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Full text of "Punch"

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^ I 



StASFOBD I'XIVERSITY T.IBS 



n i- 




LONDON: 

PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 

JlIUI WCUD BT A1.L lOOlUKUXU. 

1888. 



■aADSKBT, IGXIW, t CO.. rClptlRt, WBIIXTHUll. 



3vs* SO. 18S3 ] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDOi^ CHARIVARL 



ill 




* ' ETILLO-O-0 1 Ahoy there ! 1 ! " 

XX The Voice — a strong hut BHrtiy one, a 1>W»1, as it were, of the two sotfs of " Sirons " (fog-horn and pr«tt/ girl 
l» wit) — 0O>UDd4(1, like that of Jim. Drowkdco's " Great God Van." down ia tho rrcd* by tlio river. 

Mr. Pintcir, w!io wn« " puddling his own ennoc," rwpnnilcd with a 8oaorou» " Aye, ayo ! " lurncd with ono dcs'crous 
■troke his cnuoc-jxiint nliurc^varJa, and — c&me plump upon oM Father Tiiauks, the uiimistskeablo " tcvereud Sire " himself, 
liut "so neat snd so clean and well-nanaellcd withal," that Ur. Puhob, accustomed of late years to the sort of mulbeny-noeod 
mudlark of tho metropolitan Thanics-rp-nclirs, stiirtod in ploaccd aurprJso at hU old friend's picturcf^qnc ipick-and-spsnnon. 

A moor-hcn sciitlltd nwny through the roodo, and a kingfisher flatbed like a wiug«i] juwd ocrois tbo crock, aa the 
proir of tlut SiigoK runou " puiuled " at tlie rccumlitnt Sire of SlreainB. 
" Why, Father, 1 hardly know you ! " criod Mr. Pokch. 

"Bocauso I nppciiT in my native ahape, ondieguisod by 3irt,an(l unattended b; dead dogs," responded Father 
TBAifEO, anntcntiouily. 

"Werll, flauuela and a clean face certainly suit you better than a coglume a Ut ehiffonnitr, and reeds and kinglishcrs 
are worthier of your poetical antecedents than it rotinue of long-shore rubbish." So the Sage. 

" Of conr«R," Boid Father Tiiamk.h. " But Civilisation hoa treated mo badly. Prociona few kingfiahcra loft, I eon tell 
you : cockney sportsiut.'U and shorn ornithologists hare taktu caro of that ! By thc^ way, yim 11 find a boakor of Iced Deli- 
doiMiMSs down in tho moss there. Sparc it not, — any more tbaa I hope you wtU tho pernicious fboU who do Ihetr best to 
cxtcnninato tho Thamcn/uuna / " 

,^ Thtii wna th«r» marie as of DMtar awMt 

Ulag-glngiiDit trooiioaw Ugh OlTni>ian botUe i 
Ttw tOQiid of thandr-Kstt deteoidbiK fleet 
The Sajte'a throttle. 

" But that 'a not tho only bono I have to pick with Civiliuticn," puntuod the Ilotry Sire. " They 're ohuroed my 
nppct Tcnch<'B into iianron mud with their pestilent Steam -Launches, and coDTortad my lower on« into a malodorous drain 
Willi their trad^refosc. Ttiey 've potted my moor-hens, and peopled me with sewer-rats. Where they have not beeo ablo to 
nnlw ma aDeleao, they have made mo ooobn^ed. But they might Defend mo ! " 

** Obo I " crictl the Sago. " Then you loo, aged Ucduso of tho Reed«, Tonerabl* Sohttry of the ScdgeSt liaro 
been ccduced by the Slodcm Magaxine, have bemi lured into tht! toaite of Coutomporory Polemica ! " 

" Ur. PcvcB," said Father TiiAitEa, with energy, "a Recluse may be a Patriot. And who ebould be a Patriot if not 
I f Once indeed, long, long years ago, ray stream was dlshoBouied by a foreign ahip with a broom at its mast-head, ^nil^ 
WtOt novar miacl. But / don't viant it to Aoppm again I ! I" ^^ ^ 

" Naturally ,*■ rqeined Mr. Pouch: " National Defenoo U ft nil^ m>nft>i « ^na-w aMxM&o^ •.^l!^ 'A «»«&*»- ^™* 



If 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[J0S8 30. 188& 



Ddenoe of the Thnmes is a vi^rv essmitial part ofiU An enemy's iron-clods iii the Pool would be as little to your mind is 
torpedo-fisliing at Pangbounie ; oh, mine Aquatio Ancjunt?" 

•■ Precisely, my PuscHica I How long tlieti would it be b-fore Tout there floated, paws upwards, off the Templa 
G&rdens, whilst his Mighly Master mourned in a Tower dongcon ? " 

" Surium eorda, Siro 1 " roBpondcd the cute but ever-oheery Oracle of Fleet Street " 'Tis far cry to Traitor's Gate. 
To w'apt the Wizard once more : — 



' Onr Wim)>I«doii hiu markimen good, 
{Thoagh Dukna be duur and snubi b« rud*,) 
Cockneys are ehnps o( \vyal mooi ; 
Oa Surrey hiUs live slnlwart laBU, 
On Ktutiiib otii!, in Btikthiio glen; 



" Aad many a ship shall bo »hot-torn, 
AdiI muty a man to earth hi> burns. 
And DLUiy a halk go up in lUmea, 
Ere tortiga foe shall sweep the Thames." 



Fktber Tbaues gavo an ezullaiit whoop that set the Dog of Doga jrapping iu joyous sympathy, and startltd the disUnt 
pnnt-asgler so that he lost tha first big 'uii ho had hooked that afternooo. 

" Natheless, ray Grsad Old Man of Bivcrs," pursued Mr. Punch, " we must look well after you. As I anid, you look 
B)<leadid in flannels, but we can rig you out in trmour-plato at need. Neither you nor Bimtanma herself must remaiu 
Unprotected. Whilst Scribes scribble, and Optimists orate, and Pesetmists perorate, and Olljclsis gloae, oud ex-Offioiala 
growl, I PuKoa, iDark, and meditate, and presently sboll [lut my foot down. You know what that moans I 

" Mr f ye, dtsoBuding from my Den, snrvej ■ 

Where Thames, gRj- decked, but onduftnded, atrayi; 

ThnmeB. the btst-loved of all (lur Ouean's ions. 

Tfci'j' 'd butter watch it. onr Unknowing Ones I 

it llitiy Icavu you iinsBfc from Bouroe to tea, 

Thi'j 'II have to reclon. dandling dolts, with Ma ' 
* t ■ « • 

Oh, could they How lilce thee, and make thy dood 
Their gr«at example ; clear their minds from mudi 
Wtcn quiet, be not quite so dtuidly dull, 
Nor, lefuH they move, 10 prompt to make a Moll! 

" Shade of Dbbuah. forgivo mo ! What "s that you "ve got tucked up there. Father Thames ? " 

" Well — ohem ! — it 's — hum I — in point of fact it 'a a. Blue Book on National DcJeoce I " 

" The dickens it is 1 Find it cUccr your course, and solace your solitude ? " 

"On the contrary!" cried Father Thaueb, with emphasis. "Fancieii it might be nice reading for bad weather, 
when my f striolio heart aches, and there aro no [ircUy girls about to turn the dull pain into a pleasing flutter. Bui, u far 
as I can make out, there 's neither point nor patriotism in it, and I 'd put it aside for pipe-lights." 

" Point ? Patriotism ! Be these jour dtsiderain, dL>ar old boy ? " cried Pdschius. " Then I think I can put you np 
lo a good tiling- Pilch those ponderous psges to limbo. Hero *s somelhiug worth both your P's, and any number of others 
into the bargsin : such as Pregnancy [of wisdom and wit). Pungency, Polish, Practicality, Pellucidily, — a very peck of Fs 
summed up in oue Big Big P — which is PUNCH ! ! I As to Defence, doar boy, it will arm you (against Dulness and Other 
dangers) hetter than iron-clads in your estuary, or towers along your steeps. Tako it — with my blessing I " 

And Mr. Pt'.s'cH bonded lo Father Th.^mes his 



iinctg-ioiullj f fllttinc I 



-r^^gr-;-.iii.5^£^.--..-- jy^^z^---^^: 





PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



{rwcfBklf I a, ^07. 



yM 









m 



.'(/»: 



vf.^. . 






rfl 



>*»2 






OHBISTUAS AT UTTLE FEDDLINOTOIT. 

yi< Caroie (o £o(»/ Wa). " Why nkeps't a SI as starve im thk DcgBsT o? SiiiAaA t You oivi rr vt t War, ntcAtisr be cas 
PSSD ox iTO! Atsfo WBKa a rssiu. you ksow i " iCkarut tf dctighl. 

ApprteuMt* Pmukmaa. "Qit'mt-ck <ta'i\ dit, cb hik MoxintrB Obkkk t" 

Sir Pimpni BfdiSt. "Oa— kr— il nKMft^eo ' roonttw** ti. s'av pah KBrnwAiB pooa oos noM BB moohbkb ds fano uoso leDbsaib 
Di Sahara f' at alor il hkpoko : ' Parsrbr it, per monjv La Sakbu keb ay las, voo satvt I ' Tuxt boko, n'kw rAit V " 

Apprfeia!iot Frtnehnviyi. " As— rARFAiT 1 Tnfis pis! Thfc* joli 1 \oit\ uiEtc L'sawiri' AxcLAUl" [UoJtf* a A'oU 0/ it .' 



MADR[OAL OF niE MONEY MABKBT. 

0)1, wliAt HLail I do nith mjr money ? 

All, Low oin Iwfely invest! 
Not BO OS the bMB g»tncr honc']' ; 

Then pliindeien liUle Uiutr a»M. 

LuiicI ■» lianiiy worlJi tnr.m tlmn olil ttrmonr 1 
Few InKdk.nlg JC ywlil. n Kni(rlit'i feo. 

Now fftrniiii[f jiajs not e'en tli* Fanntr. 
What rent oould the Farmer pay mo ? 

Contota offer stomo oon»olAtion. 

Tlioush dindcDdH ba liiit lueun rents. 
ConvcnnoD, if net oonOiioatiuii, 

Er« lonj; maj o'atoke Tluw-iwt-Oente. 

No frauMtter iray, oare-froe. and txitkr. 

I (wir mo tiio cours; o[ aSain 
Bid* Capital foroc into rinky 

Fund*, utooks. »{>cou1alicuB, and liiaxat. 

My 'realth. if unable to nac it, 
In sttouf-box or bank ahull I Oant 7 

diK 1 I night, nUi«T than lom it, 
Qlvo (tU I "tc got, twag, to tho Foor < 




P0(!(T8 OF PbCDBKce.— Mak'! fri^nil* of 

none bnt rioh posplo who are tmiikdy tn tuk 

JOntarFecttiUMT antirtaAon. Nertcc lend more 

tlua yoa «ui •fford to low : bat it you want 

■top ofl «n^ii0 rmm trjfnc to borrow 

~ Ton kbova that anioiint, it toay be 

. at a pinch, U> oQn him & loan ot 



AS IDYL ON THE ICE. 

Ft'R-ai>)iun>lted for tJia skatlntr, 
Coiniu) the pond'a BoktKyiv lodged Belle i 

1 am duly there in waiting. 
For 1 'It loiw no timn in ilatiiig 
That 1 lore the ladj wclL 



-X' 



r 



Thm to don ber akatea, ui'l enrrl/ 
Mine tlie laA lo flt tlicin ti«li^ 
Stran and baton thom mbbt*^, 
Whda «h« oHen ne, dermaMlf , 
Pint the left fool then the rigrht. 



Off alic oirdea, Hwiflly flying 
To the pond'i txtrfni<wt. TCTge ; 

Then returning, and replying 
Wilti liimlaiu to nil my lighinjt, 
And till? iuve I liare not arge. 

Vainly do I follow after. 

Sbti 'h Hiimvuiided in a trico. 
Other men have come and chaffed her, 
And the echo of hur lauKht^r 

Coinex ncrosB the ringing ioo, 

sail I 'vo hope, n hope th«t nCTcr 

In ray patient heart is dejiil i 
TliODgh fal« for n time might mm*, 
Though Hhe fJcuUil on (or ever, 
I would tolloH- wbeni hhe lleJL 



A Costly Compi.iikt.— Cold In the heail, 

catarrh, and paying through the doso. 



A DBBADFTTL DOUBLE BAP. 

Bat-A-tat. tati 
There '■ a knock at the door. 

I wonder who 's that ? 
Am afraid It '» a bore ; 
An Intrndcr. maybe, boUi a bora and a dun, 
Fomed of two bom together, a ttOBMr la 
oaut 



A JemKB BUso of Frajsce.— Old Clmis. 

A Fonu OF EQVi»isiAV DbaUA.— Hone> 
play. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



TP«Bkva.»:. 



OANVAR.Y. 

FEBR.VAR.Y. 

MAR.CH. 




FAIKT TALES FOR THE FOUE BEAS0N3. 



DATS FEOM THE DIARY OF A DUFFER, 

•bntutry 1. — RmalTCd to tnako tnywlt pmfipiont in evwy tti'i^tj 
of muilj sport. exNciM, utdsmnMinetit during uomiiik' fear. Kothmg 
but pnotiao nqofjtd. Will toiaa no uppurtimity fur future. 

14,— Ball at Atmbly BaomK Odd how few girls seem to diuioa 
tn; st^i. Should Imm liioaght I gravo thnca plt'iity of f^nicf, too I 

28,— Ico bnriiiit tqileniKiUy. Voliiiilwrwl tuteuch Letitia figuft- 
■kftting. but cut very diSmnt flgoro from mhot I nntlolpfttoil. 'I'olil 
Lktitia I nouUiliQir bcr the " outnldn ndgo." Vi'ti^a I wax (riittiTiL; 
up, Hhu waatad to kaax whctlwr I luuln't inootit th« " uproad-mglc. 
Afmid I did look ft trillo " (pMch-oouk.v." 

fy^uary L— Frort Mill Mver«. Amrtajin^wlth frimiil in oonntiy, 
vho prooniMi mo a minint. ff a meet oomm otT wliilu I am Iicro. 

^. — Tb»>r. Mod deiv ooioo otT. So do I. Wtdk hoioa. 
itima l.—AnmteaT pexformoDce a Saheei far Scatidtd. Kj fiwt 



nppeftnkDc^ sa Jairph Siir/arf. l!al)wi x!i»ky In pott, tmt ttilnlt t WU 
tunny— audifnoe lunched Ulte uiytliirg', Letitia taj* neM Uma I 
bad better play Aol/e U'ithtiit. Lktitia nu Ladj/ Teaslt, and I 
dareaay my gag (j»J annoy ht^r a little. 

Aprii.—ak\ehtea wkippiti^ a trout-irtivani, Abnnt aitnadi nioa* 
XsiuiES' floggiiig Uw Oc^m. PiiJi aullcy unci wouldn't play. 

ilay.—Yial Tennia toomaniBnt of Scamn. Dmwa with MUa 
SiiDOtn, cx-Cbunpion. Think mmethinir ti»if>t hava amio^ bet 
l>(ir«r*abe«*ine. At hor request, Inft ■ gmddeal to licr. W« kept In 
till DMCly the fInitJi. wh«n anfoitunalcly (mv ana b«biK •■> Oonr 
fuundefflr Btucular) I hit ball ovor palliiKi, which inad« It " guw 
and •ott" t« tlicro. Mua S. mrf a gooj-tempwcd ^IrL 

Juttf. — Up the river. Bowad hidf a nllo— wben Lbtitii and tha 
othtn uid I had b«ttFr tteear. It people nua't look aft«s their ov, 
U)ey oan't bo ■utrriacd if the? kituikIi m^iniit poata! Lctitia 
wouldn't speak to me all tha way froim Pangboume to PadiMintott I 



t 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



[Dftmbu ^ftj. 



■ 




WHAT OUB ARTIST HAS TO POT UP WITH- -(The Anti-Beaut7 Crusade ia Hodera Art Criticism.) 
BtAiatnt Art Crilie. " Yix, »r roo^fO Ff.iekd — xs I iiavk oiitkx tAtD IK Pitixr— Yoi*, nc cohmok with all tiir Uodkrn Esolmb 
ScnooL OF Frmalr Kioube Paiktebh. ark drpiuvkd bv a noruid ahv ixahk u>v£ or futTTiyicsa. ixj thi bxcli-siox or all iiik 
KTHiswt 9i)AUries or CaABAcrtn, Ruttirr, Thvtb « SATV«t—x—K liir thk way, ariiK comk xr Wifk asd Davhiitrrs, wnn 

SHAliK «V Vir.ws. I.ICT MR IVTBomrcit YOU." [<>Mi- ^rtjjif uiuUnUiiutf U" Eminnt Crilie'i pninl of ruw. and fiiiyim hinu 




A TOO 7AIR ONE. 

Jte, "I Iig^LARE, Ml'S AjeOlUS*. TOr T»KAr MR WORBK TOAiS VOltR l>ixi:" 

Slu, "Oh. Mb. db Uoovks, now cak too sat wr I u suss I nkvek mike tvr SuonrEn Diffxresci nrwucx \ai:'." 



rROBHi^aK-i 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 




FATRT TALES FOR THE FOUR SEASONS. 



Jmlf H.—Vtastd tor m; Dr.putnicnt in CHclut Siftli^Ii. Wrjit In 
lait, oaj tarried bMout—Uut U. thajcumcd it out H-irAinOiOn tli« 
banllo. NotdMith* bowllnf wuwl«niflcDowad*j8. Miut practise 
fJom'nir. with (MinU-lMlte, 

Avyii ll.-~Oii Yorkiiliin) Hoon ' ^ranst-tliocilinr. Find mj «j« 
!■ not vhat it wiw— nor, I f«ar, ii the Kccpcr'gL Wb«t did tlie man 
mutt ? I ap^lteJ I 

2t>,->AtZcnnaU. Mncbi»mplim«nt«iIon 1117 mountainc^rini: get-up. 

DO. ' Si>i7iuho<r. I dim't ci^t np very high. Well, welt. I can do 
wmo dinbiii(r neat jou. The peak* wfoi't ran ^tct.'j. And (m iJie 
penlo at Hotel an> brginning ti be radc uid chaff cocll think lAaU. 

&j><AR<br.~B<iclc In EnKliitd. Ifiul a Jny nt t)i« PutTidEVK Ofisr 
Rum la pvty nnoominotilj ciril aiwl polit«— iuuaUd vn mj foing 
Cmt ! lu <*pU«l form— voanenaUonaJlv 1 tslil then lots of ueodotce 
—vcAf mj gan tntitd go off in tli« midiUe and «poil tl>e pointa t 

fA>.*t>W.— Phconnta. We ibot orer ilogs 1 *t lc«»t. I did— «««. Not 



a hroit worth making iDch a fun nbout, / ihoold luivc thought — 
ho II be all right In k month or two. 

^'iirrinhr 4.~-0oSng down tORMy In conntrjon TjetU (K.B.— Takt 
doim tDMks to ftiniua ehlldna— ihey II go into Ota when Lbe; s«« me 
dr e» Bd op l> 

C— Thpy JU g» lilt) flt«. Hott trill me of tulf tittln to town. 

/VivMirr.ll.-Hnil ti tB]teLKTtT:\ nnd her llitio (IkUt* ba Drary 
Iatio to »eo Paatoinime. Foand I hul mittalken dote im tlck«itji, ^'o 
•cat* — exoept in Pit. ''atandiog room oul.v.'' there Childrti crying, 
the littio nuiwDooi. hteoiue Ute; onildn't we anything bat bodul 
LrTiTiA fpjntrd. Took her home with aaraanyof her littl« iditns 
u I enuld ilnd. himTs\'» B(otfa«r taya aha Sndt I as> not to ba 
Iraitcd, and lhadUUct"«o«uider«tigB(am9ntataii end." Too had 
— baouue all theohildranlanied Bpinadayortwo. jwtaal aoi^Uhwi , 
wonli). But I don't oare— «h^l bo moos wtW«»»\«,%»8A *«««»'*«»■ 
; ever this fcoi— now I Wtc i«i on« VbW ^-smJiV \o wioifiA**' 



\ 



PUNCH'S AL:HAXA0K FOK 1888. 




" GREAT EZPECTATIOHS " 1 

AJkl (ynoVMl AnifUfr). "On. P*' vkjji, what mo Gr.o what did tousw M%. Baowx VimtI ' 

fii". '"'SKiBrr, HT Lon, 'Wimicn n> »t«ak to me rniTATEiT !" 

BM. "On. Pa', BPT DO teu me— 'Oaitse be wu w> te&v ArTEsriri to he betoke tov cm uc— Am tbzs A»Le^ he la 
Lute tiik Rook." 

Pit: "WeI-I., vr DEAE"— ('""■^'V'}— "■■>l'l> UFT lU* PtUE At TUE OmcE, AXb VTAJITEO TO BotEOV BKIlITnsrESCE TO 

PAT an Tkaih Hone ! I " 



I 



I 
I 



THE WORKHOUSB GUY. 

l&tliod by ilr. fxwUr.) 

lEBxliiGrintB<iuettpcaiUutli«r«lutOujFAwk«« Day, 
Of rftoh QiJiitri^toiu inipenuKW ■• t» talM nijr bc««th Kwur. 

It laadoBBpiiS nd blow, ni}- looe tiburn. 
1117 «;tti to atkro. Tinf air. 

And on 1117 tA nil ortr for to utAn'l on end 

A paopa inmate of St. Luko'a in CbelMO. 

chAiffod vith cboidc 
CncnrI of. wAt U WMtmlnatar id up b«lore 

thv Bt-Ak. [defy, 

Tlic MivlM of thn Workni • ad dnrod for to 
£i>u*U> molio A clBxy to Iinrn Ini {n, e G117. 

The IjAbouT-MAAtcT watohcd iia from the 
dormltfrn aIaaI, [onnccaL 

Tlin (liij oonireyiii fn lit and tliAt bol)J(<c( to 
A Oklu uf It K>in*t a pikorfatnroU wen eaeod, 
Tito vrHntoi « iraa down on in. and c»t«li'd im in the dMd. 

" A Ou; FavtkM Id the Wotkns I " *«;• tbe Maglatnttf, stfE 0, 

" How vraa H aa 70Q come to koovr of thAt oonqriraoee V . 

WilnoB npliod e 'd Mred AbontUiCFlottheprvwlouidnj. 
To bting tbe Haxlcz in oontconjit, an whicb la plans c Inj. 

TIm piit'oet won • took thon lli« MiLiMr brouglit afore. 
"Tbe Ouj. too." eald the IJeak, "thuught jon it nn; Uko- 

aeasben? " 
" Aa nigb u poanible "—no f nn the iritacM meAnt to j*\i. 
ThcBMkolMorvDd, "IspoM th« llAatei lihoDflil it s bad 

i-Ae." 

TiMfo vsrnt noerUcnee, • ni—t> iMMh T dont admiie— 
The Brie'n«T Kiiiltfof inUnt the heffinr to fire. 
TbonAsterwax too wniible AtnAn. Rdiml I11M7, 
To mind obont heSgj latnlr ugion G07 Pavk>t [H7. 






No ioke. no joke. tb« lUMcr Md biMif « didnl can. 
OMin' in np to ridionle— no joke that then at all— 
Ralej no latfln niatt«r, bat a weny aerieia* fact, 
AeoaDnalns and a intAmo*, irlb, vtcloon, irickei! hacfc. 

The prisn'er (well I now Uia kind of ngw c tvptteaib) 
Wai the ewdai:iou« Icadei of a gvtg d mnlo ^ 

coatonU. ^A CI ^^T 

" Sir, I got infonDation, daja aforo, aa ow '-u., fl If < yji'^ 'V 

that a 
VTaa a prqtailn' Qiot there Ga7 for the rldU 

" I know'd trot was a goin* on, know'd 00 tt 

day*, Tor know, [go, 

AU that wUa I waa np to Int, and on I h4 II 
Aoooidingl7 I laid in wait moanwhlle, and 

took ni7 aim, 
t let im flnifli it, Sir,— let ita end la little 

gtm*.' 

'■Wdl," Red th« Beak— A norfnl crinw a took BBoonunoo oool— 
* Sitch public men na yon dent mini) a UtU« ridicule. 

Tie onj wot their oliaraoter i* able to aCofd, 
Ton 'd oettor bring thta lerioua chann alo.'e the Gnaidiaaa' 
boAtd." 

Wot kD)l7, and olpnieiie7 and In'llj nditook, 

To let that luini4aua pnnptr olt wea • h-oii bruu(bt to 

book) 
tm aa dared brief tbe Mortec of the WcAms into 

Kpm 
Ithodld have got penial (orrftode as am* a« e wa* born. 
If I wM Oov'ttor 0«i"Tal ef all Uaiana. I 'd ocmmand 
This nolire on tbo door of oTVy Workw in the la". 
Kv irA7 of iafeffnatloo to all panrtn as eonw n*^— 
"OlwioreraU tde«t» of fun. ail yon » beotara «» 





•■"M 



■ptTNOT'S ALl 




THE "MASKE" OF MOMU 



K FOR 1888. 



IAhh^r (, iw. 




BanniMlkl*?,] 



PUNCH'S AJM 




// 



THE "MASKE" OP MOMU 




NEW-YEAR'S "REVEL." 



^P BABD 



•.utri 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



I 



HABD TIMES 

J a* w a r jr. — 
Tune for sot 
Opminc blD0 cn^ 
valopw. BooiMi 
■liop* to bt Mf . 

BxcuM for not 
employing Attrnt- 
loakeM— th« pro- 
valuuo ol in- 
fllUAH M»d tits 
cbkfiea of tlMdear 
chiblten <iii«hlng 
it. Betuni ot tJie 
boyilONliooI ukd 
i:oniieqll«Dtl7 
gvuenil mending 
ol bnkro wiii- 
dmnor the 8ai' 

BID. 

Februarf. — 
0ab autacrip- 
ttaBsbMomedne. 
OuqaM to b* 
pud vitliiii a 
mnnth of tliij 
doU t) uve poat' 
iog. Tlin« toe 
exjilMoioir M tbo 
lemkb meiiibvra 
tit juat fiuiii^ 
IhM Ibc Puui 

fMlhiOHB do DCtt 
coraetOtttWDDa- 
Ul Hkjr M tlio 
iisrlioH, and it 
woulil b« III«» 
cxuarasuuo f> 




nt My ll«W 
drcaiSB b»to(« 
tlicn. LmI dar 
ri>rF*yliiithoi»e- 
tvDi aii« at the 
pievion* mld- 
miumer. 

X a r t h, ~ 
OeoDtr CuuiUng 
begins diuins 
thia nontb. 
Clow Ubw for 
iMwbat. Uontli 
for ■(SniDf wiUi 
\h* tax-coUoctor 
and drfytnic the 
mytcT-iM« m&D. 
Dotnotie anbjccl 
of dOba(n(opai«d 
lijr ttw partaur o( 
roui Ik-pm aod 
itta*i. "WhtOiFr 
a liMbjind abonld 
iikc to nOe bit 
wife walkios 
aUont a pcctocc 
BfUnf " 



KV8IC AT HOUE. 

iJ/MiM («rti«i<B«™i^\ "On— wiUT A iiE)i*i;tAW.T FisisasD Sixei* MADUre ecwcurifl w r 

Ui»»K»irTir. "Yes. qrn-» rntumnp, I 'K AJ-aMol" . 



Siav ASD Si< 
'mi-c— When U 
» i.torr-tc'ltcr likn 

: ScDiin<.) 7 WI17, 
> of «ouiac, when 

tbcTB ia a sting 

IbIim tak. 

BACIEED Dl'tK. 

—Tbo broDtito 




t 



I 



• 



PCNCHS ALilANACK FOR 18^*8. 



rtMnmMt ». in:- 



1 




i 

4 



4 



FAIET TALES FOE THE FOUR SEASONS. 



HARD TIMES CALESDAB. 

.l/irff.— Arrival of Enst^r ho1!<Lay> ami school hlll«. Gr*nit givlny 
up of holding:! by Iciuiiila of xouiLouiw [iropcity. F»ilureofClinnc«r)' 
miit. (i«nenii deprcadan. Abortire altrmpt at nTlTvnohiiiunt. Cimuu- 
Jmm iiMponndi^ by wife of jxmr biwoni, "Ho*' oiiti wlf and the 
cljiliiren look like ChrUtUat on fire pound* • quartet for oce'g 
dothr* i " 

May. — Time fcv mataring prDmiawiij ootat. IK»a«tn>ua conolwiiuii 
of Bttempl«d Stoek £xcl>*nc« " Flutter." Suddenlj Dndertolcen viiit 
to Southsnd. 

JuM. — End of lime allawod for Mti»IaoUo:i of Curmlv Cjnrt 

mnunoiUNB. Poeiptwy dtonand for QaeMi'* town. A^ipliuilion 

for ooQtributloi « lu tlie Matiition IfnuMi fund for Ibe awutnnce of 

I'twjtifikffvd. Di-pitrtniv Oi oldwtjriTli to *tay at a ipjnit^ Aunt'*. 



PramatuTo «itran<3c of imior boj' into public life at a Goremniijiit 
OIHce. Question of tho Jlonth. " Wlml's to Ihs (lo..e u«it ' " 

./iify.— Visit to i.nron«tic boohclot Uuc'o who dotuoit mind telling 
vau. " that ho hasn't likid anj' of jtra. and thnt yoo onlj oamfl to ««« 
him wh<<n nnntioelwn'niiltl bnvojun." Fnn.hvr pccnmaryembuTaw* 
ni4>r)lciuued by expiry of bills at iins wrt and commenowncoi of 
bills of another kind. Qnmlion of j'otir wiF«. " How can wc get on 
until September, when tlic Dividendii will be paid t " 

<1ujrv<(.— I.a*t dayaof tbolocal trrm celebrated b;r tho remniRder cl 
font piopcttyl'ciiiK thrown into Chancery. Pint ialioduction to a 
new Chief ClciV. whom yon wil! liivc the plencUTe of cither Kdii; or 
hiarinit nhoiit weekly, soinctimm dally, fur the next five yeant. 

Ivpltwhtr. — iiMOiul viMt b) iuirca*tie haiilielciT ITncte of yniiiuiir and 
dcqnoitie )K»ty, in iJie chanuit^rt of nnwelconi« btiiwU. Xtorv >ii(irah 
fur iiu[>[Knt from CuuniltMM iiiUrvitUTd in unelforatltiir the <xiiidtlion 




DcnMr&tWI 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 




A PROTEST. 
Sultn Cmmtifa Hiulie (»» tki AVw /ncum!f»0. " Bio r' f akdosi, Sill— bit rs veaov A cwv* TO faux var Oust, 8i« t "CAiras 
ID now— riu'n THE 'akuB'T ak' ronnirnsKT nir o' I^nd i' tiir wiiol' PARtBff— -an' ttk ijur Pakso.v. uk vna to okt is km 
Have— THE!' ke i'i.ai" cm tiir Tratur roR R.»is1 AH' wii»rb whk Wr'I" 



MASTER TOMMY'S 

ROl'SXBOt.D IEECEIIT9. 

iAw ttjnil iitb-tp»li at 
Ut Hfil She Salin Frr- 
aifvr.— Sfiloct a montiriK 
wImo [hs rliinU comiDgv 
•XV nnovrd [did the draw- 
ing- roMn in FTpporation for 
an viatdofs ntxij. aii<l hnr. 
ln( pfovUM jounwlf with 
k orickst-bal and half-a- 
down axpcDiiT bottle* of 
Bhtfr-bUck Ink, «i)t*T the 

SttnenllncomiMtnjririth 
pOfe. Nuvr Ukjng h 
rooi ccDtnl potiUoa. si^l 
htm to hoirl to yaa with 
till tnUln. With atrailr 
hMrf'tiiuinir in ail dirao- 
tiona jroii will ■caroelf fat) 
to break Mch in ■uecauiDrn. 
and will find. «n dlApoting 
of tkn idztb , that rail hnT« 
M frtvly Katutol thdr 
orateata tbout tlie room 
tbu jon maj' oount oa 
ha* iBg«fl<«C!iAll7 put ink- 
Rpntaon nil thn lijtlit hliic 
nlia lur&itim it contains. 



What Romaii Foel nujr 
)« lappouil fcocn hU mun* 
tobooi H*t>r*ir origin, and 
not * food apooUaoo «( thn 

>o«r 

TlMPoot JKW.vtiyAL. 




BIASTBH TOMHT'S 

B0V8RH0LD KSCXirTlL 

i/oui tt sndHfe a Xat- 
hrmm V»tit.—k\X yon re- 
Quit* for tliU rxptrimcnt 
ia an ITucIe on a vlfit and a 
Shjnrcr-b&ih. lIuvinK piir- 
chawdatno-ahUliiiglwltlo 
of Condj's Fluid, prooctd 
to bla bM-inoni over-nlitht, 
ondgettiDi; en ucha{rcar(>- 
fnlly empiy Ihn oontotila ot 
thin into the top ot Uie 
ballt. lu the morning wlun 
four Unul« p-bi into it and 
puliM tlie ■tiing', be will 
ilnd hlmwir drenclicd in n 
dn-p puTpIo rhowcr that 
will inxlaalljr datkm and 
diMHiour Ilia okia. Aa Um 
iiais iioltncrt indelible asd 
cxtrcancty difficolt to gvt 
nut, you nay count pMCti- 
call; «i punwnaUig for a 
MrtoicU at leaal a Snt- 
btDwnllDcle. 



CULTCHAH : 
Aiy-iiAtiuit K>MfA "Mat I— A— .>n I .- vi-r H^rrr TaoianTH, raoM Pcwfitf" 

t'lir OirtiniU- ''A— IlUXKij »rv 1 "Mr l-tuiVititU MVaM.c niTtt Tll« 'PtV- 
•Akh of PAkCAU'" 



Tub Froit Urt fittrf for 
"Cbamoloon** food " inti<t 
•TtdcDllT b« 'CartenCa of 
Afr." 

St. Valmptotb at St. 
SrKPfiBjfa. — In A««o««- 



PUXCHS ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



:DM«At «»«. 



MASTKB TOJIUi'S 
Hoi»nou> uoBipn, 

3U AM&»kkt4 Dia- 
fi«r-0wMK— ThMe amy 
be produoed in the mb- 
jointd mftiiner : — The 
dumar-Uble being' Ui<l, 
Kid tbo ch»lr« iilaund U 
ooiitloD, onter tbe roMn 
naobwrrcd iH^nhiuid- 
MW. Saw {iroofod to 
uw thmiigli the IhwIc 
1«ir* of eveij chair In 
■iicocMioai,lMriDg ibom 
•1 tlooAalj nttoobvd 
tliat on Uua «liKhtwt 
preonira tliiq; will pre 
WV- Oo dinner bflinit 
annonncod. tbo cij; hWi-ti 
^UMt* wlU ■wwnbiB in 
ibe dinin^room. and. 
on dtting d«vn idmal- 
tanMKudT,— all thabaok 
"iff* of theli chain 
oomia^ Baddmlf oCC t«- 
KBthor.— will bcprmliil- 
tatnA backward* lit wiM 
oonfualuD- Wliitit 
■tnigglin^ to extricate 
ttimiMlna fnun thnlr 
nutta nnoxpecMiI sitiia- 
tiOD.UMr will uoC fail to 
expcHB lh«tr astatiidi- 
OLAnt Bt tludr poaitloiw 




I POETRY OF BEEAOH 
L OP PROSIIfB. 

trothrd to ma, 
Pomiit ma Kj roidgn 

lliy band : 
But if ihou wilt lot set 

me free. 
To mjr nigagraient I 

mil ilond. 
The dnmafeii thou 

mlghtat (itiii>in 
Pot brvHuh (-1 Pro- 

miiw bbould-'^ tiiau 

BQe, 
I ccul.i not pay. Mere 

words wtTc rain. 
Oh. tht-n. nmwpt ciy fond 

adieu ! 



MtJBJC Mad.— (fiwrn 

a Ciilm'il-HaUltnty Cbr- 
rft^-o Hill III.) — Whj U n 
i^W'fOp hlitgiiiK at his 
imrk like a popiUnr 
Il«j ian CiMnp^'er f — 
Bcc.iiua h«'« t. CiRO 
l"i>Btni. [Xo, WD did 
twt «« it III lint; but. 
wbeo uploiURd. it tros 
entlcnt tJiat nut C H. C 
meant " a CU-yvpina 



ZINaS VON VOOT RABZEEt HAF LEFT OONZET. 
iTfc "Ai-H ! nrtw BKirrrr ark xouk Crbks Levfs ox vcirit Cowjti" S*t "8ooi.ii> too adhibx them. It's av idca or mrowK," 
t f. "Kvint scii.vmituKn! /.rr REMi^n Ynv of Irr ctixnivr. noi-sr a)( Oi.t Ei'is !" 




WEDDINQ FBEBENT8. (JUSTICE BEFORE OEHER08ITT.) 
^'JTffjf, Mamma ? Tuiiirv GtuscAi. ror. a Pkisc-ct to DAiiRAtiv finir,w..r.p, wb.)b wf (irARrKLr know, *xi> whoVooiko to 

AlBT A )U» W« .NKTKX RAW I A11l> OSIV A GLIXKA PaX TO MARV MoitltOM. USK or OCR OLt/UT FftlUiP^ I— AVI. 60IM 10 m TttK 

Vi"ir« or MAK Out Bo* ■" "Mr Lo\-t, wi: Mimr bb joct/ JlAa* Uokiiok h a •wbxt, ooob Omu 1 apmii. irrr tob iiiwr 

ltt:>l):MDiR mr ua'N r OOT A .^or— ASP. AFTEB ALL, PEAK (>i!> Boo "» ONtr A roo« COP.VTW CcSATt; WIICREAII Ml^-l GOLDMOBS'S 
^,v j'y^^jj^ JAB UIK "» (JOMO lO WARRV A Barokct w(ia Ts» ToCfTSAXa A I'tAkl" 



L 




of tha Working-miua. E«7 qoestian for solution, 

Ottfifr. — Final disraptton ci( fuiiily relntioox. Drpurtnro oi ftri* 
hi goTORicaDU, uid b07> for olctluhips at axt<«ii Hhilliopi n week ia 
Uw dtr. L*w-«oji7ii)g {wrfunoad u-ith (dido MMonoy ud wndder- 
■Uo di «| M H o h tij yeraolf. QuMtloa of «rlf« «f taui'n bonm, "b 
MCdbwodc oMalnAla, and do jou tliink one wodU r«tpoU (br it ? " 

MfMtlMT, — FiJtuto of Baiik,"rnrt.li«r oansideratfon " Of or!|:lQaI 
CbUMny Ntt, and tale of bonse iwnd furaJtnn. 

Dftmhfr.—Wtaiij (fathorins In cheap Iwlf^ng* nt Dlnaii. G«DcnI 
Willi— " Ha7 we all har« a lUpji; Krw X«w I " 



Open to Coktictiox. — A Ptitooer at the Bar. 



Tin Mac oi> Hl-man KiKD.vEse.— UUli Pasok. 



KKvsa 100 Ij-tt T*i Tiieaii.— ^A^^ Ti«y*», 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1S88. 



»,u. 




A COMBINATtON OF DISAGBSEABLEB. 
MoNDAT U»iiMNi>— Bjtar Wini> akd Rits— and ihb Or* 'Bin run. Inudk *»D Out. 



HA8TBR TOHHT'S 

BUUSXUOI.P KICEIPT& 

Hftr to ntfvtporiM a 
pfr/M •■ flW* * aeNen 
inaitrsiFlajF-nMd) Orasd 
Piano. — ftalfictitiir tli'' 

■uoniitK if *> 'loj on 
whioli 70111 puonta hare 
prcfwrod to give If little 
miuio." at nhiob a pro- 
tualoDBl plitTnr i» vx- 
p«ct*d to jmtforiu in tlie 

UVGIlillK, vljOHW? n OMI- 

vcnitoit mompot, mu^ 
hBving ciwjicil ilin In- 
RtJuniiint juiiij) liiln it >n 
s Uiiuk |Nur uf txKitfl iui:i 
dance a vigonuii i-iin-mt 
tat m qmurterof an liour. 
HaviiiKdoiwttiUMji'tir 
•«tt«f«cli"ii, piix^urv lljd 
Diuit uliuppcr fn>ni the 
kitdhcn and hiifk nwaj 
for flvo uid twiinly min- 
ntM mom at t)i'- hnin- 
mem. Now oluw tlie 
piMio. In the cTrniiig 
ontlmproliMiionul jitnycr 
dttUkC dom to lli« In- 
■tnuncmt h« will But), to 
hii BQipriw, tbat not a 
■ingle note nuswem to 
bin touch, nud abkudoo* 
ini: all effurt to pioduco 
luijt Buond from ft nhut- 
cver. »t hopolcM, wlU 
admit Ihal Iw nerw ret 
mat with a piiuio pro- 
ridcd with luoh a oam- 
plMo "ehMk ' totian. 










A OHOioE OF miova. 

Mr. Brvan. "I aAV, Mawa, what 'a tbb HEAsrsu or '.S!j«am lUMr fUira,' wbiib 

I HEAK VOU AAV IH ALL TUK PitlUlvU SUOra, WHKM THKV BATUI'T OOT WHAT XOV WAMI' 

—WHICH nutr kiveh B*Tir" lfr». B. "Ob. IT ONLY MEAXd • It'M or no coKtM- 
qvtmM.-" Mr. B. "How ot>o I Now /always my • Nimfou' t Bct 1 war n-r 

IT OOKU TO TKB lAVE Uf TSS EMk" 



HASTEB TOMMTS 

HOVBEBOU> BCCJEirTO. 

Hon to BTt«k M* i*H 
CMna TfO'SrrTUt.— 
Tiria b a {>Tetl7 exp«Ti- 
in«nl,ai>dinn)-bc camod 
out » fotlowD :— IlaTJBg 

Mil«:ct«d an afteruooa on 
wbioh TOUT Hottiec re- 
ceivui TiBtora M firo 
o'elook tfa.paovjdajronr- 
Bolf with a xtoDt pi«e« 
ot oopper w[^^ at «n« 
(■nd o[ whioh jmu hMTS 
foaluoncd a 1mb> for- 
niabrd with a comman 
Hllii-knot, and Uk« up 
yuui position on the 
landing juM outcade the 
drawing-room door. 
Now wutUw^ipMiBDoe 
of JoH>- Thomas wiili 
tile larger ailver Int; 
oont«iiiing tea poured 
out in ca|w o( Ihe best 
china twrvic*, and, a* ba 
■Mi w tbe thnAoid. 
doxteimulT whip tbe 

Allan h« haa procMd«d 
sufficioully lar tiito tt>t> 
raoou to nako tbe tall 
•flaotlTey jmk tbo win 
•uddanlj, wb«n bo will 
be inatantlr *bM for- 
waidoci tobk £aae with 
the tcA-lMy, ajkd falling 
orer Ihe rag into the Ai*> 
place, efEMtakllj bnak 
Um beataUnateA-euT io*. 



I 




zrjf'^^'^ 



A OOlfBnrATIOlf 07 AO&ESABLES. 
Sattwijiy Aftbbxixjs— WairrWiKriASri SrsaHTSK — Wmyn fOR Onb, bat, to IIi'h.iki^iuw *mi> kack, on jDnrwiiKtii; Yor ukr. 



MASTER TOMUT-SJ 

ncr-«CIfOLD BECKim. 

R-v ta tfiy f^ Dr^nrinff- 
rvm fl^y — Tharo «rr 
ou&f wajii At 4o<D|r thb. 
It iu«ar b« ulTi<oU<l by buil- 
iT^S 't» winding it Bp tlwi 

vione «», tjikingr it to 
pieoM ksd wwblnt: it In 
bMp and w*t«r,<ir ramoviny 
tlv- auftitiipiin;. Rul per- 
hk^ the mott cffcoUre 
m; In to bava rooonno to 
iiiinlj slue. A 8!xp«Rnjr 
b^Uti of tbi* compcnition 
p>aTril ilocljr in at Uic top 
■od Kllutrrd to iicnneatc 
Um iBMkfl in OJtrj part, 
trill b« found nHst nffiua- 
olu9x Aa it rapidly liardcn* 
•cd oannoC pfMuoallj be 
dlmlnattd troia Um mo- 
tiUBigm vUliuat tubjB*t!nc 
nW] pntion o( It to a nd 
beat, it RMjr be *af dy Mdicd 
on aa K i^e nod ^ccti^^ 
medium for permanently 



— AiwT. 8Ht(L— 6aitaiw 
tatiwd bv Plaintiff (or iuith 
ika taomvfld by cDUinx nia 
haadc urEtb btvkeo glum 
iMMla In eUnUas OTur 
Octaidanfe nnkti mil, 
■»d Mnf biunn on his 
IiHiiilwi ay a lavBf* dof 
ttfidrr j-nrpiir crmttat. 




THE TJBI aTJTT 0U9 , 
ivr piD Sod omii 



.rfi/. "Dtwi, 'Abut I "Ow mn Sod ooui oowsi" "^iiy. "iO*1 Tgt*o- 



MASTEB TOUUY'S 

KOlVCaOLO aEOBIPT«. 

papa, — PuTchaM at Uio 
ooarert TinwoA Hanurae- 
vny an >igbtc«ii -P«"V 
llaroon. Now {pA Gtui»- 
p«in'a bcd<«niIlaaiidbaT- 
iii£ autfiUly stooped cat 
tbfl iwido to witluB va 
indi of t^ tm, fill ft with 
the Miitenta ot tit* Maraon 
thntjuuliavc KOOTed for 
thn putpnt^ and wplacc it 
intliocaadlndck. Ou tho 
hour arrlTisK foe bin to 
rvUra to ttix, light the 
oncdk for Grsnilpapa aiid 
■M bim tr> bii room. In a 
TMry f > w miDutOTtbc casdlc 
nil) l>k>w vp wJib a loud 
vxplotuun tLat irill ehalltrr 

the windom and loddog-- 
k'liu*, ibivor the crocket; 
-n tho rooBi, and Nt fint 
^.> Ihu b^-ourtniuK. Ou 
iraliunr ■mhai, tiai hiL|> 

Seil, tiiandimpn will not 
Co toprut hi« Bciipriw, 

UouuticHlus, — (From 
a TVadmtK'n point of vkw.; 
AdditSoM to I — Children. 
Tlinuh. HcaaJca. Hooj^Dg 
Cough. Vaooiiutdaai ^ <« 
Smallpox, Soadatlna. 
Diphtheria. Doetoia' BUla. 
Addittooal Bllla of vftxj 
kind — mora MOfatf than 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1888. 



tDHHDtlt t, Mr 




S^oMtA. "Bkinr 



THE HtBEPRESSIBLS. 

VTii Boom. 8m I I'olioii \r.A " (UtuippatUd ip kowI through 

f^r-q ltiM.) "CrrtM \Kii WiwnKn. Sin?''' 




HARD TT HTBH . 

Hts 0k4CB ciJi flTAira IT no iJ^axt, ajui iaxjm a ufca lutli Rktail BirApijat 
IX las bvfti.uiQtO}( &XCAB1. SsiAUD Kor rnxcsa in Sox-nt-jL&w vos a eau <ur 
PAresT LxMBEB Pimm (at coot pbice, ror k»v bs acBB) ! 

— ^ ~- --..-■■'-■■?• 




<MT aiTERSIDE -tDWENTUR. 
(^ TVwir fa<f aj ojipflinf or Great MoTtmi m 

I tfxe aeUin^ 
ooedtijrin tlta 
ahade. 

In the butifull 
month of 

AogOEt, 

When I saw a 

ino«t butiCuU 

Mnid 
A pockmg of 

egga la anm 

Mwdost. 
The teiira filled hei butifiiU eyes. 

And run down her butifull nose. 
And I thort il w(w not worry wiiw 

To tot IbeiTi thua spUe lier niou eloM. 

So I s^d to her, lowly and gTjnUy, 
"Shnll lelpyoii.0 fair lovely e^l^" 

Ami slie aiiwre-l. " O dwir Mr. IIk.iti.kv. 
If yuu thinks ta you can, vthy yixl khiUI '' 

And hist butif ull eyra ehone like dimnns, 

A« brf[«Iy Mch gleatiicil thro a Icnr, 
And her imile it wae jest 1il.« a <lry man'n 

When he '■ quenahingr hin tbinl wiUiMiuibcc:. 
Why filie oul1«d me at wnnoc Mr. QcN'TLEV, 

I sort quit« in warn tu diphoiver i 
Or wcotbcr 'tvraa dun Docidentty, 

Or if she took me for some oiber. 

I then Bet to work mont discreeUf, 
And picked all the egipa with gut* ore i 

And I did it bo nicety and neatly. 
That I saw tliat my skill ic.-kde her stam. 

So wen all my tarek was qntt« ended, 

She held ont her two lilly hand^ 
And shook mine, iind thank'd iae,Hii!imd*d 

Her way from the River's brite Bftndl. 

And from that day to this tho I 'fe Btoycd, 

I 're entirely failed to dixkerer 
The DSJna uf tliat britc Uairy-Mnid 

Aa broke tbirteeii e^ga by tbe Itivcr. 

HOBFBT. 

UABTEB TGMlirS HOUSEHOLD 
EBCEIPT& 

The n«Buno\u Atieeitort.—'To pTodaoe tJi««e 
moat cStfctively it is desirable to be stayinff in 
BWJUiitry house oontdinlng- » handsome- fraUery 
(if hereditary [lortniita. though In Ihplr nlvfrnrr, 
a few vnluahle family pietaresi would trTWT^i^ 
purvHOsecijually well. Hnvinjriir>nTid('dyoiirBflf 
with tuotiiiB containing r*«pectiTaly whit« liid 
vermilion quickly drying vnamel peint, piroCerd 
to bedizen the foaturec of eoob portrait In lac- 
oeseion after the fashion of the elwwn. in a 
ChriBtinw pautomim* When a whole jriilOTy 
coul»iuinir Bcveral ponemtlon* of a family ar<i 
thua treated, tho effit't is citrvincly fiuaint,, and 
your host probably eonvulacd wilh JaUKhlcr. 
will bo tho first to ttdmit that ' he did not know 
ho WW doMUiidod fivm such a wt uf huuioreiu 
BBOUBtUn 1 " ^_^___ 

SONO OF THE TAIRIKO SEASON. 
{A Dittn M Talntme'i Dag ) 

^HKN heart* and hand* t<ig«Uiar 

With health and wealtti oombinn, 
Vpdlock '• like blight Si>ring wcathw. 

While «u-ly dart are fii>i. 
Bnt wboo, wltfa Joya attondcd, 

Th* honigmioom U (pent, 
The OanuTMl Is tmded i 

And tbeo there followi Last. 



4 



ScacsanVB k&voMtxmoA tar Bomebody* 
Alnt-I-fal or A»&tt MIi*«W-'0«>»* *> 
dootlM) on taking a Qa&nUty." 



4 




jixDAtiT 7, ises) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




^-fci.- 



VOCES POPULI. 

ScMXK—ifaiimt ]Vmu^«. 

Ik tub EiLL OF Kuos. 

8tt*ral Vitilar* ftumf at th4 Jtyurn, mfJl the air n/ »» rtnn* qfraii 

iKiy art taking a t&irtif ; BmUr&tMtKil IXinkey dhiI Duulcofcu. 

Tk* SiMtuai Doh/Ii*^ {far ih* mm mkt of laying $om*tlking]. 
Htte Ton orw, yon tc«l 

A Vitilvr {wAo kn*» titfywti tehtn thiy tetrt at SalUr Stmt). 
Tli*r '^ trnagtA thorn diRumit b> irbat thur ai^<l to b« I 

[ft ditappiMiUd, wifAoiif knoieinf wAy, «rart!y. 

FirH F4inaU Ohtul (to &<««■< i/i:fM.). WbntvTW Ut<-r 't« (lL>n«, 1 
da 'ope tbur'n not done •«4t with tA« " Chamber of 'Orrors." I 
wotil<la|t gin «DTtbfa( to »h) it if th&t'a xonx I 

Cbm'e ''ofjlnry {i>iipao(i'<v group of William th» Pint emd 
MatiUa). Ear>w what tbvr 'res UTiafC> F^U-tC 

Patiy IfiiggUiy bf aatieip'iliin). Sa. Jim— whtt? 

n* (?. C^ WttU. ho'a bl'Jirinvbernp: " I/xik 'cK. MATILDA," hs 
•rt, " I *m 'kUfad if thaf 'avaii't bin &dJ let th« ThroDu-roiini flrH 
dot again y And lb***!, "It'i no nio balljrrafirin' in«. Billuk. 
tptak to tb« I^ird 'Ish Cbsmbcrluii ftboat it~it'i 'u bnunma." 

PiiUv. Bow foa da to on. to b< aur* 1 Who ftK tluM twd f Oh, 
"RlCHAKD TKK FlRHT, aod RiiKBKiininlA," (pnsuwMiMwf fe rAynia 
iw(A '■ Marit'% What »fB /A»y RkjinR P 

rA« C. C. She'* d'^DK &U the Ulkins: "New, «b take an 
aabrdU like a MuiMn nuii," tbe vx. " thtt nutr battle>axe '11 ha 
no rool at alt, if it eooiM oa to nin I " 

PoUy [tcith am fsUUie nuJgt). Oh, fOD or* t nlljr 1 ( Which it her 
higkttt meed of praii:) 

(rity com* to liirhard (Atf S»nmd «m( Iiahtltg ft Fn/ou. 

na r. <7. I/wk* torrr {m himiitf, d>o't ho P "Wsll.it'i dono 
now. and w« mutt make tbn b«t of it,"— ih*m'i<An> •aDtimnnt'. 

¥tinai* of Of B. D. [rtiidiBg from CaUtlugvt). " Uarii«d lo the 
EoRlUh Kie|F whesonlr •«T«ii;»*noId,"— porothiaff— that'eyoocf 
ti> t>«tD*Trii>dl 

Th» H. D. {nfler po^itrtnj Out <A»#npaiion trilitnlly). Tm. Slle 
IliOkt mofe than Uiat <Acrf , thoitlib. 

Iff TBR OkaI'D SlLOOD, 

Crowd {round tht $r^td figtre nf WiHiam CohhtU). Ain't faa 
natural, tool Uttoa old ome ti Ionic at. vh.'t Tbat'a a tituS-bLU 
he '• 'olding. Ton 'II tee hii 'cd ^n round pnscntlr. 

[Ur. Cobhetfi head Ivntt tuddmig ^r•l^ a hiand tiarr. All (4* 
UWn«'i fir* a UtU* tiart. and go off to Cht tlt*ping figvrt of 
Madam* St». A maranth*. 
TXi B. D. Irt^ing frvm Valahju*). "Taktn fmm life a few 
montht hefon ber H«oation." — A Ttry faTtanate««o»pe! 

Si* FrmaU (Jooking otw hi* tHoatdrr). Bat it laja the ditd hj 
theKui'loiloel 

TAf H. D. So it d). Ah, well— that {dtiperaUly) wu no doubt 
on ii)0» other ocoaiiuo. 

S^fTV a Pfviv aaumg tehitA Qu**n EUtahrth, Smrv the S«)*nth, 

and air FiroMcit Baron art rtprnmtti. , . Thi* u a etry 

dramatit ondappropriaU taUfiu , ty Iha nay, and, in th4 aittnt* 

t(f Shaktptar*. aJmoit lo/tvt l^t great prahlrm. 

A Vititar Irrfyrring to Qutm EUi^&tih't totumt). Ton doa't we 

dNMfB like fiu aowadar). 

nu B. D. (to Au Fiimal*]. Ton 'to read all the fou thej'n 
i ffaUny about that Bioox, htTeo't foaf 

VOL. lar. 



Bit FruutU, No, I didn't are it. {Sh» i* IJu kind ff prrtoH wA« 
tan rtttJ as y paptr all through andnirtr " ttt" anylkiif. B* mdt 
a ifwtpaptr vttationaUg, and relaint a gtneral idea cf tht eaitttntt.) 
Wha(i.mf 

TAe U. D. Well. I didn't mA it Ttrj oartfull)- m^Mlf. but it 
aecni th&t ^h lUriuiB wrote all BACOx'ti Cr;pt<igrafu, aiid UTor 
gax ths oradit f.ir ihcin. 

^M FemaU tMifmuUly). What a ibame ! 

[TAtif arriet at a froup rtprt'tntiitg Bright, CahdtH, Lard 
limafham. and fiitnirl O' C'-ifuU. 

n* B. D, [afUr eJiamining Iktm prr-foundlf], Ah—todlthojr 
look il too I 

IB* hat net tht foinl4U nolinn tclial he mtant—nar h^ tht. 
Th^ moFaiin pJe^itd ivi-'h 'A-miaVm and en* onethrr, 

Tht C. O. [haitmg brfore en Eld-rly GentlinnaH who ij Ming 
daienh Hu'inutBrf i-<> wtll doao ai theotbnrm; wanti clvanioit up a 
bit. The; h«T^ l«t him get >o (babbjr. Tht-; niixhc «t&D<]biina 
bctt^ 'at. U^lr uld he/Rr«r too. Duel it tnj who be'* Meaat fort 

Th* E G. lanfril!/'}. Go awajr. Sir. What do fou nwan bv tbtM 
rcmirki? You'™ no (ffntlnm«n, f'irl iRittt. 

Tht r. C. {mofinf fff hutVu)- WuU, if he^'tODOof tbetUffeTi, 
heoojht t« be tddtd, Itiat 'eall. 

Iv HaLL Ko, 8. 

Th* M. D.'» FrmtU. HsyvntT, C'lme here, qnifiV ! (Hmnrrar u 
tigngtil in maUtkinq !Hr. Genrge Odger far John WytltUfft, hit 
(e'lrs himvrlf iticav fnym Ihir fmcinatinff oecupjiti^in' . HUKKaT, thift 
[rrri'tnlialiy] U tht id'Olio*! umhi'Ttllii Dr. R rMi* i.T thl«W dowo ill 
the IIau*n tit CoinmonB,— Why did ho throw it down F 

The B. D. Itciih a fimfuied rtrolUetion e/ ttarln), BeMUM ha 
«ud it wai what would bo at * very Bogliahinaii'* thntt if th<if 
didn't iri*' thoClaimtnt hia rtdhto. 

Bii Ffi'U [rriiirnlly). It'» not nal AlpMa. 

7'^ //, D. That dotBu'teUDilr- It's tb«prinfi>i< of tbatfainc, 
he Wat arKiiine far. 

A Smnii C'Ai'U <.who hit diariwirrd thai htr rtmarki C'tutt grateit 
•111 prt'ple In tmi'e, anil btfiimit m 'Tf iw(ii6^t in cmtrqiimtt). All the 
Ei'ivt end U'lMua are ualjr b'lr dnllie*. and thcf lu>k half akWo. 
Mi"h-r. ar.n't the E>nxt and Qq-oos bi< dollifi. and dmt Utry took 
bJf aiWp ? Bij[ half-ail'fp i^ll^t, Muihur, ercn't 'b"» ^ I waot 
t»>»«t the h^bi-a — who^■ tre 'hn bihivi, llijtb.T P M^y 1 •*" the 
hahiM? Wdl lb»Y b- Ilk. J/".i(trs batiT* Will MiRT's habj bo 
A»Tef Why •»Vt M«ftTi<>abf behinj? IiMjtBl'aiuiy a dully. 
l(uth*rr Will Mxttr K<i hi.io f 

[^nJtii on, un'itth' pn-tfi Sfrt/A^r it afraid the ttiUforfftt kaff 
tht dertr thingt I'ktST hat taiJ. 

Ix rmi CaAUBsa or Ilostioiui. 

The Ohnnli do errrything therotteUy, drriting *lp*eial tatltfatliem 
from the eight ff the idtntieatlUnfetmphj^ in a r*Miraitdeat«. 
and a pftanng plan of a tktirtnn. irifA alt Iht h«mt and 
ntittinj h"n't ind-ctttd in thadtd ink, nfltr nhirh thty relirr to 
A'lirv a r-->mfvrt^lt tea, and talk ortr tehal they hare urn. The 
Bahitatl Dankvy it tarprittJ to hear ofttrteardt, ihit hr pitntd 
IfapaUfin'* Carriofe in the Xopoletn Chamber. Be had htard 
il uiu there ~ but furgtit la lonk oat f-r it, J ha Cunie Or-chnay 
got into the vthi-.le, of eonrte, pallid owl all tht drattrrt and 
lockeri, and made PriLi-X giggle by prtletiding la It Ifapolmn. 
So vt art able to bring damn our Cvrtain vpoti a tceni of 
vtittrtai eonftnlmttU. 



PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 



[Jan*cai.t 7, 1888. 



TWO JUBILEES. A HARMONY IN BLACK AND WHITE. 








St. PiTSB'suid St. JamM't face to fM«, 
EsobuigisK, with a moin than murtlr Knoe, 

Thi^ir niututi gifts «dia iTMtiiiira 1 
A tight to "tir (ho hiitot ; hot tho wJM 
lUgnrd with ohtorfiil and ooinpliCMkl ttTM 

This plr&BUiteat of meeting*, 

QuMB. (re«h from fifty ycnrs of glorionn «w»y ; 
FoDtill, in the grcnt Ilcodihip utrnnff, thdiish unj ; 

A world'a g'und wiRhefl Bather, 
Ffcm eentlc hmrt» of nil tho crf.iiin, to liowpr 
With loT» tho two ohiftf types of hi«h-iiUurd pow«t, 

Good QiiMD and Holy Father. 



Two Jubil«M! TaXriat'Puneli ia Dothing loth 
In lio* kod VOne tt ovU hraUi them both. 

Trun frccRiui he. ncfottrrcd 
By senile fear, or hntw'ii poor purblind hD«t. 
When>uoh"itr«»l o[iiioHte» in friend nhip mtol, 

Wil and the world iMin bftUrcd.^ 

Th« willing'bow of mutnnl rc«|>fOt 
I.«kT(> indiridaal hnnoar stitl erpot. 

And liborty anihaken. 
Wbat bulwark fails bi>cmuiD purm* the laiida 
Two diTurte aoTt-nigni thrir illmtrifJOB hand* 

In nmity httTo tikm V 



jAiroAAT 7, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THE ElME OP A PAMOUS FICTIONIST. 

(Sm Mr. Vxt-Ttn IIb>juit*i Artiol* "On He Writlnj of 
VuTtii," la AiaCanla toi Dvmxbitr, «Dd Mr. PuneA't tomnuott* 
on Vb» mn« in No, for DdmbH 34.} 

I. 

It u k famoo* Ficttonitt, 

And hit eye» are (all of woe— 
" Ilr Ihy m»ny bdolm in Mittiie's liit, 
How whereloru lookst thou lo t " 

EflMOiU he brtatbei b hesvv kigli: 

"Tbcro W4» n lasB," (jootn he; 
" Ono Ia.i» ? Nay mor*— « liuudted^icor*— 

And UxBj liitoacd k11 to mn t 

** Tbc terstchinic of s myritd pen* 

Kogwd on componitionn 
lfoT*d liT tbe luiQd* oi myriiu] ffirU 
'.Of «1| (iirU and oonditiom.' 

"Xhej wrot* ot lliiiiir« they ne'tr bsd (MB— 
Thur vurds woio wild uud hollow ; 

And erery d»y, for work or jiky, 
XhU one pnrtuit did fuUuw. 

".In *ditoriitl piffeOQ-holBS 

Their [iianiiBfln[it9 yon '11 find, 
Or cIm. itlack I thi'y itll cnnie huik, 

Iiworibad,— ■ With thank*, duoUntd,' " 

", Now mine thee, famovw Fioliooiit, 

From thi« dwpimdeiit plight I 
"What happ'.'nod tbt-n ?"— '■ Witi my rtwl p«n 

Itauffhl thoii OirU to uiriU!" 

II. 
" Th« m% of ink naw rose and iprcad, 

And fllUd the wondenn; town — 
I WM tho firiit, with pen nooonrt 

To break the barriers down. 

" Dnwn dropt the prices paid o( old 

By pobllBlwr* to niH— 
Now «T«ry irirl oould write aa well,' 

'Twu lad aa aad uoutd be I 

" Hw OoUrit BuUrrHy did lecm 

Bo UKRer than il gnat, 
Uf itMla broken, and my <]aill 

la played with by the oatl . 

".Ah, w»ll-a.daT ! What eril look* 

On yunng ami eld I »hp?i. 
And now I, in the pUoe ot booki. 

Hake bri«kt to earn my bread t " 



«MABKY NOT COME UP." 

[J Pa^ from a Staiiitie Homanct ol the Near Falure. ) 

AxoKLiVA aat in her boudoir pondering over her paat. 
Sm HW heiMU a child man)', many years ago ; thru 
tnOBC 1*^T Jo^t rulrtued from sDhoul ; then a rariih 
TMtU; ft BMpltsl Nurse, an Authoress, and a Doctor. 
AadaUttmiatli ber life^W ion); life— Kdwlm had boon 
boal Itwaa a awwt thDiighll Bho yiolded herself so 
tkonuklv to Ihu HDliment of the momc-nt that she 
llikd to obeerre t^t the man (if all others before whom 
■htt VOnU wiah to make a brave ihow was itandiiift in 
Um room in front of her. He hid entered the apartment 
■BObMrrcd while she bad Ven lost in n reverin. With 
■dmitmble but he itnmbird over a chair, and tbnn gave 
her tima to eompMO herM-lf without embarrRoament. 

"SbwotI" um exclaimed, "hnw yon startled me I " 

" I am MRT to hear it, dear Ajtni:uxt ; for believe me 
ttkat 1 am oonscioas that persons at oor time of life " 

"Bowisl" she cried, beaeeohinitly. 

"N«r, he«r me out, AM)Ni.tit&l It would be f&lse 
Madiww, taj duUnr, if I had tri«d to oonueal tlie truth. 
Mr amm lorvd one, too will dbtm lee tlie sunny aide of 

"Tow once used to «ay I wai no more than fifty," the 
pot in with a pout that wnshalfplayfal, half reproaohfnl. 

"Ton arenght, my own soul!" ho cried, passionately: 
" Vol that, darlinj, wa* fnllj- ten years bro. But be that 
•a it may, all ! would »ay i» that at our time of life— 

r3 b«ir. daiUnf; — our.' — amddenshock iamostinjiirions 
oa. Now. I woBldjtin worlds if yon ooitld gnesa what 
I wish to «ay ta yott. 








FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. 

VatmplDJIti Partg {afut had nel TKrirtd V\t innaliea hi bftftd/vi). 

'/tkiou) tkm UTrba Foonni-i ih ivk ShjiowI''' 



■V*Bt 



"How oan It" she asked, with •'ooqoetllab g:Unoe front beneath ber 
■peotaolea. 
" I haro been trying to prepare yoa for it for more than twenty yean. Can 

you not (tucaamy secret l* 

Sbo lookod down and sighed. Then ibo put her finger near hor mootb, and 
smiled. 

" Hiiw tike the attitade in that pietors of jon, over yonder— painted nearir 
half a oi^ntury ago 1 " 

"Yon lire very tronbleiome with your datei, Gowtsl" aaid AxoxmtK, 
rathpr tartly. 

" My own. do Dr)t speak hirshly to mr. Believe me, if I did not suffer from 
rheiirnatism, I would thrjw myself on my knee* at your feet. My own, my 
dflrliuK. will jou be my wife?" 

For a moment Asoeliw* blushed with joy. Tlion she turned as white aa 
marble. *' Iiiip:<seible : " ahe said at lost, in a harsh sad voioe that sounded the 
very ulteranee of despair. 

" Why impasiiblor" heoiolaimed. with all a lowr's tandoraeM. 

" Wo muit bo worthy of oar ordgr," aaid the noble mtddle-aged pwww 
firmly. " We ran«t not do what thrt/ wonld nit do. Have you not read the 
EeKtitrar-Oenerara Report f " 

I have," hn answered, jrlooraily. 

"Then 1 need not aririie the matter so ably advooated. EDWijt.my own, my 
soul, my darlioe. w* nm'i'jt ni'jrry bteaaae uit art too young!" 

And Konia bowed his head lu sUonoe, beonuso he knew that AnsBUJIA 
w»» not talkinir tX raadi.'Tn— thit Asoii.i.Vii was rii;ht. 

And while thi<4e two fond bcirti prulcutly piuod away in single bappJneN, 
the recipe for making wedding -cike> n» t'»t to the worlii for ercr I 



WONDEai-OL CKEATDEESI 



What in a ' Permanent Deaonn ? ' 
He i» a man with ft nirA field [Why, 

Of work before him. 
Authority o'er him. 

Has *■ W. 1). LiCHi-iKLi.." 



" N4 charge for him haa ret appeared, 
In tithe-list, t4x or poor-rate ; 

'A Permanent Deaeoa* '■ not M 
weird 
As a - Ferpetoal Cniate t * " 



WniT KiLun wiahed Svith on January 1, 1$^. A " Happy New 'Bar." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JiSDABr 7, 1888. 



PUQILATIO R6DIVIVA. 

(B» TttZ OnoiT or CtniSTitux To«.l 

"I nm, my d«v 0**," r»m\ik-d Cijbi.vthiam Tom |/i Jesst 
Hiwinosir. m tKsf tMnTcrscd in Th» Hhsdrs. " tbut limn ku been 
ft mviral in I/>3don vt tha nohlo Art uf SeU -^eftnoH." " Imdeed I " 
replied TtiiviB'tBir. "Hdw well i romtrmbirr how w«*Jmpp«d in' 



M 


^m1 




^ 


H|H 


^^^^Bj^^^^^^^^^^^T^^- ^^^^^^^^B 


H 





upon Mr. Jii-'K.hon in old dufi, ud Iww yon introdnatd me to the 
CltXMi'iuN •lY lisuusu, who W4» Mowing a eUiud, mid whcue Juck 
IS'iqU yr- iithid twi-aty puunds." " Ym," mid Tok, " »nd wn bhw a 
rftthor t^ui/;/ irf-!o with the gloveB, the luit time we reviiitrd 'the 
gliaipio* of the mofin,' 'What my yaa to ■ IrV/i to «>Tlh again, for 
*a inmligatiim oi l.ipu in Liikdiid of to-day f" 

Jbbbi IIawthorn waa aic'viible. and h« and CoBncTitUN ToH 
wera MOD iu tho midot of '' Ltrs m Losdon," and liut uii tima iu 
oallinit on younK Bob L<ii)ic. whu wm a'Vy *pi"'4" likehi'fathor, 
and iiuitu UH /nil *ub oil tlio 8FKK(3 uf Ihn Mctrupulia. " KaihitiD) 
hnvu vhaUKed, my dturCux," mud the CuUINritliM. " and the youuf; 
BUCKS and BXacisrm tcnm tu us to dreaa HtrnnKel]' : but 1 ■upiiosc 
their ntlire it ' all the go' uuw, and th»B ara the tu/eli suiU m«(lif bv 
the Dii'Kkt FftiutriT ol tho day." " Kijtht you are, old Vhappif" 
■aid yuung Bob l.ooiC. "' And now, what n it ycu want to see I" " 
JiHHi waa »«Uier so.itidiiliatii at thn ' ire? and wy * t"nf of jonnK 
OoB PMrtnl* iiiii:h u, tllJ aiDoDK thu " 0(i»b'' fla the CoiilM'UHw. but 
Tom merwly amllnl unii nui l, " WnU, Matttir B jIi, we hnvu hvaid ttiaC 
th" King III atige i>t I'uxllixn i* i>non m»ru a fialart al ' LlVK IN 
LonDciK,' and in starnh i-i Vhuriittar wo wmild c iisparu tho i'rcx'iil 
with thti Put." " Niithinit vaau r," did Toung D<tti. " Iji^I u> l>iok 
in at the Fkininicn Clah notne Siindiiy mitnt, aud yiiu cnn hcd ' ti<ar- 
riAjf' twyuur heart'* V'int«ut: io taui I taiiik 1 can iii'riidii<>cyuu t' 
ft fHfular KiHxl 'KluYo-llKbc.'" The Trio wruC to the Flummni', aixl 
truly It iiriBtnted a uiiiilry *l|{ht. It wai full of tb« iniiit rxtra- 
uidinary uliaiauU'rB »1 Lrps in Lokdux, all jiistliuK eaub uthtr with 
the uiTDoit (untr'/zoiiJ. There wrro tho Sitkll aud lli-i tfiioA— the 
Mwu KU and ihe Mug~\\i!t Jaw and the Jai^pi'ii^the i-'lit and the 
Shurp—xha TH«niiB>iAK and tho T"ff -^ke LuMiC (rl VnCiLlar and 
the ('/y-/uifr-ttiu I'DKFiIB and tliB U'.i.Acr— the Bl»CK-LK» and 
lh« f (jiriin — in ihnrt it wia an rpitumn of " hl^h'' aud ' iuw" life, 
whilv, u* the (^iiimhuk uhirrv.'d I'l hi* C x. " OiiiiTi.KHE'f aePTDrd 
to hnioareor tban iht^y wsrv in *«ld data.' " Kvvryuiia wm driuking. 
"S. and H.." "Whi-kw and Potwh." "Qm nod GmK.r-ft.cr," 
"Bitl*r Be-r." "^jr.mt." "Ptrc," ■■aii*rrj," and "Ch.impagno " 
Were muuh in domaud. utttrl» evaryonii t"i win " (.Iowiuk a ilipiid,'' 
and a vreat many of t(je>i) V.i!»rit» of Btouhai wito liirite ikurli in 
t>it tcind, rtiDlninuir CuBiNTHLix Toil aud Jbbbt fiAWiaoBIt ot the 
Oxonian and hii iuoltnalion t^ K^t buiky. 

A pcrwn, »pparent!y ot triah txLraoliDn. whi) seemud 1o hftVB • 
"good conceit of himself." wu then inltoduocd to tho oompany «• 
the CuAxrfO» or Tua Woblb, and proonxliid b) box. with another 
^dividual wbo hud ODnui " in hia wike." " Nuw," aaid the 
COKUiTuux, " v« abftU HO wbcthor thii nippoced ' alogger,' it is 



* haody wilh Lis tnauluy* ' at tny old friend Mr. Jackson." He BOon 
di>i»vrred. hoireTer. thatthEa Mi-oalled " epirrins'inatoh," was but a 
th/im, for ibe indiiiduaj who waa boxing With the Champios. <ioo- 
tentod himiolf wilU " warding oil " the blows and never returned 
them ; or, it he did to, it waa in a mo»t half- hearied manner. On 
iaqoiiine of young Bon tho rtfa*jn of t>ii», ho said. " Oh, the 
' bloke'a' hisatlendint, paid to viand np and he panimtUi-d. don't yott 
know." whereupon tho Coiiintiiiak einrvnnpd hi* hii[b indignation 
at what he termed " such priiilijiuuii h""ihug" and wondered that 
H.R H. »hou!d have tondtm-mdrd to pstronise it. 

There WR» DO douht, however, but tfii\t th« Art of S-lf-PnfenM was 
0D0« more oq the fn^ii), and D'.tine Humour bud g%rcn Ihn nlH'-e to 
some of the "knowioic covi-b" that two aspirants lur ptiKilistio 
hononrg were to me«t in the Prize KiaK. But it wai said that the 
battle was to be in France, aud CoBUTniAir Tom declined to wiLneai 
a iuhtthit did not take pUea on BunioE soil. "No.''!aid be,"I 
witnrBsed the memorable oombat between TomCbihii and MolmbaiiX 
at Thiatleton Gap, nnd if I cannot »es a ' »et-lo ' in the Eing in my 
native ooantry, I will not do >■) elinwhere." Yonnir Bou Lodio, 
howerer. wbo h»d the " tip," wpnt off with wme brother FuMIX- 
ooics, and on an island in the Seine among the " Farliy-voot," he 
witneaaed the "ftstio encmnter" bfctireen the representative* of 
England and Amerioa. He oame back in gr^at gloe at having 
"qu*er«d the bobbies" on this aide the Ch»nn#l and " bivlherod th« 
fftndiirmei " on the other, and Coristhi.in To« obtcrved lo hi* Cia, 
that young Boit ws» enJentlr a "prime favourite" among tha 
VAai'piei and Oommim, and tike a errtain siiriKhlly "ayuiiih o( 
the stage," he euuld always "oonut upon Ibe liuvs," It uertainir 
seemed also that this tneonnt«f bad beun full of "tr"'" The 
"Cookies" of the hearts ot Cohim-hiak Tom and Jkbbt Hawthors 
warmed as they heard and read of " Sbbing" and " Counleriug" u( 
"red-hot smacks," "left-handers oa the nob," " rib-roaaters," 
" upper-oolH." " exohnngea," " bajhcB," " knock -downers," " body- 
punohea." " apankera," " weltfl," " amashera," " whistlers," 
'"rattling ivori.s," "stingers," "hang*," "hot-uns," and of the 
"tapping" of the "olaret, ' and the flowing ot "the ruby," It wai 
•aid by some eartlUri that there waa loo much wreriUng, or as they 
called it "auddiing," but at Gokiutuias Tok remarktd, "it was 
the sort of ' cuddling ' no raoin would nire for who was not 'in train- 
iig.' as it involved hrary yiiniihmiiit and Imrd fighting." Jkbbt 
HswTQOBN a«roed wiih him. and "aid, "both ra^n appeared t) have 
shown pluck." " You are right," s,Md the CoMWnUAif, " both the 
oombAtants showed skill, tlamina, and maaly tntT«pidity, They 
wete Tiri feulhrr-hcd fi'jhteri »% has been insinuAtcd. and their O'liKf- 
n«( was prived btyoud iiucitiou. Thia meelinit iud-ied will take 
runk with the Olympian <uauUDt«r betweeu Hatkb3 nud Uernan." 

*' Right you are," said young Bob ; " hut do you think the Benki 
are going to stand a revival ot the Prize King, or will the Sibbiri 
still bo down on m'^" "That," said the CoHiKTaiAM, "is a poier, 
I see that one Monitor of fh« Public warns tts that we need not ' hug 
fiurselvea with the delusion' that the daya ot the Ring will return. 
It reminds us too of the * plants ' and ' orosaes' and of the lowtit nf 
the lots, who euppirted pugiliam. It ae<ma to me then, that while 
thtr« is no ohjeolion to our prnotising Ihe Noble Art of Self- Defence, 
Ihu POG[i.t8i'ic AuKHA will not be open to onr ntodtni gladialort. 
W« shall no longer be able to earid as of old :~ 
" A Rntin np' it nn jmniFirds, 

No bfiToi 'lo:iK tiia alrcot, 
BIa Crunc i< in a ii1ri>iif-rnpi*d ling, 
A aqunte of tRssIy-lecI." 

"Ah, well," said youoif Bon; " I anppaie weahallstiUbe allowed 
to have cur pri«ate iiim^upt, and I can lell you it 's ■pretty warm 
work aompriimei." "I do not think," ennlinmd Ihe Com nth us, 
*' thit wr ibiill erer see such soene* again ai m thu Augustan Age 
of the Ring, but il we do, ihl* onmhat ii " np to inrnplf." It was 
made undur the ■)iiif(''fit of the heat and moat Inrgilr circulated of 
SjHiiiing NcWBpupors, whow hoaat is ' Nunijunm JMitniii,' which 
wat once edit«d by my ji'i' and bioitrspber Pikkck Eran, and Lords. 
Bironeti, Offlui-re, and mmy real fporli and (ii'.rtl!«»— a tiuly select 
o.iuipiny— stood round the combilaiils. Yet he would he a rmA 
mri/i who dared to predict a real reTivil of ' th> palmy daya of the 
Pr le Riuir'' True, Boxiug it uuoa m'ire forming part of LiFS IS 
LojaDON ; but, OBBling mj optiri oa the Bruisers and Uluttons uf the 
i'lUt, I oan but rxcUim, in an aneii'nt lingn — 

" Udu [liirai, heu piitca tit*, invlctaiiue belle 
Deitn.'l 

!l»Bdolpli in BusaiB. 
" Lord RAiipf>iPa Cbcbcuili.'* Ohriitmas trip" 
Has set the ttiba ot iiuiduuno skipt>iiif , 
Pooh I Xhuuglt th« BuuikB bear has grip. 
He'll hardly aat«lt ikii " ULpper " trippiBt I 



■iW 



iui KB, OLUtnVRX «XOWBAU.EI> U nOTKR. 

"Bs ECent unmauittly."— i-<«r. Ait I., &o««* I. 



Jandaxt 7, 1888.] 



PtINC3H, OB THE LONDON CHAR^'ARI. 



LANE AND GARDEN. 

" Akma viruwtqu* tana," must bo tb« motto of Atracvrcs 
DxuuouvM for tbi* jw'% ptatniniiiu. Vlaay \n armour tornp 
hsTo w* g^td OB Iwfm. bat nenrr tush a dinpUy \% tbih V'<it 
magt^flfa*, mmt e« n'ett fiu la P^Mtomim*. I aa not tanj to notiet 




ABfutiu " la ptoprtA PuM-avDer." 

that DBimiOLAHim doci not iro in for a Grand TranitormatioD So«ie. 
Hadame Eatii LuniBB's Fairiea, »om<> fluvcr«, aiiil a banjue, or 
rattier a pleature-boat. iii the diiitaiiM> muBed br ohittlrtiD, is a« 
mnch a* he (rives us. and >iuit« enoaBhantr Uw inrfuit ol ir^rKcositr 
which Um audlenoH )u.vv had in the dot«n or more UatgaiDg BucDca. 
H«m, Hbbsibt O^UPBELL aud HjiitE,)' IflcBOLU ar« very droll 
H Sine aad Ua«io, and though Ihc "Old Oentlemau and hi* 
Detkar?' bj the Brother* OurpiiHa. majr be a bit pUjrtd oat fur 
Uu atBMn, nt the ohiUrm. for whiwe dclt«tation Pantomime in 
prtautilr utimded, will be delighted with the inimitable jnoliaii. 

Xba two Brothers of Joceli^n Marquit •/ Curabat will alford the 
fouthfnl plargoer much amaumeQI, and Jucclun bim<olf, impf r- 
•mated by Uiis Wadmik,— ifbom. (if eonric Vne/e Tuhy will take 
hia cephewi and lUeoM and all the little 8hand«an famllj' to kc, ia 
tccdcr iDtTaarf of the Widow TVadtnan — Inok* biDdaome. and plays 
icd tingn cha/Mifttlr* Matter LtcKi, the andvftatod illntlrator of 
DarwiDwiDO tlworiM, ia this year an airile est instead of an aorobatio 
tMukoy. Xt> qoolo the Pol«, Vy thu time of " Annit Laurir,"— 

At taenj liul* La PHI 
W# lau(h oiitil •» cry. 

Tha Silrer WeddinctoM is to my thia1tic(r. the pettiest cflsot In 
Ibt PaBtonima^ notUie preltiest thinfc rv^n tur Bomu y<'arB. even 
m Iha ataffe of Drdrr Lane. Uke all modarn hantumicaca. it rrquirn 
OOBdcuatjon, for it brE-ioB too early and cods too lato. lo that our 
dd friend Ur. Baukt Paisk tho CWn ntoit bo linilcif wnitioK to 
oome on, nnrl his youn^frimdBbovo to be hurricdofihnfDrchr! appears, 
or arc too fitijnicd to cDJiiy tho roal huinonr« of Uic Harlfquiiiadf, 
Mi»i I.mr l.tTin, oa thn Priarfm SuintarU, rfimindeil nio o{ 
Miu CoKn-AiccxQitxniJiiii'r in "the palmy days" t>i burlesque at the 
Gaiety — th*y ar« the legfry days now. aad, aooordiDC to newspaper 
raporta, avisn tho Oallsriaas and the Pittite* ittaumA " eomelhmit 
Mir"of Uiair old lavourltea— but this by t^ ww^— and also, in 
MMWof her daoM*. of Mi»s Eatt: Vaciiiax "a»*1ieuicd to was," 
whlB^KatCr'dlorlhpim^'ioatObrtiilmtu tim>! aud ezempMed the 
PO*ttT of niVtint. DRURiOLANrs is tuV'ociuiraUilati.'d an usual, but I 
■MflU4Jfr> JNotrAwilliitruiittly urjcehim toiuatitutus new ilvparlure 
MXt OhlUiua. and, with one nood ipiTtauular loene. which ahuuld 

not antioipat* ifaa glorias uf the TronifonnatioD, and onn ipecially 
" pretty aMMi, tet him giro ni lota of frolio, oomio buaincu, and 
real paQtamima tan, all to bo over by eleyen, and at Ua let the 
HarleqniBad« oonmcaoc. Suob a Pantomime would com», tn quote 
the poet, "tike a boon and a blciiins to rata." 1 auit not for([+t 
to maotton tha pantaonime heads and hands at Drury I<ane, which 
aio worka of Ksnaine Comio Art. 

7m thi G<n-Jfn.—\i it be a diffliralt matter to dwide which is the 
better of the two Pantomimes. The I.aue or The Uordin, the latter 
eaa at least claim Cokqcest, who ia Iho beat Oiint I've sera far a 
ioBf tii»e. There areplenty of (pwd thinjt* in Jack and the Sean- 
atolk. frtMB Jaek. Mis* FavKT Luuk, who i> lull of beano, down to 
Ihe little boya, tb* HoABKns (odd sami!, loands iikn that of a bank- 
rapt tamilT, "iXo asaeta") who pcrlorm rrally wonderfully «« 
aiiiiattirB bieyete*. The drilling scene of yootbful soldiers— all 
" iiooj of Hars," ot ooaraa, as you oaa t«U by their "jm*"— wiUl 



in 11. Aoay oo wonaeriui ncn 
always aa if in the Oiant * ah 
Joy," but a Jor whiuh knows u 
Tclfoiu MToboia (eata— and w 



delitht the children, as will also the vmr protty mixed coataow 
ballat and honailioe music of the clever VilUice Blaoktouth'* family, 
wbieh laet cotrntaiament deserred it* triple tncrg. 

In the Bnttfrfly Ballet at the Oraath upper*' Ftast, tbo dancing of 
Si^ora S<-T.> is kUTtbinfr but ao-su. while ''Fun an fA* Qiy*" by 
UiuTs. Quxrrm and Auueu., altirpd aa iK^Rrooouks— «achalt*'^T''> 
black and wbilo- i> a most unginal poifiirmanc«, wilh r««d Mionar 
mil. Ttiaf do wonderful ncn>batio tcati wilh Isblaa and chain, bat 
ibitnoe they wars "snalctimir a fearful 
no bonnda, a* ia showo bj ibf ir msr- 

w*re afraid o( waking «u«h a nets* as 

■DlKbt wake tbe Uonster, who would retnm and ifo>il tholr sport, aa 
bis blsok look* wonld soon put eV'-a thesa two nigsera out ol man- 
tcnoDoe. Mr. FaAMX Haw. as OiJ Kmf CaU with eom* sparks of 
tan in him, seta most of it, however, out d his make-np which 
bears an absard bat atrikinK rosemUanoe to tba well known fentvea 
of a oartain noblo Ixird, not altofaUMT noknown In th» yaiddior and 
tboatrical world. Mnwa.'WooBandWiLUnaKBiKkalwOTsrreoKie 
old WDMen, and there are pleatr ^ brisk tanas, *la«ia(, and dancaBg. 
I most not forvet the "Chatue ArtuU, If. CawuBXV' whoea iMta- 
Bcorphosei will d*li«tit Ur. Barlot^t Toonff friends mere than ukxc 
otOvo^ Bis"&aKAB.,"howeT*i',isnBi)*tak*. 

SoBto of the aoMa* are chanunglv' paintad, aonta by Cauxott, 
some o( the rvetia eort br B4in»— *' Mossr Btska." Ferhnp* the 
best lAudteap* b the Bxtencr of Castle TemM'. ^uch U n work of 
Ham. 

Mr. BitDos Bxrru'e Tranaformaticii 8oeD«, mlcht be effeetive with- 
out tho Moderator Lampa and oobnared ahadn ; as it 1>, it t*a onlv 
bo Fpukraof aa uodtraMr taoessafnl. In the Harlcijulnsde, wUoh 
bofrioa about a quarter to elcren, there arc four aMnca, a double soiplT 
of Clowa*,Columb^i«s, andapairof Faataloon*. QintenenfOTof 

I V iTin 




lbE« I Jitk before tbF ConquMt. 

Pantomimiats with ono TlarUqain. I don't think little Saupt, 
thooith mlrnrtitpd in thn bill, was one of thoC'lowna, but th«re were 
a pair oi Piinttl'ions. thouifh only onn wna nicntiinc'd ia the biiL 
Which is the belt«r ? Which takts tho Twdlfih CakoF 

But Uuii merits vho can neuure — 

CoTSDl (nrdtn > Dtury Lnnn I 
If in ana you may tlnd pli^sure. 

In the ether you 'U toi Pathn. 

The Tordiot muit b« pronnunnod by tho Children who will he taken 
to see both. 3i> Girls and Qnys nimr out to the pUjr, the moon it 
shinae aa bri|ht as day ; and so, wishing a happy holiday-time to all 
of my yoonx friends, I am Toar* seaaonablr. 

Am I.tmB, 

Fair Trnder. 
"fix |[iv« foa a wriolcic," eaya Time, 

To Professional Beauty, now fading. 
She repliat, " I have it«t one, for I 'm 

Shopkeeperinr— «all it Fair-Ttading." 

Uairr of (he ForeJKn Jonraaliala should be dear to the heart of 
O'-neral BALTanavm Booin, aa they oaotributa to keep np Tit* 
War Cry. 

BT k run Btcv. 
TBtmTuryittn's nstarehidr | 'ris,anthe Commoowtal a skid, 
1 'U furnioh a sulutiom ; j Prsrycntinf Xfrotuiiim ! 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Janitast 7, 1888. 




THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. 

Wkt. bus wi xkE AOii.s, Tot. lilt Sr.irn Tint! Now, ip i h*d WAstxii to au y«p. I bal« sxi w« hhoi'ld xkvbr 

HATB jm AT AU,!" 



BIRDS OP ILL OMEN. 

THt Y««r thftt ii npeain^ trekhlf twfore ni 

Should ring with the nifht merrf mu*io of b«Il* ; 
Out uu ve. Oirle. hwtiiie wildly ia ahorati 

Why liuil re iCa adveut with oroaktoc* uid Tellt F 
like iron-ataircd harpieB, like fuul-fi9tthcr«d lUtiei, 

Ye hover and hurrv. ye flutter and f um. 
Poor jroung Eii^hl}*- Eijcht in Iil< at-nt aoareu iwoure U ; 
Why Iniillnily iluilsr nnd (riithti'ti him lhu», 
With omtnoiu ooto IhsLt vi jinglo'uul jat i 
To- whit, tvi-whoo 

Tn-wbit, to-lV«r.l 

Yoa goitg'I«-eT^< eoo»»-quLlled, iaoontlcent crouken. 

Yon trouble our tympiouuia all thu yeu ruumi. 
01 Bbiadr up-«tirri:r». Ill piisiuu provolten, 

Yoar idiot fury m often aU Bnuad, 
And ligDilioi— ootbinji not scJliih and tiniitcr. 

Trick of Mtmition, or dodge of fiaanoo. 
Whv niiiiit yiiir toImi to Tinlracn miniatiir'? 
Whv ihould ►oil iind our poor wnrlii Mich m. d«DC«? 
Wby muit yon choru* round battln'i r«d o»r F 
To-whit, tu-wh.iol 

Ta-wWt, to-Warl 

SoTclj ol folliM the nutdiicit, infcrnalcit, 
Out of ali follin thit firr our und aarth, 
Ii'the hyatcricil hent of thn jnumnliit, 

Cfnicu Moirnin it may^t to wild roirtb. 
PtttUt u U»rt prondly poaino', und t1utt«rlnff 

Pcatlitn TiUatio, aeema iitritn|(Fly abiurd. 
Oirlfl in t'>n<« of so ortule iitt^'rinir 
Oukit* lit wmtlj, li>oka a ludicrous bird. 
Silly your ahrick. ytt it Houndeth afsr, 
Tn-wbit. ta.wbuo! 

lu-whit.to-War! 



fiuudlai of lluJI ia a bcUrv belaboariiitr 

Bight'* wearied ear witk I'auophonous dio. 
Hurt be a nuii&noe to neideitts n«ighbourinf 

Still ooiiiy fooliihneu nt eds cot be itn. 
But yooj rfclame. ch, ye f uriea in fenthfra, 

Paraei mere folly, nnd counts amoui; crimes 
Birds of ill oin«ii, who hoot iu all wratbGr*, 
Shriek it all tea*ons. nud croak at all timei, 
Nothing yout l-ancfut mH'l moeiii can bar; 
Tn-whit, tu-whoo ! 

Tu-whit, to-W« ! 

Birds, whvn the Ilouise and Bcllona foregather, 

Their nectiiJjt means MieuhLef. and ye are it* Voio«. 
If oummoD scnae could but siienoe your blather, 
Ptnnn would much prolH. and PtnipUs rejoioe. 
Out on ye, Owli I To Smsatiou and Mnmmou 

MflrRUesi month-picofs sure are yc nil. 
Shriek ye of Glory f 'Tis all greetl and gammon 
Whv should a scare-ahaken world bo your thrall f 
All it* beat prnspc(its your hootiuga oait mar, 
Tu-whit, to-whoo 1 

Tu-whit. to-War I 



"WoBDS. WoBDs. WoRtis I "— Lord OuitTROBPi (aBscrrrtof 
Yorkihirr. cot of Wiltahir»), annotuiow that h« i« prtparM to 
support honiipopathy. This beiuK the owe, it aeema a pity that hla 
Jxirdnhip docs not apply the pHucipIua to nia own oDrreapoadeDee. 
H« givos Q* plenty oi lettert before proof. Wo sbuuld prefer proof 
before letters. 

Knnuait in Im>u^— CownuaturontrwattPKyrMain a Preai- 
dency. the Ti'nt* obMrm thkt:— "A toKwUiiiff Ooypfoor ii 
npeotiL'd to ftitc th« tppetla of eooTiate who BTotost t^at the eaao 
Bf aiust tbtin WW « 'ooDoooolatioa,' " Hn. Eait miitht book that 
word anoug bn BMmcniul^ 



jAXDAny 7, 1866.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



THE LETTER-BAO OF TOBY, M,P. 
Pbox FftUCE Gkjuidolfh or BrLQ&aii. 

3/i>ieow, Saltirday. 




txa. Tour, 

1 Luax tbioiiBb UiB 
nimtl •oaroM of iuoniM- 
tioa, that the bcArt of Lon- 
Aaa, boating in nnUon with 
thOM of tbo Capitol* of the 

Cintinml, i* Urobbios 
«i1h miioDii ri»io>itTas to 
llii.<r*ttl CDeknioKof myTint 
t>ALUUii»Rs. Vonhnvna 
\h'.*tntmiD.i,Ui.Gtrii»rn» 
liaii lilt btrlhilay m niual, 
■nd B-u-B luvinc vnl 
O'Bb-x in priMB, wnin 
out the Plan of (Xmfnltrn 
bf a wbulcBile redoetioa of 
jndioialrcDlB. Th»MthiiiK8, 
ol oonno, exi^ite rippln oi 
interett : bat I can quite 
iuul««>t>iid that nhit the 
pooplg am rrallf ttiioVlQg 
of U mr Titit ta Samt, vhtt it mtaii* tuid what it may porti'iul. 

WbJMt Uti* in Mm* mum mtillM id«, I onnfffH it u'ao tloklta tnn, 
tad BOW and aitaiii I brraE f"rth into th" m'-lxiioni \nagh wilh 
'hieh my fri-.'nd* u« familitr. A« y<>u will ^'■•"■'"tlr li'iim, tho 
Jonroey bu bad ita aerious ooDitqiicDOp*, tnught with ioterMt for 
tboMTiliaeiil world. B&t in theprivtuiytif ooTitiilentiiiloorrMpondtnoe 
I may admit for your ear only, that it vmi ttio nurrcst aroidoit that 
btoubt no h«r«^ I hid mviQt to gv to ilipun, to ajwDd the wiut«r 
monu* before tbe S'jiriaii-time of tha nnr .SviftLrin. I had arraaind 
witka«oa|MBiDa, udhwidrfiDitrlr fiictd our di^ttimliuu. 01.-Y-B 
H'VT-CQ waa tha nua, and tkivillu the pUrc, whcro we pnmtKd 
miTMtm toHttheoraonof oootdDtmtut iimidUiu|{rovcBo(id!entiij. 
KTtrjlhtair w«i uitlcdKr tbe juarncT, when it ooourrcd to me that 
it would b« good fun to do exactly too rcTcno of whit I had pro- 
poMd tomjatlf and anaannood to otben ai a tiled intcntioD. Look- 
ing over the Uap of Kiiropo whoro waa tho plann most abiolulcdjr 
opjpoaod to Spain in all it< aoociationa and rrktioQ* ? Ruuia of 
Ml If ptoplo rxpraUd nn t-i taro Dp at Snvilln. St, Pi'iarihurg 
tho tpot for tiMi. Th«y b«<r« not tmn talkinir anch about mo 
Utaly, not nearly a* nRch m waa tho T»tiie thi* tiu« liat yror. It 
w«a timo^t did aomcthinr. Tbti indden ohanKo of aettl'd plan 
WDold pttulo tb«m. If I calltd on B-»M-i<cif en routi, and pro- 
eMdiNt to pay • morniBK ii>il ti the OttB. htta w«r« alt tbo eleiBtmta 
of that ezcitMnrat which now agitate* Eun^iipiu |>o1itic^ B-sK-KCK 
It m» tnM woa'da't plav. Ha dcoliuwl t>w« me, puttjnit mecfi 
witbH-H-BT. (^'ranirethit twocmiiieut itaIvMii«n nhnutdcaoh be 
iMndiaapptd witb lbs bright porwatiuti ut a HKaBKHT.) But I atw 
tbe OUJE, and iboii^h it wa* only in travellini- Ih'Iwofq 8t. Pctcn- 
hiug aaa Q-iImMui thit s oortAio hippy thought oovnirt^l t<> m«, 
wo Mttkd it«ll at tbo interviow. "Sire." I aoid, "yon nro lo 
dtSonttba abo«t UutcaTia. Yon wmot a Prince. Yon han tried 
two; both failnr**. Try mc" "I trill,'' miit Ihu CziH. "Yog 
n* tbo vary man for tbo tnat." 8o I 'm to b« Princo of Balgnria, 
TOBT, I 'm to b« Prinoe oi Bulgftr* ! 

It DM all bMD T0T7 mddoD, uid I ou y«t hardly T«a,1tM the 
kbMlsU duan in mr pMltion «id proapMta. Bat, to tM tho 
bvth, I hk«* M«a • little diMppoliited, ajid am kw«uT«( laaiilAT 
pciitlM, There is no lue diigiiiuBic the tut thst wlwt foUowcd 



upon my reaienation of tbn Chnniwilorihip of tbo Kxchrquw wa« a 
aad blow to mR. I thi;>Qitht it would brpak up tha OoTerauent : but 
it did not «T*n lead to H-»rt H-Trn-vif rtitircmcnt. ThinM 
Went on T«ry maoh m heforp, if Dot more *>>, and 1 waa Uftont in 
tho ct'ld. An added >tinK ot bittemeet wa* liT^o by watohing tho 
EfiwinB prorperity of my old benohmen. B-lt-b. wbon 1 iiird to 
bully, ho.!) becomBqutttfaperaonue, and ev*ru dr^ama of p»rman< 
ODtly barriDi* hid out of tbo LtMmbip ol thn R-m^ of C'lrnmont. 
W-urr— who nwd to (etch and carry my rIam ol mtdi«1i»*d wat»r 
when lapnkc in debate, ascd toait oa the extreme end of the bench, and 
r«nreott>ilW ^atborupihofoliati of mynottaaa Iran through them— 
ia BOW tiia KaoL'llDDcF-, Uiniater to tbe Court of the Sbab, and oom- 
fortibly pTijvidfd for for lifr- He wot mr, tbn other day. a copy of 
the ktctoh (if himantt ho dil for )ou, with bi> Hiviog rubia. hi* 
tiirbanud h'ad, b!« j^welltd linsara, hi* imnoaaibU acimiUr. and hia 
hookah. W-LFTT MitA a bookah ! Keminda m* of SiJai Wegg, and 
Bi^n* delight at flDdiag in him "aliterery laasintA a wooden Ior," 
Theee thinge are bitteraeae to a tool not prone to placidity. And 
then there'! Ounr-mt nrelliDir ia anouur birthday, making a 
frMh trlRmplul pTOffteea thnngb tae eoontry, and dtliyering a new 
teriea of nihray-atatlMi *p«ebM, only too apareety nnnotuatcd 
witb aaoirbella. TreTclUoir from Bertia the other day, 1 waa look- 
iDK thrcufch La y^.urtlU Sfloiit. enil wne npon a propbetio do- 
anriptioa of the foijr Old Man. wiUi hia wnf '" i* nitr « qui ut, et 
iftlpli-j^ier et qui n'ea fa*.'' Iiu't that A perfect dftanptjon of 

hia hibiruil nuusirr, a* mantfeattd, for example, in hi^ Doppinic 
l«tt*r '{ 1 am aweary of htm at>d everybody, and, now I oome to 
think of it, eren of you, dtar Toer. Tm rxan'* prompt adoption of 
my anggoetion rootovea m« from auooiatkiu* whiob f regard with 
KTowiag dialike, and opeoa Up quite B DOW proipoet of usef ulueaa. 
BanixnKM Tint ('lu.tr, a pret^ popptt, made thing* gencmtly 
hot from Sophi*. I'aaniitaAn, laoceeding u Um poat, bai got tbe 
fatinlheflrtt. Hodeaty proTeaUme frMn«TMi Mnting at what I 
may dointofewtired a poiition. But yon may take it from me 
that I abali, RHkcrally, make Europe ait ap. So do more at preetnt. 
But, i( you 're wakinr, call ne Mrly, oall me early. Toar dtar ; For 
I'm to be Prinoe o( Bulcarla. I'm to be Priaoeof Balder*! 

Toora lalthfnlly, K-XB-LPS S. CB-scn-U. 



A SPIBTTED POLICY. 
Ut 'Dy.KA Mr. Pcuch, 

I FiNP from a letter in the Timt* that it hti been lagieated 
tutarent a uuivtr^id lunRiaage. to be called "ToUpiik." and that tbe 
writer of thu Mler objeatatotheprapoial,on the eoarethat anall-bitt- 
uiitienal tauifuikKV already exiita. The agirrieTed Kentleman. pltgia' 
ruing from one tA four own immortal '' Happy ThoUKbta," eaya in 
(Sedt, " Whjr not have a utiivrnal imgufiiCH— ryr ebiii<.-e, Eatlinh F " 
I echo, " Why not f " but with the lure uf tut pky, \\w hirthruh t^o( a 
Btitoa. I cannot help loukiuic ut thu other aide. " Why Uot Vula- 
piik?" let ui ask. if only for thu anke (if arxamoiit. Aoourdiug to 
tho TVdwi. a toBjtrily of its roidera Iwlitvo that VolapJlk ia "the 
laoguago of tbe ipirita." and thin orrtainly teemi ■ very uloiuible 
oxplanatiou. TaKiug thia inter protatian of the term, would it not 
be ta<T to conatruut a laaeonso that would bo eaaily uodi-ritiiod, and 
would barn thu advantage of btiiog ihortartbaa ordinary i^oKliibi' 
ToIapUk, or thu languijcii of thn finrit'. 1 take it, would baTs a prono- 
n*«8 to OOOtrnnt wliulo ■nntrno''* into rne word, and oiiniidcrably 
abbf«Ti«te Doiini of luorv than thmn »yl!ah]('i. I can M*ilr imaHiao 
what this "lenguor* ^ tbe apirite" (whi(;h In aotetain. cr rather, 
unoertain sente is » nlUTerMl Unsoaitr) would be. Perhapa, twttar 
til explain my meaninit. I may be permitted to sire a few «zamploi. 
The aew tongao, it i* prnpoeed, anall be need for " Commercial and 
Dipl'Hnatto puriHKee." and I imajtine in tbe lubjoined a coDeer*ation 
hctawrn a r)i|i1iitii4titt and a Ueruhant uponaeubJootDonneoted with 
Commerce ami Dipluma^. 

MarehaiU. Oladeeeyerolefler. Thiu(n>be««1ybailCit)'ulef'li<r! 
Diplomatist. Treatybrliaboaholel'lcr. BH-Blrbushilel'lerl 
M^ehant. Toltrorwhit. BriahMusly, KoiodooorolcTlorl 
liiaU'Bxiitiit. Allriiihlolet'lcr ! U. ■ellgoiogbcd — in m'hoote, 
olerUrl ir<rvrA(n«t. So'm II Uleritrl 

I do not *ay that the above " tansnigo of tbe apirita " ia better 
thaa oT^ary Eogliah, I merely aay it i* ahortcr. Ordinary Enitliah 
too, to ■ (Teat namber of p*opU, wnuU moan a apticial training. 
wfaereee "the Univace of the apiriu," a* I imagiau it, oniild be 
a^currd by eTMjone after a rather pUaiant and natural preptiration. 
The wurat that oould be aaid of tbe litter toning w>iuld it*, that it 
wai " b» *eay to begin," or "r*th«r a rum laBguage." But wliet 
o( that. mu<r»menU ia the eaute ol freedom u« nut to be killed by 
ridionle, aud 1 fanoy that tho noTelMItti DeooMltated bjr the 
aeeamptioo of the " epirit talk " would be frte aa^wtU as eaey. 
I remun, with mneh reepeet. yourt aiaotrely. 

A TtLxu Dmnro to a Xu. 

Z%«/H«>«r(, Ttddp-m-iha-Brttin, Jram^nM^ieelirMere. 



10 



PUKCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JiNUABT 7, 18t8. 





A HAND AT WHIST." 

JTosUa (fit CMMtmeu gach^ritt)- ' Qkstlshv, hire '■ Mr. HATCBorr bats k« 'll m&ex a Fddbtb, ir Tou wurr a Robbul 
Thk Yuumu Mek asm all Dahcixq." 

Mr, H. {SkSoVi Farmtr'. "OoH, I sBAU. BR itooBr atr?r. Tra 'a A Gaub I ai-'ath wanted TO L'akxI I" 

[ Tht Hott, and Old DmctoM. aitd Captain FoynU look mOut blatJc I 



THE HOLIDAY-MAKEE'S VADE MECUM. 

Qutttiim. Htve ;oa kept Christmas in the cnstoniBrr fashion)' 
Aruwer. C«rUuilr,.witD the r«9ttlt of toithio^ the sight of roast 
turkey, and hatinir the alightot reiereaoe 
to plura-puddinK and minne pies. 
i_ Q. Where did j-ou spend Cliriatmaa Eve ? 
A, In the Gaiety Thentre, a«iitioB at the 
first Di^ht nf n MelDdramitio Butleique, in 
three Acta, called FrankmtUin. 

Q. Did yoa have a pleasant evening ? 

A. Not ]>arti<^ii!arly. The denizens of the 

pit wera in a bad temptr frnm the first. 

bMBOte th« sjitoe naually at their diaposnl 

had Wn curtailed to increue the acoommo' 

(;.' ^r^*E^'~' ■ I ' datiou nf the sulls. 

y rft^SY^^C'^ *^' ^^" ^'''' '■''* reason why Frankmittin 

*- -^'^" ~ ^"-i on Ihd first uiicht was something wa- 

'_ oommonlylike a^iiifu f 

,J* A. Si>, because tho piece itself was dull. 

Music, sonjTE, andsoenery, were all that cnuld 

, be deiind. and the ounpany could scarcely 

T so-rnimanrs. have been better forthokind of Work repaired, 

Q. I uTippow the everj{re»n Miss Nki.lt Fakiieh was ipnahtly, 

Him Makioh Hood molodinas and ooqnettisb, and Mr. Fust) 

IiBtLii; 'i>iamt and aTonsing y 

<f . I tee jroa hare thd stereotyped praiie by heart. Vei, it will 
do on tills oeeuion. u It hat done before. However, Miei Farbbk 
o«rta.ialy dtd not look her best in the character of a sta^e-ooaohman. 
Mid I fauciud that Mr. LiMLiE was inclined to " ^sc." For inst&noe, 
in the lost Aot he appeared in the diegniie of a bear ; and. when he 
WM followed by four others in similar ciistnmes who caused derision, 
obtervcd, " Hero oomo somo more low comediaaa," If the authors 
wrote thoBo words thov wnitc unwitely. 

Q. ll it true thit Mr. K. J. lx;N:tt:K aiogs an Irith songf 

A. Strange a> it may seora to you, that is indeed the case. Van 




% 



Mem' 



can imagine how mirth .provoking it is when I tell you that one o( 
the vi^raea describes how a dLepeosary dootor mended a brukeit head 
with a seoQitd-oliue rail way- carriage. 

Q. I suppose thie meriy onnoeit had to go a long way f 

A. Most of the way. Mr. Lonken as a vampiie depressed me. 

Q.. But did not he oall somebody " good old JLiry Ann f " 

A. He called her this several times. It w«s funny— at fint 

Q, Is not the la«t soeae with tCe prooeasion of f laneta well worth 

A. Assuredly, by those who have never b^en present at a latin or 
armour parade arranired by Mr. Aooohtds Hibris. The Qaietv pro- 
cession was a faint letleotion of the Boreeous original at Drury Lane. 

(i. Have yon been to see the World's Fair ut the Agrienltural 
Hall? 

.'f. That have I. It was not bad. A wild-beast tamer was 
wonderfully good, and seemed as much at home amongst ticma, tigers, 
Bsd beare, m you and 1 should be enjoying a cigar ia a Club smaking- 
room. Then ther^ were some uew-iaahioned rosndabonts, mni a 
wonderful pantomime in Uicsaaubon's show, and a fat lady. IwAi 
very much struck by the improvement in the mnsical instrnmeatB 
attached to the ehaw. Orchettrious have ciuated hnnd-organs. 

Q. Have yuu not also been to Dolston to see a Cicous f 

A. Yea. it was a beaulifnl Ctrons, but I do not wont to we it 
again. 

Q. And Olympia, have you not also seen that f 

A. "Gi)od oU Olympia r"— yes, I have. The programme might 
contain something new, without spi'iling the entertainment. 

Q. Would yoQ like to go t'l the Victoria Palace of Varieties, the 
Zoological Gardens, or aa imitation of the Wild Weit at the Albert 
Palace? 

A. No. I wonld TBthor not—far rather not. 

(J. And why not ? 

A. Because this is Christmu-time, and ihoald bo a Mason of 
pleasure fur every one. 1 cannot help feeliuK that a visit toeitbwof 
the places you have mentioned would be indeed a sad eonuoenocmioit 
to the glad New Year. 



11 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[J*so*ET 7, 1888. 



m 



b^\\ih''-f}lii!'w^!. I 




INVITING! 

{4 Smini4iMe4 of (Ks laU Frotl. ) 



PRESESTATIOS AT ST. PETERSBURG. 
(From Our Own CorrerpiiiJ^iil.) 

Thk Brmfiki Mir contiins ths f il'owins rtport o( the 
reorptionuj " Mr. Si'Ksceu" l>ythoCitii»t «iij»iqMr»do 
and f»noy hail Iiitely giv<jn hv his liupniitl MijnlT: — 

" Mr. tiPKiccmi" itpiiFareii before the Sonruiao lubiUd 
in a ciialiiDie onoaiilorvd hy tuirou tpfctitor* hrilljant, but 
•eeoiingin some CTM tnfiirii^r ini tT•<U^<^aa. ltw«« 
uniform of th^kiridio Euirli»hciiiniu(i'ilr o*li*d 'inotl«jf,' 
furraioK ft piotiir-fcqui.' comhiuiilion •■( ooliiura, ma-inlf • 
■ympliony iii white and red. la h\* hinils h« bore • 
nlrtr. whi^reuiioa laf a itriuK of renl Curabridce 
RSusar<'B. trhiob be riapigotf itllf p'u«t-Dttiil. nitli th« oou* 
pUDifnU of Che loasjn, tn the uu^uit rrpri-iieDtatlTe of 
tfa(^ Qn'at Bunr. His Mijritr wjb iiriatou-'ly |>lcu«d to 
rt^^ivo the oppropnitle utt^tiag wiih his vutt^niry 
notid^oeiiBioD. ncounipariiiav hU txprtaiion of thanki 
with a ■iynldout wink of the Kff, oaij atkin^, io 
addition. ' But where'* the Tarkerf*" 

The toregoing atat^tn^Qt maf ho a«otpt«d ut p«rf(cUf 
reliable. 



Growl by a Qourmet. 

CfTTLtSATioif it pUrod nut ! 

Til Dot ahetp clarut inah«i m* core ci it, 
Nor ia it OLiDsroKK. nnr Ihn goat^ 

Nur failure to jff.ot the cure.of it 
It in Dot ^ooliliatio rot 

About the rinh all h^inic tlnlMra; 
Vhat prorti the wntld ii eoiog topot 

la tnis da>h«l tilk of— Pctkoy Duiaetal 

Drawing it Kild. 

*'A t'lpjrnim frvm Manii*ah (tftpi t)iat frnu luttllirniM 
mraivpJ llieCB >t appvait that Ihu Ni'j(ui it *<lian«in| bf rapid 

•U|M." 

TnjT i« nil v^TT well, as far aa it ifoe*. Bat Ito't 
Kpftns a little mild f or thiB time of th« jtarf Inatowlot 
advDDcinR the Nefiii, They would d» inii«h better to hnrrjr 
vp the PuiiDh. Aut jVrpiu auS nuUiti ia a poor louk-out 
in mid- winter. 



OMISO UP TO THE SCRITCH. 
"Af, ay, kHratch, a laratch; mirrjr, 'tii vniugh." — Itimn anil JuUtI, 

Or old, when Fr«neh eneniei fall out. they foaght, 

Until (ino «are the othpr '" his »ruel." 
To-day if rPTsnae (»nd Tedumf) ahimld be lought, 

Th^y (to throuth tho fi»ra« of a duel. 
A aoratuh, not tilce Tyhsilt't. i* all that otti aniuB 

Fr»io thviu nnnicartvidhiii-priok mitahei. 
'Twould Mem th« H Oanl. litoa girl-or a "Tom"— 

Hm a true frlLae fi>iidno9! for suratohes I 




PEEPS AT THE PICTURES. 

Rayal ^oaAiHiy.— Seunod day of Exhibition of Workf by the Old 
Maatura. &<niid<d PrivaTa VifW, my o)iiw)t btioe Paiutioits sot 
Pi<»plo. Fif >t-rato wjllijjtioa— 1 Dj O'lllika th« wnrd o j|teotii)a " asa 
role, beOiiusH it mminla me ul " ifoiui; roiiud with th« pUte," hut in 
tbia inatauoa it mi-au* KuiriK roiiad w<t.h ik-i piuturei) — npi-mallr 
nutiihlit for thv Ditoh Ilo.im. wbiuh. a* h>ith u;i aa intmorttl Datah- 
men nan gn, i« quitn n lilclr Dutuh Oven h"l<i<r. 

No 7, A "Turner.'' Thuro ari> ■imu finn »p-niraeoi of TuR.XBit 
here, and thia i* onu of thn h^it. Ila wxi pnriHtuiUy painting aun- 
•ets, anil y»t he waa a anbjont of thu Britiin Empirn. an irhicb, as we 
know, ■' toe aiin avver aei»," Gmsfiq neatly ho never saw a «uq- 
ant. What a wealth of imatination I 

No. 12 Piiftrait of k " Bnilir," with a query " (fl " aft*r h!a 
ntme. Evidently the AoadeiD'oi^n* diijo't kaow whiah builvr it 
WM, wholhtr roiii.« Bullor or Thokkb Duller. It i« by Sir PisrES 

LKI.T. 

No, 31. A CitrrU-ie and Pair. (I'lwr pair in the Curriolr, 
appcialU the lady in hiih fta'.hnr. Sicrniia, A U \ , did it. 

No, 4-i- It i» oaltvd •■ Tha Coaxtett if Curk" Nin«n«n; 
CountAit of Burnt C>rk pcrhipi. but nni>iubt«dly a porlrait of 
Hn. SriRi.iMi, thn inimttahU antreH. IKdl Auyhnv, a tterlinff 
wurlt of Art, by Mr. P'infh'A oW Ifiand, " Mr, Bbioch." {R.A ) 

No. a. ■■.?M-Pi'r» nr Sta.Tntnq'Ut." By &>M8r*BtB, E A. Thfl 
1* not an ordioarir Cinatabi^, but n :^p«uial C>Q«tabla. SirCainLBa 
Wakbzs wilt bedeli|tbt«d with thus fir*t'rat« apMlmeni of Cju* 



■tablM. So wQl the Sooialiat riot«r«, booauio all the CotutaUe* hero 
are tntpeDded. 

Nj. 53. What the Aeademioiiin* oall "A Misie Party," by 
PcTKB DE Hooi)!!)!. Ahfltnl ■' My fm. Pcriii, my tnTit" 

No, 5,j, "A Mernj Making.'' Oneiiitti between lixtMO flf 'en. 
Jav tiTKKN. 

N't. 58. " A Man Smokiaff." One he»d and Tfit-tirt, 

No. 80, " A Flowar-piKe," hj PtrEB Fixg, in hia bait phlM. 

No, Go. Portrait of " Cathrrine AJ-imt." br Joii«SKn Vkh-. 
»PRO»CK. highly (ini ehed. Although she evidently had said to tbs' 
aitiat, " Yon tnu«t take me in the roif.— jint as I am." 

No. 73. " A Dateh Ladi;," hy FaBniciWo Bot.. This plotnre ii 
so Henihrandtitb as to siijgptt a« a title a " Bat Mntauf." 

No. 7i. "A Mill," a quiet, eeolu^ed apit, just tlia plaos for a| 
Mill : no pnline near. Rmmn.jsnt haew wh»t lie was about. 

No. 75. Mr, BisTON Mc9dcbis a' the " Linghimi Caralier" by' 
FttiKK Hnr.i. ; no, l»-ir DuUihmau's piHun. Faane IUls. 

No. 107. ■• nt P-ght InUrrupfed," by txsi StUWf ; probably 
in't-nderl as a sequr'l to " The Milt." 

No. 100. Hflre IB au "(>M wi>min " who lirn in • frame, 

Stie'«piiotcdhvKi{iiii«t)fDr.whatinaltm hcvraamef 

So. 131. " E'i'iipa." More American than Kar<>petui, and 
BUirneitivB of " Jiiitl'i Jlun." 

No more at present. Only able to l.iok in at The Grinvenor, w)i«r« 
tbuy have some gr^nt HonaFtby Diamonilt. Hom«,aDd no to dinner. 
Tour old friend and Di«ri«t Sau Pken. 



THE BUSYBODY. 
IDr. Wata adapCrJ lo Iht !}»]/.) 

How dath the tiltU Bnsybtdy, 

[mpTovs Mob sliiuini' hour, 
And gather Xii^i diy by day, 

Andpiaefor"porki"andpow'rl 

II'>wgkilfQllyh^>hiipethii"»*ll»," 

TTis meetiuifs hur hu ptuki ; 
With Belf-imporlanoo huw he 

■Welli, 

What foijliak fad* hn baoka I 



Tbo Publii?. how he bnrcaor gvlla, 

Xlita buttinif bu-y B., 
Stirt* mauilliii " Lraguta," that 
end in niDtU. 

And puro dddle-de-dee ! 

In works of fally and of tluls«L 
Hia p>a)n>>u< day* are p«mm. 

To Hod iu Liiaho'i fog and tladfs, 
Oblivbn at lut. 



0^ XOTtCS.~SeJ<felcil COamaaicatloM or Centribnlioni, whether 
a ao^ta tto rttata»d, not ana w6»n aeoonpuicd \v % 
tif wUJ iaae uieaptloa. 



Ut., fttntad Matter. Drawins*. ar Fictnrei of any detcHptiaa, wUt 
ftlMnpeA anA U^etul Eavelage, Cov«r, or Vrapper, To tblt n 



Jaslabv U, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




13 



THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, 



M.P. 



Bthoir, 8*iufJay. 






UK TOBT, 

I m br Uie pu>era that I bm 
airain (nt Iha poiot of reliriDC from 
imbtio life in ordpr to iiisl:e way 

fur iif>inruDe. I forxit w)iu it ii 
thii timi', vhich ii B miifurlun«, 
\% that ia the uqIjt luuuli of norett; 
is the litantioit. Han and boj, for 
thci tut tifieen ytan, I luTa, ao- 
ciirdinr tu the newipnpen. been co 
th* iii>int of retirinif. Vet here I 
am, Mpmbflr fjr Mnlton, ('innonllor 
nf Ibn Danhy at t.anoutiir, nnd 
Tioe'Prwid«nt of Iha Comrnttt«e of 
the Council on Africnlturo. A« 
Ahob-bne aayt, I «ni "alwayt 
Meltun but never disappeftr." That 
I UDdeTstand ia a joEe, and soee 
better with the autiUniee uf Ahh- 
B-Hin's mellitluouH viioal delivFry . 
But why vhonld I retire mi>ti> 
than any oth«T oj lh« younft*r Membpra of the Mtniatry ? I own I am no lonijer 
a* jonsft aj I va*. bu! fcir uf tia are. Nuturs Las Iiem perhaps uiikiudlj' lavish 
in Kiiiowtns xae with a TcncraUe apptanuiiM'. But I am atill ai yuunx m htart 
and mind aa 1 wu when I nstd t« walk arm in um with I.)iiut to call on Lady 
Bli-Mi-iiOT-X. Uuw will 1 nraembcT hta HnKtcti rudnlcnt with thy inoomparabln 
nL Mooaiaar! bU tnaKlltd cane and hia wiialcuat fcttiKiiicd with chaina of 
gold I I wai a mrro lad nompircd with blm, and »o woa Okouox Su-tiik. But 
we both adnrfd him. and [ riinKiTntirr <iuilA wpll oaa night Sx-tiik trying to 
curl my hiiir Uki hi*. Only tho dhrr doy I namn npon a Utter written by my 
father to Lord Sni-\nr-Kn, Sm-tiik'h Papn. it i« nnarly fourty-fonr ymj* old, 
bnt I reuH-mbtr aU about tho timo,' thongh of poiir"n I w.ii not awMv that my 
father and Lord Stb-Hof-bo were in correspond pn on on the RuhJMt. Tho 
Mancheat«r AUieDLvam was Juet ip>b|t to be opened, and Dizir Iwd Men ashed 
to deliver an innuicural addrvKa. Sil-THK and I wtire gmr\« down ID his triUQ, 
and our dear old tathera Hhook their head*. My futber wrote in hia atatelv way 
to Iiurd Htb-sof-bii: "I dtjilore a» muuh m you do the inliiienoe which Mr, 
D-SB-I-I haa acquired over many of i>iir younir Ii'itiDlHtor". partioularly (>v«r your 
aon and over mini«. 1 have no pergonal knowL.dKi-' vf Mr. D-i^b-li, and 1 have 
not an entire reapeut for his tikleute, of whiuh I thtnic he mieht make a btlter 
nae. It ia rerrettablu that Inrii yuuuit men like Johk and Hr. Su-tob ahuitld 
allow thenurlvea Ii> be led away by a man uf whose BtraiirhtfurwardDeu I bSTO 
tile tamo opinion na youraelf.^aa 1 can only judjfe of it by hia publie oomr. 
The exoollc-nt ditpoiitioiu of our auna render thent only ^ autoepUblo to the 
••daetiou of an aranl mind." 

Ah me I tbo day* that are co ntore f Doein't that laat Knlenco bit xa nil 
tbra* oSf Tbo too aujoHitiUo yonnftaten. the mature young man, ciilnd and 
OUtIm like an AHyriin bull, and the alert attfulneei under the inai[iiitircnt 
oaldUWa of hia pompom motintr. Bat, rtially. I am canvii^Iini; myeelf of that 
oM %S» whirh my «nrniiri acmac me of. I remember how Karrulona II-diiT-K 
Itot in hi* old daya, and o did Bu-iiu-ii aod tt-w-M., aittiug at the Scioaa Qate, 
atinya pipiof abont old limoa— 

Cbiefa vfao no men to blaoily Af>fat tncai^ 
Bui, wiM througb time end namllTa «lih ata, 
In asmmir dayi like jcraMhoppen rtjoioe. 

I nraat rt;;ht af-aimt tbu tendency, and nball be trnly oUiMd if yon will not 
htcitale to ^vH me a hint if yon tind me oiring in that oirealiDn, either in 
oonatpoailcnM oc conTcnation. 

VOL. XOT. ^^^H 



But 1 was aaylDK, why ahoutd I i«tti« nor* than 
Sr-K-L-r, nr Ca-NBa-E, ot C»-m, «r, indwd, O-sor 
B-u-LT-tr? He was bora ■ yew or two aftcc me, and ia 
my junior aa time isreekoiMd. Bnt you know him well, 
and will, I venture to my, testify that be ia aetotllr aa 
older man than I, nnd baa been ever aince he left mhoul. 
Hn ia one o( the men who were navir youn;, and I, if I 
may aay ao, am of the kind who will n«ver be old. On 
thfl thrciihold of thia New Year I faal u if I were only 
beginning my career, re*dy to om my pnaent poiition na 
ft tprinmif-iMftrd for m&ah higtMr fljgbfa. It in tnie I 
am on ttis verge of UiM*-*eoi» yean and ten. But what 
of thatr Wa*D't SiTEM ft hnndred Teara old when alill 
•n active colonist f Oi, not to go book ao far. waan't 
aL-i>n-)FB ftlmoat iixtv before he wae Prime Mini»t«T P 
Waan't Dizzt eixtv-tiiroe ? and waan't P-i.x-nrt-ir. 
wluB he kUaed hitnae on bt« appointment aa First lysrd 
ot th* TrMnuv, fully twpUe mouths older than I amF 
and didn't be live and rule fur ten year*? What hta 
been done may bu dune aRata , and I feel like dcdng it, I 
h>Ta tired through nanv uhangea, and ahall >«• WOMT 
more. Take the Uoubb of Lorda (or exanptei. When I 
penned that duithlua tine vhieli devoted to dmtruction 
our I>awi, (^omtnerco, nnd tone Crther thinga which 
didn't belong to me. B»ldnK only for tho aalvation oE <lor 
Old Nobility, the rceragcwuTcrydiffcfcnUyouiiatitntcd 
from what it ia now. 

Voii know how they wnnt the ytart of eonw Irwa by 
the aciTunialated ring* at th«ir bi*»: •> T oonld connt 
my ageby theniocMeiveadditiot>atotluPMra«e. Why 

t count C-L-K-DOn (inita ftl cH p««r to-day, and, 

when I wrote abont oar Old Xubiltty, he waa plain Hr, 
C-L-B-i>r,i. Cn-n and Cb-kbh-s, Ab-bd-ee, and even 
Sh-bbb-ss beirin, in my mind'a ays, to iptther round 
their oor<>n«ts the mi*tin««i of respeotabla ftft> I do not 
doubt that I •halllive toeea tbedajwbeD.IeoUni: round 
on newer battihe* of Pecrt, I aluill ninn fta am-^uti our 
Old Nobility Lord Ann-soT-ir, Lord B>a-]t«. and the 
melodiuualy named Lord M-an-a-M-Wrs. Till then, 
don't you believe any e(>aaip yen may hear abmt the 
reliremciit of Yours VontlifttUy, j.im U.irs-n*. 



HOW TO GET OUT OF IT, 

TsE fullowine hints may be found metal to any ahy 
and aoIi'-eoCJicioiiB pcrcoD vho, tisdic; himeeif at the 
present festive eeosou iosulvcd in a iovul family (rntbnr- 
tag that ia expressing lU hilarity oy an indiinriiniDatn 
rooourae to the modem "*nr^aa"ornek*T,tadiiterminrd 
to Kicnpr the temporary humiliatiod of arraying himaelf 
in the paper adornment it contain*: — Oo thnuffh vonr 
dinniT with a frown of molanobolr anlidpatioB. Wfaaa 
the nrnckera are at length produced, deoliaa to poll ona. 

If forced to, inntantlv hand over the OOntMlU to yonr 
fair n«iRhboar who holds the other end. If thrae happen 
to be either a oomio pitt's head or a roomy bi»hop'e mitre, 
and she aaka you Just to try them on. Kmile benignlv on 
her, and aar von oouldn't think of rubMnir a lady." 
It addreesea oy your hostees with, " Now, Mr. Suith, 

!'ou really mvit atar itimtlhing.'" ynltnA not to hear 
ler, and tell iiometK>dy oppoaite, pointedly, how muoh 
you prefer ' a good old-f:L<ihioDed Chrlatmas." 

If the ton uf the houne trieB to bonnet joo, with a 
Turkish coekei) hnt. playfully pineh hia lece and adroitly 
teannt; the ulTenditii* head-ifear in biuf, IftluUnriy 
(ibarrve that " you 'ru sure it wouldn't have GtltdyoQ. ' 

On the fun getting fast and furious, and evtrybodj bat 
youraijf aaauming aomo form of ornamentalion, <mdt«v»nr 
to damp it. by audibly remarking to your next-door 
neighbour Ihut yon " can't oonoeive how a (*t ot raiddlr- 
ngcd people can make auct iiiioto of tbensalvca." 

If, notwithitanding thia, yuur hoitdetermintatn force 
your hand, nnd »aya, " C^ime, Smith, wrf on tomrtkitig. 
Why, you 're the only one of n« who W't bonnrt«d 1 " 
get np then and there, and, giving him a bit of your 
mind, leave the boose with an indignant IUw«h. 



I 



Putting B]r for n Rainy Day. 
"Lord l.avi.ioN, son at Earl 0«jisvit.l.>, aeeidmtally 
ewalloved a hetf.erewn while daiMg antae amstmr neajatitit st 
Walaur on Ikaing Day. It is staM that op ta the preaist ho 
haa sulfKvd oe ioiaavenienea."— BMf A/irt. 

Whit Uw Half.«iowa aaid to the Young Man:— 
•'J-'rangat mm iUcle^." (The famitr Wtto eA. ^^o. 
QftA3IVII.LEa.) 



r^ 




'TiiK Arn.ic^Tiox ov It."— Kr KaiiiitT Ttti.I., in «n iniitnictive 



aodtiiitvrUininir lentara delivered Kt UieRAfftl lostitnlion, dennrib^d 
the Mimn »* preinntioK aiiptaraaow of eitinot or*tar«. "Bed«d, 
tb/a/. Burr," Ktya lioiMkt F*T. "I with tlM MciOIllighten w«re tli« 
aXt/acC emlan ' be^iokeot." 



QiriTii Clsib.— The PrMld«nt of the AMooUtion in th« 



United Stktf^B Btrlni th« " EoishU of Ltboor " in Mowwd. toother 
with twt> of hii oosiijuton, uf kivioK miB*pprupriAtM lUD.OOO 
dollnnot tha auoietr's monvrdurioK thejiutrew. If thi* btpTond, 
it is evidaot VaxX the delmquaaU tr« " Kai^bU err&st." 



JixOAnv U, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



16 



A CABINET OF CUKIOSITIES. 

"Now. my friends." wiid Iy)rd SAtiiucKr, Ukinr 
Dp hi* pen niter tlieutiiiil Ntw-Year preetiDfa tiu 
b«en eichiOKtd. " Whst nhtil vre do ? Hu uir- 
OM k notion for the oomiii? 8«Mioii f " 

"II ji>u want ui uceui," ofa««rr«d ttift Lord 
Craxckllob, ")*b should «pply «t the Admi- 
rmlljf." 

" My irflod Hjls»U»T," r*tnoiwtrat«d the Pm- 
ViKu, ''i>r»;f bo Ktiotii. RccoUeet we hare im- 

Ciaot bniirtnu to ttiin»»nt, nnd if yon wnnt to 
fnaa;, NsnT* jrcanirH for the tlouie of I»rda. 
IVtsidinc in th* Peon jou &ra iLlvaj* on Bmiising 
tpMtkcMi. And DOW, ooea moro, mv d«nr oal- 
!<ta«u»«, haw yon anytlii&Bto migK**t '" 

*' I cgDpOM then it Dolhinf trveli from IU;>- 
Bau>BF'' qnirisd Ur. STAfUQrs, who took sa 
iatiNat in tb« mov-tmeDU of the woold-lw n- 
fomwr of the War I>(t<iirtm«Dt. 

"So," wjiliBd Lord MiUBBlnir.' "I ftDcy he 
hai powB tirtd of th« idea of Huceet^air Priaoe 
Fmasum in Baltuia. It hu bL-tn mid that h« 
perpoee* calUniriipoD the Pops to f'ut His HoliosM 

Tight en tpTcroi malttts uf doGlnUE, but OoUiisK 
ceituo U kooH^ aboul hiii movcineiitii." 

"Tli» point i»— ha! hii! h*!" nuflawwl the 
Van Loae of tho Tuuftimr. UbcrBlly < xhititiuK 
thttm TOW of hi* front ticth. "trhcthcr ho will 
botWni. He!hc!h<.! Ho^hoibol" 

" Ae be i« taid to iutend to make « lengthy *tay 
abrotd, it unorethuipouthle that he nuy return 
to Town to-mottow," replied Uie F&xuiCR. " Sa!- 
flcumt for the day ie " 

'"Dm IfiTmw* thereof," put in Lord Halo- 
BI7KT with a BnUe. " Then lor the moinent we 
ncMl not bother oatxlvea about RuiootTn." 

Tlaeonnt Cbcm row from hia chair, and eei^«d 
the I/jsd Chakcbuoh's hand. 

" My dear Lord," h« obaerved, with emotion, 
" that ia the cioit tenaible— DBf, I think I mny 

Keo far bb to uld, the only scniiblt thitlj( fOU 
ve uid for noatbi I liletn yoa ! " 

" la it too early to contider the Bud^t ? " aakod 
tha Chahcxllob of the Fai:3£klieiu 

"No," rfpli«d the Phkuikr, "if any one has 
rtallf any good notion for incrcaatng the rerenue 
without «n undue »iinri(lM) of pnmilaritv." 

"Seemi In me tlint & lie-'iii^e uliould tie roquiied 
lor every Ruilway Bookatall," obnerved Ear! 
CADOOair. " This would jriro the Government a 
hold upon the oiroulatiun of treaaonitble or 
tibeUoDa pimuhlptd. A lioenco might be revoked 
in eaee of misbehnviour." 

" I hare ovury with to ai-ree with the Ix-rd Prii y 
Btal." rtmaikMl Mr. W. H. tlMiTH with nn- 
tuttunary Rtavitf, "but I mnat proteat, in the 
BUMOl UlB Ptcta. aeninst iiui.<han impiiat. Why, 
if anar Kail way ISiokalul! were taitd. the oivilisa- 
tkn of tha lait iiuartar of Die Xinet«iith Cvnlury 
Wdsld b* ahakcn to ita foundation ! Tax lioilway 
Bookatalla ! Btuf! and nonacnac ! " 

" Yon do not happnn to knoirtho name of the 
larg«rt Proprutur of Uailway Book-italla^" 
atked Mr. HATrnEwa, the llomn Ronretary. 

" lannotqaiteanret" 'aid tho Trnaannr'a Firat 
Lord. " It may be a Mr. rtiinwit. a Mr, Jonrn, or 
a Mr. Prnm, bat I have a faint idea that nomeone 
baa told me that the principal Kailiray lUxikatall- 
kanw ia a MftOB of thi-name of WiLi-LNn." 

'n(o doabt he i* williDK to be ho," put in the 
LosD Chahceuob. 

Thia sally oauaed auoh a loud ohoroa of 
"Be*ip>!" that L/)rd 8ai.is&UHr had to tnterfnti. 

" I a« tore wo all would rftrrel the lota of our 
OXMllnit friend." Crie. of •' No ! no ! " " WcU, 
w* ahonld if be (ravo up the habit of making 
pointli pima." A dr.ud aUcnov. " Thank you, I 
thooght ao. After thia cxprniion of opinion, my 
dear Biubckt. I do hope you will turn ovor a 
new leaf, and Vcrp any noDMinan yon want to 
paUiah ontil you am alilo to inoorporato it in 
Tonr anabiiBary abortive Lnniu^}' Kill, 

nm Waaaiilan»e,dnrini{ which the LoBnCnaN- 
«'■»-**■, with a oomicai aeaamption of woundod 
dignity, left the room. 




HAD HI VI THERE! 

ffiielt Jim. "Hani's BkhT A Mixca Pf« ton too, Tomkt. I jiaan ii»iii>iY 
auft.iD A Pbhbom Of TOVB Ci.aMicAi. ctTLTvai that ' thm Bait is umsatm juam 
inn tfaoLtf" 

TiHAtny. "Qoira ao, UxuLS. Bor, u I 'M sot tket Ilmoar, I '\.t. oxlt tuu 
X Whole Omat" 



"Now, that he'* rone, we oia jret to real huiinui." obierved Lord BitimciT. 
" Well, my Lord* and Gentlemen, what ahall wb do abunt Ireland f " 

" Ah, to be anre," ochoed all preaent, " What ahall wo do about Ireland -' " 

" Huat do aomothiuK," oontinned the Paeuieu. 

"CBrlaioly," wan the rainanae, ipokon in uniaon. " Mtut do aomethia^. Why 
it'a thaaubjuot of thehourl ' 

"Perhipi you would like to nee a map of Ireland, so that we could («4 at a 
ulanoe the phyaioal featnree of the oountry. I oan eaaily get it." Thia proposal wat 
retvired with enthoilaam, and Lord BALisncBT left the room for a moment. And 
cow a atraQKB thing happened. 

When the Prruieb returned to the Counoil Chamber, ho found it entirely empty. 
KTcnr member of the Cabinet had diiapueared I 

" I call that ahabby I " aaid Lord 8ii.uiiCttY. " Well, 1 auMmtn Ireland moat 
wait ; but we ihnll have \a attend tu the aubjeot— aomn dav." And with a frown ha 
returned to his own apartmeata, and only regained hii habitual good t«niper after 
inJuii{iatc in a long inspection of eome thouaandg of carofulIy-prMerred oaricaturo* of 

Mr. GLiDStONK. 

Tbb Chairman of the Conferenoe of the National Soaiely of Profaniosal Hutlolana 
has been tamantiuif the tuooeaa of the 6Ubert-aud-8uUivan Operai. Apparently tha 
Kentlemin in quealiun, whoee name happana to be Dr. Hlip. object* to the pile the 

fifted Collab'iratvura have been makinf on the lOure that, in the proccaa. they have 
nmoraliaed the taite of the muaioal public. But, thuujcb the DLtctor heapa ap hla 
eharsoa, he does not auKeit any way ol aolrinit the diffijulty : indeed, could ho do ao, 
and ehow how the Biitiah publiu ouuld bo made to take a pntnonont iatereat in aeriona 
iipera. ho would aoon wiu the tbanka of Ur. Cahl lion, and that coorgotio imprnario 
would aaaurcdly greet him with a gleeful ahont of " Heap I Hcapl Heap! Hoorafl" 

"Tbbpoba MrTASToa."— " Why ohanf e the haadf" aaked tbo TiWa. io 
startling i«i<ne on the Centenary Featival Dat, Ifoodar, January 3. auoting from the 
TV'RKs (of Times paitj, or Ditilu Vnivtrtal lUjitttr. January 1, ITSS. Unite ao: 
" Why change the head" no* f Only if a title be reqolred, why not ' SuekW » UUti>ry 

of C'iviUzatiiin ' f " 

A PKBVBTT Cons.— An impolriva gentleman, who wa« aoouttoawd on freqaent 
ODMUon* to ottnr "a big, big D," determinod to break himMlf od the haUt. Ha 

rediuad tlM big I> to a little one, and for "1 don't oate one 'D ,' lu aabetltntod 

" I doo't OMO one penny."-.".*., •' U." 

NotE OS X Rbckst Elrciioh.— Winaheiter voted Conwrrativa Msim>, »j»I^ "«*' 
dolot (0 acaio, the oonatitaonte only foUowwl t^ " Um UajorunO* 



16 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Janoabt 14, 1688. 



THE HOME AND "THE HOUSE;" 

Or. Darby and Joan Tu-ilay. 




" ka idmiDiilntioD of Um U« by *bwli tbe oM unil tha hulpleai arc cemoTtd frDU 
Ihtlr obildnn tn.d Iheii tdadred into tbi workhiuK, u > oonditian of tvUtt . . . ths 
l«(iuil «f out-dMr rdliti^ aiNpl on I'm ume GutiJlUQii, whti.'br t fsniUF ii tflJ up, their 
horn* braktn up, in Ul probttiUilgr nvrcr to bn ir'Mnitiliil'-d. Rnd thi> wholv rimil)'. ulJ 
■n<I TOUOE. ohirf ed for cTet ■afon tbo nXf: Thii c«tiditlaD ii knovn at thii tioio to bs 
■btololel]' reruaed bf ui ianavat miltiliiilii of aur luJKrcins tai dxwrTlnc poor ; thrj 
will voilun uif printLoD of huoEvr sod oild nthgr ttuia bntJt up Ibnr lismo." — From 
"A XoU on Om-datr Stlf/," by Gtrdinai ilanaiag. FarlnifKlty StvUie for 
January, IKSS. 

Dariy to Mr, Bumble, loquitur ■ — 

"CoKKiutotheHoiae!" ajtmrf-ty; "it'a the L»w. it'» the B*pil« Bu'e." 
And.l shrink, w I •lw>}'« hkn ihriuilc, uid you coll nu a atobburn old foot ; 

Asd old I am >ur«l]r 
naouph, and per - 
hnpi 1 »mfooli«h, 
whu know* t" 
Jtiit wo'to bom* it 
a weary 1»dic 
it)iUc\ and we'll 
beuit, Ihopo.to 
the ctuie. 

]>AniiT and Jo*x 
thiiy oall na, my 
f»olUh old 
woman and mo, 

B«oau«o of our 
oliQKiag to- 
Kelhar ; we're 
aiity years wed 
do yen) tix. 

And itu-Un^ thia 
iido of the 
ohorohyard ia 
what w« can 
neither abide ; 
And all of then lay it i* (oily, nod tomo i.! tlittm swear it is prido. 

Pride! Well, wei/i'i/liDow Uodo« ia our own little longr-Bjp.way, 
Sixty yeart aiooe, Mr. Bcublb, whbQ 1 wai in work, wlUi Bood pay, 
And yonder old btdttt^&d wu Dew. and the cldrat of Mvea joet born. 
And loiv hud the lixlit lu her tjtt, and a choek like the bieakiiieof aoro. 

Bat prido ialhBi«rubW»hinK rag", in oar lonely hulf-wghtlew old selvee. 
The hearth thst is empty of fuel, the bireneta of eupboards and ahelvei f 
Nay, nay, but it 's foilish b> think nn ; the prids that the pwsoiw bo blame. 
Wan long ago baniihed by hunger, burnt out of our bosoms by ebamc. 

But obstinate ^— yes, I euppoao so, for love is thn stalilwrnost thinir, 
The weaker they srow, our old arm), wh^ the oloier and tighter they oling, 
Our children aru dead ur arc llnl, 1 am cightr years odd and lURh blind, 
And— vuu bid us "Come into the House!' and no doubt you consider it's 

"Sweet Homo I" we hare nuf in our time,— «b, lokv, you remember, my 

dearf— 
Bat that masio, no doubt yoa will lell us. would sound like mere mnokery A*rr. 
Home '. when there isn't a orumb-feait to tempt the lean sontlorinK monse ! 
Little vt homo- feel is here, but we doubt thcre^d be leai in the House. 

Ah, TOO may argue, and argue I j arsue the bird from its a<fB'.. 
The oog from the side uf lU master, thu babe Irum its mother's warm breast. 
The ne«t maf be tiiru, Knd tho man nny bo poor, and the mother ilUolad, 
Bat the instinct that oltu^ is too stToufc for the reason that ratci it aa mad. 

1 'm mad, without doubt, in your eyes ; and the Poor Law, of coarse tlvat is 

sane. 
To oroaoh W the Union fir#. nothing empty, save boiom and brain. 
No hnngtr, but that of the heart, no f«»r save that terror untold. 
That creeps at the thought of " the House" to the broaiit of the helpleu and 

old:— 

The fear that to tuu is as foolish a* babyhood's dread nt a ghut. 

To linger uoWnii sad ulrjuu 'mi J»t nn fitii'n nnitormcd boat 
Of slruiRer* nlout uud uuluved, broken wailn Ihnt Ihe w*rld cannot mlu ; — 
You will tell OS— uul how ahaU we answer him. Josh F— miut be better than 
(Au/ 

Joaa, my Jo*x, who would then be but little more nuiio than the drees. 

They would wrap ruund these nig-uoverod limbs, oan wo hope to make gentle- 

folkfveM, 
Hu MROr. the (eanng aiiindnr, thn wrpnching from love's latent hold, 
The Toid that 'a more awJul than hunger, the palsy more dreadful than oold f 
Our frit ad hern is g«:ttiD)t impatient, Ptrhsp^, were uo memories ours 
)f the aaalighl that shone on our prime, we should sliuk from the shadow that 




Into ant/ retreat We wore taxed in our prosperous 

days like the best, 
And pride would eosroe stay our old feet trom the road to 

a hareo of reat. 

But who calls the HuuM suoh a haven ? ITot those who 

bare herded th^ rein , 
" Keep out of it, UiEsr.'" they cry, " whilst a coin or a 

crmt you can win," 
Badged. brow-bcatea, ranked without htvd to the links 

of a lifctimoF No. no! 
The road to the rt^vi;, though 'tis hard, is a rood we 

would far rather go. 

So help to the helpless mu't come, say our Hatters, or 

ouma ni>t at all. 
A ohoiue between hesrt-Lresk and hanger for those fata 

hn thruit to the wall. 
Is that a wise Conntry's hut word to its agod ones? 

Well, you have mine; 
And you call me a stahbornoldfooll Joan! JoAXi be 

content, I diclioet 

No. JoAS, I am not to he taken, B« comforted, wife. 1 
am here, [then, my dear. 

Wo sosroely Can see one another ; take hold of my tnod. 

Nay, I'm nut yielding, nil yet; thnngh porhnpi wore 
you warm, and woll fed 

Ah! pardon, old wife; we're together, the word that 
should p&rt ni noJiaid. 

• ■ * * ■ 

^r. BumbU loquitur; — 

Dead I In each other's thin arms clasped oloic^. as they 

wikhuJ. t') the end I 
Y«B, I cnlled him a atubborn old fool, and the fool 

wouldn't know his beat friend. 
Pohl but the poor are as mulish til round, ni tliough 

hoggnrs mighl ohrMisp. 
If a voioo oould awake in him Dow, I (Uppoee it would 

wake— to refuse. 

Maddening, folly like this, to a mind that's oflioiul and 
clear! [for many a year! 

Dead, in tho damp, chilly d*n where thoy 'vn huddlwl 

Whilst the Union gates ore ajar, and the Union pallets 
are spread. 

With a Poor l.nw shaped all for their itood, and they 
■purued at iU help, and they 'r« dead ! 

Wonlda't be nsrtod, forsooth! Could not ar^cue them 
tree of that Boare,* 

With tall( of iudulgeneo for agr, or of Qnardiaos' dis- 
cretion. The pair, 

Like hundrods of oouples, teemed erased on the point, 
and pi!r«unt>i''n was vain. 

Bogey taleH of the IIoum are the cr«ed of the crcdulaoa 
pMr, and their bone, 

Di&itv and JoAir I It la dismal. What good has it done 

thom to die, [but hero, in this stye f 

Clasped cloiw. but with famine- pinched faws, tovether, 

It's fol!)* ; it's worn", it's a miiaanoe. And yet they 

look peaceful -lil[<^. Come ! 
They've escaped from the House, after alt, and, poor 
fools, let uj trurt they 're— at Home I 
■ With tonun or without, it ia ooaiinonl)' imponilile to ftr- 
(usdo tbr need pnor Ihsl Ihoy hsve any nMurnoee of cot boiag 
•(.psriltd itbon onw in "tlie Hiiii«p ;" tbut Ibe GuaidlaDS have 
xuy diicn-Uun in lh« inittci. or. hiring it. an likely (e use H 
in tlifir fsrour. Tlie old oaupin vliuni the vriterbsa in hi* 
mind ireio Imporrioiu t» itgurnvnt on tlila point. — Ko. 



" Dot uid oo Oxi," it Mr. Toolk's motto in reririaK 
thia effective ChristmoJisy pirne, which is far from bdjar 
in its dot-Bge. Dut aid g') likn one o'clock it pruhably 
will, until the new pineo by the Partners Hkutslx haa 
bo<ii Botliaiently rehearsed. Mr, Tooi.x at Caiti P/aim- 
ifiitr (whioh in one pui>er's notice was mi^nrintad " CtAU" 
Plummrr, lima iriviua: the oomtdian planly of rnpo) is 
teeu to fTraX adysntatfc, and Bataially eoftsidrnnc that 
the old Dickena-Ujuctoault ;drama inmld draw money 
during the ChristBss holidays, looks upon this /lot aa a 
"spec." 

Tii« Thuiuoii. OovxBXtBO BoPT.— Tba Boanl of 
lilre-Worka. 



• 



J^yuutr 14, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



17 



AKOTBER RHYUE. 
£tt»ga rme mow *' Unm " is?»r«< vHtk Mr. PtnA'i umpliment*. to tt« 

Poa SinnbVTiK, wAo eoMiI only fif ont r%inala "foh.'* 

Babi, if rh;nii« be none 

To tlut btld h««d vori 
Bate, matt dribbling one 
Ever haui. 

Hitht i* it to •tump 

Cp ud down, in view 
Of * roniid and plnntp 

HfctiiHtlistrtirme 

Shenld tin rou your pUw, 
UuB dumplinic pnine 
To jcmr tweP 

OonM witd niaht rati rtiw 

Socb a howl 1- Wtuit wiind 
Like foar •qocal diiin»T« 
All hMTto Toand I 



Kooe Mil t«U in nwtr«, 

Wbat Tmir ■mtla ia wortl). 

Stnos iwift Aigbt ^towt tl««t«r 

At joar miith. 

Still. wluWor T«n nuT ba, 

DiU. poto*<lii*~ttt(iliMo I 
"B^w"Ic«t'tlil«e"lxa.y" 
Fit with rhms. 

■■ A«tnUb« '* " too KhooUsh, 

"Q«iitMicciBB's"tooiww. 
Nlffi*^* "K*be'B" too fooluh. 

NoDo will do. 

Stop thongh I Ut Baby " gyn 

And gimliie in tbo wnt*," 
Tlul'alll Vialda C*luu>LL'8 lyre 
BhyiMfor JB<ie«.' 



POSTED UP. 



Dux HK.PutirB,~I crave yoorirmpatlLTiad, If pOMfble.vourpTO- 
teotloa from a duly and evcT-icarcwdng wuianee tut uaaila me. I 
refer to tlisapputnitlf iuexhaiutible ttrvam of protpMrtuovs. oiruulan, 
■tock and mate liitu, tuating adt^nliHtmcnlii, cbmly a [< plications, 
atfwk-tobbera' latton, that tluwi int.) my Ittter-tHii willi tverv jioit, 
and which, did I not utrnpgln against it with all my miRbt aiiJ main, 
wcFuld literaiiy oviTwhrslm nin. Now, my dear Sir, I am a plain inili- 
vidanl, ofntnipwiial notoriety, living in a quint Wert End nuuarp.Biid 
my nainn i> down in thn Courl GutiU, and possibly in a local Utroolory. 

lint it happoni alio to he down nomewhcre as a holder of a few 
Hiaing Shartu, and I am known to postos some Railway Stonlc. And 
thin in ii'iite enon)(h, Fiirthwith, I aiipoar to he selentpd atatargi^thy 
the Srcrii tar y of every fosnibl'^aiiiiitiipi^Miiihlti "oonnern" that thn folly 
of the greedy spec ulHlvr or tin- ehiowieryof the onlerpri sing promoter 
Hts on foot. I am ahowert^l with Fro«pectu«e8. They poar m on me 
llt«raUir In huniiredit. Stiver MiuBt in Mexico, Qold Uinet in Soatli 
Afriua, Lnud Mr^rt^aifoi in Canada, all got up with entioint oolourt-d 
diaeramB and maps jf the various " vutateB,'' " ludea," &Qd " 8h»tls," 
that arc to Beauru tan. at onuo frum \'> to 40 iifr wtA. on my paid-up 
Gupitol, to say nothing ot a thousand and uue ventures nearer home, 
in the shape ot " Family Fog Signal" Componien, " Nuiwless Draw- 
iog-Eoom Cart-whi-nl " Comnanie*, " Patent Aulomalio Double Tooth 
Extracting " Companies, and I know not what other appeal to me 
•yerlutinglY for ray finanoinl support, 

Niir ia this nil. Admrtining atnck-johben, as if mr whole life 
wore one prolonged whirl of gambling in the Honey Hiirket, beset 
BW with ftntreatip" to forward tbem any amonnt from one to five 
thossand pouniiaint.be shaiieof "covi'r" toenable tbem tfthavoafree 
hand for me and " realiM luLndtome profit*" in some " good thing " 
ot other that they, from special sources of information of their own. 
kitow b about to oome off. Nothing can exceed the peraistence and 

Soah'ot these last-named advt-rtiBtng bartiitB. They iwil«r me in ever 
iCreasing shoals week after weuk. Ttieu there are the endless 
charity applioatiuna, genorally aou(jm;iuujed bv a Rmall[i)<>v(<tett« or 
■omo uLberfurmof brief but stirring dram alio literature, and laat, but 
not least of all, the " ctraular " of the enterprisiuK Tnulenmau who. 
in his desire to oiaape a swift and dirett trauBmisaiou to the wante- 
papcr bultet. purposoly invades me in Bcime artfully desiguod otiieial 
guise, and by either aealing his envelope with the Ruyal Arms, ot 
00Oipicnon«ly printing on it some snuh supersoription as " On Jler 
Miyitty't S^.iM," or " if'iOi Ike Piimi MiniiUi-'i Camplimenli," 
imdm me into opening it, and for a moment becoming familiar with 
ua tooting ooDtents — or rather, I should aay he did, for I am on my 
natd now, and am fairly roused ; and for toe last fortnight, driven 
ndNVCnoon, bare met the evU ia the only legitimate way; viz., 
^ CCodlslliK the whole oootenta of my letter-box, whcnevor they 
UTC Imm bnoght up to me. straightway to the fire. Aa a matter 
of Cut. I have found that hf so doing I have destroyed several 
▼alubU aad important documents, and among them a Demand-note 
Ua Hr««Ual Etat«a, a County Court Hummoun, a letter from an 
•XMator cnolodny a large eheouo. and the leone of a friend's house — 
tha dlaai^atmtu* of all of which. I need acureely say. is causing me 
no little inocmTomoneo. Bat what la this to the triumphant sonM 
of having for odoc been equal to the Prnspcctup-tnongcn ! Not that 
I haro Q^ta daee that yst, bnt 1 will yet manogn to nvadu them. 

Lut TBOsday I nailed up my Inttor-boi, and the Postman ha* 
rinM obonsUed ttu boorly oonaignmnnt to my hoiiiw down tbo arvo. 
Tba Ooek ndMronnd to dispose of thin yottrday, with the r«aalt «f 
••ttrnt the UtebM oUmney on Are. 1 have now some thought* of 
■addenly leaving my house, and obanKing my name, at eren of 



MUgratinc. M pioking a peraonal qutrrel with the Foatmasf«r- 
OaunLlndMo, I am cm the verge of doing stimethiog: drispcrate. 
B«t jm, nr diar Mr. Piuuk, will, 1 know, onderat&nd the morbid 
*t4t« of tMuin that Ml b« iiidiioM, by the eitcumstoncss I have 
dMwrib«d, nd oimrMJat* ttta feellncs of 

VooTt, dcapauiBflr, A Ticitu or mi Ai>ti!xtihino For. 




OUR BOOKINQ-OFFICE. 

Tat XIXtK Cmtwv, "this ao-ealled SInetaenth Century." 
(lu UogBTin*) that la, lot this month, ispeouliarly InterMtag. Sir 
^3<BT TnoH)-K>K treats, seuiblr and 
eautloutly, "Tho Proareia of Ortsnation," 
wUch is Bot yet quite the " bureinc quMttoo 
that, late* on, it u T«iy likely to btoona. Ha 
cxelainwiii a not*, "What on opfMrtDIUtr 
foraCampoSantoat WertminislCTr' Tea: 
fnll of ItuBJis' UemoriaU. If it haa erer 
ooourrcd to any readers of Hr. I'sxPiBic 
(not " fxiDEKicx " whioh would be so 
OonUDOO, joa know) HiiBiLi«}]i'a writinga to 
a*k why Uui brilliant author bai never 
prodiMM a ooDMdy '( or why, if uoaUo to 
1 ur-i^^u^sK oonatrnctaplot,haahen«r«rMUaBasaMaa 
'^*^^"**^ a nTHma of oomedjr dlalora« t Too asxiou 
intiuirM will And ■ ■atiafaeUrr aoaw«r m the aeoond ortido of 
this UagoidiM, entitled "The Two Path*." which recall* to 
ua tho palnn day* of Dr. B<trt<^, sweetly OMmninf with 
llarrv aisd Tomm), ot the epigTaininntic dialcvuta esBtuwd in 
tho j^y XeMoiuby Makia EcoEWOKm. WohaT« one (oodwMd 
to U.J for it, and with thi* he himself praridca u; the 
word U" OS the charade- players say, " Boot-tfotUr." fluuUns; 
a " Variety rMd«r" a* diotiact (mt a stodent. Bat wmudn t 
" Book-ekippM*' ba better P What oheer. Bkip«*rl Aad Isn't 
the Skipper Jost the person who would keep a lof i and when 
ouy^binx leosarkable was "foand," wouldn't tho Sfcipprr " Make 
a Bote of it," and on h« ikipe again ? Still. Book-trolter U 
good, and we Hunk FntDnlO-witboiit-the-' k ' (auW nght 
to Ket rid of all snperfluon* lrttc«-«ilr why not haw tocri- 
liccd the '■«'■ and retained the "k"-Uia* "TnmmrKi;"} for 
teaahing oa the word. Yes, PaB«i.i>TEi«, we Uke book-trotUntwrt 
book-trottors : agreeable, saparfioial. sooiaWc persona, and usually 
good oompany. In the third eisay MilTT AasQI-H " gwa fur" 8itkl- 
LKr ; in the eighth, Mr. Justice SrEfBRK hoi round number three 
with Pr)fe«sor Sr. Gr^aiiuK Mit»ht ; the Dragon olwsvs 
had a poor chance ( with St. George, though apparently the 
odds were on the monster. Mr. Justice wants to havn the Proftsior 
up before him, and sentence him out of hand. Tho ProfcMOr con- 
ducts his own dnfenoe, and ia able to take care of himself. A. C. 
fiwmBDasE, whoia Ihe^rtmVAf'yfot January, baa such a dilnoolty 
in rhyming to "babe," senda an artiolo to Thr XJXlh Cfntvrf, 
dated from Hanwell. The locality it its oiplanatiion end oxoose. 
Altogether, n? XlXth Onfurj/ Coach, Driver JiXT* KsowLaa, 
makes a good start in the Sew Year. Apropos of Poet Swis- 
)i[;knk and Honwcll. has the leetare of aome toniuent medical man 
met his eye, tn-atinp of th« melancholy end whiuh await* all 
punstori,^ and, if so, has ho iu de&anoeof this eminent person; written 
this lino in hii Loerati — 

" What boola U Ihoogh thou plight thy worJ le Uot f " 
whioh the Poet clearly— that U, as clearly ai potsihle— meant for a 
pun, and a bootiful one, too, he thiiutrbtit. If be didn't intend a 
pnn on the word boot, then that 's quite another pail ot shoes. Away 
U Hanwcll, where perhaps I nay foregather with the JubUse 
Bbowbiho. and yet remain your devoted, 

B.1E0X DB Book Wobh^. 



TO "THE TIMES.'' 



{Una im tU etUtroHon tf iU Cttttiun. /rt^ aJajM /rw,, 
'■ Tit BunMaek?-) 

" I 'vR known him since I wia a chQd. E'en then 
The mora T thought a vtry weary on«. 
That breught not Master W*i.i«»;_ 

^ • • Writorathen, 

Men of great skill and learning, wroto Im one 
Who ruled them— Master WiLTjui. 

What wu doU 
A word from Maolor Wauxk mad* W dear 
Aj daylight. 

* * Master WaLm came, and canes, 
SoMuner and winter still, without or with 
A double sheat of supplemeot, and atUl , ^ v-% 
Comes Msatet W k««». aa <A-?«»vV«»**'«'"V^__ 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI. 



[Jaskabt U. 188T. 




LONDON IDYLS. 

Atftmta ilk4 Btir\ "Awfuixt koto o» Ubk. ILisBAti ro oit* vs i Lirr. Bur rr WM iutbeb a Sijtntuiv ■■?" 

■AutUU DrlrimnUal [hit Vvunytr BrtiAer). " Tbs. Bt TB« wit, talkiho ot Sgouies, ir sraocx Ml vi:«t roaciBLT, DiirlHa 

UmtO, taAT VUD U UOT BULD or OHK OF UlltS LACU MaSRAK'R HAXtHI ! " 

^IfMiwK. "Wux, TOO KtbDUKo Tomro IdiotI wmat t* I a^nf" 
Atk. "Ob, xomm. Oxlt /'v oor soib or nv« Ornii^ tou rnowI" 



BALFOUR'S "IRREPRESSIBLE" DOMKEY. 

Aim.—" n* A-vny ^(ft( CnsniJal /ttinrf*." 

Oh! h«Tc you heard— bat of ooiirio yon have— 
Of a mrioiu cr«aturD, u ■tuhliorn u >irave. 
Aa uoD-hsalad kiGk«T, tt buck-jumpiag 
kn*r», 
CJUd tho [rrepromble Donkef P 
Tha •• IlIondiD D«nk«T " b full of lia tiicki, 
Bat Ibfl IrreprembU Mail; Uok* 
nil Uu»it)'Hal! tauiel in cupvis uid kloki ; 
And tW dC'Verest ridur in found in a Si, 
When hi' tldlmi up to llio nnimirs side, 
PliojC* <''er tbu iii.<Idle bin leg* utride. 
Aod ridtri, ur rulticr esaiyi \ii ride, 
Thu IrrcprMiible Donkey. 
Bm him Btraddk, behold him reu I 
Tins olcvertst ridtr may well feel (B«r, 
Afld cling to the nefik. or holdixiby the ekr, 
Uf tha IiTupr«uibU Uouktiy. 

Thii Busohierona "n»k»" U an avkward 

brute. 
And apt from the saddle to iiiddenly ihoot 
Th* would- ho ri»lnam who doe«o't »iiit 

The IrTvpr'.'iBiblo DonkBV. 
lUo; > llaluiui tiiat acat b«th had, 
Ridori good, and ridcri bad, 
Bnt Tory, Llbenl. Whig, or Rad, 
Tbi« dr*»j(ul duaktj- ha« diiTeo th«m mad. 
i'ouiriiR (onj-, «od nti.raoB tall, 
Hicu-Bucit. UoKur, eatJt aod all. 
nw line or otW, bST« hud a fall 

From Uu ImprMubte Donkey. 



Bi.LFOir& moQoted u well aa moit. 

And aame of hia friend* ai« bcgianing to 

boaat 
That he'a a right Rakkt. who will not be 

tOit 

From the IrTepreamble Donkey. 

Of Donkey-ridinp he baa the Rift, 
Is up to esoh aaiutrip stmititle and hhift, 
Cao make the anitail fee) hii heft. 
And prone on hia bock will nei-er be left. 
BAi.youa. they say. ii « bleaed bona, 
He 'tl truat u the Coloael treated the ooon, 
And make danci?, tona, to a s«nt«el tone, 
The irrcpreasible Donkey. 

Hm him atraddlei Ac- 
Well, that, of uuune, ri^aiaini to be Men : 
At preaent the creature ia pranoing. I weeo ; 
There atill teems nome "devil," aiul plenty 
ot gpleen. 
In the Irrepreasible Ponkny. 
Riund he goes with hi» hootn atprawl. 
Hia moath gipsa wide, aod hit t«»tb afoa't 

■malt, 
With hia ear* tud back, and hia tail to the 

wait, 
ne dwan't appear a nice " mount" at alL 
To brave BaLPOua and hit " rcaolats'*, Chief 
'Twill be a great joy, and a rejl relief. 
To find tlu-re 'a one rider does ruiC eoOM to grief 
With thii Irrepraaaible Donkey. 
See him atraddle, and atamp, and rear ! 
Look at hii grinaera, and twig hi* ear ! 
Ho'U atill want a good d<«l ot " riding," I 
fear— 
The Irreprefliible Donkey I 



" A SELF-EDFCATISO PR0FES3I0K." 

Is oonaeqneaoe of hia dinl.inguiahed aue- 
oeaa at Berlin. Ur. Charles Wi\[>ti\)i, will, 
it !* probable, play I)tirid OarrUh at St. 
PeteraburKh, The plav has been already aab- 
mitled to the Chiei of the Delectivo Palioe, 
who ia BtiU engan d (in attempting to disoorer 
the plot. Mr, Wvndhau haa asmrtd tb« 
Heaa of the Department that there 'a nothing 
in it— meaning the plot not the head— bnt 
thia sounded 14 like Nihilism in it, that the 
play will now have to undergo the aevereat 
■oratioy. Mr. Cuajllbs Wtmdsav will play 
the part in RiiRaJan. The title of the piece 
wilt be Diwitl'ijf 0'iirnck$ki. 

It ia uuderBt-»d in certain well'informed 
oirulea Ibut Mr. Benkt iHvtNu (who in epite 
uf all repurla to the contrarv, ii quite well, 
wo arc vary alad to Lear, aod doln^ Hrat-rate 
busineta. We atwaya did think bt* buaiueea 
rci-y Eoud, i-ipeciilly is Mrphittjjphflet . Louit 
tht hUvtnth,n^A A(iMkM}uBtuilyinj[!x>auiah 
and l'ortuirile»c, iuonli^r l.jtilay a round of hia 
faTi)nrit« cbajauti^rs al MadriJ and Ijpurto. 

Mr. TooLK ia atudyiiiK' Spauish in ordtr to 

Bpear at Madrid at Ihin Paului I'riot. hot 
la* LiKOKK ha* rsuiiHtcd him to defer hi* 
engniteui'nt in the rijt lalanda for anuther 
Wftk or two, in order to enable her to obtain 
a tlmruagh miistery of the langonge. Some 
Sandwivli Island mnn have alroajjy been Bcnt 
on in advaciMi witb the bonrd-adrerliKmcota. 



"On 'Cqakob."— Utiotation for the Stw 
Year, 1| [1883!- 



Jasvahy U, 18SS.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



SI 



THE SHALLABALAH MAHARAJAH; 

Or ThtCjnfssiiaai^fanladumPHncr. 

I'lX t«U yoa. the •dventorM of k Funotu IndUa Prlooe, 
You ne«da't *Urt u the nnwi I itnptrt, 

I 'm tb« ShkUabaUh H«'rtij>i1i 1 

1 \tl twteC liOQlKll ID 

Engtuid, and bftvon't 
Kot ov(ir it »inor, 
For the tmt.h to t«ll, ■ 
tern) lie tweU 

1« the Shallntiilnh 
Ha'raj&h. 
I'm ovL'rwhclm(<d with 
gold, and 80 atn while 
away my time ; 
My »uil<! is Ury*. Taj 
ODituntcB stand, m^ 
juvcti i/xi sublime. 
And 1 look lilio Hieiii 
Niciini.ijt in a Cbriat- 
VMs Vaxiifimian, 
And yoa know how, 
to RiiTtsy B-nd how. 
To thii ShallnbiUh 
lla'r.kjfth, 

I ckine to London. — 
p'rhap* I 'd better My 
DOW I tidKua, 
Fur no S'lbub, wu 
hnlf suoli II nub. 
As tho BbalUbalBh 
Mtt'rnjah. 
L I took thrw «uacioti» 
ManiioiiB and I throw 
them into one, 
• S. With n donr for yoa, 
md thn tilhirtwii, 
Fdrth^Shailttbakh 
Ha'rajah. 
Ton Mk«d me out to 
nn \ diDoeTt.KQdy on wrote 

-''^•■*«- the word. "lo meet 

Ria niithn«iw the Miit^RtJiH," on vo;ir carda for the fUft, 
And yijii Kio-e ran miii:h to luok nt, tfio' there man't nuoh to eal. 
And S niDi:[Kanj hook, which yon placed in atoolc. 
For the Bhallabalah Ua'rajuh. 

I wa« carl*d oil to Piotnrps. PUf hoose. Party, Concert, Ball, 
And ho \ tbo ruth, of cxtrAVMcant roth. 

For the Shaliabalah Ma'rajalt. 
And oft to your TToitno of rarliauivnt— th« gn>atMt trial of alli 
And ono«,— or more, you dctncted a snore, 

Fium ttio tiliilUbilnh Mi'rujah, 
Tben crowd* I uku) to dinv oil Curry. Bombiy Uuuk and Spioe, 
Witb ponnda and puiiuds of (inrlir: nnd a ton or two of rtve, — 
The latter \«tj wholctomc, and moit HHing at the price — 
And I mede them drink, thn purn Indian Ink, 
Of the ShaUabalah Ma'rajah. 

I ^ M bortd of Town— I thouitht t/) trt-t beyond your reach 
Of friend* — a hott— eutKcit^d n doh^I. 

For the .Stmllibaliib Mn'rojah. 
So I took a TOW o( hoTiiHS wilU a view of sua unci beoob. 
But the mob wan nhivwd, and hotly pursued. 
The SIuilUb»Iiih Ma'mjiih. 
And nobUa eolUd from llinlcr. lUrmlny. Lecdi and Preetoa Poni, 
With Varmouth Trtppu*, Cotton- brok cm, WeUh and Highland 

CUui 
And a nrell whoM name wai BoonlXB, but who calUd himwlt 

BCJAKK, 

Vho btofce hit brace, while bnwioi with fcraoe. 
To the HhalUbojiib Mu'rajih. 

I W>« (BOilBOned to Wiadior Ciutle, and I thooRht a lot of that, 
A oaniige (iituan. was littixl np nnon, 

For tbo Bbaltabftlah Ma'njah. 
At the Cattle I waa kept awaitinit houm on the mat— 
With an agod Ptar, who adopted a gncer, 

For the ghallabakh Hu^rajah. 
I vu ahown aome precioim tagi^BtritB. sumr piutunH and a jar. 
And thatt I waa inTaeted with u prvcirjuo liudKo and atar, 
And tba ag«d Pter pretwuted mo with a pmious bad cigar. 
With a wink oi hii vto, \\c bade a good-byo. 
To the Hhallnbolah Ma'rajah. 




I've aecn the florioni HiUIon and the dorinna Upper Tan, 
And bear la mind, thny wem all of thnm kind, 
To the Shailftlmlih Ma'rijab. 
And I 've teen Tour ipl(<iidid «at]ore, and toqf military men, 
And a word of advice, I think will «uffi%. 

From the Shalldbilah Ma'nijih. 
I 've heard Jfou do not want to fijlit — by Jingo it you do? 
You'd bettor aeo your guns don't burst, or bayonots break in two. 
And your ironoLada. viioiild r«t npoa, — not umUr the oooan blue. 
Imay bo wrong— but that ii the sonr. 

Of the ShalUbalah Ua'rajak. 



THE HOLIDAY CONVEESATION-BOOK. 
AuocT Btpeichax. 

PaUr/amiliat, And •>, my dear children, fon hare b«ea to the 
Cryatal PaUce f 

Maria. Yaa, dear P&p^ as yon Erected— third' vlaiM aod oarryinc 
In our poekata eaoh a piefcet el laadwlctiee. 

Paler. That u right, my dear*. Th« joint apirit of eoooomy and 
•etf-relianee ahootd govern onr aotionH fromonr earliest year*. And 
nt>w that you have Been that iaiirnilii»nl homo of all Ihit ia beautiful 
in Nituro and Art, thn Crystal Pnlaot. t«U tnc what nlorioai inhibit 
moist attrantod ynnr atteatiaa. Wai it the Court of the Alhambra, 
the Pompcinn itonac, or the Sue enlUctinn of plaater oaata f 

J<ihnny. Nkit one of tho three, dear Papa,— W« WVra moat pteaaed 
with the Pantomime. 

PaUr. Wm it a giwd one f 

Maria. A very uirA one. It wai oatled Ribinton Cnuot, and wat 
written oriKinally by the late Mr. H, J. Bvrob. 

Filter. Dear mu, it mutt have been the old Prinoeu^B Pantoraime, 
in which BsFioosi appeared. He played, I remembor, the part of 
Friday. 

Marry. Mr. D'AiTBaw takes it now, Pap«. 

Pater, And it oauid not ba iu bottor hands. And now, little 
Okoho)-, what did von think of the hallct T 

George. Booful, hoiifal — Hijofnl ii'klo nitor ladiel. 

Pater. What does thn little man. ranan? 

M'tria. 1 fancy, dearcrt Papa, that little OnoftOCK wi»he» Mi to 
understand that the hailtt waa perfect, from the premirri ilantiuit 
down to tho extra lad let. 

0»i-rgt, 'V.'i thftt's what iokleOio&aisia«ixii. Boof til, booful I 

Patfr. And the scenery ? 

Mitfi'i. Was ubaruiing. The dreaees were also in excellent taste. 
Mr. WiLLiAU Ki'i.voLIi too [who I think I have heard you >ay it an 
eiosUeat molodramatio actor) wa» eapilal as King Turanny. 

PaUr. And were yoa pleased with Iho harUquioado V 

Jamet. It was not lo rtllned aa the opening. Some of the Clown'e 
jokoa lartmred more ef the East than the West End. 

Pater. Anci after seeing tli? Pantomime 1 suppose you harried 
away to revsl in the Ireusuret cf Art ? 

Maria. That ni> doubt woe our inclination, bat it being ChrUtmee 
time, W£ considered it better to postpone the revel yoa euggeet for 
thv moment, and as an ult«niativ« plcunre to da^ into an Enter- 
tainniant of a Conjuror and a lady called At^btb. 

Paler. I trust that the ejioelUnco of the »how companeal^dfot the 
loas of the rich iutelliietual treat you apparently aaorilloed iu order 
to attend it? 

Janiet. The Conjuror had rather a mulanuholy manner. 1 feel 
that abottld I ever wiah to bob him again (which it improbable), I 
would prefer to renew hia nOijuaintivnoo during Lent. 

Pater. And, after thia, I suppose you oil ruiht-d to the Kgyplian 
Court to inspect the intcrcating mural inicriptiona with their vari- 
oolourtd hicroglyphiei 1" 

Maria. No donht wn ahonid havA dono this, dearcat Pajia, had it 
not now become too dork to identify them. 8"i we went in*t«ad to 
*e« Mr. SrfAiKLLi! and Rome Diuolvist Tiewa, in another part of 
the building. 

Paitr, And wtre you eatisBeii? 

Jamet. Uor? Uiiio satisljcJ. We Wtfe ao bleaiod with Hr. Sm- 
ZELLE — who uppeurcd to us to be an admirable trafrnHan— and hia 
DiiBolviug Vmwa, that it woi witb the utmost dilKculty wo tore 
ourselTea away from them both tu cat<h a train. Our regret waa 
the more acute, oa at the time uf our departure Mr. tigrai;KU.K, 
dressed oi MephittopheUi, waa singing a modern caraia aong. 

Pater. Well, my deara. yuu aetra to have onjoynd yoiirsptvea 
tlioroughly, and ni, from what yoit (ay, yoa ^ipaar to I.tke more 
delight in intellectual proweas tiiao mere aceilio diaplay, fou eludl 
all pay (the only thing yoa will bare to pay, aa admuaion is gratia) 
a long visit on Thursday to the Huseum of Praotioal Qeology In 
Jermyn Street. 

Onines. Oh, thank yoo. dearcrt Papal That will indeed be 
delightful 1 

Tninicu. Fiu-Fuxs.— Tba " vy«»" ATtawA-tt*. 



S3 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Januaev U, 1888. 





■FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," fcc 

Srksb— -< Chnslmai Family Gathering at a Cauniry UeniM. 
Old Baehtlar OuaUvhUntlj/ itteatenrd nut <•/ hit mominy tnooie). " Who "bh TaiiiBr' 

Tlu OrandtkildTtn {ilwuting tn ckona, and banging at Ait door). "Od, Mr. Uut.KLRV— I-LBASB— Mb. ButS'xr— TO OBT UP— UtD CO 
tirs nm roKii— T* aAVs— 'c*m>— Uban'ua •at«— w« mat— ir it 'll briii Vod— it 'll bear Us ! I " 



* 



HUSBANDS AND HUSBANDRY. 

A Sptfimtn c/lht Hamantim- Fiscal Fitlioa iff the Fittiirt. 

" Lwt jmr *M the wor>t ever moordr-d for mniriiiKfi in SagXuni. . . ' 
Thil b ilill more naiAikiblu U ibal Ihii (nllioi off in tho wedding rato 
ooiiicidnil Willi ■ 1i)w prirn "t whrnt, ■ . ■ TIlH till of tbK nitrrlPea Titc. 
dwUrp« the ItcKiitnr-QMifrBl, 'voinaldct with a tletilinc in itiii tUub pi^i 
head of BrltUh riporU." "—llaily TiUgraph. 

"0 ntKKN, Hymen, miUiimetb? torohl" 

Bo wrrow fully nialiod the luvsly Lady P»ICIIbFritkbbvhoht. 

There hnd not, been a vedoioic worth oaltiDg a wtiddmi; in 
EDalnnd lor full five jvm*. The (uhioaftbla funes of St. Oeorge'a 
uiil l^t. MtLrraret'ii Were \t ilMfrted ui the pilkrud uisleeof Pulmyrn. 
Aod the Liuly Phyceir vaa the unhaiipicBt Eirl iu all En^Uiid. 

Sbe lovcd, JQ the (eurless old fueliiuD, ut oourae, — but all fiiiLiuue 
of Ime were old now,— jrouiiK WiLfEfi WSKiIHB of KockfL>rry 
Farm. To sU aiipfiranous she mii^ht m well have udortd Uuunt 
Atho«, or wurKhil>p('d ArUiur'a Seat. 

■■rsiciiit " BBid her Mother. "I believe it ia all the remilt of 
Soicnoe, and Socioliim, Bad tStatutic?, and thingi,— eapecinlly those 
hnrrid Htatiatioi. which leera to me to upset eTerythinK, and which 
/ think are molt wicked and unpions, betidiia being ho thixikingly dry 
and boriaK. The world went very wtll heforn your OoimRUn and 
Gii-KKMa went in for tuhala'irig everything, from heart-throbs to 
com ■imports, from Unomiiloyed averaees to the MarriHge-rate," 

"Weil, HrwKX in the oriief of the Unemployed now. Mamma, at 
any rat*," moaned the Lady Psyche. 

'■ Row can you juke on such a seriuiu aabject, PsTcm P" cried 
th« oldur tady, QuunoinE impatiently amy. 

• • • • « * 

"KStatittioaAai'pdoneit aU,"«ighol I^vp^rcai, "lonlyinBh 
dier wvre tied round Mr. UoacuKir'* ncok and oaat into the " 

' Nothinjt id the «ort, my pow girl," aaavered a honey-toaed 
Toioe. It oame from a hatidsonio youth who— ia November — might 
haro been taken for a lort of jtlarintid link-boy, thuu/h more lightly 
otfi thMa tb*t iunotion in that «ea*OD miicht Mem to demaud. 




"t>h, yuQ have rstumed, then?" cried Lady Pstchk, reoogniuag 
liim infitanliy. Whpre harf yon been hidinir youniell f " 

■■ I 've heen »tndjing Fair Trade with How.iku VlKcnfr," 
anRwereil Hrurjt. 

"The wretohl" ejaonlated Lady P*TCtti, vioioiuly. "I don't 
mean j/ok," (he hastened to eiplwn, " but Boward VivcEar, for 
detaining yon all thU while in the intereata of his moat preoioui 
fad." 

" Yon don't understand." said the yonth. pityingly. " It is no 
fad, bat a fatality. Sine t'erire et Baccho frigct f'eniu. Of eaUTM 
you ondcnland that, la the abjence of Cores and liacchuj, Vran* 
growa oold. Without eora and wine, I/>ve bsos warmth. And an 
you Ve chosen to turn the c^ld ahoaJder apon Ceres, oan yon wonder 
if she has chillf d tuwards yon ? " 

" What ll" yon meanl'" cried Lady Pstchb, 

" Simply thnt wheat is at eo ahsnrdly low a figure, (hat it doesn't 

p!i7 the lirttiah farmer any longer to prodaoo it," answered HtXER. 

yeri. tap.,'" And he yaniaiied. 

• • > ■ ■ • 

" Cpfm, to theo bflong* the xMivt lay, 

Whom lutka iu ladiaiioe round Ibj lemple plaj," 

saof the I,ady P^aviti! Wbkatxar. 

" They eaiinot play more radiantly roond the goddeaa't Uoiplei 
than do yoors roiiud your roty brow, Psiciir,'' responded her adoring 

huibaud. fanning h«r fair dushed lace (Quired with EuinirUd loya 
and Augnnt h^at. a.s she bent over her faaby'a bemaurtelle) with a 
copy of the Mark Lane f/a:etU. 

" Huah I ^Vliiiper not a word of even oompEmtire ditparagMoent 

of the 'rtoh-haiped daughter of Rhea,' or noliody known utdf Bay 
happen," cried Lady Pjvi.hb. "She may get the hnmp — I mean, 
she may take wvll justided oSecce again, von know, Waltrk. ana 
then the price of com will oome down, and the marriago-Tat^ with it, 
and Oi.iiistO«K— gr-r-r I— may come baclt, and Howard VntcHfT 
and IlniKK g>> way again, and Free Trade and UniT«nal SpUulw- 
hood be re-eatabli^ljed, and the Cobden Club be eet upafain, uidtlw 
"Cheap Loaf " heresy apruadoooe more, and that onulvaroiu etra. 



JASTAfcT H, 18«8.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



S3 




fif^^-p'- 



"ALL OVER THE PLACEI" OR, MR. GLADSTONE'S DREAM IN FLORENCE. 



" tht CMuncier." cantiieie Cum, kad const qoentlf ConnnbUlitf, off 
Um Uae of the (English] earth, uid " 

" Hnah, bush, do baih I " icterjeoted the ihotkcd 0«iitIniiiii 
FumcT. "Stnofo, dAttlnK." ha added, mnundf. "Ih»t there 
tbould b« 10 clow ft nbrtioiiBhip betirceti HakbAndry {of uqc aort), 
and nubtadTT (<f UloUiet)! Fuicr MrtnkLnd beiiiR willing to 
■Mri&w Hatrimonr to nicb UungB m Cheap Food, fitntiitio, ftod 
Bionomio Ortkodox; I " 

" ITooMMbiMf mrer ioim.' " interposed Pktchb. " Wbioh ibows 
how naoh wiMT we women ije tbui tou dud." 

" Wonen," «milfd the niorions Wssatear, " im, ift«r ftll, our 
EiwtMt'tUple,' our matt importuit *iQt«)Kat«,' our mott nliiablo 
contBodlty,' on moit inexhaustible ' rusoutom ' " 

'■ SUr." orW hb wUe. »whly. " Hardly ■ inejhauaUMe." " 

"How Mtf " qoeritd the myalifted Wheiltk^b. 

"Wbj," Mnonded FncBE. " bceauiM ^rtat reworow •• they 
oart«inly are. tocy are ntoiir«« whiuh require ti be huthanitd!" 

"Hkf bal bBl** Uugbcd tlic esanonred CDD, ciubcruDtlf. "My 
Fricsii, after all, is the vdIj true Eoanomiat ! " 



PL&TED OUT. 

TUK AXKKK of AfilHi»i9TA.a. btinc m-irtnU* aftiij of ati nUiroate 
English occnpation ol his countrj-, hu hii beftiu him variou» pliinB 
by wbinh bo oaa maku iur« ut Vfxws-s^ the drciuied iaTador oat. 
Among the mggOOtioDi iabmitt«d tu Kim were : — 

1. To import Hr, Uic^haiei. [)ivi'rr, Mr. Dillun, and other em ineut 
frixh Home-Rtileri, and f^eX them to take ap thoir r«*idencv at 
Cabul. 'I. To utart a Chrutman Day once a month. 3. To start an 
Inw.raf-Tax-ooliection once a wctk. \. To aik a oolony of hurdy^ 
mriiy playern to set up in his dominiooB. .'>, To have a Cabul 
I'tul'lii Muddh Oauttf. <i. To repr«B«at Afghanistan u a iMOod 
and rather wone Bormah. And 7, to Intioduco the So>tch bacplpea 
to hit ptopla. 

Her« ia a ohanoe for diatrcned Crofters I Wlut a nuh there 
will b« U> Uxt AaDDLBBaiuv I 



SwBETS UTD BrrtBBS.— Mrs, BjUI sayi she undentands the Sacac ^ 
Boonties to m«ao a bilas on the exp)TtatiMk<Ava«>i> \ 



PDNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[jAxtTiRT H, 1888. 



^ 



OUR DEBATrNQ CLUB. 

An Ertnina of Incidmt—Duff wjbhA CoehhuU't ffelinfi—The 
B«H. S*e. provM hit aa/'taitttiiitct toith (A« Riilt*—lS» Debate 
it brought to a etoia in on %mprrttdtnl*d manarr, 

ItU jn»l»hout a rear »ip> that on*i>f ©nr laeetinf* wai att•nd^^d, 
not only hj mo»t of tho rcitiilar memb«n, bnt also Hy so inuiieat 
of BO »taftlin« nnA Qimiuiil ft niture, that wf^ lae »11 of uj a little 
ihy of alluJinit to it, ev«n now. 

The motion we w«re iiiirii"itis w*i one which sver piMseises a 
itrong fuciniti'iri li>r tU? miirn npi-ciilntiva ord^r ot mtna, baing to 
thi« dient: " Thil thii n<>ns9 ii stronsljr of opioion th»t the 
eiintonon of whit ure vulff«rly knowQ x 'Ohusta'is suffl^ientlj' 
Mt»hU»hod by crtdihlB teitimotiy t" bo aopi-pted ■■ a positive foot. 

C irxncLr., who pn>j)i»Bed th* rairtion, »Sivr a moot ploiiuent and 
eihftuslivB »pccch iMtinjr ov»r lliri*-iiii»rt«ni of an hour, and freely 
punctnitttil lownrdi iU ow»e by Ihs Pr««idciit'ii bfU. ooimluded thus : 

And now, Sir. m i«r u WM poMlble in th" limitu aiforded me "— 
('■piB^-pi'n? " /•■■■'» thr bttt)— I have '.| noted, I think, every iattinoe 
of a •upernatural apponmnce rcourded sinae ni»nkind firrt be^an to 
obutrve theee phenomnna with any attynlion." [Thit uia» no idU 
bmst: the nximhrr luuirarirl^cfCocaBULL'aciwi. -lad the miili-rly 
mnnnrr in tthieh An narrntea thfm, h'ul rtUwril itliwat prery 
(Tarffnylt (o a mn-Hti'it of " gaaiifienh" atui rmcteil hnir.) " 1 have 
lita moatiuiU'l a (trikln? oipuripape of a trmalo mouibet of my own 
family." i" Pinij-ping.") " I «hall be very little lonjer, Mr. PM»i- 
dwt. Without Luvint the prft«nmption to Bupo'JJo that the few and 
feeble"— f.Vo.iw,"'«n'(nn..(A.T/«>jr><W'')—"IrppBit, the few 
And fMbU wmda I have tittered to>nieht will hare had the ellcct of 

{roving Ohoila abmluU.'!)' uu to the hilt— I d- vecturo to thiuk that 
have »uoo«ded in nottiui; Sjieotres up beforii yon t(>-ni«hl ai wild 
facta, dewrvinc of onr earneat, oar reverent, and phil'rauphipal 
attention and aopport. I do preeume b> belipve"— 0'P"'np-pi«?- 
ptnj.'")— "Ihavejait done, sir— that the Hon. Member who is 
down to follow mo to-ni(tht will Uud it lesi ea*y than hn mi>Kiae> to 
domoliBh, discredit, and pxplodo u thinn «i> rii>t<d and intertwined 
with otir mnift oheriiliod pn-j uiifu* and tra^ltllnni a« what, to use the 
tcrmiof my motion, ii "vulgarly known W aUhott.'" {EiUhutimiir 
applaute.) 

Pluklei Dvtf, who had nndortaken to opniie, got np With an 
offnniivo asBumption </i lirinninit the dUeat»ioa down to a ni»tt«r-of • 
fanl inrol. Ddff i* a Kood fnlluw. b'lt he doesn't seem to know 
whnn ho U utterly out of tonah with the ^neml sympithy uf the 
meetinfT- 

■' The Hon. Oentloman," beRan Dirrr {with Ihe hejiry haraonr he 
omplo;')! at time*), "aaya.hedoean't beliera Iihall flndit ea>y to rx- 
plode one of hi« gnosta." (/( wat to likt DOFP loftftrn on a rerhut 
txprettion of Ihal lorl—bui lei- ntrir mntiiler this fair argumenfi. 
" No more do I. Ixrl hito brinj me a ithost. and then, it the thinj 
will obiiite me bj rrmnintna; long cnouKb ^) Rive me time ti> strike a 
li^ht, I don't mind atlfmptinff— for the Hon. Orntlem^n'" satisfac- 
tion— to iirnite the »a». of whioh 1 >hou!d aipeot to find it largely 





«iIoh rubbish." {Hrr' a thtra rap louiyli-d from the middle cflh« 
tabU.jutl in front i,f kim, and tho Prisident called " Order," with a 
iliffhlfrtnen.) "We've been told to-night of ghosts that moaned, 
and warned, and beat drumit, and throw fnrniture about, and other 
Bymnartini of the kind— but what / want .to know i»— what do they 
Joit withr' What ts a fcho^t, after all, aooordin^ to theevidenuoy 
A eii'uy. oobwcbby affair, like an old veil. People tell us the^ have 
looked throinh thnra. and noliofd ni> internal appwatns. notMnx of 
what ynu may eall ' work* ' of an^ sort or deeoription. Very well- 
but yon oan't make even iui!!i a simplo observation as ' ifood eveu- 
inj['— to ««y nothing of utterine a lou)t and oomplioated warning — 
you oan't »■> much as groan, without a oomplute Bet of vooal oorda, 
m fair work injc order. Yon can't btiat a (Jrum, or bituh ohair» sit 
people'^ head*, without mnsolei. V Rap- rap-rap ! on the tabit 
again.) "ImnU M.illy ask Honirarable Garffojlos in my immi-diatB 
neighbourhood not t'j play thi: foul." \S"italiiin, and warn ditclainiers 
from lerrrat ifembfri, lehii, I may htrt t'alt, warn quite incapable of 
tuehan of (ion.) "If you want to go anywhere, and uneanybmly, you 
muit exeroiae som« sort of volition, and, to ex'<rfli>e volition, a brain 
(I don't »«y a powerful brain. heaaa«e I nover heard of any gU^st 
who gave any sijrn of liven average m«Dtal pow«r;, bnt tome brain in 
inJiipensahle. ll'iw do yoa set >ll that in a few feet of Him Y 
No, no, O^ntlcmen— it won't do. We o«n't have Mr. Cocitiiri.i, 
ooming hii gho«i« ower uni. Then h« tells os a loni- rlgmarolft— I do 
not nue the term in an offcnsiva eenio, but it miu long, and it inu a 
rig-marole— bn tells a long rigraarote about what an aunt o( Itia by 

marriairn i>nnn saw, or bolii'ved nho »»wl Osntlemen, ho ahoilla 
have brouBht her down hero" — \f"'ir ttry load rapt — at tehieh rwi 

t!jrf ilarieil)—" tn toll ne her adroitnre in pertoQ, and theawe 
loold know what to think." 



Hfreth«r« wii quite a scene : Cockiiuu. iqirangnp, ciuivering with 
emotion. 

■' I appMl to you, Mr. Pre*id«it," he aaid, "wbethw I am to b« 
«nbjeoted li theie unieemly taunto I It ia extremely painful to nu 
to explain that the reason why [ unuuU* to briitKmrnlmttrah«n 
to-night, is, that," {hen hit roiet ftrot*)— " «h»— aha is no nOK. 
She was my great- great-annt, and expired in the Utter part of last 
centnry." 

A murmnr of sympathy with him, and marlud dtimilOVKl ol 
DtJFF, after whinh Pihi:iim:t said : "Order, pleaao, Mr. nVKUT 
Djirr, I think it is not advisable to drag any membei^a tUOMatd 
relatives int'i this debate—tbey are toaroelv relevaal" 

At this, Faddell rose, with a copy of theRnlaa: " I un Tory 
reluotant to ohaUrDge your ruling, my Ind— I mean, fin— bnt may I 
draw your attention to Rule J3, sub-ieotion (ft) :— " A rtmark it 
r4lepanl, if it refert to a tlattmml hy a prtrimit tptaktr, trhtf-k tkt 
PretidenC hai nut at Ike lime dec'.ared lobe iltttf imUrant.' I aub- 
mlt, Sir, with all reipeot. that, as you did not rnl* the Prmiowr's 
Annt out at the time, Ur. Dorp was perfeoUy in order in rcierring 
to her." 

[Onlfry, and " Shut up .' " from one mueh neiled Oaryoyle. 

"Well," said Pixcx^'KT, ooldly (aonaiderinic i>'ir>uu.i. a noiMutoe 
— whioh, to be oandid. he oonasionally is), " Go on. Mr, Doff." 

\_Hert a ptrfert thii'cfr of anjry rajit practfdid /rirm (A« table, 
iKtatlla uptetlins tonus of lie ink, and tptritt-aitd-faltr : 
terrraf memhart drew baek tKiir rKairt and looJted paU tmd un- 
eomfortahlt. 

" 1—1 will just uy something on the aoettloil ol thoete' elotlMa." 
said Dorr (on'' retottadiag hang /auermww Ma tiAtt,t^ft*r wAM 
iM aU gtanrjtd at one another, Difcmuip^), "bnt — bnt aft«r thlit 
oxpre«ion of opinion. I— I will tit down. . . lahooM like. b*(i>re_I 
i.0 to, to assure the Hon. Proposer of ra^ deep Bympatliy with him ID 
a bereavement to whinh. had I known it earlier, I theiiLd not haye 
permitted myself an allnsion." i," Hear ! /tear ."') 

Aft^r this, we sat for some time in nwod silcnoe: Little BoaHn 
was the &r*t man with presence of mind eooujrh to look under 
the table, bat ho reported that he saw nothine but the ordinary 
number of members' le?4. We were all procfiing to aatiafy our- 
selves of this personally, when we were brought up njjain by » fresh 
phenomenon— a tremendous blow, at the door this time. Poor 
BoaaEH, who sat with his bank within a couple of feet or so from tho 
door, grew alm'ist hysterioal, and I am not ashamed to admit that, 
none of us liked to go and open it; we knew that tho outer door 
wu aecurely fastened, and that it was, humanly speaking, im- 
possible for wny living preature to be in the nnte-ehsmber at that 
E articular mument. n.iRTtrrp auggested that Dfff sbonld go— but 
iDFF retortad that ho was not expeoting any auutjust then, so the 
matter dropped, and Ortser rose a little latj;r in evident emotion. 

"Gentlemen," said OifTSini, "vre have had a wamtM to-nigU 
against being led away by the pride of intellect. U — if tliere be 
really among ns this evening, some invisible speotatfir from aoroat 
the Thresh olii— do not h?t us afford it— her — the indiR-nity and Ihe 
pain of being present while her very eiistenee is being eipoMd to 
ignorant and irreverent soeptioiara, such as" {with a rtproaehfui 
look at DcFF, icho wat wiping hit firrehtad] " we hare heard to 
reoently. I>o not let us tempt, by a further pnradn of iaaredulity 
soma manifeitation, whieh the nervos of some of ii«" Iwith a gUmet 
at Bo^HKK, tpho ipnf obrpioHily miieh up'eti " might find too grsat a 
strain fur the tntellcot to bear. I pwipow, Sir, that wo pnoeod to a 
vote at once, without further diBouseion. 

i' Loud applaute, led in a ghattty manner Ijf Ii* door. 
proceed to a division, with the result that S(l««n 
voted for the motion, and none against it. I>crrF declined to give a 
vitte one way or the other, having ascertained from the Secretary 
that nothing in the Knles oompelled him to support his speech by the 
bullot. 

Then we broke up in a subdued manner, and our awe tnu In- 
tcnsilied, if anything, by discovering that the door of the ule- 
ehamber was looked as usnal, and that no one was aeoretod in asy 
part of the passage^ A strange circnmstanoe, whioh Boaau, for 
siirae reason, did not teem to uoutider as having anv direct connec- 
tion with the other mauifeslations, was that a long, and t«tt 
handsome ebony stick of mine, with a large round spplo of agate at 
the top. was, to the best of my belief, certainly not in the pUo 
where I can almost swear to have deposited it on entering '. Bmkb 
advised me not (<) mention this, at, owiny to my being_ tinaU* tO 
speak quite pi)siliv'>1y on the point, eritao* IDWtt consider it tlM 
weakest part of the oase. It ammei ne nowtotidnklMWntllBlf 
and phUoBOphioally Bositsn oonld talk— a/'"' t*,""* «!(<)«*•. Be 
wai anything but calm and philosophical at tho time t 

Abr there two Baddeley Cakea ? On Twelfth Night, last Friday, 
both Dmry Lane and Covitnt Oardon ant " the Baddeley Cake." and 
Moh Baddeley Cake was w* loomed by a Moodlr MMoably. No apccttl 
ooitamea urtm worn, and no one wai Badddey drcsMd. 



.i^ XOriCS—Xejeste^ CMoaiaaKaUoiit Or CuniribnEioDS, wJielhoc MS-, Frinted Kattsr. Drawiags. or Pictoiee ef any <U«ilptiea, wUl 
IB « MA> *« roiaraed. not ovta wbta aeeoBsputivd by a BUmped aa4 U4i*tMA l£nwlft?e. Coror, er Wrappsof. Te this nu« , 




JA.HD4KT 21. 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



35 




I 



THE LETTER.BAQ OF TOBY, M.P. 
Fson Uaci-K FuxiiLECQuux. 

Zyndhurtl, Bunli, Saturthitf. 




KAB Tosr, 

HAnaiBO with Kroomi 
and poTters on one nf the 
muiy bridge* at Clnphnm 
JunotioQ, ftad haviDtc a 
faw miuut^s to tiiare, 1 
a(<L'i.'i)t«d the mute invita- 
tioii to try my weijlit ei- 
t«ndcd by ciDU of tht- 
ttutumutiu mauliiurH whiuti 
iIiH'k, nut t<j Bsy dumiuale. 
our r.xilwiiy statiTjUB. lu 
TJcv of Bume suob oppor- 
tunity, I h»d in mv vtaiit- 
«o>t pook«t n Uoden disc. 
in size and weight aome- 
what nsewblinp a penny. 
T confeas it was in my 
mind ti> itrop this into the 
roorptoclr. Bat it wai a 
bnir hour of the day. the 
ftation wai crowded, I 
miffht huTe been observed 
and the action miscnn- 
•tnud. Aitootrdinilr I isierted a coin of (ho realm of tbo proper 
dtilcnatiaa, and, uriair tried my wuight, f itond it icuilty of beisK 
BMnr ciitht«cD BtuDH than it thould hare chmq. 

Whioh UiiD)[, dtar Toai, your k«t)Q iut«ll«ot will have ditoemed 
u aa BUcKory. What I |)iuture to mr fojiuy as haviue bv*n done at 
CU[)tiUD JucctioD. I do duly with hugu aud natural natiofaotiun. 
Tbo Aatumatio Try-your-WtiithUr. U uno may bo iiamu it, is Public 
OpinioD. ami 1 hubb no ojipottimity of ratnaurinif myBi'li by that 
■taadard. Tlie uvaupatioa u the mure inviting bwauBc, bi i have 
hintad, tka r«*tilU arc invariably utiafactory. Liko Ktuxi.fK, u 
dtaoribtd ia Uw Anti-Ja(obin, " With rnpect to the oxteut ot mv 
fv"!****. I oontidcr myieU in man^ reipenU n Unite being." Still, 
M I ait utd oartat my I'hin and smile loftly to my stif, I come to the 
QODetanoa, I tt«*t oot egreaiiJQilj. thnt thero are few men in 
lagUad, not Mettlrtuty thi^ Grand Old One, who poauu ia I'nller 
■Mint* ttMMlUtUMtM approbation of their fellow Ditizeni. It J* 
tnu Uut thitn wa p«rMiu la the Home of Commona that ibiame 
iadiffenaMto my exoelleat point*, and even achieve th» Mmblauce 
of uniued oontMapt for my performaBcei. Alio the Tim(i news- 
p*p«raa veeall the joomitl, to di«tiiiruiBh it from the Timti Four- 
Monad Houm, tha Timet ilathinK-Uiohine, or the 2'irnca Ready 
BaoboMr,— the Timtt uewRpaper, I lay, misse* no opixfrtuuily of 
goadis|r nw. Bat tha reasona fur this arc obvioua. In tbs Boubu 
at OflWIdOIH it i* «ith(tr envy ur upiirchcneiun that uiinilB mo. Id 
the Tiittf aewipapvr it ii dituptwintmant. You will know that at 
on» time I wa* habitunlud to t-nlivon ita pondi'rom column* with 
diiquiiitinns bavinif IrgiJ bearing npon the oviota of Ibo day. 1 
havi! at'iltduaed that habit, and thn Timet nnwipaper, a&Kry and 
dUnppdintcd, taki-i inch riivi'ngc as ia open to tin capaaitf. 

But plao* mo on ibn platform, face to faon with my oouDtrTmen ia 
tfaooMUWl* anciBbled. I* there anyooe rtceived with mora ontbii- 
rium? I* tkn* utjrane with lighter touch, with defter ftmoe, or, 
whan need be, vith neayier stroke f For auoh an honr'a tritimpn u 

I TOI, XCtT. ■ 



from time to tims fall* to my lot when opcupvinff the public plat- 
f<>rm, J onunt labour as nought. Many is tno noni. pauiDfc ths 
glade* of tha New Fore>t, that I have wreitled with Mijditation in 
oaett of impromptu*. Ton who have heard mo will bear witoiai 
that there i* no imaok of the Kew Forest in th<?ir delivery. iSooo 
amoiig the oQvii'US talk of a little i"inder<'sity in leading up to tha 
llisb of wit, a trills too much humming and hawing, a too ddtvou* 
rccearuh in my ouat-tail pocket. But there are no boiuid* to tba 
misreprwentationa of euvy. You know that my jokn, mj qni^ 
and urunks, auem to ha born OQ the very platform irtUN I llud in 
face of men. 

And how they live and apread till tliey beooma lunueliald word* I 
It aomotime* happen! that I am a humori>t in ipite of myatlf. I 
mpptMio even the Timef newspaper will admit that thote ia no plirasa 
ot rcoent yearn that ha* heonmn ao famOior a port of ths KugUah- 
tpokeoi lanjrOBXe aa the " Grand Old Han." Who gave birth to tbi* 
empyrean ^a»h of oharact^riaation f It wa* I— moi qui parte, it 
waa at Derby, now »omo y*ar* ago, that, addrca*ing my oonitituonta, 
I fla«hvd forth this imprompto. It wa« 'inite true 1 did not at tha 
moment mean it iiuite a* it wa« taken. Olaixtomc waa at the tima 
emer^injt from a cloud. I law it olearly enough, though I oonfeti I 
made a miatake in the summer of li^74, when I delight<id the Con- 
Bervattvea by tuming and i«ndii)K my former leader. I really 
thought at tlie lime be was done for. He had but a year btfore 
taken me frnm below tbu Uani-war- knighted me, and made me 
SuUuitur- Gansral. But it I'Joked at thu mument as if hia ptiwer of 
oonferrinit btncHta Waa vihauitcd. So I took him by the eoUar and 
ignomiuiouBly >houk him, whilst the .ConicrTativn ahriek«d with 
iauithtcr and applauw. 

But it wai (uiterent ia 1HT9, Ilii time hod oomg again, and, ai 
you know, oven in tamporary rewrsta 1 have never eommittcd again 
thn miitakn of that July night in 1><T'1. It waa with tear* in my 
eye* and emotion miftening my (trident voice that to ror constituenta 
in Derby, I pointed with patron iitiDfr pitiful floxer t« tne Grand Old 
Man. For ui« moment I felt like Mr. PuvthUcKook Mntamplating 
Pip in hi* hour ot misfortune, " This ia Mm as I have rode in my 
shay-eait. This ia him as I have seen broutcht up hy hand. This la 
bim to whom I have been eartiot bctiefaator and the founder of hi* 
fottuu'd — Thr QaiSD Olb Mam 1 " The pLra«o wo* cot taken ijuite 
in the Bcnao I meant. It waa tuntod and twiil^-d by uiisymputtietia 
Tories, and instead of a tribute of nfleution. beoime u term of utriaion. 
But with tho l.iherala it ia to-day an cpitbit of linccrc aud warm 
alleotion. Tbu* goniua, if I may sajr so. coioa in a moment cf in- 
smration a phrase that auita tha uaaifold viatn and Deeds oiiko of 
tlt« Moaie* and thi> Claasea. Kanr mind witll what intent I invented 
the phrase. "The Oiaad Old Uan." wOl Lut a* Ioob a* the Engli*h 
lamtaate. 

These thioit* do not indnoe in me any feeling of telf-elatioo. 
Bather I am depressed with apurehension for my Party ud nr 
country when the time ounioH U> lose the benefit of myoonnMl and 
adf ioe. I read the other day sume remarks on the inilwta HmtsB(| 
delivered ut t^a Boval laslitution hy my friend Sir W«P"T Bau, 
The subjuot is one tiiut ouriooily ultrikcla me, being a* T thjnk, juit 
suiluble to my range of thought iind my style ot uratory, Siya my 
friend Blix: " Were the Bun with his whole iystem to be suifdcnly 
annihilated, an observer on a star in the distant rr.alms of spsca 
would only notice that n tiny star had oeasod to twinkle.'' Hr. 
Si'Micni,— I mean Tour, Sir; that may ha all very woll for Iho 
Bclar System. B»t when I drop ontof politioallifol tcarthoiDwillbe 
ooD*ti<rnation in Ainturiu«, afriou»ne»s will (ettlc down on Sirio*, 
and B«telgvuz», hrijhtfl»t, jiiwfi in th'i )n it of n(ii-.n. will momentarily 
pale. Yours iailhfuiiy, W. V. II-kc-ui. 



THE CAREFUL JiUKOLAR. 



WnRK the Winter nighti clo«e in, 
And the pleasant fogs begin ; 
When the moon's intrusive light 
I* ohHCured from mortal sight ; 
He who burbles hy sonnd rules. 
Then should furbish up hi* toou. 

Aa the surgeon whets bii knif«. 
For preserving human life ; 
As the Bporlsman (tiIb his gun, 
With tbu season's earliest BUn ; 
So thn burglar, cool and keen, 
Set* hi a instrumcntB ore eluau. 

Wipe the jenisy. aft 'tis said 
Harder tun a policiimau's bead ; 
See lliat no {»rToding grit 
Harms tha wily centi«-bit; 



That no rust appear* upon 
Dainty keys, <«llul akciclon. 

Although bidden by tha mist. 
Wo aball n<»d th* aboet of 

list: 
And OOF nodttty nay ask 
Coy oaikMalaMiit ban the mask ; 
BiUIVaya luteru we. of eaar*«, 
Carry, like our fritndi the 
" Forw." 

There's lh« small revolver, still 
Careful burglars do uot kill ; 
Conscientious men like me 
Operate in scortey. 
Born* IMiMtora do the aamo. 
And wa bldsb to find it fame. 



U«TTO A« a BcLB or QctmurK roK itnxoioitT,ki( Boibd 07 
WoBM* OfFjciALB.— " ' Order* ' i» Hea«B'a first Xjmi," 




26 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Januart 31, 1£8& 



IN THE DAYS OF KING FOG. 




i5.>vtV-^ 



Januair d— 18, 1888. 

Kmo For he u«m, and bo ilil; tapped his noH, ud he Hid nnto 

himMlf , Hid htt. 
With Um ottnipieat of chnrtU*, "<) jrou mitenble mortalf, 'with 
yvar tt&Uats I 'm about to baTe a tprce. 



The hoTTOrfl ordinary of anormat JaDoarr,! shall do m^btat tOTirr 

in a itrl* 
That your beit adepts at joking, midit their coaRbinK and Ihttr 

cliokicg, Eliail admit is scarce pruvokinK of a tmite." 
Then he up», the sHutj- kintt. witL an lodia-nibber vs/nug, and a 

foghorn he applies to his mouth, 
Aa a friendly sort of cuinmoDB to a if«t of oroDtei — ram 'lUU,-— wbo 

came Irom East imd West and North and Suuth. 
The; were habitt^d ai demons, aome had ikios th« hue ol lemoma, 

vhikt others were at swarthf as tbeir king ; 
And each drab or din)^ devil seemed an Aratai ol erll, and np to 

every kind cit horrid tiling. 
A bouqaet ot fout faavn. tucth as Ilritons who are aHea from their 

ohimneyt and their ebenii'.'alt let tly. 
Their fellows tu atphyxiat*— such idiotic trioka 1 hate— and inter- 
cept their tun and hide their tky. 
Could aoarccly bo more nasty, and tliolr faoee, swart or parfjr, bore a 

fnnnv sort of horrid hcotio frlnw, 
As for mischief all a^o?, each one winked at old Kisk Fof, n who 

should say, " All rigbt, old boy, I kaow." 



i 



»■ 



u 



Jaxdabt 31, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



S7 



Than Kine Fotr nt onne dMcnndod with the ilomon who 

atUnded his intjilcrnbU Court, upnii Ih* Town ; 
And Ihe day at onpo gri'w dimmer, iLDd the nun ceued 

e'en to ibimmer, and the jtu-Jet* seemed to glimmer 

and die down- 
All tiaU Ruve blft<ik vurv \>asii»)ied, and the very 

roBdw«y» vrniished, you (wultln't »ce thu lamps nor 

«'m thfeir po*t« ; 
Kmded hooM. ud town, and itetple, ud, u for the 

poor people, they prowled about like damp and 

ditmal tbnilii : 
The aborM of Styi wore bland mafahed with neot 

Smet at the Strand ; jon couldn't lee yoor hand 

MKrerowfaoe; 
Tour iMJ|[)><>oor in the dark noemed aRfvijam oraSnaik, 

who, fi^ feet oft, wai »on(i, mid If ft no trace. 
A lonl ana fiztid pall full ovnr each and all: its 

inmdicnt* m^re mint, and muulc, and emoke, 
Anii "einDko" ineliidr*. of oouree. etuffi from every 

filthy imirDr, that can irritate, and blind, and vl^ig 

and chokn. 
Fee tlui Kt>E-KinK, fiend lardonio, eummuned aoid gna, 

oarbonig, ileo enlithnroiu, from ohimney* and from 

itilli. 
FUyiBK oanen demonia«at. with Tapoun ammonitcal, 

and addinjttu the sum of human ilU 
la etwr eort of wuy. He aboliahod niaht and day, yon 

Miud only t>^ll ihu diSerenoa from Ihn clonka, 
H« '* retarded ru'liution," a malijfn abominiition, and he 

fillfd tho publiti ways with " iialy hincks." 
B» naddW all the trstlin, and the hard who'd pen a 

aapphio, and the painter iwell preparinir for next 

Mar. 
Wer» driven w.-ll-niuh mni, for no liifht was to be had 

«aVR thn Riu-l atoll's dim and uniii»[iirmi; rsy. 
HeuMrca.ud Monfjpoly, whidi, to thapour, if nottherioh, 

ia a pPstiUint unpardr>CLahle mime : 
Vat be mode the itas-rHtu riae. and he fot in people'e 

eyre, and he coyensi evarythinit with greaiy grrime. 
He madn all enttAax* danxere ; coty ottimni felt itran- 

K*n to Uwir offloee and Mn&it mbiirbin rillai : 
Cabbf wialwd he mlsht ha blowcd if he miiti find the 

KWd, and ooUided with the tett«r-pi)e<i and piUare. 
Ho demuided tt-n-and-iix. a fare too it If! for atyx, for 

erawlint from the Bank t^) Brirtoa-hill, 
And he r>t ezoenlinr drunk, put hi* fare in a bloe fnnk, 

and finiahed with a pimprehenBive "pill. 
Tbeo EinR Foi; ho vhucklud Idv. fi>r all trame were late 

•Ad iW, fuK-iignali kept on liinfuit dayandaiifht. 
There were erowdj on every pi«tfi>rin, and the purttfre 

wsrn in Ihnt Surta that's produoed by plafulnKquea- 

tiona loft and riirht. 
The torL^hta and thn Hnki mitije ftVimioahle etink*. and 

the tort'hiirpn — 1 mimn lh» howlmi" hoye, 
Who atretohed their luatlier throats and dropped pitch 

npon yonr ooate.— lent precious little help, though 

Iota of noiie. 
FoK 1^ to r>we and rauketo, and he hindered the mail- 

nkets, and he brought the riTer-tratiip to a stop, 
rethemob to drinkins. and the "piihlios" filled 
likowinkinp.foroneivnildn'tsee another aorlof jihop. 
Tfce theatres were void, which the Managers annoyed, to 

the Law Courts clients oonldn't find their way. 
Aad the children as a rule couldn't gmptj tbeir way to 
iohool, and they lost themselves when going out to 

Boifa nuMhiot* were not smiU, bnt. oh dear. (haC waan't 
aB| for tho doath-ratfl wan most dirtmuUy iaorMMd. 

UBg Fog's a foe to life. Sadden suiuide* were rite. 
uid Btthmatio ngo'e gaepinga grew— and oeased. 

Hub King Foir laughed long and loud, and hia 

oonrtien, a btaek erowd, gathered ronnd th«tr misty 

Honarch. and he oricd : 
" my henchmen I this u grand ; onT strong hand ia 

OB tlie land, and we ruw this foolith ODontry far 

and wide ; 
Otre Scitnoe my deflanco! thero ia not the least ruli- 

«aoe on onr pkn or one applianoe the RiKgtats. 
Sowke-prcvpntion ? Th:it'*herjoke,(o4rher*oh«masallend 

in efflolcn. oi this sooty five<dBy*' Carnival atl«it!i. 
Her pretensions we can siinekh, wliiiit the aiiimncy* 

fomo and beloh, and the Town's a blend of I'hlogt- 

thonaodbog, 
All W prstiage are hut vain, and again and yot agun 

|va Aall hall the rathkas raigo of King Fog! " 





THE GRAND OLD NAME OF QENTLEMAN. " 



"Rta riRiHix, Misrvn. butweat PARrrcxtta £ji»d Hir.ifrTEii ■hpalli!!' 

THIR 'aRK LITTLI DsWIl O' 10URK > \<tU 'lK. ASCtTSB MK * HARXKIS', (iUV'tlSa ; 

B<TT Hi amt AXOTanii GtiiiLtit.i.i 'naa 'am jitsf bkix 'avik a small Bn 

AJIODT IT I" [DtajaM (/ Uoalinorcniy IM }'tTt Stiableg, aho hat aitMy$ 4f«ribtd 

himeelf lu a a<ntlmuin. 



PUTTrNG IT OFr. 

J St<»y iir Stomr>w»si. /rem (At " TOna" ^liBB. 

It IB nraoh to be feared that afFiira in the Xorth have at length arrived at 

a serious orisis. News comes from I.nwis that loit night the two milliaos, who 
owing to the refasal of the crofters to omigrat'?. have in a oentnry increased the 
population of the Island t'l that formidable lignre, and, who by the undedned 
ensroachinenti of the landod proprietors, havo for the last hve-and-twontf 
yoara. been drajrping out la uncomfortahU f.xi»t<inoo on the rocks nnd bstblng- 
machincs that fringe the soa-shore, U> whinh thi<y have been iiuietly r<-logated 
by the slow prooass of a complioatod leitislation, rose ae one man, and breaking 
thrnngh the granite barriers, wbioh everywhere surround the ouatit. oommenoed 
a raid on the hurds of wild hippopotami to the pri-servHtion of which, at 
the cont of the exdiioion of the inhabitants, it is well-kuuwn that the soil 
of the inland is entirely given up. 

The Summer lettioKi of thi;< rarioas runs to CaSro Millt'inuaircs, who now 
oome over annually for the elpol no -a hooting, bring a Iiiiidoome sum into the 
pooketa of the absentee propriuti)n, nnd the ULaaders who look on while tho land, 
to the cultivation of which they count en for their sup^rl, is rullilonaly wrcnohcd 
from thsm, and haudad over for the purposcof allordmg a few muuthn sport and 
duleatatiim to the wealthy reiiiutuntatirta of civilised Niggcrdom, have natu- 
rally reotnt^xi the invaiiun. and determined to roiist it. TKo aitiiation ii not 
now. About a hundred vea" ago ailsir*. thongh on a far smallor scale, had got 
rannh into the same condition. Then, ai now, tho Governmoat of the day had 
let things drift on, without heeding which way tho current was setting, and had 
waited till matters had come to a pretty psas, only intervening at the eleventh 
hour, whnn they had arrived at a orisis and were almost nasi remedy. And snob 
has bi.'eu the itory »ver »ia««, and now the new* oonei that every Bippopotarana 
through th9 whol* length and breadth al Uw island ha« been drimi erar the 
uortheru headland* into the sea, attd that a wild popnlation of two mOlionB are 
at this moment daiioing a frantie Highland fling around the smoulderinir embers 
of seven proprietorial mansions, in which it is mmonred that as many CnSte Uil- 
liuunuires, U> wUoh tboT appeal to hare been rablet. hare been nnfortnnately 
ruastod alive. 
!n the face of this iuteUigenoe tho Gorenuneat hav* tww. tWi%<A. 'm \*a* 



86 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Jaitwht 21, 1888. 



•omo lUipi; and it i* rcp^rUi! thit matnioUinu wen dupktolwd 
yeitfTdif I» I.ivorp->3l to II.M.B. 'V.'u.^^iiri/to hold htmilf in rauii- 
DDis to »t«rt with cvpl Marinen; und a dmmmar Ua StonunnT *t 
■ momtnt'R notice. Hckotiiiw jt ii Mid Uitt ttia Praoantor- 
FiMkl, tb* Prliuip^ SlMTifl, «nd a oonplc of FoliM-offleen in 
dugniM, h>Ta BUiissd to m«et in Reorat on Uw pi«r, bat do not 
mMf know wlwt to do nnt in the pecnli&r and thrakUninic 
dtowBuUaow in wbfali tli«r find tbenuelvM pkoed. 

Uw gtfiatal OpislML tpptcn to be, th&t the wfaola qaettlan'of the 
potftion of tha CHftsrs uA tb«Ir ^er&nooo ounht to h«ve been 
thoroothlf fons Into sad Blft«d nore ihui a cuolurv linM. Bat the 
polioy of that tbno vu to let thinp drift uid drift, and gndaAll^ 
get MTond eoutnl : nod Appftrontlf >nooe«iTe Oortramenti have 
■eeo no nmoa to depart from it auwa. Uenee the rwolt that ia 
eeeo to-dar In BonuthuiK little ahiirt of t KcTolotJonarr Movement 
in the Xiitth. And it ia verr donbtf ol ertn now, if the Ooreniment 
will know buw cdeotiTDly to deal with it. 



VOCES POPULI. 

AT THP. PAKTOyiME. 

Ik tis Still*. 

Fir»t Patar/umPia* [to &c«ni dillo, apiJogrtie^), Oh, I don't 

iuppoee I nt toot in a theatre OOM in two jMriL la agMicnl war. 

I ehoaldn't be here note, if it hadn't bean that — -tmt luought ytw 

neTcr went at atl t 

Sarntui P. Hot to regnlar thuatrea— no ; I eeiuider their io- 
fioeoee— ell — pernidum in many; waft. 1 thiol: it'« almoat a datr 
not to enmwta(e luch entcrlaiiimciita u^woli, barlMqun, and 
tnatio-halle, and ballets, and to an. But thire'a no harm in a 
Pantomime. 

tXrii p. So, of oooTM not. So / nj. Oot np to ploete the 
ahildrMi. 
SMumd P. That '» a]L Your f amny here f 
Kr§l P. (n litilt eoi^iutd). W«ll-no; faotis, I waajnat puuns 
the doon, and — and 1 'd nothing . partionlar to do thia afternoon, 

and w— and ao Where are your ohleks, eh t 

Strand P. (itilX tam* tmharratimtnf). Sr— at home. I thonght, 
befi^r^ bringing 'eto, I'd better leu for rariclt whether tWe waa 
an^thinK unfit (or ctiildren to see, r'know, and, being in the neigb- 

bourhooo, why IThey quiU undtnt-indont anothtr, 

Tht Panlrnitimt proettdt. Jiarh Pattrfamiiiat potUirrly crie* vith 
iaufiUr ai the comic parlM, and tnt» r»tiurla ap'^l'igilieatly to 
tie otAer, " n'til, '^fi'y. >' '* ""^A r-idicMloHa ruhbiih, you ean't 
klip imiiinf at ix!" Th* looitdrr/ul fnmjmi^ «rJ prvtt*»i'-u 
ofOit iMdut of th* BalUt rwuM thtm to tnthuiiatm, and lAny 
IhorougUjf appndaU th» popular loitgt and j*$U inlroditi^d hu 
lAe prvnapal ptrformtr*. A» U*y Imp*, (A<y *ay, " A/ter ali, 
I tappou you ovgkC to ht ytvng U> really rtyoy thU tori of 
thiitg.'" 

Ix TBB BoxRa. 
VniophiilieaUd Smalt Child [in much coneern). Hotiier, ia the 
Donkey rially anKTjr with tho Qiucn 'f 
Xinal^ VneU (to prim liltlr itiefv). Well, An,i, rnjjying it, eh f 
Ada. A« maon ai 1 ever ifo onjnjr a Taiitainitng now— Unolo, 
thank Ton. 

UittU {rtUhtr eniihed). Hal and A MCE, what'e yoor opinion of 
tbefairiea, nowP 

Alick. I don't quit* »a what uA they ■!«— bnt tboy dnn't danoe 
badly. How miteh do yon BonpoaB they get a wevk for it, Cnole F 

[ 7m Unole rttotm to go aUmt nort y«itr. 
Ix THY Drku Ciscle. 

Ol'l-fiishi/innJ Pirton {ailoiindiJ al garition of hiffklv iateUiftnt 
Small Soy). " FFiy doM the Cat t«ll him to bathoV " Why, do yon 
mean to *ay yon don't know the atflry of ■■ Pan in Himta V " 

Tht Small Boy. No. It't no nacawotting upthat aort of thing— 
they never aet it In Sxami. yon know I 
Is rsB Prr. 

Thf Pltaied Piuiit, Look &t them wlndmllla-^ll going tonnd. 
yon Me, however they oan do it all beat* ma t 

TAn AUrt PitUtt (on tha took out for topieat atlation*). See the 
old mui trying to gut on the donkey i Tnat '* a akit on ScvruM 
Bill, that ia I 

A CkanuifT <m thu SUu*. "No. Wewon'tfleht, we'll ahowonr- 
■elvee at tlie Aouarinm— tnat pays better than fyktin^ .' " 

TJu A. P. (on tit look out, ^e.) Haw-haw! did r'ear thatf 
Uere'eatakoorfon WHtnure, eh? 

Tht PUaitd PitcUe. Thtire 'a Mviury. now 1 Oanze, joaiee>'ao! 
■ow beautHolt Ua! [moekt Aw lipt\ pretty, Icn't itf And the 
drewaa—^h, dear, dear, the dreaare are lovely—they reelly ore .' 

IITk Imi-mIi out into t\fte ijaeulatiimt Ihroughoul the tcho'e pi*r^. 

Tit Sinpla PilUU {Tiftrring In Mit* Wadman, tio Intro). He 'a 

not much like hi* two brothers, ia ho? She 'a auppoatd to be the 



YooDg^T Brother, that'* what »\* ia, and that** W only frieod, the 
Cat, yt-i, d '/c ino :- nod by-and-by, eha "11 oone to a mmtry over- 
ran with niiDo. TbcyMI dr> aimiat oa the Itwe. 

nU IT./*. Bnt that '« »rW«.'n*te«t,— thU ii Putt m HooU ! 

Tke S. P. Oh, it'* pretty muen tlie same eort o' thing. 

7Ke A. P. Tbat'a good, chf The old King nya the Waiteie 

get what tbe]| cmu" tkere'e a good take-orf I 

Hit Compaitum<,l)rfmnmg to find him abort). Atake-offof wWf 

Tht A. P. Vhr, on Hieie SpaeiaU, o* eontee— yoa aheold luUn .' 

The Ploatod PUtit*. Tbtee are 'Aymtkera eeininjr on now— with 
their rakea an' all, you aee, wood«tBlt Oh, [«*M a •rrjM/' ^ \ 
dtHght) tiie drcMca redly are too \AiMio en. 

Tux HAaLncixang BKonra. 

TKo P. P. LvOt at tbem all walking «n the street, 'ow natnTal 
that i*. now I 

A Ptititf (ditf/icitriiig m euriotit ooinad»nn). Hut ClMBlbt'B got 
a queer name, ain't he? "A. PiLL,"— «ot a bad name for a 
ehemirt, ehi' be uUt pdla. [He nmtHart tliit ai ajokt of Aim otn*. 

Cioicn on tSo Btaff {tiamimng large pitet <ff mmmIj. Vb, I any, 
what'athb? 

The SimpltP. (lobean^). It'a a flapof beef. 
[Clown iim>Am a topieal «Ui*m> tvaiA a butt ^ Sbaxk?UU and 

The A. P. {buitkutt itartity). There 'a antther good take-orf, 
d 'ye lee ! Bacov wa* a greet poet, loo, ycr know I 

A WrU-Itfform*d P. Ko-no, it's abont a diwoaricm they've 
been geilinc up in Itw DUera lately. 

The A. P. litm»j-rn not 'eard of it, bni I oaU it a good ikit 
anyhow. 

[_A tiring of Superg erau tho Haf4, btariitf adtvrtitmtitU of a 

tutefoad (a immaut fcflere— wAeiwqran eur Alert Pittite 

roart ct-'A latightrr, takitqMntty rtplaimnf that ho cott- 

tidtrt it"a'itatth*'T\mn' nttnpaptr." 

The PlfUtd Pittit* [daring a " ratty"). Ain't thm nfetobloi 

natural they 're throwing abont! 1 most aayeverrthiiUi'ibeaatifnllT 

got up 'ere, and the dreeee* reelly ar* \Wordt fail him tu u*uol. 

Ix TBS QAUJEsr. 
(A Ciatnpiot Bicytliii ii pir / ormutf tm Slaga.) 
Fimt " GalUry Soy." Ride* pniper. don't 'eP See tlie aiadala 
they 've 'ong on him I 

aecond ■• a. B." That 'e for the Jnbilee. Qnite a perftetMnMl, >a 
l»--he i* a perfeaMonal. 

[Tho Clown menliani Lord BujnraT— totA OaUery Boyi 
trprtnpolilio.ll ditopprobaliim in tht itiuai manntr. 
I^rti "O. S.'^ But. I Bay, mate, didn't I 'ear yoo greanla' at 
u nsTom j uit now ? 

To toll yer tbe 



S^Mnd "0. S." [imiiffonidfy). Werry likely, 
truth, 1 ain't a wer^ 'igh opinicm c^ tither on 'em 



Iir Tin BoxKi AOAnr. 



ICurtainfaliinf, *ift*r ttninUrruptod porformane* UtUnf 
roiuiitraUy otrrf-iir hoitrt.) 
Stffrat uniophittiratrd ChSdren. What-i* that oUf 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 





Tnn beat book about tho Kton of Kuva'* time, U Mr. Wunx- 
eox'a reimm*cen«ea published by HtmR ann Bucxett. In tone. It 
is thoroaghl; Etonian, and in epuit too. 
Tfae author u oandoor itaeU, or atawat 
itaelf, for a* to aome ef die moat mla- 
eUevona fanlta of the ayiten ke b 

, , diitpreetly rilent. Hla motto la, "Stan, 

.\ ^^B&fliff *'I^ f^l t^T tnlU, I Love thee still/' 
and this eentlmeBt all Ktooiane will 
eoho, " A'j(o Perpttna," ii Ktoa'ao' 
motto, and (tiun^n time ha* wioi 
mms ohanKca, yet on the whole 
■ohuol Kcms to have hrcn mneh 
tame in the rcia^ of KctiK a* it 
under lua fncoeiaor HAwrKKT. and ai, with olhtr moditicstiona, and 
let na hope laprnvementa, itprnbably wiUbatothocndof the ehapttr. 
Per the beovltt (<f non-Kionian rcAdore, Mr. Wiuiwaox*) remuiie- 
oenoes uu«ht tu be *upiilomfntcd with a glooary of Eton phraee- 
ol^y. Ervry large Mhool baa tta own pcoaliar alang, anl what 
oonatitutM the great obarn to ontMdar* of the oonTertatioa which 
ia bound to cnaue when a few old *choolfello««, whether Ktonlana, 
Wykehamiat*. Wcatminstere, or Hanoviaaa, get together,— bnt 
Rtonian* are the beat at it,— ia the oonatast reenrrenoe n wotda and 
aUnsiona whioh requite ample axplaaatioo to be in tho leaat latel- 
ligibie to tha very-moeli-oiit-of-it stranger. By all Btootaas of the 
past and present, and to many non-Btentaw who May be familiar 
with Uie schoal, Mr. ^'ilei!ibo!i's reedable icmfaiBouoes will be 
found aacommoniy entertaining. 



4 

i 



1 


^^i^^ 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 


^PIH^ 




Jawut 31, 1B88,] 


PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 


29 


■ 



THE CHRISTMAS-TREE AT THE HAYMARKET. 

Sm,— Dnmnma ihv verdict on a fint rerirfufnUtinD, I deferred 
nj vi«it utQtMtlliimdar, tiv whioh timu I B&ld to myinlf, i^crf- 
tblDS wiU be in proper vurtia^ i^rd^r, and I ih&U be able to 
fmuMDOe oa tte mmti (if sny] vf Farlntri. 

Whetbtr the pUf be tiUcEii from a foreijrn Dorel or not, and 
Parlnrri u arorcdl}' a dramatiBed voraion of Djnmrr'B novel, 
AmnmI Jnou tt Ruler Aini,at wbidh Uic najurity of EDj{liBh 



t /^ 



'.^J.#P^ 




Hi* Bwe fbr Urn Leilgcr. 

pbnoan kacnr oothiBf, fiis qnaitiim U, is Parlntrt a rood, an in- 
difinolorabadpUr. Mt nplr ia contaiiud in the middle tenn. 
If tha old tHarf, ef tiHixillfiaia«ploddinKronii»flr«ial nan "mindicit 
hit mm bniiiWM," ntd.lMTinjr u* friTotoas ym-oK wi£a an easy prvv 
to tha tMfaiamaliat woanilnliy friand [and in this «a«e partner] 
is Uia knaband, moat be q8«(1 airain an a plot fur a drama, it r«iiuir«B 
■trildaRlr oricUial tnstmtut, tcllinic diuoyue, and powerful aotinK. 
to nake it BttnatiT* to tbe tutilRi. which, from tlia day> ol .still 
WattTt rmt Iktf, tan T.tlLOR's tldmirHtik' drnimLtio Tiniun ut 
CBASUS VB BtBXABD's nuvrlutte Lr (Jcndri ttp to now. hu boii 

ntbcr m laiMt «f Ibfac dislicB made .from Krenoh nccipta, the 
•BUM iMfiunt* bdtiR rencrolly umittod. 

It U in livo Act", which, at ibeoutaot, ennrlniapflpnlarity, F.ver^- 
coawith the cjorption of Mr. ki.ut.ti na tbe Imller {another comic 
batler I no wondar the ono at Twlc'a Theatre bas left bin titiiatinc) 
amTcUatonetima or another; rvon the viilain, I fancied, iiralpndfiil 
tadDBOWhan danplr ajfrcttd by hpin^ found out; and nearly all the 
cliaractari pan U>Mr timo in mihinir in hurricdlj-, nimainin^ a ihort 
tUM, aajing ivithing vortb r«m(initicrin|i:, and ruiibinK hurriedly out 
■ItuiXiUil the; were od]j "doinic their tarns" at UkeHaymaJkut, 




lo FuU Cry. 

and bad to folHl othur (nrammenta elatwhere. A proauainff p«r- 
tewaoe ia Uut of a little ehild in a nicbt-Rown, who ia eriaantlr 
••■orallMiinnD." 

Hm «oaiinaretal dctaila of the Btc«7 are broacht into iindne pro- 
^**f™"i and Ibo darerlj cuntrircd Bocnic rcaliam of thf ConcUnr 
ltopa< imly aar*aa to briofc ant in rtrong relief thi> unreality of the 
iiftinn inil tha Trnahnaa nt the pint. 

What ia intoidad for one of tho moat atriking ritnations ooonra in 
th» Third Aat bttmatUr. Tkmi and Mr. ExmLS— admirable aatha 
wall tiaaM»ad. oonfidsiitial dailc— ia udnly apnn out, or 
to b« M, «vliiir to tti* lailnra of ICr. Tub to " oome op to 
Aa ia Hr. Tbke ao ia tha whole piece to be enmmed up in 
tba pbraM,"a pcu prt^i,''— almo«t.notiinite. Meant to b« itartlutiti 
it bceoaea ('jmmocpluor. and the audience liaten, paiaivuly tntcreatcd 
Ua aD inaiiy il\ravhtra, hoping fur tumethiti^ to ti:ra up. or for 
aaiiHlliliH liiiiiiiiii iliiaii. wliiiili ii iiinlliinii, i imlli ii tho (.'urtoin. 

Mr. BBOOXTOUiiianiiBnciBwbathnbailodciD thcpircf. thingh 
^ liu notiiiny to do kAA it, aad hia, prrhapi pordonabk, r-i*i;E«ra- 
tiooa of iDak»>np and action take him quite out of the ^ctara. I 



3sr 




hara aeldom aedn Mlw Mariok Tsbsi to (TOtar adTantage, tfaotttfa, 

oonsidaring the verr ordinary type of ohaxiutn riia haa to imper- 

■onato, thia ttu'C aarlni; vny much- Why la tha senior partner 

aGermanf— eiawttlwtitirveiMr. Ttn an opportunity of layinf 

"mein luetic child." and calling hia 

wife his "frau," and exhibiting in a 

fccneral way lui aooaaitttannn with 

portion! of an Engltth- German 

oonvcrMtional phraaa-Mc^, I oonld 

not »e« any nuon why Iw AnuU 

not bar* b«nn an RBKltuhmaa. 

Ifotluiig tnms on the leuior partner 

being a foreignei : sotUng ja sained 

by it, and much, I reatwato think, 

i« lont by it, ainoa tha leHoi BartDer 

miitht have bean far nmre ulMtitw 

had a D«iT type <A Bo^Udi aommet- 

oial man been (tivm aa iutoad of 

a eonveclJoQ^ "ohanoter part" 

which, it) a sh'i'ft ipirkling Qe&- 

MiK'^ltEGD entvrtainnicst. v-anld 

be iirijiicrlv called " an iUnatration." 

Perhapa ii hn had a wmt in Icokon 

Otrmao-Engliali, it wonld wliTcn 

tbe piaoa a bit. 

Ucam. BvcnaiTAx-TxEi^a ZTfi'n- 
neh BoriiffUU (what tnnible thw 
mnit havo takan over tlui Bime Q 
ia a oolonrian, ahallow • pated 
arvatnrn, whose «matioQ never leta 
beyond a drirel. and whosa w«^ 
piadon n*ver riise abore an rfiulli- *-V"' '"* "" P*"'- 

tion of temper, in wbicli he ia freqnenlly about lo ctrika aomobady — 
once, the old clerk, who coold hare donbled hia op Uka a ahot; 
nnoe, hU youDK partner, who could iMTe bettod bim with ena band, 
and the other titd behind bin; cme, hia wife, who waa on the 
RTound ; and. ono(k hia aiatar-in-law (Mtsi AcsTntcu dssidedly 
eUvtr), whi! Dould haVo boxed hii ta.'^ and brought bin to hia 
lenaea, — but he norvr carrica oat hi» intimtiun. And »o ts it with 
the viilanoui Iotct, who ii per^etnally btdog foiled at tbe oritioal 
moment. In fact. hnrgfalAt't ineficctnal attcmpti at a strikiDg 
aitnation arc lignificant of the piece, and of the acting,— a jmu 
prf-<— elmo«t not qnil«— a hit. 

Quitting thn Tumtrc, I murmured tlui little lOOK, .addteucd to 
myscif u ynnr Critic ;— 




Gi»d nun, (par" iHi Tan, 
Bent kD«n uid itaitlod brow. 

The pWM dill act mil me. 
It miiy be heller now, 

II ni SucT[A7CA<''> pen, 

Tliat wrol* liii* flre-act play. 



Ifhy didn't aamc one tbra 
AJdreM hia thm, and ny; — 

"Qnod mill, ipire thii Ta as. 
Ilia [ii^ilner and hli/rdii, 

Btdu«« fire acta to three t" 
Too laid to do it new. 



For ray part, (which ia a very amall onn''and not in th« piaoe) I 
ahoold (ti'c thia advice to tho Wofping.Willow-TKK*,— aerily 
" Change Partnera." Yonn liDcenly. 

LiTTLB Jack ik tux Box. 

P. 8.— Thoae to whom La Oratid Duf^fUf is a novelty, Aonld net 
lose this opportunity of kaanac it at the hotalty. To lome of us it 
reTtvos pleuant memorid plaMOiably, and lor tlie youUil'uI majoiily 
it ii a real treat 

Tnn "Magdalen Vagabonds" Theatrical CInb.«f Uaffd^en Orf- 
I --L- Oifiird, ga»e, we aro informed, a auooeaifnl perlMnanee laat 
\\ ■ ilr.^i.Uy in aid of Guv's Hncpital Fond. So goodot tbe Mag- 
ilnI'M yiiiing men ^> miVe Gnyi of themaelTea ia tbe oaate of 
'Jianty. It was nnder the direction of Mr. Royu of Uagdalan, 
and under tho patronage of Princess Cukistux; so it waa qnito 
a Christian act and a Iloy'le entertainment. 




"UP GCAEDS AKD AT 'EM I" 

" In one TecincM," U is stated. 
"thoT havs m banes aad l;m 
mm." 



A XEorun <^d Clnb oard- 
nlayar, aUying at a oonntry* 
booso, sat d«wn to a rabbtr with 
a partner who had played throe 

ttmn bt'fore, and two others who 
COnldn't remember when thoyhad 
pUyod lut, it wu lo Inng ago. 
The imfortiinalr Profcisjr snbsc- 
qUBtty deacribsd the •rantar'a 
aBnaama&t aa "Tbe Wud 
Whi*." 



To UHn-Ubntl miBiM':ta 
diaeatabHih the Wdah Chnnh 
ia eoiuidared oanasrvrntiTalr m 
" a Sprat to caU^ Mt *&*m:^ 



X 



80 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[J4SD4RT 21, 1888. 



■ 




MYSTERIES OF HEREDITY. 

JVubr. "Do TOU KKOW, BoBKKT, If SOHBriMKS OTanu ICI TSAT IM OUT JlKD omitEa^L APFBABJLKOR OCR BOVS IBf KOT QUITE 

so J/dVLr AS I ooDLO wisal I wosoiit irar/ Voo'rb wot as SmtniiATM-UMKiso Fbbson, as fab u 1 c*» jodq« I" 

POitr. " ITx— AT AHT RATB TUU 'rb XOT, nr IiOTl I ■' 



BEAR OU BUG-BEAR? 

Oh, whit ii it (wmM forth from it» fftatnes* in the North, 

With it» hrendt.h and its hulk and it* ficroe if tiggj foTm ? 
Wh«t nhtipe is it thiit rears 'f l» 't a Rj^y's or a Bear's f 
And htraliU it a laugh, or portendeth it a atorm 'f 

Krnm th« ooldDcia and the dark it stands forwurd stem and atirk, 

Fierce as the Feuria Wulf with moist liji and g-apiag miir. 
Oh. is it a!l a sham Y Like lome dmli oiilfjsBal lamh. 

Has it put on a bear's hide but to move a m<}mi<nt'B awe t 

Bear or Bug-boar f Foe or friend ? Partiet wrangle aad contend, 
Divine t'ignrn from the North with the tubrest ahaBgy ooat. 

Or a big blood-thintf Bruin, bringiD? war, tad wrath and rain, 
A* prompt to omsh a frieml &« to nod a rival's throat ? 

Ktou'II take the Creature's word, aUsuipioionii absurd; 

A benignant, Kuthtr-ChristtnasBy, «o(t-Iiear[«d Atl* Troll, 
!• thi» brawnj big-toothed brnlc with the hairf Arctic auit, 

A M(*h's Ark-y hetut. and as harmlwis as a doll. 

Hear bim laj- (as thnnah ti> Alicr), " Do not hoed my atandeter's 
1 am not a fUar, my wax : I 'ra a Bug-bear, that is all ; [milice ; 

The Mook- Turtle, my sweet ohild. waim't holt to kind and mild ; 
I am All tw Peaoe. you tee ; t« Iw frightened yon 've no oall." 

" As to sprsj, or sword, or gun ; thit, of oonws, ii all my fnn ; 

ThL-i« lecth arc mil \jt cat, I 'm no Iwrce famiv.proim hsaat. 
Like that Wolf who meant no good to poor dear Krd Kiilmf Hood . 

/ am not tlw Hvt of bmt« wEo <m littlt girla eould (eart i " 

Usanwbil* h« atuideth thert m the UkeDeiaof % Bear, 
And a brawny Bear at that, and a toothy and ■ tongh ; 

And as far ai one can see, he eeema srmf-d cap d pie, 
ThouKh he'll certainly doolarfr— if you ask him— that's all itnff. 

Oh, wherefore oomee he forth, in this fashion from the Niirth ? 

Is it mischief that ho means)' Are thoy t*eth f /» that asword? 
From the ihadowi and the mow ho will growl an an(rry "Nol " 

txii/ iiiey who 're to dispoaod nuy aeoept the Honrter's word. 



"INTOIRELY MOLLOYDIOUS ! " 

At a meeting of the Sarsfield Branch of the National I<eagiie h«ld 
reaeotlv at Limeriok. a gentleman of the name of MoLi.ni diitin- 
guished, or rather ertingnieheii, himself by making oerlaln otissrra- 
tioni not entirely in aooord with the stntiments of those present. He 
■aid thai " tht^ faeliags at Irishmin were so agirrivated that they 
were all of th».Hme opinion, and had atiout trie same word« to 
Giprosa what they would like t" do." No doubt aniioua to boar an 
ezprcsrionof their inmost thoughts, his nndienaeenoonraged him with 
a Hear I hear I" to prooeed, upon which the speaker oontinaed— 

"He would IslI tlieinthat he hnd al°rny( bem of opinion, at lesitfor ■ I<mg 
time, thst Ireluid would nevor tm uMe to %i.-\. anything trata ttrn ItriUili 
Oo'emment until ttie w»s »bln to tufce ETiglmiJ liy tlio Ihnist with nn" baud 
and show hor a KQu in (he other. That wu what fiAVFOCa aad bis mxnioni 
wanted, be luppoBrn]-'* 

Upon this "the Secretirr" mildly remonstrated "that that would 
be maytng into their hands." Upon which the MOLLOT explained 
" that beiiauso It Was that ther bad do chance that he would be a 
party to moral furoe." Af(«r this the meeting were inclined to treat 

the mural fiiree party" with Uvilr, but still he InsiBttd upon 
Bttcni]>ting to urge hia riewa. Baffled onoe or twiou in obtaining a 
bearing, be at length minaged to protest aeainst a vote of thank* 
being passed to Mr. WiLrnii) BtOsfT tor kindly undertaking twu 
months imprisonment. The report of what followed is *o initruotirc 
that it is as well to give it in full : — 

" Mr. MoLLOY ii»i4 that while Im Its'! on oblenlion to pajuioi a rote of 
thank* to Ut. JJLUx-t. he thoagbt they ought not to put theiDHlTe* (ery 
muRh about is paMJuf it. The Engliah people bad Totol for owroion fur 
Inland, and now, if [he EDcliih pioplii name over ber«, be AiA DOl *e« Why 
Ihry ■houlil not (ni a l«it« of il. 

'■ A Mtnbtr.—lion aig a fool. Shut up! 

" Ur. MoLLOY Bid no Birer interfered with any mm eiprtsiing liti 
dplnioru, and bo did not think ta» should bo InternipteJ. Tbe Bogliata 
people hiid iriTen them eoereion, and bs sail! now Rn<l aca'n if (h«j giA a 
tuteotit they dMerrod IL A Jf*ffiS*r.— Honaenie. Bbatnp !'' 

And taking the hint (whiab potaibly may bsTe bod ■ thilloUgb 



PUMCH.OR TO LONDOM CHARIVAKI.- 



Januast 21, 1888. 





BEAR OR BUG-BEAR P 

"THOU COM-Sr LV eUcn a ttCESnONABLE SHAPE 1"- 



Hamltt. 



y 



I Jxtnt 



Jtmsan 21, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



S3 



behind it), Mr. HoLiAT did "»hut ap." It i« iiaid"th»t muiio h«lh 
jxiWCT to BOOllie thu Kirap! brent," whioli reflsotba reoalU to mind 
the fiiol Itul this ccMnlrto pipuuL-nt ■>( ninral furcn hu n nameaike 
who i» one ol the mmt pnpnlnr oompoittr* (d the dfty. Could nut the 
tnUioc of " Tha I'a^aboitd" tty his haod, or ruther inte, upon a 
pwlon wImm unM niRht prore > nat mcongruou* p^nditnt to that 
jHtlTMUbntadian^r' It would be a gr*at thing f.^r Ireland noiiid 
Mr, HoLtOT bo oonipo<ed to Bilenoe — not only (or Ireland, bat po»- 
wStij, in th«M daft of " ctoercian," for Hr. Hoixov hipu«U I 



THE BOW OF ULYSSES. 

" Thx Bow of ITlyMe*," yon aajr " u onstrung," 

FaorSK of the ticfry and fulmioant tiintT'ie ! 

W«U, your bow's at futlitntoh, bul ymi ishoot in the dark, 

AmA your arrowi, though p-itnted. Ay wide of the marlc. 

Tbota M* mighty few get lo the Ball's eye, and why 1* 

Yon bow-ftna ii itoat, but yuu haven't an tye. 

Ab,FK)Ciis.B7dMr bov, you're a patriot bold, 

Bvt Toa tmUt m hoiribly siven to acold. 

For UWrtool n Ooody yon re mther too (food, 

Cini-rillhtodnrBs ri«i'rr oombinns with that mood. 

It W« not a morsel the itylc of UlyEses, 

And whilst you nhoot thna yoa'll eoore little but nuatM. 

Yon ran roond our ilcnlm and find eTirythinfF wranSi 

BeoauM we will Ullc. Now that '■ ooming it etrong ! 

H " the eloquent tmirne," ia the devil, why than 

How much hetter think you ia the eloqn^iit poo, — 

Say youi», whioh for elo-iuenoe cannot he finat? 

Yoac piatuita tn fine, and your diution '8 a treat, 

But 'tk folly to try~lf vuu^ll nardon the hint— 

To drive nun Ut Suence b^ Tall-talk in print. 

" Palaver" yon farour with many a wipe ; 

It it tealljr muoh belter when net up in type P 

The " WMthieB of England" were doers,'' no doubt; 

They foaght, traTellcd, tilled. Did they ftrumble and II ml ? 

Pear me l one might think, if uno listened to vuu, 

Birr.t. wai only a man whilit he quarrell^ uia ilew. 

If I>«iDo« were deaf and the Demngogne mnle ; 

If thAJpoornanwer* treated oni^e more like a brute; 

W«n PJlaver " a pritilege kept friim the crowd ; 

Anfl COnflMd. like mni^h nise, ti Ihe wi.-'illhy and prond ; 

If nobody talked tave I'rini^e BiSMtmrK itnd ymi. 

If all Bbcka were mnde flnves, and all liadioaU U>0, 

It GLaon^itB were ragged, if Lord Cnctcniu. were burked. 

Whilst the noUc* all ruled and tlw people all worked ; 

If *'Fai«lope Britain" alone on her inle, 

Onid find ber Ulyuea in— ToKiti CaKLTtK, 

Wouid all go quite right 'neath the rule of the Strong One ?— 

If that U the Bow ytm 'd tee drawn, it '» a Long One 1 



SINGTI SONG. 
A LnrEE fou 1>trtxei- Yeib. 
HoitnrxXD Fubkd, Motntr, iOth January, 1H4S. 

(A> tliia i*. of oonrae, not intended for publioatiun, I pur- 
posely nvpnwlyearjtaue]— thank yoii a thouaand ttmeK tor yuur 
tetter avowing yoar undj ing and deep- 
rooted hatred m the aoennud eountry. 
to the downfall of whioh wc have 
both devoted the remainder of our 
natural Uvea; as aluo for the Poatal 
Order for two-and-siipeaoe, whioh, 
however, I fear I ehall find some 
dilBoulty in oEshing in this barbarom 
locality. Thii is awkward, as thonith 
I have boen taking a little money by 
abowing myself drenEed up in my 
"joo!»," ai owr mutually bononred 
^/ifUmilHBflllJHIK ^'"'"''< io Dublin would oall them, 
^'t (DRIinBSPif jfflw "^^^ ^ haven't vet been able to nobble 
''\' '^tSuKgK^Bm ^^ Oovemor here, and m fuode are 
"^^^^^^^^ ""' getting low, every rouble is a oon- 
Mderation. I am, therefore, Beriously 
thinking of applying tii a Iravelling 
Ctruiu tliil happeim to be in the neigh- 
TwUp Biag, the Proad and bourhuod. and it 1 can only miko fair 
loc^akbPoeefBagland. terms with the proprietor, 1 shall then 
nnd tiMraeflir teUy mylife and its servirc at the I'cct of him whom 
I eh^ bmiMdntlt Mgard aa my Imperial King Master, My iword, 
«( «Oiin«, ii ilMtadM is the bargxln. 

Aad tlwt remind* lia. U t^is oRhfimi^ falU through, do you think 
them adgU be mr bta opening ior mo in that aocunrd conntiy, 
to the doimfall of which, u I have above remarkdd, wo have both 




devoted the njmainder of oar natural live*? How about the 
Aiiuariumi When ar« Jni Smith and JiKB Kilbum "off"? 
Couldn't the Minagcment watrire to work me in somtbow with th« 
Bbllk FiTM*, though I'm mre with my "jools" on and a aoimetar 
and a comio aong, with a b;t of "go" in it, 1 an quit* strong 
enough to draw alone. Perhaps MUXKLTXI might too hie way (o 
something Y 

Meantime, Honoured Friend, how about my getting into Parliatocnl 
for an Irish county? 1 should liko tn swagger in the lobby. 1 
luggest this, (or. fn(re nous, I don't think thin Rossinn butincss 
meana ti piiy. I 've blnitnrnd. k<>pt np commnniositTijns with nfivprol 
di«tiiignithed A»iu.tio and European cut- throat*, worn mv "jools "on 
Sunday afternoons and Hank Holiday*, left cards on all the nobs, — 
hut Boroehow they don't bile, 1 don't seem it go down. 8n kerp 
your eye otwn, and na soon a« you see taylhing to oomammoate, 
write oS at once, and bo sure to address your letter to 

Thb TtK N*-non, OR Halp fioTEnnoji or tag HroB 4SP 
Sjkh Natiox, iXD Pbodo Incapable Fob o? Bbsuitv. 



"I'M AFLOAT!" 

Tab Tttijiu xvo TsiuMrna or A TonniM-BoAT. 

I 'u afloat, I 'm aJloat, for the present at least, 
Thongh on what may next happen wild f iney will feitit ; 
But I say, np to now, I 'm alloat, I 'm alloat, 
Whioh is something, you see — for a Torpedo- Boat- 
It is true my fore-engine it all out of gear. 
And the t«p of my feed-pump is buited. I fear; 
But in triumph 1 gloan, nnd in gladceu 1 gloat, 
Fof^though Icsky and crank— I'm afloat, I'm afloat I 
It is muuh mure than sumo of my contorts oan say. 
T*«ntJ|^(our of us started one morning in May ; 
For n trial •?( stfiaming we stood out to ira, 
And, by Vulcaa ! we had a remarkabln spree. 

Ohjthe joy of the Jolting, the pridn of the pace 
A tew of Hi, though, were soon out of the race. 
Twcnty-sii miles an hour— /ur an hour— ttay do, 
Till yon run on a ri>ok, and disable your urew 1 

One did so; of oonrseehe no more c>>u]dhe used. 
Anotlier broke down, fur her orauk-brasses fused; 
A third made a show, bat her pride wu soon piqued 
Wbeo her engineer found how her main-feed valve leaked. 
Her ftres were then drawn, and, no doubt, yon '11 perceive 
That with fumauut tinpty a ship's on siak leave ; 
But that waa just notbinff (Himpnrcd with the next, — 
I'm assured her oummander ivas r«ally (|uito rexU 

For they let in her hoUera the Watnr g.-t low. 
And the famiice-oriiwn oaveil in— a tfurihln blow ! 
And the sttam all escaped, and it Hew for and wide, 
All the Staff were well scalded, and three of th«m died. 

Srven boats were thns " boshed " ; will'trarprise yon to learn 
That an eighth it 's put vaguely—" broke down on return." 
WpH, aome diil return, which ia wmitOiinc to boast, 
Though a shaky, disahled, demonlised host. 

And now you 'U perceive— it 's as dear us a star — 
What a terrible lot we Torpedo Boats are. 
To whom ? Well— ahem 1— to— that is— I anppOM, 
To nnypni' handy, exoeptlng our foes. 

You see we go qu«r, and we pet out of gsar. 
Go oullidint- like fun, being awkward to stesr. 
Blow up. boil our erewp, run aground, ay, and sink. 
Won't that frightia our enemies f What do you think 1* 

My rxxitions am pravnd, 1 am happy to say. 
By lUt)orta of those Trials the twelfth of last May. 
Bead them, and they'll second my simple remarks, 
And yon '11 own that our trials are really great Urka. 

For myself , I f««I lluky. Thtf put me indoak, 
But 1 haven't entirely iMorerM the ahoek. 
Sti!l do please recollect, when supplies you next vote, 
That although of small use, 1 'm ullnat, I 'm alloat I 

SonGiurnoir ms tns MrrBoroLiTAH Boibb op Wobk.— A 
" OaAJ>DATK" thinks that, as a memorial of recent proceedings, this 
Board should be known as "The Hobbdomadal Board." 



"Oh, dear 1 " tzolainMd Ufa. Bjjc, "when are those letter* on tba 
Opinm Medicum going to atop I I declare when I try to rttd tbam 
1 get quite drowsy." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

A HKii TauL "is CiuaaA." — to.^aSia?i.'tfrfg>^'^hit**^tt<'^ \ 



3i 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARrVAKI. 



[Jakuaet St, 18£8. 




I 




FESTIVE. 

Old 0ml {frrnn "jo'y KrUm'sh Far'g " silling hi» " JFa'ieh" to UndfTgrmind Saihnay Hmt, iy 
(A« ff'eifMng-Uaehhu I). "Thub ifuaa bx EtOB'DAT OlihjxI" 



S. E. and Ii. C. & D. Baillery {Victorian Sra). 

" Tv I wen Ch&irmiui of the South -Butero," obserrtd Mr. L-50, "I thould reaien 
likowiBkmM" 

■■ Like winVin', perhaps," retttroed Mr. J. S. F-KB-P, " bnt unlike W*thw." 

" Ail tha isnie," remarked a. ahajeholder of the 8. E., " I doa't see whT your Co-Dtreotor» 
■honld h»rc written bucIi a reply to our polite rtqiieit u uppcmred in loit aatnrdny'ii vpo"-" 

" Well," replied Mr. J, 8- F-h-b-b, "you see, it's a way we'regot; or. I might «y, it's 
a AhWt of onra." [£nunt omnai tecerally. 

CuiNOK or Nius. — In oonaeqneooe of the nnliouiided onofideiiee diapUyed liy the Metro- 
poUtui Bu;ird uf Worki in the aputhy ut the Public, and in the OM^oientiuiUDeB)' of ita 
offioiaK it will b« ia futoie entitled " Xlie Buard of Faith Withuttl Wotka." 



WwT»«*'Lon' Lofhoskr":— "No E¥k>!ntioDiit waa oTermore eager to find the MisainK 
Link than wm I on atUmiiting to Tetum home from the theatre in the dense fog Uat 
VednMdar. Ju. H." 



POETRY AND PASTKY. 

littM. Mb. Pchch, 

I BAVE writteia thia pome about t]w 
mlcoe pies, thinking it might be a good 
thic^ U> have it printed. I have aUo put in 
Bumething abdut Elsie, becanae she made 
them. I don't wnot my name put {a the 
pome, benanao the fellows are sure to tee 
Punch, and they don't understand thinva of 
thia kind, and wonM very likely laugti at 
me. And one doesn't oare to nave one'* 
frieDds' names hnmbiiggHd about in the 
playground. Tom has liuiked over the 
Terst», and says they are very (rood, now he 
has invested them with artie merit-, and ha 
has pat in some of his own, whioh are 
rather rot. He very nearly got " the New- 
gate" (I always thought "Newgate" was a 
prison, he saya it 's a prize 'un) at Oxford, 
(inly he wasn't allowed to gu in for the 
Exam, for it, aa he had to be in training. 
I enclose a stamp, not nvoeB^arily for ate, 
but ta a quarantine of good faith. 

toura truly, e^j^^j pcDniiio. 
(My noni da " plum."} 

r.S.~Tf you don't want to use the itamp, 
yon mi^ht send it back to me. 

THE POME. 

Elsie went down to the Sitehen 

Where they made the TweUth-Ni<kt 
^ feaat, 
A.nd it 'a oh. ahe look'd so betwiCoh'ns 

That Cook from her cooking otas'd. 
And let her make tart, pie and oako, 

And ebo wasted a p^nnd at leut 
Of butt*r and (luur ; but Cook ntvor look'd 
soar. 

And ahe a aometimea a surly beast. 

Oh. tbo yule log, and the ewe. ewe Umb, 

But and the yew-tree gray ; 
And a new year 'a coming up, my love. 
For the old year 'a gone away. 
ITou niadt Ihit up. Jit tayi it 
pi'i'«a (I caekat. 

She look'd so lovrlv as she sway'd 

The paste with dainlj- ficgen. 
That round the pastr>' that she made 

An endless glamour lingers, 
Like the bidden tight of a swallow's lli^ht, 

Of the ailenoe of perfect singera. 

How dull and beaa'ly are our eehoola. 

And starting is the nunt day : 
They always hav« new-fan R led rule*. 

And give us French the llfet day ; 
And Elsib's faoe will fill the plnpe, 

Like a mirage when yon 're thiratr. 

Aunt Post saya that horrid boy 

Will Vill himself with eating, 
Bnt little wota ahe of the joy 

That sets my fiulnes beating: 
It's not the t^t tli»t shakes my heart. 

It 'a Elslb, pretty sweeting. 

And why not die ? What hope ia nuiie ? 

She 'a now Ave yeart my aenivr. 
In vain bright eyes upon yon ahlne 

If rivals oome between you ; 

But the holidays were all dirine. 
And Kt.sir was their genia,* 

VesI Hiiw can boy make bdtlfr uid. 
An end more awcet. and eiidden. 

Than imiling die of Ei.sik'k pie 
After a. cmirse of pudding. 

With teeth fast tii'din theminoeshie miz'd 
And her pastry, whit« and woodeo. 

Oh. the ynlolog, and the ewe, eve lamb, 
But and the yew trre gray ; 

And a new year 's coming up, my lore. 
For the old year 'a goat %wKf. 

* Thii li a fniuala geod genlua. 





Jaiidabt 31, 188tt.] 



PUNCH. OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



35 



OUR WINTER EXHIBITION OF THE WORKS OF YOUNQ MASTERS. 




CtlABLKS DOftOLBR. 
UOkx, 16S9. Pt.utiu«itEi>, 18T9~8?. 

Nn. 1. " Landing n/Julita Catar." Thia Arlist wunakDOWd III 
LoDdoa uDtit htotne vp fer the Putomime. after wliioh hs piiatad 
So. l'>, in tliii CoUaotbti whioh tt appear* liowever. hod >>«en alrwdr 
pr«oed«d bjf 111* " Landing ofJuiiut tViar,"' »nd Ko. C, ,< SiMttr, 
which It Is tunnMed wi-re iviKiotillj portiani of th* turn* pjotorei, 
ki the threB w«re (luouTFml by Mih Tuiuukk, [ennctd •« d>r 
ydvernesa by CflAhLKa Dukiilbk, Se-niof) in tho Drtt pag* of 
Cnxii£e,'i Child' 1 Uiiluryof L'li^^nif, which ho wm ttadTlDic at th« 
xruide. 

Iiu. 6. ^ Bather. Bf the lams Artist. Th« piotur»ia inkdn!- 
mble pretervation, u CniiiLKS Dohdlkr >Iw«ri took Mrt ol Xu. 1. 

No. IS. " Acton." Df the aiine Arti't. Thii wu drawn whni 
he was seriousif thinkiDit "f ndoptinfr the -'^tag^ a* a profiFisioD. flo 
went BO far aito buy n Thcatfi'. with r«al lamp* (or wit.'k» and oil, an 
orohostra full of mnBiei&ni ia bliu and Tud, and th(> sidt'-Wics well 
fillod with apayiDK andUooe. Bat theM tli^atriual Bpi'vulitionB Rut 
him into a itr«at mem (cpeBLallf with the oil-kmpi and paiiilj imd 
ho lOoii rcUnqainhed the Idea. 

No. 10. " Soliiiim on Bridge." Bf the same. A Kne oompoutlon. 



No. I. 



J0H.VN1K DORGIN. 

BoMt, 14A9. Floi^kuiiik, 1SSI. 
' Jtuhinsan Crutof, 



>ff hit Pitt, and Friday." Wn noswu, 
unfurtun&telT. wij few tpMiiaeiu of this eiuelleiit Voung AliLttvr, 
mult of bii akttobts haviui; been dwtroyid by hia Tuunpr brother 
and aUter. who, ia ouDjunotion with the baby (aged two), cut them 
np f.jT " loriM,'' whioh, alttr haTiuji formed part of Iho celebrated 
Diauutri (^ollei^tiou, neru Bummatily dupuicd uf hf the aathorltlM 
who frmrd tliMe ttiiuufM, 

It u probable that this picture was piiat*d about s'30, jutt heforft 
^ng to btd, a* it bean trai»i of hta la(i>r manner. Br way uf aidtog 
the ^athoaof the design, the iligntty uf the Crutat otiag apmreat 
in hi* noble thongit wild air, tbe Attjat haa giv«n a oertam alleottDC 
ngmifioaiwie (a th* AffOt of J^/tttay, The animal*, it ia cunjeetund, 
aro by another hand, p«riia|ia hia left. 

No. 7. A Sea Pite*. By the lane Artist. There ia, wtt beUaTVt 



36 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Janoabs 21, 1&88. 






on- 
I rec 



BQother TCTaion of thi» gre»t w>iTk siUnt. ObietTB the breeiinen of 
tbc haxIb, ttiD uii»aivu heaviavus uf whut is miir.&Ued a Light Huuie. 
Aim Duticr the sk/ sbiive bqiI the ud bvlow. This somewhit novel 
(trruuKumeut has lieeu Ur)|-elf uupiej by aervjle imit»t<>rs. 

No. U, " BIm Bc<ird." By ilio ttiinB. A fine conception. Tha 
Bavnge Turlc hiui B<^i/cd hii hapUss bridfl, the twentieth victim, hy 
tho hair uE her hrad, and wavun his lluhtug Bcimittr ia the air. 
while on tho rout' of tha oastle Is aoen the detpairiii^ fiicure of 
SiiiUr Anne u she iiunB the horizan and frvnt tho Ut^st iatelliffi<uee 
to hsr liftkr below. A carious oiroumsliiaoe ia rolut^J in ouanBution 
with this pioture. While Juhshie Dombim ¥nia at work on it with 
the bax ol nnints that hed beeu given him oa his pixviuug birthday 
by h(« uncle .Mr. Bhiaine, hia coiiein. B:i.lt Bolaink, between 
Wnom ftnd JoaKniE Ihcrd h;id nlwafe exLatcd coneidernble riviilry, 
entered the apartmvnt, and in the ubsenoe of Josnnir, took up a 
brusli cLurgea with lamp-black and made a. great "splosh" (a« he 
twmwl itj on Blw- BvariTi eye. JoaKBK, on retuminif. eiolaimed, 

" BiLLT has he<?a here uid hu ^ven Blue Be-ini a black 

ore." Whereupon he immediatidr Mdlieil forth, and, overtaking 
BiLLT in the street, produeud the same efTeot <'a hia oonsin's eve 
bj) Biu.1 had ou Bins Beard's. Alter this Ie«»oa Wwj heoame tiie 
jroateit friends, and it is nid that Billy lent Johuhik hia own box 
of paints and ini|)arted to him many of the seuretl by which he h&d 
att«iaed suoeeas in toA own peeuUac line. 

BILLY BOLAINE. 
BoEK, IStiS. Flo u 111 sum, 1S90— 6'2. 

No. 3. Landteapt, teith horn, ducks, and figure: Silverv effeot 
of about eieht o'diji^k in the muraiiig anywhere. Tha animals have 

S'ven rise t'j euiiib dieeii^siuu. but the iteiitiriil ioipreHsiiia seems to be 
at the Artist, who n(<ver depioUd auythinif without a snbtte mean- 
inir, originally inttitiied at leist one of them for a cuw. The small 
flKurfs probably repreeunt members of the painter's family. There 
ia a good etnry tuld about the ducks in this Dicturo, which we have 
utte forrotten. It is a question whether tne hand of his oouain 
JHNSIB DoKdtN is not evident in more than one of his duoks. 
S'X 3. Hunting. By the same Arliat, Full of life and move- 
_i*Bt. That tho Artist should have selected subjeeli from oountry 
life ia all th<< ninre remarkable from the fact of his never having left 
London tintil Ii>ng afl«r he had tci'^en up paintintC. Our own Land- 
eHBa, or any of the great Duto-h painters, would have found consider- 
able diflioulty in representing a horse anil houndi with the fidelity to 
naturedisplaved by this Young Miitter. Artists admire the luni- 
noaity uf tliebiiikijround wherii the foi is viaLhle. The foi is worthy 
of hia hriuhl This » certainly Bquimr's young-muter-piece, 

oBOKDiE porqee:. 

BoHw, 187(1. Pr-ounuiiao. ISSfl— T. 
No.4. The Macilarmalaitecf Dundrv. Leatby IheArtiet'sparente. 
Okokdle was. from a very early period, devoted ti> the Orange cause, 
aa represented by the Of anire- woman with whi>m, when walk In i; in the 
neighbourhood of Covent Oirden, he was never weary of uunvorsing. 
He was at one time thinkinn of beuominit an Oranire Buy, but wai 
deterred from this project by his maternal aaiit, Mrs. M.ioTor'PiE, 
onoof the HmuiuitES of MnrCnlmond It')ok, who [laanrod bim that 
tha Sweetn of Homo were preferable tJ ouythin? he could (cet abroad. 
The piutare represents a diatingiii^bed anoest'ir of the Artist, Thic 
HacUahmalidi ot Dundee, from whom he inherKeil the peouUar 
toale whiuh kM)t hit ptletts thorouithlv employed. Wu hope to dine 
witli his vioellent i;»r«nte next Tuesday, and to ba invited to hava 
a little [abbit-khiM^Qg near Bunnie Dundee. 

BOItatD LTTTEL riKKGI,!,. 
Boi(!i, ISTj. FLouutcitiD, 1SS7. 

ITo. 8. Il'irte am! M'in.—Var tha first few years ot his eiiitenoe 
very few person* had the slif ht*at idea of the variety and eitent of 
hi« genius, UouuTD LvTTEi:, Pikkki.l was a great animal -painter. 
Several interesting steries are told of Iiira in this capacity, " At 
one time," an old lady iuformed ne, " he wa8 staying in my house, 
where I had some sweet pets— Tibby. the white oat. Plubbr> the 
black one. Beauty, the pug, and a miniature King Cnirlw, 
Scaroely bad Lytiel Pikkrll been a day in the'hiinse, when he 
developed his extraordinary taUnt for ailimtilpaiuttng. I well 
reraombcr the evening. He said tlia colours looked better by oaodlo- 
IJltbt, and you can imagine my deliftht and Eurpriie when I saw Tibby 
oovered all over with red and black ipnts, Ha face painted like 
that of » wild Indian, f'hibby all over Chinese while with a vermilion 
tail, the puir coated with ornnBe-piuV, and the Kinjt Charles a bright 
akyblue. With tha true nioaesty of genius LrrrsL I'iickei. denied 
all kn'>wledgc of thit work ; hut ortiatic power will come out, and, 
alter Borne h-jditation, the animal -painter stood confessed. On hearing 
his avowal I felt I ahnulddo wmnjrtooonSaebistaleateto mv house, 
and he left." Therearo many similar et^iriea t^ld of hira, He never 
■tayed lung in any one place, and rarely ever viiited the eame 
locality a seoon J time,— duI, at least, to the koowUdge of the iuha ■ 
bitant* who would have been only too (hd to ban given him the 
reception his meritu di; served. 



MA8TBR maKT 81NDF0RD. 
BoHN, 1871. FLOuaisiEiD ciuirLV ih tub Cukistmas Holidays, 1B8S. 
No. 0. Copy from msoiary of the uelebrated portrait of an Ancient 
Jnstiee known by hiscontemporariei as "Old Judge." Thiaii noC 
from any private Collection, but has been taken from a pabho hoard- 
ing in the MHtropoUs. An acquaintonoe of the Artist infoms ua 
that it was painted just before Harbv Sijsoi'UttD went to th« Crite- 
rion Bar, Ua^tvr Habby S.^ndfuhd lingered over this gem, this 
Richmond gem, until he was seized with an attack of illness, which 
resulted in the immediate atlendaaoe of Mr. Babi.oiv with Dr. 
BiBcn. This Artist isiinownas " Voung Hahiit," nod judging from 
specimens of his peuuliar wark, seme oritips have oonjwturtd 
that be was not altogether uninspired by " Old Habbv." 

im BOBBr. 

BouN, 1^79. FLoiiaiaiuxo, lS-13, 
So. 10. Battle Piece. Thia spirital picture has never been 
exhibited. Such works are soaroe. Highly liuished as it is, it wu 
oompletod at a single iitting'. Few military men can look oa this 
wiLhouL feeling that Ittv Bobbt must have witneased the aoent he 
so.Tividly realises. Yet it is not so. 

LITTLE laOU&S TDCKER. 

BOBM, 1H70. FLoi;Bt»uiD, ISSO— I. 

No. VI. Portrait uf tka Painter by himse(f. No work of Art 

that we have ever seen conveys so furoibly the sense of abwlvt* 

loneliness as does this ol Thouas Tlckeh by himself. His is a aad 

history. He t<>ok to vocalisation in older to procure food, and, aeff- 




name, "Little Tom Tuckek.' being a household "word. Now we 
scarcely ever hear of him. It is supposed, with what truth wa do 
nut know, that the refusal of the wetl-kn^wn oenceited and wlftih 
gourmand, J-CK H-bh-k, to shire any portion of hi» festire meal 
at Christ mas -time, broke T. Tdokkb's lieart. We trust, for tho 
credit of humanity, that this story is not true. 

SAMUEL NOOOLEKYNJ (Tn» Toukoir). 

Bosk, 1870. Pi.<i<iuuiiaD (eoit Off! oxi), ISST. 
No. 13. " A Sentry of Art." One of the eoldiera oa guard at 
tho National Gallery. Far this admirable, and, as we briiove, 
uni[[ue spooimen ot this Youn;; Milter's work, wo are indebtiid to 
Natbamkl N.jODi.icsrss {the Eldt-r), It was intended for the 
prewnt Exhibition at the GMSveaor Gallery, as illuatratiog " A 
Cnnt'rf/ of Art" but the Artist's friends disoovered too late for 
the Artist, but not for Art it*c-lf, that at the Grojvenor Gallery only 
the works of Old Masters were admitted. This unforeseen diaap- 
pjintmpnt embittered the Y'lung Master's life, and at the beginning 
of the Xew Tear he eiclaiined, I will paint no more I " n depision 
whioh. while it was hailed with oonsiderahle eatiafiiction by his parents 
and moat members of the houaehuld, caused great grief to one 
of his earliest and etaunchest patrons, Mrs. Clabr STiarnEB, The 
Washerwoman of Sope-Sudbnry, who was aoonstomed to take away 
with her, every Monday, the family pocket- handkerchiefs used by 
the Artiat in the course of his work, as well as hit pinsiforea and 
those of his little sisters, which^ahe treated with all the reverent 
enthusiasm of a relic-uulteotor. 

TOUMY MEBTON. 

BOBJt (UNCBBTAIN). FLOLUISMBU — COVTRMPOlUirEODSLT WITU 

Hahiit SaxDrono, the Yocnobia. 

No. 14. " Old Bofte. A beatl—I halti him ! " ' This is probably 
a portrait of the Rev. Mr, Bablow, Jun., in full acodemioals. Thera 

is a certain sad dignity in the leaturts which commands ;r««peet and 
ioepires distrust. The misleading initials ore evidenUy int«nded to 
conceal the authorship. 

ANONTIIOUS. 
Boarf, ISiS. pLouHtsnao, I8&0— ST. 
No. 17. " Papa." The Motto, " It u n wise child that knowi 
its own father,"' is written at the back of this pintur*. This is 
evidently a cryptogram, oonuciltug the name of tho .Vrlibt. Several 
amusing stories are told of this piinter. for whiijh we have Utilhoi 
tine, apace, nor patience, and, therefore, ahu^ up tha show. 



A Lour VncATio*.- Tlw M.B.W., i.e., the Metropolitan Board of 
Work*, would have elected Mr. Hebb as its private ('baplaio bad he 
not renoun>:'<d all idea of taking orders. Though ho pnfMted hln< 
self perfectly willing to wear the M. B. Waisteoot. 

A OBBTADi " Good Iiritiiios."- J. L. Tools playioe Crioket on the 
Hearth,— and a very good plaoe to play it too in this M««Uy woatber. 

HouE ItDLB Below Siiibs.— At Winchester this policy it entirely 
for Sitobin use. 



a^ Jf^r/tX— ^^iWarf CoBiaiuninlions or Contribnlicns, whether 
*» «i w* bB leturaed. uoc •Ten wiieA ««Mmp«iLltd ky a 
acre mnU b« Ba txecpUoa. 



US., FriutBit Uatlcr. Dranisgi. or Fictores e! any aetcripuea. will 
StatupBd anA Lftdieiwd Cnvslcpe, Cover, or Wiapper, I« Uiii to^ 



d 




LONDON CHARIVARI. 




"BRA.YVO, 'ICKS!" 
"I (land lixre (w ' juiium'— U Iiduid.*' 



NOT SO BAD AS IT SEEMS. 

Wn SAo /ram the Jlae Fduboarg St. Himor^.i 

** Vtut U no* Lofd Lirrun'* iifBnUl midmins liw b«>a allowed tsfill 
lata *liautl (quthd durepiir. Tho furniture and filling would look ataabl^ 
ia B •MODd-nls piiuitm?'—Sl. Jamri'i (lautti. 

Tm Briti*h imlHUMdor pwtA the roam with thaughtfal brow, 
llMiniiiy <ak]f iti>« a-ud auaiu when one or other of hit fwt Mujtlit in 
ft IMtiattiewell-wurii iiaj))Bt. 

" How Mn the li^aiu; uf tha Tt«tty be tvoided f " h« tA*A him- 
•elf. " An hour'i delay aud tbe pre«#nt Oovernment will have 
fallen, Mid w« thould then have l« deal with theit«ucoe»K>n! What 
do yett do hrrA 'i " Tha qasry wan addieaacd td a youoj^ nuui who 
bad lilacUj «ottr«d the room. 

" I hATe to apnlofriM to your KxoeUcnor.'' replied tha new-oomor, 
uMpeotlttllr, " im UTinK pnMiit*d myaclf before roo withuut ■ 
M^wl, li«t th* U«t time I KDoekad on the dour the panol cnakcd 
beneaUi Wf knnniklti. It i* ft wondtr to me that yon haro btcn 
able to entertain in thii raraona placv." 

" Hr)w 1 (lid it is my own •cor<-t,'' uiid the Pt>ot Diplonmtist, nnd- 
ding h»H KoicfuUr. hull t^xxinfitnr^ly. asd hv a gflitnre jnTitinit 
hie viailor to pluco aome t'xp^i'* h« oarric^d In hin hands on a table. 

" Agmin, mj Lord. I uk imrdoD," oantiaiied l.hn Private SeontJirT, 
lor tMt wai KiB |K>(itiua : " but I hiTA IDV dnitbt« About the advl> 
•ftbilitjr of folbnini; tlis oourse yuu Htitmii^Kly ["'>po«e. I baT« Kood 
nuon for beiicviDg that were I tu put unyUiioK on that table It 
woaldMtbwuit." 

"Andthie new Tronty io no liRht matt*r." laughed the Brltia]i 
AmbuaadoT. " 1 wish thcrcforu that 1 could delay it» »i(niature." 

"The ForeiiTQ Mini«terU lure to bo punulud. Ahl I hear hU 
rinf," and tbo Private Beoretary looked I'Ut uf the wiudow. Then 
he etauitwi lim fixit with nnnoyanon, " Ho hai pulled the handle 
wilii auf^uient force to bicak the bell-wire ! " 

"Aul you by your tbonghtlera impatienoe have driven your foot 
tkroogb the aii"T, 8ee yoor lee is imbedded in the lath and 
plaiterl Yuu nhould he more oarefuU" wa« theanirry responae. 

The Britiah Ambuita'lor bad not time to offer fartbar cxiwatula- 
tion btforn the Kreooh Uiniater for Fi)r*)(rn Affairn presonted KiniBelf, 

■" Y-:iUf KiotUenoy," aaid the Gallic Offioial. " 1 have brought the 
Ireaty with me. which now awalta v«nr niBnaturo." 

" An yon ^it« *ure it i> all riKhtf" drawled ont !x)rd I.inTOW, 
nid«atlf limt upon prolon^ine the tireliminariea of tbd inlcrriew. 

" Qnit* itiro. my Lord : if yuu will take a pen the matter can be 
aettkd fttoneo," and the Krenuhman began an anxiou wtroh for 
ink aad papvr. 

" Are yoa euro yon are acthaTistd by your OoTtriuB«il to so ftll 
tUsF" aaktd the Britiafa Ambanudor. carck-uty. 

" A tkoOMfld ttOMa JM," waa the Kreochmaii'* reply. Then bo 
ootttintud. "See, 1 hay* laid oat the ducummt on that table, and 



"Then I sanpoee I mottl giTe yon a lead ; " and tha Franohman 
imiliiii(ly tat down on the ancient chair. The AmbaaMdor and tbe 
Private SL-anttary itood nxiDC at him trankfliid with tarror. 
Sttddeolv there «raa a Bhrielc and a heavy f*tl. T%e chair had givpn 
way nnaer the very CMniderahle weight of the Frenchman, who waa 
now lying in an nndiiriiifipd poiilion en the fl«or. Ilta two Eojcliilk- 
man immediately uaieted him to riie. 

"Wa really muit apoloiriao," be«an Lord tintaf. 

"Never mindapologiei." repSird the Gaul; '" lettii ti<B th* Tf*aty." 

"Too late!" said the Kn^liah Ambuawlor, with hia f<ar h) B 

telephone. " I reeret to inlorm yon that your Oovetnueat haa 

fallen, and that yon cnncfqnently are no longer in efcatfo of tbe 

bvrrau of Foreign Affairs." 

" BtlSed ! " hi*>«d otit the Frenohman. a* be took hi* dcpartara, 
" Juiit in time," said Lord Ltitok ; "jnrt in time," 
" That oh^r givbs way nitdw bim wai moit fortunate," obterred 
iha Private SeotetaTT. 

"Vta," returned Lord Lnrm.Kdeaalr." tha bonoar of Snglaod, 
nay. the peace of th» Worid, hftTa btmi ptoUoted by oui defective 
farnitnre : Let ua eonplaia of H no loafer." 
And they did not. 

UPON AUAKYLLIS 

Cavjinj him tomt ditpjMturt, 

Bv Sai>i^v SroitTift. 

Thit told her, whan a watward 

Rtr temper to deter, fohild. 
A bogey man, naktmpt and wild. 

Wonid rtm awny with hir ; 
That riehdit qna.-rf fwceit fallii 

By umpnrifig mteo bc^qiltd. 
Till wide throngh faahiOD'a gilded 
halti 

TounK A]£aXTLUa smiled. 



With frozen glee her growing 

- fear* 

She itraggted to rcitrain, 
,Kt tbroo^h the uneven tfnl year* 

.Shr imilod, and imiled in vain. 
And now abe trie* tha infant plan, 

And (ulk* tha livelong day. 
That M at leaat a bogey man 

May oarry her away. 



"CELF,BR1T1E8" SOI "AT UOHE." 

Wb have jiut teen the first number of Men and Wom»n of ike 
i)ay, fontaining admirable phototiapha uf Mi»s Mabt Audksaok, 
Lord H&BTiKOTON (Ei-Cabiiiet liie), and Cardinal Newmin, quite 
the belt we have tctn of theao Cult-hritiea. If the series is equal to 
this lint sample, it will be historinally interesting, and most valuable 
as aproioiens of the Me««ri. lUnBiDli's phot«|rrapbio art. They do 
not say whether their intention is to giTe us one lady and two 

Sntlamcn evtry month, or t> vary this proceeding oooaaioEBlly, but 
e arrxngiment in this fir<t nnmber, with " Our Ujkki '' between 
the Cardinal in a brown ttndy. and Iy«d lUitTtBnTOV, " himself to 
tbe life." that i* in rather an awkward piaition and lookinf eooie- 
what j^uuled, and neither of them paying the aligbteat attention to 
chnrming Ptrdita, ii d(>:idedly bnmOTOoa. 



i 



>Q Toii have la do u to teat youretjf on this ehair, and sign it." 
"S;at miwlf on tbatcbairl Kerer!" cried Ixjtd I.trm:), w: 

.1. IJ I>Vu.».l» 



ahudder. ''H«v«-I 



with 



Cheerful! 

WAtw'lr this a nice ndveflisoment for tbe Christmas holiday* K It 
was in tha Marniuf Pott (not the Ertning Patt—Aou't let there be 
•Of Bii«ta](c about thie. Sir ALoitiwow) for December 30:— 

G07BRXB88 (But lUb) for Three Childien. tid'tt IA; must b* a thoraugh 
diedpUaaiiaR and wi'lt M* \n silnimiiiiir TOrporidiniDishment-, food 
•alary; ■ceibovt 24 : write full iiortiinilnTii sa lo mods of^uuUetisg pusish- 
raent, ilsealaty ie<iuiicd ; pertontl luteivuiw in [.oaden neMMaiy. 

Tin't that pleaaast. Dr. BiHcn P Snch advertisemc<Dt« ou(ht (0 
have a paper all to ihemselvea,— aay, for example, 2'he Wktppatg 
Port. 

8c«at per Scent. 

" JocxiT Cbvn " w« know 'i a pleuant loentt 
Bat now *tia clearly honesty'e intent 
(And nonine *port of the result '• expectant) 
That JMkey Clnb thaU be— a dieiofectantl 

ivrrr what kioht bi Exi-h^kI'.— The OiHum Midieum rune k 
biyb, that ot one West-End C'lub. on a Hoijicenpathitt beinc pnt Op 
aa a candidate, the Allopatbiite banded togetbvr and "piUMl' him. 

Tale I 
DucHIXO departa? Pleasure has Punch in pmnloc 
AfenlfanireU. "Oive you good den'," giMdDnnniral 

Tbi Ixduk BIadi.— a Bill before the Indian Lt^ialature pro- 
poses 1o eoustitute ooek-figbling an indictable oSeiiee. But is that 
paitimii really id ottiel as it u called? Ibe oocia IbennalTea UIca 
nghting, nod, whiUt \nxae, tbey " Uvo Uk* S^iAxMimAus:'' 



\ 




38 



PUXCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Jaxuabt 33. laaa. 



THE GREAT FIGHT 

ScltHm (if " OflBM OMn/c ' IGriinlhonf* Asriw) anrfrt* " /MarmaCTprinn Ftl," tTi-Chao^ian Dtxrv tfiijlif, JlolderiiJ tiu AUtfiUiae 
Bttt, At., ic A TaU i^lht " TiiTut," ntold in (inan or Ua») Bom-ric f'crte. 



• 






I 




Hdu. hint <'f lhc> mtTrifnt niiil, httwten two puailiMic*! riT*!*, 
That jet hu b««n mmd in thn ting, in thi* wuod nf llktin revivftU T 
DoD't «irbl« of Surra uid Kilkux, or of Srr.i.ivtK, known as th« 

'■ SluititeT," 
Their luU-to ooiBp*'*^ ^^ '^'' '">« *^* "■^'^ Muple* o{ ttne 

husitcr-iaiuriEtr. 
Tha talc )« a tou^h oda to t«tl. it ne«di Bona mob a, ma*H a* 

MjkCAf ur'a. 
Ihc Kallant and |t«iii«IQuMTflOlirk-'hJmEclf a rar« dab wilh hia 

"mawlaja," 
Out op Uiia tra« aportisR >Sair, ho'* tbn braveit aod boldist of 

bukara. 
The lada Uut ha sot u tha riiif war* a ooupla of T««iilar orackert. 
The " Phatmacopaian Pat"— MfiMrn prierft—* vataran, 
Um Kut htt of fit;ht in him jot, for a bif 'an yon 'II toaroe find a 



True faa of Ute ron* to IVkh, ia a trif|i> (<ii bMfy and lumpy. 

And luvunul "HuieoDo" niaf detm that hJaatyle'a rathei flaaby uid 

juBpy ; 
But he alill haa " a dama^iuit riiiht," au hia batkera at Lnut are 

periuadi J. 
And (|ulek "Icni'ckiDg ont," hia pet lacUoa, br v«ight and hii 

ioohes are aiited. 
In flint he '■ a aoct of a Hi:u,iv4tr, {aaiT and rather vain-gbriooa, 
Full cf disdain for hia foeman, and oookmreof beinK Tiotoriona. 
GMUinori'a " Gamo Qlobnla," au (mttntnv, la rathar alixbt-waitU 

at preaent, 
But anick on hia pina aa a oat, with ■ " left " far too hot to be 

pleaaaDt, 
Ai prom^itlf the P. P. dlaeonrtd : the P. P. of ooune faread tba 

llElitmi;; 
Ue haan't got ffluoh of a guard, ao h«pM«iii(orruahiD<aBd auitiitf. 



Jaxuaiv 28. lt83.J 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



39 




4 



"LAPSUS LINQU«," 

Fation ^wiiW it olu an tnlMitiaMft Amateur Pholoymptur, hia mixd tta»d«ritig dufiny tht SerrUt). 

Maiik ox -tuK Wai.!., axd look n.U*UiT!" 



■akp SIM* nx Toija Kro ox tbat 



4 

I 



fii«"muK" wore ft coQft()«iit imtlh wUoh tome might eiteen a bit 

bona or able ; 
These bi>: 'una nrc ajit to lie urwkr, but eien k Titftn U traoDeeible. 
P, P. wtil nurse the deliuion that Notiwh *uah a* oar O. 0. 
" Ain't nover no gaai." " Let bin wme," cried P. P.. " tad I '11 

koDck him lo Fiji I " [PhirmMopy-ia 

And then tho "Oame GloWe" did oome. and faced him of the 
With tirndinf M, itmitnesn and ekili of which P. P. had nearpp au idoa. 
To Fiji hn wnuU tial b« »ent, and that (act ffavs the P. P, the fid fret* ; 
And he " landed " the P. P. to-right», and he dodged hU redoubtable 

diei'ta, 
And Obtmthobpe cried "Go for him, G.O.I" and G. Q. moat 

oertHinlf went for bim ; [upankR P. P. meant for him. 

He oughl to baVB bwu ewin " koMked out." hot tioaurd the hie 
Aai P. P.'h proud backers waiud muUi, and thtj- howled to their 

"Pef to demoliali liim : 
"Wire into him, P. P.!" they jolltxJ ; "brinj your right into play, 

and you'll polish htm." 
They were awful big Pvta, were those haekcra, Corinthiani hi(h and 

ezolotive, [and abuiiiT«. 

Who lliiiucht. they were cocks of Iha wnlV, and to prc^vii it w(irp hot 
Monoptiliit* mii^hly, I hoy fancied that Victnry followed Ih^ir banmira 
So rouoh a> a matter of conra*. thallhny dldn tbet-d loifio or manaera. 
Shakn handa with a " O. G."? Ob! no. Irifra dig. It waa 

moat condpicfnding 
To fight him— a mmroan' way hit confounded rreteosiooa of endlnir. 
And didn't he alox, th«ir P. P. f " Mighty t'leiar, that leat a pile- 

dri»er 1 
Oh I if it had only not home I But 0. G. 'a anoh a dod^tr and diver. 
Tbia HiU iin'twhat wo expected; t^t GarMTuoiLFit 's a deadly 

deotirtr. 
H« darce to adminiater iTuel. who ouiht to be grael-roodrcT. 
KoMltcd out, the 0. Q. F Not at all. No ; Ea ronud after round 

■dwM up WDiUng. CriliojC. 

How many Bora roondi will the fight lant P It'* tirinit and terribly 
Beat take the m«n out of the ring; the O. G., thongh a oad, 1* lo 

OJeTfT 
Tbat if i>nr F. F. i* not pumped, it seema likely to go on for erer I " 



AS ITALIAN PKACE-FEB8ERVEB. 

Pbhavelfiiia ehoQld. to raeilt iti nam*, b« the abodsol brotherly 
lore. Nominally, ju>t the plaoe tA to tofQrapeaoemak«r. lliartat. 
aooordingly. the Italian OofimmeDt has lately ordered a pieoe H 
ordnance which, it nay be hoped, will auawer its purpoae in «aM of 
need— a piuifioator in the ihape of a pneumatic dynamito gun. 

" TbUiun [■ lu thrrnr a ihcll cnntaining tOUpouniliufilj'ntiiiitcfjurailaa. 
The *otk of cwaatruFtloD bu been brgun." 

When it ahall haye been completed, may the work of eonatraotioB 
oontrihtite in Ifrrorem to render the workof doatmotioniumeoMury. 
Uritiah War Oiiioo, pleaae copy. 



A Look Ahead, 
(fakin attar reading ths acwuDt or tceont Uricket in luatralia.) 

Hosu and Ttntnis. of New South Walu 
Smu rattling good band* with the bat and theballa: 
Every eriukptlog zealot in England 'i a yeamer 
To buwl Bgaiust Mo^ES. or stand up tu TnfiBEB. 
The Auotroljati Team of thia yFoJ. Punch euppooM, 
Will Boarce turn out Tcilxeii. and hardly miu Hoatl ; 
And ao. in adtanoe. Mr. Punr.h Klidljr haiU 
TPiiNBK and Mosks of New South Walei I 



DuTUttUAXcin lit Roum CaraxnaAL.— The TaarieDf tn nnalA- 
ting the miioonduot of the London Itougha who invaded WwU 
mbsttr Ahhe^y, amoked pipei, aang aou)^ and to forth. Pvriiape 
Bomeof oar nice people went over to aaaut. No wonder they ware 
eridtntly " oi" the road to Bonen." 

A SkHIKS or RKCEKt A&ncLBS UC TBK "DiH-T TBtWHAHL"— 

Artkit* dt Lttfk't. 

MEaiiiTERriTirK.— The Suggestion of *Tw-«sa.»Si,'infc>A'«£ix>ai.'i- 
With taro other Utd»,ttifti Hii5Vi.\iM*Tt*iift-&».1rii«"'«**- 



I 



40 



PtTNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



tJAXUART 3:8. 189S 




to U&okiitd, bat lo the Fox ftnd the Ai( the lifflit of the 

Ki«a moon shone m Hrishtlr » the Bapia-brDirD sao. 
ey entered a Pioture QtXUrj &nd atoml in front of A 
paintiiKt by Mr. Wnisri.KK. 

■' What is it called ? " a«Ved the Fox. 

" A nootnms in yellow and bI»ok," replied the A«. 

" Oh, what maitniflcent hoe* i " cried th« Fox. in an 
Ktiuj oi sdniration* "look kt that tplub of pink 
lioQonoe, th»t daub of thot pno(>-TrTiiiilii>n lrip«, that 
•plutt«r of taway-Bn«en-|taml)0(tB aj)|il--tart [ '' 

"Yen," returut-d Ihp Aw. nl«i iti tL'sIolf ," and Oar 
MatttTii—ha! Im! ha!— oiii MoiUti ! vAn tM in thU 
revelatiun nu ooluiir at all I " 

The friendly oouplo then loft Iho Art Gallery and 
«nt«rod a de«erUd readinit-room. Inatinolirdy (by a 
Hnae not poiseiscd by mankind) they benunu acquainted 
with the oontente of a thimsand niodi'rn novelii. Then 
thev took up the inngnzineB and aoquirfd thiim. Neither 
of liitm went to t\e{-t> for a moment. Then tUoy attaokod 
the newspapers, waiilni; thmnith pagfn and pafo* of oor- 
re«p«ndflnoe upon all norta (jf the raoet nnint*rRiiting lub- 
jents. Finally thny poHBRssed th^maelvei of the oora- 
ments on Iho politioal ijuefliona of the day. They learned 
how Twibulkdom was a villain and TntDQi.anKa wai a 
knave, and that both were foi'U. 

" \m" said thy Fni, "ar« you eatisfiod with any- 
thing?" 

"Not with many thlofi," replied the Asi. "I KgrM 
with Mankind.'' 

"But, AM,aTeyiinntiafledwithiinythiu)t?"i>eni*ted 
the Foi. 

" Well, Fox, on the whole, I think I am tatUSedwith 
myMlf." 

■ And that is a Bomation that Mankind—our MaiUn .' 
ha— b»— ha 1— OTif Maitfri! eannot oiinouiTo 1 " 

But, in tpite of what the Fox had laid, the Am bad 
a foUnw-feclintt for Mankind I 



A SENSE OF PROPORTION. 

*' VA-WA-wa-w*TuiB F*-ri-rA-BAnA'HCKioT, xu, To«r 



RaTDKK FouuTi Viw. Bur, mt vxab Jack, tou Stauhir tri TDtu 
KORx n LoXMK Tii»» too DID IX NBwcAkTLt. BVMi ! How 'a that!" 

"L«-I.A-U-LA-LOXI>OJ( 'a TA-TA-TA-TMIt TIKU A* BA-kA-KA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BIO 
A f-P-L*CB, TOL- KSOWl" 



"LESS THAN (MAN) KIND." 

"Th« CimiliAr «o>U which •iirniiind4 m mar bu a IoIaIIt ilifTirnnt pUcata other 
animals: to Ilieai it uuy bo full □/ inutii vliigfi m oinnol be»r, lit eolour which w« 
sinnot i«, utwDialion^whioh wuBinnol conociic."— Si( JuiiJi Lrniioot oo TSt Si'iHi 

The Fox and the Am travelled alone the blue roade running through ptnk 
VTMt Bud ehaded by, white barked treea oorored with rainbow-hued Imtvs that 
towend milet tush ioto the ytUuw-aud-grcen-ipalB-nlni-ttriped-rupberry-iam 
eoloond Ay. 

'■Aee,*^ wldthe Foi. ioBToiceof thnnder, that sounded like forty million 
beet ■infrinit an oratorio to the accomniiniment of a doubU-barrnllea «t«Ba> 
worked eh uroh onton, " what aro thote M*n?'" 

" t'ox.," returned the Ab, in tonr* that made an Blephant, who wu havinf; 
a chat with a Black-hwtln, trumpnr away in t*rrur, "I fanoy they muet 

•ff ""*""" *'"' ''°'''' " P'*oarion« livtiliho'-d by attempting to please the nnh." 

The uerioiii Vi whom nlln«ion had thu» been miule were four in niunber. 
One baa an oranfrc fade, the wo'ind a blue one, thu third a ^reen one, and the 
Uet, one of a colour it ie impoteible to dceorlbo. but which reminded the apeetatoT 
ot_ eBitbqoakoi, thnndorbolta, and brau oaila mixed tojrethtr into a sort of 
mneral pc«-»onp with i^mith mixture and mnrnjnUde. Thty were MeminRly 
npuding and oompreeMUt- llitir oheeku, with a visw to filliag iomo cariou* 
looking inatramenta, miln tunr, with air. 

" Aai," taid the Fox. "Ihese Men are what our Muten— ha! hal hfll our 
Martcri .'—call a German Band." 

" Fox," replieil the Ais, "and thoae fooli, onr Hut^ra— Uut«n I hoi hal 
hnm I - think they are onlf makinir a nniw. We, on the other hand, are able 
to diiitin|rui«h in thi* Boiaa Buie that Ur.n eui niiT«r appn-oiate ! " 

Lnaghing m iMiea that r«rerberat(d for mUlion* A mile*, the two aniraala 
weW«v3^ Jtmo th» ctnmtrr *ad foUred the town. It w»i now. quite dark 



HONOUIiED IN THE BREACH. 
Trs Centenary of Bthon's birth, and no Celebration, 

no Statue, no Ode, no Oration, no anythinfcl "Greek 
meet* Greek,'' indeed, in honour of the hero of MiBM>< 
longhi, hut Engliahmen eeem too busy mni^dwinc 
whether SnxEiVKAkE wrote hla ownpky*, to gire a mm 
thoQifht t^i the author of ChiUk Hitrnld, which, perhap* 
thfy will presently attribute to Sir tlDUPaar DatiI 
Happy BtKOS, to eeoape the apaima of the Onahenj 
the epe^obe* of the Notoriety-hunters, the libelling* of 
the Image-msker* 1 Oa tuoh t*rm« one would oven bo 
an Immortal Bird. For ImmortaUty wonld be taltrable, 
hut fur ite Cent«nariea I 



LOUD CHAHLK9'8 FAREWELL. 
(JAXvAat la,) 
"Fabkwri-lI" orioiCaAHLKs. 

" Away I awayl 
In the G>}vemmnat VMiel I 'U 

not iitay. 
I can't uuderetacd, in epito 

ofyour tipe. 
The Hamiltonntre of your 

ship*. 
So belay I belay I Lord Salix- 

BDRKB, 

Fwewi'll, farewell to the 

Admiraltce I 
If Tou ciperieaoe Aown't 

ten ph. 
You 'II loH the B«a as you'te 
"Tir! lirl" loat your SwfA," 




"THflTRB p'Appi.ti^iTion,"— Thia Konndj Uk» mnl 
work. Capital notion Ihi* : atheatre,— notwhorejrwn (tot 
wata by application for orders, oh, no,— but where tte 
bnat cliLa.iiu works aru pcrfunnrd by pupil* of tha Om- 
nerTntoirc belore a mixed audienoe of «ubnorib«ra. Tlw 
Managcra of this Theatre aru the leading French Aotme, 
who are alao teachers of thu histrionic art. With aoeh 
a "Dramatic College " the English Stage might b« gtVeO 
honorary rank m a profeaaion. lnEnKl"ndprirBt««nt«r- 
priee would anrely bo an cioflUent aubstitati for Gowtb- 
meo t nibvention which the Freneh ConaeiTatoire po i iew w . 



r 



Javdart 28, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAItl. 



41 




UASTEB HAULET MIKIMUS AND nis HOTnER. 
jliuMtr Suffaitn/or Mr. WOtonBatTttt. 



A RE-MOVINQ TALE. 

"A VuMj rtola r<xii F>od*," qnoth T. pleMUitlj istcrriawiDK 
wnamr Bamuett, «ft«r U* Md Im» M Md nutatiMd bj- > ihun 
fonutoif-nn dnvinf off with iriitt tka othar nmt«. the lUr. 
Mr. rn>i.Kr. woold Imt« odled Ua " nwla ud alwt-tel>." 

W. B. tkoob buk )Ub uabmdal loeki, m ho replwd, bitUrtf, *' No 
FuiT. tar friend, bat a Tui Dtaun wh it who ttoln my piMnertie*. 
Aa Shylotk hath it— or aancUiiu Ttry like it, if mtmorv holdetb 
nili iu tMt in thia dbtnuted bnuo— 

'* Tlity itkt nj hsiitr. wiirn tbnjr do t*ka tha ' prep* ' 
That do lUitua hit hoiue." 

" To thick, too," he ooatinnnd, " that tbii cnitilT, whom for want of 
abtttff nam* I will oall Oiboer— for h« '* a hot 'nn ii Oiboib " 

"Ejt«aM me. W. B.," 1 obicrTtd, " but a moat reapeotable 
Vniaiaei of nefiv ninatrolijr bnitrf that appi^llatinn." 

" I ciFaDt not him," rrolifd tho Trtt(t»dinn, " 1 mean the Qinirer- 
hair«d GcntlFtnin who oallnd at nij bouic and had the tSruntcij' to 
daolaiv ho caran on my hf half." 

" Vcs, ke cailrxi you ' the Gnv'nor,' " 1 aaid. 

" ftcdfclr ; and he told the «erving-neti that ' tho Our'nor'a ordcn 
tctr* ordota.' " 

" Ha wu richt there," I remarlcod. "Yon bare Irindlf giTsa me 
jour ordera before now, and I am boand to admit " 

"AndtO««nlh<T." inlerruphd tho Uanacor. 

"Thaywene, and did ao," 1 ntuncd. "Bat I hare advice for 

If 



'Name it." he aaid. 

I'.Thia it ia." I wMt OB : " iJiTodiiioe a pieoe whioh tnrna upon " 

8omii thconr of kleptomaua f " he'aiked, diadainf ully. 

' Ko, W. B., *aid 1; "on no new theory, hut on an ubstraotion. 
Lot 'Willanona Wilukd' be tho Dhirf of the robbt»: and ia 
Art JI. Ut him cotue with tht- van and Btcal the propertic*. In 
Act III. let him tuott jou iilayinjt the part of a Itural Dean 
^oij will look noellenLly well in a, »ho»ei liat, eooirolcd with a 
May larland,— an ideal Unral IJuan), and bo tn oreroooio by your 
cloquenoe (.Slms and you tugothor nan ouncuat tho caokle), that he 
raatorea you all your lost fumitaro." 

"A etrikinic drnmatic nilnatioiLl " eiolainiadJW. B., hit fljw eye 
ia tnuxr roUinfi: like anything. 

'■ And then the gailty (refllure tittinit in front — - " 

" Ahal I M* it all ' he cried, aa if auddenly ineptred. 

" Tbe roilty omlurc. litlinit nt Iliit ptaj, 
VIU lile him haRii'ViinIa, und mp'Olaiil cry, 
* I dU the deed, the drrd oT dcatUcia ihamv, 
I alale (by " propi ! " 1! "GiHDaa"iimy oatno! 
Tb* aane on me bn(u«rd by cyniu theO. 
Han to thy hoiue 1 kde me with ■ oert, 
Aad all th* rumiiun thai ooot I barreired 
I reader but afain, •« Ihnu <rilt pkriea ma>' " 

" BnTO I Bncer* ! " I ahoatod, enthoaiaatiMllr. 

H* rcappeand tn front of the window Mrtaia (b^ind which be 

■ Mr.'W.BaHarrrliaiiTulflBtlyWaoetudyiat Ut. KoDiaT Bauwame') 
~ r«««Bt JkUIm Ttnce.— Ed. 



had made an exit on finiahing hit epoeeh), and bowed. Kot haTini 
a wroalh handy 1 threw him a batton-bola. Anin he bowed, ana 
there were tear* in hi» Toice,— which can be produced by Ihia (real 
artUt at o tninnlc'i nolioe, or leai if cirdered the day befDrtbacd.~aa 
ha thanked na aad begas a&«thar ajioeeh. 

"Star," I laid, polttaly iottRnptmc Us at tiia ooKOuneoeaent 
"LatnetaUroo, WofaJti>,n«r« jvn mar mA tcw r>oda and 
chaOeU." 

"WheraP Oh, teU nul" ha erlad; "and how km«. hvw hmc 
will it take ne to irel there ?" 

■•"Within the oeiKhbourhood of Oiford Strte* Uiera ia a ahop 
wber* la written on ' Old Kttraitara and Piotorea rtatorad.' Try 
that. Good day." Ho I loft. 



GIVING THE ODDS— BAR ONB. 

lirjM U mojf torn* to <r "Jfr. thtteOtr' «« kU tMV.) 

SnOTK— /ntonor q/ tie JUaj/al CenrU. Aa App»^ irinf htarJ. 
JuJgM ON (A* Seitch. M*tiA*r» </ (A* CoMmed Pri/tuiot* 
oee-pyntf not* onet moitepaiitej by lh4 Bar, 

FirtI Juda* {addritttng Btnall AdeacaU). We Bra Bot Qsita 
aMuatoDacd to th* n«w iUt« of thisg*, hut ia it Mt vraal for 
Baraolittora b> waar roboa f 

SmaUAdeoeaU {aatd IC). B'iMTe 'Ui. m'Lod; hut, fast ia. I 
am bara m behalf e< Mr. Jomr, th* BataoliaUr, who ia away aminr 
a writ m a elienti who reiiikire* ipaeial attention. 
Firit JvJm. I vaflpeae tou are Mr. /onae'i Maaattinft Cierk f 
Snutil AAoevl*. Ho, m Lud. Ur. Bbowx.Ut. Ju!id'!i Uaoannf 
Clerk is eneened in Chamljere before a Chief Cterk, who ii eettltnc 
the rvtnaaeration of a reo«iver. Very importast matter, m'Lnd. 
Firil Judat. Then, who are vou F 

Small AdrotaU. 1 amoueof Mr. Jora'ajmuor iJerfca, a'Lad. 
Firtt Jw^e. And what are your datiM P 

8maU A/roeale. Well. m'Lud. QiuaUy tO anfat la tk« twarpJag 
oat of tha olGoe, the writins of the addjeaMt OB Uu «av«lopea and 
«noh lik«. When 1 'm not duinK that, 1 have the plaamra of eiddreat- 
iniryoQr J.adaUjH. 

Firil Jwdgt. Baa a junior clerk who uaiita in awMpinK out the 
offioe aa an ordinary dnty tho rijiht of andiAnoe t 
Serond Jtidf* (a/'er tuniulUng aulhiirxty). Clearly. 

[Tft poinii out pauagt to hit eolUagut. 
Firtl JvAge {addreiting Small AJciKott], I tee that you havo the 
rijht of eadionce. You uau prooeed. 

Small Adpoeatt. Thank yuu, m'Lud. Al I wa( aayine wheD 
your I.udihip was kind cnuujth to inttrrujit me— aa 1 waa aaylof , (he 

other day 1 wai ruiduijt a law book in ma»ter'a dtambera " 

Stennd Judge. Can you cive tbe name of your aulhorily Y 
Smnll AdcacaU. WoU/in'Lud, to tell yoa tho trath, I quite forget. 
1 fancy it wax UiCHA-UDa or Kouektii. or a^mebody who had a Cula- 
tian Dame for a aumame. The beck was ail oboat " Subetantial 
Eitatet" I think. Yo», I fancv it mu»( have bc*a — JMrsrlt on Sai- 
aCanliiil Ettalrt, Somnthing like that, you know, m'l.nds. 
Firil Jiidffr, Coolii it have bmin H'lV/iami on Rial Proprrty T 
Small Adrvfalf. Why, I do belieTfl. m'Lud, y™ have hltthanatl 
onthertitht head! Weil, m'l.nda, I r«ad in thia hero book that 
waato waa quite different in Law than in faot. Bo I bcHeTo mv 
client wan only eierclainit hie juat rijtht when he cut down the wood 
in rt:ar of tbe ])rcmi»ee. He never waited it, m'Lud*, bnt ooM it at 
a food Jiripp. [Arffuti/vr an hnur or to, 

Fi'-'C Ji'df {at rnd of argument). Wo ehall j[ive our declaton on 
Tu«edav wc*k. (litad tilenet.) li there no other matter f 

Aged BiirtoluUr. Hem— ha— ho. B'liere, m'X-orda, no other oaee 
ready. Fact ia, m'Ix>rda— hom— ha— ho. Counael olherwiae 
en^artd. Faot ia, m'liorda— hnm— ha— ho. One Banoliiter ia 
Hnuhinit a Bill of Coela, another reofiying initrnctioo about 
Martian Settlemant, and— hem-ha— ho— and a third oxamioinj 
6eoiiriltee in a box at tbe Bank. My own learned loader, Mr. 
Siu'tnTONOCE, Q.C., ia at thia moment— hem— ha— ho— particu- 
Urly engaged. Faot ia, n'Lordi, Mr. SlLmaiOjrnci, Q..C , ia 
acting oa a man' in poaaeaalon dnrinc tlie temporary abienoc of tho 
mriaentative of the Sheriff. 

ji&tf Judfi. Aa there appeara to be DOthlnx farther on the paper, 
wa nmat adjonm. but I cannot help poiotiiic out that the mlxinf of 
fnnctionB, onoe kept dlatinot, eaneta at timee oniaidmable inoooTe- 
Bieso*. [_Seiu* eba ee an on <A« a^aumnunt. 



OLCOmoBM' Fon rax Otioarmos,— Wo boar thai a dionar iitobe 
ifnabr eome artittic lympathLien with tiir Couna Lihbut in hi* 
recent Oroiveoor OaUery difflWtiaa. Tlie foUowinf form of intar- 
rogatory by Way of invitatUB saay pouib'.y ind fawnr with tha 
Uroerenor Ualler>--iteo— " Vvvin-vavx HalW »u AeweirS" -; 3»«w^ \ 
■wiedquelUhturel" " 1 iotj ^euraa iiwAt» ™ Cat^ . \ 



I 



I 



fM 



i 



PUNCH. OS THE rX)NDON CHARIVARI. 




THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 
''On. I AH M fujuk:> to ii4kb touk irqu^iMTiHoi, Mr. H'Grcmf! I bavi uiakd or Yoir axd touk Wobu fob svib bo 

lOKO — IBB LAW T«« OK FifTBE* YkI-BB, I iM HVKMl" 

"You HiaET BAT! HMBD or Mb um nt Woku ro& tub last Futt Tbam, Minuil" 



THE NEW "Jin^CTION." 

ScSSB— ^WmtT-fiikz on (tit Amilgamattd T. and L. U. Liri't, at (A« 
nem Si. SCepfien't Junctiim. Fint and Saoond Pointjnen iin 
dUeaverti '' taking a hoh rounii." 

A>(( roiflfiTnan. What k lot (jf Ur«n I 

Stpond diltf, {ttoUdly). Ab! 

.f'lf t( ^iVfu. I wiab you wauUo't klwayi (By " Ah ! " 

Stfond ditto. Oh I 

Firn ditt'i. Huns it bII. cor "Ohl" luither. I hate b mooo- 

(>;Ilkt>io miimohknee lort uf ■ ohom. 
S*("<ui dittci. Weil, joa '11 have plentjr of polyiylUblea preitn'Jy, 

i( th»t '• any comfort. 

Fint 'iitto. Who'd b« b PointmBn? (Sing*.) 

Wli«n a PoiDtiman is engaged inlhu tdpfofmeDt, 

SreonJ ditlo. ilia empluytnect, 

Firtl ditto. And attendiBg to hit leven aod.liia diali, 

Steond ditto. And hi* dial*, 

Firtt ditbr. Hit (aoilitiea for ioDOoeat Mjuyment 

Stfond ditto. 'C*nt (DJoyment, 

Firtt diiin. Are rtilrieUd. 'Ti) the l49mUe*t of triaia — • 
Steond ditto. 'BUit of UiiU. 

Firil ditto. Our tmoUoDa wc, of ooune, miut ■ternly »mnthir 

S»e<md ditto. Sternly iniather, 

F\rit diitv. Whoa thi* moet important daty ' ■ to be don* 

SffATid ditto. Ti) be done, 

Fint dili/i. Rut, lako ono oonaidCTation with another,- — 

AVrylnit •tittv. With BQOthfr, 

Pint dittn. A PuintamaD'* life 1* not a happr one. 
BolK. When Ihia nry orf et>t duty 'a to m done. 

To b* dooe, 
A PiiiDtaman't 1if« it not a happy otui ' 

Firtt ditlu. Ahl well adapted, ircll aaiUiaed. I f<Ml a Ixttio 
btlt«r oflcr that hunt. Oh I if m oaiild only moro often taks a 
'iilbrrtian view □( uur buiincail But it't too irj-ioiu fur that. 



Firtt ditto. Hbqs it, Habtx, there you are agalD ! 

Second ditto. Haven't mo»id yet, Sollt. 

Firtt ditto, NeTBT do move till yon'redriren to it. Well, well. 
we're got our work out out here. ?Iow that yonr Company it to 
run ita trains over our lines the Irvdii will be rai>re t«DgIed than 
ever— bliKik* mora iikriy, ouUieioos mure diffioult to avoid. 

Srrnnd ditto. And more neoessary ti> l/t avoided. By, Jove, it we 
get oollidtDg now, we thnll make a rocia* of it. 

Firtt diltn. Yet. I.«t'e tee {looking at Irvrri); niuit kt«p a 
speoial eye upon ihat " Lnoal" train ; toiiah-and-go thin^ to work 
Ihnt )n utely, I ei^ot. Ah I {Sinai.] 

When the '* Fiyiug Irishman,'' ia not a flybg, 

Second ditti. Not B-flying, 

Fir$t ditto. When the" Sootoh Eipreta," ianot bofoteit ttime 

Seamd ditto. 'Forc it* time, 

Fiftt ditto. There'll bo lota of catual "Spcoioli," which bm 

trying, 

Stcnnd ditto. Which are trying. 

Firit ilitin. And the telegrapkt go oliokjug like a chiiae, — - 
Second ditto. Like a chime, 

Firtt ditto. I '11 bebJoaJthttt " Local" leadt to lot* of bother, 

Stfond ditto. Lota of bother. 

Firtl ditto. CouM we ahunt it— which wo oao't— it trouU be 

ton 

Second ditto. Would be fan. 

Firtt ditlo. Yah! Take on« contiderntion with another. 

Sicand ditto. With another, 

Firtt dilfv. A PointamitTi'i life ii fint a hapny one. 

Both. Wben our coonilioattd dnty't to bu dune, 

To be done, 

Th« Tuiattman'a life iinot a hapjty one 

Happy One 1 
First ditto. I Ihink the«, StFLLivtH, for teachiii^ m« that aonx. 
Strand ditto. Ye« : but WD mustn't be I'lpiflK >' too ofl«n or too 
loud. Hiirht rotue »uipieioD, you kuuw. and if it reachM the cut 
of tbo driven and guard ■, mi g lit make 'em lute talth in yoa— and 
mo— which would never do. 




Jakvast 38, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



45 



ISrtlJdlo. Phewl RaiiMd oiitci " Ahi! " uul " Hnrapbil" at 
Iwtt But jon're right. Ha&tt, my hay, yoa're right. When 
Ikuobcm beguu BiV- ballsing mnrt 0M««. And (he time '* at huid. 
TliB flrtt pailiamentarj' is n.iarl; do*. NoiT ttint mir two Gira- 
pwuM ara <Dzsiic!!taiilj Mailganit,uA, m ought to do jtood buuneat. 
Bat I mutt keep a sharp look-out irben the trilSo b«<^iiu. 

S»ee»il diU^ So mast 1 1 [Z,^ tookmg out tkarptjf. 



A NEW LIGHT. 



Wb ■IwnU lOco to uk a qaeition, which d^ply afffCta mir Moial 
udpaUtiBal lil«, «»i>ei.'ti=i,- Mr. GmmuK, Mr. Bdems, Mr. Htkb- 
MUI, ud all the SMialtelia and Cotsmaaisliu leaden whose wordi and 
<U«da «xet«lae w peniieioiu an inflaeDoe on the onednoated. The 




Bntinlf New Fioale for a PuUmiinc. 

JmrtiOB ii thia— Wert thty, iit their {/outh, taken regularly to iM 
'mtlomniiM f If bo, their eatiinile of the Police Koroc- (trnerolly, 

M WMBpUfted hj their and thttr fnUowerB' Ireatment ol " BobbiM, 
ia diatbiatlf traoiiable Xa thcw early leiaonn i^irea Uium by Mcssn. 
Clown and Pantaloon. There ia no inch •tfeotive teaohina u that 
by eiampld, and tha example let, even in the moit briel modem 
Wlcquinadi:, by ovtrybsdy's ontrnjfeou* oonduot towards the Polioe- 
man, u limply auwing tha wind to reap the whirlwind. 

A« in any nahtly p-iniitriifitiid mi^Iiidraina poetic jiiitine ia always 
■atiificd. and ihe dct^'Olivfi, however hn may have fuiled durinit four 
Acta, invariatily iiiiPi>*dii in arrfjitiiiB the apmindrpl in the Glth, ao 
a Pantomime ought to flniiih with the triumph of Kight and Mijjht, 
■a tha pflraon of the Polio*in*n, over low ouoninf and outraneous 
rawitmnet to all aothoritr, at t-mbodivd by the PanUloim and CIowd. 
Hw ififliieiice for Kix>d Ihivt [lautumimic t^aehin; niiKht tliua convey 
it iSMlenlable. PreTVOtioa it bett«r than cure: tormationof oba- 
raetar ia better than Nformatioa.. Let iu begin at the beitinninK— 
With PaBtoBiiM. 



LEGISLATION FOR TJIR SESSION. 

Local QorcmmeBt mmtn't atop tha way. T>et thers be ons Bill 
iKVOriit tit for puHinc a atou to all nuoh prooesaions— iooludinK bodltt 
of fluntiociata tramtiinK about on Sundays with Uimbuurinc girls, 
■ad bud of mtuict ^"Mnaiol je (iudsl")— as have uut reooiTed 
poliM pnrnioios for ona oeoaaion only. 

AnoChar Bill i> wanted fer dealing; luramaTily with organ-grinders, 
•trett-eianra. and all other aimiU^ diiturbnrs of the peace, so that 
If ■ bmueboldei or loniq one anting ai hia agBnt, givm any of these 
"■"—"ft ut» outodr, a papvT iignod by him and the constable, 
■liall b* BsSoirat to warrant a eonnntion. Two novfrtiigns Sne tor 
fiwt oBwaa . iamtiwBMant with hard labour for second, and for the 
third, parprtxuJ baalabment from P.ngland with tha latt penalty of 
tbo Iaw ia cue of tbair retnming with i^e same deadly parpoee in 
vi«w ; i.4., tha dMtrucAion of the peace and qniet of Her Hajetty'i 
sabjecta. 

Al so wutMLa Bill to Ax certain spots oulBide a four-mile radius 
bom Chtxiif VtHM, where any upen-airputilie merliuK may beheld, 
«tf whlA tho OenmioiuDcra of Policu must receive at leut a clear 
lerty-eigbt hom^ notioc^ 



OUR ADVERTISERS. MUSICAL. 

WHEN THE CHII.DKEN ARE AWAKE. By the Author ol 
'• TThen the Children are jliUtp." Thia thnnderingly soo- 
oeasful tong which hat alm>Mt reached its second edition, i* now 
pnbliahed in lifteen keya:— 

'■Abl Ute aaaabing eferery window-pane, 
And th* iok-«at> teattert^ ibout hke rain. 
With a Babel Bt to lum one'i brain, 



When the Fhiidren arc avake.' 



VJ 



B 



LOWKtt AND CO.'S NEW SONGS. 



T 



HE CHIMBLEV-SWHEPER. BotsirTL 



T'VE LOVED TOO 8ISC8 LAST TUESDAY WBBK. 



Wauiiroi. 



/^NLT A SfilLLISG FAUSl OwnrToDBS. 
T~ET~ liE DINE AQAIK! LxuuROioir WhosT 



Q 



HI TAKE THIS TOOTHACHE BACK. Solixuh. 



UPON THE JASPER STAIRS 1 Thla beaotif ol and thrilling 
and pitnsionate tong ean be siiDgeTen witliabadinfleDaaoold, 
with the moat magnetic »ffeot. Tho pathetic worda of th* refrain 
neT«r failing to tonoh tbe heaita o1 the mott humoroualj inotiued 
drawine-mon andienM. 



U 



PON THE JABPER STAiaa MoMO by Bafctom. 
by Johumx But^z. 

I paued the Agita gatti, aoj, oh '. 

Broke on my tran^d (aaf, and eo 

I turnad mo te a scaL 
I eould not t^m what they w«i» at, 

Bui tomeone noavana 
BfinoTnil my obnir ; when, lo E I nt 

Upon Ihe Janper glsirs ! 



Words 



JABWICK utii LONGFORD 8 NEW SONO. Mafbamnfby 
anybody, anywhere, anyhow 1 

NEWHAVEN ItBSr. The Pnbliihota of the admirably tonoh- 
iuK song, "Thi Latt Oinnibut" have much d«ligbt in atito- 
niahiiw Uie Puiilio with another thrilling Now Song by the same 
unriTalled Composer. 



^TEWUAVE^' REST. By the Composer of -TAe /.«.( Omm'iw." 
S The merry bpil is ringing gleotuliy for the d< partnrn of tho 
vnsel. and as the old man totters to the forepart to make, in OMopany 
with his tittle KTandubild, the cheaper Channel paestge aeroai IrOB 
Dieppe, he looki aniioQaly beyond the pier-head, and flxaa bla gase 
on trie troubled sea outside with^ a gloomy stare. 

N'EWHAVEN REST. By thoCompaeerof " rAc'iojrf OmmAtM." 
His tittle grandfhild hag left him now to look at the Engines. 
The old man, still with a haggard g«7o, cipreiica U> tbo ateiratd in 
dom'i show, that ha is feeling unoomlortahlo. The latter checrity 
telU him that he had better " get below," and. htlpiog him down th* 
oabin-ataira, deposit* him o n a sofa. 

NEWHAVK.'rRK3TrBythcCompoawot"r4*i^a(bnit«Ji«." 
But the old man stiUes in thn «tnHineia beneath, and after 
muuh diftliialty, is onoo more pushnd no BRU-m on to the dock. Ho ia 
prostrate on a heap of tarpaulins by the vi>imI's aide, and hia little 

Eranduhild notices that hia faoe is graot. When Baked to pay hia fare, 
e feebly shakes his head. 



NEWHAVEN REST. By the Composer of 'TA* /.«*( Omni?<Ht." 
But aU ia now oror. The Tesset has entered the port, and as 
tho old man, the rays of the setting sun gilding his (ujmewhat 
dishevelled appearance, ia staggering iip tbo ladder for the shore, 
being quite oU his head, ho f anoioe be hoara ■ choir o( angel roioea 
singing frum the Befreehmnnt Room the beautiful refrain — 
'• To stay beloT veuld hare bean lieil; 
Still, burn 'i XewbaTen I Too 'n at rMl I " 



A GENTLE DUSTMAN'S HEART. 
Composer of "A Maiden Fair." 

Bis onlume may joar t»te nirpiiss, 
You m»v not like hli cart : 

But lay, oil ', wh; should you dtepise 
A gsnUo I>Ditmao'i br«rt 1 



THB LOVE THAT LA8M A MONTH. By the Compoear of 
'■ / Laufhtd amiJ mv Tear:" Published in A. C. D. E flat, 
and seven iharpi, and sent Poot-frM anywhere for Twopence. 

Upioionaof thePr«u:-^"8ar« to bo popular in a welL-taaaaviA. 
Iviatio asylum."— rAe H'apptnq Jew' » Barf . 




New 



46 



PUNCH, OR THE LONUON CHARIVARI. 



Jasuabt 28, iatS. 



MB. FUHOH'3 EZ&ttlKATION PAPERS FOR TOUHO PEOPLE. 




^— tXw uVj 



coBTicnoH hfti hetn borne in 
upon Mr. Punch of Itte that— 
wnnlher from the etigiYiidoe 
natnre of iniiAfra ftirW and 
bo;*' occupations, or tbeir pre- 
ference Ifir cmtAinporar; and 
r*iali«tio fiction— the study of 
Fairy Tale and ouriery lore. 
U fa«t talliufc into ntglect— if 
not [m )■ iMily too much to lie 
lemrtdj into i-iiilive ouut«Di[it I 
Tbe disailTautaff«8 to & child 
in after-life of naving hern 
nllumd to jirow up in oumplct«. 
or r\m pairtial iKQoranue of bu 
eestutial a brauali of a liberal 
iduc'iitioii are too obvious Vi bo 
enumerated, and Mr. Punch is 
niuiuiiB to do all in bis power 
to alert what be cannot bat 
coniidor a national calamity. 
In tiina^i days there Ja but one means of ttlmulitting or reviTing a tlafr^'i? 
deparlmtnt of knowledKO— ws raak* it the sabj^ct of onmptilnory or comI^«tlliv* 
etamiiialti'n. and )o Mr. Punch, rtluctant as hci is to incur the r«evutinent of 
his yoiinit friend* byproposinit any aiidilion U> their douHlens nuiri«ri.Tiis tnik". 
(mIs it a duty, ner«rtneIvM,to tti|t)(^*t tii parents tbat noohild rboulilbe albwv<i 
oQ any pr«1«it in future to leave the Niiraer^ tur School, until it haa passed 
oredilably einne such elimination as is indiuated btlow. It trould nut be 
nNexary, of cvuibc, to rt')uin< Dandidat«s to take up the whnlt of the works in 
quMlion. which would l-erhaps imiiose too ardu'ius study upon the yuun^tcr 
Keneratioa. 'Iha best plan is to sulect suub portiuos from each as will give the 
yauriR students a fair guHural idaa of. the ttyte and subjeoC- nutter of our 
grea'iMt nurwrr olasiins, 

3tr. Punch n»p<B that no parent will think it neooiury to lend his ohttdren 
to a " Xnraery- Crammer " to rw propirtd for this examination, and that the nse 
of an abitraot. or " mcnwriii-lirchiiica" will be disooura^Pil as far as poasiblc. 
It «hfiuM he sdded that tbn osndidate is expected to dn thi-na pap«rs u-ithntil. any 
bif'kt irhatii'rr at his elbow, and that, appeals I'l elder pertons for their aatittanoa 
should be met with stem and uniiiniihinif refusal. 

The toUoirinr iineations, though s<'nrubin^. will not, Mr, Puneh oonsidert, 
prove too sei-ere for students of any industry and iat«llic«iio«. 
(A) Sft SnwiCTs;— 

" Jsrk the Oiant-Killer " (Jlrsl loo ehaptm). 
" pHM in liiiols '' (sriecUd portiiint), 

''AliclJin " ifrom eommencrinent~to the Vanitknta »f tht Magte P^lact). 
"Blutbfxrd" U*'>eAoM. 

" Sindhad the Bailor " [Sceond Vnyailr ohIji). 
" All Baba " and " The Babes in tno Wood "' [i-kcUd p.irtivnt). 
1. Hontion and critioiao the conduct of Morgiana after discovering the Forty 
Thieves in the Oil- jam. 

3. Should you b^ inelintd to oall Put* in BwiU a ttrfotly truthful animal f 
S. What were th* oircnmstanees that led Ciitn'm Saba X/i tho eonoluiion that 

AH bal >uddealy become rieh f What ukc did he make uf his dtBOuvery ? 

4. Uistvitw. as tally «a you are able: — 
jo) BlurbrtiTat Chamlwr. 

,tj The balls and tirraeu where the Wonderful Ijamp wa« found. 
,f) The ehict phyaicaJ and geoi^pliioal feature! of Iho coustry nt the 

top of Uic Bcanitalk, 
r>. At about what time of tbu year did the Bahet in the Wnwf perish P How 
do you 111 thi" ffum inleraal KviiJcnce? Is it itatwi that they had eatan any- 
tbiajprcTiooiiy which was at all likely to disagree with them f 



G. Sketch canoisely the main iaoidente in tbe lilt of 
AUtiidin, from the time he found the Hsfio Lamp to th* 
disappoarancn of the Palaoe. 

7. State all you know of Cojia Buba, Snroun Alrat- 
ehid, Alii-t: the Mother of Jack and tht BfisntUtlk, the 
Marfan of CarnU; Stili-r Amu. Btauty'* Father, 2t*d 
Billing Hood") Grandmother. 

(B) CniTiCAi. USD OKNica*!.. 

1. What is your opinion nf the intelligenne of iOianla 
u a raoB? Of what substance were they in the habit of 
making their bread f Would you draw any and what 
diitinoiion between [it] Oisnta and Oiantesae*. Ih) Ogre* 
■ad Ogresses, (c) a Hamma Ogress and her daii2ht*rs f 

3. What Is a lino t Wbst do Row feed on r If yon 
were on the edite of steep clilla sarton&dinjf an ioaCM*- 
sible Taltey. strewn with diimoodl Ud vUlt«d by Bm*i 
— bow wuuld you proceed in ordier to obtain ioim Of 
those diamonds P Give the reply of the Slave of Ihe 
lAmp to Aladdin'i request thJat a roo's egg shoold be 
huQg lip in his dome. 

X. Mention in«tanoei when (d) a Ifoif. (ft) a Star, 
(c) a Cut, id] a Harp, are reoordid to hare spoken, a&d 
give the aabstanDe of their remaiks, when possible, in 
each oase. 

4. Write drawn the nnmeof any bro you can remember 
who luSered inoonvenience from la) the imprudt^noe, 
III) the disobedience, of hi* wife. 

'>, Bow wuuld you act if j'ou were invited to go to a 
psrly on the opposite side of the way, and bad nothing 
to (0 in but a pair of Seven. Lea i^utd Il^iott Y t'oroparc 
tbi- drawbacks and advantages of gviing to a State Ball 
in iclass rlipiiers. 

0. Htate which fftnily Ton would ratli'r belooir to: 
One in which there was (i.) a Wicked Unole, (il.) an 
Kuvioua Sut*7r, ^iii.) a Jtalous Brolher. or (iv.) a Cmel 
titi'pmother 'f GiVL' your rdasons, and lUustralv them by 
txuoiplcB. How many Wicked I. ncles do you rumomber 
to have read of ? Are Wicked L'nulescvor eurry, and, if 
BO. when ^ 

7. Give any instances that occur to yon where It la 
stated that the chief personages of the itory '' alt lired 
happily ever afterwards." Are there any oioeptiatu to 
this rule ? 

(C) Pairaoit EU s Pa pxk- ( Optional, and for Ihott StaitnU 

unly whii may dtctdf to " tjiki up" thti braneh of 
tha iidytrt.i 

1. Did the manner*, Langnim, and B«n«rBl deport- 
ment of the varioiii Kings and Uaetssyou faav* MMt in 
Pantomimes eurreapoud at all with what yoa had espMtid 
Ibem to be from the books ^ 

•1. Mention any fairy tale in which (1) loDK fcalletl, 
(2] allueious iii subjects in last year's papers. \fi) jokM 
about " driuks " and " pawn- tickets." (1) comiu dneta 
which you didn't quite understand, ajid [6] men dressed 
up in women's olothes. occur. Uention <l( you ow) any 
Pitntomime in which Ihev do not. 

n. Were you lurpritej lo hear at Drury Lane that the 
King who befriended the Marqnit if Carahai was cff iK-in- 
ally a Potman t* Dd yon remember this in the cirigtQal 
teil? 

4. Whv do yoa inppoac that the Winked BroUicr* ia 
this year s Pantomime wvre frightened by green inskes, 
piuk liiards, and enormous frogs F Did their own «x- 
pUnation that thev had"the jumps" convey much to 
fOumlnd? Did tliiii BCtioe make you laugh ? 

&. Ofre as clear and intelligible an aceount as yoa are 
able of the eti)ry of »ny one Pantomime you have !>••« 
to, mentiuiiing whera— tf at all— it departed fron the 
verdiijn yi.>u have studied, and whether or not yoa coa- 
■tdered such dtparlures (if any] to be itnprovtmenta. 

6. Inventtgale ihe principal pe<;nIiariMes of PaotomiM* 
Animals. How da they ehirllv ditltr from other aninuliF 
Dricnbe the elleot of kindness upon a PaatoniaS 
))onkoy, and acoount lor it. 

y,B. — Nnt mart than four qiiettvm* need ht atlemvltd 
in "ich if tht abiiTf Paptri. Ca^didatt$ art adnMtd not 
to Uart liny fursfurn unati4fnpl4d Jrotn a mrrt inabUiIll 
to amtcir rtery part of tufh queitum. 



of ITtitrt* offered but 

>Mr. 



At thb VirDKvn,LK.— /jrotrl 
little attraction to the public, so Ur. TnoKVK ia tryinr 
npuu them the F-Jidnalion of Mil* J IT and Ur. 
BuiUi.v.iN. What will be the Manaier"! next itep? 
Pat dt t'liicination f 




Jakvut iH, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



^7 



BALLAD OF BATHYBIUS. 

" BaflylMH ■ name Kiim bf Pn>r«wat Hruiv (a i grl*ijnnui luhiiHocr fnuinl hi ihc botUm of ih* AlUniio OcMn, mi 4t Sral luppotRl ti> b« ■ 
temlta BUI OfllTinic |>rotM:1iMin, Wtiww tvnrdeduu inomnio pUM^ipiUW."— y^i tlit'hnary. " BalhyiiiH.ttom two Gttek »o[d» mcanioi: ' Iho 

d.q^■ »d • ifc. Ufr.' -'-iif r. /Mf^* Cbftt 

Chorm vf JUirmaidi, 

Sulphat« of lime hts ia; ttut ■ 
wliat he's odUd. 

HenciTortoid b tin I 

" Ton need not look ten germ of 
life in ri«, 
We ftU know whit «n am. 
I 'in not OTcriDla, and don't mtui 
to be: 
Tott ouried it too f ar I 

* I'm' not th* tliinicwith whiob 
yoa'mAkea fui« 
Ko mon th&n I 'm a Oiulph. 
Doat' think of MJlinit mc Bsthy- 

Bathjbini yontaeli I " 

Chonu of Mtm—idt. 
Don't think of osllinir Aim Bath^' 
biui, 
lUthTbiiU TOurMln 

" Sioi ii ' bfe,' and &«(Auj ttuda 

fnr ■ low.' 

And low (inonith I nt« 
Airrihinir lifo to wh«t jron onght 

to know 
Ii jii»l ■ prroiiiit«t'.' '* 



"1 Unmto I." >bo Mid, with 
modrat mi«D, 
" In Oo»w*e oaTM r it«r" 
HciLzic* riswttd htt with a 

Aod antwmd, " So joa uj. 

"'Ti« an opinion I can hkrdJr 
abar«; 
T«t, ibonld Toa oonrt rannvn. 
VU htn ;aiilAb«tl»d. TM-iiJ* 
tip, wifA car*. 
And Mnd joo oil to Town. 

" For. If a beinr doM «ii»t at all 
In Earth, or Air, or Sea, 

It '• rtry eartain to he nalaral, 
WhttcTCT elM it ka." 

"Obwrvg." iho (aid. "my UU 

witk poarla trntiown. 

OtMB •TM, ud lookaof btml " 

"I A» «hi*r^'* h« tnawtTid, 

" ud I own 

TlsM ohiteU m»»t my Ti«w. 

" But jrtt, without one thooiand 
witaeaMB.— 
Pray do oot thick mo rad*,— 
Scieiioo and I moit doubt if jaa 



BcUttra oartitndc." 

Sttt anrikd : a «tibtle inftafncc 
aMIEtd to flow 
About bin fr m iha a«a. 
"Aa I'm an F.K.a." h« nur- 
Btir«d tow. 
" Eh* 'a bjpnotiiiiig mat 

" Ton niut rem*mhet that I iliU 
ittain 

Mr judgnfnt in mipeoM, 
SubitotiTc Tiiion* will appear in vain — — "' 

Tnen doniltd grow hii aenia. 

II. 
ErxuuFa in a pallid liftbt awoke 

On a dim oaTam'i floor. 
And oa hia aar a mnnnur moaned and 
lifoke, 
lSk« the hag Ootan'a toar. 




S^. 



! 



It waa the Toioe of liiii Balfajbina, 

Oat of the gait of Timo — 
"I'm not 'the new Montr, '—yoonarofdine 

I 'm just old Chfiy Slyme. (thus— 

" I( I aubmit to \>eva.g overhauled, 

1 'U know the reaaon whr ; 
Bali)hat« of lime I am ; Uiat 'i what T 'm 

I never told a lie I " [oalled. 



Then ceaasd tba low-vMOtd mnr- 
mnr of the wa, 
C^aaed the Mermaiden'a aonit. 
And (TTciat Hdxi.eio* wok«s and 
knew that be 
for once wai ia the wronjr. 

But whuther he '11 be wiae in daya 

to oome, 
Or err aimther time, 
Aacribiog lile— 'twtrs betUrtoba 

damb— 
To inorganio alime, 

la imt the point onwhinhwehaT* adonbt! 

t'led from the Msrmud's nbaum. 
He leams oookBnro and very plcaacd abont 

Bia old friend, Protoplum. 

And Vfil we cinnot ahare hia honeat prid«> 

A duotrine ult miauarrieB. 
Uii Frotoplaam may bo ranked bealde 

Our old friend, Mri. Jlarrii. 



A WANT AND NO SUPPLY. 

Mb. Fvbcx, Bit,— Whyahould not theolddayaof Evana'a Supt^r 
BooBabarvriTtdr Yea.we know Clube have icoreaatd and multiplied 
nnc* tha daya when PiniirU&EEN tluurialird. Clubs were called and 
dnbaban turned up. Bnt Evojib'b ib auotbcr iiiult«ra1tof;ether. 

TtaaThMtrn Breoeitaiiily notoVKf *arlirrtl]iiii tliey lued to bn, and 
aftaf tha ucitcnttnt of a drama and the aUnoBphtru ol ku> nature 
U MChuwtfd and rcqaireB what it cannot ubtoia anywhere really 
oaaafortablr, ttumgh tn«re is a notabtu exucptiun tu thia at Rule's, in 
If^dw LUM ; that ii, if Hula's uan he an cjiDcption. Kven here if 
thar* b« a orvah and a rnah, tha bunfn'ieit snd lliirslivHt are not 
•amd Knti and if yon onlj^ arrive at 1 1 '^ii. on a urnwdvd DiRht. vnu 
find yiHl ItaTa WooOM a waiter instead nf n enalomiT. and just wlivu 
jtni are beitin&ilitt t" nnjoy the loue niiccM whnlcvpr-it-ii. tba 
waning elnka of I't.V) tella you ''Time's np!" and within a 
qnarf tr of aa huur " ont yoa go," with a difteation in aliout as in- 
ditli^rtiit a Blatc af W8« If'imUt'f Father's ooneoienoe wb«n its owner 
WB> hurried uul of this wicked world. 

We nanlMa tbu exoiuitiuii, if exoeption it b«, aa th« only one with 
wUah wa aia puaouUy Mquistad. Bnt Evana'a waa fonethinir 
Bum llwn a mo* sappw-rooin. It waa lie plaoa par izeellmct for 
tlM-BBgisr (at an hanr when it or-mtain pleaaaiillyenouKh, whiohit 
doMB't at ainneT-time) part-soc;^ andballoda. It was theplaeepar 
fxrrZfnKtfforaohopaDdpatatoMintiiieir jB«keU. (we w^ro in jackets 
oarBalvca whM wa firit laattd tbaac luiurics] a (moll rt«ak. devilled 
boiMB, irrilM <lidcca and a cool tankoid of fctooL Only thu mole 




B«z were admitted, and in spite ol ther« being no oharge for enlranoe 
(we are speaking of "lonir. long af;D,") the uompsDy was orderly and 
oomparatiyelv eelvct:. Why shouldn't come enlerprlsini; uaterer 
take such a plaoa in hand? And before aeuuiini; Duilable premiset 
not too large — Evans's eame Ui grief when it waa i-nlBriied and ad- 
mitted the feminino element,— in theoloaati: neighbourhood ol L'ovont 
Garden, let him apply to the Police Authorities to grant Iho eatab- 
liahment tentatively for three yeon, say a lioenco with citenaion of 
time up to 2 i.M., on oondition tbut onlv uleoB. pait-aonga, and 
buHnds are performed, that the glees for which boj'B voitci are ra- 
<imred. shall cense at U '3i>. and that to no part of the building [Iha 
iDDovatioD oommenocd with private box«8 at Kvana'a. fimiult I'-iiliIy) 
abnll any of the fnmalti aei be admitted. The icoluBioa must be aa 
•triflt a> that of a Monaatery. 'Twill be like a little Kvans'e below, 
a FtiradiKe without an Eve uf dJMolution in it. 

We tireeent Ibis notion in the rough to ijoaii<a and Iht Province* 

Selierally. Country CuUBiun always fiirmtd a t'ront: eontiUKont at 
Ivana'a. and ils revival uonoerus the visitorB to l.'<uduu iquilly with 
I/indonerB. There is much to be nrired in its favour : and ui>l muoh 
against it. You, Mr. I'uneh. rrmombering the jovial round table ia 
the oomnr, the cheery, •oclablc, and harmonioua ovcninji*, and m»- 
ing that a conaiderabU and infiuBntial olaaa arc diaaatitflMl witb 
Hunio fI»lU, will, we am inrf. givo us yonr voU and inUmt, if wa 
can proceed any farther in thia matl^ir, t^et our ory bo, " Aronaa 
ye then, my merry, merry men '" and *o wc, that ia my iiuMparabl* 
companion and mytelf, b«it to sign oureelTC*, Your old friiuida, 
Tha RouH. "CaoDOU un Cmv" (iLuuua£\, 



48 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Jaroaht 26, 1888 



J 



• 



THE' BUSY B.'S. 

"Tlw B*»c«i»T» b«" hit upon nUklnfr 
liUa Tnc Ihnir nminiurna*. It )• Jfr. and 
Mr: Btivrofi Or and O^ Iht Stitgi : tcrilUn 
iy ThfoiHlTit."— Si. Jatiui'i GauStr. 

now doth the little Bo^y B.'a, 

Inii)Toire f&oh ^lliaiDC hour, 
Bf uritinK rcmiuiiceufrj, 

With litrnirj' iintrtr. 
Heir honej' [[latiniB, humour, fno) 

TlwT'vn »torrd on mcniorjr'* ehelvei; 
It will be r«id by erorjrone. 

litouilfa writ qnita " by Themselvea." 

Motl people "by thiintMlv"" arediiH, 

But when this mm tho liitht. 
The Tulume« will. Wo 'r« "ure, be full 

Of alt tbnt's moe iind brJKht. 
" Mitler and Mri. BanrTit/t. On 

And Off tht SlaQe,"—lo lliia 
Add"R'rit/oiiv tJienUflvct." JuatOOn 

Thia titlo.—nhat '» nfflUaf 

" What'* in ft name ?" m. prceioiu lot. 

Id Ihii Dome if you pl«ue, 
Th« T*ry thinp /or them I *ve got, 

CaUit "The Easy B.V 
Or eliie " Two B.'e,"or not "TwoB.'l:" 

Bat tber«, the matter'tsnudt; 
I 'm tuTc thoir remiuiMenoea, 

Will pleasure give to all. 




SYMBOLICAL. 

tD'irini ■ cnilain unnuat 
rrlliiaui n-riimoiir at Vr- 
tnniburxb, th*. VxAlt apPMicd 
■'bu«>EMc)(d."] 



Adticb to Socialists 
«0 OMtMUniSTa. — " Act 
klwny* on tbe Square." 
Only, miod, not oa Tra- 
(sl^tr IviuAre. 




ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL. 

I wcvDEKeit eimytiodyiLsliiLs never seen it. ewer RoC within aay a 
hnndrvd miles or au of ewer imndjcininK th« aits of about a tbowssnd 
Kiotiful children, more or 1»h, all bixitif uliy drcet in lovely outlandish 
oostocims. all luolunj the werry i)iol*r ot appyneai, and all daucinjt 
to bootifal mnaio, or niarchiuir round in itale. or a aeltinft iu a preat 
oircle on the floor of the (jrsal Citv Palane of Delile, ■ Kaiing- and a 
larflng, with that little merry Inrl that belong* to naterally to little 
ohildren when they 're all dreit in their new olothea, at their old 
favrite Punrfi and Judy, and ewen eocAiwiditini Mr, Punfh in hia 
owdncioni behawionr. In ray fortnit pcrsitidn of coarse I 've seed 
about everTtbinir as is to he eeen of a erand or BRriimptions charaok- 
t«r. but I n«vi>r has no doubt as the Children's Fancy Dreia Ball at 
the Mansbun House heats tbe tot in a cantor and the rest novherea. 

Weather it was the cold f<«( or not of (■j)or»e I don't know, but the 
little darli OKI soon oame adroppiDKinto the refreshment room and a 
drinkiuK moat copiously ot ttmonaite and oonsuinia the «paDge cakee 
with Kreat wigonr. One yunit feller, all dre^t in nine warm white 
flunnel. nud wilh about as pretty a little faoe ns I ever Bi-ed, and who 
1 WHS told had oum all the way from CanterhcTry. soshally arsked 
me for a Rlais of Shanpiinc, but wnry propt>rly adried, " put some 
water iu it, please, ai I don't want to tret tite I Bless hia oarefnl 
little art, much he knowed about that miattrry. Wilh the waltyable 
Mnetanoe the little dears reseered from their Furs and Mars they 
kfrpt u« all werry well employed 'til! supper-time, when of course I 
waonded 1« tho upper reitions to attend to my more lerious dootys. 

I B>it ft petp from the Oalltry of the grand maroh round of the 
obUdren, whinh was the gem of the evening, as tishai. I ibood 
have liked to have had it ail over agin, hut of course 1 didn't dare 
shout tout ancore, or they might have all looked up at roe, and 
how «hood I have felt under suiih trying saokemstances ! 

There wm a stBiiit yoiinn rhtp stmtttnir abriot, wrry ftndnuroly 
drrst as King Cn\ni,Es inE Sfin, as he t<il4 mv hi»»'lf. and a it*nt, 
who must have bin jtst a little beliind hand id hi( Nslrnl History, 
arikeil him how he could be a warking about after liii head was out 
off f But he was quite ekal to the oooasion. and said. " That wasn't 
me : that wss my ratlier ; and thrre he stands," pinting to a anuient 
Common Couniilmau who was tilling up his le;i/ure time by drinking 
auni ubampane oup. 

Tho Gi'Dtlcmen of the Press mustnrd tinnomrana rtrong, and 
eiprrit thrir opinons as to (ha supper and the wine* with great 
freedom and woltohility, and I was pltased to hear fMW nitch 
xperifufwd Critio* that it wai all fust rate, Bpeahally the Bore's Ucd 
and the Mum. A natral fnar keeps my nrabcl pen qniet, or 1 shond 
muob like lo mpnihun the nsme» of jest a fpw. But then? was jsiit 
a rather «ildi"h look about oo" ot them as showpd bow Ihnriiughly 
ha iDJ'ijed the sern, while Knollier seemed In fwl tbst he bad to bear 
the whole world on bis broad shouldera. But they are a itinitil set, 
and always w*rry tivil to a poor Waiter. 

Prapa the most poplar and auttenly the meet owdaaious part of the 
hole ppxceding*, was the sham Lord Mam's ifrrotltlon. Itwiu tliat 
bootilul gvt ap, Mnd gone through'with that dcgne, of Killentnily, 



that was most ertddituble to all the yun^ Haot«n vkd thv ir Part 
and Mara, whose eons and dorters I 'm told as they all waa, tho' 
them's misterrys as is not rewcilud to Waiters, no, not even to Hed 
una. But what spiled the hole effeot to me was the aoUem Ihort that 
we was aoiihally lookinir at, and all a olappin our bands at, a bnrlesk 
ot thst amost enored hinstitushnn, a Lord Mare's Perasesaioti ! How 
the ribbold Jester wood have rejoyned, snppostnif euob a irreverent 
fnat class misorennt had intruded hiaetlf into that Ajfijishuc All of 
^lender ! 1 trembUd as I red the accounts in the Hex day's pipcm. 
But no ; thej paat it by without no sncar. 

As I've bin a studying the Frtnob Tung lately, I thort •• I 'd tij 
my skill upon s ynn^ French Oent, with bis wast« Jest under hit 
arm-pits ; so, after be had drunk a elass of tihampan« Cup, I aayi to 
him quite boldly, "Ancore du Sbampsne Cup, yung MMMMf At 
which he krfed and said, " We, Osssoog I " <^ait« natenl. 

I was a Ko<xl deal surprized at one ot the jewrtniU royal pnnoa- 
idges, a King, or a Erl, or summat of that aurt, a askina m« (or ram 
ol that Bosaidge meat, and a pinting to s Bore's Bed I But in wuw 
even jewvenilt- Rings or Kris oamt know evervthink. I remeiiibera 
the late Sword Boarer tilling me, with a shudder, that wunoo upon 
a time, when lie wai alending in state upon a Lord Mare who was a 
going to call on the Prinze of WnnLKa nt Marlboro Ouse, oa tbey 
were all awaiting for hiBUoyal Ineas in the All, little PrinaeOEOHuH 
came into the Gallery, and when he saw the Sword Bonrer in his 
grand Far Can of Stale, pin ted at him, and wid, quite lowd, "Oh, 
wot a funny Old Han I " The Bword Bearer, like the trew gennel- 
man he was. tho much hurt in his feellni, as he told me he was, 
took no notice of the hinanlt. but forguv him at wunco. Praps 
you've eard this afore ? Well, it bears retelling. 

I didn't notice quite so ranob diffrence ss I should natrally have 
xpeoted between the ttvie of dancing of the royal and noble pna* 
sonages, and th^m of tiamble degree, «nah a« ■hepperd«<a*ea and 

Kij;ant«, but they siitt^nly all inioyed tbeirselves op t« tha wury 
rst, and when the fat^Ll hour ot midnight stmok 12, tlWTMtaed 
no more tired than did the geeulal LoKC MutK and his hananm La^T, 
who had reereved ewerybody, and notloed ewtrybody, and nada 
twerybody feel theirselvea quitu at torae, tho iLey was at tho 
Biliebrati.-d City Fallit. Kobbu. 

TEDIUM MEDICUM; 

Or, What, if it doesn't Slop, it mil anne to in the "Tinui" of 1889. 

Sia, — 1 have read attentively now every dav for one year and 
three months the six columns of controversy at first rindiotive, then 
libvlloue. then aonrriloue, and in thesa laat times beyond all buunda 
frantia, Mtween the two rival sohoola of tr^atmtnt that you have 
persistently kept publishing for the beBttit uf your numcrooa 
readers. 'I'he result of the perusul ol this (WrTeapondcnoe npon mq 
has been this, I have registered a solemn row that under na com- 
plicalion ot diseases to which I mieht suddtuly fall a vielim would I 
ever agsin " oall in " a medical adviser of any profeation or school 
whatever. No, Sir, I have determined to leave Dame Nature to do 
her best or worst with me aoeordinR as it may please her own aweet 
will. Acytbing I feel would be better than to band one's body over 
to be JQKgled with by this screaming crew, who in chorus denouncing 
cBoh other as qaacki. linrs, thieves, mountebanks, and oat'tliro«t«, 
have fairly snd UnaHyuoared out of their arrna and, I trust, for 
ever beyond theit reseh. Your obedient but t. flective ■vrvanl, 

A 6rAnnERZi> Laticut. 

Sir,— One word more la answer to that jogt-oreat«d peer, Obiv- 
THOBFR. I did nut. as he malevolently and with malice uorethoacht 
argues, state that if yoit threw a bottle of eloitt into a rasomoler full 
of ginger-beer you would not "detent it," What I did say was that 
I wuuUI defy anybudy with his eyes blind-folded to taste it. This ia 
thu !7Tth time 1 have .had to oorreut this soaudaluua, outraMOoa, 
and scuirilous perversion of truth in the course uf tho prtscDl mo- 
Iroversy, Neott I aay I am sick of it. 

I am your obedient atrvact, J. C. B. 

Sia,— One word to supplement my yeatcTdny's lctt«r, in wbLtli I 
flatter myself I oooe more gave it hot .to " J. C. B." and to all Uw 
other bigotrd. orthodiii vampires who are yelping the Hme ttUM 
with him. If 1 did not fnirly Hay thera and put thim and Ibiir 
pcrjiirxd nonsense into piokle otter, all I can say is I don't know 
what more they can want. Stay, though~I must n->t forget wbat I 
had to aay. It ia this. If any one of the A, ohampioiu atill wRBta 
to have it out with me, let him come down here to me in YcvUiir* 
(whrre my family have been aetlled for inor« than fifly T«an}, 
and I shall be hsmiy and eager to give him aa food an aignmontcs 
two tu ho imuld viiu—wUh a hortahip. 

Yours, &c., Ounsokn 

a*, Thia eonvapoDdsiw* must now doaa. — Bn, 

New Strive fob Tbafalou Equarb.— Thtt of JiaUea Cauui 
OS companion to King ChabUb, 



£7- M&TleE. —Bfjeeie'l Commanitatimxi or CaDtribiitigiis, wlitUier MS.. Printed Kaiur. Drawiaip, er Plotnrts ot any dMuiplSon, wQl 
u a« et* »e returned, aoi eras witan aecompanied by a Etampcd imiL Mirtuti Enrdopa, Cover, or Wra^'aar. ta tUa , 
"«fw r£U tt aa axMptioa. 



Fmiruabt 1, 18Sa] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




THE LETTER-BAQ OF TOBY 

Fkom Miu Sr-ZKK. 



M.P. 

Sand^, Btdi. Salvrday, 




UK Tonr, 

OKDia, OrdprI I npnow u 
WB ue n«w oa Um tTO oE tbt Sa- 
tloOtUidyoiiiriUlMTVciitfaernffuN 
to oooupF yoof tirop wid att«ntion, 
the I*tt*r-BftB will nhnrtly be 
olotid. Dut httoib foa pull the 
Hiring, &Uow me to drop id * brief 
Doto. Th« i>iieu)ter of tfae Houau 
of Commona u, afUr &11, humaji — 

or. u H-BO-BT ini|[ht HSJ i' ha 

filU-d the Chair, iu aomu respettn 

hiuaui. Id defrTDnco %•> this nt^uk- 

noB. 1 fc«t « pmrulinr ptciuure in 

■d'lrciEinB Toa kmong *U tho GTO 

Mi'iatirr* of tho lIouM. If thcif 

\i(!ri> nil liko jon. dew Tonr, what 

I -^ ^,dUiiirT«'dnMlBiSllll '^ I * ^'^r*'^'*** wonld ri'iitn n'iihin our 

J,' & ^^WvlWiV^Pmll/KmSmL ^ fourwalU! Nf<TCT tiniM RHrliBhirH 

V^^ "-"'■""^■^ did tlwlf bononr by niturning you. 

have I (inoe had oooaaina tosu'pHod 
ftn. (Bxenw W» ; bat I aiippow. if ia tbe troublnun timrs thead of ua *uoh a 
miafcstona Mme to pMt. I ahoold have to *«ize you by the tail f ] N«thi uuoe 
hST» t«a Movvd th« adJiiiirnineDt of the Huudk. deliviTrd a proey F|>fMih, quts- 
tionca tiwdAoUoncf tb>^ Cljuir, or behaved utberwiae than aa a modul Memh«r 
tA PartiuiWDt. I wish iLere were more like ^ou. 

But than arc n/jt, and we must lake thiuna ai we llud tliL-m. They hare 
h*aB pretty livnly liiiM 1 first nut iu tho (.'h&ir. nod friim ell purtucta thry ii,re 
Ukaly to be »tiU wore ao in the Seraion that (ipfn» nnt week. I obsrrro that 
Hr. P-Kic-LL hu been advuioK hii Yuaog Una t« avoid obatrnDliim and adopt 
BWltlvHr way*. That ia all voty well tor Mr. P-hn-li.. who hu pleannllj 
BMMd tM IMBU far from political ■trifi'. liut 1 ran WkH tiDd^raland lunne of 
■!• wnpatriota aakjng whithi^r. brcaann Mr. P-tin-l.t. baa not been in prinnn, 
ttw* llwU b* DO mora oake* nnd nle!' W-i.i.-u O'ttit-rt freih from his pUnk 
M, T. D- 8-LI/-T-ir joat fre.'d from gentler reetriotionn, sod Mr. P-hb tired of 
*"!!*"> '^ H-n'M'T'i ooIBd between heaven and earth, are likely to take 
MMMrvitVof th0 aituation. In and oat of the Chair theaa fidwo yeara, 1 
know Tsry *bU what it ia for a I,cndec of a Fiirty tu diaoouiit^iianuo obatruotion, 
and what «ffMt it hta upon the murre of buBinrxs. Sir St-fp-uii N-utbc-te. 
whan bo lod tho ConaerraUv* Party, wai hunc^att j- cipiMBcd to ubalruutiuu. But 
thift did not prevent Gbabdolfii and hla merry men HtcitipiDjc all prunreaa. 
Q^tm>VE is etjually ahocked at the adoption uf any mtana of obalruutiun leaa 
■obtla than th* oocapation of two hours in aavinir what might well Imve been 
nttarcd lo twenty nUmt«a, Bat. apart from tho Iriih M<:mbcrs, Uio UaRe of 
Qtuan Anne's Oata and aome other MpmVra who lit in that part of the Houae, 
n* ontajnly oiot to bo acoused of docility in following thoir titular leader. 

B-LT-K i« tiie only man who has a praotinal iRhimo on hand fiir oumbBting 
•hotntietiaa. Of eoarae if one by one tho mott tniniilent rf ibu Iriih MemboTi 
•MoaatiDtopriaon. tboavaiUblo forora of nb«trnolion in the IIouki of Comraorm 
nwt bo diauniibod. Sir B-TkR R-<:ttx had not thia particular illii>iration in 
hb miad whan ba noda hia famoni dtcUration. But the apiilu-itii'n hoMi 
Mttallr good. B-LT-M hoa done hin boNt. tbe only (im of raxlidroitTirHS about 
hw pvoOMdng beinc in the Komewbat itidi»ereit hnntp with which it waa 
{■■■fantod. If Iritfi M«n)ber*are«eDt to«peiid thrir €liri«tmaB Day in prison. 
Oldv MttnOM o( two iDODths' conftnoment, it la oltar that their appearanus in 
IbaBowoof OottaMU cannot be prMtponrd Iode after the nommmnTment of tho 
BMrfoa. It i* not for me even to tilnt at eounwl in an dclieatn n matter. I am 
■ot iMpOlulble for tho Chief Seurttary'a action, and am nallrd iiinn ncith' r to 
■ppraro it nor to diatpprore it. But, viewed in oonnootion with the qnaation of 



obstmelion. there ia eTidently a flhroB<>]ogioal error at 
the basil of Mr. ti-LF-u'e proOMdinira. But he ia yoioBT 
and ardmt, and cxperienoo may brtnc ila lenooa. 

I dareiay yon will bo glad to hear that 1 auproacJi the 
Dew A«*iiim in rrnnwcd brallh and I Deed hardly add. 
with indomitable apirit. 1 am glad to be able lo add 
that Sii-Tii. who looked in thn other day, ia alio ready 
for hia work. Ho has jiitt rd.umed irom Pan, whioo 
be wft« a little anrpriurd to tind ia, after all, cot a river. 
Otherwise hig mind preaervea ita cuitomarr swrrnity. Ho 
lella me that on fuinie rara OOOaainns, when thers va* 
amooth water in the Medltorranean, he practiHd a now 
poDiiue, wLiiih he betieTea will prove eSecti'n in pro- 
aervinic the diaeiplioe ot the Houae and anpportin* tho 
dignity ol the Chair. He want«d to take hiaeoatofl and 
•how no how It waa done, but 1 decided to datar the 
pteaanre. I would rather aharo in the aorpriae which 
awaits the Home, 

Un the whole I am glad that Su-TU'a romoral to 
another plaoa hu been deferred. Of eouraa if bo had 
gone B-i,r-ii wonid have oome along, and that in aonie 
partiniilara ia not a pleaaant pronprct. It i» a very mnall 
inatt«T, and lo you who >it on the other aide of the 
Honee with the view partiallv obnoured by tbe Table, 
it will be hardly ooraprehensible, but the fact la I oonld 
not face withi.'Ul ditturbauoe the pro«|>e<t of lutTlBf 
B-lf-b's lega in oloHu proximity throuuhuut a Idor littillC' 
It ia bad enough whoD it is part uf hia game of anra- 
TatiuD to abacDt bimaolf from tho H<mse ai bom aa 

Eiaiblo, mure partioiiiarly at tho hour when Iriah Hoea- 
ra want to put qurationa. If ho Were Leader of tbe 
Houao ho muat perforno be in hia plaoo for ■□methiog 
like aix parts of n tcn-boiiri' sitting, and I am afraid I 
conld not stand it. It ia imponihU to convey to joa a 
full aenao of thn mrntal tnrtare anflered afUr nuj 
hours' ■trainr.d attention to debate by the i wiun a nt 1b- 
truaion of apprehenaioa of what B'LF-B will next do 
with hia Inga. Whether be will ever auooeod in hia life- 
long attempt to kiek Ol-pxt-ne under the table, ia a 
fumilinr queition I ahHok tniim recalling iu Uieaedan 
ot rtoeat. Even now 1 trembte when 1 UuDk of the 
pwaiiile apparition ID thecourtoof debate of thefrotof 
the Leader of tho Houae on tho Table, It i> not fair 
that lh« already overburdened Preiident of an aaseolhlr 
like the Honie of (ijmmona ahould bo freinhlfd witB 
petty carna of thia kind, and I hoi>e that SK-tH will atop 
where he ia. 

i envy brother H-icPD-i' the great advantaf • of havinit 
had D-Z7:r »o long the Leader of the Houae wbilat h« aat 
in the Chair. Iiong before 1 had any notioD that the 
matter would have a |>er»onHl iutereat for me, I have 
troin the Front i"'ppo»ifioa Btnoh watohed D-ui in hi* 
plaee— the ("U'd unni, the croaaed It-ga. with tho ooat- 
taile brought (<irw>ird pluuidly oureriug tho kneta. the 
dowiioiut bend, thntjalf-uloaedeyes. Thrrn was a soothing 
amtiataut to the Speakka in the disoharge of hia irritating 
duties. The efligy of a Cruaadcr supine on a tombatone 
does not aome more nearly to the btau iiifal of a Leader 
of the tlon'o aa aeen from the Hpoaker'a Chair, than did 
D'HU-u. Qr-no-u-ii when he waa lewder, in hie 
Domical way reoallt-d Ihia pieturo which he. too. had aften 
wen. He occasionally did it all, even to the orderiy 
arrangement of the coat-tnili, wreatling with hWaclf, 
often ini Ifeotually, to prevent hia baada Koiog up to 
curl hi« moiittanbe. As fur QL-Der^ya be waa moet 
embarraaiiing. One had alwaya to be on the look out for 
hia »uiiden inouraiou. SU'TH waa an frnproveneDt in 
deepite (>f hia tendeouy lo jxiunee. But B-Lf-S would 
be wome than an appreoiahie additiuD to the Iriah 
repreaentattun. 

1 mention theae tbioifa, a* MobaUy in rcriewiiit Uie 
diClluultiea of the r^^iition of a Bpeaker, they narvr 
ooourred to you. When yououmetuait in the Cb^l^— 
a position that may perhapi hereafter be foroed DpOli ym 
— you will understand alL 

Tho Clerk will now peoeeed to read Uie Order* of Qte 
Day, ao no more at |>rr«ont from 

Toare faiUunlly, Astb-k P-L. 



On« for the Force. 



BOBBT loo open to the furliTe " tip" ? 

Bow oan tho world maliin in aoch a manner f 



Althonfh aelf-offerrd to the I'eeltr'a grip, 
'Tia [Jain a " Copper" ■HiU.wA'ui*^*'' 



•VMrawa^' 



rgiM WIT. 




THE JAPANESE SCHOOL AT THE ROYAL 
ACADEMY, 

" Jkpinnu Art . . . . U Ihe only lifiag Art in tba vorU .... la «ompu*UTvlr hw 
jMn Japnn «UI btvnme U:v aiikHnwIadcMl o«atrn unil Irailfir vl tha Piu AiU." — 
Iitraet from Japamie Lftturi on Jdpimti .Irt. Vtit " Timfi'' Jia. 'iS. 



FEELINOS AND TOOTLIOHTS. 

Mm. AnriivKhu, in thn cDrr*nt number of Xon^nuin't. i]e«i>atoh<^ 
a wcond balt^h of arrows at Ihti aotor'« (trt, and hu oerlnitily poored. 
Hi« artiole baaooT^rd) a great deal cf grotmd. That Mr. Wilson 

BaKMTT pluiDK JJamltt ktiiveritiK with lh« th*:niiume(er U° below 
zaro ahonid DaT« ataumtd a comfurtable tLmpcrBtun> truin stroDg 
cmotioo aa aeon a» he i^t oii (□ the itaicc, and tKat Mr. Cuvtom after 
TtpreMDtinR Hug/i Trrror hu been ao nhamtrd that ho haa kin 
down en the floor of bin droiinK-ruoin, and " fr<JinKu>1baugh ho hiLd 
bwn Ihrnnhcd all ovrr," laid to hi* drciwr, "don't coinn ntar mo for 
an hour," am ocrtiiinly itrimitn intrrtainimt and (iTin nppallinft 
toot*, fln indred am noinr of tht^ iiumTonR aneoiJoteii nhoiit. tinnand 
laaght«T, t<irroT and blnahea and oth«r atase «xp«ri(iiwa, that be has 



I mannged to mllect hj hii rnteRbetii^Eil method. Still ti>*tt is iMra to 
I oome.acd bv haa iirgmiiiid !i third and omuIudtDgartiol*. Thia abanJa 
deal amuDK ''tlu) mntlvra with the "cmutinna of FtntoniliMi,'' a 
BinKularly inli^rehtiiig Kubjtet at thie t^oson vf tli*yMr>Uid thangh 
We will iiut viiuoh fur thu Ewrftct accnracy of unry vord. th« tnb- 
joiutd briL-t rxtraot may be taken aa a tair lample of (lie way in 
wbiuh the whole mattei will he handUd. 

Strictly obnerrinfr my unuaJ method of «atM)iltbi(, I have, 
u a ptcliminsry step, addmavd to MTtral not«d Cloma and Pan- 
talooni thn lolluwinn qurstioaa ;— 

III ROcnca of (uniiniiticm in real life, wbtther you aio ft paiti- 
ripant in thta i'.g., in a rr^alar FaIi,!erow yoBTMlfl, or ■ CWB^ 
on-liK krr (d,;., in aiilr<i:t riot, in vbich le^a of Bttitoii, Umtm ol 
brtad. atjug* ii uuttg9«, bondlfi of tnnup*, bahUa, a&d Pelkt* 




tSBKOAKI 4, 188S.] 



PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



&i 






V >. > V Msj 



FAMfLY CARES. 

fSnt BmirtitmUt. " Ijn'iMsnv' Rcixi tiibsb, Sia." 

Seeemd DiOa [Ok llrtad>iriniur). ' 'Mrt-itt. 'Don't OIU roit Rtrisx x'tKLt mONir." [Painliny b> kl$ OUtv Braiuka U tkd latt- 
frPUMtl "Tnu'a Rem iwornu »oii mkI" 



fflra'a Iwlaiata u« iljring on nil atdea in the aii), do you oonaciuuilr 
BOCe efboti for ■abManrnt atv upon the Btaffe J- H*vt> ;au cTer tried 
tha cffMta of a rod-not. pnlccr on perautial friMidi in yoat ovn 
diswiu-Non, ad » automatically refii uteri ng on j-oar metaory a 
pluM M imI life esperience, beon enabled to turn it to sabscqiunt 
pnfMdoaal UMMist > 

Hi* kumra to the »,}»ve questions sre very TArionx. Some 
CbwB* deny tlut thsy have had »xp«rienc« of the red'hot poker in 
thnmn hoiDMa, but in makiun butt«r-Bliiiei>, dUint tiidr pock«t« 
with MfKnboUton, atray bonncti, uud lurlcnys, th<^y have, " sn 
Timif linlrnm m" Ukv M\bs laditKi, Batkman, "iiut«d vileota of 
rtal wnraotlDii, uid >turHl them uu fuT iHJBBililu use." 

A dUIa^nboed Cluwii ut I'ue ui the I^judun ttai'itnts who, with 
Mr. LlOflVL BaODOB, holda that "Alt Bocnos in r«al life am im- 
piamiA OD the mind of the real autur, and that, if ooaaBiun reqnirea, 
be wiU try to mprodnoe them," writoi to say thai he has bo 
llidroii(Uy realieod the neoesiity of thii that he hu uftfn trot up a 
pelt in the Now ("ut, tripped np old ReEtleraen oomiiijr down the steps 
of Wcit-Knd Onhi, put the piRe-boy in hia nwa kitchen oven, and 
tried to jninp tbtmigh the front cjf n hairdresser's shop. He has thus 

Elided hia "tmotioiu" directly from real life, and when hetrana- 
tm them into setinn on tlie utiiefl at ni^ht he does it with a foroe 
Utd ToaUem ttwt feirly eler^tritlns his audience. He never, for 
■urtaaoa, epemi PwUloon, hut wh-n he has either to trip him nn, 
cellar falM with a bdder, or knoclc hira down, he does it «> thomughly 
aad effsrtively thit in the present Pii.ntomim« in which hn in now 
pUjiBC, tfaongh it U only in its fifth wix'k liooe Christnuu, the 
fntntht t^Uioaii ha» nad to be refilled in tora by no loss than 
amn fnah T«ptMentAtives, Are of whom ere laid up injured in a 
Isoal bo^iUL vUle tlw oth«r two h«To obtained snmmonaee against 
biai for awiMt, Hie writer adda that only the other night he made 
■ great pejnt in the reprosentatlon of a stmet flrht by hnrlinjt a 
nutdla of ruil tuntipa right into the face of th? teadtr of the 
dnbeetra, and with ineh gwxl clfeet bb to knoek him baekward oti 
UeitooL The hooae wai cxtrBordinarily cicitcJ by the inoidMit, 
and aheired by a pnlanmd bunt of appliuse how it aiipruoiatM that 
the aotor wu really fseuug in hia own person eometmng sinJlar in 



kind, and almost eqoal in degree, to the rivid pugiliitio paadon be 
wos representing. 

In a limilnr strain nlao writes a aelebr>l«d Pantaloon. Having 
onoe travelled on the Metrnpotit-an I:tne in a sceond'OlsM earrian 
with n third-elans ticket, hm havin)} been dct'ct^d and consninijilly 
shonted at by a little vnljtnr iiew"p*per boy, he afllrm' that when- 
ever, in the ooiuse of a scene, the Clown falsely acoute* him of 
having oommitt«d somedetiniiueQey In the well-known stock phrase, 
" I saw yer do it," he is so ahpyilut^^ly aweetniok, sod his doddering 
Koit beoumes so tragic, that ho fairly briaga down the house. 

It may be InterestinK' ti) uutfl. in cinoliiniju, that a wetl-knowa 
Harlequin, on beiui; queitiuned tu ncouiint in seme degree lor the 
utterly uniutetligihUeocentriuityuf hii movemtnlB, and the generally 
point!*s» though sportivn frivolity of his character as detintated in 
action, admits that, like Ur. OE'^iicik OuKftucri', " ho hoa on many 
ocoosions gi^ne to I,unatio Aavlnma and eoUected elletla tor nee OH 
the atage." The article will also casujillv toueh npon tjie eflsct on an 
aetj>r of playing to an emptv home, or with anaoBct'nial aarroiuidinga, 
the eal«nbetina1 inquiry tskicg some auoh ahapn aa the fidlowiiig : — 

A distinguished Aotor informs me that on playing OiKtUo in the 
provinces, where his terms with the management were "sharw" 
after £!?■, on xomg on the stage and finding only eightnenpenoo in 
the ['it and five orders in the dreis circle, he hns felt a lump in 
his throat that has nearly prevented his artic illation. He also added 
the Roilrrii/n OD the oooasion in question was drunk, and so fre- 
ijuently alluded to " Ttcii Lorrlu Blade Et/it" in the course of his 
part, that he was ultimately called on for a hom-pipe, whioh he 
Kave, h«iu(r eventually removed from the stage by the Doice, the 
Oasman, and the Prompter, ha yon aonsider that snoh ooniditlons 
would he calculated tu atillu a lenJeney to u morbidly emuttooal 
leudering of the ohoracter, and would you conceive yanrHBlf juatilitd 
in woahing your handa of the performonoc, and after having it out 
with the Uacas-cr, leaving the nouae then and there without waiting 
to smother Ihidcmnna t 



KaBtes IS Eicbkokd Pi.BE I-O Deer I 



A 




63 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



[Febbdabt 4, 18S8. 



18S8. 1 

.1 know 




CHARLE3 WTNDHAM DiaCOVERS RUSSIA. 

Tha OsUut Eiplorcr in here iMn UltiBg hia little Dstj and hit treasure 
01 aa Ingot up thi Hen to St. Petenburgb. 



OtntUman at Work at a Tabh UuUing Atni thori). Oti, I know 
nothinj; about that sort of thing. Mr deptrtmoat is to p(«]Mn BlUt 
atCotU. 

Climtt. W«U. Sir. oin I see one of the Finn ? 

OmlUm'tn at Work al a Table. I ain od« of tha Firm. Uj 
Dftme 'b KoBiNBOir. You want nxj pftrtner— Mr. JonM. 

Climt [aitgrit^). No, I don't, Sit. I pivrticularly do i\ot irtnt Mr. 
Jones, 

Genllemanat Work al n TnhU igand-natvrrdlsf]. Well, I 'm »lMi4 

no one elee will bs able to underatoiid ;nij. At maj rate. I «*&'t, M 

good-bye. (lUiurm to hU Bitli of Crab. 

\Ciieat rutamtto Clerk*' fiffit*, and ii uUimaltty thevn int» 

Mr, Jokes. 

Client. I think it riitht to t*ll yon, Sir, that m 1 hew jtm. tit 
fond of fos-hontiDK (to whioh 1 h»ve onnMientioiia objootioiu) 
I thonid hiiT* pif ferred leeiiis one or other of your pirtiion, 

Mr. Janet. Quits m. ,But DdTsr mind; tell in« what it'» ftU 
about, \_Ct\ent telit him. 

llnltrvalof Two Yurri.) 

Client {loofiina at hit Bill a/ Cosh). "Wby the •toflunt i* jott m 
hoavy 0.1 it would have been in the old dave, if not heaviar t The 
fusion uf tba two branchci of the Legal PtcfctaioQ doeen't M«in to 
have made law any ch«ap«r 

[Scene ektet in upon thr Client's larrowfiU rffitrtioHi. 



CHEAP (P) LAW. 

A PsOBASLB ViBW or A PdSHiBLR FuTuar. 

BaMm— Chief OffUe uf H«Hn. Bbowjc, Joxst Aiti> Ronoisi)!?, of 
Ora^e Inn and The Ttmple, Bartoliilort'itt-I^tw. Bntier 
Client, tcha attmipta to attmel attention uf oive of tirtral Chrkt, 

Client {addreitinf a Clerk). Oh, please, I have come abont a 
ChimooTT in alter. 

Clerk [looking tip from a litic-book). Better apeak to aome one 
dae, I know nuthmg of the earlier ila^es o( an aoliou, I^Pointing 
to anothtr.) That gentleman, perhaps, can attend to yon. Here, 
Mr. Cbdcslaw, Chancery Department, 

Client. 1 have come about 

Jfr. Chufklaio (tharply). All right, Sir ; yon hail better lee 
Mr. JoNcs. 

Clintt. But I prefer to aee !t(r. Bsowit. The faot ii, I bare an 
inlriiilueliun ; and 

Mr. ChiKkUtai. Ju«t ai you like; butmr advioe is, see Ur. Joan, 

CHenL You are vtry good ; but I would prefer to sto 

Mr. Chueklaai [tharpty). Alt riitht. Sir, juat U you please, 
{Turning (o another Clerk.) 1> Mr, Buowif in l* 

Other Clerk. Thinlc ho hu jtiit ooiRc back from Court dniiag th« 
adjoummout for Innob. 

Ctitnt {d^eitirtly). Then yon will be lo good, a« to pTe^him roj 
oawj. 

\_Setn* rhanott la Moom of Mr. BkOwk, \ehiTfin that eminent 
Counietit ditcfitiir*d tn hi» rohn lietouring tandmchee. 
Sfr, Brvion [hiirrifilly). Ye»f 

Client. Oh, if you please, I hare oome about a rather oomplioatcd 
matter. 

Mr, Brourn, Yn? Please girn me th(^ papers. 

ClienC (tonfiieed). Pnpera ? Wh«t papcri r 

Mr. ISrmen. I lupposu yciu Want my opinion. Well, if yon will 

r'v* me the ease I wiU cait my eye orcr it, and let yon know what 
think of it nft*-r the aiijoiimraeat of the Court. I have lot rather 
a honvy matter im nut now hoforc Mr. Jiutioe SoirrB, and iball be 
arguinK bcfuro his l/irdsbip nntil half-post fonr o'oloek. 

Ciient. But thia ii the first tiin« 1 hare been here. I hare got a 
l*tt«r tn yon. [Oirci it. 

Mr. Brawn {after a hurried ptttual). Ah, I see. But you must go 
to Hr. Jonu. 

C'livnl. But I would prefer to talk Iho matter over with you. 
Mr. ifrniCTi. My dear r<ir, it would 1* ot no aort of use at present. 
I know absolutely nulhing of the I'arlier stages of nn aotiuii. No 
doubl it will i^ct lo mo in time, when I ohal! have the RTeafcst pos- 
sible plcaiuro m ditpuining the matter with yoii. But that time will 
be when it is nrousary to carry the matter into Conrt. Qood-bve. 
Olad to have adcn yon. XErit hurriedly. 

Client. Dear me 1 I thonifht that now the two branohpa of tbo 
profiMion nre merrfd int'* (-n*, all o( them wntild be able to help mo. 
[Learet Mr. Hbown's Iloum, and leiindere abuut the pauagr* 
until itiipptd b]/ a door. J£« opein it, and enteri a lecond 
ruom. 
Otntleman al Work al a Table. ^S'e11, Sir, what is it ? 
Client. Oh, If you pleaac, I want to ta!k orrr a matter ot buainest. 
It laet is, 1 am a Trustee, and I am not quite •ure—— 




A BENEVOLENT ADTJLTEEATOE. 

JosEPfi Jiraunts, twenty years ago, a npanking fortune made. 
Not by buUinff, or by bearing, or by mining Bpeoulatlon ; — 

No ; he drove a highly spiriwd, remunerative trade 
In provisions, gently tempered by astute ndulteration. 

When bis ^aius had munntod up to such a very handsome sum 
That it took a di>zen oltrks a Week to iind ont wlml he on-td. 

It befel him that his conicience, which had theretofore bccu numb, 
Uoiued itself lo do its duty as an active moral gooA. 

Its »ni!^»tinnii were not pleasant— nay, indeed, were the reverse — 
At h\> very heart's ore. night aud day, iurtessautly they (nawed, 

Foiutinir out with painful frequenov that, probablr, a ourse 
Would attend upon emoluments derived from wDuleaate (mud. 

" I have done a deal too well, I fenr," repentant Jl'toise said, 
" With my oleo-margarinB, retailed as Dorset of the best. 

With my tins of sliniy oddi-and-ends, my homicidal brrad. 
And my sauces whioh from inexpensive drufpi obtained tlieit ust, 

" I have made vast tumi of mijney by those profitable teia, 
Whioh acquire peculiar fragiantc from the folinpe of the aloe; 

By my honey, mauufaoturod independeutty oi bees ; 
By my ei^hteeDpeiuiy " sparkling," and my niueponay BoidMiU. 

" I must make fuU reparation, and with all convenient speed. 
To the mui:h-ol!endcJ sourcea of my ovil-Kuttru wealth. 

Let me di> some htahly creditable phi!nnthri>pii: deed, 
Do it, too, exceeding promptly, and, if possible, by stealth ! 

" Shall 1 fonci an Institution for the permanent relief 
Of my deeply -injured elinnta of the liiwcr miiidle-ela*«. 

Who, in pncltet or in health, have crime to swift and hideiwia sri«f, 
By cunsumiog food and drink whioh /snpplied to them, alasf 

" 'Twotild be sure to be misraanagedl— Happy thought t " — and here 
a smile 

Plnyod about the lips of JoflGtss. " 'Ti» qnitc obvious how t may 
Make the needful restitution to the victims of my BuUe, 

In a far more thoroughgoing, yet less oHtenlatiou* way." 

Straight he opened all his principal eraporia unoe more, 
Auu placarded his renolve to reuommcuue the daily sale 

Of the eilihles und potables in which he 'd dealt bvfure ; 
But at prioes nareoorded in the nmialg uf rctaiL 

At elevenpence a brittle, strange and wild u it may scrm, 
He anpplifd East India Sherry, Comet Ifock, and " Twenty " Port ; 

He adulteraUd miik with thirty -three Per cent, of cream. 
And retailed it to his olieuts at a halfpenny the qnarC 

Orange Fekue and Younc Hyson, sweetly flanured wd pwfund. 
Could be bought at hi* estahliihrncnts for ane-aiul-faar Uw potmd. 

And his fine old fragrant Mochas woro extensively Mmstimed 
At the price whioh Ji;uuinh paid to have the berriM bamt mud 
ground. 

AU the article* pirovided by this much- repentant wight 
Were anpcrlative in<iaauty. and yvt so wondrous cheap, [tugbl. 

That bis shops were throngLid with cnatomm from mornioit nntu 
While his busiuest oompetitors had ample onuao to weep. 



FsBROAsr i, 1883.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 



Aa for Itia, faif wsiaita reftnlarlv rOM fmm tUv to d*T. 

In prMOrtiM to tbe ulm>uiu diminntinn of iii> pelt ; 
lie «zulud is lii* loMcs. imd wiu oilea ht*ti lo ujr, 

Xhat » dur and ipoUaw oongGionM vu ft fortam in iUell. 

Wluo tiM bnnd of bUok remorse wm qniU eSwed from Jcsonc^ 

And Um Mfaoiiee at hi* bankon iron the lemTilanoe if an Q, 
All Um Toliud Loadoa trMUmwn mt^t, and reRitttirrd a von 
To b* Utterly armgod span the natlinr of tJit-ir woe. 

In tbeir wrath theTtsraied aod reet htm— badly, I reicret to 107— 
Irr«tri«rablr, ioMti, &• far at Jcaoisi wait ooncerQpd ; 

For his fragraenta ware ooUeot«(l and in tiiuiuph buroe awav 
To tha foot of NetioB's Cutnma, wb«r«, luixt muruiajt, th*f wore 
biuonL 

Bat the people, pririnc JDonura aa a man of antique monld, 
Ai a er«dtt to nii ovanUy and on bononr (a hi> raoe. 

In the pneineta ol the Abbor raited a rframid of sroiA, 

With the fdknrinc iMariptiou, dooply irroTaa on ila baae :— 

" Ik llKXtmui ! This MonnmeDt eommoniOTatea Um d«cds 

Of a euvnlarlT r«Mron* and phlUathnipio man. 
Who expended ulhia nhetoiuM Ut reliere hia nekhboun' nooda, 

And roTcned eoomuraial priDOiplea to ttxrr ont his plan. 

** HoBBB jeakoaf' mnoTod btm promatarulr from this earth 
To a region whore aaeh saarifioe aa hia mward shinild find ; 

And a eomw-etriekan Kation Ihna paja tribnto to the worth 
Of J, Jcooua, theUmantodbtiuootarof mankind!" 



A WATERY GRIEVANCE. 

Us. PmcH, Sib. 

Ai it b tha laat atraw that breaks tbe poor Camel's bdck, 
BO it ia the last arrogant, if not imp<:iliaeiit demAnd of the imperioua 
Watar Company that oondaaocndi to mppljr me with tbe email 
auBtitr of WBt«r th«t I i!«i]niTe fi>r domeitio purpaeee, that brt«ka 
down mr pow«T« of *itent endnranc^e. 

Hot c<fnt*nt with charfrins ine annnally nearly a* mnoh for rtTor- 
wntai aa I pnT my Wine Mt>robaut tor my liberal mrplrof line Old 
Port, the CoQector inloruisi me that he parposeii Rnllios iat the 
Chrlstmat aoooont on tbu 2ad ul Jauuary ; or if I prefer aeniine it 
bafeee that time, be will be at home to receive it for one honr on two 
d^a of tbe week I What krdly atn thla mere Waterman givei 
himself. At the bauk ut th« dtmnud uuta I am turoiiibtd with snob 
InfOTOatiiin ua is eipvittcd U> eipluiit to me why 1 am charged to 
aneh. and tbis is what 1 leain from thnt wondrous douameut. 

In the tirst place 1 am rafarred to the iLith and lOth cap. Viot. 
ICO, ecctiim lUii^. which of oonrsc, not beinv un Astrolosist, I do not 
BMUTBtand. Antiuipntins. probihlv, this difficiUty, the matter ii 
olaved np bjr the ufurmnUaa thai all the (crvtoo they >o kindly 
rendor to me m tho water line, it more than ICO fe«t above Trinity 
hjgh-wat«r mark. ar<i eharped one per nent. per annum ndditionai. 
Sow h*To I find a twofold diffionlty. I do not know huw hish 
Trinity high-wal^r mark i«, and, if 1 did, I have nothing wherewith 
ta meamre ItM) fnet. I oonRnlt«d my milkman, thinking be would 
imbftbly know all about it, bot he was really qnitc angry at my 
nneetion to that effeot. and profuit»ed utt^r ignorance on the 
laQect. A boatin|r-man of my acqtiaiutanoe t^lls me that h« iboiild 
thlah that the Trinity House, on Tower Hill, ttaads about, twenty 
iett above the river at hi|;h-watcr, hut I don't quit« see how that 
Inpottaat Information helps me. He tells me, if I happen to know 
one of tha Old Brethroa ut Oiat Ancient House, he could perhapa 
aaaiatIM; but I don't, ao I tuijpose 1 muit yield the point. 

1 •■ next told that for every high scrrire ten feet above the road- 
waT, 1 muat pay rxtm. and for c-rtry fiied Bath I mnat pay citm. 
•O I have b««n mcaiarinp, with ihc iisiitanfie of it ladder, tht outiido 
ol my e^bcr dwellicj— and a forful cold I unocecded in entehing 
dnnoc that risky operation— and find to my joy that by nndiing my 
Bath and naing it, when rtqnirvd in my back drawing-room, I can 
4foda that* tw« abaminablia eham*. Bat now oomis aaoh an awful 
lUsation of outraMOU twinalM in the form cf deflnitionn of tbe 
' IC pi the laminar w^ird domeatio, as I should think was never 

attMBpted, even by a Wat«r Company. 

I aM InfoniMd that domestic supply aoee not inelnde mppliea for 
StsaK-MfinM or Sailwar purpoMsi, which ia (juite unneoeesary 
informi^laB for mo. as I have none in the boose. But I also learn 
that It deee sot iBBlode water for warminir purpotcs, or' for baths, or 
for waaUsK my lUtle Brongham, or for watcnnfr my little itzirdrn, 
twenty feet by fifteen, or for watering my little horse, or, craeUeit 
of all, for Baahins a drain ahonld it require it t 

Can anythiBK be aoDeuved more mosntron* f Hun am I called 
■pen to pay a ooudderable mm for water, and I am forbidden to ase 
a drop of it for any of the above most neceiaary porpoees. I most 
not na* any of it, appanntly, for wsnainit my nooturaal whiekey, or 



Jcr WRihinK more of mv poraon than mj bands and faoe, and I mnat 
not let my pour hone onnk a drop of it I Why ia thi* InttiaitoBS 
•fitein aJJuwed to oontinne f 

Old Depot; Hcixiing tells me that when the irrand old Corpora' 
tion, as be always unlla it, applied to Parliament a few years ago to 
remTdy thciu and similar gnovsnces, the liireuturs and oharehoTders 
of oli tbe Qdji Companies, and tho Kadniy Companiee, and tho 
Tramwaj Companios, and tha Dix^k CompaniuB, and the Telefrftph 
CompaniM, who were mnmbem of tiw Hotiao, all met in the Tea- 
Uoom, and, over a oiip of that innoomt bovcragc, vowed to oombine 
tottetber for theprotectioa of their brother Monopolists against the 
eommon foe. The Corporation were deftated and rontj^d ou that 
■Mmorahle ocoisiou. altbough supported bythethon Government, but, 
I an dellubted to bear that tliey aienowanmcedin undermining the 
watery Uunupulista by sinking an Aj'tesian Well in the na>t<^ni con- 
fine) uf the aaolent City whenoe will shortly be seen bnbblinf np an 
ineihaustibla anpply of beautiful pare water for the um of evorr 
ratepayer ol that fortunato loeality, who may oee it not only for such 
pnrpoaee aa an imporioua Company may dictate, bat for every uao 
that health, <lea&lin«B, or ooinfari requires. 

Hay thoir grand effort bo inOMuiful, and their giod example 

imitUOd. JOBSPH UBZEIBOBjr. 

TENNYSON IN 8H0REDITCH. 

80 all dav long tbe noixe of prattle roUed 

Among tne brawlnrs of the Civic Roard, 

Until th" .Sh(ir(ditch Veitry, raiin by man. 

Had snapped their fingers m tbeir Chairtona'a hot. 

The Tiear. Then beoaose his wound wu d«op 

[lDfliot«d by a pen thrown at his head), 

A band of Batepxvers began to cheer, 

Of Ratepayers, who liati^ all those rows. 

And bMv him to a frit^ndly neighbouring pump, 

A broken handle with a Irnken epont, 

That stood in tlve yard beneath the Vestry Hall : 

On one side stood the Vtoar, and on one 

Those ooarso- tongued brawlers— iind their tongues »tr* OOaiM 1 

Then ^ake the Chninnan to the Ilalepayera: 
" The shindy of to-day eiPoMs all 
The apish antics of a Bumole crew. 
The worat this t<>wn containeth. Straight it leads 
To a lUformed Uoaioipality." &<s. 

lAnd the looHtr thd UtUr ! 



" Mar UB TO-D»r ut&i) o'xa nr Paul's."— JHV. PuncA, a* a con- 
tented Faridiioair aod Citizen of London, begs herewith to oongra- 
tuUt«tIwI>au«ndChapt«rof St-Paul'sonthemagnmnent Itoredos 
reoentlr eiwted In the Cathedral of London. Like old Mr. F.cc.lei in 
Catl*Ai " has its faults ; " but, taking a broad view of the work aa 
a whole, it ma^ be said to nsjuire only tbe ftnishing touches of that 
great artist. Time, who. with hi« own method, and by the judicious 
use of I^oniloa atmoipheriiral effects of colour, will gradually bring 
ita tone into harmony with tbe surroundings. 



A True Brett 'Un. 

TBI Master of the Bolis, in the 
Firework Case on appeal last 
week, was more btiUiant than all 
Mr. Buoca'e ahow. He quite 




?oruaeat«d. And the laughter? 
Bo must be known as the *' Master 
of tha Revels,'" or "Tho Master 
of tbe Roan - of - Laughter." 
Imprami>tuj too I appamntly no 
prn^anttion. Buttiiere'scnnonalMl 
art m theao jocosities. What sort 
ofartf Bbktt Art, of oonrae. 



Mb. BiBOir, sitting at I.ambeth 
the other day, having boon appa- 
reutly much surprised at the 
oonduot of a PolioeiU'in who had 
suSered a ctupteof housebreakers 
to slip rather too easily through 
his £ngen in the Walworth Road, 
is reported to liave mystijled tbe 
constable is quntion by asking 
him whether " be thiraght he WB* 
livincin Aroadii." Su oh language 
from tho Rcnoh suggests the pos- 
eibili^ of giving quite a olasaio 
ring fo tho Polioe Rejiorta, for, 
fallowing up the Bironio method, 
it would not be ditlieult to haul an 
allnsion to Boonhus nnd tho Elen- 
linian Hyitrries into a dmnk and 
incapable chnrgn, and adorn a 
ease of mistaken identity with a 
raferanoe to the dangers besetting 
a passage between 8cylla and 
Charybdii. Mr. BiROKoommenoea 
well by boldly uontriuting the 
Walworth Road with Aroadia, 
and 00 doubt he will effeotively 
follow up this happy lead. Mean- 
time tho LAmbetii: Polioe might 
look sp their LempKiirv. 




I 



64 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FKBRITABt 4, 1886. 





ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. ' 

nt Pftf*t>or. "A — A — 1 nora vt tiicrcBU'fl not Buss too loso, Mb. CaAtRWAKl" 

dutiman of CvmmiUef. " N*, XA SlH. Os thb coNriURr, I tbihx top had a most P^mrrT Avnttrntl' 



"ADVANCE, AUSTRALIA I" 

Jfr. Fwtfh't ar<tfiny to "Our Boyi" an t^r 
OOJuiim of tht Cm'mary of Sew South 
irala, Januaty, SO, 1837. 

AnvANCR AiutnlU! Tes, my bofi, 

And lliis s t-ms numethinjt <•/•* saraDaiag I 
In this preal(i«r sli Knuiland juya ; 

H tf^ik our iluwnt puliei d&Doini;, 
The ( chews of your (lORiiiK I'hccn, 

Frcim Sydney Cinu tho wide *ea over, 
Bnund welnomp on ciur (-klor tnra. 

Fur ri! the old whit* w>lU of Dorer. 
WinC«T 'a with un, uid ■nmmer thine 

Grace* your Auatral January ; 
But warm h«art< gre«t acrou the brino. 
Your Ci'Bttnary. 

A handred ytarsl At Time's old- paoe 

Thu mtreat diiv's lULimh. liltle ahiiigiag ; 
Bot now Ihc mrnBure's new, the moe 

Fart* even iaater. forward rungiog. 
What cjfilc of Cathny r\t law 

Your rcntutv'" wondrmm tfanifofwiktionP 
Fmm wuidctiiiK waifi to wurdt of l.tw ! 

Fram nnnud* to n mighty natiim I 
Rrlated dreamrri mnan uld wail ; 

W)ii! oo^nf* for cmiken of tliat Idintf, 
S'tDo*! tint the Siriui furled her mD 
WhfK aow ie Sidney I 

A buadred pan I Ut Fanojr fly— 
Shv h»s a ll'xht ibkt nt-thing ninden. 

Not e'tu reittiuu's rivrD cry — 
Btelc to ihn(lB>a<iI UAirni.w FuxDnta; 

Ht'lUt (H|> lit Adk'"'^>X"° atock 

Whu RUTo the Dcw-fuond Uii4 it* niftntn. 



Faith, memory- fired, mar iTruiidly moak 
At (linmol doubt, iLt owliah umeu. 

Five aiattr-coluniea eiirt'ad now 

Where then the wantlerinit blioli. fellow 

AlcoB eniii^'ed day's f(tildea kIuw 
Aight's uoonlight moUoir. 

Adelaide, Sjdney, Brisbane. Perth, 

And merry Melbourne I There '■ k oIuit«T 
Of toWDi that yon may challenge earth 

Iq twifter braver rliow to mu«t«r. 
Oat of that hDodrcd aoorcs a year [ment, 

BntMw Borne otw quiuk-niircadiDg Mttle- 
To Drove to muady thrulta of tsar 

What youth and AuRto-SuioD mettle meant. 
And now your eectuiy tu ita olose 

Itijuuda iinidft joy and jubiUlioD, 
And faith in yoiit (uir future Horn 
Tbr()u;.-h all the naliun. 

"Th*I»land-CoiitiDentl Hooray I" 

Punch drinha your health in honeat liquor 
On thin your grent (tnl^nnial d«T, 

Whose «d*(itit maltoB bis blood finw iiQiokcr. 
We know what you uon do, dear hoya, 

In City-fonndtng— and in Ctickut. 
A tit tor flattfiTj I— it oloyi ; 

Frank Imlh, true iriendahip.— Ibat 'e the 
tieketl 
Land d( rare ulimite, etAlwart men. 

And pretty fri'l", nnd cgueer mammnlia, 
Alt England cries, throuirh Puivh'i psn, 
" Advance, Australia ! " 



" WlHCITISTKR RkPUTSU " [lUlhinff lo do 
Kith Hi, School o/ Gunnery), —Tbit junior 
Wyki-homit'n. 



ROWS ALL KOUND. 

It seems rather a Bien of the Times— at 
any rate, of the Sl'intlard—that the three 
leaders in tlie latter eioeltent jourDsl on the 
'27th of January were all conremed with aiiuab- 
bli;a. Lender So. 1 wasdcTnted In lhe(|narrtl 
between Lord Cuahliu> flKUtuH'oiin and bit 
oiQcinl aiiperiora ; J,eRdfr So. 'i iJi the ahindy 
between Mir Edward WATKtn and Mr. Wil- 
tUM AnnoTT; and Lfaii-r >'>. 3 to the 
oontroTer»y between Sir Coitttii-Liwpsat and 
those snirry recalci'rtnte, Meairii. CoMTm 
Caku, Hall^, and Dhu^e- Jokes. Now, If 
AduiiniHtrsti«« tfnaieDoyand Monomj oannot 
be teonred, Commeroial claim* oanuut be 
adjusted, and the muiili-rauuted "diirnity 
of Art" cannot .be vindicalud without all 
thill pabtio proseuulion ol iwrsoniil 'luarrcla. 
bow ore wo to eipeot "peaoa in our times" 1' 
Thesa [itlty llisde of ili-temiiar, orifjtnatiog 
uommunly in the [it[.Tpery "wrath" o( loma 
very minor Achilles, are more wi-arisoroo than 
the moat lonft-winded of pectido-eptea, ud 
oupht to he atemly discouraged. TlicriitM, 
with aa epoa »U to himself, wimld hardly be 
■ Rfeiiter nuisHnce than the Tutty Snaal>bW 
who eboiild monopolise our Uomiaf Paper. 



Vox et FraBter«a KlhU. 

(A Tip r« our Tjli-latitrt) 

Te8, we can talk aorota tli« World to-dar : 

Yet sahble win d around the flube u n^lM. 

What boots great Balwl's iiiread. If what we 

say I* blatant babble ir 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHaBIVABI.— FKBRCAhv 4, 198:'. 




THE RETURN OF THE WANDERER. 



Lord OaAireOLPB. "HII-TIS WELLt-I AK OBSERVED 11" 



Fsraun 4, 18S&] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 



67 




The next wa*—" How did Catmm Barber ^uam AUt/htdh«>oa» 
riohP" 
I shotted that, and rtnok diwn'; " By ttu tioagytr he pat on." 

"WhatOMdidhamftkeellliadiwOTeTT' " Ib"^: " Sucked up la 
him and aiktd him to dinner " Btoaiu, whether that wu the nght 
anB«T VI not, it *■ what mmt chap* iconU do, w .1 may have done 

that riRht. 

Then yon Baid, " dcfloribe folly : Bluehtard i Chambar." I know 
I did thai right, I pot it WM (nil o( har«liH« aud MaotdnM and 



THE HEIGHT OF MASHERDOM. 

• Watt:, T*-TA Olb M»s I Mr Psari.K *!1b waitiso vt MR 

Mt, TOD KSOWl" "WHT, DOK'r TOl' IMUBV A LATCHKIy!" 

■*C*ii«r A LATvn-KMrt Nor 11 A Liimiear 'n ifoii. A*r 



MR. PUNCH'S EXAMINATION PAPERS FOR YOUNC PEOPLE. 
A Patbstio TtiortsT tbok Ua-tik PAanxoai. 

Mm. PvRCn printa th« following ohar»et«riitio letter without 
MBsent:— 

DtAX PcBCB, — ! 'vc allmjni rathpr likmi jou np lo now, benaiw I 
tlionght TOD (tack npf^ir haj», bnt 1 ifncall it C<M' t'eestir mnan nf yoii 
to go ana nt th«t hurabnitin paptr yon di<I on Fary ule* '. How do 
joa czpoot a f*llow to do a di^Mot pai'tr in thiii^ h« hatn't loiiked 
at (iaae b* waa a kidf And JtiTioir it in holhilayi too. My gav. 
n>d iM'd liko to we what tort of a iinp«r I uhiIc of it, and »o Ilie 
•gaMQSaoa wo* I bud to st»y lu a hole m'jrulDg;. and nwut at those 
fMtliftr qoMtious lit yuuTB I And all I Rut lor it w» thit wIifd the 
Out. read ray angerii, he laid there were tuo things ttruk him 
foniblr — ray tDJinuity and my iinuranio, which waa a niue remark 
tat a fellow a paler to say 1 I don't belaive I did «o rery bid either, 
•Mutdctinfr I waan't K>ven any time for prep., and the Ouv. wu in 
&• Libry all the time, and I couldn't pel a chance to orib, for 
flMW'anolhiufrlow in cribbing in Van fcUuns., you know. Bat I'll 
Ml joa •ocno of the Ihinfti 1 put. and you'll see. Yon raid 
" UentiMi aad Cfitialio tho uondun nt Morjiannu after " — something 
or otbar. 1 didn't mectinn it, becaai looiildu't remember that part, 
■o I mlr (rritiaiiod. I aaid^ " Tht cimilw of M'TJianna, tlui not 
prapM all that tnulJ ftc dtnrtd, teat luch tkat untent thu had iKlfd 
dtftrtMljf, Mwirf MotAiiM bttn I'thtrfriir.'' YouiM'O the tip JKalway* 
to writ* ■• U yon knew all about it, aud then th(<y may think >;ou 
io aad nwk yon, — pnipa— I did the tame fur Ihe next ouf , whiuh 
WU ; " Would I call Ptui in Booli a ttriutly truthful annimlu f " 

That itdlnped m« at dnt, fur I 'd forjjuttvn who J'uti in Boolt 
WW, u 1 hadn't hwQ to the Pantimime then— but 1 mantewl to fox 

rBOauUliaK at last. I l>ut: " U'hen icc ctmiiilder the IlVfUm- 
M*, miOtc tiwM* tht Uifd in and all that, u^hirh tcfrr barhtroiu 
m m mmr td l« mow, im miut come to iKi cimelution nf h,ir bring ni 
WIKU^Uaa lX» erJnery ran n/ eati n/ that age, and prapt tkit, \f 
r«t* tpokt npw, irAtcA / hare mt m*t any that do H." 



Lamp 
much toiiee thnre eioeptnil-jara— whlnh waa Wfooir. 

For " the fizzioa.1 and ^ogradcal featnns of the ooactry at the top 
of the Bpnesforh," 1 norkfrd down " ctourfi,"— and obanood iU 

In thi^ B pRper T diil much bettsr. T« the qutatioa "il I OOD- 
■ider«d Qiiuits an intvlliuont race," I Iiwd my Cammin Senoe, M a 
form mii3t«r we have, nlwaja t*lU ua to when in doubt. 1 put : 

" GiitnCi pmriing big headi, int natullg tzptft thiir orfli»ra to 
eariipund, and to vjt/ind, for it it quit* common to htar peapU tork 
vf an ' Inttlfctiiil Otant.' So I eoniiiltr tKey are." 

Tbtnestwaseaay; "Whatia aBooF What do Boca fatd on F." 
I wrote: 

" AU rather b^ tC«nti art termed Roci, or {/i» itii mar* eor*diltf 
mft] Bock*. lUctl* lire on the ground, and the Proverbiim UU* IM. 
thiy gather man, but Ihey do not eat it^it lometioirt rati in/otAm.' 

The mt of the (pitntiori wai anoh orful rut, I left it alone. 

About the wiokod L'qcIci I pat— and X don't see note when I wna 
wrong I 

" The enii of a Wicked Uncle 'ie ht 'vihallj/ di*e, he u Knnetime* 
eorry, lehrti lit repptnte." 

I didn't trf til* 00* ahont tha wTon-logo booti, became I thonicht 
there waa a catoh in it ioni»wh«r«. Another wai : " Writ« down 
a.-ay hiro who haa anfered inooDT«aanoe from (a] the imprudonio, (&) 
the dtubi^ienpp. of hi» wife." 

I thonitht I 'd better write wmethuix to that— j lut to lay 1 'd triid. 
fio I laid : 

" The diiabiidifnet or imfmulMM */ a wife ii alwayt ineonrenant 
to a hfro, leding at il does to roas, which are diengrifible tn Hit loith." 

Too tee I didn't oiaokly anier the qneetiun. beuaui I didn't know 
it, but 1 think anyone but ray Q uv. would have alowed IU ewn nurin. 
I told him I 'd dune i|uit« as woU as 1 genallr did in otlur Kzuu., 
and he krfed & naity tarf. and *aid he quite bleered me, but I 
desorved pluukin;,* all the same. He turnoi pTerything I wmta into 
fun, and lold mo a few onra qnite itudij' of Kary Talei wtnild do rae 
a world of Rood, Sol thrmKtil I'd write and oak yon notto try tobe 
fanny that way again, beoaus it'i griod enaff to hare to ir> in for 
exams., on lufal lubjioi, withnnt boing bothered craminf up boahy 
nonry atorja I I remain, Your diiapointed Friend. 

Makcus Cocxshoit FaasMOas. 

P.S.— I tell you mt thinf , I 'U tak« joly good care I Me Pkr^A 
btforr the Gur. doea next week. But I forgot~I ahall be back at 
Skoolthenl M. f. P. 



LAMESI OF TBK LATTER-DAY APE. 



Resfectkd onoe were we. 

At lesat OUT fathers were, 
Uroanbt home from orer-M* 

In Soloxoh's gatrre. 

Ah. those wore merry day«1 
As moukcyii may tiol ncnj^. 

We chattor of their praiie— 
When SOLOXOs waa King I 

Apes olaoc amid the naiU, 

With gold about Ih^ir necka, 
Below, with Kl^amiug tails, 

Slim i>«nci.H:.ki) walked the decka; 
But DOW thuir jilumes snblime, 

Men tay, nustortune bring. 
'Twaa not to in tho time 

When SoLOKOX waa Siag I 



Ab. now to onrans tied. 

Or prisoned in the Zoo, 
Where vulgar crowd" deride 

What aorroWB we go throngh I 
Btatvchiniily we crave 

For nuts, and fv«(rt, and string. 
Who did aot ID bchsre 

When SoLOiiox waa Kins I 

Yet in the** ot«t old, 

WlWB l^M might honour win, 
Uan never had bt^n told 

Tha monki<y* wfrn hi* ktn ; 
Yon know it now, and yet 

Yon bid the Ape go awitic-* 
The summers we regret 

When SoLOXOX was Kinit I 



Theft Of Trabs- Marks. —What is the diiTereiK*. in point of 
roguery, between removing your neighbour'* I and- mark, and 
otipropriatin^ his trade-mark F What brand dues that maDufactorer 
deauri'a who purloin* another's'' Brand for brand? Id medisaTal 
and merry Kn^land, the brand would hare bepn Imprinted on tbs 
ollcndpr with an iron iiutriiioent at a tomperature too high to bo 
toUrable ; but moilprn cirilitati on proliibila that contrabraad pro- 
ceeding. Wonld thrre he any ctub'ij', however, in the MerohandiM 
Marks Aot if it rcndorvd a o&antcrfeiter of murks hable to be t|t«is^ 
lesaly bnt ifnominiously brandod with UbA feTvuuk^-^ 



I 



• 



08 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FsBBtJART i, 1888. 



ISMAIL OUT OF EGYPT. 



4^t#_iS^^ 







ilfnnHt fitnioB, arraiu;<d ai a Diiit At Sung iy Oua: dever Mamn-th Comiqu't, 
Mr. J/anioU inui LmaU Pojha. 

Mr, Mttrriolt lingii — 



This TnutL is a wty u yer don't meet evetj iaj ; 
n«'s lib«nit and Vnrty. free and easy in hi« »»«}■■ 

Yoa'dhudly call liim xcrupuUin", but in this bloomin' 



Eut, 



mT 



01 all thinRR iiartiei oarit atwut they oare for (hut the least. 
ISpokfu ) Yot know oonacienuo »in't even'thinlt — or I'Im / might not havn a IwiV in. or to 
_, enimit'] ny. Voh know what the aphiiri»lia cove mts »boat Conneienco bcinR like a 
thorn ia a cmhion— only anotlior term (or dlaoomfort. / tik« an ea«y icat to mf ooTich, 
*a docB every Mmiihlo chap with an eve tu^ahnU we aay tht- Woolsark r Ahl {to audience) 
yoD doB't know Isxail, neither did I till now. But ht 't right enougb I 

Singi.— 
Be 'i all right when you kaow him. though the fvllaheen be voxt ; 
You don't ripei^t a Paaha ton pirticular. Wot next f 
Ha wouldn't iiQrt a beetle ; ha 'a a pal ai you can tnut ; 
He '» all right when yon know bim, but you 've gut to know him fiut. 

Judge- Advocate's a lovely hlnni). my Iauaij. begs to state, 

And if be had hin way, he 'd Iw hnth J udgn and Advocate. 

I »«, "prar nhnek in Jury," hut he anawem "that'* all boib," 

And in ttie East— like many other thirifa— won't never wa«h. 
{Spokfn hu hmail Pntha.] I'll lay a PuUtw on the Bo^phorus to~TltWKIK'a brain, Uiat 
there ain't a luiItAr Jnilge tnjr Adrwiate In England nor wluit ho ia. Ha can ahift it, oan't 
b«F See what he's done tor me I As the Tiriifi aaya, I'd piled up my elaima to five 
mlllioD* aterling. t<ip1uiiv« of miiiit«uiiDti« chargeK, In ouursu that waa all blnlT. I 'd 
about M maoh claim on thc> Egyptiann I'd no luoonaiifuUy tpilod as a pickpocket would have for 
•onpenaation (or diaturhanoe from the uld bloko Ue 'd robbed, and who had oollared bin in tho 



aot and handed him orer to Iba Crnahera. 
" In right and naaon," aem the Timei agin, 
"1 was an unditoharged bankrupt." Jiij/ktT 
Ha, ha I Rtatonf Obol In tb« Hippy 
Land on the thoree of Old Nile, belond of 
Bondholder*, ruled by "TnoTHi-icK Pasiu." 
and guided, philoaopbered and friended by 
Edqab Wwcent and U\bbiott 1 1 ! What 
a larks I But the JudK»-Advocat»-0<IMral 
it a pal, ii yer like 

Singt !— 
E»'» all right when you know him, tboufb 

he toot so down on Job, 
Bat, bleiH var, they have made that little 

tin up loug ago, 
Lord SoLLT Unda—aa / do— h«'a a pal ai 

on« oan trust- 
He 'a all right when yon kuow bin, but 

you've got to know him fast. 

He** aeed a deal of ohange, be baa, be wo* 

a Lib : one time. 
Well, he's a Liberal now— (o me. One 

Hundred Thnuaaod 1 Primal 
Hs 'd aeyn round npoD a pal, for ma be 'a 

spread it thiok. 
Cash, pnblie landi, three palaoea I By 

AUlh.he'*abrickI 

{Spohm.i I tell yer, you don't haU know 
what the man can do. What dots the 
Ti'nirf tay agiitf "Hia people ttill groans 
under a load vi tniatiiin hi» eoaadaloua 

Erodigality and avirioc of i^atn aecamu- 
ktcd. . . He baa been the sotirce of most of 
the miafortunea of EsTpt." Ua I bat 
That 's Me I ! I—" And the f rienda of EXTP^ 
have to thank him (or It^tting binaell be 
coaxed into taking an indemnity from tta 
penury of a oonple of millions." Ho! bol 
Thanks! And who was the "Coaxar"? 
Why, UiKRioTT to be aure,— 

Singt .— 
He coaxed that there two millions from 

young " lix>thpiok "—ain't he green ?— 
And " Toothpick" why he'll " ooax " it oot 

ofthe"poor fellahaeo." [oan tnut I 
Oh, MjiinioTT is a rorty pal, a pal aa yoiu 
Be 'a all right when you know bin, out 

you 'to got to know him fiutl 

Marriott nnf* : — 
Off to Constantiiiopte with faU little lot 

of swag I 
" All 's well that ends well," aaya tbo Timt* : 

it 'a leerry pnoty gag. 
Helooka as high and bortvai King PnanloiI 

in his chariot. [along of Mtaaiorrl 
He 's safe for corn and neshpots, and it '■ all 

{Spoli^n.) Bletimel That 'i more than 
thoee suiieezable pov fools, the fellalieeB, 
will do, I fancy. Bat what o* that ? " By 
the dexterity, rank, and laSaenoa e( ttu 
uounscl thus paradoiioally employed, aatia- 
fsirtory results have been ODtained at a 
minimum oE inconrenienoe." Titnt* acein! 
Uuite so. Highlv tattafaotorr— to me. " In 
no ease oonld it have been {inagtned that a 
Member of the British QoTvmment would 
undertake the profeisiunn! ectoreentent ol 
enormoui legal demmds agaimt a Sere- 
reign under lliat floTemment'* amoial ptT>- 
teotion, control, and tutelage." Irap*. But 
then " All 's well aa end* well," don'tober 
know! 

Both ting ■• — 

Wbon a party baa expensive tastes, and la 

an ex-Kbcdive, 
Ho mutt have Iota of aaih aod land, else 

how '* he going to live f 
Y„a I Ikmail is a euto 'an 
" ( Mahhi'Mt u a backer 

as you oan tnist. 
He.'e all right when yon know htm, but 

you've got to know bin fust I 



4 



be'* ■ pal 




b'uBt)«HT 4. ises.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF MIXED UNIVERSITY EDUCATION. 

""^b* fMult at h^vifit tL rAit\MldiitA\Av number of young romFo rnudent At C«inbriJg«, *ilh do olhcr ocfuptticn Ibbn rmdtnjjfoT in cdinary itgr**, 
tBi(klb« irry •rrioui.'*— "OyMlii* (o 'J>p>>m<(/oi;ibu«i™ </ HWd W Jliyrut,"' fuDlBi tj/ MiiM i'mt/y J/arui,iit kir JjtUr l« iKt rimrt, Jan, 3&. 

TBorHMK I'TKm'H AXRWKii IB Qiviiv Pi[rToRi«i.i.r ABOTi, ADD iKDicATu TtuT Tii> VoTKn hkff UnntKoiuDrAiVKKa woru) 
wvn rWTT or "otbir oixci-ation" bc^idiu, ok in rnit tsovt»m or, rumdo kr an OnniNAHV DinHsr. 



A PLEA. FOR THE PEOPLE'S POET. 

Siiran for naaj and Btcr s ^mt 
Of •OOKB thftt ftod^CQ the uKrpIn'n e&r, 
'■ A ^/a«f TinM OuMKO, " and " C'Acrr, Boyt. 
Ch<rr!" 

Poet Knd patriot, etuUDpinn ntill 

f)f liniplD iQUibcx>d nnd hnni^tt •kill. 

Of pnm nome-loTO, »nd ol fmnlt good-will : 

Frioid of iMMRtaji, and itm <A wtod;; ; 

Very Vcioe of tb« lolling throiisr. 

Ill need* a&d ; cuxiDgv, in tuuching^ wmg : 



Punrh'i Breelings ! The world shonld He 
I Tint needleifl sorrow poroe not to thee, 
j Btckcn ]:et cbMry at Seventf -three. 

; Idt all who have heard, Dnder many a iky, 
The manlp music bt lifted hiifb, 
Thuik-blferinj; render to Cuaulzs UaceatI 

a*a A Fund la Wing itJtti tar the UU-tatj 
TfiiiTjm. I>r, Cmari.kh UAi^)iAV-.-known wlitrpvrr 
tfao Enplitb loDjEuv in npckcTi nr EnjrLitb poiijif nrc 
»uii(;. "to ii iiuw in bit •«v.>ni)-thinl yrtr, in 
miriniil iritriimiitiiiiMi, ui<] brokpn in hrnllli, bat 
brichi, chi^try, nnd induitriDui nl ever. 

oubtrrijiliuni will b« rtokTrd by tli* foUowtnt 



Bgnlini :— The Buik «f ScoUuid. Lecbbunr, E.G. 
MMin. Kokjlkt*, LritRiicK i Co., Lombird 
SImt, B.O. : Unan. DuitHMoxf, Cbailng t'lOM, 
W.C.; or by Iht UonnniM RvmrUiy, L. C. Ai.ax» 
Attva, U.S.. PuIceT. S.W. 



Wtko V.Whrat.— a Con[ercnc*ol Britiah 
tohaix»<frowcri. <'n the refiort of their Coni' 
Biiltcc. hail dwided on formiog nn AiBooiilion 
"to fciuBcitute and cnoonrnge the culti nation 
■od ■anofartiire of lobacuo'' in th« ITuitfd 
Kinfdon. Kvidently thiy ualculaU upontho 
stno^of thdr "n-turni^" 



&0 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. 



[PsBItUABT 4, 1886. 



fl 




OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Tjre Whirli^iy at Time i< brinjinK tbout its revengo* in this " so- 
O^UmI nineteenth ceatur;," wheu the inaly pikpen of the Kenar:) 

OIliuM at hume aud abroad, and the 
HnnuBoript truasures, buth (if anoieDt 
houses and of private ooUeotiona, are 
fieelr placed in the handB of lynx- 
eyed experts, who, in ihe enthntiaim 
ot their ptuddin^ pereeveraiico, are 
onnttnanllf cinder'sijtins the dant- 
btni and eihanstiielr inapeoting the 
«ut«-p<ipeT baaketa of the pa»t— not 
to ■' msJt« history," but to reveal truth 
pl&in and irT«BlHtib1e. One of the 
tecults of tiiia labonoua pruoess cornea 
brfora na in the thape ol the drat Tulume of O^sqDiti'd Hnnrj/ the 
Kighth and tho Kngluh Mnniiteriei, which stating only hard taati, 
and dealing itTBigbltorwardly with the oontemporary records, 
jmtifiea beyond qntation tha opinion now graduuly, but mrely, 
gainjnjt RTininiJ. that some of the heroes of that etiiioh. such ns CaoM- 
wm.t. and his nrsatnreB, I.Kan, Lutok, Ap Kick, and L'lKDntr, 
wsre unmitiirat*"' inoiindreli, that their Hoyul Muter was every way 
worthy of th*ni, and that the »haoe aBsumed by the llaformation in 
Euiclaad was mad* pna'ihle by Wolskt, of whoso oharaoter Sm«a- 
FEABE. by th'.' mouths of ftiieenK*THEtti!«ftndof faithful GuirnTTr, 
formed KO juat, and yet BO ohariCable an estimate. That there was 
same basis lor the modern popnlar notion eipreited in tho Srat verse 
of a onoa wvU-known sonf , set to a ofttohing tune, rfODootiDg how 

'■ Manr hiTo toH 
Of Uic Manki uf old, 
Wlijil « jnvUl ant llipy wpTs," 

U certain, as this lirst volume proves. Bat " o! the many wbf> told," 
V»ry few wore worthy of orudit, and thsir storiea, even than, were 
«nly nf " 'some' Honks of old," nut all, jait as CDllesiat^ bodies, 
Ouilda, and even Metropolitan Boards, may benome lax and ourrupt, 
Nld their onnduiit neoeasitate a eummiuion of inquiry with a view 
to OOTiection of abuses. And at such a period how calHpioUomly 
standi oat the incorruptible honesty of the honest men! How 
virCuoat it waa at saoh a tima t > be virtuous t Ui)w difficult to he 
oonstant t> a prinnipte I How easv lo inve a head by giving way 
jmt onouKh ti> av<>td the block! When a stroke of the pen rni^ht 
ward oil a stroke of the aie, the altemstive batween " Ii I.ife worth 
livinjt." or Upsth worth dvioir, was not one whioh ordinary muu 
oould ahoiise without oontiiierahle aanrifiiie one way or Uw othur. 
Oabucm's Henry Ihe Kiahlh in to be completed in two volumsa, and 
will be a valuable work ("T historionl referenoe. 

By the way. the pobliuatioas of the Reoord OITioe and modern 
roaearoh intu these oM letters and pipers, — and " there are lots more 
where those come from,'' — ahow tuat onr old friend, CoRBrrr, 
whoso work has boen shelved fur some time, was uretty aocu- 
rate in hi* history, and had warrant for thu stron<tiio( his oun- 
rictiiins and the foroo of hia eipressions. Th^ro wn au attempt 
•ome little lima ajfo— whoie it was I forffet— 1> whilewish Rich*iiI) . 
TBB Thiho, hut It «a* only theoretio il. and did nut deal with fants 
SDoh aa are afforded hy tha titara icripta of the Reoord OiHm, and in 
nadingrthe life of Lady JAsaDouuau. trm^nribed from the ancient 
K9, note* of f!KK»r Clippohd in Lord Doiimru':* possesiion, I Hod 
thatttw Tudor Queen, whom wa have all been tmi^ht (> regard a< 
" Bloody M*itt," was, in the opinion of her Lidy-in-Waii.iait and 
intimate oompiioion, a oharminic Princesi, and everythinjr chit wts 
kind and considerate as comp trtd with her haughty and violent «i«t*r, 
Gi.iitBBrn. whoHe oondii'^t as a girl seems to hive h->en soaDdaloiiH. 
What will tho Private Riitory of our own " Violnrian Era" be whtin 
a oentnrv or two heooe th* oioder-nifter* have taken the reoord* in 
hand! However, it will not matter to ux of tb« preaeot dny, at 
all aventi, who won't be there to oontradict or appland the vordiut 
whatever it may be. And now ti llahter theme*. 

if avln; read M ibion's, I shijula say Munio'i Cruri/lr, and 
recorded my detif^ht in no stinted tiirms of praisp, I deUrmio«d to 
read M.imoM Cainyuno's Pnul I'aU'ff. It has lain on my table for 
thr^e wo*k«, and I have beon psrpatnolly Irving to alt down to its 

Cnwl. aimnthimr hos invariably prevented mo. Once, havinp lo 
ve town, I toik away a volume with me. which on settling myielf 
eanfortahly in an arm-chiir, 1 diseavered wai the third volume. 
When 1 retnrnrd I made a spare hour, and took up Vol. I. Boaroiily 
bad I ont it* paffe* than a viaitnr was nsher^d in to aee me on 
impurtaat busioMs. The next day I searoh'd everywhere for it: in 
r*fn. AUthreeTolumeshaddisappnared. " Wtierd, .M.'idaine,"»aid I, 
addretiiuK the Baronet*, " is my Putl Pn'/ijT— Ihrw volumes, blue 
ciroTf" Bho explained that, thinkintr I hsil Haiahed it, she had 
lent it to a friend. It va« returoed in throe days ; atain and aitatn 
I tried to snatoh a tew momenta Jost to make a bcTlnnln; : bnt no. 
fate wai a<rainkt me until one morninK 1 eieltiimrd brilliantly. " If 
Idef<-r it any lunirer 1 aballaaU it i'au/Pu(o^,"and seizing the first 



volume I commenced readtni^,and as far is I have gono I am obarmed 
by the (tyle, and thoToujilily inter^tled in the story. 

" FUaee took at this," said the Baroneas, who ia a novel -deroorer, 
to me. nt the same time handing me a book by finwuRD Obst, 
entitled. By Vtrtun vf Uii (Iffire, in whit'h she tad marked certain 
passages. In one of them there is deserved praise bestowed by one 
of the chnraotora on Thr ChilJrfn'i Cry. whioh appear^ in one ot 
Sfr. Panch't nnmbers. But Miei Elizabeth I'rrtty, ihf h^rnine of 
the novel (whioh the Bariness informed me inljrre»I*d A rr, though 
she ia not sure if I ahouLi care (o much for it) blushingly take* to 

herself the credit of ha ' " ~ 

oontnidict 

will tell Q« , .. . 

been republished in a ooltcution of poema by the isme author. Is it 
not soi" Ci/nnie, tho minor heroine, observes that she "only reads 
Punch and Tha World." A well -disciplined mind, evidently. Bnt 
in spite of these atlraotions, I must return to Paul Patnff, or I ahatl 
lose the thread of tho narrative. Bo no more, until I've done with 
tlieae Unsttaa Blue-book«, from 

Youra atudionaly, BaBOM De Book Wobms. 



. sure u 1 sni'uiii uare (o mucn lor itJ Dlusningly take* Id 
e credit of having writtm The Chihhrn's Cry. Surry to 
: a lady whose name is " Terity," but J fancy jfr. Punch 
« tbnt it wasn't written by a feminine hand, and has since 



A BIT OP GRAPHIC. 

lO/th4 J^ejuUition Palltm.) 



Tbb woodland ways, lately to goldeD-glorioas in their radiant 
array, arc now sorrowful in their aolemn silenoe. lbs poly- 
ohromatio Oread-haunted obscnritie* of Ootubor, the neutral -tlated 
nymph-trodden nebulosities of November have given place to tha 
damp desolation and dri-ary drippiugness of December, disnuLlly 
prtilongcd into what is ininioally called the Opening Year! 

Chill rain-pools lie in steely stiUueti in nrnt-nned arglUaMOiu 
rutt. Here the hrviad sluwly-eirtdiag wheel of the rustic wain hai 
weightily wound its deep- indenting way. Sparse and auddeu spear- 
lets of ounsnmptive-lo.jking grass droop limply along the reeking 
sidewalk. Naturif, indeed, secma alriokea as with pnthiiii, like 
an alm'iet pulaeleis p-iitri-taire, aha lies limply on her tear-stained 
douub, dyinir, dying dying I 

A belated bluebottle. hu;ttiag blindly athwart a leafless forest 
vista, blunders inoontinently into a broken rain-gemmed spider'* 
web. The emaoiated Araohne of the woods is all too weak 
and woesome to spring with the old obese o^reishness upon it* 
priamatio prey. But the purblind, cold, palsied lump ol aiure 
iridflicsnoe, erst the awifl and tonorons ottil-hanter (if ardent 
Angutt, gives up Ihn ghost nevi^rthfless. loo weok to whir a wing, 
too weary to unwind one clinging manacle of mucilagiooiu 
gossamer. 

What is thatlyiogat the gnarled serpentining root of yonder inkr- 
barked elm? A frowsy fungus, the foul-aroelling "agario of tM 
holtf Nol It is something of equal unsavonrineas, of parallal 
nnpioturesquonejs, yet of inlinitely greater human interfit. It is 
the maty remnant of a tramp's abandoned highiow. A ditoardMi 
shoe, no more ! Tet how it teems with suggestion t Heel baa it 
none, of sole aearoety a scrap, its frayed "uppers" hint not «T<a 
distantly of Dat and Mabtin, its gaping ankle- pieces nugninly gap* 
and nneomely curl and brutally bulge. But it once held a namaa 
toot! 

" Ton miy bmt)c rou msy batter tho boot aa you wltt. 
But the trace oT ' the human ' wdl ellng to it still,'* 

as a lei* mnretriaions and more genttliiely graphic Uooki tnlgkl hav* 
sung— had ho b"en man eaonill. 

It ii the only suggestion of " poor hnmanlly " within tight, thi* 
damp and disintegrated highlow. Bnt how it rcdormi mrro Natnro 
from negation and nnltity ! That is beoauae " tho low sad music of 
humanity'' breathes through tte gapmgsout — I should say sole — and 
age-wiirn eyea^that is to say, eyclet-hulea. It transmatet the 
languid lyrie of Niubu-tike Nature at oaoo into a nirrinr «pie of 
soul-flushed Life I The Roman was right:— 

" Homi sum : humsni nihil a me aliensm puta." 

—not even a human higWow ! It ipcnks of povortv, it whitpera of 
the war* of r lass, it hints not indistinctly ot the Unemployed! It 
bears a warning to Iho autonratio WAiitiKN, and the tmooltBl 
tmnohcon-bearprs of Trafalgar Rquaro I So here in the lonBl7tltu£- 
lodden heart of thn laaltixa wintry woods, thnre wells up ^gi tbt 
flhill. but oroRular lips of unpUaaantly damp and diaggled. bat Mwgr 
sublime and sympath>!tio Nature, a roesaage to oaite-ruled, ooulr 
housed, bnt always d-npitieally-disposed Han,— proud nun, OTCMa 
in a little brief (Tory) authority, which soon the indignant Toin of 
a too-patient, but omnipotent proletariat, shall hnrl 

[Ni> Ihsnk ynu ! Tbia it " hmkint it to (om<< uasful cad," vlthavengtaMa. 
Tho article wai cvidontly inleniloil for a penny pawr. A "MsBd" tf 
gmiihir giiah liidir imitilcil frnca pixr JimKiss,aiid Daitiaan spite of the 
TFgulslion poliliosl palif rn. will not cuit i/r. /SinrA.— kSl] 



£^ MffTiex.—BejevtnS Coiamanienicm oi Contributions, whelhsr VS., Printed Usttor. Drawings, or Piclorai of any deloHptiOD, viQ 
la oa cMfv bt rciarui/a. uoC area when sceompanifd tv a Stamped and Addieaied Knvelopa, Cover, er Wrapper. To tU* 




FtRRUAKT II, t888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



A PLAecx on thoM 

wowleiiold luhWr« 

The t«uli tu t-) ihiik 

u)d to khrink ! 
If wa df OUT (<>M wmld 
be drnbbcM, 
TVo mm! not] only 
ficht, ws moit 

Hw Bowd wsra kit 

ieti&«,ui4 f tvic- 

g*d it, Ciet tffof . 

And ITamiltox (OOb 

T^d hr iUd-Tape's 

■tat«ra]«», 

Ha Wkcd up Um 

«ld(<K>U. 
I'd h4Tft Wtktd.tlM 

whAle Board, ftr< 
udwtntdit, 
For, hue ft 1 Inn't 
rtud Eiog Log t 

7b Mr* A faw thon- 
Mcda of sninMU. 

ThaT'd rniBtbtvhol* 
CanmoDwealth. 
Ib«y 'n • lot ol iDcom- 
^Pftant iuAU«*, 
Wha MB BriUia'a 
uiahr br itcalth. 
Tbv vBl hU in Uio 
pit wbm they'Ta 

I Kftre the old 

I Iwiitpd i£«ir«muui 

folly ; rSou.T ; 

B«, no donbt, did 

Ootaax twifirod it, 

•kt lU of 'em 

tmuwdit: 

Bnl-lli«r iil knnek- 

Uddovn to Siag 

Lctl 



NO KINO LIKE LOG. 
Lnn Ch-bl-s B-b-ep<bd w«j)t.— 





■1 Kw%-)V, 



THK QALLJUIT TAR C B. ATTACKIKO THE AUUIKALTY L&KD-LCBBERS. 



tfudedUiBy'dyicMtoiaTprauhiDr. 

Bat ttu rauffi bthiod Hauiltov iluok. 
SinUi ura to wood dammio i^ U'doIiiuk, 

Th«j- 'rn victin* to folly ocd funk. 
I dr«« out tor catlut, he tirtRRtd it. 

Tlu wltaU M of blackhead's 1 'd !Log. 
Tc B- twigged, ud O. tiri?7"l> 

And Hahiltox, ht tvigs<d; 



And 1 twif^nd, and all KnnUnd tWREn^ >t ; 
And yet I'm ohunkid out for RinK Lagl 

laltllijtmoe? Pahl tW'i* P«*t think ing ; 
I They 're ghosti, only fit lor the i!ra»e, 
'I'd anye Rmaahed the uld daffcri like 

wiukinfTi 
' When HiHiLtoH stepped in to Mve. 



For me. in a moment, I twisged it. 
That Enxtaud they'd Lud in a 
bog. 
One day, late or early, 
Jonn Bull will havo (airty 
rcroeirod Chaklst's right ; tMrlng 
twifterd it. 
By Jore won't be gn for EJdk Lag ? 



I 

4 



THE ALDERMAN'S CATECHISM. 

QtHMum* to ht antnrrtd ht/ AlJermm Ehet, iifore being ckthtd 
m'M lh» Crimti/n Jiulc <•/ OJJSe*. 

Wkit ■(« krs JOQ luppoHd to be f 

H«r kiD( hare you bMa thftt ajfe !* 

Whkt )■ Tonr tpMialoeesMlion after your ordinary ooenpktionf 

Wbat dia yoa pconuNUdvawwbcmaudRHitngyuuictirutituuatat' 

Have yoa a Kood etlUr of wine Y 

"What i« til* Tiotjurn of your oldr»t Tort P 

Wlut i* your candid opinion u to dry Chumpogno K 

Are yod thoraaghly icqaniutcd with Pcofeaaor ToOLl'i Practic* 
Hf Xagi*tratttt 

Do yon tinetfily think that yon can dine oat four nighti a vtfk 
fcf aU iooMMtv* monUu, and itill come up rmilinii f 

When rtMbiDC b««D«, after a truly irnrgraiii baniuot, do yOQ find 
■ST diSeutty of n "truly rural" chanxiUT? 

Will you tantper JQiitioe with meroy in all caMi of oompuatiTtly 
mild inebrlatko f 

Han you » thotwoKh knowledfe of the Law and Practice of Crf- 
minalt? If not, why not ? 

Will yon tlwaya draw a proper and rtipeotful diitincttun between 
n btt Ivr £^ at T«tten«Jl'>, and ooo for a paltry halt-crown at a 
nm vnlnr pnh ? 

WImb do r«n pnrpcM laying in yanr wine at the Haiuion Boom 
m pHparatian toe yovr Uaycralty f 



Which is your favourite Cookery Book f 

Have you thoroushly mastered the myitcriea o! tbe letter H ? 

We will nut intuit you by ukinK if you are a Tfctutaller, but oan 
yoa take your buttle of '17 Purt after dinuFr like a ^cntteman Y 

Can you cdottmiilatu witbuut a ahutlder tho takiDg npon youreelf 
the VttrlunB arduous dutiea of a Shc-nll? 

Have you wimmtcced preparing yourtolf by joining eeTenJ Livery 
Ctimiiamei f 

Will yuu proonre and commit to memory an eloquent form of 
Worii> i-ipre«.ivo of profound gratitude for a foait to your health t 

When Shcri0. wtU you tnko pfpocial care that the Old Bailey 
LunciicoDi mniiitatn Ihtir ancient reputation f 

Will yoQ give T<iar whole mind to thi> important IBkttnP 

Have j(ju caniully itndied before dinudr tho difl«reooa between 
tbe Btatutei in oon&nement and the Statute* atlargvf If wezptaiii 
it folly. 

Finally, will yon promiee and Ww uv«r to Isdiilr* in uctceniiy 
JeetinK Of boutennu neTTiment, as nlltdac th« oharaatir of a 
pieaent Aldennan, a probable Sheriff, asd a pottlble Lord U^jpt f 



" NrriTNo Tim Wrus pon Pra«." — Thii wae the title of a abetch 
in a reef nt niinbtr of ihe Spf-rtnig and Diomatit Neat. At tlrtt 
litht it aonndid K^mrwhat •ufrgettive of otrtein proetfdinei at tha 
Gro»v«nnT Gallery in onnneolion wiEhtbe BaUt-CamjaHUadifficalty, 
but cm cIoMTimpeoIionwefcninditWBsapiamtcri*! illiutreAvm.. 



vu. XOT. 



Fbsiuabt 11, 1888.J 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 



I pi 



EN, KOW, AND HEREAFTER. 

iTkrtt f'irtBt tf tilt iami SvbJKU) 
TIEW I.— Tm» Pmhii(1,b P*«t. 

Trx Cktlifdral wt« fllUd with wonhippen. 
Th« organ p<«l*d thr«iiBh tha Biilea. The 
(tattly procfMion of Moiik* wBiidcd il« w»y 
Ihrongh the nnvc to IIib alUr-utfpi. 

It W1UI then th&t tbu I'rcUto dcaocndcd 
fcoDihU throne, and Ic^unmr oa hii putund 
•US, niwd Ml rlRht hand ta bbu thn knEcUns 
tbrvag b«for« him. 

Tke avert ttmci qf th« Chnnti mntio' died 
•w*y, uid in ft liUiiM wlemn and awc^in- 
■pi nnx, tlu BouM of tti> Hirtrr «n«liriii*d la 
tr>1d udpnooiu atoBM, wtn pkocd in tha 
r«ocpt«de that had bMB raMrred for tb«n ! 

VIEW 11.— Thk PoainvK PamitT. 

Tha lahonrer* polled out tkv ftooM front 
the frast o( th« altar, fhio of the dub 
■nddralr ttUM upon ■ nrfSn. With an ex* 
dMBation of mirpriw be iLttract«d the atten- 
tion <f ma niata. 

Thar lud oome at lentth apon the buneal 

They were a little »Urtleii at the inddcnt 
They nad exprotwl no suuh immrdinto di«- 
OOTtry. Thn jnit tnrntd over the rMaUoa 
t* »«e that they were not miifd with nny- 
tiiiag more Talnable, and acnt for tnt 
Authoritits. 

The Aiitltoritiea hnrricd into tho nrypt, and 
BamUtdUiabaneawithvcrynitaral onriotity. 
To whom Maid Ihey bdongP Did they 
Mdonjr to Um P That wa* the qiiPHtinD. 

T^ losf Ixnw teemed part of a Kood-«Ti:ed 
Itg. Tbatcraniiun wat ovidcDtlj a portion of 
a iktil]. Had the (Icnll bMB oneked or 
br^enf Important qiiwtieiu tluM, uid 
•OBM d«r to be anaw«n4. 

BottM ronainawara in a iftd Mnditiont 
Th<y w«T« qoit* dirty. This wa« hirdly a 
Tcaaon for Mtoniahinwt They hnd luiii nn- 
dutorbedfaseentaricaiD thdr oldtaihiiincd 
ataaa-oeffin. So tlio beet thicjc to do wu to 
ftra tfaen what they must seeded— a giwd 
waahlBil So they were wuhed ! 

Whan tliay ware niw and oIpm they wera 
NBdy far tha aaatomiit and the rip*rt. Hat 
wharo oonld tier b« eiamiiied f Not in the 
oonsnaa of a OatWral Crypt, then why not 
u tbe neiiihhiwirlnt hntuo of a local Official ? 
A board oa a tofa in tho drawin j-room wuuld 
Mthanry thiitrl 

8o wttbent a Unmr of wonkippert, mintii 
uaawMt muie of an mt*a, and !□ defiuiM 
ff wfaat PubUe Opinjoo mi)[tit tav aboat dia- 
inUninic honaa raauisa, the Bonce of tbe 
fustgt vtn plaoed on the reoeptaole that had 
OMB KMrred for than 1 1 

VIEW ni.-Tan Fbowsimo Funrwu 

The MoMiua waa filled with irarioiitiM. 
Hero vu a newepaper five hundrtd ytoj-B old. 
Tnya waa a fun that %k6» uko used to bo 
Maoad with at*cl nhot and pnnpowdor, 
Jgy w WM a thing called an anolior that tho 
nanatn of oldfn times witc wont to eni- 
PIDrtoMher thoir wal«r-buati to tho aoa- 
Doaadahen. 

Two Ben w»re huidling aonu konuin re- 
Bniaa. A third held a book fiUad intb en- 
BM. All thrw eiprceMd cnrioaity, and 
eloealy ciunin^d ihe UbaU attached to the 
iBtafeating a^liibdta. 

T* whom eonld tbey hire helonjM? 
Wera ttey oBee tbe fnune-work of a giant f 
Had th.r <Km» from a battle- field ? 

The throe nteuahook tbtdr heada. They 
did n»t know 1 Thm waa no one handy 
**«*5™tl Sot Kot even an onntomio^ 
azparti Ao! Not ertn a prying member 
ot a Cathedral Chapter : The running had 
batter be put in a oaM labcll(4 "Minel- 







(( 



BOUND TO PART." 



TsB Dorni.1 InuM Jia xi oknoKa [a la "Du-uli Ili^ttxrirs nc Frrrana,"] bt thou 
<:'ourLisHU( AarUTve tbm Maiiqcm or RiuuoN tjn> tdk "Sr. Jr<r or rni Qlad- 
ifroMiAJ* rjutTT."— "wa TBAXX Taax, OoaoiiBS, ron tbaohiso pi that woan,"— nan 
WIKK. AT DvBtiJi. 



laneoni." B'> without lh« tmall«at mark of 
rvHpuot. without the leaet ehow of MOleaiaa- 
tioal ipltndour, without a chanoe of ohallenic- 
ing Piihlio Opittion, tlio Bonn uf Ihu Martyr 
were planrd in Die reoeptaoU that had been 
rcMTTcd for tbemlll 

Mbs. Kam i* goinE t^ take aclaMata San- 
day School. Shetulrl hrr uivoe, " I Hhall hear 
the children thi^ir c^Iaptaims nud initruot 
them m (he three critils, wliiL'h my dear, aa 
the Ulih'^'p said in hii icmii'n (he other day, 
are the Eputlea' Cr*«d, The Lyoeiim, and tbe 
Karinaccouj Craed." 



A FOFVLIS Cbt.— Palion for tho People I 

A Senth London Falac«, a North I^ondon 

Falaoe, an Eut London P^», a Wnt 

London Palaoe—eo many Pulaota for tho 

. People of Lond'tn. Why not alv *o many 

I halls and loeptrea, bo many orowni, and 

f lusty of them for liia Mijeitr the I.oadaB 
eopU Y liut then, for the muftitudfe of the 
ppopio nncmpluycd lh»t want bread, what 
will, I'alDCGi at all iiniLrtcrt of the oompuii 
prove, bat piUa of itooe that will not teed 
ihomP 



"To ■Wrr«BiMBn«l."-Ontaaiileal Boy 

I bai retomed to lohool. We have lont him 

UBPsoFTtABLB. — Bpeoulating oa a " d««d your letter, and hope to hear from him next 
oertainty." 1 week.— Ko. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 




ARI.— Fmruaiit 11, 1888. 




tEENA. 

TIIK CONKr.ICT. 



FraacABT 11, 1868.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



69 



When nmrd with iwnrd ahnU oonnter, and ihisld 

tballolMbicithihiFld, 
Which lUeihill kiutbe Mwdnst, wHich hnat ahill 

hold tho field, [U. t«7, 

A Uiue which vu prophotio perolj&nce micht dwe 
L«t onn. whjnh it mora modnt, lUnd ny and 

mark the trxj. 



MR. PUNCH'S EXAMIMATiDN PAPERS FOtI 
YOUHC PEOPLE. 

mjHSERI EEYMB PAPER. 

1. Otn tome ocooaat, in yonr owa wordi, of tba 
doOMtiti diilcrciioc batirecn Mr. and Mn. John 
Spnt. In wbftt mtnnnr wiu ■ oomproni)M finallr 
urindat? 

3. WhatwM the mmu (or bill of far*) of the 
w«iidin«'bT«akf ut on the muriaic* of Cook R»bb 
wUh Jenor Wran? What wai the fate of 
tlu bridegrtwiTn f Who wen the prlDeipal wit- 
ww iwof lhBtr«)r»dr? Whoaot*da8, (I) Shmud- 
■ukar, (SJ Cnd^rlsher, (SI Orave-dijfirtr. (4) Par- 
no, <5) Boll-riniter, on tblt melanoh<>lr oooiKioa f 

3. " irAo ti'Hi't hrret" "A Orrnailifr .'" 
Enlain the obj<-ot of hla rialt. Buw was he 
adoTMand in oon«eiia#iio(! F 

A. Mention the variuus munnen in which 
p«ua-l>addiD)t can be pmpamt fcr tabltr. 

5. What were the oliiti h.>rtiiiullural produota 
of the carden of " Mary, quitu contrary " ? Can 
tb«r M aoooanted (or by any refcrenot to h«r 
diapMttioBp 

0, OiT« the farourito fcrcul of [ii] Hindy Spindy 
Jaok-a-Daody : 'S) Utile Jauk Horner ; i»Uttli! 
Hin MuSH; (Jl Stmplo Simon : (e) The Man in 
the Mean ; (j) Tho Kat, and the Frog who wonld 

a-WWriB|Ip>, 

7. Hiiw many ermivd* wuro mn by Mother 
Hubbunl on her dug'* account F On one nnoasinn 
the ie noordod to hare Ronn to thq joiner'a — for 
whatF and how did aha find th<i Aog ^nga^ed on 
bw return f IlaTO you any rnat'in for belieTlng 
that the dig wu nat a ToxtotalUr t 

1. What wai th.! oorreot annwtr to the tiaestion 
atked by thn Man in the WildertieisP 

B. Give thn <'iiot quantity, and deatination, tA 
Black S1m«p'« wool. 

10. UelilAany cirounutaDoea youremtmberoon- 
DMtod with the poMeuion of a Crooked Sizpenoo. 

11. Wnta down the uamei ol all the tunei with 
wfatdi Ton tlw Piper's Son U «aid to hare been 
aoqnaiatod. 

ii. Traos the rarioui prooeuen which ar« n- 
onlrtd btf«fe the old woman'* pig conld be in- 
doitMt to (Bt ovdt tiw atilo. What wa« the origina] 
«Mto(ttusp(«r 

13. A wnain oat wnnt to I.ondon to look at the 
UUKEV. Do weiwucH any, and what, acoonotof 
tiM uanaec in which abe employed hereelf on this 
OMufDaf 

14. To what wmild yon oonipire " a man of 
wordi. and not of d*odsf" 

15. Dcicribii the t\«x\dk, omw, and cargo, of 
tlM thip oominanded by a duok that wai onoe 
obserred " a-tailini: on the aea." 

IS. Mention any aluKulEirily that nncnrii to yon 
IB tha appearanee of t1i(> liuly whci wr> li he seen 
riding in the nelgttboutUood of Ilanhnry Crwif 
How wa* (I> the ptrton who wont to «ee her, i-i) 
tha todr h«ratU, mmmledt' 

11. In irlttt reepeot wn> Vht< condiltrtn of tbe 
Iittl« pix wbo went to narkot better than that ot 
tlw little pdK who rnnainod at home f 

18. Eotmerate the chief cootantf of the House 
tiiat Jack built, and fi.n tome aooount ot the 
priampal ptmonB who naidad in ita Tioinity. 

19. Ocotraat the ohancten of Tommy Oreen 
and Tommr Trout (or RtoutV. aitj eivo a abort 
aMoturtofKobbtnUM Bobbin, Pettirfiper, Thomai- 
a-Tatamiu, Robin and Rtuhard, Margery Daw, 
LitUo Jompiag Joan, Mother Ouuse a^ her iSon 
Jade 

30. What cel«br«t«d oharanUr vxcnxd htniMlf 
from aiDtioit in aooiety on tho ground that "a 
ooJd had made him aa hoane aa a boR f " ShonU 



THE PARLIAMENTARY OWL (GENUS " COMlIOBrSi" SPECIES 
aiUTaiAH) PREFARUia TO POUNCB- 




«^iu»- 



JV\.\* 



Wnxs M.P.'i come at the Party call, 
When Will from Florence fair doth hail; 

When ahindv vakee in Bt. ^tepheo'e Hall, 
When Tonea row and Kadu do rail ; 

When blood oomea hut, tind speeob flom 

fuul. 

Them, eager eite the etariog Ovl, 
Tu-whit; 
Tu*who ;— a warning^ note ! 
How on the pounoe hu ey«a do gloat ! 



When borM bUre forth and boattara blow, 

And iMrinc drowns diiounin jaw ; 
When PnL uta brooding, br>wi bent low. 

And HuLT'a note in o -cVd at I.«w ; 
When hot Home-Rulori bii* and rrowl. 
Then nightly Mtt the watohfal Owl, 
Tu-whit : 

To-who ; — a warninj note I 

Ho '■ on the ponnoe; they'll oatoh It 
hot! 



yoa b« moat inclined to aacrjba thia to — (L) oSence at the manner in whioh the 
retiuu^t WHS m^e '( (il.) uHeutution, and a deeire lo be further preued i (iii.) an honatt 
alatemcnl of tliH literal truth 'f or (iv.) a mere excuw, intended to ooneeal a natural 
wantuf voual tultsntl' Give reatwui for your answer, {S.B. Cuwlulafei are not rffin'rwl 
(o atiempl more than one-fotirth ofiKe oiore qut*tiant.) 



"JACK'S ALIVE!" 
Wbo killed Joitti HaDuitm:) MosTon F "I," taya t^e Salvrday Bme», *' in my 
article on LABicmc, Jannery ti." But who law.htm alircf "1 did," siyi one of 
Mr. Punch') t rusted oontributort, "quite recently;" and wo are informed that, "the 
late Mr. Madsisoh Mobtok," a« toe Saturday B^Tlowlit caJitd him. ia Mill "all nlive 
0." and ia one of the dixperted Cbirterhonte Brethren, qnite 0<>*y and oomfurtable. 
Nat to very long a^o hu wan prment aa a riaitor at a meeting of '* The Urhan Clnb." 
Long live JOBH MiDDieo.i MuutonI fiuCa^rvpoeot LiSiCB^ Joax UaDDiso^ Moh- 
ton'n Sox and C'ojr is ■■jmuthiog m<]rB than a mere adaptation of FrifttU.—lh'iagh, we 
admit, that a iimall but tclliuK portion of its dialogue ia timply literally trariHlated, 
— hflcaiin' MAiinisoK Momujk poeseaiwd an original ttylu u( dialogue,— mAiV trligif i/tuid 
not M'<'ldiiionartl ,—aai in thn inatanue, uoIl-bii wb huve been fur many ytHre much 
mintaiten (in whiohca»B"thelateMr. MtDDiauHMoiiroic" will be in time to curreol Ub), 
he made n«e of two pieces boeidea the opeiolta FiUetlr [to which otaat of eutertaiuBieut 
the (iiroe returned undi>r the reversed title of Cox and Box, with Hpti.i»AN'8 immortal 
muBio and an entirely nnw ehara<it*r, Srrgeasil Ajuimwi')— and J. M. M. "combined 
the iufurmaliun " in conoooting Soi aaJ Cox. But M»Dliiaoir Moktok deaervoa 
literary and dramatic immortality if only for having inTcnted Ibo title Sox and 
Ctix. !.*imchk'b FrisrtU haji long ninoe been forgott«n, but Uoiiiim's S<ix and Cox 
livi'B and Honriahea. and viU live— aa will also Cox and (th» tnatieal) Sox—U> delight 
ages yet unborn. 

Tss pBOPBznc WiLLUir.— " Who'aMaix H. JimaE, who wroto a letter to 'the 
Bosrd of (Faith without) Works,' with the tarma of which it wouldn't comply C" 
" Well. I <lun'l eiautly know ot what race or raligion be may bo," replied hi* friend ; 
" but tjBAK&FAiBa muit have had him in hie miad'a eye when he made Uraliano tay, 
'Makk Jin>OB,alean)od Jevl'" 

"RsaDiire Bnwnci ibm Lurnt."— T«ry dangerooi pracltM, speoiaUT when th«r« 
arebatna outnicf. 



I 



ArPBoriiUlB AMVamsn roi Lnrr.— Viaita to the I.oaii CoUeotkiiu. Old Msatera 
(till on view. 




PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




[FuBWJAax 11, 1888 



NUMBER ONE." 

Snitsro^m (on rt*i> iMy lo Paria). " You "ke buws Vob 'bb <jrir« wim( A^tii courOBTABLt, 
Uvii- Bridi. "On rw, D«*Ji-«urr»." 

SridMToom. "I nan'r lik« to mb you •irrtito wmi todr B*<k to thb Enoisb, DaB' 
USo, Yon PON'r fitei. *Kr DBAtwiirr' £ruf^ "Ofl, (tor thu suoHrserl" 

ifnWjmwm (ifAorfeu,'). "Tukb, SwBrruT, wouti) »ou mimd Cuakoivo 



orima liid to his ohArRo, ff4y doe* Im 
reoeiTB the " Qdbks'b nirdoa f " 

" ^'tL" '*• «•"-<'»').— la the ab<»Te in- 
■tuioe, JTAy doesn't the untortunBto *ieti« 
receive "the Uusbn'h Amplo Apolofj," 
uid a hindBoma pi<iuioD tt>r ufp ? 

" }Fhy" thi Third.— Tt» hOtta KilOE 
hu ■ llemembconoer, TTAy •honld not Uw 

QcBKH hBrg an AlHiluKi't f 

" WT^" the Fourth.— When. « aui i« 
OODdemnetl to drntb on uvidenoe ouutd*nd 
jintati a factory by the Judco, and aTUlaBtlT 
so by the pTiblio, tf-'Ay it ho r«pri«Ttd »nd 
MDt into penal MirTitadc f 

*' tf7,ii " tht Fifik. W\y to Im Bot 
acquitted F . . 

■■ Why" th* SUth. If thin ii tba Uw of 
tbeLBod, FI'Ay ian'tit kltervdBtMiM}' 



"THANKS FOR KIND INQUIRIES." 

Sir.— AmnDmt odTertisemeDtt wliiob murkllr decorate tlie ttBtioni ot the mott nsefal 
ni'triot lUilvay, hax )H>ru sppearlnifne hpsdnl Olympia. nod ond^rnMth thia, in it&rinr 
cspital*. tb« word* " !,«»[ Mouth! " Now, Sir. what in thu iiio ct Bd«-Ttiiin(t " liil month?" 
Who cartiFi what Went on la*t month at OlympiaC If the ahow ia to attnuit. lot them 
BDaouQcH what ia Ruinf; on " thU month." Vonn, &e., K>r Sat. 

Sib,— I don't fi mneh into the thratripnl world, (o I wuit to know from yon ia the 
fcport truv that Mr. Gillik Kabiitiiiau. th« sotor, late of the Vandeville. baa romn into a 
ItffV tiirtnoe and t* gnia^ to hav« a hvnrlit ? Okb Wuo IIqksn't Know. 

Sarcral land iiiqairen nffains thomi«!r«a "Mef«M, Wy«, Wwfor * Co.," writ« u 

B'Ay " the fi>t(.— When a man hu been undpr([oLa? pHul eerritttde for Mver&l 
00 the dlK«TtiT that ha hui betn oojiutly •enteocod, and ia euUrdy innoookt ol the 



"WHERE'S RAMSOATE?" 

[Mt.JiatittHaKkini. Whvro ii KMBMlt*) 
Mr. liutnu. Il U in TTun-l. vmir LarfiUk. 

" Whbkk'b Ramigato P" Jurtioe Bawkiot 
cried. 

"Where on onr «rthly pUn»ty" 
The Ivamed Di( KEin ttraight r«^i«d, 

■■'Tia in the lale o( Thanet. 

" Bamiirate ia where the par««t air 
Will make ymir hrnd or leg well. 

Will jaded appetito repair 
With the ahrimp euro of Pc^wtll. 

" Where 'a RaTn>gnt« Y It J* n«ar the plaot 

Where Jplios C.i;«ar wadri. 
And nearer still to where hia Gra«D 

kMnvwnss come one day did. 

" All barrinters should IUm«eat« know : 

I speak of il with pleasure, 
tlu'ith lliCKENS, " There I often Jto 

When wanting arefrcaher. 

" Where's RamssateF Where I'r« often 

seen 
Both S-mh-kxk and Dd U-b-o, 
Wh«n I have gone by ^ \h 
Granville Kxpr»aa, Violciri«r, 

" With Thanet Hsrriers, when yon ar» 

Wfll mountixl on a pony, 
You'll say, lor health who'd KQ Ml far 

Aa Cannea, Niw, at Mentooel* 

" With PoLiKD, of the Trtaiory, 

Jleeiirdtir eke of Dover, 
I oft ?n down tor pleaBnrer. 
Alaok I 'tia too aoon over 1 

" O'er Thanet't Isie whtre'er yon trudge, 
My Lad, you '11 find no land which " 

"Dkkens take Bamagate!" qooth the 
Jodite. 
"LuaoheonI t >m ofl to Sandwleh ! " 



" WoifDBOin Kufii."— Two cirde of ad- 

miasion to the Chnroh of AU Saints, Lam- 
beth fur a " !^lf inu OtQoe," on tha oeoaaion 
of thu Cuntennry ot "The Yoaiw Pro- 
tendcr." (January 31) were forwaroed to 
our Uilioe, whioh ia nut a "solemn" one. 
Mr. Punch \xn to aokn-MTledRO th«ir 
rnoeipt, and fnUv appreciates l>f. Lkb*8 
aympathy with a I'retendcr, whether yoonit 
or old, piLst or pr«»ont. 




Tub Potition atalnst admiMioD of Women 
to degrees at CamhrtdcD, has been eent 
ronnd for mgnature. The basis of the 
pstitinn is that thoy haro already mopp 
than Thren .Qrano* of tho Souate. Suoh 
extra sraofA ai tbn lAdiea would bring with 
them Miing ■aporduoiu, might result in 
dij-gncos. 




Jliiuif (if C'»'i>i>in", Tumdiij/ XighL HsTlniT a r*hearwU ^>-[UKht 
of our Op*nin]i Day on Thundny. Thinjtn a little mised, ib appear* 
fram •kcteb Uk«n on apot hy <lirn ArtiBt. But of (Xiurga on these 
ooeuioMi irtm Str*Dg«rt' Onllirieii are cl«ar«d, we do i.'retty^muofa 
M«» Wet. Brxucm, aawlU bn se^n, i* in liiRh Bpirita. A little 
WDmIm*. I fftCCT, of lulvintnirei iu 8et-ofF of bis lljtiue &K&i[ut Lobs 
(teurcnUB. Bat n^RniniiK OtFFABU doesa't mind. , 

" I •pprowli cpeuios ot Seuioo ivitli cusy euasoif uoe, Dou losx," 
ha MJdiJiutiiAW. "Haven't Leld ulliuti mure thut twayeM».uil 
Ma U7 Of band on mr heart aud nay thrre's nut an nnolo, a 
Mnaia, «r Ul ttiint tllftt I liaTun't iitii mmfurliblr prividrd for. 
Can I do t&TtUoir t*" TOO, old buy '; Lik« tu bo ■ ltcfri>triu-, County 
Onrt Jndn, or anythinic rlBeiit unubtmiiTe but <ioiafmrtably-MlBit«a 
way f Hiuut it orcr and druji mc a lino." 

niaafcUow, BiUBDKTl A* Coi.Kun>'i( uyi, bs •ddtdigmtr to 
tk* Wooluck, and bia nlationi ta thn li't nf our Mdatiad official*. 

QLiUMiTOXK har», fitak front Floi«ioei alio QiaaDOLPK, tnilaled 



with the oonlidenco* of the Ci!»B. Say* it'i " all a flam " nbnnt hia 
propnain? to nettle tho Balgarian Quoitian by (uuoocdiiig FsKSI- 
]»»Hii. ■'reraon I'm going to aoccocd," my» Gm,KinjU'ii. "i» the 
MarkJu. Shall b«giit at earlitst opportunity to coQUoeiioe operationa 
for tiniii«tluit him. 

Q&ANDoun Tvry ooDfid«at, bnt rather qnuls under cya of 
Asi'HDa BtLPOUR, irho walk* jtloomily armind. All v«ry wuU to 
propuau to bimirlf awkward Botiona on foreijtQ atfain. But luppoae 
BaLroiii wrru Ut ukp him into priaon fur a e<)U{>le o! muothaF 
SafTE^nt thin tu U&iHEioiFH. He, in his punvdreatiuunl war, layt 
'■ Hammon I " but pvidrutly Seriouilj' iwrturbcd. Nu1i>;ed betook 
opiKirtiiiiity latiir of tiTuiively shakinK bauds wllb Vi. H. Smra, 
iuq airing with friendly oonwrn aflor ln'idlli of Markiiu. uod pro- 
Moded at "omo lonicth to UiBOuia pruapeuta of the Stvflion. Ju«t to 
kmp bia band in. t^uirii pduuom], and on a Diviaion ijueiiliuu pat— 
Whtoh aido of th« Homn hhnil wb bo sitting ou wboil nsw St-aawo o4 
lf!>9 opens f Antuitr GiVcn.— None. 



y 



I 



I 



73 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



(PsaaDABT 11, 1SS8. 




RESm.T OF THE UNIVERSITIES' RACE. 

{Juvrditiy to Mr. OneSat.) 

AUtUtiu— 1. IMn Ytnf—t. Intpllwlml Inlemt-0. 



TAKEN AT A DISADVANTAGE; 

Or, JFhat (I nlffii tome to anj) lioy, ifafaita iAomW happm to bt 
Ir/l in tkt Santti p/an " UnintcllisinM Z><pirfm«nf." 

A ChambfT at (A« jtdmiraily. Rttpoauhh OOloial diteoctred 

ttltiing hi m le !/ doten la a e^mfortablt prrutnl of tht " Ti'iiiri." 
Jin ttuurnly luri-r^i it for a momenUiehmhe luddenly $iarlt up 
frum hi* Mat a* if that, 

QoodncH Krtci"u»I Whftt'« thii? {Hiiading.] " War <]iinUr«il 
hj Frsooe \ut niaht." "OibtftlUr ioTtsttd hy a Frcaah Fl*«t" 
"Fifteen iruDokiix tmd fifty torpedo- buntii nnseniblnl at Rrest," 
"Tho comTnnui! nf tliB Chinnnl ih«'«tflnr't ! " Dn«r me, [ dare aar 
now thoy (ion't know it «t PoiUmoiilh. Thin inrnally vcnrawkwanl. 
I wondur, by Ihw way, what I did with that lint of availahlo »hipi. 
IFutnblii at srfrriil nifninhi'Ui. end tlnally tmu-hr.A hand-hi-U. 
Knitr a Wi:ll-or({iinii(« ('Ifrk.j Ila ! Mr. Jo!tEs, I «iippf.s(i Tou 'tb 
iitKri thr nnwB '< War droUr*a. ChanoM thTn»t*n[d by the Frenoh. 
Moat awkward picM (>I bu*iD>>M. It 'a all in the papers. 

Wrlt.i:rganittd I'ltrk 'tmilitio^. R*«lly. Sir? I hsvwi't heard it 

SRt lutrtiirtwd in tho Office. War with France ! It wmnda quit* 
ke a Tomano*. [Smi/rt ogaia. 

SmftmtiiU OJHiyial. Jntt ao. But I auppMe the Buard havo h»d 
torn* UtioMtion of the faot ThouKh [rrHrclirtty). now I oomo to 
think of it. I dnn't iiippaio they bavn. You had brttrr acnd roand 
the lutul letter. [ Uproar tri'MouC. 

WaU^rganittd Clrrk. laflarocly tbink.Sir, thitwlll bo ncoruary, 
ai I faney 1 hear the Toinea of aoino of " my Lords," eran now, upon 
the ttatra. [Ownit th* thifiT.) Ah I hcte they are. 

\_A btey ttf Lordt of llu Admirall^ pnur into l/m r/uim grtttfu- 
lating iritdly, ii»d tngagtd in a fi*TC« and rterinuti'itory 
aUtrtati'tn. 

T,iordt of tht Jdmiraily (in ruttfuitd ffntrut, all lofethrr). Ah I I 
knew what it woa KntainK to I Well, why didn't jou opfn your 
month abiiat it? Wlmt buiiin««« i» that of youn, I ihuuM lika to 
know! WboMTiwD havru't ipit Iho K'l"* ready? 1 Baid it wu 
the powder. Tbe brBt thinK yuu pan do is Ifi " that up," Hu ! 
WOOUlyonF A prroiuuit "Bra" Lord foUMel Wh* JOU 'r« notbins 
but • land-lohber! It's all yuur duicf, 4Dd I'll iirove it. Oh, 
hold your rowt 

litipamitilt OJUfiat (at latl getting a ttard in). Well, mv Lorda, I 
■uppu>(>. a* tbinfta appear to bavD arrived at — ahem I — k onaia 
(liproorl, that yon havp como for noine — some or — infoTmation u to 
now wt) are prepared' I might Bay, ready to meet it 

[ Itfneiord uproor. 

Firil Lord igetling a htariag). That '• it. In tbe &nt place, how 
■fo wo oS OB the home utetionB for •h>n« F 

linvontAh Official. How ar« we nfl? Ah t to be cure. Ofeoune. 
[Fumhiing at pigronholrt.) I had a liit, I faocy, deal ill it, with 
lomnthing of the eort, here the othtr day, but I ciiTi't. for tht- life of 
me, pnt mT baud un it. Do yuu romcmbcr, Ur. Jokes, wluit wu did 
wilb thatlirtP 

Wrlt-urgnuiifd Cttrk [nfttr tomt rtfUdimt). I fanor, now you 
come t> mention it. Bir. thai Mr. R'ihinkiii arnt it to fthmrTiBw n 
few wetki ago. I thick tbey wanted it for aoroe roaaon or n>her. 

[ t/pntar, 

Firtl Lord, Really, thi» !■ aKmiraMo. Can yon fell n» whiilher 
w* hrtTB a bLdkU ihip ayailable fur the proteotbn of the Channel f 

[Jttrt. 
XatpOMiVa OfflfinL Welt, my I/wd, I Bbrmldn't like to Bay lor 



oertain : but, I ahonld'hope'ao {lUgWy tutlltd).* Yon oannot reaann- 
ably tiprnt thia n<ip*rtm*nt to tell Ton everythiiiK. But I will 
telafrraph fnr information to P>>rtamoiith. TZJura lo. 

Srfeind I.nrd. 8nt wh«t i* tha ooDdiUoD ot the Flnt tUiierTe f 
Com", iinrely yon can t*ll na thatF {Upmar, 

Third Liiril, And what inatruotions hare yoa acnt to the Com- 
mandera ot tbe China, Paoiflo, and.Afrloan Bquodrntx ? 

[JttTt and thonl*. 

Fourth Lord. What orderahaTe been de^wtohod to the Heditena- 
nean Fleet? [ffrasn*. 

Fifth Lord, la there a ton of powder in itore anywhere ? 

Sixth Lord. HaTo we any iriuu at all ? And if we have— wiU they 
gopfl? [Roar* ffUufkUr. 

Reipimti/il* OJKnal (carried ateau bj/ the g&nrr*l gtltialitjf, ttU 
r*cocerinj him»«lf\. Really, my LordB. you overwhelm me with ysnr 
qnestiona. Why. eome of tbcra, aa yau must be well aware, would 
take month* ti> anHwer. You can't cipcvt a paroel of einljana, who 
ai^ reeponHif^lp fur thrio thintr*. to hive thvm at their BDK*r»' end*. 
Why. the Direi>t<.ir of Xaval Ordnnnoa la i he only one o( na who baa 
any profeBiiDnal aaiiatance to help him. We mayn't mak* muiA of 
it, my iiord". but we do oar best. {Crif»of"Oh! ok!" fetr». and 
uproar, iftiunger tnlrri hurriedly 'sith lerwrai Irt'^ram: Tkrf 
are front the CoiamandiiTii rftprrtimli/ of the China. Pafijie, lutd 
Afrirvin Bqwidrfiiii, Ani/ing Ihty ham ^'j'lut hmrd of the ituthrrak tif 
hoiCilitiei, that th/y are nut of CtiitU and ommunitiott, md are 
tPailing initriirfiont, ahirh mu»t, iotr'ivr. h& 'fit out hu $fi. tie after 
the dripaifh of thidr mritctire menagei the iciret teiU he ettt." The 
fourth ii front th' Admiral in command at Portimortth.) 

JReeponnihle Official [engerlv nprnrna t(). Ha! n"w we shall ko^w 
how we are prepared In the Channel. ThisiBfnim P"rtiim(.iulh. The 
Admiral In oommand telp^apha {rfodA :— " Only vcbbpU here 
H.M.S. Bilgewaler, in dock, with her bottom "If : Tarpaulin, laid 
up with tn-r boilere burit; Racket, ditto, waitinir her n»WBpfcw; 
and the £'ify/prfure. Shemiihthe rot out, but Bho'a atill ihort of 
three of her (tnnB. and the nhell tb»t'» hnsn put nf>"nrrf for thiwo the 
baa irot is two bixpi too hir : but aho haa sot a Nnrdrnfrldt and a 
ooup'o oE OatliniTB thnt only jam now and Ihra ; Bcd though Ihore'a 
•omethinir wroOR with her crnnk that makpa brr onSv poTor aevon 
knot* in tha honr, ynt, takn hrr all round, ahe'a lui tidy a nratt a« 
fans been tnrned out of tho yard f"r unrne itmo now, and miabt have 
a ohanoe of (r<ttin» aafo up the Chinni'l if thnro waa a bit of a foff 
on, and the enemy didn't keep h'a w(a<her-eye too wiiie onnn. Wire 
inBlr'iotiona. Shall I aond her off. or keep her at Spithead lo protect 
the Rvde Sfcamhoat C'linpHny ?" 

[Frantic uproar, amid trhich, afltr thretitt, imjirfealtimg, and 
gntrral rrrrimimilion alt mund, it it drcided Ih^l the " Jtat' 
tteihrt" ami at many of the retieU of the Bvde S-'eamimit 
Compnnv ot "the eon pet to arcompanv her,'' ihali protted 
forihvith to Brett, and da iKeir te'l to blockade the f^^enek 
Flett. pending the six mnntkt or to it may fain the "Hrptirt- 
ment" lo grt thingi a little marl i/rganiied andim k(utdt« 
meet (He immediate nttduititt eontequint OH a tHddta ow(- 
trtak of war. 

a = 

FAIR AND FOWL I 

[Miu HiLXN RATCXim ■ummoni'd <he Ri'TiTrnil Huait Hiw>i*h*fare 

llfmnn iiiiitir1"ii htr. Th" "•« »«« irijiumtd for acltlemtrt. But on 
Friday IhI it su rrpoil'd Ihtt the Ben-hdow had bian buriUiiaad, and 
that the oSrodini ChuilluJvec had Taniihed.] 

Tbat bird of Hawws's 

Did make tuoh fioi-ioej, 
Neiehboura sra vlad it ia gone: 

Playing "Jim Crow" on hie 

Fiddle, and ao on, is 
EUwzis lametitin^ alone. 



Cheernp. HroQ Htwut, Bit, 
Unotttsin Law ii, Bir. 



Saya Helen, " Are Rnrglisir 
{Bird, beyfod ken o* me, 
'Heldbytbnntn-omy') 

Cock-eure to orow OTor Htrsaf" 



Inaoceot Food, 
waa found in Tht Litrrpool Xtrvvrf, 



Tnn advettiatment 
Jan. 27 :— 

AKIED, at end of Ftbreary, a NDKSB, able le bollle a baby. 



W^ 



We do not think ttila wok meant eruelly, ret it i* liaUo to h« ni>- 

UIld■'^»^X"i, Who. (rtc-pt pcrhnpi a ranoihiliilie (tOttmiM) tnt 
heard of '' BnttliMi Btbyf The nearest approach to it U aotUld il 
Sootle't Baby, and that ocrtaiuly wai anoomnioixly psod. 




HoLM-T RATi«7»croBT.— The Very R"t, Dr. Hoi.a waa imlalUd 
ae Dean in Roohrttrr C-alh*dral. M*y«r and Corpnratida att'ndinvin 
Htate. Tba> ia, in the bnl slat* ther ould. In INiolwatOL Catbedlal 
Body Dean Holb woa't do thing* by halTea. 



t^ irarxax-s^feel^j CommaBfcmthas or Con tiiba Hone, wbaUier K8.. rriatal Hattac, Drawing*, or Plctoiea of aay daMriptlm. wlS 
j^ '"_?" ^ ntaraed. n«f ovm wiien aosempaaM by S Stamped and AUnoMil EnTelCiW, Com, or Wiayfan T« thk 




OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 




1^ 



WARREN'S WHITENING. 
Jftt^at-atltU-Home SontlaTy. " Sri.xKt>rncoLLX(-no9c o> 'CoxsTABtu Ti>it*rx 

OCT," 

Sir Ch-rt-i W.TT-n. " BwrrirCT. ' THtrji's nsii wniCB was itMOBt Blal-k. 

AVD 1 BK-irOUED It PBRnCTLT. THmiE'B AVOTaKT: WBirn ONL* Widll A 

Toucn on rwo or hv LuMXMOca Whitzbiks to bm aa noon ai kvbk ir waa." 



PSO BONO PUBLICO. 

EMtnMtr. Now, 8i*, what appointment 4>ryOB <l«i» 
to fill F 

CandidaU. I wi>h to beMBu D«ftn of a'CatliedraL 

S. r«rt»inly. Hayc jou any idM u to row dvtiM'? 

C. I fuiojr i am nspoiuibla fur tho lntj)dia« ud Ha 
ooiit«nt«. 

E. ftnite right. Now. mppoM you or uitoim bid 
TCMons to bclicm that tha hoiici of some irr*«t hittnrloal 
pvnuQ w>>r« hnrind la x ocrttin put. of Ui» Catliednl. 
wh«t woutii Tfn <io ? 

C. I wiKild die fw them. 

E. Quite rJKht. And if foa did 'not find Ui«m in ona 
pUoH, wlwt would Ton do F 

f . I wDttld iOg for them in uinther. 

B. Cfrtafnlf. Quit» right. And if T?n found them— 
wtmt nuit? [CotuKAtfe A««i<<i/M.) WvLl, whftt wvald 
jiju Jo with them f TeeF 

C. {nfUr a p(BUf). I think.I thoold fcm them • good 
wuhinii. 

E. ftnita eoTToot. And tftw theyhid hoenwuhed, 
whftt next F 

C. WrII, TKirbapi it would be well Ui bsve them 
phatofrnphnd. 

77. rnqnnntinnahli'. And After th«y bad been photo- 
gTuthtJ, what wnnld bn your noit (top F 

V. W«ll, I think longbt topiittbnmnamewheTobutdjr, 
where thp y would h« iiArnfnlty ixnminrd by Uu uisntiiU. 

E. Ten, "Wt.ll ? Wliire wonlil that be ? 

C I Mn think of no bettor Muwer than tootebody'a 
drawingr-TOomf 

E. And (hat anawer will do admirably. I un to 
pluaW with your rupliM, that I appoint yon Dean ontU 
the End of tho Chapter. And you may adoEd u yoor 
motto, " Olmm aim diff," 



A LESSON IN LAW; 

' SUBn—InUrior i^ttu Sail of an Inn of Court. Studfnit diteartmd 
tMttd 9t laHttt, mart or iri» atlmtivf. Enttr tK'o Porter*, tchn 
orrMapw « tahU tvmmndfii hji liwig drapfru. Thry thm rftirr, 
gkinfplae* to Leeturcr irAo m renived with applaut', Ht hvtrn, 
and f<l4 bfhitd MU table. 
Ztfturer. QontIem:?n. now that in the Leiral Profeeaion no diatino- 
tion i« known brtwecn BarrUters and Bulioitun, a Lawyer must be 
able to appear In many parU. It is not suHioient that ho may know 
how to addrR» a Jniy or tu draw a britf— he must be oompctent to 
•erre a writ, or po«ibly t-) beoume the I.ord Cbnnuellor. Naturally in 
the latter uharaRt.rr ho woidd huve mnny reminiBL-enue* of the dnya of 
hi* youth. If yon please, I will appear aa the I*nl ChunoAlor. 
{Staopt dmen httUit the tahU. and re-appeari in wi/i and robe.) H'm, 
the Lord Chttncellor. {Applaan.) H'm. hn, h'm. This i> a very im- 
portant matter— Ml importJint that t fani^y we mast take timn to onn- 
•ider it And nut ti\e our decision— deni a ion 1 siiy, until npxt term. 
And that remind" ia<t thnt onon wlitn I w.n cnKatttd in Bwwninjt out 
theolfiwo(eoniplJar»oli*tor{l wABJnninr partner iiftheflrm at th«timfi), 
Ifoniidadmltof a brief th*th»dnevtr ne>:in delivered, and on aocounl 
of ila non-dtlivery thy ftotioii hud been won. No doulit my Brother he- 
aide mc willrtrapmberthp piroiim'tanoe ? {.llUnmj hii voice in rrpl;/,) 
Otrtninly, [ 7^Jif t off 'iiiffiiiie »f Lord Chancallor nnd rtappfart in 
kimuif. Appl«ti*t.] HaTine ahuvn youonuufthe Prizeaoi the Pro- 
fwill'll T wlflllhiljiiii another. IwillintruduL'cmTtriund. Ur.WKLLUP, 
k Cbiu CSerk in the Cbauocry Diviatuu. Thia ahunid be mum iu- 
tat WUB g to yon than the other illustration. a> it ta easier to become a 
Chief Cwrk uan • Lord Chancellor. {Latightir, amid»t tehich Die Leo- 
tOTWrilnT* btnnU /kitta&telortappear dmiedai a I'htfif Clrrk of tile 
CAsneerV Dk^tian.) Mr, WiLLOr I [Cheeri and Laughter.) Now, 
let AM Ml Ton all, that I do not odvtae onyone to do auythtnii^. but 
If I UI ulted by th* Plaintil! in Ihia name what be ouifht to do, 1 
van only uy, tut wera I bo, I sboald certainly tnVe out a anmmoni 
whioh might bo made rctamabla in a week ajiking f»r whatever 
it Is. And if the Drftmdaut in this tamie wem to make the 
■Btoe application to me, I ehould givn him the aamo advice. 
That b what 1 ahnnld do wtN I not a Chief Clerk, bnt as I am a 
Chiei Gerk, I give no advio* at all I (I,*p(iirer dii-tt Ititath hit 
tabU and Ttupptar* om htmulf. Appluu$f ) Having shown yon 
what ron uy becone if you am tuiK^estful, 1 will now gire a 
hint M a potaihle oomptnion fate. Uy friend, Mr. Co°TKit.T, hAving 
bc«oma a BarMHator. and «nlering into legal proe«eduiR* himtrlt, 



^n«h(iD 



about it, whelMT everything hu bad proper attention F 



mil 
Hate yon 



got the third auoonnt vttui^hed — and the letter for the rarrender of 
tbe lease puitcd, and the further obBcrraliona *o the Junior ('ountel 
•cut oat 1* And 1 do hope that the funeral I had t) attend did not 
interfere with my beinir properly reprcfaated when that point about 
the bindtnit of mj wife's life intereat was referrtd to tho judge F And 
yon ar(i nntte auri? thnt thern ia not more than flvo qTiartera rent to 
pay for that farm we havon't been abh; to aitree amongst onrsolves 
to let ? And yon don't think much harm was done by my absenting 
myself to take my oldest ilanghtj>r lo the tcarUt fever boepita! when 
that nnsiipeesafuf application was made t-o have somo aoonmulsted 
income imid to me ont of Court. And— (Ae«'u(injj)— and— and you 
don't think you could advance me five shillings to go en with? 

{F/Uiid iaughtfT, iimidnt whirh thr Leetnrer rttumrt hi4 frfru-day 

dmn.) And now, Oentl'imtn. I will conclude my lecture with my 
last illustratioQ— Mr. Jo^iatti UTi Buhtmak. «hi.'m we will luppoee 
is a Barsuliator who has not yet been able to secure a partner. 
{Divet under tntile, and rtappfari in another charatter.) Now 
let me see whieh shall I do &r>t — argue before the Court of 
Appeal, or finish thai Bill of Coela f No ; can't do eithei, as I have 
to aerve tbat writ in Bayewatec. But that won't do either, beoaaw 
1 have got to take the proof of that Deteelive in the VntMa «••«. 
And yet how con I attend lo him when 1 must be in Bemeraet 
HoniD aearohing for that will 't Then If I do that, and dc^'t finish 
the ennroaiinif of that marrtogo settlement, 1 shall atop the maniAfre 
fixed for to-morrow at St. Ocorgc'a, Hanover Square. And then, if 
1 neglect Iho dying deposition of the witneii at Charing Croas Hoa- 
pital, and he dies before 1 trot to him. how on e»rth am I to conduct 
that case nt Bow Street, fixed tor aome lime thii ailerooon? Not that I 
oonldn't throw over a criminal matter if it would have helped mc to 
appear in the mnning-down case in the ^. B. D,, to ero»-exsmin« 
th« coachman thia morning. And (hen. if I do either, the widow may 
starve if I don't identify her in the pAymsstcT-Generara Dfpsrtincint, 
to enable h*r to seenre hor dividends I Not that «ho couldn't wAtt if 
I had but the leisure to flni>h that opinion nhont tho fraud on th4 
poWHr whieh f promised should arrive in good time to enable aoma 
euuntry oHenta of mtue to make np their minds before they cnm- 
menceJ euita for adm in iat ration over valne, and improper (lonvey- 
anee. Well, I can't do all, and if 1 don't do all, I had better do 
none; t". a« it'* a fine Any, and I feel in n pleasant frame of mind, 
I think 1 shall take a hotiilAy, and go to Southend I 

[Jioart of laushttr, aviidti tehtrk Ihn LrcturtT rttitit, and 
brintt (A* &eiM to on ogrtrnkU WMchtnon, 

Tnftti&s him ZilghUf. 
" Rixrr," ean LAirroru. "Noneeneel I knew that Ifn rifht 

On your old iS»t« arsten I'll Ut in the lif^ht." 
Answers OlFotiD, " Tour light yoa wtU plc«,>DtAkea,w«^. 

We can eee better far, thanka, -eiWwaX muJti. * U*^ " 



VOL. Xdv, 



74 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Fkbrcabt 18, 1888, 



HERCULES IN THE AUQEAN STABLE. 




^r^^ 



Good luck lo you, Herouloi ! Pljr the him BtndUy'; 

WbUt (tnoujh you will need tit this tuk. 
All men of hutHmr will baek yon right reiilily. 

What bettor lort of " Spring Cl«in" ohhW they Mk^P 
AatKiu himMlf hut not hi>ni»-it&UB iinoletiMr ; 

AIphcn»-P«a«m combined they miifht tajt. 
Thine muck-heops on: dear ti tho fMiilnr And m«kaar, 

iJnt lny jour iCoat Ciub on their ruoilly baolu. 

TIm Huak-Hunmon nil«a in th«>B tcoIou too eomplsttlf. 

The taint of hia tuui^h Kcms on bU. high nod law. 
To auLk* th«H twI BtalU imell I. littlci more nrocittf, 
la gnita an heroioul tuk, u thinsi go. 



Goto it. my ReroaleB 1 tlnioe awa; kiDaTtly ; 

Tije plaoe Rtands in very t«rv need of a tcnib ; 
And if vested iiilvretts in tilth ahonld talk tutir, 

J lut ■ileooe the knaves vith a tap ot that Clob 1 



Dornt WITH a DimuKHCR.— Almoit all over Europe it tfipt*n 
that oarrinr-pigeonB are in ooarae of being trained far urTioe in Um 
event of War. All pigeona are dorcg, but the Continoctal oarrier- 

SlgeoQ Ib evidently a bird of auito anather faathor than tlw idMl 
OVH that ollegorioMly bean the olive-hrtnoh. Perbq^t, hnret^ 
it will he bianohe* of Bitter Olivei that thon War pifMU vUl 
oarry. 





LONDON CHARIVARI. 



75 




HmiM ttf Cmunan; Tiunday Night, Ftbruary 9.— &vKDititsoir quite 
nnliapt>r. Otm* down Mrlr thia aft«mocia prapand fnr cxoitintr dmog*. Air 
full ffil ramoOT of mx. VcurkH. nndtr eOTW of aeonilinic tbo Addre«a, Dumo 

duvn &rraed to the t«(ith. Parnellitca 
wcrt V> riimj question u( Privilojto ; Old 
Morality w»» to intfjduoe his new 
poonoo: uid ABTinrs Balfoub bod ten 
Policeincn dis|ruiB«t as waileri in ths 
dinintt-room. At (fiven niRnal they were 
to enter and arreflt eT*ty Irish Membtir 
on tho premisos. Quln't been unoh n 
glorions prospefit for rears. Nolhinj to 
equal it— I'loept the abiolul« tlatneee of 
the night'a sTents. No qQ*«tion of 
Privilege ; no nrrentA. The di«),raiaed 
waiters had tinlhinit to "tiike up" but 
thediimer. Miuinti'rinliate brousht down 
by ur|;eiit Whiji left the Eoum b; 
BOures whfn thtiiXeader rune to nantitiae 
debate : bf tore midnitht whole thing 
muenbty died out. H 
Ol.illBTOJIK fao^ 

leiily infected with 

EreTiilinffBpirit. Fol- 
iwcd Mover and 
Seconder of Addrei*. 
"Now w* 'II ham it," laid 8*uiiDEi»oif. shifting shillelnKh 
to left-hand nnal'lnil pocVet. Bnt wc didn't hnvc it at idL 
QuiNmiinc almmt hlBiecd Ministers, spprovfd their pro- 
(ranaia, and promiied SMistance in making it a legisUtive 

"Call tliat a Grand Old Han?" the Colonel muttered 
between clenched tmth : "/ call him a Mild Utd MuJI." 

Vp to last moment some hope tintrercd round Pr.vs. After 
haDclnc out on his oastte walli for w«kii and mnnthi, toriicd 
np U>-da]r aodei the very nuao of Auiiiuk KALttiuu. 

"So you've Ut yciimolf down to thiiV" »aid L*rc*rT». 
loMtit in to Imbt tlw writ movrd for Onndro. " Btitter 
wbiere yon WR«k Aa for mo, oan't apprnvn the war Oppo- 
tttion IB earritd on, to <raro up my neat. If yon oould apar* 
a quarter of an hour, I.'d explain, in fuller detail, my reawoa 
lor mignisg." 

"EzaaMm*,"*udPm. Wliipped ont coil of rope wUoh 
WM wovBd round kia waiat; hltehed one end ortr rail of 
f Wnf IHUarT with nettneaa only attainable after \<iag pTmo* 
tio* : went np band onr hand with amaiinjr uelenty. 

" Don't wait," he «ald luokinj; down on amazed ex- 
Hemher for Lhiodte. " Think 1 ■(»■ a PuUoeman oomintr." 

How rtrj abrupi!" LiwirrA aaid, gladder than erer "8e»T«ryiLbru(pt!" 



" Dnncia comM hwo to-nigh(," 

"negncioua Dunus!" 

MaiiifA. 




he had left the Hoom of Commoni. Sutintu done. — 
Addren moved. 

Friday ,Vij;A' .— " Ther Ve picked Ptmh at Uit. / l»ai," 
Mid WiLtnuc Lawbov lo Sage of Q'i«en Anno'a Q«t*. 

"Weil," laid Sage, "hewaa eetttng.a litUa OTSr-iip*, 
don't you think 'i A main can't hang out for Bumtlu <mt 
hie Dutle wall, eren in Ireland, without Koingtotis bad." 

Inoideote of the arreat quits dramalic. Wbea Ptmt 
left HouM Mrly thia momtsf, PoUoe on hia track— but he 
got KWty- U^kt haT* bewa lU rifrht if he'd alay^l 
away. Bat daty flrat So he took penn}' 'bui to botCiim 
of Parliament Street. Ohwcred Potiuo ia charge of m^in 
gat«way« to FalaM Yard: akirted railinga, doBOcnded 
■tepa hy Clook Tower. A few more (tep^ and be would 
be aafe within the pT«oinet», 

''Imuit diBBemble," nid the Chlktfllaill of Ltrfam; 
Cartb. &) he 
tkrnat hi* 
handa in hia 

Kkcti, raiMd 
ahouldera 
in tvaini at- 
tepgpt to hid* 
hia faoa, and 
ragnely wbia- 
tkd "F.nn Go 
Br«sK" Bat 
all in tain. 
Hawk eye of 
polioem aa 
apotted hiok 
'■ Mr. Pnnt 
1 prenime i " 
«aid repreaes- 
tative of law 
and Ordett 

daB if ba 
cone upon 
Dr. LiiviNO. 
8T0.1E in the 
wilda of Cen- 
tral Afrioa. 

PrWK'shand 
at bia belt like 
Hash of light- 
other mora^t APjT.e,i.hor.qulrOiagi.atd«!offoroiD(. 
rope would have been unwoaod, and be would have been 
half-way nii the Clock Tower. But the PoUoeman too 
quick for him. Sriized the rope, which lerved conve- 
niently for binding the prisoner, and ao he wa* eanied 
ofi to the loweat diiD^coo beneath the Caatle Hoat. 

At leaat, that 'a what Josirn Otujs telle me. The 
aketoh waa taken by Our Own Artiat, who waa provi- 
dentially en the ^I<ot. 

Thi* pretty well t« heKfn with. Bat more to follow. 
Soon aa SiuiXK had taken Chair, tiiLBOOLT roeo and 
gave notioo, " On Monday to aak for leave to bring in a 
Bill for the better houainK of the wurkice-olaata." A 
leraphic smile i^rosied AuruUB ItALrouus face aa be 
listened. " Mj dcui friend," ho fwcftly mnrnmrBd, " 1 
have made arrangcmenta for your oivu better houaing 
l«Dg before Monday." 

Chief Seeretary waa overheard. Report got wind, and 
Qii.noor.T waa marked a* a doomed man. Everybody said 
he wi'uld he arrwrted when he b'ft the IIoqic. 

"Then why leave it?" said In kt B. "I'vealeptoa 
two chain in the Lib'ry mi-aelf . It you '11 be lonely, 
we'll keep the Home aitttng oll'nignt to wake yon. 
Daly say Ue word." 

OiLnooLT preeaed the patriot's hand, but t«o moved to 
aay any word. Walked about the House ; toc>k aflee- 
ttnnalc leave at familiar plauea. House up at quart«r- 
paat elcTen. Gilbooly walked forth with unlalturing 
step. Crowd of Memben followed in ailunt proceaaion. 
Big Ben tolled forth the half-hoxir. Mont imjirosaive 
•eenn. Only wanted prvience of Chaplain to oomplote 
anabgy that atrnuk everybody. At the gateway Pulioe- 
man poat^d. At proper cue, OimooLT arreeted. and, for 
better hnuning, taken ovnr to ^lioe oell in Whitehall 
Plaoe. Butiiuu <Jbn«.— Iriih minority raduoed by two. 





" Hall Makxii.."— CJevw Mr. a Hall, of the Chan- 
cery Bar, hu juit " taken silk." Aa a leader, be ahonld 
be '■ on valvrt." 



76 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



[Fkbscut 18, 1869. 




SNOB-SNUBBINQ. 

"k—Xr FWFLB, MiM D«V»S«OI, UAitK isto Enolakd wirK Stroxobow, 

TOV KXffw I " " Au you Dtiirs iubk it wuk't Lonaoow, Mr. Ssoouon I " 



OUR "JUNIOR CLASSIC" AGAIN. 
Dub Old P.. 

1 muit juat begin in English. I '11 go on into Lutin in e. mtnato. onl; 
I find I co&'t tJk w/mlu in Latin. Here I tm. htuM at, sohool, and Vvt got 
myrtmnvtl I fool no eai. of a swell. Ai ray Pater lays, "perhapB 1 shall 
bloiDom out into a Poiuu.'* mme day "—though who Fuiuon wu I don't know, 
only I think hn mi somo cluneal bloke or other-~Lilu YoimtJik, I think he 
UM<1 to b« cnll«d. 

WbII, your nqa««t that T ahnald tackle the letter of Wtkehahi^tob, who 
itnaitlr object* to b«in)c railed it Wyk^huniVc. rfsulicd mu yrBtcrday, and 
I ImI no <nd flAttarcd. I wish f ou haJu't taid I had better «aaw«r it in Latin. 
How«Ter, hen |oef. 

£XCTBSCS 

(/ Unjik Ihat't witat Ihtj/ n/tU it), de lUleni alicajat Wykttuttiuti, el tU twmHu 
"WVKKUAMlati;a," rtl " WntEttiMiifs." 

Primnin, ponnitlo me ohaemro nt (naa ooirespoDdena est ad oulpim (juom 
soribit LaMnu. Ohjootit ut nomen " Wykchanutiu" non eat pruprium, ut 
demandat vx^Unalioneia "quum proxime tniu papyrui evvnlt-t." Hoo i»t vore 
canmum uro " ai vy-n u your paper oooM out Scd pnutermitto boo, quud 
ucribo ad f aotuu ut hici paap«r Buohii non «>t Klonensii ; nunc ad rum \ 

TcrmiuMlLo ul ocounit ttepn. I't trhisl [Iiidu»j Aiai (aignalii nt Magi»t*r 
appropinquat) kiit (paulu- pott- purl cotum da Ai>«. ojonlarn). Vide dn bo© 
M411T1Q. "do Partiuuli* LatintB," rul, 20. Vide qnoqac "Oraminatieam" 
BoFi'i (iIliuB 0»inuiiU, *i via. (Sedhoonort adriio. horr, qaamqannintiiditn;), 
*»t Tilde aridua lit inHnnprehcciibtlij. ut moa nt TmUmicnu.) Adde i't od 
W»KitB*ii, «l huSca " Wj-iehamiitua," dcootu Latimira. Kjri> prtf-ro " Wykn- 
bantODita." ut " Ktoucniti." Id Huat mflini. Scd furntan non tom abimlut'* 
inputialii in b-ie re. Sinn dubio. propriiitimiitn nooon pro poerit Soholm ad 
WuuibMtor cat " Wincjutrriuia." Un*r« " Wykebam," oaroo noMwroF Krat 
bomo »pp«llatuii OuLiKi.uL-ii pk Wyxihiiiic, enm awarus, iiui fimdant (nonne f) 
illam ichoUm. Sod JDii:iNnE« hms fundarit HarruviBia; «t nun appelUmu 
HarrOTienaee pnoroa " I,yonigt/)B." 

Ttrminftlio it" eet itito<]iio bonam Latinum^ tdiuuo raodo, id eat Mtii bonam 
pro me. Tide llilliU (uQtiiiua natiu pugUiatuw) •»An Bright (notna ADKlimu 
oratui], bt nlia. Kr^o qiiiii uuu H'like.hatmtti (Tidt Boer, nt ante.) 

Cuoiid«ro id potius bueeam toribcre mi to. PcvcBa, at " Vi']rk«huiutii>" 



aoribit. Si eaiet Etncensii, id ouet diHereni. Sod fort* 
DOii BuiD impartialia, ut diii. 

Peroipis nttreatavi subjMtnmia terio luiolBt. Chumaa 
moi JUTKerit nt id d«b«l treatari in vooo Dootoria Waim 
— rideJioet— 

Btrv dotb the litUa Wytuhaoiiit 

Ta waiie bii limo'drlight,, 
Ib viitine nol« if whio li Ibc r)it 
la, ■' Why oalW WjkBhamiw ? " 

Sad non oonaidero hoc dignam ocoasionia. Spero at 
dedi multam an tiaf actionem in hoo I'luureu. Haboi 
Bwotleruadiil, eRopoBsuin dicerttibi. !>«lunum verbum 
aiitrquim tsn timo. Da nubi auiea tuaa ut «ko tibi 
roddsm, ut dioit •Shakspeabjcb. Cur non dorivatio aie 
" fi'ykamiu" (suhaudi "pner") id *«t, Wykham 



(ad minni »\i ego palo) unde derivfttur " OentlMBan,"- 
et amboiiraul. id est. ■' Wykomus" et "miti*" forawnt 
" Wykamite." Unjua oompliraentariumid, c«t-ncf Hoo 
mo vapnlat ut untim genus connndn, ein, menm primna 
eat " Wykamua," mtum secundum est " mitia " (aubandi 
"pner" ut aupral tt meum totum Mt nom«i puori in 
atatu publici putitlkri, quod trautifero '"pablja Mhool- 

S." Vide? XiiTi malum, ebl-nef " Vala at itcrom 
)," cum oaaUt poeta, et dixit tuoa rerit^tdlo 

ToltltlOS (ffMIOIM.) 



AN ANGEL'S VISIT; 

Or, The Anitt'i Fint CvmrniuioH. 

Am hour tro and lbs world was ffTaf, — 
A ihorftugtly liloomsbury kind i>f day, — 
When you tbiak of the bills that rou eiimot pay. 
And turn ((um beautiful Ihoughta away, 

Like a sulky child from kiuea, 
And winder how poc^ts awcet thine* oan tay 
Of a world sn chilly and hard and gray, 
Where the wine are gloomy, and fouli an gay 

With thoir lorrowiful, sordid bliaaes. 

Hy hopes wero low, and my heart wna aoro, 
For a irtul'a taowiio litter'd the floor, 
While vile p-it-boilen the eascla bore. 
And the kettle cruou'd of tht cheap ten-stor*, 
Od ■ mouldering ooilt that waved of yore 

In a erareyard Euitedilnvian, 
When there came a tap at the studio-door — 
8uoh golden mmio ne'er heard befors 
The trcaaure- seeker who strikes a cron 
Of buried rupees, or the hidden ore 

Of Inoai in vaulta Forurian, 

The rain waa lashins the windows high. 
As if in i>pit« of thu brilliant sky 
That livt'H in my uiuture of laat July, 
Hy holiday record of kat July, 

My only rolio of Summer, 
When a wide-oyed welcome of hripbteat tun 
Bpread all the room over, and dwelt upon 
The hyacinth's clustera of einanraon 

To welcome Ibc awi?ot now-comer. 

Then the Teteran ohair with n miasiniT limb, 
And all thit was commnn and mean and Jtrina, 
Grijw suddenly sermly, and line and trim. 

Like courtlitat nld-w.irld lyyeri ; 
For a liiminnu* beauty around her flowed. 
And her face like the wakiuK of muroiog; (lowad, 
And her hair like ora^ in a liullow road 

Where a lijafy aunliKht bovera. 

Now I hoar but her nishtineale melody, 

Though her brother, 1 think, talked more than abs, 

And Oiry didn't any hall' as mueh to m« 

Aa thoy found Xm aay in each other ', 
But flVory toni> of her criap, clear nolw 
Like a wnlrr-lily on silnnen fluata, 
Thouith diziicd memory vainly quote* 

What sh« camo about with tier brotlMr. 

Bhie hu taken the loneline*) all away, 

And only tlie irrace and the comfort stay ; 

Aud the liuht that »]ie leaves is so pure aad bright 

That rain uuJ wrutchedneas merely m*ke 

A btuiitiful ritinbuw fur her nake, 

Who found the room in a dolnlul plight 



Fkbbdabi is, 1883.] 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



77 



And A lif» hiiB|r OT«r with ihadnws, 
And uut of iia iMjunty hu made it Mf, 
Am the luwUcBt votlaittf i> brave in ntf 
■With t!io cowilip boll mid Uie hawtliont fpmf. 

And »U tbc spoil of the cuHUluira. 

And I MttU itnm to tha »ohei light 

WhaB the [lorr ia tidied itwaj for the oight, 

Asd ehjr sweet odoon can take the air— 

Hm ddiMte for the noonday glara 

And the ronpinjr irunea of the burly bee*' 

And, uiHrnui; tiiu I'llmiit'-iii ^ircatly. 
Hard atuli^m Btiddtnly stim yuur liiiir. 
And b&ti ziK-iag like & tuillcts kib*. 
Aed n>li.-iiiii awls ivith Uiutr lilvnt flieht 
Wlnnrnr the ditomai that nwa will ilwi 

Aa the pcd moon riici ititely . 



LANDZNO OF WILLIAK AT DOVEB. 

Mtmiun and OMaiut^ ft EnglithMtMvtpUfiid if a. 0. Jf.andOi 
Seiemu Oficrr, 




" My nimii it i< WilUun Ev«rt Oltiilotu, 
Het Way, nitr bnody, nor TmohnlU, I am 
Het MOD one boUla of Kiu dx CotOfDv.'' 

(AtiHi te Aimitif.) 
Hut juit half • botUt, ud K> "ti) > tut 
I luifo't vit( boUl«, I iDUltb>»a(t. 
• • • ■ 

lis ung OD lindiog, aptck ml tpen, 
*■ Kat'"^ rXDKl* itis O. 0. Man, 
TU* day to ^ U< duty." 

ICAttri/rMn dt^rytMly, aitdtfiy train. 



TESTIMONIAL TO THE SITUATION. 

Ox tha opeainjt of ParliuMBt (when the last Tenn of the Klly 
Snuon expixM} k erewdad Maatins «r» held to HZpNaa the thijika 
of I the Silly Smsui Sabjeoti for tha TarreffloJest vA ramdaradts 
th<m darioK their aeaaioa by the Goropean Situation. 

Tha Chair waa taken by the Sea iy^riwut, who was tapporUd by 
the Ottaotie Oooaabanr, and aeveral mtmlwrs uf tliv trreat Ve)[«'lable 
FaKlly, Heaava. VBMliainiue and BuminimuH, tho W uather iM the 
Faika, Dr. OdllW Madicum, Sluuioa and BakcBiware, who looked 
Tery moch wen avt, and a niunber of well-known habituit ol the 
fimrSMaon. 

Ae CWr-S«pMlt aaid he wu very ^lod to >od «□ iar^ and ao 
Uunw^lf repnaentativc a gathf rin^ ot hia fMlnw HnhkcU. They 
had thu mion been relieved of a obtain amimnt of hnra and thank- 
haa wwk by tfao noble cndnranco, the nnpxampled attying power, of 
hii hanonred frirnd, he wu proud to oall him a frirnd (he hnped be 
ynighl mXi him fritnd). tho EnroiMULn fiiltiation. Tie waa pLirhap* 
the doytn of ihn hi-rd, iint he anw luniind him t'l-night many Who 
hid aorrcd tho fr^ai and the Fuhlio w«Ll for more ymra than he cand 
to rtnenbar, and they wen all treated Uke anakei, a thini; that von 
fint nuke "nae of and thaa kick. Thia waa not the treatmnnt \atj 
dwarrad. Tbar vara all iath«ra of famitiea. They were all flU-np 
nn, at any rata. {L«vglittr.) He Ueied tommeaTotaof thank* 
to tM Smatfas— « aitauloit which it wui nut too munh toaay. »bon 
all olbat idlnitiow, waa th« altutlon— be aaid, thia SitoatioD— wall, 
ba Mi|U aot b« nroafa of a apaaker, but he hadn't dined yet, and ha 



didn't nuan to.be Unshed at. (Dtadiiknet, m»hieh Iht Sptaktr 

TbaEolJpaeoftbaKoon, who apoke rathar hatily. wdit wuhu 
prinlita to aeeoDd tha preiMaaL SawwBOtaTaryrMralwen^i 
DstfaanobounuUaoMoverwUok k* had no ocuttoiha had lately 
MOM a good deal More the cnblle. The BnrapMn Bitnation rather 
rwembled hii <.iwn ; it wai olond/— (^<u;A(rr)— hot the olotida hod 
not prevented hia K^\iig on edipaing, and he waa aore that no «laada 
however threatening, would pnreot the Eoropeut SltoAtiao, f roan 
oontinaing to aitosto in a good oU Koropeon way. (.Lvnd eh»«ri.) 

Tho Weather and thn Park* ro» toRnthOT. and aa iMJthar ahowad 
any detrrroi nation to jive way, they 'pake in ncisoa. Tbn btffStd 
tho in(inlKiiri:n of th*ir friiinoa, for taldosa tipjioicrn! part, hut the 
faot WM that thfiy (the Weather and tta rarki) rt^ireaeiited a Inrae 
numh-ir of kindred wibjecto— Prinufoaea in 11. vomhiro, Whirlwiudi 
at Kilham, BhzEaida, and a BaMarkablo A' - ~ Fhesoaunon 

— and had been depatod to Bopport tha raaolL 

A Bird did not want to bitampt tba luon' meeting, bnt 

hehiidmadHaneetlnaCat'»«raal«,Mldlw - i thnywanted 

a aituatiun that aaghl nXba to Kdt them, ii wua't ««aoUy 
Eiiro|>eau, but it waa pnwariona. 

At thin periiMl aome diatnrfaaaca waa OMwed br the appearance of 

the Iriah Quuatian, aoeoapaniad brUr. (VBuKv e ea. 

m prataitad a««B>tthia toadrlnar to • mera 
Tnojr (Mr. 0"IJaini'e m) didn't care a 



Mr. O'ltniwr'a 
European Situation. 



button for the Situation. ( Crii* n/ ' ' Qutttian .' " during icAkA (JUIriih 
Itncation put it» thumh (o it* HO**, and eztmitad it* finftrt (ovard* 
Mmri. Shaoon and Bakaapaare, wio kadnft (A* al^Ataaf Uta what 
lh« •Uiiurl'.incf tea* nioof.) On the Chair-Sarpaot endeanurinar to 

rwtnre order, Mr. O'Briksi'b ea oalled ont. "What'a ithat 

Mtnyway? Did ewrye h«ar of St. PathiUknow!"' [Limdcriftof 
" Orrfw / ") 

The Sua Serpent aaid be was in a Tory painfdpoiition, a* anakea 
wore not aocuatumed to ekaira in printe life. He WM relaotantlr 
comiielt'^d to name Mr. O'Buxv'a oBBenlioaablM, if they would 
eieuw thu paradox, 'llwy ware not oa inthisaeewnt all, and had 
not a Il'it to itand upon. 

The Bpeed of tho lUo* none, and the Habit* of Ante oononrTcd, 
and the latruiiera wwii bnndlcd oot. 

Tlio Qjgantin Gooanberry, who waa very warmly rettired, aaid it 
wu all vi-ry well Ui talk nnont the Silly Sniuion, but for hia part ha 
eonsidered one psragraph nbout the wonder* of nature, even if they 
wore purely imaK''""'y I'le mnant uo dierespeiit to the Chair), more 
interettinK than a uulumn of apeeahen about what thd ipcakcr didn't 
undentand. addreaavd to tiateoDra who didn't want to bear. 
[Applau3!^.'l He supported the muliun. 

lae vuIji u( thanka wu ca^ri[^d ananinonsly, and brieSf aoknow- 
ledged by The Situation in a few well-choMn phraaaa, and the 
oompany diaappoarcd into oblivion for the ParliamentarT SeanOB^ 
exoept tha itu^at of the evening, who i* tuidoratood to be prepariaf 
a surpruc lor the Sptcial Correipondents. 



ONE DEORBE BETTER. 

**Tbe honoraiydaiTMotMiu. Doe. ia ta be eenflmtd 
en Btrr Jo&cnui br deens cut ConvMation en Tue^ 
day."— ItaM. 

Son diffionlty waa experienoed in fitting the 
cap on the Hur. Afterwards, instead of ^ply 
" Doctor of Hoalc," on tbt famous noUaitt ought 
to h&re been eonftmd tho degree ol 




Hn iUits- 

Ti'a 0ms IB pa. 
—Mr. MiOHiiL 
Divm, in one 
of hia reocnt ha- 
raoffMa,daalarad 
that b]r kariag 
"oarritd tha 
doctrioM of Bo- 
naliam into the 
heartof Britain," 
in retaliation of 
wronea— "Ire- 
land ha* pnt har- 
mU in the ran of 
the glorioa* 
■tniKla."Qait« 
80,— Ilia Folio* 
Tan. 



"FIDDLE D.D." 



MsB, Bams- 
BOTBiit aaya aba 

oerfT goto to 
rirch on Ajh 
dotaday, «a 
iL.u obiccta totl» 
Combination 
Serrioo. 

HooRLiaST- 
n* *iti) Itnr- 
ofmxua. — The 
Erin yea of EHn. 



J 



78 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABI. 



[FEunuABY 13, 1888 




WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. 

Mr, Alderman Bujjiiu. "WSAT rKSCious BOiK thiv 'rb ill torbih*. wiib tbkck Old M4sriiiu> akd Ci-Asmcil. Ucriiu AXo 
nvrr I Wbt, 1 't> boohmk, havm paistbo oms o' toite litti.* Pn;ruKKa or Moosrs Lirit thak Aur TrriAW on Vklaiqitei is Tun 
'01.1 NaTIOKAL GALtBRt." — (Oitr Arlitt tmllti, and IMnkt Ur. B. may not b« such a rank PhilUtiiu, a/Ur ali.)—" A-ID I 'n finoNKB a»v« 
coMiosu) 'Two LovtLT Blaojc Snf Ta*x all 'Andkl aso 'Avdn'r OakT^aios put TOOsraaB !" [Oi»r AriUt vnUa no li«.gcr. 



THE VOICE OF PEACE. 

"IspiAi of pMoeV' Great Pmiw, uid 

wherefore not? 
Not even jruu osuupo the commoe lot, 
Of voenl m&ii iu tlieiie lotia^ious dAvs. 
Whoo MoLiKK, Sod of SileiiDe, aeicnj to 

prsiie 
A two hours' tftlk from hia gnm DOtarnde'i 

month I 
■W«tohir)( that towering fonn/thit mighty 

droQth, 
Su&Toelr uraiged hy endleu 8-And-B'«, 
Fuiey, wha«e genul corrent nought out 

Baoohiu ftQd Bub&TOMa somehow bleadi, 
ThoT and the god oi Ihint. 

The or&tioD endt. 
And thaoden of appUoM the Thondercr hAil. 
Like • Thoi-himnier-tliiimp on m&Tlial mul, 
Wm every voonJ itfokc of that altooK tongnc, 
Whioh never faltered, never liapud or hang. 
In wcnkneu or in waoderiog. Mighty Vox ! 
Strength of the lion, ihrewdnesi ut the fuz. 
Mix in that meaiured animpogiionad tone. 



It 



have 




•peak* 111 P«soe,— and armamenti 

grown. 
Put at its evc-ry utt«Tanoe vear by year, 
WhtUifer it laahed to pride or aoourged to 

tear. 
PmocI But the " oovcrt enmity " of hiwts. 
Who oonnter menaaea and bnndy baa»t«, 
"Undsr the amik of safety wonnil the 

world." 
Thou hoata againat oaoh olher hotly Iiuikd, 



Twenty year* heneo, to-morrow — who ahatl 

rayC— 
Will— fight for Peaoe u yoii have fonght 

to-day. 
Foot Peaoe I Her frankest friend miut alnr 

and gloge. [foes F 

If Biioh her ohiiinpiDni, what ahall Drove her 
Fancy with whitnay thonghta aaoli apeech 

will mook, 
A mail-olad shepherd piping to a flook,— 
Scattered upon Ibe hitl-Bid« near and far, 
St«el-OMod againat the wanderin^r wolves of 

War,— 
Paatoral ditties, scarce aeems man absurd. 
Aa for the l^uve, that emblematio bird. 
Spurred lilts a game-oook with ■utiliar ateel, 
sharpened and set for tight from heak to heel, 
HerclB with the eagUs. hovera with the hawka, 
Or with the nvenicruaka, the vuitarea stalks. 

" I apeak of Peace 1 " Yea, tig the saw-toothed 

pike. 
With eye keen watchful, jaw prepared to 

strike. 
Might as the corp-pond'a gaardlan blandly 

poie. 
The wanderer in the wilderness may close 
His wearied eyes a moment, iflaruely more, 
When round the watob-firc liou rove and 

roar, frtamo, 

The gleaming bracdB, the quick and araukling 
The Songry prowlem ncare but onoDnt tame. 
Let the protrotive gleam a moment die, 
And ware the patturini; foot, the llamingeytl 
They in Ibe ahadows will no longer lurk, 
Sharp tooth and claw right ioon wiU be at 

work. 



StKet Shepherd, little boot these pittoral 
songs ; [than true wrunga," 

"They bring unooth oomforta falie, worso 
If taken in a too Arcadian sense. 
You do not pipe them for the slow and dense, 
■' The stdl diaoordftut waverinjt multitude." 
Alternate duloet aof t and hiobly rude, 
Toar accenta variuiisly oraoul»r 
The burden hear of Pesee, the drift of War. 
E'en "the blunt monater with uncotutod 

beads" 
May hear the iron olaah, the arm^d treads 
Of *' fearful maBters and prepared dofonoe " 
Between your honeyed words. Theee hosts 

i mmense 
Will ii'jt fur ever ohortts " Lnvely Peaoe," 
Howerer fugled. No, they never ceaw. 
These hymninge of the Olive- braaoh ail round. 
CuriDua to hear the voioe of War'a rod hound 
Tuned to the friendly house-dog's cheery bark! 
But is the foe leie near, the night leaa dark f 



Uio TiBTO.— If the diatnrbancM in these 

mines (now, happily for everybody concerned, 
at an end), hid oontinued. the name W'^uld 
have been changed to the Ktot In two Mium. 



ShakspoftTo B«-veriod. 

' OxroBS for Lanuaat«r I " 
(3. Hmry VI. 5. 1) 

' Not Laneesieu for Oxford I " 

Now the line must run. 




PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARIVABI.— Fibruabt 18, 188«. 




ENTER BIvSMARCK. 



'1 SPEAK OK PEACE, WHILE OOVEBT ENUITT. 
UNbEH THE SMII-E OF 8AKBTY. WOUNDS TBE WORLD! 
AND WHO BLT * ISlSMAfiCK.' WUO BUT OSLT I, 

MAKE FEAi'.FLL MUSIEKS A.VD PltEFARED DEPESCE." , , , 

Iftnrif (jU FoiirlM, Pari 71. (/aJwtfaimV 




r 



FSBRDAET 18, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



81 



BOBBRT AtTD CARL EOSA. 

OCK " KoBKBT " it ui kwfnl tamper, that in if m may jodn o( it 
by A brief mi hurried not« in p«nRil whinh ho Mt at oar oflioo jtut 
Uw l&*t momiint hi'for« Rouig .to I<I<*h, and 
tlMn hurried oS beima anr ona ooiud ioquin 
of him wh»t he m«aiit by it. W« Etv« th« 
note tn nrt^niu .* — 

" Jnit «nl of adrert. in Times, eddwl ' Eabl 
Kosn Opr«i Knnpni',' u «/, kwotia from 

the lArtTBool Htkker, ' Robtri the I>—1' 

(wkih 1 bliuh to moruriDn) ' at tbo ivorl Tho- 
ajtM.' Thira it gucs on a prapiio bovf j-think 
and h^rrrtioililr, and aiiMhallf ' Maddam 
BcR!ixKii rfiw Binifliij of " RohfH, O my heUired 
B-^rrl!"' My b^tfcr arf'i horfiil ha»hy- 
tater(<d about it. 5he auk* me hoo'« Mnddam 
BntMn. and what «he meena br niiticiair oi 
"RoKFJti, her b«Ir>r6d RouniT.'' Xkune tste, 
wich i* the kontkenw of urry aDwnnr, as I 'm 
orf ti> insult a Suliiitiir, Mor« am wwlc on thia 
aubjlk. "KOBDT." 




PLAY TIME." 



" Auwork uid noplay miik«3 Jack a dall boy,"— and aorae vorln 
and MMie plays I oould mcatinn woatd tuvo thu aamo oflcct on Jack, 
tot tha Hiatt«r«f that, — and m a little pWy now and thes. my an 
nnnMJnmil friparlT in foltror!!ve.^ct^ it jii>t thn thinR tornliren oar 
poor, Jacx wna raund the very thin^ id the dramatic ■enaation pro- 
dootd laat week at the Optira Comique -need I «ay Mr*. Caui-iixi.l 
PhaS)'* fonr-Mt draim nf Aniiru. The prodiii^Uon of thn wnrk i* n 
ngD of tlu ttmca, and. whnthvr (rood cr hud, opnn* ii[i a dioouiuiinD, 
OB pnblawof drunatio Art and mitral li'Aohin^, not nuy of lolu- 
tiM. Bat of Uii* anoD — or "in our ntxt "— as it may chanoe. 

Arimntf Who lct,n W that nami.? Mr«. Cuifbrt.l Pki.sii. 
Wbenee oa»e it? Brolvod from her own iunur 04UBuiuu«Dcss— 
Arittdnt with the little " d " laf t oat. Cc'mtng to know who and 
whttt Ariane ia, the nvnie is happily ehoMn fur ita nutrKeitioD of 
OtMk humaniim. For Ihin English play— not yet to be correctly 
dworibcd ai " Ki Enifliih, you know"— is but a phase in tboRradnal 
depetopmrnt of the Naturalium of the Aije,— Snturnlmonotpure and 
aimple, but impure and wimple*. It is a powerfully iutrrcstinfc 
drama, pluyrd by a aot oi chiractcrii none of whom are conioioui of 
tiietr rcapnuiibihty to any power, ontaide thenueWoi, higher than a 
WaUy authoriird tribunal 

In uia play, not t" upealt it profaufly, " there i« noun that dosth 
good, no not onB."~»n<l yet who, tb»[ haa any " knnwloiiite of th« 
world," a* the pbra«eJ^>e•, can dfnitit hut thnt the authorDu hu 
(inm «• Tsry real types of churacti^T, and in order t*) prevnt a« far 
U pOMlbls the objevtioti* of the Eaitluih PeckmiSi and Poiltnapf, 
tai t« mit the dinb to Philiittiii« taatv, ahe. ha» ipioed it with an 
•rtful duh of tubtle foreiirn tlarour by oalliaK her wor«t vUlun. — 
tb« aM'undrclly old father.— the Cieralier df Valeitrv, and tbe 
•MNUkdblniL'kjtuard.tbo wijuld-be o-reapunilent, SirLei/polU d'AtotIa, 
B(ddtT and worthier of her purpoae wvratd it harn b»n, had Hi«l, 
Pubs aoJlnl bur hcroino's father slid lover by plain Eniliah namea. 

BxMpt that no oun uan help chuckling at the maimer of that 
^Irooiowa old roprobate,— tbe ('A<ta/;«— admirably pUycd by 
M. MAUitTB— thern u nothing to relieve the sadnew of the piece. Ita 
*• Society " charaotrr*, who are merely acceisoripn of the jiiftnrB, t*lk 
too like real " Society people " Ut he amii'init, and, indeed, auch 
diato^o in the drama ai i> not cswntial to it« action ii tedinoa, and 
Ibi* in proportion to th» intorKit ar»uBed iu thn apectAtor by the 
neting ol the priooipal characters, Hr. LicoxtHi) liorsK. in ipice 
of a alight Irinh bn^ne,— bardly perhaps in keeping with hia loaoa- 
what Italian Hebraie title " i/^lpxl'i,"— is an inteawly camtat 
" loTi-r " —profanation it i* to u»e inoh a word for such a charaoter ! 
For Mrs. BEBNinnBKKRa »» ..<rwiw— "not a mnralwoman. not ar*- 
liKt^u* woman— I w<>uld I werel" *he sayi of herielf— 1 have 
ootbinf bat praiw. Absolutely, her iiDper«ODatinn i* faultleti. I 
can think of bo AotrMO ou the Bncli»h Staice who oould even rival 
bar ia tUa aad, pitiful. mi«erable part. The Autrt>»« awaken our 
mmpwilnn tor Ari^mr m her trial*, our ainoeru reiretthat Ibe lifeot 
n wmnan, who niiKbt have heeu ao |uod and true, ahould hav^ 
to iitt«rly thrown away. Mra. BOBS'* Is a realiiitiu perfor- 

taet at tfaa TOT hiffbcat ord«r. And w too t* Hr. Hbhiit Nrvilli's 
impawomntioii of tba aodden tot of a bnahand. I do not know in 
whtoh of tlia four Acta he ii beat, ao rioellcnt, without the alixhteit 
eiilgMlli'iil, ia bo is alL And thu audience from, iitaUs to ruUrr 
Win wHb thu poor wrotoh of a huiband. the Wctim of 'a omet ptoC 
vIms h» TWW»d ammdMBiit, implored for([ivL-nc«», and then turned 
fiffaaly OS the man who atocd bntween him and bia wifo. But P»cii 
the llMTitable diacoiaion which mnit ariao, and quite nndcntAcdtng 



thn objocitiona to it, 1 like the play, though 1 doubt if it wUl ever bo 
p<^lar. What 1 do wy. «tnphatioAUy, ia thi«, that any ooe who 
wiahaa to wrionalr stsdy we art ot aetinit, ahMM no Hn. 
BKXsaKS Bkxbs. U. MaKTcn, mi Ui. Hdibt Kkvilu, in Hn. 
CalOVBtl Pubd's AriniH. 

It ii difllealt, tbjugh ponibte, to have too naob of a cood thi&f, 
but I rauat return for ooe eroninf to The WinUrt Tatt at 
the Lyceum, beoauao I read that onr HaBT AiTDcnaos ti Unrinc na. 
All. tkeretoro, who Want to Me what Perdita anght to ba— aboald 
hasto to thn I.yn^um. Who waa it uid that " the dancing on tlio 
atatcD at prnipnt mi/^ht be dotsribed a« uoffrMlfill or diarmocfnl: 
ikt: nii^rrly graceful hiuvaaiBb«di*''--Ybi>Mid thia? Ithaiboanaaid ; 
hut thtro are aorno pooplt) wIm wiU M* notUlW ud aay aaytlunjr, 
and most ncrtainiy ao long ai Mtnr AxnoMV oas dnBM M P«rMa 
at the ruKtio featival (it i» all K«odeyuryetcpoltt),M long will tlUM 
be the very model of artleti anatndied traoo ia daaoiait on tbe ■(**•• 
Never wu there danoinjt m nutafrey. The moral ia, hade to the 
Lyceum and, before the is oC to Anmee, ettoh ovr Hakt on the hop. 
ITouts, Jicx-n-TSB-Box. 



KX-AUSTW. 

It ippeAt* from'the T«bUl that a Oorreapoodent hat paid a Tint 
to Cuitarbary on the " courl^'iua icritation oi Mr. W. J. AtiTriK, 
Sarreroctoue Dean and Chipttr (which ho noentod with "oua- 
•ideraUo plenaaraL" ) to iniUHMit ''the recrnt find of bonea auppoaed 
to be thoao of St. Thomu of Cantorhnry." Ho writci that hs waa 
nabend into a drawing-room where be fovad a complete human 
■kfllebm "nlmoat NVfrontly Uid oot" " Alnjoit,"— not ijuito.— 
then the akettteo mutt liAre^been laid ont with nsmcthiait >«« 
than reverenoel Fnrther, it uf^an that the "find of boats" 
("thefindof boBeaI"]waaphoeain a drawiBK-room "inoU timee 
a hall," It haa alio tranR[d»d that the remains were at first Uid in 
the dining-room, where they mn*t have been a Terit«ble efceUtoii ftt 
the feaat. It la to he hop«d that, to ooneeal their angiceettTeeeea, 
tliey wer<< Dot hidden am^micit the oontents ot the oellaren*. If thia 
were indeed lbs uuBe [and there ia no limit to "leM than mWOMS"), 

tbu house of the SurTcyor might bo appropriately UbeUei for tne 
future, " Deeonterb nry." 

OPERA CBOP PROSPECTS. 

Ia it becanae the West End cannot support two connnrrent paob*- 
mimes, that J4irk has cut down hi« Beanstalk in the Otnlen and UA 
Piut'i'i' lt"i-li in pr)8f>iision of the Laae? Or is it that the etege of 
CoTent GiirdeD Theatre ia required at oaou for the extenUT* pre- 
parations utready ouuupyinx tbe mind ot miihty D&tTKlOLtinia, whi^ 
It rrjoioes Mr. Puneh't heart to hear, b bent on reatoring tbe tood 
old limes, and the ROod old tunes too. uf Italian Opera,—" Oood old 
Operaa "— as they used Ui be. when Pater Auodstt! DnCKIOLUn 
ruled on the staeu and Sir Micsikl Costa waa Kiuk ol the Winds 
and Strings in the orobestra. Already lirat' rate uamea are annonneed. 
" A " stands fur Albuii, alwayi " A 1." and also fur AKaOLUxut. 
Protit.' 



AhTme for BatepByerei 

HooKaT, Mr. Diq'jli, 

Ho w^Wer we giggle, 
Socb good news yoa 've brought ni til roond. 

Pot Bal«payers Uogh, 

To see snob Sae epovt. 
As a penny knocked off in the pound I 



Bsoinni to Dbitb On Wild!— Theao "diplomatic changes." 
Lord LawsDow.iK to India. Wca Lord Diii-mri*. lywd Siaitlst to 
Canadn, Barou De Wohms to the seat Taotted by Lord Sruil.aT; 
thrtn ehangn at tho Hague, at Atheni, Belsradc, and BU Janeiro, 
and moving about all round juat in tbe ai^uud month el theTwr, Ii 
really (■nongbtomakoWiiiTAKKK tj'srhishair; onduforM-r.BuCKLL 
who hat only Juat brought out hia luvful nnnnsl CyoluiMedia, Uiid 
whiisu motto is, " Avannt, pf-rplaxity I " it ia enough tu irivo him 
what TdBotioait HnoK'n Urs. Rtic, Orandmother to our " Un. K.," 
called " a fit of perpleiity," and ske edded, " Lnekily there was a 
surgeon preaent who at ono* opened his jocular vein." How to get 
thi^sB new matters into his CjW^ttdia ii a HazdUnnt to eraok. 
Theaa Diplomatuts have nooonMSsian for poor oomptUrs. They 
look OB snoh nsefnl works in Ih* aert of my that Prince B»- 
MABCX. inyi he nguiU the Frees, as " ee utMb pnatsnP ink." 

Oir acoonnt of btTing to danoo attendanee dnrinc the BsHios in 
the Dublin Law Comta, a certain Irish H.P. will be:knowa in futue 
aa " Ur. ToE-AXI>-HBALr." 



63 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Fkbboaby 18. 1888, 




* 




SIR CAROtNAL AND 



THE BIQ BIQ G." 



MISERY AND ITS MEASURERS. 

Thi Fitiei tjfJadi CalKitr, Ojirrativt mi 
of Employ. 

"Tbsn !■ no doubt th»t dlffi-r«nt opinion* tit 
ntiTtainF'! «ith mrnmnfr la th« iitant of wtot of 
ettip1o^mFnt» HDd of thrdislrcHWlLlobrliiU. Somp 
altrja that iC ii ri^ialTc, anil Toit lo \\t ciltnl; 
olhrtB ihmt it it no mirn ibj^a it unrmiil mtl inpvlt- 
mblo ID K ftt9i town *itli TBTyii}^ rmploymant.'' 
— Lird HithJuII, hi inlTtdHcinf la LorJ Snliitnrf/ 
al lit FurtigH OJfia a DrputHifn Jroti £arl 
Ccutplv^'i OammillM en Iht tiiilinf l>%tlrm. 

EicxPTiosti. tsi normal ? Wtll, you •«, 
1 do not know that it rnnoh inUnata me, 

That miithtr >)U«stion : 
Tnupinr Iodk boun Ihtouxh LoDdon'i froit 

uid tnir« 
An "Unemployed, "—no work, nofood, nolire, 
I rtiae my (ilaint, and thomc great men— Id- 

Fmid d«patatioiM, talk, bat no rasseitiaa 
Yet grent* my ru 
Of help imnudkte, prMtiaiJ radoleu*. 

Clear 1 After tenling nil thoy lay, 1 find 
That nthoi more than ovnr my poor mind 

Ii in a muddle^. 
Pttlian 'til cold and hunRnr maltmi me d«nM. 
Wordi will not warn KheaohilUd in loul and 

■ClliW 

SbtlUrcd by itnoa daik entry, aroh. or fence. 



Like birds in winter, balf-atarred ereatuns 
hnddU. 

Or loun^ and lurk 
Abont thi* bnay Babylon, " Oat of Work." 

I 'm cut, whoerer 'a in— (Aa( faol i« clear ; 
And oarcfal " averaires," I (freatly fear. 

Won't mend my troable. 
What i* tho " normal " qmntom of diatrwa. 
That none need fu9i about, 1 cannot iraeBB. 
Whether 'ti» what now reigna, or more, or 
lew, [donble, 

The sum of Inst ysor's woe. or half, or 
Hebscsf.ll may ask, 
I. hare no heart, my Uaiten, fur the taak. 

It may not be " exoeptional.'' perhaps. 
That many thousands of ua UbonriDg ohaps 

Can Und no labonr. 
OoscHX^ ma^ see la aritbmetio qiieat 
No end of " intellectual int*re»t : " 
[ know thpre 'a nsiaery in my own honie-Qe«t, 
That in that mitery I hare many a neigh- 
boor ; 

And that 'a enoufh 
To make me siok of mtre atatittic atoft. 

Whf n RiLirBtTKr was out he hf Id. 1 think. 
That it wae GoTBroraent's duty not to shrink 

Frim boldly tarltling 
This demon of Distress. Well, now he '■ in, 
'Til time the taaklLng boainess should beftlO' 
But 1 suppose he finds— how "Data" will 
grinl— 



That tiea of ofHoe are a trifle shaokling— 
At least, it aoema 
He hoida hii own old promlnoa wild droani. 

Then be *' would do bis utmost to promote " 
Our news about relief works. Worth a 

toui— 

Bnt ia he planning 

Praetioal oarrfin^ out of thow same TlevaF 
Nay, now 'lis quite another pair of shoe*. 
Countenance to boresy he must refuse. 
And with a aneer he'a down npoa [0:t 

MUIKIBS, 

Help on whose pattern 
Woold only do is Jupit«r or Saturn. 

There '* no such diHicult anbjeot, ao be MyVi 
The Cardinal's "humanity" '■ aeraxe. 

To think of more law 
Borrowed from oonoFiellors who can't agree 
Upon one ainjile point, save that in He 
They have a " ditll"ulty."— well, too m« 
How the sDver ItCa ! Fall back upon tbe 
Poor Law, 

That blessed thinr. 
That to distress lends ita most dreaded sting ! 

And Capital F . And Coate?. To seek the 

cause 
Of misery in oold hearts and oallon* law*, 

M*re Mammon -clutching. 
Sweaters aod apeculatora, aUves of aport, 
Direa who, le*t the baniiudt-fpraed mn 
short, [Ooart 

Stinte e'en tlie crumbs,— Cabinet, Chnrcn.aad 
Will tell us there b« themes that won'tWr 
touching : 

■The State they 'd fire. 
Ko,— we'll " euneult oar colleague*," we 'U 
"inquire." 

Inquire,* inquire, my Maitcn ! And mean- 

whiio 

We in blank Uisery 'a face must itare, and 
amtle 

Till iD()ueat formal 
Fiodi out if the Distress that rack* o^ir hearts 
Heana oyer- pop utation, failing marls. 
Our own unlhrift, paupers from foreign 
parts; 
Andwbether. after all, 'ti* more than "nor- 
Who'd fear to fall Lmal-" 

Cruabed by a Curse that'a "not exoep* 
tionilP" 

Whether we hiTe a "natural ri([ht," Ot not. 
To anything beyond our burial plot — 

To life, or labour — 
Our masters do not seem at all agreed. 
Some hold that the sharp pinch of utmoit 

need. 
Gives to the starving valid right to feed. 
Some moral claim upon hi* happier noiBh- 
boar. 

Others Bfrain, 
Oppose the idea with all their heart — or braia. 

" Headlei* and heartless !" one* the Cardinal : 
Then on him tooth and nail the pooditji fall : 

He's "sentimental." 
A fault that caps all orim«, and that matt 

bring 
A " oataolysm " down on evtrything. 
So to Society's (rood our »nffenni[( 
Seenu aomethinv atin<ilutvly incidental ' 

The Poor's imoiety, 
Hay one day doubt thy right, divine Society ! 

Thy right divine to tai our toil and tears. 
For aomo unknown " infinity of year*,*' 

Juit to keen stable 
Thy preciiins pyramid wlioee spreadilg bate, 
la rawed by tnc omahed heloU of our ran* ; 
Wealth crowna the lofty peak with gold and 
grace. 
Beware my Hastera, iMt, like a new Babel, 
Hes'lloog it faU. 
Wlun mif cry nally geta " eiceptiooal I " 



FttKOAn 18, 18S8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



83 



UNEMPLOYED! 

To PUIIJT Ol- A I'KElTIf GiBI. 

Ik writrr 00 Fuhiann njt that Bri'lMtwiidt 
•n to be iboUilLcd.] 

OuuT Hr»en ! Tb« IIH<ic«a4i>l ftboluhod f 

Then Cirili«Blioa '■ |>U;*d «intl 
All ii Dp vt'.h the prclty uid poluhed ; 

Hak* WBV for Old UkuI* ud th« Oont ! 
U Cnipid'a drfeoUbiA «ittu« 

b T«rilr thai od tlw vu«, 
Wh»t OM for th* Mi« to inanlt u 

WiUi talk of th« trinnpbj of Brain P 
Out on Art— tbodf It fron fu Tokotuuaa, 

Oa DrMi, Uwain from Puit it mine I 
If a Frattr Qtrl'a put in tb« drama 

Of Lift ia est out, fA» 'r> all hum I 
'TMbar dajr it waa weddiDca were itoiipiiif ; 

At Uaat *» tbe qitill-drivere cried. 
Aa rare a* Una riMM wu " t^ppinit," 

Aa warea aa the Dudu a Bride. 
B«t oh 1 if a Oirl did uut muny, 

A Brtdeamaid peruhanac >lio might be, 
A bdiial boaijiiFt Imve to cuty, 

B« annad bv xjmu baf^hobr ne, 
Make «ae of tKo bcuntiful borjr 

Who fluoked rmuid the nitor in whlta; 
Bat thi* lait picoe uf nowi ia m haaTf 

It daikena our Inat gleam of tiatiL 
Adits to the Church and the If laater ! 

I moat make up taj mind, I 'm afnjd, 
To Uve a ditMawlato iipiQiitcr, 

And fiskh a dowdr Old HaiiL 
Tbc BridMmaid aboliahed f Then baniih 

Britbt are, rnddj lip, tlander wniat I 
Lat taumna vanity ranith— 

Lorn. t<n<biitl(Uied gtoTta, and 
taatel 
tor what ia the me of ntch uattcra, 

If Hymen is out ol th« hunt ? 
If Men. who are nil mad a« hatt«ra, 

Tba altar rcfiuo to oonfnint ? 
If Iha world, in a mood nQitidal, 

With honcTmootii utterly aloyed, 
BcaolTM to abolub thn FIridal, 

AjidlMTaBprsttFGiTU"Uneniplored 'i 



food 



AN IMPERIAL CATECniSM. 

IitUttdtd for Vit UM <>/ thi UyHijIol CohnuL 

Q. Thara hu baen in a rewot nmnUr 
of the Tim**, «oma etir emt«d hy a refer- 
•see to tba jfrantlnir by Has Muearr of a 
flbartar to the Ontanlalng Committee of the 
" ImpartallaatJIute." Id the article dealing 
with (he •nbject. it waa aUtcd that the out- 
ooMa id tka cnterprlae was heli to be " the 
ksittinc man olotely the tiee «hi«h unite 
tha T MKnia parta cf the Empire, and the 
pfWitatiny tta Indaitriil and Rummnroial in- 
dwttrl" Oan Toa tdl mr what at^petka 
afor wa id OmaulncCommitti^e have taken 
to irivo naMkal tfoet to thi« deeirable 
nmUP 

A. They have oollected a good date ol 
BMuy. held iwTititl nnterpriniaic mMtin^. 
aleand a rito at Sijuth Kt-nwoirt'ici oti whiuli 
tber are aboat to ereot a T«d brick buiMiiijt. 
wfUb a laiBa tower and r\xiia» intruded for 
na ttoeptian of raw and other Cubnial 
prodnea, and paeeed eome keD«nl rewlutimu 
of a ha^y and hopefol, if of an atrr 
eluuaotor. 

0. Onite *o. Then yon do not think. 
tboofti the Orfaniainjt Cununilt«« am in 
proeeaa ottMaz a Charter nantad ti> the 
'' laqwriariBMitQtc." that Umt hare any 
Tarr deftnUo idea of what eort of an tindtr- 
t«kiBf tbay «i« endeaTotirioc to tot npoa 
ilalap. 

^. Nn, tdoaot. IbaUovetheyeotartain 
Maa rarna faae^ that bow and then an 
oeca ai oBal intandiBi aaitnnt or Colonitt 




"RESPONSIBILITY." 

OrandmamTna [jiwting Itut Setiool Iltjxtrt). '"Iw.*!— luattnoaDDliTa !— PL*Trso TjlPattrl' 

Oa, IJxiaiXKT 1 1 WAR MIOCSRD TO MtAa TnMl AMD TOUB lUrA aMD HamU, BOW IHa- 
TKCailKll TIIKT NC«T HAVB hUN !— Ain> YOC IHaiB 0)>t.T CUILO TOO ! WBSK TOV OrOOT, 

ON TUAT AC<;oiT»r, TO BB ALL TBI MOKI A ooNrour TO tnaa." 

iltrtftt "Oh te*. G&ax'ma', '« all vbby riKB ! Ilor rr'n batbbb bocqb 0)i a Vxl- 
LOW TO HAVB TO ua SO JUU.T Good t^a a lot or Bao'Bia an' S:h'>ub uk hauc't dot 1 1" 



happeainji to be in l/mAaa, will go down to South Eendngbm for tha pnrpo*" of tn- 
■peoting aume tpeeimen of timber, com, wool, or erea f anutniai not prodnoM by the home 
country, and will bn much edi£ed by hia vUiL 

Q. And do yoQ think that thia rarne fancr. if raaUaed, will lartely oontribnta to 
the " k&itlinK morn ol(»«1y thn tio which unito the TarionR pajla.of tha Empira" that tha 
Orgivniiing Committi-B propm^i to nffeot. 

A. Ko, Ilonmtlv, I rannot nay that 1 think it will. 

Q. Bnt thdre ia a^l union rotdc to ' ' t!poriil Kihibitionii," which wilt be h«ld at tha lartitate 
aontially. with a reference to thn fact that " thny ou^ht to b« made to pw fbc tlum- 
aalTea" frctn tlie monej taken at the door*. A* the pnblio will hardly ornah in 10 look at a 
few aeeond-band Colonial Hape and prodnota, oan yoa oonocdTe what aort of an «at«rtalnaiectt 
the Committee have In their eye to piopoee, with a view to drawing a erowd«d audunoAt^V 



I 



6( 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




tFaBRUART le, 1888 




AN EYE FOR PROPORTION. 

"Ci>UB IX Ann HAVB HOME LuNCS, PBOFESSOR. MT HcRHilIlD 

WILL i^vD Toc * r*iii or TiLOunEas, ir your* abk wkt," 

"Mr pmah Uhk. roT»rrl War, I'tt twtca Totrn Hvbhakd's 
RixB !" " Tiro P*tKS THSK ! " 



ji. Ko. I C'wn l)i&t the pmblem is one that has faiilf ptuxled me. 

Q. I am not turprined. D<' vou ihiiik. linweT*r. they wilt again 
h»»c rtoouTie t* the Coloured l-iebtj. Mihlary Bands, and ^meral 
tea-gkrden attrBclioDs of the (r(iri<i oU " South Ktiisinglon Ring" 
tilMI. ot that, f tiline the ontdour BOBommodaliDH for aaah a pro- 
(ranme. they will (all haok upon Eome we!!- own side red aoheme, that 
«<m1jd at cmc and the name time nutintiiin to a certain d«gne the 
^guitfoi the iDitltute and yet tinlcle the public tait« f 

A. Ve<. Buw that 1 come to reflect upiiri the matter, I ahonld gay 
they would dtcidcdly do this, nad probablj' iniusriirale their ei|wri- 
Otnt with at Itoat a »en«a of appropritle diatolving views anoom- 
panied possiblv by a oonijo wcft or two for the pnrpoie of iuTeatinfr 
the whole witb a little lively intereat. They might even introdnce 
judicidualy a little Nieger MinntreUy. 

Q. That U an caceUeut Huggeetion. May I uk what hu induoed 
yon to make it ? 

A. C«rt*iiily. I noted that the name of the Arohbishnp oi Yoiik 
li^rnl pToaiitRntly among tbuM at the diatitigiUBhed but hetero- 
geneous erowd of eantlemen who oonatitate the Orgauiaing Cum- 
mittee. 1 naturally aanooiated hia Oraoe with that »ombre and re- 
•pefltaWe form of r*ereationthatiioharauteriBtii!uI the diaaolving view. 

Q. And the iutroduotion of the " eumic boub ot two," aud " the 
IitU« Ni»ger MinBtrt'ldy." to which ymi referred i* 

A. Wa« impirfd vArXy by aeiang the name of the I.oeh Mai-oic 

Q. Quite *). You refer, hnwuver, to the names of the membera of 
ihi Organiiing Committee, and you hftTe doubtleaa read some of them 
with aaton'ihrneul. if not with pleasure. Can jou teU me, for 
icBtanco, why ttiat. (r{ the Freaident of the lioyal Academy should 
fljtUTi? en tlie liit? 

A. Ko ; I cannot for thn life of me tmagine any oonoeifnhte reason 
why it ahniild. 

g. Ton do not mcogniie anv oontteotion by which th« diaoharKe 
of his f nnctinni lu thn aoknowledjif d h*ad of the artistio world in 
th« country marks him ont apeoially a* n lilting reproseotatire of a 
aoherae organifti'd for the pnirpoir of " kuittinr more oloaolj" the tka 
whiuh unite th^ variimi part" of thn Empire " z 

^. 2io; I miMit oertainly do not. 




Q. Then yon regard the ooDatitntionof the OrganiaiiiK Committee 
as a little bit "mixed"]' 
A, Tea, aj I do their ideas of the nndertakinff tbcy are otg^- 

nitiag aa a litUe bit " muddled." 

Q. And you do not look very hopefully on either the near or 
remot* prospeotB of the " Irapprial Institute " f 

A. Nil, I cannot snj; that I do. I regardit in the preaent as a Wg- 
toanding name, meaning nothing, to conjure with, and nothing mora. 

Q. And what effect do you think, when fairly started, U ia 
Ukely to have on the Colonist of the future. 

A. I should say that, when fairly started, it wonld mystify him 
oonaiderably. 

OUR BOOKINQ-OFFICE. 

No, no, Fnul FalnjT won't do after Mariio'i Crudfic. It any or 
may not oomnare favourably with ^fii. Makiok CKi.irrou>'s otlier 
DOveU with whioh I am unacquainted, 
but it is ft novel lo distinctly inferior 
in style and oonstruotiDO to MarM't 
Crucifix, that it might have been 
written by a different hand. It 
begina capitally, and the intereat 
of the story ia wel! anatained np 
to the discovery of ' ' mv long lost 
brother " without the ' strawberry 
mark on his left arm " ; but after thia 
it is. as it were, one long anti-climni. 
Of MarT.in't Ctiicijii yon can. indeed 
you mint, rend *very line, but with 
Paul Vat/iff the habitual novel-reader may take plenty of excroN 
in the way of skipping almost all the pages wlivre he does not im 
any diili>iriie leading up to a 9itnati<m. A fifov"* of diilogiie, Pt«- 
feinir CulUr'f opinion (whether it be the author's err not, I cMUIOt 
pretend to say) on " puna " might have [ilnaaed Dr. Boinro Jooit^ 
Kif, bat wonfd not have been cooaidertd llatterinf by Sraksfkibx. 
A mete panater whoria perpetually punning in seaaon and oat of 
season, is, of oonrae, as great a nutaaace as the stnpld psraon who 
has Itol bv heart a considerable portion of SniKSFsaKB's playa, 
and who iclerrupte every oouverration with inopportune qauta- 
tions ; but Buch puns as Shesihih, Hook, Hood, and, in our 
own time H. J, BrsoH could make, were mirth-moving, and 
frequently the occasion of their ntterance gave the word-play 
all tha condensed force of a ni^atly-tumed satirionl epif^ram. " TnoM 
who cry out against the play on words as, an unnatural and affected 
invention," »ny» Srnr.KRKi. on the jcux' ite mod of Sn.ianruai, 
"only betray thoir own iinDronoe of oriitinal natnre." The 
eharaoters, inolndinif this Professor, who is nntntontionally a bore, 
are not drawn with a Mabioh CiuuroKO-like touch, vigorona and 
inoisive, but are rather ordinary pnppsta from the stock -ia-lrade of 
the professional novelist. They are not Craafordian tigares, but 
common Mnrinnettes. 

The Author of J?j/ Virtue i>/ Mt QJficii, writ«a to sav that he did 
not make his Mill Verity claim \o he the author ■)( T\e Childrrn't 
Cfij in one of Mr. PhkcVi numbers, bat that when thia young 
lady bluabingly owns the soft impeachment of having written iiamfi- 
thing, at all events, in the particular iesne alluded to in tliu novel, 
(he didn't mean Th^ Childrrn't Cryby oni'iif 3/r. Funth't^uMXtina 
Boys, but the poem in whiuh there was as much suul ax in BHOirvnra'a 
Cry rif Iht Chiidren, I hope this is perfectly clear to somebodj. 

The second volume of the Hrnbt Ibvoo Shiikipeare, whtoh is 
being issued by Messrs. Bliceir, is just out. Unfortunately I was 
"Just ont" when it arrived, and could only glance at its oontonta 
on my return lo office. The itluatrationa by Uobdun Buowxk aean 
to me excellent compositions, dramatio, but not tbeatricaL Tlie 
plentiful anni'tatious. preface*, histories, and eiplanationa, are by 
Mr. Fhjuik MtKSBALL, BSBiat^d by Mr. P. Z. Rouirn, so that, as 
Mr. MiHioK CiurFuue's Frofnior Cutler might say, " wn hav« tlie 
■tatFrncDts and facts duly Marshalled, and the result should be sood 
all Round." 

I'vereadtwoontof the Four Gho'l Sfnrws, by Mrs. Uolxswobtb, 
The tirst is commonplace ; I 've known the ghnut of that old laif 
in the lumber. room tor years, but Mrs. MoMrsirnuTn') deaorjpllm 
of ■' brushing pait a gho«t on the stairs," suggests a new aenaaUM ; 
otherwise it did not make my flesh creep, as the immortal " Fat 
Roy in Pir.kicitk" said— [fancy a set (>( ghost stories by tha Kat 
Hoy ! )— and as to the second story,— well, I had heard it wfora. I 
began llie third Ohost Story last night, hut the Intereat it arooaod 
np to the sixteenth page was not suflluieut to keep ms aittina «p 
to floish th« tale, Juit wait till I bring out my llavntrd Hotu* 
srith ttn Ok'itt StuFfya and a Lift.' that will make your haiii 
stand (in end like quills—DO, like steel pens in the " revcniblo p«a< 
cleaner," a most useful invention, by tno way. More in my nnxt, 
uulets press of business cumpula mo to Iranafrr some odd Toltimaa to 
another critic who will not sign himself, as I do, 

Bakon nx Boor Woum. 



4 



jty IfOTleE—SeJeeud Comniaaieatioai CT Con trt bo lions, whether MB., Fiiniai KatlQi, Drawlags, or Pictnres of any daserip. 
J?'"^" *• rctorscd. aot »v»a wiea accompanied by a Stampd ani AAdtatMA HutaViM. Cwati ot Wrapper, Ta 
_w«* wUi 6f no «v— »n-~ ' * _^ 




FsuBUiBT 35, 18S8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAillVAEI. 



85 




THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. 
{Bi/ort Mr. CommUiionsr PoBOu.) 
A SaetpaptT fniprittOT _introiIn(*d, 
Commiuiontr. Well. Sir, what ttn I iJo (or yom f 

Witiuu. I would ulc )'oa to utist m« in BiiK-iidiDK the libel Uwa. 
C. CWUiulr, if Iho; are nufftir. Bat tint, oi \(btt bate jon to 

Ir. If jran will allow mo, I will toll ;oa £nt what we [ooiuider 
Jnat, and then wb>t wo f«cl to b« unjtut. 

C. lf7<nipl«M«f 

W, W« have nnt the uliiihtfwt ohjonfion ti> ui^ ttatnt* that rnftlly 
protwit* the pubUo frnm imwarrnnlahlc iluA nnjtutifitbU attioici) in 
the wlniitD* of A newtpftpi-T. It \» m*iiiCei>ttr to the intt rvnt i>i 
ereiT JoonuUet who hex toe diitnity of hi* prof^uion at hritrt, ti) 
l>BdeTerTU«i»t&aoe to the orothinicof reellf MurTilL>n*i><ihlio»lKina. 

C. Yw. Anil fou thick that the tib«l law* ito furthtr than thUP 

W, UnqncitiuDably. Thrir preMut ooodition i* laoh a* to oSur 
a direct inuitrmeot to uiiecrupuluue and nerdy adventurer* to oom- 
miQoii [nruluuti aalioiis ttua^iint rtuprola))!); uonduotisl journal*, fur 
the ubriuim iiTir[KiBt> of I'lturtiuc tila«k moil. Duly tha other day 
one of Uii' Jiidgui rrmarkwl that thia olaas vt aulionn now formed 
the moit important brunch of tbo work oarriL'd uii in tbe Cuurta. 

C. 1 fattoy Mr. Justice U^misty made that obaervation. 

W. 1 thiok «o, and Mr, Jiulioe Djit delivorod himiwlf of word* to 
the Mtnc cETcot. But theie uutiune whiah como into &iitrt form but 
k fraction df thn totn! cumber uf prDcecdini^s eitliL-r uommvnocd or 
tfarealcord. In many instances prooeedinas are initiaUd by iptou- 
fettre mlioitor*. who look for Uietr teword Ir the mist* thuy ofitain. 
It ia a known fact that loiDe of thene ^cntlenicQ aotuoUy watch tho 
COlSMn* [if Tarinni nfiwapapers, with a vinw to frrretinj; out pcnonal 
klltuJOQ* likely fo he prodnntiTG of lib«l procEedingi. 

C. Beallf 1 Thi« i« a mnit eitranrdinary ulatemont. 

W. But one that can hii «iihHtnnfiat''d. Thnre in a oaae on record 
in which an action was aotoally commenced bef(>r« any anthority to 
proceed had hm<n ^iven by the person alleited to bv libelled. 

C. I euppoHi lhi» affeete country papen mor« than I/)ndon ooea? 

W. FoMibly : for in the ProviDoes, where ioarnaliim [espeoialty 
in remot« ditmcta] i* not so pronperou* ai in the Hetropolit, a mcra 
thr«*t of an action fur libel haa the muiit diiciuietinK effput. Many 
ft prnpfietor, tnra of the Juatioe of hia cauB«, pay* a sum down to 
■void further litiKation. 

C. Bat larely if he peraeTered he would gain hia oauae, p!u* wwts, 
from the plainti.lt who had been bo unwiae a* tu sue him t 

W. Bui iupp:«i that iiluintiff i« Q man of itraw. withottt a penny 
labia pocket, what rcrocdy haa the unfortunate defendant then? 

C 1 M« your point. Well, what do you suirpeat f 

W. That tEittera may be made hetfer by the pnssinB of a Bill, in- 
tmlnoed by Sir A^-f-as-vos Boaiawic'K. and which will comol on for 
ita Btoond lif odtng on the SHth of the preient mouth, 

C. What are tho pro-riaiona of thia meamre? 

W. 1. Tho extantioQ of ahwlutfl piiTileee to aoonrate reporta of 
kU DMCtiw* oir oil&oial notiof *, whi:ih it ia right and proper ihonld he 
pohlidiid. S. Tlw limitinK of the turns to be reoorered (when 
B«itb«r BMlJoe nor froaa negunooe oan be prored) to anob damaiici 
■a the pUiatitf eu ahow tlut fie has really anstained by the publimi- 
tlos of tlM libel. 3. The prevention of repeated actions fur Uio lamo 
IfbaL and 4. The enlargement of the power uf Judgo* to order im- 
peeuilinH pbtntiflt to nod eecarity for coat*. 

C. Bmt ahoot Criminal Proteoutiuus lur libel? 

W, By lU* neuBre this would alau be restricted, and adefondant 
wonUfce aUowed to appear ai a witneai onhii own behalf. 

C. "OaA ptopoMd Act ioema in uycry way rca*onahlc, 1 hox>e it i* 
wtjl anpported. 



W. It is honked in the Common* by anch repreMBtUlTO Ben M 
Mr. JoHK MouLiT, Mr. Lawsoh, Mr. J£]i»inm. Dr. CaiBBOV, aoi 
Sir Albkbt Rnuir. 1 am glad to *By that Ur, Dwns 6UT (• 
dutiDiniUMd member of the Kntionaliit party) is alao gifinx the 
W»«mM « moat cordial mpport. 

C QoodI With nioh parsoDa to hack the Bill, it should be pasaed 
without any difficulty. What oan 1 do for yon ? 

W' 1 ShMld be very Jtlad if ya would kindly inform the pnblio 
that 9r Au^BKOV'fl measure does not in any war loxen the retpao- 
eibUity <A proprietors to keep their newiipaper* me from real ubel, 
bat merely ptotoota them from vexatioius proteoutitta and oonae- 
quent blaoV^mail. 

C. I will *ee that the matter ii mentkoed in the pnper qnartar. 
[Tin H'ilruni. than/linn tht Comm^timtr fir M tmirU*]fi 
th»n tcilhdrefc. 



THREE VIEWS OP JUSHCE. 
lit EiroLun).— Prbooer bff<n'f a Police Ikragiatrate. 

Priioner. Pleaae, your Worahip, I wiih to tell you that 

JUafitiraU. Stop, I oaQ bear nuthinx from you without waminr 
you tnat anything you aay may he taken down in writing and B*ea 
againatyou at yotir trial. 

Pri^ But, 1 miut insist that I really did do 

Mag. No. DO, I ref nsa (« hear you ! It ia oontradictory to ths fawt 
traditions of onr law. that you ahonld inarimiaate yooradf. 

Fru, But I iosiitthnt it wuj I who 

M4g, Slenoe! 1 will not hear you I I tell yon that you are 
doinc yoUMlf harm. It i* th» aim of Juitioe to gi\e errry one in 
Enaund a dtanoe of getting off, whether guilty or not guilty. 

Pri*. Eut it ia not a question of guilty or not guilty. 1 frankly 

Maf. ConfeasI The man most be mad I ~ Let him bo removed. 
Id Pbamcb.— Priaoner bf/ort a Jnge. 

Pruontr. I con a»tirc Honaieur that I am ionooeati 

Ji^c. Pig' Seooodrcll I.iar! 

Prii. But I am not n lior, for 1 lay I did not commit the crime. 

Juai^. 1 will not bear you teil nioh a delibent« lUltruth I It fs a 
•oandal — an infamy t 

Prt*. But, Monaieur, I p«it«»t— 

Jwii'. Did you not say when we dined togetiior that you had done 
the deed? 

Prit. No; Monnieur, a thooaand timet, do! 

Jiigt. But I aay a thouMOl ttn*a> TM I ThSK waa a shorthand 
writirr taking down your confetdoii concealed ben«alh the table. 

Pru. Oh, my motner I 

Jugt, It ii of no servioe to you to appeal to your mother I Tour 
mother has a souuadrd fur her aua I 

Prii. Obi 

Judg«, Vou need cot weep~it will arafi yon nothing I 

JVi*. But at leoit tell me when 1 madp thia f amuui confL'saion ? 

Judgt. After you had taken four hottlca (if brandy, and were 
attempting to wind up your watoh with a oorkacrew. Let him b* 
romored. 

Ix Qtofu.— Prisoner bc/urt a ReprosentatiTa of Conmon Sena*. 

Prisotur. To avoid expense and anxiety 1 wish to oonttea. 
Seprricnfatirt. Certainly I will not at^q* you, if you are suffering 

from neither hyat«ria nor dementia. 

Prit. 1 am perfectly aane, and was nerer calmer tn'my life. 

Jtep. Kavu yciu wituetaea who oan eorroburale yonr atBtemcata ? 

P™. Anuridl)'. Bat not (rnly Ihia. evvrythinx I did eonneotcd 
with thia aad nJfair was in th« pmenoe of third partiea. 

Rtp. VerymU. Let him be removed. 



SCr. Punch's Oosgrntulatiooa to Two Blain^ Ywiag Hen. 

Hn. Jkotie, tho well-known reclcaioattoal oounitsl. haa " tak<in 
silk." Hi* penTuuiTo addressee in Court wcro aiwayi dolivernd in 
a taking ailky lone. He is now Q.C., and will in future flU the 
rule of " Port Jtunt PrrmiVr." 

Mr. MofTnotr Wiri-iiHs i* al*o a Q.C Hi* work at Greenwich in 
relieving the ndferers during a time oif emptional distrees, shows of 
what exoellant stuff this new Silk i* made. '.The poor ia hie diatriot, 
who may not have k> far availed themselvM of the School Boerd's 
kind offices as b> adapt tJn^KsnuKi to their purpote and My, 
"This i> a Moimac. our /nVnd^" may Tet remember him fur tenia 
time to como OB "The DifiM VnxUHB." BreaTbcdy Itaayingthat 
Mr. MoMrvjD Williams "iImim nil jiiiil endii" far bittoMooL 
UuitBSo: butbehimaetf Miyt, "NoOaditiCMfal" 



CnA&x or 1 Scotch Shoki:>d Coxcut.— TIw Pvv>^ 



\ 



86 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



[Febbuart 35. I8fS 



8fS 1 



KIND UNCLE SARUM. 



» 




yyy 



'^y 



Ui»lt Sarvivi. "Tiimr, Miokt, ky dot, dok't touch tvat utrt Jam, r'll make voq i!r arcn A Httfti ajid uixa'a a kick 

S:,ic:« or ri:inJiau to fcToi" youii moutii with !" 



Ob, wluit itoriei they 't* toW of yon, Mickt, my boy, 

Ihsy nho wiak Tory Iroopi all disbaudt'd 1 
Th»l in Q. 0. M. .I«tii yon cun tnke any joy, 

Th»t by iQiraii?d deimjg you are "landed." 
Tbat Uomo (Ilule) made Jam, my dear Milk, is a ph&u, 

Its coocovter u simijly half crg^^y. 
IThtt, you Ri>ck an ey^ at liia oiiiitiaard "i Oh, fio.l 

Oomt, Uicxx dwr, can't yon be ai«y F 

I UU yon, de&r boy, you vm at the wtodr jar. 

■fty wty 8w«(», tliey're the truB SweBta— of Oillo«. 
Ihia Oaiimvt Piiddinit in nicer by Ur 

Than Dame liLi tiDi'v ItMclaii nud tufCtt. 



'Tis mtreat moonshine to tb«r side (o icDlin*. 

Vou must be a rt-t[utar daily. 
They '11 ju«t " wipB your tye," if thrir ttickjaw you Iry. 
Arrah, Micxv, now, oan'l you be aluy P 

With mc and Wnvc Akiulu whit tim** yoa liar* ipvDt. 

We arn making the hi)f)(e9t tucpeia. too. 
With that sickly stodge tjou can ne'er bt- oontelit; 

It Hill mak« yon in such n fine mesi, t)0, 
LflantoW. G. f That's «illiddlo-do-d(*. 

I know yon 'r« not grtedy. or loxy. 
Try thin lovi'ly pliim-dnfl : it is really [irinie ktuR. 

Join in, Mickt, and then take it nisyl 



¥saaxjAXt 3J>, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



87 



Lofii^ )""», Mick r minp, in the wild Torien piiMwdt 

Till thej nsked UdcIr .Stnrw t" Innd th»m. 
With brare Akthch wo 've riMn to glory ftt lut. 

liods tempt yon, dearUicxI Donot nwd tbeml 
Torn, tnm fn>in th»ir oopbotrd; Etrand Old Hnther 

Wbo kcfipK it, IM wicked, (tnd cruzy. [Bnbbud, 

Don't liBgtT, don't look I Oo the 0. 0. H.'a hwk. 

Dtur Micxr, 70D muU doC b« tiEj I 



LEKTEN DISCOURSES. 

Amoho otbn- TalubU works for this [>«nit«iitial 
uMi i« a trwtiM cm Gout by Dr. Robson Koosb. 
wliieh hu ftlrMdy ran UmoKb seter&l editioos— u (eat 
nouikiib!* in a trout/ volume— and hood there will b« a 
BnrtrcthiDaTe-«4a^Utioii(if the uld proverb, " Chaeun 
d m GmUU," Tftit Uiv Itiat uiMifut are the fuot-nottu, a.n 
MlCfatbacXpMtoi, audit tberulc'ii heriiti iriveuBrt? Timidly 
«b*r«d, aOT Muly cubjti't ul H^r Gmcioua Mjijeistv will 
bt onnd Of Imiulady in toe- lor, Llict is everytbicjt- or 
atttlj (rvarrtUni. tad in order to keep this wv!l bofure 
hi* patiorij, Dr. ltoc«s mic-ht nlart a aetuf Cbnmbpra fur 
OotitT fawn* la the tuDulitv whsre " SouUulNJil the 
Fair " OHM dwelt, Oumely, " Uyott Btreot. HWmibiiry 
Sqnan"— If tUIl eiialing. One cure, old- fuhionej, 
pwhapa, but LOM tbe warso fur that, the learned Doctor 
Dai onitl«d, wUoh i*, in thu wurdi 01 tho old mmik— 

Punch cutr* tliii gout, 
Tbv cilia Mill tils i>liliiiiic. 

la fMt 10 tffioMnotu hu thu remtdy b«ea in the last- 
meetJoced w»o Ihnt tho Ut«t diationar y muki tho word 
a>"obaolcta." When will the gout bcobialetp? Sup- 
prwd nvt, fonooth I soppresB it altorelhcr. Dr. 
BabSCIH ilooaifa antipinty (or ain't-I-souty'l hii^uj ore 
baoaninK th* ocdtr erf tho evening, and will iuii«ra«de 
atl Ot&er*, ■■, par txetlUmct, " diniri <j la SoBU. 



A Ci!'i TO woicn A BiKusnB oiiicrs.— A Fee- 
ttMninal one. 

StTB PcTCH-jtiTD-JuDiCK.— Wb tnut lie iriU b« foond 
" a Oood - Tsnpler,' " after all. 




A FAILURE I 

TriAOMtrOivtor <flt » " theJt"). "Br TBI PowsKa-'wuH I tUOtt BOCOBT 
TBI3 Tom-WBitiui-ii— 'r ourit'i Spkll a Btrl" 



KXPERIKNTIA DOCET. 

Tbs Vieaj oi Sheffidd liaa bevn trjinft a now d^ipartare. HaviiiF: 
ictertatad bimielf in praonring work for tho Unnmrloyoii, in order 
to teat ita qnalitf ha hu takan a turn io the Ktone-;iLrd liiinself. 
Ha appcart not partHolatlr to hav« raliahed the ezpenment, yet, (u 
B wataDperarr baa pmnt«d out, it Hem* to be one that nUKbt be 
imitjitKl with mach adnintve in miiny qitarten. fancy Lord 
BiUSBDiir, foT init*nnfi, pf«i^tio»ny ttttinu tho worklot of the 
Coercion Acta by pminir twonty-foar hours, with a plank-bed 
thrown in, in ui Irish jtanl ; or Sir Ciuki.tw WiBRES. imrpoeely 
di»gQii»d M a. Trafalgar ftiuare loafer, summsj-ily run in by one of 
bisowairrepniwibUunderUniri: or. for the matter of that, tmaKine 
Mr. Ounffimni bwcotted in Ireland by miatuke by bin National 
Laagufi fri«nd«, who, aocordice to his t^aohlnn, don't know the 
■aaning of the word " outraro,'' and never havs reouurae to it at all. 
Cm fact ii, most men have a gtttX deal tu aay up'jn ciutti^B non- 
•VBJns which they have no sort of i-ipvrience whutcrer. Wkat 
dOM " G,," the oonlldent Timet CorrcB|)oudL-nt, know about tho pre- 
TaOlBf distress F Preoioua littlo, at least flic imallneu of tbe 
quantity makes it preoioua. It is (or the toaohing and cnlighUninK 
of fooh ODt*ider« that the rLtocul (wndncl of tho Viosr of nhttheld 
eall* for special oommtndalioti. !<'ur his turn at tho Btone-yard ho 
dwOToa the beet thanks of all those who aru cann»l.ly inton'stod tn 
tli dlny Mme praclioal aoluttons for the msny staggoring and per- 
plwJDt qntrtfooa that arc just now occupy in g publiu attention. 



A KOTE AXD A QUEBY. 



Tbbu were tlir«e Urst-rate ipteohes on the oooanion of the 
nwtncal ud Hadeal 8iok Food Dinner at the Ht'tropnlo last 
WadnaadurtU tlMce OOdU not Tery well help being^ with young Mr. 
Llwwx, ILFm. b tha dtair, ■ndMr.tiUi.i.aiidMr. KnuuNnYATKioa 
tluir leCB. W* qslto acraa with tho gcnninl ■rntimiiiit thnro ex- 
preawd, Ihil all theaa Theatrical and ^lusical Fundi shoTtld be 
■ i n«l|t« M »Udin "one gfctt wbnlc" At present it appear* tb«rr is 
vaawj ireat bole— in the purs* of this partioolar charity, wbote 
fnnda, aaeordinc to tlia Chaintan. are at a very low ebb. 

Wa tnut that "a naetiac like this" will "make ameods." 
and nark tho 'nmi of tbt Tide. There is only one queation. 



which we aik in no oarpior spirit, with HfUd to •& ebuiUble 
baorineta. and that is, Is a "bin; feed" kbldntclT naCMmry to 

iriBnre attondanOo. donations, and aubturlptions? It is, of eoatee* 
"so EDgliah, you know." iiut would it sot be a costom ** toora 
honoured in the brcncb thin the obHTTunce," and would not aa 
Kftemoua or evening gathering, with popuSar Chainnaa ud SpMktn 
in their plaoea, cost far Um, and then the money whioh wmtd 
otherwise have been ipcnt OB the eatinc and drinking should of 
couno go to repbniflh tbeooOenot IhefnodF U tbe nrpimen/Hm 
ad ttamafhum eisentiil ? It Ought not to be. Are tfaoe no other 
mean* by whinh a attU more Htfifeotory remit may bo obtaiBcd, 
except by these faro motbcd* P 



BAG AND BAGGAGE. 

" Thn Office of Pttty Bai, worth eight hundml pounds per annum, is no* 



t'ltincl, ftoJ will net be fltled up." — Ilaily Ptptr. 

Fastweu., rou antique Puizlei 
left 
For modem timea to g-U«« ; 
Tours was a post which seemed to 
boor 
The itamp of foolishncM ! 

Why" Potty" P To explain it all 

Imuination flags; 
Was toera another, grander one? 

IaftMt,a"pairofbacs"F 

Oh, did be ovnr Royal Jinks 

A niT"tio glamonr out P 
Or did he "travel" for hlsbre«d, 

Thi* bagroan of the pastt' 

What wmUi function P Did he 
Dailr tbst Petty Bag r [&U 

If to, with wbalinaterial— 
With rock, or stano, or itaf f 



bo 



Of did be argxie day and night 
With folk who fsibd to we 

That fllliof Petty Bag* wu not 
A petty laroeny f 

Porobanoo a ' luokr bsc" 
boirot 

A nun to ohildreo dear j 
Or did he awe a Court of Law 

Whene'er be did appear F 

Alas! tbftt Bag la emptr now, 
IttsMagaBn left nutted; 

VDentiO Uon of dart cnjore 
Out ruthleaaly ande 1 

About the laving of the etah 

It will not do to brag; 
Eight bnndrod pooad* it,' after 

Only •petty" bag"! 



Bojnnnyo un 
Jookey Gnb. 



' A 8ro«n3to' Pamom."— The CatFur ol the 



88 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL [Frbbuabt 25, 1888. 



I 



QRANDOLPHtAN RUMOURS. 

CiiUai/roa, CJU CoiUiiuala! Fnti, 

1/ntD Rurnoun CnuxciniJ. utD tbm Ct»B,— 8tiU farther rereU- 
tioiii tn now forUiooniiDg wliioh pal tiu umtore of the grwA free- 




M> 



^S- 



Onndol^ «and*Tinf . 



h&nded Eoeliah poUtiaian'i ne^tiatiocn at St. Pet«r»btirc beyoBil a 
donbt. Uuiaiu Riving the ligQai hy taking Vieona by • coup da 
main, a oombinrd Ang!o-Kii»B:an Fleet will bombard Conatimtinople, 
and wVfirBl Mi-diti?n'ane!Ui port*. ThU will brinB Oennmi)' into the 
tlsld, and give Krance her caanoe to oroiB the frontier. She will be 
auiit«d in thia hy Kagland, who tlirowing 'i'lO^OM mnn into Belgiam, 
and ai many niorti as she <^an spare inti) the Ualtlc prorinceg, will 
wheel down on t" Horlin from the North. A re-division of Europe 
will be the r««ult. in which half nf Gtrmanr and the whole of toe 
BbUcu Statu will diMppear altogether. Hia Ivirdnbip hai not yet 
«aiUiUtlAl«d Ua loheme to Lord SiLisnoRr, hot he ia oonGdeot 
tkat. thuunh not exactly on the lines of hia traditional policy, he will 
" talk Iilm into it " in leu tlian ten minnUa. 

Lord KuntouB dnrBCHTiL Ksa imt Gu^m LuMa or 
THnin-^Tho diittugniahL-d EDf^lish atateaUD, it ia cow oonfi- 
dently rojiorted, met tlie great Asialio potontAte, who happened to 
bo paying a lisit the other day to Moaoow in diaipiiae. An animated 
oanTersation ia aajd to have enaurd, in which the Irish qtieation, ia 
whioh tho Llama appenred to tako a liTelr intertat, the lort ReiMrt 
of tho London S.!hool Board, the overlana route to China, and the 
booking for the Drnry Lane I'antoniirae were eihauitivuly diieuiied. 
On hia l/inlehip promieing to aeonre tha Llanm a flood enRigement 
at the Westminater Aquarium in the event of hia ever paying a visit 
tv London, the latter nndertook to lettlethe littlo diiHuulty that haa 
rvoentty ariaen at Bikkim, and the meeting terminated on both lidea 
with an expri'saion of the moat cordial eentimRuta. 

LoHn K*sooLr(i CaDacim-L, Ann tub Kino op thb Cahbib*!. 
laiiHDS.— Ths ulever and enlirpriaing Tlritiih diplomatiat waa intro- 
dnmdto Hia Majesty yeiterday, and the interview ia said to have 
Wn in ert'ry way aatufaotory, the King, on the cnnoluaton nf the 
palaver, iniiatinK on inveating the diatingriiahnl atateaman in 
qneation with a ooUar of human notea. A commercial treaty, 

Kintinr reciprocal advantagea, inoludtng the right of natives to 
re the free run of the aoutiiern iihurps ul the lale ot Wight, where 
they ahall be at liberty to devour path uthtr. the local Coastguardi 
or other inkabitants. waa rapidly drawn up, and Lord KairDOLPH 
warmly eipreiscd hii aonlidenua that the rremier would aanulion 
ita tignatnro with uordial cnthuBiatia. 

Louu Itinnou'B CnuEciriix *(ir> rnit Prmibmt op tbb 
FKKHOa liKruiiufi.— It ia thoronghly nndrnloiid in well-informed 
oirelMthnt thii mnelingof tho briliinntfti-CaWnct Minister nod Pre- 
■ident Carhot haa led to the hanpiiiit rcmuItJi. An oHeniiive and 
defenaive alliance, thn cetaiiin of the Channel Itlanda, the nentralt- 
aatioD of Malta, and the evaouation of Rnypt are aaid to havo 
been the promiuent item" of a treaty whieh Mrd R«SDoLrH had no 
hmitation in assuring the Frunvh Government he couU get I<ord 
SauasDBT at any moment to aeorpt. Tboufh apeouJation on the 
mbjwtt is atill rite, tht> youthful Blat««niUL U wld to haTO eipreaied 
UauelL botJi pubUoly and privately In all ciiolea, with laoh 
thorough aaauranoo in roforcnoo to it, that no aurprlae la eipresaed 
on tho Boorso at tho oontinuwl downward tendency ot all lureiptn 
Bcouritiea. 
Lovb KairnoLrti Cituuciiii.L ard tbb Pops.— Hia HoUnuaa 
itwday Krantod an andienoe to tha jonng Engliah *tat«imas, and 



after an interview that, report aaya, laated five honra and a half, wm 
pleased to eipre»s himself as liigtily jtratified witli the resnlt. It !■ 
anderitood that a couple of Nnooioa will liirthwith be appointed to 
St. Jamea'a, and that a British repreMntHtive will be tent to the 
Vatican. It appears that Hi« Lordship assured in turn lacoeedively 
thirty-seven CMdinaJs, on whom lie subaegueutly oalltid, that if 
I.ord SAL1SBI7HT did Dot immediately " nee '' tho arrangement, on it 
being explained to him, ho would uodoit&ka to mnlu him do ta 
"in two twos," 

Lord Bikcolph Chuschhx jutd xant Sn*n.— The interviftw 
whioh was of a moat intereating ohatnctcr, oam« oiS to-day, Hia 
Majesty atipulating jiartly in bad French and partly through an 
interpreter, that, in consideration of his nndertaking oeitain 
ohligationi in regard to ICusaian action in Afph-tnistan, I.ord lUjr- 
Dou-a ahoiild open negotintiona with the Alhambra Company, 
limited, with a view to the dcpatoh of Iheir entire enrpt de balUi to 
Teheran by an early mail. It was alao nndoratood that in the crest 
of the SjJiH paying a visit to London in the cnnrso of n«it Tear, and 
there being some difHonJt.y ahont putting him up again at Dnnking- 
ham Palatie, his l.<ir<iBhip thould arrnnge to hire the Agrinnltural 
Kali or some othur suitable biiildiiig alTording the reauired ac- 
commodation for Hia Majwtyand liis attendant tuiU. Lord Ha »- 
DOLPH haricK received the Orand Crots of the Order of the Bins 
Eymna in paste, and assured Hia Majesty that It would be " all 
right" with T/>rd SaiisnnaT, who had given him mrlr W/jisrl* to 
act aa he thought best, then withdrew in boisterous epirits, and the 
interview, that bad been charaulpriscd throughout by a gnrat deal of 
good-humoured fiiuiinnye. abruptly termmaU'd. 

A subseijueiit rtpurt anuounues that His Lordship waa also about to 
viait the Chief Aruhtmandritr. the Kmpvror of Bkazil. tho King of 
the Bkloiaks, th« She ik-al- Islam, the Ki-Khodivo, UwDtOA, tho 
Ameer of Afobanutak, Prtnou Bixutuca. and the Sultaa of 
Morocco; and that, owing to his eauberant intellectoa! activity, 
and bonndleas oonfidence in hii ability to twiit the prtoent B -'"-■ 
Cabinet round hia little linger, the liveheit intereit waa already 

feated in the diplomatic outc-jme of tho various projected int^ 

the details of which will no douht be forthcoming in a later edition. 



BONNY DTODKEI 

iftw Vertiun, as stmg h>j Lord 8-l-li-T]f. 

Bki'orh thk RLKCnoir. 

To the Dundee Klootors onr General spoke ; 

**Br« the Qneen'a crown goes down I will strike a Kood stroke ; 

And let every man who loves Union and me. 

Poll for General lUi.T at Bonny Dundee. 

Then op with C<>ercicti, and down with the Plan I 

Let every true Voter do all that he oan : 

Send Firth to the right-about- f sue, and pnt me 

At the top of the pull, boys, in Bonny Dondee! " 

Aptbe Tint ZtKcnoK. 

Hurrahl Their majority's down by a foorthl 
There are Unionist!, OLAnnT, yon see, tn the North, 
More thui four thousand of them, my Oladdt, yon tM, 
Have followed onr Standard at Bonny Dundee. 
Than up with the Crimea Act, and down with the Plan I 
E'en the Soots urn deserting their own Grand Old Mao. 
Ah I tremble, false Rads, in yonr premature flee. 
Yon have not aesn the last ol my Tories and me. 



A LIBERAL UNIVEE8ITY APPOINTMKNT. 

Wk see that W. 8. LiLf.T, the Hniley- tackier in the ForUughlly 
Itrritut, haa been appointed by the Camhridge Senate one ol tae 
"Lightfoot" Exsminers. We do not wish to paint the LIU.T, tnt 
really he moat be a most acuumplished gentleman, nnleaa we mla- 
underatand the nature of his new dutiea. "Lightfoot ExaaiiiMr" 
must surely he a TerpBichorean Professor, who examinee thoae 
Undergraduates who are studying for the ballet aa a profcaaica. Or, 

EtrhapB Lightloul is a " dorangoment " of syllables, and it ought to 
e " Foutlight" Examiner, who would have Ut set the papera for 
such A. 1).C. Cantabs who may be thinking of noistg Oft the ^tagc. 
Will Qirlon follow suit, and niiiiDint Madame KiTTlt LAmU aa their 
nd ■' The Jersey Lilf" as the FooUifhl Pr>- 



Lightfoot Examiner, an 

fesaor V Clearly, atf pa in the right direction. 

by leapB and bounds nowadays. 



But we *re progreeiin^ 



AppEOPttiATE Slow i^)B a 3TKW TiVKRTt WI T H * GanXr'Room.— 
" Tha TndoT Honarehs 1— celebrated for Steaks and Chopa." 



pBonssoB HnxoitKR's OriBion op Ekolish Pictoual Axr,— 
' All ' Wauer,' "—that ia, it would be all the hatter if it ww«. 



KUBVABT S6, 188B.] 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAHIVARL 



69 



THE 'SLOQQER." 

'TwiR the TMM of the " Sloe^er." I hetrd him exflUim, 
"bthwenooiwin&isliLad^vho'aoleTer and eatneF" 

Ab the bun aromed, from 

hi* Uir ittHcins forth, 
So Iia threw ne hii head and 
' RDorted irittk wratb. 

"Jiut one big tnnmph 
more; thea to re«t at mr 
Uifnre. 

How happilv liyiof in 
ftutiitg snd plcamie 

I'd pMi «U my time, but 
I 'm now ftifocd to tt»ia. 

Why U'lapt me with (lat- 
tery, waod«, and cham- 
papieF" 

I jonmeyed b>' Windwr, 
and eav In hia mitt 

Btmt manner of man bow- 
ins down at hia feet : 

^ .'ir rij ]u: K-<>e9 a triumjihiU prooeiaion la made: 

"'I;]in.i,-ii HI train, not in traininit," eayal, " I'm afraid." 

I paid him a visit, for I tliouRht, "While loan. 
1 11 •ndMTDUr to He thli mont marrtllaua man." 
Ha told MS hu hopes, hia oipluiU in the liatr ; 
Aad thooiht a " puR " far b«tUr oS than a kin|-. 

I&Mi thoa(ht I. " Well, from this I a ffinnl oan gliian. 
'What that h«ru '» now, why might I not have hei\a f 
If mj paronta had trained me for combat, not olerkins, 
I 'd M UtiiliDg and f eaiting, not etarnng and working." 




A WOED IN SEASON. 
That Cmmra nrnniw, th« British Siilor'i Poet Laureate, slurald 
lack a, laitablp M^roiirial, that his mixlest and littlo-knuwn torn!), 
evon, thould be in ddD^pr of diBtnrbunue and doBocrntion. are thinjti 
ihamefal in tiieinselvt<a, and doubly diagraceful to a ooiintry whinh 
profcuiw at Inasf, likv the laii in b bod?, to " loTe a sailor." Evrry 
wind that blows would breathe tho shame abroad, did England allow 
it to b« p(!rpetuattd. But only "iubbera and swabi" could con- 
teBtedly oootemplate Euuh a scandal. 

" 8lni.'n ho dird iu hnnaur*! ealua> 
"IVo» all one to Jack," 

waa the cliaraoteriatio iwntiment of one of DiBBDi'e typioal tarn, 
a •entimenl which, like enough, Dihdik would have shared. But 'tia 
not all one to JOHJr, whether tho remains of hi» faTonril* Sea Singer 
are treated with honoar or dishonour. On Diaiits's (traTestone in 
the eemet^ry of St. Martin's, Pratt Street, are the following linea 
fMU hi* own o[t«n Btmg, eyer-appland^d " Torn BotoUng" !~ 

"Hitfona waaof tbs msulint beauty, 
Bia heart wat kind and uft ; 

Faithful below he did hia d^itT, 
kai DOW br'ig^no alcA." 

Tm, Csakus DlBDnt " did hia duty," in a faahion that laid lea- 
(irt Kngland nnder an eternal obligation. Now let England do bora I 



BKVEN HONDRED A TEAR. 

A Ballade for Ik', IIi:iiUali'V} Eachilar. 

Would yon ride in trim Eansomi, and go to the ttallit, 

Give yoar nicy little dinners, indulifo in champagne, 
Aocopt all vour inYites; show at cniahes and balla. 

In the Mt/mino PotCi oolomns perhnjis >en yonr namef 
Would yoo Mend* with the otyio of ynur mtwige impre»e, 

K»fl) a good aet about yiiu. hoar ppoplo mlmit, 
That vour wife ia a woman who know* how to dreii, 

And conjtoture aho costs yon an nverajre bit? 
Ton may loauuiro this somrtiow I lint thia ia quite clear, 

That you won't do it on fitven hundred a ytar .' 

Bnt ibould yon to fair Tooting, or Hackney, or Bow, 

Stwr your oomw and ftvi>id all S-joiety's rooks; — 
The gay oninibas nue, and the thsatro but know, 

Aa revealed fr>>m the gloom of thu mild upptir box : 
Not mind tho cold mutton, fret your dothpa r^ady nude, 

Go to MarflMe in June when yon ynarn for the tea, 
AndregaWaU eoeh friends as yonr hoiuehold inTade, 

In tho limit* afforded by fivn o'clock tea r 
Too nav plunge 1 Take a wife : face the goal without fear t 

100*11 Mi £ail-^ you boaat Strtn Inmdrtd a j/tar • 



PLAY-TIME. 

Thb axe, the hatnhet. and Uie pnudng-knife bavs been at wtirk at 
the Ha^market, and PttrttMri — 
oar advice, be it remembered, waa 

Change Fartnera "— haa been 



improved, aa we are informed. 




Quite FolL 



irmea, ,/r 
abncat ofi the faoe of the earth. K' 
Hr. QaaiiAK-CHXiHTvis-TKEa - 
boa been rcdnoed to a shrub, a 
ram ehrab, and as the other 
part* gain by hia loae, an audi- 
ence haa no longer to accept "tho 
[lart for the whole," and »o may 
lind more vnrictT in tho entcc- 
Ininm'jQt than therw wa* before. 
liut when ali 'e aaid and done — 
and of oonrae ther« ii even leM 
aaid and done than at &ni~Parburs «an aant be a good play, and 
there '* an end of it. , , 

Evidently there ai« Boma Hanagvra who ar« to 'nnbU aa to take 
critical elaahing ohe«rfiiUr, and profit hr the p«M)**t, Withw the 
laat two montha JVonAraatein and Piirbiert war* alaahad— a aMabad 
doublet— and atraightway the Managnra bowed to anpenor iodgwant, 
made aome alt*ratlona. and then by jodicio^sly letting the pritioe 
know that their invaluable suegeetioos had been adopted— highly 
flattering , this to the Critical Faculty — the artote ^Dager* 
obtained, and justly obtained, acicond ttotiuca. iu which tOS atma 
oritioa, self- constituted for the oootwirin aji a 0.«irt ol Appett], vpaat 
their first Verdict. After thin, who shall lav Ihat 'Ihcfttncal 
Critioiam la not benofioial ¥ Only it rather unsettits the faith of tlw 
pnblic in thrir guidee, if one day they read that a picoo ia "in- 
triarieally bad," and that " the sooner it ia off tho stacc the better, 
and then within the ne»t three weeki they hear of the aame piece 
that "it has now hwtn worked up, and gws capitally," or "oon- 
■iderable alterations have been made, and th-j pieeo, a» now repro- 
•ented. i> likciy to have a long run." Whv not do away with 
prtmirrti alliignlher, cioept for tho critioe, who, each indiviaoally, 
deliv*r hi» written judgment a» to whether the piece wai a diah to 
\m art befons King Publin or not, and if not. what alt«T*tiooa weald 
maka it to? Ihon criticism mipht do some gftMl. The pr»mifr4 
should be board in eam'ni, anil onn wcuk at leait thonid elapea 
iief'TB it waa brouifht before the fiuprflrao Court of Final ApptaL 
tha Publin. There are a great many objeotiona to thia plan, which I 
hare nut time nor apace to couiider n>>w. 

Mr. TooLB r«-appearnd on Saturday. There wat joy in 
King William Btreet when "Jonimn came marobiog home," — 
although perhaps a trilla halting— " iJot and go ono "— aflor hia 
noTere attack. Never mind an occaeional halt, aV Icmg aa ho atopi 
where he ii. and is as dr^ill as ever. _ ^ 

1 paid a second visit to Ariaae, and aee no reaiOS for Dodiffiat 
in the slightest degree the favourable opinion I ezpreawd lait waek. 
I have seen it atigmatised a* an " immoral play." A play ii not 
immoral unless in some way or other it makea vice attractive. Had 
thti dialogue in this piece been as brilliant aa that of the ScAo»l/tir 
Svin/hi!. and had the death of the husband set Ariiinr free to wautj 
tho would-be co-respondent, andlivc'happilyeverafler, then, indeed, 
the piece would have h*ien justly at^icd immoral." A» it i«, how- 
ever, the wretehod set of ilrajaatis prriona: load a miatrable ei- 
ittence, and two of tbera pome to a wretched end. I thould like 
Mrs, CaJiFJiBt.t Piusn to omit two abort speeches, of wliich one ia in 
qnestionablo ta*te and abwlutely onneoeasary. 1 should alao like 
Ariane to "die and wake no sign." Her last words are, 1 admit, 
ccnsijilent with the oharaot«r of her life, but here, I cnntend, that 
ailunoe would indeed have been golden. I^tme recommend everyone 
to aeo TAf Ticket of Leave Man. at the Olympic- ctit for tho sake of 
tho acting genenilly, butot Mr. WiLLiRTi particularly. Hia diiguise 
and his assumption of character in the Second Act are admirable, 
Mia. SiEPHKKB ii as old and aa good aa ever— not a day older — and 
Mr, KuKULKir Y«te.i makes the most of that highly ahnird and 
old-fashioned oomin character Green Jonei, in fact makaa him a v«i7 
bright Ortert Jonu. 

Scoonnra of a Chll.— Some of the Mombera who have bwn 
entertained at the expense of the oonntry seem to be aaxiona to 
appoar in the Honae of Commons in prison oostumo. The idea waa 
anticipated tome time aince in the atroet*, where landwioh men were 
emplnad ta adrartiae certain pieoei by apftearnui In tho garb irf 
oonTima, Ihoa tlia notion in not new. Beauaa wm. will uay not 
be nupeoted of dnwing the long-bow whan they begin to ipeak, iI 
they are f oond wearing nurka of tha broad-amw t 



HmoucaL.— When waa Engknd a real Spoftiag Country P— 
When the oatira Nation had one great Bet on the thneo. 



90 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FSBKUABT 25, 1838. 



gi^p4^^ 




TWO FAMOUS TRYSTING-SPOTS. 

CiitoxKL Sib Talbtt Iboxbiois (ok the Scotch Blobs) and Yoiritit SsauiLo SritoHQi'TaUHM (or tkb Lir« Gua&ds Ob>t) 

AMt TOR TWO I'lScn UKH IH LO.I^OH, ASD AX BtTOa AKB VUIBLI A LOKO WAT OFF: SO THAT, I\ (.-KOWHItO DlI.L-llOOU*, YOVRO 
PlOPLIt BAVR OOT IKTO A WA( O? UAElfn D*E O' TKKV, SATIHCl TO BAGS OtaiB, AS TUS CASK MAT BO — " MKKF MX AT SiR TALBOT 

poB T8I lt[»in.Ayi> SoHomsoHBl" Oft 'Be at RmaiM STBOKorTu'AHu at a Qdabtsb paat Twuva, add 1 wiu. coxb akd taui 

TO? DOWN I'U SUITEK." JCC, JeO. 



"SUCH GOOD BOYS!" 

Os, plouo. Sir! Ob, don't, Sirt Yun will not want Ihat, Sir, 
That naaly new biroh hunft np there on the walL 

Lot ! Ton might u well thre»tec poor bays with the " C»t," Sir. 
We r« lur^ that t.hia half fim wan't need it at all. 

Wa meui to ba Kocd, oh, we do. Sir, indeed I 

Keep it up, keep it up, uid we 're bound to mcoeed I 

So n«a;btTlut term? Well, wefe«r that we w>re, Sir. 

The tulu, Sir, you »eo, were ao thiimh-rinij etiff. 
Ah. jtt, we did. ioine of iw, Sir, pky th* hear. Sir, 

Tli« Btuehty [>«t-«hoot«r, the Dutv t\y whiJTF 
Quitu troe ', but thia half we ih&tl all be &11 right. 

Now then, ;on Tonog fool, k««p Ui&t aqnirt ont of aight ! 

YoQ "w, Sir. lut term. Sir, the MaatetB were new, Sir : 

W* hadn't g9t need to 'em. Sir, that 's n fnot. 
Took Mghta at yonrtclf »n the aly. Sir I* Too (lUB, Sir. 

(No UW to dany it when csufiht in the act) 
Bnt o«Ter anin. Sir, will I " nnt a anook," 

TSo-m then, Caism. pnt on a pleasanter look I 

It wiuta't mt. Sir, aa I told you lut t«rm, Sir. 

'TwM— well, never mind, for a ftUow can't aneak ; 
Bnt, whon a ohap 'a wrongtnlly oharRcd— w«ll, a worm. Sir, 

WiU turn. Sir. at thaL Sat 1 do fee! in meek. 
So mild, ao magnanimona, somohoir, ihU half 1 



Now then, atoah that Erin, or ho 'U think it 'a all ohafl 

JVn ke«p them in order, Sir I Wall, Sir, I tried, Sir, 
But nutliioK lih« what I will try, Sir, thU tim«. 



1 're got all the beet biseeat boya m mv aide^ Sir. 

There's H0U.KI and niacocHT, Slrl Oh, Sir. it'a primo, 
Why eren Pabhell, here, means working like fnn. 

{,Atidt.) 
Book ap, or he'll twi|r Ton u aare as a ^n I; 

We're all (imply longing for lessonfi. Sir, yea. Sir, 
Juat iid't we, tii>w, CaiRUK? Wb'U work, day anl Bight, 

Anil if. Sir, yon Maatera should get in a mess. Sir, 
We'll labour like uiingera t*} p\it the thioy* ripht. 

For oh. Sir I we <ia tike tuoh pride in the School I 
lAiuU.) 

Don't aoowl, or yon '11 crab the whole thing, yon yoong fool I 

The old rod worn out? Oh, now come, don't aar that. Sir. 

There '5 lot> of it left, all you 'II wan't, Sir, 1 m auro. 
A Master so nice in that seat never ut. Sir. 

[He grim like a plump Cheihire Cat, the old OlU«I] 
We'll lelp TOO to make it a rare term allronnd. 

H«'1I say ao before we have done, 1 11 be bonnd '. 
Don't take down that biroh ; it 'a as big as a broom, Btr ; 

DiHRraoe to the Sohool to require Buuh a thinK- 
Perhaps for improvement there may be some rodca. Sir ; 

But all thu bid biivB. Sir, last half had thvir lling. 
Kow, Paddies and all, we mean being to good I 

Una..) 
Bnt don't holloa, old boy, till you're out of the Wood 1 



Tm St. Mukttstct of Touks.— The "Grand Tout" niod (o ba 
oonsidared indispensable as tho finish of polite ednoatJon. It ia 
tHIuallv Yalitahle nowadays, and raw yuune I&ds hare oiDlf to be 
bandaa over to a Cook, and after one good turn they'll befit for 
any table. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL— Februabt J6, 1S8S. 




4 



4 



JW/»"i( Ji 



it 



SUCH GOOD BOYS!" 



4 



Mabicb Ouiwrmre. "0 PLKA8B, SIB. DOST. SIE! TOU -ffOXT WAST TO D3B TffAT, SIB. WE'BB OOISO 

TO BB 5t"Ci? GOOD BOTS THIS • HALF Ml" 




Feucakt 36, 18S8.J 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAWVAHL 



PUNCH TO JOSEPH, 
lAir—OlmiMit.) 

Job Chuibebuu, mj Joi, Sir, 

Wheo firrt (i<r«y 700 went, 
I.cqd croakMl the ptrtj mtm. 

With KnUtcr conttnt, 
Bal now tlia dwd-look '■ mtt— 

At iMatron tall SI u— 
Bads-mo, tlwr hanUr U«« yon 
tune. 

Jot CuvsEBunr, my Job ! 

Job CaiMjiKKU», my lor.. Sir, 

W« yet in»y mMt limgh wcatlur ; 
Th«i qneetion 18, I fear, JOB, 

Not settled altogetlior. 
Bat Canada wid Jons, Jor. 

Frii nd", hiiud lu hand, Bhoold go. 
Fix th»t, J'll lilesa jon mijhow, 

Job CaAMBBBLAiy, my Job, 



Kbk. Toa. " The Cbcrch aitd 
8140K Orii-n,"— Should nTrmpIc of 
the Drama be «r«Rt<d in Londnn, the 
E«T. SrKtt-AicT IlKitDLAit, who hai 
alvays tikeit to kindly dd interest ia 
Ih? ^'aRc.outcht to be elected as one of 
tha Muiar Caoona of Dramatic Art. 



Appropbiatr. — When there'* 
asuthcr change, Ut Mr. Sbxtok be 
member ior Bury. 




/7^ -^ei/c^i^ ^^ /U^6/i*^ 7^ ^z^^e/s >X /^ 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

Tbb Sixth kod Utt Tolame of Lady Bcbtoh's Inxarionsly bound 
•dittML of her hnsband's Arahi-M NijhU, prepared for hnusehnld 
TMdiac b^ JmrtDT HcCabt&t. H.P., hu now appeared. Sir Rich- 
ABS'b editioal i« the " Strung Burton" not for liuuw}hold oonsump- 
tioB; irttile the Lady IfAsxL'g is " Burton drAwa mild," pure in 



CMnec^ 




quality utd dear •« unclouded smber. The "Tennlnal Bisay," 
vkieh bei&e njiadult«T)tt«d Burton treble, or rather Bauo-profundo, 
muat haT* Bide Hy Lady Hhudd'.T and JrsriN McCakthi ulear his 
(Um, ii e>{>eoially inlvrcstiiii;. diBUuatinjt as it dovi the date and 
ori(in of the Telee, and Kivinit a panrfryriu on Al-I>Um which will 
kffurd Canon Isa AC-T,iiLOR~the eculBslastiital Sartor Ketartut— 
Hfltnllllj IDolined. eoms cviusldtratild iiiiiiitht into MohammfllBniiitn, 
wUch may be of use tu him nt the next English t'iiitrtlt CucKrcu, 
B. E. Cardinal HAnioiia will bt> pleucd U> dnd th*t Houauuki), 
Wide* abuliiibinK thu □» of wino and denuanoiog ambling, wa( 
•• Uie ilrrt to e»t«blish a poor-ralo." 

In tlw SsMod Votome of the Hmry Irviaf Shakuprar*, Mr. 
Fujn MAWAtL baa " warbled hie toot-not**," not " wild." and 
Wttainly BCA "iMue," bat carof nlly omindmid, and mnHt welcome 
to Uw vitiMl atiid^ and to the unimtnictrd cun^l r«adldr. Of 
tbcM ]u(c0 I prefer t^>e on the historiool plaji ia this Toluno to 
tbcM on the ('umcdiM, unonr wbieh kttor ia to be nokcoidt MOtffdiiiK 
to Hi. Fkaxk UAuiKAij^who it ahnyB nott fruit— n* iWmf 



<(f Ikt Shnie, a work that in the opinion of " ¥. K. the Duke," it 
nut "an ontra^eoas faroa." lan't it? B«ad the " buaineu" of the 
BOcDB, and then inueine all that must be dune on the Btage beiidaa 
what is set dawn, lu aotion it ia a roaKh- and -tumble furoe, which 
no duubt a oi>nuderable portion of a snle«nth oontnry aadi«no^ 
a«otutumed to baar-^hta and bmtcditioa, were quite oapablo ta 
apprKjiatinif. 

" F. K." tormii the roportoe between Fttmekio and Kalt. Act iL 
S(i. 1, " brighl and IiTtily." Well, perhap* it WM to oouitUmd ia 
ShakfiKtahan and Jonionian [not JohnJOnltll) 
days, when punning was a tantiion ; bot at 
the present time sncrh word-playing would 
be as dull to a ninetoeiith century nndienoa 
as would be tho horse-play, (xeijpt when in- 
trodaned in its Ipgitiroftte iilace, a panlomime. 
As B. comment on Mr. Habkhau.'* opinion, 
two-thirds of the line* in tbii scene are 
marked (in this edition) ae to b« adran- 
tageously omitted in repreeastlttn. The 

Slay is faroioal, with the exwptlOB of 
^alhfrinr'i epewh In the laat Act; bat 
perhaps it waa altogether quite up to the 
mark uf th« enlightvncd audipDce for whom 
It waa intvud«l, uamcty. Sly ihr Cobblir, 
who drops (iff to sleep durinn ths vury llrst 
wtuv. waki^B lip once, and ii then " in the arm* of Porpna " till th* 
conulustuu uf the play, when he ia lupposcd to bo taken away and 
put to bed. 

Mr. UoKDon Bbowkk's illnstratiDni have the (treat merit of 
belsK dramatic, and uutheatriooL The Dance ot Clowna in tfaa 
Mvltummer NighCt Dream is oonoeiTed ta a truly humorona 

Kpirit, F. M.'i notes to llichard the Sernnd—it play full of 
Btriki^iffly beautiful pojgoges— are Moelleut, eipenially the one OD 
thu awfully tragiu Keae of the dooth of O'rdinal iJmiu/.irf, who, as 
a matter ot hiitoricol font, made a truly Christian end. Ttnt gtmio* 
ia above hiitory, and such stubborn thingn as facts mu>t bn kicked 
out of lbs way fi>r genins to have its true course, if fituxsi-KABB 
hod faiiitii:ed a grand dramatic eSect t^i plain nnad'imed trtilh. the 
world would have been deprived of tliis groat Bwne ia RirharJ IJm 
Src-ind, On«e morii oar oongratulatioDR It the traokcet ol FsaiTE 
Mamhauj for Volume Two. " We 'rn a gettiog 011." quoth, atill 
at yoor Nrrioe, Thr Bakom db Boos Wobub, 




Balmdng hli back. 



PcxBLT pBoranroVAi.— After an optioal ezaminatioa by Mr. 
AvniBBOir CurcHrm. who is ifr. Puneh't own ■' Member for Byo." 
a military patiect wd encount^ired in the street by a marj friend, 
who adnd what " the Cjiitchett on the hearth " had HJidtO moke 
him look (o cheerful. The (Jolonel replied, "My boy, he aimply 
nid, ' Eyw Bight 1 '_ March«ni! " 



94 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKL 



[FiBBUABi 36, ISdS. 



* 




A DEFINITION. 

( yirginibui putrUqut. ) 
"Wirr, Tout, tou toox likk a Cnmttcii ! " "What ba Cazatml' 

"Ob— A CUXUL'B U A— A — A BOBX OT CONVEBTKD CDI'ID t " 



" It yna iaileed," admitted the 8t«t«»nui, koA then 
he pondered once mrjre, kaittici; his bnxrs and hniTintr 
himMli in deep lionght, iJwp thou^htl Th» mj 
' epesti 

"And ]r«n toU nwtlutttiB fntaai year ado|>tM ooontrr 
depradi upi>n my deoiiion Y" h» uked, At Iragtb. 

" It dnea indoed," wu tlie replj;. 

"You wf thftt the ether rids will bcfI sive iaf" 

An kfBrmative wu K4r»i° the tniwar. 

" Eureki I " the P««««roaker cried, tdtur ■ p«nM ; " I 
hftT* it ! If the Govommrnt of the United SUtea will 
not ictve ID. then la bat one wat oat of the diSLenlty. If 
tfi^y won't Kive in, yuu mutt ! 

And handintr th» RepreeentatiTe ahd»d orohtd u • 
m«iiiHDto ol his Tiiit, the Stateam&D wiped tiw tMn from 
his eyegUM uid eUrtad lor Europe I 



COMING TO THE POINT. 

Palmam qui meruit feral ! Of oonree 
Th«t mixim, when read with the ciattoin tfaftt 'a ptopcr. 

Appliee with eioeptioa*! force to the Koroe. 

Puni-h h«B oilen to cry " gwA u gold ii the ' Copper,' " 
Bnt when his peculinr metal epcmi " hrnsi," 

And when he iodulges in lic^s And fcnl lingo. 
And ahoiri ho'i a hulir a8 well as >n ase. 

The Public if«t« donUf nl. and Punth oriel DulingM ! 
An Knd«cott ii not for ever a joy 

(Thou|;h cooky might d«om biraa troeUiingof beaotyV 
And thoiiirh Waki<k\ swcttra, "I bulJeTS TOO, By Dlot," 

Unqneationinjt tttilh ii not Punrh'n Mile duty. 
Hii lousiness is into the truth to iaiiaire. 

Remember one thing— it will spire muoh dItaJt«r — 
That ia, your Polioemiu ia rather like fire — 

" A very good aerrant, but wry bad maater I '' 



SOMETHING FISHYI 

[Thi Slory of a (frfoC Su«tK.) 

Tai Statesman lat in his atndy pondering over the diffloalt problem, the 
lolation of which had been the eause of hii expatriation. 

■'Wbatkhallldo?" be aaked himieU. " 1 oannot diiaffree with both, and 1 
refnae to agree with neither. What ahall I do F " 

He looked at hia ([1*m, crowded with oardi of iavitation U> banquets. " They 
are all over," he mufniurtd. " My taik ia done! Not one left I and bfre nm I 
alone I Rore am I. with my leat in the Huuee vaoaat, fur am I not far away, 
and unable to 111! it?" 

Tliin he touehed a bell, and requested that the Bepreaentatife of the Dominion 
ahould be brought before him. The lUtpresectative, ubwlieut to hii call, appeared. 

" Hy good friend," laid the Statesman, clasping the other's hand, "you 
know how I ti^l for you, how anxious I am to svrvt- yott, how I would, theoreti- 
oallv. aacrilliSH Ihi- last dri'ii of my life'ri blood lo protect your intereeU. 

lliB K..-prtii«ntatiT« wiped away a t«ar. It w»« rery tuuohing I PainfoUy 
toothing \ 

" Best and brarest of men I " eielaimed the Repreaebtative, when he had 
mnjtenjd his emotion. "We know your value. We weloomnl yon ai the 
defender of oor liberties. We regard you aa the aweet plcdjc of afltotion sent 
to tu by the dear Mother Country, whioh aholl bind un to her with bands of stceL" 

"Najr," laid the Stnteiraan, gently, "do not ipeak of iteel— bruB ia more 
appropnate. And now lot me hear vou nrgo jonr oaie once more." 

Then the lUpreaentAtive repealed the argnments that hod already been pro- 
dneed. Ho ihowd dineluiiTcly that it was a matter of life and death that the 
Ucnciaion ihoald not give In— that the fatore of a mighty people dspended npon 
a firm front and victory. 

" Your eliiqiienoo onmtuu me," cried the Statoimin. " All yon say icenu to 
tnie, BO very true." 

" It is indeed," wu the rejoinder. " Ah, It wu t hWT hour for na when 

Em were eboien for onr arbftrator. Wo know tiist ^rerybod^ wanted you in 
Dgland ; that all our fellow-anbjeota beyond the MM puted with you with the 
■Teatwt ttlttottnoe : that evcrT moment of your abaenoe wu gruditcd to ual 
Ofa, it WU kind, go-jd, unaelliah uf the dear Motber Country to ipare you— to 
allow jm to oome to u* ; " 



"AGAIN, WE COME TO THEE, SAVOY I" 

A SSIOHT little Operetta, called Sfra. JarramMf§ Gmie, 
the mnslo by the Brothen Cklmru, hu been added to 
the programme of the Savoy with good resnlte. The 
plot u not very nnvel, and strongly snggnst* one of the 
belt of the OEB.ttur Rrrh's Entertainments. The. TiuUmi 
PuzzJc ; but for all that the tride is amn<iing. Perhaps 
the best Beted charooter in the Operetta is Bm-Zak-Lnn, 
a part which seems to tnit Mr. .Tonii Wii-eikmx down 
to the gronnd.orrather under it, ae theO«tt*>uaiq>poaed 
to have hail a riae in atatii>n when he beeUM eauiMted 
with the Jarramie honaebold. Hia ptHoai mtpa wh 
mMt amusing, and, af t>.tr a aonf dMOnptive of m Mrik- 
m«ntary career, hia exit, althooA nUtStly modolled on 
"the Teapot ShuIRe" of Tea^Cop'and'floroerer Oxot- 
surra, was deeidedly funny. 

The Operetta ia a trifle light aa air, bnt quite eoffl- 
eient to miae llie wind, and gtVH that extra puff to the 
aaila of H.M.S. Pi>ut/(ir«, Tefitt«d. and thorougbly iea- 
worthy, that iJ, well worth seeinj^, of whiob Captain 
DOtlt Cabtb evidently thonxhl the good old ahip 
—{"Good Old Ship" Buggesta Itnghton, aUO BAOMTand 
SlIAgsriAiiE ;)— atood in need- Annther ««iaoB wUl pro- 
bably eUpie before a new vfisel is latinohed tnm the 
dockyard of the Oilburt and Salliraa work*. 



"LSa BEFO&B WICKET." 

"... WhcUinr any undue nJiiintngi! ruin wxth the 
or witli thii biiwlet umliinlir ciiBliojilniiii nf rricket, and, Uet* 
what iCepi ahould be token Co nmody tlui detecL" 




Dr. Punchhutcnt tosuEiceat anabTloa«*'remeJy.' 



FttiiiL-juiT 25, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



95 



CUit/Ju-l- 




iACTiElD'iJrF<6ri 



[" laueued ftdlitlM «rt cnw provided 
HavM ^ Cmamanty Monday Night, F^A. 1^.— Met Fa km ell j ant 
bafor« Hmw met, croMing r>ila(v Vnrd, ololb«l. and in hii njtlit nam». 
"Toar," uid M, "I wtntyour advioo. We're (tobff, yna know. 
io raJM fMctioa of Priviltge thii afttroooD. Shoald be c JTcctiTolf 
dMM, or Uft kloM. Httn to get aa Enitluh Member to oppn flrn. 
"Whonhill it be? Wtnt noiuebody the very eight of whom will 
■tnke I<TTOT into the breeet of the brave BALFOtru Md moke Shitii 
■hivOT in fail thoM. Want tliekinrl ol maa who, if he ODlyetooduii. 
IoUmIIui •nu, framed on MiQiHU-rH, and Mt dona again, would 
omtIt frttbteii life oat of them. Yuu rttmcmticr Don Dieoo Perzs, 
bow, ftt the (i^ of Xeree, be loet hu mrurd, but BubieiiUAiltlr made 
fiMter h*TOo with an olive-hrauoh hn (>iokiid up ? 

IiOod. loud be bigv fail bu^io, urn troubUd VM bU pyi\ 
Bat by SoJ'n tltaci'. U-tatr liU r«iw, there Mood » trm ftill bij[h, 
An oliT* trw with btanihrs itrDDK. cIcw) bjr tbs wall of Xen*, 
*Tan(00dl]r bau;jb will tcrrit. 1 trow,' ijuulh l)oN iJixoo I'lRKi!. 

Wbo ihkll be ODi Doit Diego Feses f " 






:!l:ii,:iii;',ii> 



for I*dit« (linint, Ac, with Urmbin.**] 
"TryPlCToN/'IiMd. 

"Fmo> of L(aMat«Tl"oriedPAniriLL,Afltiiihofplouare naming 

on bin pallid brow. "The very mun." 

So it wa« eettled. QtiMtionn over, Picion row and dpnonnoed m it 
breach of Privilege conduct of Folioe io arwating PitiKH O'Bbcks on 
Friday, thinking they had gratptd Oii.nooi.T. Motion eetwndod by 
that othei IJeree Parliament* ly Maraad**, W^Lrm UcI.Aitsn' 
Paxkell and lii> mttrry lutii mi'anirliilH, " lay .ow and laid nufllii. 
Tautiua anavrornd adminibly. MiniHlvrialini Daralvted. HoiD 
Hecrbtast. CD behalf uf (iuvernrnpnt, faltered eiplaDatioD and 
apology. Old Murolity. darlivr in tittiiig, bad b(*en KnpplMl with 
br BU-DLAcan. who pcrtiuaoioudy waLt* U> koow ubuul Mitaia 
Oheqiuii said to bavs passtd betwtvn the Markiaa and OU Psms. 
tW DOW alUck ooniplvtM )iruBtriitiuu. Couldn't Iiav« ponooed 00 ft 
tlj if it bait utUt'd oil Ills uuse. 

Kvurytbinir Ruini; uu iLitmirDMy till Henbt Jambs lotorptted aod 
changed aapcct uf aildrs. tjo cany not to bavu said anitUnct 




96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



(Fkbbdart 26, 1888. 



Uiftht hava jadioiotuly tUyed tv/Aj, u RisiixaTOM did. But 
tbero h« was, and miut noeds (lome lu oaaiatanGo of liia fri^uds, tile 
viotimi of Parnell'b But^cseeslul Btratt^Ky. Thii brouslit down npun 
him a persouat'c more irrathful «tpii than Dun Dieqo Pictok. 
BoaioeBH before Houou precisely of that petti (o^itiufl; nharaotcr to 

Btir the liiBfrat depths 
of 0. O. M.'s nattire. 
Quite dBti|{«roiiB to eU 
near him as diBcuatian 
went on. Leaned ex- 
citedly over Joan Mob- 

LKI to talk to CHJRI.E8 

RuwELL, PerBiitently 

Sked mnsBtve chest of 
mcouiiT on other 
■ide, aa he laid down 
the law. Once, when 
his head tnrned other 
way, Habcocibt tried 
ti> eBonpa onder pre- 
t«noe Di retarnins hoi- 
rowid TolumB of ITan- 
tard. G. 0, M. not to 
be done that way. 
Tamed roand with 
Ui^btnini; epeed. acized 
Goat-tails of reljeatiag 
Gtatesm&D, polled him 
back on b«nRh. Fin&Uy rate to polveriM Henut Juies. What 
a jllmioiiB trn minntea he had; his ejes tla^hiD^ fire, hia fiitare 
trenihlio([ with indiftnation. hia voice breakiEg through the toils of 
Weii3cne*5. and his right hand passionaltly smitire the palm of the 
left, as if he hjd UtfraJly trot hia old coUeaftua in ChBnwry, and was 
making Ihe most of tho opportnnity. PAaKKU. linked on wilh 
minitled admiration and dis appointment. 

" PicTOB 's ¥*ry well," he Baid, " but thii thonid have been out 
Don DiBOo." Buiinfif diinf. — Privilege Debate. 

7W>ifriy.—P(!TKR0'ItKiRK. yesterday a hero, to-d*7 a diaregarded 
nooantity. If Memhera anoidcntally'catehhis eye, they wonder why 




Bradlauih " vanta to kooir." 



be i* not In pritt'in and ont of the way. 
" I think,*^" aaid ~ 



WiLi'HiD Lawsos to Jot>Ei-H OiLLis. " there waa 
a little loo iniioh f nsa about it. As Bii-FOtrB aay«, when an Irinb 
Metnlier ia to tie arreated what matter whether it happens ti> be 
OiLHOOLT or O' BniKH f In these days, when we are hardly rid of 
the SHAKBrBABK-BiOOH onntroTeray, it is a little hard to have a 
Gii.hoolv-0'Bhibs debate." 

"I don't know rauoh abont Shakspbabx," aaid JoBr B., with 
engscinjl frankneu; "bnt aa to baoon I 'm oh r«rur«. a* they aay 
tX Parry. I dou't lee what it'i cot to do. with the arreat of 
O'Bbiei." 

TSXTBLTAX rraumed debate on Address ; brooirht np'SvuvvxMon, 
who had roal ireud tioie for apace of an boar. tV^a^u't a hrad peeped 
oot anywhtro from beneath thfi tenti of the enemy oppotite, but— 
Wbirnio I — the Colijn&l'a ahillelagh came down on it. Glaostoite 
dftooing mad on Front Opjiosition Bench. Paruellitta worked up to 
condition that made them oapable of aomethinit like a howl ; laint 
ooho of habitnde before daya of regeneration, hot atill enoournging 
and hopeful for the future. T. W. RcgSEU. att«ini>ted to give 
aeriona aspect to oonvcraation by delivering oareluUr preparisl 
addreai, very jrood oE iti sort ; amote the Pametlites hip and tbi^h, 
hot oooaaionnlly turned round and gave a aliglit rup at QoTernmont. 

" EnssKLL," said Datib Pi-cmkkt, whom every one ia glad to see 
back in renewed health, " reminds one of a phrasn they have in the 
North of England. When a man has had a drop too muoh and goes 
railing home, they say he ' haa buaineiis en hiitii aides of the road.' 
Btiati^i.L, stag|):ering along under the weight of hia argument and his 
adwxiBoy, may be said to have bnsiueas on both sides of the House." 

Butiimu ilim#.— More debate on Pakhxll's Amendment to Addreaa. 

Aih Wfi!nfS'laij, io didn't meet till Two o'Clook, houra of sitting 
being thue nduoed to four. Ellis (J. E.) and KDFa-HaKUAit appro- 
priated between them two hours and a half. 

" A lillle long, weren't yon?" Asrbs-Dopolas hinted. 

"Longer than nauil, perhapa," aaid Kino-Haruav. "But now 
I 'm Kuinff t> hare a aatary, 1 shall have to ahow 1 earn it." 

litiiurat GLADaTONB agreeably astoniahtd House by capital apeeoh, 
admirAbly delivered. Been ahitt up during recent years on Troiaury 
Bench, but hoa praetiaod in the country, and suddenly blosaomed 
into expori^noed debater. Something to «ay, ond aaid it well, with 
frM gaaturei and fine voice. Young Si'avfoiid Kokthcutb, paaaing 
out behind Spi^oker's Chair, pauaed and atared in amazement. He 
■ad HsKBiiKT had itarted Parliametitary lifn together. Their maiden 
■PMOhe* (telivered on sam? evening from oppotile aidea of Rouao, 
mth diattniuiEhecl and delighted fathers, aponge in hand, rendy to 
live eanb a Knro after tho final ronnd. 

"And now," aaid young NoBiHCont, "he'i commandiaj the 




Tbinkiug of the Bo'aun. 



listening Senate, and I 'm not evea a Surveyor-OtoenJ of the 
Ordn&noe." Suainen done. — More debate on Addrea*. 

TAur$da]f.~0'Siiisti just finished his three months of Bauotm at 
Toll atn ore. To-night Balpodb haa 
hour and forty minuttq of O'Bhies at 
Westminster. Difilault to aay which 
the harder to bear. O'Bbikk in in- 
nenduas force. At last 
"faoo to face" with hia 
gaolor^ the pent-ap egooy 
and indignation of three 
months rushed downward 
like a oataroot ; boilinfr with 
pasaion ; always aeeming on 
verge of being carried away 
by iU force ; alwaya pollfd 
up in time, lowered hia Toioe 
to whisper, dnmped his 
oleneud fist, 
and tnrned 
■aide with slow 
HMeoh to some 
auh point. 
"Aotfaur.'^lhe 

A TTOBHKI- 

GEKKKAt hint- 
ed it waa. If 
M, or anyhow, 
it waa aaperb. 
AXTHUB i)al- 
FODX made 
gallant effort 
, , to smile his 

way through the turrent. but, as Josips Gii.i.ts observed, the smile 

wiM ralher " ga»hly." House, wilh iti appetite whttled, wanted the 

fiuiahing lunch given to the dtamn by BiLPot;K rising to reply. 

But, on the whole, ho thought he would wait, and crowded aaacmblj 

broke np. 
HAKCuuttT alfeeted almost to tears. " Come, GoR<tT," 

he aaid to the Uuder-Secrttary lor India, aitliog on 

the Treasury Bench studying new Rules oi Procedure 

juat out, " you must admit that that was u Hue touch 

in the last senleoee, where he lifted np hia voioe, 

and bleaeed Balfoub and his policy." 

" Tee," taid OoasT. " Raminda me of one 

of Uabrtat's sloriea — PeCtr Simple, I 

think ; or is it PtreitaS KeanT Anyhow, 

there is an angry but converted Bo'san in 

the piece. Cscd to swear terribly. Seeing 

the error of his ways, now, when he wauU 

to adjure anyone who .has oSended him, he 

always begina with ' Bless your lovely eyes,' 

and goes on to wish him every happinssB. 

Somehow thought of the Bo'sun when, juat 

now, O'BiiIBS. wilh nplifted hand, and 

through clenched teeth, blessed our brave 

BAiPOCB," 
Buiittftt (fcn^.*— Debate on Address. 

/ViViiH.— Bubble of peaceful Sesaion bnrat to- 
night. Exploded under feet of Oosi.tieh ; nearly 
shattered him. A few tendencies in that direction 
all through the evening. When G, 0. M. aat down 
after speech two boufs lung, Irish Members, leaping 
to their feet, stormed araund him in jubilant en- 
thuaiasm. Seemed enough for one night. But 
when he eame back after dinner, there was another 
enthuBiaatio reception. Ten minutes later came the 
news of Liberal victory at Southwark, and thia 
time the whole Ojipoaition were on their feet, oheering, w&tIiik 
hata, and clapjiiiig hands. 

0. P. FoLi.iG laughed to see snob fun, and Ooscheh wished ho 
was over the moon. 

Biaincsi Jone,— Looks aa if tlie GoToniTOeat's waa. 




■• a. P. Kullat 
Uughed." 



Tm Brthkll Cask.— Poor little child of Tbs-poo, aiiif Bbtuxu, I 
Mr. Jiutice SrESUNa decided against'its claims, which lomehow 
doesn't sound like sterling jnatico. Had it come before three JodcM 
who had taken the same view, ther<) might have btcn rood nvund 
for appeal on account of ecciosii^tioiil bia4 On the part m the JaditM 
wlio had been unanimous against a " little BvTaXLL"—iiimtm4 
diiainlimte, i.e., not one of them bolny a diaienter. At it is, it 

■L-oms rather hard on the Baralong Bride txtd baby, 
"Jewzl's Apolost,"— PaoU. 



^^ NOTICE.— Sejfcfd O^amuiiittaoat or Conrrlbnclons, whether M8., ^Tinted Hatter, Orawingt. or Fictnns of any dMoifHiaa. will 
^~' \ aa^^^^u '""'"*^' *"" •«» Wion aoeompaaied by a Stamped ant Uiteu«4i Initiftva, Cover, or Traafw. To Uiii nle 



Uakcb 3, 18S8.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 





THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE UUIUAL FLATTEBT. 

Ji.U VieimU Hiclor du OrtiUlim. "Do fov kkow, Serb itx*, TXX I 'jurip 
too •TIC FtLSSca ruK »■ fiwt time, I takbo tod, bt ioob Acobxt, foh a 
FfiVBMjty!- 

Sfr Jaaiet. " Kw*ir, VMAvnoiro, TttconTl Oa—Xf hwaw, koso j« ■voo« 
IT vxw POOS Li raKttiAiK rwAw, j'at roKXAr, rAii vanit MAMtTAm nit 

V008 BlBILLTAy, OS UAItssr, ir DS XONrr X SnitVAL, sir vooa ritV h'jS 
OkQI^t!" [Thug firmr (tenutt frimtthip. 



HORK CANTERBCEY TALES. 

8IB.— Ab; imp&rlJBt reader nho hu followed the con- 
troTCrtJ^ tbu lius rvotutly tsJcen pl&i» in thti eolumna 
of the Timtt, b«tvtfQ Canon llorrLKCOE and t'atlwr 
UOBEis on tte ruiture of Ihc blow* inHicti-d on the hekd 
of IJU Thorn u. mtul «dmit that in his Ulcat T«jctadcc 
tha worthy Caoon hu dfcidcdl^ tho ndvnntAj^u of hii 
isg:«ciuu« apponotit. " l-ot him." uki the Cuum, 
bnnipng mLittcn to a iiracUoal tf at, " try the cxpcri- 
mtint on »omn oro, — not with « iword," ha oomiicnit«-iy 
»ddB, '"hut with « Atick." That thi» i* what th« Canoa 
haa be«D doinr. anil hai prohablr had a V«rii«T, or 
perbaiw eT«a tha Dean hmiwlf, down "on the flat of 
hii tlomach;" aa the Saint was aaJd to h&T« facw, ud 
haa bera whaddns Tiffaroaaly at hii bead, thun MB 
be no tort of doubt. For he relat«i hia eijierienee 
under th« cirooiMtaDOM, adding that auyk-dy who 
nukes a limilu attack, will find thut a blow almtd 
Turtioally at the arown of tho head would glanoe down 
either the right or thn li^ft Ride." 

Thii appeal to prjifliea! c%p*rin)pnt for yerifyiw 
nntiqunrian thoory liiu ■.truck nin an mniit hippjr, and, 
taking quits a morbid icUmtt in tlio late cnntroyanTi 
I have alrtadf uotod (overal timen oa tti« Caaon • 
■piritcd sairB«*tion, and have felled in tonu taj crand- 
mothor. the bntlnr, twonndlt^a, and a tax-oolleotor with 
an urabrella, with Tarying reiulta; yet thouich I haT« 
alway* aimed the blow " v-^rtioally," to th* bett of my 
abilitr, at th« orowna of their fL'spantivu hradt. I oannot 
fay tnat in all oaiea I hare auciiefdHl in hitliui; them. 
Henoe my eip«riencc> hai been hiLherto Bumewhat in- 
eoDolntive, but I am hoping that a (ew muro ohanM 
trlala will ailurd me an uppurtunity of pcrfci^tinR >t- 

Meantims. 1 shall he inleieited in n'jtin? whether 
Kather Mokeis acta upon the Gwon'a hint. I have no 
doubt, ouuld ho ptriuade hie superior, or ovfn a lay 
btothtr w two, to lot him "go for" their hfiadu with a 
hookey atink, ha mii^ht throw to mnoh light upon the 
matter as to oonaidtrahly modify the rath«r limil«d 
Ti»w to which he hiw a» yet. a« fnr ia I have interpreted 
hia Ipttnrs. cinfini'^ii himself in relation toil. Trusting 
we shall hear tttllaoDuthiiLg further from him,— I am. Sir, 
your obedient aerTant, A Pkactical Antkidakiaii, 






"Thb Obeai 
Rhaumatiam. 



'Twixqe' Bbsthskr."— Oont and 



PL.\Y-TIME. 

I 'ni<M)x*TXli laat week a courae (to which I admitted there were 
maay objaotiane) for ameliorating the generally nnhappy oonditiona 
of tMatnotl pr*imfrt*. By ^reaenting riUja tint 1^ an andignne of 
ezparta, nany of the otherwiee inevitaole diwdrantagfa of Firat 
Slrbta might be airotded. An excelleot critioal con/rcr«, who ia one 
ci ttioae whom Matt A&ni}ld styles, " th« youtiK buna of thu Dailjf 
TeUfraph." roars with laughtar at thia notion of mine sa .being 
"curioua and oomiual." 

PorhapB do: ytt what, in thoir original intention, w«re " priTato 
viava," in arliata' atudioa. of the piotnrea before thejr left the easel, 
bnt appeals to oritiaal judRmect, profi-s'ional and amateur, ao that 
any doftots might b« remedied, previous to their appnaranoe on the 
walls of the Academy, Oroivenor, or elsewhere ? Mind, I don't say 
that thia waa tha oulv privntn view that ocenrreil in the artiata who 
iiutiatad tho idML. Have I not been present at genuine " private 
VJaws " (not una of thoiui idiotio fashionnhle Sunday gatheringa which 
■n tbe absM of the orisinni purpnae] when a tbou^'htiul aiiggestion 
hM bMm Bade, and basWnaubiiFi)iiet)tlyad('pt«d hv the artiat to the 
■mifMtt isBpiwrement of the picture ? Certainly I Lave. 

Hm not Hf Hoellent frieud, ua a prufesgioual urilia, any expe- 
riaiioe of being aaked to read a [iliiy, and advise upon it ? Well. 
tilU it on* atep towarda the pniductiuu of a pieee in cuniera. And 
UwMztitepr haa it not beuu freijueully adopted f Are there not 
Oparaa to which muaicsl and dramulio oritica are admitted b«furs 
Uu work is made publiu F What are they there forK If roerely 
to write a notioe, or for other joumaliatio pnrjiuies, tiu crltioiim is in 
quaation; bat if it is tt> aiaisl themselves in wriiing a more thoughtful 
sritiolam than uauul. Ihm 1 oontJi-nd that thia nriliminary heariufr 
baBsUtowsrda an hrnest discharge of thn oritica duty. Itnt if the 
fliillas, SMdBlt whom I ineludc- a variety of rTpnrl.i, are there for 
thapaimMMueaenting tlirir nolca on what they oonaider errors 
■xid denota to Uwm raapontihle for tho production, then in many 
caiM th« publia, and all ooncerned in bringing out the work, woutd 
b* th* nunara. 

Ton Tavlok's Itiddta Hand waa beard in ramerd, and ao haro 
boeo, 1 dar« «ay, maiay other piaeea ; but this cuo I happen to 

TOI. XOIT. 



remember, having witneated it, and having heard many nggta- 

tiona made to the author, thoujih, if I remember rightly, aa ne'Xt 
ninht'a performance was the public one, thia interval did not give 
siitlicivnt time for rcoljfioation. Alt lorta of poasibla faults in 
aoentTV and ooitame might bo aet right it the pieoe W(r<j givi^n on« 
week before rrodnotton in the preavnoe of an audience compoaed 
not only o{ dramatio oritioa, but of other artiatio experts. Tbcro 
ia nothing very "ourioua or oomioal" in such a proowding ; but 
there is something both " ourjoua aud oomieaL '' in the sup|>otition 
of publiu opinion beinj): in any way iiiQuenucd by a oritiuiBin imttcu 
in hot haate" for tho mett sake cd ' 



field with " an item of ne-yn." 



htiiii' among the firal m tho 
UcK-is-Tia-Boj.. 



Ofr Roosuio-OmcK. — In Longman'* Magaiin* for March, Ht, 
BiDna Haooard girea na A Suggtutud Prolagtui to a Dramatitti 
Verium of " Sht," Bia atage-direotiona are deli>;htfril1y freah. In 
the aet of tKe aoene ia to be n " Statwt uf Tnith inomiug up in hofk- 
ground." There ar» only two oharaotira in it, Ayttha and Aina- 
niiiUit, of whom (he former bai five apeecbea of nine, aeven, eight, 
nine, and nineteen lines respectively : and the latter haa three 
ipe^cbea '.'[ thirttrtn. twelve, and nine liiiea. All thlt talkee-Ulkee 
ia of the gloomiest dccuription. and the action takea plaoe by moon- 
light. At the finlah of Autiha't fifth and longeat apeeoh, th« ttagO' 
direction ia. "Varliiin /am /or an inCerral 0/ tuiu thoutanJ ymra." 
Ominous this! Farewell. Mr. Bedeb HAOOABn, for two thouaaud 
yt-ara. Two thousand ycoral O mii mere.' my poor doar 
Mummy I Babok de liooK Wouna. 

Thb Poiht or "Tim LAUCgr."— itfr. Punrh aaya that in this 
caae (referring to a gentle touch from it laat week] bn d^^an't aee 
the p^jint, nor feel tt. But, on second thoughts, thn point of a 
Lancet in a case would col be visible, e^-en through the mamifyiaf 

glasi of Mr. "Oh, no, we mnatn't mestionhim"— ot t« tMlMim 

jwroeption of Doctor hush I— no— '' hia name ia nnnr board," 

and It Mr, Punch bri>at1ii<d it, no matter how gentle the brastb, it 
might ho felt in aomoquartora oa"a puff." Well, "a^VK^Mtono. 
from Sir Ui'^kut Stajilut ia (jtaiac \wwA.V' 




93 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Uarob 3, 1888. 




1 

i 



(( 



CORPORAL"! 



SAooImoiUr (lU A* condatian of At inieniUii). "I tdihs. Sin, Totr wiu. bavic no Musoy to rspekt PUCiHa todb Sohb cxdrc 

HT cuts. 1 MAY MHtrriDK THAT IK OlTa TIME WM HATS TOBNSD OCT TWO SlMOR WkAMIlLEM, KRITHUI OF WHOV BATX LOOXH) 

BACK WITH RBORIT CTOS rilR COHRICCLCK " IBEHh 

faretU {nif-vutde man and ilroTig-mindali. ' Till— a— kh!— oh, cbktaimlt— ir rou SBiva 'eii WftAjnitiy, ob asy o* that icox- 

BKSM, TVKX 'KM OUT, MlSTKRl NXITK AHR CuOP t AKD DOH'T SfAttB TBI— A— TBK CCBEXC — OR WSATBVKA YBR CALL IT."— (JPUa 

KunMnj I(w£ to Me Kohnk OtnUemn*.) — " Lit 'km "avi it I!" 



i 



IN VtNO VERITAS t 

Th« (Dllftti'ii!!)' earioiM dooarannt, whioh hM fsUen into JWr. 
Puni^A'i h&nda. mid h*» bttva " doTi« into RnRliBh " bj one of hU 
Ynonit Mcu wno " kuowa tho l&nftni(<'." i* evidt-Dtlr &□ extract 
from the notei of the Clefk o( a l^'rvnoh Jmjr 'I' Instruction. It 
woald Kem that tho MoRiktrat^j with the tubtla aad luaidiona deBi([a 
otoHoitiDiT lume damntiii^ iidmueioa« from thu aituiucd jitnoa, bid 
inviled him to dinner during the inlvrroentioD. Then, whtQ he con- 
Mivtd that the momritt wu ripe, he auddtiiljr biuuirht to bear upoa 
Ul nnluopT guc*t the full puvar of n tratlled U>gal intellect — ■ 
dimoa VDlch can only b<i eKau>ed hy remenhtrinK that n French 
oiTicint in bpt t<> talt'< «om9wh>t wide viom of hu dutioa in the ooarce 
of ■ erimiuul iu«ettiit>>t'<>D- 

We mtT miipoBO th»t tho Clerk wfti previoailir oonoeiled aod in- 
■traoted to muke ft (tithftil icnord of the trAnaootinnii, in which it ii 
AbandADtlr oloM that the pnrtiet were b; no means oa ui cquil 
footing. 

Whether the precedent i« worthy of bvJas foUowud or not. will he 
•offldaotly irkthered from th« oEei«l soooimt of lU wotkioK whiuh 
Ixtiuthtu:— 

[J7rr4 )[. lo Jofff tisii'Jtri in tht ayrettd-upim manntr that I irat 
In make alUntivn, rind romm-nu-ir niy trantfriiit , nfttr urhich 
kt oinintaint4 an imprettirt tiUitct daring ttverai momwtit, 
and thvn 

Mt. I* Jfige \at (ftiikfn (tjf an ativM4 o/ ii'min>!fnc*). Aoooahed I 
iUi fu from dushiicu vr . . . Juihtiiih ...!«' uuy uuf&ir 'vAnt&ge 
. , . Toung mun yuur uitu'^aiih'n ac' ■UurEmsul^hut bouu' t«lt yon 
behold in mo no lon^tr Huaht,— but lAiri Int«rro(rator 1 Ash you 
•zApeak olnmcnihy, 1 ftdjuro yi>u, 1 inplurc you, I cuunnhul yuu, to 
—to pMh the hoi' 1 

Tht Aceuud {who «A<>«n hiruttf of on tJtrtm* phiepn). Bat, 
wilA mil mr htutrt, JIfiMiUfur! 



M. U J. Prepare, then, inshuily er be tbnbj'oted lotienendoiitb 
powenh of fpmiir»ble le^al mashino, known itb—itnt/i an iffort itf 
mtmor^) JnridiihioAl— no, that iihn't ijui' ri'— bwi, wh»t inipeitsl 
Jur-di»h-i<iioal 'Ti-rrogstionfh I 

TA* A. {"/Cfr ri tilriKr a liitif prulongird), I un awaiting your (ood 
pleuure, Honeieur le Jofce. 

M. le J, (uihn hat Ttmoved kimulf bt th» iittrrvat to a potttiom 
btluic He Bini-h). On ahecimd thouKhta. I hlleTO I )btU M able 
eroih-ejtshnniiii' more mimfor«bl>- on tt lloor ! 

Tlir A. Ab Honuuuf plcuos. WiU ho hnTo the oondnoen^un to 
put hin iiu^i>ti>>n f 

M. U J, {aliiently). Call me at ah-pkh eheiithtl 
ISteond pauie. At Offitrr of the Cowl, I eitileai-onred wilh all 
retpect to rtcali H. le Jure'* attention to the actual potilioH q^ 
affairi. Fur loma lime he oeeupiid himttjf M tmidmpitMltf 
teilh an r^e full »f ttrrrily the Accuted* /ef *, wAtrA vtr* 
vititile (.mriitk the table, and to which he addreutd him4*lf*l 
length, with n mming adjuralian, charaettriied hjf Umehat 
itmihilili/. 

M. It J. ToiinjT Mrn. deplorable uh le your prtelieBt poeliitww 
you have, all four of you, emh onah liad a MuMher ... a HQMb*r 
who— well. 1 don' r'membcr wha' alt y'r Huuhcre did . . . ItA 
equal I ... By that Khnercd name. I warn yoa not to 'tempt any 
kii'kolandethtin' Dommnnicaeh'n byabtsnaorothrrwtah* whiUoiiMr 
— (hie) unner that table I 

Tht A. I pmttit, M. le Jujcc. that I am but oi)ith«r«— I am all 
ineapablc' of aombinini; myotll ah)ne '. 

it. le J. [with tin infitiijn t<f iV^'ny]. UaheleM, M'lhlMU fihett 
nottoVhc»pepior«hiiii[cT«— e"r— Law . . CoilMUDaerfrtablB,6h{rl 

JAc A. {tubmiUin-j himtelf with a tArny). Wher«TCT HoaaiMr 
prefer* it 

M. ie J. [toilh tttdden ehoUr). Who arc jrau, H'ehitn F Depart— 
IcATS ^r Court ! 




MjiEca 3. 18E8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



99 




n» A. {in niAh tarpriit). Pardon, I pr««eitt mywU for «X- 
■aiaktiaa u dttind. Have 1 then permission to retire f 

M. Lt J. No, U'lluea the Aocashed. foa {hie) bftre not. ( With 
a ftiultaliitf diffmty.) Miaherable j-nung man . . you hRve ftJIen 
Uwtfca ihlMMihocnnTiiiigly pri^nared fi>r foa! . . Yon h&ve taken 
tM wuh wiii»— f on «r« inebriaUa — loaM! . . Veih, tremble^ then, 
wkm I teQ ynn too cad no lnoe^r 'pend npon yoiir nuhnnl shelf- 
p aw gifaloB^y our bniiiKh i*l> cloudtd with &!— (Ai>)~al«oroll . . . 

CiQ are it ray n«tahy, Bhirl (Her* M. le Jufs jmffti ttxth 
mthtnr.) 'Ijjw ci« «r refill your elash ! I— I don' know what I 
WRW coin' dur Bfitht 1 . Bat VMi— itah th&t I {With avaUmal 
htmrvStnet.) Vmicir mis, I niMit ptnfit bv your ditbgruhf ul cun- 
dufau • • ■ extort tdmiahnni m ■ eolpabuity exoeiliiye— bat I 'm 



'frud . . . {JItrt H. le Jnge ezpan<l»d into a rmitt ef a rhttrmittg 
itctttntu.) I'm 'frfttd I'm lit (ou shltcpy Ibiah evcnuiK . . , 



Enshanted to 'to (been yon. To the nlcaiihur of mettin" y"u 'gwn 

■'mother 'oubion. Tbiih inquiry isii 

puhbol'l 



■'mother 'oubion. Tbiib inquiry isii {hie) lidiaurticil. Uabit — 



\_BtTt U. le Jnce Ttftgtd hinwlf in an immehiUt^ almoit 
ilalutiqut, and iht Aenuied urat rtntnvtd, nuiliitg vifA 
gratitudt nf tht mnit prrifovnd. 

CoitPBsnORS or a Ptmt.inii'K.— Tht-'O of>nf.»tii)nii, not beingr foil. 
•w nii8ttti«t«otory. Fur nm--. Jons STB*witK WiHTnii baa nipped ■ 
irood idea in Ibe bud, which would Tt'A bn tlrange for an oMiotjy 
Winter ; but tbia Winter is a Tory unoommon on«. 




100 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARr. 



[March 3, 1888, 




IN RE "WrKEKAMIST" AND " WYXEHAMITE." 

Litlera ad Punch dt cj-furiu ajitidam parvi El-iHf-iuii, 

LiTTsiu, qnua legi hodie m j&m graviii ia met utirai 

«rt responded id. 

"Quid «tt in nomen?" ot " Siiucsnunis" (ut U 
qni " SniKSPBiKius " Boripsit) dixit. 

Quid Tcfert nt " Wfkehamite" «Ht nomen ralidiu 
(mighty) et " Wykehamiit " e»t nomen nelmlmni 
("mistT" vides-nc? Hnhft!) Wykelutroile e«t (imtlii 
'■ Midah-ipmite " (pirviw paer l ) " Cheoaa mite " (parTO* 
pulei| "Mite" [pamilus puer nt hio Etonenei*), td 
" WykeharoiBt " e»t limilia Brientist " (tit qni magw* 
in eoiontis est) "Socialist" (homo qni e«t Sooialia I*o) «t 
"fist" (si non tntolligis qaod boo ot, roBft "ScuJ- 

TAMTli"). 

Si Etoneniia ridet ad nomiiu noctn, vdlo diotra " III* 
qui TiTit in domo ntno debet non jkOtn )wid««-" Kam 
putal Cur sunt nna aon Btosennim Tooati "Tag- 
lanttoniona " ? Et eli&m ttt-ne ("ne ant nam" lUa wt 
interrogatio) nomen "Oppidans" ndioolnoi? 

Nnoo okado hano epiatolam et pcIo aubioiibtr* ine 
ipanm. Tnns Vere, 

"Wikiiukist" ad Mou, Scd Kdh^caii 
•*Wtk«h*kitb." 




The Art of Warre. 



COSTTIMES. AS THEY OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN. FOE THE 
DEAWINO-ROOM LAST FRIDAY, FEBRUAEY 24. 

"Now IS TBI WUTTKB IW OCB Vl»CO}ntXT."—SnAKSFgARB. 



No apology was nefd«d from tlie Head Uait«r of 
Eton for leomriiijt Wfure the Aldorahot Military Society 
on "Tactics," WliT, if aver Ihere were a man for the 
work, it is «?identlj- l>r, Wabri:. The K^vtrend Dootor't 
name is sag^estive of the Church Militant. He aaid hs 
"fell timorous before such an audience" Of «uuTa« 
" WtBUK's alarms." Ah ! how many a lower boy cuald 
piM an account of what the"sinewB of Wahhe" ara 
fikel He will noit leoture on "the ItlocV System," and 
on the attitude of boys io the Head Master's jiresenoe. 
Suuueas to Dr. Wahrb, Pai DocUiri SfMo .' He hsj mads 
some of them "bellow I" and, when his next birthday 
STTiTei, hero's swishing him many happy retuma of thja 
day. 

A FROPos Dv OvmwAftxtiia Youwa Bontm.— 
' ' What 'a the odds as long as you 're Abbey F " 



"WHAT A (DRAWINC-ROOM) DAY WE ARE HAVINCI" 

Thb following letter, which has been'receired at S.i, Fioet Street, 
is published for identilioatioD :— 

Mr PBAKKT Flora. SaturJas/, Ftbruari/ 23. 

I AM sure that you must bu dying to hear liuw the funotioD 
went off yeatordaj. Wi, my dear, we had such a dreadful tiraeot it 1 
It was ao bitterly cold that we nearly didn't go at nil, and Papa, who 
aooompanied us, you know, io his Deputy -Lieutenant's uniform, 
looking such a— well, yon know, not looking quite his best— was in 
■ooh a.temper, and used snoh awful language, that it was perfectly 
droadtiil I The night before we didnt go to a " first night" at the 
theatrn because we didn't like ti) take the horses out tntn the cold, 
and ytt on Kridiiy we kupt the poor creatures waiting in the Mall for 
honrs — literally hours I Uf course it is awfully nice going to a 
Drawing-room and bting presented, and al) that; but in Febmary, 
my dear, this kind of thing bos its drawbacks. 

Now. knowing you, I feel that you would like to hear everything 
from the beginiiiug— now wouldn't you 'i' Well, I think I told you 
that it WUB deelded that I sh'.'uUl gu t« I!ui'kiiij|-ham Palaue thi" 

fear because Mumma thought that the UuEiiN might )>e annoyed if 
stayed away any longer, tapcKrially aa I'LsNTAacNKiiA SuiiniES 
Wfts presented in time for the Jubilee. Papa was rather against it. 
■nd said it was "nonsense" (ho is droadfully vexing sometimes!) 
but of course Mamma had her way, as sbo always doei. Mamma 
and I had to ch<H)ie our dresses. It didn't take me long, as a 
dtlmlantt. yen know, dear, always wears white, hut Mamma was 
UMweritl I really think we went to a dozen plaocs to get the 
nut for Mamma's train. Mamma got at last some velTet, em- 
broidered with pomegranates and tinsel. Then we had such a fuss 
about whethir it should be from (he eh(iuliier « ia Watttaa or rot. 
It was Bi^ttled that it had better spring from the waist, which was 
only putting it a few inuhes lower, alter all. Then we had suoh a 
lot of viBita from and to Madame Pellorb, trying onand alterinjt. 
and alt that sort of tiling, that 1 kbb quite weary of the alTair, uud 
should havi! liked (o have backed out of it. Dut Mamma wouldn't 



let me, as she said that the dear Princess would be ao annoyed if I 
didn't come, and it wonld be in such bad taste, considering the tad 
news from San Remo. 5o I DerseTered, and 1 have beeu. It ia sill 
over 1 But I must say, thank Goodness I 

Well, dear, it was avf\illy cold on Friday morniDg when I cane 
down to breakfast. It had been snowing a little in the night, and 
the pavements were quite while. Papa was very cross, because he 
said it was " such (somiithing very naughty) nonsense' " And that 
my mother was old enough to know better. I couldn't help saying 
that I thought it would be use tul to mo if I went nflerwords to any 
foreicn Court. Papa in an aggrovatiag tone asked " WhyF" 

"fieoaofie," I explained, "our Ambassador wonld have to ask ui 
to all the Embassy dinners and parties if we had been prtaenled." 
"Oh, wonld he! " replied Papa, in a most aggravating way. Well, 
I did not stay long, hut rnshed upstairs to dress. Passing Mamma's 
room I found her standing on a sheet with the whole strength of tho 
establisbment putting bur together. 1 was rather vexed at thts, as I 
thought it a shame to take LvCT, my maid, from me to dress 
Mamma. However, I was quite ready by the time the carriage 
came round fir us— a little alter twelve. It was such a business 
getting in I Both Mamma and I were lost in a perfect sea of velvet 
and Batin surmounted by twi) himquets, and were just riding off 
when John touohed his hat, and a^ked if Papa wasn't going to 
aecompany us t' Fanoy, darting I We had entirely forgotten htm 1 
However, tho oversight waa repaired, and wo were soon iiaeked up 
together in the carriage as close as that dreadful Medtoal Stndant, 
Cousin Pmitti, oolls " Sardines in a box." 

We gilt down to Bnnkingham Polaoe before one o'clock, and WOTild 
yon believe it F— even then the Mall was full of carriages I Wp ^lok 
up our position on the ranks, and then, my dear, our martyrdom 
began! On the whole, I thought it rather fun, bat Hamma waa 
ilrtaiifiiUu angry. A nnmber of rude boya would stand looi 
tbn^ugh tae oamsge-window making personal twnarka. Tlwy 

insist upon tnving Mamma advioa aboat h«t nose (which om. 

was very red), suggesting that we had better rub it with snoir' 
way of getting it back to its otininsl oolonr. Then th«y would 
laujh at I'apa'a s[>to[avles. He Kot outside and walked about to 



SUboh 3, 18&8.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



lOt 



^ 




kMD himMU wm>, bnt w« driru bftck into the oaffla^ bj- their 
•JUdiati OIl tt mids bioi lO tojnT I WdU we pat dowa the 
V&adt, }mt tbU didn't do mo^ good, u tlujr " talked tX " tu froiD 
th« oDtddie. F«ir ataAr two hmn, my d««r, «« tuul tii wut b«fCT« 
^ - KtDore WM taaat, 

iiiid then by fiU 
and iitarti we 
fuund bnrfulTM 
in the OourtTud 
uf th« PnUrn, 
UavinK ran the 
gnnntlet of 
orowd* of mde. 
(trtnaing, aoeer- 
iQg nooodieil 
SfMikkingof oobo- 
diM, we Mw the 

THUPKKJOSS {to 

vitoiD we mmrcely 
nod in oar plaot 
is tlw ocmntTT}, 
uiidwero m> ]t»d 
tofladftnyone we 
knew thftt we 
were quite ottrdial 
to than. And, oh, d«er, tlieeold wu dretdfall When we opened 
the window for b leeomt we w«re neuty fnxent 

Wdl, of mitna Pb^a wugfat hii nrord in onr ^owna. and then wc 
took off our wrap* in the du*k-room, imd one of the (emints 
gktbcnd np my tntc for mo, tnd ihawrd me hn\r to hold it over my 
um. Then we hurried np tn« atiirouc, Riid. aftvr giTing np "no ant 
otonr «uii(,pBB«d into the flr*t mnm. My d«nr. it wm qnitu foil, 
BBd W» WW loti o4 pMpIo in n shItoti beyond ' WoU, I won't wi'ary 
jon by tilting yon bow wn hod to flfht tnd piub oar way from 
•pirtnMnt to at'*'^M*'Qt (tometimM (VUlM K dwir near the tlrci, 
mlioa w« wei« routed, snd lometlaM * PUM OH ft tettoe iiodtr a. 
windvir, wken w»W«re frozen), but will oone to my preHotAtion. 
I va> (WsogUr tlnd snd wrvlohedly mid, when I mw bll the 
Mtoi irilO were with IM (I kept clout to Mfcinnw. but Pupa had dis- 
amMnd, M be wa.t <!U]y " Bvcummnymi; tho Uoiea of hia f&milf," 
•ad wun t foinj; tu paas before Utr Hlmrr) pittintr intti a\ag\e 
Sit, Suddtily I fuund myaoU nlono with two prraoos ia Court 
eortuisa iprcading out my train behind »c. I walked along, bud my 
mrd tiikcn from mn, heard my name called nut, Rurtapyed tcTernl 
I tinea, Willi od nidfiwnyii.baolcedjBnd found •omdon" wai Roinit through 
olactiy tho aanlD pprlormanoe lu my plane '. It waa all nrtr I 

Wi"ll, no, not qnite : for Mamma and I had to wait two honra, 
while Fapa found the carriagi?, «« that atupid Josk, init«»d ot 
poaaag n p uid iookioK for tu, had remained on tho box.. 

With beet love, over your afleatioQaI« ContlQ, MtUJB. 
P.8.— Papa ii laid un with bronnhitia, and Mamma i« ia bed to- 
day ■pocoUsn from iniluanTa. I am jnit t^ndiojt oil for the Doctor. 

OXRiKD MEMORANDA, 
(/fftttl upon AtflooritftAt l/nim, at If'tdKadag rrrninj Itstl.] 

1. To (oak* t itoodlitnpreaiiion nomehdw. 

s. To ent«f the room a little hit lat«. and lo, ior«win|t 'em up to 
Uw tiptoe of espeota&oy, seizure an ovation. 

3. AUnde, with modest loaut&rity, to it htiog my flnt appeartince 
u a M»tk«r in tliat Miemoly. 

4. By the way, lo take oar« to refer to!t ai "Thia HouBe," 

6. Pit the yL'unjf!li>ra who preoode mo encouragingly and good- 
hnmcinredly oc the tiitk. 

C. For ftjrni'a aikr, pull their Motion amiably to pieoea, ia show 
thrmwhatamalcnrdiibatiagcoineatflia "rt-al Parliamontary handa." 

7. Bpriag on them an entirely new and original drtinition of thn 
" Iriah (la«ctian." that will give them aomothing to talk about. 

8. Try and hit Ihi! mran level of diibati* a« agre<'Rblp to IJnder- 
irraduatn*' nri, by «tnkin(r n halancti fw-twofin thn atyle anitahlo to 
Codxtra' Hall ana one of my livvlieai performanoe* in the Uouao of 

COBMOIW. 

9. 8p*M it wUh allntiont to Tke QuarUrli/, PtTT, Loyal Uliter, 
fte.. tad finiah np with a fetching peroration. 

10. Hake aure that tiie Timr^ rppurt^r is there, and that they 
mMB to give nie at least four wlumni the nect nomlng. 



" As iFTmtUTN Piatookk" (hia icrihble ii a bit indi»tinnt, and 
it may be "An Ihtbutkuutii Platooku ") writ^^a tnnik, why our 
younp man prslMd Xrt. Jarram%if»\Gmif at the Savoy, brcanao 
(hi* mdvotd hin to go to »ee it, and, beinK diaappoint^j. h« aaya 
tbnre'a no " Omi*" in it at all, and aa an attraction it t* "Jarramit 
l)Ml»r" Kd " brmmUTi Putooeb " aak for hli money bank 
BjraiD t D«M he wiih OttT yoong man to refund ? Aak him. We 
•uiocrtlr viah be may s«t It 



OUR ADVERTISERS. THEATRICAL NEW DEPARTURE. 

[If i£r. H'yvd?jim'i Uad ij In hf/ollouvd.) 

"TVECRY LASE,-<aotedaudd«aly, till further Kotioe. 



DRL'Uy LANE,— Mr, Acottstts Eaxub having arraagEd by 
direct TelegrapbJo oummunication with the Emperor of 
CiiiVA to t^ive a aerieauf Rrprcivntotiuna of the gruid aud highly 
•nonniufnl Pantonine, Pma in Boott, at the Summer Palace, 
Pekin,.re*peatfuUy bega to inform hi* Patron i. the Public, that, u 
h« bos reaaon to believe that tho takings of the Dcwlv-pr(>i«ot«d 
tnterprisu will ba aimply anaraow, he ffola that tiiey will instantly 
undentand that no ajnfogy ia nooded from him (or withdrawuijc it 
in the full tide of its presMit gituitto auocesa. 



TOOLK'S TBKATSB.-Na P«rforiaaaee tblt Eteaing. or till 
farther Kotioe. 



T 



HB BUtLBU.— PonpoxKs BzruncsTATiox. 



ll/TK. J. L. TOOLS, having jn«t reorired the aogmt eoranaoda 
ivX <A BU lbi«ely Ihft Empcrer of Ylil to iriva a performanoe of 
the highly ttuoeatfal fu-cionl (mmody of Urn htttler in thoiu remote 
I'lands, he feels that, in ordtr to perfect bimanlf in the language, 
whioh ha ia now end en von ring to do with his Mitirn company, by 
devollnjt tho whole of his l^iaurs lime to ifa study with the aid <rf 
an Otttudorff, he ia hound to withdraw the riiprcannlation ot the 
piece til! further notlco. As, ii Mr. Toolb flndi hia Fiji ciptriment, 
as he haa every rposon to believe it virill be, a auooeaa, ti4i int*nda, if 
hu nan acquire a anillcient mastery over the local dialeota, to (pre 
scYcruI reprpBontationn in the .Solomitu and other gronpt oi Cannibal 
lalandi in thn iieighb')uriug Archipekgo. hf begi to atato that all 
fooi for pUceD already booked will be returned. uqIcm tha latter he 
changod for aome dale at which Mr. Toolb deToutly hopoa to see 
himiulf back again, and which will be announced by oable «a aooa 
aa circu mntauoeB will possibly admit of ita beiag dona. 

rilBE IIUTLEK.-Mr. TooLx would be glad to Iwar from any 
X retired Miiaionary or eiptirieBoed adnpt«r who would bo oom- 

Ktent to fumiah him with a free tranaktion o! the above popular 
roieoi Dnm«dy into the language of the man-eating Xarai^tti. 



r^ LOBE 



THEATRE.— Closed fur the Season. 



M 



R. WILSON BABRBTT at Yokohama this evening in the 



MR. WILSON BARRETT having reowvcd tho oommands of 
Hia. Majesty the Mikado to rr-peat his powerful representa- 
tion of the part vt the Ilercrend Frank Thornhill, in tho Oi.lden 
LaddtT, whiuh he K>vea in Engliah. supported by a Japanese Com* 
pany in thetr native tongue, will not ho able in conarquonco to appear 
lu London till further notica. 

MR. WILSON BARRETT.— further •rrangenonto. March 9. 
Imperial <!*pHra Uuoae, Timbuotoo. Uareb 15. Tho Grand 
Uama'a Court Tlioalro, Thibet. April 1, Theatre Royal, Cape Horn. 
8ubset|ueut date* will be poblishtd in a later advartiaunenL 



T 



HE CRITERION.-Speoial Notice. 



DAVID QAEUIICS.— Mr. Wtvdhu and Hisi HaBTtMoou wUl 
appear this evening, by command of tba Quaan Rnutt, in n 
Spaniah vonrian of the above at Madrid. 

DAVID GARRICK.-UrWnci.HAii and Visa Mast UoouwOl 
appear on the 20th inst., byoummandof the Emgof Holi.ard, 
in a Duteb veraios af the above at Amsterdam. 



D 



AVID QARBICIL-Mr. WricnttAM and His* M»«r Moom will 
-.^ apptAr on tlie SOIh inat., by oonunand ol tlta KiMO, in a Bcu- 
manian v ««ion of the above at Bnehareat. 

DAVID OARftlCE.-Hr. Wtjtdhau and HtH IfuT HoauwOl 
appMTon tbo litcf April, by comnaadof tha ScLTAir, in a 
Tnrkiah verrion of tho abovo at Conitantjnople. 



DAVID GAKRIC!^. -Mr, Wtkdhak ud Hiss Ma«t Muoui will 
appear on the 3th of April, by the eonmaod of the Shah, in 
a Persian rercion of the above at T^heran. 



D' 



AVID QARRlCiL-Aa Ur. WrxDiux and lUaa ILutt Mo«KK 
having ROW parifotsd Hmawalwi in all tba Btnoiaia ad mwt 
of the Orii^otal Uociuf*^ will Bot ba tatnrslng to tow* far aOM* 

ooiuid(<ratite tJaa Tat,«wtntto the MiUaatttot iMi' OosttauBbd 
and Asiatic taMMMto, tlw )laiN«anent ber to Muwuiaa tlirt it 
the wa'.a booktd fOr the porfarmanae of Saturday next ba not 
dcftrred to an icdetinitu day. thn inoney paid for them will ba ra- 
tamod oo applicatioa to the Box OSes. 




THE MYSTERIES OF HEREDITY. 

Dr. Lamhertien. " Yes— Fixt OiKi. : but look at Htn Uotbxk, D»\]«t ' If tou w*nt ro xsow BXtcri.r wn^T "iavxa Cmu 
wiu. m LiKB nnrtN tiixv'kk llli\>t>t.x-xat,a, ALWAts t.noK av tbeik Motbeks, hv Itur,— and jiiirJRJt.'" 

Bit San 'Oa £011, Uoraucosl I siv! . . . Does tkb sahr RDtR Ari-LT to Vouico Pellowb akd XBitn JUrffiita/" 



"THE BEST OP FRIENDS." 

(5mM TragmtnUfram Didcmi, adapUd to CA< Si[iM((*n.) 

Jff* <nim;i— Ur, W. H. Sy-TK. JTm. TVij— Mr. W. E. (Ild-st-itk. 
■ ■••■« 

TffG t«mp«r of both ii&rtiea wm improv. d fur th« tims bein^. 
When Mr». Oamf, baying olesred away, produaed the tea-pot from 
the top thelf. eimull&aeouilf with a oouple o( wiae-glanet, thity 
Wcrra qutUt amiable. 

" BerBRr," laid Mn. Oaup, filliag her own glut, acd puiia; the 
tea-pat, " I will now prop]g« a tout. Uj preieot pirdner. The 
Opporitioo I " 

Whidh, alUriag the name to The QovernmeDt! I drink," said 
Uni. Pato, " with lore and teodemeu.'' 

Mrs. Pnio, whose remarkable yoioe wm not wholly iiioap»ble (m 
wa« well known both to her friend* and her (oe«) of the tnoro itrideat 
inil-ction« of ang«r and aoorn, absuliitply '■ouoed"out Ibis wnti- 
mont, with a xeduotiT>< softneti that wuuM haTs done va diMiedit to 
" th" Dot* and very bl*Tt»f4i 8pirit of Peace " itself. 

" ^ow. SiiMin, *sid Mr«. Prio, aft^r a due interyal, "joininf 
b(utD«a8 with plt^ueure. wot it thia oa»e ia which ^ er wants tny aHist- 
uiiK t " Mr*. Oaxp betrayini; in her faoo auoie intention of retumin j 
ui evtsirD auawrr, BETOEr ft4dod. "/i it that Irish case of yours!"' 

" N.i. BenaT Pwo. it ain't." was MfB, Gixp'a "ply. 

" Well," (aid Ur«. Piua, with a short kngh, " I 'm glad of that. 
ftt anv nXe." 

" Wbyihonld yoti be gkdof that, Bktset?" Mra. GAJiPretortwl, 
warmty. "Thn oawi* nnbeknown tojoii, Bzoept by heamiiy : why 
ihonld you be glad Y That i* a om*. Smir, in wbloh 1 abould not 
think of MH'kin' your aiaiitanoe, MHDC X *nx notion nt truatment 
thereof i* m oppoaite a* yalier uid irrMD." 

" Peniiaely to, Buun," reaponded Mr». Paia, with port«otoiu 
vmAtaiM. 

Tha bart amont ds have th«ir fevlin^. and it mn*t bo oonccdrd of 
Pus, that it there wu a bleiniib in her diipoiition it wa« an 



aggrarattng hahit the had of nibtly mireesting. whethw by orioalar 
word or aignidaaut ezpreuion, a great deal miire than she aoluUly 
laid. This mbtte triok of hen, whdst it made her miny corer 
enemiee amontr^t her oBteneible frii^nda. prevented her ulteatimM 
from BEOurinit tem|ioTary friends amonitat her norma! eaemiw. It ti 
oertain that her oountenanue btoime about this time quite Sphinx- 
like in its eigciHoanijy- >ind that $fas lat with her nrmt fuld-d and 
one eye open, in a somewhat oHemive. beoauae obtrunively int«lll- 
gent manner, ai who should (ay, " tlild 1 may look, and mother'* 
mtlli I may apeak, but 1 am a Tet7 Old Uonthly Hand, and you 
don't get over me." 

" lou think aperiently, BnRiT Pbio," said Mn. Gamp "that 
my treatmunt of that same Irish eaie i* hound to be weak. Exoage 
me if I mukes remark, Ihitt it may neilh>ir ho a>> weak m jieoplu 
thinki. nor people msy not think it «o w^ak m tbev prvtends ; and 
what 1 knows, 1 knows 1 and what yon don't, you aon't ; so do not 
ask me. Bbtsbt." 

■■ Who'«aMktu?of you, Biiasi?" Mra. Pbio inquired. 

Mra, Giur returned no nnswer. 

" Who's a n»liin(r of yim, BjiraErt"' Mra. Pbio inqnirwi ngais. 
Then M™. Paw, by reversing the qaeetton, imparted a drppcr and 
m[>Te awtul oharscter of aolemnity to the same. ."Sajkkt, who's 
a asking of you Y " 

It sMoitd the neiLTest pMsible approach to a Terr decided difl«r- 
enueuf opinion bptwe«nth<>ae twoIadi«* ; but Mrs. Pun's impatirnos 
to know mure of the oont«QCs of th»t tva-ptit bving greater at tha 
moment than hpr impatipnoe ut oontrftdiotion, she did not »ui>h the 
queation too pertinauiuunly, ajid when Mn. Quit replied rather 
evasirely. " Nobody, if you don't, Betbei," she s<>mbrely but 
■iUntlv ooQtdesoed in that peace-making pnicess known ai " drop- 
ping tne sublMt." For a quarrel oan be taken uti at any tinei, but 
a limit«d and tmoertain quantity of, let ns say rtdroahiiient, in ■ te«> 
pot oannoL 

A* to the partinnloT iarredienta which conatilutod the miKtar* in 
that t«a-p'>t, Mrs. Piim felt and dispUyisi a dovourtnf? ijiiriio«ity. Sa 
muoh *>) that the presently count^rleittd that ahitraation of Mind 



Maboh 3. 1688.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAJRIVARI. 



lOfi 



vfaieli Imx Ito Wtcia la exotmre attention to oae topio, snd Rtrokhed 
oathtrhi&dlatlwdirMtiaiiof tliel««-iK)t. Itwui mure than Mm. 
OkMT OOaU batr. Sboitoppod the hkod of Hn. I'ltia witb har owu, 
uid Mid. with gitnt fettisK— 

'■ Nu. Bbthkt I PUj- f«r, wotenr yon do 1 " 

Hn. P&iti, thui tHuDtd, thnir hBTMlf bftck in her oKair, and. 
otoatag tli« H»o nfo mora «m[ituitictlly, and foldms her nrms 
tigbtcT, taS«f*d hMT hand to roll ilowlr from »ide to xide, while sho 
rarTayed hor frimd with a p>:('<i1iftr imili^. 

8b» Hid Dothiaf. Bat (u huabiudii «ud Members ot Fftrltamcnt 
mli know) tfaert an waya of uying nutliiotc whtuh ate more au?' 
patin, aad more jwoTooatire, trtan the most oxuber&nt Terbaaity 
MB poMibly be. 

In tlti* attitada, and witb this demeanour, did Mn. r&io aitut 
nvnlta. VlulheT Ibote result* were deitin«d to bi^ bb nroicBble and 
■DiltaaUy ntlafaetory as certain mote or leis frieodly pmsates 
between die two ImUm h&d seemed to promiie.^weli that, ol coune, 
tenaioi to be teen, Itut it is prOTetbial tbat " The best of friend* 
luat port." 




A FIRST NIGHT AT THE PLAY. 

(Sy Our Otea Lnprtttionut ) 

DsroRB the First Aotof the new pisco onmmenced, I found the 
tltMtra crowded m every part, Cert«inlf thero were gaps in the 
ttaJla (lubeeijuently tilled lo the mniidar- 
aUa iDOonvenirnoD of the tarliti theatre- 
|0«n) and aleu a box nr at most two 
nnooeapivd, but theu afrain rfictiT«d their 
•Uotted tenants before the opcninr KO«ne 
WU orer. I may lafely aay that the 
hODM wai futi, and nnw I will, as te- 
^;tlea1cd. ^tc my impniiiioit of the audi- 
•nea^ Kor onoo let the play etnod over 
■a tha Jodite* have it, "fur furlbur 
flonaidaratinB," and let me oonfiae my 
•tttUion to thoM who had O'ime tu pan 
ladfaeat, and who remained to be in - 
■paoM. 

To begin with the Gallery. Perhapi it 
contained the moat Ken nine portion ot tbo 
pnbUe in the whulv building. By Rennina 
rabUe I mean ptriuuB who fa to the play 
wmjoy tIitm«JTcii. and hiivB no objection t>pty)n)( for the privilejre. 
Th« Ottlltry cheered and ilmighrd and diil jii«t what they pleaied. 
Wnm they dtt<ct«l what thry may hav(i thounht was faToiiritisra— 
whiic there Was an □imci^i'siarf Rhuer fi>r the ManacerMt for instanoe 
— tboy hiucd. But on th^ whole they were pleased and not anxenor- 
tnt. In a Uka manner the Upper Bities were equally fair and 
wpnaatiT«. Bot when I come V) the UtulU, Private Boxes, and 
Fa, I bars a Tsty different story to l«tl. They^hall have a new 

Tm * better parte " of the house were full of what ure teohnically 
kDOwa M " dead heads." They wors very nioo and inlcUij^nt and 
proper "dMd hMda," but atiU "dead hoods," and it is the rulo of 

wad head*" ntTBi to applaud anything ; so the dramotio ctilio of 
tUa OTfKB el pabltc opinum. and thn drnmatio oritin of that, pro- 
KTTtd a diaerMt aiicnm.-, only hrokm whrn.thay whispered a pfofen- 
aioital jeat to a neighbouring collnaftno. Ht course, they had a 
yvfMt right to be them, ai it was their biulDef* to notici^ the pifoe 
Mlot« then. But I queition whither this and that lady of natnr* 
vMtna hod an niual right, and whether it would not hav* been 
Mttar tot the pipe* hod they been oontpiuueus by their absence. 
RAwarer. th« deniiena of the Atalls and Private B»ie« behaved 
th«raaelvM, and, if apathetic, were at any ralu not uni^oartMiiu. 
But th« Pit '. I really mu»t giva a frwh parnnraph tu ilvf Pit '• 

la .yf«r« ^na by. wheo ^tulU wvre unknowu, ths Pit was Ikt 
pbtM for crilioi. Bveo now it retains siine of its old prrttige, 
tbaak* to Um aU«nda&oe of the avuraice middlc-claii pUjrgocr - but 
oaS I'irtt Sifht it la iatolentble. I'tie Pit is leavened by a doten 
unpleasant-bokilic ptmtOM, wbu geuemtly ooatrlTR to sneurc placwa 
in iba frontiow, and whose objtct it is to create n dinturban™. No 
doubt tiMN dnum unplesujit-lo'.iking i>erEon!i dnring the day have 
bMB CBgand la the congenial cmplayment of mcaonring H uiuol or 
WeicUBr ehewe nndar the ■opcHnUadtniTe of a head •hrvpman, but 
at U^lit they are tba mail4>Tii uf the situation. It is castomarr to 
pMaut tbciB to interrupt thn performances with foolish remark* and 
OBprovoked hooticgn. If anvthint; giiei wr<>n^ in the ezeitement of 
afint night's perfoimanoe, taeae iUitcrate iadi«iduul* strive to make 
it go " wrauflr." If an aetor stumbles over an unuipeuted uhair, 
tb^ J**'/ i< *" *otr«w ^nd* a door fastened when it should bv upun, 
ttaf AOvli if atoeoeftieksfor a moment iu the hands uf acarpenter, 
ts^ hoot. Dariaf the day, no doubt, they have been snbjeot to the 
whokaomadiadpliiMof th« shop or the derk'* ofSoe, bntat night 



tbny throw off all rostraint, and require a policeman to keep them in 
order. They are, after all^ only a amall minority, and it aetaa a 
pity that the majority of pit-goers, who prcinmsdiy haTs psid their 
money to enjoy rationally an evauinf'a aatertaiament, do not tnra 
upuu these entice of the eoonter, and iiuist upon their silence or 
expulsion. 

And uuw. having had my sar, I turn to thapjeoe for«nwaMt> 
It was ctalli-d TKe M-/i'.eTy of a JBamom Cab. I cett^nly atw 
the Hanaom Cab, and in the First Act noticed that it drove off 
deliberately with a lamp-post. What it did with that lamp>post 
appeared to be the mystery. But then I frankly admit 1 gave more 
attention to tha audience than to the performanoo. 



"ANT ANSWER?" 



Dear Mr. Puncir,— Accidentally taking up a qnart«rly, not TAe 
Qiurfpr/^, which israther too heavy to bo taken up without anoffort, 
I found the following passage among ita " Jiotioes of Book* " : — 

" VTe retd alio of n propls vhioh, in spile of fareifn ecflupalion, and in 
spite ot sjiti^mallc (JuTiirnnnntil «tforu to lUlIo the national life, oIun( »ilh 
diigged taeacil^- ti> iU nnlinnality : am] \t lait afur (wnturiea ot opprtesion, 
Won for lUalf tti U'ffLalflUTe %iii eiee'iUve independence. The Wredaa fIreBI 

which (ull-ireil imdrr ll>« lulii app'-ar to hi'c besn the oenuoatien 

of land for — seltlcrf. an ibsenlve ariitMraajr, an icopaTtirtslied pusantiy, 

a'clow a(Bi-i«l elasi riiUni the couolry aeeording to notion* and in 

interDilf. Ac, to , ki," 

I* this about Ireland and KngUnd ? Anyone who should think to 
would be very muoh abroad, eeeing that the above is only a oompr*- 
hi^nsivo summary of j I'iMffl»>T Am><[mil'S Viunf.Qr's book, entitled 
Ifitngary. Only about Hungary, yon see, and tha blanks I hava 
left in tha quotation, whnro tho words " Hungary," "Austrian," 
"German," "German," "Ofirm»n." ooenrred, may be lilted up 
according to the taste and fancy of the reader, ftimo thcoriit* asaert 
th»t Huugary hpii tii;t been benelilixl by it* National Pirliament, 
bu^ thay liavo the Profeswr's opitnon and eipinicnco of aotna! faot 
aitaiu»t them. Ouub the late Mr, Kii"".m,KT wrote a mpmoraSlo book 
enlillcd If'Ani Ihin doet Dr. A'erenirjn mian t whieh had the ono 
inralnabla cfleutof drawing from the eminent person to whom 1 ho 
inquiry wai addrciaod that marvellous speeimen of plain Kngliah 
under tho I.itin titio Apologvi pro vi'/i tuJ. which tfT-iclualty 
iiUcond tho nnfortnnat/1 interrogator I Now wouldn't it be a boon 
to a majority of in)7zled Kngliihmcn. if aomeono would publish a 
pnmphlnt entitled What iKnn diift Mr. (rladiCme mean t if thll 
wouid have th? effect of eliciting such a lucid reply as was given 
in the instanco above quoted. What an opportunity fur an 
Aptiliifia pro rilii «ufJ. by " Mr. G." with a prcJnne sucetncUy, and 
without any sott of ambiitaity, explaining what hn doci mean and 
what he does not mean, and what he does not intend to mean by 
ll*m» Rule. I should sugaeet this sort ot friendly arrangement 
vii., that Mt. Chaplib should put the qne»tioo~a game not unlike 
" putting the stone,"— which Mr. G. should! at once proooed to 
answer. " Magna etl perifiij." as Mr. LtBODCHBRB «aya when the 
circulation of 7ViifA goes up half-a-dozen ot so. 

four* mediutively, Ex BaviirAVr dk u Kmn:. 



** To be Batod Ksutaford." 

' TotLA oa qua Pan dit da msi— 
Dana 'la Qaiatte,'— da HoUuida." 

La Otandt DuAmi, 



SnOGESTION FOlt RE-ARRANaiKG A SCENE IS COURT. 

Fxox a r«port of the Waldtn-Borrowc* aasaiUt eaae we eztraat 
this:- 

" Jfr. Purtridft. Teu said I eteitidgod Iha oiM. Teu took ■• 10 task* 
Imptiinc ihat toere was faveurltism- 

Mr. fiitUt. No, 8ir. I b(B your pardon. 

Mr. Furlrtdgt. If yen *n! net on .this Dmob, &e., Ac." 

And then the worthy Portridgo-beak went on psokbir >t Mr. 
Bm-KT. giving bim a Ucturv. Now. if the woundid PisTKiDen h^d 
b«:*n qotte ativa to tho tituatioo, the diatogna should bare ran thaa : 

Mr. PttrtriJgr. Ton took m« to task, iasplyint that tbcra was 
(nvonritism. 

Mr. Entry {quoting thi rtfram of » topitai datt popular m 
Drurieianvi'i PimUmimtof'Sl). " tfo. Sir, 1 beg yottr pardon." 

Mr. Parlridftieqiialtotheeteanon). I aooept Ttmr tpoknlT. (7b 
oficiAU<^tkt CVnirf.) "Fdi h« * a joUr good (eDow, and •» »ay all 
uf ua." (C'A.M-us by rvtryotm StarUly^ And MW, Gentlanen, let 
u* rcaumo the oaao. 

And there would ban been an ond of tho natt«r for enr. 0,ri 
tic onnM .' 




I 



106 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Mabob 3. 1866. 



^ 




OUR FISHERY-COMMISSIONERY YOUNa MAN- 

J-t-]A Chmb-rt-n {mily). "8tokt\ Wbt ckbtainlt I Knjotid mtskl* 
AHliiHoLT. YOU B«i. Ir 1 'it ABKiD ' What 's tws srt bkbclt ! U it habbkh I ' 
1 tHAU, Rii-t.r, Sis, thk hesult m BABREN-NET-aiit ■' Oinsg tbat's hot 

BAD lOK JOSITB. O UWaHTOIR ! A3 WX FiaHKBT*CoMMI:HIONBIiB SAT." 



ON THE CARDS. 

Sn,— Thftt I* otrUinlj a oariotu fact reoorded the other day in tho papers, 
of the thirt^nn tminpa all being ooDtAJned in one hand at Whitt, oat is 
waroely lew ntmnifc than the rsperisopei of havinc dealt thirteen nutpefiiiTe 
haoda, not one of nhich contained a stnulH trump. Yet this very thing happuned 
to me qait« lately. Trav>-1]ing the other dir from Portamouth tu London, 
Uir«e ii«rft«t KeDtlemcn got into the train at Winohuater, and. palling duwn the 
window -blind a, pro[v)iied that I ahoulj juin them at ■ rubber at Whiat. I 
oonattntnl. and vie littd a mint enjuyable ^ame for ^inea puinti. But b; some 
curious thanue neithi^r I n:>T m» partner held a amgle Irump the whole lime, 
and, u our opixiuenta matked (our by honours, and tevea hy cards every aing le 
dcftl, 1 found m>-B*H, on arriving at Watarloo, indebted to a Captain DaccRiCitto 
tbs amount of £147 St., fonrhioh. not having, of oonrie, aomitoh oaah abont me, 
1 1*'" him, at hia anggoation. an nncroased eheqnp. This, hnwevet, by the way. 
/ aafjr joenUou it to ooancetion with ths onriom ran of ill lack to which I have 




referred, and which, u it is a oompteta poitla to m*, I 
moat leave to yoar readers, if they oao, to explain. 
I am, Sir, youra, obedifrntly, Pweb Sikplk. 

Sis,— The ohancatof the thirteen tramp« faJlinff to ona 
hand at Whist, are nothing; like 1.30H,'.>n'j,7lil tn 1 at 
wmebody taya. Why 5 to 1 is nearer it. ur lut the tBattw 
of that, you may ciul it ercna, and miJte it a oertaiDty. 
You have only to prejiare a pnolt and keep it under the 
table, and there you are. Take my cast. I am in Hie 
habit of playing three-handed' whist every evening with 
a oonple of ahort-aighted inTolid unolea for half-a-orown 
a rubber. Whenever I have the deal I whip the paok off 
the table and produce the one I have prepared. The 
nealt ia I score all the honours and all the tricks. Uy 
UDoles were at Rrat MtonJahed at the phenomr^noD, but 
Ihey aru now quite accustomed to it, and taking it as 
a matter of ouaree, frankly admit thai I have "ro- 
raarkable lack." I ahoold rather think I had. 

Yoori, quite wide-awake, Touur S&ABrK. 

SiK,— Your Correspondents hare furnished you with 

some intereeting experiences in eonneution with Whist, 
to whioh, if you will permit me, I will add one of my 
own. Being invited the uther evening to join a party 
at a well-known West-End Card Club. I found mytell. 
after paising in through a back enlrauciv soon sealvd 

Slaying in turn Nap, UnlimitiHi I/m, and Poker, and 
rinking Champagne in tumblers in a room secured 
against the sudden irruption of the I'oUoe by looked 
double doors. After thrfe hours at this I fanuy I must 
hare settled down to Whist at t«n guinea [Hiints. and 
only rose from the table on finding 1 held npjiEUi-utJy a 
double set of everything in my hand. Protesting agaioat 
this extraordinary phenomenon and Itnooking over a 
lamp, my partner, and several chairs and tables to em- 

fhaaise my objection, a melft enstwd, the details of whioh 
cannot diBtinctly usU to mind, but at the end of whioh 
I found myself in a back street near the Haymorket, with 
my pookets turned inside out, my watch gone, my dr«ss 
coat slit up my back to the ooltar, and a portion of an 
umbrella- stand in my right hand. 1 maosged to reach 
my homo in Bsyawater owing to the timely assistance of 
a friendtv policeman, but 1 have not yet solved the mys- 
tery of the " double hand." It was certainly remarkably 
ooriooB. Tours enigmatioally, Doqelb Dckbi. 

SiBj— That thirteen -trump deal can be managed, and 
1 've had recourse to it mvself — on (locasiona. very suu- 
oeaafuUy ; but it's too flashy for good steady advantage 
play. For this I have always found marked Docks with. 
of course, a little attentiiin to thf tnm-up, the safest and 
most naefal method of procedure in thoronghly respeot- 
ahle and nnsnspeeting circles. Of course, there 'i 
Qanky-Panki- leuitable for all games; hut. speaking 
for myself^ 1 never feel uuit« so at home as I do at 
fcarU. Give me my New York coat with manipulating 
eleeres.and a oouole of kings up each cuff, and there's 
no one— not even Major Smooth himself —who '1! prove a 
match foi Yours, vwy truly. Vow Tsuxr. 

TWO 8TRIKTNQ TESTIMONIALS. 

Upwaxds of three hundred persons prcMOted Hr. 

PoLLiTiaa, the eminent violinist with a tevtinonial tn 
the shape of a gold repeater. Was the gift a deliaat« 
reminder to him to be as correot in hia time as in his 
tune ? it so, it was scarcely eomplimentary. Or was it 
to intimate that Mr. Pollitzeh should follow the es- 
ariiple set by hia new repeater, and always take an eoMn 
when pressed? "Brother" PiiiXLvsoK, Grand AU-sorts- 
of.dignities of the North, Bonth, East and Wert, abo 
received a splendid repeater tn reoognitioo of bis 
valuable services rendered to the Pmry Ijno Mascoio 
Lodge. Every act tbo Band of Brothcm perform ia,Og 
ought to be, symbolical, and so the I'resentation of a 
valuable gold repeater, should mean that a Bratfacr in 
distress ma«t never forget that he haa an Upol* «T«r 
ready to assist him : that, if in trade, one Uasoo ahoiUd 
be always willing to ■•tiok"anothor Mason: tli*t"taad 
works" are absolutely necessary • that " Hands" Btut 
never strike,— that not being tbeir department; aad 
fioallr that by constantly wearing the repeater, Uia 
riuhest, the strongest, of us will t>e perpejnally re- 
minded that he ought always to keep a gMd wauii on 
himxlf. Such are the words of wisdom from the noatk 
of The Cniversal G. M. Punch. So moia U b«,' Sow 
from Labour to Eefreahment 1 




f^ 



iUttm 3, 186^1 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARH^ARL 



107 







Soa*a af Commoni, itanday Night, Ffhrttary 'iO.— CxiVTHlia- 
niMiQajliUM b»ck to-night. Gal Inry crowded, in Mpedatipn of 

rtaek. Qiuniu had half promiHd lahitnu rtmni reprei*DtiiiB 
PriMiiut ot PantauriUc. was to have «ct«iwl ia jtaol clotbt*. 
duJtisK clltail tX hMl, witb bowl of ikillT under Ivit auu, and 
miiBeltisg olnmk of braad, NothicK of the kind. Put on Lia h«>t 
dothaa, nil4 'looked verr fit. Much dUappuintmciit in StrauHcrs' 
6«UaTT. Wutod to ban their aonef retumcd. {}o&tn culted tip 
Is ftxpuin that, in present atata of fimmoM of lodis, dunand oould j 
not b« (BtartaiiMd. | 

Fitn and Caumm, aomn of thq tarlipd " iraitf ' of thn fninom 
HitaluMoWAtakRTaiiithat QnnciiRN wu aakintc aWt .on Fridar 
lltrbt, fMUnd amid loud ohccrn. Cntn.iM rtmimnl Debate on 
Addreta, niUtnit atltntiua t<) Atrrioiiltoral neprtiuinni in RDila&d, E 
welonna d>anff« from Ibe twHnjtinjc of Eriu'H ttwrlantmir harp. 

Howxxti VuTCERT touk opportuTiity of rtcommt^ndinir Prot«otion. 
Bat th«M tie eiplaincd oniy preliiniuarf rcmarki. Will at lat«r 
•ta^a aabnit (be qneation in formal roaooer. Afritatioo on Trtaaury 



Bench ; oba^rviii^ which, Howaxk Yikcsht Rood enough to aaj 
that he " did not mttnd to iiDp«Til eztttence ot the pre sent patiiotio 
aoTfnimeDt." Old Horalit; retfinnd. Ookhkh gratified. 

Altar Ifala. dtbate natuially lftii)«d iotu iliecuMion on Indian 
flnandal aSiui. Sir IIicbirii TxurLE, tacULuitiK to make i<p««ob on 
thli tnijtet, BtralcitiuaUy oci'upitd earLvr buura ot hittiHB in 
irymnaslja eirrvLM on Beucib behind Miniature. Pruowdinfca 

Etiiuliar. Cluict his tita and opens his moulbj dropa his miLiiive 
Bsd backward till it anma as if it muit bitak of! ; then puIU it np, 
starei wildly aifjuud, otusu hii ryea, upenx bis moolh, and soon aa 
capo. Colonel PiuEi', who lili juilbtlund, tcllame bo boa practised 
a IilUe maEiL-uvTe with hii romprtiKd opttu-hnt- 

" Can at a mntOFiit'i notice '' he uva. " use it as a obtr|[«r on 
which lo rrceive Tiluflx's bead, should it bicak off, as it is sure to 
do lomfi night." 

Tin Bkalt, who is with oa for a fcrw days, and has hia Icn! mind 
tilled with poiota btarin^ on the qn«*tion of BTTtat wiUiin the 
prtotncta of the Bonae, BWODdenlood the dtmonstratioa. TWa^Jeih 



108 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 3, 1888. 



C' 



/ 



th* Knight of th« Star of India VM trrinic to ko to ileep. Ti» 
had plaora on pap«r notioe to atk Mr. SrRAKRR whether he regarded 
thit Btaoaubf "arnt within the, pieoinott ol the Houie. Saw 
hit error in lime. 

Tkuplk lillii mu that this phenumBDon, which loinvtimeB parftlysei 
CKr«d«d llou"-. it an civraiee lOmethinir v( ths tnmtage kind, voly 
muoh mrjrci (lltaauiuua. Wundecfuliy ntriuhinii:. be nays, and wants 
E. S. FowLKK to try it. But, ai Fo»(.KKBiiys, it'« a maltirof neck 
ta nuthinir, and Nataro hu giTcn the Alderman more nothing than 
ntolc Jfiiiineit tioim, — Horn debate on Addresa. 

TuMifiijf.-AuTnuH Balfook really in low tpirlti to-night. 
Knpi nji nppBariDoe* before the Houae. Bnt in priFata inttrcourae 
with B oonteoial fiul dieeloaeit di'apair. Ttlla me ne never quite got 
onr tlw 8«|E9 of Queen Anne'« Giit->'a annuo nctmi'nt ot hiuuvlf a« a 
duoi^le, « conftrt ^t that icrtut wurk entitled -i Ih/cneo <•/ Philo- 
sophte I).i!ibl. Ali>r,iy> tti'iuirht prettr well of th« bixjk till then. 
How TJaWH it with Kortt liiinor. Furtively biiy« up »tray copies, 
and bums llwm at midnight Heavier atill the blow fallen upon 
him tu-niicht. The Sage haviuff bailed nim 
01 a Maiti-r, the Sadie's cotlesKue at Northamp- 
ton now uluima liim as a disi^iple. By some 
fatatity. u if he had nut enuuich to contend 
with in Irtlind, AiiTuoM (rot himself entangled 
to-m([bt in debate on eondilionof the Crolters, 
Delivered liiraiiwiia speech, troninR the aause 
iiDnlly to over-population ; wherem»n BH*a- 
LAiroit g«ts up. recalls his own life-long 
crneiule aRainst orer-populutton, raptnroualy 
weioi'ine* bii new and u.neip'cttd colleague, 
and holds out aoroea floorof House amoreor 
less "'oiny 'and.'' 

"It's ton wuoh, ToBT," said Il.n.Foi7n, in 

a wearjr vuiuo. and placing his feet smiaijc the 

other omanients on the uhiniQey-piei^t' in the 

Cliit'f Seortlary's private room. " Labbt gave 

me a sore slab with bis approval of mj 

])amphlrt. But Bkadl*ooh has yiveo me a 

-^^\T iW-jM death- blow. I shall give up potiliM, 'rolira 

-^ . ASl ' from Parliament, and take to writing atticlea 

in The A'inclrfiith Centuiy.'' Slid what I 

oould to cheer him, and hope he'll reconsider 

his determination. But is evidently hard hit. 

House busy to-night diicusMog sad oondi- 

tioaof Crofters. Cskrbok moved an Amend- 

ment in a oirefnliy- prepared epeeoh, whioh 

TbeCameren Pibtorb. toldamBlanoholy story of hopeless destitution. 

It wu this that led ABToim BAi.roun into tb« pitfill- It was all, 

ha aaid, dae to overpopulation, and the oaly remedy is emigration. 

" Sams paltoy in destitute Scotland u in distressed Ireland," say* 
Tm QuLY, who hasn't left as yet. " ' Register ! Register ! 
Register I ' used to be a political shibboleth. Now it 's ' Emigrate 1 
Emigrate I Emigrs(«!''' 

Batiiui* ilont. — CnilltTt' Amendment 
to Address rtjeuted by 191 rotes to 133, 

rAunJo^.— In the Lords, Sibatb- 
kdkh-skii-Csui'heu. turns up quite 
fresh aftar long lileoce of K«cets. It is, 
M usual, l':iirope that conct'ms him. 
Can't sleep o' nights thinking of Bol- 

Kk. Baggwt* a Conferenoe. Hints 
t now tbe Uarkiss is too mnch en- 
Mg«d in home affairs to undertake the 
duly, prrbiips he (.'^.-.tND-C.) might find 
lime to attend Conferenoe us Briliah 
Commissioner. Usual thing, wbeii 
SiuAiuKiiEN- Asn-CsHPfiRLL BQCceeds 
in riling, far Markiss to have pp»iiu1 
engagement rlsowhere. To-night sUved 
on. Appeaiid to be Unteniug. Thus 
enomiraged S.-xnd-C. enlarged upon 
nibjcot. Brought in loose pasnasi* of 
Mieeohe* preparud any lim? smeo lierlia 
Conftreno*. Tacked them together ocr- 
how. 8bi>velled them out, and renllj 
ernoyod him?elf. 

Hrk«cukli. standing at doorwiy 
mtehed HurkiBs with amaicment. 

" What Hh.!np tor 

Cp to tii» mark, thst was quite oertain 

Sken lie rose, and t*) amazement of few 
smber* present, and supreme Eatisfao- 
tion of Hu-AVD'C. gravi'ly dituuFScd the 
lutter. Talked epigram matiL'ally about 
Conferanctt and th''ir proWilc ri-iuUs ; 





"Willi II bo uyiiyi" 

. Hinted " what is called the 
Ofnixft uf Sarvpe : " jjb«l at the Institutions of Bulgaria" working 




"Jurt arrived!" 



in a Bortof way," and airily diipoted of apprehensions of war abiot 
■0 small a matter. 

" What II he at 7 " HcxficSKLL, hkvinK left hi* post of obMrvk- 
tinn and dropped in on Front Bench, ifeked Gbanvillr. 

" Don't you see Che substautinl C/iB standing behind the shadow 
uf SrBATUKOKK ? CzAH promulgstvd tbia morning his views about 
Bulgaria, nnd the Marki<» Hods A -and-C useful for once in bit life. 
Talks to him and at tbe C/iR. Keatly very prettv." 

"AU very well, my I*rd,'' said Kobedkiii to Hukias. when they 
net in the cloak-room. " But you 'It hare to suKer henAfter. 

You've wound np SuurnRnm-ASD- 
Caui'hell. and yju'll have him s«ing 
every night for months to oome. 

"That's true," said the Msrkias. 
Kloomily. " I wish ws oouM get 
braATBFiiKK to pair with Caupbux 
for the rest of the Session." 

In C-ommons that arch agitator, 
Shaiv-Litfevuk, tells of his hair- 
breadth 'soapes in Ireland: how hu 
defied the Governmeut ; and how an 
Eseoutire, backed by an innumerable 
force of mailM men. quailed betoTD 
his oalm but soarohing gtanoo, and 
furtively put sumo one else ia prison. 
" Autobiitgraphicttl," was Ajkthcx 
Balfodk's eneeriog criticism on this 
latest contribution to debate on Irish 
affairs. Thereafter took his own turn 
iiir (omethliig over an hour in iqiOj, 
To speak for lesi than an hour on 
Iriih'atfairA has ooma to bn n mirk of mmn 
spiriledness. The other night OLADSIMmM 
angry with Aktiicu BiiFdnK tor nteAkioff 
an hour and forty minutes that he took 
two hours and Ave minutes to rebuko him. 

BaiitttM ifi(»e.— Ruport of AddrcM agr«ed 
to. 

Friday, Mi'!nig\t.~X>01ikLt> Ccbuik just 
arrived from Cspe, where, Wilfuio Lawwh 
tells me. he has been enj^uged in missionary enterprise. " Olad I 
□aught the boat," be Bald, in his breath lusa manner. "Wouldn't 
have missed this for anything." 

Gomfcthing, indeed, to see. Since (House nwt at half-past four, it 
has achjevtd Ciiniplcte somersault, turned itself inside out, or done 
sny thing elHe that 
looKs or sounds 
earthquaking. 
Under Conserva- 
tive Government 
bloodless revolu- 
tion brought 
about. Every- 
thing changed. 
Going to begin 
sittings where 
sometimes in old 
days leftthemoff. 
8feji;eb to be 
putto bed at mid- 
night, or one 
o'clock, at very 
latest. 

" Nunc dim- 
mittii .'" says 

JOSOPB OlU.13, 

dropning into 
Frcncn, as is his 
wont wntu deeply 
affected. "No 
more larks. No 
moie All-night 
Bittlngs. No mors 

nothing. House _,, ^ „,..„ ^^.„,.^. 

was getting so jour tpe«uh uncDmrnaDl; *r«li ths other aight, 

respectable, think you had it in ym*' 

thought (jf ap- Teiinf Mr, G. [pla^inf mtdtr iKt itrmtpf Bfrifrn, 

plying lor ChU- " Glad ^nii hetb i^li'iu'd wiili it: eveiybsdy uaaai to 

tern Hundrods. hki' it- You lee I ein got ■ ehince no* SMd Uiao, wbi« 

Shall now oak f'-.t *^ Sovtnwr "i not oo In the same smas." 

the Chiltem Thousands." SaiinMi done. — Rein** dcUnUMd to 

meet at Three in the Afternoon, and ahnt up kt Utdnifffat. 




C££. 



THB JETTITE PREMIEB. 



Mr. rancA ICrilie). " Btaio, Uttbttt '. Tou n's 

Dkb't 
you had it in jm 



"Hb. I.«tior(-nKBR'a AmnrimmT."— We ore glad wf hii uamd- 
ment, and hope he will go on amendiBg sntUbe is perfrctly wriL 



^^ ■"^^'■'^—X^'cud CaamaaiexUoas or CoauibaUont. whether M8.. rriated Hftttei, Stawincs. or Fioloies of any dcasnptUa, 
*^»rowtl'£' '"""''"^■. *"" »T«» "hea •eeempoatsd by a 8tftmp«& anA hA&ns*a& Ij^iseVofs, toiot, ot Wiapjer. to UU« 



Mabcii 10, 18S8.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



109 



VOCES POPULr. 

AT A DINNERPABTV, 

Id tkx Hill. 

Qnwt dueettrtd remorina emtl and Sat, whiek art foJlni fiy b Man 

%e\th a Seprortitf Eyt, atnidtt a gricttd tilmea. 

Ituttrr [(« StiiorJinalttt in fhoilly tehuper). TcU 'em the; mq 

Mn4 up M won m thsr pl«uo— now. 

Th* Otuti (to hi'muff", an th» itairn). I am tbo lut mnn thnn f 
Kepi tluiQ »U mittDKi too, I »honIiln't wonder . . . / don't oaro— 
tivij ihoulda't k«k a nui to dino <'tit the Terr eveninit bs 's b««ii^ 
toawUiw 'tiglU »f hinut^f in IS* nitmn-). Jove 1 I miutn't go in 
iDoUas likA OuA, Utoucli'— oi the; '11 tee whkt '• the nutter I 

lAtnimet a jaunty tiiiile. 
Ill TBB DRAimio-Kooit. 
CBorui of Sfardna Otittli {in undertont). Too bad. you know — 
«an'f iinderatiuiil it f . . . No one hu u;r ri^ht to ao thii lort ol 
thinr— doo't ckto uAh ha ia! . . . OeaDntllj to puuotital bare .... 
I mak« it • rate nernr wut oT*r fiva miaato) put the hoar foruijr- 
OM . . . Quite rifht Uxi, &e.., &r. 
Sulhr. Ur. St. Johh BKKn-twtxo. 

[£)«t(r laH GuMt mnin- ranemtraUd glitrt frnm lurrounding 
»(«t, irAuA A< itemt rtsthtr to fijny (Ann iithfrwiif- 
Sotttt* Ueilk imptisJ rtprwKh). i be|t&a to be iiuito kitaid B<>m«- 
thioir had baMwBM to rou. 

[Ur. B. Mmi« lAat ikr it not/ar wrong, anit mvmbUi apahjiet, 
Batlrr {r».ap a 44 u i»g afler o momtnt't ptate ouUide th» door). 
Dinnsr U Mrrtid. 
Botttu (M Mr. B.). I.et me »t«— do yon know Hii* FL*vnowit P 

Jtfr. n. (wAo hat bfiin rrjfctfd hf/ the yonng lady in JMCtfum (Aoi 
T«ry <i/f«r>*oiin). I— ih— iZ» knov Uiii KLtuiiuivK. 

iAdi*—"ut latt!" to himiel/ biUtrly and/f4U it1l*r. 
JSWfM. ISmb I want you to take h«r in, plaaae. Yoa woo't mind 
bcdncolowlfttballro}' 

[Mr. B. Ikinkl A« htu h*r>i riH-y eht* ta thffirt already. 
A Pattmal OU OenlUman. A mo«t oharmioK young l»dy~I 
00nrra1nlat« you, Sir, — ohir-minj{! « 

ifr. B. {adr^iineing lo Mim t'LlMBOWB teith elaborate indijf*Ttnet). 

I brlinf* 1 'n to take you in. 

Miu P. {looking down, and hoping h» dotin'l m*an to bt " tiUy.") 
I betieva r«u an. 

Ok Till BTAtci. 

3fr. S. {tJiiniing h«'d ittltr my lomtlhiny). Hare yon heM out 
at alt to-day F 

Mill F. Oolf in the morain?— «ueh a wretehcd day, hasn't it 
bean 7 [ H'iihtt (A« 'd laid lomelhing lUa. 

1£t. B. HatitP Well, it vai rather a diamal afternoon, Dow I 
soma to think of it. 

Jftw F. (deddiny la lake thii tiltrally^. Oh. T«y— hut, aftsr all, 
on* mnrt a^Ptot a little nnpleaiiatocas joat at thi* time of tho jwr, 
anatn't omnr 

Mr. S. Ob, JM— yoa can sat n»ed to anything if yoa only maka 
np your nind W it P [ TAin^ A# u carrying it «ff rathtr wtll. 

At TBI DtsyKS-TiaLS. 

Min F. How prettily Uis table 'a arraoted, Itn't it?— thooeh I 
aerer qviu like to eM nowera atrewn oareuaaly about, du yua > I 
mean, it acems such a bUv. you know. 

Mr. B. (ipilh a frfblr tilUmpt to bt cuniral). Oh, I don't luppoae 

tkey mind ranch, after they 'n nana plnokcd— aoonor thny (tet the 

VA OTBT, the bettor for them, I ahould think, (/i afraid Aa Inn 

gone too/or.) Aren't yaa tnkinir tutbat? you ihould— Jt'i capital! 

[5iru//»ioi taint inosM/uit with an rfart. 

Mitt F. I'm sUdyou'refnjoriDgit {fiht erumhlt* htr ^ad. 

Mr. B. I had no lunchwra thin morning', you 8*e-and to— [lay 
ifntcn hif knife andfirk) that BJTet a felliiw an ippcdM. jou know. 
{To Foolmiin, icAw fiiyt, " Sherry or 'Ofk, ttirf") Hook. 

Miti F. ((o kerielf). I don't beliere he mind* a &>(— and yet, be 
hain't liDiehed hia fiih. after all ! 

Mr. S. [in aniicrr to Ai'i other neighbour). WoU, no, thfm ian't 
mnoh dobi juat now, I 're been msiiniBK to (jet awav for a Jnna 
time— fo abroad and rongh it a bit, don't yon know. [lit hat raiifd 
bit I'fiea unroniciouily for benefit of Mill F.) Start next week at 
the latf it. 1 hope. 

Mill F. {abitntly, to htr otknr neighbotir, icAo it lulling her a 
fttnny ttory about Sydnty Smith.) How rrry Intertating — and you 
WW that yonrMU I 

[TS» mifhhoitr puU her i/uirn menlaUy ai a pretty idiot. 

Miu F.{U> Mr. B.) Did I iiear yonaay you were piioy abroad jut 
BOW— where did yon think c( iroiue '■' 

Mr. B. Ivha Aoi onlyjuit thought of it). Wall, I aball mn over to 
th« UoefctM and ihoot emrXiai. 

MtM F. Do you think von noald loww that oaodle-thade a little ? 
Thanka. fiboot grixrllta t Ton will kkt that, won't you f 

TOL. ZOT. 



Mr. B. Inaumaaly, [Tt Footman.) Champaffn«, pleue. 

Miu F. I anppiM* ym h«Te fricula out thert- ? 

Mr. B. I had a Mend who went out Bome tima afo. 

Mitt F. And yon are soins tu join him 't 

Mr. B. [eantettly). Shouldn' t be aorpriaed if 1 did— foooer Of later. 

Mitt F. Is he lettlcd mit there, then f 

Mr. B. Settlixi;' oil. jn-he'i utttlcd. 

Mill F. And lin lilcpi thfi oountry ? 

Afr. B. Ho wasn't therp long enough to tell — fell down a cliff, or 
aomethinar. and wni killnd, out ahmtinr, poorohap 1 

Miu F. {'^t*r plauing tcith iin tntrrr). I hope you '11 be oarefol, 

Mr. B. ir oh. / alialt bo careful enoujth— one taku* ona'a ohanoii, 
you know. By the way, will you let me aend you homc> a tkin, if 1 
have anylnok with (he yurrAx^t? . . . yon'd rathi^r I didn'tP I 
auppoaa I oiwhin't to haTu oSertid—l ne<r«r know about thcao thinga 
—I mnat wail, then— till— till I hear newa of yon . , . were you 
lookinc fo( aomethinK f 

Mitt F. Ooly a lilUe water, ploaae. 

Otkh tmr Cioakkttm^ 
Hotl {to Mr. B.) And how did yoa get on with that Hiaa Flam- 
bow*, ch, RiixsrwiscQ .* Nice girl, ian't ahe F 
Mr. B. Verr. 

lUtlp* himttif ta tailed almondt—^ehith h* dM*n'HH4. 
Rati {etmfidtntiaUy), Saw that 'i a rirl Dow— a yonng fellow tike 
yon . . ■ ohanoefocfoa . . ■ minhtdo wurse. eh? 

Mr. S. Itikmaa agarttlt and iciihing Mit hand ttmildn't thakt to 
confniimiedly). Well, yon aae, Bir — ai to that— (/auf A« uarAwurJ/y) 
well, there are two aidta to ercry qutstion, aren't there ? 

MimI. 1 tell you what. RHaKTwixe, you Toung m»n are too lelfiah 
nowadsys— yon don't likn to giTo up your oniba, and y-Jur ohambera, 
andaliyoar baahalareoJoyDienU,— not if tt'atomarrr the niooatgirl 
in the world— that '■ what it ia I 

Mr. B. (laughing again unittadSy). That '■ about the troth of tt, 
Sir,— we're a poor lot I 

Cperaiu. 
Th* H/utfii [to Mitt F.) And ao ^on ban nMt jmr 'neithhoiu 
b<fort>? Uo'a quite a favonrite of mine— only fait (faoaldn't ewne to 
late to dinner. I hop* you found him amiulnf F 

AfMj F. Oh, cztmniel;— he 'a going out to Amtriea, he eaya, to— 
to afaoot bnara, of (omething. 

Jtnurn. lie nenr taid a word about it (« me. What can h« want 
toroiholf likeUiatforP 

3fu( F. He didn't tell me that. 
\Sh* xi^atrht* the door under her tyttathtt, lU tha mtn enUr: 
Mr. BnniTWiKO mgaget in an animated t o m*n a t io n wUk m 
UvtlyvOMng lady at the iithur end iifth» notn. Hie PMwBbI 
Old Cnnttetaatt eoinf up and enl-ertaint Hiat FultBOWl 
with elderly altenttimi for tht rfil nf the iveninf, vhteh th* 
apptcri to appreciate highly. 

Ih thb Hall. 

Mr. S. (wAo hy Ihi ntereit aeeidrnt hai laktn hit ttan th* mommt 
tffUr Hiai r.) Are they getting you n oab f 

[Coldly, foMiia F. ahom hafindt btloa. 

Miti F. It'aoutaide — I'm only waiting for my maid. Oood-night 
— or 1 Buppoae I oujfht to aajf- Qood-byo f 

Mr. B. [itijft'/]. After tbia afternoon, I ahould Imagine good-bye 
waa tho -mly ihiojf to iny. 

Mitt F. And you ooufdn't manage to oome and ae« me juat onoe— 
before yon go away to your bcian? 

[Tumi atidt to arrange hrr hood. 

Mr. B. I tould, of oonrae.—only 1 don't ejtaoUy sen what the good 
of it would h« I 

Mitt F. Of ooune you are tbti hf it jndga of that— I only thoujtht 
yon miglit Had it worth while prrhnpa. 

Mr. B. LccELU. I Do you mrna . . , P 

Mitt F. (it ihe gett into eab). 1 mean that I don't alwayi quite 
know what 1 do mean, Oood-night. 

Mr. B. (loliloguitiHa on pavemnnl). If I da go. (he "11 only make a 
fool of mu again. ... 1 won't g'^e h*r the ohanoc. ... At leaat, I '11 
think over iL [ JValkt homt, and thinkt ovtr it. 



Platiki with Mohxt.— Nut gambltog. bat aotinjf. ThoA. P.C. 
of Cambridge muit bo in llnnriihio? ciroumetanoea. They gave 
Moneif laat week. Tho coatumier lot tho Club have bis beat droaaea 
for Money. KTcryt!iinj( waa done for Munt'j that money oonlit do, 

and (o money oauie in. and Monty "want" uno>^mmunly wtJl. Aft«r 
Saturday afternoon them waa no mor* M'/ney, but it may b« hoped 
by au Uld tjtaffrr that the Club r*-«9iiped l(<ell. 

Elxctbic LioBTiKe n tsk Crrr.— Will the City Fathen fiva 
"the Bniah eyttem" a fair ehanoeP The name ia ton ingMeiiTe 
of a aweepSng neaanre to Knd favoor with the douKht-j «li«K7««e*tA. 
fine uM Teatcd uitcresta. 



\ 



no 



PUNCH. OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Mabch 10, 1888. 




A SILVER WREATH FOR A SILVER WEODINQ. 

Uaeub 10, ms. 




" Wsi£oxs, (sir Bride I ma j thy life be u 
•wott 

Aa the fpriss-llowfrt o'er Uim Rvng 1 * 
So Kiuid«d forth in the Street of FItet, 

From Ptmoh't lofkl tonitue, 

"yimat a th* PnendoD," p. 110, t«l. 




Hti Bridftl Ode, prepared to (teet 
The fair, th« bright, the ;ou.D)t. 

Tweatr-lire Teara ana I And novr 

Peitaniil PuficH tUpa furtti. 
With beet hwd, ererMumpt to bow 

To Heauty uitl to Worth. 
Oode more with liowen to wreathe thy broir, 

Ikar l.tdf from the North I 



" lioit-m-Si.lfil," * he oaUed bet Umo, 

Oar Maid of IVnmark fair, 
A aUver Roee-in-^an ! Airain 

Loud »hoQt)D|t« read the air 
Prom read; lipt of loyal men^ 

Again the trucnpeta blare I 



■ Sm "The Bow in Sua" (KvwaKV ma 
FovftTu'B UvmrM mgnmiiee), p. 133, rtL xUf. 




UjMm 10, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 



Ill 




"SHIVER OCR TIMBKES;" 

A QcrrnciQ, shiwicK upen, and & wMfiiaf villoir, 

m&mb, b«t k Oro4ninK 0«k u wmemnff new. 

il trnc, Agoordinic, hmrerer, to some mrre- 
ic B Hamptitre pBper, there lii, or Utelr wu, ■ 
,, I'ree Bt I.jTuiiigton, whioh nstoninhod Uie natiTe* 
Ot the New F(ire»t, A limUiir prodtfy, within the 
Ii»BmoTj' oi mmi, for eighteen or twnnty months toRether, 
■t the rillog-e of Biuide«leT, crvnUd Bmuement ftnd nnn- 
■tmiAtioD in the oouctrr loand. This portent U 
TMorded to have been a Ui^ elm, which grew in the 
gu^on of K poor oottwar4 Appmatlritwasyoimg uid 
vifrrnT:!, hot ftt Jltamll tOWtod « Itnnge nnisn, lil» 
that of a penoo ill «xtnmo Utntr. It< owner s.t lonfrth 
bond A bote ia th* tnak of it. uil &fter that it never 
ttouttdaitsls. BaBiuIIf root«d it up, but fixind nothing 
toon to MOonnt for its doLef nl utteruiccs than the philo* 
Mnhv diMatered when he ont hii bellows open to >ee 
where the wind camo from. We're all heard of the 
Hahocan; j(ruiniii^ on the niu«t festive oeoiuioni. Con- 
sidcrini; that the (aks of Ilodonn gave ottt oraoles, and 
that trw* of cliaiirjil nnticiuitv were tenanted hy Hama- 
dryads, the Psychinal iiA»enrch Society mnj perhaps oon- 
riaer it worth whil^ to inTBBtiftate the weird, eene, and 
nneanny mani testa tions eihibited by these grotuiing 
tr«ea, unleti tbey class them with the Hoax of Oodona. 



A PLtCET Pair asp a GoLomr Wkihuho.— A short 
time aso whatwaadesaribedas" A Eomanlio Marriage " 
tookuW. When the Dutch Emigrant Ship, IT. A. 
ScMlm, waa lost, a Miss Oold showed immense jplock, 
and be^rred all the English aboard to join hands ami 
rink to(ic-tW, One T. Mitchell of Van Buren, U.S., 
had advertised in Enf[huid for a wife. Miss Quui wu 
amnnfc those who had replied. Iteal pluck orain. A« she 
onnldn't p> ont to "join hands " with him, the advertieer 
trarelled to Eni^land and "joined hands" here. Which 
waa the plaoVier of the twoP Con any husband be 
wfsbfHl better lock thao that his bride may be as good as 
Gold? 



"Fob Etek ahd fob Etkr," at Toolb'b TsEiias. 
— If namts ttinify anything, there ii a yoruig Actress 
likely lu remain on the ttajre tor a very long time, — Miia 
E^Alfoom. "UQothtUcUaTeo.ET.iMooBi!" 




OCCASIONAL. 

B!iu Rihbim Ourale. "TiTT-T-T, ds*ii k*, Jahm, mu in ntl TitlSD TiKI 
I 'te SEan rotl cOMtNa OCT or THAT FlTBLto-BOirsS!" 

Thinly ArtUaii. "TSASU 4U., SiB. Voi7 DON'T tiiikk '■hsct'blb Bai'aB 

WOBEKAR (-AH SnPKIl' ALL 'SB TiMB l!> 'GlKHI-inOP I " 



BACILLUS OUR BANE. 

>Oon!-LTKK baleful Baoillni, 

i'ntuui^hed by our potions and pills, 

Tou e^ler to conqaer and kill m. 
The taint that brings terrible ilia. 

Yon lurk in the air and the water. 
The prrsogR of peril and pain, 

Yea itride on aortno to onr slanghttr. 
Bacillus oQi bane. 

Ton must have existed for nfes. 
But ne'er in the pist yon appear 

In mystioal medical psRee : 

When snddenly. lo ! yon are here. 

Tboairb olinute« be Arctio or Tropic, 
Yon ooine with disensn In yonr train ; 

Sttn tnrely on slide microioopio, 
Bacillus onr bane. 

" J)e minimu non rural Ux " il 
A motto we've all heard before*; 

The tiny Bsoillus that veies, 
No medical man can ignore. 

The smalleat of things in creation 
An eminoooe high may attain | 

Von pull d«wa the hnod of a nation, 
Boeillns our bane. 



Thontli MIU folks dcnv yunr existence, 
Thonsh flerco pbyiioioi{is1< liiht, 

With JMinfnl nnplMsiDg perristenoa, 
PraifOTi bring n«w ones to1ij>ht. 

Bub boaiti of the one he detected, 
Its beantici will gladly exptaia ; 

I* onr admiration r^pected ?— 
fiacillos oar bane. 



While knowledge is power, recognition 
Of such horrid atoms as theae, 

Each like s malefic magician. 
Can scarce be eipeotad topleaae. 

Although we 've endeMonrw to ijuit it. 
It smiles vibrionic diadain^ 

But don't bother as with a Tuit, 
Bacillus our bane. 



OLD EHYME. 
ILifolly rttl ) 

At yonr nardon. Gbanthah graoe, 
Pnt the Cat bach in iU plaoe.' 
' Where Is "it* place" wlipn onoo lot out of 
Ihe b»g >— Kd. 



A Mnmno, Hr UAsmBs. — The Ter- 
oenteoary of tbe Spanish Armada ii to be 
comma moratwl by an elaborate aonlfitim 
erected on Plymouth Hoe, reprewnttng 
Britannia with burners and other aoees- 
series : medallions also of Dr.iee, Rai.eioh, 
FnouinnKE, and Hawki.'(«, and a broiue 
tablet illnstrating the deetruction of the 
onemy'i fteet, ooapled with an inscription 
attributing iti diiperrion to the winds. 
Certainly, the winds did blow, and the in- 
vaders wore Mattered ; hut that was a oon- 
tingenoy hy no means lik«ly in thn time of 
lUM to ooooi igun, and the only complete 
ttmatmanSm of the Spunixh Armsda re- 
malna to be effected by the formation of 
sneh a Navy, as, with adequate coast 
deftmoe. will sumoe to blow any future Fleets 
ot oombined (oreigneir* out of uie water. 



A PICKWICKIAN DI.\LOGUE. 

BfiOTB— OiKnif* the Ohbe Theatre. 
"That's my card. Sir. Bakbktt, you 
will perceive. Sir,— BinRin is my name. 

It 's rather a good name. I think. Sir 'f " 

" A very ifO'id name indeed," said Mr. 
Punch, wholly nnohin to repress a lanile. 

" Yes. I think it is," reinmed Mr. Baii- 
RETT. There 's a gotxl name before it. too, 
you will observe . . . There—' Wit*)S B*it- 
ubtt' sounds well, I think. Sir?" 

" Ve^," said Jtfr. PuncX, 

" Xflitotte't a good name, too— C^iub 
Mr!naUe~hai ' Wilbok B.iaaETT as Claude 
Melnille' is an attraotivo adTertisemtnt, 
1 think. Sir?" 

" t^rtoinly," said Afr. Punch. 

" I apprar now and then as Claud* Sfel- 
luitl*. and it pleases my friends very muoh." 

" It is calenUted to afford thiim thehifrheet 
gratitlciLtioa, 1 aboold aonRrivi.','' eaid Mr. 
Punch, rattier anTTiut the ease with which 
Mr. WiiMV BlBRZIX^ friends were enter- 
tained. 

"Now, OnUemen," said the Aoting- 
Hansger, approMhing thorn. "AU in to 
bogin I " 

Oraoefolly Mr. Wilbos TlnuBlrrr bowod 
to Sfr. Punch, as tho latter ttepjied into his 
hansom and was driven oS io the dirtcUoa of 
Fleet StTMt. 



AppBonirATE. — In any re-»djmtment of 
Parliamantory smU, Hr. Sxunn o^ht to be 
the Member for Bury. 



113 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 10, 1838. 



REAL TREE TRADE; 

[The " Bairptanr Ltttar Pott ComptuT " U fKoMttt to (ir« tba publio, 
by mvitni nf '• ■ nnrd tjiMm o( •d'vrtiiinf." U •nwlop*, * •h»''t of note- 
paper, ud ■ ptDtif (Ump, tor DDe bilfpenn]', " withaul %aj Ioh to th* 
i«T«no«.") 

K. V. WiK«Lit. K*j., a member of that «miopnt Citr V\tm known 
u Mram. ScusxicKB, SchxjlFps. ft Co., rabb«d hi* «yfi, itretohed 
*'''"t"i ftUt Mid, ia • ourLoiis]; hu*kr Toioe, wbioh he hudijr 
r««OMlMdwU««ini:—" How long have 1 been MlMpf It miut 
bt tune to fo t» the omce." 

B* pnt on hb ou&t mil set off for the Roilwav SUtion. He wu 
■tklUed when ha arrived thero to find crerjrthing wemed to be 
ohmKed. Inalesd ol a grimy, dranghty, little ronm, with s fitior of 
wet planlw, wht-ro he h»d slwayi been ttOPU>l«nted to take hia tioliet 
(or Town, hu beheld ■ Oothio buildinp, with mnrhle vIUbji. and a 
portiia oni«ment*d with priwlets »tatueii of all the Direolora of the 
(.'ompsiij'. St«pjiinff injiidBj ha could hardly belieye that that 
Hall of I)a7ilins Li^ht waa in vsry tmth the llof,kinK-o(!ioe, From 
the hand ot a haonze Naiad in the oentre of the bniloine, i fla>hin|r 
(trcain poured into a poroeUln fouDtain, iUamioatad by hundreda of 
clpctrio lishte. 

He looked for the pigoon-hole where an OTer-«oii*d clerk had 
been in the habit uf nuirnly dispcnsinK tidketa to trayell^re. 

The piiteoQ-hulL' had diEapiMnred I There woa a bandnumply dre«*ed 
mm walkiuK abuut the hall, and R, V. Winklr, ultcrly dazed at 
the ohauKu wbioh had taken plane, thrjiight he wuuld inciuire where 
the tiokcl-oUioo might he. The handacimely dretied man waa. aa he 
diaoovered to hia mtfloie (utoni>hraent, a portorl R. V, Winblr 
ocjuld hardly hrlipve hia fiyt» when he taw the well-known buttoni 
on hia beat Melton coat, and the embroidered gold-band round hii 
pluib Dap, denoting hia atittna. 

" There i* no ticket- otiloo. Sir," he replied, in apparent irarprise ; 
" there wu one hera, I beliave, twenty years ago. Sat that was 
before my time." 

" Then how 'in I io get my tieket for I^ndm ? " exclaimed Hr. 
B. V. Wirmi.E. hopeleseljf bewildered. 

The F«rt>'r puiutnt )Kilitcly t') one unt of a Bufober of onrioualy 
■faaped mavhiuet it&ndmit in a row along one wall- 

"Put the amount of your faro in thaalit," be continued, "andpnU 
out the drawer." 

In inoreaiiiig astontibment, the Merchant did at be waa told. 
I'ho old fare used to be haif-a-orown, "return, aecond-elua." He 
WM iiut aboat Io hunt fur that coin in hie punie, when he >aw the 
word* '" One half-pi-ony," insoribtd on the apparatus. 

" It mnat bo a mirtake," he murumred to himwlf, " Still— this ia 
a morning of wonderi— I will try a halfpeony." 8o aaying he 
dropped that modest coin into the ilit. Palling out the drawer, he 
waa Hnrprised to find a [lauket of rait way-liuk eta preeeated to him, 
elenfttitly tied round with red silk ; they wcro liifit-elaas return 
tiokBls to Loudim. pnough to lut for a fi)rlui(rht ; but they were 
mueh larger than hu hadltnuwn befure— and on every sido they were 
oovcrtj with ttdvertiscmeata of ebeap soape. patent branf s, {umiture, 
sewing-maobincs, feeding- bottles, sensation novels, and a tioat ut 
otbor articloe. 

Mr. It. V. WiNKt.K turned to the Porter for an explanation, 

" I see. Sir," riMnniked thtit olllinal, " that ymi aiu not aoqaoinled 
with the eyslera which is n^w in vogue io all dfpartmtnta of sooia! 
«n[l domu'tio life. Everythiog is provided gratis, or almost gratia ; 
trade Is revulutioniaed ; advertisements pay for everything— the^ 
have paid fur this Station, which although decrnt in point ol archi- 
tecture, i» nothing to the Cannon Strtel Tcrmioun, the /d^rw/e of 
which is said ultorly to culipao that of the Cathedral at Milan, and 
which is sutuly cumpuacd ot nlabaater inlaid With prrcioua atones.'' 

"You suTprisu me." said R. V. WisKLlt. " 1 muat really go to 
the Poit OlUcn to get a stamp in order to write an aooouot of tbeae 
marvoU to my friends elae where." 

" Yon noml hardly take the trouble to do that, Sir," replied the 
Porter. "Tooch that button — no, yon ne«d not put in any ooin— 
and jou will have enough letter-paper and atampe to last you forthe 
reat of your lifetime." 

It was uuite true. Staggertnfc under the weight of the stationery 
which had twru jerked out at bim from the mouth of the machine, 
Mr. H. V. WisBLB oiolaimcd:— "Why. then, the oust of living 
mnit be materially reduced by thrso amngementa." 

"Coat of living!" the Porter responded. "Then joia, are not 
aware that tho butcher now prctents ua with prime joints without 
asking fjT any payment., hco»ii»e thn paper in wbioh ho wraps hia 
meat is covered with tasteful advettisemcntu, which return bun on 
anple profit without the necessity of charging his oustoraura anv- 
tbJng. The baker and KreouKri>oer proc<'ed on the same principlo, 
happy if they annereJy enabled to introduce in to a sntlicirnt number 
il pnvate hoiuM the adTCrtisint piper-bage In which tbeir^oods arc 



" Dear me I " aaid the ataggered Londoner ; "this must be rory 
gratif ying to the poor ! " 

" The Poor ! We have nona, Sir. I believe there w»re aome poor 
in London when I was a lad— but, bleis me, poverty and discontont 
are unknown. A utotnatio delivery and on eitcnjmn cl the advor- 
tiung system have oonverted Kngland into a tereatriai Paradiie." 

"DparmeT'iaid R. V. Winii.e, again. "This really snrprisea 
me. My tUop must have been much longer than 1 thungfat." 



SETTLING THEIR SUNDAY. 

At a recent sitting of the Upper Honso of the Convocation of 
Canterbnry, acoording to a contemporary it appears that— 

" The Bishop ef ExRia laid 
on the labia a peUtloc, said to 
be ligiied by on* hundred aod 
four piTSor i^incloding Uombon 
of b"tli BnUBi-i n{ PirlUnwat, 
flcrgT™"!' and oIliFts. etitiiit 
fnrlii Uiit ihsre had been of lata 
a mtrked infrvsitii fco the em* 
plo^mint of ibe sllfmeon and 
(Toning of BunJn in amuw- 
DtenU of tatiqua kinda hy tho 
upper and faihionabla ilaaswof 
BooUly." 

It adds, moreover, that the 
*■ Sunday Ont." "pastimes of rteunt date"_ar« 

■aid "to compriae formnl dinner-parties, smoking conocrls, theatrloal 
and semi -theatrical porlormsnies, oomic recitations and am-jjing no- 
grammes of fun and frolic, eibibitiona of jugglery," and >.>tlier highly 
nprebcnsihle and wicktd forms of distipaliun, including ' bminj^ at 
the Pelican Club," lawn tennis, and oven the enormitiee of visitimt 
the studios of artists perpetrated annuailv under the appalUng title 
of " Show Sunday." Why these hundred and four penona should 
take upon themselves to meddle with the nature of the " amiiscmonte 
of various kinds" to which tho lishinnftble cIshm;) of Sooiety choose 
to devote their Sunday afternoons, or what good tm earth th* y hape 
to get by handing in a petition to the Upper Hoiuool the Cmvooation 
of Canterbury on the subject, ia not very oioar. They might, how- 
ever, throw some light on the matUr by a litllo further and fuller 
definition of some ot the "pastimes ol recent date to which they 
more particularly object. It would be interesting no Icaa to know 




or a Sunday rendering. Mnoh mystery is again suggested in ta* 
prohibiUon put on an "'^amusing programme of fun and frolio. 

What, too, ia meant by tho dead set mode at exhibitions ol jugglery r 
U this aimed at a tittle innooeul Irgcr-df-main. or is it de«tin«l 
only to crush the professional wiiard and his stock aptiaratutr Ot 
the " holing at the Pelican Club " with which the hundred and four 
tietitioncrs appear to be familiar, it is more diflicnlt to apeak; but 
the attempt to abolish "Show Sunday" may fairly be chartolwiaed 
as rather imperUnent. Our Engliah Sunday is none too WVely «* 
lively an inatitution, but as yet neither the upper nor the lower 
classes of English Society have shown any tendency publicly, » 
desecrate it. When tboy do. it will be time enongh. if not for the 
Upper Houae of the Convocation of Canterbury, at least lor tlie 
Publia Opinion of the country t.> dpress i Well upon the mattef. 
Meantime, grandmotherly interference had better let it alone. 



EXTRACT FROM " EVKLYX'8 DIART." 

Frh 12.— This day paid off all my Deptford. Made up ray mind. 
Bade faroirelUo Coercion. Oblesiedday! j nr _„ 

F,-b 13 -Heard it whispered that a little D«litr*a and a Wl^DX 
Blust are to fight for my plane. May the bett*r man win. Will 
this bo the Wilful one i ft ought not to be tbo other, ai he U not 
the Grand " Old Man's Dsrling." .:^™, 

F*b n —Came tho f Ud and nneipected oew« Ol a great viOlOTy 
over the Conserrativea and Liberal Unionirfs at Southwark. 

i'fb. 18,— Came the news from Jlampitead, not un«zpCOtcd, taal 
this seat had been won without ocpmitiuu. Ought w« not to be 
thankfulforeventheamaUestm-rciee'f 

Feb. m,— Came grievoua newa of a great victory at UonOM MT. ^ 

Frit, -a — Wr«fB U my agent Ui inquire into matten .oMieannf 
con tnmocirjua tenants, . ,. . l to ^.t.„ 

Fili. 3W.— Conifs tho newa of the ooniuid, dobeuohd, notoaj 
manner of anti-Darliugites at Deptfotd. 8oro« abort while ago I 
too might have been a Oirlingl Lata at night oamo tidiaga by 
privati. wire o( the victory of the Darhngors, and tho doloat of tAa 
lupporUirsoj The Wilful Ono. Theio are sad and tfouhlooi Um»« ! 
I know not how it will all emd. 



p^ 



Vascm 10, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CH^VRIVARI. 



113 




ROBERT ON SPELLING. 

Weu-Tmoat nr^'^be respect &■ I Tureere* fmm my Coieu in 
Amerrykcy ii imnthink u ib moit agteeable bt mf fneliDi, more 
j^ putlklar &s I h&vea't the pleKBure of 

EDowtog nut none u( 'em. Fust thvy 
Mnd* oror reel yonnelmen u( tho P»nti> 
intcrwiow mo, bj they oalla it, nnd then 
to t«U nil the cntraUj' inqiiinitivn 
AmcrrfOKli l>eep1e nil aboat tho nilly' 
lirat«d City Waiter ru he oilUd me. 
Then I hiu n inwitation from nil the t«a 
thonmind Waiters in New York to ([o 
OT«ir there wni read my intiy»tin»t and 
«<inatio l«tt«r», m they aul«d 'em, whtuh 
I nhood mo«t «att«iily have aooepted if 
they wood hftT« nrrutteed me u cioe 
imooth pUMffe &Il tLe «&; tharo and 
bkok, but that thpy wouldn't do, and u 
my one tri&l, when I went to tho A|pin, 
proTul the favt, thut a. rullmj;. utd a 
oambollinii, nud a pitohin, and a tonin 
_ . .__ ocft don't agroo with the atilinmafik of nn 

Hed Walter, I felt oompelcd to duclino tho inwitnlion tho' it might 
haTtt Kaicd mo loin of monny. 

But both oE thL'io honnrahlo diitinktionti WM an n&think when 
compared to tho great honor a* hat ji«t bin oonferd oil me by th* 
SptUinif Hi:form Ai«)«iatioa of Amerrjkey, I have ju»t rttoeered 
Irom lio»too, free ttTatta for n'jthink, po>t paid, a niiie little jfray 
book, which I am told i« their ntinliil huritaii tho' it don't look liko 
onn, and the rcoect of which iutemates to me that in oonatcimmco of 
my long long iilfort* in the gtnai uauie uf reely sood SpeUmg X am 
acinnymouiely *lecit*>d one <'f their Counoel 1 When I menshtma aj 
til* tMt ot u" inclndva i pnifenBem of HiHRliah, and Frenah and 
QtrnWDi and four Kddit'^rs ot wartom Noose I'aperg, and a late 
dmiMeUer 111 New York— who 1 ahoud think mint have doneagoiii 
rtnka at bisiiueei there m that pnrtickier lino— pceple of powerful 
WMdgfnation may try in wane t» gneu what my te«linz of pride 
and (tratylit'Mhun miut be. Aa I haa beforo ohnorwed, everylhing 
•iimB tu tho man who oaa Wait, but I anttenly did not include euch 
a BlajtiTprcr as thia here. 1 have dewot«d a good many dpire hotiri, 
in Ihia raythrr ilafk (eason, a trying to nnderglajid my tree grutia 
trtinre, bnt 1 am bound in honiit to oonf»»>> tint my honorable 
ealicoK* haa gone (i)«h a Jkilly long waya alied of me m their eger 
kttomp* to himitate me, that 1 fLnde it oonsiderabtu dilBcuit to read 
thair book, much lees to huuderattind it. 

For inatanoe, when I Suds au Uuubu ap«]t Horn, and " to aiutoh a 
(limpte above at my Beloved." afl the poet ainga, spelt " to anaoh a 
Ctiaipa abuv at my Belutd,'' and auoh orful locking words a* thaw 
hen, "I akeoht two men on thu river one »cold and one rowd," 
I facia jiat a iei^tle bit aahomcd of my brother ProfeaMT* and 
Rddit«n for their werry hngly npnlling. 

However, I'm qnitn raidy to make all nessesiary alio wan ata for 
ynns beginners, and daresay they '11 do better when they 've had aa 
much ipnrirncn aa I have, but 1 must pn>(«at with al! my art and 
with all ray strrngh against hin»ttltinK a buti(ul Itoao by spe Uing it 
with a I, Itoio ! [which I beer a» tbey 've joat givmn the fair 
Soackstreu a test«tmonel before her dipartuher, whioh I dipploar) ; 
pnps one af the Counsel scracht his tlngen with a roao (nnn witn- 
mt uonu ncwerm) and this was the rewonne as hn took, and Apl fiiir 
S poor faapple ain't mtiL'h better. I can't too cjnitn agrci) with Per- 
feaawf WiLTEnaKKjiTwhen ho apelU wittcl™, ii".';!. 1 .Ipdinestogive 
up my dubbleyou tho he ii a I'erteaatr. And snra <>n them does uum 
it rayther atrung. Ferftuer Owm, for instance, tays, without a 
binab, that he con apell "FBoe"iii flU diffennt ways! one of 'cm 
b«in> "Ghcighich" ' 

I don't fMfat all auretlut it* qidta right for my " Spelling Heform 
AMoeiation," a> we oalla ouraeWea. to try to make eweryboildr spell 
xa«tly alike. As a troebom laglUhman I claims my right to ei>ell 
my own native Lanitwidgeiaotly as 1 likes. And that anme frcedum 
ait I clamea for myaelf 1 am gmorous enuff to grant to bother*. 
Thcro 'a a noble sense of truu British freedom when we orthors eets 
down to write with the Snn free fcnling that we ain't never obleeged 
to atop in the middel of a Ann flow of langwidgc jist t> wunder how 
sum long wuni is apnlt. Why 1 wtrrily b|(:cv¥« as cum of my werry 
pfMidwllhorta, sncb a«my diecription of the UMtureof Winks, for 
nutanoe^ beginning, " Wioks ii ram thinga, Wiuke is," and my 

SasddMlfinitionot BddioMhnn,«QdingthuB: " Propper Eddioashun 
n'tinwa SefaooUn, but thoud teach ua all, Waiters and oU, to 
Laara aiul UboW trawly to get a good Living, as the poor Carit aaid 
t« Ua Bubop," wood ha been hulterly I'.nt to the world for nwcr and 
Mr«r Ii I hadttopt in Uio middleon 'cm to wonder bow snmtbinkwa* 
■pelt, and then where shuod we all ha bin ? 

No. at at preaent adwised, I goa in for frwdom IQ everythiok, 
Spdllnn and alt, and tto I 'm werry prowd and werry mach llatterd 
at bcisK Iwketad a Coimaelier of that "Spdlisf Befora Lea;," 



in Culumbla CoUiga, New York, Amerrykey, yet I mart at pnaant 
denlTne t-] take tne pledge that I will well and trewly tiy to aptU 
aa they apells, aooordm to their ewidence, and as 1 have bin to foiyi 
n frend to their grsat «UH, pfipt tilfj may be ininioed to make a 
lamp!* oE m«, and Ut n» |4 «> ai aaa«l, free ai the hair and witb- 
ont DO tjre*. Robkbt. 

Po Scrip.— I InoloMi a' oopy eJ wenea aa I aent to my fare Keeea, 
all rilteu as the i^pelliDg L«ag demandi of tbeon aa ainea their mlM, 
and a preahus long time it tua took m« to find 'em all out ia thair 

little Oiokihuniry, 



I put by ihii hiitii of her I iuv. 

To macti a kUdi pt t<f hn Who tat abav ; 

KT'ry lim 'si ailing at 

1'hal I hufd tbfl tadi bow, [Iut. 
Tat I plaekt a rcaa ul tluvwd ttte my 



I <nit ■ neck upon a apl tr**, 
I apurdar boiw te let my lard an* 1*^ 
TbM, dlipUa ttaa wolnr UU, 
I wat ready to do haU t'^- 

To prove my torU-dav wa pan aa 



3T.JUSTIFICATI0N. 



MxtTKB Jomnr Moblet laya be doean't like beinf etUed "tlie 
St.'Jaat of our Hevolution." He oompl&ina cf Matter Qkomii 
.loiiTBiK QiiscRBt's liaving ao niokskmed bla, aad bs won't eland 



It. 
the 



At least, ao he 



pruteats, lucidlf tad logttib oioatK, thromll 
medium of thiB month's Xiitettentfi Cmlia-y. Jb*. PiiitcA 

thinkt Muster Okukuis'b phraio ought to have been "the St.'J(ut 
of tho Qladatonian Party, bcoaoto, thtu ejpTCued, "Sc-Jatt" it 
to craftily ciualifted aa to raggtat a curtain r»ombUnM without any 
attempt to pitahliah • eonpleu panlUl. Master Jouvsr oatla atteO' 
tion to M. TAiHK't highly diafgtd ud laboriooily finiibed portrait 
of 8L.Jntt, and »ays, "Lookh«t«I MB I like thtsf" No, repli** 
Mr. P., certainly not ; bat having looked on that piotare, loolc at 
thia iketoh bf CAM.rLi— " More like a Stmlent than a Senator." 
So, JoiDtBT, there yon ar« ! You who " have written hooka," aa 
Carltle tayt of St.'Just, cannot oomplain of the comparison, to far. 
Ca.ri:T1.b indeed oalli him " Yonng Bt.'Jiitt," " A yooth of slight 
■tature, irith mild mellow voice, enthuslastio olive compteiion, and 
long black hair." If this ptirtrait. witli the hetiding of a " Hnndred 
Pounds Howard," wore poat<d by the Police all ever the ocuatty, 
we readily I admit that Maater JonNHr Mo&let would never oe 
arrested a* tho missing lad answering in every respect to thit 
description. Noooe appreciates Master Joiiifwr at his St.'Just value 
more than docs JMr. Punrh, who perceives, and he has already put 
on record picUirially, this atriking raiamblanoe at the preacnt time. 



LATEST TELEPHONIC iNTKLUOEHCE. 

Vote*. Mr. PwneA, are yoa there f 

iVr. Pun^k. Yea. Whoiaitr 

V. Mr. OosCDKir. 

3fr. P. Oh, to be aur«— the Cxuckllob of the ExcsnutL 

y. Tee, I an that, but eomethinx far bett«r, I am ■ joke- 
maker. 

Jfr. P. Don't belieyo it 

V. Bnt I ami I waa to funny the other ereuiot, wlwn Mr. 
Wurumn retnrned to the Crit«non from the OoctiiMat. Didn't 
you see my iokea t 

Mr. P. No-Md don't want to. 

V. Then yoa mu4t litten. I aidd that Mr. WnrDHtX— hal hal 
—when h« waa at Berlin, had been on the Spree T Ha I ba I I had 
never heard that anecdote of David Oasmci before. Hal hal hal 

Mr. P. Did any one Uugh 'f 

V. Yea-ldid. 

Mr. p. Bat what s^iM tho joke? 

V, Don't von too, Berlin it on the Bpr«* — Uu name of a river : eo 
when Mr. wthduak waa at Berlin, he was on the Spree too. Ha I 
ha! hal Wasn't it good f 

Mr. P. Oood was not the wordl 

F. I am BO glad you are pleated. I wQl tell yoa umOut of ny 
joket. 

Mr. P. No, thank you I iEUelHe oirrMf br*Am. 



Aw Eably Btan,— That rara arii, a Ooldinch. wa* bopplof 
about on tho shore near Heme Ray- [vibj didn't the Ooldlinch take 
a fly fj— and suddenly found an elephant, or rather all that remained 
of one, which waa only a tnsk. The Ooldfinch, * very learned bird. 
was sure that the tusk wni that of a hairy dephaat oo ■ visit to thia 
pari of Kent a few thousand yc«.n »to, man or Im*, We have not 
7«t beard the opinion of thoae expecCi Matere, Savon, who c»a 
gin eomo pertienlart at to elephanta haTUc boan aeea at Uargato 
within tha last (eir year*. 

7%« Aery ^ Ooifiun has been reeeBtly adTtrtiaed. 0t oourae ft 
■tatat the nanljrwrthy aide ot the itoiri aa ita author b"eulra 

OtOKB.'* 





PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



IM^tCB 10, 18P8 



NOBLE SELF.SACR1FICE IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY. 

Thf Daelui^ nf Bijjaiahe "Tsat's MT Costumb fob tbb Diiiiub im thb Thihd Act— ainiER Cold m thm Wratskx— BiTT IF '8 

TOB thb PUOB CHIHMlIIU'SWEKPBftS' WIIMWH' HoM*, lOD KNOW t AU TOU C01II<li] TO IB! VS. CAiTlIK DE Uo01t< ! " 

Oallata Buisar. " Haw t Uaw 1 I sBODLD ratyic so, DocEtag—RAraBit .' Wooldh't Hiaa it fob thb World 1 BBi(ra tbb 

IfHOLB BlOlUBMT I FSTCB 'UI AWrCLLT, THAT THIKH ACT WILL I HAW > HaW I HaW 1 " 



OUR REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. 

Be/an Mu. Commubiohbr Punob. 
A Child Per/ormer Mroduetd. 

Th* CommUtioner. W«U, mr little man, And wluit can I d» for 
youP 

Complainanl. N(jtliin|(. I wu Bent in here by aome people who 
Mill thcj- wAoted t> be kind to ms. 1 iin very tired. 

C'im. Yon look it. TAkenteat. Now, what is yonr employment F 

Cnmpi. Ob, 1 am taken about from plaoe to plAO« to perform, you 
know. It ia very tiring. 

Com. How mAny time* a week f 

Compl. Oh, generally twioe n day — moraini^ and ni^ht. And then 
there ia the praotlaing, and the travelling— and 1 am very tired I 

Com, Wp will sea il wo can help you. You aeem well fed and 
elothed. and fsiily ednuated'i' 

Compl. Oh, ye> ; bnt t 'm lo tiredi 

Com. What do llieUooturBiay't' 

Compl. Ob, that I am well enough at present, hut [ thall break 
down aooner or later. I rAther hope sooner. 

Ccm. It pays, I mppoae Y 

Oumpl. Oh, yes, it p»ye iomebody. 

Cera. Who ia somebody ? 

Compl. 1 don't Quil* know. 

Com. And how about your parenta ? 

Compl. Ob, they don't mittd. They aay it's all for my sood In 
the future. 

Com, I tea, my p)oa little fellow, how it is. Well, tell the kind 
people who ivittToa boforo mo. thnt 1 will look carefully into the 
matter, and ocmaulBr whctbnr anythinfr can be done on your bshalf. 
My first imjTrcBBi'jn is. that thfre should be Bome power (tivnn to 
tome offioial— my the OlHoiAl Solicitor— to maltu ebtldrcn auoh ai 
you Waxdii of Court. Were you a Ward of Cunrt, Chancery would 
prot«cl yon, And »» that any money paid on your behalf was pro- 
^"srii- Mpfilird, And would generally look after yon. Bnt Chancwy is 




an expensive matter, and ontil yon were re«li«ins a ooneiderable 
income, it would be dilTicult to put the machinery of the law in 
motion. However, I will give tne matter my beat coneideration, 
and 

Compl. Please, Sir, I can't atop to hear any more, I're got to go 
and play. 

Cvm. Ah 1 that '11 do you good. 

Compl. It will do somebody good. 

Com. But playinf a good game 

Cvmpl. No, not a game— the violonoello, Qood-bye. I'm M 
tired. \,Eiit tevariljf, 

A MoDEFTABT Shock. — In the published Report of the HeetinB 
of the National Freehold Land Sooiety, the oonoluding paragraph 
Dotilied the retirement of their Directors, Messrs. C\8H, Pbtce, and 
WnrmjiGHAii. The Public generally would not be much ooncemed 
with the last of the three name*: but the diBApposrance of Cash 
Fkicb would have been ominoni. Ileody-muupy dpaliniTH are 
eeseDtial to tiie eiietenco of a Sooiety liko the olil-entnljluhed N. F, 
I,. 8., and BO we are glad to see, at ,the end of the Mwtinjt, Cash 
Pbicb again on Ibo Direction Board. This ia quite the right dirMtion. 

" Crdsitb]) koun I " — The Chairman of tht KaKoniH R{fie Auo- 
eialion {to the Duke o/ Camlridgf, icki/ An* rf/iutd to'ull a kuttdrad 
and twenty acnt of hit WimbUdiin property tathtJf.lL A.). " 'Wan- 
tage to ron." £<ply of S.R.H. iht Dakt. " QaitA eo, and I mean 
tokeepit." 

"SoBol Bono 1"— Six weeks of CoQCKLiii at the IloyaltyThoatw. 
On one night, for a benefit, Harv h S3, three CoanRLiica are to apl>aar 
tntrether. A qui It gitrau t Whichrvpr one ol the three "takeetb* 
oake" will b« " lit pi«* heurrux -in troit." 

Boko *jn> Ciiouui fob HErrroat.—" Darling Xiiu .'" 



F 



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MAtcn 10, 1668.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



117 



OUR BOOKINQ-OFFICE. 

I ayry with OOmpuDolir>a to not hiriot M»d TMIIb Lord Faunt- 
Uray until lut wMk, 1.111 It " m&de bi9 *it Qp : " th«t i». it lupl ms 
up I*t», ud o«B>«(t m« t« «iiiT«l joyfullr (I b«lt«r« mjr <uld nextd&y 




Wi» entlnlr ue'to nr t**rfat emotion dTirniitht), otpf the pnre love 
Ol tootlffle«,— nijt "|roody-foodto«B»," n.ithinjruf thn kinil,— nithniit 
out or iJIc«tttiuu, therein ditplif ed. It i« *. book that tftkea jon 
• loiag **T *"''' "^ fnineU. 'i) tli't Tou r«tura to thv world uid 
wonder wmto 7011 're bwn. Kroin a nal cmotionil point of view 1 
liked DiCtRjiS bott ia" bii VhrMtnat Carol: but I eoTy Mrs. 
BcBirxTT thapar«innnrttioathat husivea Ui Lillle Lord FiiunfU- 
ray. And to oo» uinx I btiTa nude np my mind, and Ilist it, 
I will nut flo to IM Z*t(M £«i*if pMrnXUro]/ on tiic hUkc- Kvcd the 
iUiutnti^nii, nwrf M ttwy «r» for tho mwt pirt, ondsnircr tho atorjr. 
I>t mfl imnfinfl TAUU fjtni F.iunt!*rty, and the Karl. Aad Dfortit, 
KoA Mr. JIiMi. and />.pJ;, liut don't iihow thoia to me on wood, or 
■tael, or uwitmh, much lo» imti^nuiiutfid (how itniKi«aible ') by 
eoBiAdiuit aud low oomtdiaDt, Aud bj a preoonioni obild— iittia Rul 
to represent bor, of oourM. a« li th« invariable ntace-ourtom— with 
tlte inevitable ooekner twuif . 

I |r>ttier from the nottwe in the papert, of a piece reoMitlr pr»- 
duoed called LittU l.nrJ Fnunltrroy. that the adapter r«[iurliat«8 
Dcarlf all hii oblig-iition to Mn. ItuKXETt's book, and protests that 
Am Littin Ijord ie not Mr>. BuKHm's I.ittit* iiurd. M<<it pnibable ; 
but at all c runt* hn dortn't sign himielf BCKsrrr, and attempt to 
paMof! the iham for tho nial,— » proceeding for whioU tho nnfor- 
tuute namfi al FawillnTiy mieht offurd a preeedeiit. Alao ! see 
tlurt thi> iLd^ptcr, for tho uleq of ki^epiiiK tho Little lyird'e 
WoUier before the pubLio, ha* Riad<? hrr nccnnipanT her loa to the 
Eifi't CMtle, where ehe pwwe hergelf oil m tJio noj'a nurse. If 
tbi* be (o. then aucb an expedient utt«rlr doatrova the limpln, 
Mralirhtforward, iodepecd'at uhamcCer of both raotneT and child, 
who beoome a pair o( humbuirn, with a sordid purpo«o in yiiw. 
Howevur. thi« is nut the pliii-u to discuB* drftmalie matt^'m, ric^pt 
quite in Olden tally ; all I nay ta that, whether eucc^atfal or not, the 
•daptct'ii ur Ura. BcHNEn'a own ohild on tb« ataice muat be vul- 
MTwed, and tho whole rumanca of the charminjf work deatroyed. 
If Ura. ilca.iKTT baa not already dramatiavd it. I am aure Mr. 
Puneh't immottal ftdTicc might M once mora ndviavdly repeated, 
andthatia, "pon't!" 

Bnt for a certain panMrmph in the T.aneet, I iihoald have raoahl; 
liked to nriew a faw beoka on Oviut and Uhenmntiam ; for, at 
Ur. Lmovcnxut reoMiUr obwrved in Tratk, "they w*! nally 
ebMrfnl i««dia(." or word* tn tliat etieot. H the Lanttl 
otdewe to Mr. Pu/telk, or jVr. Punch't Prime Minister, notioinir 
•117 pni(«MioiiaUy nM^ical work*, who am I that 1 ahould offer 
■a ootnJan 00 & leeture delivered by Dr. Bchxrt Yeo. r«c4'ntly 
pablMiad. «9d pUeedbra Irieud iu my haudal' The oaly tlilDg 
tDttfeMJoK to tne in tucb wcrki ia the upiiiion of erery doetor 
oa what to cat, drink, and avoid.— the woond bciajr the moat 
important. I a^rvo with Dr. B, Yko— Veo ho, my ht\t i yw ho!— 
that real gnod wmo ii th* thinn for . . . well, for mi. Tliia treatment, 
of oouree, in the caw of thoM who can onlv alTurd to hive pmr mic'i 
Kmit («aeh it mj vodeat lot), ncocuitaCci dining out, u frniuenUy at 
piaiibia, with all thoaa who j;ioi«it firat-rato edlora. and who arc 
wiilior to aanat in your ooro. Thia troatmcnt take) a long timn, bnt 
it ia, f balieve, to Moat inetanoM lucoeufal. I do not, aa yet, nvak 
from «xp«rini«*, bnt I hope to do an. Adopting B. Vm'a idea I 
shall bMCtt* a reiflilaT Teoman, itnd ptrhip* a Cxntfrntrian ' 

I've just mm eteond number of the Bjmiuvn'IlE^Ti.iiT wrtei of 
Mtntmd Wvmtmofthe Doy- Not ijiijte to intertsting a* No. 1. A 
fTi«adly reader wiQ aak, " Can anytliiag interest the Baron ao miieh 



aaNo.l?" He may pauae f>r a reply: I with he mar roMive it. 
Pauora! Kfiaia'a portrait oomet Brit. Tho ohie! Kaiklnile ii 
aeated. pen in hand, ready for aomn one to brisir him the ink. Then 
lollow Mr. nnd Mra. KK.tDtL, in charaotar, — which is a mialak*.— a« 
/^rrfand Lady Claararly. Leerd CmiUimW is ttarins at ■omethiog 
or samebody out of the picture, and is eridantlr taking his wife, 
tntto iiic(, Who's that juftt come into the third tnx there V and 
she, with her head reating on Lord Clanlundari nuuily breaat, her 
half-oloaed evet turned in the tame direction a^ his, gentlr purr* 
the answer, I don't reoollect bit face, but it's aTcry Kood Eoum 
t»-ni|tht." Then oomrs. nil alone in bit glory, Joiiir Beiqiit, looldng 
very truouleut, oyideutly muttering to liimaBlf, "Idiotl fooll" — M 
course speaking of aomebody else at a distanee. to whom be haa 
juat written uuu of hia atraiifht- from- the- ahuuldtrvpittli>s. Another 
OnuicL Uld Han, tays Uaxon dk Soox Wokm*. 



SOlfETinNG NKW FOR ALEXA.NDEK! 

[ffht hid bttn dUcovfTtd in EiglaHd.) 



'very 



"Dub me, this is mnat tatematinK," said the Canon; 
interesting inde»d. Jnat give me hia skull." 

" Bottler let me look them over agnin, t^ir." intorpoted the Sexton : 
" perbatis 1 may find something mora valuahU than human bunes." 
Well, I am not sure," continued the coclwiantin. " You see, 1 
do not fancy that mnob treasure ia uauolly diacoverod in a aaico- 
phagus." 

"Right yon are. Sir." returned the Oravedigirer, who had com- 
pleted his work. '' Only bones—and terribly dirty ones, too I " 

"They must be washed," observed tho Canon, deolsivelv, after 
closely inspesting tho akuU of the great ooncjueror through bu eye- 
glassea. ''In Ih-.ir prtaent state they are eoaroely fit to be setn. 
But where shall we put them !" "' 

" I thai! ho very glad to g^ve tbsm sbolter iu my drawing -room," 
snggratcd a tJurveyor. 

" Now, that is very good indeed vt you," put in another Churob 
Uifrnitary. "Very good of Jjoa, indeed; bnt are pin turn that you 
don't mind T They may be inemvenient t " 

' ' N'ot in tbe least, if they are nioe and clean. I oonld nut them 
OD a board retting on a tola and two chairs. How would that do F " 

" Admirably ! " eaid the Dean and Chapter In chorus. 

" But we mnat have them photographed 1" cried one. 

"And get Proteaaor HcxLXT to examine them I" ezclaimed 
tnother. 

'' With pleasure," acquieafied the SorvByor. 

S) the bonr-a of Ai.f nsDtu iHE finKiT wore washed. 

And the bcjnr.B of Ai.iliamikb iue Guxit were photographed. 

And thrn they wvro plaopd on a ahiitt''r reiting no a sofa aod two 
chairs in thn dritwing-room of a dwell ing-honse. 

And then Profeator Buii.XT ei ami nnd them. 

And then tome one wrote to the Timn to say that thay onlv 
liulonited to a common toldier, and had nothinx whatever to do witti 
the mighty ton of Philip. 

And then some one etie ooutradioted tone one, and re-aSlrmed 
that the bunes were genuine. 

And then tbero was a raild remonitranOB from two or three of tbe 
Pablio, who were not quito certain that it w&a either legal ur 
advisable to lake a hero, or bis onusicia, or hia aunt*, from Ofnae- 
orated ground into the drawing-room of a d welling -boaio, however 
at«t*ly. 

But nob^v teented to care a brass button about it ! So the matter 
dropped, asdeadas ALXZayDXKhimseU. or the late Quenn Aim*, or 
even the once-ve&entcd nrnuna id St. Tuoh as a Btcm I 



PBOPnTnc— Pott Tov CavvaxLL foroaw " 8h* " when he eom- 
meuoed hie SraiMii ov thk Cnoan with, 

« Hioeau Queen ! " 
And, in another Snitance, there must have been a beam la Ut«y* 
when he wrato " O'Cosaok's Child," clearly indieatinc th« rlM ot 
TiT Par'i Stor. 

" Ni*oi»ji— airo Airraf"— For reply, aak Ur. Josx Hou.i5fls- 
BiAs, who. aided by M. pRiuroiKin— hat aoeonpllshcd the 
uoprMedented f««t of bringing Niagara to Loudon. The Aouaiiom 
will be naturally jeatone; and the %Vatcr Companies wont quito 
like it. Rather a fall for the Falls to oome down to the slightly 
dnll locality known aa York tHrest, St. Jamea'e Park, which requlrca 
a " fillipH»-twi> " to start some antBMmeat. 



Wk wiih the Clerk of the Weather, following tha utMlUiit ax- 
amplu of Lord WouUXr and hii military friendl IS vmdMUnilff 
" the mamh patt," woold jut make a salutajf obuiCktLttftVaMb. 
present and fatura. 




118 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHABIVARL 



[Much 10, 1&88. 




CULTCHAH t 

(" A lUtlt knovledjt u a danjerota thing " /) 

Tammy. "WAatCr it Fuidiah who xadi tbi Euix Habdlbs, 
AiWT HirwiLTr*!" 
Autt Hippolytit. "PawDUH, ni*R, Bor Pbidiju ; Avo Ton uvn 

81T EL'im, HOT ElVIM. TlIB U OKKK G, OB QAMMA, 13 ALWAYS 

I'HOfOL'SClD n-itUl, TOO KKOW," 




HIBBENIA. 

Praymtnif of a tny amg on Oie dan whan, llu Fotriol Sinmr {and Lord 
Mn-y^ir] S-U-r n waj roUtued /ron dufaive viU, t^i ** The Harp chtU 
mu-j in Tullamon the tmU of murie thtd." in tlTaim ttf mingitd 
palrtvtitm atui patodi/ {iciini tcay, apjKireiUl!/, ofUT Uofaiiloy'i 
" Vitginia." 

Yi good Uen of the CommoDs, with loy^ hearts knd true, 
Who stuid by at bold Irish, who now will itand by ron. 
Come, tight jour weeds around me, and mark my tiie with cire, 
01 what puor Ireland oft hath borne, and yet may have to bear. 

Of kU the wiokcd Tories still the names are held Moarsod, 

And of all the wicked Tories black B-Lr-a wsb the wowt. 

He ilflll:=d Bbnnt the Chamber like a Bnatliome in hia pride, 

Or iprawled with lank and laognid leg» entangled or spread wide. 

The Irijh sved with anaer, not all nnmiied with fear, 

Hia liftod onin, hia curliag month that always seemed t« sneer; 

That brow of brau, that mouth of acorn, mark all the specie* still. 

For never was thcr« Tory yat but wiahed the Irish Ul. 

Knr lank* he tit attendanno ; for ever at his heels 

That most ii-Jl'.'ri'joB rciieffade, hii Sub.. K-!«o-H-a3i-ir, steals. 

His writt*n answer ready, be the qaeation what it tavf, 

And tlu smile QickerinK on his cheek for aaght his CMef may say. 

Jnat then, as in aoloodleas jap in a lonji stormy sky, 
Bhinine with hope in her bine eves a fair young girl oame by ; 
A fnnr-Ieuved ahamrook in her hand, and. as nhe daaoed aloufi 
She warhlcd Rjiily to herself anatohes of iri»h song, 
With refuri-noo to liory, and allnaion to Kathlrm, 
And now and then ft staMa of " TA* Wrarina uf tht Ortan i" 
A h\t }ri'm BiMcKL Lovkb, and a stave from Tohmt Uoosk 
i^JKit fta-sKttiag Lord Mayor B-LL-y-x, who as a bard etm sooro). 



The maiden sang aa Triah maiJs alone such sonjcs can aioir. 

When Hope is in its bnd<liD|L,'-lime and Love is in its Spring. 

Black B-LF-R heard her sweet young voice, and saw her sweet yoiUS 

faee. 
And hated her with the hlaek hate of hii old Tory nee : 
And wDtchioK close to aoe where she would ^, and whom she'd meet, 
Hia vulture eye pursued the trip of those bare glancing feat. 
• ■■«•* 

3u blithely young Hibsexia oame smiling from her homs. 

4hl woo for yonng HrBRENiA, the beat beloved of Kimel 

She mused of that in'eat Fomm for which all patriots pray, 

And just h\d reached the very apot where it ahall stand one day. 

When up the varlet B-Lf-H oame ; not snch as when erewhilo 

Be lounged in far Bt. Stephen's with oock'd heela and simpering 

a mile ' 
He came with lowering forehead, fieroe featare*, and olenohed fitt. 
And strode across HiBERtnA's path, and canght her by the wriit. 
Hard atrove the frighted raaiden, and ?cr«aTtied with look aghast. 
And at her scream from left and right the folk came runninn faet ; 
The old money-changer, Omsr-Wi, with hia thin silver hairs. 
And H-BC-KT of the stately form and (-litleTinir "Bhodian" wiroa. 
And the strong smiter. M-bl-t, graBpiER a half-forged brand, 
And 1,-Bnr, the unrnllied. with oigarflt-! in hand. 
All came in wrath and wonder ; tor all knew that fair ohlld. 
And as ahe passed them by— of lute— had kissed their buida and 

smiled. 
And the etrong Old Man Or^nsT-s*. gave B-u-e sueh ablow ; 
The long one reeled three paces back, and let the maiden go. 
Yet glared he fiercely round him, and hissed in snaky tone, 
" Law 'i law, and Order 's order ; 1 claim her tor mine own. 
I wait on swart- browed S-L-sn-BT— he 's almost like my aire. 
Let him who thwarts the nephew's will beware the nnelo's ire!" 

So spake the rarlet. B-lp-b : and dread and silence came 

On all the people at the sound of the Ceoilian name : 

for now there was no tribune— no eloquent i~wti Bb-CHT, 

To make the rich man tremble and guard the pror man's right : 

There was no sturdy H-UT-nar-H — no honest Ch-mb-kl-H ; 

For most of the old ohampions Hooked in the Tory train. 

Vet ere the varlet B-lk-b BKain might aeiee the maid. 

Who clung tight to stem M-b]>['s skirt, and tohbvd and shrieked 

for aid. 
Forth tbmush the throng of gazers the Grand OldGL-DST-AKpreMcd, 
And stamped his foot, and tbamped his palm, and smote upon his 

breast. 
And sprang unto that roetfum by many a p«'t sung. 
And wh«re, aforetime, many a year had peated his silTery tODgue, 
And beckoned to the People, and in bold voice and o1««t, C^otr. 

Poured thick and fast the ourning words which tyrants qn&ke to 

" Now, by your children's oradlcs, now, by your father's grarts. 

Bo men to-day. ye Liberals, or be for ever afavce! 

For this did Ceomwell give ua Inws? For thisdidll.ivmKiC hlotd? 

For this was the great vengeance wrought, npon the Stoaut's imdi' 

Shall a oat'a anarl alarm tlie race who braved the lion's mnr y 

Shall we, who beat great B-c-b*iv-ld, crouch to the bUnd B-lt-bF 

Oh, for that ancient spirit that curbed the nnhle*' will 1 

Ob, for the men of Thirty-two, who passed the famou* BUll 

In those brnve days our Liberals stood (irmly side bv side, 

Thev f»oed the Tory fury, thc-y tamed the Tory pride : 

Shall what their oare betiueathed to ua. our madness lling away? 

Is the ripe fmil of three-aeore ytare all bligliltd in a day 'i 

oner, to the polling summon the eager throng '. 

tribunes, breathe the word of might that guard* the wmIc from 

wrong 1 
So, by the earth beneath na, aod by the sky aboTO, 
We wiU not yield to B-i.F-n'a hat*. HinitBitu. whom wo lore. 
A little late we show it, hot oh 1 'tis true and hot; 
And if tho Turie« doubt that truth, we '11 shvw them what ij what. 
I,eave, leave, to prtor Hibebitia, her deare«t tie to life. 
The hope that springs midst all her woe, and after all her sbUe ; 
Cue gentle speech — O'Bb-s'b— a century's hatred eurta : 
The yoke nf lijvo HnsRuyii courts— she miil not brook B-Lf-K*at 
No, let the Maijon'a Home hu free, its Rule bf hers : with nrido 
She who now loathei ye— an n ilave- will love ye — as a bride. 
Spare her the ineipiable wrongs, the nnntterable ahamo 
Of being shackled and oneroed to suit your Party gome : 
Lest, when her latest hope is lied, her friends are in diapur, 
Te learn by proof, in some wild hour, how mnoh the wretched du»I " 

So far the Old Han eloquent I What further ?— well, 1 Hod 

The harp that once at Tullami>re wailed forth on every wind 

[* just a thritle out of tune, my throat a little dhry : 

Not Tullamore could tame my Muse ; the tyrant 1 defy ! 

But how they dealt with black B-lf-r. and how, after the fr«y, 

HiBBftSit— the darlint!— fared, 1 'U sing anothor day. 




MABcn 10, I8t8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




j//a/i/-\^J^^^^^r-0 



EKTf^Actxo ri^d 



JfouM ijf Commons, Monday Night, Fcbruari/, 27. — Ifirit daj of 
Mil^ doamg morenuot. Up to vcr^o uf midniijht everything wont 
■dnunUf. Ordinuy Totcalairlvdinuuis^. liuh Tute talked aboat 
KtUfg*. EnrjODO MtUfied. Old MuriLlity poiipid out to see that 
tb* uatten W«r« •II richt for olnsing promptly at midnight Divi- 
■iOD takan OO Irtih vote. Ton ininatA^« left for unc»QaiJ«reil trifles. 
OawmT tt^rui ranniair throngh v(it«fi. It«>ichiid that for Kfttional 
6«Ua^i VMD tnm below Gaufrwfty on KliniAt«riAl side, there 
flMJiM k huBiaooB br«ftdUi of crumpled shirt-front. A head 
of llllilllllll «Ild now, ttlas I •hortduing hair, pretenUd itMlf ; a 
f^ltHHr voiw tomiied thruugh Cham&er, and Ci>iamitt«« became 
•eoaibb at fast that (.'avilmiibu Bsktinck was ou his li?i(i wanting 
to kunr about meat recimt imrchascs (ucH&liuual Gidlpri- 

Ueep gTMB went np frum QnuvrvatiTe aide. OppoaitioD ironioaUy 
obecred asd jojaiulr laughed. Rada't kdii Cavknuub for *re«lu. 
Ccttaiiilr vatoM ialiispUoe(.hroiiflhcittin)[. Kvenici^ dreuthowcd 
ha bad beta to mMtinic at Kxetcr Hall or Jerasalem Cham!>er. Now 
dropped in ton miDtit«a to twvlve wantinK to know al>out "the 



Murder of the iDoooenta, two panel plotiuea by Mocetto," of wbich 
lite nation had bcoumu poBMnmeo. 

"Docs the hJKht HoDourable OeDtleman," be aalced, liberally 
promutinic Jacksun to the Priry Coonoil, "koow who Mokxtto 
was?" 

From anf^ry way in which name wa* pranouDoed, Joairu QlLI.i* 
thoaaht it raii*t ha that of a tUsident HaitUtratii. aud called oot 
"Yah, yah!" Thai annonragcd. Catudibu went on with hii 
indiotment. Thera wu anottiet piotura, a Datob potlnit, painter 
unknown, prioe i'.M.'. 

" Ah T«(>rr*«ntati7e o( Brittth taxpayer, I object (o portraila by 
painttT ankiii^wn," said CAYZKDisa, hu woids trippinit each other 
np as thev tumbled out in hot haale. 

Loud cWn ftmtfd this deoloratiuQ. Cavenkish next prupceed 
to rcul vitractj from |[ilt-cd)[Hl butitt. burrowed from Library. But 
rolunte olwayi tomin^ up wrunK und lirst, he tinally tuuk^ it uodet 
hi> armpit. To thii dav no one kuuwa what it was atinut, i.T what it 
ought Ut have proytd. kiottomeDt gniwioK, Oppooitiuu iDQreaAi&v,!.^ 



120 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



[UucH 10, 188S. 



fl 



I 




"WhowMMokeltoP" 



hilariona. Treasury Bench takiiiK on fresh dolour. CuinpUtion of 

Supplrmentary Estimates, apparently within re*cb of hand, and all 

arraDK^mctttA to be npiet in tbii wsf. If it bid bcea Irish Member 

had enough. But Catiuidihb BitsTiKCK, of whom no one was 

thinking, tnildenlytotiopnpwith 

hi« gilt-td|(ed Toiiime lauthor iia- 

known) and hiaaaonymotuDalih 

pntnit, wu hard to b«ar, 

PrawDtlf it turned out by bit 

own adniiMina, that CATKTDtm 

hadn't »era the plcrttir«* he was 

ooademninic. ana as gilt-edgvd 

volume oontinucd to be wbulre- 

per>ii», ho Buddeuly sat down, 

loarinit thrcu miuutes for Finsu- 

oial Sucretary tu explain and 

Committeo to pats fuur Vot«a. 

Couldn't be done. At midni(tht 

Srogrets reported and Commit- 
le'a work left unoompleled. 
Butintti don*. — Kraptioa. of 
ClTKNDiau Bkntince. 

Tutidity Night. — Resumed 
Debate on Procedure. Thiiuri 
■till going OB wonderfully irell. 
Kul« upon role, breeept upon 
preoept agreed to, alter ooarerBa- 
ticm really designed to imprure 
the laggeattiin ucdpr eonsidera' 
tioo. Seema all a dream to Old SforalitT. Ctn't believe thiogi oonld 
powibly iro forward *o amoolhly. Haa formed habit, of ptntty 
pinching himaelf, to ie« that ha is tvally awoke. Thia led to 
momientary unpleasantneai. Just after Kule 6 agreed to without 
dtnaioii, ons of Anraini Balfoub's lege itraying about Bench. 
0. M., gettinn rathtr rotied, pinched it in mutake. Eipkiited 
the *rwr, and profuaeiy apofogiaed. All very well, AaiHcn 
Balfodb My* : but can't aee hnw by any possibLlity hia leg could 
hare been miataken for SuiTn'a. 

Neareiit approach t» animated debat« aroie on Role 3, whiob 
nakei thin^ urml«aaant fnr UemW jcuUty of grossly diiordurly 
tondnct Old Murulily luoving it, otiaerved that Rule mutt 
rcoonmend itaelf to t'XhI feeling of all Membera of Hours" — which 
it didn't. Tit P«t, appropriately txniminic the chiraoter of 
champion of dignity of the Hfiuie.proteated against »uoh a penal node. 

Debate brought to a eonolueion by Josipb Gili-Ib. Been very 

Sniet since Bension opened, but subject under disoussion infallibly 
row him. Remembered how, in days of sin, when he used to 
b« (iiapecded, was accustomed to mount to topmost Beneh in 
Btrangtrs' Oallory, and frighten New Members by staring them out 
or countenance, or making faces. New 
Rules proposed that Members suspended 
thoTild not be permitted to enter preoinota 
of Houee, 

" Sir," said Joseph, wavidg a friendly 
hand towards the Chair : " It eeeiii« to me 
that the moral intluenoe of the Speasbb 
ia quite enough t« keepordetvri th- 
ou t these 'ere Rules, 

narJlv s dry eye in the assem- 
bly as these tremnlons notes faU 
on its listening ear. 

" Beautiful!" cried PLDunn : 
" Sincr Mr. /"ecijrirjT appeared 
in light attire on the landing at 
iln. Todgtri'i, and besought the 
uaembled boarders to join him tn 
being moral, notbing so touohiug 
ta this." 

Not a word said after J. B. hid 
■poken. House at once divided. 
netty tn the lobby afterwards as 
loKT B. strolled along, hia head 
bent in thought, like the bowed 
head of the ripened grain, toaee 
Jauith Wjtsow. Magistrate for 
Staffiird shire, Salop, and Woroes- 
tershire, and patron of the living 
of Berwick, involuntarily, a* It 
»«emed, remove his hat and follow 
the retreating fignre with reve- 
rcntial glance. Sutmeu dont. — Farther debate on New Rules. 

Thtirtday. Great case of Bight of Pnhlio Meeting argued before 
Spesker, and Jury compoted cf aomv SOO McTDbcr*. RvseKLi., Q. 0., 
for Plaintiff; M*Tniaw*, (iC, for Defendant WAonr, (J-C. 
/sf>kfd brief under arm, and •wailed his opportunity. Other 




^Vbllil Joujib jillii psistt. 




Coansel appearing were Bradlauoh (C.) and CoDTTs-Br&Dzrr— or 
ii it BcaDKTT-CoiJTTSP Whioherer it be, he suoeeeded in elicitinx 
murmur of approval from Jnrjr-box by delicate referenoe to Wett* 
minater Abbey. When, he taid, he contemplated the posaihilitf of 
lawl^xsnesa running riot in the streets of I.iudon, be thunirht of 
Westminater Abbey. " Like Mti. Qummidgf. thtnkintt « the 
Old 'un," said LocKWOOO, just back from Circuit. "Suppose he 
haa a vested int.erefit in the place. But bis concern for it certainly 
aeems a little prem-iture." 

Also Ch*rles Hall. (l.C, Attorney-General to ths Priooo o( 
Wales, of whom HARCOtrsT says, " He has th« graTltf nf a indg« 
with the fiG:ure of a light comedian." His speech briitht, moid, 
oonTtnoing. and onrnmendably short— that's Hiu., and <iait« Miaatk 
to make a House of Commons reputation. 

Wilfrid LiwtiON so pleased with speech that he kn^Mtked off little 
pome to (une of soug familiar in his hot youth oalltd " Sam Hail." 
Hero 's the first verse: — 

Uy nsms it is " CnAKLis " Haii., I Q.O., and what Ibey MlU 
Joy sTinpfl ] (S«.) it-tcr-noy Oo-nc-rai 

Uy Dsmc it ia CuASLis Ball, | To my Prines I (f u.) 

Bridlacsh wound np eight's 'proceeding* in yigoron* «p«ich. 
listened to with attention byl crowded House. Rtronga how 
whirligig of time (whatever sort of conveyance that may be) brings 
its revenges. Not many years ago Members crowded the I/ibby to 
see BaAitLiOQn kicked downstairs. Now they throng the Bench** 
to hear him reply to '" his learned friend," the Homo Secretary. 

Before this came on. Sage of ftncn Anne's (Jale raiaed question of 
Chaubsrlahi's expenses in his Miasinn to Tniled St*tea, X3M« 
uked fur. Sage, brinituw out tlat« and pencil, works little siun lo 
ahow that this comes to 13> a day, which, oonsideHng, as ha says. 
hotel eipense* In the States are at price fixed is staggerins. 
Jossi-H OiLLifl, vho, as Paymaster- Oeneral of the Parn«lUt« foroei, 
knows something about expenses, qnit<i depressed. 

"Look at that now." he ssys. "Thirty pounds a day I Why, 
there isn't one of the hhoys who wouldn't contract to take a* much 
a month, and think himself well olf." 

No bounds to Oladstonb'b tjuile appalling generosity. Conwe 
forward to defend CHAUBRBi.Ant'H Mistion. Isn't quite sure of the 
£30 pound a day, hut has nothing save honeyed words for the errant 
Joseph. In contrast with this speech oomea Tat Pat, frothing and 
vapouring, bellowing abuse of Coauberlus, as if the iJPKAIER w«re 
stone deaf. 

"Always seems to mc." said Rvni)fii.pH, refltatlvely twirling hia 
moustache, " that Tat Pat's oratorical accessories are incoropjete. 
Never see htm stand up and ahont, but miss something." 

"What's thatl'" said Bbodsick, anxioni to learn from ttte 
Master. 

" His barrer, dear boy— his barrer. with its enticing load, whether 
of the shy retiring winkle, the rose-lipped oarrut. or the coyly curled 
green." Iluiinen rfone.— Debate on Sir CnAHua Rushku. s Motion. 

-fWrfiiy.— Russ«ll's Motion' on again. More legal lore. Nearly 
every Member now speaks of his neighbonr *• "my learned frimil," 
HEHiir Jamxs opentv calls Sprmckb " me lud." SMrgeaut-%t-Arma, 
the spirit of the Uaner strong upon him, hat greatiat diffioulty to 

Erevent himself calling out "Silencel" At fi** minutes lo twelve 
rother PlcKKHsniw, rose, spread out his brief, and proposed to 
answer the Att(iriiht-Oeneilil, who had just sat down. Only five 
minutes before division muit be taken, if at all. t<i-nii(ht. Such a 
roar filled the Court, ahook the leaves cf brother Fioxmnii.t's 
brief, and set his wig awry. Brother Suna came to the reacne. 
Pounced with extraordinary aeility. "Me lud" then tTibniitt*d the 
case b> jury, who by considerable majwtr returned verdict of N"t 
Guilty. Home SECiinTAiir pnimptlv left dock ; was met at gatea by 
company of friends, who took him ciS to supper. 

SutJMit done. — Russell's Resolution rejected by SIS toIm 
against 224. 

A MATTHa OF CoiTSSE.— The Committee for the Waterloo Cnp 
consists of one noble and seven diBtingiii'bed sportsmt^ : the Judge 
Mr. Heblet, and the Slipper Mr. T. Wilitiiibos. When weatlwr 
doesn't permit the ordinary courtiing to oume off. the CcmmittM 
have healthy eierciae within Ibeir reach by staying at hont« and 
playing at hunt the Slipper,— JCitkinsonio non obitantt. 

ttSCOUUENDED, 
Rbad thia book of the Baron de Gbam CST'l, 
" Paddjf cfiei-tui." full of facta and not fanci«a. 



To GRAMDOLFa.— The Fourth Party at first ■ 
tn Closure. " Wher« ia dat Barty now ? " la the I 
of apaoeF 



What thx GommasT sxavam or ut Akchukoi,— "QMd 
Offices." 



*^ ^OTtiSKStJccud CwDJUBLicatjBo* or Ceo trfbo Lions, wbc'.her HS., Printed Ualler, Drawings, or ficcuiei of any descripttoa, will 
<a " 't^ '" rataraed. aoi vrea irhan McomDanled by ft Stamped uk& Aa&i«s««& £a-t»\a^, Cav«i, ar Vraapu. !• tUe rata 
ucr» W7JJ bt a« tgotpUoa. 



Mjiticn 17, 18£8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



131 



"IH THK DAYS WHEN WE WEHT OIPSYIHO." 

Tn, 6tr, "Hie dajn when «« wrat Oipsftnfr, ft 1od|c time tgo," 
•wtn rerirM U«t Ttiuraday «t ths ATcaue. Scene* of my cliUdliuod, 
OM* mm 1 babold re I T^ Bah4mian Girl i* iaderd " the Girt I 
ktt blll&d Wt," Xha oecuioa of the r«Tivil wu doicrllivd u 

Mr. SiSimt. Hmt's .Vn- 
(I'nA', wh.ioh BiigKMt>r»thLT 
ft Hmy morning ; kdiI »o it 
wu, ont I vent to mMt 
the food old Gir!. 

Hi* good old Gir) wta, 

I w daltrbtod to find, 

M good M avw! Th«ta 

wfta Drvthhoof tho Oip«y, 

-; played and vang hy Mr. 

1 RNjIZFLU!, who ia np lo all 

, the e>i(* 'I'd bui>in*aii, 

" wilhuut wbinli I fanny 

^ CdwaJajB Thf Bohemian 

Oirl— bleat htrl — would b* 

trifle >Iuw. But h«r 




HanitK hit Files- 




miui«ft1 ohirru wen u bright Mof tots. With her again I waodered 
1b Hftrbl* HeLla, and "when othrr lipi" aanK her Bonia, Ihrn " 1 
iMBHnWtd ktr," and c very cote uf them : and my hc«it wa« not 
"ImWed down hy weight of wu«,'' but, on the eontrary, ««» 
bafttinf tioM to tho bftliid taori wilh all the fervour of youth, u 
tb* (reah atrawbarry tnark on h«r am wu diic^vrrcd. and Arlin* 
fell islo lh« ftrntf <a tha OooDt, in whom ah* rtooKciied her lon^-ltnl 
Mreat, when DtviUkoef mna out boldly, " fie not deoeivod, 'tiii thy 

wbo look no to ••• 7%« 

Bo\tmiim Oirl. whtn the 

and I were Rlrl and boy 

to|[*(ber, tboujib 1 wai not, 

1 wiah t* atftta, ft Dahemiaii 

Boy, but ft Tet? rMpootobly 

bniBRht-np one— oomiog of 

•a " dftasDt ptople " u wm 

Arltiu't own relation a, 

BIrti h(f dt^aT ey«el Ah, 

IhoK were happy ni|[htai 

}io Matinfrl than 1 And Ut 

baftr Balfk's Opera w#w«ot The Ooed OU Btrawbtrry Haik. 

ta the drew uirolo— quite a 

{•■ily drcte— uid with oraneei ftod otkei io nnr hand*— oftkei in 

<m bftoda and BmiN on the itige — we hrtird RnX of all Tht 

B^tmum Girl, and then attrr that, the Pantuminte. And lum *hc 

it ocain,— or waa, Uat JhuTMlsy, and " I 1ot« her itill the aatnn," 

•Ithonfti ! un ^ *" **'■'* Stasiik. 

COLKSIDOB ON "GENKRAI, OORDOITS LETTERS TO 
HIS SISTER." 

")I 8UK the ytrf GouDox that of old 
Wftt wont to preaoh to me, now ohm more prfaehing." 

WalUnMtim, A«l T., to. X 

ftorion (foo ). " O Time 

Works (niratlfj. In one hour many Ihoueaada 
Of grain* of •ftnd run out ; and quirk as they 
TboUfht follon lhi>UKht within the human «ou1. 
Only on« hour ! Your heart may ohauge tt> purpoaa. 
Hit htart may ohimgB iti ptin'-jse,— wime new liainga 
May como : aOBB fortunate ereut. deoiaivi. 
Hay fall froat Heftveo and reeuue me. wbAt 
Kay sol an boor ftohiere I " 

WtUmtUin, Act V, 5c. 1,— «i/y *iw iiteri ekangti. 



6TIAK3PEARIAN' DISC "•!■!:>■, 

TaLVK of Hooey in Klixabethan Era: bii^KFEARB ft pTMtioal 
KeonoHJft 1 1 Thit u a diAooTLTy worth «re«TUiu>K thiit &««oa-fcd 
coDUMBtftb^ haT«writt«ii. It u this: 

*■ QrawMfftr (u Bamttt). A tannn will laat you nine ytai-." 

Kow "a tanBur," whieh, within tho pmtmt wntnry, wa« alwty* 
"aixpcDoe" ("two bob and • tannM" Wfn fhe oabcoNti'i half- 
«TO«ii). wHi pubapa equal in ^HAiO'i'iuiti'H time to about fuur 
tinra that aKUiut Ttt, evfn if thit b« no. what could the pHw uf 
eierythiDK liar« btfo. and what could have btcn the OrantligiirT'i 
«ftitsato cf HamUt. wh«D be expreued bii opinioD ihat a coupte of 
■hilliiica (if that wftv ihe Eliiabtihan Taluo Ot the " tanner "} would 
laat him "niac ync"r.<b> _^ 

TOL. IdT. 



OUR REAL GRIEVANCE OPFrCE. 

Bt/art Ur. Conintui'inor Pcnck. 
A JuvmalUtic Spteialitt introduetd. 

Tht Committiomr. W«U, Sir, yOD look itale and ill. What <tta 

I do for you ? 

Wttntii. I am a Dramatia Critlo OD a nomillK p«p«c, and my 
pallor ia oamed by inoeiuuit labour. 

Com. Really I waa under tbo impnoaioa that your port waa a 
liftht and nI{<ftMnt one. 

Wit. Ah, that wa* many yearn ago. In tho SixtiM a now piaoa 
Mime out ahout oncH a munt.h, nnd t.hdro wu pli^nty of tiaae to aca it 
and think it over hetnre aitting down \t> writn a crititriam. 

C'lm. And now, I siippoae. a greater demand i« made njwn the oritii] f 

Wit. Certainly, There i« a RTcat d«al of oompttilion amongst 

the dailies, and little important aa a Dramatlo Critic i* ooniiderM, 

hia iiotioe mukt b« published as iOon ftft«r the pcrformanoa as 

putaible. 

Cum. Is thia your only oomplaint P 

Wit. Certainly nut. After all. Art suffers rather than the wntar, 
when a nolioe hu to be done at eiprets rat« speed. So, as ft pro- 
fciaional journaliat. I should fiud litlle fault with the ezlgaDeiM oj 
the nmohine- r<:-}m and the publlshioK offiue. But our itrtat frier- 
anee ii that whervu a murninji' perfiirmaneM was in the oldan tiawa 
i>c«riy u laarco aj a blue mouu, nuwodaya they are as cumarona aa 
blftDkbcrricB in the Autumn. 

Com. Do yoii objcat to moruinK porformanoes ? 
Wit. Mo«t itroogty. Oocuionally thoy give ns a sort of drtM 
rehearwl tor the piooo intended Uter_ on V) form a part of the 
evenitttf pro;^niinTne. and on theae oceisiona they arc defenaible but 
not welo^}Ene. lint whra tbi^y are merely Tl^hi(^k-a fur the cihibitioii 
of "vaultinK ambition over'Teaohinx iUclf,'' and oraia ouuoeit 
•Oioying a field-day, it is time to remonstrato I 
Com. Ton apoak warmly I 

Wit. Yivn 1 not reason on to do ? Will you belien it, Sir, but 
last week I went to the theatre eleven times I 

Ci/m. R<al1y; Well then, porhaps yon can tell m« what you 
thouirht <•% Thr Pi'wrr uf I,<n-a of Miai I.;\ni.i:r ? 

Wit. I wtiald ralhi<T n»t say. The name is not naw; it sarrtd as 
a second titla of Bilfr's Opera SatnnvlUt. 
C«m. Waa Th« Powrr of hirr funny ? 

WiL Some of it wae very funny. Fur instanoa, thero was a drsm- 
takinx Doctor, wh". after ii'itsuninit his " best patient," went abuut 
oryisr tor someone to buy turn a praotice. We torcaaned at liin I 
Cvm. Wa* the htroiiie funny t«o? 

Wit. Well, no, the was uuod. but her part waa abaolutetv rldian- 
lous. It speaks well fur her that the audieuee did not hiat her. 
Be«aus« she is bored with her home, she attempts the life of her 
father — believes she has killed him— enj^'ya balti and auppors 
without thu tcut remiiree. and ultiinslely "takce np" with a irentlo- 
man who lo<iks like a country fair )ri*nt with a turn for dentistry I 
Com. And is the handed in the lost Act 'i 

ffif. Oh, nut Becante the pirisoned draujcht« by an aooident. docs 
not reaeh her father's lips, she is hailed aa an innocent woman by all 
the iframnfis ptrtona wilh every si|[n of rrjoioin);. 

Ciim. Dear mo. thia sort of Ihiiiit a-'emi rather IryiDg ? 
Wit, I ahould think ou I liut the /'oK^r './ Lcrt wu rather above 
the avcroRe. It must bo remembered that Utaa LlMiLiY dramatiaed 
a novel — marly olwaya an unaatii factory labour, tsimi.timoa "the 
new and original iiicc€«"prDdm»d alJ/ufin^ea am simply intolerable. 
Com. And I suppurs thoy are nsnaJly " slatod." 
Wit. f>f o;'Urw. That is one oomfort, thoy ara crtislMd and narcT 
appear arsic. 

Com. 1 can qnita ondcratand the feelinit of asnoyaooa their mr- 
formanoe auat cr*dt« ; still it secau to ne a little nojust that tMra 
ahonld be no appeal. 

WiL Thsra would bo, w«t« they playtd in the ordinary way— in 
the OTanini— and removed from tbo bills tf thsy failed to pleaae. 
0»n. What ia vonr remedj^ f 

WiL I would abolish uorDing perform onees. exeept for ohariti«s, 
Gvm, I atB oblired to yoo, t will maks a nal^ of y.nr soiricestiun. 
[7A« Ifsftiaie (JunAoi tht L'o>ne>i>»'<>n«r, dnii wilhtircic. 



Thb Onii" I" otnt Favovh.— We have come to be a larg« and 
liberal jeneration. Our noble aalves are not as were our narrow 
pronenitom. They nsed to boast Ibat avar^ BttglUhnan Mold beat 
any thrte FrvnchmtB—that waa to aay, tomgrntn. We have oeaaed 
tu be so iotular. Wa don't say thaL No, but baren't we been 
aolinfc as if we thoniht so still r Don't our iiT«paration* and pre- 
cautions for national deftnoo sgainst possible noats of allied enemies 
appear to have be«o talvulatid on the prMunptioD asserted In 
the abiive sumetow popular sayiDf'as to the pvoportion of threa 
to one f 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVASL 



[UucH 17, 1&B8. 



THE SWEATER'S FURNACE: OR. THE REAL '"CURSE" OF LABOUR. 







•R.»t 



" AH lh« citBumiUiKW of (ha tndf, Uio bouri of tubour, ttiit mln of re- 
maaenMaa, uid Ihe nDiIaiy coodltloni unili-r whiib Ihs work ii dono ars 
•lilfnMful . . . In tli« 'ilimi' of tbg Sirciitfii, ai Ilicy irn cnlti^tl, tlirra b 
net the iligHMt iltmipt al dctwnoT. ... In lbs T»iil majority of wim work 
Ai»nindaa undei osDillUaua in tha hlfhwt ilrgrw flltb]i and ununitar/. In 



imnn rnnna. nil lonrn thin nine ot trn frel •qtiirr. faratrd by • iK-kx fir* for 
iJie piHarr'iirona, and at nigni lighted bv flstint gat-jali. tii, rijEht, tro, 
Mild cvim a dotfiTi wurk^rfi muy be vrotf J«a . , . Tb««t<ncJi and fouJ Tipoura 
about the pUi^r Hre Trr; bud . . . A> ri'nrdi houn of labour. (<arnin^ ud 
■anitary lUTTOundingB, the condition of tbpae peo^la ii nioni d^phfr1lhLfl thwi* 
Cbat of any bodji of working nifn in tny ]HiTtiui] of ihn ciiibwd or uncinlUDil 
world. "—i'M iurj Diinntvm't Sptreh on lAt aiu-ialing SyiUm. 

"Intfu nceot of thy hroa tKalt ItA horribta emineniM, Sisgen 

thnu eat thy hrtad ! " I sweet 

Wh&t liideotia cchu from moak- Of budi that btirg«on knit brooki 

ing; lipi I that Utet [Sprinsi 

Ringm thraaith this den of devpur i Beneftth the tonoh of tht waiac 

xaA dread, \ Come here, out «VM OB tUt 

Where thp hot ftimo mount* and — andaingl 



the dunk tttam drips H 

What devilJBh eolio oi word* di- 

TiDel" 
Oh, KoM hath flitter and gande are 

fine, 
And UiBunon nrtf sen and Mode 

Ills high. 



Sing, if the horror that jfriptTOV 

throat 
Will leave yon breath for om 

Kotdea note : 
RaTs 01 Uaroh in arhrthmienp- 

tnre; 
Vk hapeodi wof the tomlnx of Ua^, 



AndtheirthntDeaarebuedoiifAM Seek liom tha oaioUuix Lark to 
human Btf«l oapturv (lajr 

A till ul juy that shAll tire tour 

r:.i. ^ I' I''... .. _ 



"That hole of aorrow," the last 

dark det^p 
Of Dahtb's dream, naf no longer 

keep 



With a rural jubiliiuco attong lo 

drown 
Thu maddened moan of theae 

Uualli of Town. 





Maiob 17, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARrVARI. 




"OraldlMmnuBdrocRltTlifinetMidhoHfel" 
tfa Floruitiiw eried. What keia fierce flow 
Of l]rrio ferronj hath tre ur (urw 

To Kardi tfab tatne of voe F 

Tbe bD( hoan dull and slow 
Beat hearilf here, like the pulae cf ptin 
In > fontlthed vuiderer's (ailing brain. 
Corpsc'like glenineth each pkUid cheek 
Through the Inrid ilire uul the lo«Uuom« 

reek. 
'Ti» a fight for life, hnt «iwh kboured broftth 
In nnf BtfTi more oD the mad to death. 
Pity the slave in the pathlem awwiip, 
Tbe clatoh of jiestilenoe, cold nnd duip, 
Cloainr. closing, closing ill 11 
Oq puitine boBiJtii and palsi^ will I 
But these i-oor thraJla cf mermleM Tt»d» ? — 
Svutioieat may not ooat«nd with law. 
Hero ie a pURiie that oannot be atkyed. 

Iron doctrioe and learned taw 
Bar IhB way 
To a better day. 
TheM alavM matl uwvnl {••( their pitiful pay. 
And the Bwoaler is heavun-boni — to they 

Mjl 

Hearen-bom I Yei ; who ahall dare decline 

To Tield lu Et'oDomy 'a right divine, — 

That la ten I muuruallun 
Of C»'<ariim iu surdid fleeli ? 
For Biiula onDv taugted io Mammon's meah 

There's no emanotpatiun. 
Svw on, tew iru. in tuo clare and reek, 
Ve m«n unioaniied, and ye women meek. 
With back luw-oroaohinft. and bloodleu 

cihcekl 
Sew on, aew on. wMbt thb ^neltRhtii flare 
Through tKo sUHinK ntcam and thr taititud atrl 
Tbe jnnsIi-'-aeuur^e'B liiathBumi: laic 
Ie •WTOelf fuutcr. Whut dmh he oare. 
The Swcnler lauir— ao the roiKt round irold 
Krom bii hnman fumaor ia^ouiiy rolled f 
For hia ye toil, for hin jjain ye lire. 
Yoor liTta ape Inel to f«d hie fire. 
His the new Alchtmy— Mammon'a own, 

Trade'e Iriok ii trim ttniifn lion. 
Commereehath faund the PhLIusopher'a Stone; 
The ))oor man'i need 
U the source and aeed 
Of Wealth*! accnmnlalion. 
Fate hath ita formnla. life its plan T 
Thf maoy mm!, 'tis the few that ean; 
Uan'* ch«Bpeit tool it a help U si man. 
Can Joatiee oontend with Supply and 

Demand f 
So tlM Smatar beateth throughout the land 
Bie f amaoe fiett.'e. 
Yet a cry will pie-roe 
Now tad anon thniuiih the tainted air 
From tit* tortured creatures in torment there ; 
A mMn of sormw. a piteous prayer ; 
QMrtJoning faint if the bloated purM 
May elaim tn alter the primal curse 

At tta own swHit will and pleasure ; 
To abift it* w(iiitht if an artful glou 
Till Pcrrcrty'i share U the pun and low, 

A&d Wealth'* the eaae uid leisiire : 
Till, in Sweater*! faahion, the text is read, 
" In the tweat of (AtiVbrow shall] they cam 
my bread I" 

Hb*. R. ow rmi Scmm Aniiw.— Mra, RiM 
knowB nolhioR of whiet, and th^r«fnre it is 

J.oite intelligible why *he fail* to nee the 
one of a proverbial expreMi-in wbioh in- 
toItM eome acqaaintanoe with tbe game. 
She remarked tbe other day, " I never oould 
nnderatand the tense of th<' saying,' When in 
doabt, pU}' a ttumpel r Why 'a tnimpnti" 
No. my deHr, th^ro are »ora" iiroverhs 1 think 
tooliah, and that ie onuot thLin." On another 
recant oooukn tbeobwrvt'd, alluding to »ome 
of the pleafUTCa of a oountry life, " Ah, I 
love fowls. I remember when we lived in 
the wmntry. and used to keep a lot of Bant- 
ing." 




THE PREVAILING TOPIC! 

Stumjmm (in annctr to Taiboyi' yrtfting). " Ob, ALI. Kiuur. v 'twuk't rOB Tncai Eur 
Wisne ■■ 

raiiuyt [uAo 'I a lUtUharde/ luaHn^. "Twixal Ur uun Pillow, I coTConkTVLATX 
toir, I 'h aCKi. I 'd krai-i.t ko n»a von wan»-^AsD bow au ivir — all TbhxiI — 

1 flOPB " 

Stampmn [UtUfy—largr /amils alratdu). "I anatt SAT nuel Tvtan"—tfih(nUing] — 'I 
SAID TMI EAST WINDS 11" 



A Rim in WATRHr*Lb8.—"IIiann in London" ie nnquartionably the but paaoragu 
that baa yet t>e«n icen. Th•dMepa■>niBplrf*o^ and it is ditfi^alt in tho eitrematodeoid* 
where th« real ends and tha eUTta OOlttBUIIOM. Thn sorne is quite a" mttn urih," witbtt* 
wuode and flowen, and partienlarlr it* potei, althnugh th« last am tJ<1i>frraijhiii and not 
human. Attached to the view of the great waite (if anything can be called a wa^ite where 
a shilling u charged for adisiHioiil. of water* ie a rartawaBt «' l» carU or otherwiee. So 
that diners or loneben have no dlffieulty in diioovarinir wb*t ih«mU oome after the deli^:*, 
and, as they pleasantly ditoiuo ttw nod tliint* pvoridied for them, tbey oan mnrmor (with 
Shakspkabb), " What a fidl WU tlwl" 

Scotch Mutoki.— The Sootah Becky Sharp vxm* to have taken in eren Ilhe aatnto 
Profnnor Hucirt, who has written t> say that tbii wat no wonder, as |wa gnote from 
memory, int^ndin? to riunto from i(i,«c:««) " she would have taken in the DoQ hinuelf." 
And yet thn Uttrr poraonairn ii not so Dlockie a* he is pilntcd. &> wbioh ought to hare tbe 
bett or wi>rst of it, Anld Clootie or An!d Blackii? 



* 



121 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL 



[Makob 17, 188S. 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

miriACTiD man 
THE DUBT OF TOBY, M.P. 
ffoitt* of Commam, Mrmday, Marsh j.— Orand ktttek to-lJglit 
Qpon Oi>T«TDm«itt in reipeot of irstam of NstinoAl DefslWe*. 

OiipcHiliun Klmoit (■loluiively coaduotod bf wurriors Mttad nn 
Hmistenal buIb, uid a)n&ll]r r«i(Krd«l fti FriendUs*. Hlied ioTw* 
itrava from Arntjr and ^'■v1^ : appp&rtd to bo aotinjt od individiiftl 
aoouuiit; cuiiduD(«l Kitkcik in jcuiTiIti fiutii<<Q. But The nhnte 
furos under learct (niQiiiiiud ft C^ucral Lurd OittNixiLpn, V.C. 
who occ'ipiL-d ft iiifB [KHtuon un kii rmiupnuB til>iT>> OiaKWuy. and 
oaltivtied the exprcauDQ ii( NtPiLKOS crutainj; lliv A1[)t. 

Captain Ci>i/>]tu led uU. VV&i in faat, u IlBiiDiiicr uld, "the 
kdnuioa Culoub." Uia tootios titrafirdinarr. but cit oew. Vety 
uld itorr, eapeoinllf in ABiatio •wniiut, fur attaukinK putT to 
■dranoe with liiud crieB. Coloub adopted ttila Btrat«Ky with nn- 
qaalilied Buooeia. lief^nc hia apceoh Bt lupmoBt uut« of powerful 
Tuice. and kept it up fur n^urtr aa hoar. "If the Mouumunt ooold 
ipeak," Baid AuriiDii Bii-nioit, pnttinff hi« hands to hia can, 
"BuppoBB its oonTcraalional tone would be iomethinic Uke Colomb's 
whrn iiddroHinif Hnuae of Cammoci." 

Kffcct remarkahle, Cooipleteiy (i!««r«d vptix iiamidiately roand 
hiu. At early hour of eB^ajteweot Bhooled CniLDBas olean off 
Fnmt OppoBitioa Hunch. A Tolley of Bctitens^s delirerird in rapid 
muoMtion at the about, atruok Houii Si.tmtriUT in the ahdoniL-n like 
a pieoeof old redatcdstone. " Subiequcnt procredictr^ interested him 
no more." Even Oeaera! Lord O&inuuu'o, T.U., though not imme- 
diately within ranae, bo alnrmed by ricochet of riulenlly Hunt; 
»Bntenoe»i that he took early opportunity of retiring to hii tent. 
Only for hi» wig, which deadi^netl Bound, Spkakeu would hare trono 
to hia chop Btone-deaf. Uld Morality, writrng letters in his for-oS 
room, BO Btanr by one of Couma'a obB«rvatioa«, that he Beat la 
word U> offtr Stleot CLimmittee at onne. if Coi.ntin woald ihout on 
moT« about Royal Cummiuioa. ST4Fn>aD Noktboote entrasted 
with mesuite ; oould not etacd the btut when within gpeakin^ dia- 
tanoe, and after KaUant effort retired, laayinK CoLoun erect, solitary, 
and triumphant, in the waste he hud created. Kiniabed np with a 
tcrrifln tornado of psroraticio, and amid the profound liknoe that 
•ooincd thoroafter to rnifn, the few Burviving Membera thought they 
heard faint ceho of roics "caltinfc attention to present oanaition of 
our Military and NnTal reaourcfe*." 

Thi* w»« W*i.T«n BAamrLor brinjin^ up reaerre*. and mOTing; 
(of Royal dimmiaiion. C'ilomb had had thn first pi inw with Arnend- 
ment, which duly appeared on.the psper. Ooe of earliwt Tiotima of 
the terrjiic atorni was thia AmendmeDt. Pulveriaed, ahattered, 
blMt«d into epaoe; nnt a trace of it l»ft. 8a IlARrritLOT Rot hie 
ohanoa. A« pieoe of •trat«Ky, thtB moT« thoroittchly »uooeittul. 
Miuiat«rt to onDerred and BDaken by oontinuoit* toniado, hadn't 
nervB foraavthinif. Oppotition'atao (ifenoed. So Gbuid'h.ph, V.C, 
bruuKht up lii« men one after thr other. inotudiDit Bibeifogd. who 
pounded away at Treaaury Bench till thc>re wasn't a sound timber in 
it« DjnatTuotion. Bat honoun uf th« day remained with the rever- 
bcratinir Colohb. 

Batinft done. — Finnish 
round Army Eati mates. 

Tuiiday. — Quits B Scotdh 
dnbntB to-ninhl. Lively, too. 
with Dommcndable abatucc of 
jocularity. Okuhob Cahfhell 
betan it. Hurnl addition to 
Nnw RulfB providinc f-ir Sootoh 
Grand Oimmittee. Convincing 
Bpeeeh, but nut nearly «u elo- 

Soent as the way in which Sir 
■onna auhsiquentlT wrestled 
with hia knees ai speaker 
■iter speaker followed, 
tad oaaual oonverBation 
eotarited into art debate. 
It waa OiapsTusB set 
the ball ruUiOK. Not 
often a ohanoB of pr«- 
•enttDf hinurlf betoie 
HuuM ID capacity ot 
Sootoh Memhur. Sud- 
denly reraemberad lo- 
iii|[t)t ha* Soutoh blood 
In bla broina, and 
T«pr«Mnta Scotch eun- 
Blilneney. Unfortun- 
ately H»,BO(>caT absent „,_ jeUon's Ot«itation. 
Ouierwiae h«, too, wonld 

hare rcMlled bia de«!ent from tie Sicanra, and urjed appoistnunt 
i/JWtfli Standing ConmittM. 



"1-^ 




It waa Mam firtwABT wh« broagbt op OLiDBioirK, A quiet 

thonfhtful man is Mabk. Perhaps a little fuoereal in naiitier. 
His habitual woe nfigTtrttei lA-ni|{ht by a sudden rift ot •eooad 
sight. CAUPncLL'a Motion plain and praoUeal enoogli to ordinanr 
men. &tkwa«t Worked much below anrfaoe. Under Cavpbui. ■ 
maffler he aaw the "peard" of Home Rule, Behind that he saw the 
riisettablishment of the Church. BoLlos, who had b«tt iurtiTely 
tbinkinit of voting for tlie Motion, rtlajited into' state of perturbed 
thoDghtliilneea. Oladstdhr joyonaly jqmped Qp and thr*w h)ms«U 
into the tray. 

Aft«r this the armiet w<^re set in battle array. Housa anmmoned 
to consider Proondore Riji^, lannchcd forth into Homo liula 
Debate. The Front Opposition Bench filUd np with ^oaor bbk 
eager tor the fray. 6eurge CaHPBELt's kneea were nuaed oiglur 
aud higher, and huffed in inorpasinK «atisfaotion. Th* load«r (h* 
oontrovrrsy raged, thB higher hix exaltation. IUpMt«d to hiiBstU, 
ia aort of eoalaay. a bng-forgullen stasia :— 

" what a parish, wbiit a terrible panab. 
wbat a pariah ii Little Dueksl' I 
Tbcy has hangit the ministet, drairaaJ Ihs prt**ntor, 

iJunt daira Iba steeple, and druokeo the bell! " 

At midnitht drew on, CoiniTitET conld stand it no long«T. Had 
t«n minat«t of wild delight Turned upon TiiEraLTAH, battarad 
Bktck, andnearlysaapDedoSCAnrBELi^BANiTGiutAii'sheadbMaaa* 
he had presumed to ahalte It. 

" Woli, well," said CAMPBii.t-BAHKrBii*w. when he had reooTtred 
from tf-raporary fright, " yuu shnuldn't erudge CocuTHKr an oooa- 
sional lliug. Thtnk of all he niust enSei when ha liti in Chair, 
closely follows a debate, and feels the temptatioD to rite and allow 
BUi^easive disputants what fiwdt tbev are, and Ihnd. flia worct 
sutleringa muit hn terrible. Can't grudge hun a little blood-lattui(." 
Admirahie debotc, but— 

Satin f I done. — Nun*, 

Thurtday A'lVie.— Genera] Lord OuimoiJV, V.C, girt oa Mb 
iword. put on all hiB medaU (including 
the JuHdee). tighteood his belt and at 
beat of drum, lieiug on the atruke of 
hatf-ptut four, stepped into the brcaoh. 
A gallant sight that ttirred all hearts. 
tjpeoial interest in manieuvre, it being 
wciiaptred that Obandolph, haring 
atrategioally ordered BAurtKLot on ia 
adtance, would take an opportunity of 
ehootiDg him in the back. A> for Minia- 
ters Ihty were sure to be peppered. Only 

Seopta who felt safe were the natural 
ppuiition on benches opposite. Kvery- 
ono near tha General felt nnoomraonly 
uncomfortable. On the war pracoe lor 
an hour and a half. Bullied SfAJiaopB, 
jeered at GoficnKN, and made the whtto 
teeth of Old Morality Bhake in their 
aooketa. But BaBiTKLOT aomehow 
ueaped. Probably GB»s»OLFn forgot 
him. or by accident Bh<>t tbi) wrong man. 

Pretty toaee the face of the Colons !i and 
the CiptaiuB a! OR*Nlioi.pn prattled of 
hayontts and loui-ht his biittb-so'er again. 
Diiln't know whither to laugh or cry, sat 
gi'iomily lilent. HaHi.KT ao unnervrd 
that, presently riaioE and being met with 
cries lor diviaion, sileatty and nproach- 
fully regarded th« House aud tat down 
without a word. ._ »■ ■ c- ■. 

All this line to to see. But nothing to ■*'' Kl-iquent Speeoh. 
Inter appearance of Old Morality in quite new ohamotcr aa Man of 
Mystery with proposal about alt*rn«tiTe inquiry which ahoold 
■npersede BAKWeLOT's dumand for Royal Coinmiaiioo. Sort of 
thimhle-tigKing buainesa. Thore was pea in the ihape of sheet of 
ni>te-p«per on whieh proposal WO" written. Thcr* were thr»« thimbiM 
repre>ent«d by aa m«u¥ oonf ii«vd *t*t*mpnta attiimptM by 0. M, 

^' Cnd>>r which thimble is the pea )' " Old Morality uked, looki 
as Joseph Oii.US aoid " more morailer than ever." 

CuiLDBHBsaid it waa thtrt : CAiiriiw.i..B*ss»:it¥*ir dcdvcd It 
waa Tniual Waltks BaBTTELOr was certain he ooold apot tlw 
thtmtite. As for OaaHDOLPa. waxing hi* moustache so aa to look at 
teatt like NAruLicua tub Tbibu. be said there waa no p«s at alL 
Old Mftralily very angry. Suen* of general coniaaiaa. Spkaku 
put Amendment. Bahttklot didn't oballaQge dinaioii: weioK 
which, Irish M( mbers obligingly pressed tor a dividoB, l%at aaa 
of war. OaAiiii(ii.ru, V.C. auddeoly stricken with mat for. U 
Hoiue dmd«d. poverty of hiB fesi'urces would b« duetotad. Tlw 
Oilooels and th» rsptnin* wDuld Bland by the GoTenacnt, and Ui 
Qraod Army wonld be revealed aa men ia buckram. At doae <d 
boor and half* ap«rch he bad aukmnly dedarad «ut TVto for 




, lookinf 



^ 



MuoH 17, 19B8.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



136 



AneodnMBt. Kow by w»jr of poBt»cript blabbered out "Don't 
diride ! " Irah Mpmhern laaghert ; kept him in itnte ol terror for 
tiro or tlmw DtiDiitu< ; then allowed Amendment ta be negAtived. 
So til* (TWt batlU endtril in »moke. 
Pmumm livne.— Got into Cnnimittee on Arm)* Entimate*. 

Friday Nigkt.—SMio-BtKiiKn walkinr nbont Lnbbf in rtther 
km tmilU. Bill for hi« Mktur on tgmin to-dt^r, luid Bgaic blocked 
br Inah Memb«n. "What mUM iDcidi<Dt pecall&rlf emburuoinr 
W, ttiat tbu Under Secretary to the Chief Secretary to the Lord 

Llvntfuant liud listFiied with ai^tiruvJD;; intWwt,to Oowben'n luoid 
ezpusitiuu ul bin eiihi-mu tor uonveralon ol National Dabt. Euta- 
Hauiin meant tu driw dret iiuarter'sMlwrTJIltdvanoe, tind convert 
it iiilu CunBoIe. I!ul Tuf Ukilt Btix^lAhl* way: JosK DtLLon 
waved bim back : even T. W. HusfKtX tlUB»d npOD him. Bill 
fortlier deUvcd, and iroldrn oppurtonity pueed. Sat without emo- 
tioQ tbrcm^ii evening aitlini; debkte, when 8»^ ot QiiMn ADno'e 
Gale pmpcs^ la do away witb LUe Lords. Once thiit woold hare 
■bwktd Kt»u-ilitiijitF<*i iK'nailire mind. Now pri^pared for any- 
tbiBR— rjpceialiy ta giio tecei[)t for first uuarler'n Mlary. 
BuiHiMt lion*. — Doom of fiouM of Lonu delayed. 



THE ROSE AND THE RING. 

Vor that it wai ■ ring or a DCokUoe, bnt ^amonds in some thape. 

The Bo«e i* itoinK to be. or 
ii already traiuplaDt«d. On 
Harah 2, Lord L\TnoM 
w<^t down to Liverpool on 
hi* knMt — no, wvnt down 
to LiT»rpooi and tlitn weot 
on hill knre»— tcllie charm- 
in|t prima ihnnn, iipr«ad 
out aiamundi at hvr feet, 
and MDKi " ^tof > prithte 
tHay -' " or would have »nnK 
it had he remembered thu 
\ tune, and \i Dsubioldius 
OrauTiCDS could have 
prompted him with tbe 
word*. But Colocel M*- 
Mjcaoy {icmi-Colon-el, not 

Th» OoWel) wa« i nsiorable, 

and ta ahe aoocpted the tee- 
timonlal of pietioua itonei. 
And iu a speech a* pretty 
aa herself, the Cactatriee 
appearinir aa a Bluib Roee, 
thanked the asiambted com- 
pany, and atiA" AuTeroir.'" 
Mr. Punek wiabe* yoii, 
V T J t .1. . k V , Madamo Ui&m ItoiK, and 

0M> i& your Amene«B lonr, and will rejoioe to weloome yon on yonr 
fUnn. Haay happy " rtturna." 




ANOTHER ODE TO MARCH. 

(JM>9 * CmimUtNatt ta Ur. A. C. Swnbunt^* rkyOirnvml i*^mdu in 
lAf "AimtUmA Cmltiry." By mt vilut Am nrfuTi^ "hmnui m 
tmfirrinif " ^Aat lu nuffatvun to " Ittxh in tmg,") 



Ekx fmit-iilQah and mow-aloppinir dried np and vent, and the 

horror* of Winter had ulid oat of oiitbt. 
The war* of the wood pavement fooler were far than a alay-ooontry 

Ua* on a moeky March night, 
Tba b(Mth of the month of tbe wind* had etabbed tu through top- 

Mtta and muffler*, and niiuie ue afraid. 
Sooh hnmohial bother*, «iiob bloeaumy noiei, Buoh frost-bitt«ii 

flngiers for man and for maid 1 
Tbe tea waa not lovelier then than the land, each appvsrod in a 

di«mal and de«olat« pliffat ; 
But the Wint«r i* not *o mneh worw than the Bprins-time ; eaoh 

play* np the mi«ohief with pleaeure and trade. 
March, maater of wind*, i* a fiatutent fraud, a marihal of banes and 

ft brincer of bUxht. 

u. 

&bA now that the nm of yonr rhythmical rapture, yotir reral of 

rhyming ku fl.ni*Bed He flow. 
Oh, incoattnont ALaKKSOV CnasLia, what the dicVeni yoa mean by 

■neb mbbUh 1 i^uU like to know. 
How, how eea yon Ion nd njoioe, yon, leader and lord wf th« 

lyrirta of «nr*o* and eoora, 



la a beast of a month that half drirfa oue to madneu, and makM a 

man wiali he bad never been bom ? 
ffaF« you ahaken tho anew from yuur shoea od a doormat, with frnt 

hare your uuae and your Ijpi been ailow F 
SttP3 you met a Matob wind ooming sharp round a eomer, your 

mankintoah drenobed and your giujham all torn, 
And tried t> take breath in the nip of Sorth-Eastera T So, 

Aiauufox CiftuLiw, or you'd nerer talk m .' 

m. 
Fain, fain would I have bnt af ain all the health and the oomfort 

March blaiit* have ditpelled and coaiumed ; 
I tail you, my lad, if you tip ni laoh drivel, your famt u & bard ii 

dtcidwily doomed. 
Com«, candidly. Aloebnoit, now, tb yoa nliib theae naia-ra*pui( 

vriuda, and these Bhue-aOtldSC ah0W«nf 

Oet outi 'tun't possible, SwtSBtrurs, my boy ; you are lonfinr, 

like UB, for tbe enn and the flower*. 
Why tell taradiddles ounoernlnK a month, when one etily b waia 

when in bed ho 's entombed. 
When pneumonia's rampant, brooohitis about, and rhenmatical 

paoi::* are onr lot at all hours? 
Oneamile of the aun whtn the sweet June wake* him I* wortb all the 

" inaw-floirBCB '' that Vfcr hare bloomed. 

IT. 

When the ninthioe qnenohee the raowihiiu— «a*a it t— when Apnl 

hook* it, and June follow* Hay, 
TheiH may be a little look in for the poet, and (Ant, if you Uka, my 

dear bov, hari> your eay. 
'Uidal tbe uave* we may dream, and deeire, and rqolce, with a 

eoatforonramiles aud thaTikticiviuics, But now? 
Von'rOMml^aa it* hares for thu muldest and saddest of month* 

to kiok np *nch a rhythmioal row. 
And aomewhere aurely the sound ol the laughter of nookiOK demos* 

must coho yotir lay, 
Tho imps of Lumbago and Influeoia, tho wheezy cheat, the ncnralgio 

brow. 
Host chortle loud in their Arutio cmpiro, to think tboy hare nobbled 

one bard anyway. 

T, 

Ara yonr feet at eaie in a pool of w»ter, when wind* blow cold from 

the wa«te North Bea f 
Oh, it 'a all very well in a flowory lyrio, yoo know that in fact it i» 

fiddle-de-deo. 
Do©» tbe Eftst wind snit yonr eyes F Doea the blait of an iceborg'i 

breitthiiitt ii9ei*t your br(Ath F 
li March, with the wild North-easter raging, a* fine a thine a* yonr 

poem saith f 
1* there uot eome rot in yonr rapture of paaeion, reiterate mellowly 

thonRh it may b(i ? 
Our hearU revolt at the blaat of your-olarion, CaULO. Upon wind* 

we 'ro aware you are death ; 
Bnt leave to Kwssi.itr the " brave NorUi-eaeter ; " tnmt fudge like 

tiu* let the world go free. 

n. 
For tho " brcftth of it* lip* " ia faunkom, and hunkan the fulsome 

praiie of your flowinjr •one. 
"QladgodofthaHorth-eaatwindr' Great (.'.«ib! SwiNiitTBirB. 

dear boy ,^ that it comiux it atrjoj; ! 
Ita kingdom U — terror, and turpentine plasters, mustard ponlttcc*, 

ipecac, wine. 
Night lit with the flame ot the night-Ugbt ditmal. tbe nmpy oongh— 

yoa sbuuM just heir mine I 
Xo BlMp f<>r tbe icaspiugs that deepen and qnioken, for ferered faneie* 

a flert thrviii. 
The worli knows well that the month'* a nnitanoe, and yon may 

depend wiM at onoe decline 
To be diddled e'en by yonr ditbyrambic ; beeanae, old fellow, we know 

your 're wreng. 

rii. 

Tbe body is drenched one diamal moment, the next on*'* ikta i« u 

dry a* rtirch. 
Ita rains that ohtU n* am mo«tdi*gTuting,'and equally ao are it* galea 

that parch. 

What ! kmdic mortaU to loT* and laogbter by landing the beattUeet 

winds thjt blow 1" 
Arouse nnr fondiKM for wintry wetneM, for choking dust or for 

blinding snow ? 
No, no. yonr Itpi are eloquent, Aloxxxor, aet in Apollo'* own 

geruine Bfofi ; 
But n«itht<r the fl«me that flree yonr IropM, nor the fervour that 

eetleth your figana aglow, 
Bhall gammon ni UU tba f ktuotu folly of Baking a god of the wind 

ofMatohl 



ri 



I 




POND AND FOOLISH. 

Sdw<ti (luddmlj/, after a long pnuie). " Dablhiu \ " Angelina. 



IBiluKit 0!d OejUUman tmlt futtt tick. 



GERMANY. 

Stbickci with softdw* m with d»rt on d«rt, 

With folded pi nioni, but unfwlinK heart, 
The Triiton Engb »iU, oanatriiined U> muk 
That iplendid euii >ink in ths deepeninB duV> 
80 gloTittxiB iL GDurAe ahuuld have a flloie 
Ab oalmlf Knduii! aa the twilight roBe 
Of a lonK day of June that imftlj' hlandl 
With haitemnjt night, and in huahed silenee endi. 
Not so the Fat«> ordained. TeraptBtiioui olouda 
SuTTound tho mn>et, lowerinit sorrow >hroudi 
It* latot irleaniinK», Rolden, yet, md grand. 
it Binlcn. and eadiieJia atrika< porofiq the land. 
When Thule'a king his goldon piblet hurled 
To tho grey depths that wa«h around the world. 
What thuuphts poHCamd hie Tusali aa it sank 
To lodRe with shattered wrecks and aea-wraok dank t 
" Ha drank no more," that monarnh old and hraTS, 
Worthy arown-wearer. " leal nnlo the (trave." 
An older, mightier King, aa alrnit, as leal, 
Ereot >a some tall pine, and tense aa ate«l, 
Haa bowed to the faat foeman, and at latt 
The well-woa cap of oonqaeat from hitn cut- 
Whither? A world in wonder waiU tii «ee — 
Waits with bont head and ailent lympathy ; 
And Kngland, from her isle I'vyiimi th<; loam, 
liook* to that high hnt sorely stHck?o home, 
Whanoo ■ irrcat prnsenoe psMe*, with a prayer 
That the Whit* Dotb of P*»oo may settle thero. 
As o'er that f«a where sinks the sun, where Hit* 
Kightt ihadow, ud that watohfol Eagle sttf. 



SovjTDs LiKi It." — U th« GoT*mm«nt'a nupiotnu are ooa- 
^ br pontire ertdeDoa, ovsr Mme el the Ntrt Btorti will hAye 
wliSw;, "^tiMnrStonm." 




GEORGE JOKIN GOSCHEN. 

[Cha Lui.) 

Tsi neat saooaH of the CnaNncLLos of the Eicanim ai a 

{Qnstcr Das been to muked that lo, FlMt Street bu been ahsulately 
loded with inqniries as to the ways and mvana ailoptM by the 
Right Hon. Gentleman to produce his briUiaot eSeote. The eiool- 
lent jeu de nioC about Mr. Wtjiohim being "00 the Spree" • while 
Btaying in Berlin (a pun whioh, it is aaid, has been translat«d into 
every European langnajfe} anpears to have been thrown off as a care- 
fully prepared impromptu : hnt the companion plaiianltrie about the 
Conrt Theatre beinR " no Criterion " t shows traces of great«r elabora- 
tion. It is, of oonriie, aorainat etiquette to answer tho qneslion 
whether Mr. Gosches writea for the periodioa! in whioh these lines 
appear, but it may be eafely oonjeotiir*d tint nothing frDm hia 
aooomplished pen has ever been pablishpd in these pa^a. We hope 
on a fatnre oooaaionto fully explain the manner in which the " O>mio 
CltAI!CsiJ.OH " oonoocta hii amnsini; oono^its, bnt at prMent (aa onr 
soheme requires a irreatdeal of taot aod bribery) we must rpquest oar 
readen to rest eatislied with the publioatiou ot the following quaint 
ODinlciand oddities that have caused endless mcrrimeot doHng the 
past week wherever they have been related. 

The Cbanckllob, the other eveuinK. waa witnetsinc the per- 
formanoe of MIm AnnRaaon in the Winlfr't Talt, at the Lvoenn, 
when he oaDed hi» Private Seoretary'a attention ta the faot tnat the 
eharming young at^treas aprieated in two riUi. "This tnakn ne 
believe, said the l-li^rLt Hon, Gentleman, ** that oitr delightful 
American visitor moiil be very xeeilbrtd!" The Private Softrftary 
had to leave the box in oonvnUions of langhter. On reachiug UiJe 
tubhy, however, the yoong man gave a proof of hia inainceritj by 
eryiug like a ohild. 

Lfjrd lIiuBimT, in oondoottng the I.nniey Aeto Amfndnent 
Bill through Committee, waa heud to marmur to himeeU. "Thli 
measure ahouldbavE been introdnoed in PariaratlucttMii InLoodoo. 

* Tfan (i[>rw Sa tha rirer on whioh the sapiul cf Prui^ ia sUuatfd. To b< 
" on Ibg Byrce " impliea ihat the pcrwn m dMoribed li in a ^Mrful fnm* 
of miDd. 

t " The CriMiitn " is tin naae of Mr. Ttkdilik'i Lsndoa tboUre. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONMN CHARIVABL— Makcb 17, 18S8. 




b? 



GERMANY. MARCH 9. 1888. 



X 



Maroh 17, 1&S9.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



139 



It woaUlM more liltelrto hold mter thcrt thu horn." ••VfhjJ" 
wked Lord Honnousx, on the broad gria, who had orerheinl the 
mnttered remark. "B«Ranae," replied Mr. 0<i$cbbn, prumptly, "it 
not oalj deala with litnatios, bat i> aUo inUndtd ta proUct the 
Seine!" Lord HcRtcHiiX wa« bo maGh amtiied at th« pleaEintir 
that he fiiritnt to ar^ hftlf tlia ameiulnient* of which ha had giTen 
privnta Rdtire. 

Tbo CBAKi;in.U)K oi the ElCtrKatniB the other innraing. nttiag in 
the Honmi of Commoni notioed that the mace waa as asual on the 
table. Turnioff to the MarguU nt HAnnxoTDS, he pi>itil«d out the 
bsaniifnl workmanibip nf thtt wraiion thiit was onoe d«ianated hy 
CuoMKKi.L "a bauble." He tAM, wiih a iimile, " Ilsaily, that 
HaM in vtiTj tpjoy." Mr. LAinccnauK naid it wu the beet thing 
be had hi>tird lu bis lite, atid oaaunenced ft livvly ooQreru.tioa on 
the viilue <it EiTTpUau «i^csaritieit. 

I» i« netdleea tu mj that the latrod action of the ConTertion Scheme 
fftTe the gatirioal atatiamao au oi^ponuuity of makioit a lamt mirth- 

GOTokinif rpmnrk. Luuohiiiir with Mr. BRinciuon and the Areh- 
ihop o( CiNTEKBiTBT (wbo had juit relurucd from a vitit t<> the 
Pelioiiu Clul)]. ho ohocrrod. " I am afraid yuu fellowi thiok that I 
am fund ol tiiikiu^ Bhr.'p. Not a bit ul itf But you ten thiD Con- 
vereiuii Huhi'me ut mina is the ' iMreeuter uf attraction.' " This eioeU 
lent quip waa reoeived with roara of lauifhter from uoder tbo table. 

Bat perhapi tJie eent of the uulUotiuu le auothtr joke, wbiiih wu 
deliTand ODir a few daj-i siiiae. Tht^ Chancellor oi the ExcnKQirm 
WU dttiBK la hia room at the Trcaaur]' wlieu hu iiotii!cd that the door 
WW not quite closed. " Why Ib the diior out aduori' " he asked, tud- 
dcnly of the mecaeneer who waa briuRicj; iu hi> luuoheon. " Beoaoae. 
Hr, wai th» ptumpt reply. " it ia a-jar.'" "Not at all." returned 
the witty CiibiD«t Mimiter: "broauae it is on tgrtit {a ntgrnt]." 
8ume d)Dan]iIeTt in a cellar who ovnrheard tbo igmark were «o 
kmojed with it thtt they thru and there abnudoiied th? ir dreadful 
pnrpoae and ndopttd the pritieiplea irf the Liti^ril Uniunigti. 

Othti ptiiii arc expected hourly. They will be reourded on their 
arrival in our neit. One, turning upon Mr. Oj.iii»rojf« being "axed" 
•omtitlung, ia Dearly completed. 



COMIC CLERICS. 




Wbstkeb one of the retalts of that myalerioos Assoeiatioa whteh 
•Dtilled it»lf ■■ The Church and SUtro Guild" (doea it rot eiiat ?) 
aUT have been to enrioh the rfperloirt e( the Slajre at the eipeose 
oi UA Chnrob, 1 un not aware, ctut OL'rtaia it is that, within the last 
few years, we have had more Comio 
Cler/iymea on the boards than at any 
previous time in the hitlcry of tho Drama, 
The waim-heortL-d, ready-witted Irish 
Priest was at oue time inseparable from 
any Irish play after the striking suooeia 
of Father Tom in BonaciPLT*8 Colleen 
Sawn. When this aharauter waa played 
out, there entered upon the scene the 
Muscular English ClerRTmau. ever ready 
to knock dowu an atlfritvtd pariehiuner, 
to foil a villain, and prolect Tirtue in 
distress : and, indeed, until some more 
recant liramatiita came to the rescue, and 
revived the RalUnt Sailor, it seemed at 
one tims not improbable thtt the ex- 
tremely Kentlcmanly but decidedly Pue- 
nociouB Parson would supplant the Uritiab 
Tar in the atfcctiona of the theatre'Ketnjc 

Khlio. But at tho Adelphi, under the 
lerredly auGccBsfuI regime of tho 
Messrs. Oatti, the T. P. (not "Tav 
P«y") Owkioa spirit has beon summonsd from (he vasty deep, and, 
havuif b«oam« embodied <n Ttrritt Firmii. is onoe more the peuplo's 
darlinri~Do •UuiioQ being hereby intended to that nariua store, 
DtDttad. 

TIm B*!i4 af Itotltmttt ohime in with the notions of the Adelphi 

Sttrana, and it wonld now be difficult for any author leas meliow 
r*m\tl« than Pk-mTT, Sills 9t. Co.. to break what Mr. Smsii 
OkCXDT, when somn fow years a|ro tie cmililn't get a piece of his 
prodacM anTwhnre. nii"d, in the bitt^mens of his soul, to call " the 
rintr," S> tlie Ktsir'^Snilor onoe mor^ tlnda his home at the Adelphi, 
•sd th4 Mnacmlar Mini>t<'r only puts in an occasional appeariuoe ; 
but tb« OoBlio Cli-rin is uhjiniitivrn. Who beffan it ? I r»[her lunoy 
Mr. W. 8. OlLiiuit WM lb« first to stsrt bim, when he turned Mr. 
RirnJXD Bxanixsrov into » Rerereod Vicar in the oostumo of an 
ArchdMOOn,— the aroheit tA Arohdeacoss, — telling as, in a tuneful 
ditty, of fail hinatM tortxmrt u a "Dale young curate," thoufth of 
OOnTM tUa rMit4l <A his tnooeu witn the ladies was not of aach a 
urtoreu to brJnir the blu»h to the cheek f>f "the young person," 
DO BAtttr how msch or how little cheek sbe might pitisess. The same 
tutbor OMM pit ft Sithop on the stage of the Haynarket, and, not . 




^jMr. AwA welrotDist the 
^per. Jahaniv Tiioir, II. A. 



to mention other examples that will i>eoar to the hAbitutl playroar'i 
memory, there was Mr. PuLiras that ridicolon* Uttle parson in 
The PrieiiU SftrrUiry, who revelled in "Ba-tth biius," and 
"didn't like London," and the Ut« Mr. Jom» CLArrnir's Dtan—t. 
De«n every inch of him, poor fellow!— lo Piiotso's Dnniy Diek, 
who got into all sorts of scrapes, was taken wi) by the P'llio*. and 
was toroed to submit to evry kind of todignity. 1 believe Mr. 
Wilson BAkBitTT is also playing ths part of a Clergrman just 
now, but as I have not yet witnested his performance, I oan only 
suppose that the humour of the p%rt would probably be rnor* 
euntle than in the instances above- mentioneil, though this would 
not necessarily prevent the imp"rsoaalion f rum beiug olaiied with 
them as one amonif siiih geouiuely uomio creations. 

And now our old favourite, Mr. J. I,. Toole, adda one mor« 
picture to the olerico-tht<atrical portrait gsllery, and appear* as 
the Rm. Mr. atilltkm, Af. A., Deau and Tutjir of St. Uark's College, 
Camford. IleiBonly eaUed "Mr. MMiken. JI/./*."in the play-biTi: 
and though in somaCoUenatheDenumay be a layman— I remember 
an instance in [loint. Wnere the offiue was only temporary and 
nominal — yet It is not to in this piece, as the olericsi eharaulcr 
of Mr, Miittkfn is emphasised by hii puiutiiie out to hia fellow- 
tutor, that there ia a CulleKe living vacant, to which ho should like 
to retire on his marriage. 

To tee Mr. Tools In cap and gown with Oxford M.A. hood, 
livikiog quite the type- of an old -faahioned College Don, is eiquiiitely 
funny iu itself, and he ia supported by s really good working 
oompanj, for whom tlio piBoo seems tu have been written, as it 
would M diffloolt to imagine a heartier landlady of the " Bull and 
MLlro" tlua Hiat EniLr Thohkk, any one more suited to the 
lively young-lady -like part of Kilty than Uiis Tiolkt V*N*KUon, 
or a belter than Miss UsKii LutotM for the ingenuous Dura, who 
is Bueh an artless thing as to bo utterly ignorant of College life, 
althoutrh (iuit« up to making a Very good pun about " fir»t-clasa," 
and who sets so nigh a value on truth that she only Uti it appear, 
as som« unique jeirel is worn by its fortnnat* poaiosior, oa very ran 
OOoasiona. 

Mr, BiiJJHttTOM is another excellent Fellow— of a College. I 
mean ; scarcely a type of any recognised species of the resident 
University Otlloial, out the sort of Ftlliiw that a retired Indian 
DilDnrl might be expcctcil to make. The young men, Messrs. Otn- 
PiNEB and Lowwa are both very good, the latter being a life-like 
representative of tR« ordinary Undergraduate ; and youthful Mr. 
Adbuxt BoDacACTLT loolis and aot* as tb« boy he is and is meant 
^) be. Mr. Sa»LTos gives us a fair specimen of the College gyp, ai 
aonustomsd to fsmiiiantj with his youthful masl«rs as was Sam 
WrlluT with tho Pickwiokiuia. and of c-otirtw bis manner with the 
Dean ia permissible ia the broadly faruiosl situstious iuveiit«d by 
the joint authors, Mr, and Hrt. UBBHtn Uesitile. Miss Kstb 
PniT.i.lra acl« in her eprightliest manner, looks her prettiest, 
and dre«»ee «plendat;iously, as she is bound to do in Commemoration 
Week; bat the part presents no special oharauteristivs whiuh can 
differentiate it fr-jm the "turk "lively widrjw." so useful in ecmody. 

8o Bnah for the iadtviduals. The dialiigue is sometimes epigram- 
matic and generally amusing. The repeated iifuiro^ue strnuk ms aa 
rather foreed. and all that 1 could clearly make out was th-it^.TooLR 
was a JJran in dilGcullles— which, after all. Is (|Uite sulEoient when 
fou go tu eiijoy Mr. Toole's peouliarlr rich and broad humour. 
1)}' the wny that any nudergraduatts could pi.<)sibly, tor iine minute, 
mistake ^li•l^ Linden iu oip and gown over her ordinary dress, 
without even a shirt-coltar and tie. for one of themselvi-s. cii.'oeds 
even the Itmite of farcical improbability. This defect can be ea^y 
remedied by the lady herself, 

I hked Thii BuHer better than Tha Don, as far ai intrigue goes, 
but perhaps the lutt^rr hat the advantage in dialogue. Anyhow it ia 
well worth s>:temK. f';r the take ol the Kev. Johnhie Toole, Dean — 
(ahl I was juat goice to write "Johhnik Dean," and to thoaa 
who remember him what a genial olerio he would have mode !} — 
Dean of Bl. Mark's College, Camford, whose portrait as the droUett 
Dun imaginable will be another welcome addition to the Qallery of 
the Comic Clertts of the l^Lngliah Utage. Jack di tas Box, 

Cafital Naxbi a ms Atlu^— Last week that distinguished 
Afncau expt'^rer, Mr. Joiith Thomson, talting leave of hia trteodt, 
left London by tJie Oeeana, to spend some time in the Atlas Moun- 
tains and MoruMU. Ttie duigars of the expedition are shared with 
him by Lieut. Hixou) Cue htos- Browne, the son of the admirable 
Sir Jamk8 III that Uk. U the proverb " Like lather, like son " boMs 
good iu this case, the young Sooltiih Borderer will not be long 
before he has benefited the human raoc It appears that the Dnka 
of CAitBEiDaE, rtougniiing the merits ol Mr. Uauolu Cuicktox- 
BaUWHK, has given him a year's leara of abaenot to prosecute hit 
inqutrias. An eicellont book may be expected aa tho outcocae of 
thcM leaves t»und in Uortvnn. Everyone must wish the gallant 
tiplorers tutosw in the w:ld lands ihey are abuat to tiavOM, and 

speedy retarn hooM to their native •onatry. 




130 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 17, 1888. 





THE BRITISH PASSION FOR INEQUALITY. 
Stuntj) Briton. " It 's au. vkb.1 wsll to tubs vr Town Noai at rouit own 

BBOOAIILT ClUnlTS AMO ItAKOH*, UoiUWO ! BdT VOD C*»"T HHD VAVLT WITH 

ouK NoiiuTT I Tak» a Mah lis* ooa Dook o" Bivswatrr, how 1 Wht, 
as ooDLn Birr cr rona ?otuno» Dukks akd Prisum nv thr hoibn ! akd 

AH POK Yon AXD tiK, HR 'D LiIOE tTIMlH UB AS 80 MUCH DiHT BKHEATH HIS 
FrKT I Nf'W Tn*T'il dOlilETlKNIl t-IKE A NoBLBMAS, TBAT Ifl ! ThAT 'S A 
KIND O' NoDLMltX TSAT 1, AS AN SHOLUEHAN, FBU. AS I 'VB QOT SOU BIOUT 

TO Bi Fkovd or I ' 



ALL ABOUT IT ; OR, TALK BY THE WAY. 

It^arior of a Compartmfnl on a Suhurban Lint, WtU-ir\fortn»d Brittmi and 
othtrt ducvf*rtd condtuling tht ptnual of their marniag pap»r$, 

Firtt WrlUinformrd Briton. Woll. I Wa read the Report through, And I'm 
hlest if I uan make head oi tail of it. Portemooth se«ma to be in & ba4 wnv. 

Second H'eil-tufornuil Briion. Oh, DO, PorUmonth '■ all right ; or ratDeT, It 
will be. Look here, what it says. {Etferi to paptr.) 

" The two irotiplid fort! ihould b« armed with heaTj juni, lad mads in ettrj ruapoot 
Hcurs. Th(> RrmHRiimt of all the forta <m Uiia liila lequiroa eooaidarabla UnproTcmmt. 
It ia aUo neMwaif to arcct a asw land-ballerr." 

And then it gfocs on about the works at the "eaatern entrance." that it »;■ 
otutht to be Donied out with the least posetble dolay. Here nothing '■ clearer 
ttuutwbat the CoromiiaionerH have to aav shout tbem. I>Mk here. Here are 
thrft TBTy worda {again rrferi topaper) " When they are completed," they say — 

"And till* ninrSdiJi hav« Wn protiisled b]i machine aail quii^k-Driug guna, they 
btlicTi that thi imtDinpat riak W wliiuh the dockyard at Pottamouth ia at prcaent 
aubjMted •rii) be mainly BTfrted." 

A pronaunad FtHimiit. "Mainly averted I" Gammon! Why how long 
do voti think it woald take to carry out the jilaa, eTen M they onnld manage itr 
( JCiCh tf/nieai iaiiifarUim.) Three years, it it took n day ! Why, the beggars 
admit that thi^iDselveB. And then, where '■ the money to mime from \ I thuuld 
Ube to aak. I t«ll you it '■ all gammon I [ OUirt* d'/ianCly at rrerj/hoilj/. 

Ca*val Outnder (aho hai a general but vagu* graip of thr tuhjerl). Oh, 1 
think the moDpy is provided for. 8nraly I taw iomethJQg about five million 
poundo, or some figure of that kind, being already granted oy the War Offioe. 
{IUf«r$ ta papin:) Hal here it it. The EatimatM framed by the War Depart- 
raent were fr^uijj^, " for Military Ports, f-'!,r'7.fin3, and for Home MaroantUe 
Porta, £l,7r>:,r.o», making togothwr a total of £4.535.302." (Tentalively.] I 
eoaolodit that am<.<ant will he included in the Budget f 

Prmtmttd I'tttimiil. "Indndedin tlrtBodfetl " Why, what do yon take 
tiiaoteaXMiuT? D^youthinkhs'lltaaltonKMclepennyl' Why, he wonldn't 



do it to save not only Portsmouth but the whole Empire 
from going to the bottom of the sea. (Enunrialing it at 
a ftmiliiir home trHth.) Why, what do you think ha 't 
Chanoellor oi the Eicheqaer for, except to swamp the 
oountry and please the toipayer? 

Firit H'eU-ii\formfd Briton. If you'll allow me to 
oorreot yon, I thiok you're wrong. I certainly saw 
■omewhera that the Government ware prepared t« do 
oomething at once. Whether it was £AO0,(X)O, or 
£2,000,000, I'm not quite clear insert (opaprr); any- 
how, I know they don't mean to let mattera alide. 

SfCnd Wcll^mfirmed Briton. Quite BO. The GOT- 

emment ore f ally alive Ut the gravity ol the following 
paragtaph from the Commiisionen' Report, whioh aayi 

that:— fi!</fr» (ii paper.) 

" It ia not too much to wy thai the deatnirtion of our gr«t 
dockyard at Parlamoulh— and in a ten dogrpD of that of rly- 
moulh — miglit be dcitiaiva of the iime of a groat »sf ; while 
the dc/pnpo of tho TLamM iinJ M'Uway in Iikewioe of pars- 
mount imporlADO(>- After inquiring carefully tato the «ri- 
dilioD nf each of Ihfse ports, Che Comiaitteo ha's no bnitation 
in itatjng their cootiolion thai di.'flcii'ncica eiitt in thn defenoei 
uf each of them which tender our poBition dangcroiulj inaecore." 

t have DO doubt but that a moderate mm will ba set 
aside to put the matter in hand to provide against the 
postibility of the ooRurrence of euoh aatattiophea, and, I 
should say, without an instant's delay. 

Firit Suggeilirt Liittntr. It's a strong Commission. 
I see a gooil many namei. tBriKO 's on it, ain't he t' 

Second Svggettive Litlener [ilabioutly). I can't tiuite 
say. But 1 vt> heard that ten mlUioDa is about the 
figure fixed by eiperts as the sum really necoaaary to 
supply the oountry with an efficient acneme of Iwme 
defi^noea. 

Froiiotinetd Ftiiimiil. Not a pennyunder. (Oritnly.) 
Not that that would be an^ use as things stand. Where 
should we be l«-morrow, if this oountry were suddenly 
to be involved in a great Naval war 'f Why, nowhere. 
I>3ok at the trial of the PorooUe the other day. 
Besidea. where are the ships f Where ore the men f 
Fronoe is more than a matoh fur us with either, and 
before the end of neit year will be ahla to knook as 
into a cooked hat. What 'a the good of " Commia- 
sions"and their '•RfBiirt8"f The administration haa 
gone to the dogs, and that's the long ami nhort of it. 

A Soused OpIimiH. Stnfi, Sir. England was neyer 
better able to hold her own at sea than ahe ia at the 
present moment. What if a big Kun burets here and 
there, or sn irimalod or two turn bottom apwardst It 
wasn't with big guns and ironctads that we licked ths 
Frenoh at Trafalgar ; and what we did then we tM do 
again. Sir, for we've got tho lame staS t-i do it with, 
mesa ne, OB if I uuderatood all this "Defence" Mare. 
As if we couldn't bold our own on the aea ! Why, 
what 's the oountry oomiog to. I should like to know I 

Second Wtll-informfd Bc/toii.— Well, yon (M, ttjtt 
may be all very well, and no doubt there la aoma tndk 
in It ; but still the fact remains that the CamBitt«a liav» 
oome to the oouclunion that a good deal wants doing, 
and that the sooner it is done the better. (/« mtering 
into further detaiU in explanation iff the Report bi 
Scene eiows.) __^ 

A Foaer. 

SoiNB— Jn/i-Mf «/ tU Admiralty. Arry and Diet letkiit 

up tit lite Sea-horn*.') 

Dick. Thero never were no sueh things as sea-horiM. 

'Arry {who has had hit gun oat at lo much an hovr on 

thefuuttU NotF Then bow about the Sea-Hem thay 

talk of, fb F ^_ 

TTirKKPLOTZD Eerozs.— A Discharged Boldien' Aid 
Society is doing what it oanlo sopplv a considerable over- 
sight on tbe part of a grat«fu!, rather than thonghtf al 
wuiitry. It IB hardly meet that P'>'>rTo»sfr Atkixs, who 
haa spent the best yean of hin life in his country's aor- 
vice, should be turned adrift to talte the ofinerqueneo of 
his unavoidable improTidonoe«moneitlhe"lJnempIoj'od." 
There is also a Society for the Aid ot Dischoi-gad Priaoun; 
hut the aid atTortled to Tohut shoald he prmortiDlMd l» 
his deserts, whiuh somewhat exceed t)iose tnatJiCllKT— 4ft 
to denominnle a burglar — I'an rposouahly expect ti>r«oai*it> 
Mr. Ptinfh wishes suocosi to the D.S.A.S., for it is liaid 
on TouuT to treat him as a boy tr<.>ats an onace. which, 
after he has sucked it dry, ho chucks into th* gattcf. 



« 



I 



Uabgh 17, 188d.J 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



131 



EVICTION I 




Turkey. "S'cmxUi, Pkisor t 
Vkbt worrf, I 'm mm, nj detr PrioM ! 

(^U««n>4fa<IvJ^''' how Xf-ry ,'} 
Ut gruf I ilKmU like to erinoe ; 

{Sf ttndin^ Kim ttraightteay U> floT]/ .') 
But DiutnfH 11 bauDMs. toq know ; 

I ui utiiiff, ron ■•«■ bj instniotioiu. 
I Imv Oat 70B rMllr bkuA to- 

( }%H fatDw t^yoB ^'< (A#n 'U itf ruefuHM. ] 



SoniT TO Maxi AST UsFLgABjMTSfru Bpt 
I (ot, jrm pOToeiva, for ths film ; 

I <ii>n't wi«h tu [uaka Uiinit* uDpletumt. 
[Deliohl/al III Iff Ihe fool tquirm 

lAke a chuckrd-oul Hibernian ptaian* f) 
I tDuat otir7 orders. Eh, ie\y T 

To fa[l would be Bim[ily my raia. 
(/fim tii-ino Ihit undtr Ihr fyt 

Of that horribla brnU Ur. Aim.) 



I ■« Acrrao OsniKB Ospua ! I " 
Awritof ojtatmeotf Joittol 

It M not to damat* or ihook roa meant. 
(TV Siktitan I trutt h» may g->.) 

Thanki, mnoh, f<ir uxmrtinr the doonmMit I 
8ant nMu/fvnMW, Sir ( Will thai irath t) 

Attar all, 'lia a Bar* bruUim fttimtn .' 
{If TMKnand trtdiU tbat h>«A, 

H»imuth«th»AiUuffdtMmmf\ 



133 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL 



[iUwm 17, 188«. 





MR. PUNCH'S VERY QUEER STORrES. 

SUC£W00i)'S TiLS; OB, A U.l&TEU OF BLiC£ AKTS. 

Cbxttmm I. 

Ut nom Jt pJvmt is RLicsiiconD. hnt I onmit of a Tery ordictrr 

■tixilc. My itther UMiin Omnibua P[vtpriet>>r, m^ mothr'r a Marg-ato 

B4ll)iiis-iruman. 1 Lad aixteen hrothon »nd »iiLt«r«, nod we wme 

gvamuj rcgariUd U Ut tdiotio ftmilf . I wm no better than tbe 

M«t. But I diili-rcd from them all in one 

■DMl*! rtipaot. I h)id * will »f my own. 

Thu eutf dsToloptd itulf. On odb ooca' 

■ion. when &d altvnpt was made to 

adminigler a dose 'it caator-oil to me, 

thuui[ti both my parvQts aod the rest of 

thtt houHchuld held me hand and toot, and 

knuoked out thrM uf my fr»Dt teeth in 

tha strujtlli^ to (urM a wrQ«-funD(<l down 

my thrust. Ihoy npvpr But ma ^^^ BWailow 

1. I ._ .l: > , „ a BUiela drop. Af[«r this I sulki^d. But 

^' uaiduuus prsotme it kt'w v> Ki>cantiu 

dimensions, ErMythiue (tiTo way bsfuro it. I Irird it on my father, 
and willfd he nhoiud not muvc. Be wis instantly pinned Ui his uhmr. 
The oiiTSte called. 1 made s mental rpwilatioD thsl h(^ nhijiild try to 
turn a doubla bsck-somemiiult. He at unwi did >o. fulliuK hpavily 
in the attempt. Then I uTcrtiimed nn umnibui, full insidcy and out. 
Kor did my eiixiriiii'iits end here. 1 fonnd that by my will 1 oould 
eontrul iusuimatA ubjcuts as well. With a insrocly eipresscd winh. 
I sjilit the kitohcn-table in half. With rqnal facility I wrenohrd 
oS the frunt dour, and had the drawing-room tiiano wbiaked throaj(h 
tha roof of the home, and depiisited in the bank farden. Feelint 
myself thus gifUd. I rcongnised the nenessity of providing mysell 
with a wider Held for the exercise of my peonliar powers, and 1 
roioUed ti> ro to tha UaiT>'rstty. In almost as short a time than it 
takes Ut rcliite the fant, I had, by sh*<<r foroe ol will, gained an 
Oxford St^holarahip, tslcen up my qiisrtera in my College rooms, and 
oommenced kecpiitic my t^rois as an Underirradiiste. 

Immediately on cnhirinir int-) rtsidence 1 lost no time intestinjtmy 
powi^n of control oxer Ihe Prineinsl. Th* very first niftfat I willed 
that ho ihonld soriw np all Ihw l>in8 in thi'ir nspeotive rooms. 1 
hod acarcnly framrd tbe resuliition when hi< emerged from his 
^aartfim, dark lantern and appropriate tools in hand, aad proceeded 
stealthily ti> ntPHte the task I H«d menl«liy aIlol.t*d to him. The 
nest moriiinic in chapel I maio him Binir. " Tip-i Lurrly Btni-k £;/*»," 
in the midst of the "irvice. Mv o.mtp.d oxer him was eridently com- 
plete. I felt that I had the Prlnciii^l well in hand. 

And now ooourrvd a cLrcumetanoc, which, as thn seqnel will ahow, 
had a marked iullucuee on the erenti of my lila. 

Amonir my fellow students at St. Anselm'i was one named 
QuLLTTorF. He was a dark, middle- sited. lunK-hair<d. and swarthy 
Asiatio, of repulaivo and turbiddinii npptarnnot. whoie wild ifeituro, 
rullinir eye and demoniacal cipruatun instantly fuciuaUid me and 
absurbpd my attention. SomulhinK in my appcaranoo struck him 
also. We beaams great ohumii. Ho told me hii itorr. It was nut an 
uncommon one. Conntottid by blood with a travelling Circus, that 
had. by the machinations of a wioknd great uncle, been deaoytd to the 
wilda of Alia Minor, he had ouo niKht. after hia autt/imirr feat of 
bnratini^ throuj^h several pnprr houns in apantrled ttjfbtB, beon left 
behind im the roid. and from that flay.t') this he iiad never been able 
to trace or even hear anything of the missing troupn sines. Under 
the»B oironmstanoei ho had Mmn nothing before him hat to journey 
to Knglaod, fnter bimwlt at Oxford for the purpose of studying the 
Blank Arta, by a proflaionoy in which he hoped to recover a alaa to 
hi* lout relatives. 

1 explained Xn him my powers, and We apreed then and there to 
join our forces, and prosennte with all our might and main the ohjent 
of his searijh together. The very next bight I made a bon&re of the 
wh"le of my olassinal library, and supplied its place with a few care- 
fully seWctMl works on magic, and was soon dci>p in the mystrrles of 
Ni'ctfn TJvihiilira of nKRMAHlTii, JoiiAU's PuMi^pIi'Aen, and the bsok 
oumbrrs ut Zailki-i'i Almanark. 

I found th« tiudy of the new "science" all-engrossing. I stuck 
to it day nnd nti-ht. For a whole fortnight I out ehapel, hall. Ico- 
turee— everything— uninterrapiedly. My Tutor and the Prinoij>al 
sent for me. I took no notioe rif th>'m what«ver. At last the evening 
arrirnl on which we were to hold our l'ir«t mystio leitncf. My riiom 
wsflprepnred for the omanioH. A bune witch's cauldron bnhblwi ovr 
a llit'ktriug htue tliine in the centre • this was enuireled )iy a doable 
row of human skulls : several alligators were suspended from the 
Otiliuir ; a tripod surmounted by an Arabian dish of iteaming 
aromatio inoense stood iu eaoh corner, while a night owl was 
perched over the biHjkoase. and a couple of ten-fiH)! snakM wound 
themselves noiselessly in stealthy eoiU about the flmr. Hy scout's 
'>oy. who bruuirht iit my tea, ooUutid lhu»o, and scemod anxious to 
B/e ihr a/HtrtmpDt. 




And now Obij,ttojt eommenoed onr inoanlation. Rpiritnalistio 

Chsnumena were new to me, and I was at first startU-d at being 
anged on the back by a nho»phore»oent accordion. lUns followed. 
"This is nothing," said Oih-litoff. "to what you wiU s«e! " 
He was right. ScaTetlT had be spoken befom a troop of gibharinx 
skeletons poured out of the cauldron and flooded the aparl.mfnt. A 
ourpso m ila shroud sat on the mantel -pi Joe. A crowd ui hidoona 

f'olitins careered about the staircases and frigbtencrl men r><turning 
ate to their rooms laitcr att«nding a Union dEbat« into t^tA. Clnps 
of terrifle thunder resounded above the College walls, and the whitle 
buildings swayed to and fro as if they had been a labouring ship 
struggling against an overpowering sea. The Principal came out 
into the quadrangle to see what was the matter. He found it penciled 
with ghastly shapes, and was imroMliaffly Belied by a headless illu- 
minated ape, who perohid itnell upon his neck, and olingtQg wildly to 
his College oip, caused him to atagget heavily ia the dinotion of tlw 
gate-porl«r, crying aloud lor help. 

At this moment a big blsziug nalliuic of blue fire settled over tfao 
cauldron, la the miilst of it sst a little old Jew money-lender with 
a frightful grin distorting his malignant festures, 

" You want to ftud the Circus troupe .' " he soreeohed, addnasing 
OcLiTror? in a piping treble, "Ha! ha! ha! Hoi hoi hoi 
We'll tee ab'iut thst ti>-moTrO)r I" 

Then breaking forth into a wild fm-ertn, he dashed througb 
the window, where, fullowrd by tho now frantic and bowling 
throug of spirits, ghosts, and goblins we hod conjured up, he dis. 
appeared, muoii U> the surprLse of the loosl fire hrigade, who had 
been summoned by the authiinties, now fairly alive to the fact that 
on unusual commotion was occurring within the College pnoincts, 
among the uhimneys and spires of the neighbouring public buildings. 
Bo our incantatiun ended. But I passed a sletplesi night. 



JUSTICE TO THE LADIES ! 

{Bji our Dim PrajAttu Daeriptivi Eiiporter.) 

Tag House of Cjimmons was in a ferment of eiDiti-meDt. Th« 
great question of the oenlutT, "Should Women have the right of 
Voting )■" wss under discussion. Djion the deoiaion of thot evening 
the matter rest«l. The Government and Opposition wore mixed ; 
some were in favour of the measure, some aiiainit; and all were 
anxious. The Grand Old Msn hod made a grand old speech, whjuh 
would have been grander hod anyone been ohie to dearly nomprchend 
the coDoUition to whiah it pointed. The Tribune of the People, now 
the Itftder o( th« Tories, bad had his say, but still 'the question 
remained nnsolved. How would it end? Those whn had good 
memories recalled th« fact that thtgrut Earl of n*((-o7»REi.D had. 
shortly b>for« his lanwntad death, Mfxrasad tha cause ot the ladies. 
But for all that, ther* was a feelinr of noeaxiness that, given votes, 
seats woold follow, and that then the Ilouse of Commons would Iom 
its well-eatsblishcd reputation for being the raott oomturtablD Club 
in London. What would beoome of the hnshands, if the wives saw 
them hums ? How w<jald it be potaible to plead the excuse of " par- 
liamentary duties " fur absenos from the country house, if man and 
his belter halt were admitted to the same dinsion lobbieaF That 
na? the rub I 

Many of the younger Members had urged the plea that, it wu 
rude Bod diiouurteouB to make an invidious distinction betwtcn Iba 
sexes; but these juvenile legistatura had been laughed 'ir oougbod 
down by the greyheaded fathers of families. It was all Very well 
for bachplore ia talk, but let them wait until they bcosme married 
men, and then the matter wuull pre««ut ttaelf to Diem under quite a 
different aspect. So the debate progrssiMl, sueeoh aitir speeuh was 
made, and tlin riJfure was ignoredinthe all-aDsvrbiu|[ icterMt of tbo 
topic under discussion. 

At length there was a pause, and a deep silence reigned. All ftyM 
were turned towards the Tri'asury Bench, before which w«* standing 
a Minister, while and trembling with rmiitiou. 

"Sir," at last eri"ii the Statesman, struegling with his fobs, "it 
ia a painful moment, a vory painful momont, but I am bound to do 
my duty. I must oonf'ss that women are superior to men in intolli- 
geooe, tact, and everything that fits a human being to be a Member 
of this honourable House." 

Again there was a deep sil'nco, and all present bong npon tbe 
speaker's words. Ho wiptd his pyes, and pontinued, 

"1 must remind the Hou-ie, Sir, of this m.m'irabln fant. Many 
here present will have seeu from time to time in the nowspapsrs that 
!, in my otSoiol position as Cbsscru/>b of the Kicukqcks, haya 
received balrea 01 bank-notes. Those remitt*nce> bars ooncexds- 
sively from men, I am bound to admit th« fact that bnada 0<ai 
■ex with idiotcvt But, Sir, I must say (A>s( »n triiueirnt^-mvnfi/ Am 
tfer he.'n paid hr/ a tf^-ymln .'" 

The ntit momrnt Jiiitioe and It^ason bad prevailed, tsd, with a 
mighty shout, t-bc franobise had bMn;i[iTMi txi tba Ladie* 1 



KOTteS.Snlaet9d Ovmaiaalttann n Cbotrfbnlisas. whstlier m., rnnttd Hatter. Srawtn^, n flotorM •( asy dsofrlptlM. vfU 
»* raft ba ratamtd. «« er« v&ea atrannsajad by a Stunped anS Ufi.t«u*i I»v*1b?«, Osivt, ot Wrappur. to tkli nk 







MA*fii :4, 1M8.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 




THE COMING RACE.-A PROPHETIC VISION OF 1938. 



"SLAVES OP THE RING." 

Old Brrur.. 

TwaoiDkJ the loDK-eipf otud mill battreen Job IlRomi &iul Jack 
SviTB otme (iff before aboul five Ihoamnd p»lr«n« of the Noble Atl. 
Hmt of the Hou«B of Peers and all the Ilomu of Commons vmn prc- 
Mnt, and there w«s n Rood >prinklinii frini tlio two Univfr>iliu» of 
Oxford and Ctmhridge, the Bur, thu Array, tho N»»y, and the 
lowtitt ulnmii. Id uii>Cher part of our pnpcr m have dcioribed tbo 
BftttJ« in detail, bat here it will icfiioe to jot doira th« first ronud 
and thu la«t. 

Round 1.— Both men came up Bmilinit. Jon almok ont well with 
his kit. and landed upon JirK'e rigbt pe«p«r. which imn)fdiat«ly 
■aiuinea raioWw colours. Upon thia Swrra rft<irt<jil with his riaht 
on the >nulf-boi, brmkio^ trie h;>nc, mid pr<vitii)Uij a fiin^ ll iw oi 
the rubiT' Smart eoualvrin^ folluwitiK. until Jor w*nt dowu tr'}m a 
alcdg«-nammcT blow from Jack, First blood and fall to Smith, 

iStuitd Zotf.— Both men w»r« Kro<rgy sud bad to be planed face 
to faoo. It waj uuBufn to nar wLiuh wim wliivli or wbo waa who. 
M tllcir fcaturta ««ni so mixed llmt it wus impu8i>it>le to dielinKumh 
tbent. In ipite of ibis they sLili struck out, Jack uatchiiLg J'ik a 
blow on the tide 'if his btad. whieh atvt^rFd hii remaitiiii)? tar. This 
■Mliml to rooic Joe, whu made one la.Bt <-ti'ort. oruihiiiK JaCE'm <!hrst 
IB, and tarnioK hii eyes into peaio- pudding. This was too much for 
JaCK, who dropped tcmelosi. and could not be recorered. 

It will he (e«n from the abovti that both men (nlFerid MTOCcljr. 
The fif ht i« ooniidered one of the best on record. 
New Stilk. 

VtBtcrdar th* long- expected encounter betwwn Joseph Bbowh, 
Siq.. and Mr. Zichahiah t?uiTn ttxik place in the priscncc of six 
BOoiBlly Dppoint/'d rfpr^DentativeB of tlie fporlini; wnrlit. Amongit 
UMo who would hiiTe lilccd to hnfe betn preaont, hnd Ihey injt been 
PNVvnted by eERagrmenls eisewhtre, were the proprietofs o( miny of 
tb« iMdinjc Metropolitan Mnsio-hnlU. It is an open lecirt that buth 
thafmllant grnllnmrn who to nobly fought ye»l<:rday are in irreat 
IfgUMt and Ran pick their cnRairRments. Mr. Joi^xiu who had just 
mna from a dannn, wai in evenine drea9, whilo Mr. DiloWK wore a 
fMhionablf'niit nhnolini; snit. Alt«r amoking lorou ciKarftt**, aip- 
pifittlMir ooRee, and giancing throng h th.i> papers, the opponents pre- 
nmd for the enoount«r, divi-Ating Ihsmstlvcsof their npperolothlnjt, 
ll» lMttl« WM of *o mnoh jnttrwt, that we giTe it i« erCe'iKi. 

Rintnil I. — Both it«ritUm«n advanotd amilin;. On string 111* 
opponent's olvncbed tlt-t, Mr. Buwir retind, ami waa followed round 
ttM riDg. Wearying of thu manoMivro he raised bis right arm as if 
to iive a blow, whan Hr. Sitirs wont ondcr, 

SmiTKl 3,— Both ittther out of brtath from thtir late »ertions, 
Ht. Smith tiuolMd Mr. Bbowx on the shoulder, upon which the 
last called <ia\, " Yen. ZiCBA&iAH. do you want me?" To whioh 
Ur, 8v[7H UiBWetied, "Ha. Joseph, the loueh wss acuidriital," Mr. 
fimni n^ti bU fist thmtraimly when Mr. linow n went itndtr. 

JiMindt S lb 30. — Theae twk tome lime. Tlieie was n'jtbinc par- 
tioolar in any of tb«fn. Mto in Kutind 13, when Mr. Smiu aupped 
aoi^ felL injoricft hi* iwm. First blood to Mr. ISuown. 

Ravnd Lati. — Tl« two mil Mmo up yawning. Mr, SMnu ««* 



Vtuinc a piece of stioking-plut^ on bis cove, and Hr. Biiuwit had 
& |dMo of rag round hit wonndtd little finder. L'pon an appral from 
ths bystanders the battle waa d«elarcd drawn, and the oumbatanta 
re«u(a«d their olo thing and IratMoiscd. 

It will be seen from the account that both men vafftr«d MTerelf . 
The Sfiht is oonudned one of the best on record. 



OUa BOOKINa-OFFICH. 



I 'tk nothing to say about hooka tbit w«ek. I 're (too* iTOm oorer 
to oarer, and drawn blank. Itiit I think I am OH tfaa right soent 
now, having jiiat takfn up The Prima Donna, by SljraBBLA]>ii 
KiAvtxTiii. Mor4< of this anoD. Ita apMaraaw opportunely— or 
nperatiinely — sniioipal^s the coming waaoD of DsCKiaui'iis 
Ofiairicps. 

Mont ni>wapapers hare an " Airony Column," and 'tb* IlUulraltd 
Lmi'liin A'kwj now hsa a '" Pats Column "—a dt'uble Paid Column 
—every wtek. In Ibo latent fiTir Column, " J. 1',." allnding to 
the recent <Ii>ry of tb- Sham Nuns in Pranov, deolarts that th« 
draniiitici poiKibilttiecif Ihn tate "make tho poor lirilith noTcliit's 
mouth water." Huw. J. P. Is n'jt by any means a "poor British 
ooTelist;" but I thbk I see throuKh Mn In this ouo aaelaulr 
as it he wtre a Path of glats. and to save him the tronbt* of 
uommiucing a pl^t with this material, I brg to inform bin that 
the story has already been done. It oi^uurs as cmn of tho nuilj 
inuideuta in a French novel whiuh I read within Ibo Wt tbr«* ywn, 
bnt what its name was, or whether it was written by ttotMonxT. 
MoKTtHs, MaVpanunt. or some othor free- and -< aay romaaoist, I 
oancot at this moment rcmejober. In this hoypI the nuna vera 
moattv >ham oDf a, they had some lambs amonK them to h* Il«e0fd, 
and their direcUff, the Abbi' somebody, was no oUrftyman at all, 
but a swindler who ultimately f«U into the hands of tht> Police. I 
am inelined to think it wu one of Boxiuoukt's, but at alt «venta it 
has liei-n done. IIowcTi-r, ixxtr mind, Mr, JAur.* Path, keip up 
your "hifih spirits." Alttr all, it 'a only one " holiday tuk ' tbo 
less, says th< lUiox dk Buox Wojixit. 

A GOLDES KOO AOAIS. 

Akottitb OrMt Auk's Egg has tarn«d up, been nut up to Aukshun, 
and kD'jfked down atcaiu, without btirjr tmhshed, fortunately, frail 
a curiosity an it was ti> oome under the hammer. Mr, ti]t.vii\s, of 
King Slrttt, CoTent Garden, lately "sold a rery fine egg of the 
Or«at Aok for £335." It ciime lnt/> the posecattun of ita late owner 
in \Sol, who then bought it for im. Uis name was Wisa, and he 
was not cnly to (called, but was so. This one egg wiuullimatciT token 
to a good market, and was told for the sum aborunrnli'ini'd. We bop« 
it has ri-aohed Ita destination in aifity. An accident might happen 
from mtn Aukwardneis. Some of at will be wishing that wo had % 
private Auk, uf a sporting torn, who would lay hravily ncoaaiocalljr. 
We wunldn't kill bun to ko how the ttitlE was don*. 



CoHT^MOK wrtB RutexAitox,— Anaffliotiou w«ha'(«tA«c<i&»x« 
in thia Eiehiquered state o[fitial«Qe«> 




131 



PUNCH, OR THK LONDON CHARrVARI. 



[March 24. 1888. 



FAUST AND 1CEFHIST0PHELE9. (FragmentB of a Hew Terstoa.) 




Sent I— A. Sttphm't Study, 
Fmtt (rtprtMtifiaa Ik* Il-t* of I.-rd*), 
jr*j»AMb^c'M-Nr.H-XBr UB-cn-iii,l[.P. 

Fault. A koookP C-ome ia! Who now 

wnnld hr««k mj reat F 
MephitttpMti. 'Tis 1 1 
Fatut. Come in ! Hi)wfu.nBLl7you'redrMtI 
Mtphiita. Parhapt. And jet, Sir, U I v\igkt 
} pTcaume, 

£ / 'd n/amtl yog to don Jia lame OMtnmo, 



And, fr«e frum your old trammeU, ipeed 

away. 
A livelier luirl— b*loir— you iniRht tnwir. 
Fiitat. Too iilJ nm I four brinknr part to play. 
And yet ny timilattoiu f dDiiloro, 
And uwn with all my boart that life's a 
bare. [iwnfeii'd, 

Sltphiilo. Your present life i» dull. Ih»t i» 

^ at death U never cgnite a welooiDe (^ueit. 
Fuutt. No; jUon. at tba loat pinob, w« all 
would chouie ; 
But l*t«lytb(ire'i no lack aboat mjf Hn\iH. 



CKorui of Spirilt LinrintM, 

Woo! Woe! 

Kwli would dMtny 

That beantiial Houm. 

With violnnt blown 

Alrrndy 'tin l>att«riid, 

And Tory much ibatttnd. 

M nil LET would KWMP 

Thi> wrcoka into nouIntMNi, 

Whereat we w*ep. 

The apUudaar that'a Koaei 

ThoQ, 'moQitat tbt Mm (4 cftrth. 




Mabcb 3i. 18S8.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




"SOMETHING WRONG!" 
Jl'i/i {1719 Sar't rtsl\ "Jojii:i t Vb 'be A lUuR abistII" 



I 



I^(ty and mightr one, 

Itrinr back od«« more, 
la Ibioe own penoa the tott wutld 
rentnre. 

Knw, with refurma immcoM, 
Eottr ■ tiiwe»r«er; 
Prsiie >hall ntlute thiao au 

K»'«r heard bcfiirol 

KooiHoir iouIa thew Siilriti lie. 
Hack ' Wilh n^rituMe nnid 
H'XT Ihejr MCjiniDeud In Ihea 
].i(« in • much " raendvl" n<u»v> 
In a wom-oot world jron dwell, 
P«ia they iir»nld nlluro you bene*. 
StagQkle h«rc no more, old iwell ; 
Here jou lose nil sap and seme ! 
Forbear to fool aroond, ymi and your Chief, 
la this omate bnt sonUdcpreesing dec. 
In our »ooietf yoa '11 find relief, 
yiia'llff«lT0Tir>^1f aniRC withfellow-ni'o. 
Nut thai I 'd thnist yon mid the vulgar 

tbroDT. 
I ftlmott to the upper ranks belonr, 
Aud if yon 'II Uke mj tip, old bo7, uid 

m«ad, 
I will eDeaxe Ui be your candid fripcd, 
Vour jolly comrade)— will yon lake a weed f 
— 1 '11 make a man of you, 1 will mdei^d I 
Fautt. And how mutt I rcjuilv your acrvioe, 

pray? 
itfphitto. Ob, any tima will do for that. 
Fauit. Najl nay I 

A crnio b «n (Kotist, I know, 
Ad(1 yaa ara loi>kinK for atmw ^uid pm ftio. 
Strpliiilo. BlMijroD, joaqQiIvmunndiraUnd 
mr Biood; 
What I 'd pmpoat ka for jour proper good. 



I w^ld rrjuvenata yuu; joo-og, HtMg, 

warm. 
My doM will make jou. 
>^Mf. What i« it P 

Mtphuto. Kotorm ! 

A pUaiant, harmlcai notion, I aaauri you. 
YuaVe moribund, old man, but thii will 
cure yoB ; 

IttproTe yoQ 

Fatac. OS theeaith,perhapi! IVeh«ard 
Of oetUia ortatur^s, who were to absurd 
As Ii> rsBay comiuiltitiir luioide 
Tu laTU Ibcnuelvcti from akURbter ; ttriK 
and pride [fully. 

t hfTie will laar pr^erTe me from that 
lltpMilo. BoEhl You'll live luns>andbe DO 
end of jolly, 
If yon '11 but bolt my plraiantisl of pilb, 

'Twill Ctire you of hertilttary illu. 
Inherited dininws mark your strain. 
Gout — at your heart,— ud palsy— of your 

brain, — 
'Tia they are bringing yon to Kriof, old 

follow I [low. 

MydoM will make yon healthy, active, roeU 
Here'a mv prMonption, Sign it I Yoar 

blue Wood 
Won't mia« a drop ; indeed, 'Iwili do too 

Rood ; r«crit>e ; 

Deulttiuu 's jubt the tbinr I tifaould pr«- 
Plilikjl'imy 'e the nwd of all your tribe, 
bi)[ni Just to ahow yuiu uuDlideao«, dear 

boyl 
Alter tho doae yonr life yon '11 mnoh aoioT. 
Cornel di not fnsk iti I an your beet 

fiicnd. 
The fiat hat gone forth, Pidbt.— Mat> oB 



CONSCIENCE OP THE FAIR SEX. 

It is Tar; kind of yon, dearett Pvneh, to 
•niriMt that women ought to have Uia ntSraga, 
beoaDM then tome of us at leaat would, whaa 
wo thonaht we ought to. Mod the CitiR- 
irKLLOB of the £>;i7i[FuDKB oouiofeuoe-moDf y. 
As it U, I wonder bow he oan poaiibly eipMit 
we ahoold. Who ie it, SnAiisrEABE or Dr. 
JooiriOii, or touebodT, lliat aaid taiatiun 
without reprtueutalion b lyranny^ Not to 
mritliua oonsoiruce. money, what oonsoitace 
uan we have to [>iy any taxes that wa oan 
avoid at all? Allow us rotes, and then the 
(iovernment will see wbolhcrwe shall be ooa- 
•oiontious taipayera or no! Ever youra, 

Jvanna. 

P.S.— Will Hr. GnociiinT hare eonacaenoe- 
mooei' from Ladici, or wait till ha geta it F 



Fair Trade to Lord Saltahuiy. 
{AJUr hu Uli Spitdt.) 
Hr plea* at one time leemtd your pity to 
move. 
But now jou are deaf to my praycri. 
It was politic, then, to diuemble your love. 
But— need you now kick me dowu-itain t 



Iha Two "Short-Sentence" Judgea. 

Jfr, /uttiiv Methrte falU M Mr. /uttk* Aiy. 
JSnrf tHfirvitv. 

Mr. Jutticr M. Then w*— 

Str. Juititt D. Qititi' ajfree, 

Mr. JtMier M. Cui't Htay. 

Mr. JMttie4 D. D^r, Har. 

Mr. JaiUf M. Qjod, Dir. CCa^, 



\ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




[Uaboh U, 1988. 



THE UETURN OF THE WANDERER. 

[Ur. CAMBitUir, on natiming bis %etX, ast oQ hU b*t.] 

BiCH to the Hunw I Everj; mM, Jon, 

Mtulown that jou came in jrood lime, 
Tliouirh Ihey who are eager to oan Job, 

Mttj ooimt that to yon as a crime. 
Well, JoK, yon may e'en let them hainincr on. 

They don't find it easy to ■core. 
The Speaker at onoe Equelched poor (.UUEKOK, 

Dou ill less he fonnd it a here. 
He fannied, depend, Jok, upnn it. yon 

Tnrned np to th« cnomenc most pat ; 
Wbat he wished, my dear JoR. vos to baDut jon ; 

What he did wu— to ait on lila liat I 



0T8TKR CORSEB. 



CAUTION V. CAUTION. 

"So CAHirvi., to tvoyoMicjj^ xr i>e*r Wirs ihI Shb *iwati looks up 

TH« DSCAMFKIUI WnSH WK'v« bad AI.I. WB WAXT— OS AUOOONT OF TBB S«8- 
T1>TI, TOO Know I HX I ItN I . . . 3ni Dom'I' ICtow I "ll OOI 1 K(T TOO I" 



It »ffin« that two or three Urge fifio", Proprietor* of 
the Whilitablu (.lysltr Omutids. have ulapptd another 
'i7> per cent, on fci the whulttale price of " nativM." Hut 
ihciQ Bu-csllcd nalivfB of KntUod arv laid to be really 
natives uf Fraooe, imported hitber mostly from Aroaotion, 
and only laid down at Whitatablv and othrr plao«e, to be 
cultivated and fattened. Theee moUuB™, therefore, in 
this ootintfy. are not nativea at all, but only Daturalieul 
forFirnen. Itfcimse an alien oyater has been eduuat«d 
at WhitEluble, it is no more a nttive thr.n it man is a 
horsn heaaiise he wni born in nnuthi<r atal^e. The eiur- 
b^tant price of orsters npptara to be mainly owinjf t« the 
'iperatioDB of an Oyster King, in whiuh. ai io the lit>IUD( 
ItiDg, there ie miioh at work lika jockey^hip. In the in* 
'trciit of oyeler-oiiUrs, with a view t^i toiint*r«ot that 
kind of practice npon the marktt. what do finnncieri tay 
lo the formation of a Native Oyster Oimtiiay (Limited J. 
" Oh, for aohoarof brave old DiNnoLol " That is to 
say, with a iilijjht nhbreviittion and alteratinn. Oh, for the 
Ttturo of the good old day* of Dando I Then the abno- 
dano* of oyiters enabled lliat once illnatriomi oyster-oater 
to eat hia Jill of them at a ooat which would have been 
unoeoeiHaty for bim to count, and he never did. Let onr 
ory be, " Duwn with the prioe of Ojitor a 1 " and let ua 
form a bold Company to beard the Oy*t«T in hia Bbell I 
Motto, " Solritar Dando." 




NOTES OP THE WEEK. 

Wewt to hear Of atorio, The Som of Sharon, by Df. MtCKKitiiB 

— nut Sir Mohiiill, bnt the eompoeer— on Tuesday night. March 15, 
Viry fine— the Oratorio, not tho night— M bbow was fulling and 
making slneh. Blixzarda were about. What a eplendtd title fur an 
Oratntio, Tkr Ilhzainl. That it to say it 
would be A splendid title, if ita Eound were 
not slightly suggestive of Itazzard. titill, 
there 'a something weird and German 
■boot the notion of The ll'imrd and the 
Btixtard. " Oitzard" ought to be in it 
aomehow. SoouKhfZriord," Wiilciipy- 
righl title. To return to St. James'a HaU. 
Tub night wita o very had one : Mackin- 
tosh oiitsidff, MicKKR/iK within. With 
Madame Nouuici as the SuLamite, all 
_ w«re SnUmiiily pleased. LLorn's n.ites 
are atill nnchanged, hutjokeaabout "un- 
VrappsJ u]. in Idr nm.i-.and »""y'd",p'e»sare qnile played ont, *x- 
ijHile Miiried nwoy by ■'eft, perhaps, by O—BUE JoKI\ G-SCH-W. 
Madims Si?bumiiiiu. Mias Hoj'K Glknn — romuntio name — 

looked mijeatio, and yet as womuily aa 
"a woman "—for that wma her r&U among th<? dramatis pmona— 
should, who poHsesucB her rare oontraltii voice, not *a rioh, perhaps, 
IB rare. S.k)<ri.KT looked iinonmmonly sapient U Xirtff Solomon, anil 
took no part in any duet or trio. I tuppos* in this he thowtd 
tho proverbial wisdom of She (character, as nis Rolos were given in 
the heit style of thi« Kiaff 'Solo'-MOI'. Throughont the perfurm- 
anco, ho kept his eyes ftied on his book with the pertinooily of a 
musical Si. AJtruoxT. Btitforthe subject, which of oonrse cannot 
he placrd on thii stage, what h speotaeular Optra it wonid make i 
anppntingthdsubje.'tehanjti-d and the libretto seculariepd and arcoin- 
moilattd to thrt >eijrc ji.r •Inge purposrs, iutioduutions would itill 
be nff*Mary for the sake of vsntly. Without scenerT, costumes, 
and dramatic action, It in difficult to fully rcaliae tlie gorgeous 
Kastern »<;etje in Ihtir mind's eye. Oratorios which make lo great a 
demand on the uoaidrd imnginaliou are the kind of thing which, tn 
</atit« fJ)e ODoepupularZoni J>urH/r«iry, "no fellow can understand," 




but which, evidently, No-vn.LO can nnderttand. An enthuaiaatie 
admirer of Madame Scsim.tRN aaid that, in tpite ol hia baring a 
terrific cold, he must go and hear her plsy at St. Jamea's EalJ, add- 
ing that he felt quite secure against a ohiU, aj, wbencTer abe 
performed, he waa always entirely wrapped up in the muaio and 
carried away. Jn fact Madame has no warmer supporter than thit 
intluenzial amateur. But— will some one compose an oroheatral 
work with grand e&eota to be called The Bliiturd f 



KAISEK -WII.HELM. 

An-RR TH« FcsxEJii., M*iioa IOth. 

Tt ia said, in days of Summer, when the moonlight on Iho lUiiiie 
Floods with soinliUatiD^ silver all the land of hill and vine. 
That the shadow uf a monarch comes to viait earth again. 
And that great imperial phantom is the ghost of CaiKLiotaaHX. 

Not in anger comes the Kaiser from hia tomb at La Chapelle, 
Hut his Dy>s are fain Id look on all the scenes he IovmI ao well ; 
And npon the Bridge of Mooubuams, lo I the spectre take* its at&nd. 
With the palms of benediction o'er the onoient Fatherland. 

So the olden legend runneth. Now once more the Teutons we«p 
For a paladin as peerleas, who has won eternal sleep ; 
ilioagh they mourn tberaightv Soldier that hia Uwl haa ta'on nwaj, 
'Tia the Kather of his feople tnat his children mias to-daj. 

Brave in battle, lage in council, with no thought of praiae or pelf, 

Ou the altnr 'if liii country ho had itnmolattd aolf ; 

And the up-hill path of duty with a steadfast foot ha trod. 

Single -he art«d in devotion to the Fatherland and Uod I 

May we not then, looking forward to the years that or* to be. 
When all living men have vanished like the sanda beneath tM titit, 
Dare to preiage of a presence, wilt be seen of roan ODOe mon, 
A twin-spcctrc in the moonbeams with the CiiAni.RMtoKE of rore. 

And the children of those a^es shall lock ont npon the night. 
And with awe.struck whiipera murmur, as they nee theftananie sjght, 
" Lol his great aword tlnshea upward Icr all evvrlaetiDC elcD: 
Koiier W I Locui cornea 1 bid us keep with him the Wawi om Biune I " 



Mahcu 24, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHABIVARL 



157 



■ 



DEUX BEAUX YEUX BLEUS I 

MoXHixiTB, ClfTmrmt-Ffrrani!. 1!1 Man, 18S9, 

Tiropnrt I h»T* nut your tongue nt the end* of 
iii<r nuti. I tlattcr nrteli I o&n. in it. i^ipresB mf self 
infHoirnlly to ««k of you your Bympslhy, British and 
gpni:rou«, in my present porilmu, which is at one both 
tripii; and grotesqu*. Tr«j{io, beo»uw I have Wn pl«oed 
liF traitors in & jjoatlion of non-aotivity hy the rtlritiU 
iCrmphi. GroltBijne. beoiute my pletes of oonvintion 
hftvi" b*yo ouu ijotr of Hae BpeoUolo. a "tilettrre." a 
nrntcb, whiskers li la titilttU dt mouftm, and t, ft-lt hat. 
But what hubcon mr crime F I applied to the Miniiittr 
of War for It-avo. !!• nfased il to mo. Waa I, the 
7r«at BocLAHOKK, the child of the ('off Conetrl. the 
li4ro of tho Roulevardi. to acnept this insult t No, Mon- 
»ieur ; a thoueand times, no ! So I took the leavt-j— -that 
immortal birthright of all true Krenchroeo, " Frcnoh 
lesvtf," myself. IlTitaa I wished to bring upon the Oovern- 
neul no regrettahU ombarrasimentii, 1 asiameil the 
diJJCT■>«^| simple and nniijno, whioh I hare iadiaaUd 
aboT«. And my blae apfotAcIes ar<? already enihriood ic 
the hcBrls of ray cmopatriota. who h.iyinir had rtconrso 
to your famous ckmi'on romiqun, ars gaiir gretting mc 
with tlu rvfraio, sympathetic :— 

" &BUX bosux ycui bicui, 
Jth ! qua c'rst alfroua I 
Ainsi ds montrer un hsmmp qu*il ■ toil I 

Ab! dcut bfsui yeiu btauil " 

Do yoa think I havs ho«ii indiscreot ? Then, I ink 
yon. what would be the cTsnt, if yonr Milord Vooijiuit 
ur llL'KE-rAMiinicin dimnndcd tho [lermisaion of your 
Mr. SMiin to Tisit their botdU in I^ndon, and were r«- 
fuMil!' Would they not inMntitly leave Fortnnouth- 
Rock-yard or Do«r-Cii»tle, disxuispiJ as the Chlneee. th« 
Keil Indian, or the Eoglith Milord with yellow hair, 
an[l a fM-^ule-domi* under each arm, and tli-fy th-^ treaaon- 
ablc order which deprived th«m of their bbtrtyf To this 
qiii-rtion thern can lie only one rt'Sponso. And this sug- 
gcils to nie, Monftieur, that if I oaa no longer appear on 
EoTseback, and win tht< applause, thrilling and eraUful, 
of thr adintring populaus, I may perhaps be driven to 
follow in the lwtiit*ps of your (treat Wooins, and Kive a 
whole entertaiameut in disguises, with vontriloiiuial 
aooompantment. that shall assist mat«ri illy their deve- 
lopment. If among these [)orioun{>^B that I may then 
preneot to tho pnbtin notioo Ih&re should figure the 
;' Dictator." I f«l that, after the tratti^ei of March 15, 
it would crealu not mnoh Eorprise. Dci^c to receive the 
atttinuUK) u( my most distingniihed consideration, 



BOHERTS DOMESTIC TRUBBLES. 

I KETKB ritM won I'm in n temper, Icastwavs I don't 

•end mv luukybriuhuns Vs your pages when I 'm bilin 
over. No; 1 gircs meiflf time to koul down, fkimc 
weeks ago 1 sor it, oiler it had been racnshuuiid by you 
whose cgel eye nothink ■iikiig>es — I sor it — I mean I werry- 
fido the kwotashiin. and found myself disorlbed in a 

most raspMtfool I'apor an " Uomkst the D ." This 

wer« pr«tty well to begin with, without its Koing oa to 
speak of mo as a mMr Play Aotar ! And then tu have 
to bear tho hnrfiil soroasml of my niitch bijiger and 
better arf when she read of tlis reelly pa^hi>n<]t and 
familviar way in whiah Maddan Bcbmb sung of me at 
" Hobtrl, O mylMlitftJ Jtahfrt."' waa more th»m I oond 
wsH boar, and so I tort relief f rommy bacitatod ImUok* 
by Tni.hinjr off to a Lawyer. dowB IB tlw VtdA Buler. 
and oonsnltin him all utiuut it, and how much dammagea 
I iihifid ank Mr. Charles Hobv and Msddim Buuns tnr. 
Ami I'm bound li> say as Ur. Bufji^uuiH behaved 
mo-t strickly hunnerabul in tho hole matter. In ouurse 
when 1 began for to tell him as 1 wanted to brin^ a 
Haoahun tor bevvy dammairos against two wrrty neb 
people, male and femalo, ho nntrallv rubbed his hands 
and showd tho I.awvcra GIm by tno customrry grin. 
But when I shovod bin tb« noOMpapvr, as I had bort 
by the way, his face rMoanned Its old familveaT dua 
brown ])Kik, and ho said in hi* fine legal fraaiology, "it 
■in't no go, Mr. Eoaxxr, for they didn't mean you, but 
mm ferron Q<et ai osooBed your name, «o they can plead 
ft«%iitr.aad I'll Jiwttrabbb you for Ss. ihJ., and wish 
y9ii « worry food monunt I " 




IS LIFE WORTH LIVING P " 
f'«y JfaugMy Tmnmy (vh^ An* tetn »f ivnrJy rtimrttd 4y Mi ilamma). " I 'w 
pRK'su'-s-a soMiT" — (aohbiif) — "v'Ton kvbjl M-M*aaiKD Pa' II" 



1 was that thundorstniRk that I was dam ; but I paid the money like a man, 
ami sort in a nayhnuiing Pub that quiet and that nuld Teiitshnient 1 in much 
required. And in that little back parlerover a quiet glass and n pip'-, I ri^woopd 
my penition. 1 hod been shamefully hiniultcd by being punlikly called a 
orml name, I had arowsed the g<iIoiy ot the partencr of my joys and sorrerf , 
without the prowd stttisfaofrhun of having deserved it, I had ipendM tho 
rsyther conBiiJnral>el «nm of (». hJ. without nothink to show for it, and 1 had 
DOW t'l return fi my geloi)« »pow»« and end*vvr to oonwinoe b«r IJi&t Maddjun 
Bds^fi. when she iclsimed with all bar art and with all Imt wofoe, "AoAirrf. 
O my itiurrd Iloliert.''' did not mean ni«, bnt HMna forrau ftnt as made txse at 
my onered name for some baas puppxus of his hone I Wbnt a sittywashoul I 
don't know as how it was ewer ekslted. xcept praps wen a Alderman as had bin 
rei^Iar eleoted by his Ward had to go heme and telt hi' ipuutiug Missis as the 
other Aldermen woodn't bavu bim at no prioe, as thry had wuyed bim in the 
Scales and found him woutin. I was that lorst in my thorls that I ordered 
another glass, nmoit without knowiu it. and sat there sippin and think in. and 
tbinkin and sippin, till I felt as tbn kindly spcrrita had given me dae ouurago 
to go homo and fsco my angry partner. 

Fancy my «toniihment when 1 reached my onhel dwelling to find aa Mn. 
RouKKT wasn't in, and hadn't loft no meisidge with the baekparler, a« nshsJ. 
Tltiwever. I hadn't weriy long to wait before she hentcred, and to mj moit in- 
teDsest mirpriie of all, ftc^aUy came up to me and kisicd ma! saying in her 
werry eweetent and moU winningest way, jest as she used to t«tk when wo was 
a Setting in Grinuidge Park afore we was married, " Hon «iiT. dear, 1 has toorsk 
your parding for my foolish gello«y this morning, for 1 've bin and found out 
as the aoount in the paper is all fawUe, ftir I've bin totheCourt Theater to have 
it oat with that Maddam Bdenh, and I findsos thcrn ain't no Court Theater Uft 
as there used t.i be at Wciie &juure. fur they 've bin and gom and nailed it all 
down I " And tlieu we sat dcwn and had our teas, and in hoDn«r of the ooaaloB 
w« had six pennyworth of multlns, which I nose ia a weaknaei of Mr«. B.'s, and 
than we went to the Olube Theater, andbothbadagoodhearty cry attlie Ooldeti 
Laddtr, which wo both worry much injuyed. and tden home to a nise little hot 
supper and jest one glass of aomcllimk niue. aud then to bed. And wa both agreed 
that if evrery base inwention aKaiust hiujured hiunuc^uce brort forth fust sacb a 
bust of gelons atfucsbuu, and tbeu luuh a uuppy retikotiKiliuyshuD, might they 
oppear in thn daily papers about wunoo a week till further notice. 

1 did not think itncoossary tomunshun tbalilhadoorBtmoGj. iSJ. fornothink, 
and somethink mora forsimothink.or what ihad heardfrom the Lawyer. Com- 
mon ScDse and eommon prudnncn alika diektat«d to ma not to wak« the sleeping 
Lioness. I never woke one yet, and at my time of life I thinks as ittsjestalittol 
too late to begin. B.a«^3a. 




13S 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



[Mabod S4, 18S8. 






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THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAfD. 

tad}i<^lh> Hautt {archlf). " UT HostxD '■ Nor it iiomb, Mr. Goodbnodok. Ht'tt uast tq i.'all o:t bomk Putrrr WoxtH or 

BIB AUQO^tlXTANCt I" CatltT. " kV, I'VW OIVttM THAT Uf lOHI) iQO!" 



CONSOL-ATION ; OR, "A FAIR EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY." 

A rMtoral of the Period. 
AtnvtlEKT. — A Shtf id Shepbeid. ripjrt tX t lonj— •nd ■ b»rg»in— mnl- 
lifliioutlj rTMOBFlh Willi « Simpln Bhephjideii, and " eorncrtetli " liet to 

" TU iwrrt simplicity i^ Tkrtt-ftt-Ctid*." 
Shrttcd Sh*ph«rd (<inff«)— 

" If I hndM much moDsj m I could tvll. 
I nenr woold ory, ' Young Unib* to mU! ' " 
SimpU Sh-phmliii. Hear me I His ■insing ii ledaative, Tsr; I 
Bkrned Sluphrrrl. Whither ttw»y, f«r Njmph I' 
SimpU ShrphtrtUtt. Sir, yoii tit merrf. 

No Myoiih 4m I. ftlu I The HymDiu ara Hid 

I'dui our Aroadia. Orent Pan it d*rad I 

You »M hii regime wuilIiI ao lunger unit us, 

And he 'a auoue<ded. *o Ihey lay, by Plutna. 

Arc you a TuUry uf bis F 
S/irntBii Shepherd. Swe«t maiden, 

Do I dwi like a nun with bullion laden f 

TItiii Inrab, lymlml of inmicennn »nd peace, 

Hu not. yoii ate, even n golden fleeae. 
Simple Shephfrdtu. It dot* look rather puoy. 
Shrefod Shrphrrd. It !« yoQniT'- 

like you, tny deu 

SimpU Shtphrrdtti. On ertry ibtnherd't tosriu 

Trnth if Dot fonnd. as Harlow'i nympii ooald tell. 
l'i>u V< not a Pasaiooatt Shepherd, are you Y 



flAmeJ Shfplitrd. Well, 

I hare been oalted to. II I have a pauion 
'Ti» for aUliatici, 

$impl* Shephrrdftt. Ah '. they 're quite the faabioii 

E'rii ill Aroadia. Coutdo.h non oin^* 
Of " avtra^o oiitrnts " and unch Ij'jirid thinffi. 
I do !u»lt tignm ' I find my ftlicity 
In fin gi-r -reckoning »nd it* (wtet aimpUoity. 

Shrr%Bd Shepherd. Mo»t rational and proper— in a laM> 
At your fair ahrine, Sanolti Sunplicilai, 
I fain would wonbtp. 

SimpU Sh*ph4Tdt*t. Yon are mott polite, 

Aad bow, good day I 




Shreted Shtphtrd. One moment I If I might 

SufKeat ft (wap ! 
Simple Shrpherdrtt, What'athatF 

Shnicd Shrphtrd. Well, an ezuhanKe ; 

To you the patter of the Mart ia atr&Qge. 
Simplt SliepheTileii. I ^o't quite ni)d«ntand you. 

Shreicd Shepherd. But TOU will. 

That ibeep of yoan 

SimpU Shepherdem {alarmed). You do not mean to kill 

Hy pet i You 're not a butoher in disguise, 

Now, are you f 
Shreicd Shepherd. Blew your Jooooent blue eye*. 

Ho 1 look like a cruel aimifez T 

No, not f"r all Arcadia would I tox 

Your gentle boaum. Bee, I wear no atMl I 

But,— well, your aheep is uld : do yuu not feel 

That aomethiDjt younger, wilh more prvmite IB It, 

E'eu if not qaile bu large,~now, atop a minut« I 

You ladiea arc ao hasty. J uat behold 

Thia little lambkin I He 's oa good aa (told, 

A awett, awcet faoe. a lleeM of virRin snow, 

Do you not yearn toworda him Y 
Simple Shephirdeu, Humph 1 — well— no 1 

1 mnat Bay "nary yearn" f«el I at preaent. 
Shreivd Shepherd. You have a pretty wit, sweet Nymph, and plcatant : 

Like— well, if I nuty aay aa much — like int. 

/can ordck jokea, you know, when " on the Spree." 

New tamps tor old, you 've heard of aa a cry ; 

Why not new lumhs for old ? 
SimpU Sh*pllr^dl!|^ [hetiUitm^.) Well. Shepherd— I — 

I— don't <tuite like t> part with my old pf 1 1 [teirTet. 

Shrewd Shepherd. Come, oomel the exchange ia one yoa'U ne'er 

Sentiment ? poult I that 'b never worth a button ; 

This lamb wQl irrow to a moat hundaome " mutCoa," 

Finvr thin Ihul which you bu ctuBely ulutoh, 

And you will learn to Iovb it miitv aa muuh. 

SimpU Shrpherdesi. Well— if 1 mu«t I miut, but 

Shrtigd Shepherd. Swo«t Simplicity. 

Fear not! Ta-ta, dcftrl Wiah you all fclioityl 
lEtiS Shrewd fihopherd, i/'ilh J ptr cent, lamb, Uanng (it IvO' 

und-thrr«-<itiarUrt Umhkin in txehangt. 



■^^^^iS^'^^Sz 



MAncH 34, 1888. 



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CONSOL-ATION ■ 







PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



Ul 



Too L*T« 

POS OOBDOX. 

— Falttaff 
{out of office). 

— "Ah I no 
more of Uut, 
M^'am, an 
thoB lovcil 
K%." 



"ML THE APPU1XCE3 A.VD HEADS TO BOOT." 

Shakiptan. 



Brx DAI 
EccKUTioir. 
— Cfao* ii 
undoutitMlj' 
tho Qame 
far SandAft, 
u it o&nsot 
pAiiihly b« 
pUyed with- 
on t two 
Bishops. 



VOCES POPULl. 

AT K LEOil U'SCHEOX-BAB. 

Sens— <i Jtntaurant in Ma ntighhourhnod of the Cotirit i>fju»lit4. 

Al tht Bar, tmmhtri if b'llh branchet of the Legal Fri/fnuniin 

dittfttrtil latching em high itouU ; bthind Bar. buttling itajf<tf 

ii»rmaiJ», kilchat-maiJt, and imalt bofii in while eapt, tu^y- 

iiiUitJrd ty, EiwrK*tic UonKgcr, (./ a chetrfufy familiar 

tiitpvxilivn. 

ViAcii /i/hind the Sar. SmtU ro9«t Vr.f «nt Uaii, Roiirkt! . . . 

When doca th*t tsutiun mtao to cijmuf . . . platro, Jknmt, look 

■liTo there ! . . . Wcrri j/uu the damplinir. Sir Y Oh, the BAUinge 

ud plain ; I 6r|r rour pirdiin! . . . More proosi ! 

[TAi'i tail /mm Ihe Uanairor— n pleating i^iiaethichf fir forkt. 
Svffnlor*' Cirik$ brfore the Bar. Csii't.lvt Tou hftvv lh*t furthiir 
■iMfarut fct, but it'i iH:in^ nUotidtd to . ,' . We <'Uirlit to have hitd 
■MttMOftiiBtluimtiidATit Liitr lilcd'. . . . Coals ouhi]i[hrr «oale . . . 
Not thtprutio* to sire oopToiUdavit without the jurat— tiild 'em so' 
HotiM t« pradaot ul their boolu for lul Btxtiwu y von, &a, , &13. 
Bttm^rr jutt t*ating. Enter aSut\j'iLaxi^umbreUa-U$t and drenched. 
Barmaid {to him, pleaianll}^). The rain Am been coming down, 
Birjiun't it ? 
Tit Surly Man. Nertr taw it caning uo— did TOn t* 

[Bara\aia lubiidei, pouting. 
Th* Kitrgftie Managtr (to S. M.]. Qood mominsf. Sir. yoo'vo 
broasht th« Bnnahine in iHth f on! {.S^isge gr/itcl fri/m the B. M.) 
But tbtt (po'i'My) I'm fiir« 7011 alieay Ao\ Now or italo brcsd, 
Rirf {Prttfnting plait vith tiro iqii'im ofbrtad.) ttUlo ii thii oh up. 
Lot BMM* (m(A iKl air of a niAn trA'i lludifi all hit eutUimcra' lillla 
pwtdiaritia'i, it '■ otwfve yon like with ;our littln lunch, im't it, Bir !* 
TJW S. a. CoAm ? No I tt 'a poMnn to mr. Sbmt 1 
TAf £ Af. Sunt, of coursB it ia I I'uii ahall h>r« it, 8irl [Atiftt 
tnai a rart amd oocf/y beremge : but he would ttarfh (A# unicvnv to 
proeim a drop or itco.) Oh, yun ahall hare it I 
i'n/er a Vouog Baniatcr ici/A a Country Client. The Youne 
Buriitcr ha$ jml hit hi$ first cate in Court, and wouiti tnueh 
ralhtr not lunch, but it anriou> not to offend Ait CVien^, loAo, 10 
far, ha* *' (<ii*n it vtry Kell—coniiJtring." 
The Cvuntry Client {uiilh a tigh). Veil [ 1 did think the Court 
would lukT« been wilh u>~bnt there. I suppote it oan't be hriiwd. 

[K# Alii been saf/ing tkitfor Iht hut ten minult's. 

Th* I'oung Sarruterlfor Ihetirentiethlime). You— you iiiu uevur 

tall b«fotEhaad what view the Bauoh u gwnx to t&k«. {A4 if he had 

kad yart itf_aap*ri*Me*.\ I did ray best. {A tittle defiantly, in faint 

hop* i^fareaif a tomptimtnt.) 

The C. C. tuith rather offmiivt maonanimity), Ob. I'm not 
hlMoiBir ^wu, my boy— though {It* hat httn trying to keep from 
taying (An ri'tr tinct the Crnirt ruite) it tea* a pity you gavatbe other 
tido that i>p<inintt by r(i.itxi(ininini[ aa jon did. Ihdn't 



you ace that 
YoD paaaed ap anoh > £>(, 



iu>t« I paMod up irum the wtll 't 

The V. S. (not liking Ihit). Whleh f 
you know I 

Tkt C. C. I wiah you had paid raiiT* attention to th«m — I know 
that.' Well, BBTer mind, I du thmk AiXAiirn, Q.C.. mi<lit hare 
foukd t(Me tdtook in, inatcad u( IcavicK you to fi^hl it alone. I told 
SUPIJI aXB VnrL.iM I nnst havo n ItadinR brief Rivrn— and this 
1* the MBklt I Bt the way, that waa a imurt yuuug lelluw agaiuat 
yoD— luMw who De ia 'r 

Tlu y. B. (ttilh a pang cf jeaiavey). Uh. I don't know. ( l^i'A 
tftettd eartUttTuu.) Some i.'ammoD daw loUow, 1 belieTe. {After 
fMMM*— tnore oamWy.] Pkiix. hia nam« ja. 

Thm C. V. Very abaip tU way bo took j«n tq; ever the rcgiatrt- 



tion point — why, Ueas my aoul I [loiVA a pltaud recognition)— ha'* 
coming is now. (Enter Mr. Pniaa, urilk ajvmty t*if-taJitfied air, 
and an tye-glati : the C. f. inakti room for him viUh marked deftr- 
enee, vihilt th* Y. B. utiiiin^* a iCony ahttraeiion.') Allow me, Bir, 
wo'vo met before to-day— J>o((«t- t. Kettkby, y* know— we oan 
afford to iihake handi ot^c it HOW, eh ? 

Priok. To be *\at. Yon noted tor the plaintifi, didn't you ? Ok, 
it waa a walk <iT«r for na— yea hadn't* leir toatandonl 

Tht C. C\ I don't know that. I waa atronftly adviaed to tely on 
".BcoiiEa iSD Mcr.oKn" 

Pritk. Cuts both way«. that oaie. I put Uiat t© the judye— then 
your own witntaa— what waa hia nsmo? PlTDDLKBY, did for you; 
that answer I jfot out of bim on the rt-examinatioa— that gave me 
all i wanted I 

The y. B. (utho hat been littening to all thit on the other tide of 
hit Client, and Ihiaki it time, to ilrike in and change the lulfject). 
Are you— a— going biok to Yokelford thia aftiimoon r 

The C. C. Uettily). Eh, what? Ob, forijot yon Wfro thnrol 
Qoing back ? V«s, yen, of onnrae I What ii t.ntr«< to do here, now f 
I Tumi to Mr. I'liiSK I'j a nuirkcd rnnnnfr.) Yra, I am slad to have 
this niiportiinity ol tj'UinK j nil. Sir, how T*ry mnch struck I waa 
with the way yoii (~!''ndiioti-d jour oa«e. I may eay »o, now it '» all 
oyer. I oan recogniiie ability (with a ditparaging glance at IhtY. B.), 
when I da happiio t.) oome anroee itT 

Priik [iiimili.si.niity). I)i.)iKhted to hear you aay »o— hard-lon|tht 
case — t-T — [rccKgnttrt the Y. B., and Ihinkt he can afford to bt 
fnicruui}—oti hi.lh Bides. (2'u Atlendanl.) Htr« 1 I aaid mtittoo. 

Til C. C. Well, we bud a good caao— «u paper, I aupiHiao Mr. — 
er — Pbi^E, thuok you ! 1 auppoto you don't oonficu yourself to 
any particular elaaa uf prautioe ': 

Pi ilk. Bteta yuu, no I Take anything that comH in my way — 
trouble you to pieb Ihc! aalt. 

The C. C. Ipumpoutly). Ah, ju«t »o, I thall rsmembcr that — 
Pritk, and your idilrvea la in the Law l.ial, 1 daresay J 

Piiik. Ought tu be— been there for ail yeaianow. <.To Barmaid.) 
Qet me lome chccie and butter, will you F 

The C. C. {to the Y. B.]. Yon don't iseB to be getting OH—I moat 
be ofi Boon. 

The y. B. {feelingfortom and tttglteted). They haven't brontht 
me my chop yet [plainlirtly). 

The C C. It'tstr^mieinpiy], Y'oa ahould atiert yourself more — 
that'* the way to eeton in thia life. (To (A< K. M.) When ia ihia 
gentleman to have hia uhop? 

I'Ae i'. M. Waiting (or your chop, Sir? Sorrr you didn't mention 
it. .Sir— work of time, a choji ii, Bir. {Loudly.) actv—'iirry np that 
grill. obop tbore! (7'Ae crviatoAen up, and carried down iiUo lltt far 
diilance, until the V. B. /mZ* thoroughly aihamtd <^ hi* tiop, attd 
uiehei he could 6ntak off and detert it. The B. U. to tmall iaar icitA 

Slate.} itoaal b«( and Yorkihire — right.' there's a good bo-oyl 
ow. then, my dear, don't take all the rwim therel {Putting hit hand 
on Barmiiid'i ihouldcr and taming her round, which the appeart to 
rcunt privately.) 

The C. C. Well. I can't lUy here all day. Good dar, Mr. Prnar, 
glad to have mada your ac'iusintanoe — hopn w» shall nnd ourwtvc* 
on the lonu aide, next tim-i I fly-by, TiuMaaMAwI iTo Y. B.) 
iSxit C, C, leaving Tiukxkmax and Pkuk tiife hy tidt. T. 
pr*timdt not li tee P. 
Priik {with a nod to T.l, Thought I knew jonr faee. Bom old 
boy, IhftC Client of youia I 

T. ibillerly). He won't bo a Client of mine moch longer ! 
P. (fiii'/vJ- "b, 1 don't know— you didn't do bo liadlr. If yon'd 
taken the line I lh<!ughl yuu wore going to take, I aboold have born 
up a tree. ( Consolingly.) Everyone mnfia it at starting, and bot 

(or 

T. tnot rery far from choking). Thank yon— bat it isn't mnoh 
good difOUMiog all that ovnr agatii .' 

P. [with eituptrating good itmprr). Kot a bit— if you doo't like 
it 1 Miilako to carry peraona! feeling into a cnne, though,— you'll 
liod that out when you 'vo bc~n at it a little longer 1 

^if* payt hit bill and Hrolli (xi(, lea%'ing the Y. B. to fhtrith 

v/ild Ihoughln of " chucking-up" Ih* Bar, and going in for 

ranching or dtamond-diggmf, 

E. U. {rrturning britkly). Your ohop at latl. Sir I (in a ton* ttf 

d**p myitrry and conjidenttcl eongratmation, at if tt didn't oeeur 

every day), and a hot potato. Sir 1 

[in hit viracity he ilomi the di*he* on (A« eoimter filk a forte 

that upiett Ihe Y. B.'t beer inta hit plat*, and thootia t*ry 

€/,ury potato into hit neektie. 

Th* 1 . B. \wilh a arnte that nothing will protprr with him any 

more]. Oh, it doean't matter— don't botncr about it! {Beimiktina 

sickly mcinnrr.) 

The E. M. {noticing the imile with appropal). Glad yon are aUo 
to see the merry aide of it, Sir I 

t^Seene elottt in on the Y. B. ptrkiag dolefuUy at hit chap, won- 
dating what hit Client it taying of htm mow, and teithing h» 
Add Meiwr been born. 



143 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI. 



[Maboh 34, 1888. 



AMONG THE LATEST PARISIAN SPECTACLES. 




RKNTltf.K DE H. LE Cf;Nf.RAL EOL'M DE BLEULANGER, 

AttthtTiff " Sn Rirrnant dc la JUpui" irJw will r/ltt hU neii Song, 
adapltd/nm lAt Kagliih, entitled. 

Two Lord jf Blue Eyrt ! " 



MR. PUNCH'S VERY QUEER STORIES. 

BLACKWOOD'S T4LE; OB, A MA8TEK OF BL-ltK ARTS. 

Chiptbk II. 

The next momlof; earlf found me ttirtiu^ for Dftmiuoue. I hod 
Tooeived k poat-OKd in a diabolioat Land bidding me go there ftt 
uaoe. Uoder the oitCQinitaDoes it Bfemed Ihe only reuouuble thinr 
t» do. I uked lenv* of llie Princijial. The l<rin was iiiilf bnlf 
fioithed, nnd hn refosei). I laughed in his fnoe. and iaitautly 
brought the immunse fi>rea of my wiU-powtr into piny. The 
tffrct was eleutrio. With a feeblu BUjtger. nod a Biclclr fsr-off 
(mile, he >t once eava me perniieBion t<i " «t*y down as long u 1 
tilled." I started by tho twelve o'olock expreaB; the same train 
oontained Gullttopf, who had received a mtuive similar to mine, 
»nd w«a dupaning. without further hpsitation, straightway for 
P«t*jionia. We parted at Foddiugton. Thence ouward my Juuraey 
wa« an eaif one. 

In three wetka alter my departure I fonnd myself loUinir in la/y 
ItUCOIT undsT tho deep blue oauopy of the EMl«ru Ueridiau. In 
Mtu rMpec ta tba hotel I had lelect^il at riaiuasuiui was a pcuuliar 
one : It had a back garden of rosea that led imperoejitibly iuto a fair 
(rreen (hhio in an Arabian ilssprt, inter»ept*d by oool buhblinjt 
BtteftmlelB that played in the toft ahadows of the lovely oleander and 
myrtle biwhoi, whinh lent it it* (ubtk- and fautanlio charm. Hero 
it was my wont to wander 'neath the myriad »tars that glistened in 
the atillj' firmament above, while the |)ale utciijont moon hung lus- 
pendcd la tho fuitirald amber ol the dvmt" West, lying like a alice of 

Slorifird and tilvijrrjd raelon upon ita back in wmu wondroua inoan- 
r-ioent and trainliicelit eta. 

One night I happened to haro atrollrd many miles further than 
■"■ my wont in this cnuhanting pnr«di«e, (mm the habitable pre- 
t of mv abode, when a atrungo aound tmote mv ear. 1 listened 
tV- J via not diaappointod. 1 dietinotlf heard the word* 




" Jf->ap-tii ■' " prononnoed in a iweet but melanftholy voiue. To da»h 
through the iuterveuin^ mjrtle-buthea and lind mfaelf euddenly 
iuaide a Ciriiua, iu whiuh a Iroupt were giving their entertainment 
appareutly to empt; heuuhsB, waa but the work of a moment. I 
notioed that the atructure aeem^d shadowy, and 1 advanced into ttie 
rinit. Two Bounding Hrothere were going through their eieroise. 
! poked one with my umbrella. It went through him, 1 approaobod 
the leading lady, and tried playfully to ombraee her. My nraa 
clasped noliiing— she was mere vapour. The Ring-maater atooped 
down to pink up something : I tried to ait on him— I wont to the 
ground. There waa no doubt about it ; I had m«t vith * Clrou* 
Iniupt of performing spirita. They were clearly Ocu.Tion'a rela- 
tions, Tbey crowded about me. 

"And are yon happy f " I aiked, atmok witlt tho rather moomfal 
cast of their oountvaaDoea. 

" Almost," thcj; replied. "The fact ia, we should be quite, it it 
were not for the oironmatanoe of our playing to empty benchta. it is 
weary work never getting a hand," tiioy Bighed. 

" And we have been tunning this programme now for eighteen 
thousand nighia in this oasis," added the Kius-mnster, with ft 
mournful amile. " It is a little alow— jui( a little aljiv I " 

■■ But it eholl be ao no longerl" I rejoined brightly. >'or I had 
already made my resolve. I would materialise these poor upeotres, 
and restore them living, breathing, animate beings tn OucLTTOfr 
ODea more. And as 1 mode up my mind, 1 felt my whole energy of 
bein^ rush irrestatibly into one channel, and all my miglkty strength 
of wjl sweep aa bupremely to one steadfast and trtmendnua purpote. 
The eSjrt wds colossal, but so was the result. Gradually a atriuge 
change oame over them. Their forms grew denser. The trrinsera of 
the Rjug'master seemed t'>llU out. The Bounding Brothers appeared 
viaihly to put on fli^sh. The n-tipe oame in distinct palohea on the 
leading lady's oheeka. Hy patience was rewarded. My aguniaiug 
effi>rts were suooessful. Their materialisation was complete. 
Within three hours 1 had paid my hotel bill, and booked our poaaagB 
by the mail route direct to Southampton. 

• * • * « B 

But I muit not further delay the climax of my story. I ibad 
brought my cbarfces safely to Oxford, and iestatled them in my 

rooms. Their arrival created some excitement in the College. This 
t discounted. I saw the Principal passing beneath, and I willed that 
he should break out suddenly into a Highland Fling. This h* 
instantly did in the centre ol the quadranirle, and by his wild uitiM 
at once quile absorbed the univor^al atldntion. Meantime OULLT- 
TOFr. who hod. by a strange ooincidenoe, just arrived tiiat ver; 
morning from Pataxonia, had reoognised bis lost relatitet, and my 
scout waa about to lay lunch, when we became conscious of the prv- 
sence in our midst of a bloJing big boll'jon of blue fire, ountaining 
in its centre the evil-looking litlle money-lending Jew. GtrLLTtOFi" 
turned pale. Then he aaked his malign relative what he wanted, 

" What I wantP" shrieked ont the vindiclivu litlle Jew. in reply, 
" Why, I hare jujt looked in .to have a little more fan. 1 'II t«ia«h 
you to meddle with the Black Arts. They shall all die in your 
rooms! Halhalhal Ho! ho! hoi" 

And with a withering curse gn the whole party, he took an upward 
bound and vanished in a bigger halo of blue lire through the coiling. 

His prediction was not lung in taking effect. One by one the 
troupe weri' seized snooessively by violent apopleolio lits. Pi.tYToi r 
rushed Jirst to one, then tlie other, foaming at the mouth, his btaok 
hair streaming in all directions, and his eyeballs .itarting out of hi* 
head. Justaa the second BoiindinBBrothersuooumb('i,hB8t!iggerpd 
blindly towards him, and giving one last wild cry and wringing his 
hand^, fell a lifeless log across his nrostrato body. I summoned my 
scout, and desired him to send for the nearest undertaktr. 

There was a Coroner's Inimeat. The reputation of th« Ccill«fe 
suffered somewhat. But the .liiry broofht in arerdiot of AooLdenUl 
Death : though, ns I bad willed that the PrinolMl and Vioe- 
Chanirellor should he more or less implioated in US aflair, they 
added a damaging rider reflecting Mverely on the obwaoter of those 
worthies. 

Thou{:h thia happened some years a^, I nm still in residenoa. 
From time to time I have had a Waiptirgii Nacht. with its att«aid- 
ant orgies, within the College walls, and on the monow of thew 
occasions I have invariably beea requested by the Prindpal and 
Fellows tj) take my name olf the f!ollege hooks. Need I say I have 
always declined ? 1 am still studying Ihe Black Art, bnt have not 
fet taken my Horter's degree. The Princinal, 1 fancy, instinct- 
ively avoids me. Uen seem to give ne a wide bertli in Hall. Ars 
these things ■trangef Sometimes t think they ar4 ; wiiiMtimM I 
think tbev arc not. Now and then 1 lind mrself onking mysaU 
how it will aU endl Ah I bow wUl itF That 'a the qowtlMi. 
Who knows f __^ 

Oknkem Bouhsotr'* "Props," — For Tragedf— • tmuuHiU 
black burse. Fur Comedy— a mtuic-hall song, rta Faroe— k p>u 

of blua si>tct«ctos. 




yj' gyL/lM j 



mo 'FRN IHE D«tflBTOBV W 



Bout* of Common*. MiiKilav Kight, Sfareli la,— To-Diitht MidmI 
Crisus BnUKfMUi'i opuortaeity in the gnat combined atUok 
u;iOD tlia OofMnncttt, cooduoUd by xea and laad nnder G^niirfti nod i 
Mairal Lnd OsAKnoLFn, V.C. The N»vy cow BtKnalltd iutu | 
Mtin. OfMt opiMrliiuily for CuARMB, but marred in advanoc tiy 
lW astatouMt ot GKAMrmLTiT. Cuari.ie us«d itp laxt weuk is j 
■uppurtiiii OaiNi">LPH'8 personal stuck oti Ariuv E»linial*«. If 
ho d BBVca bimiieill far tu-Diirlit. wuuld linvohwd full Himna ftiid high 
old tisn. But MoritioHl bimaelf fot Obani>olpr'i4 lake. Huum 
didn't ean to bear npMob orer asiin. if Chaklie hadn't said nrhat ' 
b* bad to m; Uit week, bo ihomd have dune. Uuubo Devir circi | 
to male* two bitci kt cherry or ipreoh. Iiuttentioa uid in- . 
diScmioa re>aeled apon Cu-tuUK. Not st nil np to tho nirk. 
Oun-nMiB ttorita btat part oi ipcMh, but thi*c not artutioallr 
bindlad. 

Admiral MiTTiK told of! to kr>rp vi^Janior Ijord iupplifid witb 
wmt«T. lltiXj carrind oitl in uiilor-liko (luhton. Havii nlongntle with : 
baclut of water aod Mt down on Btccb at orator'* feet. | 



" Ahojr ! " Mnr out Chaiiuk, is loud atidn, whm bit throat gi.t 
parohed with mnob Kpeakinr. 

"Af. sy, Strl" antwercd the Admiral, and ran up the bucket, 
hand over hand, till CntRUF. could dip hi> beaker in it. Thaa 
towEr<^ away and itowed it undrr scat. 

UouDu never tired of wstuhinK this mann'avre. But nothiup 
could kef;) debate alive. I'llukered otit before dinuer-botir. Scemr^ 
u if HuuDo K^iaii intu Committee. Itut ouddenly wind frtabcncd, 
sails tilled out, and debitfl weut ott on Kiiulher taok. 

lieu AdmiroJ Kikld tcreatlv distiriR'uiahrd himielf ; cams down 
with Dot« of prodiitioin KpMeu full fifty fathoms Iiinit. Arxioim to 
■poak from comer Mat hy Crosa-Ueaohw. But that bnlonipi loTntOlL 
lUitiEKTso!(, the blind Member for Brijibton. Abmnt jutt now, but 
cxpcfited dawn aftft dinner. So Kisld omiicd abaut the Bar till 
lionaiirsoK hove in*:i[ht: ran np to him; took him in low, and 
adraitly anohortd him on front ('roiii- Bench, thua learing ttaiwr 
nWc Roti*mnir M«nad ti thick noiitioit mtainal. flat, uea^ 
tomed tn bo led to leat by fiiudly Mauberi, aaid natlua«^•»A. 



\ 



11« 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Harcb 34, 18£8. 





Tiadal B('Wft*nn'« Couvoy. 3^ 
Bat what wu olesr nt end 



FlSLD h*d anohorage befnrB Croa**Beiioh &11 to himself. Covered 
Front '£«nch for h&Ii its apnoa with his Dot«a, 1eiin«d agiiiut Croia- 
Benoh utd eojoyed himielt far ip&oe nf nn hoar. Can't baa&id,u far 
u kodienoe vtm coDoemed, th&t pl«ft-. 
•ur« wu mutusl. Bat U«mb«r* mifflitl 
mt loast leave the Hoose,— and they 
did. 
Bunnell Jon?.— None. 

TueiJag. — No limit* to eneritr or 

vanatilitf of GiUHDUU'a. Means to 

bring down a Oarerainent that pre- 

lumM to oontinue iU exiitenoe when 

he hii withdrawn. Doetn't mntter 

whence or how he can attack them. 

Lul WMk astailed them hj land. 

T«aterdar attacked them bf sea. To- 

dajr Urea a mine io far-off Ind. Old 

Huralitr, r-riewing pciailion at iines- 

tion time, thought 0\i?ernmenl wtr« 

lloiQir to lia*e a uiiivt dny. SLArio 

had Motion duwD. oljnllenginjt frnntier 

policr in tndU- Be would mak« hia 

■pc«oh, (fOiifiT wonld reply, and then, 

in all probability. House would be 

ConnlenOnt. la tha pleasinirprOBpect 

guit« forgot r.itiSiioi.PH. But that 

tnvJDoible and iniatiabla warrior not 

to b« ixnorfd. liaviuR aesunifid the 

oommtad '>t the oombincd land and 

atta foruta, would now add India aa a 

triHe in hio ir«llfct. Showed himself 

a littld ihaky in some of hla 6gnn». 

and not quite oertain in hia geoerapby. 

of bis Bjieech waa that a miserable Oovemment that hid no Army 

worth ipnnkinij ol, and no Nnry that the fi wit* could not jwalliw 

at a moulhful, were making terrible mesa of it in lodm. Old 

Morality, who had left the Honse after question*, oiatinanly returned 

and aat in abject mi»*ry on Tr«ttsnry Bench, whilst GaAHOoLi-H 

(arlh«r dpmolished Mini*try, 

Aft*r thia hope of a Connt Oat and a peace- 
ful sitting vanished. Alt the anthorities on 
India came to the tront, and hour alter Lour 
pamed. L'obtrkp K*T-SHCTTLF.«"iiBTn, the 
mildest mannrred man that ever cat into de- 
hate, gave Kaniiolph a neat hit. " Heartily 
weloonud a* a reuruit to the ranks of Ecouomy. 
the Nohle I^rd. who waa retpoufiblB tor the 
addition of 10,000 I'^uropeau auldiera tu 
the Indian Army." Close upon mid- 
night Bui'Bit t.KranHJiioK rose to make 
his treoanred speech. wherenponC*t!tE, 
who had comfortably delivered hia, 
moved Clanure, and Huuie divided. 

Joseph Gillis now asserted himself. 
Took aeat above Gangiray. ao aa to be 
nearer the ^psaeeie, and with copy of 
Ordera in hand, cloiety followed the 
right honourable gentl^man'a utter- 
ances. Whenever a Pill in Catalogue 
<A Orders of the I'ay recited and [ira- 
noeal made to advance it a stage, the 
lithe, liesoni ligure of Joey B. ruse to 
it* full height, and, with fairy hand 
oliitchinjt at toe air, he nttered the 
maiic words, " I object 1 " 

No sppeal. Under New Rules any 
Uvmbrr takius objection to progress of 
particular iiilla allpr midnight, can 
■tup Uicm ; *Bud JoKKPii did, hia face 

un.1 ...w ji.. •• meanwhile beaming with large bece- 

•*Th.«lUc^m«m..r.d]M..i." .,„,^^_ ^„j , little ohackle. sounding. 

now and again, like faint, far-olf echo of the gtouu of Memheri who 
fonnd I heir opportunity strangled. 

Buitarii ifiriir,— gi.AUu'n Il^lution oaodemning Frontier Potioy in 
India, njtct«d by 1-':! votes against Ti. 

irrJn*«(/ny.— " Whw we rearrange the Parliammtary Calendar, 
ttda will be known aa ti. BeinLiroRs Day." 

ItWu the voice of the ATTOR\BT-<!iB3(i!BiL; I knew ho would 
mmpUn. BUDUron had moved Second Headinir of Oatha Bill. A 
faw T**^ **(> Hembsr for Northampton had been huatti<cl out of the 
HniN, and finaUykiukt'd down. stairs, lirst bet'auae would not take 
^Ouh, tBdlbeu hecuuea he wanted to. Now, had brought in Bill 
not ooly pwctioally abolishinit Oith in I'arlianipnt, bnt everywhere 
ebe whem hoUMl oiti/eiiB are called Upon to swetr. Attornft- 
^jr.r/ckj£ mil flea jn-rmilted to speak for GoTprnmiBt in Opposing 




BilL Too many ConBervativei.'inclndingSoucriOB-GiWEaiL, Boiog 
other war. Bsadlauqb maator of the situation. Terrible 0<>n- 
viotion that he might, an he pleased, 'have Old Morality kicked 
down-ataira, or even the ATioHNnr-GiniEBii. 

OuiBUoi.i'H invincible on the st>B, irre- 
aistible on land, and master of India, quite 
broken di>WQ by BRiiiLiTTi>H. The (juea- 
tion before Hrjuse to-day wan the very one 
tbiit gave birth to tiie Fourth Party. 
Obilkdolfb, siltiug in corner seat alHJVe 
the Gangway, recalled and contrasted the 
old timui. when, tirmly but tciacefully 
standing in hia chariot Obstruction, he 
drove hia irrepressible party, three abreaal, 
riding down everything, even Qlicstobe's 
overwhelming majority. Now. Qobst was 
on the Treasury Bench, BsLyoDU in the 
Cjibinet, WoLFFlR on the road to Teheran, 
RntiiLkciiH carrying everything before 
him, and Gsasdoli'ii stranaed on a back 
Bench. A dark and trnahl«d outlook. 

Simntt$ livnf. — BB(i>i.tcoH'g Oatha 
Bill carried by majority of i>)0. 

Thuridiiy. —FiKhD positivelv on again 
with mure acres of speech I On Monday, 
this Ancient Mariner button-holed House 
tor upwards of an hour ; intcrrupttd by 
stroke of midnight. Now. having, as lie 
genially admit*, refreshed hiH memory, pro- 
potna to go on for another hour. Moored 
once oxoin in hii favourite aocborage before 
Croea- Benches, having during queition time „ . , i. .- n, 
beguiled TiBniiRoBEETSOS into the ■ctTing G^ndolpht.k.njaOloMOv 
brfal,estgn.l.,lo.vedhimintothelibrarf J/i^^j^J ""> ''•'*'*'*' 
and stranded him there, 

" D.in't ofttin get a chance of making a apeeoh." sayi AdminL. 
" Now I "vc got it, mean to make moit of opportunity." 

Members cleared oat with one soiKird, leaving Admiral in toUtary 
poaseaaioo of the deck. TbiK bad enough in its way. but worse to 
follow. The reverberating CriLOMB, who la't week desolated House. 
enooarsned by FiBi.n's uncoeis, p^witively came to front again. 
Lugged lu seven basknta tilled with frsgments from the fiast he had 

SroTided last week. The-o now Borupulously served out. Unhappy 
^onae in ultimate atsae of inanition. Almost at last gasp whrn, 
somehow, there being tit* rally no one preaeot tu objtct. tumbled into 
Com.miLlee. Voted trill« over Three Millions sterling in thfle orar 
three minutea' time. 
Suiiiuit dona. — In Committee of Supply. 

Friday yifht.—OaiiKS Vfianx Moiwas ran MAioiioTTto earth 
to-nieht in matter of britf accepted for Isuiu, Pasha. Oskisit has 

bad his eye npon Uaebiott for sometime. Painful to wtll-ri-gu- 
tated mind to hear of snch enormous fee as MAnidoTT got ; a rvfluC' 
tion on the Btay-at-home Bar. MAitfiiirrr mode few jokes in reply ; 
FBRnnsson waa very serious; end Attoiii>kt-OkM(ra[. professionally 
indignant. Tint, on whole, affair rather drasged, and everyone gUd 
whin liivision came. As PLCNHCTiays, " Judge-AdvoOat^Oeneral 
on Judge- Ad vooale- General ie false heraldry." 
.Sifiinesf don*. — Habkioit whitevaahed by 218 Tote> n^aiaat I i&. 




KUR3EBY RHYMES. 

(/or variant Sitprrrrt,') 

Thk&k waa an old woman, Viotnala and drink. 

And what du you think, 

Bhe lived upon nothinjt 
But victoola and drink, 



iiTTuata aoa annE, 
Were the chief of her diet. 
And so she had gont-~ 
When she had to b« tjoiet. 



pAT-a-coke, pat-a-eake, Boker's 

man.' [can ; 

Pat it and bake it as foat as yon 
Bake it and serve it to someone, 

not me. 
For I 'm not allowed to lake any 

paitref. 



Jack ind Jill 
Velt rather ill. 

Until they drank hot wat«r. 
It did Jack good 
Before Lis food, 

Bot Jill took tumWen afl»r. 
MxBKr AxDitnr. 



tlorro FOB THE UODBOX rBIltl tLXCK. 

He who won't tight, but "■print*" amy. 
May Uva to " go* " another day. 

ScBDraLODS iNDCEii.— The Libetala «f the Oowcr Divi^oa of 
Glamorgan mutt surely be ardent tupportm of Mr. BBAPLAtmit'a 
■■riiths liill." lAfyoaonot oven b* indaotd to "tiJte their (Kr 
Horace) l)iVBt I " 



*>• M0TICX. 

ta a« 



la ajT^^lk^^ VommmicatLoaa or CdBUibstionJ, Whstbn MB., rrtnUA Kattct, Oiawings, or Piotnres of any descH, 
**»« J«j*» rtturaei, not fna wbea atcompaiiied by • 8ta»Md aoA iWreswl 'Eaviite^, Coim, «i Vtaopsr. T» 
u^wrv WAIT A# no exemption. 



Mabch 31, lim.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



145 



I 




I 



VOCES POPULI. 

SHOW SrUDAT. 

BcMn—Tht SlttJio ■>/ Uutl nrtatilt and ambiiinu* young PamUr, 
DaFBENXT finFPBLL; ruua/ acettsfirin : three t^implffeti pi^' 
lartt on f^teUMljf tlrapfd aaitU. SllPPELL ditearered rfceiring 
A'liniJfiy i-m'&trf, and trying tn conftai his utUr uncorucioainttt 
<tf*ttr haring uen any of thtm h'for* in hit ichoU lift. 

ibM [at Iht door), Hn. Joitxk ... llr. Boi-pks . . . CoIoqoI 

And Mn. CuoiTKii . . . 
Mr. &n4 Mr». Fiixnit- 
UCXFloppkk ... Mr. 
'AULIoit 'Oppkr 1 

Slipprlt [ni'i-futnif- 
alty to e-ach). Huw 'irr 
joQ y »o kind of yi>« t* 
oorae— jroii'll— {•"''I « 

nerpoui latigh)~^i t 

piotura or two over 

there. 

[2%* riiitvrt drift 
cofiufy about, ihy- 
ing mMTtmuty at the 
fanraufi, and IX- 
aminiiig the iapti- 
try aaamirrort, or 
aitylhing tl$t hy 
pr^tTtnct, 
MoAtL Mn. AkD- 

LUOB l.K Hni.TDK . . . 

Hn.and Min* I^akji kut 
BASCn . . . Mnu Qoi.n- 
iso&ui FarcnnKCK I 

Stippell {fivtrjoytd U> 
find HI knaw> turn*- 
body). Urt. PutCK- 

HKCH \ how ah&rmlDit 
of yua \o find time to 
look in — I really am 
<taiKht«d! 

Jfn, Pinchbeck. 1 
found 1 ooald r'ruf muuRA to R^nwie jnm io — *o many pImk« odd 
miut go to, doQ t foa know ! 

^Stip, {guiltily : lik* a tmall boy wAa hat just miathtd a teindou)). 
Till jrou— »— let me »)iow yon what I "re Wn doioif ? ThU i« my 
AiudemypiotiiT*. Ilhinkyoa'II it«tftbetter linht if yoa »tiuid a 
little fartWofl. 

[At tht it aypnrtntlu procading to rub nottt witk tht prin- 
eipttl figtirti on (A« ran mi. 
Mn. F. {rtliring}. Ah. th*t i> better — muth b«tt«r. tPrr«*ir*t 
Ifiat lAf ni^et it eianiettt, and dttidei that the mutt he cartftt not 
la eotnmil Atrittf,) Yc«t {Dr'sai tn har breath rtrerenUy.) I 
OMilda't h«TB bel)eT«d it wu jMnailiLe to nnliiu! lunh m iLtu&tlon u 
tliat — MaiyiA«ae/eelt ihst it muit havn been juat to! 
Stip. [h^hlu yraiifttd.) You do think it Iclli it» awn etory then ? 
Mrt. P. \Mititf hrr oien). Uh, ye« — indttd 1 da I Vou oui't htip 
Mtins it I 

{Propitiatft htr contn'mt* by tkt rtfleelinn that tha mtatit tit 
picture, ahieh, bting 10/t. by H, it indttd dittinctty ntHdt, 
A eratod gradually toUeett around Iht principat eanvai in aiped 
w V iHW, «aeh ptrrion prudently toaiting to diieortr trhat it ii 
inltnded to reprtieni or/ore risking a rdmark. 
lira, P, {r^ndtted holder hy turrett.) I dcn't think I tvtr qoite 
{dt balcn hov aplendjd Anoiviit ii(>mi< mutt htvi- Wra I 

^p. Ak— «UOtlv, ^lm—\i1'l.— [coniidemltty) iiiolly WU not & 
Roman Prorinou ftt tbe time BAi.JtVHTinn otme to ByracuM. 

Mrt, P, iplunging more wildly, niited by detverale recotUctioni 
of a coUTie of Itctaret on Grecian Caloniiation.) Oh, no, uf OOUrte— 

that WAS later — let mti aee, wun't BuicmoN une of the cftrly 
lyrutti' 

Slip- {.in ntigiud ditguil.) Yon miut r«*lly uonw ma from 
oflsnnr uT opnuoit. 

[2m Syttandert art much impnited, am/ Hra. P., immnutly 
ftiaud by h*r erudMon, laktt her lean. 
MixUL Mr, UoKntDflT HojiDiiitoaB . . . Un. Ouo UutaKmt, 
ud fricDdn. 

Unttr Hn. HABOUtn with a littU run, Itco frimdt/Mitping rttue- 
lamlly in her train. She fatU into a pom of rapt adaration 
b^ort tht pritteipal ronvat. 
Mn. Margrren. Oh, Mr. SitppkllI how eotdd joaf What am 
I to My F What apiotnre! 

Mr. Undtrlant (from behind.) Ah, ah**! riiht tArra.' icAaf a 
(QO^rel 
Mrt. Mar. I Bnatn't look. T poaitinly mn»l not .' T 'm blindtd, 

TOb lOT. 



dMzlcJ— it njnli™ mc want to hide my eyen. {Sympathtlie murmur 
from Und.) Why, when it's hnng it Will kill (vtrjlhing near iti 

Und. [atidc to Fair Neifchbuarl. At all ereitta, it 'a doDB 
nothing to deserve haniiiiiic ^e' •' It wrin't be hone till it'* oat 
down ; and, if it '■ out down, ic '11 be oat up \ regolu mad Iriak bull 
of api)Rtar». that I 

Fair Neighinur {feho hamCt on hIm irAot A# mMiu). OK Hr. 
UBDiHTnuK, ./(.nV-yOQ 're too killing ! 

Mrt. Mar. {hringtng up hfrfrirndl]. Ohl bot I Unstn't forget — 
1 want to preaeot Mr. Dctukkb (in a tehitper to 8.), the Ocmmrb, 
yoD know l (8. bovii, and Iriet to look aaif Out deteription cvnpeyed 
tomt drfinite idea la hit mind : Mr. J), jirki and mitmbUf.) Mra. 
Plumubb t (Mrs. P. performt a revrrential euritej/, at if the toat in 
thf pretence nf a reiuiciCa<ed Old Mattrt at the nery Uatt.) Now 
{vsith mufh tMt]. du tell them the atury of tbo pialnrB in your omi 
icorrfi .' {At if the ioouldn't ipail it by telling it herielf.) 

fftip. {icho beffint to see that it may he at veiii, W<i1I. tt'a from 
Itaowmsiii. yoo know—" BtUCnTiOK reciting the Alknti* •'/BsBI- 
riou to the Hjrooiuaiui on the itept of ths Ti^mptn of litraklaa." 

[ Univertal cKorut uf pltattd ncogitttten, 

Mrt. Flapper {rntititiattically). That dirnr ItKomtmo— ao Ai« 
him! 1 do MO* rceitationa. Have yon over heard " Oitler Jot f" 

Cabmtl Crmptr {to Mrt. Maxorxkh. iu a fouliaus arhitper). 
Mi«ht I aak—T didn't quite oatoh— what it th« aubjeot auppMrnl 
to be? 

Mrt. Mar. [leho hct a good tar, but a ihort mtmory). Oh, don't 
yonkniowr It'a (rffipfritteM "EiTBiPiDT»in«itiii« the Syracmani 
to dlaoom t loat ton* umder (he >tei» of the Tem|)te uf ' AiUkiaaed- 
ui,'" Ton remember nov f 

Col. C. Tm, Tea— 1« be aute ; aatonishing hcrw oo* forget* theae 
thinca—eohaArf.' 

Mrt. Roieitry Satth [io htr daughter). What ia it all abont, 
FwuiiA T 

Mill It. It. I 'm n<)t quilt mn), mother : Imt I think it '• Eobipidbs 
with hi> lyre. aoonninK nnwlxidy of exciting the Beraoleae by & lost 
tan«.— out of Hkowkiko. 

Mr,.R.Jt,ltalitfi»di. Ohl "ThtLoit Chord!" Ah, yea, I aeo. 
I 'd f orz_ott«n that waa lii*. 

Mr. Bvpptr Uidnmcing poatpoutly to SnPPRLL). Do yon know, my 
dear Sir, that tbat '» a very remarkable pialure — it— ah — reiDindi me 
of an anenlota I nooe 

!$(>;:>. [trading him blandly). Indeed F Tbnn my work haa not been 
altMethet wut«d. 

Jfrv, Jivptr ["fler gacing lung at the caneat, ioS.tn a derp tolemn 

voiet). Allow mo to mk— do yon — or— take yonr own iwrapeotiTea f 

Stip. fsatpina, and then recovering hit prettne* of mind), 
acneratly, daar uidy— whererer I can oouo boioib th«m. 

Mrt. Jop, {profoundly). Quite right It ii the only way to 
auooaedl [8. retrtatt, deiply myttifUd. 

Stip. {to Mt«. Mab.). Oh, are you looking at thutt that'i m a 
(juieter itvle, you loe. Child nnriinji a (ink monkov. 

Mn. Mar. Do yoti know — though, of oonrte, the otliet picture, 
the — the " Syripptdant." ts one of the fcleat 1 tver aaw ; I thick thii 
i* more ttriking, somehow 1 how eiok that monkey louka I and the 
child, too— dB-lioiooa ! 

Stin. So glad yon tike it : jD«t an idea of mice {disparagingly), an 
vita ! 1 'm atittle doubtful what to call it— mont havD a good name 
for it. Can jon taggeit a title for me^ 

Vnd, {aa before). Ahem, give a bad plotare a good name, and 
they may bans it ! 

Mr,. Mi%r. \lo a, impuUivtly). Oh I yet .' Call it— well {uith 
a brillian! inipiration), how woiud " The Sick Monktiy" dof 

S/ip. ChnrmiuK—Bdintrablp T but— jiut a thfla too juftCb, ehf 

I'nd. Why not '■-* Pfltr(-/'i.m"r 

Mrs. Mar. {hriahlty). No. / know— " J/<™*fy and Child"; 
■utiuda (luHe '" Old MiuMry." 

Und. initio ivrc). Won't get beyood rounding ; better label eaoh, 
to prevent uonfnsion. 

Mrs. Mar. Well, I miut tear myieif away, Mr. Stiffzlc. I 
oaa't tell yen bow you 've itirauUled me I 

Stip. Not at alL Have yon had any eoH«e F 




mfTO pIiaiurt-BtekiTig 

Und. Thgy woald indeed I [Aloud to B.). Qood-bye, Srirpox, 
old fellow; yon 're toiag to aitoniah Qt allliu tine, that 'a plain. 

OUXKIOB, 

Confuted Chortit uf Htpartitig VitUort. Did rOB «t<fr ace fu«lt 
dreadf ol thian F What aH»' itii, ira't itF" 

Mn. Mar. [to friend). 1 uiure yuu, my dear, I never found ao 
mueli diflcolty in aaying anything at all dtetntfy tjiil about a 
pjotore in my lU^-raaUy tea tbookinttT-tbaT ean't get ia I Sow, 
where afcall we go next f R will be quite remabtut to tee a pK^we 
acalnt 



116 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[UtEGs 31, 1B86. 




MR. PUNCH'S PARALLELS. No. 6. 







"JOSEPH'S SWEETHEART." 
{A Pietdinjofu* Froffrntni cf a Tali of Imvii a-ad Loyalty. AdapUd to Iht Sitaatimt. ) 



Sbowixd bow OVK IIuo sutrTN wmt kcorh tbk pnoneus 

TBK ODJKCT OP BIB First 
• ■«•*■ 

JoKSi-H WM ROW ia what IB GBlIed'Uin "priin«of life"; bewuof 
the hi|ib«9t dff^eo of middle statnro ; hia hnir wiu smaitly uid 
ti&o'ittily diip<!«Ml ; hi* fnri^hpftii waiifKirlvhiKli, if tomenbkt hkitow, 
hit tye» were bold md kwn, an full of ((ircwdne** u of wlf-MMr- 
tioD : hi* com a litUe inclined to whAt, in vulitar TeTHROalu, u 
ekU«d the Kuub. bat it i«, petbapa, better deticribed bf the politer 
t«rm "OUitiol": hii lip* wvru lirmly ah.iiiill«l tmd alosfty net; 
Ilia face was p«rieotly Htnooth un thti ohm uud upper lip ; hiti 
ooust^rDanoe had a cold oumputiuru juiued wilh a LioukKurBDVBi 
iaaxpretati^e, a PiTT-like euntbiDLtiou of power tuid porkloeas. 



Title at ths HasKi or Laut Tort DitiiOitkor, asD ouxoa ro 
LovB, Dkak Obuockaly. 

Add to this the tnoit perfect neatneM in hi* drtt*, an orohid in hi* 
biitt<:inhole, and nii >tr, whiob. to thoia who bave not Mwn tnatiy 
Doblemen, mig'ht give an idea of nobility. 1 make thia qualiSoatioo 
the more omphatioally foraamnpb b» that lo lotxv-u hii 
indeed, hi« own farlisr iitturanoeB might be triiiit*ii— ot _ 

with " the Nobility " would umioi the reveran of oompiiin*nt«ty. 

Saoh waa the p«non wliu bow appeared btfore the {.adv. " Oome, 
JoET," Mja the, " t«ll me trulv, WDO in the happy girl wdow ohjLnna 
have madu a iMDc|UL-vt of joti ? ' 

" Her Eiame," Bimwcrtd J08EPR. "ia DeXOCBICT. I hun WODcd 

her hog. and to lui I wtU bo laitbfnl." 



Uaoa SI, 1888.] 



PONCH. OR THB LONI>ON CHARIVARL 



117 




BRASS." 

SyMpaiUiit Old LaJy. "Ou Duit. iiiiul I i>o so ritRL, Masbl, ros TSAT roos >U.s wtru rut uoku Tuuhi-kt."— (Sk« nit«i 
hmoh (A« Trufniau ^ lAii Stt^t Band.) — "All Tuuouau rus I'lUCs, usut, lu'a uiui ittTisa 10 rix it iianr, asd hr cah't do 
ir, POOR PrllowI i" 



"Pojhl" Dried the IaiI)' : "a low-born wanoh, who i» anybody'* 
uorMj — whom the whole tig-rA|{ and bob-Uil of medio witiot, 
pbilMOphio ptidonti nnd prueperoua tradcBmrn, jji^muters and 
p«nphlct''er9, flitulcnt BRitatorB. and frothy jouruiliht* may oimrt 
vith eqaal ehnnoe of sncnesa. You might liiok hiKlier." 

" I ihink not," said Josiu'H, qnietly. " Not m />oe it," 

" Ye», Jour, yp*; indeod yon might," persisted the Lady. "Tell 
ma, JoKT, in your lat« traveU in my semce, it it ^ssible that ideai 
have Dot itmoh yon, «motiona movmi yon, aipiratiuas stirred you f" 

" Haoy, Mdiinm, rmponded JosKra. 

" Have you 00 dmbition, Tout ? " uksd the Ladf, arohly. 

"Much, Msdiiiu," retilit-d Joneth. 

"Lai" cried the I.ti'ly, with some asperitv : "yon aOBwer like a 
MtMhitm rather than IiK« the iDKUuiuui aaa apititod youDS fellow 
I taka yon for." 

'* You har«, perhapa, dooa me too ainoh booour. Madam," laid 
the rouDit mau, limply. 

" l)j[i't t'tt^ltud lu too much modeety." aaid tha Ladf* "i"^ that 
■iiiiwtiiim III »] till impcrtiaeut; but pray answer me tbig juration : 
Bnppiwe a lady ihould Imppen to liku you. and admit yuu to Lbe aame 
inbBMey m you might have hopvd lor if you had betn burn tu ht'r 
•phvN, am you certain that nothicfr could tempt you Ui a politic 
tnaafvr oi yoar alfc«tioni t Anawcr mo honeattj, Joseph : have you 
nonora «caw) than to nalie a icraplo of Bic<rihainK any little repU' 
teliail f on intT hare lor^ped to(^<^tlier in another's Betviue, in view 
of Um lEileadiii pLfuibilitiei opened up by her oonduiuennoQ and oan- 
Adtnoer Oaix tod keep a iccret, my Joet ?" 

"Oonld I sou Madam. I wereilUntted for vour J.tdyahip's (erriDe, 
•TCB twapoTwilr," a&nrnred Josbi'b. "1 Dope that oo Uannrit 
I shall ban that obaraoter of you." 

"ButrappoMldOBOtteu^ yon to leavo it.IoKT? 8i;ppoie yon 
\am W (aTonrabl; inprMwd-'Wtill He, tbut I desire to rttain yon 
tbanin f" The Lad* apake loftly, but with earneat >igD:tioance. 

"Iiiid«ed. Madam," nidJo«xrit, "labould be aorry to do anything 
to diaobUfa yvar Ladyship, whom I highly reapeat, and in whoae 
MnWIha*eTMllyhad*TtCTCOOdtUne. But change my allesianoe, 
tmalsr mj affeotiou. mw to ymtf No, yoar Laidyahipl My 
haul la true to my ftrat, ar anlr We I " 



L'ART! C'ESI MOII 

Kmn CoctOxLiN the Ywsy tells m " all about it" in Barprr't 
Maga^int : that ia, he tells ua as much as His Majesty knows, taking 
it pretty well for granted that no English or American actor or author 
baa any snoh Acj'iftintancn with the histrionia Art ai ia paiieaaxl by 
French actors and playwrights in genEral, and by himself. King 
CnuuiiLIIi, ia parlionlar. Clever as he oDdoahtfdly is as an all- 
round Aotor,— ne has been getting a trifle mora alUroand lately, — 
original and amusing as he ia in all his asenrnptions, ynt thare is 
one ill which he is un»]>|>roitohi>blo, and that ia the fUBiimption that 
nobijdy knows anything abo«t I>ramatic Art out of France. King 
CoftUELiN as Dr. Know-alt is admirahJo and most entertain- 
ing. "Take ears," says he, inttnicttng, as we may sappose, 
Master RsHBr Isruiaand a few more youthful amatenia. Take 
eare to oonoentraU your whole being in Uie eye." As Don Tooi.Kno 
would obicrvp. " Kpep your eye on your auai«no«, and your audi- 
euuB will pull you through." The 8rand MoQuniue Coat'EUH 
ooutinnes. It is thsre " [i.e., in the eye) " that the public looks lor 
you." What du th« puliliu look for in Pr«*ident CotjoiLin's eye t 
A pupil)' Ho thsy would naturally aspect. Instead of a pupil 
under the lash, they find a master. A master of what t Of hia AJ-t. 
Qoud. Then M. CouuKLOi'sArt is "all his eye;" and it isallfffu, 
— irhioh ia mneh the same thing. Bon Soir, tjignor Cocxiuvoo ! 



To a Seady Writer. 

" lUbal oraters are really rfipnnsible for iitojAnt ia Ireland." — JaSm SrifAt. 

A» coming trota the Oracle of " One Ash," 

Is not this larg« aasumptiao rather taih f 

And i* it you, my Josx, who lling yonr pebbU 

Against " an orator " becausa '* a renel " r 

Think what a huge "glaia hnuk\" Jhes. is jroar'oTn, 

And ask. " la mine the hand to rut i :■.. it »tont?" 

" Hdir lat us drava Vail I "— aa the Hnatanan obamcd, irbm b* 
oonldn't find a fox on the hillside. And they draw & Vale aiwudlM^-i . 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




[Uaroh 31, 1888. 




^"fe,' 



NEW VOLUNTEER MANCEUVRE. 

" Lirr Vbskl ! " 



THE DOOM OF "SHE." 
FuoMuns or A Boiuno or PoLmcAL Adtuitdu. 

( H^Uh apologia to Mr. Stdtr Uaggard. ) 

[The old Totjim— the bigh-nnd-drj Turylim of PrlTilege, and Prejudice, of TBrritetuI 
Autountoj, ini] uill-populm riotuaiTPHeit la diid, awrpt into the limbo of TMii>h«d thiai* 
uid li«l c-oiKFi hy itinl irri'iUttblti UHmKinttii^ tcapulM, □( whoa* >Ii>miBiuit pcviir this 
CeniotTttiTiGoTi-caiDnira trul; JUdirai " Local GoTetiuaent BUI" ia tho ritxriung prear, 
—Sm llady faptri, pautiii.\ 

• ■•■■• 

Tbkhs V&iDfi a fiir mnnieiitB' paiiw daring' whlob " Sht-tchn-ioat-teont-to-hi- 
oitftd " iWinnd to be giith«ring up her Btrength for thu ti*ry trial. 

At Uct, (rum for liu ftwny, CKtnv the firet mormur ^f tiiund. the blurred and 
OonfoMd Mund u uf a dtaUnt uiultitudt: triumiilia.iitly vbuuting, that givw and 
graw liU it bvK^i to oruih and twlIi'W m thoueh oioia u]>-m oiir Ttiry Kt.rt. Ab 
abo heard it "Htuj" Uinw of! Lt>r old True-Ulue wrapciLo^— that v«etare of 
whinli (he had for Bo miuijr K«D«rtilioits boea as con ii*^rvu lively careful at a 
fMbloD&hle lady uf her beauty. a« haujlbtily |>ruud ax a partftm mouaroh <ii tb(< 
Imperial Furpla— sbe threw it utt, I auy, wltb n bulduns of ahan'h<'i tbat wa« 
abit»Iuttjlr ■lui'tlinK, and aluud b(<t<jie u« cwa on the Kcvututiuaary ' ' Guddesa uf 
Ijlb«rt:r mieht have stood btfur« Uobi^pieiiiiu, and the rampant raving 
devoteM of the tied T«m>r, clod in uuthmg but her aativi- luvelinesi, abuut 
whioh, at thia advanced ataRe of her amaiicir ciialcnoe, opiniuna, to tell truth. 
diff«r*4 ooniidernbly. But tu Leo. the Brttub Lio, ahe iiattored hemU that 
■he (till looked Bwe*t— evtn divine. Nearer and nearer came the thunder- wheels 
of tire, revnlving, revolTing iji ■ way strongly ingifeative— oa, indbod, ii not 
onnatuml willi rfevolving whesU— of Revolution I As Ihty come "She" llung 
one ivory arm (1 um thin origiaol oumiiariaoa bccaoie the arm in queatioti was, 
indeed, of the exaot tint of an uioieiit limEe-haiidle or antique Chinese ebeasmon) 
around LiIo'b neok. 

" Uh, my Lzo, my Britiah Leo," abd mnmnivd, " ke«p your beloved pecker 
up. Yoa'ri all right." 

" Perhaps," muitured Leo, rather aullenly, u 1 thoaght. " But hov aboot 
yoimelf 1 1 doubt nii: ot tluit lagioK flame. How do I know that it will not 
ntt«il; destroy you, or, at l«a«t, lo radioallr ohan^ yon that I ahan't know you 
again r" 

" Radkallyi" mormnred "She," wiUi alowly ourvinR l!j)i ot low derisive 
moaie. " Why, my fooliih iaithleaa LtO, know you ant that Contervation is of 
it* * very anenoe.' i<xik at mo ! ha I look eight hun— well, older than Venus, 
or more atrioken in ytan than Psyohe ^ " 

" Humph 1 " mattered Leu. You a«e he had not beheld her without her 
anoient azure wrapping befora, and hs seemed a bit donbtful somehow. 

" Sht-ahu-wat'fOKUta'bi-ofHi/rd'" thoneht for a moment, and then «ftid— 

" It is hardly woodtrfnl that thou nhouldat d^iubc. Tell me, Lxo, if thon 
■Mat me stand in the flam* and oome forth unliarmed. wilt Ibou enter aleoF" 

" Wall— per— ahem!— tbat ie— yee, I »uppo«B to," be answered. 




" And that wm I alw," I cried. 

"What, ray Sollt! " she laughed aloud ; "mathou^t 
that (Aoii W'luldst naught of length of days purohaani oy 

Surging ftct'B, iLod radical change and revolution. Why, 
ow is this 'i- '' 

" Nay. I know not," 1 answered, '" but th«re ia that 
in my heart that oalleth to me t« taste of tlic Some and 
live/' 

"That 's right, Sollt my boy." murmured the faithful 
Joe in mine ear. " A little Bodioal rejuvunesoenoe will 
do you a world of good, and give yon length of daya and 
a rare run (or your money." 

" It i» well,'' '■ She " said. " Thou art not altoprther 
loit in folly, Soi.tr. See now. I will, cot (or the ftret 
time, bathe me in this liviog bath. Fain wooid 1 kdd to 
my beantj and mv length of days, if it be pOMlble, 
Anvhow, It cannot burt me, as oynios aay of the HomoBO- 
path's intLmtesimals." 

On came the crashing, rolling noise, and Iho aoand 
thereof was aa the sound ot nn ancient forest being swept 
flat by a mighty wind, and then tossed np by it like so 
much grus^ ana thiinden/d down a monntain-sidE'. For 
a moment it oame into ray miad that some might see 
in th« anoieDt forest, Privilege; in Ibe roighty wind. 
Popular Franohi»>e ; in the mount ain-eidc, tho caaily- 
deWended Avernus of Old Torviam and tbe ancient 
Sqnbcsiuhy. But I put this aside as fanciful and un^ 
prutimL Noariir aud uuarer it came, the revolving 
irilLarirf flame, abaped toroll-wi>ie it seemed, like unto 
UOpolifiDal oarleaturiat's Bymbulii.-al represtutation of a 
ParuamDutary Bill, and in the heart of it appeared to 
bum ahiiting uharuultrs of a ruuio sort, wbioh DOW 
Msmed lu mean one thing, and now another, aoooiding 
tu the observer's portiuulor |)omt of view. The le' 
D. E. M. 0. I Beemtnl to decipher ; what the othere 
I oonld not satisfautortly determine ; I oaught m' 
hoping that they might not be 0. 0. B. Q. 0. N. 
ohanoe, however, 'twas all fancy, to suddenly da/xlinif 
was tho ttimo, so' swift were iU ■biftinge, so rapid iti 
oiroumgyratiins. 

' ' Bhe ' turned towards it, and ttretohed out her arnu 
to greet it. On it oame very slowly, and lapped her 
round with flame. "She" looked oddly like one of 
Tkhmxl's droll Bili-Babes tinted scarlet — a iketchT 
human shape wrapped round with n parchment acroll, 
tape-oinntured. like unto that inimitable artist's gmphio 
icoiruation— say. of soma liocal Government Bill, or otbat 
ooluBsal Conservative measure. 

So did "She" stAnd in tbe heart of the flaming ReTO- 

tution. I saw tbe fire run op her form ; I saw her lift 

it with both hands as thongb it were water, and poor 

it over her head. I even saw her open her month, and 

draw it enjoyiuffly down through her throat, a* thouffh 

it were tine old crusted, tawuy Tory Pi>rt of Cora«t 

Vintage. And a dread and wonderful sight it waa. 

It psralyied Liie- it enthralled me: it Mem«d eT«n to 

startle the stolid J OK, 

• • • * * 

But suddenly— more suddenly than I can dMOTib« oc 
even suggest-— save by comparing it to the tootioat ro/(* - 
face of a " Constitutional " party in face of a DFrnoersIic 
Ugly*rnahoraPorliamentory majoritv — akindof change 
cameov^r h«r visage. The smile vaniBhed, and in ita place 
there come a dry hard look ; the mnnded face seemed to 
grow piii'ihed. aa though some great anxiety wtoe leavinf 
It* impress upon her. The glorioua true-bin* ena, too, 
lust their light, and, as I thought, the form ita old ahap* 
and ancient ertctneas. 

The flaming pillar slowly twisted and thnndwred off, 
leaving " Shr~uilu>-fi!a»'tti<mt-l«-h*-oh*y*d" atandiBir 
where it hod lieen. 

"Why, whatisit— wfant uitF" she said, oonfiuedly. 
" I I'eel dazed. Surely the Are huth not played m« a 
trick. Tell mo, Leo. my British Leo, I* there aaifht 
wrong with my eyest' I see not clear." Andbortooe— 
by Heaven I— Atr fact teat grvtdng otd bt/or4 mv tyt* ! 
1 luppoae L>0 saw it alao ; eerUUily bo r«collod a step 
or two. 

"Oh.;ool.' look' f™;;/"criedJoB,in*ahrilIWMtto, 
his eyo-ilosB dropping out of his ero, the imuR rlKiditf 
leaving his Wemmiok-liko iips, ''Look! took! lo«k! 
she's shrivcUins npl she's tnmin|[ into a mnmny!" 
And then ho fell upon th* groond m a St— whether of 
remoraeful hormr or of mirth i oannot otrtainl; (ay. 

Trno enough — she utu ahrivelliaff up ; tmaUcr and 
■mallar she grew ; sb« oh«ng*d colour, changed to a dirty 





i 



MABoa 31, 18S8.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



H9 



buff, like UitD «ii old plec* of witherpil pajehmtnt, or the ftovor of a 

Vnk Qaartatlr- ^ » ^b** mora»n1« tl)«r(< B«em«d tn )>« hardly &ay- 

tUlf Ifitt of hiv, not much mure than of the little end of nothiim 

>ftar eoDsidentble whittling, of Tory objeotiona to the Cloture, sr of 

tlw Ftraitb Partr it«elf. 

Aod yot Ihink of thii— st thit very moment I thouuhl of it— it 

WM tbo tame womui 1 The womui I had loved, and deemed 

imiiiaTtal, " She-toho-iPai-icont-tn-he-ohci/fd." and irofihippi-i and 

deTontly-wrrwl, by Pour and I'ouMQt. by Pbtmu ir.d by Squint, by 

(laaiter Stutoca and by Hoard of Onajdiana, by evntir rank and 

dtgiM of Territoriak Taryiam, fmia the La«l-li«Qt«aaiit of the 

Covttrto 

« • « * * 

" Lzo, my Btitiali Lsol " the uid, in huky, trenbUnt note*, 
" FoTfct me not, lao ! — and Sollt. for^t me notl Itetnrmbrr m« 
a* / iPM — ' SM-irh»-v!at-Kifnl-lo-bt-oUpi^' ! Oh'h~k I " and 
■bo fell upon W face, ud waa itill. 



SWEET LAVENDER. 



VERY 
D»A« Mb. Pcscn, 

1 AX flooh • ainoere admirer of the vorlu of Ur. Pikeho, 
that I tnut yon will aUnr ine to make a fev rasfettione fur bia 
b«cillt<ffiroj9Mo( hia Biswpieoe at Terry's Theatre. laawitthe 
othfT eTeninir, end liked U very much, but 1 ihuuld have liked it 

bettlir bad it been aub- 
Jecrt to the all«ratiuiis I 
am about lu inilicate. 
In the tirat plauo I did 
nut muuh uaru abont 
the UUe, Stctd Latvn- 
drr—ta the name rcpre- 
senta the daughter of 
a Temple " lanndress,'' 
to the U)- mind it rather 
reoalli linen home from 
the wash. But thia it 
a matter of amall im- 
part«no», a remark 
which, however, it nn- 
happily not a]>iiliGablii 
to the jilsco m which 
Svett LaTmiler ia per- 
formed. Ur. Tkbbit ia 
ao esoelleiit in bur- 
leegue that it i» athon- 
eand ritiea bia thoatrs 
should be hypotheoated 
to any other I'law ol 
entbrtBia ment. &fr, 
Piiraio'a play, I fancy, 
would have Men more 
at home (ia blank verae) 
at the Lyceum, or, were 
the inridcnU put back 
a Mntory or »o. at lh« Vaudeville. But aaanming for the moment 
that TxKitr's Theatre in the heat pneBible house fur ita iiiti<)dMUtiun, 
I Mnnot help thinking that it would have been better bad the action 
of the piece wen laid in any spot other than the Temple. So many 
[>eoiiU nowaday a an Barriil^ n themrielvea. or have fneod* or rela- 
tivea at the Btf, that the way* cf lawyers are pretty well known. 
Kow the "Chamber* of Mr. Phenyl and Mr. BaU, No. 'i, Bram 
Court," are r««lly impowrible. What would the Benchern say were 
at«nantof the laiin' Temple to houio bis Aunt, bia Uuole, to nay 
nothinc of Ua pnttr Cousin, in hin rooms P 1 am afraid there would 
be a ttfribU taaadal, and this is onlv one of the many iDoonKruitiea 
flutaremst with on every turn of Mr. PhmyV t tXvaniJte. 

Bat aMominf that, after all. there is not muuh harm in the scene of 
ArMt Lat*tt4*i't adventures heinetaid in the Temple, 1 cannot eon- 
MUntionsly nt that I was altoRetner satisfied with liicett Larendtr 
herself. In Thi 8choi'\n>isirttt Hits Norket^ was elmply delight- 
ful, but she la a little out of her element in n patholia port. She hu 
not the vAynfve for the leotlmeutal heroiuu of dtimnlic drama, and 
wonld be wiser \o fullow m the tuutst<:pi ef ilra. Banuaori, and 
ketv to Mmuly. 13ut. ailmitliiij( that Hi» NouuKT* waa wajoonw^ 
I can Bcsrwly praise Mr. Tkeut c^uito u warmly. The Leasee ot 
Teny'e ^leeire »• mo>t nmuainf^, as I havi; alrrady hinted, in bur- 
ltaqu,biitbe)aQotqattcBoi>leB9iiift in thn partof a drunken, broken 
down, and Dbtntiiyo Birrtatar, mcnieg through thrte Acts. Nc-t 
that ho *ru mnch hie a Birriiter. Kor mitanco, hi) put nn his bauda 
orer bis scarf, and kept hia wig and i^wti in hia ChamhiTR, instead 
of at the Bebinf-room at the Law 0.iurta, and was KuOly of liko 
eoeaatrioitiaa. I admit that theM points hid their value, se they 
tail in id the fodin; of rcpugnanoe that oni^ felt fi^r him when one 
realited that be was eTidantly only burlraiiuinK a Barrister, and not 
pteteadiss to represent one. Kor all that, much as 1 admire both 




After a Oslebrtted PMure. 



Miss NoRiiKTS and Hr. Teskt, I cannot help thinkinit that, had the 
charfioters Ihey rerreaented been omitted from Sii^ft l,it<ttnd«r, the 
piece would hnve been improved hy the alleration. 

Admitting that Sieitrt T,avi"itUT should have been oat out, Mr. 
Chmtnt Jiale, her livrer, should also go. This would be a distioot 
advantage, as admirable as Mr. Bkkxaks Qucud undoubtedly it, he 
rather bored une. Next, I do not think that even Mr. Finxma wodU 
aononaly objeol. if anyone suggested to him thai the pieoewoold 
play oloBor were Iho ratlier painful inoident ci>nnoot«d with Mr. 
H'eiW^riurii's rclulii'iia with Eulh Jiolt entirely omitted. 1 ahonld 
In the last to deny that the Bituatiuu at tlie end of the 8*00nd Ant, 
whinh tuma upon these relations, is effeotive ; bat ia tlw efftotiTe- 
nesa of tiiii one aitnntion antiieient eomiwnsation fur the jnbradpetitm 
of artory that ia not altogether in the beat las^^i' loueatiDn it. 
Cut oat the RuU- Weddcr'iurn imbroglio, and naturally the dia- 
racters of Mr. Jfrddcrburtt. hia atalor, her daughter, her lover. 
Dr. Dehtn*!/. a fa*hionablp physiniaji, and Ituth Mutt herself must 

Eo : and exoellently a* those onaractAn are played, I cannot help 
olieving that the Domes^c Drama would be more eonoentrated in 
in fereat without tbem. Baviriff dispensed with theao members of the 
Ihamalii T'erxinee. I find that Mr. Afjic, a lOliciUir, nnd Mr. Kiilfffr, 
a hairdreasur, are the only characters left in the cast. They are 
both well played, but as they hare «rf iittie to do, and ere not 
essential to the rte 'instructed plot, they might be omittod without 
serious damage to the luttntrsls of tne piece. 

1 have CO doubt that my augL-estjons would oaum a radical ohange 
in the eharaoter ot StPtrl Lavemler, but this is a time of radico! 
changea, Mr. Pmao, moat prubablv, will prefer the pifcn to bo 
played a< he hai writton it. and posaibly he may lie ri^ht. AJt<ir all. 
It is only a matter of omnion. As for myself, I can only say that it 
my propoeals arc curried out in their entiroty, I feel that I oonld see 
the new pieoe every night for a year, without experieneini a sense 
of weariness. 

Once mure expressing Bf noqualified admiration for Mr. Ptxno, 
Ut.Tbrbt, and bis entire company in general, and for SiMtt LtntnAtr 
in particular, I rtmain. Tour* traly, " A HuR On," 



OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. 

I AN glad to see that Heaars. RotrnKDOB hare taken my hint, 
and have brought out a pocket Tolome ol IWwjVem Pwk^kk. It 
naoapitallraTaller'a-ooinpanion, andthare 
are some gDod illustrations by E. J. 
WaiiLXB. who, itranga to say. has not 
found material for a picture in ]%* fijron 




S/" 



rollicking of 



DiCXKira s Piakwiokian Tales. 

The Prima liontui, by SirrHKBLiXP 

Edwakdh, is amusing and intereating, but 
it must be read carefully, or many ot the 
eioellent short anecdotes msy be missed. 
What r«verBea these ftueens of Souk «»- 
pfrienoed ( Cr^'.oHi died a poor button- 
maker' Kacbtini, her rival, marrinl a 
Haesxi Ihny were ciposed to great tcmp- 
tftlions ; and, as a rule, the earliei Uueeas 
of Song seem to have yielded to tbem with a good gnuie. They 
either auUcred from the jealousy of their rich and powerful admirers 
(delicate wcffd "admirers"), or from the brutality of their own 
bus bands, 

Coutbental Society at the beginning of this century— not much 
better or worse then than now. 1 suppose — drew the line at "pro- 
fessional periona," and if they were ever admitted within the silken 
oordoo, it waa only on auUeranoo. Madame Sontao was the brillisnt 
exception among foreign artiste, and sho—Oh I happy termination to 
a virtuous career! — she married an Italian nobleman, Count Roan. 
In England a noble marriage for a Prima Dimna was not so very 
remarkable, as on the list we Had three who married" belted Garla," 
and one Duohess. But Sowrio was in every way a roru avit. The 
stories about Primi Donii. from Guisi wp to the pneent day, are of 
a Icsa sprightly charaeter than those ot Ihtir predeeesaors. Hore Mr. 
rlpTiiKKUiNR Knwiaiis found himaelf on duiioate ground. An 
anccdotist'a ranttn uiiiat be, " Ih tivcntiliut nil niti bottiim,'' tn enter 
Mlxier l.ib<;1 on the scene, and the author would bu annliitlstod by 
the publisher's carac. 

Nobody knows belter than Mr. Edwakdm what the public Mport 
to find in suoh a book, and, though he is invnriably dMHrons. he >i 
ne%-erdull. What would I/ird CnAiti,™ PKRXiiKiiin or Sir HnriT 
Tni^MFSo.v. sav to this d<.'scriptiun of the Qerman Prima iXttwM, 
M-ULi— " t^he tad aoiimpass ol throe octaves" F 

A du-'ect in the arraugenient of the material Is the absence of 
aide-headings and dates in the margin. When the aulLir brings 
oat his Liv*i nflhf Upprr Tenurt, let him lake this suggeetion in 
good part, and supply the deficiency acutely felt by his eeteemtd 
mend. Tax Biaos di Boos Woax^ 





AFRAID 



COMMiTTINO HIMSELF] 



"A\i). TO KAKK A i.nnn SroBT short. BtHBor. thi Tbaix citca to * RTA»o-irrn.i. IK tsr ml XicE or rnii, Axo mt duk 
AttKT Jahi wab jj)-«n— AcnTALLT x^rtm A'oir iiM5A''r rtr^r .« ilmar, Hiiaof I" 
' Wmji Haa. Boebham— »od sm— I— a— ! j»yr jta-oit rows Airyri" 



1IAST£R AITCHIE'S EASTER-EOO. 

" Old Tory" Party, loquitur:— 
Goon |[T«cbiiiI Wh»t'* that? Well 1 

Yoa'vc taken mf bre&th bang' awir. 
Oh, 700 bofi! You're reiiikrlubtr cUvor, 

No donbl, or no ftU of you lay ; 
And you fsrioy me wb«t yi>u call " funky," 

And «»y th«t my doubt* »re " all Tot ; " 
Bat If y<>u'ra not • uiMhievuDs mookty 

1 don't know whtt 'a whaL 

Br-r*r-rl Ton're uptet my nerres tXXa- 

rthcr 
your Jick-in-tbe'Iloz, you bad 
bojr- 
Tod miKdi juit kaook m» dova with > 
fratbtr, 
A feat 1 dar«iay yon 'd mjor. 
JV«|B Juk-ia-tb«-Boi, but bd ]?», Sir ? 

Aaioe Etaltr-Ki^K fur old UranF 
Do not try im suctli gammon. 1 beg, Sir ; 
JuBt di«p it, young man I 

Ejrff, indwd I ^\'ith that bogey ineidc it ? 

When I waa a girl egga u-irr eggs. 
But ■iacerity 'e dead, hoy* deride it. 

And boQuity '■ on itj tut log*. 
No innoocst hen ever laid it. 

That *hun. Sir : no, certainlT not ; 
And, an for thfi raacal vho made It, 

He ou{ht to be abut'. 

A nice Eaater Gift on my wod, SIrl 

It itn't at all to my tute. 
Eb V H Brmlcaa and UMf id F Abttird, Sir I 
.Oa Uia It Mwar. oaifiookeluute. 



' Ek ? A> \n% OB an Auk'a and more awful ! 
I Egg t ILubbiab, Sir, don't you tell me. 
If raasing anch borrorB is lawiul, 
It ougbt nul to bel 

What is it. tbat thing that popped oat of it f 

Or-r-rl It 'a an ogre; 'twill jTruic, 
And just gabble ui up. Xhore '■ no dou'it 

of it. 

EiicniR, hoir oould you do ao? 
Just look at its cap I UJd you dreaa it? 

What more oould younit KidioaU do ? 
Oh I I didn't, dear boy, 1 cooloH it, 

Expect this from you .' 




A TWISTER BY TRADE. 

A VRitT pmpoT example, u far as it g^t, 
waa mads of the sarago nndernamed to a 
Dotioe of 

"Tub SnocKiKo TaiATiiKVT or a Chilo.— 
Fklix Koiasliaiio, a ' eootortioniit," wu yvart- 
Jay piminiill*'] to pwl for «ii month*' hard labour 
by the UinchoatM iliprnJury for brutally ill- 
tr«atl«f a lildii boy. llir child liad b«n cotn- 
mitUd to hk dan- to bs Iciini^, atid ht vai elALird 
to bare beaUn tt WDlinually bccaiuo it TOuld Bot 
fona ila lioiba inu> curtain funni." 

It i( to be wished that Ur. Fkux Eonur- 

BBRQ had been rendered a* infelii as he 
deserved In be for his inhumanity to bia infant 
chariTB, Unfortuaat«ly, the law did not sub- 
\ect Ittm to bo DO punished a* auoh a oruel 
oontortionist " ought !■> have been ; tbat ii 
to Bity. adjudged to pracliae invrtlantary oon- 
tortiona under a aulfiaienoy of aUipes with th» 
cat. 



BOAT AHOY I 

Tkll mo not, in mournful " Ltadera," 

Onoe a week or onoe h day. 
That the reiga of Penny Sleamboata 

Has for ever pojaed away I 

Not this Spring, and not last Winter, 
Have we watched the steitmera run ; 

And upan the Wattry Highway 
Their familiar rane aeemed done. 

Hope ia Btrong I Bat grief waa stronger 
That no more — or did we dream ?— 

Up to Eew or down to Oreenwioh 
Should HO— wuld we — twiftly steam. 

But a brund-new Co. bas promised 

With lumriou* grander oraft 

To replace the out-worn cookies. 

And eolipM them ftire and aft> 

Let us, then, be np and bookinf. 

With a penny for our fare, 
Nor olii father Thames abandon. 

And hisliTcly " Sun and Air "I 

Short Sceno after the Boat S«c«. 

{Mt. Wtvjitalf. Iht UndfftaUd JelcM wJko %ntr 
ntn III ifrloui. U ahoiU to mler hit Ciat al 
Olii McJnbtr 11 sUppinj inAi <ai Aum«U|r, 
in onlfr Ui r,alfk iKi train.) 
JVaaal. [lixjiping him). 1't« jUt teen 
Uxford and Cambrldee. 

out Mtmhrr {lirUfhtoil to har* likt it*wi at 
flrit hand (0 lak* into Iht country teith Aim). 
Ah 1 Which won ? 

tragit. Whiohone? Oh— both. 

[Slit into CM. 




PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVABL— Mahch 31, 1889. 





J««i« Jc 




MASTER RITCHIE'S EASTER-EGG. 



•OiB Tom" PiBiT. "OOODUBSS 0EACI0U8I-WUAT WEXT. t WOSDERIII' 



A 




iUaaa 31, ISSS.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



163 







A SUQQESTION FOR THE FUTURE. 
Weat ovx M.F.II. y-ii rBiPAMKO to tut i* mi Saow had conTiNtKU. 




THE DRAPERS' SACRIFICE I 

Ms uul Bmwir «u a intttcift the other night in a aoxj litt«l room, 
wUoh iklU b> nuneleiB, a Qmshintr nf a harf t>ott«l of CLirio's old 
rich ShuapaD<i that two yaug Swvlla had onlf rod, on mj rMkomea- 
diishun, hut hiiil iownd too »weet (or their 
xperieuced tut«s, poor ftlUra ! whtn 
Bsowv MT» to mt.', lays he, " Eftvevou 
lurd of t^a h&wlul noosa?" " Wtiut 
nooM?"««yBl. " W<dl," i«yi he. " be 
prepued fur a rtal itaeKerer." " I tliiukt 
ai I 'm amuat prtyareutor anjrthink," nayi 
I; "but I'll lAke audthcr rIub uI thu 
dtJiihtu wine ta make sure. "-So io," 
Mfahe, "and I'll f oiler your cood xum pie." 
Witohhedid. " WpL.-'wyiho. "Unrdly 
SpHta yon to Wlwve toe, but it's quite 
trow, u the Hun(;TabI» and Wasbuiifi»>l 
Compny of Drapers is nbout to leO cS 
htHtedt of doMns of their wtiry boldest and werry beat wine by 
fcadullDII I " 1 thort as I skoixl Its' dropt out uf my heuy chair I 
"QtsTibua goudncM I " says l,"irhat on uirth nre rou a torking 
aboDtr'" And than ho took out a noosepapor ana red me the 
mmdioiu Uil. 

1 deolaic 1 wu thnt ahoekcd that I souoelr knew what I wa* 
tlxrat, for I cRijpttrd thn iintto! and rosn to IcaTo, when he said. 
"Dun'l go foralowrainnitii. for hfirci'sjuit two or three gkeseaof '4" 
Port loft in this bott(:l, which 1 rumoved for fear it ahonld get into 
lh»^m yonn^ chaps' hod*." Ho 1 yodtded to my fair and tat down- 
And then he told mn ai how ba'd bin to the Hoakfthnneers, and had 
a turk with thrir hnd man about how nMMtiiary it wn> to have 1 or 
2 wcrrj- (loTflfnl mon oa was neTi>tom«d to tnoii winta as them, to 
know haw to hundb' 'vm, and that he had engaged ii> both for that 
ewsntiui day. I was thnt tftcttd by Brown'h itromary kindri«g« 
that I dmnk his elth in a Hamper of '47, and then aort my sober 
dwcllicfr a wiier bat a sadder man. 

Nci day I g.M and I oalla at Draper*' All, witefa it's in Thrnjt 
Man«« t)tr*«u I thinke th«y calls it, close to the Stoak Xohanic*, 
wfadV I 'm toM aa all tLe taoet piuusctt and must uDr-rabltiat taru iii 
tb* boU Citr aasanbela ew«iy day, aud makes wagen at to who 



■hall do the most good, and be tho most ginerous, to the poor aod 
kncady, and then meuta oaca a month and settles tbeti aoooontawith 
one another, uud pays orer their warious ballancei, and sends a large 
part on 'em aorosi the way Lo the Lord Hare for him to dutribbute, 
knowing as tht-y dxs na he 's just the man fur tbuir money. 

Well, fortnitly, my frtnd, tbu L'nder ISoedel's Auistant, waa 
in, and jest abont baTing a nioe littel snauk for lunch, so I iiuad him. 
and over a glaes of. never mind what, we turked ovar the aeriova 
bixzinesB of the Honkshan. And wot a rewelation it wire I and faJcrw 
the Booflgnf; jester would mock at iti eolkm detales I It woiid appear 
then, that for wery many ysars poit, it has been tbo aposhal dooty 
of the most knowinactt ot the fonr tt'ardona of thn Compny, so far 
an a praotieal knollcdg^ of wines woBroniemed. t/ilay in a large atook 
of the wprry rarest and lineat that moDny ennld procure, for the naa 
of the thirsty Draperi, and »0 thoronRhly and oonioentiniuilyhaa 
thia dooty bin periormed, that not only baa mure than one Wine 
Warden fallen a Matttr in the eanred cause, hut the Giillar of the 
lordly Drapi<rs was littorally a biiiting with thr<ir glnriaus content* ! 
and they may be aaid to have jtclaimwi allirjollically, Stop itI we 
earn'l hold no more! My f tend tild me th.it fnr the !a.r»t yearorS 
thitir ttiorte to make ahuliri, so to 'peek, in thiiir winona atook waa 
most oredittable to all ooneerotd, ofnshals and all, bat in wane I 8o 
a soUem ciiixel was oalled, and stock ordered to b« taken of the 
prioelvss ci.'Qteiita of their oapayoioua oelian. It was a hendleaa 
task, but it was dull, aud in dix> time Ihe gictstia oattalog was laid 
beforit the waihuptuul Court I 

Eiperts was then caltbd in, and a oalkcrlati<<n waa made aa to how 
lung the slouk of wine woud last, supposlnjr the kunauuptica to 
euntinue aa it had bevn tor years past, and the result, after sertral 
jovial DLceUngs to make aure as there was no miatake iu so werry 
Iiimpottinl a matter, waa found to he, that Iboro was quits toufi to 
lost em anotlicr Lliirtv >'ear I 

Than came tbe moat aollumust queatiun of alL Wood the finaat of 
all Clarets, and tho noblcat of all Torta, and the loreliwt of all Shaaa- 
pones. lirat anotbor 30 years f Again waa the werry eipcitoat of 
all eiperienMd cipett* uatled in to give th>ir onbyaMed optnjon, 
and, after several more jovial banquets, aa no Hoc vine can be 
properly toatid ezcapt at B acrQinptiouB bacqoi^t, and wiUi it* pfopwr 
courses, tlio final ilecinion waa given that it wtjui cot I 

So the nesiessary aacriHce follered, aad such a aoene at 1 M«d at 



154 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEL 



[Uaros 31, 1888. 





THIS WEATHER I 

"Akd how ask wit TO-DAT, KT URIS MiBAMl " 

" Vi'iLt, DocroR, TKB Cold I cadobt tbk d*t befobk tutirdat la 

KATaKB BITTBB ; BUT TBK OHI I CAtnjBT ON MONDAT W8XK IS SVXH HO MUOB 
WORSB— ASD 1 CADORT A BRA»D NKW 0MB LAST 9IQBT ! '' 



th* HoekshuoMr'a on tlut d&; I aWI not >oon forfret SanipelB of saoh WinM 
M moat pceple ia oonteiit onf U> dream abont, hinilfed roond permisooua to k 
thiratf mob. Nu lipniag. oh no, but everybodr emptied hU gluat like t m&n, 
•o tbcre WA! no litlel he«I-tAps for tbe poor port«rB. Of ODorae Bbown and 
me, with our long ipericnce, tonic preshua good oarQ not to ipile the look of 
the wine by pouring it c-ut too cloie, bntteiily Dot, not by do meani. 

I mAaidffcd to git on good Irrms with the werrv obliging Clark who took down 
th« numni ol the buyer*, ao I knows pretty well where aum of the weiry finest 
□f the winea is gone ti, Bpeahally bum of my hown apeshal Brnnda, >o I alill 
indulgea in the fond hope trut, " sum day, sum day. mm day I «haU «m thi^m." 

I nuppone it waa the werry xciting diy m I spent on that Huikahun Day, and 
not th';! rumsifia of the werry hold lurttt-la 'if werry hold wine as afdoted me 
•0 ainiiTilally, but I wm luttcnly a werry long time getting hom6, and when 
4t length I arrived there, my reotpthun by my b«st-WIoTed wu of that 
•trange character that I Derer knew skalled. Of ooaree it was werty kind to 
loiiit on taking oO my Wellintun Itoola, wh«n I woa (|tiite prepared to aleep in 
'em, but why the ahoud ipn-at the anktnd wiah that I ihowl never attend 
■ttob % Ho«k«Diia again, I iei:Uy oorn't emadgin. Robbkt, 



Humanity and Machinery , 

Hb. LitftiTAsn CotrnTRKT, M.P., aneaking at the Annual Heeting of the 
Charity Organiaatioa rtjoiety, said, " Yoa oannot cure the ilia of Sooifty by 
pbiloDthropf." The mulm would have been more cpigrammatto, and eqnally 
truo. if he had added, "nor withont it." It ia in the combination of the nhilnn- 
tfaropio impnUe, ai motor, with aonnd organiaation, aa maohinery, that tne only 
hope lies of shaping no engine for the real " eleTation of aooiety." Philan- 
thropy withoQt knowirdgG ia as intHeotive aa ateara without a nylinder. flat 
knowledge without philanthmpir is a* inert aa the oylinder withont ateam. The 
Watt ud BrBPHxarsoir ol Sootal Machinery are torely wanted and anxiously 
awaited. 



THE COUNTY SQUIRE. 

<A Song tn tiao parti, at aang bt/ort <nid a/lrr l/u uttroditc* 
lion of tht Loail Oovtrnment Btii.) 

Aia-" Th4 Holy Friar." 

I.— BXFOKB. 

I AH a Squire of the present day. 

To tj-uarter Seationn I tako my way. 

County biisineia 1 have in my grip. 

With Peer and Parson I ait and aip,— 

Get on without me the County can t, 

When highwayi they 'd make, or money thej mnt. 

And why I 'm bo popular, that I will leU, — 

The rostioa do like to be ruled by a Swell. 
No Iiord Lieutenant they more admire 
Than a resolute raddy-facod Coouty Sqnirv. 
IT.— Anm. 

Bot what is thiaPIIa't a horribiB dream? 

Are our Tory ieadfira indeed what they aeam^F 

Th*ir atouteat aupporters why mortify 

With thia blessed big Bill, which is all my eye. 

County Conncile to handle the tin? 

The Squire and the Paraon both sack'd— tor what^un ? 

Stuff I It 'a a dirty dashed Radical wrong. 

]f it passes, my knell will be ringing, ding-dong. 
Fvr the power will cease, and the reign will expire 
01 .the reaolate, mddy-taoed County Sijuire I 



"KEATS AND HIS HAMP8TEAD HOME." 

Undee thia beading, tile Sunday Timtt — aprifchtly 
papi^r this, nowadays — publiihed n oummunteati<in, 
aigded " B. L. H,," oewaiiing the probable demolition 
ot Lawn Bank, once th? home of the Pnet Ekath. The 
owner of thf properly, it apppira, hain't yet made np 
his mind whether to pill it down, or let it. The devotee! 
ot KcATiory, "Let it — alone!" The owner of th*pru- 

Cty will probably retort to the devoteea, "Then yon 
.' it I " Sentiment ia mach ^ but aii-per-oeBtimsnt is 
more. And, on the whole, we ahould not likg b) be tha 
owner of a Dead Lion'a Den. 



CONVERSION ALL ROUND. 

A COHTBKSion the Nation'i poor ereditor rues 
Tliat ooudemua him great part of hia income Co lose. 
He muat own 'tia all fair, but in heart he renincB, 
And, hiraaelf nQt'on verted, aooounta it hard linet. 

It is much to be feared that he takes it lo ill 
As to harbour a sense the reverae of good will 
To the smiling financiera who bid him be gay, 
Having known where to put their own pell tiue aWAy. 

By Converaion the Government credit will get 
From the millioas aggrieved by the National Debt) 
In proportion, of course, to the sum ol relief 
Which they gain by so great an asaaagement of gtitf. 

But besides, there 'a another ' ' Conversion ' ' than that 
Whioh will fatten the lean at the coit oE the fat; 
For Conversion the Cabinet merit may L^hiim 
In general— Converaion ut large ia their game. 

They've converted ConaoU, Three-per-oent, not aloiw. 

But the views heretofore till in ofHoe their own, 

In political faith a. conversion indeed ; 

For converted they stand to Uu Kadici] CTMd. 

The Liberals, Ino, are converted and thrivo 

Aa Union lata, LiberAl-Conaerva/ic*, 

With JliTCHnt Gladalonian- Irish are foand. 

And to, one may say, there 's Conversioa alt roiind. 

ConMrratiTes— this is oonversion-in-ohiet,— 
Oonrerted by BRA»LAuoa I 'tis past all bnlief 1 
Now, what have Cuoservalivea left to oonaetre ? 
Thur aeata. To do thia they will strain every nerve. 



Ths Rkal "MraTBar op a Hiiiaon CAb."— Why 

it is that, despite much talk of new patasttd iBprav»- 
ments, that vehicle i> fonnd, in nine eteet Otit Of tn, 
to be atijl a " LitlU-oase" of dirt, damp, and Kvnenl 
diacomfort. Anyone who can aolve tini myatfiiy will 
doubtless " hear of sometiun< t« his advantagei" 



IkUrca 31. 18S8.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



165 




Wl',r'?^'vi«iiiffi!;(,<iteitei^ 



Houtt of Commont, Monday Night, March 19.-- Poteiight of 

OoTcnuMct in oattcn of deUil atrikinglf iIliutT«t«d to-njgbt. 
Hk** got tq>mo>t ilnpenJoaB Bill uf modern tiniDs; t^Itl^h6■ innn- 
IMnwb inumt* thiontrhont the onnntry ; Ukci tea dijn to print, 
asd ipwnda of two h.aan to d«Buribe in outline. Wnnli k tniu) oi 
UniiiMWiiMliiiM iDohM to tkke obftrgreof it. Kma-StGHAii might do, 
Imt OtMTWiw axgttei. So Hitcbie plmoed in oharge of TCbome. A 
UMUbOW nadlay of minnto niultitormily ; but Unc&n managed 
l0Btk»it pbtD. Avoided >11 fctfort kt oratoricaJ tlonriah. Oot a 
dOlRlritlht bard Job on hand, and smpplcd witb it in downright 
hotttat (uhion ninnh itpprtd&W by UimEp. GucirtoN):, nbo is 
no«n^rt ftlw»T* hleaeing tba 'iovcirnniont. otrne nut witb aniiiu*! 
femor, pubboiy patting Ritceue or the baok. Onlr frigidity of 
tha aaawn bmai on Con«ervativ« B«nch«B. 

"Maah vcma than Dilkhi's Bill," Barttelot wbifpara to 
ttewvat," vui jva know we wuold not havu that uu ac}' aooouat." 

** Tahl j«b I " muriBur«d tbe Alderman. " Oalr ous bright apot 



'oaA^ ?te.-vrw<> ij 



in Bill. UiddleMx Ma([Utratea aball ait a« Hagi>tn(«a for new 
Conntr of London." 

"Not Bore, Tanr," said OLACHrnNE, aa 1 crosKd tha Lobby whh 
bim when n.11 wunver, "that from onr point uf view waarn't dolsR 
b«tter than if I was in oflioewtth a majority of eighty. Nartrdand 
bave brought in auch thoroughly UuIk^ilI meaiure ■■ nitciili's. If 
WR had, would have waited three Heiiiona in urging it on. Now we 
go into Opposition, thpy oomo into of!ii]e, ana do our work mora 
tharonghly and more rapidly than we could." 

" Then, t^tr," I laid, you won't go bifk when tbe ftMt heart of 
tbe pwii-le "tim and oall* yon with p«Trmpl«ry voice F" 

"We thall M«, TonT, we *ball »«e," wid the Old Man Eloquent 
tneking bit paper* under Ma ann. burying his head in bia ooUar, and 
aettiait off at a paoe tbat left me far b«hind. 

&>rfr<HtKllas's Salary Pill on uuain. li&ittng brcnn a* befom. 
Old Horalitj waited till miduiglit had atruuk, thru, ai CdraTRKr 
rose to leaTe Chair, nutvvd Closure. TuiHxAi.iaudPAi[iiKLi.w>jivm 



168 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[March 31, 13S8. 



ss. ^M 




" Wone tlmn the Jockey Club ! " 



Ui thair feet nn^ KD^iiy proUiiUd tfa&t it wu too Ute. CbairniBn 
mletl Motion in ordtr, »tid CloBiiro carried on dtriiion. 

" Oh d«aT, oh dew ! " ofUd Old Uoratitr. pinning on hti »hiiwl 
and tuobing up hii tmURcn, prriiaraUiry tu gaum home through the 
IDOW. "ther» » no plmuing thuso iellowa, On Friday, Dilloii 
kvfull}' uiKtT bemnM 1 moTcd Cluiute at twenty-fivo minutta to 
twelve ; Mid it WM ton onriy. Now I wait till twelve, and Tim 
HuLT Mj-i It'i too late. HtrikB high, titikt low, nothing will 
aatufy th«lnl" 

Hiuinett donf.—Looal QoTernment Bill introduoad. 

Tur4day. ThingB goinR wrung in tho House <it Lords. Lobh 
CtuxouJUtH nartdSeoondUaadiuR of Land Transler Bill. AsbeoOD- 
fWMd, expected Noble I>urdi would 
mnthkitogo without demur. Noble 
I/irdstook olhtr vim of their duty. 
AanmniL or Wiauooa ohurged 
amazed Crovernment with lulvoca- 
ting revolutionary principles, Siut- 
LKI OF Ai-nBBT.Kr denounced Bill; 
CuFFOBD OF CarTiLiKiH adversely 
oritioitBd it. SrlniaKincK ajid 
CutxaaLL magnanioBOUiilr dMlined 
to piM* totttring QonnaMDt ; bat 
Dmuir euu to (not, ntd dealt 
itaBgaring blow. Long time tinoe 
■noli galaxy of htrrditary ability 
ahons upuD pallid occupant of 
Woolaaok. Zbtluid. Itjokia^ on, 
bog«a to think thwe were insti- 
taliuca more hupeleaily undermined 
0»on than tho Joukey Club. The 
Harktsa, with biirlei<iue of aadauity, 
hinted that the phenocoonon waa 
due to "lack of adequate informa- 
tion on the part of Noble Lords." 

But LoBO COA.N CELLO II. BUppoltlllg 

hi* oolnBinar figure agaimt Wool- 
auk, faltertngly admitted that " no 
OU had laid good word for the Dill." 
AooordiDgly, it wai read a Second 
liiM. 

Oommona had Morning Sitting. ConveniuD of Debt Bill in Com- 
mlttM. Ae, howerer, only trme of some hundred* oF milliona at 
itnu, attendance verr thin. Diaeusaion chiefly oontlned to es- 
ChuuwUora cf the Exehtqutr, and the nreeent occupant of tho 
office. Naturally, that great tioaDclal authority, Oiundolpii, cami« 
to the front. Qlahstonk having djllered from Gnsc-nF.Ti on impor- 
tant oUane of Bill, fiRASDOLPR interpOEed, and in finest judioiai 
manner differed from both. KIderly and reipeetatile tbt'y ralght be ; 
even poesesmng aorae rtjiutalion in financial world. But, really, 
approaching auhjeut from dirvnlly opposite points of view, thev were 
both tidiculouily wrong. OiuHnuu-H meationed this modestly- 
Btill there it waa. 
" It's a great pity," Csaflix mnnDorcd nnder hia breath, "that tbis 

eminent man i;. after all. 
only human. Pogeihlv he 
might manage to fultil the 
dofies of Secretary 'of State 
for War combined with 
thoae of First Lord of the 
Admiralty. But then he 
knows more about India 
than anyone else, and in 
questions of finance com- 

Sired with hia omniacienee, 
I.1D9TUNK is a folly and 
OoscHSS an irap<irtintn<je. 
Yet I'm afraid that it ts 
evan beyond Oh-i:coou>h'8 
capacity. oontroUinr the 
Army, direoting the Navy, 
carinir for India, alao to M 
oar Chancellor of the E». 
chequer I" And Chaplix 
sobbed. 

Bu4ineii (/ons.— Convor- 
sion of Debt Bill paucd 
through Committco. 

ThuriJay. — Yottlh and 
Age eame down ta House 
to-day arm-in-arm. Age 
to hear Youth swuar and see 
him tiiltp hi" scat. Age sat 
np in Peerf* Oallery— white-haired, ruddy-faopd, nicasart-eytd — 
oar aid Mea^ Jimy Maskeks, now eovonth Duke of Rutland. 




TticKsoDoke. 



Youth is Hrnky MtHKKRH, ow Marquis of Qranb^, ud Mombor 
for Mid Idiot's tern hire. ("'Sdbas CLxaite, " Markis o' Oranby," 
Dcrkine,' " said Plcsiei ; " wasn't that the name and addnii 

Sam WrlUr'i father had inserted in the marriage IiomimiF "1 Bnt 
late he was Private Sflcretary to quite another Merkiaa. Now a 
Uarkiss bimaelf — at least quit* aa much as Hastirotok. The oair 
Duke wntcbes new Mari]iiis omfnllT through oervmony. Ueara 
him cheered by ConBorvilivM, WCt him welcomed by Miniitera, 
obaerTea him bow low over Sphaeeb's outatrctohtd hand, and then 
goes bia way, trying to remember hia Colebujor — 

" Life wont a-Haying 
With Nature, Hope, and Po«iy, 
When 1 was young ! 
When I iru voung ? Ah, wuful when 1 
Ah, fcr the iiEutnge 'tvixt now and than!'' 

Still Constitution attacked by Irish, nndermined by Socialists, ham- 
pered by Grand Old Maunista, is sate. Fur there is yet a HUTLUm 
tn the Lords, and a Maitniigs in the Commons. 

Lord Jonif well away from hia old quorteta on Treasury Bench 
to-night. Never a bed of rosos To-aight partipularly prickly. 
Criminal Evidence Bill down for Second Reading. Unite inoffvnaivs 
looking measure. B«ceivo« united bletsing ol Attorney -General, 
Chauas Rusesu., and Hrnuv Jaues. After this seema nothing 
more to say, Irish thought otherwise. Have long made It a 
grievance that certain English Bills do not eiteod to Ireland. N«w 
wsep and Wail because Criminal Evidence Bill to nm tbtouah Oreftt 
Britain and Ireland. Debate began at five o'clock. At nalf-paat 
•en Old Morality pounced; moyrmtnt well meant, but par- 
^uolarly ill choaen. Puuiell juat risen, and thus promptly ahut 
up. Irish howled with rage, HASCona'r shaken with iuiUgnation. 
JoaK MoRLBV terriblv indignant. All the fat in the fire ; f tiziled 
famously. What with Divisions, crimination and recrimination ne*t 
hour and half quiokiy passed by ; twelve o'clock struck, and nert 
Order barred. 

Oddly enough next Order was stage of Bill providing aalanr fof 
KlRo-HABUAIt. Strange untoward accident that nnexpected and 
prolonged debate should have sprang np on inufiensive Bill pre- 
ceding it. 

■' Tell you what, GoiWHEjr ," said Old Momlity, wM.rily packing 
«D hia papers, " you must somehow provide jUKhki a.yoar fi>r Eisa- 
Hahmaw, and we'll give it him to go away. He 'splaying thed«oea 
with our pioepeots. Lost more time over him than on all othiN 
debates ble points put together." 

Buaineti done. — Kwa.HABtujf's SalarT Bill postponed OTtr 
another sitting. 

iViiiiy.— Bhadlauob brought on Motion for appointment of Selaot 
Committee to inquire inti Pensions ; and. what is more, carried it. 
Capital Debate, enlivened by tnterestJng speeuh from JtuvNinoB, who 
talked rabid Itudioaliim from ceatre of Conservotivo Camp. Qlajd- 
8T0NE much eioitod at diaolowjres mado. Finally turned upon 
CHiLDims, and. impressing remarks by pcrsiotently poking him in 
ribs with ont*tret«(ied finger, addressed to him unimattd speech of 
ten minutes' duration, From resigned cjtpresdoa on Childbss' 
face, report got about that Olassionb, dwelling upon enormity of 
Pension system, was explaining to Catldkiu tlut he should begin 
reform by docking hia pension as ex-Ministcr. Must begin some- 
where, you know, 

Butme*$ done. — Inquiry ordered into FenaioTU. 



RITCHIE'S DREAM. 



Oof and Magog. O RiTC&iB, RrrcTtlR, ne'er can anch thing* b*T 
Jitagog, You d make ns alavei, dependant, Ooo and Ue, 

Upon a Council and LK[Dt«aaDt's bounty I 

RitrhK. Well 

Ooj. And, OUT London ia to be " a Count; 1 " 

Ritchie. Why not? You're heard of "County Pariaf" 
Magog Olid finy. (ft I 

Magitg. (iuote SitAX«rBARt to your purpose? ' Than we know 

What line to Uke.— f rom ifrnry FItl, Act 4. 

The Conwration won't submit to yon I 

Knr will they budge, till from their place they're hnrlad. 

" No, not fot all the Rncaiu in the world." 

l&ianl4 emiuA, 

Foot Pyrotechnic*. 

"TnK young Bengal faotion." says tbu Tiniet, "haw been tryiu 
their banlest to siHiil tho valedintory ceremimiee tn (oaoMtloB ^tt 
thn depart ureot hird and Lady DofrsiUB, and have failed." Their 
"Bengal Lights," liko some other fireworks, teem to hare begun 
with a splnttw and ended in a fizzle. 

" Whnn ii"f« "f fiction bay," may it ill 
End in mere hoik Uke rA-t " Bay oTBrngaL" 



[<£?■ JKOToC-^ecMrf CHauDUfliMdoji* er Coauibationi. whether US,. PrtaWrf Matter, nrawingj. or Pidares of aay dewriptiea wUI 
«*'« wtUlM^oa""^ til''" ""'" "'"° arcempanied by a Stomped anA UAi«n«4 ^nitVu^, tisttt, « Wrappct. To Uut rule 



Atbu, 7. 1S88.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



U7 



^ 




STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. 

So. XXXL— THBOixOoinKHJEB. 

On, jt», be ia alwafs gAf. Yes, tveit viiita he U "OD ttri1c«." 
Yw, certainlj-, gap. It is his bousein. The IhjcImi eipMt it. 

To alUnd thu palruu who 
come* with his hroud laiieh and 
hi» deeji pouket is tlii^ Clondu- 
lief's ohiel ambition in lifo : to 
b« HQs* in hi* cntiva tongue :— 

"Ever gty Mid fnw, boyi, 

Tbtt ■• tiir ilj-lo for roe, bojf, 
TLnt't Ihv Mjiii tor inal " 

Ths worda ue «U«»io in tfaa 
Italian, uid roU from the 
iJM(«r'l month in i)leaii&Dt 
Umld «adeiioe. Alas, our iiru- 
ulo luuruoxH la apt to tuIkh- 
rlatt thu HFiitiment ut ItaUuu 
poetry. 

ThoVi)n«tianGondoliori»not 
only nuTry, lie it wiio ; not 
only g^y but loamtd. Hi" 
umne is Bkito, and in thu 
Kontle undalattngr navigation 
of the conali and lagooni hn 
prof en to have a oomradti. 
The rich Engliah vi»itor» prit- 
for it alio, it oofita more 
monny and ti dittingrtf, dia't 
■fva ksow — & prima fonJoltro and iV iteondo. M^rry and vise I 
Mid wlnedlr. You shall nnvor find Kkt'I-o vithont his ready 
raulo, hi* polite ffrazie! la rinefratiii .' Similarly yon shall find 
idm deeply Uoracd in OFrtain Bhakspeare plsT'. not that lie 
ksBin kBjthtiic of the liard, who ho wnn, or whit he was, but he is 
■Mftioal aa to Ui« anthomhip of Orhflln. Tht Mtrchimtof Veniie. 
H* dow not vrntnro to imply that li*cOB wrote them, as aomo ottitr 
•qnally loomed wmmfntaVra do, lint when you suKiteit to him that 
■a Eajtlishman wrot* the «t«rie« of Orhnliu and Shylock, he knows it 
iaoBeof your i'llcta. nnd he lauKhs and nines auwirdingly fur yotir 
iifirtimrrit" wlticth is the breath of yi)ur lite. At tho same time he 
kBffWH eiietly what you want to soe, you tsuKhicK InsWi, who only 
bMDCae Hiirious for a momeut over tlie wiwb of lA'idrmona or the 
Pllaoiiiuid till- Prison. Hu knows thetruciohiBtdryof Veidtmiitia, nud 
MD dwell wilh cnthoiiasm upoTi thit thwarted venj;(iance of Shylm-k. 
PolliBK np Inform a battcrL-d-loukiuK houiii! in n back canal, he will 
ntnuThia rixhl arm an if lie WL-re poaint; tor a picture and eiQlitm, 
" OrtUa, SiitcarD, Utello the great guueml, wnere ho liv«, rt/uor- 
dU*— hii statue at the door." 

"Did Iwplueit thoro binuelf F" yoa ask, for being Icglcaa, yon 
■n ne«cnanly witty. 

"No, sftcT." the smilio^ Oandolim ropliea, and thermnon yon 
•nomrage him to tell tho atory, which he does very maon on th« 
*■"''■" Sbokipcnnan lines. 

Again yo<u fir« d9 a little joke as to the anthorahip, and bo t«Us jon 
th« tragedy is rtally Venetian and tnia, written in tho histories. 

" And there, ^ignore ! " ho cxclums, before yon have time for yoUT 
next witticism. ''.n»(puari^i«nu.' £cco.' The hooae where 6ignuT« 
Camio lived." 

Ton are nnar the Bialto now, and von ask )f tbe gentleman in the 
Jswisb ftahiirdinfi goinjt nvor the hridgo, is Mr. iKVIxe, Bo dues uot 
undiirttand, but yon find yourself sudaerdy a trifle seutimi'utal ns 
yon think n£ tho Othullot, the Sh^ickt. the Portiat, tho DenUmonai 
you have known in yoiir time. The Vic, the Prinoess'B, Saddler's 
W«Ua and other happy himtinB-ifronnds of .''HAKSPEABE. fill your 
ttooghta s.Dd fi^r n little while vou make no Jokes, you rink no more 
ccnnadTiuu*. The Gay Gonoulier knows your sympVime. Uis 
■toriM of the onhappy Dtiifnona. the brav« Oihetlo oommilling 
niic)d« alwayt make his noble Eogliab patruu a tritli.- iritU. BkiTU 
!■ Jnhilant bat with suppressed forae ; in some occult wuv he may have 
hiud of Mr. Cooblin as Sh^loek. Alert intslleeltiaJl^' as well as 
pbyslMlly, Bsrpo fits himself t« y"ni humour. He begins tu hum a 
lew bars of OariiaUi'i Hymn. Ue has a Kood voice, you cncuura^s 
hi* voeal tflotta. It u evening, in faet the moon has ruon whilo you 
have been wmokinr acd dreaming. 

" Ah. SJEDCire," it rumiudi< him of his gallant padrone who diod on 
thsflela. But here, Si^norf, here ii my oomrado C*yaBM>,'h» 
ianghx, by Oiribaum's aide ; be ia ooTtred with wounds nor* fnaa 
yoo oaa wuot." 

At thia Colendrro $tHmdii, nods and smiles »nd whifpera "Ah 
por&rino.'" Bciag as Englishinaa away from home, yon are •ympa- 
ihetM towwila all satMnalities, to the Italian in partieular. Tou 
tpMk of Ute CriskM, of Iji ItB* Alliance. Pnmo and AnuMle 
bnrst out into wild praiuis of th« brave iBKleal, and an both 



sntir«jnely happy; for have they any other idea than to dImm the 

DobU' patrin : Does he sigh, they are sad unto tears ; doMM Uii(li, 
they ovetflow in song :— 

"Etbt gsy and free, bojsl" 

Do not b« tnrtirised if in the midst of your reverie, Bepm nnd lua 
SenrndD have wbnt tt'^ma to be a violnnt cinrure! with a rival crew 
who oonte suddenly upon them round a comrr without iniliiiiont 
wamini^ ; not ths.t the inoident has endangered tho safety of their 
navigation, bnt it h*>" Riven all parUes an opportunity for one of 
those frftnundiiu" dintiirbanoee, whiiib un a first einerienoc von oon- 
elnde will end iu the use of that ready dattjtt'r whioQ you feel sure is 
in the belt of every Beppo lud Oaribaldiui iu Italy, 

" What i» tho mittt»^r ? " you ai-k ncvtedly, when tho fend is at 
its height, or that there rhaJi be Di> miolake. you speak in Italian (for 
beinx Bl[(tiah you are naturally a liuguiiit] " Ch« com cV f " 

BSPPO will turn to you gay and amiiing tu remark there is nothing 
the matter, or out of puliteness to youi oboioe Itutian, be will reply. 
" A'un e'c nietttf," at the same tims returainji t« thi> fray <if worda 
with nnewcd Mat until the foe ia out ut bearmf*, tho foe doing lik»- 
wiae until BtTPO il ont of lieht. tie is ready tu lauch the Hell 
moment at your lightsstjoke. ne will oven smile upon the nuw steam- 
boat, for he knowi the gondola will last his time, ncd that HO Iligleai 
will over patronise a vessel that ii oommun to all the city : yet b» is 
free to oonfaia that they were glorious days when the palaoM wera 
oconpied with the grand nid fnmtUes, eaeh family with it* coapany 
of Oondoliara, and there were intrigues and uiasiinations and aSairs 
and grvat holidays, and eaptivna from over the seas, and Vtoiec waa 
qnmn of tho world. " Ah, Slgnorc. those days are psst, but Icglase 
they eomn to Ten^xii, they love the Orand Canal, the Palaitio Pilono, 
Rnint Maroo, Otr!!/-, Dftdemmm, «nd theybaTeWcehMitaiid much 

tu hxli'Ttmiuino ' " 

"Addio. BeppoI" 

Bin hat is in Ms hand. There la a tear In Ui eye. &«>nife watehea 
and imitates his chief. They are a picture. ItiTF'} tall, eteot, in 
blue cl'ith. vest open at the neck, embroidered saah, broad sailor-tmt> 
Secifi'lo. short, broad of uhtst, wrinkled face, CrinUOH NUh. ■ndoot* 
throat grin : but equally siueere in his regret! at fOttr oepartUK, 
(Siuaily B[ipre<.'iative of yuur drink-money, both uinUng tit the 
pol^ulo and Hsb. and c/iianli. and cigars they will eDJoy inila jm 
are peiting away homewards on the hut railway in tM staliy <»r- 
riages. luu toko heme some pleasant memurin. yon have bought 
the right to be critical about studies of Venine at the Academy and 
the Omsrenor ; and when yon eiamine your bonking acoount, yon 
find that you h^ve paid nobly for your pnrileges. 



CUB BOOKING-OFFICE. 

" 7^u Timt." Kot any "nine, bat now or never ; that is, Time 
for this month. If no one has yet pnt yon up to Time, I will do so 
now. Time waa made for slaves, by those 
who dan moke Time, and this Magn^ina — I 
forgot to ray that I am speaking of Tiiiif, 
the Magaxtne — was made for those who have 
Timn to sparo, and of such persons. Time 
being monijy, you can borrow Time, thongh 
if you buy it, Thit Timn, you will have made 
an ejcellent Time bargain, and i( you can't 
boy it, then in the meantime, get Time 
■omehow, in order to read Ur. Chsbles 
VTymmtic'a diary of bi* travels abroad, 
Bvi^paan never to have been *o muoh at 
luaw ■• when abroad, and he has returued 
itcerf, and decorous, with Uiaa Mooax the 
Merrier, to his own native land. That his notes are eatartaioinii 
you may take your little Davy— Qak&ick, of oours^-uid perhapabe 
may continue them neii Time. 

There are some vnry interesting reminiseenoes of the late Mr. Johh 
Ci-»rToR. in Thr Theiilre ,- also a p.^rtrait of him in All for Urr^ 
the play io which be most distiiigmslifd himself as a »eri'>u» actor. 

I bear there is to be a new Military moathly publioatluQ. I should 
suggeet the title of Tht l/i/dc Park Mngazine. It 's a little late in 
the year, bnt the tirst nuinber might date from the " March Past." 
There would be plenty of Hoviews, and Pictures eould be inspectod 
by distinguished Kuyal Artillery - men. The Chaplain -Ooneral's 
Charges, that is, if he"uhaTgea" like a Biahop. would find an 
appropiute phuw in tlioso miiitary oolumns. Voora, ever, 

Tai Bauov ds Book Wojuit, 




Tns Qncnr's CnaitDKRUiB. — Her Oraelosu and Imperial 
Maikstt would have prefened preMsting the Right Bob. Joaxru 
with an Indian shawl. Bat what «o«id he have dona with itl" 80 
the QtJViN made it a photo, wliioli, whatev«r He poMtnra at nagatira 
raloe originally, most now be oratidnvd aa BOt exaetly pt i et U aa, 
but well worth "' a JoBt," 



1&8 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Aran, 7, 1888. 



MR. PUNCH'S PARALLELS. No. 6. 




THE 0. 0. H.UHCHAUSEN. 

** Ha drank unwillunDDty vith in n^rmaH net to be uituSvd. but niituritUjr vnougli : tor whse t liwktd round tar mj mer, w!ukt da jron think I 
•aw P Alt tha hiiiil-qiuTlcn ot my horu wen guar, — out dflan oITI Tbe >Tiil(ir ran oul behind u fut at it rin in bgfoni, vilbout the aninul k«cping 
■ drep of it. Ho« had th)«Dameloi>u«.> I oould not aooount far it U ail."— TJtt Hnrw't Atlvrnturti, Cb. ir. 



z 



A PLEA FOB POOR "GOLDIE." 

[It in (aid liiaU phiFllf in rniiKiiusncS of ths 
female tiituon to( fealliir-trimminp, out Gold- 
fincbaa are ntiulj eilcrmiiiiiled.] 

Wffzw loToly Woman etoopa ia folly. 

And wean Liid-feutlien on her bend, 
The conteqaccoe in mdanuholy. 

Oiir-OoIdie>"neiiTlr alUredtftdt 
fie I Euw can female lioBonie hatbonr 

Snoh tTutlty, at inch a oust t' 
Poll Swftilrpipt. the gentle barlwr, 

Might MrU nitnm. a mourafnl gbnat. 
And bnimt npnuoliliiltf caoh daoKbter 

l)«g«tiantn of Mother Evk. 
Oonttnt tfl i^oh a nithleu alnngbter ? 

Punrli tindii it hard, deara. to beliere. 
Have joa not KiiArd their Dudlow whittles ? 

Dtwritd tlwir darting nd ud fcldr 
AA«ld tliam Mripiitnit aMdlnt thutlat, 

» /a (•/»«» to innoceBtly bold. 



And t&ila 90 brisk and beaks m nimble ? 

Ah, enrely anv homan »he, 
With heart leaa hard than hrr owa thimble, 

■Will aigh out, •' I^t p»or ' Gobiie ' be 1" 



HUSBANDS AND HU8BANDEV. 
(rU< ilr. JValUr Baant's ArtieU in Am April 
NamUr tjf " Lonymaa'i," tatlid " TKt £ik- 
dwnmii itflAt DaughUr,") 

Iir England Tra/ie ia doll nnd nlow. 

And E>rU are {lutlirjuli-ae, and M 
Unto the altAi men won't so 
Of Hjrmen, burning luoteiiBlr. 

Bnt Bbsjuit »m>i a rothI way 
Of mftkinit marriage briak an<l gajr, 
CommAndbg Britioh aires ia »Uf 
Uu DamOB of Celibftoy. 

lit thit KOod tlm«. u WM.TE8 B. 
EtpUins, all m&ide ahall wedded be. 



And hardened buhelon with flee 
Shall join in amorou* riTalry, 

Be tell* a* of the plight we 're in 
When g:irla who wuh tv, cannot epui, 
And huodreda madlj elrire to win 
Eitoh punt of wnU-tHiiii dtudgery. 

And SorocT atUl that Qght ahkll kIow, 
Whil* Toutht hold baok, uul ' hare BO 

Beoanie thp nuidens hare no " ifo^" — 
So muoh for modern ohinJiy I 

And raorfi and mora will nuton bold 
Thti utTir of their lundi withhold. 
Until their aweethewt* tlMf behold 
Endowed with a suf&cdcncr. 

The dabeaa dBt-iient. On. ye Siw«,— 
Whoe'er Ut »un»- in-law asmree — 
And ufo your ttu\i from IraiUeN llna 

By (OTins half jronr lalary 1 



I 



Apbil 7, 18&8.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARI. 



: 




ENCUMBERED I 

8mm (wfli arptdaiimt, to hU landlady, usho ha>i jutt linm^ht i» a Ultjrmi). "Frou mt Patvxb, Mux. Wiuim." (JEMtk) 
'ToFR AnxT Tbomphon dibd last ivKHtMa aobd Kir-mvEionT, awd is roLL pombww:* of all itnt PAOUtTits.'" 
Jfr*. FTilh'nj. "Au, Si&t I ftBHiUEiK it wab jiirt thb sahb in Mr own Family, dnlt "— (nfrwT'NZfy)— " bt Atnrr Kad 
'xiT¥ UoKTGjiais on 'sM. SibM" 



BELOW THE IIOBIZON; 

OE, CBLKSTIAL CTSICS IK COUNCIL. 

UA coDJ iinclioD d( UcrcQrj snd Veoua (Kieum<d, 
are thu ruing of the plaotU, ia tLe early morn* 
at of Widnpsdnj, Murili 2S.] 

KmiM. Well, how fftre ytra, god ol IbierM ? 
ifercvr^. Tlint old ai-'iuidBl who boUevee ? 

I'm reformed, and n fair-Jeilcr; 

You arc still the true (lieiM) Btealerl 
Venut. That's a. fad, and not a crimo. 

Whore 's the hoart that '» worth a dimo ? 

If on oftrth I pould dcaorjr it, 

I 'd not »UiU (Aa( heart,—! 'd bny it ! 
Mtre-ry. Cjnic [ 
Fmut, Whr, of oonne! I'dblmh 

If tbonght (lapahlo of g^ah. 

Cynio <Mlm i* all th? fajihion, 

E'pn in what th« wnild call* "putlon." 
MtrewT]/. Happy world ! 
Fmw. Oil, well, I rueu 

WlMt mi once term«d "h«ppuicM'' 

li a thinii too qQMr and ineuj : 

Vrm tad— what ia bell«r'-«aay 

bllwpT«««iit "form" o( Love. 
Mtirtfru. Yon had bett«r laok your dove t 
TntM. Xot at all !— tnut CytlwrM 1 

YoQ ban really no Id«a 

What an artf ol Urd it ii,~ 

Fly to " lr«. " aod op to " biz." 

Twifi ft " idant" iu haU a minate. 

SwpMt null- Itn't in it. 
itfff-rwy. Humht ZthrmfrhtmyMlf a«tnt«! 

Prsr. it Oopia alio 'cQtfl f 
Fouia. Bather I— or tlu>re 'd be u t«na 

To Uf intanst in uui lino. 



II that boy w*nt •oft or itnpid, 

Weil,— it would be, eiit Cupid 1 
Mtrrury. Bl^ts my h«art I— Imean, myKuL 

ThinM ac^eIIl tending to a goal 

Whilker evua I auaroo follow. 

Ha I and bow about Apolto ? 
Panui. Oh, he thrums the same old ttraios: 

Bat there's nohody— with brains — 

Lifitena tn hta nntiq^i^ twaneling. 

And, besidei, he'e always wraiiftlillff 

With the Yankees — (A^y aro bright l 
Mercury. What about f 
VmuM. Oh, Copyright 1 

Mereurji, And the ladles ; do th->y like 

This new ityle of thia«9, or itriice— 

Like the miners—in a body F 
Venut. Meroory, you mutt be a noddy 1 

Poa't you better know the Btxt 

A new mo'U may gall or vex ; 

But they '11 follow it with pasiioUf 

Juat because it ia the faahioa. 
Mercuru. Oh I ah I (luiteBo! Yes, I see. 

6o, whereaa it naed Ut be. 

In Life'ii Kame, that " hoarts are trnnips," 

Kearta are now 

VantM. PnetiniRtia pnmpil 

FaotI And do yoa really think 

I haTC any ciuae to shrink 

Krom your haaty eharge of itaaluiC 

Thioffs lika thaw, devoid of fetUsc 

Ai 01 Tftlu F 
Sfercury. As a Ctime, 

No I But don't yon «ast« your timeF 
Venui. Ilardly I It is rathar fun I 

But, 1 tliiltk I See the ISuu. 

MtTCttr)/, W«U, before wo matt ■ffaio, 



I mnst. as the Pa« say, " tnun " 
For thii reign of the nhHup Timon : 
Now I feel a Simple Simon. 
Vetnu. Ton ar* oat of it, indeed ! 
Well, yon 've only got to read 
Qoimip in whinh JKHmre EtOTels, 
And the beat Society nOTMs; 
Then you'll learn my modern fonot ion. 
Xa-ta I till our next Conjanction I 



FAEEWELL, OLD FRIEND ! 
LiBT week died Mr. TnoM*i Gxkman Rbsd, 
who, with hii clever wile, oriitiiiated the 
oalebntted Entertainment wnieh for ever wa 
U*ny years tilled the Gallery of iliuatration 
in teK^nt Street. With »portin(t tniAm that 
wdiilii hftvr? quiliiiBd him fiir a TMly Sifmhrr 
'A private life, and with a knowledge of sail- 
ing n yacht that would have entitled him to 
the decree of Past Master of any small eraft, 
he passed the (greater part of bis existence in 
what was to all intents and purposes aTheatre, 
appearinf sovetal times in the coarse ol an 
eveuiQK aa BOnebody else, but invariably 
twinit found out aa thu genuine Orrmax 
Keeo. and u himself "Pa' Heed" was 
really amuiinn. Mr. Punr\ haa a kindly 
rtuulieotiun ul the " Old QallerT Daya," and 
(lodiualcs (hia " par" to tho pleuant memory 
of "Pa'KKEi.." 



Oeorot Jona'tLAZBf.— "Tm : fiveahit- 
linits per dozen tn thlMMiW. ul saperior 
bottled wioM, utd Sod gmv omtu," 



160 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Apjul 7, 188S. 



188S. ^ 



SEEINa ROBERTS." 

Thk other nifht I witnessed Ihe IS.ith perfomnnoa of The Old 

OuarJ at the Avenue Theatre. Where would The Old Ouard be 

withoat Mr. ksTBtra RosDin? Nowhere. Certainly not at the 

Avenue Theatre. 

Mr. JosKFii Tu>LKr li ^ pleaiinc tenor, sod hat ts mnoh aoting 

in him, fts, in 
- ?<-■ ;i _\ ^ the ordinkrj' 

way of bufli- 
neu, oui be 
got oDt of a 
tenor; and, 
when he htu 
some thin^ 
worthy of hii 
voioe, I may 
aay to him, 
"You will un- 
do ubt edly 
make your 
Hark, Tap. 
LBTl" At 
present 
there is not 
much f r 
JosEi'H. Mr. 
AJ.KU Massh 
ii a fine fellow, 
and a vigorous 
buitone, and 
the C'lf'ifuiVi* 
■uita his m»r- 
■hal bearing. 
Miss Ma BIOS 




Ovnwal Arthur UoberU esmltig to the eupporC at llie 
OldQuud. 



^^^ Edocttmsb has a pretty faue and apretty mezto voioB, which should 
I bo her fortune. Hiis Fjisny WKRiivuBTa ii a lively soprano. 

I Miu HKN&iifiTiiPoLsK, alluded to liy Sihkbpzaiie as the "eledded 

I Polak " — maieB an uacunimMily >iiriirhtly Bugler — a »urt of 

^^- Cberubino in French unifum- Hiss CI.A.BA Gkahame only fails 
^H of oomplet«ly identilying heraelf with the remarkably trying part 
^B of Littitenant Vigortux, out of pure comideratiun for the pablie, 
p who. it evidently ooonn to her, would be aorry to lo>e sight entirely 

of Miss Claka Okahaub. 

It is A question whether Mr. J. T. DiLLAa would not be more at 
home in serious Op«rn, than in these light French frivolities, which 
offer bat little sotipe t« the mignilieent quality of his voice, seldom 
heard, but always thorooghlv appreciated, or to hta remarkable 
histrionio abilities, which would reoall the davs of Oarbick, Iauu, 
and the elder Kbah— that is, if aoycne wished to recall them. 

Kiually, the olever young lady, whom, lor the nonce, 1 will call 
iFCOftNiTA, aa her name was not in thii playbill [a rare instance of 
self- efface me ut, siting- that she repreaentid Hisa Pn-LL-9 Bb-uht-« 
in the part of Futk-w-the-Dmm), played and danoed— she may 
have aung, too, but, if so. h^r vnice escaped me— capitally, and was 
of uonaiderablc ageiBtAuae to the Oi.ueral, Asthdb Robebts, to whom, 
after allaaid aiiJ auuK, I mn^t return, beonuae, deBjiite thia brilliant 
entrmble, tlie audience lannuiohed when their favourite — the "drwll 
creature." as the ladies call him— is not on the Bt^ge. He certainly is 
wonderful. I confess 1 laugh direutlv he is "beard without; I 
laugh when he winks : I lau^h mure when he apeaks, and, no matter 
what is goin^ on upon the stage— and 1 am bound lo say I don't 
think there is at any time any thrilliugly interesting action in Tht 
OUI Giiiiril—tiic oudieaoe. on tho grin, follow the eooentrio oomedian 
with their eyes everj'where, so as not t» bse whatever he may take 
it into his head to do next. 

Like the Oid Woman who " had so many ohilJron. she didn't 
know what to do," Mr. Abtkdb IIorbbts, whose children are !iis 

Snaint ideas, "can never be quiet." He is never in re|Hwis: 
Iways wide nwako and up t« the time of day. Tet, for all this, his 
fua it diatinotly quiet, so qniet (indeed, that I fancy the Soprmo or 
Contnltii ■IT whoever miffht hav* been singins her oolo on Iho atofe, 
did not at first notice her companion's unohtni«ivc fausinesa, of •ewing' 
fur tiample— [inimitable I] — and. a hundrfd and sixty nights oftu, 
miui have been oonslderably gratified at the flattenog reception 
Moordod to her maf. Ott nuB OOOUions Mr. Kodkbts pleasantly 
romiiuU mA of the Cooto OemAnAn who pretended to oatoh a 
ity While itn. Crummttt ma mMant ber most telling effect. 

To Hoe Mr. Abthttb Roberts pretend t> bruah th* crushed Mr. 
DALLAB'shairby maohiuBry, to see him pretend to sew with invisible 
Umad and needle, tu see him Btrui;i{ling with a aneeze, to se« him 
imitating the eattunier at the j ug department of a lar^ bar, initnut- 
ing the mnid in drawing beer, and tlieu giving hi4 life-like prMtOt- 
nivnt of a. Ruprriur 'Aii£V on familiar turma with the bai-maid — to 
sea him reading a Utter, taking part in a concerted pieoo and 




pretending (he is always "pertending" like ohildren at pity) to 
sing hia part out of a folio of the CwU ynpflhm, which he KTardy 
offers to the tenor as if it oontained the wilrds and musio of an 
Oratorio, ^to »ee him doing all this, and ever so much mure which I 
have forgotten, ia e<> irresiatibly uomio, thftt the houw eriev with 
laoghter, and no one oares whether it be the Old Guard, or the 
Toang Guard, or Sinaing Guards, iir Hoarse Guards, White Guards, 
or The Other Guards, so loni; as Abthcr Rorert!! is not absent 
from the sta«e for more than Hve minutes. In a funny duet, where 
there ia juat a chance for the otherwiae partially but nnavoidably 
suppressed Dallas, Abtbcb Rodkbis shows how he can fence. And 
□f this art be certainly should be a master, as the Avenue Theatre 
provides him not with a single sttok, but with an entire set of moet 
brilliant foils. Jack d> thz Box. 

P.S, — I cannot offer any opinion on the nierit* of the mosio, as, 
the theatre bfing crowded, I could only find a seat on the windy 
side of the orcheatra close to the big dmm, triangtee, and uymbala, 
for which eoothing instruments, as it seemed to mo, M. PLAiitjurrrB 
baa composed wiui so free band, that f vras comjielted to beat a 
retreat at the end of tho Second Act, and of ooiirae I subseqaentJy 
heard that General Aatbub is at his funniest in the Third. 



VOCES POPULI. 



Scsin— /nfRTbiif of Third Clait Smnking CompartmmU. Fint 
Passenger, apprtrently^ a imall Suburban Tradntman, ef fM 
and fomfortahlt habit, italtd hy wind'na. Tn him tt^Uri a 
leedu hut burltf Stranger, hi a ttate of miiity aff'abtlils/, teitk an 
unatr-iuggeittun iif qHarreUumtntii. 

Thf Sirangrr (Iteming fonvard myitfTi-ntity]. Yer saw that 
gentleman I was a' t-rrkin' toas I got ini* liid yerkoow 'ou he teat f 

FirtC Paaienger [itrithout hiiuCfur, btit aith Iht air of a Person 
vhi> lull a Cfrtain valaa vn hit ei/nreriiiiian}. Well, be didn't look 
much like the Arohbishop of Cahtebbubt. 

The S. He's a better man than '1171.' That was BKAsnSR, the 
middling weight I he giv me the orfioo straight about KiLLirAN and 
SMirroK, Ac did I 

Firtt P. linierisUd'afa hoer tff the Nohk Art qf Self D*f met). 
Ah I did he, though ? 

Thf S. He did: I went np to him, and I se2, " Biense me," I 
sez, like that, 1 sex, "but are you an American, or a German f" 

First P. {icith tuperiority]. He WDOldn't like that— being taken 
fur a German. 

The S. [siilcmnly). Those Were my very words I And he s*z, 
" No. I'm a Yank," and then I knno '00 was, d "ye see f and so 
[hazily) one word brought up another, and we got a torkin'. If I 
was to leli yon I 'd teen ELLUVAif , 1 should be tellin' yer a lie I 

Fir$t P. Well, I won't aak you to do that. 

The 8. {firmly]. Nor I wouldn't. Bnt yon've on'r to look at 
fiMiTTOlt to see e's never 'ad a smack on the 'ed. Now. there's 
ScLTOH— 'e 's a good man, 'e is— 'e is a good man I Look ow that 
feller knocks 'Issetf about I But if I was t-i pass my opinion, it 'ud 
be this- EiLLivsN 'e m it for aoienoe, he ain't in it to take anything ; 
yon may take that from me 1 

First P. {objeetinfi lo be treated at an jogflia). It's not the first 
time I 've heard of it, by a long war. 

Thf S. Ah I and it "s the truth, the Bible tmth {puHing hit hand 
on First P.'s knw). Now. you b'leeve what I 'm a'goin' to tell yerf 

FiritP, {hit dignity a tittle rit^d). IwiU— if it'sanything in reason. 

2'Ae S. It 's thia : My opinion of Killivai* and Sflto-i 'm this— 
SlTLTOic brovght Killivam out. I'm on'jr tellia' yer from 'earsay, 
like ; bnt I knout this myself— one lived in 'O«ton, and the other 
down Bermondsey way. 'E's got a'.cioe little butohtr's bonnets 
there at this preient moment : and 'c 's a mug if 'e turns it up I 

^I'rsl P. {axvimaticaily). Every man's a mug who turns a good 
business up. 

Tht 8. Tor rijf ht 1 And lirutraliting) it «n't all 'oney with tiiat 
sort 0' people, neither, 1 can tell yer ! 1 detaay, now, whenall 's put 
to the test, yon 're not a moneyed man — no more than I am myaeuF 

Fint P. Inot alt'igelher /tnUered). Well— that "s aa may bo. 

The S. But I b'leevo yer to be a man o' the world, altboogb I 
don't know yer. 

Fine P. (moiteitly). T used to be in it at one time. 

The S. (.eonfUteniiattv). 1 'm in it noit. I don't get my Uvin' by 
it. though, mind yer. I m a meohanio, I &m— to a oertain Mttvnt. 
I've been in America. Thereat a oonntry now— they dOB't 0*M-t*x 
like they do 'erel 

Fint P. [symyaihetically). There yoa;'ars tOMbed t DOlnt-Wl'M 

taxed past oil oomnon sense. Why, this rery tobMW I'M lOkLii 
now is charged 

The S. Xatkin' of terbaocsr, I don't mind '*<ring n pipe eJoogt with 
yer myself. 

Pint P. [handing hit pouch uilh a happy mixlun ^f eordiaiity 
and cortdeic*ntion,) There yon are, tlwiu 




I 



Aria 7, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



The S. {a^Uiltd hy «iuiilm a^mpunetinn ai ht filU hit pipe.) I 
'ope I 'm not t*ltio' a libhaty in Mkin' ynr f 

Firti P. Lihertyf ruhbuhl I'm not ono to make distiaotioni 
wlun I KO. t '4 M loon Ulk to oao mtn u I would aoother— 
yon 'n Mtttog jam coat flight. 

7%# S. I MC fin to myMll oooe, and 1 never live tn 'opea of daiofc 
■ouonl It'i afoony thiof with me, 1 o&d «moke Boigur just as 
VtllM I oould • short pipe. I'm nulorerof aoi^Ar.if yon andsr- 
■taad ma ; but I o>a go mta oomuuT wh^re they ar«, d've *te t 

i%-(f />. UhorUy) J ■»«. 

7^ & (K*thfrr*h mumitMn.) Yoo'U exeoM aw il 1 'to Ukcn & 
UbbarwOhTKP 

Kr«( i». [imCA o »ti(*/y oir.) W« *etUed all that just HOW. 

n* & infttr a icTultny.) I tall jrer what my idear of yov la — 
that Toa're a STo^.' 

i^rrif /'. (AWfiJBiMy {Ail dit^iMfMN it iiUft HiuiuiVy.) It'o, DO — 
thne'i nothjag ol Ui» tcjf abont mt ! 

rht S. {drfl^dfy.) Wall, joa 'r« a ftntUman, asrwar ? 

i1ri( A {aphoriiiie, but uitwrn/i^tkM*.) Wo (an all of tu be that, 
BO loD^ aa w« Dcharn onriwlTna. 

The S. {mueK pUiHd f>y thit tmtimtnl.) Kucht agen 1 give xu jm 
'and~if it 'a not tokin' a libbatr. 1 'm one ol them a* can't bear 
to taka a libbaty with no matter 'oo. Yet know tt '» a roal nleiunre 
to Be to be Mttin' 'era torkin' oomfurtably to yoa, witnant no 
Owmitht of cither of ne falltn' oat. There 'b iome people a* wouldn't 
foel 'appr, not without they «u 'avine a row. Now yon and me 
ain't 'iY< that I 

Pint P. ithiftmg about.) Quit* »— quit* eo, of oourte 1 

T\» S. Xol hnt what if it wa« to oume to a row b«twMn oi, I 
eonld take my y*tt\ 

Ftfit P. [teubing there tea* aomebody tUe in tht eompart'nfnt.') 
t-I hope we '11 keep off that. 

Th»S.<,i'voutty.)^Aal\ /'opg we'll keep oHo* that. Batver 
narar kunr wbst nuy hrinR it on— and there it is, d'ye eee ! Yoa 
Ud BM nlgkt fall out witliout ititendinit it. 1 've bin a bit of a 
bcotar In MJ day- I'" 7°" doubt sy word !'— if io, lay it to my faoe ! 

Flint P. I 've no wt»h to offend voa. 1 'm inrp. 

Tht 8. I never takn a lio otniicot from any man, and Uiere rou 
'ave iDH in a word ! If yoa'r«6na(onarow, you'll find ma a glut* 
ton. that's all 1 can tall voal 

FiTti P. {gyring himulf up f«r lo»t). But I 'm not bent on a row 
— qa— quite oth*rwi»c 1 

The S. Yon shonld ba' eajd »o afore, beoauM. when my back'* 
onoepatx]!, I'm— 'alio! we 're itOTipinir, I (t«t oat 'ere. don't IP 

PSrtt P. ^fofFritf), Te»— maka baste, they don't atay Iodk any- 
where on thi> tme I 

Tht S. icomnUuly mollijteil). Then I'll aay (tood-bye to yer. 
{Tm^trlg.) P'raps we may meet aRen, eome day. 

Pir»l P. W«— we'll hope §o— nood day to you, wi>L you luok I 

n* 8. UoUniUy). Iy)rd fore yerl U'liuiinyZiit doifr.) I 'ops yon 

don't think mn the man to fall out with nobody. I ntrtr fall out- — 

[FnUf ntit intt Iht artn» <if n PorUr, vihom h« pummelt as'tha 

traiH mam on, and .First PuBrOKer uttlt* into a comer 

vUh a liyb oj relirf. 

DIARY OF A PESSIMIST. 

Dowir to hrtakfaat. Tm and dry toast Couldn't manatre etir. 
Afraid of indigwHos. 

Leaked over tho mominic papers, fiead Ihrongh the " Deaths." 
SUpfwd " Bittha" and "Marnngea." Never care to read them. 
Only wast to know wh.7 'a dead, and what '« to pay, whioh I may be 
the wurBo for. Ko hopo of a jogncy. 

Nvaewa. That i« good nnws, Glnnowl dwr the debali'* with fear 
and trcnhlic^, in dread of the prcpossl ol some now tai or privation 
of Uberty and prDpnrty. Police K^purln uninteroiitiufr. AucidentH 
■ad ottaneaa ditto. Had snmeneH, dulneii, and want of originality 
in TVfcberJM, eaioid^s, and mnrders. 

BaU. WhafathttF Rat«e and-laies, X eipeot. No. Anothi^r 
CSrcnlar. Hal Prospeotna of the Huitgery-UugiteryOald UiiiicK 
Oonpany. Tiap to catch an inv«stid«at. Olad it '• prepaid. Hate 
all Obealar*. 

Ontforaematitiitioiud. Obatraotioo. Crowdof peopleinthnwnv. 
Horea down, I ■moML«'a«DMbodr iaalit. 0«t« it a wiiie benb. 
Ko biuiaiNs of BUU, Bat* bi^ hoitled, and perbapi implicated 
aonahow or ottiar. 

Irritated by the flamine pictorial advertiMment*. aapeoUlly the 
thaatrioalnonpainattitudMOf b:«ni omotion. D«to*t tennational 
dramaa. llwy all end happily, that ia, in marriage, of whioh 
axpariaOM in real life orovea the rvrone. 

Hoaa (o dinner. Ko appetite. Daan reoommended QnLIiver'e 
THaair Pilla. Bhall raeomBand them to aomebody eL*e: shan't 
take 'an myaelf. 

Bell and Dioek. Shall hara kaooker removed. Thia time, tele- 
ItTSB. fiooaabody dead, 1 nippMe, to my ezpenaa or trotible. Rot 



qoite BO bad. Invitation to an evening party, which 1 shall hati- to 
awwcir, and oi cmrse decline, I 'm not an ev^ninf party. 

AiMr dinner amii'ke a pipe, and meditate pr««antionB to avert 
the troubles and miafortitues whioh I antinipat*. and so up tn bod 
aftar a dose of morphia witb a view to gut a Utile sleep in spite of 
then, if 1 





ROBERT AT THE BOAT-RACE. 
Thb wether wo* aot werry attcmptini for a water icnrshnn, bnt 
t&a hoStf of a oataide seat on a Sttam Boat with ploaty of rufreah- 
menta and nothink to pav, waa too 
(rrata for ma to rosiat, «p«ta!ly on a 
fiattsnUy, which is alWi ■ ilaok day 
with ns. The OW grate drawbaiJc was 
the hnrly hoar. I hatea with a dedly 
hatrvd hnrly ridngl Aa late aa yoa 
likea at nite, and ai late aa yoa lucM 
in the morning, bnt 

" Hurly to bed and huily to Km, 

If 1 laid ai I Uknd, I ihood UU gmt Uca t '■ 

■s tib Poet says, or il be dtdat like 
toaayio, I'veoodowt hetkoaghtao. 

I waa tidd to be aboard by 9 aharp, 
and ao I waa, punkahal to the minuet, 
and ae wccr ehup est that dreokly a* 
we atatadlroa the Lirytrs Pacr at 
the TcMpla, aw and toy pal we dfr- 
Boended qnit* Dstral like into tha 
Oabbia, whioh, b«in^ jeat a leetie bit 
anOWged, my frond, who in a Littery man. like mraelf. lald as we 
waa not onlv Cabbin'd, bnt] (^ibbtd and tbniintd, I dua'l at all 
know what ne meant, but nn ho laid it no Um than throe timea, I 
pereumps as it 'e a wery good jokn, tb) I d^m't »eo it. 

Till' Bri^kftis was that scriimpiihaa, that, if it hadn't bin for the 
neseiBity of sceini; the Bote lUco, I think as we ahood have stopt 
down there till Lunoh-time, and so hnve kept a good plaoe, but 
oommoD desenvy took lis on deok, and nnoommoit knrioiilr kop u* 
there. We woi jeat in timo to sqnoogn through Putney Brirtgo afore 
it was atnpt up. by border of tiio Tenw Conaerwftti tmi, I was told, 
wit«h 1 dctiny was cjuite rii-ht, tor it ewerybody had been left to do 
as thnv liked, thnro wouldn't have been mneh room for the nwa. I 
bega thus piibliokiy to thank 'em for so thortfully bavlDJt tte Bridg* 
wa«h«d and pultshod. It rcolly made it lix>k amost M fOOd •■ WV. 

Tbo It-iTor wasn't n bitmlT, w) I ditln'tCut^l my uthalioO(mwailiaU«i 
bat ray frnnd, who 'e a old aojlur, made me take jeat S Hip Of wUaky, 
a* ho called it, so as to make sure, and then took van htMOlf, jeat tO 
kindly kepp me ciimnny. 

Wti had a bootifool site of the grate Race, at least wa ahood have 
had one ii it hadn't bin for the Fug, whioh shut all tha boats ont tA 
aite till they woa oloio hnp to as, but we seed eunff of '«m to aeo bow 
wonderfoolly British plnok can ocat meer Sienue. I BOtlDcJr expeea 
to be bcleeved wbdn 1 nays that ttie two little Botea with OlUf ADOOt 
nine young gentlemen in wita close a pulliug ot each un 'em. aoshallr 
beat the four big Steam Boata as tried in wane to owertake 'en, and 
wuu In a uanter, aa my frend teld me, with both hacdi ditwn. 

Uniukly aa the Race waa over, me and my frend found onrsflvta, 
promlskua aa It were, in the little Ca^jin ageu, and there was lado 
out, aa it by inehamtment, sltoh a moddal LwtBttaa aa I bavo loldnm 
seen xcelled, and. a* common Mrlitanaae dicktated, wc at wnnoo sat 
to work agvn witn tnwigorat«a hamnrtitea, thanks to the icitemont 
of the great RsM and the fine NorUi-Kattar tfwt t«ttltd ao manilf 
among our bowlines, as my friend eaid. 

I don't kuo when 1 've tast«d a finer peace of Sammon, nor a 
lovolior Pidgen Pio, with roel Pidgens in it too, nor a tenderer com- 
binashun of ohiukina and Tung. The Stnard kept a looking at us 
with mingled anrurizB and hadfflirashun, and I 've no dnwt r*ported 
of uB moat iavurable to bin imployers, a« having dun full justioe to 
hti witteU and his drink. Wen we assended on Desk agane. the 
Uuwies of Parlyment waa a standing tip boldlv in the brlt« sonlite, 
in the n«u dittanuu, looking as if ewcrj'thiDK WM always as carm 
and a* poaccfool within ilb it Btilt«uly l:'^k>^d witbont, and, as the 
Poet singi, " We ntood on tLo Bridgu (W«lmiu»l*r) bv midday, aa 
the Cloflk waa striking the onr," (oi IweItc). and the Inst thort as 
stmck me after my frond had left me wai, what a deal oan be dun 
ia n short lime if yon ony nose liow to do it. 

Hsrc hsd 1 bin and had a most sommpahiia Brekftut with amoat 
cwcry dollirassy of thn noaacn, hnJ B«n tb* worry llncit Bjle Raw 
as ever was run, in which Hritiah i'lU'ik liukwi Br.tish Scionon into a 
Cooked At, and had thrn had a noble Luashoc, a* indndod all the 
other deliciaosys ai had noiseiiaryly bin left ont at Bmkfait, and 
thoroiy injoved all throci, and all in the ooaraa of three short ours! 

The moral as T draw* from thn grata raoeia, that as UaKLBriitow 
said aa how thn Battel of Wart«rloo was won at Hctun, bo t tays as 
the Battel of Trafalgar was won at Bamaa I Rohkht. 



1 



w. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. 

"TaiB la TOUE MomBR'a PoETiiitr, m» irrrtR Mis. Do yoit think it trust " " Yis— tebt— all ihtt -na Face I" 



SIR ROGER DE COTERLEY ON THE SITUATION. 

CommvnicaUd fry the Shade qfCht "Spet'.atar." 

_ [" Whim Ihe wiUhlliiliniPiil of Counljr BoariU ha* roJimod the udminittrB- 
tirc powor of tlir? Jiiiticci to ztio, the nntripnt glory of Qurtor ScHLoni wLU 
b« gonn, anil one af Ihn mum ivaion* of Urn Bjiplii^itlaiia now moJii Co the 
Lord Lif<iiU<iiiTit of Iliff County f'it thii CoTaniiuloD of tlio PuHOe viH hv 
found Co hnxe diuppoarpd. . > ^ . Whon Un^Btratra ceavi to manago tho 
btulDai of thcli bcuntf, thuT will c«iiie tiai' Co nurv for iti iitliiiiiil hououra." 
E«C«TT's England (Ed. IMl), Ch, it. p, 47.] 
"ff«<M«nUii,<( rielHmfruitra continrleri Thj/rim." 

ViBDIL, llUlMt. EdI. TiL Vi. 

"The whole dvbate In m^morf I »t>in. 
When Thytiis njund wnnnly, but In run." 

Ta rvritit — M nar great l^rRmatiit eipreueth it — " fhe glimpMR 
of tha moon," is a privilege which, thonffh it hath ita pleasures, yet 
utnndl; is attendMl at tinea bf a G«rtsJD drawbaok of f piritoat 
pain at nnce poigiutDt and jiathetio. 

<)1 all the anciect hatiDta whioh I lovei whan p«mitt«d, to retora 
to, the dearest to me is that longr walk of acoieot elms, at a little 
distanoe from nhat was onoe Sii Kooeb'b huusc', amoag the irfill 
■landing mins of an old ab)i«y. and amiiiit whose lifty tops the 
rooks and crows of ftnoth*r g^dtratiim etill, ai of old, ''seem to be 
oawicg in auotbgr region." It stilt lies— and now, tieihaps, it most 
b« •Ucnved with gTeat«i ihow of Teasua— nader the ill report uf being 
hmntod. 

I WU taking a walk— the natural langnaije of embodied humanity 
■101 eomes siHiQtaneuusly to ahadowy li|«— -in this place, the [other 
^rilti betwepu Iho hours of nine and ten, and could not bnt oRree 
imh my old and lleahy self of the dear duj-s of the— aiaa ! — departed 
Q n un AiTKE, that it was one of the most proper aoenes in thn world 
nr k gbost to appear in. The walk of elms, with the oroaking of the 
imrens which from time to time are heard from the t<nis of them, 
lookl nceedinrly solemn and venerable. Oco miffht almoat fancy 
thkt, like their hunian analngnes and connterparts, thi^y were croak iog 
laonrnfnlly at the prospti't of the destruction and disappearance of 
things more vi'nerahle i-ven than themsolvos, and at least as solemn. 

.As I was walking in this sohtude, 1 became aware of the fact that 



it wai a Bolitade no longrer. The sbide of mjr friend, Bir Roota dr 
CovBaLKT, was at my aide, making his proximity known by n. low 
■igh, soft as the riiBtliug of spriUK leaves, lad as the suaroeljr aadible 
Toice of the eentle night-wind which stirs them. 

The good old Sni^ht was muaing u{)un the sama sabjeot th&t kt 
the moment absorbed my own meditaliuns. 

" Tou once proposed, Mr. SpamioB," aald he, " that the honest 
men of all parties shoald enter into a kind of BMooiatioa for the 
defence of one another, and the confuaton of their common enemies. 
Of late, sensible men and sober oitizens of all parties have beoa 
rejoicing that your scheme seemed nearer than ever before in proa- 
peot <>i realisation. And with what resnltf 

I understood the drift of the wcrthv Knight's thoughts, ftnd the 
point of his piteous qaestioB, "You have been perusing, eadd I, 
with respectful sympathy, "the ingecioas Mr. liiTcnni'B new- 
fangled scheme of Count; Admiiustratton u eet forth in hia Local 
tiuvernmcQl biUl"' 

"Indeed, yes," sighed Sir RoiKB. "And what is it— to adept 
yonrownwjmparisou borrowed from Diodobub Sicolcs- but aiMli- 
tioal cruoxiile-egg, the egg of lUvoluIian? Would," he added 
bitterly, "that some parliamentary ichneumon ooold b« found to 
break it, ere it be hattihed into the horrid and edacious monater 
which it bids fair to bring forth ! " 

" If we tuok into thn behaviour of ordinary partiaans," I replied, 
in tho same tone, "we shall tiod them now, m in our time, far from 
resembling; this disinterested animal." 

" Disinttnested ! '' cried tlie Kuight. indignantly, " Dialnterestvd- 
ness is as dead as her i&asi Graoioua Majeaty Uueen Ankk herself." 

I observed of old that I found the Kuiglit a much stronger Tory 
in the country than in the town. I find bjm a muuh struiigBr Tory 
in the Shades than efven in the uountry. 

"Sir Andbkw FuKsroRT," pursued Sir EoaEe, "would doubt- 
leu welcome this ourious birth of an insincere Coalition. He wm 
ever mora inclined to the moneyed than to the landed intcMat. I 
know. Mr. Si'ECTiTOu. that you ore a wary man, and do not «wq 
t^ talk of pnbho matters, fiut duth nut tJui monitroua mewMO 
to the establiehcd repnt* and time-honuurtd inllutnceof tbo Uonntiy 
Gentleman move even you to iadipnint revolt f " 

1 was ever more dcsirinu to soothe than to ticit«, to oompoae puty 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— April 7, 1888. 




ft 



IS LIFE WORTH LIVING?" 



Mm. B.(r»aJ* Doctor'! Jirtctiofu)."^R\ WHAT '8 THIS P IKTERFKllF, WITH MY EIDIKa I-RBDCCB MY 
THREE PER CEKTS I t-CXri DOWN MY CHAMP AO>'S 1 1 1 'PON MY WORD 1 1 M " 



Aiin. 7, 1688.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



■ 



•nd ^lemio diffcrenow, than to «g8riiviite them. There are Bome 
opinioni in which n man shouU atiind neuter, without enKUfing his 
uaent to one »ile or the other. Snnh a hoverinp faith u this, whioh 
refutei to Kottle npoQ tuif dit^rminMinn, is ahsolntel; necessftry in a 
mind that 19 curciiil tu avoid «rror* and prepnait^asiong. It is with 
thia temper of mind, that 1 ODoirlt^r the suhjeot which bo aroiued taj 
friend Sir ItiwiKii's not UQnaturaJ wrath. 

" I iwnember," aiiid I, " !i»l«aiug to the iirooMdiiiBs of the County 
BcMiona vith moch attentirm, acd heini; in&Qit«ly ploiMd with tb&t 
gTMt appeaiuiM and Bulemnity which nu pri'perlf aoouuipamet tuoh 
A pnhltc aiiminiatratioTi at out laws." 

^' And all that." cried thu worthy Km|tht.liotlr, " all that U to be 
cli4DMd, ■ubvcrlicj, rcvutiiUomsed. without reason, and. aa the 
St. Jamtt'i (lazitte — an adtnirnble journal, Sir, quito alter my own 
hMrtI — rightly aoierts, without neoegeitr, and in the abaolut« 
ilXMWO oj any call from the Country. Prepoatennu ! Infamouil 
UlKMeedentedly, wantonly frratuitona ! " 

If I miitake not. Sit liouKu," 1 pnrsned, in the lame aoncilia* 
\otj Xoat!, " you yourself were called npon to (erye a* Sherifi of the 
County when in yoxu twenty -third year." 

■' ! warn," refilled Bir Ko'iFB-, "aud I indnl|t«d the pleasure of a 
young man (wno did not ihink ill (>f his own person), in taking that 

fubliu occasion of nhowinjt my fiifure and befiaTioor to advanta^. 
should not do so now, 8ir. I should out do m) now." 

"Nay, Sir," said I, ''it' may well be that tlii» R«Tolntio(i. like 
•orae otberg, will be leu in reality than in aptwaranue. nt will be 
limited and ameliorated by conditions and inUuenoes nont- tlie lest 
potent and permanent becanw subtle, and, to tlie vulgar rye, per- 
chtQoe, ioviiibte. The raioillf red faae oE Kevolutiun, like that of 
a blnsterin^^dft/ii/iiA, ii often more threatening than formidahle." 

" Sir," oried the Knight, " a Country Oentlunvan of cood deeoent 
tnd aubatautial eitate, roight of old, oreditsbly »nd without bs* of 
dignity, become a Justine of the (luoruio, lill the Chatr at Quarter 
BeisioaB, oo-operate in Couoty ndminiatration with hia peers and the 
parion. But lit on these new-fangled County CounoiU «heek-by- 
Jowl with the Ton ToncnTEs, the repiibtiaan Scribblcra. the revoln- 
tionary Cjbblera, and other the tagraj and bnbtail of Mob-election f 
Herer, Sirl Sir Aitdilew Fueei'out, with hli trade instincta and 
republican doctrines, might Hod himaelf at home in luch company, 
not a true Tory Sqnire, or sound Anglican divine." 

" But in rely, Sir Hoi-ira," said I, ''a patriot's duty i» to Mire bis 
miignided country in the w'ir»t pinch of her Tni«forlunei, even at the 
ooatof dincomfort to himnelf. Could such an one aa yourtelt for 
inrtaoce, be present at one of th»»e pr>:>jeoted <'iiunty CounoiU, and 
porchanoB make »ueb nn itnprenBivesrd in"piring harangue a« I oecb 
neard yon deliver at the County Aasi/eti, bow would he inform the 
ancrably, give himn-ll a figure in the [lublio eye, keeii up hia credit 
in the Oflnnty, abash purrcnu insolcucB, cruah crude conceit, and 
ocinH<i]i)ently checkmate and oountervall the ver* dangers and disasters 
whioh your patriotic [■retiuon marks from alar I Remember, Sir, 
vtat wn pigreed ujwn of old. that a Mrmlwr ol the S-*iety we pro- 
jMte<i ' who 'nhoold Carefully employ bimaell in inakiog ri)om for 
inorit by throwing down the worthless aud deLTavwi part of man- 
kinil from the uunspicuous etation of life U) wEiiuh they have some- 
times been advanued, and all tbia without regard to his private 
inl«re"t,' would bo no small benefaotor to his Country." 

Sir RooRB fetohed a deep aigh, and fell Into a dt of muMng. 

" You know, Bir." I pursutd, " that feuds between the wealthy 
and wtll-placfd, thuuch too freyuent in thia country, are very fatal 
to the ordinary iwuple, who arc ao used to be doi^zled with tiohes, 
that thty pay oa muoh deference to the understanding of a man of 
an eatato. as of a man of learning ; and are ao hardly brought to 
regard any truth, however important soever it mav be, that ia 

Ereaubfd to them, when they know there are tereral men of five 
uudrcd * ye«r who do not believe in it." 

Uy friedd'a neaking oountenance softened until it was Boarooly 
mure reeofrniMBW u the indignant viiaj^e I had lately looked npon 
than woa the frowning and itaring paint- transformed aign of the 
"Baracen'a Head," aa hia own benign physiognomy. He waa about 
to break folth into a difoourse consonant, I am sure, with hia 
Oluuignl ©ipreaaiiJO, when tie clarion of ohanticleer welcoming the 
flnt glinuaor of dawn that broke through the think branches of the 
•fed efan* rmdtiad neoesiary what, in parliamentary diotion, would 
M dsi i g p ttri an adjournment oi the debate. 



" I AM yiaj glad to M« 
enter hia tanttan. 



OEORQE JOKIN. 

{ClUi iMi.) 

.," my* the Oomio CbanoeUor, m yoa 
yon were oahercd in you aoaroely 
•speoted me to be a Mer— I mean to 
appear P" 

You bow (pavely, while the Right 
Bon. Dentleman rings tor one of tiia 
■abordi nates. 

"My Laughing Secretary," he ex- 
plains, when the yonng genUeman 
entera. " Thii kindly iniityidual ap- 
preoiatesmy jokes. I anid t.3 my viiitor 
he Boarcely eipeoted me to be a peer — 
in mistake for to appear. Vou see the 
joker- 
Call this a" Pl(Mure nornil" , Thn* ohalleogod, the cew-oomer 
bants into a about of merriment, and 
says the jest is of first-rate quality. Cn hia retirement the 





"VziBT Tutor" writes:— "Sir,— The other day, walking in 
tho nuthbonriliood of Waltham Croaa. I came suddenly upon the 
hi*t«no stenee <rf Temple Bar, erected at the rntrance of Theobatd'a 
Park. I haye awettaiud that thia Btuation tor oTir Itimlwring old 
obftnutuniat ttinai p1mm« khdo folka, but, for my part, I can unJy 
look vpon Ita present poeition aa ' FauU d* JU*u£\" 

Qmnonr TO ig ITT st Mb. CaArux miix Ciuiicxllos or tja 
SxosMHm.— ■> Are Towel-botMa and CIothee-horM* to be taxedF" 



about it ia «pit* of ita being oalied ligtiy car* ! Perhaps you would 
not mtndamiling yoiirnelf at my jokes in the absence ol my Laughing 
Secretary. Thank you.'' 

Xhon the Cabinet Miniattr becomes graver as he remOTee a eover* 
Ine from what appears to be a framed sampler. 

' Hord is my oelebratod joke about G.1BSICS bein? on the Spree 
when Mr. WTNnn.iM. of the Criterion Theatre, was in Ilsriio. 

■■ But have you not made another joke alniat Mr. Wvtiimi*m?" 

" I have." returns tha Comic Chnnwllur. K<ideitiy ; " I aaid that 
although Mr. Wtni>iuii was greatly liked at the Court Theatre in 
the Prussian oapital, that might bo taid to be no CriteriOD." 
I_ "The Criterion is the name of Mr. Wi»tii(»a'B Ijondon theatre, 
la it noil-" 

"Yes: and that was the pith of my pleasantry. Had Mr. 
Wtkbhim been the lessee, for fnaUnce, of the Haymarket, I should 
have been unable to have given m ranch point to my jest.'' 

'■ How ever dii yon think oJ aaeh olaver things, with so many otlieT 
"■ttenj to attend to— for instaice the Budget and tho Conrenion 

"1 really cannot tell you. They oome to me spontaneoualy. J 
believe 1 have a gift for waggery." 
" Have you any works of reference ? " 
' A great many— but my favoarite assistant is Josmpa " 

"CHiltBaitLilll?" 

"No, HfilUr, dearoU Joe.'" and here the Comic ChaDOallor took 
down a well-worn volume labelled " Jor Miller." 

"Have yon made any recent puns?" 

" Oh, yes. Only the other day when something was aald about 
my taking a penny off the Income Tai, I observed 1 thought It 
ought to be calliHl the Outgo Impoat, as everyone had to payiti 
I only took tnrou days in contriving that impromptu." 

" If "ally 1 " 

At this point a servant gives the Comie ChaooeUor a card. 
Dear me, I am afraid I can afford yon no more of my time, I 
have a pupd waiting for me— a woU-known divine^ I am sure ji>u 
will eiouae me," Then turning to the messenger, he adda, " Show 
hu Oraoe into the study, and aak my lAUghiog Secretary to aooom- 
pany me." 

And Bi ynn leave this Homo of Wit, you hear the grave tones of 
the Lhanoellor and his pupil, followed at inttrrals by the rather 
foroed merriment of the Laughing Secretary, 



THREE'S COMPANY. 
Is this month's 3/Vn and Women of the Day, Messrs. BARRioO 
Ive. aa the three " Contemporary POTt^ait^" Hiia Ellen Teebt 
fijst-rate— at alwaya, either in or out of a piotore), between the 
iight Hon. JosKru CaAHniBLiiN and the eminent m-lapbyaioian 
Mr. Hkuheiit Si-knieb. Our JotEi'ii looks quite the Right Hon- 
ourable, but unfortunately ho ia somewhat in the shade, whioh is 
moat unusual for him ; perhaps Moain, BaaaAru wanted to give hia 
otberwiao life-like portrait a tjiuth of noT»Jty. The Metaphyaioal 
Third Party^ looks exactly what ho ia, a bard-headed, determined 
apeoulator— in the domain of payrhology. J prepo* of apcoulntion, 
Mr. Si'KitcrB hinwU records how, having dropped £-tOi» lu bringing 
ijut hii wvirk on Sdcdosy, ha was oompfUed U slop It at Part Vllf 
UoWDrkaforlOTe,IlJ0t |tain.andfrom tni« portrait il may be gathered 
that t^ore ia not miwh Capidity about this lover of Psyche. 

" Mavoa" Ravium jit Goeciisit.— " Thie Hotae ia a nohU animal 
and very tuefol to"— the Ez^eqoer. 



16G 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAItL 



[AP£IL 



18S8. H 




LIABLE TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD. 

"AcH, Kbaclbin 1 I bIlV vos tt Wisr Z«tt 1 1" 

" RmALLV, ItiRR SoiiHtcr! Wkll, t riaritlt coitdRATirL&rB tou on 

TOPB 01IF.4T P«AT I " 



AN ADMIRALTY DITTt. 

(lit-mriUen vji U> DaU.) 

Wbsh BriUin first at Heaven'i oorarouid 

Arose from out the szore miim, 
No donbt she did cot understand 

fibe Boon might sing the sod refr^ — 
"What? BfttTiifKii? BBTTANifu mlethewiTM? 
JVb( while Britona tnwt to (ools or kn«Te8 1 " 

When, spite the stook-prcp&red repLiaa, 

In praotioe eTerything goes wrong, 
It oannot oaiue thee mush surprise 

To huar thus snug thy famotis song — 
" Poor Bbiiashi* ;— she "il never mJe the w»tm. 
Till th« Boud fill their olBoial graTea ! " 

When ugly faota nre hid away. 

And halt on pipor sails thy tleat; 
Whf n publiahoil fijturea lead astray, 

Who 'U not thy new retrain repeat ?— 
" Blind BniTiMSiA 1 How can ahe rule the wkveif 
While to syatcms Briton* will be gUtgb 1 " 

And so, when foes, long watohini thea. 

Combined, together on thee fall, 
AJthongh "&Iy Lords" may go ioot free, 

'Twill then lie little use W Cawl, 
" What ? Dkitasnia Y BiirrvninA rale the w&vmF 
Not whil« Britooa swmi by fooU or knavM I " 

C. B-K-SF-SD. 



"EiBLT SKEVtoita."-— According to a recent official 
oircnlar, the L. C. & D. Cumpany.are settinit a brilliant 
einmpie to the clergy of all denominalioDS by the earli- 
ness and frequency of their aerrioet at 8t. Paui'a, — the 
Station not the t athedral. The aerrioes ti> Cumhervell, 
and a lot of plaoea along that tine, including Walworth — 
" the Company," says ft n American friend, "having found 
the expenowtit Wttl worth the trouble "—<.-■ mmeuiie at 
4 IS A.M. And from llHrne Uill to St. Paul's there 'a a 
aerriee at 3'3U a.U. Up with the lark, forsooth 1 Wh' 
theLark'anof'init" withlhs L. C. ^t D. Co.I W. ' 
well, we are but worms of the earth, and therefore bu^ 
to be taught and piaked up by suub an Early Bird aa the 
L. C & D. Co. These Early Serrioea are indeed worthy 
of the very Earlieat Christians, 



ADAPTED TO CIRCUMSTANCES. 

Sib,— 1 am watching the case of " Little Lord Fanntleroy " with 
Mtrae anxiety, as, if it goes against the defendant, I shall find 
myaelf Ln an awkward pred!oament. I happen to have adapted for 
•tage parp'^aes, without askiog the permteiion of the anthur, a 
popular Three-vulnme Novel. I must honestly say 1 think, in my 
own opinion. J have vastly improred it : but it. in spite of this, the 
decision now pending is given in taTOur of the originator of the 
workj what, I ask, ia to tieuome of mef For it SBems that, though 
my right to dramutiae the Novel will not be questioned, any attempt 
made ny me lu dlatribul^ their respective parta t« the actors will he 
held illegal, and the sending a oapy to the Lord Chaubeblain will 
be abaolutely forbidden. This, Hir, will place me under the neceasity 
not only of teauhing the actors orally, but oblige me to get hold of 
the Lobh CnAUBBBLAni, and, whether he will or no, read tlie entire 
pi«oe aloud to him. Now, how am I to eieonte the first portion of 
this task f Am 1 to bnlton>hole lirst this aotor and then that, and 
continue dinning Ihoir parta into their eara, until 1 think I hare 
laoceeded in leaving at least some of their wordi in their heads F 
What of the aatur who is aconstomed to study in bed in the morn- 
ing f Am I to puuncu on him before he geta np, and refuse lo let 
him stir til! he has heard me go through his part several timea V 
The entire mattur is beset with dillinnltiee. Could I \ake the entire 
oomiiauy on a pie-nio in an omnihm, and read the play to them the 
whole way there and back, or oould I ask them all to dinner every 
day for a month, and s:et through m much as they would ataud of 
it at a time at dessert i 

Then as to Iho l.ioenser— how should I manage him ? He, I fear, 
would be aure to resent a three-hours' reading. Would it be better 
to ruah in, take him by storm, lock bia door, and saving boldly, 
"No, it's no UM calling for help ; yon are going to near it," fire 
away, and gtt throaeh it at one sitting as fast as I could, or should 
I drop in on htm at odd niomenls iikij a tort of Piiul Pry, and remark- 
Ingplcauntly, " Now you'llbear a little bit more to-day, won't you?" 
Mt through the matttr in iniUmanta ty sheer force of pnahing, and 
nkfav kim at a diudnnUca »h«s Im'i not expeotiiw it f 



But to teU yoQ the truth. 1 am not at all aanguioe nboitt my 
Buooeaa with the Lieenaer, even if 1 am able, which I don't exactly 
see how I shall be, to cart; matters through suocecsfnlty with the 
oompany. Perhaps though, the pending decision may not involve a 
recourse to some of the above suggestions. If, however, it dnat, 
1 assure you. Sir, I shall think twice before 1 again meddle with the 
work of Uie mere Nnvelist, and invest it unsolicited with the di^nitj 
and originality that oan alone be imparted lo it by 

YoQi«, at present in some dilemma, 

Tns Dbajuxic Aoaptbs. 

ON THE LAWN. 

IBy a Puitltd Wootr.) 



Bm '■ really very prettr 

And graceful— not a aonbt i 
She '» nlaver, too, and witty. 
Bat I can't quite make her oat. 

I am her great admirer ; 

1 think I could be more. 
But I 'm half afraid 1 tire her. 

And ahe 's thinking me a bore. 

We "re sitting here together : 
To leave ahe'a joat refoaed. 

So 1 think I '11 aak her whether- 
No— why'a abe aoamnsedi' 

Her red lipa, pursed demurely, 
Enclose a smile within; 

And levity is surety 
Shown m her qoivering ohtn. 

Bine eyes, ao bright and oleyer, 
Sparkle beneatn her hat — 



I wonder now what ever 

She can be Laughing at 

Her aof t tones are delieioaa 
As she turns again to apeak ; 

But rnallj" I 'm suHpioioua 
Of that dimple in her cheok. 

Her face ia sweot, and round it 
Fair hair twtnea (o'er her brow] 

Like Bof test— there, confound itl 
What can amase her now f 

Now she looka lomewhat grander, 
Which givet an added charm. 

Who carea to understand her f 
For laughter d<)ea no liariiu 

'Tis her sauoy nature merely ; 

From misumef lauk'htcr lluw>. 
I lore her f Ah, how dtiuly I 

Then shall I r Yea.bweeoMt 



" OMTFiCATioit or TKB DramaI"— The reyival of Uu iportuig 
ntiag play, Th* Mun of Luek, at Hmj iAno, 




ffouM of ComniofiJ, Mmtday Xight, Starch 26.— Bodnt NighL 
OoaouKic txpluined little prnviiiDnB of his plan in gneMh ttirce honrt 
Uld tiirce-qiurtc ri ioDK' 1'') l)e precise, speech toot three hooTB nod 
B iitiuter. Additiomii hali-bonr occupied by anccessioD of tpulogiei 
for length of ipeech. Broaght down notea of hii oddrFsi in series of 
Tolames of muiniicHpt. At end of ttrat three honr* Mi'mhers uix- 
ioul^ nc^rded diminiehinii pile onlnfttisjidof nrittor. Mnch cheered 
t^ ilMOOWty that there did not appear ti) he more than li'VJ Totumea 
IkH. Soma reTTiltion of feeling r.rcat^d by Ahdmrad-Bakti.ktt nt 
thia mamaot brir.fting' in fre>h ^lojiit of wat«r. tutkinic the «Uth. 
Battiiish«t>p'ly r-i^v^d ti> b^excee«of ze&l. ^hubic rememben 
how, in ff-oll dajB. when hv wm about to Baku a ipeeoh, he lued 
to ■BOtBla is BUioeB of w*t«r in his h&t. Never m&kiit a Bpivoh 
DOW: orawi qaorterlj nolarv m«t«ad. Hm, therefore, iin ocotuion 
for dnvtnr wsti-r. But wnen let loose in service of KiKht Hon. 
bUtti, aatianitr uaszinir. JicSfOii bronitbt ia suppliei from other 



lida ; bnt Aaunux gvn him a tnrabler to start with, and then beat 
him. QoftCiiEN moi)i>ed it all up with avidity. fi»t one aide, then the 
other. Looked ai ii he were Koiujt t« put tax trn table water, and 
was lajing in couidtrable atoree at uld rateti. 

A prodigious epeeoh ! half as lon|r ofcaiu as HiTcaiB's. and twiM 
ss intricate. GLA.tiHTO)ii enjoyed mniwU suuurdinKir- Oolr. as 
after disfllosare of principles of Local Uuvenunent Hill, half afraid 
lie "b played out. 

" They won't want ma an^ more, Tuitr," be taid, when 1 mw hin 
home sn nmial nftrr an inportant cpeecb; "and fsnt is, [ (ihaiild 
be afraid to BO book. Thajrare tpoiling mj- hand bTplajicji mora 
boldly than I dare do. Ona week we have a RacUcoi Local Oovem- 
ment Dill, the next a Demooratio Jtudget. When a Tory Chanoellor 
of the Eioheqoer takea off the Bawkxra' Licence and claps fira 
shillinitson ohAmpacne, be'i what you may call bnming the oandia 
of Demooraoy at boui ends." 



168 



PDNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[AraiL 7, 188?. 



I 



I 




•• Uid in a Good Stook." 



T. B. PoTTKR intereatod ttiditot. When Qosohik cune to Beotioti 
of bia ipeech where h* frothed ap champni^ne aiipeaoo a buttle, 
the coouttDUice of roj»t«ren •ittins Dear fell. Pottek's fnoe, on 
ontmry, illuiiimed by tunny tmile that 
out riw&te bae over broad folds of white 
waiatoufit. 

" !)'> you like tneeecihsnipagTiepntnpF" 
aaid Kabi^chihsou, ej«tng tiica angrily. 

" I don't oajB," flaid 
the patrisroh of Rochdale. 
''jTva laid in a gimj iluck, 
^■f ' myioy—all 1S80.'\ 

Butinttt 
dons. — Budget 
brought in 

Yeiterday Old 
Morolitjr an- 
□ooaoed that 
firinuipnl busi- 
iieis atlo-day'a 
tilting would 
be adjoarn- 
meat. Bat they 
don't know 
BTBty thing 
down on the 
T resanrv 
Bencb- Mnon 
more hutinem 
than that kept 
Honae at it np 
tovery limits of 
poBgihly eiten- 

won u( M^'minjr Sitting, (Isite a hearjr debate ou work of Land 
Cummiuiou in Ireland. Hi.VDOLFB aaid a few Isbt worda before 
B«0«aa to oumfort Miniatrjr. So did Giadktovb. Thia opened treah 
oppoitnnily tor AuTncii BiLKicra to show hia profoana aoom for 
Ireland and the Iriih. 

At laat Orders run tbrongh, and, Motion for Adjuomment over 
HoUdaya made. Then Iriih Uueation bruke out in fretb place. That 

Bnk ot Iriah chiTalrr, Tav Pat, oama to the fron^ and bludgeoned 
K.t-OUB, 

J. F. X. CBhifb fixed Chief Seowtary with hia limhiEg eye. 

iHiCK PowEtt — Where is ficK 
'OWKB. by the way F— onoe told me 
that X. in tht^o initialH etiinds 
for Exfoationer, O'Bhieh having 
twenty years ago, been aent^noea 
to death for high treaaon.) Talk 
went on to balf-paat eii, ten 
miontea to leven, if debate etill in 
progreta. House raaat needs meet 
a<tLin at nine. Easti-r Holidays in 
danger. Houae in iuoh emergenoy 
looks tnuttully to Old Morality. 
Evidently on tho pounce thia hour 
past. Ctiaic down at h&lf-paAt 
aix. WiLLum itEJiaonn jaat neen 
to anpiilement Tay Pay's exhibi- 
tion of what Ireland oan prudiice 
in these degenerate dayi. Old 
Morality 'a extingniohet promntly 
pepped on, and expeutant holiday- 
makeri breathed again. 

Krum beneath tixtinirniaher, 
tmonlent ToiL^e of Rziimoitd ex- 
claiming, " Wh7 dua'l you let me 
aoiwet the Cnief Seoretary:' '' 
Pretty to see Old Morality wink. 
Hot rae& to indulge in anoli nhi- 
bitionanf levity. But W, ItKnaDnu 
under extinguisbsr had bo eiactly 
hit the point. "I^t him anawcr 
the Chiff S«ffet«t7l" Why. if 

Spcirtnnity had been aupplied, Chief 6«retary would have b«on 
altered, Goremment woold hnTQ toppled down, and ohaoa would 
have come. 

" Not if WB know it," (aid Old Morality'i wink, aa plainly a« tf It 
•poke. 

01o«ure oarried. Motion for Adjoumment agned to. Home vent 
oS for £ait«r Hotidaya. 




'Lixskiug l)s|;j[urt." 






HovBiTT » "PiTiT Paiif."— BotTi.AiFoiii'8New£''/p. 
itiw JtoolaniVerie Co., Limited. 



Apply t 




THE BUDGET. 

Mb. PuitCH, Sib,— Having deroted aae whole dav to endeaTonring to 
fathom the nnmeroui myiterieaof the loat new Bnaget, which reiioired 
more than four bolira' elaborate descrip- 
tion by ita talented and knowing author 
to explain to on entraneed Hous* ol Com- 
mona, I oan cow, Sir. in acodrdanoe with 
your anggeation, explain the whole mat- 
ter 80 clearlr and *o explicitly, that the 
oanventionol Schoolboy eon tboroughly 
oompreheud it. The whole aeeret of it« 
brilliant auooeiB \» its aimplicity. It wot 
preceded, as we all know. eepeoiaUy un- 
fortunate Bondholders, by the atltmpt to 
make the eimplicity of the 3 per uenl«. 

more aimple by leduoing them to the atJU sweeter Mmplicitr of 3|, 
and tlie snuoeas of thia brilliant idea being once aasnred, the raat 
followed ai a matter of oourae. 

First oame tho itartling announcement that the great Magieiao 
from the land of Ooahen had to deal with an enormous aurplua of 
no lest than t'a.lG.i.OOiM^nnd the delighted House prepared to li»t«n 
with rapture to the onnonnoement of the many nuiaancea in the 
shape of toxea that were about to be remitted. Bat the great 
Magician waved his wand, and behold the whole of thia enormona 
(urplns. and tomething more, was to he devoted to the relief of 
flomethiiig or somebody that his colleague, Mr. IUtC'sie, hod tried 
to explain a few nighta previonaly, though with only very partial 
anooesa. 

Having tbua aatiefaotorily cleared the ground, firtt by creating an 
enormous surplua. and then by bidding it vanish into thin air. the 
political Prosp^ru again »et to work to conjure up an imaginary 
Burplus to repluce that so uuriously disposed of, and oere hia genius 
for simplicity bad full tilay. lla lirst began by introducing the 
novel idea that oil oarts shoold be charged by weight, and proposed 
2i. per uwt. as an experiment ; but the Agricultural party groaning 
at this kindly suggettion. he at once consented tu except agricnl- 
toral carts, thia diittnction to be ascertained by the inscription on 
anoh oarts in block Itttera on a wliite ground. '' Tills here Cart is a 
agriciultnral ono pnnuipiilly couHn^d to Tatert and Tunnuts." 
This I WB8 told in confidence by an iriib Member. 

Another new idea had downed upon the linaneiiil Wizard, bo having 
taxed aorta, he next proceeded to tax wheels, and that too at the 
r&te of 2i. ad. a wheel, if over 2 owC. I am not a very experienoed 
judge in these matttrr, bat I should have thonght that few oari- 
wheels would weigh over 2 cwt., but of course be Knows what he waa 
talking about. Ilrewera are to be treated mther aeveroly, as thoy 
will be taxed both for weight and wheels, and will have to pay about 
£300,0001 Poor Breweral The next brilliant idea waa to tax all 

SLeasare horsea 2Qi. each, and all racehoTsea iX> each ; so racing 
iQtcber boya will have t" be careful. I am glad to see that the tu 
Upon Hawking i a to be altogether abolished, but I do pity the poor 
Duke of Si. AtHiSa, aa I reallv do not see how they con continue hia 
salary after that. Why p^-ir Wine MLTohanta should hiive to pay 
^». per doi^en on wine, it S"td in buttles, and nothing at nil if sola in 
flagona or hogshead^, I cannot understand, bnt rich financier! are 
always hard npon poor retailers. 

The one point in the whole mysterious matter that I do undontand 
thoroughly is that the Income Tax ia to be roduced t» the sweet 
simplicity of Gd, in the pound, which I am very mu<>h pleased with, 
as it makea the calculation of how muuh cue bos to pay so muvh mor* 
aimple. 1 do not eutliciently understand aboat oomponiea' registra- 
tion feea, or stomps on foreign secnritieB. to know how they will 
operate and on whom, but having devoted two hours to calculating 
how the new Btidget wiU affect me, I arrive at the following result 

I pofsess iJO.OlN.! ia the simple ii per cent*., whiuli have pr\)duo«ii 
me daring the last twenty ye&ra £<)U0 per annum. 1 will therutore aay, 
InooDU i600 



Lofs oQ CoDveralon . . . 
Tax on 1 Horto .... 

,. „ 1 <'»rriaBw .... 

„ „ l WhtcU. at2». M. . 

„ „ Wins, at Ht. per doztn. My 



SO 
1 
1 

10 

1 19 



Baying Id, in the Potmd, Income Tax 



2 




6 19 



HettLots 



£51 14 3 



With this startling result storing me in the face, I feel oontidtrabla 
difticulty in jiitning heartily in the chorus of praise of the Bodtet, 
that it took its author nearly four hours to explain, and the evU 
tflrot* of which he could, of course, easily uvoid fay HllioE oat hU 
OoaauU ft month ago, and laying in a heavy st'>Lik d1 bottled wia«. 

Jusrj'u Okkk-xhokii, 



■XOTtuS—s^fseted Oammaalcittioat Ot CanirJInttioc*. wholfaor HB., Prtntftt Kattor, Drawlngi, or Pictures at any deicnpUon. will 
titj^^f^J" r*(D/xfprf. aal area wbtn Mpompanled by a StampeA and MArtsaai £nt«WM, Coiw, or Wrapper. To U)l* r«k. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THE ODD-EYED ONE. 

Jl Story it a DUlrict Survq/«T. 




Bat if h* had two tjta 
Of anite naaqiul raagw, 
'Twoiild le*Mn on*'* »nrpri*e, 
'Twonld seem Um itmn^ 

" Ad eule oib sMdied 

(CohiuikeKd^afee) 
To pluUa gaping wide 

It bound to nM. 

"A wallnotondtrrinnix). 

FoundatiMU of foul •lima, 
Sneh «7e is lor* to find, 

Id pr>ip6r time. 

" But if the mole-fje 'i used 
" On Jcrrjr-work (of him 
Who ' tipi ' hat.h Ttot refutml) 
lt.1 riixoa'i dito. 

" Miick-niort«r, crninblinjc brick, 
Bad draiiM(c«, f«tid nook, 

A aisht not loiut or quick 
JUfly oTerlook. 

" Whilst it, [terohaitoe, peroeives 
The fee which— iuu«an»— 



Or 000 EzKttKL Sxim 
IbiTe»taI«totoU; 
^H jAaum of parta and ^tli ; 
^^^^HK know Dim woU. 

H 

■ " 

^r Ac 

1 



h IQLTi wu muro ali^rt, 
Or tn,lki(ir, or Rnyur, 
Of DetgduDC'iit-tbc-Diit 
DisUict Surrejar. 

EzEEitL had two eyw. 

One hluc, the otlier brown, 
Ono uTinnd to tooJi thu ikiM, 
And <mo lookrd down. 

A curioun kind of j^iuint ! 

And of thii)o (iptic!) twjun. 
One read the smdUit print 

Without a. strain I 
The otbiT had the ranits 

Of n raoo-iihLBS, hut clold 
Saw DoUiinit (whioh was strange) 
fiaiUBth (lis auen, 

OiA-tyeA Ezkxiu. 

iBspocted and SQTTovnd, 
Aud did it passing woU ; 

Or BO men said. 

[>oeal AuthuTilic* 

Atv men of atrrre and phlegm ; 
The nun of the odd cfes 

SatttScd Utem. 
Jh» iMUldan also thrivod. 

Sxostdinclr content. 
So with the Bi«n who livod 

Upon Ground Kent. 

The tenants duljr— •uch 

Arc tronnta 1— did u('t anule. 

Thnf mninmrwd Yery muoh, 
And all the while. 

ThsT *a£d tiu drains wuuld smL-11, 

Tbe^saldttMlloon'woiild crcnk, 

Ilur mM Hia door* would iwcil, 

Tm roofa woold leak. 
They a» a taron-jcTaiDed lot, 

AretcBsota. B](iTa,mueh bored, 
Pooh-pooh"dtheirphdnUas"rot,'" 

ThiMr voM i{rni>rcd. 

At last a tenant eama 
To Deepdeop-in-thc-Dirt, 



A hnmorist, his nama 
Was PEIEK Bd»t. 

He very soon mode fripodi 
With ereryhody round. 

A smiling wit — who apondl — 
Is suld'ira found. 

Ho had a genial face, 

ln;!liniii^ aiOD ^1 chat. 
Ho suou had all the ptaM 

Beneath his hat. 

One dnjr he gsre a f«ed. 

Churchwarden Wichaei, Poit 
Said, " This 'ere chap iiidtied 

■W«U knows wut's wot." 

" An ejiopilcnt repast ! " 
Said Mr. Uoicti, thn Rector. 

" A 1," said LKurri, I.A.Tr, 
Nuisanoo lQsi>«otoT. 

As for the Odd-Eyed One, 
He, with a swelling shirt, 

Propoaed— 'twas nsaUjr daa»— 
The health of Bon. 

Ur, toyinKwith a poach, 

Baid, " Thanks ! It is tor fflory 
iVfivr Uj make a speech. 

I '11 tfll a story. 

" Ktttiiro baa wondrous wstb ; 

In hnr all wit 's embodied,'' 
II« said, and fixed his gaiv 

CponthoOdd-Kyed. 

" A man is not a fij, 

Or so ssys Mr. Popi, 
(Whoso poems, by tbo bye, 

Yott r«id, I hot*.) 

" Rut Natutt oitn adjust 
Man's viuoD to hii n^d, 

(Yon, all of yon. 1 trust. 
Tour DaiiwiK road,) 

" You possibly miRbt think 
1'bat man au uptio ninny 

Who TOuld not scu— that siiiiak. 
And couW— this fuinua," 

(Hepointcd to the door 
Whereon a ynwninir CfMJc 

Osped half an iuoh, or mora, 
In :rig-iii(!ltuik.) 



The JerrT'build«T IsaTSa 
Upoa tne suirs. 

" Natnris, my worthy friends, 
Will jfiin the hot and Itoi 

To gain her wondrous odos. 
An I she '■ a tphinx. 

" I know a man but sl«y ! 

My dmr EtKKiCL. 
What u tho matter, pray F 

You don't look well." 
The Odd-Byed One. inde«d, 

Hod fallc-n in a fit. 
This broke up UrRT's Big Fe<<U 

His guexls did Sit. 

EtRStEL '■ camo roimd," 

But what stru ck soRM aastrango. 
His health, ho straiR:htway found, 

Beauired a change. 

He was not lonfr a stayer 
At DeepdcDe>in-the Dirt, 

And— well, its now Surreyor 
It Fktkb Bdu. 



AUSTRALIA VICTEIX. 

Victoria is starting its own Plpot, with a UD0-of-hattl8 ship, 
MWal ganhoals, a omiser or two, and torpedo craft. A'try crafty 
— «ad very prettv tool More ^wwer to her eHK)w— also her Mel- 
bonmel England and Au«traba will to the fntuie have a sort of 
dual control of the Bouthern Seas. Perhaps in our European wart, 
Lf we have any. we shall be sided by an Australiau naval ountiniCL-nt, 
W(>U as a military ono—unly can a thiiiit which titnta be called 
eontingtnlf And if lome of the abips were sunk, would t)iv ruat 
be styled a " oontinsent remainder"? Naturally tho bifrgcit inlnod 
ia the world has the biggest ooast-iico. and so necda thn liugeat 
flMt Then will follow a healthy rivalrr— New Boath Wslci will 
trytOTto with Vietoria— Queensland will try to ont-torpedn Wth. 
FvderatiOR is the thing— to prevent the diftarent Anttralian Colonios 
from bting at Southern Crn«s- purposes when they all have their 
ownnavita. 



lbs Ot7 of tha Oonsoiueor. 

I UK* a good Jan Tan Bers, I do, 

I'm partial to true Jan Van Beers; 
Bat when I 'm informed that his piotures in ho«ta 
Are signed by his Vslet and painted by " Khoata," 

I cry out on false Jan Van Beers I 



TocTT DM Swiirr.— Mb, Pmao, the clever author of Swttt Lavtn- 
Jer, oonipUins. in a l.«ttr.T to Mr. Mot Tuouas, who oommandi thn 
Daily Nttet Theatrical Culnmn. that onr (renial oontriSntor. "A 
NaairOSB," has fonnd a fault with hisnlaybeoauieMr. TictutT,a>a 
Barrist^v, robes in bis Chambers in tho Inner Temnlo, and wears his 
bands, or "band" (as Mr. Piskbo prefers to oail them) over his 
scarf. Ur. Pikebo ■ugcests that now the Law Courts are moved 
from Wentmioster to the Strand all the Chancery men robe in 
Chambers, and only a few Common Law m«n u«u the rohin;r-room. 
Mr. PiKKKO is wToug. 1/iag befoM Westminster {•{'"1 Law Cinirts) 
was alwliahcd. the Eiiuity men, hsving Vi praatise in Linc<>in'a 
Inn, robed in their Chambers, but the vast msjority of the (^mmon 
Iaw men on the activo list then, as cow, assumed th«ir wigs and 
gowns ia tho Courla of Justice. But this is a verv small matter, 
" Surely," adds our gialal ooDtribut4)r, himself a barrister with a 
rare practice. " Mr. Pniuu shcutd he satiEfird with my unquaMtd 
apptoTttl of hii capital Comtdr— a picoe which, it will be seen (by 
rUtrtaoe to " A NiSTT Oxe's" aoticool tho play), only rdioirea* 
little r^-ananKement to heoomc praotioatly periML" 

Pbttino *T Ppity Sfssioss.— Aoooniing to tho J!iifi Cotmtu 
Ckromcle. the Brentwood Ma^strates must bo amnsing parsons. A 
few days since a labourer was brought up b«fi>ro three of Ih«m, 
Messrs. Pstiib (in the chair), Ibs, and LsscUKs, obargrd with 
atealing six ponndi of b^f, and dismlKscd. To ijnote onr oont«m- 
porary, tho Bench " gnYo him tho hem fit <ii the dotibl, the Chairman 
sramins Idm to be more oarofut in the future." Xo lionbt, ia 
" reported oaSM " thin dcoiiion will rank with the celebrated Tcrdict, 
"Notiiiilty, bat don't do it again." Krom his prfmeness to blow 
people np it mj^ht be thonght that the fnll name of the Chaiman 
should M Sail Pbtke, w«ro it not evident that Simple Pxnut at 
PfT&s Bimple would he tqoally approcnat*. 



VOL ISTT. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 




[Af^u. 14, I8S8. 




A RESPONSIBILITY. 

Ob— A— I'm oorao to a FAncr Ball a» Vau-.v, vov know. Wbat xun> 
or Matuuai. viiiuut roxi BuouutT roa a Gowk I " 



TO OUa V0LTJSTEER3. 

" FoBK, fono. Killsroen. form t 

Korin. and [jreiiitre to pmlect yoor Qcuh I " 
But out upon Wimbledon Curnmon, dear bofS, 
For Villiiaom'B hi)f-wigB it (frently annoy*, 

And moveth Oei)bge E*naKH to apleen. 
Spite of Htingmeu, snub, and uiHoial r@buV«, 

Form:— It 'a yoor duty ta Country iinti Qaeec 
Bat if yon sec^k aid from a Rre^t Koyal Duke,' 

By George, too muiC be jolly green ! 
No, ihift the ritie-r&nKe, pack np the teat ; 
Yon migAt fight th« Kasaian, yon cannot fight Ekki I 



A VOICE FROM PATNA, 

"Josncs to"— no, not Ireland, though tbere ii aPat 
in Patoa— bat jostioe to Mr. Tatleii, of P^tna, iiwbat 
every Eogliehman mint demand of the Government. 
The Timti, in the courw of a powerful article, *t*tinf 
the eaw oieBrijr last Friday, told us that Ki. Oonuoie- 
eioner Tatlkb is now eighty-one years of age, ftnd. on 
the principle "It is never too late t« m<nd," appeal* 
to the Gavernment to remove the stigmn <in Ur. Tatleb, 
and "redrew tha ^reat and coandnloiu iojuistioe ol 
whioh," Jor thirty years, "lie haa been the viotim." 
All who have read the narrative will say the tame j 
and Mr. Punch tra«ta that the present QoTemoent wilt 
ioM no time in giving us a ipknilid iUtutntion of 
" Sartor Jietarlui?' 



A UKHINISCBNCE. 

Chakpaoux Goscken is my name 1 

CnAUPAGRE QoscsEN IS my name I 
Good for Bay aort of tai, dear boys, 
Pat it on to wheel* aod pleasure baoki. my boy*. 

CaAuPi05it GoscQKN ii my name! 

Beautiful to look on is mr game 1 
Good for any tort of tax, my boya 1 
Oh, that 'b the little game of Joeik' 0. 1 



" Hat FT BRTCBire."— Mr. Hxr&t Ibtiro and Mia* 
Eli.ei( Tebbt reappear on Saturday next at the T.yc«um. 

They have oome back in excellent health and apirit*. 
although be is leeline QDOomnionly doUaroua. Miaa Ellek 
iibrimmiuguTer with good Ktoriea about all parte, even 
the wildeat, of Am^riva. In fact she ii qoite a new 
edition of Sacku>ood> MimUeny. 



MADAME LA SEPtTBLiaTTS. 

(Aiftatel,at a rtiptet/ul dittanat, from Omen UertdiA'i "UackuntLa 

Mari/ain,"} 

Titi tbUa of har ihort-skirted latter-day dreiu 

9ptmd ont her ehaitf-kmgfit, fall on. fall, 
Ai ahe lonngc* in languiirons tuvelineat. 

With a antile— and a (rowa— for alL 

On her petulant face there 'i a boding ahade, 

Ab her PhryHian cap in the air she llinjra. 
She la hardly at borne with heraelf, I 'm afraid : 

In the fii«tight sparkle her rings. 

A* ihe loU a,— peevish ilre in her P.>mpadour eye* 
The long, st'wpy. «i>ft silken la»hi;» rieneath -. 

Through ber F.ibab-lhrvad lips, stirred t<) pettish replioa, 
Breaks the gleam of white tigeriah t«cth. 

At ahe loUa, — where your eye, by her beauty tnbdaod, 
Droopi— from under the drnperv acanly and alight 

The ne»te«t of i*et, j ii&(-Blip[>er'd, prutrndo, 
Till one shoe ahe tlinga ofi — a* in apite. 




A* on* bonds o'er her btaom to tell her the newt, 

A iiiniM mulim ahi> ra«k<-t: she ia charmingly thie. 
But whit, had ahe rcully the power to ohooM, 

Bh« w^inld fit api)D, rainly you '11 seek. 

So "h* site in the fire'a a wiflly- flickering light, 

With a llukertng tnile, like Spring auashine on flowBra ; 

Simuyft to dtath, you wjold say, weary quite 
0/ ufe and it* pleasures and powora. 

Whn', next f WhU new amanl or mide may ahe try f 
ir^af fiuhiaa fyr btr bi ■ permanent ahum f 



The purple, the trioolor ? Peace will.ahe ery. 

Or roiue at' the summoiu to ana f 
Attractive ahe is to the coldest beholder, 

A bt'auty to fascinate evi-n her fo<iB ; 
But that hilgety foot, and that potuUot thoalder, 

Speak much more of ptqae than icpose. 

For Imperial auntight some swear ahe ta made, 

To loU upon purple with insolent smile ; 
Yet fanatics of freedom and servants of trad* 

Have suooessfully wooed— for a white. 

Can you find ont her heart throngh thtt silk or tliat laM t 
Ynu have seen her in every dtecription of dnei ; 

She'll liiow Amuon bosom, or ISaocaanal face. 
But what her heart '* like ean you gaeaa f 

She has tried every man, every nwJti in her world, 

Soft Imi)erii1 sia, lirrje H-publicao pieaioni 
BtiU her wetry red lips iirp with di'onuteat ourlei ; 
Is she thinking of chiiU){ing thu luhiou r* 

She is fair 1— bnt. when angered, sbo yearns to taite btood ; 

She is sweet—but there 's flame io bur Lamia kisa. 
Will Mars or will Mo-nail neit muter her mood f 

la it worth while to guess at all this t 

Thi Qbakhab or Dimrkt.— The Sootoh Prafeswr—there b ooly 
one, and his name is Blaceib -has broken out again ; thla tine on 
the eahjeot of grammar. He says, "Everybody who w«a ever 
worth anything" wrot« bad gr^'iLmar — which la (juile true. There 
are loti of men worth thuutaods who havs liten— iishq from th« 
ranks— far above LniOLEr Mobjiay. The Prufesaor duean't bolier* 
in grammar— he " bolicvci in soul." This la reallr aplritcd. Eri- 
denUy Ur. BLACKie is the grandly oontradictorf tort of vtma^gt 
who would prefer the " three are notf" to the "throaUV^ 





* 



Afwl U, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



MOST IMPORTANT; 
OR, now wi iKTiftvicw »ow. 

P1BI8, .<4;rnVt. 

I ui writing Uiii, bnrriedljr, in a duk 
ud dnofhty cotiMr of General Bocuk- 
oKs'a Mmdor. I un writioK it on k pron- 
Uar pas*— t nuy n; % psK^- uf luthity. In 
otlMrwardc, OIW ol t)iu Upntril'ii piK«*i ■ 
litUa Hibrwv in butlvm, is "making > 
Udc " fcr BM. npoD wbioli 1 writ«, u on k 
talil*. SbiraU tliii MS. be 'liiHcolt to 
dMiphtT, you will unileriUad that it in 
bcouia* the pftt«'> biuk IB not an itnuly a* it 
mif lit b«. it la, ia fact, qannrly ponTnlned 
at irr«Kiilir Inkcnli. almotl ,u (h»ugh th* 
iiUU Stir*tv in oiiUtini icru laughing at 
tm ! Bat that, of oonrw, oannot b« 1 

Hie 0«iural rcoeiTci in tiorla file, ae 
thon|h hii inlcrriDWiTii wore CmuiIb, or 
ftppuaanU «t a. Soup Kitchen. To raoh 
Tiattor ha aooordi a »pefinl lrlf-ii-trl«. But 
with thoio ho nwivcii lirst ha oonrerKB 
for a lontrof period than with «thara, I 
wa* not nmmi^t th(*o he rMwivod fint, 

When I pii«iie(i inti> the salon, I fotioii tho 
OeueriU alone, !itiiniiini[ Iwikini; it a lot of 

ShntogTAjilin of himself. His motto ia t-vi. 
ontlf Aufif litpium. His bock wu tiimid 
toward* me »« I «utert>d. He did not ohanits 
hi* poiitioD while I rcmniti«d. He eiioplj 
glaDced over his Uft slioalder at me now 
and atrain, aimml tcith courteiy. Hi* h««k 
■• % «r¥ slnkiuK one. linsutarlr iMiire*- 
■Iti in Vji shrtiKs: emphaticuHj- the Daok 
of ft Frcnulimau with a fntora la front at 
hiai, Hiid an mtcrricwBr bdliad biiB. 

" Shall jrou «o to the Noi4 rOBrwU, IL le 
Ofnfral[''lb.gmn. 

■' Ab." with a ihni^ of th« ahooldw, 

that i« my aSair. It u a rrcat prinoiptu 
onwhioh I take my «t«nd. Thai priaciplo 
may or may not requiro mv preaence. If 1 
go, I go. Otherwiae. not.'' 

I bowed my thaok* for this important 
•OB&dliioe. "May I aik you to define a 
TrindpleF" I pursued. 

"He who can rijrhlljr divide anddeflne, 
b a Kod," said tho Oeneml, oracnlarly. 
"Bomo UrbIc philosoDhor said 10, did he 
Botf I am no( a rod.'' 

"Ah. Of Derail" I oried, depreoatingtr. 
" the ptuplo aro of a ditfw«nt opinion. At 
leaat yoa are an idi>l. Anyhow, can JOiX 
giTe mo f onr id«a of lUTision F " 

(With oiplosiTo animation.) "That i* 
my fcorat. 1 keep it to mywili. Don't 
you wi»h jon may irrt it ? " 

Again I thankt^d him with effoiieti for 
hi* rxoeedJDi; candour. Tho Uccend 
■eemod mem intoreBtud in the toe of hia 
boot than in me. I hoped thore wu no 
oonneclion in his mind between tho two 
mbjecti. But, from prudential motivM, 
I backed nearvr to th« door. I prooeeded. 

" Can fim at IcAst tell me if yon oon- 
tetnplate ahutiticm of the Senate, or any 
chanse ia the coniilitation of that Wy '! " 

"1 ata oonititntionally contempUtii'e,'' 
ke replied, look in 1; at hie pUiu huDast 
AMirpwii fica in a mirror. " Uake what 
70D eu of that I can't t*ll you any 
more." 

"Pafdpo nM.U. le Ovoirtl, if I lay that 
yoor attitade— « Tarj ftne oao, and moat 
militar)'. I am aBre— reminds mo of Mr. 
Oumoxs when people try to draw him 
with recafd to Home Ualo plana. He »aya 
bo won't b» W into a trap." 

"Tho Old ParUimenUry Hand is rirtt." 
■aid the OtnerBl. "I'm only a Vounr 
Parliameotary Hand, hut yon won't play 
tho polittoil polmiat with me, I can t«U j-ou. 




BISMARCK FORBIDS THE BANNS] 



I 'ra not iroinir to give myaulf away " (with jtrowinir animation, and awiaging hit right foot 
aImo«t niritt^ilv), " Why should IF If juu decUre your pUni, they are riddled before 
thny are ripe. 1 shall unriddle them myself— when the ttne oome*. I prtfertoplay 'Eitpus 
to my own Sphini. I 've already put my pvtiur iuto a nateheU, which let them oraok who 
can. "If loltimed to be the tJaTiuur ol iSoobty 1 should be a madmaa; It I didn't make 
ready for that rile I shinild be a fooL" 

"Delphio, indeed I" said I. " And now. a* to the state of the Array, Oi-nfral?" 
"Subjaot tibojodl " said the Qoaoral. curtly. " Boiidos, I'm « oirilUn now, rati know." 
"On only tho retired lilt, M. lo Oi'^nera!," said 1, with nitivo arohncis, " r'roe to ptar 
the Oumirm ia Politioi ; free also, at a military orisi*, to play the NtroLXOX in Uie flela. 
1 think yuu 'vo s&jred twioe therOi." 

" (iot 'em both," said tb* l3eBertl, epigrammatically, looking ata oomiobilliaid-aketoh on 

the wall. 

" And meanwhile, M. le 0*D*rJ." oalil I, fa^ioualinglr, " what ohall you 4> t " 

" I ihall reserve my plane, and I ahall tcait. You ntedn't." be added, with emplmali, 

taming towarde me, for tne tint time, rifht foot fortmait. 1 didn't 1 



ELBHERTiBr TatcBsss.— Bitter Euteily wind*, Blaokthom winter, oeld, froct, now, 
and hailstorm*, sleet, oyolonet, and bliuud*. 



ITS 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



[April U, 188S. 



It 
Skunblea. 




MR. PUNCH'S VERY QUEER STORIES. 

PROFESSOR QCISBAFATS FIRST LECnjRK. 

u ft pleuant aad teleot p&rtj' th&t wu MMmbled >t the 
The oeoubn wu & remukabla one. Pruteasor SiVBO 
QCIHEIFIT, Ihe DEwly-ippolDUd 
Ojiford Iieotnrsr, wm lo dfilirer on 
the morrow hi« arst popular addreaa 
in the Deighbooriog mulcAt towD of 
Bnlkburr. 

Now trie Pri^tesaor was altoBether a 
dittin^Lshed and not&ble pergoDa|;e. 
Bom in Afrioa, he had fiOlen eitrl7 
into th* olut^ibe' of n troupe of wan- 
dering Negro MinstreU, who brought 
him Ui tbii oiuntr^ m a «pecukUoD, 
and all thv itDpr«Mion« of his earlier 
j«an w^re HCTjnired in the nompany of these muwoal children of hie 
raoe, in whoie p^rformannea he had taken a part, and whoae lot, 
OMt w it wiu in the ramblbg life of the caravan, he had ahtired. 

From this, tbouifh, it muH he aildL-d, at the time aomowhit aicainat 
hit will, he WM resooed hy ad enteruriainj; agent of a loual Sahaol 
Board, who, attnioted by hie peoriruirlj rich lautiti and eingnlar 

Swer of repartee, m erinoed ia hie introdawd oonTerEttion* with 
a Banjo Maa in the euturtnininvnt, f9reaaw how, if these Rifts 
wem prupurly utilise<I. they might bo made to sabserve the nobleat 
purpoioa of L>dueatioual adranoomect. Nor waa the nireitt diaap* 
pointed. SiMBO QpiNKiFir rapidly diatiiiKnished himself, and, 
Kwuriny a Triple Kiral at Durham, in a very short time attracted 
the Dotiee of the older Unirereit}'. The Chair of Phlebotomy fell 
vacant. The anthoTitiee offered it to him. E« acoepted it with 
alacrity, and wai ioatallcd forthwith. 

So SiiimuOdij'kh'it.M. A. .tilled the Oiford Chair, and ai Sir 
CaiTET and Lady BnirEiii introdneed him to the select circle 
aesemhlMl t'l meet him in the great drawin«-room at thi> .Sliambtee, 
aod they aurveyed his dijfniiied beariog, his taultleea black auit. 
itold eya-gUaie«, oarefully-brnshed hair, and general profcaaorial 
completalWM, tb»y onnld not but a'tmit that, but for hia rich bUok 
oolour, he was aa good and real a Uon as any who at that moment 
happened to be parading the High Street of the greit TJniveraity 
towQiteati. 

" Too will take Miss Flttb in to dinner, Proteoor," remarked 
lAdy SaiTEBS, with an arch amile. 

The Profeawr, who was diaouaiin? aone abitraae theories of 
eroiution with a tcientitio celebrity, gave a courtly how, and 
offered the middle-aufd lady referred ti his arm. She had been 
(tanding: ouylv by, listening in rapt attention to his learned dis- 
oonrse, and blmhed a* she aooeptod the preferred gallantry. This 
fair thongb waahel-out oreatnre was the GoTcrneaa of the hoase- 
hold, and, during the Professor's short stay, had assisted him in hia 
seareh for hooks in the library. He had spoken to her enthasiasti- 
cally c.f his early Afrioan experience?. Si> the charm hid been 
wrousiht. Tho swarthy University Othrlio had oaptivated the 
wort hipping, Boantiiy aiiburo-haired Deidi-moKa. She feltj that, 
were ho to ask her, »hn could share with him hia i'rofesaoriil chair. 

Only that very raorning^when handing him a volume of Slair't 
SiTTni'H, he luid said, "Why, Miseie, why do you oall 'im 'Fro- 
ttuot'f Why do yoa not eaU 'im 'SaMBo'f" She had only 
r«|^lad. " Oh, Ui*t«r Saitso, how can yon go on eo I " and he had 
laughed a low rich guttural " Teogh, yeoiih. yeogh t " in re-iponse. 
She knew Ir^m. that hour, if ahe ao willed it, she omili win him. 
So, whrn Lady Shiveks, whose quick feminine instinct had divined 
in which quarter tho wind waa blowing, had oonaigned her to hia 
oharre at dinner with a aignilioant nod, ahe blushed. 

"Yoa are not nervous about to-momw'a lesture?" she uked, 
looking up at him with what was intendt-d U^ be a little m<>ue. 

"No, Hisiie, 'im berry tit! 'Im never was mp>re lit. Misaie. 
Yaogb I yeogh I ^eogh ! " And he laujhed again richly and deeply. 
Then they went in to dinner. 

The entertainment went off as such ealertoinmenta generally do. 
There were awkward paunesat first. Still, as the "tinned" oysters and 
aalmoD and " canned rabbit," began to be washed down by the aweet. 
cheap, but rather headj;, champagne, upm which Sir CnirKT had 
not eerupled lo regale his gneets, the oonversalion gradually hecame 
general, and the Polities of the country, tho state of the crops, tho 
■porting proepoclfl, the forthoomiait Lecture, were all tossed hetter- 
■bslter together in the goneral onflow of the talk. Suddenly there 
oamc a pauau, wbioh loft Lcidy PsTcoi EarpuAJt in complete pos- 
session of the fiuld. She happened to he describine to her neigh- 
bour, Captain Wisuovkb, the piirformanpfc of aome Christy Minstrels 
ahe had scnn at the Fair at Dnlkbnry that very afternoon. 

"Ton really must see them, Captain," she was saying. "ThOT 
are far and away the best Niggers I have evur aeen. You know I 
go in for the banjo a little bit, bat their right-hand man was eo 
splendid on it that, really, he has quite taken the conoeit oat 
ol to*. 1 don't think 1 shall ever try to tmioh it igiin." 




"By Jove I" responded the Captain gallantly. And thin the 
interruptod fiow of oonversstion again burst ont on all sides, and wat 
about to rattle on as merrily as ever, when it was suddenly arreitcd 
by the general attention being callad in the dir«ation of the Profoseor, 
who. with s daKed far-off stare, gaxed, as if in snne absorbed trance, 
at the Lady Pstcat. and then, as if ova rma«t« ring some powerful 
inward emotion, he addressed her in a husky Vinoe— 

"You saw dem Niggers playing at de fair, MaarmF" he asked, 
in a Toioe trembling with smothered emotion. 

" Oh I yes, PntfesBor, and very goitd they were, and they are foiog 
on with their perfi>rmanaes ii<>w, no doubt : though I hear the faior 
closes to-night," she added, with an inoonaequent little laugh. 

Then the oonversation onoe more became general. The Proteaaor, 
however, took no part in it. He sat in his seat asone thnnderatruok, 
overwhelmed a* it with some restjtlesB inward reBcction that com- 
pelled him to silence. Amidst the general hilarity of the table hii 
condition paued nnnoticed. but Misa Fctte bad qnickly detected it. 
Bbe ^deavonred to rouse him by directing hia attention to the 
aapio of turkey's eggs that the servant waa binding him. H* 
made no replv, but, with hia eyes iteadiiy fixed before him, k«pt 
mumbling to nimsoH, 

Mlss Fltts listened. She thought she caught the words, " Oh1 
Golly I Golly I Oh 1 JehoshaphatI 'Im a berry good corner-man.'' 
Then she grew alarmed. She connected the weird change that had 
come over him with the mention of the Nigger Minatrels, Mai ttu 
unaccountable sickening eenee of fear pasieaied her. At that 
moment the tadiea rose. He was still mambling "Ohi Qollyl 
Golly \ " absently to himaelf . and did not even notice her departure. 

Cigars were produoed. The smoke seemed at leni^th Ui ronsc the 
Profeesor from his reverie. He rose, and addressed his host. 

"I think, Biar, 1 will ^n<t take a turn on the terrace. 'In 
berry fine evening," he continued, approaching the window. 

" Do, by all means,'' responded the gonial Sir CaivKr. hointUbly 
shutting out his University guest in the bleak and steet-drivinf 
Oiitoher night. 

In another minute the Professor WM darting over the flower-beda 
in the direction of the Great Park Oatea. At length these were 
pissed. The lights of the market t^wn ehone in the near distance. 

"Oh, Golly 1 Golly I oh. Jehoehsphat ! " hs oricd, throwing up hia 
arma wildly. " Sow 'im 'ab lijngcd to meet dom Nijugrra ; but *im 
will to-night. Yoogh I Yeogh' Veogh! But 'im will to-night." 

Then, in leapt and bounda, dashing over ditohea. past eopiea, and 
through hedgerows, the newly-oleoted Oxford Protuaaor fiew on 
the wings of the night, and, with eager gaxe, ^in breathleM haste, 
made straightway for the Htrket Fair at Balkburr. 

ft* • B • * 

It was late in the evening now. There were shouts of nproariont 
merriment issaing from tlw prinnipal booth, the crowded approaches 
to which showed thrt some nnnsnal attraction within had evidently 
suooeeded in suiting the puhlic taste. A pale lady, with soanty 
aahurn hair, whose dinner -dress was oincealed by an old nlst«r. had 
just paid her two-pence at the doors, and entered the back of the 
reserved seats. Tliis was Miss Ft,Tnt. When the genlleraea had 
joined the ladies thi-Prol'esfor had beetiminstd, and the incident of the 
Terrace having been mentioned, ehe hai, with a t«rriWein"tinot, ooa- 
jeotured uhtre lAe ihaulit finil nim. She had crept otit of the hooae. 
and, to verify ber wont euaploions, made f>>r the Christy Hlnatrsl 
Show. Witn a terrible sen^e of ahime and fear she oast hpr eyoi 
towards the platform. She knuw tho worst. There, partly disguised 
with a huge tiarleique whito tie and oullar, a long swallow. tailed 
white and reil striped ooat trimmed with buttiiui as large as muffins, 
goia^ through frantia gesticnlationa and antics with the bonus, so 
inspired with frenzy that they seemed to work up bis audienco to 
uncontrollable heighta of enthu^taam, in tho comer ecat sat the Pro- 
fessor of Phlebotomy. And the whole forces of hia nature, pent vp 
for years in artificial restraints, appeared to htve broken leoae at last 
in one gigantic roih. The training of his early yonth triumpbantlr 
vimiicated itself. Els borsta of wild and eiabarant htttnoar knew 
no buundi, 

Aa Miaa Fltte leant pale and staggering for aapport urunst tli6 
damp canvaa back of the tent, he again broke into a rieh olHidEls 
and interrojrited one of his brother minstrels with ft banjo. 

"When. Mosis," he asked, "am a tiigeon. not ft pifceonf Y<M 
give 'im up f Den 1 tell you. Yeoght yeogh 1 yeogh It ta irh«a 
im am, Sur, a pigeon-pie ! " 

Thunders of applause followed this sally. Then be seemed fftirlf 
poaaessed. Bnt matters culminated ot last. At a oall from the 
aadjenoe he threw himself into the fantaitio extravaxonoei of an 
impri'mptu clog-ilanco with aunh nnrestrainnd gniti and apUmb. 
that he regularly brought down the honse. Aftor this Ui as Flit* 
oouid wituiHNi the terrible sight no longer. She crept back to h«r 
room at the Shambles by a baok way, bnt ahe knew that aha had loft 
her Professor for ever. 

When inquiries were mide for him next morotonat breakfut, 
she kept her secret. Meantime, the Iroupi ot Christy HtiUtreU 
liad moved on to another and a diataat market-town with HHi 



Apml li, IS88.] 



PUNCH. OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



173 



dMigolpK Ei&L, the «2eouton (of the Wtiu), L. tni R. Nirsut 

costumiem, Colldjsok lire Lock the Pomiiadour uptiiiln'.ertin, E4TTI 
LisireBthe duK-inx-mistrfm, Cla.re80N tun urcut Wi^ Himitcr, Kod 
theMitiiimsl, Mr. OuKE WaLM, — "g ullir it. lit.l.lfi WiLKs,'"— »hoald 
hivf lieen annicaDiied before tho onrtttin to rccpiTo th.o congratnlntioni 
(d the liiit-night atidieaoe on their indiyidiuil imd oomhiimj «q(ioii««. 
Btf elf hu «aoh a leriet of I'omptdanr jilctnrn 1wcn *o<<n on th« 
■taca. I qamtiim whether the courtier oa the Udt *ide oi the itofre 
in wenring (jnitfl the right nort of hnolilB in hiii loft iihoe, and I 
nhonld be d)»ro»e<i to donht the iitriot nocuriicy of on iaoh of the 
trimoiiiii; worn by the lady who etandi at the back of tbeitajre, 
ftlniunt huld<<n by Mim Doftn i.Kci.EBru, who u the tnott winninc 
It k not an eaty malter to exactly dojaifr Thi Pampaetour and uh&riuintly erocefiil figure, and th>.' one txperienoed aotreaa in 

1 thiulc I should all that crowd. I venture t<> draw the attention of Uenra. H. and 
L. NiTHiN to tiie third buttoa>f Cuiity dbbtr'*, no, I tnetui Kof- 



new reoniit. At elerca o'cLoek the Town Hall was pauked with an 
expeotant throng, but the Profeaaordid not put in an appearanoa. 
There wtti BeBroo wid inqoirr for him, but the Comioilteo wore 
relactkDtW cumpeUed ta admit that they "did not know what h&d 
tttffiae at hiTn. "It's Tcry awkward," thejr aoid; and thu 
andietioe had nolkily to diaperae. 

Aiid to ended what ahonid kavo bttn Frofsuor OimtaVAT's Firat 
L«otiu«. 




"A (utttfiil ptoture of the muinen c! 1, ported ia Ftcach Hiitory" ai pi«HnI*d on the itajcootUia Hajmaiket. 



THE HAYMARKET POMP-ADORERS. 

.. -I not an eaty malter to exactly dojaif] 

■moBfit tte entatainments of tho prvwiit [lim^. 

not ba Ttry wide of the mark in dunoribiag ii u " an oJmoat sxtinct 

OpiraSevfft" 

-diat is, an 

Optra B<^t 

braa wtuob 

aooa vMent 

oonvalaion, 

caa*«d by tha 

atnmKly aota- 

gmiiilio dra- 

loatic foroM 

known aa 

yia2» and 

6imi>T. bad 

eapaUcdiww- 

ly aU the 

aprirrhtly 

djaloftue, th« 

fl w f B K 

rhyttuD, the 

eomlo coop- 

let*, the 

ehcdwa ■w*^ 

daaoea. and 

left otJy tone 

broke u poetry 

and auciieut 

wittiaiim>,tho 

mnauu of a 

[vetty ballet 

(io perfect pro - 

■ervation], ono Optra Botifft monarob, Louu-AnhUy-ilu-Fi/Uenlk 

atruKClinr for ciiat'iDce, the dunued materiaU of a ootnio trii) oalled 

SroaM/Uid-Valtair*, iHilerul-J'ollairi, and Oriinni-aldi'AiUi'n, one 

Imalri plaiattTS air tryin); to btoom alone in the Third Act, and a 

fawahiMaof^Hr. ITaviltoh Ci.iitire's melodnunatio oroheatration. 
HowBTar, if Uiia deaoription be deemed inidciiuale, then 1 should 

eall thiapifMof powder and patehwork not an tiUvnl <>i c<>UnboratioD. 

Irat tluMavlt of aoompromiee between MoHira. WiLL^aod Qkurdt. 
Hr..BBxEBOiQi Tkbb cannot be too heartily ooneratulattd on hla 

treatment 01 thia Coin promise 
when it wati uittee in his Lands. 
Poet and Homoriat had done 
their work, — sll the dilleronte 
between "work" and "ijlny," 
—there was some tnli writing, 
rather poetic than othnrwiie. 
and there were Borne rare old 
jokes, — one of them at all 
erentt older oTen than Toi.- 
Tusx himself, into whone 
month it is put, and which, 
durinjt hi» vi«it to Englnnd, he prob- 
ably heard told aa a fpuA atory of 
what Ixid RocimrEB once aaid to 
Kiiif CnAKLa, when the lattt^r spoke 
of Limadf aa "t^ Father of his 
people," and which, perhnp^. Messrs. 
Wills Akp OnrsDr may havu ro- 
memb^Kl as always wtlwime wheu- 

CoU^abb^VelUir^Breokfi.U.t^bioh u4d to be a (Treat t«»ourite 
with amitenra, C'apfain Copp btine; n higlily pojialnr charaotor], 
wti r»-ifi)rmcd. Tho work biIbo cilercd a fair chonco of arriving 
•omcLow or othnr at a itrikin;- tableau at the end of each Ant. 

WbUtt Mr. TaiPi was thinkinfr it over, there camr' a knock at the 
door. "Oom« tna.CAuut'' ciolaimed tAe hnmomua I.esaee of the 
^^nnktt, and Cow-tkh Ciuk did. In a second this aitato ex- 
nwilCT of Ihc (iroiTmor asw what to do with The C>impri)Biiiie, and 
thOM lAia war* to be th« r«al oollaboratora war* siiiiimon''d , To work 
th«y want, and, at tha deaoant of tha oartain on th« frfm-re. all the 
aotltbonlcn^ Mmbi. Tmimxk taA Jo n irao , MOi-painten, th« 




# 



-(ow^f— Vol- 
Uur*, mind, 

not Vollaire, 
— otherwise 
abaolatelyper- 
fact waistcoat. 
ETidcntiy tho 
proverbial 
* ^UUut dt 

ma only a 
aati T ioal 
pbraaa for thn 
radeoeai with 
which tb« 
coartiera 
treated one 
another at 
that period, 
that la, if the 
picture of life 
aad maoBcra. 
taylngt and 
dotn^s of 
£0 ui s t ka 
Fi/twtnth'i 
court, aa 
■hows at the 
Haymarket, 
arc to be 
don't Wiero it 



taken aa aerioasljr. r«prmentinr hittory. But I _. 
dec>: I am atill incbned to my first exprantdopbiona, thattbaaa 
materials are the remains of 
an (ixtinot Opfra Bouffe, 
and ahould there be any 
doubt in Mr. Tsfr's mind aa 
ti) the laatisK attraotiun of 
The Compromise— thuro can 
be none aa to the durability 
of the atullB, whiuh are <u 
the richest and llnest quality . 
— (itio move ia ojien to hito, 
and it is this : let him coll in 
Mr. Dorothy SrKi'IIF.Msolt, 
aiidMr.C'ELLiKE,whohfuiun- 
pablished opcraa in hie head, 
or in his dealt, — not that I 
would intentionally anggeat 
any cini^arison between the 
tworeoeptatleH,— lelhimen- 
KiiKe Aui liriiHoBSBmtiiitha 

ab:ii^n(.'L> of Mr, I'KKS, LBBLri; 
to play Xareitie - on - tha- 

Onn-goirr, and with Mlaa 

Ki-oiuwCK Sr. JoHjr lor 

Za riumpadtmr, tho merry Tim Uucmi of Fimeo and 

t)p,'fa m,uff» wonld ma " it Diunond^ 

might bo tor yrnm, it might bo for ever I," .i firopot 

of mnnioal trnatmont, the prottiert thing in tiie niaoe ia 

the song charminsly and moat pathetically warbled by 

Mrs. Tkki! in tho Third Act. Jack-iv-thi-Box. 




JuinrAMi.— QaoBOB Joxm [wtia has been to sae the revival of 
thn llun uf Luck at Dmry Lano), ia gmatly plcowd with the pw- 
formanoos at the Natkmal Theatr*. lEc aaya that "Not only are 
the ohoapcir parta of the hooaa fall rvary Ulbt, bnt also, aa 
mighl hav li'tn fxptfUd, the dearer portiooa. Toe konei w«r« «f 
ri,urt/> turf Ui louk nfUr ihtir (>wii tlalU a»d boxtt ! " He addtd. 
" You may well call it Drvry L»m, m I Barer «m iBora d4li^M4d 
in iTiy lift ! " 




PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



[Afbil U, 18«& 




THE WORST OF BEING TOO FUNNY. 

C^mtiUHu {u^ U »/ a dieidtdly hamorous rum). "I Mr. Old Hak, that itas a nvoKvr Bar or Paiaa At Old DHjOinr** L*sr 
maSTt Jlr Jova, rHouon— 1 um maicadk tu Suohb orr thim a bit, rrI" 

Ilori (Aw/fmnC ttitmiTtr). " I delikvk tot;, xi Bot ! Tanr jj-i. said what A biastlt littli Cad tou wmbi, tintx tov 'a 
ooiTB. And if tod 'd havi snriEa Fitb Miitdtib latbk, tou 'd havs oau a ntQOLAa Tkiuupb—woa Old Bbown war ooixo 
TO a'wK FOP Z)or* STAns i " 



MI PLAY. 

Bis,— Hftvinu for »ome time part been devotioe the whole of my 
time to the writing of a work inteniled for prodnction on the ttage, 
it i<, I ooDiea* with some ohajiriii and no litUe utoniBhrnent, that I 
flod 1 am Boahle to meet with a ainf )e Manager who ia willing lo 
aooept it. And what makes this relootanoe the more remarkable is 
ihB leetimtiny borne almost aniversally to the eioeUenoe of my play 
hj the leadioft AolJ>r« and Managers to whom 1 have submitted it. 
■^ou can »(* trom the foil owiof specimen* which 1 sahjoin, with what 
a general oh<'ra* o( weloome and approval they have hailed my work. 
If, after reailioa theeeyoa are able to furnish me with anyezplaDa- 
tioa lo account tor the fact that I have Dot only cot been let upou 
on all tid(8 with a vipw lo the prodootiun of my I'iece. but have cot 
even bad '.'at single spplicatiun oaloulattd to lead to any negotiation 
about the ilToir whal«Ttr, I need auaroely add I shall he elad tu 
ruatire it. i herewith also enolose the plot in full as 1 think it may 
iatc real you.* Begging youraltentiTe perusal of the liighly flattering 
opiniotis of my wmk whioh 1 append heret«, I desire to tubtoriM 
myaolf, Your muoh-aurpriaed and diaappuinted oarretpondeot, 

Bes-Buhblet Sbasspkabs. 

" I have read yoor yiect, and have been qnite o&r ried away ^y it. 
The wntlaic is magnilliwat. What a part, too, it that Folioemau e I " 
— WiLSOM Barkktt. 

"A flue play, Yoa onght to meet with no di/ficnlty in finding 
aome one ready tu build yoa a tbeatra to pfoduca it."'~HiiNiiT 
NkTILLg. 

"Subtle, maJMtio, and immeoselv hamonma. If it w«T« not for 
that proooMioQ of ckphanta in the SBrentb Act, I might have looked 
at the part of that Arabian Uiimblt-iigging fellow myialf."— J. L. 
TooLC 



m Public 




re purpottly < 
rill probahly 



fial DB SMiai the play wbca it ii piodacdL — Sd, 



" Your dve heroine* are ohanniDg. 1 ahould like to play them 
■11."— Madox Kesdal. 

"1 never read laoh a pieoe in my life. Take my advioo— write 
another." — Willi b Edodim. 

'■ The character of the Doge ia grandly oonoeiri d. and his death in 
the hydraulio machine ingenious. I cougtatulate you."— BaKHUoHM 
Ibei. 

" A fine play. Ton certaiolv ean artU, Tinr dialogue tlone 
onght to bring any bonae down. — Abthob Ckciu 

" I 'm ture it 'a quite splendid."— LoniB Vrjk. 

" Very oatehing. Ouglit to go with a roar."— Nkllib FaBKKIt. 

" Full of rioh tragio materiju. It ha* grfaliy impraaaed ma." — 

WlLHAH RIONOLB. 

" First-rat« ; ajid what a chance tor a clown in the but three 
Acta 1 "-Hamt Paimk, 

" Powerful and sportiTe. That oat^ract eoane alone ought ta oany 
it through."— HiBKi Kbiiblk. 

" Strong in situation, terse in diction, and eminently dramatic, it 
ought to make the fortunes of haJf-a-drzen Maoagen. I regret, 
however, I can not produce it at the Lyceum."- Hbxst lavmo. 

" An exoellunt play. Altogether a very high-olasa piece of work. 
There are heaps ot money in it. I am afraid, though, it is not auited 
to our requirementa."— W. H. KrjtoiL. 

"A tip-top Drama, the takinra of which, I should tay, would ba 
tremendous. 1 am aorry, though. I can't aee my way to putting it 
up at Dniry J.ane." — AoocsTua Habris, 

"B«-wTitteu, rcocDsideTed, and reoonetraoted, it ought to out op 
into at leaat fire Comic O^ras. I enjoyed it muDh."~CASL Rma. 

" Offers a jtreat and uniaue chance. Wliy nut take a theatre, and 
prodnoa itTouraelf? Shall I aee you on the subject. Thera'a a 
part in it whioh, worked up a bit, mlsbt autt me."— OiLxm Pal- 



Uk. Qoacan'a Hoiut-BviJi Folict.— Hti Plaa of ChAmpaciie. 




Afbil 14, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHASIVASL 



177 



• C{ 




iKifrtsV* 



LATEST FROM ABYSSINIA. 

" T>B KMVS BU SKTIIUl* ntTO TH« IlTTXItlOll.'' 



CHAMBERLAO TO THE CAUCUS. 

"Wis it for this I ttouUed "llie MMhine," 

Bi;<iler nud sb»ittDg, cytiudcr uid piatiio, 
Tb&t it thiuld dkrv, oal cf jmre pirtr aplMll, 

Not to do »njr work that 1 in»lst on ? 
" A tatur stand on cod ftt being liiltd ? " 

Bit(«low, thut'i nutHmsto the Citiiaus Idekinir 
At iU creator — me! I 'm rnany riled, 

And irimehiidy will havB ti> tiiko n liokiBf. 
Ii the Cmnnaian indeed played out ? 

N«y, hoys of It rum mag-Bra, they shall not bknlk na, 
I '11 DOW a n«w Maohina, UuioniBta sbonl ; — 

"The CftQciu (then) is dead i longltvo— thsOftaeatl" 



I 



HOT OUT OF THE WOOD. 
{d Pagt/rom an Anti. (FAim Di»ry-) 

10 1.11. — Aj ■ Member of the Society to Wttnh 
Inebriktai, 1 aooepUd &n invitation t^ lanch with mr 
friend CUBEKCi LvsH, who is a wrll-knuwo faabituiJ 
dronkud. The Iiut tine I law my triuud wai a little 
Ute one nijtht, or rather morninjr, nt tho Oood Conati- 
tntion Club, when ho waaaalwp, nndwlicrolnplainedto 
him tho atory of a Tlirce Aot Drama 1 contemplated 
wrilinj^. Ho wa« then enrtainly intoiinitnd— Tfiry in- 
tjiioaicd— for hn dcnlnrrd that what 1 hiid been t<^!linr 
him wai " boah." I hop" he la bettor now. I ahaU 
take thia Note-bnok, and, if posRible, Jot down taf 
obierrationa nnder the table. 

11 *.K.— Have Joit lat down to breakfast with 
Cu&incK. Ha it M lober aa a iudre. We oommenoed 
the meal with a toda and Iraudt a-piMe. So fat from 
gettini; int-) oiu heada, it Bteadied ni. 

tl'^Q.— Still (luite HjthL CLtKF.itcE muit amuiinK. 
We have been trying vartuua atatcli. but witbvnt feoUng 
the lighteit— I mean Blii(ht«t— ill cilecti. 

I'i MOOW. — Jnst had lilUo Punch a I'.i Jlcmiainr. Very 
BOodalufl. NoBortof bad 'feet — ! mean cf- feet— tbon^ti 
why iboaldn't call 'feot— don't know. 

1 P.M.— Watdbing Lvan carefully. We both taken 
lot of wine— yea, lot of wine. Hut whaterthat f What- 
erthatP 

I. —I'm happy— no, mean, Ter onhapprl Maktnjt 
Ihiah note nnner table. Watched oarelnllv. Tou 're 
quite inber. Yon 're sober a* I am. fiftUadu 'qwrment. 
Tired— going 'sUeep. 



New Reidiho or Sbaespuri, BcaotnwD or Ur. 
GoscHBii'fl Coi(TEit>'iinr Schkiik. — " Whea ahall we 
Threes meet a^aio f " 



HOT BT M. CLfittENCEAU, 

Dmirn, by a mediocrity t Great Hearen I 
IDiLtxK ia fifty, 1 'm but forty-teren I 
" Tontb will be eerred," the athletea aay. No doubt I 
Bnt in my eue, alaa I yoath ii Eernd— out 1 



SUOOTINQ NIAGARA. 



It appears that en ■ recent ocouion the orowda thronginK' to see 
M. FniuPPOnUDT'e famoos picture of " Niagara " were ni eici'saivu. 
and on beiac ^wealed to by the aulborities to " u inula te," au abso- 
lutely diainolinM to bnd)re a single inoh, that urd<<r bad to bo reilured 
by the inteiTmtloD of the Police, who finally eBtubliabed it by olear- 
iog the entire building. With a view. h.>w(^rer, tu deding with 
farther pouible In vaiiona, likely to rnult from the growing attrac- 
tiveneKSuf the ehuw, Mr. Jobs 11oi.liiii)«beai>, its ever bnainGSB-iike 
and spirited Mnuatrcr, iutt-nds. it ii said, to iiaae the fiiUowing 
notioe. which urrtuinly stcma ciuonlnt«d to minimiae the naisanoe of 
which II profeaAca to dLspoic. 

Evfiry rMpon^iblo person presenting himself for odmtaiion will be 
oatlird npnn to sign a cwitrBut at the imr undertaking for himself, 
and if secetujy tor his family or Ibe parly aooompuiying him, not 
to paOM for a single moment to rotu at any portion of the Cyolo- 
nma^ bnt to keep muring cnntinnally of a lUady trot through the 
building, wbioh must he preserycd uniformiy from the moment of 
paaitng ue turnstile to that of reaching the door of exit. 

Aa Uila will probably nwctsitate aomo phyaioiJ exertion, inv alida 



Uid the infirm and aged, unless accompanied bjf their familr eoli- 
oitor, or by aome other respectable i^erson who will be reeponsible foi 
their keeping np the pace, are warned ofl. 

To ensnre the unceasing and lively continuance of thia movement, 
tt will ha supervised by an able body of Police providtid with tnin- 
oheons, Msieted by piolted and wperienotd Qnardsmea, armed with 
filed bayonets. 

There will bo a short oomprehensive leotnre every minute and a 
half, giving the history of America from the cu-lieat tiiii«a to the 
arrival of Colusisds, the details of the War of Independence, the 
strife between North and South, the history of Canada, and the 
Statistics of the Fisberies and general population. As thi« will be 
ahonted almost oontinuousiy, fr>im a speak iujr-trnmi>et, 'Very visitor, 
though hurrying along on Lis round, will probahlv oatoh some of it. 

No flying questions may be put to the man in toe rostrum. Anr- 
one pnt.ting the lootarer out by bis interruption, will himself be 
immediati.ly put out by the Police. 

It is believed that, by a strict adherence to tlie above regulatiooa, 
the whole of the sifrht-Reeing public of tho Metropolis may in due 
lime have an opportunity of viBitiu); tho allow, if wilh some rapidity 
of muvfiuent, at least without tha inuonvonienoo attendant opoa a 
struggle and a ornah. 

Vvsti.\.i, Us. BoLuixMjnuD itiiuimiTi ill Tnon 

who do not feel thcmiDlYci up to a hit of brisk exercise, have not a 
highly-trained oar. or a reserve of nervons energy, but who. most ai 
all, laiOt a prantiied eye, capable of taking in instantly the widest 
ranges of distant eonntry at one sweeping and comprehensive oyclo- 
ramin glance, not In eome and help to btoilc up all aoceea to hla 
"Niagara," but quietly, retaonahly, and wisely, 

To Stat Odthde. 



■ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABL 




[Apsil U, 18S8. 







SUNDAY DIVERSION. 

OaraU. "Good-bvi, I turn oo if now. I 'vs hot to PKirABs MT StBKOii — <un> 
I BoiCr KNOW wH*T I "m to Prraob aboot." 

Zayman. "Ob, — about Tsm UiNirru, — ahd tbkx ooicb OVxb TO LtntOB." 

THE CHXmCH AND THE 8TA0E. 

It u 6»peoted lh»t ConToeatioa will be epecially rammoned. «nd u ioon u possible, the 
cue being urB*nt, to consider tbe (ndd*n nppearanco of cpen hafor in tho thentrioal world. 
The itolot* di hiTTtlifo combiirfniio having been lonji afo repealed, ipplioation will be ni«de 
to PulikmcDt for Imivb to invent a apcond act— n very '"oifT 'ir>i"'tie one— to meet the 
pnwnt tituslion. It appesra that the PontABion is epreading in the Strand, where it tir«t 
attr*otcd comidorable altention at the Cper" Comique Theatre, when Mri. B«ttMiEii Biwrb 
introdae^-d ,iriam tu tho publio. Subsequently it cropped up in* freeh place on the opixnile 
tide of the To«d at the Strand Theatre, where it oalled lt»elf Airty Annie. The Bishopit, 
therefore, will prohaWy ootuolt together with a riew to patting down this alnnning rp>»fth 
of Ariatu-iim on the »t4ge, Tho Two HoutM of Conrooation will Tiiit dtSoialljr the two 
boitiM ol enltrtainmtnt aboTo- mentioned, — Opera C<;mique first and Stnnd the next 
ITuunt,— in ordoi to pronaunoe upon the merits of the queilion m a whole> 




HoiisLT Uono vom Bn Jokjt Liisbock.— "8bat npl" 



HOW IT STRIKES THE CLOCK. 

A CioCK aeei s lot who discreet! f 
K»ep* his handa well in front of hit faco, 

Whilii the danoert are footing it teatlr, 

Or rMlins seonrely and sweetly 

In tho hoDy-hnng nook, which v> neatly 
Is not qni(« filled op by the ease. 

The eacdlei stand strttiaht in the aconees. 

The boards Like a iooking-Klass abine, 
And loTingly mbicQnd JoaN seei 

To details of supper and wiM. 
An early arrival is taken 

By nwiaut hijsttws in t<iw. 
And, with minlideuyf shamefully shakeB, 

He stands fate t.) fii'e with a row 
Of flotsam and jetsam foraakeD, 

Whose heyday is Kone long aMt 
Who now lie in wait. like the Erakcn, 

To drag buoyant hopes dawn below. 

There '« a youth who wonld gladly annnl it, 

Though he sticks, now he 'atere. U\ hia tryst, 
With a collar that presses his RQllet, 

And a ^love that is strained by his fist. 
While the other, however be pall it, 

All efforts is fain to resist. 
And be knows he is certain to niall it, 

As h« gives a last desperate twist. 
And the button flies ofi like a bullet. 

And the gloie unrla away from his wrist, 

Tharo '■ a moody man out on the landing 

Who bite* hia moostaohea and swear*. 
For A« is in aohtuile standing. 

And ihi *s sitting up on the stair*. 
And without any glaai he can well see 

The story so prettily told, 
That somebody else's is Euib, 

As dainty in manner and mould 
Aa a shepherdess fuhion'd at CbelsM 

In ob&rming ohoioe otuna of old. 

And the well-polished floor waxes shinier, 

And feet that were tiny look tinier. 
Like the white ruee's wind-dnvcn petsJs, 

Or tho lawn by the blown apple- tree ; 
And the band to its business settles. 

And tbe danoe is aU glory and glee, 
And rubiound ioair 's getting winier. 

And smiles with a courtesy free. 
lAke a heavenly dredger the 'oello 
Sooops all the soul out of a fellow. 
Till wildly he worships the snowy-neck'd fay 
Inherrirginal white, like the blossoming May, 
With her ourls ihnn the woodUJUWOOdnaltr, 
More precious than «i>ell-gui!id«d mtak, 

More bright than the eye Of the i»T- 

Then tupper, with oraoker and motto — 

Oh, the power of those sibylline leave* — 
When yon say what it's miifih safer not to. 

In an ear that too gladly receives. 
And two anrreptitiona young creatursa. 
With the backs of their heads for their fea- 

Like a Janus admiring himself, CtUM, 

Turn years to a moment of blisses. 
Of heart- bre&king, heavenly kisses, 
Regardless of prudence's preauhere. 

Papas, and position, and pelf. 
And I turn on my time very slowly. 

To give the younft oouple a ohanoe. 
For there 's something in sorrow that '• holy. 

To a soft-hearted Clock at a danec. 

Then the ehaperant ynwn, and rrgard no 

With wistful and sleep- red dt nod sfes. 
And the youngster* would gladlv rat«rd nw, 

As if it's my fault that time ilies. 
And dreaming of danMS and marriagM, 

Of rivmls. tobaup.i. or bed. 
They seek in inatalineiits their oarriagM, 

And tho vioiiin of pttAsure has fled. 
And, quiet as tho ohambfr of illness. 

The ball-roum grows dim and furlom. 
And I tiak cinos again in tho tttllncss. 

As tho wind brinK* tho rain with tho Bonl. 




POEMS FROM THE POLICE COURTS. 

Ko. l.-FREDEKICE. RICHARD, AND ROBERT. 

It wa* an EasUr Tn'tdsj', and little Bob bdiI Dick 
Fired forth t« Uke a holnUj' with Brother Fsebebici : 
Sow HicaAbD, in the rseh resolve ci'ire gUded j'uutha to ape, 
Cune out inoongraniuif f^trbed io n looen nnd ample Mpe. 
(Fall itruigelj' olad was tli« simple lad in bit aristoctatio oape '.) 

"TheTowei wo will visit," they Towed. in eager looos ; 
"Aod rtftd the lesson of tho Past from its (trim bisbiHo ttoneil 
We'll piMB ufmod the fatal block, aod f««l the dicttJ axe. 
And tludf tlie oo&strii«tion of th«< tlitiiiLbwr«wn and iiit rMluI" 
(For tli«M, is Koth, thrlU Kcntle youth— ctp«aially lk« radu I) 

So on thrfr way they wended, from 8onthwark to the Tower, 

And bccd'd nut (ha cbaii|itD|f muula of slt-et. and ihiiie, and ahowcr ; 

Until, in IJuecQ Vii<tuiia Slrpul, tliov halted at the dooti 

Of th»t aogusl tatahliibment— Iho Civil Sen-toe Stores. 

(" YTbai if," they crind, " we went iuids these oelebratod Storu.") 

Into the StOTM th«T unnteNd— and P.ohhtit'ii eyes are round. 
While BiCOiBs'i nmtb ia open widv in wonderment iirotouud ; 
Tbeir artleaa pnttle vine ft tBiJe from haideocd tava «bu liit : 
Where'er Uiey pue ther Imv* baUad ft MSM of si<melhinr— miss i. 
(As if the Joyt of beppy bon ttWM GStU Semnts missed Ij 

Thej eanaot bear to tow them, and to detain tba ihre« : 
Whtob, for •ome cefteon, eeeou to oaet ■ gloom apoa their giat. 



Toys rattle out of Rduk&i fut— while ap the sletrve of DiCK 

Is laellectaaUf ounoealed— a silver-moiuited etlok I 

(flow, the deepest elecve can ne'er deceive by hvbaarini ft itiok.) 

A model looomotjve bad Bob diegorifee next; 
By which good Brother Fbedisick u tore tarprisnl— and Text. 
But Fa&DEsin'a fraternal h«ftrt eottains a liutd shook 
When from tb« folds of RicaaKs'e oapo thvy eitrioate— a clock ! 
(Eight pounds and more was ile pnoe at Store, — be waa qiut« ft 
Judge of a olookl) 

See, from his shatneleei pocket baigea a pint bot-tel-~ 

'Tie lavender— though be protMta ho can't endure the emell I 

And the lad's ill-eotlen gains include— uiAy. nobody can think — 

An umunuming china-pot, labelled " Pomslde of Zinc 1 " 

[What boytah eyee see siigbt to prize in ointmeuta made of imc f] 

Next PsOKaiCK, all euntritiun. aoba how he, too, has ainocd. 
In >e-oreling a box of sweets, and oysters — only linntdf 
And here thcT fancy they have iirobed the linila of bit ibainc ; 
Bat, diting clecper. disinter a pnatu^ipbio frame 1 
(And he pulls a face— for a penoiUcaee baa followed tbe photo- 
frame.) 

The UansioQ Iloaee they 've entered, theee ymatg relnotftot ripe. 
To hoar tbeir awful doom pronounced by Aldermanic lipe:— 
Tbeir bad behariour is dcsiTibcd in t«rmi eitremely oaudtd. 
And Bob and Dies are both disobarged- but Fku^cx ia 

remanded I 
(Should you oare to ledc, by to-morrov week, ytm will bear when 

FsBDnucx'8 landed.) 



I 



181 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAllIVARI. 



[AruL 21, 1B88. 



THE INHARMONIOUS BISMARCK. 




Smprtu (nnptV Whftt ihtll we do with our ^Borhterr 
Siimarek. Don't know. If th4 wi'Idiog '» to oe, 
Wlien over joa hand her 
To Prinoe Alex*ksiir. 
You '11 then have to do without mt .' 

Ememhlt, 

Empr«$*. J What th*1l we do with out dnughter ? 
Bitmarck. \ What will the; do With their daoKhterF 



I Spoken.) 
Siimarck. I thick jcnti Uajettf ii liagiag ft littUr oat of tnne. 
Empreii. Pardon me, Frint^e ; bat it ii jron who >re k greit d(*l 
too (harp. 
Siimarck, Um— well— wo '11 take two btn' mt, uid Uun tiog 

tofrrther 

Both (in wnuort). Yaterlandl m«in VaterUndl 

LaLi-e-tyl ULi-e-tyl 

[ L^j'iiL-UiHg' 



TnruiBl MoBi^t!— ATr, Punch tbouRht >o. He raid to. 
The Ifajnr i» a Qood T«npler. and But a EDiffht Errant. Perltutly 
MiuitaWrj u far a* the Major prt^i* la oiinocrnnd. Itut bow 
about " the Invotred Muddl«, i.c, The DcpartmentA, and the ooc- 
otiulonf' Now it the time (or the Quratiuncn Uuahoolpii and 
Chablei to rice u one man, and inaiit ou being euppliod with 
'/<u-/i«ir js/ivmation." 



"Bl in TiUl!"'-The Ijwt o( the " NocU* Ambrotiana^" will 
take plue when Heidamee Aliuhi, AiiToijirmc Sikslixd, H<«r«. 
Sin* BtKvm. Llotd, and SAsruir, and other eminent imit^ters, 
unite tujcetber to give Mr. Auuhiisk Aimi:! a Tetttmoitial Conoert on 
hii retiriait from (irofeMional life. He hu all hia life been KlTioit 
Canoerti, lo now it ia but fair that one ahonld be sirefl to hiai. 
This ii good notice beforehand, an the Ci>noBrt ia not till Jnne. 




AFBtL 31. la&s.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



183 



VOCES poruLi. 

AT A TURKISH BATH. 

SciHK— TAe HiJdlt Room of a I'urkUh Bath. SuMtuJ 
light. On btTKhet, and in fotding-fhairt, Sathtrt 
or* Ulflrl^ tnn tiCmded in rarioui itajti of limp- 
Htu, Tht uiual TurhLih Bathing Bore t> heard 
ditcnuriing to anyone he can induca la iiiirn. In 
aremole earner ua SomDolcnt Bather teho knmc* 
him, bat Irvitt, by lyii\y Unv, to trade rtrognitina. 

The B. S. Yw-fmor* thouthl/»Uy)—y-y^. E»tra- 
mdinajj th(! freedom with whieli mi' porea ftot 1 I aMure 

yav, 1 'm not here one minatd before 

[ProrMdt to dtieribe remit in detail. 

Sni^ UA Eldetlr Neophyte ; h« fetli thy anrf ifranpt, 
it Mnf hi> firtt appeiiranee, and, niring to ihr gloom, 
andhuoien ihirt-iightedneu, teaU htmlelf Upon tht 
Somnoteiil Bather's irgi. 

OT* S, 5. (™ii«i). Conf lt«nUy,8!i,IUiiBkyoa'U 

be Btar«' oomiortsbte loinewhern eler I 

The B. B. Why, bless my soiilj I cmtht t« know that 
Toio»— it ii DoiuiKK I To think iit our o*in(t in ths ume 
room «1! thii while nnd never suspeotinx it I Wi-h I 'A 
kcowc before— mnke* it m maoh tan t«dious, mMiag 
with aotneone 7011 know, eh ? 

8. S. {yaitrning]. Eiootly — oh, very muoh to. 

{Cruttf* hands behind head, and plotta tytt, 
B, B, Difflaolty i» to reousiiiit.' frltuwi hrre, y'know. 
S. B. (Co hitmelf). Cui^ button- hule 'em, at any 
ratol iTotheKB.] yoHBwm to mniiiiee il! 

B. B. Oh, I knew yourroioo in aininnte— "Thnt'i 
Dobkeb's voice. I'll lay a hundred- pLiund note I" I 
tbmiKkt. The wDa<icr is, yon didn't recogntw mine— 
1*TC Men talkini; lUl the time, more or less. 

S. B. {Jrawiically). Maet yoa, thoagh ? It ti odd, ai 
joa tax, 

B. B. I 've oft«ra foond that toiDe people's ears hava 
an aitonithiDg lack of delicate perceiition. For inctanoe, 
tlure's a very dear and old Iriend of mine — yon may 

Itnow him 

[Till* him a long hiitvry about hii Frimd't aural 
dtfit^ieneiet. In (he meantime Iht Elderly Neophyte 
Aim eitabliibed himself, in tome trepidntifn. on a 
bmieh, with his hviid resting on a Utile wooden block, 
tehieh he tries hard to think comfortable. He has 
a dry roof to his mouth, a licUino noie, and a 
general lensation of tin^ting. At the Bore'* loiee 
ceases, a silence fall*, whtk the E, N. finds depret. 
ling. A Stout Gimlleman observes "Phew!" 
occasionally. A clock ticks, and water drips in the 
distance. A htad clusc to the K. N.'b sigh* in a 
heart-hrak^n nuinner, and a ReatUt* Bather rites, 
and begini to pnwi up and doum like a eaged 

UMlf. 

Enter an Attendant with peiottr fupt of water; the 
E.N. drains one greedily, lik* a tkipwr«eli^marin*r, 
and then ha* another. 



Tk» B. B. {for the general hene/U). NeTtt drink when 
I 'm in the bath. lUnse the moutn ont, yea; bnt drink? 
no. I had an old aunt— 

[iMoZM a fearful story of the effect of told teater 

lakm miemally upon an old aunt— the E. N. 

begins to be alarmed. 

The B, B. (taking adimntage of anothrr tiUncc). 

'Nother thing mm ought to be most narefnl sbont, and 

that ii^ncTrt like Turkiih lialh 'cept nnder medinBl 

adviuu. Now whnn /wnntt/mi^ rondic^al man— [lUtcrihee 

interview at length. 7'he E. K. reflects, ttith terror, that 

he has omittsd to consult hit Dix-tnr.) Doiuutn, toy dear 

fellow, j'oii'ro aettine dmway — very danaemna rrractioe 

tkat, illghteitthmB the matter with your heart, and phit 



tliat,il 

— it*ii 



all over with you \ Why, I knew iv roan enoe — 
{oiree an account 0/ a man teho nearly died, lehich 
decide* tht E. N., wAii Aim hfn j<i*t dropping off, (u 
Amp atoake at all haiari*."] Yon oan always t4<ll if it 
■fTftawith TOO— if you've any lingiDK in the ear*, or 
duziotM, or labonrinx of breath, or faiotneM, anything 
of that aort— well, ue aooner you're out, the better — 
that 'a all I 

£. N. JUy gyraptiunB I {Thinks he leould be sham- 
pooed at once, if he leiu a iitlle more enre tehai it leas like ; 
Jkcide* t9 M imntone elie be operated on first.) 

Shampoctr (Jrawing curtain at arch, leith a certain 
grimneee). Beiady for two geatlomen now. 



^it^'jtfeir'^^ 




: 



PICTURE SUNDAY. 

" Dok't jont AWAT TET. Tou 'va on'xK nr ho Cbiticism, I HAvm A raw 

DaTI vrtLL Ett«BE tlS— tlUI TO 1I<IKI AKT ALTXRATIOX, TOD KKOW." 

"Ob, *b— bdt hot timb to I'AmT voca Picrciia aiL ova* xaAitt !" 



Bather* rite, teith the air pf "ti-detanti" -tmmon«d la the Coh- 
tae eurtaint : the B. N. iisten* onxioutly 



[2W. 

eirrgtrie, and pate betiteen 
for lehat can he heard. 
Firtt Shampoorr {jipparmtly an autlrre rharocUr). On tlkat alab, &x, U you 
please t Lay rieht down. 

7'Ai' Suited {of a ehntty diepoettion). Eh ? oh, yea, 1 Me ; to be (Ore, yea, 
yot. {A dull hissing is heard.) 

The Chatty S. t*ooa hare summer on na now, I— a- was noticing only 

T(tiit<^day how {hi* roiee it swldenly extinguiihed by what letm* to be a 

ouck'l of icater splashing over him— sptullert and gatp*, UnfOiinti* on part of 
E. N., tcho longi to hiar htm speak again.) 

Autl. Slianip. [ignoring this concereational opening). On yoor tiieAi Sli ; 
it '» your rtaht 1*k /want f 

Second Shomp, {a laUcatii'e Prrinn, to Att Sisbjecl, ttho teemi slightly 
reeervedi. Yoo'T* 'ad a rei'lar Sne tuni of it to-day, Bir— oomtn' ufl yon 
Iwaatiful! {Seluetant frwet <if tutent from Suly'tct.) Xoie over. 8ir, pltaie. 
Bin tu this noo Paaoraauur— Kiagrer, Sat They teQ me it'i fust-rate. 
(Inarticulate gnmt from B.) Water too 'ot for you. Sir? (Tremendoui 
splashing, with tome puling arut hloieing.) So ttmo for goin' utehtiHicin' 
myiielf. Bir ; ^t unuunh tu do 'ere, Sir t . . l.ooka a little tender^at foot, 
Sir— ohiropodut on the premises, Sir, send him to yon? No, Sit? Very good, 
Bir— Now 00 your faoe. il yon '11 be ao good 1 

The Chatty S. {iivli*tinctly). I— «r— ha, rappoae yoa 're pretty f-fuU joit 
now. eh T 

Aust, Shamp. (shortly). Alwayi buay 'ere. Sir. Sitnpl 

Talk. Shamp. (affecltonateltr). 'Are a little sonp on your 'ed. Sir f Some of 
our B«ntlemen don't oaro for soap on their 'edi. Smir'ler, isn't it f 

The S, S. (fiiirtting out again tuddenly). Capital c«Id plnnire they 've (tot 
here I one of the locgMt in I»ndan— go in directly they're done shampooing 
yoa, Bwim ooroM, and alow your porw, came ont the other lide freah as a daisy 
—that's what /do I 

B. X. {to himeeff). Cold water— and I can't swim. 0/1, Lor' 1 
^Prom the Shampooing Chamber art noic proceeding luuTufi more alarming 
than ever, at of a lirely tune being eigarouely thumped leithjlslt upon on 
iinproletlsd body, followed by Kkat it apparently a tmart castigalion. 

The B. B. [meditaticely). You'd think a man would ho bliuk and blue all 
over, after that, wouldn't yon '( But, except in a v«ry few oasea, 1 don't know 



■ 




LONDON IMPROVEMENTS. AN OPEN SPACE." 
PRIZE PDZZLE. TO FINT) HER WAY ACROSS. 



thftt moh u efFeot erer ftotniUy followi. I 'm 
not rare, tbongb, that the prauura on the 
ribt 

ZiUPiwrlinjt Hither e/«p(AiVA(nirf(»o{/(/eii/y. 

Vint Shimpfioer apprurt. " Li'mm 
S<twuh t—rtl order ,t. Sir." SUiut 
Oentlrmitn aatUfor witter, ami u >rrve<l 
fry Sfrtinii Sluimpo'itr. Oriet of dittreu 
art htard from Iht Shiimpooinf Cham- 
ber. TAe E. N.i droion by a horrihle 
fiurimilion,ap]irtMifhet the arch, and tanks 
in. Tht inlfruir preierili a MuTmu-like 
appeorantv, and on a j/rey "taiile tiah 
tat BcHrrM HubJMt il lUlinfj, toaptd 
from /uad to foot, aicoiting the return of 
tht Operator in tuiUn rrtignation. The 
Clmtly I'ersoQ it aUo nrgtecttd for the 
moment, and may bt faintly perceii'ed 
under the douche, itaggering blindly, and 
fiuping out — '■ That K>ill da ,' " 

The A mo Shampooeri {returning liy different 
doort). C«Jlcd KW>T for a moment. Sir. 
(They jMi-pcm* tht h. N. itanding pHriJled 
•n centre of floor.) Take you next, Uir f In 
■Bft^ht' BUDule. Sir. 

TK» E. y. {ferbty], Er-TMT well {teilh a 
dfijieralr resolution). I— I'm ginBg up«t«in 
to KPt my i»*loh— I mem. mj «je-g\i»BM — 
back &Eiun prHFiitly I 

[Buthei upitairt, Jliet into hit bar, and 
drrttra for dear life at tcene cUittt iu. 



Just One Uora. 

Sat* QtORoK Jottv, "I call the Inoome 
Tax Ute ' tin buka,' uiil, permit me \o aAA, 
it on^t to be paid on the uai!. " [Tlianki. 
OuiTinit any man ol yuui» in this week.— - 
JEftJ 




JAPAN IN LONDON. 

(with AruLOUIIS TO UIIIT lUHTK.} 

Waica I wish to impart 

And I make do mist^e, 
That for Jnpanese A.rt, 

By town, mountaio, or lake — 
ThiH new .Ispanee is pwinliar. 

And takes, aa yon may lay, the oake. 
Mra-Piw it hiB name, 

And alao Mok-Ti-Mbe, 
With regard to that aame 

YoQ ouuld hardly infer 
That his imile was eo ohildliVe vsA wily. 

Ail frequent remarkid to Whist-Lkk. 
For in Bond Strtet ware shows 

By WniaT-LEB, a great man. 
Who, as ereryone knows. 

Holds the cult of the Fan, 
And is nothing if not Japaneay — 

Thoagh he nu not be«D to Japan. 
But Mkn-Pes has been there, 

And from fami^d Tokio 
Has brought bttj3k yery rare 

Little piLictinffs, and to I 
HeiB are dunty mid dtlicate dry-pointe — 

A thorouRhiy Japanewj Show. 
There's a Japsneae bloom 

In a Jnpaneee frame. 
And B Japanose room, 

And a Jarane^e name; 
There nrealmond-eved.TapaneMl)esntiM, 

And many more J apt I ooold Dame. 
This il why I remark. 

That MKN-p£eiiure most be 
JilBt as fund of a luk 

As the Heathen Chinee: 
And it unyuDu venture* to doubt it, 

Jut drop into DowuaawKix'a and *ee. 



TAKEN BT SURPEI8K. 

Aix the pleasure, with none of the dla* 
oomfort and a saving of 99 per oent. 1 I In- 
tending^ viaitora to Paria who are roiog there 
merely to see Let Surpn'tei ifu Divorce, will 
avoid »ea-«iokDeaa and other miwiriea of 
travelliog bv taking a ticket for The Royal^ 
Theatre. 8uho, where M. t'oanBLin is Una 
week playing in the ubuve-msntioard laogfa- 
able farue, whiah is just now the luooeu in 
Paris. If yonoannotgeta/<iii/euiiif'o»-cA»iir«, 
or baleon, or anv ioge, ask for a Boite d Sur- 
prise! Only a few nights more, bo hurry apt 
And then ion loir, M. CoiiCEUH, et au rtvoir. 



A Song of the Lost S«atoii. 

lA Long Way after l\t Lturtate.) 

WniTiii hath na in hta net, 

Will he pass, and we forget? 
April mna ariie and set, 
But we have not tei-n one yet. 
Spring the gift la 8pnn( Uie debt ; 

Even ao I 
Spring it ia for whioh we fret — 
Spring— 'tia but a vague rBgreU 
Stitl 'tia dark, aud ould. and wet; 
Winter hadiUi ^arb us yet, 
Wliat M Spring ;-— for wo forfet ; 

An t woe, woe I 



Merelt a SnooEOTiox.— A Conferoaoe cf 
the Women's Committee of the International 
Arbilratiim and Peaoo Awootation t* an- 
nuunoed, at which the followint oveati'n will 
be disousacd ;—" £hr what Method ean V««a«ii 
lieat Promote the Qraae of latanutioBftl Ooo- 

oord?" UowwonLlitb«iiUuTtri*!lh(ddJar 
their tonguea ? 



AFRO. 21, 18SB.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. 



185 



OUR BOOKINQ-OFFICE. 

toni-*ipi''^t*'i OTiDp It lilt, iind ju«t now nil Iho nrt, 
"kiiUr ind MrL IIahcucft bjth On and Off the SlaJO." 
Tir<f VuluEB^t, r>it tiiHr pifro will nU »^e4 be tiifd inie^tUft 
Tbe binding i< Hcontrio, Uid Ihe Publuhet it BlNfUiT. 

I rtoPFED into pootiT quite Daturallf , u may be fathered 
from Uia «ur fbw of the Tene ud facile rhrthn ; bnt " Woa, 




" Turn ai Turn »baut." 



Ptcwnil " or, if he doesn't " Woo," ha may eome to frief. 

nmnatiiiK bwik Zrt BuirROFThaTeproduoeil. Theananjre- 
BMnt ii <'icrlleut. It lemisds me of uite of thuse duoluRue 

Klastkinineiila wliere the ladf oomcH on the staft tint, and 
M ber ipeMb, and aolu ; then f nf " She," and enter on the 
other tide " He, who immediately fives his aj)©eoh, hia »olo, 
and then exit "He." Ko-enter She; 1*i Her enter He: 
dialnRne, duet, dnnoe, and exit one of them, and ko on, nntfl 
the final duet, and cartain. Most of it is mirth-moring ; 
hf re nnd there i> a tonoh of penoine pathoa ; aU i« intereetinB, 
and the namtive ia directed thrun^fiont hj tbe beat potnble 
tMle. To ijaote one of oar natiotiai modeni ballads, — 

" They wouldn't hurt a bahj, 

Tbef 'n ■ pair a> jaa can truit." 

Bnt tbe pnblieatian of thie book ia a death-blow to i RTeat 

nnnf theatricat raamtturi. It give* to the world neatlf all 
the atorien which were the propertj of a select few, ana an 
unnity to their privileged poiaeREon in the way of dinncr- 
partie* for many yenri pant. Directly that ttorehonae of 
profeeaional aneodotc, Mu'i'iina McMrinticic, «hall at any 
time hereafter commence one of his many excellent atone* 
about the amnainK Comedian Bob linUEB, he will he imme' 
difttelj jntemipted by hie fellnw-gneats with criea of, " Oh, 
yes, we 'to read that in the BAKcanns' Book-" There is only 
OB0 Qbance left for him, and that is to introduce bin (took-inr 
tatdo by tirnt mentioning the Bn«y R,'g Book, and then cMBf 
1:^ own vnriion of their etoriei, affecting t<i »«t them rirht OB 
TKiou* point*. The BASriwi-Ta' reminiiioeneeii have already 
ran to three editions. Who st*rt*ni the ReminiBooniing 
Craze ? " Kettle b«e«n it "—that u Kdmustds Mitsdi, and 
his rolume* went off like aleatn. There were maay others; 
and then cam^ F»)Tn'«. Ni>w 1 hear that Mr. loout is (oinK 
to puhliKh hi« reminiaoenoeA. which Hr. JOSDI HaIMH ia 
Boawflllinjt for him. The publiahinK season (rf 1887 and 1S88 
will tw known as " Sacred ti> the Mtmoriea." Mr. R. CoKxar 
Oradi hasjustoonolndedashort series ol entertaiuin;r auto- 
biof^aphical aneodotsa in Murr/iy'i Magazine. "McKaiT 
oome up, forsooth ! RO to ! " Why did he brins them to w 
ahrnpt a InrmiuatioD? But perhapa be did it onAfr. n'elitr'i 
epiatolary priuoipio of " pulliuK np with a jerk," uid then the 
rtader " wuhea as th'^ro worn mom of it." 

I ■entianed Joseph BoswELL-UArroH jost now ; I '11 do 
K tgiia : for the aake of tailing anyone wno may be ROing a 
failmy jouraev,^ that he will get cioitfl aiity pnr oent. of 
IstM«*tout of Ilia outlay of one ahilling in purchaaing TA* 
jliity >tnriUr, at W. H. Bviti'a bookiUU. It U not so 



sensational u the title w«uld lead t«u to snppoee. Bot Jt is a good storr 

well, piotureeciuely, and dramatiually told. 

An interesting and amusingly written little book — still little, though 
THTised and enlarged bir the anthor— is Mr. Blidm' 7'Kf Enrmiet <if 
Bookt. Poor Books 1 What a variety of foes they have had, from their 
own authors downwarda, and atill have. There is one chapter devoted to 
the Bookworm, which ia natnrally hiatorioaUy inttreating to the present 
writer; and 1, iruti fut pari*, firotct against our family title being 
inolnded among tkt namw of thote who are the enemiea vf books." 

Good Books are, indeed, the Diet of.Wonns, for the Book Worms family 
are great devonrers and digester* of hooka. And why F— beoanao we love 
them. On my father's side i bvlong to the jonmaUdevonrera, or paper- 
eating Bpeoiea. My tirt was Sir Pkbtekax Abohiom. Hia father was the 
Kru'Iile AxonnTM, and his grandfather joitly celchratrd cvprywhcre aa 
the Paniueum. My mother was the eharming, severely critical, witty, and 
aooomplished tKcoPHORA PgEciiosPRETKLLA, with Greek and Hebrew blood 
ia her veina. She could attack books— always jnttly. Bnt none of the 
real wtrm s were ever aasoeiated^ with the eitinot grab* of Gnib Street. 
This ia the parentage of which 1 tm juatly proud, tracing it back, a." I 
can, to the Ark. ia the Arkives of whioh House -boat, there were several 
most valnable works^n* navigation and^natnrallhistory. If tbe Weritable 




Worms had been the enemies of books, where wonld have been the 
Psprri now ? I enoloee my photo, taken of me some time since by 
Tlir. Liinr.ECB SiMBOEBite, and am, Tours, mort Wonnly, 

Thb Baboh de Book Woxms. 



ITEWS OF THE H008K OP SAVOY. 

It was reoently ntmoured that Hr. Obobos OBOMKim, m lon^ one of 
the "props" and ornaments of tiie Savoy Theatrn, waa aVrat tomtbdmw 
from D'On.ET CaBXi's OofnpasT, oA t^ike a Thratro f.ir himself— ud to 
an andicnoe ; as his modeetr eOB^cUed him to adroit (what wonld be " not 
admittLHl after tryta " and "bOBasti not allowed ") — that he, bv himself, 
oottld not fi.lt the entire theatre. At first no reason was assiinea tor this 
raah aot, bnt he has lately stated that he had for eome time suspected his 
Manager of bsin^ in treaty with Mr. Grobqe Jomr O-sca-v, the Comio 
Chanoellor, who, it mual ha owu-d. wi)u!d bo m daajferoos rival of Mr. O. O. 
in the ecoontrir: Optra and !^hort Eulertiinmcnt line. Mr. D. CiSTE has 
explained that he wsa uuty corrrepouding wi!.h the Comto Chanoell'.>r on the 
queetion of taiefl, and wanted to know U a "Gee Goo" retained on his 
eatablishioettt would he considerod aa a " Pleasure Horse." Qeobsb Joeot 
immediatdy replied that he was sure s Cuite eould not get on without a 
Qks-Oxi, and ao the tax would not apply. Handshaking all round, and 
ereryone satisfied. 



K 



186 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



(Aran, 21, 1888, 



MYSTERIES OF HUMAN GROWTH. (THREE CHAPTERS IN PUBLIC SCHOOL LIFE.) 




■•-:'A.' ' . ■■■ ■' . 




1883. 

Jimmy Jont*. " Ullo. 
Yov 'rk obiskt I Ir 



Billy Bhowk i 

9tb1kb) mr tod 

[ A'lci* him. 



1884. 

S0y Bnvn "Ullo, Jihmt Joskb ! TOir 
Kicked mk Two Ys&ua aoo ) It nuiKsi 

MB IT '■ MF Turk I " fTata it. 



1888. 
Jimmy Jvna. "I'l-to. Billt Ilnowx ) 

ABOUT TOAT KlOKIKO 1 It aTRXKIS MR HT 
TUBH 'ft COMS BOUHO .tc;4I.V/'' [il-i., llx. 



PEBILS OF A FLE&SURE-HOBSE. 
A QiLPiNBtaci BitLLia. 

/, OOSCHES ia B patriot 

0( credit and wnown j 
A bold tiannoier eke U he, 

Tiutted by I/mdon Town. 

He IB B brBve e<tu«ttri&D, 

Ab all tlie world d'lth know ; 
And when he inoaDt«d bis new Bte«d, 

The world eipeoted " go." 

Bat laddle-tree Bcuroe rekobed bad Le 

Hi" j-Jurncy to begin, 
When tnrmng round tui hekd be uw 

That boy— as imp of lin ! 

That boy ;iercciT^ htm monnted fair 

Upon nia K»llBnt «teed. 
Slow picinj; o'er the party-stiines 

With enutioD tnd good heed. 

But Gndins soon a emoother roftd 

Beneilh hia well-shod (act. 
The horse begvi to trot, and til 

Admired J. awcuKs'ii BeaL 

" Oce-nti I " be cried. The horse gefi-np'd, 

TosBllnnt noscsEic's joy; 
And all miKht hive gone paanng well, 

But (or that horrid boy I 

That boy at first appeeired to be 

L'[>on hia boat behaviour ; 
Kow he waved tike a Bemaphnre, 

And punoded like a pavlour. 



So " Fsir and aoftly I " OoBcniH oried ; 

But OoscBKN Dried in vain. 
Ab I now hu 'U need a steady seat — 

A tirm hand on the rein. 

" Yakl " orieBthe youth, and al»o " Boo 1 " 

Irrelerant and rude. 
What wonder it the charger Bhied, 

Or ii the rider alew'd 1* 

Like lotne young raacel in the Ruw 

Who wavee hi a arms in aii, 
A Bwell equestrian t« rile, 

HiB gallant tteed to Boare ; 

So Willi*)! standi right in the way. 

And OoscasM can hat feel 
He next may raise a hideout tbI], 

Or turn a " Catberine-whuel." 

Steady, good Goschem 1 Keep yonr seat I 

Hemonatranoei are idle ; 
WiLLiinc means miaehief ', ipare the ipnr. 

And don't forget tlio bndle. 

The perilB of yonr rieaBnre-Hone 

Are BCarRely yet bcgnn ; 
And lotB of oUier urchins rode 

Stand bj to watch the fun. 

Ob yee, no donbt, to aoare yonr nag 

In this way is aain. 
Fie on aiich horrid little bayil 

They ought to be run in. 

ftnt euoh ia the eanestrian't fat«. 

Upon parV-haok or hobby ; 
Prey to Iho Bver-preaent boy, 
Ine eT«r-BhB«Dt ISuhby. 



It yon 'rea Johnny Oilpin, bleat 
With more nf plaek tban akiU I 

There probably will he a bolt, 
And possibly a epill. 

But if von keep your nerve, and Beat, 
You U add to your renown ; 

And Will will have to take great earo 
That he is not—run down I 



Aaotber On«I 

A BABD-WOBSING Oovemment Clerk haa 
been ordered eqneBtrian exeroise, " 1 shan't 
mind your tax so muob, Mr. Goscukn," said 
the offioial lo the C. C, "if the Oovemment 
will raise mf ulary." " I 'li iuqnire in the 
Department about it." replied the kind- 
hearted Qko. Jcxih* ; hut, va any oaae, yonr 
pleaBure in riding will depend Upon the wrt 
of ' Borew ' yon get" 



The "Kobert" (Or BhUlisg) Dinner. 

Jtfimoo. 

Potage i la Eubert. 

WMUbait a la Robert le Dlable. 

Kubert Dory. 

Pig'e ChMk with '■ Sauce Robert." 

Eibob Kurry, 

Welsh Itibert. 

DwMrt— Bob Ch«rrr. 

ExccsK yfR DnraKisa mforb Diithkb.— 
To Whet the Appetite. 



■^^^^^^^ilE^^^^^^^ST^ 




1888. 




I THE PERILS OF A " PLEASURE-HOR.SR » 



Ann. 31, 1888.] 



PPKCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



189 



MY PRINCE I 

(^» «wij fuiU Tttenily at CharloUoAurf.) 

WnKBB »nd how shftll I mtst^e to meet Mm ? 

Whit UK the wordi thpy will make me taj ? 
S)utl I hive with & ehake of the he»d to gr^et him, — 

Tell him ti> call itnother dnyf 
Will thn rhanoellnr, trne love ■ooraing, 

Stnnd in thp path, and never winoe ? 
Mu»t ftU my joy 1* tumt'd ti Mfiiirning, 

Munt ! lo«e far ever My Prinoa I My Prino* ! 

I will not drMm of him crowned uid rnlin;, 

Houutine hii late Bttlearian throne. 
In RuiaiiLii ipiilo he hns hud aome schooling: 

He only ulcB to he let alone ! 
They talk to me of their " stmijied re!»tion»," 

Of the Ccts who hu hated him »ome time since. 
But my heart \t my nwn, and not the nation'! ;— 

And 1 '11 give it to him, My Prinoo I My Prinoa ! 

Ba it'a only a matter of pationt waiting. 

And whatever *uhAme thfr Chancellor hatch 
For him, sinoe h*r itrenglh he 'b undet-ratinj. 

He '11 find that Mamma is fully a matah. 
And, though he may ?rowl. aho '11 manajfe to tame him, 

And tell him oat olraishlwiiy. plain word; not t') minae, 
AUCUSDEB ia mine, and as raine I »hall ulaim hvnt, 

And hold him for erer. My Prince 1 Hy Prinue 1 



» 



AN AGGRIEVED TAX-PAYER. 

Snt,— Hy income has been reduo«d by your friend and oontrihntor, 
Qeobob John', from £3 p«r annum to 

£3 I5a. Would he have done it, even if 
he had had the ohauoe aome yean aso "i 
No. Cortainly not. But reoentlyhe naa 
taken to maktnjf puna. He commenced 
it publioly at Mr. WvuDKiM's anppar. 
After that — the BudKet. Now T)r, 
JunNSON hoi told UB of what urtme a 
pTmster muat he guilty. " "Who makes 
a pnn would pick a pocket," Sir, nr 
three por cent, ponket has been piuked. 
Whan I ne»t ttcurd my vi>te, i abwl ask if tna Candidnte ever made 
a pan. Defend ua from Oeoboe Jokik, who ia "punny wiM and 
pound foolish " aa he would aay. Yonra, 

CoxYKBtxD AcAim Hu Wnx. 




Vheel ROd Woe. 

By Om af t\t BUappofittd liepatolion. 

Toe 'n tax our wheeU to help the Common Weal ? 
No. Joiis' Go8CH«K, we oain see no joke in it. 

Whwlwriithta thia wheel-wroDg very sorely feel. 
Look out liiuu, or «>e '11 lock ^our wheel, 
And put tiitr ipoke in it I 



WITH ALL TIIEIE ART. 

Bin, — Mr. Waltkx Bksint's proposition, in regard to the Artof 
Novel Writinitj that "nn moyiag aituation was ever yet depioted, the 
writinr of which did not Coat the Author anguiih and tears,'' has 
Bomewhat peiplazed me. Still, lown as aThreo-VolumeNovolistof 
WBtt rtUiaiac. my experience as far as oonoems my own work, 
ntinly Q^MOM wilh Mr. BESAirr's. 1 have found myself frv 
qoentlr, not only sobbing like a little child over the pathetic portion» 
of my Works, but laughing myself into hyaterioa over the more 
hnmorouH chapters. I am t»and, however, tn admit that they do not 
team to have the same «ITeot on my pnblithor and intimate friends, 
whom 1 have often caught launbing themselves into fits over my 
most MriouB and dramatiu >ituation>, while a peruaal of ray liirhtca' 
tnid emnio intccs aiipwira to c<iiniiitn them to the deptha of a profound 
and impeiifllrablo jtluum. Thia, however, bv the way ; and 1 only 
dircut atU'ution to It, in passing, asacnrloniiaot. Notwithstanding 
the opinion ul some Amnnuau authors to the contrary, Mr. Bciumt 
Is, therefore, pru1>ahly rieht, and we may take it pretty well for 
granted that tno wrilur wno movpa others, most be flnt moved blra- 
solL I am goiov to inturriew all our distinguished writen myself, 
and will Ut you havo the rwult next week. Tonra inquiringly, 

Fm-Tiuczzu.1 BcLwn-ScoTT. 



APATHETIC OFFICIALISM. 

TsoroB it may take, aooording to the accepted computation, nina 
tailors t')mBke onii rain, to judge from certain answers turniihed in 
the HoQse of Ciimmcms tlhe other evening, it B»ideully r«i aires soina- 
thing more than nine olTlcitd men tii re-make or rather to re-inst«tt 
one T('f/!i<r, In hi» istuB of last we«k, Afr. fvnefi, oummentiu 
briefly on the case of the sorely iU-usea Patna Comraisstoner, and 
applaading the vigorous protest uttered by the Timci on the lutijeot, 
exi)ressed a hope flmt the Qovernment would epeediiy take the matter 
in baud, and, though at tho eleventh hour, see the wrong righted, 
and something like juatii^e done. This, however, they app<4r dis- 
inclined to do. To talk of onobieotion to "re-opening" tne matter, 
•a if it were an incident that hoc! been pat away and closed, is abiurd, 
for, aa a matter of fact, thanks to the historians who have carefully 
tiited all its oircnmBtanoea. its details are thoroughly open to tho 
light of dav and patent to all. 

Colonel Mii.LMns, in hia hiitory of the Indian Mutiny, ha* folly 
Inveotigated the charges made against Mr. Commissioner TiTLKn, 
•nd exposed their uttergroiuidleesneis and fntilitv. Sir JoiTwHiTK, 
a writer likely to bo on his P.'s and Q.'e, and Mr, Hoi.mf^, who is 
anything hnt "all abroad" in his tacts, in their respective works 
dealing with the same period, have not only don« likewise, but borne 
nnminUkahle leatimony to the valuable nature of the servioet 
rcndtrM by Mr. Tatlkb to his oounlry in tho very urieii tn which 
hia conduct hud been officially ultaokud. To dculino, therefore, in the 
[ireeence of sush experts, to entertain tho " re -opening " of the ques- 
tion, i« simply to refuse to look tho facts of hiBton st«^i1y in the face. 

To shirk this ordeal may commend itsi-lf to the ollicial mind, but 
it is a prooeoding thnt in no way finds favour with tho puhlio 
opinion of the country. That, tho Government moy depend upon it, 
holds that it is better that the routine traditiims of thirty years 
should be utterly exposed and overthrown, rather than that a 
deserving pnblio servant should undergo unmerited punishment and 
disgrace. That the ofhciai mind shoiild he capable of taldng any 
other view is preposterous ; bat that it shows signitioant signs of so 
doing, Mr. Funrh much fears must He regarded asamcianohoiyfact. 



THE SECRET OUT. 



Oui>ffro!*K, rash GLAbBrosi, pull up, or your fame 

To xero will fall, and to nothingness dwindle. 
It must, for the great Star of Science ones shame ; 

That true Boanerges, tempestuous TrNQAta. 
He says you're "not wise, and, dear WiLUtlt, you'll »« 

This alone is snHIeient the matter to settle. 
He 's such a big pot is Professor J. T., 

And you— if he says so — of coaree are a kettle. 
Baxfoou yon may brave, or stand nn against Joi, 

Front even Joun Duiort. that polite letter- wriUr, 
ButyoQ are not in it with Ttnoau, jon know. 

Why vainly contend with so smaahing a amiter f 
This Sif^ger of Bcienoe, this Sullivan, twenra 

He was— well, clothed in light when you wore " Torr ahcddy." 
Yes, malice mi|ciLt whisper that what he note wean 

Muat Iw fustian, ouutd he but see it, poor body. 
He girds at the Liberal Party as dogs 

For following you when ho cannot. Otcat Conarl 
If Soionoe could only sr« straight when it sloga. 

This Tts DiLL, my WiLLiiM might well be a t«a*er. 
Ha ohafis yon as pMudo-inlalliblo. Oh I 

One can ■» why he 's wrath at yonr strocir sell-nlianoa. 
You infringe Aij monopoly there, don't ^oa Know ; 
For nothing 'b infallible now— «xcept Seie&os ! 



Evident. 

_, that 'Tha Prinoa of 

Walks and Soite ' visited K>me Theatre the other night. What do 
tbey mean by ' the luiU T ' " 
" The f rinoesa, of courM," was the very natural answer. 



"I see by the paper," said Dk Mootsb, 



dutd pro Quo. 

"Thb sweet tiraplioity of Three per Cent* "f 

No, gone is that linancial (im^ li'Iioity I 
Instead thereof, lav the Kad rnaloonlt'uta, 

We've GoaoKa.s's "dear dnpHoity." 

At Mr. Cnni^TT ttavna. Hootifs banaflt, Mr. Astuirx 
ItoHxuTB sang " Quprn o/ llui TarU" with U« snial ■naoMa. la 
the last cnntnry the ideal subjeet o( thja MUg voold hara b««B 
celebrat«d in vorae as " rA* Miw-ing ToatL" Tha "Toart" of 
the eighteenth becomes the "Tart" of th« ninatMOith; oontttrr. 
What will she ceit bo f— the Cheese f 



190 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April 21, 18S& 




TWO Views of it. 

Brmon. " SaocKis" Thibo I You BBAaD os rooB Mm-i-Rfa obttikd his 

KBCK UBOKBM IK TBAT C0I.1.:810N I " 

Jone». " Ah !— it 'a as-tonmbino how luckt bohb Fbliows ark I Hb told 
MB 'laht TIMS I SAW Hill BB 'o JDBT Ihsukbd bis Lirx FOB Tbhbb Thoua'p 

PoDJf's 1 ( ■* 



NOBODY AT HOME. 

An Interview d la Mode, 

NoBOitr tea* " at home," Bod u vnllinir to be iotcmewed n* a ptuhing poll- 
tioiBn, BoliBmpioiipagiliBt,or b Maiio-hall Honntebank. Nouodt la B'peraoQof 

laposrsG I»i>KFnsiTEP(ES3 
of demBinonr, of iniiidla-Bfe, of ayerage height, of mediom oorapleiion. He 
prodaoed upon th« beboUec much the same eSeot ai a aoie&tilic^y Biuadfed'iD 

IllFRE^lOHIST PoBTttAIT, 

the mott potitiye and aalient puint aboat him.beinc hia extra*lBrKft-«Lee diamond 
•oart-iun, wMah blasted out l&e 

SiBicH FROM A Ham or NBnctors SrAB-Dcar, 
or the ej^e-oatoliing "Caps'" in a tpBoimen of laodem feporttnjf. Thence his 
eitremitiea, head and he«li, brain and boots. aeeniMl lo vaponse ofi into Bttenunted 
vainieiien. quite oonai^nttj' with the latest tbeorisB of Art and Advertisement. 
Bolient and taroharged triviality, slBrinK forth like a Cfobps' eye from a mutr 
muddle ol CiEcrMJACBKT Ntn-Lirr, 

ia, indeed, the open t«cr«t of incoeea in the two chief branohei of contwaporarr 
oharUtanum. Not with stand mg this acoentxiated n«ha1oittv, however, Nododt 
Iwdailindesorihableatrt'f bfin^emphatioallf Ar.LTBKRBl— WhattherBwaaofhim. 

"Nodonbt," aaid I, " during yoor long and aenaational career you have done 
Bitoj thinffi " 

T^nrfpeoolel" intarieot«d NoBonx.wilh adelishtfulmiitoreof Whiatlerian 
BirineM and Slugger-SafliTaneiniue iwsigiter. "Kstherl I am f onnd eTerywhere 
— in Parliacoent and the Prise RioK, at Burlington Hoaae, and in 

LAur I^uu'a DsiwrNo-Boox, 
<a the Buire, and the Cinder Path. I am. in fact, the CaAvpioir Houiro, and 
to be thai is, in these days, to be the Champion of Champions." 

"Ah. Heruolei. Apollo, and Mercnry inoneP"Baid I, with aavmpathetiowink. 

" Beraules be Mowed ! Apollo— not np to third-ral«Musio-halI form 11 MerooiT 
—a mere mug III" cried NuBonr, iwntemptiionKly. " I should juat like to have 
Hbucdlbi a t, P'OBTI-FOOT Rne I 




I'd Hitehelliae bim till he couldn't bit half an oonoe, 
or ' land ' within half it milt of a baystuclc. 

" Ton hare not ooniined f oar attention to the Bing, I 
preBamsP" said T. 

" No, I 'to ako had a cot in at the Book," reapoaded 
NoBonr. "I've written, with assietanoe — the most 

BrABTUno Sbhsational Sh[lli«g6Wostb, 
OD reoord, and bod it log-rolled into sixty editions. Picked 
up a flhody story in the side- walk of Swelldom, cooked it 
oaief uUy with a weather-ej e to the 
Law of Luiil, 
and the Shilling Scan-Uag sold like Plumper'i Skatw or 
Tooth-paste p^^ ^^ p^^^ , 

Beaiile that I 're patented Fills, been appointed Special 
CooimiMioner on the Burrioboola lioaodary Question, iM- 
tured oU over England and America on 
Abt is thb HitrsibtI 
boased a Sixleen-Aore Show, rnn a Conservative Cannt*, 
started a Liberal Ladies' Lily Leogne, fonndrf 

A Nbw Rklioion, 
and innn^rated a new School ol Music, on th« prtDcipl* 
that not in Melody or Harmony, but in 

Thb UidHTKEMirrBST jEoliar Wail 
b foand the true secret of transcendental Musical Art I 
hare aUo shown, in a book of six hundred po^s, thatthe 

OCCDLT DODBLB-ACBOSnCS OF THE OorssET 

?rovo that Nbhcchadnezkah really wrote the Homerie 
oems. 1 have startfid a new Gallery for the exploitation 

of the groat Neo-Teatray School of Art (first bub gested by 
me), founded on the eternal esoteric principle ol 

pBtSUATlC SinTDQBl I 

I am now hesitatinK whether I will next aeonre the BiQiud 
Championship, a Baronetcy, or the rerersion ot 

TaE Leaobrship of raa Libekal Pabtt! 
And still I am — NobouiI" 

" Wonderful I " I cried, in grasping BBtozement. "And 
how — how do you manage it r " 

"The Seortit of my Sncoeso," he replied, "may be 
eipressed in a simpler 'formula' than ever quack invented 
or tipBter devised. That formula ia 

BocTicit AKD Bio Capitals 1 
The world being largely oomposed of Jagirjnsos and 
Oapers, Credulous Qeese, and Sensation-iovinf; giibf- 
tiuiurhei. Humbug and Advertinement are the twin Arts 
to make Somebody, Kverybody out of — NoBonit ! " 



LOVE'S LABOUR LOST. 

AOT lU., 8oaH« I. 

ShaJiiptare mca mart adapled lo Oit Situatiim. 

Biron-BUmarrk loquitur: — 

/ FOiLKD, forsooth, by Love ? I'll be Lovo'a whip. 

A very beadle to on amorous sigh ; 

A critic ; nay, a ntght-WAtch constablei 

A duminepring pudnct o'er the boy. 

Than whom no murlAl hath more thwarted me. 

This wimpled, whining, piirbliod, wayward boy. 

This senior-jimior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid : 

This lord of love-rhsTnes. brare with babj^ armo, 

The appointed autocrat of blood- and -iron :■ 

This liege of loiterers and malcontents 

Prince BisMABCif baulk, ventnre to oonntor me, 

Bole Imperatnr and great General 

Of patriot policy I* O my mighty heart I 

Am 1 to be a oonmral of his field 

And wear his cofonrs like a tumbler's hoopF 

What, 1 '. I sue lo Ix)ve I I, for a wife, 

A woman, so set back the German olook 

Still a-repoiring : getting oat of gear. 

And never goiac right, like a oheap watoh. 

But helng watch'd that it may still go right I 

Hay. to be baffled, which is wurat of alL 

And, among tliree. to gut tht> wurit of ul I 

Am 1 to stiKip to LovQ r to bend for hia ¥ 

Make wajr fur him V Oo to, it is a plague 

That Copid would impose for my negleat 

Of his afniiithty dreadful little might. 

Well, 1 will watch bii way lo pt my own, 

I 'to whipped all foes; Cupid 1 '11 fooo—aloae 1 [£riit. 



Ar«iL 31, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



191 I 




Voiue of Cfimmmit, X'lmita^ Niaht, April it.— Looicd more like 
elid limn to-iiitt!it. Benohci well tilled. A Ihin Wank lice in GilUry 
Iicin; OjiiKjtilion Bcnoh. In eeat of Leader of Opposition, OWD- 
BTONE, witli llower in button-hole, and saepioion of poUfttQm-pat in 
euat-Uil pooket. Sure tiana vi n hi^ speech. Ooscarx moved 
Htnuo inlu CummtttcD of Wftfi nnd Means to pun Boditet Kenolii- 
tion». CoCKtNiiv, cot to b* caHKht napping ngain, oBroa down to 
praytr* in evening drew. (ii^DsniNE expected on bis feft imnie- 
dialcljr afler llupitiuns. But Old Morality, loiiJcinjt momller Ihan 
t\cr, and with c|nite freih etock of popy-bof^k hesd" learned off in 
ctM of ttonrticncy, had sold Oppotition. InatW of Bndsat Bill 
itondicg fir»t on Ordtrt, had pat wbat .TosKPIt Oli.Lin {who BtiU 
rotaiiu comnatid of Knni'h lanrnagn that carried him thronith the 
fatnooi viiit to J'aiii!, calU "I'' t'lln S»Ury Bill." Poor KlBu- 
Hahmaii gonn away for brief period of rent, Plewant fUTpriso for 
bim to find ht« salary yotfd when he reliirnn. Oi.«nKto?<K [irepaied 
big a^cb euttitg np Budiret Bill, Main body of Irish Member* 
orar la Irtland, beading on the coat-t&il Baltocb cUxterooily 



lipread for them. The few present not likely to take on th«n»6lT« 
reaponeibtlitv of bowlinji Olaiihkjhb over into diaaet-hour by 
obitrncliji(! King-Uirnutn Bill; io put it down lir«t. 

" OppOTtnaity is Heaven'* tir»t law." aaid Old Mortlilr, for- 
tnitoualy tumin/r Qp one of hi» oopy-book hwulinn, "They'll 
gtnmblB ; but still we '11 get th«' Bi!l through a ita|;p.'' 

S) they did. Irtih protested; look two diviiiona; but by Five 
o'clock nil ever. Th(> aveninK breuc making rippie* round the prow 
)( the ari(i>sy bodring KjjKi-JlAiiJu.f Sooth might whisper that the 
Salary Bill was one stage Dtarft home 

All this involved honr's dnlay before (lijiraTonK got his chuiM. 
An nnoommonly bad fonr qQartom of on boar for onllraguea within 
reaob of hia forefin^iT. At thr>m all round, prodding them in tlw 
rih« by way of enforcing remarks. .Snob larks with CniLDdlui 1 Oot 
np f(om OfjiisTOHic's side to put question to Oiiwiiicif. 0. O, U. 
deil«rons1y pnll«d TIkkkt Fotci.eu into vacant plooe, and bena 
prodi^ing process on new viotim. Cii'i-UKiut, unaware of what ud 
tftken pUee behind hi* back, resnmod his seat. Faund hiuMU. «b 




193 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[ApfiiL 21, I8f8. 



Sa Q. 0. M. prodded Aim till positioiu were 



Fowi.kr'h kncM. 

TMiljuiiled. 

se he most gtt rid oi saixiQen en^rj^ KmonoT 
'. whn genoTKlljr nli next t« r«Tvr«4 L«»der, an 
principal sufferer. " Sinoo he duesu't tbi'ik it diplon 
eir(!um>tance» ti) pan out on MmiBttn. lie pr<«l» m«. 



"flHlipnae lie most gti rid t>f Bobdned enerjff mmohow," s»y» 
Hjlscouut. who ge&orKlljr nli next bi r«Tvr«4 Letder, and is the 

diplomntio in 

Cupital id«ft of 

Childbr8 Us witfir v>PT of Vutrs inside his waisti'ijut ovifr left rib». 

But HiBTisiiTON «na the other fellown btet nil. Soinetiuieg feel 

mreelf neitrlv prodrlrd into dissectiect Lilier&lUm." 

Miuineu (fcne.— Budget itesolutione, 

TVewIuy.— OldMoTftlitjr bad (Treat triumph t^-night. Everyone 
■h&rei in U, (orareryone likes Old Morality, and leeU' southed by 
hie mural refleotiona. Triumph enmo at midui^bL But them was 
pmliuiinary victory shortly alter Houie met. Kdwarii Watkin 
appearwl on scene. Wanted In know when and how Ireland waa to 
have Homo Rule. Evi'rybody been putting thia i[aei!tii)n for two 
yonn. County Clare out ci jimihi on Hnnday ihouting out the ques- 
tion. Comee up at every pnhli* menting : noTere fome Families ; has 
nnit«lC)no; political aif tbundermu with reverberating qiieslioa ; 
hero ii Kowiku Wilms, of &1I men, wanting to know. Up rise* 
Old Mornlity, loleoinly approaohw table, jtravcly nieete EDivaao 
WATKit'a itrainrd regard, and, slowly beating time on table as 
tnomenloui «yll»hlp» fall and riiio, Miys :~" There will be no indis- 
position to mtind to Ireland an impro»ed systL-ni of lA>e-a! Govern- 
ment when it i« mode ole»r that the people are prepared to reoeive 
And work it in a spirit of loyalty la the Crown itnd Constitution." 

Copy heading > little longer than usual. Won't go into single 
line. Rut how fresh the tentimeut I how terse tbe language I and 
with what indcscrihabl-^ i>ir of morality it is sutfnsed ! Ribald Irish- 
men burst intj> shout of Uughter. But on Treasury ;lJenah not single 
dry eye, OBiuinoLrH, sitting ia corner seat behind, nerrously tugs 
at meuetaclie. ChaplhI, in oomer seat betow. thinks he hears a sub. 
Aft«r this. HouM nrooMded with ehostened spirit to its altutted 
tAsk. Crowd of tfutioes of Motion ; afterwards full list of Orders, 
Bkadlaooh's Oaths Bill looms low down in latter 
lilt. Wants to get into t'ommittee with it. If 
business steadily worked through, this Bill would 
be rrachedin time. So at Nine o'clock, Opposition, 
led by ToMLissoK iiee OaisnoLPH gone 
ovrr to the enemy, tried Count, which 
fails. Motions mn through ; Orders 
Sf" reached. Tagranta Aot Amendment 
Bill disposed of aft»r moderate 
discosaioD. Now Bkaducqb's 
ohanoe. But enter Dx Cobadi 
with two Bills in hand and every 
appearance of having a thim 
buttoned inside his waisloost. 
Movrs lielfast Muuiuipal Fran- 
chise Bill : takes Division and gets 
it rejected. Meit bringi on 
Wa^es (Ireland) Bill. Lung die- 
oossion. Half-post £Uven struck. 
Oaths BUI in peril. At twenty 
minutes to Twelve Bdcranak 
pounced. Just in lime to be 
too late, Dirision on Cltwure 
followed by Division on Second 
Reading of BilL Agreeably 
twcupied time till ^lidnight 
struck, and tben Oaths Bill 
shnnt^. Sersphie smile man- 
tled over oniintenanoe of Old 
Morality as he watehed Bu- 
Oiiaitab's blundering taolips. "They'd hotter leave it tome.tih? 
Don't you think so, Toiiv ¥ " ho said, quite gleefully, as he piLcked 
Bp his stray copybook headings and looked them to hu box. 
Biiinnt ilone. — Hisoellaneous. 

rAursiAiy.— Things b^einniag to lookup. House of late grown so 
respeotAble that, reg»ri!t'i! as a place of ent^rtsinnii'nt. 'lulte out of 
ruDiUDC compared witb vestries. Public deeerting the oluce, and 
liembervhabitually play to empty gftllery. To-nuiht Bill entirely 
oh&njted. A piece of^the old kind put on, Soene. Ireland : dramaUt 

grtonir, tboae old favourites Pahnell. O'Bbibn, Iiilloit, and Tim 
KALI. JosEPu Olu.18 In the wings with old familiar smite on his 
fa«e, and prompter's book m band. Aspect of House suddenly 
O^snged. Becuhtis Ulled up ; Strangers crowded in ; uheers and 
ooonter-oheers rang througli theatre. For two hours and a half 
piew ran without a flaw. 

T. W. Bute ELI. I<^>k opportonity of ooming backagain. Last time 
h* Ipoko threw in hu lot with Pamellites ; diinonnoed Government, 
and Toted against them. Oppi>rtuoity now at hand to pose as perEi stent 
Unionist and auppott Oovernment. This the only dull part in the 

SieM. As BxLrui'U says, "There's no elerof'nt of sarnrise about 
^P> B ai.L. Taking the Session throogh, he 's Uke a pendnliim. Find 




Prablom : to Find the Third Bill. 



him on one side at particular moment, quite inrtt that he 's swin^g 
to go hack. The Prodigal's return all very well ones in a lifo-Ume. 
But oan't be always upectting our domestic arrangemrnta, and 

thinning out the mi>»t suuoulout from anjonjt our Hook* and herds." 

Evf'ryoDi. surpriswl t-j see floMMtus still g'ling aViont, fli»iiinr 
waste places in Lubbv witb sunny amila. Thoujiht Batoai would 
have tti'jrougblv crushed him witb that 

Kodrrous epistle. Heemstuhave passed 
rmlessty over his bead. If any oficct 
is visible, his smile is a tride more 
childlike and bland. BiUom'a heavy 
artillery not nearly Bo neat as "IfuimT 
Spesckk'S pop-gun. This also tired at 
Member for Huddersfield. when he was 
nominated additional Whip. It was 
before the bye-elections had begun to 
tell, and whilst yet the DlssontieDt 
Liberal ranks were unhroken. "BoBnr," 
himself nearly a year in office, mur- 
mured, with far-away look ; "Another 
Whiii! Dear me, it seems that, the 
smaller the muster to he countea lh« 
larger the number of Whips." 

Jiimtptf Junf^.— Debate on Seocnd 
Reading .uf Local Oovernment Bill com* 
menoed. 

Frirfay.— Lords bank to-nighl. lika 
giants refreshed, after Easter holidays. 
Plunged desperately into business. 
Dknuam ("So like dear Mr. Dirk is 
Drkuah," said DoiraAraK, baok from 
Ireland, where he has been dropping 
his rente, and raising his salmon I moved 
Second Heading of Woman's Suilrage 
Bill. CuAKUUDoff moved that it bo 
read second time this dij sic mcnlhs. 
What followed so interesMng.maderer- 
6.i(.>'.roteofeotivereation. Hereitis:— " Qoui' book s«wl" 

Mr. Dick. May I ask the noble Visoonnt [whether that 'would 
mean lunar or calendar months f If lonar, by yonder blcwed moon 
I swear- — ■ 

CrantrooU. Order! Order I 

" 0, swear tioI by tbe moon, the IneonHlaet mooD, 
That moathly changes ut her circled orb." 

Besides, swearinjc'e not parliamentary. Aik HALsnuar. 

Xorif Chaticflior {admirtt BitFotra's policy ta muek, imitatat 
hit ParliamfHtary manner ailK hit Ug: Juil note get Ikftn aitmu 
under th* tabl«. A^ter ttrupgle, riiei In hit columii^ir hri,jil\. Ah 
— ei^don't yon think wo'd better wait for Brothsr HerscqkllP 
More in his way, donoherknow. His grandfather in the mouo and 
stars business, fipaoioiu firmament on higli, and ali that ; a little 
out of my way. 

Mr. Dirk. Must rule, or else I '11 take divioion. 

Lurd Chiinertlar. Very well. Then, under (uronnutanMa, w**!! 
say it 's lunar months. 

Ho nee then adjourned. 

Thr Bkkak-Ddwi> iw the Qubkh's Bracff.— A queer plane fora 
" break-down," but the Jndge, Cuunael. and all engaged m the case 
" stepped if with alacrity when tbe defective timber gave timely 
warning last Wednesday morning. At first the noiso was thought 
to be occasioned by the LaAt of the Barons cracking a joke, or that 
some prisoner on his trial bad just been "lot oil'" by Mr. Juitioa 
Haweihs. But it wu nothing ol the sort. It was simply caused 
by "someone" concerned in building the New Ijiw Courts. On 
inquiry, of course, it was found impuasible to bUtno the Architect, 
or the Clerk of the Works, or the Foreman, or the Contractors. 
It was finally settled that u the greea wood used in baildiog had 




shrunk the fsult was attributable entirely to tho "Contracting 
Party," which, in this instance, 'tis u clear as sunlight, was tbe 
n. If they 're all tike the Uueun's fienoh, we can't oorreotly term 
of the Divisions in the new building "Buperior Coniia," 



beam, 
any 



" Happt RrrimsB ! "—A House crammed in every part weleomed 
our Hkrht and Ei.t.iin on the FanstlTtt oooasion of thsir re-appear- 
ance at the Lyceum. He has made a bag of dollars, and certainly as 
Mtfhitloph»tu he looked onoommonly dollaroua. 

Which Ih It F— Recently the Gaiety advertiacisent* have lafannad 
the public that " Hiss Ri.lxn Farukh " is going to take a beaaflt, 
previous to her denarturo. itc, <.tc. A few days alUf tUl, the lasi 
nights (alas!) of " Mi>s Nf.i.ur Faksek," &a., A«. WclMTeoerfr 
heard of " F.i.tKN " FiBBits. "NsLua" is our hrodrite. But 
which leaves us F and, if both,— well, m ahall (riere for Kum^ 
but we shan't Mias Elleit. 



4 



4 



jS^ irff TICX.~a^tei0d CoaintttBieaticni or Con tri buttons, wbolber MB.. Printed >alier. Itrawlnp. or Plctntes of any deuriplirai, will 
~ ''^_?" ^ retara^i, not arwi wfiod aoeompaitied by a Stamped and UAreaMd Eovelcpe, Cover, or Wrapper. To Uia nh 
«« will b» a« axecptioa. 











J 




Anu. iiS, 1688.] 


PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 


193 


I 



QUITE TAKEN" BY LES SURPRISES. 

U. BlalMCa " ocotiMM," tatitUd /^ Surprurs du Jiiroru. whiuh 
iiBoiroiMof tka giwt ntooaMM of Puia, *a9 |>k)ML lu suuh bt< 
hooMa Uat WMk *X 11m Uojiltf a> «<iiild liavv been luliiuiiMit to 



wariaot M. MAiEk in Ukmg 
KODthatltMt. Lt»Sur)tTi*a 
MtsoUd ud Bno»t amtiuiiK 
M («nntiwlr oomio, kad th« 



on the lh«i1 re for another 
ia an ioi^uaiuiul; - cun- 
fnrw.t 'Ibo aitoatioiu am 
dialogue ta criip and 
bumuTDUf, that tho pieM 
would "drair" in London 




" Ooqmliuat " at Iha Boyaltr. 

with eren a leu popntai oooudlan thaa CooVBUir, topiwrtiid b^ the 

SDiithlol Juit CuuDKLiH ud thtt oompeUot wmptnj— inuludiair a 
[. nnvL*iraui, bf the wajr— whom ){. HirXB htm ^ togethtTat the 
Eojalty Thajitre. 

It ia Mid that Mr. H^ai ii Kuinir to pr^~duoe an EriKliih vcrnioD of 
Xm SatpnHM at hi^ it prcuut unbuilt, thralrt. If to, tho adapter, 
tf tw lays tha fccne in Knitliuitl. will havo adtllit.'ult taik. u what ii 
WMBtial to tho plot IB imponibte here, mid unnh dotoil that ii 
McMauT t« tho hiimooT ol the faroe an Ecgliib andianon would not 
tnUrale in an F^nglith pieoi! ; tbonih in a Frsnch play, ookd by 
Frinch oomcdiana, "iiiftfC^itiveiieM" ii oip^ntiHi and condoned in 
■dfanM by an Rniiliih andionoe, who, iu> a nilv, laugh ths louder 
Hw mote tney iio and tbn leu th«y undi rRtAnd. 

Tb«old "buiinew" of th« lowcoiumiian. wh«n overoomswith emo- 
tion, (alliDfon to the keyboard of the |;iiau<>, i.ilai|ui<<tiiitiibri])RinKin 
% loadtd tny onlftobe kiuked ov«r by tbu priooipal low oomedianin 
a>du l« and u Aat witb Mmethinx brink, and to brinr down "n 
qtUk •Qftalo," «mdd bt («««iTBd by our caprioiou* rir»t-nuhtDr* 
with deridoB. But whst in a Fronoh faroe la oonndvrtd by an 
EnjcUnh audience a* "imn)i>n«i'ly funny," wonld b« Tot«d "old" 
mad "ttnpid" ia an Euulinli piooe o( the aame kind. 1 doubt 
irlwtlur the rin^nit alap ou the fauu Kivi>n by (lie aotor to tbeaoireM 
mvM be aoMptablit lu au Euiclinh Huditnoe, if tho oharaot^nt repre- 
•Dotjd wire Eniiluh. Howaver. tb«BH matters ars tir th« adaptvr't 
ODnstdtrktioD. Tikm tor what it ii, a 1>risk FrcQuh f^roe. played 
by a Ko:<l hf^ht I'rruuli uurnpauy. with plenty ol I'mnuh lauea 
piquanlt, 1^1 S-arfntt ilii iJirmcs in among rhe funniest pieoM to 

which M. NiQVjn's Divuruo Aut ha» given birth. 

J*CK a TBK Box. 

"Tar»T w*a a Wkwbuin, Tawr waa" — *aa« 1 — That 

lUnMod Arcadian TTaUh Shaphard who waa bronght np— <he 
mat him btMt nry badly brr^usht op!]— before tho Maaiitritc, 
■t Um iniluio* «{ Ule Doan and Chapter of Wutmtiutrr. for chip- 
fAag pUoM «8 tOOM old itona tabic in the Ahbey. in older to oorry 
iheoi away m rdiea, onx^^ to b« prcHoted with a liTing nor Chip- 
pinf Kortoo. Ptfh^a " Mr. Q." could tind him conviiaicct omplor. 
BWt »t Hkwnrdtn. Ho wai finnd a couple of aoToroigua (or tfio 
dUMf* deu, Ko doubt be oonaidora ho got ofi very ohiidy. 



A Nkw nziLicsT. — Tha wade befora lut we meationtd the iprcad 
of AliUM-taiB in the Strand. But what ii " Placiariim in tho I'ul- 
^" for wfai<li, in tho York Coni\>catit)D, Dr. U-ithak wiihcd to 
oondaoui Canon Fuwuiul' Ii it a niiprint fur " IVaKianum " t* 
If not who waa the Ilorcaiarch f When did Plagiarr douriih Y Uf 
omvaa w« do not mean Sir FrtlfuL Poor Canon I'lkvinu to bi 

S'bbetid «a " HaTKix'a gallowa ' I Thia woald be "suipcndtng" 
B with a nngaaniw. Lot ua .hop« tha worthy FuMuu will bo 
M^ttad of Flagiamm. 



AFPKOfUATR foa Amil.— Quito the Month for the Aqnarc^lliitra 
in Pall Hall Kait and Piocadiily to open their Show*. PUnty of 
Bh^tmaat both pi 



MK. PUSCH'fl INDIAN POSSESSIONS. 
Tan Indian Jiaiii/ ^ewt ol Monday. March SS, bu beenroonndat 

bur I'fliMi. containin); tho folluwinir intelligrnoc : — 

" MoTi CiNftu, Uin Kajkli tit I'uMix, hu oma iato audd*D DOloiiely by 
Ih' iapiimuaaal of hia f rimo HiDiMar and fimiiy, and MaBKatim of Ihnr 
property, Aol Tha Slate of PuiiFh Uti about mliwiy bttweaa Bairal Pladi 
and SriaB(t*r,ft«." 

To inlamew fta]*li Hon SuioBi Vr. PuneK has. of coarva, 
Immediataly deap&tuhed two of hta beat Bajaha-ln-Waitinir Itom 
hia Home Offloa, Knur Soob and McnAroA Suisn with A 
Note. Afr. i'unrA Ihinki it duo to the Prime] Hiniater to Mf 
that Uiia ia the tint tme he haa orcr b«id enn the wluapar 
ol any eharvo a^'mnst him, and be ia loth te IwlieTO that the 
preeent difficulty la duo to Kuuioit intrigno. Tho Two R^aht will 
I'B atwmpawed (on the Tom- Tom) by tho oalebr*t«d Indian Gnida, 
Hjta- Wails : and vUr. Punch triutu that tho mooting of the tJtr** 
ftaiftha— Kuan Sibom, MinrtruA Sinov, aad Mori SoieH— who 
will toiiyf the far-fafflid hcspitalitf ol ^ha fiiUK AxFKizaii- 
Diirax--iriU b« tboronghly hannonioua. 

THE EECOOSmOS OF INHUMANITY. 
What woulil b« th« rtaatmablo ohoatiBumcnt to award for a mia- 
detneaaor no wvne than an trnprovokcd lunault by which a anfTefar 
k bat BriOTOTUlj bgorod and irreparably mumnd for lifo f Wall, 
H Buca, Mshnpi^ na aeolnaion fov a t«rm of uimn nut tno lonf dont- 
tion. Soeh wae the aentcnoa atatod to hnvo li>M<n puaed bjr the 
fteoarder of Sheffield on two batting mnit. one nacntJ OxLXT. and 
ttie other Lamhekt, oonTicted of rather too rough horiinplav on th« 
peraon of a rapeotable tradeiman. Thay had merely koooaed him 
down, and fonr of hia tmth out. brokaobia Jaw, and ioflioted injuria* 
ityled " sirtoua " npon hii haad. For thaa* acta of only unlawful 
woiindin;;. OiLCi wu awarded no lots than two nwotba and LiM* 
HKiiT III munh u ono month'* iropriHonmdnt. la tbil butanoe, jut- 
tin«, oa uBunl in Ruoh cum, wa* t«Diper«d with raanr ; iadaeoordinK' 
to prtnednnt not ridionlounly too ntnch of the lattkr. But oi^rtaialy. 
tho reverie of that vivw of it waa taken by the people of Sheffield. 
At a orowdtid mneting <if tiiwntfolk OODTfiled by the Mayor, reaulu- 
tioni ward puafd ftQlunlly ^n>tettine agalnat the inadMuauyuf tliute 
kniant uotunoeel What Draconian Judfcment did the Mayor and Ilia 
oonoourae with to have been' pmnouuoed [>ii a aomewhat too fgrciblo 
outbreak of animal apirita f Five yean of peuol Hivitudo perhapt, 
and a whipping or two into the bargain)' Why, the delendonti 
Oduldn't have gut to moDh as that itotrts tliey had aggramted miira 
violence with the graver oilonoool robbery. 'I'hry anom ta hav* baan 
»ent I') priauu witliout the optiOB ol a line. Waa not that auffiidant 
ti tatialy the riituruua rtqatremenla of the Men of SheiGdd t An 
i(D]iri>uumeiit of two moiitba' duratiim (or an Miault upon a man i* 
at heavy a penalty aa that luusUy impwcd on the aiaailant of a 
woman ot a child. Itn'titi* 

Anotbik "MvsTKiiT," — The Shilling Dreadful* are hiviag a, 
fine time of it. All Murdera and Myatariaa. T%e BiMk-itslli of 
W, U. 8itiin-or'*The Sihtbks," aa tliay ah>ll b.. honu^forth 
termtd— am full of them. Aiuooir the tateat it Tht CliJT Mf/itrry, 
by Mr. n*iiii.Ton kioL, who i« aitu "amonr (he profits." The 
mora iDiproWble the kli^ry, the Kreater the probthibty ul ita being 
read. Perhapt the Author wrote thta thdluig tale alt«r n ooiiioua 
draoght of what he i'Mh " Chateau Mvgot." Doe* he rvnemW a 
ooupint of Cu*RHS Uasck's iu Bhie Brardt— 

M-'raol. Fut diiok, O'Suackaiiack, yiiu Dvedo't far go. 
U'Ukatli. I 'tu vjuuliiiil for yuu lliruugh all Uiv (lUUlu, UaiiuOT. 

Ths quotation may nut be ttriutly exact a* far aa the firat line 
goon, but the aeoond it the one that may liav« lingered Is the 
AidHn lUiRiory, L*t him get tome "Uargaui," and write another 
Myatvry. The greatest Mattery ol all ia, that there aboold be u 
public fur all theae 'orrible talea '. 

" 8dui an Fi:Ta."-lMt Wednctday. April \i, waa about u bad 
a day ai any of the Witcbra in Macbeth oonld wiih foor. There waa 

thunder, lightninr. hail, and mln, fog, aunthins, oold, heat. Ctnito ft 
Variety Eiitcrtataiii«at. Any ForeniiCer might hnn pvtdioted it, 
or lonitlhiug like, without any gri-at meteorologiiM] adaDM, if he 
bid otily (iimsltid the liit of aamaiincnta for the farthoooiillc wetk 
in a tsiiuidaycr Sunday paper, t'ur wu not the Fitat 8(t0W«<Bprilig 
Flower* annonsocd for thii particular day at tha ItotuiMl QaidaBa? 
O enui J?U.' Poor Flora in a maokintoah and uudar an Ulbnllnl 

Anil 70 Nbw DicnovASi.—Mr. Oiauso writ«« •onaihly about 
Gorporal puniahmont, but "OitaJHQ" ia hardly tho appropriate 
name tat a gentleman who ha* kept a Ikiv'i BcbooL "OitliBy" 
wonld be a Tery good taltgraphie-OideT word, mcaciog " Edneating 
Girli." If thia ware adopted, than " Boying " would mean " Bring- 
ing np Boya," " I boJ^•d htm nn" wonld tignify, " I had cbarta 
of hia «dnt«tioD from hi* earlicat boyhood !' " 



VOL. iciv. 



194 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[April S8, 18SS. 



IIUW. ^ 



.^mr^'h 



-^ I ^ 



r 




" Cbais I CiuiBl "—The Ut« Mr. GeohobOoiiwip'8 oulleotiun of 

UwChftinof Citvttt MMthronffhtinafalriuin. " Thiodore Hooi'a 

Chair with a oarioui hack. rvToliinit bu u to aorie u a luble, eolA. for 

. AiB«t«M) guino**"— "which run, Bsid Oeoki>e Jokih', withcvor- 

^aarwit, "mifrht &> A*ra Iwn df voUd to a ohaiir-UbU pnipoce." 



BaiDunoB v. Pcnxs.— At tlie rajuut of Ur. LxMn;flKiix mom 
Uembera sabMrihed the ihm dBmi<te« bud omU which Pnua mt oat 
<A BEjUn*poa. "ThU, " u the Comic ChwuwUor, Gbo. Jdum«I»> 
MTTtd, " IB th« ftnt insluioa witbin the lait four huadisd nan «4 
• ooUcctioQ of ' Fetor** Peooo ' i& tbis Hoom of Conuocvu." 



Aran. 23. 1888.] 



PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL 



!95 



%y ' 




K^^^. 



AN INOPPORTUNE FLIRTATION. 



•Iw TttR Spbiso a Yodxo Man's pasct ligetlt tttbic* om TioiraBTs or I^vk." 



Bar* at t^Uham, nmr Staia/t, Deetmitr 22, 
1823. I>Ud, Afril IS. 1333. Bv.ritd at 
LatiXam., April \9, 1388. 

Hi who uitK " Thyrtu," then, ihall >ing no 

moro [notes I 

Thi* side the ilrwim that »tillfi all earthir 

Whilst April wikes the woodland's tardy 

sonir, rtoata 

OsBora'a nild breeze the throstle's noting 

To on k<Dic wuitinit snd attcutlve long. 

But urar the ehv Tbamufi ohore 

Hate iiet the miiutrel whu with mellowest 

reed [ways. 

Pip«d of lis sonny alopw and wanueriog 

iiijuer of lijrht and of Isrfte- though ted days. 

And Uie ami's itiUDMB, urt thuu goae indeed P 

OrcAt &m cf a ipwd father, Lnlcham's Tower. 
'Hoath which Ihuu lioat, is not firmlier set 
Than thy wull-fouudcd surely growtnir fame. 
Tho biicidinjt bricri wttli April drops sre wet, 
Anon the liTBT-lields with grold shall llatno; 

Tho frilillnry flowor [feot 

Shttil nprcad ita purplo whor* Ihy tr<Hiufnt 
Lovinely lingcrrd. Far thy Mais'* flight 
Tbo Oght of Natart's gift u yet more 
light, 
Th* SwMtnew of Earth's booo u still more 
sweet. 

^MFrthon of 8tamdity \» alaic 

By Fhorhu' shafu : the Philistine most fall 
TotUld wit and lambent iraDjr ; 

And hut unreason yieldeth. if at all, 

To «nu of light. WbU, tho world owes to 
IhiitDfpel,anditsnia [the<i 

Poduaea b gmter than from dl th« noito 



Of Boanerg«ii. Men at l«a*t may turn 
To thra the graoiou* ways of oalm to Ivara, 
Bigh Culture' s blanid rtpoea and blameless j oy i. 

"The nisht ai welcome at a friend would 

fsll," • 

So didat thou sbg and !o I to th»e it oame 

like a friend's siiddeii olasp, and all was 

•till. [thy famL- 

Sleep well by Ihjr lovrd Thame*; heaoeforth 

With that of '■ Thyrttn " blent shall haant 

Each reach, each islet, all [each hill. 

That spreading tcene whiob Clocod and 

AsjtoLu lov*d ; [more. 

And men of English mould will love it 

Thinking, on sCvery flxidand verdant shore, 

"Here Apxold sang, here trentle Tkvrtit 

roTwIl" 

• " Tlyr.if," Htmiiw AasoLo's eiquiiito 
Monodj on thn ilvith of his frieod, A^Tncn 

Htiau Ci-otau. 

Tiinro iir the ytraKiss. — As might hare 
been expected, tha Fiery Fruciea has b^m 
"making it hot" fi>r some of them in his 

lecture «a reported in la*t Friday's Tiinn, No 
one conld ni"re appmpriately do this than tbo 
Fien' FCRi'is". Hi* lOBtrnntiTo and amusing 
Leetur*^vidently df'iiU with hnrutng qni-a- 
tions. His next disoonrte will probably hn 
headed. "Cremation by Fuurm," in whinb 
he will discuss the utUltr of bniniDg bndios, 
and the adviKability of seleoting on« consider- 
able bodv— that of the Royal Academy— for 
an initial eiperimtnt. If he rannot obtain 
the cnliru iiody, he will be content with 
rottiting ono mpmber ul a time. This FrusTM 
bum* brightly for nearly two botirs, and Qo 
SMt of iatorraptian ever puts him out> 



Ooethe and the Very Dickens. 

ilephifSophfUs, '"The Spirit who douiei." 
is tlie embodiment of Univtrail Sotplicism. 
Mrt. I'ln^, who "didn't beliere there waia't 
no snob person" as Mn. Kami, is the illus- 
tration of the particular Sceptic. The firat 
include* the eeoond. and a term which shall 
bo a combination of the twa may well ei- 
preu modem sceptioiam ; and this term ii 
" Mephiit^helian-PrigS'sbnws." 

Hr. Arthur Koberta'a Lament. 
1 CAsjtoT sing the old wng 

i Which line ptrhapK you've heard); 
not like the old song 
As sold by Messrs. ShkaBI), 
Uy serioDS repatation I 

Hiut keep np in Lon-rfon,— 
That second line is halting, but 

'Twill be correct if you don't pat 
" The " (proper) "oKrnt an." 

Somrthise: uik a CoHviTKSioif.— At the 
tint o<inf*renoe o( the I'aitora' Collpge Evan- 

Splical Association last WiJneiEiay, when 
Ir. Spuitijios raado one of his mjet telling 
and characteristic sporohes. a Convertol Devil 
•ddresaed tha Aatembly. True he was only ■ 
Print«r'j P«vi1 ; but this is a step in thn 
right direction, whioh wonld have aeliKhted 
the Original riBiaBS and gen*r?nB RondiK 
BiTBHS of Ayr.— of that Ayr, by the way, 
whence came tue pair Printer's Deil in qnaa- 
tiun. He wns one of the " inko goid." 

A l>ii.xu«i.— The Managers of St. Jamw's 
Thcotro have decided not to keen I'A< h'i/r't 
Stcrrl, but, on tho other hand, they can't Let 
it oat. 




I 



I 



PUNC3H, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



(Apbil 28, 188a 



THE WATER-COLOUR INSTITUTE. 

Sts JAiCEi LnTOir, yon '11 first notios, hM»«plBBdid " Saekaritta," 
Near it TaoMis's " Vrrandah " h«* a raoit oBpleMUit shtoe ; 

Bui, sa one RTeat oanioUtion, joa Mn nvrer fail to taLu ft 
Cferer " Dohful Dumpi " by XKrara, that '■ hann upon the lin«. 




"Oar JoUjr TouDg W«ter-(ColBijr)-Man." 

Here'i Juiss Obbock's " Oa tA« Solieaif," Ebvest Pahtoit paints 
M birches, 
AsTHUK SBTXitK MiuMl-iratherer* who &t from Uorcoaiobe Bay ; 
Wbtl* our EnitiXT Riuwkllx ihotrs its quite the loYelieat of 
oburoht*. [i'l? Orty." 

And wbU Josspb Kbiobt's depicted what he oaUs "The Mont- 
la the next room we've some Weebows, whioh are briaht and 
rMltftio, [can be ; 

While Chullcs Oreks hw made his Torveydrop as perfect as 
Would that Oskoobt's "Maroontd" were far lees hot and 
inartiitio,— 
As a cnntraat. note hnw Wtlue or how BiOT hu treated tea. 

Hranr MuDt-TCcm's " FUhmtngtrt'' Bali and Vine o/ London 

Bridge " is 

Neally piiiiit«d, and there 's olererneis in KiLBiTBXK'i old gavntto ; 
Bliwra miEs has shown as trawlers orossing heavy ooean-ridgea. 
While Stock's «onl in oantemplatiDQ rivals even Oldham's Stott, 

PasBine on, we note Count Sickbidokp's "Sun Remo." then the 

haunt*d 
Chamber Xash has deftly painted : and a picture teUi the tale 
Of how men are sore deceivers : there the Soot renda on undaunted, 
lo " T>if CwmanUri '' fueling that the bible will prevail. 

There is WiBSRH's "WtaUh of JToorffenJ," Tkkkt's " InUrenting 
Story." 

In"^ Chaptrrfrom Ike Koran," lol the auditors are rante; 
And there's man]:' another painter who destrves his aetd ui ^lory ; 

Bat the bard hat spun six stanzas. Quantum tuff., Institut^l 



THE "iPRODIOT" 80S3. 

Thi infant Oreo Erones— a name very gaggeetive of a ohJoken 
teareely out of its shi-ll^has, it appears, been performing at the 
Phiibsrmonio, a ciroamntanna whioh the Mnsioal Cntio of the Timtt, 
who vetj reuouahly ursei tlmt, na the Souiety ia supixised lo repre- 
sent thy iatereits of high-clais muiio, it miftht be ahrn-e yicliling to 
the crsie of tho hnur, confesies he views both with snrpriBe and 
regrst. That there ia a regular tliiod of theie musical prodiities 
Weateuiag Iji sweep ovnr every concert-hall platform, there is nut a 
doubt ; and while toe public rnah in applauding crowds to weloome 
them, it is not eaiy to sm wtietv it is to stop. As long as the fever 
lasts, their jiarPDta, wliatonr their weight, may be eoimted ution to 
keep hurryinff thnni to the "aoaW," and set them down to the key- 
boald prarjtising till th*y are ofl*n literally laid on their Baeh: 
Meantime, while the infants struggle, it ia becoming a serioas ques- 
tion (or the reKular adult purformers, who will Und their ocRupation 
gone, and otrtsinly uijt know what to do with themselves, if the former 
are to have it all their own way. For them, whatever the public 
may tliiiik of it, the malti-r will undoubtedly bo no mere " ehild's- 
play," and they will aurely hall any signs indieating that this 
rvDcat determined invasion at the eonuvrt-room by tho nursery ts at 
all on the wane, with every cxprcsiian of unfeigned delight. 



{Theu proceed to tzamint the pictu.Tt$, 
• they 'ye all got ft little red spot on the 




VOCES POPUU. 

AT A BOND BTEBET GALLERT. 

^cm—Ezhihition Jtoomi of a leell-knoam Art DeaWt, \efuir* lh4 

main attraetion is a very charming eotUetion of Japantit imprtt- 

tioni by a Ititing Painlir. In the firtl room art ditpia</«d 

miicfUaneowi landteapei and figvTe-tubjfCtt by other painlert, 

tchich two Prosaic Peraoos are inspecting in putxUd ititnce. 

Fint Prataic Periim (afttr examining piclurtt ef eoatt leenery by 

" Mr. IFilliam /ttott, nf OUlham "). I dareiay it 's all ritht— bnt 

it's not my ides of Japan I [Feth raguety dtfranded. 

Second P. P. [seniMj]. 1 expeot, if tee truth was tild. moat 

places are pcetty muoh alike. Seems to be something going on in 

the further room, though, — better go in and see if there 's anything 

to be seen there, eh ? 

[ Thry enter the inner QalUry, which it drapci in dull rarnatitm 
and pate yelloio, and hang leith ikelrhei framed in aid gold 
tmd dead eopper, arranged in sumetckaC irregular order. 
Visitari are moring tloufly from one pietare lo the vthtr, 
making mthmiattic comTnenti in a rererent trhitptr. 
Firel P. P. [a little dubiously). This looks more like it Vflrj 
eooentrio. though, itioking the pieturea about in patches tilce thUl 

Second P. P. [shrticdiy). Oh, they naturally want to make 'em 
go OS far as they com, but they might have hung 'em in pattemt, — 
mneh neater-looking than this. Will yon get a Catalogoe, Vt 
shall I f 

First P. P. [inthout feeling in hit pockets). Well, I'm not fUTB 
whether 1 have any silver about me. . 

Second P. P. That little .Tapanese girl, who sells them, will five 
you change, if you aak her. 
Firtt P. P. [annoyed). How the dooce am 1 to ask for change, 
hen I don't know the language ? 

Second P. P. Oh, I'll set it, then. IT make her andarttand 
somehow. {Goes up to little Jap. Lady, anil prweedt tji gettieutatt 
etaburat^ly with a i/nUing.) You give me— one book, I give you — 
this. You undemtandl' 

Jao. Lady iiedalflj/]. I unnerstan* vorri well, But the Oatalog:lie 
is only seekapence— I oan give you change. 

Second P. P. [returning lo frimd with Caialngue). Wonderful 
how you oan get along witlt ^igns 1 I never have any difBculty 
wherever / go. 

First P. P. 1 wonder why 
frame P 

Second P. P. Oh, they put that on to show they 'n sold, 
as a star, you know. 

First P. P. Bat some nf them are UekeUd "sold." 
Second P, P. [staggered). Well, you may depend on it, it isn't 
done without turns reaion. Pity be don't tinuh his things mora, 
isn't it ? 

First' P. P. 1 daresay he wasn't given time. I've heard ths 
authorities are Tery partioalsr out there. (Pointing tn tkelch of 
rillage street.) Those Chinese lanterns aren't oad, though. 
Sicand P. P. K-no, but yon oan get them anywhere now. 
An Aneient Amateur {leilh loud vuiee. patrcnitingly tii Manager). 
I congratulate yon— very attrnotive exhibition jou 've got here— ex- 
ceedingly 10, indeed 1 

Manager [foreseeing a potential purchaser). It's having a graat 
success, aertaicly. Have you seen the Press notices f 

[Shotcs cuttings, mounted on pieces of cardhijarrl. 
The A. A. {\caving them away). I don't require any panors to l«ll 
ine what to admire. And I say again, there is some remarkably good 
work here- 1 don't care who hears me I 

Manager. Q,aile so— now hf rv 't a fine one, look at the purity of 
that oolour, now f And not exper»ivo. 

The A. A. Isn't it, though f Well, if Mr. (ntentiiming name nf 
risina Paittler), was here, loonld tell nim lomethiDg he might find 
worth his atl^ntion. 

Manager. I think he Is in the Gallery. Ah I there he is. Would 
you like to be introduced to him V 

The A, A, {with condei::ension). Certainly, oert&inly, hy all 
means 1 {Introductioti efftctfd accordingly. Rismg Painter tltghtly 
mystified.) How are you P— how are you? Very glad to bavethu 
opportunity. Always glad to see the younger men soooeeding. 
CRising Painter, tnore mystified than eter. teonders who the dene* 
he it.) 1 know all about these things. I daresuy vou '11 know my 
name when I mention it. {Importantly.) I'm Jibderlit, Sir. 
I'vefteeii to Japan. (At if the R. P. hadn't.) 

{By this tiau a email crowd has colUeled, under Ike imprettion 
that Ih* A. A. it (As Painter himttlf. 
Th* R. P. Icourttoitsly rague). Oh, JauBaaLxr, to be sui«— of 
oourse ! And you have been out there F 

2'he A. A. [louder than rt'er). I have; and I may say I know 
iom«thing of the eSecte it is poasible to get with that atmotphor*. 
1 skatohM ft good deal white I was there, purely for my own amiue- 
ment, yon uulfrrttaDd ({A< R. P. baioi), and 1 oan giv* you a hint 



Same 



im J 



AtKh 28, 188&] 



PUNCH. OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



301 




WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE IMPRESSIONIST) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. 

Out lmpTatitmi$t " \'ta,r Si.orFr, iss'titI" 

Our Xurfy Critic "Vxll.—I 9Hoiru> nzvik a*T« i>4Kin> to sat m,— ktt, 
min Toc MBNTiox tr ToirKsiLv, I bonestlt ooxfwh I thihk it'* mr 
Sioprr ixviKD.'" Our Imprraieniit. "1 'm av^kxiv's or TH* IVeatbumI" 

Oar lady Cri'.ie. "Thk Wbathbk I Ob, Tag tf'x.trffM wk't Storrr t" 



.dUienext? 
A Jtpanein Fifioe ftt 



jwa Duty flod luefal D«xt tim« yna go. Ton B«t Mme rio«— plain, ordinftrr 
rico— you foUow me? (OwwruJ inffr^jit on ;)nr( n/ Public.) Well, yon boil it, 
■trftin «it Ui« water, and nat in your nkioa with that, d're see f {Supprrtirii 
/ttryoft part of R. P.) You'll find it'll (tiTd a glaii'. Sir, that it would t«k« 
fon ft lifetime to («t ia anr other vny I Ana (imprvMiVfiV) there 'ethltfurthHr 
■dnntajre — whfu you're dor«, thtru's your rice, »» tood et erer. Now, yon 
tlJn UT advice, and (ry it. Oood day— moit hapny to huve hwa of bd^ wrvice 

toyOO,' [lixit A. A., teatinf JC. P. ptrfrmy tpeethint with indtgnalion. 

A iftU-triMniny Ladif-l'iiilor, They're eimply lno lorcly. alloitncm. I 
eonld qui'-o f«ncr myBfll la the JapaiMe VUltfe at Kuiithtitbridi;!-, you know ! 

f\ril P, P. {lo Seeonti diU«). Here, yoK 'v ([Ot the Catalogue— what's No, SB ? 

S*cond P. P. " The Taft-Houae of the Slender Trees "—at leaat {eavtioutt^) 
that '( what it '» ifoicn as. 

Pir$t P. P. IbloHkty). Oh,afaiie7 title, I'eapi 

Btcond P, P. (.Ttftrrit^ to Caiaiogut, m btfare). 
the Fair." 

Ftrti P. P. A Jhmium wAoi at the Fur P 

S*cimd P. P. '*FifiDe" leenatobe the lutive namn for a ^1 oat there. 
Here'e an odd tabjeot now^Pa. " Tteo Singing Girlt icniiing for a Jim- 
riduhaK." Don't understand what thitt mean ■— sound a liko non«»niie to rm. 

t JF^A M Am W/iy (i/ iiii/ing that it in nvntrntf. 

Firtt P. P. No nihjeat in that, I like a picture that ttlls joa «t ajjkuup 
what It '« all eboot, hut what are yoatomaka of a "jimrickshaw?" Wtiat'i 
tlkia one with the umbrella "i 

Btfmd P. P. {reading). '" Tk« CktUl «ni the '.UmbrtUa.* The umbrelU 
ie pitched bf Uu ude of the *t«.ll to nhade it from thu intenae eunli^ht." 

FirH P. P. (nupwaMMly] . Is that in the CutaloL'tu ? 

Sirotd P. P.(hurt\. Too can r*ad It for youridi if ron tike. 

Flrtl P. P. WdJ, tie needn't have gone to Japan to fiadontCAot.'. Hare fon 
had egiMuh ol Itf 

Saimd P. P. /don't want toeManymoiV. And (trifA a ikote af kumility) 
It nay he my had tatt»— perhapa it is— but I'd ratbor haro onejiood honwt 
Ba^b oLeofraph than a dcoen of theie >ntlandi*h thin^ {Proudly.) l[ 



would indeed I [ 7*^ maki tfuar loaff out, teith glancet 
of teondering pity al Ihf otfur Vititorl, uho (not &>u>f 
PfDuin PsreoDs) art ttuneing a vtry m^uiint apprMtaUon 
o/ thu Ejhihitiim — a eircwnitanre wAicA poitMy eoiM 
tola tht Riling Painttr and hit Managtr far any txetjh- 
tiotu to tht gtntriit tuU. 



I'ATJDACB 1 ! 



Detcmdaee, itiam dt Vaaditeit, tMv'mtrtdtFatUbtetf" 

Ox t^c nld nueet, and afttr the old aoarrr f 
Aadaoity a tht arm for mdi ■ teak. 

The lisht ia tital^, from uee, and eomethtnr ROrrf, 

Of olimbinj^ Cjrur with the patriot maok. 
Great Qnele. liltie Nephew, in suah fashion 

Clambered and olutuhMl ; may uut auother eoale 
Th« steep whoee fair llr»t al«i) la patrijt ^usuon, 

A eplondid prut«zt Botdum known to fall f 
Ho for the eyria '. There the golden eaele 

PeroheH, B bttle ahabby- plumed of lato 
'Tit true, nut qaite aa utiriuuity iirKal 

As when cif old he sat in loltmn itat<>, 
F!an«cletl hii[h. and iprpadiaj; miirhly pinion, 

fieady lor arrowy ftntlit ct thuiidur>«iB awoofi ; 
Lord of the upper ether's large domioiaa. 

King of the moTmtaia-Innntiin hatpv troop. 
BoKo'e nimie eAglea " (tlaml in ^Id ; thii orcataro 

Qlued at the enn with crbi altnwt ai briaht. 
Afe-diBmed f Parobance ! Hut each Stymphalian 
feature, 

Tlie braien elaw, the biak of troo might 
Hemain to mark thr brcrd, eabli»e, priidadooa. 

And noalt«d plnmM Bay be nprtuud in eooth ; 
Swnpioir again athwiirt iti air-r««ln epacioiu, 

The Imporial Eaftln may renow Hm fmttit. 

Oinfc, olut.ph, bold climber! Foothold Biort i^ecarionj 

Thiiee creitR itB-iti : but there the itotden prize 
Perohee alone— ouuh birda are not frreffariont — 

Peerlnir down on yua with haJf-eorlona ejee, 
Tboee eyea that Heannod the Ooratoan, and fentted 

Upon the leBier hero Hrao BcourBcd. 
So toueh u talk muit nut ho botched c-r bojfftled. 

But with audaciuuB oaulion ihonld be urged. 
"jBe bjld — bo bold — be not too boldl " To meaaure 

Slpf-nRlh. rkill, and diuHni; aitfully aright 
li not for bun^Iors. But ih&t tvmv>tin|; iroaaure ! 

The phmipe ft( lofty plan- iind Bjilendid Sight ! 
A'tliouRht to fire — and dmilc. t rom below yon 

Kin^r* on your cor tho iioklo mob'a aoolaim ; 
Tbej wateh, tbcy wonhip. Some day thef will inow 
yon : 

Will the Ute knnwlfdgft safety brinp, or RhameT 
Sednn nnd St. Helena t*ll their aUiiivi, 

But tboee iceni olii wives' fnhlta when the chanoe 
RflTenge of loatohiug, of renewini? (tJoriee 

Swims on the ken ot ■plendouT-loTioit Praoee. 
The Dove ie a tame fowl ^ perpetual cooing 

Falls on the Oallio ear, what time so near 
The strennonn Teuton the War Qod is w^Xfinir. 

The EiiKle I Ah 1 Olod mcmuiii'e, triumiiht dear, 
Link with the Olympian (owl, and who 'U remembco' 

The Bird ot Jove is also bird of prry P 
Oh, Van ut Deatlny, Man of Deoembcr, 

Yuur SIiadeB muat surely watuh your Pianiw to-day. 
This Bfiaruply lojkn the KiinU' thil unOp tlutlered 

Eaiopn'i scared Courts from London to Berlin, 
Whan Valtnre, Uawk, and i^aloon ahriekvd and sont- 
tcrod 

Before its swoop with dire diJimay and din. 
More liko the prisoned eagle, sink and sulky. 

Thill cannot rovo or rend, and will n'>t pair. 
Ariii j'lt our latest crsgimoti, bcld^ an4 bulky, 

With none ton much of the heroic air. 
The Boul»vartlier'a Banrfeo<«-Bayard, strng|lM 

By the old stt^ to the old eyrie. Tea I 
And will the old end umni the old. old Jngslei t 

Can France foreeee, the World donore tun r<iM>F 



OinifOns Naih — When Qanerai Itocuvaint appears 

in public, he i» grnemlly acocimpanicd by M. Ijiiimlixt. 
That KaXTLiVatii and I-i-otiKKiu: should be ifiteparaUM, 
— ^ JiHtIM li p*ut»r. 



302 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Apbil 38. 1888. 





"THE 



SERMON QUESTION." 



Curat* lUiaiia^. " BcT wav DO T0t7 Object TO aiviNo * Himk dpbiso th« Collictiok t" 
JtrcUir [/"raflkiil). " WsLL, Tou eRB, 1 prriob a good Bbrhon, which 1 CA.umt,t,Tti 

NnoULD MOVB TBB I'lOFLE TO AM JkVEBAOl Or HALr-A-CSOWX KACn ; BUT I riND, DDBINO A 

MHO Htum. tukv hkbm to (hml vjws, aks it sabklt BRrnas a SaauNa a hbadI" 



NOVELS AS THEY ARE WROTE. 

Axiiofit bi diaonver whether tbirre were EmT^oandi for tbestatement reoentlrpTil forth by 
Mr. Walteb Biisam' in regard to the work of the Doreltit, to the efiect that no morln^ 
litndtioa ffos ever yet dejnat«d that did not cauM the author Bnttnish and tears," and nlio 
with a view to aacortAining hov far the writers of modem flotion, before they are able to 
irapreu their reuiera with tho fiiroe of any nartionlar sitaatioD thef attempt to descrihe, are 
nn<i»r th? □tctafity of fir«t praotically r«aliBing it (nUy themnelvea, onr Comraiasioner. in 
ocmionnitr with his an notin cement mncli) Ia»t wef'V, hasheen hnrryinit about, and inlerviewinjf 
amnl well-known anthiira, in the hiijits of thnwing sumo light on tH« suhJHct, The following 
tt4t«mrnary of the resolt of suoh intliiiri>« rw hn hiis iw.-en enftbled Vi mak^ in the interydl. 

Mr. Wu.LiAK Buck ihoMURiilr ftg fit M «ith Mr, W*LrFB Bes^nt. He notonly<irin«and 
lADgh*, hot sinfpi, and even daooet and ruam ovir hi« work, Mootnpletelyiibuoftrriodawftrby 
it. Thi* i" e"p<«itlly the'ouet]ihiadMcriiilii.iui.il natitnt jm-Tiomfna. Bonutlinstt indepiotLDR 
a storm, hu ba« nat in hla ftndrwlth an (rg^'ii umhrvlU <iVBr him, and era TOHied into an 
adjacent room to have k ahower-bkth, from which he boa emerifed dripfAag, to finish his 
ohaplcr. This has fr«[iu«Dtly pna him TioUnt ioflaecza- But he li anre tt ha* enabted him 
io nuieh bis puhtio. 




Mr, BiDKR Haqgabd ia of tho same 
ofdnion, and he eaanot oonaeive a atronx 
ntuatioa affecting the reader whioh hat not 
powerColly sfteated tlie anthor. He wroto 
the faiaoQB upotlicoiie of " She " in a 
darkened room, with a fUming bowl of snap- 
dnpm before him. nnd na he realised the fnll 
homwofthe scene he was desrribing-.hefairly 
yelled, and jumped rannd the room, leapioff 
over the aofo, ohoira, and tables in hia wild 
eioilement. Uitimitely collopjiag ta a 
HDnilhered heap on the hearth-ruif and np- 
settioR the oon(«ntB of the eniip-dragon bowl 
over him, he was discovered enveloped in 
blue flame by his Seoret&ry, who finally 
pot him out. He then erept to his chair ana 
pat the closing linea to tho loene. AJl hia 
best work has been done In thia faahion. 
He believes it to be tho only way. 

Mr. Lon:a HrnvTrnsos ulwaya idenlitifa 
himself with hia own characters. When 
bnildinf up tho peculiaritiee of Me famous 
villaina in tiis romanoe of Trmiurf Itland, 
he oaed freguenilf to apond his apHru tima 
in creeping abont thp houstf Blt-althily and 
ohacklinif over their evil deeds, and he would 
oftea, when duiini; out, tind himself, in 
the intervals of ounveraation, involuntiiril]' 
tinging "t'iftren mm on a dead mant 
chttt ; y« ho .' hi, .' Ao .' /<tr a hottU of 
Rum ! " Even the episode of throwtiii; the 
omtuh was rehearsed. He (long a pair of 
drawinit-room toDg^i throofh a wiasorra- 
tory at a parrot in a brass cage, and 
brought it down. That ia how he got 
his insoiiation. He felt intetuely theneoea- 
aity of realiBinjr every line he wrote, and 
hts lif^ had in consequence become almost a 
sueoeHairjn vl frrmnaetics. 

Mr. Mabion CRiwroRD never pute two 
to paper without "tears and anguiih." 
Whoa in his recent novel, P'ttil Paloff, 
he began deaoribing the eooentrioitlM of th« 
heru's mother, he had to be removed to Bed- 
lam to flniah it. He weepa cupinQsly over 
every line he writes, and never sits down to 
B freah chapter without heinir first pwvided 
with a large anpply of pocket liaodkerehiefa. 

Makib CoftXLLt ia powerfully affeotwd by 
Iwr own oonceptione. When eOKneed In tha 
production of her novel lenrffWu. she was to 
engrossed in her aabjeot that sh-i felt lieretli 
several limes impelled by an almost uucoo- 
troUahleimjiinlie to waylay the tai-oolUotor 
andatab him withapaper-knife. Thua she 
nonriahed a reiil thirtt tor veniteajiae. Even 
her publiahiTii were atlaat afraid to meet her. 

Mr. F. Ahstet, th? moment he aits down 
to hia atudy-tsble, is so uonsoious that he 
ought to put aomethins funny on to piper, 
that he not anlreqnently goes into aaoh lita 
of laughter that he is utterly unable to 
bold his pen. When at work on his Fiillen 
Iilol, he was so often in hytterii^s from thia 
oauae, that he produced the greater portion 
of it in oompasy with his Medical Adviser, 
who had to bo porjictually lowering his 
spirits by the adminialration of powerful 
■edatives until the last ohupter was dniahrd. 
He wrote the whole of hia tint novel. Vict 
V»rtS^jA a scream. 

Mr. HAWLKr Smart feels that, t" rwoh 
hia reoderii. on Author muit put blmMlf 
in the pucition he endeavonrs to deKrJbe : 
he has therefore wrttC^D every lloo of his 
latest work. The Oaltiilrr, on the knifo- 
board of an omnibus, 

Mr. LovisCAREOLexprestedniTptlMtlut 
it waa not generally known thathJewntatbe 
greator portion of Alite in WondtrUitd 
while standing OD hit head. Tb!sw«*howhe 
got holdot the"Jabb<.Twock." Ho had r*- 
ci^iitly been eojmnd on n uuw wttrk, dniiim 
the pruduetloD ofwhiuh he h«d turned fre* 
qurut back -Homenaul tti. Ha fully eonoomd 
with Mr. Walter BEiAxr'aprotnrition. 



Apbii. 28, 1888.] 



PUNCH. OR THE L0N1X)N CHARIVARI 



203 



ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

(xrRAcriD rnoit 

XBE DlARf OF TOBT, ILP. 

JImu» ^ Cemmuiu, Mutdaii, April !C.— Hon d«bat« od Seoond 
Bcadintoi Lonl OoTHBamt Bill. Cooxntnltdofi. droe^iagmto 
bU Hamorial the referaiiM to ProportitiD*] ReprfRcntitioa which 
■mil him u hcwl vf Kutg Cqarlu tur Fikst lerved another 
IBJmnt mas. After bta GBm« CaAUBKUi.ii». Atpt^ct of Hooki 
■nddralT ohanetd. Bonohei filled up. Miimhertbtoarne nwlt? in- 
UlMtod. SctRu to be, iit«r all, ftom^thiag iotcUiriblti in Bill. A 
■trikincfpMeh. floont, oaIl(^i■o, admirably phrwaxl, and meroifnllr 
brief. xMebta up. moTfOrvr, with *ome of tboM littla thrait* at 
Tmiiw triandt, which m deliithu H>^iu«. CaoKnre.Y plsffullf 
AaSad ; QuDnoxi who, fo^tu^>^^lr, did not happen tu b« preMnt, 
pat hopitloialr in tha wraig. Uuin»:i.Lt &t ouu puint TBQtiued to 
M7a "Oh!" ; thoQitht he wciald have hnsa 
«haw«d up en the tpot. CocvludFil lo liat«n 
to rrauiiunc portiona ol apotioh in eili-noe. 

HABiisoT<iirK)(ulnt«rMt«d,thiit he didn't 
M^BOfe tltaa forty wink*' ■!««(> thmughuut 
OwMKCoh, Qait« cioeptiun thu. Bob pTO- 
fltedumteiuelr uut ut dubale ai far oi it tai 
foae. Loulu furwiu'd to miuy peaoofnlereo* 
iDgi in Committee: diweu't mind on oooa* 
siunal latv oiicbt iir uiui^ptiuuiiUy Imtd work 
thruuKh the da>'. Whenever LudbI 0<iTeni- 
meat Bill in on ifoes duwn U> Houw, wttio* 
him«eU in OurooF teat on fruct Itonch, 
oroHc* hi* lega, oliMeB hia eyei, f«lli ailoop 
like a shot. CuniiiKaL.iis'fl *iTaoity Utile 
dtitoibing. lint HAUTiHuioK made it up 
lattir, when Cuaixis row. 

" Waahtti)^Q Uissitm niitbing to tbii," tud 
OiURDULi'ii, moodily regarding thp loene. 
" Anyone mnld arranga a FiaheiT Treaty. 
CiitiTJiEUi.Aiit the only man ifho hiu been 
able to make debate on I,oDal 0»Terame<nt 
Bill InterottiDK since lUicatE bronjtht Bill 
in." 

WtLFBm LiivBOit poked fun al L'HuaxK- 
Liur'8 ebampi-mship of (^-leotMl CounoiUen. 
Objecti'd uoly to num«. Col! them AldtrmDO, 
and uU would be wutl. I.AneoK agreed. 
Dttw moviBK iiloturB u( Aldormiin ('Hii'iJlf 
and Aldtrmuu Barttelijt gomR to ('hutch. 

Wnt mwved to-day lur ehotion fur "Mid-Lanarkahire, So aiit 
SrxPKBt Uawmt. Pitv he waati't here jnst' another night to take 
pvt ia molt agaimt l>ord Advocat«. Tnii hunt forth after mid- 
nlghl. Tho lliCKis-(OSH moved OjipoBttion to particnlar Sootnh En- 
diiw3iecl jchcme. W.-ti Advoonlt roae, said not a woid for or ngainst 
RLhijiDe, but gave 9oQt«h Mcm)«rB terrible vtgginf; for oaming to 
lioQM and prMamiDgto coll in queation a lohemc approved by St/itch 
Bdncation Department. Sometiiing in appear- 
ance of Lord Advocate that would have oaniiid 
terror to Southron mind ; the tiiwrrin g form, t^ 
majesty of wrath, the llaihing eye. theqnivoriSK 
lip, all terrible. lint Soota-wno^hoe not t» M 
cowed. Tanied apon Loid Advcjc&t« ; angrilj 
proteated agaiiut fiU toolding. 

A pretty loene. Josbtb OtLLa lookinK on 
from below Chuifrway, tm.iled appronncl*. Ho 
knowinji but what, in time, t<jm»tlliB# mAi be 
mode ut theie i^vutub Mumbera, Boawaldn't 
iidji'uru till nuirli.T to one. 
Jiusinett <it,rw.— Local Owremioeiit BilL 

Tuttda^ tfifkt.—'Vfht.t a night we 
,:'- ..^ have had to be rare! Hok^s up for the 

pcndoTooa pwfumanfe throQi(h morn- 
ing ntticg. All began in little miitoke. 
Everybody thought Honw would be 
nmntedwhen ^VKAUCU took Chair again 
at Nino, o'clock. Coniequencewoa, evsry- 
oM. including Lord Advocate, aettlcd 
down comfortably to dinner. But Tte- 
totailvri intrrcRted in .S«<»nd Order, 
introdacing J«oal Option in Scotland. 
TMtotallertdoD'tWaQtaa much time for 
dioner aa other MOpla ; to dnwn in full 
force at Nine i>'oIook.> Count trird ; de- 
feated. Bbici move^d 8«>coad lU'ttdicK 
of Aooeaa to Scotch Mountaina Bill. 
to oppote meaanre. But where w&a 
tent out in aearoh. Acocaa to Lord 




Eiit Siirphen Uuoa. 




<>:..-- 



The JuduiLPUt M oLigan. 

Lccd AdTOMtft Inatnicted 
Lord AdTOCatef Sooute 



Advocate even more diffieult than aoceaa to Bcotch Honntains, Bill 



pauM Second Buadiog. McLicur moved Sootoh LomI OptiM Bill 
without sayiuK a word. A good dwl to aay : b«t litfd AdiMttt 

might be in any moment : lO the Jodloiooa MOtMAV pMlnKd Ul 
apeooh. and got hia Bill paaaed. At thi* nOBMnt LOM AidfOOafo 
arrived with ahining f»ce and dinner dreta. OecdjaUf ohMfad hf 
ikoU-h Radical UFmhera who had Jaat panad moit iioportaBt etage 
of two BiUa deiiiiiied to undermiae Coutitnticn. 

Thirty liilU on tho Order* ; all prirate Sfemberi' TontoTM: uoat 
of them horribly lUdical ; icuuta atill out: Mmtilera drop^ng in 
breathleM and alarmed ; Bnnohoi UllinK up cm both ude* ; erorr 
man in dinner -dr««i looking aa ij ho hM jnat ba«n tarn away from 
dioner-table when cigort and oMEIaa oominxaa. In meit*inact of 
moment, Kichard Tuipi.1 (ot looked in "Aye" Lobbjr; lUwood 
through "No" Lobby. Old Morality orrirt'd juat id timo to 
Bee him emerge. oSninir obairvationi un4*ratood to be Bindwta&Mt 
By Klsveu o'clock Hooae •luite full ; threw iteelf with ardour iito 
dtacuaaion of titeam En^inea and Boiler* Bill ; here Jacnos Hm- 
tinKuiahcd himaulf in quite unexpeotid foahion. Geona that, before 
boheuame financial Sccrutary. tpent hia youth in a boiler; hucarly 
manhood amonR- the tiiica. Old Horolity gazed at him with nn- 
feifood admiration. KowiSD Cluiki began ta thick it wu wcrlli 
wbtln being nuhcd from dinner-table to hear thi*. 

"If," iiaid Jacksom. with air of oonvicljan, "an «mploynr of 
labour doei not know tnat hii boiler ia ■abject to oorroatoc, wbare 
hia he livedo Some one *ay* ' No,' " Jackxo.v 00Qtiau«d, ficroolr 
turning in tbedireotioa of Mu.toKi-ui. "At an cmpbyor of labour, 
1 can My Ibit I itlwaya ]ooki>d aft<T my own boiler. 1 havo b«co in 
a bciliT wveral tiuii^B. and throngh all it« fluo." 

Huuae cheered euthuniMtioally. Jacknod not iioite the fipare for 
a oomfurUblc exploration of rcociaci of a flue. Bat a* Cumoc, 
iualouii fur verocit* of hi* ocUeagiie, *a;t, "He entered the lloe 
jwtoru hn entered the Hoote." No reeutiog flood of JaCKKHl'e 
eloquence. " Speaks oo fluently," (aid QKoBriB JoEn. Uuof phrMe 
ia Patliintentary aensu. Jackbon buret the boiler. Bill wjwted by 
OTtT whelming majority. 

" Thirf 'i a Oovemmunt for you," »aid Anniaox, 0,0. " Hit them 
wboro you like, Ihey ring out sound. Only Miniatry of modem tinea 
that inalndee * Uccnber at homo in a Uiiler, and flnaot about final." 

Sitninet* lion*. — liameine I Unpnotdonttd I ! Scmethinc like 
half a tcore of Private Bill* debated and diqiosed of I ! 1 Jacuoil 
emerged triumphant out of IMler Flue 1111 

Jf idntsday. Full attoudanceto-daf. Sooond tteodingof DeoMaed 

Wife'* Sitter Bill on again. 
LocKwooD lay* *he 'a the 
only Sieter Bill be erer 
beard of. Snp p oeii her 
fuU name Ja ViLHimrni. 
Smma a litde familiar to 
allude to her as "Biil." 
But that familiaiityuf long 
atauding. Been with liouao 
feir muuy year*. Member* 
know all sbuut arcDOrnt*. 
Have come to vote, ^\'ill 
But remain to liitoc : m> 
miDBed micioing jpoech of 
Houa Secuiitaiit, la which 
he aeduloualy triitted oitt 
Caeui.ial MAirvixo to 
aanction hi* illiberal view*. 
HL-oiit«-HALi.iirr, aitliog 
juat behind, much in- 
proMcd. HoxK StCKKTASr 
opposed Bill on ground 
that it would lead to in- 
naiou of saiictitv of do- 
mettio oiTcU. ana under- 
mine eoojilL purity. "Ahl" 
aaid Hciiut* - Humr* 
■uifling at Kont of vlolete 

.,j ,.. nun '" '''* bottoB-hole, "that 

Alderman Chaplin, M.P. ^jy ^^^ j^.. 

Bo when time came, ha wont out with Ilovi Skxxtixx, Csuum, 
and other good men, to VDt« against WlUtXLMIHA. 

Simple Jonii SiuoN met the Pieman, repreeented by Houa Sxobi- 
TAKT. l[tt«rly routed bim on questicn oT Jewlib pnetioe. Bsxii 
Fo" txit brought up re«erve*,pittiatOirdinal Hgwms against Car- 
dinal MAKiTiTin, and throwing fa OtidlBil VtHnux. Fo>m.u euo- 
oeeded in adding rar« loach of ioterett to well-wnra Uicmo b; 
relating forgotten itory of how the pttMot law woa Litahltihed. AQ 
about a Di:ke who loved bis Wilbklwixi and morriid her. Lni&- 
Hi'KST brought in Bill in Lords, which aid "' J'ako noX ffuilty, but 
no one etae must do it again." That 's the Uw in a cut^aL Uraea 
decided to crack it. 239 vot«d for UmnuoR'e BiU, IH^I agaiast. 

ituiineii done. — DoommkI Wife'a Sieter Bill read Seoood Time by 
ttAJority of 57. 




W- 



801 



PtINCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Ai>BtL %&, 168& 



I 



rAarjJay.—AstHCaBiiTODBrofcUr confined to-niglil. OenersUr 
thouxbt that loweit dtpths of burbaMM oraelly boeu .reMhea when 
O'Buxir'B brseehtn wure uinaiBd. 

No<r Swiexet's biiu.'uB are miMin;. 

BAU'ijm murfl Lh&ii tuntni^Ud. CiAvcc bring* ahufct in form of 
quvBliaiu Uiuiicji, irbito lu tbn lipi, trin to aaaame our ur. But 
ft. E*iiiUN'jio» itprcly pin* him to the (uit thnt when JoHs 
&wKJU(fcr eotcred G»lwny goal he wore brftoss— (" SusnendBrii" th*y 
wcro etUfd in the printi^d qiiditinn, bmcot not bi'iDj; a rurli&mcntuy 
wordj : wbtrn JoBM BwEEnxr wokn up one ra^irning ho fmod |iib 
tTU^odua had ditappatJud. likn tho *QOV on tba moimtcLiiu, Uku 
tba fwua oa th* rirar, (oae and for evwr. 

Whert »n tboM mpMideiii new ? E. HAutinoTnir Mhed. 

Ooilty blood iDonnted to fnrt<h«&d of Arthcb Bmjour, No one 
vren incicMt^ th»t he had pertonidly uppropri&ted Swbk'Ki'h 
KUl>«nd«ra. Sul tolwrt tetrt thry f No B&likUdt'ry aotwer. Wbole 
thine looked very b*d, and Ouvi-rumtnt sladlf ahaiiged sabjwt by 
rMUmiBR dtibftte on Local Ooierumtmt BiU. 

Bvtimti done. — Swessby's siupendnr* ■utemuly KxighL 

f'ridiiy. — Fircworka at Int. Hixth night of dabite on Seonnd 
Rtading of Lucul Uortrumont Bill. A tons, drprvsiinfr eipdrtoDcp. 
To-night, jiut wlien Ititkcrmg out. HiHCocHr lifrhled'np pUoo with 
eomiiDtlion of improaptus. " Went for " hii dear friend and !ate 
oolleagne Cat)tlttiilat!i with great gnato. Only pity rBiMKEB- 
IAIN not thor* to hMrit. Honsn enjoyed it immensely. C^aite tcok 
thine oat of 0<MCffni, who didn't mak'- tingle juke. 

MutiuMt ibof.— LomI Oovsnuaenl Bill read Secood Time. 



VALUABLE LITERARY FRAGMENT. 

It I* with much plsamro that w« publiah the following eitraol 
from a new hintorical (ilny, whinh, judging from internal evidrnoe, 
■Mini to have been writt«a by the joint Aothora of the latent Hay- 
market tacceu. 

SctXK—IIamfton CottrL fVit* e/ tkt period dueovertd laughinff. 

Lady of tKi Court. Ah, Mr. Sbkbidah and yon or>n*ld«r the poem 
1 have r(<ad to jtm will have gr««t weight with hii Majealy ? 

Shetidan [leilh a low buic). It thould, Madun— (or it is deuidcdir 
haavy. [Alt laugh. 

Drvdtn- Put that in your next oompdy and bnry it. 

tToktt a pinth nf tnuff and nuJ^i ClfiBKU. Sonit laugh, 
'ibbtr. It WDold bo Hicrin the Doctor's Diotionary— <Aer« 
DO one would read it. 

[Takei tnujf and nuiJget SoxEIDAV. All laugh. 
Jahntoti. That i* a matter ot upiniun. Ur. Cisbkh ; bnt rentember, 
U Bmwell sayi. wo cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's oar. 
[DKrnxir, ClDBU, and BsEuntH nudgt each other and take 
muff. Johhsok ie«u>U, &ome laugh, 
Htrald. Th»KiDpl 

Fliiuriih of trumpet*. J^ntfr WiLLUJiiitxTiimiidMifQaeen AanK 

tcilh Court. 

King. Where is the Dueheas f 

Colley fibber iieith a lou> bow). I tiresnme. Siro, you ub for the 

l)uch-*M M a l>uUfi-Bxaa)l [lAo A'l'ni/ iniUm. All imiln, i;c(rpt 

the Black Page in the coriur. 
Flourith of trumpet*. Kntcr Ih* Ihubtu of Makibobouob. 

King. 8a, my Ijirds and Oontlomen, you are in Hampton Cooit, 
anil you ar« plRsii-d with it Y [Only the Black Pays imsfaa. 

Dryden {teilh a ^w ioic). Certainly, Sire, we find no hamper in 
Eara)>too. [AU Uu/jh. 

Kuiif. Quit* 10 ; but it is not aTory bird that knows his own nest 
OB a naiket day in 8i-pt«mber. {Ba'f the Court laugh. 

Colley Cibhtr {half atide). That depends, yoar Uajeaty, on the 
oompany ! ^Ntarly all laugh. 

I>tJoe. Bat Tou fcvgut that two '• company, and three none. 
[K'udgtt IIbtde)[, icAo chuckle*, tsnd nudge* COLLXT ClUXK. 
fioma lauah. 
&mfl (ealirieally). Except on Ash Wedneaday. 

{_AU laugh except BoiiWKlX, and the Herald icilk the trumprt. 
Zady Iff the C<rMrt (curtieying). Nay. your KvTtrDUi.-e, yua lorget 
th&t 4 mitlor in a white hat has »m much right to look at • oat as a 
king. [DitTDi:.<< nudft* ClUUEU, wAo nudgei JuusttOX. All three 
laugh aeide, 
Sheridan. 1 am rcmindml by your Ladyship's observation that 
thoM dock* aro patting their heads nndei tne water for divers 
reanoM. [Everybody laugh*. 

Oliver Qoldtmith. What do fon know aboat water, yon impecu- 
nious one f Unlvfs you take it m Fiwuh a* * owe T 

life ntulgn Collet Cibbkb, *eho toalk* angrily away, u*ing 
gvld-he'ided cane. SomeUtugh. 
Steele. Which would be appropriate. You would ripeot tu find 
M ho* near a rake, [Ail laugh except JoHKaox, icAu nudge* Cisbeb. 




Additun. Talking of r.ikei, I mppo*e you would buy one with a 

[fait** nmf'and offer* box to Dktoe, teho pocket* it. Exit 

Dep^k. followed by APDisox. Svjiie laugh. 

Juhnton. Well, and why not)" A shitliugis, after all, only twvlro 

peuue, and although I msjr he a penny wise, tht-re is one oIuIm to mo 

who'wiuld bv a pound f uolish — or a priilosuuher ! [Ail laugh, 

[Exit the (iumn. much annoyed, fulluurid by Ihe iJuohu* of 

MslU.HOai)UO!l, utingfan. JCxit Plaek Page. 

King. 1 oan well believe that, for I have often buta to the Treasury 

and 

tiryden (boaing obnquiou^y). With your Msjeaty** patdou — 
found it e^ty ! 

[The King lauijhn heartily, aitd *lapt Dktdo' on (A* hack. 
F.rrryboily in exmieuUtuH* and ilappiiig everybtdy •&« en 
th* back, ilutic. 
King, Well anrned. Matter Poet; but metbinks good CoLun 
CiBBSK, there i* as mu«h n'^w* in a hazel not aa an lnt«lliir«aoer, 

Cntley Cibber. And so. Your M«je*ty, I take my Iosvh 

Slieridan. Wblch is all you oau take without the help of a Fnaoh 
Diotl<ioary I 

[CoLtiT CiBBEH graiel* and aii( tloiely, at if not hwciitg got a 

repartee quite ready. DUTUEN and JofCSSOH nudg* n*ck 

fitner^ and try to conceal thetr laughter. All laugh. 

King. You press hun too hard : remember that when a grub ii 

broken on the wheel you aannot eipcot it to turn out a butterfly. 

Sheridan, ijaving your Uajeety's pressnoe— esoept it b« well-brad. 

Like a half-opt n door — uot only a door, but 

King. A Pomp-B door 1 [Eierybudy roaring irilh laughter. 

Lady nf the ( 'riur( [eouvuhfd toxth •ufrrimtnt). Nay, 8ir«, as jou 

are strung be merciful I [Stoixnu, 

Drydnn. Merciful. Madam 1 In good aooth, your reqnett, tike 

your weight, should turn the wales— aa a fish does ! [Some laugh. 

Re-tnltr Collet Cibbkb. 

King. Well, and what is the latest news 'i 

OoUey Vibber {with a profound boa). I r«gr«t ta My, poor 
Hsjesty, that Clueen ASXIudeadl [AU laugh, 

CurtoAt. 



IHE BOYAL SOCIEIY OF PAINTERS IN WAT EK- COLO L'tta 

Yoir 'LI. find a vast variety of piotnres here to eon, 
Here bright, and true as ever, is our exooUont Sir Jovxl 

And BiuKKT FoitZB'B 
skilful hand doth ex- 
quisitely traoe 
Th* oohiur and th« 
beauty of Teront'i 
Markatpiaoe; 
While HSRBKBT Hae> 
B&ill's London Views 
are full of London 
tonv. 
An<t Hiss MoHTAI^BA'a 
Veoioo it dolioions you 
will own. 

The " Loiterer*," by 

ALrBED Faii-f, th> 
" Quay Piiol," dona 
br HiLK, 
And SMAi,Lrii[i.n'> 

"Sleepy f!uH*x." to 
"ritw you will not fail; 

With Hmr's freth 
Itrtfzj landioapuB how 
dt<ligbted, yon will 
b.', 

Aud Moosx's pellttoid 
breakers save excur- 
sions to the tea. 

Theru is Amdiuws' VIbw 
ol StraabOBrr. tWa ia 
Faskkb'* "Marv€»t 
rime," 

And a piotore by OLtSDOMi. whioh is hard to get in rhyme. 
Thcro arc diawingi by Miss iixiaixtitv, by Winov, and bj 

WllAlilC. 

By BKivia, Boin, and BiunLgr— but allow ma jnst t* atata— 
Ther» are many more you'll look at; 'twill repay yon wall, I 

know, 
If yoa '11 drop In wuna fine morning to thia Watw-Coloor Show, 




Ihs Old (n*at) WstnrW Plaee Vat«ras, 
b, Psll Uall East. 



Toa DuvATin at jmm Lobbt.— Mr. Joaaa UtoMi i» Mid to 
be engaged on bringing out a new vcnion of The Slrmi*t»r. 



jri^JCM—Stjeetvd Ommanietuieta or CoBOlbntioiu. whether KS., frlated Katter, Drawings, or Ficteies of any ducnptioB. will 
zb «« nu0 bfi rMarafd. bm »ras tchftn accompanied by a Slampad aoA AUtumI LntAwM, Cotw, ot Wtappar. Ia tUa nda 



Uat 6, IS88.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




THE " MODEL AGITATOR." 

PlBucnoXK TOi Cbh.— Wita rrudj lo flan, jilaco llio tafupMl UlD Boor 
of the UuuK of Commcou, aiid (vilh ar witbcut mtndaocn) lUov the uitlc 

fcUow to 
pnKccd to 
till bbl* 
diinii( tli« 

nddniM of 
the Cham- 

CEU.011 of 

the Kit on K- 

Thi'to In. 
Btniitiiinn 
boioE (lUlh- 

foiir ob- 

wnM, ii 

will *1 onco 
_ broom" iiii 
__, object of ab- 
•aning tn- 
UiHt to Ihe 
SvRAKktt 

uiJ ihn Mraobtn of both ddt* of tbo IIouh, uul ii cakuliitei] la niM) Aa 
iiapotuiit point of urdn^ 

VOCES POPULI. 

AT THE FRENCH FLAY. 
Bckhb — A Briliih Thtatre, on tittft of icKkhthitt irrtfUlShli/ fitnnj/ 
fareiciil iv/iiKjy, " Lri Viracitcs d'un t'rai Lapm," ici/A the 
crlthriilrtl M. PATiTluii hi the principal rile, u in courtt />/ 
rtprrfinliiiion. " I.ct J'lVand'i,'' though eujnpaTalively tinoh- 
jtclioiuthU in iU tnaiu iJea, containt inculrnlf and allutioiu by 
tehich Britiih pjvpritlfi uH'uitl fm painfuHy acandtiiiatd in « 
literally lriintl<U«J Vfrnon, but ichieh, in l/uir nalirc form, do 
not teetn tamelunc to oatrage thu tuie^tHiHtiei of the highly 
retpeelable An'jlo-Saxim* of both HXM tmd carinuj igtt who 
ofeiipy ait the bett ttatt. 
On the Stage, H. PiTiTKia iV pUeouely iataiUag th« tlory of hit 
doBiatic unhappineti [to a cymeal fritnii. interrupted by frtquent 
m trr im tnt from the audience. 

In the Statu. Jlritiih Matron (lehote mirth u far Ut» reilrained 
than it leould b» in any other Stailt). Ob, it ia ruallytootuaafl I'm 
son t don't know vhat it is that makes ono Uuich sut 

i.And, lo do htrjuitice. ihe diiei not in the Unit, the only phraie 

IM taught bring — " Et cat tnuiouri emiune fu .'" Jiul it it 

M liVy nol to laugh ichen freryhudy tUt. I'l in fi(t. 

Britith Partnt itu hit Ditug\tr.r. mhom m Am brought here irith 

a cUte to diimpermg Awic far (An Am pmfiltd by thai year at the 

BoMloffne Boarding School — he hinutif it "a little rutty in hit 

f^miA,") WeII. I haven't beard you faoch maoh yttl Thonsht 

joa OBdentood th« Uu^raagu ? 

Tkt Damghter \hurl). I do, Pspa, I nBd«r«t«nd emyword ther 
My—onlri I don't always miite know what the joke* nvnn. 

B, P, [indignantly). And this ia w)iat they nail «duoatii>n nowo* 
da7«I Ah. well. I might havo Bpaied my money, it »e*m«. 

On Ih* Stage, Ulie. Ma^jIjiLI-EI:. oi " JUmr. Oandinois." ingt to 
VMor, " Aueyi ».Y(ms dotio, je voim prie, voiis nona (eiM Taiaitif- dc 
dtner ama nous re »oir, n'eat-oe put"" The f'iiiUir, "Cnnmoot 
dono— m*ia ^'est moi m oontraire <iui." JjT., Jj-c. 

In (A« Drett Cirele, t'lrit Brtttni \wilh a *miU of tubll* appre- 
titiion). Very Hnartly writteD, this dialoffM, eh ?— Ihst lail hit : 

[ff* rhtieklet jcicktdly. 
8«c«nd Briton (teho hat bttn trfrtlly wiihiitg thty ttoiildnt ipeak 
M eonfoandtdly fa4t.) Full of Mpn't— loll of r«^( .' We'renonatoh 
tor tlwm there ! 

[An atide u ipokm on itage. tehieh ei/nnillet the iniliatttl ; both 

Britoat a little late in lavijhing, and rtiolce lo icatch one 

anolher'i face in future~reinil bting that brfore end of 

!ie<xmd Atteaeh darkly tuiff eft the other of being a humbug. 

On tin Stage. " I.'Ami de la Maiton" ia '' SL Oandinoit:" 

"Froid*!' {Ainde,) Ah. non, par rxomple!" [Roar* ttf laughter. 

Britith Fiantie (itho it dttermintd .loflX thaUnot think her dull, 

b*hind her handktrthitf}- I*i*'' it killing f 

JbAn {i^h» hat bten btfinntng to thinh her raihrr too lirtly, icith a 
tlight utffumtt). Well, coma people might Sod Jt a trill* broM— bat 



»ttgiu Utffimtt). Welt, come peopl 
•0 ioat M ^'k amBHil — - 
B, F. {in «xlrem» totffttion). 



. Oh, I thought ihit pieM was all 
rittht— or I wOQlda't . ■ ■ lliat'a the teortt tit Frenon, yon n'r4r 
know t [ Witki* they had gone fo " Dorothy " intlead. 

BnwKEX THi Acts. 
I^y m Sot {bi hrr/rim-I). BoJoyliiK it. df nr t 
The FViend {raitilttrvatt}/). Oh.iomaoh' it'eperfcotly d^HfhKalT 
[With a tuidtn imputte ti> rviidoar.] Tou know, 1 didn't qmtt 
(nlinw uTirythinir they aaid- 

TOI. zaT. 



Pint Lady. Oh. butona dotin't—y;iM (tet into it by degTCM, JOU 
luow. Yon '11 find youraeU beftincinii to fcet mure MOiutcowd to it 
by the'time they notae to the «nd of the la»t Aot— At kut that'* my 
•aperience. 

In the Pit. Plain ifan (to QuitI Neighhour\. Coniool kind o' 
piece, eh ? Find yon monsge to oatnh the flriit of tt at all F 

The Q. y. (ipAo hat iperU mticA of hit time abroad). Oh— yes, I— 
a— think go. 

T>ie P. Sf. So did I, fir»t-rat4, and without knowinj; a iLoitlewoTd 
o' French eith«r. mind yon! I manage t« pick up what It'a all 
about us I BO along, and I'll lay I'm not for oat. I kn*w at oqo« 
that that old uhaii in ths Rmoking-oap wns put out about the way 
his dauichtai uorried on— that wor very good, and Uun his old wife, 
the oirna in, and thoro wus a ahiudy 

The Q. iV, (Ih, pardoa me. but you 're wroRir thaw. The oM lady 
was hia niiither-in-lau>, and ttio R-iil was hi* youajt wife. Ho has no 




datuihler tn the piece, and the idea ia- 
The P. M. Well. / 1 



— . . , . mode it out diffen-nt myself , any wfiT. 

[fli mdently prefirt hit (ncn inter pretaiion, lehieh IM Q. K. 
do** nut mak* any further tfforU lo correct. 
DcBiifH BtaoxD Act. 

On the Stage. Mile. UiKJ,trDl iSK, at the inemlahl* iitgfnu*. " ffi 

je m'amnse ioi ! Figurr;: toos quo " 

[5A>' tayi toiuething rtry nalTO indeed, lohieh M rttnved with 
vfronrioiti mfrrimnnl. 

In (he Slails. Young Wife {teho U almay* mtanmg " lo take up 
her f^rneh again,^' ta her hmiand. ttha ha* ffwn K*r to underslajid 
that he M perfeelly at hotiw in the tatiftlag»), aat, HxKHi, what was 
thtre so very funny abont that f 

Harry [who hat been laughing, tolely to ktep up Am reputation). 
Well, yuit aoe— it'a imjxniihlH to traniUtie the«e tMnin. [IVhich it 
i'.foT him.) It'a PuriiLBu. you kui>w— very Pumlonl 

Clott of Act. M. I'ATiiuA* (aflcr pri'ping through eurtaint), 
" Aif, aio'l la damn do rombrolk' ruuite ! Pinci- ! . . . Cotte porte 1 " 
(Opent door arid ihiUi H iharplj/.) '' Mmo. la Baronno! " [Opene 
anothtr, Mine. hutiHett.) " I* Ot^ni''ral 1 tui nuaai ! on m» (ourrer? 
Ah. ions 1« ounapi' ! " {Starting bark wildly.) " iluoi 't Ma tenime 
—id!" [Situ/own hxavily on a work-batket. Other eharaeter* 
ruth on, and form tablrau a» Curtain fallt. 

Chorut of EnthueiatU, in Stall*. It's all »o perfectly natural, 
iin'tit? So uolik* ("ir noi»y horseplay— i(m( yon notioo how watly 
they do all th«ir buaineiial' aad tne entmnbk! How dnlightfully 
easy he was when he ktvked the butlarl Tes. and wann't he 
dalieioutly funny when ho uame down to tlia footllRhte and told R* 
what he meant (o do I Su thoroughly ortistia I I thall Rctvr forgtt 
him tiyinf tohid« that pfaotuicraph uudvr bin waifctooat. [And to on. 

In the I'pper Sozii. Porlly Ofiul, to Briton [who M Itiughing 
induttriouily at ererylhing), Trta VKavante, U pl^Oe, n 'e6t-0« pas ? 

The tSrili/n [who hat a rague idea that lAe Qaul it apologiting for 
being about to pau). Par de too. Mobwhi I 

Thi Gaul (atiimiehtJi. Oommcat "pudu tout"f Bt VOtts qnl 
poaSvx de mo I 

The Briton. Le BaSetf tf*«t derriir*— en deHuo, I— I m«u— 
au dehor* I 

Th* Oaul. Ah, TOU* ritz dono anz ^olats son* avoir ri«n oompris f 
Vona (t«a un original, vouti I 

The Briton lielio feels that he may txjMte kiMttlf if h* got* on 
mtieh longer]. Wor, Moibw>, voua avtz rusong — aavHrl 

[Uteapet to lobhu, and heart rroutiiider of the piece from the 
back if the lirett Circle. 
IWo AeqiMintanceli, mtrting at li'frfthmenl Bar. 

Firtt Acq. Wonderful aotor, PirATOjs 1 How good he was in that 
first soeoe when be was explaining that about the— you remembvr 
the part I mean f X^" 'l"et"'t mean any pari in partieuiar. 

Sev'ind Acq. (quickly). Oh, very fanny, rcry ftmar I and {not to 
be oitldone), then that eo«ne with the— with the, bleu my •ooll 
where they— you know ! 

Firtt Acq.laho doesn't, of courti). Yoi— yw ; bnt it'anll oapitsd. 
By the way Uonfidentiatly), is there a book of the words to bo got 
•Dy where r 

SotoitdAtrq. Just what /'r« been looking out for. 
Dduuco Tbird Act. 

Thf British Parent Uo ht* Dau-ikltr). What did ho aay then t 

Tlte Baughtrr. Oh, Papa. I fan't miilnin i-'v-iytAin./ thoy siyl 

B- P. iou eipkinl I bclieTe / know morn about it than yonl 

The D. [demurely). Then t«u can explain it to mn, Pnpa. 

{B. P. ipreftttdth* hatn'l heard ; triumph of Daughter. 
kt IRS CUMI. 

Critieal Playgoer {ahe has imderttood, an an arfrage, about one 
word in fifty), t mutt M^ I was ■ little diaappuinlcd with the 
diiiloaue—oaOtiiut like ao witty as I expected! 

Hu Plrimd (talkote. arerage leat otte in n hundmli. There were one 
or two gmd tkuige in it, though- but, of ooutm it's f.«rji'«.<»one 
goes to see I 



\ 




-s 



hv\ 



\^^^ 



V' 



V 





SIB .I-IIN L-UBCK. the EARLY.CLOaiNQ NATURALIST, TBYISG TO CATCH SPECIMENS OF TUE " PAKVUJ SHOP- 
KEEPRRU8" AND "PARVPLDS K03IEKM0NGEBU8" [r/KS'l/S -VAUPO"). 



OPKS (iUESnOSS. 

(for Karly CloiiTiy—if poisiliU.) 

It there DO wiyof «boTt«ning tho boon of nverwoTkfd »hop-M»uit- 
uU witbnnt worrfinit th« ulrcndf raui'h-worried poor irith yet titrlh«r 
(rtodisnthprlj TCKtriolii'ti* iid4 limiUtkms y 

J» not ft pr«ctictl familiarity with tbe lirn, oireuuat&Qoes, &iul 
DMtMitiM ol the poor ui tiMQtuil uundllion ptvitdeat to oumpettnso 
to make mln for them Y 

IXi some of our wuuld-be LyturuBMs know more »bont thoie 
thinifi tbaa they do about tbo piion i>i iJtUK-pncidinjr. Ibe flavour uf 
"MJiaiind whelli*," or Ihn Kc^r6t»ol boolt-itrMit *Hp(i»r-timB i" 




Should even a mmjority of, »hgpkte]>r>r«— whom eailjp-oloiluit may 
ohanoe ta niit— naceBtnrilii Iw allnwcil tn diotate to a minorlly whom 
it nuij- iocjnT*ni>"noe and injare? 

May not th« new (>viitik<^1 of Lowl Option be made the italkiaE- 
hor«o i-)t much piirhlind tymnnyP 

If trrTythinff worn sobmitted to " tlia voice of tba majority," 
where would Liberty tied a lurkiaK-plaoe at la«t ? 

i)o«K nut (lu-uatlud) " aiiKht inoonveaieaoe " mnltlplied byMlUiaoa 
amount to auliataatial iojury and aeriouB wrooK ? 

(iivDD ■ burd-up tuinlly, a ubiLcm "job," a late-paid father, andn 
early-olomd (hop, to mlimiild tlii; cxai^t ttlcut of ihow tleBBtnt* UpOB 

domwtio Domfort amuDgut the iHior, and the pruiprrlly of p^tty tradera. 



Hat 5. \U&.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



3C7 




O- 



CROSS PURPOSES." 



DOWN ON DONNELLY. 
Dus Hk. PinccH, 

I xvwi ask JOS to czDUM mf re- 
tamtre 1o tbe (TV»rtM^«n Sh&ktpMriui qoM- 
tiaa ^il oaloar m&y bo [rrcdicatM of a quM- 
tioa, which tome phy ticiits would deoy). Mr, 
DORKKU-T, howerer, bt-eaa it. &i luusl ; »o 
it ia >U his fnalt. Tte contontiim that 
SBUCsntAUK conld not hive wriltcn his pkys, 
b««&iM« he wun't rlever enough, miitht huve 
doBe •lime time bro. but it will not hold water 
now. If it be admilttd in theiiasi' of SuAH- 
spBiBF, we shall vwry moa hive eome wise- 
ftera dcnyiait that I »m the «nthor of Picm- 
vieciut. \tKOtnie. fornooth, I am not (tenerdly 
reitanltd m m Intellectnnl Kornts ont«ido my 
own i'amily Clrolu. To built Ihd Donski.i.t* 
tl the taturc, I &(&in r^Ki'l^r n^y titi« lo my 
fTMtwork, lu O'llamns wher'? no OTyptogrums 
wtniLd be tuUr&ted. Your pUio, honest , 

■irapl*', ROPERICK TWEDDLE. 

P.8. — Thii i« kn exoorpt from Act II., 
whan PoDiios and i'wa diiaovor their 
puiioii for JvLin~but you ibail (oe. 

DoJiim. I love harl DODSOS lore* her! 

Whfct will Fofld, [Caortf. 

What J iwotrtcs wy, when, throDgh the matty 

On It&rned tonjtaei, on tooKoe* nf Hippint 

oleikt, 
'Tu nou'd that DoDeoa love* f A buttertly 
Pois'd on the blaok mp of the dooming Judge 
I* loTo in DoDBOic's bout. A'« txrat 
U irrTjd upon htr imajre in my aoul. 
Bat»aft! ■ORCoau'a. and like siimiliDitwhAlt, 
The portly i'oaci altfloda, ubi-Bcly tpry. 

fir* kidtih, anil enter Jc'UEl falhweil 
bu Foo<l. 
Fejf. SyBph, in thy law conoem* 
Be Br uBul feei reraembot'd. 



Juliet. Oh I yon beast. 

[N.R. Thia alio owors ia Xea*uT* for 
itiiaturt, Act ui., 1.] 

Fagg. Nay, lady. Udy, do not frown upon 

I am & Uwf er of no common rale, [me I 

For mu (iiM open «?<ry priion g»M ; 
And 1 will oliirm Iha «urly nehere so 
That thoa about the Coott) ahalt freely go. 

And so he nr^ei bis .mit, nntU, in high 
indignation, aheleivd him alone. 

Foge. Why wai I bora ■■> fat, or why ao 
fondf 
What hare 1 eaiii, what done ? I oaonot 
■lay, [tpeak ? 

Where oan I hide, what do, whom mwil, how 
[DonsuH adranet'.k ujid iaueheth him. 
DonsoB ! 
Tiodt. Fouul 

Fogg. Then thon knoweat all F 

Ikd*. I di). 

Ytt fear me not ; hath Domov not a heart f 
Fogg. Bnt thua hait nevar loved I 
Dodt. "Hast never loved I" 

I loved and loal— I loved and was betrayed. 

[ffe draiotth a JiiubU-loektt from hU poke. 
Look here upun this pioture, and on thia. 
That's me, f!lr, tive-and-t<r«nty year* ago. 
And that 'b the man she mariitd i 

Pi>fij. Very likely. 

This i> a delioate matter. 
Bjd: Hear me. Fooo I 

Pagf, DoDKOsI 

Dwlt. Nay, hear m« I Thna much 

Iwilliar. 
Thoa haat a rival. 

Fogg. Ha! hia nam*, hia nanul 
That I. at awilt «i anmmary juriadictjon, 
Or nounttnfT eaata, nay a map to aiy 
rarengel 



Dudi. Stay— hither oome they ; now retire 

and watch 
Their pretty d&tUan«e. Nay, ynu mnrt cocon 
And be couvinrt-d and tutor d. (Idnkty now. 
Tread lightly, foe the trodden worm would tw 
Lemiian atrong who tnra'd when oraah'd by 

thee! 

Rat what bsppeni after Uui I may perhap* 
relate to you another tinw. 



Odii ('omic CaiHCKti/iB. — "Ko Buttn 
what the oh] «c tic na to the Whe«l Tax may 
he, the Oovemiuent aayi, ' Wt'U tax jrau.' 
N.B.—Think I aball euggeaC a tax on pnna. 
Why not a penny in the pun f Take oare of 
the penoe, and the punt will Mm Ml* of 
themaelvet. Youra, in treat forn Jstt now, 
Oeo. JohW G." 



Xzion, 
Jfr. 0-kA-h Ivijuilur } — 
Tied to the Wht-el, and not by anm Tut», 
But by my own laah handjl— imluok)' cove 1 
But I muat atiuk to it, and mak« Ihuni fc«L 
That thsy moat nut talk to the Haa at the 
Wheel! 

Fbopehmb Hzekomib, A.B.A., H.A,. 

<)xon. and Honorary Fellow of All Souls, ia 
making Hertfordihiro artiitiaallr famoni. 
Delighted aa are liao hia pupila with the 
oonnty of their ohoi™, the Prtifeaaor ia now 
rr-wtting and adapting the well-known 
(ierman tong ta be aung at vene and obomi, 
and to bo ealitltd, " HtrU, nuin BerU!" 



Knauxn'a Nt-noKit 
Wind. (Blow it!) 



Alfc-Tle But 



\ 



SOS 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHAKIVARL 




[Max b, laaa 




A MOONLIGHTER AT BUSHEY. 

Pkoixisoii H'BK-X'R, A.B.A., i?im[iiii-Ti<c(i MAsria Hihbt 
hTnro AKD M*BraE Gokhib HAuaia sow to h-wkisati "Tna 
IxcOMffTABT Uoo.s." {" T/l^ Moon ino not tiki Ou iloim ordtnarHy 
um an the ttixgis."—VMtt general joumaliiilie opinion <ni (A* " Herkimtr 
Optra.") 



GUNS AND CHAROEa 

Psov the admiraions nude the olhor day by the Fiwt I«rd, )o 
ftnswer to ttic ijuestioLimtta of ^ir William C&ossmah, it tecma tbftt, 
DOtwithntiiiidiiiff nil the tull tdk ubuut enertry and Di?tit^tv in high 

Suartora, tlie NaviU Admiuiitfotion of the pmintry is still pUyinB 
Id Mime wretched old txtae. Krerythin; u. m usual, at sixes and 
■eTesB. It was elicited that the Camptnlmcn nad the Anton. 
thoujrh they waald bo completed very shortly, will hiiTe to wait till 
March, that is till next year, for their gnni, while none are as yf t forth- 
coming for the Auittiiliii and jVnrctjiiij, now r*ady to jro til sea, hut 
detained in consoqucnpe of btinn tliue nnproviiled with any arnift- 
tnent. Moreover, it transi)ired that the Cullingmonil, on hoard of 
whioh cne <•! her l^i-ton funa hiirat nearly two ysurs •go, wm still 
ftmud with the same type of ordnanoe, and thi» ipite the ftiot that 
the Admiralty oIliuiaiH U the tim« bad the eiTrontery to declare that 
the doffotive gant cuuld h« replao^ in a very few weeks. Snch 
rorelatione uf miamaai^eiiieDt uf "our lint line of defence" rendci- 
inR our fntnoQo protc«blir " wlyer streak '' aa nns^atory, as if it were 
little more than a poetical eipression. laksn in conjunction with the 
recent iitt'Tiinoes of the Duke of Camiihiihir and I/ird Wolskikt oe 
the milit&ry aitnation, are not reaisnrictf. Certainljr ■omething onght 
to he done, and it is to he hoped that the CommiBsiDn now aittinp 
will in *ome nenee or other show the way. Meuntime it may be 
liiiil«il that if th* wiinired ordnance is not provided at onr Dock- 
nrd*, some of cur '' bi(t ewna" at h^ad-qnarters could be readily 
dlapenaed with. Better that an ofdojal repntiitioD or two ahonld 
hunt itiin that th« whole Nsvy thonld be luBered to go deliberately 
to the dogs. 

IlirOBUirT TO "Mm» 01' THE Time."— Anyone who hu aerred 
Ut oonntry, no matter how or in what way, will be liable, if I/>rd 
fbxioCBT s plan be adopted, to undergo a centenoe of " Peerage 



OUR ADVERTISERS. 

Coup d'Stat Ougmhhoio, DrsAsnc, urn Othxb. 

WANTED, by a POWKBFtTL SYTTDICATE of MILLION- 
NAIBES, who will fonuah him with fonds for the under' 
takini;, an ambitions and nUdtoHfed Adventorer, willing in a oriais 
of Nanonal frein^y, to orertbrow VM estahliihed Constitution of his 
Country, and by an adroit appeal to popular pauioni, to leap at one 
•ingle bonnd, to a position ol Supreme Authority and Power. He 
nuut be ca[Mihle of issuing vaeue Manit'estos, and well skilled in all the 
srtBOf aoqairing a vulgar notoriety. As his Mission will he rather to 
OOnnlae than to organise Society, he will not he expected to 
tmUe himself with any scruples aa to auoh me&ns aa he may have 
to tllto to enable him elfectnalty to seiitu the rcina of GovernmeDt, 
or to hamper himself with the publication of any programme ta to 
its futnre oonduot. Character no object. Military ant«oedent* 

inj iepensttble. A pply to X- X., Cafe Americain. Paria. 

"rpHE LLAMA oVtHIBET.— Aa, owing to the ootive interven- 
-L lion of an influential ^'<lwapllpe^ Proprietor, this highly exalted 
anil eUgible post will shortly hvonnio Tftoant, this is to jfive notioe 
that any inteodinit appliosiit may fi>rwar(l hie orednntiala to the 
('entral Asian Otlloei, Cork Street, City, forthwith, A tboronih 
familiarity with Thimble-rig and the Three-oard Triek essentiaL Aa 
(h? [iii(.t demands thi- exhibition of a oertain amouut of preaeuee and 
dignity in its repreaentativB, a portly Member of a troupe of Bound- 
in^ Brothers, who happened to be finding himself getting a little too 
heavy fitr the work. miRht apply. 



IIHK PAIENI POTEKrAIE COMPAMY. 



THE PATENT POTENIATE COMPANY hat been Ineorporsled 
(or the parpoee of supplyinif any krge or small Eurupeau Stato 
deairons of kiokintf over its Constitution with a choioe selection of 
all aorta and oonditiona of Balers at the very ahortMt pouible 
notice. 



THE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY are prepared to 
despatch a Monarch, ready made, to any address within half 
an hour of receivins the order. 

T~ HE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY can furnish an 
Emperor complete, with all fitting and appropriate parapher- 
nalia., Eai;le, Orb, Sceptre, and any reqaired amount ol Imperial 
Purple to meaanre. by return of post. 



THE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY keep a large supply 
of Dictators always in reaerre apon the pfemiaea, 

HE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY it in direot and 

immediate oonunnnication with all the disooDt^nted Pieteodcn 

in Rnrope. 



THE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY undertake to per- 
sonally coTidnot any adverted ooup iTAaf on the moat 
reasonable t«rms,_ .^__^^_ 

THE PATENT POTENTATE COMPANY famiah thair IWrifl of 
Pficea for Ilevolution nn application- 



]\TESSRS. 80L0MANS & CO.. COSTUMIERS, beg to faform 
ll J_ their Continental frienda and patrons that with a view to 
meeting the requirements of any siiddtn European oonvutiion, they 
have recently sappleraented their eitensive stock of Royal and Im- 
perial coatumes by the addition of a large quantity of second-hand 
ooronalion Irsppinps in good and servioeatile oondilioa. Henral 
highly effective and showy crowns for tale or hire. The early inspec- 
tion of intending Adventurers is rc-ipectfully solicited. 



GREAT UAUOAIN.— Atull-KZedand handsome TUKOKB to be 
disposed of. Being the projierty of an Eaalem Europaas 
Piinoe, who is parting with it owing to dynaslie difflcultlM, no 

reasonable uEf^r will be refused. The whole is covered with oottoD> 
backed velvet, of a stoat tjuality, which is aa yet in exoelient con- 
dition. If nrjt rtiiuired for immediate nae by toe parohowr, it could 
raeantime be tunied to acci)unt as a canopy to an ordinary half -tester 
bedstead, to whii-h it wi^uld lend, with a little arrangement, a striking 
and impuaing Unish. Ci'Ospirators might C'lmmunicato. 

IMPKRTAL~'EAGi.E FOR ~SALE.— Warranted' pirfwtly Um« 
and docile. Has clipped claws and ia of a sleepy disposition. 
As the bird, owing to several unaucoesaful monltings, fa not at 
present very full in the feather, no reaaonnble oiTcr would b« refuad. 
Might he useful at a pageant. Advertiier would be rUd to hMf 
from any Military Pretender airoiring to the Purple, Applf to tha 
"Menagerie," Milo End Road, K. 

T~ "HE~atrR PRISE CROWN.— Thia unique oomifl European 
Novelty can now be supplied to any ai'iilioont on the receipt 
of a Postal Order. Clappnl upon the head of anybody, instantly 
oauios the outbreak of a Berolution. Light and ixtrtable. Can he 
carried with ease in the ouat-tail pocket uf an AdrcnUiraT, and 
aaaomed at a moment's notioo. 



Uat 5, 1888.] 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVAEL 



S09 




FIELDING" AND RUNNING. 
VdVUtriLlS TstAtMS. — Mr. Bcca*i«*s has hni bi» ioninifs witi 
nm Jon**, Md now once mwre he »how« na liow go^d he U at 

FiELPisr.. What rirohably lirrt put 
kim on the iCMit •A Joseph Andrnci 
a> tlie Bubjeot tor ft plav, w« iiittint; 
upon the chandtoT <'f Parton Adami 
for Mr. Thom.is THdRity, wid. in hi» 
miail'i ej-e, Miw Katb Robkk for th« 

Boelith rastio 
maiden, Fanni/ 
Goodtmil INottbat 
Minn HoBKRcloaply 
reBemblen Fiet.d- 
iKo's Fanny, who, 
b^ tlie way, wtK a 
triHe tuo tAl) &nd 
too buxum a lasa 
for even Fibld- 
iBG'aownrtdonM- 
able Jotcph to 
ha»B oiimed about 
in hu arrna. And 
if moh an author 
oa FncLimn ma; 
t><i inooniiatent 
with hiniBelf. 
jarelf Mr. Bp- 
RHAMAH ntaf be 
pardoned for exer- 
oisinK his own 
Mr, Bui-hnniD SitoiinE olT bia ovn liit alter Fielding. jQ^gmcmt when he 

luM so captivalioK a heroine at hand as Mias Katr Robkr. 

It will not now allect the »uc«e«a of JoirpK't .Sirrethrart to remark 
that Ihcru ia very little <rl FrELiiiyo in it, beyond the name. 
Porhapa Mr. BctHAHAs's reTBrwnoe for th* great Nuveliet pre- 
vented him from doing muoh more than thia. " When he who 
adoret thL>e has left bnt the name." Josrph Andrcwi tnrni out to 
b« the heir to a title : Fm.hnt<>'»timple Mr. ffi^ion developed into 
Bdchakan's Sir Oc'orgi IFiXiori, Hart,, a conBiderable tipansicn of 
the odgina! idea as rt presented hy Mr, Wn.UAM Kiosold. Lun! 
ROamar, the eiqnisite nbduotor of Fanni/, is a charaut«r concocted 
by Mr. Tloenis.in out of Bellartninc (the hero of on epiaodical atory 
in Ffri.insn's novel), the Benaiial Squife and Seau Didafpir, Lord 
FtUataar has notbing room charact^ristia of the fanouiil oathx of 
tha psriod tlian an occasional variation on " demnition," which 
nmindMl no forcibly of a Mr. Mantaiini in a ooitomo of the time 

of OlDBOl TBX FlB^. 

Mr. BuCHAiTAjr's Oipf!/ Jim, a kind of ',Ty!cii, piotn