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Jdlt 8, 1880.T 


SCENE — The Thames out Henley tray. Mk. Pctmch discovered lazily loUing in a Skiff moored among the meds, Toby dutifully 
imUaUng his Master in uncompromising doloe far niente. To them enter hastily ^ and fresh from London^ the Fntsi Lobb of the 

Premier. Ah I found you at last, my dear Punch I Whoof ! I wired you. Why didn't you anewer ? 
Punch. Telegrams never oome here, where I loll, like the mighty Ood Pan, Sir, 

** Down in the reeds by the riyer." 
Premier. Advice, many-counselled Ulysses— 

Punch (t^awning). Bather not tum'on that tap in a Lotos-land lovely as this is. 

Still if it must be, it must. Only first try another potation. [Passes tankard. 

Premier. Thanks ! I must catch the next train up to London ; and so 

Punch. Botheration I 

No House to-night ! Take it easy ! 
Premier. You *re lazy, — yet cute as a Q.C. 

I 've run down to seek your advice ; I am sure you will give it in nuce. 
Punch. Palaver in June — on the river ! By Phoebus, the thing lacks congruity ! 
Premier. Sir, in evading the point, you 're displaying a Turk's ingenuity. 
Punch. Terrible wriggler, the Ottoman ; many more shifts than old Merlin. 

Wonder if join^8tock coercion will bring him to book now at Berlin ? 

Premier. That is just one of the points that I wanted 

Punch. By Jove, look at Toby ! A 

Tidy cool baud is that tyke ; lie will never invite hydrophobia. 

Twig him there stretched on his back 1 'Tis a capital antiphlogistic. 
Premier. Yes, but the Porte— 
Punch. A propos, try the Claret Cup. Dreamily mystic 

That haze on the dickens, man ! donY jump like that ! This is not a Dutch lugger. 

Seen Anne-Mie, by the way ? 
Premier. No. 

Punch. I '11 just shiil this oushiim. That 's snugger 1 

Beebsman 's not bad, I assure you. 
Premier. Well — passing such topics extraneous— 

What do you think of our Note ? Digitized by ' 

Punch. The identic and — hum— simultaneous ? 




[July 3, 1880. 

Hope it may prove the right key-note of Harmonj. Ah ! if the Powers 
Their Plenipos mustered do¥m here, 'midst the reeds and forget-me-not flowers, 
I 'd settle the " three points ** like wifking. 

Premier. Well, first for the Turco-Greek frontier 

Punch. This is not the " Answdrtige Ami.** Better far in a skifif or a punt here, 
To — ah ! what a glorious sunset I Bj Phcehus, it 's really magnificent ! 

Premier. Pukch, if I hut had my will 

Punch. I much fear I should he in a jifiy sent 

Straight to that dull Wilhelmstrasse, — in June ! My ohjeotion 's emphatic. 
Much nicer to watch my float hohhiog than listen te jaw diplomatic. 

Premier (glumly). Your counsel is commonly ready, but 

Punch (reassuringly). Pshaw ! my sweet William, don't hurry I 

And when did your Pdkchius fail you ? What is it ? 

Premier (deprecatingly). I fear I 'm a worry. 
But as to Coercion— Obstruction — Rad Hobbies — ^bad Ottoman habits — 
Sjb Babtle and Braduluqm — Scotch bigots — ^hot Harooubt — the Hares and the Rabbits — 
That task for a modern God Terminus, Thessaly way — and those Tories, 
Who swear in one breath we 're both stealing and turning our backs on their glories, — 
Why really, my cool-puffing Pijkch, there are so many points, that 

Punch. No doubt of it. 

A pretty tight fit, Sir, all round ; but, my William, you know the way out of it. 
Principle, patience, and pluck. Oh come, come, my stout yeteran, yerily. 
Spite of your seventy summers, you seem to have started right merrily. 
Peg away. Puzzled ? Pooh ! pooh I — ^you 're so modest 

Premier. Of course your approval. 

In principle, lightens the load, but 'twould hasten the burden's removal 
If hints as to details 

Punch (rousing himself). Here goes then ! A batch of new brooms, you *re expected 

To sweep very clean, and already a good deal of dirt you 've detected ; 
But would you the Padishah squeeze without putting the Powers at jangles— 
Gret Tory intrigue out of hobUssi aod T<n:y finanee eat oftasglea— 
And scumfish the hosts of 0*Donnell, and drive half the crotchets to Sheitan, 
And — do all the other stiff jobs that the Pigmies expect from a Titan — 
Tou may, it is true, need a *' tip " or t>vo. Take them, in bulk and in brightnesSi 
Sweetness and Light quintessentialised. Art without queemess or " quite-ness," 
Portable pithy omniscience, encyclopedian wisdom. 

Smartness unspoiled by the taint of the Cockney Cad's realm of Cheap Fizz-dom ; 
Statesmanship's true Vade Mecum, Time's chronicle wrought with conciseness, 
And writ in a manner most trenchant, a style that, for terseness and niceness. 
Would take the shin<^ out of Thuctdides, stump smart Macaxjlat, or bowl Hume,— 
Take— need I mention the Masterpiece ? — ^take Punch's 

kbeirfg-€ig|l(j ^Qkmt ! 

Digitized by 


December IS, U70 J 


UfN^EY * ^AH S tkVrVr^ £ 

ruiNL;!! o iuumiii^iiv^iv jcvjix ±(Doyj. 


If you don't happen to be a Sporting Man, and are out for a Quiet Ride, it 's very annoying when your Horse insicts upon joining the Hounds that are running a 

Field or two off the High-ruad. 


January I Tailor's bill oomes iD. 
Blow that blooming Snip I I 'm 

short o* tin. 
Wernr much enjoyed my Antomn 

But three quid fifteen do look 

queer paper. 
Want another new rig out, wnss 

Gurl at Boodle's bar seems awful 

Like to take her to tiie panter- 

mime ; 
That and oysters after wonld be 

Fan 's a screamer ; this top coat 

would blue it, 
Yaller at the seams, black ink 

won't do it. 
Wonder if old Snip would spring 

another ? 
Boots, too, rayther seedy ; beastly 

bother I 
Lots o* larks that empty pockets 

** queer." 
Can*t do much, on fifty quid a 



** So they 're building a Churdi in 
memoiy of Bishop Wilbkbpobce 
at Southampton/^ said Smelfun- 
ous. ** He was ' all things te all 
men.' " How different from me ! 
I 'm "nothing to nobody ? " 
The Tax which no Chan- 


TO DiBTUBB— Syn-tax. 


Apbil. — Month opens with a 
shower of frogs. HatKr weather. 


Su9p{et4nts BUUtr {on a dozen of '* Gooseberry" being jrut vp). " What's the Brand, Mr. 
ArcrioNEER ? " 

AvcUontei', "'Brand'! What! for this Cuampaone? A magnificent Wine like 
that. Sir, don't want any Brand I We skll it on its Merits. Shall we sav 
Fifteen SniLLisas?" 


Febbtwabt ! High old time for 

sptees I 
Now 'is yer chance the gals to 

please or tease, 
owos to , 

Dowds to guj and pooty ones to 

And to nve all riyal chaps the 

Crab your enemies.—! 've got a 

Yon can pot 'em proper for a 

Myl Them Walentines do 'it 

*em 'ot. 
Fust-rate fun : I always buy a lot 
Prigs complain they're spitefuL 

Lor' wot stuff I 
I can*t ever get *em strong enough. 
Safe too ; no one twigs your li^e 

If you do it on the strict Q. T. 
If you 're spoons, a flowery one's 

your plan, 
Mem : I sent a proper one to Fan. 

Domestic Economy.— If you 
are blest with a large family, and 
hare, besides, numerous relatioDs 
whom you don't wish to disoblige, 
always dress yourself and house- 
hold in black ; and thus you will 
escape the expense of mourning. 

Fob THE Apothbcabibb' Com- 
pany's Dinnebs.— Toast and Sen- 
timent: '*May we never want a 
patient, or a six-ounce bottle to 
send him." 

The Flunket Millennium.— 
When every vaUt shall be exalted. 

A Halfpenny JioLs, — The 



— And it is not pleabamt to be overtakkn in a Narrow Lane by a Troop ov Huntino People who have been thrown oct, and are trying hard to catch the Hounds. 


March ! I 'm nnta npon 

a windy day, 
Gurls do git in such a 

awf nl way. 
Pettiooats yer know, and 

pooty feet ; 
Hair all flying,— tell you 

it 's a treat. 
Pancake day. Den*tlike 

'em— flabby, tough, 
Bayther do a pennorth 

o* plum-duff. 
Seediness shows up as 

Spring advances, 
Ah ! the gurls do lead 

us pxetty dances. 
Days a-lengthening. 

'fiiink I spotted Pan 
Casting sheep's eyes at 

another man. 
Quarter-day, too, no 

more chance of tick. 
Pancy I shall 'ave to cut 

my stick. 
Got the doldrums dread- 
ful, that is dear. 
Two d, left 1— must go 

and do a beer I 


PoB Borrowers. — 
** Always a loan I " 

Por Ladies loving 
Shopping.— '* The mveet 
buy and buy." 

Voftpaiaie BeautieB — 
** The Song qf the Old 

Por Disappointed 
Sportsmen. — " Never 


The Runted Hart. ** I ho call it hard to be chivied abottt as I am. I oym I 'm nice to eat, witb Currakt- 
Jblly, and make scrumptious Boup ! But it's not for that ; it's because I 'm good at run sing dWdri " 

T*e Chained. St. Bernard. "At all events, you're free to obi about and see the World bbtorb you're 
caught I Here have I been chaiked up in this beastly Yard for ten Years, and I 've only got two more 


The Wounded Pigeon. " Don't you Talk I Look at me 1 Two Days ago, I was shot in both Legs by a Duffer, 

AND, UKE A Fool. I flew away t I 'ye been flying ever SINCE, FOR I CAN'T WALK, AND I CAN'T SIT, AND I CAN^ LIE 

Chloroform I " 


April ! All Pools' Day 's 

a proper time. 
Cop old gurls and guy 

old buffers prime. 
Scissors ! don't tjiey 

goggle and look blue 
When you land them 

with a regular ** do " ? 
Lor! the world would 

not be worth a mi wey, 
If there wam't no fools 

to dbeek and ohivy. 
Then comes Easter. Got 

some coin in 'and, 
Trot a bonnet out and 

do the grand. 
Fan all flounce and 

flower; fellows mad 
Heye us henvious ; nuts 

to me, my lad. 
'Ampstead I 'Ampton I 

Which is it to be ? 
Fan — no flat — prefers 

the Crystal P. 
Nobby togs, high jinks, 

and lots o* lotion, 
That's the style to go 

it, I 'ye a notion I 

Golden - Wedding - 
Gifts.— A wig, a pair 
of crutches, and a set 
of false teeth. 

Memorandum for 
March. — ^Mariners, on 
St Dayid's Day, look out 
for leaks. 

A Secret for the ' 
School of Cookery. — I 
How to ourty favour. ^ 

Lush-US Peuit. — 
The Grape. 


tDcconbcr 1^1179. 

(By A Man qf Foresight , ) 

Mem, — ^As the season is now drawing to a close, 
and one probably has few dinner engagements 
still in prospect, it might be politic perhaps to 
ask some oonntry friends to come and stay a week 
with us. 'N,B.'-~j\fter Goodwood. 

Meni.^ln the not improbable event of their 
declining, and suggesting we Jiad better visit 

them instead, my wife must __ 

not omit, while expressing 
our regret that we camiob 
come just yet, to hint that 
I am still extremely fond 
of shooting. 

JfJww. — with a view to 
the oontin^cy of my get- 
ting in this nuinner a few 
days on the moors, and a 
week or two in Stubble- 
shire, I had better look up 
my old shootilig-bootB, and 
borrow Bob's new breech- 

Mem. — When accepting 
invitations we must bear 
in mind the need to make 
our visits dove-tail nioehr, 
80 as not to waste a day m 
useless travelling. 

Menu^Suppoaakg 1 am 
asked if I want any game 
sent anywhere, I must take 
care that I don't forget my 
Uncle Bob, who stood god- 
father to baby. 

M&in. — And perhaps it 
might be well to send a 
brace of birds to dear old 
Ghabley Cbacklkton, 
who has hinted more than 
once that it is not at all 
unlikdy he may leave us 
his old china. 

Af«m.— Emmy said the 
other day that her dear 
Mamma desired to come and 
see us very shortiy. If this 
desire be realised, as pro- 
bably it will be, 1 must 
arrange for being sum- 
moned unexpectedly to 
Paris, to serve upon a 
Special Exhibition Jury. 

Mem, — If I return before 
the dear old lady leaves us, 
I must devise some dodge 
for shortening her visit. 

Mem. —Don't let me for- 
get to look up Freddy 
F0EE8EL, and find out 
where his yacht will be for 
the next six weeks. 

Mem. — If no grousing 's 
to be had, I had better chum 
with him till the partridges 
axe ready, and let Emmy 
take the chicks to spend a 
quiet month at Mar^^site. 

Mem. — I must not forget 
to tell Emmy to remember 
that when the Landlord's 
follow calls again for rent, 
he is to be told that I am 
out of town, but that, to 
save him further trouble, I 
will have a cheque quite 
rea^for him when he calls 
at Ghristmaa 

Mem. — As the house is to 
be painted in the Spring, 
we had better go abroad then, and get some one 
to hire it till the smell has quite evaporated. 

Mem. — Let me be sure to lock my study-door 
when I leave home, lest I &id my things all *^ put 
to-rights " when I return to it. 
» Mem.^Thnt cheap sherry at the Club is stronger 
than it tastes, and, while tiie weather is so ho^ I 
had better, for my health's sake, stick to Pom- 
mery and Margaux. 

Mem.-^l must really bear in mind thai Emmy 
has reminded me (and more than once, I fear) 
that Cook has twice asked for her wages. 

Mein.—Wtdle thinking over household matters, 
I pught to recollect that the cistem has begun to 
leak and the coal-cellar is empty. 

Memr. — If we chance to come across that charm- 
ing littie Mrs. Shuoba Candie in our wanderings 
this autumn, I must not get too intimate, for 
Emmy ao dislikes her. 

the plate and lock up the piano while the house 
is being cleaned ; or else, the carpets being up, a 
ball is pretty certain to be given m oar lAeenoe. 


Why do bosom friends entreat vou to " drop in 
on them at any time," when they know you know 
quite well that if you were to do so you weuld 
find them not at home toyou ? 

Why, when men are bored 
to death at an « At Home,'* 
do they somehow feel con- 
strained to murmur out their 
thanks for "such a very 
pleasant evenixig " ? 

Why, when Ladies want 
to sing, will they persist in 
pleading that they have a 
dreadful oold, and really 
cannot get a note out ? 

Why cannot Actors be 
content with the applause 
of their own conscience, 
and the Stalls, and not gag 
their part to gain the 
plaudits of the Gallary ? 

Why do hired Waiters 
always breathe upon your 
head, particularly, alas ! if 
it happens to be a bald one ? 

Why, when a man likes a 
thigh or a liver-wing, does 
he insist on saying that 
" any part will do for him ? " 

Why, if a firiend wins 
a five-pound note at cards, 
do you find him take such 
care to calculate bis gain at 
about a doaen shillings ? 

Why do Critics chronicle 
a " genuine success," when 
they know full well the 
piece won't run above a 
fortnight ? 

Why cannot a Haix^^mtter 
perform that operation 
without hinting that your 
hair will soon be hiodly 
worth the cutting ? 

Why do friends exdaim, 
** How very well you 're 
looking I " when you see 
by their expression they are 
thinking just the contrary ? 

Why do Orators crave 
leave to say a few words on 
the subject, when thev 
really mean to talk for hali- 
an-hour, or more ? 

Why is it deemed no sin 
to steal a friend's umbrella, 
or outwit him in a horse- 
deal ? 


Yrmnff ffcni.vkttptr(hi^wiirHed). "What caj* Tor pccoMiiEND, Mh. BawKiri?*' 

Butihir. "Well, MiM—WvM—k nice hvu 0' Mctton, W\ru " 

YMfinj HrnxkifjitT. " Oa, heaa E Couldn't you lei us have one of ;tu£ FBOyr LkosJ Thet'o pk 

fr^ALLES^ WOULDM^t tHEY, Mil* iifllsKKrlf" 


Pan, whom the pagan poets 

still invoke, 
C!ool common-sense has 

placed beneath its ban, 
For all last year he seemed 

— and 'twas no joke — 
Always a dripping^or a 

Talk of '*the great god 

Pan " is therefore lot, 
Now Pan 'tis plain, has 

gcme to yjoterinff-pot. 

Mem.—The housemaid is quite welcome to open 
the portfolios and to look at ''Blaster's draw- 
rings " when he is away, but she really must not 
use them to cover up the furniture. 

Mem. ^To tie another knot in my handkerchief 
to-morrow, that I may not forget that Emmy's 
pin-money is due, and that she desires, ere leaving 
town, to buy a new rig-out for Tommy. 

Mem.— We really must remember to send away 

New Nahb fob an Old 
Salt op Doubtful Chabactkb.— Piratic Saline. 
( mth thankt to Mr. Lamplough.) 

Ebony Blacking. — An abusive artiole in 
JBIackmooSi Magazine. 

Tbipabtitb Aobbkmknt.— Three friends lov- 
ing and lushy. 

A Foo SiONAL.— A Respirator. 

I3h SS79.1 



Tl^f BUh'tit(tfyhitytfun^tM atitlJiit^mLril^ Stm}. ** Kow, vfuv aMt'njLD^TT you aPOPT t*11: STA<9S ah a E^RonKSiow, TwEfJiumi!* I*<vrin Hoxale* Dkaumasoih, wmu'w a Year Tovsr-rp 

TJIAM YoUI[i(i.iCLF, [» At,KEAPY OlCTTlHa S/XrAlfiV tT/.V^.f }J J ffgSIC t^HH IXiiW CustKDV PAKtH tt THE t:HlTKlUr»f [ TlIL DlH:riESt3 T(JLD M£ KO HtRfrELF fiJ^TA V FJTTT: RUA V ! '* 


Mat I The niouth o' flowera. 

Spooney sell \ 
'* Rum 'ot with/^ is wot /likes to 

Beats yer loflea Holler, A chioe 

Li<Jc3 all Bowers Uint e/cr run to 

Nobby biiiton^oler very welt 
When ono wauta to do the 'envy 

swell J 
Otberw)^ dou^t core not one brnsa 

For the best e^ar Mowed ia CoTent 

Pan^ though, Ukea 'em, oosta a 

pretty pile» 
RaytJier gtiff, a tanner for a smile. 
Blued ten bob liLst time I took *er 

Left my silver tieker up tbe epont. 
Women are si*oh sharks ! If I 

don*t drop 'er. 
Guess that I eball oome n hawful 

cropper I 


(At a Municipal Eiteti&n.) 

I'ird ViitfT, 1 \q ju&t been and 
plumped for CARTeK. 

i%cjfn4 Vfft^r. Pinniped for Cah- 
TEK J Why 1 don't believe yuu 
know him, 

IHr^ Vitta- \o ; that 's why I 
rota for him. Me ma, v be an honest 
man. I know the others. 

HiMT TO THE Trade.™ Brine" 
OQt a new choker^ &nd call it th$ 
, ** Bus *■ ^/' r»/^ : ** 


Torr/fi^ iff a Sr^iti^li ^trnTmr). "I *ay, ErrwAMJ, no* I>0 TOP istPtCT kXYmoaw to HRV 

^^£m llAJfbs OS TRtfi Taw EL ! 1t'<9 as Wet a^ if rT had bcek Drrctxy m tme Ska I" 

fiiMwarff. '' AwfEL— Dottu dr no DvrrEtt^ Tat^t's a Hc^di^kd Fouk hae u^ed tsX 

TOOIFTL, ASIC Y£'&]£ TU£ JX^aSllft tttAT '8 GjimiUELT !" 


June ! A jolly month t Etch 

&tunnin^ weather 1 
Fan and I have lots of outa to- 

grether : 
Rorty on the rivex, eech priaio 

Foul the i;ao^^TB. run into Uxe punts*. 
Prime to 'ear the anglers rate and 

MTien in qiiitt ** Kwima ** we ralie 

a muBa. 
Snack on tomeone^a lawn upon Uio 

Won't the owner rais-c a tidy rtct 
When he twi^'^s our gcrap^ aud 

broken bottles ? 
Cheaper this thao riLstyrongis cr 

l^Tiit&uiitide *ud be a lot more g-ay 
If it wBin't m near to Quaiter- 

Snip turns eonTt pulla '* county- 

oourtin^ '* face°. 
Must try and land a little on the 



BnuKBTTA proteirtfl ogainst the 
pajftiaUty shown by public Tvriters 
in addressing her eex aa '^ our fair 
readera." Bhe hopce in futuifi 
that this fonoula wiU be changed 
to **our fair and dark readers.^ ^ 

A The Af HI CAT, Speculation. 
Ij^^idfie BTMty Luna, pret'nce t.>- 
^'toI^Hm gorgeonslyi^Ed eail it 

An iNCOERltilBLE OrriiNDKil, 

^A Drinking Fotaxtain. 




(Rather tnU qf twu,) 

UATMBFAuaJAa, The DootoT says dear Mat laoks 

Pateffamiliat. Oh, yes, I know 1 Sea-bathi, 
ozone 1 

Catch- words to ooTcr the old olaim 

For holidays. 
Jfaterfamilms, It is a shame 

So to misoonstme him— and me, 

For on this point we do agree. 
PaterfamUioi, On prindples of abstract reason t 

Man always finds, though, at this seascm 

Doctors and wives for onoe at one. 

But Stocks are down—it can't be done I 

I can*t afford it. 
Materfamilias, The old tale t 

I hope you 11 own ihtU tone is stale. 

Ton get more stingy eyeir year. 
Paterfamiliaa, Ton sing a little sharp, my dear. 

Cbn troppo brio ! Try cantabile. 
MaterfamilUii, How can you, John, behave so 
shabbily ? 

Well, let May A>/ 
Paterfamil'uu, Oh, fiddle-de-dee I 

'Twixt man and wife it ought to be 

Case of dnet, and not of dneL 
MaterfamiUas, Well, whose fault is it? Toa*re 

nn emftl I ( Wmmtut \ 

Patetfamilias, Come, come, my dear, no lagri- 

MaterfamUias (leiping her eyes). Then yon con- 
sent, love ? 
Paterfamilias {drily), I suppose so. 

No matter how long women parley. 
Married duets have one Hnale. 
Change of air 's what all wives say, 
Though to the old tune hub must pay 1 


Picked up my daily pin. Have now exactly 
18B pins carefullv laid by, so that one half of the 
proverbial groat Is secured. 

Skinnbh, Flikt, and myself again met and 
talked over our great scheme of joining at a 
halfpenny daily paper when the General Election 
takes place. 

Put a happy thought into execution— bought 
a penny loaf, and called at two or three cheese- 
mongers and tasted their Cheddar, Cheshire, &a 
Made quite a substantial meal. 

Obliged by urgent business to use the Under- 
ground Railway. Took a third class (parly ) 
ticket, but the train was so crowded that I had 
to be put into a second class carriage, the only 
time in my life I have ever travelled in this 
luxurious manner. 

person had left a Daily Aews on the seat ; put 
it in my pocket to add to my waste-paper store. 

Found a half-penny (French). 

This evening was very cold, but instead of 
lighting a fire I went to the South Kensington 
Museum, which was both warm and free. 

Full moon j so I went to bed without a dip. 


When the wind blows east alway. 

And the roads like rink-floors ring, 
And you cough and sneese all day. 

Then men say it *b ** merry Spring *' I 
When the rain pours day and nighty 

Skies look glum, and faces glummery 
And hay-fever 's at its height. 

Then, of course, it's " glorious Summer** ! 
When sole change from catching colds 

Is in wondering how you caught 'em, 
And grey mist the land enfolds, 

Then you know it *s *' genial Autumn '* I 

When cold water takes two shapes, 
Drenching douche and icy spb'nter. 

And the world 's all coats and capes, 
Then be sure it 's " jolly Winter " I 

Mbm. by a Laundbt-Mah).— The fattest 


llVc •*. !«:«. 


di/fU/l fA ^ 


Tome Ladies have taken to weariko Jebseys— akd tert healthy and BEOOMina thet are I Now, why 8B0(tld not Gentlemen content them8El\*es with mere 


(N.B.— The Under-vest to be worn 0UT81DK tub DRAWERd. f^ rj 8jys DiRKt) 

Op AN Evening, the Vest, Drawer'^, and Socks might be Black. What more CALCirLAfEo to show oft a Fine Figure ! Besides which, it would 


(N.B.-Hioh Art might revive in England if modern Dress were RBroRMED in the direction indicated.) 

A National 

Digitized by 


runcb't Alnuuisi k, 1880,] 


L I^AMP Deputation.) 

Digitized by 


Digitized by 


Dccmber 12. 137D.1 



" Hand-pafuted china is all the rage as a trimming for Ladies' Dresses.'*— i'ttrw Fashions, 


'Ot July I Just nicked a handy 

(Twenty-five to one on old " Scrcw- 

Driver "1) 
Kcw rig-out. This mustard colour 

Suits me nobly. Fan appears a 

Gurls like style, you know, and 

colour ketches 'em, 
But good show of ochre, — that '« 

what fetches 'em. 
Wimbledon ! / *m not a Wolun- 

Discipline don't suit this child- 
no fear 1 
But we 'ave fine capers at the 

Proper, but for that confounded 

scamp : 
Punched my 'ead because I guyed 

his shooting. 
Fan I fancied rather 'ighfaluting ; 
Ogled the big beggar as he propped 

Would 'a licked 'im if ihe 'adn't 
stopped me. 


A Man and his molars are soon 

A thorn in the bush is worth 
iwo in the hand. 

Watched lovers never '* spoon," 

Too many broths spoil the cook. 

Short reckonings make long 

One gtxxl kiss deserves another. 

A hitch in time is no crime. 
2?y one without an ear.) 

liooe in haste and lament at 

Where there is smoke there 's 

Good weeds go apaoe. 

Bad words button no shirt-fronts. 

When the wine oomes in, the 
ladies walk out. 

Little Jews have long noses. 

A nod is as good as a bow to a 
poor acquaintance. 

People with corns should never 

All iB fare U) ao extortionate 

Never say *Vyc" — nor do it 

A lazy glazier breaks the most 

Grace before meat*- Pay mil- 
liners* bills and hang butchers'. 


" Tluis sang they in the ton^ids* boal^ 
A lively uiorc tlion taneful uoto.'* 

Pull now. Number Three I 

Out again, man ; hang you ! 
Six, oh (big big D ) 

One 's oblig^ to slang yon S 
One, two— one, two— ban ! 

(Jumble adjectival) 
Hear that scornful «* yah "?— 

Comment from a rival ! 
Now, then, bow, my boy I 

Blow it, do wake up, man I 
Think bow-oar *8 a toy. 

Fit for— 7>*flcy Tupman? 
Stroke ! Sharp off the chest ! 

Dash it, man ! — ^more ** devil " 1 
Good ; Now you may rest, 

And I— may be civil ! 

*Arry'b Motto. — " Youth on 
the prowl and pleasure at the 

* Small ARMa"— Baby's. 


August ! Time to think about 

my outing. 
No dibs yet, though, so it 's no use 

Make the best of the Bank 'Oliday. 
Tan *' engaged I " Don't look too 

bloomin' gay. 
Drop into the bar to do a beer. 
Twig her talking to that Volun- 
Sling my 'ook instauter sharp and 

Took Jemimeb down to 'Ampton 

Not arf bad that gurl. Got rather 

Little toff complained as I was 
' rude. 
'It 'im in the wind, he went like 

death ; 
Weak, consumptive cove and short 

o' breath. 
Licked 'im proper, dropped 'im like 

a shot, — 
Only wish that Fan had seen that 


Pebfebvida lNOENIA.~Scotch 
and Scandinavian — Bums and 

Fairies' Dbinking VESSELa— 

FOR 1880. 

Rain to fall only in the night. 

A Committee of Weathercocks, 
to regulate the winds. Chairman 
€x oficiOf Clerk of the Weather. 
Members of the Vane family ex 
qfficio members. 

East winds not to be allowed at 
the West End. 

Mountain dew to be taken with- 
out water. None allowed to get 
beyond mountain dew points of 
highest saturation. 

When the Barometer falls, the 
housemaid to pick it up and report 
the occurrence to the nearest 
Weather Station. 

Squalls to bo confined to nurse- 

Barometrical pressure not to 
be unfair!y increased by tapping 
the glass. 

The rate of the wind may be 
ascertained from those who have 
succeeded in raising it. 

Licences for the introduction of 
the weather into conversation will 
be granted by the Meteorological 

Interesting and valuable experi- 
ments with the " dry bulb " and 
"wet bulb" may be made by 
means of an onion and a glass of 


A HlXT TO Abt Needlewobksbs. 


rbecipn brr \2, 18:5. 


Scotck Fidd Preacher, "An 8EE ye ahiot the Stakes theere, Laddies! Smocren,— E-h ! Birr ye mat Sxoox,— an* te may Smock**— (cre^oendo)—" an' ye may Smock -but te'll 

Smock get an sairkr whaur ye 're gaun tab ! I " 


Country Lcus (to PoUcman who takts (Am over (he road at 0:^flord Street CirfMs), "I'm bo much obuoed to you ros takino TBI Trouble ** 

GaUatU ConstabU, " Lor' blebs ter. Hiss. I mm the Crossqi' was twici as lono I'* 

Dcnaberl2,l 79.) 



OIL OP Tebnt. — Tlie 

SiK>BTiNO INTELUOENCB.— Ponto had kept on Cock-a-doodle-doo I— ComplaintB are often I Anothm Council 2JL^^]f\Z3^ ^^TS 
Biiaxiding most provokingly at larks. "OaU that heai4 of the cUttorbance caused by the crowing CouncU of Borton-on-Jwit J^J^^^^^^ ^ 
_ i^t^^ % ft ^^Jsli^^ jSlfr,^, T .v^«i;i ^»ii 1.;^ ^«»/w.v.{«4^^.^4M.*1««n/«m{na• Tn 4iK{a MinmLfiATiA] I Mftvor. PrmoiiMl Fathers. Messrs. oabb an< 


tlVfPii bv^r 1*,1h:'. 


What w all this about? Why, it is aoainot thr Law^to carry Plakxb of any kind, alive or dead, into Itaj.y, and the Offioials at the Italian Dooana 
:ust<)m-1Iui-me) NEiR Mr.vtone have judr bkrm i-old tilat an Enolilh Gentleman, with a Bobb in Hia Botton-hole, has st&ollkd bt, towards Ventimigua. So they are 
tTEa t:ik unsuspecting Criminal! 


Ere *8 September I *OUday 

at hist ! 
)ff to Alargit — mean to go 

it fast, 
instnnl-colourod togs still 

fresh as paint, 
jike t) knj\v who's natty, 

if / ain't 
Jot three quid ; have cried 

u go with Fax, 
Jame to spend my money 

like a man. 
Jut stickin' tight to one gal 

ain't no fan — 
lere 's no end of prime 'uus 

on the run ; 
/am't resist mo somehow, 

togs and tile 
Ul A 1 — make even swell 

onon smile. 
jor\ if I 'd the ochre, make 

no doubt 
'. could cut no end of big 

pots out. 
/all me Cad? When money's 

in the game, 
vad and Swell are pooty 

much the same. 


How old are you? How 
auch have you a year ? Do 
'ou derive your income from 
>roperty,or livebyyour wits? 
i\'ho are your bankers? 
»Vhat is your father ? Who 
vas your mother ? Is there 
nsanity in your family? 
^hat is the skeleton in your 
snpboard? Were you ever 


" My Card, Hon ? I hanna got one I But I 'd hae you to ken that I 'm a Macxintoss i " 


in gaol ? Ars your teeth all 
Boimd ? Did you ever pawn 
your watoh ? Have you paid 
your rates and taxes ? And 
your rent? Did you ever 
shoot the moon? Where did 
you borrow your dress-coat ? 
Did you buy those clothes 
ready made, or do you em- 

Sloy a tailor ? What credit 
oes he give you, and how 
much do yea owe him now ? 

12 6 


Now October I Back again 

to collar, 
Funds run low, redoooed to 

last 'arf-dollar. 
Snip on rampage, boots a 

getting thin, 
'Ave to ^the turf to raise 

some tin. 
Evenings getting gloomy ; 

high old games ; 
Music 'Alls look up the 

taking names. 
Proper swells them pros. I 

If I 'd my choice. 
There 's my mark. Just 

wish I 'd got a voice ; 
Cut the old den to-morrow, 

lot's o' Cham., 
Cabs and diamonds,^ain't 

that real jam ? 
Got the straight tip for the 

If I hanly land it, I'll be 

Guess neztmomin' wouldn't 

find me sober— 
Allays get the blues about 


DM«8berM, 1879.1 


at the 


" AsfOR " nw WW*— Evans's, Covent Garden. 

Qidit qMxttio—ThB subject is *Aeuy. 

Carpe diem^A carp a day (I'XHhermau'M wtoUo), 

Con flword — Probably brother of Roby C- 

"D.r. fahula narratHr*' — Ihrink 

Dies fwn — Never say die. 

DuM »piro spe/v^SFlKBS 
AND Pond. 

iic post facto — ^Done out 
of a post. 

Ex uno disoe mnnes — 
Lord Beaconsfikld and 

iistiiia lente—Qet Lent 

I^ieri facias— JoUy nose ! 

Fu-imus—Yi^e 're going a 
small party. 

^«w/— Motto for Mr. 
Gladstone's axe. 

Jffinc ilkc laonfmas—Tetirs 
— idle tears ! 

In V«M— Darmstadt. 

Ijigenvas didieisse fideli- 
ter, 4'c. — ^To have utterly 
diddled the clever one^ ico. 

Jus geiUium — Saooe for 

Lit era scriata manet — 
" Heavens ! I forgot to poet 
them 1 ! " 

M*tgna est veritas-^Truih I 
extra edition ! 

Mi-Mts — Not your nuss. 

**Mos ' * pro lege — Sixty per 
cent, first— then the Law. 

Nemine dissent ieate — An 
eminent Dissenter. 

JVe plus ultra — Knicker- 

No-lens volens — No 
chance for a photographer. 

Nen his in idem^ileYei 
cry Encore! 

Non tali atrxt/i(7— Never 
hold on by the tail. 
i» Ore ratundo — ^* Round in 
the mouth." 

Pro forma — The swan- 
bill corset ! 

Quidquid txeessU modum 
— •* Two quid 's " too much. 

Quid rides f—yfhy get 
a£tride a horse ? 

Melms in angusiis — Small 
minds like riddles. 

Mmn acu tetigisti — ^A good 
stroke I 

Sid generis — ^A sort of a 

Tot'ide^n verbis— 'Don't 
aaj the same thing so often. 

Vice versd— The bad habit 
of rhyming. 

Virttis sesaper viridis — 
A young man from the 



Dull November ! Didn't land that lot. 
Fear my father's son is going to pot. 
Fan jest passed me, turned away 'er eyes, 
Guess she ranked me with the at/ur guys. 
Nobby larks upon the Ninth, my joker ; 
But it queers a chap to want the ochre. 


Now pert^ now pensiye, as 

a maiden, Mat 
Waa a sweet mixture of the 

grave and gay. 
A clever matron now, with 

aims extensive, 
I find that Mat's fa;-pert and most M9-pensive. 
A ayjpb she then flunr flowers by the armfuU, 
Now— ene can't call her figure an ««-ampIe. 
Ab me ! these unknown quantities, these exes. 
Quite alter the equation of the sexes I 

Our Cook, who is verjf stoat, says there is no 
waste in her kitchen. 


(With Mt« Surn't liud perMi4$ioH^<^ courst.) 

Sow buttons everywhere. 
February is the month for cutting teeth. Keep 
the cuttings. 

Trim your little sister's hair with the scissors. 
You may expect a fine crop. 
In harvest time oflfer to cut nurse's com. If 
you are the fortunate pos- 
sessor of two ears, get a box 
for each, and keep them. 

Dig the baby in the ribs, 
plant a blow on your little 
brother's nose, and wait to 
see what the result will be. 
Probably some birch. 

Go into the fruit garden 
and improve your arith- 
metic by going into the 
currant accounts. 

If your little brother 
takes a nectarine, and you 
take another and then tell 
of him, why will you have 
more than he has ? Because 
you will take a nectarine 
fuid peach. 


Dun December ! Dismal, 

dingy, dirty. 
Still shortoommons — makes 

a chap feel shirty. 
Snip rampageous, drops a 

rei^ular summons. 
Fan gets married ; ah ! 

them gurls is rum 'una ! 
After all the coin I squan- 
dered on 'er I 
Want it now. A 'eap too 

bad, 'pen honour. 
Snow I ah that's yer sort 

though, and no error, 
Treat to twig the women 

Fcud in terror. 
Hot 'un in the eye for that 

old feller; 
Cold 'un down 'is neck, bust 

his umbreller. 
Ha 1 ha ! Then Christmas, 

— 'ave a jolly feast ! 
The Boss will drop a tip, — 

'ope so, at least. 
If i dont land some tin, 

my look-out ^s queer. « 
Well, let 's drink, boys— 

"Better luck next year 1 " 


CuTvIt (vliX fiuj^en t^Umidt wKUM taking a vxilk urith hit nea Jlreisr), 

I a£E A tLkOVtlFKKifT '* 

BHlifT i^tatUtti}^ *'WaAT*« Tm — What ts it ft" 

Chto^. " a ' Pajhteu Lady ' iv the xcit Pirlj> 1 " [Rvake* itf til't *■' mud" umi vaiifU iiVtt the ifftlf / 

INo wondtr th* Mtvtremt Gfntirjiui/i kuj ahAj(^kf4, Ih wu wil tHtinwioloffioi!, 'inil did n^l kHifVf thl* ufu tht 

Nothing like a crowd for regular sprees, 
Ain't it fine to do a rush, and squeeze ? 
Twig the women fainting I Oh, it 's proper I 
Bonnet buffers when the blooming copper 
Can't get near yer nohow. Then the fogs t 
Bare old time for regular Jolly Dogs. 
If a chap 's a genuiniB 'ot member, 
He can keep the same un in November t 


Why was Chiron, the sage 
preceptor of Achilles, an im- 
portant element in statics 
and shipbuilding ? — He- 
cause he was a Centaur of 

When ** Beauty draws us 
with a single hair." what 
force does it forcibly illus- 
trate ? — Capillary attrac- 

On what scientific subject 
are the Duke of Cambbidqe, 
Colonel Hendebson, and 
Hr. Smith presumably the 
best authorities?— Theconi- 
position and resolution of 
Can you furnish two in- 
stances of a perfect equilibrium of forces .?— Yes ; 
latent caloric and a ** dead heat." 




in Birch and cana 
*<NoT A Sound was heabd."— Master Silence 

st a Onakem' MAAtinir d4A hAor a. nin f1w\*\ 

Januaby 10, 1880.] 



The Nineyeh Bull Beems to haye beea oa the rampage in the 
Stamboul China Shop, and to have all bat smashed our very shaky 
diplomatic relations in that eminently unsound establishment. 

The Pasha of Police, Hafiz— namesake of the Persian poet, famous 
for his lyrics, amorous, yinous, and Anaoreontio, but himself more 
distinguished by his deeds of hate than of love, and his orgies of 
blood than "wine, his most conspicuous part hitherto haying been that 
of first murderer in the Bulgarian massacres —has lately been 
pla3rinflr one of his little games at Constantinople in the arrest of a 
learned and unoffending agent of the Church Missionary Society, 
the Key. Mr. Koellbb, who has been translating our Prayer Book 
into Turkish, and with him of Ahmed Tewfik, a £hodja, or one of 
the priestly class, whom the missionary had employed to assist him 
in his task, and reyise his translations. 

These arrests being glaringly iUegal, as running in the teeth of 
the Imperial decrees assuring religious tolerance, our Ambassador at 
once insisted on the release of the Missionary, and the poor old 
codgrer, who had got mixed up with him, the restoration of Dr. 
KoBixE&'s papers, and last^ not least, the dismissal of Hapiz, the 
Polioe-Pasha and ez-aotor in the Bulgarian Atrocities. 

The Porte has met the demand with its usual weapons— lies, 
evasions, denials, and procrastinations. But the Nineyeh Bull has 
put down his foot for once ; has giyen the Porte an Ultimatum, and 
the time thereof haying expired, has *' suspended diplomatic rela- 
tions." If he could only suspend that most obnoxious of all our 
diplomatic relations, Hapjz Pasha, and a good many of the same 
kidney ! 

JEn attendant^ the Nineyeh Bull frowns sternly on the Father of 
the Faithful ; there is a great gulf fixed between the English Konak 
of Therapia and the Harem of Yildi Kiosk. Of course Abdttl Haket 
being: as weak as he is stubborn, will in the long run haye to knodi 
under, and right Hafiz Pasha's wronff, or seem to do so. 

In tne meantime our *' suspended relations" are doubtless uncom- 
fortable. But we hope that, on Hapiz's own principle, a little seye- 
rit^ may be employed to *' clear the air," ana that the punishment 
yymofa. has been so lone hanging oyer that blood-stained sooundrel's 
head majr at length fall, ana fail heayily. 

Bat why talk of '* hoping " for such a result P As this would be 
jnstioe, it is a great deisd too much to hope for as the upshot of a 
Stambonl '* difficulty." The more probable end of the affieur will be 

dexterous eyasion with colourable satisfaction of the: English 
Elchee's just demands, and the promotion of Hapiz Pasha in place 
and pay under the pretence of disgrace and punishment. 

By the way, we wonder with what yiew Dr. Koeller can haye 
been translatmg the English Prayer Book into Turldsh ? Can it be 
that Lord B.'s next coup is to be the introduction of the Church of 
England into Asia Minor— and that Dr. Eoellbe's Prayer Books 
are to be used for asking, a blessing on Lord Sandon's steam- 
ploughs P 

Punch to his Excellent Friend Sir Julius Benedict. 
On his recent marriage with Mits Fortey, 

Gallaivt and ^y Sir Jultcs, who again 
Bindest dull Liberty in Loye*s soft chain, 
Oft PuneKi soul, by thy sweet strains inspired, 
Has been to pity moyed, to f eryour fired ; 
And shall he now, as speaker for the Nation, 
Refuse his grateful meed of gratulation P— 
Long may PAmore*8 dart, turning La Morte^$^ 
Leaye thee, at once, Pianolas lord and Foriey*» I 

Warning for Warning. 

OuE American cousins are yery kind in sending us forecasts of storm 
from their side of the Atlantic. It woidd only be ciyil if our political 
weather-seers were to return the compliment by some such Cablegram 
as the following, d propos of Mr. Pabnell, Agitator and M.P. :— 

Storm Warning,— A centre of disturbance has left Irish Coast, 
trayelling westwards. Will probably reach American side by 30th 
inst. ; may be expected to affect all the Northern States within their 
Irish degrees of latitude and longitude. Thunder, lightning^and 
windy weather, with higher temperatures, likely to follow. Warn 
all parties (particularly Irish) to la3r aside metallic substances on 
their persons, as from highly electrical conditions of atmosphere 
such substances may be likely to melt*. 


Stage'Managet'8 Christmas Pantomime Quotati 
"Properties! Properties! Properties, 


"Yois, Lxxym. 


[JAXUAur 10, 1880. 


"• M 


A MosBrs ! a Morris ! jEsthetios, Artisiics, 

Slade suholaxs, Professors, Hi^h-Art dilettante, 
Up with your polemics, if not "with your fistics. 

In defence of Ban Marco against rnQbirbante, 
The Brigands, the Vandals, the Goths, the Bceotians,' 

Who come lorth to destroy on pretenoe to restore, . 
And whose sinister interests or Fnilistine notions ^ 

May soon flay San Marco from finial to floor ! 

They may tell you their aim *8 but to flx his foundations, 

To stay what is sinking, make good what is gone : 
Gammon I That 's but to mask their accurst operations ; 

You judge what they tcill do, by what they nave done. 
Or if your sharp eye on these jobbers and Vandals 

Haye put spokes in their wheels, their profane hands have stayed. 
The virtue 's not theirs, but your vigilant candles** 

The light they have thrown, and the noise you have made I 

Jakgabt 10, 1860 J 



Old Scfikh Wifi. ** LOSH MX I TfllBB 'a K MaTTK Dreitrtn' OOT O* TwA BoArniSI AT AWCB I \ " 

[TA< 0^^ ffen/^TFiait vxis trying his iiett} BimculaTf a Ohrislmas Freseni io his Nephew. 

Then a Morris I & Morria I round brave old San Marco I 

If flU ^a true that they say, be 't a caper of ioy, 
That through alt risk a of wreck m Veoetian. barco^ 

His mosttHiia and marbiea are safe, dear old bey \ 
But if, thanks to rtal3r^8 tuetos una/tlierial. 

Your fears iioint to risks that still hanp o'er bis bead^ 
Ijet yoiir Morris do duty for dance more rtinereah 

jJke that danced in Baale oloiater by Death — o or the dead I 


j| Vtsit to the Athanihra — Dmry Lane ^German Ii€e^^^The 
Gaiety— Mnd o/l'lrst Mound. 

JlOTHQUAGO, at the Alhambrai belongs to a ckas of eatertaiument 
ex:actlf suited to thia house. It k the right piece in the right place. 
There is only one mistake in it^ and that is the absence of tricks and 
transformation*. The Prenoh original was full of thcee grotesque 
surpriBOft, per^jetuaU^ iurpri sing and delighting the audience, Givtn, 
one good piece of this sort, starting at Christmas timei and it ought 
to last the year through, Rothmnagoi^^B sortoJf elastiu story wliieh 
like Jje Tour du Momle^ admits of perpetual yariety^ Aa jsoon as a 
novelty could be obtained^ somothin^ that was played out or that 
didn^t go quite so well as the rest couR be removed, and the novelty 
popped into its place, when, of course ^ all the world must be told by 
every means of advertisement at money ^a cotumand, of tiie additional 
attraction to the apectaoular-extravaganza of JiQihomago^ or what- 
ever tlie piece might be at the Alhambra. 

In this way, Lu Biche a« Bois and the P\edde Mtiuton^ ran for 
about twenty yeara in Paris* They are alwaya ninniner. Were I 
to see in the e^che of the Porte Bt. Martin that La Bkhe was now 
Iw^ing' played with hve new Acts, Hf teen new tableaux, and that all 
Pn.ri« vra8 going to see it as ail Pans has been to see it for the last 
9.aa.rter of a century, I should not bo in the least surprised* And so 
i t tni ^ h t be at the Alham bra^ 

Xhe music of Act 1, is by Mr, SoLOMOir, who shows the usual 
ifriadQm of Bolothok in being remarkably like StTLLivAir^ — and 

none the worse for having studied in that Doctor' b school. In I 
Act II, It is by Signor Bqcaxossi, where a concerted piece^ and the 
ballet-music wore the best numbers: in Act 111, M, Ga8T0N Skr- 
PK^TE gives us one oonoerted piece worthy of his name* and in 
Aot IV* our old friend, and the Aihambra^a best servant, Mr, J, G, 
Jacobi, comes out strong in his ballet, as does also Mllc« KosfiLLi, 
the new dancer, who has danced from Paris^ Turin p Milan, and Bord- 
eaux, all the way up to Leicester Square, where 1 hope to ** meet 
her once again," 

The Fourth Act is the best of the lot, and merits separate notice. 
That the last should be the best is true Albambra polioy (if it 
only begins at a reasonable time, as no doubt it does by now)i in- 
tended for the entertainment of those whom Club dinners have 
detained, and who, alas ! poor creatures, turned loose on the cruel 
streets of London at ten o^clock at night, scarcely know whither to 
bend their steps. To these waifs and strays the hospitable doors of 
the Albambra are open. Within all is brightness and Lightness. 
Mr, PAtTT/roN lectures in his own peouliar vein of humour. Miss 
LosEBT looks charming, and sings melodiously. Miss HKTrr Tract 
is a sweet Fairy, and Miss Fmmi Guam: dees a sauoy Soubrette, 

Neither Mllc» Juxic (who seems to know as littlo of the stage as 
she does of our language), nor Miss Kose Stella^ is an acquisition* 
A Frenchwoman, who has little to recommend her but a name which 
may be mistaken for ** Jimic,'* is of very little use at the Alhambra^ 
judging at least from her tirst performance of \h^ Princesse AUegra* 

The costumes in the Egyptian Ballet are peculiarly eHeotive ; and 
the dancing of Mile, GiLBEitT, and *' little Rosa," in the Vintage 
Ballet, is afl graceful as it ia full of Bie and spirit ^ where the har- 
monious clinking of bright metal cups as an accompaniment to the 
chorus, is a novel and striking eifeott So much lot M&ihomago; i 
and now for Drury Lane, ' 

What! Slue Me^rd never been seen before at Drury LaneS 
Wellt so they say. Who are ihes/ f Mr> IlABKia, Mr, VoffKSp and 
the ** Brothers Grinit," I can^t believe it. 

If not as a pantomime, surely the drama of Blue B^if^l mu*t have 
been done here ever so long ELgo^ before 1M& BeproseatatiTt Person 
was born or thought of. Be that as it may — and I am not an anti- 


[January 10, 1880. 



Milkier Gerald. " Jb ciiois qvE Pai Ukstit im tmv TEOP biauoo'itp hikr j " 

ciuanan— the Pantomime of Blu^ Beard is being done now at 014 Drury^ ajid 
if the aubjeet is a novdtj^ hej% no odso i* the surpriaiuff fact that the Chnetmas 
AudtiaI is not written by Mr. E, L, BLANcnARD. Did that gentle writer of 
Fantomime refuse to treat bo horrible a story as Blue Beard f or has he really 
retired iti favour of the fratemaJ GiiiNNS P So thus wo begin the iJmry Lane 
Pantomime with novelty and mystery. 

Biue Bettrdt or Yqkes^ Entire, was played on Boxing l^ight to a densely 
crowded honea. iMr» Feiiujiaxd WiLLETf stein in the orchestra faced ^ the 
audience bravely i and mrgod on his lead era of attack with bis Marshal's baton. 
The Family is a necesaity at Dmry Lane, but Nect'^sttas non kabet leges ^ i.e, 
** Necessity haa no legs/ and herein the Voees Family baa the pull over the 
Mother of Invention » But, my dear Brothers Gritjn^ why did you <iver go away 
from the real old story of Biue Beard f Mr. Frud Vokes is very funny aa a 
larty Bashaw F— but I dtmH believe in Blue Beard as a mere praotioal joke, 
even in a Pantomime. The Elephant, by Mr, IIidlby and Mr. Ben FrKLPiNfr, 
is the hit of the ^mirne at Drury Lane. Mr* Kidlet does the forelegs, which 
must be rather pnzzling even for a Riddle -y ; while tho bindlega have a good 
mningsy though done by one who is F'lEijiiNfi* When I saw the name of 
JBlDLET, thii Mstoric poet burst forth with the wish that 

We PouW bavo Latirbe, ■ 

Just to pky Faiimik ! 

Tbe Wreck, the great Sea- Serpent, and Frtib and Rawdos' YoifBS in'aeockle- 
boatt ai*o all genuine good pantomimic, fnn of the real old-fashioned sort, and 
therefore pardonable as an introduction into the story of Blue Beard, 

In the Oriental Palace Hci^ne, the Yokes Family ought to have their throne 
of onshions in the centr^j* At present, done as it is, in the right-hand comer 
of tho E5tage, one (j natter of the house doesn*t know what the other three- 
quarters are laughing at. The Blue Chamber is made nothing of ! Oh, fatal 
cynieism of the lirothers Grinn 1 1 You eicita our curiosity with Ja^miaV, 
and then to abow us Nothing I Wliy, Blue Beard wasn't even a Freemasoix, 
actKjrding to the Brothers Gbinn! But the Family I>ance to finish— legs ovir 
head, double encore, and a magnificent Trans form ation S^ene, by "Willi iM 

TsLBiN, which, gorgeous in brillianoy and oolonr, is 
quite a cheering sight in this dull, foggy, unpoetio 
Christmas, which has been anything out ^ All right np 

In the "ComiojJSoenes"— so called, to distinguish 
them from the Senmis Scenes of the Opening— there is 
one great noyelty — a Chwn, tcith a moustache. I thought 
at first it was *' a trick ; " but no— there it remained 
aU the eyening; and unless some new Transformation 
has occurred before these lines appear, there will be that 
moustache on that Clovm's lip. ^* Ah I" as Mr. H. P. 
Stjephbvs says in his topical Song, ''What are we 
coming to next f" A Cloum in moustachios I Why, 
he'll come on with whiskers, and then without bis 
paint; and then without his motley! And then— a Pan- 
tomime, in plain clothes, under tne patronage of " the 
Church and Stage Guild," with a Ballet of Colonial 
Bishops, in short skirts, and a Rural Dean, l«nt for the 
run by the Pastoral Aid Society, to Appeal as the Good 
Fairy Pew Opener. 

So .much for Drury Lane, and success to the Yokes' 

At the St George's Hall, the Gesmait Reeds haye got 
a genuinely sea^nable entertainment called A Christmas 
Stockina^ written by Mr. Gilbert 1 Bxcksit, who has 
evidentr^ been inspired by the famous adroLtures of 
Miss Auce in Wonderland. Mr. AlItbxd Reed as a 
Jaok-in-the-Box toy has the most mary«Uoii8 make-up, 
being an exact living reproduction of one of those start- 
ling bogies which were at once the delight and terror 
of our childhood when we snatched a fearful jov ia 
undoing the wire hook that kept down the lid of the dox. 
Mr. Alfred Bishop is inimitable as the Beadle out of a 
Punch Show, whoae poor wooden head has beoi so be- 
laboured that he oannot recall the name of the yillain 
who stood at a first-iloor window and committed such 
diabolical atrocities as might wdl attract the attention 
of Mr. GLADSToms. Mr. Cornet Graiv is a Prince off 
a Twelfth-cake, which, to a kgical-minded critic like 
myself, seems a mistake, as such a |>er8onag«, whatever 
pleasure he may have, has no business in tl^ Land of Toys. 

Mr. £iN« Hall's music is charming from first to Isist, 
specially a trio and dance between Miss Edith BRAin)0N 
(who looks about fifteen, and plays the little girl, quite 
a first-cousin to Alice, aomirably), and the two Alfreds, 
Rred and Bishop. 

It is to a thoroughly careful carrying out of this style 
of entertainment on an enlar|^ scale that Messrs. Gil- 
bert AND SuLUYAir owc their success with such meoee 
as The Sorcerer (which was eminently a Germait Reed 
style of entertainment, like the same Author's Ages Ago)^ 
and The Pisu^fore, Ilie Op^ra Comique performance u 
only the GsRicAir Reed's entertainment '*writ large," 
and the patronage which manv persons, who have 
hitherto restricted thesiaelYes to tne show at St. George's 
Hall, have «besto wed on the Op^ra Comique proves the 
relationship — the Pitu^fore^ with its ^* cousins and 
aunts," establishes a relation-ship in itself — existing 
between the two establishments. 

The Gaiety OulUver^ to be^in with, is a happy title, 
and as the piece contmues it strikes me that it is a 
happy title to go on with. Essentially for Christmas, a 
better show of children for children cannot be seen than 
in the last Act but one of the Gaiety ChiUiver, Yes, it 
is in Acts, but don't let anyone be dismayed by what 
sounds at first a formidable fact — ** Seven Acts and 
twelve Tableaux," lasting from 7*30 tiU 11*30 at night, 
or from 1*15 to something past five in the afternoon. 
Here is something to be seen and heard too for the 
money, and the money laid out on the Ghiiety ChiUiver 
musthaTe been sometning considerable. What chariots 
drawn by nightmares must Mr. H. J. Btron, its author, 
have ridden in for ever so many months previous to 
its production, and how Tery blanc?ies must haye been 
the cartes (jiot drawn by nightmares theee) given by Mr. 
JoHK Hollhtgshead— Gaiety JoBor— to eyerybody, 
eyerywhero, to securo the funniest pantomimists, the 
cleverest children, the brightest costumes and scenery, 
and in fact the best of everything. The well-selected 
music is admirably performed by the disciplined band 
of Herr Meter Ltttz— the back of whose liead is not 
yet a familiar sight to the audience, haying been so long 
nidden under a budiel g^ footlights— and the Storm Scene 
is a most striking effect. Mr. Eltok, struggling with 
the waves, is quite in his element. On the night I saw 
him, '* he like a sailor fell," and went to Davy Jones's 
^L:_:_-i elf 


Jandart 10, 1880.] 


*/ ''^n.v,f^^; 


Post Captain (Commanding Naval Brigade at exercise under the AdmiraiPs eye, to Middy acting as Galloper,). 


'Don't oboss the' 

looker, "never to go affain''— like the Grandfather's dock (has it 
stopped at last P)— at least, not as *'tiie matinons mate," out as 
the Aing of Comic Song Island. 

Miss Eats Yauohan, as Pretty PoU of Portsm&uthf dances her 
best, and that's saying not onlj much but eyerjthinff;. while Miss 
Nellie Fabsen, Lemuel Chdhver.oi course, is liveuerthan ever, 
and that 's Touching for a good deal. In the earlier part the songs, 
duetts, trios, and quartettes, by the talented combination of Miles. 
YAueHAN and FaBbbn, and Messrs. Tesbt and Rotce, are per- 
petually redemanded ; and the song in the Brobdingnagian Cornfield is 
capitally written, excellently sun^, and heartily encored, till there 's 
not a Terse of it. left to sing. Miss Wadmajt sings charmingly the 
solo part of one' of the most gnu^fnl numbers in^the whole piece ; 
and Jiiss Louis freshens' us up with a taste of her spiritr— «he 
is the Spirit of Christmas Cheer— just at the very end of the 

The Scenery, by Messrs. Llotds (he's only one person, thouffh 
in the plural, but quite equal to two), Febkifs (with all the 
strength of Babclat in him), Haitk (Brother Haiot, not ** Sister 
Hakv ")^ Gbtbye & Son— and the son can ncTor make his father 
GrieTO— IS good from first to last. But the last— the Tory. Tory last 
—An Allegorical Tableau of the Golden Age, is by Mr. JBeteblbt, 
and reminds me of the time when Madame Ybstbis plaved The 
King of the Peaeocke. and The Island jof Jewels — both, of course, 
by Mr. T. R. Plahche— bless him ad muUos annos /—and when all 
London crowded to the Lyceum to tee the Christmas ExtniTaganza, 
and when the Last Scene, for which CTeryone stopped— as thev do 
now most respectfully, on being; so requested to do, at some of the 
Comedy Theatres— was the Scenic Artist's chefd'osuvre of the year, 
and became the talk of the town, and that ch^ d*€suvre was by 
the same cunninpr hand that has painted The Golden Age of the 
Gaietv Gulliver ^ Mi, W. Bbtxblet, as aforesaid. I only wished to 
see The King of the Peacocks glide forward frrai the centre, and I 
should haTe been a good little boy again, like Mr. Eotgb, in the 
Opoung Scene. 

Then there's the Flying Ballet, and the Review of the Lilliputian 
Army by Queen Mite of lilliput— where Mite is Bight— and she is 
the dearest little Mite, and the most unselfconscious. But space 
will not j^enmt me to say more ; and CTeryone can see it in bits, or 
at one sitting, for themselTes. So walk up, walk up, and see the 

show I This is, as the Prizefighters say, the end 'of the First Round ; 
and next week I will come up smiling, ready for another : till when 
I am Your faithful 

Repbssentati V JS. 

P.S.— J propos of theatrical notabilities, the funniest, if not the 
best likenesses I haTO yet seen of Mr. iBTDva and Miss Tebbt as 
Shylock and Portia, are by M. Pilotell, in the latest number of 
Sketch, Its new Editor bears a name dear to all connected with Punch, 
who, I am sure, for our late Chiefs sake, will join with me .in 
wishing success to Mr. Reodtau) Shibley Bbooks. 

Wiring: into the Cape. 

The QxTXEir may mark the inauguration of the Submarine Cable 
to the Cape by exenange of messages with such liTing Potentates as 
the Sultan of Z akkibab. Sir B abtle Fbebb, and Sir Gabnet Woubet. 
Punch, more faToured, is priTileged to communicate with the Cape's 
great IMscoTcrer. 

The Ghost of Yasgo be Gaica wires to 85, Fleet Street, from 
the Anglo-Dutch Elysian Fields, under the shadow of Table 
Mountain : — 
'* To Great Britain, binding her not by Red-tape, 
I am fflad, that like me, you haye doubled the Cape ; 
Made ner strength twice as strong, and her hope twice as stable, 
Linked, and anchored, at once, by the Submarine Cable I " 

TightneM without Tipple. 

We are warned to "prepare for a tight money-market in the 
spring." But how are we to prepare P WhateTer Sir Wilfbid 
Lawsok and the United Kingdom illianee maT say, there is no pre- 
Tenting tightness of that sort, either by Inhibitory Bill or Ix>cal 

By Rights. 
{See the Pall Mall, Morning Pott, and Daiiy Telegraph, passim,) 

If the Boruseia late a wreck we 'ye seen, 

So that Bore-Russia shouldjongjainoe haye been I 

— . -^l:^ — ,o - 

^r%--r f^m-.'rr.r 


[January 10, 1880. 


ffis Grace the Duke of Poplar and Bervumdsey, ** Jusr look at these Bags tov last Built uf, Smippb ! J' byeb 6EB such 


Mr, Snippe (of Snippe and Son, St, Javua's Street), "You've always grumbled about youb Bags, as you call *em, ever 


OF THE Legs inside 'pm ! So shut up, old Stick. in-the-Mud, and let 's join the Ladies— the Duchess has promised to 
GIVE us ^Little BillbbP** 

** A flattering tale ? " Alas ! the wise- 
Glad Goddess of the azure eyes I — 
Grow ag:e-proof 'gainst the potent hattery 
Of cheering charms that lies in flattery ; 
So poor of faith, of hope so chary, 
That f ahles from the Court of Fairy, 
And your fallacious fictions seem 
The pageants of a world of dream. 
Yet, Goddess, when the youngling Year 
Draws to you half in hope, hdf fear. 
And pleads, like any other boy. 
For pretty tales of peace and joy— 
The roseate rapturous romance 
That makes youth's throbbing pulses dance— 
Kind Hope for all her doubts must feel 
Tempted to answer his appeal. 


And tell him tales, prophetic, pleasant. 
And brighter than our past, or present. 
Enough of Erebus and Nox I 
Have we not plumbed Pandora's box P 
And may we not rejoice to find 
That Hope at least is left behind, 
With radiant eyes and honeyed lips. 
To dissipate despair's eclipse ? 
Tell how the Fairy Princess Peace, 
Herald of quiet and increase. 
Will soon step forth, and drowsing Duty 
Awaken like Qie Sleeping Beauty 
At kiss of Conscience, and the cry 
Of honour and humanity. 
Tell— call it not a flattering tale- 
How trade will soon return, we 'U hail 

Oar tfnant Goldylocks most gladly, 
For in his absence all goes badly. 
We 're rather sick of ghosts and bogles^— 
Such vampire taste too much in vogue is,— 
So, if you please, let's have your story, 
Quite free from all that's grim or gory. 
Then, eotdd you throw in summer skies. 
Touched with the tint of your own eyes ? 
Such as our late preposterous weather 
Veils from our vision altogether I 
Great Gbddess of the Anchor deign 
To free us from the reigp of rain. 
Which swampNed us all in Seventy-Nine. 
To this our suit kind ear incline. 
Who back for reasons all too weighty. 
The plea of our young Hopeful, Eighty. 

Fair and Foul. 
Nottcino a recent ecclesiastical celebration at the Church of St. 
Clement Danes, a contemporary antithetically observes :— 
*^ Althoagh there was a dense fog, there was a fair congregation." 

What an exemplary, as well as fair, oongreflration, not to be 
deterred from attending church by a fog which, in its density, 
combined with London's smoke and soot, must have been dangerous, 
if not detrimental, to all fair complexions. 

TBAcnra Papek.— For Pedigrees. 

Unprecedented Attraction. 

*' Mr. GsoROB EiONOLD in Comedy ALOKE." 

So runs the commencement of a theatrical advertisement. What 
a great star Mr. Gbobge Riokold must be I A whole dramatic 
company concentrated in the person of a single performer I Mr. G. 
Rignold's must be, sorely, the very essenoe of acting. 


How fickle is man I At the Criterion Theatre von may be JlUed 
at eight, and yet find yourself perfectly hap^y with Betsy at 8*45. 






Digitized by 


Januaby 10, 1880.] 




A Ketc Verwm, resptcifvlly" dedicated to the Duke'of Somenet. 

ATE, upon a mid- 
night dreary, as 
I pondered, chill 
bnt cheery. 

Over certain prosy 
Yolumes of Con- 
temporary lore — 

Midst prophetic 
paffes prowling, 
suadenlj I heard 
a growling, 

As of something 
faintly howling, 
howling at my 
chamber door. 

'* Tis some poor 
stray tyke.^ I 
mntterea, "howl- 
ing at mj cham- 
ber door; 
Only that, aBd 

Much I marvelled this most sickly fowl to hear respond so quickly, 
Thongh the namen was a ram one. it a certain aptness bore, 
As to those dnll dnpes of foUy and foreboding melancholy, 
Hop efol seldom, never jolly, doting on those days of yore. 
Who esteem the present hopeless, ntter failure or next door— 
To be mended nevermore I 

But the Baven, squatting lonely on the plaster bust spake only 
That one word, as though his soul in doldrums he would thus outpour 
Nothing further then he uttered, though his spirit seemed son 

'* Come ! '' I said, or rather muttered, *' you 'le dyBpeptic,~'tis i 

But to-morrow you 'U be bettor, sleep will your lost tone xertore.^ 
Chioth th* EMwm, ''^Nevermore I " 

y so patly spoken, 

BOW, is ms only stock and 

saw disaster. 

I aistnieayl 
reoMsaber it was 
in the eold De- 

And aiy llfo to its 
last ember Imm- 
ed, wkilo ovtsr 
biasia did xoar. 

Fearfully I funked 
the morrow, vain- 
ly I had sought 
to borrow 

Frommy friends* or, 
tomy sorrow»add 
to my ooal-mer- 
chant's score— 

To that swollen, 
heavy-laden thing 
poor devils call a 
'* score"— 
To be setded— 

And the wind^, wild, uncertain flapping of my window curtain 
Filled me, thnued me with fantastic fancies never known before ; 
So that, now, to eheck the cheating of my mind I stood repeating, 
'* 'Tis that JoKEs's dog entreating entrance at my chamber door — 
Bibulous JoiTBs'sjpug entreatine entrance at my chamber door,— 
Only that, and nothing more.'' 

_ then no longer, 
intrusion is a bore ; 

. , jr, that so late you come a 

^ howling^ 

Keeping up this nasty growlinr. growling at my chamber doorP 
I was hardly sure I heard you.^' Here lopen flung the door,— 
Darkness there, and nothing more I 

Back into my chamber turning, where my lamp was dimly burning, 
Soon again Iheard a growlinr, something louder than before. 

Surely," said I, " surely, that is something stirring at my lattice, 
Let me see if ghost or cat 'tis, and this mystery explore. 
Foohl /have it. what a duffer, what a booby, to oe sure I 
^Tis the wind, and nothing more I 

Open here I flimg the casement, when, to my extreme amazement. 
In there stepped a rusty Raven of the " glorious days of vore.'' 
Not the least obeisance dropped he, not an instant stayed or stopped 

But, like ghoul who hopped and floppedt ^^ perched above my 

chamber door— 
On a plaster bust of Dizzy standing o'er my chamber door— ■ 
Perched and sat, and— nothing more I 

Then this seedy bird beguiling my chilled features into smiling, 
Bythe grave lugubrious grimness of the solemn phiz he wore, 
"Thou art welcome to this haven," said I, "foul, bedraggled, 

HopeleBs-looking ancient Baven, croaking as of days of yore. 
Tea me what thy lordly name is, is or was, in days of yore." 
Quoth the Baven, ** Nevermore I " 

Struck to find the sileiiee broken by 
"Doubtlees," said I, ''thii one 

Can^t from pessindstie master, who in ^ _ 
Coming fast and cominf faster, till his wails cne burden bore,- 
Till his sad vaticinations one unvarying burden bore. 
This same Baven's " JNevermorel" 

But the Raven still beguiling my amused soul into smiling. 
Straight I wheeled my easy chair in front of bird, and bust, and door ; 
Then, upon the eushion sinking, thought to thought by fancy linking, 
I emploved my brains in thinking what this black and feathered bore, 
like all gaunt funereal vaunters of those precious days of yore. 
Meant by croaking " Nevermore I " 

Then methought the air srew denser, darkened as by cynie censor. 
Some CASSAKnni. whose forecastings are of evil days in store. 
"Croak no moiel'^Ieried. " Content thee with the gifts the gods 

have sent thee I 
(Hve us resoite and nepenthe from sad dreams of days of jrorel 
Let us quan hope's sweet nepenthe, and forget thoee days of yore I " 
Quoth the Bava^ "Nevermerel" 

"Prophet," said 1. "of things evil I 'Thinn are going to the devil,' 

Is the formula of logiea, I have heard that Dosh before ; 

Times look dark, but hearts undaunted find the future still 


inth fair visions such •• hannted valiant souls in days of yore. 
Can't jou, eanH you look less glumP Keep up your pecker, I 


Quoth the Baven, — " Nevermore I " 

" Prophet," said 1, " of things evil, I don't wish to be uncivil. 
But tne heavens still bend above us, happy days are still in store ; 
All are not with merrims laden, still the future holds its Aidenn, 
For brave youth ana beauteous maiden ; prophets have been wrong 

Generally are^ in fact : why oaa't they learn and cease to bore P " 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore I " 

" Then, look here ! we 'd best be parting, croaking fowl I " I cried, 

You had better find your way to some Fools' Paradise's shore I 
Leave no feather as a token of the rubbish you have spoken, 
Leave my lonelv rest unbroken, quit that bust above my door I 
Take thy beak irom out my sight, and take thy bladmess fitnn my 
door ! " 

Quoth the Baven, " Nevermore I " 

And the Baven still is squatting, my sasthetic paper blotting. 

On the plaster bust of Dizzt, just above my chamber door. 

With his wall-eyes dully gleaming 'neath the nightmare of his 

And the gaslight o'er him streaming, casts his shadow on the floor ; 
But my soul in that black shadow that lies heavy on the floor. 
Shall be shrouded— Nevermore I 

Laat Additions to our TfagTish VoeabtOAry. 
{From reeetU Indian experieaee,') 

** A Fanatic,^ One who is readyto kill and be lolled in defence 
of his country, like the Greeks atxhermopylsd, and the Dutch at 

*^ Scientific Frontier >^ A position in an intensely hostile country 
where three armies may be shut up close together, each unable to 
help or communicate with the other. 

*^An Indepemdent, United. andFriendljf Country.^* One invaded 
and occupied by three hostile armies which hold only the ground 
they stand on ; which every man, woman, and child are leagued to 
destroy, and whose commanders are lain to hang every man who 
resists tiiem, to bum their villages, and to turn their women and I 
children out to starve. _^ _ _^ 



[January 10, I860. 


Gallant Colonel {who Tuu just been made a Chrand/alTier, and can talk of nothing else), ** Do TOU 


Fair AtUharess of " A Pair of Cavalry Mustaches,*^ dfcc., dte., dfcc. " I loathx all Childein ! " 


<' It pves US great Batis&ction to record that Mr. Thbodobb H. Bryant, of the firm of Bryant and May, 
has mumfioently offered to Uie Tower Hamlets a statue of Mr. Oladstonb as a birthday tribute. The statue 
wilL we believe, cost at least a thousand guineas. The sculptor who has been comminioned to execute the work 
ii Mr. Albert Brucb Jot, of Pembridge Gardens. Mr. Jot was a pupil of the late Mr. Folbt, and has 
already established a reputation by his successful treatment of the Laird Memorial at Liyerpool and Chief- 
Justice Whitesidb Memorial in Dublin."— ^Ao. 

** WAaKANTBD to light Only on the Box "— 

Bbyant and Mat 
Are Later Lncifers— a Box and Cox, 

Twin match for day I 

Why then hath Mat thus Bbyant left alone, 

In hiB hright thought, 
To set on high a marble-carv'd Gla])8t6n£, 

By Jot ywrought P 

Young Sculptor Jot into Art's seyenth heayen 

So to uplift, 
And dull TowerHamlets* frowsy lump to leaven 

With the rare gift? 

Nay, like the year, the firm hut for delight 

Mat's name employ ; 
There 's no Mat now, with Bbtant to unite 

Glad-stone, and Jot I 

Cargoes and daicksands. 

Mb. Pliksoll has announced tohiBoonstituents that he meditates an effort in the approaching 
Session to put an end to the loading of grain in hulk on board ship. From this practice results the 
shifting of car^^)es, and often the loss of ships. It is, no doubt, somewhat cheaper to ship grain 
in bulk than in bags, so as to prevent its shifting. Possibly, that consideration may he some 
reason why shiDowners pcnrsist in loading vessels with shifting cargoes. If the vessels so laden are 
sufficiently; well insured, it is no loss to those gcaotlemen when they go to the bottom, crews and 
all. Shifting cargoes appear to he no less destructive tiian shifting sands. The Goodwin Sands 
cannot he helped ; but there is some hope that Mr. Plihsoll may accomplish his design of doing 
away with shifting cargoes and the evil winnings of their over-insured shipper. 


OuB Oxford Correspondent telemphs to us to contradict the report that at the dinner of 
the Druids, on New Year's Day, Sir Williaic Habcoubt wore a wreath of mistletoe, and was, 
on the plea of it, repeatedly kissed by the wives and daughters of leading Druids during the 


(From his Abode in the Island of 

1 AM owner of all I survey, 

I can hunt, I can fish, 1 can shoot. 
But I cannot my mortffagees pajr, 

And their AlMtnw don: t admit of 
Oh, property ! where are the charms. 

So many have found in thy face P 
Here I live in the midst of alarmB, 

Yet with fourteen Police in my 

I am out of humanity's reach, 

If not, I 'd host out of it run- 
While Anti-rent orators teach 

That the tenant's best friend is a 
The beasts that roam over the plain. 

My form witii indifference see. 
Not so the bold tenants too fain 

To take a pot-diot at poor me I 

Law or justice, hard bargain, or fact, 

Religion, morality, fear, — 
We haven't a Landlord-mght Act, 

So it 's useless to talk of them here : 
Oh I had I the wings of a dove, 

Or the money to take me away, 
I 'd flee from the place that I loye, 

And let who will my mortgages pay I 

But I cannot. I 'm tied to a land 
Where the tenants refuse to pay 
And the natives have taken a stand 
For "free soil," and "a Home 
It 's no use for the Saxon to try 

To these people the truth to unfold. 
That the first they 're unable to buy. 
And the second they cheerfully 

In America, England, and France, 

As in Canada. Russia, and Spain, 
I have friends, but I see little chance 

That I ever shall see them again. 
The land that they own is their 
own — 

They haven't aTenant-Right Act- 
Agitators must let them alone. 

And the law says they shan't be 

It is useless to envy their lot ;— 
But I hear my hrave peasantry's 
So, as I don't want to be shot, 

I had better be getting indoors. 
My grandfather was not content 

In his island of Law and of Peace, 
How would he have eigoyed a life 
Where troubles seem never to 

How'd have he liked to wake in a 
In doubt if his doors were secured r 
I ask myself, ** Can it be right 
That this state of things is not 
That my capital, land-locked, is gone. 
And my land safe to pay but its 
Bring no profit, when profit is won. 
And hear all the loss, when it's 


What is Nihilism ? Nothing, when 
you are used to it. (3 

January 10, 1880.] 




The design for a Medal to be stmok in honour of the new Enight, 
Sir Charles Kitebs Wilson, G.C, of the Order of SS. Michael 
and George, must represent Sir Kiyebs mounted, and in full armour. 

sla/ing the Drajgpon of Egyptian Finance, and rescuing the fair 
Pnncess Londonina-Farisina from her Egyptian Bondage. 
What 's on the Eeverse of the Me<ial ? 

We hope not ; hut if this is struck for the Egyptian Mint, it will be like the KnEDiVfi's Egyptian Mint Sauce, that's all. 


(From a Romance of the Scientific Stone Age.) 

<* Borne day, as Professor Maskbltm i leads us to expect, we shall probably 
turn carbon into diamonds as readilv as we now turn iron into steel, . . . and 
the diamond, like many of its predecessors, may be dethroned from its pre- 
eminence among precious stones." — Daily Faper* 

• ••••• 

'* Yebt well, Madam,'* said the Duke, his yoice trembling with 
hi^h-bred emotion, ** the bill for this last batch of old China shall be 
paid — no matter at what sacrifice I " 

The Duchess laughed a silvery little laugh, as she daintily dusted 
a choice Kylin of old Nankin — with the cli^sic four marks ! 

Already the Duke was whirling in the family barouche towards 
a back street in Piccadilly. 

He carried a large brown-paper parcel on his lap. Heavy beads of 
perspiration rolled down his wrinkled but still noble brow. His one 
thought was that the bill for the China must be met, and, like his 
great ancestor at Agincourt, though his nerves might tremble, his 
soul was calm. 

The carriage drew ud at the entrance to a side allev. A few 
doors down it was a secluded entrance, surmounted by tne familiar 
arms of Lombardic device, if they be not, indeed, the paUe of the 
Florentine merchant adventurer. Within the passage opened a 
row of dark and ominous-looking doors. The Duke dashed 
desperately at the first. It 3rieldea, and ^ve him access to a 
boarded compartment like the dock of a criminal oourt. Flinging 
his brown-paper parcel with hauteur on the section of oounter that 
stretched before nim, "I shall want £3,000,'' he said. *'Let ihe 
duplicate be made out in the name of Wilson— Bayswater." 

The Clerk eyed him narrowly. Hien he undid the parcel slowly. 
It contained all the family jewels of a ^eat Dukedom. The diogy 
oounter scintillated under their sparklmg splendour. A gleam of 
pride shot from the haughty old noble's eye. 

**Come," he said, persuasively, as he surveved the glittering 
trinkets with a regretful gaze, " you can make it JESOO more. There *s 
not a set to match them in the Peerage ! " I 

It was the Clerk's turn to speak now. I 


"Five hundred morel" he repeated, with semi-sarcastic, s 
serious surprise, " why the whole lot wouldn't be worth five 
to us now." 

He pushed back the brown-paper i)arcel as he spoke, and turned 
to glance indifferently through the window at a passing cab. 

The Duke was breathing heavily. It was clear that the shock had 
gone deep and gone home. He could hardly master his feelings. 

"Five shillings I" he muttered hysterically. "Not worui five 
shillings P What do you mean ? " 

The man looked sadly at the tottering aristocrat, as half con- 
temptuously, half compassionately, he broke to him the terrible 
truth, — 

"This lot, your Grace, is all oldrfashioned Brazil and Indian 
stuff. We only do business in the St. Bollox Stones— the scientific 
article I " 

Cool Hands. 

To Exeter's Licensed Victuallers, 
When NoBTHCOTB temperance preaches. 

One asks, admiringly, how far 
Official cheek now reaches. ' 

Sole parallel to Nobthcote's work, 
Is when, through Europe's storm, 

Salisbukt and Latabd to the Turk 
Find cheek to preach Kef orm I 


Clebgtmen in the Church of England work for their bread and 
butter. After his sermon in Westminster Abbey on Christmas Day, 
Dean Stanley may be said to be working in tlie Establishment for 
his bread and Buddha. 

Female Candidates fob Seats.— Th^ pooj 
Linendrapers' counters. Digitized by 

d the 



[Januaby 10, 1880. 


AXEir all aback by 
the last extraordi- 
nary Edison electric 
light invention, Mr, 
Punch wonld be glad 
if he oonld announce 
as confidently as he 
is assured by know- 
ing* parties in the 
Sluure Market that 
he ought to do, 
that he has satisfied 
himself as to the 
merits of the fol- 
lowing wondfliful 
inTontions. to be 
shortly launched 
from America:^ 

The Tiffo-hundr^ 
Milesian- Hour 
Travelling Cmr, — 
This marvellous ve- 
hicle is in part ex- 
plained by its name. 
, Not only will it 
travel at the above 
tremendous rate, 
but it will also be 
found one of the 
most comfortable of 
conveyances. The 
motive power is ob- 
tained from an entirely new and original source. It is calculated 
that the cost of manuiacture for a car capable ot holding one hun- 
dred people, will be considerably less than that of a London four- 
wheeled cab. As it is self -working, there wiU be no expenditure 
needed for fuel, &c. (This ^reat and glorious invention ought to send 
down Kailway Shares considerably.) 

The Anti'Amtatie Ship.—XA its name implies, this extraordi- 
nary vessel wul be peiiectiy independent of water. It is built 
on a new principle. By an invention (which will be explained so 
soon as it shall have been patented), it is able to dispense with 
sfdls, engines, or crew. It can easily be worked by a child of 
six years old, and needs no steering. As it is made of a mate- 
rial considerably cheaper than paper, the cost of manufacture 
will be unimportant. (It may naturally be expected that this great 
and glorious invention will seriously depreciate Steamboat Shaim ) 

Staff of Life ^eeenee.—Thia wonderful drink is warranted to 
supply sufficient nourishment for man and beast from year's end to 
years end. The marvellous liauid was discovered by accident. It 
is not intoxicating, and has all the properties of bread and water 
combined. It occurs in nature in even greater abundance than the 
latter all-pervadmg fluid. It can be made out of anything for abso- 
lutely nothing. Thisgreat and glorious invention may be expected 
materially to affect Water-work &ares.) 

The Coming Secret, — ^This crowning wonder in the way of inven- 
tion is so marvellous that it is impossible to describe it. Suffice it 
to say that it will do awajrwith the British CJonstitution, Free 
Trade, the National Debt. Joint Stock Banks, Foreign Bonds, and 
Commerce generally. (Tms great and glorious invention may be 
fairly expected to send down everything and everybody.) 

Two Notable Advertisements. 

Tapft in orders evidentiy bears in mind the old rhyme, and thinks 
that other clerical Taities, especially of the inferior orders, require 
a sharp eye kept on them. Thus we find in the Guardian^ Decem- 
ber 24, tms sig^iificant demand from Monmouth :— 

WANTED, a WOMAN and her DAUGHTER, to Uve in the Vicarage, 
wash for the family who reude eliewhere, and look after the Curate. 
Address, &c. 

It is not generally the old women who look after the Curate. 
So, perhaps, it was as well to coiq;>le, as is done in this advertise- 
ment, an elder woman and her daughter for this eminentiy feminine 

Here is a good opportunity for anyone wishing to commence as 
a Lady Help :— 

WANTED, a useful, decided Christian HELPER, in an mstitution 
near London, to ground the Gtirls in English and help domettioally. 
Salary £10 per annum to begin. 

A Gk>vemess and a Housemaid in one for £10 a year I The Chris- 
tian Principal of the Institution is evidently up to striotiy Com- 
mercial principles as well I 


A " DisAPPOHfTED MoTHBR," through the Times, teUs ns that, 
under the will of her late husband, her two sons were to be sent to a 
public schooL Meanwhile — 

<*For iereral years they were in a Private Boarding School, and both 
passed at an early age the Junior Oxford Local Examination." 

Her boys were then examined for entrance to *' one of the so-called 
^f^it schools.'' and nassed, but, there being no immediate vacancy 
in the ^iihod, she plaoed them for one year with a dergyman, to 
have them ooa^^ed. Hie year of private coaching cost ner tbree 
times tho money she had previously paid for their scm>oling, whereas, 
had thi jr coaoh been paid for results, it would have cost her nt/, for 
her '' buys had not added one particle to their stock of knowledge." 
However, at length they passed into the public sohooL 

** With what reiatt P The elder left two years ago, and is now entering 
into his twenty-aeoond year ; tiie younger left last July, and is now nineteen 
and a half, llieir present condition is such that, erer since they hare left 
school, they have bmn under a gentleman, who is teaching them what they 
well knew when they passed the Oxford Local Examination.** 

Hence a justiy *' DiaAPPonnxn Motusr" naturally enough con- 
cludes that *' Our great schools want inq>ection sadly.*' Experience 
has certainly given her some cause to compare them unfavourably 
with private schools: although as to the latter she generalises 
rather widely in saying that they "must teach, or dose." Too many 
of them do neither. 

Her boys, at any rate, both of them learned at a Private Boarding 
School enough to enable them to pass the Junior Oxford Local 
Examination at an early age. Unq[uestionably they were taught so 
mnch ; but then how were they taught it P In such a style that 
they nave now, at an adult age, to be taught it over again. 

bo it seems that a ** DisAPPonrrBi) Mothes's" two sons were 
educated at the Private Boarding School as the bottles are aerated 
in a soda-water manufactory. Cif ormation must have been forced 
into the former as carbonic acid gas is pumped into the latter. The 
gas is retained in the botUes whilst corked down, but escapes on the 
removal of pressure ; so, if the boyish minds are left open, their 
school-learning, set free mm forcible compression, goes off in youth- 
ful effervescence. Admirable system, hj which ourvouth at an 
eariy a^ are enabled to pass the examinations, for which at maturer 
years they have to be crammed all over again I 


If the Pamellites insist on shooting all rent-payers, what is to 
become of the Pig, who has always been known in Ireland as.*Hhe 
Gintieman who pavs the rint P " Is it to be a case of pig-shooting, 
or pig-sticking^ *li over the country P 


Wso are the principal men of mark in Europe P Bismasck, of 
course^ for one. Amongst others might be mentioned Continental 
Sovereigns, the mark of bad subjects who, happily, miss the mark 
they shoot at, as well as their aim at notonety. 


Thb Ute Indians in Colorado are reported to have been giving 
trouble to their civilised neia^bours. The Head Chief of these 
aboriginals bears the name of Oubat. Their war-cry is naturally, 
*' OuBAT fos our Leader I " 

PBAcnsnrG what tou pbeach. 

Snt Waxtbb Tbbveltak's cellar appears to be rather an embar- 
rassing bequest to Dr. HiGHABDSoir. Why did he not have recourse 
to *' local option,*^ and decline it P 

CoiCPLiiCENTS OF THE SEABGir {altered to 8uU the Times),—^* A 
Muddy Christmas and a Sloppy New Year I '* 

Afteb Matbdcoiit.—A couple in a United State can always sign 
themselves U S. 

A Windfall to the Caledonian.— The Tay Bridge Disaster. 

The Constitutional Diffk 



tm' To OoBBUPOirDBirBB.— 71U BdUor doanothcid Mm$ef/ bound to aehwmUdfft, rtturn, 9rpapfer OomiribtdumM, Imn9 com can tkm he rtturntd umlm tuempamM bf a 

itamped and dinettd envelope, Oopi4s tkould be ktpL 


January 17, 1880.] 




Thb ammaloeiemoiiY of Tarninff Over a Naur Lmi on the wwnimwoeieat of a 
newyear took plaoe on Twelfth Night, with the oofltomaiT solemnitiM. 

Tne Boene was iimple, bnt impressiTe. The Great Bo(« of 1880, enrnptoonaly 
hound and emblajsoned, waa bonie in on the ehonldeve of the oldest inhalntants, 
and its pages, vast, white, and immaeulate, opened on the outstretohed wings 
of a respondent golden eagle, supported on either side by B&iTAirNiA and a 
Yeoman of the Ghiard. 

A flourish of trumpets sounded as eaoh member of the noble oompany rose 
frmn his seat, adyanoed to the Eagles, and, with graye deliberation, turned over 
a leaf, and inscribed thereon, one, two, or three promises and engagements for 
tiie current year. The number is thus limited that the burden of responsibility 
may not be insupportable. We can only select a few examples of the new leayes 
turned oyer in tne.Book of 1880. 

The SuUan,—^^! will reform, and be a better Soyerei^. I will do ail Sir 
HxNBT Latars tells me. I will neyer asnin put the British Fleet to the incon- 
yenience of steaming up the Dardanelles." 

Emperor of JRuana.—^* I will not be embarrassed and impoyerished by more 
wars, oon^Luests, or armed expeditions. I will try the experiment of a Bepre- 
presentatiye Gk>yemment. I will shut up Siberia.'' 

The Three ^mp^or«.~" Wewill keep upyery small armies, iust sufficient 
for garrison duties. We will form a Holy Alliance of Peace with one another, 
and of good- will towards all Soyereigns and peoples." 

France. — " We will be a moderate, patient, and, in fact, model Bepublic." 

Egypt, — ''We will pay our debts. If our new Ehsditb is not strong 
enough, we will put Go&dok Pasha in his place." 

Totted States.—'* We will go for Free Trade. We will send Mr. Pakbtell 
about his business. We will be better friends with John Bull than oyer." 

South African Colonists.—'' We will pay the Zulu bilL" 

Earl of Beacontifleld.—'* 1 will not deyise so much employment for Her 
Imperial Majesty's land forces. As an agreeable yariation, I will attend to 
domestic legislation— though, as one seriously meditating speedy dissolution, I 
can't be expected to attend much to such a trifling matter." 

Chancellor qf the Exchequer, — ** I will bring forward an early Budget. I 
will not leaye heayy bills for my successor to pay. I will do my best not to 
increase the Income-tax." 

Mr, Gladstone.—** 1 will contract my correspondence. I will shorten my 
speeches. I will take office with Lord Gr&AinTUUi and Lord HABXnreroN, if 
needfuL" ' 

Mr, Maekonochie and other Eitualists, — ** We will remember that we are 
Ministersof the Beformed Church of England. We will obey the law. We will 
not tout for Popery." 

Home-Rule M.P.^s.—** We wiU do all we can to stop agitation, and preyent 
lawlessness in Ireland. We will be good boys next Session." 

The City Companies. — ** We will not haye more than four great dinners a 
year. We will spend a million of money on Technical Education. We will unite 
with the Corporation of London in soliciting a Royal Commission of Liquiry." 

Proctors for Conrocafwm.— ** We wiU talk less. We will do more. Better, 
perhaps, than either— we will not meet at all." 

" George Eliot:'—** I will write another novel like The MiU on the Floes,'' 

Mr, Punch (doubtful whether it is not alia dream),—** I can't be better, but 
I 'U try to be as good as oyer." 


{From a Modem Point of View,) 

'^ As for larks, they are eyidently a doomed race. There are, 
it appears, some thousanda of people in this Metropolis, who, 
when oUier birds faU, or simply as a change, think nothing of 
putting a dozen larks in a disii. It is almost as bad as the five 
ttiousand nightingales' tongues served up on the table of the 
Roman Emperor.'^— Timet. 

Hail to thee, plump beauty I 

Meant thou neyer wert 
Just to sing ; thy duty 

Is to glad the heart 
Of gourmand and gourmet, and well thou play 'st thy part. 

Hiffher still, and higher 

Taste thy yalue raiseth ; 
Bon ffioanl high-flyer 
Nought thy price amazeth ; 
Fraifiing be pays for thee, and paying for thee praiseth. 

What thoB art who knows not P 

What is like to thee P 
From ruil and ree there flows not 
Gout more sweet to me. 
Snlpi, ortobftP Pooh-poohl Woodcock P Oh! fiddle- 

Like ambrosial yiand, 

Thee 'tis sweet to buy and 

O'er iktB gloating sit, 
WiHi keenest yearning faint for thee, thou sweet tit-bit I 

Sound of knife and fork, 

Or the chinking glass, 
Molars hard at work, 

All that oyer was 
MielodieuB to mine ears, thy singing doth surpass. 

Not for that it teUs 

Of the standing com, 
Or the hyacinth bdls ; 

But on it are borne 
Delights of toothsomeness bards only hold in soom. 

Bards are most absurd. 

Though esteemed diyine ; 
I haye neyer heard 

Praise of loye or wine 
So rapturous one-half as this my song on thine ! 

Chorus hymeneal 

Or erotic chaunt 
Matched with mine all 
Humbug, empty yaunt— 
Mere words in which the gourmet feels an aching want. 

What objects are the theme 

Of the delicious strain P 
What dishes seen in dream 

Of thee, or spiced or plain I 
What sayoury succulence I what yearning faint and fain j 

Done o'er charcoal flre, 

What more sweet can be P 
Art, Song, Loye may tire, 

But my taste for thee, 
Boast, or in crisp crousture, knows no satiety. 

As to discontent 

At thy being slain, — 
'Tis sick sentiment 

In fool's feeble brain. 
Dying to hh well dressed, who says thou diest in yain P 

Bards know not what they 're after ; 

They sing a deal of rot. 
Theme for a gourmand*s laughter, — 

Hang the wrangling lot I 
The sweetest songs are those that speak oiplat or poti 

Better than all measures 

Of mere tinkling sound. 
Are the toothsome treasures 

In thy substance found, 
Thon bird dfumet fine, of body plump and round I 

SajD^ I half the gladness 

That thou mak'st me know. 
Such gastronomic madness 

From my lips should flow. 
All mouths would water then as mine is watering now ! 


yoL. Lxxyin. 



[Jakuaby 17, 1880. 




Ws often hear tke Manohester School deoried nowadays; but 
still it may sometimes read London a lesson. 

Such a lesson Manohester has been reading: London in the matter 
of the opening on Sundays of more innooent and profitable resorts, 
ontside the pale of the Chnroh, than the publio-honse. 

Manohester has always shown the oonrage of her oonyictions. If 
some of them have been fairly chargeable with narrowness, others 
mar, with at least equal reason, be praised for breadth. 

To this latter class belongs the oonyiotion of some of the Com- 
mittee of the Ko;ral Manohester Institution, that the best way of 
tapping the Publio-house. would be to open the Picture Exhibition 
of the Institution on Sunday. 

Thenoint was mooted, oontested— shaiply and bitterly, probably, 
as such points are wont to be — but the Sunday-openers oarried 
it, and proceeded forthwith to " draw off," not the Sunday beer- 
barrels, but their customers. 

Punch is glad to note the result. 

In the eleren Sundays on which the Gallery of the Institution has 
been open, 51,678 persons haye yisited it, most of them of the class 

to whom the Public is the only ayailable Sunday recreation between 
two and five, hours during which Public-houses are open, and 
Churches dosed. 

The Institution was careful, by its choice of hours, to proclaim 
itself the riyal of the places of tipple, not the plaoes of worship. 

This great crowd &s poured into and through the Institution 
Galleries, without let or hindrance. A few yolunteers haye attended 
to assist in marshalling the multitude, and showing them the order of 
their going from room to room. But there has been no erection of 
barriers or reeying of ropes for the protection of the pictures. The 
marshals haye encountered no inciyility ; the pictures and frames 
haye sustained no damage. Two enthusiasts haye paid for the 
printing of some thousand extra catalogues, to be lent to these 
Sunday-Gallery yisitors, and returned by them on leaying the In- 
stitution. Scarcely a catalogue has been lost or detained. 

In a word, the experiment has been a coospicuous success. For 
the first time, we oelieye, a Pictnre-Gallery in a great densely- 
peopled manufacturing borough has been opened to ^' the masses " 
without payinent, tickets, or any other restriction or condition, 
more freely, in short, than the Public-house, into which none may 
enter impecunious. " ^ "^ ^3 — 

January 17, 1880. J 




Pat (afUranp). "An* whioh did ti put ik 9-ib8T»ths Waiskt ob thb "Wathib?" 

Domestic *<Thb Whisky, ay oooBn.'' 

PaL "Ah thin xaybb I'll bb oomikg to't byb-'n-btb I" 

Those who opposed the experiment haYe been, if not silenced, 
confuted. Those who proposed and adYooated it haYe been borne 
ont by the CYcnt. Many thousands from whom natore is shut out 
by their conditions of life and labour for ail but an infinitesimal 
portion of their existence—against whom the pioture-ffallery is 
barred on week days by i>ayment, or more formiaable stul, by the 
thin and chilling presenoe of the highly-select, well-dressed, but 
not dense respectability that pays— haYe had, at least, the oppor- 
tunity of catching some gHmpee of the beautiful, real or idetd— of 
being stirred and cheered a moment by Yisionsof bright sunlight and 
blue skies, of growing trees and grassy meadowi, of golden corn- 
fields and roUmg seas, if only on cauYas— of beinsr admitted to 
momentary communion with some life other than tneir own toil- 
some and unloYelY one, some brief glance into the historic past, or 
interesting or touching present reflected in the magic mirror of the 
Artist's imagination. 

Who can say what seed may thus be sown P At least, and lowest, 
there has been some momentary glamour thrown oYer surrounding 
ugliness^ and griminess. It m&j well be called a Sunday opening— 
an opening upon a loYclier ana brighter world than that of Man- 
chester streets and mills. If this Sunday opening had done no 
more, it would desenre to be blessed instead of banned. 

But we are bound to take into account not only the good the expe- 
riment ma^ haYC brought about, but the mischief it may haYe 
preYented in the way of drinking and waste, of idle or foul gossip 
and profitiess or degrading gregarieusnest. 

Fastidious folk may well haYe found this Sunday public Httie to 
their tasto. New " couches socialea " are not always pleasant to 
OYer-fine fingers and OYer-nice senses. The highly proper and 
highly cultiYated may cYen haYe nosed in this Sun&y '^^ Sura" some- 
thuig metaphorically, or OYen sensibly, disagreeable '' between the 
wind and their nobihty." But it was to catoh the coining fish that 
the proposers and promoters of this experiment cast their net. They 
at least, do not quarrel.with their take. 

When will London go a fishing of a Sunday with the same net 
in the same waters P 

Does the threat Metropolis mean to wait till liYerpNDOl and 
Birmingham. Leeds and Bradford, Burslem and Nottingham, 
Sheffield and Bristol, Kinffston - on - Hull and Newcastie - iipon - 
Tyne haYe followed the lead of Manohestor, and so to land last 
instead of first, in the Sunday race between Public -house and 
Picture-gallery P 


Jobs are always ugly— but not always— injurious^ Texoept in- 
directiy, to the public serYice. But this cannot be said of tne job 
just perpetrated in filling up the office of Registrar-General. The 
post has been giYen to a person who happens to be priYato secre- 
tary of one Member of the QoYemment and brother-in-law, as we 
are told, of another, but who is perf eotiy innocent of all practical 
knowledge of the Ycry peculiar skilled work of the office he has 
been pitohforked into. A Yaluable senrant of lon^ standing, who 
has borne for many years the responsibility and pnn<Bpal labour in 
connection with that office's most useful functions— those relating to 
the public health— and whose reputation in Hygiene and Yital 
statistics is European— has been passed oYer for the well-connected 
priYato secretary with the silYcr spoon in his mouth. 

The GoYomment, haYing the right man under their hand in 
Dr. Fabb. has gone farther and fared worse. 

The public has been wronjfed in the wrong done to Dr. Fabb, as 
well as the profession to which he belongs. 

We are glad to see that the Ck>unm of the Poor Law Medical 
Officers' Association haYe spoken out. Punch echoes their remon- 

Abthub Hblps used to iwy he had ncYer come across a job in all 
his long public service. What a pity he did not surriYe to these 
days. Me might have come across not only the jobs, but their 
makers, and watched them at the process. 

Why not write up ''Job-Master,'' in plain characters, in large 
letters, along the front of the Treasury Buudings, or oyer the official 
head-quarters in Downing Street P 



[January 17, 1880. 


Cmafieb III. 

A Plan — A J^ote^IUndtnce^'Supera'-Accomrnodaiwn — A Master — Quesium 
— No Answer — Suggestion — Portrait — Officers — Staff — Illustrations — 
Curriculum— Note— Lectures— Divisions — Hours— Furtner Suggestions, 

RkTUfB oonddered some of the benefits which would mostpossibly aooni« to 
the Uniyenity from the introduotioii into its midst of a Genuine Dramatio 
College, it wiU be adyisaMe to deyote our entire attention to the component 
parts of the College itself, understanding at the same time that some suah 
establishment as Girton CoImm is annexed to this new Academical body.* 

First, the plan of the b«il£ngs. 

Gnouin) Plan sugobstbd fob thi' Ctarxmrx BaiKATic Oollboi. 

A. Stage Boor- 
keeper'B (Porter's) 

A.A. Stage Door- 
keeper^s Inlitructioii 

B. Waitiiig-Rwm. 

C. TheQBftdr«Bgle 
—so kept with taa 
a^d Mwdust as to 
form a Cirous for 
oomb ning dramatis 
knowledge with 
equettrian exerdaa, 

as eyerr branch of the profeasbn should be taught witUn the walk of the Genuine 
Dramatio College. 

p. Archway and ISntranoe into the Stables. E. Stables. 

H. Chapel. 

V. Archway and Entrance into the Stables. E. Stables. 

F. Chariot-houses for antique rehicles, such as triumphal cars, Ac. 

6. Archway leading to Chapel Entrance. gg, Leotuie-rooms. 

i,iX Entranee to Collece stairoaees. 

J. OoUege rooms. Saoh window beint ▼«!! i& t recess and eurtahied, can be used as a 
piiy^ iMzfront, on the occasion of any CoU^ie iMtiyity, when Seenes in the Circus 
would take place out of doors. 

K. Senior Tutor's KKHns with bay windows. First Pleor. 

h S^^P^ ^ *^® Master of Thespian's Lodge. 

M.MJC. The Master's Besidenoe. 

m.m.m.m, Prirate doois. The Master's house ocoapies three iooit: no other residents. 

?• 5J**^?f? '^Pi? common room. 0. Fellows^ Entrance into Hall. 

P. The CollcM HaU. pp. Entrance into HaU. 

PKf* Second Entrance to Superb Table. Q. Kitohens, butteries, osUan, Ac. 

This is, of course, merely a ground-^pkuu 

All tiie basements wo^ be used for ordinary leeturea, aad special lectures 
wo^d be «yen in the Model School, Property and PainSsff Kooms, Library, 
RotareO^err (und» the superintfindence d Mr. QaMKAvBuBB, as a Gallery 
of Illustration). Machinery (below), and Wardrobe departments. 

The upper floors in the Quadrangle, the rooms benealh the Library, and in 
yanous other parts of the building, would afford accommodation lorflye hundred 
residents, mcluding Master, Fellows, Students, Supers^ and College seryants. 

* P'f^Msor Morlst's scheme, I see, commences with an idea of a building for his 
national i^ramatic School. If there is any castie in the air at present Tacant, the Professor 
aaay as well take it and fosniih it himself. In the meantime, the amiable Professor will 
do well to consider the plan put forward in these few ehapten. 

The '* Supers " would haye comfortable rooms oyer and 
about the stable portion of the building, their education 
and board being giyen them gratis, on condition of their 
seryiujBr in hall, assisting in all cirous and stage work, 
and signing a contract to send a certain per-c6nta«e 
of their annual eammffs, in whateyer engagements the 
Master of Thespian might make for them, during the first 
three years after their quitting the College. 

The great difficulty will be to name the first Master of 
Thespian. To start with, for the benefit of Art, and 
without obtrusiye self-assertion, I should certainly pro- 
pose But no : on second thoughts, I will allvw my 

readers ta gruess who it could possibly be. 

Shall it be a Crown appointment f 

Howeyer, a Master there must be of Thernan CoDe^, 
and, mind ye«, {he Master of Thespian is a fine sounduig 
title. Here is the pettrait as intended lor the HaU cS 
the fvhire CoUege. 


Thi First Mastbk of Thespian.* 
Presented to the OoUege by the Fellews and Students. 

Kow for the Officers of the College and the Tutorial 
staff. There must be two Tragedy Tutors, senior and 
Junior. Also two Comedy Tutors. .. The senior Tragedy 

Ths High Traobdt Tutob 
Imtrueiing in ^^ RamUtr 

* * This is not a likeness of Professor Moblsy. If the Pro- 
fessor started a building, would he call it Morley's Hotel for 
Dramatic Purposes P I confess that I am at present antagonistio 

January 17, 1880.] 



Tutor will take High Tragedy for his department ; the 
junior inll take Low Tr^^y. The first begins with 
Shakapeare, and stops at Melodrama ; the second takes 
Melodrama, and the tragedy of the Domestic Drama. 



Thb Low Traobdt Tvtok 
Jn hit Lecture Boom, giving lUusintH&m ofwM A$ mmnIL 

Eaeh Lecture Eoett will be supplied with ft MMUj^iit- 
f orm, a proscenium, with praetioftble eortain, ft taoM, a 
chair, a piano, soom Ii^-figarea, ft dressing-doMii slid 
the *' super " in attenasnoe will see that all Cm pro- 
perties neoessary for the Leeture, whatever it nu^ be, sre 
the^ te the moment 
Eyery Lecture will be thu§ snnounced : — 
Lecture-room doof open at 10. Lecture to eommmce 
at 10*30 precisely. No half-price. The Lecturer par- 
ticularly requests that you will be seated before he be^ns, 
and not leave until he has quUe finished^ as the interest of 
the Lecture commences with the first wcrds^ and lasts 
right up to the end. No fees. 


Private View of High-Tragedf Leetmer Ptspminy te give 
Instmetion to the Students. 

In the course of an hour's lecture, taking into con- 
sideration the incidental music on a mechanical piano 
fitted for the purpose [unless a player ot the instru- 
ment be present], and whatever change of scene may be 
requisite, there would be only time for a lecturer to 

to what aeems to be^rofesior Moklit's opposition scheme, bat, 
at the lame time, I say to the Professor, as the ** pugs" uwd to 
say to one another, iost to show there wai no ul-will, before 
they squared np for lighting, <* Tip us your mawley." 

give three or four illustrations at most in character, besideB calling upon some 
of his class for a recitation. 

The curriculum^ would take something of this form : — 

Lectures to commence at 10 punctually. Doors open 9*30. 

Lectures to continue at the convenience of the Professors until 1 p.m., when 
three hours' relaxation will be allowed till dinner at 4 p.m. precisely. 

This hour lor dining is to engender in the future prcnesaionais a habit of 
dining punctually at a convenient hour so as to enable them to feed well and 
rest well before entering on their labours. At 6*30, in aooordanoe with this 
obfeot, the evening classes will assemble, and what has been taught in the day 
wul be. practised. 

From 6*30 to 7*30. Lectures in making-up. For example : — 

In Lecture Boom A^ The students will ttake up for Madfeiht Samlet, 
Bhylock, Lear, fte. 

In Leehire Moom B, Thw; will make up fot 6ir Edward Mortimer in The 
Iron Chest.lM Grmdeff ia The Miller and Hie Men, te Black Will in The 
Smuggler, «##, Ae« 

In Lecture JUfom C. The Buiie-up will be Ittf JSomeo, Hotspur, Ferdinand, 
undj^nes premiere generaQy^ 

Thua, aswifibeseeBaift|tft«H)e, tiierearetMetuaUy wheektv^^ 
and each Leotitfe Boom is ft Theaitre within ft Theatre —a perfeoi littXe 0allery 
of Illustration withift itaetll« 

The Lecturers' costusMtf iBiuit be Ivhat are called '* iridc dressee,'' whidi means 
that by pulling a string, ef imdeing ahook in one place and a button in another, 
taking oare that both are in (lie right place, the dress of the High Tragedy 
Tutor can be immediately changed nom, say, Macbeth to Hamlet, or Hamlet to 
the King^ or the Xing to Horatw, or Horatio to Lear, or any of mm to Shylock, 
em necessitv may requiecf 

In Lecture Boom V, For jftLakspearian and other Comedy charaoters ; and 

In Lecture Boom JB, For Modem Gomedv. 

Lecture Boom Fi For Fafce onlv. HeretheProfeesorwill watch the youth- 
fftl aspirants for coirio laurels making up for j^od^or Cox, and f or ^Sipr^^ym^ in 
Id on parle Frangaii, fie will instruct them in their various lines. 

Lecture Boom O, Wot Buriesque making up, and Caricature. 

From 7*30 to 9. Ferformaaees by the Stodents in the Leeture Booms. At 
the end of this, the Frof eesors will fi|ive out what has to be specially prepared 
for the next morning's dase, «nd me CoUege gales will be cKoeed at 10 p.m. to 
a minute* 

InmynettlwillftltoBifllft uliow how some ttiedel Leetofei would probably 
be condiicted* 

In the meantime, some reverend member of the Church and Stage Guild— so 
many of whom appear, by their own aooount, to be so enchanted with ballet 
dancmg, and to feel themselves so morally improved by assisting at a Terpsi- 
chorean show— may be employed in teaching the CoryphSes at Curtain College. 

Thb Bishop and thb Ballst. 
An Beening at Home at Curiam CMlege. 

* In antioipation of inquiries from Messrs. SAKom sad Hmrount, '* eurrieubm " dees 
inohide Cirens bnainesi. 

t Beallf good Dramatic ''Entertainers," with a thorouffh kaowledge of the stase, and 
an extennye acquaintance with oortome, would be invalttiUne as Lecturers. A Yentnloquist 
should be a permanent appointment, as evidently he oonld giro a better idea of a Scene 
played by hau a dosen characters, on at the same moment, than any ordinary or oven 
extraordinary actor. Of oourse the Yentriloquial Professor would have to take a solemn 
oath to the highest authorities, and in the presence of the Yice-Chanoellor, not to play any 
praotioal jokes. 

FoETHCOimra Fuir.— A Collection of Scottish Proverbs. By Saw-ijet. 

- ^ip-,v<»-yaT ^.■.--^..■rv -^■^- n . ■arrym-.fft^.'.m^ mvi ^ 



[jAirtrARY 17, 1880. 


( W7u> thinks the Royal Academy ougJU to Ut him have a Moom all to himself.) 

Distinguished Amaieur (commendable for his Dinners^ his Pretty Daughters^ and his exquisitely-appointed Studio), *' Thulv t IT 'a BA8T 
KNOUGH TO Draw, my Fribnd ! I ktchbd that Study in Five MiyuTJsa /^bvt ths ' Biting-in* has taken ms Two Tears/ 
That ^s the Seventeenth State op the Plate /^* 

Our Artist {naturally anxious to tnake himself agreeable). ^'ExobllentI awfully oood 1 That Black Kitten pawino the Aib in 


Distinguished Amateur. "HearthruoI Grate I f Kitten!! I Why, that's a Windmill on a Heath, Man— against -Ajv 
EVENING 8Kr/*^ [Collapse of Our Artist ; collapse of Pretty Daughters! collapse of everybody excipt Distinguished Amaieur. 


Still Sisters— thongli one ricli, one poor ; 
One warmly-housed, one at the door ; 
Hostile in seeming, at the oore 
Sisters still I 

Let agitation, for its needs, 
Feed fat the hate on which it feeds ; 
It leaves us, spite of clashing creeds, 
Sisters still I 

Let demagogues, secure from harm, 
Urge with their trumpets fools to arm, 
We '11 rest, through he and false alarm. 
Sisters still I 

We hear no lawless olamourers loud, 
But Famine's victims, pale and howed. 
Crying, from 'neath the Western cloud, 
** Sisters still I" 

We from our poor will spare for thine. 
Nor sift desert through sieye too fine ; 
Let haters howl and higots whine- 
Sisters still I 

New Seitino op an Old Saw {by a Netoly-marrted Man) 
Englishman's house is his wife's castle I 

,— An 


The Wash, Long Beach. 

Look here, Mr. Punchy I am only a plain rowing-man myself, and 
I don't know anythinff about the ** Man of the Cayems " or the other 
chap of the *' river drift " that Professor Dawkins has been lecturing 
about at the London Institution; but I '11 tell you what I do know, 
and that 's this — *' Countless ag;es" or not, the Thames isn't changed. 
Not a bit. Sir. Look here. This is what the Professor says : — 

'' In the rivers were otters and beavers ; and the explorer would be startled 
by the raorC of the hippopotamos in the reaches of the Thames near 

The snort of the hippopotamus, indeed, in the reaches near Brent- 
ford I I should like to know whether that can touch another snort — 
one that 's to be heard not only at Brentford, but wherever a blessed 
reach of any kind is to be found on the river ! What I mean, Mr. 
Punch, is the snort of those beastly steam-launches. And as soon 
as the boatmg begins, they 11 begin too. 

Talk to me of the '* Cave Man " and the primseval snorters I What 
are they to the modem ones that worry and swamp the man who may 
swear, but h^ ^o Cavb nr. 

English Opera and Opera in English. 

The one thing we shall not see at Mr. Cabl Rosa's English Opera 
House is English Opera. The enterprise, like its Rosa, by any other 
name would smell as sweet. At the same time. Punch wishes all 
success to Mr. Rosa's Operas in English. May our Rosa knowjio 
thorns the whole season through. "^ " "' O 


'M/y »t 





Digitized by 


January 17, 1880. J 




On Coveni Garden Pantonums—The Or ecian— Sadler's WeUs^ 
And the Prince of WaMe. 

Cloak rod 

Fob good old-faahioned Pantomime masks^ for effeoiaye and 
brilliant costumes, for fforgeons spectacle, for rapidly yaryiiig 
Transformationa. graoefol forms, pretty faces, and wdH-arrange^ 
music, commend me to the Covent Garden Pantomime of iS^- 
lad the Sailor. Thank goodness, it commences with a Dark 
Scene. Here are spiders, and beetles, and crawling things, goremed 
by some Spirit of Eril. The Prince of Darkness is a (Gentleman; 
but this one is a Ladv, Miss Aioqe Stuabt, and a decidedly hand- 
some Lady, too, who lor some reason has a spite against Sindoadfkjid 
gives her orders for his destruction — at feast, so I belieye, £rom 
what I could gather of her imperiously quick deliyery ; and, if I am 
mistaken, I numbly beg that Spirit of £yil'8 pardon. Sindbad, 
howeyer, finds a protector— at least I think so— but again I may be 
wrong ; for it doesn't seem a bit like the story of Sindbad, mth 
which I was familiar lon^. long t^—mais nous avone chanqS tout cela 
—in the person of Cuptd^ the God of Loye, who suddenly appears 
out of a most ingeniously-oontriyed bed of roses. Now if Cuptd, or 
any other heathen deily. oyer hadlanything whateyer to do with 
the Sindbad ci our childhood, may I be rmden to the death by 
Old Men of the Sea, and taken up in the air by the Chreat Roc I 
Miss Masie Wiluahb, whose destiny at present seems to be to play 
Ciimci— forshe oommenced in this character at the B^alty— capers, 
and sings as the God of Loye, with any amount of me and ** go.*' 

SmdSad and others start off by Mat, which being Btni& by 
lightning, goes to the bottom. 

En passant, the masks made by, I 8U]gpo86, Messrs. Lashabt and 
BxTBDiTT, for Wind, Thunder, and Lightning, are capital, — and 
indeed this remark applies to all the masks in the Pantomime. And 
what is a Pantomime without masks, and the good old stoHd, goggle- 
eye'd bi^ heads ? so patient, so philosophic, so unoomplaininff in the 
most trying circumstance I "We can better spare slim legs tnan big 
heads in a Pantomime. J. has les Lions Cotniques! 2 has Us Chansons 
des SdUes Mmicales! Mais invent les Tetes ffigantesques et gro- 
tesaues ! This should be the cry of the Salyation Pantomime Army 
—that is, if Pantomime is to be sayed :— 

And shall old Pant'mime die ? 

And shall old Pant'mime die P 
Then fifteen thousand Big Head Men 

Will know the reason why ! 

What an awful force for the storming of Drury Lane and Coyent 
Gbtfden! What a sight from the Era office at the comer of Welling- 
toB Street I How telegrams would be despatched from the scene of 
war to the Gbrrick Club eyery two minutes I and with what neryous 
anxiety would the members of that estabUshment await tlM arriyal 
01 the messengers ! 

Where are we nowP At the bottom of the sea, where the fish 
are beautiful, specially the starfish. Here, the yictims are brought 
to life ajrain by Oipirf— (hang Cupid as haying anything to do with 
^md&flkf /)--and, to the disgust of the Wicked Spirit, are all sent up 
again in a diying-bell. In this Scene the ballet is yery pretty. Then 
were is afajr comic business seene between two of the eemic singera, 
Mr. AsTHTTB Williams and Mr. Hiobbebt Campbell, and a first- 
rate monkey, oonyulsiyely played by Master C. Laubi. Mr. Mac- 
lOBMoiT, the well-known musie-hall comic yoealist, sang **a new 
patriotic song," but his one catch line. ** Do you know I could sum- 
m<tes jou for that?" rather palled on me after the fifteenth 

Miss Akitie Ross, as ZeUka, does yery little, but does it remark- 
ably well, and has the oleyemess to look as though she could do 
a great deal more. Miss PAinrni Lsslib as Sindbad is to be oon- 
gratulated on the maryellous ability rile possesses of stamping out, 
^« J 1 J ^1.- J . ^__^ .n .xt. j.^. burden — 

way, the 

Gfolden Corn,^* goes capitally, as does' also ^^Lwis Qarden^^ by 
the same Hbrettist and composer. 

As Hafiz, Miss Emilt Duitcan— ** Hear it not, Duitcan, for 

His " no compliment, l)ut (he tnttli— loolsed as handsome ns— as 

—aft nsual, and Ali and Ahed (good names these) looked and danced 
charminglj'. But Mr, HABHii (CeARLEa of that family) 1 O Mr. 
Alfred Thompson! Auguote & Co* ! CO Messrs. Gatti ! ye 
Illuminator 9 f Defhiss k Co.» of Houadsdifcch ! ye Joweilers of 
parish, LiBLANC A5» OHAJTGEit, and CiiATRiES Fhilups» Jeweller of 
England !— what shall I aaj of the Diamond TaUey ? Brin^ me my 
dictionariea, bring me epithet a of praise, bring me aeftcriptions of the 
most brilliant spectacles, bring- me several rtviss of «upeTktiye super- 
latives, and then, if I pile *ein all up, amid a trumpet- flourish or the 
loudeat notes of admiration ^ 1 cannot do mofe than crown the edifice 
of Scene 8 with a banner bearing- the words Suc^is Magnifique, 
Cotffgfuil, Pt/Tfimidai ! 

And n^>w for tLt Cumic Sof-nea. Mr. IlAitkT PjfcTirB ii, as far as I 
hare yet seen, the only Gown we 'ye ffot with real fan in him. And 
howeyer realistio we may beoome on tne sta^e, there ia one real thingr 
wantinff in all oar Pantomimea, and that is real faft. Mr. Fayks 
has nsea his intelligenoe, and the result is some mixdne clowning,— 
some Ibearty, sly, wioked, konumms, sausaffe^nkUzigr, authonty- 
defying, pantaloon-deoetringr gowning. And ihat% are tricks : not 
stupid, dnlL meaningless siairs that neyer eeme to anythinff, 
exoept as adyertisementa, and induce yawning, bnt tricks which 
are in thems^yes examples of simple meenanism ai^Ued to practical 

Willingly'would most of iM MPtire some of the earlier portion of 
onr now teoionsly qmn-oat Paa&idttetf for the salM of a few reaUy 

K>d. genuinely funny and iioyel soenea between Chwn, Pantaloon, 

^arleqidn^ ana Columbine, aad sneh neoessary extras as the Police- 
man tlw Swell, and the Little Boy (he's a good little chap, at 
GoFyeni €htfden), who takes in Mr, Clown, Siirely, sorely daring 
the year before the end of Angast Mr. Patitb can haye strong 
together a series of Scenes, not lasting more than a qnarter of an 
hoar, each fall of practical jokes, and mechanical tncks, always 

Serformed (as he oontriyes now) by the aid of JBCarleauin^s wnjid, all 
one in the coarse of the legitimate story of the Loyes of Marie- 
outfi and Columbine daring the time of probation on this wicked 
Pantomime Earth. 

If the opening be some old familiar fairy tale, let it be clearly 
told. Then, after a brilliant Transformation .Soene, let the char- 
acters of the opening change their oostnmes, as they ased to do, 
and actnally beeome the four pmcipals of the Harleqoinade. By 
the way, at Coyent Garden, thank goodness^ there is not a doable 
set of Pantomimists^ bat, for all that, Marlegmn is represented as an 
unprincipled bigamist, with two Columbines, 

'he most grotesque and amusing of all the Pantomimes I haye yet 
teem, is JRokoko, at the Royal Grecian. Mr. Gbobgb Con^vbbl is 
maryellous as the Eoek ISend, funny as Xing Turnip, and more 
maryellouB than oyer as the weird and snarled old Tree. The soene 
where he and his son pursue the flying Paiiy is watched with breath- 
less interest, and the trio are reoalled by the heartiest applause, and 
greeted with chews when they reappear, fagged and tirod by their 
wmrk but n<me thew<Hrse for wear. So much for the wonders of 
JRokoko, The dramatic interest is kept up byMr. GEones Covqubst 
as the Magician, in a thoroughly Kobsonian-xellow-Dwarfian spirit, 
while the burlesque aoting of lir. Ha&rt Nicholls, Mr. Habby 
Mqukhousb, and Mr. HmrBX Pabjob, is, in a broadly humorous 
way, as good as anything I 'ye seen in this particular Ime for some 
considerable time. The topical duett between Messrs. Kicholls 
and MoNXHOuax tells immensely, and their 'scene where they bur- 
lesque the '* D. T." situation in Dritik is first-rate. Miss Mabie 
LoFTUS is a showy Prince, Miss Lilian Adaib a nice little Prin- 
cess, and Miss Mnmix Such a sprightly JTtn^ Moih, Mr. Gbobob 
GoK<iU£ffE is to be oongratukted on nis ^Pantomime,— or, rather, on 
his Burlesque-Extrayaganza, and its admirable enionents. 

At Sadler's Wells Mrs. Baxxmajt giyes us The JForty Thieves, and 
the Harlequinade having reoeiyed the attention of Mr. Gbobob 
BniiHAM-Tityled in the bui '* The Modem Grimaldi "—is exception- 
ally amusing, pa^^rolarly the third soene, *' The Shadow Panto- 
mime," whion wiU delight erowda of youngsters, for whose special 
behoof there is a morning performanoe eyery Wednesday and 
Saturday until farther notice. 

I cannot well imagine a better performanoe on any stage than that 
of the Second Aot of Ours at uie Prince of Wsles's. I cannot 
see a fault in it as far as the actors are [oonoemed; though 
how su«li a foroed and awkward eontriyanee as that of making 
Hugh Chalcot throw open the folding-doors for no ostensible pur- 



[Januakt 17, 18S0. 


Towig Farmer, "Nick wabx Rinr— bbino things out o' thb Gbousd, 
woh't it?" 

£epr*h&nsibU Old Widower, '<DoN'r MBMnoK IT I I 'vk got two Wiyes 



Mb. PuircH is writing on the Fortieth Anniyersary of 
the introdnotion of Penny Postage. 

*^ In the year which immediately preceded its introduction, 
the total number of postal delireries in the United Kingdom 
was 82,663,000. Last year the number reached the vast total 
of 1,536,790,000, or an increase of about eighteenfold." 

if Let our readers consider all that this implies— of transac- 
tions facilitated, hosiness aniokened, anxieties lightened, 
ideas exchanged, cords of Ioto drawn closer, all over.the 

BowLAin) Hill nerer had his official dne, though the 
respect and reverence of his countrymen shed on his latter 
days the light which official prejudice and narrowness 
did all they could to exclude from nis earlier years. 

Subscriptions are now being raised for a Memorial to 
the man to whom England owes this great hoon. 

Sir F. W. Truscott, Lord Mayor, as active promoter 
of this Memorial, writes to urge the appeal, and Punch 
is glad to echo his urging,— 

*' Sir Rowland Hill has recently died, and a grateful nation 
has accorded him burial in its greatest historical shrine— West- 
minster Abbey. But such gratitude, it has been thoueht, should 
not stop here, and some laranr Memorial in a beneficent shape 
should, it is considered^ markthe public sense of Sir Bowland^s 
rast work. The Mansion House Committee, in whose name and 
at whose request I am writing, feel that tuis object can most 
usefully be achieved by the foundation of a Benerolent Fund for 
the succour of aged and distressed Post Office employii through- 
out the Kinrdom and their widows and orphans. In proof of the 
necessity of such a ftind, I may mention a few facts which may 
not be generally known.*' 

Only let the recognition of Rowland Hill's good 
work be as wide as its benefit; only let everyone 
in the kingdom lay his one stamp on the grave of him 
to whom tney owe that stamp and all its conveniences, 
and the Lobd Mayor teUs us £130,000 would be realised 
for an object, good in itself, and a tribute to the good 
work of a good man. 

It will be sad, as strange, if such an appeal do not 
receive an answer as world-wide as the blessing of 
RowLAin) Hill*8 own fruitful and beneficent reform. 

Thi Futubb of Italt.— In assuming the denomina- 
tion of ItaUa Irredenta^ the Italian Nationalists enable 
their clerical adversaries to ask:— Where does unre- 
deemed Italy expect to go to P 

pose except to show a sort of theatrical wax-work tableau of Angus 
MaeAlieter listening to Blanche HayeU performance on the ^iano^ 
to which she must fiterally have rushed after her farewell with Sir 
Alexander on the landing— could, have been allowed to stand the 
test of Bancroftian rehearsals, surpasses my generally gigantic 
comprehension. But Ours was produced before the days of scientific 
rehearsal, and Toic Robbrtsok was bold in actors' expedients, and 
knew how to carry his audience with a amp de thSdtre^ which would 
serve the purpose for the moment, but would not bear reflection. 
However, he gained his effect, and this is all he wanted. 

Exceptinjg this Second Act, which is admirably dramatio^though 
so much being left to the Actors, what would be its fate in second-rate 
hands P— the piece, as a whole, is ill-constructed, the situations 
forced and unnatural, the quartettes of dialogue strained, and much 
that with further consideration might have been elevated into the 
region of pure comedy, has been brought down to the level of mere 

On retiring from the Prince of Wales's, and becoming lessees of 
the Haymarket^ it is proposed to present the Bahcbofis with a 
public testimonial. 

The best public testimonial to Mr. and Mrs. Baitobgpt, on be- 
coming lessees of the Haymarket| will be a continuation, in their 
new establishment, of the appreciative patronage bestowed upon 
them^ in their old one. Testimonials in this electro-plated and 
gushing a^ are too common to be of much value. The proceeds of 
the first night's performance at the Haymarket are to be given to 
the widow of the late Mr. Buckstokb. That the name of the 
Bulwer-Lyttonian Comedj Money, which inaugurates their new 
management may be a fair omen ot future prosperity is the honest 


P.S.— In my notice of the Alhambra last week I find I attributed 
to Signer BucALoesi much that sho^d have been set down to M. 
Jacobi, who has composed the music of the three baUets lor Batho- 


A bbplobablb want of breadth and strength in the construction of 
Tay Bridge seems, in the best of judgments yet expressed, likely to be 
found at the bottom of the terrible calamity that has so lately turned 
all Englii^ eyes and hearts sadly and sympathetically towards Dun- 
dee and its shattered viaduct. But of the material aspect of the 
disaster Mr. Punch has nothing to say. That is for scientific and 
practical experts, official or non-official. 

What Mr. Punch has to say concerns not the want of breadth or 
solidi^ in the piers of the Tay Bridge, but the narrowness and 
weakness of the bigotry with which the disaster has been " improved," 
on the ground that the train it befel was travelling on a Sunday. 
Such comments, happily, have been confined, it is to be hoped, to a 
very small section of ^e Kirk, Established or Free. One of these 
sdLi-sufficient judges of judgments, and complacent dealers out of 
denunciations, converting the awful catastrophe triumphanUy to 
the account of his own bliusk and bitter creed— in which the Almighty 
figures as a sort of Ashantee Fetish, to be propitiated by death and 
destruction— has no hesitation in putting his finger on its immediate 
cause. Referring to the imprisoned passengers— men, wom^i, and 
little children— many of them known to have been on their way to 
or from errands of friendship, mercy, and family affection— he asks 
whether it was not ** awful to think'' that— 

** They had been carried away when many of them must have known that 
they were transgrbssing the law of God." 

It might do this gentleman some good to refieot that it is possible 
to be ** carried away" in another fiuliion, and to transgress a great 
law of God—** Judge not that] ye be not judged" in a more ques- 
tionable manner. ^ see the professing minister of a religion, of whose 
virtues one of its leading Apostles has declared charity the freatesL 
swept off his narrow line of literal sectariamsm in a hurricane of 
bitter biootry, is suggMtive of refiections which, if not exactly 
" awful,'*^ are neither agreeable nor edifying. 

January 17, 1880.] 





(At Mrs, Lyon Hunter's,) 

Lion No, 1 {timidly), '*!— A— TBIKK I BAD TBI PLBASrBE OF MSSTINO TOV 

AT Sir Goroius MiDAs'f, at Dinner, last wsxkT" 

Lion No, 2, " Ah— I disbat. I 'm vbbt bad at BSooLLXonNG Paceb.'* 
Lion No, 1 {unth pardonable pride), "Mr Name is Randolph Bonamt 


Lion No. 2. ^'Ab— indeed 1 I 'vs A wbetobxd memory for Names I" 
IN.B, — Lion No, 2 is no less a person than J, Bobinson, who is said to have 
penetrated twenty -thru miles further info the interior of Australia than any 
other man,, and has got to believe that he is the Original Discoverer of that 

Disgust and laok of spaoe oombine to out short Punches comment on this, the 
saddest sequel of a most sad catastrophe. He will only quote one last lurid 
flash of presumption from a Dundee pulpit :— 

" If there was one roioe louder than others in this terrible erent it was that of God, 
determined to ^ard his Sabbath with jealous care." 

Mr, Punch can scarcelY call attention with i>atience to profanity like this. 

To say nothing of the fact that the Sabhath is an exdusiyely Jewish institu- 
tion, as differBiit in date as in spirit from the Christian's first day of the week, 
thejtplrit of this sentence is As sayagely Jewish as the name it misapplies. 

When Scotch or English beffin to take in the fact, that the stem and sour 
sanctity of the day they have been wont to hear so miscalled by the free school 
of denunciatory diyinee, needs a '* jealous g^uardianship " by such means as 
this, its days are surely numbered. Mr, Punch need hardly say that he, for 
one, will be happy to count them ; feeUng conrinced that the time when such a 
'* Sabbath " as this is known no more among men will be a good time for Qiristian 
charity as for the happiness of human-kind. 

Kartyrs and Others. 

A PETITION 18 said to have been lately presented to the Pope by the " Catholic 
Union of Great Britain," praying for the " canonisation of the English Martyrs," 
in the reijm of Henby THE EioBTH and one hundred and fifty years after. What 
inll His Holiness say to this P Lumen in Coelo, as an enlig&tened Pontiff, could 
of course distinguish Sir Thomas Mobb from Guy Fawkes. but might hesitate 
in some less well-marked cases to draw the line between snnerers for conscience 
sake, and for politics. Perhaps, therefore, the best reply of His Holiness to the 
request of his petitioners will be Non possumus. 


{Being a Protest from a Plain Person against the Abuse 
of Epigram,) » 

TouB epigram, doubtless, is all yerr fineu 

But I fancy 'tis often more dazzle than shine ; 

And to boobies who flounder in Sophistry's bog, 

A Will o' the Wisp may inroye worse than a fog. 

Yet let Wit haye its oue ; dose-packed truth plus a 

Makes a finger-post fair for a world out of joint ; 
And portable wisdom like pemmican food 
Is remarkably handy— so long as it 's good. 
But, alas ! for Wit's work, when its cunningest phrases 
Are ciaught by the Parrots I Of all modem crazes 
The craze for mere catchwords is sure the most teasing ; 
When, dinned in our ears with persistence unplearing, 
They fall on the soul with as ghastly a shock. 
As the ten-thousandth grinding of '* Orandfathei^s 

A plaeue on all Parrots I With Dicnars I 'd say. ^ 
They 're more mischieyous fowls than your right birds 

of prey; 
The latter, perhaps, one may hope to escuie, 
BVit your ^uine Parrot wears Protean sha]^ 
Whose ubiauitous presence no man may ayoid. 
Mr, Puncn^ for long months I 'ye been irked and 

By a yile pieoe of parrotry, scarce food for laughter— 
•• An Englishman flrst, and a Party ^man after ! / " 
I declare, Sir, that phrase, none too sage at the best, 
Has ruffled my temper ana broken my rest, 
Till, like some absurd piece of Pinafore patter, 
The sound of it drives me as mad as a hatter. 
'Tis a yile phrase-of-all-work to coyer gross greeds, 
To excuse sheer assumptions and mask dirty deeds— 
'Tis a jibe ever handy to hurl at the wretch 
Who 's unable the big name of ** Briton " to stretch 
Till it 's found co-extensiye with ethics' whole code — 
Which, if Jean manage, dear Punchy I '11 be blowed. 
An Englishman ^Vs^,— that 's the tine quB non 
That the Parrots ne'er tire of insJating upon. 
A n Englishman first, — ^when the name, in their mouth, 
Means as selfish a doff as east, west, north, or south. 
You are likely to find— which, 'tis bluntly avowed 
Is a thought to make all true- olue patriots proud. 
An Englishman first^— q/Jfer which,— if you can^— 
You may be just and honest— in fact be a man ; 
Nay, you're free e'en to yield an allegiance hearty 
To conscience-held daims though they're ticketed 

Now Vm blunt, my dear Punchy and make bold to 

That I don't care one snap for "An Englishman's" 

name, — 
Kay, hold it the veriest badffe of disgrace, — 
When it covers iqjustice and false pnde of race. 
I will also avow, though wild patriots shriek. 
That the ends which by means of my " party " I seek. 
Are the ends I hold English and honest, and therefore 
Those alone I— as Briton or party-man— care for. 
For me, who 'd stand square, fair, to neither term 

The hackneyed antithesis scarce has a meaning : 
The phrase has its uses^ut parrotdom's glosses 
Have made it a pest. Wit an epigram tosses 
From the ton^e, which the sinister sophist will snap, 
And use as his cunningest spedes of trap. 
For me, if the formula must be maintained. 
And if aught by its shape antithetical's gained, 
I would boldly proclaim— spite of lash or of laughter,— 
I 'm honest man first and an Englishman after I 

MaWng One's Kouth Water. 

The Times has been publishing some interesting statis- 
tics by Dr. Eeyer, in an Australian mininf journal, on 
the subiect of " Straits tin," which has its deposit in the 
Banca Islands. All this is very interesting. J ohk Bull 
knows little of tin in the Straits, but he knows a great 
deal too much of straits in the Tin. If he could haye in- 
formation how to get out of the Straits and into the Tin 
he would be much obliged to Dr. Reybb. How he would 
epjoy a run on the Banca Islands, with liberty unlimited 
to draw on their depositsi 



[Januabt 17, 188a 


ANABBOW, red-oovered 
dispatoh-box, lettered 
"Ji. if. Treasurt/— 
Confidential'* has lately 
been left at 85, Fleet Street, 
Mr, Punch presameB, by 
mistake, contaming the fol- 
lowing: correspondence, 
which he publishes. Names 
and addresses are sup- 
pressed, forobyions reasons, 
as the writers may wish to 
reclaim their letters: and 
this IB his only wav of oom- 
mmiication with tnem :-*- 

Mt dbab Eabl op Bba- 


You may remember 

that at our last meeting, 

when jGO, were kind enouffh 

to address us collectiyely 

and separately, yon said jp\i 

would be happy to reoeiye 

our suggestions tor the Royal 

speedu It may be that you 

cud not address your re- 

markspersonally to me ; but 

that there may not be the 

shadow of an exouse for a 

mistake, allow me to remind 

you of the agreement made 

etween us upon my accepting the F. 0. Ton have, I presume, 

e^uested Lord Gbaitbbook to submit any Indian paragraphs he may 

hink of suggesting to me for rerision, as per agreement. 

With kind regards to Mr. Cobbt, I remain. 

Tours, most sincerely, 


Beab Lobb Beacoksfixli). 

Of course I would only be too happy to obey a Chief to whom 
owe BO much. As I haye already told you, I like the Rous^ of Lords 
'ery much. The occasions for eneotive speaking are not frequent, it 
3 true ; but the position is dignified, and its repose agreeable. I 
^ish I could say as much of the Office. But really the Marquis is 
yery arbitrary. Besides, I cannot sit down for fiye minutes of 
uietwork, but I am sure to be interrupted by some suggestion, 
lastily knocked off, and telegraphed to me oy that self -satisfied bore 
jTTTOir. Excuse me if the word is not Parliamentary, I haye 
Iways felt that poets are not the stuff out of which to make Yice- 
oys. ' Howeyer, I wish to do my best. 

Gratefully yours, 


P.S.— The Marquis has just sent round to say that it is your wish 
hat I should submit to mm any Indian paragn^h I may suggest I 

should be glad to know in plain terms— haye I succeedea that 
loble Lord at the India Office or haye I not P Extremely sorry to 
laye to put such a question to one to whom I owe so much, but there 
re oases in which eyen a worm will turn. 

Mt Deab Lobb, 

I SHALL be most happy to attend to your -esteemed fayour. 
think my paragraph will be something about the Boyal Marine 
Lrtillery, and the new breaoh-loading arraagements. I haye giyen 
ay undiyid^d attention to this important subject ixa the last six 
I really don't think the Pafflfatf articles worthaaswering. They 
TC always crumbling at something, and I fancy they haye been suf- 
ering in .their circulation. If so, it may account for their bad 
With the kindest remembrances from all the other Lords. 
Belieye my dear Lord, yours most respectfully, 


F.8. — ^I should like to haye made a sarcastic allusbn to Dr. Abthub 
iuLLxyiK, Sir Josbph Fobtib, and H,M,8, Pinafore : but some of 
he sea Lords think that such a course would be undignified. As they 
:now a rreat deal more about the feeling of the Seryioe than I can be 
ixpected to do, I haye no doubt tiiey are right, and so haye ayoided 
iny such ref«reaoe of the kind, though I think I could haye giyen it 
o those impertinent Gaiety fellows hot and strong. 


Mt Deab Lobb Bbaooksfibld, 

I All doing my utmost to carry out your suggestion.** I 
imagine my paragraph will have the effect of a complimentary allu- 
sion to the London School Board. I am afraid DiLLwnr has spoilt 
that notion about the Lunacy Laws. Bidiculum ticri FortOie et me- 
litu magnoi pierumque secat res ! Yours most truly, 


F.S.^I hav* sent to the Attobvet-Gbnebal, but in aletter signed 
*' Jach," he tells me " he has no time to attend to priyate business I " 

Mt Deab Lobb BEAcoifSFiELD, 

I HATE spoken to the Duke, tad he is under the impression 
that % Beadf-tomed paragraph, ts Che effect that **The British 
Army eaa, aught, would, should^ sjui ought to ga anywhere and to 
do evisiytbi&g, is the sort of artide you want from Pall Mall. 

Ceiant tirma toga / As I am more up Marti ouam Mereurio, pray 
put it in your own words. If my brot&r were here, I haye no doubt 
lie would wish to be renemberea to you. 

Tours truly, (Signed . 

P-S.-*! did think of saying something about ** the Army Eesenre 
Officers," but since the Mheme has been pigeonholed most of the 
candidates lor commissions haye grown too eld to qualify. By the 
way, mu$t Sir Gabbbt be sent to India P Our feUows don't like it a 
bit I Tkmm * * buckstioks '' are really coning it too strong I 


Mt ybbt Dbab Lobd Beacobsfibus, 

£yer since my littie speech about the Licensed Victuallers 
at Exeter, and my Penny Beadings at Pynes, I haye been hard at 
woik upon the Budget. It is really no joke this time. I am afraid, 
unless i stick to it night tnd day, and allow nothing to distract me, 
I shall not be able to make eyen a deomt job of it by Easter. 

On the whole, I think the less said in the Speech about Finance 
the better. Yours, in great haste, 

(Signed) . 

P.S. — ^We really can't go on letting deAdts accumulate a<^ tf^nthim ; 
and I am afraid tke people ont-of-doors are getting tired of we *' dot 
and carry one '' system. 

By the way, don't you think it might be well to haye, say, half a 
miUion copies of my refutation of GFLABSioifE's figures printed by 
the Queeirs Printers, and circulated gratis among our own people P 
Would this be a fair appropriation of the S. S. M. r 

SchooU and School-Maaters. 

*' Professor Horlbt and his Mends haye determined to make a practical 
start of a Dramatic School. Premises have been engaged in Regent Street, 
and Mr. Chablbs Habcoubt appointed Secretary/ *—iVnr«0/M0 Da^. 

Stabt a Dramatic School P 'Tis well. 
"We Ve waited for it a long spell — 

Feros moUire mores. 
Then, Mobley, think not Punch is rude, 
If one graye Question he intrude, — 

" Doceoit quis Doctores f " 

Following Suit. 

It is announced that " the Bishop of LoNBoir has si^ed letters of 
request to the Dean of Arches Coiurt of Canterbury, in a freeh suit 
affainst the Bey. A. fl. Mackobochib, Incumbent of St. Alban's, 
Holbom." Mr. Magkoboghib, on the one hand, persists in the 
wearing forbidden yestmen ts. and the Bishop of Lobbob, on the 
other, orders another suit. When will the suits finally preyail oyer 
the y eetments P 

ICaOeus ICalefiEkotoram. 

(Oft the appointment of J, S. Mavlb, Q.O., as Director ofPuhlie Proseouticns,) 

Lobd Gaibbs decrees that Q.C. Maulb, 
Our crime to Themis' Bar shall haul, 

And smite it hip and thigh ; 
GK> on, my Maxtle, deserye thy name, 
'* Hammer and tongs " on felons' game 

Come down, till crushed it lie I 


Mb. Chabsbblaib, in his speech at Birmingham the other day. 
compared the Ministerial misfortunes to the numbers of serial 
stones, each of which ends always—" to be continued in our next " I 
Let us hope the Ministry may not be like its misfortunes—'* con- 
tinued in our next" — ue,^ in 1881. 


' To Oo aaMfoaBom — n< JBtor don net kM MmmVbowtd to mekn9 wl idat, rttum, or pmiffor OmlrjtMltwM. M w aatt om fkm bt nh tmo d wdm e onw i^ m it i h§ a 

Januaby 24, 1880.] 




O^BHlly (in IA« TwU of a political discumfm)* *-Tm FXpT i«, Uq^^ All tou 

Gkrmans abb pBiaa^ biqulak Pmiq8I^^ 

Eerr MUller. " Ja wohl 1 all vb Chxbmaks Abi Bujoju^ »xoulA|1 Brioks/ " 

G*Reilly. "I said Prios^ Sob&— iroT BRicxaJ^* 

Herr MUller. ** I haf bibs, my Ybiwt | You uio BMKKa, ov ooitbsb— 

NOT pRiaa.^' 

0*IUilly, ^* PRToSf SoBB I Pia-HXAsxDy ooinu>-9iABTip Prigs/ " 
Herr Mailer, ** Ja wohl t Big-hbadbd, gold-bbabtbp J^moKS/** 
O'Heilly. " Ah ! obt out wid yb ! Yb 'bb ?ast PuATUfQ fOB I *' 
ff err MUller, **Zbn vy do you go ovJBtUTiNO, ait VBJiUTt" 
\^Exit C/Jieilly foaming at the mo%aK ^trr Wilier ehuckUefor the r4$t of the day. 


Ebievd Punch, 

Wb are told abont three hundred timefl a year that we oooupy the 
centre of the finest site in Europe. This may or may not be. As onr look-ont is 
bounded by the National Gallery on the north, Northumberland Ayenue on the 
south, Mobley's Hotel on the east, and the Union Club on the west, and we 
cannot change our point of view, we haye no sufficient means of yerifying this 
yery current, but not self-eyident, statement. But one thinjar we do know. The 
finest site in Europe, as far as we can see it, is one of the dirtiest and dreariest 
sights in London. Strings of omnibuses, east and west, north and south, halt 
within earshot of us, to take up and set down. I wish you oould only hear 
them taking up the subject and setting down Trafalgar Square I 

Please, Punch, do us poor lions one more good turn. You haye got us a 
few trees planted, though, it must be owned, that like the workhouse girFs 
baby, **they are yery little ones." Some day you may get our street-names 
painted on the street-lamps. But as toe don't go out to dinner, that won't be 
BO much a comfort to us as to more moyeable f easters. But we lions haye big 
appetites ; acknowledging all we owe you, like Oliver Twisty we yenture to 
ask for more. 

Can't you do anything for our fountains P You used to peg away at them in 
the old days, and I daresay flattered yourself you had purified as well as 
increased tneir water supply, while blackening their jets week after week. Not 
a bit of it. There maj be an Artesian well still in tap, but I belieye the under- 
ground oonneotion with the Saint Martin's wash-houses is as actiye as oyer. 
Analyse our waters— for quantity and quality— by your own observation. Sir— ; 
more trustworthy than any chemical anidysis by a long chalk. What do 
you find ? First— for colour. How do you account for the oilious greenish hue 

obseryable in the water, except on the theory of too close 
a connection with the yellow soap of Saint Martin's ? 

Then look at the steam that hangs oyer those basins in 
wet weather. What, does that suggest so obyiously as 
the laundry P 

Again, there are the statues— our noble selyes always 
excepted— including the Admiral, whom we can still look 
up to, because the more we look up the more we can't see 
him. You may say the statues are an old story. So they 
are. Sir, but are tney any the better for that P Look at 
George the Third's wig, by way of a sop to the realists ; 
and of George the Fourth's toga, by way of a concession 
to the idealists, and who snail decide which is the 
ugliest P As absurdity is worse than ugliness, we strike 
the balance against George the Fourth— that balance 
which he looks as if he oould not strike for himself in 
stone after death, any more than he could in flesh and 
blood during life. There he stands, lopsided, in one comer 
of the finest site, calling in yain on St. Martin to divide 
his cloak with him— poor beggar I and so hide the naked- 
Txm% of his legs. 

Then then* are Ilavf lock and 'Napier, two British 
Lion^ an two k^, q.a dark and dingy as we twice as 
manr BntiE^h Lioni recumbent on four. And there 's 
Charles the Firsts with the sparrows taking cavalier 
liberties with his love-loeks, calling in yain for that 
denning up which has been lately youchsafed to much 
blacker sovereipia. IfcVhy isn't Mi. Fboude set to work 
on him, inatead of th^ Cope Colonies, We '11 be bound 
be would make a better job of it. Perhaps, in spite of 
hia native braas^ th« miirt\T-monarch is afraid of at- 
traetini^ to himsolf more of the flattering attention of that 
great draTDatio r«-writer ol' history, W. G. Wills. 

Then look at the pavement ! It is simply disgraceful, j 
To wet weather wo &it in a sea of slop, altogether out 
of keeping with leonine constitutions; in dry, we are 
smothered in a miiture of ^?ranite and coal-dust, blacker 
and more biting than that of the Sahara. YHiy should 
we not be blessed witb tlower-beds under our noses, like 
our living congeners at the Zoo P Why not get the Office 
of Works to adopt tmr Places, as we do our Plays, from 
the Fren<)li, ana make the stony squares of liondon — 
not the Webt-Eod oa'^en- -as bri ght and blooming as 
the op«n Bpaoes of Pari^, East and West P 

Nelson J 1 am sure, would be as ready to tske French 
hints on this point from his present elevation at the 
mast-head^ as to take Freiioh ships :&om his life' 
on the quarter- deek. 

Hut 1 must brmf? my growl to a halt, for here comes 
a foul and frowiij mob of ragamuffins, headed by its 
oracked orators, and preceded by its equally cracked 
brass band, t« ^ont alxiut as. and, worse indignity still, 
to sit npon our backs, and dishonour our bronze with 
ex peof oration and orange-peel. It's too bad that Nelson 
should he forced to look down on such desecration of the 
tlapB of Trafalgar (t^nare). 

While you nr0 putting down nuisances, suppose you 
put down that I 

With best wishes for the New Year, 

Believe me, dear Punchy always yours (whatever the 
PaU MM may Bay), ^he British Lios. 

(For self and partners.) 

Frcm our pedestals round the Nelson Column^ 
Jan., 1880. 

A Civic Curiosity. 
We extract this remarkable advertisement from that 

respectable local 
Gazette : — 

print the Hackney and Kingsland 

FURNI8HEP APARTMENTS. — Suitable for a City 
Gentleman with folding doors.— Addreas, &c. 

We have many of us seen or read of the Siamese 
Twins, and the Two-headed Nightingale, and heard of, 
if not seen, the still earlier and more interesting case of 
the Canadian with a hole in his stomach, through which 
the processes of digestion could be observed and experi- 
mented on; we all of us probably have heard portly 
persons described as Gents with " Bow Windows ''—bur 
^' a City (jent with folding doors" is a phenomenon as 
yet unrecorded. One finds oneself wondering how the 
apartments can be furnished so as to be suitable to such 
a lustis nature, ~ ^ ' (^ 

yoL« Lxzyni. 


[Jasuart 24, U80. 


** ^\>^\^ V) ^>i^ \\^H» T>^v- 


But a. Ha&d Husk to Gst THBOuoff. 


Dxui Mb. PuircH, 

I AM 80 fond of ojpeninff an envelope that I httl a receipt 
with joy, and almost prefer a oill to the aoaence of the postman's 
knock. Under these oircamstanoes what do I not owe to the great 
Sir RowLAKD I But I am waiting to lay my postage-stami) on his 
grave, till I hear what is to he done witn the Fondf. If it is to be 
spent aooording to time-honoured British custom, nearly 40 per cent, 
will be taken up with managing the remainder. The residue wUl be 
spent partly on a big house wherein the widows of post-office officials 
snail lead weary, if jg:enteel, lives apart from their relations, and 
under sundry restrictions, probably rather trying to those who have 
been used to their own way ; and the rest ox the money will go to 
support another big establishment to which orphan children will be 

Now, dear Mr. Punch, I cannot feel certain that it is altoays a 

comfort to a woman who has lost her husband to part with her ohil* 
dren also, and if you could persuade the official managers of the 
fund to avoid bricks and mortar, and to spend it on pensions* to 
widows, allowing them to keep their children at home and educate 
them as they like, it would, I think, commend itself to more givers. 
Yoursi dear Mr, Punch, most respectfully, 

Ak Admiber of Sie Rowlaitd Hill. 

[^Puneh quite^agrees with Mb correspondent. He has received 
several letters askmg how the payment of a stamp-a-pieoe is to be 
made. At every Post-office let a box be put up for the purpose, into 
which stamps may be paid ; let the box be cleared onoe a week, and 
the amount remitted to the Lobd Matob.] 

Fbom the Gazette {New ^p»om^mmQ.--Oommon Sense v. War 
Correspondents' Rules superseded.^ gitizea by , .^ „ 

Jak'uaUt 24, 1880.] 



Invalid. *' I 'vx had A wbxtohxd Night, Mbs. Wobblis." 

Nurae, *' DiAB, dbab me, Sib 1 I thoooht you Slip* most comfobtablb 1 " 

Inmlid {icith a groan), ** Oh, Mb8. Wobbles, do use the Adybbb I " 

NvTiie, "Tbb, Sib, I 'ix bee about it dibeotlt, Sib,— but "— (puesZetQ— <'I bbelt dok*t think thxbx'b ohb nr the 'Oubb, Sib! 1 " 


To Me* PtiNCH^ Seb, 

i UAV^e long felt thftt Dr. Frasbe, the Bishop of MancKefiter, 
was a hij^hlj dangerous person* He is always forgetting his posltionf 
and dofuR^ or saying something' of a leTelling and eccentriCf if not &n. 
indeooruue and eren dam^eroufi kind* One is constantly reading in 
the papers of Ilis attendJa^ m^ting'S at theatres, and elub-room^j, 
and Mechanics' Infltitntea» and otiier haunts of the lower ordera oi 
an equally imconsecrated charaeterT and making himaelf hail-fellow- 
well-met with the working men and other low persons whom he 
enooantet^ at mieh places* 

0£ coursej one understands at onoe that a Bif^hop of Manchester 
if in a difficult position. He muH associate with manufacturers and 
miU-ownera, and even tradesmeUf and can hardly be e^peotM in 
^oh Qompany to keep up a proper sense of what belongs to hi^ posi- 

8tillf I did not think that this degradation wonld have reached 
l>r« PniSKE^g domestic and family arrangements. I supposed that 
the man mutt behave ]ike a Bishop at home, however he might com- 
port himself in public, 1 grieve to iind that I have been mistaken. 
Anything more indecent, for a Bishop, than Ilia marriage as de- 
■enbed in the papers 1 never heard of* 

In the first plaoe, instead of Westminater Abbey, or St, Martin' ei^ 
or St* George's, Hanover Square, at least— or some other of what 
may be called the citmm^*ih/aui marriage-ohnrchei,>his marriage 
eameoff at a common -place little district church in Onslow Gar- 
denSt that nobody ever heard of* The oeremony Geems to have been 
sneaked through, as if everybody wa« ashamed of what was going 
on, or rather, coming oS, 

'* The church at ^h\ek the oeremony wsa io taki fl^n was uaknowti to all 
but the Biidiop'i most intjnute frienof until a ftw liourt b«for« th» tim« fcr 
which it wfti fixed^ ^nd the frieudi vf tb« bri4« aid bndtgT«m wb« wer^ 
prtMDt Qumb^rtd ntl mori» ikaa a doa^ta/' 

Did you ever hear of such doings ? It is tme there was a Bean to 
read the marriage-service, but then it was Dean Stahlby — bo Broad 
and Low Church that it might almost as well have been Mr. Spub- 
OEON, or Dr. Jabez Iitwabds. The clergy who assisted him were 
worthy of such a principal. They were actually a couple of Curates I 
l;must say I call such behaviour in a Bishop absolutely indecent I 
And the rest was of a piece. 

There was no musical service. The Bride was in plain silver- 
grey satin— just like a Quakeress— and seems to have nad only one 
Bridesmaid, if any. 

After the ** oeremony "—ceremony, indeed!— the Dean "sub- 
stituted for the exhortation a private address to the Bishop and 
his Bride " of the most latitudinarian character, 

" He felicitated them on their position as parties to a happy Chriatian 
marriage, apoke of the day aa a lonff-expected one which had como at last, 
and congratulated them on the fact that from many hearts of abaent friends 
prayera were being offered for their future happineaa." 

Did you ever read anything so loose and broad P And from a Dean 
to a Bishop I It more thaji makes one blush. It is enough to make 
one shudder. 

And this precious wedding-party seem to have ended the [cere- 
mony as they beffan it— going back to a plain breakfast at the 
house of some nobody or other, and starting for Torquay by the 
afternoon train. I shouldn't wonder if they took a oab^from where 
they breakfasted to the railway. 

In fact, there does not seem to have been a person of family or 
position mixed up in the a&dr from first to last. Of oourse we can't 
so much wonder at that, considering the sad way the Bishop has 
mixed himself up with the lower orders. But still he is a Bishop, 
and one must grieve when a person of his claw and callings though 
only in a manufacturing district, can so lamentably forget nimseli. 
I remain, Sir, your humble servant, 

On WHO Nbvbb FoBasTS Hbbselv. 



[Januabt 24, 1880. 


Chapter IV. 

Further Suggestions — Zay Figures — Characters — Expression — 
JSxplanation— Lecturer — Illustrator — Scene — Question — Reply 
— Example — Theorv—Praetice — BarnesanianLecture — General 
Notes — Tosiiion — Study—Small Part — Importance — Coneeien^ 
tiousness — Considerations^Model Examination Paper. 

Thb&e are various ways of giymg a Dramatic Lecture. The fol- 
lowing illustrations will save detailed description. 

The Lecturs^ 
"Rjootxi ii supplied 
with platfoiln« 
tablet and dress- 
ing-table as seen 
in sectional dlraw- 
ing 5o. 8. 

The Lectutet 
disappearinf (to 
music), andleip- 
ter irctild he 
limited to mIUo- 

The subject 
should be *'iJam- 
let as a solilo- 
cruiser." Ano- 
TheShahpearian Lecturer Th$ Lecturer ditappearitig ther, •* Pa&te^as 
addretixng hit Class :-^ as himself, previous to a sobloquiser/' 
** I will now appear b6fore reappearing as BamUt, And nere will 
youat^am^." Flan thoufxng elevation of he obvious, at 

Platform, etept of descent^ once, the immehse 
dressing-table^ ie. advantages of a 

resident Ventrilo- 
quist Professor, who could (rive scenes between three or more 
characters, whose costume and action could be shown by '* practi- 
cable" lay-figures. The onlv objection to a "Lay-figure" would 
come from some clerical member of the Church and Stage Ghiild. 

Lectures'Jllustrated hy Working Models (or tag Figures)-' 
Lady Macbeth and Macbeth. 

This is simply an adaptation of the plan pursued in our Art sdiools 
before the pupus are suffidenUy advanced to be permitted to study 
from the Living ModeL 

A Lecture on the living Model would, of course, be highly in^ 

Take, for example, Mr. Irviko tk Mathias in the JBeliSi or as 
JJuboeeq in the Courier of Lyons. 

This eminent actor would go through an entire scene in company 
with other less eminent actors. 

Then one method would be, for any student, at any part of the 
performance, to jump up, stop the tragedian, and referring to some 
particular action, ask,— '""' "* * . . -^.. 

Say, ' 

jular action, ask.— ** Please, Sir. why did you do thail'^ 

, for example, that it is when Ihboscq is on the ground, in the 

last act, kicking up his heels in^the air. The student would inquire 
the meaning of such an action, and then Mr. Ibvino, as nractical 
lecturer, would give him a careful analsrsis of Dubosc^s character, 
showing how, for euch a person in euch a situation, kicking up behind 
and before would be the most natural thing in the world. 

Or J for example, when as Louie XL, he makes hideous grimaces at 
the httie figures in his hat, a student would naturally stop him to 
inquire the exact meaning of each of these facial oontortion& and the 
explanation of them all collectively. This would draw nom the 
eminent artist a clear, concise, yet eloquent statement oonoeming the 
kind of facial contortions, physiognomical expressions, as distinct 
from what is technically termed " mugging," which would oome 
natural to such a oharaotor as Louie JCiT, in such a situation, with 
such a hat. 

Another mode of lecturing would be for a Heaven-bom lecturer 
like Mr. Pattltoit to stand at the sid^ while Mr. Ibvikg, as illus- 
trAtor, was performing, and answer all inquiries. Id. such a ease 
no appeal would be allowed from the lecturer to the illustrator. 

For instance, in the scene witii his mother, when the Lyceum 
tieimlet used to point at nothing in the air and say, ** Look at this 
picture and on this." An interruption could naturally occur, 

Stud^t (in the body efthe room seated on the fifth form, suddenly 

ffKty and eMending his hdnd). Please, Sir . (7b Mr. Paxtlton, 

ihB Leet«rer)>, Please, Sir 

Mr, Paukon {to Mr. Irvino). Have the goodness to stop one 
minute,. a student wishes to uk a question. {To student) sXoWt 

Student. Please, Sir, irhj does Hamlet stretch out his aiml like 
thaL Sir, and point to notmng. 

Mr, PauUon, Your question is a very natural One, and I had an- 
ticipated this inquiry. Ton must understand that every room has 
at least four walls. Now three walls being represented by the 
** fiats " and the *' wings," tiie third is supposed to be down, or else 
how could the audience see what is going on in the palace r {Ap- 
plause, Hamlet is about to resume, bui is stopped by lecturer,) (me 
moment. Now on this other mM may well be supposed to hauff the 
two portraits to which the .Prince wishes to direct his mother's 

Thoughtful Student, But Sir 

Mr. Paulton. Yes, Sir. 

Thoughtful Student. If the wall is down, and if the pictures are 
on it, then the pictures are down too, and neither Hamlet nor his 
mother could see them. 

Mr, Paulton, Your objection, Sir, is a very natural one. You 
must further suppose that these pictures hang one on each side of a 
window in the wall, a large open window with tiie blind up, through 
which the audience are 
able to see what is going 
on within the palaoe. The 
Dramatic Student must 
always rem^ber that, as 
an actor, he is " observed " 
but at the same time he 
must play as our eminent 
illustrator is now doing, 
just as though the wall 
were there and not the 
audience. (Or eat ap^ 
plause. To Mr. Isvnro.) 
You may now, Sir, oon- 
tinue your illustration. 

Li another room I will 
suppose',that a Lecture on 
G^end Dramatic Study is 
being delivered. It would 
be invidious, perhaps, to 
say by whom, as all the 
Professors will have their 
turn. It might be Pro- 
fessor Txsby'b turn, or 
Professor Wasitsb'b, or 
Dr. Eoycb's, or the Kev. 
Mr. MACLEAif's, or the 
Bight Hoiiourable Davd> 
Jambs's, or DeanTHOBKB'fl. 
Though, perhaps, to each 
of these would probably be 
allotted special subjects^ * ... 

We will suppose the j^tform oeoupied by the learned Professor 
BABines, now playing Bamesanio at the Lyceum, who has to de^ 
liver a lecture on the General Study of the Drama. After bowing to 
the reception, which he will receive from the students, he may be 
supposed to address them thus : — 

GsiTTLXMXN,— The Stage requires men of commanding presence. 

: '-^^^ ^r^ 


Professor Barnes on the Platform* 

January 24, 1880.] 



The man who can look well, speak well, and measure fifty-eidit 
inches round— ahem— the chest— is one who has been qualified oy 
nature for ** the Lead " in eyery line of the Drama* In fact he can 
haye eyery line to himself, and no line without a palpable point 
in it. 

Shakspeabb, the inspired William, who was not for an agre, but 
for eyery eyening till further notice from eight till eleyen, and doors 
open at seyen— Suaxspsare, I say, set his face agrainst a lean man. 
His heroes were stout, that is, I mean were fine men, men in pro- 
portion to the vlajB they appeared in. which were eminently big. I 
will not now .detain you on this subject, for that all the Shaxb- 
PXAERAK heroes were physically fine men is now pretty generally 
admitted— and that Uamlet was eyen a trifie inclined to obesity only 
eleyates his poetic temperament in our eyes— but I willsimplv point 
out to you that it is your duty to oultiyate appearance for the sake 
of appearanoes, and to oompdT admiration eyen before you gain yout 
applause. The less ^im have to sa^y the bigger you miAst look, and 
the true art of the aotor i« shown ikiore in doing something when he 
has to do nothing^ tiian in doing something when eyerything has been 
giyen him to do. Some men are bom with silyer spoons in their 
mouths. But an actor should not enyy such a man unless there were 
a ** bit of fat" in the rooon ; fot in that case the infant aotor could 
haye swallowed it, while in any other case his nurse or his parents 
would haye coUaivd the spoon* 

Such might be the oommenoement a! the Bamesanian Professor's 
lecture. The remarks which follow, on account of their wisdom and 
their general application, it would be inyidious to place in the mouth 
of any one indiyidual Dramatic Professor. The subject selected is 
one yery dear to theorists who wish to " eleyate theistagoi'' yis., 
*' the position of the actor.*' 

How TO ELsyAWB m Btagi. 

Bound Aboai ColUm* 

Snt ExNBY he collared Hahz Pasha for haying collared Soxtuclt : 

And on the Sultan's dismissing him insisted in his choler. 

The Sultak he collared Harb f AmA, when not fdlowing Latass's 

lead he 
Bestowed on Haiu the eord^H of the Order of Mejidie I 

Air nxK jrsox tbm tsAt of wab. 
In charge of the Indo-Afghan Tnuu^ort ozzangtmsnts— Oeaaral 
Block. _____^ 

A OoiDcoir Lwsolr {to Acton nni Wat-AdtMnistraton ^ ftopos 
of the cancelled IttUes and Megulationi for War*- Correspondents). — 
No good was eyer got by ** gagging." 



*The theory of international reiationi which baa been adopted. by tb« 
kiden of the fiadical Party was expreaely stated by Mi. Qladstoitb on his 
ioomey homewardB, and amounts to the old doctrine of the tcaroely surriying 
reaae rarty, that Goyemments are bound to foUow among themselyes the 
mlaa of B&orality. This is just one of those propositions which cannot be 
absolutely denied without incumng discredit, but which, on the other hand, 
cannot be accepted by anybodr who lays claim to tbe smallest accuracy of 
ideas. . • . There is oyerwhelming eyidence that ilie moral code which 
Badieal oraton declare to hare been shamefully TioUted, has collapsed in all 
the gremtert States of the ciTilised world."— TA^ F^U Mail Qtmtte en ** In- 
tematienal MermUty, Old end NswJ* 

No— Morality. Ma'am, you 're a worthy old sotil, 

But your sphere, is the home where your welcome is hesrty ; 
like a youth, rather soft, though oorroct on the whole, 

You *re a yery nice ^ufl«t for a yerv small party. 
But poking your nose in Imperial afnirs^ 

And laymg down hard-and-fast rules international I 
In statecraft assnming de-hatnt-en-has airs I 

Pooh! it really ioon^# do ; it 's profoundly irrational I 

You 're a failure, dear Goody ; your fine oolden rule 

Is as useless as poor Mother Partin^toirs mop. 
You're like some andent female,— kind, fussy old fool,— 

Who, beholding boys fighting, o(»gures them to stop. 
You think to rule Nations by Nursery laws. 

With a sweet baby-sayour of pap, bibs, and corals P 
In the race for first place we ignore holy saws, 

And cannot afford to be hankered with morals. 

You'ye been prosing and glodngabsnrdW^ of late: 

It is time that cool sense just arose and demolished you« 
In practice you know tiuit each dyilised State 

Has pooh-po(4ied your pet oode. and as good as aboUshed you. 
True Glabsiokb stiU backs you, but he doesn't count; 

He's a frump like yourself, and as mad as a hatter. 
Could a BiSMAXOK make w^, or a Bbacohsfuld mount, 

Did he take, dear Dame Durden, your yiew of the matter? 

No, Pike Country choice-Hihat 's to shoot or be shot- 
is the only altematiye now between Nations ; 

And eettingfirst fire, whether fairly or not, 
Is we aim of each Statesman's profound cogitations. 

Telling lies may look wrong, but^tis yenial ouite ; 
If a country has foes it must he done or do ^em, 

A necessity q^uite beyond strict rules of right, 
And punctilious notions of meum and tuum^ 

Since Empire 's a huge game of grab, he must win ^ 

Who can snatch most adroitly, bamboozle and blind most ; 
Prooeedings that doubtless to you appear sin 

Are laws of the game, which is '' deuoe take liie hindmost," 
In sermons and speeches they sound yastly fine. 

Your doctrinaire maxims and dim generalities^ 
But Bngland would soon see her Empire dediiie ^ 

If restrained in her ways by such Baby banalities. 

Strong enough to be just P Safe enough to be ruled 

By an earnest desire, at the least, to act rightly P 
Pureboshl We should sin^y be hoodwinked and fooled« 

Bowed out of our hard- won possessions politely ; 
Other nations are all such dashed robbers— at least, 

If where morals don't hold one may talk about robbery — 
Just apply joxa fine rule to aifairs in the East 

And imagme the end of that blessed old bobbery I 

On the old Sayage law as between man and man. 

We 'ye improyedl; but as Nations we still are barbarians, 
Bob Rot our exemplar whose excellent plan 

Holds good, in despite of the humanitarians : 
High Culture confirms it, the Pall Mall poop-pochs 
^The attempt by religion or justice to better it ; 
Hdding e'en British Str engt h , in the end sure to lose, 

If we let mere morality hamper and fetter it. 

So, Madam, pray haye the good sense to g«t out, 

The kindness to hold yourself silemeed and sat on; 
Thei« 's a lisdted realm you may rule in, no doubt; 

But your regimen's not one wat naUotu now fatoB* 
'* Do as we'd be done by." means really, '* Be done 

By those we won't do^" out of poor Sorupukeity ; 
Of such one-sided yirtne Bull can't see tae fun: . 

When the game 's grab all round, he prefers reeiprserty I 



fear I 



[Jaxuatit 24, 18^a 


Mrs. Poruonhy de TomJcins, '* So good of yotj to takb tity on u8, Duohbss 1 and toxt too, dxak Ladt Adxlikb t Wi wntx 


Footman, **M.ns, MacHalusfbr P' 

Mrs, MacAliater (an Aunt of Mrs, Ponsonby de Tomkiru^s^-quite unexpected^ and by no means a person of fashion), ** HxoH I TX didna 


ISits doton, and makes herself quite at home. 
Stunned by the awful apparition, Mrs, Ponsonby de Tomkins mentally ejaculates, *' Oe Hxayxns 1 what will thx Duchxss think T '' 
and loses all presence of mind. 

What the Duchess said to Lady Adeline, driving home :—'* Krcx Mothxxly Pxbson that Mrs. MaoAlistxb I Shx 's thx Wifx 
OF Lord Finsbubt's Scotch Baiuff, it sxxms. I 'd no idxa Mrs. Tomkins had buoh Rbbpxctablx Connbotions 1 " 



Your sympathetio imaginatioii may possibly enable yon to 
noeive the intense pain I experienced on pKBrnsing those exposnres 
tiich lately appeared in the Times of Hie imposture unmaBKed by 
r T. Sitwbll and Hxrr Yon Busch, at the National Association 
Spiritnalists^ in '* Catching a Spirit *'—** materialised " in a fran- 
dent Medinm. 

Oh, how distressing and humiliating it is to think that one belongs 
the same sex with such a person I 

Ohf to think that she should have palmed herself off as a being of 
e Spirit World on a professor of no less eminence in the world of 
lence than Mr. Crookxs, the distinguished Chemist I 
But only consider, to have succeeded in taking in an experimenta- 
t so careful, so sharp, and so practised, as Mr. Crookxs is known 
be, what an extremely clever as well as deceitful a thing that dis- 
nest Medium must haye been I 

It seems that she is not the only one so olerer and so deceitful, 
lyeral others have been likewise found out, but they had gone on a 
tig lime first. And, it seems, from what a member of the Spiritual 
isodatbn savs, that there are Mediums who, though to all appear- 
ice inextricably tied, contrive to undo the most intricate ^stenings 
the dark, nobody knows how. 

If the abilities they thus abuse had been appUed to the aoquire- 
ent of dexterity in legerdemain, these Mediums might now be 
itting an honest living oy sleight of hand. 

Isn't it remarkable that although many, if not most Mediunui are 
jmen, never— or hardly ever— has any member of our sex yet 

appeared in public as a performer in the conjuring line? Why 
should men continue to monopoUse that employment, when our erring 
sisters, the Mediums, able, as they have often shown themselves, to 
impose on philosophers, must be so highly qualified for it ? 

A female conjuror would certainly be a novelty, and ought to be 
sure, with the abilities of a Medium, to command success. There, now, 
is a capacity in which Woman is both adapted and at liberty to com- 
pete with Man. Why shouldn't there be *' Witches" as well as 
^* Wizards" of the North. South, East, or West ? If the Medium 
who has so cleverly hoaxed the Association of Spiritualists and Mr. 
Crookbs, seeing the errors of her ways, would only come out as a 
rival to Dr. Lynn, she mi^ht yet redeem her reputation, and refute 
the cynical saying of satmoftl men that Women are no Conjurors. 
Why not feminine, equal to Maskxltne and Cooke ? 

Believe me ever, dear Mr, Punch, your affectionate 


F.S.^Or, perhaps, the Medium who has been detected would, for 
a reasonable remuneration, be willing to explain the wavshe unties 
herself. Society, I dare say, would give something to xnow ** how 
it is dmie." 

A K«w Tear's Oracker. 

Sir Ysrnov Haroottrt speaking, at Oxford, on the Turkish 

policy, protested he was •* no friend tolslam." Naturally not. Two of 

a' trade never agree, and Sir Ysrnon has occasionally shown himself 

a False Prophet How about his latest " tip "• for the ** first day of 

next Session being the last of the BxAOONgFiELD Administration P 

Nousverrons. ^ 

HinitiToH h^ 






Dinitizftd bv 


Digitized by 


Januabt 24, 1880.] 



^ -^ 


TUEUE is mticli talking 
and WTitiBg' about 
Dramatic SdiooLa 
j list now ; but Prof eaaors, 
if not Professionalfl^ seem 
to forget the admirable 
Infant- Schools already 
£peii in the Chmtmas 

PuijcAknows no pret- 
tier or more pathetic «ig-ht 
than that presented by 
moat of our Pantomime 
stages, when filled, like 
tba » boxes, with little 
oiiea» Gardens — true 
Kindergarten — all blos- 
som me: witb. iiowerifl of 
child nood— babyhood 
almost — real and sweet 
flowers^ though often 
grown among the soot 
and smoke of the slume^ 
and the tilth and foulness 
of the gutter. The magic 
of the liowers transmutes 
foulness to frafrranoet 
At tjiea© times, Panto- 
mime is not only the aoene of Big-heads, hut the school of Big- 
hearts, for the^ must be hig, to take in all these little ones ^ tbey 
do ; everyone in the theatre, from Stage-manager and Ballet-master 
downwards, having a kind way and a kind word in dealing with 
these mites* 

Punch has produced his Pantomime, and he knows there is no 
bnppier season than Pantomime time for the children luck3r enough 
to bo euL^aged for Birdfl or Beea, Spiders or Sprites, Fiends or 
FfliHes, Farm LabourerB or Bmall Soldiers, The run of the 
Pantomime means the grandest holiday entertainment for them, 
fiomething beyond all conceivable feasts and Bummer oulinga ; warmth 
BJid brigfitneaa, splendour and sparkle, frolic and fun, dressing up 
ajid dancing, romping and making a row for two or three hours in 
the afternoon or at mght, and live, or even serenj lahilKngs to carry 
home to mother at the week^s end ! 

And if this Child*a Paradise has to be reached through a few weeks' 
drilling and dressing, fihonting and scolding, what's that to the 
restraint and Btcm discipline of the Board-Bohoolt or the ups and 
downs of the battle of Ute in court or gutter ? 

And even for teaching, Punch h open to back the Theatre^ while it 
lasts, against the Board -School any day^. Its teaching ia pre- 
eminently proved by rcflivlts* Everything tuught is tested by 
miblic examination* If we don't hear quite bo much of the Three 
R.'s or the Standards, cleanlinesa, attention ^ punctuahty, and prompt 
obedience are not bad practical JessonSt any more than dancing and 
deportment, and the conveying of a meaning by look or posture. 
what the children get in tbe theatret in fact, is school, drill, and 
dancing-lesson roUea into one. 

If Punches readers want to see this Dramatia Infant-School in 
ftill swing, let them go to the Opera Comique, and enjoy Tfie 
Chiidren^s Pinafore » They will Una the music, didy tranaposed to 
the small pipes, as well given in most cajses, and the parts as well 
played, by the children, as bv their big brothers and dsters, their 
oousins Slid their uncles and tneir aunti, in the evening. 

There is a Sir Joseph Porter, whose official solemnity is in the 
inverse ratio of his si^e, and who comports himself with as i>ortentous 
a gravity as if he carried not only the ^'Queen^s Navee," but the 
Queen^s Army, and Civil Seryioe, and the Bench of Bishops, and 
the Judges of all the Law Gourtsr-nay^ the whole weight of Chtirch 
and State on his small shoulders. There is a Capiain Corcoran, at 
once a pink of politeness and a Tartar of tautness. who never 
** forgetB himnelf,^' his note, or his word, and looks like a model 
Captain seen through the small end of a telescope. There is a mid- 
fihipmite of the mite-ieat dimenaions, and most deedy determination. 
There is a bluff Boatswain^ a tender and touching /f<i//>A JJacA^^rdw?, 
with a sweet, mellow, and well -trained pipe, a pretty and grace - 
fed Josephine, an ideal and idyBio ZiUh Buttercup and a ^lithe 
ttnd bttiom coryjih^c of the ** cousins and the aunts," and, above 
all, there ia a Dkk Beathye who is a RousoN in miniature. Punch 
<M>es not remember to have seen any aotor since that genius in the 
jTeUow Dwarf at once so weird ana so funny. 

In short, every part is capitaBy hUed, and the Children's Pinqfore 

muat be pronounced a model niece of oa clean, neat^ and taatefnl 

fetting up, as Punch would wish to Me in hia own taundry. 

In Little Boy Biuf, at the Aquarium, beside* a sm 

smart and 

sprightly Blue Ba^y and a pretty JSdc^ Ridxnq Hoodj a real oow, and 
turkeys, and pigeons, and cooks and hens, tnere are the humonrBof 
Mas^ter Lionel B rough as a big little-boy, and a Board-School, con- 
ducted on strictly Pantomime principles, with Mr. Bahsistes for 
Mistress, and Mr. Paulo for Inspector. Tne teaching and its results, 
in these competent hands, may be imagined. Lord Sandon and Sir 
FuA^cis BAifDFoitB should yisit this model school, so oonyeniently 
near Whitehall, 

But what Punch wants to talk about jost now, is a trio of the 
sweetest Bttle tots who sin^: nursery sonffs in chorus, with a glee 
and gtisto that seem^ to shinc out of their bright black eyes and 
to break in smiles on dieir rosy Hps, particularly those of a small 
person of three or four, who, in smoi^-frock and leggings, and 
carter^ S'Whip in hand, sings the praises of John Barleycorn behind 
a brown j ug almost as big as herself. 

A prettier and more jpleasing sight than this childish glee^party 
Punch has not found in the whole realm of Pantomime this year. 
And why, though she has grown from pretty child to graceful 
girl, should he not make his old-fashioned eonffS to Miss Kakrtict 
Laueie, the CGlifmbim in LUthBoy Blue, who— but he despairs of 
doing her justice in prose — "J^ct^ admiraUo r«r«im." 
Wbo, for arciheit expression and daintiest gttee, 
gporti s liiikod chain o^ charms from her foot to her £aoe ; 
Who keepa up ber enirtehatt, battues, ^utiHt^t, 
Her IftDguiihiDg posei and her light ^rou^^, 
And trips it from opening to close of the sett| 
And hi^r Ctiiumbine-rdh De*er forsakes nor forgets, 
And 10, alto[ji3ther, the prettiest of petal 
And in hor blfiek tarlatane more heart-hanls gets 
Than vere \i^t caught in thinnest and whitest tuiU nets^ 
'Worn by \^m winning fishers, lees chaiming coquettes. 

Punchy yon see, ean^t pass oyer her charmingly eccentric dress. 
8he is the only Columbine he ever saw in black, and she makes it 
look the prettiest and most becoming costume tor the part— which 
it isn't, . 

This Coh^mUm of CQlumhine^, Punch it ^lad to say, pervades the 
Comic Bccnes of the Aqoarium Pantomime in company with Mr. D. 
KiTCEBif^— an Artist far more Buggestit]^ of drawing-room than 
kitcken"-^ Barltquin for sprightliness and agility not unworthy of 
such a Columhine, 

It is the first time, for long, that Punch has seen a Harlequin 
and Columbine able^ as weU as willing, to get out of their spangles 
and stripes all that feminine grace and masculine activity can End 
in them. Then Miss Alice Holt and Miss 'PEBCiVAJ^—blondine and 
brunette— Q:t^ two charming premieres danseuees, Mr. Paulo is a 
very good Chum indeed, and has true humour, though, like most 
clever Cl&wm nowadays, he takes out in talk what he should put 
into pantomime. 

Passing from Stage to Platform, but still keeping to Children, 
Puftch must say a word on the performance of the Sisters WsBLiNe. 
He loves young ability and its natural flowers as much as he hates 
precocity and its foroed fruits. These three sisters, the eldest 
(Josj^photb) not yet out of her teens, tiie youngest (Peoot) not ^et 
into them, have none of the obiectionable quality of the Juyenile 
Prodigy or the rcpulsiveness of the Infant Phenomenon. 

Touching and true as Biav be the pathos of Josephinb, PtincA, as 
is natural, warms more to tae fun of PEeex, whioh is quite out of 
the common, and seems to ^ye iMrottiee of a future. Only don't let 
those who have t:harge ot these cleyer children spoil them wil^ 
stove-heat and ^oir^^ -forcing. Let their inteUigence be carefoBj 
developed and trained, and leave their deyemess to look after itself. 
Punch could not help thinking as h6 watched their performance, 
'^ W^bat a trio of foundatLon-soholars for his own Dramatic College, 
or Professor MoELBt'^ Dramatic School— whicheyer of them is nrst 
opened i *' _ 

<^ Tour Burplui to its Right TTse." 

MoroR Irish e^-inonmbents want the Irish Church Smt>lus em- 
ployed to eke out the boantr ex-Briah-Church surplice, and flt it 
better to cover their nakedness. But, Ul-fed and iU-clad as tiie 
poorer among the Irish Protestant Clergy may be, Goyemment seems 
disposed to think that the Church Su^lus may be better employed 
in feeding the still hungrielr^ and elothing the stiU nakeder, surplus 
population. At any rate, if it will feed nothing else, it will feed 
their popularity, at this moment rather in a state of inanition. 

Tight V). XiOose. 

Th* qittftml twlw^eil the Tight ffahH-ans and Loose MahU-ans 
promises to become as fierce and as prolific of paper, if not party, 
warfare, as that of the Big Endians and Little Endians in Ulliput. 

Without steppiug, where all but angels should fear to tread, on 
the Ladies' riding skirts, Punch may yenture one remark, that 
Ladies who are ineiined to be fast goers, are likelier to be safe with 
tight habits than loose ones. Digitized by 

""»" r , i r , (3 



[January 24, 18fc0. 


Vicar. "Sobrt I mkykr bbs tott at Chuboh, Squirx. As a leadiko Mait 


Squire. '* Wbll, at all xyknts, if I 'm not a Pillab, I 'm onA o* tbx 



** Kb. Glai>8Tonb*8 bett friends must 'regret that he ehould (do or say anything 

ho may happen to haye said or done.) **—JParrot JPhratt of the Feriod, 

Now really, you know, this is getting i*m dreadfiil I 

Great genins, of course ; but I fear he's gone mad. 
Of whattrait'roue trash is his foolish old hi^d full p 

I.'m quite of your mind ; and it 's slllJc■kiTl^^ly mi I 
He u>ae a great Statesman | but e*en in the City 

We fear all his gumption has gone by the board. 
Ah ! if only to figures he 'd stick ! What a pity ! 

No chance, I suppose, of his being restored t 
At seyenty P No I Since those wretched atrocities, 

He hasn't been sane for an hour, so I hear. 
Ah I you see he 's a slave to such Tile animosities, 

Mitch as I still admire him, I think t?iat is clear. 
Yes, wholly unscrupulous. Splendid old fellow, 

Oi course I But he does make himself such an ass I 
As jealous of riyals as any OtheUo, 

iuthough at finance he, of course, is first class I 
Humph I Y—e^s; though in matters of simple addition 

He makes most preposterous blunders, you know. 
Oh ! that 's simply done to drive Ben to perdition, 

By bursting up Nobthoots's finance at a blow. 
Now if / had his ear, I should just recommend him 

In friendship's pure spirit to— hold his dashed row I 
Ah ! If I had my way. I to Bedlam would send him, 

In kindness— the only fit place for him now ! 
The PtM Mall turns him up and has taken to slate him 

In true cross-knee style, as you towel a child. 
Then the Moderate liberals,— lord ! how they hate him I 

His power with the People does make them bo wild. 
Ah I panders to popular fieling atrociously, 

Altnough he mtui know the whole country 's with Ben. 
Nine-tenths of the nation he hates most ferociously. 

And sayagdy slangs them with tongue and with pen. 

Best Friend No. 1. 


No. 2. 






No. 5. 








No. 9. 


No. 10. 


No. 11. 


No. 12. 


No. 13. 


JVo. 14. 


No. 15. 


No. 16. 

Beet Friend No. 17. He has grown quite a demagogue, 
— sorry to say so. 
Bespect him profoundly, of course, 
and all that. 
Ditto No. 18. Sentimental old donkey I why, why 
will he bray so P 
His dull pamphlets fail, his long 
speeones fall flat. 
Ditto No. 19. Yes, and stir up poor fanatic fools 
into madness. 
The mischief they cause there's 
no mortal may sum. 
Difto No. 20. Alas ! Sach a spectacle fills one 
with sadness. 
Would merciful Heayen but 
strike the man dumb I 
Ditto No, 21. I 'm sure enough mud is flung at 
him to choke him. 
The deuce of it is, though so little 
will stick. 
Ditto No, 22. Even Boubke's handful missed. 
Could one only proyoke him 
To something. — well dirtu, the 
wind-bag 'twould prick. 
Ditto No. 23. No such luck, I 'm afraid, that is, 
hum, ha— oh I hang him! 
He '11 come, I feel sure, to the 
saddest of ends. 
Ditto No, 24. Meanwhile 'tis our duty to pelt him 
and slang him 
To proye, don't you see, that 'tis 
we 're his best friends I 


{A LiUle Tragedy of the Statute Book.) 

Scene.— -4 ChemieVs Shop^Legally Disposed Proprietor 
and three suffering Customers discovered discussing 
the •* Sale of Poisonous Drugs Act:' 

Legally Disposed Proprietor. Well, you can't haye it 
There I 

First Stiffering Customer. There— indeed ! Why the 
child has kep me up, without a blessed wink of sleep, 
these flye ni^ts ! You might make us up a 'aporth of 
laudanum P Come, now. 

LegdUy Disposed Proprietor. Can't do it, my good 
Lady. Law is law. 

Second Suffering Customer. Just so. But my case is 
yery different. I want something just to quiet this neu- 
ralgia. Now, I 'm told that a little opium 

LegaUy-disposed Proprietor. No use. Sir ; we daren't 
let you haye it Get a l)octor's order. 

Third Suffering Customer. But, really, it is prepos- 
terous. Here, 1 come for something to allay yiolent 
sjrmptoms of incipient coma, and do you mean to tell 
me you can ^ye me nothing calming of any kindP 

IjegaUy^duposed Proprietor, Oh, yes, I can do some- 
thing for you in the ^tent way. Haye you oyer tried 
Deadman's Somnolent Elixir P 

Suffering Customers (all together). No I Is it strong P 

LegeUly-disposed Proprietor. Strong P Why, it would 
send an elephant off like a t op {produces it), and it 's only 
One-and-Three-ha'pence. We sell a good deal of it 

First Sufferinq Customer. Giye me a bottie. 

Second Suffering Customer. Here, I '11 haye one. 

Third Suffering Customer. So will I. 

LegaUy-disposed Proprietor. That is the article {hands 
small packet hearing Government Label to each). But 
mind the directions, because it is strong. {Smiling.) It 
is what we call a powerful narcotic. 

lExeunt three Suffering Customers^ with three 
bottles of powerful narcotic, to make arrange^ 
ments for three Coroner's inquests, as Curtain 


'' An Old Laputan " writes to express his snipriae 
and disappointment at not finding, in some *' Statistics 
of Sunshine " lately published, any mention of the sun- 
beams extracted out of cucumbers.^-^hapB the Boyal 
Society will answer him. .^. ^^ C tC 

^tizf^d hv ^ 


I Jaicuary 24, 1880.] 




TwioB A8 Ornamsntal A8 Malk Flunkxtp, without bbwo a bit moes Useless 



pTTBUc ttttaation has been lately tmlle4 
to the abtue of opiates, alleged to Imvft 
bt^come prevalent. If this is bo, it may bo 
de si ruble to know whether the praotioB of 
taking narcotic medicines has Dot oola* 
oided, proportionallf, with the spread of 
total absUaencc from intoxicating li^^uora. 

A man who, having been lon^ la th« 
habit of going to bed with a ** nisrhtcap " 
of whiskey- and -water, has dieoontinued it, 
and is therefore sleeplesa, may naturally 
enough endeavour to procure re«t by means 
of mt>Tphia or chloraL 

Imtead^ howereri of reaortiag to eoi>orifio 
medicines, too often apt to prove more de- 
leterious than even ardent spirits, would 
not the sufferer from sleeplessness for tem- 
perance sake do wisely to try the effect of 
somniferous literature? Let him court 
repose for eiampls, by reading any iq?eech 
of even moderate length— if lie can find 
one— in * ^Parliaments Out of Session," the 
la^^t thing before going to bcd^ or a typical 
leading article on the subjeet of Educa- 
tion and the SchooU Board. A dissertation 
upon Indian Finance would perhaps prove 
equally efhcaeious ; much more so indeed 
than poppy or mandragora^ and all the 
drowsy syFuj.js of the East, with their vege- 
table alkaloids and actiye principles, and 
the whole of the stupefaotiYe oompoonds 
of modern chemistry. 

Diamonds in the Distance. 

Cabboit to crystallise in yain 

Macteab has taxed his skill ; 
The Diamond he can't obtain, 

So carat caret still. 
But Chemio Art, he reckons, must 

Breed brilliants by-and-by ; 
Meanwhile, he will make Diamond-dust, 

So Macisah dries his eye. 

De Mobtuis Nil Nisi Boifxiic.— Our Epi- 
cure thinks this is especially true of Turkeys. 


Sipn l.—That Mr. has a Picture Ghdlery in the St. James's. 

Stpn 2. — ^That Mr. Bancboit is renoyating the Haymarket. 

St^ 3. — That Professor Moblet has lectured. 

Stffn 4.— That Mr. H. J. Bybon has written to say how much he 
approyes of the Professor's Lecture. 

Siffn S.^That Mr. Alfbed Avstin, Poet and Politician, wrote 
a fortnight sinoe to the Standard^ informing ns how in a " state of 
passiye pessimism " (where had he been dining ?) heyisited a Theatre 
^'punctually at eight" (notice *^ punctually at eiqlU*^—ihiB sounds 
like an " order "—** not admitted after eight "—eh ?j[, and was 
" distressed " to find the house comparatiyely empty. Ol course had 
he announced his intention of honouring the Theatre with his dis- 
tinguished presence, the management would haye issued other orders 
accordingly, and would haye reoeiyed him with wax candles, and 
the red baize down. But that the eminent Poet-Politician should 
^ to the Theatre at all, is really a matter of congratulation to those 
interested in the reyiyal of the Drama, seeing that he takes the greatest 

"that I know nothing whatever about the Authors^ Actors, or 
Manager, concerned in the Court Theatre" Well, as to the 
Authors, Actors, and Manager, '* tiieir state is the more gracious." 

Sign 6.— That the Acting Manager of the Court Theatre showed 
in his immediate reply to the Poet-Politician's letter how utterly 
ignorant he (the Actmg Manager) was of the great importance to the 
Drama of tne existenoe of the Gentleman whom he mentioned as 
" Your Correspondent, 'Alfbed Austin.'" This is a sign of the 
eleyation of the Drama. Brayo, Acting Manager of the Court I 

Sign 7.— That Alfbsd Avstik— Alfred the Less— conffratulates 
Alfred TEmnrsoir — ^Alfred the Great— on haying " added his name 
to the list of British playwrights." 

Sign 8.— That Alfred the Less declares in this same letter that 
he is *' not a Dramatic Critic." Whoeyer said, or thought, he was? 

Sign 9.— That Alfred the Less is well aware his opinion is not 
worth much, and so makes a handsome present of it to the Standard, 

Sign 10.— That Alfred the Less " will not dissemble." 

Sign 11.— That he is pleased with the popularity of a little work, 
by one Shaespearb, at the Lycenm. 

Sign 12.— That he considers the appearance of Mr. Bahtcroit, at 
the Haymarket Theatre, a sign that the English Stage is capable of 
somethmg more than Farces, and indecent Burlesques. 

Sign 13.— After this expression of opinion, it is highly probable 
that Mr. Irving, Mr. Bancroft, and Mr. Hare will receiyoMSS. of 
something more than Farces and indecent Burlesques— perhaps a 
dnunatic yersion of that deyout and chastened work The Season, a 
Satire, by Alfred Austin, specially dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. 
Bancroft, or an arrangement for the Stage of that exquisitely pure 
composition The Human Tragedi^, 

Sign 14.— That Mr. Yal Prinsep has been implored by seyeral 
admiring friends to write another little "trifle light as Hare," for 
the St. James's. 

Si^ 15.— That a Magic Lantern is used at the Alhambra. 

Sign 16. — That Mr. French, the American Publisher, and 
Mr. Bancroft, haye jpaid Mr. Sardou £2,000 for a piece before it 
is written. From which it may be deduced that Yictorosn Sardou 
knows a yersion of the '* Confiuence Trick." 

Sipn 17.— That the Falcon, at the St James's, is a real live bird. 

Sign 18. — That Mr. W. S. Gilbert meditates beocmiing an 
American Citizen, and stopping there. 

Sipn 19.— That Mr. Charles Warner, after another sncoess, will 
receive several testimonials, and retire. 

Sign 20.— That Mr. BusEiN lately appeared at the Lycenm, and 
that Mr. iRviNa was intoosely del^hted. 

Si(in 21.— That seyeral young Koblemen are engaged to *' come 
on " in the Club Scene of Money, at the Haymarket. If this doesn't 



[Januabt 24, 1880. 

Jo mnoh for tb^ principle, H fit l^ast adds to the interest^of 

But perhaps the best sign of all is that there are more Theatres 
3peii now than ever there were, reoeiying: better support than ever 
they did— more oarefnl performance all round than erer there was ; 
ind, with all these advantagres, that the state of the Drama is much 
ELbont the same as erer it was, while there are just about the same 
anmber of folks to thrust themselves forward, and talk loudly about 
whut they don't understand, the real praotical professional men 
remaining silent, as deeming it a wiser course to let well alone, and 
illow the Stage, which is *' a, self -educating profession," to educate 
itself, JPqc^ aignu .' 


<'Thi Frofosbd ITbW Ai^cno Expbdition.— A p^putation from the 
/mdon Central Aronc Gonunittee haa had an intenriew with the Lord 
f ATOR, with the Tiew of laying before him the acheme of a proposed 
ew Expedition to the North Pole. Mr. Pulbston, M.P.. introduoed 
be Deputation ; and amongat the other members of it were Captain Bbdford 
'iM, E.N., Commander Chbtnb, B.N., Mr. ChArlit, M.P., Mr. H. Gox- 
rBLL, the.aeronaut, and Mr. Aknand, the Canadian QoT^rnment JLgmi."— 

" It mnst be done; and Engrland shall 'do it," says the old Pilot 
1 Mr. MiLLAis's Picture— meaningr that the Union Jack mnst be 
oisted on the Forth Pole, and that Jack 'i the lad to hoist it. 
Lcoording to the new scheme, the speech should have come, not from 

Pilot, but a Pilot Balloon. Mr. Millais*s Picture was painted 
efore the failure of the last Arctic attempt of the Alert and Dis- 
overy, Jac^: Bull may be the lad to do it, but hardly the Lobd 
Latob, eyen with the aid of Mr. Goxw^ll, Commander Chbtvb, 
iaptain Bbdfoed Pix, and Dr. Sinits, particularly when their 
Ha of Polar attack is literally en Pair, being principalljr based on 
allooning, while their sinews of war are to be oontnbutions to be 
aused throughout the English Counties by Local Arctic Committees, 
f these Polar promoters succeed in raising the wind by such means, 
^unch is prepared to allow that they may not only reach, but carry 
ff, the North Pole in a Balloon. 

Punch hates to throw cold water on anything that aims at serving 

scienoe, and finds a field for pluck, and cold water seems the last 
thing to fling on a North Polar adyenture : but the line must be 
drawn somewhere. There are limits to Quixotism, eyen of the 
scientific or heroic kind ; and if they are fixed at latitude 82® north, 
Punch does not see who would be the worse for such fixing. 

A chain is only as strong as its weal^est point, and a Cheyne is no 

The employment of balloons to give the disooyerers a bird*s-eye 
yiew of the Pole deseryes at least the oredit of originality. But will 
it wash f Though Mr. Coxwxll is, naturally, most at home in the 
air, and thinks that as he has gone up at 48°. below freezing-point here 
there oan't be much difficulty in starting at the same temperature in 
the Arctic, Punch must protest against these preparations for a 
oostly perf ormanoe of Balloonaoy in the theatre of eyerlasting ice and 
eternal snow. 

Conudering l^at balloons defy stesMM, and that eyery hundred 
yards they go im the temperature goes oown, while there will be no 
Wd haulinff Md continuous moyement, as with sled^g -parties, 
to keep the MOOd in eiroulation, vedo^^t enyy the Arctic Mironauts. 
Mr. CoxwBf L thiPf R a Oaptiye B^Iooi^ had better be tried first, 

to ffdt a y)ew of the icebergs t^ead." Punch entirely agrees with 
h|fn, though hfi aan see icebergs euo^gh aheaa without any balloons. 
4t apy rate, if a Captive BaUoon Is to be used, don't let it be 
anoboi^ by a Cheyne. Iroi^, we know, is apt to snap imder sudden 
changes of t^peii^ture, and Is always ftange^us to han41# in high 

The LoEn WiTO^' wbb very poUtef and full of good wishes. Of 
oourse he anew nothing about the Aroti(3. mi nothing' about balloon- 
ing, but he was al?^ya g^lad ^o ret-Hiiy^ aepuUtkm^ of eminwt and 

. project ^ , , - w . . 

out," as we lanpy it is pretty ouruin to be by ^ny jur^ of scientific 
'* No doubt/' added ^e liOan MAjom '* (^Commander Chstvb's 

ried outj^' tor the sake of Commander Chxtkx himself, and all who 
may he supposed capable of linking on to him, would be by its being, 
once for all, carried out of the pale of serious discussion, and 
decently buried among other fantastic prcgeotSi iu the Limbo-land 
of Laputa. 

That is its ultimate destiny. Better it should be reached without 
previous loss of valuable life and waste of valuable money. 

Iieaming and Letters. 

" X. Y. Z." tells the Times, in a letter, 
How spelling miffht simplified be : 

Yery good, but perhaps it were better 
On that point to consult A. B. C. 

Tamed t'other Way (by a Tory). 

"Great and aaored words that symbolise noble and illustrioaa thoughts, 
but no man liviiig has done so much aa the Author of the quotation to turn 
them both topsy-torvy." — Sir W. Mareourt at Oxford, 

Impsbiuic et libertas.— *' Office and the Liberal Party." 

Xyaculation of an Old Toper. 

(Jfi <m0 of Br, Cameron* i JRetreaU,} 

"Watjr, water everywhere. 
But not * a drop to drink,* " 


{On the rteeni appointment of lord J. M.'s Brother-in-Zaw to the Registrar 

*' Let Hygiene, Yital Statistics die, 
But Jeave us still our old job-o-oracy I " 


Wbt are outside Jaunting Cars peculiar to the Irish ? 
Because you cannot put the menibers of a family face to f aoe, even 
going to Church, without a Row. 


Fob libel when a Blackguard's action 's tri^^, 
Juries lean mostly to the Plaintiffs sidel hv 





Jakxtabt 31, 1880.] 




Stoui Oentleman {whistling), **Phbw— -phbw— Lion I— Lion I— whibi thi 




Yes, it 's all too trne ; I 'ye bin and lost my sitiyation, 
Wus Inok. in winter time and ail ! Life 's jest a round of botheration. 
The nobs 'as all the plums, my dear, thev leayes ns 'ardly a Sultaney, 
I left quite suddent, all along o*~wnat d 'yer think P— a bit o' ohaney. 

Drat crockery, I sez, and most pertikler drat them there blue-and-white Chineses. 
Why did they go inwenting stuff as is the 'ousemaid's wust o' teases f 
' Twas bad enough when crockery's rigbt place was the kitchen dresser ; 
But now it 's all the go upstairs it 's wus. I pities my successor I 

I saw her 'Lizeb, sech red hands, and nubbly-like about the knuckles, 
Same as mv own. /know the sort, and— praps 'twas wicked, dear— I chuckles ; 
Thinks I, " them fingers will go blue and slippy, 'tain't no use their trying 
To holt on jimcraoks, when they 're cold, and won't there soon be Bob's-a-dying?" 

Fingers is curous ; mine '11 holt a broom with any gal in Brixton, 
But when it comes to knicknacks, lor I you think yer grip is firmly fixed OQ, 
When slips they ffoes, and there you are, athout the l^Ltlt o' warnings, 
Which fingers wiH go perished in cold water o' winter mornings. 

In oourse^ there 's no allowance made, and wot 's the use o' glycerining, 
Or warmmg of 'em at the gas P Corns, and the cold and constant deaning, 
Would spile the lily 'ands o' them as treats theim in a different maimer, 
Wil^ fluff-lined gloves and Kallydore, and twiddling on a grand peyanner. 

It's chaney, chaney, ererywhere, a source o' constant shines and rackets, 
The^ 'angs it all aoout the wails, and perches of it up on brackets. 
Till if you moves your elber sharp, or whisks your skirt, down flops a something, 
Which this new fad for crockery is what I calls a downright rum thing. 

Nasty iU-shapen smudged old pots, cracked saroers, cups athout no 'andles, 
Jugs as won't hold, and candlesticks in which they never sticks no candles, 
Goggle-eyed flidols, oeious things, as seems to me a sin to store 'em. 
But oless yer I toffs bia 'igh for 'em, and swell young ladies jest adore 'em* 

To see 'em patting of 'em soft like baby's cheeks, is quite disgusting,— 
Why that there faidjuB little god I went and smashed as I was dustmg 

They reglar kissed ; and when I told Miss Cynthy as I 'd 

gone and dropped it, 
The scolding, blubbering scene there was! I thought 

they never would a stopped it. 

They called me, oh I the frightful nameB,> Bohea-Moth, 

and a Fhilistian I 
At last I ups, and sez, sez I, '* This ain't no way to treat 

a Christian, 
It may have b'longed to Pompet Doob, and bin uneek, 

soopreme, and so on : 
Yet 'tis but clay, which flesh and blood can't stand the 

way you Ladies go on. 

** Orkurd," sez I, " I may be, which I 'm sorry for, but 

more by token. 
If folks with jimcracks go and stuff the blessed place, 

some must get broken : 
'Ousemaids ain't got no call in a ourosity shop jammed 

hup with crowtery. 
Dustpan and broom m this 'ere room, I sez, is reglar 

nght down mockery !" 

Th«t settled me ; .but there, I couldn't a 'elped it if 

Ihey 'd 'ung me for it ; 
And so you see poor 'ousemaids now is wictimised by one 

more worrit. 
Just $s if caps, no followers, and beetles wot you 

squosh in vain, 
Womt enough I Well, sech is life I 

Yours, out of place, 

JsMiMSB Jake. 


Mb. Justice Bbbtt has been speaking his mind from 
the Bench on the decay of the rude chivalry of fair-play 
in England since fightmg with fists went out, and kicking 
and knifing came in. 

The learned, and athletic jud^e — ^in his time, like 
Punch's excellent friend, Mr. Justice Dekmait, he pulled 
a good oar at his ' Varsity- declared his intention of deal- 
ing mercifully with death or damage brought about in 
fair fight. 

This seems to indicate that he holds in some degree with 
the opinion that the Prize-Ring tended to inculcate the 
unmanliness of hitting below uie belt, or striking a man 
when he was down. Perhaps these rules came less from 
the Prize-Ring than from the Saxon blood, in which the 
spirit of such rules, as well as the noble art of self-def enoe, 
was bred. 

At all events. Englishmen both practised and insisted 
on the laws of fair fighting before there was a P. R., 
and when cudgel play and quarter-staff were the rustic 
forms of the au6/2o mstead of fisticuffs. The P. R., it 
is to be feared, was the growth of a brutal time, and the 
concomitant of coarse and dissolute manners, as its 
decline and fall have kept pace with an improvement 
in general decency, education, and refinement. 

All the same, whether fisticuffs brought the love of 
fair play, or faith in fair play engendered fisticuffs. 
Justice Brett is right in denouncing the brutality of 
foul hitting, and, above all, of kickmg. Fists are— if 
not refined— at least manly weapons. Not so feet~ 
especially feet with boots on. But most brutal of booted 
feet are those used to kick not only men but women, 
and not women only, but wives I 

When are we to see our Jud^s making up a common 
mind to punish wife-kicking as it deserves, and no longer 
to allow the murder of a wife by sheer brutality to be the 
form of homicide which a man may commit with the 
surest prospect of a light punishment P 

Vot duite Bach, A False Prophet, Perhaps* 

What Sir Whxiax Habcottbt did prophesy— and 
whether the prediction prove false or true, he nnds a great 
many ready to back it— was that the first day, not of the 
next Sessionj but of the next Parliament, would be the 
last of the present Qovemment. May tnat last arrive, 
and may Punch be there to see it. 

SuKXAET OF Present Ejttebt. 
Oltmpic Theatbb.— J2t^Aton and Bri§hUm 



VOLt Lxxvm. 



[Jakuabt 31, 188a 


Good Yivcbnt Boubns's audadous Daw, 

Perched high upon a steeple, 
With oonstant note would caw and caw. 
In oool contempt of Church and Law, 
And peaceful people. 

like, yet unlike, that cynic hird. 
This peet of peaceful Churches 
With borrowed plumes that look absurd, 
And mimic croak too loudly heard. 
Stubbornly perches. 

A Jackdaw pert that none may scare, 

A foolish fowl but nois^. 
That sticks to his Established perch, 
Nor seeks a nest outside the Church, 
like honest Yotsky. 

Mid strange rites andstrange clothes at home, 

And self-reliant. 
This Daw, in feathers filched from Rome, 
Flaunts underneath St Alban's dome. 
Of Law defiant 

Sense siokois of his unctuous caw. 

To Judge and Bishop hateful ; 
Could scare-crow, or ox Church or Law, 
But put to flight this daring Daw, 
The world were grataull 

Youth has to learn the three R*s. Old 
Age has learned the three Y's—Yanity ! 
Yanity ! Yanity! 

<< Ohitty! Ohitty ! Piano ! Piano I " 

Mb. Chittt, Q.C., who is going in as Sir Ysiuroir Habcovbt's 
oolleagne at Oxford, is taking upon himself a weighty responsibility. 
Before he jogs on any further on the Parliamentary hobby, let him 
remember that 

<* Post JBguitif sedet atra onn." 


'*Zebo" presents his compliments to the Geological Society, and 
begs to be informed whether they do not think it probable that this 
country has arriTed at the oommenoement of another "OlaoiaL 
Period." . 

Motto fob itbbt well-obbsbbd Dikhsb-Table.—" No Larks!'* 

4 ^ 

Jakuabt 81, 1880J 





Hnx is a roeoimen of the traths which Mr. Pasitkll ib flinaingr 
broadetft in the States. The f olloldzig gems are from his speeon at 
Newark, a flourishing mannfaetuzing town of New Jersey, a few 
miles from New York :— 

** Last erening the cable told ui that the Britifh Gbrenment, unable to sweep 
back the movenient, had retorted to nuusaero. In Galway Coontj the police 
had fired upon the people. Such ooennenoes ihow us how terrible is the condi- 
tion of thingi in Ireluid. It ii part of the policy of the landlords to use the 
armed force as part of their method of eriction, and picture if you can what an 
erietion is I The house is broken into, the furniture broken by sledge-hammers. 
No respect is paid to age or sex, or eren to death. Although I am no advocate 
of force, yet, at the same time, such deeds as we hsTo heard of are enough to 
stir the hearts of the most patient people to use force. {AppUnm.) The 
English Press tell you of cattle diiabled and landlovdf shot, but they never 
specify any caie. ana now, after all the forbearance of the people, the Goyem- 
ment were the nrst to shed blood. I lay thoeepeople were murdered, and I 
say it fearlessly, snd I ■hall repeat it in the House of Commons when I get 
there. (Appfuuss,) That was noble conduct on the part of the people when 
they, with their brothers and sirters shot down beside them, still forebore from 
riolnice. It will hsrdly be beliered, but it was a fact in our last funine, that 
when com was seized by the landlords for rent it was burnt by them in the 
sight of the starring people. We desire to make the tenant-ftmners the 
owners-^that is our policy. {Appiam§4,) We think the system which puts 
middlemen between toose who own and those who work the land ii an artifi- 
cial system. You had landlords in this State once, but in your rough and 
ready method you aboUshed them. In France they had landlordt, but in the 
Berolution they were hung to the lamp-posts, tk Prussia they diyided the 
land and gave the landlords a third in small fragments. I am afraid it will 
be with our efforts as it was with the books of the Sibyl. She offered aU her 
books for a price, and on a refrisal went off snd burnt one snd come back and 
offered the rest, and so on until the price was paid for the one book that was 
left. The Irish landlords will reftise our offer, and we ■hall offer lees and lees 
until we get what we^want, and we shall rarely get it.' " 

' And yet in answer to these heart-rending appeals, these revolting 
oases <tf tyranny, oppression and outrage, Xfnole Sak omelly and 
oold-heartedly buttons np his poekets. When in spite of Paanbll. 
he sends relief to the starving and suffering Irish in the South ana 
Weet, left destitute hv the ornelty of the season, not of their land- 
lords, he prefers to do it through the Duohess of Mablbobouoh, 

or, if) Roman Catholic, the dergr of the party he desires to help, 
insteaid of Messrs. Pabitell and I)iLLOir. 

This is too oruel— neither trust their oratory for truth, nor their 
agency for relief I What does Uncle 8ak take them for ? 

For firebrands, perhaps, bent on spreading hate and lawlessness, 
anarchy and ruin, in the hopes of picking ixypularity and influence 
out of the mess. Or, perhaps, for agitators blinded by prejudice, 
eiddy with the fumes of mob inoense, and drunk with the wine of hate 
for the Saxon and unreasonins^ plaudits of the Celt For anything, 
in short, but for faithful desonoers of facts, or trustworthy enannSs 
of alms. Such is Uncle SiJi's ridiculous prejudice— much as he 
knows from experience of Irish nature and Irish agitation. 


The following letter has found its wa^ to 85, Fleet Street From 
internal evidence Mr. Punch imagines it must have been intended 
for one of his daily contemporaries :— 

Sib, January 26, 1880. 

' I Hiivx read with the greatest possible pleasure the com- 
munications evidently emanating from the j^urest of philanthropists 
which you have from time to time published in your valuable columns 
concerning the war between Chili and Peru. A great opportunity of 
practical benevolence offers itself at the present moment to the former 
countiy. Peru is beaten, hopelessly beaten ; and now is the hour 
for C^bli to set an example to the whole world moderation, kind- 
ness, and generosity. It is, indeed, a grand thouffht ! The Chilians 
aro a noble people, and they should be worthy of their roputation! 
But after aU, human naturo is human naturo ; and should *' the 
Knglish of South America" show any hesitation in pursuing the 
patn I am about to point out to them, it is my firm opinion that the 
Qreat Powers of Europe should employ their Moral Force in com- 
pelling them into it If Moral Force fails, why l^en the most 
peaceable amongpst us may discover the real use of those ** bloated 
armaments " which have caused so much vague and wide-spread 
apjprohension. In a word, a "Menace to the Peace of Europe," 
might be turned into a ** Source of the Prosperity of South America." 

It is unnecessary to enlarge upon the horrors of war. To every 



[Jakuabt 31, 1880. 

one with the least imag^ation the words oall np yisions of desolate 
homeS) weeping widows, rained industries, ana starving orphans ! 
So terrible a sconr^ is war, that although Chili may have been 
thoroughly in the right, although treaties may haye been broken, 
and defiance hurled by Peru, still it is her duty to make peace on 
any terms — I repeat, on any terms. 

At the same time, " any terms," is rather a large phrase, and so 
that there may be no mistake, I jot down the basis of an agreement 
which I would suggest should be signed immediately. 

1. Peace to be made between Chili and Peru at once. 

2. Chili being the conqueror, to consent to all the demands of Pern. 
Noblesse oblige, 

3. Chili to undertake never to go to war again. 

4. Chili to increase her taxes and reduce her expenditure. 

6. Both countries to disarm, and tiie ChUian Fleet to be sold for 
the benefit of the world. 

6. (And most important of all). Chili to become directly respon- 
sible tor debts owing to foreigners by Peru. 

This, Sir, I submit would be a satisfactory conclusion to the 
heart-rending war now ravaging the most productive portion of 
South America ! 

As an earnest of the thorough disinterestedness of my advice, 1 beg 
to sign myself, Yours respectfully, 


Htynar^s Eetreatf Slpfoxbury, 


GOOD people, friends, 
and fellows of sym- 
pathetic soul. 
Take pity on the sorrows 

of a Bishop in the hole. 
A Schismatic to plighted 
vows unfaithful and 
Defies and disobeys me — 
and I know not what 
to do. 

A Clerk in Holy Orders, 
with a craze for Romish 

Persists in burning in- 
cense, lighting up for- 
bidden lights, 

Strikinpr attitudes illegal, 
wearing vestments oon- 

Fljingin Lord PsirsAKOi^s 
face, and the teeth of my 

The Arches' Court admonished him— ^e didn't care a straw, 
And now he stands suspended, but he still contemns the law* 
Continuing to play the Priest, in pseudo-popish trim. 
Though he commit contempt of Cocurt, the Court commits not him* 

Because one fool makes many— fools are constituted so-* 
And of all fools, fools made martyrs in their wake make others go, 
If I wished our mimic Mass-Priests with the Public to prevail, 
I 'd say—** Send yonder simious saoerdotalist to gaol.'' 

To mandate of suspension I bv force could make him bow. 
But then, you see, 1 daren't ao that for fear there 'd be a row ; 
They want to start another suit ; though, if condemned once more. 
He 'U treat Law's brtUumfulmen as serenely as before. 

The tinkle of that bell-wether misleading I must brook. 
And let him with his errant flock elude the shepherd's crook ; 
Though a queer sheep 's this, whose kicking against the pricks rerettls 
More of the long-eared animal that spurns rebuke with heels. 

Or his emblem seeking rather in the stve than in the fold, 

Best type of this obstructive in its paonyderm behold. 

Pig-hecided, he lades logic, or petsuasions pushing home, 

He had gone the wh(de hog long ago from Inland's Chiuroh to BdHM^. 

But now he is his private Pope ; no Bishop he '11 obey: 
Non possumue he answers when bid put his pranks away; 
No episcopal superior can make him torn a hair. 
The more Law pegs away at him the more he doem't carel 

Latest from BrBiawoHiiM.— Our Reform Club has canrmeDced. 


Chvemment Drama, vn Two Aets-^not yet licensed. 


" The telegraphs were given over to the Post-Offioe in February, 1870, not 
for the advantage of the department, but Bolely for the good of the community 

BcEJSTE^The neighbotirhood of a Public Department in 1870. 
JSnter Unprotected Briton, pursued by Demons of Private Enterprise. 

Unprotected Briton (flourishing a written dispatch). I tell you 1 
want to send it to Slocum-in-the-Slush. 

First Demon. Do you P Then you may take it there yourself. 

Second Demon, Rather ! How do you think we can afford to lay 
lines wherever you like *em, eh P [ They dance round him. 

Unprotected Briton. Nay, harass me not I 1 only know this is 
preposterous, and that I shall write to the Times, But, will no one 
help me P 

Gong. The Bpirit of Paternal Government appears in a blaze 

of limelight. 

Spirit of Paternal Oovernment. I will ! {The Demons cower.) 

There is no limit either to my benevolence or to my banking account. 

See, you can now send your message to Slocum-in-the-Slush for the 

charge of one shilling ! 

I Waves his wand. New lines ramify in all directions. The 
Unprotected Briton kneels in grateful wonder. 
Demons of Private Enterprise. Ha ! ha! But a day will come I 

[^Exeunt doum traps in red fire. 
Spirit of Paternal Oovernment. Possibly. But for the moment 
there do not exist two more blithe and contented individuals than 
the Spirit of Paternal Government- — 

Unprotected Briton. And his new protSgS, the Protected Briton I 

Tableau. Act-drop, 

ACT ll. 

*'The present claim of the Post-Office is nothing less than an attempt to 
stand between the public and the full utilisation and enjoyment of a great 
scientific improvement." — Bailj/ Faper, 

BcXNE — The Premises of a new Scientific Company, in 1880. 

Enter Protected Briton, pursued by the Demon of 

Paternal Government. 

Protected Briton [seizing mouth^nece of ingenious apparatus). But 
I teU thee, persecuting Fiend, I will communicate with Wapping by 
tlds excellent arrangement I And not even thy grasping monopoly 
shall stay me. See, it leaves thy clumsy, old-fashioned, halting 
machinery nowhere f 

{^Endeavours to conduct a conversation through it 

Demon of Paternal Oovernment (draaging him away), Not a word, 
minion, shall you utter, except througn me. Success has made me 
proud. Say that I take two hours to transmit your nine words to 
the other side of Billingsgate. What of that P Ton are my crea- 
ture— my slave. Hat ha I After Eight p.m», try to eommunioate 
with— even Chelsea, and see what comes of it I 

Protected Briton. Mocking monster, thy rule is o'er I Behold,^- 
these are my new friends ; and they will help me I 

The Scene opens and discloses the Angels of Private Enterprise 
descending in a silvery shower of Prospectuses, 

First Andel of Private Enterprise, Certainly, and we hope to 
make a good thing of this. The divine light of scienoe can never be 
quenched for mere fiscal considerations. 

Second Angel of Private Enterprise, Never I especially when a 
great public interest is to be considered, and a handsome dividend 

Protected Briton, Benevolent 'beings, charge me, ultimately, 
what you will I To-day, at least, I am yours. 

Demon of Paternal Government {seiztng him). Never I Ten years 
ago you signed this irrefragable compact with me {produces Act of 
Parliament), Come. Ton are mine i 

Angels of Private Enterprise. Walker I Compel him, if you can. 

Demon of Paternal Oovernment. I will, with this ! ( Waves hand. 
An Attorney-General springs up through a Vampire-trap.) See, 
my attendant spirit is about to wage an appeal n>r an interim in- 
juncticm in the Exchequer Division. Ha! ha I And now,— do your 

[Tableau. Angels of Private Enterprise consuUinig a Solicitor. 
ProteOted firiton writing to the Times. CSmrtain. 

" HLa Nuo^ Sehia Drcxnrr nr Mala " {freely translated hy Our 
School-boy at home for the holidays.)— *^ Cs^Ua oil follows Christmas 

January 31, 1880.] 




(On the Frontier— ^etu)een\8cience and Misgiving,) 

Punch's fonotioii is to see and present the hnmorous side of 
things. But he is qnite aware that most things haye a serious side, 
besiaes, and that yery often nothing suggests the serious side so 
strongly as the yiew oi the humorous one. And growing out of the 
serious side of things, are questions so serious that eyen Punch, with 
all his propensity to laugh, can't make fun, or make light of them. 
Thus, tuffb as he is. ana with the wholesome fear of the PaU Mall 
before his eyes, and the knowledge that if he asks himself and other 
people disagreeable questions, or dares to feel, or say he feels, un- 
oomfortable about our doings in Afghanistan, he must make up his 
mind to be called an unpatriotic and disaffected wretch who gloats 
oyer national difBlculties— he cannot help asking, a propos of our 
latest intelligence from that troublesome and tumultuous Afghan- 
istan, which we are making ** friendly, united, and independent," in 
such an original fashion, — 

Is IT TBUB, that 25,000 Ghazis haye collected fifty miles from 
Cabul, and intend adyancing on the Capital P 

Is IT TRUE, that large quantities of supplies are being ooUeoted for 
them in the Logar Valley P 

Is IT TBUE, that Mahomed Jan has written to the Chief of the 
Lughmams, who has 20,000 followers ready to co-operate with him 
in an attack on the British P 

Is IT TBUs, that on aU sides there is eyery indication of prepara- 
tions for a serious and well-organised rising P 

Is IT TBUE, that General Eobsbts, in Vie midst of all this, has 
with him at Shirpur a force of only 3,000 effectiye European troops, 
and 4,800 natiyesP 

Is rr TBUE, that in spite of the undesirable {^ayity of the situa- 
tion, the Yiceroy, and those who direct him, either can't, or won't 
say whether the country is to be eyaouated, or annexed, and kaows 
absolutely nothing of what will be done with it, if it is to be 
permanently held r 

Is IT TBUE, that the Cabinet know no more on the subject, nay, if 
possible, eyen less, than Lord Ltttoit P 

Is IT TBUB, that Russia has succeeded in trailing a gigantic and 
costly red-herring across the scent for us in Central Asia, and may 
congratulate herself on seeing both the Jingo and Alarmist packs in 
full cry after it P 

Is IT TBUE, that the present aspect of Asian and African alEairs 
warrants Mimsterial crowing P 

Akd is it tbxtb, that the country finding itself inyolyed in graye 
anxiety, and saddled with heayj expenditure, owing to tiie fight oyer 
a north-eastern frontier, scientific or otherwise, and the tales that hang 
thereby. Lord Beaconsfield will require something stronger than 
a new phrase to satisfy us that a lime-hght policy lends either dignity 
or security to a great Empire P 

Phosbus and Oyntliift. 
A lbctubb is reported to haye been lately deliyered at the British 

registering and obserying_„ 

twelye months the opportunities presented for the Inyestigation of 
sunshine haye been exceedingly rare. BuL in a world where decep- 
tion and illusion oyer abound, there are always abundant facilities 
for obserying and registering moonshine. 


This island is one of the Bociefy Islands— though a long way from 
the others. Great Britain is an island of societies, some reasonable, 
others ridiculous. Success to a Social AUianoe with something like 
a sensible purpose— the Streets Accident Preyention Society. A 
meeting of uie sode^ aboye-named was waited upon a few days ago, 
at tiieir offices in Bishopsgate, by a deputation representing the 
London Cab Proprietors. Precautions for the protection of life and 
limb must, of course, inyolye expense. For example, the compelling 
cabs to carry lights at night womd cost something. 

Of course it was not the mere cost of proyiding lamps that the cab 
proprietors objected to. *' The cab-interest," said a Mr. Mkrby, 
'* objected to cabs being selected aboye aU other yehides for tiie inyi- 
dious distinction of beins: obliged to carry lights." This, howeyer, 
he was told the Society cud not press for. It desired lights to be 
obligat(nry on all yehides at n&hts, *' down to a oostermon^er's 
barrow." But the cab interest had further arguments to urge against 

'* Mr. Knco. another cab proprietor, said it was a question whether lights 
on cabs at .nignt did not actually cause accidents, as the * hansoms,' which 
carried lightSj caused more acddents than the four-wheeleis, which did not as 
a rule carry lights." 

Mr. Enra did not argue that oab-lights attract silly people as 
candle-lights do moths, or assist pHeryerse simpletons to ret into 
the way of cabs on purpose. Waiting the connection of cab-lights 
with cab acddents in the way of cause and effect, he went on to 
plead that those accidents occurred from yarious causes— most of 
them the fault of those whom they befdL This part of the argu- 
ment was illustrated by one more speaker in the cab interest^ a Mr. 
Casb, in particular, putting the cabmen's case thus : — 

*'The fact was the public stood on the kerb of a road, and, instead of look- 
ing to the right for the coming traffic, dashed towards the road with their faces 
to the left, where the traffic was going, and so themsd?es caused accidents." 

This is'somethin^ new. Most people imagine that^street traffic runs 
to and fro, from right to 1^ and vice vered. But, assuming that 
eyerybody well knew it ran aU one way, Mr. Ca5b continued ;— 

*' Newipapers and the Magistrates sometimes held that the public had a 
right to the road ; but the Superior Courts had ruled that the public had a 
right only to the pathway, and that the roadway was to be used by passen- 
gers with care and judgment. If a person crossed the road where there was 
no crossing, he was bound to use special care, while a driver had to use care 
at crossings." 

In saying this Mr. Case probably meant to say no more than he 
said. But perhaps what too many a cabman may imagine him 
to haye meant is, that the driyer is bound to driye carefully oyer 
crossings only, and that eyerywhere else in the open street it is 
soldy the concern of the foot-passenger to look out for himself, and 
mind not to get driyen oyer, care not to driye oyer him not being 
the cab-driyer s business at aiL To disabuse both cabmen and cab 
proprietors of this impression will, of course, be one of the first 
busmesses of the Street Acddent Preyention Sodety. 

In the meanwhile the ideas of cabmen with regard to crossings 
may be a matter for the attention of Mr. Cboss. The Bight Hon. 
Gentieman will, perhaps, also consider what it is that renders it 
imposdble to msike cabs carry lights in the British Metropolis, while 
they are made to do so in other European Capitals. 


A orarruEHAK of the Bar on Circuit at Camaryon informs a 
contemporary of the following facts : — 

While Mr. Justice GaoyE was trying prisoners in the Crown Court 
at that place^ a single prisoner, awaitmg his trial on the morrow at 
the Beaumaris Assizes for a triyial offence committed in the next 
County, Anglesey, lay confined a few yards off in Camaryon Gaol. 

This solitary captiye would haye to be conyeyed to Beaumaris, 
there to take his trial before a Judj^e who, but for that single case 
on the Calendar, would haye been entitied to a pair of white kid gloyes. 
As neitiier was there any dyil cause to be tried. High Sheriff, Grand 
Jurors, County officials, and Common Jurors would all haye to attend 
and meet Her Majesty's Judge, with nothing more to do among 
them aU than try this accused unit. 

But for '* the infiexibility of existinff arrangements," the prisoner 
could haye walked oyer the way ana had his case disposed of at 

As it was, Judge and Prisoner, in order that the former might try 
the latter, were required to trayd some sixteen miles into the 
next county, perhaps by the same traii^J2'^H h\ 

Charged with but a triyial offence, this solitary prisoner probably 
was not eyen handcuffed. If he was, would not the most appro- 
priate material for his manades haye been red tape P 



[January 31, 1880» 


Mrs. Fbikk Jouboib, as shx still 

80 I 

Moral.— Dax^T Sap at thb Gbidiron, or ant othbb Club. In poikt of fact, don't Sitp at all I 

Mrs. Frank Jolibois, as shi appxabs, 


TO THB World in obnebal : and a vbbt 
obarming Person she is when onob tou 
know hbb i 

Mrs. Frank Jolibois, as she appeabs 
TO the Samb, when he has been Sdppinq 

TIMES will! 


(Judged hy the Setting One,) 
Old Star loquitur-- 

''LAmoal Factotum n^ All I 
Feels the character, no doubt. 

"Hailed as leading buffo?" Bah I 
Older hands could bowl him out. 

Of my quality a touch 
Might perhaps his pride diminish. 

Lots of go "—maybe too much— 
But no nnish I 

Bellows plenty, acting fair, 
Phrasing sometimes really neat, 

Bat he overmarks the i 
Surest proof of green ooncdt. 

Nedds no end of tact to tell 
How to inana^>?ort<»rt— 

Deals too much in triU and swell, 
Flash and fury. 

Tonfoure perdrix— say, 

Dish that is all Sauce piquante^ 
Palls on palate. *Twill not pay— 

This crude vigour that you vaunt. 
Forte and staccato tire ; 

Dolce does it very often. 
Florid force and fii^work fire 
Art should soften, 
dear cantabile, with swell 

And crescendo now and then— 

That 's the sort of thing to tell, 
With the general run of men. 
Public has a taste for throats 
That can run the scale— it fires 
But a song mat's all top-notes 
Quickly tires them. 

Much to learn, my Buffo bold I— 
Though your *^ means" are fairly 
Ere the house you fix and hold 
As a leading Singer should. 
Mellowness, restramt. and tone. 

Taste of point and nash less greedy : 
These are things to make your own— 
Experto crede 1 

Bark and Bite. 

Me. Smelfunotjs writes to suggest that as Quinine is the known 
specific for Ague, and as sufferers in the cold fits of the shakes are 
Chilly 'uns, par excellence, no doubt the Chilians owe their recovery 
from their cold fits to having taken the Peruvian Bark, not, how- 
ever—under its usual name of Chinchona, but Huascar. 


The House of Representatives of the United States have voted 
Mr. Pabnbll a reception in their Chamber. Suppose thev kept him 
there till they see how they like him as a Representative Man. 

Aboa7!d ttie BACCfTANTS.—A False Alarm— the Boyal Tattoo. 

Bisorganisation of Cliarity. 

A BENEVOLENT man, named Gabdneb, has left a sum of no less 
than £300,000 for the benefit of the blind. Let us hope that most 
of this money is not destined in ti^e long run to be expended on 
bricks-and-mortar, and so prove less beneficial to the Blind than 
tiie Builder. 


One true thing Pabnell said in his Newark speech the other 
day — 
** Wb in Ireland are not listened to in England." 
Would we oould add, ** Npr in Ireland either"^ i^ \ 


Messmates.— Waders in ike mud of the London streets after a thaw. 




Dinitizftd hv 
'BzsDizzr {the O'J Professional). ** H'M I PLENTY OP * GO '—BUT NO FINISH I 


Digitized by VnOOQ IC '^ 

Januabt 31, 1880.] 





The True Function tf the Dura Mater t 
By Mrs. Btschx Rodd. 
Fiora of the Islande. By Chables Ed- 


On the Incubation of Bahbits, By an 
Inhabitant of Co'ny Hatoh. 

On the Preservation of Unstable EquUi' 
brium. By Professor Blokdebt. 

New Ethnographical Studies from Zulu- 
land. By Sir Thomajb Whetham. ^ith 
UluBtrations by Alderman Notiaob. 

A Run on the High Sea. By Signor 

Mountain Gorges; or^ My Pic-nics 
Afhong the Alps, By an Alderman. 

Analysis of Enalish Metres, By the 
Chairman of the Chartered Ghis Company. 

How I Came to be Landed on the Nasal 
Promontory, By Commander Bsin)iGO. 

'* Alone upon the Watch.'* Dedicated to 
Mr Uncle. By Orflbt Habdup. 

M.S. Opera, ** The Watering Pot of Cast 
Iron," A Companion to " The Rose of 
CastiU:' By Yakoob Khaw. 

In the Bight Place. 

With Chablbs in the Chamber of Horrors, 
And Tbact's wreath npon show, 

Who dares say Peaoe with Honour 
Is not found chez Madame TussAnn P 


^* Magnum bedifal e^i pHrsimonid^*^ sayi the ocm^liead— which 
the LoBD Matob, following: Lord DbrBT*b lead, m% been setting: to 
his lieges of London, by prtBsidififf orel- a Conference of the Thrift 
Society, at the Mansion House, on the 87th Ult» 

What the Thrift Society mar haye done, or be aaintt Punch is, he 
blushes to say, ignorant. Aline knows is that like most sooi6ties» 
it has been asking for money—its list of Yioe-Pfesidents heing 
followed by a notice, to which he gladly giyes his {publicity t— 

<*That ftinds to oarnr on and derelop the Wotk of the Kailpnai fblift 
Society are much needed, and will be thankfulljr reeelred ht me TreasuhNr or 
Secretary, at the London Offices, 14, Finsbury Oireus, £.0i 

Any sowing of the seed of Thrift in the tefy ntiiltet/^tfotnd ci 
Mammon, which we take the Citf to be. ought to be of gnod omen. 
Thrift is an old-fashioned t>lant) which oilate has Hot be^ supposed 
to flourish, as of old, along with Londim PHdd. 

Let us hope the two growths will henoeforUi blossom side hf Me. 

The Conference Pn^gtatntoe inoluded a paper, or speeoh^Why 
not saye pen and ink by the use of tongue f— by ProfesscMr LleoHB 
Lsyi on, the Margin for Saying.'' Suppose the Professof hdd fol- 
lowed it up by a song i— 

Ain— « Oh the Margin of Zurich* sfki^ waters,'* 

On the margin for MiTinr 'b my qoartersi 
In a garden with " thrifl '* planted gay. 
Where my lectures will teach wiyes and dattgkierM 
To make their pounds go the most way. 
The pence if they '11 prudently spare, 
The pounds of themielyes wiutake eare-* 
Oh, lilt to me, Ladies, I pray— 
If a margin for earing you 'a lay— 
That Uthe way! 

Then Mr. Blakcbaed Jereold diieoursed on ** Thrift amoflgst tke 
French Peasantry,*' Among our own clodboi>perR, with IJ** a ueek 
to find husband, wif^t and family in clothes and fthelter^ food ana 
fire^ there does not seem to be a wide margin lor the cultiration ol 
thrift, but sutiie thing:, no doubt, coiild be done, above all by mtHfe 
knowledge how to make money go fartbeat in food, for whitTi Eng- 
land looks to SoTith Ken BID rkon and Mr, BiTC£itABT^fi< Wby did 
not A« figure among the '*llirift'* lecturers as the repreientative 
of the tfijift of gof^d eookery^ by the side of Dr. KicnARUftOK. as the 
teacher of thrift in drink. What branch of thrift Cardinal Mait- 
VDre represented we know not. At all eyeEtSf iUrift deserres to bei 
if it is not, a card in a] Yiriiie. 

Listead of a couuibuUoii in cash| Punch offers the Society a feW 
of his own ideas on the subject of Thrift. 

Gash is the good fairy of the storr of life; credit the ogre, the 
wicked giant that swallows up every body and eyerytiiing. 

The guinea is a stupid anachronism. 

Of all modem disooTeries the most valuable is the florin : it defies 
arithmetic, both mental and physical, to calculate the immense 
saving Uiat has accrued from the substitution of this coin for the 
haU-trown* The superiority of liie threepenny over the fourpenny- 
pieee muet be obvious to the meanest capacity. 

A tiebny Mlteu (in a Penny Bank) is a penny gained. 

^Vhen yon oome home from your omce or counting-house or 
chambers, put on an old ooat, and so be at once oomfortable and 

^et^f eall II cab.if you can catch an omnibus ; never ride in either 
if Jim con Walk* * . . 

Ni'irleut not the diurnal pin. 

1 irn uliLt a ** palwr-sparing " Pops : turn used envelopes inside out ; 
t^ar off an<l ttilii te account blank pages of notes received. 

Nerer be Inle { eten when you sit over the fire, employ yourself 
usefully in pickmjr up the cinders. 

One &f euy Ma poets speaks, deprecatingly, of ''wasting in 
deipaii- ;" Wd not you waste in anu mood or state of mind. 

Xikke eare of the pence, and the halfpence too. 

Homage to the family joint I 

Bternly diseounienanoe all Jeers and jibes at that etoellent dish— 
oold muttoili 

I^muiiarise your children early with such terms aa* " readv 
money," *'oash paymenta," •* diwount," "economy," "income," 
and '^expenditure." 

Eead to them, as a great trjMit, narrativeB of poor boys coming to 
London with half-a-crown in their pocket and retiring from busi- 
&€i8 worth half a ndllion. 

WhMl you take your younsp folks out for a walk, let it have at its 
*' objeetite)" a Savings Bank, a Provident Institution, or a-Self- 
Bupp(^rting Dispensary, Point these buildings out with the appro- 
^^te moral* 

Think twiee, ii&r thrice, before you change a sovereign. 

Do you wash at homeP If vou can answer "Yes," you may 
with Mopriety attend a "Thrift Conference." Are you bright, 
ehemul, and good-tempered on each recurrence of this fixture in 
the Qomestio eal^dar f Are you more than resigned to cold meat— 
do iron like it f If so, you are ex-cifficio entitled to move a resolution. 

Do not deny yourself rational amusement. Resort to the national 
niuseumB ana galleriee on those days when they are open free, enjoy 
the pnblle parks and monuments, gaze into the shop windows, and 
llUtfease yonf lu^quaintanoe with the drama and music whenever you 
eii^|U(et idmisdims fbr nothing. 

. WhelheP yon tegetate on a pound a week or are burdened with fifty 
IhrniiiM a year, wnether your nrden is the size of a billiard-table, 
£ is roomy u a small park— let your borders be-^ thick with 
nkrift^Thrifl—fiyothing but Thrift ( O O O 

LoBD Bbacoksitblb'i Fakct— " Peaoe with Honour." Mr. Glad- 
btouk's— " Peace, with Homsr." 

January 31, 18f0.] 




Conductor (putting his head inside). **Only boom job OiiB, wmoH shall wb »avb ? " 

Stout Old Gentleman. "The Littlb One ! " Nice Young Oewtleman. "Tab PBBihnr Onb ! " 


THE"mighty Mabcus, scaroely breathed 

From sleet of ChriBtmas Card, 
In card-hoii8e of St. Valentine 

Holds us a^ain at Wabd ! 

Wit|i Hearts and Darts, and Loves and Doyes, 

And floating Fays and Flowers, 
Weaving: usj three weeks in advance. 

The daintiest of bowers I ... 

With too much of them thrust on ns, 
' £ 'en soft sweet things seem hard. 
Must Punch, mnst England, old and young. 
Henceforth " live by the card " ? 

For ever on the watch for Wabd, 

Or rueing Db la Rub, 
Without whose cards in days of old 

One wonders how time flew. 

Those constiant cords, that, weeks ahead, 

Come knocking at our doors ; 
Eo pretty, we can't shut them out, 

So thick, they pile our floors. 

This card-play may be play to you, 

In death to me may end, 
Who have to fall in little loves 

To whom your loves to send. 

Forbear, Wabd, Db la Rxtb, 

Draw your cards mild for me ; 
Sofhcient, surely, for the day 

The card thereof should be I 

Spite of the food your card-play finds 

For printers, artists, bards. 
Would that the year, like Hymen's lists, 

Could be inscribed " No Cards! " 


That Ministers may not be taken bjy surprise, Mr. Punch begs to 

Sublish a list of subjects, as to whidi information will probably 
ave to be given before the close of the coming Session. 

Lord Baaconsfieid. — Exact definition reouired of a Scientific 
Frontier— (a) in North Western India ; (6) in Bouth Africa. 

Lord iS'a/u&ury. — Further information desired relative to — (1) 
Asia Minor ; (2) Cyprus ; and (3) Egyptian Finance. 

Lord Cran&rooA;.— Explanation expected with regard to " Rules 
to be observed by Special Correspondents attached to armies in the 
field." (1.) Why tney were made. (2.) Why they were rescinded. 

Lord John 3fanntfr«.— More light to be thrown upon the relations 
of the Post-Office Authorities and the Telephone. 

Mr. W. W. H. iSmii^ A.— Intelligence will oblige on the positioii of 
the Royal Marine Artillery, and the ThundererU surviving gun. 

Colonel Stanley. — Full explanation of the scheme for forming a 
corps of Army Reserve Officers, and an outline of the future of the 
Yoiunteers. . 

Mr. Cross.^TletL in confession and avoidance to charges of recent 
jobs, and observations invited on Railway negligence in general, and 
shunting, accidents in particular. 

JFirst Commissioner of Public Works. — Production of any plans 
that the Office may be prepared to recommend or consider for the 
scavenging of streets, the planting and flowering of open spaces, and 
information as to any shove that can be given to tne rather slow 
movement for the insoribinff of street-names on street-lamps, for 
the oonvenience of night-walkers or night-riders in London. 

Secretary for /refam/.— Statement of measures in contemplation 
for relief of distressed districts. 

And Chancellor of the Exchequer. -^koj scheme he may be 
prepared with for improving the condition of tne Government Writers, 
and any standing order in contemplation for getting Irish Obstrootum 
out of the way. ^^ j 

Dinitizftd hv V^OOQIC 
Spbllihg Refobm iir Spain.— A pronuncMimMn^. 



[January 31, 1880. 


{In TufC Lff Mirths B}u$ and ths True.) 

hloeal! of blue-blood the 
AloohoPs and Chlo- 
rine's daughter, 
Youth and beauty that 
Night's long watches 
making shorter. 
Blithely raise a peean 
Bound thy fount of 
blessings, Chloral ! 

Toes no more in yigils 

liiffh no more for day- 
light's peeping ; 
Sweet and soft falLithy 

In its calm worn spirits 

Truly " Amor vincit om- 

Chloral's love can cure 

ChlobalI spawn of depths abysmal, 

Spring of restless^eiM and raving, 
Fancies sick and visions dismal- 
Source of still insatiate craving. 
When the once-blest light auroral 
Breaks thy feverish spell, oh Chloral, 

Comes Reaction's Nemesis, 
And the soul in Tophet sinking, 

Woos again thy fatal kiss — 
Woos. and ends in endless drinking, 

TiU to tne unplumbed abysm 

Sink thy victims, Chlorausm I 


As the Metro^litan Fire Brigade is a deserving body, and as any 
Charity using its name, whemer oolourably or honesUj^ is very 
likely to be met with o^ea hand and purse, it may be well for Punch 
to give the benefit of his publicity to a cautioniury paper which has 
been put into his hakids, warning the public against applications in 
a name that may easily be mistaken for that of the Metropolitan 
Fire Brigade. The oiroular is pithily couched, thus :— 

« London and Bubukban Firb Brioadb and Disabled Firxmbn's 
Rblibf and Pbnsion Association. Ofilee: East Temple Chamben, 
Whitefnars, E.C.— It is not necessary to eaution the Public against aub- 
■cribing to the abore, when they see the Working Conunittee, Secretary, 
Trea8urer,*Captain, Colleotor, List of Pensioners, &o., &o. ; but they can see 
for themaelyes whether it is worthy of support. I will give you a list of the 
abore : — SecretarpSAUV^L Simson Bbccombb. TrsMurer^BAMVEL 
SiMSON Sbccombb. Sole CommitUe—SjLUV-aij Simson Sbccombb. Sole 
Feneioner (»)— Samuel Simson Sbccombb. Captain^ Br iff ade^SkuvBL 
Simson Sbccombb. Collector — Samubl Simson Sbccombb. Private 
Address, 41, Hill Street, Peckham. — There is no such Fire Brigade in exist- 
ence. There is no such Pension Association in existence. There is no such 
Committee, excepting S. 6. Sbccombb. There are no such Pensioners, ex- 
cepting S. 8. Bbccombb. Two men have had three months' imprisonment 
for coUeeting for the above Shams.— For further particulars ajpply at any 
Metropolitan Fire Station, or any branch of the Charity Orgamsation 


Ik the first rank of the Gommittee of Management of ** The House- 
holders' Pure Milk Supply " Assooiatioa, stands the name of our old 
friend " Simpson I " Sdcpson, who has so often milked the oow with 
the iron tail^ that in the language of the milk-walk he has beoome 
identified with the animal I Sdcpsok » Pumi> I . 

A Householders' Pure Milk Supply Association, with '*Sikp80h" 
in the forefront of it, reminds Punch of the old Scotch story— it is 

we 're fiitting,** answered the family ghost h^m inside the chum. 

So ** Simpson" seems to speak out of the pail of tiie *' House- 
holders' Pure Milk Supply Association." Let us hope the Association 
will not prove the old farce, ** Simpson ft Go." in another dress I 



Me. Punch, 

It has been said that the only qualification which' fiKr 
Brtsgss Hennikbr possesses for the jpost to which he has recently 
been appointed by the Prime Minister is that he is a well-connectod 
baronet. This is one of those half truths whicJi are often more mis- 
leading and more ii^'urious to those whom they ooncem than delibe- 
rate misstatements. It is no doubt true— and you may make the 
most of it— that the Registrar-General comes of an old family, and 
that the Postmaster-General takes a fraternal interest in him. For 
the matter of that, you and I are of ancient lineage, and yotL at any 
rate, excite more interest every week in the minds of Her MjBJesty's 
Ministers than any number of well-connected baronets can hope to 
do during their eoUeetiye lifetimes. But Sir Bbtdoss has oiaimB 
on the Gonserratiye P^rty such as you and I will never have. 

Your memory is so retentive that it is hardly necessary that I 
should remind you of his connection with the Felstead affair. Mr. 
Gbignon had for many years been notorious throughout the oountry, 
not merely as a mdleiil schoolmaster, but as what was far worse, a 
successful one, It is painful to think of the number of ingenuous 
lads, panj of them the sons of Conservative parents, whom he im- 
bued in his time with revolutionary nrinciples. You will remember 
the short work whioh was made ot him by Sir Bbtdgsb sitting 
as Chairman with )d» compact little body of true-blue co-trustees. 
They did their duty thoroughly on that occasion ; and no English 
Gentleman of proper feelings will ^dge Sir Bbtdges his reward 
for the Spartan nrmness mth which &en as now he disregarded 
the impotent outcry oi his victim and his sympathisers, ,and the 
venomous abuse &i the Radical Press. And do you think, ,Sir, 
that Lord Bhaoonbfibld forgets these things P 

Of all parts of the body-politic there is none in which the reten- 
tion of a Conservative spirit is more absolutely necessary than in the 
Civil Service. Of late years, I regret to say, there have not been 
wanting symptoms that all is not as it shoula be in it. For some 
time*^ast there have been mutterings, more or less indistinct, at the 
appointments more or less numerous of young gentlemen more or 
less well connected and deserving more or less light and lucrative 
non-competitive appointments in the majority of our public offices. 
This sort of thing, Sir, must be put down with a strong hand. 
Clerks must be taught to know their places, and to keep their mouths 
shut. And, trust me, the military training of Sir Bbidoes Hsn- 
NiEBBwill stand him in good stead in dealing with this class of 
perscms. I shall be much surprised if he does not Yery soon read one 
or two of them a lesson they will not readily forget, if they try to 
come any of Mr. Gbignon's tricks over him. 

You may depend upon it, that in putting him at the head of an 
important €k)vemment Department, those who are responsible for 
his appointment have for once got the right man in the right place. 
And so say his Sisters, and his Cousins, and his Aunts, as well as 
yours truly, 


Extra-Parliamentary Utterances. 

( JFilliam'e Light <m them.) 

** To see tlus age !— A sentence Is but a cheveril glove to a good wit ; how 
quickly the wrong side may be turned outward ! " 

Twelfth Night, Act IH. s. 1. 


[Punch has much pleasure in publishing this fair and temperate 
correction of an error into which he unwittingly fell.] 

To the Editor of Punch. 
Sm, — ^Althou^h only a Publican, I feel certain that you will not 
refuse to read, if you do not insert, a word or two anent the above 
article. In it you say :— 

'* In the eleren Sundays on which the Gallery of the Institution has been 
open, 51,678 persons have visited it, most of them of the class to whom the 
Public is the only available Sunday recreation between two and five, hours 
during which Public-houBes are open, and Churches closed." 

Now. the latter part of this remark is not strictly oerrect. The 
Act obliges us to close at three o'clock, and re-open at six. There is 
but little difference in the Provinces in respect of these hours. 

We are. Sir, a much-maligned class ; but, at the same time, we 
know we nave your countenance, if only we manage our houses in 
the way they should be managed. 

To the movement for the opening of Pioture-Gkdleries on Sunday 
IQwish the utmost possible suooep8,D i g it i z ed bv Yours, 

A Manchesieb Bung. 


,'^JhiBdmeTdo9»meik6ld\iamedf^emMdt»mehMmUd§i,retwr^e>^ H w earn saw flUw he f H h eme i mOws e m em jfe m Mi kg a 

eUm/pedmrnddikreeUdenedopt. Oeipm^ 

Fbbbitaby 7| 1880.] 




The New Oook. " VTzll, I diolabb 1 Hxmi I 'vs bvxn ahd chtk' Six OtriKsiB i^b a hbw Dbbu to 






(An Imperial Etlogtie,) 

lNTEBLOcnaTOBS--S0n;amm, an ane^nt JShxmn ; BtUjf Pft^f m% Mtflp Ifphph, 

Ah I ffo it, my Benjamin, 90 it I and don't yon he daslied by tliem IMs. 
Which the old woman 's reglar ashamed of, the paltry poor-flperrited Cads t 
As would choke down Imperial Instinks, aa Eying implants in our 'arts 
To teach ns we 're cocks of all walks, spite of 'tunbngging low fofftft pwtU* 

Ah, Betst, if all were like t^oii, what a rare rosy time I should have 
In my efforts to counterwork Gladstone, and checkmate the insdent fiSaT I 
But, alas ! Bull seems shifting his blinkers— ahem I—I mean d]fopping his 

His conscience is apt to grow tender in sight of aa empty Ezdhequttr. 

Pooh, pooh I Peg away, my dear Bkn. Afghaodstaft is onm erery hinch. 
Gaoi't we do what we like with our own F You 't6 a trick or two left, at a pinch. 
There 's them Ingyan Princes, you know, they 're all game for a nice bit 01 prig I 
Wliich 'twould bustle them Eooshians delightful, the imperdent WaggabonesI 


You were meant for a Ruler of Men, with " a hand full of sceptres," dear 

In place of your gingham, though that has much helped me, my old Petsy- 

Only one little hint I must g^ve, don't get too sublimely ecstatic. 
Or speak out too plainly, my Pbig, for you see that is scarce diplomatic. 

Bipnlymattic be— well, there, I won't— but it do rouge me up, that it do : 
My buzzum 's'abile when I thinks of that bloodthirsty Musky white crew, 
A piokin' and stealin' all round amidst England's pecooliar perks. 
Bights ? No one 's no right to no rights, 'oept onrselTes and our pardners the 

Humph I perfectly sound, my sweet Betst, in principle, 

perfectly so, 
But a leetle too nakedly put ; apt to startle the weak- 

knee'd, you know. 
Neat phrases that coyer no end without scaring the pious 

or finical, 
Giye Imperial principles play, and yet saye them from 

being dubbed ** cynicaL" 

The frontier you called scientific, they say 's on the shift. 

WeU, what then ? 
'Tisn't like the equator— a fixture. We '11 shift it agen 

Like a pencil-line marked on a map, Ingy-rubber '11 soon 

wipe it out. 
Our frontier is jest where we want it, of that only fools 

'ay6> doubt. 

Gk>od again, my dear Betst ! Our plan for safeguarding 

the Empire is plain : 
We will go wheresoever we wish, and wheresoever we 

choose will remain. 
But that 's entre nous, my sweet Pbio, in acquainting 

John Bull with our game, 
Imperium atque libertas sounds better— and means just 

the same I ILeft chuckling. 

millennial maxim. 

81 vis pacem, para beUum. Is it a belief in this mazi m 
that induces the Great Powers of Europe to go on 
arming each against each in a continually increasing 
ratio ? If so, now extremely pacific their intentions 
must be! "^ '' o~ 




[Febbuabt 7, 1880. 


(See the Prince Chancellor's tcheme for increate of tht Oerman ^mylj'^'''^®" "^ V3\JVJ^IV^ 

FflBRUABT 7, 1880.] 




( 0/^ States and Statesmen and their Organs,) 

'* Tell me what you play at and I '11 teU you 
what yon are." 

Prince Bismarekr— Beggar my neiffhbour. 

Lord Beaeon^ld—nnzati ana Blind 
man's bnff. 

Prince Omischakoff-^BrBLg, 

M. Oambetta—The waiting game. 

The Pope— Sinffle wioket 

The Suttan^BUnd Hookey. 

i^iMna—Prisonen Base. 

German ^mptre— Tug of War. 

The Drench Republic— OntddA Edge (Ice 
marked '* Dangerous.") 

Sir Henry Xayarc^BuU in the China- 

Lord SaUshury — Cross questions and 
Crooked answers. 

Lord Zytton— Follow my Leader. 

The Bight Hon. Sir Stafford NorthcoU— 
Open your moufh and shut your eyes. 

Mr. PanM^^-Bull-haiting. 

Mr, Bigaar and the Irish Obstructionists 
— ^Bill-stioking. 

Messrs, O* Connor Power ^ DaviU, XiUen^ 
Brennan ^ Co.— Patriotism. 

The Bight Hon, W. H Smith and Col, 
Stahky-'UXL(^% and Drakes. 

Mr, CVym»— What is my thought like? 

Mr, G'^euitfoittf— Felling a tree and taking 
the stump afterwards. 

Sir WtUiam JSTarcowW— Yiyisection, and 
sticking thinffs in Cabinets on points. 

iS^tr WHfria Lawson^Bawh (flowing only 
with tea and coffee). 

The Pall MaU Qatetie—Bait the Bear. 

The TVSpitet— Bound about the gooseberry- 

TheDaUy TelMraph^Montaanes Busses, 

The British l^o^on— Thimble-rig. 

John ^tfi^-Fog-signalliiig. 

The Civil Service Commissioners^'Baper 

Mr, Puntf A— Electric lighting. 

CUrl of the PeruN^-Hefiography. 

Iriflh Obstructiwes to Iriah Aid. 

Ukglb Sax is showing his sense by 
sending his liberal contributions in relief 
of Irish distress through all channels ex- 
cept the crueiUy warped ones of Messrs. 
Pabnill and Dillon. The arch-agitator 
has the impudence to accuse the Duchess 
of Maslbobouqh's and all other relief 
lurenqiesi except his own, of political bias. 
This is the Oraochi complaining of sedition 
with a vengeance I Pigs, we know, cut 
their own throats in trying to keep their 
heads aboye water. This IriBh Mis-leader 
seems inyoluntarily to be imitating the 
short-sighted Irish animal. If any man 
cofild have frozen the current of charity— 
in New World and Old— it would be such 
a bitter and malignant advocate of mutual 
hate, cruel strife, insecurity of life, and 
pxyperty and anarchy, as Chablss muAxr 
Pabitsll. ___^___ 

The Jolly Beggars! 

ts the Swiss Cantons, bordering on Get' 
many, we are tdd, there is much complaint 
of the influx of (German bcffgars, who, even 
when conducted across the frontier, speedily 
return. Happv beggars, who can.get away 
from Yaterland just nowl Under the ad- 
ditional wei^t of military service, lately 
laid on German backs by the Chreat ana 
Busy B.. it is the beggars who would seem 
only to be choosers— and to choose wisely 
—on the principle of ratiier any place than 
AofiM, as BmcABCX and Militarism have 
made it. 


Lady (who wants to tit down). *« Wnx tott sit ih mt Lap, Dabuno ? " 
Darling, ''Sank tou— I 'vb dot a Chaie I" 


Chaptkb V. 

Position^Society^One Bemarh-'Bule-TBxample-^Considerations^Conscientiousness^ 

Theory^Lecture — FiUure—ExaminaUon, 

PosiTioir, like possession, is nine points of the law. 

The Position of the Actor de^ds upon character and situation. This is equally true 
whether on or off the stage. Every Actor resembles a servant out of place, inasmucm 
as he is always on the looK-out for a first-rate situation. We will now consider his 
position on the staffc— taking for granted that the stage is elevated to about its usual height 
above the level of the orchestra. 

Now, Gentiemen, let us consider "position on the stage." Position on the stage is not a 
social questbn, it is simply artistic. What is to be his position off the staj^re denends entirdy 
on himself. If he has had the advantages of a Public School and University Education, tiien 
he commences on an equal footing with most of the ** aristocracy and gentry," and a consider- 
able proportion of the so-called liberal professions. There are^true Gentlemen in all grades 
of society, from the Courtier to the Costermonger : so the social question may be dismissed, 
once and for all, with this remark, that Actor or Artist, unless he has consorted as a boy on 
equal terms with the ** Swells," who subsequentiy admit him within their charmed drole, 
is in dan^ of ** kootooing " to such leaders of contemporary fashion as affect to patronise 
and charitably tolerate those, who, but for their success in their art, would be amongtiie 
great undassed ; for though the Actor is a ** Professional" Actor, and the Artist a '*Tro- 
lessional " Artist, and the Author a '* Professional Writer," yet neither Stage, nor Painting, 
nor Literature is ranked as a profession, to be recognised eqtudly with the Church, the Law, 
the Army or Navy. So to resume. ^ 

The Actor is sufGioientiy accustomed to the inquiry, ** What will he stand ? " but he cannot 
always so readily reply to the question, " How he will stand, or where he will stand." 

Let it be the purpose of this day's lecture to consider seriously the elementary rules ol 
our noble dramatic art for the study of which this glorious College was founded. 

Bute 1st,— Always take the centre of the stage. Should anvbody else be there before yotti 
get in front of him. Your object bein^ to be heard and seen by the audience, H is yourthUy 
to place yourself ^ ^* prominent a position as possible. 

This elementary principle is equally applicable to Supers who have a line to speak, as, for 



[Fbhruaet 7, 1880. 

inBtanoe— " MyLord, the oarriage waits." Let ub take tliis line as 
an ezaxnple. * Wliat doea the oonBoientiouB study of theae wordf 
involve r 
Fir9t--By whom are they atteced P 
Seeondiy^To whom are thev uttered P 
Thirdly^Tk^b place where they are uttered* 
Fourthly^ThA time when they are uttef^ 
F^hly—ThA ocoasion of their utteranpa* 
To be^ with these oonsiderations:^ 

JVre^— They are uttered by a airfast. 
Secondly— To hi a master. 
Thiniiy — In the drawing-roonL 
Fii u ri hly — MoJ^img. 
Fifthly— To kad to an effective exit. 
^^w gbswve, the Conactentious 
ArtUtt who liaj>pena to be oaat for 
the mxif will at onoe ask himself, 
^^What ioft of a fliGi-Taiit am I to 
repreaeiit f Am I to be old or young, 
or middLe-a^ed (^ Aja I to increase 
my htight ? Am I to be an nprig^ht 
fierYant| or a humpbacked ficrvaiit? 
Am I devoted to my master as my 
benefactor, or do I attest him fl« a 
Iiiuie-proud tyrant? or \b Me eiist- 
> iioe a matter of the moat profound 
iiidi^eie^ce to ma '^ ** Ail tnis ia im- 
pLie4 io the oae word *^ study*'* 

Bupp^^lnj^ we adopt as a theory 
tliat thiti s^rvujit, whom our Coiutiien- 
tioufl Artiit bab to rtprtst^nt^ is bound 
b^ ties of the atrongent gratitude te 
bia maatar* Then ho will throw grvii 
tendernees into his gladUif, and will ddiv^r the line — 

*' My Lord J the oariiajte waite,'^~witb such intensity, snob evii 
dently siippresssd emotoi, and auoU affectionate fervour, as to 
hting teai-$ to the eyes ol thfi andietoot. 

On the other hand, aiippove ^th# aeFvant to be nourishing a Eeo^et 
hate of the tiobLeman vhoao UvBry he voifflt bow di^eront will bs 
his reading oJf the line I He wlU enter the room oppresaed by a senM 
of slaverv^ he will glower rouind on ajl the signs of wealth and 
Injtury wbieh only serve to remind him of hi« servitude , and, as 
ho calls to mind that the very announcement he ha^ come to mak# 
doea but reoaU to him that he perforce must walk while others rida, 
he will convey to the audience by one aaide scowl, one short sharp 
denchiufi- of nia fist on the aide away from his master, by the dilated 
jioatril^ and by his cutting tone, the depth of hate that underlies the 
wordti — " My Lie^e> the carriage woita/* 

Yet again. The Conscientious Artist must inquire at Ixead quar- 
ters, that is, of the author, for all particulars andif the author he 
unable to convey his own meaning^ or, if he have no meaning to 
convey^ then the actor must do the best he can, and create a 
character for himself. 

He can/, for exampj^, be a faithful old 
domestio who weeps whenever he sees 
any of the family in whose sarviae he 
has spent the best yean ol his li£e. in 
which case he vvlll struggle in a broken, 
voice through the words — 

"My Liege— the carriajB;©— waits I *'-^ 
as though this cAmo welling up from an 
overcharged heart, and then* whe^i un- 
obaerved — for ho would not oistress the 
foimly or their visitors — he will sob in 
oomers, hit hia chest, shake his head' 
apasmpdically, gulp down his emotion, 
and linallv, wnen dismissed by his, 
maater with the words — , 

"Ten them I conie,"'-he will burst 
into tears, silent unobtrusive tears, and, 

If the servant behmgl to a gloomy, 
household, let him he the only ^y an4 
cheerful bdnjf in it. and Jet hm. say, 
wij^h a oheerrul anuLd, igad i^ a bcarty 

"My Lord, the carriage wwtsi*'— 
•a though the veXuLde ware there to take his master out to |k 
pic-mo, a dance, a dinner, a five o'clock tea, or a party oi pleasure. 
Such hints as the above will auggest many othc^r questions, and go 
to show how much there ia for '* study," even m the very gmaUMt, 
and apparently leaat important part. 

The foregoing may be taken as a sligiit aogffestion for the Idiemeof 
an elementary lecture. We will return to the lectures in a future 

At the Dramatic College there will be an ft-ryjniittf^ lor all the 
dramaUe persomB in every piece, involving a knowledge of History, 
Geograj;>hy, Music. Granunar, Ac. &c. 

For instance, take the model farce, Box and Cox. There are only 
three oharacters in it. The Examination-paper for the three people 
playing this would be something of this aort :— 

I. Who was Boxf Whowaa Ooxf What daia hav9 you for 

3. What was Ifrs. Bouncer's osteaiible employment P Would 
Mrs. Sin DONS, at any time of her career, have Deen justified in 
refusing this part P If m, state when, and give your reasons, 

:^, U there an 3' ground for the supposition that Mrs. Bouncer was 
a widow i If not^ who was 3/r, Bouncer f 

4. What waa Penelope A mi^s married name P 

fi . State the^eculiarrelation^^ existing between Box^ Cox, Penehpe 
A tine, and point out their bearing on tne situations. 

G* Sketch Box*g costume, gifing your reasons for so dressin g him . 
Do the same for Cox. What should be Box's "make-up" Pwliat 
Co£*« f State your reasons. 

7. What were the sleopin^ arrangements for Box and Cox, about 
which Mr*. Bituncer had to be so peculiarly careful P 

8, Give a list of the properties, stage and personal, required for 
this Farce. Bpeoify the eatables. Of what would tiiey be composed P 

». la ** A 8et" neceaaary ? Or can Box and Cox be played with a 
" pair of ilaU P " If not, why not P 

10. State wiiat doors and windows are " practicable " in tiiie 8ceue. 
Give yonr readona. Describe l^e position of the ])laoe where Cox 
kept hi a hats P From where did he fetdi his tea-tmngs P 

II. Where was the other vaoant room in Mrs. Bouncet^s house f 
12. Give Box's own a(2 count of how he beoame possessed of tjie 

toa;dn^ BhUling, and atate vour moral deduotiona IJierefrom as 
t^eedng the representation ol tiiis character. 

VA. In your judfirrnent, aa LEiduencing the reading (d tiie dhtraeter, 
eoald Cox really hght or not 't What would be his attitude oneitner 

1 4. Who waa Mr, Kmx f Is there any reason for suppoMng t^t 
eitl^r Box^ or Cox^ h^ any prior acquaintance with this genttenum P 

15. What were the grounds of identification of Cox as Soxs ioog- 
losl Brother P What dramatic action do you consider as abadutely 
ju^cesz^ary to this situation ? 

From this it will be evident how mueh there is to be learnt by tlic 
Drojnatie IStudent^ and taugjit by the Professor, who muiit hiiiialf 
jpogseas a practical knowledge of ifrhat he ia talking alxmt * 

P^FBssoB ICawlbt xakd-in-olovb with Hbkbt Invnro, ^so* 

* The amiaUe and enthuaMtio ProfiMsor Moxlust takqf ererv opportonil^ 
he Qsn jffA of lectozing qn tho i9t9ge, bat hM A9 erer written a pieoe-r- 
staaa-jnanaged a pieco— or jeriBn played any one of the three jparti m fi/9f 
fysd Qffj incladuig Mrs, Bwnesr f " Ko P uien, come on ) " 

F.8.--dince wilting this, I have read Thf Th^atrs (a Magadne ohieflv for 
the Theatrical Profenian) for this month, wherein I ^d Ihat Profeaear 
ICoBiiXT, having set the ball rolting, now fflodestly and wisdy returea, leaving 
the game to be kept aHve by tha profeaaioDal piayen. Qood. I am a ppea a eC 
lam mollified^I should aayMorley-fiad. Fanwali, Prafeaaor { 

If Wobm wkbs THnree.— The new expediden te the Polf-Hi^ 
mere Cheyne Walk I 


I 1 Digitized by 


1 * 
J 1 







WN dARIVART.— Fkbhuahy 7. 1880. 


NT OP 1874 OPENS FEBRUARY THE Sth, 1880.) 

Dinitizftd hv 


Digitized by 




At length iJie Mfptennial a&asc^n of sinewy fttmg^le must 

end ; 
And wlio knowB to whose brow at its ending Suooeie 

ahaJl itii aureola lend ? 
Or who in the fight a outrance, or hy strength ot by ikiU 

Shall in ymn hold the hand up for mercy amidst; the 

crowd's coldneis or seom f 
MorUuri! Too true [ for the Seseion, now moribimdj draws 

toit« cIoBe^ 
Which has shown ni io many encounters of famous and 

fairly* matched foes. 
But fltill, even yet in the Itbg shall the loyers of battle 

BraTe iia^bing and al ashing and feinting and fenomg as 

brilliant as bold. 
Meanwhile t in the panse before confliot, the mnltitade 

breathlega a^d mute^ 
Look 0X1 aa the fairly- matched champiotui, mustered, 

Pi^rade, andsalatel 




Ball An about Lovb and EffPEAUGRMENT, bbolknino "SrRAuoKEa tet"^- 



Opening of the Stverith and last Vision of the FarUument ef Sei^ent^-Foiir, 

'Tia oome, the last flght of the SeYen^ and mnfltered for m^lie once more 

Behold m the ancient arena the tighters parade as of ^ore ; 

Their woapona fresh fnrbLihed and sharpened, their armour tight buckled and 

The tire of desire for the fray flaming high in each ftrmly-brao^d limb* 
Home oJd, but aU bold and all bravo though the battle may weU be their kst : 
Ibough no more the bright blade tlier may wield, swing the net, or the sharp 

tndent east 
Lo, where the Secutor Btands jirm, thongh the touch of atern Time 'a on hia brow : 
^^anus alert and elastic beaide him» with front like a prow. 
Alwl eyef) like a gaOo-ot ehip^a bow-lip^htj dtHanco that ftoah o'er the watb, 
JHotb keen tor the hght ob of old, stont aH'skilful and wary as brare 
There 18 Lucidusj Saxon-faoed master of tongae^fence, who never feared foe, 
AEnindant m praises of peace, yet not prompter at word than at blow* 
All v^^J'^^Zu^A'^f^^fJI??®^' leafl practised yet promising aiipi at the game, 

AU ready and steady and tearless; and now, as the combat 'a athand, 
i?%P5^'^^'^?°<^s^^te their crowned Empreas. Nomoreinauchgiiiaemajthiab&nd 
ut Uladiatorml champiuna aa^emble, f^r tight :— their array 
We never ah all look on agam as the pfjpulaoe sees it to-day* 

Weat is the Talne of historical testimony in the face 
of the directest collision of evidence on a fact of yester- 
day P Who shall decide when eyesights disagree P Here 
ia Mitnea Correspondent No* 1 writing to say that in the 
late fog the eleetric UghtB on Waterloo Bridge were all 
but invisible twenty yards oil, and deeidedlv gave far 
less iUumination than our old yellow-faoed menda, the 
much TO aligned gaa lamps. 

Next day^ we hare Correspondentfl Ko. 2 and 3 writing 
to give No, i the lie direct. 

On the same dav, at the same hour, in the some place ^ 
mad swathed in tne flame fog whence No. 1 uttered Hs 
experience, No, 2 " was astonished at the power and 
finperioritjr of the eleetrio light." Not only did it pierce 
the dense fog, but while immediately under it, he tested 
ite power by reading the labels on his luggage with 
perfect ease, while under the gaa«lamps it was oompara- 
tiveiy dark. 

The some day, to the same paper. No, S writes from the 
Athen(enm to the same effect : — 

" I was struck with the dilfuHion of the electric light s.& compared 
with the ga* Ifliupsj aad though it is true thfttj os pints ^>f light| 
there did not apptj^r to be any great differBnco in thv dlBtanca* 
at whicb thDy could bo reftjfecLivoty Keen^ the mooi^nt an electric 
buraer wiu approadted the diffonenoe m light was v&ry eunaibl^, 
and juipeared to he uniformly diffused. I was cougratuhitiag 
myself aa I walked along thnt va had at laat got something 
trhifih could make an impr^aion eren on LoDdon to$/^ 

Surely after this, Punch may safely iay. * 
on the Electric Light/' 

^ Two to ona 


(In Uu B^yrmrktL) 

New faoe, indeed I In fog's spite looking annny^ 

1 our M<me^ brings the erowd^ the erowa its money ; 

Kor is the Mmuiy put npon the stagei 

So much as that spent in the House^ the rage* 

AU *s dean : a dirt-epeck seek and tou *11 not find it, 

Before the ** ioat," or, Btranfrer stilly behind it* 

The Aetora in their rooms— odd eight to see \^ 

Ladie.'i and Gentlemen at home might be. 

The Green Ueora — where, till now, wcs such thing Bees, 

Save at St, James* s F— is as fresh as green* 

With the Pit gone upstairs, all *s upside down. 

All pictures, Morris-green» and saRest brown : 

The theatre, mm Pit, is now one Gallery j 

Taste takes a riee-^and eo, let ^s hope, does aalaxji 

ThehouBeno *' papering" needs* whilst thus you point it: 

Serene Stall- air— no breath 0' the Pit to taint it. 

Style pure enough for o*en Burne- Jones asoetics^— 

Before, behind, all High Art and iEsthetics ! 

Money at your bills' backs, as on the faoe of them : 

Two BAif CROFTS^ with no Banikruptcy in ehajje of them i 

M the old Hay market is not renewed-^ 

Pnnch never wrote, and new views ne*er were viewed \ 

out ramming. 



[FlBBUABY 7, 1880. 


[All along of this avfful Weather.) 

The Captain {who had taken charge of blooming Beginner), ** Okoi mobs roukd 1 " 

Fair Novice (th^ had hem careering aboutf without a breai^ for ttoenty minutes). " Oh, do STOP NOi¥, Captain Bowlridob, AHD 



''Thb Mathbmatical Tripos, Cambridob.— Thero waa coniiderable 
excitement at Oirton Collere yetterday oyer the reported suooesi of one of its 
young lady itudenta in the ICathematioal Tripoa. The Moderators and 
Sxaminers have for years allowed their papers to be worked by the Girton 
students who have kept the proper number of terms simultaneously with the 
ordinary XJniyersity students ; and theyhaye also looked oyer the answers, 
and indicated the places that would haye been attained by the young ladies in 
the p;eneral competition. This year a GKrton student was reported to haye 
attained the position of eighth wrangler, and great was the pride at Oirton. 
The fact seems to haye become known in the Uniyersity. as we are told that 
upon the reading of the list in the Senate-house some of those present shouted 
out the name of the Oirton competitor when the eighth place was reached. It 
is not stated whether the younc lady had the adrantage of the priyate tuition 
of Mr. BouTH, enjoyed by all high wranglers." 

Brayo the 8:allant UndergradTiate who *' bracketed " the " CHLrton 
Girl " with the eighth male wrangler I 

And the honour falls pat as pleasant. A Girton Girl as good as 
Eighth Wrangler, jnst at the moment that the gates of the Royal 
Aoademy— solong olosed against Mistresses of Arts— have onoe more 
opened to the sex, which Sir Joshua was too much of a gentleman 
not to honour in the fair persons of the accomplished artist he so 
prettily christened ''Miss Akgsl," and Mart Moskr, great in 
flowers as the Mrs. Akgel of onr own time. 

Mrs. Btttlxr, nSe Elizabbth Thokpsoit, Punch takes off his hat 
to von as the first Lady-Associate. Yonr predecessors, Aitoblica 
and Mart, sprang into being, fnll-blown R.A.'s. 

This is as it shoold be. At last Punch may say, and with pride he 
says it, the Ladies are looking np— looking np to the high places of 
Science and Art. which shonld never have been held beyond their 
reach, and which will be graced by their oconpanoy. 

But when the Aoademy doors are reopened to the Ladies, let them 
be oi>6ned to their f nil width. Let ns not hear of any petty re- 
strictions or exdnsions from this or that fnnotion or privilege of 
R. A. What these letters bring men, let them bring women, i If 

there' be any phase of Academic work, or Academic play, in which 
the presence of Lady R.A.'s wonld miake male R.A.'s nncomfort- 
aUe. let them trust the Ladies' good taste to keep them away. But 
let the honour be given, unstinted and unconditioned. 

And bravo again to the Butler who is the first to draw this ^' wine 
of honour '' for her sisters I 

In the face of these well-won concessions of •* Women's 
Rights," the complaint of " A Lancashire Witch," who writes 
to Punch in protest against the persistent claima of Miss Ltdia 
BxcKBR and her nob& army of Spinsters, for the admission of 
single womanhood to share the political burdens of mankind, as 
married, she shares his other troubles, falls somewhat flat. The 
Lancashire Witch writes from Manchester, where the shrill Sister- 
hood seem to have been slmller than usual of late. But no Lan- 
cashire Witch need fear to be mixed up with ** The Representative 
Gathering " of vote-claiming Spinsters, which Miss Ltdia BscinER 
threatens to bring down on 3ie Free Trade HalL Witches who know 
whence comes the real potency of their charms will certainly not 
seek to mix voting-powoer in the cauldron. 

But let our Lancashire Witch speak for herself :— 

" Mt dbab Mr. Punch, 

** I appeal to you, as a Gentleman, to take up your pen in behalf of 
the Ladies of Lancashire. 

*<Miss Ltdia Bbckbr has a number of Bpinsters down here to make 
speeches on the Woman's SufEirage Question, ana she pledges herself and them 
that the Free Trade Hall Meeting shall be a truly representatiye gathering 
of the women of this district I assure you Miss Bbcbbb*8 followers are 
chiefly Ladies of her own pronounced politics, or semi-foreigners, and not 
Enffluhwomen pur $t tUnpU, 

^We are content to leaye our rights to our Husbands and Brothers ; and 
if you could find Miss Bbckbr and her compeers a husband each, through 
your adyertising columns, you would confer a benefit on Society, and haye 
the life-long gratitude of Tours, ^ Lanjj^hirb Witch. »' 

™^ Dinitizftd bv V^OOQ I C 

The Wat to Cook Vehobok.— Inquire of Mr. Bttciocaster. 

Febbuart 7, I860.] 




Sir Oorgitu Midas, "Hullo ! whsrx 's all thb eest of txs gokk to f " 

Head Footman. "If tou please. Sir Gobgius, as it was past Two o'Clocx, and wb didn't know fob crrtain wbbthbb tou 


Sir Gorgitu. "'Tbougbt thby migbt go to Bed,' did tbet? A pretty State of Tuings, indeed I So tbat if I'd a* 
'appbned to brougbt 'omb a Feibnp, tbbre 'd a* only bben tou Four to let us bin, bay ! " 


'' LoBD Habtington leader F Poob, pooh I he is led 
By Gladstone, a man who is quite on his head ; 
Mad Gladstokb, that eloqaent plaffue of these islands, 
Is led by Bad Chamberlain aided oy Rtlands : 
Whilst they, in their turn, find their leaders ana foolers 
In Paenbll and Biggar, the roariDg Home Rulers. 
Thus bringing the lot of ns under t&ir yoke ! " 
So Sandon— he swears it is no^ ** a mere joke." 
One thing the sage Lord has omitted to tell. 
That is, who is leader of Mr. Parnell ! 
But, doubtless, to make this new bogey complete. 
From the orown of its head to the sole of its feet, 
He 'd say the last link in this long chain of evil 
Must be the first Whig—who we know was the Deyil ; 
And then poor Old England all ho^ may abandon— 
At least that 's the view of the sapient Sandon. 
Alas ! 'tis no wonder stout Tories turn pale 
Thus to see those dashed Liberals '* led by the tail." 
But in this i?iey 'U ne 'er follow the lead of their foes— 
They prefer— ask Lord S.— to be led— by the nose I 

The Study for Foggry Weather, 

If we wish to carry out the Socratio precept to know *' Oar- 
Belyes," the lesson is now read nightly at the Vaudeyille Theatre. 
There, where the crowd of London once for thousands ^ of nights 
sat to study Our Boysy we can now study that still more interesting 
book, in three Volumes, Ourselves. Hai^py thought happily embodied! 

They were in a bit of a fog the first night— on the stage as off it— all 
.oyer the house. Since then there has been oonBiderable clearing up, 
both in the weather and the performance. 


Glad of all that throws light on the need of a cheap and easy bit 
of uEdilio improvement. Punch reprints the experience of a cor- 
respondent of the Times in proof of the good of street-names on 
street-lamps in the late Cimmerian weather :— 

*' Sir,— I was obliged to drive from Sydenham to London two nights ago ; 
the fog was yenr dense ; the coachman lost his way twice ; but when we got 
into the line of streets, such as Walworth Boad and Newington Causeway, 
the names of which were painted on the lamps, we had no further difficulty ; 
we, however, went wrong again as soon as we got into streets in which the 
lamps were without names. 

It would be very inexpenslre to paint the names of the streets on all 
lamps, and would be a boon to all who have to move about both in fogs and 
on ordinary dark nights. I am, Sir, yours obediently, g f p 

Unseasonable Ximifioence. 

What I Subscribe to another proposed Arctic Expedition now 
that the Irish need eyery penny we can afford oyer and above what 
is wanted for a Testimonial to Rowland Hill ? Think of promot- 
ing one more voyage to the North Pole— in such weather as this^ too I 
No, indeed. We are too far North already. Yet Lord Derby isn't, 
for Lancashire man as he is, he has put his name down for a 
hundred pounds to Commander Chstnes' last act of Bailoonaoy. 

SoMETHiNQ LIKE A Wabitbb.— Good BOWS f or Sir Wilfrid Lawson 
(vide Sandwich-men /wiMtm)— ** Last Nights of Drihk! " 

Erratum.— In Whitaker's (usually cqwect) Almanack (p. 867), 
** Funerals are exempt from tolls." ^ ' ' -■> q 



[Fkbbuabt 7, 1880. 


^> ^^=- 

QxTOffiSFrost to Fo#, '* As ohill as a frog, 

AacL as moist to root, you 're as doll and diuAB } 
Yon are limp and tow. I 'm all a-glow— ^ 

As gnj and |rladsome as yon are glnm. 
In my silyer hyery I clothe the trees. 

And frame the streams in my sheeu of glass, 
And if old fogies' blood I freeze, 

1 qnioken yonng pulses of lad and lass. 
And from furry hood and soft doud-raoK 
Bright faces to old Jack Frost laugh hack I 

*' And what if I nip from their dried-up stalk 
Of ancient and o^er-blown liyes some score P 

Or into dSeoUettSe Beauties walk. 
From the sill of the stifling ball-room door F 

Or catch round the waist a buxom maid. 
As o' mornings the doorstep she washes down, 

"With never a wrap but her cobweb cap. 
And her flimsv rag of a cotton gown r 

Ifyou didn't relish old Jack Frost's nip, 

Why lay yourselyes out, you rogues, for his grip F 

*' 'Tis with more of a scruple my nippers I dose 

On the pale and delicate shop-girFs chest, 
who th(9 blast must bide by the carriage side. 

While she waits on the lady-customers' best. 
The thinner they 're skinned, I and friend East Wind, 

The bigger our bag and the better our sport : 
The more aaintily bred, the sooner they 're sped— 

Tour stoye-heated pale-blooded shop-girl sort ! 
The only bore is that no choice is there. 
If to me and East Wind their heads they 'U bare. 

'' But. after all, 'tis the Skates are my pumps. 

And my ball-room far excellence is the ice ; 
And if Ducks come by duckings, and Swells by 

Now and then, all own it 's * awfnlly nice.' 
And cheeks laugh red and ejes laugh bright 

Under old Jack Frost's stinging ralute--- 
In the Arctic regions 'tis called a bite. 

But here the old fellow is far too cute 
To bite pretty noses and rosy ears 
When they 're bared to his kiss, without scruples or 

** But for you. Master Fog, you 're a sorry dog— 

Whether black or whitey-brown 's your wear- 
When in soot-smelling mantle the earth you dog, 

And bar the light and poison the air. 
Bronchitis and Asthma your steps attend. 

To arrest the wretches whom you may doom — 
Tour cloak oyer all is a funeral pall. 

And your walk 's pretty certam to end in a tomb; 
And no mirth of mood or quickening of blood 
Haye you to reckon, like me, to the good." 


A DELIGHTFUL and, as usual, diaphanous address, deHyered the 
other day by Cardinal Newicait at Birmingham, to an assembly of 
Boman Catholics, thus condudes :-^ 

** 1 will only say, in oonclasioii, that, though EogUshmen are much more 
friendly to us as iodividuals. I see nothing to make me think they are more 
friendly to our religion. Tney do not, indeed, believe as they once believed, 
that our religion is so irrational that a man who professes it must be wanting 
either in honesty or in wit ; but this is not much to grant, for the great 
question remains to decide, whether it is possible for a oounby to continue 
any long time in the unnatural position of thinking ill of a religion and 
thinking well of belieyers in it. One would expect that either dislike of the 
religion would create an unfriendly feeling towards its followers, or friendship 
towards its followers would insure goodwill towards the religion. How this 
problem will be solyed is one of the secrets of the future." 

Does Cardinal Newmak think that Englishmen are yery unfriendly 
towards his rdigion and that of his oondisoipleB F Enelishmen do 
not, perhaps, many if any of them, exactly know what that religion 
is. The msjorit^ may possibly, howeyer, trust that they know what 
it is not. No doubt they are mostly assured it is not the same 
religion as that which inspired Queen Mabt and actuated Gxrz 
Fawkbs. They do not imagine its present professors with whom 
they are friendly, as Cardinal Newicav deseribes them, toUdairee 
with TOE^<: KM^^iJi. Even a typical British uttra-Protestant now 
perhapn hardiv belieres the actual faith of his esiBtinfi- Boman 
Catholio lei^hboura ta be the same as that faith the hightjst act of 
which iQ Spain^ ncd the New Worlds was avowedl? an auto-fla-fe, 

A detio mi nation is one thing, a pemiaaion another, in the sight of 
ordinary Protestant Bn tons— North Britons ]>erhapa not excepted. 
Members of all denominationa between whom and on rs (lyes the 
differenca maialy lies in theological metaphysics — tho region 
of the ujiititelligriblo — agree to differ. They object little to a 
religion whioh now causes none ol their fellow-oountrymen to con- 
spire against the Constitution, or render themselves otnorwise offen- 
siye to those about tbem.^ They dislike it for theraaolvea, hnt only in 
theory^ jnst as t hoy dislike any other relii^ion hesiiks tluir own; 
yet in Botue cases oilTerence of opinion, with Uuakeri for example, 
neyer alters friendship; and if that is so with these Sectarians, the 
reason why it shouldn't be so with others, as Boman Catholics, is a 
l^oblem wAose sol'utioti is a secret of the present, and may be one of 
the secrets of the future. 

An Englishman's national dwelling-place is Liberiy Hall— espe- 
cially Eeligious Liberty Hall. He is content to share it with eyery- 
body who will make himself at home and agreeable there; nay, 
eyen with Sabbatarians who would make themselyes disa^eeable 
if suffered to haye their own way. It is only people who wish to do 
that from a fanatical motiye, whom he dislikes, as well as their 
persuasion and way. 

WOOD Am) water. 

The Duke of Bucclextoh will bear comparison with Jupiter in 
one respect. Haying constituted numerous faggot-yoters m Mid- 
Lothian for electoral purposes, he may reasonably swear by the Styx. 

SiGKS OF THE Seatzno Sbason.— Morc Icicles than Bicycles. 


Punch is glad to set at rest the minds of his many Correspondents 
who want to subscribe to the Rowland Hill Fund, but either fear as 
to its appropriation, or do not know how to set about sending their 

To the Editor of Punch, 

Sir, — Bef erring to the letter of your Correspondent signed " Ak ADMiRia 
OF Sir Bowlamd Hill," and your own note appended thereto, 1 shall feel 
obliged if you will state in your next issue that it was early decided, and so 
reported in the publio papers, that the Fund raised should be applied to the 
succour of aged and distressed Post-Office employ it. their Widows and 
Orphans, and that no ** briek and mortar *' Institution should be erected. 

This resolution, which means that Widows shall be idlowed to *' keep their 
children at home, and educate them as they like," has been adhered to 

Will you also kindly let the world know that at every chief Post-Office 
(nearly 1000 in all) there are subscription lists and collecting books, and that 
every Postmaster in the United Ein^om is authorised to receiye donations of 
One Fenny and upwards on behalf of the Fund. 

Numerous painftd cases are brought to the knowledge of the Committee 
dail]r, to which the Benevolent Fund will be applicable, and for which no 
provision could possibly be made by a general measure such as the 8uper- 
annuatioB Act. I am, &c., Jambs Whitbhbad, 

The Son. Secretary of the Maneion Eomee 

Mansion Houee^ Jan, 26, 1880. BowUnd Sill Fund, 

' To OOK iMg O J jsi m— aU JftHter 4mMt\M \hmedfU>w^ to mtknovMI^ rttun, vrvayfer (hntribvtiont, Mnecameanthemberttmrnedmaem m eoe mp t miti hym 

ttamped tind directed envelope, Copiet ekeu Id be hepL 

Fkbruabt 14, 1880.] 



sr^ h] 



Madelins {offtd Four). "What do to9 thihk, OnALB | 

80 OK TBB CaBD 1 " 

QtraUL {agtd Fine). ** No !— what a Bhamb I I yotbs Wh dob't 
GO I " [SBWikdtd and earrUd unaniimouiiif. 



[Bi/ a he-fogged Old F6gey^ p&rhape.) 

SrR,— Let me appear for the People — the people don© out of thtir 
old Hay market Pit. 

At a lime when OpenLtio McinafeTi are redncins: prioeA atid abro- 
gtiimg restrictLonSf fio as to brin^ tbeir entertainment witbiii reaoK 
of tbe miltion — when tbef are doing bo moob to popularly the Lyrie 
Stag^^ and fflTini^ tbe beat repraMFtitatioQ at the smalleat poaaibie 
prioea, the Ttieatrieal Managers who bon^ Rtly doeire tbe elevation of 
the Stap-e, and w ho » by the restoratioa of oaref al rehearj^al and atten* 
tion to detailfl, bave effected bo much for the pood of Dfamatio Art* 
are doinc- their beat to u q pop ula rise the Theatre, and to privo to one 
small select opulent class what was meant for the public at larpe. 

Tes, Mr, B^i^CROFr, ^[r^ I reBoeotfullv addrew you in the name of 
the Theatre-goinK Public, I do not doabt your good Lntantiona, 
with whiohr the Haynuurket is ornamented ; hui if you cannot afford 
to keep up the Haymarhet Pit, you ought never to have taken the 
Sdymarket Theatre, 

Don't be nnder any mistake, my exoellent Manairer* QiTS ns less 
hrie-d-brac^ give ns less oosUy properties, saoriftoe some of your 
tdtra-deTotion to realism, and i^iYe ns instead reaeonahle pricee ail 
over the houee, and restore that venerable institution, the Pit of the 

If Paterfamilias wants to go to the theatre nowadays he has to 
consider the matter serionsly. Yonng Masters Cbutoh and Tooth- 
pick, with their Bisters^the Misses Ejujssik, wonH go anywhere else 
tiian in the Stalls. The Stalls are fashionable, and St. James's 
and the HaymariLot (nnder Banoroftian management), are fashion- 
able theatres. The yonng people like to tislt the fashionable 
theatres ; hnt if they do, they mU go in the fashionable places, and 

the Drama? 
^ they Ve been. 

ley go tbe btalis ot tbe tasbionabie tbeatres as they will go to 
the Stalls at the Italian Opera in the season. Do they care one whit 
more for Music than they do for the Drama? No. Poor Pater- 
familias with stalls at tm shillings a-pieoe, can't get through his one 
erening's entertainment much under a fiye-pound note, and 
though his family mav have the exquisite pleasure of getting a 
glimpse of Royalty in a dox, of nodding to a titled club acquaintance 
—whom Toung Crxttoh will proudly point out to his sisters,— of 
meeting the DbPoksoitbt Smiths, of seeing the fashionable beauties, 
and hearing (probably in whispers during the performance) the 
fashionable scandals, yet poor Paterfamilias himself will not have 
experienced such' intellectual pleasure as will recompense him in 
any degree for his outlay, nor will it strike him that his children 
have been morally improved by the yisit. 

The Manater will probably say that one success at these prices 
will recoup niai for any preyious losses, and that as long as Uie 
public will pay his charges, so long is he justified in making them. 

The publte, lioweter, will not go on paying his charges. A portion 
of the public may do so, whose pockets are not inconyenienced by 
havbir to pay dearljT for luxuries ; but eren these will find the 
prioefl hij^h for htit^htae and reaustic properties, and when they 
withdraw the attraetioa of their fashionable presence, then the 
snobs, who onljr went to the sake of the nobs, will go too, and 
your ^tal].s, oil whidi you depended, will be empty— empty, as the 
mrtjoritT of Iheilr former occupants, — and then what have you to 
look to? A Pit? Ko* Thatyou chased away. A Dress Circle? 
N(>. Thatyou made expensiTe and unfashionable? A GkUery? 
0\u dear, ito, you nerer played to a Gallery. PriYate Boxes ? Yes 
—for frieudft; and Upper Circle for ** orders." 

Tbe !^f an^^^ will reply, that a successful piece will bring them all 
hiu;k again. Hot alL Tour former patrons will be charr of return- 
ing ; and that public, which you have disreflrsrded ana which tou 
hare diireli awny by your hign fniees, will have found some otner 
amusement, will 'hare lost what taste it had for the Drama, and, 
feeling no sort ef interest in your soooess or failure^ will leave you 
and your theatres to take care <tf thsmselyes, to sink or swim, as 
best you can. 

Mr. Manager Bavoboft, you were sufficiently sensible to refuse a 
public testimonial when you felt you had done nothing to deserve it. 
You hate had your XiTBirBBBLLi, and you have wisely rejected, as 
did oar Prkkibb before you, and CiBSAR before him, a crown — 
now, take this opportunity of doing a gracious act, and, as you have 
"restored" the Hmnarket Theatre, go a step farther, and restore 
the Pit. And, Messieurs Managers, lower your expenses and 
your prices all round. Give us less oosUy realism, and more real 
acting. Encourage the public to visit your theatres frequently at 
what may be called popjular prices. Let each house have its 
speeialilrf , giving the puUie the best of its kind. All houses have not 
Companies for Comedy, nor all for Tragedy, nor all for Brama, nor 
all for Burlesque, Faatomime, or Spectacles, — just as in the 
vast public, not everyone cares for Tragedy, not everyone for 
Comedy, and so on. There is a large class who would not thank 
you to be taken gratis to the best seat in the house to witness the 
best possible repreeentation of any one of Shakspbabb's plays. 
There is a larre olass which prefers Tragedy to Comedy, and is 
intolerant of Farce and Burlesque. There is again a large class 
which asks only to be made to laugh, and who, -coining from their 
business, trade, or profession, and firom their troubles and worries, 
prefer laughter, and sparkle, and nonsense, and music, and dances, 
to the greatest dramatic intwleetnal treat that could be provided for 
them. Chaeun d son |R0d<— but no obc wishes to pay exorbitantly 
for what he would take as a frequent relaxation^ and so Managers 
of all theatres, be their ^eiaUli what it may, will do well, in view 
of popular suptNi*i« to reaufle their prices all round* 
I nmahlLi Kr. AajToboft and Gentlemen, 

*'Thb Pboplb*s Biu^ of teb Plat. 

[ThisisonetistelllMiBMHer. It is ebrioiis there is ittsther.— ifr. P.'« 


" Hie fiiTLtAK is laffBriiig flrom indisposttioa, snd the dianer whiob His 
Majesty intondad gifiag in honour of Sir Hbmbt LkTAan is pos^^ed ontil 

*< The Ottonan Bank havtes deeUiMd to eontfarae paying m salaries of 
the Turkish Ambassadori abroad, the Porte is makiof urratigements for the 
payments to be eifeoted through other bsnks.'*— ricrAitA Nswt, 

Lbt us hope that the Sultah's indisposition is nothing worse than 
an indisposition to receive the British Ambassador. Or can it be 
that as the Ottoman Bank has stopped the Ambassadors' salaries, the 
Stamboul butchers have again stopped the supplies to the Sxtltav's 
purveyors, and that no dinner was forthcoming ? q 




[Febbuaet U, 1880. 

TnuRSDAT, Feb. 5.— Out Opening Day, The Fog, wbich bad 
done itB^yafkest Ion "WetJnoeday, ma^de way for Hee MAJisarT'fl 
pTogresa.iifrom BuckiDgham Pulaw? to Weal minster, throagh loyal 
greetiiigB from the San and the l/mdvR Lieges. 

Only one Hitdi ooourred when a steed of the State team '* ffot Mb 
head oat of the collar." The Opposition pomplain that the Leader 

Fbbbuary 14, 1880.] 




Chairman of Honu-Rule MeeUng, " • Tfli CflAUi » WILL not disfutb thi Porarx with Mistbxr OTommel »» 

The 0' Pummel. ** * Thi Chaib ' had bbttbui hot, oblbu hb loikxs to stif out, and tulb bis Ck>AT off 1 1 " 

iCon/unof^—JBxeufU fighting. 

of the State team has had his head out of the collar for some time 
past. And one reason for their anxiety for a change of whips is to 
prevent anything of the kind for the fntore. 

Bat. with the hright sunshine and loral lieges, and the show of 
fair Ladies in the House of Lords, endea the brimance of the day's 
work. The Bpeech— '*one of the most solemn of public docu- 
ments "—('* wis thank thee. Jew, for teaching ns that word") was 
one of the emotiest examples of its solemn order within Punches 
memory— -which embraces a goodlv collection of the Queen's shil- 
lings ; for if speech is silyer, Queen's speeches are Queen's shillings. 
The rules ooseryed in its concoction seem to have been — as to 
words— " least said soonest mended ; " and— as to acts— *' least pro- 
mised, easiest performed." 

Considering the hot-pokerish nature of the subjects to be handled. 
as Turkish Ileforms, Afghan Liyasion, South- African Wars, ana 
their upshots, what better rule could have been followed for words ; 
and^ considering what is likely to be the legislative strength of the 
moribund Commons, what wiser caution could have been observed as 
It is no doubt pleasant to know—if anybody had yet to learn- 
That Hbb Majistt's foreign relations are friendly. {More thame 
to them if they were not,) 

That eventa— if not Soverei^rns and Statesmen— tend to furnish 
additional securitv.for the maintenance of European Peace, '* on the 
Princij^les of the Treaty of Berlin." (A UekUeh feat of international 

That much reaiains to be done in Turkey. {We'sh&ukl have 
thought that UtUe or nothing remained to he ^'^ done " there^ every^ 
one and everything that woe to be done having been done already,) 

That we have concluded a Convention for the suppression of the 
tlave trade in the Ottoman dominions. iWhenthe elave trade ieeuip' 
wreeeed^ call Mr, Punch to eongraMate Hbb Majbstt and Hbb 
MAnnTT's Amhaeeador at Comtantinople^ and Hbb Majxbtt's 
I^eign Cfflce.) 
^Mbit the Treaty of Gandamak has noL nnhappay, terminated the 
Mr in Afghanistan. {Who thought it had^exeeptMimeteret) 

That our Envoy has been treacherously murdered, and bloodily 
avenged — {Facta est Juetieia .0 

That the conduct of the campaign reflects the highest credit upon 
BritLsh and Native Forces. (Provided Qen. Bobbbis's explanattons 
aeto hieuee of the noose prove eati^actory.) 

That the unsettled state of the country renders the withdrawal of 
our troops imj^ssible for the present {No doubt about it), but 

That our pnnciple of action reoiains unchanged. (John Bull will 
be glad to hear we have one,) 

That while determined to make our Indian frontier strong {when 
we have found out where it w). Her Majbsty desires to bein mendiy 
rdations with those who may rule in Afghanistan {when we discover 
who they are), and with the i>eople of the country {when we have 
done exterminating them with fire and sword). 

That Hbb Majestt's anticipations as to the early termination of 
the war in Zululand have been fulMed. {Thanks to Sir Gabnbt.) 

And that Hbb Majbstt has reason to hope that the time is now 
approaching when an advance may be made towards South- African 
Confederation for purposes of Self-Gbvemment. (Approach, by all 
means, you Good Time, so long in coming.^ 

So much for Foreign Affairs. 

And as for Domestic— 

That the Commission of Inquiry into Agricultural Depression in 
the United Kingdom is pursuing [its labours (and, let us hope, 
overtaking its results). 

That a serious defidenoy in the crops in some parts of Ireland 
has rendered neoessarv certain precautions (rather late in the day, 
perhaps)— tmok as calling on the Belief Authorities to make pre- 
parations for the distribution of food and fuel, should such a 
step become neoessarv (we thought it had), and stimulating the 
employment of labour by advances on terms more liberal than those 
prescribed by law. 

That my Lords and Gentlemen will, no doubt, sanction this 
disregard of law in the interests of life. 

That luckily the Churoh Surplus Fund is theore to supplement 
Bngli^ charity. ^' ~- -j O 



[Fbbsuabt 14, 1880. 

Then, in three brief paragraphs, flsB Majssty trusts my Lords and Gentle- 
men will be able to resume we consideration of the Criminal Code, and the 
Amendment of Bankruptcy Law (but not to carry Bills for either). 

Bills will be laid before my Lords and Gentlemen for enlar^g the powers 
of Owners of Settled Land ; for consolidating and amending the Lunacy Laws ; 
and for simplifying the Practice of Conyeyancing. {Quite enouoh toork^ we 
should say^ for an active and opening Senion^ intteadpfa weak and aietraeiedone^ 
on the verge of dissolution,) 

Ai^ 80 ends the last dying Speech of the Parliament of 1874, 

{In the Lords,)— MUt the Address had been moyed at a family pace by 

Lord OiriLOW {waM M coukl hm^e gei en fmek&r /), and Moonded by Lord 
Bomb (would hu father* s telescope eaiM be asjmeted for the dieeoverp qf the 
right remedies for Irish discwUent J) an nnnsnally spintlMS atUok was opened 
by Lord Gkavyilu, only redeemed br a pointed •ommary of the Oppositioa 
indictment d Ministers, which is irartn Punches reprinting :— 

** Howeyel^ whether we are to hsTs a struggle unto death depends much upon out 
own policy. If our foreign policy is to be one of jorks sad lorpnses; if whw wt toueh 
the SMteni Queition we nnotion the material adyftMce ef Bnsda, and at the same time 
make ounelvee equally detested by ButtianB, by Slars, by Turks, and by Ch-eeks ; if in 
aaether eontinent we carry on a bloody and intlerious war, which, MiniBterg tell ]rou, they 
not ODly did not order, but actually prohibited, and which they openly deplore ; if in that 

continent you annex settlers of a European race — a race as 
obstinate as ounelFCS— and after promising them freedom, an- 
nounce that yoa mean to goTem them despotically and to 
gOTem them for erer; if in India you disregard all the lessons 
of experience and all the best recent adnce, and pour out 
blood and treasure on a mountsinous district, which you abso- 
lutelv manure as a hotbed for hostile intrigues, and which it is 
equally difficult to remain in or to retire from ; if you think to 
goTcm the whole world by phrases~de6&nt phrases periodically 

S reduced, now in a dead, now in a liring language, and which 
aily collect around them an increasing flaTour of ridicule^— I 
do not know that a strugele unto death may not be nearer than 
is supposed. But it, on uie other hand, your policy is firm and 
ooncLluitory, not saying more than you mean to perform, and 
if you adhere to what jovl say ; if you jealously protect yourself 
from real injury and msuU; if, while requiring respect, you 
fully respect the rights of others ; if you show that you do not 
coTct the lands of others, but throw all the weight of vour in- 
fluence in the European councils in fkrour of jostioe. of nreedom, 
and of peace, I hare such confidence in the geographical [position, 
the maritime resourees, the accumulated w«^th, the fines institu- 
tions, and the spirit of this ^ple, that I do not belieye that it 
will M the interest or the wuh of our neighbours to engage us 
in a itrugale. or that the struggle, if it came, would be a struggle 
unto death.'' 

This ushered in aa nnnsnally pointlesi reply by Lord 
BB400VsriBLi>— sans phrase^ strange to say : but for a 
peronttion grayely informing the world that the issue of 
the Liverpool election is nothing less than the dismem- 
berment of the United Kingdom. ( Which will he news 
to wmt of us,) A rattling rejoinder by the Duke of 
AiaTix turned mainly on the alleged hanginjg of Af- 
gnaas by General Robebts for no other crime than 
defending thei? country {as to which startling charge 
F^nek and Mngland suspend their judgment till ihey 
Aeor what General Sobbbts has to say to it). 

The Poke blew up Sir Hbitbt RjLWLiy soy— Chairman 
fif romgn Beiations in the Council of Indift— f or pub- 
lishing a paper reoomaending, inter oHa. the transfer 
of Berat to Persia, and the goartnteetng of Persia 
lifainst Eussia; and Lord Ltttov, or some one in his 
oontidenot, or some one in the oonfldeooe of the Home 
QoTemment— (riMAer vag^e ihis^ yo^ W'^iee)'~ht com- 
munio^ting tp the IMiifif News a secret telegram from 
the GoYcmment, directing another appeal to Bhbbb Ali 
before proceeding to war. This drew a idiarp counter 
from Lord Cbajibbook. in the course of which he said 
the Duke had forfeited his title as a statesman bj im- 

gngning the conduct of the Qoyemor-General without 
aving the facts before him. This second stage of the 
Lords debate was as lively as the first had been dull. 
The Macallttm Mobb and the Cbanbbook Pet are both 
sparrers who hit as hard in their Peers' ** mufllert '' as 
cooler fighters with their naked ** mauleys," and rarely 
fail to tap each other's claret. 

{In the Commoiw.) — Business was preceded by the 
usual nrooessional parade of the Hobbies (filling a eloee- 
nrintea column and a half ci the Times) ^ amon^ which 
Mr. Whbblhousb figured, in great force, with his team 
of rather oddly matched Bills. 

For the better Education of the Deaf and Dumb. 

For a Criminal Code. 

For the Election of Aldermen by a CumulatiTe Vote. 

For a Select Committee to consider the Commercial 
Belations between England and Foreign Nations, ftc., ftc 

The Debate on the Address was very discreetly moved 
by Cobnel Mobat (Perthshire), very inoiscreetly seconded 
by Mr. Cobbt (Belfast), discussed by Lord BLoLTiNeTOV 
in a more lengthy than lively resum6 of the worst that 
has been said in extra-Parliamentary Opposition utter- 
ances of the Qovemment's nolicy in Turkey, Afghanistan, 
and Zululand, and defended tout hien que mat b)rthe 
Chajtgbllob of the Exohbqubb. Inddenti^ criticisms 
from Sir Chablbs Dilbb, Mr. Fawobtt, and Mr. £. Jbb- 
xnrs, followed; then, by way of eameat of the woe 
to come, there was a squabble over the Adjoummeint 
of the Debate, moved by Mr. Sbaw, supported by the 
Irish Members, uid finally yielded by the Ckavgsuob 
of the ExGHBauxB at a Quarter to Twelve. 

Fridatf {Lords).— Tii» Emjiafei and Workmen Bill 
prmnised fw next Tuesday,~iv note, not of war. let us 
hope, thous^ reaching us by Lord Db la Wabb« 

Medical Education (the Duke of Bighmokd told Lord 
Bipov) is to be taken up where it was left last Session. 

Then their Lardskipf adjourned after the usual tweatf 
minutes' chat. 

{Commens,)—mi H. D. Worn and Mr. Stajtkopb 
got a great rise out of a find in the Indian archivesr— a 

February 14, 1880.] 



dispatch of 1869, in which the Macallttm More had, with his own illnstrions 
hand, tacked the title of '* Empress of India " to that of Queen of Great Britain 
and Ireland. A capital illustration how "coming eyents cast their shadows 
before," and a fair crow for Ministers. 

Correspondence with Russia ?ms been found at Cabul^(the seeds of tempest 
in Nkct Mahomed's tea-pot, we presume)— but will not be found in the Blue- 
Book just published. Government does not mean to giye any information about 
it at present, — an announcement reoeiyed with cheers and counter-cheers. 

Dr. AiTDissoH' drew Mr. Sclatsr-Booth in explanation of the non-appoint- 
ment of Dr. Farr to the Eegfistrar-Generalship. The Doctor's health was the 
sole and sufllcient reason. Lonl fisAOoirsFiBLD has the appointment, and is quite 
satisfied. (The Prehirr neysr does these things without pounds that will bear 
the brunt of question. He may haye been guilty of jobs. What Minister 
hasn't P But he has QATwr been found out in one. Dr. Farb and his friends 
had better go BO farther. He and they will only fare wone' liet him and them 
grin— or groan— and bMr it.) ^ ^ , •v 

Then the adjoomsd debate mi the Address plunged into that Slough of Despond, 
the Serbonian bog of Irish pistiess, the Home-Rulers, by Messrs. Rsdkond, 
Braw, the O'DoRoeHin, Jufinr Mac-Cartht, O'Gorkor Powxr, Major 
Nolan, and lesser light^ contending that the Qoyemment had been supine and 
shortsighted, wrong in thair choice of remedies and too late in applying them. 

The Chajtcbllor or thx bcHXQiTSR and Mr. PLUincET met the Eome-Rulers' 
charge with a firm front, and a bristling array of points, in proof that Goyem- 
ment had done their best— and that their best was as good as it could be. 

As at present informed, Pmek is bound to say they seem to make good their 

Of course there were a few passages of shillelagh-slogging between Messrs. 
Lewis and O'Coitnor Power, and Plttnret and O'Doimsix, a propoe of a yery 
unworthy subject of quarrel. Mr. Parrell, his denunciation of all channels 
for distnbutbn of Iri^ reliei but his ewn, and his exultation oyer a calamity 
that helned forward his agitation. Let Mr. O'DomfBix protest neyer so 
loudly, all Mr. Parkill has done and is doing, since the Irish distress set in, 
only proyes him capable <^ the worst that Mr. Plxoteet attributed to him. 

If English hearts feelit hard not to be hard against Ireland, Ireland may 
thank Charles Stuart Parkell. 

The debate was again adjourned, at half-past two. 

Action and B«aoiion« 

'* ftRST night Parliamentary utt'randei doUf 
E'en for this extremely dull century." 

But of extra liyeliness think how full 
The Extra-Parliamentary. 

Archibald's Hot and Strong. 

General Crealock— as we learn from Arceirald Forres's scathing article 
in The Nineteenth Century on Lord Chelmsford's conduct of the Zulu cam- 
paign—was always writing to the Commissariat for "pepper." He, like his 
Chief, Lord Chelmsford, has got it now from Our Own Correspondent, whateyer 
he may haye done from the Commissariat. 


How the United States Representatiyes *' extended the courtesy of their 
House " to Mr. Parvell.— By stajinsr out of it. 

Ahl if when they had got him in the House, they could haye kept him there I 


(Between Home-Rulers and English Parties.) 
Lord B, loquitur {after the Liverpool telegram) — 

nouOH with HoTOc- 
itulers wo 
Ere I wag at 
the helm* 
*twas thus 
permitted , 
And so to saye 

But 'twist those times and these, 1 trow, 

The difierence is all ; 
Coquetting with Home-Rulers now 

" Bismemherment '' I calL 

When 'tis not only fires to hatch 
From their sparks 'neath the emhers, 

But from us, perhaps, one memher snatdh, 
Kay, may he, seyeral memhers. 

There 's the length 'twixt good deed and sin- 
Beyond dispute or doubt- 
In tmngs we do with Liberals In^ 
And th€y to turn us (hxt, 

8o now that Nayal Samsat^s rams 
Haye missed their mark so wide, 

On Whitley's back and Dicky Sams', 
In triumph let us ride I 

COMma TO. 

{SmaH'tdlk StaU-enatched,) 

* ' This house is quite too delightfully dhamdng I ' ' 
'* Ah I there is the dear Duchess in thetGallery." 
*' Has the Earl much to do in the First Act F''^ 
" No, but the Cabinet Minister eomes on with a banner.'^ 
" I cannot tell you who wrote this piece." 
" Then, will you inform me who supnlied these arm-chairs f " 
** Why are you sitting with your back to the Stage ? " 
" Is that a Parmegiano topsy-turyy on the ceiling P " 
" Let us spend a couple of Acts in the Lobby P " 
'* What do you think of the situationP" 

" Don't mention it in the same breath with the refreshment-room." 
" I wish the Actors would be quiet and let me hear what you say." 
'* What do you say to ' poker '^ in r priyate box P " 
"Capital! Now this is what a theatreought to be." 
' ' Decidedly. Where did you say the Pit had gone to P " 
. '* To the Upper Cirdea, with all else in this oharodng theatre." 

= ' i%t n* \ 't ni4H i C3McapBata» 

The Ladies' CLtTR.— A French name for '*the KusseU"— i> 
Cercle Frou-frou. 

The two I.'s.— A brace of Incurables ; India and Ireland. 


The Saturday Heview. in an article entiUed " What is a Jingo ? " 
has answered that question in a manner which will considerably 
astonish Jinffoes generally. A* Jingo, it appears, is the most modest 
and peaceful of mankina. So far irom bemg of a bellicose dispo- 
sition, it is he alone who at the present moment preseryes the peace 
of Europe. But for his well-known pacific aspirations. *' a war 
yaster and more terrible than the world has oyer seen would at once 
break out." He belongs to no party, but, at the same time, " who- 
eyer should conyert the Liberal party to Jingoism, would confer as 
great a benefit on that party as he would on the country at large." 

This portrait is so true to nature that it deseryes a eompanion 
picture. ' * What is a Saturday Reyiewer P— A Saturday Eeyiewer is 
the most beneyoUnt of men. His life is spent in one constant endea- 
your to see the best side of eyerything. When oomjpelled by his 
conscience to find fault, he suffers more acutely than his yictim. In 
politics he is an adyaneed Liberal, and an enthusiastic admirer of 
Mr. Gladstone, especially on matters of f<»eign policy.^ His sym- 
pathies are with the people ; and he has a strong bias towards 
Dissent. No catastrophe could occur more disastrous to the progress 
of mankind than a deyiation. howeyer slight, from the admirable 
lines on which the Saturday review is at present conducted." 

Idea of an AnyANCBD Rttualist of a Social Tttrn and Conpirmrb 
SiiOKiNO Harits.— Cigar-ashes for Ash Wednesday. ^ — 



[FsBRUABt U, 1880. 



' And who 's this tounq Hkro tbbt 'bb all 

Our Gallant Colonel (who is not a Member thereof, to Mrs. Cimabue Broum, who is), 


Mrs, Cimabue Broum, "Jbllabt Postlbthwaitb, thb qbbat Pobt, toxt kkow, who bat bob Maudlb*8 *Dbad Kaboi8817ii * I 
Hb has just dbdioatbd his Latter-Dat Sapphics to mb. Ja hot hb BMAuriFULt^* 

Our Gallant Colonel. "Wry, what 's thbbb Beautiful about him ?" 

Mrs. Cimabue Brovm. **0b, look at his Oband Hbad abd Pobtio Faob, with thosb Flowbbltbb Etbs, avd that Exquuitb 
Sad Smilb 1 Look at his Slbkdbb Willowy Fbamb, as tibldibo and ybaoilb as a Woman's I That 's touno Mavdlb, stand- 
ing JUST bbhind him— thb gbbat Faintbb, Ton KNOW. Hb has just paintbd Kb as 'H^loisb,' and mt Husband as ' ABtLABD.' 
Ja VOT RE Divine V^ „_ „ ^,^, ., ,,-.,, ., , ^ ^ [The CdUmel hooks U. 

N.B, — PosUethwatU a/nd MaucUe are quite unknown to fame. ^ 


** Ifr. Gladbtonb has nerer addreased himself to the imagination of the 
Britiah people, only to their intereats."— i>^da<#. 

John Bull, tou are but a Boeotian ohap, 

Beery and boyine. baahfol, blunt, bucolio ; 
Shackled by moral njginents, and the map, 

Tou scaroe appreciate Fancy free and frolic. 
Her rapt outpouring, which you call clap-trap. 

Though couched in language high and nyperoolicy 
You 're apt to flout with foofish indignation ; 
In short, dear John, you laek imagination. 

But now 'tis time the littie that you haye 

Should be stirred up— I 'd rather not say tickled. 
Too long you 've funked the Conqueror's bloody glaiye, 

And for pretence of right and justice stickled : 
Pros;^ punctilio by whicn the Slay 

Will ne'er be. as he should be, soundly pidkkd. 
Kick out your fogeyish monitor, Morali^, 
And try a littie loose-laoed Ideality I 
Imagine, John, your simple, solid self 

A sort of Anglo-Saxon Auexabdbb, 
Lord o' the wond, supreme in power and pelf, 

Of all good mundane markets sole oommanoer I 
" Imagination is a tricksy etf. 

And you mistrust her '^ F— Don't be such a gander I 
If you donH shout your daims in language strident, 
You might as well go pawn Bbitannia's trident. 

There 's hardly any station one can name. 

In any latitude with shore or sea to iv 
But is important to your world-wide game. 

Forming, if not your gate, at least a key to it. 
Each key 's essential to your power and fame— 

A plain truth, though the world may not agree to it— 
Until of keys you 're getting such a stock. 
The world must dread a general dead-lock. 

Take any giyen spot. You 're planted there. 

Or may, or can, or will be, some fine day ; 
In all roads leading thither you must share : 

You might, oould, should, would wish to pass that way. 
F(H* ail contingencies you must prepare ; 

And so, should other peoples dare to stray 
Across, or near, or round about such places, 
Of oourse you must smash those intrusiye races. 

A glorious prospect, John I Does it not fire 

I our pamotio and imperial feeling F 
What I '* Seems to inyolye some things of which you tire, 

Insolent snatohings and insidious stealings" F 
Pooh-pooh I You 're ciyilised, and don't require 

Hi^n moral sanction for despotic dealings ; 
And if on other raoes you make rayages, 
It matters little— they are mostiy sayages. 

Don't groyel, John, in sentimental slime, 
Spreiid o'er low fiats by those who fain would humble 

Your proper pride. You are supreme, sublime, 
And not a poor parochial yillage Bumble. O 










Dinitizftd bv 


Digitized by 


February 14, 1880.] 



Appeal to conscience, oharp^e of cheat or crime — 

These are mere oraf tjr traps to make you stumble. 
If you to moral foes, like Gladstoks, truckle, 
Imagine hovr your many foes will chuckle I 

Tanered 's the man to teach you how to dream, 

Referring you to Fancy's magic mirror, 
Seen in whose many facets interests seem 

Innumerable as me shapes of error. • 
Truth— Glabstonb's favourite glass— with oleor oold gleam, 

Chills pride, and conscience strikes with thrillB of terror. 
To counteract which coward trepidation, 
Cut Tru&, dear John, and try— Imagination I 


Chapter VI. 
HinU— Deans— Certain — Lecturers— Profestors— Who f — jmch f 
— What f—DiffictUHes— Bangers— Sulks— Professor •-■ Papular 
— First Lecture, 

HATiNe already hinted at the person whom the present writer 
would choose as the first Master of Thespian, it will be as well^ to 
suppose the staff of ihBrmanent resident officials appointed, including 
the two deans, who, instead of being called Senior and Junior Deans, 
might be called—out of compliment to Mr. Boucicault's dramatised 
yersion of the Heart of Mid- Lothian^ and to secure Mr. GLADSTOirB's 
Tote and interest,— -.^nntis and ^fiie Deans, though this, on second 
thoughts, would be more appropriate to Curtain Colle^, where our 
fair girl-students could reoeiye their education in a HiriM of Curtain 

Jbnnib and Epfib Dbaks 07 OuBTAnr Oollboi. 

The resident officials,— not of Curtain College, but of ow Ideal 
Dramatic Colleffe, — if actors, would have to be actors oat of an 
engagement, and undertaking to remain so during thdr year d Mm, 
The lectures, not necessarily resident, would come down from town 
once or twice a week, and would not be expected to reside xmtil 
their term of office should arriye, when they could aooept or not, 
at their option ; with a fine in case of refusal to go to the benefit (« 
the College Funds. 

BuppoM the goTeming body had settled on a oouno ot leoiuNi, or 
suppose that some benefactor had bequeathed a lam som for the pay- 
ment of so many lecturers on one Bubieci, to be sefooted each term by 
the Master and Fellows, and further, let us suppose ene of the subjeots 
chosen for the Easter Term to be *' Rehearsals," the lectures b<ring 
diYided between Mr. iRYura (his own Stage-Manager at the Lyeeum), 
Mr. HoBACB WioAK (Stage-Manager at seyeral theatr«4,Mr. Bajt- 
osoFi (hiB own Stage-Manager at Frinoe of Walea's), Mr. HeuoirM- 
HBAD (his own Stage-Director at the Gaiety). 

From any two of these eminent Professors, the students would 
probably hear as opposite Tiews, on the same subject, as would theo- 
logical students hear from the pulpit at St. Mary's, Oxford, were it 

occupied at one time by Dr. Puset and at another by Dean Staiojet, 

both leotunng- on tJie same fandamtijalal dogma of Christianity* 

Who shftU aecide wheo Professor r disagreed 

Who haa praotically decided during the last quarter of a oentury 
at Oxford P Who f Wh^ every student for himself b« he oame to 
put into praotioe the principles ]aid down by the Frof«8»ori4 

The practice of the Dramatic SchooU would soon proye to the 
Student which of his professors had giren him the best adrice. 

But the reapousibQily would be taken off the Student's should era, 
to a consider able erty«Dt^ by the Master of Theflpian oollatiug the 
lectures, oarefnlly ©lamming themj ieleoting the best from each, 
and then at the end of the oenrie deliyering hii iumming up* 

Or eaeh student oould choose hit own profeaaor. Smith, e.g. elects 
to be taught by Prnfessor Akthur Ctcit, Jok I8 by Prof es tor John 
Hare^ BaowN by Profes&or Tiioenb RoBiJfBOir hv Professor Wae- 
KBtt. What would be the result P SifiTn, and all who agreed with 
SmitHi would end in beiog Cecilians * J ones and his oo- scholars, all 
jitum lliJLm ; B&cjwh and party all Tbokkks ; and Robiksok & Co. 
be WlitffeKa, Or* worae, suppose Sjrrm, Beown^ Jokes, and Rob- 
nrsoy united in selecting any ooe of these learned Profesaorv, to the 
ex elusion of the rest^ would not the other Professors wrap their dra- 
matic mantles round them, soowl in concert ^ and growl to tbemselvea, 
" Ha ! a time will oome I iJo mat- tar I ^' f Of course tbey would* 

1 will now supposa the Students assembled, to bear Mr* Bakceoft 
<m Rehearaats. He would probably say something of this stirt :— 

Aw— OentlemBB— tha ^ueatioii of a nh0«ml U of— i^— some 
importanoe. Without r^eanal, what ahoula we dof (Pause,) 
I don't know. {Pause,) With reheaYa«l, mHtjih wf 4or Not 
miloh. (Paus$,) 'Without re* 
hearsal, fxouLd Kaj piece be pro-» 
ducedf {Pause.) I don't ^mk 
so. (Paul* /or further consi^ 
iUrattonA Of eoursei I won't 
absolutely take my oath of it— 
but~I don't think so. It is net 
at all neoessary to rehearse with 
aii the soenes and properties 
every time. No* Not at all. 
A.otin^ should be independent 
of sueh— aw— accessories. The 
b«st prineiple to ffo upon la, 
''That it will he aU n^ht at 
nii^ht ; '' and if It is all riR-ht at 
nighty the end maybe considered 
as gamed. Whatover is right at 
Dignt, la right. At least, I 
should say so, shouldn't jou? 
{Applause^ during which the 
Lecturer consuiU nis manuscript 
through hiti eya-glass.) Gentle- 
men — aw-^the less time spent 
over rehearaal* the hatter rfor 
the Actors, and for the pieoe* 
To study elaborate details is to 
baulk inspiratioQ. What should 
we do witbout inspiration P 
{Pause.) I donH know. What 
do we do mih inspiration F {Pause,) I don't know. Not much. 
[Apphuse,) If at rehearsal it is fijced that the Actors are to stand 
in certain " 
the other, 

ohanoe f or _ -.-..,. . , . 

tnnity for inspiration F {Appm^Ae.) Gentlemen, no one can depre- 
oate — 1 say, no one can d^preoate, more than I do, the habit of 
alaTishiy adhering to the Author's text— of aervilely, I say servilely, 
carrying out instrtietions, whioh do not appeal totne head, or th^— 
aw— heart. Give mc a wc<3k, I may eay a few days, for rehearsal, 
and give ine tli© Theatre, wtill supplied with a stodc: of ordinary 
■oenery and ordinary properties—a drawingr-room interior, a poor 
ohamtler, a oottage exterior, a landscape-haeking, a street-eoene, 
and win^B and sky-bordert to matoh, and 1 will undertake to produce 
the fineat Comedy or Tragedy in the world at the ahortest possible 
notice. {Cheers from the Students,) You'd hardly think it is so, 
but— aw— so it IS. What necessity is there for the Actor to do 
more than have a fair knowledge of his part by the night of per- 
formance f I say, " a fair knowledge," adyisedly. For is there 
not an official called a Prompter in the Theatre? And I ask 70U. 
as men of sense, why diould that official he paid for doing nothing t 
Why should he he in receipt of a salary fxa prompting, when there 
is no occasion for his services P I don't see why he should. Do you P 
lApplause,) No, you don't. No more do I. If every Actor came 
penect on the fbrst night, or indeed on any night, then*- 

Tht Prompter's ooeapation 's gone. 

And his existence would be worse than unnecessary, it would be a 

waste of money, a useless ezpensiTe luxury. Wouldn't it f For 

iS,} 11 at Tenearsai it is lucea inai. me ^ciora are w eiana 
n positions at certain times, are to oroaa from one side to 
r, to enter and e^it at certain ** ones J 'where, I ask, is the 
[)r the development of genius, wherCi I inquire, is the oppor- 



[Fmbruabt U, 188a 


Polite Old (hntleman {in the Fog). " p£AT» Sib, oak tou kindly txll mi 
IT I'm qovho right fob Lohdok Bbidob?" 

Shadowy Stranger. <* LuM Bbi'obh? Goo* JokbI 'Nothbb Man 'shaxb 

Sbtatb'b mtshblf I I wan' t* fin' Luu Bbi'osh, too I Ta' mt Abm '* 

[Old Oent hurries off 

Mb. Pitnoh, Sib, 

As the praotioal man of the ninetMnth oeHtiurYf 
I addroM myself to yon. After two years' hard work the 
Committee sittmr upon the sarriTing Thunderer run 
haye managed to ourst it. The realisation of their plans 
has been a matter of the deepest oongratolation to all 
iooncerhed. I share in the f eelmg of general satisf aotion. 
But, Sir, we sorely ought not to stop here. Now that 
it has been provea that a double charge will burst the 
bi^g^t of our naval ordnanoe|Bhould we not test other 
thmgs in a similar fashion ? To explain what I mean, 
I giye you a few suggestions out of my note-book. 

LisT^OF Things that want Sbttuno. 

St. PauTe Cathedral— It has been asserted that the 
singiug* of the Charitj Children in the Dome threatens 
to endanger the stability of that portion of Sir Chbisto- 
PHBB Wbbn'b monument. Woidd it not be as well 
to g;et up a dozen of our Woolwich Infants into the 
WBsperug Ghdlery, and fire them simultaneously to see 
the eff^t 

The Crystal Palaee.-^lt has been rumoured, though 
the report has been denied, that the struoture requires 
renewing in all its main lines. Under these oiroumstanoes 
would it not be as well to hold the Easter Yolunteer 
Review on the roof to see how much of the glass and 
iron would be broken ? 

The British Museum.—For many years the ReadiD((- 
Room has been dosed at dusk for fear of fire. It is 
opened now in the evenings, thanks to the adoption of 
the electric light. Would it not be as well to test the 
indestructibility of the apartment by lighting a bon- 
fire in the centre, of a pile of all the now useless dupli- 
cates in the Library, moistened with, say, twd-liimdred 
gallons of paraffine. 

The Thames Tunnel,— It is asserted that if a hole were 
bored through the roof to the river the water would 
certainly enter and destroy the passaffe. Would it not 
be as well to test the assertion by making the necessary 

When these very interesting and useful experiments 
have been carried out, I will send you a score of others 

[ually urgent and not less instructive. In the mean- 

".e I have the honour to describe myself. 

Tour obedient Servant* 

Q. E. D. 


Statistics of Skating.— Figures on the Ice. 

my part, I like to hear the Prompter. It is a sign of life : and I 
believe the audience like to hear the Prompter; for, if they do 
not hear him, how do they know he is there P And if he be not 
there, are not the audience deprived of a portion of what they 
have paid for P {Applause.) As to study apart from rehearsal, I 
say tiudy a part at rehearsaL Bring your part in your pocket, and 
read it from time to time up to the very last moment. By so doing 
you will avoid becoming a mere machine capable of utt^ing only 
oertain sounds and word^ for, when your memory fails you, you will 
trust your ready wit, and thnR the house with one of tnose marvel- 
lous displays which we hear of in the performance of an Edmxtnd 
Kban. At least that's what I've always heard about Edmxtnd 
Eban. {Applause.) I suppose he really was a great man. I dare- 
say he was. Let us hope so. (Avplause.) If your acting depend 
on rehearsals, Gtotlemen— I— well, all I can say is, I pity you. 
What can it matter to the excellence of a Sir Peter Teazle tiiat the 
screen should be in a particular place, or that the screen should be 
** of the period," or, I will go so far as to say, that there should be 
any screen at all P If there be no screen, it is an opportunity for 
the representative of Ladtf Teazle to show her command of resources, 
as it will be also for Joseph and Charles Surface. Gentlemen, 
theatrical success is so entirely a matter of fiuke,— we have every 
ehance of making sl fluke with so many cues— hail hal— (/at^A<^)-— 
that I really begin to question whetner any rehearsal at aU is ab- 
solutely necessary. Gentlemen, you may taie my word for it— and 
note it down as an axiom^that *' short rehearsals make long runs." 
{Cheers from the Students.) 

Gentlemen, I thank you for your attention. I trust you all feel 
the better for the lecture. {Pause. Applause.) Thank you. We 
shall meet again on another occasion. At least I hope so. Don't 
TonP {Oreat applause.) Bless you ! and— aw^no more at present. 

Such might he the views of rehearsal as expounded by Professor 
Bangboft, Actor and Stage Manager. Next wedc we will assemble 

in the lecture-room to hear a lecture on the same subject from 
Professor John Hollingshbad, of the Gaiety Theatre, who will 
doubtless be received by a very large audience of those earnest and 
intelligent Students, most of whom (we must suppose) have already 
imbibed the teachincrof Professor S. Banoboft, late oi the Prince cS 
Wales's, now of ^e fUiymarket. 

( With Mr. Punches Compliments to Mr. ParneU.) 

" Thb Nltw York Tribune says that, as iiiir as the Americans are conoemad, 
Mr. Parnbll's risit has been a dead failure. 

*'The Ntw York World ealls his reference to the Duchess of Mabl- 
BOROUGH a violation of publio decency, and his assaults on the Mansion 
House Committee imfounded and scandalous. It thinks that the purses of all 
persons who are not parted firom their money with prorerbial ease and prompt- 
ness should henceforth be closed against him. 

<* The New York Timet says that his conduct is not unlikely to send a 
number of his countrymen to an untimely graTO. 

** The St Louis Oiobe^ a Democntio paper, pronounces the attack on the 
Duchess of Mablbobouok a shameless abuse of free speech, and says that 
the only way to teach decency to sueh men u to pelt them with eggs. 

** The Boston Put oaUs the attack ah unworthy, unmanly sot, and thinks 
that the sooner Mr. Pabnbll returns home the better. 

*<The Prooidenee Press says the attack shows Mb. Pabnbll to be as 
ignorant of lustory as of good manners. 

<'The Providence Journal compares Mr. Pabnbll to Dbnis Ebabnbt. 
And the Newark Advertiser oaUs him rabid and malerolent."— Dm^ News. 

Of the American ^ 
be said,*' When they 

lemter oaus nun noia ana maioroteniM -— xavmj j,iww9. 

organs of opinion, as of dramatis persona^ it may 
ey do agree, their unanimity is wonderful." 

ToABi and Sentdoent foe Ibish Abbentebs.— The Land we live 
out of. 

Februaby 14, 1880.] 





Thornpion {interrogalivelyt to Beauteous hU Haughty Dameel, whom he has Just helped to 
aligh£), "I bbo youk Pakdon!" 

Haughty Ikmsek ** I did hot Spbax I " 

Thompson. " Oh— I thovobt Y9V said • Thahks ' I " 


[A long %oay) after Theophrastus Such. 

** On 2nd inst., at the Street Police Office, 

a gentlemanly-looking yeunff man, who refuaed 
his name, waa fined ten ehillingi and oosti for 
using bad langoage." 


Now, all you nice young Ladies, 
Be warned by this, I pray ; 

Whoso murders the (Queen's rlnglish, 
For it will haye to pay. 

RMpect the words jour mothers 
Haye watered with their tears, 

And against your slangy brothers 
Shut tight your rosy ears. 

Go and win Wranglers' places, 
Go up in, and for, degrees ; 

But no more slauf^ phrases. 
Dear young Ladies I if you please. 


Bkfobb the Litxbpool ELScnoir. 
Liberal Organs. 
<< It will be at once test and oontest— for, 
&o., &c." 

Conservative Organs. 
'' A contest the Election is sure to be- 
but a test-— no !— for, &o., &o." 

Apueb thb Liyebfool Elschov. 
Liberal Organs. 
"The contest has been serere, but the 
test m^-for, Ac." 

Conservative Organs. 
** Severe as the contest has beeui it is as a 
test that the Election is so important— for, 

A Question for Kr. Punch's Putting. 

I FSAS that Peru will ne'er pay what is due, 
If she 's licked, it will surely o'ertask her : 

But as a poor Bondholder anxious to know, 
I beg to suggest that ' Udscar. 

QomrD Adyicb ok the Ieish Qjntaaov. 
—Don't ask it. 


Here we are again I The Houses of Parliament, as jxsml, have 
re-opened with the political pantomime. A plague of both their 
Houses I Confound their politics on either side I Mine may be the 
rrmse of LiberaL But 1 am no ConseryatiYe. A CooBeryatiye is 
satisfied with thinn as they are. I am not. In my opinion, the 
best thing you could do would be to repeal eyery Act of Parliament 
d KDj consequence that has been passed since 1829 inchidre. Con- 
seryaliye ! So called from conserying the legislation of the Liberal 
Party. Yah I I scorn the epithet. 

As there seems to be nobody in Parliament who. whateyer he may 
tilink, is ready to propose undoing all the work of so-called Reform 
for the last one-and-fifty years, of course, my yiews are unre- 
presented. Accordingly, I detest all Parties equally, with a cer- 
tain reseryation in f ayour of one which ii in fact rather a set than 
a party* I mean that section of Home-Rulers inyidiously nicknamed 
Obstruetiyes. Their highly successful endeayours to impede legisla- 
tion at any rate answer the purpose of arresting all change for the 
presenjL and in |>articular of defeating democratic measures proposed 
by a Conservatiye Goyemment with a yiew to outbid a liberal 

Now that Parliament has recommenced the task of talkinff , I 
trust the Obstructiye Home-Rulers will attend eyery night in their 
^aoes, and resume their useful occupation of trying to render it all 
Tbxet pr€eterea nihil! A safe and speedy return to Mr. Pabitell I 
In the meantime his excellent oompiatiiots will, I hope, be. able to 
work the Modk-sYstem on the Parliamentary line sufficiently well 
without him. There can be no further ''progress" for tiie so-called 
ConseryatiYe Coach so long as the Irish Xka continues to stop the 

way. The occupants of that yehiole are, as the)r themselyes might 
put it metaphonoally, stopping the same road, with yours truly, 

Methuselah Moxtldiwabp. 
P.S.— There are yet left some genuine Liberals and Radicals 
who ought to bo thankful to the worthy Irishmen permitted to 

Sursue their useful game of Obstruction in the House of Commons. 
Q long as they only persist in doing that, and do it thoroughly, our 
liberties, so many of which Libends and Conseryatiyes, between 
them, haye latterly curtailed, cannot be made still less. Success to 
the policy of Obstruction, in so far as it tends^ by stopping all re- 
strictiye measureiL to preserye the small remainder ox an English- 
man's freedom. To that extent, the Irish Obstructiyes for eyer^ 
say I, and may Mr. BioeAE neyer be less I 

CKins and Governments. 

** Mr. SuLLiTAN said he waa prepared to aubitantiate aU theie fire ohargei 
against the Party now in power.^'— Dai^ Taper. 

" Two charges burst an Eighty Ton,'' 
Shouts SuLLiYAJT, '* thcu, look aliye : 
The Goyemment 's a bigger gun,— 
Here goes to blow 'em up irithflve ! " 

Something like a Sensation-Heading. 

" Thb New York Herald annonncee in iti impreaiion of to-day that it has 
opened a aubicription list for the relief of the distress in Ireland, itself heading 
it with a donation of one hundred thousand dollars." 

Such a Herald, eyen if Ultra-Republican, deseryes to be appointed 
Ulster King, if not at Arms, at Helping Hands. 



[FlBBUART 14, 1880. 



Awr Lady 
i^ndinf a 
GeDtlcman a 
Valentine will 
be held ipso 
facto to have 
tendered that 
Gent I Oman an 
offer of mamag'e, and b^ bound 
bj the consequeneea* 

The Yalentioe may be a 

work of Art of the usnal 

oharaeter, or it may take the 

shape of a wat^ch, a set of 

Btuds, a dreseing » case, a 

writing - table* a jewelled 

meerschaum, an a^Aortment of oigara of the 

choicest branda, or a ridinR-hor&e, (]S".B. — 

There are no limits to generosity, but it should 

be borne in mind that there are ]imit?i to the 

dtmensiona of packets carried by the General 


In every ease the Valentine should be aeoom- 

panied by a i>hotogTaph and a eeftifled eopy of 

the birth register. 

The Valentine must be enclosed in a re^fistered envelope; and to insure M>eeial attention 

being ^d to it, should be bound round with white satin nbbon. It must be posted by the 

sender in person, but she is at liberty to wear a thick veil, and to wait, if prefmsd, until it 

is duslc. 

The consent cl parents or ffuardlans need Hot be asked ; but il the Ittdy is A Ward of 
Chancery, the sanction of the Court must ilrst be. obtained. 

Until the setder has a positive assurance that her Yalentine has been accepted in the 
spirit in which it was ofEered, she is not to divulge the secret to more than wee bosom 

Any matrimonial engagement which maybe the result of a Valentine despatched under these 
regulations, will be deemed invalid and at an end unless it is followed by a marriage before 
the expiration of this present (Leap) year. The Postmaster-General will feel complimented 
by an invitation to the wedding^breiOcf ast ; and a liberal gratuity should be given to the 
postman by whose hands the valentine was delivered whien has brought about the happy 


{Bif PropheUe Cable.) 

New Torky Monday. 

It is mmoored that our talented young 
inventor has discovered a wonderful ii<;^uid 
that will, without doubt, supersede wme. 
beer, and other now popular drinks. Until 
the patents have been secured in the four 
quarters of the globe the secret of the 
manufaoture will not be divulged. It is 
whispered, howevef. that water will form 
one of the prindpal ingredients. A com- 
pany has Deoi formed^ entitled "The 
Original Beverage Association," and the 
100-doUar shares are already quoted at 50 


The new invention is progressing favour- 
ably. The Professor has discovered that 
sugar can be used with advantage. Several 
exi>erts from New York have reported 
favourably, and the original 100-dollar 
shares of the '* 0. B. A.'' are already in 
great request at 2000 dollars. 


The Professor is baffled— of course, only 
for the moment. Perfect amalgaou^tion of 
the elements of the new discovery has not 
been, as yet, thoroughly effected. The 
shares of the Association are now quoted 
at a oonsiderable reduction — 100-dollar 
shares might have been had this morning 
for 50. 


Glorious news ! Our young Professor is 
once more triumphant I He nas discovered 
that a vegetable substanoe lar^y grown 
in Asia can be added to his mixture with 
great effect. The shares are once more at 
2000 dollars. 


Evervbodir is talking of the new inven- 
tion. Our citizens are perfectly wild about 
it. The process of manufacturing the be- 
verage is as follows. Some water is heated 
to boiling-point (this was discovered by 
accident], the liquid is then poured into a 
feceptaole oontaining two or three spoon- 
fuls of the vegetable substance (which 
can be procured in large quantities from 
China) ; the whole is then sweetened with 
sugar. It is said that milk ma^ be added 
without spoiling the drink, and with a view 
of testine this point, an enormous number 
of cows nave been purchased and trans- 
ported to Mr. Ebadtson's workshop. The 
shares of the Company have risen to 4,500 
dollars for a 100-doUar share. 


It is now asserted that the new beverage 
is merely a drink known for some oenturies 
in various parts of the world as ''Tea." 
As Mr. Readtsoh's inventions are always 
startling in their originality^ this report 
must be taken for what it is worth. 
However, the shares have fallen oonsider- 
ably. a 100-dollar coupon having been 
purchased this morning for five cents by 
a collector of curiosities. I may add that 
several of our oitizens have made larse 
fortunes by timely realisations.^ 1 shall be 
able to report a new invention of our 
talented young scientist in the course of a 
few days. In the meanwhile I may hint 
that his latest great invention, his latest 
that is, since the Electric Light, is shelved 
for the present. 

Mb. PuKcm's NoTiCB of Motidit (is boos 
▲s YossoraLE).— '* To ask Kr. Pa&nsll how 
much he would take to stop where he is f " 


February 21, 1880.] 



FhilafUhropie Old Lady. 


street Arab. "MothxbI 
F0& 't, ah oan tbll tx 1 " 


*'BiJUHi MX, Child t whxxb did tov sxt that 

BuT^MumphanUjfi-^AM oat hxb Tsxxi Koimu 


** Cak it bi Taui ?~A OorrMpondent aiks this ciueslion ia 
referenM to ih^ following report: — ^At the meeting of the 
AzioiiMter Board of Ouardiant, on Monday, the Rot. R. Matson, 
Lata Curate of Membury, Deron, applied for an order to enter 
the workbouM aa a panper. He nad been Curate for thirty 
yaart, and had ne^er oeen offered a liring, and had nothing to 
depend upon. The Ouardiaoa thought it a ?ery hard case ; and, 
aa (here waa no altematire, granted the order/" 

SHRumc waa his frame, and bowed hia back, 

Hia faoe pale, sad, and spare ; 
Wbite-seamed his suit of rusty blaok, 

And thin his silver hair. 

Witb shaky hand and mien subdued, 

His old hat he did dowse, 
And of the Board of Guardians sued 

An order for tbe House. 

Thirtjr hard years of Curate's work— 
'Twixt marriage, death, and birth — 

'Twixt saye and spare, patch, pinoh; and pare^ 
None now left round ois hearth. 

More dull and dark Life's evening grown, 

While no Churoh-liying nears. 
After Churoh-starviniiCt too well known, 

For all this length of years. 

What rest for the old Curate's head 

But the grave still and deep— 
Wherein these years through he hath read 

So many to their sleep P 

Yes, one rest more !— to win that one 

He craves the Board's oonsent— 
The workhouse I Why its shelter shun ? 

For workers it was meant. 

Who fairer tale of work can show. 

From manhood's prime to age P— 
Work like his Master's, crowned, we know, 

With much his Mast^'s wage ! 

The Board debates, regrets, demurs. 

But grants the order due. 
They print it in the newspapers, 


Thx Bi«ht Title for thx Pvchxbs ov Marl- 
XOROI79E.— Lady Lift-tenant I 


I AM a year older. The hair on mr orown is lest, tiie protuberance 
in my figure greater. I avoid hilly ground more and more. My 
digestion is a matter of history. I am farther away from a pillar- 

I wish that article on " Mithbedates " for the Erusyelepadia 
CowMvolitana were begun. To-morrow morning, if possible, but 
certainlv the mdming after, I will get up at four, light my own 
fbe^ and bring all my powers to bear on Mithrtdates. 

I wonder what the Chakcellor of the Ezoseqiter's morning 
.musings are if he wakes as early as 1 do. Does he fall a-thinking 
of his great Bill, his Bud ret P Does he dream of a surplus, and 
awake to a deficit P WiU he tax my dgar, or my grog, or my 
income P 

Would that yonder file held nothing but receipted bills I 

What did Dr. Poba.6SR say P— that there was undoubtedly a gouty 
tendency in my system. 

Phtl is ooming back from Colorado, not with a fortune, but with 
a wife and four children. 

I oould have overlooked it, if the postman had passed this morning 
without calling. Rupert writes for a remittance: Ernestixe is 
enamoured of a young gentleman who has his way to make in the 
world^ but possesses a beautiful tenor Toioe; and Aunt Faitnt is 
sure I shall be yerr pleased to hear that she is going, after Lent^ to 
bestow herself (ana her thirty-five thousand pounda) on her medical 
attendant— who will be the junior partner by at least fifteen years. 

The boys are coming back from School I They have got the 
measles at Dr. Prtice's. 

'* Messrs. Maitsfield akd WooDHonsB present their compliments 
to Mr. Peckerdown, and regret extremely to say that there is not 
at present sufficient activity in the publishing departanent to warrant 
them in producing the Byzantine Mietory, except at Mr. Pecker- 
Dowx's own risk. They therefore return the MS. with many thanks 
for its perusal." 

My tenant, Cropitill, has Just been here to pay his rent. I haye ' 
been obliged to allow him an abatement of thirty per cent. I asked 
him to lunch : perhaps it was as well he wished to get back by an 
early train. 

My wife tells me Cook is going to le&ye to be married. She suits 
us sidmirably, being a rare conjunction of ability and economy. I* 
can neyer hc^ to taste such cutlets and tomato soup again. There 
will not be much scope for her acquirements at the fireside of Mill- 
house the gasfitter. 

I was just a day too late for the allotment of the new shares in the 
Bank of the Tropics. I see that they are quoted at a high premium. 

Very little progress seems to be making in my Chancery suit. 

A first and nuai dividend of W» i* declared in Slope's bankruptcy. 
My daim was oyer £1500. 

Marmadukb has failed in the preliminary Examination for the 
Civil Service, his notions of orthography not being in unison with 
those of the Examiners. What do these high-priced schools teach P 

I hear wonderful accounts of Srn*s progress at £edahaw— in 

Seasonable Beadinr^the weak state of the Reyenue, the analysis 
of the fiuid supplied by the Metropolitan Water Companies, the 
prooeedings of the Home-Rulers in Parliament, and the Assize 

I have three distasteful things to do to-day— To giye instructions 
for my will, to make a formal and long-postponed call, and to* 
get my hair cut. 

Another Jury Summons I [ Collapse. 

Past Praying For. 

The new Bankruptcy Bill contains provision for punishing re- 
deiyers who keep the prooeeds of Bankrupts' estates m their hands 
for more than ten days. 

Ah, Sir JoHir I do what you will, we doubt your powiw to upset 
the old saw, '* The reoeiyer is as bad as the thief." O 

















2 go 


Z ^S 







55 V 
g s 





Februabt 21, 1880.] 




The Laird (to hu CfarditMer, who had taught iomehody trespoising), '* Hum ! And tott bat, Saumdxbs, that tb£ Fsllow was 

Gardiner. ** 'ImpidsntI* 'Bsbd, Snr, if hi qad bbbn thv L4iiq> hiubsll hb oovld na has bbbn itaib iLt-BBSD I '* 


(Sketch for a coming Tragedy,) 

'* As long as the Maiiagen stop short of homioide, the Homb Sboestabt 
does not seem to care by how Uttle they clear iV*''Satttrdap Seview, 


ScxHB— ^» Official Chamber — Diecovered Impertiirbable Home 
Seoretary. £fUer Excited Philantoropiflt. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, Ah, here yoa are again I Take a 

Excited Philanthropist. A ohair I Ton don't xmdentand me. 
Listen I There 's not a moment to lose. At the rehearsal yesterday 
of the '' new feature " in the programme of tiie Royal Qlamatoriiim, 
the poor girl missed the wire with h^ little finger, and in the retom 
spring was flung oyer the refreshment-counter. It 's a numstrous 
cruelty. You must intervene I [Burete into tears. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary. My dear Sir, do calm yourself. 
Intervene F You see I'm in a position of extreme difficulty. 
Besides, believe me, these things are far less dangerous than tliey 

Excited Philanthropist (wildly). Dangerous I I tell yon she lay 
there, quiverins: and insensible. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary (slightly interested). Bear me I 
But—you see— ah I (Considerate Reoreator is announced; and 
enters,) This gentleman, I am sure, will be able to give a satisfac- 
tory explanation of the contretemps. 

Considerate Eecreator, Is. two twos, Mr. Secretary. The thing 's 
as simple as can be— a child could do it. Our little Ljethb taxes 
the bar, and is wropelled. This carries her ninety feet horizontally, 
during which she revolves twice, catching the transverse flying 
swing, on its return, with her ankles. Then come the half circular 
swoop, the plunge backward through silver paper, and the final 
osftoh of the wire by her little finger. Then the head-foremost 
descent, and there you are. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, It seems very simple. Really, I 
should like to see-r — I mean— do. you think it 's quite safe f 

Considerate Eeereator, Safe I Why, you could do it in a week. 
The difficulty is togo wrong. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, Ah ! Wellj I 'm sure I 'm very 
glad to hear it. CEncouragiAgly to Excited Philanthropist.) There, 
my good friend, don't alarm yourself ; you hear what this gentle- 
man says ; there is no occasion for it. You know I told you these 
things are far less dangerous than they look. 

IRelapses into imperturbability as Act-drop falls. 


Sai£B ScaoffB— Imperturbable Home Secretary discovered as before. 
Enter More excited Philanthropist hurriedly. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary. Why, here yon are again. Wbat 
is it now ? Take a chair. 

More excited Philanthropist {f^sterically). A chair! Come: 
there 's not a moment to lose. It 's the most revolting exhibition I 've 
ever seen in my life. (Seizes him.) Come I Every one looks to 
you to stop it I 

Imperturbable Home Secretary. Stop it! You don't mean to 
say (rearranges his collar). 

More excited Phiianihrovist. I do. The silver paper has given 
way. The crash was terzino I The poor girl- — 

Enter Considerate Reoreator. 

Considerate Eeereator. Is goinr on capitally, Mr. Secretarj. A 
mere slip. Look here. (Flourishes a couple of medical certificates 
in his face,) Mere conoussioD, temporary vertigo, partial paraljrsisi 
and compound fracture of a transient character, tihe 's advertised 
for Thursday. Plucky litUe woman I 

Imperturbable Home Secretary. Dear me! Most remarkable! 
But wouldn't it be better now, if, as these little risks will occur, 
you could get a lay-figure, for instance f 

Considerate Eeereator. Saw-dust F No, Sir. The pubKp,-when 
they pay their money, like to have flesh. O 



[February 21, 1880. 

Imperturhahle Home Secretary (rejUctivuly). Ah, yes I I dare 
sayl I suppjse-a dojjr, now P ^ . .. « ,. ^ 

OmsidMrale Recrmtor. WKat?— and let ns in for "Crnelty to 
Aniraali ? " No ; that wonld never do. [ They both laugh, 

Mort excited Philanthropiet, This is inl&nman I And do yon 
mean to say, then, that yon are not ffoing to do anything P ^ 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, Well, yon see, I don t think so— 
at least, not at preaent, {Belapsee once mere^ as Act-drop falk. 


Sake Sgeks— Impertnrhahle Home Secretary, Indignant Fhilaa* 

thropiat, and Considerate Reoreator, dieeovered. 

Indignant Philanthropiit, Well, was I right or not P ' Are yon 
sati8&<d now P Here— here 's the report. (Meade harrowing details 
of a fatal accident fi-om an Evening Paper,) 
» Imperturbable Some Secretary, Yes— dear me— a sad misfortune ; 
and most annoying to me after the assnranoes I haye reoeiTed that 
there was no sort of dan^. {Reproac\fUUy to Gondderate Be- 
creator.) Yon know I quite trusted to you. Indeed, I may say I 
left myself entirely in your hands. 

Considerate Recreator {touched). Well, lean't say that ymi didn't 
You gave us every chanoe. But there— if you forget to hang the 
wire, where are you P It will be a deuoe of a drop to the business. 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, Yes, no doubt, and I am sorry 
to hear it. But you see, I am afraid I must intervene. The young 
woman, I think I understood you to say, was P " 

Indignant Philanthropist, Allied on the spot I 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, Dear me — you don't say Id. A 
Tonr sad accident {apologetieally). and obliges me to at last 

Indignant Philanthr(tpi»t. Ah I at last. 

Considerate Recreator, You don't mean it I 

Imperturbable Home Secretary, I really do Tolstop ike Per- 


Slow Music, Curtain, 


Db. W. H. RusssLL— the doyen of War-OorresDoadoits, by 
virtue of service no less than seniority— has been publishing in the 
Daily Telegravh letters detailing instances of the most serious and 
repeated breaones of discipline amouff our troops in the Transvaal. 8ir 
Gajutst Wolsklet has branded these statements by telegraph as 
** gross ezagfferations and transparent unlmths.^' The Doctor has 
since deolarea that he has stated nothing but what he saw himself or 
had at first hand from eye-witnesses ; and we have no choice but to 
believe him. 

Thus reiterated, the oharges will have to be met by more than a 
telegraphic deniaL They are serious enough to get up more than a 
rustle— a row. The sooner these allegations ni insubordinatioi& are 
seriouslv looked into the better. 

Can the late cutting of the Oat's tails b« at the bottoms or rather 
at the back, of it P 

Are we to conclude that ** when the Oat's away the mioetotZ/plaj " 
in this very ugly fashion,— netting drunk, wrecking and looting 
under their officers' noses P It is earnestly to be hoped not-^or the 
'* harmless, necessary Cat " will have to be brought back again, and 
we shall be driven to the oonclusion that our iHildiera are ruffians 
only to be kept in order by the means appropriate to ruffianism. 
Absit omen ! Far be it from Punch to say or think so, but he 
hears it said, and he knows it is thought, by many weurers of Her 
Majesty's uniform. He grieves that colour snould be given to such 
words and thoughts by the reiterated statements of Dr. W. H. 
Russell, an authority we still accept as unimpeachable, even after 
Sir Gabitxt*! sweeping telegraphic eoatradiotion. 

Head of the Cabinet— Lord BEAOOirsFm^ 
Tail of the Cabinet— Lord B. concealed. 


Iv what do the wordy Debates in the Hense of Commons resemble 
Turkish Bonds P Absence of Interest. 

AvsuoaK eMcumAimnf • 

'1^ an ill wind that blows nobody good. The ktt Ibgs provided 
the Ritualist CSergy with an excuse for Candles. 

Vest DiFPEBEirr.— Thert is no feal Harmony between ConMr- 
Tatives and Home-Ralers, though there may be Alno-HAiucAN-y. 


Chapter VII. 

AnotherLe^ure— Remarks— Casting Vote—Uffect^Announeements 

—Kext Subject, 

LvAmmE the Se<N>nd at the Ideal Dramatic College on the subject 
of '* KeheiLrsal *' (which Mr. Bavceopt has already treated in the 
previous Chapter), will be giyen by Mr, JoHK HollutosheaI), who, 
hfffre the same StudentM, would probably inculcate the following 
prftotical and most ueeiiil lesson :— 

Gentlemen f for my p«rti a&d giving you the result of my lengthy 
and varied expericnue, no piece, however slight, should be attempted 
under^ at least, «we months careful smd laborious rehearsal. 

At the first rehiArBal the Actors should all come perfect in their 
words-*ahaolubely p«rf«^b— no nonsense about it, no ga mmon , no 

shirking, no bogus, absolutely 
perfect. ^Hear, hear!'') The 
soenes and properties should be 
all there from the yer^ first, just 
exactly as they are going to be at 
the Tory last. {Applause from 
the Students,) It is only in this 
way that sucoess can be achicTed. 
There is no royal road to sucoess 
— and Borne was no more built in 
a day than can any one of the 
meoes you *Ye ever seen at the 
Gaiety—take Robbing Roy^ for ex- 
ample—be produced under, as I 'ye 
said before, at least six months. 
Six months I 'pen my soul, now I 
come to think of it, I would far 
sooner say six years. Nothing on 
the stage must be left to chance. 
The doctrine of *' Short rehearsals 
make Ions runs,'' ii only true, if 
qualified By the amount rehearsed, 
and not as to the duration of each 
rehearsal itself, or to the whole 
series. *' Short rehearsal" should 
be only a comparatiye term. I don't 
belieye in the parrot-cry of the 
BritLsh workman about ** short 
hours." I say, go in a buster for 
it when you do go in, and keep the steam up for a whole year of 
reht?afsal8 if neoeasarf. {Greai cheering,) Glad to see you like 
my plan. It 's the oaly genuine, praoti(»d one, I can tell you that. 
For example* say we are only going to dcTote our attention one 
morning ta a portion ot a Comedy—half a Scene of one Act— this, 
thongh it Hhould oodipy tha Actors, the carpenters, the property- 
men/ the orchestra, and all the empk^^ for the best three hours of 
their lives, would be oomparatiTely a short reheanaL 

' Itehearse bit by bit, go ijver it again and again, and get each 
bit pwriect. Doa't trust U> the Prompter. He is only paid to 
prompt in caie pfompttaf »hould be necessary. The Prompter is, so 
Vi 9p4;ivk, the «tiLge-dootor. He ia called in when aomebody ffoes a 
little wrong. But he ahuuld neyer be called in when eyery thing in 
(foing like clockwork. {Cheers from Students,) Trnst nothing to 
inspLration. In cki^ioal lingo. Inspiration be blowed I {Immense 
chf^ering.) Knew exactly what you are going to do, and what 
every bijdf eltia ia going to do. Ton do yours, and they do theirs. 
Each Actor, from the principal to the super, should be poesessed 
of a thorough knowUdge of the entire story of the piece in which 
he is playing a part. What the French call the ensemble is the 
grand secret. Ju»t see the French Company of the ThHtre 
Fr&ncids at the Gaiety, that 'U giye you some idea of my 
meoniDg. The Bceoery and properties, exactly as they will be 
for the puhlio performance, must be used at every rehearsaL ao 
matt«r how tdight the mititake, or how important the Artist who 
makea it, let him go over and oyer that particular passage again 
and again, imtil the Stage Manager and the Author are both satis-, 
lied. No dillydallying, no sulkiness, no tantrusM, but oyer and oyer 
again, round goes the wheel, till the machinery works without a 
hitch. {*' Hmr, hear!^') Ruat cesium fiat justiUa'-mhAT bad 
hoii&cfl lor a year, than that any piece should be produced with 
inan^cieut rehear&al. {Loud cheers from SttUlents^ Gentlemen, 
you will oblige me by just tippinff the Gyps in attendance to take 
TOUT caps and gowns in the cloak-room, where you will see a 
board, requGsting yea to obierye the yital principle of **ftemeBibev 
the Boxke«per/' 

Ocntkinen, the l^ture ii oyer, and whether called to be Aotos or 
Stage MaQajT^rs, I am sure you will do wisely to lay these le«ons 
w^a t.i h^-iirt. Genrkm^^n, you can skedaddle. Aurevoir, bless you! 

Fbbbuabt 31, 1880.] 



The two fore^ing Lectures froiii Mr. BiKCKOti and Mr. floi^QrasnxAB will oo&Tej 
some alight idea of the difference of doctrine on the same subject* Who shall decide f The 
Master and Council, the Master having the casting Tote, and the " casting " Tote here 
will mean whether the Professor, whose teaching is reprobated, shall he inoludsd in the 
Dramatis Persona in the hills of the Ideal Dramatic Colleffe. 

At the end of eyery term a notice eoald be placed in Hail anammelif thu 


B^Bnan ov tiofuixs vob no Sirtvnr* Ttuc 

On Iha BeliTery of Blank 

Yerm* . . . « 
On the Ncisetnt J at Oeor 

and Distinct ArtioiilAtion Ifr. H. iMJonU 
On the Elective Kipres- 

iioii of Emotion . . * 
On thi Duty of SpeaJcinff 

the Author's Text, and 

the Femidous £^«ct of 

*' Gagging" , 
On the l^ec^Bsity of Per- 
fect Repose in Acting « 
On the Bad Etf(*t5t»of the 

Siiiffle Star Syatemj and 

thti Absolute Neceafiitf of 

a Fjj-!*t'tat« AU-round 

Oompaaj • • • • 
On the DanMM of Sz« 

aggeratkm im Gharfoief 

Acting « « • • 
OntheSaae and SlaMiioe 

Bsiential to ft light 

Gomediaa • • • « 


Xr. J. Haw 

Mr. L»nrxL BioiroK. 
Mr. QuAJUM WTvtauM. 

Ify. h Jm Toqu, 
Ifr. J. W. Amnr* 

lir. Waueh Lier. 

KoTi.~LMliidfa^r nedat kftnoUons <m how U eiit« a 
room ai if joa weie Somehodj; how to remare the hat, and 
unhvtten glores, how to replaoe hat on head, how to rs-a(yi»^ 
gloTss, how to exit so ss to ooofoy the jsap r ss iio n that you 
really aie BosMbody. The Isotuier will Mng his own hat 

and i^lorei, which wilt noi he handed imnd te the Btude&ts for pvaetioe, iSrsry Btudent re%iii«ed te 

proride himself with these aooessoiisa. 

On Real and Personal Propertiei «#••••• Mi. AsrsFB CaoEL 

KoTi.— This Lecture will inchido matt whchi^ms adfiee as to the fomkhiB* ef the taUe tm ike 
Sta^ whether for breakfast, luncheon, tea, dinner, or supper. Further advice to Students on commencing 
their Dramatic Course as to what they are to eat, drink, or areid, on the Blsge. On the dangers of 
indigestion incurred by eating too much property-chicken, or drinking an extra clsas of *' some very 
good stuff" made by the property-man to represent wine, and highly recommended oy the management 
Hints as to extra salary if required to play eating parts, and a oertam allowance made for bringing yomr 
own food and drink. 

On the Ayoidamce of Any- 
thing like Monotony in 
Actrnpf , . , . Mr. HoBiOB Wieiir. 
On the Stage ai a Bobool 
for Speaking Correct and 
Claaei(] Eiigh»h 
On the Bad Effeots of 
** downing " in Corned j'* 
On Dignity of Deivorttnent 
in the EOghest Walka of 
Tragedy, on the Power of 
the Eye, and of QeneTul 
Breadth of Style , 
Oil the Advantagea of a 
Calm Manner, and a Slow 

and Imprefiaiye Deliyerri Mr* EoWAnn TlKBT« 
On the oai-ejfnl Use of the 
EkR-ht Hand, aad the 
Absence o^ Anything 
approaohiog to Manner^ 
ioa in Aotum • • 

On Sell«OQBaoioiiineB8 as 
Deetra elrye el Diamatio 
« <nw * « • • 
On the Eeadieet Means of 
Acquiring an airy, 
timoh-and-go, Tiyaoions 
Styley with a rapid and 
urtioniate pelivery of 
Patter Speeches . . Mr. Basbt SiTlliriV. 

I shall mm »roeMd to mgmA a ^ Kotee fef the Frofeisora' LeitiifM, pMrioot Id 
eonriderinf the e^BiUtation ef Onrtti^ ObUefe, ifhk its Presidflntess and folly oertifiesfced 

Mr. Dattd Jaios. 
Mr. Obsll, 

Mr. Thoicas Thoxitx. 

Mr. J. Rtszb. 

Mr. BmiSAifio* 

nmuummfp ovncuiixak 
Ths G^mm Minister of Finance it Herr Brmi. Oar Minister ef Finanoe mnil 
understand the peodhar snggestiTeness of su<^ a name. 


{Fhmk ths Jingo point of view.) 

CownN'g praise demands my song^ 
Co WEN wise and fJiiiwEN Btrong* 
Favourite of the Radical^ 
Yet true Briton before oil» 
He me&n Kpite^s Ion j^- boarded atorea 
JfeTer on our Premiek poui's ; 
Prompt to play thepatHot part, 
Liberal hand, hut Tory heart ! 
Hot to imireh hie honoured name. 
Cane Hi- cads against hLm came, 
But he gave the biutes a hiding. 
With Imperial DrzzT aiding^, 
Aiad, in apite of peltiBg EaJd^s stone, 
Kicking np bis boek at GLADStoKs. 
Fiery words in flue array 
Bwtpt all factious fudge away ; 
Boh L El in g theft and plottiag war^ 
Perjured Ruasia paied afar, 
All her hopes from Qlai>hton£*9 eteW 
Dashed by Cowfi:^ staunch and true! 
Though hie Yoioe be for Home Rule^ 
8ure that Tory is a fool 
Who at this |»ort>entaus crisis 
On that ticklmb point too nioe if. 
That 's a itick may do to thrash 
Wadot wild or Ruibat raab. 
But 'gainst CoirK;!fr, bold as <iUveit 
Raiie the a wk ward weapon f Neyer I 
An Imperiaiistio Bad 
Is not of t#n to bo had* 
Who can deal suoh useful blows 
As a friend amongat your foesP 
On he goen, through lo^ic crftshing, 
Fremiae with conulusiou claf^hingi 
On with helter-skelter vigour, 
Booming fact, and shirking £gni« ; 
Tory with Home^Rnle mates curt as 
His Impfrium et Ltht^tas* 
Tyne's dusk flood aud coaly ^ore 
Echoing to the battlers roar I 
Cheeked by torrent- tide of tropes 
A nti- Jingoes give up hopes : 
Wincing at each trenchant thrust 
I>aunt«d Dilke^ites bite the dust ; 
While the glowing periods ilow, 
Hats in air wild Tories throw. 
Mad with Russopbobist gleei 
E'en the eyaic P. M« G.. 
Stinting normal piah aad tosh, 
Oepdeseends to oominoii gash. 
CowEH b«ek tUl aU ia blue I 
F<^ If eweMUe's pride finifoo 1 1 1 


Chasioubs in old faroes and oomedies, 
and ia some modem noyels, were often 
named *' with a purpose ; '' as, for iastanoe, 
Quirky Oamfnonof &Mp^i!tud Solioitors'firm. 
ia Waeun's Ten Thousand a Year^ and 
the Her, Mr. Quiverful^ the Parson with a 
large family, in Mr. TKOLLOPlf 8 JBarchester 
Tower &,—\i\it it is not often we meet with 
a tboroughly neat and appropriate name 
In real life« When foono, it slionld be 
made a note of ^ and hwe it is noted aooord- 
ingly,— wid DiToree Coort report in Daily 
Telegraphy Friday, Feb. 13« when the fol- 
lowing witness was examined ; — 

'* WiUAiJi 8PTBT, a Prifste PtteetiTe. said 
that upon one oefiasion he was outside, Ito. «o." 

Cionld Mr« Tnouors kussell We in- 
Tented a bettar nam* lor a DeteetiyeP 
And the nevt witness, aoeordinf lo the 
repott, WM ft ksssr Sptbt, son of Bftbt, 
Ssiiier, itho in tha <M«urse el bdntr hrenght 
np in the way ho shonld to, lennd huneelf 
literal!/ ''up a tree." Beautiful name, 
SPTBrl When Mr. Punch wants to know 
how some of his yonnf men spend their time, 
hewillsendtoStTBT; hai, not tiU then I 



[FiBBUABT 21, 1880. 




Lord Beaeontfield.—To reocmdlei his Miniaterittl statdments in the 
House of Lords with the offioial ntteranoes of his subordinates in 
the House below. * To oondense the solid substance contained in 
** Peace with Honour,'/ and to define the '^Soieptific frontier" 
of North- Western India as now secured; 

Lard SalUfmry,^Tom9kQ the Sultait hear'reaaon, andi«daoe big 
and little maps of Central Asia to a oommon scale. To siit out the 
icrains of s^t from his own official utterances, Parliamentarr and 
extra-Parliamentary. To read his own and his chief's speeches of 
four years ago, especially those dealing with a certain '* master of 
gibes and sneers." x 

Lord Cranbrook.— To peruse the Indian Press articles upon the 
aims and management of the campai^ in Afghanistan. 

Earl CatnM.— To analyse our failures in the shape of Bank- 
ruptcy, Real Property Registration, and ConyeTancing Reform Bills, 
and to draw outlmee of measures that will worK in all three. 

Sir Michael Htcki-Beach. — To come 4o an arrangement (through 
the telegraph) with Sir Babtli Fbbbe upon the future of South 

Colonel Slanley.^To repent (in sackcloth and ashes) of his treat- 
ment of the Military Medical Department. 

Mr, W, H, 8mUh.—To add up the sums paid last year for 
repairs of Her Majesty's iron-dads. 

Lord John Mdnners^-^To write an essay upon the admmtages of 
the telephone. 

Viscount 8andon.^To enumerate the benefits to trade evidenced 
by the recent recoyeij in chemicals, and to draw up an essay on 
sdentific agriculture for tenant-farmers in Asia Minor. 

Mr, OoM.— To teach the Licensed Yiotuallen how to love him, 
and to arrange with the Metropolitan Board of Works a workable 
Bill for the purchase of sites for artizans^ dwellings. 

And, lastly— /S'tr Stafford NorthcoU. — But no ^the preparation 

of the Budget will be penanoe enough for him ! 

The LiyxBPOOL Majobitt (translated into a iZVtfmjM^no^ of 
2WttmpA).— Too— too— too— Won I 

{To the Garden of Academe), 

CoicB into the Tripos, Maud, 

For the dark old days have flown ; 
.Come into the Tripos, Maud— 

Were schools made for men alone P— 
Soon the Undergrade will be shouting abroad 

Tour name, love, as weU as my own ! 

See ! the slow old world moves on. 

If the planet of love bums shy, 
Beginning to wane, though not yet quite gone 
* Oat of modern yoimg peoples' sky. 
Will it faint in the light of the lists outshone, 

And girl Wranglers of *' Spoons " fight shy P 

There has fallen a splendid tear 

From a Newnl^m girl at the gate— 
For. Newnham to'Girton never came near. 

And Girton was all 0n /ete. 

The Galleries cry, " She '^s Eighth Wrangler, the dear !/' 

^d the Dons nod, " Bracketed eight I " 
And Girton listens,—" We hear, we hear I "— 

And Newnham whispers, '* I wait I " 

The Policy of Pit. 

^ Frem the Shads of Charles Lamb (" Slia*') to Mr, Bancroft ;— « ]^,thosf 
days were Pit orders. Beshiew the uncomfortable Manager who abohshed 

Notion for the St. Jame^e Theatre -irfwr^twrnen^.--" Who was 
PrrrP The Great Commoner. The Theatrical Pit should be a little 
commoner. Another row added to the Pit at ^Aw theatre I The most 
comfortable Pit in Lond<m I Reasonable Pit priogf. . S???^5?.?f^ 
to the Picture Gallery between the Entr'actes. Pitl Pitn,Pit III '' 

The St James's might then consider itself m suoowMfully |w«jy# 
against the Havmarket. Just now both are doing sumoientLy well, 
and neither to oe pitied. 



(AFTER [AliTD BEFORE] LANDSEER.) Digitized by 


Digitized by 


Fbbruabt 21, 1880.] 




Me. PukchI 

FPoaxD as I am to all 
innoyation, I much 
mialiked tne ohange of 
the Rojral Title effected 
a wee bit syne, through 
a Parliamentary Yote, 
by a so-called Conser- 
vative GK>vemment, 

I held that Her Most 
Chradoos Majxstt 
oonld bear no pronder 
title than that oi dneen 
of G&BAT Beitaut and 

Nor, even snppodnf 
Empress a name nu»e 
elevated than doeen, 
ooold I imagine any 
increase of dignity 
accruing to the Sove- 
reign from a distinction 
ooiuerred upon her by 
a Premier who is no- 
thing but a mushroom 

But now the import- 
ant fact has unexpeot- 
. , . „ . , edly transpired that the 

title of ExPBXSS of IWDIA. was originally given to the Qjjekm by no 
less a man than His Grace the Duke of Akotll, I think that Just 
alters the case altogether, considered as a question of honour. 

Politics aoart, Mr, Punch, I consider it one thing for the Prime 
Minister's Royal Mistress to have been constituted by her Parlia- 
ment, on his recommendation, an Empress, uid quite another to 
have had that highest gradation of earthly rank asaigiied to her by 
the Mao CALLTnc Mobb. 

I have the honour to be, Mr, Punch, a Tory of the Tories, 11 you 
please, and whether you please or no, but first of all 

^^^^^^^^^^ A BocmnouM, 


, Wnx you persist, friends, in the orqiect of setting up a gwfvn 
image to the late Prince Imperial m Westminster Abbey f i ou 
wiin WhyP 

Because he was a good younf man who, from inherited attachment 
and personal gratitude to this countrv, took part witi^ us a^^dnst 
Cbtbwato in the Zulu War, and laid down his life whilst engaged 
in fighting our battle P Dear friends, this supposition is as generous 
as it is absurd, nearly ; which is saying a great deal for you. 

Everybody but a donkey— present oompany exceptsd— knows pef- 
fectly well that Prince Louis Napolbojt interposed in our South 
African quarrel— with proverbial reward—in OTder to aoquire a 
knowledge of warfare. He went, for praotice in soldiering, to 
fight the Zulus, and kiU, or assist m killing, if necessary, as many 
as came in his wa^. Is this the sort id proceeding to be glorified 
by a monument m any place of worship where it is oustcmiary to 
recite the Sixth Commandment P 

Do you wish to make Frenchmen Imagine that we look with diaHke 
upon the RepubliOjand account the Empire France's only fit f^rm 
of Government P Would you have G^many suppose that we desire 
the revival of a dynasty bent on avenging Sedan r 

No, dear friends, if you must set up an image of that unforimiaie 
young^ BoKAPABTB, let it be not a graven, but a waxen one, and 
plaoe it not in Westminster Abbev, but in that mueh more suitable 
repository, Madame Tussaud^s, along with the other memorials of 
the BoiTAPABXSs already on view there. 

Scieatiflc and Shifting. 

Oh where and oh where is our Indian frontier gone P 

It's dodging 'twixt Herat or Merv and — say the Arotie zone* 

And it 's oh how we wish that its wanderings were done I 

Oh where and oh where did our Indian frontier dwell f 
It dwelt among the Sulimans, and we fancied all was weQ. 
But where it is now not Lord B. himself can tell. 

Suppose and suppose that our Indian finmtto's foundl 
U another Bogey rises it again may shift its ground. 
And it 's oh what a bore is this game of Brag all round I 


{By the PaU MaW$ Own OamapondenL) 

JTommi^.— Awoke after disturbed night Dreamt of yesterday 
evening's explosion. Breakfast. Picked men of the Roysl Body- 
guard on sentry at all the doors. Battalion of the Preobrajensky 
Regiment and park of artillery in the corridor. Police corps three 
deep at each wmdow, in order to intercept bullets, or to give warning 
if eivilian seen within sight of the Palace, While at breakfast read my 
oorrespondenoe^ Dbxntklk kindly opening letters, in case they should 
contain dynamite, nitro-glycerine, or other explosive substance. 

Jfler Breakfast. — Inremal machine discovered inside my private 
cigar-box. Gherman tobacconist suspected, as his wife, mother, and 
brother have been banished to Sib^a. Tobacconist arrested— to 
follow wife, mother* and brother. (N.B. In future Dbsntelk to 
inspeot cigar-boxes before I open them.) 

XtmcAson. — Same arrangement of guards as at breakfast. Terrific 
explosion. Left wing of Palaoe, containing Imperial Library, totally 
destroyed. Supposed to have been undermined, and mine fired by 
electricity. DniVTXLir thinks the perpetrators must have imagined 
that I was lunohing in the Library as I did yesterday. I see how 
wise was DBXimxir's request that I would never take a meal in the 
same room for two days together. Decree published banishing elec- 
tricians and manufacturers or importers of explosive materials to 

.4A«nt<Nm.— Informed by Chief of Secret Police that during this 
morning's domiciliary visits a young man was discovered reading 
the History of England. This spread of pernicious foreign literature 
must be stopped. The Third Section has given orders for young 
man's oonfinement in a fortress. On further inquiry, he turns out 
to have been educated at the University of Kharkoff. Decree pub- 
lished dismissing present staff of professors at Kharkoff , and replacing 
them by non-commissioned officers of the Ghiard. 

Took drive in eloee steel-plated carriage, escorted by drafts from 
different cavalry regiments. Thought suer than escort of one regi- 
ment. Carriagis earefully examined before starting, alio horses. 
Dynamite found eonoealed in their nosebags. During drive, great 
cheering from lo^al inhabitants. Man observed looking out of 
window with a stick in his hand. Arrested, and ordered off to 
Siberia. As DsumLH obeervea, it might have been a gun. 

Offered thanksgivings for safe return. Loyal telegrams from chief 
towns and districts, congratulating me on mv drive. Officer of Third 
Section onens all telegrams. Another terrific explosion : a hundred 
yards of the road I have just driven over^ blown into the air. Lucky 
mistake as to m]r time of passing. Wires found eonneoting mine 
with house of eminent philanthrmsl, who has Just returaea from 
Siberia. On his way back, met the rest of his familv going out. 
This a»pears to have irritated him. Order from Third SiBction for 
preeautumary arrest of all his acquaintances and tradesmen. 

Announce my departure for the South. Leave at midnight for 
Peterhoff J in a thira-dass carriage, disguised as a priest. 

On arrival at Peterhoff, sixteen explosions reported on Southern 
Perfect suoeess of rtiss. Regrettable depveciatiQn of Railway 
How can I help it P 

U foffcfirom the NbU Booh qfa Noble StaUman,) 

Mem.'—To look up a new phrase, vice Soientiflc Frontier, 

Mem.—'To seenre the laleiy «f the Channel Islands, by inviting 
Belk'iurn tc ocenpy Cberbeurg, and Spain to annex Monaco and 

J/em.^Xo Oppose ti^ machinations of the Russians in Central 
AsiA. by pT-cKdatmittg Her M^ost^ YicroiiA Queen of Znluland. 

Mem.— To appoint all the availaUe ^inees of the Blood Royal 
OuTemors of our Colonies and Dependencies. 

Mem.— To l^riiij? Lord Ltttov back from India as a Marquis, and 
to replace him by His Grace the Duke of Akotll. 

Mem.— To ftcu^ept a Dukedom, and to retire from the present 
MinifiLry in fayoiir of Lord Salibbttrt. 

lf«m.— To support Home Rule, and Rnglish Manhood Suffrage. 

Mem.'-To gag Sir Chajllbs Dilxb with a Ghirter, and bring 
Mr. CBLUCBX&LAnr, if necessary, to anchor with a Gk>ld Key, ana 
to offer the pick of Cabinet Officee to Sir W. Ysbnok Habooitrt. 

Mem,— To dedicate a New Edition of certain Standard Novels to 
Mr. Gladstoitx. 

JlsM.— And (in the efwt af the detet of the Ooasermime at 
the General EleetiMi) te leioni to Farliaamt as the aeknowledged 
Leader of the Qieat liberal, ConstitutioBa], and Patriotic Party. 

Thi ftroBT OF fffli Sooth WAB< 
—and Done— between two Gtotlemen. 

DioiMzfid bv V^OOQiC'i 
ax SLXonov Cdt sbtbf;.— xnrmr 



[Fbbbdabt 21, lt<80. 



/-^ry^g,, J^^^ST^ 

HoiTDAT, i^&/9'(Zordii).— The Mjloallvk Mobi oonfeaaed to 
haTinf dabbed the QuEiir *' the Empraui of India,^ lome ten yean 
ago, m a telemm to Shxbi All Thejr wanted an eqnifalent 
to *' Shah-in-Shah,'' and he hit on ** BmproM." The mistake was 

The Basntoi aie being disarmed. Lord CiBoeAir told Lord Knr- 
BEBJjnr^^'withdneregnu^tothenelingsof theinhabitant^^^ That 
is the way we do eyerything— inTasion and extermination indnded— 
nnder tiie present most considerate Administration. 

The LosB Ohutgillob tabled his Bill making employers liable 
for aooidenti to workmen oansed by the w r ongfu l act or negligence 
of servants in authority, though in " the same employment?' The 

FCBBUART 21, 1880.] 




•* Post 'em up, them Tory bills ! 

Paper 's plenty, paste is cheap. 
WitUers work with 'arty wills, 

And nnanermoiis as sheep. 
Heed that Gladstoits's oily tonfiroe F 
No, not me I " says Brother Bitjig. 

" 'Ate him and his thieying frang ; 

Rob the Chnroh, the land degrade. 
Let the bloomin' lot go 'ang ! 

Teach 'em to molest * The Trade ' ! 
Spite o' mnd by Mawworms flung, 
We wotes blue," says Brother BuifG. 

" Beer and Bible ? Right you are! 

Pooty pair ! and, wot 's more, winners ! 
Them Dissentera ban the bar — 

Rank us Publicans a» siouers. 
But the Church our praise has sung : 
Thei^ 're my men I " says Brother Buiro. 

*• Prinoerples P Well, these is mine l— 
England 's— like us Wittlers—one I 
Pall together— that *s the liner- 

And yer enemies is done. 
Tread 'em 'neath yer feet like dung, 
Wittl^rs' way ! " says Brother Buve. 

" Eooshian brutes, teatotal cads— 
Foes is foes, and must be crushed. 
Bkn *s the boy to dish the Rada ; 

He 's the i>arty to be pushed 
Hoist him to the highest rung— 
Wiitlers un'n .'" says Brother BxiKe. 

For Lord Lawrence. 
" A numerously-attended puMic meeting was held yesterday 
at the HaDsion House, the Loud Mayor presiding, with a 
riew of considering what steps should be taken for the erection 
of a suitable monument to Lord Lawbbmob. The speakers 
included T^rd Dbuby, Lord Qbobob Hamilton, M.P., the 
Dean of Wbstminstbb, BIr. Justice Stbfubk, Lcvd Kobth- 
bboox, and Lord Gbamtillb.*' 

If Punch might maktt a medest stktgestlon for such 
a tribute, it i^uld be a representation of the Scientific 
Frontier, and for inscaption— - 

M Si monumentum quezis, oireomtpiee." 


Some people are always suspecting the foreign policy 
of the Ghoyemment. Now they are beginning to smell a 
He-rat in Central Asia. 


SttiUh is going in for jffiah Art decoration, and wishes to eomhine the best of the 
* French and ^English Schools, Saving had his Walls Papered and Painted in 
the latest English style, he goes to France f^r his Hangings. 
''Orangb CoRTAiNst Bur, Monsuub PAFII.ABD, won't Obanob Cim- 


*<Pabblxu1 Hb is a Bbast, tqub 'Igb Blub Dado! abd I ybxsh to 


difficulty is to define ** servants in authority ; " which feat will be 
delegated to a Select Committee. 

(Commons.)— Mr. Stavhopb resolutely declined to let the Cabul- 
Cat (or " Knout" it should perhaps be called as being Russian) out 
of the bag. 

Colonel Staklet disclaims the Indian War Correspondents' Gag. 
This precious implement of ooercion and restraint is like the Cat last 
Session— everybody seems ashamed to father it. India saddles it on 
the War Office, and. the War Office tosses it back to India. No wonder, 
in this bandiring process, if the Gag is dropped— as it seems to be. 

Adjourned debate on the Irish Amendment to the Address. 

Mr. Mitchell Hebbt, one of the most reasonable of Home-Rulers, 
as well as most energetic, liberal, and improving of Irish landlords, 
after describing his own experience, both of the suffering and its 
remedies, declared that in the West famine had set in, and that 
Government were censurable for not having met it by reproductive 
works, as on railways. 

Mr. W. E. FoBSTKR thought that the Government had done 
their best to avert famine by accumulation of food and fuel, and 
relaxations of out-door relief. 

But on further discussion it appeared that no such accumulations 
had been made, and no such relaxations sanctioned, and so the Irish 
Members pressed their charge of sumneness against the Government, 
whose case was weU stated by Mr. W. H. Smith. 

Lord Habtikgtok could not support a Yote of Censure till he 
knew exactlv what the Government had done. As yet the Irish 
Members had failed to make out their case. He then went on to the 
relations of the Opposition and the Home-Rulers, and pointed out 

that voting for inquiry into Home-Rulers* demands was very different 
from supporting them, or even admitting a primd fiote^ case for 
them. If Lord Rahsat had promised ms vote for inquiry, there 
was Euro Habmait, Home-Ruler, just made Lord-Lieutenant of 
Sligo. And there sat among the supporters of the Government 
and Home- Rule, or inquiry with a view to it, Sir G. Bowtbibl 
Mr. Hamoki), Lord CAStLBBKAGH (and Jie might have added 
Mr. Cowek). Why idiould the Opposition repudiate such allegiance 
when the Government accepted itP 

The ArroBKBT-GBKBBALfor Ibblakd denied the analogy. 

Mr. Gabbbtt — ominous name — An Voeatus '* Oahbett*^ ChiVs" 
gift quia Aa6e^f— moved further adjournment of the Debate, 
which, after a half -hour's fight, the Cblaxcbllob of the ExcHBauBB, 
as usual, yielded. 

It can't be said that the cloud of Famine does not loom large 
and black enough over Ireland to justify more than a night's talk— 
if <mly an " amendment ^ in more than words could come of it. 

Tuesday (Lords,)— The Government (Lord Bbacoksfibli) informed 
Lord Gbanvillb) has not releated the randan Cat's claws from the 
treaties that have kept the Afghan He-rat safe from her since 
1857. There has been diplomatic talk, but nothing more as yet. 

Lord Db la Wabb wants to have his little Bill settling Employer's 
liability for Servants' injuries shunted into the same Select Com- 
mittee siding with Lord Cajbits'. But Lord Caibns declines. 

(Commofu.)— Lord J. Mabbbbs doesn't see his wav to a Copy- 
right Bill this Session. **Auetores Mores expeetent.*^ ^'LetAutEm 
wait for Mabnbbs." 

Sir Staffobd spoke to the same effect as his Chief of the Persaan 



[FlBBUABT 21, 1880. 

Cat and the He-rat, if rather less yaguely. (See Punches Oartooxi, 
in which the " coming erent oasts iU shadow before." The Cat, 
it will be observed, has not yet bnmt its paws.) 

Mr. Chambeslaik reopened the Irish Debate. He didn't believe 
in Home-Bole, bnt was ready to govern Ireland aooording to Irish 
ideas, and, as the first instalment, would support the Amendment. 
The Land Laws and Landlords wanted dealing with. The Qorem- 
ment had done but little, nor done that little welL 

So said Mr. Muin>XLLi, Mr. RiXAiTDSi Mr. Jacob BBI«Ht, Mr. 
0*SHAUOHirx88T, and a nhalanz of Home-Rulers. 

Mr. Cross answered for the Gbyemment. Not a workhouse was 
yet fuU. To have broken down Poor-Law restraints while they 
could be maintained, would have been a fatal mistake. The GoTsra- 
ment had its eyes open and its hands ready. Public works would 
have bem mere masks for waste as in 1847. They would see that 
seed for next year's crops should be forthcoming. 

On diyision, Mr. Shaw's Amendment was negatited by S16 to 66. 

The talk has Hot been all idle, though often, literally, to empty 
benches— once to the Chair, the elerks at the table, and a single 
Member besides the one on his legs. Up to this time the more riolent 
of the Home-Rulers hsTC not rushed in to obstruct and exasperate. 
Pabitell is, happily, abroad. *' For this relief much thanks." In 
his eclipse even the star of Bi«SAS has loomed less, thus far. But 
now comes the turn of Fnan^Air and O'DoinnLLi And, lol <m 

Wednnday (Ash Wednesday : dat of penance) Uie House— after a 
reasonable quart d*Keur$ with Mr. Fawcxtt on the inddenoe of the 
costs of hostilities in Afghanistan, wound up by Sir Staffobd's 
promise that before the House was asked to vote any of the gear's 
money it should haye an opportunity of settling the distribution of 
their burden— bowed its head to the sackcloth and ashes of Mr. 
O'DomrsLL's eloquence, while to an empty house he wasted his 
wind and the House's time for an hour and a half, till the hour of 
adjournment arriiing ** diarrhnam verborwn diremUy 

Thursday (Zorcit).— Lord Bbacovsfisld gaye an even more dis- 
tinct disclaimer than before of the reportea release of Persia from 
her engagement not to snap up Herat. 

Lord Caisks who last night declined to giye a hearing before 
the Select Committee to Lord Di la Wabbk's Bill on Compensation 
by Employers for Injuries to Serrants, offered one to Lom De la 
W ASRB, to represent his yiews on the Committee in person. 

A sensible and cool talk, started by Lord Emlt, about the dis- 
tress in Ireland, and general agreement that the Goyemment had 
dealt with it wisely if not too well, and had ayoided some of tiie 
mistakes of 1847. Altogether it was eyident that their Lordships 
were not in any danger of famine, or they would scarcely haye beoi 
so cool uid reasonable. 

(Commont.)— After questiens and answers, Mr. O'Dovvbll roee to 
resume his rhodomontade, in which he seemed determined to seize the 
opportunity of out-Pamellinff PABinox. Nobody stopped to hear 
him. BiOGAB appeared for the first time this Session, apologising 
most unnecessarilj for a shorter speech than usual as he had an en- 
gagement to talk m Southwark. Rather an^rwhere than in the House ! 

Mr. FaneAK seconded Mr. O'Doknxll in a rhapsody worthy of 
his leaders, and the House, till then empty, filled for Division— 128 
to 12. Not one Englishman in the minority, of course, and only the 
Intransigentes among the Home-Rulers. 

Oyer Uie Relief of Irish Distress Bill, the question whether the 
adyanoes authorised by the Bill should be made out of the Church 
Surplus Fund, as proposed^ or out of the Exchequer, was discussed in 
a business-like way, considering the Irish propensity to interpret 
the rule, '* Help yourselyes '' in the sense of ** Put your hand into 
somebody dse^ pocket," and with a refreshing absence of the 
rampant O'Donndism and Finniganism to which the House— or 
rather its walls— had just been treated. In the end, the House 
accepted the Bill, without amendment. 

The Attobnbt-Gevbral's Bankruptcy Law Amendment was 
referred to a Select Committee. Sir Hbnbt Jaxss promisinff his 
yaluable help in the shaping of the BilL Time will show u Sir 
Jomf HoLKBB*s measure is to do anything more effectual for the 
cleansLQg of the Augean stable of Insolyency Law than its prede- 
cessors. WiUi so many lecal yultures waiting for the carcases of the 
insolyent estates, we ooubt the likelihood of anything beyond the 
bare bones being in most oases sayed for creditors. 

Friday (Zorcb).— The He*rat has kot been put at the ttierey of 
the Persian Cat^not yet— so reiterates Lord B. 

Dr. Fabb is seyenty-two, and not in strong health. The Pbbmibb 
giyes these as his reSsons for not making the Doctor Registrar- 
General, and they are unimpeaehable ones. At the same time, 
it M rather odd that there was nobody so fit for the place as the 
ex-cayalry-officer, ex-priyate-seoretanr, and brother-in-law to a 
Cabinet Minister. We know now tiiat it is Dr. Fabb who has gone 



is to 

be hoped : that the Goyemment will mark their high sense of Dr. 
Fabb's seryioes in his superannuation allowance. 

(Common^.)— Sir Gabnbt Wolsblbt has giren the lie to Dr. 
W. H. Ritssxll's statements of insubordiaation among our troops 
in the Transyaal as roundly as telegraph wires can giye it. 
Between such a statement, and such a denial, further inquiry is 

Mr. Stavhopb read General Robbbts's letter, denying, generally, 
the charge of haying hung Afghans for resisting us in arms, ana 
declaring that our conduct, on the whole, has oeen *' extremely 
mild and lenient" This, as far as General Robbbts is concerned. 
Punch is quite ready to belieye— though, to be sure, the Ghoorkas 
do seem to haye set fire to a few Afghans before '* life was quite 
extinct." But then it was aU Imt ; and, like the Sailor, '* they need 
not haye been so nasty particular to a few minutes." 

Mr. Habdgastlb is much cohoemed about the sanitary risks from 
occupancy of the big barracks which are being run up outside Edin- 
burgh in hot— or father cold and damp— haste, to lodge yoters for 
Mr. Gladstovb by way of retort of fiats on faggots. But the canny 
Scots of Midlothian ma^ be trusted. They are not such fiats as to 
go into houses unfit to hye in. 

Worthy champion of such a cause, Whbblhoitsb, Q.C., hoisted 
the banner of Protection, and did the ffood seryice of eliciting a dis- 
claimer from the GK>yemment by Mr. Boubkb— fit agent in btirking 
the old loye of the Tory Benches— and of heading a Protectionist 
Forlorn Hope of Eight—with the tellers— faithful fd the tribe of 

Let Punch record the names of this immortal o^tt,— Whbblhoxtsb 
and Eaton, tellers. Sir GcoBeB Bowtbb, Captain Bbdfobd Pim» 
Mr. BBBTiircB, Mr. Serjeant Spinks, and Major O'Gobkak. 

None but themselyes could be their parallels— and if Punch had 
been asked to call the muster for such a last Protectionist parade, 
whom could he haye placed in the yan more yaliant than Bowtbb, 
whom to coyer the retreat more stout and sUlwart than the Major I 
In answer to Sir W. Habooubt's direct interpellation, Sir Stapfobd 
accepted Lord Gbobob Haicilton*s conclusion that the treaty of 
Paris, and its Tripartite offspring, were both practically abrogated by 
the Treaty of Berlin, and that we were now Dound to the defence of 
Turkey by less onerous obligations than our old diplomatic ties. 

Hoist wrca his own Pbtabd. 

Tes RxLiaioy yoB RiruAiJSt Gubaxbs.— Ninooin*Popery. 

Sy To OoB Bls to s^ nrw.— HU Jtftfor dou ntl Md Mmmffboutkd U mckntndeAgt, rttum, ^Jfftfer Owrtrifttrftom. Mm mm 

February 28, 1880.] 




Aunt Mary, "Weix, Toxmt, shall I cabst tour Bat Aim Sruim for toxtI'* 
Tommy. "No* Aunty, tanks I Mx tarry Bat and ^Txrun. 'Oo tarry Jfs/" 


{On the Production of ArtificiaZ Diamonds 
by Mr. Hannay of Olasgow, attested by 
Mr, Maskelyne of the British Museum,) 

I WAS the biiflrhtest jewel 
In Queen Victoria's Crown ; 

Now Chemistry, too cruel, 
My worth would topple down I 

I defied the blow impending. 
Against Maskelynb's furecist. 

Hoped Macteae would be its ending, 
But Aw mark has now been past. 

I ne'er thought '* Crystallisation 

Of Carbon " I should see : 
That India's favoured nation, 

And Brazil's, bowled out should be I 

'Tis a Glasgow ohiel, one Hannay, 
At kneth has done the trick. 

BeU fetek that Scot uncanny I 
Awa' wf him, Auld Nick I 

BLtkll his rtsnes in Scotland's bonnet 
Shins e«t, and make me poor — 

Shall Scotdi pebbles, plague upon it, 
Strike pals the Eoh-i-Noor f 


Thx Lord Mayor announces that sub- 
scriptions fur the Lord Lawrence Memorial 
Fuim will be receiyed at the Mansion House. 
. Those who dissent from the policy now in 
the ascendant in Afghanistan cannot better 
show their disapproval than hf paying their 
shot to the Lawrence Memorial Fund. 

In South w ark.— T*# **^t" in Mr. 
Ciarxe'8 faTour—ilM LapexiaL 



{From the P, M, G,*s point of view,) 

Ho! an ye rampant Radicala, who long have raved and roared, 

And on {he bn>w of Bracoksipolu Tour fierce invectives pi>njBdI 

Hoi hot and heady IlAHTt^aTON I no 1 traitorous AKari^v ! 

Hoi Harcourt sour and fiaturnine^ ho ! G&ae?ville£ bkok with bilel 

Hoi QosGHEN, red republican, subversive Dkebt ho! 

Fierce Forsteh, furious d^^mafrorfie, and demcKrratio Lowe ! 

Ho ! frantic Frotjdk^ ho I weak Cabltle, bland pander to the Mob, 

And ho I — and this tnoRt specially — thou sycophantia buoH^ 

Truth-hating, tyrants flattering, and England-loathing cad, 

Gladstonb, whose whole and eK^le e;£0U5e ia that thou art hiilf mad I 

Hoi — well, in short,— ho I eTeryone who won^t with us agree. 

In magnifying SAU^Bmr, aud battering Lord B., 

"Who, whatsoerer yonr Party badge, religion » rarik, j^r place, 

At« aU confounded Radicals, the scMUddal of your raoe,^ 

OiTe ear I You are a scurvy lot, inspired by spits and hate» 

Who to yonr paltry private gains would sacrince the State. 

The motive of yonr rant and cant is mase maUcious rancour, 

Which gnaws yonr Party's vitals like a sort of chronic cankev*. 

(At least, so says the P, M, G^.,— that chazitable print) 

Draw near, lend ear, bend your stiff necks, and take a patriot's hint! 

Yon mustn't go and lift your voice against your native land, 

Or question the high policy you cannot understand ; 

You must not cast doubts on her right to do the thing that 'a wrong, 

In taking part against the weak to shield her from the strong. 

You mustn't nourish yearnings keen to see her calm, and just, 

Honest, and true— and all that trash in which the snivellers trust ; 

You mustn't ^o and hotly flush with mawkish maudlin shame 

To hear of tncks or meannesses committed in her name ;. 

Ton mustn't call attention, no, not even in advance, 

To wrongs she is about to do l^r power to enhance ; 

Nor must you point out her mistakes in policy or war, 

Nor blush at sight of blood or mud upon ner conquering oar ;. 

Nor make the least inquiry in the mildcwt kind oi manner 

Ckmoeming anght that they may do who fight beneath her banner. 

TOL« LXXViil. 

For if you do these horrid things, although yonr numbers swell 
To half— the better half— of those who in these islands dwell, 
'Tis plain — unto our patriot eyes — you 're but a faction base, 
Inspired by hat« of England and a hungry rreed for place. 
'Twill prove you 'd lick the tyrant's hand, of honour nothing reck. 
That you would place the foreign yoke on England's prostrate neck. 
To save your carcasses from scathe, your coffers from assault. 
That curs like you rejoice to prove your countrymen in fault. 
That like base God- forsaken ghouls, blind to the brave and good. 
You 'd grope for paltry party -ffain midst British soldiers' blood. 
You don't quite see the Q,. E. D. ? Ah ! that 's because you 're blind, 
Unnaturally cold of heart as impotoit of mind. 
Tkke lesson from ^e Music Hall and from the pothouse bar, 
Where roaring Cads and blatant Bungs, more patriotic far 
Than statesmen and philosophers, than scholars, artists, thinkers. 
Prove that toe have the true Britons,— the tap-talkers and bar- 
And that the only reeipe fov ouring yonr insaaity, 
Is to omi out yonr vile cankeiv-oare for justice and hnasamty I 

A Heavy Blow and a Ghreat Discouragement. 

Farxni, we kam from tiie Diritto, has been eleoted President of 
the Italian Chamber of Deputies. This may be a great thing for 
Italy, but it will be a sad blow to the Aquarium. Happily the 
Friendly Zulns and Cetxwato's Daughters will not aocompany him 
—at least for tiie present. The former, it is thought, may be reserv- 
ing tlMmselves fes the Irish, not the Italian, Parliament. 

Vanaticfl and Fag^ta. 

FAOOTiNa in Mid-Lothian or anywhere else can hardly be won- 
dered at when practised by a magnate who has a stake in th 
country. On the other side it is naturally resorted to in return. In 
politics as well as theology there is bigotry on both sides ; parii- 
culaxly when in resorting to the fagot, one against the other, inrties 
asrist on both sides at a political auto-da-fS, ^ — 



[FfiBBUABT 28, 1880. 


MoimATt Feb, 16 (Zor<2f).— Since 1855, Lord Bitbt informed 
Lord MAiioESBTTRT, the widows snd orphans of Purchase Officers 
killed in action ha^e been in a better position than before the 
Crimean War. Till then they lost everythinff ; since then, when 
po(Hr, they receive a certain proportion of the slun man's purchase- 
money in the shape of pension or payment. Abolition of purchase 
has wrought them no hardship. 

It is interesting to know that Lord BajLunsoKS prefers Alder- 
shott to Brighton, and Whitsuntide to Easter, for the Volunteer 
Beview. The War Office sees no objection to the Yolunteer Com- 
manding Offioers'choice of Brighton and Easter. This is unfortunate. 
But Lord SiRAiHiDiaf and Campbell is used to snubbing. 

(CommoiM.)— The Spxaxxr having succumbed at this early period 
of the Session to the protracted Irish debates, Mr. Baikbs took his 

Slace. Raikes* progress was not more satisfactory than the 
pjbaxxb's ; and the House had another Irish night's entertainment, 
oTcr the Belief of Distress Bill, till nearly three in the morning. 

Viscount Cabtlirbagh disclaimed the sympathy with Home-Rule 
imputed to him by Lord HABTDroxoN. He would rather not sit for 
County Down, than sit as a Home-Ruler, representing upside-down. 
The fight 01 the eyening was oyer the question whence the three- 
quarters of a million of Croyemment adyances to meet the distress 

is to come. From the Church Surplus Fund, sayi the Qoyemment. 
From the Treasury, say the Home-Rulers (by lur. Stnait's Amend- 
ment, negatiyed by 186 to 34), anxious to keeptiie Church Surplus 
for estabushing a peasant proprietary. The Goyemment contend, 
and with unanswerable force, as it seems to PuneA and the House, 
that the impending Irish distress answers better the description of 
a national calamity, to rdief of which the Church Surplus Fund 
should by law be deyoted. than the transformation of a certain number 
of Irish tenants into Irish landlords^though this might, according to 
some not eztrayagant contentions, turn out a national calamity, too. 

There was a tough fight oyer Mr. O'Doknsll's Amendment for 
giying Guardians power to relieye with money as well as food 
and ineL This was negatiyed by 195 to 120, a diyision such as 
Mr. 0'Doinm.L has rarely been f ayoured with. A proper award for 
his comparatiye rationaU^ through to-night's debate. 

Tue9day (Xorcb.)— Diplomatic Question raised—'* Is the Tripartite 
Treaty deadF^^a question scarcely to be asked, undid^matio 
simple sense would ar^, seeing that the Treaty binds Ghreat Britain, 
Austria, and France in a guarantee of the integrity and independ- 
ence of the Ottoman Empire in 1856, and that the Ottoman Empire 
has since then been subjected to the consolidation by amputation of 
the Treaty of Berlin. -^ , - - - ^- - 


Febbuabt 28, 1880.] 




{A Sketch near LeiceiUr Square,) 


Haunts aoboss thb Channbi^ hb will publish buoh an Aooount of thb Mannbbs and Customs of ** English Sooibtt" 
High and Low, as will atbnob thbm all Thbbb fob thb Tsdium of thbib Enfoeobd Rbsidbnob among us. Hb will not 


Oh, Bibi, thou Sbbpbnt t is it fob this that wb havb Wabmbd thbb in OUB Bosom fob thi last Tbn Tbabs ? 

Lord Gbantillb thinks that Lord Gbobgb Hamilton's out- 
spoken admission that the Treaty is dead and boried had better 
be accepted by the Goyemment, and pot on seeord. But Lord 
Bbaconsfibld prefers keeping the Treaty in a state of snmnded 
animation— like a "Peerage in abeyance,'' ha says. He forgets 
Uiat a peerage in abeyance once reTiyed, reyiyes with all its honours ; 
but how about the Ottoman Empire P Can it eyer be resuscitated, 
with all the territories and suzerainties of 1856 ? Hardly. What 
Mod can be cUme by keeping the Tripartite Treaty in our Codex 
DiphmaUcue Punch can't see. for the life of him. Better start 
fair, or imfair, with the Treaty of Berlin. That, at least, is the 
latest fait aeeompU: and the sooner all parties and powers take 
their stand on it the better. 

Lord Bbaconsfibld objects to pronounce the Tripartite Treaty 
dead : but points out, that if this country were appealed to by the 
oo-signatones of the Treaty to act under it— about as likely as that 
we should be asked to act under the Treaty of Utrecht— we should 
haye to consider two things, first, the '* changes in the Empire 
which ii the object of the Treaty ; and, secondly, the nature of 
the fiujts with wnioh Her M^jestjrs Goyemment has to deaL" 

Ohf rare Lord Bbaconsfibld I MaqUter Verharum, if eyer th«re 
was one I • • of words so solemn, so full of sound, so empty ot all 
besides I 

J Cbmmons.)— Mr. E. Stavhopb "understands" that the gagging 
n for Luian Army Correspondents haye bean withdrawn. 8o 
does Punch. What he does n§t understand is hew th^ tyer oame 
to be issued. 

Mr. Habdoabilb continues his sc^dtous inquiries about the lani- 
tary appliances and fitness for habitation (by Midlothian Liberal 
yoters) of the Liberal flats lately run up near Edinburgh. The 

Lord Adyooate comforted him. These flats will not qualify tenants, 
but proprietors. Let us comfort Mr. Habdcastlb further. The 
Oonseryaliyes haye been working up faggot-flats as well as the 
liberals. The Timee* Edinburgh Correspondent reports :— 

<* The ComenratiTM alto hare been setive at Dairy Boad. At Tyneoastle, 
M that dittriety there are upwarde of thirty ^Jtatt,* each tranafeired to a 
•eparmta owner, and giving, or intendrng to give, a aeparate vote. In tene- 
menu at Meadowbank^ Joeiee Lodge^ a ehert way east of Holyrood^ there 
are fifty 'three ^fiate ' aold to the eame number of proprietors, each of whom 
claimt the electoral quaUJUation" 

Let us hope Conservatiye flats are healthier than Liberal. At 
least, Mr. Habdcastlb does not seem to be troubled about them, 
reserying his anxiety, like the truly noble nature he is, for his 
political opponents. 

One of tbose tempests in a slop-basin in which the House delights 
to dabble. Mr. Plimsoll, the impetuous and irrepressible, dis- 
gusted by Sir Chablbs Kussbll's temporary stoppage of his Bill for 
oompelling the safe stowage of grain cargoes, has posted the Honour- 
able Member for Westminster oyer his own borough, saddling h^ 
with the responsibility for the loss next winter of hundreds of 
preobus liyes, and hundreds of thousands of pounds' worth of pro- 
perty. This is, no doubt, technically a breach of piiyilege ; but 
really, ocnsidering how we Press deals round its Parliamentary 
dfn^nwt»*m«i it seems late in the day for Honourable Members to 
oomplain of th^ feUow-dub-men of St Stephens for resorting to 
posted hand-bills instosd of printed speeches. 

Mr. Pldcsoll not haying seised the opportunity of withdrawing 
his hard words— he being ene of those awkward persons of what 
Bbn JoNseN sails " a lunatic zeal and conscience," whose hearts are 
so entirely in their object, tlmt they are prone te think all who come 



[Fbbbua&t 28, 1880. 


; Qtnt (toUh his hair on end), '* Ys't stbangb ! BoT I oottld almost 



iBoUa into his bsdroom^ locks the d^or, and wriUs to iks ^* Athenrnwrn,^^ next day I 


Emfirb and Liberty I Two pregnant names. 
That mark the hardest crux of history's oonrse ; 

For how to reooncile the riTai daims 
Of priTate freedom and staite-ordaruiit foree, — 

The energy that stirs, the law that tames 
The sprmg of Progress, C^baage's troabled sonroe, — 

To leave thoughts free, yist nstliess wills to muole.— 

This u the tluaker's league, 1^ itatesman's pnzzle. 

i^Vsedom is good, and good is ligihteoos mle, 

But two most spectral shams their forms that ape, 

Monarchs betray, and mnltitades befool ; 
Blind lioenoe, madced in Liberty's fair shape, 

And Tyranny, with ruthless soonrge for tool, 
That abject dread doth in the purple drape. 

And oowers in mockery of Bight Divine, 

Over the deep-laid dew of ^Creason's mine. 

How sham breeds sham! Here, Empire based on wrong ; 

There, decorate Licence thJat makes modL of right : 
Absolute rule^ which looks so proud and strong. 

Been close, is found a prey to wild affright ; 
And the masked spirit that sang freedom's song. 

And walked in Liberty's fair robe of light, 
Shows a foul demon. in^Mtent for good. 
In treachery steepea, and red with guiltless blood. 

Empire and Liberty I Let satire hslt 
In her harsh task of baring hidden truth. 

At thought of Murder in her secret vault- 
Plotter of wholesale slaughter, void of ruth I 

Blind and blood-tldrBty fury is the fault 
Of Revolution in its red raw youth, 

But, to devise swift death, in darkness screened, 

Asks compound of the coward and the fiend. 

Poor Empire I Shaken in its chamber lone 
By every shadow on its guarded walls I 

Poor Liberty I whose face here shows as one 
So foul her firmest friends it most appals I 

What hope of reconciliation ? None. 
Till from the pair of dose-linked shams there falls 

The robe that covers Tyranny's old lie, 

*nie mask that hides thy blindness, Axiarchy I 

OBSM L ti C Tion i BT Emblbk.— More l^iam than Bhamzock. 

between them and it not only wilful but wicked— the House ad- 
journed the debate, and passed to Mr. Mbldok's Motion for assi- 
milatioff Irish borough-iranohise to English. Considering it was 
an Irish subject, this led to a not intemperate debate. Of the 
Insh Members, Messrs. Mbldon, Gjblat (who said it was the sixth 
time the Motion had been before the House, and the fourth time 
he had seconded it), O'SHAUGHNBSst, Justin McCabtht, Brooks, 
DicauoN, and BLBifKK&HAsaKT, spoke for the Motton ; Mr. C. Lkwis 
bitterly and uncompromisingly against it, denouncing the Motion as 
an attempt to play mto the hands of agitators and demagogues, by 
enfranchising a purely Roman Catholic population, intenselv dis- 
affected and diafuyal, in fact an ignorant and miserable residuum. 
Mr. Lbwis spioed ms diatribe by quotations from one of the National 
BeUiads oalliug for sympathy with the Zulus, and ended, with Irish 
inconsequence, bv a very good summary of the needa «f Ireland, 
which I*unch ana all his readov will endorse : — 

** What Ireland wsnted was peace from agitation, contentment for the 
people, an orderly disposition to obey the law, encouragement for capital to 
■etue in the country, and for Itndlords to reiide there. Ireland wanted a 
tonic for the serfre, but not inoumble disease of the body politic ; bat the 
last thiog wanted in the present crisis was an instromsnt sosii as the resolu- 
tion proposed to place in the hands of recklea sfitstow to the injury of 
the best mterests of the State." 

Unluckily, the wants of Ireland are predselr tiiose whidi are 
barred by the class and creed-hatreds of which mr, C. Lkwts is the 
orgaa. Mr. Lrwis was cheered by the Sscrxtabt for luELam), who 
was thus unwise enough to make himself tlie echo of the sharp and 
scornful sectarianism of the Member for Derry. 

Sir W. HAmcoTJXi and Mr. Bbioht put l^e liberal English view 
o< the case in favour of assimilating the borough franchise of tiie 
sister-countriee— a change as certain in the future as t^e rifling of 
to-morrow's sun. The divisbn of 188 for, to SMS against Ihe 
Motion, marks the wide support given to tiie Iridi demttid by the 
Liberals of England. 

The Seed Potatoes Bill, an important le^aiive contribution to 
the relief of liixsh dibtress, was forwarded, m the teeth of a protest 

from the Msjor against the use of guano — '* The Almighty had 
already granted them in Ireland plenty of means of manuring the 
land." Sure, isn*t muck dirt-cheap in that illigant island ? 

Wednesday (Commons.) ^ Rouse sat late (half -past one), and 
rose early (five minutes before four). In tliat time it received Her 
Msjesty's Reply to the Address, and referred to a Select Com- 
mittee Mr. Maetin's useful little Bill— more important, perhaps, 
than many more ^owy measures— for eziabling Courts of Equity 
to relax oppressive covenants in leases. The Lawyers generally 
supported the Bill. Alderman Cotton opposed it for the Corpora- 
tion, as it had not had time to consider the measure^ and weigh its 
action on Corporate interests. 

Mr. MuiTDKLLA got his Bill for Abolishing Property Qualification 
for Municipal Offices read a Second Tbne. now that M. P.'s may sit 
without propertv qualification, wliy diould not Aldermen and 
Common Cotmoillors P He also got a Second Eeading for his Bill 
to define '* Suburban Commona,'^ and so enlarge Town-lungs. A 
good, though brief and unpretending Wednesday afternoon's spell. 
Work, as usual, in inverse ratio with talk. 

Thmrsday.—LogdB and Commons joined in ezpzessioDS «{ liorror at 
the diabolical blow-up in St Petersburg. 

Mr. Qrajxt Duff got a rise out of Mr. Bcaitxope d propos of a 
plan for sending British tnx^ from India to Armenisy drawn up by 
Lieutenant-Colonel MAOenseoR before the Constantinople Ccmler- 
enoe, and published in the Statesman, Mr. Gjuirr Dctff wanted 
to know if any Euss measure more hostile to us than this to Euasia 
had been revved in the Cabul oorreu>ondenoe. 

^ SiAPFoBD, like the old king in The Day-JOream^ " amiliag 
put the question by.** 

In Committee on Irish Distress Bill, Mr. SffAW was defeated by 
1^ to S9, in a very practical amendment authoiising guardians to 
carry out local improvements hj loans, as Luioadiirt local autlioiities 
were empowered to do during tiie Cotton famine. 

It is much to be regretted, Puneh cannot but think, tiiuii the 
minority of twenty was not a majority as numerous. 

House at work on the Bill till nearly three o'clock, defeating 

Digitized by 


'■■^'*^ ^— ' '^"'^-^'^ 









Digitized by 






Digitized by 


Digitized by 


Fjibbruabt 28, 1880.] 



Mr. Shawns attempts to lengthen terms for repayn^nt of Guardians' 
Loans from ten years to thirty, and to reduce their rate of interest 
to One per cent. Mr. Shaw is doing, or striving to do. good work on 
the Bill, and the Home- Rulers ought to be proud of tneir ruler. In 
Parnell's absence even Bigg ae has become strangely unobstructive. 
Friday, — A wasted night in both Houses. In the Lords the 
Buke of Argyll re-serred up again the stale dish of the Afghan 

eklioy of the Qovemment. Cut up and peppered by the Macallxtic 
DBS, it was sensibly and calmly judged by Loitl Nosthbbook. 
keenly oritictBed by Lord. Gbanyills, defiantly justified by Lord 
CsAKBSooK, stovHy maintained by Lord Caibits, and uncompro- 
misingly roawofted by Lord Bxacoitsfibld ; but for whose informa- 
tion, I^ufich begs to ask, and cut bono f 

There is not a new fact to be thrashed out of all the bushel of Blue- 
Book chaC, or a new light to be thrown upon the subject out of all 
the lucubrations which the Blue- Books have given birth to—especially 
now that the Government declines to let the alleged Cabul-Russ 
CorreqK»dence Oat out of the bag. The public that has any mind 

to make up has made it up by this time. It remains for the Country 
to proclaim its view at the General £leotion. Till then, Focas 
palabras ! be Punch's motto and Parliament's 1 

In the Commons^ after Mr. Plimsoll had apologised to Sir 
Chableq. Rvssbll and Mr. Okslow handsomely and whole- 
heartedly, as he had offended, the House, instead of taking Lord 
Habtibgtok's, Sir William Habcottbt's, and Mr. Bbight's seMible 
advice, and dropping the matter, went on to pass a Motion of 
Sir Statfobi) Nobthootb's paternity, proclaiming and proteating 
against the breach of privilesn^— though the yery necessary a««rtion 
of Obstruction stood then to oe considered, and thereby Bxwg tlie 
Obstructionists in their manoeuvres to keep the House out otmai. 

Sir SiAPFOBD NoBTHCOTB promis6B to take this unmanageable 
subject out of Mr. Nkwdxgatb'^ mouth. He has hitherto f^wn 
more oapaoitv for stirring than settling it. It remains to be seen if 
the House which is so read^ to pass .a perfectly superfluous motion 
about PriSrilege, oannotraise some sore-needed protection against 
deliberate obstruction of public business. 


Chapteb VIII. 

L$eiure by a Distingtdshed Professor on Several mterestmf and 
importami Suhieeis connected with Dramatic Art, to he dekvered 
at the Ideal iJoUege— Further suggestions for Omiain College-- 
Scheme for Lectmre^goes — Annoumo&ments. 

PB0FE88(tt J. H. Toolb'b Leoture at the Ideal Dninatic College, 
in his Class Eo<niL before a numerous assembly of deeply-interested 
young Students, all aspirants for Histrionic Fame. 

The Eminent Lecturer appears from behind a screen gradmally, and 
then steps forward, and bows. Great reception. 

Ladies and Gentlemen— (/aii^^^^)--70ii '11 'souse the remark—I 
mean Gentlemen, or, as the immorul Poet, you know, says, 

•* Friends, Romans, country- 
men I " you know : though 
I 'd rather address you. 
Gentlemen and Students, 
than any nomber of ** coun- 
trymen.'' 9f(9et could make 
out why that word was used I 
What did he do it for? 'cept 
to make up the Poet's lii^. 
Of course, vou know, a man 
must do what 's in lus Une, 
you know; and that is in 
the Poet's line, you know : 
and if you don't know, I 
can't help you, can IP 
W^ there it is, you see — 
(meditates)'^«Dd sometimes 
there it isn't, you see. Look 
here, you know— «s this isn't 
what I'm here to leeture 
about, we'll talk about it 
another time. (** Sear ! 
Hear!'') Thank you. Gen- 
tlemen; that 's very Hnd of 
Toul I like to hear you say, 
^'Hear! Hear!'' beoaase 
then I know you're all 
^-^ '* there ^ there ! " "All 

there,*' G^entlemeny do you 
•ee? Joke! {Appiamse. The Leotm-er spreads three fingers 
before his face, shuts his eyes, as if to recall his Noughts to the 
mOiieet, then hitches uf his academical gown on his right shoulier, 
and proceeds.) Look here, now— (pAvmAirtf^^)— this wm't do» you 
know. We must bo serious. The thing is this:— No pieoe ought 
ever to be brought out unless by a flrst-rate Company, you know. 
You wouldn't go into any speculation, you know, unless it were 
brought out bv a first-rate Company, w(mld you now P Ton know 
what I mean ? Well, there it la, jou see. Then why should you 

hearing something to your advantage (shouting) about the Bard— 
(/tuMferJ-HSHAisPEABB's the Bard— and you can^t begoinffveryfar 
wrong [pitching his voice rapidly higher and higher), even if you 're 
always ^* going to the Bard." {Applause. The Lecturer spreads 
three fingers before his mouth, hitches up his gown over his shoulders, 
gives a sort of a ** cat^call " whistle, and resumes.) Gentlemen, 1 've 

come here to talk to you like a father ; so keep your eye on your 
father, and (raising his voice) your father will pull you through 1 
(Chreat applause.) Ahem I Every character in a pieoe ought to be 
perfectly placed. The very best people should be got, at the very 
highest salaries, you know, regardless of expense. (Whistles.) It's 
no sort of use having a pieoe with only one Eminent Actor in it. 
That's the Star system. I hope it's liie Falling Star system. I 
call it the Planet system— the Planet in the middle, with a lot of 
little moons round it. Bi^t, as another Bard says— 

** The Planet will be very bright, 
The moons show but rraectM light." 

Well, then (rapidly raising his voice), what 's the good of the 
moons P I 'm not much of an astronomer myself, but I call these 
moons ** satty-lites." It doesn't much matter whether they 're 
satty^Utes or city-lights, they're nothin|^ better than Child's 
Night Lights round a full-^wn Electric light. (^*Hear ! hear ! ") 
What *s the use of a st^ in Macbeth if you *re to have a duffer in 
Macduff (Applause.) Thore. I thought you 'd agree with me. 
I told you to keep your eye on your Lecturer, and your Lecturer 
would pull you through. Who 'U go to see the best Mamlet in the 
worid supported by the entire feebleness of the company. I 'd as 
soon go to see ^Ae village hamlet, only I wouldn't say that to every- 
one, you know — at least — (confidentially) — not before the boy. 
(Applause.) Thank you. We 'U go on to another subject. *^AUong 
aong," as the French say. Icionparle francais, which means it 's 
easy to speak Freneh. (" Oh! oh!" Leotmrer blu^^ behind a 
large white glove.) 'Souse my glove. (" Yes, yes," from the Stu- 
dents.) Thank you. Now, what's the next artioleP 'Cos I've 
only got a 'our for my lecture. Oh I of course. (Consults his notes.) 
On the necessity of novelty. Certainly. Gentlemen, I strongly 
advise vou against going on with the same old ^ame. I mean the 
same old pieoe from year to year, you know. It won't do, you 
know— (m a tone of plaintive remonstrance) — this sort o' thing wonH 
do ! — and so what Isay to a Manager is, ih» sooner you drop it the 
better. Some people say, as long as the public chooses to pay to see 
the same old piece, why take it out of the bills P Gentlemen, this is 
sordid, you know. Don't let's be sordid. Don't let's be mean. 
'* Business first. Art arterards " isn't the rule an Actor should go by, 
you know. (Shaking his head slowly.) That sort o' thing u?on't do, 
you know. (Plaintively,) It wonH do. (Oreat applause.) Keep 
your eye on your Art, and your Ait will puU you through. (Immense 
applause. Lecturer whistles to recover himseff, then resumes.) 
GFentlemen, an Actor should never be a Manager, or if by accident 
he has become a Manager, then it should be for Art, not for dross. 
( Vehement applause.) I think that worthy of the Bard. 

I 'd rather be a haokney'd boss, 
Than saorifioe my Ait for dross. 

You can give that to 1^ Bard, if yen like; but— (twMs^ three 
fingers of the white Berlin-wool alove modestly before Xw/ocs)— it 's 
my own. (Cheers.) ^*A poor tning* but mine own." The Bard. 
Gentlemen— the genmne Bard. {Takes off his hat respectfully.) 
Gentlemen, fancy the feelings of mat Actor who, makinff his first 
entrance as Shyloek, or Wokey, or Kinp Richard the Third, casts 
his eye round the auditorium, and b obliged to say to himself before 
he utters a word of the Bard, ^' What an infernally bad house ! ! " 
The Actor should never fp near the Boz-offioe to see how the booking 
is TOing onl He should never venture into the Librarians' shops. 
And as to advertisements, or notices in the papen. or paragraphs 
about himself in the daily journals, I'd ratiier— well, there now— a 
true Artist would rather bloom unseen, you know, tium go in for 13ie 
vulgar pufBng tridcs of a ^naok. decker. {Oremt applause.) Gentle- 
men, Art is Art. Be it never so artful, there's nothing like Art I 
(Cheers.) Let the After '* take," but don't let him take a theatre. 
Let him not take a theatre. Gentlemen, but take the public— not a 
public— tihough every Artist has his particular public— not to which 



[FXBBUABT 28, 1880. 


Mamma i&nUring), <| Kaw, I'k Biro Tov CaiLimiH abb in Misohibf, tov abb ao qitibt t** 

lUhel {in a rapturaui' JFhiaper). '< HirsH, Ma' t Tommy's bbbk PAiBrm' A Spidbb'b Wbb oh Gbab'fa'b Hbas whilb hb'b 


Im goes, Imt which oomM to Atfii. Play oil the wwd *' pnUio," yoa 'U 
obtenre. Gentlemen, did yon hear me say "play on tiie word 
'public'?" {Whutlei to aUract ihnr aitefUSm.) Now, then, 
wnat's the next article P Oh, *' gagging." Gentlemen, I say, 
emohatioally— if yon 'U just keep yonr eye on me for two minntes, 
or Doth yonr eyes on me for four minutes, I '11 say it still more 

, . , ^^ yo ^ 

where was IP Oh I Look here, this won^t do, yon know, 'oos I 'ye 
only got a 'our for my lecture, and, as I was observing, no Actor 
should take any liberty with the Author's text, except by the 
Author's express permission. (Cheering.) Thank you. AJieml 
(Lecturer cauahe^ andpute hie wMe alove up,) 'Souse my ffloye. A 
gaffger should[ be gagged. Play on the wora *' ga|r," you 'U observe. 
Simpers.) See it P {'' Mear I hear 1*^1 Thiuik you. A gagger 


For modesty '• ] 

prized by the poor and the rich, 

Waggity-a— ( fThiitUi r$fra{n). 
And if yon will gag, you will iaffi>r aa tich, 
Waggity-a, Wag gity-a. 

(WhiitUe refrain, &otr«, and exit behind eereen; reappears, looking 
oter the top of screen, regards the Students through his eye-glas^^ 
Gentlemen, keep your eye on your Lecturer, and your Lecturer ii 

pull Tou throng (Disappears from screen. ^Reappearing at eide- 
door J) 'Souse my glove. (Waves it.) I've only got a 'our to catch 
my train in. Good-bye. reservoir I -- .- - 

[Exit Lecturer, 


To make sure of a Voter (Tory), tie yourself to a Faggot; 
(Liberal), secure a Flat I 


M. Mbbibb has been speaking excellent sense— not always easy to 
get a hearing for in France— on the subject of Free Trade. He 

'* Af a manofaotnrer and an agrioultorist, hit interests might be iuppoeed 
to be Proteotionitt, bat be adrocated the interests of the oonsomer. The 
restriotion of oonsamptioiL oauaed by Guitoma tariffii resulted in injury to the 
produoer. Froteotion was only a form of Communiim. If anything was to 
be done for the workman it was by making porta, oanala, and railwaya, and 
lowering postal and telegraphie chai^a." 

Considering that M. Mbnibb'b Choeolat is an article of world-wide 
consumption, it would seem an obvious inference that the more con- 
sumers the better for M. Mbnibb. M. Mbhirb, at least, has the 
oommon sense to see this, and the oourage to say it. Tet it is just 
as true for all other industrial producers. 

Punch will fed his ChoeouU-Menier the sweeter whenever he 
remembers this sensible speech of its energetic and intelligent f abri- 
cant. If the Menier oonfeotiota be as wholesome as the Menier 
doctrine, what higher praise can be given it P 

Good Beason Why. 

Ib the Common CounoU discussion over Councillor Isaac's motion 
for an address of sympathy to the Ceab on his recent escape from 
assassination, Mr. Lushbb gave one very potent reason why the 
Common Council should umift its voice— ^* that the CziB was a 
Citiaen of London." Poor Czab I In his present mood how regret- 
fuUy he must oontraat the Freedom of the City with the slavery of 
the Empire I 

Two OhriBteningB. ^^^ t 

{After the Seuthumrk £leetion.T,^OOQ[ C 

OppoeOion. What im call the Tories— The Publican Party. 
Cfovemment. What we call the Liberals— Hie Republican Party. 

Febbuabt 28, 1880.] 



t , >^ -> *~ 


Bbtwxsn Qxnxbal Swo&d asd Caftaik Pen— (i propob or ths Zulu Oavpaiqn). 


(HoBACB, Ode9, III. 3.) 

Juarmtei Unacemproponti virum 

The independent Member below the gangway 

Non civium ardor pravaJubetUium, 

Despises the machinations of Liberal cancuaes, 

Non tmitus instantis iyrannu 

Fears not the frown of the Cabinet Minister, 

MetUe autUU tolida^ neque Auster 

Nor feels in the least alanned by 
Dux inqmeti turbidus MadruB, 
The excited leaders of the HomerRnle party, 
NecfulminantiB mafna Jovu manus ; 
Nor the yiolent gestionlations of the hero of Midlothian. 

8ifractu9 iUabatur orbisy 

Even if there be a dissolution, 

Impatndumferient ruina. 

He will fearlessly face his constitiients I 


PuNOH oonmtolates Lord Edmund Fitzmaitbipb— who has a 
hereditary li^nt to dear sight, soond sense, and wise moderation in 
matters politioal — for his well-weighed and temperate speech at 
Calne on the political sitoation of the Qoyemment at home and 
abroad. In these days of oratorical mud-flin^^ and ritriol- 
throwing, when violent abuse and rampant denunciation are used so 
freely to the grievous obscuring of the broad daylight of common 
sense, and the blotting out of all political beacons and steering 
lights, this calm Calne oompendium <n pros and eons^ in the red-h<S 
regions of Turkey, Zulu-land, and Afghanistan, is not only refresh- 
ing in itself, but oomfortinff, from the hope it holds out that 
tornado-time is passing awa^f nom the atmosphere of public affairs, 
and " cool weather " coming in at last 

dusKT.— The connection between _ Lent Lectures and Bought 
Sermons? c. -. ^^ 



[FCBRUABT 28, 18801 



At the dinger of the Associated Chambers of Com- 
merce, in replF to the twast of ** Sucoesa to our Foreign 
ftnd Comnieroial Eelntiona with Foroicrn Countries, and 
our Colauiea 1 " the Japanese Ambassador spoke with ex- 
oellent sense and taste. Perhaps the mo^t intertjating^ 
statement in Hb Exoelienc^^s oration was the ajjuouctoe- 
ment with which it was brouj^ht to a coQchisioji* The 
Minister^ in a deprecatorv alliiaioii to bia f>wii words as a 
** first attemptj^' declared that as yi^U " Speech -making 
had not been introdaoed into Japan." As no doubt the 
AmbaesadoF will do bia best to supply this omission in 
the institutions of J a pan » it would be as well to warn 
hiai a^ainit oertain kinds of speech -makiog much in 
voi^ue in this conotrT ; as, for instance,^ 

The B pee eh made by an Obstructtoniat in the House of 
CommouB, in which senAe. loyalty, patriotism, and gram-' 
mar are fiicrific*d to violence, the rubbing up of old 
sores, and malign aat appeals to national antipatnies and 
sectarian hatredj^* 

The speech made by tke Friend of the Family at a 
wedding, in whioh the early and rather unpleasant ant^ 
cedents of the father i*f the Bride are apoloR^ctically 
touched upon before an audionoe of uniiympathii^ing 

The speech made bv the Noble Chairmau at a Charity 
dinner, when hi^ Lordship is certain of neither facta nor 
fignres, and is equally in the dark about the genuine 
claims of the Institution he is talk in g abouti and its i^il 

The impromplu sp«eohea mndo after the most careful 
preparation oy Qentlenien unaccustomed to puhUo 

The Bpeeob of the Warrior who returns thanka for 
the Army, or Navy, lonj^, rambling, ill-deJivered, and 
replete with incomj^rehensible teohnicaUtien, when everv- 
body is impatiently waiting for the crack orator and tne 
leant of the evening. 

The speech made hj tho irate Cabman on receipt of 
his strictly legal fare from a Lady* 

Tho speech made by the Wife wboEse Husband, by a 
slight error of judj^ment, has returned home at -ISO A,if. 
instead of 10' 1 5 p,m, 

And| lastly, any speech deliTered by anybody which 
prevents Mr* Futich enjoying his after-dinner ci^r* 

lIoxD ths Oaptidn gtts his Cloth<4 £& Sit 40 nicely. 

■^WlLL, JlKKSj WHAT It IT T *' 

"YotJti NEW MoRNiKfl Suit, Sir. I 'via wobit it bviht Ercjuig fon the 

L4JIT FoiltmOHT.*' 


TRotfflEii'* Fott a Coui LK oiT Hoi/ns, i an ALL WANT thin: AFnn I.UNCH* And 

AT ElOHT.^^ **Ye«, S[R." 

Tb^e EatI and the Doctor. 

l¥ Dr. Fake past seventy be, 
And not in nealth too strong— 

What is the ca[*e with my Lord B ?— 
And yet he does no wron^ 

In nilicjf^ not the Hegiiitry, 
But the Realmi broad and lonj? t 

PcircH's Adticb to Jomr Cbtxahan {and Ms Briiith 
Cii^tfirfwrs), — Honest Ten is the best policy. 


At last we baye eridenoe of a lon^-dispnted possibility— a man 
tnaif get himself hanged for killing his wila. Eioking her to death 
with cHogged feet, beating hm to death with fists, slow ataryation, 
systematio omeltv administered in infinitesimal doses till deatn 
results — any or all of these won't do it. Bat knifing; her may be 
dangerous ; and buming her to death in her sleep, by setting her 
Uanketa on fire after saturating them with paraffin, is, as Ptmch is 
at present advised, the one v^ of getting rid ol a wire which emures 
for the poor husband who did it the hard >i>enalty of the gallows. 
Witneaa the OKeeotion of liicsAXL Gabsidt in Maaehester Gaol on 
the 17th inat P^iapa if Michasl Cassidt's new and yery oomplete 
mode of nzorioide heoooies more common, it may he felt that the gal- 
lows is too aevere a punishment for it. and the same knienoy will £aye 
to be extended to wile-burning whion is abeady m«ted to other more 
familiar forms of that Yery yenial speeiea of the genus homidde, 
known as wife-killingw 

**0 si sio OmaMi" 

PuKOH congratulates Mr. Jomr Cox on his brief but brilliant 
speech at the Common Council meeUng, on the foul attempt at 
assassination of the Czab. '*The Coundl,*' said Mr. Cox, ^had 
better mind its own business.'^ Uncommon counsel, perhaps, to the 
Common Council, but not the less to the point. 

A MiUennium in Italy. 

EmG Httmbebt, in his speech from the Throne, invited the Italian 
Parliament to commence the gradual abolition of the Grist Tax. 
The Legislatare will thus liberate the flour of Italy from a grinding 
impost. If we could tax one form of Italian grist— that ground out 
by the organ-grinder— it would bo a blessing, and the more heavily 
the better I 


Punch need hardly say that the article in his last week's nnmber 
headed,** A Real Page from an Autocrat's Diary^" though it appeared 
on the same day on whioh the tidings of the Winter Pidaoe explosion 
reached London, was vnritten and in type many weeks before. 

It was intended as a ^^reductio ad absurdum" of the newspaper 
reports of the ubiquity and yariety of the attempts on the Czab'b 
life, and the precautions taken andnst theni, not without a shadowing 
forth of the ghastly reality of danger behind these reports and the 
sources of that danger. Such a subject would certainly not have been 
chosen in the presenoe of the recent murderous attempt at the Winter 
Palace, and under the sense of its actual and possible consequences. 

When Punch deals with such subjects, it is in a serious spirit, 
as in his Cartoon of this week^ showing cowering Terror in the 
garb of Imperial Power above, with the more hideous mockery of 
Liberty, in the form of blind and murderous Licenoe, below. 

March 6, 1880.] 




Y<nmg Housewife, '*DsAs mbI what txb7 mm all £oo8 fob Twopxnos- 


AffaJbU Dairy- WoTnan {wh>o has aliowys a ionclusive reply for eomplaimU). 
"Well, tes, M'v. bo it dobs. But I'yb always notiobo that New-laid 
eogs 4rb small 1 " 


With the Merchaxit of Venice still on the crest of the full tide of snooess at 
the Lyoeum, Macbeth in oooapationof the boards of Sadler's Wells, with OtheUo 
and Hamlet to follow, and now — ^last and not least — Ab You Like It at the 
Imperial, who shall say that the imn^ortal William is not holding his own 
on the London Boards P 

For tragedy at Islington Mr, Punch regfets he has not yet found a night. 
But with the Royal Merchant, the heaYily-handicaj)ped Jew, and the fair and 
witty Lady of Belmont^ he has long been at home in the Lyceum ; and for A% 
You Like It in Westminster he has beem happy enough to find two afternoons 
already, and hopes to And more. 

Amonsr 8hak8P£ase*8 romantic comedies, the exquisite sto^y of BoeaUnd in 
Arden holds as prominent a place as that of the Prince of Denmark among his 
tragedies. The fragrant breath of young life, end the pure passion of voung 
loYC ; the chequered shine and shadow and wholesome odour of the woodland ; 
the primitiye labours and lowly passions of shepherd and shepherdess; the 
woodland sport, seasoned with the quiet and sweet philosophy of the Banuhed 
Ihtke : Jaquet^e world- weariness under the ma^k of nhiluso^hy, and his Stoio 
disguise for oYnioal and effete Epiimreanism, are all harmonised in a series of 
pictures, to wnioh the tinkle of the sheep-bells, the song and horn of the hunters, 
and the jingle of T&uchatane^s motley, make a deligktful music. In what part 
did eYer strength and lustihood, swift loYe and high-bom youth, spring to 
life before us, as in Orlando? Where shall we find courage, archness, 
and buoyancy with grace of opening womanhood, embodied with such charm 
as in Itoeahnd f What f oolinff was cYcr subtler and sharper than Touehatom^s f 
What dignity in exile is stateuer and wiser than the Dune's f When did philo- 
sophic pretension CYerflndamoreimposingYooabularYthanin the mouth of Jo^rues f 

The piece is at once play and poem, romance ana idyl, philosophic essay and 
day-dreiEun. Amon^ the enchanting glades of Arden we seem to fleet the time 
carelessly as they did in the golden world I 

All very well this, the reader may say, a projfos of the 
play when pr^^ented before the mind's eye, with Fancy 
to (^st the parts, and Imagination to set the scenes. 

But how reooticile this rhapsody with the play as pre- 
sented on the I [tiperial boards, with Miss Litton to super- 
intend the aotion, and Mr. Pe&kins to paint the scenery f 

Well, really f Mr, Punch did not think he could haYC 
seen the play through with so little sense of jar between 
his faooy and the faotS set before him as he did at the 
Imperiil laat Wednesday. The beautiful Comedy is 
beautifully put on the sta^, and as well acted as we can 
hare any hope of seeing it acted in London* failing a 
theatrioil realisation of AUena^a notion, that ''Mountains 
mmy be removed with earthquakes, and so encounter." 

Meantime, Punch recommends sll who want to see ^« 
You Like It^ a« he likes it, and as he Ycnturei to say, 
they ou^ht to like i^ to take their places at the Imperifd. 
It IS an after ucson theatre, and they can get their plea- 
sure over before dinner^ so that it need not iuYolye 
their carrying an iU-digested meal to their stalls— 
plaoes, however suited to a fattened ox, eminently unfit 
for a well^dinetl man. 

Punch has a ifreat respect for tiie critics, and of oourse 
be likes, If poH^tble, to steer his judgment by their com- 
passes ; though this is by no means easy when they point 
dLfferent ways ; when, in fact, you have not only to box 
the oompasst biitto consult compasses that box ea<m other. 
One critic tells him that the play is too sumptuously 
attired and mounted, that the dresses of the foresters in 
particular are too ffay and bright. Now it seemed to him 
that while the Court of tiie usurping Duke was Y«ry 
haudaomely famished in regard oi courtiers and ladies, 
as w(.'U a« ttjrraoes and gardens, the Court of his 
banifihi^d brother in Arden was appropriately arrayed in 
mr^ at hoddtsn grey, autumnal brown, and Kendal 
or linooln green, leatner jerkins, and rough leggings 
—very titting f<jr hunters' garb, and not a bit too nne for 
their plaoe Mid purpose. He nas. certainly, noYor seen 
a Mftmiind so appropriately, moaestlY, and tastefully 
attired ^ and so much at home in her doublet and hose; 
never an Oriarido better dressed, as well as of more 
youtliful tiR-ure, bearing, and movement ; never a 
more prettily costumed transformation ef Celia into 

The oomplaint of OYCr-splendour of attire, or over-elabo- 
ratitm of Houtiie setting, is the last he would have expected 
in ihBHAi days of sumptuous realism in furniture, dresses. 
and deeoratitintj in such high places as the Haymarket ana 
the Su Jameson. On the contrary, the costumes, artisti- 
cally defltf nt^d by Mr. FoRBSB-RoBiBTSON, and the soenery, 
excellentlj' planned and beautifully painted by Mr. Pir- 
KiKSj, Beemtiu to Punch to satisfy, but not more than fairly 
ftatifliT,. the exip^enoes of our time in the presentation of a 
pi ay of S Q A E s p i-AKs's. There was certainly no more dis- 
play in the Iiiiporial^« You Like It than in the Lyoeum 
MfrcAani of Venice, and, above all, there was no undue 
aacrriiioijjx uf tb^ oast or the performance to the stage-show. 
Ft>r the play wiu very well acted all round; exceptionally 
wi-ll aut«d« BM times and companies go. 

You hud tintt and foremost an eminentlY satisfaotory 
pai r of lovtrs iu Viss Litton's Eoealind and Mr. BkllrwNi 
OflantJtK The former has never till now, to Punch's 
knuwU lige* played a Shaktpearian part. But as ButaUftd 
she revealed a rare power of intelligent, consistent, and 
wt:ll matured conception, gracefully, spiritedly, and 
thon>u^hl J worked out. 

Thn oriiiea uU. me her acting lacked tenderness. I 
should bti ^\Ad to know where Rosalind is to show it, 
e3^€«;pt in h^r ubides to Celia ; and in Miss Litton*8 per- 
furtnmioti i did Qot see any want of feeling in these rare 
revelatiims of Rosalindas more loving self, after she has 
donned doublet and hose. She tells CeUa^ before her first 
dDOouiitj'r mtb iyrlandom the forest, that **she will speak 
U> him like a sau'iy lacquey, and under that habit play the 
kuave with biui/' and this is precisely what Miss Littov 
did, thereby honourably, as it seems to Punchy distin- 
guish inr herself from the other Rosalinds he remembers, 
who, all of them, let too much of the woman idiow under 
doublet and hofio, thereby risking the purity of the part, 
whieh d&pt^ndB mainly on the aosenoe of sex-oonsmous- 
nesB with which RosaUnd gives herself to the full flow oi 
spirits and eauciness. 

6o I tiee S4jme of the critics complain that Mr. Bsi.LBW 
lacked londerneHS. I can only say that I did not see him 
pass by any opportunity of showing it that SfiAXfiPSABX 

YOL, LXXVill, 



[March 6, 1880. 


DecUer (to Jim^ his Head ifan). '< Now, thbv, whxrb asb tou ooino with that HoflS f '' 
Jim. " Lord only knows to a Fiild or two, Sir." 

hai indicated in his part. I should applaud, not blame^ him for the 
absenoe of tenderness in his Toice, look, and manner, with Eosalind 
in her boy's olothes. A different bearing would have been indelicate. 
The banter between the two young: loyers. as presented at the 
Imi>erial, loses all sunrestion of oifence hj tneir sprightUness and 
animal spirits. I noted no lack of feeling in Mr. Bellsw's manner 
in the First Act, nor of manly tenderness in his demeanour to old 
Adam, which was in refresning contrast all through with the 
wooden-heartedness of most Orlandtts of Punches ax>quamtance. 

The Jaqueswiu not unworthy of these two leading[ figures of the 
play, but it is a mistake to put him before them. It is true that the 
part of Jaqttes is far subtler, far harder to hit the key-note of 
than either Rosalind or Orlando, for whom youth, grace, and 
spirits will do so much. There are many wa^ oi oonceiying 
the character. In Punches conception of him he is no Stoic, but a 
5/<it^ Bpicurean ; his attitude of cynical superiority to the world 
is mainly affectation, and his philosophy, while putting on all the 
airs of profoundness, little more than skin-deep. Eyerybody sees 
through him. . 

According to this Tiew, Mr. Hbrhak Ybzik, beautifuDy as he 
declaimed the famous **SeYen Ages," did it with too sincere and 
deep-seated a graTity. The speech is, to our notion, a light prolu- 
sion of Jaques\ not a philosophical summary ; in it, as in fill he 
does and says, he is thoroughly self-conscious. In fact Puntih 
still waits for his Jaques, till Mr. IvnsQt puts on his mask. In 
the meantime he is glad to bear witness to the admirable deliv-ery of 
the famous soliloquy, and all the other speeches of the part, from 
Mr. YifiEnr'B own saturnine conception of the diaraoter, whlah is a 
yery maintainable one, and perhaps the most effectiye in acting. 

Punch noted with pleasure that the speech of the First Lord 
describing Jaquet^s moralising oyer the wounded deer, was giyen 
back to its proper speaker, instead of being put into Jaques^s own 
mouth, as has long oeen done by acquiescence in an arrangement 
that must haye be^ first dictated by some stage necessity. Strange 
to say, the speech is still thus spoken in many theatres. It was so 
spoken by Mr. Charles Habcoubt at the Haymarket when the play 
was last reyiyed there. 

A young Actor, Mr. Stephens, spoke the difficult speech with 

excellent discretion, though too neryous to be quite master of his 

Mr. Brotjgh's Touchstone was safe to be funny, but no< to be so 
refreshingly free, as it is, from extraya^^anoe or yulgarity. It was 
droll andquaint, witJiout any oyeroharging. 

Mr. W. Farben's Adam was dignified and path^c, though hardly 
homely or robust enough, perhaps. There seemed too little of the 
healthy red of a "kindly winter*' upon his cheek, or of the 
hoarded strength of frugal y;ears in his bearing. Still, the imper- 
sonation was oomplete from its own point of yiew, and in no way 
out of keeping with the rest of the cast. 

As jnuoh may be said of the Celia of Miss Crbsswsll, which was 
essentially graceful and sweet if a little wanting in presence and 
weight of docution-^whioh will, doubtless; come. 

£. EysRiLL ffaye the fine lines of the Banished Duke with the 
right feeling both of their music and their meaning. 

Miss SiLYiA Hodson's . Audrey in dress, look, and bearing, was 
the riffht uncouth, and unkempt, but comely. Shepherdess, who 
might naye followed her flock and milked her Jcine in Arden. The 
minor parts of WUUam by Mr. Bahitistbr^ Silvius and Phebe by 
Mr. Treyor and Miss Bruntoh, and Conn by Mr. Bttvch, were, 
the first exceptionally weU, the rest adequately filled. The songs 
of Amiens were efi(ectiyely snng, with a good nuinly yoice and good 
execution, by Mr. Ck)YEBrTRT. 

Mr. Charles was an animated Le Beau, and marked the meaning 
of his part wcdL Mr. Allbrook was a stalwart Charles, and Mr. 
Edgar, first, a duly malignant, and, afterwards, a duly penitent, 
Oliver. Mr. Babkabi). Conductor of the Orchestra and the Chorus, 
did justice to the well-selected music The scenery of the Duke's 
Palace with its stately terraced garden, and the two Forest Glades, 
one with the old oarlot's cote, were beautiful examples of scenic art 
and arran^ment ; and the painter^ Mr. Txrsisb, fairly deseryed 
the call which summoned him and his chimney-pot and black frodk- 
coat to make their bow in Arden I 

Altogether it is bng, yery long, since Punch has felt so happy in 
a Shakspearian reyiyu^mounti^, stage management, and acting 
together. -.^ 


















Digitized by ' 



[NIarch 6, 1880. 


ProfeMor Ehre^i Lecture— ff is $t4iiect$^Tf^atn^nt'-ilake''Up— 
Costume — Cnlourt — ^motions — Simile — Love — Ana'er — lUus- 
tratione— Eniertfiiner — Blonh— foe^ — fur^ — Iltstory^ Old 
School— preat j(ctor9—Conclu9wn </ Zect}$re-^ Frotpective 

Professob HiLEB, l^t9 (rf t|^9 Ooort, now of St. James's, may ]>e 
expected to leotnre on t}xe fol\an\ng subjeots ;— 1. The T^e Qxpret- 
sion of the ^motionf ; 2- EehearsaU ; 3. Stage Deooraticm ; 4. The 
b4tore the Ci^rtain eeneraDjr ;— 

Auditorium, $jii 

certain matters oonnebi 

fv)— I've oome to giye yoii a lecture on 

~*tli i}ie prama; and— er— I— (»i<iW#n<^, 

pleatantlvy hit very ra- 

piWty) ^ nope we shall 
gtii on well to^etktir. 
{*^ Hear I hear P^ from 
the Students. The Lec^ 
turer look* about, bemn- 
ingly^ thvfi resumen,) 
taank you foT your re- 
cstption. Which i^ gra- 
tifyinf —very gralifyingr 
— {«fnphiitically and an- 
grily) — moit ifra ti/y in g. 
{Lotiks round dejit^ntiy^ 
a* if expecting contra-' 
dktmn. ^'mar! hmr!» 
from ihs SiudenU, The 
Jjeciurer $miks, huks 
ubout him sharjilu from 
l^if to rights i&itK m^mh 
the ^ame action as i* eX' 
hihiied by a canary ah^iut 
^ chirrup t and then r«- 
ft4m(}3 . ) Gentleman ^ th tj re 
is one thuif that erery 
^utor will nava to deed 
vdih^ianarily and posi^ 
tiyely) — he can't help 
himself, confound it, he 
must deal with it— {he- 
coming more and more annoyetl^^munt deal with it, hang it I— (#wi- 
denfy smiiing very j?£ia#an^/^)— whether he Ukctt it or not, eh ? {A$ 
"" ' ' - . t . .' iL *r rhethor he likt*3 it or not. 

^ objects, " Hear / hear! " 

Well, now, dentlemen, in representing an emotional part, the first 
thiug far the Actor to m is to entirely obliterate hla own indi- 
Tidnality — {shaking hie index fings^r at ihatn tcamingly) — ^I do not 
aUade to " makipg-up *'-— J don^t lay much slreas on ** making-np "— 
in f^iGt—{beeoming thoroughly vexei^ and rukbiag hit head with hi$ 
right hand in a highiy irritfihU lymn^^H—no one hut a barn idiot 
would rely merely on ** make-up "—any fool can make xi!g—{rappinf 
the tuble viofently}-^9Jid the greatest Aotora don't mako up at all— 
da^h it, »5ir, they didn't even wear the t^ostame of the period of the 
play I I {Sudd^n^y qmt« pUatant and h^^amtng,) Ha ! ha I That was 
absurd, wasn't it r {t'iughing.) Fancy Mticbeth in the Court suit 
of George Tffi T HI JiD'fl time! {taughier.) Wo should think (t 
odd now— but the greatest A^ctor did ll— Gakrick. 1 a'poso he was 
as great as they lay, eh f {Smiling dabufti*ly.) 1 s'pose bo. Ho must 
have heen great— [aftgril^)—h6 mnet have oeen— hang it f [Expot- 
iuhiting,) Sir Joft^FA Joh^ok, 1 mean RgmoLiis— (/i;Mffj— hal 
ha I the idea of Sir Josuita Jourrsox absurd, wasn't it I ha f ha! 
eh?— well, tboee two and^antt— everybodr wuldn't have been jnif- 
token— it s impoisible— (fui^ff his no4e with hie right hnnd^ om \f vtry 
marh worried ffy the itLfa)—it *» ^fiik iraposftMo- Don't you think 
so ? They couldn't all have been miitakeii. f* ffear ! hear ! ''from 
Student^^ Leciafer appears a trifle more tati^ed, but not thQ^ 
raughiy convinced^ and coufultt hie notet.) 

Ah, yea— I w&a sp^etLking about tlio Actor o( an ©motional part 
obliterating hi* indJvidual^ty io illuitrating the emotions* Kow- 
[ frowning) -what do 1 mean by ecnoticin r {Looking very mue^ 
aetomshed^ as if ttmieboify eUe had atktd a q*ietiii^n^ to which tke 
an8ii>er wat itif-etident.] What do I m«atl by emotioa? Wb 
what are the emoliaDs, h\xt—^s^ngriiy)—h\ighUiT—{ryii)teHUy}—l\) 
—{tnorg jft^itsuntig) -tears, aad— {*miiiug) - anger* [4 pplami,) 
dun t thuik ihisre are an? maT^-lf^fttphttUmUyi—l dun t stje that 
There mn be any mi^te. Of ouurie thi?fe sro cumbinatlons and gra- 
datiuu* as there are of the prismatio coluuri in tb^ rainbow, ohP 
— {Loke round douhlfutiy) - ^ the priBiuatio culoura in the— {(?on- 
eidering—then pu*Uively}—Yt^—%h^Tt are four prismatic oolours— 

if replying ta htt otpn qtt^iiiim)—T^h whether he likes it or not. 
[Looke round inquiringly f io see \f any Qne 
from Student* ^ 

(decidedly)— in the rainbow. {Pleatantly.) That's rather a neat 
simile. (Smiles, Then begins to check off the emotions and the 
ootoure on his flngers.) There we are — nrst colour, blue: corre- 
sponding emotion, laughter. C^^ Hear ! hear/**) Second colour, 
|id : corresponding emotion, tears. (** Hear / hear ! " And the 
Lecturer qads* smilingly^ and muck pleased with the progress) — I 
don't see why laughter should be blue, and tears red, excent that — 
(laughing shortly)— td9X% make the eyes red—ha I ha I — and perhaps 
lauAter makes you blew your mwe— (intensely gratified)— hB, I ha I 
—blew— bins— b9> I ha I eh r 'We]l—(su(idenly^ and seriously)— ttiAt 's 
two— laughter and tears— blue and wd. Then the fourth— no, third 
polour, yellow— that 's anger. Yes — (looking dmiuted)'— yellow, a 
regular piUous complexion— liyer out of order. Yellow 's uie liyery 
6t anger. (Surprised at the pun, and very muck deligkted,) Ha ! 
ha !— livery of anger— yellow. 'Gad, that 's good ; ha I ha I (Applause 
and laugher.) Yes; and the fourth prismatio colour— (/rourn*) — 
let 's see— (ptiwfec/) —were we at the fourth ? No. (Ooes over tkem 
again.) Yes— I 'ye done three— what 's the fourth prismatic colour P 
(Hubs kif head irritably,) Dash it. there mwt be a fourth,— there 
ought to be— blue, red, yellow— no, let 's see — surely— (<rw« to recall 
to kis mind's eye the last rainbow he has «06n)— there — ^mnst— no — 
(as (f suddenly strtiek by the discovery)-! 'm hanged if there is I 
There 's no fourth prismatio colour. Gentlemen, it 's a mat pity 
for the sake of the simile, which would really haye been con- 

are all the gradations 'and combinations of the emotions— com 
passion, pity, revenge, remorse, fear— ah I— (stM^en/y)— I should 
nave mentioned '* fear '' before. That makes ^ye— (emphatically)— 
five prismatic emotions. (Jerks kis rigkt wristband down contrnt- 
sively, and thrusts his left hand into the breast of kis waistcoat. 
Having thus puUed kimself togetker, ke resumes) — 

TSloWj the Actor must avoid expressing them all in the same way. 
(Angrily,) A man would be a fool— a blatant fool— who tried to do 
so. Don't tell me— (ou>^9n%)— that one stupid stereotyped manner 
will be sufficient to denote every variety of passion, every shade of 
emotion! ]fol— (rape the Mle) — never I '^ 

When the lf>Ter is sup- 
not, he mustn't glare i ' 
going to eat herj^iJocfUarly)' 

EDsed to be grieved by his mistress's conduct, he mustn't glare at 
er OS though he were — [piraiantly] - going to eat her—-{Jocf3arly) — 
ha I ha!— Ilk© the wolf with Med Eiding Hood. When he would 
mingle his tears with hers, and they embraeo for the last time on 
earth previous to his, or her, (or both), being led off to execution, the 
Actor must let the audience see that he m weeping, lEmphtUicatty,) 
They must see the workings of his oounteuancc — {stiu more t^mpkati- 
colly) — and he mustn't aturk his arfcistio work by turning his 
back on the audience, placing his arm round the lady's wois^ and 
Walking up the stage with her! [Comes dmcn h^ar-ily wi^h kxs fist 
on the tahie.) t say, no Actor must do that, and I 11 add, ana I 
don't care who hears me, and you may tell tnem I say ao, whoever 
they are — an Actor who daren't show his face to the public in a 
strongly emotional part, may call himself an Actor — (^«ttwi^ 
warmer)— m\A he may he— (^/ifjre Bxcitedly)^^, good self-dliaguiser — 
(tioleniljA — a fir8t*rale maker- up — {with bitter sarcasm and concen' 
irated /tiry)—axi inimitable entertainer, or a small -character part 
man with on© eccentricity, hnt— {boiling over)^l*m—{chcck/np kim- 
s^{f) — l ^Ta'^{exploding) — hanged, if he's a true dramatic A Hast or a 
g^at Actor, — and — {mUte pleasantly, and looking round inqiUringlt/) 
— 'non my soul I hardly think we should call bira an Artist at aU, 
ehr {Smiltii cheerfidiy. Great applame,) No; we shotdd con- 
sider him in Mr. WoonrK's line, or Mr. MAC<;AnK^f--^{iaugking) — 
both^(?^*VA deep conviction, and defying contradiction) --Wioom- 
Wonly clever men in their way, and^(rf*^>l<i»*;V^— deservedly suc- 
cessful— (^fttutm^y his fi}rejinger at iftefn)— deservedly suocessful, 
mind yoQ--l say I should oonsider %\\.<h a man as an Entertainer, 
with a stook-in-trade of trick- wigs, trick -dresses, and— (r-i^ry jjfea- 
santiy)—r^ table behind which he disappears, t^ reappear as some- 
b<>dy eke, ouly rather more like himself than ever, {ApplatMe,) 
Bh Y—^MUkly and smilingly)— XhnX 's about it, i8n*t it ? {Hear ! 
kear ! 'J Yea, I knew you *d see it in that light. (Emphntically,) 
In fact, it '^ the only common sense view of acting, otnerwise an 
Actor's only a dn^mmj^{frowning)—iL mere dummy — with some 
mechaniam inside^ perhaps ; but — {Jiercf^ly) — unless ho can portray 
ul the epotions — {shaking his right forefinger in the airt threaten- 
f^g^t/t 0^ the ctas^t and speaking mo^t set' f rely) — all thp i^ motions, 
mind you^— he is no more than a lay figure for dresses* and his 
head^(iffi'^A sudden cheerfulness and great appreciation of the simile) 
—a mere wig-block— (tj<)&j round beamingly) — a mere wig-block, 
e|i y {Laughs^ Appia^^* The Lecturer Jerks himself together, 
and retuin4s)^- 
8o mutih for ©motions. Gentlemen* Now for rehearsals. I don't 

Slow what you may have heard from my friends the learned Pro- 
asors BiNoaoFt and MoLLmGaEEiP, but I '11 tell you my opinion. 
(Furiously)— Ha.n^ rehearsals! What's the use of wa^^iiu^ your 
time at rehearsals f What does What*j*l4sNi|aine'^(ri^ hts head 
irritahly)--jQ\i know — hlesa my eoul !— thli po^f— ^^f/wr^f/A*) — ^not 

March 6, 1880.] 



WATT^—{kiuffhs more)— nor Wells— though, mind yon, Ma Olima 
waa Urst-rate— firBt*rate, Sir, though » that didn't take half-an- 
hotiT to rehoarfle, and waa obuclcGd on the stage anyhow— anThow* 
And what was the reault ? A triunsph. A hi^ profit, A profit out 
of a poet I Eh f {Laughs mdcUnfy and h^artili^.} A prophet out of 
a poet I Ha ! ha ! {Shpt ahrupiiy^ nnd reaumts ^erwusty)—' 

Gentlemen J the poet— I forget which, but yoii*il all Tfioog:mae the 
linaf says : — 

*^ Ant well ymr part, thiu ALL the honoor liet.*' 

Tme : not m rehearsal, not in repetition, but in actinjr^ {Angrily.) 
Don*t go by rale: don't study each little action in detail. (-Dw- 
gusi^d,) Paltry I bah I finniokin^ ! But give yonrself up to tnapi ra- 
tion, (TnciiivdpS A good bold broad style I Nothing nigytjigl 
A Btylo for whion Drury Lane ot Covent Garden would not be too 
large I A «tyle that cripB the public— grnpt 'em. Gentlemen — 
{cknching hit hand^ arxd frowning ^ar^^cty)— grips the public, mind 
yout the vast varied public, the outspoken, hearty puolic — {riiing 
to hi$ subject enthmasU'eali^) — whoM pulse vibrates to the Aotor^ 
voice — {more enthusiasticalfy) — whose heart heats with a — with a — 
with a true eoho — Uhumpi on the tahi^yand hok^ rou7id to ue if any 
one tmll contradict Aim)— with, I Bay, a True Echo, a response — {more 
pleased imth this worcf, he stands upright ^ and confronts the chss 
bald! I/) — a response which is more gratifying than the feeble efforts 
at faint applause from langfuid lounijer9^(i^tiA utt^r t/w^wii)— or the 
intolerable aJleetation of ©ithetio idiota and faehionaWe fools in the 
stalls and private boxes» Bah 1 

I agree with Professor BAjrcBorr aa to an andienoe* I do — yee— 
{\ciih eonmciuyn)-*! do, I aay, give me a large pit overflowing with 
humanity—humamty hot, strong, and plenty of it — {cheorfidfy] — 
like grog-, GtntUmen* Eh F Ha 1 ha I— like grog. It only wants 
stirring, {Suddenly secina that a simile may he pushed too far ^ adds 
c/c?a»ani;y)— 'P'raps you*U say that it only wants a s^on to stir it. 
Eh F No, no> Joking apart, that ^s the sort of audience I would 
have you all appeal to— a spnnkling of the national intellect in our 
private boxCB ; the lower-upper and upper-middle class in the dreas 
circle ; the lower middle in the tipper boxes ; the npi>er- lower in 
the pit* the lower in the shilling gallery, and in the siipenny the 
lowest nighest. The Actor who plays before such an audience as 
that, night after ni^ht^ appeals to the real genuine publio { and if 
they throng to see him, this man^s name will be handed down to pos- 
terity with those of— iA— {pauses to find how far hack in history he 
ea n go— sudden ly) —of Roscm 9— {appla use) — of — of— [considers aga in 
— thinks of Gajibick — but it occurs to him, for (he first time, that 
there mi^t hare been some^ Actor of note bettceen RoacTDS and 
GiREiCiC— tmAs his head irriiatetHy^but^ unwilling to keep his 
audience in sit^peneet udds^ annrity) — of GinniCK- (r«nj the rest off 
easily) — of Keajc, Keiible, ilACREADT, and^(mi«'A relieved}— Hk 
i&G%-^{chttrftdly) — a host of others. {Applause t during which he 
Jerks himsaif together, and resumes his discourse.) 

Gentlemen, one subject which oonoems those whom Providence 
may place in Management. Don't bother about etnge decorations or 

nerties. Anythini?^ will do ; as anything — or even nothing — used 
when the puhlio only required good actingj and went away 
contented* For Heaven's tiBk^-^violmUfy)—i3i this prosaic age do 
let ns leave sometJiing to the imaginationi If yon *Te got hold, 
broad, eipajisivo-^{./iffrejs^y)— thorough, first-rate acting, you Ve got 
er if ry thing ; without it yon 've got nothing— m^ — {positively) — abso- 
lutely nothing. 

And for the front of the house, ^h!^i— [appealing e&mestly)^mh^% 
I ask yoUv i^Aaf more is necessary than clean linesa and tidiness r 
Nothing. It is the plain well-cook:ed chop only to he got in our 
smok^ old Londont and, best of all, in what is termed the heart of 
the city — (tcarmly) — and that *a the heart to appeal to, mind yon — 
against what our ancestors ealled "French kickshaws ^^ — [plea- 
ftmi^j/)—" kickshaws I " Hal ha I What on earth- (f/w^^^n/i///^) 
-^oes a theatre want with piotu]?e- galleries and statuary? {Dis- 
dainfully.) Who wants Tal JoifBaEa and Hahous Wht&tleb's 
pictures, with Bttrns Morris's papers, Saoe Grekw^s hangiugii. Sir 
NEtTTBAL TiNTo'fl deooTations, and old china fid -fads in a theatre r Is 
it ft mnseum P Is it a booth in a fair ? Is it a second-hand curioHity 
shop ? or a Grosvenor Gallery ? Bah I Boeh I Stuff I Trash I \ 

i Smiling ironically,) Who wants to see moaaies in a th da tret' 
Suddenly struck wtth an ideaj and smiling knowingly,) Though 1 
think some of us have seen whole rows of Mosaios— ol verydeeided 
Mosaics — in a theatre before now — eh ? Noee-aica, eh P "Ha I ha I 
(Jtepeats it^ much pkasedj) Koae-sJosl Hal ha! Ked cloaks— and 
genuine theatrical decorationg^** orders,^* I mean» eh ? {Apph%ise 
and laughter. The Lecturer resumes.) Well, Gentlemen, I've 
hardly exhausted my subjeotai not at all exhausted myself, but tho- 
roughly exhausted your patience* {Cries of *\No * No!^^ ^^ Go 
<>n/" and applause,) My time is up, Gentlemen, but I hope to 
lotum to the subject at some future tune this term. I wiH merely 
conclude hv observing that you know my sentiments^ If I have 
eiipreBsed tnem boldly — {(uughing) — you will at least credit me with 
having put them before you honestly and— (*ct:#*-«/y>— fearlessly— 

{apphuse) — and if you practise my teaching— (*Aai*i>ij his right 
forefinger at them emphatically) — you will resuscitate the traditions 
of that grand and great school of Actors — {thumps the table) — 
which were vn. danger of being lost in the — the — (anyrt'/y)— nnlk- 
and- water old china- ism, \h^—vik'^-^more violently) — ^bnc-i-braoism, 
the— the *— {sa vagely ) — ajsthetio noodleism — ( ferociously } — ar tiatio 
anohbiflhnesa and-H;ftti^r/V)-^the effeminate nincompoopism — for it 
w eEeminate — (icith convihtionf and shftking At> finger at them more 
emphatieally than rr^^rj— and it is niuooinpoopiHm of the present— 
{pauses— then adds^ with sarcaHic cA^^r/iYfHt'w)— eleetro-nlated age 
—that's it, isn't ,it? — {laughs) — eleotro-plated age of shams and 
humbug I {Great applauH*) Gentlemen, good morning* 

[Exit abruptly. 

The names of Profesaori D. James, Heitry TuTCffl, Wa^tee La€t, 
and Arthitr Cecjx are down on the Lecture- board for this term* 
Students wishing to attend these lectures must send in their na3oaefl 
and address^ to the Roseius Professor, at his residence^ before mid- 


Mr* Pmich vints ih^ Mulu$ cii th4 Aquarium^ and huTsts into Un&m- 
trollahk Song, 

AUGQTEBia three 
of Ketch E- 


Punch is fain 
to fetch a sigh^ 
— oh I — 
Why doth law 
forbid polyga- 

When he 'd not 
obj&ot to trig- 
amy ? 

Were he but a 
King ol Zulu^ 
He could wed 
'oo all, and 
Tule'oo ; 
But he reigni 
not at Ulun- 
And he *b mled 
by Mrs. Grun- 
dy I 

UiTA-jTmi is his 

Or he 'd seek 
EA ; 
Then, with joyous carol, Tra, la I 
Straight fly on to Uita-lala, 
After her, nis Qncen of Saba 
Would have crowned Ui^^A-nMKXAB^i 
Busky maidens, lithe and Uesome, 
Punch would muchly like to kiss um I 
To his heart their limpid eyes ar9 
Fat-al as their assegais axe. 
But CW bono f Ah, beehrew it 1 
UKA-JtHDi I Rootitoeit 1 
\^Se arches down his hearty and goeih away sorrowfully* 

Ulraoleft in Uaya* 

The lame deroteei who flock to the miracle-working ehapel of 
Knock in County Mayo (see last Friday's Daily News) are said to 
leave their sticks behind them when they go away cured* 

It might be of service to worse Irish iUa than lameness, if after the 
** boys had tried the Knock cure, they would get into the way of 
leaving their sticks behind them in other places than County Mayo* 
Ireland is the last place in which we ahotila have expected cures vtd 
Knock. The sUoks left ought to be shiilelagha* 

wHAT*t Tim ouns? 

Wet shonJd M^P.'s fight over the ehoice between Quinquenniai 
and Septennial Parliaments F After all, ^tia six {mimts one) to the 
one, and halloa-dozen {plus one] to the other. 



* — -^ 




[Maboh 6, 1880. 


Head Milliner. "You will kow bb able to jodof, Madam, how bkoomiko a Greek Wreath is to a Person with todb 

Coloured Hair I " 


Brother Bung^ after perusing P. M. O. Article with the above 
heading^ approvingly soUloquuet .— 

Well, it 's prime to iind a Journal as is writ by gents for gents, 

A-putting things so proper, and a showing such ffood sense. 

Bat a gent w 0. £. mosuy, while yer Bad's a cad, an ass I 

Ain't tiiere some old Latin saying 'bout ** In toino weritas f " 

If so, it finds a pretty sort of pardner in this here. 

You tcon^t be far off sonnd reason whilst you stiok to good sound beer I 

Beer 's British, that 's wot beer is—not that Lager— poor sour swankey. 

Which you don't catch ihe a-drinking, nor vet selling, oh no, thank ye I 

But genuine English malt and 'ops, good Dody, head that 's prime, 

Like a true-bom British patriot, one of the present time I 

Ahl that's worked ' .• .« « 

And, indeed, who 

Twig? Tellthati 

That reason, sense, and patriot pluck all go along o' beer, — 

Though I 'm not a hinting, mark yer, that with spirits tisn't ditter— 

No ! patriots thriye on Irish 'ot as well as stout and bitter. 

But Seer 1— it 's liquid logic, fluid sense, essence o' grit— 

If that 'sputting it poetic. Brother Bungs won't mind a bit. 

For we Wittlers is wiwacious in our fancy, don't yer know ? 

Which it 's water and Rad principles as keeps the sperrits low. 

Beason in Beer I Peroiscdy. Here 's towards you, P. M. O, I 

I am blowed if our own ^Tizer could ha' spoke more to the P., 

The pint, I mean. Tou trust us ! It ain't a mite of use 

For them Lib'rals to inwiggle us,— don't we remember Bbttce P 

Lib'rals indeed I A-taking up with every fad and crotchet I 

Ah ! the Trade '11 wop 'em wusser than it has, if they don't watch it, 

They sneer 'bout *' fieer and Bible " when they're spouting on the 

Well, it 's ten to one on them two 'gainst the Bethel and the Pump I 
That 's where it is we has 'em !— We knocked 'em off their Southwark 

And we '11 back our barrel 'gainst their tub, we and our pal the Church 

Lor', isn't it a lark, though P— shows tliey 'd better mind their eye. 

Who dares the Licensed Wittlers to worry or defy. 

We 're too many to be sneezed at, we 're a Dower in the nation, 

And, by fp^jsi. uie '* Licensed Victuallers' Defence Association " 

Means going for that ^arty,— blue or yaller, it 's all one. — 

As rounds on all Permissiye rot, and leaves the Bungs alone. 

That 's our tip, and Bjbaeet— bless 'im I— is a cock o* the right comb 

To whip his enemies abroad, and 'elp his friends at 'ome. 

He won't cave in to forriners, Ae won't lend ear to fads ; 

'Gainst the libs and Local Hoption, 'gainst the Eooshians and the 

He 'a a regular square stand-upper, and so every Public Bar 
Is a wote-ground for the Tories, and they might find wus, by far. 
Tes, the P, if. O, has hit it I Let ^e Liberals howl and jeer— 
We mean backing up our backers— and our Beason it is Beer I 

<<In Linked 'SternneM' Long Drawn Out." 

No wonder if even the hard-headed Holkeb admits that the 
House must take the Criminal Code, as we take physio, a little at a 
time. Is it not physic for the acuter ills of the body poutio P 

The House can hardly be expected to swallow the Criminal Code 
—condensed by whatever skill of legal liebigs— at a gulp. It will 
be a great thin^ if the Coda—i,e,y tail— can be got through the 
House, joint by joint, and section by section. Punch will be quite 
ready to congratulate Sir HEimr Jahes if. by the aid of his powder, 
St. Stephen's can be brought to digest the Criminal Code after it 
has been digested by Sir James Stephen. Even this will ask great 
power of rumination. 


Thet are brothers who '11 leave a 

Bad worse in a jiffy — 
Dic-Tator on Neva, Digitized by 














a O 

Dinitizftd hv 


Digitized by 





N n recent oocaeion the Earl 
of DeRir^ in aDitaadvertinig 
on latemperanm*. at a meet- 
ing of the Coffee Tavern 
Company, set the orators of 
the oi^rapulaorj^ total abftti- 
nenco party an excellent 
example of truth anclaoher- 

*' People KmeUmm^*' he r^- 
jnarked» ** in opposiiigSir Wil- 
Farr> LAwaox, eaXd tbay wero 
a^ftLnat tempcrflQoo by oorapul- 
eion. He- (th« noble Lord) 
rather leant to that viow^ but 
there waa another view of the 
question, apd that \fm^ that m 
many large tawim ihara waa 
very like intomperan^^oby cam- 

fiulaion. Ho wm not only for 
oc&l option^ hut for peraosal 
option. Ai mattt^ra itood^ th«T« 
we™ many plaeea wheru a 
workman hi\d no choice be- 
_ tween drinking beer and golnf 

"^^^ tJuoceai, hoth in principle 
A **^ti * 1 .. rt,i T. aiid praetioe^ to '* Personal 

Upturn in snch matters. The Report of the Coffee Tftvcra Com- 
t^y Announces that the nett profits amount to II per oent, md 
that the DireotorB prt>poa© to divide five, At thia r%i^ of ioteri^Bt 
i ersonal Option nppears to be Bueceeding Bt> well ag to agaume nn 
ajroet^t wliich muat be interesting to specnlatiTa oapitaliata. Make 

rri> it; "n t» ^^w^^t-Liis w BpeuuuawYe oapitaiiaiar Make 

Personal Opbon a paymi? reaiity ; and see whether it will not 
soon cut away the grromnf which LoeaL Option (jow Jays claim to 
stand upon. For what, Britons, la ^'^ersonal Optml^t but'a 

form of FerBonftl Liberty? 
BtJix for ever 1 

Hooray I The Birthrigiit of Joror 


MorTDir, Feb. 23 {lonh].-Mr Lord Caiens-'* et tu, BruU /''— 
smiek a heavy bow at bill b of Coats, and dealt aore disoonracement 
to the^Famdy Solimtor 1 By two Bills he enables absolute owneta of 
settted ostates to do ever^thin^ which limited owners can do now 
aisj>tin8mg with intervention of the Court, and givinjr powct^, under 
proper checks, to^buy, sell, Icaae, divide, and exohanffo land fur the 
bentht of the mhentance. All this by two public Bills, instead of 
as many uri^ftteRille aethers are lawvers! Call y&u this dealioff 
wit h settled estates r 'Tis dealing with settled solicitors [ 

Adding insult to injury, he brinfrs iu an(»ther Dill at the same 
time tor shortening the lanfirnage of oonyeyancea, and providinir for 
lawyers payment bv rule of Court instead of length of deeda-^i * 
in the Ifi^al eense, of words* 

TheScoteh proverb saya *» Hawks winna pLko out hawka* een/^ 
^ut here we havo a Lord ChanoeUor picklnif out tho plums of 
everv family solmtor's pudding all over the United Kingdom 1 And 
i!?^l^^f ^^^'T ^V^\"i^t*^''' conffratuJat^a him on tho deed, 
M^ la ve^y to aid and abet him. And the BllU will pive^, aad the 
hZlTa 1 H ^^^'^^^^ ,1^4 tb^aitj will r^-oic^.^tiU So lawjera 
have had time to spm their web afresh, and labonoualy b^lldnp 
Zl ^!X^ f sta out of other materials, and in other nooka aoS 
comers of the Law Courts I 

Hl^^7TTC}~f' STiFFonn gaTo notice of his ObHnietion Resolq- 
R^mo;Z ^^"^.^^S **^y t*'^^^'* t^^ ^^^^^'« reaolutions bold I 

^XTL 'r^^^pI^Zt "'^^^"^^-^^ '^'^''' ^^ -^- ^- 

Dr. Fare haa had s apeoiol panaioa of £800 awarded him for hii 
§H? Z 1-if f"-**' fotte^ « the well-earned ea»e of bit even- 
S^^r th°« w1k?'^?\?* I?^ iieiristnLT-Offlee. even «, Ub old head, 
jmder the weight of h» threeaoore years and twelve Vajlr at 
least, might have gone farther, and faJed worw ' ** 

Rifil f D ■ ■i™"'*''™^''' P*";K "^t Sir STAFFoan'8 little game of 
Breachea of Prmlece, m which Messrs. Sfllitaw and O'DoNi^Lt 
Aowc-d gr«t aptitide but the House at lastgettln^ ti«d of theTs^ 
order passed to the Orders of the Day. Sir SfAPFoSomav thank hi^ 

Th^ Cnminal Code m wa« read a Second Time, and referred to a 
wL I ^} ot. Stephen s—toar hours of ehildbh tritiine fol- 

Tufsdau [Zor^<f),"-Irish Distress Bill bretight up, and Second 
iteading liied for Monday* £piir ti mttovg—in apito of the Obstruo- 

{C&mm^m.]^Mr. Bourse declines to say anything about Colonel 
SOOK, the English commanding oiHcer of Turkiah gendarmerie^ 
who, with hia wife, hag been carried off for ransomi by brigands, 
m^y of them Greeks by race, but Ottoman subjects, some ibirtv 
miles from Salomca. SaAZSPEiBB says ** 'Tis the sport to aee the 
engineer hoised with his own petard/^ But poor Colonel Stttge pro- 
bably sees little fun in seeing the gendttrme oificer nabbed by his 
own bngands. **Let him pay raneom,'' sap Niko; ** Stages are 
cot released for son gg— gave the aongs of yellow birds.*' In snoh a 
case Mr. Botteke wisely thinks *' least said soonest mended." 

Who on earth but Mr, Blake, when nobody above a county-court 
defaulter can be in these days arrested for debt, attaches the least 
l^J??£*P^i? ^ L ^^ ^^^ M,P/s eiemption from the tap of the 
baihjf r Let a bankrupt Member vacate his seat, as a rule, with 
exception 3 m specially guarded cases. Voiki tout ! 

Mr. Cross said the matter would be dealt with in the new Bank- 
ruptcy BuL 

To a thin and thinner House, which was with difEonlty kept alive, 

Mr* J . HoLSfS moved, and Mr. Co wen seconded, a Resolution in 

favour ot hve-year Parlismente. Perhaps if we were choosing, we 

should not choose seven years for the term of Parliament, but, prao- 

tioally, what earthly matter does U make, whether five years or 

seven meoHure out the Sessions' Fpan 'i: The days are gone by of tho 

J^iye Points, with Annual Parliaments bristfing in their van. 

Colonel Alex A3f dee moved an Amendment m favour of tho 

Septennial term, and a weary and uninterested House voted it bv 

110 to 60. ' 

Lord Sijrnoir moved for a Select Committee to look into the 

Btowmg of Graia Cargoes. Mr, Plimsoll's Bill aaaumea that the 

jtowing of gram cargoes in bulk instead of hags is the main cause 

J % foundering ol grain-laden vessels. Experts dispute this ; 

and a Select Lommittee is a very proper tribunal to invcBtigate the 

matter— especially with Plimsoll to look after the Committee* 

W^dm^dtAi/^—^^ quorum till a quarter past one. Then Mr. Nob- 
wood moved his County Courts Bill, for extending the jnHi^dictiou 
of the County Conrta to £200 in Common Law cases, and £40 in cases 
of ejeotmenti and to give them con^jurrent functions with the 
Supenor Courts, at suitors' will, in all but Admiralty, Probate, and 
Divorce busliieBs, Of course extension of business will carry ex ten - 
*|on of salaries. With legal functionaries cii va mm dire. The 
County Court Judge^s improved figure i» to be X2000. 

Tho lawyers generally approved, 

Mr. ASfDKTtsoK, as became a Scotch guardian of the publio purse, 
objected to Uie increase of salaries, to which the SoLlcrTf>E-GE3*i:E.4L 
distinctly declined to pledge the Government, 

Sir H. James protested against atarving the County Court Bench by 
inj udicious eoonomy. And certainly cheap law of the best quality is not 
to be had Irom cheap jawrers, ** Chenp and nasty '* holds generally 
true of the lawyer, tboufhnotof the law, which is '*dcar and nasty ^' 

Mr. NoRWOOD^s BlU— it ought to be called the Norwood Junction, 
as it links hands of County and Superior Conrta, which have hitherto 
stood apart— was read a Second Time. 

_ And then the Rouse plungod into the Scotch Mist of the Hypothec 
BUI, Second Heading moved by Mr. Vans Agnew, supportej by a 
Scotch phalanx o| both aides, doubted by Sir G. Ca»3ELL, and 
sneered at by Uird Elcho. But the Government has made up its 
mind I as have the Scotch Members, and, more impi^rtaut, the Scotch 
I enant 'Farmers, Tjaanks mai^y to them^ Hypothee *'has got 
to go* 

Thinthu (ior«£fJ — Lord SiKATHEnKF Airn CAMrBET.L moved for 
mr HOPE Grant s despatch on the Volunteer Easter Monday Eeview, 
the on^ report, as l^^rd B^lT pointed out, that sntibs the citizen 
Boldjera, all tho others being complimentary. Lord BrEV countered 
Lord t-raATnEDEN awo Camprell^a suggestion that the War- Office 
ehould pull the strings of the Volunteer held-davs, by the information 
that the Volunteer Acta left them their own initiative in such 

(Cflmpcw|.l--A great crowd for Sir STAPFOEn's Obstruction 
itesoluUons. But first, byway of prelude, oame a wonderful spurt of 
vigour froni the Speaeer, who ** shut up" a troublesome trio, Messrs* 
i ldisoll, B[QQAit, and Calla^t, in swift succession. Then, after 
a^ batch of questions, to which and the answers nobody listened, 
bir Staepohd moved his Kesolutions. 1. For BusT>en(3iug, for 
that sitting, any Member named by the Si>bakee or Chairman of 
Committees, as disregarding the authority of the Chair, or abusing 
the roles ot^the House, by persistent and wilful obstruction of busi- 
ness, or otherwise J the motion for suspension to be put without 
amendment, atyournment, or debate, and the third suapenfiion in 
the same Session to be for a week, or more if the House so deter-j 
mine, the Member having a right t/> be heard ag^iufst the motion foa 
such extended suspension. 2, That_thi| itt&olTition shall bo J 
standing Order of the House. O 




[March 6, 18t0. 


In a fall House Sir Stapfobd urged .what Punch need not 
repeat— that the Honae mnst have rules of debate, and most main- 
tain them ; that the bnsiness of the House is inoreasingr, and with 
it the misdhief of blocked measures and wasted time; that the 

worst thing that could ham>en the House would be to fall into 
public contempt ; and that the greatest danger of this will be from 
inability to maintain its own dignity and transact its own business. 
After explaining, Sir Staffobd put his Besolutions, which all who 

Maboh 6, 1880.] 




Bailie Verinto9\ Member of SehoohBoard {uf?u> vriihed to address the Children afur Luncheon), <*Noo, Bairns, aw'll jkrst tall 

TS, WK'RB a' like ShBPS— bomb's SN PoABRT !~80MS 'b aw a' OOT i' MED OCEAN !— SOME 's KBAB THE HavEN I Yb'rS JBBilT 

lbavim' Poabbt 1 Abh f*mb, aw tbbnx aw 'm aboot Hauf Shbabh over ! " [Agreed nem. can. 

oritioised seemed more inclined to pronounce too slack than too 

The Marqnis of Habtinoton, in the name of the Opposition, gave 
his support to the Resolutions, though he thought them open to cri- 
ticism. He would prefer that the Speakbr should he the Marwood 
of the House, and suspend peccant Ohstructionists without help of 
Honourahle Memhers, whose vote would be a superfluity. 

Mr. Nkwdegatb gave the statistics of Obstruction, and— worse still 
— ^the gabble-gauge for '77, '78, and '79, according to which the 
Hon. Member for Meath had addressed the House 500 times; the 
Member for Ghilway, 369 ; the Member for Dungarvan, 284 ; and the 
Member for Mayo, 135— an awful amount of small change (speech 
being silTem) among four Irish Members ! 

Mr. DiLLWTN did not oppose the Resolutions, but would prefer that 
the subject should be dealt with Sessionally by a Committee of Order. 
Obstruction was a game that two could play at ; and the majority of 
to-day might be the minority of to-morrow. Mr. Newdegatb 
should have sone back further in the annals of Obstruction— to the 
Clerical Disabilities Bill of 1870, when there were ten diyisions of 
more than 3 to 1, lasting far beyond the small-hours, in which many 
of the present Govemment had figured in the minorities. 

By this time the House— which had waxed wofully thin, under 
the combined attraction of dinner and repulsion of Newdegate — 
had^ dwindled down to five, and the Speakeb was only sayed from 
having to put the question by Mr. Biggas's moving a Count, and 
turning on the rush of Members from the dining-rooms. 

Then the Irish Brigade began their fire, opened by Mr. Jusmr 
Macastht. They were all for the Resolulions ; their only care— 
the candid darlings— was for freedom of debate and protection of 
minorities! Obstruction was far more due to mistakes of the 
Government than misfeasance of private Members. (Six of one, Mr. 
Maoabtht, perhai>s, but certainly a round dozen of the other.) 

Mr. &YVAX protested. The main oflPenoe of the present minority 
was that they were Irishmen. 

Mr. S. Llotb wanted a majority of two-thirds on the Speaxeb's 
motion for suspension. 

Mr. Hanbitbt thought the Resolutions too weak. He would 
administer a dose of Hanbury's Entire, in the shape of a far swifter 
and sharper punishment. 

Mr. SuLLiVAK worked up an effective retort to Mr. Newdegatb 
out of the statistics of Obstruction for 1870, when, on the Clerical 
Disabilities Bill, the Education Bill^ and the Army Purchase Bill, 
all the leading Members of the Admmistration had led, or voted in, 
insignificant minorities, and kept the House on the trot till daylight. 
In lact nearly all the occupauts of the Treasury Bench had qualified 
themselves to sit there by their course of obstruction in 1870 and 1875. 

Mr. Chaplin contended there was obstruction (English, and ex- 
cusable), and obstruction' (Irish, and inexcusable). He gave it Lord 
Habtikgton over the head and ears for presuminff to fall asleep. 
He was for throwing the responsibility of penal action on the House 
instead of the Speaker. ** Frapnez vite et frappez forV^ must be 
their motto. (Bravo, most belligerent and un-chaplainlike of 
Chapltns I) 

Sir W. Harcottrt was for throwing the responsibility on the 
Speaker, without any appeal to the House. At the same time he 
would support the Resolutions of the Government. All he and his 
friends wanted was to improve them. 

Lord J. Manners thought it best that the Speaker should name 
names, and the House inflict the suspension that must follow that 
awful rite. The cloture was, to his mind, objectionable as unfair to 
the rights of the minority. 

Mr. Fawgett was ready, without qualification, to support the 
Resolutions ; and Mr. O'Donnell gave them the valuable meed of 
his approbation—'* as a disinterested spectator." Nor he, nor his, 
had ever been named by tiie Speaker. He would have the 
Speaker's decision final. He was prepared to obstruct bad Bills in 
the present as in the past, and was proud of all he had done in that 
way. (No accounting for prides any more than tastes.) 

The debate was adjourned. 

Thus far the tide sets fair for the Resolutions— weak or strong. 
Whether, with a strong Leader and a stalwart S(>eaker there wonid 
have been any need of them, may be matter of opinion. q 



[March 6, 1880. 

Frifhy (Zordi),— Lord Beaconj^feeld ii sorry he (ian't find £2000 
a- year ta h^S fot a Gallery of Caats f rom tha Aitique, at tli© prayer 
of Earl CowtKR and qui&t Jimiable and msthetio archsPolo^BtB, 
Casts that ofltoli no HiH dou^t suit eitker Lord B.^b book at the 

Lord DtrsrEAT^N spoka forciblf on IrisTi enftering, the laok of 
telf- dependence, the ready ear given to agitators, the elamour for 
help from the State* and the deficieney of pnvat4j enterpnae in 
Ireland, Thf^re was pfood sense in aU he stkia abont the chafe of 
old coQfiHcations and oppresBions ; the difficnltifts of ^ Iriah landlords 
and the unfair meaitire meted out to them ; the mexpeduaoy of 
forcing jieawmt i>roprietorBhip ; and the probahle resiilt ot Pamel- 
lian agitation and agrarian Utopias* Hie sheet* anohof Was emi- 
gration. No donbt every emigrant betters biujBelfi and, in all 
probability, Ms kith and kin ; bat in the meantime agitation must 
he discourafredj law-abiding folk mniit bo protected and law en- 
forced, and that donei Time, *^ The Old JuRtioe/* must be waited for 
to try and mend aU, 

This was an nndommonly eomprehenfiiye and able tnmmajy of 
Irish ill I and their reraedica~the former, unhappily, the mote eaftf 
of disoovery. But what a contrast between the tone of the noble 
Lord and the Ignoble agrit^itors who find their harvest in the misery 
and ignorance of Ireland ! 

{Cbmm(mff.)—0b8t motion still stopping the way, bat a g^eral 
disposition to get the Kesolntions passed and haTo done with them. 
To thia Mr* SiiAW and Mr* GtADSTONis both helped, by hearty ao- 
oeptanc** of the liesolutions with some fair and intelligent oritidsflia 
of thent* Mr* Sraw^S ppeeah was an excellent one* 

An Amendment by Biooae, for in spending the fluspendinf Reeolti- 
tions after one o*olo<2k, ■was snuiled ont by 2^LH)tol4. An earnest 
of the fato that awaits lAr, 07>o5ifELL*e Amendment, that 100 
Members must bs present to hear the Sfea^k^e name a name. 

Mr. CptmT^TEY ipoke sensibly, aa he generally dcH^s— too sensibly 
to be listened to very patiently by a tired and heated honse, 
The debate was adiourned till Saturday at twelve, when, let us hope^ 
the Resolntions will be carried^and hung ^E *'^ terror €ni oyer the 
heads of the Irish Jntransigentes. The OTlONOGirtJE said, truly 
enough, they were meant as a rod in piekle for the Hofflfl-Enle 
Member^ of next Parliament^ and smell blame to it I 


People who delight in witnessinp performancea dangerons to the 
performers, will be vexed to hear that Mr, Hobson, the Manager of 
tJie Aqnarium, has written to the Middlesex Justicea a letter aigjii- 
ih'ing that, on account of the accident which lately befell " Z-eo," 
the Directors had agreed that "all tjerformaneea with mechanical 
projectiDg power should forthwith be interdicted," Apologising for 
'* the Zazel and Z^o shows," Mr. Hobsoh^ saya that the arrange- 
ments for them were believed perfectly safe, and further slates 
that : — '* The^e exhibitiona were universally popular, and were wit- 
nessed by I,4rl0jl00 persons, inelnding all classes of society.*' 

How were the foregoing iignree ascertained ? If by any epeoial 
contrivanee for distinoUi^ takin^t the numbers of those visitors of 
tbe Aquarium to whom, in particular, 'VZazel '^ and *'Z^o" were 
attractions, and who went there exprasiily for the gratification of 
seiHin^ thetn risk their lives, that popular place of amusement may 
bo supposed to have been furnish ed with an instrument of registra- 
tion extremelv well answering the purpose of what Sf dket Smith 
called a ** foolometer*" It would Iwa humiLiating to find that such a 
meter ha*, in fact, recorded as ** inelnding all claasea of society^" a 
number of persons amounting to a eoneiderable proportion of eeoiety 
at large. Let us hope tbe«e figures may be talcen to represent the 
adoiisRiona of the general public at the Aquariiim doors, and not the 
indications of any apparatus dedencd for the enumeration of a 
separate class of spectators -- the fools. 

tTo Guard our Flocks! 

" Sir G* P. Collet haa boen appointed GoTomor and Hig-b Commiftrioner 
of X»tal mud Cammand^r of tha trogps ia tb^ Baiith*E^istem dL^triet, in 
succeMitm to Sir Q-AaifEf WoLsatHlT sad Bir HENax Bitiwir.'' — Cakutta 

We have beard a good deal about African sheep, and the capabi- 
lities of the Transvaal as a wool -growing couutryK Latterly it has 
been more celebrated for its atray sheep than its shearliDgs* Here 
at last is the Co L LET to look after the sheep — Dutch and English* 
May the result soon be great wool and little cry, in exchange for 
^e present South- African ex:porti, great ory and httle wool* 


The Loeij Cbiei' Jusxicb picking holes in Sir Jawles Stephk^'s 
Criminal Cude, 


TEEas &re persons'— well-meaning persons too, no doubt,^who 
complain that Pitneh, in hia last week^s Catrtoon, entitled, ** Im~ 
pertum H Lihertas^^* has outraged propriety by insultiilg au 
unhappy Sovereign, for whom he feels respect, and the deepest pity* . 

The donkeys l—not the less donkeys, for their amiable feelings 
and exeellent motives. 

Wlien has Pum^h withheld hia comment of pen and pencil on 
events of commanding public interest^ because they were in them- 
selvfis serious or painful, sad, or even appalling ? 

It is the spirit and intention of his comments, on mich oooasiona, 
that jufitifiefl them ; removing them from the sphere of party, and 
redeeming them from the chari^e of levity, as suggesting grave 
thoughts, and questions of deep import for ourselves or others. 

But there wiU always be minds so oonstitnted as to be incapable 
of distinguishing irony from mockery, and satire from lacTk of 
serionsnesa* All Punch con say to theae persons is that he does 
not address them, and that they had batter not look into his pagea. 

They are quite distingnishable from another class of critics, who 
now and then cry out on Punch- a comments, because they wince 
under them, and oomplain that Ms arrows are poisoned because they 
sting* To eueh critics, Punch has nothing to aay. His best and 
only answer to them will be to follow the road he has followed from 
hia birth— the road of right, by aid of the light of truth, as far as 
it is in hia power to choose the one, and to recognise the other. 


Ok last Thursday night, February 26th, the Amateur Dromatio 
Club of Cambridge University, famvharly known aa the ** A* D, C," 
oekbrated ita twtnty-Hfth anniversary with a grand banquet in the 
Gmldhall of Cambridge, under the graeious and geniid presidency 
of E*EhE* the PnuJCE or WAi.ise, who, on neing to prophase 
tbe first toast, was received with such prolonged and hearty cheering 
—from a manly chorua of nearly two hundrtS voices— as evinced the 
thorough appreeiiitioD of hi^ preetinoe on this most exceptional occa- 
sion—this red-letter day in tbe history of the Club. Mr. Punch 
records the event with plea«$ure, and more espeeially aa there eeema 
to have grown up^ with the Club, an earnest and honest ambition to 
cultivato Dramatic Art for higher purposes than those of mere recrea* 
tion and tomporary amusement^ — an ambition which, if properly 
directed by experienced guides, is likely to produce such resnlta 
as will be highly benelicial to the artititio and social interests of the 
Enghah stage* Fhretd A* D* C* i Gentlemen— by all me am, but 
remember Ars JLonga^ and Fiia— at the University — breviA esL So 
let all past and present memburs who have the dignity of the drama 
at heart, work with a wHl, and ealute the Club with £sto Perpetua ! 


The Roman Dictator was appointed "JTe^uiVfreapufi^icdrfe^Kmenii 
The Russian Dictator is appointed " JV* quid Imperaior^^* 

Eesult op tite Pebjian PoLTC^FifiSLOT 
out)* — Quod Herat demonstrandum. 


■.— nWJnittorclocafMC; 

§$a»mp*d and dirtctmi inveloptt Oopiu cfcouM ^ h$pL 


March 13, 1880.] 



' TRAIN UP A WIFE/' fcc. 

MBNT f " 


{Vide Mr. N$%odegate*8 Speech of February 26-7 

To retain an Irish Seat* 

To oomply] with] a Standing 

To proTe your respect for the 

Forms of the House. 
To show regard for the Speaxeb. 

To demonstrate your regard for 

the Chair. . 
To support the Coiistitntion—a 


To proTO yon are not yet under 

To make the hest of a small num- 
ber (Irish). 

To show the perfectibility of the 

Irish character. 
To convince the world yon cannot 

be an Obstructionist. 

Be on your le^ fiye hundred 

times in a Session. 
Refuse to sit down. 

Never hesitate to address empty 

Always continue speaking until 

'jou are spoken to. 
Wnen sat . upon, ignore the 

Sit up all night, when possible, 

and prevent everybody else 

from going to bed. 
Never go home till morning. 

Keep constantly dividing. (N.B. 
The smaller the number the 
greater the result.) 

Be always making an Amend- 

Remind it that, as you sit always 
below the gangway, it is im- 
possible you should be stopping 


" A man and leader of men."— Tbnnysok. 
The\8phinx^oUloquxse9 : — 

' ' Leadeb of men I Mellifluous laureate 

Of blameless Kings and of ideal Knights, 

Piper of high-pitched patriot lays, dost ruess 

How 'tis by ear and nose, not hand and heart, 

Mankind is led ? Leading is easy work I 

To inspire or to enlighten earth's dull drones. 

Might tadE a new Prometheus : nay, to drive 

The mulish multitude is Titan's work, 

But leading P Bah I 'tis as the carrot-bunch 

Held in advance of donkey's outstretched nose 

By the adroiter urchin in a race. 

W iti^ words we manage men !— well-chosen words, 

Yague, but of sounding vastness, fit to fire 

Those ruling passions which, aroused, give rule 

To the deft piper who can plav on them. 

Have I not played,— ye gods, nave I not played 

The stops of Bull's whole gamut up and down, 

With firm though most fantastic fingering;? 

And,— there 's the humour on't !— to fine fixed tunes. 

Whose score, in my green youth,— which was rwl green— 

I set before his slow unseeing eyes. 

WiUi l^at frank daring whidi so dupes the fools, 

And so disarms the wise ! Commons and Peers. 

The Court, the Clubs, the Crowd, cold friends, not foes, 

The Swells, the Cits, the Blues, the Radicals. 

The country Squires, aye, all the stifE-necked lot. 

From CowEN stout to caustic Salisbubt, 

Stoop to my lure and follow in my wake ! 

By Tubal-Cain, there is no instrument 

On which sure touch and subtle mastery 

Can play to such strange issues as man's heart. 

Heart ? The word serves to cover a wild>um 

Of eager appetites, to tickle which 

Into esurience gives wit a tool 

Stronger than armies or exchequers crammed : 

'Tis smgle strength that sways unto its ends 

Multiform weakness— greed and vanity, 

The itch for domination, and the thirst 

For much noise-making in a noise-witched world ; 

The larger egoism of Isjid and race. 

Stretched but self-centred still, and smartly tricked 

In vesture of heroic virtue ; fear 

That hides with strutting port and swelling speech, 

And self -deceptive show of vigilance. 

Its inner baseness,- these be aominant chords 

To stir a passion in the multitude, 

And in a phrase that voices their dumb-will 

To point some plausibiUty of speech, 

Ana fire the mob with self-approving zeals I 

That is the way to work on the gross mass 

Of coarsely-fibred matter called Mankind. 

* We 've but to make men tkink^^ cries Gladstone. • Think ' I 
Sisyphus-Sophist, ply thy bootless task I 

The skulls that yield that brain-secretion scarce 

Will give thee back thy lost majority. 

Nose-cocked Macalluic-Mobe fills two fuU hours 

And columns six with serried cogencies — 

So the Scot deems them— 'gainst my policy* 

L witii an airy smile, a neat appeal 

To ' Rule Britannia ' sentiment, some quips. 

And one vague, sounding, well-considerea phrase— 

• The Oates of India '—deftly iterated, 
Pleasantly put him by, rout all his tropes, 
And phalanx close of fine- drawn arguments. 
As for the Mob. 'twill find my phrase, be sure, 
A handy cudgel to beat foes to silence. 

Long afiter the Macallum's volumes twain 
And columns six are banished to the limbo 
Of weapons obsolete, with old Brown Bess 
And Bbuce's battle-axe ! So men are led I " 


In sending Mr. Gbissell to Newgate the House of Commons have 
demonstrated that their displeasure is anything but nugatory. 
Quod erat demonstrandum. High time it should be. 

The One Affection in which the Ibish abe Deficient. — 
Pa(y)rental. " ^ O 




[M^CH 13, 18S0. 


A Candidate foe Oifiok— " Thk New Torhcock." 

Satxtbdat^ Feb, 28.— An extra ntting to dispose of 8ir Staffobd 
I«loBTBCOTB*8 Obitruction Beeolutions. 

Mr. Callan impugned the impartiality of the Chairman of Com- 
mittees, objection to the power of ^' naming names "—as difitingnished 
from that of oalhng them, to which he has no objection. 

Incidental passage of arms between Nolak , Callan, and O^DoK- 
KKLL. BiGOAB amicus curia. Sir Staffokd threw his shield oyer 
Mr. Raulbs, and Mr. Shaw poured oil on the waters—no^ oil of 

Mr. Callan tried to withdraw his Amendment, but Mr. Biggab 
wouldn't let him, and it was thrown out by 191 to 17. 

Mr.^ FnriGAK moyed to omit **or otherwise"; but this being 
negatiyed without a diyision, the Irish Irreoonoilables threw up 
the sponge, waiyed their Amendments, and after an attempt by 
Sir GxoEGX Campbell to leaye the right of yoting when the right of 
speaking had been taken away (which found 42 supporters against 
172 dissentients) ; a suggestion by Lord HABTiKGTOir, by way of 
strengthening the hands of the Chancellob of the Exchequeb, to 

suspend for a second instead of a third offence; the addition (on 
Mr. Fobsteb's motion) of a proyiso saying the House's ancient 
powers of procedure against its Members; final protests by Cap- 
tain NoLAir. Messrs. FnaoAK, and Biooab: and an unsuccess- 
ful moye by Mr. DiLLwnr to haye the Besolution passed as 
a Sessional, inst^ of a Standing. Order, the Resolutions were 
finally adopted— as originally framed— by seyen o'clock. A blessed 
wind up 01 the week's work. Henoeforth, ** What 's in a name P " 
will be a question with an answer. Had Pabvbll been present 
the rod had not been so easily tied, to hang up in terrorem oyer the 
bench of the Home-unruly ooys. Remains to be seen how fear or 
flagellation wiU operate in promoting the dispatch of business. Thus 
far all looks wdl. 

Monday (Zorcf^).— Relief of Irish Distress Bill read a Second 
Time, with a sensible speech by the Duke of Richmond, and 
comment, mostly pertinent, by Lords Lansdowite, DunBAyEir, 
MoHTEAGLE, Emlt, and others. f> 

Upper House discussions of Ireland's difficulties and their remedies ^ ^ 

Mabch 13, 1880.] 




FaeeUaus Drover. *' Bmr two or tbxem nick littls 'urs fob thx Vaxk, Squibb 1 1 " 
iTothe delight of liUU Binfa^ who vms taking a turn ihnmgh the Market.— (He travelled for Shortrul is Co, of Ifanehester/) 

are notiooable ia oontraBt with Lower House faotion-fights oyer 
the same {ground, for their ooolness, discretion, and oomprehensiTe- 
ness. It 18 eyidently a subject best discussed br the Olympians. 
The absence of ** friends of Ireland" of t)ie OlloirKXLL, Callajt, 
and BiGOAB kidney, is an incalculable blessing I 

(Commofu.)— Poking up of Lord Castlbbbagh's electioneering 
relationB with the Down Home -Rulers. His Lordship protests he 
never gaye pledges to abstain or be neutral on Home-Rule questions. 
Per eorOra^ Mr. Bigoab read letters from the deputation of the 
Ulster Home-Rulers* Association who dedare they took his ^omise 
of neutrality from his own liiw. 

Mr. Pbasb bore witness to Lord Castlbbbagh's straightforward- 
ness as an electioneering opponent. But Irish and English election 
atmospheres are so different. Lord Casilbbbagh miriit well be 
excused an extra pledge or two in the very stress of X^orth-Irish 
battle— when ** he was speakinsr to hundreds,^ as he yerr excusably 
pleads. The explanation ended in a wrangle, wound up by a yicious 
kick, in the shape of an allusion to the '^infamous Gastlbbbagh,'' 
from Mr. FnaGAJT, for which he ought to, but will certainly not, 
be ashamed of himself. 

Colonel Staitlbt brought on the Army Estimates in a dear, 
business-like statement, rending the report of Lord Aibbt's Com- 
mittee, our sjrstem remaina tn tiatu quo. Our force has been re- 
duced by 4,000 men; the year's recruits have been fewer, but so 
have its deserters. Improyements are claimed for our enlistment 
system, our medical arrangements, and militia training; and our 
force of reserye officers is increasing. Breach-loaders are to be 
introduced, and our old materials gradually utilised to arming our 

8ir W. Babttblot'8 oongratnlationB were interrupted by an un- 
•uooessfol attempt at a Count-Out from Mr. Fibigait, who is trying 
to fill Mr. Pabbbll's shoes in his absenoe. 8ir W. referred to the 
hostile passages at pen and wire between Br. Evssbll and Sir 
Gabhbt Wolsblbt. and said he hoped the Zululand military 
soandala in dispute between them would be thoroughly cleared up. 
So does Punch : not only for the good of the Seryioe, but for the 
credit of Captain Pen, a yeteran tried and trusted, and Captain 

Sword I whose ntyte thus far smacks of the more familiar, and more 
trenohant, weapun. 

Captain Nolax— fftian<t<m mutaiui ab iUo Intrannaente — contri- 
buted a ueef al speech on his spedalty, 'Bif Guns ; ana after a brief 
passage of compFiinentary rather than critical comment on the speech 
and ii» Btat«mt^nt9, in two hours more millions of Army Estimates 
than the chili an likes to think of were rattled through— the tottle 
of tbo whole being disposed of before midnight, a feat hardly 
paralleled in the reooUection of the oldest representatiye. 

Ur* O'Clert's Irish Volunteer Bill was rejected by 81 to 12 ; Mr. 
O^DoKN'ELL in a moment of rare candour admitting that if passed in 
the present Estate of Irish feeling and opinion it would be an unmiti- 
gated eurae to the oountry. Instead of giying '* the boys" rifles, if 
we could only t^e away their shillelaghs, and return, their 
blQnderbiwaea iato Btorel 

Tuuday {Urds),—N%l. 

{Cofnfmnt.) — i}msiBKLL^s oaso under consideration. After his 
Tietition (most ahjeot in apology, and humble in submission) had 
been read hj Ut, Walpolb, the Chabcbllob of the Exchbqubb 
!iu greeted the Tery mild punishment of a reprimand at the Bar. 

Mr. W, K. Foii^TBB seconded the proposal. 

Mr. E* B. I>g>^i8oir doubted if tms was adequate. Shall Wabb 
in ward be penned, Gbissbll go free, pocket nis reprimand, and 
lightlr laugh the CVjmmons' House to scorn P Perish tiie thought I 
The Hqub^ bo ekarly agreed with him— Mr. Etlabds being espe- 
ciu.UT emphatic in assertion of the Commons' dignity — that 
the Chancellor of the Exohbqttbb was fain to knock under; and 
Mr. Qmi^ell, halving been forthwith nabbed by the Semant-at- 
AnnBf wa^ committed to the Clock-Tower, to be brongnt up to- 
morroWf and take what the House may giye him. Be patient, 
Gfii^^ELL, aa he^ta thy name I Thy niffht spent in the Clock-Tower 
may he losg-, %hy days in Newfintte will be longer still I But why 
taU£ of patience, with patient Fbtbb Tatlob moying, for the nintn 
timOf in a Honsii of ^me-preseryers, the abolition of the Gbune- 
I.mws I 8\ippordng his conclusion on the same old facts and with 
the old array of reasons nine times urged, and not the stronger for 
repetition, he pooh-poohed, as idiotically insufficient, increase in 



[Maboh 13, 1880. 

strm^noy of the law of trespass, and more legialatiye msistanoe on 
the nfi;;ht of property in game. Total Abolition was the only remedy. 

Sir W. Baettelot moyed iJie inexpediency of stirring the subject 
just now. 

Earl Pebct deprecated a moyement that, by destroying country 
sports, would tend to encourage absenteeism, — 

** 'TIb game, not work, keeps landlords to their lands." 

Mr. Read, speaking for the farmers, claimed for' them'Ithe right 
of destroying ground-game, and thought justice might be done by 
reforming the Ghune Laws, without abolishing them. 

Mr. BsBBSFOBD Hope thought pheasant-farming as much entitled 
to protection as land or sheep-farming. 

Sir W. Harcoitbt chaffed the ** farmers^friends," and contrasted 
their speeches in and out of the House. 

Mr. RonwiLL de- _ 

clared the farmers^ if 
pollediWould be against 
the abolition of Ghune 
Laws, while urgent for 
their amendment. 

Sir M. W. Ridley 
considered Game Laws 
a discriminating law of 
trespass, remoyal of 
which would render 
necessary a more strin- 
gent and unpopular 
trespass-law. At the 
same time, he admitted 
—with a large-minded- 
ness that does him cre- 
dit—that the law WAS 
sometimes absurd, and 
ought open to re- 

Then there was a 
merry little game oyer 
Division. Sir W.Bakt- 
TELOT wanted to with- 
draw his Amendment, 
but after Patient 
Peteb's original Mo- 
tion was negatived by 
160 to 87 (e pur si 
muovet Ptetro mtb), 
Sir W. Haecoubt 
moved to omit the 
**not" from Sir W. 
Babttelot's assertion 
of inexpediency; and 
the Chanoellob of 
the ExcHEQUEB had 
rravely to call his larky 
Boys to order, and get 
Sir W. Habcoubt's 
sportive Motion nega- 
tived by 135 to 115 
before Sir W. Babt- 
felot's could be dis- 
posed of without^ a 

All this was stopping 
the way of Mr. Cbo88*s 
rery big bit of busi- 
ness, the London Water 
Bill. This is really a 

large metropolitan ^1/|/' aAj^'.. Ji ' 

measure, and if ihe ^Ay^tiK^';;:;^^^^ 
Session see it through, 
which, it will not, in all probability, it will not have been wasted— par- 
ticularly if it carry,n)esides, the Criminal Code a sttp nearer to con- 
lummation, which we fear, is too much to hope for. A Metropc^Ii tan 
Water Trust is to be created, to take over all the plants and powers of 
all the London Water Companies— their value to be commiited for 
something like Thirty Millions of Three-and-Hall ^er Cent- Stoiik, 
partly in present value, partly in deferred payments, in eon&i deration 
For future increment in value. This Water Trust i^ to Ij^ matia^ed 
by a paid Chairman and two Yice-Chairmen. the first to ha appjinl-ed 
by the Government, afterwards to be elected by tlu> mt^mbers of the 
Trust, who will be the Lord Mayor, the Chairman of the iletroprJitan 
Board of Works, two nominees each of the Local Government Board, 
the Board of Works, the City Commissioners of Sowers, and the 
Metropolitan Board, with twelve members elected by t he M ctropolitan 
Boroughs, and inhabitants north and south of the ThamtB not in- 
cluded in any borough. The objects of the Trust ari ■ t ^> >^^ t h^^ supply 

of water for houses, street cleansing, and fire extinction,''with provi- 
sion for constant supply at high pressure. The trust is to come into 
operation next October, and provision is to be made for 

the debt in eighty years ! 


thirty Millions is a big figurer— too big 

by a great deal. But t^s m a "great deal." Possession is nine points 
of the law, and the Water Companies are masters of the field. It'is 
a case of " Like it, or lump it," says Mr. Cboss. If we are to be 
masters of our own water supply, we must pay for it through the 
nose. The public is grumbling already, and, so far, does not seem 
to like it. Punch wishes Mr. Cboss well throughQthe task before 
him. He has proved himself a good man of business, and an efficient 
and diligent Home-Secretary thus far. But we fear this Bill is no 
go. And in this last Session, too, so generally foredoomed to Do- 
nothingness ! 

Wednesday.— k crowded ^^House, to do honour to Mr. Gbis- 

sbll's call to the Bar I 
Clutching the pole be- 
fore him, that lately 
audacious and defiant 
gentleman, nowas limp 
and flabby -looking a 

Siece of gristle as ever 
id discredit to his 
name— made the most 
ample (not to say ab- 
jecQ submission that 
could be put into words, 
and was ordered off in 
charge of the Sergeant- 
at-Arms; while the 
House unanimously 
aereed to the Motion 
of the Chavcxllob of 
the ExcHEQUEB, se- 
conded by Mr. I'obs- 
TEB^ consipiing this 
danng defamer and 
defier of the Commons 
to Her Majesty's Ghu>l 
of Newgate, on Mr. 
Speaj[eb:8 warrant, till 
such time as it please 
the House to release 
him. This done, the 
House emptied as fast 
as it had filled, leav- 
ing Mr. Magabtitet to 
explain to all but 
empty benches his Bill 
for shifting the pre- 
sumption in f ayour of 
Ulster Tenant Bight 
from landlord to te- 
nant which, for a won- 
der, was affreed to by 
all the Ifisn Members, 
and not opposed by the 
Government. When 
our Irish Mends do 
agree, their unanimity 
is wonderful. At least, 
Mr. Magabtnex is to 
be congratulated. 

Thursday (Lords). 
^Second Ileading of 
Lord Caibnb's Settled 
Estates Bill, under a 
cold -water douche 
from the Marquis of 
Bath, who doesn't see 
why owners as they ought to be should want to sell settLsd land; and 

gnnklings of warm encouragement from Sthe Marquis of Ripoir, 
>rd Cabivgtok , the Earl of Moblet, and other stirrinff youths, 
who feel the burden of tied-up land, and the blessing of ready money 
instead of unprofitable acres. 

(Commofw.)— After dashing through a slouffh of questions, the 
House ffot into Committee of Supply, and ran the votes oft the reel, 
till pulled up by Mr. O'Doitkell on the vote for the Irish Constabu- 
lary, against wnose services in support of law in the person of the 
process-server he protested. 

Naturally, as maintainers of order and authority, the Constabulary 
are odious to Mr. O'Donnsll and Mr. Bigoab. 

Mr. Shaw thought the speeches at recent anti-rent meetings 1^ 
been too great nonsense to justify the presenoe of a police force. He 
f orjgrets that the hearers as well as Uie speakers were exdted if not 
united Irishmen. --^ -j ^^ 


March 13, 1880.] 



Mr. Shaw's pooh-poohing^d pshaw-pBhawiiu: of Anti-rent oratory 
was yery painful to the 01)oKoeHTrB, who deolared it would cause 
deep displeasure in Irdand, which it -may.— in certain circles. 

Mr. OT)oimELL'8 opposition was bowled over by 172 to 30. 

Mr. Shaw is showing himself far too sensible for Euler of the 

Friday {Lords^.^Lord Emlt on Irish Distress, with complaints of 
neglect of dutv by some Irish Boards of Guardians. 

The Duke ot Richmoitd promised to look into it. 

{Common8.)^A squabble over the exclusion of reporters from 
executions in prisons. Mr. Bbiqht lost his temper witn Mr. Cboss. 
and all the big- wigs got drawn into the wrangle, and reprimanded 
each other. 

Mr. Cboss protests affainst sensational reporting of hanginffSc 
And so say all of us. Let provision be made for satisfying tne 
public that the last doom of the law has been dealt, whether by 
newspai>er report^ or otherwise, and let us have no pandering to the 
vile human appetite for horrors. 

Sir WiLFBiD moved his Local Option Besohition. 

The House, seeing in the Local Option Resolution a shoeing-hom 
for the Permissive Bill, after a discussion not unworthy of the 
seriousness of the subject, in which Lord HASTnraxoK, Messrs. 
Gladstone, Lsathaic, Bbight, Mttntz, Wheblhouse, Rodwbll, 
BxTLWEB. Clabse. and Cboss took part, negatived the Resolution by 
248 to 134. Much as Punch hates intemperance, he feels l^t the 
House has done wisely in deferring legislation on the subject. 


(From a Story of the FtOure, with Mr, Funch*s Complim&nis to 
Oinx's Bahy.) 

THE Mayor and Con- 
stable of Slocum- 
on-the - Ooze were 
flabbergasted. The orders 
had come direct from the 
Home-Office, and there 
was but one thing to do— 
to obey them. 

" Very well, your "Wor- 
ship," said the Constable. 
a#ec receiving' his final 
instructions, "you will 
hear by the shouts of the 
people— who ain't accus- 
tomed to this sort of thing, 
mind you—that I have 
done my duty." 

With this the PoliceBian 
departed, to be hurriedly 
called back by the Chief 
Magistrate of Blocum. 

*^Leave your staff here. 
Constable,'' his Worship 
ordered. " You might 
fall down, and hurt vour- 
self with it. You snould 
be the last to! infringe the 
provisions of this new 
and most grand-maternal 

The Guardian of the 
Peace grumblingly com- 
plied with his superior's 
request, and Anally made 
his exit. 
''Can't allow that I" 
he exclaimed, as he noticed a maid-servant cleaning the window of 
the second-floor back of the Police-Btation. " Pollt, oome down 
at once I You might tumble further than six feet I l^ow no im- 
perence— see clause six in the new Act I " 

Having seen the slavey safely released from her perilous position, 
the intelligent official oontinued his promenade. 

'' Now this M too bad I " he shouted, as he observed an urchin 
about to take a back over a youtii of oonsiderably greater stature 
than himself. " Stop^ you voung rascal I What do you mean by 
endangering your precious life— taking a jump like that P " 

•* We was only having a game at leap-frog I " whimpered the 
small boy. 

" Leap-frog I It 's misdemeanour I " And having, with yard- 
rule, measured the height of the human obstacle over whicn the 
delinquent was about to project himself, the constable conveyed both 
his culprits to the Station-Souse. 
" Come, that 's a good begbming, at any rate I " he murmured as 

he oontinued his walk. He had not gone far when he was stopped 
in front of a Gtinger-Beer Emporium, bv the appalling spectacle of a 
youthful customer attempting to swallow a pmt of Imperial Pop 
trom the bottie direct I " A performance with an explosive projec- 
tile I " he exclaimed. And Duyer and seller were botii quickly 
oonveyed to the lock-up. 

On resuming ;his official rounds, he suddenly found himself in a 
field where a number of young men were engaged in savagely 
knocking about a globe of leather. "Hallol What's all thisP^' 
he demanded, sternly. 

" Football,'' said one of the players, as he paused for a moment 
to rub a broken shin. '* We are only going to get a goal." 

'* You mean a gaol I " returned the ofocial with grim humour. 
And he returned to the cells with a fresh batch of prisoners. 

An hour later the Mayor and the Constable were once more to- 

?dther. The former was receiving the report of the latter. The 
oUceman had reached the last page of his list. 

** Anymore?" asked his Worship. 

'* Yes. There were the twenty-two oricketers. I thought I 'd 
better take up the umpires and scorers." 

"Quite ri^t," replied the Mayor: ''they were certainly aiders 
and abettors in a dangerous exhibition." 

" Then, your Worship, I found a young man rowing in a boat, 
and oa the water under him was at least ten feet deep, I ran him 
in, too*" 

** Qtiitfl right— he might have been drowned 1 Any one else ? " 

'* Yes, your Worship/some young chaps bird-nesting on the bough 
of a tree, three yards from the ground. And then there were a 
couple of dancing-girls on stilts. Then, there were some labourers 
going' i;p a ladder to the top of a house. After that, I called to a 
scientiHe gent in a balloon to come down— but he wouldn't." 

*^ We must telegraph to the next county at once and have him 
aiT«»Bted on his descent I" exclaimed the Mayor. "Shameful I 
ihameful I " 

' * And then I ordered the divers working in the river on the wreck 
of that 'ere lighter to oome out. And they have. They are drying 
themselves in front of the station-house fire. And I arrested a young 
girl who w&fl climbing a hill at a trot. And the back-yard is full 
of bicycles. And I have got a whole crew of sailors in the pound. I 
seized them as they were doing something or other to a lot of sails 
ever ao bi^Ii up on a mast of a ship in the harbour. And, please 
your Worship, that 's all." 

**I see— a grand total of two hundred and forty prisoners— eh, 
Constable P" 

'* Bight you are, your Worship ; and as we*hadn't accommodation 
for all of them, I have put half m the Town Hall, and what was over 
in the Vestry.'^ 

" Yersr inconvenient I But I suppose it can't be helped. And, 
now, while I go to explain matters to the Yicar, mind you keep 
your eves open for dangerous occupations and amusements." 

With this the officials senarated. 

" I hope Mr. Jbnkins wul be satisfied I " said the Mayor to him- 
self ; ana then he added more brightiy, '*one thing is certain, the 
new Act rendering it penal for anybody to do anything dangerous 
will give the authorities lots of work ! " 



Thb (Governor always says I'm to make fmy classics useful. 
Don't I P Look here. What but Obstruction was Yibgil thinking 
of when he wondered— 

<* Quid tantum Oceano properent so tingere Soles 
Hiberni, yel qiue tarms mora noctibiu obttet." 

AnffUee—*^ Why are the sons of Hibemia in such a hurry to show 
themselves at sea, or why all this obstruction in our late sittings P " 
And here, from Hoea^ob, is a crumb of oomfort for Channel pas- 

** Non si male nono. et olim 

^' If ill this passage, that 's no reason you should be sick next." 

Tutu semper, 

Aimcosus Ikfans. 


(Not the ''Zoektley EalP^ enee.) 

In the Spring the fierce North-Easter strikes a chill in many a breast : 

Thb Artipicial Peodi 

plaster I 



[MarcA 13, 1880. 


Prigahy (e&ntemplaHng his friend Maudh'a Uut Fidure). <<Thc HXiJ> OF Albzis 18 dibtihotlt siyins ! NoE oak /, IK THS whole 
RiKOB or Anoisnt, Mbdi^syal, or Modkbn Art, rboall AiirrHnra Qirmi 90 fair ahd prkcious ; unlrss it bv. piehaps, thk 

ERmKBS MEl" . 

Chorus of Fair Enthusiasts (who still belisve in Prigsby), " Off, TE8--TX8 !--0F 00VE8B 1--THR ILTS3U3 1 !— IN THE Eloin Maeblbb, 

TOUKNOW!!! ffOW TRUE / / / / '* 

Always ready to Learn, and deeply impressed by the BXTBNr of Prigsby's information, oue Gallant Friend the 
Colonel takes an early opportitnity of visiting the British Museum, in order to study the Head and Neck of 


It maj seem difficult to pick 
a hole in ih^ di^iiied, sen- 
sible, and Bplendidly short 
speeoh deliyered on the Army 
Bill by Count Von Moltke to 
the German Parliamelit. Bat 
haye we nbt a w^ point 
here : — 

**Hm the German Michabl 
erer drawn hU sword except to 
protect his skin." 

In inyadingr Denmark did 
the German Michael draw 
his'sword to -protect his own 
skia, or strip off his neigh- 
bour's? . • - 

Was not the Danish side 
dearly the side of Michael 
in that business, and the 
German as manifestly the 
other side ? Did 6ot victory 
attend the big battalions, and 
was not Michael the Van- 
quished P 

Neyertheless, on the whole, 
Count Moltke's speech beats 
anything that has eyer been 
heard in the Parliament of 


TffE SuARPFCT OF SffAE? PfilCTlCE.— That of the Oiford and Cambridge 
Crews for the University Boat-Raoe, 

the United Kingdom since the 
Duke of Wellington. What 
a blessing it would be if 
er"!'T' Member would imitate 
tht^ ^r*,.ii Llerman stratenst in 
br e V i tF< T hen we should haye 
a HauBe of Commons of whioh 
it would not be true to say 
tbiLt all the prineipal speeoh- 
makors are more or leas 

Oar SepresentatiTe. 

A KINDLY and learned Critic 
was trying to account for the 
failure of a oertain Comedy. 
" It was a matter of oi>inion," 
he said. " Some liked it, some 
didn't. Laudatur ah his " 

•* Ah," interrupted Our 
Representatiye, ''then that 
hiss must haye been horribly 

The Bubjeot droi^ted. 

Thoeoijohlt Practical.— 
The real eleyationof the Drama 
at the Haymarket :^Putting 
the Pit into the Gallery. ^.- 







Dinitizftri hv 


Digitized by 


Maboh 13, 1880.] 




(by two PB&80NS OP QX7AHTT.) 

First Person of QuaUtt^. 
YoTJB Grace, we have important inf ormatioii— 

Sing: hey, the silly Liberal that you are I — 
About a certain intimate relation 
Between tiie artful Afghan and the Czab. 
Sing hey, the artful Afghan, 
The crafty, treacherous Afghan, 
The sneaking, dangerous Afghan and the Gzas I 

Second Person of QuaUiy. 
My Lord, in your romantic vein you're speakings 

Sing hey, the wily Hebrew that you are I— 
We don't belieye there 's any kind of sneaking 
Between the yirtuous Afghan and the Czab. 
Sing hey, the yirtuous Afghan, 
The well-intentioned Afghan, 
The harmless, truthful Af ghui and the Czab I 

First Person of Quality, 
Tour Ghrace has not a spark of patriot feeling — 

Sing hey, the factious Radical you are I — 
Or you 'd Imow we cannot letters be reyealing, 
That touch a friendly Potentate, the Czab. 
(Con expressions,) 
Sing hey. the friendly Monarch, 
The much-respected Monarch, 
Oar best of foreign relatives, the Czab I 

Second Person of Quality (confuria). 
My Lord, we give you fair and timely warning- 
Sing hey, the Tory criminal you are I— 
We 'IT talk to the Electors, one fine morning, 
About the ill-used Afghan and the Czab. 
About the ill-usdd Afghan, 
The much maUgndd Afghan, 
The loyal faithful Afghan and the Czab I 


"NiysB ffiye your reasons," was a wise diplomatist's adyioe. 
The Dean of WssnansTKB would have done well to bear this in 
mind before he gave his reasons for declining to grant the prayer of 
Mr. Fobdhak's petition against the erection in the Abbey of the 
monument to the Pbincb Ihpsbial. 

It is the first lime we have seen Bean Siavlbt figuring in a mess 
—a military mess, too, and the figure he cuts is not edifying, partl- 
onlarly when taoUing that standinig dish in most messes, humble pie. 

Of tiiis we have not often seen a larger helping than that seired 
to the Dean by the niece of Thomas Cabltub, who has informed 

the Dean ^^-"-^ ^^ "^ '• ' ' •* • 

nature t 

fastened as a forgery. He maj m^j uyuu xi.. uui. uiuv uuu, xuumab 
Cabltlb's signature was genuine^ but that the five thQirflM^iid names 
which accompanied it, and which he injudldouBly attempted to dis- 
oredit, represent the common sense and right Englisn feeling of theyast 
majority of those whom the Dean is accustomed to respect, and who 
are accustomed to respect the Dean. It is never too late to mend— a 

mistake. Till we see the Prince Imperial's statue in our National 
Yalhalla, we will not believe that Dean Stauxbt is not intelligent 
enough to see that he has misread public f eeUng, and oourageeus 
enough to own it. 


To-day*s haul, 

*< Companies which haye only pecuniary gain for their object, may continue 
to proyide a commodity so poUutM by organic matter as to be unfit for drink- 
ing or cooking."— TMn«. 

Is that the Analytical Chemist in the cistern ? 

Why does this coffee taste of gasworks P 

Ah r Here comes the Doctor with the antidotes ! 

I would prefer the soup without the Bacteria. 

Why does the Water Company evade the provisions of the 
Poisonous Drugs Act P 

I am afraid the Teetotaller will not get through the ni^ht. 

It is extremely expensive to feed the pig on ApoUinarts. 

I never saw the gold-fish look so ilL 

This paper is a sunmions for the water-rate. 

The symptoms you describe are of a distinctively typhoid cha- 

You may show in the Coroner. 

*<But the Water Trust will fail signally to realise expectations if it does 
not make a great change for the beU^r. The ratepayers will demand at its 
hands pure water for household purpoees, and a supply abundant enough for 
all the exigences of the largest city m the world"— I\mss, 

This is the best cascade on the terrace. 

I have sent the whole of the champagne to the Lunatic Asylum. 
Is that the Soda- Water Manufacturer in the Bankruptcy Court P 
Why does the filter-maker jump off Waterloo Bridge P 
I never saw the Teetotaller in better condition. 
The Duke's Wedding-breakfast must have been a great success— 
with such a pump I 
It is quite pleasant to see the death-rate steady at 13*04 per 1000. 
What do you say to seven warm baths a week? 
Ah I here is the good old Water- Rate Collector. Heaven bless him I 


Sib,— I am informed that Dr. Richabdsoit is still at a loss 
in what way to utilise the invaluable collection of old wines 
left in his trust, for scientific purposes^ by the late Sir Walteb 
Tbsvbltav. Sorely, there need be no dimonlty in finding men of 
science able and willing to make the necessary experiments to solve 
all the really interesting questions on whion light is Ukely to be 
thrown from the Wallington cellar. Should the fiduciary of this 
embarrassiDg trust be r^uly as anxious to discharge it as he is re- 
ported to be, he may readily hear of gentlemen willing to make all 
needful sacrifices to ndp him. In our University Clubs and Cathedral 
doses, our Rectories and our Common Rooms, such devoted votaries 
of sdence still abound. They should be sought out, and, under proper 
scientific supervision, should be invited to undertake the experi- 
mental testing of, say, a dozen or so apiece of these curious old 
alcoholic and vinous oomponnds. Dr. RiCHABi>80ir would then be in 
a position, by comparison and careful diagnosis of the different testinj: 
processes and their results, to judge of the effects of the alcohohc 
poison in these interesting examples* Pending this practical test, 
many of our doth still ding to the antiquated notion, that it is in 
the abuse rather than in the use of wine that the alcoholic poison- 
germs are to be sought. j remain, Sir, yours obedienay, 

A CouirrBT Reciob 
(Old, high, and dry), 

P.S.— I feel bound to prove the sincerity of my self-devotion by 
volunteerinff to begin myself on a dozen of the oldest Trevelyan 
pNDrt ; and therefore endose my card for Dr. Richabdsoit's informa- 
tion—" Rev. Babdolph Bibbeb, Soakum-in-the-Clay, Dampshire." 

A Kunexy Bhyme for the Time. 

Bcmn— A Foundry. Stacks of Scrap Iron in background. The Cylinders 
and Girders for a great Vutduet arc being taken from their moulds, to 
have ** lags *'* burnt on. Enter Sxashsb & Crashbb, Contractors, 
They sing, 

AiB-"P«< a Oaks, Pai a Cake, Baker's Man!*' 
PiTTTT crack, putty crack. Moulder's man, 
Paint on the bolt-heads as neat as you can ; z^^*^ ^-^ ^-^ ^^ 
Bum on a " lug" or two, mark it with " PaJliljOOQ 
And so build a oridge cheap that 's bound to give way. ^ 

Farmsbb could Lite thxk. . 

Value of Produce .—-Oats, 17'. 6d. per qr. ; Barley, 285. 6d. per qr. ; 
Wheat, 185. 6i. per bag ; Cheese, 425. 6d. per cwt. 

Fabmxbb oak't Lm now. 

Value oj Produoe :— Oats, 265. per qr. ; Barley, 45f. per qr. ; Wheat, 
245. per bag ; Cheese, 805. per cwt. 


Iir Paris M. Brisson has been making a model speech on re-eleotion 
as Preeident of the Budget Committee. He had some delectable 
bonbons to offer to the French Chambcor and the French Nation. 

Listen, Mr. John Bull I 

Taxes to the amount of 110,000,000 francs remitted dnring the 
last f oar years. 

Surpluses, neyertheless, accruing to the tune of 245.000,000 francs. 

Liberal portions of these surpluses devoted to such homely, useful, 
and pacific purposes as country roads, school buildings, postal and 
telegraphic reforms. 

110,000,000 francs still to be appropriated. Fortunate France I 

There was a time when, on this side of the Channel, similar agree- 
able statements could be published, year after year, by an English 
Finance Minister to the English ParluimeDt and people. 

When will such a happy time return? Not, we suspect, this 

It is Lent, so perhaps this comparison between England and 
France, though mortifying, may not be unseasonable, nor, let us 
hope, unprofitable. The longestyour maigre must haye an end. 

" Right you are, Bill I " — or, we should say, Dr. William 
HowABB Rttssbll, whcu you say in your piice Justificative of 
Monday, March 1 :— 

** I do not believe he (Sir Gabnst) really supposes that soldiers who com- 
mit offences, and find they cannot be floggea, come up to report their offences 
to the Cifil Powers, and to insist on being put in prison.** 

When the British soldier degrades himself to the leyel of a 
cowardly garrotter and a wife-beater, he should be treated by 
military authority as one of Q,ueen Bbss*8 own recalcitrant 
BishoM would haye been treated by that excellent woman, ** un- 
frocked"— or to apply it in a military sense, **uu-uniformed"— 

and then deliyered oyer to the tender merdes of the Cat. Flogging 
is abolished, as the rule, in the Army, but it should be reatorea 
for exceptional cases, or the soldiers who haye subjected hapless 
dyilians, male and female, to gross brutality, should be drummed- 
out and at once deliyered oyer to the ciyil power for a doee of the 
Cat-'o-nine-tails— potfr encourager les autres. 

Bad men bring discredit on any systenou ciyU or religious, to which 
they may belong ; but that system should haye it in its power to 
bring them out and deal with them summarily and— sumeiently. 
The Daily Telegraph, of course, backs its own Bill ; and so the 
gallant General maybe considered as still labouring under an attack 
of"i). r." 


Wx often hear Materfamilias complaining that good seryants are 
not to be had. No wonder desperate Mammas in quest of a treasure 
in the nursery haye grown so humble that they are glad to come 
down eren to the Upper Ten I Here is a case of abject humility from 
the adyertising columns of the D. 2*. ; — 

WANTED, in a Gentleman's Family, a Snperior Person as UPPER- 
NURSE. Must be a good Needlewoman, able to cut oat and make 
children's clothes. A Lady not objected to, providing she does not oljeet to 
carry an Jn/an^.— Address, &c. 

Poor Lady I— the adyertiser^ we mean— not the " Superior Person." 

And here is another case (picked out of the same widdy-spread 

channel for wants), in which the poor adyertiser is actually reduced 

to seek a Nursemaid among the yery abject class in which goyer- 

nesses are usually looked for ! 

NURSEMAID WANTED, about 18, for Two Children, six-and-a-half 
and four. Thoroughly domesdoated, useM at her needle, and to teaoh 
piano. — ^Address Street, Grotrenor Square. 

Can anything show real distress more, strikingly than this I Close 
to Grosyenor Square, too ! - -pized by ^- 

March 13, 1880.] 





{Apropos of Mr, Crosses WaUr Bill.) 

Hbbe Reposes 



Of ConseTTatiye Taster, 


BBED upon BEEB, 

Endeavonrea to support its 


by an api)eal to 

Bkitish Spibit 

Ikpbbial Mrasubes, 


in its Seventh Year 

took to 




''Caput Apii defero, 
Beddens Laudes Domino I" 

The St. Gothard Tunnel is oom- 
pleted I Let the bore of Mont Cenis 
hide its diminished hole ! The bore 
of St Gothard is admitted to be the 
big[ge8t bore in the world, and it 
unites several great countries ! The 
Alps could not resist it. Only let 
your bore be;bi{c enough, and what 
can stand against its penetrative 
power? . Yes, the St. GoQiard Tun- 
nel is the jipex Aprorum—the Bore's 
Head par excellence— the crown and 
climax of that most widely extended 
and most formidable of zoological 
genera, the genus Aper ! 

"Weather Authorities prophesy that 

the coming Spring will be mild, uid not 
characterised by the periodic gales we are 
at present experiencing." 

Ahebicait pai>ers, please copy. 


^Bus Driver (to Regidar Rider). " You 'sab them 'ebb Fobbinbbs on the Kkifeboabd, Sib ? 



The great European chain of mountains, of whose links one of the 
largest is Mount St. Gothard, becomes, during a thunderstorm, 
aocording to Lord Bybon, endowed with the power of speech. 
Teste poetd : — 

" Far along. 
From peak to peak, the rattling crags among, 
Leapt the live thunder I Not from one lone cloud. 
But erery mountain now hath found a tongue, 
And Jura answers, through her misty shroud, 
Back to the joyous Alps, who call to her idoud ! '* 

What the Alps on this occasion told Jura, and what was the 
reply made by Jura to the Alps, the witness to this conversation 
between them has left unrecorded. However, if, as he tells us. the 
Alps can talk, we may be quite sure that some of them must have 
had something to say on the opening last week of the St. Gothard 
Tnnnel ; that being the seoond eye which engineering skill has 
drilled through an Alpine atgttiUe, This second triumph of human 
ingenuity and enterprise over the natural forces of refractory rooks 
was more than enough to make the Alps crv out. Of course, with 
one accord, they* exdaimed, ''Bored again! But what of that, 
when the thoroughfare, so enormous a bore to us, is an advantage 
of proportional magnitude to Europe and the world? Huzza for 
the tunnel of Mont St. Gothard I Huzza for the tunnel of Mont 
Cenis ! " 

The giant mountains then gave three cheers for Mont St. Gothard 
and three for Mont Cenis, with one cheer more; in which Mont Cenis 
and Mont St. Gothard heartily joined. 

Sobs poh the Czab.— Utere Lorts, 


ToxTCHiNa the extradition of a certain fugitive, demanded by the 
Russian Government on the charge of having fired the mine intended 
to blow up the Czab on the Moscow Railway, that mat modem 
" Master of the Sentences," Yictob Hugo, has published an appeal 
to the Government of France in the following compendium of concise 
propositions : — 

** Toa are an honest Government You cannot give up this man. Tou 
cannot ; the law is between you and liim. And above the law there is riffht. 
Despotism and Nihilism are two monstrous aspects of the same fact, which is 
a politioal fact Extradition laws stand still before political facts. Those 
laws all nations observe ; France will observe them. You will not give up 
this man." 

To this obtestation the authorities invoked might with more force 
repl^ — "Yes, we are an honest Government. We cannot refuse 
to give up this man. The law is behind us, not before ^iim. 
Above the law there is justice. Murder and treason may be two 
distinct aspects, political and social, of the same crime. The pditical 
crime does not cancel the social. Extradition laws take cognizance 
of social crimes. Those laws all nations ought to respect. France 
will respect them. We certainlv shall surrender this runaway, on 
sufficient primd facie evidence of .his criminality.*' 

<<Sic Itur ad Astra." 

The two following paragraphs may be read in the same number 
of the Guardian : — 

'*8t. Petersburg. — Clergymen of 
foreign faiths have received threaten- 
ing notices, warning them that their 
churches will be blown up." 

" Wanted, an AasiBtant-Chaplain 
for St. Petersburg. Apply to, &c.", 




[Mjlboh is, 1880. 



Oaptaim, of Clyde Steamer {to Stoker, as they siglUed their Port). ** Slaok AWSB, 
DONAL^ 8LA0K AWSB " — (he tocu interested in the Liquors sold) — " thst 'rb 



Joins. Jinffo-smitten, leayes the anoient ranks. 
And straigntway pronen Pharisaio thanks 
That he^BBJk Englishman, whde-soul'd and hearty, 
And not, like some old friends, the Slaye of Party. 
Well, JovBS, a man hy conscience driven to part 
From lonff-loved ranks, wiU feel some pangs of heart, 
Nor, ass-Bke, lift his heels against old masters, 
Or bray forth triumph a^his friends' disasters. 
Yon pose as patriot-martyr, my good Jokes I 
A patriot YOioe is tested by its tones, 
As trees hj fmits ; yonr tones are sonr. thrasonic. 
And spioed with spite, inyeotiYe's finest tonic. 
Ton loye the old cause yet F Well, truth to tell. 
That passion tou dissemble passing welL 
Urgent indeed must be the inward priddnj? 
Of love that takes so much delight m kicking ! 
A soldier who from the old ranks falls out 
Will scarcely at his cc^nrade's blunders shout; 
A rat, who leayes a ship that's sprung a-leak. 
May, when he thinks her sinking, raise a squeak 
Of selfish rat-rejoicing. Comes the question— 
Ah, Jingo- Jones, pray pardon the suggestion !^ 
If kicking anoient friends and old foes patting 
Can lend a patriotic grace to— Batting l 


We hear that the divine Sabah has obtained per- 
mission from the Worshipful Compauv of Salters to plaoe 
their Motto over the door of her Exhibition in May 
next— **<S^a/ sa^t omnia,*^ Anglice — *' Sabah brings 
taste to ererything." 


Thebe is one line in Wobdswobth's poem. The 
Tables Turned, which the Poet would never have 
written could he have foreseen tiie constant growth of 
the South Kensington Museum— 

«< Enough of Science and of Art" 

The New Deak.— The Pbimb Mutisteb has made an 
excellent '* use" of Sarum— ^000 those members of the 
High Church party who feel Kyled at the appointment. 


Hebe, from the oolumns of the Field, a more appropriate channel 
than the Ouardian, the Record, or any of the more exclusive clerical 
organs, is what may be fairly called a '* sporting offer " for a curate, 
which ought to attract a rush of applicants. We haye seldom seen 
the recommendations of a curacy to a young man of high tendencies, 
ecclesiastical and soeiaL more temptingly and tellingly piled up 
than they are in this model adyertisement:— 

WANTED, a Gen tleman, an earnest-minded Churchman of expe- 
rience, as CURATE for the Parish Church of , Cheshire. Dady 

matins, weekly celebration, eastward position; salubrioas climate, pret^ 
neighbonrbood, good society. Last three Curates left for preferment within 

the past two years. Liberal stipend offered.— Address <* The Bector," , 


Well may the site of this curate's paradise be Cheshire. Sudh a 
berth is indeed, in eyery sense, " the cheese.". 


Mb. txmcK, 'Oner'd Sir,— As a stamch Conseryatiye, pleeze alow 
me for a moment to Call your Attention to the mistake of a word 
some of the Horrans of the Conseryatiye Press is in the Abit of 
aplyin to the PoUytics of them Adwanced libberals as goes in for 
iMoninterwention with Foring Af ares and Peece at enny Price. 
They calls em that name in the Senoe of a opperoberous Ixpression, 
whereas it trewly sinniiies the werry Ighest possibel Bispectability. 
Meanin to stigmatize and not recommend the Yews and Conduct of 
them Unengush and Un^teriotic indiwidgials tiiiey 're continially 
a callin of 'en "Porocmal." Sir, in the hinterest of the British 
Dixonary I beseach you to remonsterate with them there well meanin 
but dre^md Uiterit bcrybes agin the orrible perwersion and Miss Use 
they ignerantly makes of api^ of Speach onderstood by heyery rite- 
minded Party, as the most unportant eppythet of Aprobation in tiie 
Hole of the Abuy YoUume. Not to ide my ed under the coyerlead 

of an enonymous Co-Beepondent, I remane, Onnerd Sir, yure eyer 
f aithfull, dutyfull, and obegent tJmble Seryent, boath poroohially 
andpussonally, Bumbm. 

P.S.— I allways oonsiderd "Porochial" and "Conseryatiye" as 
I 'ye card a SooUard call 'em Couwertible Turms. But peraps our 
Fronds meens it for Sattire. 

Wanted a Phoenix, 

This appears in the D. T, .— 

REQUIRED, a LA.DY IN WAITING, of pleasing manners, appear- 
anoe, and address, for an invalid gentleman. She must be strong. 
actlTe, rawer tall, a good walker, amiable, and accomplished, music and 
sinring. One accustomed to rise early. A greed for salary not desirable. — 
Address, &c. ■ 

Pleasing manners, appearance^ and address, strength, aoti^ty, a 
good height, a giuoeful walk, amiability, accomplishments, music and 
singing, the habit of early rising, a soul aboye money I— the Gentle- 
man wno requires all this is not easUy satisfied. But surely if there, 
be* such a paragon, she can hardly be ** in waiting for an inyalid 
G^Ueman I" Sne must haye been snapped up by a healthy Gentle- 
man as a wife of ten thousand long ago. 


(At deduced from Sir Wil/ritTs Meeting at Cambridge.) 

LKAymo the Guildhall, or haying one's head punched by irate 
Publicans and rowdy Gownsmen. 


The House of Commons has taught Mr. Gbissell that it is not to 
be trifled witii. May the anti-obstructiye Besolution of the House 
tcAch Obstructiye Irish Gentlemen the same lesson. 

*ToOoKamfQnwnM,^JUMdUordM$nMhMkinut(/b&undtemanewUi0,r^^ hi me earn em ttm he rt h mte i wnliw ue c e m^ m i i i hg a 

ekmpidrnnddimcUieimlepe, oopiettlmiidbthtfL 

Maboh 20, 1880.] 




[The Oxford and Cambridge Boat-Bace will be rowed at 7.60 a.m. thia year \] 

AT, tat, tat. tat I Was that a rat, or 
sometnin' in the skirtiii' there P 
Or beastly mouse all oyer house! 
A cat I must be settin' up. 
P'waps was a dweam. There <dii't a 
gleam of light comes through the 
curtain there. 
Aw— m*m, oh yaw!— confounded 
baw !— it can't be time for get- 
tin' up I 

Tat, tap, tap! EhP What's that 
you say r It 's six o'dook. Well, 
what 0* that? 
Six] 'clock— aw right! Jus' so. 
Goo'nig^tl It^s time you were 
Roostin' early makes hair curly. Fine 
old crusted motto that ! 
What d'ye ^F It's Boat-Raoe 
Day r lou ain't quite right 
in head, I think ! 

Bang, bang, ^ bang, bang! Again? 
Oh hang I Just when a fellah's 
snoozin' oft I 

Thiswtoobadl No sleep I *ve had— eh ? What the doose the matter now P 
Down tiie Riyer P Makes one shiyer just to think of cruisin' off 
8o late at night. You must be tight, or mad as any hatter nowl 

Drum, drum! Oh lor! Tou'li smash that door! You seem to mean your 

knocks for 't, man I , . ,. . ,, , , 

WbatP Early purls and jolly girls? Oh yaas, an' nice disheyelled beaux. 

Gurr ! You may shout. I toonH turn out, for Cambridge or for Oxford man 1 

Don' care a rap I Goo' night, ol' chap I CJome to breakfas'— devilled bo— 

ILeft itwring. 

Hnrrs fob a hew akd obigival dbamatic coilsoe. 

Chapteb X. 

Headt of Lecture :-'Introductim'-Poinir—fomt9'-SuppoHng—PreB9^CrUice 
-^Public ^ JEetabUehed Favourite ^ Fatal Frror^ Authors ^Flare-up- 
Advice — Trick — Careleesnees — Fat — Iteal Turtle — Edmund Kean — 
Important — Bune — English language — Decoration — Expense — Behind — 
Before — Time up— Farewell Announcement, 

Peof£S8ob DAym Jakes may be expected to address his class thus :— 

OeDiU all— I mean Gentlemen— I come before you as your own partic 

I should say your own Professor, to lecture on certain particular subjects. 
It 's just tms, you see. I 'm free and out-spoken, I am ; there ain't n<me of 
the flowery about me. I mean. Gents— that is. Gentlemen— that what I haye 
to say wiU be right straight to the point— regular rumbo, and no mistake. 
"Rumbo." Gentlemen, is a technical term, implyin* "correct card," "all 
right," "no deception, no spring, or false bottom," "no kid about it," and 
so forth. (" Hear ! hear ! 'O I said, Gents— I mean Gentlemen— that I was 
oomin' straight to the point. "Point" will be my first subject in this 
lecture. Moit Actors thmk they ought to study points just like a chap on 
a railway line. Don't make any bloomin' error, there ain't a bigger mistake 
made by a " Pro," — I mean a Professional, — than this yery identical one about 
"points." Take this bit of adyice, not as from a Professor sort o' chap, but 
from your own particular pal— I mean quite in a friendly way. (Applause,) 

Supposin', Gentlemen, as any one of you was already in the profession, and 
had made your mark in one part ; supposing that thereupon the Press— good 
fellows, pernaps. but not to be kootoo'd to on any aooount— supposing that the 
Press has praised you up to the flies— as they wili do if they once make up their 
minds to it. bless you— supposing that they declare there neyer was such a 
genius, such an Artist— as you,— and all on account o' this one performance 
o' this one part— then mind you take the ffveatest care in future to avoid every 
part resembling the one in which you *ve oeen so successful, {Applause. The 
Lecturer resumes, toith a confidential wink at the audience,) Don't you ^ 
haying any " companion pioturs " to it done for you. (Shakes his head wtth 
an air of disgust.) Itdon^tdo. I tell 'ee it don't do. (Cheers,) 

When you haye got a new part which is in eyery req>ect dinerent from the 
old 'un, don't you make the ratal error of gettin' the Author to write it up 
by introdncin' the very " J(u:k Simmily,^^ as the gal said, of the points where 
you've made your hits in the first piece. (Applause,) You Imow what I 
mean— if you 'ye made one great success with a bunt of passion, a big speech, 
and a regalar dash out of an exitr— fiare-up no end, in fact— don'^ you insist on 
having that same sort o' btisiness written in for you in every other piece^ but 
{forcibly) you have it cut out if it 's in : and if you 'ye thrilled an audience 
with a bust of sentiment— I don't mean the uppeiarf of a statue when I say 
"bnst," but a genuine gushing-out, broken-yoice, staggering, knock-me-down, 
utterly heart-broken business— and drawn tears mm tiSeir eyes, then d<m't you 

yoL. ixxym* m 

go repeatin' this in every piece you ever play after- 
wards. ( Winks conftdenttaUy ana emphatically.) Just 
take it horn me, as a pal. (Cheat applause.) It don't 
want the Wizard of the North to tell you that you can 
do the cleverest trick in the world just once too often, 
and that very few tricks bear repeating to the same 
audience. And. don't make any mistake, it is the same 
audience that '11 come to see your second piece, on the 
strengtii of your success in the first. (Applause,) 

What does this study of points lead the favourite 
Artist top Why, to carelessness and idleness. No 
larks,— I mean it. He is spoilt by popularity. When 
the ]Mpular favourite ^ts a part, ;wnat does he do with 
it P Why, he looks at it to see where his bits of fat are I 
(Laughter,) He is at it like a City man with a basin of 
turtle-soup, and goes for the green fat. (Laughter,) 
The green fat is the spoilt favourite's points. Between 
these points he does nothing, and leaves the character to 
take care of itself, (Cheers!) 0* course the Press and the 
public still praise nim, 'cos they only catch the points, 
and probably they come down heavy on the poor devil 
of an Author for not havin' given vou enough to do- 
though, of course, this wouldn't be of no manner o' con- 
sequence to an Actor who sajs to himself. "If I ain't got 
my usual ^Jcements in thts piece, Til nave 'em in the 
next, and pick it up that way.^' 

Now that's the sort o' thing I wouldn't allow, and 
wish to guard y;ou against. That spoiled favourite 
Actor ain't an Artist— not he— he 's not in it ; he 's only 
a performin' dog — doosid clever performer, maybe — 
who 's leamt a lot 'o tricks, and don't get his grub till 
he 's done 'em. (Oreat and enthusiastic applause.) 

Now, for goodness sake, don't any oi you G^ts- I 
mean Gentlemen, drop into this error. If you do. 
then^ bless you, after a time you won't be in it You 'U 
be httle Jack in the cart— (iati^A^)— and left there. 
The ffreat Eninnn) Eean— I mean the Actor that we 've 
heam spoken of as the great Emnnn) KsAir- 1 've read 
of him that he tried the sentimental trick onoe too 
often. One night the pubHc, who wouldn't be taken 
in any more, nissed him, — actually hissed him, — and 
as he came off at the wing he said to a pal— a friend 
standing by. " D-mme, Jaci:, they 've found me out 
at last!" That's a pretty strong order. Gents— eh P 
(Applause,) You woirt hear anywhere better advice 
thui you 've had from me this morning, don't make 
any error, 


(*'mar, , 

thirty nights at most, if I had a theatre of my own, 
whicn I should call the Bt. David James's. One down, 
t 'other come on, is my motto. A reg'lar merry-go- 
round o' variety* An Actor wants a chuige of dramatic 
diet to keep him fresh, and in good form. (Applause.) 
You can't l^ too careful in speakin' on the stage, which 
should be llie best school of mstruotion for students of 
the English lingo,— real straight-for'ard Saxon and no 
parley-vooing. (Applause,) That 's me, George! 
(Chreat applause.) 

In your professional career. Gentlemen, let your 
motto DC * * give and take." Play fair. A true dramatio 
artist, bless you, he'll be more pleased to assist, by 
close study and careful performance, the general excel- 
lence, and contribute his little quantum to the harmony 
of tiie evening— I mean, of the entire picture, than he 
will be by luiving his character painted out in glaring 
colours, wnich '11 catch the eye and be good enough for 
the exhibition of his own personal and peculiar talents, 
but which '11 be quite out of the picture, and be a 
regular knock-on-the-head for everyoody else engaged 
all round; or, to quote the words of a drunatic hi^ art 
cove. "It will be utterly destructive of what was 
origmally a well-considered combination." (Prolonged 
ana enthusieutic apf>lause,) Gents all, I 've eome to the 
end of the chief subjects of this morning's Lecture, but. 
before retiring gracefully from the scene, I dioula just 
like to say a word on stage decoration and the front of 
the house. 

On the stage spare no expense, either for salaries, or 
for furniture, or scenes, or properties. Go it, emphatic- 
ally go it. Be lavish rather than penurious. Spare the 
property, spcnl the scene. Nowadays, in a Comedy 
theatre, it 's the fashion to do away with the fiddles in 
front. That 's all very well in its way, but that the 
fiddlers are invisible anouldn't be an excuse for your 



[March 20, 1880. 


"Oh— A— Jambs I You can take the Doo out fob a Walb." 
" If tou FLBA8B, Ha'ak, thb Doo won*t Follow mb I '* 
''TflBK TOU must Follow thb Doo, Jambs 1" 

er, an SnignuUical Career* 

He took 

"A Leap in the Bark" 



18 now 

Earl of Bbaooksfield 


Of the Conserrative Party, 

and as a 

*' Man of li^ht and Leading," 

confident in his power 

to keep his following in the dark, 

looks forward to 



Betard the Deoomposition of the 


Beviye the Tigonr of the Constitution, 

The reattainment of his own Majority ! 

Wood and Water. 

So the stocks of the Water Companies, 
in oonsequenoe of the breakdown o$ their 
intended purchase by Goyemment, ha^e 
fallen as fast and far as they rose. Stocks 
thevmay wdl be called— for the Companies 
ana the Cabinet both haye put their feet 
into *em. 

Sweet Oirl Oraduates. 
{See Marian Aldie'a Bttiliot^.l 

Ok Cambridge honours, s6 fay some. 

The ladieft soon will seize ; 
When " students unattached" beoome 

** Our girls," and take degrees. 

But when in ooUege larks and lore. 
With men these maids are iaa£ohed, 

I fear though '* unattached" before. 
They *11 soon beoome attached I 

The LATEST Chemical Reactiok.— The 
Britinh GK>yemment, insoluble in Alcohol 
(Ci He 0), soluble in water (Hs 0), with a 
slight tendency to precipitation. 

haying a smaller number and an inferior lot, to make the audience as 
melancholy as a cur dog howling at a barrel-organ. Better put 
your musicianers in front a^n, in eyening tog8,^hite chokers all 
complete, and no kid about it — I mean, no gloyes necessary, except 
for the Conductor, — than haye a tinpot affair that wouldn't earn 
their liyelihood at a second-rate watering-place. Eyery little 
helps, aa the sayin' is, but let eyery little be a jolly good lot. {Loud 

Now for the front of the house. Well, Gentlemen, if some of you 
come to be Managers, what I say is, take the front of your house 
into your own hands, place the refreshment-bar oonyeniently, but 
out of sight— like the orchestra— and out of hearing. Let '*No 
Fees" be the absolute rule for the officials, and anyone taking a 
tip must there and then get the sack— I mean, be dismissed. {Ap^ 
ptause.) The programmes must be giyen away free of charge, and 
the amount ot ciyility must not be measured by the amount paid 
for it by your customers. (" ffear^ hear / ") 

Gentlemen, when you can work it, — I mean, where you may haye 
any influence, or where any one of you may be the Boss of the Show 
himself, — I adyise that guVnor to have a reg'lar fine picture gallery 
and slap-up statue-quo-ante-room, to be filled with all the tiptop 
sawyers of Art that can be found in the United Kingdom. Haye 
your Corregios, and your Arpeggios, and your Take-off-1he-edggo*s 
^{applause) — yoju Leonardos, Gambardos, your Canalettis and 
Can't-i-lettis. Gazettii, Donkeyzetties and Margatejetties {applause), 
and the whole bilin' of 'em, so that in the '* waits," — not tbe 
musicians that keep you awake at Christmas time, but the "waits" 
between the Acts— you know what I mean— which should never be 
one second more than a quarter of an hour,— the audience can give 
'emselyes a gentle refresher in the eye, with a picture or a statue, 
after haying had a B. and S., or what not at the Bar of the House. 
(* * Hear, hear / ") Gents, time *s up,— and I dare say by this you 'ye 

had quite a dose of James's powder. {Laughter and " No, no/^*^ 

It 's near luncheon, and, after talking, X shan't be sorry to take ^ 

little bit o' garbage and a shoye-in-the-mouth,— I mean, a little 

grateful refreshment for the inner man myself. {Cheere,) Gents 

all — I nhould say CFentlemen Studoits, here 's luck I Good morning. 

{^Exit the Profeeeor, proceeding from labour to refreehment, 

while the Students, highly pleased, retire to ponder over his 

admirable advice, and on the Urst opportunity to put it in 



An Eleetum Edogue, 


Bung, a Bold Bacchanalian, Cboss, an Amateur Aquarius. 

Bung, Back you ? Why. bless your barnacles, dear boy, 

To back the friends of Bacchus is my joy. 
Cross, Thanks, thanks, my Boniface I I knew you would ; 

But still your stout assurance does me good. 

NoKTHCOTE was right ; your craft is ancient, glorious ; 

And with your aid we 're bound to be yiotorious. 

But, I say, look here. 
You stick to beer I 

Bung. Ah I I should think so. 

None o' yer water-games I 

Cross, Well, ahem I I 'ye some slight inkling— yes. 

My Water Bill was hardly a success. 
Bung, No bottles, my dear boy I 
Cross. No bottles f 

Bung, Oh I 

That means no good— slang patter, don't yer kno^ 


Maroh 20, 1880.] 




Driver of Tandem {to ancient Sustic, on for the day at the toU-har), ** How inrcH I " 

Hitstic puts on spectacles, takes up the hoard, and reads .— " ' Fob onx Hobsb, Pokt, Mule, ob Domkbt, in Cabt ob Cabbuob, 
SixPBNOK. Fob a Paib of Hob«B8, &o,, Ac., Onb Shillusq.* ''—{Soliloquises.)-^** ^Hibs^t Ohi> fob 'tis mobx than One; and 
'twn't a Paib, and tbt 'tw a Paib, lonowats. S^fosb ub sat * haav' ! " 

Cross, Ah I ah I A pretty idiom. 

Bung. Bbn 's a trump I 

But don't you go a pottering with the pump. 

No good oomes out o' that. 
Cross. Of course I never 

Meant to oompel 

Bung. Of course not. Far too deyer I 

A reg'lar 'ot potato, eh ? and so, 

Rayther than drop it, you wind up. / know. 

'Tain't the fust time as Water 's caused dissolving. 
Cross. I like your wit. But it w^ facts involving 

Imperial interests— at least Ben says so — 

That made us shorten our last Session's days so. 

You ' ve read his manifesto ? 
Buna. Have IP lUitherl 

Oh, don't he just know how to froth the lather ? 
Cross. <* Froth I '^ ** Lather I " Really, your facetious trope 

Is slightly too suggestive of soft soap. 

I do assure you, men of light and leading 

Like— may I say myself P— and SmTH, whose breeding 

Was business-like^ would never follow— no I— 

The lead of a political Figaro. 
Bung, Where ard you driving P Figger oh be blowed I 

I like the style in which Ben shows the road : 

No knuckle-down in him I Oook o* the walk 

Is England's post, says he. Av, that 's the talk. 

BxTNG to the backbone, game aU foes to trounce, 
' And let 'em have your weight to the last ounce 

Straight from the shoulder. Abe Belasgo never 

Hit half as hard as Ben, or sparred as clever ; 

And Abe was no bad bruiser, was he P 
Cross. WeU, 

Mr.— the gentleman of whom yon tell— 

Was P 

Bung. A smart Ikey Pug, though to Jack Randall 

He proved to be not fit to hold a candle. 
But Ben 's a slommooker I 

Cross, I— ha I— hum I— just so. 

He is, he is—at least I 'm sure I trust so. 

Bung. But what 's this 'ere about ** Consolidating 
Co-operation " P Hope 'tain't nought relating 
To those dashed Stores P 

Cross. Oh dear me, no. 

Bung. That's right. 

Cut Rads and fads, and on your side we '11 fight. 
No Local Option nonsense, if you please I 
(/call it Local Hop-shun! Not bad cheese P) 
No Gladstone games with grooers^hang that fellow I 
His worry name makes Wittlers' gills turn yellow. 
No WiLFBiD Lawson humbu|r I Make a clearance 
Of all the bogus schemes for interference 
With Us I In fact, out Water, stick to Beer, 
And we bold Bungs 'U pull you through, no fear I 

{At the Court Theatre and the Prince of Wales's,) 

. Mb. Wilson Babbbit, Lessee and Manager of the Court Theatre, 
is to be oongratulated on having produced a really interesting 
Five-Act Play, The Old Love and the New, written by an American 
dramatist, Mr. Bbonson Howabd. Mr. Albebt has * ^ adapted it for 
the English stas[e." Each of the first three Acts ends with a telling 
dramatic situation. The fourth would be wearisome but for the 
admirable acting of Mr. Coghlan, who carries it through trium- 
phantly. The truth seems to be, that the audience is, from first to 
last, interested in the hero of the Author's creation. John Stratton, 
through Mr. Coohlan's masterly representation of the character, 
but never sympathises with either tne Author's or Miss Rosellb's 
ZiUan. " "^ O" ' 



[March 80, 1880. 


Old Parson (who had once been OuraU in the Pariah), " How DO Toxr icakagx 


Farmor, '* Wxll, Sib, ▲bout ab bad as oak bb ! Last Yxa& wx uysd 
ON Faith ; this Txab wx'bb a uyin' in Hopb ; and nbxt Txab I'm afeaid 



(Notes for the Use oj Brand-New Candidates^ by an Eat^pe-- 
rienced Outsider,) 

Hatino selected yonr Boronicli or Comity hj digginflr 
at any published list of the oonstituendes with a pin 
with your eyes shut, tcdenaph your resolution to a kx»l 
agent, take a Parliamentary Uoket, and start for the 
next train. 

On your way down read Zhmosthenes^ taking care 
to fill your mouth with pebbles before startinff, an d to 
miss no opportunity of speaking on every platform you 
oome to. 

Onoe on the spot buy'a new hat. Thisgiyes yoa a 
ooburable excuse for going to the poll. : The latter ix 
generally only to be found by a yoya^ of disooyery, and 
neoessitatM tne employment of a mghly-trained ore^', 
scientific apparatus, an experienced commander with a 
balloon, and a considerable amount of lime juice. Leave 
all this to the agent. 

When, howeyer, you haye tfot safely to the poU, hear 
in mind that the return is the difficult iwint, as Com- 
mander Chxtnx will admit. In the meantime try to get 
up the electoral steam, though, ultimately, you will 
probably haye to trust to your canyass. With a yiew to 
this, some resort to ticking. We recommend ready 
money. Russia duck Ib not to be relied on. 

Now address your constituents. Point out to them 
that you haye been standinf for the borough several 
hours. Do this significantly, and you may perhaps 
induce the best bred among them to offer you a seat. 
If they do, take it at once, and, without further delay, 
putting **M.P." on your card, insist on the Railway 
Company regarding it as your return ticket, and start 
for town. 

If you arriye after midnight, knock up the Speaker, 
who IS bound to show you to your seat at all hours, call 
for something at the oar for the good of the House, 
and, ^tting uie Sergeant-at-Arms to stir a** little maoe 
into it, by way of giying it a flayour, ask him to call 
you a cab. 

Urge priyilege when asked for your fare ; oelebrato 
your return by supping on a three-and-ninepenny lob- 
ster, without division ; and then so to bed and toss 
uneasily all night, dreaming that after passing through 
the agonies of Dissolution^ you are paying the pcit- 
mortem penalties of corruption in the shape oi the costs 
of a petition against your return. 

One fault of the piece is the awkward way in which the quarrel 
between the Count de Carmae and Harold Dacre is brought 
about, and the weakness of its motive, which is not in any way 
strengthened by the Actor's intorpretation. The last two Acts, but 
for Mr. CoGHLAN, would be decidedly dull. 1&. Edmxtnd I^thbs 
IB admirably made up as X« Comte de Carojae : but whether 
he IB carrymg out the Author's (or the Adapter's) instructions, 
or whether he is evolving a French Count &om his own inner 
consciousness, it must be a mistake to render ridiculous in the eyes 
of the audience so seriously important a persona^, and to bring mm 
down to a level with the exaggerated posturmrs and grotosque 
mannerism of Mr. Anbon's George Washington Fhipps (" of New 
York^* — ^may your fellow-countnrmen forgive you, Mr. Bbonson 
HowAXD I— or is this the Adapter's idea P)— and so make him, as it 
were, a rival of the low comedian. That Mrs, Broum, bnghtly 
played by Miss Winifbbd Emert, should laugh at the Count, is 
right enough, and tho audience should laugh at him only when it 
laughs with her, Mr. Edmund Lxathks, however, redeems the 
character by his gallant bearing in the fencing scene, forcibly recall- 
ing the late Mr. Alfred Wioan as Chdteau-Itenatid, It would 
be better for the piece if this French Count bore throughout a 
stronger resemblance to his prototype. 

From no point of yiew can much sympathy be felt for Harold 
Kenyon, as presented to us by the Author and Mr. Arthub Dacrb, 
whose sole merit is, that, as an unpolished young Englishman in very 
rude health, he Ib a good foil for the French Count— only the French 
Count wields a better foil, with which he punishes our unmannerly 
fellow-countryman too severely for his contemptible and cowardly 
conduct in the drawing-room, — and before dinner too I 

Mr. Edmxtnd Price, as Mr, Bahbage (without his calculating 
machine), is good; but why M, MonimUarSy a Parisian Art-Critic, 
and Dr. Beaumarchais, a French doctor, should both speak EngliiE^ 
as only Englishmen can speak their own language, while the well- 
educated and polished Count is distinguished by a most marked 

accent, Ib as mysterious as the conduct of the entire Pftrty of gentle- 
men who suddenly leave the drawing-room for the biDiard-rooin just 
a quarter of an hour, or so, before dinner I As a truthful illus- 
tration of English manners, even at an Englishman's private house 
in Paris, it is about as absurd as though M. Sardou were to repre- 
sent Sir Jones in his own mansion in Leicester Square, saying to his 
guests, " Come— dinner will not be served for another ouarter of an 
hour— let 's go and have a game of skitties I " Some letter device 
might have struck either the American Author or the EngUsh 
Adapter than this for leaving LiUan and Kenyon together, in order 
to IcAd up to the challenge. 

Charles Westbrook, the conceited, fashionable, vain, weak, selfish, 
frivolous old father, is a well-imaj^ed picture of such a tyi>e as 
found a more powerful illustration in the father of IVou-Frou^ and 
our old friend, Mr. David Fisher, plays it admirably, except for 
occasional unnecessary exaggeration. 

But, taking it as a whole, this play cannot fail to interest and 
amuse ; and those who profess a respect for the Actor's Art should 
not miss the present opportunity of studying Mr. Coghlan as Johst 

Having advised everyone to see the piece at the Court, I most 
strongly recommend all Ibvers of the Dramatic Art to lose no time 
in seeing Miss Genevixtb Ward in her powerful impersonation of 
Stephanie in Forget- Me-Not, 

The piece itself, though vigorously written and stiong in situa- 
tions, is far from f aultiess ; everybody is always telling a story to 
everybody else ; and there is a Corsican Paul Pry, of a viUainous type, 
who is perpetually appearing when he 's not wanted, and who, having 
the secret to telL finally lete it out by the merest aoddent. 

The Corsican Paul Pry, called Barratro, and not Paolo PriuU, as 
mifcht have been expected, is played by Mr. Flockton, whose make- 
up is simply admirable. 

If the piece has the demerit of commencing with mystificatien^ it 
has the great merit of gradually interesting the audience by having 

Maboh 20, 1880.] 



supplied Miss Wabd with a oliaraoter, in which it 
womd be yery difficult for hcT to find a riyal who 
oonld hold the audience in two intensely dramatic sitaa- 
tions, which tread so dosely on each other's heels as to 
risk an anti-climax. 

But how is it that Miss Gsneyietb Wasd bursts npon 
us with all the pyrotechnic surprise of a Diz-solution P 
Did she not play at the Adelphi, and at other theatres P 
Did she not even astonish JParis as Lady Teazle in 
an adaptation of the School for Scandal, and' in Lady 
Macbeth, acted half in English, half in French P And 
yet London hails with a semblance of sonprise her 
singnlarly powerful performance at the Prince of Wales's, 
in the part of Stephanie^ in Messrs. Mbbiyale aitd 
Gboteb's Foraet-Me-'Not ! Is it that these Authors 
haye giyen lifiss GKiTByiBys Wabd exactly what she 
can do ? Is it that Stephanie, which this Actress has 
been i)erf orming for some months past in the country, 
after its production in the "on" season at the 
Lyceum last year, giyes the best measure London has 
yet had of Miss Wabd*s talents P The part in which 
Miss Wabd has thus leapt into public fayour was 
written for Miss Ada CAyEKDiSH, who, for some reason 
or other—perhaps the age of the Machiayellian heroine 
— refused it; and the Authors haye been most fortunate 
in falling in with Miss Gem evubvjb Wabd, who. should 
she neyer succeed in any other part— thouffh I cannot 
imagine anything but success for her in Lady Macbeth, 
Constance, or Fo/umnui— has made her mark in this, 
a mark not easily efifaced. 

There are^ howeyer, two decided blots on her perform- 
ance—and if they be corrected, the impersonation will 
be as nearly faultless as possible. The first blot is this 
— and those who haye seen the niece will know what I 
mean without entering into details of situation— where, 
expecting a reply from Sir Horace, who is silent, she 
exclaims, ironically, '* Dumb ! " and then breaking into 
an artificial laugh— purposely artificial— makes her exit. 
With the monosyllable she ^* plays to the gallery" for 
the first time in the piece ; and by oyer-forcing and pro- 
longing an unnatural laufh, she irritates the audience 
and roDs the exit of its aramatio point. It is an old 
stage trick, which should be beneath an artist like Miss 

The second blot occurs in that situation which, as I 
haye already said, risks an anti-dimax. The situation 
is this '.—The man who would assassinate her, has giyen 
his promise not to turn round and look at the woman 
who is about to cross the room and make her escape by 
the door. She is terrified for her life, and has to steal 
away from the curtain at the back to the door in front, 
scarcely daring to breathe, but her eyes fixed on the 
man of whom she ^oes in mortal dread. That she should 
stagger under this strong nhysioal fear, and that her 
limbs- should tremble as she makes her way, is all 
natural enough, and most effectiye ; btU when she reaches 
the door, all hesitation should yanish in the sense of 
relief, in the return of life and hope, and she should 
dart, through the door without a moment's pause. 
Instead of which, she delays at the threshold, she nang^ 
fondly on the panels, as if loth to part with the audience, 
at whom she takes a last fond look, as she cries out, in 
an audible stage whisper, '^Sayedl" and so yery 
gradually disappears — ^yery gradually, for there must 
be a couple oi yards of satin train left behind her, 
which has scarodly dragged its slow length along before 
Barratro turns, and Mr. Clattok has said to Miss 
Vbbnbt, " Wife I "—which had far better be omitted— 
and the curtain drops. 

This iinish of ners is sufficiently dangerous to 
jeopardise her triumph. Miss GxNsyiEyB Wabd's last 
words at the door, addressed to her old fiame, Sir Horace, 
might well be—** When she who adores thee has Uift 
but the train,^^ And Sir Horace, when the outskirts 
haye disappeared, oould say, by way of tag, ** Wdl, she 
who adores me has left for the train, and I hope she '11 
catch it." Whereupon, Barratro^ the Condcan Paid 
Pry, mij^ht see a chance for himself, and, ex<daiming 
** (^tch it I She shaUI " might yaniah down the steps 
at back. FiatiwHtia I 

By the way. Miss Patiiboh is inyariably behiff spoken 
of as ** the pale-faced Alice," and Ymag told to ner yery 
healthy face that ** she lacks colour," when, from first to 
last sh6 is eyidentiy in the mest perfect milkmaidi^ 
health quite equal to Mr. John Glattoit, who is the yery 
type of a robustious sturdy Sir John Butt, Miss Patti- | 

SON might easily giye some colour to these personal remarks with a littie touch 
of white. 

And so, haying finished my reyiew^ I can only repeat my recommendation of 
both pieces; adding, for the conyenience of intending playgoers, that The Old 
Love and the New begins at eight, and Forqet-Me-Not commences at twenty 
minutes to nine exaotiy, both hours most suitaole to late diners and 



HiCH it's come, and my 
soul's up in armiBL my 
umbreller Ib furled for 
the fray I 

As to ** springing a mine," 
that's all rubbidge, the 
season's hit right to a 

For what can my Bxnjy do 
wrong? IB he eyer mis- 
took, oless his curls P— 

Here 's his 'ealth, and con- 
fugion to all as would 
bother my sweetest of 

What a letter he 's writ to 
the Juke! Oh, my Ben's 
compogition 's that fine 

X could flop on my knees at 
each sentence, and drop 
a tear oyer each line. 

Hie style of my smartest 
young men ain't a patch 
upon nis'n, 1 own. 

For hepigrams pootily put, 
and for mettyf urs gor- 
geously blown. 

** Consolidate Co-operation "III 'Ow loyely. 'ow truly sublime I 

My ** safeguarding tiie Empire " ain't nowheres, I fear, though I fanded it 

My use of the hadjectiye ** splendid " I flatters myself is uneek, 
But compared with my Benjajon's diction, how all other men's language reads 


Then his sperrit 1 1 '* Ascendency " 1 1 Ah I that's the motter to write on our 


Though the traitors who 'd haul down our bunting may howl about bunkum 

and brag. 
Oh me I with what shame I now think of my own nnrogenerate days, 
When Jused to pull Benjy to bits, and poke fun at his words and his ways I 

I remember one leader I wrote, which I own it were sarcy and scuryy. 
On much such a letter as this, which 1 laughed at and turned topsy-turyy. 
I called it a-ringing the changes on rubbige and rhodomontade ; 
Which I was but a skitti^ young thing, and sweet Benjy were then in the 

But now, he is top of the tree, Bstst Pbig is a patriot now I 

With 'er 'and on 'er high-swellin' buzzum, her bonnet, bay-trimmed, on her 

Her gi^ham ** at charge," and her eyes glaring wratii on the Russ and the Bad, 
like a Penthesilea in pattens, she wires into Willuh Uke mad. 

Up I up I for the honour of England. ** Integrity I " Yes, that 's the cry 
(In course 'tis of empire I mean— no^ of dealing, for that 's all my eye). 
No Disintegration I— Fine word ! one of Ben's I Write it big, write it black. 
And pin it, a damaging badge, on each bragian Liberal's back. 

Of course they '11 complain, and protest, and pretend at the charge for to scoff, 
But when Benjt has fastened it on 'em in yarn would they wriggle it off. 
That 's where he 's so artful, dear boy I You daub ** traitor " on anyone's door. 
And though 'tis washed off the next morning, the maH will ha' twigged it afore. 

He knows how to tie a tin-kettie or dishdout to any dog's tail, 
To stir all the street up agen him, and set half the town on his trail ; 
He knows how to make his mud stick, and his dirt and his darts for to 
And talking about ** light and leading " to fog fools with darkness and 

** Let in Williax the Woodman," says he, '* and thedread dual bogey 'U come. 
One &oe means effaoement abroad, and the other defacement at 'ome.'' 
St. Ben for Old England I 'Tis he as the two-headed dragon iiHU slay ; 
So ye patriots rush to the poll, and plump boldly for Dizzt I Hooray I ! I 

DsFnrmoN bt a fiEBious M.P. {nU Mr. 
Return to your Original Constituents." 

fiffo^^ftone).— 4)issolution : 



[Maucd 20, 18S0. 


NthU Bneder of Shorthorni, ^/ Wsi^ Tou Akw k Spuendid FsLiow, akd no mmtaks ! " 

Prize Bull, <*So wovu> tou bb, mt Lord, it tov oovu) oult hayx ohoaxn toub Pa avd Ma as Cabbfollt akb judiciously 
AS TOU CHQS^ MniB ! " -: 


{At the Imperial Theatre,) 

ToHCHSTONE {teith cute and gags) 
WiLLiAK (a woodcutter) 
Audrey (a rmtic maid) ' 

I The Eight Hon. the Earl 
I of Bbacohsfieu). 
)The Bight Hon. W. & 
{ Gladstonb. 


Touchstone. By my troth, we thai have good wits haye much to 
answer for; we shall be flouting ; we oannot hold. 

JBnier William. 
WiUiam, Good eyen/ AuDRST. 
Audrey, God ye good even, WiLUAlc. 
'Touchstone, Good eyen, Woodcutter. Is thy name William P 
WiUiam, William, Sir. 
Touchstone, A fair name. Art thou wise? 
William, Ay, Sir, I haye a prett;^ wit. 
Touchstone. You do woo this maid ? 
WiUiam. I do. Sir. 
Touchstone. Art thou learned P 
William. Aye. Sir. . 

Touchstone. Then learn this of me : To haye, is to haye : For all 

I our writers do consent» that ipse is he : now you are not ipse, for 
am he. 

William. Which he. Sir? 

Touchstone. He, Sir, that must marry this woman: Therefore, 
you Woodcutter, abandon— whidi in the yulgar is leaye,-^e 
courting, — ^whichinthe common is, spooning — of uiis woman — ^which 
together is, abandon the spooning of thislemale ; or, Woodoutter, 
thou art undone ; or to thy better understanding, art walked atop of ; 
or, to wit, I oyer-crow thee, make thee sing small, translate thy 
cMindence into shame, thy gain into loss ... I will bandy with 
thee in faction; I will o'er-run thee with policy ; I will defeat thee 
in a hundred and fifty ways ; therefore, tremble— and depart I 


{Sleded, on the FopeU rtoomrMndaHon^ the other day, at the Fatiean, by 
an Assembly of Papal PhUosqphers and Scientific Men.) 

St. Thomas Aquivas^ who was he P No fool, man. 
A deep medisBinsl Diyine and great Schoolman ; 
A Professor of Sacred Theology, famed 
For his learning, and Doctor AngeHcus named. 

He discoursed of all thin^ and some others, expounding 
The last-named with lucidity superabounding. 
As to some of the former his yiews were mistaken. 
But his methbd was prior to that of Lord Bacon. 

The old Tree of Knowledge he caused grow no fruit on. 
Like the props of discoy*ry commencing with Nbwxoit. 
Tet philosophers now, by the recommendation 
Of the Pops, are harked back upon Am oultiyation. 

Suppose ihey find out all the fruit that they 'ye gotten^ 
Nxwtoh's apple indusiye— mere poison, or rotten P 
That themseiyes, with the Fiend in unholy alliance, 
Haye been practising Magic, misdeeming it Science ? 

How 'twill stick in your experimentalists' gizzards, 

When they thought themselyes wise men, to learn they were 

wizards I 
Mechanics' and chemistry's mirades all 
Mere demons' deceits forged to compass men's fall ; 

The light named electric a wildfire designed 
By the Spirits of Darkness to humbug mankind ; 
Mr. Cbookxs's disooyery of " radiant matter," 
A scheme of the former to ruin the latter. 

St Thomas's method, if duly appUed, 
Will proye Galilbo to 'ye been a ' " 
Make out Ttkdall and HiTXLBT „ 
And Darwdt a dufler conyincingly show ; 

ly applied, ^^ ^ 

been a blind guide,! r\r\rslc> 
JiLBT together no gW^ vJ VJ V l\^ 

incinffly show : ^ 



r*vA.'v j^ 



Digitized by 


Maboh 20, 1880.] 



Confate all the'asoertamed^faots of ^. , 
Square Science with Faith'and the Hebrew 

So, unless you 'd exhibit yourself as a fine 

You 'II oelieye in and swear by St Thomas 



Private and Confidential, 

DsAB Editob, 

NoTHiNO yery new to say about the 
raoe eh? The "Blue Biband of the 
Thames." and the *' Modem Isthmian 
Gkunes'' (Isthmus wasn't a river, by the 
way, was it ?) haye been done to death. So 
I haye had to fall back upon the hour. 

Belieye me, 'Varsities snow their feather- 
ing best after sunrise. 

Yours sincerely, 

YouB Owir Mi». 

\_From Mr, Punches Prophetic Reporter,'] 

The light was bumin^ bri^litly in the 
Clock Tower, as the most obatructiiro of 
the Obstructionists put on his coat^ and, 
leaving the Goyemment whip to keep a 
House, made his way towards Pntney . i le 
smiled to himself as ha passed under the 
fflimmering gas-lampt and thought of the 
aisappointment in store for th& weary 
Cabmet Ministers. 

'• When they rise, bedad 'twill be over!" 
he murmured, as he with difflcalty avoided 
the contact of acarriagi? containing a F^^^ 
couple returning prematurely from a smau 
ana early duice. At tlus niooLent Big Ben 
boomed a very small hour in the moniing. 
'* Ah. thin," he addedi Epringing aside nim- 
bly, "that might have been, very bad^ if I 
hadn't been a masther in tha art of OHatruc- 
tion." And he hailed a Han^>inf to which a 
new night-horse had just been hameF^sed. 

Thevehidfi swept along in the direction 
of the river. The roada were thronged 
with a motley crowd of patridans and 
plebeians. Sprmg carts, cabs, and carriaffes 
of every desori^on dashed and collided 
in the gloom. The moon was veiled: not 
a star was visible in the skv. Here and 
there a coffee or a roasted-ohestnut esta- 
blishment flung for a few feet round its 
ruddy glow of ughted charcoal. Occasion- 
ally an obliging constable would dissipate 
a'nArrow circle of the darkness by a wink of 
his bull's eye. But, take it all in all, the 
picture was dark, dank and dismal. 

Now and af ain a gentleman in eveninj: 
dress would let down the window of his 
brougham to ask for a paper. Then came 
a rush of newsboys, anxious to sell the 
remaining copies of the Special Edition of 
the Evening Standard, It was impossible 
to say who was present. The most req)eot- 
able members of society, ashamed to be 
found abroad at so late an hour, tried to 
hide their identity. An oeoaaional gUmpae 
might be caught of a^canimical hut. Once 
even a pair of archiepisoopal gaiters seined 
to twinkle throu|^ the gloom. But, as a 
mle, among the Upper Ten, concealment 
was the order of the day, or rather night. 

The scene on the river was worthy H the 
Nocturnal Art of a Whistlxb; itwasan 
arrangement in black and dark grey, with 
here and there a splash of red w a sta'eak of 
yellow, to represent the glow of a ooffee- 
stall or the glimmer of a street lamp. 
The short, sharp puff from the chimney. 
^ splash of the paddles, or the throb ot 
the screw, were the only indications of the 
anproach of |i hundred-guinea steamer. 
Tne police-boats could only disoover the 

Master George (a very naughty lay, to new French Furee), *'Caboliks» cmicpbenmy-vous 

L»0»GLiLT ! " 

CardliM, ''Nov, MoNSiBirK GioEoxs." 

Mastor George. <' QusL doviugs I Pli VK Mot f ^ 

Caroline, "Pas tts Mot, Kovsibub Osoboss." 

Master George. ** Alobs appobtt-moi mis Bottis, n votrs flat, tov old Bxabt I " 

whereabouts of obstructive barffes in the University fashion— by bumping. The wonder was, 
how the course was ever dearecL 

As the hour approached for the start there was a hush all alon^ the line, broken only 
here and there by a .more than usually irrepressible yawn. These signs of fatigue, it was 
observable, came from the more aristooraticrsightseers. The rest of the crowd, composed 
largely of artisans enjoying an unwonted diversion before commencing their day's work, 
was wide-awake, and even lively. Our Obstructionist had patiently waited at Mortlake 
for some time when he noticed a movement amongst the bystanders. He pulled out his 
watch, and by the aid of a courteous policeman's bull's-eye, managed with dimculty to make 
out the hour. ** Faix, it 's too bad I It 's almost time to ^ to bed I " he exdaimed. Then 
turning to the policeman, he asked " When they were coming ? " 

*' Is it the crews, Sir F " replied the Constable, in whom he was pleased to recognise a 
compatriot. ** Sure the race is over I " 

*' Over— and I 've had to pay my cab for nothing I " angrily cried the M.P. " Sure 'tis 
just the way the Saxon always treats us P " 

Curiosity, however, oonquering indignation, he ddgned at length to ask his fellow 

*' But tell me, which is the winner— Oxford or Cambridge ? " 

" Divil a one of me knows that. Sir," said'the Constable, scratching his head. " Nor any- 
body else. It was too dark entirely to see the finish I But sure, Sir, you 'U be able to read 
all about it by-and-by in the morning papers." 

And wishing his <|uestbner Qood night, the kindly son of Erin ipvoceeded on his round. 
But the Obstructionist was a determined man. His practice in the House had taught 
him that no man is beaten till he owns it. Within hSii an hour he had exhausted all 
inquiry. Alas I his labour was in vaixu He tried to And the fountain-heads of infor- 
mation. Starter, umpires, judge, strokes, and coxswains— all connected with the contest, 
were already fast adeep and snoring I 

And so in darkness and doubt ended the Ui^verdty Boat' Baoe of March the 19th or SOth, 
1880. - -• ^ 



[Maboh 20, 18€0. 


nnt fJecimo die auie Kaiendas Aprikfi. 

The die ia caat ! The doom of Dissolution haw falleii* But 
reotioHj BtruEgre to say^ will precede death, t^n tbe 23rd of this 
month the Pftrliament of 1WT4 will riae to sit no more* It was not 
loveijr in its liic* In its deAtb it will onljr be what it was in iU life 
—divided. Let uh ho^ie that in the diYiflion Jonif BrxL will da as 
Jlamht recommenda hia mothei^ 


my thti woT&er Lalf of it, 

liT« the purer irith the otLer half.' 

"NotCattghttitI" {J/Ur Landacer.) '^^T^^^\^x]!^^^^^{^^^^^^ 

^ '' ' aweeka«omaoigboTongh— bespeakmganeyetoapoli—nothing 

seems to haTe oozed out in betrayal of the Cabinet resolye. So it was like tne bursting of a bombshcdl when, on Monday, March 8, 

in the Lords, mv Lord Bkacoh sfibu), as ourtly as words oould do it, and in the Commons the Chakcxllos of the Exchxqiteb, with 

less economy of breath, annonnoed that Government, haying settled its Lish difficulties, got its Military and Nayal Estimates passed, 

and its Snpply within reach of a yote on account, ha^ oome to the oondnsion that Easter would be the pleasantest time to perform the 

jETart- JTan, and Ai>ril, month of smiles and tears, the fittest for fights big with the joy of yiotory, and the dumps of defeat. 

Bo the writs will De out before the end of March, the '* roanng month ; " by All Fools' Day the country will be elbow-deep in 
the mess and muddle of its Elections, and early in the merry month of May a brand-new Parliament will be at work with its new 
broom, and perhaps— who knows ?•— a new set oi hands, officers and joetty officers, in charge of the ^[ood ship Britannia / 

The issue is in the hands of John Bull. Before May he will haye to audit the accounts ms seryants render, and set his seal to 
them by retention of his present stewards, or refuse it, by tne appointment of new ones. 

A difficult task it should be, seeing that^ aoccnrding to tiie organs to whose tunes we listen for the case of the Ins and Outs, if not 
for the ins and outs of the case, the Opposition are the party of deoomposition, bent on dismembering the United Eingdom. putting 
John Bull in the hole abroad and in Queer Street at home ; cutting the tow-rope of the Colonies ; seyering the consecrated ties ox Church 
and State ; upsetting our most cherished institutions; throwing up the sponge in our quarrels, and generally eating dirt and humble- 
pie in the face of the foreigner— while, on equally unimpeachable and unprejudiced authority, the Goyemment haye, for the last six 
i;ears, been doinff eyerythinsr they ought not to haye done, and leaving undone eyerythin|r they ou^ht to have done ; missing their 
tip in the East ; (uifting helplessly into war in Africa : making ruin and letting loose anarchy m Afghanistan ; singing small or sounding 
the wrong note in the European oonc^ ; and while breeding wars and fomenting disturbance in Europe, Asia, and Africa, neglecting 

Mabch 20, 1880.] 




Old lady {to Eminent Physician), '* Tsll mk, Dootob, what do tov ooksibbk thi most iMFOBTUrr Rule ot all i;ob Health f" 
Doctor {whose ideas run tniuch on the hygitnic properties of Soils and Air, tbe,). " Mr dear Madam— always live ok GRAVELb" 
Old Lady {whose thoughts Udes a more gastronomic turn). ** Oh, Boctoe I I *m sure I couldn't Diqebt it 1 1 " 

domestio legislatioii, aoonmnlatin^ defieits, postponinsr obligationB, 
humbugg:mg interests, and inoreasuiff burdens. 

Sacb, aocording to the Tiews of Lords B. and H. respectively, 
being the monstrons treatment and melancholj prospects of poor 
B&iTANHiA at the hands of the Oats and Ins, it really seenis yery 
little odds how the next month's struggle may end. Whicheyer 
comes head (according to the one) she oan^t win, and whichever turns 
tail, according to the other, she mtut lose. 

Punch can only hopKB and pray that all is not yet quite so U.P. 
with J. B. , as the Whig and Tory oracles proclaim : that life may be 
still worth living with Lord B. in office ; and that Domestic Legisla- 
tion and Foreign Policy, Country and Colonies, Church and State, 
Army and Nayv^will not have to go straightway to the dogs under 
the lead of Lord HABTnroTOir. Let Bsttaiviiia clinff to the comfort 
that whichever way the fight may fall out, there will still be 

<* A sweet little cbemb that siti up aloft 
To keep watch for the life of poor John ; " 

which his name is— no— modestly forbids our putting it in full ; but 
we will only say it begins with T., and it ain't Pall Mall, lia the 
meantime the Essence of Parliament has evaporated, even as the 
wind of the House has been knocked out by the chill touch of the 
Angel of Dissolution. Punch need only state, in as few words as will 
carry the matter, that on Monday both Houses received their 
sentence : the Lords with the calm resignation befitting Olympians 
who have no seats to fight for, and no election bills to pay ; the 
Commons with the excitement natural to atoms of Collective 
Wisdom suddenly informed that within the next few days they 
will have to set about recombining at a considerable cost, and in the 
shade of a doubtful future. 

Then, (in the Commons,) after the Chaitcellob of the Exchequse 
had promised the Budget for Thursday, Mr. Cross intimated that 
the Water Bill would be dissolved even before the Parliament, and 
that as London evidently did not like it, he and the Companies 
must lump it, after a sudden rise, and then a fall of 80 per cent, in 
shares and reputation. 

Close upon this ignominious collapse of Cross and his Water- 

baby, the First Lord of the Advtralty, the best man of business 
in the Cabinet, moved the Ifavy Estimates—** Economy and Peace 
Estimates," as he insisted— at an insignificant reduction on last 
year's charges. Lord High Admiral Smith promises — not on 
IMiper only, let us hope — useful economies in the administra- 
tion of the Admiralty, regulation of Promotions, and reduction 
of Naval Cadets, with many improvements in the armour- 
ing and arming of our ships, the proportioning of cost between 
building and repairs, and the keeping up more proportion between 
heavily armoured Colossuses and Polyphemuses, for the ramming 
of rivals and the smashing of iron-sheathed sides with monster pro- 
jectiles, and of light, swift-sailing, and handy cruisers for the 
protection of oonvoys, colonies, and oommeroe. 

The great Smith, after receiving, unharmed, the oross-fire of the 
PiM, the Hat, the Big Bsh, and the Reed, came gallantly out of 
action, carrying, under his wing, his whole convoy of Naval Esti- 
mates, in a few hours. Never have been seen two such rapid Acts as 
Colonel Staklet's and Lord High Admiral Smith's, in these latter 
days of a dying Parliament. Twenty-five millions of Army and 
Navy Estimates—- there or thereabouts—knocked off— no, added on| 
we should say— in a couple of nights, without either Hon. Colonel 
or Lord High Admiral turning a hair, to the thinnest of tldn 
houses— hardly over the baker's dozen to each batch of millions I 
But perhaps that explains it. 

After the firing of Sir Stapford's Dissolution torpedo. Parliament 
had suddenly adjourned from the House to the telegrapn-office, and 
for several hours Members were fighting for the wires, and flashinff 
the news of Dissolution over the three kingdoms. We have not heard 
that any of the five clerks of the Westminster Palace tele^ph- 
office have died of it ; but never had poor fellows a more *' wiry tune " I 

Tuesday {Lords),— Lord Houghton had another grumble over the 
lack of due provision for publicity in intra-mural executions. Lords 
Bbauchamf and Cranbrook contended that nothing more is wanted 
than what is secured by the law of 1868— the presence of a full body 
of officials to see the convict hanged, and a oinroner's jury to sit on 
his body afterwards. "^ "' 



[Mabch 20, 1880. 

Lords Absbdabb and Eimbbblbt thought theVisitiiig Jiutioes, and 
not the High Sheriff only, shoold haye a disoretion as to granting 
admission to rei)resentatiye8 of the Press. It certainly seems the 
yery irony of legislation that reporters shonld be excduded ^om the 

(Commons,) — Mr. Cboss performed the Happy Dispatch on his 
Water Bill. Poor little Bill! " Bom but to bloom "—no, to blush— 
"a single day I" 

Sir J. Lubbock asking if the War Office meant to lend the Volun- 
teers great-coats for the Easter Monday Eeyiew, Colonel Stai^let 
reminded the House that armed assemblages being forbidden at 
Election times, there could be no appearance of a Volunteer body, 
and therefore no need of a great-coat, next Easter Monday. 

The CsJUfCELLOB of the Ezchbqtteb said that Order would be 
taken for resumption, or suspension of Priyate Bill Committees, 
according to the circumstances of each case, and intimated thafc 
Gbyemment would require nearly all the fag-end of the Session. 

Sir J. McKsirirA trotted out his Hobby — the often renewed 
attempt to make out that Pat bears twice his load of Lnperial 

Sir Joseph was unhobbied, in a thin House, by 58 to 36— a narrow 
majority (against him) of 22. 

Mr. Raikes rose in the yain effort to call attention to the need of 
better proyision for legislatiye compensation to Railway Seryants 
injured in the performance of their duty. There is no claiss of men. 
Punch belieyes, so hardly worked, and so insufficiently protected, 
as BaUway Seryants— none so mucn at the mercy of Corporations, 
who haye, as a rule, far less mercy than priyate employers, and 
none on whose behalf there is more need of oetter legislatiye proyi- 
sion for compensation for injuries, in many cases due to no ayoid- 
able fault of the sufferers, but to too exdusiye an eye to the saying 
of expense and swelling of diyidends on the part of the companies, 
their employers. 

Naturally, the Hou8e^''not being railway seryantfi, and haying its 
heart, not in its legislation, but its electioneering, was Counted Out. 

Wednesdaf/.^Mi, Ain)BB80K brought in a Patent Amendment 
Bill, to withdraw it without a diyision. 

Sir Selwtk Ibbbtsok moyed a supplementary little Bill of four 
millions and a-half for last year's South- African war expenses, but 
frankly confessing, on being put to the question, that he hadn't an 
idea how much of the money was for the Zulu war and how much 
for other items, he was glad to withdraw his demand till to-morrow. 

The ATTOBNiT-GEinEBAL brought in his Bill to legalise Cab Hire 
at Elections. A concession to the long-purses— most of them on the 
right side of course. Looks fishy, but no doubt will be carried— as 
yoters ought to be, 

Thursday (Xorcisj).— Ancient Monuments Bill, introduced by Lord 
Staithopb, resisted by the Duke of Somsbsbt and Lord Redesdale, 
to the De la Wabb cry of "Proputty ! " and sent to a Select Com- 
mittee for its schedule to be sifted, like any other kitchen-midden or 
ash-heap of antiquity. 

Bill for restricting Beer-dealers' retail ycences. May it conduce 
to the restriction of Beer-drinkers'wholesale licence. 

(CammonjO—The Budget. As you were : no taxes laid on^ none 
taken off. The difference between income and outlay (anticipated 
and realised) for the current year rather aboye than below £3,300,000. 
Eiffht million^ of accumulated deficit to be proyided for by renewing 
biliB for two millions, and paying off six by terminable annuities 
ending in 1885, adding £800,000 to the permanent debt, and 
suspending Sir Btaffobd's own pet sinking fimd. 

Not a brilliant Budget by any means, in fact supplying what 
should be a yery good stick to beat the Goyemment fKK)k-Keei>er. 
The most comfortable item Punch can find in the national balance- 
sheet is the falling off of £700,000 in the Customs' Duties on 
foreign spirits, ana £800,000 in the excise on British Spirits, and 
£940,000 on malt. With the alcoholic barometer going down at 
this rate, there is at least diminution of drinking to set against 
reduction of reyenue. 

Friday (Zor<fo).— The Goyemment, the Duke of Richmokd ex- 
plained, can't be expected to see their .way about Roads till they 
see what road the Elections are likely to take. 

Lord Btjbt objected to Lord Galloway's talking about Lord 
Aibet's Report on the "break-down " of the Short Service system. 

** Break-downs " belong to burlesques, not to War Office Reports. 
The Report is a profouna secret, and meant to be kept so for the 

{Commons,'^ — Goyemment is to haye eyery day next week, and 
will then adjourn. The House can't be expected to do any work 
with the sword of Damocles hanging oyer its head, as Mr. Fawcett 
found last night, when he, with Mr. Glabstoite to help him, had to 
withdraw his proposal to relieye India of some part of the oost of 
the Afghan War, finding nobody could settle to any^iing. 

The Relioiok of Natube. — Li Spring— Buddhism. 


BcoTL^jvB, A17S Wales, 
* I ADDBE8S you from a 
d^sk fiill of Requisitions from all 
mrta of tbc tJnited Kingdom — 
from yaat London boroughs, from 
capacious counties, from manufac- 
turing metropo- 
lises, mm ancient 
Cathedral sees, 
and seaports, — 
soliciting me to 
become their 
Member in the 
new Parliament, 
and that without 
either oost or 

I appreciate 
these tokens of 
the good sense 
and gratitude of 
my countrymen, 
and shall be- 
gueath them, in 
handsome frames, 
as heirlooms to a 
proud and admir- 
ing posterity. 

I haye declined all these inyitations,'pref erring to preserye my 
independence, and to continue to act as tine guide, philosophy, and 
friend of you all. 

In this, my old and fayourite character, I haye now something to 
say to you touching the coming momentous General Election. 

Awed bj the flattering but solemn assurance of a noble EarL in 
an ," electioneering address " despatched to a brother peer in Dublin, 
that *' the power of England and the peaoe of Europe will largely 
depend on the yerdict of the country," I admonish you, as The Eye 
odE England, to remember that the eyin of Europe are now upon you ; 
I charge you, Chippenham, to be careful not to aggrayate Prince 
BiaiCABCK^s neuralgia ; Wednesbury, I tell you that the cafis and 
salons of Paris resound with your name, and speculate on your 
choice: Petersfield and Peterborough, St Petersburg isiwaits your 
*' yerdict " with an intensity of feywiui suspense. 

Let us haye an exemplary, a modd Election. Let ns show that 
the public weal is not inseparably bound up with the public-house ; 
let us break neither heads, windows, nor promises : let us abandon 
personation and personality, fighting an opponent fairly and stoutiy, 
without reminding him that his great grandfather was a tailor or an 
early and inyoluntary settier in New South Wales ; let us yote for the 
man who best goes along with the general current of our yiews and 
wishes, although he may not think as we do on single points, such 
as Local Option. Co-operatiye Stores, Contagious Diseases Acts, 
Deceased Wiyes'^ Sisters, Licensed Yictuallers, Female Soft-age, 
Sugar Bounties, Stinday Closing, Vaccination and Yiyiseotion ; and, 
aboye all, let us not imperil a seat by scattering our yotes among 
two or three candidates, instead of concentrating tiiem on one. 

England— beware beer and briberjr. Lreland— the force of a yote 
does not depend on the strength of a shillelagh: firiye up Home- 
Rule— ^Iry Self-Goyemment. Scotland— I haye unbounded confi- 
dence in you, but put the whiskey-bottle away. Wales— do nothing 
to discredit your Prince and Princess. 

And may we all, both Punch and People, so yote and poll, that 
hereafter we may be able to look back to the great " May Meeting " 
of 1880 at Westminster as the beginainsr of seyen tranquil years of 
peaoe and prosperity, of renewed surpluses and cheeixul Budgets, 
of fewer figures of speech and more comfortable figures of arithme- 
tic, of a /* spirited^' home policy, of a ** rectification" of many 
abuses, grieyances, and anomalies, of wise work and restrained talk 

— and of a fresh series of inimitable Cartoons in 


In Prospect of Dissolution. 

" Oh. happy Ass I " puzzled Jomr Bull may say^ 
** Betwixt two loads, and only two, of hay I 
See me, unhappy Ass, whose soul in stress is 
Of all these contradictory addresses I 
Oh, how that ass 'twixt nis two loads might laugh 
At me perplexed 'mong all these loads of chaff!*" 

Out of the Fog (wh«re Lord S, 
Light and Leading.''— The T<inlmian. 

must have ghiPW-^QdOsSM ^ 

IV To CoBBiirovsiaiB.— nu SdUor dou not kcUl hinutlf bound to ocknawUdgt, rotum, wrpa^for OontribvHom, M n* can mm tktm bt ntm mo d mUm mo e§ w tf9mi t i if • 

itamptd and direeiod tAmlopt, Copiot aHould b4 htpL 

Maroh 27, 1880.] 




( The Diary of a Day $pmU in a very Parliamentary , Train,) 

KosK early after a good night's rest, in excellent trim for my 
Northern campaign. 

Arriyed at the terminus, I fonnd that the arrangements were 
excellent. The public had been refused admittance to the platform, 
and consequently a large crowd had collected outside the station. 

Seized the oppcnrtuni^ to deliyer a forty minutes^ oration. It 
wasreceiyed with entnusiasm, except by a few mi' 
declared that they would be late for their trains. 

few malcontents, who 

__ trains. These selfish 

Obstructionists were speedily bonneted by the more energetic of 

Haying concluded my peroration, I disappeared, and (b y ar range- 
ment with the Eailway Officials) took up iresh ground. When the 
doors were thrown o^en, I was found in tbe Booking-office. A 
number of trayellers immediately collected round the pifeon-hole 
asking fo» tickets. I gayethem something better. In a few well- 
chosen words 1 exidained my policy, denounced the tactics of the 
Qoyenmient, and sketched the mstor^ of Parliament from the earUest 
days. I was just warming to the subject, when the Traffic Manager 
informed me that my train could not conyeniently wait any lon|:er, 
as it was already forty minutes behind its time. Hearing this. I 
immediately retired m)m the Booking-office, and hurried to the 
Saloon Carriage which had yery courteously been placed at my dis- 
posaL Then, after heartily thanking the Traffic Manager and the 
other officials for their consideration,! gayethe signal for departure, 
and the train steamed off. 

Cor first stoppage was at Slooum, where we waited ten minutes 
for refreshments. Thanks to the admirable arrangements of the 
Railway Company I found the h^et ready to reoeiye me. The 
young Ladies cheered loudly as I took my stand on the counter. In 
a minute the room was completely filled, and I had an opportunity 
of explaining my yiews at some length. The meeting was a great 
laoosBS. It is true that an angry old gentleman who wanted soup, 
and a Materf amilias with a large family clamouring for buns, raisea 
a oertaia amount of confusion, but they were forced to withdraw by 
an attendant poHceman. 

We were an hour or more late on leaying Slocum, and put on 
extra steam to Flamborou^h* Here, as a rnte, the train stc^ fiye 
minutes for water. On this occasion, howeyer (thanks to the kind- 
ness of the Eailway Officials), the wait was considerably prolonged. I 
bad time to reoeiye four deputations in the Waiting Boom, to make 
a lonfc speech to an enthusiastic audience of non-electors from a 
window in the Station-Master's i^yate apartments, wad to lunch 
with the Mayor and Corporation in the Telegraph Office. Eyery- 
thing passed off admirably, and the enthusiaan was enormous. 

^m» two hours behind our time we steamed out of Flamborough, 
and my speeches at Muddleton (where we stayed forty minutesToy 

the kindness of the Bail way Officials) ; at Lonewyndham (where we 
stopped three-quarters of an hour), and at Hazeborough Junction 
(where no record of the time was kept) were reoeiyed with the loudest 
of cheers. 

As it was represented to me, shortly after leaying the Junction, 
that our earlier stoppages had rather interfered with the ordinary 
traffic on the line, 1 suggested that we should proceed direct to our 
destination. This concession was ^tefully acknowledged by the 
Bailway Officials, who, howeyer. insisted that I should haye a final 
opportunity of addressmg my fellow-passengers. Feeling that I had 
no right to refuse this proposal, I consented. The train was stopped 
at tbe junction of seyeral lines, and danger-signals were hoii^ted 
in all directions. In less than an hour, some dozen trains coming 
from yarious parts of the country, had slopped behind and in front 
of ours. The passengers haying desceBaed, I addressed the meeting 
from the signal-box. I was listened to with great attention by 
eyerybody, with the exception of those who had trayelled by my own 
train, who rudely dedared that they had heard what I was saying 
before I Haying finished my speech, the passengers returned to 
their respeotiye carriages, ana the traffic on the line was resumed. 

The remainder of our journey was without incident. We arriyed 
at our terminus only fiye hours late. On entering the Station I 
was receiyed with the most enthusiastic applause. The Bailway 
Officials immediately interyiewed me, and suggested that I might 
then and there hold a meeting. As I was rather fatisued by my 
exertions, I pointed out that the only pcTsona I ahoiald lixe to addresft 
(as my local aTr&Tigement(* were all made) were tho&e who bad aoe^jm- 
panied me. I added that I feared the pasBeii^ers would bo fa- 
tig imd, and that, in fact, I foTind toy Belt faUiii| \>ft to ale<?p* I 
therefore decided upon ^oin^ to my bot^l forthwith* I was escorted 
to a cania^^and-six, and toe prcM>easioa (which inotud^d six breuss 
bands and two hundred toreh- bearers) started for the Sten tors' Axme, 
wh^e I cloae thia pai^e of my diary before going to bed. I muat fr^t 
a littU sleep, a» my £rat meeting is colled for daybreak to-morrow 

Bather too Kind. 

A CoKsinyATiyx moniiBg journal thns anaoimeea 

'* A Homb-Rulbr's Mission.— The Home-Rule ConfederatioB ExeoutiTO 
decided yesterday to send Mr. F. H. O'Donitbll, M.P., to lome of the 
Northern towns to speak at meetings on behalf of the Liberal Candidates." 

The idea of sending an Obstmotiye to promote Liberal interests is a 
Uttle too Irish. Saye the Liberal Candidates from their friends, 
espeoialiy those who are likewise Home-Bnlera I N(m laid auxilio ! 


A LARGE number of Members of Parliament haye gone to the 

In many oases, their return is so uncertain that they haye only 
taken single tickets. 


It is announeed that the Qrooers' Company haye awarded a fifth 
donation of £100 to the Yentnor Consumption Horoital. The 
Grocers would gladly check all consumption but that of tea, sugar, 
and other groceries. 

Ak EMENDAnoir {frwn ike Indian Taxpayer'' s standpoini),^ 
" Imperium et Pa^tpertoiJ* 

DisRABLiAir SnfOKTM.— " The policy of decomposition "— ** Utter 

What Lohdoit Raxkpatxes abb ik the "Easdb of the Loedok 
Water CoMPAEi£8.~Water-Babies. 

The Officer Coiqcahdieq {at the Easier JBtfrttftr).— General 

BsTTiofAeEic BRAyxRT.— " The Charge of the Six Hundred." By 
Major BuBKABT. 

The best Example of Lioht abb LEABore {into Shughe of 
Deapondi—The Will-o'-the-Wisp. 

Eastee Eeos for Cabbidates.— Not roti 





[Maboh 27, 1880. 


Edvfin, ''Dull Pai«r this vobniho, ain't it, AnotI" 

Angelina, "YbsI Not ▲ Soul ohx kkows mxbtiokxd 1— kot xvxk in thb DxathbI" 


(By <' a Party that was Jockeyed,''*) 

The Soion of a Dutiiiffiiuslied JSire, 

his Blood, Birth, ana Breeding 

seemed worthy of 



his Stablk Reputation 

beinir backed by tne ConntiT« 

he was thonght oamtble of fulnUing 

Many Foreign Engagements, 

in a eritioal stroggle, 


Failed to keep paoe with his Leader, 

Dissented ftSm " the MoTement 

of the Fleet" 

Bolted from the Right Course, 

and has sinoe, in oonseqiumoey 

Changed Hands, mounted 

Fresh Colours, 

and again figuM in quotations 

as a likely Candidate for a Plaoa, 


though Liberally supported, 

his Radioal want of Pluok 

has'for ever forfeited the oonfidence 

"That Stout Old Tokt Party/' 
^e Left in the LuroL 

Hills aks Hollows.— About the 
most disgraoeful thing in London 
(of .'many disfrraoeful thinn).— the 
Paying of the Edgware Road. 

All the Difference. 

"The letter i« apocryphal .... it ia 
too epigrammatic for an Oriental." — Lord 
BeaeontJUldf Bouu o/Lordty March 16. 

Iv a letter from Shsse Ali 
Epigrams show unreslity : 

Li a letter from Disbaxli 
Do they prove its Disraelity ? 


Apbopos of the present perverse stoupage of Park Lane for wood 

Earing, when the most appropriate bloou would seem to be the 
eads that direeted such a work at such a time, the Daily New9 
sensibly remarks :— 

'* There ia plenty of work by which London might be improved, and 
Londoner! at thi« season not tormented. Certain pettrUs hav$ adopUd an 
admirable tyetem of indicating otroet nomenelaturo on the lampo at the 
eomert of thoroughfare*. The idea it to good, the oott to moderate, and the 
retult to tatUfaotory, that of oourte the other veetriee have held oack, and 
pottibly the originatore may be induced to cancel the bene/U they have offered 
the public. In the meantime the Paris anthoritiea, following the example 
of Bmsaels and Antwerp, hare ornamented the street comers of a capital not 
half BO wealthy or so busy as our own with oonspicuous dock-dials. But in 
London — ^where time is money — Hamilton Place is blocked, and Park Lane 
tLCulde eaeJ** 

Punch has been hammering at the urgency and practioabLlity 
of this form of light literature— street-lettering on s&eet-lamps— 
for many a long day, and is ashamed that he has still to ory to the 
deaf ears of the West-End Vestryman, '* Light, more light I '' 


The Land of Cakes lays claim to be likewise a Land of Logic, not 
undolj ; but the syllogistic faculties of Scotchmen are apt to fail 
them in the consideration of any question rdatiye to Sunday. It is 
painfully evident that the Sawbbatarians have not arrived at a sane 
view of the Tay Bridge accident. 

'* On Wednesday, by 15 votes to 13, the Dundee Presbytery adopted an 
overture to the General Assembly acknowledging the hand of Goa in the 
disaster, and aaking the Assembly to devise means for removing temptations 
to Sunday travelling and traffic. One spnBaker said he regarded the disaster 
as a judgment of Qod upon mercantile trickery in building a bad bridge." 

From the division, however, we are glad to see that even in the 
Dundee Presbytery a considerable minority declines te pronounce a 

Sawbbatarian opinion upon a calamity which they have no warrant 
whatsoever for supposing to have been occasioned by other than 
natural causes. These, perhaps, were intended to be signified by 
the speaker who represented the &11 of the bridge as a supematunil 
visitation upon mercantile trickery. Unfortunately for! this view, 
the parties responsible for trickery in building the bridge did not 
happen to be travelling over it when it f elL 

As for the Sawbbatarian majority, they can only be regarded as 
an additional example of a crotchet about Sunday so national that 
it may well be called the Scotch craze. This, wh«i exdted, 
agitates its victim with such violence as to cause the clatter of a 
loose slate in an upper storey otherwise sound ; or, to put the 
same fact in a different figure, causes a hum of the biggest See that 
every now and then buszes in Sawnbt's bonnet. 


Chapuer XI. 
On the Platform are tatiiffuUy arranged varioui Prftperty Eatable$. 
Enter the Lecturer, very quietly ^ hy a eide-door. Me t$ dreseed 
in over^coat, muffier, and opera-hat, which he eknclv and 
thoughtfully remaveSf and appeare in evening drees. Applause, 

The Lecturer looks about, as if in search of something or somebody^ 
smiles blandly, ana then commences quietly — 

Well, QeMemenr-xoD,— {rubs his chin meditatively, andregtarding 
a perfect stranger in the third row of the dlass with a vague but 
arable «mtie)— well— Gentlemen— I 've come to give you a lecture— 
(t^ suddenly occurs to him that this sounds too severej-^oh, no, don't 
be afraid ; I haven't come to lecture you as if vou all had been very 
bad boys. Oh dear, no I (Puts his hands bekmd him, throws back 
his head, opens his mouth and shuts his eyes, as if he were playing 
the children's game qf seeing what Providence wiu send him, but m 
reality for a hearty guff aw at the absurdity of the idea of their being 
bad boys whom he has come to lecture,) Oh dear, nol (Shakes h$s 

=J^.>»H>W>^ > ■■ ->- ■/-,--— ^-.^-.-^.-r 

■ ■■IT ■ •>T.-' - nrmcjs 

Mabob 27, 1880.] 




JeaZofM Old Whip [ccnning up). " Wht, HUflTBB Frid, how oimm tou bbrs f " 
Jfo^eer Fred, " I ALWAT8 wait Dowir Wnm. Whbkb wxbb tott, Jim f " 

Amm^» ani^ naay$ himself forward and hack.) Oh dear, no—not at 
all—not at all I Ha I ha ! ha I {Laughi—tMn rnumes very quietly ^ 
and emilmg eheerfuUy) — On the oontrary, you're yery good hoys. 
As my friend, Mr. Palobatb Siicpbon, wonla say, " Lawk-a-mnssy, 
I noTer saw snoh yery admirahle hoys!'' (**Mear! hear!'* and 
laughter. Lecturer emilee^ and con^miM)— Let me see— nm— (cofi- 
Mdire) — suppose we take^ as the suhjeot of this leoture— oostume— 
yes— costume — {rvhs hu chin thoughtfuUy) — or— business — umP 
Bappose we say business. Of course I moan ^' stage business." We 
might take business first, and— (Mnt7m^ cAeei^^W/y)— pleasure after- 
wards. Um P (Laughing heniffnly. and locking round the room at 
the clan gradually^ Business first— aiu^— pleasure afterwards. 
{Thoroughty satisfied so far,) Very welL 0^— stop a moment— 
irs^ts— regards the jtroperties on the toW^)— Ah— yes— the use of 
"properties." We might consider that first— unless— no— (imiA:^ 
«jp Am mind suddenly)— no—we '11 begin with staffc-business. (Puts 
his hands behind htm, as if he were a hoy at school ordered to say 
some lines off by hearty then throws his head back, looks at the ceiUng, 
opens his mouth as tf about to deliver himself oracularly, then 
pauses. Disappointment of the class. Then he begins) ... On ike 
ttare. Gentlemen, there is such a fault as oTercarefulness— of being 
goilty of the untradesmanlike— («m«Z0« apohgeticdUy as he repeats) 
—the untradesmanlike falsehood of too strict an attention to business 
(appears pleased^ hums part of a tune quietly to himself then 

To worry yourself as to what you shall be doing when the Author 
has giyp you noQan^ to do,— 'What you shaU pretend to be saying 
when the stage direction sets down of such and such a charaoterthat 
he^talks apart with Mrs. So-and-So,"— to trouble yonnelf about the 
use of a pocket-handkerchief, as to which pocket you shall use, or 
wheUier you shaU use any; or whether you shall stir the fire or <mly 
stand on the hearth-rug witiiout stiirin^— (<m>2M pleasantly and 
MWf y— I don't mean withoot moyinff . but without stimng the fire— 
which action, if often repeated, would make it a very stirring part— 
Uhrows his head back and laughs suddenly)— hsL I ha {—(reduces his 
hearty laugh to an amiable smile as he repeats)— sl very stirring 
pwt. (*'mar! hear!*' and laughter.) Um— (cofwufert)— wd? 
Gentlemen— (foo^ ahout^ suddenly recalls to mind his sul^ee€l—0\ 

yes, of course, I was saying, if you bother yourself about these 
minutiee— (jpauMf and considers whether he is right in saying 
minuses, or whether it oughtn't to be *' minutia " — decides on choosing 
asiother loorcQ— about these insignificant details, you '11 neyer be a 
great Actor. 

When an Actor is onoe imbued with the spirit of the part he has to 
play, all his movements come spontaneously, and he need neyer trouble 
himself off the Stage with thinking how he will behaye on it. Wasn't 
it the great Mrs. &idi>07XB— (doubtfully)— I think it was the great 
Mrs. SiDDOirs, who, let me wee— (thinks over tQ— yes, of course, she 
neyer troubled her hcAd with what she was going to do as Lady 
Macbethf or how she was going to do it, but, putting down her— her 
—let me see— yes— (r«>foc<»>7-yes, it was knitting she used to do- 
yes, putting down her knittin^r, she would go on to the stage and 
become at onoe Lady Macbeth, {Cheers,) We hear a great deal 
about " study." Well^ Tan—(bend%ng himseff angularly awl looking 
up at nothing in particular^ then s&U with his hands behind him, 
gwing a side^glance at his auditory without changing his position)— I 
can't see the necessity of study. If you get your words by heart as 
well as by head— (altonm^ his posiHan to another graceful curve, and 
taking another three-quarter stde-ways look at hts class) — as well as 
by head^ then, all you 'ye got to da— (elevating his eyebrows, con- 
fronting the audience^ opening his mouth, and throwing up his hands) 
—is, to play it I (Shuts his mouth suddenly ^ he retains hts attitude 
durtfig the applause which follows, and then swaying himself round, 
rej^laces his hands behind him ana resumes) — um, jesi— (smiling) — I 
think so,— don't study, let the bushiess come naturally. Let me see 
— (me<liAii65)— yes— *' tteading and acting come by nature, so giye 
Heayen thanks and make no boast" (Smiles, elevates his eyebrows, 
hums a snatch of a melody^ loses himself m thought— finds himself 
again, and resume,) 

A good entrance, Gentlemen, is of considerable importance, but a 
good exit is better. If you come in like a lamb, take care to go out 
like a lion. (" Hear, hear ! ") Not too much like a lion, howeyer. 
Do not reeerye all your force for your exit Ayoid plain leyel 
acting throughout deyeloping into a noisy climax. Against that 
you need no warning. If you are unable to make a point by a quiet 
exit, you will neyer force an_effect on an audience by suddemly 

-^L—:—^ & 



[Maech 27, 188a 


The Dean. ** Mb. Snifps, I want tott to make mt Son a Huntinq Suit ; just what tou 


Cflerieal Tailor. ** I Bia TOUB fabdok, Kb. Dban. Mat I ikquibb if thb touno Qbntlbman 
IN Holy Obdxbb f " 
ThsDean. "No." 

OleHoal Taihr, " Ah I TO bb Obdadtbd shobtlt, I suphmbs t " 
The Dean. •* No, no ; he *8 not thinkino of antthino of the kind." 
Clerical Tailor, ** Then I 'm sobby to bay I must dbolinb the obdeb, Mb. Dean i " 


« Double, double, toil and trouble. 
Fire bum. and cauldron bubble." 


Fboh floods of speech and smother 
Of broad-oast posting-bills. 

Where each side proves the other 
Author of all our ills ; 

From clash of cross-addresses 
And dang of damouring tongaeSv 

From mud of narty-presses 
And strength of party-lungs ; 

From candidates and agents, 
From oanyassers and touts, 

From reverend and lay gents, 
All hot for Ins or Outs ; 

From pnhlic-honse CoTninittoea, 
And public platforms* bray. 

Through countiea. towns, and dties 
Resounding night and day ; 

From talking of Elections, 
And reading of the same,^ 

Dissolving views, in sections. 
Of Park's little game ; 

Oh *' roaring month " deliver us, 
'Till, after All-Fools* Day, 

Time*8 soavenge-van, omnivorous, 
Shall eart the mess away. 

And in the teeth of his doom. 
From the black cauldron's haze 

Rise a Collective Wisdom 
Distilled in wondrous ways I 


In 1874 the country came to Lord 
Beaconsfield for rest. And how 
Lord B. returns the compliment by 
going to the country, as nis friends 
sayfor the rest of his lease of power, 
or as the Oppodtion hope, for the rest 
of his natural Uf e. 

Pbobabls Consequence of Habt- 
icann's Akbival in London. — 
Extra-edition, if not Brtradition. 

rowing up your arms, shrugging vour dioulders. elevating your 
ebrows^ rollmg your eyes, and exciEdming ** Ah I " Such actions 
ight suit one particular character, but not sll the parts you have 
play. (Applause.) 

Now, much of the business of the stage depends on properties, 
nrfaaps you are not aware that all banquets on the stage condsts of 
-operty eatables and property drinkables P (SmiUi. and nods 
^wly.) This is as it should be. The stage is the place for the 
ihibition of works of theatrical Art, and not a museum for the 
llection of Realities. {Cheers.) Who wants to see an Aetor 
.ting a real chicken, oarving a real ham, or munching a genuine 
e from Fobtnuk and Mason's P (Stretching out both hands 
ypeaUnglyy bending his knees, and throwing his head back, 
pplause. Continues in this atUtude.) Is thwe any Art in such 
L exhibition P No. (Cheers.) Is there a chance for the Aetor 
Lowing how admirably he can simulate eating a chicken, how per- 
ctly true to Nature in his imitation of devouring a pie, or of 
rinkin^ out of a flufon if the real artides are aetualiy placed 
)fore him P No I (Cheers, The Lecturer sways himself into his 
yrmer conftdeniial attitude^ with his hands behind Mm, and 

Gentlemen,— um^(oem«ti2^<)— yes— of course— there is no Art in 
aacking your lips after drinking a good glass of wine. But there 
considerable Art in smacking your lips and looking pleased and 
itisfied after emptying a glassful of some nauseous stuff — (makes 
genuine expression of the most intense disgust)^msAe of heaven 
ad the property-man only know what, and. which, for aught the 
.ctor can teU, may be highly injurious in its effects. Ugh I (8hud- 
ers.) Gentlemen, to smiJe alter such a draught, and to say 
eartily, ** Master Boniface, thou hast some good stuff in thy cellar ! 
mother bumper, Sirrah I Here 's to thee and thy pretty daughter I " 

snd then, to be compelled by the business of the scene, to empty 
another transparent glass of the abominable mixture— the mixture 
as before— ugh!— (moA^ another face)— Ti^hl and yet to smile and 
smack your lips, and swear heartily that it is "nectar for the godsl ' 
—this. Gentlemen, is true Art, highly meritorious in the mdividud, 
and for which display there would be no opportunity woto the 
wine real good sherry, or pwrt, or champagne. (AppUtuse.) Um 
-'je»—(meditaUs)-Biii these remarks apply also to eatables. 
The Actor is never called upon for a more dimcult, a more trying, 
or perhaps a more telling exhibition of his Art— than— when— 
(meditates sideways, eyes hts audience askance, and, stooping sltgMy, 
bends forward as if looking for some one to come suddenly from 
somewhere round the cortwr)— yes-^than when— let me see-um— 
(firwW— than when he has to make a hearty meal off a canvass- 
backed— (wit&fw sUly)—oft a oanvass-backed duck, with pieces of 
bread let into the back for him to make-believe with, as the 
Marchioness did with the oranw-ped in the OW Curtonty Sh<^. 
(StiU with the same smile, and the same attitude.) There's a taste 
of the glue about it (r^cU), or the paint-pptr-(ma*6« a grimacjl 
-or something nasty— and the nastier it is, the greater tiie Actors 
chance for showing his mastery over his Art., 14pP*S!!"f:J ,„ 

I will now ^oc^ to give you a few practical illujbrations. {Bi(es 
the properties. Immense and prolonged applause.) These properti^ 
— aresi-um (<oucAe* <Aem)— excellent- a» properties. ThepamL 
or gum, or glue, or whatever it is on them, is not yet dry. As 
Hamlet says, "And smdls sol PshJ" (Applause.) .. . So- 
(m«^ttefe»)-80-I think-with your kind I^^issipn— I'll-yes- 
(touches a few more, and makes a grimace)— I 'U defer this part cf 
my lecture till another day.— and iken— (seeing the dMappomm^t 

Iq/^Awcfew)— I'll go througii them all. (Cheers. He smiles c^tTably, 
I hums, and then suddenly looks at his watch.) Dear 


79 t*Ui*VW, 

, I didn't 


March 27, 1880.] 



know it was so late. Urn— the fact is, my friend Mr. Wai^ter Lact is very 
anxions to address yon ; but as we have Dotn to lectnre at the Eoyal Academy 

of Music tliis afternoon— he on singvig and I on dancing and deportment,— and 
as we are both returning to town together, perhaps you wouldn t mind— if I — 
eh ? um I {Applatise.) Then I will— thank jon—lopens side-door^ and caUs)^ 
Professor Lact I 

Enter Professor Lact. He botes unth the utmott courtesy to the classj shakes 
hands with Professor Cbcil, deposits his hat on the table, throws hts gloves 
into it, rutts his hand through his hair^opens his chest, and confronts the 
audience. Loud applause, whereupon Professor Lact places hts hand on 
his heart, bows to the audience, then turns to where Professor Cecil is sitting 
with one glove half on, applauding with his umbrella. He bows politely to him, 
evidently including the umbrella in this act of politeness, and commences — 

[Professor Lact's lecture, •* in our next," by the kind permission of Professor 
Abthtjb Cecil, who, during its delivery, retains his seat on the platform, as 
both Professors have to return to toum together by the same train,"} 


(Collected from various quarters, and commended to the attention of free and 
independent Electors everywhere,) 

Because the sole hope of the world is that Bull should be top of the tree, 
And because the right person to give him that dominant perch is Lord B. ; 
Because William Qladstonb 's a traitor, a coward, a fool, and a sneak. 
Who, neglecting to spifflioate Russia, would prose o£E our silyery streak ; 
Because Dizzt 's deucedly artful, and game to give Gk)BTSCHAKOFF fits. 
Take the shine out of any Ajtdbasst, and bang grim old Bishabck to oits ; 
Because but for Beaconsfield's foresight, pluck, patience, and patriot care, 
The £uss would be now on the Bosphorus, we, the deuce only knows where ! 
Because quiet sense and plain deahng, and fondness for freeaom and right, 
Make the foreigners think we 're effaced, and would sooner be kicked '£an show 

Because all these foreigners praise us (who used to contemn and pooh-pooh). 
As, Beit haying spoiled all their games, it is natural, quite, they should do ; 
Because, as these foreigners hate us, and seldom indulge in sincerity, 
Their yerdict on Bbk is impartial and final as that of posterity ; 
Because the grim Muscoyite Ogre is hungrily waitm^ to see 
If England 's still sweet upon Dizzt or nuts upon W. G. ) 
Because if blind Bull choose the latter for Leader, the big Northern Bruin 
Will collar Stamboul like a shot, pocket Lidia, and leaye us to ruin : 
Because if we once let in GLADsroins he 'U smash up the Emjnre like crockery, 
Gtiye us disintegration at home, and abroad degradation and mockery : 
Because that fortuitous concourse of atoms, the Liberal Party, 
Can ne'er pull together for England in unity, loyal and hearty : 
Because 'tis a horrible Hydra, with goodness knows how many heads. 
And a poisonous bite that inspires all true patriots with doldrums and dreads : 
Because there is only one Hercules— Bszr— who tiiiat Hydra can slay. 
Who absent, no being can baffie the brute, or its rayages stay : 
Because those detestable Paddies, conspiring to pull down the State, 
Will do so with Liberal aid, if the Tones don't spare 'em that fate : 
Because this unholy alliance is plainly more dangerous far 
Than a compound of Earthquake, and Famine, Draught, Pestilence, Murrain 

and War: 
Because, thouffh Lord HABTmoroN 'b honest, he 's awfully led bv the nose ; 
And because Mr. Bbight always dances when England is dished by her foes : 

Because false Abgtll would rejoice to see Cossacks en- 
camped in Hyde Park : 

Because acid GBAinriLLB would look on the sack of 
Cheapside as a lark : 

Because yengefol Habcoubt 's in f ayour of rending the 
Kingdom in halyes : 

Because, ^ Perish India ! " Fbebiok would haye us all 
slayes to the Slays : 

Because Mr. Gladstoitb — oh I gr-r-r I likewise eugh ! ! I — 
incoherency here 

Is a symptom of patriot zeal, and a proof of state-yirtue 

Because Mr. GLADgroNE— oh I horror I the syllables make 

us feel bad, 
OhI stay us with P. Jf. 6^. leaders to saye us from going 

stark mad ! — 
Because Mr. GLADsroyB— 'twould seem as if Proyidence 

made a mistake 
In allowing poor innocent letters such concatenation to 

• ■ 1 1— 

-well,— is a,— dash it I oh, 

Because that man G. is 

where is the word 
To express what a honor he is, and how false and how 

base and absurd ? 
Because this unspeakable Blank, this Hiatus, this Asterisk 

Is so bent upon spiting Lord B., and on sending his 

country to smash. 
That eyery true man must Vote Blue, were it only to baffle 

: his game. 
Who, by post-cards and speeches at Stations, is bringing 

Old England to shame ! 1 1 


Ab nothing but politics will be talked until after the 
dose of the Elections, it might be well for the Ladies to 
get up the subject a little. With a yiew to the assistance 
of his fair friends, Mr, Punch suggests a few appropriate 
questions which they may ask at any social gathering with 
tne most pleasing effects. After each query the Lady 
has only to wait tor the answer. When a reply is finished 
she will put another poser. By this simple means she 
may obtain the reputation of b^ng '* quite a politician." 

What is the difference between Liberals and Conser- 
yatiyes, and Whigs and Tories P 

What has Mr. Gladstone been talking about at such 
an awM length ? 

Is Lord Beacokstibld reaUy such an awfully artful 
creature as the other side sayP 

Can you tell me aU about Home-£ule ? 

What has Mr. Cboss been doing with the Water Com- 

Why are the Scotch Members] always bothering about 
Hypothec P 

What do you think about our Foreign Policy? 

Will you put me up to all about the Isj^five Budgets P 

What <fo6« Sir Wilfrid liAWsoir want P 

Can you let me know some of the political allusions in 
tiie noyels written by the Premier P 

Why is eyery body so angry with eyerybody else P 

And oh I isn't it all quite too awfully dreadful f 

A Oheer for the Two Oolours. 

Could such early birds be jolly, 
Punch would say to both braye crews, 

Away with melanoholy. 
But a benison on the Blues I 

Their race they wisely put off. 
Lest through fog to grief they came ; 

If Election steam we shut off. 
For like cause, were we to blame P 

A Pabtt Crt {since Cabs to the PoU have been 
legalised).— ^^ Get your Carriage, Sir P'* 

The New Block Ststeic,— Making Speeches at Rail- 
way Stations. 

Is It P— Solution of tiie Political Problem.— Diz-jolntion. 




[MvRcn 27, 1880. 

As SHE WAS (1851). 



As 8HK IS VOW t 




(Not Noticed in the I^ew Act.) 

CoNDOLDVO with poor old Mrs. Corkwell (voter's wife) on her 
rheomatios, and promising to send her a specific which has heen 
in your familv for the last hundred and fifty years. 

Admiring the crewel-work of the Misses Lakblet when yon call 
for the third time to see their hrother (a wavering elector), and 
gazing in rapt surprise at the view (limited) from tneir drawing- 
room window. 

Baying the Poems— Whispers and Sighs-^ onr talented yonng 
townsman, Algeenon Brsoif Tbilleb, and reading them pre- 
vious to dining with his father, an influential and somewhat 
undecided constituent. 

Taking the chair and proposing a vote of thanks to Mr. Ltbll 
MxTBOHisoK DBAWLnros (^audsou of one of the oldest residents in 
the horough) for his highly . interesting, able, and instructive 
lecture, on the ** Geological Features of Oockletop and its vicinity." 

Yisitinff the Free Cframmar School founded by Edward the 
Sixth, where you received your education and an occasional blaok- 
eye, and securing the vote (or rather voice) and interest of every 
boy in the place, by be j:ging an immediate whole holiday. 

Dining. with the ancient and unanimous Order of Druidioal Odd 
Foresters (Court Pondioherry, No. 20185), and, in replying to the 
toast of your health, expressing, amid deafening cheers, your uncon- 
trollable longing to become an Honorary Member of the D. 0. F. 

Taking tickets for the Rifle Corps Ball, and dancing with the 
wives and daughters of those electors recommended to you bv your 
Committee, without the least regard to personal or intelfectnal 
charms or saltatory qualifications. 

Lunching with a dmerent elector every day of your canvass, and 
always praising the sherry. 

Attending the Anniversary of the Societf for the Amelioration of 

I Eastern Potentates and Peoples, and in an impressive speech moving 

the first Resolution, to the effect—** That this meeting desires to place 

upon record its unalterable adhesion to the principles which have so 

long animated the efforts and guided the exertions of the Society (and 
especially of the Cockletop Branch) in that vast field of usefulness 
sml lying open to it in the great Eastern horizon." 

Lighting a weed, and offering your cigar-case to that hard-headed 
artisan, Claohorn, the dyer^ while you endeavour to bring him over 
to your views on the question of Compulsory Vaccination, the one 
point on which you and he are not in accord. 

Having accepted an invitation to a social tea-party of the Dorcas 
Society, partaking, with heroic impartiality, of ^'the cup that 
cheers " and its attendant cake at each of the tables ; and then at 
the end of the entertainment sa3ring ** a few words " at the request 
of the Committee, and trying to be facetious on the subject of button- 

Hiring a spirited animal, and riding to the meet, at the Half-way 
House, of the Pilton Hounds, to ingratiate yourself with the sporting 
section of the constituency. With a like eye to business^ and at stiU 
greater poril to yourself and your companions, joining a party of 
young farmers to shoot rooks. 

Requesting the obliging local florist, Gilltflgwers, to send in 
every morning to your hotel a bunch of violets (your election oolour) 
for your button-hole. 

Subscribing to both the local papers— the Bulwark and the 
Watchdoff—Bsid swallowing, with undisturbed serenity, the syrup of 
the one and the vitriol of the other. 

Giving awa^r your photograph by thousands (great reduction on 
taking a quantity), with views of your country seat, first taking care 
to wnte your name at the bottom of every carte. 

Eisdng all the babies within your reach. 

A TretpaMer in Kidlathian. 

Master of tongue-fence I Good at will 

Our ears with sp^h to drown. 
Till all must own nim greater still ^^^^ t I 

Tongue-fence at breiUting down,I|^ v^riOOQ I * '^ 




Dinitizftd bv 


Digitized by 


Maboh 27, 1880.] 




Tat (o» Juaring a late Trial read to him). "Tovxmd thk BiimT sowir hbk 


Wat!" ITKt/eeUik/aiow had been driiiJcin{f. 


{In r&pJf/ to a Itequtsitwn from a body of Elector$ in^ 
vmng him to Become a Member of Parliament,) 


I HSREBT acknowledge the receipt of your 
application requesting me to stand for the representation 
of oar Connty. 

As the office of a Member of Parliament is laborions, 
tiresome, and unpaid, I am very loth to accept it. How- 
ever, since the men who solicit it are not fit for it, whereas 
I am, and^ being well-off and unemployed, can afford to 
take it, ii I were to refuse it I should decline a duty. 

But the work of a Member of Parliament is so nard 
and so heavy, that of the two situations I would really 
rather be saddled with that of High Sheriff. 

I hope, therefore, vou will ail understand that, in 
consenting to let myself be proposed as your Bepresenta- 
tiye, I confer upon you a very great favour. 

As my i>olitioal principles may not be known to every 
vot«r, I wxU sond a statement of them to a newsimper, 
wb«Dco jon cao, if you please, extract it, and print it 
for distnbutiou. If necessary, I will also declare my 
opinions at a public meeting, which can be called for 
that iiurpo.^. But, as they can be expressed in few 
worda, i sba.Il make only a short speech, not wishing, 
when I have LitUa to say, to let myself be known for a 
fool by my mnoh speaking. 

In makings that speech^ if I am interrupted by any 
flhouU, ones, or idle questions, I shall immediately hold 
mytongue, and retire. 

The expenses of orinting and publishing cards, cir- 
culars, and other advertisements reauesting people to 
vote for me must be paid by those who desire to have 
ne retumed. Mv constituents, or would-be constitu- 
ents, must also detray all other charges incidental to my 
election, or their attempt to effect that object. 

In conclusion. I oan oalj say, that nothing but a 
strong sense of the obligations of my position as an inde- 
peadoit man could induce me to undertake an employ- 
ment, which will withdraw me from mv occupations and 
amusements lor six months in the year, oesides compelling 
me to breathe much bad air and listen to much idle talk. 
nearly every night till past twelve o'dook, and often till 
three or four in the morning, 

I am, C^tlemen, your servant to command, 



It is a merey that the flurry of the moribund Parliament most be 
brief or there is no saying how much mischief it might do. in a 
week it has added £800,000 to the permanent debt, and £700,000 to 
the Probate Duties, making what was monstrously unfair already — 
probatum improbatum—vmsireT still, and has driven a processbn ol 
nack cabs right through the last Gornipt Practices Act. 

The sooner the sword of Damocles falls and puts Parliament out of 
power of misohief-makinff the better. The 8psa:exs has had the 
House all but to himself occasionally ; but unluckily there were 
always lust enough Members present, or within call, to do mis- 
chief. Once, on Monday, it came to a literal tete-a-tete between 
the C9iair and Sir Gbobgb BiLLFOUB, till Mr. Callak moving a 
Count, brought in the needed forty from the back-slums of the 

What last drops of Essence Punch and the Speaxbe between them 
have been able to distil, must needs be Uaok and bitter— the lees of 
lees, the dreffs of an effete Parliament in a hurry to wind up its work 
anyhow, and be gone to its electioneering. 

Monday, March 15 (Zor^fo).— Lord BuET re-assured the Volun- 
teers. The Government have discovered that the only barrier be- 
tween our Citizen soldiers and their £aster-Monday Review is a War 
Office regulation, whioh can be abrogated as easily as it was made. 
The only days armed men may not meet are nomination and polling 
days, and the first will not come at Brighton before Easter Tuesday. 
So on Easter Monday the Colonels' backs, whioh were up in the sulks, 
will be down on the Downs, twenty thousand of our army of De- 
fence not Defiance will overfiow London-Super-Mare, much hard 
money will be spent, and much blank-cartndge burned, and the 
British Constitution will survive it. Why the Government did not 
find out sooner that this was possible. Lord Bttxt did not tell us. 

Perhaps hints that a good many v olunteers carry votes in their 
knapsacks may have shiui>ened their wits. But there has not the 
less oeen a gross bungle somewhere. 

Lord RxDBSDALs did his best to stop the Second Beading of the 

Hypothec Abolition Bill to which, it being a useful and urgent 
measure, pressed for by the best tenants, and reviled by the worst 
landlords, his Lordship is constitutionally opposed. The Lobd 
Chajtokllos rode down his ** Non-Content." Lord Rbdbsdals, 
always an ImpraeticaUe, seems bent of late on rising to the dignity 
of an Obstructivs. He has causrht it sharply over the knuckles from 
the Woolsack, and has deserved his wiggmg. 

Lord OnAmcoBB ingeniously turned the Beaoonsfieldi Manifesto 
against its author. Ii Ireland was in the state described in that 
remarkable document-— which Lord O&akmorb backed up by the 
unimpeachable evidence of Mr. Secretary Lowthieb's Kendall 
speech — threatened with a conspiracy worse than pestilence or 
famine, why didn't the Government give her the comfort of a 
Coercion Act to put down Agrarian crime, and protect loyal lives ? 

Lord Bbaconsfield hadn't the slightest idea what Lord OBAincoBB 
was driving at. The law in Ireland was strong enough to repress 
disorder. Lord 0. had vindicated Lord B.'s letter ** in a manner 
vtry grateful to his feelings." (To be sure he had I Had he not 
taken it au sMenxf What oould be more gratifying?) Then 
Lord Strath EDEN and CAiiPHEit— <?^ tu PruteJ—uie fnend of 
Turks and Treaties ^ proceeded to scarify the Eastern policy of 
tiio Government, laying down with cruel candour Proposition I. 
That Her MajeRty^a CloVermaeat ^^re in a great measure respon- 
sible for tbe war between llossia and Turkey: Proposition II. 
That the Treaty of Berlin was fatal to the maintenance of Ottoman 
Authority on the Bosphonis : Proposition III. That the said Treaty 
raieed almost iiEisnperabk abstacles to onj new and well considered 
combination by which the BoBphoTua might be guarded— Q.jB. 2>. 
All of which, though Punch does most potently and powerfully 
believe^ yet he holds it not honesty to have it so set down by the 
moat oonyiiioed and candid of diplomatic Jingoes. 

On Ijord Strath K den's hint Lord Grakvillb spoke— first ^ving 
their Lordships a neat difise^otion of ^ the Dublin Manifesto, which he 
compared to a bit of cleTe? seen e*p minting meant to teU at a dis* 
tartije, then pasainif in review I^rd IUiacoksfibld's foreign policy, 
which he oontended had neitht>t Mcurad European ^eace nor esta- 
bliahed English aaoendenay* He prophesied Ministerial discomfiture 



[March 27, 1880. 

at the Eleotions. They had not taken the conntrv into their oon- 
fidenoe, and the conntry would retOTt. Bnt he felt no doubt (who 
doesnt that, whaterer Qovemment came back from the country, 
would maintain England's honour and England's unity. 
LordBsAOOKSFiKLD replied, that Lord Stbathedkit andCAVPBELL's 

speech was made up all along of assumptions yamished with local 
colour. His conclusions might be sound, if his assumptions had had 
a base, which they had not. His poliov began and ended in war. The 
object of the QoTemment had been all along, and was still, not to go 
to war. Lord Campbell had asked for a copy ef a letter from Shxkb 


\hN ^^v. 


Alt to the Bitltak. which was an impudent forgery, and known 
to be so. Yet on that rotten peff haa been hung not only Lord 
Stbathbdxk's impeadiment of the Oovemment policy, but Lord 
Gbahtills's ''amiable remarks on public affairs." Uovemment 
had good and sufficient reasons for mssolying, Mr. Cboss's Water 

Bill not being one of them. Had Lord B. thought water oould haye 
washed away a Parliament, he would have felt that the country was 
in danger ! His Dublin letter had been well weighed and sinoerely 
felt The policy of the late Goyemment had embarrassed the Ad- 
ministration, and the language of some of the Opposition— present 

UAhoa 27, 1880.] 




(Bell rings,) 

OUy Oeni (through Telephone). " Yis."— (JW«««w.)— " Oh I— ehI "— (^w««w.)— " Ah!— ehI— I don't quite Wkat V'^Lidem 

again.)-—** Can't bxab what you bat V^— (Likens.)—-** JJm. J— bh ?— conf Hibe,— «rop A Minute I— I'll send a Clerk bound 


oompany always exoepted— had enoouraged the belief j abroad that 
Engiana was diYided at home. 

Cords lEiKBEBLsr, Cbanbbook, Ripon, Caibns, and Belbobnb, 
took part in one of the smartest little eoneiones ad populum the 
Upper House has turned onL and, as usual, our Lords, in the oonduct 
of their last week, stand in farourable oontrast with our Commons. 
(Common^.)-— A'calm oorrectionof one of Qoyemment's blunders— 
about the Easter Monday Volunteer Review— by the Commons' oool of 
the eyening, Sir John Holkxe ; and a calm oommittal, by Sir Staffobd 
NosTHCOTE, of another and more serious one, the addition of £700,000 
to the'monslarously cruel and unjust probate duties on personalty, 
on the plea of relieving smaller estates at the expense of larger. 

Mr. Gladstone protested against this tampering with an iniquit- 
oualy unfair impoiBt, which wanted thorough over-hauling. He 
showed how the alteration would make bad rather worse than better, 
both as regarded the pressure on small properties and the unfair 
distinction between personal and real estate. He knew his protest 
would be useless, but must make it for comfort of his consdenoe. 

Mr. Ghildebs badced Mr. Gladstone in his protest against Bill 
and Budget. 

Sir Selwin Ibbetson and Mr. Hfbbabd tried to set up a case for 
the Budget, though the latter would have nothing to say to the Bill, 
and gave it up as a bad job. 

Mr. Waddt critioisea, and the Changellob of the Exchsqueb 
did his best to defend the Budget. It was painful to see Sir Staf- 
pobd's efforts to wriggle out of the mess, ne had not extinguished 
the Sinking Fund, only diverted it for five years. The Government 
had diminished debt— they really had, thouffh it mightn't be so easy 
to prove it in figures, and ought to be thanked for not having 
increased taxation. The country was hard up, ;^ and preferred 
borrowing to uaying. 

After some oesultory talk, durinfr which the House dwindled down to 
one and the Chair, indefatigable Sb Geobob Balfoub being left, like 
a senatorial Atlas, to bear the Collective Wisdom on his single pair of 
Bhonlders, the Bill was read a Second Time, and the House skedaddled. 

Tuesday (Lords). — Lord Campbbdown pleaded for the poor 
water-dnnkers of the Metropolis, helpless in the hands of the 
hydra of the Companies, who can go on raising rates with 
rentals, till it seems likely to oome to a mournful two-part song of 
** Bricks and Mortar all around, and not a House to take I ^* and 
" Watery water^ allaround, and not a drop to drink / " — exoept lor 
the bloated milhonnaires who don't care, how much they pay either 
for their house-room or their Adam's Ale. Now that lur. Cbose's 
Bill was crossed out, was there, Lord Caicpebdown asked, to be no 
buffer between water-sellers and water-buyers P 

Earl Beauchamp rather re^tted the new Bill, which he thought 
had been unfairly strangled in the birth, but said that whenever a 
new Parliament met. Water must be one of its first oares. 

(Common^.)— To the fag-end of a House the Bill for legalising 
Cab-corruption went into Committee. 

Never was a more audacious abuse of the o^portnnitieB of an 
expiring Parliament and an overwhelminflr majority, than this un- 
handsome driving of hansoms and muoh-growled-at invasion of 
growlers, over the body of the law. Say what they will, it is a 
chani^e calculated, if not meant, to catch cab-mastenr votes, and to 
givo a Etmiiff piili to lonfj purses. 

The Eofifliab OppoBitioxL. being divided, protested in vaiUt bat 
8<K^tch ana Irifih vatos, tha tirst aountry being unanimous, the second 
past praying for* were MucceBEful in. takiug these oountries out of 
the Bill, into which an ill-advised amendment of Sir JoHir HoL- 
X hut's had bToug-ht them-^tlio Bill having been originally framed for 
EnprlnndonlT. Walea prot^f^t^d she wa^ at least as poor, and as 
honest aa either Sootlana or Irelatid, but eould not get out. So after 
various Bivimous the Bill passed through Committee, and the Elec- 
tion Law of England ia the worse by another advantage secured to 
lon^ purser, and another faciHty piveu for indirect purchase of 
vot^a. But if Tory voters submit to be ^^ven, let Opposition 
voters walk to the poll, and a^top of their Ministerial Opponents I 

Wednesday (Lords). — A. Lordly passage of arms over the 
Hypothec Bill, in which Lord Caisns called Lord Redehdat.e al. 



[Maboh 27, 1880. 

dog in the manger who objected to the Bill at erery stage, soffgeeted 
nothing b^ way of amendment, and oontributed nothing in the way 
of diBonssion. 

Lord Rbdesdalb retorted that it was discreditable to the dignity 
of Parliament to hnrry Bills through the Upper Honse with amend- 
ments of which nobody, except, perhaps, the Noble Lord on the 
Woolsack and his colleagnee. nnaerstood a word. 

The Duke of Richkond lectured Lord Esdbsdalb for using the 
word '* discreditable " of anytiiing that happened in that exalted 

To Mr. Punch it seems a very pretty miarrel as it stands, with a 
a uite unusual amount of truth on both sides— another peculiarity of 
tne Parliamentary bickerings of the Peerage. 

(CommofM.)— Ihr. Caxsboh tried to stop the passage of the CalNi 
through the Election Law. In vain, of course. 

General Shttb took the line that the Bill was niMiit only to do 
justice to the poor, the feeble, and the hard-working of the coasti- 
tuents in the Hg boroughs— was, in fact, a boon to the working 
man I (Cool assertion.) 

Sir H. HoLLAiTD charged Dr. Camksok with obstniotion to Us 
attempt to stop the Bill. (Cool proceeding.) 

While forcing the Probate Duty Bill through CommitlMk pliable Sir 
Staffobd alteied his scale of duties. We are used to tkk whenorsor 
anything can be altered. All Sir Siavfobb's scales are slidiikg 
scues, including his scales of justice^ in which probate duties— as 
they stapd— howeyer tinkered m details, hare no place* 

Thursday (Lords),— Lard Rbdbhdalb had a parting gfowl and 
gird at the Hyuotheo BilL which the Lobd Changbllob eonrteooaly 
said showed that he had nerer read the Bill, and know nothing 
about it. 

AKogether, ihe relatians between the noble Chairman of Cononit- 
tees tmd the nahh Lord on tiie Woolsack seem growing strained in 
tlie highest posaibb degree ; and if it should come to fistioufls I^— 

{Common3.)—Sir St AFFORD promised Lord HiBnireToir to see 
what he could look np that would be producible from the Greek 
papers, though the frontier aegotiations between Turk and Hellene 
are »till dra^ jnnrr their slow length along, and promise to do so till 
tho GTeek Kakndfl. 

^ Tlie Hou.'ie then set to ramming on Baron RAMMmesir's Katura- 
li^ation Act, Tiie Baran, approved bv our Qubbk under the Royal 
Marriage Act, is to be the future husband of the handsome Princess 
Fbxdbbica, daughter of the ex-Eing of HAifOYBB, whom Lord 
Bbacoksfibld proclaims the fittest for an Empress of all liying 
Ladies of blood Royal. 

Mr. JBinairs was reUeved by Sir Siaffobd's assurance— solely on 
the spur of the moment thougn— that we were not going to giye this 
fair and excellent Princess a aowry. 

The Cab Bill was driven througn a Third Reading, after a final 
protest from Mr. AjrDEBSoir. 

The dodge deserves to fail. May the cabs cost the Ministerial 
Gandidatee no end, and not bring them in victorious ! And may 
Opjbosition Yoters magnanimously decline any convevanoe to the 
PoU but shauks's nag, and show they can ride to tiie nead of it On 
that austere animal! 

Friday (Zorcb).— Flemished up some loose ropes. 
{Commons,)— MUx a hoist of the old repeal flag by Colonel The 
0*GoBMAjr M!ahon, adjourned to Wednesday next. 


Mb. Pttnqh, 

Dm ye read the disgusting intelligenoe just now wired from 
Philadelphia, that— 

** Hie FroteetiTe Union of S«n Frandsoo has completely demoraliied Mr. 
DmiKis Kbabitbt's Sand Lot agitaton, who no longer pnnne their fonner 

inoendiary course Mr. DmrNis Ebaritbt, oonyioted of luing inoen- 

dianr UuigQa|e, was to-day lentenoed to nz months' impriaonment and 
1000 dollars' fine. The aentenoe sorpriaed Mr. Kbabn ar, who expected only 
a nominal pmuahment." 

No man bearing the name of Ebabhbt^ I'll go bail, was ever 
heard to use language in reality incendiary at alL Neither has 
incendiary language at any time issued from the mouth of any man 
named Dbhkis. 

'' Oh, hare you not heard of Katb Ebabnbt, 
She lived on the banks of Killamey P " 

Sure, never did any namesake of that gentle creature, albeit of the 
masculine gender, permit violent language, properly so called, to 
escape the palinffs of his teeth. Mr. ababjot was naturall]^ sur- 
prised at finding nil harmless philliloo taken in earnest, and mmself 
basely sent to gaol for six months, and brutally fined a thousand 
dollars. Any follower of our f acetiouB friend, ^. Pabitbll, would 
be as surprised to find that he had come in for similar consequences 
through having given vent, say at an anti-landlord election meet- 

ing to jocular vituperation, unfortunatelv mistaken by a dense 
and dull Court of Justice for incendiary language. It is all our 
playfulness, Mr. Punch, 

Believe me, Sir, yours truthfully, 

Phbldc OToolk. 


Eajsteb Mobdat, 1880. 

Of one most formidable foe, 
Catanrh, do pray be wary I 

And promise me, oh. promise me, 
Lest o'er thfrtreadnereus Channel 

Insidious mists should fall on thee. 
Not to forget thy flannel I 

What if thy comrades jibe and jeer I 
Heed not their heartless modongs. 

I ask thee, with a gathering tear, 
To wear thy woollen stockings ! 

And oh, remember this, my love. 
When glory shall have crowned thee» 

There 's damp below, East wind above. 
So keep thy muffler round thee I 

ONB moment, 
dear, before 
thou part 
To fight thy 
country* a 
While I relieye 
my anxioiis 

With lov- 
ing, vnfdy 

One sweet 


my fears ; 
One baln my 

care can 

One precioua 

thought re- 

straina my 

The while my 


tighten — 

At Duty's can 
if thou must 

To London- 


Mb. Feakb Buckland informs us that on the momin|: of Friday 
last week a whale, between thirty-five and fortv feet long, a very 
large beast, and covered with bamades, ran foul of the Admiralty 
Her at Dover. This interesting creature '* spouted, and made a 
noise like a steam-whistle of large size, and a fog-horn sound. *' 

What a seasonable utterance on the eve of a General Election! 
How many candidates for the representation of oonstituenoies are 
now in course of spouting also, and with about as much meaning 
for intelligent minds as the whale which made thoee noises I 

BTBAnmrch at a okat. 

MABnra a fuss about mustering twenty thousand Volunteers 
under arms, yet putting all the householders of England under 


Mere houl. 

DBFiBinoK nr Buno' 

'8 DmiMI^I^ai^Sz^Q.QSl&Pot. 


Apbil 3, 1880.] 




(An SleeUon Appedl/rom Head Quarters,) 

Arch^Mysiagogue^ loquitur. 


Friends, Britons, Countrymen, lend me yonr ears I 
(They beat good BoUonCe own f) list, list, do liltl 
[And let me Mywork upon yourfeare^ 

Pinnaoled on the piyot of its fate. 

England doth oscillate. 
'Twixt starry splendonr toAdSgringolade — 
Disastrous downfall I Urgent my adyioe is, 
Dash dumb Yahoos who long hare yawped and yah'd 

Against Imperialism ! 
Limp Liberals whose loud litigious sohism 
Must end in chaos, orash, sheer cataclysm I 
Horrors are out I I hare a special organ 
Detective of all shapes of Demogorgon ; 
And the wild way in which those shapes are flocking, 

Is, I assure you, shocking. 
Yet do not funk or feel unoomf ortable, 
To deal with them I— I alone— am able ; 
The one sane yoioe amidst a blatant Babel, 

The one unfailing cable, 
Ship-sariour though the barque be tempest-tost^ 

Lose me and aU is lost ! 
Dangers P Great Heaven, I 'm bound to be oracular, 
I dare not trust myself to the vernacular. 
Pregnant and compound polysyllables only, 

Aided by artful ant alliteration^ 
Dare I deal forth. Lord of the situation, 
Ludferous leader luminous but lonely, 
like firm-based beacon amidst boisterous billows I 
Danger P You could not rest upon your pillows 
Did you but know what I,— but no, I spare you, 

I 've no desire to scare you ! 
Russia! The Radicals ! ! The rude Home-Rulers 1 1 ! 
(The new "Three R'b" of England's sole sound 

There 's a tremendous triad of vague terrors ! 1 1 
If they " consolidate co-operation," 
Slav hate, Gladstonian gush, mad Erin's eRtxn 

Will soon smash up the Nation. 
They 're the three terms of a demoniac triidty 

Whose natural affinity 
Must lead to Coalescence. As for him. 
That sour, sophistio, savage son of Siva* 
Koctivagating newly in the North, 
Could he be stripped as bare as poor €h)diva, 
Touched with Ithuriel's spear, what should come forth, 
From all his wrappages of wild loguadty P~ 
A monster of malignant mad mencC&city I 
Caliban playing Prosvero I Good gracious I 
He 's a word-deluge threatening to overwhelm 
England, and bring rank Ruin on the Realm. 

My followers, sweetly, sheepishly sequacious 
Of Me, 
That the Arch-Fiend in Scottish breeks, the Rubs, 
Robed as a Tory, vlue Pabnxll, with pinions, 
A triad were less dangerous to us. 

And our fair Qxtbsn's dominions. 
Than him of the Three Courses, each one leading 
To— but to name the place were scarce good breeding I 
Bat 'tis the goal of Grood Intentions. Therefore 
Let all who England's heavenward tending care for, 
Yote for the deft devoted demon-oueller, 
The second-sighted seer of spectral foes, 

Whose nose 
Of Brobdingna^ian rats is shrewdest smeller ; 
The patent Anti-Ogre Isle-protector, 

Ithuriel Imp-inspector, 
Brave Banshee-vanisher. stout scourge of evil. 
Great Ghoul-detective, dab at demonology, 
And general foe of Gladstons and the Devil, 

(Though that 's tautology) 
In fact vote — ^plump for Me, my poor John Bttll 
if you 'd not sup on horrors full, choke-full 1 1 
{And if that does not /etch the fogged old fogey, 
PU say there is no virtue left tn JSogey /) 

{Conversation for 1887.) 

If Lobd B.'s Lease is RxvEwia). 

Did I understand you that France, Russia, Austria, Turkey, and the United 
States had all simultaaeouiily declared war with us this afternoon f 

When will the next batch of Sepoys arrive at Warping ? 

Does it astonish you to hear that the Income-Tax is only five-and-ninepence 
in the pound P 

The Alliance with Monaco ii so advantageous that it might have beoi con- 
ceived by a Maghiavxlli. 

How capitally the country gets on without a House of Commons I 

Which dungeon in the Tower is occupied by the Editor of the Daily News f 

The Six white Elephants, ridden by the Duke of BxAOOKaFiELD, are nearly 
the finest in the Row. 

On what day does Lord Ltttojt make his first appearance with his Indian 
jugglery, at the Canterbury ? 

There is something really very Imperial about all this diowy statesmanship. 

Is that the Music Hall Singer dining with the Cabinet ? 

Surely those two hxmdred thousand foreign troops landing at Heme Bay, 
are not arriving merely to take apartments P 

I am extremely proud of the efforts some one has made to promote the 
ascendency of England. 

Dear me, was that a shell exploding in the back garden P 

What do you say to adjourning to the coal-cellar, and singing *^ Rule 
Britannia " in whispers P 

If that Awful W. E. G. Cabbies the Day. 

Did I understand irou to say that five more of the Colonies had declared 
their independence this afternoon P 

How can I help dancing the hornpipe, with the Inoome-Tax at only a half- 
penny in the pound P 

This boy of fifteen appears to have the franchise. 

Why is the dis-established Archbishop of Cahtebbubt obliged to give 
Shakspearian Readings P 

Is It the terror oi further domestic legialatiim that ha« obliged the friends of 
yondflor householder to look him up in nanwell P 

I do not like this new tax on umbrella handles. 

It is extEMDi^ thoughtful ox the Prime Ministtf to iig^t the fire wiUi the 

Is it a pariy of frozen-out bricklayers, or of our represontatives at Foreign 
Courts, who are informing the neighbourhood in chorus that they have *' got no 
work to do.*' 

I am not surorised that the Turk has declined Cyprus with thanks. 

Now that the Game Laws are revised, we get partrioges at £1 17«. ^d. 
a brace in ]U>nd Street. 

Who could have guessed that the Home-Rule Parllaoiflnt would have so 
speedily beheaded Mr. Pabkell P 

Why has the Duke of Midlothian reduced the price of post-cards to one half- 
penny a dozen P 

Can that be an iUustiious Nobleman from Argyll, playing an lo Paan on 
the bagpipes over the collapse of our Indian Enupire P 

The reception of the Hero of Berlin into tsae Order jfd Doauing Dervishee 
will be a very imponiig oaremony • 


''-"StoreiJ'^%L?4iiQe?l' ^ 

VOL. Lzxvm, 



[Apbil 3, 1880. 



One more last dribble of Mng speeeheB. Last week Punch flat- 
tered Himself all was over ; ont the Lords bad their " flurrj' '* on 
Monday {March 22), and mana^ to make a liyely night of it, be- 
tween legalising* a new oormptioiL and sqnashing an old delusion. 
Amongst other Bills to be crammed through their remaining stages 
—(Bills are not like post-horses, bnt oan go anj number of stages on 
end, if the House will only susp^and Standing Orders)— was the Cab- 
Corruption Billf whioh Lord O^Hagait objeoting to, as the hasty 
reversal of a pohoy adopted in 1867 and re-affirmed yery ddiberately 
in 1872 and 1875, Loras Chahbbook and Bbacohsfibld defended 
with as admirable ooolness as oyer Chabd and Bboichsab defended 
Borke's Drift. 

The law as it stood, ther said, was anomalous and imperfect. It 
allowed cabs for County Y oters, why not for voters in big boroughs P 
Practically, the thing was done at all Borough Elections : and who 
was the worse for it ? There being no legal penalty attaoned to the 
breaking of the law in this matter, tiie law, in not, is regularly 
broken. The ohdoe of the Government lay between makmg uie law 
effective, and doing away with it On the whole, they thought it 
best to do away with it. After all, it would be a neat comfort and 
convenience to the working man to be carried to the polling-booth, 
instead of walking to it Under protest from Lcnr^i Gsahtillb 
andLAHsnowKB, and in the teeth ox a Motion by Lord Kdcbbklet, 

that the Bill be read that day three months, it was carried by 39 to 
24— the last, and one of the worst acts, in a small way, of a highly 
unsatiitfactory Parliament. 

[Punch does not remember ever to have heard the doctrine to un- 
blushingly kid down that a law having been extensively violated, 
not because it was bad, but because it had stupidly been lut without 
statutory penalty attached, had better be done away with than 
amended by appending a p^ialty. But the legalisation of convey- 
ances favours the long-pursed candidates, andthey favour the Go- 
vernment And, as one good turn deserves another, the Government 
favours them. 

This cynical defiance of legislative i^rinciple deserves to be defeated 
by results, as Punch heartily hopes it may be. Maj Independence 
and Honesty, on Shanks's nag, outstrip Corruption in its cab— even 
though escorted to the Poll by Bespeotability in its s^ I] 

The Duke of BuTLiin), that honest and unpractical Bourbon of 
the Peerage, who has learnt nothing andforjsotten nothing, gave vent 
to a last expiring plea for Protection, arguing at great length that 
Free Trade.was a mistake— that England had lost much, or gainsd 
nothing worth speaking of, while mnce had gained enormously, 
under Cobbxk's Treaty; that trade could never revive nor a^cnl- 
ture survive unless we narked back to the old lines of Protection, or, 
at least, its modem substitute, Bedprooity. 
'-^^^^^ 0- 

AfBiL 3, 1880.] 



' *^v ',; ;, ., 




A4iMafU hytf!nrring to yimng Militia Ofiar aUaehsd fir inrirudtimi), *' SxaaxAin', Kb. Skzfuko bomr't bum to m QXTToro OM 


Sergeant (DriU-Ingtrudar). ** It's mot mt Faitlt, Sib, whatbybb I Yov oahbt bzpbot it WHBir Bii Etbi is ooBTDnrALLT 


The Maxq|ds of Hbbtfobd laid ditto to the Duke of Rutlavd, and 
the Barl of Bbaoonsfibld,— ^it^um mutatus ab tUo JETector*.— who 
had onoe led the young Marqnu of Gbambt to battle under the imnner 
of Pioteotion, and from whoee annonry the old Duke liad drawn the 
weapons so impotentbr flonrifihed this night, dvilly, oonrteonalY, and 
Tonnd-ahont-tne-lmamly, bnt yet remorselessly, nrooeeded to Imoek 
the poor belated Dnke's n<mes and argnments on the head. 

Beoiproeity was impossible now that we had no import duties to 
snrrender. The pruent ory from the land was dne to the reoent 
agiienltoral depression ; agrionltnral depression was due to bad 
haryests ; bad narresto to bad weather ; let all these mend, and dis- 
tress would diminish, and the ory would oease. The real remedy 
was to fiiTe the tenant farmer seourity for capital invested in the 
land, and to adjust his load of taxation to his back. (A word for 
the County Eleotors.) 

It would be time enough to talk of the legislatiye changes need- 
ful to enable the English farmer to face competition, when we knew 
ezaothr what oompetition he had to face. 

And so exit the poor Duke, snuffed out, but neither comforted nor 

Lord DiTMBATBir deliyered himself of a final protest— though 
a little after the fair— against our taking Herat ourselyes or letting 
Persia oooupy it, which would, in effect, hand it over to Russia, the 
Persian Oat, like other cats, Jiaying a way of letting He-rats slip 
throurii ito daws after gntbbing them. 

Ixnd CBAinsBOOK saidhe was disposed to agree with Lord Ditk- 
BATBir. The Goremment—sanguine souls I--looked forward to a 
speedr and satisfaotory paoification of Afghanistan. 

And aU this heayy nighf s woric and nifl^'s talk their Lordships 
got through by half -past eight. 

Wedneeday (Zon2f).— The Lords Commissioners being duly assem- 
bled to read the Quxbr's Speech Proroguing Parliament— '* Pro- 
rogue ^has an ugly sound— the CommoBs tried to make a House, 
butoouldn't muster above eight-and-twenty to reodye Black Bod. 

Thin this rump of an expiring Parliament haying been duly 

whipped to the Bar of the House of Lords, by Black Bod ("desired" 
not^^required" to attend, to the great comfort of Sir Q. Bowteb), 
the LoBD Chaitobllob read the vIubbh's Speech, expressing Heb 
Majbstt's deep sense of the zeal and ability of her Six Tears' Par- 
liament now prorogTung ; her friendly fordgn relations. " so fayour- 
able to the maintenance of tranquillity in Europe "— (Aotr about the 
ominous hintt m Lord B, '« mantfeeto f) ; her confident hopes of 
speedy settlement in Afghanistan — (*' Settlemente " in butldinoe 
qeneraUy mean eraeke, and eometmee eat€utrophes^ your M<^'esty) ; 
her satinaction in assenting to the Acts for the relief of Irish distress ; 
her joy in observing the indications of approaching revival of trade 
and commerce ; the sympathy with which she has witnessed the wide- 
spread agricultural airtress, and the patience with wMoh it has been 
borne ; her trust in Heaven for a favourable harvest this year, and 
for f^ood to come out of the Agricultural Commisdon ; and, finally, a 
fervid prayer for the Electors of Great Britain— (iio^ yet yaet praying 
/or)— that they may be guided by Heaven in their choice of repre- 
sentatives^-to which raayer Punch appends as fervent an *' Amen ! '' 
as, with tL**ZejRoi Parliament eet mart ! "— " Vwe U Itai Parlia- 
ment .'" he breaks his whito wand, and waits the unsealing of the 
Seal of the Collective Wisdom, whose collection will begin aoout All 
Fools* Day ! And then will come the sweeping dean hy the new 
iHTooms of the formidable accumulation d litter, which tms bad old 
Parliament has left behind it I 

Obiit, Wednesday, March 24, 1880, 

Affed Six Years and Nineteen Days, 

The l^inth Parliament of Queen Victobia, 

Leaving bdund it 

An unfruitful record of meritorious Acts, 

And an unpleasant memorj;^of Misemployed Opportunities. 

Bjtals roB thb Elbgiiok Boast. 

.— JingoTLingo, and Stmgo. 



[Apbil 3, 1880. 



Indigent PaMtt, " I 'n OOT HO fault to fihb with th« Pat ; bitt I 'd sooim Stabts thax 
MAKE A Sandwich of mt P&inciplbs.'' 


Dbas Mb. PuHCH, 

It is gTfttifyiiif to lu to lemi 
from yoi^ for the first time, how our 
pky endiB. Inferior pemna ms we 
are, we wrote this elosmg speech for 
Sir H^ae$ after Stephanu^s de- 
parture — *'My wife, I haye fairly 
woayoal" which was wont to pleaae 
the andienoe. But somebody else 
wanted the last word, so that waa 
oat oat, not by as. The oonclosicm, 
then, becoming idiotic, (one of as was 
remonstrated with by a •*Pablio" 
on the impotence of oar finish), it 
was restored, and, till now, we f ondhr 
imagined that it remained. After all, 
we wrote it. The end described by 
yoor worthy RepresentatiTe strikes 
OS as the most idiotic yet devised; 
bat, no donbt, somebody else will yet 
supply a worse. 

As for the final exit of Siephaniet 
which yoa so graphically deaoribe, 
it is in all respects precisely what 
we didn't intend, ana don't like. 

If yoa were a Dramatist, Mr. 
Punch (bat indeed being eTerything 
of course Toa are), your humorous 
soul would be mach impressed by 
the common bdief of our Actors in 
their superior knowledge of oar art, 
as well as of their own. On the 
stage eyerybodv, except the Author, 
knows the Author's business. Why 
on earth, then, doesn't eyerybody, 
exoept the Author, write plays? 

Yours, with respect, 

Teb Authobs op "FoBaKi 
MM Nor." 

Thb xost Lbabhsd Doctor of 
thb Dat.— Father Thames. He has 
fogged both Oxford and Cambridge. 


JFor Hobbyholme, 

For the last month the preparations in this important borough 
hare been of the most aotiTe character. The most energetio Can- 
didate, if not most popular, is unquestionably Mr. Pjucklbs, a 
gentleman of the laraett posnble views. Mr. Pbicklss has si>ent a 
considerableportionof his time in reoeiving depatations, and giving 
promises. He is strongly supported by every one with a grievance. 
Pledged to put down Co-O|>eration, and to prevent Shipowners 
from having their own way in anything, he is the chosen &epre- 
sentative of the Anti-Contagious Diseases Association, the Anti- 
Vaccination and Anti - Tiviseotion Societies, the Societies for 
Curtailing the Free Actbu of the Publicans, the Private House 
Owners and Occupiers, the Tinkers, the Tailors, the Plooghbovs, and 
the Apothecaries. He has undertaken to bring in Bills to alter all 
the trade arrangements of the Bakers ; and he is a strenuous opponent 
of the praoticalmonopoly so long enjoyed by the Candlestiok-KyLers. 
It is said by his embittered pohtical enenues that his apjpearance in 
the House is likely to threaten the comfort, if not tiie interests, of 
every class of the community. His prinaiples in Foreign AfEairs are 
those ox Non-intervention. 

Jbr t\0 Bawhe9 DUtriH Burghs, 
A calm, bat intense, enthusiasm prevails in this district. Mr. 
Pawdb is the favourite Candidate. His views are cautioua and 
praoticaL On Disestablishment, while opposed to all Erastian 
views, he is strongly in favour of giving to Casab the things that 
sre Cjuab's, at the same time he does not advocate the forcing of 
domplioated questions prematurely to the front, and acts, in short, 
9n the spirit of Wordsworth's Hues: — 

«*They also serve who only stand and wait." 

Mrs. Pawdb is a zealous member of the Free Kirk, while Mr. P. 
sontinues to frequent the old Established Kirk of his fathers, but he 
18 quite impartial in his dealings with the charities and benevolent 
institutions of all bodies in the burghs, being strongly opposed to 

alms-giving in all forms, and strongly in favour of the good old 
Scottish pnnciples of frugality and independence, and the sound 
wiiLTitn^ *< that every crock should stand on its ain bottom." 

Mr. Pawub is opposed to Hypothec, while he feels that the rights 
of the landlord riiould be faQy guarded, and the interests of all 
the creditors of Uie occupier duly secured. He is prepared to 
sapport Mr. Aonsw's Bill, but will not oppose Mr. Barclay's 
Amendments, if upon consideration he can see his way to support 
them. He is in favour of the fullest measure of civil and religiooa 
liberty* but would not sanction anv relaxation of the solemn sanc- 
tities of the Sabbath to which Scotland has owed so much of her 
distinctive position in the Empire, as well as the prosnerity of her 
sons in all branches of trade, commerce and industry. He is opposed 
to all unnecessary inteiference with the liberty of the subjeot, 
whether in or out of trade, while in favour of checking all facilities 
for intemperance and vidous indulgence among the working olassea. 

In foreign policy Mr. Pawrie would cautiously abstain mm com- 
promising the name and character of Great BritaiiL, while throwing 
the full weiffht of her influence into the soak of national aspirations 
and national Uberty all over the world. 

Some unthinking opponents of Mr. Pawkib call his scheme of 
political opinion ^'wersh'* (the term for porridge insufficiently 
salted), and contrast it with the abundant eloquence and flerv fervour 
of Mr. Gladstorb's candidature, so acceptable to the Liberal electors 
of Midlothian. But the majority of the Bawbee District of Burghs 
are a cautious, practical, self-regarding, and self-respecting bOdf, 
who ]»refer the mitis sapierUia of Mr. Pawrie to the ** perfsrvidum 
mgenmm " and somewhat tumultuous and turbulent enthusiasm of 
the aspirant to Lord Dalrbith's hereditary county-seat. 

Jbr Taftf-ofi-oimf-riiMs. 
MiSTiR O'Flather (who prefers to be called The O'Flaterr)* 
having very satisfactory evidence in his own possession of his 
family's lineal descent from the chief of Ihe sept--if he should not 
be rather called the king of the region owned and ocoupied by the 
sept in the Milesian times, before the Tuatha na Danaan— may be 
cslled the candidate of the native afteottons ol this impassioned 
population. It is not safe to say that black's the white ol The^ 

April 3, 1880.] 




Fre$-Kvrk Divine (of advanced opinions, who has recently introduced an Organ 
into his Cho^l). *' I 'm sob&t to hiab, Mrs. MoGbawlt, that tov asb bt 


Fair Beggiie {indignant at the Pastor* s latest iniquity). ** Eibk, indsbd 1 


Hundbb' again without THB Whu8tlb% I 'xji tak' ma' Spbbbitual Comfobt 

AT HaMB I " 


In an instmotiye Eetnm indicating^ Tery general 
malvenation of Civio paxoohial funds from the charitable 
purposes for which they were oriffmally destined to those 
of eating and drinking, a Royal CJominiBsion, quoted in 
the TimeSf partLcularises a dinner given in St. Botolph's, 
Aldgate. by the Churchwardens, out of supplies voted by 
the vestry, at an expense of £60 annuaUy ; the vote 
being generally exceeded in actual cost bv some £30. 
This banquet is held ** on visiting the tombs." ^ In an- 
other parish, the Commissioners tell us, eight wine mer- 
chants are employed by the local Government, their 
ei^ht bills, in 1879, having amounted to £6B Is, 6d. Of 
this sum £2 2s, went in sacramental wine ; the rest for 
the poor and vestry meetings ; how much to the former 
and now little to the latter, or vice versdf the parochial 
account showed not The Commissioners relate that— 
*'The wine is stored in a cellar at the church." This 
latter parish is that of St. Sepulchre. There is, indeed, 
in this juxtaposition of bunal vault with wine cellar 
sometiiing peculiarly sepulchraL These ornes are doubt- 
less jolly, if grim. The revellers might almost be con- 
oehred quafGbag their wine, in the style of Scandinavian 
keroes oi old, out of skulls. Their wine should have a 
great deal of body in it, though it be Tin de Orave^ and 
as such, very dilferent stuff from " King Death's" in the 
song, which tells you how he '* poured out the coal-black 

Political TlMoloffians. 

Mb, EtmuLK - Evajjs, in common with a certain 
"BfoiTEo" and iome other Scottish elerfrymen, whilst 
detikring their respect for Mr. GLArsToNE's moral 
worth, at the sanie time express their regrtt "that he 
stould have advised the clergy to take an active part 
in the election." They feel, pernaps, that tbs only elec- 
Mim which men of their cloth ought to take an interest 
in is that ^' election^' whioh CalTimetie divines contra- 
disiingoiah from -* reprobation." 


" III Weeds grow apaeeJ^ Evidently true, judging 
from the quantity of bad cigars smoked by all the 
'As£T8 on their Sundays out. As Hamlet observes, 
"And smells so! Pahl" 


Wht is the Pbsmibb like a knowing woman ? 
Because he knows there is no secret for getting his 
own way like a ** good cry." 

0'Flatheb*s eye, or to throw the least doubt on his genealogy, 
founded on such an unimportant fact as the immigration into the 
neighbourhood from Liverpool, less than half a century ago, of The 
0*£Xathsb's father, at the head of a small capital, which he judi- 
ciously invested in the local butter and bacon trade. The O'Flatheb 
is a strenuous Home-Ruler of the most advanced type, and 
bean the official stamp of Mr. Pabnell to his being a fit i>er8on to 
represent Taro-an-ouns-ville. He is opposed to the ruinous invasion 
of English capital, except in the shape of advances to corporations, 
barony-sessions, boards of guardians, local industries by sea and 
land, worthy and insolvent tenants, and everybody wanting money— 
except landlords. His strenuous object, as a legiBiator, will be to stop 
all channels throug^h which sums contributed by foreiffn benevolence 
can find their way into the pockets of the landlord or his agent The 
O'Flatheb owns no land in the district, thanks to the ropeated 
confiscations of the Saxon, which have stripped him of the broad- 
acres of his fathers, but holds large and judicious investments in 
local concerns, particularly the Taro-an-ouns-ville Town and 
County Bank, and all other undertaldngs having for olnect the de- 
velopment of native enterprise by judickms advances to the peasantry 
and tenant farmers, at good interest, properly secured. 

The O'Flatheb is the consistent enemy of Saxon ascendency, 
and is pledged to take every opportunity of obstructing its insidious 
advances, excepting in the shape of loans of a national and patriotic 
character as above described. 

The O'Flatheb is opposed to all National Education that is not 
entrusted to the natural guides and counsellors of the Irish 
peofde— her priesthood, acting through her national representatives. 
He is opposed to repression and coercion and all forms of legal 
tyranny, whether directed against the impassioned speaking and 
writing of an imaginative and fervid race, which Saxon stupidity 

calls sedition, or the Lively ontbreake of that playful Celtic spirit, 
which the poor-spiritednoBs of the alien oppressor would put down 
as disorder. He Imk^ forward to the tmie when Iriah national 
opinion will he free to assert itBoll in an Irish Parliament, and all 
opposition to its diotatea will be regarded, as it ought to be, as trea- 
son, and pnniahable accordingly. All his efforts, in and out of Par- 
liament ^ win be dire€ti^d to the realisation of this good time coming, 
and tow^arda it he will preas, in co-operation with the illustrious 
Pabnbll and the calominated BmoAB, 

The Monk of Hidlothian. 

KoT one of the electors by whom Mr. GLAnsromE was '* heckled " 
in Midlothian has been so perfervid as to revive the question he once 
used to be asked, whether or no he had turned Papist. After all that 
WiLLiAJC has written about Yaticanism, such an inquiiy would now 
be asinine as well as impertinent, fiut. Lord liunareary might 
inquiro, if the Bight Honourable WnuAM were to go over to Rome, 
what fraternity might he be expected to join ? The Oratory, of 

" xxEPnre the wobd of pbokisb to the bab." 

Lobs B. promised us " Conveyancing Reform " in the Queen's 
Speech. IBs Cbvemment have kept that promise— in the legalisa- 
tion of Conveyances at Elections Act. 

Reitabtable ConrcmEirGE.— r 
of Knock, and Spirit Rapping. 

supematnral phenomena 



[April 3, 1880. 


Jfaudim Arittocraiic Child). "How Pumr and Culver tov abb, Hot&Sftt I 'm so glad Totr Harbud nrto our Faicil7|' 


Mb. TxjvcBj YouMk Honkob, 8nL 

Wot a Ba4 tluiig it is for the Liberal OaoBe that so ioBBjoi 
that Party has gaye in to them there tyrannioal Teetotallers. The 
Publioans always used to oonsider the Liberals their Natural Allies. 
They looked to them, wheneyer their interestes was Assaled for to 
take thieir Part agin the Parsons and the Pantilers. We all supposed 
the wery wital Principal of Liberalism was Freedom of Life, and we 
woted at eyery election nnanimns amost like one man for the Libberal 
Candidate' in the sure and sertin ope that he would windicate our 
Callih from MiniBters of aill Denominations. 

Now we 'ye got many and some of the most aotif of the Libberal 
Lot a-tumin round upon us ; and yet neyertheleas they expeoks us 
to wote for them as if nothink had a^pened. Wy can't they leaye 
us alone ? There ain't no need of legislation to rain us. Gompeti- 
ti<m's alreddy a oookin our goose. ^There's now another Coffy 
Tayem 's jist bia opened at Crouchend. And wot sed Lord Shaftbs- 
BVBT presidin on that Ocasionf The name of this here new Coffy 
Pub IB called the '* China Cap." He sed:— 

** This was a most iaterettiag oooasion, and the eitabliahment of the new 
coffee tayems, now become common, was matter for congratulation for society 
at large. They prodaced a great moral and physical influence on the popula- 
tion around them. In the cause of temperance he was hap^y to see people 
determined to move in another way than by law, for it was impossible that 
the law could do eyerything. They must wor)[ by the nobler influences of 
self-respect. There were great differences in the management of these insti- 
tations|, but he wished to impress upon them that ooffee-tavems must, as far 
as possible, be of the nature of public houses, the customers must hare the 
same freedom and meet with the same hearty reception." 

Ayin deliyer'd his Sentimoits as Abuy, my Lord and his Asso- 
dates adjumed to the Tayem— the " China Cup*'— and sutin axion 
to wurds and Precept to Example, '* the ^ar/ o/Shaftbsbubt drank 
one ofthefirit eup$ of coffee. Under aristyorattio encurridgment 
like this here the Coffy Tayems is inorerin at a rate quite fast enuf . 
without makin Lawrs for the Pnrpus of doin' away with Licensed 
Wittlers. The Progres of Temperance some says will injer the 
Grocers too. But wot they loses by the fallin off in '* Gladstone," 

and other intoxicatin liquors, will be made up to 'em by the Sale of 
Tea and Coffy. But then ow about the Beyenu? It aye alM4y 
fell off in Malt tax and Exaize — owin no doubt in a grate measure to 
the Licrease of Coffy Tayems like the '* China Cup.^' Abolidge the 
Liquor Trade and ow Supply the Diffyset in the Budgit ? By « tax 
to the reckisit Amount on the People's Coffy and Tee P Or does 
the Teetotallers perpose for the Nation to make good the loss of 
£140,000,000 or woteyer it is by payin all that sum of Neoeasary 
Inkum-tax for the pleasure of depriyin' their Neighbour of his Boer 
aginst his will ? Not if the Nation nose it. onless the Nation is a 
Ass with Bigger Eers that I can possible Gonseye. And partiokler 
wen them there blessed Coffy Tayems is a biddin so fair as you inay 
think, .but I would rayther say so foul, to take the Bredd out of the 
mouths of that Arras'd Interest, that Bespectabel, but much wita- 
paratted, bullyragged, and Prosecuted Body, to which myself your 
umble Seryant belong. Please don*t you go a oallin' of me, wich it 
is your abit by way of bomeaning of me, Bws&, Mr, Punchy but 


P.S.— Punch cures the Gout the Collect and the Tizziok. 
can say that of Coffy? 


A Prophet and more than a Prophet. 

« Coming erents oast their shadows before.*' 
Huzza ! Look at this, Mr. Punch ! Ain't it a straight tip for 

Tours oyer. 


Qbamd Katiohal Stbsflb-ohasb. 

Empress . . . Mr. Bbaslt. 

Liberator . . . Mr. Moobb. 

Bownpatriok . . GAynr. 

Won easily by two lengths. 


Gkakd National Stakbs. 
Empress . . Bbaconsfiblo. 
Liberal . . . Oladstonb. 
Down Patriok . Pautbll. 
"Won easily by how many rotes? 

The New Cokbupt Pbaotiob.— /SAotiW go out with the Cab-in-it 
that brought it in. Digitized by ^ ^^_ ^ 


Digitized by 


Digitized by 


April 3, 1880.] 




ghafteb xn. 

ProfesBor Walter Lacy— Differences— DetatlsStudv;— Properties 

— BeaUtt/ — Acting — Devotion — Shakspearian Illustration — 

Comedy— Dress — Manner — Food — Conclusion — Departure — 

Announcements— Curtain College— Notice up for next Term. 

Professor Walter Lact, haying finished bowing to the class and 

to Professor Abtbtor Cecil, who, with his umbrella, is seated on 

the platform, commences : — 

Gtentlemen Students, seated at the feet of Clio and Melpomene, I 
thank you for the reception which you have accorded to an 'umole 
but 'onest Professor of the Thespian Art, once, like yourselves, an 

aspirant for those honours whioh a snoeessful career accords to the 
ardent votaries of the sock and buskin. (Applause^ specially from 
Professor Cecil's umbrella^ which is graciously acknowledged by the 
Lecturer^ who bows to it, and proceeds.) Ctotlemen, the Dramatic 
Muse is to be wooed and won. For what is she but a poetic idealisa- 
tion of Feminality—of that Feminality^ Gentlemen Students, which 
I have respectfully studied in all its vaned specimina—itom tne pure 
blonde of Albion to the Day and Martin of the Torrid Zone. (Ap- 
lause led by Professor Cecil's umbrella,) (Gentlemen, study is every- 
thing on the stage, for there is no acting without the very closest 
attention to the minutest tiniest atomy of every fairy detail. {Av- 
plause. Professor Cecil expresses dissent, but listens attentively.) The 
Dramatic Muse is a woman, as I have said, and is only to oe won 
by the assiduity of an 'umble slave, the self-devotion of a siffhing 
Jttomeo to a hmguishing Juliet, the abject subihission of a lusty 
Antony to an Imperial Cleopatra. (Cheers, in which Professor 
Cecil neartUy joins.) 

Tee, Gentlemen, not a jot, not a tittle, must be omitted in your 
study I Observe the delicate and moeful outline, and the bold con- 
formation of the Muse of TragMy, while you equally admire the 
light and facile movemente, the gaselle-like glances, and the weU- 
turned ankles that coruscate before your eyes as you view the Muse 
of Comedy I {Cheers from everybody.) No one can be an Actor, no 
one can have within him'-(tapping Ms breast}— ike divine afflatus, 
who has not an eye for beauty, and who, sitting, as is my custom 
often, on a summer morning in the bay-window of the ancient Ship 
Hotel, Brighton, with the spray of the sea among my prawns, does 
not to the full appreciate the queenly walk, the und.ulating[ wave- 
like movement of the fair pedestrians on the parade before him, and 
feel his heart beat with a sympathetic throb at the vision of a foot 
that ffrips the ground like a younsr Arab, and yet rises in the instep 
like the back of a wild squint. {Vehement applause, in'whieh Pro- 
fejMor Cecil's umbrella heartily Joins. The Lecturer bows, passes 
his handkerchief lightly across his forehead, heaves a full inspiration 
and continues,) 

Tes, Gentlemen, details are everything in acting, though I have 
not now time at my disposal to dwell upon them. An Actor is an 
Actor off the stage, or he is none on. He must be in the day what he 
is to represent at night. He must be metamorphosed body and 
spirit In the curl of a lock, in the breadth of a snoe-string, in tiie 
brilliancy of a buckle, lie the fimdamental mysteriee of our art 

(Expression of dissent from Professor Cecil.) I believe, in this 
respect, I diner from my brother Professor. Gentlemen, we must 
agree to differ. (^Applause.) As to properties, I would have every- 
thing Teal—(wamng his hand)— no snams. Gentlemen, no shams on 
the stage. Real properties— (<&s«tfn^/rom Professor Cecil)— and real 
acting. (Applause, led by the umbrella enthusiastieallf/.) On that 
last point ire agree. (Applause.) As a student of the happiness of 
human nature and the projgpress of dramatic art, I have made it a 
rule to insLst on a clause, in every agreement I have ever signed, 
making it a sine qud non that the Management shall provide a real 
and genuine entertainment if there were to be a banquet on the 
stage— according to the epoch in which the piece happened to be 
ciit. (ChecrHf ^xceuiffifin Professor CeciLi who e^pre^&e& vehement 
dissent.) An Blutf Kin^ Hal, at the sumptuous entertainment given 
riKht royally in Cardinal Wolset*8 j>alftfle, the board waa spread 
wltb TcniBon-pastieSf boar^s-headi braised meats, flagons of Hhanish 
vriue, brownjcLgaof black beer, aod I partook freely of the viands, 
ajid qualied the old ale. {Applause ; and stronger expressions of 
fltjo^etii from Profeasor Cecil.) Tliat» Gentlemen, waa beioff, in 
theatrical mrlanee. ** well supported*" {** Sear / hear J '') When 
I appeared in saok characters as I may term the Alfred High- 
flyers of modem comedies — with a wmiartcoat like a volcano, 
tind a cravat like a oataraot— if there were a repast on the stage, it 
was supplied me in the shape of a delioato coteUUe, cooked by a 
tVenoh chef, from tho best rcitftumni in London, washed down 
with, a glass of port like a crushed garnet— and then, with the 
iteeling-a of a genUetnan and the manners of a man about town, I 
oould go through my part on the classio boards of Old Drury< (Loud 
applause* Frofessor C£C£L s^iakes his head sadly, and is seen to look 
fft his waichf and examine his A*M* C* guide.] 
^Bat, Gentle mauj 1 see my Brother Profeasor is consulting the bill 
of fare— or thia hdl of fares— of the time-table, and we must be 
wendiag our way homeward, where, pre vigua to our Lecture at the 
ii^adetoy, a repast awaits us at the Gar ri ok Club, which might well 
vi^ with the tpicurean delicacies ou the hospitable board of the 
Pompeian LucuLLua in the palmiest days of Arbaces the Egyptian; 
and if a tender cMeken of the early spring-time be on the menoo, 
then let Professor Cecil take what he fikea,— ('* iftaf , hear *' twry 
heartiiy from Professor Cecil)— but, for my part, in the everyday 
drama ot dinner, 1 am content with the left thigh, the Liver wing, 
Euid a morsel ot the suooulent part of the brea^^t, preceded, perhaps, 
by a flowing bowl of boiling pea»8oup, or a little bit of fish— say, 
fur instance, a portion of the gelatinous jowl of a oolofisal ood, 
washed down by a cool tankard of foaming porter, whioh dashes 
agahist tny ribs like the spray a^inst the prow of a jolly-boat on 
the oeean. {humvnse applause. Professor Cecil, with his umbrella^ 
motions the Lecturer towards the door.) I thank yon, (AppUtuM. 
The Lecturer takes up his hat and gloves^ and bows in a dtgnijied 
and courtly ntyle, as he eonchales*) 

My noble goaaips, ye have been too prodigal I 

I thank ye aLl I [lo Profeasor Cbcil,) To you,iny grave Professor, 

And these good students — {t^t them)— I am much beholden* 

1 have received much honour by your presence, 

And ye shall hnd me thankful. ( To rr^h?^mt Cecil.) Lead the 
way I 

Sinoe time and tide for no Professor stay I 
[^Insists on bowing out Professor Gbcil. then places his hand oh 
his heart, shakes his head in pantomimic expression of utter 
se^f^abnegation, and exit after the other Professor. 

The first Series of Lectures to be delivered at Cartain College— 
the Ladies' Annexe— would probably include the following sub- 
jects for the Lady-Professors : — 

On True Tragic Litensity • • • 

On Musical Intonation and Yariation of 
Yoice ••••••• 

On the Art of Walking the Stage Grace- 

On True Dramatic Energy and on Proper 
Emphasis in Elocution . • 

On Consistency in Representation and 
the Danger of Trusting too muck to 
Pfe-Bai»aelitiMi in Posture , 

On the Danger of OverdoiB|[ any Imita- 
tion of Qrcat French Ori^nals • 

On Perfect Repose in Acting • 

On the Art of Entirely Concealing Per- 
sonal Identity in representing various 
Characters • 

On the Avoidance of Over-Ligenuous- 
ness in playing tit^^tiM • • 

On the Absolute Necessity of Repressing 
anything like a Tendency to Angu- 
larity or Hardness of Style • 

Mrs. Baitoroft. 
Miss Jnnm Lne. 
Mrs. Kmn>AL« 
Miss Kais YAiieHAir. 

Miss Elldt Txebt. 

Miss QrKnsnkfM Waeb. 
Miss KxLLis FaMtnr. 

Miss La Thi^rb. 
Miss Mabiok T£BHT. 








[Apbil 3, 18Sa 


JBnglish Cfkureh DigwUary, " Oh— bb— J'ax bb8WAN^ d*oon Liybb ou dbux, 


Fair Parisian Bookseller. " Ooi, MoNSiBUB, nous ayons 94 ! Voici L^Aa- 
aoMMOiB, PAB Zola. C*bqt . tbJ^s obntiu Ou fb^f^bbz-yous Naka, pab lb 


His Rsvsnnce {aghasC). " Oh nono, Maobmoisbllb 1 " 

Fair Parisian Booksellsr, " NoN ? C*b«t poVbtant Bixir JOU, Moksibitb ! " 

{Now hsing Ashed amd Answered SimMUaneaudif.) 

OpfOfltmar. . 

Q. What weak and ephfloierBlStateaua&oloQrtiflieii 
pomwwring the inhumanity of a Nero, and Uie a^jli^ of 1 
Rich, ia unfit to he tnuted with the dxiTinr of a oos- 
num dty-omnihoa, oinng to hit groai laok of the fizrt 
prinoiplea of integrity, judgment, and diaeretka P 

A, Lord BsAGOHsnxLD. 


Q. Who if the riaing pditioal daj-atur, who, gifted 
with the strength of Ymoan, the hnmonr <n Y AycB,the 
poliah of BiCHBLixu, and the eloqLQenoe of Dbmostkbyb^ 
has oroBsed the Atlantio twioe in six montha ^ feat im- 
attempted hy Coltthbus), and has eharged nia down; 
trodden oonntry nothing worth mentJoning for doing it/ 

A. Mr. Pabvxll. 


Q. Who is theeeoaped maniac who,tho>iigfa heoasit 
to be in Bedlam, has got looae at Midlothian, and, to ttie 
eYerlasting shame and degradation hoth of the ooimtij 
that has prodnoed him and of the renegatdea hebsi 
oajoled, has refused ohstinately to see trinmi^ in Cyinii, 
ascendency at Berlin, peace m Asia, or eren hoikoiirit 

A. Mr. QLADSioirB. 


To oblige the Publio, Mr. PtmeA, with hia onstoBirT 
kindness, published a fortnight ago a proph^tio aooon^ 
of the UniyersitY Boat Baoe, showing now the result of 
the contest would not possibly be known on the appofatod 
day, because it would be too dark to see the finiahl Ho 
spoke the truth, if not the whole truth. It was not only 
too dark to see the finish, but the start either. JKr*. 
Punch (as he alwaya is) was right. The Clerk of tko 
Wekther, disgusted at the attempt to row the race before 
daylight, turned on a fog of the best Londoti qnah'ty- 
NoYember pattem-HK> much the fashion all last winter, 
and the blues were merged in the yellows. Fog w 
cYerywhere present on the morning of Saturday the SOtfa 
of March, 1880, with one exception. That exemption im 
85, Fleet Street I 

The Biaing Generation. 

Thb Senior Master at one of our Public Schools haifiai 
advertised a Lecture on "Our Eyes, and howwe m* 
through them," a bold bad Boy wrote underneath, (a*, 
* Our Pupils, and how they see through us P ' " 

A Rbal Aboadiak Shsphbbd.— A Bural Dean. 

Miss LoTTiB Ybnit. 
Miss Caboldib Hill. 

On the AdYantage of Creating an Ideal 
of IfOdy Macbeth^ the Queen m HanUet, 
and Volumnia in Cortolanus • 

On the finesse of High Comedy 

On Unreality of Demeanour and En- 
dent Consdiousness of the Presence of . 
an Audience* • . . • • • • • 

** The hints " will probably be resumed in the May Term, as Mr. 
Ibydto, Mr. Kbkdal, and Mr. YBZiiT'-all with their Lectures ready, 
and eager for the " say "^haye not yet been heard. But the Easter 
Yacation has arriyed, and for the present the term is ended, though 
the subjects are far from exhausted. 

It will haye been already seen, from the foregoing Lectures, that 
difEerent Professors haye different principles. Who shall decide P 
The ultimate decision must be in the hands of the Yenerable Master 
of Thespianr-t^ portrait in early part of ^this series. 

* Oiest many nsmet up for this last lecture. The selection will be made 
by the College OoimciL 

A scatter of Choice. 

Thb question between compulsory teetotallers and beer-drinking 
Britons may be oonoLMly stated as a case of Local Option against 
General Malt-and-hqpsion. 

The Law's Delay. 

Mb. Nobl lately told Mr. Osbobitb Moboav that he ho^wd ^ 
New Law Courts will be sufficiently finished to admit of being ciie^ 
by the end of 1881. Some impatient people express a fear tbu 
those Courts won't be fimshed till the Day of Jud^ent. It is oer- 
tain, howeyer, that they will be complete before that. Legal jpro- 
ceedings haye of late run to such lengths that, cyan after the Kow 
Law Courts haye been opened for the dispatch of busineoB, a coa- 
siderable time is likely to elapse before any day of judgment amfV' 


A SUBSTITTTTB for Cocky-Leek^Lamb-lseky ; or, if we like our 
menu in bad French, Agnew au Xeake, 

coir. FOB THB GBBWa. 

Why is this year like the Oxford and Cambridge Bogt-Baoef 
Because there are two Eights in it. 

Thb Comhoh Lot— Dbtox ob Sobibb*— To^»e^«^ewed in ^ 

April 3, 1880.] 




A Tmls at Ptjtwet. 

[Tbe Oxford nnd Cambridge BoB.t-HB6B for !S80 was poeipon^d frotn 6A,tKrdjiyy 
on Hd^ount of the fog, and rowed on Monday, in miat and mieflrj*] 


King Fhg loquitur, 

Ha I h& ! Ho! ho I Thia ia a ofowning joke, 
A pleaBontry that men will \axkg remetnb^ri 

Dolts t did they think to limit my dread yoko 
To the poor rule of one dull month, Kov^mber ? 

ThiSf this will undeoeiTs them i top^ mywmaiii^tf 

This season ! I have had a splendid innings I 




[ApfiiL 3, 1880. 

'Tis lovely to look back on I Stretched my pall 
Of poiflonoiu asphyxia over all, 
lITeek after week^ xmintermittently. 
TiU mortals, finding that they oould not see, 
E*en at high noon, or what one noon supposes, 
Two feet before their fog-ohoked frost-nipped noses. 
Imagined, growing gloomier, nimier, glummer, 
That day had wholly vaiiishea— following Summer I 
Lord ! what a lark it was to see them groping, 

like blind blaok-beetles, beer-bemused to dizziness, 

At early, but Eijryptian, mom to business I 
Sniffing and sneezing, grumbling, YBudy hoping 
For my departure, air-draughts less pea-soupy, 
LuDjBTS less smoke-dogged, and bronchial tubes less croupy. 
I raised the death-rates and the gas-bills high, 
And lowered yiffour and vitality. 
Christmas I maae a lurid murky mystery, 

A sombre, sunless, swart, Serbonian seaiOOy 
For misty misery unmatched in history. 

I almost robbed the artist- world of reason : 
Poor painter-men went mad above their madder : 

So shall my evil ^>ell extend to May, 
When scantier, less saleable, and sadder 

Must be the R.A.'s annual Art array. 
And now returning in the budding 8pin|r) 
When men of course expected no sucm tiultf^. 
Thinking I 'd fled, and of mv zmgn le^^io%aec^ 
I ^ve been and spoilt the fioot^BAce I M 
Delicious ! I 
DidnH mj viotims look supron^ vioiafotL, 
As, stealing o'er the readies of the river, 
I inade them snort, «nd «wear, and staiiq>, tmd jdiivar — 
Their noses bluer tixan their badges P Draim 
From distant downy beds at eadj dawn, 

So to be sold! 
Betuming, pinched and peevish, oroes and odd, 
To teU the world that though men dare to row 
The race in rushing rain or blinding snow, 
Champions defying dduire, toiving bUiit, 
Had to knock unw to King F(^ at last ! 
Ha ! ha I—how hatsi my murky empire grown ! 
The drding year will iMon be all mine own. 
Easter elections I perhaps— no— steady I 

That were sheer waste, 
DizzT, a man predsdy to my tasto. 
Has fogged all issues, and most minds, «lreadv. 
But Epsom I-— hM>py thought I I 'm game to oet 
I 've not yet reaohea the limit of my tether. 

I *ve spoiled the Boat-Race with inlemal ^ 

And— who knows P— I iliy stop ihx Debbt m ! 1 1 



The ]Coant»dA <fti|14. 

A Mosimre paper announces:— 

«*Th6 St. Gothard Tunnel, the bogest in tiie woeld, in 4B^ ooMtrurtian 
of whioh more lires hare been lost than in any/Otil^ nmilur undertaking, 
has now acquired the unique dutinotion of being the aoene of a birth." 

The wife of a workman employed in the Tunnel, having cmtearad 
it to see her husband, unexpectedly presented him witih this new 
olive-branch — sprungl to light in the dwk. Mother and diild are 
doing as well as could be expected. 

Punchy in honour of the event, venftoras to dt a new poittt to 4he 
old saw, **ParturiutU numtei nascetur,^ not "Hdicuhu mm,** bi|t 
* ' parvultu »f\fan$,** 

Sead Money 4tt Salozdca. 

Prarajsr rejoices to leam that Colonel Stkge is released— for a jnare 
song— to the very pretty tune of £12«000 1 

It would be interesting to know who has paid the money. Not the 
English Government. The Colond is an Ottoman employ, Not the 
Turks. They haven't got it, and would not pay if they had. Can 
the Brigands have been obliged to Stn a£ for it ? 

Flood Venus Vog. 

Will rails at Bbn, and Bsn at Williak girds ; 

The wise man owns, whato'er his party kanings, 
That GLiJDSTOirB's speech has far too many words. 

Whilst Dizzy's words have all too many meanings. 

A SoEATCH Cbew.— That of the boat in whidi Oharon used to ferry 
souls over andent Styx to Old Scratch. 

Fo wonder Beer in Burton should be rooted on a rode— 'the Basa- 
Rook. Bab8 and Allsqpp have it all their own way, not only in 
that iifippy borough, which between them they make, 
** lUuitrioui by their namea, 
And prosperouB by their brew." 

But in all the «;pnoQnding regions— 

*' Tvo men they are to all the eoanty dear. 
And passing rich on profits of their beer. ' 

Whileinleas blessed boroughs parties and party-leaden are at 
daggers drawn, if not actually cutfing one another's throats, Bnrtom 
meeto in tuneful concord and Brewer^— which seems the beat MaA 
of brotherly— love, at the Masonic Hall, in Union Street, 0ia|^y 
named looanty) to cdebrato the unUireatoned supremacy of Michasl 
Bass and Sakusl Allsopp— Liberal and Conservative as they are— 
in the genial affections of East Staffordshire. 

In iiduiowledging the toast of the ** County Members," Mr. Bass 
talked sense as «ound as his beer, and particularly opportune at 
this time. 

'* If they wiere to take alias truth vhioh fell from the lios of gentlaoaea of 
both parties, they might indeed tremble for the future of their oountrr. On 
the one hand they were told that a more truculent, bloodthirsty, or ffisrcfpu- 
table lot did not exiat than her Majeety's Ministers ; and on the other hand 
they were told that a more raaoally, duhonett, or diiihonourable erew did not 
ex^t than the Opposition. Those hard words were really only the language 
of innocent metaphor, and all that was meant was that the * outs' would 
like to supplant the * ins ' ; and that if they were in they thought they oould 
do better man thoie who were at present in. Fortunateljr, at the present 
day they did not allow politics to interfere with private friendship, and he 
hoped and trusted that, howeyer much they might differ on politioal ques- 
tionfl, they would nerer cease to remember that aboye all things they were 
Englishmen and gentleman, that they should retain a kindly oonsideratioa 
one for another^ and have the generosity to belieye that there was truth, 
honour, and upnghtnees, eyen in those who differed from them.*' 

Canserratiye Allsopp lihen rose, and said ditto to Liberal Bass. 

This Election Harmony, in Thorough-Baas, is really refreshing. 
And to think that the source of such sweetness should be the spring 
of Bitter Beer I The fountain of such light is the flow of the 
amber-oaial nectar of Bass and Aijjsopp I 

There is a lesson in this, if philosoi>hy could but find it out. 
Is it in the saochanne of the malt, or in the wholesome tonic of 
the hop, that we should seek the secret of this harmonisiiig in- 
fluence, or is it that such honest Brewers must be honest men^ and 
so equally welcome to their constituents, whatever their political 
trade-mark, so long as their bottle-label testifies as now to the quality 
of their beer P 

Pajeivum: in Multo.— Election speeches.^ Q | ^ 

' To OomnummmMrm.'^ngMiiUor 4m nHh^MmWbow^UmdtnmtUdgt^nt^ jmn^tammn tkm H tw t mm i mkm 

ooMMtf M a«i:iiMfUe^ Mhu*ii» er My/er OmiriOwtMmc 
sCmrmmI anil AwoImC cnwIiMi Mpiit dkewW b€ kwL 

Apml 10, 1880.] 




exp'f dating &nthe H^kx, the Jf^aiy.\ Ih/^ SuTf^t^, th^c SiftJu^ and oiW heatdUs ^fthe Uomuk Cmatt), 


Wt^ End Comedy— adctptfd frtvrrv ft- recrnt Lm^ EeporL 
ScENj» — The l}rawin<r-^IloQm of a Be^gra^inn Manamn^ Judi^jiou* Duke discovered going 
tfjrefullt/ iimr the items nf a Inng hfiherdnuher^R hflL C^nAdin^ Tra^psman itniting 
ohvBi^ioutiy (n) . Beauti ftilly Dri'ss^d Duthess to^fi^ idlj/ wtih a parure of diamonds (l) . 

JudtfAmts Dukf* Umnding back the hiil), Yfm may take this memorandtim back, Sir. {With 
deUrminfitUm.) Not a fiiDp-le i^i^nuy of it will \ pay. 

Cm'fidinq Trademnan, Itid^i?d, yqxir Grace, js-rm fdrly iHTpHep me P Surely yon do not 
deny that the artiolea, as Bpei^ifie<i in the inv^iioe/haye heem supplied P 

Judidmis DtAke {with artslotratie bonhomie), Nwt at all, my irood friend, uot at all. On 
the <^Ktraty, T am aware that th** rieh Lyon a relvpt, trimmed so ta&tefaliy with point 
d^Al^Tii^on^ whioh Her Grace the Dtiohesa is doinBr y^^^ Rnd it th^ honour to wear at thin 
moment, comes from your eieellent eatahliahment. Ha! ha! ^pon my life ynu are an 
oblijfin? ^rm. \Luttg%9 hmrtih. 

CoHjidtn(f Tradesman, We tmat to deaervo that character, your Grace ; Dut now that our 
UTOfll five yeara* credit has run out* we should like to Bee our mouey* 

Jufiictous Dttke {netiied). By the memory of my ftuoeatora who UU at Crecy* hiTe T uot, 
told you that I owe you nothinir f But an you eeem to doubt my duoal^word, this distingubh^ 
legal authority may euffiee to silenoe you^ 

^nUr a Lord Chancellor, 

iorrf Chunt^U&r. With the utmost pleaBur^. 1 preen in e our fair and f^raciouB hostess {&ijt/?j 
toDuoheseJ ha.fl been rujoninjrnptViin. and po^aibly other little bills, without the oomfiit, nay, 
eyan in ipite of the Pipress injunetion, of her noble epouse P 

Bountiful ft/ Jr€#^«tr/ IhtchtttA {coyly). Ah, my dear Chanoellor, vom avet toujoHr^ rahon / 
Eh hwnj I plead siuUy- {Smiles sweetly, 

LordChanceUnt {guUantlif) , Of oourae, and at a oouBWiuenoe this worthy tradesman has no 
f***' £ (^''7?**5^ himsf^if vn to an nttonmn.) You Cannot recoyer, my gnod fellow. By the 
lAW of England, the hmhand it mi re&ponsihU for the debts of his tdife* So, prithee, retire 

• Sm latM* raw, Bibmhttm r. Msiior^ decided on appeal bj ths Lord« Juatlcoi, 

to your oonnter, and your refleetione, and 
leave ua to our tea, and societj-seandal I 
lThe$/ laugh heartily at Confading- Trades- 
man' b discomfiture as scefie closes in* 


ScWK— /rt/*rtor of District County Court, 
Experienced Judge discot^emd on bench 
disposing of a *^ Vontetnpt" case. In- 
jtiaicious Artiaou, hii MisBus, and 
Qffict^rs of the Court in atlmdance. 

Mxperienced Judge {having heard all tk^ 
^idence)* Well, it's very clear that you 
have made no Bo?t of effort to oomyly with 
my order » Every halfpenny of vuur debt 
of il 17** 6</m for f(Ui supplied to your 
trife, ifl BtiU unpaid ; and tnm^ in Bpite of 
th^ injunction laid upon you bv this Court 
jfradually to diHoharge the whole by weekly 
lomtalmeatB of half-a-crown. It i« a very 
had c4Ae^ You muBt go to prison till tho 
debt is discharged, 

, Injudicious Artisan. ExouBO me, your 
Worship, as I tijld you afore, it ain^t no 
debt of mine. My Missus here, as she ^11 
tell you, being sober this inormn\ Bhe's 
nm up that *6re tick, right in siute o' me, 
though I 'd threatened h^r wttu a good 
Ifttherin^ If Bhe didn't drop her drops. 

Mis Missus {simper ifig with u curteey to 
the Bench j , Which he did , your H on our 

Inffidt<ruttts Artisan^ And that's th» 
truth, and the *ole truth, so 'elp me 

E^peri^nrfd Judge {lookiftg to notes of 
next cas^). That wUl do. 1 don't want to 
hear your er plan aUon. You kmtw an well 
ss I do that by the law of Eftfjlund the 
husband is resptmttbfe ftr the dtrbts tif his 
wife. If youru uiii eontract thum, why 
don't you Wk after her P ( To Officer of 
Conrt.) There, that will do. K*move him, 

[Injudicious Artt&an is locked up, to ihs 
STfrprim of nobody^ as (he Vuriain 

Seltzee and SALETTE. 

A CnifTESfPORi.KT announce* the com- 
memoration of KiiSKR WiLBEtM^s birthday 
at Oberlahnati^in, between Ems and Co- 
hlentz» by the opening of the Victoria foun- 
tain^ formed of a new Beltzer spring actii- 
den tally discovered last year through the 
large quantity of bubbles in a pond in a 
brickfield, found to ooneiat of carbonic acid 
ga^. Borings made siibiiequently showed 
this spring to be a valuable one. Its water 
is reiKjrted *' quite free from iron»" and 
'* more like the well-known tiscal SelterB- 
Wasser than anjr "iht^r yet disctfvered," 
Here you have with merely local differenoe 
another caa* of the La Baletto fuauttiin, or 
that of Lourdes, barring their Apparitions* 
However, though no Apparition attended 
the birth of this new fountain, ita primary 
spring al>^ ^at reyeakd it&elf by a display 
of bubbles* 

Election Anagrama* 
{By Bora BIh4.) 

Mr. W. M. Gladstone {from MidhiJmn) 
^We get on » Ladft ! 

€oni^tFrvatiee—\ ot^f% CflJl yie» 
Itibcral—l&iAKr ilL 
i?WiW/— Rail, Cad! 
Home^Buh — Oh, lure me! 
Dissolution — O ! ia Lion dost P 
Parliament — Pat, rile man. 

ovo usque ad makt. 


TOL. Lzxrnit 



[April 10, 1880. 



^ Y''. , in/ 

^A^ .^^^•/^!^. 

:^a"^'''^^^^ ^ 

5.-^ . V«.S.p^^ 




ke Mr, Oladslone's Letter in reply to Mary Sleadman Aldia's Petition^ 
Daily News, March 15.) 

A 8T0BK was ooming, bat men's minds were still, 

And. in the dim tracts of Utopia's land, 

At Merlin's feet the wonld-be Graduate prayed. 

For, yielding to his kindlier moods, the Sage 

Had watohed her at her petolaaoe and play, 
Eyen when they seemed tmloreable, and U 
As those that watoh a kitten; thusne 


Eyen when they seemed tmloreab 

As those that watoh a kitten: thtw u^ «<«*«* 

Tolerant of what he half disdained, and she, 

PeroeiTinsr that she was bat half disdained, 

Began to break her sports with graver fits.-;- 

Torn wholly blae ; and thus she dang to nim t 

Fixt in her will ; and so the terms went by. r\r\CS\n 

Apbil 10, 1880.] 



Miekey Doolan (who ha» drapptd in toasehis neighbauf* the 0*Flahsriy»). *' Well, Pat, how ▲&■ TS ooiNO ok thesb tiites t " 
Pai OfWUkhmty. « Iuooant t thakks bb to ^fhb Buim 1 W£ 'ri FnDix' thbm Piab on Tffle Mansiok Hottsb, and atin* the 


Then Merlin loosed his hand from hers and said, 
" I never wa» less wise, however wise. 
Than when I gave yon first a footing here ; 
For, onoe allowed, I find yon like the gnat 
That settles, beaten baok, and, beaten oaok, 
Settles, till 1 mnst yield for weariness. 
Bnt sinoe I will not yield to give yon place 
In aoademio contests and degrees, 
Why will yon never ask some easier boon, — 
Private examination Bans degree? 
Yea, by St. Scott, I tmsted you too much." 

And VrviBir. like the tenderest-hearted Miss 
Fresh from the fflobes and Mangnall^ thus replied : 
*' Nay, Master, be not wrathful with your maid, 
Who feels no heart to ask another boon ; 
I think you hardly know the tender rhyme 
Of * take us all in all or not at all.' 
I heard the Pboplb's William sing it once. 
And it shall answer for me. Listen to it. 

*' ' In Arts, if onoe ezaininers be ours, 
To take degrees we mnst have equal powers ; 
The loss of these is as the loss of all : 

'<' It is the UtUe rift within the lute, 
That soon will leave the Girton lecturer mute ; 
And, slowly emptying, silence Newnham Hall. 

*' * The little rift in aoademio lute, 
The speck of disoontent in hard-earned f mit, 
Thi^ eating inwards, turns it into gall. 

*' ' It is not worth the keeping ; let it go : 
Bnt shall it ? Answer fairly, answer no ; 
And take ns all in all or not at alL' 

'*0 Master, do yon love my tender rhyme ?" 


(8t. Jameifs and ths Haymarket,) 

Old Cr<mie» is the title of the duologue, which serves as a most 
amusing levwr du rideau at the St. James's. It is brilliantly 
written by Mr. Thbtre Smith, and played by Messrs. Mackditosu 
and WsKMAK in admirable taste, and with consummate finish. 

The revival of Still Waters Bun Deep, will interest those who 
remember its original production at the Olympic, those who have 
heard so much oi it since, those who have seen it indifferently 
performed by Amateurs— and what set of Amateurs has not tried it 
at some time or other P— and the Amateurs themselves who have 
represented it, and who pride themselves on their own original 
readings of the several parts. . 

But with how it was first played at the Olympic, when Alfred 
WiOAK was MUdmay, Mrs. Alfred Wioan Mrs. Stemhold^ Oeoroe 
YnoKG Hawksley, and Emsrt Old Potter, I have very litUe to do 
just now— that is, as far as comparison ^oes. 

Most Theatre-goers are acquainted with John MUdmay, Captain 
Hawksley, Mrs. Stemhold^ and Old Potter : and all who know the 
play are aware, that, in the First Act, Mtldmay is deceiving his 
family circle by assuming le role d*un gogo for his own ends, which 
it is me purpose of the play to work out to a triumphant finish. 
Now Mr. KsvDAL does not let the audience see that he is only 
pretending to be a simpleton ; he treats them as he treats Mrs. 
Stemhold, and attempts to deceive them as he has deceived her. 
As the secret of the play is kept from the audience during 
the First Act, and is indeed only very gradually developed^ it is 
left for the Actors to enlighten us by very marked exhibition of 
individuality. We soon learn, in the First Act, that Hawksley 
is a villain, bnt only gradually how great is his villainy, and to 
what extent Mrs. Stemhold has been indiscreet. 

If the representatives of Havoksley and Mrs. Stemhold were, so 
to speak, to ** walk through " their parts, no audience of average 
intelligence oonld remain in ignorance of what the Author had in- 
tended their oharaoters to be, or what were their motives for action. 




[APBiL 10, 188a 


Old OmUUfMM 
Oromn, **You 



{to Oroom). " Wht, Mastin, what th9 DJnroB hatb tov oot thbu f " 


(Two Way$ of taking a Faeer. ) 

Stotttlt, Standard, faoe disastar, 
BraTe enduranoe lialves the hurt ; 

Nor like D. T. seek a plaster 
For defeat in flinging dirt ! 

Mafirnif y not eaoh small trinmpli« 

Minimise not eadi bad fall: 
Nor to Victors' p»ans cry *' Hnmpb ! " 

So to hide hoif you sing smalL 

Own the truth like a fair foeman^ 
Who thy ooat htat scorned to tarn* 

And be sure that there is no man 
Who with blnah for thee need bom 3 

Notour soom is for the blnster. ^ 
Blatant blundering meant to hide. 

For the funking znadced in fluster* 
And the prophecies gone wide. 

For the reams of rubbish wasted. 
Burst of drums bethumped in T^in ; 

Windy bags of words bombasted. 
Blown but to collapse again I 

ProTe the worse the better reason. 
Pass thj bray for Lion*s roar ; 

Rave, as nts thy name, till season 
Comes for turning ooat once mor« I 


The Post-Offioe is about to ^t rid of 
its Mannebs. (The young Ladies in our 
Branch-Office got rid ef their Manners long 


Not so with Miidmay, He is a mystery in the First Act, just as much 
as the letter brought by Hawksley is a mystery, and the audience 
know as little about the one as the other, unless the actor shows us 
distinctly when he is playing a part to deoeive Mr9. Stemhoidj when 
he is carrying out his ^* iaisaerfaire " principle ** too far ** as regards 
his wife, and when he t« really John mild/nay^ the upright, honest, 
strong-willed, keen-sighted, and politic Lancashire lad. This is the 
siuffle fault that can be found with Mr. Kendal's impersonation. 

Mr. Ha&b as Old Potter is inimitable, that is, tf Old Potter is to 
be represented as an octogenarian. '* There is only twenty years 
diflerence between usj' he says to his sister. Mrs, Stemhold. who, 
in spite of all Mrs. abndal can do to herseli in the way of ''make 
up,'^ does not look a day more than thirty-flve, thouf^h, according 
to Mr. HABB*d appearance and the dialogue, she ou^ht to be sixty. 
Either Mr. Habb's Old Potter is too old, or Mrs. Kendal's Mra, 
Stemhold is too young. Supposing we say thirty years* diSerenoe, 
and consider Potter as an old seventy ? 

Then, again, Mr. Teeriss, as HawksleVt is too young— (at least he 
was when I saw him on the first night : I am informed he has ^rown 
older and wiser since then)— and he rather enlisted the audience's 
sympathy with his pluck when, in his own room, alone with Mild- 
may ^ he, slight figure as he is, raises his hand against Mr. Kendal, 
who puts him down at once, telling him not to try that again, as it is 
a contest between a hale Lancashire lad and *' a battered London 
rouS "—which character was scarcely borne out by the appearance 
of Mr. Tebbiss's Captain Sawksley. Li fact, sup^sing Mildmay a 
champion heary-weight, and Sawksley a ohampion light-weight, 
the latter a trifle superior in science, the knowing hands would be 
inclined to back the Captain in a set-to. 

Miss Oeahahb's J^ra, Mildmay struck me as being exactly what 
a young girl would be who had been brought up by such a couple as 
Mr. Potter and Mra, Stemhold, She is a mere cipher in the house, 
lust one step above the more recently-introduoea cipher, her hus- 
band. Taken altogether, the performance is most satisfactory, as 
being interesting and decidedly amusing. Mr. Habb's mauvais 
quart d^heure before dinner is capital. 

Of Embbt in this situation, Chables Dic^nsNS said, just twenty 
years ago, ** I don't think I ever saw anything meant to be funny 
that struck me as so extraordinarily droll. I couldn't get over it at 
all" (p. 429, vol. L, Letters of Charles Dickena). This opinion 
would be equally true of Mr. Habe's Potter before ainner. I tancy, 
too, that if a tnfle less intentionally droH than Emeey's, it is truer 
to nature. 

In the theatrical magazine. The Theatre, this month there is a 
pleasant discussion on the Pit of the Haymarket, which might have 
been headed. *' What has he done with it t" or ** What wiU he do 
withotU it?" The editorial summing-up seems to be that Mr. Ban- 
CEOPT possesses an undoubted right to do what he likes with his own 
property, at the same time implying a recommendation to him ne4 to 
do It again. The Haymarket restored— without the Pit restored— is 
splendid and luxurious. The public has yet to get accustomed to 
such magnificence, and is at present inclined to whisper its approval 
with 'bated breath, and to applaud most decorously with velvet 
palms. Only the utterly farcically comic scenes in Money rouse the 
audience outside the gilded frame, when they applaud vigorously 
and laugh heartily. 

Evelyn^ with his Polytechnic lecture on gold, and his false story 
of the Sizar at College, and Clara, with more human nature in her 
than her lover possesses, but overloaded with sentiment, are two 
beings whom it is not possible to produce as realities in ordinary 
Ufe. Maceeadt and Helen Favcit— stilted declamation and affeeted 
posturing— these were the original Evelyn and Clara of Lord 
Lttton's play, and so they will remain. Make them less than these 
made them, tney shrink to nothing, and the play lives on Lady 
Franklyn, waves, Sir Fwedewick, and the reading of the will. 

Yet I never saw Miss Mabion Tsbbt to greater advantage than in 
Clara Douglas. Whatever could be done with this oharaoter in our 
natural modem style she did, and not a sign of that oyer-straininf 
after ingenuousness which was so si>eoially notioeable in Duty, ana 
gave a semblance of affectation to the Officer's wife in Ours. 

fAi. ABTHinEL Cecil is to be oommesded for making Graves a 
gentleman, and Mr. Bancboft's Sir Fwedewick, if oeoasionally 
overdone, is for the most part decidedly funny. Of course it it a 
caricature, of a type like those in Vanity Fair. 

In Mrs. Bancbofi's Lady Frankfyn is oontained the spirit of the 
piece, without which it would be intolerably lackadaisicaL That 
the part for its most successful points rehee on broad farce is 
the author's fault, and Lady Franklyn has craftily oontrived to 
shift most of the farcical responsibility on to the unhappy Graves. 
who, heaven knows, has enough to l>ear already, with nis eternal 
** Sainted Maria!" 

Mr. Kemble's Stout and Mr. Fobbes-Robebxson's Lerd Oloss- 
more are excellent as caricatures, the former being a triflf too ex- 
aggerated, while the latter's make-up is wonderfully good, thouh 
perhaps not quite what the noble author had in his mind when ne 
wrote the character. ^ YouB Rbphesentatitb, 

ApRiii 10, 1880.] 




First EUdor. " Plump for Slokbb, will tott !— tott don't mxan that I" 
Second Elector, "Certainly— Ha'ix sat nowtI and He'll do mowt— 
AND Hk *ll sprnd nowt ! I " 



Inteelocutobs— 2%e shade of Sir Lancelot du Lake, a Knight of Arthur* s 
Court. Sir Jingo db Pall Mall, a Patriot of the Period. 

SirlLaneeloU Enight of a later day, I bid yon hail I 

Although not plumed or panoplied in mail. 

As was our earlier fashion, you. belike, 

Have knighthood's spirit, prond and prompt to strike 

In high and hononraole cause, and yet, 

G^tle, and just, and generous. 
Sir Jingo, Well, you set 

The standard hiffh, but, no doubt, both are game 

To whip the world, and that is muoh the same. 
Sir Lancelot, Nay, not entirely. Sir ; in suoh a fiffht 

Suppose' the world, not you, were in the ri^t P 
Sir Jinao. And why suppose suoh rot P Enough for me, 

To back our own side, and let beggars see 

What **E,ule Britannia" means. 
Sir Lancelot, And what is that f 

Sir Jingo. Why, Bull erect and foreign foes all flat. 

Like tumbled ninepias, or the knights you shot 

From saddle in the lists at Camelot 

One after Mother, if old tales tell true. 
Sir Lancelot. Pray let that pass. The knight his sword who drew. 

Or laid his lance in rest, for a bad^cause, 

Kot in defence of yiolated laws. 

Or weakness that lacked champion, won no inraise, 

Victor or Tanquished, in our earlier days ; 

So fail I, whatsoe'er his skill or force. 

To see his claim to honour who 'd divorce 

Knighthood and simple justice. 
Sir Jingo. Come, I say, 

That's Gladstone 's line, the Lancelot of our day. 

As some enthusiasts swear ; though, were it true, 

'T would seem a doubtful compliment to you. 

When your Queen GtrnfiYERE,— nay, never bluah !— 
Colled tor her Champion, did you care one rush 
Whether her cause was righteous or was not F 
Not you I Well tben^ to each true patriot 
Enitfand '« a QvimrBEM ; for her he 'il fight 
And never stop to fusa about the right* 

Sir Lf^nceM. Sheer sophiatry ! lie eure the worthier love 
Of lo jal hearts seta honour ht^-h above 
All other counts. Td know his laud forsworn » 
Faithless » or self -swayed ^ open to men' a aoom, 
Though strong^ successful^ scathless, to tme knight 
Should hnn^y God wot, as little of delight 
As viaiou of hia Lady, hailed by fame 
Queen of all lists yet stained by secret shame. 
Like that which marred my knighthood, oankering all 
The generous gift* of nature* 

Sir Jingo, You talk tall t 

But such line cobweb- weaving *8 not my atyle* 
My lot is cost in this sea- circled Ide, 
And what its interests claim t 'm game to back ; 
And as to loretguersj— -a pHirjEring' pack I^ — 
Old England, when her monkey 's fairly up, 
Cares not a ourse for Cha&sepot or for Erupp ; 
She 'd lick the lot, Sir ! When it came to olows. 
Was it ^ffur fashion, pray, to count your foesf 

Sir LanctloL No» nor to -vapour loudly in advance. 
The Knight most like to battle a ouirOtice 
'Gainst hea^est odds, we held, was ever he 
Who heeded most the checks of chivalry,— 
I^ver of fair Cause, fair Speech, Contlict fair, 
Courteous and calm and gravely debonair. 
Of all you t^^Rch, what moTes my marvel moit, 
Te that a (Jentleman should stoop to boast* 
Your style thrmsomcal had stirred the soom 
Of TaiMTRAM : coHor than a ^ey March mom, 
Had srletmed Kin^ AETKua^a eyes in mute reproof 
Of knight ajipiaufiiTe in his own behoof, 
Or V(iuntinR:ly contemptuous of a foe. 
You wake my wonclc?r. Sir ; 1 do not know 
Your modem chivalry, but headlong heatj 
roatered by hate and fed on blind conceit* 
The clowns of our time had contemned* Methtnka 
Even my ghostly substanoe creeps and shrinks 
At this stranee spirit of a later day : 
Stout it may Tie and forward in the fray. 
But set in nuch churl fashion it had found 
Little acoeptanoo at our Table Round, [ Vanishes, 

Sir Jingo, Stupid old duffer I He talka awful rot. 
Jf A^ ^a a Sample of the Laureates lot, 
" King ABTHun as a modem Gentletnan^' 
Would pronsptly fall beneath St. Jinff^j'a ban. 
He may have suited Camolot very wt4i. 
But would not do for patriot Pall-Mali I [Exit. 

Quite SuperEuous. 

TfiE Timei informs us that— 

» Hii E;tcell(?iniy Phta BHASKArtAWONOflB, EnToy of Hia 
Majeity tho KiDg of SiAM^ U i?iptcted on a tecond viait to 
Liij^lunJ about tho mlddlt of Mny. It had bem atTan|;ed that 
tbf King of Si AM himfl^lf would come to iavfictHia MAJEaxY 
with tho i&fti^nm of thu Order of the White Ikphflut, Lot it i« 
undewtood that Hi* Jdjijeetj'a Yisit ia for the prtKiil|MJfltpoDed.*' 

Yery wisely. The Earl of Bka con shield has inveated 
Her MAJiyTT with such a lot of White Eltiphants already, 
that the Siamese one would have been jilpahly one too 
many. Besides that, Hid biameee Majeaty'a White 
Elephant must have been dwarted by thosy mueh bigger 
White Elephantaj Cyprus, XnrkiBh Convention, Xrans- 
Taal, and AighanlstaiL 

Tlie Premier' a Froblem. 

He took a reckless Resolution, 
And now, perhaps , to hi« confusion, 

Bikssy's Mutioni Disaolution^ 
May prove but Dizzy' b DisiUnaion ! 

Oheat Tbhtmph fob EaTPnAjf Hall*— " Professor 

MASKBLTlJli" returned for Oiaklad© I What a pity he 
didn*t go in for a two-Jioree borough, and carry Vqqkk 
on hu baok I _ ^^^ ^ 



[Apbil 3, 1880. 

'Tis lovely to look baok oh! Stretched my pall 
Of poiflonoiu asphyxia over all, 
lITeek after week, xmintennittently. 
Till mortals, finding that they oould not see, 
E*en at high noon, or what one noon snppoeee. 
Two feet before their f og-ohoked frost-nipped noses, 
Imagiiied, gro win jr gloomier, erimier, ^lummeri 
That day bad whoUy Tftniahed— following Summer \ 
Lord ! what a lark it was to we them groping, 

Like blind black-beetleaj beer-bemuaed to di^zinefis, 

At early, bnt Egyptian * moni to bimitie^s I 
Sniffing and bUGtzin^^ grumbling, vainly hyping 
For my departure, air-draughtia leaa pea-soupy ♦ 
Lung» leaa smoke^ clogged, and bronchial tubf^a less eroupy. 
I raieed the d4iiatb- rates and the gas-billfi high, 
And lowered vigour and vitality* 
Christmaa 1 made ft Itirid murky myatery, 

A sombre, sunle&B^ iWftrt, Serbonian seaaoiif 
For mifity misery unmatched in lii story. 

I almost robbed the artist- world of reason ; 
Poor painter-men went mad above their madder ; 

So abaH my evil Apell extend to Mav, 
"When scantier, lew ealeabk, and sadler 

Must be the E-A.'s ftnnual Art array. 
And now retorniug in the budding Spring, 
When men of course ei pee ted no aum tbingi 
Thinking I 'd Hod^ and of my reig-n left no trace, 
I ^e been and spoilt tiie Boat-Raoe ! 1 1 
DelioiouA I ! 
Didn^t my viotima look supremely viciom, 
As, stealing o*er the reaehes of the river, 
I made them snort* and swear, and stamp, and s^viff— 
Their nosss bluer than their badges ? Drawn 
From distant downy beds at early dawn, 

00 to be sold 1 
Returmng, pinched and f>«eviah, croas and oold, 
To tell the world that though men dare to row 
The raoe in rushing rain or bUnding «now. 
Champions defying deliiire, braving" blast. 
Had to knock under to King- Fog at last I 
Ha ! ha !— how hath my murky timpire grown I 
The circLing year wiE soon be all mine own, 
Eaater electiona 1 perhapa— no— steady ! 

That were sheer waste,' — - 

Di£ET| a man precisely to my taste, 
Has fogged all iMues, and most minds, already. 
But Eyaom !— happy thought I Fm game to bet 
I Ve not yet reacKed the Uinit of my tether, 
I Ve spoiled the Boat-Raoo with infernjil weather, 
And— who knows ?— I hat stop the D^rby 



The WLoaxOifidai iBuM. 

A uoBJsnsQ paper annonnoee :— 

"The St Gothard Tunnel, the loo^ in Hie woeld, in H^e OQ&ptr|uitio& 
of which more lives have been lost than in way A)f6UiBr nmiUir unoertidciqg, 
has now acquired the unique distinction of being the soeiie of a birth." ^ 

The wife of a workman enqiloyed in the Tnimel, im^oii^ cmteced 
it to see her husband, nnexpectedly presented him witih this new 
olive-branch— spmngi to light in the dufk. Mother and child are 
doing as well as oonld be expected. 

Punch, in honour of the event, v^nftoras to dt a new point ^ 4he 
old saw, ^*Partununt mantes naacetur,^ not "Hdicuhu 9I|m/' but 
* * parvtms ii^ans.^^ \ 

Sead Money 4tt Saloxdca. 

Prarajsr rejoices to learn that Golond Stngb ib rdeased— for a jneret 
song— to the very pretty tune of £12«000 1 

It would be interesting to know who has paid the money. Not the 
English Government. The Colonel is an Ottoman emphyi, Not the 
Turks. They haven't got it, and would not pay if they had. Can 
the Brigands have been obliged to Stn es for it ? 

Flood Teraus Fog. 

Will rdls at Bbn, and Bsn at Welliak girds ; 

The wise man owns, whate'er his party kanings, 
That GLiJD8G[X)ins's sx>eeoh has far too many words, 

Whikt Dizzy's words have all too many meanings'. 

A ScsATCH CiUsw.— That of the boat in whidi Cbaian used to ferry 
souls over ancient Styx to Old Soratoh. 

So wonder Beer in Burton should he rooted on a rock— the Bass- 
Rook. Bajbs and Allbopp have it all their own way, not only in 
that oKjBiSY horough, which between them they make, 
*^ Illuitrioufl by their names, 
And proeperouB by tiieir new." 

But in all the apxaroanding regions— 

^ Two men they are to all the eoanty dear. 
And passing rich on profits of their beer." 

WhUe in leas blessed borougha narties and party-leaders are at 
daggers drawn, i| not actually cutfing one another's throats, Burton 
meets in tuneful concord and Brewer^— which seems the best kind 
of brotherly— love, at the Masonic Hall, in Union Street, fliappily 
named locality) to celebrate the unUireatened supremacy of Michabl 
Bass and Sakusl Allsopp— Liberal and Conservative as they are— 
in the genial affections of £ast Staffordshire. 

In a^owledging the toast of the ** County Members," Mr. Bass 
talked sense as flomid as his beer, and paitioularly opportune at 
this time. 

'* If they were to tske all as truth which fell firom the lini of gentlemen of 
both parties, they might indeed tremble for the future of their country. On 
the one hand they were told that a more truculent, bloodthirsty, or disrepu- 
table lot did not exist than her Majesty's Hiusters ; and on the other hand 
they were told that a more raaoally, dishonett, or dishonourable crew did not 
exttt than the Opposition. Those hard words were really only the language 
of innocent metaphor, and all that was meant was that the * outs' would 
like to supplant the * ins ' ; and that if they were in they thought they could 
do better man thoee who were at preient in. Fortunateljr, at the present 
day they did not allow politics to interfere with private fnendship, and he 
hoped and trusted that, however much they might differ on political ques- 
tioner they would never cease to remember that above all things they were 
Englishmen and gentlemen, that they should retain a kindly consideration 
one for another^ and have the generosity to believe that there was truth, 
honour, and uprightness, eyen in those who differed from them." 

Conaervative Aliaopp lihen rose, and said ditto to Liberal Bass. 

This Election Hamumy, in Thorough-Baas, is reallv refreshing. 
And to think that the source of such sweetness should be the spring 
of Bitter Beer I The fountain of such light is the flow of the 
amber-oaial nectar of Bass and Allsopp I 

There is a lesson in this, if philosoi>hy could hut find it out. 
Is it in tJie saccharine <tf the malt, or in the wholesome toide of 
the hop, that we should seek the secret of this harmonising in- 
fluence, or is it that such honest Brewers must be honest men^ and 
BO equally welcome to their constituents, whatever their political 
trade-mark, jbo long as their botde-label testifies as now to the quality 
of their beer P 

Dinitizftd bv ^. 

Pajeivuic in Multo.— Election speecb 


I speeches. O 

'T^OoBsisi«niHm*3a<AWor4eMiMCA«MM»w(r6o«iiult«a«l:iiMfUiipi^i^ At ae «w—iH»m »s rKw n m l wall esJis tf sw i w t if a 

Apiil 10, 1880.] 




Faahumahte L<mdon Cousin E*if ? M^irw Country ditto, a Cornish Vicar's Wife^ who has hwn 
expitiating on the Itocks, the Wniy . tM Snnjrrt^, the Seals, cmd other heatUies of the Cornish Coast). 

**AnD are TBERB ant DrXSSMAKM&S I1< CoRfTWALL?" 


W^t B/ifi Comedij—uil'ij>itH/f'j/n „ ficiM Lata Btport. 

SCXNI. — The Drawing- 2^'^om nf a Bcfgravi^n Mansion, Judidoni Duke diteof^ersd going 
enrefuUy over the items nf a hng knher^ashfr''^ hiU, Confidinsf Trad^fmiaTi waiting 
obsequiously (r). Beautifiilly DrtssM DucheRs toj/tng idly with a parure of diamonds (l). 

Judicious Duke [handing hack the hiU). TVra may take this memorajiduin back, 8ir. (With 
determination.) Not a ainple Tienny of it will I pay* 

Confiding Tradesman. lu^eedt yonr Grao©i you fftirly snrpnB^meP Surely you do not 
deny that the articles, aa spe<^ified iq the tnTnta^^ have befn supplied ? 

Judicious Duke {with ari^U*craiie bonhomie). Not at all, ray pood friend, not at all. On 
the contrary, I am awn re that tbp rioh Lyons velvet, Mmmed bo tastefully iritli. point 
d'Alencon^ which Her Graco the Duches* is doing you ftnd it the honour t^ wear at this 
moment, comes from your exeelleut e&tablishiueut* Ha! hal 'pou my life you are an 
obliRingr firm. [Laughs heartily. 

Confiding Tradesman, We trust to deserve that character, your Grace ; out now Uiat our 
usual five years* credit has run out, we should like to see our money. 

Judicious Duke (nettled). By the memory of my ancestors who fell at Creoy, have I not 
told you that I owe you nothin^r P But as you seem to doubt my ducal word, this distinguished 
legal authority may suffice to silence you. 

Enter a Lord Chancellor. 

Lord Chancellor, With the utmost pleasure. I presume our fair and gracious hostess (hows 
to Duchess) has been runninjr np this, and possibly other little bills, without tlie consent, nay, 
even iu spite of the express injunction, of her noble spouse P 

Beautifully dressed Duchess (coyly), AH, my dear Chancellor, vow avez toujour s raison ! 
Eh hien, i plead guilty. \_8miles sweetly. 

Lord Chancellor (gaUant^), Of course, and as a oon8e<)uence this worthy tnulesman has no 
case. (FHnging himself on to an ottoman,) You cannot recover, m;^ good fellow. By the 
law of England, the husband is not responsible for the debts of his wtfe,* So, prithee, retire 

* Bee latest case, Bebenham v. Mellory decided on appeal by the Lords Justices. 

to your counter, and your reflections, and 
leave us to our tea, and society-scandal I 
IThey laugh heartily at Connding Trades- 
man's discomJUure as scene closes in. 


^CXSTE— Interior of District County Court, 
Experienced Judge discovered on bench 
disposing qf a ^ Contempt " case, In- 
juoioious Artisan, his Missus, and 
Officers of the Court in attendance, 

Expenvaced Jiidga [havmg heard aU the 
^idence). Well, it's very filear that you 
have made no eort of effort to ec»mply with 
my order. Every halfpenny ot your debt 
of £1 17*. 6f/,, for (^ fluppUea to your 
wife, Is fltill unimid ; and tbis, in spite of 
the injunction laid upf>n you by this Court 
(fradiially to difiuharge the whole by weekly 
infttalmenta of haLf-a-cro^-n. It is a very 
bad case. You mu£t go to prison till the 
debt id diBcharged. ^ 

Injudicious Artisan. Excuse me^ your 
Worship, as 1 told yon atore, it ain't no 
debt of mine, My Missus here, as she'll 
tell you, being Aoher tbia mornin', she's 
run up that 'ere tick^ riitht in spite o' me, 
thoagh Fd threatened her witn a good 
latherin' if ebe didn't drop htr drops. 

Hi* Mii^iift {jtimpering teith a curtsey to 
(A I? Bench). Which he did, your Honour 

ItpmliciQus Arii^an. And that's the 
truth, and the *ole truth, no *elp me 

Exptsrienced Judm {imiking to notes of 
nej:t cijse). That will do, I d^ra't want to 
h<far TTouf ^ipldDatioo. Tuu know as well 
as 1 da that hy the hiw of £ngl4ind the 
hufibafid is reftpmiSth'e fur the debts of his 
wife. If T*i"r« t^i^^ ci>Qtraut Ibera, why 
dou't you Iwk after her 1* (7m Officer of 
CWHO There, that will do » Ht move him. 

[InjudieiouB Artisan m hekt'd up, to the 
mrorise of nobody ^ as the Curtain 


A ConTSifPORARY announces the com- 
memoration of Kaisbh WiLHXLii'abirthday 
at Obtrrlahnatein, between Ems and Co- 
bit nt?, hy the opening of the Yictoria foun- 
tain < fij^rmed of a new seltzer spring aooi- 
deiUally disicovered last year through tlie 
lar^e quantity of bubbles in a pond, in a 
briokRtild, fuund to consist of carbonic acid 
gas. Borings made subsequently showed 
this spring to be a valuable one. Its water 
is report (*d ** quite free from iron," and 
"mere like the well-known fiscal Selters- 
wasner than anjr other yet discovered." 
H<^re you have with merely local difference 
aiii>ther cnM^ of tiie La Salette fountain, or 
that of Lourdes, barring tbeir Apparitions. 
Buw^ver, thouirh no Apparition attended 
the birth of this new fountain, its primary 
sbriDK also first revealed itself by a display 
of biibbki. 

Election Anagrams. 
(By a Bored Blue,) 

Mr, W, E, Gladstone (from Midlothian) 
— ^We get on. Lads ! 

CofwertHi^iipe— Voters can vie. 
Liberal—Beta UL 
J^ocftcal— Rail. Cad ! 
ITome-Bule—Oh, lure me I 
Dissolution— O ! is Lion dust P 
Parliament— ^^i^ rile man. 

ovo usque ad mala. 

VOL. Lzxrnit 



[Apbil 10, 1880. 



UvT ^"^'l^^'^yo^^ 


"^Y^- Vt*^^^«.-^ . P«.N.Pv^ 



(See Mr. OladsUmes Letter in reply to Mart/ Sleadman AlcUs's Petition^ 
Daily New, March 15.) 

A 8T0BK was ooming, but men's minds were still, 

And, in the dim tracts of Utopia's land, 

At Merlin's feet the wonld-be Graduate prayed. 

For, yielding to his kindlier moods, the Sage 

Eyen when they seemed nnloreable, and laughed 
As those that watoh a kitten : thus he grew 
Tolerant of what he half disdained^ and she, 
Peroeiying that she was but half disdained, 
Began to break her sports with graver fits,— j 

Turn wholly blue ; and thus she dung to him "v Q I p 
Fixt in her will ; and so the terms went by. r^ 

Apbil 10, 1880.] 




Miek«y Doolan (who Juu dropped in to aee his neighbrnirt the CFlaheriyB). "Will, Pat, how asm n ooiNCi ok these tihes ? " 
Pai CfFlaktrty, ** Iusoant I thakks bb to -ths d^nrra 1 Wc 'bi noEDix' thbbb Pias ok thb Maksiok Hovsb, and atik' the 


Then Merlm laostid Ma baad from hera and said, 
** I never waa Uas wia«, hoirever wise, 
Than when I R^ave you Hrat a footmfl' bore ; 
For, onoe allowed, I fiad you Like the gnat 
That ■^ttlea, beaten back, and, b^attin baok, 
Settles, till I muat yield for wcaTineaa. 
But sinoe I will not yield to^ve yon place 
In aoadonaic contents and deEtrees^ 
"Why will you never ask aome easier boon, — 
Priyate exELtninatioQ aans degree? 
Tea, by St* 5oott, I trttsted you too mndi." 

And ViYiEK. like the tenderest-hearted Miss 
Fresh from the fflobes and Mangnall^ thus replied : 
*' Nay, Master, be not wrathful with your maid, 
Who feels no heart to ask another boon ; 
I think you hardly know the tender rhyme 
Of * take ns all in all or not at all.' 
I heard the People's William singr it once. 
And it shall answer for me. Listen to it. 

*' ' In Arts, if onoe examiners be onrs, 
To take degrees we must haTe equal powers ; 
The loss of these is as the loss of all : 

"' It is the little rift within the lute, 
That soon will leaye the Girton lecturer mute ; 
And, slowly emptying, silence Newnham Hall. 

* ' * The little rift in aoademio lute, 
The speck of disoontent in hard-earned fruit. 
That, eating inwards, turns it into gall. 

"' It is not worth the keeping ; let it go : 
But shall it ? Answer fairly, answer no ; 
And take ns all in all or not at alL' 

*' Master, do you lore my tender rhyme ? " 


(8t. Jamoifs and the Haymarket,) 

Old Cronies is the title of the duologue, which serves as a most 
amusing lever du rideau at the St. James's. It is brilliantly 
written Dy Mr. Thetbb Smith, and played by Messrs. Mackiktosu 
and Wekmak in admirable taste, and with consummate finish. 

The rerival of Still Waters Run Deep, will interest those who 
remember its original production at the Olympic, those who haTe 
heard so much of it since, those who have seen it indifferently 
performed by Amateurs— and what set of Amateurs has not tried it 
at some time or other ?— and the Amateurs themselves who have 
represented it, and who pride themselves on their own original 
readings of the several parts. . 

But with how it was first played at the Olympic, when Alfbed 
WtOAK was MUdmay^ Mrs. Alfred Wioan Mrs, Stemhold, Obobob 
YnriKO Hawksley^ and Embbt Old Pottery I have very litUe to do 
just now—that is, as far as comparison ^oes. 

Most Theatre-goers are acquainted with John MUdmay, Captain 
Hatoksley, Mrs. Stemhold^ and Old Potter : and all who know the 
play are aware, that, in the First Act, Mildmay is deceiving his 
family circle by assuming le role d*un gogo for his own ends, which 
it is the purpose of the play to work out to a triumphant finish. 
Now Mr. Kekdal does not let the audience see that he is only 
pretending to be a simpleton; he treats them as he tr^ts Mrs, 
Stemholdy and attempts to deceive them as he has deceived her. 
As the secret of the play is kept from the audience during 
the Fmt Act, and is indeed only very gradually developed^ it is 
left for the Actors to enlighten us by very marked exhibition of 
individuality. We soon learn, in the First Act, that Hawksley 
is a villain, but only gradually how great is his villainy, and to 
what extent Mrs. Stemhold has been indiscreet. 

If the representatives of Hatoksley and Mrs. Stemhold were, so 
to speak, to ** walk through " their parts, no audience of average 
intelligenoe oould remain in ignorance of what the Author had in- 
tended their characters to be, or what were their motives for action. 



[April 10, 1880. 


Old O0fUUmmn {to Oroom), ** Wht, Mastik, what th9 DJnroB matb tov oot tebki f " 
Oromn.. "Tou told mb tou'd want bombthino to 90 a OAmrAssiNO — ^akd I thought 




{Tu)o Ways of taking a Facer,) 

Stotttlt, Standard, f aoe disaster, 
Brave endnranoe nalves the hurt ; 

Nor like D, T, seek a plaster 
For defeat in flinging dirt I 

Magnify not each small trinmph, 

Minimise not eaoh bad fall; 
Nor to Victors' pseans ory ** Hnmph ! " 

So to hide hoif you sing small. 

Own the truth like a fair foeman, 
Who thy coat hast soomed to tnm, 

And be sure that there is no man 
Who with blosh for thee need bum I 

Notour scorn is for the blnster. 
Blatant blonderinff meant to hide, 

For the funking znadced in fluster, 
And the prophecies gone wide. 

For the reams of rubbish wasted. 
Burst of drums bethumped in vain ; 

Windy bags of words bombasted, 
Blown but to collapse again I 

Prove the worse the better reason, 
Pass thj bray for Lion's roar ; 

Rave, as nts thy name, till season 
Comes for turning coat once more I 


The Post-Office is about to ^t rid of 
its Mannebs. (The young Ladies in our 
Branch-Office got rid ef their Manners long 


Not so with Mildmay, He is a mvstery in the First Act, j ast as much 
as the letter brought by Hawksley is a mystery, awi the audience 
know as little about the one as the other, unless the actor shows us 
distinctly when he is playing a nart to deoeive Mrs. Sternhoid^ when 
he is carrying out his ^* uiieser/aire " principle ** too far '* as regards 
his wife, and when he ie really John mild/nay^ the upright, honest, 
strong-willed, keen-sighted, and politic Lancashire lad. This is the 
sinffle fault that can be found with Mr. Kendal's impersonation. 

Mr. Hare as Old Potter is inimitable, that is, if Old Potter is to 
be represented as an octogenarian. ** There is only twenty years 
difference between us,'' ^^ says to his sister. Mrs, Stemhold. who, 
in spite of all Mrs. Kendal can do to herseli in the way of '*make 
up,'^ does not look a day more than thirty-five, though, according 
to Mr. Habb*s appearance and the dialogue, she ou^ht to be sixty. 
Either Mr. Hare's Old Potter is too old, or Mrs. Kendal's Mrs. 
Stemhold is too young. Supposing we say thirty yei^s' difference, 
and consider Potter as 911 old seventy ? 

Then, again, Mr. Teeriss, as ffawksley, is too young— (at least he 
was when I saw him on the first night : I am informea he nas ^rown 
older and wiser since then) — and he rather enUsted the audience's 
sympathy with his pluck when, in his own room, alone with Mild- 
may, he, slight figure as he is, raises his hand against Ur. Kendal, 
who puts him down at once, telling him not to try that again, as it is 
a contest between a hale Lancashire lad and ** a battled London 
rouS "—which character was scarcely borne out by the appearance 
of Mr. Terriss's Captcun Hawksley, In fact, supposing mildmay a 
champion heaTV-weight, and hawksley a champion bght-weight, 
the latter a trifle superior in science, the knowing hands would be 
inclined to back the Captain in a set-to. 

Miss Oeahahe's Mrs. Mildmay struck me as being e^iaotly what 
a young girl would be who had been brought up by such a couple as 
Mr. Potter and Mrs. Stemhold. She is a mere cipher in the house, 
iust one step aboye the more recently-introduced cipher, her hus- 
band. Taken altogether, the performance is most satisfactory, as 
being interesting and decidedly amusing. Mr. Habe's mauvais 
quart d*heure before dinner is capital. 

Of" ^ 


that strucl 

all" (p. 429, vol. I., letters of Charles Dickens). Ihis opinion 
would be equally true of Mr. Hare's Potter before dinner. I lancy, 
too, that if a tnfle less intentionally droll than Emery's, it is truer 
to nature. 

In the theatrical magazine. The Theatre, this month there is a 
pleasant discussion on the Pit of the Haymarket, which might have 
been headed. '' What has he done with it?" or *' What wiU he do 
without itf" The editorial summing-up seems to be that Mr. Ban- 
croft possesses an undoubted right to do what he likes with his own 
property, at the same time implying a recommendatioa to him not to 
do It again. The Haymarket restored— without the Pit restored— is 
splendid and luxurious. The public has yet to get accustomed to 
such magnificence, and is at present inclined to whisper its approval 
with 'bated breath, and to applaud most decorouAy with yelyet 
palms. Only the utterly farcically comic scenes in money rouse the 
audience outside the gilded frame, when they iq>plaud yigorously 
and laugh heartily. 

Evelyn, with his Polytechnic lecture on gold, and his false story 
of the Sizar at College, and Clara, with more human nature in her 
than her lover possesses, but overloaded with sentiment, are two 
beings whom it is not possible to produce as realities in ordinary 
life. Macreadt and Helen Favcit— stilted declamation and affected 
posturing— these were the original Evelyn and Clara of Lord 
Lttton's play, and so they will remain. Make them less than these 
made them, tney shrink to nothing, and the play lives on Lady 
Franklyn, Graves, Sir Fwedewick, and the reading of the will. 

Yet I neyer saw Miss Maeion Terry to greater advantage than in 
Clara Douglas. Whateyer could be done with this character in our 
natural modem style she did, and not a sign of that oyer-straining 
after ingenuousness which was so specially noticeable in Duty, and 
gaye a semblance of affectation to the Officer's wife in Ours. 

Mr. Arthur Cecil is to be ocmuneaded for making Graves a 
gentleman, and Mr. Bancroft's Sir Fteedewiek, if oooasionally 
overdone, is for the most part decidedly funny. Of course it t« a 
caricature, of a type like those in Vanity Fair. 

In Mrs. Bancroft's Lady Frankfyn ik contained the spirit of the 
piece, without which it would be intolerably laokadaisi<»i. That 
the part for its most successful points relies on broad farce is 
the author's fault, and Lady Franklyn has craftily oontriyed to 
shift most of the farcical responsibility on to the unhappy Chraves. 
who, heayen knows, has enough to bear already, with nis eternal 
"Sainted Maria!" 

Mr. Kemble's Stout and Mr. Forbes-Rosbrtson's Lerd Gloss- 
more are excellent as caricatures, the former being a trifle too ex- 
aggerated, while the latter's make-up is wonderfiuly goodj though 
perhaps not quite what the noble, initiior had in his mind when he 
wrote the character. ^ YouB RKPRBSENTATiyB. 

April 10, 1880.] 






First EUdoT, " Plump foe Slokkb, will tou I— toxt don't iixAir that I" 
Second Elector, "Cbrtainlt— Ha'ix bat nowtI and Hb*ll do mowi^ 



A colloquy and a contrabt. 

Inteblocutoes— 2%d thade of Sib Lancelot du Lake, a Knight ofArthur*» 
Court, 8iE Jingo de Pall Mall, a Patriot of the Period, 

8ir'\Lancelot, Enigrht of a later day, I bid yon hail I 

Althongh not plumed or panoplied in mail. 

As was our earlier fashion, you. belike, 

Have knigrhthood's spirit, proud and prompt to strike 

In high and honourable cause, and yet, 

Gentle, and just, and generous. 
Sir Jingo. Well, you set 

The standard hiffh, but, no doubt, both are game 

To whip the world, and that is much the same. 
Sir Lancelot, Nay, not entirely, 8ir ; in suoh a fiffht 

Suppose' the world, not you, were in the right P 
Sir Jinao, And why suppose suoh rot P Enough lor me, 

lo back our own side, and let beggars see 

What **E,ule Britannia*' means. 
Sir Lancelot, And what is that f 

^V Jingo, Why, Bttll ereot and foreign foes all flat, 

Like tumbled ninepins, or the knights you shot 

From saddle in the lists at Camelot 

One after t'other, if old tales tell true. 
Sir Lancelot, Pray let that pass. The knight his iword who drew. 

Or laid his lanoe in rest, for a bachcause, 

Kot in defence of violated laws, 

Or weakness that lacked champion, won no praise, 

Victor or Tanquished, in our earlier days ; 

So fail Ij whatsoe'er his skill or force. 

To see his claim to honour who 'd diyoroe 

Knighthood and simple justice. 
Sir Jinao, Come, I say. 

That 's Gladstone 's line, the Lancelot of our day. 

As some enthusiasts swear ; though, were it true, 

'T would seem a doubtful compliment to you. 

When your Queen Quiniveee,— nay, never blush I— 
Galled for her Champion, did you care one rush 
Whether her cause was righteous or was not P 
Not you I Well then, to each true patriot 
England 's a Guinivebs ; for her he '11 fight 
And never stop to fuss about the right. 

Sir Lancelot, Sheer sophistry ! Be sure the worthier love 
Of loyal hearts sets honour hi^h above 
All other counts. To know his land forsworn i 
FallhJesa, or self -swayed* open to men^s sooriit 
Thouith strong-i Bucceasfm, acflrthless, to true knight 
Should brinst God wot, aa little; of delight 
As viaioiiof Mb Lady, hailed by fame 
Qaeisn of aO lists yet fitmned by secret ahame, 
Like that which marxed my knightiiood, cankering all 
The generous gifts of nature. 

Sir Jmgo, ^ Ton talk tall ! 

But Huch fine oob web- wearing 's not my style* 
My lot is cast in this aea- circled Iflle, 
And what its intcTCHta claim I 'm game to back \ 
And aa to foryignera,-— a pH^ginif pack ! — 
Old En glands when her monkey's fairly up, 
Cares BOt & curse for Cha&aepot or for ^Tipp ; 
She 'd lick the lot» Sir \ When it came to dIows, 
Was it yottr fashion t piay^ to c^innt your foesF 

Sir Lftncelot. No, nor to vapour loudly in advance. 
The Kniffht most like to battk a uttfrotite 
'GaJntt heaviest odda, we held, wa^ ever he 
Who heeded moit the checks of chivalry,— 
Lover of fair Cause, fair Speeoh, Conflict fair» 
C'OUTteoua and oalm and gravely debonair. 
Of all you teach, what moves my marvel moat. 
Is that a Gentleman should stoop to boast. 
Your style thrasonical had stirred the scorn 
Of Tkistram : colder thaa a grey March mom, 
Had grl^anaed Kini^ AiSTBUa'B eyes in mute reproof 
Of knight applauenv© in his own behoof, 
Or vftuntijjgly contemptuous of a foe. 
You wake my wander. Sir \ I do not know 
Tour modem chivalry, but headlong beat, 
Fostered by bate and fed on blind ooneeit. 
The clown H of our time had oonteiuned. Methinki 
Even my ghostly Biibattnce creeps and shrinJca 
At this strange spirit of a later day: 
Stout it may be and forward in the fray, 
But »et in such churl fashion it had found 
little acocptance at our Table Round, [ Vmitshee, 

Sir Jingo, f^tupid old ditffer I He talks awful rot, 
Jf hii ^it a Sample of the Laureates lot, 
*' King AaTSini as a modem Gentleman" 
Would prompt! jr fall beneath St, Jingo's ban. 
Be may have suited Camelot very well. 
But would not do tor patriot Pall -Mall 1 


Quite Superfluous. 

The Timee informs us that^ 

** His Excellency Phta Bhaskarawonobs, Envoy of Hia 
Majesty the King of Si AX, is expected on a socond visit to 
England about the middle of Hay. It had been airanced that 
the King of Siax himself woold come to invest Hb& Kajbstt 
with the insignia of the Order of the White Elephant, but it is 
understood that ilis Majesty's visit is for the present postponed." 

Very wisely. The Earl of Bbacofsfibld has invested 
Her Majxstt with suoh a lot of White Elephants already, 
that the Siamese one would have been lialpably one too 
many. Besides that, flis Siamese Migesty's White 
Elephant must have been dwarfed by those much bigger 
White Elephants, Cyprus, Turkish Convention, Trans- 
yaal, and Afghanistan. 

The Premier's Problem* 

Hb took a reckless Eesolution, 
And now, nerhans, to his confusion, 

Dizzy's Solution, Dissolution^ 
May prove but Dizzy's Disillusion I 

Gbxat Tbiuxph vox Esyptiak Hall.—'* Professor 
Maskslyits'' returned for Gricklade I What a pity he 
didn't go in for a two-^orse borough, and carry Cooku 

on his back I {^^ r^r^r-^J)h% 

Dinltizftd hv V^OOv IC 
•* SuoAE BoimTY."— Four lumps in a cup of Tea. 



[Apbil 10, lt*80. 



He {modestly), '* Oh, ▲ kind ot i sort of a BAJirr^B-TcN0B-B488, don^ tou know ; liks Santlbt and Snis RnvM rollvd 
nnt> ONI— only vndbb Bbttbb Control t . Tbosb ' Profrsbiqnal Fsllows ' niyrr know how to Sing in a Drawino-Room ! " 
She, "Indbsd! No mobs. do sokb AtcAtsniB I I'k told aonB d^advul Qbbatubb wis trying to sing OouiNOD*^s ^Maid 


He. ** At Mbs. Ponsonby Tomkynb's ? Do Yov know you kost make some Mistake ; fob, oddly enough, the only Peb» 
SON WHO Sang thbbe last Titemday Afternoon was Myself I— and, by a Stbangb Ck>iNoiDENOE, Gounod's ^ Maid of AtBMwa ' 
WAS tbe veby Song I sang J " 

Sh€ (blushing uncomfortably), «• Ah ! rr Vtab soxbwhi^ else, then !— or soke other Day I" 

ffe. "No doubt. I woNDEB M'ffsRE, AND Whsf, AND IVbo IT OOULD SAVE BBBif t^\ lls wmdeting sHll, 


Act IT. Scene 2. 

{Last tceek but two of the JBeaeonsJield Company.) 

Xing John, Lord B. Faulconbridge, Lord S. Peter, Mr. P. 

£ing John. Thou hast made me griddy 

With these ill tidincrs. Do not seek to stuff 
My head with more ill news, for it is full. 

Fauhonhridoe, But if you he afeared to hear the worst 
Then let the worst, unheard, fall on your head. 

And here 's a prophet that I hrought with me, 
Whom I heard sing, in rude harsh-sounding rhymes, 
That ere the next Ascension-day at noon 
Your highness should deliver up your crown. 

King John. Thou idle dreamer, wherefore did'st thou so ? 

Peter. Foreknowing that the truth will fall out so. 

The Olewer Gate Ckmstmed. 

The Lord Chief Justice, Judge hoth wise and just, 
** It shall he lawful," would interpret *' must." 
The Legal Peers their common-sense display. 
And rule '* It shaU he lawful," stands for *^ may.'' 
BeholiL my son, how Judges of this land 
Plain EngUah in two senses tmderstand I 


A MESSAGE wired from Berlin the other morning announces 

'* Attentionf have been ahowered upou Prince Bismabcb this day from all 
quarters in honour of his birthday.*' 

''This day." was April 1. Biskabck, even Bismasge, entered 
the world on the First of April ! 

Here 's an exception to the general rule ; 
Dae bom on All Fools* Day, but bom no fool. 

piat, howeyer, haTing been the day of the gssat Chancellor's 
birth, he obseryed it as a high festival. May we presume to imagine 
the dainties whereon he chose to regale himself in keeping the Feaat 
of All Fools ? We know a man of his large intellect to be capable 
of driiddng a mixture of champagne and stout. Was this the 
beverage with which the illustrious statesman washed down a ban- 
quet commencing with a hors d^oeuvre froid of raw oysters and rasp- 
berry jam, and terminating with a dolce of treacle and stewed cheese f 


Put Gladstokb into Cfreek, and, strange as true, 
Lo, a prophetic counsel comes to view — 
£65alAM#v-xl«Qt^** 0, Midlothian sue I " 



Eastek Wish to the Right Pabtt.— More Happy Returns ! 




Digitized by 


Apbil 10, 1880.] 




Oattghi in ffttghenden Pari, last week and this. 

HERIS '3 no mistake 
abotit it, Mois'TEr, 
my boy. Somehow 
or other wie seem to 
have made a'aerions 
Twenty-five to niile 
to begin irith :j» 
heavy odda ! — and 
it geta woras daily I 
aod fitay there, 

must ba (rratfeful fi>r £Toall merdeg— *o let iia fiay, ** Thank 
n^ CiBDRN is in for Birnatayle I -^—il he can only keep his seat, 
y didn't I lake a Diikydom and a Dissolution after Berlin? 

I shall advise Sausutiby to buy a viDa at If ice 

We must 


It is at leaat a oomfort to reflect that ii they eome into office they 
won't kno^ how to get out of Cypraa^ or Afghanistan either, for that 

Really, Montet, if bad news keeps ponrin^ in at this rate, and 
nothing falla vacant within the nejct month, I 'm afraid I shan*t be 
able to do anything for you I 

Ha, the accounts* this evening are a little brighter I Countermand 
that Coronets 

Whv, this ia worse and worse ! But I always regarded Nemesis aa 
a notaoly vulgar goddeaa. 

_ A. '' little reautbn '' did yon say ? Then wire to Lyrroir to teE 
Mm he need not take the Poet Laireatsbip at Mandalay* 

On second thoughts, teU him he would, perhaps, do'^better not to 
give np the notion entirelv* 

It is to be hoped that whatever ha^ipens, Bmru will find his Naval 
knowledge eminently useful ia eriticUm of those other fellows* 

There, now, my dear boy, put out the lighta, and don*t wake me 
till the tow ^s over and the returns balanced ! 


{An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent^ told in a few Chap^ 
ters properly belonging to the Series ustially headed '^Friends at 
a Distance/* which has appeared from time to time in these 

4- PiCTUBE Of &riLL Life. 
There Ib no plaoe like home to be ill in, but there are many plaeee 
far better than iiome to get well in and to be oonvalesoent in. 

Bnt, if I must be qniet ; if London and work have knooked me np— 
or rather ke^t me np and knooked me down^then absence from 
London, netting out of its reaoh, away from its noise and bnstle. 
ont of sight of its dirt and out of smell of its dust and fogs— all 
these are neceseary oonditbns for the gradual but thorough restora- 
tion to perfect health. 

After the confinement of a siok room, no matter how pleasant 

gentle and untiring solicitude may have made it, oiir natural cry is, 

' Air ! air I give me air I '' and a hybemating Londoner who has 

not seen the sun for months, cries, with the expiring 6k)lTHB, 

*' Light I more light ! " That 's my feeling personally about con- 
yalesoenoe ; and this being mine, I attribute it, sympathetically, U 

I do not inquire into motives, it being, as a rule, an unHatisfactor] 
proeeas, but 1 can- 1 h.^]^ noticing tlmt my friends, hlef^a 'em I seem— 
1 say **seem'' emphatically, because 1 may be wrong— seem mow 
pleased to entertain me when I am a convalescent tlian when I an 
in rude and blooming health. There is more of a rush to get me, 8< 
to apeak. If I am correct in my aurmise, I fancy it is because ] 
am more amenable ai an invalid than when in robust, perhaps ob- 
jectionably robust health. It is quite possible* Judging by my owi 
experience of others— invalids 1 mean to whom I have given ai 
asylum— it is indeed highly probable. An invalid wants but littl< 
bere below, and he is gratefully ready to take that little with th< 
least possible trouble to his host. He has been giving trouble 8< 
long— he has been like CEAJRLBa THE Second, **so unconscionably 
long a- dying," and has got well after all, whieh the sad Merrj 
Monarch didn't, that he feels he owes some reparation to society 
which ia represented to him pro tern, by his immediate friends whc 
have received him into their home. 

He is, c&nsequently, as I have said, ** amenable j " his tempo- 
rarjr diepoeition is yielding; he is grateful for small mercies; mi 
habita are regular ; he does not want to gad about : he does nol 
require to be perpetually amueed ; he is a plain eatt^, a smaU 
dnnker j he needs rest, and takes it, retires to bed at an early hour. 
and, above all, he is peculiarly quiet. These remarks apply, oi 
course, to a con valescen ting invalid, by whieh I mean one who, being 
clear of the wood, ia yet nervous about wasting his breath in holloa- 
ing with joy on that account ; but who doee not venture to rejoice in 
his gradually increasing strength like a giant refreshed, lest he 
should suddenly experience a relapse. So on all these counts a con- 
valescent guest is preferable to a hale, hearty, boastful, unsympa- 
thetic, aelfish, vivacious "never-ill-a-day-in-my-life,-Sir" sort oi 

Without crediting myself with bein^ all that my fancy has jusl 
painted an abnormally healthy individual, 1 am morally certaii 
that more avidity ia shown by my kind friends at a distance— at a 
great distance, too— to take me in when, mind you^ it really is a 
charity to receive me, than when, being in the enjoyment of ex- 
cellent Iiealth and spirit*, 1 heartily ultimate to them that I should 
like to '* run down "—that is the expression a hearty man invariably 
uses— and have a few days' sport, hunting, shooting, fishing, oi 
whatever may be seasonable. In these instances they don't refuse, 
but— in fact there is a '^ hut ^' which preventa their accepting my 
own polite invitation for myself, and then they generally name a 
date when they will he delighted to see me, and when it will be 
utterly impossible for me to go- 

But when I am recovering from an illness— when I am oonvales- 
centing— theOj bleaH 'em I they are friendtj indeed. It was necessary 
to dwell on thUj in order to a due appreciation of the incident which 
disturbed me in my peaceful retreat, and utterly unsettled my 
excellent host and hostess, the Cossetts of Motemoss Sheepton-on- 
Sea, scarcelsr a mile from Lambsgate, which, as some may be aware, 
is deserted in winter, but, as every one knows, is one of our most 
popular sea- side resorts in summer. 

Mutem&Es, Sheepton-on-Sea, is, of all places in the world, the most 
perfect for a convalescent. It is an old gothic manor-house, beauti- 
fully sheltered from the Northern blast a, but open with a Southern 
aspect to the aea. Commanding a full view of the bay that reflects 
rhe ever- varying sky. What lovely winter mornings there are at 
MotemoasI What spring mornings I What an ex pans*? of dear 
blue sky ! What music of plashing waves I What crescendo move- 
ments, announcing a coming storm \ How grand the storm itself I 
Then, when ita fury haa been spent, what a delightful calm, what 
marvellous effects of colour on the rocks, and what a magnificent 
hope-inspiring sunset I For an invalid the manor of Motemoss 
affords extent for suiTtvieiit exerciae; the climate is ddicious— not 
too eflremiaately soft, nat too boisterouFly rough. The worst day at 
6heepton-on-Bea is worth a month of worst days in London, and its 
be&t day ia— at least to m«— invaluable. In winter, one hour of its 
suniihine revives in me all the life that has been choked in me and 
smoked ont of me by London black fogs; and the absolute repose 
of Motemoss, within and without, restores my jaded spirits, makes 
me feel ealm, peaceful, and happy ; f^ves me a distaste for excite- 
ment ; re^awaaena in me a love ot retirement : kindles in my breast 
an unwonted admiration for Ztmfnsrtnan on SolAude^ which I have 
betTi all my Ufe intending to read, and excites my envyof Albxahder 
6>a.riE¥ ; it arouses in me an intense desire of remaining where I am, 
buried in thought, surrendering myself to contemplation, and only 
taking my pen in hand at the bidding of some irresistible inspiration. 

ikrc at Slotemoss 1 never care about seeing the daily papers: one 
of them at eventide, after dinner, is quite enough for any of us, when 
Oie news has been stale for hours, and is easier of digestion— like 
bread. Even then I read the items carelessly, for my host, who 
has been through it, has already summarisea whatever there is 
worthy of our attention, and has given us his opinion, with which 



[Apbil 10, 1880. 



Habit d*Hommb, with plain ob kiltbd Skibt, ybbt tight ; vob faib Ladtbs it u 


«___ Jp^^ffldes^ocUsylstjApril,^ 

I lancroidly agree, or from which, jnst for oonyersatioii's sake, I politely differ. As for 
society journals, for tittle-tattle, for London fgossip. for London soandal, thank heayen, it 
seldom reaches our ears at Motemoss, where we are far away from the busy, giddy, whirligig, 
whizzling world of London life. 

Before leaying town the doctor has told me I mnst do nothing^— ahsolutelf nothing— no 
litmry work of any description; that for awhile my prcyjected sporting historical novel 
entitled Arehnnsde*, or the Tail of a SereWf must be in abeyance ; that mj original 
tragedy of The MaUHer mnst not be touched ; that mj Essay on The Properttes of Zinc 
must not be commenced ; and that my classical comedy o( She linda to Triumph, or Jbelenda 
est Lumbago—ioL which mT critical mends who haye heard it say there is so much back- 
bone—must be left, just where it is for the present, at the end of the Foiurtli Act. I must haye 
no correspondence on business ; I must enjoy myself ; I must bask in the sun when it shines : 
I must be fed at regular hours on the best but plainest fare ; I must be indoors by three at 
latest, and retire to bed betimes. This is to be my life at Motemoss. And, to my delight, tbis 

is and always has been, from year's end to 
gear's end—excepting a month's excitement 
in town during the season— the life of this 
happy family at Motemoss, Sheepton-on-Sea. 

Tneyrise early; not too early, not with 
the first lark, but with the second or third. 
Before nine o'clock breakfast Souire Ooe- 
BBTT is out in his garden, and then out on 
his horse. The Squire, being a Magistrate 
and a Captain of local Y olunteers, aind also 
one of the Board at the neighbouring 
watering-place, has his duties, which gene- 
rally occupy his mominffs. In the hunting 
season, to go out with Mrs. Cossbtt, a per- 
fect horsewoman, three times a week, is his 
duty and pleasure. They don't oyerdo it, 
but return in good time, generally for lun- 
cheon at two sharp. The Squire has some 
afternoon business, which keeps him till 
pearly dinner-time, in Lambsgate, unless 
he is yisiting his tenants, whether cottagers 
or farmers, or walking oyer his property 
gun in hand^ while his wife is out in the 
carriage paying a round of yisits, accom- 
panied by a female Mend, and if yery 
w;arm, and no north-easterly wind to catch 
him suddenly, and send him coughing 
home, by their conyalesoent guest. 

And then the quiet eyenings, the chatty, 
pleasant, homely dinner, the snug mom, 
the cosy chairs, the cheerful fire, the ex- 
cellent coffee, the wee-est nipperlan of old 
liqueur, the fragrant tobacco (if the con- 
yalescent is up to it), the soothing music, 
only played when the demand is unani- 
mous, and the punctuality of the sound of 
the flat candlesticks on the table in the old 
hall, and the hearty *'Good night!" and 
good wishes I peaioefnl hour of ten p.ic., 
how I haye come to loye thee I How haye 
I hated dubs and smoking-rooms, and 
festiye gatherings, and music-parties, and 
dinner-parties, and crowded rooms, and all 
excitement generally. " Neyer again with 
you, BoBDT I" I haye murmured to myself 
as I haye snuggled down into the yielding 
comfortable hA while watching the warm 
flickering firelight. 

Such was our life at Motemoss. A few 
friends, now and then, to a sociable cheery 
dinner, and away at ten punctually; no 
irregularities of time or diet ; no subse- 

Suent regrets ; no yearnings for soda-and- 
)inon; no distaste for breakfast. Over our 
door might be inscribed the motto of the 
pious Benedictines. *^ Pax,*^ 

In this delightrnl state of reyerie and 
rest I had remained a fortnight, carefully 
carrying out the doctor's orders, when one 
afternoon, on my return from my gentie 
walk, a seryant, eyidentiy much flurried 
and dismayed by something unusual, came 
up to me and said, 

** There's a telegram for you, Sir." 

Had he presented a loaaed reyolyer at 
my head I could not haye been more 
startled. I could <mly gasp out, 


"On the slab in the hall," he replied. 
He was eyidentiy afraid of it as an un- 
canny thing, and wouldn't haye touched 
it on any account. 

I took it up and inspected the enyelope, 
as if I expected to discoyer the sender oy 
the handwriting. ItisamistaJceintowhich 
most people, not in the habit of receiying 
telegrams, yery easily fall. Some men like 
to defer the pleasure of knowing from whom 
a letter comes as long as they can by look- 
ing at the postmark, trying to remember 
whose handwriting it is^ examining the 
seal, arguing with their wiyes as to whom 
it can posnbly be from, and finally, with 
great reluctance, after all their coquetting, 
opening it. ^^^ 

1 opea it, dreading something terrible. ^ 

Apbil 10, 1880.] 




Sir Pvmpey Bedell, J, P. (on discovering that hit EggsheU is an empty one turned upside dovm), 
•* What— iTjy-Ar is th» Mianimo of this I " 

The New Page. " FosT o' Haf&u^ Sik 1 '* [EaepHodes, and is dismissed vriih a Month's Wages. 


(By Mr. Punches own Seamperer.) 

I>i7Bnre the fint Sundaf in April and the last Sunday in March, the aUUers of the R. A/s 
and eminent outsiders have, aocordinfr to the now oonseorated cnstoin, been thrown open to 
the Critics and the Patrons of Art. Althongh busily engi^^ in electioneering like eyeryone 
else, Jfr. Punch's Bepresentative found time tojot down a few notes that may serve as an 
overture to the Burlington House Opera. Here are a few of the entriei in our own 
Seamperer's pocket-book, arranged in alphabetical order. 

L. AlmaTadsma, A.R.A.— "iVtfcfe^oncfe," the Divorced Queen, seated at a casement, 
draws aside the curtain and gazes with resenuul looks on the re-marriage of her husband. 
The marble in the picture is (as usual) dashed in anyhow, and without the slightest reward 
to nature. The egg, however, which the C^ueen is on the point of throwing at her faithless 
lover, is verypredous in its fulness of thoughtful meaning. 

G. H. BouoHTOK, A.R.A.— "^ MusieZesson.*^ A littleltalian Lad being taught to i^j 
the flageolet bv his Grandfather, seated on an old-fashioned terrace overlooking a nver. The 
excited Pateriamilias in the background directing a Policeman to order the nuisance 
to move on, is a very noble piece of work, at once strenuous and subtle. 

E. BiTRNK-JoNBS. — - ** The Golden Stairs,*^ representing a comfHiny of Girls in white 

descending a flight of winding stairs. As 
might have been expected from the previous 
work of this Artist, the girls are mai- 
denly yet majestic models of lusty health 
and rich physical development. They are 
dashing down the stairs with a virginal 
vi^ur that seems to echo the glad music of 

Snmitive races, and proclaims the delicious 
awn of ffladness in hearts that have not yet 
learnt life's sad lesson. — Vanitasvanitaium. 

Thomas Fabd, B.A.— '' Handio Mouth," 
representing an aj^ and needy darinet- 
pliiyer, accompanied by a little Doy with a 
monkev, making his frugal nurohases in a 
Chuidler's shop. One of those chapters 
from the Simi>le Annals of the Tillage roor, 
which this sifted Artist records with so 
right a hand, and a mind so far above the 
oonventional and commonplace, 

W. P. Fkith, B.A.— "2%« Praum Sel- 
ler." A scene at Tenby. A deeply aigni- 
ficant presentment of a practical joke. The 
Prawn Seller has nothing but shrimps in 
his basket! 

Sir John Gilbebu, E.A.— " The Murder 
of the Duke of Gloucester." The delicate 
half tones of uds dainty picture are in the 
Artist's most serene manner. The chief 
defect of the work is the lack of energy- 
there is no dash in the colour, no bravura m 
the drawing, no ** chic " in the composition. 

H. Heukoxsb, A.B.A.— ** Grandfather's 
Pet." Old man kiddnff out intruder. Why 
IMdnt a subject so painful ? If the aged are 
subject to sudden bursts of passion, is this a 
reason for consigning them to canvass—par- 
ticularly in these electioneering times, when 
irritation at a Canvasser's call is surely 
excusable P 

J. C. HoBSLXT, 'SlIl.—^' Leading Strings." 
Sweetly illustrating the lovely old way of 
training children up in the way they should 
go. Next year we may look out for a com- 

Sanion-pioture called ^^ Little Toddlekins "— 
ie first softly staggermg steps of unas- 
sisted babyhood— a subject as new as it 
is touching to the deep heart of maternity. 

Sm Fbxdsrick LneHToir, P.B.A.— A 
series of ideal Female heads remarkable for 
the strenuousnees of their forms and the 
glowing life blood of their flesh tints. The 
vitality and vigour of the President's virile 
hand^'may be traced in every touch. 

J. E. MiLLATfl, E.A.— A noble portrait 
of ''True Thomas of Chelsea," and for 
companion, another hardly less memorable, 
*' True John Evbbbtt of Kensington." It 
is but right that a grand old master of the 
pen should be balanced by a mighty young 
master of the pendL 

J. O'CoNNOB.— " Sunrise from Waterloo 
Bridae." A companion picture to *' We 
won't Go Home tiu Morning." 

E. J. PoTNTKB, £. A— " Visit of Venus to 
JSsculapius," to whom theGoddess, attended 
by the Three Graces, is holding up her foot 
.^Isoulapius indignantly explains that he is 
not a chiropodiBt. The contrasted expres- 
sions of the God of Physic and the Goddess 
of Beauty may have suggested the second 
title, " Com %n Egypt." 

V. C. Pbinsbp, A.E.A— '*I%« Durbar, 
Delhi." A wonderful milSe—wiih Major 
Babnis in his tabard. Lord Lttton shining 
as the Star of India, in sky-blue, if not blue 
sky, and all the Bams, Jams. Ban^jams, 
Nizams, Salaams, and other Inoian Princes 
under our rule, hailing Yictobia, hy 
grace of Bbaconsfibld, Empress. ' This 
glowing little canvass will, no doubt, be the 
centre of attraction in the Miniature Boom. 

Bbiton Bivibbb, A.B.A.— "2%« Night 
Watch." Notto be confounded with **7%i; 
Day Clock." The attempt of the owner of 
the night watch to wind up his time-piece 



[April 10, 188a 

with a oorksoiew has apparently been miBnooesafol, and Mb feelinga 
tinder f aiinre are yery tenderly touched. 

G. F. Watts, fi.A..— A fine portrait of himself, which will not be 
exhibited with the iime-hononred title of "Portrait of a Oentleman^** 
bat nnder ihejeu de mot " What '« Am name f" It is destined for the 
Painters' Portrait Ghdlery in the Uffizi, Florence, where it will take 
the distingtushed place it deserree in the Uffizial Catalogrues. 

Here Our Own Soamperer's Note-book ends. 

N.B.— PtmcA'« 0. 8. does not disguise the fact that he has seen none 
of the above pictures, and knows nothing about Art; but in these 
enlightened days of sdsthetic enltthtenment, easy manners, and free 
thought, is there anything in either of .these details to preyent him 
from exercising the functions of an Art-Critic F A right-minded 
eoho will assuredly answer, *' Certainly not I '' And Mr, Punches 
Own Scamperer is a ri^kt-minded eehov^ and repeats the substance of 
what he hears, if occasionally with vaHations. 


{After Doctor W(Uts.\ 

3 nPis tlie voice of 


'^ I heard her 

*'I'm wide awake 
now : I won't 
slumber again I 
As IklCi^terf amilias, 
once out of bed,, 

I must saoli^ nnr late 
servants, ana turn 
off their head. 

' ' A little more sleep, 
and a little more 

And my wars, bir 
and little, had 
grown out of 

Over vanishing 
trade I 'd have 
had to fold hands, 
Perplexed, not with 
orders, but debt- 
ors' demands. 

'*I passed Jingo's 
Music Hall, lit 
with blue fire. 
That on Russia's big boge^ blazed higher and higher, 
I heard " ItuU J^ritantm, saw waving of fiags. 
With a great deal by way of bounce, bunkxun, and brags. 

'* I called Upon Jingo as hoping to fiiid. 

Common sense had found access, at length, to his mind. 
But he told me his dreams, talked as if he 'd been drinking. 

For he reads the D. T., and has long given up thinking. 

** Then, said Punch to Johk Buzl, * you take warning, J. B.,' 

This Jingo's a picture of what f^e might be. 
But thanks to our friends for the care of our breeding. 

Who Warned us, betimes, the D. T, against reading." 


l.—For the Young Women, 
" Sweet girl graduate! in th^ golden hair.'* 

GxBTOH is nowing— im numbers Ab in honounu Opened in 1869 
with siz.StudfintB in a humble hired house at HitohuL in 1879 the 
humble lodging-house had swelled to a handsome College, within 
easy readi St OEUnbiidge— as it hak shown at the last mamematioal 
examination—with 60 regular studenti, of whom thirty-six have 
received degrees, oertificatea, and twenty-four have been declared 
up to the standard of honouza in one of the Triposes. 

The Council of the Senate of the University of Cambridge, in 
acknowledgment of these proofs of vitality and vigour, have wisely 
appointed three representative members of the College. 

If things go on Jhs they have begtin, th6 60 Girton girls will, six 
years hence, be 21M). .. 

The friends of the College are anxious to prepare for this increase 

of its daughters. The foviaders am in dtibt ftome £6,200 for borrowed 
money, and want to po^y it off. To tiiia ap|>tial for help towards this 
^ood purpose, Pujich is glad to eec appended besides the names of 
Lady SxA^^LEr of ia^BKELKT for £500, and Lady GoLDSiOD for £100, 
with other leis imi>08ing handsome tiontribtitions, that of the Cloth- 
workers' Com puny for £315, and the Brewers* Company for £100. 
Better sUGh gifts, oh, my worthy Guild- friends, than many dinners ! 
Punch would sooner have your Companiea than your, rooms, while 
you so spend your revenues 1 

Funck ffladly ^ivea his publicity to the growth and^ glorv of 
Girton, ana direction to thoae who feel inclined to give on its behalf, 
either to the Treaeurerf Miaa Da via, 17, Cunningham Place, London, 
the '* Girton Cijliege Account," at the London and County Bank, 
or its &ecr«tary, Mrs. Cboou Eobebxsoit, 31, Kensington Park 

1L*-Fvr ty Old Woman, 

HaTiDflr paid hia debt to the young women, Punch passes on to 
what he is glad to Own as a debt— aod not his debt only, but all his 
readers' J and all KngliBh and 6cotii«h wurking- men's— to an old 
wonmn— a poor old woman — Jaj^kt Eamiltoit, of Coatbridge, near 
Glasgow, who died in October, 1S73, at the age of seventy-eight. 
After the siorica (so well told by Sawukl SaiLEs) of Bx)BKBT Dice, 
the bakwr-ge^^Wbt and botanist of Thurso, now dead, and Thomas 
Edwa&d^, the fihoemaker-tiaturalist of Banif, still living, there are 
few reoords, even in the annah 5f the Scottish U poor— so life, to their 
honour, in lives of self-devotion and self- cdture— more remarkable 
than that of this poor old woman. 

Bom in Ootober 1795 ^ the daughter of a small shoemaker, after- 
wards a field labourt^r, of Old Munkknd in Lanarkshire, Jaket 
Hamilton woa brought up from early pfirlhood to the hard work of 
the apianing whetil and the tambour frame, married her father's 
journey man ia 1809, bore him ten children, and after a happy and 
JaboriouH married life of sixty-three years, died in October 1873, 
leaving behind her such utteranoesof her thought in prose and verse, 
as are not unworthy for sinking power of a countrywoman of Robert 
Burns, while they bespeak a spirit as hi^h above temptation, as 
devoted to duty, and as cheerful under F,eVf- sacrifice, as his was 
impatient^ uure^itrained, and irregular* ELiiviag taught herself to 
r^^s.^ with out so much aa a start from the village school, she rapidly 
exhausted the scanty libraries about her^ and, while never neglecting 
her hard ^' day's darg^^"* read, leamed, marked, and digested so much 
of the best poetry and the beat bbtory as came within her reach. She 
was full besides of the abundant; folk and ballad lore of her region, 
and ioved nature and iiowere as keenly as books. 

She was fifty before she taught herself to write— out of printed 
books ; and after that a|fe, living in Coatbridge, one of the grimiest 
and squall dest suburbs of Glas^Wt among &ijma of tJie roughest and 
most arunken of its iron- working population, keeping her house in 
order, bringing up her largo family, working all day till nine or ten at 
night, then readiEg till two in the mornings and up again at seven, 
through many yeare of this life of labour, she uttered in song much 
that is always tender and re lined ^ and miioh that is wonaerfully 
beautiful, eitinsidering her circumstanoes and ^surroundings. And all 
thia while flhe did more to promote good causes, and, above all, the 
cause of temi>etanoe, in the drunken population round about her, 
than aU the teachers and preaohers^ 

For the last ten years of Jawet Eamilton^b life she was blind, 
her eyes having failed her from over- labour ; but in her blindness 
she was good and cheerful as ever, and she saog to the last— better, 
perhaps, for her blindness, as cruel folk« say caged singing-birds do. 

Two volumes of her prose and pt^etry have been published and 
sold otf , and deserve to be reprinted better than most remains. 

When she died in 1873, after a model life, not only of such self- 
culture as has been described, but of cotirttiay and charity, kindli- 
ness and pi«tv, quiet dignity, and warm atfecjtion as a wife, mother, 
friend, nei^hboiu, and example, she wa^ followed to the grave by 
m^ay thousand p, who knew what her daily existence had been, and 
many of whom had been turned from evil ways by her influence. 

Punch now telle Ms readers of this remarkable life's work, because 
it is proposed to erect in Coatbridge, where the lived and died, a 
drinking fountain in honour of her, who so well deserved a memorial, 
and to whom such a memorial is bo appropriate. 

The Treasurer of the Fand is Mr, Jobln' Cowpee, National Bank, 
Coatbridge ; and some £iO of the money for the memorial is still 
wanting. It is little to the credit of Glasgow that air^ appeal 
beyond her borders should be necoisary ; but it is hardly to be 
regretted, if it serves to make moro widely known the name and life 
of JilfET Hamiitok I _ 

Bziif JAHUf TO BEiTAJfiriA.— JV«fic dimittis ! 

Ev-VJiTVU. — " T/tftf uImo ««♦#, whii tmfff tlnnd and wait.** Miltoh's, of 
but be ought to have corrected it. ^ O 

ttw m pt d and dkrteiti t^mUpt, OogiutkomHUhipL 


April 17, 1880. J 




*« Look— LOOK, Papa I ffs*s at the Top of the Pole / " 

IPoor Papa, an umuoce^ful Contervativt Candidate^ cant tkmd U, 
refuge in the Monkey-House. 


The GoTemment have been beaten all oyer the oonntry 
by an oyerwhelmingr majority. RHasons for this are as 
plentf as filaokberries. Among them we may mention 
those of 

A Keen Political Observer—^* Beoanse the weather has 
been dead ai^ainst them all along." 

The Country Tnry—'' Beoause that f ellow GlaDSIOITE 's 
a match for Old Nick himHelf.*' 

The Ntn-th' Country Wh^'le-Hogger—^BeQAuae Brl- 
coNflFiBLD has had rope enoufrh." 

The Mtetrttpolitan Conservative—** Beoanse yonr average 
Working Man is snob an ungratefnl fool." 

The Suburban Slcwfer--^* BeosLXiae your Jingoes are 
snob a set of blatant idiots." 

The Unsuccessful Candidate—** Beoanse that lying 
agent didn't half work np the canyass." 

His Amiable Better Half—'* Beoanse, as I told him 
before he began, to please the mob he ought to haye 
gone in as one of thoee horrid Radicals." 

His Son The Captain—** Because the Cbyemor ought 
to haye known that it *8 only Cads and Attorneys that 
put up for Parliament." 

The Music'HaU Barittme—** Because that new Jingo 
Chorus was as flat as ditch-water." 

The Rational Tradesman—** Because they didn't oome 
down hammer and tongs on those infernal Stores." 

The Humanitarian Enthusiast-*' Beoauae they kept 
the country in a feyer, threatened eyerybody, and un- 
settled eyerything all oyer the world." 

The Irrepressible Patriot—*' Because they didn't throw 
a hundred thousand men into Galliuoli, and pitch the 
Russian Ambassador into the Channel." 

An Exultant Antagonist— ** BeoBusB they 'ye out- 
raged all the sound sense and Christian sentiment of the 

A IHsappointed Supporter— ** Beoamte they've been 
so »hy of trusting themselyes to the National feeling." 

The Eight Hon. Jfr, Tadpole—** Because they haye 
been monstrously too irood." 

The Right. Hon. Mr. Taper—** Beoanse they 'ye been 
awfully too bad." 

Lord Beaconsfield— ** Because popular pxaiae is as 
passing as it is palling." 

AnyiCB TO Fagot- Votbbs.—" Cut your stick I " 


At the Gaiety to see the ** Voyage en SuisseJ*^ 

"Ektivq heard great things of the H^nlov-Lbbs at the Gkiiety, in 
Ze Voyage en Suisse, I went expecting to be highly diyerted by 
these Pierrots : and, as far as they are concerned, the performance 
more than realised my anticipations. 

A Pantomime in Three Acts sounds formidable ; but there is just 
a thread of a story, and the action is so rapid, and executed with 
snob maryellous neatness and precision, as neyer to weary the spec- 
tator, though it does bewilder him considerably, and, while watching 
the absurd feats of the two comic seryants, it leayes him, at the end 
of each Act, uncertain as to whether he is on his head or his heels, 
but quite sure that he has been laughing at it most heartily. 

That I am unable to say with any precision as to what the piece is 
about, may be owing to my haying unfortunately missed the com- 
mencement ; but as to what the Hanloit-Lves and M. Aoottst are 
about there is no difficulty whateyer in ascertaining, oome in when 
you will. 

They are certainly wonderful Pantomimists, and the sprightliest 
of acrobatic performers. So intensely droll are they, and so fixed is 
the attention of the audience on these the central flrures of this 
eccentric performance, that the business and the dialogue of the 
speaking actors who are engaged in assisting the story, and allowing 
the Hanlon-Lees breathiuflr time, go for yery little, except in the 
Second Act, when the situations in which Bf r. Pbvlet, Mr. Rightov, 
and Miss Lawlee are concerned carry along briskly what, after the 
rattlinir comic pantomime, might be a trifle slow. 

The Train Scene, showing tne compartments while the train is in 
motion, is yery ingenious, and the rapidity of the action is startling 
and always amusing. 

Had it oeen all in action, without any speaking^ and only in the 
hands of pantomimists, with suitable musical illustrations and 
occasional concerted pieces and choruses, it might go eyen sharper, 
as it seems to me, than it now does, — and that is saying a good deal. 

The scene in the Third Act, where the HAKLOifr-Lsss represent 

the two Scaramouches gradually getting intoxicated, and unable to 
distinguish between a candlestick and a wine-bottle, is immensely 
humorous, and their subsequent escape from a Gendarme, personatea 
by M. Agoust, is capitally managed. 

The whole performance is unique, and well worth a yisit from all 
who wish to see to what perfection Pantomimic Art can be brought. 

Next week I hope to be able to report on the two other reoent 
noyelties at the Op^ra Comique and the Folly ; and till then I am, 
a* «ver» YouB REP&BSEETATiys. 

Bung, fron hie Bier. 

** He .being dead yet speaketh." 

Hbsb lies one 

Who, if Froth had been Fact, 

And Rxoise-lioense English Lib^ty, 

WonkL haye sayed the Country. 

As it was, 

He expended a great flow of language. 

And a greater of liquor ; 

He gained nothing to speak of. 

And he Cisl three-fourths of the Bleetions. 


The most no-Toiious county in England^Durham, which has 

Liberals • • .13 

Conseryatiyes • • 


The News-boirs at the stations are hawkih|r the latest biography 
of .the '* late-present" Pbsmisb as *'Benjamtn DisraeUr-juat out I" 




[April 17, 1880. 


Digitized hv 


April 17, 1880.] 




{An incident from the Diary of a Convaleseentt 
told in a few Chapters vroperly hehngina to 
the Series usualiy headea ^^jP^riendt at a jDis' 
tance" which has appeared from time to time 
in these pages,) 

*' Oh seab, what oak thb Maitbb bs f '' 

This was the telegram :^ 
" Coming down this train see you hisiness impoT' 
It was sent by "R. BoiLnroBBOOK, Holboro 
Yiaduot/' just fiye miniiies before the starting of 
the train. 

To reply, ** Don't/" was impossible: he was 
already half > way on, the road by the time I reoeived 
his message. 

" Important Business ! " In my state of tran- 
anil ponyalesoenoe and listless ease the word 
'^business" was quite enough to unsettle me 
withoat ^e ** important.'' Here was I, so oalm, 
so quiet, in such pore eontented enjoyment of the 
repose at Kotemoss, so far from all mundane 
thoughts and cares, so willing to remain in this 
state of all but intellectual ooma, and to be thu* 
rud^ broken in upon by ** Business important " ! 
** Here I " I oomplained aloud in a querulous 
tone to myself as I stood all alone^telegram in 
hand, in the comfortable study — ** Berelhaye 1 
been ordered—positively ordered by the doctor— to 
do nothin^to do absolutely nothing ior weeks. 
And I retire far away from London to do it ; 1 
hide myself ; I don't give my address even to my 
dearest friend, telling my fsmily to forward my 
letters under cover once a week ; and« within the 
first fortnight, before, so to speak, I have had 
time to recover my breath, down comes DiGX 
BoiLDr«BBOos up<m me with >Basines»'I" I 
shoulda't so much mind, if I were propt^ed^imt. 
with pillows in an arm-chair, and had tiie ghasUy 
pallor, the f[uaverinjg voice, with the lean lank 
hands, and, in fact, in a general way got up like 
Mr. Iryisb as Louts thfi Eleventh. But Vmnot: 
and BoiLnreBBOOK, seeing me now as a oonvaks-: 
cent, looking three times as well as ever I did 
when in full health in London, will look upon me 
^shirker of work, a sham, and a qxm^on the 
olous sympathy and generous hospitality of 
friends. At the very idea my brow bec<»nes 
imy. for I see myself exposed as a hypoehon- 
lOal hypocrite who should be at once banished 
n Motemoss, and sent to the Printers' Galleys 
|t sentence of hard labour for life. It is so 
{insiderate of one's friends who, seeing ^ou look 
A, refuse to believe you have ever becoi ilL 
Chere was no help for it. Burning the telegram 
tuldn't prevent his cominff. I couldn't upset 
s entire household by sending someone with a 
Mflu^ to the Station. The household was not 
eostomed to sudden vaffaries; messages wc 
iver sent except by the boy with the post-bag 
; regular stated times. As to telegrams, they 
•e looked upon by Motemossians as an invention 
^ the Evil One, exc|n»t in very exceptional oases, 
when they are considered as exactiy the reverse. 
There ia no one of all their dependents who would 
ffo off in a hurry anywhere. They don't believe 
m hurry; they don't even force vegetables and 
fruit at Motemoss ; so there is nobody to take a 
telegram were there any use in sending one* Be- 
sidoL I couldn't refuse to see a man who had 
travelled nearly a hundred miles to interview me 
on important business. In another half-hour the 
train, if punctual— or in three-quarters at most- 
would have arrived. Then, what would my host 
say? He had not come Mek from Lunbsgate, 
where, I believe, it was a market* and Sessions 
day^ and Mrs. Gossm was out "xetnining 
duties," as we phrase it at Motemoss. 

If Dick Bohjhgbboos were a solemn, sedate 
publisher, or such a dignified personage as I im- 
agine the Editor of the Quarterly to be, then, I 


Did hx xvbr 

Stalwart AtKUts, <*A— I was at School with toub Brothxb. 


Fair Wrangler from Oirton, "ISio ; bitt whxh I was a uttlb Qibl I used to bem 


IThsy dameSf fall in love unth each other, marry, and live happily ever after — need vfs 
add that, in poUiU of Statwre^ Sense, and JBeauty^ the numerous little TonUinsons 
leans noUwng to he desired. 

feel intuitivd^Ti he would not be out of keeping with the surroundings in Motemoss. 
Such an individual would enter as noiselessly as an undertaker, would ^lide into the 
library, as though the atmosphere of these old bodLshelvee were familiar to him, 
and would soon be absorbed in the books. The '* important business " of such a grave 
and reverend person would be. of a kind quite compatible with the retirement of 
Motemoss. It would probably be to arrange with me for an essay of some fifty pages 
on the age of Sxnhachebib when he came down like a wolf on the fold, to appear 
two years hence in the first quarter's magasine of that date. But then he woulif not 
have telegraphed—^ would nave taken three weeks to fix such a visit. Besides, 
the CoflBXTTS, whose evenings are decidedly studious, and who, instead of frittering 
away their time either in vain and empt^ society in their own house or out of it, 
absorb regularly ev^ry night as much solia magazme literature as is good for them, 
or even sometimes more than thev ean carry between dinner and bedtime, would have 
been proud of having so leamea a pundit in their house^ and, figuratively speaking, 
would have sat at his feet. But Diox BomNeBBOXB is not a reverend Sifnor. nor 
a learned Pundit, nor an Editor of a Serious Critical (Quarterly, though, if ne chose, 
he oould give some of these gentiemen more information on most subjects in five 
minutes than they would pick up in as many years; for Dick BoiLiNaBKOOK is a 
of most acute and rapid observation, retentive memory, ready wit, quick 



[April 17, 1880. 


PWit MerchaiU. " Wbu., what »» FsBtH I '» 

8$cimd MereharU. '*0h, I thuvk Tsniaa ABi looking bittib, Pboplb 


FirH M$reha/rU. ** Think so t ** 

Sioond MerokemL '* No tMuvr ov rr f— Good MAR Faona ttbbd to Ridb, 
YOU KMOW— Walk now I— Ta, ta " 

applioation, and rood sound practical common sense in eTerjthing. With him 
there are no two bites at a cherry : if he likes the cherry, he takes it at once, 
rejecting the stone. Nor does he know two ways of compassing an object : he 
goes straight at it, and obtains it if he can : he doesn't beat about a bush him- 
self, but he is sharp enough to take advantage of somebody else*s beating, 
potting the animal as it runs out, and walking oS. with it in his own bag. 
Dick is a citizen of the world, at home everywhere : kindness itself; generous, 
impulsive, detesting cant as much as duplicity, hating Pharisaism, out with 
no great admiration for the Publican ; never rough, ever ready ; with a certain 
brusquenessof manner, acquired by continual telegraphing, so that his epigram- 
matic letters and way of speaking are now as characteristic of the man as were 
the Wellington despatches of the Iron Duke. Dick has lived sufficiently wisely, 
and never too well. He has gone in for all sorts of trades, businesses, specula- 
tions, and professions. He is proprietor of two or three theatres, though 
his name doesn't appear, and owns as many music-halls ; he is mysteriously 
oonnected with auMt of the amusements and entertainments all over the world ; 
hii directs the theatre at Alexandria hy telegraph ; at a moment's notice he 
ean recall the most popular actors, or musicians, or singers from their tours in 
tha United States ; he has agents at the Antipodes, who, without his support, 
wouldn't know whether thsj stood on their heads or their heels ; he has entered 
into a oontract with the Mjjlldo for a ''Yarietv Sntertainment" in Japan, 
though ha has not yet quite suooeeded in oiVBroommg the difficulties placed in 
his wavhy the Emperor of China, who, I believe, insists on having a few 
little things of his own performed efvery season, for which he will take all the 
reofiiiits without any abatement; and it is generally supposed that the Shah of 
PjotttA'B visit was only one of Dick Boiungbbook's speenlatioiis, iAumf^ he 
would have nothing to do with the unhapi^ Cribwato and his wives and 
daarhtert. Besides this, he is the landlord of a few pKmrietanr ohapels with 
good wine-vaults below ; he k eoBWil t ed on all sorts of Metropolitan Improve- 
Bsnt Buhjeots by SabConunittess of the Board of Works, and his information 
% oorzeot and mvaluable ; he knows what to buv. when to buy it, and the 
*■' Buurket to buy it in ; he is oonneoted officiali^ with several daily jour- 
and is part-proprietor of some of the light magaaines and weekly Olustrated 

** comics" ;' he has a small rising property by the 
side ; it is whispered that he is goiu^ to stana'for some- 
where at the next election ; and he is' the active partner 
in two or three restaurants and hotels. He is here to- 
day, gone to-morrow, somewhere else the day after, and 
Heaven knows where after that. He turns up when you 
least expect Mm— as now— always on business, yet he 
seems to have plenty of time on his hands for pleasure, 
for reading, — ^there isn't a paper he doesn't take all the 
honey out of in about half a second, and he reads them 
a//— and, I suppose for sleeping. I nave once seen him 
asleep at the Club in an arm-^air over a publication — 
well, I forget what he was reading— but as Thackkrat 
said, when he detected his own novel in the somnolent 

person's hands, '*Let us pass on" and once I have 

seen him— at least I fancy 1 saw him, though I could 
not make my deposition on oath—asleep in the corner 
seat of a first-class carriage on the Eastern Counties 
line. But even on these two occasions not the sharpest 
barber— not Fi^ro himself— could have done much in 
the way of shaving Mr. Richabd Boilingbbook'b eye- 
brows. And this wonderful being — ^this restless, per- 
turbed spirit, the embodiment of the pu8h-alon(p genius 
of the present day, this man of perpetual motion— this 
is the gentleman who is coming to flutter the Dove-cot 
at Motemoss with his important business. 

It has utterly upset me^ to beein with. What is his 
business F I haven't an idea. He has so many busi- 
nesses ; and having myself a knack of tumiog my hand 
to a few things in the literary and dramatic way, Mr. 
RiCHAHD Boilinobrook Considers me as a sort of 
*' general utility " in the above-mentioned lines ; and. 
for my own part, I find that my Pegasus makes a good 
serviceable sort of cob, and hia weU-clipi>ed wings save 
me a considerable sum in goose-quills. It Mr. BoiLiNe- 
BROOK wants a topical song for the Great WagOk Lion- 
Comique at one of the music-halls, in which he is 
** interested," he sends to me ; if he wants a pantomime- 
opening for one of his theatres, if he wants a stump- 
speech for the ** comic man" of one of the numerous 
troupes under his direction, and for various other trifles, 
about whose authorship the public neither knows nor 
cares— as why should it r— Dick Boilinobbook generally 
telegraphs to me. 

But here^ at Motemoss, I have got out of all this : in- 
stead of music-halls I would give mvself up to medita- 
tion. I don't care about topics. I don't want to read 
about them in the newspapers, far less to write songs 
about them. No, I loathe and despise all this tin-pot 
frippery, and would take up something grand, colossal : 
something that will leave its mark in Literature and 
Art ; something that will be a household word wherever 
the Englitth language is spoken, that will live when lion 
comiques, topical songs with catchy choruses, burlesques, 
and suchlike follies are dead, buried, and forgotten. 

What is Dick Boilingb rook's important business P 
Mrs. Cossbtt and her sister, a quiet, elderly widow, and 
her maiden aimt, who never goes about without her 
'* work " in a small basket, and never allows Satan to 
have the slightest chance of finding her some mischie- 
vous employment for want of something better to do. 
all these three ladies deeply sympathise with me, and 
think it really quite heartless ot any one, no matter who 
he may be, to come down and worry a convalescent, 
placed in their charge for rest, on a matter of busi- 
ness. *'And to send a telegram, too!" exclaims the 
aunt, sitting down to her work. She loathes telegrams, 
and shudders at the bilious oolour of the teleffraphio 
envelopes. All medicines should be alluring to the eye, 
and pleasant to the palate; and telegraphic envelopes 
should be pretty. The Squire arrives. He takes a new; 
view of it. 

** Delighted to see any friend of yours, my deax 
fellow," he says to me. 

** That 's very good of you." I return, sadly. 

•*0f course he'll dine with us if he *s got nothing 
better to do," the Squire says, to which his wife adds, 
*♦ Oh. of course." 

1 tnank them in Dick Boildtobbook's name and my 

'* He oan*t be here mnoh before dinner now," obserres 
the Squire, consulting his watch; '*bo he won't have 
any time to bother you about business, and we won't 
give him a chance during dinner." 

Excellent plan ! I thank the Squire sincerely, lor my 
nerves are dreadfully unstrung. O 

Apbil 17, 1880.] 



But Btdll Dicx BoiLiHOBBOOK will see me at dinner— «nd—and;-I 
regret to say I do feel uncommonly hnngry. If he sees me eating 
and drinking heartily, he 'U show me no compassion, hut have me 
up to town to work at onoe j perhaps take me hack with him I 

There is only one thing I imjplore the Ladies and the 8qnire to 
rememher, and that is as 1 put it to th^n piteonsly, j* 

** Don't let him keep me up late," 

That is my dread. If I am not in hed hy half-past-ten at tin 
latest, I am a lost man. I feel it. like the nnhappy Coupeau ja 
L*A$8ommoir. wheiu on reooyering from his deUrium tremenM. he is 
told that a glass of hrandy will oe his min, and who dreads the 

Eroximity of the hottle, so L knowing my own feehleness, knowing, 
ow difficult it is to retire where a guest wants to remain, pray mjt 
host to insUt on my retiring at an early hour, and I heg my hostess: 
and the Ladies not to delay their departure heyond their usual time, i 
'* My dear fellow," saTs my host, ** you know our rule here, and; 
we never hreak througn it for anyone," Then he changes the 
subject. '* By the way, what does your friend drink P Anything fj 
Everything?'* , 

Yes, anything and everything. He is, I sav, one of the moft 
genial fellows in the world, and the easiest to please, and no sooner 
have I given him this character than there is a ring at the hall- 
dqpr, that sets the yard-do^ barking outside, and brings out thd 
inner canine guards bounding And Mrking and growling, causing: 
the master and mistress and servants to chorus out in diHerenti 
tones, *' Quiet, PmcA^/ Down, O/^n/ auiet, iSnap/ Be o^et,! 
Pttggins/" and, the dogs having been chivied awaj, the larger 
ones shut into the back part, and the smaller oameid or drivem 
forcibly into the drawing-room, the door is opMied, and from the 
library, whither I have retired so as not to be in a draught— I' 
must on no account be in a draught— I hear Dicx'b well known 
voice asking for me, and in less than another minute the library- 
door is opened, admittinir such a blast of cold air as might have 
announced the presence cf Samlets father's ghost, and the servant 
ushers in — 
'* Mr. BoiLiKOBBOOS, Sir." 

I tremble, actually tremble. Decidedly I am not in oondLtkm. 
Had I committed some fearful crime, and the Detective from Boot- 
land Yard had found me out at last, and had got the warrant in one 
pocket and the handcuffs in another, £ couldn't be more excitedly 
nervous, more agitated than I am now on the entranoe of Mr. 
BoiLiNeBBOKB ou important business. 


Of all the Candidates for seats at this memorable G^eral Election, 
there has been none more entirely after Punches own heart, than 
Major-General Field&k, Candidate for North Lancashire, with 
Colunel Staklst. If he is returned, he will, in his single simple 
self, supply the place of the inexpressible Doctor, the (mat Migor, 
and the Old Admiral— TWa functa in uno. 

Punch has received a ream at least of reports of the 0eneral*s 
Blackpool oration. While sweet in its infantile simplicity, it is, 
like aU sweet things, a little cloying, from its constant ringing of 
the changes on a few themes, alter the manner of the Lancashire 
Bell-ringers. 8o Punch has thought it best to put it into pontic 
form. And here it is : — 

Mqfor* General Fielden^$ Speech at Blackpool^ bth {not lifj qf April, 

I 'm a simple old soldier, as all the county know- 
Ask Dr. CoCK&B and he '11 tell you so— 
And, really, to Parliament I don't want to go. 
So when asked, in all humility I said. No, no I 

I love the British Army and the English Church do., do.-^ 

Ask Dr. CoGK£& and he '11 tell you so— 

I 've nothing to do, and there 's nothing that I know; 

But I 've come into property, though why 'tis hard to show. 

I met a man in Preston a few days ago— 
Ask Dr. CocKKR, and he'll tell you 

By whose judgment in politics I 'm quite content to go : 
**Have you none of your own P " if you ask, I answer,"17o1 " 

Says I, "from change of Government, d'ye think good would fldrf^— - 


The only country worth a dump the world oan show,-— 
Ask Dr. CoouBB and he'U tell you so,— 
Is England. I may be a fooL but that, at least, I know, 
So elect me, or take Stobt— I don't like Stories, though I 

Thi mzw Scotch Pibblb.— Gladstone. 


Will he disoontiniiB his sabioription to the Dailp Teleffraph^or 
double it? 

Will he spend his last oflldal honn in profviding for his friends, 
■ad laving torpedoes for his foes ? 

WiU he accept a Dukedom, and a Garter for his other knee F 

Will he provide himself with inextinguishable laughter for an 
ittdeAnite period in the shape of a candid autobiography F 

Will he establish his asoendenoy as a eontributor to Blackwood in 
a series ol artioieB ef a highly patriotic, not to say aggressive, 

Will he give ns laether notel, Hehly qnced with personalities, 
and containing **combinationB" a la Fak-red^deen^ to be carried 
out on fiome future occaBion F 

Will be tTUD bii attention to Cla^ioal literature, and add another 
tmneUtian of Hon KB to th« many eJLtant examples of that favourite 
ftat of rfetired statesmanship Y 

Will he go m tor Athifctica P 

Will he^ in defer^noQ to the general sense of the fitness of things, 
take up his abode in Cypnia, aud devote himself to the development 
ot the incapabilHteB ot that mt^refiting island F 

Will he eiU^nd the acientUia frontiers of Opposition F 

Will he give bia moral support to the Home-EulersF 

Will he show the strong cii ot a Statesman of threescore and 
something over in kicking againat the pricks F 

Off will he aco«pt Ma enforced retirenient with dignity, elMer- 
fulnesd, and reiignatlou f 


NmniHK d la Bmu appears to have extended itsell to Ireland, 
if there is no mistake in the following report of a fearful and 

*^ Attbkvt to Blow up a. Loan ICatob. — At a lata election meetiiig in 
Ceont^ Carlow pareeJa of dynamite weie placed under the platform. The 
diaboUoal ^loL which might have resulted in great loas of lile, was happily 
diMO?ered m time, and the dynamite barmleasly buried." 

Although exceptional Irishmen have heen known to employ an 
explosive suhstanoe for an unlawful purpose, and there may still 
exist some misguided Patlanders camible of blowing up their poli- 
tical oppooentai let us }ii;pe that this was only an endeavour to 
frighten a Lord MEi)'OT, smd not to hurt him. If, however, the 
parals really dontained dynamite, and instead of being exploded, 
were simply buried, they now constitute a mine, into which a person 
not aware of its (?:(i^teDoef may hereafter delve. Then will some 
unfortunate iTijhinan, throigh this truly Irish method adopted for 
the safe disposal of dynamite, get blown into smithereens at the 
hands of other Irishmenl 

DiMe Xori, or Diny's Last 

'MnmnBS sehlom practise what they preadi. 
And so men oft negleot their axluwtation : 

Yet Ministers, whatever their lite, can teach 
Li death that best of lessons— £ 





[April 17, 18€0 


San and Htiir {tucUUtUy diMoUtfied wUh his Stature, his Personal Appearance, and the Quality of his Jntellect), <' Aw— what ok xarth 


Sir Wobertand Lady Mawiah, "The old, old St0HW7, my dxab Boy I W» yxll in Lov« with omb anothah— aw— aw ^' 

Son and Heir, '*Aw—wkll— you 'bs both suoh Awr'LY good old.Dbaws, that I fobgiyb you. Bitt you wbally should 


Foot Onb, and oan't say Bqh to a Qtootat, and— a— justly pass tob bbino thb gwbatbst Quy in thb wholb County— aw I 
Just Look at Mb, confound it ! " [They look at him, and then at each other^and haven't a uord to say. 

yftsUs done I And sorely it is well. 

Whatever wary wisdom urge. 

Not prompt with peean or wiUi dirge, 
Till Truth and Time shall test and teU. 

But Time is champion of Truth, 
And loTe of Truth has firm upborne 
This fighter 'gainst the doubt and soom 

Of callous age, of cynio youth. 

And Time, sure-footed Nemesis 
Of fear and falsehood and unfaith. 
Has left Truth's witness free from soathe 

Of Hatred's howl or Envy's hiss. 

Yet let not worsted foemen lour. 
Mere conquest is a trivial thing : 
Wise laureates little care to sing 

The petty triumphs of the hour. 

For Fortune's wheel has many turns : 
The windy praise, the wild acclaim, 
That make the moment's fleeting fame, 

Are meeds the nobler spirit spurns. 

: (W. E..a. Apeil, 1880.) 

Wisdom reserves its calm applause 
For victors in the worthier fight. 
The struggle for. the better light. 

The higher aim, the larger cause. 

And when the dust of conflict clears. 
And party passions pale and die. 
And like dawn-frighted spectres fly 

The flock of hates, and spites, and fears : 

When blind appeals to passions blind 
No longer stir the State to storm. 
And Patriot Honour's placid form 

Beacons once more the public mind : 

It may be even foes who fret 
At uie hot herd's applausive breath. 
Shall own well won the Yictcnr's wreath 

Upon the Yeteran's forehead set. 

Well won I The war was fierce and long. 
The champion had his flaws and slips. 
But, with whatever faults, his lips 

Spake truth, and in its stroigth were strong. 

Counsel of policy's quick fears 
He never took, he struck his stroke 
For justice, and no clamour broke 

The passion of his seventy years. 

The fervent tongue that scared the wise 
With too tempestuous eloquence. 
Ne'er lost its hold of fact and sense. 

Or paltered with the plague of lies. 

Let lesser eyes spy out the faults 
That marked the arduous campaign; 
His shield bears dints, but not a stain ; 

He held the truth 'gainst all assaults. 

And he stands Yictor I That is nought 
To one who looks beyond the day, 
Nor cares to join the blatant bray 

Of trium]^ o'er the foes he fought. 

Englishmen theVi as As is one : 
But holding that he fought tor tight, 
And waged a fair and gallant fight, 

PuncAhaflsthe Yictor with '* Well dcme I" 

Thb Shout op Scotland.— Where are the Conservatives P Elcho 
answers. Where ? 

Rasjb Avbs.— " A Scotch Conservative and a Liberal Scotch- 







Ladu of the Lake (dighUy alUred), O 

Digitized by 


April 17, 1880.] 




{N,B, — Fi>r eorroboraiion apply to Our Oum AlarmUt) 

I AK told on the best authority that the Qjnsss will have nothing 
to do with any new QoTernment. and means to take np her residence 
permanently at Baden-Baden till the ConseryatiyeB return to power. 

Of oonrse yon have heard that GLAJ>8T0ins goes at onoe into the 
Upper House as Doke of Midloti^ian ? 

I oan't give y;ou. off-hand, all the names in the New Ministry, but 
you may take it for certain that Wilpbxd LiLWSON, Chambkblaiw, 
and Rtlaitdb are all down for something uncommonly good, while 
it is quite settled that Bradlaitgh goes to the Education Office, 
LABoxrcHJ^BE to the Admiralty, and lin>XBWicK to the Woolsack. 
AH the Lords in the Cabinet and the Household, still ungartered, are 
to toss up between them for the first vacant Qarter. 

One or two of the first innovations, of course you know, will be 
the abolition of the Queen's Speech, the supi>res8ion of the Reporters' 
Gallery, and the exclusion of the Opposition from the House on 
Qovemment nights. 

Here are a few items of HAXirireTOir's programme, for the authen-. 
ticity of every one of which I am prepared to vouch. 

Universal suffrage to everyone, male and female, above twentv, 
who shall have resided a whole fortnight in a county or borough, 
and obtained a Sohool-Board Certificate. The reduction of the ex- 
penses of the Navy to two millions a year; the equal subdivision of 
landed property : compulsory athletics; and the honorary banish- 
ment of the Duke of Cambbidoe to Monaco^ for the purpose of 
studying the organisation of what is left of its military estaoilishment. 

Of course you have heard, too, that Canada is to eo to the States, as 
a settlement of the fishery difficulty ; while Gibraltar, Malta, Aden, 
and as much of India '* as is disposed to accept its independence^'' 
are to be put up at an International Auction at Berlin, f^f the benefit 
of the Bulgarian Exchequer Y 

There was some talk of beheading Bxaconsfibld on Tower Hill^ as 
an example ; but the idea ^ill probably be shelved, for fear of giving 
unnecessary oifenoe to the Bi^iety for the Prevention of Cruelty to 
Animals, and tha Lioens^d Viptuallers. 

Following tha precedent Bit in the ease of Wabbut HAnmrfts, 
Ltttoit i« to be impeached as booq as he lands at Southampton. The 
Tory OppoQitionj however, will spare no pains to idiield him. As an 
earnest of tbtar determination, they have, it is said, already 
entrusted hi» defence in the Lower fiouse to the new and rising. 
Member for Baro&taple, Sir Robert Casbbn*. 

Did I tell TOTi that a^i soon as the inoney can be got out of the. 
sale of the Cnamiel Islands to France, Cyprus will be returned to 
the Porte, with a cheque for £2,500^000, and an apology P 

Beport says, too^ that Ireland, with Pabhxll, Biogab and 
O^DoNiTELL as its tnumvirato, will be conditionally affiliated to the 
United States ; while, in exchange for the privile^ of coaling at 
Smolensky Russian sMm of war are to have the right to refit *' in 
times of international disturbance " at Plymouth, Portsmouth, and 
Sheemess, free of expense. 

Taking things all round, the Session promises to be one, as 
our dear Ex-Premier would have said, **Both memorable and 
miserable I " 


Shall our Bsacons-field be darkened, shall our Beacon be snufied 

Shall the great heart of Jingo sink at the foemen's flout P 
Stifled and swamped in evil honer by hair-brained GLADsroirB's 
windy power 

Of vile verbosity P 
Can India's Empress, England's dueen, give her Chief no redress P 
Csn the ** Consolidated " Turk no gratitude express P 
Must he retire to Hughend^n, and end his days, to Bucks and men 

A curiosity P 
Shall Ada and Afric, India, Russia, the Cape, 
Find no monumental tribut(B to give their feelings shape P 
Is there no grandeur we can add, to crown a great life it were sad 

Should not end greatly P 
Yes, the world has one throne vacant, and history one page. 
Both worthy of his filling, who recalls a grander age — 
A throne that hard on Asia's shore displayed Us empery of yore, 

In splendour statelv. 
Jemealem and Cyprus formed of old a dual realm. 
Needs not to say man of the Kings who swaged its storied helm- 
But that an Isaac held its throne, once of a time, for pomp far 
known, ^^ 

Who lived in dover. 
Till England's stalwart Lion-heart out of him took the shine, 
And to another sold tibe seat— of Lttsigitak's hi^ line— 
Out, the great 6Krr, who, when he dropt the Holy City's sceptre. 

To Cyprus over. 
Cannot BKA<x>imiSLi> be askml to resume this ancient throneP 
The TumereUi Wreath might then be to a crown full-blown. 
** King BENJAMIN," a title fair worthy of e*en hi$ wearing were, 

Of rinff Mosaic I 
For brass, with tin when blended, from Cyprus oopper came. 
From the sea-foam of Cyprus Aphrodite ht her flame : 
To the bright reabn of Brass and Froth, who could so well as he 
shift both, 

From lands prosaic P 
Most *' men c€ ^ht and leading " would flock unto his oourt ; 
And Messieurs TBHEFrrr's nice younsr men would thither re-resort. 
To cut off monarchs' hair instead of prieste' who 'd keep theirs on 
their head, 

As they prefer to. 
So might the present sad eclipse be turned to splendour new ; 
Sir ^TAFFOBS might be sent to trim the Royal balance true ; 
A^d BsirjrAMnr the Fibst mjgh^ ^traight» Turkish reforms initiate, 

And Sultan spur too. 
At Peace with Honour fancv painte King Beitjaion reclined. 
In a Scientiflc Frontier established to his mind. 
O'er Famagusta's harbour fair,— with room for Earth's ships and to 

Stretehed at his feet I 
So might he dose his evening in placid contemplation 
Of the big word&, and little wars, he gave the British nation. 
Though what we'll do when he is gone, who shall say but D. T. 

His organ meet I 

Highly Appropriate. 

In view of Mr. Gladstone's policy being enforced in some of the 
struggling dependencies of the Ottoman Empire, Mulet ben Hassan 
OsiCAN Effendi, the Master of the Sultan's Private Band, has 
composed a National March, witii ^e initial bars 

-§r-nr\ I J i777YTTT \ 

B ▲ 

B A G e 

"'iJinifizftd hv 


CFuIJSLMUS ^BniVrnJa.— WlLLtAIC Tfl:B CONaXTKBOB, A.I>. 1880 1 



[AptiL 17, 1860. 



Country Dodor (« they ccmu from Chwrch), 
Manqlbs, how did tou VOTl ! " 


Ruatic *' Well, Sat, both Pabtiss tbbt com axd axbd mi^ akd I blyb to om, cults 
I, Tbs, and I couldn't sat No to t*otbbb, so I takes mt Ballot Cabd, gobs nno thb 


Voted I " 


" He gets out of it by walking (his chalki).*'— IVaMj2a<io» hy Bimareh, 

iA Pag€fr(nn Somebodies Diary.) 

Uoin>Ar,'~Yeij mnoh annoyed to find that the apelling of a recent despatch is not in 
accordance with my own notions of orthography. Only one thing to do. Immediately 
tendered my resignation. 

, Tuesdays—On reodTinff a letter from the Emperor declaring that he had passed a sleepless 
night on acoonnt of yesterday's proceeding, determined to reconsider my decision. Stipnmted 
as a condition, that three of the Ministers (whose behaTioor in this matter has long oeen an 

annoyance to me), should be dismissed. The 
condition has been jovfidly accepted, and 
to-night ^e Palace ana the principal raUio 
offices are to be illominated in honour of 
my renundatiMi of my resolTe of yesterday. 

Wednesday.-— ¥mi that the Bondesrath 
won't c(msent to impose a tax nnon chil- 
dren's postage-stamp albums I This, with 
the agony I am suffering from a confounded 
toothache, driyee me nearly wild I Of 
course my course is dear I Telemph my 
resiffnation on the score of ill health. I will 
teach them to braye me I 

Thursday.^'£h» Boyal FamOy haye paid 
me a yisit, and on their knees haye besought 
me to reconsider yesterday's determination. 
Her Majesty informs me that the Emperor- 
Eing declines all sustenance, and has worn 
his pickkhauhe constantly for the last f our- 
and-twenty hours. Fears are entertained 
that His Majesty may not hold out the 
week. Eeluotantly withdrew my resigna- 
tion on condition that all the General Post- 
Offioe Comminaries should be demded, and 
that a new tax should be imposed upon toys 
of ey^ry dee^^ription. These suggestions 
haye beeiL grateniUy accepted, i can see 
by the frequent and magnificent displays 
of fira works at Btflin that my yielding has 
giveo tKfi liveliest satisfaction. 

Friihif/.—M^ Bill for preyenting anyone 
froni speaking in the Eeichstag has been 
actually defeated I Of course ihaye sent 
in my resignation, and think seriously of 
seeking naturalisation in Russia. My an- 
noyance is too great for words I Still I wish 
I hadn't flung my heiduk out of that third- 
floor window. This impatience is a weak- 
ness unworthy of a man of blood and iron I 

Saturday,— 'Ot course they haye consented 
to anything and eyerything. Consequent 
witharawal of mj resignation for l2ie 
present I The rcgoiciiig caused by the an- 
nouncement of my self-sacrifice Bubch 
describes as beyond description. I shall 
take a holiday tor six months I Germany 
and Europe must wait till my digestion 
has recoyered from the eifect of this week's 

Blection Nursery Bhymes. 

DizzT the Deep has lost his sheep. 

And don't know where to find them ; 
Let them alone, and they '11 come home. 

Without the M.P. behind them I 


Dick* and Ben, 

Bid up like men. 
To buy the C<»npanies' Water ; 

Ben came down, 

In spite of the Crown, 
And Dick oame tumbling after. 

* The Sight Hon. Bichabd Asshston Cboss. 

'< Sword and Piatol" in Paris. 
A sensation trial in Paris— of SLcantatriee 
charged with attempting to assassinate a 
man who had been ner loyer, but whom, 
haying behayed yery ill to her, she shot at 
with a reyolyer, and seyerdy wounded— 
has terminated, of course, in her being found 
not guilty. An acquittal in such a case 
was the least that could be expected of a 
French jury. It is a wonder that their 
yerdictwas unaccompanied by a panegyric 
on the course ^e Lady had taken to ayenge 
her wrongs, and that they did not repro- 
duce ^e precedent recorded in Bong of the 
Britidi CSiptain in a similar case, who, 
when informed of the shooting of Biiiy 
Taylor by its spirited heroine, "worry 
much applaudedher for what shehisddonel '' 

Apbil 17, 1880.] 






PBOPHEsmro is a danf^eroTui yenture on the yerge of a General Election. Only one 
prophet—Sir William Habcottbt— has won honour in his own oonntry, hy the exact 
correspondence of the eyent to his forecast of it. He said that " the first day of the 
new Parliament would he the last of Lord Bbaconsfibld's Goyemment/' and the 
only question now is whether Lord B. will not anticipate the new Parliament's 
assembling by performing the '* Hari Kiriy** or happy dispatch of himself as the 
Head of a defunct Administration. 

One particularly unsuccessful, and, it must he added, unwise, prophet is he 
who launches his bolts from the most serene heights of Jingoism in the columns 
of Blackwood' $ Magazine, In an article of the number appropriately dated the 1st 
of April, and entitled '' The Appeal to the Country," he nakedly puts the question 
—without the least hedge to dodge behind—" Lord Bbacohsfisld appeals to the 
country to say whether he is not the ri^ht man in the right place, nis policy the 
only possible altematiye to national humiliation and confusion ? " 

And the United Kingdom most distinctly and decidedly, with yoice all but 
nnanimous^ye from the City and the Metropoutan Counties— trom North and South. 
East and West, from its great manufacturing centres and its small agricultural 

market-towns, from its cathedral cities and its 
industrial capitals, from its counties and its 
boroughs, its towns and its hamlets, answers as 
plainly as the triple tongue of Great Britain can 
answer-** NO." 
Poor Prophetl 


(After Dr. WaUs.) 
I.— Plat (Iitnoceht aitd Othebwisb). 

Abboad in the Boroughs to see the Blue Lambs, 
And the Red lions, rather too free of their dams, 
Striding up for what both call their rights : 
Or a knot of young roughs, whose right place 

were the cage, 
Of their hustling and horseplay well-eaming the 
Are not pleasant election-time sights. 

If we'd been bom Ducks, we might dabble in 

Or Dogs, we might snarl till it ended in blood ; 

But we claim to be rational creatures ; 
And DizzT and Gladstokb, and such pretty names. 
We ought to know better than fling, to our 

like mud, m'eaoh other's flushed features. 
Not a harsh thing Blues do, or a hard thing Bnffs 

But with Blue and Buff bilk should be wiped 
dean away. 
They are fools who let foolish words hurt. 
Not so roughs* rude horseplay, who fight and 

throw mire. 
Or, still worse, penmen's frolics, who fling about 
In Jingo Drawoansir disport. 

II.— LoyE BETWEBir Beds and' Blubs. 
Let Frenchmen fight with kick and bite— 
r Thfey cfui't use flats, we know- 
Let Turk and Buss take wrongjfor right, 
It is their nature to. 

But, Britons, you should neyer]let 

Such Party-passions rise. 
As, eyen at Election times. 

To— blank— each other's eyes I 

Afghans. Zulus howe'er we treat. 

Let 's keep ^e peace at home : 
Where Bads and Jingoes share the^treet. 

To cufis they should not]come. 

Birds in their little nests agree. 

And 'tis a i>ainful sight, 
When fools, though of one family,! 

Fall out and chide and fight. 

Hard hustings-names, hot platform-words. 

And blatant leaders' breath, 
Take shape in Clubs. Lies' two-edged swords. 

And mob-war to the death. 

He 's wise who tongue and temper schools 

Through the election fight. 
Nor holdeth all his foes for fools, 

Himself still in the right. 

Bivmni of Wealth. 

Fbox recent correspondence touching the Me- 
tropolitan Water Supply, it appears that £95,000 
is considered moderate as the price of an old 
Water Company share. At this rate the Thames 
may be regarded as one branch of Pactolus, and 
the Lea as another. 

After DiMolntion, Oormption. 


Not under a Glad-stone, ^ 

But a sorry Boord, C\r\cs\(^ 
The Borough of GreenwidA^ ^rS ^^ 
Haying gone to de Worms I O 



[April 17, 1880. 


By Order of the Highest Oowt of Appeal. 

Thb oom- 
plete stock of 
yaloable ma- 
chinery, trioks, 
properties, &o., 
of the Impe- 
rial Star Com- 
pany, whioh is 
retiring from 
business, in- 

costumes — 
among them, 
those of an An- 
gel. Country 
Squire, Yeiled 
Prophet. Medi- 
cine or Mjstery- 
Man, King of 
Cyprus^ Em- 

Sress of India, 
ultan of the 
Eaiit, &c.. &o. 

A wonderful 
set of Mario- 
nettes ( life - 
size), with the Cabinet, wires, and apparatus for working 

A choice assortment of Bogies, Ghosts, and Hob^gob- 
lins, with blue-fire tins, and lime-light apparatus com- 
pleter-among them, the Czar of Russia, Rt. Hon. W. E. 
Gladstonb, ** Spectre Rouge," ** Dismemberment at 
Home," ** Degradation Abroiui," &o., &o., &c. 

Transparent show-boards with illumination lamps and 
fittings, and sensation mottoes—** Peace with Honour," 
"Scientific Frontier," "Gates of India," &o., &o. as 
good as new. 

Also a Policy of Assurance in the Royal and Imperial 
Austro-German European Company. To be taken up 
subject to any daims upon it. 

Also £4,000,000 fully paid up Suez Canal Shares, to- 
gether with a large key (supposed to be that of the Gates 
of India). 

Also a number of Salisbury Surprise Crackers, of a 
highly startling character (patented by the Company). 

To be sold without reserve. 

A^ply at II, Downing Street: at the Office of the 
Patriotic Association, 464, PaU Mall ; or of Gladstons, 
Gbaittille, HASXDiGTOir ft Co., Solioitors for winding- 
up the concern. 


BoHOO I Which it 's bitter^ it 's bitter, as gall ain't the word by a lot, 
Angoetory is simply not in it. Old England 'U go straight to pot, 
There I nothink can't saye her, no nothmk, my 'brella is busted and broke, 
Like the glorious gingham onoe wayed by the waliant ex-Member for Stoke. 

Poor Dewdrops I he 's down on his luck, but not downer than Bstst. Ah I me I 
To think that the day arter all should be won by that W. G. 
As I thought was played out so completely, and therefore turned up once for all, 
And now here he oomes right end hup, not a mossel the wuss for his fall I 

And Bjbvgt, my Russ-bearding Bbvgt, as chaffed him for being werbose, 
Has been wociferated from orfioe. (Hi, lor I it 's a deuce of a dose I 
Apill as poor p£ia cannot swaller Hiiout many a gulp and a groan. 
Which a stummicking William's wild words ain't nothink to eating my own. 

Which eat 'em I '11 'aye to, iporient, or else be left out in the cold. 

Oh Bekgt, my 'igh 'earted *ero, my patriot 'orty and bold ! 

Our country's ongrat^ullsr sacked us, they 're arter that William like sheep, 

And the wildemMga now ia our sojnn* our portion to wail and to weep I 

'Owl swore as the country wm with yoo, and now all the towns is gone wrong, 
And the counties, imss luck, Pollers soot^ naldid trust to back you up strong ; 
I 'm a tryin' to soften it down, Bbit, to show the best brains go for pou^ 
But I fear it won't do, my dear Behgt, I 'm orful afeard it won't do. 

G^-r-r I the baffe and onthankful PhiHstiaoM I The thought makes my tears to 

bust f ortL 
Serye 'em right if they *!« reglar muaeied up by that bragian old Bear in the 

Which I 'ye swore sacking yon, Bev, iMant ruin, and now all my Bogies is 

And 'ow I 'm a-going to sguare it is more than to me is beknown. 

"Safe-guarding the Hempire," won't do. ^^ Perish Injy," dcm't fetch 'em no 

** Antinationals," '* British Bulgarians," '* Thusters for Otterman gore," 
All— all my most chiceet eggBpressioiis of hinsult, and scorn, and disgust, 
Is as useless as broken pea-skooters or pop-guns whose barrels is bust. 

If I 'd stuck to the Woodman—but thenu that 's all rubbige and fiddled edee ! — 
Had I jest cast my eye oyer Hstry, I might ha' surmized 'ow 'twould be ; 
Which Administrations is now but a sort ol a match played by innings. 
And BsNeT is bound to Bland lidded, when them Radicals tott up their 

Old Betst 's a ** practical" party, like Bob, which his surname is Lows, 

As has pulled up his slakes jest in time. It 's a blow, my dear Beit, it 's a 

blow ; 
But wot 's an old 'oman to do P Vyeone ankorcher left as is dry. 
So I wipes my buit weeps, and feak better. Good bye, my sweet BsireT, good 


The BuBHine Q,xje8tio« ix Mi»LOTHLUir.— Our Faggots : Where haye they 
gone to,? Axe I 

ijScMxra^A Medical (kmndtmif Boom. Physician and M.P.) 

Phyeician. Suffering from neryous exhaustion and a sense of irrita- 
tion in the larynx P No wonder, m^r dear Sir. Put out your ton^e. 
Hat Not much amiss after all its electioneering oyer-exertion. 
Talkiilg it the rate df a long pamphlet a day for days together must 
haye terribly tried that member— that meinber's member. Ha, ha ! 
Tremendous ti^ of all the yooal organs. Lucky not to haye got 
acute laruimUe. Narrow escape. Ikm't do it again. Sir— don't I 

M.P. Well, Doctor, perhaps we did a little oyerdo it. 

Physician, A little I Enormously. What an expenditure of 
breath, and that for a spare man like you. Dear me I 'Tis a mercy 
it hasn't pulled you down more. 

M,P. In what way. Doctor P 

Physieian. By abstraction of yital force, mj 'good Sir, and ooa- 
sumption of tissue. You talked not only jpolidcs, but ponderable 
matter away. The yoice is formed by a wind as well as a stringed 
instrument. Words are breath. The products of respiration are 
water and carbonic acid gas. Think of the weight you must haye 
lost in these substances alone. Fancy all the carbon precipitated 
from all the breath you wasted— I beg ^our pardonr-used in speak- 
ing so many words. Imagine it exhibited in a solid form. I 
hayen't time to calculate how much off-hand ; but it would make 
an appreciable mass of charcoaL Or, let us say, if crystallised, the 
material element of that brilliant oratory would resofye itself into 
a large dianuind. Why. Sir, you resemble the girl you haye read of 
in the fairy tale who talked precious stones. 

MP* Gome, coma, Doctor, you are too oomplimentary. 

Physieian. Ah, but then tiiere was someoody else, you know, 
who Ulked toads and frogs. 

M,P. Oh, oh! 

Physician, Well, well: it wasn't you, but the wrong man— the 
man on the other side. They all talk toads and frogs on that side. 
On yours, of course, eyery oody speaks gems. But, next time you 
speak, do, for goodness sake, sp^ fewer. I shall not prescribe 
you any medicine. Rest, at present, is all you require to cure the 
consequences of your caeoethes loquendi. 

M.P. Ah^ Doctor, you don't know the necessities of political 
antagonism, and how much hammering it takes to beat an idea into 
the brains of an intelligent oonstituenoy. Thanks, dear Dootor, for 
your ezoellent adyioe with regard tojE^reoious stones; and now, in 
return, accept tins honorarium of premous metal {gives him a fee). 

Physician {pocketing fee). That was speaking concisely and to the 
purpose. Stick to that. [ ConsuUaHon closes. 

Sthohtmous.— The Will of the People— The People's William. 

Punch's Appbal pob a Giland Old Woman.— (See p. 168, No. 2022.)— 
We Bhould haye added to our last week*B appeal for the propoaed Drinking 
Foimtain in honour of Janbt Hamilton, the Coatbridge Poetess of the 
Poor, that subscriptions will be receiyed in London by Mr. William 
Phillips, 26, Coal Exchange, who knev iier, who appreciated her writings 
and her life's work, and has done his best to spread a Knowledge, and secure 
a fitOng memorial, of both. Let all Glasgow men, and all iSootchmen, in 
London, join in doing poethninous hononr to one, who oonfen sueh honoor 
on the ** guda town " of St. Mango^ and the gude blood (rfLanarkahire. 


.— «to JWtor dm ml Md Hsmy iymi<t to meknemUdet, 9wtur% srjwy/sr OtmtraMHian*. Mimssms 

Ap£il 24, 1880.] 




Bcss^^At/oot qfhUl leading to the Castle, on road from Baihoay SUUion, Svddon stoppage of Carriage, 

Noble Owner. "Wbll, Mabtin, what's the mattieT" 

Coaekman. ** Wht, tov bek, Sib, just of latb the 'Osses hab got so used to the Men FBOft tsIb Pits waiting to take 



(From the F.M.G.) 

MT'friends,'/twere the saddest of pities 
If you couldn't plaok hoi>e'out of worry. 

From London's and Westnunster's cities, 
Eent,^ Middlesex, Essex, and.Surrey I 

Tme.'.in this jfain yon reckon twice oyer 

The votes Gity-premises give, 
And the County votes, where in the^dover 

Of villadom. City swells live. 

But that 's a detail, like the scandal 
That money-baffs need not hold brains. 

Though the Bads oy the help of that handle 
Pump mud on Conservative gains. 

More intelligence^ wisdom, wealth, knowledge. 

Will be found in that area clustered, 
Than in all England else— dty, college. 

Port, centre of industry— mustered. 

This truth the Election shows dearest, 
That of all Enffland's cherished monopolies 

Conservative faith is the dearest. 
And the stronghold of that 's the Metropolis. 

Lambeth, Marylebone, Chelsea— that silly place I~ 
Southwark, Finsb'ry, Tower Hamlets, may'daim. 

Loosely speaking, in London to fill a plaice. 
But, we all know, 'tis only in name. 

Our Party's profound fordgn policy 

Is in London upthdd just as tar 
As wisdom and wit beyond folly see. 

And as wise writers foolish ones bar. 

Out of high-cultured Intellect's focus, 
Where stump-orator's froth has had sway, 

Gladstone's chatter and Chamberlain's caucus 
Maf/ have won, for an instant, the day ; 

But that 's a mere craze of the moment— 

'TwHl pass like a mist of the mom. 
With its gains, not for substance but show meant, 

And its Leader, that butt of our scorn I 

Then up, in the name o^ the City, 
To your Beaconsfibld, Jingoes, be true ! - 

Take a hint from your foes— 'tis a pity 
If ioe can't breed stump-speakers too. 

"The New Bictatorsliip." 

Such is the title of a scathing artide, in which the Post- 
mortem QauUe pours out its scorn on the silly bdievers in Mr. 
Gladstone, whose ^^pros and eons^^^ we are told, resolve them- 
sdves into one simple question, '* Whence and how is Mr. 
Gladstone to exercise the Dictatorship whidi the 'Voice oi the 
Peo^e ' has conferred upon him P " « 

'^Dictator for Dictator." the Yoiee of the Country might reply ; 
" better Mr. Gladstone than L(^ Bbaconsfieid." 

Punch takes leave to ask, if Mr. Gladstone threfttens to over- 
shadow his Liberal collea^es, how was it with Lord Beaconsfield 
and his Conservative Cabmet r 


To correct the "time of day" by the meridian of Greeawich, for 
that by liie length sad breadth of the United Kingdom. 

An Embarras ds Bjohmsses,— The Liberal Gains. 


ains. O 




[Apjeiil 24, 1880. 


AUhmgh unaucceaaful as an Sxhibitor, the great Mauile is getting known to i^m? through thi exertions oj his Liter try Friends --a-^d he 
receives augtcst Forttign FisUors, But being a consistent Radical^ he leaves his Model (a cheeky youth^ who reads Charles Dickens on the sly) to 
do the Honours of his Studio, 

The Grand Duke, " ^ott IN HiKMXL !— AKD DOEi M(8Tx& Kowtlv Exbipit zisi Yobbkb of Arbt at ze Botal Aoatxmt, or 


Model, " Nbithsb, teb S'behe 'ighnxrs ! Wb ain't tet cojci down to Exhibitik' oitb PionrBBS m Public ! " 

The Grand Duke, ** SoH ! Pot zin who sees dem ! " 

Model, <' Only Mr. Priosbt, teb S*brnb 'ighnesr ; and Mr. Jbllaby Postlethwaite, and Mrp. Gim abub Brown— but 


The Grand Duke, ** AoH I — pot zen who puts de BrcxuiiES ?" 

Model, *'Mr8. 'Abbis, teb S'benb 'iohnbss—and Mr. Brooks, of Sheffield 1" 


(An incident from the Diary of a Connalescent, told in a few Chap- 
ters properly belonging to the Series usuaUy headei ** Friends 
at a Distance,^' which has appeared from time to time in these 

Ghafteb in. 

The Fluttkkinq Commences. 

Mr. Dick Boilxngbbokb borsts into the Library. He is all wraps 
and newspapers. 

**How are yon, old boyP" be exclaims, witb a sympatbetio 
heartiness of manner which at once gives one to nnderstand that 
all his don^ts as to my being: actnally bedridden are dispelled. 
He has not yet determined whether to treat me as in the first stage 
of oonTalescenoe, or as a kind of deserter from the literary army, 
who, if not aotually criminal, has at least obtained an extension ot 
sick leaye nnder false pretences. 

**How are yon, old fellow, eh?" he repeats, and shakes me 
warmly by the hand. 

I thank him, and faintly reply— with an intense pity for my own 
state of health—** I am as well as can be expected." 

I try to smile at my present feebleness, as though it were a mere 
nothing, in order to impress on him what an amonnt of agony I must 
have previously gone through to have brought me so low as this. 
He eyes me over oriticAlly. I feel that under this inspection I am 

blushing nervously, which gives me a colour, and is at this minute 
the very thing I'don't want. No matter how I look to other people 
who have seen 'me at my worst, and have pitied me,— they know 
what my real state is ; but to a friend from London, who has just 
" ran down," and is going to ** run back aj^rain," and who wiU give 
his own report, from his own point of view of me, to my other 
friends in town— or, which is worse, to those who have been waiting 
to get some work (some unoongenial work) out of me for some time 
past— I sincerely wish I could appear like the dying Smike in the 
earliest editions of Nicholas Mckleby—irsSl, lank, reclining on a 
bench, and with a heavenly expression of resignation on his pallid 

This is the imaginary portrait of myself as I should like to 
appear when Mr. Richabd Boilingbbook oomes down to see me at 
Motemoss on important business. 

** Well," he savs, after taking stock of me as though he were 
going to buy me, ** You 're not looking bad." 

I smile faintly. I had hoped I tra« looking bad. And then I go 
at once, and with a considerable amount of pleasure, into a minute 
account of my ailments, commencing from some time previous to the 
attack, and bringing the history down to the present date. 

"Ah," says Dick, when I've finished the story of my illnesa— 
** Yes- you *re all right again now." 

Except for strength, I admit— feebly— that I am. I am not going 
to be suddenly driven into rude health in this unsympathetic way. 

'* Well," he says, " I thought you 'd got a little place of your <pk 


Apbil 24, 1880.] 




PaUrfamilias (reading), **SxYBimiXN vALVABLa Biasts poisonbd bt sating thb Bbakchu of Yew " 

MaUrfamUias. *' Thu— T— r— thut— Oh dbab ! Bittohbbs* Mbat will bb up aoadt I " 


here. I heard it from Bomebodv— oh, let me see— yes, somebody 
who knows your doctor in town ''—the only person to whom I had 
mentioned my retreat was the doctor I—** ana so, as I wanted to see 
you about a sort of rongh-and-tnmble comic piece for the Sympo- 

I start. ** Have yon taken the Symposium P I thought it was 
aMusic-HaU?^' I ask. 

Yes, so it was," he replies. *' It was first Baths and Wash- 
houses, then it was a Ghai>el, then it was a Music-Hall, and now 
I 'ye taken it, and I 'm making it into a eoit of Variety Shop. It 's 
out of the Lobd GHAMBESLAnr's jurisdiction, and it's licensed bv 
the Magistrates. I 'ye put up Tom Gltttbb as ostensible Manager.'' 

" Good man, Glttteb I " I murmur, approyinely. 

" Yes," continues Dick Boilingbbooi:, '* he^s just the sort of 
chap for that place— understands shows thoroughly, failed himself 
seyeral times, and is quite ready to carry out instructions. We 
shall haye an Operetta to commence with— first-rate band and 
chorus— then a kind of concert of the best people — I 've engaged 
Smash as the chief comic— Smash, the joUy Sam Smash, you 
know ^" 

" I know." I say. Who can help knowing something about the 
Jolly Sam Smash? Aren't the walls, eyerywhere, in the xmlikeliest 
places, eyen down here at Sheepton-on-^ea, where he honours us 
with his jolly presence for one niffht in the year, coyered with adyer- 
tisements and picture-posters of the jolly one himself, generally 
represented as with light curly hair, unhealthily pink cheeks, and 
a glass in his bright blue ey;e, blue trousers, brown coat, red waist- 
ooat; and yellow gloyes, taking off his hat to the pubUc generally as 
he smgs (the legend being underneath) Have you $een my Mary f 
" Oh. yes," I say, ** I know the Jolly Sam Smash. He 's an attrac- 

" Yes." says Mr. BoiLDroBBOOK, carelessly, '* he is ; and if he 
isn't, I ^11 soon get somebody else. Lots more where A« came from. 
Thai we 're ffoing to haye a farce with Mtjogsb in it." 

''MuggbsT" 1 exclaim, astonished to hear of the appearance of 
this great comedian, of whom the papers haye prophesied such great 
things in Shakspearian Drama, in a farce at the Symposium Variety 
Theatre I 

'* Yes. Well, you see," he explains, ** I 'd engaged him at the 
St. Giles's, but when I sent the French company there, and couldn't 
fit him in with my other companies on tour and at the Palace, 
I thought as he was walking about doing nothing while I was paying 
him just on two thousand a year ^" 

*' Two Thousand a year I " I exdaim, wishing I were Muggbb 
the Comedian— a Low Comedian, too I 

*' Yes," returns Dick Boilingbbook, *' I 'm giying him a sum that 
would pay about fifteen curates handsomely ; and as we 'd shunted 
the Diyme WnxiAM at the St. GKles's pro tern,, and couldn't disturb 
the oast of the melodrama at The Prince's, I 'm obliged to get some- 
thing out of him at the Symposium." 

He speaks of Muggxb as a sportsman speaks of his hunter that 's 
performing the strange cannibalistic operation known as ** eating its 
head off " during a long frost. 

It appears that Mr. BoiLnroBBOOK wants me to do something for 
the Symposium— he will explain the details fully to me in the course 
of the eyening ; and also he wants a topical song for the JoUy Sam 
Smash. It occurs to me that if I can ^t my topics sent from 
London, I shall haye plenty of time to yersify them here ; and if my 
excellent friend the erUre^eneur does not want to see me personally 
eyery other day, nor requires my attendance at rehearsal, I shall be 
able to continue my stay at Motemoss. and work as much at my ease 
as did Sir Waltbb Sgott at Abbotsiord, the Poet-Laureate m the 
Isle of Wight, or the late Lord Ltttok at Enebworth. £yen a 
" rougb-and-tumble sort of farcical pantomimical piece," as Mr. 
BoiLiNGBBOOK describes it, can be the amusement of the leisure 
hours of a seriously disposed Uterary man, who, at other times, will 
be engaged on an article for the Quarterly^ a tragedy in blank yerse, 
or an Essay on '* The life and Times of Sbnnachbbib." 

I am already beginning to enter into the spirit of the thing, and 
am gradually slipping away from my inyalid moorings, when Squire 
CossKiT enters, and, after an introduction, inyites my yisitor to 

** Come as you are," says the Squire, cheerily ; '* no dress." 

Now, there is one peculiarity of Dick BoiLnrGBBOOs— it is, that 
at a certain time in the eyening he inyariably assumes eyening dress. 
No matter where he is, no matter how much or how little luggage he 



[Afbil 24, 188a 

has Tnth Mm, one thing he never Itrayels without, and that ia his 
evening dress. If Dice Boilikgbbooe were crossing the Great 
Desert of Sahara, pimctnally at half-past six, or seven, he would 
appear on his camel in full evening dress, opera-hat, and all. As he 
says, yon never know what may turn nih— a ball, or a concert, or a 
theatre, or a party, or something to which you particularly want 
to go, but can't, because you haven't your evenine dress with you. 
Now, supposing a man always wishinff to be in readiness, and on the 
look-out, for some such excitement, tnen Dice Boiungbrooe's rule 
is a necessitv. The Squire, who regards evening dress as intended 
for special festivities, opens his eyes at the notion of anyone being 
invariably prepared for any such excitement, and, moreover, actually 
liking it and looking for it. 

" When there *s anything going on, I always go and see it," says 
Dice, pleasantly; immediately adding the question, " There ^s no 
theatre here, is there P " 

^ ** No." answers the Sqoire, inwardly thanking his stars there 
isn't— * not at fiheepston, which is only a sort of village suburb of 

*' But in Lambftgate there need to be one," says Dicic " Let me 
see— it w&a built by MAirLAifi), who was Dancing-Master to Geobgb 
TiiK FouKTH, and married Tozmi the dancer. It was called the 
* Itej^enl J when I waa qtiite a boy, I recollect." 

" Ah r* Bftj-s our hoat, whose breath has been quite Ukm *E*y 
by the knowledge of hia native place displayed by his gUiest. " To* 
are perfectly right." 

** I knew 1 ^^s," mys Mr. BonoraBBOOE, in a parenthel^Mi aslAe, 
nodding in an of! hand and confidential manner to me. 

Squire Cq^sett tioutinuea^^ 
*' it wfm the * y^ellington 

though tfiiHy, as if tryiag hi recall the history of this once e 

place ot entertainment—^' but bOiterly, I rather think " 

^ '* Tea/' cuta in hiB informant, ** latterly it got into bad h 

whan I was a bo3r, but "-4w maa on 

_ . , informant, ** latterly it got into bad hands, the 

licenoe W4i» refiuaed/' 

** It was/' saya the Sqnire, majestically, " and very properly so. 
I was on the Bench at the time." 

** Were you ^^' returned Mr. BoiLmoBRonK:, jicitbiEg ahashed by 
the intelligence. " I knew there was sonio di llioult.y, bt cauie Pbobitt 
wrote to me, and wanted me to take it— but I didn't eee it. Notiiing 
to be done with it, I sui>po«e P " he adds, interrogativelf , looking 
at the Squire, as if his opinion would bo valuable. 

The Squire is flattered. He considera awhile, to convey the idea 
that he knows all about the oapabilitiea of the *'I{eirent," and its 
prospects, though I am i>erfectly sure that he has never once given 
the place a thought for years, and is imcertain as to ite* existence. 
His reply is, however, emphatically to the effeet that nothing can 
be done with the "Regent"— that, in fact, he rather thinks it is 
already pulled down. 

'* And certainly," Mr. BoiLnrGBEooE fimshea for him, " isn't 
worth building up &pdji,^* 

" You 're not leaving na P " says the Squire, seeing Dick putting 
on his ulster. 

** No, no," is the reply—" only half-an-honr ; just go to my pot- 

i hoY'^r?^^?"**"*^^ re-appear in gorgeous array. Au resenxnr ' " 

I And before another word can foe said, Mr. Bichabd BoiLiirc^- 

BBooE has quitted the library, has gone through the hall, and out 

by the front door, as if he had known his way lOraut the plaoe from 

infancy, and has vanished. 

He came in like a hurricane, he has gone out like a whirlwind. 
We stare at one another helplessly. Presently, the Squire reoovers 
himself sufficiently to look at his watoh, and oDserve, 

" Time to get ready for dinner." 

" We needn't dress," I plead, relapsing into my invalid state. 

" No," answers Cossett, " you needn't, /must, as he 's gone off 
expre8slj[ to dress. Haven't got too muc^ time." 

And with this, to my amazement the Squire, who never hurries 
himself, dashes madly up-stairs two steps at a time, as though he 
had been suddenly galvanised into aoti<m by BoiLiirGBiiooE. His 
manner has undergone so sudden and so marked a change, in five 
minute^ sinoe the " Regent" discussion i£at I should not be as- 
tonished if, on BoiLnreBBOOE's ne-apDearanoe, onr host were to 
propose proprio motu a ramble into the town dP Lambsgate, just 
to see what is going on." I retire meditatively te my room. 

Kexa« for Midlothian and Elsewliere. 


l^4^»—8amta$ Santtatum^ omnia SanUas! 
1S80.— /iMantto Imamtatumy omnia InMnitas : 


Db. Macdoit ald addresses 
to the Daily News an elo- 
quent pleafor nesting- 
birds :— 

"The time of year has arrived 
when woods, coppices, and 
hedgerows are searched for 
birds'-nests by lynx-eyed 
nrohins and professionals. 
Every likely tree, shrub, bush, 
and tuft of grass is closely ex- 
amined, and when a nest is dis- 
covered it is at once pillaged of 
eggs or nestlings with a shout of 
triumph. Surely it is a pity that 
thousands of eggs should be 
taken away to be * blown,' and 

Sut on a string like beads, ren- 
ering them practically value- 
less. Surely it ii wicked to 
capture fledglings that soon die 
from want of proper food. 
Surely it is cruel to leave their 
disconsolate parents to mourn 
over the cold, deserted nest, 
^ sinoe birds sorrow as keenly, as 
^ deeply, and as sincerely as any 
^ man or woman, over lost chil- 

But if birds'-nests must be taken, let them, at least, be utilised. 
What u they were converted into head-dresses, as in our initial 
illustration, with the parent bird stuffed, in the attitude of brooding 
her eggs ? We often see, nowadays, younv Ladies' heads of hair as 
rough as birds'-nests. Whv not wear tha hair smooth, and dap the 
bird's-nest on jbhe |top of it r 


{A Popular Pcean, After Sir WaU&r,) 

Hail to the Chief who in triumph advances ! 
Sharp be his axe, and resplendent its shine, 

Long may the light of his nre-flashinff glances 
Fervently fame in the front of our line I 
Heaven his strength renew, 
Still keep him stout and true. 

Gaily to battle, and greatly to grow ; 
Wnile all true Englishmen 
Send forth the shout agen, 

" Gladstone victorious I Ho-ieroe I " 

Ours is no stripling, no Enight of the Carpet I 

Blooming at seventy, when shall he fade P 

Him, of the People, in Peace or in War. pet, 

Yean cannot fetter, nor foes make afraid. 

Firm as the fix^d rock, 

Braving the tempest's sho<dC| 
Faster he roots him the fiercer it blow. 

England and Scotland then 

Echo his praise agen, 
" Gladstoitx victorious I Ho-ieroe I " 

Far in Midlothian his pibrooh pealed loudly, 
And Torydom's shout to his slogan rej^lied. 

Dauntless I)alk£ITH ^ete confronted him j^udly, 
But little the Veteran redced of his pride. 
'* Fagots'' all prostrate laid 
Long shall lament his raid. 

Think of " Old Gladstonb " wil^ wonder and woe ; 
Bucolbuch's brave voting men 
Shake when they hear agen 

** Gladstonb victorious 1 BLo-ieroe r' 

Shout, bearers, shout, for the Pride of the Party I 

Lift on your shoulders the evergreen Chief. 

Stalwart at seventy, stout, hale, and hearty. 

Who of his laurels will grudge him a leaf r 

And there 's a stripling gem. 

Worthy the ancient stem— 
Middlesex missedJmn. but Leeds won'tjety]" No." 

Loud shall all England thoij 

Shout for the pair agenil 
*';GLAD8T0]rB and Gladstoks's boyljHo-ieroel " 

An Italian Ibishism. 

,— ioemia ' 



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D i u i l i ^ed b\y LjOO^ -I^ 


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April 24, 1880.J 




Candidate, ''How makt Gabs and Conyitanobs do tou bat thxrb abs in thb Towk, SmrflSRS, ajtd how vitoh do text 


Stetoard, ** About Fiyx Hundbxd, Sib Hbhbt— thbt want Fits Pooirss back iob thx D at— and text 'tx nxablt all of 
'bm Votbs " 

Sir Henry. ** Hum— HTM ^'—(doea mental sum)— Blbss mt Soul ! that *b Foub Thousand Fivb Hundbxd Pounds ! Do tou 
know, Smithxbs, I bboin to havb tb't Gwavb doubts whxthxb I *m a • Fit an' Pwopxb PbbsoN' to Wbpwbsbnt this Bowough ! I *' 


Mb. Punch, 

^ People have become slightly soeptical of late about Edisonian 
inyentions, but if that disooverer's alleged latest find be a faet, he 
has nearly as good as hit on the Philosopher's Stone. He is said 
to have found out methods, electrical and chemical, by which he can 
extract more gold from the rejected residuum of auriferous guartz 
than is obtainable by means of eommon crushing mills from the 
virgin rocks. At an expense of not more than five dollars to the ton 
he gets gold in the ratio of 1*4000 per ton of concentrated "tailings; " 
and he has oontracted for millions of tons of *' tailing." Unless 
the foregoinff particulars are fabulous, Mr. Edison will very soon 
be another Midas in respect of gold— though certainly not of brains 
and ears. 

Is there, Mr, Punchy any possibility of a political Edison P We 
know there exists a certain many-heaoed multitude whom aristocrats 
are wont to call the dregs of society, but for whom Mr. Bbioht 
invented the more euphonious and euphemious title of *' the resi- 
duum." Is it to be expected that among the Liberal Statesmen 
apparently cm the point of coming[ in for a long term of power, a i 
master-mind will succeed in demising some way to get the utmost 
possible electoral good out of these poutioal ** tailings " F 

Such a possibility, I trust, Mr. Punchy you will not deride as the 
suggestion of a too sanffuine optimiBt. Both as a staunch friend of , 
the people and ally of the publicans, particularly those who keep 
coffee public-houses— of which two more. I rejoice to see, have been 
this week opened by the London and Provincial Omee Palace 
Ckmipany— permit me to style myself, ever yours sincerely, 


Apbopob Anageak.— William E. Gladstone— *' As willing to 

{Wed. April I^ISSO.) 

And is it true that after Death, 

When dissolution and decay 
Have quenched life's force and stopped its breath, 

The dead once more revisit day r 

Those who their Place no more shall know, 

For whom life's Ministry .is o'er, ^ 
Once, only once, ^ough dead, may^go 

Back to the haunts they loved before I 

There, the last office done with, grief 
One sad assuagement finds ; they meet 

Once more their Visionary Chief, 
A throng of ghosts in Downing Street I 

Once more, like Ministers of State 
In form, though force has fied, they bold 

The hollow mockery of debate 
On Phantom Projects, as of old. 

Once more— but who shall seek to pierce 
lliat dread Last Council's mjet^ ? 

Or say what grave themes they rehearse- 
Dead ghosts debating how to die I 


« Stand not upon the order of your going^^ 
Butgoatonoel" "^ " 




[April 24, 1880, 


( mih humiU Apologies to Mr. D. S. SoscUi.) 

Eent-bobit Hblsk, England's pride, 
{OLondork'Townf) I : 

Had a waist a world too wide 

For ^e height of her heari's desire. 

Vinegar she in vain had tried. 
(O London Town ! 
FMhionU thralU ne^er tire !) 

Helbk knelt at Fashion's shrine, 

(O London Toum /) 
Savinff, '* A little hoon is mine, 
A little hoon, hnt my heart's desire. 
Hear me speak, and jnake me a sign I 

{O London Town ! 
Fashion's thralls ne'er Href) 

" Look I my waist is in excess. 
{O London Town /) 
I would die to have it less. 
Shape it to my heart's desire. 
Fit lor f ashionahle dress. 
{O London Town! 
Fashion's ihraUs ne'er UreP) 

" It is moulded like a Greek's, 
(O London Town I) 
One of Nature's spiteful freaks. 
Pinch it to my heart's dyire : 
I am full of pains and piques. 
{O London Town! 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire /) 

" See Bell Fail's, how slim it is I 

{O London Toum/) 

Eighteen inches at most, I wis I 

Poi&ons the cup of my heart's desire. 
that / should suffer this I 
(O London Town / 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire/) 

'* Yea,' for straitness here I sue I 
(O London Town/) 
Antifat I find won't do ; 
Give me, give me, my heart's desire. 
Three inches less, or at least full two. 
(O London Toum / 
Fashion's thralls ne^er tire/) 

" Bell to outriyal were so sweet I 
(O London Town/) 
E'en if my heart could hardly heat ; 
Heart-room is not my heart's desire. 
But to hring hearts to my feet. 
[O London Town! 
Fashion's thraUs n^er tire/) 

** I haye rivals two or three : 
(O London Toum/)i 
Sylph-like, sHm of waist they; he ; 
I 'm forlorn of my heart's desire. 
What thoa hast given them give me. 
' (O London Town/ 

Fashion's thralls n^er tire/) 

" I am girthed like Milo's Yenus ; 
{O London Town/) 
(Could Greek sculptors hut have seen us /) 
O my rivals I my neart's desire 
Is to win in the fight hetween us." 
(O London Town / 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire/) 

Fashion looked on Helen's waist, 

iO London Toton /) 
Looked and frowned with sore distaste. 
Saw the sense of her heart's desire. 
Said '* This must be changed, with haste." 

(O London Town! 
Fashion's thralls neer tire / 

Fashion looked on Helen's face, 

(O London Town/) 
Said, " 'Tis clear you must tight-lace," 
And gave her there her heart s desire, 
A oorset new that should give her grace. 

(O London Town / 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire!) 

Fashion looked on Helen's breast. 

(0 London Town/) 
'* Ne'er Anaconda more tightly prest ^ 
Than this new corset, thine heart's desire. 
Take it and wear, it shall bringthee rest I " 

(O London Town/ 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire!) 

Helen took the proffered boon, 

{O London Town /) 
The first appliance made her swoon ; 
But what are pangs to the heart's desire ? 
She was one inch less than her rival soon ! 

(O London Toum / 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire!j 

Helen turned upon her bed, 

iO London Town !^ 
Turned in pain on her bed, and said, 
** Death at heart, with the heart's desire, 
Is better than being outrivalled." 

(O London Town / 
Fashion's thralls ne'er tire /) 


"The world is governed by Sovereigns 
and Statesmen," and sometimes changes the 
latter as well as the former. 


Chisb up, ye M.P.'s unseated ! 

Ours is but a passing iU I 
Morally, we 're not defeated— . 

EnghuLd's heart is ^th us still, I 

'Tis but those confounded Yoters 

Misconveying Britain's will. 
Their opinions don't denote hers-- 

Englcmd's heart is with us still 1 . 

'Tis the graceless working-classes, 
Tom and Haebt, Bob and Bill ; 

*Tis the scum, the dregs, the masses 1 — 
England's heart is with us still ! 

'Tis the sneaking petty tradesmen, 
With no thought above the till ; 

How such avarice degrades men I— 
England's heart is with us still I 

'Tis the herd, sans education, 
Duties i»lain that won't fulfil ; 

But this gives us no vexation- 
England's heart is with us still ! 

Spite of gold with which the Bx>oshian 
Yenal pockets seeks to fill ; 

Spite of Gladstone's elocution— 
!^gland's heart is with us still I 

Though that vile disintegrator 
(Much nuscalled the People's Wnx) 

Goes and taps our lower strata- 
England's heart is with us still I 

YesI Though Ben (whom I've a long time 
Thought devoid of tactic skill) 

Goes dissolving at the wrong time- 
England's heart Ib with us still I 

I wiU take my solemn davy. 
Though we fall, like Jack and Jul, 

Soon the Isle will cry ** Peecavi/ "— 
England's heart is with us still I 




[April 24, 1880. 


Djbab Mb, PuircH, Baifwater fT., AprH 14, imi. 

Cabt von help Aie in a great diffionlty ? I am an arm-ohair 
politioian, and require a straight tip in politics. For the last three 
or four yean I have been quite ewff m my mind. I ksfe only had 
to go to my Club (the Gunpowder «ikd wiry), aiid li(M I aftd 
others read the <mly papers wortii reading^— iiro BMningtf mi ene 

There was the leadinr journal, perfectly inf alUMe, Md tmA&ihmi 
to speak in the name otttie Nanon. For tbe la«t two yean or mote 
its Editor has been assuring me e?ery dttf nfiihoni teuert^ tkat 
the Nation has approved Lord Beacovsfiklb^b eondiiei of idE^ran, 
such as the profoundly subtle agreement with Ck)VNT ScfiotrrALorf , tibee 

Slendid acquisition of Cyprus, the far-sighted Protectorate ol Ana- 
inor, ihe pluokv, jjust, and humane subju|nttion of the Zulus and 
Afghans, and the brilliant tricks plaved upon Parliament in connection 
with these matters. Especially when the Southwark Election took 
place in February, I learned that the Nation had put the final seed 
to its ratification of an Imperial Pdioy. anr lingering doubts in tiie 
mind of the said Nation having been dispcliled by the oiredlaticn of 
Mr. CowBV's '* remarkable speech.'' 

Then there was my other morning guide, wftk " the largtst elron- 
lation in the world." telling me much the same things in more 
turgid language. And there was my evening orade, imoie proud 
boast it is to be written by Gentlemen for €Fentfemen, daily enforcing 
the same doetrine with a superb and scathing scorn of all who 
ventured to differ from it, which ou|:ht to have left no possibility 
of doubt in any well-regulated mmd that Mx, Oladsioke is an 
imbecile and malignant traitor, and his followers a few silly een- 
timentalists, not to say idiotic fools and impudent knaves. 

An these able Editors have agreed that if the lib^al par^ ever 
had any chance of success, it had been shattered to pieces hf the 
shook givoi to Englishmen generally, and particularlv to a yety 
large class caUed Moderate Liberals, by the harsh language A 
Messrs. GLAnsroms, Bbight, Hajloovbt, and others, in speaking 
of the splendid services of Lord Beacoitsfixld. 

If, therefore, there was one thinr of which, at the beginning of 
Marqh, I was more certain than of any other, it was this— that 
the Nation was about to pronounce a decisive condemnation of the 
disloyal and unpatriotic conduct of Mr. Gladstokb and his fooUsh 

But then came the Elections. I am rather slow at taking in new 

thinpfs ; but even according to my three infallible Editors, and the 
gossip of my Club, something seems to have gone wrong. It is 
true that in one of my infallible oracles only the other day I read that 
what has happened is not inexplicable, and that '4t may even be 
affirmed that the reaction is more moderate than might have been 
expected." That is all very well for the omniscient Editor ; but 
how about his poor followers ? Why did he not give me, and the 
many like me, who hang upon his words, a hint beforehand of what 
he Imew so well was coming ? 
Could you kindly answer me these questions : — 

1. Have my able Editors been deceiving me P 

2. Or is it possible that they knew nothing about the real mind 
of Hie Nation they assumed to speak for ? 

3. Where am I, in future, to find the oracle which will tell me 
what I am to think on things in general, and foreign politics in 
particular P 

I am, dear Jftfr. Punch, faithfully yours, 



Mn. Oldbots [seated in an arm-chair, deposits newspaper on 
breaMast-table, and addresses himself), Hrumph I The New Educa- 
tional Code for 1880 contains a clause providing for the teaohiog of 
singing by note in Elementary Schools. Does it, indeed. Sir ? You 
dotft say 00 P Singing by note! That is carrying ''Elementary 
Edueati^ " too far. Sir. The Three R.'s may be all very well. Sir ; 
though the street-boys learn them chiefiy to read the lives of high- 
waymen, write your name on ypur gate, and do addition sums on 
your door-posts. But now, besides toe K.'s, you are to have an M., 
Sir— Music. And, of course, you will have to pay for it, through 

Music I What good will it do P (Resumes newspaper, and thence 
reads letter,) " in the next generation there will, no doubt, be a 
musical society in every viLLage, which will tend to soften and refine 
ear agricultural population I ^ Soften I as if the bumpkins weren't 
soft enough already I " England will become a musical nation, and 
oar Educational Code vnll have been instrumental in promoting 
sudli a happy resuH." Happy ! Sha-a I Nonsensical woman ! That 's 
one of your Scho(d Board Ladies, Sir ! England a musical nation ! 
like Italy. In due time, then, England will export organ-grinders. 
In the meanwhile, we shall b^me an operatic people. Your agri- 
cultural population, and your artisans, will work in concert: and 
wherever yoa go, your ears will be regaled with a working chorus 
of carters and farm-labourers, or mechanics. Everv rural district 
will become an Arcadia, where the milkmaid singeth blithe. Sir, and 
the mower whets his scythe. Sir— by way of accompaniment — 
and every shepherd tells his tale, Sir, under the hawthorn in the 
dale, Sir, and the tales, of course, will be told in the shape of a 
song. Mow, I don't mind hearing servants sing at their work. Sir, 
bat they oould always do that without being taught siaging by 
npte. Hmsi]^! Future point in a servant's character— plays the 
piano f Boshl we want no G&isis, Sir, in our kitchens. '* Greasys " 
arequite good enough for me / 

Will music be taught at Board Schools, and not at Boarding 
Spools P And how about music in your great Public Schools, Sir? 
Are you to have music taught at Winchester and Eton P If not. 
Sir, why not. Sir P One reason, I should think, Sir, is that the scholars 
can do c|uite well enough without it. Another, that such teaching 
would, in most cases, be thrown away. You can't make a silk purse 
out of a sow's ear. Sir : neither can you make musical attainments out 
of an unmusical ear. Sir. As to ears, I dare say the framers of the 
singing-by-note clause m the New Educatioiud Code, have very 
fine ears indeed ; but I suspect their ears. I question ii their ears, 
however fine, Sir, are as fine as they are long. 

I tell you what. Sir. Instead of music, if children, who will 
mostly have to get their living by domestic service, were to be taught 
cookery, they would then be taught an extra to the Three £.'s, which 
yon might call Reasonable. 

Dialling, with a Difference. 
{£y an Old Slue.) 

Ik spite of respectable gigs 

And legalised cabs, the fight o'er is ; 
And Dizzr, who once ** dished the Whi^s," 

Has now, woe is me, *' dished the Tones." 

The Last Man m the UiriTSD Ktsodou to be made M.P.— 
What the Orkneys and Shetlands have got to decide. 

*^* The Editor of JPuneh will be glad if the writer of a letter by " A Con- 
SB&vATiVB '' (dated Birmingham, April 13),jnll,in confidence, oommuniqate 
with him by name. ^ " "'' O 

' To OomamHnn>vwiB.^Th4 BdUor don noi Koid himtilf bowid to aeknowUdfft, rttum, tr nay for OontribuHont, In no can can thm &f rttumod unUts aoe&mptuiitd fty a 

ttamptd and directed enodopt, Oopiccclioiildbcicjit, 

Mat 1, 1880.] 




Bt some stranfre ovewiglit the following 
personB have not been gazetted to the 
honours attached to their names by recom- 
mendation of the Ri^ht Hon. the Earl of 
Beaconsfieli), on retiring from office. 

To be Knights of the Star of India.-^ML 
the swarthy Crossing-sweepers found within 
a radius of four miles of the Oriental Club, 
on account of their former services in 
British India. 

To be Companume of the Bath (Civil 
Divmbn).— Forty of the politest of the 
Attendants of the Metropolitan Wash- 
houses, on account of their services in pro- 
moting purity of election. 

To be a Knight Grand Cross of St. 
Michael and St. George.— The Senior Holder 
of Her Majesty's Ticket of Leave, on account 
of services rendered in the Colony of New 
South Wales some forty years ago. 

To be a Baronet of the British Empire. — 
An unfortunate Nobleman, recently lan- 
guishing at Dartmoor, on account of services 
rendered to daily journalism from.1868 to 

And to be a Knight Bachelor.— The Chief 
Assistant to the Deputy Beadle of the Bur- 
lington Arcade, to prevent jealousy, and 
because he may as well be decorated as any 
one else I 

Two Brews— Bitter and Sweet. 

Thbicb quenched, the Allsopps' sun had 
But Fortune, favouring Beer. 
Makes Hindlip's butt a Baronet, 
And Dublitf s Stout a Peer I ^ 
If Ba88, thrice victor, lags behind, 
^The Whigs, like Fortune, must be blind! 


Jack {to his Married Sister), •* Hi'l Polly 1 I Look 1 I I Hbr»>s TOira Baby teyi»® 


" THE LAflT MAK." 

Thb Parliament is now complete. Orkney 
and Shetland have returned their Member. 
It will now be apparent, even to the meanest 
capacity, why these islands are called Ultima 


{A Hesignaiion Bomanee.) 
** The Qunir has been graciously pleased to confer a Peerage of the United 
Kingdom on Mr. Montagu Corrt, O.B., bv the style and title of Baron 
BowTON, of Eowton Castle, in the county of Salop.*'— Cof#r< Circular. 

" That will be all, mv Lords and Gentlemen." 

It was the Premier* who spoke ; and as, with satiric emphasis upon 
the conduding word, he pointed to the door of his official chamber, 
there was not a Member of the expiring? Cabinet who did not recall, 
as if by instinct, the easy insolence that once triumphed at Berlin. 
They were visibljr nettled, and their first impulse as men was to 
select their hats with icy indifference, and leave their leader to his 
reflections. But they were something more than men. They were 
place-men. Nor was this all. They were place-men who had not 
made a particularly (rood thing: of it. At an hour like this the con- 
sciousness of such a fact came upon them with a force that defied 
oontroL They hesitated. Then they summoned courage and pushed 
forward their now weeping spokesman. 

*' To be an ordinary member of the Second Glass of the Most Dis- 
tinguished Order of jBt. Michael and St. George, is extremely small 
beer, yet this is;,the^sort<rf thing you offer your tried and trusted 

It was a reepeotable, middle-aged Statesman who spoke. He held 
a copy of the previous evening's London Gazette^ on which his tears 
were falling freely, and his voice was thick with emotion. But the 
contempt with which he alluded to the great Colonial distinction 
was almost appalling. His late Chief eyed him sardonically, yet 
curiously. Then he again pointed to the open door. 

"There will be a few home pickings for the rest of yon I" he 
rejoined, coldly. '* So once more, my Lords and Gentlemen, good 

» » » " ^ 

Late thutVveiiiiie- the Machiavelli of his Country woke up witii a 
start before hia dyinif Buckinghamthire fire. His lao® vas^/tj 
with the terror of nightmare \ and, with a loud laugh, that startled 
suddenly to his feet hia Privat43 Secretary asleep on the opposite 
side of the rug, he Beized a map of the County of Salop, and struck 
it with his olent^hed firt. , ^ , ..n xi. i j 

"They say 1 have been niggardly I" he shouted, tiU tiie old 
rafters of Hu^hemden echoed again. "Niggardly! And they are 
right! MojsTY, my boy, do you know what I mean to do for 


His companion regarded him sadly. ** I haven't the slightest 
idea," he said. ,.« ^ ^. «i_. jt 

"You haven't?" asked the great mystificator, his eye kindling 
with a sense of ironical humour. ** Then, I have / " 

And, with a smile in which demon and an^ were swangely 
blended, the master spirit of his time launched his last surprise,— 

"You'll laugh, Monty, my boy, but, by Jovel it's a fact— I'm 
going to make you a Peer ! " * 

The Two Voices. 

{JBy an sX'Miniiter.) 

"Whut my voice and the voice of the people agree, I 
Feel bound to proclaim it the only Vox Dei. 
But when my voice opposes the cry of the rabble, I 
Vox Dei am forced to pronounce Vox DiaboU ! 


Atlas has once more taken the world on his shoulders ; Gladstohb 
is himiiAlf again — Prime Minister of England I 




[May 1, 1880. 


Ob, it kkvsb Rains but it Poubp, 


{An incident from the Diary of a Convalescent, told in a few Chap^ 
ter$ ftroperly hehnqing to the Series ueuaUff headed ** Friends 
at a Distanccy^ which has appeared from ttme to time in these 

Flttttek akd FunsH. 

We all appear in erenin^ dress— Ladies, too ; and we find Dick 
BoiLivoBBOOK in the drawingr-room, waiting to reoeiye us I He has 
been there a quarter of an hour. 

'* I Game in at seyen." he says in explanation. " I was told that 
was your dinner-hour. ' Here he refers to me, and I oorroborate the 
statement. The Squire apologises for his want of punctuality by 
saying that he thought Mr. Boilikobrook had so far to go, and to 
return, and to dress, &c., &o. 

"Oh!'' laughs Mr. Boilivobbook, "it doesn't take me two 
minutes to jump into my olothes. They 're like the triok-dress of 
an entertainer— on in a jiffey, and out as somebody else." 

We all laugh ; and after this there might have been an awkward 
pause, which some one, on any ordinary occasion, would have broken 
by hazarding a mild observation on the weather ; but Mr. Righabd 
BoELiiroBBooK suddeulv produces all the papers he has brought from 
town^ including the " illustrated comics'' up to the latest date, and 
distributes them to the company. "I thought you'd like to see 
'em, ^ he remarks, in a good-humoured tone, as though he were 
treating a lot of children to picture-books ; and we, who could and 
would haye waited for them another month, and eyen then would 
haye been entirely indifferent on the subject, thank him, examine 
them, diye into tnem, and so wile away tne mauvais quart d^heure 
before dinner is announced, when we put them down anyhow and 
anywhere, and troop into the dining-room. 

At dinner Mr. Richabd is yery polite, yery entertaining, and 

Mat 1, 1880. J 




Copuly I/vnctuhin Widow (to zealous OuraU, who is constantly hunting Tier truant^ offspring into the Board School), ** I tbll tb what 
'tis, tb noan comb abtbb t* Cbildbb, tb oomb artbb MB t " IProtestaiions. 

makes liimself highly popular. He has aneedotes of everyone of 
note, all more or less good, all more or less interesting, and all— 
which is the great point— appropriate to the suhject of oonversation, 
and homoronsly illustrating it. 

The champagne flows freely ; and as my doctor has told me that I 
can't take any hotter remedy than this, I can indulge witii a clear 

After dinner, when the Ladies have retired, the Squire's heart 
expands, and ne treats Boilikgbbook to some fine old port I 
suddenly rememher that I am an inyalid, which everyone seems to 
have forgotten. I daren't take the old port; hut heing pressed hy 
the Squire, I sip it for company's sake. Then coffee and cigars and 
a liqueur. The Squire is not a smoker, as a rule, and since I 've 
heen down here 1 've never felt inclined for it. But as they hoth 
smoke, I join them out of sheer sodahility. 

" Quite yourself again, eh f " says Dies, knowingly. *' Not much 
the matter with you now, eh F " 

I look grave, and explain that this is my first dissipation— out of 
compliment to him. 

My host, who is not so lively as he was an hour ago, observes that 
this is the sort of thing I want to pick me up. Kegardinff him 
steadily, I come to the conclusion that he has some difficulty in 
expressing his ideas clearly, and is not quite certain what his 
ideas are. 

In an interval of conversation^ while BoiLnroBBOOK is taking a 
liqueur, I draw our host's attention to the dock, which marks uie 
hour of ten ; hut our host's attention just now seems to he wavering. 
He is smiling happily, as if at some heautiful discourse. 

*' Just beginning the evening I " observes BonnfOBBOOK, cheerily. 

At this juncture the Ladies return from the drawing-room, to 
join us. They have exhausted all the newspapers brought down by 
Mr. BiCHABD, and, what with the novelty of so much after-dinner 
journalistic study and the excitement of the unexi>ected visit, and 
the fact that it is already fiwe minutes past their reg^ular bed- 
time, they are very sleepv, and have really come to wish us good- 
nisht,— by way of a gentle hint. 

The ISquire, however, who is gradually waking up from a half- 

dozy state. insLBts on their being seated. The butler brings in a 
tray full of soda, seltzer, brandy, whiskey, &c., &c. 

Dick Bonjiro^BOOK is all politeness. What can he make for the 
Ladies P . 

The Ladies^ iifter a fow Tmcertain rfefusalsi jfradnally yield to 
pressure, and eipreas them selves salifi^ied with a very little. One of 
them observ^js that thf^y didn't like to eome down before^ as they 
thought Mr. Bori-ilCQaBOOK and myself were talking ba»iiiess. 

** We haven't yet, but we will," be says, *^ if you '11 excuse us." 

^' Oh, certainly," h the Ladies' rei^l^. Ana sieni^cant glances 
paaa between them, intimating to the initiated that they have already 
Wn guilty of a t'alije st^p in being begniled inta ret'retshmcnt. 

The y<iuirei who^ under his wite's e>e^ has become mori^ and more 
alive te the situation, now pulls himself toffetber, and begs us to 
** talk shop '' as mneb aa we like, in ti matin g, by talking up a tiporting 
magazine three months old, whieh 1 am sur« he knows by heart, 
that we shan't disturb him, 1 propose retiring to the library, 
but Dicil U quite uatistied to remain here. In faet^ I am sure 
he would rather prefer the pre^enee of the Ladies than not, as he 
will manage to draw th^n into the conversation, and lo mix business 
and pleasure. 

Mrs. CossxTT professes herself deeply interested in anvthing con- 
nected with literature, and smilingly adds that she will be proud to 
be able to say that any great work was first projected in their house. 
The Squire agrees. The other Ladies look at one another, and dis- 
semble a vawn by pretending to smile benignly, just as the dock 
strikes hafi-past ten, which makes the Squire start, and look round as 
if he had expected a ghost to walk in, and warn them, in a sepulchral 
tone, of its being the hour for bed. 

** It isn't much to do with literature," says Dick Boilifobroox, 
mixing a fflass of spirits-and-water for himself, and utterly uncon- 
scious of the general state of somnolence, '* but I want him to write 
me a rouch-and-tumble f ardcal pantomimical piece for the Sympo- 
sium, ana a good topical song for the Jolly Sax Smash. I suppose 
you 've not heard him f " he says, turning to Mrs. Cossstt. 

No, Mrs. CoesBTT hasn't. Nor has Squire Ck>88Kn. Who, they 
would like to know, is the Jolly Sakuxl in question f 



[Mat 1, 1880. 

** Gomio singer," replies Mr. BoiUNOBEOor— " clever chap, not a 
bit Yulgar ; and A«" (alluding to me) " knows ezaotly the sort of 
thing he oan do. I want " (he goes on to me) " another song like 
the one you did for him before— what 's its name ? " 

" Yes," I say. " I know." And I try to ignore the Jolly Sam as 
much as possiDle, so as to get to busmess. and, above all, to bed. 
Bat Dick sticks to the name of the song, ana remembers it. 

" I recollect," he cries ; ** it was * Naxjtghty SaUv Slack: Yes." 

I can't deny it ; it teas " Naughty Sally Slack/* 

** Well," he continues, " that^s the sort of thing, and all topical, 
with a regular good catch-' em-aliye-0 1 chorus.'' And he beams 
round on the company, who^ considering their state of struggle 
between politeness and sleepiness, are considerably astonished at 
myappearanoe in this new character. 

The clock strikes eleven ; and the Squire, who has been nodding 
over the magazine, as if he assented to every word of it, suddenly 
opras his eyes, shakes himself, laughs, starts up, pokes the fire, 
hesitates about adding more coals, decides that he^d Better not, and 
subsides into his arm-chair once more. 

^ Dick rises. He is evidently going. Mrs. Cossbtt rises ; the Ladies 
rise ^e all rise. 

"Won't you take something more?" inquires our hostess, be- 
coming quite lively again at the near prospect of being allowed to 

" Thanks," replies Dick, who hasn't the smallest idea that he is 
upsettine the domestic arrangement of years. ** I think 1 will." 

We all solemnly resume our seats. The Aunt, who is quite at a 
loss what to do with herself, at anj time, without her work, and is 
now utterly helpless, cannot restrain a very decided yawn. A light 
seems to br^iUc in upon Dick. 

'* I 'm a&aid I 'm keeping you up," he says, pleasantly. 

*' Oh, dear no I " relies Mrs. Cossstt, in the most cheerful manner 

The other Ladies, as a mild chorus, faintly echo, "Oh, dear no ! " 

The Squire says heartily, "Oh, no I we're not ]^articular to an 
hour I " But his very forced eflPort at joviality ends in a half stifled 
yawn. He makes a leint of mixing a weak orink for himself, and 
then he listens to Dick Boiukgbrook's conversation. 

" Will you be able to run over to Paris the day after to-morrow P " 
he asks me, forgetting my invalid condition ; and hardly waiting for 
my solemn shake of the head by way of reply, he continues, " I was 
in Paris the night before last, I had just run over on Monday,"— 
they stare at him, why, Paris to them means a preparation of six 
we^s, a stay of a month at least, and the subject of conversation 
for years,— ^* and I saw Let Pantouffles de Monsieur Chamheriin, 
which you might do something with for Muogsb. Capital part 
for MireeEB. You 've seen Mttgoek, of course/* — this to Cossett, 
who nods doubtfully, — " Gkwd low comedian ; I pay him as much 
as would keep five curates comfortably,"- this statement interests 

the Aunt, who is of an evangelical turn, — "but," he continues 
to mC} ** Le$ Pantouffles is nothing to The Jainchkoff at the 

*^The Imperial, where P " I ask. 

** Petersborg," he replies. 

" Have you been to P " gasps Mrs. Cossett. 

" PetersDurg P " answers Dick, before she can get the word out. 
" Yes— let me see— it was last Tuesday week. I came round that 
way as I had some business at Vienna and Berlin, and it 's better to 
see a person, if it 's important, than to telegraph or write " 

We all agree to this. 

" Yes," he continues, in a sort of pleasant cheery soliloquy ad- 
dressed to the public, " I fly about a good dad ; and while other 
people are talking about what they 're ^ing to do, I cfo it. I can 
generally make up my mind in half a minute, and then the rest is 
all detaiL I 'm on two or three private inquiry commissions at 
present — Gk>vemment generally sends to me when tney want correct 
information. I never give 'em theorie$^ or my own fads and 
crotchets, but just go into the £ s, d, of the matter, and reduce it to 
an argumentum ad fH)cketum:* 

Here he finishes his glass, and rises to put it on the table. ^ 

Once more we rise. A quarter to tweTve. Fine opportunity for a 
yawning chorus ; but we dissemble. 

"You must be very busy," observes Mrs. Cossbtt, meaning to 
su|[gest that he might possibly be wasting his time now, and be over- 
fatiguing himself. 

" Very ! " echo the Ladies and the Squire. 

"Pretty well," replies Dick; "but can just spare time to run 
down and see a friend. I shall be off by the first train to-morrow 

Here at last is a ray of light— a chance for the thin end of the wed^ 
without any breach of politeness, and Mrs. Cossett avails herself of it. 

** I am afraid," she says, " that we must apologise for keeping you 
up if you 've got to leave so early." 

" On no ! " he says. " It makes no diflerenoe to »w." 

" I suppose," observes the Squire, in the hopes of forcing him to 
admit that he would be glad of one night's good rest in the quiet 
country, after all his work and travelling, " I suppose you have not 
much chance of going to bed very early in town? " By which the 
Squire evidently means that Dick probably can't get to bed, as a 
rule, before twelve. 

" No," says Dick, cheerily, standing bolt upright, as lively and as 
wide awake as ever he is at mid-day — " No. / haven* t been to bed 
before f<mr o'clock in the morning for the last thirty years /" 

I can almost hear the jaws drop as the entire pi^ty seem to utter 
a feeble groan, and stagger back to their chairs. 

No one dare ask him if he '11 take any more. No one likes to be 
the first to sit down a^ain. We are thunderstruck. I remember 
how, but a very short time since, I might have said much the same 




Yet he ne'er will forget the big Bill that he drew, 
To bring all down upon him in eoncord undue I 

And still, in the evening, when Ladies fill up 
With the strongest of Hyson the five o'clock cup. 

uirebylfr* Cross 
to the Ratepayers 
of London, 


When the Pekoe is 
fragrant in bou' 
doir and bower. 

Then think of your 
Cboss who had 
made the dear 

At the ratepayers' 
oost even dearer 
to you. 

Should he ever re- 
turn, not a hope 
will remain 

Of a scheme that 
had doubled the 
Companies' gain. 

When they talk of Conservative Chiefs put 
to flight, 

My name will be greeted, and not with de- 

With each cup that you sip, and each pot 
that you fill. 

You '11 return to the subject of Cboss and 

How I wish, when the talk is of water, not 

One kind voice would murmur, " It wasn't 
too dear." 

Let the Whigs do their worst, there are 

mem'ries of joy, 
Tory Bills of the post which they oannot 

Thoughts of which will arise in our mo- 

mente of care. 
To remind us of laureb we onoe used to 

Long, lonff be my heart with such memories 

Like the vase where Thames-water hath 

stood undistilled. 
You may boil, you may filter the stofif as 

you will, 
But the scent of the sewage will hang round 


How do you prove the Ottoman Empire a 
Constitutional Monarohy P Answer, Be- 
cause the SuLTAir reigBs» but does not govern. 

Mat 1, 1880.] 



tlxinff only withoat the thirty yean. " Where if the life that onoe 

After this deelaratiozL there' is a dead ulenoe. It ie at last broken 
by Mr8« CoeaxTT obflerrin;, " Well* I 'm afraid we Ladies mnst 
retire, and leave yon Gentlemen to stay np as long as yon like.'' 

I feel that with them my hopes of rest are departing, and that half 
of the benefioial effects ot my stay at Motemoss will be neutralised 
at one fell stroke. 

Fortunatdy it suddenly ooours to Dick BonnrGBKOOK that there 
may be some diffioultr aliout getting into his hotel should he stay 
out beyond twelye, "in whioh ease," he adds, *' you won't be sur- 
prised if you hear dl your dogs bai^king. Only don't shoot a 
revolyer at me out of your window. Good-night. When shall I see 
you in town P" he asks me. 

Now, this is a question which is Tery difficult for any gnest to 
answer in the presence of his host, unless the host answers himself 

and saya, ** Oh, we -won^i let him go yet awhile," which in this in- 
stance Eqmre CoMnitt do«s not, as he is evidently afraid that if 1 
don't go to Mfi^omett MabDmet will come to me. 8o I am obliged tc 
reply thAt I iboll b« up in town next Monday (three days hence), 
when it will be for my ho&t to interrupt me with, ** Oh no, not sc 
soon aa t hat, ^^— hut here a^ain the interruption aoetnH occur, and 
1 am forced^ willf -nillyf to niiike an appointment for next Monday in 
town t^ talk business with Mr. DiCK BoiLDreBROGE, when I had 
hoped to have iemiLmi;d at Motemoss for another three weeks, happily, 
quietly, meditatiyely, fed at regular hours, lazily • • • • 

Ah I Stay I Lazily I— there 's much truth in that. It 's deyeloping 
into that^ self -indulgently—lazily I No! better in this work-a-daj 
world to imitate the Busy B — Boiungbboox— and be up (in town) 
and doing. So farewell, a long farew^ to the Motemossians at 
Sheepton-on-Sea, where the Doyeoot is once more tranquil, and the 
Boyes unruffled I 




the following 
letter from the 
Daily Newi: — 

—Sir, Tery many 
of your nunerous 
TMulen beiidM 
Mr. Macdonald 
wUl be glsd to 
hear that the 
and the twelre 
Keepers of £p- 
piag Forest have 
reoeired the 
itrietest poseible 
ordera from my 
Committee to take 
every means in 
their power to 
prevent birda'- 
neiting, bird 
snaring, and bird 
■hooting within 
the preoinota of 
the forest. Every- 
thing, in liMt, 
will be done that can be done to render the gladea of Eppinff 
Foreat as AiU of life aa they are of beauty, nothing being allowed 
to be destroyed ezeept venomoDS repmes, saoh as addera or 
vipera.— I am, fte., Jomr T. Bbdiobd, Chainaan of the Ipping 
Foreat Gonmittee.— Guildhall, Apsil 17." 

Brayo I Mr. Chairman. He eridently wants to make 
each tree in Epping Forest a school ci harmony, wiUi 
the birds as professors of music in aU its branehes. 
Mr. Bkdfobdis a Nestor of wiadAm, not a Urds'-neeter. 
He is well known as a libenJ, and now he has proyed 
himsdlf a true Conseryatiye. Hot only that, but he 
shows himseUr also a yecitahle disoiDJe of St Patriok. 
turning out all the adders and yipers xrom Ending Forest 
as energetically as did the Great Saint ejict those ten- 
ants from the shores of Old LnehuuL More power to 

8o Ep^ng Forest new will be 



{Our old friend Sairey O. confers with her CounseUor-in- Chief, Mrs. (P,M.Q.) 
Sarrie, on the Cause of the Conservative Collapse. 

** The upper claesea. with the ezoeption of eldest eons and a few epeoially rich men, 
are ahowing a growing oiunclinatiou to marry. Whether this be owing to purely ielflsh 
reasona, or owing to profeeuonal refusers, proressional beautiea, professional married flirts, 
profeaiional female welohers in general, and Jezebels of all sorts In Society, it is difficult 
to say exactly. Probably the causes are mized, but the fact remains ; and with the result 
that the upper eltsses are heinz outbred by the lower, and that the descendants of the 

Proletariat and the petty shopkeeper are likely to rule England/'— ** A Pbwudicbd 
oaT," inthsFaU MaU GautU. 

Dbab Mrs. 'AssiB, 

Bight you are I I neyer knowed you wrong, no neyer I 
Bein', woteyer Bbtst says,— the spiteful oat 1— that wise and deyer. 
But here you do surpass yourself, the werriest wiper must admit it | 
'Tis inspiragion, notnink else, the way you 'ye bin an' gone and 'it it. 

I 'ye heerd a nuuiy regions giye for this 'ere suddent topsy-turyey— 
Which tumin' up the Tories so permiskus-like is simply scuryy— 
But this bangs ail ; it 's genius. Mum ; it flashes on yer like a rocket. 
As ought to raige your name and put a somethink 'andsome in your pocket. 

And who should better know than us poor Monthlies, Mum ? Which, on 

There 's been a certain lowering in the tone of eyen my connection. 
Which hupper-crust it oyer were, none o' yer workin'-dasses, cuss 'em ! 
As Saibbt don't demean 'erself to mingle with, mudi less to nuss 'em. 

and so on. 



their little nests sgrse" 
That |Ir. Banponn's right. 

Btupettdoui Star-81unr«r«. 

Talk oI the gnatet zeoordad Angnst and Koyember 
flights of afirolitee, what are they todioee of Api^ 1880 ? 
Uu Praneed to giiw tihis the distingniahing title ol 
"TheMsratUteStar-flliower." ^^ 

They all nseia the region ol ** Leo JfriUumieue,^ and 
obeerysn desedhe ths& brilUani^ as anything but 


Bt whoM ooriit liesaees for Playa to be granted f 
Eyidently, £a Poetie Justice el tiie Pieoe. 

It scares me, Mrs. ' Abbis, Mum ; it reglar puts me in a twitter ; 
And Fm aweer you 're shook yourself, as well your f eelinks may be bitter. 
The way thinffs^os bin going on, flooring your prophecies like winking I 
I wonder you 'ye not lost your eyingly temper, dear, or took to drinking. 

For you and me to be so out, with our experience, is most riling : 

I trusted to the Uimer Ten to do the trick, and turn up smiling; 

But shopkeepers and proly— wot 's it f—them to go ana fill their quiyers. 

While uiose of Swells is empty I— Gr-r-r I it giyes a poor old soul the smyers I 

Which wot I mean to say is this, Jezerbels or purf essional Beauties, 
Don't ought to hinder youthful Nobs from doing of their bounden dooties. 
We 'ye 'ad a many blows of late : but of the CJountry's coming cusses 
The wust would be for it to lose its Nobles and its Monthly Nusses I 

slate 'im I 


wust of 

That dratted QiADemre 'sbad enough ;— it 's loydy, dear, the way you 
But this is wus than William's self ,— the ejus reptile, ^ow I 'ate mm 1 
I shouldn't wonder after all if As 's tiie cause of this miscarrying ; 
Or praps may yet bring in a Bill to stop the Hupper Classes marrying! 

Jest like him« my sweet oreeter, jes^ bein' that 'errid wain and wiient, 
There 'U be no Hupper Suckle soon if sech as you and me keeps silent. 
But not while I 'ye a woice, my dear I We 're threaten'd with the 

If only shopkeepers and such goes in for " Weloome Little Strangers." 

It 's dear as us old women now must rouge us, and be hup and doin', 
Or nusses and the nation soon will go to hutter rack and ruin. 
Wire in I Ton 'U put it neater, dear, your turn was always Uterair^, 
'*at. George's and^ld England! "— <Aa< must be our cry. 

Tour faithful 

CoLLHmyE DsooBinoir (for the kle^Mrueni. OsMisQ.— The Grand Cross 
oftheEhwtions! ^JlgiTizecl Dy ^_^ 



[May 1, 18S0. 


*< Ain't I the Cheese, ainH I the Cheese f 

Round by the Serpentine, under the trees 1 
Ain't I the Cheese, ain't I the Cheese f 
As I walk in the Pu-k with my pretty LousR 1 '' Ac, &c, 

Thttb (with Apfbopkiatb AonoK, avo to a Rudiicxntabt Acoompanimxht of two 0H0RB8 IN C BT HIS FftiBin) Bob Todbsob) 


Com 10 SoNO. Thb C. B.'a sit ustbninq in SouLFnrBBSQUB Attitudbs bzpbbssiyb of Rapt Attbntion, and bybn Encore tbm 




(A pau^from the note-book of Mr. Punch* $ PropheHe Beporter.) 

Thb Axmiial Intelleotoal Sports of the Athletes of Thew-oum- 
Tuisle Aoademy were held a few days sinoe in the large recreatton 
room attached to the establishment. As usual on suc^ oooasions, a 
number of friends and relatimis of the pupils assembled to watoh 
the various eontests. The sports were perfectly suooessf ul« and 
caused the greatest possible excitement In ^pite of the silence in 
which thev were conducted, the audience seemed to regard the 
eymts with the liyeliest interest Many of the Imdn-raoes were 
won by small boys, who, in the ordinary routine of school work, 
seldom come to the front For instance, the Rule of Three Handi- 
cap for Lads under Fifteen was carried off by Pxtnt Junior— a 
youngster who, in the Educational Cotme Books, scarcely earns 
the name of athlete. This youth has neyer distingmshed himw^lf in 
any branchy of learning. For the last three terms he has remained 
in the Juuor Sack-racing Department Swattxr Major, too, who 
was the first to pass the Examiner's Chair in Latin, althougn up- 
wards of eighteen years of age, has net yet attained the honour of 
a place in the School Cricketing Sixteen. On the other hand, it was 
a little disappointing to find OTolo (an Irishman, and the Captain 
of the Eleven) absolutely last in the French andGerman ETftTftiseSj 
when the butt of the Academy. Flttttbb Major, actually managed 
to secure the Second Prize for Muced Mathematics. 

^owever, victories and defeats were accepted in equal good part, 

and winners and losers seemed to experience a common satisfaction. 
Thus it was tibat, amidst enthusiastio cheering, the wife of the Head- 
Master, Mrs. Habdistt, entered the ro<Hn at six o'clock to distribute 
the Prizes. On the completion of this interesting oeremony, Mr. 
Habdistt delivered his address. 

He had been greatly pleased to find that prowess in the fields did 
not always mean inaction in the study. (Cheers,) It was most im- 
portiint to all of them to 1; t- p their bodies in a stote of the greatest 
poaeible perfection. titiU, to utUiia this great object, it was not 
altogether Decet^sary to neglect their minds. All play and no work 
m^de JA.CK a dull boy, {A laugh.) iind it was, therefore just as 
well that, ooca*ionally— Bay onoo a year— (cA«er«) — every one should 
desert athktic^s for pursuits of a more intellectual character. He 
himself did not pretend to exc^l in any^ of the sports in which so 
many of his youngs f Hends had diatinguished themselves that day. 
(** No, no!") He frankly confeaaed that he knew more about cricket 
than Knolid. and iaiinitely pri^fc^rrod football to the Classics. {Inntd 
cheers.) Still, he could appreciate exoellenoe in every department, 
and it was gratifying to liad that ius pupils could afford time to 
relax their muaoLes in order that they might use their brains. But 
he Btrenuouniy counseiled moderation. Intellectoal sports were all 
very well now and again, but to devote too much attention to them 
would be a most dangetx^ut prooeediug, {Cheers,) His pupils would 
soon have to face the worldf aod their success in after-me would 
depend entirely upon their physique* Only in the fields could health 
be obtained^ and jumplngf raotng, and hammer-throwinf, must 
never be neglected for Buch mental recreations as dassios and 
Mathematics, {Loud cheers.) In a word, the body must never be 



(After B. R. Hatdon.) 

Digitized bv 


Digitized by 


Mat 1, 1880.1 




Artist. "Oh, 80 Teu think the Blokqwowd 's bbastlt, do toxt 1 1 


Friendly Critic "Oh »o, my Deak Fallow I That 'a JUst wsat 
ABB iroT/ " 



•* Annorial bearings were originally intended to convey a re- 
presentation of great aohieTements/'— jS/0mtf'« Htraldry, 

Mix bein^ generally understood that Her Most Ghraoions 
Majestt intends to raise Sir A. Otthotess to the Upper 
Honse, Punch submits the foUowing Goat-of-ArmB for 
the approval of the new Baron. 

let. Amre, three X's or transyersely. 
2nd, Party-per-Pale (Ale). 
Ist Potenty a Bottle of Stout, proper. 
Snd, Counter-Potent^ a Pidk-me-up, proper. 
8rd, GuU9, a Pot of Stout, frothant, flzzant. 
4th, StUfle, Sir A. GuunrBss, dis-membered, proper. 
The Shield is differenoed by the Label (duly entered 
asXtrade-mark) of the eldest son. 

Sup-porters. — Dexter, a Yat-man, swearing proper. 
Sinister , a Stout Barmaid, talking improper. 

Greet,— On, a Casque, or^ a hog's-h^ showing its 
teeth, rampant. 

The Guinness Stamp is but the rank, 
The man 's the gowd for a' that ! 

Ittfe.— Lord CooPEB, Viscount de la Bere. 

Work about Worms. 

MOv thejpainful subject of " Flukes in Sheep," Mr. T. 
SrarczK CoBBOLD, F.R.S., writing from the^' Scientific 
dub," has fayoured the Times and the public with an 
elaborate oommunication. in which he styles himself ** a 
worker ia the rank ana file of helminthology." The 
science ol helmintholoffy, amongst its numerous and in- 
teresting objects, includes the Tapeworm family (T^nks). 
Has Mr. Cobbold, in the course of his helminthological 
rssearches^ ever met with, and can he supply us with any 
aooount of the remedies lor that terrible Tapeworm br 
which our official departments, CiyU, Military, and Nayaf, 
afs all infested, the Tania rubra^ or Red Tapeworm f 

PnrcH congratulates his readers on the spread of one 
quite uiobjeotionable form of not only harmless but in- 
struotiys Light Literature— Street Lamps street-lettered. 

sacrificed to the mind. Those who unduly taxed their intellectual 
strength would have to pay for the excess in w«&ke&ed <:yx -^igbt, 
cramped limbs, shattered nenres, and thinned blood. Nr>/ l^t Us 
young friends take their pleasures wisely, their present business was 
Athletics — Culture might be safely left to th« future. Dumb-btlU 
and hurdles, leapingpoles and water-jumps, were of iar more impor- 
tance to them at their time of life than all the works in the (xtmbint^d 
libraries of the two great Uniyersities. {Cheers.) Unless th«y bore 
this in mind they would neyer be able to boast of having attained 
the object of the educational teaching of the Academy, and that 
object was expressed in the motto under the College Arms in Latin, 
possibly in compliment to the contests that had taken pl&(>e that da^ 
{laughter) , he meant ' * Salus popuU suprema est hxP^ {£n thmiasUe 

The assembly then separated, greaUy pleased with the day's pro- 


At an oi)en-air meeting on Tower Hill, held a few days age *' to 
protest against the restrictions placed upon the public in regard to 
the yiewing of the Tower of London and its interesting relics werein 
collected," on the motion of a gentieman named Cox, it was unani- 
mously resolyed — 

*' That this meeting is of opinion that the iree opening of the Tower of 
London without useless restrictions and red-tapeiam is highly desirable and 
absolutely necessary, as the venerable fabric contains a million histories, 
which can only be properly studied and learnt, and conyerted to public benefit, 
by placing the building and its contents on the same footing as the British 
ICoBeum, National Gallery, and other national collections." 

In this opinion the liberal-minded and educated reader will concur, 
makinff allowance for some peculiarities in its expression. No doubt 
it is ** highly desirable," if not perhimsquito *^ absolutely necessary/' 
that the Tower of London should be freely open ** without useless 

re!^tri«tiqDs and T^-tap«isTn ; '' that is to say the red-tapeism which 
has prescribed the restrictions* 
Uaquestionabl^ also the Tow^r oontains a great many, if not as 
lany as ** a million " historical memorials, which 

.any as *' a million " Alston cai memonais, which may be 
oalli^d '' hi^tori^Sf'' and can ''only be properly studied an< 
by being duly inspectt^. 

The operation of those existing arrangements for admission to the 
Tower, denounced as ''uwkss restrictions and red-tapeism," was 
illustrated by the Cbainnan of the meeting, Mr. HsvBY Jupsov, who 
said that— 

** To lee tiis way in whieh visitors were treated there under the present 
systsm wss ts see a yery sorry sight indeed, and the only way to thoroughly 
undorstaad that system was to go to the Tower and juage for oneself. He 
had been there seyeral times, the last occasion being Monday the 12th ult. 
It was a most bitterly cold day, and the East wind searched the bones of the 
yisitors, who were waiting in the open air for fifty minutes to take their turn." 

Why are II En Ma/sstt's subjects, when they honour Heb 
MAJESTT^tf Tower with a yisit liable to be put to all that inconye- 
nicQce f And why is it that tney are allowed to see so yery litUe of 
Hku SiAJi-sTT's tower P You frequentiy hear your friends ask, 
"Why are we not shown the dungeons r" In the Tower it may 
be imagined that there are a ^ood many skeletons in the cupboards, 
some of the cupboards containing perhaps more than one skeleton 
each, but in what way can any skeletons in the Tower be more 
objectionable than th^i mummies m the British Museum P Is it true 
that the dungeons are haunted; that one i«ison-chamber still con- 
tinuea to resonnd at interyals with the groans of GuT Fawxes; 
and that the Tower Ghost, talked about &om time to time, is an 
awful fact P 

That the restrictions on yiewinglthe Tower, which certainly seem 
to haye been imposed either by rod-tapeism or some other official 
foolishness, maj be promptiy abolished, a public-spirited Member 
of Parliament will, perhaps, as soon as possible, draw up a Resolution 
similar to that agreed upon by the_ assembly _on Tower Hill, and 
propose it to the House of Commons. 



[Mat 1, 1880. 


An Old Tale adapted to new Tunes, With Apologies to Mediasval Mythology and J/r. Browning, 

T^'c*•^^ ^ 

Whore stands fair Edinbro^a city, 
TwLit the Firth of Forth and the FirUi of 

On the eaatem and the western lide, 
A pleiiaanter region you ne-ver spied; 

But, when begins my ditty 
(Twa* only a few brief months afo). 
To see that district monoiKjlised ao 
By Toriei st^med a pity* 
Tories ! 
They 'd jrkmoured the land with theit iiiih 

about priories 
(Even gammoned some Scotfl, though thfy 're 
oraimonly oute), 
And 80 tickled the*crowd with thra8oni<»i|torie8, 

Their faming and fluster, i^ ..^ ..^ ^^1 ,^ 
Their bragging and bluster, VrrOO V I VL 
That the Liberals pined, and grew mumohanoe and mute. 

Mat 1, 1680.] 




A CoBBBSPONDEKT of the Times, "R. B." 
oallB attenti<m to facts suggestiye of a way 
by wbJoh the question between Churchmen 
and Dissenters concerning: interment might 
easily be settled to the satisfaction of both 
sides. He says that " Mr. Mobgak does not 
seem to be acquainted with the condition of 
our Churchyards," which resembles that 
TOesented by the ** Gravediffger's Scene in 
Mamlei" insomuch that they JbLaTing mostly 
been full " for the last 300 years,'' and 
English people having all that while "been 
burying their dead in the ashes of the 
dead," now there " scarcely ever is a graye 
dug in the remotest churchyard without 
bones, skulls, &c, being thrown up." 
"Moreover," adds '*R. B.," "the level of 
all churchyards is considerably above the 
levd of the church-floor." If all this Ib 
really the case, it sdcmJcs for itself, and as 
distinctly as possible tells Mr. OsBOBiirB 
MoKOAK, and everybody else who cares to 
be told, the two thingiB the Le^slature 
should do for the solution of this ^r&ve 
difficulty; that is ^ pass an Aot to op«n the 
Churdiyards to all roaTiner of Disacnting 
bodies, and close them immediatcily against 
all bodies whatso^^ytr; thus both oijcning 
and closing them to ^verykKiy -vsithout dis- 
tinction of sect. So muuh for the presetit, 
from Yours ererlastiiigly, roBioc. 

Oourt Kews. 

LoBD HAXTurGTON took a constitutional 
walk on Thursday evening last from Windsor 
Railway Station to the Castle. He politely 
dedined the use 'of the perambulator sent 
to meet him. His gait and bis gingham 
were much admired. His carriage was con- 
spicuous from its absence. While waiting at 
the station for his return train, he carefully 
surveyed the new Liberal Platform. 

Keat ajid Appropriate. 
It is stated that at the last social Cabinet 
meetiDg, the Prime Minister read, with 
much pathos, the scene from Shelley's 
Prometheus Unbound, ending with the 

** Till they fkil, u I am failing— 
DizzT lost yet imbewailing ! " 

Initials on a Bock. 

OxTB comic religious contemporary, the 
Itock, advertises itself as opposed to 
" Ritualism. Rationalism, and RiimiiniEini." 
These maybe called the JRock^e Three K's 
ahead. R for Rock is a Fourth ; a j-'i fth is 
the Religion it sets up exclusive claims to ; 
to which may be added a Sixth, the Rid- 
lulity it provokes. 


E/ected— Ltiberals) . 
E/ected— J(ingoes) . 

The ohlt Coitsebvativx Wdtnings. 
On the " City and Suburban." 



His Wifb has a CoxPLixroK* of DAzzmro. BR4irTT, and hb contrives for her a 
Hbad-dbkss oonsistino of a Oflt Sconob with Wax-liohts and Reflectors to Lioht 
UP BEB Face, and surmounted. bt a Silver Bell to attract attbntion. 

Nexf Year hb will unveil and illuminb her Neck and Sbouldbrb, wrich abb 
equally Resplendent— and bo on, no doubt, till hb reaches thb hiqhbst Rung of the 

But at last those Liberals, all in a body. 

To Council and Caucus came flocking. 
** *Tis dear," cried they, ** that a Jingo *s a Noddy. 

And as for our Tory Gfovemment— shocking ! 
But the question is. what the deuce shall we do P " 
At which the Big- Whigs looked wofullv blue. 
And as good as admitted that none of tnem knew. 
But just as the Tories were all at full snigger, 
There suddenly popped up the funniest ngiae ; 

Glad in Galashiels checks, grey, green, and red, 

And a brand new gift silk-cap on his head ; 

And he himself was sallow and thiiu 

With keen dear eves that could scathe or win, 

And sparse white hairs and a parchment skin, 

Bcant tuft on cheek, no beard on chin. 

But lips firm-dench'd as an iron gin ; 

And no Liberal soul oould enough admire T 

The grim grey man and his quaint attire ; . OOQ I C 

But Qie Tories scowled and gave vent to theirTre. 



[Mat 1, 1880. 

Quoth they. ** A new trick of the Aroh-Delnder I 
Let us muBier and kiok out this base intruder." 


But he adTanoed to the Goundl table, 

And ** Please yonr Worships," said he, " I *m able, 

By means of a secret charm, to draw 

All creatures — with ears — beneath the sun ; 

After me they are bound to run 

In such a style as you never saw. 

I *m willing," said he, ** to try my charm 

On the Tones— they 're doing: the country harm, 

I 'm also possessed of a spell, you 'U see, 

To strengthen limp Libs, who ' ve ^one weak at tile knee ; 

The time-serving Rat and the envious Yiper ; 

And they cail me Wandering Wilue the Pi^per." 

And here they observed that he carried his i>ipe0, 

This man of the breeze-blown Ghdashiels stripes, 

And his finders, they noticed, were ever itrayinf, 

As if impatient to be playing. 

But the Big- Whigs looked just a little bit eool, 

Inclined to believe that the man was a fool ; 

Whilst the Tories yelled ** You may do your worst, 

And blow away till your Bagpipes burst." 

Into the street the Piper fteptt 

Smiling a little saroonic smu«, 
As if he knew what music slept. 
In his quiet pipes the while* 
Then like a regular Sootek adept, 
To blow the pipes his Hps he bagged, 
His fingers new, ne'er a moBient they laMsd, 
And e'er three notes the pipes had utteres 
You heard as if all Scotland muttered ; 
And the muttering grew to a niightjr roaring, 
And out of their strongholds the Tories oame pofork^r* 
With many a grunt and many a groan : 
And not the Tory hosts alone. 

But the Liberal rats. There were swell rats, ttedy raAa, 
Bold rats, timid rata, plump rats, greedy rats, 
Nor the rats and the Tories alone oame forth. 
But the long-silent Radical hosts of the Nortki 
Willingly, gleefully, shouting and cheering, 
Heedless of '* fagots," of jibe, and of jeering, 
Grave old plodders, and gay young fnskers. 

Grandfathers, fathers, sons, uncles, and oousbu ; 
Greybeards, boys with scarce-budding whisken, 

Valiant voters, by twos, tens, dozens. 
And as still that Piper (a plague on him t) played, 
Not the North alone in his train was arrayed. 
But the Voters flocked from east, west, south, 
And the Midlands^ witched by that magical mouth ; 
Voters from counties, and cities, and boroughs, 
From toil at the fumaoe, from work at the furrows ; 
Voters from mansion, mart, meadow, and mine, 
Voters of all sorts and sizes, in fine, 
Rushing and crushing, ran easerly after 
That wonderful music, with snouting and laughter. 
Then the Big- Whigs stared, and the Tories stood 
As if they were changed into blocks of weod, 
Unable to fashion a fetching cry 
To rally those Voters hurry mgoy— 
Ck>uld only follow with envious eye, 
Hearts in the doldrums and heads on the rack, 
Tliat numberless crowd at the Piper's back, 
A mighty flood whose resistless roll 
Swept that Piper's foes from their place at the PoU. 
• • • • • • 

So WiLLDB has j;yroved to be surest of wipers 
Of scores out with Tories, who hate all such Pipers. 
He has piped us free of the Jingoes— ^A^^ 're no miss I — 
And he promises welL May he keep his promise I 

gsUy from Below Stairs. 

The subject of Vaocination has again turned up, and areuments 
are advanced anew for obtaining vaccine lymph from the Calf. Mr. 
John Thomas writes to say that he would prefer bcong vaccinated in 
the arm. 

Appropbiaie TvstonMASCS.'— George JBarmeeU at the Gaiety. 
" Very tragical mirth." 

Now Titles are going, who 's to'.have the Earldom of Earlswood P 


THE Universal 
Saillh has 
again, under 
the gad-fly sting 
of criticism, 
kicked over the 
ropes, and fairly 
bolted from the 
Fran^ais. Her 
present address 
IS St. Addresse, 
near Havre. She 
is determined to 
have so much, at 
least, of the saint 
about her. 

The world has 
been informed 
that she has 
declared her in- 
tention of devot- 
iDg herself to 
painting and 
sculpture, and 

1)1 ay in g no 
onger, after 'she 
, , has fulfilled her 

Enfflish eBga|rement.TBut*then*(a8k these abominable critics again) 
at ner paintmg and 'sculpture has she not been playing till now, 
and wiU she not go on playing as much as ever P On this point, 
as on all, Sabah appeals from her critios to the public. 

SoQie of the former declare that her present retreat to St. Andresse 
is mere matter of address. 

As the French proverb puts it^** We recule pour rnteux tauter! " 
or, in the words of the immortal Williams, she makes herself scarce, 

" Being wanted, ahe may be more wondered at 1 " 

The difELculty with this eccentric Lady is not to say, '* che Sard f " 
hut ''ehenon Sard f' 

Till she takes herself, her life, and her many arts ati eMeux, 
there can be little chance of the critics doing so. JEn attendant she 
must be content, **arande tragSdienne,^^ as she would be willinglv 
accepted, to pass for a **farceuse" who likes nothing so mucn 
as to poke fun at the public, and to mystify those who are simple 
enough to interest themselvds about her vagaries. 

{Apropos of a Monument not yet in the Abbey,) 

Bays the Duke of W. to the Dean of W., 
** You see how things are going, Mr. Dean, 

And e'en at this late hour I '11 make bold to trouUe you. 
To ponder what these late elections mean. 

" I must confess to me it's as plain as A B 0,— 
And to you the fact may not seem immaterial, — 

That the People's voice is dear to all who care to hear, 
* We '11 have nought to do with anything Imperial.' " 

Savs the Dean of W. to the Duke of W., 
''^ There 's something in the inference, jour Grace ; 

I am open to conviction, and to stop aU rurther friction, 
Suppose we found the Prince another place I " 

Marry in Haste, and Bepent at Leisure. 

As this is Leap Year, we may remind our marriageable readers of 
both sexes that the Germans call April 21 the " Buss-tag," meaning 
the Da]r of Eepentance. Too many a British lad and lass after 
the Amil Fool game of ** Kiss in the Bing," have had reason to keep 
their Buss-tag as a day of repentance ever afterwards ! 


Thbbb is said to be an increase this month in one item of our 
imports from France— the Article of Jesuitfr— of which there is only 
already too large a stock in this country. 

Ebkatxtx.— The « Apropos Anagram" in'^iJfiii^^fi'ol^il havebecOQ printed 
—*' William £. GLAnsTOMa—Aa willing to lead *em" 




Mat 8, 1880.] 




Tommy (who has just hem operated on\ '* / mean to bb ▲ Dentut, wbbn I 


AwU Annie, ** "Why, Diar I " 



DsAS Db« PnircH, 

Reflecting penons have begrnn to lee that, for 
le^islatioii on sanitary matters and questions inyolving; 
medioal science, the services of a sufELoiAnt number of 
competent Medical Men such as yourself, Sir, are wanted 
in the House of Ck>mmons. You, of course, personally, 
are engaged elsewhere. In other cases the objection may 
be taken that physicians, surgeons, and general prac- 
titioners of eminence would find it impossible to attend 
to both their patients and their parliamentary duties. 
Vain would be the ring at the night-bell of an Honour- 
able Gentleman accustomed to spend his ni^ht at St. 
Stephen's, after the usual fashion of the yotanes of that 

Erotomartyr, and not to go home till morning, till day- 
ght doth appear. 

But the world knows nothing of its greatest 
medical men, like you know whom. Sir. Philosophers 
accustomed to think for themselyes, declare their 
thoughts, and deviate from routine, thereby alarm the 
majority of both their Profession and the Public, get 
themselves reputed eccentric, and obtain a practice, if 
any, very select indeed. 

A moderate number of Medical Members of that sort 
would suffice for the requiremente of the House of 
it? Obviously by soliciting them to teke seate, and 
paying them pretty handsomely when they take them, 
so as to make it worth their wbde to sit ! 

If those conditions could not be fulfilled, it might be 
found more practicable to introduce medical philosophy 
into tiie Legislature vid the House of Lords. 

Of the two Houses, a Physician or Surgeon, Physiologist 
and rational being, would decidedly prefer the Peers, on 
account of the reasonable hours wont to be kept in that 
House, as compared with the other. Also, because of 
the comparative brevity of Noble Lords* eloquence. 

I enclose my card, by which your readers will perceive 
that I am at home from ten till twelve in the morning, 
and from three till five in the afternoon. In the mean- 
while believe me your affectionate Brother Chip, 

AsGLEPHTS JoHirsoir. 

1, Cefjdaur Street^ Chiron Place, 
Hbus6 round the Corner A 

A Very Old Master. 

A REPORT of a recent meeting of the Senate at Cam- 
bridge states that the candidate for B.D. "is required 
to be a M.A.. of at least four years' standing from crea- 
tion." At that rate, there must be Masters of Arte 
nearly as old as Adah. Or does Darwinism rather re- 
quire us to read for **Adax" the first Anthropoid Ape, or 
Marine Ascidian ? 


Mr, Oladstone. First Lord of the Treasury and Chancellor of the 
Exchequer? Hum! Well. I suppose I can*t say '*no." But, 
consider a moment; wouldn't Hartiugtoit, now f 

Marquis ofHartinaton, Oh, pray don't mind me ! Anything will 
do for me. Mere, I 'U have India f 

Earl &pmeer. And a very i^ood thing teo ; why, look at me, I 'm 
only Lord President of the Council ! 

The Duke of AraylL ^yhaX^ Ton grumblingP Why, I've only 
got the Privy Seal I What am 7 to do with the Privy Seal ? 

Mr, Bright, About aa inuoh ai I shall with the l)uchy of Lan- 
caster! The Duchy of Lanoaitert Do they think that they're 
going to mozzle m© with thai f 

Mr, Chamh^rluifu If they do, they mmst regard it as of a far 
tougher mate rial lb an the Board of Trjide. The Board of Trade, 
indeed ! That ^b it, i^ it F It doem^t sound like a Caucus, does it r 
But, ha f ha I You wait. You ^11 Bce 1 

Mr, W. E. For^ter, Wait? On© would have thought that waiting 
might have led to Bomething a little hotter than the Irish 

Lord Selbome, Well, here I am again. And I don't mean to miss 
my chance this time. 

Earl of Kimberley, Quito ri^ht : no more do I. No,— if there is 
any weak point in the Cahinet, it is certainly not 


Sir WxUiam Harcourt, The Home Department. My tect, discre- 
tion, and general diplomatic habit of mind would, perhaps, have 

bef*ti diB^ilayed t/i greater advantage iu the role of 

JE^ri (Jmnviiie. Foreijfu Secretary f' ^ot a bit of it I Jam, |Mir 
excf^il*m(^e^ the fi^ht man in the right place* 

Mr. H* C, E. Cht/thra. Most c<^rtttmlT* And, I wish I could say 
as much for mrself, Tht) War Oilit.^1- Why the very first thing! 
shall do will \m to teach the permatient heads the Hornpipe! 

Eari fif Nfirthhrook. Eealty ? W*>U, I wUh you would give me a 
lebmn lir«t, I learnt a good deal in India, but, alas! — not that! 

Mr. Bodnon, Weil, my Ijurds and Gtintlemen— we've all a good 
deal to learn. Eren an efficient President of the Local Government 
Board isn't made in a day ! 

KihilUm Anniliilated. 

Gbnskal Losis Melikoff is reported from St. Petorshurg to he 
"doing all in his power to finisn as quickly as possible with 
Nihilism." Should he succeed in so doing, Mllikoff will he en- 
titled to change his name to Fikisaoff. Success to him in hm 
endeavour to reduce Nihilism to Nil. 

Post hoc bt Paoftbb hoc.— A little Cr(Wi,v 
Cross, he is. 




[Mat 8, I88a 



^^ • N^ .^^ 


Prendent Welcome, Sir I ''Weloome 

as the llawera in May 1 *' 
Premier, Thank* 1 London^ brifhtett 
May tiijw'rsi on© might wy, 
Are thoie that Yearly bloom upan your walls, 
Art's annual blosaomingH. 
President {aMe). And Clubdom calls 

This man austere, ungraciouB ! [Ahud,] Bir, I hope, 
Without o'erduly at retching your neat trope^ 
TMb year's pk^^'^rt! py.rttrre may please 
The cultured t«iBU» Uxai, like the Attio beea, 
Has supped from olassio chalices. 
Premier {astde)» They say 

This man's mock-Greek! {Aloud.) The grace of the 

old day, 
The glory that was Greece, 
On Lbiohton's Canvass. 


Mat 8, 1880.] 




•« Will, Rboi, tou don't Smokb tbt, I sunoai ! " 

"No ; BUT ir tou hayb ant 'Juvpino Powder' about tou, I 'll taki a full I *' 

PainUr (aside,) He '11 make Fbbddt Tain I 

Enoug^h of Hyblan sweets, my Cookalorums I 

Methyglyn is the oloyingest of jorums. 
PvMenU We set you high lati year—anticipation 

Of that which now the Terdict of the Nation 

Makes an Art-dream no more. 
Premier, I apprehend. 

I stood before the CanTass of tout mend. 

And dreamed— it matters littid what ; the whole 

Has oome to pass* 
PaifUer {aside,) '* Oh, my prophetio soul I " 

President. A splendid portrait of a splendid 

Premier. Hush I 

Bo not diTide the laurels j let the brush 

YxLASQUxz might haTe wielded take them all. 
Painter, Tou 're ^ magnanimous I 
Premier, On yonder wall 

A pendant master-pieoe now meets my siffht. 

From the same hand,— my noble friend, JosK Bbioht. 

Superb, Sir I Art is happy most in this, 

That the Arena's ohangmg cheer or hiss 

It need not echo, giTing welcome hearty 

To all. 
Painter (aside). When they are up ! 
President. Art knows not party, 

But hospitality's old rule holds best, 

" Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." 
Premier, Fortunate I to be in time for this I 

So pleasant a May-Meeting who would miss ? 

{^Exeunt m/ahoganywards. 

bibb eXTTINO UP. 

Sib Hxvbt Allsopp's Ulster Hand haTing become a fait 
aeoompU^ we understand Mr. Bass is about to adopt a Coronet for 
his trade-mark, in hope of a like result. 


Prefatial Arrangements—Letters from the Editor to Celebrated 
Novelist — Letter from Celebrated Novelist to Editor — Amicable 
settlement-'Eetraction— Interesting and Important Announce- 

Lstt^r the Fiftfrom Editor to Celebrate Nopslist, 

Mt Dbab Antonio, 

WBjthe Modem NotcI Go. (Limited) » want a work from 
your pen. W hen can you let us haTc it ? 

Tours, Eduob (Novel Co. Limited), 

Chairman of the Modem Navel Committee, 
Without pr^'udice, 

Dbab Editob, 

Mt name is not Antonio. It is Anthont with the '*h." 
There is no use in retaining the ** h." But I like it. You want. 
TOU say, '* a work from my pen." Do you ? Gbod. Perhaps I 'a 
better send you one of my pens if joix think that can do the work, 
without the hand and head, and let me add, my good Sir, the heart 
to guide it. Now to business. What do you want f hey ? In your 
next let me know what you do want from 

Tours truly, 
With lots of prejudice, AjrriroNT Dollop. 

The Warren, Bahey Buntingford, 

From the Editor to the Novelist aforesaid. 

Mt Dbab Tont, 

Thx *' h " will be all right when we print your name. Ton 
don't care about being Italianised, do you, as Antonio, no, that 's 
your brother Doddlbfuss. Now, as you say— to business. We 
want a noTel, not^ if you will allow me we expression, in your noTcl 
style^ but in your good old first-rate style ; 1 mean, that strle ai 
applied to that class of subjects, chiefly ecdesiastical, by which you 
are known, for which as a master of Action, absolutely unsurpassed, 
you are celebrated, and to which all your most ardent admirers and 
most sincere well-wishers do hope you will speedily return. Such • 



[Mat 8, 1880. 


Mtmher (hursHng iiUo Card-Boom, 9 A.1I.). **0h, Waitib, have tou— I fancy 


WaiUr. ''Hsbb it is, Sib, 'siko'lab thing, Sib,— 'an it undxb thb 
Tablb dibxo'lt 1 ooMx into thb Boom I 'Luokt I got hbbb ittht bbtobb 

ANT O' thb MbMBBBS, SiB I 1 " 

novel, in yoxLT genuine, easy-going, good old style of The Chroniclea of BaraeU^ 
Mhire, and The Lcist Chrontcle of Bar$ellt with lots of Parsons, Deans, Bishops, 
and their wives and families ; that is ^e sort of thing we want, and what the 
public demands from yonr pen— I beg yonr pardon, 1 mean from your hand, 
head, and heart.* CBy the way, don't you write with a pen P) This, my dear 
friend ToNr, is what we require, preferring suoh a work of genius to suoh other 
works of genius of yours as are represented, for example, by The Prying 
Minuter^ How We Dye Now, Who Used kie Diamonds, and others too 
numerous, but not too humorous, to mention. Tour terms are ours, and easy 
does it. The sooner you can let us have it the better, as from^ the moment 
the novel is announoeo, our doors will be besieged by anxious inquirers, and our 
letter-box ohoke full of communioations from anxious pen-and-ink-quirers, 
who will waste reams of paper— ** reams, idle reams I "—in bothering us to 
know when you are going to begin. So, my dear Toirr, let us have your answer, 
and believe us (and me)^ yours sincerely, 

The EnrcoB (Novel Co. Limited). 
With less prejudice than ever. 

Deab Ed. Nov.vCo. Lim., 

Dow't call me *' Tont." I don't like it. Tont is only associated in 
the public mind with *' Lxtmpkin." If you insinuate I 'm a Lumpkin, all is 
off between us. Retract '* Tont,'* and I'm yours to command. As to your 
opinion of my former or present sl^le, I won't take it even for what it is worth. 
Keep it to yourself : I have no use for it. Ton want a novel, on what you call 
an Eodesiastical subject. That 's the English of it, isn't it ? Hey ? Tou quote 
my titles incorrectly, and you omit The Churchwarden, Everyone liked The 
churchwarden ; and I think I 've got just the thing for your readers, or rather 
foT mine. How about The Beadle f Hey ? Hasn't ^t the true smack about 

« This part of our correspondenoe reminds us curiously enough of another correspon- 
dence with a aimilar object long ago. between the fir^t editor ol the ComhiU Magazine, 
Mr. W. M. Thacilbkay, and one of nU leading contributors, Mr. Anthony Trollopb. 
Tbe former wanted a novel for the Magazine ; the latter had commenced an Irish tale, 
when he was '* civilly told" that what was expected of him was a story thoroughly 
English, and, "if possible, about Clergymen." History repeats its situations with new f 

itP Hey? That's the man for your money. The 
Beadle if Small-Beetyester Bowers. Hey? How's 
that? You say terms are all right. That's business. 
Consider it settled. I'll do The Beadle, snd throw in 
a couple of Bishops and a few new dignitaries for the 
money. Hey ? Don't call me Tont again. I believe 
you my boy, and am yours bluffly, 

Anthont Dollop. 
With any amount ofpr^'udice. 

From Editor Novel Co, Limited to Novelist, 
Deab Awthokt with ak " H ." 

I EETBACT *' ToNT," and 80 aU is on again be- 
tween us. Not only oelieve me, but believe The Com- 
pany Limited, which I represent, and which deals with 
you for this work of art [by my advice mind) that is to 
astonish England, Europe, and the world. Let us have 
the first instalment of The Beadle— it m to be The 
Beadle is it not?— as soon as possible, so that I may 
fairly auEonnra it together with the correspondence 
which, of course, yau liave no objection to my publish- 
i^i;. Doa't forget the Bishops, and the **few new 
diKmiaries/^ and, if possible, make one of 'em an Arch- 
biimop, Don^t omit tlie female element of the ecdesias- 
ticd life. Thoroughly English. Tou know how to do 
the trick* I am, or we are. 

Yours most sincerely, 

Withouf wr^judice—exeept in your favour. 

{Prom Novelist to Editor,) 

With compliments. I don't approve of " doing 
the trick.'* I 'm always prejudiced— in nivour ot honesty, 
truth, aiid justice. Every Englishman ought to be. 
Oughtn't he, eh ? I refer you to my novd The Church- 
warden ; or. Put that m your Pipe and Smoke It f Not 
read it? Cretit. In haste. Tours 

' A. D., 1880. 

Au Public, ^JL letter from Mr. Ahthont Dollop 
'protesting against the publication of the correspondence 
arrived, we deeply regret to say^ too late to be of any 
use. In compliance, however, with the eminent Nove- 
list's request, we at once retract as far as it is possible 
to do so, the whole of the corree^ndence in question, 
which we have only published in view of any difficulties 
that might subsequently arise between the high con- 
tracting parties. 

In conclusion we, on behalf of the Novd Company 
Limited, beg to announce the appearance in our next of 
an entirely new and original novel entitled 





Author of** The Chronicles of Banellehire,^^ **Beerjester 
Brewers,^' "The Haffway House at Aleinton," 
'* Thorl^ Farmjor Cattle,'^ " FamiHu Parsonage,'' 
**The Prying Minieter,'' ** Pearls Before Swine, 
or. Who Used His Diamonds f " " R^£ the Hair,*^ 
*• The Way We Due Now,'* ** Fishy JFUn,'* '^Fishyas 
Wildux,'' **Dr. Thorne and Damd James,'' *' Star 
and Garter.Bichmond," " Bachel Hooray/" " The 
Jellies of JeUy," '* The Bertrams and Boberts," 
*\Lady Pye-Anna," *' TaiU of AU Creatures," 
**'Arry 'Otspur" ** Mary Oreasily," *' Vicar of 
PuUbaker" *' McDermoU of Balladsinoerun,^' 
** CanH You Forget Herf" ** He Knew He Could 
Write;' 8fc., 8fe, 

A Discovery. 

Wb read in the Times— 

« Some doouments seised at Bsroelona show the ezistenoe of 
a considerable quantity of forged Spanish Bonds, beliered to 
have the same origin as those detected some time ago on the 
Paris Bourse." 

Spanish Bonds, then, are really worth something— 
they are worth forging Digitized by r^- - 

Mat 8, 1880.] 




(By " Private View," of the It.A. Volunteer Corps.) 

A VBA T emptor / — Look 
out, Picture - buyers ! 
The Academy is open. 
The yerdiots have been 
pronounced. Many who 
haye acquitted them- 
selyes to their own eatis- 
f aoHon , bfive been hnnfir ; 
and the Uahung nre no 
longer in a state of aus- 

Allow me to take you 
through ^the halls of 
dazzling' light, and poiat 
out the objects ot" special 
interest* Where the 
Artist has made a mil- 
take in his title^ I have 
approjjriateJy rechris- 
tened it j and where the 
descri|*tioB Uinaocuratet 
or mislt^adiag, I have 
jost thrown m a few 
touches to complete the 
pietures* Walk up! 
Walk up [ Leave j<ixii 
BtiokB and umbfellaBiu 
the haU, purchase a 
oataloguCf reft^r to the 
Guide Irom week to week 
for aid and aasiBtanoe* 
pay your shilling-, ana 
be bappf ! Ladies and 
Gentlemen, i^wit'^x moi/ 
And my friends reply, 
'' Lead on ; we fol- 
low P^ Eyes right and 
left! And so Private 

View, in his full reginientals, preoedes General Public. Moniez I Montez J 

At first starting I do not begin at the beginning, but direot public attention to the following 

numbers, by way of a preliminary eanter. 
No. 204. '*A Bite'" «» V. X.^iaim 

Shakspearian line, — 

'<Fleal Flea*enoeI Flea!" 


No. 217. An Infant Phenomenon in the Ladv Macbeth Sleenwalktng Scene. H. T. 
Wblls. K.A. It is called " Yiotoria Kegina," and may be intended for *'The Victoria.'* 
It may be a Victoria, but it's not a /S'Aav-d'oeuyre. No matter ;—** All *s wells that ends wells," 
as Crutch and Toothpick chaunt on All Swells day. Let *b leaye Wills alone and pass on. 

No. 239. Out of Order : or. Mechanical Doll with the Spring Broken. J. £. Millais, 
B. A. Neyer mind, there 's plenty more from the toy-shop where she came from, and it 's 
neyer too late to mend. 

No. 250. Judge us hi/ what we are, not what we wear. E. J* PonrriB, R.A. The 
subject is Venua showing a clean pdr of heels to jEscukpius, who^ with the skill of a doctor 
and the eye of a poet, is ^camUng nerfeeU 

No. 262. On Board ILM, S. Beikrophon, July 23, 1815* W. Q. OechABDBOW. R.A. 
BoKAPABTE a prissoner on hoard the Billy Hough ^un, looking towards the coast of France. 
The Artist should have called this olever picture, ** Ooing Nap" 

No. 282. ** Take a card— I won't look--youHl ktniw it again *^ &G, MlBCUS SroXTB, A. 
For this there should be a '' Mail Stom / " ohorua. A Preoious Stone, A Gem. 

No. 298. On the Prowl ; or^ Lionising an Artiste BBiroir Eitteeb, A* A most striking 
moture. But whei^e was the Artiat when he took the portraite of these terrific brutes ? 
Behind a pillar ? He calls it " A Night W<iichJ' What a night watch he must haye had 
of it I He must be a yery bold Briton* 

No. 322. Thit Bight Mcmourahle John Bright, M.P. J* E, MiLLAra, R.A. Eminent 
political j)erBon on a sueoeshf ul caav&sa. Admirable portrait. But it 's not Zows BiUGHT 
at his Brightest. He should have been taken ** Orating/* and every expression caught. Yet, 
for all that, 'tis a speaking likeuesa* 

No. 328. fJood Fwwfr&m a Private Bo3i^. L. Auca Tadema, R.A. 

No. 416. Htiiry Irving as Jlamiet ; or^ Knee Pius Vlira. E. LoiTff, A. A three- 
quarter length, and quite long enough. The Artbt felt the subject would scarcely bear 
E-long-a-tioUf and perhaps he^U giro ns the remainder next year, ''To be oontinued in 
our next." As Hamlet himst^U obicrves, ** Very Hke_. very like. Stayed it Lon^ P " &c. 
(Act I., s. 2). Of oonrse the answer would be— Juat auffident time to hav^i his portrait taken. 

No. 571. The IncoTupkte LrMer- f^Viter, Oko» Keu), Portrait of a Gentleman trying 
to think "What on earth he shall say" in his letter. The title is the " Provost of Peter- 
Head," but the bothert^d and perplexed eipreasion suggests the * ' Pn>vo8t of Stupidhead." 
The Artist is doubtless correct : Hide and Right. 

;No. 606. Bemie, daughUr of C\ Andrew^ Bnq. Q. D. Leslie, R^A. Pretty Lawn- 
Tennisonian Piuture* Pity she should be represented at a rackety sort of girL What *• the 
fitate of the game ? ' * 1 if teen— Love ,' ' 

Sir F. liuaHioir, P.B.A. Sir Fbxdsbiok should haye ehosen the 

No. 612. A Hot Day at Cookham. Otto 
WsBEB. It ought to be hot if you go to 
cook 'em. And there are such a lot of 
cattle to oook I More like Gowes. But whj 
not call it an ** Otto " day ? Let us hope it 
is not by any means ** Weber's Last." 

No. 613. The Ehb Tide on the Bar. 
Waltee J. 8haw. One of the best pic- 
tures in this year's Academy. The Artist 
henceforth to be distinguished as ** Sea- 
Shaw." Visitors are particularly re- 
quested to see Shaw, when they will all 
aRTee vdth me, and bo waverors amon^ 
them. On dit, that tliis has been pur- 
ehaaed by an eminent II. A. He was ait- 
ting before it ; and, carried away by the 
sea-sentiment inspired by Shaw, began t« 
hum to himself, or to humseH,— '*^iiy the 
Sud Sea Wave;" and he bought it This 
stflry may be told to the Marin ea. The 
title of the picture is a little j^Mxzlmg t^ 
inlanders, who aek ** where the ebb is tind 
on the bar ?*^ and "how in the ebb tied mx 
the bar P " and so on. But no mattei^'tii 
a delightful picture, and " Ebber of th*iu 
1 ^m fondly dreaminiTf" llr. 8ea-8HAW. 

No. 614:. " No Both mg- Machine /— (bfit 
where are the PoHeef)*' Sir P. Lkighton, 
P . R. A . Sir F JiED UtiCK calb it * * Pm mt-ithf^.'^ 
Very likely it is, bat more suggestive of 
Jane Shore. Wbat a subject it would have 
been for Mr* Saijots t Every one must ieel 
considerable delicacy in talking of Ihia 
Lad>% as no charitable person would like to 
speak of her behind her back ; and yet they 
oaa*t help it, if they are to speak of her 
at all. 

:^o. 654, Gtahen at Rome, Feank 
Dr€KY. Two young Ladies kissing on the 
stairs. Quite a pair-o^^ Dicey notion of 
fashionable " Angela^ visits/* 

No. 655. Cvf^naifi. Sif F, LEionTOif, 
P.R.A. It should be called " Demi- Tim- 
light y^' and the motto be Drtden's lioe, — 
« For Uttle souli on Uttie shifts rely/' 


I 'ic as clear as a babe new-born 

Of corruption, and of bribery, 
As at Highgate I '11 dare be sworn, 

Or take my 'davy at Highbury. 
If you likes you may stand me a pot, 

'Uause that 's nothink beyond congenial, 
But to bribe me best offer not ; 

No, I 'd not be so beastly yenial. 

Our Member, he says to me, 

As he might haye said to any man, 
'* Bill Smithbbs," he says, says he, 

'* A fi-pun note to a penny, man, 
I '11 lay you I don't come in. 

Are yer game to take a shy at me P" 
He spoke them words with a grin. 

And playful he wunk his eye at me. 

I says "Done ; my chance is fair, 

A good offer I neyer refuses." 
Says ne, " Now to win jou declare, 

And I means, to pay if I loses." 
So I did wot I possible could 

In my own self- defence and purteotion, 
Wliioh the party I backed, when he stood. 

Lost his wager and gained his election I 

Wen he know'd his seat was sure. 

He paid me the bet a« I won of him, 
Whioh my 'ands bein' perfeekly pure, 

The same was 'ansome done of him. 
Now 'ere U the ff-pun note. 

As I pookets without hillegality. 
So don't ^ou say I sold my vote, 

Wich r 'olds dean agin iporiality. 

The Labi Cbdcb of isx Latb GtovcBN- 
MBNir.~(Let us hope so.)—** Bibbwiism." 

— '^L. — :.-: e 



[May 8, 1880. 


Orawny (Jram (he OaunUry), "But why do test all show ths Tom or tbsir Aeiib ik that sidioitlovs xankbb!' 
Facetious Youth, **Tem vaot u, Grahdma^ thht'uT all GOiNa to.qb Yaooinatbd attib S^ppsbI" 


William the Woodman lays aside his axe^ 
. And takes a tnm at somewhat finer tooling. 
Deft Craftsman as he is, the work might tax 

The j>raoti8ed skill that follows lengtiiy schooling. 
Chopping down trees,— Upas or otherwise, — 

Is roughish toil, less asking mind than mnsde, 
Bat here 's a '* first-class job," mv hoy, that tries 

More than comes out in mere athletic tussle. 
Ton find, of oonrse,— it really scarce needs telling, — 
Shaping and fitting harder work than felling. 

Such lots of timber too I Shortness of stuff 

Is scarce more puzzling than such saperfioity. 
Some fine of grain, some all too rough and tough 

To fit the rest with closeness and congruity. 
To shape all well, and joint it firm and fast, 

Use no unsound, ana waste no good material, 
And make a neat, strong job of it at last. 

Fitted for piirposeaand needs imperial. 
Was stiff to work, still work you scarce could shirk, man, 
So buckled to like a true British workman 1 

Most of your stuff 's well seasoned, some too dry^ 

Say some folks ; better dry than green, however ; 
And some that now for the first time you trr 

Is wood unseasoned. Craftsman keen and deyer, 
Let 's hope in this you may make no mistake ; 

That you may find it nor too soft nor knotty. 
Firm in the fibre, free from **Bap" and ''shake; " 

Of substance sound, of grain not loose or spotty, 
Taking the polish kindly, and not warping. 
Nor giving rival Joiners cause for carping. 

It does not look amiss, one may admit, 

Strong, shapely, well-squared. As for the inlaying, 
Perhaps that mi^ht have been improved a bit. 

Or so some quidnunc critics have been saying. 

'Tis hard to please all I If it stand and hold, 
And bide uie stress of heat and changing weather, 

The world will own this Craftsman old yet bold 
Has not forgot his cunning altogether. 

The Cabinet shows well, there's no denial. 

But, Will my lad, remember it 's on trial. 

(From Mr, Punches Lectures thereon,) 

Takb six pounds of red paint, a pail of whitewash, and an old 
hearth-broom. Thus provided, commence your dado. lAy the 
whitewash freely on the upper portion of the wall, reaching as high 
as vou can, and bearing in mind, if it looks patchy, that a JUU tone 
is thorouffhly inartistic. Now begin with your red. If you can't 
get the depth very uniform, remember that the line of beauty is 
never a straight one. Having gone up and down the staircase and 
round all the rooms armed with this reflection, you can begin your 

Dor^t have a carpet in the house^ but rely solely on fresh straw. 
Nothing is sweeter, and you can always command a plentiful supplv 
from empty Co-operative Store cases. Friends, on calling, will 
probably not come in as soon as they notice this. Ton, therefore, 
need not have that modem abomination, an iron umbrella-stand, in 
the halL Nor, indeed, anything else. 

If you possess a drawing-room f uU of early Yictorian furniture, 
knock off its hideous excrescences with the meat-chopper. This 
will give it quite a Chipping-dale look. Don't forget that old 
things are the rage. Chairs going to pieces will serve your purpose. 
If anybody does call and proposes to stay, say. good-humouredly, 
*' Come, I won't have my old furniture sat upon by yoti." 

Don't buy china. Account for its absence oy the remark that you 
are not going to let handsome things " go to the wall." If you feel 
you must have a few plates, out them out of back numbers of the 
Ghraphie, Better still— decorate jour walls yourself. Tou can do 
this most effectively with a burnt walking-stick. If hard up for a 



A QUANTITY OF MAl^RULI" Dinitiz.d bv Goodc 


Digitized by 


May 8, 1880.] 



subject RO to the Classics. Try Tiagil, say, as something neat and appropriate, 
Dado and JSneas. 

With regard to yonr bed-rooms— don*t have any. TMs will make your house 
mo»t peculiar — at the very emallest outlay. You will, by this means, accom- 
plish the great end of modem artistic efiort, distancing your neighbours. In 
tact, in the SBsthetio race, it will be your own fault if, after haying heard 
Mr, Punches Lectures, you don't win in a Cantor. 




{After Browning,) 

Now I have plenty of leisure, leisure enough and to spare. 
Better is this, far better, than Babylon's bother and blare. 
Ah ! what a me, what a life I have led for six Sessions there I 

Something to see, by Jove, and to hear, more pleasant at least 

Than Westminster's benches and babble. The eye and the ear may feast ; 

Though I rather wish that the wind wouldn't blow so much from the East. 

Ahal I dare say that wish will be echoed by poor John Bull. 

Here I may lie on my oars, let the rival stroke try a pull ; 

I rather fancy he '11 nnd that his hands are confoundedly full. 

He has raised a most thundering cry, let us see if he '11 bring in much wool. 

But the Country, ah, the Countnr— the buds and the blossoms I Why 
It is forty years or more since tms spectacle gladdened mv eye — 
The Woods in the early spring-time I Qh, pleasant rurali^ I 
I 'ye lonff ed for this often and often, and now I am free to fly, 
Just in the nick of time, to the bowers of Arcady. 
I really take it remarkaoly ciyil of Destiny. 

What of St. Stephen's P Elections all oyer in April by riffhts, 

But it will be far on in May ere they muster for party fi^pts. 

They 'ye a rough bit of road before them : some of 'em will pant and wheeze. 

Whilst I~I am doing the dolce here under Hughenden's trees. 

Will they better my game, I ask yon P Can they change it all at once P 

Not e'en at the dictate of Dileb— ^at fellow ii aught but a dunce. 

If he really conciliates all. Will will do most amazingly well ; 

But the Bads at the end oi his *' tail," if he snubs them, will rage and rebel, 

And swear that Midlothian programme was nought but a sham and a sell — 

Dear me I how exceedingly sweet these wild wotxi-hyaoinths smell I 

Won't they juat haye it hot, down there I Won't^CsAXBSBLAnr spout and 

splash P 
Make GsuryiLLB's bland lips quiyer, and HAxrnrGTOir'a oold eye flash P 
That Brummagem Oracle, though, won't be easy to daunt or to dash — 
Ah I it looks yery promising now, yet how soon^t may end in smash. 

All the Session long at. St. Stephen's, what shall you 

hear if you linger P . 
(Eh P Tes, by Joye I that 's the cuckoo. A quaintly 

signiflcant singer I 
Ah I those apple-blossoms I how pretty I how well with 

the young green they mingle 1 
One might dream that the Dryads were dancbg down 

there in the neen-misted dingle) — 
Sophistry, squabble, stupidity, setting one's ears in a 

Till August, or early September, the Lords and the 

Commons are shrill, 
And drowsy drudges grmd on at the Parliamentary mill. 
Enough of the Session I I really donH enyy Magniloquent 


Ere you open your eyes in London the wretched street- 
cries begin. 
And as soon as yon 're down to breakfast the letters come 

pouring in ; 
Then jrou must skim the news— skim-milk is scarcely so 

tmn — 
(The cream down here is delicious I) List to the Radical 

O'er another Conseryatiye whipping, another Liberal win. 
Then the comic paper pictures— they giye it me awfully 

But their pillory isn't so bad as their praise— duU, 

syoopbant rot! 
The Titne^ with its flabby support, the Ne%osyn\h its 

acid rebukes. 
FiTc flomm^ oolumns of GLAD8T0NS*g, or four of the 

tip-tOted Duke's. 
Then, there 'a Salisbubt's hitches to clear, or put a 

plauhible ifloss 
On a btii.nibl£! of goody SlAFFOBD, a blunder of bouncing 

Until— oh r fickle inidge-Bwarm I— the Mob has its idol 

deserted , 
By Midloiluaii^B unctuous mouthing confounded — they 

call it oonyerted. 
They flock at Will's heels in procession, and he goes 

smiling and smart. 
With the fumes of applaufe in his head— and my epigram 

fast in his heart. 
Bang goes the big Wnijr drum, rootle the Radical M^-^ 
Oh, Jlura popularii I me ficSowest humbug in life I 

But here there is '* holy calm." No echoes of hot debate 
Come on the breeze, no sense of the thankless burden of 

As a weary, weafy Statesman his lazy length reclines 
On a peacepu pri|mt>se bank, all under the scented pines I 
The town i« a Lorror to think of I The Country for me, 

not the City I 
Statesmen can seldom be choosers of holidays— more 's 

the pity I 
Look I two-and-two fly the linnets, and there strut a 

couple of thrushes. 
And was that a water-wagtail that wheeled there oyer 

the rushes P 
How rosily down in the sun-glint the apple-blossom 

blushes I 
Ah, yes, this is pleasanter far than St Stephen's 

clamours and crushes. 
TriU-trtU-triU ! goes the lark I Pheu-pheu / that 's the 

blackbird's ffle I 
Oh, a day in the Hughenden woods,— there is no such 

pleasure in life I 

{By a BUputUd Oontervative,) 

Ok€B we nsed to hear of a Caucasian policy. TSovr it 
ii a Gaoonnan policy which seems to be in yogue. 

▲ auBsnoN OF the day. 

Talk about the difference between an Amateur and a 
Professional Champion I Which do you call the * ' Cham- 
pion Bill Poster " f 

Vatiwkal Omjttbvb Nqtxce.- 
be Paid For. 

-Woolwich Infants Must 

I 214 


[Mat 8, 1880. 



which hj often dandngr from lilk grew wonted yet remained the same stookingfl. 

If there be a body in whioh rarliament may be presumed to be qninteMentialifled, it 
ihoold be Mr. Spsakieb. If there be one part of Mr. Speaxbb's subfltanoe or aoddents in 
which his qnintessenoe may be rappoeed to be concentrated, it ahonld be his wig. When 
the House of Commons met this day, it had no Speaker. And when, in one act, the old 
Speaker was named, and a Brand New one chosen, he had no wig. It is hardly oonoeiyable, 
perhaps, how, under these conditions, there can be any Essence of Parliament. 

But, at least, the House of Lords met— as a House of Lords and Ladies— and we had a 
forecast of blessings to come, perhaps, hereafter, in the Lower House, in the spectacle of an 
Upper House with twenty Peers' Ladies, at least, to twenty* Peers. The House looked all the 
prettier for its intermixture of sexes, the Ladies of creation being more ornamental than its 
Lords, particularly when five of them are arrayed in the fearful and wonderful costume of 
Lords Commissioners, scarlet robes cut in the taste of Gsobgb thb Foubth, surmounted by 
oooked-hats in the f aishion of the Regency crowning the yenerable brows of Lord Chancellor 
SxLBOBNX, the Uadallvk Mokb, the Earl G&AismLLB, the Earl of Nosihbboox, and Lord 


Mt Lords and Ladies— beg pardon, my Ladies and Lords— met, my Lords ComndssiQners 
seated in front of the Throne, and the Speakerless Commons— sheep witnout a shepherd— duly 
whipped in at the heels of Mat, not by bright flowers, as might seem appropnate to suon 
leacBng, but by Black Bod, the Royal Commission opening this the Tenth Parliament of Her 
Majistt's reign was read, and my Lords Commissioners informed HxR Majistt's LOTds and 
Commons, that Hxb Majbbtt would, so soon as Membws of both Houses had been 

sworn, '* declare the causes of her calling 
this Parliament," (somewhat superfluous, 
methinks). ** M.eanwhile, do you, Gentle- 
men of the House of Commons, repair to the 
place where you are to sit, and cinoose tou 
some proper person to be your Speaker.'' 

Whereupon Black Bod whipped out Com- 
mons, this time not at the heels, but dose in 
the front, of Mat, it being the 29th of ApriL 

Then mv Lords Commissioners retired to 
disrobe, the Lord Chancellor ascended the 
Woolsack, Garter King -at -Arms pre- 
sented the Roll of the Lords Temporal,— 
upper-crust, of course, uppermost,— and, 
my Lords b^an to swear— a thixig they sel- 
dom do in that decorous Chamber. Con- 
sidering the complexion of the new House 
of Commons, their Lordships, as Conserya- 
tives, may be pardoned for swearing. 
^ But it was the first night of the Kew Par- 
liament. Time brings about its revenges 
in this Olympian abode too, where things 
change not with the changing times. Even 
lordly heads ** alter, as they alteration find," 
and the Peers' Ministerial Bench reoeives 
new tenants. 

Punch bids them welcome, and wishes 
them a good time. 

Then to our faithful Commons— as yet 
inchoate and incoherent, limp, and geUtm- 
ous— like a lobster that has just changed its 
shell, and has not put on new hardness. 
Pretty, as Mr. Pepts would say, to see Mem- 
bers changing their sides, and looking about 
for new perches, Methought the difficult 
of finding seats was over. Tet here it is 
again. Some evidently at a loss— some ready 
to slip in anywhere. The liberals in a 
difficulty, having more Members than seats. 
The Conservatives uneasy, with seats to let, 
and no Members to take them. Home- 
Rulers divided. Shaw*s brigade took up a 
strong position on the Ministerial side. The 
Member for Meath's tail coiled itself away 
amonff the Conservatives, who evidently 
shrank from the contact. Will they christen 
the intruders '* Pabnxll's Hermito " ? 

The choice of a Speaker is the first Act of 
Commons' re-incarnation; and there was no 
question as to the re-election of the Right 
Honourable HenbtBraio)— the right Brand 
all agree, one not to be imnroved upon I 

The Gladstonian breadth of Sir Thoxas 
Dtks Aclakd proposed^ and the cultured 
and venerable Conservatism of Sir Philip 
Di Malpas GBBT-EexRTOir seconded him. 
It is the cheese that two weighty County 
Members— a Liberal and Tory— should join 
in this act Sir Thomas is best Devonshire: 
and Sir Phiup is eminently the cheese, old 
Cheshire of the richest, choices^ and 
soundest quality. No voice was raised in 
opposition. Mr. Brahd humbly submitted 
himBelt to the pleasure of the House. Mr. 
0*DoNN£LL save him the blessing of **a 
third pa.rty.'^ May that third narty's 
deiiliitgg with the Spiaxbs be conmied to 
int^rchant^ of blessings I And Lord F. 
Ci.VK> DisLi, in the absence of the heads of 
H^ Majesty's Government, and Sir Siaf- 
FOBD Nobthcotx, in his new character of 
the head of Her Majesty's Opposition, in 
which he came up smiling, joined fraternal 
hands in blessing over the head of the 
Brand-new-old Spxakxr. May his shadow 
never be greater. For last night there was 
no shadow at aU; all was sunlight and 
eoul&ur de rote, 

^ May this first nighfs harmony be auspi- 
dous— the inauguration of a harmonious 
Session, in which the Jingo shall lie down 
with the Cosfliopolite, and the Oranffe-man 
shall play widi the Home-Ruler's wniskers 
and daws. 

JWtfay.— Her Majwtt, by Royal Com- 
missbn, put the Seal of her Royal Commis- 

Mat 8, 1880.] 



sion on Mr. Spbaxsb, who attended and 
reoeived the Boyal Benediction, and claimed 
the ancient and ondouhted rights and 
priyileges of the Commont. 

These Her Majbstt, by the Lobd Chak- 
ciELLOR, confirmed. 

Then the Commons retired, Mr. Spsaxbb 
leading his flock^ like an Eastern shepherd. 

Then, to my Lords swearing, enter Lord 
Beaconsfield ; and, falling into the humour 
of it, swore too. 

« So they 're all swearing, swear, swear, 

They're all swearing, in the Lords' House 

at Home ! " 

Lord Beacohsfixu) was obserred to shake 
hands with Lord Sslboenx with special 
cordialiW. So in the good old days of the 
P. B. the fighting men used always to 
shake hands before setting to. 

(Commont.)— Met at two, to present theb 
new Speaker to the Lords. And then when 
they came back, having, we suppose, caught 
the trick from the Upper House, the Com- 
mons began to swear, and were still swear- 
ing when Punch last heard of them I 


{A Bomanee of the LaUH Mimsterial 

The crisis had arriyed. Lord Haet- 
iNGTOir had called upon Lord Geaktille, 
Sir WiLLiAX HASCOirBT had yisited Mr. 
Bright, and Mr. Foestee had waited upon 
the Duke of Aegtxl. The Earl of Noeth- 
BEOOK had been in frequent communication 
with Mr. Ohildebs, and Lord Wolyeeton 
had been here, there, and everywhere. But, 
of course, t?ie centre of attraction was the 
" lon^ unloyely street," in which the new 
Premier was doing his utmost to entertain 
right worthily a swift succession of Boyal 
Messengers from "Windsor. Day and night 
the desirable family mansion was watched 
by an enthusiastic crowd, who cheered every 
fresh arrival, every new departure. 

As night approached the patient throng 
eagerly purchased the early editions of the 
eveninj; papers, and then first it was that 
a sentiment of surprise, not to say of dis- 
appointment, might have been felt to cir- 
culate through the crowd. It had been 
observed that amongst the many distin- 

Siished personages seeking admittance to 
e private residence of the Premier Elect, 
had been a youth whose features were un- 
known to fame. This young person^ with 
all the fire, energy, and determination of 
early manhood, had been seen morning, 
noon, and night on the door-steps. Now 
he had followed liord Habtdi OTOir into the 
hall ; then he had been ushered in almost 
arm-in-arm with Lord Wolveetok ; and 
he had constituted himself a Volunteer 
Member of the suite of the Duke of Aegtix. 
"WhowasheP What had he come for ? " 
were the questions muttered by the im^- 
tient crowd; and the evening papers, in- 
stead of satufying the natund curiositsr of 
the public, had provokingly ignored him. 
They were silent about his claims to a Par- 
liamentary Under-Secretaryship ; they did 
not even reveal his name. 

'*Here again?" annily exclaimed the 
faithful hall-porter, as this persistent youth 
I>resented himself for at least the twentieth 
time at the Harley Street portals. 

**Te^andIteUyouI must see him I" 
returned the intruder, with gentle but 
persistent firmness. *' I am come upon a 
matter, as I may say, of life and death. 
You can put me somewhere, until he is 
ready to see me. I can wait." 


^Arry, "Phew I"— {^A« weather vfos warm, and they had walked oner from 'AmmersmUK^ 
'^BEino us A Bottle o' Champagne, Waitee." 

Waiter. "Yessie— Dbt, SieI" 

*Arry doughtily, to put a stop to this famUiarity at once), " Nbvbe tov mind whbthbb 
WE 'bjb Det oe whbthbe we ain't I — ^beino the Wine 1 " 

'* Put you somewhere P '' repeated the door-opener^ in a tone of impatience. '* Where can 
I imt you ? The house is quite fulL The Duke is in the dining-room having a late lunch ; 
Lord HABTDrGTON is taking tea in the drawing-room ; Lord WoLVEETOir is discussing a 
sandwich in the study ; and the Royal Messenger from Windsor is ** 

But before the sentence oould be finished, the youn^ visitor had darted away up a stair- 
recent exertion. 

CalT it not intrusioii. Bight Honourable 6ir I " exclaimed the youth, bowing to the 
ground. " The result of my visit will be of immense benefit to the human raoe." 

"You are not the representative of an oppressed nationalitvP" said the Premier, 
glancing at his interviewer's weli-brushed hat and well-cut clothes with admiration not 


[Mat 8, 1880. 


Oft riming frcm lAe Hutdn^ the Thompsmsjlnd th^ir Eouaemaid in ^eat didrtsSf wUh %tr Arvt 

houTid up in htr Apron. 

Mrs. Thrnnpson. "What is TB« hatticii, Ank I HAre Toa hubt TO mi Hani> I '* 

Ann. ** W-w-w-wotiaB tr4K that, Ma'am I " 

Mr.^, Thompson. *' Not BttOKUt yoiir Aem, ! T&rsT f ** 

Ann. '* W-w-woR«« TOAJf that J " 

Mrs, Thompson, ** Good Hkavbks 1—wsat ih it f *' 

Cof^k. *' Thk FAOt t». Ma* AM, THK fllLLT QlBl. BA« BSUT TETIB' OK YOUE H«W BrAO^LST, ANt> 
NOM* OF US Knows HOW TO GkT IT OfF AQ4JN 1 ** 


To re-arrangre Easter. 

To reyolutionise the BpeUing of the 
English Langnage. 

To retrulate and control the passion 
for Athleticism, and to settle a uni- 
form oode of laws for Athletic Sports. 

To grapple with the mnltiform 
miseries, vexations, and difficulties 
which now beset the relations be- 
tween Master and Mistress and 
Domestic Servants. 
^To satisfy all the parties concerned 
in the great question of Stores v. Shops. 

To put down Intoxication. 

To lighten the labours of Rural 
Postmen by authorising the Treasury 
to supplv them with Bicycles out oi 
the Public Funds. 

To reduce the National Debt (after 
a while) to an inconsiderable amount. 

To abolish the Income-Tax. 

To bring down the Price of But- 
ohers'-Meat, Fish, Poultry, and other 
articles of daily oonsumption. 

To encourage the Manufacture of 
Irish Ponlin. 

To reduce the Estimates several 
Millions yearly. 

To subbidise the Coffee Taverns. 

To perfect electric lighting. 

To throw open Linooln^s Inn Fields. 

To stay the erection of a oertain 
statue in Westminster Abbey. 

To prevent trichinosis in pork. 

To appoint a Commission of In- 
quiry into Artists' pigments. 

To free St. Paul's, and open the 
National Gallery all the year round. 

To make deceased wives' sisters 

Besides such simple affairs as Ex- 
tension of the County Franchise, Re- 
distribution of Seats, Government of 
London, Local Taxation, Foreign 
Affairs, Finance, Ballot Laws, Bank- 
ruptcy Laws, Burial Laws, Game 
Laws, Liquor Laws, and the pacifi- 
cation and contentment of Ireland. 

An ABAin>05SD Teetotallbr.— 
A Bohe(a)mian. 

unmixed with curiositf. "Ton have iU>t the appearance of a 
Bulgarian or a Greek P *' 

" You go to Downintr Street P " the young man asked abruptly. 

'*The news is public property/' affably replied the First Lord 
of the Treasury. ** At the same tune I would not advise you, speak- 
ing conscientiously and with that profound sense of earnest respon- 
sibility which becomes a man, no less than a Minister, to base 
upon that fact any hope of preferment The Cabinet is complete, 
and it would be impossible to offer you '' 

" He <ioe$ go to Downing Street I '' murmured the youth in a tone 
of ecstasy, ere he continued, "but you had looked forward to a 
happy life in this noble, this desirable family mansion for many 
months — ^perchance years P " 

"Certainly the change of residence— so sudden and nnetpeoted— 
comes upon me with the effect of a surprise," admitted the Chancellor 
of the Exchequer with a smile. " Aiid now I must pray of you to 
withdraw. The Royal Messenger from Windsor has a q^eoial daim 
upon my leisure." 

"But one word," persisted the youth, positively shivering with 
excitement; "you will not leave these well-proportioned walls to 
solitude P This house must not become a desert I '' 

" Sir I " returned the Statesman, with hauteur, "my domestic 
arrangements are still incomplete." 

'* Then make me supremely happy," cried the youth, falling upon 
his knees, ** grant me a boon I " 

" A boon I '' exclaimed the astonished Premier. " Who are you, 
Sir. and what do you want P " 

* It is my mission to find homes for those who seek them, tempo- 
rary or permanent, by the season or the year, or even the term of 

years. In a word, I am a house-agent. May I be permitted to put 
thia magnificently appointed mansion upon our books P " 

A few minutes later the young man was hunving down Harley 
Street in a condition of the wildest excitement. It was noticed, by 
those who observed him, that his eyes were full of grateful tears, 
and that his face was lighted up with an expression of happiness 
almost beyond humanity. 

The Hardly-used Kelt. 

IvsPiBED by tenderness towards living things. Correspondents of 
the Times have been complaining that anglers in the Dee, the 
Tweed and other Scotch Salmon Rivers, for the purpose of landing 
the Kelts they catch, employ the painful method of ^* gaffing," that 
is, clicking them with a sharp hook. Angling may perhaps be so 
practised as to deserve the name of ",the gentle craft,'' although in 
the hands of fishermen accustomed to gaff Kelts it seems but a rough- 
ish sport. Gaffing is, certainly, a practice which somewhat reminds 
us of what Yuelgil's Prophetess saw in the infernal regions— 

** Vidi et crudeles dantem Salmonea poBnaa." 
Still, if it be the only way to keep a hold on your Kelt when you have 
caught him, your Kelt may be excused ; yet we should be sorry to 
oome to it in Ireland. 


Mr. Adau has been reinstalled in his former office, the First 
Commissionership of Works. Adav's friends may now oonfijatulate 
Adam on his restoration to his official Paradise in Whitehall Place. 

' To 08aBMwai»uB.»3K« BUtor dom %ai hold hiMMffhwMd U mebtawUdat, rttmm^ mt r^fmt Omtrtftitfwiw. M ii« mm com thm b€ ntrnntd uiUm mmtmpmHUd 6f • 


Mat 15, 1880,] 




The Doctcr^s Daughter. ** Janst* abi jov iriYSE QomQ TO iMky^ otf tqat 


Aged Villager. " WVLL, )CiM, I 'v» wore it fou Thibtf Ybabb, A|rp the 
Vicar satb I ma^t be took ant Hour I " 


^(TBTC^ has reoeived the fi^owing direct from Eussia. 
1^ is too grreat a enriosity in its way not to be published 
perhatim et Uteratim, not as a specimen of international 
courtesy in the wind, but as a sample of Buss dealing 
with tbe &iglish langnafe :— 

'*Ai the Sedaetumpf 'limch.' 

MXhey informe in many letters of supposed journey His 
Honours Lord BicoNSYiiiLD in all metropolis of principal 
oountrj in Europa. If His Honour also in ICoeoow will oome, 
the Hosoow's patriots hare a ' ceremonial * of Her adrent pre- 
pared, that they lent you vord for word. 

^Moseo^t AprU 18-30^, 1880. 

<^ pompous adyent His Honour's the before prime Minister of 
tTmted Kingdom's England, Scotland and Ireland and Indian 
Empire, Due <^ Cyprus, marquis of Transvaal, count of Afghan- 
istan, a baptised jew's Bbitjamik Dizbabli in primitlTe 
metropoUs of fiusuan Empire, Moscow. 

<* 1. When the train will approach to the raUway-station, they 
ooQgratuIate His Honour with nissings. 

'*2. When His Honour will lass the wagon all the people 
begin to spit, turn her backs and continued to hiss. 

** 3. When His Honour take place in the carriage, that to follow 
ffOBL the railway-station to hotel, who wisched can to make the 

honour to His adyent strewing insted flowers with dead 

body of rats, putrid eggs, rotten spies, the pieoes of breaked 
utensils, eto. sad all the people congratulate His Honour with 

** 4. The rule 3 most be rigidly executed every time when His 
Honour will go about Moscow's streets. 

*' 5. When His Honour will go to sleep, then for windows Her 
hotel must to meet all the workmans of Moscow's butoher's market 
(Okhotny Riad) and all the people who wish with her woman and 
children and begin to congratulate His Honour with the concert 
of saucepans, k^es, copper scales eto. From time to time all 
people must to cry, to break the yessel and utensil to make all 
possibility to noise till morning. 

*'6. Before the starting His Honour from Moscow most be 
executed the rules 1 and 2 of this ceremonial." 


Tory Brewer. The Conservatives are showing their 
mettle at Oxford. 

Liberal Do. Tee— base metal— though with the Hall- 
nmrk on it. 


Mb. Puif ch, Snt, 

Although we, most of us, pretty generally well understand that 
Civilisation has been of late years oonsidctraDle on the Advance in 
Japan, the British Industrious classes ain't, p'raps, quite altogether 
fully aware of the lenstii our Japanee brethren has gone ahead of 
ourselves in the steps of Progress. A Japanese newspaper, the Tokio 
Times, informs them it may concern as how — 

** Here is a vast City, containing a million of inhabitants, all peculiarly 
exposed to the extreme hasards of fire, and without a solitary steam-machine 
in use or existence— with hardly an efficient hand-engine at command." 

Now. if I was a readin the Above out in Company, of course 
there 'd be a Laugh, and cry oi ** Ha ! ha I is that what you call 
Japanee progress r " But I should say just you wait and ear what 
foUowB :— 

**It is an historical fsot that during a conflagration in 1873, a steam- 
engine, brourht to Japan on speculation, was put into operation with a 
success that wowed how easily a dozen such could keep the City permanentiy 
free from peril." 

So there, you see it ain't for want of noUidffe the Tokio people 
remains unpervided witii steam fire-engines, ao ; but read en, 
and see, and mark, learn and innerdly disgust the reason why. 

*' In less than a week after the triumph upon which he had been yainly 
congratulatiDe himself^ the exhibitor found it desirable to leaye the capital 
with his machine, which was straightway re-shipped to America. The ex- 
periment has neyer been repeated, and why P Because the firemen will not 
allow it. There is no other answer, and none is offered." 

No : nor none Wanted. The firemen gete their livin by the fires. 
It's their work. Steam fire-engines would make short work of it. 
The Shorter the work the Smaller the Pay. Very weU, then. 
Wot's the Firemen to do? Wy, to be sure, make the Land they 
lives in too Ot to old Speculators bringing fire-machines to take 
the Bread out of their mouths. And that they dooes j and 'tis the 
fact of their doin of it without bein Habel to he Punisht for usin 

the Necessairy Means, as I considers the Japanees' Point of Ad- 
wancement in Social Progress. The Tokio ISmee, is, no doubt, an 
Orran of Cappital a^ Labur, as it winds up with the foUowin 
Aroitravy and Tiranical observation : — 

** Until the Firemen of Tokio are disbanded, their organisation broken, and 
their leaders rendered incapable of further conspiracies against the security 
of tiie community at large, no genuine protection will be possible." 

Tee, it will. Genuine Protection will be perfectly possible. 
Protcwt tiie Workin Men. Iliat's jgenuine Protection. Pay the 
Firemen enough to make it worth their while usin steam fire-engines 
so as to put fires out as soon as Possible and prewent 'em spread- 
ing. Pay 'em as I once heer'd a proposal to pay Doctors &t the 
disease and Damage they saves you from, and not according to so 
many Yisite they pays you, and the Lot of Fizzick they makes you 
swoller. Pay 'em for Results. Japan ham't yet got to that PoUsh. But 
no more ain^t we. More 's the Pi^. Sir, I don't suppose you 'U exactly 
approove of all the Foregoin Comumcation | but p'raps you won't 
deny but wot there 's somethink in some on it— leastways the latter 
Potion— which, therefore, I remain, yours Bespeckfully, a Consistent 
Member of the Amalgamated Plummers and Glaziers' Union, at 
your Servis to command, and my name it is "Whl : PurmiAir. 

p.g. — By the Way, 'ow about the amount of prowision the 
Metropolitan Board of Works allows to the Widders and Orfans 
of sitch Firemen as loses their Lives in the Preformance of 
their Dooty Y It shouldn't be no mean Pityance, but the Ansomer 
the Better, with a view to Secure the Community at large Genuine 
Protection from Fire. 

The Futubb nr all its Moods of HuHAinTABiAiasic (Fine 
Proepect for a Be forming Liberal Jf<q;or»^i^).— Positivism, Teeto- 
talism, Yegetarianism, Socialism, Communism, Fraternity,,. Free 
Love, and^PhoneticSpelling. ^^ — 


Mat 16, 1880.] 





^1** ni^ 

» i,\^ 


Mb. AuoAifDXB BiBE8?0BD HoPB has Bupnlied ns with a piotore 
of Parliament this mek as a ** Half-hati^ed Chiok." " Easenoe of 
Half-haMied Chiok'' is not a pleasant idea. But Essenoe of Over- 
hatohed Chiok is worse. That is the essenoe whioh, in old times, 
used to he freelv hestowed on onlprits in the pillory, and is even 
now. oooaaionallT, administered to unpopular oanoidates on the 
platform. At aU events, the Half-hatohed Chiok has heen heard 
ehirpinff this week, if not to mnoh purpose. 

On Monday, May 3, the Peers met in what seems, just now, their 
nonnal eharaoter, as a Corps of Royal Commissionnaires and Com- 
nons-EeeDen. to proolaim a Reoess for the provision of new pegs 
for the omoial holes in the Lower HoubOi square for ronnd. and 
vice versSL as the ease may be. Till thes# holes are stopped, the 
yeisel of the State being Tmseaworthy, my Lords will sit aboard her, 
in harbonr, as Highest Court of the Realm, for declaring law, but 
Bflt aaventore^ on the high seas, as Highest Branch of the Legida- 
tnze lor enacting it. 

(CMfiiiioiM.)--To Members merrily swearing enter Mr. BEADLAndH, 

and asks leave to say instead of swear, " as a person bv law permitted 
to make a solemn affirmation or declaration instead of an oath.'' 
{Tableau ! Seneation / Cfurtain ! Exit M&. Beadlauoh for 
the rest of the Act. 

Mr. Beadlaugh being a legal XJlf sees, conversant with the minds 
and manners of man]^ courts and judges, says he has many times, 
since 1870, been admitted to affirm instead of swearing. He asks 
Mr. Spsakxr's leave to do so in the House of Law as in the Courts 
of Justice* 

Mr. Bpxaksb having his doubts.handed them over to the House. 

Lord F. Cavxitdish, treading in the path of Parliamentary Pro- 
cedure, whioh^ 

•• slowly broadens down 
From Preoedent to Precedent." 

as the Laureate has said or sung, moved that the House, following the 
tracks left in the times (d Quaker Peasx and Hebrew Rothschild, 
should appoint a Select Committee to sit on Mr. Bbablauqh's case. 



[Mat 16, 1880. 


Master Freddy (from Eton), " What lotb o» Enmqt tou 'tk got, GrakdpapA I " 

Oramdpapa, ♦• Pretty wxll* my Boy, fob my Timb of Lifb." 

Master Freddy (languidly). ** Oh, but Bnbbot'b •uoh awf'ly Bad Form, you know I " 

Sir Stafford Northcotb seconded the Motion. 

Mr. Whitbrbad weightily reminded the Honae that it was dealing with a weighty matter, 
which might affect the tenure of more than a seat in that Honae, e.^., a seat on the Woolsack. 

Mr. Grboory felt a scmple .whether this mixin|f up of questions as to Legal and Parlia- 
mentary Oaths and Affirmations might not somehow bring the House within whiff and wind 
of the Law Courts, to which, as an attorney— we beg pardon— a family solicitor, he may be 
presumed to have an objection. 

Earl Pbrct, as representatiye of the high lineag[e of the Smithsons, and Sir H. Wolff, 
as representatiTe of the still higher lineage of the Children of Israel, haying a natural ayersion 
to the Proletarian and Latitudinarian representatiye of the Northampton sutars, who haye 
soared so far beyond their last, in their present, representatiyes, moyed and seconded the 
adjournment of the House, at least till they could see tiie Motion in black and white, and 
discoyer whether they Uked it any better in print than in Lord Frbdbrick's mouth and the 
Clerk at the Table's Manuscript. 

Sir C. DiLKB and Mr. Walpole deprecated delay, in the teeth of Wolff. 

Mr. Bbrbsford Hopb said the House was only a half-hatched chicken, so had no right 
to be wholly chicken-hearted, though a mine had been sprung upon it. 

^ Whereupon the Percy and the Wolff haying done tneir utmost to diyide the House, and 
failed, let their Motion be negatiyed without a diyision, and the House set to again lor a 
"good swear." Then, by '''^7 of 8:etting Bradlavgh off the brain, seyeral Orders were 
agreed to, seyeral new Writs were issued for seats emptied by Office, and two for seats 
emptied by death ; and Notices of Motion were giyen— 

By Sir H. Driticmohd Wolff— second cry of Wol^ this Sesrfon— to call attention to our 
Treaty obligations towards Turkey. 

By Mr. MoROAir Lloyd, for a Bill to Prevent Cany^Lssing. (My dear MoROAiT Lloyd, 
don't you with you may get it P) ; 

By Mr. McIyBR, to (hJI attention to the operation of Free Tnde on Manuf acturies aid 
Agriculture in Ireland, and to moye a Basolution. (What can moye Mr. McIybr's Resolution, 
who has still the courage of his belief in Protection ?) ; 

And by Sir Wilfrid, to moye a Besolution in f ayour of Local Option. 

In shorter words, enter three M.P.'s on three hobby-horses— Mtoane, pran^ani ! 

N.B.— Mr. MoB^Air Lloyd's is fto^ 4 hobby-horse, but a Welsh p<my, a yery different 
animal, though as little likely to come to the halfway-house on the road to Purity of Election, 

with the sign of '*No Canyass," as the 
yeriest hobby-horse that was eyer trotted 
out on the W estminster Course. 

Wednesday.—liLat^ parading of hobby- 
horses. Mr. CHAPLnr on Agricultural Hold- 
ings ; Mr. Plimsoll, on G^rain Cargoes ; 
and Mr. Richard, on Disarmament. 

The animals were not much admired, and 
their well-known points did not call for 
much remark— or. at least, did not proyoke 
any beyond the familiar, **Ah! the old 

A squabble oyer the nomination of the 
Bradlaugh Committee, of which Lord R. 
GROSYEiroR brought down a list including 
all shades of opinion and legal lore, from 
the mild wisdom of Walpolb to the per- 
feryid genius of Chapuit, and from the 
ponderous erudition of Holxbr to the legal 
liyeliness of Hopwood, and all insredients 
Qi British blood, from the solid John Bull- 
it-headedness of Massby, to the Welsh 
warmth of Watkih Williaxs, and the 
Irish fire of Captain Nolak. 

On Monday more names, said Ixwd 
Richard, would be added, if their bearers 
were by that time housed, as it was to be 
honed they would be. 

Sir H. D. Wolff, as champion of orUio- 
doxy, had opened the ball, or rather the 
fire, by announcing his intention of opposinff 
the nomination of the Committee when ana 
by whomsoeyer moyed. 

Hereupon a liyely little teacup-tempest 
was stirred up oyer the question whether a 
Motion could DC made to add names without 
notice of names giyen ; Messrs. Gorst and 
Callan, RiTCHiBand McCullaghTorbevs, 
bringing their small tea-spoons to Sir H. 
DBvmcoND Wolff's big nayy ditto. 

The Spbaexr being referred to, said no 
doubt the rule was that Notice of Names 
should be giyen, but the House might dis- 
pense with it ; and Lord F. CAyEKDiSH, as 
neus ex machindj suggested that Lord 
Richard had better keep his Notioe of 
Names till Monday, and moye the Com- 
mittee the da^ after. 

Here is a mighty craning at an imaginary 
fence. It is a mere cry of "Wolff" — ^not 
serious. The House has swallowed too 
many cameb, Quakers and Separatists. 
Morayians and Jews, Latitudinanans, and 
Platitudinarians^ Unitarians and Humani- 
tarians, Anythingarians, and Nothing- 
arians, to be now straining oyer such 
a gnat as poor Mr. Bradlauoh, natural 
representatiye of the Northampton Shoe- 
makers, who object to the Immortality of 
the Sole, and spell the word indifferently 
with and without a *' u" and an '* e." 

The time has surely passed when the 
House should seek shelter against obiection- 
able beliefs or unbeliefs behind such delu- 
siye defences as oaths and testa. " Let the 
swearers swear^ and the sayers say/^the 
Law has proclaimed, for all Courts. Why, 
then, not for the High Court of Parliament 
^the Court of Courts— the yery conduit 
lUid fouiitain-head of Law P 

Let us hope that tbe Commons' Committee 
will be enaUed so to report, and thus allo# 
the troubled Wolff to lie down with thftt 
brace of little ewe lambs— Bradlahqh and 
Labouchbrb I It is surely enough that 
Northampton has made a Member of Mr. 
B&aDlauoh. without the House inakin^ a 
martyr of him— and, as such, a mudi iii(n^ 
t>romnent And important persoii. 


How to get the most good dtit of tho Ni^ 
ParlULment Ptit it on Peace- Worlt. 

ALav iTj. ititiO.j 




BEcoiD Visit* 
(^(f "Pnmtti Fifw,'' of the M, A. ?Wunieer Corp$,) 

lf<>.4. The Dean' a Daugh- 
ter. G. F. Watts. R.i» 
WMch of i>«dnV aaugh- 
Uti ? -^e Of J^annte f 
ObBcrve the back ground. 
Probably a valuable picture 
to wtmeoody. but it migbt 
be Bold in Ajnenca for a 
** fiToenback*" 

No* 11* Chnstophtir^ stm 
of r. ?r, -Br/^j Esq. Jameb 
BAifT, R,A. Little boy witb 
little liddJe, or a Cbrintopbep 
witb a Kit. *' Small wad 

No. li>. The Olim. Pbtlep 
H, C4tprai6ir» R,A* Gb-l 
with bajket of oliTei, look- 
ing very senotis. She baa 
evidently tried one, haying 
beard that it h **4^t€ an 
ac^iuired taste/' and the 
tagte abe hai acquired fihe 
doesn't like, TIub piotuie 
muBt be token just before 
ita companion NtimbeT^ 
which ia 

No. 25, 7'he Vint. PmLTP 
H*CAUiaaojr,R.A, Which 
naturally ffifllowa the OHvb* Happy thoujtht thii— the Vine, after 
pving- Hi the OUto as a^/Zp, Calderon. Very tnne pioturtj. Sir* 
No. 27, Mrs, Arthur Broadteood. G. E. Hicks. Semi-grand. 
No* 37, Old BouacB at Godalmxng, James E. Gbaci. 

*^Here NatuTfl KmiHiig shew* tbe wtaning Grace," 

Pretty place for a river-bank boHday, 

No* 39. The FiniMna Touch. W. F. Tbasles, R.A, Green* 
room atprivate theatricalH, in the Theatre Rojal Backdrawing-room, 
South Sensinffton (late Brompton)* The piece has been got-up 
eooQomieallyf as they ^ve evidently made their own dresBea, and have 
diflpoued With the flervioee of Nathait, the oofltumier, and Culee- 
BOF^ perruquier and ** maker- up." The tLnishinjr touch wanted h 
the '*one touch of Nature" whieh h not to be found among Amateura* 
What on earth is the piece they ^re playing ? 

No* 40* Children of a Larger Growth— <yr^ Elderly Babies build- 
ing- Caatlee in the Air with the contents of a BOiperior Box of Bricka, 
Frank: Dir-FTj^Eif, 

^li, ." ^, Tifuby Fkherwoman. W* P, FitiTH, R*A, Uneommonly 
fine prawns this momin|r» If this is a specimen of the Fisherwomea 
generally at Tenby ^ apartments for Bingle ^^ntlemen must bo at a 
premium* She has oaun-ht her prawnis, and now she 'a tiahing for 
compliments* Ten buy I tiftecn bujr I twenty buy \ anj number buy 
—but don't be oauRht, like the ehnrnpa. or you 11 get into hot wat-er. 

No. 65* Fnmilf/ A f taction, H. W. B, Davis, It. A* Much belter 
have called it " Animal Magnetism,** Charming effect of sunlight 
on Mr* DATis'a calf. 

No* 73, D^contented With Mer Lot. Thomas Faei>, R,A. 
Girl, in an evident iH- humour, with a kitten in her arma, which 
she ia imeonsoionsly tormenting* 

No, 87, LaUpiT Vh*rcK G, A, Btoest, A, ** I^te for Church ; 
or. So the Storey Goea>'' is the entire title* Thia represents a young 
I^y, tifst-couiin to little Swanadown, with anything hut a Common 
Prayer- Book under her arm, at the door of a ehnrcK, aa 1 suppose ; 
but wherever she may be bt^xind for, the book is evidently hound f^r 
church* Nutice the book-markerB : though she is iate^ her places 
are kept. My reading Df the Storey is that this ia the portrait of a 
Lady-Help, and ought to have been entitled *' Going into Service," 

No, 83. Plenty o/Btmn in the Stalh. WiXiiAM LoftsnAiL, [N.B, 
— The reader is particularly requcBted to carefully compare the title 
here jpven with the one m the Academy Guide ^ and then to etndy 
the piotnre closely and decide which is the more appropriate*] 

No, 63* Master WiiJi^ Gabrieiiu G. Garrieh-i* Do not for- 
get vour Gabrielle I " as they need to iin^ in " Viv^ Henri Quatre'^ 
in the j^ood old srleefol days of Etakb's* Notice the remarkable 
room, with remarkable perpendicular floor* Master Wellle is seated 
on a atool ; bnt what ia the stool on P On nothing^ for what should 
be carpet is part of the pTpendicukr wbU* So Willie 's on nothing, 
or niL Poor Willie Niliy f 

No. 102. Watching the Skittk - Platen. RoBBRT BASEamc 
Baowiri:!&, " Watohmg the Knife -and -Fork -Players," aa the 

portrait of this pig-headed Baconian philosopher ia just dose to the 
entrance into the refreshment department of the Academy— 
^^ Wbence, about midday, iji wafted ii fume,** 

as Simon the CeUarer sings. Pig and BEOWimia are as naturally 
associated as Pork and Crackling, 

No. 122. A DdighifuUy un-JSetfcmistinm Family Party: £>r, *Ms 
Metrif m Greggs.^' John Pbttxb, R,A, Of course these childreri 
are not Pettie d and spoilt* ** Take us as yon find us," said the 
I.pady to the Artist* ** We 're always in some attitude or other. It 
comes natural*" And he did so. 


"La Tramta. " is a pretty name for a pretty woman gone wrong* As 
the Italian title of iJie Ojpera tie edition of theyounger DtJMAS*s-&on*tf 
aux Cttmtiias^ it atanda ior about the most mawkish, unreal, nnwhole- 
aome piece of sickly sentimentality that haa ever been tranaplanttd 
from even the luxurious French-Stage- growth of «ncli vegetation to 
Engliiih boards. 

For ft long time the Ijord Chamberlain pnt his veto on any English 
Stage-version of the Dame aux CiimSlias^ If liis key had never 
been worse used than to shoot the bolt against such sickly and 
dekening rubbish, the British Public would have every right te 
be obliged to him. How Mr* HoETmnn's Heart' a Fas^t a version 
of this perilous stuffy came to be lioenaed— whether the I^ord Cham- 
berlain haa grown less squeamish ^ or the liritish Public less par- 
ticulai^we know not. But after seeing it as now acted, with 
Madame Modjeska in the part id Marguerite Gauikrt Punch <ism 
safely say that Madame Doche did nothing more with the part, 
to aocoimt for the furore that brought Paris to her feet, than 
doeii Madame Moi»jebka, a Polish perlormer, who* after crowning a 
natiife reputation as the beat actress of her own country with a 
wreath won in tie United States, now comes to ask for an En^liBb 
wreath to set beside her American one* The Press and PubUc of 
London have given her two ; and Punch now gives her another* 

Madame MonjKSKA is not only a consummate hut a charming 
actress, She 1ms all the reqtiired rcftonrcea of faoe and figirre* voice 
and action, and perfect Cfommand of them, with the unmiitakeable 
stamp of refinement and gotjd- breeding. She h old enough to be mis- 
treat of all her gifts, which no very young actress can be, and yet 
young enough to inveat any part she fjiaj-s with all feminine charms 
oif look, and voice, most musical even in its broken English, 

Bo much is certain already ; though this accomplisbed Artist has 
as yet had only one string to play upon^ and that a string which 
can give no true note, being out of tune with all truth of life 
and passion— at leant, as English folk feel it* But Madame 
MoDJEHiCA shows us how much a fine and finished actress can 
do to make even this diacordant string discourse sweet and delicate 

Pimch haa seen no woman's xwrfonnanc© of recent times. Miss 
Tkilev's excepted, showing sueh keenness of womanly sensibUitjr, 
such graoe, Jint^ise^ and feeling m Madame Modj