Gxaammer, 
whose dignity, like the dignity of a 
gnat many otlier men, bad been 
wondroualy angmented by a littie 
popularity. 

^Knook him down, if he dQiL%*' 
«aid Mr. Dubbley. 

^ I'm wery much obliged to yon, 
old g8nl'm*n," replied Sam, ^ for con- 
sulting my conwemenee, and Tm still 
more ok^ged to the other gsnlTm'n 
who looks as if he'd just escaped 
from a Rant's oairywan,. lor his wery 
'ansome sqggeslion ; but I should per- 
fer your givin' me a answer to my 



qnestioD, if it 's all the same to yon.-— 
How are you, sir ! " This last 
ebs^rvation was addressed with a 
patronising air to Mr. Pickwick, 
who was peqiittg through the front 
window. 

Mr. Grummer, perfectly qpeech- 
leas with indignation, dragged the 
tanmcheon with the hraas crown, frtmi 
its partienhu* pocket, and floniiidaBd it 
before Sam's eyes. 

" Ah," said Sam, "it*s wery pretty, 
'specially the crown, which is uncom- 
mon like the real one." 

<^ Stand back!" said the outraged 
Mr. Grummer. By way of adding 
force to the command, he thrust the 
brass emblem of royalty into Sam's 
neckcloth with one hand, and seized 
Smaa's collar with the other: a com- 
pliment which Mr. Weller returned 
by knocking him down out of hand : 
lukving previously, with the utmost 
consi&ralion, knocked down a chair- 
man for him to lie i^>on. 

Whether Mr. Winkle was seised 
with a temporary attack of that species 
of insanity which originates in a sense 
of injury^ or animated b^ this display 
of Mr. Weller's valour, is uncertain ; 
but certain it is, that he no sooner saw 
Mr. Grummer fall, than he made a 
terrific onalaiight on a small boy who 
stood next hun ; whereupon Mr. Snod- 
grass, in a truly christian spirit, and 
in order thai he might take no one 
unawares, annomieed in a very loud 
tone that he was gomg to begin, and 
proceeded to take off his coat with the 
utmost deHberaiion. He was imme- 
diately surrounded and secured ; and 
it is but common justice both to him 
and Mr. Winkle to tfiy, thai they did 
not make the slightest attempt to 
reseoe ekher themselves or Mr. 
Weller: who, after a most vigorous 
resistance, was ovwpowered by num- 
bers, and taken prisoner. The pro- 
cession then re-formed ; the chairmen 
resumed ihcnr stations; and the march 
-was recommenced. 

Mr. Pickwick's indignation duriqg 
the whole of this proceeding, was 
beyond all bounds. He could iust see 
Sam iqtsetting the specials, and flyii^ 



200 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



iboot, In erery direction; and thai 
was all be could see, for the sedan 
doors wouldn't open, and the blinds 
wouldnH pull up. At length, with the 
assistance of Mr. Tupman, he managed 
to push open the roof ; and mounting 
on the seat, and steadvinj; himself as 
well as he could, by placing his hand 
on that gentleman's shoulder, Bfr. Pick- 
wick proceeded to address the multi- 



tude ; to dwell upon the unjustifiable 
«"*""<^ in which he had been treated ; 
and to call upon them to take notice 
that his servant had been first 
assaulted. In this order thejr reached 
the magistrate's house ; the chairmen 
trotting, the prisoners following, Mr. 
Pickwick oratorising, and the crowd 
shouting. 



CHAPTER XXV. 

SHOWINO, AMOKO A VAIUBTT OF PLKASAIIT MATTBBS, HOW MAJESTIC AND 
IMPA&TIAL MB. MUPKINS WAS ; AND HOW MR. WELLEB HETUBNED MR. JOB 
trotter's SHUTTLECOCK, AS HBATILT AS IT CAME. WITH ANOTHER MATTER, 
WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE. 



Violent was Mr. Weller's indigna- 
tion as he was borne aloog ; numerous 
were the allasions to the personal ap- 
pearance and demeanour of Mr. 
Grummer and his compsnion : and 
valorous were the defiances to any six 
of the gentlemen present : in which he 
vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snod- 
grasB and Mr. Winkle listened with 
gloomy respect to the torrent of elo- 
quence which their leader poured 
K>rth, from the sedan chair, and the 
rapid course of which, not all Mr. 
Tupman's earnest entreaties to have 
the lid of the vehicle closed, were able 
to check for an instant. But Mr. Wel- 
ler's anger quickly gave way to curio- 
sity, when the procession turned down 
the identical court-yard in which he 
had met with the runaway Job Trot- 
ter : and curiosity was exchanged for 
a feeling of the most gleeful astonish- 
ment, when the all-important Mr. 
Grummer, commanding the sedan- 
bearers to halt, advanced with dig- 
nified and portentous steps, to the 
very green gate from which Job Trot- 
ter had emerged, and gave a mighty 
pull at the bell-handle which hung at 
the side thereof. The ring was an- 
swered by a veiy smart and pretty- 
faced servant-girl, who, after holding 
up her hands ip astonishment at the 
rebellious appearance of the prisoners, 



and the impassioned language of Mr* 
Pickwick, summoned Mr. Muzzle. Mr. 
Muzzle opened one-half of the carriage 
gate, to admit the sedan, the captured 
ones, and the spedab ; and imme- 
diately slammed it in the faces of the 
mob, who, indignant at being excluded, 
and anxious to see what followed, 
relieved their feelings by kicking at 
the gate and ringing the bell, for an 
hour or two afterwards. In this 
amusement they all took part by turns, 
except three or four fortunate in- 
dividuals, who, having discovered a 
grating in the gate which commanded 
a view of nothing, stared through 
it, with the indefatigable perseve- 
rance with which people will flatten 
their noses against the front windows 
of a chemist's shop, when a drunken 
man, who has been run over by a 
dog-cart in the street, is undergoing a 
surgical inspection in the back-parlour. 
At the foot of a flight of steps, 
leading to the house door, which was 
guarded on either aide by an Ameri- 
can aloe in a green tub, the sedan- 
chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his 
friends were conducted into the haU, 
whence, having been previously an- 
nounced by Muzzle, and ordered in 
by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered 
into the worshipful presence of that 
public-spirited oflioer. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



201 



The scene was an impressiYe one, 
well calculated to strike terror to the' 
hearts of culprits, and to impress them 
with an adequate idea of the stem 
majesty of tlie law. In front of a big 
book-case, in a big chair, behind a big 
table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. 
Nupkins, lookine a full size larger 
than any one of them, big as they 
were. The table was adorned with 
piles of papers : and above the further 
end of it, appeared the head and shoul- 
ders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily en- 
gaged in looking as busy as posable. 
The party haying all entered. Muzzle 
carefully closed the door, and placed 
himself behind his master's chair to 
await his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw 
himself back, with thrilling solemnity, 
and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling 
▼iaters. 

<^ Now, Grummer, who is that per- 
son ! " said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to 
Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman 
of his friends, stood hat in hand, bow- 
ing with the utmost poUteness and 
respect 

** This here 's Pickvick, your wash- 
up," said Grummer. 

^ Come, none o* that 'ere, old Strike- 
a-light," interposed Mr. Weller, elbow- 
ing himself into the front rank. '< Beg 
your pardon, sir, but this here officer 
o' youm in the gambooge tops, 'ull 
never earn a decent livin' as a master 
o' the ceremonies any vere. This 
here, sir," continued Mr. Weller, 
thrusting Grummer aside, and ad- 
dressing the magistrate with pleasant 
familiarity, "Tins here is S. Pick- 
vick, Esquire ; this here 's Mr. Tup- 
man ; that 'ore's Mr. Snodgrass ; and 
furder on, next him on Sie t'other 
side, Mr. Winkle — all wery nice 
genl'm'n, sir, as you 'U be wery happy 
to have the acquaintance on ; so the 
sooner you commits these here officers 
o* youm to the tread-mill for a month 
' or two, the sooner we shall begin to 
be on a pleasant understanding. Bu- 
siness first, pleasure arterwards, as 
King Richard the Tlurd said wen he 
stabbed the t'other king in the Tower, 
afore he smothered the babbies." 

At the conclusion of this address, 



o 



Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his 
right elbow, and nodded benignly to 
Jinks, who had heard him tlurough- 
out, with unspeakable awe. 

**Who is this man, Grummer!" 
said the magistrate. 

**Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your 
wash-up," replied Grummer. " He at- 
tempted to rescue the prisoners, and 
assaulted the officers ; so we took him 
into custody, and brought him here." 

** You did quite right," replied the 
magistrate. ''He is evidently a des- 
perate ruffian." 

'* He is my servant, sir," said Mr. 
Pickwick, angrily. 

** Oh ! he is your servant, is he ! " 
said Mr. Nupkins. ** A conspiracy to 
defeat the ends of justice, and murder 
its officers. Pickwick's servant. Put 
that down, Mr. Jinks." 

Mr. Jinks did so. 

** What *s your name, fellow 1 " thun- 
dered Mr. Nupkins. 

" Veller," replied Sam. 

'' A very good name for the Newgate 
Calendar," said Mr. Nupkins. 

This was a joke ; so Jinks, Grum- 
mer, Dubbley, all the specials, and 
Muzzle, went^into fits of laughter of 
five minutes' duration. 

** Put down his name, Mr. Jinks," 
said the magistrate. 

« Two L's, old feUer," said Sam. 

Here an unfortunate special laughed 
again, whereupon the magistrate 
threatened to commit him, instantly. 
It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the 
wrong man, in these cases. 

"Where do you livel" said the 
magistrate. 

" Vare-ever I can,** replied Sam. 

*^ Put down that, Mr. Jinks,** said 
the magistrate, who was fast rising into 
a rage. 

*' Score it under," said Sam. 

" He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,** said 
the magistrate. '* He is a vagabond on 
his own statement; is he not, Mr. 
Jinks 1" 

« Certainly, sir." 

« Then I *11 commit hun. I *U com- 
mit him, as such," said Mr. Nupkins. 

" This is a wery impartial country 
for justice," said Sam. '* There ain^t 



303 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



a BMcifltnto goings as don't commit 
hkmeif, twice as oiken as he commitB 
ether people." 

At tniB Ballv another upedal laaghed, 
and then tried to look so sapematorally 
aolenm, that the magistrato detected 
him immediately. 

^ Ghrummer,'* said Mr. Ni:9k]n8, 
reddening with passion, ^how dare 
yon select sach an inefficient and di»< 
repntable person for a special constable, 
as that man! How dare you do it, 

** I am very soiry, your wash^np/' 
stammered Gnumner. 

** Very sorry 1 " said the forioos 
macistrate. ** You shall repent of this 
newest of daty, Mr. Gmmmer ; yon 
shall be made an example of. Take 
that fellow's staff away. He's dnmk. 
You 're drunk, fellow.'' 

*'I am not dronk^ your vrvrAig,** 
flsid the man. 

** You are drunk," retsmed the ma- 
gistrate. '' How dare you say yon arc 
not drunk, sir, when I say you are 1 
Doesn't he smell of qnrits, Grummer ? " 

^ Horrid, your wash-up," replied 
€hnmmer, who had a Tague impression 
tiiat thffire was a smelPi»f r«m some- 
where 

« I knew he did," said Mr. Nopkms. 
^ I saw he was drank when he first 
came into the room, by his excited eye. 
Did yon obsenre his excited eye« Mr. 
Jmksf" 

« Certamly, sir." 

" I haven^t toadied a drop of spirits 
this morning," said the man, who was 
as- sober a feUow as need be. 

'' How dare you tell me a fidsehood V* 
said Mr. Nupkios. '^Isn 't he dnmk 
at this moment, Mr. Jinks ! " 

^ Certainly, sir," reptied Jmks. 

^ Mr. Jinka," said the magistrate, 
^I shall oomnut that man, lor con- 
tempt Make out his cemmittaL Mr. 
Jinks." 

And committed the upecial would 
have been, only Jinks, who was the 
magistrate's adviser (having had a legal 
edncation of three yeais in a country 
atteney's «iffiee> whiapered the magis- 
tnte Oat he.llioagfat it wouldn't do ; 
so the- magistrate made a qpeeeh, and 



that in comddecation of the spe- 
cial's family, he would merely repri- 
mand and diseharge him. Accoxdinglyy 
the special was abused, vehemently, for 
a quarter of an hour, and sent about 
his business : and Grummer, Dubbleyi 
Mozsle, and aU the other specials mur* 
mured their admirati<»i of the magna- 
nimity of Mr. Ni^kins. 

^ Now, Mr. Jixiks," said the magia* 
trate, " swear Grmnmer." 

Grummer was sworn directly ; but 
as Gnunmer wandered, and Mr. Nap- 
kins' dinner was nearly ready, Mr. 
Nupkins cut the matter short, by put- 
ting leading questions to Grommer, 
which Gnmuner answered as nearly in 
the affirmative as he could. So the 
examination went off, all very tmooth 
and comfortable, and two asaanlts 
were proved against Mr. Weller,attd a 
threat i^^ainst Mr. Winklejsnd a push 
sgainst Mr. Snodgrass. When alt this 
was done to the magistrate's satis- 
faction, the ma^;istrate and Mr. Jinks 
consulted in whispers. 

The consultation having lasted about 
ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired to his 
end of the table ; and the magirtrate^ 
with a preparatory cough, drew him- 
self up in hu chair,and was proceeding 
to commence his addrefis, when Mr. 
Pickwick interposed. 

*' I bsg your pardon, sir, for inteiv 
ropting yon," said Mr. Pickwick ; 
''but before you proceed to express^ 
and act upon, any opinion you mav 
have formed on the statements which 
have been made here, I must claim my 
right to be heard, so £ar as lam per- 
sonally concerned." 

''Hold your toiigue, sir," said the 
magistrate, peremptorily. 

" I must submit to you, sur,"— said 
Mr. Piekwiek. 

"Hold your tongue, sur," interposed 
the magistrate, " or I shall order an 
officer to remove you." 

" Yoa may order your officers to do 
whatever you please, sir," said Mr. 
Pickwick; "and I have no doubt, from 
the specimen I have had of the subor- 
diaation preserved among them, that 
whatever you order, they will execute, 
sr; hat lahall take the liberty, mr, of 



THB PICKWICir CLUB. 



SOS 



f^i ^minp my righiKto be huad, unUl I 
am remcyved by force." 

*' Pickviek and principle," exdaiflied 
Mr. WeUer, in a very audible Toice. 

« Sam, be quie V «Md Mr. Piek- 
mck. 

** DiHnb as adram vitii a hele^in it, 
air," repUed Sam. 

Bfr. Napkins looked at Mr. Pickwick 
wifii a gaze of intense astntninhmentyat 
liis displaying Bvuch univonted tomerity ; 
and was apparently about to retom a 
rerv angry reply, wfaeo Mr. Jinks 
polled him by the sLoeTe, and whis- 
pered Bomethmg in his ear. To this, 
the magistrate retomed a. half-audible 
answer, and then the whiapering was 
renewed. Jinks was erident]^ remon- 



At length the magistrate, gulping 
down, wi£ a Tery bad grace, his diain- 
cUnation to hear anything more, tamed 
to Mr, Piekwick, and said sharply — 
<* What do you want to say %" 

^ First," said Mr. Pickwick, sendmg 
a look through his spectacles, under 
which even Nupkins quailed. *' First, 
I wish to know what I and my friend 
haye been l»*ougfat here for 1 " 

« Must I teU him !" whimpered the 
magistrate to Jinks. 

« I think you had better, nr," whis- 
pered Jinks to the magistrate. 

^ An information has been awom 
before me," said the magistrate, ** that 
it is apprehended you are going to fi^ t 
a duel, and that the other man. Tup- 
man, is your aider and abettor in it. 
Therefore— eh, Mr. Jinks I " 

« Certainly, sir." 

''Therefore, I call upon you both, 
to— I think that's the oouxse. .Mr. 
Jmks!" 

« Certainly, sir.'' 

aTo— to— what Mr. Jmksl" said 
the magistrate, pettishly. 

<« To find bail, sir." 

'' Yes. TheMfore, I *-Qidl * apon you 
both — as I was about to say, when I 
was interrupted by my derk — to find 
bail." 

«Good bnfl," whiqpered Mi. Jinks. 

-'< I shaU require good bail^". said the 
magistrate. 

** Town's-peop]%"4»hiflpered. Jinks. . 



<< The^ must be town's-people," said 
the masistrate. 

'* Fifty pounds each," wfaiq>ered 
Jinks, '^and houadioldera, of course." 

« I shall require twosureiieB of fifty 
pounds each," said the magistrate 
aloud, with great dignity, ''and they 
mnst be householders, of course." 

" But^ bless my heart, air," said Mr. 
Pickwick, who, together with Mr. 
Tupnan, was all amaaement and indig- 
nation ; " we are perfect strangers m 
this town. I have as little Imowledge 
of any householders here, as I have in- 
tention of fiditing a duel with any- 
body." 

" I dare say," replied the magistrate, 
" I dare say— don't you, Mr. Jinks ! " 

« Certainly, sir." 

" Have you anything more to say 1" 
inquired the magistrate. 

Mr. Pickwiek had a great deal 
more to say, which he would no doubt 
have said, Tery little to his own advan- 
tage, or the magistrate's satiabetion, 
if he had not, the moment he ceased 
speaidng, been pulled by the sleeve by 
Mr. WSler, vnih whom he was imme- 
diately engaged in so earnest a conver- 
sation, tbi^ he suffered the magistzateVei 
inquiry to pass wholly unnotioed. Mr. 
Nupkins was not the man to ask a 
question of the kind twice over ; and 
so, with another preparatory cough, 
he proceeded, amidst the reverential 
and admiring silence of the coDstahleSy 
to pronmmee his decision. 

He should fine WtSkr two pounds 
for the first aaeaalt, and three pounds 
for the second. He should fine Winkle 
two. pounds, and Snodgcaas one pound, 
besides requiring them to enter into 
their own recognizances to keep the 
peace .towards all .his Majesty's aub- 
jectsy and eqieeiaUy towanos his liege 
servant, Daniel Grummer. Pickwidc 
avd Tvfmuai he had already held to * 
haU. 

Immediately on the magistrate 
ceasmg .to apmk, .Mr. Piekwick, with 
A smile mantling en his again-good- 
humoured countenance, stepped for- 
ward, and said: 

" I beg the magistrate^ pardon, but 
may I request a few minutas' private 



204 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



oonvenfttion with him, on a matto of 
deep importance to himself 1 " 

« What 1 " said the magistrate. 

Mr. Pickwick repeated his request. 

^This is a most extraordinary re- 
quest," said the magbtrate. ''A pri- 
yate interriew 1 ** 

"A private 'interview,** replied Mr. 
Pickwick, firmly ; " only, as a part of 
the information which I wish to com- 
municate is derived from my servant, 
I should wish him to he present** 

The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks ; 
Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate; 
and the officers looked at each other in 
amazement. Mr. Nupkins turned sud- 
denly pale. Could the man Weller, in 
a moment of remorse, have divulged 
some secret conspiracy for his assassi- 
nation 1 It was a dreadful thought 
He was a public man ; and he turned 
paler, as he thought of Julius Ceesar 
and Mr. Perceval 

The magistrate looked at Mr. Pick- 
wick again, and beckoned Mr. Jinks. 

*^ What do you think of this request, 
Mr. Jinks 1 " murmured Mr. Nupkins. 

Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly loiow 
what to think of it, and was afraid he 
might offend, smiled feebly, after a 
dubious fashion, and, Bci*ewing up the 
comers of his mouth, diook his head 
slowly from side to side. 

''Mr. Jinks/' said the magistrate, 
gravely, ** vou are an ass." 

At this little expression of opinion, 
Mr. Jinks smiled again — ^rather more 
feebly than before— and edged himself, 
by degrees, back into his own comer. 

Mr. Nupkins debated the matter 
within himself for a few seconds, and 
then, rising from his chair, and re- 
questing Mbr. Pickwick and Sam to fol- 
low him, led the way into a small room 
which opened into the justice parlour. 
Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the 
upper end of the little apartment, 
and holding his hand upon the half- 
closed door, that he might be able to 
effect an immediate escape, in case 
there was the least tendency to a dis- 
play of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins ex- 
preissed his readiness to hear the com- 
mimication, whatever it might be. 

'* I will come to the point at once 



sir,** said Mr. Pickwick ; « it affects 

fourself, and your credit, materially. 
have every reason to believe, sir, 
that you are harbouring in your house, 
a gross impostor I ** 

«Two,** intermpted Sam, <<Mul. 
berry agin all natur, for tears and 
willMnny." 

'' Sam,** said Mr. Pickwick, '^ if I am 
to render myself intelligible to this 
gentleman, I must beg you to control 
your feelings.*' 

« Wery sony, sir,** replied Mr. 
Weller ; ** but when I think o* that ere 
Job, I can't help opening the waive a 
inch or two.*' 

'* In one word, sir,** said Mi*. Pick- 
wick, ** is my servant right in suspecting 
that a certain CSaptain Fitz-MaiihaU is 
in the habit of visiting here ! Because," 
added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that 
Mr. Nupkins was about to offer a very 
indignant interruption, ''because, if 
he be, I know that person to be a — ** 

"Hush, hush,** said Mr. Nupkins, 
closing the door. "Know him to be 
what, sir 1 *' 

" An unprincipled adventurer — a 
dishonourable character — a man who 
preys upon society, and makes easily- 
deceived people his dupes, sir ; lus 
absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, 
sir,** said the excited Mr. Pickwick. 

« Dear me,'* said Mr. Nupkins, 
turning very red, and altering his 
whole manner directly. " Dear me, 
Mr.—" 

" Pickvick,** said Sam. 

"Pickwick," said the magistrate, 
" dear me, Mr. Pickwick— pray take 
a seat — ^you cannot mean this ! Cap- 
tain Fitz-Marshalll " 

"Don't call him a cap'en," said 
Sam, " nor Fitz-Marshall neither ; he 
ain't neither one nor t'other. He's 
a strolling actor, he is, and his name's 
Jingle ; and if ever there was a wolf 
in a mulberry suit, that ere Job Trot- 
ter *s him.** 

"It is very true, sir," said Mr. 
Pickwick, replying to the magistrate's 
look of amazement ; " my only busi- 
ness in this town, is to expose the 
person of whom we now speak." 

Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour 



THE PICRWICK CLUB. 



205. 



into the horror-stricken ear of Mr. 
Nupkins, an abridged account of 
Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He related 
how he had first met him ; how he 
had eloped with Miss Wardle ; how 
he had cheerfully resigned the lady 
for a pecuniary consideration ; how he 
had entrapped him into a lady's board- 
ing-school at midnight; and how he 
(Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to 
expose his assumption of his present 
name and rank. 

As the narrative proceeded, all the 
warm blood in the body of Mr. Nup- 
kins tingled up into the very tips of 
his ears. He had picked up the cap- 
tain at a neighbouring race-course. 
Charmed with his long list of aristo- 
cratic acquaintance, his extensive 
travel, and his fashionable demeanour, 
Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had 
exhibited Captain Fitz-MarshaU, and 
quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and 
hurled Captain Fitz-Marshall at the 
devoted heads of their select circle of 
acquaintance, until their bosom friends, 
Mrs. Porkenham and the Miss Pork- 
enhams, and Mr. Sidney Porkenham, 
were ready to burst with jealousy and 
despair. And now, to hear, after all, 
that he was a needy adventurer, a 
strolling player, and if not a swindler, 
something so very Kke it, that it was 
hard to tell the ^(Terence ! Heavens ! 
what would the Porkenhams say 1 
What would be the triumph of Mr. 
Sidney Porkenham when he found that 
his addresses had been slighted for such 
a rival ! How should he, Nupkins, meet 
the eye of old Porkenham at the 
> next Quarter Sessions ! And what a 
handle would it be for the opposition 
magisterial party, if the story got 
abroad ! 

5« But after all," said Mr. Nupkins, 
brightening for a moment, after a 
long pause ; '^ after all, this is a mere 
statement. Captain Fitz-Marshall is 
a man of very engaging manners, 
and, .1 dare say, has many enemies. 
What proof have you, of the truth of 
these representations ! " 

'* Cdbfront me with him," said Mr. 
Pickwick, << that is all I ask, and aU I 
require. Confront him with me, and 



my friends here ; you will want no 
further proof." 

"Why," said Mr. Nupkins, «timt 
might be very easily done, for he will 
be here to-night, and then there would 
be no occasion to make the matter 
pubUc, just — just — for the young 
man's own sake, you know. I — I — 
should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on 
the propriety of the step, in the first 
instance, though. At all events, Mr. 
Pickwick, we must despatch this legal 
business before we can do anything else. 
Pray step back into the next room." 

.Into the next room they went. 

<* Grummer," said the magistrate, 
in an awful voice. 

" Your wash-up," replied Grummer, 
with the smile of a favourite. 

" Come, come, sir," said the magis- 
trate, sternly, '^ don't let me see any of 
this levity here. It is very unbecom- 
ing, and I can assure you that you 
have very littie to smile at. Was the 
account you gave me just now, strictly 
true ? Now be careful, sir." 

" Your wash-up," stammered Grum- 
mer," I—" 

« Oh, you are confused, are you 1 " 
said the magistrate. " Mr. Jinks, you 
observe this confusion ? " 

" Certainly, sir," replied Jinks. 

'* Now," said the magistrate, " just 
repeat your statement, Grummer, and 
again I warn you to be carefuL Mr. 
Jinks, take his words down." 

The unfortunate Grummer pro- 
ceeded to re-state his complaint, but, 
yhat between Mr. Jinks's taking down 
his words, and the magistrate's taking 
them up.: his natuial tendency to 
rambling, and his extreme confusion : 
he managed to get involved, in some- 
thing under three minutes, in such a 
mass of entanglement and contradic- 
tion, that Mr. Nupkins at once declared 
he didn't believe him. So, the fines 
were remitted, and Mr. Jinks found a 
couple of bail in no time. And all 
these solemn proceedings having been 
satisfactorify concluded, Mr. Grummer 
was ignominiously ordered out — an 
awful instance of the instability of 
human greatness, and the uncertain 
tenure of great meb's favour. 



306 



POSTHUMOUS PAP£RS OF 



Mn. Napkins wms a nuijestie female 
in a pink gauze turban and a Hght 
brown wig. Bfies Nupkins poflBeseed 
all her manuna's hanghtineBe witiumt 
the turban, and all her illHutnre with- 
oat tiie wig ; and whenever the exurdae 
of these two amiable qualities invoWed 
moUierand daughter in some unplea- 
sant dilemma, as thejnot onfinequenily 
did, they both ooneurred in laying the 
blame on the shoulden of Mr. rfnp- 
kins. Aoeordinffly, when Mr. Nnp^ 
kins sought BiIis. Nupkins, and detailed 
the oomraunication whidi had been 
made by Mr. Piek^ck, Mrs. Nupkins 
sadden]^ recollected that she had 
always expected somethmg of the kind; 
that she had always said it would be 
so ; that her advice was neter taken ; 
that she really did not know what Mr. 
Nupkins supposed she was; and so 

^The idea!'' said Miss Nopkkis, 
forcing a tear of very scanty propor- 
tions, into the comer of- eacn eye, 
^ the idea of my being made such a 
fodof!'' 

** Ah 1 you may thank yoor papa, 
my dear,'' said Mrs. Nnpldns ; ** how 
have I impl(«ed and begged that man 
to inquire into the Captain's family 
connections; how have I urged and 
entreated him to take some decisiye 
step ! I am quite certain nobody 
would believe it—quite." 

'< But, ray dear," said Mr. Nupkins. 

<< Don*t talk to me, you aggravating 
thing, don'tr' said Mrs. Nupkins. 

** My love," said Mr. Nupkins, **you 
professed yourself very fond of Cap- 
tain Fitz-MarshaU. You have con- 
stantly asked him here, my dear, and 
you have lost no opportunity of intro- 
ducing him elsewhere." 

«< Didn't I say so, Henrietta 1 " cried 
Mrs. Nupkins, appealingto her daughter 
with the air of a much-injured fraiale. 
^ Didn't I say that your papa would 
torn round, and lay all this at my 
door t Didn^t I say so 1 " Here Mrs. 
Nupkins sobbed. 

<< Ohpa I " remonstrated Miss Nup- 
kina And here she sobbed too. 

''Isn't it too much, when he has 
brought all this disgrace and ridiede 



upon US) to taunt me with being 
the eanse of it!" exclaimed Mrs. 
Napkins. 

*' How can we ever show o ur selves 
in society ! " said Miss Nutans. 

^How can we fiiee the Porkes* 
bams ! '^ cried Mrs. Nupkins^ 

«0r the Griggi^t" cried Miss 
Nupkins. 

<< Or the Slumnuntowkens ! ** cried 
Bilrs. Napkins. ** But what does your 
papa care ! What is it to him/** At 
this dreadful reflection, Bits. Nupkins 
wept with mental anguish, and Miss 
Nupkins foHowed on the same side. 

Mrs. Nupkins's tears eontiniied to 
gush forft, with great velocity) antU 
she had gained a little tune to think 
the matter over : when she decided, in 
her own mind, that the best ^ung to 
do, woidd be to ask Mr. Pickwick 'and 
his firiends to remain until the Cm- 
tain'S' arrival, and then to give lux. 
Pickwick the opportunity he sought. 
If it appeared that he had spoKen 
truly, the Captain ooidd be tamed <mt 
of the house withoat noising the mat- 
ter abroad, and they crald easily 
account to the Porkenhams for his 
disappeanuiee, by saying that he had 
been appointed, through the Court 
influence of his family, to the Go- 
vemor^Generalship of Sierra Leone, 
or Saugur Point, or any otiier of 
those sahibrioos climat<ftw which en- 
chant Europeans so much, that, when 
they once get there, they can hardly 
ever prevail upon themselves to come 
back again. 

When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her 
tears, Miss Nupkms dried up her\ 
and Mr. Nupkms was very glad to 
settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkms had 
proposed. So, Mr. Pickwick and his 
nriends, baring washed off all marks 
of their late encounter, were intro- 
duced to the ladies, and soon aller- 
wards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, 
whom the magistrate with his pecidiar 
sagacity, had discovered in half an 
hour to be one of the finest feOows 
alive, was consigned to the care and 
guardianship of Mr. Muzxle, who was 
specially enjoined to take hhn below, 
Slid make much of him. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



207 



«How de do, sir!^' said Mr. Muz- 
zle, as he c<mdacted Mr. Weller down 
the kitdien stairs. 

** Why, no eon-siderable diange has 
taken -place in the state of my system, 
since I seejov ooeked up behind your 
governor's chasr m the pudonr, a little 
▼ile ago," r^Hed Sam. 

^You win excnse my not takmg 
more notice of yon then," said Mr. 
Mnzsle. ^Yon see, master hadn*t 
introdneed ns, then. Lord, how fond 
he is of yon, Mr. Weller, to be 
fBire !" 

^ Ah," said Sam, *< what a pleasant 
chap he is ! ** 

« AinH he 1 " rej^ed Mr. Muzzle. 

'^ So mndl hnmonr," sud Sam. 

** And sach a man to speak," said 
Mr. Mnzzle. ^How his ideas flow, 
don't they!" 

« Wonderftil," replied Sam ; « thev 
comes a ponring out, knocking each 
other's heads so &8t, that Ihey seems 
to ston one another ; you hardly know 
what he 's arter, do you 1 " 

^That's the great merit of his style 
of speaking," rejoined Mr. Muzzle. 
"^Take care of the last step, Mr. 
Weller. Would you like to wash 
jomr hands, mr, before we join Ihe 
ladies t Here 's asink, with the water 
laid on, sir, and a clean jack towel 
tiehind the do(v." 

^ Ah I Perhaps I may as wel have a 
rinse," replied Mr. Weller, applying 
plenty of yellow soap to the towel, and 
robbing away, till his face shone again. 
** How many ladies are there ) " 

'^Qnly two in our kitchen," said 
Mr; Mnzzle, ^cook and 'ousenmid. 
We keep a boy to do the dirty work, 
and a gal besides, bat ^ey dine in the 
wasbus." 

'^ Oh, they dines in the washus, do 
fliey t " said Mr. Weller. 

«Yes," replied Mr. Muzzle, «we 
tried *em at our table when they flzst 
come, but we couldn't keep 'em. The 
sal's manners is dreadful vulgar ; and 
&e boy breathes so reir hia*d while 
he 's eatmg, tiiat we found it impossible 
to sit at table with him." 
** Young grampus 1 " said Mr. Weller. 

^' Oh, dreadful," rejoined Mr. Miz- 



zle ; ^but that is the worst of eoontry 
service, Mr. Weller; the jmuors is 
always so very savage. This way^sir^ 
if you please— this way." 

Preceding Mr. Wellop, with the 
utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle con- 
ducted him into the kitchen. 

<'Mary," said Mr. Muzzle to the 
pretty servant-giri, "this is Mr. 
Weller: a gentleman as master htm 
sent down, to be made as comfortable 
as possible." 

''And yonr master's a knowin' 
hand, and has just sent me to the 
right place," said Mr. Wdler, with a 
glance of admiration at Mary. ''If I 
wos master o' this here honse, I dioold 
alvaysflnd the materiab for comfort 
vere Mary wos." 

"Lor, Mr. WeD« !*' said Mary, 
bluslung. 

"Well, I never!" ejaculated the 
cook. 

"Bless me, cook, I foreok yon," 
said Mr. Muzzle. " Mr. WdOier, let 
me introduce you." 

"How are yon, ma'am," said Mr. 
Weller. " Wery glad to see you, in- 
deed, and hope our acquaintance may 
be a long 'un, as Ihe gen'fan^n said to 
the fi* pun' note." 

When tins ceremony of introduction 
had been gone through, the cook and 
Mary retirod into the back kitchen to 
titter for t^a minutes ; then return- 
ing^ all giggles and blndies, they sat 
down to dinner. 

Mr. Weller's eai^ manner and con- 
versational powers had such irresist- 
ible influence with his new friends, that 
before the dinner was half over, they 
were on a footing of perfect intimacy, 
and in possession of a fuH account of 
the definquency of Job Trotter. 

"I never ooM a-bear that Job," said 
Manr. 

" No more yon never ought to, my 
dear," replied Mr. Weller. 

"Why not!" inquired Mary. 

"Cos ugliness and svindlin' never 
ought to be formiliar vith elegance and 
wirtew," repfied Mr. Weller. "Ought 
they, Mr. Mnzzle 1 " 

" Not by no means^" replied that 
gentleman* 



208 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



Here Mazy laughed, and said the 
cook had made her ; and the cook 
laughed, and said she hadn't 

« I han't ^ot a glass," said Mary. 

^ Drink with me, mv dear," said Mr. 
Weller. " Put your lips to this here 
tumbler, and then I can kiss you by 
deputy.'* 

« For shame, Mr. Weller V said 
Mary. 

« What 's a shame, my dear ! " 

« Talkin' in that way." 

** Nonsense ; it ain't no harm. It's 
natur ; ain't i<^ cook ! " 

'* Don't ask me imperence," replied 
the cook, in a high state of delight : 
and hereupon the cook and Mary 
laughed again, till what between the 
beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter 
combined, the latter young lady was 
brought to the verge of choking — an 
alarming orisis from which she was 
only recovered by sundry pats on the 
back, and other necessary attentions, 
most delicately administered by Mr. 
Samuel Weller. 

In the midst of all this jollity and 
conviviality, a loud ring was heard at 
the earden-gate : to which the young 
genUeman who took his meals in the 
wash-house, immediately responded. 
Mr. Weller was in the height of his 
attentions to the pretty house<maid ; 
Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the honours 
of the table ; and the cook had just 
paused to laugh, in the very act of 
raising a huge morsel to her lips ; when 
the kitchen-door opened, and in walked 
Mr. Job Trotter. 

We have said in walked Mr. Job 
Trotter, but the statement is not distin- 
guished b^ our usual scrupulous adher- 
ence to tact. The door opened, and 
Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have 
walked in, and was in the very act of 
doing so, indeed, when catching sight of 
Mr. Weller, he involuntarily shnmk 
back a pace or two, and stood gazing 
on the unexpected scene before him, 
perfectly motionless with amazement 
and terror. 

" Here he is I" said Sam, rising with 
great glee. " Why we were that wery 
moment a speaking o' you. How are 
you! Were Xoiw you been! Come in." 



' Laying his hand on the mulberry 
collar ox the unresisting Job, Mr. 
Weller dragged him into the kitchen ; 
and, locking the door, handed the key 
to Mr. Muzzle, who very cooUy but- 
toned it up, in a side-pocket. 

" Well, here 's a game !" cried Sam. 
" Only tUnk o* my master havin* the 
pleasure o' meeting your'n, up stairs, 
and me havin' the joy o' meetin' you 
down here. How are you gettin' on, 
and how U the chandlery bis'ness likely 
to do ! Wei, I am so glad to see you. 
How happy you look. It's quite a 
treat to see you ; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle 1 " 

** Quite," said Mr. Muzzle. 

^ So cheerful he is I" said Sam. 

<< In such good spirits," said Muzzle. 

<< And so glad to see tw — ^that makes 
it so much more comfortable," said 
Sam. ** Sit down ; sit down." 

Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be 
forced into a chair by the fireside. He 
cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, 
and then on Mr. Muzzle, but said 
nothing. 

** Wei, now," said Sam, ** afore 
these here ladies, I should jest like to ask 
you, as a sort of curiosity, wether you 
don't con-sider yourself as nice and 
well-behaved a young gen'lm'n, as ever 
used a pink check pocket-handkerchief, 
and the number four collection ! " • 

^ And as was ever a-going to l^e mar- 
ried to a cook," said that lady, indig- 
nantly, "Thewillin I" 

" And leave off his evil ways, and 
set up in the chandlery line, arter- 
wards," said the house-maid. 

^' Now, I '11 tell you what it is, young 
man," said Mr. Muzzle, solemnly, en- 
raged at the last two allusions, '* this 
here lady (pointing to the cook) keeps 
company with me ; and when you pre- 
sume, sur, to talk of keeping chandlers' 
shops widi her, you injure me in one of 
the most delicatest points in which one 
man can injure another. Do you 
understand me, sir ! " 

Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great 
notion of his eloquence, in which he 
imitated his master, paused for a reply. 

But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So 
Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemn 
manner: 



THE PICKWICK club; 



^ft 



''It's veiy probable, iSr, tliftt you 
won't be wanted op stain for seyeral 
minutes, nr, because my master is at 
this moment particularly engaged in 
settling the haish of pouar ma^er, sir ; 
and therefore yon *11 have leisure, sir, 
for a little private talk with me, sir. 
Do vou understand me, rir t " 

Mr. Muzzle again paused for a 
reply ; and again Mr. Trotter disap- 
pomted him. 

«WeU, then," said Mr. Muzzle, 
<<I'm very sorry to have to explain 
myself before ladies, but the urgency 
of the case will be my excuse. The 
back kitchen's empty, sir. If you 
will step in there, nr, Mr. Weller will 
see fair, and we can have mutual satis- 
fis^on 'till the bell rings. Follow me, 
sir!" 

As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, 
he took a step or two towards the door ; 
and by way of saving time, began to 
pull off his coat as he walked along. 

Now, the cook no sooner heard the 
concluding words of this desperate 
challenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about 
to put it into execution, than she ut- 
tered a loud and piercing shriek, and 
rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who rose 
from Ins chair on the instant, tore and 
buffeted his large flat face, with an 
euergy peculiar, to excited females, and 
twiniDg her hands in his long black 
hair, tore therefrom about enough to 
make five or ax dozen of the very 
largest-nzed mourning-rings. Having 
arccomplished this feat with ' all the 
ardour which her devoted love for Mr. 
Muzzle inspired, she staggered back ; 
and being a lady of very excitable and 
delicate feelings, instantly fell under 
the dresser, and fainted away. 

At this moment, the bell rang. 

<* That 's for you. Job Trotter," said 
Sam; and before Mr. Trotter could 
offer remonstrance or reply — even be- 
fore he had time to stanch the wounds 
inflicted by the insensible lady — Sam 
seized one arm and Mr. Muzzle the 
other ; and one puUing before, and the 
other pushing behind, they conveyed 
him up stairs, and into the parlour. 

It was an impressive tableau. Alfred 
Jingle, Esquire, alias Captain Fitz- 

No. U. 



MaTshall, was standing near the door 
with his hat in his hand, and a smile 
on his fkce, wholly unmoved by his 
very unpleasant situation. Coufrontine 
him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who had 
evidently been inculcating some high 
moral lesson; for his Mt hand was 
beneath his coat tail, and his right 
extended in air, as was his wont when 
delivering himself of an impressive 
address. At a little distance^ stood 
Mr. Tupman with indignant counter- 
nance, carefully held back by his two 
younger friends; at the further end 
of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. 
Nupkins, and Miss Nupkins, gloomily 
grand, and savagely vexed. 

<*What prevents me," said Mr. 
Nupkins, with magisterial dignity, as 
Job was brought in : ^ what prevents 
me from detaining these men as rogues 
and impostors 1 It is a foolish mercy. 
What prevents me 1 " 

^Pnde, old fellow, pride," replied 
Jingle, quite at his ease. ** Wouldn't 
do-— no go— caught a captain, eh I — 
ha I ha t very good — husband for 
daughter — ^bitev bit — ^nuike it public — 
not for worlds — ^look stupid — very ! " 

^ Wretch," said Mrs. Nupkins, ** we 
scorn your base insinuations." 

'< I always hated him," added 
Henrietta. 

<« Oh, of course," said Jingle. «TaU 
young man — old lover — Sidney Pork- 
enham — rich — fine fellow — not so 
rich as captain, though ! — ^tum him 
away — off with him — anything for 
captain — nothing like captain any- 
where— all the girls— raving mad — en, 
JobI" 

Here Mr. Jingle laughed very 
heartily ; and Job, rubbing his hands 
with del^ht, uttered the firat sound he 
had given vent to, nnce he entered the 
house — a low noiseless chuckle, which 
seemed to intimate that he enjoyed his 
laugh too much, to let any of it escape 
in sound. 

^ Mr. Nupkins," said the elder lady, 
^ this is not a fit conversation for the 
servants to overhear. Let these 
wretehes be removed." 

<* Certainly, my dear," said Mr 
Nupkins. « Muzzle I" 

p 



OF 



^Opeiir4h»£r«AiidbaK 



>» 



Un, <ifwriiig'iiiBilMUid joa^haltellyi; 
•Jbi§l» unilid^nMki nwpidv tow— it 

^fitagri ! ** Mid (Mr. Fitk«itel& 
Jingto'g t iipy od; 

iriBMAriMnfa gfMitor'T0««ng»foprthft 
iHHidiV.aiid tiwl ct yowBt li l ywi l ii iwd 

Job TMl»'*Vow«d>>wiliv> grcMit po^ 
mflMMy and- laid M»< hMHl iipoii: us 
ii6Brt. 

« I m^Md lin- Ftekwikik^ giDw- 
lag; gxmcktaUgr «igxfy.'<'tluit I. migk)t 
MPO tyLMi ft 2xiMlerrMPv«ig«)> bub' I 
vommt* iii|f«elr withi exposiug^ ym^ 
n^loh I- consider ft dttl^'Iiowe to 
Bociety. This is b ladMognr sn^ v^di 
I bop^ y<m"wUl tfanw&bw.'V 

men Mr. Ftekwiok^ •JdfiwL«fe.«l& 
poin^' #«b Trotltor^ witb> faeHaoas 
irftT%| appfited>hiBthiBa«i>tD hi»«av, as 
tf d«rixoiisiiot<to^ losH'ft' syUadbl*' he 
unonNi* 

<'ABd Iihsra'^iiily^a^add^ sir/' said 
Mr. Piokwiel^ iwar- tfa u a— ghi y^aagty^ 
^HM I oooiiderTea* a mseftH. and'ar— 
ft mffian — and— and worse *tllatt'Bi^ 
man I '0V«r MMMr«or'lMWft«f|eKcept 
Hm piofW-and-lMMe ti tt d T Sfflfc oad ' hi 
tfee nralberry lireiyir 

«•!& I ha !'''MSd^Jifllgllly<»^0od>fel£ 
wfWy fFfbHiplsk*i~flMi hssjpt— ^slonk.'' old 
bcn»^hli«'oia8t 9ia» b^ipasBionato^had 
dmig^ ▼«t7^hyo^'b70«-'H»e*7onv«gain 
some day — ^keep up your spirits — 'mM^^ 
It^S^trotr ■"•■'■ 

With these tv'evdsj'Mr. Jlngl«*«Mieb 
«B hiahat Itr iSb» oldiHaMeBy a&d bttodti 
Ottt of the' room. Jbh TMte«rpa«8ed^ 
keted iwind; sraiied^^ and then-wilh- a 
btftFof vsock' soli^Bmit^i» Wt: Pi<^B 
iiM> and a wink"te ]»&/ WeHihv the 
audacious slyness of which, bailte' aff 
dttMription, fbllbFireil tiie sibotsldps of 
Itf^hepeliBd maalerr 

'««gani,*''said Mi*.>I%kT4ek^ arMh 
Weller was followiinr. 
- ♦«Sir*« 

* Stay here.'»" . ' 



Mit-^Wellir mmaUtivoBaitiMijJ '' 
«*fl«ay>ha]»^r>M|wrtadlfn>'PhflBMnok 
'•^Maya^td polirii 4ai cm JiMyofl^ 
fai ^km'iBm/L gptad«ni**aaidMaR' WeHoM 
<*OBiteiDiy< not.'^ zspliad Mb; &^ 

<<MBynH^I kUt fafaaront oS^iUe«flleL 

sff 1" said Mr. JWeUflK 
^ Not - on any' MeaaBt,'^ yeplisd^liis 



For the first time since iiia enga^ 
lan^ Jir. 1IVbIlevtooked^<f»r a> oiement, 
dlaoOBteoted'and mteipyt Bttt h^ 
CMtanaaoe Immadihlsiy deared^tipi^ 
ftvL the wily Mfr. Mttozle^ bytMinoeatiAg 
hinself behhid Um' street' dkMir, aal 
raafafaig- Tioteuilf oBtj at ih»" right 
iaatBDl^ ooHlrinred with* greai^daorte^ 
t»(<MreBrt«*n hotkilfav Jiagls' attd^hi^ 
attendant, down the flight of stepa^ 
inta-the Aaeriaaii«lMi4ai« thht ateod 

iMMfttk 

^Hamoff fibftened mytdntfj sfa^*^ 
said M». Biokwiek to Mr. N^pkifl^ 
'^l wm, with^my fMend% bidyott'lfire- 
welh WhUe^ we* thaafe yon- fto* weh 
boapitaUtyiaB we hato^reoeiiredy pemit 
me te aasase yony mr<rar joint namM^ 
thMt we^houMtiot'haveaoeeptedi^'o^ 
hawBeonsented to>exAiiuoie> mii obV$ ub4a 
tMi w«7, fipom< onr previoaB' dHknims^ 
had'MMeoiot been impelled 'by a string 
asHM' o#< duty.' We-relatt ti>. Loi^ 
do» ' t0i«MrT0w; ¥otB*> seoret-is* 'BhTI 
mthrnsj** 

' Haidng thv entered' his' pf<ot«Bt 
Mainst their treatfenentiof Ihe-ttemfegv 
m. Fiiskwiok bowed low t9'^ti»iASAM* 
and notwRhstandkig the solibitatioai 
of the foodlm left' 3ie monrw^th' lis 

«Qe*'youF"h«*i Stan^^'BtAA* Mi*; 
Pickwick. 

^'UfB below Btainry afrj^said Sttm, 
aB# he van dews aiier ifc' 

TVbWj there was nobody* in the 
l^tclifen, but the ' pretty htoNne^maiff i 
and' as 'Sam's- hMcwas ndslMdj he had 
tfr'look- for it; and the pretty hoascM 
maid lighted him. The^ad to tebk 
adl* oter- the place for lUehtot: Thnt 
pretty house<4naid; in^ har'axBdety*^ 
find 'it;- went down on* her^kheesj «i4 
tamed over'tdl th&iffiiig8tiiM"vifere 
heaped^ ioii;iteritt'« ^Bm'^^ram^ 



raEB-PNcrwiDRTauEau- 1 



tiif 



IfoiKoeiikb^gatJiliilmthgnl; ohatrtig 

<< Here it m^rwmk.^mft&Uiy^hmam 
iMid^ «TUB»iiV«iiftit4r 

<«Ii8«<iiittloQk$!^ andfam: 

TbB. iMttjthMMMMud: liad^ ito«d 
the caniABrioartiiKiflDMrt; M itsgarora 
'verj dim'iig^ iObimi wi obliged to.'^i 
dowifm ift 1 1 ' ImiMii bafoie hB.«0tilat4Ba 
¥4MdMB*itTMilyimMPlBi emnha* cv 
not. ifer wa>*iPJWniMt iWy HDAUiOoi^ 
ner, and so— it wbs nobod/s iiMik^Mii* 

and the pretty hoxu^iamd.'vmniMtmB' 
flBVilf YiBytciai^ tt gaft h w h 

<< Ye8» this 18 iV ftaii^'SMii. «eoal 

« Q0Qd.l](j«ir «iidteiprettydiMi&* 
maid. 

<< €k>od.by»t " Midi Staa ;. MMLanhe 
said it^Jitt dnffak'.ikm Im^. tfnt.had 

^ How awkwaiid ymnwa^' Mid-tba 
pretty. Awwai—ifli. <»-l&Dit'il kia it 



sbeiiuitit QBrfiOrliiiik. ... 

Wiiathcr it waa tlMi- Hm^ ^NDSttir 
haaafi maMViye loahad.iirattia»gliM| 
when it was raised towaifla*SacB*«y/at 
whfetfaam it. waif tbe mabksiiii^> t0me- 
quenoe of their Wng so near tokieailll 
otbair, jtf<na4torol: imesafaihtystg this 
dafi; . bn*. San ldaaadJMr« 

^Yoa. 4tMt nnati to.' my^ yon .dfd 
that on a my aa »? aaidt|hafntaBity>baaaa>' 

<^No) Ldidn'titlw^r aaidfiain4.«<M 
IwiU'iww/' 

.So ftaJdaiad het again*. 

<« Sam 1 " said Mr. Pickwick,'«ilUl« 
o»«R tba baairfslenk. 



^Ramlm yon hiw» immV* aud 
Jbbl iBiekwiak* 

<<Xberai waa aoMetbia^ MtimLtfaa 
daaiv sgy wiiith \\9tm aniadiwr<yttia|fiit 
opans^te eaeivao longjanr/.' npSadiSlia^ 

And tbia maa/ the iratpaawg^wf 
Mr. Waller's first Icrra* 



* . 



•7 



OHagPTBIT XXVI. 



<taBHafr- ^ iB jnw rtty.'»auT aiwomwr w obtt 



■HAym^/aPOftna p lia b fd ;the main .and 

Mid ch^fc^iif hmAfmrpeigSf^hff ^* ^^ 
po8nryoi»IiiBg}ejiMr» Bickwackjaaolvad 
4>n . iawncidytafe»yBtqrning. to. ItfmdoBL 
writh.tbe«i1Wii^>baiMiptlag a^wfflain^ 

witli tba»yia og>a l iyiy > which ■ h a d ■ bean 
*t^i*Mn mtr^tnmt !»«■■» i n ihA « *««^^^ tinoa. 

by: Mtmrn,,J>sf^mMa^S9g^. Actiag 
'^ffffi "ibia .nBaoiatiflii witlvaUtua anaifly 
and daoiaiiDii* .pf bob dbaroctea^ he 
mounted to 4ba iMMck.aeat.«f the fiait 
fioaob whiif!h»1aft Isanviah^im tha morn- 
ing after the memorable occnrre^cea 
dataiMa^|«i|g4u^.tbartw9 minding 
chapteBEL,^ nmi aooDirngpnied. kf, his 

three ^*^«*^^ nm^ Afg- ft^Mial WiallAW 

amvad,4Pit^a flafitiop|[4i|ii(ip ](»f^ 

H wfij, tbfi .frifwiwSiJBpr ^ ffHoft , tup^ 
aenaratad.. .MaasAb T|iBin*B* \Kinkla. 



on-nn vanriM' or' 



and Snodgrass repaured to their^fiareral 
bMsea-to nalMt-sueb pv^aratianst as 
nu^t ba req^iiate for.theu; Sotthicoiiir 
ing visit tb Dingley Deli; and Jdix 
JBickwick. jmd Sam toak, np. theti^ pre- 
saii* abode yat vei;y,gdQd, otdifaahwyd^ 
and wmiinrtaMe qnartww :..to wit».ti» 
Gao^ga,and7yultQ]aB Tamamand- Hot% 
Geoxga YArd,>.TiombaTd.Stfept. 
. Mv. Pickwidb had. dinad^^ finishad 
his saoond unt of partiaular posi^ 
pulled lik'nIk.baiidkerofai4f'^^hja 
hau^iBiiiv.lpa feat on . tha . ^ida^. jmd 
tbaowQiJumaslf backin aoieatw'. cbauL 
whan tha jeiiteaii4sa(o£ Jill;* iWelMradln 
bia-i^arpfi^bafr.aroiiaedi him owm-J&ia 

« Ssni^V'aaidMs^.Piakwiok^ 
««.Sir,'/ awdMr. WveUaB., 
^ I. iuuroi Inst haani i>«^»^^^« .<Uiw»> 

f2 



1212 



POSTHUMOUS PAPE3U3 OF 



«aidMr.Piekwick,«tliAt, having left a 
good many things at Mn. Ba^ell's, 
m Goflwdl Stre^ I ousht to arrange 
for takine them away, before I leave 
town again." 

«Weiy good, Bir,»» replied Mr. 
WeOer. 

^l oonid send them to Mr. Tap- 
man's, for the present, Sam/' continued 
Mr. Pickwick, << but, before we take 
them awav,it is necessary that they 
diould be looked up, and put tmther. 
I wish you would step up to Goswell 
Street, Sam, and arrange about it." 

'<At once, sir!**^ inquired Bfr. 
WeUer. 

« At once," replied Mr. Pickwick. 
<*And stay, Sam," added Mr. Pick- 
wick, pullmg out his purse, ** There is 
some rent to pay. The quarter is not 
due till Christmas, but you may pay 
it, and have done with it. A month*s 
notice terminates my tenancy. Here 
it is, written out. Give it, and tell 
Mrs. Bardell she may put a bill up, as 
soon as she likes." 

<<Weiy good, sir," replied Bfr. 
Waller ; " anytlun* more, sir 1 " 

<< Nothing more, Sam." 

Mr. WeUer stepped slowly to the 
door, as if he expected somethinff 
more ; slowly opened it, slowly stepped 
out, and had slowly closed it within a 
couple of inches, when Mr. Pickwick 
called out, 

«Sam." 

<< Sir/' said Mr. Weller, stepping 
quickly back, and closing the door 
behind him. 

'* I have no objection, Sam, to your 
endeavouring to ascertain how Mrs. 
Bardell herself seems disposed towards 
me, and whether it is really probable 
that this vile and groundless action is to 
be carried to extremity. I say I do not 
object to your doing this, if you widi 
it, Sam," said Mr. Pickwick. 

Sam save a short nod of intelligenoe, 
and len the room. Mr. Pickwick 
drew the silk handkerdiief once more 
over his head, and composed himself 
for a nap. Mr. Weller promptiy walked 
forth, ta execute his comnuseion. 
,, It was nearly nine o'clock when he 
reached Goswdl Street A oonjde of 



oandles were boming in the little front- 
parloar, and a couple of caps were 
reflected on the window-blind. Mrs. 
Bardell hatl got company. 

Mr. Wdler knocked at the door, and* 
after a pretty lone interval — occupied 
by the party wiuont, in whisUing a 
tune, and by the party within, in per- 
suading a refractory flat candle to 
allow Itself to be lighted— a pair ol 
small boots pattered over the floor- 
doth, and Master Bardell presented 
himself. 

<* Welly young townskip," said Sam, 
<< how 'smother!" 

*< She 's pretty well," replied Master 
Bardell, « so am L" 

<< Well, that 's a mercy," said Sam ; 
^tell her I want to speak to her, will 
you my hin&nt femomenon 1 " 

Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed 
the refractory flat candle on the bottom 
stair, and vanished into the front par- 
lour with his message. 

The two caps, r^ected on the win- 
dow-blind, were the respective head, 
dresses of a couple of Mrs. Bardell's 
most particular acquaintance, who had 
just stepped in, to have a quiet cup of 
tea» and a little warm supper of a couple 
of sets of pettitoes and some toasted 
cheese. The cheese .was simmering 
and browning away, most delightfiiHy, 
in a tittie Dutch oven before ue fire ; 
and the pettitoes were getting on deli- 
ciously in a littie tin saucepan on the 
hob ; and Mrs. Bardell and her twa 
friends were getting on very well, also, 
in a littie quiet conversation about and 
concerning all tiieir particular friends 
and acquaintance; whea Master Bar- 
dell came back from answering the 
door, and delivered the message in- 
trusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller. 

«Mr. Pickwick's servant!" said 
lilrs. Bardell, turning pale. 

^Bless my Boull" said Mrs. Qup- 
pins. 

<* Well, I raly would not ha' believed 
it, unless I had ha* happened to ha' 
been here I *' said Mrs. Sanders. 

Mrs. Cluppins was a littie brisk, 
busy-looking woman ; and Mrs. Sanders 
was a big, nt, heavy-fisced personage ; 
and the two were the company. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



21S 



• Mrs. BftrdeH felt it proper to be 
agitated; and as none of the three 
exactly knew whether, under existing 
circuTustanoesy any communication, 
otherwise than through Dodson and 
Fogg, ought to be held with Mr. Pick- 
wick's servant, they were all rather 
taken by surprise. In this state of 
Indecision, obviouslv the first thing to 
be done, was to thump the boy for 
finding Mr. Weller at the door. So 
his mother thumped him, and he cried 
melodiously. 

** Hold your noiBe— do— you naughty 
ereeturl*' said Mrs. BardelL 

** Yes ; don't worrit your poor mo- 
ther," said Mrs. Sanders. 

" She 's quite enough to worrit her, 
as It is, without you. Tommy," said 
Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathising remg- 
nation. 

- <' Ah ! worse luck, poor lamb I " 
said Mrs. Sanders. 

At all which moral reflections, Mas- 
ter Bardell howled the louder. 

** Now, vrhhtikaU I do 1 '* said Mrs. 
Bardell to Mrs. Cluppins. 

" I think you ought to see him," re- 
plied Mrs. Cluppins. ** But on no 
account without a witness." ■ 

"/ think two witnesses would be 
more lawful," said Mrs. Sanders, who, 
like the other friend, was bursting with 
curiosity. 

' ** Perhaps, he'd better come in here,^ 
said Mrs. Bardell. 

<< To be sure," replied Mrs. Clup- 
pins, eagerly catching at the idea : 
** Walk in, young man ; and shut the 
street door first, please." 

Mr. Weller immediately took the 
hint ; and presenting himself in the 
parlour, expLuned his business to Mrs. 
bardell, thus : 

** Werjr sorry to 'casion any personal 
inconwenience, ma'am, as me house- 
breaker said to the old lady when he 
put her on the fire ; but as me and my 
governor 's only jest come to town, and 
is jest going away agin, it can't be 
helped you see." 

^ Of course, the young man can't 
help the faults of his master," said 
Mrs. Ouppins, much struck by Mr. 
Weller's appearance and conversation. 



^Certainly not,** chimed in Mrs. 
Sanders, who, from certain wistful 
glances at the little tin sauce-pan, 
seemed to be engaged in a mental cal- 
culation of the probable extent of the 
pettitoes, in the oTont of Sam's being 
asked to stop supper. 

^ So all I Ve come about, is just this 
here," said Sam, disregarding the in- 
terruption ; ** First, to give my goveiv 
nor's notice — ^there it is. Secondly, to 
pay the rent — ^here it is. Thirdly, to 
say as all his things is to be put tog&> 
ther, and nve to anybody as we sends 
for'enL Fourthly, that you may let 
the place as soon as you like— and 
that's all." 

** Whatever has happened," said 
Mrs. Bardell, '' I always have said, and 
always will say, that m eyery respect 
but one, Mr. Pickwick has always be- 
haved himself like a perfect gentieman. 
His money always was as good as the 
bank: always." 

As Mrs. Bardell said this, she ap- 
plied her handkerchief to her eyes, 
and went out of the room to get the 
receipt. 

Sam well knew that he had only to 
remain quiet, and the women were 
sure to talk ; so he looked alternately 
at the tin saucepan, the toasted cheese, 
the wall, and the ceiling, in profound 
silence. 

''Poor dear I" said Mrs. Cluppins. 

''Ah, poor thing!" replied Mrs. 
Sanders. 

Sam said nothhig. He saw they 
were coming to the subject. 

"I raly cannot contain myself," said 
Mrs. Cluppins, " when I thmk of such 
pezjury« I don't wish to say anything 
to make you uncomfortable, young 
man, but your master 's an old brute, 
and I wish I had him here to tell him 



» 



so. 

" I wish you had," said Sam. 

" To see how dreadful she takes on, 
going moping about, and taking no 
pleasure in nothing, except when her 
friends comes in, out of charity, to sit 
with her, and make her comfortable," 
resumed Mrs. Cluppins, glancing at the 
tin saucepan and ue Dutch oven, " it 's 
shocking I " 



814 



poBiHUMoni jgsamB iof 




I A 



** nid 
rtnr,yoaiiK 
wUh BMMBy,iaB amid 
lta» •KpeiK •£ .& twile, .n* .iiu»s 
Hmd notfaiag/' oontinuad lirB.€hq»* 
}flim»f wilh gVMrt ^TolufaBity ; ** why 
there ain't the funtatt rimdB of.iaa 
•i»raieirorh»MMivi0ur! 'Why don't 
ke anny hert ** 

«Ah," mid Sam, "^'to .be-jnB»; 
4kai(%< tii» question." 

<<'(^ea«ion,.iDdMd/' Mtootod Mn, 
Ohippna ; ''^^ahe ^ qioBation fain, .if 
liw M ray* apiril Ho«B?ev«ry them' it 
Jaw lor us waoHDy nut^iabie uu aa tuw 
as they M nalceva, if theyxanid ; add 
that your master will find out, ycnag 
1, tohiscBSlynfara hs'a-uisoitths 

-At this<«ensohrtoiyTCAe«tioB,M9iL 
CAuppinS'biridfedwp^aadraiailBdaii&in. 
Aanden^ who smiled baek agun. 

^Wieaetien 's going on, tad. no mb- 
take," thought Sam, as Mis. BacdsU 
«e^ntea:«dwith the reoeipt. 

'<« Hare 's the Tsesipt, Mr. WeUer,*' 
said Mis* Bndell, '«<aiid harass dw 
change, and I hope you 'U takeiaJiiUe 
drop of ssmetfaang to .keep the. cold 
sut, if 'it V( only for old^aofsaiofeuMe' 
sake, Mr. WsUsr." 
• Saon BKW the ■adTsaitagB faoflbould 
gaiB, a«d «t <moe •cqaieaoed ; wfaeva- 
upon Mrs. Bardell produced, firam a 
siDidl olotet^a black MttieAnd a wine 
giasD ; aad sa great was hsrtabstaaction, 
in her deep mental affliction, -Ikmi, 
•Ator 'ffiling Mr. Wellar's glam, she 
brouffht out ttarse mAze wine gl s ss cs, 
4Mid ntted them'tco. 

«<Lattk, Mra BndeU,*' said Mm. 
Chipp]BS,-<^sae wimtysn^ye been, and 
jdone^!" 

"'^Well, that isvagood^sne I '^e}ae». 
Msd Mrs. SsadAis. 

^' Ah, my poor head 1 " said Mrs. 
BardeU, miih Afaiatmile. 

'Sam u n ds rs tsodiJl tins, «f csurse, 
HW k» -said «t «nee, limit be waver 
ooold 'drink 'before sapper, nnless 
« lady drank with him. A gseat 
dealcf 'laoglmig snsaed, and Mis. 
iSariden i iliiiiftim ii(i to homovr Iud, 
<Bo she took a sliglit -sip sat ef her 
ghus. Then, Sam said it mast.9a4di 



Muad, «flo .tbeylaa' Mk. r* .^ilig^; sip. 
OaMQ, litde 'Mm^- Glufi^ms.prepoaed as 
a/tsaat, « fimrmm to .BardsU sgain 
Piiflksrisk.;" and then the ladies 
emptied their glawtsin^lMnom! 4>f tfie 

MM IBit 16 



1^ icry tUkatiye db- 

ISOhJ. 

M auppsse you ^ve heard (what's 
gei«g forwaird, Jfr^WeUerl " said Mm. 
BardeU. 

'<a've heerd aometUn' en it," w- 
plied Sam. 

'< It 's a terrible thing to he dragged 
bslnn'tfae public, .in that ^miy, Mr. 
Weller," mid Bfrs. BaodeU ;'«bat I 
am now, Aat it's the ealy thing 1 
ought to do, and my iawysrs, Mn 
l>dUnn and F<^g||;, tell me, that with 
the-.eTidenoe.as we shall oaU, we must 

do, Mr. WeUer, if I didn't." 

:Ths 3nase idn^.iDf Mm. BaxdeU's 
failing in her actum, effacted Mm* 
Sanden so deejriy, thait she was 
under theineoeosity 4if re-dUliog and 
i»«niptying. her {^am immedi^ly ; 
feeliog, as she -saul lafknwards, that 
if Ahe hadn't had tihe puesenee of 
minditothanre done .so^ she meat lurce 
dropped. 

<< Ven/is it expesled .to eoras on t 



f> 



« Either fai FebmaiQr er Mareb,'^ 
replied Mrs. BardeU. 

^ Wimi .a nnmher of witnesses 
there ni be, won't thece:t'' said Hxa. 
CSnppins* 

«Ah, won't thos.i" jrepiied Mm 



<< And won't Mr.: Dadsm and Fe^ 
be wiU if die plsiniiff-shettldn't get 
iti" added Mm. fihip^i% ^'when 
.lliey do.itaU on specuklion 1 " 

«AhI won't they 1" said Mzs. 



<«tfibt die plaintifEmnat.Ket it," xe* 
flnmedMnk Cfaippom 

'^ I hope so," said Mn. BardeU. 

^ Oh,.there oan'i be any doubt^boni 
iV' xeioinedMra.-Sendem. 

« Yell," said Sam, riaugaiidsedii|« 
doem.hia glass, ^All I«oan Buy is, 
thai I wirii you may>mti^^* 

« Thaok'ee, Mr. WeUer," said Mrs. 
JBasieilf'tevsntly. 



Tffli FKUCWIOE^OIXIB* 



ftIS 



^Andi'CifHibem'DoaBon and Fogg, 
M^oM tiMne BOti o' tUngs on spee/* 
•OBliinied Mr. 'Well«r, <*m well as 
for the other kind and gen'MOB people 
O'tba flame pmfeaBioii, aa sets people 
1^ 4b& ears, £eee gratis for notfain V and 
sets their 'Clerks twrork tofiDd oat 
Htfie disputes among ^leir neighbours 
knd ao^naintanee aa"vants settkm' by 
means o' ]aw<4niiiB— all I eatn say o' 
fliemy is, tihat I vish^ they had the -se- 
twpd rd give 'em." 

«< Ah, I wish Ihey had thorewari tha* 
every kind and genenms heart woald 
be in^ned to bestow upon them t ** said 
tibegratiiBed Mn. Bardell. 

« Amen to that," implied Sam, ^and 
a fat and happy livin' they 'd get out of 
it! Wish yon good night, bMlies.*' 

To the great relief of Mrs. Sandem, 
Sam was allowed to depart, wttbottt 
any rdfin«noe,on the part of thehootesB, 
to the pettitoes and toasted eheeset to 
which the kdies, with saeh juvenile 
aan atance as Master Bardell could 



Aflbcd, soon aftarwarda rendeved Hub 
amplBBt jastio^-^indeed they wholly 
before Aeir stvemioas ezav- 



tions. 

'Mr. Weller went his way back to 
the GoMfe jmd Ynhmw, and fidth- 
fully recounted to his master, sadi 
indieations of the sharp practiee of 
Dodson and -Fogg, as he had • ccon trived 
to piok up, in his visit tO'Mrs.- Bavdell's. 
An interview with Afr. Perker, next 
day, more than confirmed Mr. Welks's 
statement ; and Mr. Piokwiok was 
fain to prepare for his Christmas visit 
to l>mg]ey l)ffl], with thapleaaantanti- 
omatian that seme two or tfareemonths 
aftevwardsy^m-aetien brought against 
faimfor damages nstaned by reason 
of a breach St promise of maxriage, 
would be publicly tried in the Court 
•f Oommeii Pleas : the plaintiif having 
all the advaatages derivable, not only 
from the force of droumstanoes, but 
from tile sharp practice of Dodson 
*od> Fogg* to:boot 



CHAPTER Xmi. 



SAMXnSL WBUJOl 1UKE8 



A FIIGIUMAOS TO 1>0BKI1I0, AND BSHOIDS HIS 
If OTHKR'^m- LAW. 



'£mm still nraaimng auiaterval ef 
two days, before the time agreed upon 
far the depaxtore of the Piekwickams 
to Dingley Dell,' Mr. Wdler sat him- 
self d«wn in a baek room Jit the 
Grcoige and Vulture, after eating: an 
early dinner, to aimse on the best way 
of disposmg of his time. -It was a 
remackablyt£ae day ; and he hadnot 
tamed -the amtter over in his mind 
ten mumtes, when he was -suddenly 
atrieken filial and. affectionate; audit 
oec u rred to him so staongly thathe 
oudit to so down to see ms fSatiier, 
amd pay his duty to his mother^in- 
knr, that he was lost in astomshment 
at his own reminness in never think- 
ing of this mond obligation before. 
Amdoos to atone Inr his past ncig^eot 
without tnother hoarVs delay, .he 



itraigfatway wiAlked iq> stairs to -Ms. 
Pickwick, and reqfoested leave of «ab* 
senee for tlna laudable porpese. 

<< Certainty, Sam, oscteinly," aaid 
Mr. tl^dEwid^ his eyes glistemog widi 
ddight :at ibis mwnifestatioo of iSial 
fee£ig, on the part of .his attandast ;. 
« certainly, Sam." 

Mr. Wellertmade a grateful bow. 

-^ I am very ^ad to aeelfaat yon. 
have so high.a>senBe of yavdutieaaa 
a<son, Sam,** said Mr. Hekwiok. 

^I ahrays had, air," ixepUed Mr. 
WflUar. 

^ That f s a very gratifving reflection, 
SHn,'^aaid Mr. Piokwiok,ap|swvittgly. 

•«^Waiy, sir," TopHed Mr. WeUer; 
«if evnr I wanted asylhin' o' my 
fnthar^ I-alwi^ asked for ibm a wevy 
'spectfuland obligin'.sHunMV. If hit- 



21$ 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



didn't give it me, I took it, for fear I 
ehonld be led to do anythin* wrong, 
through not bavin* it. 1 saved bim a 
world o* trouble this vay, sir." 

^ That 's not precisely what I meant, 
Sam," said Mr. Pickwick, ahaking his 
head, with a sligbt smile. 

^All good feelin*, sir — the wery 
best intentions, as the gen'lm'n said 
ven he run away from Ins wife, 'eoe 
she seemed unhappy with him," re- 
pfied Mr. Weller. 

''You may go, Sam," said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

«Thank'ee, sir," replied Mr. Wel- 
ler ; and having miade his best bow, and 
put on his best clothes, Sam pUmted 
nimself on the top of the Arundel 
coach, and journeyed on to Dorkine. 

The Marquis of Granby, in Mrs. 
Welter's time, was quite a model of a 
road-fflde public-house of the better 
class — ^just large enough to be conve- 
nient, and snuiU enough to be snug. 
On the opposite side of the road, was a 
large sign-board on a high post, re- 
presenting the head and shoulders of 
a gentleman with an apoplectic coun- 
tenance, in a red coat with deep blue 
facings, and a touch of the same blue 
over his three-cornered hat, for a sky. 
Over that agun, were a pair of flags ; 
beneath the last button of his coat 
were a couple of cannon ; and the 
whole formed an expressive and un- 
doubted likeness of the Marquis of 
Granby of glorious memory. 

The bar n^dow displayed a choice 
collection of geranium plants, anda well- 
dusted row of spirit phials. The open 
shutters bore a varie^ of golden in- 
scriptions, eulogistic of good beds and 
neat wines ; and the choice eroup of 
countrymen and hostlers lounging 
about the stable-door and horse- 
trough, afforded presumptive proof 
of the excellent quality of the ale and 
spirits which were sold within. Sam 
Weller paused, when he dismounted 
from the coach, to note all these little 
indications of a thriving business, with 
the eye of an experienced traveller ; 
and having done so, stepped in at 
once, highly satisfied with everything 
he had observed. 



« Now, then !" BfoA a shriU female 
voice, the instant Sam thrust in his 
head at the door, <* what do yon want, 
young man 1 " 

Sam looked round in the direction 
whence the voice proceeded. It came 
from a rather stout lady of comfort- 
able appearance, who was seated be- 
side the fire-place in the bar, blowing 
the fire to make the kettle boil for 
tea. She was not alone ; for on the 
other side of ihe fire-place, sitting boH 
upright in a high-backed chair, was a 
man in thxead-bare black clothes, with 
a back almost as long and stiff as that 
of the chair itself, who caught Sam's 
most particular and especial attention 
at once. 

He was a prim-faced, red-nosed 
man, with a long thin countenance 
and a semi-rattiesnake sort of eye — 
rather sharp, but decidedly bad. He 
wore very short trousers, and black- 
cotton stockings : which, like the rest 
of his apparel, were particularly rusty. 
His looks were starcned, but his white 
neckerchief was not ; and its long 
limp ends straggled over his closely- 
buttoned waistcoat in a very uncouth 
and unpicturesque fiwhion. A pair 
of old, worn, beaver gloves ; a broad- 
brimxned hat ; and a faded green um- 
brella, with plenty of whalebone 
sticking through the bottom, as if to 
counterbalance the want of a handle 
at the top ; lay on a chair beside him ; 
and being disposed in a very tidy and 
careful manner, seemed to imply that 
the red-nosed man, iVhoever he was, 
had no intention of going away in a 
hurry. 

To do the red-nosed man justice, he 
would have been very far from wise if 
he had entertained any such intention; 
for, to judge from all appearances, he 
must have been possessed of a most 
desirable circle of acquaintance, if he 
could have reasonably expected to be 
more comfortable anywhere else. The 
fire was blazing brightiy, under the 
influence of the bellows; and the kettle 
was singing gaily, under the influence 
of both. A small tray of tea-things 
was arranged on the table ; a plate of 
hot buttered toast was gentiy ommer- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



217 



mg before ihe fire ; and the red- 
noeed man himself, was busily engaged 
.m converting a large slice of br^td, 
into the same agreeable edible, throogh 
the instrumentality of a long brass 
toasting-fork. Beside him, stood a 
glass of reeking hot pine-apple mm 
and water, with a slice of lemon in it ; 
and every time the red-nosed man 
stopped to bring the round of bread 
to his eye, with the view of ascer- 
taining how it got on, he imbibed a 
drop or two of tho hot pine-apple 
rum and water, and smiled upon the 
rather stout lady, as she blew the fire. 

Sam was so lost in the contemplation 
of this comfortable scene, that he suf- 
fered the first inquiry of the rather 
stout Uidy to pass unheeded. It was 
not until it had been twice repeated, 
each time in a shriller tone, that he 
became conscious of the impropriety of 
his behaviour. 

^ Governor in ? " inquired Sam, in 
reply to the question. 

" No, he isn't,*' replied Mrs. Weller, 
for the rather stout lady was no other 
than the quondam relict and sole 
executrix of the dead-and-gone Mr. 
Clarke ; ** No, he isn't, and I don't 
expect him, eitiier." 

*<I suppose he's a drivin' up to- 
day ! " said Sam. 

^ He may be, or he may not," re- 
plied Mrs. Weller, buttering the round 
of toast which the red-nosed man had 
just finished, '*! don't know, and, 
what's more, I don't care. Ask a 
blessin', Mr. Stiggins." 

The red-nosed man did asjbe was 
desired, and instantiy commenced on 
the toast with fierce voracity. 

The appearance of the red>nosed 
man had induced Sam, at first sight, to 
more than half suspect that he was 
the deputy shepherd, of whom his 
estimable parent had spoken. The 
moment he saw him eat, all doubt on 
the subject was removed, and he per- 
ceived at once that if he purposed to 
•take up his temporary quarters where 
he was, he must make his footing good 
without delay. He therefore com- 
menced proceedings by putting his 
arm over the half-door of the bar^ 



coolly unbolting it, and leisurely walk* 
ing in. 

^ Mother-in-law," said Sam, " hov 
are you 1 " 

« Why, I do believe he is a Weller ! " 
said Mrs. W., raising her eyes to Sam's 
face, with no very gratified expression 
of countenance. 

«I raytiier think he is," said the 
imperturbable Sam ; " and I hope this 
here reverend gen'lm'n '11 excuse me 
saying that I wish I was the Weller aa 
owns you, mother-in-law." 

Thu was a double-barrelled compli* 
ment. It implied that Mrs. Weller 
was a most agreeable female, and also 
that Mr. Stiggins had a clerical ap- 
pearance. It made a visible impres- 
sion at once ; and Sam followed up 
his advantage by kissing his mother- 
inJaw. 

<<Get along with you," said Mrs. 
Weller, pushing him away. 

** For shame, young man I" said the 
gentieman with tiie red nose. 

^ No offence, sir, no offence," re« 
plied Sam ; ^ you 're wery rights 
though ; it ain't tiie right sort o' thing, 
wen mothers-in-law is young and go(^ 
looking, is it, sir r' 

*' It 's aU vanity," said Mr. Stiggins. 

<< Ah, so it is," said Mrs. Weller, 
setting her cap to rights. 

Sam thought it was, too, but he held 
his peace. 

The deputy shepherd seemed by no 
means best pleased with Sam's arrival ; 
and when the first effervescence of 
the compliment had subsided, even 
Mrs. Weller looked as if she could 
have spared him without the smallest 
inconvenience. However, there he 
was ; and as he couldn't be decentiy 
turned out, they all three sat down to tea. 

" And how 's faliier 1 " said Sam. 

At this inquiry, Mrs. Weller raised 
her hands, and turned up her eyes, as 
if the subject were too painful to be 
alluded to. 

Mr. Stiggins groaned. 

^ What 's the matter with that 'ere 
gen'lm'n ! " inquired Sam. 

" He 's shocked at the way your 
father goes on, in," replied Mrs. 
Weller. 



m: 



PaRODlfOBS TJUnOH < OF 



r«f eh^ lMi% i0iwt'* Mid Sun. 

^ And with too good reason," added 
Mn. W«ilflr,'gi«vely. 
• Mr. Stiggins took up a fresh pieoe 
of teaet, and groaned heavily. 

^ He is a dreadful i«prot>ato/' said 
lbs. WeUer. 

^ A nuuQ of wrath ! " «xdaimed Mr. 
Stiggfais. He took a large semi-cireu- 
br Ute out of the toast, and gioaaed 
■gam. 

Sam iklt Teiy strongly disposed to 
rive the reveread Mr. Stiggins some- 
tiiing to groan tor, but be repressed his 
incmation^ and merely asked, *^ What *s 
the* old 'un up to, now 1 " 
' « Up to, indeed !» said Mrs. Weller, 
^oh, he has a hard heart. Night 
alter iiight does this exoelknt man — 
don't frown, Mr. Stiggins : I will say 
you are an excellent man — come and 
flit here, for hours together, and* it has 
not the least efliBct upon him." 

« Well, that is odd," said Sam ; ^ it 
'ud have a wery considerable efiect 
upon mo, if I woa in his place; I know 
IhatL" 

''•The &et is, my youngiriend," said 
Mr. Stiggins, solenmly, ^ he bias an 
obderrate bosom. Oh, my young 
inend, who else could have resisted 
the plea«&]g of sixteen of our fiurest 
sisters, and withstood their exhorta- 
tkynsto subscribe to our noble so<Hety 
for providing the infant negreoa m me 
'West Indies with flannel waistcoats 
and moral pocket handkercMofe t " 

''What's a moral poeket anker- 
eher ? " said Sam ; " I nervr^-see one 
o'-them articles o* teniter.*' 

^^Hioso' which combino aas o B cm ont 
with mstruction, my young fHend," 
repyod'Mr. Stiggins : ** blen£ng select 
tales with wood-outs." 

^ Oh, I Imow," said Sam ; " tfaom as 
liaogs up in the linen-drapers* shops, 
^th beggars' petitions and all that 'ore 
«ipon 'em f ** 

Mr. Stiggins began a third Tonnd of 
toast, and nodded assent. 

^And he wouldn't be persuaded 
by the ladies, wouldn't he ! " flssd 
'6am. 

^ Sat and smoked .his pipe^ and usAd 
the infant negroes were— what 4id' be 



say the inlMit iiflgproea>«r€M!'^ tmi 
MnkWeOnr. 

'" Little hnndinigB," veplicd'Mff*Sti|^ 
gins, do^hratfoetad. 

"Said the infimt- mgnas iroM lil- 
tie hmbugsy" i«peated Mn. WeUsr. 
And they both gnoanfld-atithe atoo* 
oious ooadnet of the oldgantieaian. 

A great many more iniquities of- a 
siaoilar nature might have bean, dia* 
closed, only the toast being ail eaten, 
the tea having got vet^ memk^ andrSam 
holding out no indications <Qf mpmiing 
to go, Mr. Stiggias suddenly reoei* 
looted that he £id a most p ro s aing 
appointmoKt with the shepherd, and 
took himself off aeoeirdingly. 

The tea-things had been acaeoely 
put away, and tiie hearth, swept up, 
when the London ooaoh depoated Mr. 
Weller senior at the door; his legs 
deposited Uni in the bar ; aiid his eyes 
showed him his son. 

" What, Saanny t" ezelained ihe 
father. 

« What, old Nobs f" ejaoulaied the 
son. And they shook handaiieaTtity. 

" Wery glad to see you, Sammy,'' 
said the eMer Mr. WeUer, -^'-though 
how you *ve managed to get over your 
mother-in-law, is a mystery to me. I 
only vish yon 'd. write .me.ont the re- 
ceipt, that 's aU." 

"Hushl" said Sam, ^tshe^ at 
homo, old foUcr.'' 

«Sfao ain't v&kfain hearin'," re^ed 
Mr. WeUer ; ^she aiwayB :goes and 
•blows up, drnvn stairs, fer-a couple of 
hours arter tea; sowe'lljuslgiiiooBr- 
s^es a damp, Sammy." 

Saying this, Mr. WeMerauxed two 
glasses of qwiitB and water, and pro- 
doeed a couple of pipes. The father 
and (SOU ^sittingdown oppomie each 
odier : Sam on onoaidethe fine, in the 
higb4Mieked chair, and Mr. WeUer 
senior on the other,:]D an easy ditto : 
-they proceeded to enjoy themadvee 
with all due gravity. 

" Aflfybody been here, Sammy V 
asked Mr. WoUer 'senior, •dziiyy-aller a 
long siionce. 

Sun nodded an oxpressivie asflsat. 

'"fioAttosod chap" I" iaqoizad.MB. 
Wolkr. 



■•^ 



i^*^ 



TBS JRJOKWIOC CftrS. 



tM 



said Mr. Weller, smoking violentfy. 
**Mmnthao" obaerved Su. 

■fSiBffnw» eigMeenpenoe on Mon- 
dfl^, Mid-.c^Bies on Taeflday for a 
«hfllin? to-aoftko it up half a fsrowa; 
eidls a0Mi on Vensday for juMUHar.lialf 
««owa to make i* iive ahiUin's ; aad 
gaw^Q, dovbting, tili he .goto it op to 
♦.Avepiindnotaintao time, like tbam 
flona iu the 'rithnatic hwik 'baat the 
nails in the borse^s shoes, Sammy.'* 

.San intinMyted hy a nod that he 
fieoeUeotaditlie problem aUnded to l^y 
ilia parent. 

^•Soyaitt YonldnH '«tbacribe to the 
tmmidk Tesldtel" said Saoo, after 
aaatlMKv interval- of aanokiQg, 

« Oert'nly noV replied Air. WeUer ; 
^{what/athegeed o* flaiia] ▼eskits to 
4he yoang niggers abroad ? But I 'U 
rtellyoa^^H^Mt it ia,<Samniy,*' ^nid Jir. 
^WeUaVyJovaring hia Tace^and bend- 
>iBg aorois.Ahafimrplaoe: '^rl^deenae 
4<^'wery bandaome toivavda stoait 
veskits for some people at bene." 
' As/lnbr. Welkr aaid thi^he. slowly 
yeeoTered bis former position,. aiMl 
^winked Atrbis fintrhesn» in a profound 



^ It ocrt'jdy seema a qaeerr start to 
.sand ent pooket^afikeirchars toipaojde as 
don't know the use on *em/' ofaaarvad 
Sam. 

* They 've alyays adoin' aene gam- 
mon of that aart» Saauny;' rreplifidbas 
father. << T'other Sunday Xwoawalkm' 
9tp tbe *raad, warn who abouIdJ see, a 
<itandin' at a ehapeUdeoTf with a blue 
<aaap*pUito in her hand* bat your 
moUienn-kw I Iwenly belfteye theve 
^vas-.abaage for a coqiple o^-awr'rias in 
ity then, SaaDmy, all in IWpenaa ; and 
aa the people oome out, they rattled 
■ the.peDfiieB .in,.till yen 'di ha' thought 
JiuA BO'inortal plate as eYev was baJ^^ 
leaald ha' ateed the wear And tear., 
What dfyei^thiak ituMia aU for ! " 

'*'For anathar ^teandrinkm.'^ per- 



»» 



id 



<< Nat a. bit OIL tt,"is«ptiad .the &r 



thor ; ^Inrthe^ahapbBrd'awvtejMite, 
Saou^y.** 
<< The ihephmrd'a water-rate!" aa&d 



<<Ay," rapUad Kr. Weller, '^thaza 
was ihzee ^[uaatefs ewin', and dieahep* 
herd hadn't. paid a farden, not he — 
perhaps it aught be on acoount that 
the water wam't o' much use to hiaot^ 
for it *s wery littleo' tibat tap hednnks, 
Sanu^y, weiy ; he knows a trick worth 
a good half dozen of that, he doea^ 
Hows^esaer, it wasn't paid, and aothey 
cuts the water off. I>own goas the 
shepherd to ehapel, gives out aa he 's 
a persecuted saint, and says he hepea 
the heart of the tuzneock as ent the 
water off, '11 be softened,-«iid tamed in 
the right vay : but he sayther Uimks 
he 's booked for somethin' uncoBifoft- 
aUe. Upcn this, the women calls a 
meetin', sings a hymn, wotea your 
mother-in^aw into the d^ir, wolun* 
teens a ool4eetian next Sunday, and 
handsit ail over to the shepherd. And 
if he ain't got enough out on \nip 
^kmmy, to nuUce him free of the water 
company for life," said Mr. WeUcc,in 
oooclaskm, <<•! 'm one Dutobmao, and 
you 're another, and that 's all about it,** 

. ]tfr.tWelleramokedforaonieaiiavtes 
in sUeaee, and then resumed : 

^ The wovst o' these here shepheuda 
if, my boy, that they reg?lariy toins the 
heade of all the young iadias, about 
here. tJuord bleas their little haartm 
^my • tbinka it 'a all right, and don't 
•know no better. ; but they 're the wia- 
tims o' gammon, SamiT«iythey.'re the 
wictima o* gammon." 

^I«*poae theyaoe," said Sam. 

^Nethin'else," aaid Mr. WeUar, 
.shakiqg Jua head .gravely ; <^ and wot 
aggrawatea me, Sunival, is to aee 'em 
>a.«Rastin' all- their 'time and labour in 
making dothea for oopper<*coloured 
people as 4onU want 'em, and taking 
no sotiee of the iteshncolonred CSixia- 
tiansiaado. If I'dmy vay»Samiva), 
I 'd - iust atiek some o' these nere h^y 
s h epher ds b^india heavy wheelbarroa^ 
tand run 'ent up and doaoa a fourtaesi- 
ineh-wide phnk all. day. That '4id 
:ahake rthenDnaanaaaat.of 'era, if ufii^ 
thin\vauld." 



990 



POBTHUMOUS PAPERS OP 



. Mr. WeUer hftving delivered this 
gentle redpe with strong emphasis, 
«ked oat by a variety of nwds and con- 
tortions of the eye, emptied his glass at 
» dnraght, and knocked the ashes out 
of his pipe, with native dignity. 

He was engaged in thus operation, 
when a shrill voice was heard in the 
passaee. 

** Here 's yoor dear relation, Sammv,** 
said Mr. Weller ; and Mrs. W. humeid 
into the room. 

" Oh, you Ve come l)ack,have you P 
Baid Mrs. Weller. 

** Yes, my dear," replied Mr. Weller, 
'filling a fresh pipe. 

<« Has Mr. Stiggins been back ! " 
fiaid Mrs. Weller. 

** No, my dear, he hasn't," replied 
Mr. Weller, lighting the pipe by the 
ingenious process of holding to the 
bowl thereof, between the tongs, a red- 
hot coal from the adjacent fire ; '^ and 
what 's more, my dear, I shall manage 
to surwive it, if he don*t come back at 
all" 

*< Ugh, you wretch ! ** said Mrs. 
WeUer. 

" Thank*ee, my love," said Mr. 
Weller. 

■ ^Come, come, father," said Sam, 
«none o' these little lovins afore 
strangers. Here 's the revOTend genl- 
m'n a comin' in now." 

At this announcement, Mrs. Weller 
hastily wiped off the tears which she 
hod just begun to force on ; and Mr. 
W. drew his chair sullenly into the 
chimney comer. 

Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on, 
to take another glass ox the hot pine- 
apple rum and water, and a second, 
and a third, and then to refresh him- 
self with a slight supper, previous to 
beginning aeain. He sat on the same 
side as Mr. Weller senior ; and eveiy 
time he could contrive to do so, unseen 
"by his wife, that gentleman indicated 
to his son {he hidden emotions of his 
bosom, by shaking his fist over the 
^deputy diepherd's head: a process 
which afforded his son the most 
immingled delight and satisfaction: 
the more especially as Mr. Stiggins 
went on, quietly drinking the hot 



pine-apple rum and water, wholly 
unconscious of what was going for- 
ward. 

The major part of the oonversation 
was confined to Mrs. WeUer and the 
reverend Mr. Stiggins ; and the topics 
principally descanted on, were the 
virtues of the shepherd, the worthiness 
of his flock, and the high crimes and 
misdemeanors of evei^body beside; 
dissertations which me Ader Mr. 
Weller occasionally interrupted by 
half-suppressed references to a gentle- 
man of the name of Walker, and other 
running commentaries of the same 
kind. 

At length Mr. Stiggins, with several 
most indubitable symptoms of having 
quite as much pine-apple rum and 
water about hixn, as he could com- 
fortably acconmiodate, took his, hat and 
his leave : and Sam was, immediately 
afterwards, shown to bed by his &ther. 
The respectable old gentleman wrung 
his hand fervently, and seemed dis- 
posed to address some observation to 
his son; but on Mrs. Weller advancing 
towards him, he appeared to relinquish 
that intention, and abruptly bade him 
good night , 

Sam was up betimes next day, and 
having partaken of a hasty breakfast^ 
prepared to return to London. He 
had scarcely set foot without the house, 
when his father stood before hinu 

** G6m\ Sammy ! " inquired Mr. 
Weller. 

'^ Off at once," replied Sam. 

^ I vish you could mufRe tiiat 'ere 
Stiggins, and take him with you," said 
Mr. Weller. 

**I am ashamed on you I" said 
Sam, reproachfully ; ** what do y<m 
let him show his red nose in the 
Markis o' Granby at aU, for ! " 

Mr. Weller the elder fixed on his 
son an earnest • look, and replied, 
«*Cause I'm a married man, Samivel, 
'cause I'm a married man. Wen you 're 
a married man, Samivel, you '11 under- 
stand a good many things as you don't 
understand now ; but vether it's worth 
while goin* through so much, to learn 
so Utile, as the cluirity-boy said ven he 
got to the end of the alphabet, is a 



^ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



221 



matter o' tMte. / rayther tbink it 
iBn't." 

« WeD,** 8Bid Sam, « good bjre." 

^Tar» tar, Sammy/' replied hiB 
lather. 

**Vye only got to say this here," 
said Sam, stopping shoi^ ^ihat if / 
was the properiator o' the Markis o' 
Granby, and that 'ere Stiggina came 
and made toast in my bar, I'd — " 

«<What!" interpoised Mr. WeUer, 
vitb grcAt anxiety. <<What!" 

^ — Pison his mm and water," said 
Sam. 

'"Nol" said Mr. Weller, shaking 
his son eageriy by the hand, ^ would 
yoara]y,Siuamy; would yoa,tiioQghr* 

«< I would," said Sam. « I wouldn't 
be too hard npon him, at first I'd 
drop him in the water-butt, and put 
the lid on ; and if I found he was in- 



sensible to Idndness, Pd try the other 
persTasion.** 

The elder Mr. Weller bestowed a 
look of deep, unspeakable admiration 
on his son ; and, having once more 
grasped his hand, walked slo^y away, 
revolving in his mind the numerous 
reflections to which his advice had 
given rise. 

Sam looked after him, until hetnmed 
a comer of the road : and then set for- 
ward on his walk to London. He 
meditated, at first, on the probable con- 
sequences of his own advice^^ and the 
likelihood and unlikelihood of his 
other's adopting it He dismissed the 
subject from his mind, however, with 
the consolatory reflection tiiat time 
alone would diow; and this is the 
reflection we would impress upon the 
reader. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

A GOOD-HUVOVBBD CHRISTHAS CHAPTBB, OONTAININO AN ACCOUNT OF A VrKD" 
DINO, AND SOME OTHER SPORTS BESIDE : WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAT, 
EVEN AS GOOD CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF, ARE NOT QUITE SO RELI- 
GIOUSLY KEPT UP, IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES. 



As brisk as bees, if not altogether 
as light as fairies, did the four Pick- 
wickums assemble on the morning of 
the twenty-second day of December, 
In the year of grace in which these, 
their ttithfully-reoorded adventures, 
were undertaken and accomplished. 
Christmas was dose at hand, in all his 
bluff and hearty honesty ; it was the 
season of hospitality^ merriment, and 
open-heartedness; the old year was 
preparing, lik^ an ancient philosopher, 
to call his friends around him,, and 
amidst the sound of feasting and 
revelry to pass gently and calmly 
away. Gray and merry was the time ; 
and right gay and merry were at least 
four of the numerous hearts that were 
gladdened by its coming. 

And numerous indeed are the hearts 
to^ which Christmas brings a brief 
season of happiness and enjoyment. 



How many families whose members 
have been dispersed and scattered, fiur 
and wide, in the restless struggles of 
life, are then re-united, and meet once 
again in that happy state of companion- 
ship, and mutual good-will, which is a 
source of such pure and unalloyed 
delight, and one so incompatible with 
the cares and sorrows of the world, 
that the religious belief of the most 
civilised nations, and the rude tradi- 
tions of the roughest savages, alike 
number it among the first joys of a 
future condition of existence, provided 
for the blest and happy 1 How many ' 
old recollections, and how many dor- 
mant sympathies, does Christmas time 
awaken I 

We write these words now, many 
miles distant from the spot at which^ 
year after year, we met on that day, a 
merry and joyous circle. Many oC 



vo&asxnamw TAJOsmi of 



hftTe cesaed to beat ; iohmr off tlw 
Jb>olar/llia.ib««»^ bff)^tijrt1be%lmye 
■Bfiflftofloy ; tb0rfaMuk'w6gBMf«l^ 
mun ^d.4 ttie a^ee iiw wogli^ 

jp«t ilM'ioldli0«aey:tho aiNM%tb» 
BMRy vttwes' fuiA'iiaUiag iMe% ib* 
jest^ the laugh^ the most nHUiaiaad 
IriffM cutoutourtoHDiow! octeniMtbd. with 
Ibtt^hiqppjp mftflingil .owiwd. ispom aug 
Mind M-oiehreevrstBoe of ihotseAMB^ 
mH tt» iMtmaifnaWnytf had bft«lwt 
jnMttifdaxI .H«ppgit| faAf pr> Ghiteiw% 
ihiU OMi min uB^badB to we ' ' 



ol.OwoUidiati dajw; <^at 
toTttuBoUvmaii the pii u— w .ogi hh 
jonih.; and.tmiU|Miit.ihftiMBkNB and 
«bi tcavellor, tfaDii0andfe*of iinilM aMoji^ 
hadfi.toi]uft>0«ik:firo«idoraBd>faii'^pii!it 
home t 

But we are so taken up^ and occu- 
pied, with the good qualities of this saint 
Christmas, tlutt we are. keeping Mi\ 
Pickwick and his friends waiting in the 
cold, on the outside of the Muggleton 
coach : which they have justAAteiaad, 
well wrapped up in great-cfoats, shawls, 
aodiiomwrters. Thp portroanfffung and. 
oariyBtTbagshave beenstowedawa^yaad 
Mr. Weller and the ^uasd are wdea^ 
Touring to insinuate mto the |ore4)«et 
a huge cod-fish several sizes too large 
fbr'it^wiiicfa iosaogly'iMtcked'upyin'a 
knig ' hetma baskety with a> layerr of 
itrvw Ofiar'tfa0 top:- and. vdiiQh has 
hMn loftitortfac hut, i&oider tlMt ho 
mvf' repose in- safetv on the haU^ 
Men fattrsefai^of real naili!:^ ovbImp^ 
Ml tbo^^roptrty of Bir. Pi ilwkk^ 
wlikh>'fa»«e- boBB anransedhi xoguJar 
ofednn^ at'the bottom^ of m-reesptedOt 
fiiO'iBteroot dIspUyad in M^r Piok* 
wiokfa oomtenaoce^ is moal intans^ 
ffi>Mn>'W«tter and ihei guard try to 
a^naeca' tlia «odM£sh- hito -the boolj 
flMl('h«adflvs^ and thantija iflnt, and 
Ufan- top^ upwasdBy and liwn* bottODi 
a{naBMliyand'tkenr4iid»iwa9«^aoidtbeD 
lM|^tHig% aUi of whiHb< artiflofls the 
implacable cod-fish sturdily: ya8iBt% 
«Blllntfav'gtta«d<«eddaiitatt)K h&to hun 
m tfao ^aettf' laiadlo af iho- baokaa^ 
wfai|Mu{Kiii het anddenkr ' dlaappaava 
brtovtiMi^booi^siid iiillK'hii% tfae<lMi* 



who, not calculating up<m so suddtonm 
oesBMioB atf' ^ut pMBlv<» Ksiaiaaoe' of 
'liid oad^ah, eigj/miaiMiiiJiftfjrefy lanex- 
pected shock, to the nnsmomnM 
dalig^t o& atti Ito purtav aftdi by- 
Btandwa UpoB tbu, Mr.. Bfek^ak 
HanUao* urith' great' ywaVliiHiuiim, and 
dnariBg audulin^ ftoni hia< waiatoaat 
pocketk bagv tho^gwd^ aa horptelB 
imttaetf oo»> of tin boot, to dfink liia 
health ihj«<glaas tfiihia^httmiyBai. 
Mder;ai-whadi^ 4lie^gaard.aaBlee-tbo^ 
and Meaers. Snodgrass, Winkle, aaid 
TnpBnn,.ail aaiilir in 00BBpiai3!V.v The 
gmiri and- MR-.Wdler- diaappaov ftr 
fi^nManUaas' iBoati>rok»blf to^gatitht 
hoihrandy and I watery forthaj aoiell 
very atnnj^y of it, whao'tbay ivfonu 
tho ooaahMMi- MaantS' to the* box, MsK 
WeHar jumpa op behtod, tin Piafei 
wickiana pull their coats round their 
legs, and their shawls over their 
Boseo; the helpers pull the horse- 
cloths off, the coachman shouts out 
a cheery << All right," and away they 

They have rumbled Ihrough the 
etaeet% and jaked.o'aar tho..ati»Be% 
and At langth reach iha wide and.open 
ooontryk Tho whealo-iskim cmsr the 
haad aind frosty gvouDd ;^ and the 
horses, bursting into a canter at a 
flmart' enck of tho whip, tMp adbng 
tfao'AMid, as^ tbo* laad beliiiitf ^«m 4 
eoaeh^ paaoengers, cod JflAlri wtA» htl^ 
rtfhf and' all'! ware' but ar mther flf 
ti«Bir-ba^ Thoy have deacendad « 
geDlla"8l^)a, and' enter, upoa^'a lav^ 
aa^oBapaot'and dry aa««olid<blodle of 
mttrbfe, inv milea: longr jfHtia^tus^ 
omck^at the w9% anden'tiiey'apeed^ 
ait»a araaHgaBop': thia'lMnaestliaBing> 
tiwhr haad» and rattling' the • htthlM*, 
aaif iff etdnltoatioa at tfae'sapiditf^of 
tho^uBtiont'Wliiii <ilO'06acliinan^ IpDldJ 
ing'wbip^afid reins in' one hand, taketf 
olf* Ma haatwith' tfa^other^ and naatingf 
it -on> hia knaea, pvdlaxMl 'his- handlter^ 
ah&of, ttnd wipes 1^ fittebiaadi partiy| 
baeanso tie han^a habft^of 'dotng h, $m 
partly becauseit''a4MrwelK«o'flh<ywtiM» 
paaeaiigan haw" ooM h& iai and'^Muit 
an tissy tiling^' it* n'todrivef foaf-ia^' 



1 



CTR'CUTJL WiCSft OLDll^ 



p—iifeatHttf faft'faafc HaflPio^ dona 
iknii. 'iviijpi IktiflBEuljT ^otiMmme: tiM 
aOntf wandr heiiwutirtuBy mifmBA)^ 
he replaces his handkerchief^ pnUs on 
Usf nkty a^iflUts mm glowes,, aqoares 
]iiBt.eUminas;».cnlfli»«1faeF-mp aspaia^ 
aiid«iHfaej^ Bpeed/BHve' laamlgr than 

in.ibw> Biaall. hoasos/ aeaiteivfl en 
either side a^*lh9fxaKft^hat6fceor ihe 
eBtrB6(tei't»<CMBMi toMnn;; oxr Tiilage. 
3llitt liffsiy i»les.of'tiie giiasd!s key- 
higl«!vakra*anB Ae ohaB odd air, aaA 
\nSie up the old gentknaui iasida^ 
wiiD, 4WBBfiBll?^ lettiitgr' dewii tiie.' ndn- 
4twr-'»aBMiBlfciwy^aad?iiilaTiriiag aeolarf 
oi*ar'-?di0»ix| tyoER'asahovit peep cmt,' 
ttnd tbeih!>eBrafiUly>-piidUng<il up'Sgain^ 
inttnapttfaviothflRiando Hoi they're 
gdngpto^changie diredly ; -en"#hioii 
tfaA^thflfffiaBi&'VRlsM iuBuelf .111^ and 
A e t a muiii aa to.poalponar'hiS'Bext nap 
nntil.aiterTili»' stoppage^. Again the 
bi^^voiBidsvkulily fiorai^ ands sdnaea 
Hm onitageitfa/vife^Bnd ehiUreny who 
peept'ontAaiilHahaawKdDeiEy andiratoh 
ihe>Maciir4tt)it >tanvNi»«ORiab^ when 
4jte|tnoa«9']iniie''c]iiMtii!. nyimd' the 
blazing fire^ and throw on anothter.log 
€i w0M'againa((.-&t]iBV^c6QM9Uome, 
lyUle lirtlMs MmaellliMtfHAiiuleofl; ^ 
just exchanged a friendly nod with tfaa 
ifpmitmMfmiA ^nitaaSk seand; ';fa> take a 
good Ibi^'^stoaw at'lher ^vfanlfr asrit 
ifMdi^wiray? - 

A»dr.ii9«»jihr/biigl»>phMB ff WnAy 
air as the coach rattles uxnigh the 
ilI-payei4r''fetMta^^'a^ eqmtltFy tewn ; 
and'lhe^cofMiiiBUiii, mdo^gthetodde 
whMh iMM'impvibaiida tagaitar, pMb 
pares to throw tbnor fMff&^taovamst 
htH iStepai'^ liti Ftahtntlt. emerges 
from his coat collar, and looks abeai 
fahn witti' grWEt auvkaity^; peioeiTing 
whlehr^ the eoadaaaft hilonns' Mri 
P{cki«4ek of Use ii$aamatik» tBrnn^ini 
tells hiai'lt'waa'ixittriEatMdayyMtonUiy; 
both of i!v^Mi>piece»iaflnftiniuiiion Mr. 
Pick«iak^]5eiMtfr t» his Mlow^^itssen. 
geiv; ^hMreapen tfaa^ emerffe f^roni 
their coat collars too, and look ahaai 
iShkniam^ Iff^ Wii^d0^ ^wfao siis* at 
the extreme edge, with one leg d^nv 
gHag^^life liii^, iVttearlyjpreffiipilated 
kito««ia>«sireae^«B 'iiib ooaahitini^ 



ramdilla 8faaqBr4)oniav% tb^ atoaaa* 
mongor'a shop^ and ti]ni» iato^ tiia 
n»Bke^>kMe ; and. befevBt libw.&iod* 
graas^ n^ aitaiiWRt to hiaot) haatza^ 
jDoyemdfKMn his.«lanB,.tliey pall^x^ 
at tkeintf yacd^ whefle-tberfraabheBMi^ 
wi1htich»tb* OB^ aBe^alaea^^'wailuigt 
Tkm ooaefamaa tfaBTDma deli^'tiiafreiaa 
and igste down: hiaasetf,^ and tha etlut 
OBtnde paaaBPgarSf'dvop'. doirat. ahatx 
eoBeep^^tofle^wfieliainBrjier ^nat^eattfe 
denee in tbsir «Wifiky i»^ 19 agaiBi 
adodthay lemain ii^iarertbey as% and 
stamp. their Saeta^astrlke; leeacL ta 
waim thaiaii laolfing, with knging 
eyes and red naaes^ at thfrbsigbkiiisoiB 
the: inn bak», aad the apnga-of hfllly 
ivath redib€enefr:whiefa omamani this 



BaA, the gnavd haa^bttreved attHha 
oom.daaler'iB shef^tfae; brown papaa 
padoet haittook out ofithe; Uttlfe poiaA 
wfaftdt- hangs, over hisiBhoQldarbya 
leathematnip ; and haa-seeni tlie)lMnea 
caaeliiUypnt to;.aadr haa,'-thBewnan 
the pavement J the- saddle « whidt . tma 
hnnj^ ft<em. London. oosHxb eeae^ 

between ith» coacfanuuk Andithethostier 
about tergiijy'mare tiwt hurt bar €S^ 
ib]!e4egr]aBt'TBeBday'; and he aaii-Jfo 
Wdfer floe, aflMigkb befaiBd^.aBl the 
ooBchBianriaail ri^rinin fron^ and thd 
aid: gentisinan. iiuide^ wlia has^ faepi 
di» window^ dawnt fidl two: indiea> all 
tids tianyhaa pnBed it;iq)«^iB9Jnid 
tiie clofiis are oi^ and litey aatef all 
xeady far>'8tartin|^ except, tiie <^two 
ston^ gentfannn/' whem the eaach» 
Baan jiapiiwif after- vn.^ 8eme.>inipBi> 
tience. Hereupon tSmcoMclnnatt^ and 
the gnasd,.Bnd Sam Weifer, and Mr. 
Winkle, aiad Mb aaodgeass, and- all 
tin hostleniy. and every ooe of the 
idkrs^ i^B».ax» more in nnaibesiban 
attilhaodtsohpiil togadm^duifeit for 
the missing gentlemen as loud as tiMy 
opB bamL A- diaftanir vei^onae- is 
heaM. firon»:1iie yaid».and Mr Biek^ 
wioki«ndiMK.Tttpniaai:aoiaa mrinmg 
dawiaiit, qaBte^ont efr bi u ad^ for tbsy 
bare beeiiiBnn]gaigla8slo£ialeia«pii(n9 
and Mr. iBMcadekfarfi^gBrsiana m^eM 
tfaaiJ: He" haa < beem fdl fiire< nnantoa 
befvfea::^aaaUjfiiidvihK)«Kpancai>ta 



92% 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



pay for it. Tha coachman shouts an 
admonitoiy ** Now, then, gen'lm'n I " 
the guard re-echoes it ; the old gen- 
tleman inside, thinks it a very extra- 
ordinary thing that people triU get 
down when they know there isnH time 
for it ; Mr. Pickwick struggles up on 
one side ; Mr. Tupman on the other ; 
Mr. Winkle cries « All right •/' and oif 
they start. Shawls are pulled up, coat 
collars are re-adjusted, the pavement 
ceases, the houses disappear ; and they 
are once again, dashing alonff the open 
road, with the fresh dear air blowing 
in their faces, and gladdening their 
very hearts within them. 

Such was the progress of Mr. Pick- 
wick and his friends by the Muggleton 
Telegraph, on their way to Dingley 
Dell ; and at three o'clock that after- 
noon, they all stood, high and dry, 
safe and soimd, hale and hearty, upon 
the steps of the Blue lion : having 
taken on the road quite enough of ale 
and brandy, to enable them to bid 
defiance to the frost that was binding 
up the earth in its iron fetters, and 
weaving its beautiful net-work upon 
the trees and hedges. Mr. Pickwick 
was busily engaged in counting the 
barrels of oysters, and superintending 
the disinterment of the cod-fish, when 
he felt himself gently pulled by the 
skirts of the coat. Looking round, 
he discovered that the individual who 
resorted to this mode of catching his 
attention, was no other than Mr. War- 
die's favourite page : better known 
to the readers of this unvarnished 
history, by the distinguishing appella- 
tion of the &t boy. 

« Aha ! " said Mr. Pickwick. 

^ Aha I " said the fat boy. 

As he said it, he glanced from the 
cod-fish to the oyster-barrels, and 
chuckled joyously. He was fatter than 
ever. 

" Well, you look rosy enough, my 
young friend," said Mr. Pickwick 1 

** I 've been asleep, right in front of 
the tap-room fire,'^ replied the fat 
boy, who had heated himself to the 
colour of a new chimney-pot, in the 
course of an hour's nap. <* Master 
sent me over with the shay-cart, to 



carry your luggage up to the honae. 
He 'd ha' sent some saddle horses, but 
he thought you 'd rather walk : being 
a cold &y." 

«Yes, yes," ssid Mr. Pickwick, 
hastily, for he remembered how they 
had travelled over nearly the same 
ground on a previous occasion. *< Yes, 
we would rauier walk. Here, Sam 1" 

** Sir," said BIr. WeUer. 

^ Help Mr. Wardle's servant to put 
the packages into the cart, and then 
ride on with him. . We will walk for^ 
ward at once." 

Having given this direction, and 
settled with the coachman, Mr. Pick- 
wick and his three friends struck into 
the footpath across the fields, and 
walked briskly away : leaving Bir. 
Waller and tne fat boy, confronted 
together for the first time. Sam 
looked at the fat boy with great 
astonishment, but without saying a 
word; and began to stow the luggage 
rapidly away in the cart^ while the 
fat boy stood quietly by, and seemed 
to think it a very interesting sort of 
thing to see Mr. Weller working by 
himself. 

« There," said Sam, throwing in 
the last carpet-bag. ^ There they 
are!" 

** Yes," said the fStit boy, in a very 
satisfied tone, <* there they are." 

^ Yell, young twenty stun,"saidSam^ 
'* you 're a nice specimen ci a prize 
boy, you are I " 

** Thank'ee," said the fat boy. 

"You ain't got nothin' on your 
mind, as makes you fr«t yourself, have 
you I " inquired Sam. 

" Not as I knows on," replied the 
boy. 

^I should rayther ha' thought, to 
look at you, that you was a labourin' 
under an unrequited attachment to 
some young 'ooman," said Sam. 

The fat boy shook his head. 

"Yell," said Sam, << I'm glad to 
hear it Do you ever drink any- 
thm'!" 

^ I likes eating, better," replied the 
boy. 

« Ah," said Sam, « I should ha' 
s'posed that; but what I mean is. 



tHK PICKWICK CLUR 



225 



should you like a drop of anythin' as M 
warm youl but I s'pose ^ou never 
was coldy with all them elastic fixtures, 
was you 1 " 

^ Sometimes,'* replied the boy ; 
^and I Ukes a drop of something, 
when it *s good." 

*.' Oh, you do, do you 1 " said Sam, 
^ come this way, then ! " 

The Blue lion tap was soon gained, 
and the fat boy swallowed a eiass of 
liquor without so much as winking ; 
a feat which considerably advanced 
him in Mr. Weller's good opinion. 
Mr. Weller having transacted a simi- 
lar piece of business on his own ac- 
count, they got into the cart. 

^ Qm you drive 1 " said the fat boy. 

^ 1 should rayther think so," replied 
Sam. 

« There, then," said the fat boy, 
putting the reins in his hand, and 
pointing up a lane, '^ It 's as straight 
as you can go ; you can't miss it." 

. With these words, the fat boy laid 
nimself affectionately down by the side 
of the cod-fish : and placing an oyster- 
barrel under his head for a pillow, fell 
asleep instantaneously. 

« Well," said Sam, <<of all the cool 
boys ever I set my eyes on, this here 
young gen'l'm'n is the coolest. Come, 
wake up, young dropsy I " 

But as young &opsy evinced no 
symptoms of retumine animation, 
l^un Weller sat himself down in front 
of the cart, and starting the old horse 
with a jerk of the rein, jogged steadily 
on, towards Manor Farm. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Pickwick and his 
friends having walked their blood into 
active circulation, proceeded cheer- 
fully on. The paths were hard ; the 
grass was crisp and frosty ; the air had 
a fine, dry, bracing coldness ; and the 
rapid approach of the grey twilight 
(slate-coloured is a better term in 
frosty weather) made them look for- 
ward with pleasant anticipation to the 
comfprts which awaited tiiem at their 
hospitable entertainer's. It was the 
sort of afternoon that might induce a 
couple of elderly gentlemen, in a lonely 
field, to take off their great-coats and 
play at leap-frog in pure lightness of 

No. 15. 



heart and gaiety ; and we firmly be- 
lieve that had Mr. Tupman at that 
moment proffered ^ a back," Mr. Pick- 
wick would have accepted his offer 
with the utmost avidity. 

However, Mr. Tupman did not vo- 
lunteer any such accommodation, and 
the friends walked on, conversing 
merrily. As they turned into a lane 
they had to cross, the sound of many 
voices burst upon their ears ; and 
before they had even had time to 
form a guess as to whom they be- 
longed, they walked into tlie veiy 
centre of the party who were expecting 
their arrival — a fact which was first 
notified to the Pickwickians, by the 
loud ^ Hurrah," which burst from old 
Wardle's lips, when they appeartd in 
sight. 

First, there was Wardle himself, 
looking, if possible, more jolly than 
ever ; tiien there were Bella and her 
faithfiil Trundle; and, lastly, there 
were Emily and some eight or ten 
young ladies, who had all come down 
to the wedding, which was to take 
place next day, and who were in as 
happy and important a state as young 
huSiea usually are, on such momentous 
occasions ; and they were, one and all, 
startling the fields and lanes, far and 
wide, with their frolic and laughter. 

The ceremony of introduction, under 
such circumstances, was very soon 
performed, or we riiould rather say 
that the introduction was soon over, 
without any ceremony at all ; and in 
two minutes thereafter, Mr. Pickwick 
was joking with the young ladies who 
wouldn't come over the stile while he 
looked : or who, having pretty feet 
and unexceptionable anldes, preferred 
standing on the top-r^ for five mi- 
nutes or so, declaring that they were 
too frightened to move : with as much 
ease and absence of reserve or con* 
straint, as if he had known them for 
life. It is worthy of remark, too, 
that Mr. Snodgrass offered Emily far 
more assistance than the absolute ter- 
rors of the stile (although it was full 
three feet high, and had only a couple 
of stepping-stones) would seem to re- 
quire ; while one black-eyed young 



226 



POSTHUMOUS PAFEatS OF 



lady in a very nice litde pair of boote 
wi<a fur roimd the top, was observed 
to scream very loudly, when Mr. 
Winkle offered to help her over. 

AU this was very snug and pleasant : 
and when the diflficulties of the stile 
were at last sarmoiuitedy and they 
once more entered on the open field, 
old Wardle informed Mr. Pickwiek 
how they had aU been down in a body 
to inspect the fomiture and fittingsmp 
of the house, whidi the yonng coople 
were to tenant, alter the Christmas 
holidays ; at which comnranicaiion 
BeUa and Trundle both ooloored up, 
as red as the fat boy aftar the tap- 
room fire ; and the young lady wkh 
the black eyes and tihe m round the 
boots, whispered something in Emily's 
ear, and then glanced araily at Mr, 
SnodgrasB : to which Emily responded 
that she wis a foolish girl, but tamed 
▼eiy red, notwithstanding; and Mr. 
Snodgrass, who was as modest as all 
great geniuses usually are^ felt the 
crimson rising to the crown of his 
head, and dOTOutiy wished, in the 
inmoist recesses of his own heart, that 
the young lady aforesaid, with her 
black eyes, and her ardmess, and her 
boots with the fur round the top, were 
all comfortably deposited in the adja- 
cent eounbr. 

But if they were social and happy, 
outside the house, what was the warmth 
and cordiality of their reception when 
they reached ihe ferml The rery 
servants ninned with pleasure at sight 
of Mr. Pickwick ; and Emma be- 
stowed a half-demur^ half-impudent, 
and all pretty look of recognition, on 
Mr. Tupman, which was enough to 
make the statue of Bonaparte in the 
passage, unfold his arms, and clasp her 
within ^em. 

The old lady was seated in cos- 
tomary state in the front parlour, but 
she was rather cross, and, by conse- 
qvence, most particularly deaf. She 
never went out herself, and like a 
great many other old ladies of the 
same stamp, she was apt to consider 
it an act of domestic treason, if any- 
body else took the liberty of doing 
what she couldn't. So, bless her old 



I soul, she sat as upri^^t as she ooold, 
in her great chair, and looked as 
fierce as mig^t be — and that was bene- 
volent after aU. 

<« Mother," said Wardle^ << Mr. Pick- 
wick. You recollect him." 

** Never mind," replied the old lady 
with great dignity. <<Dont trooblB 
Mr. Pickwick about aa old creetor 
like me. Nobody cares about me new, 
and it's Tery nat^al they shouldn't" 
Here the old lady tossed her head, and 
smoothed down her lavender-ooloorsd 
silk dress, with trembling hands. 

«Come, oome, ma'am," said Mr. 
Pickwidc, ^ I can't let yqu out an old 
friend in this way. I have come down 
expressly to have a long talk^ and an- 
other rubber with yon ; and we '11 show 
these boys and gurls how to dance a 
minuet, before they're eight-and-forly 
hours dder." 

The old lady wis nfiSiy giving way, 
but she did not like to do it all at 
once ; so she only said, ^ Ah I I can't 
hear him." 

^Nonsense, mother," said Wardle. 
f* Come, com^ don't be cross, there 's 
a good soul. Recollect BeUa ; oome^ 
you mnst keep her spirits up, poor 
giri." 

The good old lady heard this, for 
her lip quivered as her son said it. 
But age has its little infirmitieB of 
temper, and she was not quite brought 
round yet So, she smoothed down 
the lavender-coloured dress again, and 
turning to Mr. Pickwiek said^ ^ Ah, 
Mr. Pickwick, young peofde was very 
different, when I was a gin." 

<<No doubt of that, ma'am," said 
Mr. Pickwick, ^ and that 's the reason 
why I would make much of the few 
that have any traces of the old stock," 
— and saying this, Mr. Pickwick gently 
pulled Bella towards him, and bestow- 
ing a kiss up<m< her forehead, bade 
her sit down on the little stoc^ at her 
grandmother's feet Whether the 
expression of her countenance, as it 
was raised towards the old lady's fituse, 
called up a thoueht of old times, or 
whether the old lady was touched by 
Mr. Pickwick's affectionate good na- 
ture, or whatever was the cause, she 



THE PICKWICK OLUB. 



237 



was fiuily melted ; 9a, she Hirew her- 
self on her gnrnd-daa^ia^B neek, and 
all the little UUhnmoar evaporated in 
a gash of silent tean. 

A happy pairty <hey ware, that 
ni|^ Sedate aaid solemn were the 
score of mbben in which Mr. Pick* 
wick and the old lady played togedier; 
and uproarious was the mirth of the 
round tohle. Long after the ladies 
had retired^ did the hot elder wine^ 
well qualified with hrandy and sptce^ 
go round, androondy and round again; 
and sound was the deep, and pleaaant 
were the dreaoiB that followed. It is 
a remarkahle fact, that those of Mr. 
Snodgrass bore ooDStant leferenoe to 
Emily Wardle ; and that the prindo 
pal ^gure in Mr. Winkle's Tiaiona, 
was a young lady with blaek eyes, an 
arch Bmile, and a pair of remiukably 
nice boots, with fur round the tops. 

Mr. Pifskwick waa awakened, eariy 
in the morning, by a hnm of Toioea 
and pattering of feet, sufficient to 
rouse even the fat boy from his heavy 
shunbers. He sat up in bed, and 
listened. The female servante and 
female visitors were running oon- 
stently to and fro ; and there were 
such muhitudinoua demands for waxm 
water, sodi repeated outcries for 
needles and thread, and so many 
half-suppressed enlrealies of ^'Oh, do 
come and tie meythere^s a dear 1 " that 
Mr. Pickwick in his innocence began 
to imagine that something dreadful 
most lubve occuixed: when he grew 
more awake^ and remembered the 
wedding. The occasion being an im- 
portant <me, he dressed himiiftlf with 
peculiar care, and descended to the 
breakfast room. 

There were all the female servante 
in a bran new uniform of pink mndin 
gowns with white bows in their caps, 
nmning about the house in a state of 
excitement and .agitation, whidi it 
would be impossible to describe. The 
old lady was dressed out,ina brocaded 
gown, which had not seen the lis^t 
for twenty years, savins and ezceptmg 
such truant rays as had stokn through 
the chinks in Uie box in ^niiich it had 
been bun by, during the whole time. 



Mr. TnmdQe was in faigb fMhsr and 
spiritB, but a little nervoas witbaL 
The hearty old landlord was trying to 
look very cheerful and uneoneemed, 
but friling signally in the attempt 
Afi the girls were in tears and white 
ranslin, except a select two or three, 



who were being honoured with a pri- 
vate view of the bride and brides- 
maids, up stairs. All the Pickwiokians 
were in most blooming array; and 
there was a terrific roaring on the. 
pass in front of the house, occasieoed 
by all themen, boys, and hobbledehoys 
attadied to the fimn, each of whom 
had got a. white bow in his button- 
hole, and aS of whom were cheorinff 
with might and main : being indtod 
thereunto, and stimulated therem, by 
the precept and example of Mr. 
Samuel Weller, who had managed to 
beeome mighty popular abeady, and 
was as mimh. at home as if he had 
been bom on the land. 

A wedding is a lioensed eiAject to 
joke upon, but there reaUy is no great 
joke in the matter after all; — ^we speak 
merely of the ceremony, and beg it to 
be distinctly understood that we in- 
dulge in no hidden sarcasm upon a 
manned life. Mixed up with the 
pleasure and joy of the occasion, are 
the many r^^rete at quitting home, 
the tears of parting between parent 
and cinld, the consciousness of leaving 
the dearest and kindest friends oi the 
happiest portion of human life, to 
enoounter ite cares and troubles with 
others stiU untried, and little known : 
natural feelings ^eh we wouJd not 
render this chapter moumfiil by de- 
scribing, and which we should be 
still more unwilling to be supposed to 
ridicule. 

Let us briefly say, then, that the 
ceremony was performed by the old 
clergyman, in the parish chmrdi of 
Dii^y Dell, and that Mr. Pickwick's 
name is attached to the register, still 
preserved in the vestry thereof ; that 
the young lady with the black eyes 
ngned her name in a very unsteady 
and tremulous manner; and that 
Emily's signature, as the other brides- 
maid, is nearly illegible ; that it all 

<l2 



228 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



went off in very adminble style ; tliftt 
the yonnff ladiei generally, thought it fiur 
len aho^ing than they had expected ; 
and that although the owner of the 
black eves and the arch smile informed 
l£r. Winkle that she was sure she 
could never submit to anything so 
dreadful, we have the very best rea- 
sons for tJiinlging she was mistaken. 
To all this, we mav add, that Mr. 
Pickwick was the first who saluted 
the bride : and that in so doing, he 
threw over her neck, a rich gold 
watch and chain, which no mortal 
eyes but the jeweller's had ever bdield 
before. Then, the old church bell rang 
as gaily as it could, and they all re- 
turned to breakfast 

^ Vere does the mince-pies so, young 
opium eater ! " said Mr. WelTer to the 
fat boy, as he assisted in laying out 
such articles of consumption as had 
not been duly arranged on the previous 
nidbt 

The fat boy pointed to the destina- 
tiim of the pies. 

«Wery good," said Sam, «< stick a 
bit o' Christmas in 'em. T'other dish 
opposite. There; now we look com- 
pact and comfortable, as the father 
said Ten he cut his Uttle boy's head 
off, to cure him o' squintin'." 

As Mr. Weller made the compari- 
son, he fell back a step or two, to give 
fiill effect to it, and surveyed the pre- 
parations with the utmost satifiEac- 
tion. 

^ Wardle," said Mr. Pickwick, al- 
most as soon as they were all seated, 
''a glass of wine, in honour of this 
happy occasion ! " 

^I shall be delighted, my boy," 
said Wardle. ** Joe — damn that boy, 
he 's gone to sleep." 

^ No, I ain't, sir," replied the fat 
boy, starting up from a remote comer, 
where, like the patron saint of fat boys 
— ^the inunortal Homer — he had been 
devouring a Christmas pie : though not 
with the coolness and delib^tion 
which characterised that young gentle- 
man's proceedings. 

<< Fill Mr. Pickwick's ghuss." 

« Yes, sir." 

The fat boy filled Mr. Pickwick's 



glass, and then retired behind his mas- 
ter's chair, from whence he watched 
the play of the knives and forks, and 
the progress of the choice morsels, 
from, the dishes, to the mouths of the 
company, with a kind of dark and 
gloomy joy that was most impressive. 

^ God bless you, old fellow 1 " said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

^Same to you, my boy," replied 
Wardle ; and they pledged «u!h other, 
heartily. 

« Mrs. Wardle," said Mr. Pickwick, 
^'we old folks must have a glass of 
wine together, in honour of this joyful 
event." 

The old lady was in a state of great 
grandeur just then, for she was sitting 
at the top of the table in the brocaded 
gown, with her newly-married daughter 
on one side, and Mr. Pickwick on the 
other, to do the carving. Mr. Pick- 
wick bad not spoken in a very loud 
tone, but she understood him at once, 
and drank off a full glass of wine to 
his lone life and happiness ; after 
which me worthy old soul launched 
forth into a minute and particular 
account of her own wedding, with a 
dissertation on the fashion of wearing 
high-heeled shoes, and some particu- 
lara concerning the life and adventures 
of the beautiral Lady Tollimglower, 
deceased : at all of which the old lady 
herself laughed very heartily indeed, 
and so did the young ladies too, for 
they were- wonderins among them- 
selves what on earm grandma was 
talking about. When they laughed, 
the old lady laughed ten times more 
heartily, and said that these always 
had beisn considered capital stories : 
which caused them all to laugh again, 
and put the old lady into the very 
best of humours. Then, the cake was 
cut, and passed through the ring ; and 
the young ladies saved pieces to put 
under their pillows to di^am of their 
future husbuids on ; and a great deal 
ofbluah^andmetriment was thereby 
occasioned. 

" Mr. Miller," said Mr. Pickwick to 
his old acquaintfuice, the hard-headed 
gentleman, *^ a glass of wine ? " 

<' With great satisfaction, Mr. Pick- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



229 



wick," replied the hard-headed gen- 
tleman, solemnly. 

<<Yoa'U take me inl" said the 
benevolent old clergyman. 

** And me/' interposed his wife. 

'< And me, and me/* said a couple 
of poor relations at the bottom of the 
table, who had eaten and drank very 
heardly, and laughed at everything. 

Mr. Pickwick expressed his heart- 
felt delight at every additional sug- 
gestion ; and his eyes beamed witii 
hilarity and cheerfulness. 

« Ladies and gentlemen," said Mr. 
Pickwick, suddenly rising — 

*< Hear, hear ! Hear, hear ! Hear, 
hear ! " cried Mr. WeUer, in the ex- 
citement of his feelings. 

« Call in all the servants," cried old 
Wardle, interposing to prevent the 
public rebuke which Mr. Weller would 
otherwise most indubitably have re- 
ceived from his master. " Give them 
a glass of wine each, to drink the toast 
In. Now, Pickwick." 

Amidst the silence of the company, 
the whispering of the women servants, 
and the awkward embarrassment of 
the men, Mr. Pickwick proceeded. 

" Ladies and gentlemen — ^no, I won*t 
say ladies and gentlemen, I '11 call you 
my friends, my dear friends, if the 
ladies will allow me to take so great a 
liberty" 

Here Mr. Pickwick was interrupted 
by immense applause firom the ladies, 
echoed by the gentlemen, during which 
the owner of the eyes was dutinctly 
heard to state that she could kiss that 
dear Mr. Pickwick, whereupon Mr. 
Winkle gallantly inquired if it couldn ^t 
be done by deputy : to which the young 
lady with the black eyes replied, " Gro 
away " — and accompanied tlie request 
with a look which said as plainly as a 
look could do—** if you can." 

**M^ dear friends," resmned Mr. 
Pickwick, ** I am going to propose the 
health of the bride and bridegroom — 
God bless *em (cheers and tears). My 
young &iend l^rundle, I believe to hie 
a very excellent and manly fellow ; 
and his wife I know to be a very 
amiable and lovely girl, well qualified 
to transfer to anotber sphere of action 



the happiness which for twenty years 
she has diffused around her, in her 
father's house. (Here, the fat boy 
burst forth into stentorian blubberings, 
and was led forth by the coat collar, by 
Mr. WeUer.) I wish," added Mr. 
Pickwick, ** I wish I was young enough 
to be her sister's husband, (cheers), 
but, failing that, I am happy to be old 
enough to be her father ; for, being 
so, I shall not be suspected of any 
latent designs when I say, that I 
admire, esteem, and love uiem both 
(cheers and sobs). The bride's £ather, 
our good friend there, is a noble per- 
son, and I am proud to know him 
(great uproar). He is a kind, excel- 
lent, independent-spirited, fine-hearted, 
hospitable, liberal man (enthusiastic 
shouts from the poor relations, at all 
the adjectives; and especially at the 
two last). That his daughter may 
enjoy all the happiness, even he can 
desire ; and that he may derive from 
the contemplation of her felicity all 
the gratificataon of heart and peace of 
mind which he so well deserves, is, I 
am persuaded, our united wish. So, let 
us drink their healths, and wish them 
prolonged life, and every blessing ! " 

Mr. Pickwick concluded amidst a 
whirlwind of applause ; and once more 
were the lungs of the supernumeraries, 
under Mr. Weller's command, brought 
into active and efficient operation. Mr. 
Wardle proposed Mr. Pickwick ; and 
Mr. Pickwick proposed the old lady. 
Mr. Snodgrass proposed Mr. Wardle, 
and Mr. Wardle proposed Mr. Snod- 
grass. One of the poor relations pro- 
posed Mr. Tupman, and the other poor 
relation proposed Mr. Winkle ; and 
all was happiness and festivity, until 
the mysterious disappearance of both 
the poor relations beneath the table, 
warned the party that it was time to 
adjourn. 

At dinner they met agiun, after a 
five-and-twenty mile wiUk, under- 
taken by the males at Wardle's re- 
commendation, to get rid of the effects 
of the wine at breakfast. The poor 
relations had kept in bed all day, with 
the view of attaining the same happy 
consummation, but, as they had been 



310 



POSTHUMOUS PAPEBS OF 



iinwiiiMWiflil, Ihnjr ifoppfHl thorn Ifr. 
Weller kept the domestieB in a state 
of perpetoAl biUrity ; and the fU boy 
diTidea his tnne into anall altemate 
aUotmeniB of eating and sleeping. 

The dinner iras as hearty an aibir 
as the breaJdhst, and was qpite as 
mHsy, without the tsars. Th^ came 
the dessert and some more toasts. 
Then came the tea and oofGBe ; and 
then, thebalL 

The best sitting room at Manor 
Farm was a good, long, dark-panelled 
room with a high ohimney-pieoe, and 
a capaoioas dumney, up which yon 
could hare driven one of Hhe new 
patent cabs, wheels and alL At die 
upper end of the room, seated 
in a shady bower of holly and erer- 
greens, were the two best fiddlen^and 
the onJy harp, in all Moggleton. In 
all sorts of recesses, and on all kinds 
of brackets, stood massiTe old sUver 
candlesticks with four branches each. 
The carpet was up, the candles burnt 
bright, me fire biased and crackled on 
the hearth; and merry voices and 
Hght-hearted laughter rans through 
the room. If any of the old EogliBh 
yeomen had turned into £uxses when 
they died, it was just the phMie in 
whioh they would have hela their 
revds. 

If anything could have added to the 
interest of this agreeable scene, it 
would have been the remarkable fitct 
of Mr. Pickwick's appearing without 
his gaiters, for the first time within 
the memory of bos oldest friends. 

** You mean to danoe 1 " said 
Wardle. 

« Of course I do,*' replied Mr. Pick- 
wick. ** Dcm't you see I am dressed 
for the purpose t** Mr. Pickwick 
called attention to his speckled silk 
stockings, and smartly tied pumps. 

^Fott in silk stockings 1" exclaimed 
Mr. Tupman jocosely. 

** And ' why not sir — why not I •* 
said Mr. Pickwick, turning warmly 
upon him. 

** Oh, of course there is no reason 
why you shouldn't wear them," re- 
sponded Mr. Tupman. 

« I imaicine not sir-*-I imagine not," 



said Mr* Pickwick in a wy psorani^ 
torv tone. 

Mr. Tupman had contemplated a 
laugh, but he found it was a serious 
matter; so he looked grave, and said 
they were a very pretty pattern. 

«I hope they are," said Mr. Pick- 
wick fizmg his eyes upon his friend. 
^Yon see nothing extraordinary in 
these stocUngi^ oi stockings^ I trust 
sir!" 

^ Certainly not— oh certainly not," 
replied Mr. Tupman. He walked 
away ; and Mr. Pickwick's counte- 
nance resumed its customary benign 



<< We areas ready, I believe," said 
Mr. Pickwick, who was stationed with 
the old lady at the top of the dance, 
and had already made four false starts, 
in his excessive snxiety to commence. 

« Then bc^ at once," said Wardle. 
"Now!" 

Up struck the two fiddles and the 
one harp, and o£F went Mr. Pickwick 
into hands across, when there #as a 
general dapping of hands, and a cry 
of « Stop, stop!" 

<«What's tbe matter!" said Mr. 
Pickwick, who was only brought to, by 
the fiddles and harp desistuig, and 
could have been stopped by no o^er 
earthly power, if the house had been 
on fire. 

« Where 's AzabeUa Allen t " cried 
a dozen voices. 

«And Winkle !" addecl Mr. Tupman. 

<*Here we are!" exdaimed that 
gentleman, emerging with his pretty 
companion from the comer ; as he 
did so, it wonid have been, hard to 
tell whioh was the redder in the face, 
he or the young lady with the black 



<< What an extraordinary thing it is. 
Winkle," said Mr. Pickwiek, rather 
pettishly, ^that you couldn't have 
taken your place before." 

«<Not at aS extraordmary," said 
Mr. Winkle. 

« Well," said Mr. Pickwick, with a 
very expressive smile, as his eyes 
rested on Arabella, ''well, I don't 
know that it vfoi extraordinaiy, either, 
after alL" 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



231 



HowereTy there was no time to think 
more about tiie matter, for the fiddles 
and harp began in real earnest. Airay 
went Mr. Pickwick — hands acroea^ 
down the middle to the very end of 
the room, and half way up the chim- 
ney, back again to the doot — poossette 
everywhere — loud stamp on the 
ground — ^ready for the next couple — 
off again — all the figure over once 
more — another stamp to beat out the 
time^-next couple, and the next, aad 
the next agam — ^never was such going I 
At last, after they had reached the 
bottom of the dance, and full fourteen 
oouple after the M lady had retired 
in an exhansted state, and the clergy- 
man's wife had been substituted in her 
stead, did that gentleman, when there 
was no demand whateTer on his exer- 
tions, keep perpetually dancing in his 
place, to keep time to the music: 
smiling on his partner all the while 
with a blandness of demeanour ii^iich 
. baffles all description. 

Long before Mr. Pickwick was 
weary of dancing, the newly-mazxied 
eouple had retired from ibe scene. 
There was a- glorious supper down 
stairs, notwithstanding, and a good 
Ions sitting after it ; and when Mr. 
Pickwick awoke, late the next mom^ 
ing, he had a ofmhaaed reooUectioin of 
having, severally and confidentially, 
invited somewhere about fire-and-for^ 
people to ^ne with him at the George 
. and Vulture, the very first time they 
came to London ; which Mr. Pickwick 
rightly considered a pretty certain 
indication of his having taken some- 
thing besides exiftrcisei, on the previous 
night. 

<* And so your family has games in 
the kitchen to-night, my dear, has 
they ! " inquired Sam of Emma. 

" Yes, Mr. Weller," replied Emma ; 
^'we always have on Christmas eve. 
Master wouldn't neglect to keep it up, 
on any account." 

^Your master's a wery pretty 

notion of keejdn' anythin' up, my 

dear," said Mr. WeUer; <<I never 

r see Budi a sensible sort of man as he 

is, or such a reg'lar gen'l'm'n." 

, <<Oh,thatheJaI" said the fat boy, 



joining in the conversation ; ** don't 
he breed nice pork I" and the fat 
youth gave a semi-eamiibaiic leer at 
Mr. Weller, as he tiiought of the roast 
legs and gravy. 

<* Oh, you 've woke up, at last, have 
you!" said Sam. 

The &t boy nodded. 

<< I '11 tdl you what it is, young boa 
constructer," said Mr. WeUer, im- 
pressively; ^ if you don't deep a little 
less, and exercise a little more, wen 
you comes to be a man you'U Jay 
yourself open to the same sort of per- 
sonal inconwenience as was inflicted 
on the old g^iTm'n as wore the pig- 
taiL" 

c^What did they do to him?" in- 
quired tiie &t boy, in a fidtering 
voice. 

^ I 'm a goin' to tell you," replied 
Mr. Weller ; ^ he was one o' the 
lai^gest pattoms as was ever turned 
out — ^reg'lar hit man, as hadn't caught 
a glimpse of his own shoes for five- 
amd-forty-year." 

^ Lor ! " exclaimed Emma. 

« No, that he hadn't, my dear,** said 
Mr. Weller, ''and if you'd put an 
exact model of his own legs on the 
dinin' table afore him, he wouldn't ha' 
known 'em. Well, he always walks to 
his office with a wexy handsome gdd 
watcb-chain hanging out, about a foot 
and a quarter, a^ a cold watch in his 
fob pocket as was vrorui — I 'm afraid to 



say now much, but as much as a watch 
can be — a laifge, heavy, round mana- 
faeter, as stout for a watdi, as he 
was for a man, and with a big face in 
propoa*tion. ' You 'd better not cany 
that 'ere watch,' says the old gcnl'- 
m'n's friends, ' you '11 be robbed on it,' 
saysthey. '* SSmH I ! ' says he. ' Yes, 
will you,' says they. ' Veil,' says he, 
' I should like to see the thief as oould 
get this here watch out, for I'kn 
blessed if / ever can, it 's such a tight 
fit,' says he ; 'and venever I wants to 
know what's o'clock, I'm obliged to 
stare into the bakers' shops,* he says. 
Well, then he laughs as hearty as if he 
was a goin' to pieces, and out he walks 
agin' witli his powdmd head and pig- 
tail, and rolls dbwn the Strand vith the 



232 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



chain haogin* out fnrder than ever, 
and the great round watch ahnoet 
bustin' tluough his grey kersey smalla. 
There wam't a pickpocket in all Lon- 
don as didn't take a pull at that chain, 
but the chain 'ud never break^and the 
watch 'ud never eoine out, so they 
apon got tired o' dragging sudi aheavy 
old genTm'n along me pavement, and 
he *d go home and laugh till the pig- 
tail wibrated like the penderlum of a 
Dutch dock. At last, one day the old 
genTm'n was a rollin* along, and he 
sees a pickpocket as he know'd by 
sight, a-comin' up, arm in arm vith a 
little boy vith a wery large head. 
* Here 's a game,' says the old een'l'- 
m'n to himself, 'they're a>gom' to 
have another trv, but it won*t do!' 
So he begins a chucklin' wery hearty, 
wen, all of a sudden, the httle boy 
leaves hold of the pickpocket's arm, 
and rushes headforemost straight into 
the old geuTm'n's stomach, and for a 
moment doubles him right up vith the 
pain. * Murder I ' says the old gen*l'- 
m'n. < All right, sir,' says the jnck- 
pocket, a wispeiin' in his ear. And 
wen he come straight asin', the watch 
and chain was gone, and what 's worse 
than that, the old genTm'n's digestion 
was all wrong ever artervards, to the 
wery last day of his life ; so just you 
look about you, young fcUer, and take 
care you don't get too fat" 

As Mr. Weller condnded this moral 
tale, with which the fat boy appeared 
much affected, they all three repaired 
to the large kitchen, in which the £unily 
were by this time assembled, according 
to annual custom on Chriistmas eve, 
observed by old Wardle's forefathers 
from tune immemorial. 

From the oentlre of the ceiling of « 
this kitchen, old Wardle had just sus- 
pended, witii his own hands, a huge 
branch of misletoe, and this same 
branch of misletoe instantaneously 
gave rise to a scene of general and 
most delightful struggling and confu- 
sion ; in the midst of which, Mr. Pick- 
wick, with a gallantry that would 
have done honour to a descendant of 
Ladv Tollimglower herself, took the 
old lady by the hand, led her beneath 



the mystic branch, and saluted her in 
all courtesy and decorum. The old 
lady submitted to this piece of practittl 
pohteness with all the dimity which 
befitted so important and serious a 
solemnity, but the younger ladies, not 
being so llioroughly imbued with a su- 
perstitions veneration for the custom : 
or imagining that the value of a salute 
is very much enhanced if it cost a 
little trouble to obtain it : screamed 
and struggled, and ran into comers, 
and threatened and remonstrated, and 
did everything but leave the room, 
until some of the less adventurous 
sentlemen were on the p<nnt of desist- 
mg, when they all at once found it 
UMless to resist any longer, and sub- 
mitted to be kissed with a good grace. 
Bir. Winkle kissed the young lady 
with the black eves, and Mr. Snod- 
giaas kissed Ehnily, and Mr. Weller,. 
not being particular about the form of 
being under the misletoe, kissed Emma 
and the other female servants, just as 
he canefat them. As to the poor rela- 
tions, uiey kissed everybody, not even 
excepfms the plainer portion of the 
young-lady visiters, who, in thdr ex- 
cessive confusion, ran right under the 
misletoe, as soon as it was hung up, 
without knowing it 1 Wardle stood 
with his back to the fire, surveying the 
whole scene, with the utmost satisfac- 
tion ; and the fat boy took tiie oppor- 
tunity of appropriating to his own 
use, and summarily devouring, a par* 
ticuJarly fine mince-pie, t£it hadi 
been carefully put by, for somebody 
else. 

Now, the screaming had subsided^ 
and faces were in a glow, and curls in 
a tangle, and Mr. Pickwick, after 
kissing tiie old lady as before men- 
tioned, was standing under the misletoe^. 
looJdng with a very pleased counte- 
nance on all that was passing around 
•him, when the young lady with the 
black eyes, after a httie whispering 
with the other young ladies, made a 
sudden dart forward, and, putting heir 
arm round Mr. Pickwick's neck, suuted. 
him affectionately on the left cheek ;, 
and before Mr. Pickwick distfnctiy- 
knew what was the matteri he wa» 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



233 



• Burronnded by the whole body, and 
kissed by every one of them. 

It was a pleasant thing to see Mr. 
Pickwick in the centre of the group, 
now pulled this way, and then that, 
and first kissed on the chin, and then 
on tiie nose, and then on the spectacles: 
and to hear the peals of langhter whidi 
were raised on every side ; but it was 
a still more pleasant thing to see Mr. 
Pickwick^ blinded shortly afterwards 
with a ffllk handkerchief, foiling up 
against the wall, and scrambling into 
comers, and going through aU the 
mysteries of bUndman's bufl^ with the 
utmost relish for the game, until at 
last he caught one of the poor rela- 
tions, and then had to evade the blind- 
man himself, which he did with a 
nimbleness and agility that elicited 
the admiration and applause of all 
beholders. The poor relations caught 
the people who they thought would 
like it ; and when the game flageed, 
got caught themselves. When wey 
were all tired of blind-nuui*s buff, there 
was a gi'eat game at snap-dragon, and 
when fingers enough were burned with 
that, and all the raisins were gone, 
ihey sat down, by the huge fire of 
blazing logs, to a substantifd supper, 
and a mighty bowl of wassail, some- 
thing smaller than an ordinary wash- 
house copper, in which the hot apples 
were hissmg and bubbling with a rich 
look, and a jolly sound, that were per- 
fectly irreastible. 

« This," said Mr. Pickwick, looking 
round him, ''this is, indeed, comfort." 
''Our invariable custom," replied 
Mr. Wardle. " Everybody sits sown 
with us on iDhristmas eve, as you see 
them now — servants and all; and 
here we wait» until the dock itrikes 
twelve, to usher Christmas in, and 
beguile the time with forfeits and old 
stories. Trundle, my boy, rake up tiie 
fire." 

Up flew the bright sparks in myriads 
AS the logs were stirred. The deep 
red blaze sent forth a rich glow, that 
penetrated into the furthest comer of 
the room, and cast its cheerful tint on 
every face. 
" Come," said Wardle, " a song — a 



Christmas song ! I *11 give you one, in 
default of a better." 

"Bravo I » said Mr. Pickwick. 

" Fill up," cried Wai-dle. " It will 
be two hours, good, before you see the 
bottom of the bowl through the deep 
rich colour of the wassail ; fill up all 
round, and now for the song." 

Thus saying, the merry old gentle- 
man, in a good, round, sturdy voice, 
commenced without more ado : 



A CHRISTMAS CAROL. 

I CARS not for Spring ; on his fickle wing 

Let the blossoms and buds be borne : 

He woos them amain vith hia tzeadieroaa 

rain, 
And he scatters them ere the mom. 
An inconstant elf, he knows not himself, 
Nor his own changing mind an hour. 
He 11smileinyourfaoe,and, with wry grimaoe. 
He 11 wither your youngest flower. 

Let the Summer sun to his brij^t home run. 

He shall never be sought by me ; 

When he 'a dimmed by a cloud I can laugh 

aloud. 
And care not how suUiy he be ! 
For his darling child is the madness wild 
That sports in fierce fever's train ; 
And when love is too strong, it don't last long» 
As many have found to their pain. 

A mild harvest nisht, by the tranquil light 

Of the modest and gentle moon. 

Has a far sweeter sheen, for me, I ween. 

Than the broad and unblushing noon. 

But every leaf awakens my grid. 

As it Ueth beneath the tree; 

So let Autumn air be never so tidi. 

It by no means agrees with me. 

But my song I troll out, for Christmas stout. 

The hearty, the true, and the bold ; 

A bumper I drain, and with might and main 

Give three cheers for this Christmas old ! 

We 11 usher him in with a meny din 

That shall gladden his Joyous heart, 

And we '11 keep him up, while these 's bite or 

•up. 
And in feUowahip good, we 11 part 

Li his fine honest pride, he scorns to hide, 

One Jot of his hard-weather scars ; 

They're no disgrace, for there's much the 

same trace 
On the cheeks of our bfavest tan. 
Then again I sing till the roof doth ring. 
And it echoes treat wall to wall — 
To the stout old wlg^t, fair welcome to-nlght» 
As the King of the Seasons all ! 

This song was tumultuonsly ap- 
plauded — ^for friends and dependents 
make a capital audience — and the poor 
relations, espedally, were in perfect 
ecstasies of rapture. Again was the 



234 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



fire repleokhedy and agam went tfae| 
wassail round. 

<<How it snows!" said one of the 
men, in a low tone. 

« Snows, does it V* said Wazdle. 

<< Rough, cold night, sir," replied 
the man ; ^and there *8 a wind got up, 
that drifts it across the fields^ in a 
thick white doud.*" 

^What does Jem sayl" inquired 
the old lady. ** There ain't anything 
the matter, is there V* 

** No, no, mother," replied Wardle ; 
«he says there's a snow-drift, and a 
wind tnat*s piercing cold. I should 
know that^ by the way it rumbles in 
the chimney." 

« Ah !** said the old lady, <«tfaere 
was just such m wind, and just such a 
fall of snow, a good many years back, 
I recollect— just five years before your 
poor father med. It was a Christmas 
ere, too ; and I remember that on 
that very night he told us the story 
about the goblins that carried away 
old Gabriel Grub." 

^ The story about what t" said Mr. 
Pickwick. 

^Oh, nothing— nothing," replied 
Wardle. « About an old sexton, that 



the good people down heM^ aonpoae to 
have been carried away by gobuns." 

<< Suppose 1** ejaculated the old lady. 
^ Is there any midy hardy enough to 
disbetiere it! Suppose 1 Hayen't 
you heard oyer since yon were a duld, 
that he wot earned away by the gob- 
lins, and donH yon know he was t" 

^ Very well, mother, he was, ii you 
like," said Waidle,hHighing. «He«xu 
carried away by goUins, Pickwick; 
and there 's an end of the matter." 

<< No, no," said Mr. Pickwick, <« not 
an end of it, I assure you ; for I must 
hear how, and why, and all about it." 

Wardle smiled, as every head was 
bent forward to hear ; and filling out 
the wassail with no stinted hand, nod- 
ded a health to Mr. Piekwicl^ and 
bmn as foUows : — 

But bless onr editorial heart, what a 
kog chapter we have been betrayed 
into I We had quite forgotten all such 
petty restridions as chapterai, we 
solemnly declare. So bwe goes, to 
giye the goblin a fair start in a new 
one ! A dear stigeand no fiavour for 
the goUins, ladies and gentlemen, if 
you ptoaao. 



CHAPTER XXEC. 

CHS nOBT OF THB OOBLINS WHO STOLE A BBXlOir. 



<< III an old abbey town, down in this 
part of the country, a long, long while 
ago — so long, that the story must be a 
true one, because our great gxand- 
fSathers implidtiy believed it — there 
officiated as sexton and grave-digger in 
the cfaurchjrard, one Gabriel Grub. 
It by no means follows that because a 
man is a sexton, and constantly sur- 
rounded by emblems of morUdi<y, 
therefore he should be a morose and 
melancholy man ; your undertakers 
are the merriest fellows in the world ; 
and I on^e had the honour of being on 
intimate terms with a mute, who in 
private lifoyand off doty, was as comical 
and joeofe a Uttle Mlow aaover chii^ped 



out a devil-may-cax« song, without a 
hitch in hismemoiy,or drained off the 
contents of a good stiff glass witiiont 
stopping for br«Uh. But, notwithstand- 
ing these precedents to tfaie eontraryy Ga- 
briel Grub was an ill-conditioned, cross- 
grained, surly fellow — a morose and 
k>nelv man, ndio consorted with nobody 
but himseif, and an old wicker bottle 
which fitted into his large deep waist- 
coat pocket— and who eyed each merry 
£Mse, as it p a s s ed him by, with such a 
deep scowl of malice and ill-humour, 
as it was difficult to meet, without feel- 
ing something the worse for. 

<< A little before twilight, one CSui^t- 
masEve, Gabriel shouldered his q»ade^ 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



2B5 



lifted his laatom, Mid betook himself 
towards the old churchyard; for he 
had got a graTO to iiiilsh by next morn- 
ing, and, feeling very low, he thought it 
might raLse his spirits, perhaps, if he 
weiBt on with his work at <mee. As he 
went, his way, up the ancient street, 
he saw the cheerAil light of the Uaaing 
fires gleam through the old easements, 
and heard the loud laugh and the 
cheerful shouts of those who were 
assembled aronnd them; he marked 
the bustling preparations for next 
day's cheer, and smelt the numerous 
saTonxy odours consequent thereupon, 
flb they steamed up £rom tiie kitchen 
windows in ckmds. All this was gall 
and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel 
Grub ; and when groups of children, 
bounded out of the houses, tripped 
across the road, and were met, before 
they could knock at the opposite door, 
by half a doxen curly*headed tittle 
rascals who crowded round them as 
they flocked up stauns to spend the 
evening in their Christmas games, 
Gabriel smiled grimly, and clutched 
the handle of his spade with a firmer 
erssp, as he thought of measles, scarlet- 
fever, thrush, hooping>oonf^, and a 
good many other sources of consolation 



^ In this happy frame of mind, Ga- 
briel strode afong : returning a short, 
sullen growl to the good*hinnottred 
greetings of such of his neighbours as 
now and then pfMsed him : until he 
turned into the daric lane which led to 
the ehurehyard. Now, Gabriel had 
been looking forward to rearhiTig the 
dark lane, because it was, generally 
speaking, a nice, gkemy, moomfid 
place, into wfaidi tiie town«-people did 
notmuch care to go, except in broad 
day*light, and whenihe sun was shin- 
ing; consequently, he was not a little 
indignant to heara young nrchin roar- 
ing out some jolly song iSbout a many 
Christmas, in ina very sanctuary, 
which had been called Coffin Lane oyer 
since the days of the old abbey, and the 
time of the shayen-headed monks. As 
Gabriel walked on, and the Toiee drew 
nearer, he found it proceeded from a 
small boy, who was hnnying aloogy to 



join one of the little parties in the old 
street, and who, partly to keep himself 
company, and purtly to prepare him- 
self for the occasion, was shoutang out 
the song at the highest pitch of his 
famgs. So Gabriel waited until the boy 
came up, and then dodged him into a 
comer, and rapped him over the head 
with his lantern five or six times, 
to teach him to modulate his voice. 
And as the boy hurried away with his 
hand to his head, singing quite a dif- 
forent sort of tune, &briel Grub 
chuckled very heartily to himself, and 
entered the churchyard: locking the 
gate behind him. 

^ He took ofif his coat, put down his 
lantern, and getting into the unfinished 
grave, worked at it, for an hour or so, 
with right good wilL But the eaith 
was haraen^ with the frosty and it was 
no very easy matter to break it up, 
and shovel it out ; and although there 
was a moon, it was a very young one, 
and shed tittle tight upon the grave, 
\riiieh was in the tfiadow of the church. 
At any other time, these obstacles 
would have made Gabriel Grub very 
moody and misevable, but he was so 
well pleased with having stopped the 
small boy's singiiig, that he took tittle 
heed of the scanty progress he had 
made, and looked down into the grave, 
when he had finished work for the 
night, with grim satisfaction t murmur- 
ing as he gathered up his things : 

BntB lodgings for one, bzate lodgings for ono, 
A fsw feet of oold earth, ivIibd life is done ; 
A siMM at the head, a sUme at the feet^ 
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat ; 
HBxik araas overhead, and damp day around, 
Brave lodgings for one, these, in hatygnrnttd I 

« < Ho ! ho 1 ' kughed Gabriel Grub, 
as he sat himself down on a flat tomb- 
stone which was a favourite resting- 
place of his; and drew forth his wicker 
bottle. < A coffin at Christmas ! A 
Christmas Box. Ho ! ho ! ho ! ' 

<< < Ho I ho I ho I ' repeated a voice 
which sounded dose behind him. 

« GflJ}riel paused, in some alarm, in 
the act of raising the wicker bottle to 
his tips : and looked round. The bot- 
tom of the oldest grave about him, was 
not more still and quiet, than the 



236 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



churchyard in the pale moonlight The 
cold hoarfrost gliatened on the tomb- 
stones, and spanded, like rows of gemsy 
amonff the stone carvings of the old 
church. The snow Uy luurd and crisp 
upon the ground ; and spread oyer the 
thickly-strewn mounds of earth, so 
white and smooth a cover, that it 
seemed as if corpses lay there, hidden 
only by th«r winding sheetB. Not the 
faintest rustle broke the profound tran- 
quillity of the solemn scene. Sound 
itself appeared to be frozen up, all was 
so cold and stiU. 

<< < It was the echoes,' said Gabriel 
Grub, raising the bottle to his lips again. 

^ ' It was not^ said a deep voice. 

^Grabriel started up, and stood 
rooted to the spot with astonishment 
and terror ; for lys eyes rested on a 
form that made his blood run cold. 

''Seated on an upright tombstone, 
close to him, was a strange unearthly 
figure, whom Grabriel felt at once, was 
no being of this world. His long fan- 
tastic legs which might have reached 
the ground, were cocked up, and 
crossed after a quaint, fuitastic 
fashion ; his nnewy arms were bare ; 
and his hands rested on his knees. 
On his short round body, he wore a 
close covering, ornamented with small 
slashes ; a short cloak dangled at 
his back ; the collar was cut into 
curious peaks, which served the goblin 
in lieu of ruff or neckerchief ; and his 
shoes curled up at the toes into long 
points. On his head, he wore a broad- 
brimmed sugar-loaf hat, garnished 
with a single feather. The hat was 
covered with the white frost ; and the 
goblin looked as if he had sat on the 
same tombstone very comfortably, for 
two or three hundred years. He 
was sitting perfectly still ; his tongue 
was put out, as if in derision ; and 
he was grihning at Grabriel Grub with 
such a grin as only a goblin could 
call up. 

'* ' It was not the echoes,' said the 
goblin. 

*' Gabriel Grub was paralysed, and 
could make no reply. 

« f What do you do here on Christ- 
mas Eve ! ' said the goblin sternly. 



^'^ I came to dig a grave, sir/ stam- 
mered Grabriel Grub. 

** * What man wanders among graves 
and churdiyards on such a night as 
this ! ' cried the goblin. 

«<<Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!* 
screamed a wild chorus of Toices that 
seemed to fill the churchyard. Gra- 
briel looked fearfully round — nothing 
was to be seen. 

<'*What have vou got in that 
bottle ! ' said the goblin. 

f Hollands, sir," replied the sex- 
ton, trembling more than ever ; for he 
had bought it of the smugglers, and he 
thought that perhaps Us questioner 
might be in the excise department of 
the goblins. 

** * Who drinks Hollands alone, and 
in a churchyard, on such a nig^t as 
this r said the goblin. 

<"< Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!* 
exclaimed the wild Toices again. 

** The goblin leered mahciously at 
the terrified sexton, and then raising 
his Toice, exclaimed : 

** < And who, then, is our fair and 
lawful prize ! ' 

*f To this inquiry the invisible cho- 
rus replied, in a strain that sounded 
like the voices of many choristers 
singing to the mighty swell of the old 
church organ — a strain that seemed 
borne to the sexton*s ears upon a 
wild wind, and to die away as it 
passed onward — ^but the burden of the 
reply was still the same, 'Gabriel 
Grub! Gabriel Grub!* 

** The goblin grinned a broader grin 
than before, as he said, < Well, Gabriel, 
what do you say to this t' 

** The sexton gasped for breath. 

<<< What do you think of this, Ga- 
briel I ' said the goblin, kicking up lus 
feet in the air on either side of the 
tombstone, and looking at the tumed- 
up points with as much complacency 
as if he had been contempUuting the 
most fiMhionable pair of WeUingtons 
m aU Bond Street. 

*«*It*s — it's — very curious, sir,* 
replied the sexton, half dead with 
fnght; ' very curious, and very pretty, 
but I think 1 11 go back and finish my 
work, sur, if yon please.' 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



237 



<<<Work P Bftid the goblin, ^what 
work ! ' » 

^ < The grBTe, flir ; maloDg the grave/ 
stammered the sexton. 

«<0h, the graye, ehT said the 
goblin; * who makes grares at a time 
when all other men are laerryf and 
takes a pleasure in it 1 ' 

^ Agun the mysterious Toioes re- 
plied, 'Gabriel Grub ! Gabriel Grub 1' 

'' < I 'm afraid my friends want you, 
Gabriel,' said the goblin, thrusting his 
tongue fnrtlier into his cheek than 
«yer — and a most astonishing tongue it 
was — ^'I'm afraid my friends want 
you, Grabriel,' said the goblin. 

<<' Under farour, sir,' replied the 
horror-stricken sexton, * 1 don't think 
they can, sir ; they don't know me, 
sir ; I don't think Uie gentlemen have 
ever seen me, sir.' 

«*0h yes they have,' replied the 
goblin ; * we know the man with the 
sulky face and the grim scowl, that 
came down the street to-night, throw- 
ing his eril looks at the duldren, and 
grasping his burying spade the tighter. 
We know the man who struck the boy 
in the enrious malice of his heart, 
because the boy could be merry, and 
he could not. We know him, we 
know him.' 

" Here, the goblin gaye a loud shrill 
laugh, which the echoes returned 
twentyfold : and throwing his legs up 
in the ur, stood upon his hei^, or 
rather upon the yery point of Ins sugar- 
loaf hat, on the narrow edge of the 
tomb-stone : whence he threw a sum- 
merset with extraordinary agility, 
right to the sexton's feet, at which he 
planted himself in the attitude in 
which tailors generally sit upon the 
shopoboard. 

"*I — I— am afraid I must leaye 
you, sir,' said the sexton, making an 
effort to moye. 

*( < Leaye us !' said the goblin, * Gra- 
briel Grub going to leaye us. Ho ! 
ho! ho!' 

'* As the goblin laughed, the sAxton 
obsenred, for one instant, a brilliant 
illumination within the windows of 
the church, as if the whole building 
were lighted up ; it disappeared, the 



organ pealed forth a liyely air, and 
whole troops of goblins, the yery coun- 
terpart of the first one, pourad into 
the churchyard, and began playing at 
leap-frx)g unth the tomlwtones : neyer 
stoppix^ for an instant to take breath, 
but ' oyering' the highest among them, 
one after 3ie other, with the most 
maryellous dexterity. The first goblin 
was a most astonishing leaper, and 
none of the others comd come near 
him; eyen in the extremity of his 
terror the sexton could not help ob- 
serying, that while his friends were 
content to leap oyer the common-sized 
gravestones, the first one took the 
family vaults, iron railings and all, 
with as much ease as if they had been 
so many street posts. 

At laist the game reached to a most 
exciting pitch ; the organ played 
quicker and quicker ; and the goblins 
leaped iaster and faster : coiling them- 
selves up, rolling head over heels upon 
the ground, and bounding over the 
tombstones like foot-baUs. The sex- 
ton's brain whirled round with the 
rapidity of the motion he beheld, and 
his legs reeled beneath him, as the 
spirits flew before his eyes : when the 
goblin king, suddenly darting towards 
him, laid & hand upon his collar, and 
sank with him through the earth. 

<< When Gabriel Grub had had time 
to fetch his breath, which the rapidity 
of Ins descent had for the moment 
taken away, he found himself in what 
appeared to be a large cavern, sur- 
rounded on all sides by crowds of 
goblins, ugly and grim ; in the centre 
of the room, on an elevated seat, was 
stationed his friend of the churchyard ; 
and dose beside him stood Gabriel 
Grub himself, without the power of 
motion. 

<<<Cold to-night,' said the king of 
the goblins, *very cold. A glass of 
something waim, here ! ' 

''At this command, half a dozen 
officious goblins, with a perpetual smilo 
upon their faces, whom Gabriel Grub 
imagined to be courtiers, on that ac- 
oount, hastily disappeared, and pre- 
sently returned with a goblet of liquid 
fire, which they presented to the king. 



288 



POSTHUMOTOI PAFEB8 OF 



M< Ahl' ornd the goblm, whoM 
diMki and throai iram tmmftannt, 

•a he to— cd down the flame, * This 
warms ODe^ indeed 1 Bring a bvnper 
of the same, for Mr. Orub.T 

^li was in vain for the milbrtanaite 
sexton to pr o t est thsi he was not in 
the habit of taking anytiiing warm at 
night; one of the goblins held him 
vmSi^ another poored the biasing liquid 
down his thnM*; the whole aasem- 
blj soreeebed with IsnshtBr as he 
coughed and choked, and wiped awaj 
the tears whidi gashed (Aentinilly firom 
his ejes, after swattowing the burning 
drasght. 

<< < And now/ said the kmg, faatas- 
ticaUy poking the taper comer of his 
sarar-loaf hat into the sexton's eye^ 
and thereby ooeasbning him the most 
exqvisite pain : * And now, show the 
man of misery and gloom, a fowof ilie 

Eictnres firam onr own great store- 
ouse 1' 

**Am the gobUn SMd this, a thick 
ckmd which obsonred the remoter end 
of Ibe caTem, rolled gradually away, 
and disclosed, iqiparently at a great 
distance, a small smd scantily furnished, 
but neat and dean apartment. A 
crowd of httie children were gatheied 
round a bright fire, clinging to their 
mother's gown, and gambolling around 
her chair. The mother occasionally 
rose, and drew aside the 'Window-curw 
tain, as if to look for- some expected 
object ; a frugal meal^eas readT i^read 
upon the taiUe ; and an elbow chau* was 

Ekoed near tibe fire. A knock was 
card at the door: the mother opened 
it, and the children crowded round 
her, and dapped their hands for joy, 
as their fatibier entered. He was wet 
and weary, and shook the snow from 
his garments, as the children crowded 
ixnmd him, and seizing his doak, hat, 
stick, and gloyes, with busy seal, ran 
with them from the room. Thai, as 
he sat down to his meal before the 
fire, the children climbed about his 
knee, and the mother sat by his side, 
and all seemed happinees and comfort 
^ But a change came upon the view, 
almost imperceptibly, llie scene was 
altered to a small bed-room, where the 



lidnBt and yoongesi child Undying; 
the roses had fled from his cheel^ snd 
the lig^t from his eye ; and even as the 
sexton looked upon him with an int^ 
rest he had never fdt or known before, 
he died. His yomup brothers snd 
sisters crowded round his little bed, 
and seized his tiny hand, so cold and 
heavy ; but they shrunk back from its 
toudi, and lowed with awe on his 
infimt Imc ; for calm and tranquil as 
it waa^ and deeeing in rest and peaoe 
as the beautiful child seemed to be, 
they saw that he was dead, and they 
knew that he was an Angd looking 
down upon, and blessing item, frmn a 
bri|^t and haiMpy Heaven. 

** Aeain the ng^ cloud passed aerees 
the picture, and again the siibject 
changed. The father and mother were 
old and helpless now, and the number 
of those about them was dimimshed 
more than half; but content and 
cheerfi^ess sat on eveiy Imc, and 
beamed in evsrv eye, as they enmded 
round the flredde, and told and listened 
to old stories of earlier and bygone 
days. Slowly and peacefully, the father 
sank into the grave, and, soon ailer^ 
the diarer of au his cares and troubles 
followed him to a place of rest. The 
few, who yet survived them, kndt 
by their tomb, and watered the green 
turf ^rfuch covered it with their 
tears; then rose, and turned away; 
sadly and mournfully, but not with 
bitter cries, or deepairmg lamentations, 
for they knew tlwt they dioidd one 
day meet again ; and once [more they 
mixed with the busy world, and their 
content and cheerfulness were restored. 
The doud settled upon the picture, and 
concealed it from me sexton's view. 

<<< What do you think ottkaiV said 
the goblin, turning his large faoe to- 
wards Gabriel Grub. 

<< Gabriel murmured out something 
about its being verv pretty, and looked 
somewhat ashamed, as the goblin bent 
his fienr eyes upon him. 

^ * lou a miserable man ! ' said the 
goblin, in a tone of excessive con- 
tempt * You 1 ' He appeared dis- 
posed to add more, but indignation 
choked his utterance, so he lined up 



THB PICKWICK CLUB. 



239 



one of his rery jAiAble legs, and flon- 
rishing it alK>Ye his head a little, to 
insoore his aimf adimiustered a good 
soond kick to Gabriel Gmb ; imme- 
diately after which, all the gdtrfiss in 
waitings crowded romid the wretched 
sexton, and kidLed him without mercy: 
according to the established and inra- 
riable cnstom of courtiers upon earth, 
who kick whom royalty kicks, and hug 
whom royalty hugs. 

^* Show ium some move ! ' said the 
king of the goblms. 

<<At these words, the ckmd was 
again dispelled, and a rich and beauti- 
ful landscape was disclosed to view — 
there ia just sndi another, to this day, 
within half a mile of the old abbey 
town. The sun shene from out the 
clear blue sl^, the water sparided 
beneath his rays, and the trees looked 
greener, and the flowers more gay, 
beneath his cheering influence* The 
water rippled on, with a pleasant 
sound ; the trees rustled in the lig^t 
wind that murmured among their 
leaves ; the birds sans upon the boughs; 
and the lark caroUed on high, her 
welcome to the morning. Yes, it was 
momihg : the bright, balmy moming 
of summer; the minutest leaf, the 
snullest blade of graas^ was instinct 
with life. The ant crept forOi to h«r 
daily toil, the butterfly fluttered and 
basked in the warm rays of the sun ; 
myriads of insects spread their trans* 
parent wings, and revelled in their 
brief but happy existence. Man 
walked forth, elated with the scene ; 
and all was brightness and splendour. 

" ' Ton a miserable man ! ' said the 
king of the goblins, in a more con- 
temptuous tone than before. And 
again the king of the goblins gave his 
leg a flourish ; again it descended on 
the shoulders of 2ie sexton ; and again 
the attendant goblins imitaited the ex- 
ample of their ddefl 

^ Many a time the cloud went and 
came, and many a lesson it taught 
to Gabriel Grub, who, although his 
shoulders smarted with pain frtmi 
the frequent applications of the gob- 
Im's feet, looked on with an intmst 
that nothing could diminish. He 



saw that men who worked haid, and 
earned their scanty bread with lives 
of labour, were cheerfid and happy ; 
and that to the most ignorant, liie 
sweet face of nature was a nev«p4iul- 
ing source of cheerfulness and joy. 
He saw those vdio had been dehealely 
nurtured, and tenderly bron^ up, 
cheerful under privations, and superior 
to sufiering, that would have crushed 
many of a rougher grain, because they 
bote within their own bosoms the ma- 
terials of happiness, cimtentment, and 
peace. He saw that women, the ten- 
derest and most fragile of all God's 
creatures, were the oflenest rtiperior 
to sonrow, adversity, and distareas; 
and he saw that it was because they 
bore, in their own hearts^ an inex- 
haustible welUqpring of affection and 
devotion. Above all, he saw that 
men like himself, who anaried at the 
mirth and eheerfUness of oUiers, were 
the foulest weeds on the fair snrfece df 
the eartii ; and setting all the good of 
the werid against the evil, he came to 
the eoDclnsion thai it was a very decent 
and respectable sort of world after alL 
No sooner had he formed it, than the 
ckiud whidi had dosed over the last 
pictoze, seemed to settle on his senses, 
and hdl him to repose. One by one, 
the gd)lins faded from his mght; and 
as the last one disi^peared, he sunk 
to sleep. 

** The day had broken when Gabriel 
Grub awoke, and found himself lying, 
at foil lengtii on the flat grave-stone 
in the churchyard, with tiie wicker 
bottle lying empty by his side, and 
his coat, spade, and lantern, all well 
whitened by tiie last night's frt)st, 
scattered on the ground. The stone 
on which he liad first seen the goblin 
seated, stood bolt upright before him, 
and the grave at which he had worked, 
the nidit before, was not far off. At 
first, he began to doubt the reality 
of his adventures, but the acute pain 
iQ his shoulders when he attempted to 
rise, assured him that the kicking of 
the goblins was certainly not ideaL 
He was staggered again, by observing 
no traces of footsteps in the snow on 
which the goblins had played at leap- 



240 



POSTHUMOUS PAPER9 OF 



frog with the gmye-etonefly but he 
speedily accounted for this circum- 
stance when he remembered that^being 
spirits, thev would leare no visible 
impression behind them. So, Gabriel 
Grub sot on his feet as well as he 
could, lor the pain in his back ; and 
brushing the frost off his coat, put it 
on, and turned his face towards the 
town. 

^But he was an altered man, and 
he could not bear the thought of re- 
turning to a phuse where his repentance 
would be scoffed at, and his refonna- 
tion disbelieved. He hesitated for a 
few moments ; and then turned awav 
to wander where he might, and seek 
his bread elsewhere. 

<<The lantern, the spade, and the 
wicker bottle, were found, that day, in 
the churchywd. There were a great 
many speculations about the sexton's 
late, at first, but it was speedily deter- 
mined that he had been carried away 
by the goblins ; and there were not 
wanting some very credible witnesses 
who had distinctly seen him whisked 
through the air on the back of a chest- 
nut horse blind of one eye, with the 
hind-quarters of a lion, and the tail of 
a bear. At length all this was de- 
voutly believed ; and the new sexton 
used to exhibit to the curious, for a 
trifling emolument, a good-sized piece 
of the church weathercock which had 
been accidentally kicked off by the 
aforesaid horse in his ais'rial flight, and 
picked up by himself in the church- 
yard, a year or two afterwards. 



^ Unfortunately, these stories were 
somewhat disturbed by the unlooked- 
for re-appearance of Grii)riel Grub him- 
self, some ten years afterwards, a 
ragged, contented, rheumatic old man. 
He told his story to the clergyman, 
and also to the mayor ; and in course 
of time it began to be received, as a 
matter of history, in which form it has 
continued down to this very dav. The 
believers in the weathercock tale, 
having misplaced their confidence 
once, were not eaaly prevailed upon 
to part with it again, so they looked as 
wise as Hiey ooul(^ shrugged their 
shoulders, touched their fordieads, 
and murmured something about Ga- 
briel Grub having drunk all the 
Hollands, and then fallen asleep on 
the flat tombstone ; and they affected 
to explain what he supposed he bad 
witnessed in the goblin's cavern, by 
saying that he had seen the world, and 
grown wiser. But this opinion, which 
was by no means a popular one at 
any time, gradually died off ; and be 
the matter how it may, as Gabriel 
Grub was afiSicted with rheumatism to 
the end of his days, this story has at 
least one moral, if it teach no better 
one— and that is, that if a man turn 
sulky and drink by himself at Christ- 
mas time, he may make up his mind 
to be not a bit the better for it: let the 
spirits be never so good, or let them be 
even as many degrees beyond proof, 
as those which Gabriel Grub saw in 
the goblin's cavern." 



CHAPTER XXX. 



HOW THE PICKWICKIAN8 MADE AND CULTIVATED THE ACQUAINTANCE OP ▲ 
COUPLE OF NICE TOUNO MEN BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PRO- 
FESSIONS ; BOW THET DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE ; AND HOW 
THEIR VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION. 



<' Well Sam," said Mr. Pickwick as 
that favoured servitor entered his bed- 
chamber with his warm water, on the 
morning of Christmas l>ay, '' Still 
frosty ? " 



^ Water in the wash-hand basin 's a 
mask o' ice, sir," responded Sam. 

*< Severe weather, Sam." observed 
Mr. Pickwick. 

^ Fine time for them as is well 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



241 



ivropped up, as the Polar Bear said to 
himself, Yen he was practisuig his 
skaiting," replied Mr. Weller. 

<* I eSaU be down in a quarter of an 
hour, Sam/' said Mr. Pickwick, unty- 
ing his nightcap. 

** Wery good, sir," replied Sam. 
^ There 's a couple o' Sawbones down 
st^rs." 

^ A couple of what ! " exclaimed Mr. 
Pickwick, sitting up in bed. 

^ A couple o* Sawbones," said Sam. 

'^ What's a Sawbones!" inquired 
Mr. Pickwick, not quite certain whe- 
ther it was a Uve animal, or something 
to eat 

<* What ! donH you know what a 
Sawbones is, ar 1 " inquired Mr. Wel- 
ler ; ^ I thought everybody know'd as 
a Sawbones was a Surgeon." 

'' Oh, a Surgeon, eh ! " said Mr. 
Pickwick with a smile. 

« Just that, sir," replied Sam. 
*^ These here ones as is below, though, 
aint reg'lar thorough-bred Sawbones ; 
they *re only in trainin'." 

<<In other words they're Medical 
Students, I suppose 1 " said Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

Sam Weller nodded assent. 

'< I am glad of it," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, casting his nightcap energeticaUy 
<m the counterpane, ^ They are fine 
fellows ; very fine fellows ; with judg- 
ments matured by observation and 
reflection ; and tastes refined by read- 
ing and study. I am very glad of it." 

<* They 're a smokin' cigars by the 
kitchen fire," said Sam. 

« Ah ! " observed Mr. Pickwick, 
rubbing his hands, ^ overflowing with 
kindly feelings and animal spirits. Just 
what I like to see ! " 

*' And one on 'em/* said Sam, not 
noticing his master's interruption, 
^ one on 'em's got his legs on the table, 
and is a drinkin* brandy neat, vile the 
tother one — ^him in the barnacles — ^has 
got a barrel o' oysters atween his 
knees, wich he 's a openin' like steam, 
and as fast as he eats *em, he takes a 
aim vith the shells at young dropsy, 
who 's a sittin' down fast asleep, in the 
chimbley comer." 

*' Eccentricities of genius, dam," 

No. 16. 



said Mr. Pickwick.. <<Yoa may 
retire." 

Sam did retire accordingly ; Mr. 
Pickwick, at the expiration of the 
quarter of an hour, went down to 
breakfast. 

^ Here he is at last !" said old 
Wardle. << Pickwick, this is Miss 
Allen's brother, Mr. JSenjamin Allen 
— Ben we call him, and so may you if 
you like. This gentleman is his very 
particular friend, Mr. — ^*' 

^ Mr. Bob Sawyer," interposed Mr. 
Benjamin Allen ; whereupon Mr. Bob 
Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen 
laugned in concert. 

Mr. Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, 
and Bob Sawyer bowed to Mr. Pick- 
wick ; Bob and his very particular 
friend then applied themselves most 
assiduously to the eatables before 
them ; and Mr. Pickwick had an oppor- 
tunity of glancing at them both. 

Mr. B^jamin Allen was a coarse, 
stout, thick-set young man, with black 
hair cut rather short, and a white face 
cut rather long. He was embellished 
with spectacles, and wore a white 
neckerdiief. Below his single-breasted 
black surtout, which was buttoned up 
to his chin, appeared the usual number 
of pepper-and-salt coloured legs, ter- 
minating in a pair of imperfectly po- 
lished boots. Although his coat was 
short in the sleeves, it disclosed no 
vestige of a linen wristband ; and al- 
though there was quite enough of his 
face to admit of the encroachment of 
a shirt collar, it was not graced by the 
smallest approach to that appendage. 
He presented, altogether, ramer a mil- 
dewy appearance: and emitted a fra- 
grant odour of full-flavoured Cubas. 

Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in 
a coarse blue coat, which, without 
being either a great-coat or a surtout, 
partook of the nature and qualities of 
both, had about him that sort of 
slovenly smartness, and swaggering 
gait, which is peculiar to young gentle- 
men who smoke in the streets by day, 
shout and scream in the same by night, 
call waiters by their christian name8,and 
do various other acts and deeds of an 
equally facetious description. He wore 



242 



POSTHUMOUS PABERS OF 



a piur of plaid t roii a e w, and a large 
roug^ double-breasted waistcoat ; and 
out of doers, carried a ihidc stick with 
a big top. He eschewed gloves^ and 
looked, upon -the whole, something like 
a dismpated Robinson Crusoe. 

Such were the two worthies to whom 
Mr. Pickwiek was intrednoed, >a8 he 
took his seat at the 'bfeal^Mt taUe on 
ChristflDas' monung* 

^Splendid inormng,g«»tlemeB/< said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

Mr. Boh 8awye» tXfgbAy noddedrhls 
assent to the. proposition, and asked 
Mr* -BenJamiiL Alien fo^ the mustsnL' 

'^ave you come fina* this moning^' 
gevOefam ! " inquired Mr. ^PidkwidD. 

«c Btaib Lion at Mug^olon/' brie^' 
responded Mr. Aliens 

<<Yoh siHNild have j<^ed«-fis kst> 
night," said Mr. Pickwiek. 

<< So we Bheidd,*' relied Bohi Saw« 
yer, " but tiie brandy was 'too good to 
leaire in a hurry : wasn't it, Ben !" 

'< Certainly," said Mr* Benjamin 
Allen t ^ >iid the cigars were not bad,* 
or ^e pork chops either ;- weve-^ie^ 
Boh?" 

«De^de^' not," saad^ Bob. The 
paotieehir friends resimiedtheup attach 
upon the breakfast, mo!re-*frediy than 
betore> as if the reoc^eetion of last 
night's supper had imparted a new 
re&h to the meaL 

**Feg away. Bob," taid Mr. Alkn 
to his companion, enoeuraginglT. 

<<So I do," replied Bob Satryer. 
And so, to do him justice, he didi 



the list ^ is neody 'fillip only •▼e««M^t 
get hold of any fellow .that wants:* 
head. I wish you 'd take it." 

« No," replied Bohfiawyer; ^caoH 
afford* expensiTe luxuries^?' ' 

<< Nonsense 1 " said AUob. - 

<< Can't indeed," tejoiMd Boh Saw- 
yer." ^ I wooMn't minda brainybut I 
couldn't stand a whole head." 

** Hnefai hush, gentleiMB, fKt^^ said 
Mr. Pickwick,.<<I-hettn,tiieiadiea.'^ 

As Mv. "PUAmitk spdce^thejladiei^ 
ga&BHtiir' escovtsd by Mssarss- Snod- 
grasii Wiahle, and Tupma%. retnxmed 
mnn an «a»ly 'waUbt .' 

« Why, Ben I" said Arabella, m a 
tone which expressed' more surprise 
thanrpleasursiat the: sif^ tof f.hsr . 
brother; 

^ Come to itafaB.yoii *hoiDe>.to4BfMP' 



tow/* Ycnlied Benjamin;-!. 

Mr. Winkle tunssdpale. 

f' Don't you see Bob Satryer, Ax%- 
beUal " inqi^Ded.Mr. Beajanwi Allrtn, 
so n ww ha i t reproadiliilly. . AndieHa 
ffraeefully held out ther handy- in ae*.. 
knowledgment. of Bob 'Sawyer's me- 
senee.' A thrill ef hailred stmdK to 
• Mr. Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer 
inflicted on iheproffered htad a per- 
ceptible squeeost 

« Ben dear ! " said ArabeUa^ blurfi- 
ing.; ^ haTe-^^ave'-i-yon been intro^ 
dueed to Mr. Winkle I " 

"1 hare not <beeo^ butl shaH be> 
yei^ happy, to be, ArabeUa,^ replied 
her biothe(r.grsvely. Here.Mr* Allen 
bowed •grimly to Mn Winkle, -.while 



<< Nothing like dissecting, to give Mr. Winkle and Mif^i.Bob Sawyer 



one an appetite/' said Mr. Bob Saw- 
yer, loolang round the table. 

Mr. Pickwick slightly shuddered. 

« By tiie bye. Bob," taid Mri Alien, 
^ have you finished that leg yet t " 

^ Nearly," replied Sawyer, hdlping 
himself to half a fowl as hespoke» 
^It's a very muscular one for a 
child's." 

<<Isit!" inquired Mri AUen^care- 
lesdy. 

^ Very," said Bob Sawyer, wiih his 
month foil. 

<^ I 'ye put ny name- down fSor an 
arm, at our place," said Mr. Allen. 
<' W#'re chriiibmg for « sabjeet^ and 



glanced mutual distrust, out • of the 
comers of their eyes* 

The srriTal of the twe neW) vimtomi 
and the consequent .check upon Mr.- 
Winkle and the young lad^.with the 
fur round her boots, wosldm all .pro^ 
bability have prored a T«ry unpleasant 
interruption to the hilarity ef the par^, 
had not the<Gheerfnlnessof Mr. -Pick- 
wick, and the good humcnr of the host, 
been exerted to ^hevery utmost for 
the common weaL • Mr. Winkle gr^ 
dually insmuated himself into the good 
graces of Mr. Benjamin Allei^ and 
even joined in a friendly conversation 
with' Mr. Boh Sawyer ; who^enliTened 



THB TIOKWICK tJBtJB, 



2a 



and iii«r ialkiriii^y'gradBally iripetaed into 






m state* of «etreoiie &«e(ioii8DW8f«iidi his left leg, and entfifigam<of cig^ ; 




i**.' 



related with^inmli glee^an 
anecdote, abont the remeta^ of'a 
tmnfmr on : some ' gentlemaa's head : 
wbx<& he illdifMbted' hf neaaa ef 'an 
OTBtenJadfe'tod'a haif-qoarlieni loaf, 
to the great edifieatiaBof' the 
l^ed iiompBaayj " Tb§n,-*theiwhole train 
vreiottb dnirch, where Mi*. - Benjamin 
Allen fell fast asleep : while Mr. Boh 
Sairyer abstracted his tiion^hto frotn 
worldly matters, by ttomgeaieas firo^ 
cess of earring 'his name onihe seat 
of the pew, in corpulent lettenof 'four 
mches'long. 

<<Now," said Wardle, afber a suh- 
stantiaJ lunch,' witii the agreeable hems 
of strong->be<tr and cherry^randy, had 
been done ample justice *to ; <<what 
say you to an -hour on^e ice I We 
eball have plenty of tiine.'^- ' 

*' Capital ! " said Mr. Beirjandn*^ 
Allen." 

«Primer» ejaedbrted Mr; Boh 
Sawyer. • 

«You skait, of coureeyWinldel^' 
said Wdlrdle. 

** Ye— yes ; oh/ yes-; " replied ' Mr; 
Winkle. " I — I — am rather out of 
practice." 

''Oh, do skaitj Mr» Wi»kle/' said 
Arabella. - '* I like to see it so much." 

^ Oh, it is sograoefid,**' said another 
young lady. 

A third' young lady " said H was* 
elegant, and a fourthr expressed her 
opinion that it was '^ swan-like.'' ' 

** I should be very happy, I *m sore," 
said Mr. Winkle, reddening ; " but I 
have no skaits." 

Thfe obiection was at once oremiled. 
Trundle had a couple of .pair, and 
the fat boy announced that there 
were half-a^dozen more, <lown stairs : 
whereat Mr. Winkle expressed exqai*- 
fflte delight, and looked exquiately 
uncomfortable. 

Old WaMle led the way to a pretty 
large sheet of ice ; and ihe fat boy 
and Mr. Weller, baring shorelled and 
swept away the snow whi^ had fallen 
on it during the nig^ Mr.' 'Bob Saw^ 
yer adjusted his skfuts with a dexterity 



and ' insoribed -upoin > the i dcey without 
ones st ep p i B g -for breaUr, a great auny 
other pleasant^aadastonishS^ derieesj 
to the exeessive^ satisfactlan. of 'Mr;) 
Pitikwick, Mi".: Tuj^man, vai the 
ladies : which reached a pitdi.'.of 
poeitire enthdaasm^- when eld Wititdle 
and Benjamin Allen, assisted by • the 
aforesaid Bob Sawyer, peiformad some 
myetie -erclulton}^ wlMi they called a 
re^' 

All thitftmie, Mr/WhikkyWithfais 
face and haads Une with tiie nM, had 
been forcing a gimlet - into 'theaoks of 
his feet, and putting his jskaits! on, 
with* the points behmd,' and > getting 
the straps into a very coufuioated 
and entangled stale,-with' the assist- 
ance of Mr» SnedgrasB^ who knew- 
ralher less about tkaSto than a Hiadeo^- 
At -length, howerer, with the MsiBi>' 
ance of Mr. Weller, the unfortanate. 
skaits were firmly screwed and budded 
(», and Mr. Winlde was raised -to faia 
feet 

** Now, then, or," said Safia, in an 
enconn^ng tone ; • '^ off rith yon^ and 
8h9W *em how to do it." 

<< Stop, Sam, stop !" said Mr. Wfifkle, 
trembling violently, and clutching hold 
of Sam's arras wiih< the grasp «f a 
■drowning man. '' How slippery it is, 
Sami" 

^ Not a uneommoB Ihfaig upon ice, 
sir," repUed Mr. Weller. « Hold up, 
sir!" 

' This lastobserration of Mr. Welter's 
bore refnlence to a demonstration Mr. 
Witakle made at the instant, of a fran- 
tic desire to throw his feet m the air^ 
and dash the back- of his head on the ice. 

« These-^these^-fure very awkward 
skaits? ain't they, Samt^' inquired 
Mr. Winkle, etaggoing. 

^I'm afeerd there's an orkard 
gen1*rii*n in 'em, sir,?' replied Sam. 

« Now, Winkle," cried Mr. Pickwick, 
quite unconscious that there was any- 
thing the matter. ^ Gome ; the ladies 
are all anxiety." 

"Yes, yes," replied Mr. WhiUe, 
I Willi a ghastly smile. << I 'm coming.' 

&2 



244 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



« Joit a goin' to begin,*' said Smd, 
endeaTOoring to diaoigage himaelf. 
^Nowysir^ttartoffr 

<< Stop an inBtanty Sam,'' gasped Mr. 
Winkle, elinging moat affectionately 
to Mr. WeUer. ''I find IWe got a 
oonple of coatB at home, that I don't 
want, Sam. Yon may haye them, 
Sam.'* 

<<Thaiik'ee, aur," replied Mr. 
Weller. 

<<NeTer mind tonofaing your hat, 
Sam," said Mr. Winkle, hastily. 
''YoQ needn't take your hand away, 
to do that.' I meant to have eiven 
yon fiye shillings this morning tor a 
Qiristmas-box, Sam. I 'U giye it you 
this afternoon, Sam." 

**Yoa're wery good, sur," replied 
Mr. WeUer. 

^ Just hold me at first, Sam ; will 
yon ! " said Mr. Winkle. « There— 
that 's right. I shaU soon get in the 
way of i^ Sam. Not too &st, Sam ; 
not too fast." 

Mr. Winkle, stooping forward with 
his body half doubled up, was being 
assisted oyer the ioe by Mr. Weller, 
in a yery singular and un-swan-like 
manner, when Mr. Pickindck most 
innocently shouted from the opposite 
bank: 

"Sam!" 

« Sir! "said Mr. Weller. 

** Here. I want you." 

'^ Let go, sir," said Sam. ^ Don't you 
hear tiie goyemor a callin' t Let go, 
sir; 



» 



With a yiolent effort, Mr. Weller 
disengaged himself from the grasp of 
the agonised Pickwickian ; and, in so 
doing, administered a considerable 
impetus to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. 
With an accuracy which no degree of 
dexterity or practice could have in- 
sured, tnat unfortunate gentleman bore 
swiftly down into the centre of the 
reel, at the very moment when Mr. 
Bob Sawyer was performing a flourish 
of unparalleled beauty. Mr. Winkle 
struck wildly against him, and with a 
loud crash they both fell heavily down. 
Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot. Bob 
Sawyer had risen to his feet, but Mr. 
Wii^e was far too wise to do any- 



thing of the kind. In skaita. He was. 
seated on the ioe, making qpasmodie. 
efforts to smile ; but anguish was- 
depicted on every lineament of his- 
countenance. 

^Are you hurt!" inquired Mr.. 
Benjamin Allen, with great anxiety. 

•« Not much," said Mx. Wmkle, rub- 
bing his back verv hard. 

** I wish you'd let me bleed yon,'* 
said Mr. Bcmjamin, with great eager- 



^No, thank yon," replied Mr. 
Winkle hurriedly. 

«1 really thmk yon had better," 
said Allen. 

<< Thank yon," replied Mr. Whikle v 
« I 'd rather not." 

<<What do y<m think, Mr. Pick-^ 
wick 1 " inquired Bob Sawver. 

Mr. Pickwick was excited and in- 
dignant. He beckoned to Mr. WeUer,. 
and said in a stem voice, ** Take his. 
skaits off." 

^No; but really I had scarcely 
begun," remonstrated Mr. Winkle. 

<< Take his skaits off," repeated Mr. 
Pickwick firmly. 

The command was not to be resisted. 
Mr. Winkle allowed Sam to obey it, in 
silence. 

« Lift him up," said Mr. Pickwicks 
Sam assisted hnn to rise. 

Mr. Pickwick retired a few pacea 
apart from the by-standers ; and, 
beckoning his friend to approach^ 
fixed a searching look upon him, and 
uttered in a low, but distinct and em- 
phatic tone, these remarkable words : 

^ You 're a humbug, sir." 

<<A what!" said Mr. Wmkle^ 
starting. 

*<A humbug, sir. I will speak 
plainer, if you wish it An impostor. 



»> 



sur. 

With these words, Mr. Pickwick, 
turned slowly on his heel, and rejoined, 
his friends. 

While Mr. Pickwick was delivering 
himself of the sentiment just recorded, 
Mr. Weller and the fat boy, having by 
their joint endeavours cut out a sude,. 
were exercising themselves thereupon^ 
in a very masterly and brilliant man- 
ner. Sam Weller, in particular, was 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



245 



.jUrolaying that beaatifhl feat of fimcy- 
^ung which is currently denominated 
^ knocking at the cobbler's door/' and 
which is achieved by skimming over 
the ice on one foot, and occaslonallv 
giving a twopenny postman's knock 
upon it, with the other. It was a good 
long slide, and there was something in 
•the motion which Mr. Pickwick, who 
-was very cold with standing stilly 
«oald not help envying. 

^ It looks a nice warm exercise that, 
doesn't it 1 " he inquired of Wardle, 
when that eentleman was thoroughly 
out of breaui, by reason of the indefa* 
tigable manner in which he had con- 
verted his legs into a pair of com- 
passes, and £rawn complicated pro- 
{>lems on the ice. 

<<Ah, it does, indeed," replied 
Wardle. » Do you slide ) " 

«I used to do so, on the gutters, 
when I was a boy," repUed Mr. Pick- 
"wick 

« Try it now," said Wardle. 

''Oh do, please, Mr. Pickwick," 
•cried all the ladies. 

« I should be very happy to afford 
you any amusement,'' replied Mr. 
Pickwick, '<but I haven't done such a 
^ing these thirtv years." 

''Pooh I poon ! nonsense!" said 
Wardle, dragging off his skaits with 
4he impetuosity which characterised 
dU his proceedings. " Here ; I *11 
iLeep you companv ; come along." 
And away went the good tempered 
old fellow down the slide, with a 
Tapidity which came very dose upon 
Mr. Weller, and beat the fat boy aU to 
^nothing. 

Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, 
pulled off his gloves and put them in 
Ids hat : took two or three short runs : 
baulked himself as often ; and at last 
took another run, and went slowly and 
gravely down, the slide, with his feet 
about a yard and a quarter apart^ 
4anidst the gratified shouts of all the 
:«pectators. 

" Keep the pot a bilin', or I" said 

Sam ; and down went Wardle again, 

and then Mr. Pickwick, and then Sam, 

jmd then Mr. Winkle, and then Mr. 

Bob Sawyer, and then the fat boy. 



and then Mr. Snodgrass, following 
closely upon each o&er's heels, and 
running aiter each other with as much 
eagerness as if all their future pros- 
pects in life depended on their expedi- 
tion. 

It was the most intensely interest- 
ing thing, to observe the manner in 
wmch Mr. Pickwick performed his 
share in the ceremony : to watch the 
tortmre of anxiety with which he viewed 
the person behind, gaining upon him 
at we imminent hazard of tripping 
him up : to see him gradually expend 
the pflonful force which he had put on 
at first, and turn slowly round on the 
slide, with his fSace towards the point 
from which he had started : to con- 
template the playful smile which man- 
tled on his face when he had accom- 
plished the distance, and the eagerness 
with which he turned round when he 
had done so, and ran after his prede- 
cessor : his black gaiters tripping plea- 
santly through the snow, and his eyes 
beanung cheerfulness and gladness 
through his spectacles. And when he 
was knocked down, (which happened 
upon the average every third round), 
it was the most invigoratmg dght that 
can possibly be imagined, to behold 
him gather up his hat, gloves, and 
handkerchief, with a glowing counte- 
nance, and resume his station in the 
rank, with an ardour and enthusiasm 
that nothing could abate. 

The sport was at its height, the 
sliding was at the quickest, the laugh- 
ter was at the loudest, when a sharp 
smart crack was heard. There was a 
quick rush towards the bank, a wild 
scream firom the ladies, and a shout 
from Mr. Tupman. A large mass of 
ice disappeared ; the water bubbled up 
over it ; Mr. Pickwick's hat, gloves, 
and handkerchief were floating on the 
surface ; and this was all of Mr. Pick- 
wick that anybody could see. 

Dismay tflid anguish were depicted 
on every countenance ; the males 
turned pale, and the females fainted ; 
Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle grasped 
each other by the hand, and gazed at 
the spot where their leader had gone 
down, with frenaed eagerness ; while 



246 



POBffHUBDfJB/PiLVBBS OF 



Mr. Tapoiaiif by jmjr ol nncMnff the 
psoiE^teit aHMtancfl^and st the nme 
iiBM «i«Tejiiiff to .any ' |wi fl n» . vho- 
mi^ft be withm faflviag^ ibsakMMrt 
{NiaBUilA iiati0n of lJ]»<aite«ki»fb6^ saa 
off acrosB the coontxy at his utaost 
«peBd^ BODBamiDgf <^JPire ! "• iwitb aU. hia 
nisht. 

. It was ai this vary momanly.iPvlMQ 

old WasdlK andifiam WeHer aneva: ap-! 

-pBoaflliixig - the lioka with-aaBtwoBstapsy 

lAod Me. Hawiamin Atlen:wa»^>ni<ttfig' 

' a imnied .conanttiitaon witb.Mr: . Bob 

i SawyeT) oiL^beadviaabUHy of; hinwiing 

. the ooaqiaiiy yaniHy, as an*iiiiproy- 

ing litde bit (rf pB uf i w aiiiial'p n M itwo 

it waa ait tfna very laamnrtf that ai&oe,' 

<haady and riioiiMffirngaaargeA from' be-' 

.nmth theriWBteiv ftod disoMsed the Hea- 

tuaaraxid speetaeiea of -Mrj Hsiniiick. 

■ ^ Keep yeavaell upibv aa* inatant — 

for only i«iiQ iBateiity"tt bawded Mr. 




- ^ Xei|do ;'iBt2iiejiBfdofeiyo»M^r 
my uke,*' roamdiMn Wiakle^ deeply 

> affeeted. The- adjuzatiott. was jrataer 

-.omieeassary ; the- probability . being, 
that i£,Mr. Piekwick hadL.dedined to 

. keepohimself.up «foEt«Bybody rolae's 

i^aake, it wonld^TeooeBrred tetfaim 
that ha: might as- well do-soy.fosins 

■ eiwii. 

^ Do yoaleel ihe bottom. ihar^oU 

' fidlow i M^nid Wavdle. 

'< Y^'cextBinly,'^ xeplae^Mr. tfkk- 
wicky wringingjthe« wKtev^r&emrfais 
headand.iaoey and gasping f0r4ireaih. 
** I felli upon my :back. I «Ottldii!ti get 
on my feet at fintft." 

The«fey npcm soimBoh bf^Mr.-iPick* 
wiek's.jeoai as was yet- vinhle^.bore 

: testimony toihe aecusacy of ^tfaautate- 
mcot^ and. asi'theieam of thespecta- 
tors wesRStiU.liiEliMrneliered'bytthe 

.iat.foQy'atSUddaniy)ZBeDUecting.tfiii^the 
water waandminra anorftthan &iafeet 

■deepy.-pnodigiea oSr lafem?- were- per- 
formed to '-^ ium <ont* Afibev ai ivast 

: qaatttilyf r or ^splaahiog^ • andr .•ecaeliing^ 
and- stragglings Mr* Piekwick <waa at 
IflBgdiifairlywextcicated* tsem hia* un- 
pleasant poeitiony audi aaceimarerjstood 

' on dryland. 

«0h, faeliaatehiiift death o£«old," 
MidSmily. 



• «tOear:oia.ilBnglV7flud ibialMUa. 
^'Le^fliwwrap thiar«faawl;j»«nd<9i0Uy 
Mr. PIsfcwidc." 

<f Ah^that's tiie twatUBng^yeBiSaa 

dOy^'jaid Wardle ; ^ and when yaaiwe 

«oi it o%«8im hoBi»' aa fiuBtJ^fmir 

.'^$8 can cnry yon^ andjj viqp int»hed 

(dinotlv." 

' A.ooieifishflnrlB were (oflnjed ^on 

the instant ^ Three or four of ithe 

thickest having t^taen sdaoted,- Mr. 

Pi uim iek / waa t w a pp ed'npy and started 

ofl^moderthitgiiidMeaof Mr. Wailer : 

vpaeaentkig ftfae singvlar. phenamion 

of aiL«Ueriy Mttenian, dsippin^ wet, 

and ibithoat aliaty witUusvunatemid 

down tD his 8ide% skimming oTer^the 

^giound^ wiltemt any deany defined 

purpose, at the rate of BiZ'goo4£iig- 

hsh miles ankoor. 

But Mr. PiokwiekoaDBd not^forap- 
^peanmcesinisach an exteme.easey 
and urged on by Sam Weiieflr, haieept 
at the yery top of his speed until. he 
reached die door- of Manor Farm, 
wlwre Mr. Tnpmaa. had arrived some 
five minutes before, and hadfirightenfid 
.<fae old hidy into^ palpitationa of the 
hearty • by impreaang her with the tm- 
Laiteimble seoovietion. that the kitohen 
chimney was OD! 



aNrays psessnted itself in. glowing 
leoloars to the old lady's min^ wdien 
anybody atbout her ermeed .thesmal- 
iest agitation. 

Mr. Biokwick paased notran inatMit 
.until her waa*anug in bed. SamWsller 
■lighted a'Uasingtfin inthe-room, and 
took up his diimer^ a bowl o€:pBudi 
iwas carried up afterwimdB, and agrand 
carouse held in honour of hm:aa£tty, 
OWWmtdie WMild noiiiear of lus 
riflings so they madetthB bedithe dudr, 
and Mr. Piekwick-psesided* A?aecand 
and a itiiird bowL wereiroudered: in ; 
and/iiiiwniMR P&skwick. awake. next 
Biozning,> thera:was*not a'tganptom. of 
iiiiMiiiiBtiiifUi about him &«hich pveves, 
as Mr. Bob Sawyer Teiyjuatlyi 'Ob- 
served, that there is nothing like hot 
pnneh in snch «aaes«.and thMt if ever 
hot punehidid fail* to. mot aa-a* preren- 
tive^ it waamefely because the paliant 
feU into tha.Tulgar.«nrar of notttiMng 
enough of it. 



Iran EIGKWODEiCaroB. 



(«t7 



'Thi{ j«na| pwt]fi<«ltrohB <up't'iiezt 

-moniliig. BsaakiiigB^ up '«r»:> capitel 

•things ixkimr selMol dftys^^faiii in caflter 

life.tfat^jffe fMinfMcoovgh. 43Mtii, 

-seif-iBtoiesty and fortme's dwǤes, 

ara '«TeTy^4ay bstafcuig lUp mnxxy a 

sliappjrrgroap^ aDd«oHtta!lng«iiieiit«iaF 

and :<mde p and ihe .l)ey»' and gids 

'never«om»>lkack.»again. -We 'do •not 

mean- to>'«a}r tiiat iV waft.-«aE*«ily tlia 

..ease in^ this jpartmdas> instanoe ; tall 

.we^mah tofinurm'tha leadeT: iBy.<<hat 

ihe..dififievent mmih onf of'<4he farty 

dii^raed totbor'gBveral homes^ that 

Mr. Piofcwickt • and ^ ilia <&Miida '«Boe 

nun^ took their -Mats- on^tba top of the 

Mvggletcm eoaoh ;<anct.thattAraibeUft 

Allen sepaired toher<fbMe ofdestiDi^ 

tion,.viievaTeE ifemiefat liaTel)een>*<^W6 

dare say Mr. WiiuKle^ knew^ bat'««re 

confess we don't->Hinder the<caxaiiind 

^ardianahip of herloothev Brtijamin, 

and hia most .intiiMte' and- ^partiedar 

friend, Mrv Bob Sa^igrer. 

Before they sapanuted, heweveivthat 
gentleman and ydrv Benjamin: Alien 
drew Mr. Pickwick' aside vitfa an air 
of ^Bemeqpa.yBt6ry f and)Mn'Bobx6aw- 
yer tfaniBting hiB> ibiefinger 'between 
two of Mr. I^dLwiek'»rib8y and'there^ 
b^ displaying luat^aativie drol)9ry^ sad 
< his kxM>wledge'of tiia anatomy of the 
human £nuney at ona>.and tfa» aame 
time, inquired : 

*^ I say^ old l^y^ niiera do yoO hang 
outl" 

Mr. HcStfnok^ relied, that |ie>waa< at 
present suspended at the >Oeorge^a]|d 
Vulture. 

^ I wish you *d esmer^and-voeft^ me," 
4nid> Bobv Sawyer. 



* c^liotfaaigf^ wdbld shrerme' guMiter 
y tonsm e,*^' nspiied Mi?. Pidcwink. 

* f<.Thei»'atmy lodgiBgb,*' aaid.iMr. 
fiobSMryer^ producing »cflird,if':£nnt 
^StBset, Boanugh^ it%iiear€kiy^%and 
Inndy 'for jnc^yow) know, iittld dis- 
tance. <.^after tjou*re ■ pfwwtd.' Sahit 
4)eaErge'a iGinireh^*u|unis outi of'*4fae 
;Higfa Stveet ontlimxighthaod adMhe 
»way." 

^l shall;find it," aaid Mr. ^MmSek. 

^XiJomar on. JSraraday fitrtdjg^ «nd 

bring 'ihe'ntheiucfaapa adtii you,'^ said 

iMcBobSmi^er, ^l'm:goingtolnve 

a fBw.nedkaLlellewB^tiiat^Dfight." 

t rMr; BkkwidcioKpBssaad'ihe p loawM f o 
it wieuld.affoard'him tonieet the' JMdi- 
<cai itdlowa ^ and'aHter iMxi Bob^Saw- 
^rai«4ndti]i£Bniied):him <faat'h«iimniit 
tO' be^ yfiry< eoseyv and that this ^ftmkkd 
hBea was to-be mie of the-party^they 
dMM)k iMnds>aBdflMfMrated. 

> We* leeliftbat in this -plmce'^wt^j 

onrself 'epen* to the -inquiiy^wfafetiiBr 

!Jdr.' Wkude -w«8 wfaispenngf dniing 

•tfai»' 'brief eosveraation, to ■ AnibeUa 

Allen : vand il so, what he said ; and 

ftasiStutwifxref » jwhetfaer Jlr. SnodgBass 

<wne eoBversing apart -with Emaly 

Waadleeand i£ soy what Aa«aid. <To 

•this^ me jreply, t stiiat ' whateveit .' 'they 

4Bight«^haiw»isaid to the. ladies, they 

said nothing at aU to Mr. Fisfcwick or 

•Mr. Supmant for eight-* and* twenty 

.miles^ and thai they sighed Tery soften, 

'safasedtale and bnmdy^uand 'boioed 

gloomy.' If miErobBegB»aatiady.readers 

deduce. any usatialiMytory infeBenees 



feomntheee fisets^i wettbeg diem bytall 
uneana to do so. 



'WBICB 19 JLLI/^XBOUVtSBX £AW/^AND SinilJRT^-*4}REA9'mVB<ntniEft UDiBSTBD 

' VHSBEIN. 



ScATZERED^. about) in Tarious. holes 
and comers of the Temple, are certain 
dark and dirty ohambersy in • and ' out 
of which, all the morning in Vacation, 
'and half the CTening too in Term 
timcy tiiere .mayi be seen constantly 



hurrying with.bnndles of papeca under 
their arms,' and psrotruding from their 
pockets, an almost uninterrupted auc- 
oession of Lawyers' Clerks. There 
are several grades of Lawyers' Clerks. 
There is the Articled Qerk, who. has 



248 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



a premium, and is an attorney in 
penpectiTe, who runs a tailor's bill, 
reoeiyes inyitations to parties, knows 
a iiunily in Grower Street, and another in 
Tavistock Square : who goes out of tDwn 
eyery Long Vacation to see his father, 
who keeps Uto horses innumerable; 
and who is, in short, the yery aristo- 
crat of dorks. There is the salaried 
derk — out of door, or in door, as ihe 
case may be — ^who devotee the maior 
part of lus thirty shillings a week to his 
perscmal pleasure and adornment, re- 
pairs hali^price to the Adelphi Theatre 
at least three times a week, dissipates 
majestically at the dder cdlars after- 
wards, and is a dirty caricature of the 
fashi<m which expired dx months ago. 
There is the middle-aged copying 
deric, with a large family, who is 
always shabby, and often drimk. And 
there are the office lads in their first 
surtouts, who fed a befitting contempt 
for boys at day-sdiools : dub as they 
go home at night, for sayelp^s and 
porter : and think tiiere 's nothms like 
*^life." There are varieties of the 
genus, too numerous to recapitulate, 
but however numerous they may be, 
Ihey are all to be seen, at certain 
regulated business hours, hunyin^ to 
and from the places we have just 
mentioned* 

These sequestered nooks are the 
public offices of the l^gal |>rofesdon, 
where writs are issued, judgments 
dgned, declarations filed, and nume- 
rous otiier ingenious little machines put 
in motion for the torture and torment 
of His Majesty's Uege subjects, and 
the comfort and emdument of the 
practitioners of the law. They a»e, 
for the most part, low-roofed, mouldy 
rooms, where innumerable rolls of 
parchment, which have been per- 
spirine in secret for the last century, 
send forth an agreeable odour, which 
is mingled by day with the scent of 
the dry rot, and by night with the 
various exhalations whi<£ arise from 
damp doaks, festering umbrellas, and 
the coarsest tallow candles. 

About half-past seven o'dock in the 
evening, some ten days or a fortnight 
after £Lr. Pickwick and his friends 



returned to London, there hurried 
into one of these offices, an individual 
in a brown coat and brass buttons, 
whosQ long hair was scrupuloudy 
twisted round the rim of his napless 
hat, and whose soiled drab trousers 
were so tightly strapped over his 
Blucher boots, that ms knees tiureat- 
ened every moment to start frt)m their 
concealment. He produced from his 
eoat pockets a long and narrow strip 
of parchment, on which the prodding 
frmctionary impressed an illegible 
black stamp. He then drew lortfa 
four scraps of paper, of similar dimen- 
dons, each containing a printed copy 
of the strip of parchment with blanks 
for a name ; and having filled up the 
blanks, put all the five documents in 
his pocket, and hurried away. 

TioB man in the brown coat, with 
the cabalistic documents in his pocket, 
was no other than our old acquaint- 
ance Mr. Jackson, of the house of 
Dodson and Fogg, Freeman's Court, 
Gomhill. Instead of returning to the 
office from whence he came, however, 
he bent his steps direct to Sun Court, 
and walking straight into the Greorge 
and Vulture, demanded to know whe- 
ther one Mr. Pickwick was within. 

« Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, Tom,'* 
said the barmaid of tiie G^rge and 
Vulture. 

^ Don't trouble yourself," said Mr. 
Jackson, ** I 've come on business. If 
you 'U diow me Mr. Pickwick's room, 
I 'U step up myself." 

^ What name, sir 1 " said the waiter. 

^ Jackson," replied the clerk. 

The wdter stepped up stairs to an- 
nounce Mr. Jackson ; but Mr. Jackson 
saved him the trouble by following 
dose at lus heels, and walking into 
the i^Murtment before he could articu- 
late a syllable. 

Mr. Pickwick had, that day, in- 
vited his three friends to dinner ; they 
were all. seated round the fire, drink- 
ing their wine, when Mr. Jackson pre- 
sented himself, as above described. 

<< How de do, sir 1" said Mr. Jackson, 
nodding to Mr. Pickwick. 

That gentleman bowed, and looked 
somewhat surprised, for the phydog- 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



249 



nomy of Mr. Jackson dwelt not in his 
recollection. 

<* I have called from Dodson and 
Fogg^s," said Mr. Jackson, in an ex- 
planatory tone. 

Mr. Pickwick ronsed at the name. 
** I refer you to my attorney, sir : 
Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn," said he. 
<* l^faiter, show this gentleman out." 

•* Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick," 
said Jackson, deliberately depositing 
his hat on the floor, and drawing from 
his pocket the strip of parchment. 
^But personal service, by clerk or 
agent, in these cases, you know, Mr. 
Pickwick — nothing like caution, sir, 
in all legal forms 1 " 

Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on 
the parchment ; and, resting his hands 
on me table, and looking round with 
a winning and persuasive smile, said, 
''Now come; don't let's have no 
words about such a little matter as 
this. Which of yon gentlemen's 
name 's Snodgrass ! " 

At this inquiry, Mr. Snodgrass gave 
such a very undisguised and p^pa- 
ble start, that no further reply was 
needed. 

« Ah ! I thoufffat 80," said Mr. Jack- 
son, more affab^ than before. ^ I 've 
got a littie something to trouble you 
with, sir." 

^ Me ! " exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass. 

^It's only a auibpoBna in Bardell 
and PickwicK on behalf of the plain- 
tiff," replied Jackson, singling out 
one of ^e slips of paper, and pro- 
ducing a shilling from his waistcoat- 
pocket. '* It 11 come on, in the settens 
after Term ; fourteenth of Febooary, 
we expect ; we 've marked it a special 
jury cause, and it 's only ten down the 
paper. That 's yours, Mr. Snodgrass." 
As Jackson said this, he presented the 
parchment before the eyes of Mr. 
Snodgrass, and slipped the paper and 
the shilling into his hand. 

Mr. Tupman had witnessed this 
process in silent astonishment, when 
Jackson, turning sharply upon him, 
said : 

^I think I ain't mistaken when I 
say your name 's Tupman, am I! " 

Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pick- 



wick ; but, perceiving no encourage- 
ment in that gentleman's widely-opened 
eyes to deny his name, said : 

" Yes, my name is Tupman, sir." 

^And that other gentleman's Mr. 
Winkle, I think," said Jackson. 

Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in 
the afiirmative ; and both gentlemen 
were forthwith invested with a slip of 
paper, and a shilling each, by the dex- 
terous Mr. Jackson. 

" Now," said Jackson, *' I 'm afridd 
you'll think me rather troublesome, 
but I want somebody else, if it ain't 
inconvenient. I have Samuel Weller's 
name here, Mr. Pickwick." 

''Send my servant here, wiuter," 
said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter re- 
tired, considerably astonished, and Mr. 
Pickwick motioned Jackson to a seat. 

There was a painful pause, which 
was at length broken by the innocent 
defendant. 

" I suppose, sir," said Mr. Pickwick, 
his indignation, rising while he spoke ; 
"I suppose, sir, that it is the inten- 
tion of your employers to seek to cri- 
minate me, upon the testimony of my 
own friends 1 " 

Mr. Jackson struck his fore-finger 
several times against the left side of 
his nose, to intimate that he was not 
there to disclose the secrets of the 
prison-house, and playfully rejoined, 

** Not knowin', can't say." 

" For what otiier reason, sir," pur- 
sued Mr. Pickwick, " are these sub- 
poenas served upon them, if not for 
this!" 

** Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick," 
replied Jackson, slowly shaking his 
head. ** But it won't do. No harm 
in trying, but there 's littie to be got 
out of me." 

Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more 
upon the company ; and, applying his 
l^t tiiumb to the tip of his nose, 
worked a visionary coffee-mill with his 
right hand : thereby performing a very 
graceful piece of pantomime (then 
much in vogue, but now, unhappily, 
almost obsolete) which was familiarly 
denominated " taking a grinder." 

" No, no, Mr. Pickwick," said Jack- 
son, in conclufflon ; ^ Perker's people 



250 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



must goeeB what we've served these 
snhpcwniw for. If they can't, they 
must wait till the aotloQ oomes on, and 
then they 'II find out" 

Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of 
exoesBiTe. disgust on his nn w e l co m e 
visitor^ and would probably have 
hurled some tremendous ananema at 
the heads of Messrs. Dodsovand Fogg, 
had not Sam's entrance at the instant 
interrupted him. 

« Samuel WeUer ! ". said Mr. Jack- 
son, inquiringly. 

« Yun o' the truest things as yon 've 
said for many a long year," replied 
Sam, in a most compMed manner. 

^Here's a subpona-for you, Mr. 
Weller," said Jackson. 

«What's that.m Su^ish!" in- 
quired Sam. 

^Here's the original," said Jack- 
aon,deelining the reguiredeatrisBation. 

<< Which 1 " said Sam. 

<< This," lepUed Jackson^ shaking 
the parchment. 

<< Oh, that's the 'rig'nal, is it!" 
said Sam. "Well, I'm wery glad 
I 'to seen the 'rig'nal, 'cos it 's a gra- 
tifyin' sort o' thing, and eases 'vun's 
>mind so much." 

<<And here's the . shilling," said 
Jackson. ^It's iiom Do&m and 
Fogg's." 

** And it 's unoommonhandsome o' 
Dodson and Fogg, as kaxmn so little 
of me, to come down vith % pveaent," 
said Sam. <<I feel it* as a wery 
high compliment, < sir ; it 's a wery 
hon'rable thing to them, as they knows 
how to vewaixl 'merit weraver they 
meets it. Besides wich, it's affectin' 
ta one's feelin's." 

As Mr. WeUer said this, he inflicted 
a little friction on his right , •eye-lid, 
with the sleeve of his ooat, after .the 
most approved manner of actors when 
they are in domestic pathetics. 

Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzssled 
by Sam's proeeedings ; but, as he had 
served the Aibpomas, and had nothing 
more te say, he made a feint of putting 
on the one glove which he- usually 
carried in his hand, for the mke of 
appeaiances ; and returned to the 
office to report progiess. 



Mr. Pickwick dept Kttle that nigliit; 
lus memory had received a very dis- 
aareeaUe refirasher on. the subject of 
Mrs. Bardell's action. He breakfasted 
betimes next morning ; and, desiring 
Sam to aooompany huny set forth to- 
warda Gray's Inn Square. 

«Sam!'' said Mr, Pickwick, look- 
ing round, vtkea thc^y got to the end of 
Cheaptide. 

^ Sir ! " said Sani^ stepping up to 
his master. 

«Whichway!" 

** Up Newgate .Street" 

Mr. Pickwick did not torn voand 
immediately, but looked • vacantly in 
Sam's fac9 for a few seeonds^ and 
heaved a deep sigh. 

« What's^ ma«ter,8ur1" inquired 
Sam. 

<« This action, Sam," .said Mr. Pick- 
wick, << is expected to oome.on,oa'lhe 
fourteenth ofneict month." 

« Ramarkable coinadsBee<ihat 'ere^ 
sir," replied Sam. 

« WhvMmarkabla, Sam!" inqmxed 
Mr. Pickwick. 

<< Wakntme's day^ air," responded 
Sam ; '^ reglar good day for a biaaoh 
o' pnomiie trial" 

• Mr. WcUer's • smile: awakaied'<no 
gleam of mirth in his master's coun- 
tenance. Mr. Pickwick tniflied ab- 
ruptly round, and led the -way in 



They had walked somedistaace : iMr. 
Pickwick trotting on before plnngedin 
pofound meditation,- and Sam follow- 
jng behind^ with a countenance ezp 
piessive of the most envkible and easy 
defiance of everything and evexybody : 
when the: latter, wh» was always espe- 
4aally anxious toimpart to his master 
any exolusive infonnation he possessed, 
quickoied his pace until he was elose 
at Mr. Pickwick's heels ; and, point- 
ing up at a bouse they were paMing, 
said, 

'^ Wery nice porkHshop tiiat 'ere. 



sir. 



» 



^ Yes, it sesms so,'? said Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

<< Celebrated Saseage factory," said 
Sam. 

« Is it I** said Mr. Pickwick. 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



251 



<« Is ifc I » viiteMtod%aHii «i1ii Mme 
.indignrtioii ; «< i ihoiild rayther tiunk 
it was. Why mr, hkm your innooeDt 
eydbnrewBy that 'b wese the xayrterioiu 
dJMypcanmce of a 'spaetable tnades- 
.maa took piaoey fimr yeae ago." 

^.Yoa don't mcaa to «ay>'h« was 

.barked, fiam ! » said Mr. PidEvrack, 

looking hastily round. 

- *< No I don't indeed,, air/' -z«^ed 

:Mr. W«iler,<«iwidLLdid; farwerae 

ihaB-that. He was the maater o' that 

'ere ahop^ air^and.the inwanter o' the 

• pitenfc-netegJewtm-offtflaiiaage ateam: 

Bgjine^ as ndt awaUer np a pawin* atone 

if yontput it tav nean^ and grind it into 

mMinagon aa.eaag^^ as if it waa a t^ider 

yonng babby. Wery 'proud o*. that 

i^**^"«> he waa, aa ii*.wamat*ral he 

iShoold be (and he'd atand down in 

the odler a lookin' at it, wen it waa in 

. li^ play,.tiUhe:got gnite .mfikmcholy 



dragged, and for two montha arler- 
vaida weneerer a body turned u]», it 
waa •eazried) as a reg'hur thing, atnoght 
off to the aassage ahop. Hows'ever 
nme on ^m^aBsweoed, ao they eaye 
out that he'd run avay, and ahe kept 
on the bis'neas. One Saturday mght, 
a' little thin oldgen'lTm'n cornea into 
the ahop in a great paaaion and aays, 
'Are you the miaaiBo" this here ahop!' 

* Yes I am,', aaya ahe. < Well ma'am,' 
aaya he, * tiien I 've juat looked in to 
aay, that me and my family ain't a 
goin' to be choaked for notfain* ; and 
mofethan thatma*am,' he aaya, ^you'll 
allow me to obeerve, that aa you don't 
uae the primest parta of the meat in 
the manafaciter o? aamnageBj I think 
yeu*dfind beef -come nearly as cheap as 
buttons.' ' As buttons, air I ' aaya she. 

* Bnttona^ ma*am,' aaya the htUe old 
gentleman, unfolding a bit of paper. 



with joy. A wery happy-nan; he'd andshewin' twenty or .thirty halves o' 

ha' beiBO, air, in the proeaaaien o' that buttons. ' Nioeaeaaonin* for aaasageB, 
• 'ere ingine^and' two'iBore lotrehr.fain- 'istrMiaers* buttons, ma'am.' 'They're 

fimts beaidea, if it. hadn't been mr ^his [ my husbaad^s buttona j^Mya the widder, 

wife, whowaaannoafrowvidaaisuswiMn. 

She wasalwaya a foUerin' ium. about, 

and dinnin* in his ears, .'till at*laat-he 

couldn't atand it no longer. 'Ill tell 

you what itia^ my. dear,^ ha says me 

day ;. ' If you .p er ac w er a im^this here 

aort of amuaement,' he sajrs, 'I^ 

Ueaaad if I don't go awagr to ^eirfter ; 

and that ^ all abantit' >^Yoo'xe a 

idle swiliin,' aays she^ ^waid Im^ the 

'Aftanihinsjoyof tharbarain.*!- Artsr 
: wiah'sfaekeepaon aibuain' ot hhnforhall 
^au' hour, add-then nma into the littk 
• parlour behind ihe abop^ aets> to- a 
•saaenmin', ai^ he 11' be 4he-dcaih> on 

her, and £b11b in a fit^ -which iaatsfor 

three geodiwais one o^^tiiemtfits 
>wich • is..'a]l^ sosaamin^iand ; kiddn'. 

Well,.nBxt'niasnin', "tiie husband < waa 

nuaain'. He hadn't taken nothin' tern 

•thetill^H-hadn't e?en put on^his'great- 

coat — ^80 it/'ims quite -dear hewam't 

•gene to:'llfennker. . Didn't come back 

: next day; didnH come back< next week ; 

Miaais had bilk ponnted, sayin! that, 

if he'd «ODi0 bac]^ he should 'be for- 

'gfven ' eTufjTtiun', ^which • was (very 

liberal, aeein' that he- hadn't done — o—? — o- 

nothin' 8t<^aU,))alL the canals ^ was] " Y4^,"..>saidLowten, scribblinglus 



beginnm' to fiunt. 'What!' 
the little old gehTm'n, tomin' wery 
pale. 'I aee itall,' aaya the aridder ; 
'in a fit of temporary -iinaaaity he 
rashly eonverted his-aelf into saasages ! ' 
And ao he had, air," said Mr. Weller, 
looking steadily .into Mr. Pickwick's 
henrovstricken eonntenaEuoe, "or else 
he 'dbeeu'draw^d into the ingme ; but 
bowerer that, might ha' been, the little 
4ild 'gen'i'm'n, who had been remark- 
ably partial, tcraaaaages all his life, 
•mniea out o' the ahop in a (wild state, 
and was never heerd on,.artervards ! " 
^Cbe rebtioB of this afifecting incident 
of |»i'vate UiSe, bzoughtmaster and man 
to Mr« Porker's 'chambers. Lowten, 
holding tin door half open, was in oon- 
.veraation with a rustily-<clad, miaerable 
looking man^ in boota without toesy and 
glares without -fingers. . There were 
tOMcs of < privation . and. . Buffering — 
afaaost of de^air^*-in his lank and care- 
worn countenance ^ he felt hispoverty, 
for heahrunk to the dark aide of the 
staUwaseas Mr. Pickwick approached* 
"It's very, unfortunate,'' said the 
stranoer^ wiUi a sigh. 



252 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



name on the door post with his pen 
and rubbing it out again with the 
feather. << Will yon leave a message 
for him I " 

<< When do you think he *11 be back ! " 
inquired the stranger. 

<< Quite uncertam," replied Lowten, 
winking at Mr. Pickwick, as the 
stranger cast his eyes towards the 
ground. 

" You don't think it would be of any 
use my waiting for him!'' said the 
stranger, looking wistfully into the 
office. 

^ Oh no, I 'm sure it wouldn V' ^o- 
plied the clerk, moving a Jittle more 
mto the centre of the door-way. ^He's 
certain not to be back this week, and 
it 's a chance whether he will, next ; for 
when Perker once gets out of town, 
he 's never in a hurry to come back 
again." 

« Out of town ! ** said Mr. Pickidck ; 
^ dear me, how unfortunate I " 

^ Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick," said 
Lowten, « I 've got a letter for you." 
The stranger seeming to hesitate, once 
more looked towards the ground, and 
the clef k winked slily at Mr. Pickwick, 
as if to intimate tlut some exquisite 
piece of humour was going forward ; 
thoueh what it was, Mr. Pickwick could 
not, for the life of him, divine. 

** Step m, Mr. Pickwick," said Low- 
ten. ^ Wel^ will vou leave a message, 
Mr. Watty, or will you call again ! '' 

^ Ask lum to be so kind as to leave 
out word what has been done in my 
business," said the man ; " for Grod^ 
sake don't n^Iect it, Mr. Lowten." 

" No, no ; I won't forget it," replied 
the clerk. « Walk in, Mr. Pickwick. 
Good morning, Mr. Watty ; it 's a fine 
day for walkbg, isn't it!" Seeing 
that the stranger still lingered, he 
beckoned Sam Weller to u>llow his 
master in, and shut the door in his face. 

^ There never was such a pestering 
hankrupt as that, smce the worn began, 
I do believe ! " said Lowten, throwing 
down his pen Tnth the air of an injured 
man. <<His affairs haven't been in 
chancery quite four years yet, and I *m 
d — d if he don't come wonying here 
twice a-week. Step this way, Mr. 



Pickwick. Perker is in, and he 11 see 
you, I know. Devilish cold," he added 
pettishly, << standing at that door, wast- 
ing one's time with such seedy vaga- 
bonds 1 " Having very vehemently 
stirred a particularly laige fire with a 
particulariy small poker, the derk led 
the way to lus principal's private room, 
and announced Mr. Pickwick. 

** Ah, my dear sir," said little Mr. 
Perker, bustling up from his chair; 
^Well, my dear sir, and what's the 
news about your matter-~eh ! Any- 
thing more about our friends in Free- 
man's-court! They've not been sleep- 
ing, / know that. Ah, they*re very 
smart fellows — ^very smart, indeed." 

As the little man concluded, he took 
an emphatic pinch of snuff, as a tribute 
to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson 
and Fogg. 

^ Thev are great scoundrels," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

^Aye, aye," said the little man; 
^that's a matter of opinion, you 
know, and we won't dispute about 
terms ; because of course you can't be 
expected to view these subjects with a 
professional eye. Well, we've done 
everything that's necessary. I have 
retained Serjeant Snubbin." 

^ Is he a good man ! " inquired Mr. 
Pickwick. 

^ Good man ! " replied Perker ; 
'^ bless your heart and soul,my dear sir, 
Serjeant Snubbin is at the v^ry top of 
his profession. Gets treble the busi- 
ness of any man in court— engaged in 
every case. You needn't mention it 
abroad ; but we say — ^we of the pro- 
fession — ^that Serjeant Snubbin leads 
the court by the nose." 

The little man took another pinch of 
snuff as he made this communication, 
and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pick- 
wick. 

^ They have subpoena'd my three 
friends," said Bfr. I^ckwick. 

^ Ah ! of course they would,*' re- 
plied Perker. ** Important witnesses ; 
saw you in a delicate situation." 

** But she fainted of her own accord,** 
said Mr. Pickwick. «< She threw her- 
self into my arms." 

* Very likely, my dear sur," replied 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



253 



Perker ; ^ very likely and very nataraL 
Nothing more so, my dear sir — ^nothing. 
But who 's to prove it 1 '* 

« They have sabpoena^d my servant 
too/' said Mr. Pickwick, quitting the 
other point ; for there Mr. Porker's 
question had somewhat staggered him. 
•« Sam ! " said Perker. 
Mr. Pickwick replied in the aflBrma- 
tive. 

^ Of course, my dear sir ; of course. 
I knew they would ; I could have told 
you that, a month ago. You know, my 
dear sir, if you vnU take the manage- 
ment of your affah's into your own 
hands after intrusting them to your 
solicitor, you must also take the conse- 
quences." Here Mr. Perker drew 
himself up with conscious dignity, and 
brushed some stray grains of snuff from 
his shirt frill. 

** And what do they want him to 
prove 1 " asked Mr. Pickwick, after 
two or three minutes' silence. 

^ That you sent hun up to the plain- 
tiff's to make some offer of a compro- 
mise, I suppose," replied Perker. <* It 
don't matter much, though ; I don*t 
think many counsel could get a great 
deal out of him,** 

** 1 don't think they could," said Mr. 
Pickwick ; smiling, despite his vexa- 
tion, at the idea &[ Sam's appearance 
as a witness. ''What course do we 
pursue 1 " 

'< We have only one to adopt, my 
dear sir,'' replied Perker ; " cross- 
examine the witnesses ; trust to Snub- 
bin's eloquence ; throw dust in the 
eyes of the judge ; and ourselves on 
the jury." 

'^ And suppose the verdict is against 
me 1 " said Mr. Pickwick. 

Mr. Perker smiled, took a very 
long pinch of snuff, stirred the fire, 
shrugged his shoulders, and remained 
expressively sUent. 

^ You mean that in that case I must 
pay the damages?" said Mr. Pick- 
wick, who had watched this telegra- 
phic answer with considerable stern- 
ness. 

Perker gave the fire another very 
unnecessary poke, and said ''I am 
afraid so." 



''Then I beg to announce to you, 
my unalterable determination to pay 
no damages whatever," said Mr. Pick- 
wick, most emphatically. " None, 
Perker. Not a pound, not a penny, 
of my money, shall find its way into 
the pockets of Dodson and Fogg. 
That is my deliberate and irrevocable 
determination." Mr. Pickwick gave 
a heavy blow on the table before 
him, in confirmation of the irrevoca- 
bility of his intention. 

" Very well, my dear sir, very well,'* 
said Perker. "You know best, of 
course." 

*' Of course," replied Mr. Pickwick 
hastily. " Where does Serjeant Snub- 
bin Uve!" 

"In Lincoln's Inn Old Square,'* 
replied Perker. 

"I should like to see him," said 
Mr. Pickwick. 

'*See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear 
sir ! " rejoined Perker, in utter amaze- 
ment. "Pooh, pooh, my dear sir, 
impossible. See Serjeant Snubbin ! 
Bless you, my dear sir, such a thing 
was never heard of, without a consul- 
tation fee being previously paid, and 
a consultation fixed. It couldn't be 
done, my dear sir ; it couldn't be 
done." 

Mr. Pickwick, however, had made 
up his mind not only that it could be 
done, but that it should be done ; and 
the consequence was, that within ten 
minutes after he had received the 
assurance that the thing was impos- 
sible, he was conducted by his solicitor 
into the outer office of the great Ser- 
jeant Snubbin himself. 

It was an uncarpeted room of toler- 
able dimenfflons, with a large writing- 
table drawn up.near the fire : the baize 
top of which had long since lost all 
claim to its origipal hue of green, and 
had gradually grown grey with dust 
and age, except where all traces of its 
natural colour were obliterated by ink- 
stains. Upon the table, were nume- 
rous littie bundles of papers tied with 
red tape ; and behind it, sat an elderly 
clerk, whose sleek appearance, and 
heavy gold watch-chain, presented im- 
posing indications of the extensive 



254 



posyHUHoro papers, -ov 



BoAAnenAre praetioft of Mr Seij«fuit 
&uibbiB. 

<<Is the Setjeaml in his voon, Mp. 
MaUaardt" inqaund Perkw, offering 
bii box wilii all imaginable «ourtM|^ 

« Y60 ke ifly** waa the vepj^ «bal 
he 'a very- buflgr» Look hem ;- not an 
opiaioB given yet, on ^any one .«f theae 
caaoa ; and an eiqpeditioa fee paid 
with all of 'em.'' The olerk amOedi 
aa heaaid thia, and inhaled the .pinah. 
of snuff with a zest which aeeaaiBd'to 
be oomponndad of a fgndnaaa for amtf 
and a lehah iat. feea.f 

« Something like praetioethaV 



« Yes," said the baniatsr*B alorii, 
prodncing his own box, and ofEsring it 
with the greatest eoiidiality ; *^ and 'the 
beet of it is, that aa nobody alive 
except mywlf can read the Seijeanf s 
writinff , tiiey are obliaed to wait for 
the opmiona, when he haa given thesi, 
tiU I havo copied *eni, har-h»-4ui ! " 

« Whidi miUKea good. lor we knov^ 
who, beaidea the fieijeaat, and dnam a> 
little more, out of the ehentSy.eh ! "' 
aajd Porker ;<' Ha, h^ha.li" Atihiaj 

the Serjeani'a dark "hHwM'«l;B«^ 
not a noiqr boistenma laiiab» 'but a 
dlent, intomal chnckle, which iir* 
Pickwick disliked to hear. When e 
man bleeds inwaidly, it ia e daaseroos 
thing for himself ; but when he hoi^ 
inwiurdly, it faodsa no good to othor 
people. 

" Yott havenH made me- out; thai 
little list of the fees^ihai I^ in yowr 
deb^ have you 1 " said Perken 

*^ No, I have not,*' rejdied the derk. 

''I wish you woald^" said.Perker^ 
^ Let me have them, and 1*11 send you 
a cheque. But I suppose you're too 
busy pocketing the veadv moaey^ to 
think of the defatara, eh ! ha, ha, ha I " 
This sally seemed to iickle the; clerk 
amazingly^ and he once more' enjoyed 
a little quiet lau^ to himself. 

« But, Mr. MiOlard, my dear friend,*' 
said Periony suddenly recovering his 
gravity, and drawing the great man's 
great man into a comer, by the lappel 
of his coat ; ** you must persuade the 
Serjeant to see me,, and my cUeoft 
here." 



^Gome, ooBis/* said the > deric^ 
<<that^a not bad dthWi See «tha: 
Serjeant ! come^ that 'a too absnrdif^ 
Noiwithatandittg the ahsnvdity> of the 
PTapnaal, however^ the da& aUoired 
hiniiell to be geaily *draKn beyendithe • 
hearing of Mx4 Piokwiak; and after a 
short conversation eondacied in whia- 
pei% walked aofidy down » little dark 
nassage, and disappeared into the 
legal .himinary*s sanetnm i. whence he 
shortly retunied * on ^tiploey and in^ 
fonned Mr. Perkerand Mr« PiekwidL 
that the Serjeant had been pon s v ail e d 
npca, in violalioa of all established 
ruleai and «n8tom8,:to admit. ^lem ai 



!»» 



MTi Serieaat Smtbhiniwas a l aiiUmfe ' 
&cad, . safiow-oomplexianod ma%i: of ■ 
abent! ftve^ead^ibfty, tir-««as the aiotela ■ 
say>-he might be fifty. He* had thai 
dnllJocJdngi boiled' eye wfaicb.-is so 
often to be seen in the heada of peo^ 
who have ^qptted^^iheaBadvea .during 
many yearaio a weary and laharioos 
coarse of study $ and. wbadi wooM 
have been anffiAni, withomt 'the.iaddi». i 
tioaal ^e-glaaa.wludi danAd iromiK 
bcioadhlaekirifaaBd round hianecky. -to 
warn a stranger that he waa vnrrnear* 
sirhted. Hii hair (wavlhin and wei^, 
whkb waa fiartly attaribntebda to kia 
having sew deyejfeed»nnMh timeio its 
aoai^ement^iand partly to hia having 
worn for five-and-twenty year8>'*ihe: 
forensic -wig whidi -kuag en. a block 
beside, him. This marica of hair- 
powder, on hia coaisooUar^ and theiU'^ 
washed and worBdied' white necker^.^ 
chiefamnidthitf throaty ahowed thathe . 
had not found leisure mnce he left the.* 
court-to maba any : altemAion in his 
dress : while thedovenly style of the- 
remainder of hie costume warranted 
the inferenee that his personal appear- 
ance would not have bete very modi 
improved if he had. Booka of prao- 
tice^ heapa of -papers^ and. opened 
letters, were scattered over the iaUe^ 
without any attempt at order or-ar* 
rangement ; the furniture of the room 
was old and rickettv ; the doors of the 
bodD>case were rottmg in their hioges ; 
the dust, flew out from the carpet in 
little clouds at every step ; the Minda 



THB PICKWICK CLUa 



255 



wese yelloir wHh age woA dirt ; and 
the state of ererytfahig In the room 
sboiired, with a elcanMM not to be 
miatBlEMV ihaA JSxi Setjeaot Snubfain 
wfur.tfar too mneh ooenpied with :hiB 
pTfrfesBMBal^paraiks to teke any great 
need or >xegHPd-«f hia.penMnn coin** 
farta. : 

The Serjeant aias writing irfaen hia 
dioDrtaaiteied ; he.ixywed abatneteday 
when Mr. Pickwick waa introdneed by 
hia aoliotor ^ andiheoy maticmuig them 
to a aeai^ pnt'.his -peso- caxofolly in the 
inhatend^ nnraed hi» . left:, legv and 
waited to be apelcen to.. 

** Mr. Picksviok as the defendaDt in 
Bakdell fuid Pidkwiek^'fiegjeant' finnb* 
biD^^! saklPerkeR > 

^ I am^xetaiBed in that^am 1 1 " aud 
thaSerjeantb 

** Yon are^ air/' replied Petker. ' 
Th6 Serjeant •nodded hi&'heady and 
waited for aomething eke; 

^ Mr. Pickwick was anxunia.to caH 

npoo .you, Serjeant Sniibbhi^" 'said 

Perker, *'ixi atiie to yoii^<befare; you 

entered upon the ease, thaLlie deniea. 

there being any ground or preteace 

whatever for the actMO agamat hiin ; 

and .thai anleBalie«aa»Hit0iOoiixAiwith 

dean hands, and.' withOBft, the- meat i 

conscientiouacottvietion that^he waa 

right in reasating the-plaiatiff'^ denand, 

he would. not be thedee at all. . .1 believe 

I state your viewa eoneetly ; do I not^- 

my. dear, orf said, the litde many 

tmnaingto Mc^ Pickwiok. 

" Quite ao/' replied, that geofleman.^ 

Mr. Serjeant Snubhin umokled hia 

gUsaesysaised them to hia eyes ^ and, 

afber locddng at Mr. Piokwiek for a few 

aeoonda wi£ great curioaityy'tamed to 

Mr. Perker, and aaid« aminng alightly 

as he i^oke : 

" HasMr.Pickinok a strong ease ? " 

The attorney shztiiggBdhis-ifoalders. 

<<X)o you purpoee icfdhng witneaaea V* 

«No/^ 

The smile on the Serjeant^a eounte- 
nance became more-defined $ he rooked 
his leg with inereaaed viol^iee ; and, 
throwing himself back in hia .easy" 
chair^ couf^ed dubioualy. 

Th^se tokraia of the Serjeant'a pre* 
aentiments on the .subject sli^t aa 



they weve, waare not^ kst en Mr: Pidk-< 
wide. . He settied thet.speotaele%.. 
thiough whieh 'he<hadiatteBitiiedy re* ■■ 
gaided aooh demimsdaliiimii .of :the 
baniater'aiiBelingaa^ had^permitted 
himself to exhibit^ more, firmly on hia • 
nose ; and aaid with-graatenergy/and 
in utter dsaregaanlef alliMrt Perker's 
admonitory winkinga and fipowiiinga.: . 

^ My wiabingto waitupoByott^foisuch 
a pmrpnae aaitfaia,.aiFy appears^ I have<t 
no doubt^ to a gemfleoiaB who aeea^ ao .• 
mud&. of these matters- as •yott'onuat 
neoaaaarily do, a very:extraordiiHiqrT 
drcnmstBBce.^'i 

The Seijeant.tried to Isok giawJ y at 
the fire, but the smile came baofcagaiiu 

*' GeotleaiaB of yomr .ppaf a o Bk>%air,'*' 
coatiniKd Mr.. Pickmek^ •** see . ithe : 
wont ^ aide oi <huma&inatmn»>MiU.itor 
diqpiitea,;aU ita.ill-witt and<bad blood, 
rise up before- yoa. *>> Yon ' kne w fe em 
your^expesMDcetef .9unea'<i meaik no 
diapangement ^ you^ er tiiem) how . 
muehjdepeDdaupon^^Sief rand you are ' 
apt to atteifauto'to stibersf-a desue^^-to . 
use,for purpoaea af deceptKm and aelBr < 
interest, the very instruments. whidi 
you, ( in .pure- honeaty^ andi honour, of 
purpoae,- and with a laudable deaue>to 
do your utmost <£or jour idientj. know 
the temper anEdwordb of ao well, from ■ 
conatantly jOBBpioyiBg tHhem youvadves. 
I really believe tth^^to this. drcam< 
staaee. may. be attrybated the vulgar 
but veiy general notion of your bein^ 
aa a faody,.auspidou8, diaferoatliil, and 
OTer^eantious* . ConacHHia as I am, air, 
of ihedisadvantage^of lAaldagauch a 
deelaaation to youy under auch circnm* 
staocaa, I havie coraeihere^ beeauae I 
widii yon-diadnetiy to understand, aa 
my fnend Mr. Pericer haa .aaid, that I 
am innocent of the falsehood. laid to 
my charge-; and although I amtivery 
well aware of the. inestimable ii^dne <of 
your assistanee^ air, I must beg to add, 
that unless you sincerdy behave^thiay 
I would rather be deprived of the aid 
of your talenta than have the advastage 
of them." 

Long before the doee of thia address, 
which we are bound to say waa' of a 
very prosy character for M^. PickwidE, 
the Serjeant had:.ie]apaed into a state 



256 



POSTHUMOUS PAPERS OF 



of abstractioii. After some minutes, 
howeyer, daring which he had re- 
assomed his pen, he appeared to be 
affain aware of the presence of his 
cuents ; and, raising his head from the 
paper, said, rather snappishly, 

<< Who 's with me in tnis case ! ** 

^ Mr. Phunky, Serjeant Snubbm,'* 
replied the attorney. 

« Phunky, Phunky," said the Ser- 
jeant ; ^ I never heard the name before. 
He must be a very young man." 

** Yes, he is a very young man," 
replied the attorney. ^He was only 
called the other day. Let me see — 
he has not been at the Bar eight 
years yet" 

« Ah, I ihous^t not," said the Ser- 
jeant, in that sort of pitying tone in 
which ordinary folks would speak of a 
▼ery helpless Utde child. << Mr. Mal- 
lard, send round to Mr. — Mr. — ." 

« Phunky's— Holbom Court, Gray's 
Inn," interposed Perker. (Holbom 
Comrt, by tiie bye, is South Square 
now). <'Mr. Phunky, and say I 
shoidd be glad if he'd step here, a 
moment." 

Mr. Mallard departed to execute his 
commission ; and Serjeant Snubbin 
relapsed into abstraction until Mr. 
Phimky himself was introduced. 

Although an infant barrister, he was 
a foU-grown man. He had a very 
nervous manner, and a painful hesita- 
tion in his speech ; it cQd nqt appear 
to be a natural defect, but seemed 
rather the result of timidity, arising 
from the consciousness of being ^ kept 
down " by want of means, or mterest, 
or connexion, or impudence, as the 
case might be. He was overawed by 
the Serjeant, and profoundly courteous 
to the attorney. 

** I have not had the pleasureof seeing 
you before, Mr. Phunky," said Ser- 
jeant Snubbin, with haughty conde- 
scension. 

Mr. Phunky bowed. He had had 
the pleasure of seeing the Serjeant, 
and of envying him too, with all a 
poor man's envy, for eight years and 
a quarter. 

M-You are with me in this case, I 
understand t " said the Serjeant. 



If Mr. Phunky had been a rich 
man, he would have instantly sent for 
his clerk to remind him ; if he had 
been a wise one, he would have applied 
his fore-finger to his forehead, and 
endeavoured to recollect, whether, in 
the niultiplicity of his engagements he 
had undertaken this one, or not ; but 
as he was neither rich nor wise (in 
this sense at all events) he turned red^ 
and bowed. 

*<Have you read the papers, Mr. 
Phunky 1 " inquired the Serjeant 

Here again, Mr. Phunky should have 
professed to have forgotten all about 
the merits of the case ; but as he had 
read such papers as had been laid 
before him in tlie course of the action, 
and had thought of nothing else, 
waking or sleeping, throughout the 
two months during which he had been 
retained as Mr. Serjeant Snubbin's 

i'unior, he turned a deeper red, and 
►owed again. 

«This is Mr. Pickwick," said the 
Serjeant, waving his pen in the direc- 
tion in which that gentieman was 
standing. 

Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick 
with the reverence which a first client 
must ever awaken ; and again inclined 
his head towards his leader. 

^ Perhaps you will take Mr. Pick- 
wick away," said the Serjeant, ''and 
— and — and — ^hear anything Mr. Pick- 
wick may wish to conununicate. We 
shall have a consultation, of course.'^ 
With this hint that he had been inter- 
rupted quite long enough, Mr. Ser- 
jeant Snubbin, who had been gradually 
growing more and more abstracted, 
, applied his glass to his eyes for. an 
instant, bow^ slightiy round, and was 
once more deeply immersed in the 
case before him : which arose out of an 
interminable lawsuit, originating in 
the act of an individual, deceased a 
century or so ago, who had stopped up 
a pathway leading from some place 
wmch nobody ever came from, to 
sonie other place which nobody ever 
went to. 

Mr. Phunky would not hear of pass- 
ing through any door until Mr. Pick- 
wick and his solicitor had passed 



THE PICKWICK CLUB. 



257 



through before him, so it was some 
time before they got into the Square ; 
and when they did reach it, they 
walked up and down, and held a long 
conference, the result of which was, 
that it was a very difficult matter to 
•ay how the yerdict would go ; that 
nobody could presume to cal<»ilate on 
the issue of an action ; that it was 



very lucky they had preyented the 
other party from getting Serjeant 
Snubbin ; and other topics of doubt 
and consolation, common in such a 
position of affiurs. 

Mr. Weller was then roused by his 
master from a sweet sleep of an hour's 
duration ; and, bidding adieu to Low- 
ten, they returned to 3ie City. 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

DBSCKIBES, FAR MORE FULLT THAN THB COURT NEWSMAN EVER DID, A 
BACHBLOR^S PARTT, GIVEN BT MR. BOB SAWYER AT HIS L0D6IN0S IN THB 
BOROUGH. 



There is a repose about Lant 
Street, in the Borough, which sheds 
a gentle melancholy upon the souL 
There are always a good many houses 
to let in the street : it is a bye-street 
too, and its dulness is soothing. A 
house in Lant Street would not come 
within the denomination of a first-rate 
residence, in the strict acceptation of 
the term ; but it is a most desirable 
spot nevertheless. If a man wished to 
abstract himself from the world ; to 
remove himself from within the reach 
of temptation ; to place himself beyond 
tiie possibility of any inducement to 
look out of the window ; he should 
by all means go to Lant Street. 

In this happy retreat are colonised 
a few defor-starchers, a sprinkling of 
journeymen bookbinders, one or two 
prison agents for the Insolvent Court, 
several small housekeepers who are 
employed in the Docks, a handful of 
mantua-makers, and a seasoning of 
jobbing tailors. The majority of the 
inhabitants either direct their energies 
to the letting of furnished apartments, 
or devote themselves to the healthful 
and invigorating pursuit of mangling. 
The chief features in the still life of 
the street, are green shutters, lodging- 
bills, brass door-plates, and bell- 
handles ; the principal specimens of 
animated nature, me pot-boy, the 
muffin youth, and the baked-potato 
man. The population is migratory. 

No. 17. 



usually disappearing on the verge of 
quarter-day, and generally by night. 
His Majesty's revenues are seldom 
collected in this happy valley ; the 
rents are dubious ; and the water 
communication is very frequently cut 
off. 

Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one 
side of the fire, in his first-floor front, 
early on the evening for which he had 
invited Mr. Pickwick ; and Mr. Ben 
Allen the other. The preparations 
for the reception of visitors appeared 
to be completed. The umbrellas in 
the passage had been heaped into the 
little comer outside the back-parlour 
door ; the bonnet and shawl of the 
landlady's servant had been removed 
from the bannisters ; there were not 
more than two pairs of pattens on the 
street-door mat ; and a kitchen candle, 
with a very long snuff, burnt cheer- 
fully on the ledge of the staircase 
window. Mr. Bob Sawver had him- 
self purchased the spirits at a wine 
vaults in High Street, and had returned 
home preceding the bearer thereof, to 
preclude the possibUity of their de- 
livery at the wrong house. The pundi 
was ready-made in a red pan m the 
bed-room ; a little table, covered with 
a green baize cloth, had been borrowed 
from the parlour, to play at cards on ; 
and the glasses of the establishment, 
together with those which had been 
borrowed for the occasion firom the 

s 



258 



POSTHUMOUS PAPBR8 OF 



pabKo4ioii8e^ w«re all dxam up. in a 
tray, vhioh was depoBited on- the iand- 
iBfoiiteide the doov. 

Notwililistaisdiiig the highly latiafiM- 
tory nature of all these amatgemeaia, 
ibafe waa a chmd €ai> ikm eeuntoaance 
of Mr. Beh. Samryer, aa he aafc by* the 
flre-Btde. There was a gymfwrthiiBng- 
expreMion, too, in tiie leatoreaof Ittr. 
Ben Allen, as he gazed intently on the 
coals ; and a tone of melancholy in 
his Toice, aa he said^ after a long 
silence : 

^ Well, it is unlucky she should 
liave taken it in her head to turn sour, 
• jusi on this oecaeiogu Ski HUghA.at 
leaat have wailed till to-mMrvoaiw'' 

" That 's her malevolence ; that 's 
her malevolence," returned Mr. Bob 
Shwyer, vehemeatly. ^ She says that 
If I can afford to give a party I ought 
to be abfe to aS^rd to pay her con- 
founded « little bBl.*'' 

^How long has it been running f ** 
inquired Mr. Ben Allen-. A b91, by 
the bye, is the most extraordinary 
locomotiTe engine that the genius of 
man ever produced. It would keep 
on running during' the longest life- 
time, without ever once stopping of its' 
own accord. 

* Only a quarter, and a month orso,'' 
replied ^Mr, Bob Sawyer. 

Ben AHieir coujghed hopelessfy, and 
directed a searchmg look between the 
two top bars of the stove. 

** It '11 be a deuced* unj^eflsant thing 
if sh^ takes it into her head to let out, 
when those fellows are here, won^ it ! " 
said Mr. Ben Allen at length. 

"Horrible^" repKed Bob Sawyer, 
•horrible.*' 

A low tap was heard at Htse room- 
door. Mr Bob Sawyer looked expres- 
sively at his friend, and bade the tapper 
come in ; whereupon a dirty sli^hod 
girl in black cotton stockmgs, who 
'might have passed for the ne^eted 
daughter of a superamiaated dustman 
m veryTeduced circumstances, thrust 
in her head, and'said, 

'^ Please, Mister Sawyei^ Missis 
Haddle wants to speak i» yow," 

Before Bfr'. BohSawysr could xeinm 
ftny answer^' the giri^ suddenfy disap- 



peared witii a jerk^aa if soiDebody had 
given hflva violent puU behind ; this 
onrsterioaa exit was no soonar aoeem- 
phshed^ ihaa. thai!* waa anothea tap.at 
the doap-— a smart pointed tap>, which 
seenaed ta say, ** Here I am,, aiidi in 
I 'm cemiBg.V 

Mn Bob Safwyer daiioed:a^ his 
friend with a look of abject apprehen- 
sion, and once more crieid " Come in." 

The permission was not at all neces- 
sary, for, before Mr. Bob Sawyer had 
uttered the words, a little fierce woman 
bounced into the room, all in a tremble 
with passion, and pale with rage. 

^ Now Mr. Sawyec^" said ^ little 
fieree woman, tvying .to wpear very 
calm, '* if vou '11 have the kmdness to 
settle that uttle bill of mine I '11 thank 
you, befSmse I Ne got ray rentito pay 
this afleraoony aad my landlovd** a 
waiting belo^ now;" Hera the< little 
woman rubbed ho* hands, and looked 
steadily over Mr. Bob Sawyer's, head, 
at the wall b^uad him. 

^ I am Tery sorry to pal you taany 
ineoirrenienoe, Mrs. BadsQe^'* saabBob 
Sawyer deltsrentially, *bufri— ** 

^'Oh, it isn't any incoDvanienfle," 
replfed the little womao, witkfk shiill 
tiitep. '*•! didnH want it pasticniar 
before to^^y; leastways, as it ha» to 
go* to my laia^ord directly,' it- waa as 
weH' for yon ta keep it, as mo. You 
promised me this afternoon, Mr. Satw- 
yer, and every gentleman as haa ever 
lived here, has kept hia word, sir, as 
of course anybody as oaUa Imnaelf 
a gentleman, doea" "Manx. Raddle 
tossed her head, bit her Upe, rubbed 
her hands harder, and leoked atdiie 
wali more steaiUly than ever. It was 
plain to see, aa Mr. Bob Sarwyer-Te- 
marked in a style of eaatsm aifegnry 
OB' a subsequent occasion, that she was 
'^gettmg the stoam up^^ 

<^I am veiy sorry, Mrs. Baddla," 
said* Bob Sawyer wi^ i^ imaginable 
humility, ^ but the fact is, that I have 
been- disappointed in the City t»>day." 
— Extraordsaary pkwe that eity. An 
ast e nirfH n gmnAwrof aaen ahoya one 
getting disappomted there. 

<<We», Mn Smryer," said Mrs. 
Raddle, phmting heteelf iimly on a 



TBfB PICK'WICK CLUir. 



259 



purple cauliflower in llie KiddemunBter 
carpet, '^ and what 's that to me^ sir 1 " 

« I — I — ^have no donbt, M>s. Rad- 
dle," said Bob Sawyer^ blinking this 
last questkni, ^ Hiat before ^b» middle 
of next week w& fihall be able to- set 
ourselves quite sqnare, and go on, on a 
better systontj f^terwards.'' 

This was 2UI Mrs. Raddle wanted. 
She had bustled up to the apartment 
of the unlucky Bob Sawyer, so bent 
upon going into a passion, thal^ in all 
probability, payment would have rather 
disappointed her than otherwise.- She 
was in excellent order for a little relax- 
ation of the kind : having just exchanged 
a few introductory complimesxta with 
Mr. R. in ^e f^Mmt kitchen.. 

" Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer," 
sud Mrs. Raddle> elevating her voice 
for the. information- of tlie neighbonas, 
^' do you suppose that I 'm- a-going