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Full text of "The pilgrimage to Parnassus with the two parts of The return from Parnassus. Three comedies performed in St. John's college, Cambridge, A.D. 1597-1601. Ed. from mss. by the Rev. W.D. Macray"

l/U 








'Sttoam 



OF THE 



BY 





The Pilgrimage to Parnassus 



WITH 



The Tivo Parts of 

The Return from Parnassus 



HENRY FROWDE 




OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS WAREHOUSE 
AMEN CORNER, E.G. 





HE PILGRIMAGE TO 

PARNASSUS with THE 
TWO PARTS OF THE 
RETURN FROM PARNASSUS. 
Three Comedies performed in ST. 
JOHN'S COLLEGE CAMBRIDGE 
A.D. MDXCVII-MDCI. Edited 
from MSS. by the REV. IV. D. 
MA CRAY, M.A., F.S.A. 



OXFORD AT THE CLARENDON PRESS 
MDCCCLXXXVI 



PR 



Ps- 



[All rights reserved} 




PREFACE. 



HE present volume contains a trilogy of dramas 
which, although known to have once existed, has 
lain perdu to the world from the time of its com 
position, except with regard to the third part. That 
third part was twice printed in 1606, rather more than four 
years after the date of its first representation ; was reprinted 
in the last century ; was included a few years ago in Mr. 
W. Carew Hazlitt's edition of Dodsley's Select Plays ; and 
in 1879 obtained a place in Prof. Arber's English Scholars 
Library. But why this third part should alone have been 
published by its author does not clearly appear ; it was 
described by its eighteenth-century editor, Thos. Hawkins, 
in somewhat exaggerated terms, as being ' perhaps the most 
singular composition in our language,' but its singularity of 
design and character is shared equally by the earlier parts, 
which display also as much humour and are fuller of illus 
trations of the academic life of the period. They have, 
unhappily, as much too of that coarseness which is such a 
blot on the popular literature of the time, but they have no 
such pages of repulsive rant as are assigned at the close of 
the third part to the extravagant characters Furor Poeticus 
and Phantasma. Probably the secret of the greater 
popularity of the third part may be found in the personal 
satire expressed in 'the character of the Recorder. In him 
is personified Francis Brackyn, who in his office as Re 
corder of Cambridge incurred extreme unpopularity in the 

b 



University by maintaining the right of the Mayor to 
precedency over the Vice-Chancellor in certain cases. 1 He 
had already been satirized m'Club-Law t a play acted at 
Clare Hall in 1597-8 ; and it is possible that he may also 
be the lawyer who at a later date figures as Ignoramus in 
Ruggles' famous comedy. It may well be that it was on 
this account that the last part of our trilogy won the 
greater popularity amongst the academic auditors to 
whose sympathies it appealed ; and the prominence 
given through its second title, The Scourge of Simony ', to 
that portion of the play which represents the lawyer's 
co-operation with a patron in the sale of an ecclesiastical 
benefice, makes it also probable that the latter greedy 
reprobate, called by the different names of Sir Frederick, 
Sir Raderick, and Sir Randall, may have been some other 
easily recognised and notorious character of the time. It 
was only some twenty-five years before that a statute had 
been passed (13 Eliz. cap. 6) forbidding the taking money 
for presentation to a vacant benefice, and making that an 
offence by civil law which had before been only cognizable 
under canon law, but no doubt unscrupulous patrons and 
lawyers had already begun to find ways for driving the 
proverbial coach and horses through the technicalities 
of the enactment. 

The first two comedies are now printed from a MS. 
preserved in one of Thomas Hearne's volumes of miscellane 
ous collections in the Bodleian Library. With a true sense 
of the possible value to others, if not to himself, of all 
remnants of earlier times, of the very rags of writings, 
Hearne (who, in the words of his self-written epitaph, 
' studied and preserved antiquities ' in a way for which we 
of the later generations can never be too grateful) stored up 

1 See Mr. James Bass Mullinger's University of Cambridge 1535-1625, 
published in 1884, p. 526. An abstract of the third play is there given at 
pp. 522-526. 



v 

all kinds of papers, binding them together just as they came 
to his hands, in most admired confusion. His MSS. now 
form part of Dr. Richard Rawlinson's vast collection ; and 
there, in one of his mixed volumes numbered Rawlinson D 
398, I met with these lost plays. The MS. consists of 
twenty folio leaves (besides one outside leaf) written 
evidently by a copyist, who, as evidently, has sometimes 
been unable to read, or too careless to read, his original 
correctly. The stage directions are written in pale red ink. 
There is a curious peculiarity in the scribe's spelling, which 
may perhaps help to determine his provincial locality; words 
ending in ce> such as ' once,' ' fence,' ' hence,' are written 
without the final <?, ' one/ ' fenc/ ' henc.' And * they ' is 
frequently used for ' the.' On the outside leaf is written, as 
an owner's name, ' Edmunde Rishton, Lancastrensis.' It is 
possible that, as the plays w r ere acted at St. John's College, 
this person was a member of the College ; but as un 
fortunately the registers there only reach back to the year 
1634 (as I am informed by Mr. J. B. Mullinger), there 
are no means of tracing him through College records. Nor 
has Mr. J. Eglington Bailey, whose knowledge with respect 
to the families and worthies of Lancashire is extensive and 
well known, been able to identify him by this his short 
local description of himself. And while this mark of owner 
ship connects this MS. with a northern county, it is worthy 
of notice that the second MS., to be described further on, 
came to its present possessor's hands from a library in the 
north. 1 We should be prepared therefore to look thither 
for the author ; and in the prologue to the second play we 
seem to find some evidence that he was a native of Cheshire. 
The two lines in the professed description of the author, 

'Hee never since durst name a peece of cheese, 
Though Chessire seems to priviledge his name,' 

1 The provincial philologist will, I believe, find words of northern use not 
infrequent ; e.g. * scoping.' 

b 2 



viii preface* 

appear to connect him with that county, although the 
allusion is one which, in our ignorance of the author, defies 
explanation. If the lines preceding these are to be taken 
au serieux, and not simply as jocular, he was one who had 
failed to secure his B.A. hood at Cambridge, and had 
migrated thence to Germany, where he had at last obtained 
some ' silie poore degree ' ; and then, it would seem, had 
returned to his Alma Mater. 

The plays were all of them ' Christmas toys.' The date 
of the third has been proved from internal evidence (see 
Prof. Arber's Introduction to his reprint) to be December, 
1 60 1. The fresh readings in the prologue to that play, 
which have bcn gained from Mr. Halliwell-Phillipps' MS., 
show us that the first part (which was written in three 
days) was acted four years before, i.e. in December, 1597, 
and that the third was the final conclusion of the series. 
That prologue tells us also that the author and a friend, 
described as the Philomusus and Studioso of the comedies, 
had meanwhile been to Italy, which we learn also from the 
fourth scene of the first act. The two friends represent 
themselves as having contemplated, in the mercenary hope 
of profitable preferment, secession abroad to that Roman 
Faith for which many others had at that time abandoned 
both Cambridge and Oxford, but finding that ' discontented 
clerks ' could not get a cardinal's cap as easily as they 
expected, they preferred want at home to mendicancy at 
Rome or Rheims ; in this, no doubt, satirizing the supposed 
motives of some of the Roman converts. We learn too 
that the earlier plays had been acted more than once at 
Cambridge, although some of the allusions which appear 
to imply this, viz. those to the ' sophisters' knocks ' and 
the ' butler's box,' are by no means clear. 

In the former printed texts of the third play there are 
frequent passages which are unintelligible from errors of 
the press. These are now rendered clear by readings 



gained from a MS. in the possession of Mr. Halliwell- 
Phillipps, for the use of which I am greatly indebted to that 
gentleman. The new readings show how fair a field is 
really open to conjecture in the attempted correction of old 
texts for which no MS. authority exists, and justify much 
of the conjectural criticism which is applied to Shakespearean 
difficulties. 1 They prove also the critical acumen and 
ingenuity of Edm. Malone, since several of the corrections 
are found to correspond with emendations noted fry him, as 
apparently his own guesses, in the margins of one of his 
printed copies. 2 The MS. in question forms a small 
quarto volume, in a parchment cover, and is written by 
a contemporary hand. There is no trace of authorship 
or ownership ; but it came to its present possessor's hands 
from an old family library, where it may well have been 
from the days of James I. 

It has already been mentioned that this third play was 
twice printed in the year 1606. Both the editions were 
printed at London by G. Eld for John Wright, and are 
exactly similar in title-page and appearance. But there are 
frequent verbal variations in their texts. The one which 
is here designated in the foot-notes as ' B ' is that which 
was used by Mr. Arber for his reprint. Unfortunately this 
is by far (as the notes show) the less correct of the two. 
The other, designated as 'A,' has been adopted in the 
main for the text here given, with the corrections of the 
MS. (enclosed in brackets) and occasionally a few correc 
tions also from ' B.' Of both these editions there are 
copies in Malone's collection in the Bodleian Library. 

For illustrations of University life and scholars' struggles 



1 It is needless here to point out to those who will examine text and notes 
the many corrections which are gained from the MS. It is enough to refer to 
p. 87 for the important correction in the first of the lines upon Shakespeare, 
and to p. 139 for the reading of ' size que' for ' sice kne.' 

3 These places are pointed out in the footnotes of the various readings. 



the newly-recovered plays will be found very curious and 
interesting. Very witty and amusing, too, and full of real 
life-like character, are the pictures of the carrier Leonard and 
the tapster Simson, and the village churchwarden Perceval. 
But the chief interest lies in the fresh notices afforded of 
Shakespeare, of so early a date as 1600. The quotations 
with which Gullio interlards his discourse, and which he 
appropriates as his own, the respect with which he speaks 
of the poet as ' Mr. Shakspeare,' his declaration that he will 
have his picture in his study and keep his Venus and Adonis 
under his pillow, and the preference which he gives at once 
to lines that profess to imitate Shakespeare before those 
which imitate Chaucer and Spenser, are all signs of the 
popularity which had already been won. But it is popu 
larity only with a certain class. The notices in the third 
play seem (as Mr. Mullinger has remarked, Univ. of Cambr. 
p. 524 ft.) ' to convey the notion that Shakespeare is the 
favourite of the rude half-educated strolling players, as 
distinguished from the refined geniuses of the University.' 
And those in the second play, which all come from the 
mouth of Gullio, the arrant braggart, the empty pretender 
to knowledge, and the avowed libertine, and from his page, 
tend to show that while the Venus and Adonis was the 
best known of the already published writings, this in the 
esteem of Cambridge scholars made Shakespeare to be re 
garded as specially being the favourite of the class which 
that character represents. Certainly the popularity assigned 
to him is not of a sort to be desired ; but the popularity 
itself is indisputable. 

A comparison with Bishop Hall's Satires brings to view 
a great similarity alike in subjects and in language. The 
second book of the Satires deals, in fact, with many of the 
abuses of which our unknown author treats. The second 
satire in that book is a complaint of the poverty of scholars ; 



xi 

the third deals with lawyers ; the fourth with doctors *; 
the fifth with the growing sin of simony, in relation to which 
we meet with the same term of ' steeple-fair ' which is used 
infra at p. 137 ; the sixth is respecting the engagement of 
a tutor, in which the conditions are very nearly identical, 
and the payment wholly so, 'five marks and winter -livery.' 
The Satires were first printed in 1597 ; and the coincidences 
are so many and striking that it is plain that the writer of 
the plays had them at least freshly in remembrance, and 
may even have been consciously borrowing ideas from 
them. 

It may be well to mention that in the first two plays I 
have supplied the punctuation, the MS. itself being but 
scantily pointed. In regard to the third I have followed the 
example of previous editors, and have left the punctuation 
as it is found in the edition of 1606 noted as A, bad and 
irregular as that often is, and have also retained capital 
letters as there given, in order that the text of that edition 
may be correctly represented. 

1 By both writers the medical consultation-fee is said to be a groat ; to which 
in the play the patient of his bounty adds eight pence. 



CONTENTS. 

THE PILGRIMAGE TO PARNASSUS i 

THE RETURN FROM PARNASSUS 25 

THE RETURN FROM PARNASSUS (PART II), OR THE SCOURGE 

OF SIMONY 76 

NOTES 155 

GLOSSARY 158 



THE 

PILGRIMAGE TO PARNASSUS. 



actors. 



CONSILIODORUS. AMORETTO. 

PHILOMUSUS. INGENIOSO. 

STUDIOSO. CLOWNE. 

MADIDO. DROMO. 
STUPIDO. 



PROLOGUE. 

SPECTATORS, take youe noe severe accounte 
Of our twoo pilgrims to Parnassus' mount. 
If youle take three daies studie in good cheare, 
Our muse is blest that ever shee came here. 
If not, wele eare noe more the barren sande, 
But let our pen seeke a more fertile lande. 



ACTUS I us . 
Enter CONSILIODORUS with PHILOMUSUS and STUDIOSO. 

Consil. Now, Philomusus, doe youre beardless years, 
Youre faire yonge spring time, and youre budded youth, 
Urge mee to advise youre younge untutord thoughte, 
And give gray-bearded counsell to youre age. 10 

Unto an ould man's speache one minute give, 
Who manie years have schooled how to live; 

B 



pilgrimage [ACH. 

To an advisinge tounge one halfe houre tende ; 

Whatsoere I speake experience hath pend. 

Perhaps this tounge, this minde-interpretor, 15 

Shall never more borrowe youre lisninge eare; 

Eare youe returne from greene Parnassus' hill 

My corps shall lie within some senceless urne, 

Some litel grave my ashes shall inclose. 

My winged soul 'gins scorne this slimie jayle 20 

And thinke upon a purer mansion. 

Elde summons mee to appeare at Pluto's courte, 

Amonge the shadie troups of aerie ghostes. 

He therefore counsell youe while I have time, 

For feare youre faire youth wither in her prime. 25 

Take good advise from him who lovs youe well ; 

Plaine dealing needs not Retoricks tinklinge bell. 

Philo. Father, what ere youre lovinge tounge shall utter, 
He drinke youre words with an attentive eare. 
Age in his speach a majestic doth beare. 30 

Stud. I love to heare love play the oratoure. 
Younge men's advise can beare but litell swaye, 
Counsell comes kindlie from a heade thats graye. 

ConsiL What wisedom manie winters hath begott 
Tyme's midwifrey at length shall bringe to light. 35 

Youe twoo are pilgrims to Parnassus' hill, 
Where with sweet nectar you youre vaines may fill ; 
Wheare youe maye bath youre drye and withered quills 
And teache them write some sweeter poetrie 
That may heareafter live a longer daye. 40 

There may youe bath youre lipps in Hellicon, 
And wash youre tounge in Aganippe's well, 
And teache them warble out some sweet sonnete 
To ravishe all the filde and neighbou re-groves; 
That aged Collin, leaninge on his staffe, 45 

Feedinge his milkie flocke upon the downs 



Act i.] to }9arna00u* 3 

May wonder at youre sweete melodious pips, 

And be attentive to youre harmonic. 

There may youre templs be adornd with bays ; 

There may youe slumber in sweet extasies ; 50 

There may you sit in softe greene lauriate shade, 

And heare the Muses warble out a laye, 

And mountinge singe like larke in somer's daye. 

There may youe scorne each Mydas of this age, 

Eache earthlie peasant and each drossie clowne, 55 

That knoweth not howe to weigh youre worthiness, 

But feedeth on beste corne, like a stall fed ass, 

Whose statelie mouth in scorne by wheate doth pass. 

I doe comende youre studious intent 

In that youe make soe faire a pilgrimage. 60 

If I were younge who nowe am waxen oulde, 

Whose yonts 1 youe see are dryde, benumd and coulde, 

Though I foreknewe that gold runns to the boore 

He be a scholler, though I live but poore. 

If youe will have a joyfull pilgrimage 65 

Youe muste be warie pilgrims in the waye, 

Youe muste not truste cache glozinge flatteringe vaine; 

Ofte when the sunn shins bright it straight will raine. 

Consorte not in the waye with graceless boys, 

That feede the taverne with theire idle coyne 70 

Till their leane purses starve at last for foode. 

O why shoulde schollers by unthriftiness 

Seeke to weaken theire owne poore estate! 

Let schollers be as thriftie as they maye, 

They will be poore ere theire last dyinge daye; 75 

Learninge and povertie will ever kiss. 

Each carter caries fortune by his side, 

But fortune will with schollers nere abide. 

Eschew all lozell, lazie, loiteringe gromes, 

All foggie sleepers and all idle lumps, 80 

1 joints? 
B 3 



pilgrimage [Acti. 

That doe burne out theire base inglorious days 

Without or frute or joye of theire loste time. 

Let lazie grill snorte till the midst of the day, 

Be you industrious pilgrims in the way. 

There is another sorte of smooth-faced youthes, 85 

Those Amorettoes that doe spend theire time 

In comminge of their smother-dangled heyre, 

The 1 court a lookinge glass from morne till nighte. 

Theise would entise youe to some curtezan, 

And tell youe tales of itchinge venerie ; 9 

But let not theire entisemente cause youre falls, 

Esteeme them as faire, rotten, painted walls. 

Nore will I have you truste each rugged browe, 

Each simple-seeminge mate, eache hearie chin ; 

Crafte ofte in suche plaine cottages doth in[n]. 95 

Associate yourselvs with studious youthes, 

That, as Catullus saith, devours the waye 

That leads to Parnassus where content doth dwell. 

Ilappie I wish maye be youre pilgrimage! 

Joyfull maye youe returne from that faire hill, 100 

And make the vallies heare with admiration 

Those songs which youre refined tounge shall singe. 

But what? doe I prolong my studious speache, 

Hindringe the forwarde hastninge of youre steps? 

Goe happilie with a swifte swallowes winge 105 

To Hellicon faire, that pure and happie springe! 

Returne triumphant with your laurell boughes, 

With Phoebus' trees decke youre deservinge brows! 

Haste, haste with speed unto that hallowed well! 

Soe take from mee a lovinge, longe farewell. no 

Philom. Farewell, good father ! and youre counsell sage 
Be my safe guide in this my pilgrimage! 

Stud. Farewell, good uncle! and youre wise-said says 
Keepe mee from devious and by-wandringe wayes ! 

That.' 



Act i.] to 

Consil. Farewell ! Farewell ! to parte with youe is paine, 
But haste! let not the sunn-lighte burne in vain! 116 

Philom. Come, Studioso, shall wee gett us gone? 
Thinks thou oure softe and tender feet canne bide 
To trace this roughe, this harsh, this craggie waye 
That leadeth unto faire Parnassus' hill? 120 

Stud. Why, man ! each lazie groome will take the paine 
To drawe his slowe feete ore the clayie lande, 
Soe he maye reste upon a faire greene banke. 
Theise pilgrims feete, which nowe take'wearie toile, 
Maie one day on a bedd of roses rest 125 

Amidst Parnassus' shadie laurell greene. 

Philom. But cann we hit this narowe curious waye, 
Where are such by wayes and erronious paths? 
Saye, whate the firste ile wee muste travell in? 129 

Stud. The firste lande that. wee muste travell in (as that 
oulde Hermite toulde me) is Logique. I have gotten Jack 
Seton's mapp to directe us through this cuntrie. This 
island is, accordinge to his discription, tnuche like Wales, 
full of craggie mountaines and thornie vallies. There are 
twoo robbers in this cuntrie caled genus and species., that take 
captive everie true mans invention that come by them ; 
Pacius in his returne from Parnassus hadd beene robt 
by these twoo forresters, but for one Carterus a lustie club 
man, muche like the PinderofWakfield, that defended him. 

Philom. Come let us jorney on with winged pace ; 140 
Rough way shall not dismay our studious mindes. 
Let us then hasten to our wished port, 
Longe is our jorney and the way 1 is short. 
Then, Phoebus, guide us to thy Hellicon, 
And when our ruder pipes are taught to singe 145 

The eccoinge wood with thy praise shall ringe. 

1 Read ' day' 1 



pilgrimage [>tii. 



ACT US Ilus. 
Enter MADIDO alone, reading Horace Epistles. 

Madi. O poeet Horace! if thou were alive I woulde 
bestowe a cupp of sacke on thee for theise liquid verses; 
theise are not drie rimes like Cato's, Si deus est animus, 
but the true moist issue of a poeticall soule. O if the 
tapsters and drawers knewe what thou sayest in the 
commendacon of takinge of liquoure, they would score 
up thy prayses upon everie but and barrell ; and, in faith, 
I care not if I doe for the benefite of the unlearned 
bestowe some of my English poetrie uppon thy Latin 
rimes, that this Romane tonge maye noe longer outface 
our poore Englishe skinkers. He onlie rouse up my muse 
out of her den with this liquid sacrifice, and then, have 

he drinks amongste youe, poets and rimers ! The common people will 
now thinke I did drincke, and did nothinge but conferr 
with the ghostes of Homer, Ennius, Virgill, and they J rest 

Horace's that dwell in this watterie region. Marke, marke! here 

verses springs a poeticall partridge ! Zouns ! I want a worde 
miserablely ! I must looke for another worde in my dic- 
tionarie ; I shall noe sooner open this pinte pott but the 

he drinks worc j e iik c a knave tapster will crie, Anon, Anon, Sir! 
Ey marye Sir ! nowe I am fitt to write a book ! Woulde 
anie leaden Mydas, anie mossie patron, have his asses 
ears deified, let him but come and give mee some prettie 
sprinkling to maintaine the expences of my throate, and 
He dropp out suche an encomium on him that shall imor- 
talize him as long as there is ever a booke-binder in 

he trans- Englande. But I had forgotten my frind Horace. Take 
not in snuffe (my prettie verses !) if I turne you out of 
youre Romane coate into an Englishe gaberdine. 175 



Act ii.] to 

[Enter PHILOMUSUS and STUDIOSO.] 

Philom. In faith, Madido, thy poetrie is good; 
Some gallant Genius doth possess thy corps. 

Stud. I think a furie ravisheth thy braine, 
Thou art in such a sweet phantasticke vaine. 
But tell mee, shall wee have thy companie 180 

Throughe this craggie ile, this harsh rough waye ? 
Wilt thou be pilgrime to Parnassus' hill? 

Madi. I had rather be a horse to grinde in mill. 
Zouns! I travell to Parnassus? I tell thee its not a pilgrim 
age for good wits. Let slowe-brainde Athenians travell 
thither, those drie sober youths which can away to reede 
dull lives, fustie philosophers, dustie logicians. Ile turne 
home, and write that that others shall reade ; posteritie 
shall make them large note books out of my writings. 
Naye, there is another thinge that makes mee out of love 
with this jorney ; there is scarce a good taverne or ale 
house betwixte this and Parnassus ; why, a poeticall spirit 
muste needs starve ! 

Philom. Naye, when thou comes to high Parnassus' hill 
Of Hellicons pure stream drincke thou thy fill. 195 

Stud. There Madido may quaff the poets boule, 
And satisfie his thirstie dryed soule. 

Madi. Nay, if I drinke of that pudled water of Hellicon 
in the companie of leane Lenten shadowes, let mee for a 
punishement converse with single beare soe long as I live ! 
This Parnassus and Hellicon are but the fables of the 
poets : there is noe true Parnassus but the third lofte in a 
wine taverne, noe true Hellicon but a cup of browne bastard. 
Will youe travell quicklie to Parnassus? doe but carie 
youre drie feet into some drie taverne, and straight the 
drawer will bid youe to goe into the Halfe Moone or the 
Rose, that is into Parnassus ; then call for a cup of pure 
Hellicon. and he will bringe youe a cup of pure hypocrise, 



8 



that will make youe speake leapinge lines and dauncinge 
periodes. Why, give mee but a quart of burnt sacke by 
mee, and if I doe not with a pennie worth of candles make 
a better poeme then Kinsaders Satyrs, Lodge's Fig for 
Momus, Bastard's Epigrams, Leichfild's Trimming of N ask, 
He give my heade to anie good felowe to make a memento 
mori oft O the genius of xij d ! A quart will indite manie 
livelie lines in an houre, while an ould drousie Academicke, 
an old Stigmaticke, an ould sober Dromeder, toiles a whole 
month and often scratcheth his witts' head for the bringinge 
of one miserable period into the worlde ! If therefore you 
be good felowes or wise felowes, travell noe farther in the 
craggie way to the fained Parnassus ; returne whome with 
mee, and wee will hire our studies in a taverne, and ere 
longe not a poste in Paul's churchyarde but shall be 
acquainted with our writings. 224 

PJtilom. Nay then, I see thy wit in drincke is drounde ; 
Wine doth the beste parte of thy soule confounde. 

Stud. Let Parnass be a fond phantasticke place, 
Yet to Parnassus He hould on my pace. 
But tell mee, Madido, how earnest thou to this ile? 229 

Madi. Well, lie tell youe ; and then see if the phisicke 
of good counsel will worke upon youre bodies. I tooke 
shippinge at Qui miJii discipulus, and sailed to Propria 
quac maribus ; then came to As in praesenti, but with great 
danger, for there are certaine people in this cuntrie caled 
schoolmaisters, that take passingers and sit all day whippinge 
pence out of there tayls ; these men tooke mee prisoner, 
and put to death at leaste three hundred rodes upon my 
backe. Henc traveled I into the land of Sintaxis> a land 
full of joyners, and from thenc came I to Prosodia, a litell 
iland, where are men of 6 feete longe, which were never 
mentioned in Sir John Mandefilde's cronicle. Hence did I 
set up my unluckie feete in this ile Dialcctica, where I can 



Act in.] to 

see nothinge but idees and phantasmes ; as soone as I came 
hither I began to reade Ramus his mapp, Dialectica est 
&c. ; then the slovenlie knave presented 4 mee with such an 
unsavorie worde that I dare not name it unless I had some 
frankensence readie to perfume youre noses with after. 
Upon this I threw away the mapp in a chafe, and came 
home, cursing my witless head that woulde suffer my head 
less feete to take such a tedious journey. 250 

Philom. The harder and the craggier is the waye 
The joy will be more full another day. 
Ofte pleasure got with paine wee dearlie deeme ; 
Things dearlie boughte are had in great esteeme. 

Madi. Come on, Come on, Tullie's sentences! Leave 
youre pulinge of prouerbs, and hearken to him that knowes 
whats good for youe. If you have anie care of youre eyes, 
blinde them not with goinge to Parnassus ; if you love youre 
feete, blister them not in this craggie waye. Staie with 
mee, and one pinte of wine shall inspire youe with more 
witt than all they nine muses. Come on! He lead you 
to a merie companie ! 

Stud. Fie, Philomusus! 'gin thy loitringe feet 
To faint and tire in this so faire a waie ? 
Each marchant for a base inglorious prize 265 

Fears not with ship to plowe the ocean ; 
And shall not wee for learnings glorious meede 
To Parnass hast with swallowe-winged speede ? 



PHILOM. STUDIO. STUPIDO. 

Philom. I'faithe, Studioso, I was almost wonne 
To cleave unto yonder wett phantasticke crewe ! 270 

I see the pinte pott is an oratoure ! 
The burnt sacke made a sweet oration 



io Clje pilgrimage [Actin. 

Againste Appollo and his followers ; 

Discourste howe schollers unregarded walke, 

Like threedbare impecunious animals, 375 

Whiles servinge men doe swagger it in silks, 

And each earth-creepinge peasant russet-coate 

Is in requeste for his well-lined pouche : 

Tolde us howe this laborious pilgrimage 

Is wonte to eate mens marrowes, drye there bloude, 280 

And make them seem leane shadowles pale ghostes. 

This counsell made mee have a staggeringe minde, 

Untill I sawe there beastlie bezolinge, 

There drowned soules, there idle meriment, 

Voyde of sounde solace and true hartes content : 285 

And now I love my pilgrimage the more, 

I love the Muses better than before. 

But tell mee, what lande do wee travell in? 

Mee thinks it is a pleasante fertile soile. 

Stud. Let idle tongues talke of our tedious waye, 390 
I never sawe a more delicious earth, 
A smoother pathwaye, or a sweeter ayre, 
Then here is in this lande of RJictoriqnc. 
Hearke howe the birds delight the moving ayre 
With prcttie tunefull notes and artless lays ! 295 

Harke shrill Don Cicero, how sweete he sings! 
See how the groves wonder at his sweet note, 
And listen unto theire sweet nightingale! 
Harken how Muretus, Bembus, Sadolet, 
Haddon and Ascham, chirpe theire prettie notes, 300 
And too good ears make tunefull melodic! 
Theire chirping doth delight each mounte, each dale, 
Thoughe not so sweet as Tullie's nightingale. 

Philom. Indeed I like theire sugred harmonic ; 
I like this grassie diapred greene earth. 305 

Heare tender feete maye travell a whole daye, 
And heare with joy the aerye people's laye. 



Act in.] to $arna00u& n 

Enter STUPIDO. 

But who is yonder? Stupido I see! 
The earth hath ten times binne disrobbed quite 
Of her greene gowne and flowrie coveringe, 310 

Since Stupido began his pilgrimage 
Unto the place where those nine Muses dwell; 
And now our swifter feet have overtooke him ! 

Stud. It is not our swifte feet but his slowe pace, 
That makes us overtake him in this race. 315 

He interrupt his graver meditations, 
Kindlie salutinge my friende Stupido. 
Well overtaken, M r Stupido! 
I hope wee shall have youre good companie 
To travell, and directe us in the waye 320 

That leads us to that laureat twoo-topt mounte. 

Stup. Welcome, my welbeloved brethren ! trulie (I 
thank God for it ! ) I have spent this day to my great 
comfort. I have (I pray God prosper my labours !) 
analised a peece of an hommelie according to Ramus, 
and surelie in my minde and simple opinion M r Peter 
maketh all things verie plaine and easie. As for Setons 
Logique, trulie I never looke on it but it makes my head 
ache ! And now not having anie serious business to goe 
aboute, least the bad-disposed people shoulde corrupte and 
contaminate my pure thoughts by there ungodlie con 
versations, I am goinge abroad to take the benefite of the 
aire, and contemplate, whiles they play the reprobate at 
home, some persecutinge poore creaturs, cattes, others 
spendinge theire moste precious time in card plaie. But 
whither are you going? to Parnassus? 336 

Stud. Eye! and wee hope to have youre companie. 

Stup. You speake like a younge man indeede ! I have 
beene to vaine and forwarde this way, but now that I am 
come into this Rhetorique* and see the follie of theisc 



[Act in. 

vaine artes, I will not travell a foot further. I have 
a good man to my uncle, that never wore capp nor surples 
in his life, nor anie suche popishe ornament, who sent mee 
yesterday a letter and this mandition, and a frize coate 
for a token, and the same counsell that he gave mee I, 
as I am bounde in charitie, will give you. * Studie not 
these vaine arts of Rhetorique, Poetrie and Philosophic ; 
there is noe sounde edifying knowledg in them.' Why, 
they are more vaine than a paire of organs or a morrice 
daunce ! If you will be good men indeede, goe no further 
in this way; follow noe longer these profane artes that 
are the raggs and parings of learning ; sell all these books, 
and by a good Martin, and twoo or three hundreth of 
chatechismes of Jeneva's printe, and I warrant you will 
have learning enoughe. M r Martin and other good men 
tooke this course. 356 

Pliilom. Are then the artes foolish, profane and vaine, 
That gotten are with studie, toile and paine? 

Stud. Artistes belike then are phantastique fools, 
That learne these artes in the laborious schools. 360 

Stup. Artistes, fools ; and that you may knowe by 
there undecent apparell. Why, you shall not see a Rhe 
torician, a rimer (as 1 poet as you call it) but he wears such 
diabolicall ruffs and wicked great breeches full of sin, that 
it would make a zelous professor's harte bleed for grife. 
Well, M r Wigginton and M r Penorie never wore such pro 
fane hose, but such plaine apparell as I doe. Goe with 
mee, and you shall heare a good man exercise. I will 
get him to handle for youre better direction this pointe 
by the way ; I would gladlie doe some good of you if I 
coulde. 371 

Philom. I' faith, etc. 

Ship. O sweare not, sweare not ! 

1 Read 'or/ 



Act iv.] to $arna0#u& 13 

Stud. With thee, my loving Stupido, weele wende, 
And to thy counsel! listning ears will lende. 375 

Stup. Folowe mee; He bringe youe into a sober 
companie. 

ACTUS 4. us . 
Enter AMORETTO alone, reading these 2 verses out of Ovid. 

Amor. Oscula qui sumpsit, qui non et coetera s^l1nps^t, 
Oscula quae sump sit perdere dignus erat ; 
Who takes a kiss and leaves to doe the rest, 380 

Doth take the worse and doth neglect the beste. 
Zouns! What an honest animal was I 
To part with my Corinna with a kiss! 
Yet doe I wronge her devine tempting lipps 
To name her kiss with noe more reverence. 385 

One touch of her sweete nectar-breathinge mouth 
Would ravishe senceless Cinicks with delight. 
And make them homage doe at Venus' shrine. 
All books are dull which speake not of her praise ; 
Range ploddinge doultes, and all there dulled race! 390 
True learninge dwels in her faire beautuous face. 
I love thee, Ovid, for Corinna's sake, 
Thou loves, Corinna, as turtle loves her make. 
Of my Corinnaes haire love makes his nett 
To captivate poore mortall wandringe hartes. 395 

Love keeps his revels in Corinna's browes, 
Daunces levaltoes in her speaking eye, 
Dyes and is buried in her dimpled cheeke, 
Revives and quickens in her cherie lipps, 
Keeps watch and warde in her faire snowie chin 400 
That noe roughe swaine approach or enter in. 
Loves cradle is betwixte her rising brest, 
Her[e] sucking Cupid feedes and takes his rest. 



14 'flC&e Pilgrimage [ACUV. 

Touch not her mount of joy ! it is devine ; 

There Cupid grazes or els he would pine. 405 

Expect, the world, my poesie ere longe, 

Where He commende her daintie quivering thighe, 

Sing of her foot in my sweet minstralsie. 

Enter PHIL, and STUDIOSO. 

But who comes yonder? Philomusus and Studioso! 
I saw them latelie in the companie 410 

Of stricte Stupido, that pulinge puritane, 
A moving peece of clay, a speaking ass, 
A walking image and a senceless stone! 
If they be of his humor I care not, I, 
For such pure honest-seeminge companie. 415 

Pliilom. Fye, Studioso ! what nowe almost caught 
By Stupido, that plodding puritane, 
That artless ass, and that earth-creeping dolt, 
Who, for he cannot reach unto the artes, 
Makes showe as though he would neglect the artes, 420 
And cared not for the springe of Hellicon? 

Stud. Who can resist sceminge devotion, 
Or them that are of the reformed world? 
A flintie harte muste ncedcs relent to see 
A puritane up-twinckling of his eye, 425 

Muche like a man newlie cast in a traunce, 
Or like a cuntrie fellowe in a daunce. 

PJiilom. Eye ! these doe norishe a neglected bearde, 
Much like a grunting keeper of a hearde ; 
Speake but a fewe wordes, because the[y] would seeme 

wise ; 

Weare but a plaine coate after the wonted guise. 430 
Thou owest mee thanks, for but for mee I wis 
Thou hadest beene a plaine puritane ere this ! 

Stud. I kept thee, Philomusus, from moiste Madido ; 
Thou savest mee latelie from dull Stupido. 435 



Act iv.] to $arna0gu0. 15 

Amor. And are they parted from strict Stupido? 
Then are they fit for my societie! 

What, Philomusus and Studioso ! well met in faith in the 
land of poetrie ! how doe you away with this aire ? 

Philom. Well met, Amoretto ! I did ' longe 440 

To meet some poet of a pleasante tounge. 

Stud. It argueth the goodnes of the aire 
Because here breathes full manie a cruell faire ! 

Philom. Indeede this lande hath manie a wanton nymphe 
That knowes alwayes all sportfull dalliance. 445 

Here are soe manie pure bright e shininge starrs, 
That Cynthiaes want theire faire Endimions 
Wherewith to pass away the loittring nighte ; 
Here are Corinnaes, but here Ovids wante. 
Saye, will you staye with mee in poetrie? 450 

Why shoulde you vainelie spende your bloominge age 
In sadd dull plodding on philosophers, 
Which was ordained for wantone merrimentes? 

Stud. Yea, but our springe is shorte and winter longe : 
Our youth by travelling to Hellicon 455 

Must gett provision for our latter years. 

Amor. Who thinks on winter before winter come 
Maks winter come in sommers fairest shine. 
There is noe golden minte at Hellicon! 
Cropp you the joyes of youth while that you maye, 460 
Sorowe and grife will come another daye. 

Philom. I alwayes was sworne Venus' servitoure ; 
I have a wantone eye for a faire wenche. 
Hee is noe man but a rude senceless ass 
That doth not for refined beautie pass. 465 

Perswade thou Studioso if thou can, 
And He be Cupides loyall duteous man. 

Stud. I am not suche a peece of Cinicke earthe 
That I neglect sweete beauties deitie. 



16 <n$t pilgrimage [Activ. 

I reverence Venus, and her carpet knights 470 

That in that wanton warfarre weare theire lipps : 
Yet loth I am our pilgrimage to staye 
In wanton dalliance and in looser playe. 

Amor. Tushe ! talk not of youre purposed pilgrimage, 
Nor doe forsake this poets' pleasant lande 475 

To treade upon philosophers' harshe grounde. 
Taste but the joyes that poetrie affordes, 
And youle all crabbed solaceis forsweare, 
He bringe you to sweet wantoninge yonge maides 
Wheare you shall all youre hungrie sences feaste, 480 
That they, grow[n]e proude with this felicitie, 
Shall afterwarde all maner object scorne. 
Nor are they puling maides, or curious nuns 
That strictlie stande upon virginitie ; 

Theile freelie give what ere youre luste shall crave, 485 
And make you melte in Venus' surquerie. 
These joyes, and more, sweete poetrie affordes: 
Let not youre headless feete forsake this lande 
Till you have tasted of this joyisance. 
Come to my sweet Corinna ! He you bringe, 490 

And bless youe with a touch of her softe lipps. 
Then shall you have the choice of earthlie Starrs 
That shine on earth as Cynthia in her skye ; 
There maye youe melte with soiled sweet delighte, 
And taste the joyes of the darke gloomie night. 495 

Stud. Well said the poet that a wantone speache 
Like dallyinge fingers tickles up the luste. 
Chast thoughtes can lodge no longer in that soule 
That lendes an eare to wantone poesie. 
Well, He staye somwhat longer in this lande 500 

To cropp those joyes that Amoretto speakes of. 
If in them anie sounde contente I finde, 
lie leave Parnassus waye that is behinde. 



Actv. . to arna0#u&. 17 

Philom. Let not thenvious time hinder that joye 
That wee shall tast in this thy poetrie; 505 

Luste is impatient of all slack delaye. 
Come, Amoretto, lette's noe longer staye : 
Phoebus hath laid his golden tressed locks 
In the moist cabinet of Thetis' lapp ; 
Now shadie night hath dispossest the daye, 510 

Providing time for maides to sporte and playe. 

Amor. Come haste with mee unto faire beauties 

beddes, 
On Venus' pillow shall you laye youre heades. 

Philom. Luste's wonte to ride on a faire winged steede. 
Stud. Noe marvell, when he lookes for suche a meede. 



JCTUS 5 US . 

PHILOMUSUS. STUDIOSO. 

Stud. Howe sourelie sweete is meltinge venerie! 516 
It yealdeth honie, but it straighte doth stinge. 
I'le nere hereafter counsell chaster thoughtes 
To travell through this lande of poetrie. 
Here are entisinge pandars, subtile baudes, 520 

Catullus, Ovid, wantone Martiall. 
Heare them whilest a lascivious tale they tell, 
Theile make thee fitt in Shorditche for to dwell, 
Here had wee nighe made shipwracke of our youthe, 
And nipte the blossomes of our buddinge springe! 525 
Yet are wee scaped frome poetrie's faire baites, 
And sett our footinge in philosophic. 

Philom. Noe soure reforminge enimye of arte 
Coulde doe delightfull poetrie more wronge 
Than thy unwarie sliperie tongue hath done. 530 

C 



Are these the thankes thou givest for her mirthe 

Wherewith shee did make shorte thy pilgrim's waye, 

Made monthes seeme minutes spente in her faire soile? 

O doe not wronge this musicke of the soule, 

The fairest childe that ere the soule broughte foorthe, 

Which none contemn but some rude foggie squires 536 

That knowe not to esteeme of witt or arte! 

Noe epitaphe adorne his baser hearse 

That in his lifetime cares not for a verse ! 

Nor thinke Catullus, Ovid, Martiall, 540 

Doe teache a chaste minde lewder luxuries. 

Indeede if leachers reade a wantone clause, 

It tickles up each lustfull impure vaine ; 

But who reades poets with a chaster minde 

Shall nere infected be by poesie. 545 

An honest man that nere did stande in sheete 

Maye chastlie dwell in unchaste Shordiche streete. 

Take this from mce ; a well disposed minde 

Shall noe potato rootes in poets fincle. 

Stud. I doc not whet my tongue againste poetrie, 
Yet maye youe give a looser leave to talke. 551 

Longe have wee loitred idle in [t]his lande, 
Her joyes made us unmindfull of our waie. 
Our feet are growne too tender and unapte 
To travcll in the roughe philosophic. 555 

Nowe cheare thysclfe in this laborious facte, 
Nor like a sluggarde fainte in the laste acte. 

P/iilom. Indeede, the pleasure poetrie did yelde 
Made further harshnes to philosophic ; 
Yet havinge skilfull Aristotle our guide 560 

I hope wee soone shall end our pilgrimage. 

Enter INGENIOSO. 

Ing-en. A plague on youe, Javel, Toilet, Tartare ! 
they have poysned mee with there breathes! 



Actv.] to ^arna'ggu& 19 

Philom. Why, how nowe, Ingenioso, shewinge philo 
sophic a faire paire of heeles? 565 

Stud. Why, whiter nowe in a chafe, Ingenioso ? 

Ingen. What, Philomusus and Studioso ? well met, ould 
schoolefelowes ! I have beene guiltie of mispending some 
time in philosophic, and nowe, growinge wiser, I begin to 
forsake this cuntrie as faste as I can ; and can youe blame 
mee? whie, I have bene almoste stifled with the breath 
of three Barbarians, Toilet, Javel, Tartarett. They stande 
fearefullie gapinge, and everye one of them a fustie, moulie 
worde in his mouthe that's able to breede a plague in 
a pure aire ; they breede suche an ayre as is wonte to 
proceede from an evaporatinge dunghill in a summer's 
daye. But what doe youe twoo here, in this griggie bar 
barous cuntrie? 

Philom. Wee pilgrims are unto Parnassus hill, 
At Hellicon wee meane to drinke our fill. 580 

Ingen. What, goe soe farr to fetche water? goe to 
Parnassus to converse with ragged innocentes ? If youe be 
wise and meane to live, come not there ; Parnassus is out 
of silver pitifullie, pitifullie. I talked with a frende of mine 
that latelie gave his horse a bottell of haye at the bottome 
of the hill, who toulde mee that Apollo had sente to Pluto 
to borowe twentie nobles to paye his commons : he added 
further, that hee met comming downe from the hill a 
companieof ragged vicars and forlorne schoolemaisters, who 
as they walked scrached there unthriftie elbowes, and often 
putt there handes into there unpeopled pockets, that had 
not beene possessed with faces this manie a day. There, 
one stoode digginge for golde in a standishe ; another look 
ing for cockpence in the bottome of a pue ; the third 
towling for silver in a belfree : but they were never soe 
happie as Esope's cocke, to finde a precious stone : nay, 
they coulde scarce get enoughe to apparell there heade in 

C 2 



20 <3C|)e pilgrimage [A C IV. 

an unlined halt, there bodie in a frize jerkin, and there feet 
in clouted paire of shoes. Come not there, seeke for 
povertie noe further ; it's too farr to goe to Parnassus to 
fetche repentance. 60 1 

Philom. Thoughe I foreknowe that doults possess the 

goulde, 
Yet my intended pilgrimage I'le houlde. 

Stud. Within Parnassus dwells all sweete contente, 
Nor care I for those excrements of earthe. 605 

Ingen. Call youe gold and silver the excrements of 
earthe? If those be excrements, I am the cleanest man 
upon the earth, for I seldome sweate goulde. 

Philom. Yes, they are excrements ; and henc a man 
that wants money is caled a cleane gentleman. 610 

Ingcn. If that be to be cleane, then the water of 
Hellicon will quicklie make youc cleane : it is an excellent 
good thinge to make a man impecunious. 

Stud. Come, shall wee have youre companie on the 
waye? 614 

Ingcn. What, I travell to Parnassus ? why, I have burnt 
my bookcs, splitted my pen, rent my papers, and curste the 
cooseninge harts that brought mee up to noe better fortune. 
I, after manic years studie, havinge almoste brought my 
braine into a consumption, looking still when I shoulde 
meete with some good Maecenas that liberallie would rewarde 
my deserts, I fed soe long upon hope, till I had almoste 
starved. Why, our emptie-handed sattine sutes doe make 
more account of some foggie faulkner than of a wittie 
scholler, had rather rewarde a man for setting of a hayre 
than a man of wit for makinge of a poeme ; cache long- 
eared ass rides on his trappinges, and thinkes it sufficiente 
to give a scholler a majesticke nodd with his rude nodle. 
Goe to Parnassus? Alas, Apollo is banckroute, there is 
nothing but silver words and golden phrases for a man ; 



Actv.] to ^arna00u& 21 

his followers wante the goulde, while tapsters, ostlers, 
carters and coblers have a fominge pauch, a belchinge bagg, 
that serves for a cheare of estfate] for regina pecunia. 
Seest thou not my hoste Johns of the Crowne, who latelie 
lived like a moule 6 years under the grounde in a cellar, 
and cried Anon, Anon> Sir> now is mounted upon a horse 
of twentie marke, and thinkes the earth too base to beare 
the waighte of his refined bodie. Why, woulde it not greeve 
a man of a good spirit to see Hobson finde more money in the 
tayles of 12 jades than a scholler in 200 bookes? Why, 
Newman the cobler will leave large legacies to his haires 
while the posteritie of humanissimi auditores, and esse 
posse mdeaturs must be faine to be kept by the parishe ! 
Turne home againe, unless youe meane to be vacui via- 
tores, and to curse youre wittless heades in youre oulde age 

for takinge themselves to no better trades in there youthe. 



Stud. Cease to spende more of thy id[l]e breathe, 
Effecting to divert us from our waye. 647 

I knowe that schollers commonlie be poore, 
And that the dull worlde there good parts neglecte. 
A scholler's coate is plaine, lowlie his gate; 650 

Contente consists not in the highest degree. 

Philom. I thinke not worse of faire Parnassus' hill 
For that it wants that sommer's golden clay, 
The idol of the foxfur'd usurer. 

Though it wants coyne it wants not true contente, 655 
True solace, or true happie merrimente. 
If thou will weende with us, plucke up thy feete ; 
If not, farewell, till next time wee doe meete. 

Ingen. Farewell, and take heede I take youe not 
napping twentie years henc in a viccar's seate, asking for 
the white cowe with the blacke foote, or els interpretinge 
pueriles confabulationes to a companie of seaven-yeare- 
olde apes. 663 



pilgrimage 

Philom. Farewell, Ingenioso, and take heede I finde not 
a ballet or a pamphlet of thy makinge. 665 

Stud. Come, Philomusus, chearfullie let's warke; 
Our toiling day will have a night to rest, 
Where wee shall thinke with joy on labors past. 
Leade on apace ; Parnassus is at hande ; 
Nowe wee have almost paste this wearie lande. 670 

Enter DROMO, drawing a cloiune in with a rope. 

Clowne. What now? thrust a man into the common 
wealth whether hee will or noe? what the devill should 
I doe here? 

Dromo. Why, what an ass art thou ! dost thou not 
knowe a playe cannot be without a clowne ? Clownes have 
bene thrust into playes by head and shoulders ever since 
Kempe could make a scurvey face ; and therefore reason 
thou shouldst be drawne in with a cart-rope. 678 

Clowne. But what must I doc nowe? 

Droiuo. Why, if thou canst but drawe thy mouth avvrye, 
laye thy Icgg over thy stafTe, sawe a peece of cheese 
asunder with thy dagger, lapc up drinkc on the earth, I 
warrant thee thcile laughc mightilie. Well, I'le turne thee 
loose to them ; ether saie somwhat for thy sclfe, or hang 
and be non phis. {Exit. 

Clowne. This is fine, y-faith ! nowe, when they have noe- 
bodie to leave on the stage, they bringe mee up, and, which 
is worse, tell mee not what I shoulde saye ! Gentles, I dare 
saie youe looke for a fitt of mirthe. I'le therfore present 
unto you a proper newe love-letter of mine to the tune of 
Put on the smock o Mundaye, which in the heate of my 
charitie I pende ; and thus it begins : 692 

4 O my lovely Nigra, pittie the paine of my liver! That 
litell gallowes Cupid hath latelie prickt mee in the breech 



to ^arnag0u&. 23 

with his great pin, and almoste kilde mee thy woodcocke 
with his birdbolte. Thou hast a prettie furrowed forheade, 
a fine leacherous eye ; methinks I see the bawde Venus 
keeping a bawdie house in thy lookes, Cupid standing like 
a pandar at the doore of thy lipps.' 699 

How like you, maisters ? has anie yonge man a desire to 
copie this, that he may have formam epistolae conscribendae ? 
Now if I could but make a fine scurvey face, I were a 
kinge ! O nature, why didest thou give mee soe good a 
looke ? 704 

Dromo. Give us a voyder here for the foole ! Sirra, you 
muste begone ; here are other men that will supplie the 
roome. 

Clowne. Why, shall I not whistle out my whistle ? Then 
farewell, gentle auditors, and the next time you see mee 
I'le make you better sporte. 710 



Philom. Nowe ends the travell of one tedious daye. 
In 4 years have wee paste this wearie waye. 
Nowe are wee at the foote of this steepe hill, 
Where straght our tired feet shall rest there fill. 

Stud. Seest thou how yonder laurell shadie grove 
Is greene in spite of frostie Boreas, 716 

Scorninge his roughe blasts and ungentle breath 
That makes all trees mourne in a mossye ragg? 
Nere let the pilgrims to this laurell mounte 
Fainte, or retire in this theire pilgrimage, 720 

Through the misleading of some amorous boye, 
Some swearinge unthrifte, or some blockishe dolte, 
Or throughe the counsell of some wilie knave. 
Nowe let us boldlie rushe amonge theese trees, 
And heare the Muses' tunefull harmonic. 725 



34 * ffftfmag* to 

Pkilom. Let vulgar witts admire the common songes, 
Fie lie with Phoebus by the Muses' springes, 
Where wee will sit free from all envie's rage, 
And scorne eache earthlie Gullio of this age. 

Stud. Haste hither all good witts, with winged speede, 
Where youre faire browes shall have a laureat meede! 
And youe that love the Muses' deitie 
Give our extemporall showe the Plandite\ 733 



THE 



RETURNE FROM PARNASSUS, 



CONSILIODORUS. 

PHILOMUSUS. 

STUDIOSO. 

INGENIOSO. 

LUXURIOSO. 

GULLIO. 

LEONARDE, a carier. 



townsmen - 



DRAPER 

TAYLER 
SIMSON, an inne keeper. 
PARCEVALL, a clowne. 
Boy unto Luxurioso. 
Boy unto Studioso. 



PROLOGUE. 
"Gentle" 

Stage Keeper. Howe gentle? saye, youe cringinge 

parasite, 

That scrapinge legg, that doppinge curtisie, 
That fawninge bowe, those sycophant's smoothe tearmes, 
Gained our stage muche favoure, did they not? 
Surelie it made our poet a staide man, 5 

Kepte his proude necke from baser lambskins weare, 
Had like to have made him senior sophister. 
He was faine to take his course by Germanie 
Ere he coulde gett a silie poore degree. 
Hee never since durst name a peece of cheese, 
Thoughe Chessire seems to priviledge his name. 
His looke was never sanguine since that daye ; 



10 



26 <grtj i&tturn* [Act i. 

Nere since he laughte to see a mimick playe. 

Sirra, begone! you play noe prologue here, 

Call noe rude hearer gentle, debonair e. 15 

We'le spende no flatteringe on this carpinge croude, 

Nor with gold tearmes make each rude dullard proude. 

A Christmas toy thou haste; carpe till thy deathe! 

Our Muse's praise depends not on thy breathe 1 



ACTUS PRIMUS. SCOENA PRIMA. 

CONSILIODORUS. LEONARDE. 

Consil. Leonarde, I have made thee staye somwhat 
longe for my letters, but here they be at laste. I pray 
thee, deliver them to Studioso and Philomusus ; give them 
some good counsell, I pray thee. 23 

Leon. Mass, Mr., and soe I will ! I'le tell them what's 
fit for men of there 'haviour ! by that time they have 
scene as manie winters as I and youe have done, the'le 
be a litcl wiser. 

Consil. Eye, well said, Leonarde! manie frosts indeed 
have made thee wise. 29 

Leon. I thanke God, Mr., none of my kinred were fooles. 
My father (God rest his soule !) was wonte to tell mee (God 
rest his soule ! he was as honest a carier as ever whip 
horse) he tolde mee, I saye (I remember at that time he 
sate upon a stoole by the fire warminge his boots) that 
these yonge schollers woulde spend God's abbies, if they 
had them,, and then woulde sende there fathers home false 
notaries. He would tell our neighboure Jenkin that he 
enquired after his sonn's breeches, and tooke them nappinge 
but with one pointe, and tooke him to the next shopp and 
bought him a dozen of good substantiall lether points. He 
woulde counsell them, yea ( and which is more ; marke you 



sc. i.] from parna#gu& 27 

mee Sir? ) he woulde advise them, to turne there ould 
jerkings, and keepe a good housholde loafe in there cheste, 
to save charges ; nay, and which is more, he woulde have 
rounded them in the eare, and wished them to provide a 
nail, and he woulde bring them some hempe from home, to 
the good husbaning of there shoes. Oh! he was a wise 
man ! he coulde give such fine rules concerning the liquor 
ing of boots for the houlding out of water (nay, list you 
Sir?); he coulde have tolde by a cowe's water how manie 
gallons of milke shee woulde have given, foretolde by the 
motion of his dun horse his taile the change of the weather, 
insomuche that he was supposed amonge his neighboures to 
have gathered up some art in the Universitie. Well, this 
bagg was his, and I meane for his sake to leave it to my 
sonne. But I thinke by this time, Tib and Cutt have eaten 
the provender I gave them ; Tie sadle them, and be jogging 
forwarde. 

Consil. He was a good man, and thou followes his 
steps, Leonarde. I'le holde thee noe longer ; farewell, good 
Leonarde. \Exit. 

Seaven times the earth in wantone liverie 
Hath deckt herselfe to meete her blushinge love, 
Since I twoo schollers to Parnassus sent, 
The place of solace and true merimente. 65 

There tender yeare, much like a frutefull springe, 
Promised a plenteous harvest shoulde ensue, 
Where I mighte gather store of golden frute. 
But nowe, when I shoulde reape what I had sowne, 
Ther's nought but thornes and thistles to be mowne. 70 
My poore smale farme, my litell, litell, store, 
Hath yealded fuell for so longe expence ; 
Whatever nowe is left muste serve to warme 
My live's December, age's chillie froste. 
Sufficeth it I cared for there springe, 75 

In hope ther somer woulde a harvest bringe. 



28 ^re l&eturne 



If they have lived by a watchinge lampe, 

Prysinge each minute of a flyinge houre, 

If they have spent there oyle, there strength, there store, 

In art's quicke subtelties and learninge's lore, 80 

Then will god Cynthius (if a god he be) 

Keepe these his sonns from baser povertie. 

But if they have burnt out the sun's faire torch 

In foolish riot and regardless plaie, 

Then lett them live in want perpetuallie ; 85 

As they have sowne soe let them reape for mee. 

Noe care for them shall rouse mee out of bedde ; 

I knowe this well, arts seldome beg there breade. \Exit. 

Enter STUDIOSO, reading a letter. 

Stud. Fie coosninge arts ! is this the meede you yelde 
To youre leane followers, youre palied ghosts? 90 

Hencfoorth youre shrines be worshipt by noe knee, 
Noe foolish tonge adore youre deitie! 
Wee, foolish wee, have sacrificed our youth 
At youre couldc altars everie winter's morne. 
Our barckingc stomacks have had slender fare, 95 

Our eyes have bene deluded of there sleepe ; 
Yet all this while noughte els to us doth gaine 
But onlie helps our fortunes to there waine. 

Philom. What! I leave Parnassus and these sisters Nine, 
These murmunnge springes, this pleasant grove, this ayre ? 
What greater ills hath fortune then in store 101 

Then to expose my state to miserye? 
The partiall heavens doe favoure eche rude boore, 
Mackes droviers riche, and makes each scholler poore. 
Well may my face weare sorowe's liverie 105 

Whiles angry I do chide this luckless ayre, 
Where I am learninge's outcast, fortun's scorne. 
Nowe, wandring, I muste seeke my destinie, 
And spende the remnante of my wretched life 



sc.i.] from ^arnaggug* 29 

'Mongst russet coates and mossy idiotts. no 

Nere shall I heare the Muses sing againe, 
Whose musicke was like nectar to my soule. 

Stud. How now, Philomusus? what, singinge Fortune 
my foet 

Philom. If sorowe laye on mee her worst disgrace, 
Give sorowe leave sadd passions to embrace. 115 

Stud. Fortune and vertue jarred longe agoe, 
Foule fortune ever was faire vertue's foe. 

Philom. Th'arts are unkinde that doe theire sonns 
neglect. 

Stud. Unkinder frendes, that schollers doe rejecte. 

Philom. Dissemblinge arts lookt smoothlie on our 
youth. 120 

Stud. But loade our age with discontent and ruthe. 

Philom. Frends foolishlie us to this woe doe traine. 

Stud. Fick[l]e Appollo promised future gaine. 

Philom. Wee want the prating coyne, the speaking 
golde. 

Stud. Yea, frends are gained by that yellow moulde. 

Philom. Adew, Parnassus! I must pack away. 126 

Stud. Fountaines, farewell! where beautuos nimphes 
do plaie. 

Philom. In Hellicon noe more I'le dipp my quill. 

Stud. I'le sing noe more upon Parnassus' hill. 

Philom. Let's talke noe more, since noe relife wee finde. 

Stud. In vaine to skore our losses on the winde. 131 

Philom. Let us resolve to wander in the worlde, 
And reape our fortunes whersoe're they growe. 
Some thacked cottage or some cuntrie hall, 
Some porche, some belfry, or some scrivener's stall, 135 
Will yealde some harboure to our wandringe heades. 



30 CSe l&eturtu 

Stud. Be merie then in spite of Fortun's change! 
We'le finde some lucke, or throughe the worlde we'le range. 
But, Philomusus, I here that Ingenioso is in towne follow- 
inge a goutie patron by the smell, hoping to wringe some 
water from a flinte. 141 

Philom. Faith, coulde wee meete that ladd of jollitie 
This duller discontent woulde quicklie die. 
And here he comes! 

Stud. What? Ingenioso come to Parnassus to fetche 
water? or to looke for a ragged coate? I thought thou 
hadest forsworne this starved aire ! How goes the worlde 
with youe? 148 

Philom. Give mee that hand of thine that's not ac 
quainted with the corrupting mettall ! say, how hath thy 
pocket fared since our laste partinge? 

Ingen. What? Philomusus and Studioso? have no hungrie 
schools swallowde youe up before this time ? yt's merie 
y-faith when vacid viatorcs meete ! As for my state, I am 
not put to my shiftcs, for I wante shiftes of shirtes, bandes, 
and all thingcs els ; yet I remaine thrise humblie and most 
affectionatelic bounde to the right honourable printing 
house for my poore shiftes of apparell. 

Stud. But, I pray thee, how haste thou fared since I 
sawe thee laste? 160 

Ingen. In faith, I have bene posted to everie poste in 
Paules churchyarde cum gratia et privilcgio, and like Dicke 
Pinner have put out newe books of the maker ^ neiv books of 
the maker. 

Philom. I am glad, y-faith, thy father hath lefte thee 
suche a good stocke of witt to set up withall! Why, 
thou cariest store of landes and livinges in thy heade! ' 167 

Ingen. But the'le scarse pay for the cariage! I had 
rather have more in my purse and less in my heade ! I see 



sc. i.] from ^ama0gu&. 31 

wit is but a phantasme and idea, a quareling shadowe that 
will seldome dwell in the same roome with a full purse, but 
commonly is the idle folower of a forlorne creature. Nay, 
it is a devill, that will never leave a man till it hath brought 
him to beggerie ; a malicious spirit, that delights in a close 
libell or an open satyre. Besides, it is an unfortunate 
thinge ; I have observed that that heade where it dwelleth 
hath seldome a good hatt, or the back it belonges unto a 
good sute of apparell. 178 

Stud. Soe thou wilt make an ass the most fortunate 
creature that lives ! Indeede, the time was when long ears 
and gould dwelt together, and so they doe still : but if 
nature had given thee noe more wit than wealth, thou 
migh[t]st betake thyselfe in. forma pauperis to a boxe and 
a passporte. But husbande thy witt, if thou beest wise ; it's 
all the goods and cattels thy father lefte thee. Nourishe it 
with oyles and waters ; if that be gone one, ther's noe waye 
but thou muste either plaie the counterfeit criple or else 
beare a parte in the consorte of Three blinde beggars. 188 

Ingen. That I may doe nowe, for my purse wants these 
gray silver eyes that stande idlelye in the face of a citizen's 
daughter, and those silver noses that stande out daringe 
mee in the face of everie base broker. And yet I was even 
with one of them verie latelie ; for I tell youe what, it was 
my chance in a taverne to light on the companie of a knave 
seargaunt with a silver nose ; the villaine woulde not parte 
with a denaire ; the drawer came making of curtesies, and 
had an eye to my worshipps purse, litell knowing what 
solitarines was there ; my companions were as impecunious 
as myselfe; I had noe devise therfore but to call for more 
wine ; while, wee had drunke him deade, and then I tooke 
his nose, and paide the reckoninge. How he did, when he 
wakt, to purg the rheume, I know not, but I thinke if ever 
he purchase a new nose againe, he were best entertaine 



33 t&fyz lEUturne [A C H. 

some caste boy to wach his fugitive nose while he sleepe ! 
But to the pointe ; for the husbanding of my witt I put 
it out to interest, and make it returne twoo phamphlets 
a weeke. 207 

Philom. If thou haste stuft thy pocket with ere a pam 
phlet, lett's see one, to make our worshipps laughe ! 

Stud. Indeede, Ingenioso, thou was wonte to carie some 
dissolute papers in thy bosome, that a man which hadd 
not knowne thy witt would have thought they had bene 
licences that the constables of sundrye townes had sub 
scribed unto. But if thou haste ere an omne tulit punctum^ 
ere a magister artium utriusque academiae, ere an opus 
and usus, ere a needie pamphlet, drincke of a sentence 
to us, to the healthe of mirth and the confusion of melan- 
cholye. 218 

Ingen. I have indeede a pamphlet here that none is 
privie unto but a pinte of wine and a pipe of tobacco. It 
pleased my witt yesternighte to make water, and to use 
this goutie patron instead of an urinall, whome I make the 
subject and -content of my whole speache. 223 

Stud. What patron is that youe speak of? Art thou 
traveling towarde a Maecenas ? 

Ingcn. In faith, laying a snare to catche a dottrell! 
Why, her's Midas his grandchilde, one that will put him 
downe in a paire of long eares and a rude witt, braggs, 
when he comes abroade, of his liberalitie to schollers and 
what a rewarder he is of wittie devises : but indeed he is a 
meere man of strawe, a great lumpe of drousie earth. Yet 
I have better hope of him now that he is sicke, that the 
divell and his conscience betwixt them will let him bloude 
in the liberall vaine ; however it happeneth, He to him, and 
trie if there be ere a dropp of Maecenas his bloude in his 
whole bodie. 236 

Stud. Well, Ingenioso, we will trouble youe noe longer. 



sc. i.] . from parnaggug* 33 

Wee shall meete anon at the signe of the Sunn, and make 
some good jeste of it. \Exeunt. 

Ingen. Crowes flie to carion, and good witts to dyeng 
churles. The carle lyeth here, att the house of this Phar 
macopeia, this seller of dreggs and potions. I'le marche 
on with a light purse and a nimble tonge, and picke a 
quarell with his doore. \He knocks. 

Enter SERVING-MAN. 

Serving-man. Fellowe, youre too saucye! youre rude 
knockinge hath wakened my maister out of a napp, that he 
prisde at an hundret pounde ! 247 

Ingen. Saucie ? no, my good frende, unless thou takest 
hunger to be a sauce, as wee schollers say, optimum condi- 
mentum fames. I would thy father had brought thee up to 
learninge, then woulde I make thee mends for my knockinge 
with an hundreth Latin sentences, which thou migh[t]est 
make use of in the elevation of the serving-man's blacke 
Jacke or the confusion of a mess of brewes ; but, frend, for 
thy better instruction, answerr not a man of art so churl- 
eshlye againe while thou livest. Why, man, I am able 
to make a pamphlet of thy blew coate } and the button in 
thy capp, to rime thy bearde of thy face, to make thee a 
ridiculous blew-sleevd creature while thou livest. I have 
immortalitie in my pen, and bestowe it on whome I will. 
Well, helpe mee to the speache of thy maister quicklie, and 
I'le make that obscure name of thyne, which is knowne 
amongst none but hindes and milkmaides, ere longe to 
florishe in the press and the printer's stall ! 264 

Serving-man. Faith, thou seems a mad Greeke, and I 
have lovd such ladds of mettall as thou seems to be from 
mine infancie; and wheras thou proferest such favours, 
I will but demande this onlie, that thou wilte make mee a 
love letter in elegant tearmes to our chambermaide. 269 

D 



34 ^i* ISUturne [Act i. 

Ingen. Give mee but a taste of thy love, and I'le so fitt 
thy fancie that the litell god Cupid shall put on his pumps, 
and caper it on a paper stage to please thy lovinge 
wenche ! 273 

Serving -man. Give mee thy hande ! faith, I am sorie I 
shewed my selfe so unmanered, but I hope we shall be 
better acquainted hereafter! well, I'le bringe my maister 
downe to youe presentlie. \Exit. 

Ingen. O fustic worlde ! were there anie commendable 
passage to Styx and Acharon I would go live with Tarleton, 
and never more [b]less this dull age with a good line. Why, 
what an unmanerlie microcosme was this swine-faced 
clowne ! But that the vassall is not capable of anie infamie, 
I would bepainte him ; but a verie goose quill scornes such 
a base subject, and there is no inke fitt to write his servill 
name but a scholeboye's, that hath bene made by the 
mixture of urin and water. Yet must I forsooth sooth upp 
this bearded point-trusser, this cursie creator, this ingrosser 
of cringers, this antc-ambnlo of a clokbagge, this great 
hiltcd dagger ! But 'st ! I heare his worshipp's fleame 
stirringe. 290 

Enter PATRON. 

Patron. How nowe, felowe? have you anie thinge to 
saye to mee ? 

Ingen. Pardon, Sir, the presumpsion of a poore scholler, 
whose humble devoted ears being familiar with the commen- 
dacions that unpartiall fame bestoweth upon youre worship, 
reporting what a free-harted Maecenas you are unto poore 
artists, that other favorers of learninge in comparison of 
youre worship are unworthie to untie youre worship's purse- 
stringes, that it hath beene youre ancient desire to get 
wittie subjects for youre liberalitie, that you coulde never 
endure the seven liberall sciences to carie there fardles on 



sc. i.] from ^arnag0u& 35 

there backes like footemen, but have animated there poore 
dyinge pens, and put life to there decayed purses ; here- 
uppon I, unfurnished of all thinges but learninge, caste 
myselfe downe at your worship's toose, resolving that 
liberalitie sojourneth here with you or else it hath cleane 
lefte our untoward cuntrie. Take in good part, I beseech 
youe, youre owne eternitie, my pains, wherin in the ages 
to come men shall reade youre prases and give a shrewde 
gess at youre vertues. 310 

Patron^ reading in the epistle dedicatorie this sentence, 
'Desolat eloquence and forlorne poetrie, youre moste 
humble suppliantfs] in forma pauperum, laye prostrate at 
youre daintie feete and adore youre excellencie,' &c. 

I doe in some sorte like this sentence, for in my dayes He nods 
I have bene a great favorer of schollers, but surelie of 
late the utensilia of potions and purges have bene verie 
costlie unto mee. For my owne part I had not cared for 
dying, but when I am deade I know not what will become 
of schollers ; hitherto I have bespringled them pritilie with 
the drops of my bountie. 320 

Ingen. O youre worshippe may be bolde with youre 
selfe ! Noe other tong will be soe nigarde as to call those 
dropes which indeede are plentuous showres, that so often 
have refreshed thirstie brains and sunburnt witts ; and 
might it nowe please the cloude of youre bountie to breake, 
it never founde a drier soile to worke upon, or a grounde 
that will yealde a more plenteous requitall. 327 

Patron. Indeed these lines are pritie, and in time thou 
maist doe well. I have not leasure as yet to reade over 
this booke, yet, howsoever, I doe accept of thy dutie, and 
will doe somthinge if occasion serve; in the meane time, He gives 
houlde, take a rewarde. I tell thee Homer had scarse soe g roa t s . 
much bestowed upon him in all his lifetime ; indeede, our 
countinance is enough for a scholler, and the sunshine of 

D i 



36 ^Je in *t urn* [Act i. 

our favoure yealdes good heate of itselfe ; howesoever, I am 
somwhat prodigall that waye, in joyninge gifts to my 
countenance; yet it is fitt that all suche younge men as 
you are should knowe that all dutie is farr inferiour to our 
deserts, that in great humilitie doe vouchsake to reade 
your labours. Well, my phisicke workes ; I cannot stay to 
take a full sight of youre pamphlet ; hereafter I will look 
on it, and at my better leasure, and in my good discretion, 
favoure you accordinglie. \Exit. 

Ingen. Goe in a poxe and neere returne againe, 344 
Thou lave-ear'd ass, that loves dross more than arts! 
Thinkest thyselfe liberall, if thy mule's dull heade 
Give a poore scholler a ungratious nodd? 
Our lives are bounde unto thy churlishe eyes, 
If thou bestowest on them a squintinge glanse, 
If thou givest three dayes housroome to a booke, 350 
Reprivinge it from thy unsavorie stoole. 
Yet afterwarde, in Mounsier's Ajax vaine, 
With poesie thou doest a coursie straine. 
Foolc I, to angell in a miser's mudd ! 354 

But hope of goulde did make mee guilde this woode. 
Farewell, gross peece of earth, base braginge dunge ; 
Soone maist thou grovell in the lowlie duste, 
And nere be spoken of but in obloquie : 
And if I live, I'le make a poesie 
Shall loade thy future's yeares with infamie. 360 

Enter PHILOMUSUS and STUDIOSO. 
PJiilo. Howe now, Ingenioso? what, well relived? 

Ingen. Slender relife I can assure youe in the predica 
ment of privation ! yonder's a churle thinkes it enough for 
his favoure like a sunn to shine on the dunghill of learning ! 
I came to the apothecarie's dore by the smell ; his worshipp 
perfumde through five dores ; outsteps the yeoman of his 
privie chamber, and with the face of an Iseland curr grind 



sc. i.] from $acna0gu0> 37 

upon mee. I was faine to take paines to washe his doges 
face with a few good tearmes, and then he steps, and 
bringes out signiour Barbarisme in a case of nightcapps, 
in a case of headpeeces all-to-be wrought, like a blocke 
in a seamster-shopp, who, with a camelion's gape an a 
verie emphaticall nodd of the heade, solemlye strokinge 
his lousie bearde, asked my errand ; and when I had pro- 
nounsed my litell speach, with a hundred damnable lies, of 
his liberalitie, he puts his hande into the pocket of a paire 
of breaches that were made in William the Conquerour's 
dayes, groping in his pocket with greate deliberation, and 
while I stoode by dreaminge of the goulde of India, he 
drew mee out twoo leane faces, gave mee fidler's wages, 
and dismiste mee. 381 

Stud. Well, Ingenioso, the worlde is badd, and wee 
schollers are ordayned to be beggars. 

Philom. But, Ingenioso, how doest thou meane to shifte 
for thy livinge ? 

Ingen. To London Tie go ; I'le live by the printinge 
house, as I have done hitherto. 

Stud. Nay then, take us with thee ; for wee muste 
provide us a poore capp of mantenance. 389 

Ingen. Well then, let's launch forwarde ; if wee can get 
noe livinge wee'le dye learned beggars. 

Philom. Naye, staye awhile ; wee'le take Luxurio with 
us, for he is in the same predicament. 

Enter LUXURIOSO. 

Lux. O brave witts of mine acquaintance, howe doe 
yee? howe doe yee? what, Ingenioso? how haste thou 
helde out rubbers ere since thou wentest from Parnassus ? 

Ingen. What, oulde pipe of Tobacco ! why, what's to 
paye? give mee thy liquid hande! How haste thou 
mantained thy nose in that redd sute of apparell ere since 



38 ^t Kiturne [Act i. 

I lefte thee ? as for my holdinge out rubbers, I have ruled 
so longe in apparell that my clothes cannot be taken 
nappinge. 402 

Ltix. Why, youe whoreson Opus and usus^ you ! Be it 
knowne unto all people that the bearer hereof, you tattered 
prodigall, thou enviest that a man's nose shoulde be better 
apparelled than thy backe! Were thy disapointed selfe 
possest with such a spirit as inhabiteth my face, thou 
wouldest never goe fidlinge thy pamphlets from doore to 
dore, like a blinde harper, for breade and chease, present- 
inge thy poems like oulde broomes to everie farmer. 410 

Ingen. Spirit calest thou it? it shoulde seeme by the 
fier ther's a divell ! But I pray thee, Luxurio, how meanest 
thou to bestowe thy waterie witt ? 

Lux. My waterie wit shall dwell in a waterie region. 
And yet thou docst abuse my witt to call it waterie : much 
have I spente in rare Alcamie, in brewinge of wine and 
burninge sackcs to make my witt a philosophers stone, 
when I shoulde make use of it. And now the time is 
come, I hope, whatcre I make will beare marmelett and 
sackct in the mouthc, and savore of witts that have bene 
familiar with the other quart and a reckoninge. 421 

Ingcn. Let it be a French wit for mee ! Tell me howe 
thou meanest to bestowe it. 

Lux. To London Tie goe, for there is a great nosde 
balletmaker deceaste, and I am promised to be the rimer 
of the citie. He fit them for a wittie in Creete when 
Daedalus. I have alwaies more than naturallie affected 
that poeticall vocation. 

Ingcn. Wilt thou leave Parnassus then ? 429 

Lux. Is it not time thinkest thou ? I have served here 
an apprentishood of some seaven yeares, and have lived 
with the Pythagorean and Platonicall Aiaxaj, as they call 



sc. i.] from $arna00u& 39 

it ; why, a good horse woulde not have endured it ! Adew 
single beare and three qus of breade! if I converse with 
you anie longer, some sexton must toll the bell for the 
death of my witt. Here is nothing but levelinge of colons, 
squaringe of periods, by the monthe. My sanguin scorns 
all such base premeditation ; Tie have my pen run like a 
spigot, and my invention answerr it as quick as a drawer. 
Melancholick art, put downe thy hose ; here is a suddaine 
wit that will lashe thee in the time to come ! 441 

Stud. Luxurio, wee are not disposed to laugh anie 
longer ; we'ele make more use of youre merrie vaine in our 
jorney. 

Philom. Thy mirth helps to drowne that melancholicke 
that our departure from Parnassus doth create. Longe for 
a rewarde may youre witts be warmde with the Indian 
herbe ! Nowe it's time for us to provide for our jorney, and 
closly convey ourselves away, least aes alienum be knock - 
inge at our doores. 450 

Lnx. Marry e, all my debts stande chaukt upon the 
poste for liquor ! Mine hostis may cross it if shee will, for I 
have done my devotion ! Farewell, mine alone hostis, thou 
shalt heare newes of thy ale-knighte ! 

Stud. Muses, adewe! longe may youre groves growe 
greene, 455 

Though you to us too too unkinde have beene ! 

Philom. Farewell, Apollo! e're will I adore thee, 
Though thy poore hande's not able to relive mee! 

Ingen. Youe beautuous nimphes of Hellicon, adew! 
However poore, yet I will worship youe ! 460 

Lux. Farewell, the Sisters nine ! the truth for to saye, 
Luxurio will youre goodchilde be, and love youe everie 

daye! 

Why, here's poetrie hath a foot of the twelves! why, I 
cannot abide these scipjake blanke verses ! 464 



40 ^Ije l&eturne [ ActIL 

Ingen. Peace ! what musicke is this ? Marrye, I thinke 
the Muses bestowe a fitt of mirth upon there poore 
attendants at our departure ! \The Muses play e. 

Ltix. Good wenches! y-faith, the'le scrape where ther's 
no hops of silver! This is for the love of there loving 
Luxurio. 470 

Stud. Thanks, gentle nimphes, for this sweete harmonic! 
Soe musick yealdes some ease to miserie. 

Pkilom. Thanks, sweet Apollo, for this smoother 

strayne ! 
To dwell with thee is joy, to part is paine. 474 

Ingen. Thanks, Muses, that a part in sorrowe beare! 
Longe may youre musick bless ech listninge eare! 

Lux. Thankes to the Muses majestic of Parnass pro- 

pertie ! 
For they have eased my carefull hart that I may tell no lie. 

Ingen. Why, thou bcginest to practise alreadie! but 
let's begone? 480 

Stud. Fairewell, Parnassus ! farwell, faire content ! 
Philom. Welcome, good sorowe ! farewell, meriment! 
Lux. Range sorow ! care will kill a catt ! 



ACTUS 1 DUS . SCAENA \ A . 

Enter DRAPER and TAYLER. 

Draper. Neighboure Birde, wee townsmen have such 
kinde harts that it will goe neare to undoe us ! Why, who 
woulde thinke that men in such grave gownes and capps, 
and that can say soe bravlye, woulde use honest men soe 
badlie ? Philomusus and Studioso hath not beene ashamed 
to run 20 nobles in my debt for apparell, and after theire 
departure abuse mee with a letter, and also my neighboure 



sc. i.] from $arna0gu0+ 41 

Giles, recantinge in the colde of his feare for preachinge on 
his shopborde againste organs, in the heat of his choller, 
was laught at by them, though he spake verie wiselie, as 
became a man of his clothe. 494 

Tayler. Fye, neighboure! if they had our wisdome 
joyned to theire learninge they woulde prove grave men. 
Well, God forgive them ! They shoulde shewe good 
examples to others, as our towne clarke shewed verie 
learnedly in an oration he made, and they are the worste 
themselves. They came to mee, and were as curteous as 
passeth ; I doe not like they shoulde put of theire hatts so 
much to mee ; well, they needs upon oulde acquaintance 
woulde borowe 40^ for three dayes ; I (as I had alwayes 
bene a kinde man to schollers) lent it them, and delivered 
them theire breeches new turned and there stockings new 
footed, even as thoughe I had bene privie to there runninge 
awaye. 507 

Draper. Well, whersoever they be they are a couple of 
my men, they weare my clothe ; for there sakes I'le truste 
but few, unless I knowe them well, and those shall be none 
of these fine youthes that have their apparell in printe, there 
treble cypresses, double ruffs, silke stockings. I have 
gotten thus much by my owne experience that the more 
willinge 1 he is that trustes, the slower he'le be to paye; a 
note, neighboure, worthy thy retention, for (marke you 
mee !) if wee will needs be trustinge, let us truste honest, 
simple, plaine felowes, such as ourselves, that weare foure- 
pennie garters, and winter shoos that have kept the cobler's 
companie ; but as for those neat youths they are out of my 
books ; and yet I lie, for they are more in them than the'le 
pay in haste. 5 21 

Tayler. Nay, that grives mee moste of all. When I 
came to enquire for them, out steps a leane-faced scholler 

1 willninge MS. 



42 <2Tj)e l&eturne [Act n. 

(surlie I thinke he was well learned, for he was redinge a 
great booke with a smale printe), he stept out, I saye, and 
told mee they were not within ; which answerr when I 
woulde not take (for it urged my conscience somwhat when 
I remembered my money) he cald me ' Pagan, Tartarian, 
heathen man, base plebeian/ and (which grived mee most 
of all) he caled mee ' simple animal.' Well, saide I, simple 
may I be, but animal was I never; and I added that 
Philomusus and Studioso were rather animals, to use an 
honest, simple, plaine man so as they have not bene 
ashamed to doe. 534 

Draper. Why, I thinke it was the same scipjacke that 
when I knockt at the dore asked what clothwritt was there? 
and said he was makinge an oration which everie scurvey 
vulgar felowe, everie measuringe pesante, must not interrupt ; 
he said he was about a sentence that was worth all the 
cloth in my shopp. So these schollers use as long as they 
have anie cloths on there backs ; and when the knaves 
begin to be ragged, then they scrape acquaintance to be 
trusted, and give us an Ita cst^ with a scurvey coozeninge 
name, and ther's all the paiment wee can gctt. 544 

Enter SIMSON the Tapster speaking alone. 

Simson. O my frozen balderkine of stronge ale ! well 
might I have foretold by the burninge of a pot of youre 
liquor that some dry lucke hunge over my moiste heade ! 
And is Luxurio gone ? the answer is, he is gone ! Ey, but 
one will say, Will not Luxurio returne againe ? I answer, I 
knowe not. Ey, but some will object and saye, Did not 
Luxurio strike of the score before he wente ? I answer, he 
did not. 552 

Draper. Good morow, good man Simson ! how goes the 
world with youe? 

Taylcr. Good morow, neighboure, good morowe! 555 

Simson. O, good morowe, my good neighbours ! by 



sc. i.] from $arnag0u& 43 

cocke, the worlde squints upon mee! it hath not lookt 
straight upon mee this good while, but nowe it hath given 
mee a bob will stick by mee ! Wott yee what ? Luxurio, as 
they say, a man of God's makinge, as they saye, came to 
my house, as they saye, and was trusted by my wife, a 
kinde woman, as they saye, for a dozen of ale, as they saye, 
and he a naughtie felowe, as they saye, is run away, as they 
saye ; for even as an emptie barrell soundeth moste, as 
they saye, even so Luxurio came to my house and was 
welcom. as they saye, and even as a pot of ale and a 
puddinge are good in a frostie morninge, even soe Luxurio 
hath betaken himselfe to his heels, and hath overrune the 
reckoninge. My wife and I, twoo honest folkes, as they 
saye, ment no harme, but even as the ape wanteth a tale, 
as they saye, even so wee wanted all malice, as they saye ; 
but nowe I finde, I finde at length t[h]roughe much 
experience, that, even as wishers and woulders are never 
good housholders, soe trusters and lenders are never good 
housholders. Well, neighbours, I have it here in white, as 
they saye ; my ale had alwayes a verie good name, and 
Luxurio was a good drinker, for even as a changlinge the 
more hee eats the more he maye, even soe Luxurio the 
more he drancke the more he mighte, which I founde, as 
they saye. 580 

Draper. Well, for all this, good man Simson, you have 
it in youre cellar that will kill care and hange sorowe. 

Tayler. Nay then, let's in and be merie. 

Simson. Neighbours, I have as good a cupp of ale as 
ere was turnde over tonge, as they saye ; it's it will do the 
deede, as they saye. \Exeunt. 

Enter PHILOMUSUS with a blacke frise coate, solus. 

Pkilom. Come, black frise coat ! become my sable minde! 
Helpe me to painte forth blackefaced discontente! 



44 ^Tfie l&tturne [Act n. 

Come, keyes and spade! the ensigns of my state, 

That treads the ragged stepps of fortunes race. 590 

My fortune, that whileome did seeme to floate, 

Is now at length brought to the lowest ebb, 

And I that lately in Parnassus sunge, 

And consort kept in Muses' melodye, 

Doe live moste baselie now 'mongst russet coats 95 

And earns my livinge here moste painfullie. 

Thus am I nipt by winter's chillie froste 

That seemd of late to florish in my Maye. 

I mighte have learnde to see by risinge morne 

This cloudie daye that threatens now to poure 600 

Both storms and tempests on my beaten barke, 

That faine woulde a[n]chor upon vertue's shore, 

Where I might staye untill some warblinge winds 

Might drive my shipp unto my wished porte. 

But why doe I prolonge my tedious speeche ? 605 

Studioso promisd to be here ere longe 

To beare a parte in this our mournfull songe. 

And here he comes. 

Enter STUDIOSO. 

Stud. What, Philomusus ? thou art well mett ! 
I have oft heard that to have companie 610 

Hath alwayes bene an ease to miserie. 
Thus farr hath fortune plagued us equallie, 
And caused us both to weare her servile yoke ; 
And now mee thinks shee 'gins to leade the chase, 
And here hath given to us a baitinge place. 615 

Philom. True, Studioso, she needs to doe noe more, 
For wee have yealded to her conqueringe hande, 
And wilninglie goe captives in her bande. 
But saye, canste thou endure this servile life ? 
What shall wee doe in this adversitie? 620 

Stud. We muste make profit of necessitie. 



sc. i.] from $arnaggu& 45 

Philom. When thinkest thou better fortune will begin? 
Stud. I nere sawe winter but a springe came in. 
Philom. Get I my pence by digginge of the earthe? 
Stud. Ey! so the planets raigned at thy birthe. 625 
Philom. Banisht am I from Phoebus lovely bowrs? 
Stud. The Muses dwell as oft in woods as towres. 
Philom. The cuntrie moss noe true contente here yelds. 
Stud. Apollo once did dwell in cuntrie fildes. 
Philom. Noe fairies dance upon this ruder greene. 

Stud. By ruder springes oft beautous nymphes are 
scene. 631 

Philom. I'faith, Studioso, this dull patience of thine 
angers mee ! Why, can a man be galde by povertie, free 
spirits subjected to base fortune, and put it up like a 
Stoick? But saye, I pray thee, upon what condition art 
thou intertayned to thy ould master and ould mistris ? to 
thy yonge master and yonge mistris ? 637 

Stud. Marrie, I had like have missed of this preferment 
for wante of one to be bounde for my truthe! Mistris 
Mincks, with a tonge as swifte as a swalowe, cride, ' The 
world's nought, the worlde's noughte ! ' whiles her husbande 
like a phisiognomer put on his spectacles, and gasde me in 
the face as thoughe he woulde have tolde my fortune. 
Well, the conclusion was this ; they indented with mee ; 
ether I muste set my hande to the conditions followinge, or 
els I muste take up my staffe and be packinge. The 
conditions were these : 647 

1. That I shoulde faire no worse than there owne hous- 
holde servants did ; have breade and beare and bacon 
enoughe, whils my mistris, mincinge Avaritia, sayde, ' there 
was not such a house within fortie miles/ 

2. I shoulde lye cleane in hempen sheets and a good 
mattress, to keepe mee from growinge pursie. 653 



A> llje l&eturne [Actn. 

3. That I shoulde waite at meals. 

4. That I shoulde worke all harvest time. And upon 
this pointe the olde churle gave a signe with a 'hemm!' 
to the whole householde of silence, and began a solem 
senc[e]less oration againste Idlenes, noddinge his head, 
knockinge his hande on his fatt breste, shakinge the hayrie 
attire of his chin, usinge the verie grace of Dametas. 660 

5. That I shoulde never teache my yonge master his 
lesson without doinge my dutie as becometh mee to the 
offspringe of such a scholler. 

6. That I shoulde complane to his mother when he 
coulde not say his lesson. And lastlie, for all this, my 
wages muste be five marke a yeare, and some caste out of 
his forlorne wardropp that his ploughmen woulde scarse 
accept of. And now let mee heare of thy promotion, what 
thy rents are that come in by thy spade and thy church 
dore keyes. 670 

Philoin. I am double bcnefisde with my sextonshipp and 
my clearkcshippe ! a faire age when a scholler must come to 
live upon canons, and a voice that was made to pronounce 
a poet or an oratour be imployed, like a belman, in the in- 
quiric of a strayed bcaste ; yet the bcste is, I meete nowe 
and then with a clown's heade that is as good to one as the 
poesie ' nt Jiora sic vita' ready to putt mee in minde of the 
end of this my miserie. For my conditions, the hoydons, for 
want of further rhetoriquc, made them but few, and con 
tained them in these twoo, ' Digg well and Ring ivcllj 'and 
in soe doinge,' quoth our churchwarden, ' thou shall gaine 
not onlie our praise but also our commendations.' 682 

Stud. Well, Philo, we'le meete once a weeke and 
laughe at our fortuns ! Fortie pounde to a pennie, ere this 
th'ould churle hath swore manie an othe, and asked for 
the knave scholler ! 

PJiilom. Then wee may fitlie parte, for here comes 
a rusticke knave will interrupte us. 688 



sc. i.] from ^arnaggug* 47 

Stud. Farewell, Phil. [Exit. 

Percev. Nowe good man Sexton, I sende our maide 
Johne to youe even now to bid you toll for my -good ould 
father, that God hath taken full sore againste my will, and 
I pray you, good man Sexton, make him a good large 
grave, that he may lie easilie ; he coulde never abide to be 
crouded in his life time, and therfbre he was wonte to chide 
with a good oulde woman my mother for takinge soe muche 
roome in the bed, more than was fit for a woman of her 
condition and place. I will see him as well as I can brought 
to his grave honestlie ; he shall have a faire coverlet over 
him, and lie in a good flaxon sheete, and youe and the reste 
of my good neighbours shall have breade and cheese 
enoughe. And I pray youe, good man Sexton, laye twoo or 
three good thick clods under his heade, for I'le tell youe, of 
a cuntrie felowe he was as sqemish in his bed as ye woulde 
wonder at, he coulde not abide to lie lowe, insomuche that 
he was wonte to put his lether breeches and his cotton 
dublet under his boulster. 707 

Philo. Surelie, good man Percevall, the towne shall have 
a great miss of him ; he was as honeste a cunstable as ever 
put beggar in stocks. But saye, good man Percevale, where 
will youe have youre father lie ? 

Perce. Marrie, I coulde be contente to be at coste to 
burie him in the churche, but that I will not bringe up 
newe customs ; he shall lie with his posteritie in the church- 
yarde, and I that am the aire of the house may about twoo 
hundred years henc lie by him. But harke you, Sexton, I 
pray you burie him quicklie ; for he was a good man, and 
I knowe he is in a better place, that's fitter for him than 
this scurvey worlde, and I woulde not have him alive againe 
to his hindrance : it will be better for him and mee too, 
for ther's a greate change with mee within this two hours, 
for the ignorant J people that before calde mee Will nowe 

1 ingorant MS. 



48 {tie l&eturne [Act n. 

call mee William, and you of the finer sorte call mee good 
man Percevall. 724 

Philom. Well, good man Percevall, you speake like a wise 
yonge man. Why, if death shoulde repente him, and give 
youre father his life againe, then were youe but plaine Will. 
Dispache him, man, dispache him quicklie ; bringe him to 
the grave, and for thy sake I'le make him sure. 729 

Perec. Goodlie Lorde, howe sen youe ? howe sen 
youe ? Nay, I woulde not wish my father soe muche 
hurte as to live againe ! But harke you, good man Sexton, 
they saie you can write and reade ; Tie please youe for 
youre paines if youe will write out my father's will : ther's 
as good matter in it as ere youe sawe, howe he is well in 
minde and sicke in bodie, and a hundreth such prettie 
thinges. He gave all to mee but the lambs that 2 or 3 ewes 
will ayne at the nexte ayninge time, and a drye cowe shall 
be 7 years oulde at the nexte roode daye, and a pann, all 
which he gave to his base daughter. O good man 
Sexton ! that was a foule facte, to be soe wilde ; if he 
remember it in the other wo ride it will goe harde with 
him. 

Philom. Tie doe a greater matter for youe than this 
comes too, good man Percevalle. 745 

Perec. Marrie, I thanke youe and you shall have my 
carte to carrie home a jagg of haye when you wonn. I 
pray let the grave be readie quicklie ; its time my father 
were takinge his reste. 

Philom. It shall, good man Percevall. 750 

Perec. I'le goe home to get my neighbours carrye him 
to churche. Fare well. [Exit. 

Philom. Woulde I were laide upon a balefull beare, 
Toste longe enoughe with fortun's mockeries! 
Yet this the comforth for all miserie, 755 

Who findes not where to live findes where to dye. 



sc. i.] from $arnag0u& 49 

Enter STUDIOSO with his scholler. 

Stud. Ey, her's a true Pedantius, and yet no truculent 
Orsylius 1 , one that can heare a boy speake false Lattin 
without stampinge of his feete, can looke on a false verse 
without wrincklinge of his browe, one that will give his 
scholler leave to prove as verie a dunce as his father and 
nere commaunde the untrussinge of his points. My hands 
are bounde to the peace, and his wit is bounde to the good 
bearinge, for it will not beare. I have in the bottom of my 
dutie broughte my yonge master a stoole and a boss, a boss 
for his worship's feete and a stoole for the yonge foole to 
speake false Lattin on. Well, here comes the dandipratt ! 

Boy. Schoolmaister, cross or pile nowe for 4 counters ? 

Stud. Why cross, my wagg ! for thinges goe cross with 

mee, 
Els woulde I whipp this childishe vanitie. 770 

Boy. Scholmaster, it's pile. 

Stud. Well may it pile in suche a pilled age, 
When schollers serve in such base vassalage. 

Boy. I muste have 4 counters of youe. 

Stud. Full manie a time Fortune encounters mee ; 
More happie they that in the Counter be. 776 

Boy. You'le paye them, I hope? 

Stitd. Fortune hath paide mee home, that I may pay ; 
And yet, sweet wagg, I hope you'le give mee daye. 

Boy. What day will you take to paye them? 78 

Stud. That day I'le take when learninge florisheth, 
When schollers are esteemde by cuntrie churles, 
When ragged pedants have there pasports sealde 
To whip fonde wagges for all there knaverie, 
When schollers weare noe baser livorie 785 

Nor spend there dayes in servile slaverie. 

Boy. But when will this be, scholmaister? 

1 Sic. Read Orbilius. 
E 



50 %^t l&eturne [Actn. 

Stud. When silie shrubs th'ambitious cedars beate, 
Or when hard oakes softe honie 'gins to sweate. 
But wilt please you to goe to youre booke a litell? 

Boy. What will you give mee then? 791 

Stud. A resin, or an aple ; or a rod if I had authoritie. 
Wilt please you, Sir, to sit downe and repeate youre lecture? 

Boy. Quamquam te, Marce fili> etc. 

Stud. Quae pars orationis, Athcnis? 795 

Boy. He speake English todaye. 

Stud. What parte of speache is it then? 

Boy. A nowne adjective. 

Stud. Noe ; it's a nowne substantive. 

Boy. I saye it's a nowne adjective, and if I feche my 
mother to youe I'le make you confess as muche. 80 1 

Stud. I woulde thy mother coulde stande as well by 
herselfe as this worde doth ! 

Then shoulde thy sire have a more naked heade, 
And less shame waitinge on his jaded bedd. 805 

Boy. I am wearie of learninge : I'le goe bowle awhile, 
and then I will goe to my booke againe. [Exit. 

Stud. Doe what thou wilt, starve thou thy minde for 

me, 

I'le never frett to see thy vanitie. 

If thou prove sottish in the after time 810 

Thy parents beare the shame ; their's is the crime. 
Fonde they to thinke that this child's waxen daye 
Will be well spente when maister beares no swaye. 
That tender sprig must timely bended be 
Which will hereafter prove a stately tree. 815 

For my base usage this is tolde by mee, 
The sire a clowne, the sonne a foole shall bee. 



sc. i.] from parna0gu& 51 

Enter LUXURIO and his BOY. 

Lux. Come boy, if thou chante it finely at the fayre 
wee'll make a good markitt of it. I will put thee into 
a new sute of apparell, and thy nose into that sanguin 
complexion which it hath loste for wante of good com- 
panie and good dyet. I am sure I have done my parte, 
for I am sure my pen hath sweated through a quire of 
paper this laste weeke ; and they are noe small verses like 
' Captaine couragious, whome death coulde not dauntel but 
verses full of a poeticall spirit, such that if Elderton were 
alive to heare (happie is he that is not alive to heare them, 
els !) his blacke potts shoulde put on mourninge apparell, 
and his nose for verie envie departe out of the worlde. 

Boy. I warrante youe I'le purchase suche an auditorie 
of clowns that shall gape, nodd and laughe ! one shall crye 
' a goodlie matter,' another ' bravely wanton,' and a thirde 
'commende the sweet master.' I'le make every hoydon 
bestowe a fairinge on his dore, his wall, his windowe. 

Lux. Then ficzis pro diabolo Kinge Harrie loved a man ! 
Take heede youe clowns! here comes a juggling rimester 
that will pull you by the rude ears with a ballet! my 
father's sonne might have had a better trade if it had pleased 
Fortune ; but shee is a drab, and Luxurio will drinke to her 
confusion ! Exercise thy voice, boy, in some of my prettie 
sonnets, while wee go on. 841 

Boy. 'Nowe listen all good people 
Unto a strange event 
That did befall to two yonge men 
As they to market went. 845 

The one of them height Richarde, 
The truthe for to saye, 
The other they cal'd him Robert, 
Upon a holiday. 

E 2 



52 It)* IRettirne [Actm. 

And are not the Spaniards knaves 850 

To put us to this paine? 

They woulde have conquered Englande once, 
But nowe we'le conquer Spaine ! 

4CTUS 3. SCOENA 1. 
INGENIOSO. GULLIO. 

Ingen. Nowe, gentlemen, youe may laughe if you will, 
for here comes a gull. 855 

Gul. This rapier I boughte when I sojourned in the 
universitie of Padua. By the heavens, its a pure Tolledo ; it 
was the death of a Pollonian, a Germaine and a Ducheman, 
because the[y] woulde not pledge the health of Englande. 
Ingcn. (He was never anie further than Flushinge, and then 
he came home sicke of the scurveys.) Surely, Sir, a notable 
exploite worthy to be cronicled ! but had you anie witness 
of youre valiancie? 863 

GiiL Why, I coulde never abide to fighte privatelie, by- 
cause I woulde not have obscuritie soe familiar with my 
vertues. Since my arrivall in Englande (which is nowe 6 
months, I take, sithens) I had bene the death of one of our 
pulinge Liteltomans 1 for passinge by mee in the Moore 
Fildes unsaluted, but that there was noe historiographer by 
to have recorded it. 870 

Ingcn. Please you now, Sir, to lay the rayns on the necke 
of youre vertuous disposition ; you have gotten a suppliant 
poet that will teach mossy postcritie to know howe that 
this earthe in such a raigne was blest with a yonge Jupiter. 

Gnl. I' faith I care not for fame, but valoure and vertue 
will be spoken of in spite of oblivion. Had I cared for that 
pratinge eccho, fame, my exploits at Cosmopolis, at Cals, 
at Portingall voyage, and nowe verie latelie in Irelande, 
had bene gettinge ere this throughe everie by-streete, and 

1 Qu. ' Liteltonians ' ? 



sc. i.] from parnaggu& 53 

talkfed] of as well at the wheele of a cuntrie maide as the 
tilts and turnaments of the courte. 88 1 

Ingen. I dare sweare youre worship scapt knightinge 
verie hardly. 

Gull. That's but a pettie requitall to good deserts ! He 
that esteems mee of less worth than a knight is peasande 
and a gull. Give mee a new knight of them all, in feno 
schoole, att a Nimbrocado or at a Stocado ! Sir Oliver, Sir 
Randal, base, base chamber-tearmes ! I am saluted every 
morninge by the name of ' Good morow, Captaine, my 
sworde is at youre service ! ' 890 

Ingen. Good faith, an honorable title ! Why, this is the 
life of a man, to commande quick rapier in a taverne, to 
blowe two or three simple felowes out of a roome with a 
valiant othe, to bestowe more smoke on the worlde with 
the draught of a pipe of tobacco than proceeds from the 
chimnie of a solitarie hall ! But say, Sir, you were tellinge 
me a tale even nowe of youre Hellen, youre Venus, that 
better parte of youre amorous soule. 898 

Gull. Well remembred. Etas prima canit venerem, 
postrema tumultus. Since souldierye is not regarded, I'le 
make the ladies happie with enjoyinge my youth, and 
hange up my sworde and buckler to the behoulders. 
Amonge manie daintie court nymphes that with petition- 
inge looks have sued for my love, it pleased mee to bestowe 
love, this pleasinge fire, upon Lady Lesbia: manie a 
health have I drunke to her upon my native knees, eating 
that happie glass in honour of my mistris ! 907 

Ingen. Valiantlie done ! admirable, admirable ! 

Gull. And for matters of witt oft have I sonnetted it in 
the commendacons of her sqirill ; and verie latelie (I 
remember) that time I had a muske jerkin layde all with 
golde lace, and the rest of my furniture answerable, pretty 
sleightie apparell, stood mee not paste in twoo hundred 



54 tC6e l&etitrne 



pounds, they frowarde fates cut her munkey's threed 
asunder, and I in the abondance of poetrie bestowed an 
Epitaphe upon the deceased litell creature. 916 

Ingen. I 'faith, an excellent witt that can poetize upon 
such meane subjects! everie John Dringle can make a 
booke in the commendacions of temperance, againste the 
seven deadlie sinns, but that's a rare wit that can make 
somthinke of nothinge, that can make an Epigram of a 
Mouse and an Epitaphe on a Munkey. But love is very 
costlie, for I have hearde that you were wonte to weare 
seven sundry sutes of apparell in a weeke, and them no 
meanc ones. 925 

Gull. Tushe, man ! at the courte I thinke I shoulde 
growe lousie if I wore less than two a daye. 

Ingen. The divell of the sute hath he but this, and 
that's not payd for yet (aside]. 

Gull. I am never scene at the courte twise in one sute 
of apparell ; that's base ! as for boots, I never wore one paire 
above two hours ; as for bands, stockings, and handcher- 
chiefs, myne hostes, where my trunkes lye, nere the courte, 
hath inoughe to make her sheets for her housholde. 

Ingen. I wonder such a gallante as you are scaps the 
marriage of some Countess. 936 

Gull. Nay, I cannot abide to be tide to Cleopatra, if 
shee were alive. It's enough for me to crop virginitie, and 
to take heed that noe ladies dye vestalls and leade aps in 
hell. But seest thou this ? O touche it not ! it is divine ! 
why, man, it was a humble retainer to her buske. And 
here is another favoure, which I snached from her as I was 
in a gentleman-like curtesie tyinge of her shooe stringes. 
It is my nature to be debonaire with faire ladies, and 
vouchsake to employ this happie hande in anie service 
ether domesticall or private. 946 

Ingen. Amonge other of youre vertues I doe observe 



sc. i.] from ^atttagfgu^ 55 

youre stile to be most pure; youre English tonge comes 
as neere Tullie's as anie man's livinge. 

Gull. Oh, Sir, that was my care to prove a complet 
gentleman, to be tarn Marte quant Mercuric ; insomuche 
that I am pointed at for a poet in Paul's church yarde, 
and in the tilte-yarde for a champion ; nay, every man 
enquires after my abode. 954 

Gnats are unnoted where soe ere they flie, 
But Eagles waited on with every eye. 

I had in my dayes not unfitly bene likned to Sir Phillip 
Sidney, only with this difference, that I had the better 
legg, are l more amiable face : his Arcadia was prettie, soe 
are my sonnets : he had bene at Paris, I at Padua : he 
fought, and so dare I: he dyed in the Lowe Cuntries, and 
soe I thinke shall I : he loved a scholler, I mantaine them, 
witness thyselfe nowe. Because I sawe thee haue the 
wit to acknowledge those vertus to be mine which indeede 
are, I have restored thy dylaniated back and ruinous estate 
to those prittie clothes wherin thou now walkest. 966 

Ingen. (Oh! it is a moste lousie caste sute of his that he 
before bought of an Irish souldier !) Durste envie other 
wise reporte of youre excellencie than I have done, I would 
bob him on the pate, and make forlorne malice recante. If 
I live, I will lim[n]e out your vertues in such rude colours 
as I have, that youre late nephewes may knowe what good 
witts were youre worshipp's most bounden ! 973 

Gull. Nay, I have not onlie recreated thy could state 
with the warmth of my bountie, but also mantaine other 
poetical spirits, that live upon my trenchers, insomuche that 
I cannot come to my inn in Oxforde without a dozen 
congratulorie orations, made by genus and species and his 
ragged companions. I reward the poore ergoes most 
bountifullie, and send them away. I am verie latelie 

1 Read and. 



56 <3T|)0 l&eturtie [Actm. 

registered in the roules of fame in an Epigram made by 
a Cambridge man, one weaver fellow I warrant him, els 
coulde he never have had such a quick sight into my 
vertues ; however, I merit his praise: if I meet with him 
I will vouchsafe to give him condigne thankes. 985 

Ingen. Great reason the Muses shoulde flutter about 
youre immortall heade, since youre bodye is nothinge but 
a faire inne of fairer guests that dwell therin. But you 
have digrest from your mistris, for whose sake you and I 
began this parley. 990 

Gull. Marrie, well remembred ! I'le repeat unto you an 
enthusiasticall oration whervvith my new mistris'. ears were 
verie lately made happie. The carriage of my body, by 
the reporte of my mistriss, was excellent : I stood stroking 
up my haire, which became me very admirably, gave a low 
congcy at the beginning of each period, made every 
sentence end sweetly with an othe. It is the part of an 
Oratoure to perswade, and I know not how better than to 
conclude with such earnest protestations. Suppose also 
that thou wcrt my mistris, as somtime woodden statues 
represent the goddesses ; thus I woulde looke amorously, 
thus I would pace, thus I would salute thee. 1002 

Ingcn. (It will be my luckc to dye noe other death than 
by hearingc of his follies ! I feare this speach that's a 
comminge will breedc a deadly disease in my ears.) 1005 

Gull. Pardon, faire lady, thoughe sicke-thoughted Gullio 
maks amaine unto thee, and like a bould-faccd sutore 
'gins to woo thee 1 . 

Ingcn. (We shall have nothinge but pure Shakspeare 
and shreds of poetrie that he hath gathered at the theaters!) 

1 ' Sick-thoughted Venus makes amain unto him, 
And like a bold-faced suitor 'gins to woo him.' 

Venus and Adonis, st. i. 



sc. i.] from parna0gu& 57 

Gull. Pardon mee, moy mittressa, ast am a gentleman, 
the moone in comparison of thy bright hue a meere slutt, 
Anthonie's Cleopatra a blacke browde milkmaide, Hellen a 
dowdie. 1014 

Ingen. (Marke, Romeo and Juliet ! O monstrous theft 1 ! 
I thinke he will runn throughe a whole booke of Samuell 
Daniell's !) 

Gull. Thrise fairer than myselfe ( thus I began ) 
The gods faire riches, sweete above compare, 
Staine to all nimphes, [m]ore lovely the[n] a man, 
More white and red than doves and roses are! 1021 

Nature that made thee with herselfe had 2 strife, 
Saith that the worlde hath ending with thy life 3 . 

Ingen. Sweete Mr. Shakspeare! 

Gull. As I am a scholler, these arms of mine are long 
and strong withall, 1025 

Thus elms by vines are compast ere they falle. 

Ingen. Faith, gentleman ! youre reading is wonderfull 
in our English poetts ! 

Gull. Sweet Mistris, I vouchsafe to take some of there 
wordes, and applie them to mine owne matters by a 
scholasticall invitation. 1031 

Report thou, upon thy credit ; is not my vayne in courtinge 
gallant and honorable? 

Ingen. Admirable, sanes compare, never was so melli 
fluous a witt joynet to so pure a phrase, such comly gesture, 
suche gentlemanlike behaviour. 1036 

, Gull. But stay ! it's verie true good witts have badd 
memories. I had ^almoste forgotten the cheife pointe. I 
cal'd thee out for new year's day approcheth, and wheras 

1 Cf. Romeo and Juliet, ii. 4. 2 sic : for at. 

3 Venus and Adonis, st. 2. 



58 <ZCJe ft* turn* [ACIIH. 

other gallants bestowe Jewells upon there mistrisses (as I 
have done whilome) I now count it base to do as the 
common people doe ; I will bestowe upon them the precious 
stons of my witt, a diamonde of invention, that shall be 
above all value and esteeme ; therfore, sithens I am 
employed in some weightie afifayrs of the courte, I will have 
thee, Ingenioso, to make them, and when thou hast done I 
will peruse, pollish, and correcte them. 1047 

Ingen. My pen is youre bounden vassall to commande. 
But what vayne woulde it please you to have them in ? 

Gull. Not in a vaine veine (prettie, i'faith !) : make mee 
them in two or three divers vayns, in Chaucer's, Gower's 
and Spencer's and Mr. Shakspeare's. Marry, I thinke I 
shall cntertaine those verses which run like these ; 
Even as the sunn with purple coloured face 
Had tane his lastc leave on 1 the weeping morne, &c. 
O sweet Mr. Shakspeare! Tie have his picture in my study 
at the courte. 1055 

Ingen. (Take heed, my maisters ! he'le kill you with 
tediousness ere I can ridel him of the stage!) 

Gull. Come, let us in ! I'le eate a bit of phesaunte, and. 
drincke a cupp of wine in my cellar, and straight to the 
courte Tic goe. A Countess and twoo lordes expect mee 
to clay at dinner ; they arc my very honorable frendes ; I 
muste not disapointc them. \_Exeunt. 

Enter LEONARDE and CONSILIODORUS. 
Leon. Mr. Consiliodorus, are you within? God be here! 

ConsiL What, Leonarde? fill us a cupp of bcare for 
Leonard ! what good news, Leonarde ? 1065 

Leon. Oh, I have had great affliction since I sawe you 
laste. Tib is fallen sore sicke of the glanders, and Dun, 
poore jade, I thinke he hath eaten a feather. But I have 
1 'of: Venus and Adonis. 1. 2. 



SC.L] from $anta#0u& 59 

letters for youe, and as manie commendacions as there are 
greene grass betwixt you and them. I told them of there 
'havioure, I warrant youe ; I tolde them howe costlie there 
nutreringe was, and they might by this time if they had 
bene good boyes have learned all there bookes. I chid 
them roundlie, without bawking, for blowing at tabecca; 
I toulde them plainely it was nothing but a docke leafe 
stept in a chamber pott ; and by cocke ! Mr. Consiliodorus, 
I did such good upon them, that I thinke by this time they 
are gone into the cuntrie to teache. ' I warrant Mr. Philo- 
musus will prove a greate clarke, he is such a ready man of 
his tongue; yet I thinke Mr. Studioso is as well book- 
Jearned as he is. 1081 

Consil. I pray thee, Leonarde, goe in, and eate a bit of 
meate. I'le followe thee straighte. 

Leon. God thanke youe, Mr., wee that are stirringe 
betimes have good stomackes ; but I'le firste leade my 
horses to the hay racke ; they, poore jades, are as shallowe 
as a cloakbagg. \Exit. 

Consil. Hencforthe let none be sent by carefull syres, 
Nor sonns nor kinred, to Parnassus hill, 
Since waywarde fortune thus rewardes our coste 1090 
With discontent, theire paines with povertie. 
Mechanicke arts may smile, there followers laughe, 
But liberall arts bewaile there destinie, 
Since noe Maecenas in this niggard age 
Guerdons they sonns of Muses and of skill. 1095 

My joyless minde foretells this sad event, 
That learning needs muste leave this duller clime 
To be possest by rude simplicitie, 
And thither hasten with a nimble winge 
Where arts doe florishe like the gaudy springe. uoo 

.Too longe sweet birds have carrolde in our woodes, 
Too longe they nightingales have jo[y]de our groves, 



6o % fie Re tit me 

If thus they be rewarded with disdayne. 

Hencfoorth night-ravens nessle in our trees, 

And scrichinge owles dwell in those leavie cages 1105 

Where erst did chaunt they springtime's prettie pages ! 

Never dare anie boulde attemptinge pen 

Seeke to expell the Tyrant of the northe, 

Rough Barbarisme, that in those ackhorns 1 times 

Commanded our whole ilande as his owne. mo 

But stay, my tounge ! too lavish of her tearmes ! 

Pray God the times be faultie of this ill ! 

I feare mee, I, the times be innocent, 

While guile doth cleave to theire unstayed youthe, 

In trewantinge there time, wastinge whole years, 1115 

Without or feedinge time or harvest hope. 

Howe ere it be, blameworthy am not I, 

That cared for them with a wakefull eye. 

Litell I have ; that litell muste mantaine 

That litell scene of life which doth remainc. 1120 

My sonic ere longe will leave this house of clay, 

Death's nighte will come, and endc my livinge daye. 

Exit. 

AC TVS 4. SCO EN A 1. 

GULLIO. INGENIOSO. 

Gnll. The Countess and my lorde entertayned mee verie 
honorablcly. Indeede they used my advise in some state 
matters, and I perceyved the Earle woulde faine have 
thruste one of his daughters upon mee ; but I will have noe 
knave priste to medle with my ringe. I bestowed 20 angells 
upon the officers of the house att my departure, kist the 
Countess, tooke my leave of my lorde, and came awaye. 1129 

Ingen. (I thinkes he meanes to poyson mee with a lie 1 
Why he is acquainted with nere a lorde except my lorde 

1 Qu. Acheron's? 



sc. i.] from ^9arna00u& 61 

Coulton, and for Countesses, he never came in the cuntrie 
where a Countess dwells !) Faith, Sir, I must needs com- 
mende youre generous high spirit that cannot endure to be 
stinted to one, though shee were a goddess, consideringe 
that there are soe tnanie ladies that sue for youre favoure. 

Gull. I thinke there is such a sayinge in Homer lit 
ameris amabilis esto^ that is, be a complet gentleman, and 
they ladies will love thee ; howsoever prating Tullie in his 
poem saith, Ctim amareni eram miser, when I loved I was 
a drivell ; yet he was well taunted by another poet in this 
goulden sayinge, vir sapit qui parum loquititr, that is, 
Tullie might have houlde his peace with more honestie. 
True it is that Ronzarde spake Thi pecora si pha illupola 
mangia, which I thus translated Quisquis amat ranam^ 
ranam putat esse Dianam, and thus extempore into Eng- 

lishe, 1147 

What man soever loves a crane 

The same he thinkes to be Diane. 

A dull universitie's heade woulde have bene a month 
aboute thus muche ! 

Ingen. Is it possible you should utter such highe 
spirited poettrie without premeditation? 1153 

Gull. As I am a gentleman and a scholler, it was but a 
suddaine flash of my invention. It is my custome in my 
common talke to make use of my readinge in the Greeke, 
Latin, French, Italian, Spanishe poetts, and to adorne my 
oratorye with some prettie choice extraordinarie sayinges. 
But have youe finished those verses in an ambrosiall 
veyne that must kiss my mistris' daintie hande? I'le nowe 
steale some time from my weightie affayres to peruse 
them. 1162 

Ingen. Yes, Sir, I have made them in there severall 
vaynes. Lett them be judged by youre elegante eares, and 
soe acquitted or condemned. 



62 t&z Iftnurne 



Gull. Lett mee heare Chaucer's vaine firste. I love 
antiquitie, if it be not harshe. 

Ingen. Even as the flowers in the coulde of night 
Yclosed slepen in there stalkes lowe, 
Red ressen them the sunne brighte 1170 

And spreaden in theire kinde course by rowe, 
Right soe mine eyne, when I up to thee throwe 
They bene yclear'd ; therfore, O Venus deare, 
Thy might, thy grace, yheried be it here. 

Nor scrivener nor craftilie I write, 1175 

Blott I a litell the paper with my tears, 

Nought might mee gladden while I endite 

But this poore scroule that thy name ybears. 

Go, blessed scroule ! a blisfull destinie 

Is shapen thee, my lady shalt thou see. 1180 

Nought fitteth mee in this sad thinge I feare 
To usen jolly tcarmes of meriment ; 
Solemne tearmes better fittcn this mattere 
Then to usen tearmes of good content. 
For if a painter a pike woulde painte 1185 

With asse's feet and headed like an ape, 
It cordeth not ; soe were it but a jape. 
GulL Noe more! nowe, in my discreet judgment, this 
I judge of them, that they are dull, harshe and spiritless ; 
my mistris will soone finde them not to savoure of my 
sweet vayne. Besides, thers a worde in the laste canto 
which my chaste Ladye will never endure the readinge of. 
Thou shouldest have insinuated soe much, and not toulde 
it plainlye. What is becomne of arte ? Well, dye when I 
will, I shall leave but litell learninge behinde mee upon the 
earthe ! Well, those verses have purchast my implacable 
anger ; lett mee heare youre other vayns. 1197 

Ingen. Sir, the worde as Chaucer useth it hath noe 
unhonest meaninge in it, for it signifieth a jeste. 



sc. i.] from p>arnaggu&. 63 

Gull. Tush ! Chaucer is a foole, and you are another for 
defendinge of him. 

Ingen. Then you shall heare Spencers veyne. 
A gentle pen rides prickinge on the plaine, 
This paper plaine, to resalute my love. 1204 

Gull. Stay, man ! thou haste a very lecherous witt ; 
what wordes are these ? Though thou comes somwhat neare 
my meaninge yet it doth not become my gentle witt to sett 
it downe soe plainlye Youe schollers are simple felowes, 
men that never came where ladies growe ; I that have 
spente my life amonge them knowes best what becometh 
my pen and theire ladishipps ears. Let mee heare Mr. 
Shakspear's veyne. 1212 

Ingen. Faire Venus, queene of beutie and of love, 
Thy red doth stayne the blushinge of the morne, 
Thy snowie necke shameth the milkwhite dove, 
Thy presence doth this naked worlde adorne; 
Gazinge on thee all other nymphes I scorne. 
When ere thou dyest slowe shine that Satterday, 
Beutie and grace muste sleepe with thee for aye! 1219 

Gull. Noe more! I am one that can judge accordinge 
to the proverbe, bovem ex unguibus. Ey marry, Sir, these 
have some life in them ! Let this duncified worlde esteeme 
of Spencer and Chaucer, I'le worshipp sweet Mr. Shakspeare, 
and to honoure him will lay his Venus and Adonis under 
my pillowe, as wee reade of one (I doe not well remember 
his name, but I am sure he was a kinge) slept with Homer 
under his bed's heade. Well, I'le bestowe a Frenche crowne 
in the faire writinge of them out, and then I'le instructe 
thee about the delivery of them. Meanewhile I'le have 
thee make an elegant description of my mistris ; liken the 
worste part of her to Cynthia ; make also a familiar 
dialogue betwixt her and myselfe. He now in, and correct 
these verses. [Exit. 



64 tCJe IBUturne [ACUV. 

Ingen. Why, who coulde endure this post put into a 
sattin sute, this haberdasher of lyes, this bracchidochio, this 
ladyemunger, this meere rapier and dagger, this cringer, 
this foretopp, but a man that's ordayned to miserie ! Well, 
madame Pecunia^ one more for thy sake will I waite on 
this truncke, and with soothinge him upp in time will leave 
him a greater foole than I founde him. \Exit. 

Enter WARDEN. 

Warden. Mass, maisters! the case is alterd with mee 
since I was here laste. They call mee noe more plaine * Will,' 
nor 'William,' nor ' goodman Percevall,' but 'Mr. Warden,' 
at everye worde. Well, if yee please mee well you may 
happ make the bells speake sometime for this. But stay, 
I seeke our Sexton, and yonder he is. Now good Sexton, 
I am tirde as anie of my plage jades with enquiringe you. 
You shoulde have 'pearde 'fore Mr. Maior his maistershipp, 
for, wott you what ? The parish have put up a subligation 
against you, and say you are the moste unnegligent Sexton 
that ever came these forty years and upwarde, for in 
Jenkin's dayes (well may the bons rest of the good ould 
Sexton !) the chaunccll was kept in order, the church 
swept, and the bords rubde that thou mightest have scene 
yourc face in them, and for my parte I never used other 
lookinge glass ; well he woulde have gott our prelate hadle 
up service ! Moreover they saye the bells are never tunge l , 
and they complaine youe are too proude to whipp they 
doggs out, as youre predecessours have done. Thus much 
can I saye of mine owne knowledge, that since you were 
Sexton, the parish doggs have not been ashamed to beraye 
mine owne pue. 1262 

Philo. But I pray youe, in breefe, what did they 
magistrats conclude of Philomusus ? 



Sic. 



sc. i.] from parnaggug. 65 



Warden. Faith, Philomusus, ways mee for yee, gud 
ladd ! ther's sorowfull tydings ; you are out of office, and 
I was readie to crye to heare the sentence pronounced. 
Yet thus much of frenshipp, I bespoke you a pasport, 
least the clarigols att some town's ende catche you. Well, 
give mee upp youre keys, for I must begone. \Exit. 

Philom. Take them, for the[y] are better lost than 

found e ! 

That day I tooke them dyd my fortune frowne, 
Yet may I see fortuns inconstancye 
As well in this as in some dignitie. 

Longe since I gave a farewell to good haps, 1275 

And bade them cozen whom they woulde for mee ; 
I longe had bene there faithfull follower, 
Yet reapt noe guerdon but disgrace of them. 
Come, colde and scarcitie! for youe have bene 
My faithfull bedfelowes this manie a yeare, 1280 

And kept mee companie in sorrowe's bedd, 
Where care hath chased slumbers quite away 
That would have ceas'd upon my watchfull eyes. 
Longe since my fortun's sunshine's bene eclypst 
With foggie clouds 'and made as black as piche ; 1285 
Soe that I see my mournfull funerall 
Of all good happs and faire felicitie. 
My thoughts like mourners follow this my hearse, 
My sobbs resounde like to a passinge bell, 
And drearie sighes ring out my dolefull knell. 1290 

Enter STUDIOSO. 

Stud. And is it soe ? will fortune nere have done ? 
Longe since I thought that shee had left mee quite 
When shee had brought mee to this slauerie, 
But nowe I see shee hath more whipps in store 
To scourge my corps and lash my galled sides. 1295 

My bloominge flowers, which did daylie waite 

F 



66 ^fje l&eturne 



To be refreshed with an Aprill shower, 

And promised some frutes in latter years, 

Are nowe quite nipt with the chillie froste, 

And blasted by the breath of Boreas. 1300 

Thus, thus, alas ! my winter now is come 

Ere I had thought the springe time had bene done ! 

But who is this ? Philomusus I see ? he carries the oulde 

characters of Melancholy in his face ; I'le put him out of 

his dumps ! howe now, Philomusus, howe goes the worlde 

with youe ? 1306 

Philo. Ncre worse, and seldome better ; one againe 
I muste goe wander nowe from place to place, 
Till it please Fortune take mee to her grace. 

Stud. Art thou to seeke thy fortuns new againe? 
And soe am I ; He keepe thee companie, 1311 

Till Fortune give us one a restinge place. 
I thinke it is ordayned by destinie 
That wee shoulde still match in adversitie. 
But I pray thee, Philomusus, how did the parish fall out 
with thee? 1316 

PJiilom. I was put out by a stuttringe churchwarden 
because I woulde not be a dogg whipper. The clowne 
toulde mee suche an absurde tale, howe since I was Sexton 
they doggs have not bene ashamed to bewray his seate. 
But why shoulde I recite this drivell's speches ? To 
conclude, I am put out, and am sent away with a pasporte. 
But tell mee, art thou put away nowe for whippinge thy 
yonge M r ? 1324 

Stud. Noe, not soe. I am putt out for a matter of less 
importance ; marry, because I would not suffer one of the 
blew coates to pearch above mee at the latter dinner. My 
yonge maister whome I taughte was verie forwarde to have 
mee gone, and toulde his mother he never learned in a 
greate booke since I came ; my mistris with a shrill voice 



sc. i.] from ^arna00u& 67 

cride, * These schollers are proude, these schollers are 
proude,' and sent mee packinge awaye. 

Philom. Yea, every tawnye trull, each mincinge dame, 
Each ambling minion, may commande the arts, 
Kill a poore scholler with a suddaine frowne, 1335 

Place or displace him as her humor goes. 
Minerva, see! and shame to see thy sonns 
Made servile druges to the female sex, 
Of less repute than is each whislinge groome, 
Each unrefined hinde, each start-upp clowne. 1340 

Stud. It heats thy bloude, endeared Philomusus, 
To see the happs of thy unhappie frendes. 
It grives my sp'rits to see thy great deserts 
Soe litell guerdon'd by this thankless age. 
The gapinge grave, they could dead carcasses 1345 

Of more humanitie than livinge men, 
Seemed alate to paye to thy poore stale 
Some tribute pence for meaner mantenance. 
Soe learning is of senseless things regarded, 
Thoughe scarse of anie living wight rewarded. 1350 

Philom. Well, Studioso, better happ befall thee 
In whatsoever ayre thou livest or breathest. 
I meane to change this heaven for another, 
And fmde or better happ or kinder grave. 
Alter I will my soyle, but not my minde ; 1355 

That lives with thee ; soe soules live where they love. 
When as I treade upon a stranger earthe 
I'le thinke on thee, and with a deepe breath'd sighe, 
Recounte our springtime's hapless destinies : 
Then straight a smile shall smooth my clouded browe, 
Whiles hope perswads mee of thy happiness. 1 1361 

Stud. Nay, where thy happs be nipt my hopes must 
wither ! 

1 'pappiness' MS.! 
F 2, 



68 <gcj)e l&cturtu |>tv. 

The ayre that not rewards thee scorneth mee. 

Then lett us flye together with a winge 

Whither good Starrs and happie fates us bringe. 1365 

Philom. As I was loath to pull thee from thy frendes, 
Distracte thee from thy cuntries sweet embrace, 
To robb thy lipps from suckinge of that ayre 
Where firste thou sawest the gawdye flatteringe light, 
Soe nowe my partinge harte doth leape for joy, 1370 
Since I shall have a mate for my longe waye 
Whose talke will add winges to the tedious daye. 

Stud. Come, let us caste our cards before wee goe, 
Summon our losses if wee nere returne, 
Cross our oulde cares, and turne the leafe anew, 1375 
And, after, give our soyle a longe adewe! 

Act us quarti finis. 



ACTUS 5. SCCENA 1''. 
GULLIO. INGENIOSO. 

Gull. Howe nowe, Ingenioso, didest thou accordinge 
to my direction deliver my letters ? 

Ingcn. I did, if it please youre worshipp. 

Gull. What answerr did faife Lesbia, the mistris of 
thoughtes, returne mee? 1381 

Ingcn. Shee tooke youre letter, and red it over. 

Gull. Then surely by this time shee is mightilie 
enamour'd of mee. 

Ingcn. And after shee hadd redd over youre letter, 
shee gave it mee againe, as if shee knew you not. 1386 

Gull. Not knowe mee ? You are a verie Jacke to mis 
take my mistris in that sorte ! Suche an inhumane worde 
coulde not proceede from the mouthe of my sweete mistris. 



sc. i.] from $arna00u#* 69 

Noe less than a million of times have I participated unto 
her both mercuriall and martiall discourses in the active 
and chivalrous vaunt of Don Bellerephon ! How often of 
yore have I sunge my sonnets under her windowe to a con- 
sorte of musicke, I myselfe playinge upon my ivorie lute 
moste enchantinglie ! 1395 

Ingen. (The divell of the musition is he acquainted with, 
but onlye Jacke fidler !) 

Gull. Whenc shoulde this chaunge of hers proceede ? 
canst thou gess ? 

Ingen. I cannot imagine, except that younge gallant 
that stoode dallyinge with her be some rivall in youre love. 

Gidl. Have I a rivall? by Bellona my goddess, he 
shoulde dye, coulde I meete with anie such audacious puny 
longe cloke ! I woulde make him not refuse the humblest 
vassalage to the soale of my boots 1 But I warrant my 
mistris mistooke! Indeede, I use not to sende on such 
messages suche unmanerlye knaves as thyselfe. Thou 
shouldst, accordinge to thy portion of witt, have described 
unto her the perfections of my minde and bodie. 1409 

Ingen. I gave you as sweet a reporte as was possible ; 
I sayde there is not a more compleat gentleman on the 
earth ; but all woulde not serve the turne : she gave youe 
a nescio, and youre letter a scornefull smile. 1415 

Gull. True it is that Virgill saithe, 

Quid pluma levius ? Flamen. Quid flamine ? Ventus. 

Quid vento? Mulier. Quid muliere? Nihil. 1416 

These pulinge minions had rather have a carpett knighte a 

capringe page, than a man of warr and a scholler ! Ha, Ha, 

see thee nowe ! I smell it ! It was youre duncerie wrought 

mee this disgrace, and yet I adorn'd thy seely invention 

with a prettie wittie Latinn sentence. Hencforthe I will 

not norishe any such unlearned pedants. These universities 

send not foorth a good witt in an age ! I'le travell to Paris 



70 <3Ef)e l&eturne [Actv. 

myselfe, and there commence for filius nobilis, and converse 
noe more with anie of our base English witts, which have 
somwhat corrupped the generous spirit of my poetrie. As 
for the sute, thy wittie lines have thus dishonoured mee, 
thy Maecenas here cassceeres thee, and dothe bequeath 
thee to the travellinge trade. 1429 

Ingen. Sir, it was not my lines but youre Lattin that 
spoyled youre love markett. To say the truthe, I deliver'd 
youre letter, and was rewarded with the tearmes of * What, 
youe saucye groome, are you bringinge mee such paper 
wisps ? from what sattin sute I pray you comes this ? what 
foretopp bewrayed this, this paper ? ' and when I named 
you, ' What, Gullio, that knowne foole ? ' sayde shee. 

Gull. Why, that's verie true, my fame is spread farr and 
neare, but why saide shee that shee knew mee not ? 1438 

Ingcn. Belike she was ashamed of you before her 
gallant ; but interrupt mee not. ' If it be his ' (sayd shee) 
I am sure not a worde of it proceeds from his pen but a 
sentence of Lattin (which I was toulde is false) : well, warne 
him that hee looke to his rheumeticke witt, that he bespitt 
paper pages noe more to mee ; if he doe, Tie have some 
porter or bearewoode to cudgell the vayne braggadochio.' 

Gull. Peace, youe impecunious peasant! As I am a soul- 
dicr, I was never so abus'd since I firste bore arms ! What, 
you vassall, if a lunaticke bawdie trull, a pocketinge 
queane, detracte from my vertues, will thy audacious selfe 
dare to repeate them in the presence of this blade ? Were 
it not that I will not file my handes upon suche a con 
temptible rascalde, and that I will not have my name in the 
time to come, where myselfe shall be cronicled, disgraced 
with the base victorie of such an earth worme, I woulde 
prove it upon that carrion of thy witt, that my Lattin was 
pure Lattin, and such as they^speake in Rhems and Padua. 
Why, it is not the custome in Padua to observe such base 



'sc. i.] from 

ruls as Lilie, Priscian, and such base companions have sett 
downe ; wee of the better sorte have a priveledge to create 
Lattin like knights, and to saye, Rise up, Sir Phrase. But, 
Sirra, begone ! thou haste moved my chollar ; report of my 
clemencie that in mine anger, contrarie to my custome, 
[I] suffer thy contemptible carcass to possess thy cowadly 
ghoste. 1464 

Ingen. What, youe whorsonn tintunabulum, thou that 
art the scorne of all good witts, the ague of all souldiers, 
that never spokest wittie thinge but out of a play, never 
hardest the reporte of a gun without tremblinge, why, 
Mounsier Mingo, is youre asse's heade growne proude with 
scratchinge ? - thinkest thou a man of art can endure thy 
base usage? 1471 

G2ill. Terrence, thou art a gentleman of thy worde : 
familiar it as par it contemptum \ Sirra, Alexander did never 
strive with anie but kinges, and Gullio will fight with none 
but gallants. Farewell, base peasante, and thanke God thy 
fathers were noe gentlemen ; els thou shouldest not live an 
houre longer. Base, base, base peasant, peasant ! Soe hares 
may pull deade lions by the bearde ! \Exit 

Ingen. Farewell, base carle clothed in a sattin sute, 
Farewell, guilte ass, farewell, base broker's poste ! 1480 
Too ofte have I rub'd over thy mule's dull head, 
Fedd like a flie on thy corruption. 
Nowe had I rather live in povertie 
Than be tormented with the tedious talks 
Of Gullio's wench and of his luxuries, 1485 

To heare a thousand lies in one short day 
Of his false warrs at Portingale or Calls. 
My freer spirit did lie in tedious woe 
Whiles it applauded bragging Gullio, 

Applide my veyne to sottishe Gullio, 149 

Made wanton lines to please lewd Gullio. 



72 Cfje l&eturtu [Actv. 

Attend hencforth on Gulls for mee who liste, 
For Gullio's sake I'le prove a Satyrist. 

I heard that Studioso and Philomusus, discontented with 
theire fortuns, meane to trye another ayre ; they appointed 
to call on mee at Gullio's chamber in Shordiche; I'le 
thither, and truss upp my trincketts, and enquire after 
them, that our fortuns may shake handes before they parte. 
Then I'le goe to the press, they to the seas. 1499 

SCCENA 2. 
LUXURIO. BOY. 

Lux. There is a beaste in India call'd a polecatt, that 
the further shee is from youe the less she stinks and the 
further she is from you the less you smell her. This dry 
cuntrie is that polecatt, that creats such an unsavourie smell 
in the noistrells of a liquid schollcr, it's better nowe adayes 
to be a mute than a liquidd, and a consonant cryer than a 
voacall academicke. 1506 

Boy. Why, Mr., arc you growne melancholickc ? 

Lux. r faith noc, boy! I have a jollie soule, that scorns 
sorow ; but I am in some choller with this assheaded age, 
where the honorable trade of ballet makinge is of such base 
reckoninge ; but soc it hath bcne in ancient time, when 
Homer first sett up his riminge shopp, one of the firste that 
ever was of my trade. 

Boy. Why, was Homer of our trade? I tooke him to 
have bene a blinde harper. 1515 

Lux. Blinde he was indeede, and that is the onlie 
difference betwixt us. And ere longe I'le drincke out 
mine eyes, and then be as true a Homer as \w\vlv aei6e Ota. 
He was poore in his life, I was as verie a beggar as hee for 
his soule. No man carde for him in his life time, I am sure 
I am in as litell reckoninge as he for his life. Seaven 



sc.2.] from ^arnaggug. 73 



cuntries strove about him when he was deade, and I doubt 
not when I am made tapster of the lower cuntries, and the 
workes of my witt left behinde mee here upon earthe, 
manie a towne will chalenge unto itselfe the creditt of my 
birthe. Howsoever now I am a plaine Si nihil attuleris^ ibis, 
Homere^foras; noe pennie, noe pott of ale. 1527 

Boy. Indeed, Sir, noe doubt but that cuntries will miss 
youe when youe are gone ; when they shall have a calfe 
with 5 feet, see a hare at a crosslande, here a pye chatter 
or a raven sitt uppon the top of a new kitchen, they shall 
want there oulde poet to emparte it to the worlde, and 
there younge Ismenias to singe it at a stall. They maidens 
shall want sonnets at there pales, and they cuntrie striplings 
ditties to sing at the maydes windowes ; the cart-horses will 
goe discontented for want of there wonted musicke, and the 
cowes lowe for the want of there Luxurio. But as for 
youre tapstershipp in hell, it were a good office in soe 
whott a place ; and unless youe provide youe some such 
place, youre drye soule will quicklie will 1 be out of drincke. 

Lux. I' faith, well saide \ I meane to drincke the worlde 
drye before I leave it, and not leave soe muche as the 
element of water for generation. Let us loiter noe longer, 
leaste the clarigoles catche us, but travell towards our 
frends, to be kept like honeste oulde beggars by the parishe. 
Farewell, daintie poetrie, I kiss my hande, and humblie take 
my leave of thee ; thou art but a ragged patroness, and soe 
I leave thee. 1548 

Boy. Shee makes her followers ragged, and soe shee 
leavs them. But lett us marche forwarde to the confusion 
of these cellars, which our thristie * soules shall besiege. 

Lux. Farewell, thou mustie worlde! I meane to beare 

no coals, 1553 

And therfore will I straight drincke out these seeinge holes. 

1 Sic. 



74 1f) Heturne [Actv. 

Boy. Farewell, thou impecunious clyme ! Luxurio and 

his page 

Will beggars prove elsewheare, and run from thee in rage. 

{Exeunt. 

SCCENA 3. 
INGENIOSO. STUDIOSO. PHILOMUSUS. 

Ingen. Nay, sighe not, men ! laughe at the foolish 

worlde ; 

They have the shame, though wee the miserie. 
Strange regions well may scoff at our rude clyme, 
And other schools laugh at Parnassus' hill, 1560 

That better doe rewarde each scrivener's pen, 
Each tapster's cringe, each rubbinge ostler, 
Than those that live like anchors in a mue 
And spend there youthe in contemplation, 
Bycause they woulde refine the ruder worlde, 1565 

And rouse the souls in clayie cottages. 

Stud. Schollars cride longe agoe, the worlde was 

naught ! 

And yet, like Marius' mules, they laboure still 
To get these arts, these poore contemned arts, 
As though they studied with a wakefull eye 1570 

To goe the nearest way to povertie. 

Philom. I'le spende noe treuan breath in this stale 

theame ! 

Full ofte have I chid this unkinder worlde, 
Tould groves and murmuringe brooks of this sad tale, 
Rated my luck, my thwartinge destinie, 
That train'd mee upp in learninge's vanitie. 1576 

Ingen. Rayle wee for eare, asses will folowe kinde, 
A fox may change his heyre but not his minde. 

Stud. Yea, Midas' brood fore eare must honoured be, 
While Phoebus followers live in miserie. 1580 



sc.3.] from parnaggug. 75 

Philom. Nor envie I each painted dunghill store : 
A scholler is alwayes better than a bore. 

Ingen. Well, fawne the worlde or frowne, my wit 

mantaine mee ; 
The press shall keepe me from base beggarie. 

Stud. To Rome or Rhems I'le hye, led on by fate, 
Where I will ende my dayes or mende my state. 1586 

Philom. And soe will I ; heard-hearted clyme, farewell! 
In regions farr I'le thy unkindness tell. 

Ingen. If schollers' wants would end with our short 

scene, 
Than should our litell scene end more content. 1590 

Stud. But schollers still must live in discontent ; 
What reason than our scene shoulde end content? 

Philom. Till then our acts some happier fortuns see, 
WVle banish from our stage all mirth and glee. 

Ingen. Whatever schollers 

Stud, discontented be 1595 

Philom. Let none but them 

All. give us a Plaudite. 

PLA UDITE. 



THE 



RETVRNE FROM PERNASSVS: 



OR 



THE SCOURGE OF SIMONY. 

Publiquely acted by the Students in Saint lohns 
Colledge in Cambridge. 



[The bracketed words are the corrections adopted from Mr. Halliwell-Phillipps' 
MS. The list of characters follows the prologue in the printed copies.] 



jQame.s of tbe actors. 



Dramatis Persona. 
[Boy, Stagekeeper, and two other in the Prologue.] 



INGENIOSO. 

lUDICIO. 

DANTER. 

PHILOMUSUS. 
STUDIOSO. 
FUROR POETICUS. 
PHANTASMA. 

Patient. 

RlCHARDETTO J . 

THEODORE, phisition. 
Burgesse, patient. 
IAQUES, STUDIOSO. 
ACADEMICO. 



AMORETTO. 

Page. 

Signer IMMERITO. 

STERCUTIO, his father. 

Sir FREDERICK 2 . 

Recorder. 

Page. 

PRODIGO. 

BURBAGE. 

KEMPE. 
Fidlers. 
Patients man. 



1 Rhicardetto, A. 

2 In the printed text this name is always afterwards given as Raderick. 
Sir Randall," MS. 



l&etume from perttaggu^ 77 



'THE PROLOGUE. 
.Boy, Stagekeeper, Momus, Defensor. 
Boy. Spectators we will act a Comedy (non plus). 
Stage. A pox on't this booke hath it not in it, you 
would be whipt, [you 1 ] raskall 2 : [you] must be sitting vp 
all night at cardes, when [you] should be conning your 3 
part. 5 

Boy. Its all long [of 4 ] you, I could not get my part a 
night or two before that I might sleepe on it. 

Stagekeeper carrieth the boy away vnder his arme. 

Mo. It's euen well done, here is such a stirre about a 
scuruie English show. 9 

Defend Scuruy in thy face, thou scuruie Jack, if this 
company were not, you paultry Crittick, 6 [Gentlemen, 7 ] you 
that knowe what it is to play at primero, or passage, you 
that haue beene deepe students at post and paire, saint 8 
and Loadam. You that haue spent all your quarters 
reueneues in riding post one night in 9 Chrismas, beare with 
the weake memory of a gamster. 16 

Mo. Gentlemen you that can play at noddy, or rather 
play vpon nodies : you that can set vp a ieast, at primero 10 
insteed of a rest, laugh at the prologue that was taken 
away in a voyder. 20 

Defen. What we present I must needes confesse is but 
slubbered inuention : [but] if your wisedome [observe] 11 
the circumstance, your kindenesse will pardon the sub 
stance. 24 

Mo. What is presented here, is an old musty show, 
that hath laine this twelue moneth in the bottome of a 

1 < thou,' edits. 2 rakehele,' MS. 3 < thy/ B. 4 ' on,' edits. 

5 ' Defender of the Playwas nonplus] MS. 6 ' crickhett,' MS. 7 ' Gentle 

man,' edits. 8 sanul,' MS. 9 The last line is lost in the MS. 

10 'priemero,' B; 'primero or passage,' MS. a 'obscure,' edits. 



78 <ZCSe l&eturne 

coalehouse amongst broomes and old shooes, an inuension 
that we are ashamed of, and therefore we haue promised 
the Copies to the Chandlers to wrappe his candles in. 29 

Defen. It's but a Christenmas 1 toy, and [so] may it 
please your curtisies to let it passe. 

Mom. Its a Christmas toy indeede, as good a conceit 
as [stanging 2 ] hotcockles, or blinde-man buffe. 

Defcn. Some humors you shall see aymed at, if not 
well resembled. 35 

Mom. Humors indeede : is it not a pretty humor to 
stand hammering vpon two indiuiduum vagum* 2. schol- 
lers some whole 4 yeare. These same Phil and Studio-. 
haue beene followed with a whip, and a verse like a Couple 
of Vagabonds through England and Italy. The Pilgrimage 
to Pcrnassus, and the returne from Pernassus haue stood 
the honest Stagekeepers in many a Crownes expence for 
linckes 5 and vizards: purchased [many] a Sophister a knock 
[with 6 ] a clubber hindred the buttlers box, and emptied 
the Colledge barrells ; and now vnlesse you know the 
subiect well 7 you may returne home as wise as you came, 
for this last is the [last 8 ] part of the returne from Pernassus, 
that is 9 the last time that the Authors wit wil turne vpon 
the toe in this vaine, and at this time the scene is not at 
Pernassus, that is, lookes not good inuention in the 
face. 51 

Dcfcn. If the Catastrophe please you not, impute it to 
the vnpleasing fortunes of discontented schollers. 

Mom. For Catastrophe ther's neuer a tale in sir lohn 
Mandcuil, or Beuis of Soutliampton but hath a better 
turning. 56 

1 ' Christmas,' B. 2 ' slauging,' edits. 3 ind. vag. omitted in MS. 

4 ' foure,' MS. 5 ' torches,' MS. 6 * which,' edits. 7 ' unless 

you have heard the former,' MS. 8 'least,' edits. 9 'both the first 

and/ inserted in edits. 



from ^rcnaggug. 79 

Stagekeeper. What you leering asse, be gon with 
a pox. 

Mom. You may doe better to busy your selfe in pro- 
uiding beere, for the shew will be pittifull drie, pittifull 
drie. \Exit. 

[Defen]. No more of this, I heard the spectators aske for 
a blanke verse 1 . 

Whatfear] we shew, is but a Christmas iest, 

Conceiue of this and guesse of 2 all the rest : 65 

Full like a schollers haplesse fortunes pen'd, 

Whose former griefes seldome haue happy end, 

Frame[n] aswell, we might with easie straine, 

With far more praise, and with as little paine. 

Storyes of loue, where forne the wondring bench, 70 

The lisping gallant might inioy his wench. 

Or make some Sire acknowledge his lost sonne, 3 

Found when the weary act is almost done. 

Nor vnto this, nor [that is our scene] bent, 4 

We onely shew a schollers discontent. 75 

In Scholers fortunes twise forlorne and dead 

Twise hath our weary pen earst laboured. 

Making them Pilgrims [to 5 ] Pernassus hill, 

Then penning their returne with ruder quill. 

Now we present vnto each pittying eye, 80 

The schollers progresse in their misery. 

Refined wits 6 your patience is our blisse, 

Too weake our scene ; too great your 7 iudgment is. 

To you we seeke to shew a schollers state, 

His scorned fortunes, his vnpittyed fate. 85 

To you : for if you did not schollers blesse, 

Their case (poore case) were too too pittilesse. 

1 The first twelve lines of this speech are in the MS. transposed to the end. 
2 'at,' MS. 3 'Perhaps alluding to Patient Grissill, a comedy, 1603,' 

Malone. * ' nor unto that our scene is bent,' edits. 5 ' in,' edits. 

' spin-its,' MS. 7 ' our,' B. 8 ' made,' B. 



lEUturne 

You shade the muses vnder fostering, 

And make 1 them leaue to sigh, and learne to sing. 



AC^US 1. SCENA 1. 
INGENIOSO, with luuenall in his hand. 

Difficile cst, Satyram non scribere, nam quis iniqucz 90 

Tarn paticns vrbis, tarn [f err ens'* ] vt teneat se ? 

I, luuenall : thy ierking hand is good, 

Not gently laying on, but fetching bloud, 

So surgean-like thou dost with cutting heale, 

Where nought but lanching can the wound auayle. 95 

O suffer me, among so many men, 

To tread aright the traces of thy :5 pen. 

And light my linke at thy eternall flame, 

Till with it I brand euerlasting shame 

On the worlds forhead, and with thine owne spirit, 100 

Pay home the world according to his merit. 

Thy purer soule could not endure to see, 

Euen smallest spots of base impurity : 

Nor 4 could small faults escape thy cleaner hands. 

Then foulc faced Vice was in his swadling bands, 105 

Now like Antcus growne a monster is, 

A match for none but mighty Hercules. 

Now can the world practise in playner guise, 

Both shines of old and new borne villanyes. 

Stale sinnes are [stale 5 ] : now doth the world begin no 

To take sole pleasure in a witty sinne. 

Vnpleasant is the lawlesse sinne has bin, 

At midnight rest, when darknesse couers sinne. 

It's Clownish vnbeseeming a young Knight, 

Vnlesse it dare out-face the [glaring 7 ] light. 115 

1 < made,' B. 2 ' furens,' edits. 3 ' my,' MS. 4 ' For,' 

MS., incorrectly. 5 ' stole,' edits. 6 qu. 'as'? 7 ' gloring,' edits. 



.] from P*rna00u0. 81 



Nor can it ['mongst 1 ] our gallants praises reape, 

Vnlesse it be [y]done in staring Cheape 

In a sinne-guilty Coach not cloasely pent, 

logging along the harder pauement. 

Did not feare check my repining sprit, 120 

Soone should my angry ghost a story write, 

In which I would new fostred sinnes combine, 

Not knowne earst by truth telling Aretine. 



SCENA 2. 
Enter 11 INGENIOSO, IUDICIO. 

Ind. What, Ingenioso, carrying a Vinegar bottle about 
thee, like a great schole-boy giuing the world a bloudy nose ? 

Ing. Faith, Indicia, if I carry [a 3 ] vineger bottle, it's 
great reason I should confer it vpon the bald pated world : 
and againe, if my kitchen want the vtensilies of viands, it's 
great reason other men should haue the sauce of vineger, 
and for the bloudy nose, htdicio, I may chance indeed 
giue the world a bloudy nose, but it shall hardly giue me 
a crakt crowne, though it giues other Poets French crownes. 

hid. I would wish thee, Ingenioso, to sheath thy pen, for 
thou canst not be successefull in the fray, considering thy 
enemies haue the aduantage of the ground. 135 

Ing. Or rather, Indicia, they haue the grounds with 
aduantage, and the French crownes with a pox, and I would 
4hey had them with a plague too : but hang them swadds, 
the basest corner in my thoughts is too gallant a roome to 
lodge them in ; but say, Indicia, what newes in your presse, 
did you keepe any late corrections vpon any tardy pam 
phlets ? 142 

hid. Veterem inbes renouare dolor em. Ingenioso, what ere 

1 ' nought,' edits. 2 ' lud.' inserted wrongly in both editions. 3 ' the,' edits. 

G 



82 <11%Z Return* [Act. i. 

[befall 1 ] thee, keepe thee from the trade of the corrector of 
the presse. 145 

Ing. Mary so I will, I warrant thee, if pouerty presse not 
too much, He correct no presse but the presse of the people. 

hid. Would it not grieue any good [spiritt 2 ] to sit a whole 
moneth nitting [over 3 ] a lousie beggarly Pamphlet, and 
like a needy Phisitian to stand whole yeares, tossing 4 and 
tumbling the filth that falleth 5 from so many draughty 
inuentions as daily swarme in our printing house? 152 

Ing. Come (I thinke) we shall haue you put finger in the 
eye and cry, O friends, no friends*, say man, what new 
paper hobby horses, what rattle babies are come out in your 
late May morrice dauncc ? 7 156 

hid. Slymy rimes 8 as thick as flics in the sunne, I thinke 
there be ncucr an [ale]-house in England, not any so 
base a maypole on a country greenc, but sets forth some 
poets pcttcrncls or demilances to the paper warres in Paules 
Church-yard. 161 

Ing. And well too may the issue of a strong hop learne 
to hop all oucr England, when as better wittes sit like 
lame coblcrs in their studies. Such barmy heads wil alwaies 
be working, when as sad vincgcr wittes sit souring at the 
bottome of a barrcll : plainc Meteors, bred of the exhalation 
of Tobacco, and the vapors of a moyst pot, that [soare 10 ] 
vp into the open ayre, when as sounder wit kcepes 11 belowe. 

hid. Considering the furies of the times, I could better 
endure to see those young Can quaffing hucksters shoot of [f] 
their pellets so they would keepe them from these Eng 
lish flores-poetaruni) but now the world is come to that passe, 
that there starts vp euery day an old goose that sits hatching 

1 ' befalls,' edits. 2 ' spirits,' edits. 3 'out, 'edits. 4 ' tooting,' MS. 
5 'which hath fallen,' MS. c ' A parody on "O eyes, no eyes" ; Span. Trag? 
Malone. 7 ' late morrice edition,' MS. 8 ' rimers,' MS. ; ' Flye my 

rimes,' B. 9 ' All,' A. to ' soure,' edits. n ' witts keepe,' MS. 



sc. 2.] from 

vp those eggs which haue ben filcht from the nest[s] of 
Crowes and Kestrells : here is a booke Ing: why to con- 
demne it to [Cloaca*] the vsuall Tiburne of all misliuing 
papers, were too faire a death for so foule an offender. 177 

Ing. What's the name of it, I pray thee hid. ? 

hid. Looke [heere, its cald] Beluedere*.- 

Ing. What a bel-wether in Paules Church-yeard, so cald 
because it keeps a bleating, or because it hath the tinckling 
bel of so many Poets about the neck of it ? what is the rest 
of the title? 

hid. The garden of the Muses. 

Ing. ["What have we here? The Poett garish 185 
Gayly bedeckt like forehorse 3 of the Parish."] 
what followes? 

hid. Quern referent muscz, viuet dum robora tellus, 
Dum cczlum stellas, dum vehit amnis aquas. 

\IngI\ Who blurres fayer paper with foule bastard rimes, 
Shall Hue full many an age in latter 4 times: 191 

Who makes a ballet for an ale-house doore, 
Shall Hue in future times for euer more. 
Then [Bodenham 5 ] thy muse shall live so 6 long, 
As drafty ballats to [the paile 7 ] are song. 195 

But what's his deuise? Parnassus with the sunne and the 
lawrel : I wonder this owle dares looke on the sunne, and 
I maruaile this go[o]se flies not; the laurell? 8 his deuise 
might haue bene better a foole going into the market place 
to be scene, with this motto, scribimus indocti, or a poore 
beggar gleaning of eares in the end of haruest, with this 
word, sua cuique gloria. 202 

hid. Turne ouer the leafe, Ing: and thou shalt see the 

1 ' cleare,' edits. a ' Looke, its here Belvedere,' edits. 3 ' horses, 

edits. The arrangement of the lines is from the MS. * ' after,' MS. 

5 ' "Antony," i.e. Antony Mundy, the eulogist of Belviderc" ; Malone, incor 
rectly, as the MS. shows. 6 ' as,' MS. 7 ' thy praise,' edits. 
8 The punctuation is from the MS. 

G 2 



84 ^t)t lEUturtu [Act i. 

paynes of this worthy gentleman, Sentences gathered out of 
all kind of Poetts, referred to certaine methodicall heads, 
profitable for the vse of these times 1 , to rime vpon any 
occasion at a little warning : Read the names. 207 

Ing. So I will, if thou wilt helpe me to censure them. 



Edmund Spencer. 
Henry Constable. 
Thomas Lodge. 
Samuel Daniel I. 



Michaell Drayton. 
lohn Danis. 
lohn Mars ton. 
Kit: Marlowe. 



Thomas Watson. 

Good men and true, stand togither : heare your censure, 
what's thy Judgement of Spencer? 215 

Ind. A sweeter 2 Swan then euer song in Poe, 
A shriller Nightingale then euer blest 
The prouder groues of sclfe admiring Rome. 
Blith was each vally, and each sheapeard proud, 
While he did chaunt his rurall minstralsie. 220 

Attcntiue was full many a dainty care. 
Nay, hearers hong vpon his melting tong, 
While sweetly of his Faiery Ouccnc he song, 
While to the waters fall he tun'd [her 3 ] fame, 
And in each barke engrau'd 4 Elizaes name. 225 

And yet for all this, vnregarding soile 
Vnlac't the line of his desired life, 
Denying mayntcnancc for his deare releife. 
Carelcsse [ere 5 ] to preucnt his exequy, 
Scarce deigning to shut vp his dying eye. 230 

Ing. Pity it is that gentler witts should breed, 
Where thick skin chuffes laugh at a schollers need. 
But softly may our [Homer's G ] ashes rest, 
That lie by mery Chanccrs noble chest. 

But I pray thee proceed breefly in thy censure, that I 

1 ' this time,' MS. 2 'swifter,' B. 3 'for,' edits. * ' endorc't,' MS. 
5 ' care,' edits. 6 ' honours,' edits. 



sc. 2.] from pernaggu& 85 

may be proud of my selfe, [if] as in the first, so in the 
last, my censure may 1 iumpe with thine. Henry Constable, 
Samuel Daniell 2 ) Thomas Lodg, Thomas Watson. 

lud. Sweete Constable doth take the [wandring 3 ] eare, 
And layes it vp in willing prisonment : 240 

Sweete hony dropping Daniell 4 doth 5 wage 
Warre with the proudest big Italian, 
That melts his heart in sugred sonneting. 
Onely let him more sparingly make vse 
Of others wit, and vse his owne the more : 245 

That well may scorne base imitation. 
For Lodge and Watson, men of some desert, 
Yet subiect to a Critticks marginall. 
Lodge for his oare in euery paper boate, 
He that turnes ouer Galen euery day, 250 

To sit and simper Euphues legacy. 

Ing. Michael Drayton. 

[hid. 6 ] Dray tons sweete muse is like 7 a sanguine dy, 
Able to rauish the rash gazers eye. 254 

How 8 euer he wants one true note of a Poet of our 
times, and that is this, hee cannot swagger it well in a 
Tauerne, nor dominere in a hot house. 

[Ing. 9 ] lohn Dauis. 

\IudI\ Acute lohn Dauis, I affect thy rymes, 
That ierck 10 in hidden charmes these looser times : 260 
Thy plainer verse, thy vnafifected vaine, 
Is grac'd with a faire [end and sooping traine 11 .] 

Ing. Locke and Hudson. 

1 ' may' omitted in the MS., where the names that follow are given as the 
beginning of Judicio's speech. 2 <S.D.,' B. 3 ^wondring,' edits. 

4 <D.,' B. 5 'may,' MS. 6 Correctly inserted in MS. 7 'of,' MS. 

8 Incorrectly in the edits, assigned to Ingenioso. 9 ' lud.' edits. 

10 ' jerckt,' MS. n ' Is grac't with a faire and a sooping trayne,' edits. ; 

* Martiall and he may sitt upon one bench, Either wrote well, and either lov'd 
his wench,' added in MS. 



86 C^e l&eturne [Act i. 

lud. Locke and Hiidson, sleepe you quiet shauers, among 
the shauings of the presse, and let your bookes lye in some 
old nookes amongst old bootes and shooes, so you may 
auoide T my censure. 

Ing. Why then clap a lock on their feete, and turne them 
to commons. 

lohn Mars ton. 270 

lud. What Monster Kynsadcr, lifting vp your legge and 
pissing against the world, put vp man, put vp for shame. 
2 Me thinks he is a Ruffian in his stile, 
Withoutcn bands or garters ornament, 
He quaffes a cup of Frcnchmans Helicon. 275 

Then royster doyster in his oylie tcarmes, 
Cutts, thrusts, and foincs at whomesoeuer he meets, 
And strewes about Ram-ally meditations. 
Tut, what cares he for modest close coucht termcs, 
Cleanly to gird our looser libertines. 280 

Giue him plainc naked words stript from their shirts 
That might bcsccme plainc dealing Arctinc : 
I, there is one :i that backcs a paper steed 
And managcth a pen-knife gallantly. 
Strikes his poinado at a buttons breadth, 285 

Brings the great battering ram of tcarmes to towns 
And at first volly of his Cannon shot, 
Batters the wallcs of the old fustic world. 

Ing. Christopher Marlowe. 

lud. Marlowe was happy in his buskind 4 muse, 290 
Alas vnhappy in his life and end. 
Pitty it is that wit so ill should dwell, 
Wit lent from heauen, but vices sent from hell, 

1 ' may happ to avoyd,' MS. a Assigned to ' Ingen.' in the MS. 

'This is a description of Marlowe' ; Malone. But ^7/czvr . ? The lines beginning 
here are assigned in the MS. to Judicio, and appear to express his opinion of 
Marston, as in sequence to Ingenioso's. * 'buskine,' B. 



sc. 2.] from $erna00u0+ 87 

Ing. Our Theater hath lost, Pluto hath got, 
A Tragick penman for a driery plot. 295 

Beniamin lohnson 1 . 

lud. The wittiest fellow of a Bricklayer in England. 

Ing: A meere Empyrick, one that getts what he hath 
by obseruation, and makes onely nature priuy to what he 
indites, so slow an Inuentor that he were better betake 
himselfe to his old trade of Bricklaying, a bould whorson, 
as confident now in making a 2 booke, as he was in times 
past in laying of a brick. 303 

William Shakespeare 3 . 

hid. Who loues [not Adons loue, or Lucrece rape? 4 ] 
His sweeter verse contaynes hart [throbbing line 5 ], 
Could but a grauer subiect him content, 
Without loues foolish lazy 6 languishment. 

Ing. Churchyard. 

Hath not Shors wife, although a light skirts she, 310 
Giuen him a chast long lasting memory ? 

lud. No, all light pamphlets [one day 7 ] finden shall, 
A Churchyard and a graue to bury all, 

Inge. Thomas [Nash 8 ]. 

I, heare is a fellow, ludido^ that carryed the deadly stock- 
[ado] in his pen, whose muse was armed with a gagtooth 
and his pen possest with Hercules furies 9 . 

lud. Let all his faultes sleepe with his mournfull chest, 
And [there 10 ] for euer with his ashes rest. 
His style was wittie, though [it n ] had some gal[l], 320 
Something[s] he might haue mended, so may all. 
Yet this I say, that for a mother witt, 
Few men haue euer scene the like of it. 

1 B.I.,' B. 2 < of a,' MS. 3 Mis-spelt ' Shatespeare ' in A. 

4 ' Who loves Adonis love or Lucre's rape,' edits. 5 ' robbing life,' edits. 

6 ' lazy ' omitted in B. 7 once I,' edits. 8 ' Nashdo,' edits. 

9 ' the spiritte of Hercules furens,' MS. 10 ' then,' u ' he,' edits. 



88 <n$z l&etunxe 



Ing. Reades the rest. 324 

I ud. As for these, they haue some of them beene the 
old hedgstakes of the presse, and some of them are at 
this instant the botts and glanders of the printing house. 
Fellowes that stande only vpon tearmes to serue the 
tearme 1 , with their blotted papers, write as men go to stoole, 
for needes, and when they write, they write as a [boare 2 ] 
pisses, now and then drop a pamphlet. 331 

Ing. Durum teliim nccessitas, Good fayth they do as 
I do, exchange words for mony. I haue some traffique this 
clay with Dantcr, about a little booke 3 which I haue made, 
the name of it is a Catalogue of Cambrige Cuckolds, but 
4 this Bcluedcrc, this methodicall asse, hath made me almost 
forget my time : He now to Paulcs Churchyard ; meete 
me an hourc hence, at the signc of the Pegasus in Cheap- 
side, and lie moyst thy temples with a cuppc of Claret, 
as hard as the world goes. Ex. IUDICIO. 340 



AC-JUS ]. SCENA 3. 
Enter DANTER the Printer. 

Ing. Dantcr thou art dcceiucd, wit is dearer then tliou 
takcst it to bee. I tell thcc this libel of Cambridge has 
much [salt r> ] and pepper in the nose : it will sell sheerely 
vnderhand, when all these bookcs of exhortations and 
Catechismes, lie moulding on thy shopboard. 345 

Dan. It's true, but good fayth M. Ingcnioso, I lost by 
your last booke ; and you knowe there is many a one that 
payes me largely for the printing of their inuentions, but 
for all this you shall haue 40 shillings and an odde pottle 
of wine. 350 

lc tume,'B. 2 ' beare,' edits. 3 'a libell,' MS. 4 The rest 

of this speech is assigned in the MS to Judicio. 5 'fat,' edits. 

6 ' when as,' MS. 



sc.4-] from perna#0tt& 89 



Inge. 40 Shillings ? a fit reward for one of your reuma- 
tick poets, that beslauers all the paper he comes by, and 
furnishes the Chaundlers with wast papers to wrap candles 
in : but as for me, He be paid deare euen for the dreggs 
of my wit : little knowes the world what belong[s] to the 
keeping of a good wit in waters, dietts, drinckes, Tobacco, 
&c. it is a dainty and costly creature, and therefore I must 
be payd sweetly: furnish mee with mony, that I may 
put my selfe in a new sute of clothes, and He sute thy 
shop with a new suite of tearmes : it's the gallantest Child 
my inuention was euer deliuered off. The title is, a 
Chronicle of Cambrige Cuckolds : here a man may see, 
what day of the moneth such a mans commons were in 
closed, and when throwne open, and when any entayled 
some odde crownes vpon the heires of their bodies vnlaw- 
fully begotten : speake quickly, ells I am gone. 366 

Dan. Oh this will sell gallantly: He haue it whatsoeuer 
it cost, will you walk on, M. Ingenioso, weele sit ouer a cup 
of wine and agree on it. 

Ing. A cup of wine is as good a Constable as can be, to 
take vp the quarrell betwixt vs. \Exeunt. 

ACTUS 1. SCENA 4. 

PHILOMUSUS in a Phisitions habile : STUDIOSO that is IAQUES 
man \ And patient. 

Phil. Tit tit tit, non poynte, non debet fieri phlebetomotio* 

in coitu lnn<z : here is a Recipe. 

Pat. A Recipe. 374 

Phil. Nos \Gallici^\ non curamus quantitatem sylla- 

barum: Let me heare how many stooles you doe make. 

Adeiu mounseir, adeiu good mounseir, what 4 laques, Una 

personne apres icy ? 

1 ' Studioso like his man,' MS. 2 ' phlebotomatio,' MS. 8 ' Gallia,' 

edits. * 'what how,' MS. 



90 ^i&e l&etucite [Acti. 

Stud. Non. 

Phil. Then let vs steale time [from 1 ] this borrowed 
shape, 380 

Recounting our vnequall haps of late. 
Late did the Ocean graspe vs in his armes, 
Late did we Hue within a stranger ayre : 
Late did we see the cinders of great Rome. 
We thought that English fugitiues there eate 385 

Gold, for restoratiue, if gold were meate, 
Yet now we find by bought experience, 
That where so ere we wander vp and downe, 
On the rounde shoulders of this massy world, 
Or our ill fortunes, or the worlds ill eye, 390 

Forspeake our good, procures our misery. 

Stud. So oft the Northe[r]n winde with frozen wings, 
Hath beate the flowers that in our 2 garden grewe : 
Throwne downc the stalkes of our aspiring youth, 
So oft hath winter nipt our trees fairc rinde, 395 

That now we secme nought but two bared boughes, 
Scorned by the basest bird that chirps in groaue. 
Nor Rome, nor Rhemes, that wonted are to giue 
A Cardinall['s] cap, to discontented clarkes, 
That hauc forsookc the[ir] home-bred [thatched 3 ] roofcs, 
Yeelded vs any cquall maintenance : 401 

And it's as good to starue mongst English swine, 
As in a forraine land to beg and pine : 

Phil*. He scorne the world that scorneth me againe. 
Stud. He vex the world that workes me so much paine. 

Phil. [Thy lame reuenging power 5 ,] the world well 
weenes. 406 

1 'for/ edits. 2 ' one,' A. 3 ' thanked/ edits. 4 This line 

is given in the MS. to Studioso, and the names are consequently changed in all 
the following lines, and apparently, from the subsequent reference to the 
' capping of rimes,' correctly. 5 ' Fly lame revenging's power/ edits. 



sc. 4 .] from $erna#0u& 91 

Stud. Flyes haue their spleene, each sylly ant his 
teenes. 

Phil. We haue the words, they the possession haue. 

Stud. We all are equall in our latest graue. 409 

Phil. Soon then : O soone may we both graued be. 

Stud. Who wishes death, doth wrong wise destinie. 

Phil. It's wrong to force life loathing men to breath. 

Stud. It's sinne for[e] doomed day to wish thy death. 

Phil. Too late our soules flit to their resting place. 

Stud. Why mans whole life is but a breathing space. 

Phil. A painefull minute seemes a tedious yeare. 

Stud. A constant minde eternall woes will beare. 

Phil. When shall our soules their wearied lodge forgoe ? 

Stud. When we haue tyred misery and woe. 

Phil. Soone [then may fates this gayle deliuery 1 ] 

send vs. 420 

2 Small woes vex long, great woes [will] quickly end vs. 

But letts leaue this capping of rimes, Studioso, and follow 
our late deuise, that wee may maintaine our heads in 
cappes, our bellyes in prouender, and our [hacks 3 ] in sadle 
and bridle : hetherto wee haue sought all the honest meanes 
wee could to liue, and now let vs dare 4 , aliquid brcitibus 
\_giar is^ et\ career e dignum\ let vs run through all the lewd 
formes of lime-twig purloyning villanyes : let vs proue 
Cony-catchers, Baudes, or any thing, so we may rub out ; 
and first my plot for playing the French Doctor, that shall 
hold : our lodging stand[s] here [fitly 6 ] in shooe lane, for if 
our commings in be not the better. London may shortely 

1 ' may then fates this gale deliuer, edits. Malone rightly conjectured what 
the reading should be. 2 Assigned to ' Phil.' in MS. 3 ' backs,' edits. 

4 ' letts audere? MS. 5 ' gracis, and,' edits. The correct reading was 

conjectured by Malone. 6 'filthy,' edits. Malone again conjectured 

rightly what the reading should be. 



92 (flfyt l&etutiu [Act i. 

throw an old shooe after vs, and with those shredds of 
French, that we gathered vp in our hostes house in Paris, 
wee'l gull the world, that hath in estimation forraine 
Phisitians, and if any of the hidebound bretheren of 
Cambridge and Oxforde, or any of those Stigmatick 
maisters of arte, that abused vs in times past, leaue their 
owne Phisitians, and become our patients, wee'l alter quite 
the stile of them, for they shall neuer hereafter write, your 
Lordships most bounden : but your Lordships most 
laxatiue. 442 

Stud. It shalbe so, see [how 1 ] a little vermine pouerty 
altereth a whole milkie disposition. 

Phil. So then my selfe streight with reuenge He [sate 2 ] 
Stud. Prouoked patience growes intemperate. 



slCTUS 1. SCENA 5. 

Enter RICHARDETTO, IAQUES Scholler learning French, 
laq. How now my little knatie, quclle noucllc mounscir. 

RicJiard. Thcr's a fellow with a night cap on his head, 
an vrinal in his hand, would faine speake with master 
TJicodorc. 450 

laq. Parlc Francoycs moun petit garsoun. 

[ :] RicJiard. II y a un home avcc Ic bonnet de la 

testc ct un urincll en la main qui vcult purler Theodore. 

laq. For bicn. 

Thcod. laqucs alonns. Exeunt] 



1 ' what,' edits. 2 ' seate,' edits. Correctly altered by Malone. 

8 ' Richard. Hy a vn homme aue Ic bonnet de et vn vrinell in la mem, 

que veut parter. 

laq. For bien. (' Foe bcicii] A.) La tcste. 

Theod. laques, a bonus. Exeunt THEODORE,' edits. 



sc.6.] from Prna#0u. 93 

ACTUS 1. SCENA 6. 

FUROR POETICUS : and presently after enters PHANTASMA. 
FUROR POETICUS rapt within contemplation. 

Fur. Why how now Pedant Phoebus, are you smoutching 
Thalia on her tender lips ? There hole : pesant avant : 
come Pretty short-nosd nimph ; oh sweet Thalia, I do 
kisse thy foote. What Cleio^ O sweet Cleio, nay pray 
thee do not weepe Melpomene. What Vrania, Polimnia, 
and Calliope, let me doe reuerence to your deities. 461 

PHANTASMA puls him by the sleeue. 

Fur. 1 I am your holy swayne, that night and day, 
Sit for your sakes rubbing my wrinkled browe, 
Studying a moneth for on[e] [fitt] Epithete. 
Nay siluer Cinthia, do not trouble me : 465 

Straight will I thy Endimions storye write, 
To which thou hastest me on [both] day and night. 
You light 2 skirt starres, this is your wonted. guise, 
By glomy light perke out your doutfull heads : 
But when Don Phoebris showes his flashing snout, 470 
You are sky puppies, streight your light is out. 

Phan. So ho, Fnror. 
Nay preethee good Furor in sober sadnes. 

Furor. Odi profanum mdgus et arceo. 

Phant. Nay sweet Furor, ipsce te Tytire pimts, 475 
Ip si te fontes, ipsa hcec arbusta vocarunt. 

F^lror^. Who's that runs headlong on my quills sharpe 

point, 

That wearyed of his life and baser breath, 
Offers himselfe to an lambicke verse. 4 

1 In the MS. the three first lines are given (apparently more correctly) to 
Phant., and Furors speech recommences at ' Nay. 5 2 ' like,' MS. 

3 Wrongly placed on the preceding line in the editions. 4 ' death,' sug 

gested by Malone ; but the MS. has ' verse.' 



94 ^H l&eturne [Actn. 

Phant. Si quoties peccant homines, sua fulmina mittat 
hipiter, exiguo tempore inermis erit. 481 

Fur. What slimie bold presumtious groome is he, 
Dares with his rude audacious hardye chatt, 
Thus seuer me from [skybredd x ] contemplation ? 

Phant. Carmina vel cczlo possunt dediicere lunam. 485 
Furor. Oh PJiantasma : what my indiuiduall mate ? 
\Phan '/.] O mi hi post nullos Furor memorande sod ales. 

Furor. Say whence comest thou? sent from what 

deytye ? 
From great Apollo or sly Mercury"? 

PJian. I come from [that 2 ] litle Mercury, Ingenioso. For, 
Ingenio pallet ad vim natura ncgauit. 491 

Furor. Ingenioso? 

He is a pretty inucnter of slight prose 3 : 
But there's no spirit in his groaueling spcach. 
Hang him whose verse cannot out-belch the wind : 495 
That cannot beard and braue Don Eolus, 
That when the cloud of his inuention brcakes, 
Cannot out-crackc the scarr-crow thunderbolt. 

Phan. Hang him I say 4 , Pcndo pcpcndi, tcndo tetendi, 

pcdo pepedi. Will it please you maistcr Furor to walke 

with me ? I promised to bring you to a drinking 5 in 

Cheapsidc, at the signe of the nagges head, For, 502 

Tcmporc Icnta pati frcena docentur cqui. 

Furor. Passe the[e] before, He come incontinent. 

Phan. Nay faith maister Furor ^ letts go togither, 
Qnoniam Conuenimus ambo. 506 

Furor. [Let us G ] march on vnto the house of fame : 

1 ' skibbered,' edits. 2 'the,' edits. 3 ' slight inventor of base 

prose,' MS. 4 These four words are the end of Furor s speech in the MS. 

5 ' drinking Inne,' edits. 6 ' Lett's,' edits. 



sc. 3 .] from Ptma00u&. 95 

There quaffing bowles of Bacchus bloud ful nimbly, 
Endite a Tiptoe, strouting poesy. 

They offer the way one to the other. 

Phan. Qito me Bacche rapis tui plenum, 510 

[Furor.] Tu maior : tibi me est cequum parere Menalca. 



ACT. SECUNDUS. SCENA 3 1 . 

Enter PHILOM. THEOD. his patient the Burgesse, and his man 
with his staffe 2 . 

THEOD. puts on his spectacles. 

Mounseiur here are atomi Natantes, which doe make shew 
your worship to be as leacherous as a bull. 

Burg. Truely maister Doctor we are all men, [all men]. 

Theod. This vater is intention 3 of heate, are you not 
perturbed with an ake in [your vace] 4 or in your occiput. 
I meane your head peece, let me feele the pulse of your 
little finger. 518 

Btirg. He assure you [sir] M. Theodour, the pulse of 
my head beates exceedingly, and I thinke I haue disturbed 
my selfe by studying the penall statutes. 

Theod. Tit, tit, your worship takes cares of 5 your 
speeches. O, cource leucs loquuntur, ingentes G stoupent, it is 
an Aphorisme in Galen. 

Burg. And what is the exposition of that? 525 

Theod. That your worship must take a gland, vt emit- 
tatur sanguis: the signe is for[t] execellent, for excellent. 

Burg. Good maister Doctor vse mee gently, for marke 
you Sir, there is a double consideration to be had of me : 
first as I am a publike magistrate, secondly as I am a 
priuate butcher: and but for the worshipfull credit of the 

1 Sic. * ' state,' A. 3 ' intation,' MS. * ' you race,' edits. 

5 ' for,' MS. 6 'ingantes,' MS., apparently continuing to represent the 

foreign pronunciation. 



96 <&$* l&eturtu [Act ii. 

place, and office wherein I now stand and Hue, I would not 
[so] hazard my worshipfull apparell, with a suppositor or a 
glister : but for the countenancing of the place, I must go 
oftener to stoole, for as a great gentleman told me of good 
experience ] that it was the chiefe note of a magistrate, not 
to go to the stoole without a phisition. 537 

TJieo. 2 A, vous ettes vn gentell home vraiment, what ho 
I agues, laques, dou e vous ? vn fort gentel purgation for 
monster Burgesse. 

Jaq. Vostre tres humble seruiture a vostre commande- 
ment. 

TJicod. Donne vons vn gentell purge a Monsier Burgesse. 
I haue considered of the crasis, and syntorna of your 
disease, and here is vn fort gentell purgation per euacua- 
tioncm excrcmcntorum, as we Phisitions vse to parlee. 546 

Burg. I hope maister Doctor you haue a care of the 
countrycs officer. I tell you I durst not haue trusted my 
selfe with cuery phisition, and yet I am not afraide for my 
selfe, but I would not depriue the towne of so carefull a 
magistrate. 551 

TJicod. O monsier, I haue a singular care of your 
valetudo, it is requisite that the French Phisitions be 
learned and carefull, your English veluet cap is malignant 
and enuious. 555 

Burg. Here is maister Doctor foure pence your due, 
and eight pence my bounty, you shall heare from me 
good maister Doctor, farewell farewell, good maister 
Doctor. 559 

TJicod. Adieu, good Mounsier, adieu good Sir mounsier. 
Then burst with teares 3 vnhappy graduate : 
Thy fortunes [wayward still 4 ] and backward bin : 
Nor canst thou thriue by vertue, nor by sinne. 

1 ' a gentleman of good experience told me,' MS. 2 This line is given in 

the MS. ' donnee vous un gentill purge a mounsieur Burgesse.' 3 ' teene,' MS. 
4 ' still wayward/ edits. 



sc. i.j from pernag?0u& 97 

Stud. O how it greeues my vexed soule to see, 
Each painted asse in chayre of dignitye : 565 

vAnd yet we grouell on the ground alone, 
Running through euery trade, yet 1 thriue by none. 
More we must act in this Hues Tragedy. 

Phi. Sad is the plott, sad the Catastrophe. 

Stud. Sighs are the Chorus in our Tragedy. 570 

Phi. And rented thoughts continuall actors be. 

Stud. Woe is the subiect : Phil, earth the loathed stage, 
Whereon we act this fained personage. 
Mossy 2 barbarians the spectators be, 
That sit and laugh at our calamity. 575 

Phil. Band be those houres when mongst the learned 

throng, 
By Grantaes muddy bancke we whilome song, 

Stud. Band be that hill which learned witts adore, 
Where earst we spent our stock and little store. 

Phil. Band be those musty mewes, where we haue 
spent 580 

Our youthfull dayes in paled langu[i]shment. 

Stud. Band be those cosening arts that wrought our 

woe, 
Making vs wandring Pilgrimes too and fro. 

Phil. And Pilgrimes must we be without reliefe, 
And wheresoeuer we run there meets vs greefe. 5 8 5 

Stud. Where euer we tosse vpon this crabbed 3 stage 
Griefe's our companion, patience be our page. 

Phil. Ah but this patience is a page of ruth, 
A tyred Lacky to our wandering youth. 5 8 9 

1 ' but,' MS. 2 In the margin is printed in italics ' most like,' 

as apparently a ' various reading,' but the MS. has ' mossy.' 
3 < troubled, 1 MS. 

H 



98 llje l&nurne [Actn. 

ACTUS 2. SCENA 2. 

ACADEMICO SOlus. 

Acad. Faine would I haue a liuing, if I could tel how 
to come by it. Eccho. Buy it. 591 

Acad. Buy it fond Ecc[ho] ? why thou dost greatly 
mistake it. Ecc. stake it. 

Stake it ? what should I stake at this game of simony? 

Ecc. mony. 595 

What is the world a game, are liuings gotten by playing ? 

Eccho. Paying. 

Paying? but say what's the nearest way to come by 
a liuing ? 

Eccho. Giuing. 1 600 

Must his worships fists bee needs then oyled with Angells ? 

Eccho. Angels. 

Ought his gowty fists then first with gold to be greased ? 

EccJio. Eased. 

And it is then such an ease for his asses backe to carry 
mony? 606 

Eccho. I. 

Will then this golden asse bestowe a vicarige guilded ? 

EccJio. Gelded. 

What shall I say to good sir Roderick, that haue [no 2 ] 
gold here? 6n 

EccJio. Cold cheare. 

He make it my lone request, that he wold be good 
to a scholler. 

Eccho. Choller. 615 

Yea, will hee be cholerike, to heare of an art or a science ? 
Eccho. hence. 

1 The MS. omits the rest of this scene, adding here &c. &c. &c.' 

2 Correctly inserted in B. 



sc. 3 .] from $rna00u& 99 

Hence with liberal arts, what then wil he do with his 
chancel ? 

Eccho. sell. 620 

Sell it ? and must a simple clarke be fayne to compound 
then ? 

Eccho. pounds then. 

What if I haue no pounds, must then my sute be 
proroagued ? 625 

Eccho. Roagued. 

Yea? giuen to a Roague? shall an asse this vicaridge 
compasse ? 

Eccho. Asse. 

What is the reason that I should not be as fortunate 
as he? 631 

Eccho. Asse he. 

Yet for al this, with a penilesse purse wil I trudg to 
his worship. 

Eccho. words cheape. 635 

Wei, if he giue me good words, it's more then I haue 
from an Eccho. 
Eccho. goe. 

ACTUS 2. SCENA 3. 
AMORETTO with an Quid in his hand. IMMERITO. 

Amor. Take it on the word of a gentleman thou cannot 
haue it a penny vnder, thinke ont, thinke ont, while I 
meditate on my fayre mistres. 641 

Nunc sequor imperium magne Cupido tuum. 
What ere become of this dull 1 thredbare clearke, 
I must be costly in my mistresse's eye : 
Ladyes regard not ragged company. 645 

I will with the reuenewes of my chafred church, 

1 'bare,' MS. 
H 2 



ioo <3Tt)e l&eturne [ ActIL 

First buy an ambling hobby for my fayre : 

Whose measured pace may teach the world to dance, 

Proud of his burden when he gins to praunce : 

Then must I buy a iewell for her eare, 650 

A Kirtle of some hundred crownes or more : 

With these fayre giftes when I accompanied goe, 

Sheele giue loues breakfast: Sidny tearmes it so. 

I am her needle, she is my Adamant : 

[Shee's a 1 ] fayre Rose, I her vnworthy pricke. 655 

Acad. Is there no body heere will take the paines to 
geld his mouth? 

Amor. Sh[e]'s Cleopatra, I Marke Anthony, 

Acad. No thou art a meere marke for good witts 2 to 
shootc at : and in that suite thou wilt make a fine man 
to dashc poorc [clownes :>> ] out of countenance. 66 1 

Amor. She is my Moone, I her Endimion, 

Acad. No she is thy shoulder of mutton, thou her 

onyon : or she may be thy Luna [well], and thou her 

Lunaticke. 665 

Amor. I her sEncas, she my Dido is. 

Acad. She is thy Io, 4 thou her brazen assc, 
Or she Dame Phantasy and thou her gull : 
She thy PasipJiac, and thou her louing bull. 



AC'IUS 2. SCEN4 4. 
Enter IMMERITO, #</ STERCUTIO his father. 

Ster. Sonne, is this the gentleman that sells vs the 
liuing? 671 

Im. Fy father, thou must not call it selling, thou must 
say is this the gentleman that must haue the gratuito? 

1 'She is my,' edits. 2 'judgments,' MS. 3 ' crowes,' edits. 

4 ' heyho,' MS. 



sc. 4 .] from perna00u& 101 

A cad. What haue we heere, old trupenny come to 
towne, to fetch away the liuing in his old greasy slops ? 
then He none : the time hath beene when such a fellowe 
medled with nothing but his plowshare, his spade, and 
his hobnayles, and so to a peece of bread and cheese, 
and went his way : but now these [scurvy] fellowes are 
growne the onely factors for preferment. 680 

Ster. O is this the grating gentleman, and howe many 
pounds must I pay ? 

Im. O thou must not call them pounds, but thanks, 
and harke thou father, thou must tell of nothing that is 
done: for I must seeme to come cleere 1 to it. 685 

Acad. Not pounds but thanks : see whether this simple 
fellow that hath nothing of a scholler, but that the 
draper hath blackt him ouer, hath not gotten the stile 
of the time. 689 

Ster. By my fayth, sonne, looke for no more portion. 

Im. Well father, I will not, vppon this condition,, that 
when thou haue gotten me the gratuito of the liuing, thou 
wilt likewise disburse a little mony to the bishops poser, for 
there are certaine questions I make scruple to be posed in. 

Acad. He meanes any question in Latin, which he 
counts a scruple ; oh this honest man could neuer abide 
this popish tounge of Latine, oh he is as true an English 
man as Hues. 

Ster. He take the gentleman now, he is in a good vayne, 
for he smiles. 700 

Amor. Sweete Quid, I do honour euery page. 

Acad. Good Quid that in his life time, liued with 2 the 
Getes, and now after his death conuerseth with a Bar 
barian. 

1 'cleerely,' MS., which has 'you' for 'thou ' in Immerito's speeches. 
2 ' among,' MS. 



102 <3Ef)e l&eturne [Actn. 

Ster. God bee at your worke Sir : my Sonne told me 
you were the grating gentleman, I am Stercutio his 
father Sir, simple as I stand here. 707 

\Amor y\ Fellow, I had rather giuen thee an hundred 
pounds, then thou should[st] haue put me out of my 
excellent meditation[;] by the faith of a gentleman I 
was [even] rapt in contemplation. 711 

Im. Sir you must pardon my father, he wants bring 
ing vp. 

Acad. Marry it seemes he hath good bringing vp, when 
he brings vp so much mony. 715 

Ster. Indeed Sir, you must pardon me, I did not 
knowe you were a gentleman of the Temple before. 

Amor. Well I am content in a generous disposition to 
beare with country education, but fellow whats thy name ? 

Stcr. My name Sir, Stercutio Sir. 720 

Amor. Why then Stercutio, I would be very willing to 
be the instrument to my father, that this liuing might be 
conferred vpon your sonnc : mary I would hauc you know, 
that I haue bene importuned by two or three seueral 
Lordcs, my Kinde cozins, in the behalfe of some Cambridge 
man 2 : and haue almost engaged my word. Mary if I 
shall see your disposition to be more thankfull then other 
men, I shalbe very ready to respect kind natur'd men : 
for as the Italian prouerbe speaketh wel, Chi ha haura? 

Acad. Why here is a gallant young drouer of liuings. 

Stcr. I beseech you sir speake English, for that is 

naturall to me & to my sonne, and all our kindred, to 
vnderstand but one language. 

Amor. Why [then] thus in plaine english : I must be 

respected with thanks. 735 

1 'Acad.' edits., but evidently a misprint. 2 ' schollers,' MS. 3 The 

last three words omitted in the MS. 



sc. 5 .] from perna#0u& 103 

Acad. This is SL subtle tractiue 1 , when thanks may be 
felt and scene. 

Ster. And I pray you Sir, what is the lowest thanks 
that you will take? 

Acad. The verye same Method that he vseth at the 
buying 2 of an oxe. 741 

Amor. I must haue some odd sprinckling of an hundred 
pounds [or 3 ] so, so I shall thinke you thankfull, and com 
mend your sonne as a man of good giftes to my father. 

Acad. A sweete world, giue an hundred poundes, and 
this is but counted thankfullnesse. 746 

Ster. Harke thou Sir, you shall haue 80. thankes. 

Amor. I tell thee fellow, I neuer opened my mouth 
in this kind so cheape before in my life. I tel thee, 
few young gentlemen are found, that would deale so 
kindely with thee as I doe. 751 

Ster. Well Sir, because I knowe my sonne to be a 
[good] toward thing, and one that hath taken all his learn 
ing 4 on his owne head, without sending to the vniuer- 
sitye, I am content to giue you as many thankes as you 
aske, so you will promise me to bring it to passe. 756 

Amor. I warrant you for that : if I say it once, repayre 
you to the place, and stay there, for my father, he is 
walked abroad [into the parke] to take the benefit of 
the ayre. He meete him as he returnes, and make way 
for your suite. \Exeunt STER. IM. 

ACT. 2. SCEN. 5. 
Enter AcADEMico, AMORETTO. 

Amor. Gallant, I faith. 7 62 

Acad. I see we schollers fish for a liuing in these 

shallow foardes without a siluer hoock. Why, wold it 

1 ' tactive,' MS. 2 ' in buying,' MS. 3f if,' edits. * 'taken all he hath,' MS. 



104 ^fje l&eturne 



not gal a man to see a spruse gartered youth, of our 
Colledge a while ago, be a broker for a liuing, & an 
old Baude for a benefice? This sweet Sir profered me 
much kindenesse when hee was of our Colledge, and now 
He try what winde remaynes in [t]his bladder. God 
saue you Sir. 770 

Amor. By the masse I feare me I [have scene 1 ] ttyis 
Genus & Species in Cambridge before now : He take no 
notice of him now : by the faith of a gentleman this is 
[a] pretty Ellegy 2 . Of what age is the day fellow? 
Syrrha boy, hath the groome saddled my hunting hobby ? 
can Robin hunter tel where a hare sits. 776 

Acad. [Sir 3 ] a poorc old friend of yours, [sir] of S. 
[John's] Colledge in Cambridge. 

Am. Good fayth Sir you must pardon me. I haue 
forgotten you. 780 

Acad. My name is Acadcmico Sir, one that made an 
oration for you once on the Queenes day, and a show that 
you got some credit by. 

Amor. It may be so, it may bee so, but I hauc for 
gotten it : marry yet I remember there was such a fellow 
that I was very bencficiall vnto in my time. But how- 
soeuer Sir, I hauc the curtcsic of the townc for you. I 
am sory you did not take me at my fathers house : 
but now I am in exceding great hast, for I haue vowed 
the death of a hare that wee found this morning musing 
on her mcaze. 791 

Acad. Sir I am imboldned, by that great acquaint 
ance that heretofore I had with you, as likewise it hath 
pleased you heretofore 

Amor. Looke syrrha, if you see my Hobby come 
hetherward as yet. 4 796 

1 ' saw,' edits. 2 ' prety pretye elegie,' MS. 3 ' See,' edits. 

4 The last three words omitted in the MS. 



sc. 5 .] from perttaggug. 105 

Acad. To make me some promises, I am to request 
your good mediation 1 to the Worshipfull your father, in 
my behalfe : and I will dedicate to your selfe in the way 
of thankes, . those dayes I haue to Hue. 800 

Amor. O good sir, if I had knowne your minde before, 
for my father hath already giuen the induction to a 
Chaplaine of his owne, to a proper man, I know not of 
what Vniuersitie he is. 

Acad. Signior Immerito, they say, hath bidden fayrest 
for it. 806 

Amor. I know not his name, but hee is a graue 
discreet man I warrant him, indeede hee wants vtterance 
in some measure. 

Acad. Nay, me thinkes he hath very good vtterance, 
for his grauitie, for hee came hether very graue, but I 
thinke he will returne light enough, when he is ridde of 
the heauy element he carries about him. 813 

Amor. Faith Sir, you must pardon mee, it is my 
ordinarie custome to be too studious, my Mistresse hath 
tolde me of it often, and I finde it to hurt my ordinary 
discourse : but say sweete Sir, do yee affect the most 
gentle-man-like game of hunting. 818 

Acad. How say you to the crafty gull, hee would 
faine get mee abroad to make sport with mee in their 
Hunters termes, which we schollers are not acquainted 
with : sir I haue loued this kinde of sporte [well], but 
now I begin to hate it, for it hath beene my luck 
alwayes to beat the bush, while another kild the Hare. 

Amor. Hunters luck, Hunters luck Sir, but there was 
a fault in your Hounds that did [not] spend well. 826 

Acad. Sir, I haue had worse luck alwayes at hunting 
[of] the Fox. 

1 'meditation,' B. 



l&etttrne [Actn. 

Am\pr\ What sir, do you meane at the vnkennelling, 
vntapezing \ or earthing of the Fox ? 830 

Acad. I meane earthing, if you terme it so, for I 
neuer found yellow earth enough to couer the old Fox 
your father [in]. 

Amor. Good faith sir, there is an excellent skill in 
blowing for the terriers, it is a word that we hunters vse 
when the Fox is earthed., you must blow one long, two 
short, the second winde one long two short : now sir in 
blowing, euery long containeth 7- quauers [one mimim 
and one quaver, one mimim conteyneth 4 quauers], one 
short containeth 3. quauers. 840 

Acad. Sir might I finde any fauour in my sute, I 
would wind the home wherein your boone deserts 2 
should bee sounded with so many minims, so many 
quauers. 844 

Amor. Sweet sir, I would I could confcrre this or 
any kindncsse vpon you : I wonder the boy comes not 
away with my Hobby. Now sir, as I was proceeding : 
when you blow the death of your Fox in the field or 
couert, then must you sound 3. notes, with 3. windes, and 
rccheat : marke you sir, vpon the same with 3. windes. 

Acad. I pray you sir 851 

Amor. Now sir, when you come to your stately gate, 
as you sounded the rccheat before, so now you must 
sound the relecfe three times. 

Acad. Releefe call you it ? it were good euery patron 
would [wind that home.] 3 856 

Amor. O sir, but your reliefe is your [cheifest and] 
sweetest note, that is sir, when your hounds hunt after 
a game vnknowne, and then you must sound one long 

1 ' untapering/ MS. 2 ' beau deserte,' MS. 3 ' finde the 

home,' edits. 



sc. 5 .] from $erna0gu& 107 

and six shorty the second wind, two short and one long, 
the third wind, one long and two short. 861 

A cad. True sir, it is a very good trade now adayes 
to be a villaine, I am the hound that hunts after a game 
vnknowne, and [hee] blowes the villaine. 864 

Amor. Sir, I will blesse your eares with a very pretty 
story, my father out of his owne cost and charges keepes 
an open table for all kinde of dogges. 

A cad. And he keepes one more by thee. 868 

Amor. He hath your Grey-hound, your Mungrell, 
your Mastife, your Leurier, your Spaniell, your Kennets, 
Terriers, Butchers dogs, Bloud-hounds, Dunghill dogges, 
trindle tailes, prick-eard curres, small Ladies puppies, 
[raches J ] and Bastards. 873 

Acad. What a bawdy knaue hath he to his father, 
that keepes his Rachell, hath 2 his bastards, and lets his 
[sonne 3 ] be plaine Ladies [puppye 4 ], to beray a Ladies 
Chamber. 877 

Amor. It was my pleasure two dayes ago, to take a 
gallant leash of Grey-hounds, and into my fathers Parke 
I went, accompanied with two or three Noblemen of 
my neere acquaintance, desiring to show them some of 
the sport: I causd the Keeper to seuer the rascall 
Deere, from the Buckes of the first head : now sir, a 
Bucke the first yeare is a Fawne, the second yeare a 
pricket, the third yeare a Sorell, the fourth yeare a Soare, 
the fift a Buck of the first head, the sixt yeare a compleat 
Buck : as likewise your Hart is the first yeare a Calfe, 
the second yeare a Brochet, the third yeare a Spade, the 
fourth yeare a Stagge, the fift yeare a great Stag, the 
sixt yeare a Hart: as likewise the Roa-bucke is the first 

1 < Caches,' edits. 2 ' getts, 1 MS. 3 ' sonnes/ edits. * ' puppets,' 

edits. 



io8 <E)e UUturne 



yeare a Kid, the second yeare a Girle, the third yeare a 
Hemuse: and these are your speciall beasts for chase, or 
as wee Huntsmen call 1 it, for venery. 

A cad. If chaste be taken for venery, thou art a more 
speciall beast then any in thy fathers forrest. Sir I am 
sorry I haue been so troublesome to you. 896 

Am. I [knewe 2 ] this was the readiest way to chase 
away the Scholler, by getting him into a subiect he can 
not talke of, for his life. Sir I will borrow so much 
time of you as to finish this my begun storie. Now sir, 
after much traucll we singled a Buck, I rode that same 
time vpon a Roane gelding, and stood to intercept [him] 
from the thicket : the Buck broke gallantly : my great 
Swift being disaduantaged in his slip was at the first 
bchindc, marry presently [hee] cotcd and out-stript them, 
when as the Hart :{ presently disccnded to the Riuer, and 
being in the water, profcrd, and reproferd, and profcrd 
againc: and at last he vpstartcd at the other side of the 
water which we call [the] soylc of the Hart, and there other 
huntsmen met him with an adauntreley 4 , we followed in 
hard chase for the space of eight hours, thrisc our hounds 
were at default, and then we crycd a slainc, straight 5 so ho: 
through good reclaiming my faulty hounds found their 
game againc, and so went through the wood with gallant 
noicc of musicke, resembling so many Violls Degambo : at 
last the Hart laid him downe, and [whilst] the Hounds 
seized vpon him, he groned and wept, and dyed. In 
good faith it made me wcepe too, to think of Acteons 
fortune, which my Quid speakes of. He rcadcs Onid. 
Militat omnis ainans^ ct habct s?ia castra Cnpido. 

Acad. Sir, can you put me in any hope of obtayning 
my sute. 922 

1 ' terme,' MS. 2 ' know,' edits. 3 ' bucke,' MS. * ' advan- 

treilley,' MS. 5 ' streare,' MS. 6 ' notice,' B. 



sc. 6.] from perna#u& 109 

Amor. In good faith Sir, if I did not loue you as 
my soule, I would not make you acquainted with the 
mysteries of my 1 art. 925 

A cad. Naye, I will not dye of a discourse yet, if I 
can choose. 

Amor. So sir, when we had rewarded our Dogges 
with the small guttes and the lights, and the bloud : the 
Huntsmen hallowed, so ho, \Venus decoupler *\> and so 
coupled the Dogges, and then [returning 3 ] homeward, 
another company of Houndes that lay at aduantage, had 
their couples cast off and we might heare the Huntsmen 
cry, horse ', decouple, Auant, but streight we hearde him 
cry, le Amend, and by that I knewe that they had the 
hare and on foote, and by and by I might see [him] 
sore and resore, prick and reprick : what is he gone ? ha 
ha ha ha, these schollers are the simplest creatures. 938 



ACTUS 2. SCEN. 6. 
Enter AMORETTO and his Page. 

Page. I wonder what is become of that Quid de arte 
amandi, my maister he that for the practise of his discourse 
is wonte to court his hobby abroad and at home, in his 
chamber makes a sett speech to his greyhound, desiring 
that most fayre and amiable dog to grace his company in 
a stately galliard, and if the dog, seeing him practise his 
[lofty 4 ] pointes, as his crospoynt [and his] backcaper, 
chance to beray the roome, he presently doffes his Cap, 
most solemnly makes a low-leg to [her] 5 Lady Ship, 
taking it for the greatest fauour in the world, that shee 
would vouchsafe to leaue her Ciuet box, or her sweete gloue 
behind her. 950 

1 'our,' MS. 2 'Venue a coupler,' edits. 3 'returned,' edits. 

* ' lusty,' edits. s ' his,' edits. 



<2Ef)e IReturiu [Actn. 

Amor. He opens Ouid and reads it. 1 

Page. Not a word more Sir, an't please you, your 
Hobby will meete you at the lanes end. 

Am. What Tack 2 , faith I cannot but vent vnto thee a 
most witty iest of mine. 955 

Page. I hope my maister will not breake winde : wilt 
please you sir to blesse mine eares with the discourse 
of it. 

Am. Good faith, the boy begins to haue an elegant 
smack of my stile : why then thus it was lack : a scuruie 
meere Cambridge scholler, I know not how to define 
him. 962 

Page. Nay maister, let mee define a meere Scholler. I 
heard a Courtier once define a meere scholler, to bee animall 
scabiosum, that is, a liuing creature that is troubled with 
the itch : or a meere scholler, is a creature that can strike 
fire in the morning at his Tinder-box, put on a pair of 
lined slippers, sit rewming till dinner, and then go to his 
meate when the Bell rings, one that hath a peculiar gift in 
a cough, and a licence to spit : or if you will 3 haue him 
defined by negatiues, He is one that cannot make a good 
legge, one that cannot eat a messe of broth cleanly, one 
that cannot ride a horse without spur-galling: one that 
cannot salute a wonan, and looke on her directly, one that 
cannot 975 

Am. Inough lackc, I can stay no longer, I am so 
great in child-birth with this iest : Sirrha, this praedicable, 
this saucy groome, because when I was in Cambridge, and 
lay in a Trundlebed vnder my Tutor, I was content in 
discreet humilitie, to giue him some place at [my 4 ] Table, 
and because I inuited the hungrie slaue sometimes to my 



1 This line is erroneously printed in Roman type in both editions. 

2 ' Jackey,' MS. 3 'would,' MS. * 'the,' edits. 



sc.6.] from perna0ug. m 

Chamber, to the canuasing of a Turkey Pye, or a piece of 
Venison, which my Lady Grand-mother sent me, he thought 
himselfe therefore eternally possest of my loue, and came 
hither to take acquaintance of me, and thought his old 
familiaritie did continue, and would beare him out in a 
matter of weight. I could not tell how to rid my selfe 
better of the troublesome Burre, then by getting him into 
the discourse of Hunting, and then tormenting him awhile 
with our wordes of Arte, the poore Scorpion became 
speechelesse, and suddenly rauished. These Clearkes are 
simple fellowes, simple fellowes. He reads Quid. 

Page. Simple indeede they are, for they want your 
courtly composition of a foole and of a knaue. Good faith 
sir a most absolute iest, but me thinkes it might haue beene 
followed a little farther. 996 

Am. As how my little knaue. 

Page. Why thus Sir, had you inuited him [home] to 
dinner at your table, and haue put the earning of a Capon 
vpon him, you should haue scene him handle the knife so 
foolishly, then run through a iury of faces, then wagging 
his head, & shewing his teeth in familiaritie, venter vpon it 
with the same method that he was wont to vntrusse an 
apple pie or tyrannise [over] an Egge and Butter; then 
would I have [plied T ] him all dinner time with cleane 
trenchers, cleane trenchers, and still when he had a good 
bit of meate, I would haue taken it from him, by giuing 
him a cleane trencher, and so haue [starv'd 2 ] him in 
kindnesse. 1009 

Am. Well said subtle lack, put me in minde when I 
returne againe, that I may make my Lady Mother laugh at 
the Scholler. He to my game : for you lacke, I would 
haue you imploy your time till my comming 3 , in watching 
what houre 4 of the day my Hawke mutes. Exit. 

1 < applyed,' edits. a serv'd/ edits. 3 < returne,' MS. 4 the time,' MS. 



[Act in. 

Page. Is not this an excellent office to be Apothecarie 
to his worships hawke, to sit [skoring 1 ] on the wall, how 
the Phisicke workes, and is not my maister an absolute 
villaine, that loues his Hawke, his Hobby, and his Grey 
hound, more then any mortall creature : do but dispraise a 
feather of his hawkes traine, and he writhes his mouth, and 
sweares, for he can do that onely with a good grace, that 
you are the most shallow braind fellow that Hues : do but 
say his horse stales with a good presence, and hee's your 
bond-slaue : when he returnes He tell twentie admirable 
lyes of his hawke, and then I shall be his little rogue, and 
his white villaine for a whole week after. Well let others 
complaine, but I thinke there is no felicitie to the seruing of 
a foole. 1028 

ACT:. 3. SCEN. 1. 
Sir RAD. 2 Recorder. Page. Sig. IMMERITO. 

>S. Rad. Signior Immerito^ you remember my caution, 
for the 3 tithes, and my promise for farming my tithes at 
such a rate. 1031 

I Di. I, and please your worship Sir. 

5. Rad. You must put in security for the performance 
of it in such sorte as I and maister Recorder shall 
like 4 of. 1035 

/;;/. I will an't please your worship. 

5. Rad. And because I will be sure that I haue con 
ferred this kindenesse vpon a sufficient man, I haue desired 
maister Recorder to take examination of you. 1039 

Pag. My maister (it seemes) tak's him for a thiefe, but 
he hath small reason for it, as for learning it's plaine he 
neuer stole any, and for the liuing he knowes himselfe 
how he comes by it, for lett him but eate a measse of fur- 

1 ' scouting/ edits. 2 ' Randoll,' MS. :! ' your,' MS. 4 'thinke,' MS. 



sc. i.] from perna0#u& 113 

menty this seauen yeare, and yet he shall neuer be able to 
recouer himselfe : alas poore sheepe that hath fallen into the 
hands of such a fox. 1046 

Sir Rad. Good maister Recorder take your place by me, 
and make tryall of his gifts, is the clerke there to recorde 
his examination, [oh T ] the Page shall serue the turne. 

Pag. Tryal of his gifts, neuer had any gifts a better 
trial, why Immerito his gifts haue appeared in as many 
coloures, as the Rayn-bowe, first to maister Amoretto in 
colour of the sattine suite he weares : to my Lady in the 
similitude of a loose gowne: to my maister, in the likenesse 2 
of a siluer basen, and ewer : to vs Pages in the semblance 
of new suites and poyntes. So [that] maister Amoretto 
playes the gul in a piece of a parsonage: my maister 
adornes his cuppoord with a piece of a parsonage, my 
mistres vpon good dayes, puts on a piece of a parsonage 3 , 
and we Pages playe at blowe pointe for a piece of a 
parsonage, I thinke heer's tryall inough for one mans 
gifts. 1062 

Reco. For as much as nature hath done her part in 
making you a hansome likely man. 

Pag. He is a hansome 4 young man indeed, and hath a 
proper gelded parsonage. 1066 

Reco. In the next place, some art is requisite for the 
perfection of nature : for the tryall whereof, at the request 
of my worshipfull friend, I will in some sort propound 
questions fitt to be resolued by one of your pro 
fession, say what is a [parson 5 ] that was neuer at the 
Vniuersity? 1072 

Im. A [parson 5 ] that was neuer in the vniuersity, is a 
liuing creature that can eate a tithe pigge. 

1 ' or,' MS. a ' similitude/ MS. 3 ' my misters . . . parsonage ' 

omitted in the MS. 4 ' proper,' MS. 6 ' person,' edits. 



H4 ^i* l&eturtu [Act in. 

Rec. Very well answerd, but you should haue added, 
and must be officious to his patrone: write downe that 
answer to shew his learning in logick. 1077 

Sir Rad. Yea boy write that downe. Very learnedly in 
good faith, I pray now let me aske you one question that 
I remember, whether is the Masculine gender or the feminine 
more worthy? 1081 

Im. The Feminine sir. 

vS. Rad. The right answer, the right answer. In good 
faith I haue beene of that mind alwayes ; write boy that, 
to shew hee is a Grammarian. 1085 

Pag. No maruell my maister be against the Grammer, 
for he hath alwayes made false latine in the Genders. 

Rec. What Vniuersity are you of ? 

I DI. Of none [sir]. 1089 

Sir Rad. He tells trueth, to tell trueth is an excellent 
vertue. Boy make two heads, one for his learning, another 
for his vcrtucs, and refcrre this to the head of his vertues, 
not of his learning. 

Pag. What, halfc a mcsse of good qualities referred to 
an assc head ? 1095 

Sir Rad. Nowe maister Recorder, if it please you I 
will examine him in an author, that will sound him to 
the depth, a booke of Astronomy otherwise called an 
Almanackc. 1099 

Rec. Very good, Sir Raderike 1 , it were to be wished that 
there were no other booke of humanity, then there would 
not bee such busie state-prying fellowes as are now a dayes, 
proceede good sir. 

Sir Rad. What is the Dominicall letter ? 

Im. C, sir, and please your worship. 1105 

* ' Randall,' MS. 



. i.] from }9ecnaggu& 115 



6". Rad. A very good answer, a very good answer, 
the very answer of the booke, write downe that, and referre 
it to his skill in philosophy. 

Pag. C, the Dominicall letter : it is true, craft and 
cunning do so dominere : yet rather C and D, are domini- 
call letters, that is crafty Dunsery. mi 

,S. Rad. How many daies hath September ? 

Im. [Thirty dayes hath September] Aprill, lune and 
Nouember, February hath 28. alone and all the rest hath 
30 and one. 1115 

vS. Rad. Very learnedly in good faith, he hath also a 
smacke in poetry, write downe that boy, to shew his 
learning in poetry. 
How many miles from Waltham to London ? 

Im. Twelue Sir. 1120 

6*. Rad. How many from Newmarket to Grantham ? 
Im. Ten Sir. 

Pag. Without doubt [in his dayes] he hath beene some 
Carriers horse. 

,S. Rad. How call you him that is cunning in i. 2. 3. 4. 5. 
and the Cipher? 1126 

Im. A good Arithmatician. 

5. Rad. Write downe that answeare of his, to show his 
learning x in Arithmetick. 

Pag. He must nedes be a good Arithmetician that 
counted money so lately. 1131 

6*. Rad. When is the new moone ? 

Im. The last quarter the 5. day, at 2. of the cloke and 
38. minuts in the morning. 

5. Rad. Write him downe, how cal you him, that is 
weather-wise? 1136 

1 ' cunning,' MS. 
I 2 



u6 <gti)e l&eturn* 



Recor. A good Ast[r]onomer. 

5. /vW. Sirrha boy, write him downe for a good 
Astronomer. 

Pag?. As Colit astra. 1140 

6\ Rad. What day of the month lights the Queenes day 
on t 

Im. The 17. of Nouember. 

>S. Rad. Boy refeere this to his vertues, and write him 
down a good subiect. 1145 

Pag. Faith he were an excellent subiect for 2. or 3. 
good wits, he would make a fine Asse for an ape to 
ride vpon. 

v$. Rad. And these shall suffice for the parts of his 
learning, now it remaines to try whether you bee a man 
of good vtterancc, that is, whether you can aske for the 
strayed Heifer with the white face, as also chide the boyes 
in the bclfric, and bid the Sexton whippc out the dogges : 
let nice heare your voyce. 1154 

/;;/. If any man or woman. 
S. Rad. Thats too high. 
Im. If any man or woman. 
vS. Rad. Thats too lowe. 

Im. If any man or woman, can tell any tydings of a 
Horse with fowre feete, two cares, that did straye about 
the seuenth howre, three minutes in the forenoone the 
fift day. 1162 

Pag. [He talks T ] of a horse iust as it were the Ecclipse 
of the Moone. 

vS. Rad. Boy wryte him downe for a good vtterance : 
Maister Recorder, I thinke he hath beene examined 
sufficiently. 

1 ' I tooke,' edits. ; ' A talks/ conjectured by Malone. 



sc. 2.] from perna00u& 117 

Rec. I, Sir Radericke^ tis so, wee haue tride him very 
throughly. 

Pag. I, we haue taken an inuentory of his good parts 
and prized them accordingly. 1171 

S. Rad. Signior Immerito^ forasmuch as we haue made 
a double tryall of thee, the one of your learning, the other 
of your erudition : it is expedient also in the next place to 
giue you a fewe exhortations, considering [that] the 2 
greatest Clarkes are not the wisest men : this is therefore first 
to exhort you to abstaine from Controuersies. Secondly 
not to gird at men of worship, such as my selfe, but to 
vse your [witt 3 ] discreetly. Thirdly not to speake when 
any man or woman coughs : doe so, and in so doing 
I will perseuer to bee your worshipfull friend and louing 
patron. 1182 

Im. I thanke your worship, you haue beene the deficient 
cause of my preferment. 

Sir Rad. Lead Immerito in to my sonne, and let him 
dispatch him, and remember my tithes to bee reserued, 
paying twelue pence a yeare. I am going to Moore-fieldes, 
to speake with an vnthrift I should meete at the middle 
Temple about a purchase, when you haue done follow vs. 

Exeunt IMMERITO and the Page. 



ACT. 3. SCEN. 2. 
SIR RAD. 1 and Recorder. 

Sir Rad. Harke you Maister Recorder, I haue flesht 
my prodigall boy notably, notablie in letting him deale for 
this liuing, that hath done him much, much good I assure 
you. 1193 

1 'Randall,' MS. a 'this,' B. 3 'selfe/ edits. 



us ^ie ISUturne 



Rec. You doe well Sir Roderick^ ^ to bestowe your 
liuing vpon such an one as will be content to share, and on 
Sunday to say nothing, whereas your proud uniuersity 
princox thinkes he is a man of such merit the world cannot 
sufficiently endow him with preferment, an vnthankfull 
viper, an vnthankefull Viper that will sting the man that 
reuiued 2 him. 1200 

Why ist not strange to see a ragged clarke, 

Some [start upp 3 ] weauer or some butchers sonne : 

That scrubd [of 4 ] late within a sleeueles gowne, 

When the commencement, like a morice dance, 

Hath put a bell or two about his legges, 1205 

Created him a sweet cleane gentleman : 

How then he gins to follow fashions. 

He whose thin sire dwell[sj in a smokyc roufe, 

Must take Tobacco and must wearc a locke. 

His thirsty Dad drinkes in a wooden bowle, 1210 

But his sweet selfc is seru'd in silucr plate. 

His hungry sire will scrape you twenty legges, 

For one good Christmas mcale on New-yeares day. 

But his mawe must be Capon crambd each day, 

He must ere long be triple beneficed, 1215 

Els with his tongue hee'l thunderbolt the world, 

And shake each pesant by his deafe-mans eare. 

But had the world no wiser men then I, 

Wecde pen the prating parates in a cage, 

A chayre, a candle and a Tinderbox. 1220 

A thacked chamber and a ragged gowne, 

Should be their landes and whole possessions, 

Knights, Lords, and lawyers 6 should be log'd & dwel 

Within those ouer stately heapes of stone. 

Which doting syres in old age did erect. 1225 

1 ' Randall,' MS. 3 < relieved,' MS. 4 'stamell,' edits. 5 'a,' edits. 

6 ' ladies,' MS. 



sc. 2.] from p*t:nag0u& 119 

Well it were to be wished that neuer a scholler in England 
might haue aboue fortie pound a yeare. 

vS. Rad. Faith maister Recorder, if it went by wishing, 
there should neuer a one of them all haue aboue twentie a 
yeare : a good stipend, a good stipend, maister Recorder. 
I in the meane time, howsoeuer I hate them all deadly, yet 
I am fayne to giue them good words. Oh they are 
pestilent fellowes, they speake nothing but bodkins, and 
pisse vinegar. Well, do what I can in outward kindnesse 
to them, yet they doe nothing but beray l my house : as 
there was one that made a couple of knauish verses on my 
country Chimney now in the time of my soiourning here at 
London: and it was thus. 1238 

Sir Raderick 2 keepes no Chimney Cauelere, 
That takes Tobacco aboue once a yeare. 
And an other made a couple of verses on my Daughter that 
learnes to play on the viall de gambo. 

Her vyall de gambo is her best content, 

For twixt her legges she holds her instrument. 1244 

Very knauish, very knauish, if you looke [intoo't 3 ] maister 

Recorder. Nay they haue playd many a knauish tricke 

beside with me. Well, tis a shame indeede there should be 

any such priuilege for proud beggars as Cambridge, and 

Oxford are. But let them go, and if euer they light in my 

handes, if I do not plague them, let me neuer returne home 

againe to see my wifes way ting mayde. 1251 

Recor. This scorne of knights is too egregious. 
But how should 4 these young coltes proue amblers, 
When the old heauy galled iades do trot : 
There shall you see a puny boy start vp, 1255 

And make a theame against common lawyers : 
Then the old vnweldy Camels gin to dance, 



berime,' MS. 2 < Randall,' MS. 3 'unto it,' edits. 

4 'should' omitted in the MS. 



l&eturne [ACTIH. 

This fiddling boy playing l a fit of mirth : 

The gray bearde scrubbe, and laugh and cry good, good, 

To them againe, boy 2 scurdge the barbarians: 1260 

But we may giue the loosers leaue to talke, 

We haue the coyne, then tel them laugh for mee. 

Yet knights and lawyers hope to see the day, 

When we may share here there possessions 3 , 

And make Indentures of their chaffred skins: 1265 

Dice of their bones to throw in mcriment. 

Sir Rad. O good fayth maister Recorder, if I could sec 
that day once. 

Rcc. Well, remember another day, what I say : schollers 
are pryed into of late, and are found to bee busye fellowes, 
disturbers of the peace. He say no more, gesse at my 
meaning, I smcl a ratt. 1272 

Sir Rad. I hope at length England will be wise enough, 
I hope so, I faith, then an old knight may haue his wench 
in a corner without any Satyres or Epigrams. But the day 
is farrc spent, Maist. Recorder, & I feare by this time the 
vnthrift is arriucd at the place appointed in Moore fields, 
let vs hasten to him. He lookcs on his watch. 

Rccor. Indeed this dayes 4 subiect transported vs too late, 
I thinke we shall not come much too late. Exeunt. 



ACT. 3. SCEN. 3. 
Enter AMORETTO, his page, IMMERITO booted. 

Amor. Maister Immerito deliuer this letter to the poser 
in my fathers name : marry withall some sprinkling, some 
sprinkling, vcrbum saficnti sat est, farwell maister Im 
merito. 1284 

1 'paying,' B. 2 ' boy' omitted in the MS. 3 'share their large 

possessions,' MS. 4 'this eager,' MS. 



sc. 3 .] from $erna#gu& 121 

Imer. I thanke your worship most hartely. 1285 

Pag. Is it not a shame to see this old dunce learning his 
Induction at these yeares : but let him go, I loose nothing 
by him, for He be sworne but for the bootye of selling the 
parsonage I should haue gone in mine old cloathes this 
Christmas. A dunce I see is a neighbourlike l brute beast, 
a man may Hue by him. AMOR, seemes to make verse. 

Amor. A pox on it, my muse is not so witty as shee was 
wonte to be ; her nose is like not yet 2 , plague on these 
mathematikes, they haue spoyled my brayne in making a 
verse 3 . . 1295 

Page. Hang me if he hath any more mathematikes then 
wil serue to count the clocke, or tell the meridian howre by 
rumbling of his panch. 

Am. Her nose is like 

Page. A coblers shooinghorne. 1300 

Am. Her nose is like a beautious maribone. 

Pag. Marry a sweete snotty mistres. 

Amor. Fayth I do not like it yet : asse as I was to reade 
a peece of Aristotle in greeke yesternight, it hath put mee 
out of my English vaine quite. 1305 

Pag. O monstrous lye 4 , let me be a pointtrusser while 
I Hue if he vnderstands any tongue but English. 

Amor. Sirrha boy remember me when I come in[to] 
Paules Churchyard to by a Ronzard, and Dubartas in 
french and Aretine in Italian, and our hardest writers in 
Spanish, they wil sharpen my witts gallantly. I doe rellish 
these tongues in some sort. Oh now I do remember I 

1 < is a good neighbourly/ MS. 2 The punctuation here is taken from 

the MS., and'was also suggested by Malone. 3 ' veyne in a verse,' MS. 

* 'lyar/MS." 



l&etunu [ACIIIL 

hear[d] a report of a Poet newly come out in Hebrew, it is a 
pretty harsh tongue, and [doth] rellish a gentleman traueller, 
but come letts haste after my father, the fields are fitter 
[for] * heauenly meditations. \ExiP^\ 1316 



Page. My maisters, I could wish your presence at an 
admirable iest, why presently this great linguist my master 
will march through Paules Church-yard. Come to a booke 
binders shop, and with a big Italian looke and a Spanish 
face aske for these bookes in Spanish and Italian, then 
turning, through his ignorance, the wrong end of the booke 
vpward vse action, on 3 this vnknowne tong after 4 this sort, 
first looke on the title and wrinckle his browe, next make as 
though he red the first page and bites a lip, then with his 
nayle score the margent as though there were some notable 
conceit, and lastly when he thinkes hee hath guild the 
standers by sufficiently, throwes the booke away in a rage, 
swearing that hee could neucr finde bookes of a true printe 
since he was last in [Padua fi ], enquire [s] after the next 
marte, and so dcpartes. And so must I, for by this time 
his contemplation is ariued at his mistres nose end, [and] 
he is as [bragg ] as if he had taken Ostend : by [t]his time 
he begins to spit, and cry boy, carry my cloake : and now 
I go to attend on his worship. 1335 



ACT. 3. 7 SCEN. 4. 
E?itcr INGENIOSO, FUROR, PHANTASMA. 

Ing. Come ladds, this wine whetts your resolution in our 
designe : it's a needy world with subtill spirits, and there's 
a gentlemanlike kinde of begging, that may beseeme Poets 
in this age. 1339 

lc to,' edits. 2 ' Exeunt,' edits. 3 < over,' MS. 4 'on,'MS. 

6 ' Joadna,' edits. 6 'glad,' edits. 7 '2' in A. 



sc. 4-] from ^erna00u& 123 

Fur. Now by the wing of nimble Mercury, 1340 

By my Thalias siluer sounding harpe : 
By that caelestiall fier within my brayne, 
That giues a liuing genius to my lines : 
How ere my dulled 1 intellectuall. 

Capres lesse nimbly then it did a fore 2 , 1345 

Yet will I play a hunt's vp to my muse: 
And make her mount from out her sluggish nest 3 , 
As high as is the highest spheere in heauen : 
Awake you paltry trulles of Helicon^ 

Or by this light, He Swagger with you streight : 1350 
You grandsyre Phoebus with your louely eye, 
The firmaments eternall vagabond, 
The heauens [prompter 4 ] that doth peepe and prye, 
Into the actes of mortall tennis balls. 
Inspire me streight with some rare delicies, 1355 

Or lie dismount thee from thy radiant coach : 
And make thee [a] poore Cutchy here on earth. 

Phan. Currus aiiriga paterni. 

Ing. Nay prethee good Furor, doe not [roare 5 ] in rimes 
before thy time : thou hast a very terrible roaring muse, 
nothing but squibs and [firewoorks 6 ], quiet thy selfe a while, 
and heare thy charge. 1362 

Phan. Hue ades h<zc ; aniino concipe dicta tuo. 

Ingeni. Let vs on to our deuise, our plot, our proiect. 
That old Sir Roderick* 1 ) that new printed comipendum of all 
in[i]quitye, that hath not ayred his countrey Chimney once 
in 3. winters 8 : he that loues to Hue in an od corner here at 
London, and effect 9 an odde wench in a nooke, one that 
loues to Hue in a narrow roome, that he may with more 
facility in the darke, light vpon his wifes waiting maide, one 

1 ' dullard,' MS. 2 'of yore,' MS. 3 'forth her sluggard's nest,' MS. 
4 'promoter,' edits. 5 'roaue,' edits. 6 ' fine ierks/ edits. 

7 'Randall,' MS. 8 .'yeeres,' MS. 9 'affect/ MS. 



134 ^Je l&eturru 



that loues alife a short sermon and a long play, one that 
goes to a play, to a whore, to his bedde in [a] Circle, good 
for nothing in the world but to sweate night caps, and foule 
faire lawne shirtes, feed a few foggy seruing men, and 
preferre dunces to liuings. This old Sir Raderick 1 (Furor) it 
shall be thy taske to cudgell with thy thick [thwack 2 ] 
tearmes, [mary at the first give him some sugar candy 
tearms,] and then if he will not vnty [the] purse stringes, of 
his liberality, sting him with tearmes layd in aqua fortis and 
gunpowder. 1380 

Furor. In noua fert animus mutatas dicere formas. 
The Seruile current of my slyding verse, 
[Gently] 3 shal runne into his thick skind eares : 
Where it shall dwell like a magnifico, 
Command his slymie spright to honour me: 1385 

For my high tiptoe strouting poesye. 
But if his starrs hath fauour'd him so ill, 
As to debarre him by his dunghil thoughts, 
Justly to csteeme my verses [towring 4 ] pitch: 
If his earth [rooting 5 ] snout shal gin to scorne, 1390 

My verse that giueth immortality: 
Then, Bella per Emathios. 

Phan. Furor arma ministrat. 

Furor. He shake his heart vpon my verses poynte, 
Rip out his gutts with [riming ] poinard: 1395 

Quarter his credit with a bloody quill. 

Phan. \Scalpelluni\ Calami, Air amentum, charta, libelli, 
Sunt" 1 semper studijs arma parata tuis. 

Ing. Inough Furor, wee know thou art a nimble swag 
gerer with a goose quill : now for you Phantasma, leaue 
trussing your pointes, and listen. 1401 



1 ' Randall,' MS. 2 ' thwart,' edits. 3 Gentle/ edits. * 'lowting,' 
edits. 5 < wroting,' edits. 8 ' riuing,' edit,s. 7 ' Sint,' MS. 



sc. s .] from Ptna0u& 125 

Phan. Omne tulit punctum. 1402 

Ing. Marke you Amoretto Sir Rodericks 1 sonne, to him 
shall thy piping poetry and sugar endes of verses be directed, 
he is one, that wil draw out his pocket glasse thrise in a 
walke, one that dreames in a night of nothing, but muske 
and ciuet, and talke[s] of nothing all day long but his 
hauke, his hound, and his mistres, one that more admires 
the good wrinckle of a boote, [or] the curious crinkling of a 
silke stocking, then all the witt in the world : one that loues 
no scholler but him whose tyred eares can endure halfe a 
day togither, his fliblowne sonnettes of his mistres, and her 
louing pretty creatures, her munckey and her puppet : it 
shal be thy task (Phantasma) to cut this guiles throate with 
faire tearmes, and if he hold fast for al thy iuggling rettoricke, 
fal at defyance with him, and the poking sticke he weares. 

Phan. Simul extulit ensem. 1417 

Ing. Come braue mips 2 , gather vp your spiritts, and let 
vs march on like aduenturous knights, and discharge a 
hundredth poeticall spiritts vpon them. 

Phan. Est deiis in nobis> agitante calescimus illo. 

Exeunt. 



ACT. 3. SCEN. 5. 
Enter PHILOMUSUS, STUDIOSO. 

Stud. Well Philomusus, we neuer scaped so faire a 
scouring : why yonder are purseuantes out for the french 
Doctor, and a lodging bespoken for him and his man in 
newgate. It was a terrible feare that made vs cast our 
hayre. 1426 

Phil. And canst thou sport at our calamityes? 
And countest vs happy to scape prisonment? 

1 ' Randall's/ MS. 'nimphs,' B. 



Why the wide world that blesseth some with wayle, 1 
Is to our chayned thoughts a darkesome gayle: 1430 

Stud. Nay prethee friend these wonted tearmes forgo, 
He doubles griefe that comments on a wo. 

Phil. Why do fond men tearme it impiety, 
To send a wearisome sadde grudging Ghost, 
Vnto his home, his long, long, lasting home? 1435 

Or let them make our life lesse greeuous be, 
Or suffer vs to end our misery. 

Stud. Oh no the sentinell his watch must keepe, 
Vntill his Lord do lycence him to sleepe : 

Phil. It's time to sleepe within our hollowe graues, 
And rest vs in the darkesome wombe of earth : 1441 

Dead things are graued, and bodies are no lesse 
Pined and forlorne like Ghostly carcases. 

Stud. Not long this tappe of loathed life can runne, 
Soone commeth death, and then our woe is done. 
Mean time good Philomusus be content, 1445 

Letts spend our dayes in hopcfull merryment. 

Phil. Curst be our thoughts when ere they dreame 

of hope : 

Band be those happs that henceforth flatter vs, 
When mischiefe doggs vs still and still for aye, 
From our first byrth vntill our burying day. 1450 

In our first gamesome age, our doting sires 
Carked and cared to haue vs lettered : 
Sent vs to Cambridge where our oyle is spent 2 : 
Vs our kinde Colledge from the 3 teate did teare : 
And for'st vs walke before we weaned weare, 1455 

From that time since [yjwandered haue we still : 
In the wide world, vrg'd by our forced will, 
Nor euer haue we happy fortune tryed : 

1 'wealth,' MS. a 'yspent,' MS. s 'her,' MS. 



sc. 5 .] from pernaggug* 127 

Then why should hope with our [rent 1 ] state abide? 
Nay let vs run vnto the [balefull 2 ] caue, 1460 

Pight in the hollow ribbs of craggy 3 cliffe, 
Where dreary owles do shrike the Hue-long night, 
Chasing away the byrdes of chearefull light : 
Where yawning Ghosts do howle in ghastly wise, 
Where that dull hollow ey'd, that staring, syre, 1465 

Yclept Dispaire hath his sad mansion. 
Him let vs finde, and by his counsell we, 
Will end our too much yrked misery. 4 

Stud. To wayle thy happs argues a dastard minde. 
Phil. To heare 5 too long argues an asses kinde. 

Stud? Long since the worst chance of the die was 
cast, 1471 

Phil. But why should that word worst so long time 
last? 

Sttid. Why doth 7 thou now these sleepie 8 plaints com 
mence ? 

Phil. Why should I ere be duld with patience? 

Stud. Wise folke do beare [what] 9 strugling cannot 
mend. 1475 

Phil. Good spirits must with thwarting fates contend^ 

Stud. Some hope is left our fortunes to redresse, 

Phil. No hope but this, ere 10 to be comfortlesse, 

Stud. Our Hues remainder gentler hearts may finde. 

Phil. The gentlest harts to vs will proue vnkind. 

1 'tent, 'edits. 2 ' basefull,' edits. 3 ' crabby,' MS. * These 

two lines form one in the MS., 'And by his counsell end our miserye.' 
5 Corrected to ' beare ' in B. 6 This and the following line are omitted 

in the MS. 7 Corrected to ' dost ' in B. 8 ' thy sleeping,' MS. 

9 < with/ edits. 10 < still,' MS. 



lEUturne [Act. iv. 



ACT. 4. SCEN. 1. 

Sir RADERICKE and PRODIGO, at one corner of the Stage. Record\er\ 
and AMORETTO at the other. Two Pages scouring of Tobacco pipes. 

Sir Rad. M: Prodigo, M. Recorder hath told you lawe, 
your land is forfeited : and for me not to take the forfeiture, 
were to breake the Queenes law, for marke you, its law to 
take the forfeiture: therfore not to [take 1 ] it is to breake 
the Queenes law, and to breake the Queenes law is not to 
be a good subiect, and / meane to bee a good subiect. 
Besides, I am a Justice of the peace, and being Justice of 
the peace I must do Justice, that is law, that is to take the 
forfeiture, especially hauing taken notice of it. Marrie 
Maistcr Prodigo, here are a few shillings, ouer and besides 
the bargainc. 1491 

Prod. Pox on your shillings, sblood a while agoe, before 
he had me in the lurch, who but my coozen Prodigo, you 
arc welcome my coozen Prodigo, take my coozen Prodigoes 
horse, a cup of Wine for my coozen Prodigo, good faith you 
shall sit here good coozen Prodigo, a cleane trencher for 
my coozen Prodigo, haue a speciall care of my coozen 
Prodigoes lodging : now maister Prodigo with a pox, and a 
few shillings for a vantage, a plague on your shillings, pox 
on your shillings, if it were not for the Sergeant which 
dogges me at my heeles, a plague on your shillings, pox 
on your shillings, pox on your selfe and your shillings, 
pox on your worship, if I catch thee at Ostcnd: I dare not 
staye for the Sergeant. 2 {Exit. 

S. Rad. Pag. Good faith Maister Prodigo is an ex 
cellent fellow, he takes the [Cuban ebullition 3 ] so excellently. 

Amor. Page. He is a good liberall Gentleman, he hath 
bestowed an ounce of Tobacco vpon vs, and as long as it 

1 ' breake,' edits. 2 This speech is somewhat shortened in the MS. 

3 ' Gulan ebullitio? edits. 



sc. i.] from Perna00u0. 129 

lasts, come cut and long-taile, weele spend it as liberally 
for his sake. 1 1510 

5. Rad. Page. Come fill the Pipe quickly, while my 
maister is in his melancholic humour, it's iust the melancholy 
of a Colliers horse. 

Amor. Page. If you cough lacke after your Tobacco, 
for a punishment you shall kisse the Pantofle. 1515 

5. Rad. It's a foule ouer-sight, that a man of worship 
cannot keepe a wench in his house, but there must be 
muttering and surmising : it was the wisest saying that my 
father euer vttered, that a wife was the 2 name of necessitie, 
not of pleasure : for what do men marry for, but to stocke 
their ground, and to haue one to looke to the linnen, sit at 
the vpper end of the table, and carue vp a Capon : one that 
can weare a hood like a Hawke, and couer her foule face 
with a Fanne : but there's no pleasure alwayes to be tyed 
to a piece of Mutton, sometimes a messe of stewd broth 
will do well, and an vnlac'd Rabbet is best of all : well for 
mine owne part, I haue no great cause to complaine, for I 
am well prouided of three bounsing wenches, that are mine 
owne fee-simple : one of them I am presently to visit, if I can 
rid my selfe cleanly of this company [without berayeing]. 
Let me see how the day goes : (hee puts his Watch oiit.} 
precious coales, the time is at hand, I must meditate on an 
excuse to be gone. 1533 

Record. The 3 which I say, is grounded on the Statute 
I spake of before, enacted in the raigne of Henry the 6. 

Amor. It is a plaine case, whereon I mooted in our 
Temple, and that was this : put case there be three 
bretheren, lohn a Nokes, lohn a Nash, and lohn a Stile: 
lohn a Nokes the elder, lohn a Nash the younger, lohn a 
Stile the youngest of all, lohn a Nash the yonger dyeth 

1 their sakes,' MS. 2 'a,' MS. 5 'That,' B. 

K 



130 %\}t l&eturne [ACUV. 

without issue of his body lawfully begotten : whether shall 
his lands ascend to lohn a Noakes the elder, or discend to 
lohn a Stile the youngest of all ? The answer is : The 
lands do collaterally descend, not ascend. 1544 

Recor. Very true, and for a proofe hereof I will shew 
you a place in Littleton^ which is verye pregnant in this 
point. 

AC1US 4. SCENA 2. 
Enter iNGENioso, FUROR, PHANTASMA. 

Ing. He pawne my wittes, that is, my reuenues, my land, 
my money, and whatsoeuer I haue, for I haue nothing but 
my wit, that they are at hand : why any sensible snout 
may winde [out] Maister Amoretto and his Pomander, 
Maister Recorder and his two neates feete that weare no 
sockes, Sir Radericke ! by his rammish complexion. 
Olct Gorgoiuus Jiyrcuin, 5V. Lupus in fabida. Furor fire 
the Touch-box of your 2 witte : Phantasma^ let your in- 
uention play tricks like an Ape : begin thou Furor \ and 
open like a phlapmouthed hound : follow thou Phantasma 
like a Ladies Puppie : and as for me, let me alone, He come 
after like a [good] Water-dogge that will shake them off, 
when I haue no vse of them. My maisters, the watch 
word is giuen. Furor discharge. 1561 

Furor to S. Rad. The great projector of the Thunder 
bolts, 

He that is wont to pisse whole cloudes of raine, 
Into the earth vast gaping vrinall, 

Which that one ey'd subsicer of the skie, 1565 

Don PJicebus empties by caliditie : 
He and his Townesmen Planets [bring 3 ] to thee, 
Most fatty lumpes of earths [felicitie 4 ]. 

1 ' Randall,' MS. 3 ' thy cannon' MS. 3 ' brings,' edits. 

4 ' facilitie,' edits. 



sc. 2 .] from $*rna0gu& 131 

6\ Rad. Why will this fellowes English breake the 
Queenes peace, I will not seeme to regard him. 1570 

Phan. to Am. Meccenas atauis edite regibus, 
O et presidium, et duke decus meum> 
Dij faciant votis vela secunda tuis. 

Inge. God saue you good maister Recorder ', and good 
fortunes follow your deserts. I thinke I haue curst him 
sufficiently in few words. 1576 

vS. Rad. What haue we here, three begging Souldiers, 
come you from Ostend^ or from Ireland"} 

Pag. Cuium pecus, an Mcelibeit I haue vented all the 
Latin one man had. 1580 

Phan. Quid dicam amplius? domini similis os. 

Amor. pag. Let him alone I pray thee, to him againe, 
tickle him there. 

Phan. Quam dispari domino dominaris? 1584 

Rec. Nay that's plaine in Littleton^ for if that fee-simple 
and the fee taile be put together, it is called hotch potch : 
now this word hotch potch in English is a Pudding, for in 
such a pudding is not commonly one thing onely, but one 
thing with another. 1589 

Amor. I thinke I do remember this also at a mooting 
in our Temple : so then this hotch potch seemes a terme of 
similitude. 

Furor to S. Rad. Great Capricornus, of thy 1 head 

take keepe, 

Good Virgo watch, while that thy worship sleepe, 
And when thy swelling [bladder] vents amaine, 1595 

Then Pisces be thy sporting Chamberlaine. 

5. Rad. 1 thinke the deuill hath sent some of his family 
to torment me. 



' the,' B. 

K 2 



132 <3Ttie l&eturne [Activ. 

Amor. There is taile generall and taile speciall, and 
Littleton is very copious in that theame : for taile generall 
is, when lands are giuen to a man, and his heyres of his 
body begotten : Taile speciall, is when lands are giuen 
to a man, and to his wife, and to the heires of their 
two bodyes lawfully begotten, and that is called Taile 
speciall. 1605 

[y&tf. 1 ] Very well, and for his oath I will giue a distinc 
tion : there is a materiall oath, and a formall oath : the 
formall oath may be broken, the materiall may not be 
broken : for marke you sir, the law is to take place before 
the conscience, and therfore you may, vsing me your 
counseller, cast him in the suit : there wants nothing to the 
full meaning of this place, 1612 

PJian. Nihil hie nisi Carmina desunt. 

Ing. An excellent obseruation in good faith, see how 
the old Fox teacheth the yong Cub to wurry a sheepe, or 
rather sits himselfe like an old Goose, hatching the addle 
braine of maister Amoretto : there is no foole to the Sattin 
foolc, the Veluct foole, the perfumde foole, and therefore 
the witty Taylors of this age, put them vnder colour of 
kinclncsse into a paire of cloath-bags, [breeches and so the 
fooles are taken away in a cloak-bagg] where a voyder will 
not serue the turne : and there is no knaue to the barbarous 
knaue, the [mooting 2 ] knaue, the pleading knaue : what ho 
maister Recorder"? Maister Nouerint vniuersi per presentes, 
not a word he, vnlesse he feele it in his fist. 1625 

Phan. Mitto tibi metulas. cancros imitare legendo. 

S. Rad. to Furor. Fellow what art thou that art so 
bold? 

Fur. I am the bastard of great Mercurie^ 
Got on Thalia when she was a sleepe : 

1 ' S. Rad.,' edits. ' 2 ' moulting,' edits. 



.] from ptrnaggug* 133 



My Gawdie Grandsire great Apollo high, 1630 

Borne was I heare, but that 1 my luck was ill, 
To all the land vpon the forked hill. 

Phant. O crudelis Alexi nil me a carmina cur as? 
Nil nostri miserere mori me deinque coges^ 

S. Rad. Pag. If you vse them thus, my maister is a 
Justice of peace, and will send you all to the gallowes. 

Phant. Hei mihi quod domino non licet ire tuo. 

Ing. Good maister Recorder) let me retaine you this 
terme for my cause, for my cause good maister Recorder. 

Recor. I am retained already on 3 the contrary part, I 
haue taken my fee, be gon, be gon. 1641 

Ing. It's his meaning I should come off: why here is 
the true stile 4 of a villaine, the true faith of a Lawyer : it is 
vsuall with them to be bribed on the one side, and then to 
take a fee of the other : to plead weakely, and to be bribed 
and rebribed on the one side, then to be feed and refeed of 
the other, till at length, per varios casus, by putting the case 
so often, they make their client so lanke, that they may case 
them 5 vp in a combe case, and pack them home from the 
tearme, as though he had trauelled to London to sell his 
horse onely, and hauing lost their fleeces, Hue afterward 
like poore shorne sheepe. 

Furor. The Gods aboue that know great Furors fame, 
And do adore grand poet Furors name : 
Granted long since at heauens high parliament, 1655 

That who so Furor shal immortalize, 
No yawning goblins shall frequent his graue, 
Nor any bold presumptuous curr shall dare 
To lifte his legge against his sacred dust. 
Where ere I [leave 6 ] my rymes, thence vermin fly 1660 

1 'all/ MS. 2 'cogis,'MS. 3 ' by,' MS. 4 ' slight,' MS. 

5 ' might case him/ MS. 6 ' haue,' edits. 



J34 ^J* l&eturru [ACUV. 

All, sailing that foule fac'd vermin pouerty. 

This sucks the eggs of my inuention : 

Euacuates my witts full pigeon house. 

Now may it please thy generous dignity, 

To take this vermin napping as he lyes, 1665 

In the true trappe of liberallity : 

He cause the Pleiades to giue thee thanks, 

He write thy name within the sixteenth spheare : 

He make the Antarticke pole to kisse thy toa, 

And CintJiia to do homage to thy tayle. 1670 

Sir Rad. Pretious coles, thou a man of worship and 
Justice too ? It's euen so, he is ether a madde man or a 
coniurer : it were well if his words were examined, to see if 
they be the Queenes [frcndcs] or no. 

PJiant. Nunc si nos and is vt qni es diuinus Apollo, 
Die milii, qui nwnmos 11011 Jiabct vnde petat^ 1676 

Amor. I am stil haunted with these needy [Lattinists; 
fellow, 1 ] the best counsell I can giue, is to be gone. 

PJian. Quod pc to da Caic, non pcto consilium. 

Am. Fellow lookc to your braines ; you arc mad ; you 
are mad. 1681 

PJian. Scmcl insaniuimns omues. 

Am. Maister Recorder, is it not a shame that a gallant 
cannot walke the streete for [these] needy fellowes, and 
that, after there is a statute come out against begging? 

He strikes his brest. 

Pliant. Pec tor a per ens sit, pcctns qnoque rob or a finnt. 

Rccor. I warrant you, they are some needy graduates : 
the Vniuersity breakes winde twise a yeare, and lets flie 
such as these are. 1689 

Ing. So ho maister Recorder, you that are one of the 

1 ' Lattinist fellowes/ edits. 



sc. 2 .] from perna00u& 135 

Diuels fellow commoners, one that sizeth [in] the Deuils 
butteries, sinnes and periuries very lauishly : one that art 
so deare to Lucifer , that he neuer puts you out of commons 
for non paiment : you that Hue like a sumner vpon the 
sinnes of the people : you whose vocation serues to enlarge 
the territories of Hell, that (but for you) had beene no bigger 
then a paire of Stockes or a Pillorie : you that hate a 
scholler, because he descries your Asses eares : you that are 
a plague l stuffed Cloake-bagge of all iniquitie, which the 
grand Seruing-man of Hell will one day trusse vp behind 
him, and carry to his smokie Warde-robe. 1701 

Recor. What frantick fellow art thou, that art possest 
with the spirit of malediction ? 

Furor. Vile muddy clod of base vnhallowed clay, 
Thou slimie sprighted vnkinde Saracen : 1705 

When thou wert borne dame Nature cast her Calfe, 
Forrage and time [hath 2 ] made thee a great Oxe, 
And now thy grinding iawes deuoure quite, 
The fodder due to vs of heauenly spright. 

Phant. Nefasto te posuit die quictmque pritmim et sacri- 

lega manu 1710 

Produxit arbos in nepotum perniciem obpropriumqiie pagi 3 . 

Ingeni. I pray you Monseiur Ploidon, of what Vniuersitie 
was the first Lawyer of, none forsooth, for your Lawe is 
ruled by reason, and not by Arte : great reason indeed that 
a Ploydenist should bee mounted on a trapt Palfrey, with 
a round Veluet dish on his head, to keepe warme the broth 
of his witte, and a long Gowne, that makes him looke like 
a Cedant arina togte, whilest the poore Aristotelians walke 
in a shorte cloake and a close Venetian hoase, hard by the 
Oyster-wife : and the silly Poet goes muffled in his Cloake to 
escape the Counter. And you Maister Amoretto, that art 
the chiefe Carpenter of Sonets, a priuileged Vicar for the 

1 'plaine/MS. 2 'had,' edits. 3 'pugi,' edits. 



136 <Et)e l&eturne [Activ. 

lawlesse marriage of Inke and Paper, you that are good for 
nothing but to commend in a sette speach, [the colour and 
quantitie T ] of your Mistresses stoole, and sweare it is most 
sweete Ciuet : it's fine when that Puppet-player Fortune, 
must put such a Birchen-lane post in so good a suite, [and 
suite] such an Asse in so goode fortune. 

Amor. Father shall I draw? 1729 

5. Rad. No sonne, keepe thy peace, and hold the 
peace. 

Inge. Nay do not draw, least you chance to bepisse your 
credit. 

Furor. Flcctcre si ncquco snperos, Cheronta mouebo. 
Fearefull Mcgccra with her snakie twine, 1735 

Was cursed dam vnto thy damned selfe : 
And Ilircan tigers in the desert Rockes, 
Did foster vp thy loathed hatefull life, 
Base Ignorance the ~ wicked cradle rockt, 
Vile Barbarisme was wont to dandle thee : 1740 

Some wicked hell-hound tutored thy youth, 
And all the grisly sprights of griping hell, 
With mumming [lookcs have :; J dogd thee since thy birth : 
Sec how the spirits do houer ore thy head, 
As thick as gnattcs in summer euening tide, 1745 

Balcfull A Ice to. prcethe stay a while, 
Till with my verses I haue rackt his soule : 
And when thy soule departs a Cock [may't 4 ] be, 
No blankc at all in hells great Lotterie. 
Shame [sit and howle 5 ] vpon thy loathed graue, 1750 
And howling vomit vp in filthy guise, 
The hidden stories of thy villanies. 

vS. Rad. The Deuill my maisters, the deuill in the 
likenesse of a Poet, away my maisters, away. [Exit. 

1 'to colour the quantity,' edits. 2 'thy,' suggested by Malone. 

3 'looke hath,' edits. 4 'may,' edits. 5 ' sits and howles,' edits. 



.] from ^rna00ug+ 137 



Phan. Arma virumque cano^ 1755 

Quern ftigis ah demens ? 

Amor. Base dog, it is not the custome in Italy to draw 
vpon euery idle cur that barkes, and did it stand with 
my reputation : oh, well go too, thanke my Father for 
your Hues. 1760 

Ing. Fond gul, whom I would vndertake to bastinado 
quickly, though there were a musket planted in thy mouth, 
are not you the yong drouer of liuings Academico told me 
of, that ha[u]nts steeple faires. Base worme must thou 
needes discharge thy craboun l to batter downe the walles 
of learning. 1766 

Amor. I thinke I haue committed some great sinne 
against my Mistris, that I am thus tormented with notable 
villaines : bold pesants I scorne [them], I scorne them. 

Furor to Recor. Nay pray thee good sweet diuell do not 
thou part, 1770 

I like an honest deuill that will shew 
Himselfe in a true hellish smoky hew : 
How like thy snowt is to great Lucifers ! 
Such tallents had he, such a glaring 2 eye, 
And such a cunning slight in viilanie. 1775 

Recor. Oh the impudencie of this age, and if I take you 
in my quarters. 

Furor. Base slaue ile hang thee on a crossed rime, 
And quarter [ ] 

Ing. He is gone, Fur or > stay thy fury. 1780 

S. Rod. Pag. I pray you gentlemen giue 3. groats for 

a shilling. 

Amo. Pag. What wil you giue me for a good old sute 

of apparell ? 

Phan. Habet et muse a splenem, et formica sua bilis inest. 

1 ' crabbyanne,' MS. 2 ' gleering,' B. 



138 <&lt l&eturne [Activ. 

Ing. Gramercie good lads : this is our share in hap- 
pinesse, to torment the happy : lets walke a long and laugh 
at the iest, its no staying here long, least Sir Radericks^ 
army of baylifes and clownes be sent to apprehend vs. 

Phan. Procul hinc, procul ite prophani. 1790 

He lash [Apolles 2 ] selfe with Jerking hand, 
Vnlesse he pawne his wit to buy me land : 



ACT:. 4. SCEN. 3. 
BuRBAGE 3 . KEMPE. 

Bur. Now Will Kempe, if we can intertaine these 
schollers at a low rate, it wil be well, they haue often 
times a good conceitc in a part. 1795 

Kcmpe. Its true indecde, honest Dick, but the slaues are 
somewhat proud, and besides, it is a good sport in a 
part, to see them ncucr speakc in their walke, but at the 
end of the stage, iust as though in walking with a fellow 
we should ncucr speakc but at a stile, a gate, or a ditch, 
where a man can go no further. I was once at a Comedie 
in Cambridge, and there I saw a parasite make faces and 
mouths of all sorts on this fashion. 

Bur. A little teaching will mend these faults, and it may 
bee besides they will be able to pen a part. 1805 

Kemp. Few of the vniuersity [men] pen plaies well, they 
smell too much of that writer Otiid, and that writer Meta 
morphosis, and talke too much of Proserpina & luppiter. 
Why heres our fellow Shakespeare puts them all downe, I 
and Ben lonson too. O that Ben lonson is a pestilent fellow, 
he brought vp Horace giuing the Poets a pill, but our fellow 
Shakespeare hath giuen him a purge that made him beray 
his credit : 1813 

1 ' Randall's, MS. 2 ' Apollon,' edits. 3 Burbidge,' MS. 



sc.3.] from $rnagu&. 139 

Bur. Its a shrewd fellow indeed : I wonder these schollers 
stay so long, they appointed to be here presently that we 
might try them : oh here they come. 

Stud. Take heart, these lets our clouded thoughts 

refine, 
The sun shines brightest when it gins decline. 

Bur. M. Phil, and M. Stud. God saue you. 

Kemp. M. Phil, and M. Otioso 1 well met. 1820 

Phil. The same to you good M. Burbage. What M. 
Kempe how doth the Emperour of Germany ? 

Stud. God saue you M. Kempe: welcome M. Kempe 
from dancing the morrice ouer the Alpes, 1824 

Kemp. Well you merry knaues you may come to the 
honor of it one day, is it not better to make a foole of the 
world as I haue done, then to be fooled of the world, as you 
schollers are ? But be merry my lads, you haue happened 
vpon the most excellent vocation in the world for money : 
they come North and South to bring it to our playhouse, 
and for honours, who of more report, then Dick Burbage & 
Will: Kempe, he is not counted a Gentleman, that knowes 
not Dick Burbage & Wil Kemp, there's not a country 
wench tha[t] 2 can dance Sellengers Round but can talke of 
Dick Bzirbage and Will Kempe. 1835 

Phil. Indeed M. Kempe you are very famous, but that is 
as well for [your] workes in print as your part in [que 3 ]. 

Kempe. You are at Cambridge still with [size que 4 ] and 
be lusty humorous poets, you must vntrusse, I [made 5 ,] this 
my last circuit, purposely because I would be iudge of your 
actions. 1841 

Bur. M. Stud. I pray you take some part in this booke 
and act it, that I may see what will fit you best, I thinke 

1 ' Studioso,' MS. 2 'than,' edits. 3 <kne,' edits., for <kue.' 

* ' sice kne,' edits. 5 ' road,' edits. 



140 IC&e IBUturne 



your voice would serue for Hieronimo, obserue how I act it 
and then imitate mee. 1845 

Stud. Who call[s] Hieronimo from his naked bed ? 
And, &c. 

Bur. You will do well after a while. 

Kemp. Now for you, [Mr. Philo] me thinkes you should 
belong to my tuition, and your face me thinkes would be 
good for a foolish Mayre or a foolish Justice of peace : 
marke me. -- Forasmuch as there be two states of a 
common wealth, the one of peace, the other of tranquility : 
two states of warre, the one of discord, the other of dissen- 
tion : two states of an incorporation, the one of the 
Aldermen, the other of the Brethren : two states of magis 
trates, the one of gouerning, the other of bearing rule, now, 
as I said euen now, for a good thing, thing cannot be said 
too often : Vertue is the shooinghorne of iustice, that 
is, vcrtue is the shooinghorne of doing well, that is, 
vertue is the shooinghorne of doing iustly, it behooueth 
mee and is my part to commend this shooinghorne vnto 
you. I hope this word shooinghorne doth not offend any 
of you my worshipfull brethren, for you beeing the worship- 
full headsmen of the towne, know well what the home 
meaneth. Now therefore I am determined not onely to teach 
but also to instruct, not oncly the ignorant, but also the 
simple, not onely what is their duty towards their betters, 
but also what is their dutye towards their superiours : come 
let mee see how 1 you can doe, sit downe in the chaire. 1870 

Phil. Forasmuch as there be. &c. 

Kemp. Thou wilt do well in time, if thou wilt be ruled by 
thy betters, that is by my selfe. and such graue Aldermen of 
the playhouse as I am. 

Bur. I like your face, and the proportion of your body 

1 ' what,' MS. 



sc. 3 .] from 

for Richard the 3. I pray M. Phil, let me see you act a 
little of it. 1877 

Phil. Now is the winter of our discontent, 
Made glorious summer by the sonne of Yorke, 

Bur. Very well I assure you, well M. Phil, and M. Stud. 
wee see what ability you are of: I pray walke with vs to 
our fellows, and weele agree presently. 

Phil. We will follow you straight M. Burbage. 

Kempe. Its good manners to follow vs, Maister Phil, and 
Maister Otioso 1 . 1885 

Phil. And must the basest trade yeeld vs reliefe? 
Must we be practis'd to those leaden spouts, 
That nought [doe 2 ] vent but what they do receiue? 
Some fatall fire hath scorcht our fortunes wing, 
And still we fall, as we do vpward spring : 1890 

As we striue vpward to the vaulted skie, 
We fall and feele our hatefull destiny. 

Stud. Wonder it is sweet friend thy pleading breath, 
So like the sweet blast of the southwest wind, 
Melts not those rockes of yce, those mounts of woe, 
Congeald in frozen hearts of men below. 1896 

Phil. Wonder as well thou maist why mongst the waues, 
Mongst the tempestuous [surges of the 3 ] sea, 
The [waiting 4 ] Marchant can no pitty craue. 
What cares the wind and weather for their paines? 1900 
One strikes 5 the sayle, another turnes the same, 
He [slacks 6 ] the maine, an other takes the Ore, 
An other laboureth and taketh paine, 
To pumpe the sea into the sea againe. 
Still they take paines, still the loud windes do blowe, 
Till the ships prouder mast be layd belowe: 1906 

1 ' Studioso,' MS. 2 c downe,' edits. 3 ' waves on raging,' edits. 

4 ' waiting,' edits. 5 ' strikss,' A. 6 ' shakes,' edits. 



143 ) urne Activ. s c . 3 . 



Fond world that nere thinkes on that aged man, 
That Ariostoes old swift paced man, 
Whose name is Tyme, who neuer lins to run, 
Loaden with bundles of decayed names, 1910 

The which in Lethes lake he doth intombe, 
Saue onely those which swanlike schollers take, 
And doe deliuer from that greedy lake. 
Inglorious may they Hue, inglorious die, 
That suffer learning Hue in misery. 1915 

Phil. What caren they, what fame 1 their ashes haue, 
When once thei'r coopt vp in silent graue ? 

Stud. If for faire fame they hope not when they dye, 
Yet let them feare graues stayning Infamy. 

P/iil. Their spendthrift heires will [all] those firebrands 
quench 1920 

Swaggering full moistly on a tauernes bench. 

Stud. No shamed sire for all his glosing heire, 
Must long be talkt of in the empty ayre. 

Stud. Bclccue me thou that art my second selfe, 
My vexed soulc is not disquieted, 1925 

For that I misse [th]is gaudy painted state, 
Whereat my fortunes fairely aim'd of late. 
For what am I, the meanest of many mo, 
That earning profit are repaide with wo? 
But this it is that doth my soule torment, 1930 

To thinke so many actiueable wits, 
That might contend with proudest birds of Po, 
Sits now immur'd within their priuate cells, 
Drinking a long lank watching candles smoake, 
Spending the marrow of their flowring age, 1935 

In fruitelesse poring on some worme eate leafe : 
When their deserts shall seeme of due to claime, 
A cheerfull crop of fruitfull swelling sheafe, 

1 'forme,' MS. 



Actv. sc. i.] from Perna0gfu& 143 

Cockle their haruest is, and weeds their graine \ 
Contempt their portion their possession paine : 1940 

Stiid. Schollers must frame to Hue at a low sayle, 

Phil. Ill sayling where there blowes no happy gale. 

Stud. Our ship is ruin'd, all her 2 tackling rent. 

Phil. And all her gaudy furniture is spent. 

Stud. Teares be the waues whereon her ruines bide. 

Phil. And sighes the windes that wastes her broken 
side. 1946 

Stud. Mischiefe the Pilot is the ship to steare. 

Phil. And Wo the passenger this ship doth beare. 

Stud. Come Philomusus, let vs breake this chat, 

Phil. And breake my heart, oh would I could breake 
that. J 9S O 

Stud. Lets learne to act that Tragick part we haue. 

Phil. Would I were silent actor in my graue. 



4CTUS 5. SCENA 1. 
PHIL, and STUD, become Fidlers with their consort. 

Phil. And tune fellow Fiddlers, Studioso & I are 
ready. [They tune. 

Stud, (going aside sayeth.} Fayre fell 3 good Orpheus, that 

would rather be 

King of a mole hill, then a Keysars slaue : 1955 

Better it is mongst fidlers to be chiefe, 
Then at [a] plaiers trencher beg reliefe. 
But ist not strange [these 4 ] mimick apes should prize 
Vnhappy Schollers at a hireling rate. 

1 'gaine/ MS. 3 ' and our,' MS. 3 'fall/ MS. * 'this/ edits. 



144 ^&e l&eturiu [Actv. &. i. 

Vile world, that lifts them vp to hye degree, 1960 

And treades vs downe in groueling misery. 
England affordes those glorious vagabonds, 
That carried earst their fardels on their backes, 
Coursers to ride on through the gazing streetes, 
Sooping it in their glaring Satten sutes, 1965 

And Pages to attend their maisterships : 
With mouthing words that better wits haue framed, 
They purchase lands, and now Esquiers are [namde 1 ]. 

Phil. What ere they seeme being euen at the best, 
They are but sporting fortunes scornfull [iest 2 ]. 1970 

Sttid. So merry fortune is wont from ragges to take, 
[A 3 ] ragged grome, and him [a 3 ] gallant make. 

Phil. The world and fortune hath playd on vs too long. 
Stud. Now to the world we fiddle must a song. 

Phil. Our life is a playne song with cunning pend, 
Whose highest pitch in lowest base doth end. 1976 

But see our fcllowes vnto play are bent : 
If not our mindes, Ictts tune our instruments 4 . 

Stud. Letts in a priuate song our cunning try, 
Before we sing to stranger company. 1980 

PHIL, sings. T/ie 5 tune. 

How can he sing whose voycc is hoarse with care? 
How can he play whose heart stringes broken are? 
How can he keepe his rest that nere found rest? 
How can he keepe his time whome time nere blest ? 
Onely he can in sorrow beare a parte, 1985 

With vntaught hand, and with vntuned hart. 
Fond arts farewell, that swallowed haue my youth. 
Adew vayne muses, that haue wrought my ruth. 

1 ' made,' edits, 2 ' jests,' edits. 3 ' some some,' edits. * ' instru 
ment,' B. 5 ' They,' B. 



sc. 2.] from $enta#0u& H5 

Repent fond syre that traynd'st thy happlesse sonne, 
In learnings loare since bounteous almes are done. 1990 
Cease, cease harsh tongue, vntuned musicke rest : 
Intombe thy sorrowes in thy hollow breast. 

Stud. Thankes Phil, for thy pleasant song : 
Oh had this world a tutch of iuster griefe, 
Hard rockes would weepe for want of our releife. 1995 

Phil. The cold of wo hath quite vntun'd my voyce, 
And made it too too harsh for listining eare: 
Time was in time of my young fortunes spring, 
I was a gamesome boy and learned to sing. 

But say fellow musitians, you know best whether we go 
at what dore must we imperiously beg. 2001 

lack. fid. Here dwells Sit Roderick 1 and his sonne: it 
may be now at this good time of Newyeare he will be 
liberall, let vs stand neere and drawe. 

Phil. Draw callest thou it, indeed it is the most desperate 
kinde of seruice that euer I aduentured on. 2006 



ACT. 5. SCENA 2. 

Enter the two Pages. 

Sir Rad. pa. My maister bidds me tell you that he is 
but newly fallen a sleepe, and you [forsooth] base slaues 
must come and disquiet him : what neuer a basket of 
Capons ? masse, and if he comes, heele commit you all. 

Amor. Pag. Sirra Iack> shall you and I play Sir 
Roderick 1 and Amoretto, and reward these fiddlers. He 
[play] my maister Amoretto, and giue them as much as he 
vseth. 2014 

Sir Rad. \_page\. And I my old maister Sir Roderick 1 : 
fiddlers play : lie reward you, fayth I will. 

1 'Randall/ MS. 
L 



146 ^t l&eturne [ACIV. 

Amor. pag. Good fayth this pleaseth my sweete mistres 
admirably : cannot you play twytty twatty foole, or to be at 
her, to be at her. 2019 

Rad. pag. Haue you neuer a song of maister Dowlands 
making ? 

Am. pag. Or Hos ego versiculos fed &c. A pox on it, 
my maister Am. vseth it very often. I haue forgotten the 
verse. 2024 

Rad. pag. [Sirrha Amoretto 1 ] : here are a couple of 
fellowes brought before me, and I know not how to decide 
the cause, looke in my Christmas booke [which of them 2 ] 
brought me a present. 

Am. pag. On New-yeares day goodman Foole brought 
you a present, but goodman Clowne brought you none. 

Rad. pag. Then the right is on goodman fooles side. 

Am. pag. My mistres is so sweete, that al the Phisitions 
in the towne cannot make her stinck, she neuer goes to the 
stoole, oh she is a most sweete little munkey. Please your 
worship good father yonder are some would speake with 
you. 2036 

Rad. pag. What haue they brought me any thing, if they 
haue not, say I take Phisick. 

Forasmuch fiddlers, as I am of the peace, I must needs 
loue all weapons and instruments, that are for the peace, 
among which I account your fiddles, because they can 
neither bite nor scratch, marry now finding your fiddles to 
iarre, and knowing that iarring is a cause of breaking the 
peace, I am by the vertue of my office and place to commit 
your quarelling fiddles to close prisonment in their cases. 

They call within. 

[What] 3 ho Richard, lack. 2046 

Am. Page. The foole within, marres our play without. 

1 ' Sir Theon,' edits. - ' who,' edits. 3 ' sha/ edits. 



sc. 2.] from ^erna0u0. 147 

Fiddlers set it on my head, I vse to size my musicke, or go 
on the score for it, He pay it at the quarters end. 

Rad. Page. Farewell good Pan, sweete [fsmemas 1 ] adieu, 
Don Orpheus a thousand times farewell. 2051 

lack Fid. You swore you would pay vs for our musick. 

Rad. page. For that He giue Maister Recorders law, and 
that is this, there is a double oath, a formall oath, and 
a materiall oath : a materiall oath cannot be broken, the 
formall oath may be broken, I swore formally: farewell 
Fidlers. 2057 

Phil. Farewell good wags, whose wits praise worth I 

deeme, 
Though somewhat waggish, so we all haue beene. 

Stud. Faith fellow Fidlers, heres no siluer found in this 
place, no not so much as the vsuall Christmas entertain 
ment of Musitians, a black lack of Beare, and a Christmas 
Pye. They walke aside from their fellow es. 

Phil. Where ere we in the wide world playing be, 
Misfortune beares a part 2 , and marres our melody, 
Impossible to please with Musickes straine, 2066 

Our hearts strings [broke will nere be 3 ] tun'd againe. 

Stud. Then let vs leaue this baser ndling trade, 
For though our purse should mend, our credit fades. 

Phil. Full glad I am to see thy mindes free course, 
Declining from this trencher waiting trade. 
Well may I now disclose in plainer guise, 
What earst I meant to worke in secret wise : 
My busie conscience checkt my guilty soule, 
For seeking maintenance by base vassallage, 2075 

1 'Irenias? edits. 2 ' misfortune howles,' MS. 3 ' broken are nere 

to be,' edits. 

L 1 



148 %^t l&eturne [Actv. 

And then suggested to my searching 1 thought, 

A shepheards poore secure contented life, 

On which since then I doted euery houre, 

And meant this same houre 2 in sadder plight, 

To haue stolne from thee in secrecie 3 of night. 2080 

[Stud.*\ Deare friend thou seem'st to wrong my soule 5 

too much, 

Thinking that Studioso would account, 
That fortune sowre, which thou accomptest sweete, 
Nor any life to me can sweeter be, 
Then happy swaines in plaine of Arcady. 2085 

Phil. Why then letts both go spend our little store, 
In the prouision of due furniture : 
A shepards hooke, a tarbox and a scrippe. 
And hast vnto those shecpe adorned hills, 
Where if not blesse our fortunes we may blesse our 
wills. 2090 

StudS' True mirth we may enioy in thacked stall, 
Nor hoping higher rise, nor fearing lower fall. 

Phil} Weele therefore discharge these fidlers. Fellow 
musitions, wee are sory that it hath beenc your ill happe to 
haue had vs in your company, that are nothing but scritch- 
owles, and night Rauens, able to marre the purest melody : 
and besids, our company is so ominous, that where we are, 
thence liberality is packing, our resolution is therefore to 
wish you well, and to bidde you farewell. 

8 Come Stud: let vs hast away, 2100 

Returning neare to this accursed place 9 . 

1 'secret,' MS. 2 'the same how ere,' MS. 3 'in secret time,' MS. 

4 Inserted correctly in B and in MS. 5 ' love, MS. 6 Part of 

Philomusus' speech in the MS. 7 ' Stud.,' MS. 8 ' Philo,' MS. 

9 ' this unhappy baye,' MS. 



sc. 3,4-] from $rnag0u& 149 

ACTUS 5. SCENA 3. 
Enter INGENIOSO, ACADEMICO. 

Inge. Faith Academico^ it's the feare of that fellow, I 
meane the signe of the seargeants head, that makes me to 
be so hasty 1 to be gone : to be briefe Academico, writts are 
out for me, to apprehend me for my playes, and now I am 
bound for the He of doggs. Furor and Phantasma comes 
after, remoouing the campe as fast as they can : farewell, mea 
si quid vota valebunt. 2108 

Ac ad. Fayth Ingenioso : I thinke the Vniuersity is a 
melancholik life, for there a good fellow cannot sit two 
howres in his chamber, but he shall be troubled with the bill 
of a [Draper 2 ] or a Vintner : but the point is, I know not 
how to better my selfe, and so I am fayne to take it. 



ACT. 5. SCEN. 4. 
PHIL. STUD. FUROR, PHANT. 

Phil. Who haue we there, Ingenioso, and Academicot 

Stud. The verye same, who are those, Furor and 

Phantasma ? FUROR takes a louse off his sleeue. 

Furor. And art thou there six footed Mercury? 

Phan. (with his hand in his bosomed) Are rymes become 

such creepers now a dayes? 

Presumptuous louse, that doth good manners lack, 
Daring to creepe vpon Poet Ftirors back : 
Multum^ refert quibuscum vixeris. 2120 

Non videmus Manticce quod in tergo est. 

1 ' hastely,' MS. 2 Drawer,' edits. 3 ' Multi,' MS. 



150 Cije XUturiu [Actv. 

Phil. What Furor and Phan. too, our old colledge 
fellowes, let vs incounter them all. Ing: Acad. Ftiror. 
Phantasma. God saue you all. 

Stud. What Ingen. Acad. Fitror. Phantasma : howe do 
you braue lads. 2026 

Ing. What our deere friends Phil, and Stud. ? 

Acad. What our old friends Phil, and Stud.? 

Fur. What my supernaturall friends? 

\Phant. What my good phantasticall frends ?] 

Ing. What newes with you in this quarter of the Citty ? 

Phil. We haue run through many trades, yet thriue by 

none 

Poore in content, and onely rich in moane, 
A shcphards life thou knowst I wont to admire, 
Turning a Cambridge apple by the fire. 2135 

To Hue in humble dale we now arc bent, 
Spending our daycs in fcarclcsse merriment. 

Stud. Wccl teach each tree cucn of the hardest ! kind, 
To kccpc our wocfull name within their rinde : 
Wcel watch our flock, and yet weclc slecpe withall. 
Weelc tune our sorrowcs to the waters fall, 2141 

The woods and rockcs with our shrill songs weele blesse, 
Let them proue kind since men proue pittilesse. 
But say whether are you and your company iogging : it 
scemes by your apparell you are about to wander. 2145 

Ing. Faith we are fully bent to be Lords of misrule in 
the worlds wide [hall 2 ] ; our voyage is to the He of Dogges, 
there where the blattant 3 beast doth rule and raigne Renting 
the credit of whom it please 4 . 

Where serpents tongs the pen men are to write, 2150 
Where cats 5 do waule by day, dogges [barke] by night : 

1 'knottiest,' MS. 2 'heath,' edits. 3 ' barcking,' MS. * 'whom 

ere he please,' MS. 5 'goates,' MS. 



sc. 4 .] from pernaggug* 151 

There shall engoared venom be my inke, 

My pen a sharper quill of porcupine, 

My stayned paper, this sin loaden earth : 

There will I write in lines shall neuer die, 2155 

Our feared Lordings crying villany. 

Phil. A gentle wit thou hadst, nor is it blame, 
To turne so tart for time hath wronged the same, 

Stu. And well thou dost from this fond earth to flit, 
Where most mens pens are hired parasites. 2160 

Aca. Go happily, I wish thee store of gal, 
Sharpely to wound the guilty world withall : 

Phil. But say, what shall become of Furor and Phan 
tasm a ? 

Ing. These my companions still with mee must wend, 
Aca. Fury and Fansie on good wits attend. 2165 

Fur. When I arriue within the ile of Doggs, 
Don Phoebus I will make thee kisse the pumpe. 
Thy one eye pries in euery Drapers stall, 
Yet neuer thinkes on poet Fttrors neede : 
Furor is lowsie, great Furor lowsie is, 2170 

Ile make thee run this lowsie case I wis. 
And thou my [sluttish 1 ] landresse Cinthia, 
Nere thinkes on Furors linnen, Furors shirt: 
Thou and thy squirting boy Endimion, 
Lies slauering still vpon a lawlesse couch. 2175 

Furor will haue thee carted through the dirt, 
That makest great poet Ftiror want his shirt. 

Inge. Is not here a [true 2 ] dogge that dare barke so 
boldly at the Mooone 3 . 

Phil. Exclayming want and needy care and carke, 
Would make the mildest spright to bite and barke. 

1 ' cluttish,' edits. 2 'trus,' edits. 3 Sic. 



152 <3rf)0 ISUturne [Act v. 

Phan. Canes timidi vehementius latrant. There are 
certaine burrs in the He of doggs called in our English 
tongue, men of. worship, certaine briars as the Indians call 
them, as we say certayne lawyers, certayne great lufnps of 
earth, as the Ar\a\bians call them, certayne grosers as wee 
tearme them, quos ego sed motos prczstat componere fluctus. 

Inge. We three vnto the 1 snarling Hand hast, 
And there our vexed breath in snarling wast. 2189 

Phil. We will be gone vnto the downes of Kent, 
Sure footing we shall find in humble dale : 
Our fleecy flocke weel Icarne to watch and warde, 
In lulyes heate and cold of January : 
Weel chant our woes vpon an oaten reede, 
Whiles bleating flock vpon their supper feede : 2195 

Stud. So shall we shun the company of men, 
That growcs more hatefull as the world growes old, 
Weel teach the murmering brookes in tears to flow : 
And stccpy rockc to wayle our passed wo. 

Acad. Adcw you gentle spirits, long adcw : 2200 

Your witts I loue and your ill fortunes rue : 
He hast me to my Cambridge cell againc, 
My fortunes cannot wax but they may waine. 

Inge. Adew good sheppards, happy may you line, 
And if heereafter in some secret shade, 2205 

You shall recount poore schollers miseries, 
Vouchsafe to mention with [teare 2 ] swelling eyes, 
Ingeniosoes thwarting destinyes, 
And thou still happy Acadcmico, 

That still maist rest vpon the muses bed, 2210 

Inioying there a quiet slumbering, 
When thou repay [r]est vnto thy Grantaes streame, 
Wonder at thine owne blisse, pitty our case, 

1 ' We thereunto that,' MS. 2 ' teares,' edits. 



sc. 4 .] from perna00u& 153 

That still [doe 1 ] tread ill fortunes endless maze. 

Wish them that are preferments Almoners, 2215 

To cherish gentle wits in their greene bud : 

For had not Cambridge bin to me vnkinde, 

I had not turn'd to gall a milkye minde. 

Phil. I wish thee of good hap a plentious store, 
Thy wit deserues no lesse, my loue can wish no more. 
Farewell, farewell good Academico. 2221 

Neuer maist thou tast of our forepassed woe. 
Wee wish thy fortunes may attaine their due : 
Furor and you Phantasma both adue. 

Acad. Farewell, farewell, farewell, o long farewell, 
The rest my tongue conceales, let sorrow tell, 2226 

Phan. Et longum vale., inquit lola. 

Furor. Farewell my masters, Furor 's a masty dogge, 
Nor can with a smooth glozing farewell cog. 
Nought can great Furor do, but barke and howle, 
And snarle and grin, and [lowre, and lugge 2 ] the world, 
Like a great swine by his long leane card 3 lugges. 
Farewell musty, dusty, rusty, fusty London, 
Thou art not worthy of great Furors wit, 
That cheatest vertue of her due desert, 2235 

And sufferest great Apolloes sonne to want. 

Inge. Nay stay a while and helpe me to content : 
So many gentle witts attention, 
Who [kenne 4 ] the lawes of euery comick stage, 
And [wonder 5 ] that our scene ends discontent. 2240 

Ye ayrie witts subtill, 

Since that few schollers fortunes are content, 
Wonder not if our scene ends 6 discontent. 
When that our 7 fortunes reach their due 8 content, 
Then shall our scene end in her 9 merriment. 2245 

1 ' doth,' edits. 2 ' carle , and towze,' edits. 3 'leverd.'MS. * 'kennes,' 
edits. 5 'wonders,' edits. 6 'end,' B. 7 B. 'your,' A. and MS. 

8 ' owne,' MS. 9 ' here in,' B. 



154 'JEfie l&eturne from 

Phil. Perhaps some happy wit with feeling hand, 
Hereafter may recorde the pastorall 
Of the two schollers of 1 Pernassus hill, 
And then our scene may end and haue content. 

Inge. Meane time if there be any spightfull Ghost, 
That smiles to see poore schollers misery 2 2251 

Cold is his charity, his wit too dull, 
We scorne his censure, he is a ieering gull. 
But whatsoere refined sprights there be, 
That deepely grone at our Calamity: 2255 

Whose breath is turned to sighes, whose eys are wet, 
To see bright arts bent to their latest set : 
Whence 3 neuer they againe their heads shall reere, 
To blesse our art disgracing hemispheere. 

Ing. Let them. / 

I All glue vs a 
Fur. Let them. { 

I plaudite. 
Phan. Let them. V 

Acad. And none but them. 
Phil. And none but them. 
Stud. And none but them. 

J 'to,'MS. 3 ' miseries,' B and MS. ''where,' MS. 



FINIS. 



NOTES. 



Page 5. 1. i^i.Jack Seton. John Seton, a Fellow of St. John's College, Chap 
lain to Bishop Gardiner, and Canon of Winchester, but one who was deprived 
of his preferments as a recusant on the accession of Queen Elizabeth, wrote a 
treatise on Logic, on Aristotelian lines, which was for some years the recog 
nised text-book at Cambridge. While the treatise of Ramus, the anti-Aristo 
telian (whose system was eagerly adopted by Calvinistic Protestants, partly 
because its author was a Calvinist), was the favourite book with the New 
School, the men of the Old School adhered to Seton. 

' Thomas Dranta,' in prefixing encomiastic verses to an edition of Seton by 
P. Carter in 1577, is careful at the same time to give special praise to Ramus 
as the popular teacher at that time. 

5. 137. Pacius. Julius Pacius (born at Vicenza in 1550, died in 1635) 
wrote a treatise on Logic ' in usum Scholae Sedanensis.' 

5. 138. Carterus. Peter Carter, Fellow of St. John's College (living in 
1577), wrote annotations on the Dialectica of his brother collegian Seton, 
which were often printed with it ; but to understand the allusion in the text to 
his vindication of Pacius would probably require such an acquaintance with 
their respective treatises as ne vaut pas la chandelle, at least to the present 
Editor. 



8. 212-3. John Marston published one of his volumes of Satyres in 1598 
under the name of W. Kinsayder. Thomas Lodge's Fig for Momus was 
published in 1595 ; Thomas Bastard's Chrestoleros : seven bookes of Epigrams 
in 1598 ; and Richard Lichfield's Trimming of Thomas Nashe in 1597. 

8. 223; 30. 141. Posts were used as hoardings for the exhibition of placards 
of all kinds, play- bills, &c., in the Elizabethan time as in the nineteenth century. 

9.244;11.325. Ramus. Peter Ramus first published his system of logic 
in 1543. See the note to Seton, supra. Ramus was murdered in the massacre 
on St. Bartholomew's day, 1572. 

10. 299. Muretus. The reference is to the well-known commentaries of 
Marc. Ant. Fr. Muretus on the Rhetoric of Aristotle. Muretus died in 1585. 

10. 299, 300. B embus, Ascham. The Epistolae of Peter Bembus, a car 
dinal, and secretary (with Sadoletus) to Pope Leo X, who died in 1547, are 
the ' prettie notes ' which he is said to chirp, together with the like 'notes ' of 
Roger Ascham, the Latin secretary to three sovereigns, Edward VI, Mary, and 
Elizabeth, and Greek tutor to the last. 

Sadolet. Jac. Sadoletus, a cardinal, who died in 1547, wrot e a treatise 
De laudibus philosophiae, which was highly praised by Bembus. 

Haddon. Walter H addon, Professor of Law at Cambridge, who died in 
1572, wrote Orationes which were greatly esteemed for their style. 



156 

12. 366. Giles Wiggington, of Trinity College, was several times prose 
cuted and imprisoned for non-conformity, and was accused of being engaged 
with John Penry (the ' Mr. Martin ' of 1. 355) in writing the Martin Mar- 
prelate tracts. 

18. 549. Potato rootes. See Merry Wives of Windsor, v. 5. 

18. 562; 19. 572. Javel. Chrysost. Javel, a Dominican, who died about 
or after 1540, wrote a Compendium Logicae arfd several commentaries on 
Aristotle. 

Peter Tartoret, or Tataret, was a lecturer at Paris on Aristotle at 
the end of the fifteenth century, and his commentaries were several times 
printed. 

Toilet. Francis Tolet, a cardinal, born at Cordova in 1532, died in 
1596. He wrote Introductio ad Logicam. 

21. As the reference to 'Hobson' in 1. 638 is to a real person, the well- 
known Cambridge carrier, so no doubt ' hoste Johns of the Crowne ' and 
' Newman the cobler ' were real Cambridge characters equally well known in 
their time. The carrier 'Leonarde' of p. 26 and ' Simson the Tapster' of p. 42 
could also, we may believe, have answered to their names. 

22. 691. Jilt on the smock on Mundayc. A country dance tune. It is 
printed in Chappell's Popular Music of the Olden Time, i. 193. It appears from 
that valuable and interesting work that it was a tune of great popularity, and 
that for upwards of two hundred years it was the tune to which dying 
lamentations of criminals were usually chanted. 

25. 6. lambskins u'care ; the lambskin hood of the Bachelor of Arts. 

25. 8, 9. Plucked at Cambridge, the poor poet had to betake himself to 
Germany. "\Yere some German degrees supposed then to be as easily attain 
able as sometimes and in some places in more recent years, only not ' in ab 
sentia ' ? 

29. 113. Fortune my foe. This ballad is alluded to by Shakespeare, Merry 
Wives of Windsor, ii. 3. The air is printed in Chappell's Popular Music of 

the Olden Time, i. 162. 

30. 142. Dick Pinner. No such name of a publisher occurs in the 
Stationers' Hall Registers in the time of Queen Elizabeth or James I, as I am 
informed by the Editor of the Registers, Professor Arber. May Pinner have 
been only some well-known vendor at Cambridge of popular ballads and 
booklets ? 

31. 1 88. Three blinde beggars. This ballad is not mentioned in Chappell's 
Popular Mtisic. There is one called The Blind Beggar s Daughter, otherwise 
The Cripple, of which Mr. Chappell gives the history and the music at 

pp. 158-9 of his first volume. 

88.425. Balletmakcr dcccaste. Probably William Elderton, the 'drunken 
rhymer ' satirized by Bishop Hall, the date of whose death, however, is not 
known. 

42. 543. Ita est. The words used sometimes as the commencing words of 
the condition of a bond ; hence used in the text for the bond itself. 



157 

49. 757. Pedantius, one of the principal characters in the Latin comedy so 
entitled, which was acted at Trinity College before 1591, but was not printed 
until 1631, and of which the authorship is assigned to Matth. or Anth. 
Wingfield. 

51. 825. Captaine couragious, &c. This is the first line in the earliest 
version of the famous ballad of Mary Ambree, as given in Bp. Percy's Folio 
MS. The common version begins ' When capteins courageous whom death 
could not daunt.' 

Elderton, who is mentioned in the next line in the text, was certainly dead 
before this ballad was written. 

56. 981. Epigram made by a Cambridge man, one weaver fellow. This is 
no doubt an allusion to an epigram ' in obitum sepulcrum (sic} Gullionis ' in 
John Weaver's Epigrammes (ii. 21) 12. Lond. 1599. It begins * Here lies 
fat Gullio,' and describes him as one who had been hanged at Tyburn in 1598. 
That Weaver was a Cambridge man appears from references to * Granta ' in 
commendatory verses prefixed to his Epigrams. In Hall's Satires also there are 
lines (iii. 6) in ridicule of a ( thirstie Gullion ' beginning ' When Gullion dy'd 
(who knowes not Gullion ?) ' 

61. 1132. lorde Coulton. I cannot explain this allusion. May Coulton 
have been some keeper of a debtors' prison, who was jocularly styled ' lord ' ? 

61. 1144. The gibberish put as a pretended quotation from Ronsard in the 
mouth of the pretentious braggart appears to represent a proverbial saying 
Qui pecore se fa 
II loup la mangera. 
A prose version of the proverb is Qui sefait brebis le loup le mange. 

73. 1534. sonnets at there pales, scil., at their milking-pails. 'Sung to the 
wheele and sung unto the payle,' says Bp. Hall of Elderton's ballads, Sat. iv. 6. 

83. 188-9. These lines (from Tibullus, i. 4) are the motto on the title-page 
of both editions (1600 and 1610) of Bodenham's Bel-vedere ; and on that of the 
first edition there was the engraved device of the sun shining on a laurel, which 
is unfairly ridiculed in lines 195-7. 

98. The idea of this dialogue in question and answer with Echo is probably 
taken from a like dialogue in Book II of Sir P. Sidney's Arcadia. The quota 
tion of ' Jove's breakfast ' at p. 100, 1. 653 is probably from the same work. 

119. 1256. Probably the reference to a 'theme against common lawyers' is 
to some then well-known academical exercise at Cambridge, in which the form 
of learned disputation had been used as a vehicle for disguised satire. 



GLOSSARIAL INDEX OF WORDS. 



Alate, lately, 67. 1347. 

All-to-be = ail-to ; altogether, very 

much, 37. 371. 
Anchors, anchorites, 74. 1563. 'An 

anchor's cheer in prison,' Hamlet, 

iii. 2. 
Ayning-time, yeaning-time, 48. 738. 

Bastard, brown, a thick Spanish 
wine, 7. 203. 'Score a pint of bastard 
in the Half Moon,' i Hen. IV, iv. 2. 

Bear coals, to, to submit to mean 
offices, to do dirty work, 73. 1553. 
We'll not carry coals,' Roico and 
Juliet, i. i. 'The men would carry 
coals,' Henry V, iii. 2. 

Bearwood, a bearward ? or a wood- 
carrier? 70. 1445. 

Beray or bewray, to, to soil, defile, 
64. 1261; 66. 1320; 70. 1435; 
107.876; 100.946; 119. 1235; 12 ( J. 
1530; 138. 1812. 

Bezoling ; drinking to excess, guz 
zling, 10. 203. 

Blow-point, 'a childish game' [Nares' 
Gloss, q. v.], 113. 1060. 

Boss, a hassock or foot-stool, 49. 

765- 
Brewis, bread soaked in pot-liquor, 

and made savoury, 33. 254. 
Burr, one who sticks fast to you, of 

whom you cannot get rid, 111. 988 ; 

152. 2183. 

Cast-boy, cast-off, dismissed, boy ; 
one without employment, 32. 204. 

Chuffs, miserly churls, 84. 232. 

Clarigols, constables. Apparently a 
humorous application of the word 
used for an 'instrument of one 



being a whip, 65. 1269; 73. 1544. 

' Clari-cords ' in John Weever's E pi- 
grammes, Epig. i. 1 6. 

Clothwritt, a clothwright, applied 
in contempt to a draper, 42. 536. 

Cockpence, holy pence {q. d. ' God's 
pence '), ecclesiastical dues and 
offerings, 19. 594. 

Cog, to, to cheat, 153. 2229. 

Counter, prisons in London so called, 
49. 776. 

Coursie, a race, 36. 353. 

Craboun, a carbine, 137. 1765. 

Cross and pile. The same as the 
modern game of Heads and tails, 
the coinage having then a cross on 
one side, 49. 766. 

Cut and long-tail, a term used for 
all kinds of dogs ; ' come cut and 
long-tail,' come who will, 129. 1509. 

Cutchy, qu. coachce, a mean coach- 
driver? 123. 1357. 

Cypress, crape, 41. 512. 

Dandiprat, used in contempt as equi 
valent to little brat or little con 
ceited fool, 49. 767. 

Dopping, dipping, 25. 2. 

Dottrell, dotterel, a species of plover, 
said to be easily caught; hence, a 
silly fellow, easily deceived, 32. 
226. 

Drafty, worthless; 'drafty ballatts,' 
83. 195. 

Dromeder : ' an ould sober Drome- 
der.' Can this be put for dromedary, 
a patient, toiling beast of burden ? 
If not, I am at a loss for explanation. 
8. 217. 



string,' their instrument of one string Eld, old age, 2. 22. 



159 



Faulkner, falconer, 20. 623. 
Fiddler's wages, the smallest silver 

coins, 37. 380. 
File, to, to defile, 70. 1451. 
Foin, to, to push in fencing, 86. 277. 
Foretop, the top of the periwig ; used 

in contempt of a fool as having no 

head of his own, 64. 1237; 70.1436. 
Forspeak, to, to forbid, 90. 391. 
Foxfurred, wrapped in a fox-skin, 

= crafty, 21. 654. 

Gaberdine, a coarse common cloak, 
6. 175. 

Gird, to, to strike at, or wound, 
with jeers and sarcasms, 86. 280. 

Griggy, heathery, wild and unculti 
vated, 19. 577. 

Grill. A word omitted in glossaries, 
although used by Bishop Hall ; 
apparently meaning a dull senseless 
clown or sot, 4. 83. ' Let swinish 
grill delight in dunghill clay,' Hall's 
Satires, ii. 2, last line. 

Grosers. Possibly used for 'engross 
ers ' ; in double allusion to the 
engrossing of legal documents and 
the engrossing of gain, 152. 2186. 

Hippocras, ' hypocrise,' wine mixed 
with spices ; a cordial, 7. 208. 

Hoydon, a rude, rough man, a clown, 
46.678; 51. 833. 

Jag, a load or bundle, 48. 747. 
Jerk, to, to scourge or lash 80. 93 ; 
85. 260; 138. 1791. 

Lave-eared, lap-eared, long-eared, 
36. 345- 

Levaltoes, light dances, 13. 397. 

Lin, to; to cease, 142. 1909. 

Liteltomans, probably a mistake for 
Liteltonians, law- students, 52. 868. 

Loadam, a game with cards, 77. 14. 

Lozel, an idle abandoned fellow; 
usually employed thus as a substan 
tive, but at 3. 79 used as an adjec 
tive, ' lozel grooms.' 



Make, mate, 13. 393. 
Marmelett, marmalade, 38. 420. 
Masty, a mastiff, 153. 2228. 
Meaze, a hare's form, 104. 791. 
Mips, nymphs, 125. 1418. 
Mossy. Apparently used in the 

sense of rude, uncultivated : { mossy 

patron' 6. 168; 'mossy idiots,' 29. 

no; ' mossy posteritie,' 52. 873. 

'mossy barbarians' 97. 574. 
Mue, Mew, a retired, enclosed place : 

'mue,' 74. 1563; 'mewes/ 97. 580. 

Wall, 'a nail,' a colloquial mispro 
nunciation of ' an awl,' 27- 46. 

Napping, unawares, 26. 38; 38. 402 
(with a double play on the word). 

Nimbrocado, = embrocado, a pass in 
fencing, 53. 887. 

Pantofle, a slipper, 129. 1515. 

Passage, a game with dice, 77. 12. 

Passport, a licence to travel given to 
beggars, 49. 783; 65. 1268; 66. 
1322. ' A box and a passport,' the 
licence, and the box for alms, 31. 
183. 

Petternels, (petronels) small car 
bines, or large horse-pistols, 82. 
1 60. 

Phlapmouthed = flap-mouthed ; hav 
ing loose, hanging lips, 130. 1557. 

Pight, pitched, 127. 1461. 

Pilled, plundered, peeled, 49. 772. 

Points, the laces for fastening breeches, 
= braces, 26. 39, 40 ; 113. 1056, &c. 

Post and pair, a game with cards, 
77. 13- 

Ploydenist, a lawyer, a student of 
Edm. Plowden's text-book of Com- 
mentaires ou Reports, 135. 1715. 

Precious coals ! a silly ejaculation, 
put here in the mouth of Sir Rader- 
ick as being, probably, a well- 
known expression of a well-known 
individual, 129. 1532; 134. 1561. 

Primero, a game with cards, 77- 12. 

Princox, a coxcomb, 118. 
Romeo and Juliet ', i. 5. 



i6o 



(Blogganal 



Q,u or que, a. farthing ; a farthing's- 

worth, 39. 434; 139. 1838. 
Que, cue, the prompter's catch-word, 

139. 1837. 

Barn Alley. A notorious passage 

leading from Fleet Street to the 

Temple, 86. 278. 
Hood Day, Holy Rood Day, 14 Sept. 

48. 739. 

Bound, to, to whisper, 27. 45. 
Boyster doyster, in a ruffianly 

turbulent manner, 86. 276. 
Bubbers, contested decisive games ; 

trials of skill, 37. 396 ; 38. 402. 

Probably in this second line 'ruled* 

is a mistake in the MS. for ' rubbed? 

Sacket, qu. a contracted form of sack- 
posset? 38. 419. 

Saint cent, a game with cards, in 
which 100 was the winning number, 
77. 13- 

Seely, simple, 69. 1420. 

Sen, say, 48. 730. 

Size, to, to take college commons, to 
battell, 135. 1691 ; ' to size my mu- 
sick,' to take it like college commons 
on credit for the term, 147. 2048. 

Size que, farthing allowances of food 
and drink; used at p. 13!), 1838, 
for the commons of poor scholars, 
called sizers at Cambridge. Used as 
late as 1670 in Kachard's Contempt 
of the Clergy, p. 31. 

Skinkers, tapsters, 6. 157. 

Skipjack, an upstart, a conceited 
puppy, 39. 464 ; 42. 535. 

Snuff, in, in anger or contempt, 6. 
174. [To snuff at = to make a con 
temptuous snuffing sound.] 

Scoping, sweeping, 85. 262 ; 144. 
1965. 

Stale, a trick, decoy, 67. 1347. 
Standish, an inkstand, 19. 593. 
Slanging, stinging, 78. 33. 



Stigmatic, a ; one who is branded 
and marked as a criminal ; used in 
the text apparently with reference 
to one marked with a University 
degree or distinction, 8. 217; 92. 

437- 
Stocado, stockado, a rapier-thrust, 

53. 887 ; 87. 315. 

Subcicer, a sub-sizar (used as of a 
very poor scholar, who performed 
all menial offices), 130. 1565. 

Subligation, used as a mispronuncia 
tion of ' supplication,' 64. 1249. 

Sumner, a summoner or apparitor, 
135. 1694. 

Surqnerie, apparently intended for 
suyuerie, sugariness, 16. 486. 

Swadds, coarse rough bumpkins, 81. 
138. 

Tallents /or talons, 137. 1774. 

Teen, grief, 91. 407 ; 96 note. 

Thacked, thatched, 29. 134; 118. 
1221 ; 148. 2091. 

Thick thwack, fast and furious, 124. 
1376. ' If Jove speak English in a 
thund'ring cloud, Thwick thwack 
and riff raff, roars he out aloud,' 
Hall's Satires, i. 6. 

Treuan, truant, 74. 1572. 

Untapezing, uncovering, coming out 
of concealment, 106. 830. 

Voider, a tray or basket for removing 
dishes, &c., 23. 705 ; 132. 1621. 

Vouchsake = vouchsafe, 36. 339; 54. 
945- 

Whott, hot, 73. 1239. 

Wilningly, whether we will or no, of 

necessity, 44. 618. 
Wonn, will ; ' when you wonn,' when 

you will, 48. 747. 

Yonts, joints, 3. 62. 



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