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VOL
CVIII
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LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET.
AND BOLD BT ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1895.
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LOKnoK :
BfcAOBVinrt ACNBW, fi^ CO. U>„ I'R1N\BRS» WHITBTBIAM.
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June 29, 1895.1
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
m
A Midsummer Day-dream, and Us waking Sequel.
IT was the luncheon-hour at Lord's. Likewise it was exceeding hot, and Mr. Punch, after an exciting morning's cricket,
was endeavouring to cool himself with an iced tankard, a puggreod *' straw," and a fragrant whiff.
" Willow the King ! " piped Mr. Pongh, pensively. " Quite eo ! A merrier monarch than the Second Charles is
WnjjAH (Gilbert) the very First t And no one kicks at King Willow, even in these democratic days. The verdant, smooth-
shaven lawn, when wickets are pitched, is your very host 'leveller' — ^in one sense, though, in another, what stylish Richard
Daft calls ' Kings of Oricket' (* hy merit raised to that good eminence*), Receive the crowd's loyal and most enthusiastic homage.
But, hy Jove, the Harrow hoys will want a new version of their favourite cricket song, if prodigy he piled on prodigy, like
Pelion on Ossa, in the fashion to which the Doctor during the first mon{h of Summer in this year of Grace has accustom^ us."
" The ' Doctor's' throne has never heen disputed hy anyone outside Bedlam," said a strong and sonorous voice. '
Mr. Punch looked up, and perceived before him a stalwart six-footer in flannels, broad-bulteJ at tlie equator, and
wearing broad-brim'd silken stove-pipe.
'* Alibbd Mtmn, quoting ' the Old Buffer,* or I 'm a Dutchman," said the omniscient and ever-ready one.
" < And, whatever f akne and gloty these and other bats may win,
Still the monaxoh of hard hitters, to my mind, was Alvrbd Mthv i
With hia tail and stately presenoe, with his nobly-moulded fonn,
His broad hand was ever open, his brave heart was ever wann * —
as Pbowsb sang pleasantly.**
The Kentish Titan blushed — if Shades can with modesty suffuse. *' You know everything, of course, Mr. Punch,"
said he ; '* and therefore you know that the object of my visit is nol to have my praises sung even by you or the Poet Pbowse,
but to back up that National Testimonial to 4^ Cricketer of the century — and the ' eenturies '—of which I 'm glad to hear
whispers in the Elysian Fields, where— alas ! — we do not pitch the stumps or chase the flying ' leathery duke ' of Harrow
song."
*' Welly it 's a far cry from Hambledon to Downend,*' quoth Mr. Punch, pensively ; " but even the gods of ' the
Hambledon Pantheon/ as picturesque John Ntben called them, might have admitted the Downend Doctor as their Jove.
Or, adopting his other figure, have made him the King Abthub of their Bound Table, vice old Richard Ntbbn retired."
** I see you read what is worth reading,*' responded the Kentish Big 'Un. " Dick Ntrbn's style was as sound and
honest and brisk as the English ale he lauded,-** barleycorn, such as would put the soul of three butchers into one weaver.*
But the great Gloucestershire gentleman is worthy to bend the bow of Ulysses."
'* Or to wear the pads of Alfred Mtnn, which, I believe, were presented to him,'* said Mr. Punoh, cordially.
'' Ah t There is another and a bigger Presentation afoot, I understand, thanks largely to a truly Gracious Prince,"
returned "the monarch of hard hitters.'* *« A knighthood ? Well, that *s as it may be! Quite deserved indeed; but a
m —rr. « " — : — : ^ ^ G-Z
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JuNB 29, 1895.
' King ' hardly needs the additioii of the lesser honour, and indeed W. G. won his spurs on the tented field years and years
agone. But a National Testimonial ! Faith, the Briton who grudges a subscription to that doesn't deserve to see a sixer run
out, or drink a flagon of genuine Boniface at the ' Bat and BaU ' on Broad Halfpenny. Only wish we old willow-wielders in
the Elysian Fields could contribute each our obelus. By Castor and PoUuz, here he oomes 1 "
Broad, bronzed, black-bearded, bear-pawed, bell-mouthed, beaming, in loose-cut flannels and M. 0. C. cap, the
redoubtable Doctor entered. Twas a sight to see those two six-foot-odders shake hands 1 And to hear the talk of the
Gricket Heroes of two generations^
***** *
' •* Hillo, Mr. Punch ! Wake up, old man ! Match over ! "
It was the veritable voice of the Gloucester Giant But where was the Pride of Kent ? He came like a shadow
in summer slumber, and so departed. But William Gilbert was at least satisfactorily solid.
" Where are the Bats of yester year ? " murmured the drowsy Sage.
" Oh, still scoring — some of 'em," said the practical smiter, cheerfully. " Keeping up a fair average, too.**
" What is yours just now, Doctor ? "
*' Oh, ask Dbucb ! His tops it, I believe — for the presient,"
*' Ah, well! But the Century of Centuries, the Thousand of Merry May, the suggested knighthood, the coming
National Testimonial, H. R. H.'s letter — — "
" I never saw a nicer letter, and I hope to see as good wherever I go,'* interrupted the modest and taciturn giant,
with a grin reminiscent of Wickets in the West and " the rapt oration flowing free," in a^ fourfold iteration of a single
sentence.
" Better before the stump than on it, eh, William?" smiled the Sage, who had read his rollicking R. A. Fitzqebald,
^.id understood W, G.'s allusion. " Unlike the other W. G., at present out in the Baltic."
" Ah, he could give the bowling beans, in his own way, which certainly isn't mine," said the Man of Many Centuries.
'* What a season ! *' exclaimed Mr. Punch, preparing to puff.
" Oenturies to right of us, I ** Oentorles all round as,
Centimes to left of us, | Volley and thunder 1
Mynn was here just now —in my vision. Wish you could have met him, as I dreamed you did ! Par nobile fratrum I
But even he never hit his hundred huudreds, though he played up to the age of fifty. Well, William mine, you 've topped
the toppers and cut all records. May the National Testimonial do likewise. Wish you a sovereign reward for every good
hit with which you 've pleased the populace — a ' quid ' for every quo. And, to prove the sincerity of my love and admi-
ration for the greatest Cricketer of all time, I propose, my dear (prospective) Sir William Gilbert Gbaoe, E.G. (Enight of
the Game), to head that same National 'testimonial with a contribution outshining and out summing all others, to wit my
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Janoabt 5,^1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART.
MR. PUNCH WELCOMES THE NEW YEAR.
Bo, 'Ninety-Five, my boy, you *ve oome at last !
Another year has gone, and I am here
To irreet you, as your brothers in the past
Were greeted on their ooming, year bv year ;
For it *8 always been my practice. Sir— a bit of Punches lore—
Sinoe the day that I was yolumed, until now I 'm fifty-four.
Aye, fifty-three New Tears I *ve welcomed. This
I pray to Heaven in its arms may bear
A whole New Tearful of a nation's bliss—
A world without a tear, without a care.
'Tis thus that I have niayed, yOun^ Sir, full many years before ;
But to know how oft 1 've prayed in vai
heart sore.
L vain, would make your young
The Tear that 's dead was better, sure, than some ;
But even he brought with him strikes and war,
Whose ghastly horrors smote the soft heart numb
And wrung and chilled it to the very core.
[Four,
ler 'Nmety-
'Twas a villainous attention, this suffering and gore.
That we 'd rather have dispensed with, from your brothi
But even he, my lad, a jest could work.
And on occasion smile, and nod, and beck ;
To England gave— a rising Son of Tork,
And gave to Ireland— Mr. Gladstove's cheque I
ThuH tickling Mr. Btjll from smiles and laughter to a roar.
But hearty laughs like these, my friend, were few in 'Ninety-Four.
And you, young shaver, what is it you bring P
Razor and soap, like Bhavers young and ohi —
The soap to soothe, razor to cut and sting ? —
Will wedding-beU be heard, and death-knell tolled P
Ton see, my lad, we 're anxious as to what you have in store,
For there 's still some things to put to rights bequeathtd by 'Ninety-
Four.
In Parliament, no doubt, you 'U make your game —
In Gamp, and Court, and County Coundl, tooP
TOL. cvin.
-w Aft tl .iBu/^
Make sport of love— make foul an honoured name —
And all the little fun you 're wont to do P
Well— take my tip. Just do your level best, remember ! For
The blame, my son, lies at your own, not Mr, Punches door.
So mind, young Sir, for Mr, Punches eve
Is cooked upon you through your little life.
Cho— rule the world !— and if before you die
Tou fill the earth with joy instead of strife,
Tou 'U be the first of all your race— tor all the smiles they wore —
That gave the country what she asked— from to '94 1
PROTEST FROM THE PLATGROUND.
DxAR Mb. Pcthch,— I know you sympathise with hoju, and isn't
it a jdly shame the masters set us such awfully hard questions in
exams. P My Report has lust come home^ and my Pater has given
me a fearful rowing, and all because it says ^^WiLKiirs Terts.
(that 's me) has done badly in Examinations, and does not take the
trouble to use what intelligence he possesses." My Pater threatens
not to take me to the Pantymime, and I hear it 's awfully beefy this
year ! Well, we had a *' History and General Knowledge" paper,
and one of the questions was this beastly one, and of course I
couldn't tackle it— "What, or where, are the following: — *Im-
perium in Imperio, The Korea, Bimetallism, The Grand Llama,
Balance of Power, and One Man One Vote P ' " I answered all right
about the Korea, because I kicked young Smith under the table to
give me a tip about it, and he said it was the book the Turks use in
church ; and I put that down, but all the other things floored me.
Please wiU you say what Bimetallism isP Jonss Jumor said after-
wards, in the playground, that it was a sort of lozenge, and RoBUfSOir
Senior said he didn't know what it was, but he knew his Pater was
a Bimetallist ; and Join» eaid Robinson Senior*s Pater must be
a Ck^nfeotioner then; and so Robinbov punched Johx8*s head; but
what M it P And is it fair to ask us boys such questions P My
Pater said at breakfast the School Board was fond of sending out
sirkulers. Do you think they would send one to our Head-master,
and ask him to stop such rot P ^^^ t
Tour obedient young friend ^^^ (^ -»^^JlPTCT I
e
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Jakuabt 5, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A VIEW HALLOO.
(Hawnds at foM.)
W\^ {ImsUvw vp io Tovng Hodge^ who ha» pull Ugw^ to waive M$ mp amd ting out lustily), " Now thin, whxbb is hi ? "
Towng H. " yondkb, Sib 1 Acomih' aoboss tondxb 1" fFh4p. *'Gkt out, why thbbs aik't no Fox thx&x, stoopid 1/'
Toung H. " No, Sib ; but thxbx bb oub Billt on t* Jaokiss 1 "
SPOET INCOUET;
Or, The Nno Year Dream of the National AiUi-Oambliiig
Leaguer.
Oh I it must have been the grog, for I dnmbered like a log,
And I dreamed—fucA a dream I I was holding forth in oonrt,
And the prisoners in the dock,— how the Sporting League 'twould
shook I—
Were the Prinoes, and the Nobles, and the Leading Lights of
SxKnrt.
A sapreme, snooeesfal raid on the Jockey; Club we 'd made.
No mere stuffy, sordid set, of poor betting-men thie time,
No oheap winner-spotting snobs, but a lot of topping nobs.
And Ihad them on the hip, and I charged the lot with Orimel
It was prime to see a Prinoe at my language flush and winoe.
And a Lord Chief Justioe squirm, and a stem-faoed Judge quite
I
But—1 could not fail to mark the demeanour of the Clerk,
Who looked on it a« a lark /—and that Beak upon the beneh-^
Ahl he had a misrhty** beak," which I felt a wish to tweak-
Had a wink in nis left eye which seemed frivolous, if funny ;
And he didn't seem to suit us, for we wished a stem-faced Bbtjtus ;
Nay, a ruthless Rhadamawthub were the big-wig for my money.
Ah I it wanted resolution to conduct that prosecution.
With a Prinoe and several Docks, and an Sari, a County Squire,
And a Mephistopheles, who sat lounging at his case.
Whom the culprits all called ** Jdcmt," and seemed hugely to
admire:
For although I ramped and raved, Beak and Prisoners behaved
Li a fasmon which seemed scornful, and assuredly was light ;
And that Clerk— confound his mug, which looked strangely like
ajpugl—
And the chap for the defence, with his eyes so brisk and bright,
lliey seemed all upon the grin, or almost, which was a sin,
And I*m sure I neard aI)ook whisper in a Judge*s ear,
*^ DonH old Mulberry Nose look funny t I will bet you any
money 1 —
Well, I missed the wager's point ; but oh, dear I oh dear I !
oh dear 1 1 1
Think of betting— in a Court I And I thundered a^rainst Sport,
Which meant Ghunbling, more or less, and red ruin, and disgrace.
From the girlE wKo, than^ they *re loves, wager wickedly— in gloves,
To the Plunger Peer wha shames his ancient race- to win a Kace.
Ab I I think I '\g-ave them beans." I'm uncertain what ^t means.
But the Ixird C^ef Justice whispered I was doing so— to ** Jm "—
And the phmse I overhead, and although it sounds absurd,
I felt it metmt a oompliment to me, compelled from him.
So I naid " Sport may iutri^ue and set up a rival League
To our hftly Anti-Gamblmg One ; but Sport is a Foul Sink
We have pleajred our^l^e* Ix) purge with a besom and a scourge **
But here thi&t Pimohi&ii eye indulged in a prodigious wink.
Such a spasm of sheer fun, that I felt the case was done ;
Court. Prisoners, Judfc, assumed the guise of a coloasal Joke I
My head appeared to swim, the wild vision did <ii«1inm^
And witn a shriek of bitter dis^ypointment I— awoke I
AireLO-LfDiAir."— We are indisposed to go the full len^ of
agreement with the learned Editors of ike New EngUeh Dietumary
in their study of the derivation of the objectionable word V
In the intereetinF extract ;^ou indose they remark : **The conjec-
ture that the worn is the Hindi dim, dawm, an ancient copper coin,
of which 1,600 went to a rupee (see Yulb), is ingenious, but ha« rm
baais in fact" That may be so. It is, nevertheless^ a ourious coin-
cidence that at the present time the steady dedension of the money
value of the rupee, combined with its immoveable rating in the salary
Hst, produces in the Civil Service and the army in India a state of
feeding subject to which at least 1^600 dams go to a rupee. We
much fear that, under this provocation, our army in India is able to
compete wilii repments earlier enrolled, who, you will remember,
** swore terriblv in Flanders."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Jantjabt 5, 1895.
^^^
COMBIHATIOH COSTTIMSS FOE.COVEHT GARDEN.
"THE TWENTY-FIRST OF DECEMBER I"
What vonbsnss tou do talk. How do tuv m akx that out ? "
** Why. ant Fool oould sbb that. The Shobtbst Dey and thk
I^NOBBT EnIOHT, OF G0UB8B 1 "
NEW TEAK NOTIONS.
{By tm Old Buier.Yli
** Thebb is nothing new nnder the son," someone tays ;
I wiah that there toamH. hy Jingo !
It seems to me everythitig^B New in these daysy
And nothing is gennine old stingo.
A New Poet tarns np about onoe a week
(Aooording to log-rolling nimonr) ;
And there 's the New Politios, all grab and sneak ;
And something dull dubbed the New Humour I
The New Art ; I 'm oertain it oomes from Old Niok,
It 's so diabolio and dirtr.
Faith I some of their Novelties make me feel fiok«
And most of them make me feel " shirty."
The New Tear I— well, that is as old as the hills.
The New Leaf —we annually turn it.
Ah I if the New Newness would banish Old His.
Not e*en an Old Fogey woul4 spurn it.
New Year, giye us books that are healthy and gay,
And Art tiiat 's not impish or ^[oeer, Sir !
And (f you 'U but oart the New Woman away,
You mil be a Happy New Year, Sir !
THE MODERN THEATRE LAUGH.
Dbab Mb. Punch,— I orave the hospitality of your oolumns
under the following droumstanoes. The other night I went to
a burlesque. Being a man of modest means, I oontented myself
with paying half -a-orown, for which sum I was able not only to
sit with tilie plebs in the pit, but to see Society in the stalls.
Will it be belieyed, at the end of this so-called nineteenth
century, that songs were sung and things were said which made
those eyerywhere around me laugh t &dder still, two-thirds of
t^hose I saw were women ! — ^women, who are our mothers and
sisters, when they are not our wiyes and sweethearts !
I hayenH the least notion where the harm in all this comes in,
but I'm confident there *s some somewhere. In any eyent it*8
a serious sign of the times; which reminds me that I should
haye sent this to the Times, if I had not thought the recent
Society-play correspondence sufficient for one season. I'm so
afraid the aear old Thunderer will drop the telegraphic news
and take to Telegraphic Correspondence.
In any case, I inyite letters on *' The Seriousness of
Laughter." Yours distressedly,
A Dl-TBI-STLLABIC PlTTITB.
[No letters on this subject will b« inserted. — ^Ed.]
NEW YEAR.
" Ring out, wild bells." We hope that you.
With *M that *s rung out,
WiU kindly ring out just a few
Of all those things entitled '* new"
Which plagued us till quite mad we grew
As mad as dog with tongue out.
Those noyelties ! The newest kind—
With turned up nose and weird, slee-
-py eyes, that told of yacant mind.
And monstrous chignon massed behind^
Were those appalling things designed
By Mr. Aubbet Bbabdslet.
YeSy '* things" ; for nought of human sha:>e,
Howeyer strangely bizarre.
Is there portrayed ; there 's not an ape,
That feeds on cocoa-nut or grape,
Between Morocco and the C&pe,
So hideous as these are.
For goodness* sake, don't let us see
New Art which courts disaster !
We much prefer to Mr. B.
Yelasqubz, Rbmbbandt, eyen P.
P. Rubens or Vandyke, for we
Like oldness in a master.
And then * * New Humour." Heayens, why
It 's but a pleasure killer !
A cause of weary yawn and sigh.
Which makes us almost lonr to ny
To those old jokes collected by
A certain Mr. Mlllbb.
In politios Newcastle, too.
With prosrramme was prophetic ;
And now Leeds leads, and shows who's
who.
The Grand Old Man — there's age for
you!—
Has found much better things to do,
Not prosy but poetic.
But all the things, so new in time«
Are nothing to the woman.
Who now is^ new," and seeks to dimb
To heights which seem to her sublime ;
(Excuse the execrable rhyme)
She is indeed a rum 'un.
Of course we know that youth is sweet ;
Old women are not charming ;
But no old woman we could meet,
With f eatless form and formless teet.
This wild New Woman now could beat.
She 's perfectly alarming.
Ring out, wild beUs^ wild belles like these
New-fangled fancies screaming ;
Ring in the woman bound to please,
A lady, always at her ease,
Not manlike woman, by degrees
More man that woman seeming.
Old '94, who now has fled,
Encouraged blatant boldness
In things «dled ** new," as we haye said ;
New '95, now he is desid,
Might bring some things which are instead
iLemarkaole for oldness.
A VITAL QUESTION.
(Ask^ at a Fenny Jteading,)
'^Who will stand on either hand.
And keep Uie bridge with me P ^
Januabt 5, 1895.]|
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIII.
"SHOULD CHRISTMAS BE ABOLISHED?
[A symposium on the above question appears
the December Number of The Idler,]
With what philosophy sublime
The institutioiis are discussed,
Which foolish men of olden time
Were well content to take on trust I
*' Is life one great mistake ? '' we cry.
'* Oar modem teachers deem it so ; ''
*' Man's place shall woman occup^r ? "
And now this last—** Shall Chrutmasgo ?
They mock at an3r plea for mirth,
With line deruion they allude
To an^ wish for peace on earth
As just a pulpit platitude ;
This Christmas-time, it^seems, is fraught
With fancies anything but clever;
The lessons that Chables Dickens taught
Are obsolete, and gone for eyer I
Thev tell us, in their stead, to praise
Tne jokes on seasonable ills.
The epigrams on quarter-days.
The fetix (T esprit on mud and bills ; '
But as for honest glee and cheer,
Since every cause for joy 's demolished.
Why, Christmas, too, it 's amply clear.
Should be kft out-in fact, ** abolished."
Well, let them talk ; to please themselves
By aU means let them demonstrate
That fairies. Santa Claus, and elves
Are manifestly out-of-date.
Well, let them talk ; and find a joy
In cynical philosoi>hv,
But every English girl and boy
WiU give their empty words the lie !
Nor only these : In every land
When Christmas brinn, to brighten life,
The sturdy grip of hand with hand,
The softened heart,«the ended strife, —
Then air your pessimistic views,
Then ask again, ** Shall Christmas go P ''
And find your answer, if you choose.
In one emphatic, hearty— ** NO I "
Look what I 'vs bought tou fo& a Ohbistmas Box 1 "
THE CHfiONICLES OP A RUEAL PARISH.
VIIL — Aftsb the Poll.
I AM overwhelmed with congratulations, from all classes, from all
sections, from all ranks, and I am acclaimed on all hands as a worthy
head man for a Mudford, if not yet a model, village. Not the least
welcome have been the communications which nave reached me
from those who have made my acquaintaDoe in these published
Chronicles. The mayor of a borough whose charter dates well back
into the beginning of the second half of the present century, wrote
to say that he is emboldened by the fact tiiat his wife's maiden
name commenced with a W to write to tell me how rejoiced he is to
hear of my success. A gentleman writes from ** The Burning Plains
of the Sahara'' to say that he is always proud of the triumphs of a
TiMorHT. (My daughter points out that this is dearly a forgery,
since the Sahara mail isn't in till next week. But I can't go into
that.) Then there is a veryimportant letter from Birmingluun. of
which I will only say that WnxKisB, who has backed many a Bill,
may yet live to indorse a Programme. I may here add that there has
been an attempt in some quarters to decry these Chronicles as
absurd and imaginary. My Birmingham correspondent describes
them as *' an important picture of things as they actually are."
He is ri^ht I am as serious as a Prime Aunister.
My wife is back— which reminds me that I received a post-card,
which has had the effect usually produced by a bomb. Here is what
was on it : —
AFTER THE POLL.
After the poll is over,
After the votiog 's done,
Mudford will be much duller,
Ko more election fun.
But ONE man will be more happy,
Not so disturbed in his soul (r),
Wnrxiif s's wife is oome back now-
After the Poll I
Of course, I should have destroyed the card at once— but I was out
when it came, and Maria read it first I What happened was a good
instance of the monstrous way in which one man's sin is another
man's punishment. In this case (1) it was my wife who had
persisted in going away, and (2) it was an unknown post-cardist
who had written the insulting doggereL Yet I paid the entire
penalty.
The great puzzle — ^who is the seventh councillor ?~is still unsolved.
All that has happened so far is that Mrs. Letham Havitt and Mrs.
AsBLB MARtn are no loDger on speaking terms. It has leaked out
that Mrs. Mahch had more plumpers than Mrs. Havitt, whereupon
ructions — as Jackt, who nas jast come home for the Christmas
holidays says. I tbink he 's quite right.
Oar Parish Council meets next Monday— on the 7th. With the
New Year we commence our reign of beneficent activity. I need
hardly say that it is certain that I am to be Chairman. My position
on the poU suggests it, common decency demands it, moreovt r I ex-
pect it. I renise to believe that I shall be disappointed.
A GLAD NEW YEAR.
A lU/Ueting BoumUl.
** A Glad New Year! " Why, bless my heart, how fast
The time files by ! The year 's no sooner here
Than it is gone and numbered with the past~
AGkdNewYear!
For some the sun shines bright, the sky is clear.
No threatening clouds overhead exist to caitt
A single shadow. Yet, ah me, how drear
The sad estate in which some lives are passed !
The day when none are sad may not be near,
But then — and not till then— there '11 be at last
A Glad New Year !
Up-to-date Yxbsigi^ fob iCATUitB YiBaiKs avd p&ematxtrklt
eBizzLSD WoRKiKe MsN.— They whom the gods don't love, dye
young I
liu^cru uy
d^'
) )
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI.
[Januabt 5, 1895.
THE PROBLEM PLAY.
New fFonumitaith th$ hoi), **No ! Mr Pjunoiplb is siicplt this— Iw thxbx *8 A demand fob thbsb Plays, it must bb supplied!"
Woman not Ntw {wUh the hownet), "PbboisblyI Just as with tbb Bull-fiohts in Spain 1" [SeortB.
THE OLD FERKTMAN'S NEW FAEE.
AiB— '* Twickenham Ferry,**
0-hoi-tb-hoI Ho-ye-hol Who 's for the f eny P
(The moon sails on high^ and the snow '« coming down^)
A Jight gleams afar, and the chnrdi chimes are merry,
I young, 1 .
And he 's fresh as a pippin, and hrown as a herry,
He laughs at the night, and he heeds not the cold.
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-HoI
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho I ** I 'm for the ferry I '|
{The moon rides on high^ and the snow U coming down^)
** Sure it 's kte that it is, but I oare not a pennv ;
I '11 hrayjB the roo^h river and winter's grim frown,"
He 'd his hands in his pockets, and oh I he looked hrave
As the toughtest old tar who e'er yentnred the wave.
With his cheeks like a rose, and his lips like a cherry,
*' Ah I sore, andyou 're welcome ! Your presence aU craye ! "
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho I
O-hd-ye-ho, Ho I One flits slow from the ferry,
(The moon rides on high, and the snow '« eommg down^
mth shadowy form, ana with footfall nnsteady ;
Ton 'd think 'twas a ghost at the dawn-signal flown.
The ferryman turns on the phantom a glance,
But the eyes of the youngster there glitter and dance,
And with yonth like a star in the stem of the wherry
There is but one watchword for Time^tis ** Adyanoe i "
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho I
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho ! Old is that f erir,
{The moon rides on high^ and the snow^s drifting down,)
Still, older that steersman, thonffh stalwart and steady,
And many a jonmey and fare nath he known.
For the Ferryman 's Time, and his fares are the Years,
And they greet him with smiles, and oft leaye him in tears.
And the yonth who to-night takes his seat in that wherry,
Snows notjiow 'tis^freighted with hopes and with fears.
0-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho I
O-hd-ye-ho-Ho I 'Ninbtt-Five tries the ferry,
(ne moon rides on high, and the snow silvers down,)
There 's a smile on his lips, and his laughter is merry ;
Right little he bodeth of Fortune*8 dark frown.
But uie Ferryman's old, and the Ferryman knows
That Biyer oi Years, with its joys and its woes ;
But we 'U wish the young fare a snug seat in Time's wherry.
And sun on his way, though he starts 'midst the snows.
O-hoi-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho, Ho-ye-ho-Ho I !
THE WINTER ACADEMY OP 1995.
(An Megant JBetraetfivm a Future Development,)
Thb Committee this year has wisely been recruited from the
Master Bill Posters' Guild ; the old-fttshioned method of '* hansing "
is abandoned, and adyertisements are now ** stuck" on the walls oy
the New ** B " Gum Process (for which Sir J. Millboabd contributes
a charming illustration No. 20,000). During a preliminary suryey,
we were astonished by the blatant excellence of the exhibition. *' J
Bicycle Made for Five,^* by Mr. Lowtheb R. Cade (No. 2006), is
especially delicate and sudaen ; the tone is aluminium throughout,
and al^ouffh no children are represented as bodily on the machine,
a Eineto-PnoncM^raph inserted in the axle dexterously responds to a
penny in the siot---when the youthful athletes are both seen and
heard in the adjacent horse-pond. ** Gregory the Orai^ful**
(No. 612) fuUy sustains Dr. Uttbbson's reputation for historical
adyertisement ; by pressing a spring the Pope actually swallows the
powder, and seems to like it. It is quite equal to this Master's
^' Columbus in Wall Street" of last year. Mr. G. Mobland's
" Carter^ s PiU-gathering m the Old Kent Road'' (No. 69) is too
redistic for modem taste : the fine oaks in the backgpround are
absolutely hidden by placards ; but Lord Boxall's '* Whde there is
Life there is Soap " (No. 15.000z) is truly impressionist ; the life is full
of soap, and the soap full ol life. In " Glycerine " (unnumbered), by
Miss TOPST TuBYT (the Presidentess), we haye a fine example of
•* The Newer Symbolism,'' ^ei patent reyolying motor displairs its
liquidity to equal adyantage upside down.
Altogether the show is calculated to promote business— which is
the true end of Art ; it also opans out infinite possibilities for house-
deooratiaiL
— ^-'
|iuz.cru uy
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL-Jaotabt 6, 1896.
THE NEW PASSENGER.
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Digitized by
Google
Jahttabt 5, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABl.
AN "OLD MASTER'S" GROWL.
Biirlington House^ January 1, 1895.
It 's all yery pretty to hang us up here,
And pretena that you worship our genins and paint ;
Ton fanoy it 'a *' Omtehah " that rings in the year-
Bat it ain't I
Ton find us, you say, ** a delight to the eye ; "
Yon exdaim that *' such painting yon never did Fee ! **
You "do" u»— then soamper below with the cry—
••Cup o' tea!"
" Old Masters," indeed I It 's " Young Students " with you-
To their show in your thousands you flock in the spring ;
But of Me you exclaim, as you come in my view—
"What a thing!"
JuHt cdx months ago in these rooms you *d declare
It was *• ex(][uiHite Art " that you saw ; you forgot
That you 'd said that of us. Bah ! What do you case P
Not a jot I
Of course, there are some who are men of the day.
Who belong to the band of the talented few ;
Right gladly we put forth our hand, as we say—
"Howdedo?"
For example, young Raphael— my excellent friend—
And the later Italians and Germans as well,
They consider Sir Fbsdsbic Leiohtok no end
OfasweU
Then Rxtkolds declared, in the course of a chat,
The " Cherry Ripe " jmcture of Mnj,AT8 to be
At good as " Penelope JBoothbu." What 's that f
"^SodoeMhef'
Yait dx Yeldb asserts he knows less of a wave,
It*s colour and drawing, than MooBX at his best. —
But when of your Coles and your HuirrEBs you raye,
I protest I
Talk of TiTiAK and Watts in a breath— which you may ;
Young GiLBEBT and Swan you may praise if you will ;
But the thought of the annual summer display
Makes me ill !
Yet that's what the mass of the people enjoyed.
And the few who come here, both the ^reat and the small.
Mostly come to be seen. What— you think I 'm annoyed ?
NotataU!
We expect it.— I said just as much to Vandtce—
There 's but one in a hundred that comes who '11 descry
The beauty of Art. It 's the sham I disUke.
Well— good-bye !
HOW TO WRITE AN EXTRA NUMBER.
{An Up-to-date JragmerU for TtUetide,)
The author was hard at work. He heeded not the snow that beat
against the window, nor the wintry wind that whistled through the
'eafless trees. The fire burned brightlj in the grate, and the
hadows on the walls seemed to inspire him with seasonable tales.
He wrote for dear life, as his
Copy was late, and he knew
-^^^0- 7^«Mv .— *^* J^® printers were da-
^. .JtM,. <im».. .^^*^^^ mourin^ lor more and more
from his facile pen. Every
now and again be glanced at
a yolume of drawings (there
were many sketches in the
book on his desk), and, paus-
ing for a momect, seemed to
be lost in thought. Then he
would resume his labours
with fresh energy. Very
rarely he would murmur to
himself, and thtn his words would be few.
" Confusion ! " he muttered on one such occasion ; ** how the
Dickens (or should it be Thackeray ?) am I to get in the Christmas
waits P " He pondered for a moment, and then his eyes glistened with
delight. '* Eureka ! I haye it ! They must appear in a dream. Yes,
that will get oyer the difficulty, they must appear in a dream I "
And then he continued his writing. During the whole day he had
been hard at work. His breakfast was scarcely touched. He wayed
dway the seryaQt girl who would have set before him his lunch. It
was now close upon his customarj dinner hour, but still he insisted
upon isolation. Eyen the wife of bin deyot: n did not dare to come
oear him. She knew that he would not speak to h r, but only cast
at her a glance. But such a glance I A terrible tirade compressed
into a aohtary look I
The short day waned and passed away. The eyening quickly
changed into night. There were cheery songs without, as it was
Chrbtmas Eye, when all men were thinking of wassail, and holly
and mistletue. Eyen the performers in the forthcoming pantomime
were nearing the dobc ot their last rehearsal, when they would go
back tu their homes to count the mince pies and glance for the last
time at the cooking of the familiar plum puddiog.
At length the writer was interrupted, and by his old familiar friend.
** I wuJ not disturb you," baid the caller, taking up a newspaper
and commencing its perusal: **I know
bow busy you are. and will be silent as ^
Cornhill on a Bunaay."
The writer nodded and continued his
work. His pen moyed quicker and
quicker until at length it stopped.
'*HurrahI" shouted the author. "At
last my task is completed. I haye
brought in eyery cut and got through
the necessary number of lines. Yea, my
dear old comrade, I haye done. The
printer will be satisfied, and the pub-
lisher will cease to be alarmed. And
DOW, my dear fellow, I can enjoy Christ-
mas conscious of the fact that I haye
thoroughly earned a holiday."
"Ah!" obseryed the yisitor glancing at the recently-written
pages ; ** I see you haye been writing something for Yuletide."
^* Yuletidc I " exclaimed the author. '* Why, that was accomp-
lished ages ago. Ho, my dear fellow, I haye just finished a summer
number timea to appear in August I shan*t think oi touching the
1 work of next year's Christmas until April I "
la
PtTNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKrVARL
[JAIJUAKT 6, 1895.
"TOIT CAME TO TEA."
Iv spite of Fate inTincible.
Of lack of wit, and lack of
Jjold,
Ofpiotores that too cheaply sell,
Or pictures never sold.
Oh, yet, when I am old ana grey,
If old and grey I live to be,
I shall recall one happy day.
The day you came to tea !
Ton came. Of course I am
aware
Ton did not, could not, come
alone.
Ton were between the million-
aire
And a stout chaperon.
Mywork they called to criticise,
But what they said I do not
Imow,
For gleams of laughter in your
eyes
That seemed to come and go.
The hurnring moments how I
There flashed a scheme into
my brain.
With unexpected tea, I would
My visitprs detain.
The ever-willing household
slave
Into my service I imuressed ;
To her my tea, my gold I gave.
She vowed to do the rest.
That tea was strong, for all my
hoard.
Some half a pound, two
shilling tea,
Into the teapot had
poured—
Only the milk— ah me !
THE SHAKSPEARE LESSON.
HoUiay Tutor {quoUngy-
'* * LSTTINa I DA&l KOT WAIT UPOK I WOVLD,
LiKS THX POOR OAT IK THB ADAGB.'
Now, Gbobok, what is ak adaos?"
George. *' A flags to kexb Gats nr 1"
So pallid, comfortless a stream.
Into your cup I saw it gUde.
For a true jug of countiy cream
I felt I would have died !
But with the cake I was con-
tent,
Its richness no one could
mistake.
For my whole store the slave
had spent
On a superior cake.
'Twas all in lavers. almonded.
And crowned, witn white ana
rosy ice:
"What a delightful cake!"
you said ;
**&ut, please, a smaller
sHceP
I flushed and stammered. I
suspect
A pound I*d cut you un-
aware.
On what I did could I reflect
When you were sitting there.?
That reveL ah, how soon 'twas
o'er I
How swiftly came' the mo-
ment when [door.
After my ^ests I shut the
I mounted to my den.
Then down I sat besidethe walL
And, feeling doubtful and
amazed,
I strove your accent to recall
As at your chair I gazed.
I heard your soft laugh echo
through [to me.
The dingy room grown dear
Where now was silence ; and
I knew
That you had been to tea
THE POLITE GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE.
{By an Affable Philoeophor and Cowieotu Oitide,)
How to Ebceive a Deputatiok.
It does not take very long to make yourself quite at home as
Secretary of the Pub!io Squander Department— the office I will sup-
pose you to be fiUing. You will And everything ready to your hand.
All you will have to rememberisthis— the
golden rule of the Service— that what was
done last year, should be followed this,
and arranged tor next. Ministries may
come and Cabinets may go, but the
P. S. D. continues for ever. The policy of
the office must never be disturbed. If it
has been the custom (say) to put orange-
trees in the open spaces under the con-
trol of the Departaient out to bloom in
February, under no consideration what-
ever must the date be changed. It may
be advanced (generally in the newspai>ers
when there is nothing more interosting
ripe for discussion) that July would be
the better month. It may be dedlared
that an orange-tree taken from a hot-
house and thrust into the uncertain
atmosphere of the Metropolis, and indeed
the provinces, stands less ehanoe of
weathering that dimate in the seoond
month of the year than it would in the
seventh. That may be very true, but
what has been done by the PubUo
Squander Department once should be
repeated for ever. If an alteration has
CO be made it must not be acoomplished except ** under-pressure."
Questions must be asked in the House, returns moved for, and all
ihe rest of it. So long as the alteration can be resisted, it is the duty
of every member of the Department to stand shoulder to shoulder to
oppose. Tou will find a case in point in the matter of your own pet
gnevanoe the oondition of '* Milestones." Tou will reooUeot (if you
have a good memory) that ** Milestones" were the steps of the stair-
case that led you from the hall of Parliament to the comf*irtable
apartmentsreservedforthespedaluseof the Secretary of the P. S. D.
" I do not think we need bother about those Milestones," you will
say to the Chief Clerk after you have rot accustomed to your mes-
sengers and have chosen your easiest of easy chairs ; '' I daresay there
are many matters of more pressing importance."
The courteous official to whom you have made the suggestion will
readily acquiesce, and then inform vou that a deputation are anxious
to see you upon the subject. And nere yoa will find one of the dis-
advantages mseparably connected with making a question exclusively
your own. The moment yon come into
power you are expected to do some-
thing. It is of course unreasonable,
but none the less for that unavoidable.
** I think you had better see them,
ffir," the CJhief Clerk will observe.
** They know the ropes fairly well, and
I do not think we shall get much
peace until you have got ria of them.
Ot course, we have sent them travel-
ling a bitl but they have got back to
us at last^'
**Sent them a— travelling P " you
will query.
"Well, yes. We have referred them
to this department, where they have
been asked to anply to that. They
have been passed on from office to
offioe until they have oome back to us.
It is the rule of the game. And now
I think the time has arrived when you
should see them in person."
Of course, you have nothing to
do but to take your subordinate's
advice. It is one of the regulations of the Civil Servioe that the tail
wags the dog. It stands to reason that a man who has grown
my in tiie Departinent is more likely^ to know the business of the
Bureau better than you who have just joined. So the spokesman of
the deputation reoeivee a polite oommunication informing him that
you will be pleased to see him and his friends at such and such a
date. Of oour8e,youarefurni4i^^,]g^|}j^i|ag^qeXjhg^^g^'^
Janttart 5, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
11
adyanoe, and your private secretary (your right-hand
man) makes it his special business to post yon np in all
that is neoeesary about them. The day arriyes, and
with it the deputation. If the House is sitting, Wu can
see the Membm in your own room. If looks well if you
oan show your aooosters how small a ohamber you oocupy,
and how hard at work you have to be at all hours of the
day and night. Failing a meeting' in Parliament, you
ean reoeiye them in the Department itself . In this ease
oontriye, if possible, to see them^in official uniform.
Chat with them after you haye been to a levSe, or Cabi-
net, or something of that sort It gives you a distinct
advantage if you oan overawe them^with the glories of a
well-feathered cooked-hat, and many yards (chiefly on
the back of your coat) of gold lace.
You will have, of course, in attendance upon you
several heads of departments. These gentlemen will say
nothing, but will look wonders. If you are at loss for
figures or facts, you will glance at them and make a bold
statement. That daring declaration will, of course, be
qualified with the announcement that it is made ** to the
best of vour belief." You will turn your face towards
the heads, and they will receive vour mute appeal with
s^pathetic attention. They wiU not say anylliing, but
will, I repeat, look wonders. They will not be compre-
hensible, out merelv convincing.
Chairs will have been set for the members of the depu-
tation. Some of your visitors will be perflonaUv known
to you, and these you will greet with enusion. Remem-
ber that vou must be nothing if not genial. Single out
for special cordiality the spokesman. Not, of course, one
of your jMirliamentary colleagues who is going to intro-
duce your visitors to you, but the principal member of the
deputation. If you have to contradict him in the courRe
of the intOTview yon will have the sympathy of his ool-
leatmes, and they will be glad to see one who has the
pleasure of your acquaintance (why should he have it
more than tbev P) soundly snubbed. After every one has
frot comfortably into thnr places, you wiU a^k if the
Press are to be present. If the replv is in the affirmative
(as it most i^robably will be, as all deputations like to see
themselves in print), continue vour generalities, and say
with a good-natured laugh, **that you must be on your
guard." If the interview is not to be reported, then you
reguire no further guide. You can say or do almost any-
thing in reason. But assuming that the reporters are to
be present (and h^re it may be observed that, if your
private secn>tary knows his business, the gentlemen of
the Press will to some extent be ** selected "), you must
be more careful.
You will listen to your parliamentary colleague's speech
of introduction and the address of your friend the spokes-
inan with many silent tokens of goodwill. When there
iH a trace of a compliment you will nnile and bow, and
if any figures are introduced you will ask to have them
repeated, and make a note of them on a piece of paper.
It does Pot matter what kind of paper you use, as the
piece will subsequently disappear into the basket reserved
for valueless documents.
You will ask several questions, and, when the spokes-
man has completed his harangue, you will look round to
see if anyone desires to foUow him. If there is any
hesitation, commence your reply at once. But if anyone
is rpady. let him speak. It is far better that the eloquence
of the deputation should come out (Uke the measles)
rather than be sufmreesed. When your visiton have had
their turn, then will come yours.
Of course the less you say the better. I do not mean
in words, but in imrpart If you have time you can
chatter for an horn*, but that chatter should be abso-
lutely innocuous. Bemember not to give yourself away.
Mind, you are bound in office bv nothing you have
uttered out of it. Be geniaL Indulge in small jokes.
Let them be at your own expense. Complain that you are
powerless. Explain that had you your way you would do
all sorts of vood things, but ** that tj{rrant, the Chancellor
of the Exchequer," interferes. It is not the fault of the
Public Squander Department, but the crime of the
Treasurv. Wind up by assuring the membws of the
deputation of your personal sympathy, and assure them
that you will take *' an early opportunity of laying the
repreeentations they have made oefore your colleagues."
-^ By following these directions you may be sure that you
will eain golden opinions. You will be manked with eJBhi-
don for your courtesy, and your visitors will retire entirely
satisfied with the reception that has been accorded to them.
'* I SAY, TiBBEKS, OLD MaN, IS IT TRUE THAT TOUA WiFS HAS BEEN A8KKI)
TO BESION AT THS OmPHALS ClUB ?"
" Will, tes ; tou see the Committee found that sbe 'd been quiltt of
Ungentlemanly Conduct."
TO ALTHEA.— (Out of Towxl)
If ever this message should find you,
I think that perhaps you will guees
Who sent it, in hopes to remind you
Of one who has not your address,
And who if he had dare not use it.
The chaperon's eve to offend.
Althea, yet do not refuse it,
The humble good wish of a friend I
To give you a New Year's greeting,
Explain, what I cannot explain,
How your look, at our very last meet-
^FoiM,
Is photographed firm on my brain.
Without you, I 'm twenty years older ;
And yet I 'm glad you ^re away.
For each day it grows darker and
colder,
The sky is a smoky brown-grey.
Althxa— I am weary of winter
Without you I The fogs never dear.
My missive! send to the printer
To tell you how dull it is here.
I hope you are faring far better,
I trust, as I bid you adieu.
That you may divine that this letter ^
Is nally intended for you!
12
PONCH, OR THE LONTX)N CHARTVART.
[Januabt 5, 1895.
''RICHARD HIMSELF AGAIN/'
** RiTUBK affain WhitUngUm^ Pantomime of London " were the
words to the ehimeg that on or about Boxing Da^ must have bef n
ringing in the ears of Mr. Ex-Sheriff Habbis, Knight, and speotade
Listening to the Belles."
maker from mom to dawn. This is not the first time that onr own
D&T7EioiAin78has chosen the intermittent LordMayor (for did not Dick
pass the chair thrice P) as the snbiect for his annual. That he has
b«en wise in making the select ion has been proved by the result. Sir
her comic Tocaliam with a touch of sentiment that makes^thelwbole
world kin after it has had its grin. Miss Mabib Mohtbose, too, is
winsome, and so are Misses Agbbs Hbwitt, Eta Wbbtlak^ and
Madob Lucas. In fact, the opening is well played by ** all coneemed."
It is a wonder that, after the first innings of the morning parform-
anoe, they should have scored so heayily in the evening's representa-
tion. But roore they do, and are likely to *' continue the move-
ment " until Easter.
It baffles description. Who could
The scenery must be
paint the sun? Who could
report the wonders of the
solar system? A first im-
pressionist would dedare that
the gor^reous production of
colour, light, and form, could
only be adeguatply suggested
by the word ** Habbis." So
the entire audience thought
on Boxing Night Let it be
known that after the wonder-
ful "Fea*.t of Lanterns"
Scene, Sir Augustus was called
to the front three or four time",
"Cook' and Gwse."
and might have **gone on"
indefinitely so far as the house
was concerned. Indeed, th^
enthusiasm showed no sign of
diminutionwhen the lessee bad , ,. .... .„ ..,wi ^^ n
made his exit. Still the Gallery (ailed for " » Abbis I " still the Stallh
pxpressed their opinion by the gentle tsppiny of well-gloved iMnds.
Nay more, there were members of the supenor classes who not only
rapped out their applause, but roared wilh laughter. From first
to Isst, thanks to a thoroughly appreciative (and yet discriminating)
audience, the play went admirably.
So the bells will ring for Whittington for a lonff Ume to come.
And where the belles are there will be found the beaux. To <»n-
tinue the association of ideas, the shot of Sir Augustus has ended m
a hit. It does not take a prophet to predict that Dick will not only
«*Haulbythe<ies."
Augustus (with the assistance of his literary colleagues, Messrs. H.
Hamiltob and Waltbb Ralbigh, and his chief of the staff, Mr.
Abthub 0)LLiirs) has beaten his own record. Nothing better than
the present show has been seen at Drury Lane within the recollection
of the existing generation. And it is highly probable that the
memory of man does not, anent times past, run to the contrarv.
The ex-sheriff has begrun a new lease of the old house, ana seem-
ingly has taken the success he has so long established on the
premiset as one of the fixtures. A most excellent commencement to
a contract that should be highly satisfactory to both manager and
public.
So much for pantomimic things in general, and now to turn to
details in psrtioular. The book of the words is decidedly a superior
artide. Hitherto when the Drury Lane Annual has contained a
fault the mistake has been discovered in *' the cackle." On former
occasions it has been said (by the dvspeptic and consequently disap-
pointed) that ** the turns of the halls " have been too numerous.
Those excellent comedians Messrs. Dab Lend and Hebbbbt Camp-
bell have sometimes been a little too much in evidence to suit every
taste. In 1894-95 they have plenty to do, but only enough to satisfy
the most fastidious. They are quite as amusing as usual, and when
the curtain falls before ** the tnuisformation " people are rather in-
clined to ask for more than to say that they have had qui^e enough.
This is the token of a good sign. Then the Brothers CPbiffiths are
particularly pleasing. That member of the brethren who plays the cat
IS at once comic and pathetic. He makes Malkin quite a loveable
dharaoter. Then Miss Ada Blabgsb, as Dick, is altogether a hero
of romance. She may sing the old songs of the halls, but she tempers
be the centre of numberless matin^e$, but the hero of at least a
hundred nights. Dick will listen to his bells until Easter changes '
the music.
WHY 'DOST THOU SING?
Why dost thou sing ? Is it because thou deemeet
We love to hear tny sorry quavers ring ?
My poor deluded girl, thou fondly dreamest I
Why dost thou sing ?|
Why dost thou sing ? I ask thy sad relations—
They shake their heads, and answer with a sigh.
They can explain thy wild hallucinations
No more than I.
Whv dost thou sing ? Why wilt thou never weary
Why wilt thou warble half a note too flat ?
I can conceive no reasonable theory
To tell me that.
Why dost thou sing ? Lady, have we ever
In thought or action done thee any wrong ?
Then wherefore should' st thou visit us for ever
With thy one song ?
Why dost thou sing ?— None offers a suggestion.
None dares to do so desperate a thing, , j
And Echo only answers to my questien, \r^CS\c>
'^Why dost thou Sng ?>> ^ ^^^ ^^
January 12, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
(By Mr. Puneh^i own Short SUry-taUr,)
LffTRODUCmON.
Not many liTing men, and even fewer in the agr^s that are past,
have — if I may use the word^sported with greater assiduity and
Buooess than I have dnricg a life which is even dow little past its
middle ]>eriod. At one time on horseback, at another on the bound-
ing and impulsive elephant ; now bestriding the matchless dromedair
on his native prairie, now posted on Ffof>t in a jungle crowded with
golden pheasants in all the native splcDdour of their plumage ; some-
times matching my solitary craft a^nst a host of foxes on the swell-
ing uplands of Leicestershire, sometimes f aoinjjr the Caledonian boar or
the sanguinaiT panther in their woodland lairs, dealing showers of
leaden death trom a hundred tubes, or tracking my fearful prey by
the lonely light of a wax vesta and
despatching it at midnight with
my trusty bowie —wherever there
were leagues to be walked, risks to
be run, or fastnesses to be rushed
there not only have I been the first,
bat (paradoxical as it may appear)
there also have I succeeded and
have never been successfully fol-
lowed. My experiences are there-
fore unique, and it i^ in the hope
that they may to some extent profit
a younger generation^ less inured,
I fear, to hardship and danger than
my own, that 1 now set pen to
paper and recount some of the
exploits that have made my name
famous wherever sport is loved
and true sportsmen are revered.
A less modest man might have
said more, but one whose deedf*
rk f«»r nim in every quarter of
world may well be content to
leave to punier men the ridiculous
trumpeting braggadocio that too
often makes so-called sportsmen
the laughing stock of society. For
myself, I can never forget the
lesson I learned at an early age
from my dear father, himself a
shikari of no common order, thoaffh
to be sure, as he himself would oe
the fir^t to admit if he were alive,
the exploits of the son (I had no
brothers) have now thrust the
parental performances into the
hackgrouno. Still, it was my
father who first inculcated upon
my infant mind the daring, the
ignorance of fear, the contempt of
danger, and the iron endurance
which have since made me a house-
hold word. Heaven rest the old
man ! He sleeps his last sleep far away in the Desert of Gblden
S«nd, with no nead-stone to mark his resting-place, and neither
the roaring of his old enemies the tigers, nor the bellowing of the
countless aDigators who infest the spot can rouse him any more.
Alas! it was trustfulness that destroyed him. He was gored to
death by a favourite rhinoceros that he had rescued at a tender age
when its mother was killed, and had brought up to know and, as he
thought, to love him. But I have always thought myself that the
rhinoceros was a treacherous brute, and though I have often been
asked to tame one, for presentation to this or that Emperor, I have
consistently declined.
Msrvellous, however, as my father was in his day for his exploits
and his variegated bags of game, he was i)erhaps even more wonder-
ful for the unswerving accuracy with which he was accustomed to
relate his adventures. Far and wide over the steppes of Central
Asia, the burning re^ons c»f equatorial Africa, the precipitous
haunts of the American (hizzlv, and the wild retreats of the
ferocious Albaoian pig-^very^here, in thort, wheie he had set
foot or drawn trigger, this peculiarity of his was known and appreci-
ated, and many a respectful sobriquet did it earn for him from the
ravage tribes amongst whom he spent the best years of his life. In
Kashmir he was known as Petit Ton^ that is, the man who cannot lie;
amongst the iwarthy Zambesians the name of Govun Bettir (the Un-
defeated and Veracious Man) was a name to conjure with even when
in their moments of warlike passion the tribesmen rushed madly
through their primeval thickets, shouting their terrible war-ory,
** Itmp tires Xeare,*' that is, ** Death to the white-faced robbers."
TOL. ovm.
He^^had indeed seen ten bocks,
Bat what I wished specially to relate about my poor father was
the lesson of truthfulness which he inculcated upon me at an early
age. He and I (I was then but a lad of twelve) had been hunting
the ferodons Filsener gemsbock through the wild Lagerland in whi(£
he makes his home. It hap|>ened one morning that we had parted
company. To me was assigned the duty of beating thron|[h the
Bier-Wald, the dense forest which stretches mDe upon mile in un-
broken gloom to the confines of the Boose-See. The Fates were
propitious. Wherever I turned I saw a victim, and one after
another I brought down with unerring aim twenty-four (as I
thought) of these noble animals, whose horns are now worth a king^s
ransom, and might, even in those distant days, have rescued a
minor German Prince from captivity. Hastening home with my
booty loaded upon my back— I was a strong boy for my age, but of
course nothing to what I have since become — ^I met my dear father
jnst as I reached the door of the hut which served us for hunting
quarters. Joyously I cast down my
burden, and sprang to his side. But
my father wore an expression of
annoyance, and I soon discovered
that the luck had been against him.
He had indeed seen ten books, but
for some reason his aim had laxdced
its accustomed deadliness, and he
had come back empty-handed. I
condoled with him in a boy*s art-
less fa^hion, and proceeded to tell
him how fortunate I had been.
'*How many have you shot?"
he asked me.
** Twenty-four,*' was my reply.
*' Count them," said my father.
I did so, and you may judge of
my astonit^hment ^hen I found
that twenty-ftix bad fallen to my
gun. I count4>d again and again.
Yes, there were twenty-six of them.
With one of my shots I must have
brought down three. In the agita-
tion of the moment I had over-
looked this. I told my father that
I had made a slight mistake, and
endeavoured to explain how it had
arisen. But my father was in-
exorable.
" A He," he said, "is a lie. You
said you had shot twenty-four, ]^u
have actuallv killed twenty-six.
Tou must suffer."
Over the rest of the painful
scene I draw a veil. The shrieks
of my mother, who implored
pardon for me on her bended
^^^ Knees, still seem to ring in my
rr— ears. Since that time I nave al-
:-<* ways respected not only the strict
'*~^^ truth, but also the leather thongs
which are in use in the Lagerland
for the droves of untameable cattle
that roam the prairies. This was my lesson, and I have never,
never forgotten it.
TO AN OLD FLAME.— (TwMTTT Yeabs afteb.)
A LITTLE girl, a ohamdn^ tiny tot,
I well remember you with many a curl.
Although I recollect you said, *' I'm not
A mie girl."
We parted. Hid the worry and the whirl
Of life, a^ain, alas ! I paw you not,
I kept you in my memory as a pearl
Of winsome childhood. So imagine what
A shook it was this morning to unfurl
My morning paper, there to see you 've got
A little girl I
Something to Live pok.— The PaU Matt Gazette annonnoed last
Friday that ** a bevy of head-masters will appear in the pulpit of St.
Paul's this month." How many go to a '* bevy " we are not aware,
though perhaps we might asrertain it from Sir Druriolanus, who
could inform us, after several crowded houpes, how many go to see
the *' bevy," and how many combine to make up a *' bevy," <'f ballet
beauties in the pantomime ; but putting it say at a dozen, the bevy
of head-masters in their dws and rowns would find the pulpit of St.
Paul's rather a tight fit. Pretty "fi:^tife>^||t*57^^ ^ ^ j. m.V
^ ^ o~
14
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Jakvabt 12, 1896
a
r>r\a\(>
Januabt 12, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
15
A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY.
(Hounds going from Covori to Coveri,)
Matter Jack (to M.F.H.), "I sat, tou kkow, awful ntisanoi ths way these Women follow a Fellow oyeb MyMRYTHunI
Makes a Man hate to be so beastly oabefvl what he JxmpSt don't you know 1 "
THE HEW TEAB'S DAT DREAM.
A Tmntf9oman Fragmmii from the Popular
PanUcmdme of ** Harlequin Hareourt, the
Sleeping Beauty, and the Financial Fairy
Prinee."
r"Tlie Berenae BetnniB,'' tayi the DaUgNewt,
"for the expired three guarters of the financial
year ahow that a torn of cloee upon £62,000,000
haa been paid inte the Exchequer. The Chan-
cbllob of thb £xoHXQnB&*8 estimated revenue
for the whole year was a little orer £94,000,000.
This is regarded as an indication of the reyiyal of
trade, and the promise of a substantial surplus for
the next Budget"]
Thb Abbiyal.
All blessed boons, though coming late,
To those wbo wait them issae firth,
For skill in seanel works with fate.
And draws uie yeU from hidden worth.
He oomes, fP^eat keeper of our tin,
He is no Tory Hurlo-Thrumbo !
A fidry Prinee. with triple ohin.
And heaYy-footed as poor Junibo !
He oomes, searoe knowing what he seeks,
Though he has heard dt Sleeping Beanties.
He hath been dreaming many weeKs
Of Income Tax, Stamps, and Death Duties.
He'd charmed the party with his talk
Of Graduation ; now grey fear
Knod:s at his ribs, his dieek 's like chalk.
With thoughts of Reyenue for the Tear.
More cloee and dose his footsteps wind,
The next year's Budget on his heart
From Stamps and Liquor will he find
Bigphims? Will rich taxpayers*' part"?
Here's sleeping Trade! ** Lor! what a lark I"
He thinks. ^* To wake her— were a spree !
A Jdss may lift those lashes dark ;
vt resist a buss— &om M.e ! "
ShecanM
The BayiYAL.
A touch, a smack ! A boxM ear.
There came the sound of a smart slap.
The Fairy Prince, with cry of fear.
His hand unto his cheek did dap.
The Sleeping Beauty gaye a gape,
A wide-mouthed yawn, a long - drawn
stretch.
He rubbed his chins. *' This %» a jape I
I knew my style the girl would fetch I
" In spite of all that Wilson says,*
I trust those Reyenue Returns.
She doe$ reyiye ! Be mine the praise I
By JoYC, though, how my left ear bums I
I told 'em that I'd do the trick
With my new fakement, tiie Death Duties.
Come, Miss, wake up ! Reyiye, dear, quick !
Tou sleepiest of Sleeping Beauties I "
At last sweet slumbering Trade awoke,
And on her couch her form upreared.
The Prince smiled, rubbed his chins, and spoke.
** Ah, Wilson's prophecy is queered.
He swore that you would not reyiye,
In his Cassandra-like Reyiew,
But don't sit yawning I Look aliye I
Or men will swear I 'ye humbugged you ! "
•• All rijht I "said sleepy Trade. "ButstiU
My joints feel somewhat stiff or bo.
* In a pessimistio editorial article, opening the
new Tolume of the Invettor't Jleview,
Say^ hay e you passed that Irish Bill
Tou schemed— Aoto long was it ago f "
The ChanceUor subdued a curse.
Which scarce would senre for a reply.
But dallied with his well-filled purse.
And smiling, put the question by.
A TALL ORDER.
r" The Emperor William is to have the Orand
Order of the Imperial Chrysanthemum (the
Ja{>anese Ghurter) to add to his collection, * in reeog^
nition of the services rendered by German officers
to Japanese officers in instructing them in military
and naral science.' " — JDailg Chroniele,]
Oh, the Fatherland, the happy Fatherland,
With fresh happiness will hum.
When their Emperor shall the Order wear
Of the Jap Chry-san-the-mum I
He's **a daisy '^ now, as the world doth
know;
But, oh . won't he be thrice happy.
When he sports the badge of uie Golden
Of the cute and grateful Jappy ? [Fbwer
If John Chinakan in the little Jap
Has most surely caught a Tartar,
Jap learned to war 'neath the Teuton Star,
So will send him the Jap '' Garter."
Bull has giyen him tips, and has built him
But the Jap don't badge J. B. fships.
No I Peace and War, like most other things,
Are now ** made in Ger-ma-ny " 1
*' Sentdcbnt" fob Old-fashioned Play-
OOEES.— ** May that confounded * Woman with
a Past,' who monopolises the Present, haye
no Future!"
16
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Jahuakt 12, 1895.
A WINTER'S TALE.
StMvolerU Person {reeogninng an old proUgi). "Roqkbs, I 'm sorrt
TO 81S TOU IN THIS CONDITION 1 I VNDSILBTOOO TOU HAD TAKSN
THX PUCDOX I "
£og€r$. "You'm qui' ki', Sik. Only t' sxb the Water's
FBOZXN 'T THX MaIN DOWN OVB StBXKT 1 "
THAT PEECIOUS DONKEY!
[An Bpiaode in the Lift of A. Brie/Uts, Junior, Eaq., Barrister-at'Law,
ffi Three Fwrta.)
Pabt 1,—The Coming into Poe$ession of the Donkey,
•• Yx8, Sir," taid mv exoeUent and admirable clerk, Postington,
** he came here three times, about a month ago. We tfioaght he was
mad, so would not let bim in. But the tidrd time he left that
parcel and that letter. You see. Sir, they are tied together, and as
fhere was a bomb scare on at the time, we did not touch them.
That's how it comes. Sir, that you have not had them earlier."
I must confess 1 wan a little aanoyed. I frequently absent myself
from Pnmp-Handle Court for days and even weeks together, and then
£ exuect my clerical (I use the adjective in its non-ecclesiastical
sense) representatiye to forward my correepondeoce.
'* It cannot be helped, Pobtinoton/' I replied ; '* alll care for are
the interests of my clients. If the visitor was one anxious to lay his
case before me, I can only trust he has not suffered by my unpre-
meditated absence."
*' I do not think he will have to complain of that. Sir. And as to
his case, we don't know whether it is one ; none of ut like to toudi
the MToel, lest it should go off."
" Tou mean with a report— it must get reported," I suggested,
with a smile. I allow myself a Uttle frolicsome levity at Yuletide.
*'W«U, whereisitP"
" In your room. Sir," and PoBTmoiov led the way to my special
apartment.
I found my chamber tenanted by a miscellaneous collection of
articles. Truth to tell I do not use my rooms very frequently, and
consequently it has become a sort of a proverb amongst my co-par-
ceners in Pump-Handle Court, d propoe of anything^ a cumbersome
character, **When in doubt, put it into Bxixflx88*8 cupboard."
Not that I really occupy a cupboard ; my room (I lay the f>mphiwis
on the word) is far more commodious than the largest specimen of
those receptacles. Coaseauently, I was not altogetner surprised to
find collected together a oanjo-case, some curtain rods, a number of
framed pictures, and a damaged bicycle. In the centre of the room
was an oblong parcel, to which was tied an envelope, doubtless con-
taining an enclosure.
With some slight trepidation— I had no widh to accompany Pump-
Handle Court to the skies— I opened the letter. It ran as fdbws :—
••To A. Briefless, Junior, Bsq.— Dear and Honoured Sir,— I have
long desired to show you some token of goodwilL I have frequently
read your contributions to the leading legal paper of the da^ (L refer,
of course, to the London Charivari)^ and have oeen filled with admi-
ration at the clearness of your style and the depth of your knowledge
of what may be termed the duplex action of the human heart. As I
happen to be Emperor of China I write anonymously. I have
been ruined by law and the lawyers. You have never represented
me or opposed me. For this I am very, very grateful, and beg you
to accept the accompanying present. It is a But hush, we are
observed."
And at this point the document abruptly terminated. I read the
letter to Portinoton, and asked his opinion upon it. He replied
abruptly he ••considered the writer a lunatic."
•• Well, no, I do not think we can go quite so far as that," I
observed. •• You see, he seems to have some appreciation of my
talents. He may be a trifle eccentric, but I fancy nothing worse."
Encouraged by this belief in the sanitv of my semi-anonymous (I
use the epithet advisedly, as I take it tnat the inddentai claim to
the throne of the Celestial Empire was not urged seriously) corre-
spondent, I opened the package. The brown paper unwound and a
picture was revealed to us. It had evidently been painted for many
years. The frame (which, in Portington a opinion, was the best
portion of the structure) was distinctly old-fashioned. The gilding
was tarnished and the woodwork out of repair.
•• What is the subject P " I asked, after three or four minutes* close
inspection.
•*I think. Sir," replied my excellent and admirable derk, ••that
it 's something to do with a donkey."
Portington was right. Ondoser investi^tion the painting revealed
itself to be the representation of a cottage in the snow, with some vil-
lagers drawing water from a half -frozen pond in the neighbourhood
or a rather intelligent donkey, who was watching their proceedings
with languid interest.
•* Certainly it is a donkey," I exclaimed ; •• and, to my thinking, a
very fine one."
'* What shall we do with it. Sir P " asked Portington. '• It 's no
^^)od here ; shall I give it to the dustman P He would take it away
if we abked him."
For a moment I thought my derical (I use the adjective in its non-
ecclesiastical sense) remresentative was indulging in jocularity. I
found I was in error. Portington was absolutely serious.
•• You evidently do not know the value of some of these old frames.
Of course I shall take the picture with me to my private residence."
I carried out my intention. The canvas presentment of the donkey
and accessories was carefully conveyed in afour-wheder to Justinian
Gardens, where I have rented for some years a very pleasant houfle.
The lady who has honoured me by taking my name, and whom in
my more playful humour I sportivdy term my •• better seven-
eighths," reodved me.
^^ I hope you have brought the music from the Stores," said the
lady, after our first greetings. •• I buppose that package came from
Victoria Street?"
•• No, my predous one," I replied; I sometimes u»e terms of en-
dearment to the membm of mv domestic drde. *• It is a picture
given to me by a grateful dient.''
•*CUentI" die exclaimed: ••and a grateful one I What a
find I But why bring it here r Haven't we already more picture i
than we want r Why at this moment there *s half-a-dozen of extra
plates from the Christmas nxunbers that you would have framed,
waiting to be huoff."
•• But this, my love, is an oil-painting, with what I judge to be a
very valuable dd-fashioned frame."
By this time mv present was revealed.
•• Why. it 's only the picture of a donk» y I " exdaimed my better
seven-dgnths, witn a lau^h. •* We really don*t want that sort of
thing in the hall or reception rooms."
•* But it is really very fine ! " 1 urged. •• Look at the handling
of that donkey's ears. And the frame, too, is dmply magnificent."
•• I don't so much mind the frame. We might take out the |>icture
and put in • The Arrival of the Boulogne Boat^ the Christman
supplement to the Young Ladtfe Boudoir, in its steud. And yet it
is just as likdy as not to spoil it. No, I think we had better put
picture and frame in the box-room."
••But my dear," I remonstrated; ••this may be a very valuable
picture. The head of the donkey is quite remarkable and "
•• Now do we want portraits of donkeys about the house? The box-
Jamuabt 12, 1895.]
PDNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
room or the dnst-hole u the proper place for
I know Toa objected to mj own likeneBS
—yon flee the oonnection with the donkey,
dear F " I sometimes make rather hnmofons
remarks dnring the oontinaanoe of the f estiye
'* Don't be silly ! But this hideons thing
shonld really go into the box-room." And so
it went. Perhaps on a fntore oooasbn I may
trace the farther adventores of my mtefnl
dienfsgift. In my poor judgment they are
difltinotly interesting and instruotiye.
A DREAM OF THE NEW WOMAN.
Shb dreamed the doom that Fate prononnoes
Against the woman ceased to be,
She oreamed her brain weighed three more
ounces.
And was of finer quality.
Her iron nerves all fear derided.
She saw a mouse, but did not run.
With pockets she was well provided.
And she could fire a Maxim gun«
She had abjured each female folly.
Hygienic dress she always wore.
With stem, determined melancholy
The uniyerse she pondered o'er.
Of man in all respectathe equal.
At last her heart's desire was hers.
Oidy, like every other sequel.
Her sequel proved a touch perverse.
She sighed, ** My mind with facts is loaded,
No golden vision it retains.
Even Nirvana is exploded.
And, save the Atom, nought remains!
'* Each ray of light a mental prism
Must needs determine and arrest. -
Mylif e ia one long syllogism.
Without a parenthetic jest.
'* 1 who was wont to kneel revering.
In manly chivalry confide.
Am all alone my vessel steering—
And yet I am unsatisfied !
** The gingerbread has lost its gilding
That from afar apoeared subHme.
I for etermty am buudinff —
'Twas not amiss to build for time !
" The pilgrimage was long and painful.
Cheerless and cold the heights I win-
About me hangs a shadow baneful
Of the Eternal Feminine.
I, I have not learned m^ lesson I
I feel a frantic, mad despair.
I 'd like to put an evening dress on.
And many roses in my nair !
** My heart desires the old romances.
The fictions dear all facts above,
The fiowers, the ices, and the dances.
The days of youth, the days of —Love.
** That giddy whirl, that senseless splendour.
Was dear, although I said it bored-
Agnosticism 1 *d surrender
Once, once again, to be adored
** I wished my brain had three more ounces.
For them 1 bartered happiness ;
That brain the new rSgime denounces,
I wish it had three ounces less ! "
She woke. A subtle sense pervaded
Her mind of being someone great ;
But very speedily it faded.
And she regained her normal state.
SOiesaid: ** 1 'd beat them all at coUege
If I eonld have those ounces back ;
Only— I should not like my knowledge
To make me deverer than— Jack !^'
SiV
MARK TAPLEY REDIVIVU3.
* GH-CH-K-K-RKi(KK-N-N-NIO« S-S-S-dKASONABUB WSATHXB THIS, MaTS — K-K-KKK I '
ODYLLIC FOECE.
{Vide ** Daily Oraj^ie*' passim,)
Odtluc Force ! mystic power divine I
greater than magician's might! — of
course
Tou know the virtues of this gift of mine,
Odyllic Force!
I can command the vasty deep. I say
Unto the elemental storm-** Be stUl ! "
It mav be that the sea will not obey,
But ^hat of that ? Deny it if ve may.
Still 1 command ; still, still by night and
day
Despite all scorn, I exeruise m? will
And on the troubled surface of the main
Fresh from my soul, freiih from its limpid
source,
I pour my subtle influenoe — I rain
OdyUic Force.
I say unto the weather—'* Be thou fine ! "
And straightway, if it be not foul, 'tis
fair.
Nay, at my word the very sun will shine
If it should haply chance no clouds are
there.
And should the temperature not fall below
The freezing point, until the twenty-first
Frost shall be aU unknown, and ice and snow,
And plumbers; and the taps shall freely
fiow.
Nor shall the leaden pipes presume to show
The shadow of a tendency to burst.
Nay. if the weather be not somewhat cold
It snail be warm. The budding gems of
gold,
ShouldTthey appear, we shortly may behold
Flashing amid the prickles of the gorse.
So for the good of man, and beast, and
fiower
I diligently use my mystic power.
And ever exercise from hour to hour
Odyllic Force.
Thus do the elements obey my call.
Thus do I influence the Seasons' course
Thus do I exercise for great and small.
The king, the lord, the beggar, one and all, f "
OdyUic Force. ^^^-^^
18
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CSHARIVAM.
[Jakuabt 12, 1895.
I I I I I
• • • • •
LUy {from DwonMre, on a vitU to h$r Scotch Ooutm Margy in St. Andmos^ y,B.). " What ▲ srsAiros thing Fashiok u, Mabot I
Fakot ▲ Oua LiKB Golf BXAGHiKa up as fas Kobth as this 1 "
"WHO SAID— 'ATEOCITIES'P"
Ob, "Tbxbb 's Lctb ih thb Old Doo Ybt."
P'lt WM my fate, my fortune, about, I tliink,
eignteen yean ago to take an aetiye part with
regard to other outrages, which firtt came up in ^e
ihaoe of rumour, but were afterwards well rerified,
in Bulgaria. . . . Old as I am, my feelingi haye
not been deadened in regard to matters of such a
dreadful description."— ifr. OladttoneU Birthday
Sfueh at Haioardm, IkeamUr 29, 1894, on th4
alUgfd Armtnian Atrowtiet,"]
RbtixxmentF Oh, rabUshl Tykesoorrish
or oubhish
May oarl up in kennels, or snng np in straw,
Bnt dop of right mettle to rest willnot settle, *
While sight 's in the eye, and while snap's
in the jaw.
A bed in a bosket? MeremonpebmaTaskit.
A oonoh and a cushion F They 're lap-dog
delights.
But pluck and true breeding, such comforts
unheeding.
Desert laps and hearth-rugs for frolics and
fights.
Retired I Howratschodlel like **J2a5" the
imflAortiu
This dog scorns dull rest, and is still '^rough
on rats."
As always delighting in" plenty fedhting,"
He ivicks up his ears at a whisper of
'^s-s-soafel"
Aslumber and dreaming F Oh, that is mere
seeming,^
Curled up taol to muzzle in cosiest sort.
His hairs are a-bristle at whisper or whistle
That gives the least promise of scrimmage or
sport
On rats he's still ruthless I They may think
him toothless, [fangs.
Those red Turkish rodents idioonce fclthis
Ah I eighteen years earlier his coat was much
curlier,
Now white and wfaispy sparse-scattered it
hangs.
But years though they roughen his hide.
seem to toughen
land]
tyke.
The musdee Mid nerres of this rare sporting
The rattling did ratter is stUl game to
scatter
A pitful of yermin, of what breed you like.
The Istamboul sort are his f aTOurite sport,
Rabid rodents who rayen, red-fanged, in
foul hordes,
Turoo sewer-bred legions, who earth's fairest
regions
Would rayage like Taxerlaitb's Tartar-
swung swords.
Terrors untameable, horrors unnameable,
Mark their maraudings and hang on their
track.
Now in fresh numbers they swarm, whilst he
slumbers
Who once was the plague of the pestilent
pack.
But — Who 9aidr^AtroeUia9f Old animosi-
ties
Wake in his spirit and stir in his blood.
EhF WhatF RetirementF Nay, not if
requirement,
Or prospect of sport, moye the old cham-
pion's mood.
His heart has not deadened; his old eyes
haye reddened
With loye of the fray and the old righteous
wrath.
The yarmint old ratter his old foes would
scatter.
** Auld Rah " once again will be on the
war-path I
'BON JOUR, PHILIPPINE!''
" Thbt grew in beauty side by side.
They fliled one home with glee "—
Until that eyening at dessert
Tou passed the nuts t( me.
Then came the ** crack of doom," the
twins
No sooner had you seen
Than, "Oh. what funi" you said,
"we'll haye
A Bon four^ PsiLiPPDnB I "
** They grew in beauty side by aide.
They tilled one home with glee "—
Until they found respectiye grayes
Alas I in you and me.
And then to win a gift next mom
We yowed with solemn mien.
Whoe'er should greet the other first
With •• Bon four, Phiuppihb I "
" Bon four "—I dreamt of it all night,
At dawn recalled it yet.
But dean forgot it wmlst I shayed—
At breakfast then we met.
I 'd only time, I know, to think
Maid sweeter ne'er was seen.
When you, with laughter-dancinff eyes,
Crieo, *• Bon four, Philippihb I "
And BO you won a gift from me,
And onose that Ishould write
These yerses, which I 'ye pondered o*er
For many a sleepless night I
I 'U neyer crack another nut.
When you are there, I mean ;
Tet may you greet me often— saye
With '^Bon four, PHiUPPDrB ! "
Motto fob Mobebit Mavaoebs.— The
proper study of (theatre-going) Mankind is
— ^tne New Woman, ^ ^^^ '*^ 3^ t-w
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL^Januabt 12, 1895.
SSf/Att^ *t
" WHO SAID-' ATEOCITIES ' P
»»
{After the Popular Engraving.)
••OLD AS I AM, MY FEELINGS HAVE NOT BEEN DEADENED IN EEOARD TO MATTERS OF SUCH A
DREADFUL DESCRIPTION/'— Jfr. OladtUme'e Birthday Speech at Hawarden on the Armenian Atrocities, December 29.
Digitized by
Google
January 12, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
THE VESTEYMAN.
A GoMic SoNo FOB Skbiovs Ck)N-
SIDKRATION.
',(By an Elderly Victim of
BvmbUdcm,)
[« The London Testriefl uid Boardii
of Works hare not exactly corered
themMlree with glory in tJlrir deal-
iDgi with the recent mowfalL In
Tory few neighboarhoods was any
attenq>t made on Wednesday to re-
more the slush, and Nature haring
taking her course during the night,
in the direction of a frost early
yesterday morning, the streets in
many places were absolutely im-
passable for wheeled tra£Sc until a
liberal layer of sand and grarel had
been spread." — i>at^ ChnmieU,
Jmmairy 4.]
Am—" The Bogie Man:'
OoMS, gather round me, rate-
payers,
So full of fun and glee ;
New Bumble '8 going to play the
fool
To please the L. C. C.
The? swear that he is able
ImproTements for to plan ;
I lore to hear Progressiyes say,
'^Hnsh! The New Yestry-
Slush! SkuhU siushfH
Where is the Vestnrman P
Are broom and shovel ready ?
What is his brand new plan ?
Oh, Slush I Slush! SluHhf-
The footways never ran
With a worse slithery slippery
slop.
'Neath the Old Vestryman.
When I sit down, impromptu,
All in a soft flnow-pie ;
Or slide a yard, then come down
hard,
I groan, and wonder wh?.
I blow my hlue numb fingers,
I watch a f a^it-stnok van ;
Refnfm, I orv, seems all my eye.
Where; is that Vestryman ?
Chorus,
Slush f Slush ! ! Slush / ! I
Why is this, Vestryman P
Is this the outcome shady
Of the Progressiye plan P
Oh. Slush! Slush! Shish!
No gravel, sand, or tan !
All slip and slop. I 'd like to whop
That blessed vestryman ! ! !
GRADATION.
CUrk (to Curate), "I'm tebribub borrt, Zub, that tou bb ▲-
OWAINB TO LAVB US. Wx 'VE OHAMOXD XYXB ZO MANY TIMES 8IN0X
PaSSXN GbBBN DDID, and ALWAYd FOR THE WUSS!**
TBAVELS nr TA7FT.LAHD; OR,
WALES BLownra.
[The Flint Town Council has oeniured the L. A
N. W. Bailway for dismiMinr some of iu Mryants
for ignoranoe of the Eagliih language.]
Would you tell me, Porter, if the next
tnin is the one for Aberystwyth ?
I am really very much ohUged for your
rej^y, but as I have not a Cjrmric dictionary
at nand, I am totally unable even to guess at
your meaning.
As the man points to the train which is now
at the platform, and nods vigorously, I sup-
pose he means me to get in. Still, the fact
that it has ** Llanrhyohwyn '* on it makes me
a little doubtful whether I shall ever reach
Aberystwyth if I enter it.
I am grateful for your attention, Gnard,
hot it was a foot-warmer that I asked for,
not the newspaper-boy.
As I have just beoi hurled down aa em-
bankment andfind mybelf sitting much bruised
in a shallow pond in a field close to the line, I
really fancy that the Welsh-speaking signal-
man at the adjoining cabin has failed to
understand the message wired to him in
English from our last stopping station.
I ^uld be glad, Stationmaster, if you would
kindly have a telegram sent to my friends
saying that I have only four ribs broken.
As you do not appear to understand what
I say, and as I suppose there is nobody who
knows English in this desolate Welsh valley
where the sufferers from the accident are
lying, perhaps you will kindly have us all
sent oack to Shrewsbury as soon as possible.
The man lying next to me, whose arm is
hurt, says that the train was not going to
Ab^nystwyth at all. So perhaps it is as well
that circumstances have prevented my pro-
ceeding further in it.
We should undoubtedly have heen much
better off if this accident had happened to us
in France or Germany, hecause then we should
have heen able to secure the services of the
railway interpreter.
Thank Heaven! I am hack at Chester,
where the hotel people do talk English ; and
in future I shall vote steadily at elections
against any ^arty that does not make the
total suppression of all so-called ** national
tongues'' within the British Isles a part of
its recognised programme.
OUE BOOKINQ.OPFICE.
Mb. Eudolf Lehmanv pos-
gceses some gifts which pecoliarly
qualify him to write the volume
SMITH. EiJ>EB & Co. publish,
^nder the title An Artists Remi-
niscenees. He has passed the age
of three-score and ten. and has
throughout that period had manv
, opportunities of seeing places, and,
more precious, of meeting people.
To the study of both he orings
keen sight, a good memory, and a
genuine, not too obtrusive, sense
of humour. Bom in Hamburg in
1819f he has sojourned in most of
the capitals of Europe, perma-
nently wttling down to marriage
and life in London. He seems to
have known most of the notable
personages of the middle and
tatter half of the century. His
wide acquaintance with ro^ty
(some of them mad) would be
appalling if it were not men-
honed with winning modesty.
The volume abounds in good
<ttories, my Baronite T>articularly
detighting in one pertoining to the
ceremony of prorogation of parlia-
ment by the Qitben. Mr. Leh-
HAjsrs was much struck with the
spectacle of the old Doke of Wrl-
LnroTOW carrying the sword of
state. Lord Lansdowne bearing
the crown, and the Marquis of
WnrcHESTEB with the cap of
maintenance set on red velvet
cushion. At Lady Granville's
the same evening he asked Lord
GRAinriLLB what was the signifi-
cance of the cap of maintenance.
It was one of the few things
Lord GRAif viLLE did not know.
** But," he said, ** there is Lord
Winchester, who carried it this
morning. I will go and ask
him." The two peers conversed
in a whisper, and Lord Gran-
ville, returning to his inquiring
friend, said, •* He does not know
either." Mr. Lehmann inciden-
tally mentions that his brother
Henrt*8 first success, at the Sslon of 1835,
was gained hv a picture setting forth **Le
Dipart du jeune Tobie." At that date
ToBT had not even arrived to take his place
on the volumes in his master's study, and,
still less, was he M.P. for Barks. It only
shows how prophetic is the soul of genius.
The Baron de Book- Worms. ' [
NEW YEAR REFLECTION.
(By an Old-faihioned Fellow.)
** Goodwill to man I" the dear old carol
saith.
Ah me I Then why so much mean personal
pother?
We're credulous of aught that means the
scathe
Of a sad sister, or a stumbling brother.
Men are like stout John Buntan's '* Little
Faith"—
Save in believing evil of each other I
There faith indeed is strong ; but 'tis a rarity
That such strange Faith is found combined
with Charity !
Mem. bt a Muser. — Many a spouting
member of the '* Independent Laboor Tarty"
is a '* party" who wishes to be independent
of labour. Hardie Norsemen, please note \i^
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[jANDAbT 12, 1895.
Januabt 12, 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
TO JULIA'S POCKET.
[The ideal lady*! pocket, thai ihall at once be
aooeiable to ita owner and defy the footpad'i art,
has yet to be inyented.— ^#arf e/ Tauiolofut.]
Mt Julia's chaste and winsome oheer.
Her comely lip, her coral ear.
And eke her Knickerbocker gear, —
These be the theme of rhyming folk.
Whereof the skill I here invoke
In malediction of her poke ;
la that it passeth hnman wit
By sleight of hand withal to hit
Upon me pathless track of it.
Though Jttlia's self therein dispose '
That napkin with the which she blows
For sorry rheum her Greekish nose,
Not if she search with heayy pain
Shall she by taking thought attain
To look upon the tning again ;
To him alone of mortal day
That picketh pokes beside the way
Their deeps are open as the day.
Whenas her alms she would disburse.
In vain she probeth for her purse.
Whereat the beggars shrewdly curse ;
Even so their teeth do felons gnash
That lightly lift her ready cash.
Which ne that stealeth stealeth trash.
Oft-times she doth full braydy hold
Her breezy reticule of gold
Within her digits' dainty fold ;
As certain maids, I well belieye.
Do wear th' affections on their sleere
For any worthless wight to reave.
But though her purse not suffer rape.
Mischance is like in other shape
To put on her a saucy jape ;—
If so my lady at the mart
For very joyaunce of her heart
Do. purchase her a pasty-tart.
Let her not make essay to bring
So beauteous and frail a thing
Within her poke*s encompassing ;
Lest, sitting down with weary stress,
Unheedful of its buxomness,
fflie make a right unseemly mess I
Certee a man purblind may see
For these offences needs must be
Some comfortable remedy ;
Whoso deviseth such an one,
I trow that his invention
Shall soothly pouch the peerless bun.
NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Perfflexed, — ^You are entirely in error in
supposing that the member for Otlev, Yorks.
has, in aoceptiog a baronetcv, aesoendea
from a higher estate. Tou have been deceived
by similarity of sound. The hon. member
was not of the same rank as a statesman (who
we observe has just repaired to his country
seat at Pinley Park, where he will entertain
His Serene Highness the Due db Ssidlitz-
PoTTDBs) to whom Sir Robert Peel used to
allude in the House of Commons as " the
noble Baron." In becoming Sir Johk Bab-
bait, Bart., the member for Otley gains a dis-
tinct step in the podal ladder.
BUnd, Deaf^ and Dumb,— -We are pleased
to be able to reassure yon. The fact that you
have not lately heard or read speeches by Sir
WiuJAX Habooitbt is no evidence tiiat tiie
treble disability under which you unhappily
OertnuU. ** Mr dbab Jbssib, what oh babth is that Biotolb Suit foe f "
Jessie. "Why, to wear, of ooitbse." Otrirude, "But you haven't got a Biotolb 1"
Jsstie, " No ; but I 've got a Sewiho Machine I "
labour is increasing. There is a well known
case, dted in Littleton upon Coke, where a
man was not able to see the Spanish fleet
" because it is not yet in sight." For analo-
gous reason you have not latdy heard any-
thing of the Chancellor of the £x-
CHBQUEB. He has not been speaking. The
fact is, the Squibb of Malwood — ^to use a
title by which he is locally known, and in
which he most rejoices— was cut out for a
rustic reduse. Circumstances have, unwil-
Ungly, dragged him into the front of politics,
and he has done the duty that lies to his
hand. When opportunity can be made he
takes his leisure at his lodge in the New
Forest, and meditates on the untimdy fate of
his pre-?lantagenet forbear Williatc Kufur.
Nevertheless, we are not without suspidon
that Sir William Habcoubt shares the pecu-
liarity of Cabltle, of whom you will re-
member his wife shrewdly remarked that
" his love for dlence is platonic" If you
keep your ears open and your mouth shut,
you may probably, before long, hear the
familiar voice resounding from a public
platform.
A Shakspearean Student.— We had not
before heard of the inddent. It is, however,
quite posdble, as you have been informed,
that when the Marquis of Salisbubt, K.G.,
heard of the defection of the Earl of Bucx-
meHAMSHiBE, who has joined the Liberal
fcoroes, the only remark he made was " Off
with his hwd/
liLii^cu uy
-^^
24
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Januabt 12, 1895.
OVEEHEABD FEAOMEHT OF A DIALOOUE
Lord lUingtoorth, My dear Gk>BfirG, I afsure you that a well- tied
tie is the first teriotis step in life.
Lord Gortng^t/iY dear iLUNewoBTH, fire well-made button-holes
a day are far more essential. They please women,
and women rule sooiety.
Lord IlUn^worth, I understood you oonsidered
women of no importance ?
Lord Ooring, My^ dear Geobob, a man*s life re-
volves on curves of intellect. It is on the hard lines
of the emotions that a woman*s life progresM^. Both
' revolve in cycles of masterpieces. They should re-
volve on hi-cydeff ; bailt, it possible, for two. fiut
I am keepings you ?
Lord lUingworth, I wish you were. Nowadays it is
only the poor who are kept at the expense of the rich.
Lord Goring, Yes. It is perfectly comic, the
number of young men goinff about the world nowa-
days who adopt perfect profiles as a ufteful profession.
Lord lUingtoorth, Surely that must be the next
world ? How about the GhQtem Thousands ?
Lord Gorinq, Don't. Grobob. Have you seen
WiBDEBMEBE lately? Dear Wnn)EBMBBE* I should
like to be exactly unlike Wnn>EEMRBB.
Lord lUingworth, Poor Windebmkbk I He spends his mornings
in doing what is possible, and his eveninRrs in saying what is probable.
By the way, do you really understand idl I say?
Lord Goring, Yes, when I don't listen attentively.
Lord lUingworth, Reach me the matches, like a good boy— thanks.
Now — define these cigarettes— a^ tobacco.
Lord Gorinq, My dear Geobob, they are atrocious. And they
leave me unsatisfied.
Lord lUingtoorth, You sre a promising disciple of mine. The
only UPC of a disciple is that at the moment of one's triumph he
stands behiod one*s chair and fhouts that after all he is immortal.
Lord Gorinq, You are quite right. It is as weU, too, to rememb r
from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be learnt.
Lord lUingtoorth, Certainly, and ugliness is the root of all industry.
Lord Gortng. Geobob, your conversation is delightful, bat jour
views are terribly unsound. You are always saying insincere things.
Lord lUingworth, If one tells the truth, one is sure sooner or later
to be found out.
Zorrf G^onn^. Perhaps. The sky is like a hard hollow s>iT)phire. It
is too late to sleep. I shall go down to Govent Chirden and look at the
: roses. Good-night, Geobob I I have had such a pleasant evening !
"Full of good
things!"
DEATH IN THE CUP.
[** The social duty of payinir calls, refreshed, as it neoetsarily is, by frea oent
cups of tepid tea, is appsrentiy little better than a process of slow poisoa-
iog."— DoOy Ori^hie,]
Oh, here 's a pretty state of things I Whenever you go calling,
And take this deadly liquor and imbibe it without stint, J
You're certainly prepenng a
catastrophe appallin^^ ^^^
Your mirth is as the little
lamb's, unmindful of the
mint.
And when your entertaioer, who
seems so sweetly pladd
And quite unlike a criminal,
suggests **Another cup ?''
She might as well be offering a
dose of prussic acid.
And the Public Prosecutor
ought to take the matter
up!
"The cup that cheers" — that
hackneyed phrase
frightfully^ in error.
If seldom it " inebriates " (it does^ the doctors plead),
There lurks within its fatal draught a more efficient terror,
'Twill shortly make a funeral your one and only need I
So since a dailjr cup or two the thin end of the wedge is.
And since this revelation of our danger has been made.
We all will wear red ribbons and will sign the strictest pledges.
And speedily inaugurate an *' Anti-Tea" crusade.
A word to 5 ou, Amaitda mine. Unless your cmel kindness,
Yoor efforts to consign me to an early grave, shall cease.
And if you dare, presuming on my long-continued blindness.
To ofFer me a cop of tea— I '11 send for the police !
IB *< A word to you, Amanda mmel
Thb Timb of Dat.— Good, after NBWvBfl to find the stjle
" Bart" The bestowal of the baronetcy quite a Tit-Bit for the
Strand. But there is no truth in the report that the event will be
followed by the establishment of a new morning paper to be called
The Dragon, and edited by Sir Gbobob.
THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH.
IX.— Of Goal.
The County CouncU has solved the rreat Mud-
ford mystery py deciding in favour of Mrs. Abblb
Mabcf, who is in the seventh heaven at being
the Seventh Councillor. A wise L^slature had
it in contemplation that possibl:^ when the great
measure came to be worked, it might not be round
to act, however much you pulled the string, and
it was accordingly left to the County Council to
set on its le^s any poor little Parish Coundl which
might have been brought into the world without
its fall number of members. Thus it came about
that Mrs. Mabch srot elected. The actual dr-
cumstsnces of her election gave rise to some com-
ment. She was proposed by the Primrose League
RuliDg Councillor of one sdjoining parish, and
seconded by the Knight Harbinger of another.
Our County Council is a strongly Tory body, and
she was eaf ily elected. There was a great outcry
against this, aa an act c f polil ical parti» anship. It
was. But when it became known that Mrs.
Lbtham Havitt's friends and supporters were all
avowed Radicals, popular indignation seemed
suddenly to flicker out.
It may be, however, that the indiflpiation only
transferred itself to me, for I myself nave got, in
a most ezt ra^'rdinary and unexneoted fashion, into
a great hobble. It arose in this wa;|r. Having
Ven elected on to the Parish Council at the top
of; the poll, and having, moreover, been subse-
quently the recipient of innumeraole congratu-
lations from m^ fellow-parishioners, I not unna-
turally—so I still venture to think— desired in
some way to show) my appreciation of the kind
'-%^
SYMPATHY WANTED—
For the Man whote Cellar o«mft
undone every time he tries to do up
his Tie.
treatment I had received. I accordingly deter-
mined to make to every elector a pireaent of coals,
uid to carry out that intention issued the following
circular: —
To ihe Electors o/Mud/ord,
Ladibb abb Gbbtlbmbb,- For your kindness
in electing me at the top of the poll, I can find no
terms sufficiently warm to express myself. In
commemoration of the great occasion, and as a
small thankcffering for my return, I beg your
acceptance of the enclosed Toal Ticket, which will
entiue you to 2 owt. of coal from any of the village
coal dealers.
Your obliged and obedient servant,
Timothy Wnrxiira.
I sent this to every elector, high or low, rich or
poor. I hardly imagined that the Squire would
want coal, but he was a oonstitnent oi mine, and
he had his ticket Whst has been the result of
my generosity ? This.- Whilst almost ever v coal-
tiSk&t hss hem used, I am denounoed right and
left in unmeasured terms as an unscrupulous
briber. Miss Phill Bubtt (who, as might be
expected, has been most kind and sympathetic
about the whole thing), tells me that even the
Squire paid it was a very ingenious way of wishing
myself Many HaT>py Betums to the Parish CouneiL
A poor joke, 1 think, but an undeniably excellent
sneer. Black Bob in, as might be expected,
much more plain and direct in his denunoiatioiL
He says, that if I stand for re-election— in April,
1896 1— this ought to be enough to unseat me. A
Sleasant prospect. I can do nothing. My boats,
ke my coal, are burnt.
What happened at the Parish ConneU meeting
last night I must leave— till my next.^ l ^
January 19, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
25
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
[By Mr, Punch's own Short Story -UlUr,)
I.-THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS.
Thb island of SeringaiMitam is without exaggeration one of the
fairest jewels in the imperial diadem of onr world-wide possessions.
Emhosomed in the blue and sparkling wavelets of the Pacific Ocean,
breathed npon by the spicy breezes that waft their intoxioatingr per-
fumes through endless groves of gigantic acacias, feathery tern
trees, and gorgeously coloured Indian acanf hoids ; studded with the
glittering domes of a profusion of ja«per palaces beside which the
trumpery spleDdourA of Windsot or Versailles are but as dust, and
guarded by the loyal devotion of an ancient warrior race noted not
less for the supreme beauty of its women than for the matchless
onurage and endurance of its men, the Kingdom of Seringapatam
offered during a period of more than one hundred years a stubborn
remstance even to the arms of the all-conquering Briton«. So great
indeed, was the respect extorted
from the victors by the vanquished ^
that when, owing to the marvel- /
lous strategy of my old friend
Major-G«nenl Sir Boitamt Bat-
TLEHORW, K.C.B., K.C.M.G., the
island was finally subdued, it wa<i
agreed that in all but their an-
knowledgment of a British Suze-
rainty and the payment of an
annual tribute of fifteen hundred
gold lakhs, the proud islanderH
were to maintain their independ-
ence and to continue those formf>
of government which long tradi-
tion had invested in their eyes
with all the sanctity of a religion.
I had been present with my
dear father at tne great battle of
the Dead Marshes by which th«
fortunes of the islanders werp
finally shattered. Never shall I
forget the glow of exultant grati-
tude with which towards the end
of the day gallant old Sir Bonau t
came cantering towards me on hi««
elephant. ** Thank you, thank
3roa a thousand times, my dear
Oklaitik)," said the glorious vete-
ran as he approached me; '*it
was that last charge of yours at
the head of your magnificent
Thundershakers that has con-
verted defeat into victory, and
asBoied Westminster Abbey to the
bones of Bonavt Battlehorn.
AU that is now necessary," he con-
*'Fair and fiiU I caught him.*'
tinned, riring in his stirrups and waving his sword, '*is that you
should complete the work that you have begun. Dost see tnat
battery of nfty guns still served by the haughty remnants of the
Seringapatamese bombardiers ? I^et them be captured, and nothing
will stand between us and the Diamond City of tne Kanee."
I needed no further incitement. Gathering round me the few
Thundershakers who had escaped unscathed, I bade the standard-
bearer unfurl the flag of the brigade. In another moment we were
npon them. Cuttinj;, slashing, piercinfir, parrying, trampling.
cruKhing, we dashed into the midst of the foe. Far over the field of
carnage sounded our war-cry, the famous " Higher up Bayswater !"
which was to our horses as the prick of spur. In vain the doughty
bombardiers belaboured us ; in vain did they answer with the awful
shout of ** Benkcitibenk," which none hitherto had been able to
withstand. The work was hot, but in less than three minutes the
hattery was ours, and the broken host of the Ranee was streaming
in full flight down the slopes from which so lately they had dealt
death amongst the English army. In another moment we had
limbat>d ux>— two men to each gun, except the largest, which was
assigned to me as the chief of the band— and belter skelter down the
hill we went, and so, with shouting and wiUi laughter, deposited
onr spoils at the feet of the British GeneraL
I do not recount this incident in order to magnify my own exploits.
My deeds themselyes are my best record, those d.eeds which a
factious majority in successive Parliaments has, to its everlast-
ing shame, refused to recognise, but which not even ihe voice of
malice, always busy in the task of depreciating genuine achieve-
ment, can rob of one particle of their brilliant and immortal lustre.
But the fight is indissolubly conupcted with the stirring story wMch
I have here set out to relate, and for this reasr n alone have I
mentioned it. During the brief struggle round the guns I became
▼01. ovni.
momentarily separated from the main body of my men. Seizing
the opportunity, and noticing, too, that in the previous meUe I had
been unhorsed, two gigantic artillerymen made at me. My swdd
was broken , my revolver was empty ! What was I to do ? But
little time for reflection was left to me. With savage shouts tiie two
dusky Titans sprang upon me. I gave myself up for lost, shut my
eyes, thought of my poor mother, saw in a flash my happy country
home,^ the thatched roofs of the cottages, the grey old cnurch, the
babbling stream, the village school, the little shop where my infant
mouth had first become acquainted with the succulent bull's-eye— in
short, I went through all the symptoms that are understood to
acoomiMuiy the imminence of a violent death. Suddenly, however,
the desire to live awoke once more. The smaller of my two foes had
outstripped his companion. He was just about to seize me, when,
lowering my head, which was encased m a sp&ed helmet, I bounded
at him. Fair and full I caught him, and so terrific was the force
engendered by my spring and the foeman's rush, that not the spike
alone, but the helmet and the head too, pierced him through and
through.
Down on his back he fell crash-
ing, bearing me with him as he
went over and fixing the spike
firmly in the eanOi, pinned like
some huge beetle by a numan pin.
As my legs flew up tiiey encoun-
t^*ed the second giant, and,
winding round his chest, crushed
every vestige of life out of him
and flung his mangled body full
twenty yards to the rear. I had
escaped, but my position was still
uncomfortably awkward. By this
time, however, the rout was com-
Slete, and four of my men, by
int of tremendous exertions, suc-
ceeded in extricating me from my
curious entanglement. My pinned
foeman turned out to m the
Ranee's brother, Hadjit ThIk
Mbebhot. We bore him back
with us to camp, where, marvel-
lous to relate, after a prolonged
illness, he eventually recovered.
Of course he has never been
Suite the same man since. He
as to be caref ol about his diet,
but with the childlike simplicity
of an Oriental he finds a constant
pleasure in opening and shutting
the little aluminium doors whi(£
our dear old surgeon, Tobt
O'Gbadt, constructed to replace
the Khan's stomach and the
small of his back. I came to be
great friends with him, and it
was through him that I gained the knowledge which prompted the
adventure I am now about to relate.
{To he continued,)
A WORD ABOUT THE ST. HENRY JAMES'S THEATRE.
Thshb is something in a name, especially when it happens to be
the title of a play. At the St. James's, Mr. Alexaitbsb's latest
venture has beoa Quy DomviUe, by the American novelist HsNitT
Jambs, who if he knew as much about play-writing as he does about
novel-writinff would probably be in the nrst flight of dramatists ;
and he woula not have (^osen so hopeless a name for his hero and for
his play as Ouy IhmviUe, For the anti- James jokers would delight
in finding that Ouy could be ** guy'dy** and to say as to '* Domviue "
that ** a first night audience ' vtU dam ' the play." For all that, if
Albxaitbkr be me sagaaous commander in the dramatic field that he
has hitherto shown himself, it is not likely that he should have been
completely mistaken in accepting a play which a portion of the public
has refused to accept. Of course, a manager oanrot afford to keep a
play going until the public come en masse to see it, and therefore,
unless there is '* a turn of the tide " fand such things have happened
before now, and a condemned piece has had a long and prosperous
career), Mr. Albxakdbr will himself be obliged to do to the play what
those who ridicule and chaff it have already done, i.e. '* takis it off.*^
Mbs. R. admits that she has always been veiy fond of swcMsts at
dinner. What she is especially fond of is, she says, *'a dish of
pommes d^ Ananias ; " and she always adds, " But, my dear, why
tjie French choose such awful name/^ fjc^f^i^c^ ni^^e^thi^sjsj'hat^
iiever can understand." ^ ^ o
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
[Januart 19, 1895.
"QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!"
Ahdwrahnum Khan (to himtelf). ** I thikk this 'll fbtoh 'Em I "
[** Shoald the Ameer happily aocompliflh the risit to this coimtiy on which he has set his heart, he may be assured of tYLnAfStm welcome due to
» who, since his accession to supreme power in Afghanistan, has been the steady friend of Great Bn.tMnJ*—Timet,^^^^^ ^ y^^ C „^ .^ ^
■■ - ^. ■ r- : r- ^'-^-- ^^^ i ^ ^ '^ ^
Jaituabt 19, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL
A MOST ENTERTAINlftlG OCCUPATION,
SMtTHSOITf HAVniB EICINTLT BOUGHT A OoUNTRr PlAOS AKD GOITE lif TOR SPCiET, HAS BEEN AI>ViaiLD BT A FmHID TO IK*
BIS OWN BXlHCIdlKO DURIKO HA^D WKATEEB, " A» TI INflCESa YOUE HOESM AOAlNgT THl K20LKCT OF GrOOKS» AKD ALSO KSEFS
TOtr IN FORM.'* iffe truis il, ofui fitids U^as above.
THE DANDY AFGHAN KHAN.
(Cabulee VerHon, oj a papulae Oomic Son§.)
Ai»— '* The Dand^ Coioured CoonJ^
Ameer ^ dresungfar u pro/ceted Viiii^ sings ^^
Fools called me a mere *'Kigger" wtea 1 felt Dame Forfcuae'a
frown ^
0p and down -I have known ;
But now the folks all say, " Why, you 're fit to wear a crown.
I) lack or brown— you Ve won renown."
Now a lot of gtjsdps they patter and spy.
Someone sa^a, " He wants to have the Mofloovite hard by,"
" Muscovite ! " said I,—** hard by !— yon ^re mistooken !
This Ameer want* to see no Mmcovite.
Not at an I— not a hit J—
'Tain t for him at all the Afghan crown is meant I "
"Qoml "-«y Qiey,— " Who ia it f "
Chorus.
'* Wh J, it 'b Ab-dxjb-sahmav. son of Afzul, wm of Dost Moham-
MBD. means to role the neroe Aighan !
Don't you know me P— Go on I— Well, you taill, my ,
For I 'm Ab-dxtb-sahxak the dandy Afghan KhanI
Now a man like me is a terror to the tribes.
The Shinwaris,— the Ghilzais I
And Ibhax Khait and others found me galling to their kibes,
When reyoltt— th^ would raise.
They 'to been putting it about the Ameer is ilL
(Wouldn't they ddirikt to administer a pill I)
*' Ameer, you're lUr-martal ill I "—but I wasn't
Tou 'ye paMtation," the quidnuncs state,
^' From your solof-to Tour soalp.
uauLK at flamaioand makes your heart palmtatel "
•• Go <m I "-said I,— " nary paft I "
C%oni«.— For I 'm Ab-dub-bahxav, &o.
Now I 'Te long had an ambition to far England for to go,
Don*t yott know^ — that is so I
See Eodpresa-Queen Yictobia and Mister WaL£3 also.
I 'm asked to ^o— to that show I
The Empress- Queen to visit me doeau*t earo.
iAnd doubtlesa Afghan fashions might make Victoeia star&)
But there— I swear— I '11 go !— and 1 *m going 1
Men may say " It 's the Shah that this show 'e about ! "—
And another " You >e an a&s. Sir !
'Taint the Shah-in-Shah at all— you 're a long way out 1 "—
*^ Go on ! *'-he *U aay»-" ain't it Nabs^e P "
ChofUi.—Eo, iVa AB-ntrE-EAHiiAjr, &o.
So 1 ^11 dress the part as near as can be,
Please JoHit B.— don't yon see I
My close-fitting lambswool and silver filagree,
Empress V,— might find " free."
Should the tribesmen twig this peculiar rig
Thev'd think their Ameor had turned Infidel Pig.
What a toff I— Well, I 'U say— I 'm here— to see the Empress I —
What is that *' ooon" all the oomios sing about P
Mister Bbowk— Johk Jaicxbi
If as to me Mister Bull has a doubt,
. Go <m I— I 'U say.— My names P
Chorus.
Why, they're Ab-dub-eahicav, son of Ajzul, son of Dosi
Mahomhxd, wearer of the Afghan Crown.
Don't you know me P— Go on P— Well, you will Tery soon.
For I 'm Ab-dub-bahkajt Khav, the dandy Afghan ooon I
" Halb Fillow, will lorr."— '* Pubbi Blako, the hale Sayoyard
of eighty-eight, took his usual plaoe in the French Chamber," reports
the 2¥mMCon6qKmd0nt last we^L, "and detLyered one of his cus-
tomary addresses."
What a oharming party of three,
BiSMAacx, Blaxo, and Mr. G.,
Decidedly r&j maoh sliYe,^ou by
Uaited ages Two Fonr Five
Googh:
28
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Januabt 19, 1896.
COUNTER-IRRITATION.
A Study at a Wintbb Sals.
THAT PfiECIOUS DONKEY !
(An Episode in the Life of A, BrieJUss, Junior^ £aq,, Barrister-cU'Law,
vn Thru FarU,)
Pabt XL— rA« Pasting of the Picture.
It may be remembered that the gift of mj ^tefol if eooentric
client had bean put in the box-room at Justinian Gardens. There
the presentment of the donkey lan^dly watohine jaded viUagers
reposed, amidst the possibly oongenial surroundinffs of bri^en
perambulators, superannuated folding-doors, and naif-forgotten
wide-awake hats. I rather regretted the fate of tiie pict^ure, as it
seemed to me that it might haye served as a not invaluable adver-
tisement. As a large proportion of the forensic world knows, I not
infrequently during the i uletide season entertain some of my friends
at the Bar, and I should have been pleased to have been able to point
to the canvas as a sort of testimoniaL However, the painting had
diBappeared, and there was nothing more to be said about it.
I am reminded bv this reference to my vacation entertainments,
that it was at one of " these feasts of reason and flows of soul'* (as
my learned and distinguished friend AppLKBLoaeoM, Q.C., is kind
enough to call them) that my fortunes underwent a change for the
better. The inhabitants of Justinian G-ardens are accustomed to do
things very well. When there is a ball, the number of vehicles
(alwavs with one horse apiece, and sometimes with a pair) is quite
considerable. On such occasions a stranger might imagine that the
Gardens had the advantage of a chrome cab-stand. At 97 (which
I think I may describe as our show-house) there is a butler, and
there are few at Justinian Gardens who cannot boast of a " buttons."
I do not secure the services of a man-retainer myself, and am con-
sequently not quite in the fashion. However, whea I entertain, I
do my best to be worthj; of the preUige of my neighbours, and put
forth all my strength in making mv house an object of interest.
The walls of my modest dwelling-place are adorned with several
mementoes of mv not - altogether - common - place career. For
instance, I have had my commission as a Lieutenant of Yolunteers
(I served for many vears in the Biidiop's Own, and was graciously
permitted by Her Majesty to retire with my rank) glazed and
framed, and have treated th e pa steboard distinctions I won at
school in a similar fashion. When I purpose entertaining my
friends at the Bar, I have these ^tif ying landmarks in my
life's history polished up by an individusl koown in my house-
hold as **the handy man." This person (towards whom I enter-
tain a friendly regard), for a certain sum an hour undertakes to
do anything 1 require. I believe that he can paint a house,
build a oonservatorv, cut down a forest, and reconstruct an
aquarium with equal facility. But it is only right to say that
I make this statement on the faith of his guarantor— the gentle-
man who was good enough to procure for me the advantage of
his servioee— and cannot speak from personal knowledge. So
far I have only had the opportunity of testing his oapabiHties
in window- cleaning and the dusting of works of art. In per-
forming these domestic duties he shows great energy, and even
darinff. He seems to delight in standing on window-ledges
and the outer edges of flights of stairs. I have been given to
understand that ne glories in these displays of hardihood, as
they remind him of the diys and nights when he acted as a
rather prominent member of the Fire Brigade.
*' Mr. WiLKnrs," 1 said, on my depairture for the Temple,
*'I shall esteem it a favour if you will be so good as to
employ your leLsure to-day in repainting the waterbutts, sweep-
ing the kitchen ohimnev, putting glas^ in the oonservatorr,
regilding the mirror in the study, and, if you have time, dust-
ing my testimoniaL"
** Certainlv, Sir," replied my valued acquaintance, and before
I had dosed the hall door, the sounds of the rumbling sticks
told me that he had already commenced to remove the super-
fluous soot from the culinarv smoke-hole.
I had rather an arduous aay at Pump-Handle Court. I had
quite an accumulation of circulars, and a consent brief that
re<iuired very careful attention. The latter was not endorsed
with my name, but 1 saw to it on behalf of a coUeague. After
1 had spent some hours in the little frequented (during the
vacation) realms of the Temple, I returned to Justinian Gardena,
wluch 1 need scaroeiy tell an experienced cabman is in the
neighbourhood of that continudly rising locality — Earl's Court.
The door was opened by Mr. Wtlkhts in person, who antici-
pated the turning cf the proprietorial latch-key.
** I am sorry to say, «b," said my trusted emphyi^ '* that I
have had an accident. While I was dusting the military en-
listment eaid ^
'* Ton mean my eommissbn P "
" I do. Sir. It came down with a run. You see. Sir, you
have had him rather heavily framed. Unfortunately, Sir,
when I parsed the nolish brush over him the nail did not hold,
and it gave suddenor^. The picture made a nasty mark on the
wall, and smashed up when he ffot to the flooring. I would have
reframcd him, but all the shops close early on a Thursday, and I can
get no glass."
" Well, what have you done ? " I asked, in a tone of some annoy-
ance, for 1 pride myself on my ftnwimiaMmi, and am proud of showing
it to my friends.
'* Well, Sir, I went up to the box-room to see if I could flnd any-
thing that woulfl do, and have looked up an afiair that I think will
meet with your approval."
By this time I had reached the place where the wall was damaged.
The ttpot was covered by a picture.
** I did my best. Sir. I washed the canvas with soap and water,
and put the polishing brush over the frame. Of course the subject
ain't worth much, but for a stop-gap it isn't bad. Now is it ? "
I then found that Mr. Wilkdis had hidden the faulty hall paper
with the picture that had been presented to me by the gentleman
who had raised a claim to the throne of the Celestial Empire.
Secretly pleased that I could now have an opportunity of refenii^
to the gratitude of my client to my learned and distinguished friend,
Appleblossom, Q.C., who had promised to dine with me that evening,
1 readily accepted tlia apologies of the penitent Wilioks.
** I will put it allnght to-morrow. Sir," said my distressed
employ i. '* I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and
have It done before I rebuild the pantry and whitewash the ceiling
of the bath-room."
Satisfied with the promise I thought no more of the contretemps
untU after dinner, when my attention was directed to it by Appls-
BL0680M, Q.C., who had made himself vastly agreeable after the
ladies had retired and left us to discuss the chestnuts and the port.
** Hullo, Bbisflbss," he exdaimed ; '* where did you get that Old
Boots?"
I told my story of the grateful client, and young Bands, idio 1
fancy is thinkinir of reading in my chambers, regarded me (I venture
to believe) with increased respect.
** Bless me, you have a treasure I " continued Applebossom, ^C,
who seemed wrapt in admiration. " That is a genuine Old Boors.
Ton can always tell him from Young Boots by the manipulatiim of
his animal*s ears. Look at those. Sir I Splen<nd ! Why, who could
JAinTABT 19, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHAMVARI.
pftint a donkey like that? By JoTe, Bbieflbss, yoa are in luck I
loa ought to make a fortune out of it at Chbisties ! "
'* Why, is it very yaluable P " I asked, *' I am not much of an
art oonnoiaaeor, and I frankly confess I know very little of Old
Shoxs."
" Old Boots. Sir I " cried Appleblossoii, a.C. '* Why I thought
sU the world knew Old Boots I One of the grandest painters of the
eighteenth century ! He got that particular delicacy of touch which
you can trace in that donkey's ears by neyer commencing to Dsint
his snimals until he was recoyering from deUrium tremens, Wh]r,
Sir, that animal is simply superb. Look at his mane, Sir I Why, it
is simply maryeUous ! "
I did look at the donkey's ears and mane, and, with the assistance
of young Bands, went into an ecstasy. The ears of the animal were
certainly magnificent
I must admit I was excited during the rest of that eyentful eyen-
iog. I determined to keep the secret of my good fortune to myself.
I thought I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear
my name, by teUing her that I had become a rich man after I had
cashed the cheque I was sure to receiye. All the f oUowing day I
made plans for the spending of my fortune. I would haye a box in
the Highlands, a piea-d-terre in Paris, and a pjrramid in Egypt. I
would present my Inn with a masdye gold snuff-box, and Pos-
TiNeTON should haye a silyer-mounted meerschaum. If my age did
not bar my progress, I would seek seryice in the Militia-— as a lieu-
tenant-cohmeL There was no limit to my ambition.
When I returned, Mr. Wilkins (who is thoroughly conscientious),
haying finished the rebuilding of the pantry and tiie whitewashing
of the bath-room, had departed. He does not waste his time, and
only charges me tor the hours he actually expends in honest labour.
I hurried to the spot where my Old Boots was temporarily resting
before remoyal to the far-famed auction-rooms in King Street,
St. James's. I turned pale.
*' Why, what is this r " I asked, trembling with emotion.
''Your commission, dear," said my better seyen-eighths. "It
looks better than the picture, although I must say the donkey im-
proyes on acquaintance. It really was yery well painted. 1 am
quite sorry Mr. Wilkins has taken it away.''
*' WiLKUvs taken it away ? " I gasped out.
" Yes. He said that you didn't seem to care for it, so he went off
to try and sell it."
" Why ! " I exclaimed, and m)r yoice, through my deep emotion,
dropped almost to a whisi>er, " it is an Old Boors ! "
'An Old Boots!" cried my better seyen-eights, becoming as
exdted as myself. " Why, our fortunes are made I An Old Boots I
0h, why didn't you tell me ! An Old Boots ! Fancy haying an
Old Boots!"
* ' But we hayen't," I returned, almost in tears. ' ' The handy-man
has gone off with it ! What are we to do without our Old Boots I "
" We will get it back ! " returned my better and more important
fraction, with determination.
Whether we did recoyer our lost treasure, or fail in the attempt,
must, owing to the exigencies of space (so I am giyen to understand),
form the subiect of another and concluding contribution. The chase
after our Old Boots was not without adyentures of a distinctly
exciting character.
MY PETTY JAYNE!*
AjJi^**My Pretty Jam,**
Mt Jatnb, my Jatnb, my Bishop Jatnb,
neyer, neyer more be sly.
You 'U meet, you 'U meet with no green eyen in
This correspondent's eye.
"Charge, Chbstsb, charge." Do what you
th-i-nk
Your di-o-cese will stand.
But do not, do not stain with i-n-k
Your Gothenburgian hand.
So JATmBE, my Jatne, my petty Jatne,
neyer, neyer more be sly,
You'U meet, you'll meet with no green eyen
This correspondent's eye.
See recent letters and article in Timet within the last fortnight.
" To BoMV FOB SiXTEEir GunTEAS."— The trayallers, it is an-
nounced, will be " lectured by the Bishop ef Pbtbbbobouoh and Mr,
OscAB Browwikg." What a delightful prospect for a pleasant trip !
Fancy being lectured all the way as to what to eat, drink, and ayoid.
oa comportment and deportment, on smoking, on registration of
bagffage, on economy, etc., etc.. by a Bishop and one of the Osgabs,
wnat a time they will haye of it!
BONNIE W. G.
A SoKO OF TEX Snowt South.
['* ' We were caught ia a snowdrift' was Mr. Gladstone's explanation.
' In Scotland they would haye cleared it away in no time, but here they are
not accustomed to deal with snow ; ' and, wim upright Maring, and carry-
ing a travelling ru^ which he refused to jiye up to a servant, he marched
out of the station with a springy gait."— cWro/ Ami;* Telegremfrem Catmee,]
Am—" Btmnie Dundee:^
To our own G. 0. M. 'twas
the doctor who spoke ;
** You'd better get out of
our frost, fog, and
smoke.
You are now eighty-fiye,
though a wonder you be ;
So follow the sun, bonnie
W.G.I
Come flit from cold Hawar-
den, and fly off to
Cannes,
The sunny South calls you.
our own errand Old Man !
Take the first train de
luxe, and be off, fair
and free.
To BmrDSL and roses,
dear W.G.I"
The G. 0. M.'s off to the
southward— to meet
Not sunshine, but train-
stopping snow-drift and
sleet
Yet he " pops up " at Cannes as alert as can be,
After flye hours long snow-block, our W. G.
Then fill up the cup to our Cbichton at Cannes.
Nestob wasn't a patch on our own Grand Old Man ;
May he come back as b<mnie as bonnie can be,
For w^ 'ye not seen the last of our W. G. I
OUE BOOKING-OFFICE.
It is noteworth]^ how in recent years, in the matter of fiction, the
star of Empire smneth in the North. After Waltsr Scott estab-
lished the soyereiipty of Scotland in
the world of British fiction, there
was a long pause. In our generation
WiLLiAK Black came to the front.
Later, we haye had STETBHSOir,
Babsh, and Cbockxtt. Now here is
luf Maclabev with his cluster of
gem-like stories gathered Beside the
Bonnie Briar Bush (Hoddsb akd
Stouohton). My Baronite tells me
that of the collection Mr. GLAnsroim
Ukes best '*A Doctor of the Old
SbhooL" Where all is good it is diffi-
cult to establish supremacy. But for
simple pathos and for the skill of
drawing with a few touches liying
figures of fleoh and blood, this sketch
is certainly hard to beat. Yet *'A
Lad of Pairts " runs it dose. A yery beautiful book, full of human
nature in its simplest form and most pathetic circumstances.
Says the Baron. " What I who haye read Mr. Bram Stokeb's latest
romance could tell you about The Waiter's Mot^ would make your
mou' watter with longing desire to deyour it. It is excellent : first
because it is short ; secondly, because the excitement is kept up from
first page to last ; and tmrdl^, because it is admirably written
throughout : the scenic descriptiye portion being as entrancing as the
dramatic. It is brought out in the Acme Smes in charge of A
CoNSTABLB, and its fuU price is onl^r one shilling."
A good short story is to be found in A Clear Case of the Super-
natural, by RBonrALD Lucas, only as it is by no means ** a clear
1," it might haye beai appropriately entitled, Fluke or Spook,
The Babok db Book-Wobms.
Most Appbopbiate.— " Gunner J. C. Rocbett promoted to rank
of Chief Gunner in the Queen*s Nayy." Of course^ quite right to
send up a Beckett. Only got to present him with a house at
Gunne«buryandthethingisccHnplet^'y''""""y ^-^^^.^
30
PDNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Jakuart Id, 1895.
A COMPLIMENT.
Prtvd Mother (to irritaiU Old Oattitmait, what* htcuid Ker little Soy it puUing ovthyth^ nola). " Lirru Daruhq I
HX TiLKM 80 KINDLY TO SrBASOBKii I "
It *s kot orrcN
"A DIVIDED DUTY."
[""What we ful to peroeiye. at leoat to any adequate extent, in the
pleadings of the spokesman of tne Lanoaahire Cotton Trade, ia a recognition
of the paramount importance, even from a commarcild point of Tiew, of the
Imperial interests that depend on the just and liberal goyemment of India."
Ani— " Grten Grow ths Jtuihu, ! "
Mr. Zoos Bull nngs : —
Dmch-dong the lasses rp I My patience it quite passes, 1
My brain it tarns, tiiongh with Bob Bujuts, I dearly love the
lasses, 01
There's right and wrong on either hand; that's dear to all hut
asses, 01
So hold your whist, drop each your fist, and to me list, fair lasses, !
Laneashire lass, I like you welL Yon 're buxom, braye, and
bonny, 1
Bat do not slight yoor sense of right in hasty greed of money, 1
When l^orth v. Sonth " demmed " many a month, what patient,
patriot spirit, 1
Laneashire showed! All England glowed. That spirit yon
inherit, 01
Bat in joar wrath yoa'ye missed the path of fair and patriot
dealing, 01
Nay, do not poat Toa'll wake, no doubt, to right Imperial
fading, OT
The Empire's wide and can't be tied by shaokles greed-begotten, 1
My only duty now, my beauty, 's no<— to sell your ootton, 1
Of bulk and bale tout sale won't fail— if you keep up the quality, 1
And do not trust to "devil's-dust"— which mars our merohant-
poJity, 01
Some rasi^al-muffs, with loaded stuffs, haye flpdled the Eastern
market, 1
Mies Lniiia there will tdl you where, and when she whii^ers, hark
it, 01
But with good gooda you^il hold your own, deipite that import
duty, I
But you can't have aU your own way, my bold— but angry-
beauty, 1
Miss IirsLi there needs constant care ; she has not your resources, !
Ton raise your voice against my choice 'twixt two unweloome
oourfecs, 1
But I— though loth— oaiuidering both on mv responsibility, 1
Have done my best, and for my pains from ooth meet incivility, 1
I've tried to bear the balance fair, 'twixt countries, trades, and
classes, 0!
And lo I my lot is anger hot from both you bidcering lasses, !
Miss Iin)LL'8 eyes, at the Excise, excitedly are flaahioff, 01
My dusky dear, 'tis hard to steer 'twixt interests wildly clashing, 1
I love ye both, and I were loth to make— or see— ye quarrel, 1
But— a divided duty 's mine, and that 's my homily's moral, 1
And so, my dears, abate your fears, and likewise stint your shindy, 1
The Lass of Lancashire should shake hands with the Lasi fivim
"Indy,"OI
I'll do my best for East and West. Brim high three bumper
glasses, !
And let's drink hedth, and love, and wedth to both my banny
01
A Colourable Correction.
**BoBU> to blues by a Blue-Book"? I fear you are not
Up to date in your choice of a tint, my dear fellow.
The type of sheer boredom, and dulness, and rot.
Is not now the Blue of old days, but the Tdlow.
As Blue-Stoddngs now half the sex miffht be mustered,
The New Woman doubtiess wears hose hued like custard.
Next bbsi thdto to the PEBaiiK LoooMofim^AJiPir op
Eabtebit Fable.— The '* Travelling Bug " of Western fact
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Januabt 19, 1896.
iWiii/Se
"A DIVIDED DUTY."
a
Ms. Bull. *« NOW, GIRLS, STOP THIS I REMEMBER I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BOTH.
pog''
Digitized by
Google
Januabt 19, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
33
THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.
Mr, JEwpva Delagpofrre, *' I will ask tou to favofb ms, Madam, bt bbfbainino fbom laughing at mx on thb Stagx
DUBiNG MT Thibd Aot." Miss J&ms (nouUy), "Oh, but I assubb Totr tou 'bx mistakbn, Mb. Dblabpabbx; I nbvbb laugh
at tou on thb StaGB— I wait till I OBT HOMB I "
THAT WEDDING PEESENT.
London, — JoKBS is going to be married. Of coarse, I must Kive
him something. But what P A Macuit box? Oommunplaee. Good
idea to look fur something more interesting and unusual during my
holiday. J nst off to North Italv. Will keep my eyes open along the way,
ParM.— Walk in the Rue de la Paix and Bouleyards. Eversrthing
labelled ** Article Anglais,** Must reallv get him something made
abroad. Give up loolong in Paris. Shall £id something farther on.
Lucerne, - No guod to take Swiss wood carving. Can*t carry home
a huge kidebi>ard. All the smaller things can be bought in London.
if t/un.—The very place. There is an exhibition here. Shall pro-
bably ste something beautifuL Italy, cradle of the arts, and all that
sort of thing. BeMdes, so nice to say to Jonxs, ** My dear fellow,
here *s a little trifle ; got it in Milan, you know. It 's modem, but
then the Italians are always so artistic." To exhibition. Why,
tiiere are piotares here ! Of course, just suit me. Hurry to picture
gallery. Several rooms. Enter eagerly. After a short time, totter
f eirblv out and ask the official at the door where I can obtain a little
brandy. He, evidently alarmed by my horror-stricken face and
staggering movements, asks civilly if I am ilL Would I like a
ehair f Should he fetch a doctor P Thank him. and say it is nothing
serious. I have only been looking at a few modem Italian pictures.
Crawl to the relreemnent bar^ and am revived with cognac. Then
inbpt-ct the rest of the exhibition. Am the only visitor, which is not
•arprising, for there is nothing to bce but bottles ! An exhibition of
bwtUM I They are said to be full of wine, but I do not see how that
makes them more beautifuL Absurd to buy Jones some bottles.
And raually abenid to buy him some Italian wine when he can get
good Freneh wine in Engtand. Besides, can't carry bottles in my
OladsUine baff. Therefore, ffive up Milan.
Venice, — ^The chief manniactures here are lace and glass. Now
Jom never wean any lace, except in his boots, and never wean any
glass, not even in his eye. So what good would these be to him P
Bee one or two palaces to be sold. But can't take them home. So
give up Venice.
Bologna, — More useless local productions I Here thev make sau-
sages and soap. Jonxs is not a starving scarecrow for want of
sausages, nor a SmoN Sttlitbs for want of soap. Must therefore
give up Bologna. This wedding present begins to weigh me down.
At each new place it obtrodes itself between me an all the beautiful
things I look at. Must really get something in Florence.
Florence,— 'Qt^ Scott I It's worse here. A life-size marble
statue, or a mosaic table weighing nearly a ton. Have serious
thoughts of bu!ping, at a great reduction, an extra lar^e statue,
hitherto unsaleable on account of its size^ and then telling Jonxs
that his wedding present is waiting for him here, if he will come
and fetch it. The dealer asks 2.000 lire. I understand shopping in
Italy. Early one morning offer him 50. He at once comee down to
1,000. I go up to 100. Discuss for one hour, haggle for another
hour, dispute angrily tor a third. Then go off to dejeuner. Closing
prices— dealer 725, myself 250. Back a^ain after interval for
refreshment. Begin ouietly. Opening prices— dealer 720, myself
251. Discussion, haggling, dispute as before. Indignant marcmngs
(»ut by me, frantic pursuits by the dealer. Final prices — dealer
403, myself 396. Eadi of us, hoarse and exhausted, refuses to yield
another centesimo. So do not buy statue for Joim, and give up
Florence. Genoa is the last chance.
G'enoa.— Velvet ? What 's the good of velvet to Jones P Besides
it is fabulously dear, something like attar of roses at so much a drop.
Must give up even Genoa.
Z<m<ibii.— Back au:ain. Have bought a biscuit box and sent it to
Jones. Since then have met Jones's cousin, and Smith, and Jones's
brother-in-law, and Mrs. Robinson, and a few other mutual friends.
We disagree in many things^ but in cue ^^^^^ ^toJ)u^i|^iimop|^
We have all given him biscuit boxes ! ^ o
34
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Januart 19, 1896.
j'^
^^r^
A RULING PASSION.
Mr, Meenister MacOlucky {of the Fru Kirk, after honing given wa/y more than usual to an expression *'awu thing strong"— despairifigly).
** Oh I Ayb ! Ah, w-bbl 1 I 'll has ta gib 't dtp 1" Mr. Elder MacNab. " Wha-at, Man, oie xtp Gowf ?'
Mr, Meenister MacQlucky, ''Nab, kab I Gib up thb Mbbnistrt 1"
A PSALM OF (HOLIDAY) LIFE.
What the heart of the Small Bog said to the
Dyepeptie Peuimist,
Tell me not, in Christmas Numbers,
Yule is a dyspeptic dream,
A tradition that Imt cambers
What smugs call " the social scheme.''
Yule is joUy, Yule is earnest !
A siok-bed is not its ffoal ;
Priff who rich plum-pudding spumest,
Thou art destitute of soul.
Not mere " s^ping," which means sorrow,
Is youth*s destined end or way :
But— to think that each to-morrow
Brings us nearer Christmas Day I
Terms are long, and Yaos. are fleeting,
And our " tums," though big and braye.
Enow that there 's an end to eating
When at lessons we must sUve.
Oh. the railway's welcome rattie I
Oh. the feeling of fresh life I
Oh, tiie Christmas Show of Cattiel
Oh, the fun of fork aad knife I
Blow the Future I it's unpleasant;
Put the Past dean out of head.
What Jlike's the (Christmas) Present.
No mere ghost, as Dickens said.
All his Jolly books remind us
Christmas is a glorious time.
DonH let bilious Wies blind us
To its larks, whioh are sublime.
Only wish there was another
Coming— in a month — strain !
Stodge is bad for boys f Oh, bother I
Jean stand it, rignt as rain I
Let us, then, be up and doing,
(With a knife and fork ana plate,)
All our tips at tudk-shop« blueing.
Learn to stodge, ere 'tis too Ute I
THE CHRONICLES OF A RURAL PARISH.
X. — The Chaib.
As soon as we had agreed to allow the
Parish Meeting Chairmau to preside, Black
Bob jumped up and proposed that Mrs.
Letham HATm ahould m elected to the
chair. She was a lady whose axoellanoea he
need not dilate on. She had «xo«Ueiit busi-
ness habits, and, with all raapect to Mrs.
March, she had a^ m aoh ni^bt to a seat on the
Council as that l&dy. Then a nurade liap-
pened. Mrs. Mahch not oiily did not reseat
this reference, but aotnally aoeandad Mrs.
Hayht. It wa» essential, she said, that
women should be rvvr'-'s^tjnt'^a as fully aa |>i3S-
sible, and she ph"^^'<it witkout^ hedtation,
embntoeihis opportanity of securing a woman
colleague. TSim made the situation serious,
not to say hopeless. After die had sat down,
there was an ominous pause. At length I rose
and proposed myself. Jxl impressiye tones I
pointed out that the hand of the electors had
pointed in no uncertain way to myself, and
that since no one eiae had proposed mv
election, at the risk of being misunderstood
once mors, I had, on public grounds, to do it
myself. After another painful pause the
Parson seconded my nomination. Thee the
voting. Mrs. Hatitt^s name was put first.
She got 4 votes —Mrs. March, Black Bob,
and his two comrades. I got 3— the Saoire.
the Parson, and my self. And so I was foiled
again— by the Eternal Feminine.
And so our Parish Council is at last oom-
plete, and ready for action, a corporate body
in the eyes of the law. Possibly, in these
pages I may from time to time be permitted
to relate how Mudf ord progresses under our
role. Possibly. I may not. But in any case
I ought to add that, being beaten by Mrs.
Havitt has not— well, improved the domestic
atmosphere. Wifely devotion seems to be
out of fashion in these ^n de siecle days.
DUTCH ENTERPRISE.
The question of alien immigration as affect-
ing the British Labour Market is one that
occasionally occupies the attrition of the
Legislature. The subjoined advertiseonent
cut from the DaUy News suggests something
even worse : —
HOLLAND.— THE FIBST NBTHEKLAND
8TEAM MUSTARD and SPIGS MILLS,
▼iiiting the whole oountry, widies to re^eaent a
first EngUih houie in artioles of daily oonaomption.
It is bad enough to have foreign I&booren
competing with our people. But if they an
going to send over, Dodily, their mills and
other labour shops. Johk Bull will be obliged
to put his foot down and kick somebody.
SSASOITABLB (?) GrSBTIKO FOR A ChIHA-
XAK.— A Jappy New Year to you^^ ^ ^
jAiruABT 19, 1896.]
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHAEIVABL
36
VIVE LE TAILLEUR DU Ml.
[" Le due d'Orl^ans a youIu donner une
le^oB aux mauTmii patriotet; il babite
LnidrM, il obarge un tailleur pariueii
da Min de garnir aa garde-robe." —
IfWtch xVlftt. J
ALOire the bouleyaid't busy onrb
That bristles brayely with Hrennes,
A thing has threatened to disturb £
The careless vie parisienne ;
It isn't spies or journalist black-
mailers,
It is the question of monarohio tailors.
Forlo! imm perflde AUnon
Has lately oome a dueal note
With patterns for a pantalon
And therewithal a redingote :
(Observe, in passing, that the royal
bOlet
Says nothing of the corresponding
gilet).
Now while in matters of the gown
The mande of Paris sets the mode^
Their gay fldneurs that paint the
town^
Long since affect a foreign code.
Developing in fact a steady passion
For dressing in the latest London
fashion.
With any perfect patriot
How Intterly it stirs the bile.
This craze for being clothed in what
Is thought to be the English style:
It makes the language of nis heated
brain
Occasionally verge on the profane.
And now the Exile, armed with red
Hot coals of living anthracite.
Projects them on his country's head.
And more in pity than in spite
FANCY PORTRAIT.
THE REHEARSAL; OR, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
'* Lord H-LSB-EY will be the principa] guest at a smoking ' At
Home,* Jan. 25th, at the W-etm-Det-r P-l-ce Hotel."— Doi/y Paper,
Bids France that hunted him and his
like rabbits
Henceforth to execute his daily habits.
Some fancy, romping at results,
The constitution's overthrow,
A' view unworthy of adults.
According to the Figaro ;
Itmakesademocratextremdynettled.
To hear the thing is practically
settied.
Of course there may be something in
That strao^ omission of the vest,
Tet were it littie short of sin
To lay this unction to the breast ;
Aperson isn't worth a paltry filei
Who stakes the Third RepubUc on a
gilet.
There lacks^ you see, a final Uw
To guide m France the statesman's
The casual iff nited straw [game ;
Will set the camel's hump aflame ;
A redingote may raise enough Sclat
To bring about a pretty coup d'etat,
A GENTLE HINT TO THE JUBILANT
JAP.
Thsbe is a Jappy land
Far, far away,
Where Art they understand ;
None more than they.
Now in fair battle's ring [Wnfo,
They 've pummelled poor Pmo-
AU men their praises smg
Who *ve won the day.
Bright in that Jappy land
Beams every eye.
But, though their pluck be grand,
Bar-bar-i-ty
Thf-ir choicest ^ifts will mar.
Blood stains their rising star.
Foul slaughter is not war.
Fie, Jappy, fie !
A CABINET SECRET.
{Fragment for the Hittorian of the FiUure,)
[After the Cabinet teyeral of the Mimsters present took luncheon with
the Chahoellor of thb Exchbqubr.— Doi^ Faper,]
TmoB had been an exciting meeting of the Members of the
Ministry. The gathering had tiucen place at noon, and after several
anfry altercations it had been adiDumed. But the objector-in-chief
baa admirably kept his temi>er. fie came of a gallant and illustrious
race, and blood is thicker tium water.
" I must not forget the teachings of my Uncle Dick," he had
murmured, as it was suggested that two d his favourite prrjects
ahonld be slaughtered, like the infant Princes in the Tower.
Then, when there was an inclination on the part of his colleagues
to quaml amongst themselves, he cleverly fumed the
fire, and increased the incipient stirife.
** It was the mode adopted by my maiden Aunt, Quxin
EuzABXTH, and it succeeded in her time. Why should
the passing of three or four centuries make any dif-
ference? After all, human nature is— in faotr— human
natnrel"
And so the duU minutes passed away. The time came
for luncheon. Then he amiled a smile full of mystic
homtaHtf.
''^It win put the bloodhounds of the Press off the scent
if I ask them to luncheon with me. It is sure to be
reported in the papers, and who will imagine that I
would willingly entertain a possible opponent to the
ooming Budget? Moreover, revenge is sweet ; not that
Iwoddtakeitl not that I would take it I "
And then he entreated several of his colleagues to
** crush a cup with him," using a nhraseology that had
fofond favour in the mouths of the Crusaders.
** And BoeKT, will not you come ?" The question was asked with
much cofdiaHty. The Peixixb did not reply. He merely smiled,
and the smile seemed to be a sufficient answer.
• •••••
Shortly afterwards (as subseouentiy reported in the newspi4;>ers)
the noble Earl took luneheon at his own home.
** I wonder what wine he has giyeajhmn t " And he 8miled![again.
"BOYS AND GIRLS COME OUT TO PANTOMIME!"
Santa Ola its, the afternoon pantomime at the Lyceum, is even bef ter
than Mr. Osgab Bahrett's Cinderella of last year. There is plenty of
splendour in the fairy piece, considered merely as a *' spectacle,"
enough, indeed, to make a " pair of spectacles,'^ and to cause much
speculation as to how they manage to stow away all the scenery,
properties, and costumes at five o'clock every afternoon, in order to
make room for King Arthvr^ who, on the temporary abdication of
Santa Claua (a part admirably acted and declaimed by Mr. Whxtam
Rionold), reigns at the Lyceum from eight till eleven. But besides
the dazzling brilliancy of fairy pantomime, there is in it not only real
fun which deliffhts the youngsters, for whom the entertainment is
primarily intended, but uso a touch of dramatic pathos, as shown iu
the death of the devoted dog Tatters^ a dog who has hiM
day and dies, whose cruel fate excites the compasrion of
old and young alike. All are rejoiced when they find out
that cdever llr. Chablbs Lau&i, of whom it can be
complimentarily said that '* he is a perfect bv ast," is re-
stored to life, and that the Heavenly Twins are happily
revived.
As the two toy soldiers Messrs. Haert and Fred
Kitchen— the front and back kitchen—are first-rate.
But where aU are so good it is impossible, within the
limits of a paragraph, to particularipc. Messrs. Babbbtt
and Lbnitabd are to be congratulated, and, as Hamlet
t*ays^ **The Pantomime's the thing,'' and, as Shaks-
peanan readers will remember, Hamlet" s father went to
/iMUin^e«,— wasn't it *' his custom always of an after-
noon"?— only there's no sleeping here, but every-
one very wide awake^ and all **roing home to tea"
thorougnly satisfied with Santa Clam, Who says Le
Itoi Pantofnime est mart, when the Lyceum is crowded for
mtUinSes, and, outride the doors of Old Drury, daily and
nightiy appear the placards, '* House Full " F
A *'TiT Bit."— When they speak of some one of the Baby
Baronets, t.e. the reoentiy created Baronets, they don't say he is
among the Old 'uns ; but " He is among the New'nes." ^ '•^ j. m. -^
36
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Januabt 19, 1895.
'A PENNY PLAIN-BUT
OSCAR COLOURED."
(An EftUrtaiwinent Antagonistic
to Amtuement,)
Scene— ^nyirA^r*. Cfharac-
ters dUtrtbuted about the
Stage in more or less ad-
mired confusion.
Anybody, So we are livinff
in a penny romance. And
ihin is Society.
Charles his Friend, Society
is everything but sociable.
Somebody, But why shoold
the Pbius Minister be threat-
ened by a professional black-
mailer ?
Charles his Friend, In mat-
ters of this kind the Pbemiee
is the dernier.
Someone Else, But surely
the same sort of thiuRr has been
done by Sardou in Dora t
Charles his Friend, Why
not? A dramatist has only
one virtue, he never invents a
drama.
A Casual Visitor, Then we
have only to regard the Adelphi
as a model, and take the
Wildest license with the
dialogue.
Charles his Friend, Quite
80. After all, a paradox is
merely a platitude.
A CaUer, But do great men
do these things?
Charles his Friend, The
great do all things because
tiiey are little.
A Lady, Surely a wife
should look up to her husband ?
Charles his Friend, So she
does— unless she wears high
heels.
A Person. And a wife, if
«h<) found her hu^-band in
INDUCTION.
"Is this the yMW Baby, Daddy!"— "Yes, deae."
" Why, be 's got no Teeth I "— " No, dear."
"And he's got no Hair I "—"No. dear."
"Oh, Daddy, it must be an Old Baby I"
trouble, would surely deave to
him?
Charles his Friend. So she
would, iftshe only knew where
to find him.
Another Person* That Te-
minds me that a plaj, ta be
fruocessf uU must have tiie plot
of a ithilling shocker— mueh
diluted.
Charles his Friend. A
shocker shocks no one save its
—publisher.
A New Comer, Then the
blaekmailer was defeated in
the end — as bad people inya-
riaUy are when vice is at a dis-
count and virtue at a pre-
mium.
Charles his Friend. Virtue
never is at a premiunu save
when it is mistaken fur
vice.
A blas4 Man of the World,
And yet. in spite of all tbi^ i
have naa a pleasant eveninr.
Charles his Friend. Sithas
an author wh^-n he is laughing
in his sleeve and cottfaws
black with white.
S<tmeone, But doe« th«
author never know the differ-
ence?
Charles his Friend, WbR<
does it matter ? If he thiokft
himself right, everybody will
know that he is wronr !
The Audience. All this is
very clever because it is un-
intf^Uigible.
The Author. So I believe.
Only I stand upon my irre-
sponsibility. But is anpoe
satisfied with anything m t
playhouse ?
Charles his Friend. Onlj
with the fall of the curtain !
{Scene closes in upon nothng
in particular.
THE EEAL NEW WOMAN.
I OWN there are heights that she cannot
attain.
She is not at home with a gun.
In pastimes where one living creature is slain
She cannot perceive any fun ;
And never a poor feathered songster has died
Her hat or her bonnet to grace ;
And after the hounds it were torture to ride.
Lest fieynaid should lose in the race.
And much she ignores that New Women
should learn.
And still she refuses to smoke :
One wine from another she cannot discern.
But she 's splendid at seeing a joke.
Her love and her friendship no labour can
fret.
No jealousy seems to alarm.
In truth, not a mortal could ever forget
Her humour, her kindness, her diarm.
Though dozens of friends of her fealty boast.
Her desk with epistles is packed.
Her very own relatives love her the most—
A somewhat remarkable fact !
With bores and with fools she ungrudgingly
bears,
And though it may end in her loss.
With cabmen she never can wrangle for fares.
Or haggle a counter across.
Her eyes, that are lojral and fearless and kind,
At wrong or injustice will flame,
But they never seem anxious a failure to find,
They never are hasty to blame ;
And well die is loved by the best and the
worst.
For sympathy, courage, and truth.
For friendship unfailing they love her, the
first;
The last, for her infinite ruth.
Oh, what if she never should do or should
dare
In regions by Woman untrod ?
Yet, when her step passes, men turn from
despair.
And trust in the world and in God.
Oh, what if no " record " she cares to eclipse.
Nor manners nor morals defies ?
But pain she woidd face with a smile on her
lips,
[deal
And death with a light in her eyes !
"The Ghizeh Museum."— A question has
been asked in the Times as to why the name
of Professor Petsis has been omitted from
the Commissbn for the Museum of Eg7[ptian
Antiquities. The answei*, whether satisfac-
tory or not, is that considering the over-
whelming learning on this special subject of
the distinguished Professor it is probable
that the energies of the other members would
be "Petrie-ffed."
Motto for Horrid Cold Weather.-
"Bi^'s the Best."
MBS. BLOOMHR.
["The news of the death of Mrs. Bloomeu, it
Council BlufF«, Iowa, revives many memori-s of a
distant past "— J5ii% Graphic,]
So Mrs. Bloomer 'b ffone I but let her
Once more appear m Mr, Punches pages.
'Twas long ago, almost the Middle Age«,
That Leech 8 pencil advertised her fame !
Her costume was unlovely— let it fade
For ever from the ken of human vinon !
Though nowadays 'twould tcaroe provoke
derision.
If worn by pretty girls and tailor-made.
For by the lady-cyclist, as »>he plies
Her pedal, neatly dad in kniokerbock^r*.
See Mrs. Bloomer, first of Grondy-
sh< ckers.
Now vindicated in Dame Fashion's eyes !
But, not in dress alone a ] ioneer.
She edited the temp'rance Water Bucket,
And many a blow 'gaiuht drink nith pluck
hit;
Then let us o'er her passing bhed a tear!
At the Empire. — The celebrated chan-
teuse Mile. Mealt is engaged. We've net
yet heard her, but of course this lady's songs
should be of a very delicate nature, as she
herself must be *' M!ealv-mouthed."
Januabt 26, 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
37
THE COMTNS AHD THE OOIN'S OF AETHXTB.
It was a pleasant sight, on the premiere of Xing Arthur^ to see
Mr. OoMTVS Ci^BB, poet, UttSrateur^ art-critic, theatrical manager,
orator, journalist^ dramatist, and not a few other things beside,
gravely bowing bis aoknowledgments as *' the Arthur of the piece"
at the Lycenm. Beshrew me, and by my halidome, he hath done his
work with so deft and conning a hand as to puzzle not a little those
who have their Gobthe, their Teniv^tsoit, and some of the most
f aTourite plays of WnjjAx Bhakspsabb at their fingers* ends, and
who are also more^orUess'acquaint^d with Wagnerian^trilogies.
Weallknow " Kbttlb
began it." W.U.Wa..^
NEB begins lb in, in ih»
Prolpgue, with spirits
and watcTf t;#,, mere
spirits getting alotiir
swimmingly in a kind
of Niebelungen lake.-
and-caTcm aoeiie. Not
until the curtain tose
was any sort of atten-
tion paid to tbe music^
which mi^ht hare
therefore been the com-
I)08ition of NoA E38
or SrorES, instead ^f
haTingbeen e^ccjuisitely
written by King Ab-
TBUB SULLTTAlf,
Enter King Arthur
Irving and Merlin
(•• Charles hi«fri*.Ed''),
suggestive of Maeheth
9Ji!^Banqm^ toseeWag*
nerian water - wttcb^
in The CoUim Bawn^»
caye, WagneriaTi water-
witches, difet orbed by
the approach oi K^ntle-
men, swim away to re-
fdn. presutnablv, their
athtng-macthines.
Then Chark a- his friend
MerUn undertakes tbe
part of a kind of half-
converted MtpkiAltt-
pheles, and f^hows thu
F*aust' King- Arthur a
*• living picture ** of
Guinevere A% ^lar^tte-
rtto in a vimon. j^fter
this up comes a hand
out of the wat^r, bar-
ing a mafmidcently;
jewelled scabbard, \ n
which, of course, i& that
blade of the very first
water, '*£xeulihur,'^
Atihur accept fi tbe
sword with thanks, ob-
serving that "if tieoes-
sar? he will nee it to
make any mitj^ the piec«
may require,*' Slore
chorus of water-sprites,
and end of prologue.
MerUn, or a spirit,
ought to have sung ** F&ici le iabre.**
_^ „ This chance was lost.
The next soene is at Camelot, when in come a lot of knights in
armour, and the story begins in real earnest. Here is Ellek Tebbt.
sweet and majestic as the Bume-Jonesian Queen Guinevere^ and
here, too, is Forbes-Robebtson as Lancelot^ a part which he plays
and looks to perfection. The order has been given * * All wigs abuidon
ye who enter here," that is as far as the male prindpals are oon-
oemed ; so they all **keep their hair on," and thus Henbt Ibving
in armour looks more like the ** Knight of the Woeful Countenance,"
or a moustachioless Don Quixote, than the glorious Chairman of the
Gkx)dly Bound Table Company.
Sir Lancelot is oompelfed by *' circumstances over which he has
no control " to remain behind at court, all through the selfishness of
Kina Arthur (so unlike him. too, for once I ), who fancies the Botmd
Table will be a trifle dull when all his *' blooming companions have
faded and gone," and so the unfortunate young knight has to say to
the Queen, as Mr. Ckevalieb's Coster sings to his "lidy-love^"
'* I*m bound to keep on htm* yer! d^yer ^ear t " and he is watdied
i by Macheth-Mordred flir. Fbjlite CoorEB) and bis be-witcbing
mother Lady Macheth-morgan^U^Fay (Miss Genevieve Wabd).
In Act Two, while BUen- Guinevere and girls are out a-maying in
one (d the most lovely of ' ' As You like it " woodland scenes (with a
fool in the forest, too) ever beheld on any stage. Lady Macbeth-
Morgan and Macbeth' Mordred overhear the love-making of Guinny
and Lancy ; and in Act Three these '* two clever ones," as poor
Affery was wont to style Flintwieh and Mrs, Clennam, reveal the
truth to Arthur- Othello, who has taken from the hand of the
f^uicided OpheUa- Elaine (Miss Lena Ashwbll) a note, which assists
and ExmUbur^ a notably sharp blade on occasion, fails him now.
Lanc^ i» banbbed; and takes it very quietly, going out like a
lamb. Kin^ Arthur and all the knights go off to tiie wars, leaving
G^dnevi^re m charge of Sir Macbeth' Mordred and Mrs, Morgan"
le-Fay^ female professor of necromancy, table-tuming-medium,
"putiea attended^'* &c.
In Act last Gtiinerere is imprisoned in a tower, and is made love to
by that awf oily Bad Knieht, Sir Mordred, who seizes this chance oi
playing Sir Brian de Bms^Guilhert to Guinny^ e Rebecca, only
that there ia no window from which she can threaten to throw
htif^elf : and so the wicked wooing oomes to a rather tame conduRion.
In the last scene Mac-
beth - Mordred and
Lctdy Morgan- Macbeth
are now King and
Queen, and poor Re-
becca- Guinny is going
to be burnt a la Juive,
when the herald's chal-
lenge is answered by a
very Black Knight,
who keeps himself aw-
fully dark, and who
does not say, **I am
RiCHABD CCEITB DE
Lion," but lifting his
steel nose - protector
(most useful except
when the Knight has
a bad cold), reveals
**The King!" Then
comes the fight— and
ah, would that here
one of the swords ooald
have been poisoned,
and that Mordred,
after slaying Arthur,
should himself have
been stabbed to death
by his own weaiwn,
while at the same time
Mrs, Morgan -Us- Fay
might have shouted,
" See the Queen drinks
to Arthur,** and then
she could have drained
a poisoned cup, and so
— obtained her ** coup de
grace,**
^ But no ! CoMTNS
Cabk would have none
of thi-*. The wicked
fiouriph. Someone said
that Sir Lancelot was
killed *• without," but
(7-m-iM C-rr (rising to the oceaeion out of the myttie mere), ** Up I eomo with my little plot ! "
I don't believe it. My private opinion is that the sly dog Lancy
sneaked out quietly, waited for Guinerere, and then they both went
off together, to Boulogne, or Monte Carlo maybe ; that Morgan-le-
Fay took to walking in her sleep and waphiog out little sanguinary
spots on her hand ; and that Mordred got an engagement in the
provinces to play logo ; while all that the audience know of King
Arthur is that he went off with three Queens of the Night (perhaps
signifying that he ventured on a water- iwrty with only three sove-
reigns) in a barge,— perhaps "the craft of Merlin** mentioned by
TmbiTSON,— to some place down the river, where he was said to be
interred, and at whose grave kept guard the well-knowu ** Water-
bury Watch." However all this is but surmise. One thing is certain
—that King Arthur is still idive, very much alive, and, like Lord
Abthub of Pantoniinie Rehearsal fame, ** going strong," at the
Lyceum, for. very man^ Arthurian nights to come. Le Roi Arthur
est mort I Vive le Rtn Arthur !
Bravo, CoMTim 1 Well may he say to Hmnbt iBviNe, ** £h, mon,
whmr 's your Wvizib Shaxspeabe noo f **
VOL, cvm.
38
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Janvabt 26, 1895.
aw Bediwre M-rl-y (Hmic
King Artkw (Sir W. V.
p, Stoopid!"
THE SWORD EXCALIBUR.
(SotiM &9m "King Arthur** vp to date.)
u, hut politely). Small I thbow thb Sword into tem Mbbe!"
f-re-urt^diidainfully), 'Throw thr Sword nrro thr Mrrr!'
Why, I havrn't loot thr Soabbabd
Jahuabt 26, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARI.
39
SOMETHING LIKE A CHARACTER.
Hwnttmem {on hting iiUroditced tofiawre JFi/e of M, F, H.), " Pbofd to maxb toub ▲CQUAniTAKGi, Miss 1 Knowk tem OAPnmi,
Miss, vor nigh on Tkn Skasons, and nxybb saw 'im titbn 'is 'Ead from hantthino as was jijmpable I Knows a Oes and
KNOWS A OUND I OAN RIDS ONS AND 'VNT T OTHBR ; AND IF THAT AIN T AS MTOH AS OAN BS LOOKRD FOR IN A 'UsBAND, MiSS,
WHT, I 'LL BK JTOOKBRD ! "
THE SWORD EXCALIBUR.
A Very Tqpey-turvied Arthurian Legend
Up-UhDate.
Dramatis Pbrsonjb.
KingAithur {for this occasion) Sir W. H-rc-urt.
The Bold Sir BedWere . . Mr. J-hn M-rl-t.
Sir Omwain {Jutt to oblige) . L-rd B-s-b-rt.
Mordred .... Mr. Jn. B-dm-nd.
Sir Ijmoelot . . .Mr. Q
Thbn, ere that last weird battle 'gainst the
Lords,
There oame on Abthttb, sleeping, in his
diair,
At Malwood— musing, by his own fireside,
After much totting up oi Trade Betoms,
And Navy Estimates— a whisper blown
Along a wandering wind, ana in his ear
Went shrilling, '* Hollow I hollow I Forfar
Our small majority shall imss away
Farewell! There is thine Hampshire rest
for thee,
Bnt I am blown about a wandering wind.
And 'Follow! follow! follow!'^ day and
night.
The fighting factions of onr army ory
To me— their ' Leader I ' And I oannot faoe
Five ways at once, and it 's a beastly bore I
And if 1 oould, how oan I get a Bill
Passed by ^eLords?"
And Abthus woke, and called.
''WhospakeP Adream! light upon the
wind, f cries'
Thine, Gawadt, was the Yoice— are these poor
Thine P Ordoth that samearmy, growing mid.
Mourn, wishing it had gone along with lieP''
This heard the bold Sir Bxdiysbx, and spake :
''Ome,myChiefI to pass whatever Bui,
Upetairt, seems hopdess. Tory glamour
dings
To all high places like a darkening cloud
For ever. Is it your intent to * pass '
(in Tennysonian sense), since your Bills
won't P'*
And Abthttb said: **Sir Bidivxbb, blue
funk
Sits ill upon a knight. Gawain is light-
No one at least can say the same of me / "
(Bedivbrb murmured, ** No, by — Behe-
moth!")
** I hear the steps of Moedrsd in the West,
And with him many of the people by rights.
And thine, whom thou hast served, un-
grateful grown^
The idiots !— splitting up their ranks— and
ours!
But ' pass,' in Tennysonian sense P No fear !
I shall arise and smash 'em as of old ! "
Then to Einf Arthub spoke Sir Bedivere :
** Far other is tiiis battle, our great test.
Whereto we move, than when great Langb-
lot
(Now far oavortinjgr in the snow at Cannes)
Thrust his great rival from St Stephen's seats.
And shook nim thro' the North. HI doom is
ours
To war against our rivals, and each other.
The ohiel who fights old followers fights
himself.
And thev, old friends who loved us once, the
stroke
We strike at them is a back-stroke to us.
Nay, even the stroke of your Excalibur
Hath scarcely its old swashing force. Men say
It shall not strike again,— men whisper so I —
That she, the Lady of the Hibernian Lake,
Awaiteth its return. Ah! you unsheath it !
Say, must I take it— take Excalibur,
And fiinff it far into the middle mere^
Mark wnat occurs, and lightly bung you
word P "
Then spake Einr Aethub to Sir Bedivere :—
** sombre little-faith, miscalled the B<'ldl
Not if I know it / *Tis a beauteous blade-
Broad, and bejewelled, and but lately gript
By my long-waiting hand. I have it now.
And if indeed I cast the brand away,
Snrely a craven donkey I shall be !
What good should follow this, if this were
doneP
What harm undone P By George ! Sir Bedi-
vere,
'Twizt frivolling Gawain and too doleful you,
I have a pretty p&ir of Imightly pals,—
Nay, I mean ptdfiyd knights !— to back me up.
Is this the loyalty cf the Table Bound P
Were Mordred a worse traitor P or e'en he.
The Midland Knight, who pushes for my
place
As he did for Sir Lancelot's P Oh. get out !
What should my dauntless Derby henchmen
say Fwhite
Should I, on Wednesday, show the feather
And say I 'd chucked the sword Excalibnr
Away, unchallenged, in a fit of funk P
I lose the sword P I've not yet loet the
ecahhard !
Nay, I shall flash it flaming in their sight^
And brandish it, and promise swashing
blows
Of the keen blade, as ofttimes heretofore.
I 'U outshine Tennyson, out-hero iBvnre !
Trust me 'tis not yet time for that weird arm,
' Clotiied in white samite, mystic, wonderful,'
To emerge from out the misty middle-mere
And snatdi from Me the Sword Excalibur ! "
[Freex/ee on to it.
Cebtain.— Mr. Eato, the new Japanese
Minister to Great Britain, is expected to be a
success. On hearing his arrumants, the ob-
servation tiiat will spring to Lord Bobebbbt's
lips will be, ** Eato, thou reasonest welL"
T^mrcTTO-rTy
U>_JH >k^ "X^T"
40
PONCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Januabt 26, 1895.
vJ^H:V^
A FRIENDLY WARNING.
First Tramp. '*I wadna adyisk yb tab oano up thbkb I"
Second Tramp. "What wye? Is thxbb a mucklb Douot"
First Tra^np. "No ; bot thbbb 's a dakobb o' Wabk I "
THAT PEECIOUS DONKEY !
{An Episode vn the Life of A. Bri^/less, Junior, Esq,, Barrister-al'Law,
in Three Farts.)
Paet IIL—The Apotheosis of the Picture.
Thorb who have done me the distiDgniahed honour of reading the
story of my find of a genuine Vok Bootz (in my asritation last week
I referred erroneously to the great mastt* r as Old Boots) will re-
member that I had got to the point where the picture I now so deeply
prized had been removed by the handy-man to be sold, no doubt, at
a crushing sacrifice. When put to it (as all my friends know] I am
a man of an iron will and a steel determination, lliere is no sacrifice
I will not make to carry a fixed plan into execution. It was this iron
will and steel determination that enabled me (somewhat late in life)
to conquer the apparentlv adamant intention of the Examiners at
Lincoln's Inn ana get called to the Bar. At this crisis in my life*s
history the reserve forces of my nature came to mv assistance, and in-
spired me to hurry without a moment's delay to tne dwelling-place of
WlLKINS.
Before discovering that the Yon Bootz had been removed I had
assumed (as it is mv wont after returning from Pump-Handle
Court) my slippers. Without waiting to amend my costume, witiiout
lingeriog to recover my umbrella (now recUniDg in its stand, seem-
intrly exchanging confidences with my walking-stick), I started for
Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise. The lady who has
honoured me by accepting my name had furnished me with this
address— the abode of the unoonsoiously-fugitiYe Wuutnre. Without
a moment*s hesitation I hailed and entered a four-wheeler.
** Panorama Place, Nine Sisters Road, Rixton Rise," I said in the
tone of the late Doke of Wslukotqit ordering the advance of the
Guards at Waterloo.
The cabman shook his head, then seemingly pondered, then looked
at me. *'Is it near the 'Gfreen Compasses' P" he asked, after a
pause of intense thought.
t have always considered Mr. WiLKors a model of sobriety. But
then I have only known him in the hours devoted to duty, to the
sweeping of kitchen chimneys, to the re-building of wash-houses,
to the re-papering of studies^ to the remove 1 of grand i>ianos from
basement to attic, and other httle domestic offices. In his moments
of relaxation he may be a genial viveur^ and in this character
was more likely than not to live in close proximity to the no doubt
hospitable tavern to which the driver had referred. So I answered
my Jeha that I thought it exceedingly possible that Mr. Welktets
did dwell near the *^Green Compasses." We started, and after a
drive for which I was charged (and in my opinion rightlv charged)
five-and-sixpenoe, arrived safdy at Panorama Place, Nine Sisters
Road, Rixton Rise.
The shadow of anxiety that had followed me through what I may be
permitted o term my hackney peregrinations had passed away. I
nad feared that when I had successfully tracked out Mr. Wileens to
his suburban nest I should find him fiown. But no, the eagle had
not lost the child, the handy man was still the pK>sses8or of my
pictorial treasure. At least so I presumed, as he smiled when I put
to him the all-important question, ** Where is my Yon Bootz ?"
**Thi8 is what I have done with him. Sir," said my house-
renovator, leading me gently into what I take must have oeen his
study. The apartment was furnished with two spades, a saw, two
hammers, a pot of glue, a model of a fire-engine, a couple of stools,
and a sideboard.
*' Look at this little lot. Sir," cried Mr. WiLKcrs, whipping off a
doth, and exposins: to view two earthenware flower-vases, and a
small model (in chslk) of an easily illuminated (there was a recep-
tacle in the interior large enough to contain a taper) cathedral.
*' What are these P " I denumded, in a voice more or less suggestive
of thunder. ^^
**That*s what he gave me for the picture, and, asking vour
pardon. Sir, I think I have done well with him. It was one of tnose
Italian image-men, who took a fancy to it. He offered at first only
those vases. Then he sprang to a statuette of Gabibaldi. But,
after a deal of discussion, I got him to chuck in Westminster
Abbey, Sir, which, as you see, can be lighted up magnificent."
For a moment I was struck speechless with sorrow and indigna-
tion. No doubt the foreign hawker, having received an art educa-
tion in Italy (the renowned dwelling-place of the Muses)^ had
recognised tne value of mv picture, ana had . I paused in my
train of thought, and j umpe^ from despair to j ov . There, resting on a
aewly-renovated perambulator, was my Old Master. I almost wept
as I recognised my nearly lost Yov Bootz.
** But thero it is ! " I hoarsely whispered, pointing to the picture.
*' The oanvas, ves Sir— the Italian chap only wanted the frame.
He called the donkey lot rubbish."
Again my iron will and steel determination came to the front. To
secure the canvas, charter another four-wheeler, and deposit myself
and my prize within the caVs depths was the work of not more than
five-and-twenty minutes. I drove as hurriedly as the congested
traffic would permit to the house of a well-koown connoisseur. I
sent up my card, and was immediately admitted. The celebrated
critic was a perfect stranger to me.
** This must serve as an introduction," I said, and exposed my
YoN Bootz to view. The connoisseur iaspeoted the canyas, the
leaden sky, and the villagers with languid interest. At last his
gaze fell upon the presentment of the donkey. His eyes sparkled,
his cheeks flushed with excitement ; and although he was evidentiv
attempting to master his emotion, he almost shouted ** Magnifioent ! "
** Are not the ears splendid F " I a»ked.
" Splendid P Glorious! Immortal!"
** Haye you seen anything to equal the mane ? "
** Neyer I Emphaticall;^, never ! "
And then the art connoif>seur shook me by both hands. Then we
once more inspected the donkey's ears, and in our delight nearly
rose and floated from the floor in a sort of medieval saint-like
ecstasy.
** You see it has one faolt," my conscience made me say ; ** it has
no signature."
" A i^roof that it is a genuine Vow Bootz. The grand old forger
never Pigned anything except copies. As you know, he was scarcely
ever sober, and in his drunken moode used to write his name on any
kind of canvas at the rate of a tumbler of port a signature."
** And it is only right to add," I continued, in my character of
Devil's Advocate, and uhing a piece of information I had picked up
from Applbblossom, CI.C., **tnat it is not in the least like a print
which is supposed to be a contemp iraneous engraving."
** The best possible proof that it is an original. Old Yon Bootz
— glorious ola scoundrel— never x)ainted anything that was really re-
produced. He preferred to betray his pubhc by signing the works of
subordinates. That's the reason why he is so scarce. Oh, those
ears!"
And the art connoisseur and I returned to our medieval saint-like
ecstasy. I am almost certain that, carried away by our enthusiasm,
we floated from the carpet. After a while I thought it time to return
PAST AND PRESENT.
Serious and mwh-Mwrrud Man. "My dkjjel Frmnd, I wab AgroinsHm) to hxa& of your mmsQ at Madams Tbou^toilis I
—A * Woman with a Pa«t,' you know !"
Th4 Friend {Ba4:h4lor ** unaUached"), "Well, you see, old Mak, she's oot a fibst-rate Ohef, so it isn't her 'Past, but
HKB * Re-past* that /care about."
to what the Philistine (by the wa^, all things considered, a yery
reasonable fellow) would <udl ** business." I suggested that it was
for sale.
** No, my dear Sir," oorreoted the critic ; ** not for sale. The Vow
BooTZ most be mine. You wiU not be so cruel as to deny me. I am
the master of tens of thousands— nay, I might say without exaggera-
tion— hundreds of thousands. If you mil leave yourself in my
hands, I think you will Hnd that I am a man of honour.''
He sat down at a deiik which I now noticed was made of ebony and
decorated with old gold and diamonds, and other precious stones.
He drew a cheque. Then he rose to give it to me. But as he
passed the picture it once more attracted his attention. He resumed
hie medieral saint-like ecstasy for a second, and then returned to his
deak.
*' I mu««t be honent," he murmured as he filled in the figures
another cheque. Then he turned to me. ** You must pardon me for
giving you the purchase-money in two drafts ; but my first cheque
exhausted my account at one bank, and I had to draw upon my
balance at another to supply the neceseary residue."
1 nearly fainted when I read the amounts.
** Not a word," said the art connoisseur as he shook me bjr the
hand. ** Although you have, J confess, half my fortune, I am richer
than I was when I met you. The Von Bootz— fwy Von Bootz — ^is
himplv of priceless valne."
And so the picture that had been sent to the box-room and nar-
rowly eeca^ the uncultured clutch of the Italian image-man, had
raised me trom comparative poverty to superlative affluence. I paid
in the cheques at my bankers, and a murmur went up from the
clerks, and the manager waylaid me at the door to press my hand,
llien I drove to my favourite stores and purchased a trifle in
diamonds to present to my wife. Fortunately, I had my cheque-
book with me, or otherwise my deposit account would have been over-
drawn by a thousand.^
** To-morrow," 1 said to my better (from a spiritual, not a financial
point of view) seven-eights, ** we will acquire the nine-hundred-ton
yacht, the best part of Norway, and the Palace at Venice. The latter
will cost a few more thousands than I care to spend. But I suppose
the foreign dukedom that comes with it in itself is almost worth ti^e five
figures. To-morrow I must see if I cannot secure that Colonelcy of
Yeomanry. Then, if you like dear, we will take the six centre
boxes in the grand tier at Covent Garden for the season, and "
'* Oh, I am so hap^y I " almost wept the partner of my joys and
sorrows ; ** and to tmnk that we should have sent the mine (3 all tills
prosperity into the box-room ! "
•' Yes dear," I replied. ** It was you, dear, who always wanted to
be free of it."
**I told you, sweet one," was the triumphant response, **to get
rid of iL and are you not now pleased that you took my advice P "
And I admitted I was.
IN PRAISE OF
[" The healthiest place in England i%
Is it sadey ye 're f alin' an' pale,
me bhoy.
Loike a sprat tnat has swallered
a whale, me bhoy P
The best tning Oi know
Is a sixer or so
On skilly an' wather in jail^ me
bhoy*
Ye 're free from all koinds o'
temptations, lad,
Ye can't overate on thim rations,
lad,
There 's so much a-head
0* skilly an' bread
Aooordin' to jail regulations, lad.
PENTONVILLE.
Pentonville Prison." — I>aily GraphieS\
They trate ye wid fatherly care,
me bhoy.
They tell ye o^ what to beware,
me bhoy.
They tache ye to be
Teetotal, ye see.
For 'tis nothin' but wather is
there, me bhoy. [me lad.
So, whin ye 're beginnin' to f ale,
That ye've dhrunk enough whisky
an' ale, me lad.
The best of all ways
To lengthen your days
Is to spina a few wakes in ther:^
iftil- mA lad 1— ■ '^-^ "^"^^^ '
jail, me lad !-■ '
42
IPUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Januirt 26, 1896.
TOAST.
Mamma, **To-dat*8 our W«ddino-dat, Tommy. You should btakd up and D&imk all our Healths."
Tommy (rising to the occasion), " Cbrtainlt. Fathsr— Mothxb^-akd **— (pointing to hdmsel/)^** ths Result 1 "
THE UNTAMED SHREW;
OR, Wantxd a Pstruohio.
(A Shakspearian Foreshadowing of the SitwUion
in France.)
Psophbtic Swan I To picture in advanoe
The fntore's pageantry of personage
And soene was liiine nniaue prerogatiye ;
So easily thy creations take the mould
Of aftertimes and characters unborn.
Paris to-day seems Padua, thy fair shrew,
The tricksy termagant, '* curst Katharine^*'
The Paduan Xaniippe, prickly, perverse,
Yet fascinating yixen, aons to-day
A Gallic gnise, and fumes in French, and
flounces
In skirts a la RSpuhUque,
What said Oremio f
** Your gifts are so good, here's none taill
hold you."'
And who may hold the fair Lutetian shrew ?
No man, ** I wis," is ** half-way to her heart
But if he were^ doubt not T^er care should be
To comb his noddle with a three- lMg'*d stool^
And paint his faee^ and use him Uks a fool,"
Here's Katharine-^hat where 's Petruehio f
** What ! shall I be appointed hours, as
though, belike
I knew not what to take, and what to
leave, ha/''
There speaks the sweet-faoed threw, and
takes to-day
What she will leaye to-morrow. Yet she
shines
Im the desoription of Hortensw.
** With wealth enough, and young, and
beauteous;
Brought up as best becomes a gentlewoman ;
Her onlyfafdt (and that is faults enough)
Is, that she is intolerably curst.
And shrewd, and froward: so beyond aU
measure.
That, were my state far woner than it is,
I would not wed her for a mine of gold.'*
And yet there be good fellows in the world,
'An a man could but haply light on them.
Would take the yeriest yixen **with all
fauUs."
And many a one hath said, or seemed to say,
'* For I will board her, though she chide
as loud
As thunder, when the clouds in autumn
crack."
But with what issue ? like Hortensio,
His head is broken by the vixen*s lute,
Ere he hath time to teach her government
Of frets or stops, or skilful fingering.
How many, with Hortensio, might say.
When asked if he could break her to the
lute,—
** Why, no ; for she hath broke the lute to me.
I did but tell her, she mistook her frets.
And bow'd her hand to teach herflnaering ;
When with a most impatient demlish spirit.
*Frets, call you theseP' quoth she: 'I'll
fume with them : '
And with that word, she struck me on the head.
And through the instrument my pate made
way :
And there I stood amated for a while.
As on a pillory, looking through the lute ;
While she did call me, rascal fiddler.
And twangling Jack : with twenty such vile
terms.
As she had studied to misuse me so.
Her masters have not learned true mastery.
And he, her latest would-be teacher, turns
Too prmnpt and pusillanimous a bade
Upon his wilful pupil, beaten off
Quicker than buneted Hortensio
In poor, poltroonish, poet-deserting flight ;
Leaving the lute whose harmonies nis hand
Should have bowed hers to, broken and
unstrung.
In the shrew's angry and outrageous msp :
See how the Gallic Katharine in her fume.
Flouting all mastery, flouncing uncontrolled
In furious anger, flings the shattered lute,
Unstrung, aside, as did the Paduan shrew.
Spuming all government — ^till Petruchio
*• Come, come you wasp : t* faith you are too
angry!" ^ [friends.
So, in Petruchio's words, say France's
Whilst foes and half-allies look doubtful on,
FVom the chill Eastward or more genial North,
Wondering what stable faith, in love or hate.
May rest upon such shifting shrewishness.
Where waits Petrtichio, and ^ ill he come
In purple velvet, or in soldier steeL
Or simple, civic, hero-covering cloth.
To tame ttiis Katharine of the Phrygian cap.
And smiling, in the mocking calm of power,
Say of the shrew, like him of Padua :—
** Think you a little din can daunt mine earn t
Have I not in my time heard lion^s roar t
Have I not heard the sea, puff*d up with
winds.
Rage like an angry boar chafed with sweat f
Have I not heard great ordnance in the field.
And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies f
Have I not in a pitched battle heard
Loud 'larums, neighing steeds, and trumpets'
clang f
And do you tell me of a woman's tongue ;
That fives not half so great a blow to tK ear
As will a chestnut m a farmer's fire f
Tush! tush! fear boys with bugbears, —
If ear none "
THE UNVEILING OF ISIS.
Thers was a Vice-President, Judge,
Who proved a big fraud a la Sludge :
But good Mrs. BssAirr
Sighed *' Let 's keep things pleasant I "
~ - laBurcheU^er^'FjidgBVl
BsBAirr— or is it
And Punch, a
'* My dear Kskjm
TheosophT's trick, superstition and cant"
To lift Isis's veil was a difficult task,
But Blavatskt's fox-nose
Is not hard to expose.
For that vulgar Isis wore only— a mask I
ShAKSPEARS FOR'THE CuRTADf-IiEOrURBD.
_•« The rest is silence ! "
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON GHAfilYABL-^AiiUABT 26, 1896.
THE UNTAMED SHKEW; OR, WANTED A PETRUCHIO.
'* HER ONLY FAULT (AND THAT IS FAULTS ENOUGH)
IS, THAT SHE 18 INTOLERABLY CURST,
AND SHREWD, AND ¥ROWARD."—Tatmng of the Shrew,
>,AatL,8oene2.(^p^p^^jp
Digitized by
Google
January 26. 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
TALL TALES
I.— THE
OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
riNK HIPPOPOTAMUS, (coktihxjbd.)
Shortly after the great yiotoiy of the Dead Marshes, the British
profundity of decd^ and daring of exeontion, she 'd ^ye a man-
eating tiger two stone and a handsome heating over any oourse you
care to name. But I am resolved to he ayenffed. Never shall it he
said that the descendant of a thoasand kings nad the oomether put on
him hy a cinder-faced old omadhaun like that. See here now," he
Army, under the command of Sir Bovaict BATTLRHORir, took pos- I continued, drawing me closer to him, while he glanced furtively
— * . . - . ^ far and I '^^^'^^^^^d **"^*^l^wy<>ioe ^.^*^^i8per, ** it's yourself I'm talking to.
session of Balmuggur, the capital of the country, known
wide as the Diamond Citv of the Ranee. There was a faint show of
resistance, hut after I nad d^eated in single comhat six picked
Hast heard of the Pink Hippopotamus P "
What ! "I replied ; *' the sacred animal of the Seriojgrap&tameHe
moUahs of the Royal Guard, the disheartened garrison laid down its the dweller in the inaccessible mountain fastness of Jam ^nmova, the
arms, and the place surrendered at discretion. We had brought deathless guardian of the royal race of this island ? "
Hadju Thar Mrebhot with us, although, in his perforated condi- ! ** The same," he answered calmly ; ** no mortal foot, save those of
tion. it was a matter of some difficulty to transport him. Still it i his priests, has ever yet approached him. The perils are manifold,
would have been barbarous to leave him behind to the tender the attempt is well niirh desperate, but vou 're not the game chicken
mercies of the neighbouring peasantry, and we resolved to attempt I take yoa for if you don't accomplish his capture and discomfit the
his conveyance to Balmuggur. Fortunately we succeeded heyond , haughty Ranee. Crikey, but I d like to hear the old gal squeal
our most sanguine hopes. I was able to render him some slisrht when they tell her her hloomin' hippo 's got took. Blime if I
services c»n the march, and, after the city had fallen, I paid him wouldn't."
daily viaics, during which I conceived a sincere and lasting friend- i ** But how shall I set about it, what ste^s ought I to take P "
ship for the gallant fellow whose only fault, after all, had been the ** Is it steps you mane P What in thunder is the man wanting P Here,
notion that he could defeat one who
has never yet given way an inch
before the hottest attack even of
overwhelming numbers. It was
quite touching to see his swarthy
face brighten into a smile when I
entered the room. He looked for-
ward eagerly to my dailjr viait, and
often told me that the simple tales
of my courage and daring with
which I entertained him were of
more use to him than all the oint-
ments and bandages and medicines
with which dear old Toby O'Gkadt
used to treat his wound. On his
side the Meebhot, too, was confi-
dentiaL Many an hour have I
spent with him listening to his
stories of court plot and palace
intrigue in Balmuggur, dark epi-
sodes of passion and crime and
sadden death.
One morning I was sitting as
usual by the Mebbhot's bedside. I
had just related to him mv adven-
ture with the Lord Mayor of Dublin,
whom, as readera of contemporary
jo«^nals will remember, I had been
compelled to chastine lor the un-
pardunable afbront of calling me by
my Christian name at a pablic
meeting, by kicking him bodily
from end to end of the Rotunda,
breaking three chandeliers as he
•pun through the air, and imprint-
ing the shape of his back on the
opposite wall, where it may still be
oDserved hy the curious. This ad-
venture, and the story of my sub-
spquent escape from the dungeons
of the Dubhn Mansion House, have rarely failed to extort applause
from those to whom I have narrated them. But on this occasion the
Mebbhot was hilent and distrait. He lay for some time drumming
in an absent-minded way with his lingers on the front aluminium
door of his wound (the famous operation had hy this time been suc-
cessfully performed), and made no comment whatever on the tale
I had related to him. Then auddenly he turned, looked me full in
the face, and addressed me. ** Harkye, Sirrah," he observed, *' your
story has interested me strangely ; but there is that in my mind
which demands an exit. Methinks that they who hold governance
hm mistake me strangely. Because I am all but corpsed, they
think they can neglect this Johkny. The Ranee has but once sent
a stable-helper to inquire after me. Grammerey, but such treat-
ment is scurvy, and I mean to show the old witch that ELldju Thab
knows what's what, and, by Jingo, he's going to haye it all the
time. That's ko." I have forgotten, I think, to mention that my
friend had learnt bin English in Seringapatam from such examples
as he could lay hit hands on in that remote island, and the result
was a certain patchiuess of Style, which did not, however, by any
means, interfere with the vigour and fluency of his diction.
''Do you suppose," I said. '*that this slight is intentional P
Aeally, I cannot believe that the Ranee would willingly neglect so
gallant and devoted a servant."
*' That shows me you littie know the Queen of the Diamond City.
Why, blow me tight, she 's as artful as a oartioad of monkeys, and in
" I peroeired the Kanee's Chamberlain.'
boy, take these papen. 1 have set
down in them clearly how the
matter may best be undertaken.
Peruse them and leam them welL
If you have resource, courage and
prudence, within a week the prize
shall he youre, and the insult oftered
to me shall he expiated."
With that he pressed a hundle of
papers into my hand, and bade me
leave him.
As*I left the tent I heard a
scuffling of feet. I darted in! the
direction in which I thought they
had g:one, and there sure enough,
running as if he wanted to break
a hundred yards record, I per-
ceived the Ranee's Chamberlain. I
set off after him, nothing loth to
give an example of my speed. Be-
sides, if the old fellow had over-
heaju us our doom was sealed ; it
was necessary to capture and silence
him. In ten strides I was close up
to him. In another moment I was
near enough to seize him. I stretched
out my hand to do so, when sud-
denly he gave two short yells,
turned round in a swift pirouette,
and, before I had realised what
had happened, landed me a tre-
mendous kick full on the chest.
The force of the blow was terrible,
and only my iron bones could have
withstood It. Seeing that I still
advanced he made at me again.
This time, however, I was too
quick for him. 1 seized him by his
uplifted ankle, and, regardless of
his appeal for mercy, whirled him
three times round my head and flung him from me. His shoe remained
in my hand, but beyond that no trace of the miserable Chamberlain
has ever been discovered. He simply vanished from human knowledge
as completely as though his body had been resolved into its elements.
It is true that Professor Spooks of the University of Caffraria
declared that a new meteor had on that very day appeared in South
Africa travelling eastwards. His discovery was sooffed at by the
scientific, but for my own part I have sometimes thought that, with a
telesoope of sufficient power, the learned Professor might have been
able to establish an identity between his supposed comet and the lost
Chamberlain of the Ranee.
Having thus dispatched my foe, I returned to my own quarters to
study the papen of the Me^bbot.
As I entered my room a terrible sight met my eyes.
(To bt eontmtted,)
The Great Trott-ing Match.
[Albbkt Tkott, in the latest representatire cricket match between Mr.
Sto])Dabt*s Eleven and All Australia, scored two " not out" inninge of 38
and 72, and took eight wickets for 43 runs.]
Gipfkk's hoys were this time, we may say without banter.
Eleven too many for stout ** Stodi)abt*8 Lot " ;
We oft read of matches as ** won in a canter,"
But this one was won, it would^ttem^ b^ A. Trott
^J)OgI
->
46
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAJRIVAKL
[jAOTABf 26, I89f.
AN APPLIED PROVERB.
C€tbh\f, ^' 'Erb, I BAY I Okly a Bob f Wot'b this r "
Fooifnan. '* Why, you 'avan t d&ov£ thk Youiio Lu>t aobohs thx Sqi;aiik 1 "
Cabl^g. ** That may bb. But if ' a Miss is as good ah a Milk/ she's bqual to Thbbs Milks, and ought to pay mobk thaw
DOUBLK FA&K 1 "
LETTER TO A D^TTTAHTE.
Dearkst Gladys,— I have been oompiling a sort of dictionary ior
loa, with a view to your seoond seaaoiu I send you a few selections
from it— with notes of advice.
Art A subject of disoassion; mild at tea-time, often heated after
dinner. [Note,— Do not take sides. Mention that Whistlkb has a
picture in the Luxembourg, er say— with a smile or not, as the
oocabion may suggest— that Sir F&sdsbio is the President of the
Academy.]
AUruism. Boring some people about other people. [iVbto.— Never
encourage Yikws. They take up too much valuable time.]
Beauty, An expansive luxury.
Boy, K **dear," any effective man under forty. K "horrid,"
about twelve, and to be propitiated with nuts, Imives and ships.
INote. — Do not offend him.]
Blaephemy, Any discussion on religion. [Note, — Look shocked,
but not bored.]
CoqiAetry, A manner sometimes assumed by elderly ladies and
very young gentlemen.
Cyniciem, Truthfulness.
Duty, Referred to by relations who wish to be disagreeable.
[iVb^.— Change the subject.]
Divorce, The occasional result of friendship. [Note, — ^But you
must not know anything about it. Read only the leading articles.]
Eccentricity, Talent.
Etiquette, Provincialism.
Flirtation, Once a favourite amusement, now dying out; but
still surviving at Clapham tennis-parties and Kensington subscrip-
tion balls.
Foreigner B. Often decorative: generallv dangerous.
Friendship, The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. Or,
a euphuism ior love.
Failure, An entertainment to which one has not been invited.
Ooodnees, The conduct of one*s mother.
Hygiene, Never bothering about one*s health.
Idiocy, The opinions of those who differ from one.
Justice, Enthusiastic praise of oneself.
Kleptomania, Stealing things one doesn*t want.
Jsove, A subject not without interest.
Moonlight, Depends on the other person. ^
Marriage, The avowed and justifiable object m life of yooog
girls. The avowed and justifiable terror of bachelors.
Nature, It has gone out of fashion, except in novels you mubt not
say you have read.
Obviousness, To be guarded against.
Philosophy, An innocent amusement.
Palmistry, Only if he is really very nice.
QuarreL A proof of love, or ol detestation.
Quixotism. D^ending the abi^ent-minded.
Romance, Friendship in London. [JVb<«.— Donot be so^ordly
credulous as to believe there is no such thing as Platonic affeoUon.
It is extrem^y prevalent ; in fact, there is hu^y anything else.]
Sincerity, Rudeness. ,, ,
Toleratwn. Culture. [Note,— You may as well, be(:in to be
tolerant at once, and save trouble. It is sure to come in time.]
Ugliness, Rather fashionable.
Untidiness, The picturesque way in which the other girl does h«r
hair
Vanity, Self-knowledge.
WHfulness, A desire to give pleasure to others.
Youth. Appreciated in middle-age.
Zoological Gardens, Of course not. Nobody goes there now.
Besides, you never know whom you may meet.
There. Gladys, dear I Write soon, and let me know when yon
are coming back to London. Sleeves are larger than ever, and
oh^nnhilU But I daresay you have heard.
Ever your affectionate friend, Masjobh.
••My Old Dutch I"
Burlington House.
Exhibition of Old Masters' Worki,
UlgiTi26d by '
d^'
Januabt 26, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
A .EENCONTKE.
(For Htwttiffgtum by the Fiyehical
SoeUty,)
Thb way was long, the train was
slow,
As looal trains are wont to ffo,
A feeble ray of glimmering lifht
Strove Tainly with the darkling
night.
And scarce enabled me to see
The features of my vis-d-vis.
Pale was his brow: no paler grow
The snowdropslnrkinginthesnow;
Hollow his cheeks, and sunk his
eyes
That gazed onmeinmoumfa wise.
So strange a man I ne'er had seen,
So wan a look, so weird a mien.
And, as I ered him, I confess
A feeling oi nncanniness
Crept slowly over me and stole
Into the marrow of my soul.
Awhile we sped, nor spake a
word;
Nonght bnt the droning wheels
was heard ;
Bat as we journeyed on together.
By tentative degrees we fdl
From observations on the weather
To talk of other things as welL
'* I had a few honrs ofF," said he ;
** So I just ran across to see
The last inventions ^I refer
To Kensington Museum, Sir.
Ton know it? What a grand dis-
play!
A splendid exhibition, eh ?
I never saw so fine a show
Of coffins anywhere, you know !
And there is one that's simply
sweet,
With handles, knobs, and plate
complete ! "
•• A coffin ! ' -Cold a shudder ran
Adown me as I eyed the man.
•• Aye, to be sure. What else P "
he said.
"'Theone that's just beenpatented.
Why, my good Sir, I will engage
It is the marvel of the age ;
For, mark you, they no longer use
Your clumsy, antiquated screws.
But just a simple catch and pin
That may be managed /rom trtVA-
He ceased, for we had reached
a station
That chanced to be his destination.
** My home ! " he murmured, witii
a sigh.
"Home— home! Sweet home! —
Good-night !— Good-bye ! "
** Good-night ! " I answered ; and
my heart
Leaped when I saw hisf orm depart.
But as we slowly glided past
The spot where Ihad seennim last,
Upon the station lamps, me-
thought.
The letters of a name I caught.
I looked again. — My hair uprose.
The very soul within me froze.
For lo ! upon the lamns was seen
The curdling legena — Kzhsal
Green I
AT LITTLE PEDLINQTON.
Jones, "Do Tou use OAsf"
Filiate Operator. "Yis, Sir. But I much pbefsr Datligbt!"
SueeEsnoi^g to the Niagara
Real Ice Skatdtg Hall Maka-
OER. — The floor is perfect for
skating, but, as there are many
who do not skate, why not have a
** sliding roof " r and visitors to
the latter not to be charged full
price, but admitted on a sliding
scale. Nice to see Mr. Edward
Solomon, who, as conductor of
the band, cuts a very pretty
figure. Dangerous, thougn. to
the real ice, to have **Sol" so
close to it ; that is, if there could
be ** melting moments."
THE LAUREATE SOCIETT.
The annual general meeting of the Amalgamated British Society
for the Supply of Laureates to the public was held yesto^ay. There
was a numerous attendance of authors and reviewers with a sprink-
ling of publishers. Mr. Grant Allen was moved to the chair. The
Chairman in presenting the report of the Directors regretted that he
was unable to con^rratulate the Society on having accomplished the
prjmarv object of its existence. Ihe filling up of the vacant laureate-
»hip. lEe nimself , he said, haa done his best. He had discovered a
new son in the firmament of poetry at least once a montii, and had
never hesitated to publish the name of his selection in one of the re-
views. He was still willing to take seven to four about Mr. John
Davidson and Mr. Francis Thompson, Mr. William Watson
barred. The balance-sheet of the Society did not show a very
flourishing state of affairs. As assets they codd enter fifteen
sonnets, twelve irregularly rhymed odes (one by Mr. Richard le
GAixnonnc), twenty-four volumes of a strictly limited edition issued
from the Bodley Head, four tons of the Yellow Book, and an unpub-
lished selection of manuscript poems written by a victim to delirium
tremens whose name he was not at liberty to mention. On the other
side, however, they had to face the fact that their expenses had been
heavy. It was becoming more and more costly and difficult to feed
the public on gemuies, and he was inclined to advise the discontinu-
ance of this branch of the Society*s operations.
At this point some commotion was caused by Mr. Le Galuekne
and Mr. Arthur Watjgh, who rose simultaneously to protest against
the Chairman's remarks. Mr. Le Gallisnns was so far carried
awav by his agitation as to hurl a pamphlet at Mr. Grant Allen's
heao. In the uproar which ensued, Mr. Le Galuenne could be
heard ejaculating ''beautiful phrases," *' richly-coloured musical
sentencee," '* ideal and transcendental^ '' *' nothing finer since Lame,''
** an for eighteenpence,'' and '* a grenius who sleeps below IJie wood-
pigeons." The pamphlet thus discharged proved to be by a Mr.
John Eolinton, and Mr. Ls Galuenne was removed in the
oostodv of a police-inspector, who was described by Mr. Waugh as a
PbiUstine.
jyfhen oafan had been Restored, Mr. Alfred Austin asked where
he came in. He had never allowed a birth, a wedding, or a death,
in the upper circles of Royalty to pass unsung ; and though he had
been a constant subscriber to the Society it didn't seem to nave done
him any good. Besides, he had discovered Ireland last year. Mr.
Lewis Morris and Mr. Eric Mackat made similar complaints.
The latter offered to write patriotic poems with plenty of rhymes in
them against any other living man. Would the meeting allow him
torecit^e P
At this point the Chairman interposed, and said that the Directors
had decided a^rainst recitations— a statement which provoked loud
murmurs of dissatisfaction. Eventually, Mr. Le Gallienne (who
had returned, disguised in proof-sheets), proposed a vote of thanks
to Mr. John Davidson, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. Grant
Allen, who proposed a vote of thanks to Mr. Francis Thompson,
who proposed a vote t>f thanks to Mr. Arthur Waugh, who pro-
posed a vote of thanks to Mr. John Lane, who proposed a vote of
thanks to Mr. Le Gallienne. All these having been unanimously
passed, the meeting broke up.
QUEER QUERIES.— War of Words.— J propos of Mr. Plow-
den's decision in the ** Flannelette case," can that worthy magistrate
have foreseen some of its effects ? For instance, wanting to buy a
sideboard, I went to a furniture-dealer's, and saw one, apparently
made of the best mahogany, which took my fancy greatly. I casually
asked of what wood it was composed and was astonished to have
the answer given me, ** Mahoganette," by the shop- walker. So I
walked out of the shop. When I want painted deal I can inquire
for that article. Again, I have noticed during the last few days a
great falling-off in my butter (though not in its price). On my
remonstrating, the seUer frankly admitted that the article was
''butterette," not butter. ''What does 'ette' meanP" I asked
him. He said it meant '* little," adding, with a wink, that I should
•Anil ••««MiM/«n. M44\a Ym^A* f /w^ » k-nA fliifl •oraa 4>ia aoaa IXTliaf
find ** precious little butter, too.'
are we coining to P— Indignant.
And this was the case. What
** Oyster ^^uw."— The prohibitive price of natives and the typhoid
scare.
48
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARXVAKL
[Januabt 26, 1895.
'"*'>; AXl-l,
' .••'/! •*""•••
ANIMAL SPIRITS.
No. I.— Football. "The Zambesi Soobohebs."
OUR BOOKING-OFJCICE.
The anonymous author of **Spot" an Att-
tobiography (HouLsroir and boirs. Pater-
noster Sqaare), whoever he may be, has a re-
markable initight into dog-nature, so far, that
is, as one who is not a dog, but a mere lover
of dogs, can jodge. Spot tells his own story
in a straightforward, honest, doggy style,
which must commend him at once to the
hearts of his readers. His reflections, from
the canine point of view, are admirably just.
He never oared for flowers. *' flow vapid,"
he says, ** is the scent of a rose, for instance,
compared with that of an old seasoned
bone." The force of the remark must be
appreciated by anyone who has watched a dog
exhuming with furtive labour a bone he had
buried a week before. A Arm foe to cats, he
yet makes an exception in favour of his
house-oat, as all civilised oat-destroying do^s
do. The bull-dog's greeting to him is, in
itself, a revelatiun of character. ** Cheer up,
youngster! Any good smells hereabouts r"
says that redoubtable animal; whereupon
they saunter together round bv the back of
the house, ** passing few smells of any im-
portance until we arrived at the ashpit.'*
But I cannot here quote at greater length
from his wise remarks. I can honestly advise
all lovers of dogs (boys especially) to read this
wholesome, pleasant, clever Jittie book.
The Baron de Book-Worms.
Slight Impkovement. — France has ** come
to the Fanre.'' That's good to begin with.
From a Republican to a ** Bourgeois " Minis-
try is not much of a step, but still it is a step,
Faure-wards, or rather upwards, as a consci-
entious, self-respecting Bourgeois can never be
an anarchist. Louis Philippk was a ** bour-
geois king." and, after him, France ** went
Nap" ana returned to Imperialism. But
where 's the Imperialist ruler now P Is the
lateist betting Faure to one on the Republio f
BLACK MAGIC.
We 'd done the latest pioture-showa,
Had honoured some with our approval.
Expressed a cultured scorn for those
That merited a prompt removal.
And then, to pass the time away,
Disbking melodramas tragic,
We ohanoMl to go- oh, hapless day I —
To see some '' feats of modem magic"
I don*t denv the tricks were good.
Nor ooula you easily see tluough them,
And few of those who '* understood
Exactly how they 're done," could do them.
But when the wizard said he 'd try
To pass a watch to any distance,
And find it in the audienoe— why
Did I afford him my assistanoe ?
1 thought to spoil the trick he 'd planned.
Nor did I even feel embittered
*When made before the orowd to stand.
Although my fair companions tittered.
But then the scoundrel in their view
Remarked, ** Is this your usual habit f "
And from my pocket calmly drew
The wuitm^ suspended from a rahhit !
The foolish people laughed and cheered.
And as I fled in hasty fashion.
My cousins even g:aily jeered
Instead of showing me compassion !
I *d grant them almost any boon.
Bat though they ask it, never that form
Will grace, as on this afternoon,
A vulgar necromancer's platform
BuMOTTB.— As ruler of the domain where
stands our great theatre and our opera house.
Sir DmuBiOLAinTS, it is reported, is to receive
the special distinction oi E.C.d., whi<^ in
his case, is the Knight of Govent Oazden.
BenetneruiL
VIEWING A HAEE.
(Afid the Prospect of a Good Run,)
The Dramatic Arthurs Society is having
a nice time of it just now with Arthuk
Pdiero, Arthxtr JONES, Arthitr Law,
Arthur Roberts, King Arthur, at me
Lyceum, aad Arthir I Beckett at the
Garriok Theatre, where Faded Flowert,
revived, are once again bloomiDg. It is s
pretty piece, well played by Mr. Arthub
Bourchiek— enoora vn Arthur -Bnd Mrs.
BouiiCHiEB, known to the public as Mi^
Violet Vaitbrugh. A littie Terry boy, aged
nine, is in it, and Mr. Buist does his very
Buiot, or best. The occasion of the revival
was the resuscitation of A Pair of SpedacUi^
in which Mr. Johk Hare is better than ever;
and, indeed, he has made it one of his v^y
best eccentric comedy parts. Again Mr.
Groves delights us with his hardwareish im-
personation of **the man from ShefSeld, a
very happy thought on the part of the
author-adapter, Mr. Gruitdt.
The occasion ot the revival, too, was also
noteworthy as being the debut of anotheroi
the Terry family, the ingenue of the o«»medy
being plaijed b^ Miss Mabel Terrt Lewis.
who certainly inherits no small share of ttoe
Terrt Talent. Mr, Gerald du Maurieb, too.
is excellent in a marvellously made-np ►mall
character part; and Bertie HAHB-theheir
of Hare— IS very Bood as the youDKsttr. Hr.
Hare has fitted on this ** pair of spe^jfj**
just in time ; not to have done so would have
been bhorteighted policy ; and through them
no doubt he sees his way to a long and higniy
satiafaotory run. These two revival* Mr.
Hare may consider not as '* a pair of sp^'*
but as ** a couple of certainties." _
Peter Prosit.
Why 18 THE MODEBK FlCTlONIST LOT A
Doe-FANCiERp-^Btcaobe he is so fond or
short tails. ^^^ "^y
FlBBUABT 2, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
49
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
(By Mr, Punch's won Short Story 4sUer.
L-THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS, (continubd.)
Ov the opposite ride of the room, with his braye old back against
the waUf stood my dear father, his arms tightly bomnd to his rides,
and a omnmerbaxid tied firmly oyer that mouth which had never,
saye in moments of thonghtless, but pardonable anger, spoken any
but words of kiudness to nis son. In front of him was oouched a
huge man-eating tiger— I recognised hishominiyorouspropenrities at
once by the pMeouliar striping of his left
shoulder, an infallible rira to a sports-
man' s eye— licking his chops in joyous
anticipation of the unresisting feast
which Proyidenoe had thus thrown in
his way. I oould see the great red
tongue darting out now on one ride of
his mouth, now on the other, while his
immense tail lathed the floor in dazzling
^^_^_^ curyes. This spectacle would haye been
^ ^S^^j^-^^^^J?^^ sufficient to shake the neryes of an or-
dinarily courageous man— but this was
not alL On one ride of i he gigantic cat lay coiled an immense python,
of the deadliest kind, and on the other one of the tallest and most
powerful elephants I haye eyer seen was squatting on its haunches,
blinking at my poor father with its wicked little eyes. I knew at
once what had happened. My father's only weakness was a fondness
amounting to mania for coDJuring tricks of all kinds. The latest mail
had brouirht us some English papers containing descriptions of the
Cabinet Trick of the DkYVSTOVi Brothers, who were at that time
(this may help to fix the date, a point on which I haye neyer cared
to trouble myself) astounding all London by thdr dexterity in un-
tying themsclyes from ropes lashed securely round them. As soon
as he had read the acoounts my father determined that he would
pactbe the trick, and for a week past he had spent hours in our
little room with coils of rope wound round eyery part of his body
in the effort, which had hitherto prayed yain, to release himself.
'Everj day the heroic old fellow, still panting from his intolerable
exertions, had murmured ** I am all but undone," but neyer— if
the expresrion may be pardoned -had he been so near his utter un-
doing as he was at this awful moment. Of oourse I knew what had
happened. The dastardly Chamberlain, whose discomfiture I haye
already narrated, must haye ^t wind of my father's daily practice,
and, taking adyantage of his state of bondage, must haye intro-
duced into our room its present horrible occupants. The room was
not a large one, and the stairs leading to it were steep^ and I haye
neyer yet been able to explain to myself satisfactorily by what
masterpiece of diabolical ingenuity the scoundrel was able to carry
out his stratagem.
Howeyer, this was no moment for discoyering explanatioup. The
rituation required instant action. Fortunately, my father's eyes
were unbandaged, and for the space of half-an-hour, as it afterwards
turned out, he had been able to control his zoological inyaders by the
mere magnetism of his unwayering ghmce. One wink, howeyer, was
bound to proye fatal, and I saw from the beads of perspiratioi^ stand-
ing upon the old man's rugged forehead that he must be yery near
the limit of his power of keepiug both eyes open. If a curop of
r^rspiration should happen to roil into one of his eyes there oould be,
knew, but one end to the business.
As good luck would haye it, the animals had not noticed my
entrance. I immediately derided what to do. Addrossing my father
silently in the deaf and dumb language, of which I am a master, I
adjured him to stand firm for another moment or two. I could see
from the expresrion of trustful thankfuines«, which stealing oyer his
face, robbed it of eyery yestige of anxiety, that he had understood my
appeal. Then creeping oautiouriy to a cupboard, I opened it with-
out the riightest noise and found, as I expected, a small coil of rope
and a dish of Salliins, a yery tasty kind of native cake. Taking two
of these, I tied one to each end of the rope, and threw it deftly ao that
one oake dropped under the elephant's trunk, while the other, by a
stroke of good fortune, fell right into the wide open jaws of the python.
The slack, as I intendf d, alighted gently in .a running noose round
the tiger's throat. What I antiripated happened. The snake, with-
out troubling itself to disooyer whence the gift had come, swallowed
the Salliin with which fate had so unexpectedly provided it. In
doing so it pulled the dainty at the other end slightljr away from the
mammoth, who, eeeing it moving from him, lost no time in sriziofl: it
with his trunk and plaring it, as is the wont of these animals, in his
mouth. The rope was immediately pulled taut, and began to choke
the tiger. His roars were awful but unavailing. Neither elephant
nor python would rf lease his hold, and in just seventy-four seconds
— I took the time by my stop-watch— the beautiful stnped brute was
a corpse. This, however, was not alL So hard did the two living
beasts struggle in their fearful tuff of war that the tiger's head
gradually became detached from his body and rolled away to my im-
moveable father's feet What would be the result of the contest ?
The agony of watching was frightfuL In my suspense I tried to
breathe a prater, but at the time all I could remember was the fifth
pronorition of the first book of Eudid, which I repeated twice over
without a single mistake. Meanwhile, the two combatants, as the
Sallfins went further and further down their throats and into their
stomachs, approached closer and closer to one another. At last only
a yard, then a foot, then six inches, then an inch separated them,
until at last— Great heayen I my hair, even as I write, stands on end
with unutterable horror — I saw the python open its enormous jaws to
thrir fullest extent and swallow, yes, literally swallow the trunk,
the tusks, and the vast head of the elephant. Slowly the immense
pachyderm disappeared. I heard his great bones crack and shiver
as inch after inch of him was remorselessly engulfed unllL after three
minutes and fourteen seconds, all that visibly remained oi him was a
little tail, which for a space waggled feebly out of the snake's mouth.
Then this, too, was still Another gulp and it was gone, and all was over.
To dispatch tiie python in its distended condition was the work of
a moment. I at once released the old man who had bem the
delighted spectator of my successful cunning. His joy, as may be
imagined^ was great, but his pride in his son was even greater than
his joy. I exacted from him a promise (which, I regret to say, he broke
only a few days aftwwards) never again to practise the Cabinet Trick.
Then^ having rung the bell and ordered my servant to carry away the
remains of the three beasts, I proceeded to make my proparations for
starting without delay in quest of the Pink Hippopotamus,
iTob^ eotUinued,)
A REVISED CODE.
[" The Ladies' Football Club haye been defeated— we make haste to add by
the weather. They are said to haye shown of late a disinclinatioii, with
which it u easy to sympathise, to practice in the cold, to say nothing of the
mud. ... A wit has Buggested that football matches uiould be settled " by
arbitration." — Dotty Graphic.']
EULBS OF THX L. F. C. \
1. ONLTtheAssociation game shall
be permitted, with the following
modifications.
2. Matches shall under no circum-
stances be played between the months
of September and May.
3. The sides shall consist of any
number of young ladies (not ** new "),
good-looking, and well-dressed, to be
captained by a good hostess.
4. These are not to run, walk, or
souffle about with, after, or away from,
any ball whatever, nor to tumble about
under any pretence, nor to perform
any evolution which may be calcu-
lated to disarrange their toilet.
5. The play shall be conducted by
the umpires, who are to be of the
male sex.
6. There shall be eleven umpires on each side.
7. In all cases where possible, the match shall be settled without ro-
sorting to brute force, or needless waste of time and breath, b? appeal-
ing immediatdy before ** kick-off " to the arbitration of the referee.
8. The referee ahall be the most intelligent and elderly foreign
count whose services aro obtainable, or, failing that, the least
athletic cabinet minister or archbishop in the neighbourhood.
9. The goals shall consist of two large marquees, in which the
respective captains, assisted by the other lady-members, shall preside
over afternoon tea and ices.
10. In the event of the baU travelliDg anywhero near the goals, or
in any way endangering the tea-things, the referee shall at once stop
all farther plav.
11. It shall be permissible, and. indeed, recommended, that ainr, or
all, the umpires shall leave the tootball alone at any stage of the
game, and attend to the lady-players, and no umpire shall be ruled
** off-side " for so doinf.
12. No cry of ** hands " or other invidious comment shall be raised
^ hen any umpire is caught asking any lady-player for her hand, or
else what woiUd be the blessed good of the duVs existence ?
13. As many ** comers " as possible shall be allowed. These are
to be in shady parts of the field or in the marquees, and are to be
used solely for flirtation.
14. A ** free kick" shall be given to any umpire who fools about
after the ball, when he ought to be in the marquee.
15. If there be insufficient space, the game may be omitted en-
tirely, and tea given in the nearest and best-laid-oat private gardeos,
where there are shrubberies and summer-houses ; or the match may
be converted, in the event of doubtful weather, into a dance.
16. Nomatchshallbedeclared**off"afterthebann8haye been read.
pmrrnvtR iuviM\i„
TOl. OVflLU
60
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAM.
[FiBBUART 2, 1895.
. i- g UJ^ «^ <..,
Digitized by
Googl^
Fdbuabt 2, ]895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
rv^
ONE TOO MANY ALL ROUND.
Spaiivman {shounng his horaea to friend who Juu ridden over to ae$ him), ** Now that's the oleykrbst little bbqoab I syxb had
IN MV LIFE— OBLIGED TO SELL HE& THOUGH— GOT TOO MANY," {IfmnTUUingly.) ** Br THE WAY, SHE WOULD CARRY YOU I"
Friend. "By Jove! Why that's the mare Obasher sold to Bolter— had too many, I remember— odd, ain't it t
Bolter must ha' had too many and sold her to you 1 "
THE INTEEESTING INVALID.
An Aliee-in- Wonderlcmdiah Sea-Dream,
["An inquiry into the ciroumstanoes under
whick tke cultiyation and storage of oysters and
other shell-fish around our coast are carried out,
which It is stated Mr. Brycb is ahout to institute,
will serve a useful purpose, especially in the case
of * other shell-fish,' "—2>flt^ mroniele,]
TwAS the voice of the Lobster, I heard him
declare,
** Doctors frighten our Dandrs, and that isn't fiur.
< Inquiry on Shell-fish ' F Oh ! blow Mr. Brtob !
You will soon be all right if you take my advice I"
"Wdl, I hojpe SO, I'm sore," said the
Walrus to the Carpenter.
, *' Or else what is to become of our pleasant
Httle pionios on the sea-shore P" said the
Carpenter to the Walrus.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were hovering round the bed
They wept^like anything to see
Kt fih Oyster hang his head
*« If they to on like this," they cried,
'* They '11 very soon be dead I "
** Drat 'em I" ^rumUed Nurse Crab.
*' They 'Te ben tikuig a dram too muoh, I
i^A eewer*^
*' Tou 're another, Mr$, Oamp^*' mnr-
ttored a Natiye, lifting his head limply from
hii browQ-sand Dolster, and dnpn&ag it baok
again with a disconsolate dab.
**If 70U make bad puns to 'em in their
lentlow itate I won^t answer for ike oon-
lequenoes." said Dr. Lobster, pulling Nurse
Ciih^s abelly apran. Jr professional re-
Bumstraaee.
Nurse Crab squared her claws like Ama-
zonian elbows, and rolled her protuberant
eyes scornfully.
**Feel their pulses," suggested the Car-
penter.
*'Tbey haven't got any," snapped Dr.
Lobster. '* Besides my daws are not suited
for pulse-feeling."
** Make 'em put their tongues out," hinted
the Walrus.
•• Tongues P" sneered Dr. Lobster, de-
risively. ** Don't yon know that, like
Chaslxs Readb's nigger, oysters are ' darned
anomalies,' —
' Because they have beards without any chin.
And get out of bed to be tucked in.' ^
*'01d riddles are more painful than bad
puns," protested the bea-ridden bivalve.
*• Tucked in, indeed. Well, / shall never get
out of bed again, that's one thing," he con-
tinued, with a spitefully triumphant look at
the Walrus and the Carpenter.
*' Oh. don't say that 1 ^' said ike Carpenter,
tearfully.
The Artful Oyster looked at him.
But no word more he said [
The Artful Oyster winked his eye.
And shook nis fevered head :
As who should say '* 'Tis not for yoM,
I'll leave the oyster-bed."
'* Siknee in the sick-room, or I'll turn yen
all out of it," snapped Dr. Lobster, malong
his daws dick like infuriated castanets in the
Walrus's ears.
As a duck in a thunderstorm, auite thunder-struck,
Each sixpenny bivale looks " aown on his luck."
Fancy six bob a dozen ! Tou ought to be nice,
Tou oear little darlings, moat dear—at the price
What hwBe you been doine to make yourself sick
Like a lot of slum-dwellers ? Come, answer me
quick!
**'Spect they're shamming," said Nurse
Crab, crabbUy.
*'I'd like to poison the lot of you!"
muttered the irascible invalid.
** Just what you 've been trying to do, you
murderous mossds 1 '^ retorted Nurse Crab.
*' Muaaelaf No! Come now! we're not
as bad as ihet^ are," protested the better-dass
bivalve, indignantly. ** Muaaeh, indeed !
Mussels are low tnings, cheap and nastv
shams, sdd by costers at a penny a plateful,
and eaten by the ravenous rabble with black
pepper and their flnaera! Eugbl" The
superior mdlusk's soul-shaking^ upper-dass,
high-toned shudder shook it into a abaro
attack of syncope, from which it was with diffi-
culty that Dr. Lobster'sministrations ralliedit
'* Call yoursdf a nuraof said the Doctor
to Mrs. Crab. '* Tou ought to be ashamed
of yoursdf . How would you like to be com-
pared to a whdk or a winkle P Tou and
your mussels! Consider the gentleman's
'*I dMt say muaaeh-^l said moaaela^**
muttered Nurse Crab, sullenly.
<«Well, well," quoth the Lobster. **Toa take
my advice.
And I fancy we'll do without HuxLSY or
Bryob.
Mere mussels or mackerel, lower-dass grub.
That flounder in baskets, or flop in a tub,
At six for a shilling, or tuppence a pound.
May go sick if they like, out we muat bring you
round ! "
lAnd Mr. Pdugh hopea they tetU,
52
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Fbbruabt 2, 1896.
LITTLE MOPSEMAN.
{The very newest DtamaHc AUegory from Nanoay.)
PERSONS.
Alfred FRitrsBCK {Man of Letter $),
Mrs. Sprbta FRirrsBCK (Am wife).
Little MopsEMAN (their Pudeldachi^ tix years and nine
months old),
MoFSA Brotik (a liftle less than kin to Alfred).
Sanitary En^aeer Blochdrahn.
The VARMnrr-BLOK.
Tilanblator's Notb.— The word ** blok,''* like the anmlogoos Nonregiaii
"ffeyteff** implies merely an indiridual — ^not necoMttrily a shady one. Of.
Elbn and Chbt alibb., ptutim.
THE FIRST ACT.
A rieMy-upholstered garden-room, full of art-pots and other
furniture, Mrs. Bprbta Frutssck stands beside the table,
unpacking the traditional bag. Shortly qfter^ Miss Mopsa
Brotik enters by the door ; she carries a pmk parasol and a
rather portly portfolio with a patent lock.
Mopsa {as she enters). Good
morninf;:, my dear Spreta !
(Sees the bag.) Why, you are
unpaoking a traTelUng -bair on
the drawing-room table I Then
Alfrbd has actually come
home? [Takes off her things.
Spreta (turns and nods wtth
a teasing smile). As if you
didn't know / When you
have never been down in these
parts all the time he has been
away I (Unpacking a flannel
vest and a respirator.) Yes.
He turned up last night, quite
unexpectedly.
Mopsa. Then it mAthat
that drew me out here I I
felt I must. My poor dear
mother, Eaia, — she that was
a Miss FosLJ, you know, ~ was
like that. She always felt she
must. It 's heredity. Surely
you can understand that f
Spreta (tc^s out a bottle of
cough mixture, and closes tne
bag with a snap). I am not
qtwte a fool, my dear. But
really, when you have such a
firm admirer in Mr. Bloch-
DRAHir 1
Monsa. He is such a mere
bachelor. I never could feel
reall]^ attracted to any un-
married man. All that seems
to me so utterly unmaidenly.
(fihanging the subject.) How
%s dear Alfred ?
}»Spreta. Dear Alfred is
tired, but perfectly trans-
figured by his trip. He has
never once been away from me
all these years. Only think I
Mopsa. That would account for it oertainlv. And I reall y t hink
he deserved some little outing. ( With an outburst of joy.) Why, I
shouldn't wonder if he has positively finished his great big llook
while he has been away !
Spreta (with a haff smile). Shouldn't 3rou ? / should. But he has
not mentioned it^-perhap« he was too tired. And he has been trying
to teach that miserable Little MopoBMAir tridcs ever since he came
back. I never did care about dogs myself, and really Alfred is so
perfectly absurd about him. Oh, here he is.
Alfred FRUrsBCK enters, foUowed by Little Mopubman on his hind
legs. Alfred is a weedy, thin-haired man of about thirty-flve
(or thirty-six) with tinted spectacles and kmp side-whiskers.
MoPSEMAK wears a miUtary tunic and a shako very much over
one eye, and is shouldering a small toy musket. 6e is bandy-
legged, with a broad black snout and beautiful intelligent eyes.
H%s tail is drooping and has lost all its hair.
Alfred (beaming). Just see what really wonderful progress Little
MopsEMAJf has made already with his drill Why, my dearest
Mopsa I ( Goes up and kisses her with marked pleasure.) You have
eome here the very morning after my return P Faney thaL
Mopsa (gazes fixedly at him), I oonldn't keep away. Yon sat
" He backs out orinfing ly. . . . Mopeetaan slipt oat after him.'*
looking quite splendid ! And how have you got on with your won-
derful Ivge book, Alfred P I felt so sure it would go so easily idien
once you had got awav from dear Spreta.
Alfred (shrwgaing his shoulders). It (^—wonderfully easily. The
truth is my thick fat book on Canine Idiosyncrasy— h*m-^\!M gone
—entirely out of my hesA. I have been trying thinking for a
change. It 's easier than writing.
Spreta. Yes, Alfred, I can understand that. And then, when
you had never really ffot farUier than the title I
Alfred (smiling at her). No farther than that. Somehow, none of
the Frutsecxs ever do. My family is a thing apart And now I
have determined to devote my whole time to Little Mopsbmak. I
am going to foftor all tiie noble germs in him, create a oonsdous
happiness in his mind. ( With enthusiasm.) That is my true voca-
tion.
Spreta. You shouldn't have dressed the poor dog up like that It
does make him look so utterly ridiculous I
Alfred (speaking lower and seriously). Only in the eyes of the
Phihstines who couldn't see any pathos in poor Mrs. Solness and her
nine doUs. The truly reverent nave no sense whatever of the ridi-
culous. Still, it would c^rtaioly be better in future to keen Little
MopsEMAKir indoors, Decause
if the dogs in the streets saw
him in those clothes — (clench-
ing his hands)— tJiil after he
has had that unfortunate
aoddent to his tail, too !
Spreta, Alfred, I won't
have you bringing up that
again! There 's someone
knocking. Come in.
TheKarmint-Blok (entert
softly and noiselessly. He is
a slouching, sinister flaure, in
a fur cap and a flowered
comforter. He has a large
green gingham in one hand,
and m the other a bag which
writhes unpleiuantly). Hum-
bly beg pardon, your wor-
ships, but you don't happen
to feel in the humour to see
how this little wounded war-
rior here (points to Mopse-
MAir) wouJd ^lish off the
lovelv little ratikins, do you ?
Alfred (with suppressed in-
dignation). We most certainly
do not. He is intended for
higher things. Get out, you
have frightened him under
Uie sofa.
The Varm.-B. He'll come
round right enough. . . . There,
didn*tl<«tf youl See how he
sniffs at my legs. It's won-
derful what a fancy dawgs do
seem to take to me— follow me
anywhere, they will. (With
a chuckling laugh.) Seems as
if they'd ^< to.
Spreta. There is oertainly
no accounting And what
becomes of them when they do ?
7 The Varm.-B. (with glittering eyes). Oh. <A«y 're safe enough, th«
sweet little creatures, lady. I 'm very kind to ^em. And if I could
ye kindly for nothing.
{He backs out cringmgly, as Spreta retires to the verandah, fanntng
herself eleganUy with her pocket-handkerchief: Mopsbmak slips
out after him, unnoticed by all. Alfred sees Mopsa's portfolw,
Alfrid(to Mopsa). And have you positively lugged this thing all
the way out here. Wiisn't it heavy r
Mopsa (nods). It had to be. It contains all the letters written to
my poor dear Mother— by Master-builder Solnbss, you know. My
Motner had such a ri<^ beautiful past £ thought Alfred, we
might look them through together quietly some evening, when
Spreta is out of the wav. [ Looks attentively at him,
Alfred (uneasily, to himself). Oh, my good gradous I (Aloud.)
It would certainly have to be some evening when But on the
whole, perhaps, I- 1 really almost ttink we had better It ian*t
as if you were really my second cousin !
Spreta (rc'^entenng from verandah). Has that horrible person
with the rats gone ? fle has given me almost a kind of turn.
FamrABT 2» 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
5S
Alfred. He is a sort of itmerant Trope, I sqppoBe. TaDdngr of
tuniB, did I tell yoa that I, too, haye experienoed a kind of inward
roYolntion away np there among the peaks P . • • I have.
Spreta, Oh, nearensl Alfbed, was it the oookery at those high
moonlain hotels ?
Aifred {soothingly^ patting her head). Not altoffether— be yery
sore <d that. Bat it is rather a long story. I shonld reoonunend yon
to sit down. (They sit doum expedtantU/,) I will try to tell yon.
{Cfasing straight before him.) When I look hack into the yagne
mists tnat enshrond. my earliest infancy. I seem almost to
Spreta (slaps him). Oh, for goodness' sake, Alfbxd, do skip the
inlroduetion!
Alfred (disappointed). It was the most interesting part I But the
long and the short of it is that I haye resolyed to renounce writinjar
my wonderful work on Canine Idiosyneraey / I am going to act it
out instead— on Little Mopsbmait. ( Wiih shinina eyes.) I intend
to perfect the rich possibilities that lie hidden in tnat rather unpre-
possessing poodle. There !
Spreta (holding aloof from him). And is that allt
Alfred. H'm, yes, that 's all. But you neyer did properly appre-
eiate poor Little MopsSmak I
Mopsa (pressing his hand). She neyer did, Alfred. But I do.
And we wul teach him the loyeliest new tridcs together. {Fixes her
eyes on him.) Just you and I.
Spreta. Alfbed. I won't haye the dog taught any tomfoolery.
You shall not diyiae yourself up like that. Do you hear P
to see to the Schoolhouse drains again ! I only laid them last
Autumn ; but there seems to be a leakage somewhere. Quite a big
piece of new work, really !
Mopsa. And you are beaming with joy oyer that t
San. Ena. Bloeh. I am indeed. And afterwards I haye seyeral
importent orains to disconnect at the great new hotel in Christiania.
and t^e most tremendous scientifio safeguards to grapple with ana
oyerthrow. What a glorious thing it is to be a plumber and make a
little extra work for oneself in the world I Miss Mopsa, can I per-
suade you to take a little turn in the garden P Do I [Offers his arm.
Mopsa (takes it). Oh, I don*t mind— proyided you cLon*t talk either
shop or sentiment. [Thevgo out together,
Spreta {looks after thenCi. What a pity it is that Mopsa can^t take
more to that Mr. Blochdbahn, isrCt it, Alfred P
\jMoks searchingly at him.
Alfred (trriggles). O h o r I don't know. For then we should
see so much less of her.
Spreta {vehemently). Oh^ come I So much the better ! ( Clutching
him round the neck.) I want you all to myself, Alfred. 11
loye you so much I oould throttle you. I'ye a good mind to, as
itisi
Alfred (choking). You are! My loyaL proud, true-hearted
Spreta, d-aon't I [UenUy releases himself.
Spreta. You haye ceased to care for me. Don't deny it, Alfred I
[Bursts into convulsive weeping.
Alfred. I will frankly admit that, like most married Norwegians,
I am^h'm— subject to tiie Law of Change.
Spreta {with increasing exeitemenf). I saw that so plainly last
night. I sent out for some champagne, Alfred, expressly for you.
And you* didn't drink a drop of it t [Looks bitterly at nim.
Alfred. I knew the brand. (WUh a gesture of repulsions) Goose-
berry, my dear, gooseberry I
Spreta. You neyer eyen kissed me, either. But you can kiss Mopsa!
Alfred, if you imagine Jam the kind of person toplay gooseberry
Alfred. Need drunatic dialogue descend to these sordid details P
Beaily this is yerging on a mere yulgar row I And when you know,
too, how I haye always regarded Mopsa almost as a sort of sister !
Spreta. I know that sort of sister, Alfred. She comes from Nor-
way I But I am none of your fish-blooded Mrs. Solnbsses. or half-
witted Beata RosiCERS, and I'm not going to stand it I I decline to
share you with anything or anybody— whether it 's a thick fat book
that neyer gets eyen begun, or a designing minx that helps you in
your precious ** yocation," or a gorging little mongrel, with his eyil
red and green eyes, that I'm often tempted to wish at the bottom of
the fiord I [ Confused cries and harks are heard outside.
Alfred (shocked). Spreta I When I am going to bring all his
desires into harmony with his digestion I JTbtr unkind of you I
(Looks out for a moment.) What in the world are all the dogs
Wking at down there P
San. Eng. Block, (re-entering with Mopsa, by alass door). Only
some organ-grinder's monkey. They haye just fnghtened it into the
fiord. SucAfunI
Alfred (in an agony of dread). Can it be our Little P But he
is burying bones in the back garden. And he is not a monkey ^
either. And if he were, monkeys can all swim. . . . What are they
saying now P . . . Hush !
San. Eng. Block, (leans over verandah raHings). They say, *' He
is still shouldering the little musket I "
Alfred (almost paralysed). The little it is Mops&cak! I
taught him to do it so thoroughly I ( With outstretched arms.) He
cannot shoulder a musket and swim too! {Glancing darkly at
Spreta.) Woman, you haye your wish I Henceforth my life will
be one long rankle of remorse I ISinks down in the armchair.
Mopsa (with an affectionate expressum m her eyes). Not aione^
Alfred I We will rankle togetiier— just you and L
Alfred (rises^ half distracted). Oh^y gradous goodness I
[He rushes down into the garden
THE BATTLE OP EVESHAM.
Who wok rrf
Dear Sir, — ^The answer to this question is
sim^dty itself —my League did it We got
the Labourers AUotments and^we gained our
quid pro quo (this
phrase has kindly
been supplied by a
distingmshed palron
ofour8)inyotes. All
efforts to proye that
Impet's the Mend,
not LoEe, were in
yain. But the credit
that it was not so
isours. — The Sbors-
TART OF THE TrITLT
RuBAL Labourers'
League.
Deae Sir,— From
careful inquiries
made in London, I 'm
conyinced that the
principles underly-
ing our League resulted in Colonel Long's
return. Enffliahmen are,^ after all, sports-
men ; and Worcestershire is an integral por-
tion of &igland. If more proof is wanted,
I need only mention that only one day before
the polling we receiyed an application from
Byesham for the formation of a local branch.
The Sec. of the SpoRnyE League.
Dbab Sir,— TTe did the trick. Wehadfiye
oanyaasers per manin thediyision, and during
the contest we paid 53,219 yisits, leaying
2,159,549 leaiets. We 'ye learnt our tactics
from organ-grinders who are paid to go into
the next stroet. Rather than keep us with
them, the electors promise us their yotes.
Nexti^easel The Sbcbeiaet of the
Irish XTlsierigal Brigade.
Deab Sot,— I belieye some were foolish
enough to imagine that South Worcestershire
men were going to abandon their Collikos to
follow Home Rule. But, as I knew^ it could
not be, and it was not. The agncultural
labourer knows his friend when he sees him:
and Ck>lonel Lokg is M.P. to-day because of
the unceasing efforts of the Labourers'
Friend, J-sse C-ll-hgb.
Deab Sir^- It is ycnry good of you to ask
me my opinion. I think that the Eyesham
contest ended in the wayit did because of
(a) the Register, (b) the Floods, (c) the Out
Voters, and (cO the Independent Labour Party.
The oonneotion with the last named maynot
be obyious. In point of fact, it isn't. But,
as a true liberal, I feel bound to allege it.
The Mak who did not Get Is.
Deab Sib,— I gladly find time to answer the
question,—" How did I win Eyesham P " I
won it because, whilst my opponent ^ot only
3,585 yotes, I polled 4,760. As 3,585 is, eyen
to the naked eye, distinctly less than 4,760, 1
was declared elected. In my humble judg-
ment—though I freely admit that I am an
interested party— the Returning Officer took
the only course that was open to him.
The Mak who bid Get Ik.
DERBY AND JOAN.
MoDSBN Midland Yehsion.
(As Sung by Sir W-U-am ff-re-wi,)
Debbt, dear, I am old and grey,
Fifteen years since our wedding day I
Shaoow and shine for eyery one.
As the years roll on.
Debbt. dear, 'tis in yain they try
To chill your heart, or to lure your eye.
Ah I dear, we stick, now as then.
The tenderest wife to the best of men.
Always the same, Debbt my own.
Always the same to your old Wife Joak I
Debbt, dear, but I did feel riled
When the Party on Pbihbosb smiled
Until men whispered, the young Scotch
Has he greatly scored? [lord,
Debbt, dear, I to Malwood went.
My ain fireside, with a heart content.
Ah! dear I though the Cause look queer,
I feel so much better when you I 'm near.
Always the same, Debbt my own.
Always the same to your old Wife, Joan !
Hand-in-hand we still go to-day.
Hand-in-hand, spite what Joe can say.
There comes a chance for eyery one.
As the years roll on.
Hand-in-hand, though the Titnes may sneer.
(Once to its columns my pen^was dear. )
Ah I dear I I 'm sure of you,' [blue.
Though Scots go wrong, or the WeLsh look
^ * '^ Always the same, Debbt my own.
Always the same to your old Wife, Joak I
Always the same to deyoted Joak I
64
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[F^RUABV 2, 1896,
l^^ir'^i'iil
Host {toUa voce).
A HOME TRUTH.
'Is THIS THi BM8T OhAXKt, ILiXS V M<uy (oudMy).
' It 'S THX BB8T TOU 'vc eOT, SiK t '
"MEAT! MEAT I"
[" We do not profess to assault every fortress
ana monopoly at the same moment. If we did wc
should get well thrashed for our pains. We take
them one by one. ... It mu«t be left to those
who have tbe responnbilitv of determining what
is to be done, when it is to oe done, and how it is
to be done."-i9tr WiUiam Hareourt at Derby, ^
Much-worried CaCs-meat Merchant
loquitur : —
CoNFouin) the oats and drat the dogs I
Sc-a-a-t, Mungo ! Down, Orimalkin !
Ye jest earn t be all sarved at onst, an' so
^ taint no use talkin'.
I 'ye lot« o' staff, ah ! quite enough to giye
ye all yer dinners,
If ye '11 but kindly bide yer time, ye scurry-
funging sinners I
But not a mite! It's bark, yelp, bite; it's
flurry, scurry, worry.
Carn^t use my knife upon my life I Where 's
yer inf ainal 'urry P
At the big lump ye 'd like to jump, each one
o' ye, full gobble.
If ye don't stop I 'U shut up shop, and leaye
ye in a 'obole I
No time, I 'm sure to slice and skewer. Ye 're
greedy, fierce, and narrer.
Each wants fust glut, and the best out.
Who 'd keep a oafs-meat barrer P
Bah I cat or dog, they 're all agog, a-squabble
and a-quiyer
For the beet ^undh, fuit out of haunoh, or
slice at shin or liyer.
Ye greedy brutes, beware my boots I Your
yelping and your yow-ing.
You scrub-haired pup, won't hurry me up ;
nor yetjour shrill mol-rowing,
You wild welsh cat. What are you at, you
lurcher P Think you Labour
Will benefit when you haye bit or worried
eyery noghbour P
Bless my old bones ! your snarliog tones, my
angry Iii-ih tarrier.
Between you and the grub you'd grab will
only raise a barrier.
Your quarrelsome temper is your cuss, if you
could only know it.
You snap all round )ike some mad 'ound.
Bite your own tot/— ah ! ^o it I
All oit-and-dog arter the prog, all say age,
snappy, yappy.
Upset the lot, and then I 'ope you '11 aU be
bloomin' 'appy I
Yah I bust the pack o' ye, I says. Your
shindj giyes me dizziness.
I'm arf inclined to chuck my ** round," or
else retire from bizziness.
It 's aggrawadous, that it is, arter such long
years sarying ye,
Picking ye out the chioest lumjM, the primest
slices carying ye,
To be a-chiyyied like this here I Here 's lot
o' fust-rate wittles,
And with your chanoe of a blow-out you 're
jest a-playing skittles.
Won't eyen giye me time to carye, much less
a chance to skewer.
More 'aste less speed I You will not find a
maxim wot 's much truer,
For dog, or cat Jack, Saitdt, Pat, or Tafft
—whose first turn it is
To-day by rights— your spitfire fights may
go on for eternities,
And bring no ffood, nor yet no food. WaU^
and ye '11 all 'aye sutkink,
But if you will not take your turns, you'll
none o' you get nothink I
••Abbkt Thought I "—"2%« Quest of the
Holy Orail,** These ]^cturee are being ex-
hibited just at the right time, when the
Arthurian legend is attracting at the Lycenmi
Mr. Ebwik a. Abbst has b6«n fiye years at
work upon this most striking series. Their
beauties are many : their faults yery few, and
wh^i these are pointed oat to tne Angb-
American artist, he gaily replies, "What's
the odds as long as I'm Abbey I " Which is
true; as none but himself can be his parallel
A WILDE "IDEAL HUSBAND."
Mr. Oscak Wili)B*s Ideal Husband^ at the
Haymarket, is an interesting nlay up to the
end of the Third Act ; and u this climax had
been oontriyed more artLstically, and less con-
yentionally, the situation at the fall of the
curtain in this act would haye been a yery
powerful one. As it is it is frittered away in
conyentional dialogue, and the Fourth Act is
decidedly weak. It is throughout excellently
played by Miss Julia Nbilson and Mr. Wal-
LBR in the two principal characters. Mr.HAW-
tbrt's performance, in spite of his curious
habit ofraising his yoice to suoh a mtch as to
suggest his playing to the cab-ranlc outside,
is admirable. Tliere are here and there sharp
bits of dialogue in it, though scarcely a line
in the Ughtor yein that rises aboye fardoal
oomedy.
Mr. Bishop's JBarl of Caversham is a
thoroughly natural pieoe of acting, and
Mr. Bboootblb's Phipps^ the Butler, a bit
of charaeter so perfectly rendered that like
Sam WeUer^s Valentine, it makee you *^wish
astherewasmoreofit." MissFAjnrTBBOueH,
haying plenty to say. but not much worth
listening to, ooes her oest with a noor part
Miss Maudb Millett is nice, and Miss Fio-
BXSfCE WiEST as unsympathetic as her part
was intended to be. That when Sir Jtoberi
Chiltem proposed to retire from Psrha-
mentary life no one suggested to him that
he should take *'the Ghntem Hundreds" u
eyidently an oyenifht of the author's, which
no doubt he now oeeply regrets. The pw«
though in sharp diuogue not up to^ Mr.
Wildb*s hiffh spirits-and-water mark, is an
Lable success. _-■ '^.-^ '*--^^:^ ■-^^-^
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Febbuabt 2, 1896,
((
MEAT! MEAT!"
H-BC-ujiT. *;N0W look 'EEB— you just wait your TURNS-OR you 'LL none of you get NOIHlN^r^
Digitized by
Google
FlBOTABT % 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
67
COY CLIENTS.
In the nno CommereM Court. A thin
tnnnkUng ofJunidrSj one or two Q.CJ8,
UsherSf and the uiual contingent of
people from the etreet who are glad of
shelter and a eeat^ a$uL who do not even
pretend to take any interest in the pro-
ceedings.
This Judgs.
Odd, that the
mercantile eom-
m unity does not
even now Beem
^\ ^iHi attra^ited to this
^\^ mm hik Court. You are
gure, Mr. Ridbaooe, that the induoements
whioh we offer to litigants are widely known P
Mr, Eedbagge, Q.C. The officer of the
Court teli« me, m'lud, that he has sent
round eiroulars to every mercantile establish-
ment in the City.
2%e Judge. Our scale of oommissions is
surely generous enough ! By the new Rules
of Court whioh I haye made, a bonus of £500
is offered to any merobant who swears, on
affidavit, that he was about to resort to arbi-
tration bat decided to come here instead.
Then I think the plan of givinj^ his head clerk
one ]rear*s rent of his dweUing and a free
fortnight at Yarmouth for himself and bin
family, as a reward for influencing his prin
eipal to resort to us, was rather adroit — eh,
Mr. Rbdbaoob Y
Mr. Redhagge, Q.C. Excellent! And the
boxes of ch(M*olate to his door-keeper, and
free tioketb to the mubic-baUs for other sub-
ordinate members of his establishment, ouqht
to have brought a plethora of business to this
oourt.
The Judge, duite so. Not to mention the
fact that we pay counsers and solicitor's
fees out of pubbc fund«, instead of looking to
the litigants themselves to provide them. If
thai isn't cheap justice, I should be glad to
know what is.
Mr. Redhagge {deferentially). And the
mercantile classes must surel> he aware that
no Judge on the Bench has a greater know-
ledge of the law than your ludnhip.
fhe Judge (ignoring the flattery). Unfor-
tunately the mercantile classes seem also to
have a knowledge of the law, and not to like
what they know of it. So they resort to the
ruinous— I re{>eat, the thoroughly ruinoua—
practice of arbitration.
Mr. Redhagge. It is really a serious state
of things, mUud—forus, not for your ludship.
** mioee who live to plead, must plead to live'*
—and it*s a little oifficult to ^ead when—
{breaking daum) — ^there are no clients.
The Judge (soothingly). We must think
of some other plan of attracting them, I sup-
pope. How would it be if , instead of troubling
them to come here, the Court offered to go
to their odffices and sit there f Or perhaps a
few baronetcies scattered about among them
might have the desired effect. Well {rising)
as there are no. cases on our list^ and no
proq;)eet of any, fhe Court is forced to
adjourn I {Does so.
LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.
ON THE ICE.
Whbn the sun was shining brightly.
When the world was gleaming whitely.
And Jack Frost held Nature tightly
In a vice.
It wan joy supreme, though fleeting,
Fair Amavda to be ^rreeting.
When the country side was meeting
On the ice I
Happy he whom smile the Fates on.
Whom they shower tete-d-tetes on.
How I used to whip her skates on
In a trice !
And, as off we *d skim cross-handed.
Leaving all my rivals stranded,
1 was glad, to be quite candid.
On the ice !
How we gave evasive answers.
When they praised our skill as dancers.
And to skate a set of lancers
Would entice ;
How we thought them crude and ** orocky "
Loving pairs to try and jockey
Into wild dc^hts of hookey
On the ioe !
To the flffure-i>kating shilling
Sung inolosure we were willing
To subscribe— 'twas cheap but thrilling
At the price :
Yet the busy scandal-riggers
With sarcastic little sniggers
Talked of people ** cutting figures "
On the ice !
All my heart, as I would hold bf r
Little hands in mine, a-smonlder —
'Twas a fact I nearly told her
Once or twice :
But, each time, what put a stopi>er
(>n my declaration proper
Was a sweet and timely cropper
On the ice !
Then the thaw came. Oh, the bother I
Oh, the words we had to smother I
Ne'er again we '11 And each other
EW so nice:
Now Amanda 's always seizing
Opportunities of teasing ;
Oh, the wasn't half so •* freezing "
On the ice I
Ms8. R. wants to know where that old
quotation comes from, so appUoaUe now —
** And Freedom shrieked when Padbkewski
played!"
Of course Freedom went into the free seats
^ any) and shridLcd with delight
ROBERT ON COUNTY C0UN8ELLER8.
Mb and Brown, and sum two <nr three of
our most intimet f rends, has had a most liberal
offer made to us, rite in the wen/ art of Sent
Pancras, to go out a canwassing for the
County Counsellers when the elections begins
shortly.
I need soaxoely say as they havent made
much effect upon me.
as I knows em too well
from what I hear about
em at our own Gildall
andtheManshun House,
but the terrems is sut-
tenly werry liberal, both
in refreshments and in
premisses, but they all
depends upon their suck-
cess, and from what I
hears that aint likely
to be werry great. Of
course in the grand old
Cittjr that wont be not
nothink, but ewen in
Sent Pancras I hears
as it wont be anythink
werry ffrate. I*ve bin
up to tiieir own Gildall
at Charinff Cross again, but they does make
bitch dreuful long speeches that they quite
tires me out, and they are all about such
dredful tiresome subjecs that I soon gits
weary on em.
I was told down at Gildall that one of our
most poplar aldermen had quite made up his
mind to try and turn out the Prime Minister,
Lord RosKBSRBT, I think his name is, from
representing a County Council, but there must
have been sum mistake sum where, for Prime
Ministers aint exactly the sort of gents as is
ginerally selected to represent her most
gracious Majesty the dussir, as I spose as
the P&nne MiirisTEa does, and to be a County
Counselier as well. No, no, them sort of
thinffs dont exady go together. Our Gildall
peeple dont seem werry much alarmed about
the fuss has has been made about their
Unyfeoation, as I think they csJls it, which is
supposed to mean that they are all to be
turned out of Gildall, and all London to be
created into one great body of Common
Counselmen I And what is to become of all
our numerous Aldermen and Deppertys, and
settera, not none of us knows a bit I But of
course that's all nothink but merenonsence,
that helps to keep our reel gentlemen in
good humer. They dont seem in werry bad
sperrits, for sum of the mo^t importentest
of em all had a grand meeting on Tuesday
last, and laid the werry fust stone of a
butif ul new Manshun, werry dose to Gildall,
which I am told is to cost about thirty-five
thowsand ponnds. and will take a hole year
to bild, so that didn*t look as if they were
auite mtened out of their wits ; and just to
[low the principle ^ents among em as
there wasn*t not nothink to fear, the nobel
Gent as took the chair inwitea amost a
hundred of em to dine with him in the
most scrumpeheous way possible, and drunk
their helths all round I There was only
just about harf a dozen of County Counsellers
present, and they was just about ss ^uiet as
they ginerally is when reel gents is with em.
Brown tells me as how as he hears that
the Prince of Wales is most strongljr oposed
to the Old Citty being interfered with, and
that amnst all the great House of Lords
agrees with him, so there aint much fear of
much being done, after alL Robrbt.
Air Appropriate CIuotation to bb placed
ON THE Urn op the Ashes of omB Cre-
mated.-" WeU done I "
58
PQNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[FlBBUABT 2, 1895.
FROM THE QUEER AND YELLOW BOOK.
I.— 1894.
(^y Max M9r$hoom.)
" Linger longer, Lucy,
Lmger longer, Loo.
How I M like to linger longer.
Linger longer, Loo ! "--Ola BaUad,
I SUPPOSE there is no one that has not wished, from Time to Time,
that someone else had lived in another Age than his owd. I myselt
haye often felt that it would have been nioe to live in 1894 ; to nave
seen the " Livitig Pictures " at the old Empire, to haye strained my
Eyes for a glimpfie of Mrs, Patrick Camj^ell, broken my Cane
applanding May ITohi, aud Ustened to the Blue Hungarians while
dining, on a Sondav, at that qoaint old Tavern the Savoy. At that
time the Beauties from New York had not quite lost their Yorue.
Chbistopher Colukbus, who discovered the United SUtes, left it to
the Prince of Wales to invent their inhabitants : pereonally, I am
Perhaps in mv Study I hare fallen so deeplj^ beneath the Spell of
the Age, that I nave tended to underrate its unimportanoe. I f tnoy
it was a Sketch of a Lady with a Mask on, playing the piano in a
Cornfield, in a low dress, with two lighted Canoles, and signed
** Aubrey WeirdsUy,** that first impellel me to researoh.
But to give an aoeurate aocoont of the Period would needafsr
less brilliant Pen than mine ; and I look to Jerome K. Jebome and
to Mr. Clemeht Scott.
IL— TOO&ALOOKA. A Fjugmeht.
{By Charing Cross,)
• •••••
** Mt hair f " she said. ** It touohes the ground."
As she spoke, she seized her fringe by the roots and flung it on the
floor.
, **A marvellous feat for a European," I murmured with some
j difficulty. "Will you have another drink?"
I '' Yes," said Tooiraloora : '* I make it a rule always to get in-
j toxioated in a publio-house."
n n n.
Tlie Yellow Book
London; TKe Bc^ey ilead,
' \^go Street.
Rublish may ta
shot here.
^/3^
Pictwrs by Our Own YeUovo-Bocky Daubaway Weirdsley, inteiuUd as a Puaale Picture to prtfaee qfJwoemle Poems, or eu nothing in pasiieular.
more im^deoted with their Botany ; and am, indeed, at this moment,
engaged in a stud^ of the Trees in Amerioa. Muoh of this remote
Pcuriod must remain mobled in the Mists of Antiquity, but we know
that about then flourished the Sect tJiat was to win for itself the
Title of the *'DecadenU.*' What exaotlv this Title signifled I sup-
pose no two entomologists will agree. But we may learn from the
Cdrioatures of the day what the Decadents were in outward sem-
blance ; from the Lampoons what was their mode of Life. Nightly
they gathered at any ol the Theatres where the plajrs of Mr. Wilde
were Ming given. Nightly, the stalls were fulfilled by Bow upon
Bow of neatly-curled Fringes surmountipg Button-holes of monstrous
size. The contrasts in the social Condition of the time fasdnate me.
I used to know a boy whose mother was actually present at the
** first night" of Charley's Aunt, and became enamoured of Mr.
Penley. By such links is one Age joined to another I
I should like to have been at a Private Yiew of the " New EntfUsh
Art Cluhy There was Croichet.^e young Author of the Mauive
Cameliia ; theru were Walter aickert, the veteran B.A. ; Oeorge
Mimre, tlie romimtidt^t; Charles Hauftrey, the tragedian, uid many
another good fellow. The period of 1894 must have been delioious.
I did not offer her a chair, I flupg one at her head. That impulse
towards some physical demonstration, that craving for physioal con-
tact which attadcs us so suddenly with its terriflo impulse, and
chokes and stifles us, ourselvei, beneath it, blinding us to all except
itself, rushed upon Tooraloora then, and she landed me one in toe
eye. Now, this was the moment I had been expecting and dreading,
practically, ever since her hand had left mj ear the night before^
this moment when it should strike me again. I do not mean oon-
eiously, but there are a million slight, vague, phjsioal experienoes
and sensations within us of which the mixid remains almost uncon-
scious: and I have no pretensions to physical courage. For a second
I felt the colour rise to my face. Bverv expletive that should have
been forgotten, I remembered. My pulses seemed beating as thevdo
in fever, my ears seemed full of sounds, and I felt the cold touch of
the poUceman's grasp like ice upon my diouLder as a voice murmurs^
**Tms means forty shillings or a month.". . . When we reached
the station I flung myself upon the floor, leaning my head upon m;
hand, the white powder upon my coat stiU lingered. I
to hear Tooraloora murmur, ** 'B don't know where 'E are "
FiBBUABT 2, 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
59
AT THE OLD KA8TESS.
Thb fdUowing selMtionB may
aMiBt t^e Art-irfcadeiit ymixng
Burlington Hooie :—
Ko. 3. By Gaones Bomrsr.
Not 80 mnoh a ** Bom Knee" as
a qneer left ann. Gont appa-
rently, skilfully demoted.
No. 5. By Sir Hknbt Bas-
BUBir, B.A. Lorenzo and •/««-
giea^ at 50 and 40 respeetiyely.
Ko. 9. By Sir Joshua Bet-^
KoiiDe, P.B.A. Selected from
JUynoidi^ Miscellany. Portrait
of a gentleman in foil uniform,
out for a iralk, on a stormy day,
on the sea-shore. He is eyidently
sayinff, ''Here 's a nice predioa-
mentl I 'ye ]powder on my hair,
no hat, and it's ooming on to
pour oato and dogs."
Ko. 13. By Sir Joshua Bkt-
K0LD8. A PoHnitof TheMar-
qme of Oranhu, Presented, of
oourse, hy Mr. Wkllrr, Senior.
Prohably the original sign of the
inn of whioh Mr. W. was pro-
prietor.
No. 16. By GsoBGS Bomhet.
Portrait of Mre. Farrer,
Charming. Might go Farrer
and fare worse.
No. 24. By GxoBesi . . .
Bomnnr. Portrait of Lady
HanUUon. ** Unfinished" —
but perfect.
No. 38. "A Constable"— who
arrests our attention. This^ou
may depend upon it, is a Con-
stable ¥iith a warrant.
No. 50. ByBvKBUANDT. Man
''>^^
LittU Sinks.
Leys TO THEM."
Big Bovnderson,
TO Mm!"
^vc^\.
DE GUSTIBUS.
I OKLT OABB TO TALK TO WOMXN WHO LKT MB MAKE
•i ONLY CAKE TO TALK TO WOMEV WHO MAKE LOVB
g a hawk. Yery graoe-
but a Hawk- ward sort of
person.
No. 51. By Gerard Tebbubo.
A lady, after taking something
which has disagreed with her.
"Prithee, why so pale?"
No. 68. By Yait dbr Helst.
It is oalled a ** Family Group,"
—probably in oonsequenoe of
the wife being shown as pre-
senting her husband witn a
hare.
No. 73. ByDiCKHAiA. Be-
gard the wondrous coUars. It is
^* Collar Day." Must haye been
the work of two artists, as this
oould haye been painted by no
one Hals ( I ! )
No. 94. By Sir Thomab Lau-
rence^ P.B.A. ** The bells are
a ringing for Sarah." Curtain
rises and Sarah steps forward
to sing.
No. 122. By Jacob JoRDAEirs.
Splendid. ** Try our stout.
Jam!"
No. 126. By J. M.W. Turner,
R.A. ''Snowstorm.'* Wonder-
ful ! I But where was the artist
when he took it?
Do not leaye without dosely
examining No. 181, by Fran-
cois Clouet, •* Portrait of a
Princess." And do not neglect
the "gems of the ooUeotion"
in the Wator-oolour Boom.
This is full of ** interesting and
remarkable cases" whioh haye
been fully reported in aU the
rMspers. The exhibition is open
till March 16. Don*t miss it.
BOBW, FSBBVA&T 13, 1849.
DiBD, January 24, 1896.
Gone I— like a meteor whelmed in night.
Who should haye shone as fame's fixed star !
Unwelcome loss, when sons of light
So few and so infrequent are.
To flare athwart the startled sky,
A prodigy portentous, fills
The yision of^the yulgar eye.
The common soul with wonder thrills.
And much of meteoric glare
Seemed herald of that steadier oourse,
Whioh, drawing less the general stare.
Spoke to the wise of light and force.
Now all's ^ctinot in early gloom.
Eclipsed in shadow premature.
A brilUsnt souL a bitter doom I
And who ffhall read with judgment sure
The secret of the light that failed.
The mystery of the fallen star r
Though whilom worshippers haye railed.
Though dingers to the conqueror's car
Beriled a yanquished yictor's name,
The brightness of that brief career
Defies the dullards who defame.
Confounds the inoompetento who sneer.
But yesterday, in sooth it seems.
The promise of the platform's pride
Inured a Party*8 youthful dreams,
And filled to flood their hope's hi^h tide.
Now all is hushed, — saye the sad yoice
Of admiration and regret.
Which, si>ito of f action^s smeenful noise,
Ne'er failed stout son of England yet I
Ht took ahouse in Hampshire. Why ? Be-
causeiie'said he liked to yisit his old Hants.
A FEELING PEOTEST.
Sir,— I haye recently seen letters and para-
graphs in yarious newspapers instigating
trayellers going abroad to choose the Folke-
stone and Boulogne route instead of going
rt^ Doyer and Calais. I forget what particu-
lar reasons are giyen for adyooating this
substitution, nor do I care what they are or
what they may be. Why? Because, first,
undeniably via Dover to Calais is the shortest
route, and to those of BRiTAirKiA's sons and
daughters— gallant islanders all— who detest
the sea as much as does the humble indiyidual
who now addresses you, the saying of twenty
minutes or half an hour, or in some instances
it may be eyen more, of the seat-passage would
be well worth any extra exi>en8e (if extra ex-
panse there be, whioh, an' I remember
rightly, is not the case), especially when aboard
such steam-yessels as are now proyided;
though, be the steam-yessels what tney may,
there is still in one and aU of them that
peculiar flayour and motion about which I
would rather not speak, or eyen think, lest I
should be unable tonnish this important letter.
But there is yet another reason why the
Doyer and Calais route is the best of all ways
to the Continent, and that is on account of
the excellent d^euner— still, as I belieye,
unequalled at any port or at any stetion in
Europo— seryed to the many noor hungry
and thirsty trayellers quickly, hotly^ and as
comfortobly as the coiuounded busthng cir-
cumstances of trayel will permit. Why the
railway company which takes us to Paris
cannot giye us three quarters of an hour for
our yery necessary toilette (after the sea
passage) and our food, and then do the
journey in double quick time, or in the same
time as now for the matter of that (for what
does it matter to the accomplished trayeller
who ** does know where he are " and where
he wHl be, and has pre-ordered eyerything
wisely and well P), and so get up to Paris in
time for a little late supper and an early bed?
For tiiose who yalue their digestiouB, and
who loye good food and drink, eyen when
they haye but a short time for refreshment,
there is but one route to Paris from London,
and that is vid Calais, i.e. vid the buffet.
Only, cher messieurs les diredeurs de la ligne
du Nord, cannot you possibly manage to ex-
tend our luncheon-time at Calais to just
three quarters of an hour, instead of giying
us <mly a beggarly twenty-fiye minutes at
beet, and do the thing well while you are
about it P As to the Boulogne route, well,
one goes to Boulo^e to stay, and so the
buffet, en passant, is of small importance.
May this reach the eyes and touch the
hearte of all in authority, for it is a cri du
cceur from An LfoONSXAin: TRAyEiLSR.
TO ATALANTA,
Ah, Atalakta I timely wise.
When the disdain within your eyes
That wondrous yision daunted,
The golden apples, they whose spell
Both gods and mortals xnew right well.
Eternally enchanted.
Yon instantly the race forbore.
You made your choice for eyermore
And gathered up the burden !
The ancient spall had conquered you,
The distant goal you did not rue.
You won a dearer guerdon !
Oh, modem Atalakta, sUy,
When with Hippomenes to-day
You arduously grapple I
An instant ponder on your case
If you should oyer lose the race.
And likewise lose the apple i
60
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
[PmRUABT 3, 1895.
^MLfcH^-.
4.-i|.S
ANIMAL SPIRITS.
Na II.~Skatin9. •
OUR BOOKING-OmdE.
DELIGHTFUL remioiaoences are thead of GxoBes Augustus Sola's,
told in his own peonliar rattHoff-off, runnin^-on, on»-aneodote-
down-t'other-oom»-on style. Of all^'people he has met" he has plenty
to say, bat nil nt$i honum,' all wnt with a ma^am-b>num pen.
Onoe he was a *' Gipsy King,
ha ! ha ! " hnt, long ago, as
he tell»iis, he renotmoed all
olaims to the throne of Bo-
hemia, abdicated, retired,
and, no more a Bad, ban led
a Reformed Clnb life. Who
wrote the bnrlesqne Eaffene
Aram yerses, ending with,—
' And G-BORGB Augustus
walked before,
With gyyes upon hU wrist ** P
All the notabilities of his
earlier days were mentioned
in that poem, at least ao I
believe, for does it not belong
to a date when the Baron
had not oome within measur-
able distance oi. his title
when he watched the grc'at
guns from afar with awe: when he saw them in the Cyder
reUars and at Evans's, both of wMoh ni^ht resorts he, having
been first taken there by a kindly bnt ii^ndidons man-abont-town,
subaeqaently patroniffed on sooh hohdays as were o^CTod to
him by the jovial nights after the Eton uid Harrow matches at
Lord's, and on the eve of such a festival as the University Boat
Race. The Baron in those happy days and nights was attired in
the costume in which Richard Dotls has^^esaed yonug Clive
Netccome when he aooompaaied hia father, the Colonel, on that ever
memorable evening to The Cave of Harmony, find heard the aong
that made him so wrathful. There are no Cyder Cellars, Coal Holes,
and Evans's nowadays, which owlish resorts were strictly restrioted
to the Tia€s of the male sex, yoimg and uH. But even if a kind,
considerate leirir^lsture does in^iet on ertiaguishing the lig-hts, ana
turnings nsout in tbe stretta at I'^/^a pred&ely, are morality and behalf h
HO very ranch benefited by tbe j>roceea ? Isn't iteheerfnl to read of the
pleaeaiitly convivial late hourt in the Georgian Aujrustan Era f The
oelebritieB at bcime and abroad that he kiew were legion, and 1 11
be bound (a^ the Book said J that he hasn*t emptied his memory
itorsi by many & enpbc»ard full liere ia one aentiment which
appealfi to tbe Baron a head, heart, and poc^t, and detighteth him
In the Baron's Gt>od Books.
hngely—- it is OvoitGS Ai76i70!ru8*8 righteona d«nI^Ioiation of **the
nnjnat and iniqnitoua income-tax.'' The Baron aa^a ditto to
fifr. G. A.S. at p. 310, vol. ii. LUerQlia,ihe antobiographiat ia
correct in aajing that Madisoit Mohton's Box and Cox waa con-
cocted from Une Chambre a Deux LUs **and another French
farce," of which, as he doean*t j^ve the name, the Baron will here
take the liberty of mentioning it. It 'waa a farce with, miisio* that
ia to aay a comSdie'vauderiUe en un aete, written by Mewira. La-
BiCHE and LvFRAKc, and produced at the Palaia-Royal in 1846. Tta
name was Frieette. Box and Cox was tMtdnced in 1847 at the
Lyceum. Yery little fnmitnre for the Englii^ farc&waa taken from
Une Chambre a Deux Lits^ bnt packages of dialogue were handed
in to Box and Cox from Frtsette. The Barok db B.-W.
A GOD IN THE OS-CAR, .
[" Amongst the candidates for the Begins Profasaorship of History at
Cambridge is Mr. OacAB Brownino." — Dail^ I'laper,]
The Hiatonr Professorship —
Who 'U from the Pbxmdeb get
the post?
Here 'a Mr. Oscab Bsow7aif&, one
Whoae name is chosen from the
host.
But should Lord R. o'eilook hia
claim.
Oh! will 0. B. be wildly riled.
In fact, will Oscab Bbowkiko
then
Devdop into Oscab Wilde F
QUEER aiJERIES.--CosTLTCoLOUB&-Couldsomereaderinform
me whether it would be of any use to request the Works Committee
of the London County Council to paint my back door for me P It has
become a little diacoloured through age»^ and a local oarpanter baa
offered to put on ** two coata of good aage-green eoam^ jMlint " for
fiive-and-sixpence. But aa I aee tha^t the Worka Committee only,
apent £2,186 over the painting of Hammersmith Biidge, I faqoy
that it would be cheaper to employ the^, if I could. It ia pleaaanll
to think what expeptionally fair wages they muHt have paid oyer this
job (uaing the wwa in its natural meaning), and how much time tiie
poor men engaged in it must have been able to give .to their fsmiiy
droles. This is as it should be.— Tkue Peo6eb8sivb,
KiAtiAJiA Hai-u— They say the i^hain ice here ia almott perfect,
very nearly as g«od aa the real ioe^ in fact bo little is the dinerenee
between the r^ and eham that a skater, unJcme he bad tried it,
would hardly real-ice itf The band playa, **Hwfft (Williama) d
thee Pm fondly dreaming I *' aa the paftneurs and pafinouses who
have paid their three or five ahillingB ghde about at the fate of either
eight^npcnoe or two-and-sixpenoe a foot* - >.
FCBBUABT 9. 1895.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
TO LUCENDA.
{Whohadmade''Copy''9fMe,)
The bright September when we
met
My prospects were not oyer
healthy,
Though yon were, I do not forget,
'Sxtremely wealthy.
I know sot why it chanced to be,
But this I recollect most
dearly—
It never once occurred to me
To loye you dearly.
'Twas not'your fault, so do. not
▼ex
Yourself, for I admired your
beauty.
Since admiration of your sex
Is Man's Whole Duty.
And thus it came to be our lot
To part without aaignor token ;
I went upon my way, but not
The least heart-broken.
Mr " fatal pride" does not object
At your fair hands to be made
yerseon;
But p'raps next time you will
select-
Some other person !
Unakswerable.— The Arch-
bishop of Canterbttbt, speaking
at Folkestone last week, said that
" The Disestablishment Bill does
not need any answering : it an-
swers it*elf." An' it please your
Grace, if it does " answer," and
answers its pnrposCj what more
can be reqidred of this BiU or any
other?
The New WbathbbPeovebb.
— It neyer rains — but it snows !
QUEER aUEEIES.
Freezino the Vebtebbjb.—
I am in the last stage of bron-
ohilis, complicated with pneu-
monia, induenza, and asthma,
and & friend has adyised me to
try the new French cure r*f
apply ID JT ice to the sjiine. Will
8om« obliging physician tell me
whether he considers such a
oourse safe P None but a recog-
nised specialist need trouble to
reply ; and if he does so, I shall
have the satisfaction of feeling
that I haye sayed his fee, as
wfU aa my own life. My boy
adrif*es me to go tkatiDg, and
'' I bhall be sure then to haye
my baok applied to the ice,"
^hich he says is the same thing
as applying ice to my back.
But ia it ? A nephew who is
8ta> iof? in the house also kindly
offers to ** shy hard snow- balls
at tn^' t^pine," if that would help
me in any way. It is a mty
that the newspaper (from which
I derived this mediini hint) was
not ckar as to details; for
instance, when I have applied
the ice^ what is to preyent its
meltiiri? faod trickling all oyer
me?— Kou-PATiKG Patient.
BRAVE GIRL
Millieenti from the country). "Aoir, MabklI
Meteorological Moralising.
^Tis au ill-wind which blows
nobody good.
And one man's meat another's
poi&on is. [mood.
What h disaster to one man or
la' to another mood or man
** good biz."
What to your dramatist, means
love's labour 's lost.
Tour woidd-be skater crayee—
** a perfect frost!"
OUE BOOKING-OFFICE.
By the publication of The Play Actress
(8. R. Ckockett) Mr. Fishek Unwin fully
maintains the success attained by his Auto-
nym Library. My Baronite is least attracted
by the scenes which posnbly pleased the
author most -those in which he describes life
in the purlieus of London theatres. Mr.
Gboceett is much more at home in Gkdloway,
and with the people who sparsely populate it.
The opening chapter, describing Sabbath day
in the Kirk of the Hill is in his best style,
as are others describing the Great Preacher's
tender caring for his little arrand-daughter.
The Play Actress is just the sort of thing
to buy at a bookstall on starting for a jour-
ney. It will be felt to be a matter of regret
if the journey isn't quite long enough to
finish it at a sitting.
In The Worst Woman in London ("and
other stories," a subtitle craftily SDuprepsed
on the outside of the book by F. C. Philips)
the author giyes us a number of capital
detached stories ai a most irritating abrupt-
ness. Almost eyery one of these stories is a
noyel thrown away ; that is, eyery story is in
itself the germ of what might haye been a
good noyel. They are little more than "jot-
tings for plottings." Yetj to be read with a
pipe or small cigar, they just suffice to wile
away time and obyia^e oonyersation. They
are dedicated to Mr. Walteb Hebribs Poir-
LOCK, who has on more than one occasion
shown himself an adept at real good short
stories— not merely as plots, but g«nuinely
complete in themselyes and full of humour —
and from whom the Baron expects something
more in the same line, or, rather, on the
same lines. The Babon j>e B.-W.
A MODERN ECLOGUE.
Scene— -r< Crowded Thoroughfare. Enter
Stbephok and Phyllis on bicycles^ at
the rate of fifteen miles an hour.
Strephon.
We care not, Phtllis, my own, to-day,
For walking in Kensington Park,
To flirt in the old conjentional way,
And saunter home in the dark.
Nay, pleasanter far it is to '* scorch"—
to hear your silvery bell.
While the answering squeak of my horn
may speak
For the fact that I bye you well I
Both.
O h. is n't it sweet to dear the street,
While elderly persons frown I
••Now, stoopid, look out! "we pleasantly
shout.
And bang goes a gentleman down
PhyUU.
Stusphon, I loye you, I confess.
For who could fail to admire
The humorous way you siKiil address
And ruin a girl's attire P ~.^
To see you silently creep along,
And then with a burbt of speed
Spread liberal dirt on the feminine skirt
Is a sight for the gods, indeed!
Both.
Oh, isn't it glee to do it. and see
The lady-pedestrian flinch.
With jubilant rush to scatter the slush
And miss her foot by an inch I
Strephon.
I frightened thosehorses, I 'm much afraid,—
The exodlent coachman's riled !
PhyUis.
And I 'ye demolished a nursery-maid,
And certainly hurt a child I
Strephon.
I made that stately dowager jump,
She leapt to one side, and puned !
Phyllis.
That leisurely cur, I 'm inclined to infer.
To-morrow will go to be stuffed I
Both.
So side by side we merrily ride.
And scatter the murmuring throne.
Who think the police should compel us to
cesse. ^ ^ , „ „
And mournfully ask. How long ?
Just a little too much.— Whan a par-
liamentary candidate or popular Member is
rtoeiyed with a torchlight procession, it is
almost unnecessary for his constituents to
present him, on a dark night, with * an illu-
minated address." ^y ^.^ x^ v_^ ^
vol, cym.
62
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.
[FCBRUABT 9. 1895.
"VOICI LE SABRE DE MON P^RE!"
" 1 intend to protect the principle of autocracy m firmly and unfwerringly m did my late and never-to-be-forgotten father." — Cza$^t Spaehy J«m, 29.
FlBBUABT 9, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
68
THE FBBHCH AMHE8TT.
BruxeUe»t le 31. Janvier.
MoFsnuB,— I write to you. M,
Punchy these aome words, wnioh
I essay to write in english. I
oome 01 to reoeiye^how say you
la nouvelU f— the new of the
amnesty in Franoe. The govem-
ment wnioh banidied the desoend-
ant of the great NAPOLtoN has
recalled some exileds. But he
has not reoalled me. ce gouveme-
meni infcime ! He has left to lan-
guish the heir of the crown im-
perial in this droll of litUe town.
jVbm ^une pipey queUe viUe /
JRien qtiun Palais de Justice et
quelgues rues dSseries! But I
ffo to write in engli^ I rest
here, at five hours of Paris, all-
days ready, alldays vigilant.
Mais que cesi trists! Tiens^ it
is not perhaps so sad as thalr-
how write you the name?— that
Stove, in your dSpartement of
the Bukkinhammshir. At least
one speak french in this country.
It is not the french of Paris, or
the french of Touraine, hut all of
same it values hetter than englidi
—a language so difficult. Thus I
rest here, Iwalk myself to horse
in their Wood of Camhre, I visit
of time in time the Palace of Jus-
tioe and Ste. Gudule, ei tfoild c*est
JIni! Then I recommence and I
•ee, encore unefois^ the Bois, the
Palais, and the CathSdrale. 1
go not to Waterloo, for people say
my Great Ancestor there was con-
quered by your Duo of WsLnr-
TOHe. Cme has wrong, the his-
torians have wrong, mais enfln,
que fiire f 1 may not to write
the history of new. A Vavenir
nous verrofis. En attendant f at-
tends. And I stand, like my
Great Ancestor, the arms folded,
and frown towards .the frontier
SUCCESSFUL SANITATION.
Anxious Towrist. "SiKOB TOUR Town haj biin nxwiiT diuinxd,
I SUPPOSE TBXBM IS L188 FkVXR HXBS f "
Hotel-Keeper {reassuringly), " AoH, tm, Sir 1 Zr Trrtoose (Tt-
PHXTS) IB now quite ZM EXOMPTIOMf"
of the France^ la patrie ingrate.
It is a fine attitude, and I study
it.all the days.
AgrSez^ ^c. N.
Stowe, the 31. January,
Sir, — ^I tell you my thoughts as
calmly ai* possibly, hut mj heart
hums I Heaven, what iigustice I
To Fnmoe—ah, I say not her name
without emotion I— to France I
(^ered my sword, my service, my
lifel She refused them I Ingrate-
ful country I Me who— hut I go
to he calml When Casdcir-
P^RIKR resigns I voyage without
to lose an instant to Dover, I wait,
I receive each instant some de-
spatch, I regard the coast of France
and weep, I am photographed I
Me, the descendant of St Louib, I
am photographed I But in vain I
Ideaire even to die for France, hut
I may not I By hlue, what inijrra-
titudel And now she proclaims
the amnesty and I am forgotten!
Me, the descendant of St. liOUiBl
Me who desire the struggle, the
efforts of a life of soldier^ of a life
of king, me I rest here in simple
renter of province! Me who wish
to die for France, I am ohljged to
live in England ! To live, iust
heaven ! And in England, which
I despise, though die shelters me I
Perhaps die is not worse than Bel-
5 ium, Buckingham or BruxeUes I
tisMualtome! Kcnrtheonenor
the other is Francel AgainlweepI
Ah, if I could shed tears of hkMd I
I can not! Heaven, that I should
not have even that consolation
there! And Roohefort returns I
He may die for his country, for
France I Once more I weep lat-
terly! But me I may not! Icon-
olude, and mv last word shall bea
word of order! It shall be. though
she spurns me, though she mock
herself of me, ** live France ! "
Againlweep! Receive,fto. P.
''VOICI LE SABEE DE MON PEREI"
I** Let all know that, in deroting all my strength to the welfare of the
people, I intend to protect the principle of autocracy si firmly and un-
swenrinely at did my late and neyer-to-oe-forgotten father.*'
The (km to the eteembled Deputies and Delegates in the Winter Falaee,]
*' Ir was mu father's custom, and so it shall he mine ! " —
Qna seems to hear those sunme words 'midst all the show and shine
Of the great, gay, white-pillared halL The gold and silver chains
Of deputies and delegates from distant steppes and plains
Gleam in the winter davHght. The tall white-tunic'd Guards
StRiid with drawn swords, Autoorao^s serene and stalwart wards.
AU in the Winter Palace ; from renons vast and far
Diey oome of many a race and creed to welcome their young Czar.
Hie noUea and the Zemstvos, too, are represented here.
With tribes of the wild Caucasus, the hosts who love— and fear—
Tlie monarch of one hundred and twenty million souls.
And through thine Hall, St. Nicholas, in full firm accents rolls
The Yoice of armed Autocracy, unhending and unchanged.
Unfaltering the youthful eye that boldly^ roved and ranged
Over that motley muster. He lifts his sire's great sworL
This vonthful heir to power supreme, hy freemen much abhorred.
But dear to howing myriads of^Slavdom's loyal hosts ;
And with that calm cold dignity which despotism boasts
Establishes the Ego of Autooraov once more.
Void lesahre demon sire! What Alxxaitdxr bore
Shan Nicholas not wear and wield ? The appanage of our line I
'* It was n^ father's custom^ and so it shall oe mme / "
Old mstie song, your refrain long shall echo round our world.
Until all burdens from the back of toiling men are hurled.
Far, far off dajrl Now proud and gay Autocracy's strong thralls
Muster to-day in fine array in those white-pillared halls.
To be— «ot snubbed, say reassured, that Autoerats, still strong,
SliU gifa small heed to serfs who pUad, to freeden's siren soag*
Or to ** absurd illusions," which, slipped from mouth to month.
Must still be nlenced in the North, if heeded in the South.
Those Zemstvos voices must be hushed. Autooraov*s sole hand
Must wield the sabre of his sire, and sway a silent land :
The Bear from the new Bearward gentler treatment well may hope,
But hardly loosening of the chain or slackening of the rope.
The patient Northern Bruin stands and rubs a dubious ear.
Amnesty means not Liberty. Autocracy is dear
In ** firmly and unswervingly," with strength that doth not tire,
Holding tne mastery of its race, the Sabre of its Sire I
'*Mr. Pxpt8*s Parish CHURCH."~The Bev. Alfrxd Povax's
interesting work gives us the origin of the *'Nai;7 pew" in St
Olave's. In such a church how appropriate was the old '* three-
decker," as this structure, which oontained derk below, parson in the
middle, and preacher in the topmost compartment, used to be termed.
A Just Corrsctioh.— In Maemillan^s for this month there is an
interesting article entitled ** In the Wake qf Captain Cook." An
Irish member of the club threw the number down, exdaiming, "The
man who wrote that can't write English! 'Tis not 'm the wake' at
all. Sure it ought to be *a< the wake.'"
Lmal Clookworx.— Towards the end of last week, the key of the
difficulty having been found, the Justace-YAueHAir-WiLLiAXs'-
winding-up business was wound up, sjid J. T. W*, being wound up,
was set goiiLg again. There is, however, still some diinoultv, and a
little oil on '£e troubled works will be necessarv. Mem. to the Lord
Chancellor.—'' Please not to touch the figures." ^^ j
Q. What is^the best sort of dr^ti>1moke in aHanaoii^
A. ACab-ana.
64
PUWUH, UK THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FSBBUART 9, 1895.
LITTLE MOPSEMAN.
THE SECJOND ACT.
A little narrow g^m, with a $lope in the background^ belonging to
Alfhvd. ifnder the dripping trees a table and chairs^ au maai.
oj thin birchstaves. Everything is sodden with wet^ and mitt-
wreaths are drioing about. Alfred Frutseck, dressed in a
black mackintosh^ stts dejectedly on a chair. Presently Mop9a
Broyik comes d»wn the slope cautiously behind^ and touches his
shoulder: Alfred jTiimp*.
Mopsa, Yon nhouldn t really sit about on damp seats in sncli
mifierable weather, Alfrkd. I have Ix^en hnnting for you every-
where. {Closing her umbrella with quiet significance,
Alfred {to himself). Run to earth I Oh, Lor* I \Aloud.) If you
would only be kind enongh to search for Mopseicak instead! I
cannot unraTel the mystery of
his disappearanoe. There be
was, just entering upon oon-
soious intelligenoe—full of the
infinite possibilities of perform-
ing poodlehood. I had charged
myseft with his education.
Alter having been an usher at
so many boarding-schools, I
felt peenliarly fitted for such a
task. And then a shad^ pcoun-
drd has only to come his way
with rats in a bag 1
Mopsa, But we don*t in tbe
least know how it really all
came about.
Alfred, That infemsl Var-
miiit-Blok is at the bottom of
it. you may depeod upon that !
Though what motive in tho
world (Qtdvering.) It's
not as if Mopsemaf wuuld ever
have faced a rat. He used to
'bolt at the mere siRht of a
blaokbeetle even. Tbe whole
thing is so utterly meauingless,
Mopsa. And yet, 1 suppose the
order of the universe requires
it.
Mopsa, Have you indulged
in these abstruse philosophical
speculations with Sj*reta r
Alfred [shakes his head ho^-
lesslv). She is no utterly in-
capable of — ^ (MoPRA nods.) 1
prefer discussing them with y**u.
There is pometning unnatural
in imparting confidences to a
mere wife. What on earth have
you got there ^
Mopsa- {takes a little house-
wife out of httr pocket), SphBTA
said you had lost the button off
the hack of vour collar. I
thought I would sew it on for
you. May I P ( With quiet
warmth,) I '11 try not to run
the needle into you.
Alfred (absently). Do; it
may distract my thoughts a little. Where is Spketa, by the way P
Mopsa, Only taking a little walk with Blochdrahx. (Seunng,)
Perhaps it is hardly the weather for a stroll ; but then he was always
so perfectly devoted to — h*m — to Little Mopsemak, you know.
A(fred {surprised). But Sp&eta wasn't. She never liked him—
not even as a puppy. And now tell me— don't you think you could
take a fancy to Blochdrahv— h'm P
Mopsa, Oh, no! Please I {Covers her face with her Jiands,) Ton
mustn't reaUy ask me why. {Looks at him through her fingers,)
Because I know I should tell you; you have such an irresistible
influence over me. Oh dear ! oh dear I what wiU you think of me I'
{Moves close up to him,) There 's a button off your shirt-front now I
Alfred (jj^tntioely). Am I to have that one sewn on too P
Mopsa, Yes, it 's the right thing to do. Though how Bpbeta can
let you go about like thi^, I canU &ink !
Aifred {with a half smiU), When I have you to look after me.
This is quite like the dear old days !
Mopsa, Yes. (Sewing,) I remember I mended all your things,
like a sister. Even then you never had quite all your buttons, had
you, dear P
Alfred (patting her hand). Not even then. And do you remember
" Yes, Alfred, Retribution 1
how you used to follow me about, just like a little dog P And I used
to call you "" Little Mopsbmait," because your name was MoPdA; and
if I bad had a dog, 1 should have called him LitUe Mopsexah. And
then huw vou uf^ed to sit up and hold a biscuit on your nose, my dear
faithful Mopsa I
Mopsa, I wonder how you can be so childish ! {Smiling involun-
tarilf^,) It was a rich b^utiful time ; but it was all over when yon
married. I hope you have never mentioned all that nonsense to
Spreta P
Alfred, I may have. One does tell one's wife some things—unin-
tentionally. {Cltttchinfi his forehead.) But oh, how can I sit here
and forget Little Mopsemak so completely Y Have 1 no heart P
Mopsa. If you have lost it, I think I know where it is. And yon
must ^urely give your grief a rest occarionally, tiio.
Alfred. I mustn't. I won't. 1 wHl think of him. ... By the
way, are we to have dried fish for dinner again f . . . Oh, there I go
once more— in the very middle
\ of my agony— just when I want
to be torturing myself unspeak-
ably with this gnawing crushing
regret! What a wonderfully
realistic touch it is, thow^h,
ehP So dramatic I But after
all, I have you, Mopsa. I 'm so
glad of that!
Mopsa (looking earnestly at
him). Surely you mean dear
Spreta— not me, Alfred P
Alfred. What relation is a
wife to her husband P If one
whatever. Ifow you, Mopsa.
you are very nearly a seoond
cousin once removed, not quite
—because our lamily is a thing
so entirely apart. We have
always had vowels (the very
best vowels) for our initials,
and the same coloured sp^ecta-
des, and poor relations we inva-
riably cut, and great thick works
we never get really on with.
You take after your mother,
Eaia.
Mopsa. And my Aunt— she
that was a Miss R>beoca Wsbt.
1 feel so irresistibly drawn to
disturb other people's domestic
harmony. But yuu must really
f >rget me, and try to care for
poor Spreta a little.
Alfred (vehemently). It's nn
use.. I canU, Yuu *ve entranced
mt so thomughly. {JJelples>^ly,)
1 knew you would I Do let me
remain here with you I
[Seizes her hand.
Mopsa (looks warmly at him).
Of course, it' you really mean
that. 1 cannot pretend that snob
comradeship is Hush! let
go my hand — ^there 's somebody
coming I
[Spesta and Blochdrahk en-
ter in waterproofs^ sharing
the same umbrella,
Alfred (annoyed). Why do you come bothering here P Surely you
mu«t see tnat such an interruption is most ill-timed.
Spreta {with a cutting laugh). We did gather that^ Alfred. I came
to see what you were about.
Alfred. MopsA was simply sympathising with me over Little
MopsEMAiv's disappearance— that was all.
Spreta, Sympathising and philandering, Alfred, are synonymous
terms in the Norwegian Drama. And I may be allowed to observe
that other people can philander if they 're driven to it.
[Glances at Blochdrahic.
Mopsa (taking her umbrella quickly^ to BlochdrAhn) We sf-em
to be somewhat de trop here. Suppose we withdraw Y [They do.
Spreta, Doesn't it strike you, Alfred, that all this morbid
harping on that missing mongrel may be just a little monotonous—
for a popular audience, I mean P
Alfred (gloomily). They '11 have to sit through another Act and a half
of it —that 's all. 1 shall harp if I choose. 1 like harping. And you
alwaysdetested Mopsehan. You said he ate too much, and hade^il eyes.
Spreta. So he did^eo he had ! And you never really and truly
loved him either, or you woul4,nt^j^Ji|Bi,Ye4n§d^;n^ 4 ^1 of ^^
dog as you did! ^ ^ O
Fbbbuabt 9, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDQN CHARIVARI.
65
^ A\frfd, I bad renounced my wonderful thick book. I needed
something to fill up my Uf e !
Spreta, You might have chosen something better than a miserable
little noodle with no hair on his tail I
Alfred {turns pale). It is von— you, who were the gniltv one in
that. {Harshly and coldly^ It was your hand that spilt the hot
water oyer him as he lay comfortably on the heartiung. It was /
And yon know it !
Spreta {terrified, yet deflan^. Better own at once that you came
behind me and jogged my arm !
Alfred (in suppressed desperation). Yes, that is true. Yon looked
so entrandngly beautiful as you were putting the kettle on for tta,
that I was irresistibly impelled to kiss you I
Spreta {exasperated). Alfred ! This is intolerable of you. Do I
deserye to be reproached for looking entranoingly beautiful P
Alfred {with sarcasm). Not in the least— notc7. You are subject to
the Law of Change. But what does all that matter F We haye both
sinned^ if you Hke. While we had him, we both shrank in secret
from him— we could not bear to s<^ the tail he dragged about after him I
Spreta {whispers). You were so perpetually putting paraffin upon
it, Alfsed !
Alfred {calmer). Yes, that. I tried to perfect its possibilities.
But It was no use— I could neyer, never msike it good again. And
mf cer that 1 dressed him up in miUtary uniform, and then he had to
remain, too mnch indoors, so, of course, he followed the Yabicint-
Blok^ and then the street curs chevied him over the pier. And after
I had trained him so thoroughly to shoulder a musset, he was so
totally unable to swim. Oh, it aU works out into quite a logical
BetriDntion. And I must go away into the solitudes and writhe with
remorse — bjr myself.
Spreta {mingly). Unless, of course, you can induce Mopsa to
I think you mentioned once that she used to follow you about like a
little dog?
Alfred {in a hollow rotce). I did. I remembor now. That time
when t he tea-kettle Retribution I
IHe staggers into the thinnest hirchstave chair, which collapses
under him.
. Spreta {menacing^ standing over him). Yes, Alfred, Retribution !
[MopSA. iina Blochdrahk return.
Mopsa (pleasantly). Well, my dear Spreta, have you and dear
Alf&ecd talked things thoroughly out ?
Spreta. Oh, yes ; quite thoroughly enough, I really will not be
left alone with Alfred any more ; he is too depressing I
Alfred {on the ground). One cannot be expected to rollick when
one is beinfr gnawed with remorse ! But perhaps Blochdeahk would
be a more chetrful companion for you ; go on with him, while Mopsa
helps me up again. We *11 follow you — ^presently.
[Spbetal and Blochdraen go off together; Mopsa tenderly
assists Alfued to rise.
Mopsa. Oh, dear me! it does seem such a pity! But Spreta
always was peculiar. It must be so trying fur you, dear !
Affred. So much so that I can't stand her any longer. I must get
away, anywhere -Kjuite alone. Mopsa, will you come too f
Mopsa {shocked). Alfred ! How can you ? What have I said or
dooe to encourage such a proposal P So utterly unexpected I
Alfred i feebly). I really couldn^t help it. It's the troll infdde me.
What am I saying f That belongs to another Norwegian drama !
Mopsa. All this part belongs to several other Norwegian dramas,
dear. But we must see if we can't get out of the old groove this
time!
Alfred. But why in the world P When you showed such a
wonderful preference for my society, too !
Mopsa (aently). I know, dear. Bat that was before . Let me tell
you sometniuif. {Slow music ; Alfred sits down, cautiously.) I 've
just been looking through my big portfolio, ana I 've discovered—
what do you think P (Alfred shakes his head hopelessly.) I 'm not
Kaia*8 daughter at all. really. I 'm only adopted !
Alfred, But what difference does that make in our relations?
Practically, none whatever !
Mopsa. All tbe differeuce, Alfred. I always pursued vou about
with reluctance and under protest. Being, at» i supposed, aescended
from Kaia Fosu, and related to Rbbroca West, it seemed so utterly
the right thing to do. But I know now that I am nothing of the
scNTt, and that if my real mother ever poBsessed such a thmg as a
Past at all, it was Plu-perfect. So heredity doesn't come in, and,
rather than interfere between you and yoox dear Spreta, I haye
decided to go right away and never see you again. I really mean it,
this time ! [^She opens her umbrella and runs off up the slope.
Alfred {takes up his hat sadly). Inn't this play going to end pessi-
mistically after all, then P {Shudders.) Are we actually going to
be— moral P {More hftpefuUy.) After all, there's another Act left
There 's a chance still ! IHe follows hastily after Mop»a.
Motto for the President of the Frbitch Republic.—'* Faure-
wamed, Faure-armed."
TOO MUCH.
(PUy the Sorrows of a poor Bunting Man f)
Sportsman {suffering from intense aberration oj mind in eonsequenee
of the Weather, m r^y to W^s of his hoaom). "Put out? Why, o'
course I 'M put out. BtEN JUST THROUGH THB VILLAGE, AND
HANG ME IF AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN F0OL8 HAVEn'T TOLD ME THAT
IT *8 NICE Seasonable Weather l "
RETRIBUTION.
( Wrought by a cheap Foreign Cigar.)
I >u feding— great heavens I— all sixes and sevens.
And dizzy, and giddy, and green ;,,,,,,
Knocked flat as a pancake, I 've got a blank, blank ache
All over— a sight to be seen !
Alas ! for the reason 'tis easy to seize on—
The same I '11 proceed to relate :—
I 've just come from Brussels, whence, after some tussles
With conscience, I rushed to my fate.
For by Calais and Dover I safely brought over
A contraband hatful of weeds ;
Ah, why did I struggle to juggle and smuggle.
Thus paying the price for my deeds F
They cost each five farthings, and goodness ! they are things
You *d not get your worst loe to smoke.
This " Cabbagio Fino" has giy*n me a beano—
But ^ere ! I 'm too seedy to joke I-
So this crude composition I pen in contrition,
My state of collapse to explain ;
I tnought to be clever, but never, oh never.
Will make such a bargain again !
CoNTEADicnoN.— A fortnight ago, in the law wpprts of the Times,
were reported proceedings in bankruptcy *' in re Tobt." We have
been requested to sUte that thid gentleman is not Mr. Punch s
•* Tobt, M.P.," nor is ** our Mr. Toby " the gentleman mentioned in
the same case as ** the bankrupt's brother, M. P. Tobt." The coin-
cidence was, naturally, somewhat startling. Our M.P. for Barka
wilL by now, have appeared in his place at St. Stephen's.
66
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAItl.
[FiBBOABT 9, 1896.
A. LOGICAL INFERENCE.
' I womui WHT HB '• M Blaok, KuMiiT t I auFPon HI WAS 3oBit ur THB Dask t "
"PITY THE POOE AETISTI"
['* I hare had oooasion to ipeak on the difficulties
of a minister who finds himself pledged to a rery
lar^e and extensiTe programme, to eaoh point of
which programme there is a large oircle of adher-
ents wno consider it the foremost and the pre-
eminently important poinf— Xortf Hot^Urf,]
Westminster Pavetnent Artist loquitur : —
Who would be a politioal '*MsreeYer"P A
drudge
Foredoomed to deogning, and destined to
smndge,
like impreetionift painten of jpoeten ?
Art's in a mm way. Lor I what hombug
it is I [Phi2.
Far better the davs of eld Cbuiuhajtk and
Than our era ef blobbers uid boasters.
With ohalks, and my tbomb, and a bit of old
I oan do better work on a rough slab of flag
Than they do on smooth hot-pressed paper.
But oh! what a bother to squat and to smear
All sorts of strange sulitjeets, quaint, squiffy
and queer,
To please every lounger and gaper.
There onee was a time when the old repertore
The publio would f etoh. Now they want a
lot more,
And always a somethink that *s noreL [two
And then sueh a olMiee of 'em I Not one or
Seaseapes, with a liberal yaller and blue,
Or some pioture of oottage or hoTeL
Two maoksiels crossed, or a sliee e' red salmeB.
Arashero'baeon,orlumpo'bfown"«»*«~«"
A ginger-beer bottle and oandle.
A rat in a trap and a portrait or two
Say old Gjleibaldi, the Wandering Jew,
And p*raps JcrLnrs Cjbsas or HiJn>SL.
These gaye satisfaotion to parties all round-
But 'tisn't 80 now as I lately haye found.
They ask a whole National Gallery.
And every one wants hi^ own f av*rite fust off.
Good old ^' Moonlight Soene"P Why, a yokel
would sooff
At anythink bluey-and-yallery.
They claim fanoy-ohalks now, or pdUyohrome
pastel ;
It *8 no use to tip 'em a storm or a castle ;
They want ** local colour "—a lot of it
Yes, something distinctly Welsh, Irish« or
Scotch:
My pitch in these critical days is no ootdh ;
I 'm sick of the worry and rot of it !
Pitv the artist! What boots that appeal f
No! ''Many help one," or "A heart that
can feel,"
Won't fetch 'em, however well flourished.
I did think that Guy Fawkes blow-up of the
liOTds [oold words
Would call out the coppers ; but shrugs and
Have damped the last nope that I nourished.
Awful cyiiicle lot ! Scarcely one a believer
In me, it would seem, siiice that thero
Grand Old Screever
To my hands has turned his pitch over.
There! I've touched up the lightning, and
now I am ready ! [juid steady.
But, though I must look bright, expectant,
I don't feel peroisely in clover !
ILeft waiting for patronrnffe.
THE DECADENT LOVER OF FICTION.
** OiTB love, one life," was my andent manner.
For introq>ection I had no brain.
But I would have died beneath her banner.
Or I would have lived, her grace to gain.
I loved her silent, I loved her sprightly.
With Grecian braid or with glossy carl ;
I loved her wrongly, I loved her rightly.
But ever I loved a single girL
But now with ennui my love is laden
Before it really has quite begun ;
If I win the heart of any maiden
It makes me prefer another one.
Dim passions stir me, deflections fleeting ;
I feel myself in a hopeless whirL
There never are less than six competing.
Why can I not love a smgle girl ?
Contented I and my love were mated
In those brave days when we both were
young.
For marriage I 'm now too complicated.
Too manj-natured, too flnely-stmng.
My spreadinsr canvas aU zephyrs varr
For one calm funnel how can I fun?
In truth, the statute is somewhat chary.
And old, and grey, grows the dearest girl I
Oh, love that was loyal, losing, winning.
That time and change had no power to quell,
That once could even dispense with sinmng.
And that possession could not dispel I
Your day is done, and your star's declining.
The hero was but a brainless churl
Who ever dreamed that without repininfl[
His whole life long he could love one ^ I
And yet, I feel there is something wanting.
The knowledfpe that love is sure to die
To every lover is disenchanting.
I would I loved as in days gone by.
'Twas braver folly the height to ca^ure,
Though down from the height Fate dtoi
hurls.
He misses woe, but he misaea rapture.
Who falls in love with too many gins I
H
W
O
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Fbbuuabt 9, 1890.J
PU^UH, UK IHE LUJNlAii!^ uHAKlVAKl.
6tf
SITTING OUT.
Iir throbbing silenoe my glances
stray
0*er her nnreoiprooal face,
And I haven't a notion what to
say
Now l*Te finished with oom-
monphioe.
How I hate the slope of that
eheerless ohin«
And the stare of those vacant
eyes,
That take the commonest ob-
jects in
"Witn placid and cool lorprise.
And I sit in a calm that she will
not bre(&,
A desert that is not peace.
And ever and ever the windows
shake
To a dance that will never
I cannot Join the ront a^ain,
I am far too weary and warm.
S> I needi mnst suffer thiH
speechless pain.
In a aranght, on the red baize
foroL
There is one remark — it has
proved a kef
Already to one lung chat,
Of oonrjje— I 'll start it, for even
she
Most answer awhile to that.
Bat horror! my agonised fingers
curl,
DidlsayittoherF I think
It must have been to that other
girl
In the delicate shrimi>-sauce
pink.
Shall I chance it again I I must!
Iwill!
- With a stammer I've half
begun— ,
Saved! saved! the music at last
is still.
Thank goodness, the dance is
done.
A CASE OF SELF-SACRIFICE.
Mrs. Orimes, " No, Sir, Mb. Smith ain't a-biv in 'is Chambbe-s vot
FOR A Wbbk, Sib."
Mr. Brown. **ObI You're bitrb now tou know the Gbvtleican
I MEAN— Mr. Meldon Smith ? "
Mrs, OrimsH, **Hi knows 'im rtoht enofgh. Wy, I does all 'is
Washin' and Mendin' for 'im ! "
A WINTER WEDDING
When bleak, bluff, blatant bliz-
zu^n blew,
And hats from storm-tossed
heads were carried.
My enteiprising friend, then yon
Got married !
Soon
when
waring had come,
doves can coo,
nd flowers blossom, had you
tarried;
Instead, in January you
Got married.
Then in your honeymoon you two
The gloom and snow of winter
parried;
It's two to one two won when you
Were married.
And thus henoeforwaid may
you do ;
By life's rou^h storms be
never hamed.
Together face them all now you
Are married.
More Anglomania!
[M. FAlix Favrb, haying gone
out into the garden at about six
o'clock in the eyening, was making
for the door leading to his priyate
apartments, when ne was stopped
by a aentineL The President could
not giye the paas-word, and was ac-
cordingly marched off to the Elya^e
guard-room, where he was fortu
nately recogmsed.— 2>ai^ Paper. '\
That Gallic statesmen rather
like
Trade Union methods can we
doubt?
President Psrhr went **on
strike";
Now, Faitbe has been ** looked
out"
Dsnx Mots.— Th«» retirement
of one of the oldest and moht
popular actors of the ComMie
Fran^ise maybe summedCup in
two words, *• Got : gone."
''ART IS JX)NG-
TwB DotV^ Oraf>hic of February 1, commenting on the time-con-
teet between two pianists, suggests that exponents of the other flue
arts should follow their example The idea has been taken up at the
Royal Aquarium with great success, as will be seen from the foUow-
iag press-cuttings :—
From the ** Magazine of AH.'*
The Directors of the Aquarium are to be congratulated on their
new departure, which taken the form of a highly exciting and sports-
manlike contest between those two well-known entertainers Professor
Hbrb Eomsb and Sefior Hasoli Dunoi in their great poster-paint-
ing exhibition. This oonpist<i of a trial of strength and endurance,
the challenger, Seiior Duoni, having given out that he will beat Pro-
fessor Eon kb's preyious record in dme and area combined by one
hour and a hundred square yards. As the public are well aware, the
latter performer*s seosational achieyement, ** Miss Letty Ltnd^*
stands at present unbeaten as an arnstic poster, having far eclipsed
his '\AU Beautiful in Naked Purity,** which attracted such
attention on the Royal Academy hoardings la«t year. As to time, his
LoTD Utur de force (shown at the Sooiety of Portrait Painters at the
New Gallery last autumn) was painted in one oontinuous whirl or
sitting of fifty hours duration, and would have taken even longer,
had not the accomplished danneuse fainted from exhaustion. (It is
understood, by the way, that Miss Liho has issued a challenge that
she will pirouette against the world, including Lord Yabxouth and
Little TiCH.)
Sefior DuDDi has hitherto made his mark with presentment"! of
ultra-cAte young ladies, which have certunly taken up agreat deal
of space, and fulfilled their purpose as '* eyenypenenk''^ We have no
derails as to the time in which they were designed, bat we should
think about twenty minutes on an average.
Ah the Aquarium contest will not be concluded untU after we go
to press, we cannot give the result, but at the time of writing, after
three days* punting without cessation, Mr. Eomrb had covered a
quarter of an acre of canvas, while Mr. Duoni had traversed three
hundred yards of advertisement hoarding.* Both were going well
and strong, the only people showing signs of exhaustion being the
umpires anid spectators.
From, the ** Sporting Times."
What will our dear friends of the Anti-Sporting League say to
this ? Here *& yet another form of iniquity, the Poet Stakes at the
Aquarium I We looked in last night at that classic abode, and
found them all hard at it in the Bijou Theatre. We soon made a
pretty book, and only regret we hadn*t entered Ballthoolt and Dors
Chidrbdo8<(. A black-haired colt was making the pace with what he
calltd ** beautiful prose music,' ^ quite as gooa as any we turn out in
our lirst ps^e. Hut the backers rather fancied a Chestnut Pegasus,
who was going well within his stride with his ** Odes and PoemR.'
There were one or two other dark horses ia the field, that we put
down for a place. That worthy and veteran sportsman, and cutest
of tipsters, G. Alle:v, wielded the flag, and got his little lot off, as
we were told, with only ten falxe starte. We left at the titty-
seventh hour, when the leaders had completed two hundred and
twenty laps of very blank verse and other paces, it being a go-as-
you-please contest. A sonnet divided the firbt and second, and
there was an epigram and a half between the second and the third.
As it promise! to be a long-winded affair, and rather too noisy for
our refined and delicate constitutions, we retired early. We give
th odds, however, on another page, 'y '^^u uy ^^^^^..^
70
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVASL
FfBRUABT 9, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
71
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
: EXTRACTED FBOM^THE DIABT OP TOBY, M.P.
TkissdaVjt February 5.— House filled onoe more with bostle of new
SeerioiL Xobby crowded. Gorridora, long silent, burst into bustling
life. ** Seems to me," rays JxmcT Lowthis, looking cm with his
jayenfle-Teteran air, *'that the happiest day in a member's life is
the first of a Session, if indeed the cup of his joy isn't fuller on the
day of prorofration."
For some the jubilation of^the hour is toned down by saddened
Preralent hilarity suggests oare of crowded passenger ship, haTinf
been in imminent danger of shipwreck^ suddenly steams mto oom«
paratiyely placid seas.
** If," says WiLFBiD Lawson, an authority on Church matters,
*'it were customary to commence the Session by singing a hymn 1
know what Squibx of Malwood would giye out. It's the om
beginning
And are we still alire
And see each other's ikce f
Thought it was to be all oyer before Christmas ; Cabinet broken up ;
thought. There is one step that will never more be heard in the i ererybody retiring ; Parliament dissolyed; demoralised Party finally
lobby, one familiar face seen here no more, one yoioe, wont to sway smashed up at polls ; the other side left to settle who was to be
tibe passions of the House, that now is still. Ltctdas is desd, not who in best of all Goyemments. ' Instead of which,' as the Judge
quite ere his prime, but in what, had fate been kinder, should haye said, here we are in for a long Session, with, as usual, more work on
■ ' ' hand than could be done in two." K'^O;
"• •• So you hayen't resifrned af tei
all F " r remarked, getting up on
been the fuhiess of his rich gifts.
The House knew Gbavdolph,
as he presented himself to its
notice from yarious points of
riew. First, an unknown new
Member, rising from bench im-
mediately behind Ministers, a
situation which, deliberately
diosen, seemed to obseryant
Whipe to indicate pleasurable
prospect of docility. Next,
whilst his Party was still in
ofiioe, he popped up from front
bench below gangway, and
pricked at ponderous hide of
ScxATnt-BooTH, pink of respect-
ability, sublimation ri county-
gentry - Toryism. Then, with
sadden brilliancy and sustained
force, he rose on the firmament
below the gangway in Opposition,
tilting almost f ingle-handed at
the panoplied host, a majority
oyer a hundred strong, that
seemed to make Mr. G.*s second
Administration invulnerable. For
a moment in a famous night in
June he was seen standing jubi-
lant on his seat at the comer of
the bench, waving his hat, shout-
ing himself hoarse with ones of
victory. From tlus elevation he
sprang lightly on to the Trea-
sury Bench, and astonished
Members who. with him. had
heard th^ chimes at midnight
And after, by the quiet dignity of
his manner, his unerring tact,
his unfailing skill of mansge^
ment. Never since the time
Prince HaU boon companion of
FaUtnff, became Kifig Henry
the JFiflh, ha^ there been scfn
such transformali >n.
Merer wa^ luch a sudden scholar
a chair to have a chat with the
Squibe of Malwood.
'' m tu, TobtI" he cried.
**I thought better of your in-
teUigence. I welcome re-opening
of Session for one thing. Obliged
to be in my place every night.
Whilst House is sitting people
will see I haven't resignM. That
should— don't know that it wiU
—check to certain extent what
at Derby I ventured distantly to
allude to as mendacious inven-
tions. I have, as you know,
had a somewhat troublesome time
during recess. Rarely got up in
morning but found bj newspapers
I had resigned overnight. Seldom
went to bed without conviction
derived from glancing over even-
ing papers that I hsd upset the
Ministerial ooaoh— I, the mildstf-t
mannered man that f-ver fat in
Cabinet. Council. Daresay you
remember incident in slmost
equally troubled csreer of Lours
THE PrxTEENTH. When he iira<«
bronffht back to Pari^ and lodged
in Tuileries sfter his fi*ght to
Varennes, th<^ eane-ctdott^n, Mee-
nteurs H MadameM^ could not
sleep in their heds at night from
apprehension that kiur hsd again
<wcaped. They used to make up
little f <mi1y parties, stuoll down
to Tuileries. masa themselves
before the King's bedroom win-
dow, and call upon Louis Capbt
to show him«telf . The King there-
upon got out of htd, T'Ut on rtd
Cap of Liberty and showed him-
self at the window. ^ Mee en-
^anl$^* he said, 'you see I am
NeTer came reformation in a flood, Jfr. i?-#-*-ry. •* Hullo ! Where 's the Hou«e of Lords ? " here.' * Tree bien,^ htiid Man-
With such a heady currance, scouring Spectral Caretaker. " * »Ou*e o' Lords,' Sir P Why, it 's GONE ! ! " ««fr» ^f^^V!^^ «< ^ Bihi, and
faults: trudged back content to the
Nor never Hydra-headed wilfulness Faub ^xuf^ St. Antoine. Now that was all very well for a King.
So soon did lose his seat, and all at once, But you know, TofiT, it can't be expected of me in so-called holi-
es in this king. day times to be constantly attending knocks at the front door, or
The succeeding Session had a fresh surprise. It found onr even getting up in the dead of night, showing myself at the window,
Gbakdolph, self-reduced tothe ranks, caressing his moustache on the and saying, ^ My good newspaper friends, I have not resigned.' "
B-S-B-BT'S" DBEAM.
Mr, B't'h-ry, •* Hullo ! Where 's the Hou«e of Lords ? "
Spectral Caretaker. " * »Ou<e o' Lords,' Sir P Why, it's GC
comer seat behind the Treasury B<-nch. After a while he wearied of
the invidious position, and went off to the races, to Norway a-fishing,
to South Africa to observe the wave of lions from precarious
p iximity. But his hf art was, after all, at Westminster. He came
back broken in health, undaunted in spirit. Nothing pluckier,
nothing more p\thetic seen in the House than his long stubborn
fight against the paralysis that crept over him even as he stood at the
table and tried to weave agdin tlie magic spell by which he onoe held
the House.
He died as he lived, fighting, keeping Death at arm's length for
a full month after the highest authonties had said it was a mistake
to be such an unconFoionably long time in dying.
The House of Commons will know Gbihdolfh no more. But it
will never forget one who will through all time rank among the most
briUiant of its sons.
Something decidedly hysterical about jubilation of the hour.
Butinees do/20.— Just commenced.
'•The Portkait of NoBODT."--When the signature ** Owns" first
appeared to a pamphlet or an article, people wondered '* who 'tis ? "
and "'ow 'tis he Knows all about itr" The signature appearing
again to an article in The New lUview^ No. 69, suggests that though
the author has an anti-scriptural objection to a single-eyed indi-
vidual, perhaps 'Ovrii simpl]r indicates a person who, with the
majority of us, detests an egotist. Onljr one would hardly gather
this explanation of the assump4on of this classic and poetic signa-
ture from the style of the article.
Not
weL
A OiLT-EDesD Sbcukitt.— The investment of Wei-hai-
72
PTJNrH, OR THE T.ONOON CHARTVARI
iFflBBUART 9. 1H95.
ANIMAL SPIRITS '*-No. 3. THE BARN DANCE.
TALL TALES OP SPORT AND ADVENTUKE.
L— THE riNKiHIPPOPOTAMUS. (comtinubd.)
It did not take me long to make my preparatioiiB and deyise^my
plans. In snoh matters as these I nave always found it best to
grepare for every possible oontingencY, and then, with a trustful
eart, to leave the rest to chance. I therefore calculated to a nicety
the number of miles we should have to traverse, took into account
the physical confiffurafion of the country through which we should
have to pass, the neiKht of its various mountains, the depth of its
vaUevs, the breadth and current of its rivem, its capacity for food
supply, and the nature of its inhabitants. Having done all this, I
spare the reader unneoeesary details. It would profit him but
httle if I were to set down exactly the equipment, the clothing, the
arms, and all the other preparations which my matchless experience
prompted me to make. Sach an expedition as that which I was
about to engaff e in can never be undertaken a^ain, for the simple
reasons that there are now no pink hippo^tami in the world, and
that improved methods of commumcation, ridiculous railways,
absurd telegraphs, preposterous telephones, and
ludicrously well-metaUea roads have robbed life,
even in Seringapatam, of all the romance which, in
my younger days, cast a halo of adventure round
the smallest undertaking. How gloriously we
revelled, how grandly we fought, how magnificently
contemptuous we were of danger! But now we
clothe ourselves in patent wool, we tremble at the
shadow of a policeman, we judge everything by the
mean standard of its money value. Borne day we
shall awake from our dreams of false security, when
the crash of invasion sounds in our ears, ana we see
oar homesteads ruthlessly trampled down by the
hoof of some de8pis«Hi and foreign foe. Then, when
it is too late, the public will r^^member that England
still poFsespes one great leader inured to harafhip
and danger from his earliest youth, one whom,
though a perverse Pariiament has slighted him, the
greatest warriors and the gallantest sport-smen have
been proud to salute as iheir uoaaeslioned superior.
I whail answer to the call with what strength I mar
still possess, and my prematurely grizzled hair shall
be seen waving in the van of my country* s defenders ;
but even an Orlando Wubbahaic (have I men-
tioned that that was my name Y) must fail if he has only shop-reared
dummies to support his efforts. Enough, however, of these moura-
f ul prognostications.
liy preparations, then, were quickly made. I resolved on con-
fining the numbers of the expedition within the smallest possible
limits, and, after much thought, I decided to take only one assooiat^
My choice fell upon Major Thsophilus GANDB]tJ>owir. He had
gone throogh the whole of the previous campaign with me, and had
proved his solid worth on many a hard-fought field. A man, like
myself, of herculean strength, and of inexhaustible endurance,
he was eminentU fitted to help me in those periloua situations in
which I had no doubt we shonld find ourselves before the adventore
wa^ over and the ta^k performed. It was not his fault that he
lacked those brilliant powers of initiative, that wonderful ingenuity
of resource for which i had already become famous. But one genius
of that kind is sufficient in anv adventure, and I knew that for
courage, strength, and bulldog tenacity, I could rtokon on Qakdbb-
DOWK to the death.
We fixed our start for a Thursday, always a lucky day for any
expedition in which I have been engaged. I gave Gakdsbdowk
rendezvous at the western gate, at midnight, and
bade him maintain the oomplete secrecy in which all
our pUms had hitherto been involved. I myself set
forth when dinner was over to bid farewell to the
beautiful and affectionate Chuddah, the last soion
of the glorious Rampore dyna^^ty, nho was at that
time dwelling in the little marble palace on the out-
skirts of the park of her vindictive aunt, the Banee
of Seringapatam.
Ah, Chuddah, loveliest of olive maidens, ev^
now, when I think of thee, this war-worn heart
beats faster in mv breast, and the unaccus-
tomed tear trickles down a cheek seamed by inany
a pcar. How different would my life have been
had cruel fate not stepped in to prevent us npm
fulfilling those mutual vows of eternal love which
we had pledged to one another. I, who ^^^^
these lines with my tears, might now have been
the ruler over hosts of dusky myrmidons, the
acclaimed chief of the fieroe and warlike (mbI
tribes, whilst thou, a queen, a wile, a mothff,
wouldst have But, bah, these wailing r«grets
are unmanly. To my story. ^ ^^ ^^
(To bt eontitmed.) ^^^'^^
FlBBUABT 16, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
78
THE NOK-CAPITALISrS
VADE MECTJM.
QueMm, Ktmng no oaah
Toa wish to make a liying.
Kindly tell me the obieotions
to sweeping a croesing r
Answer, A small snm of
money would be neoessaiy to
purchase a broom—a prehmi-
nary step that oouldTnot be
Bormonnted.
Q. Qnite so. And wonld a
like difficulty arise to prerent
yon selling Inoif ers ?
A. Certainly, for matches
soitable for street hawking
cannot be obtained on credit.
Q, Wonld a clerkship be
within your reach P
A. Scarcely, as a new suit,
or a nearly new suit of clothes
would be requisite to giye one
the air of respectability neces-
sary for securing *an audieuce
wiih an employer.
Q.* Could you not become a
oompapv promoter ?
A, Not with safety, now
that the windiDg-up business
is superintended by a judge
fapaUe of understanding tne
intricacies of city finance.
Q. Is there any opening for
you as^a cab-driver r
A, No, as a license cannot
be obtained for love, but must
be bought with money.
Q. Surely you have a chance
as^'a slave to journalism F
A, Writmg for the press is
at all times precarious^ and is,
moreover, a calling which can-
not be followed without a
small but imjiossible expendi-
ture on pens, ink. and pa|>er.
Q. Has not life sometimes
TRUE DIGNITY.
Barbara. ''Oh, Mother dkjlb, I 'vi got huoh a Pain t'
Mother. "Have Tou, DAELivof WHEKVf"
Barbara. "In the Proper Place, of oottrse!"
been supported by the suc-
cessful attempts to borrow
from onv s friends f
A. Yes, but this financial
condition will have been en-
joyed and abandoned before
one can truthfully style one-
self an ex-oanitalist.
Q. The sale of information
of an interesting character to
those concerned nas sometimes
—has it notr— been found of
a profitable nature ?
A. Occasionally, but this
again is not only an unpleasant
but a dangerous operation,
and if resisted, may end with
an entirely emiMirrassing pro-
secution at the Old Bailey.
Then having no caui, no
it, and no references, what
career is open to you f
A. But one— to become the
responsible manager of a
theatrical company touring in
the provinces.
credit
**Tkxpora Mxteantur,"—
In these days of very late
dining hours a performance at
5 P.M., if over at 7, or 7.15 at
latest, ought to suit those
whose daily work is over about
4or4.30,and whodislike **tum-
ing out " after dinner if they
are at home, and who cannot
get away from any dinner
party if thev aro out in time
to see even half of the enter-
tainment. The matinSe at two
is a very difficult time, as it
clashes with lunch; but as tea
can be taken in the entr'actes^
five o'dock seems a veij rea-
sonable hour, that is, if the
show be over at 7.15, and the
dinner hoor be 8 or 8.15.
HINTS TO SKAnRS ON ETIQUETTE AND DEPORTMENT.
Do not venture on the ioe until yon can skate properly. Praotioe
the various steps and evolutions before a looking-glaM in your bed-
room.
There is a jfreat art in falling graoefnUv, and it is surprising what
a number of interesting, complicated^ ana unlooked-for attitudes and
fi||[iures can be thus developed. To ensure perfect confidence at the
entical moment, it is as well to hire somebody, say a nrof essional
wrestler or prize-fighter, to trip you up and knock vou down in all
the possible methods. A mattress may be used for beginners to fall
on. The more improbable your manner of tumbling, the greater
success will you achieve in the eyes of the on-lookers.
When skating with a lady, you ma^ cross hands, but it is unusual
for you to put your arm round her waist. This is only done in great
emergencies, or in a thick fog, or when you have the pond to your-
selves. It is generally found that this proceeding is equivalent to
skating on very thin ice. and will lead to dangerous consequences.
If, however, a lady, who evidently has not complete control o^ her-
self, and does not readily answer her helm, steers straight into your
arms, you should accept the situation in your best ball-room manner.
Do not attempt to avoid a collision, as if you dodge suddenly, the
lady, on failing to meet your support, will probably sit down
abniptly on the ice, or get entangled with a sweeper.
Should you, owing to any unioreeeen droumstance, find yourself
g rostrated at a young lady's feet, do not place your hand on your
eart and say she is the only girl you ever loved. These little scenes
are apt to collect a crowd. Merely say you stopped to examine the
thidmees of the ioe, or any little plaisanterie yon feel capable of in-
venting. Then reture to a discreet distance and rub yourself.
If the ice gives way, and you find yourself in the water, get out as
speedily as possible. I do not advise drowning. It is always a wet
and uncomfortable process, and has very few recommendations. It
is, moreover, quite fatal to true enjoyment, and only those who aro
morbidly anxious for a " par" in tiie papers will habituidly resort to
this mode of creating a sensation.
Do not hit people much with any stick you may think it de rigueur
to brandish about. Such personal attentions aro best performed
when yon and a string of ten or twelve other 'Arries aro banded
together. You can then stand up without fear for the rights of the
hi^-spirited young citizen to eigoy himself.
Thero is nothing that figure-skaters so much appreciate as the
sudden inroad of hockey-players in their midst. It adds immensely
to thsir zest to feel they aro liable to be knocked over in the middle
of an exciting ** rocker^' or *' mohawk " ; and, of course, they like
their combined figures to be nicely disarranged, as it enables them to
show their skill in sorting themselves again. Hockey should there-
f oro be indulged in anywnero and evenrwhere.
Lastly, if you prefer sliding to skating, do not slide in a top-hat
and frock-coat, unless yon aro a member of the Skating Club, and
even then it looks ostentatious. Dress appropriately in some quiet
costume of kickseys and pearlies, with a feather in your hat. Wear
your billyeook at the back of your head, as it wiU break your falls.
Always shout at the top of your voice.
A PLEA FOE
OiroB we dreamed of a magical
dime,
Powerful fairies lived thero
then. [time.
Beady to change, in the shortest
Men to fishes, or fish to men ;
Science, alas, assails the land,
Down the magical palaces fall.
Fairies and elves, we understand,
Never could really exist at alL
Still remain tons spectres strange.
Headless horsemen and monks
severe, FGrange,
Some that arrive each night in the
Others (like Christmas) once a
year
THB GHOSTS.
Yet they linger, a fearful joy.
Elderly rehcs of dhildhood's day,
Now our '* sdentiBts " would
destroy
All their humorous, mild array !
Mr. MiLSKVLTini, learned man I
Scoff at Theosophists as you will.
Spot each fraudulent gambler's
plsn.
Only allow us our Bogies still I
Little we value prosaic truth.
If it must scatter these shadowy
hosts;
Spare us a single belief of youth.
Leave us. ah, leave us at least
our OhostsI
74
PUNCH, OR THE LONTX)N CHARIVARL
[FlBBUABT 16, 1895.
Digitized by
Google
FlBRUABT 16, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
75
GOING TO THE DOGS.
Candid Vd who has been called in to look at Mr, NoodUs new purchase, which is somehow amUss). "Ah, tbb want to know what to
DO wins 'iMf Wrll now, he's bbbn ooin' pkbttt 'akd to Hounds fok a Dozbn Ssasons or mobb, to mt knowlbdox, hab
THAT 'OsS. Now, take MT ADVICE. DON'T KXBP 'BM WAITIN" VOB 'IM ANT LONOBR,— TOU SEND 'iM TO 'XM 1 "
''EQUGE GAGNE^^?
Maxs yonr Game ! Is 't fortune, fame.
Power supreme, mere notoriety,
'Tis mere gambling all the same,—
Craving knowing not satiety.
Marquis or Gavroohe, wliat matter F
Raoagas or Noble Red ;
How the bnllion*8 olink and clatter
Fires the eye and heats the hea 1 !
Mammon-Mephistopheles
At the eight in smidow grins ;
And the player, at his ease,
With a dream his heart may please,
Eedwins!
WiU it win, or, winning, will
La lUpubUque lose or gain P
Is the game ohanoe versus skill,
SLy intrigue 'gainst heart and brain P
SttDguine as sanguineous.
The Mob-loying Marquis sits.
Exile, will finesse and russ,
Claidc of tongues, and oUsh of wits,
Plar the patriotic game P
Fall the cards, the ball re-spins
Blood a-fire and waUs a-flame
Menaoe if— to Wisdom's bhune—
Red winsi
Thx Long Feosi.— Sportsmen are coming
up to town in despair. Their hunters are
** eating their heads off," and Tery soon there
win be nothing left to tell the tail I
In thb Lords.— Lord Battersea *'the
Flower of the Flock."
THE SEVERE WEATHER.
{From Mr, Punch's Very Special Correspondents,)
Reports from all parts of the country are
eloquent of the phenomenal nature of the
weather experienced eyenrwhere. By an ex-
traordinary coincidence, of which it is hardly
possible to make too much, the intense cold
has been accompanied by a lowness of tem-
perature—on the (Fahren) height.
The Oldest Inhabitant has had a high old
time, and been in immense form. To prevent
the extinction in future vears of lids in-
teresting indiyidual, oxen naye been roasted
freely, and, whereyer at all practicable^ car-
riages haye been driven over frozen nvers.
Occasionally irreyerent descendants have
roasted the Oldest Inhabitant.
It is reported, on the authority of Lord
Salisbuet, that the Liberal Party intend at
once to engage in 8nowballin|[ the House of
Lords. As the ex-Prime Minister has pro-
mised to play the game with no lack of
mutuality, interesting developments are ex-
pected.
A very remarkable occurrence comes from
abroad — considerations of an international
character make it advisable not to particu-
larise further. A bishop went out in the
middle of a raging blizzard. Although the
bishop was suitably attired in episoopaldress,
so that no mistake as to his identity was
pojuible. it went on bHzzarding, ana the
spiritual dignitary was put to extreme tem-
poral temporary inconvenience.
Ice floes have penetrated to London Bridge.
Mr. Sbtmoue Hicks's topical song in the Shop
Oirlr—** Ohf floe I ice and snow, you know"
— ^is received every night with even greater
enthusiasm than formerly.
The following letter wul not appear in an
early number (3 The Spectator .—
ANIMAL SAQAGIT7.
Dear Sir,— I desire to draw yonr atten-
tion to what I thmk I may fairly describe as
a wonderful instance of animal sagacity.
During the recent severe frost a large number
of birds and rabbits were fed every day in
my garden. On Friday^ for the first time, I
noticed a fine hare, which, from its appear-
anee, evidently felt the cold bitterly. 1 fed
it, bnt ahivennff set in^ and pained by its
sntTering' (for I nave a kind heart) I took it
into the kitchen. Half-an-hour afterwards
the cook came to tell me that the kitchen-
maid was in hysterics. I went down and
found out the reason— the girl had been
frightened, when taking up a large jug
whii^h stood on the ground, to find the hare
in it ! The hare, poor tmng^ preferred a
warm death to a o(dd existence, but,
denied the possibility of human speech,
had taken this graphic way of indicating
its wishes. I have only to add that they
were respected at dinner yesterday.
Yours faithfully, Peil Iton.
StiekUon Rectory.
Mix.— It would not be logical to coodlude
that Sir Arthttb Sullivan is a good
cricketer because of his capital scores.
An Expensive Gall to Pat.— A Gall to P
the Bar.
76
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[FlBRUABT 16, 1895.
LITTLE MOPSEMAN.
THE THIRD AOT.
An •levatvm and rockery in Fsi)TBBCK*8 back-garden, from which
—but for the houses in between — an extensire view over the
steamer^pier and fiord eotUd be obtained. In front, a summer-
house, covered teith creepers and wild earwigs. On a bench out-
side, MoPSA is sittina. She has the inevitable little travelling-
bag on a strap over ner shoulder, Bloch])KA.hn comes up in the
dusk. He, too, Aa« a travelUna-bag, made of straw, containing
professional implements, over his shoulder. He is carrying a
rolled-up handbill and a small paste-pot.
Sanitary Engineer Hlochdrdhn {catching sight of Mopsa's hand-
i). So you really are off at last P So am I. J'm ffoinff by train.
Jfopsa {with a faint smUe). Are touF Then / take the ateamer.
Have you seen Alfbsd anywhere about— or Spkxta P
San. Eng, Bloch, I have been seeing a good deal of Mrs, Fbut-
SBCK. She asked me to oome up here and paste one of these handbills
on the summer-house. To oner a reward for Little Mopsemav,
yon know. I Ve been stioking them up ererywhere. {Busied with
) But you'll
see— he 'IT never turn up.
Mopsa {sighing). Poor
Spbbxa! and oh, poor
dear Alfbbd! I r^y
don't know if I can have
the heart to leave him.
San, Eng.Sloch,{past-
ing up the biU}. I shall
not beUeve it myself un-
tillaotually seevoudoit.
But why shouldn't you
0(nne alon^ with me, if
you are going— h'm P
Mopsa. If you were
only a married man— but
I haye to be so careful
now, yon know I
San, Eng. Bloch. It
tortures me to think of
our two handbags each
taking its owniway; it
really does. Miss Mopsa.
And then for me to have
to plumb all by myself.
Though, to be sure, one
can always get round the
district surveyor alone.
Mopsa, An. yes, that
yon can surely manage
alone.
San, Eng, Bloch, But
it takes two to connect
the ventilating shaft with
the TMan drainage.
Mopsa (looking up at
him). Always two P
Never more P x X^ever many P
San, Eng, Bloch. Well, then, you see, it becomes quite a different
mattei^-it cuts down the profits. But are you sure vou can never make
up your mind to share my great new job with me P
Mopsa. 1 tried that once— with Alfrbo. It didn't quite answer-
though it was delightful, all the same.
San, Eng, Bloch, Then there really Aa« been a bright and happy
time in your life P I should never have suspected it !
Mopsa, Oh yes, you can't think how amusing Alfrbd was in
those da^rs. When he distinguished himself bv failing to pass his
examinauons, and then, from time to time, wnen he lost nis post
in some school or other, or when his big, bulky manuscripts were
declined by some magazine— with thanks I
San. Eng. Bloch. Yes, I can quite see that such an existence must
have had its moments of quiet merriment. {Shaking his head.) But
I donH see what in the world possessed Alfred to go and marry as
he did.
Mopsa {with suppressed emotion). The Law of Change. Our latest
catohphrase, you know. Alfred is so subject to it. So will you
be, some day or other I
San. Eng. Bloch, Never in all my life : whatever progress may be
made in sanitation I {Insistently,) Can't you really care for me P
Mopsa. I might—{looking down)'-ii you have no objection to go
halves with Alfred.
San, Eng. Bloch. 1 am behind the times, I daresay ; but such an
arrangement does not strike me as a firm basis for a really hiW7
home. I should certainly object to it, most decidedly.
J Mopsa Jaughs bitter ly),JWhMi creatures of convention you nen
are, after all! {Beeollecting herself.) But I quite forgot I am
conventional myseff now. Ton are perfectly right ; it would be
utterly irregular I
Alfred {comes un the steps). Is it you, Blochdrahv, that has
posted up that bill r On the new summer-house I
San, Mng, Bloch, Yes, Mrs. FRirrsECK asked me to.
Alfred {touched^. Then she does miss Little Mopsemax, after all !
Are you going P Not without Mopba t
San, Ena. Bloch. {shaking his head). I did invite her to aooom-
panv me : but she won't. So I must make my jobs alone.
Alfred, It's so horrible to be alone— or no< to be alone, if it
come«tothatI {Oppressed -to himseff,) My troll is at it again!
I shall press her to stay— I know 1 shsill— and it will end in the
usual way !
Spreta {comes up the steps, plaintively). It is unkind of yon all to
leave me alone like this. When I'm so nervous in the dark, too!
Mopsa {tenderly). But I must leave you, Spreia, dear. By the
next steamer. That is Well, I reallv ought tol
Alfred {almost ihaudibly. hitting himself on the chest), Down, yoa
far, downl No, it's no use; the troll trtW keep popping
" " "we persuade you, dear MopaAp Do stay-
little beggar,
up I {Aloud )
Can't
I alopsa {as ffs
unth herself). Oh,li
• I'd
*'It takes two to oonneot the ventilating shaft with the main drainage."
j ost to keep Spreta com-
pany, you Know I
[want
tu so much ! I 'd do
anythina to oblige dear
Spreta I
San, Eng. Bloch, (to
himseff, dejectedly). Sie
ifl just like that Miss
Hilda Waitgel for
making herself so per-
fectly at home I
Spreta {resignedly).
Oh, /don't mind. After
ail^I would rather Alfred
philandered than fretted
and fussed here alone
with me. You had better
stay, and be our little
MopsEMAN. It will keep
Alfred quiet — and that b
something/
Mopsa, No; itwasonly
a temporary lapse. I keep
on forgetting that I am
no longer an emotional
Cuckoo heroine. I am per
f ectly respectable. And
1 win prove it by leaving
with Mr. BlochdrIhv
at once— if he will be so
obliging as to escort me?
San, Eng. Bloch. De-
lighted, my dear Miss
MopaA, at so unexpected
a bit of good look.
We ' ve only just time to catch the steamer^
Mopsa. Then, thanks so much for a quite too delightful vlfli^
Spreta. So sorry to have to run away like this I ( To Alfred, with
subdued anguish,) 1 am running away— from you : I entreat you
not to follow me— not just yet, at any rate !
Alfred {shrinking back). Ah ! {To himseff.) If it depends upon
our two trolls whether . (Mopsa goes off unth Sanitary Engineer
Blochdrahk.) There's the steamer, Spreta. ... By Jove,
they '11 have a run for it I Look, she 's putting in.
Spreta. I daren't. The steamer has one red and one green eye-
just like MoPSEMAir's at mealtimes !
Alfred {common-sensibly). Only her lights, you know. She
doesn't mean anvthing personal by it.
Spreta. But they're actuallv mooring her by the very pier that —
How can they have the heart:
Alfred. Steamboat companies have no feelinflrs. Though why yw
should feel it so, when you positively loathed the dog.
Spreta, }J\jet all, you weren't so particularly fond of him yonrsdf ;
now were you, Alfred P
Alfred, H'm, he was a decent dog enough— for a mongrel I didn t
mtVufhim: nowvondki.
Soreta (nods slowly). There is a change in me now. I am easier
tojplease. I could share you with tiie mangiest mongrel, if I were
only quite sure you would never again want to follow that minx
MopaA, Alfred i ®*
Alfred. I never said I dki want to ; though I can't answer for the
trolL But I must go away si mewhere — I 'm such a depresauifr com-
panion for you. I shall go away up into the aolitodes—wfaion re- 1
Fdbuabt 16, 1895.]!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVABI.
77
minds me of an aneodote I never told either yon or Mopsa before.
Sit down and I will tell it yon.
Spreta {ttmitUv). Not the one abont the night of terror yon had on
the moontains, Alfkso, when yon lost yonr way and oonlda't find a
polioeman anj^where abont the peaks? fiecanse I 'ye heard that—
and I don't think I can stand it again.
Alfred (coldly and bitterly). Yon see that I haye really nothing to
fill np my life with, when my own wife refuses to listen to my anec-
dotes I Kow MopsA always What is all that barking [down
there in the town P
Spreta {wUh an outburst). Oh, yon '11 see, they've fonnd Little
MOPSBMAV I
Alfred. Not they. He '11 never be fonnd. Those handbills of
rra were a mere waste of money. It is only the onrs fightingfin
street— as nsnaL
Spreta {slowlif, and totth resolution). Only that, Alfbbd. And do
yon know what I mean to do, as soon as yon are away solitndinising
up there in the monntain hotels P I will go down ana bring all those
poor negleoted dogs home with me.
Alfred (uneasUy). What— the whole lot of them, SpebtaP
(Shocked.) In onr little Mopsbman's plaoe !
SprHa {firmly and decidedly). Svery one. To fill Little MoPSE-
MAir's plaoe. Tne^ shall dig np his bones, lie on his mat, take it in
tarns to sleep in his basket. I will try to~h'm^lighten and ennoble
their lot in life.
Alfred {^mth growing uneasiness). When yon simply detest all
do^l I don't know anyone less fitted than yon to manage a Dog's
Home. I really don't I
Spreta, 1 must fill the void in my life somehow — if yon go and
leave me. And I must edncate myself to understand dogs better,
that's alL
Alfred. Yes, that yon would have to do. {As if struck with an
idea.) Before yon begin. Suppose I take up mv big fat book on
Cantne Idiosyncrasy onoe more, eh P That woula teach yon how to
norify and ennoble every poodle really scientifically, you know.
Only you must promise to wait till I 've got it done.
Spreta {^h a melancholy smile). I am in no hurry Alfabd.
Only to write that you would nave to remain at home.
Alfred (half evasively). Not necessarily. I might, of course— for
a while, that is. But 1 shall have many a heavy day of work before
me, Sp&bta, and you will see, now uid then peniaps, a great slum-
berous peace descend on me as I toil awav in my brown shdy— but I
shall be making wonderful progress all the same.
Spreta. 1 shall quite understand that, Alfred. Oh, dear, who in
the world's this P
[The YA&iinfT-BLOK appears mysteriously in the gloom.
The VdmUnt^Bldk. Excuse me, Captin, and your sweet ladvship,
bat I just happened to drop my eye on one of those lovely little nand-
billikms here, and took the liberty to step up, thinking it might so
htt>pen that vou 'd been advertising the very identical dawg what
followed me home the other day. You may remember me passing
the remark how wonderful partial dawgs was to me. So I brought
him up on the chance like.
iHe produces little Mopsbman— in mufii—from a side-pocket.
Spreta. It is our Little Mopsbman I So you are not some super-
natural sort of shadowy symbol after all, then P
The Varm.-B. (hurt). Now I ask you, lady— do I look it P Here's
my professional card. And if you should have the reward handy
(As Alpbsi) pays him.) Five Rix doUarkins— correct, my lord, and
thankee kindly. (As he departs.) You'll find I've learned that
sweet little mongrel a thing or two ; take the nonsense out of any rat
in Norway now, he wilL And just you ask him to set up and give
three cheers for Dr. Ibsbn— that 's all !
IHe goes out, chuckhngsofUi^.
Alfred {holding out Little MopsEMAif at arms' length), H'm ; it
will oe a heavy day's work to purify and ennoble this poodle after all
he has been through, eh, Spbeta Y 1 think, as you seem to have
developed quite a taste for such tasks, I shall allow you to undertake
itr-«ll by yourself.
Spreta (turns away with her half-teasing smile). Thanks
THB BKD.
OUE BOOKING-OFFICE.
** Bbfobb yon finish yonr whiff and depart to dress for dinner,"
quoth the Baron, ** just read through Mr. Eacorri's articde in the Fitrt-
'tightly.^* If you uved in Literary Bohemia many years age, it will
revive pleasant memories, and if jrou didn't, it will interest those
#ho did with whom, in conversation at dumer, yon can start the
sabject Bohemia exists always ; only, as Mr. Laudatob Tbmpo&is
^CTi will, of course, sing, it was at its best in
" The days when we went gipieying
A long time ago! "
** Gild to see Mr. Ssoott's pen at work again," quoth the kindly
Babok bb B.-W.
PROFESSIONAL INSTINCT.
Kimdly Omitleman {from True Blue Club). *' And what has bbouoht
Yon TO THIS dbplorablb ooMBinoH f Drink f— Qambuno f "
OmUleman.of the FavemetU {spotting his man). " No, indebd, Sib ;
MT mSFOBTUNBa ABB BNTIBELT ATTBIBUTABLB TO FbBB TrADB,
Monometallism, and thb Dbath Duties."
[Immedia U relief on a generous scale ,
MRS. A.'S AT HOME.
Aa awful night! I do belieye it's snowing I
Who from his *' ain fireside" would wish to roamP
Only a fool would go—and yet I 'm going—
To Mrs. A.'s At Home I
The burden of At Homes I The bore of dressing I
I must be wielding razor, brush, and comb
(The snow has almost stopped— Come, that's a blessing I)
For Mrs. A.'8 At Home.
WhyamlgoingF Well, to me the reason
Looms large and dear as Paul's cathedral dome :
The reason 's— Nanct. whom I met last season
At Mrs. A.^s At Home.
Hi, hansom I Offwcffol Although sweet Nanct
Since then has yaniahed like a fairy gnome,
Yet I shall see her (sweet conceit) in fancy
At Mrs. A.'s At Home.
*' Thankee, my lord I "—he 's earned that extra shilling.
We 'ye come along, the horse is flecked with foam-
Slowly upstairs I go, the roomsjare filling
At Mrs. A.'s At Home.
Then— why, good heayens I No I It isn't fancy I—
*' Can it be you f I heard you were in Rome.
Just fancy meeting yon"— the real Nancy !—
" At Mrs. A.'s At Home I "
To-night and Nanct— rhyme exoosea fiotion—
lO^t, if I sang them, fill a ponderous tome]: ^
A perfect night! I breathe a benediction \r\Cs\c>
(A Mrs. A.'sAtHomel uy ^^^VJ^LV^
PUNCH,
A DISTINGUISHED AMATEUR.
"AOHl DAT IS A PUTITUL ZONO, LATT PbACOOKE, AND TOU BBONOUKOB GhXBMAK VERT YELL— POT VT DO TOU BLAY ZB
AOOOMBAKIXBNT IN B NaTU&AL f" '*ThB SoNO 's WKITTBN IN B NaTU&AL, UeBB MAE8TB0."
•* ACH ZO I ZkN VY do TOU ZING ZB MbLOTY IN B VlAT ? "
'' Ofl, REALLY, Herb MABSTBO 1 I don't PBBTBND to be a PrOFMSSIOSAL, you know. I ONLY BINO JUST TO PLEASE MY FbIENDS 1 "
'' THE LIGHT FANTASTIC I "
His task demands sinews and nerves
' As tough and as supple as hickory ;
He's done if he stumbles or swerves,
This Titan-like pet of Terpsiohore.
What wonder he seems strung on wires
From the tip of his trunk to his very toe,
Performing a feat which requires
The joint skill of Blondin and C^bito ?
Ah, JuxBO ! stretch halance-wise tail-whisp
and trunk, [or funk.
For you '11 never get through if you f umhle
Scarce *' light" is his ponderous form,
And his footing is hardly '* fantastic."
It makes one g[row nervous and warm
To watch this colossus gymnastio.
Can't " trip it," — although he may trip^ —
His tentative toes throb and tremble ;
He waggles his tail like a whip :
Theresa danger, but he must dissemble ;
And though he an imminent downfall may
dread.
Must walk o'er thebottles with confident tread.
For Titan to dance on a tub
As steady as — Gscil's majoritv.
Is easy, but— oh I there's the ruo—
The bottle-trick has the priority.
It comes first *' by special request,"
And there isn't a chance of evasion.
Poor JxTKBO must fain do his best,
Though he'd rather poetoone the occasion.
'aXasL'Turveydrop now on St. .Stephen's new
floor [more I
Can't choose his own figures or.st^ any
There are plenty of *' turns " he 'd prefer.
And numbers of tricks he 'd do better.
His '* Qradation Dance " made a great stir.
But, alas, for the ffoad and the fetter I
As his enemies pipe he must dance.
To pubUo opinion he 's plastic ;
And so, with a dubious stance.
He essays this untried ^* Lig[ht Fantastic"
From bottle to bottle slow picking his way.
As an overture forced to the programme he 'd
play I ____^^^_^^_^^^
THE HARD FEOST.
(CommwMcations Intercepted in Trcmsit,)
From a School Boy to his Younger Brother »
—My dear Bobbie, — How are you getting on
at home ? We are having a high old time at
Swishbbb'. All the pipesfrozen, and no water
to be got anywhere I And it is so comfort-
able! Yours, &c., Jackie.
From a Firm of Coachbwiders to one of
their Customers.^Deea Sir,— As there is every
reason to believe that the present severe
weather will last for a considerable time, may
we have the honour iof buildiiig for you a
sleigh P We shall be pleased to have the
vehide readv for you in the course of a
month, or at the latest six weeks. Should
the weather break iu the meanwhile, it will
be available under similar conditions next
year or the year after. It will also be quite
possible to carry the sleigh to Siberia, where
it will at all times be found, not only a
luxuiy, but a necessity. We are, dear Sir,
awaiting your esteemed order,
Bbown, Jonbb, akd Robinson.
From a Dramatist to an Intimate Friend,
— ^My dear Bill, — Thank you for the marked
paper you have forwarded to me. But the
statistics are misleading. Talk about this
being the greatest frost on reoord! Ton
would not say so if you had be«*n present at
the first nignt of my play. The Force of
Circumstances^ — Yours gloomily,
SSAKSPBABE TOMIONS.
From a Celestial Official to the PubUe.^
Poor creatures, — You think you have seen
the worst of the winter I Just like your pre-
sumption ! When I can manage a sky salad
of ram, fog, snow, thunderbalts and sunshine
all mixed together in the course of ten
minutes and set it before a London audience in
the midst of a modern January, don't you be
too sure of anjrthing I Wait, my melancholy
maniacs, and you shall see what you mav pos-
sibly live to witness.— Yours disrespeottally.
The Clkbk of the Wsatheb.
THE SLY OYSTER.
'* There is an exoeption to every Rule."
Ba^UtiU **Ma^dm Lane.
'Tis the voice of the Oyster,
I heard him complain,
** You have woke me too soon,
I must slumber again.
I 'm fat and quite well —
Have no doubt on that head—
But say that I 'mill.
And do leave me in bed.
*^ Just a little more sleep,
Just a little more rest ;
How sweet, my dear friends,
I shall be at my best I
Oh, let me repose
Say till May— May the one'th—
When, as everyone knows,
There 's no ^R' in the month I "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -Fbbruary 16, 1895.
"THE LIGHT FANTASTIC!"
THE GREAT SAaACIOUS ELEPHANT "SIR BILL" IN HIS "THRILLING ACT/'^OOalp
Digitized by
Google
Fdbvast 16, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONTX)N CHARIVARI.
81
A VALENTYNE.
(And a lUmansiranee,)
This day to yow, dere ladye, wol I sohowe
Myn hertoB wissohe— ctim pritiiegio.
Of alle semtes nis ther more benirne
To man and mayden noon thanne Yalentyne ;
Sith eyeryoh yeer on that swete seintes day
Mao can to mayden al bis herte displaie
(Bye Cupid arvree smit in sory plignte—
One ^te al pleyn, and twayn ypeinted
brifrhte).
Then wol I mak my pla3mte, ao maist ye
knowe
Von whele, dere ladye, don me modhel wo.
Algates I greve, whanne that Boorohonra I
mete
That riden reocheles adonn the Btrete :
I praie, bethynke yow, sfdohe diverdonn
Ben weel for ma^de of mene condicioun.
Bat ladye fayre in brekes al ydighte
Certes meeeema ne yerray semelye sighte.
Svriohe gere, ydept '^ raodonale," parde,
Righte aone wol be the dethe of ohiyalrye ;
And we achal heren, whanne that it be dede,
The verdite, " Dethe by— Newe Womman-
hede."
Hoede then theffeot and end of my prayere,
Upyeye thy whele, ne manniBsche brekes
were,
Contente Iq graoes maydenlye to 8oh3me,
So mote ye be myn owen Yalentyne.
** Just the weather for reoeiying a sharp
retort," obseryed onr langhing Poolosopher,
with his snow-boots on. Naturally his mend
wished to know why. ''Because," repUed
Dr. Ghucklsr, ** with the temperature below
zero, no one can object to haying a wrap over
the knuckles,^* Then away he went merrily
i over the unartificial ice on the Serpentine.
TOBY TO H.E.H.
[A propot of cropping dogs' ean, a letter from
Sir F. Enollts appeared last week in the Stock-
Ksep^Tf informing an inauirer thatH.R.H. had
neyer allowed any dog of nit to be " mutilated,"
and was pleased to hear that *' owners of dogs had
agreed to abandon so objectionable a practice."]
We humbly thank the
Prince of Waltw,
Henceforth we'll keep
our ears and tails
Intact, and shall not
dread the shears
Which used to crop
our tails and ears.
Ajiuoyelists in maga-
zines,
And writers of dram-
atic soenes,
By editorial scissors
caught
Object to haye their talej out short.
So we, gay dogs : for Ray we '11 be.
Henceforth the best of company !
Conyiyial we around a joint^
And not a tail without a pomt.
Not cropped like oonyicts from the gaols !
*' Ear I Ear!" and ''Bless the Prince of
Wales 1"
Musical Note.— The title of a song, '^Came
where the Booze is Cheaper" has become
widely known owing to a recent triaL We
belieye we are correct Iq saying that this song
about **the Booze" is not poblished by the
well-known lirm of '' Booset & Co."
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
{By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller,)
L-THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS, (contdcubd.)
I ovoHT to mention that the Banee, the aunt of my darling
Cbuodah, was as susceptible as she was hauithty and ferocious.
Daring my stay in the capital I had had seyeral interyiews with her,
and I could not disguise from myself — why should i P — ^that she re-
garded me with no common fayour. Indeed, she had taken the
somewkat extreme step of informing me semi-officially (so that she
might aifterwardB, if Deceesary, be at liberty to disayow it) that, if F
would only consent to marry her. she would undertake to poison tiir
Bovamt BATTLEHOBir. I snould
thus be eleyated not only to the
supreme command of the British
foroea^ but also to the throne of
the Diamond Citj. But I with-
stood her blandishments, capti-
yated, as I was, by the tkider
maidenly loyeliness of Chuddah.
and the wicked old woman had
sworn to haye her reyenge. I
had, of course, a staunch ally in
her brother, the Mesbhot, but in
his disabled condition, that yete-
ran warrior could be d little real
use to me. Still he knew of my
We for bin niece Chuddah, ana.
knowing all my worth, he had
already consecrated with his bless-
ing our nrospectiye union. On this
partienlar eyeoing I fouod Chud-
dah in her cosy little boudoir
alone, aaye for the presence oi her
stout and comfortable old Ayah or
Nana. The darling girl sprang up
as I entered the room and t&rew
hersdf into my arms in a passion
of affection. 1 gently disoigaged
her arms from about my neck,
and proceeded, as best I could, to
infonn her that I had come t J take
leaye of her for a short time. Her
frief was terrible to witness.
^'Oh^myown!" she sobbed (I
translate her language) ; '* my
r'^
T---=-vif
yery , yery own, my tall and gorgeously beautiful son of the fair-faced
English, my moon of radiant splendour, my star of aspiring hope,
Mty not thou art come to say faretirell, say it not my dearest
Duffadar, for Chuddah cannot bear it."
** But, my darling," I urged, "duty calls, and Chuddah would
not haye her OaLAin>o flinch."
The beautiful girl admitted the firce of thi^ appeal, and a renewed
scene of affectionate leaye-taking took place. Suddenly the Ayah.
who up to this moment had been dozing in her arm-chair, rose, ana
holding up a wamine hand said, '* Hist ! "
We did so, alarmed by the impressiye air of the good old nurse.
•• Hist ! What i«» that wund f "
I listened intently, and sure enough heard a faint tapping, proceed-
ing apparently nom the floor
under my feet.
'• I suspect treachery," con-
tinued the Ayah hurriedly.
*' 'Twas only yester mom I saw
YouBTOUB scowling at us as we
passed by on our ear^ walk. Oh,
beware^y lord, of i oubtoub."
This YouBTOUB, I ought to say,
was the young and bloodthirsty
Prince of the Lozen Jehi, a trib«
of wild warriors from the north.
Betrothed to the beautiful Chud-
dah at an early age, he natur-
ally yiewed with hatred the adyent
of one on whom nature had be-
stowed her f ayours so bountifully,
and who was bound, therefore, to
make himself dear to Chuddah.
I knew he detested me, but I had
hitherto scorned him. I was now
to disooyer my mistake.
Scarcely had the words left the
Ayah*s lips when a loud rumbling
made itself heard : the floor seemed
to heaye in one terrific crash,
there was a horrible explosion,
and before I had time to realise
what had happened we three,
Chuddah, the Ayah and I, were
being propelled upwards into space
at the rate of at least a thousand
miles an hour.
(To be eotUtmtmL)
"HiBtl What U that sound P"
82
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Fbbbuabt 16, 1896.
■^''Wmi
fef '^%
'* Arm yqu csomin' 'ome f "
*' I'lI- IW KLLTTHIK TOTT LIKM HT HKASOL, M'kIA— {A*c)— BlTB I WOlt*T OOHX 'OU."
my
him in hand, and I just tanght him, and
now 1"
** Yea, I know. But how did you teaohhimP"
** I fell upon him. I knodced him from his
perdi, and ia the fall broke his wietohed
flwtnrd with my own weight I "
**What yery arbitrary diatinotionB you
drawl"
** I don't know what you mean. Idolikea
plaything to be imart, anyhow. Don't yoo,
Mr. Warn Rabbit f You don't play your
tambourine properly. Now I ahall take you
in hand." And she slipped toward me.
**I prefer to use my own drumatidks. I
oan make enough noise in the world without
extraneous asaistanee."
** How silly you are. I don't want to see
YOU spiok and sinui, as if you were ready to
be given awav with a pound of tea."
'^StiU, I don't see why I should alter
li mmniifig ^*
** Oh, YOU are stupid I Of course you ad-
mire mel"
*'Ashedid. I see."
** You seem to think that Yery funny."
••Not a bit"
•• Then we are agreed. There is not muoh
fun in our talk."
••You're always so obseryant. There is
not. Short sentences."
•• And a $atip^an of the unexpressed."
••Which means so yery muoh. When
uaderstoodP"
She swayed frmn one side to the other.
There was an easterly wind blowing fuU from
the open north door of the Arcade. I looked
unhappy. There is an understanding that I
ahall look unhappy except when I am beating
my tambourine with my drumsticka.
• What was I saying before ~bef ore you—
YOU know— oh, about our talk, of course,
beinff rather flat and not yery profitable P "
•• I haye no more to say," said I.
•• But he was yery angry, for in my fall I
broke his nose."
•• I haye a bad nose, too."
••What's the matter with your noseP"
asked the Bag Doll smiling.
•• The joint is injured and some of the far
has come off my hcad-nn fact, I am a« bald
as the ball of an eighteen-penny bas[atelle-
board," and I contriyed (with the assistance
of the draught) to roll away a little.
•• You find carriage exercise good for your
poor nose P " bubbled the Rag DolL
Now when the Bag Doll bubbles— an opera-
tion which includes a sudden slipping down
the ihelf , the lighting up of glass eyes, a dart
of a kid-coyered arm with yague fingers, and
a gurgling gust of slipping dirapery — ^I am in
the habit of ceasing to argue the question.
••Well, your fall will not damage the
machinery. You haye nothing to do but
look— you understand. While I haye to beat
TOYS' TALK.
{Being an unflattermg Tale of Hope,)
••Thsbs's bgratitude for you," said the
Bag Doll markd •• three-and-six."
•* Where P" I asked, rousing myself from
my meditation on my tambounne and drum-
stidks.
She pointed to a figure which had just been
placed in llie second row. He was dressed
yery smartly in a red coat trimmed with
tinsel. But he had an unmistakeable air of
second-hand.
••I made that man," said the Bag Doll.
•• and now he cuts me dead before them sU I
It's atrocious I Why, but for me he would
haye been bought for fiye shillings, and would
haye been the property of the plainest child
in London."
•• Not tiiat," I pleaded ; •• think of "
•• Well, yery main, anyhow. I was ready
to bow to him. I almost did."
••In fact, you did."
••I didn't. IdecUreldidn't."
••Oh, well, you didn't, then. It only looked
like it."
••He first came here," said the Bag Doll,
•• three weeks ago. At that time he was —
Suite presentable. He was eyerythinff he
bouldoe. He stood firmly on his legs without
toppling oyer, and had his cooked hat firmly
fixed on his head. And his sword "
••Where did he wear that P"
••He carried that, Mr. Whttx Rabbit.
Don't be silly. Wore it by his side, you
know, and hsd epaulettes, too."
•• He has changed outwardly at least"
••Yes, I know; well, I did that I took
my tambourine with my
^' But I won't fall ui
drumsticks."
upon you. I reseryed
my weight for the warrior that was once
yalued at fiye shillings and is now reduced to
half-a-crown."
•* Because you— educated him P "
•• Yes. And now he cuts me dead I Why
he will be bought by some one with poorer
means, and will be all the more apweoiated."
•• Of course you did not care for the im-
poYcrished soldier P "
••NotaUttiebit."
•• Nor any one else P"
••Oh, well "
Then I repeated the question seyeral times
in such a way that if written a line of space
would be giyen to eyery query. It was a
notion of ALEXAin)iiB Dumas pere to do the
same in his noyels. And his sentences were
worth a franc a line. At least, so it has been
related.
The Bag Doll looked straight in front of her.
Fdbuabt 16, 1895.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
83
''ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. rv.— The Glacial Pebiod. Htds Park, 1895. ** Dbiyen in by Stbess of Wbathkb."
'* Hullo, old chappie," I said to myself ; '* where did you spring
from?'*
'* Why, it 's my proprietor I " said the Rag Doll, ceasiiig to bubble,
and beooming. aU propriety.
The toy merchant took no notice of what we had said. How could
he when our yoices were inaudible P But he dusted us with his
feather-brush, and left us ready for another dialogue. For all that
the Rag Doll didn't think he was coming just then. No more did I.
THE TEN LITTLE MEASUEES.
{An Unionises Forecast,)
[The meaiam in the GoTemment Programme are ten in number (m%
the WuimintUr OaxetU), Tiz., I, Iridi Land Beform ; 2, WeUh DisetUb-
lishment; 3, Local Veto; 4, One Man, one Vote; 5, Charfting Election
Bxpenset on Bates; 6, Unification of London ; 7, A Factory Bill; 8, £sUb-
lishment of Conciliation Boards ; 9, Completion of Scottish County Govern-
mflnt^; 10, Belief of Crofters.]
Tkn little measures hung upon the line.
One went up to the Lords, and then there were nine.
Nine little measures asked their turn to wait,
One shoved in to the front, and then tiiere were eight.
Eight little measures promising us heaven.
One met a Witler host, and then there were seven.
Seven little measures crossing the Lords* Styx,
One of 'em tumbled in, and men there were six.
8ix little measures a-trying to look alive,
One was talked dean on his head, and then there were five.
Five little measures on the Session's lea shore.
One saw Goe and Maooo there, and then there were four.
Four little measures as weak as weak could be.
One o'er an Amendment tripped, and then there were three.
Three little measures a-looking precious blue.
One met E-r H-bd-b's frown, sind then there were two.
Two little measures a-trying a last run.
One of them had ** special Sootdi," and then there was one.
One little measure then aspired to '* cop the bun,''
H-BC-BT coolly chucked it up, and then there were None I
[^iMi then the Government went <nU^ and Unioniste had fun !
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTBACTED FBOM THE DIABY OP TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons^ Tuesday^ February 5.— Almost thought just
now we were going to have another Bbai>L4U6H business. House
crowded; Members on all sides eager for the fray. At the bar,
closely packed, stood group of newly-deoted Members. Seen rome of
them bere before. BROADHTmsr back again after what seems years
of exile. Elliott Lebs, deep in thought as to where he shall next
go for his groceries in Birkenhead, m centre of the group. The
new SolidtOT-General, our old friend Fbakk Locitwood, like a tall
maple (not Sir Bluivdell), lifts his head and smiles.
*^ Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the
table," says the Speakeb.
Bboadhubst, in the van, sprang forward. Had made a fair start
when Hbbbt Jimes, watchful in aerie on comer bench below gang-
way, leaped to feet and proposed to discuss the legality of situation.
Obieotion founded on abstruse mathematical problem. Two writs
haa been moved to fill vacancies in the representation of Leicester.
There had been only one election. There should, Hbnbt James
argued, have been two. Consequently, election invalid; the two
new Members for Leicester not Members at all, only strangorst
intruders across the bar, liable to be whipped off in custody oi
Swgeant-at-Arms.
Here was a pretty prospect for opening of Session to which SauiBB
OF Malwood had come with his pocket full of BiUs I Sergeant-at-
Arms glanced uneasUy at Bboadhttbst retreating before interruption.
What if repetition of the old process were imminent ? Were there
to be more carpet-dances on fioor of House through summer after-
noons, as was the wont of Captain Gossbt pirouetting to and from
the M.ace, House not quite sure whether he was dutohing Bbadlaugh
or BBADLAveH himr Then the merrv scenes in the outer hall,
BBADLAireH fighting at long odds, finally thrust down the staircase,
breathless, his coat torn, his stylographic pen broken. Bboadhubst
a stone or two lighter than Bbadlavgh. But was he equally
nimble-footed P Certainly he had not yet acquired the practice
which in tiie second Session of the controversy enabled BBADLAireH
84
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
Fdbuabt 16, 1895.
and the Sergeant-at-Arms to advanoe, retire, chasser^ and dasp
hands across the middle, in perfect time.
Bat a great deal has happened in the fifteen years that haye
sped since, from a corner seat on the side of the Honse facing
Henbt Jamies, Drummond Wolff rose, and with emphatic gestore
barred Bradlauoh*s progress to the table. By striking coincidence
that strange chapter in Parliamentary history, opening by chance
accident and leading to stirring consequences, was finally closed
this very night, when Ajhses-Dguglas moved writ to fill vacancy
created in South Paddington by death of ** Right Hon. Randolph
Hriokt Spbncsk Chctbchill, commonly called Lord RAHSOLPfl
Chttbchill."
Henst J amies had not concluded his sentence when Spkaxer inter-
posed with ruling that there must be no interference with Members
nesinng to take their seats. So incident dosed. Members for
Leicester sworn in. Broadhubst, in exuberance of moment, made
as though he would publicly shake the hand the clerk held out to
take wnt of return. But Rioivali) Frawcis Douce Paloratb not
made E.C.B. for nothing. '*The writ, the writ I" he hoarsely
murmured, waving back the friendly hand. BROADBURirr hastily
produced document from breast-pocket, and thus fresh scandal was
averted.
Business done* — Address moved.
Wednesday, — Exceptional interest in this afternoon's proceedings
in view of circumstance that Ellis Ashmsad-Bartlett (EnightV--
what was it Grandolph said about mediocrity with double-barrelled
names ?— would appear in his new character as Siloiqg. Title con-
ferred during recess by delegates from Swaziland. Curiosity
quickened by report that dShd would be made in character.
Yesterday we had mover and seconder of Address in velvet suits
with silver buttons and brands Excalibur at their side. Why not
Silomio in the native dress of the nation that has adopted him P
Rome disappointment when he turned up in ordinary frock-coat.
IJnderstooa that weather responsible for this. Swazi morning dress
picturesque, but with nine degrees of frost in Palace Yard a little
inadequate, espedally for a beginner.
Even in commonplace English dress Silomio made a striking figure
as he stood at the table, and belaboured it for ** Swaziland, my
Swaziland." Looked at times as if he were ^oing to leap over,
and seize by the throat Sydney Buxton provokingly smiling on the
other side. Last week's handkerchief hanging out from his coat tail
pocket, in liberal measure though crumpled state, lent a weird
effect to back view, not interrupted by inconvenient . crowding
on front Opposition Bench. Odd how Silomig's colleagues in late
Ministry find business elsewhere when he rises to orate.
B%mness done, — Talking round Address.
Thursday,— l^^et painful scene in House to-night. Chaplin
resuming debate on Address led its course gently by the still waters of
bimetallism. Somehow
that a subieot that has
never quite entranced
attention of frivolous
Commons. It works
certain subtle spell
upon them. At cfink
of sovereign and shil-
luag between argu-
mentative finger and
thumb they slink away.
So it was to-night
whilst Chaplin spoke.
Faithful among the
faithless found was
Jemmy Lowther. He
sat attentive beside the
orator with an expres-
sion of profound wis-
dom, unmitigated by
boyish habit of keeping
his hands in his tronser
pocket, not without
suspidon of furtivdy
counting his marbles or
attempting to open his
knife with the fingers
of one hand.
Jemmy and Chapun
rank amongst oldest
boys in the sohooL One
a ... , . « ^ took his seat for mid-
Spoibng his PeroraUon. Lincolnshire in Decem-
ber, 1868 ; saw the rise to supreme power of Mr. G. and, with some
intervals, suffered it up to the end. The other rode in triumphantly
from York one July day in 1865. Thus their united Parliamentary
ages is fifty-seven, a reioord hard to beat Bhouldar to shoulder they
have, through all this time, resisted attacks on British Constitutum.
Now, suddenly, publidy, in eye of tiie soomer, came sharp parting of
the ways.
Chapliit viewing state of things depressing industrial communities
admitted it was very bad. MUls dosed, mines empty, ship-building
rards silent, workmen starving. Only one thing would save the
State— Bimetallism. '* Is there anyone," said the orator with mag-
nificent wave of arm ronnd desolate benches j ** who has any other
suggestion to make for the salvation of these industries P " Then up
sDoke Jemmy Lowther. ** I have '' he said with final tog at the
blade of the knife hidden in his pocket.
Chapun stood aghast. Could it be possible— his own familiar
friend P He turned, looked down on him, gasping for breath. Then
in a hollow voice he added, '* What has my right hon. friend been
doing all this time P^ Why doesn*t he make his proposal P ''
Here was an opening for apology, recantation, or at least, submis-
sive silence. But Jemmt evidently gone to the bad ; got the bit
between his teeth and bolted. ** I 've made it over and over again,"
he growled, thinking resentfully of his much crying in the wilderness
for that blessed thing Protection. Ribald House roared with
laughter. Chaplin, cut to heart, avdded repetition of painful in-
ddent bv bringing oration to early condusion.
'* Let 's put this matter to practiod test, Toby," he said. ** Come
along with me, and we'll consult the Unemployed."
Not far to go. On Westminster Bridge a hollow-dieeked man
leaning over low wall stared at ice-floes enlently gliding down with
the tide. '* My good man," said Chaplin, ** you look unemplov(>d,
and I daresay you *re hungry. Now, in order to put you straight,
which would you rather have. Bimetallism or Protection P "
** Wdl, if you don't mind,
master," said the Unemployed
huskilv, '* I'd like a chunk o'
bread."
•*AhI" said Chaplin,
** these people are so illogi-
cal." And he gave him half-
a-crown.
Business done. — Drifted
into debate on Bimetallism.
Business can wait.
Friday, — BaTJiBLA of Mal-
wooD Irat dck room to take
I)art in debate and divi-
don on Jeffreys' Amendment
to Address. Self - devotion
dangerous on foggy, frosty
night. But the result worth
it, at least for crowded House
that heard the speech. Beet
thing of the kind done in
House dnce Dizzy's prime.
Sqitirb evidentl^r profited by
neeesdty for rapidity of oom-
podtion. The sharpest barbs
aimed at quivering figure of
JoKiM dtting opponte.
'* Wot 's this he means about . «_.« * ^v it i ji
steaUng my dothes when I A Tnfle for the Unemployed !
was bathing P " said Hardie, with puzzled look. ** With thirteen
degrees of frost under the fog I Don't Ebir less than ever about
bathing. As for my dothes, they might suit Prince Arthur, but
they wouldn't quite fit him."
Business efoittf.— Amendment to Address defeated by twdve votes
in House of 534 Members.
Superior Studies.
LiUraturs and FhUovfphy Class for Female Students,
Master, What is the analogy between Hamlet and Mirabeau P ^
First Oirl (rising). I know. (Pause, then suddenly, and wUh
determination,) Mirabeau didn't ffet on well with his father, and
Hamiet was at daggers drawn with his unde.
[Eeseats herself trtumphantly.
RssBTTiNe AN Old Saw.— Thc descriptive writer in the Dai^
Telegraph, giving his account of the opening of ParEament
observed that ** Hyperoritics have combated the generally aocepted
axiom that one pea entirdy reaembles another," and he went on to
show how one parliamentarv crowd resembled any oth^ P*i^
mentary crowd at the initial ceremony. Assuming therefore tus
dmUarity, suppose we re-set the^old MWy^aiidsa^ l^'J^t' ^
j£,F, s, (3
FiBBUABT 23, 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON X3HAMVARI.
85
THE 0. W. VADE MECUM.
QuesHan. Is it easy to be-
oome a dramatist ?
Antwr. As easy as any-
thing else.
Q. What are the requisites?
A, A West-end theatro, a
first-rate tronpe of artists, a
train<d audienoe, and a per-
sonality.
Q. What do you mean by a
trained aadienoe P
A, An assembly aocnstomed
to aooept everythiDff as wit,
and to lauffh at anjrthinic.
Q. Would such a ratheriog
oonsider it amusing for some-
one to say '* Flirting with one's
husband is guite indelioate:
it is like washinflr one*s dean
linen in public " ?
A. Certainly ; and would
find much to admire in a dia-
logue given over for sometbioff
like ten minutes to an exhaus-
tiye consideration of muffins.
Q. And what do you mean
by a personality ?
A, More or less— an tn«oti-
eiant manner, and a rather
startling button-hole.
Q. Does the personality re-
quire a spNeech or a cigarette P
A, Neither now, a^ both
have o««8ed to be the fashion.
Q. Given the requisites you
have I'peoified for creating a
dramatist, what is the pro-
duct P
A. A trivial comedy for
seriouA people.
Q, Why give a play such a
title?
A. Why not P
Q. Can a comedy occupying
A PURIST IN ENGLISH.
"You OALLBD ICB VSBT LATB THIS MORKIKO, JlNKniBOH 1 '
"Yes, Sir, I 'm sorrt to say I ovbrlaw myself !/'
two or three hours in repre-
sentation be entirely trivial P
A, Not to the members of
the audience.
Q. And are they serious
people P
A, That depends rr^fm. the
condition of their brains and
their capacity of ei^'ovment.
Q. Does the trivial comedy
require a plot P
A, Nothing to speak of.
Q. Or charaoteriftation P
A. No, for the same kind of
dialogue will do for all the
company— for London ladies,
country girls, justices of the
peace, doctors of divinity,
maid-servants, and confiden-
tial butlers.
Q. What sort of dialogue P
A, Inverted proverbs and
renovated paradoxes.
Q. Is this kind of dialogue
entirel V new P
A, Not entirel^r, as some-
thing rather like it has been
heard at the Savoy for thelabt
ten or twenty 3 ears.
Q. But is it good enough
for a British Public P
A. Quite good enough.
They wiU laugh when a
London lady expresses sur-
prise at finding nowers grow-
ing in the country, and roar
when tbey hear the retort,
tbat plants are as common in
theprovinces as people in tovni.
Q. But surely this vein of
sarcasm, satire, or whatever
it is, will some day be worked
out. What can the dramatist
then do P
A, Act upon precedent, and
try fomething else.
TONING IT DOWN.
(SutheDaUff
Japanxsb Vxrsioh.
EuLLY on Tuesday a severe
engagement took pkoe between
the Japanese Fleet and the Chi-
nese Flotilla, ia which the Chinese
in»nclads Wi Ho Wi, Bang Tel
Bang^ and Both Lu Rot were
sunk. The loss on the Japanese
side was a cabin-boy wounded.
The Chinese prisoners amounted
to 180,000 men.
On Wednesday morning the
Japanese lauded and took all the
forts, aod garrisoned the city,
which is now completely in the
hands of the troopa of the
Taiooon.
On Thursday the Japanese
commeuced a general bombard-
ment of the island, and blew up
all the forts and sixty -seven
powder magazines. The Chinese
loss is estimated at 36,000 men.
The Japanese escaped unscathed.
On Friday the Japanese made
thfeir grand attack and took the
ofLatt Week.)
Ohiniss Vbesiov.
Thb Chinese Fleet gave a good
account of the Japane^ Sauadron
on Tuesday. The slaughter of
the Jap9 was enormous, amount-
ing to at least 40,000 sailors and
50,000 marines. There was no
loss on the Chinese »ide. Owing
to a mistake the Wt Ho Wi lost
a rope, the Bang Tel Bang had
her ngure-head slifrhtly damaged,
and the Both Lu Hot re-entered
port just to have her deck
repainted. The Japanese lost
several ironclads and all their
torpedo-boats.
Oq Wednesday an attack of
70,000 Japanese troops was re-
poised with great blaughtcr by
the Chinese, and the invader* are
now in active retreat. The Chi-
nese have not pursued them, from
motives of an entirely philan-
thropic character.
An artillery dud to(^ place on
Thursday between the Chinese
troops and the Japanese, in which
the latter lost all their war ma-
teriel and seventy -nine general
officers. The casualty on the
Chinese side was one dnii|iinfr-
boy slightlv mounded— sprain of
the left little toe. ., .^^^ • . /i
For a few minutes the Japanese
secured a footing on the island,
island by assault, and destroyed
all the enemy's fle«t, with the
exception of a gun-boat.
The Chinese Fleet on Saturday
was entirely at the mercy of the
Japimese, and the Admiral is
soliciting for terms. A flag of
truce is floating from the re-
maining Chinese ironoUuL
Ob Sunday the Japanese con-
sented to permit the Chinese
Admiral and sailors to uncon-
ditionally surrender, and have
arranged to protect them fn>m
the fury of the Chinese Govern-
ment.
but were soon induced to retreat.
Many of the Chinese ironclads
have seen much service, but are
still able to dispose of the enemy.
The Chinese Admiral during
Saturday has wired to his Gov-
ernment — **The Japanese, after
one sUj^ht reverse, having lost all
heart, are now suing for peace.
We snail be careful to gruard the
best interests of the empire.''
The Chinese Admiral (under
Sunday's date) has wired to Pekin
— **Have oome to arrange mt-nt
with Japanese authorities. Shall
not return to Pekin. Gocd-bye.
Those who have no other engage-
ments are going home to tea. '
U
HARD LINES.
(By a MathenuUieal Bard,)
Ah. spooks of Euoud, Nbwton, weep for me.
For I 'm a miswably blighted biped I
And here *s llie cause— I wrote an ode, you see,
Alluding to a parallelepiped.
I *d spelt my Dolysy liable all right.
The blesstd word I hoped would make me famous ;
The vulgar error 1 'd avoided quite.
And thought no one could call me ** ignoramus."
It safely passed in proof through each " revise " ;
But didn't 1 rave, when 1 my book inspected,
And found it by pome printer over-wise
To ** paralh lopipe d '^ miscorrected
tfB. PricH'sCJBiTicifeir o» Jobs Davidson
— *• It ain't all Lavender."
•sifrrft^^^roS
TOL. OYin.
86
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FmauABT 28, 1896.
THE UNEMPLOYED.
fUimbtr Jo*. " Iv THiBS 'xsi Fipn 'us oitlt bost, tbuui 'd bx a oharnoc of a,
iioff.gqM'MjOOglc
Fdbuabt 2S« 1890.]^
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
87
THROUGH STRESS OF WEATHER.
TofiMfiy (itfUr eoniemplatimg the Hones {njrtmt of h4my. " I shall huht ok Oawtdgs Hobsbs whin I 's a icak, Jon 1 Thmt
SAT AST or THSI& HSADf OTF, LIKB WHAT HUNTIBS ALWAYS DOBS IN FbOSTT WsATHBB, HAS THXT f"
•t
THE UNEMPLOYED.
Plunder Joe loquilur: —
Oh, bast it ! Or, rayther. bast them ! I 'ye
my eye on the pipes o' this House,
As might ffive me the ohaiist as / wants, hat,
hr goD^ it's a regolar ohonse.
Nsry mut m 'em yet, as I sees I I ain't none
o* Ter omarv nands,
There isn't a task in my trade bat wot smart
Phimber Job understands.
And at making a jint I 'm daisy. Our trade
is a topper, it is.
But one an ot the pottrers oalled plumbers
ain't nothink like up to their biz-
Mere poor paltryfogffers, most on 'em, as
boggle, and bungle, and botoh.
'Tsin't bixneee the beggars are arter, but
more sijeshul Irish— or Sootoh I
A eopper-mt jint is their utmost, but wot
they like most is a splodge
Of oanvas and white-lead or putty; their
work is all fakement and dodge,
As won't last a fortnit, not wat^tight. As
to a blow-jint, well did,
lest oouldn^t take it on nohow~no, not
__ you tipped 'em a quid.
But I'm a oertif oated plumber, a master of
shaye-hook and solder.
Of turn-pin, and mallet, and fire-deyiL
Plumoer who 's smarter and bolder
With bbw-pipe, and lamp-blaok, and size,
you won^t nnd London through if jer try ;
And at "wiping a jint"— ah I— a picktei^
there 's none as ean wipe Jobt's eye.
Then at sanitry work I Bless yer buttons,
yer dashed County CouncQ ain't in it ;
Theyie
And as to that there Wallacb Britgb, wy,
I '11 iist wipe him up in a minit,
Thouffh ne hoe a good fighting name on 'im.
Galls me a quaok, too, does Bill,
And 'ints I dunno my own trade I Wait a
bit, and I'll giye Atm a pilL
In«aDitry aireys. indeed I As a jodge of a
rookery or uum
There ain't ne'er a Cockney C. C. as can side-
up with JoBT the Brum ;
Wot '« doesn't know 'aint wuth knowing.
I '11 set 'em all riffht, though,— in time.
When England's a/T Brummagemised, and
I 'm boss of it, wonH it be prime?
Meanwhile, I'm a bit out-of-work. Un-
employed, so to speak, like a lot,
Although I ain't no ^' Unskilled Labourer."
Habdib talks thunderin' rot.
But I thought 'e mieht make me a hopening.
Somehow the fakement was lost.
And yet I ehauld be flush o' work, for we 'ye
had a unusual frost.
As this House, like the rest, must haye felt.
Wy. I liiought they 'd ha' bust long ago.
Them Guyerment pipes, and be blowed to
'em. 'Ere in the sludge and the snow
I 'ye bin waiting a tidy long spell, till my
toes 'aye like ioioles grown.
I 'ye bin journeyman quite long enough,
and I want to set up^* on my own."
Pal Abthub is all yery well, but at bossing
a bit of a slob.
And when these big pipes do a bust, well— I
see a rare ohamoe of a job I
For ns SiicLB.— *'New men, new man-
ners." '* New women— no manners."
AN ARTISTIC ''FB08T."
[According to the Dm^ T^iemph^ the Ssifroii
Hul street^monciaiiB are oompiaining that their
barrel-orgsnB are frosen.]
Macaroni Carlo emge : —
Ah^ ehe la morte ognara—
Batta! no more ean I play I
So at noetri monti ancora
RUomfromo to-day I
Ebhene^ U mio padrone —
I bid 'im an' Londra /rood-bye I
'E may grind out 'imseS 'is eamane
For neyer again will I try I
E troppo ! my barrel— 'e 's frosty,
An^ round I can not make 'im turn I
The musio of Ybrdi and Tosn
No longer a eoldo ean earn I
•' Jfy Honey r won't thaw, and tiiere's
^♦Dawy"
An uiiele frozen right through I
do addi^ Itighilterra, paeee
Where ardsts haye no more to dol
Rbtubk to thb CLA88I08.— There is ataUc
of reviyingOlympian Games. Athens or Paris
to begin. The competitors to be eosmopolitan.
England will send her prize boxer or wrestler,
^d if erowned yiotor, let him, after the
manner (d the andent Greeks, be free of taxes
and rates for the remainder of his life. How
the oompetition will grow. The .toiths, the
Browns, all the patres familias will be uved
by the matres to go forth and take part im
ue contest. ../lyiuiicu uy ^«^.^-* '*._^ ^._^ jL 1. '^
88
PUNCH. OR THE LXJNDOTf CHARTVaRJ.
[FflBBUABr 2S, 1895.
MUs de M, {to herseff). What on earth's .a sideboard-obtli ?
lAloud.) Why, I 'ye the very thing ! See— all worked UL^Ronian
•titohl
Mr$, N. (dubum$ly). I thought they were always quite plain.
And what 's that queer sort of Map-thing for P
M%99 de M, On, that f That's— a— to oover np the spoons, and
forks, and thinn ; quite the latest fashion, now^ yon know.
]l£r9. y, (toiih seiS^'Ossertian), I have notioed it at several dinner-
parties I 'ye been to in society lately, eertainly. Still, I 'm not sore
that
MU$ de M, 1 always have them on my own sideboard now— my
husband won*t hear it any others. . . . Then, I may put this one in
paper for you? iifteen-and-sixpenoe— thanks «o much! (To her
eoUeague^ ae Mrs. N. departs.) CoNiriK, I Ve got rid of that awful
nightgown oase at laet !
Mre, Mayeup* A— you donH happen to have a small bag to hold a
IN THE CAUSE OF CHARITY.
ScTWB— Jfona Home, the Town Mansion of the Marquis of Mavx«
which has been lent for a Sale of Work in aid of the ** Fond
for SuperannuaUd Skirt-daneers,'* under the patronage of
Boyalty and other distinguished personages.
In the EiTTRAircB Hall.
Mrs. WyUe Bedhead (attempting to insinuate herseff between
*he barriers). Excuse me ; I only want to pop in for a moment, just
see if a lady friend of mine is in there, that's all!
The Lady Money-taker (blandly). If you will let me know your
friend's name ?
Mrs. W. D. (splendide mendax). She's assisting the dear
Duohess. Now^ perhaps, you will allow me to pass I
The L. M. Afraid 1 can't, really. But if you mean Lady HovoR wf • , - ^ *- -
Hyndlegobs— «A« is the only lady at the Duchess's stall— I oould powder-pun, and so on, you know?
send in for her. Or of
course, if you like to
pay half-a-orown
Mrs. W.D. (hastily].
Thank you, 1— I won't
disturb nerlailyship. I
had no idea there was
any charge for admis-
sion, and— (ftm^my)-
allow me to say I con-
sider such regulations
mo«< absurd.
The L. M. (sweetly,
with a half (glance at
the bowl of coins on the
table). Quite too ridicu-
lous, ain*t they P Good
afternoon!
Mrs. W. D. (audibly,
as she flounces otU). It
they suppose /'m going
to pay half -a- drown for
the priyilege of being
fleeced I
Footman (on steps,
sotto voce, to confrere),
*' Fleeced" I that's a
good'un, ehP She am' t
Drought much wool in
ynihherl
Bis Confrere. On'y
what's stuffed inside
of her ear.
[,They resume their
former impassive
dignity.
Inthx Venetian Gal-
LVBT— tr^ra the Ba-
zcuir is being held,
A Loyal Old Lady
(at the top of her voice
— to Stall -keeper).
Which of 'em's the
Princess, my dear, eh P
It's her I paid my
money to see.
The Stall-keeper (in
a dismayed wnisper).
Ssh I Not auite so loud !
bonnetr— selling kittens.
The L. O. L. (planting herself on a chair). So that'n her I Well,
she is dressed plain— for a Eoyalty— but looksp^a^ofi^ oDougfa. 1
wouldn't mind taking one o' them kittings aflfher Royal 'Igbness
myself, if they was going at all reasonable. But there, I expect, the
" Tpu hare loftjr unbitioDi and the artistic temperament."
There— just opposite^petunia bow in her
that her confidences are not en-
cats *ere is meat for my masters, so to speak ; and you see, my dear,
'aying the promise (d a tortoise-shell tom mmi the lady as keeps
the Dairy next door, wheneyer-
IShe finds, unth surprise^
couraged.
Miss St. Leger de Mayne (persuasively, to Mrs. Nibblsr). Do let
me show you some of this exquisite work, all embroidered entirely by
hand, you see I
Mrs, Nibbler (edatng away). LoyeLy—qttite loyely ; but I think—
a— I 'U just take a look round before I
Miss de M, Ji there is any particular thing you were looking for,
perhaps / could — ^
Mrs, N, (becoming confidential). Wdl, I did think if I could ooma
across a nice sideboard-cloth-^-
Miss de M, I had
some yery pretty ones ;
but I'm afraid they're
all— oh, no, there 's just
one loft— crimson y ely et
and real p<issementerie.
(She produces a bag,)
Too trotty for words,
isn't it P
Mrs, Maycup (tacitly
admitting its trottiness).
But then— t^at sort of
purse-shape Gould
I get a small pair of
folding curling-irons in-
to it, should you think,
at a Dinch P
MtssdeM. You could
get anifthing into it—
at a pmoh. I 'ye one
myself whioh will hold
— well, I can't tell you
what it UHmU hold I
Half-a-guinea — so
many thanks I (To her-
self, as Mrs. Matcdp
carries off her bag.)
What would the Yicar^s
wife say if she knew
I 'd sold her church
collection bag for that !
But it 's all in a good
cause I (An Elderly
Lady comes up.) May
I snow i»you aome oS
these P
The Elderly Lady.
Well, I was wandering
if you had such a thing
as a good warm paircn
sleeping socks: beJoause,
these bitter nights, I do
find I suffer so from
cold in my feet.
Miss de M. (wUh
effusion). Ah, then I
can feel for you — so do
// At least, I used to
before I tried— (7b her-
Ah, /
self) Where is that pair of thick woollen driying-gloyes P
know. (Aloud,)^ihe»e, 1 'ye found them such a comfort I
The E, L: (suspiciously)' They have rather a queer And then
they 're diyided at the ends, too.
Miss de M. Oh. hayen*t you seen those before P Doctors consider
them so much heal^er, don't you know.
The E, L, I daresay they are, my dear. But aren't ih»—(wiih
dcKcate embarrassment)-— i^^ separated parts rather long P
Miss de M, Do you think so P They allow so much more freedom,
you see : and then, of course they *11 snrink.
The E, L, That's true, my dear. Well, I '11 take a pair, as 3 ou
recommend them so sb^ngly.
Miss de M, I *m quite sure you '11 neyer r^fret it 1 (To herself,
as the £. L. retires, charmed,) I 'd giye anything to see the poor old
thing trying to put them on I
Mtss Mimosa Tendrill (to herself), I do so hate hawking this horrid
old thing about I (Forlornly, to Mrs. Allbutt-Innett.) 1— I b^g
your pardon ; but will you giye me ten and sixpence for this loyely
^rk-baaket P
Mrs, AUbutt^InneU. My good girl, let me tell you I 'ye been
-3^
-TrgrrrrrTTTTf
FnsuABT 23, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARIVARL
89
pestered to Imy that identioal basket at everj bazaar
I/ye set foot in for the last twelyemonth. and how
yon can hare the face to ask ten and six tor it— yon
mnst think' I 're^more money than wit I
I Miss Tendr. {aba$hed). Well-eighUenfenee then ?
iTo hertelff as Mrs. A.-L eloMes prompUy.) There,
*Te sold ionuthing^ anyhow I
The Hon, Diana D'Auienbas (to herseff). It's
rather fun selling at a Bazaar ; one oan let oneself oo
so mnoh morel {To the first man she meets.) Vm
sure you'll buy one of my hnttonholes— now wonH
you ? If I fasten it in for you myself ?
Mr, Cadney Bowser. A bntton'cde, ehP Think
I 'm not classy enough as I am ?
Miss UAuL I don't think anyone ooold aooose
you of not being *' classy ** ; still, a flower would Just
give the finishing-touoh.
Mr. C. R, {modestly). Rate I— if ^oull pass the
freedom. But tou'to such a way with jou. that—
there— 'ow mucn ?
Miss UAut. Only flye shillings. Nothing— to yoti /
Mr, C, B. Five boo ? You 're a artful giiL you are!
** Fang de Seakale^** and no error I But I 'm on it ;
it's worth the money to 'aye a flower fastened in by
such fair 'andr. I won*t 'owl— not eyen if you do run
a pin into me. . . . What ? You ain't done a'ready I
No *urry, yer know. . . . 'Ere, won*t jon come along
to the refreshment-stall, and 'aye a httle something
at my expense. Do !
Miss lyAut, I think you must imagine you are
talking to a barmaid I
Mr, C, R, {with gallantry), 1 on'y wish barmaids
was 'alf as pleasant and sociahle as yoti. Miss. But
they 're a precious stuck-up bt, / can assure you !
MissiyAut, {to herseff, as sheescapes), I suppose one
ought to put up with this sort of thing— for a diarity !
Mrs. Babhicomhe {at the Toy Stall, to the Belle oj
the Bazaar, aged three^and-a^half). You perfect
duck ! You 're simply too sweet I I must find you
something. {She tempers generosity with discretion
by mresetUing her with a small pair of kniUedidoU s
soeks.) There, darling I
The BelUts Mother. What do you say to the kind
lady now, Masjobt ?
Marjory {a practical young person, to the donor).
Now diy me a dolly to put ye socks on.
[Mrs. 'J^. finds herself obUged to repair this omissum.
A Young Lady Ba^gHer {to a YouDg Man). Do take
a ticket for this charmin' sachet. Only half-a-crown I
The Young Man. Delighted I If you 'U put in for
this splendiacigta cabinet. Two shiUin's I
[The Young Lady realises that she has encoun-
tered an Augur, and passes on.
Miss de M, {to Mr. IsTHiciAir Gatwick). Can't I
tempt you with this tea-cosy F It 's so absurdly ^eap I
Mr, Isthmian Oatwick [with dignity), A-thanks ;
I think not. Neyer take tea, don't jou know.
Miss de M, {with her eharaetertstic adaptability).
Really ? No more do /. But you could use it as a
emokmg-cap, you know, /always
[BecoUects herself, and breaks off in confusum.
Miss Ophelia Palmer (in the *' Witard^s Care*'— to Mr. Cabvxy
Rowskb). Tes, your hand indicates an intensdy reflned and spiritual
tmture ; you are perhaps a little too indifferent to your personal com-
fert where that of others is concerned; sensitiye- too much so for
|tmr own happiness, perhaps— you feel things keenly when you do
feel them. Y ou haye lofty ambitions and the artistic temperament
— seyen and sixpence, please.
Mr, C. B. {impressed). Well, Miss, if you can read all that for
seyen and six on the palm of my 'and, I wonder what jon unnddn't
see for 'alf a ouid on the sole o' my boot !
[Miss P.'s belitfin Chiromancy sustains a severe shock,
Bobbie Patterson (outside tent, as Showman), This way to the
Ifaryellous Jumping Bean from Mexico I Threepence I
Voice from Tent, BoBBisI Stopl The Bean's lost! Lady
fioNOB's horrid Thought-reading Poodle has just st^i^ed in and
swaUowed it.
Bobbie, Ladies and Gentlemen, owing to sudden domestic calamity,
the Bean has been unayoidabiy compelled to retire, and will be unable
to appear tiU further notice.
Mtes SmuUe {to Mr. Otis Baslkywateb, trAo— tn his own set-^ts
considered ^' almost equal to GoBKET Gbain JM. I thought yoU were
lying your entertainment in the library ? Why aren't youF
A POOR ADVERTISEMENT.
Tourist, **l snpposB tov Fnn. PBOin> to HAys suoh a DiffrivouisnD Mak
STATIHO IN rOVIt HOVSBf"
Host of the ** Dnmdomia^ie Arms,*' "'Dmd ho I A Body likb that dois
us maib haibm teak onin; his APPXABAircai is kab obbdit tax oob Com-
missabtat ! ** .
giying
Mr. Otis
eifn't giye my imitations
with anything *'' "^
•n a tone of injury). Why P ' Because I
Abthuk Bobbbis and Yyjm GuiLBptr
Uke the r^quidte **go," unless I get a better
audience than three programme-sellers, all under ten, and the
oloak-room maid— <Aars why I
Mrs, AUbuU-Innett {as she leaves, for the benefit of bystanders),
I must say, the house is most disappointing— not at all what I (should
expect a marquis to Hye in. Why, my own reoeption-roomB are
yeiry nearly as large, and decorated in a much more modem style I
JBoWe Patterson {to a " Doobid Good-natured Fellow, who doesn't
care what he does," and whom he has fust discovered inside a case
got up to represent an automatic su)eetmeat machine). Why, my
dear old eAai»/ No idea it was you inside that thing I Enjoying
yourself in there, eh ?
The Doosid Good-natured Fellow {fiuffUy, from the interior),
Enli^ring myself I With the beastly pennies droppin' down into
my boots, and the kids howlin' because all the confounded choco-
lates haye worked up between my shoulder-blades, and I can't shake
'em out of the slit in i^ly arm? 1 'd like to see you tryin' it Ii
The^L. O. L. {io a stranger, who is apvroachina the Princess'f^
stall). 'Ere. Mister, wbere are your manners? 'Ats off in the presence
o' Boyalty I [She pokes him in the back with her umbrella ; the
stranger tumsi smiles slightly, and passes on.
A Well-Formed Bystander. Touareeyidentiyunaware^adam,
thaj^ the gentleman you haye just addressed is His Serene Highness
the Prince of Potsdam I
The L. O. L. {of^Mst). Her 'tw^n' / And me a ]obbm' of 'im with
my umber^ I 'Ere, let me get out I [She staggers out, in dead
tertor cf being •es^i^theT&weros^ the lipot. "^ '----v^^ —
»0
PDNOH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
IFkbbitabt 23, 1895.
COMPE^SATION.
Hi. "That's Ubs. Grimsbav, who LscmtM on Bixrallibk. I 'yb hmrs hir, How ixabpssatinolt Cliyvb shi
•nut TO BBl" Shi. "YM— BUT BOW CONHOIIKQLT UoLTI"
THE LEARNED WELSH GOAT.
Dame Ap'A&q^ih hqmtnr i —
Nor the Learned Pig, ladies and rentlemen, this time. Oh dear
no ! I should think the pablio had had about enough of him for
some time to oome, and Ob, I forgot I {.Atide : He HI have to
he trotted out again presently, so I'd better shttt up, and not spoil
the market for Misther 0*Morlvt.) As I was sayinff, ladies and
gentlemen, not the Learned Irish Pig, but the LeamedWelsh Gk>at I
A goat, yon know, is a nimble creature, which, in a state of
nature, mounts pinnaoleSf^and leaps .from rock to rook, like the poor
gentleman in the CottUMbandista. This one could cumb a church
steeple, and balance itself on the weathercock— if permitted to do so.
Couldn't you, TafftI*. (Aside- I hope the blessed brute won't butt
me. He ^s been a bit restive of late.)
No, ladies and gentlemen, Esmeralda's goat was really not in it
with mine, for nimbleness and nous, much less the goat in D^wrah,
As to Robinson Crusoe's much talked of animal Here, I say,
VI , xu *T «uou. juuiu. juiur a b ojxu. jr o. out mji jg^jnAt iuia«r-
stands English quite well, as you '11 see presentlv, and, moreoyer, is
not, as Lord Kosebsrt says most other members of the Liberal
Party are, floored by words of two syllables. Tapft is equal U^five^
at least ! Most Welsh words, you know, are in about twen^. At
least, thqr look so, to non-Welshers — I mean, non- Welshmen.
(Aside : Hope they won't ask me what is the Welsh for *' Ploughing
the Sands"/) -v y
Now, you see, ladies and gentlemen, here ai^ sixteen letters,
■oattered, *'in me," as it were, forming a word of Are syllables,
which has been familiar in our mouths as ** All the Year Round "—
I mean household words— of late. (Aside : Indeed it has! And if
they knew what a bore it has become in Cabinet Councils and other
f laces where they squabble WeU, no matter!) Behold the
letters, ladies and gentlemen!
M.B.L.E.A.T.I.8.H.D.I.8.S.E.N.T
Now, Tafft, what can you make of thatf Watch him, ladies
and gentlemen I Mark his sagadty I And remember, it is all done
by kindneis I (Aside : Yes, " by Cadwamadbb and all his goats,"
U wouldn't do to try anything else with this animal, or we should all
be sprawling tn no time !)
Plbymbch y llnmwtdfly, TafftI See, he starts with **a hig,
big D/' No profftnity intended, I araupe you. This is a Nunoom-
f onmst goat, and carnea a coQaoieiioe 1 Dtl.B* Ahl that, loo^ hath
on ominous aaund, Tapp I But jou 're not tbrouR^E yet, E . 8 . T. A . B 1
How carefully, ^et how conflaently, he picks them out. No hesita-
tion, no indecision. Ah! Gallant Little Tafft knows his book!
D.I.S.E.8.T.A.B Well, and what's the next letter,
Taffy ? [Left spelling it out,
HARD TO (L. 0.) 0.
Dbas Mr. Punch,— I craye your adyioe and sjinpathy under the
following circum<)tances. I haye been of late considerahly peiplezed
as to which side 1 ought to ruprort in the forthcoming London County
Council Election. Sometimes I haye felt drawn to the banner of Pro-
gressiyism, at other times I haye yearned to embrace Moderateness,
I do not say the Moderate Programme, because there are so maoy.
In my difficulty I saw an announcement that the Daily Chronicle
was about to become an illustrated paper in the interest of the Pn>-
gressiyes. Accordingly, last Monday i eagerly bought the first copy
of the newly-pictured paper, and found a delightful feast for my
eyes in a reprmiuction of a drawing by Sir Edwabd Bctbwb-Jofim.
It was without doubt a charming piece of work, and the prinUng
was manrellously ^ood. That decided me— I threw in my lot with
the Progressiyes without more ado.
But, unfortunately, that was only the commencement of the diffi-
culty. That yery afternoon I met a hiend who happened to be a
*' Moderate'* candidate. *' I suiypose I can reckon on your assist-
ance, old fellow ?" was his greeting a^ he patted me familiariyon
the hack. I explained to him that I had determined to yote Pro-
gressiye. He asked me why. For some time I tried to think m
some reason which should appear, on the face of it, oonolusiye. It
ended in my being truthful, and playing Sir Edwabd Burne-Johis.
Then came the questions which haye been ringing in my ears em
since. ** What on earth has that delightful picture to do with the
" "^ ' aying it framed wr
lyoteProgressiyef"
question ? Why, I 'ye got it mysdf and am haying it framed for
our drawing-room. But why should it make you yote Progressiye r
And that's just it— I didjoft know, and I don't know. Please esa
anyone tell me ?
Feb. 15, 1895.
Yours, Bume-Jonesing to know,
MUOHPUBP Lblt.
Chillt NonoK.— The gentieman who had " nothinjgr on his mind "
was reduced to •* a bare idea." He has not surriyed it. Jk. »^^
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— FraROABT 23. 1895.
iMmi)
* S>H h^i
THE LEARNED WELSH GOAT.
Dm Ap-Abq-th. "NOW. TAFFY, WHAT'S THE NEXT LETTER?" dnOolc
Digitized by
Google
Februabt 23, 1895.]
PUNCH. 05 THE LONDON CHAMVARI.
93
TO MY DOCTOR IN BED.
With mnoh regret I hear it aaid ]
That yon. dear doctor, are in bed, \"]
Qmi» invglided.
For Ton the nninyiting f are—
The DrotL. the rmel, made with oare,
The milk— is needed.
I monm, yet grimly ohnckle, too.
When thinkinff that not I, bat yon,
ShotQd be a fixture ;
Not I, bnt von, mnst sadly sip,
With ntterly nnwillin|[ lip.
Some awful mixture.
Not I, but you, must now obey
What dictatorial doctors say.
So interfering I
I might perhaps be less averse
To some attractive youthful nurse.
And find her cheering.
In weather such as we have had,
Tour fate may not have been so bad ;
In bed one liogers
When blizzards bite the bluish nose.
When cold half numbs the tortured toes.
The frozen fingers.
So I x)erha|^ should envy you,
With nothing in the world to do
But, idly dozy.
And disregarding snow and storm.
To just be comfortably warm.
And snugly cosy.
To nass the time, your pulse you feel.
Ana dream of charms all ills to heal,
like some magician ;
In mirrors you may see your tongue ;
Ton cannot listen to your lung.
My poor physician.
Ton reed the Lancet, I should say.
Or books on your compUunt, all day,
Stiii-bound or limp tomes.
And when you put the volumes by.
Ton lie and sign and try and di-
-agnose your symptoms.
OUfi BOOKmO-OFFICE.
MissBS. Chatto and Wikdtjs have omitted
one thing that would have contributed to the
full success of their publication of The
Memoirs of the DiAchesee de Oontaut^ done
out of the French by Mrs. W. Davis. They
ought to have enraged the services of our
£. T. R., who would nave been quite at home
in illustrating the prehistoric peeps here
opened. The i)uchesse was gouvemanie to
those she fondly styles the * 'children of France"
daring the Restoration. Of her charges one
waa^ The Child of Miracle," bom to the
Duchesse ns Berut after the murder of her
husbuid. He was subsequently known to
French Royalists as Hknri thb Fifth, and
to the rest of the world as the Comte db
Chambord. What is amazing, in a sense
fascinatiDg, to readers at this end of the
century, is to find a state of things exist-
ing in which such a poor, common-place,
fatuous creature as Chablbs thb Tbnth
could be regarded with reverence, almost
worship, by his fellow-creatures. Madame
DB GoNTAUT, a hiffh-miuded, well-educated,
sensible woman, aunost weeps over the king
as in the days of July, 1830, he sat on the
balcony at the Palace of St. Cloud inlaying
whist, the game interrupted from time to
time by the sound of the tocsin, and the
flashing forth of fresh fires in the streets of
revolted Paris. On the 28th of July over-
tures were made from the revolutionary com-
mittee in Paris, which might, temporarily at
least, have saved the throne had the king
accepted their moderate conditions. " 1
think," he said, for all response, *'it is a
Importimaie Street Urchin {for the tenth time), " Oi' us a Coppbe, Sib 1 Gi' us a Cofpbb I *'
Teety Indimdual (toeing paHeneeu ** Oh, oo to "^sube^tutee a mOder form)—** blazis 1 "
Shret Urchin, "SUbb tbin an' I would in this bastlv could wbathbb, if I was only
CBBTADT o' OOMIN* BACK AGAIN 1 " [IndividueWs ttttiness overcome and Urchin rewarded.
great impertinence to bring me such proposi-
tions.*' Three davs later, at two o*elock in
the morning, the iaog was roused out of his
peaceful sleep, and packed off to Dieppe by
friends, anxious to save him from the fate of
Louis thb Sixtbbnth.
Thb Babon db Book-Wobms.
Seasonable Ooniuidrum.
Q. What is the difference between laying
down the Golden Rule (Do to others, &c)
and 4icting upon it Y
A. One is a truism, the other an a/truisuL
[Mr. Punch adviees the toeU^to^do readers
to work this out praetieaUy among the
poor this ineiement season.
THRIFT I
{To ** Vnsplendid Paupers, in Workhouses amd
other piacee where they wish to enjoy them-
selves " on the cheap, )
If you*d really learn and practice Thrift
(As the frozen poor have oeeded lately)
Get the great Elizabethan irift
Of (economically) being stately."
(Mr. Stbad that, dower will explain.)
Ton must have a castle to b^in with ;
Then give a Bal PoudrS, You will gain !
(Having nothing else to do your ''tin*'
wiUi.)
The true way to save is— spend your money
On a splendid pageant I Ain't it funny 1^
Sausbubt for HoDeB advised a drcr-
1 a Bal Poudri for every " Vorkuss
^lUiu^cru uv
icircus. T
94
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FramrABT 23, 1896.
FiBBUABT 23, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART.
96
A VALEDICTION TO ST. VALBITIIIL
Old frioid of the lass and the lover,]
Tliey say yoa are moribnnd now, '
Tour role— it was gentle— is over,
Beoause— it is ** vulgar " to vow,
'* No olass" to be vassal to Chipid,
** Bad form '' to go wooinsr in verse^I '
Well, Saint, your old rhymings were stupid
But new ones seem worse.
Your hearts and your darts were as healthy
As daffodils, kirks or Spring lamb.
But now we 're so wise, and so wealthy,
l^mplioity strikes us as sham ;
Your emjpire was kind, if despotio.
And blent of the smile and the tear.
But now we 're all " new " and ** neurotio,"
And slaves to the queer.
A Beardsley design, now, would shook you.
And so would a verse by YsBLAiinB.
Our Art, modem Art, would but mook you,
Out poetry rive you muoh pain.
Oh Woman, New Woman, thou olamoreBt
Loudly for right to revolt
But oh I from our latter-day Amorist
8. Y. would ftoftV,
'Tim well, good Saint Yalentine, truly.
That you have got notioe to quit.
For, faith ! you must find us unduly
Devoted to oynioal wit.
The poor dear conventional passions,
You voioed, with bird-pipings, in Spring,
Are not '* up to date." Love's new fashions
You never oould sing !
Good grsoious f Lb GALLinnni's lyrics.
And DAvn>80N'8 Lavender-Poent,
Would certainly give you hysteric*.
Song now, just like wine, mnfct ferment,
ThA dewdropi>y old dithyrambios
You loved, in our day don't tm down.
Our maidens like brisk galliambics
On which you woold frown.
Indeed ithyphalUcs— but, bless us !
Our poesy. Saint, unto you
Would DC like a new shirt of Nessus.
Our art is all yellow— or blue.
Apd so. poor old boy, 'tis a blessing
You 're off, with a tear in your eye.
Like soft hearts and simple caressing,
You 're vulgar 1 Good-bye I
Snuires OMor.— Sir Fbabk LoorwooD,
SoKoitor-General, was ** entertained," says
the Dailjf Telegraph, ^^ to dinner "—(observe.
not " entertained at dinner " ; perhaps he had
to do the entertaining, then)— ^* at the House
of Commons, his hoet, Mr. JoHir Aird"
(always a host in himself), ** being a Conser-
vative," while the other guests were either
Conservatives or Unionists. D^nibl in tiie
lions' den is the parallel that arises to every-
one's mind; but in this instance Dakisl
actually dined with the lions, and probably
felt none the worse for the ** feast of reason
and the flow of souL"
We haven't as yet seen An Artisfe Model
at Dalsr's, but as the piece seems to depend
for its ** go" mainly on the music composed
for it by Mr. Owbt Hall (to clever lyncs by
Mr. Gbudibank), it would not be unfair to
say that it is to its music it is Ownr Hall its
Ahtigipatort.— Should Henbt iBvnre, as
the acknowledged leading representative of
the Histrionic side of Dramatic Art in this
country,', receive the honour of kiughthood,
the Lyceum bill might be headed, ** Great
SueoessI First Knight I "
"'Ad akt Bbxaxfus' 's Mobvih' f
'Not A Daopl"
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTBD FROM THS DiABT 07 TOBT, M.P.
Souse of Commone^ Monday Ntaht^ Feb'
ruary 11. — The other day rumour aoout that
Tnc HsALT, weary of strife, finding how
shaiper than & serpent' » tooth is the entnity
of parted friends, had resolved to retire from
political life. That newi, if tniOi would
edip&e the gaiety of Parliimpnt, Tim's
maimer may not be precisely deseribed as
gay* It ii, in truth, somewhat saturnine;
rntb^ rajpy, occasionally \itriolic. If there
is anj instrucUon to be oon^eyed, Tim approves
the faehioa of the ancient laraelitish captain,
who '* taught the men of Sucooth with tlioms
of the wil<ierne8fl and briars," TiAi'a former
coReaKnes, now ranged under mod^t l^er-
ship of John Redmond, are, he oonscien-
tiouaiy believes, much in need of instmotian.
So to-nifht Tnc '* taught them'' with thorns
of the wilderness and briars.
A brisk debate, falling into most attraotive
sequence. This in measure accidental ; looked
like admirable stac^emanajgement. FiivtJoHK
RiDMOND, with his neat^-moulded phrases,
his assumpticii of profound stateoiaft, his
assertkm ; uiat Tones please him not, nor
Liberals. either ; his condusiQn that since
Ghyremment are on friendly terms with the
major Irish^Partv, the minor (nine strong)
win march into lobby with Pbihcx Abthuk,
whom they used to hate, and Josxph of Bir-
mingham, whom they scarcely Iotc. Next
Jomr MoBLBT, stirred to unusually profound
depths, his speech glowing above the un-
wonted fire. Then Pbikge Abthtjb, grace-
fully skating on exceedingly thin ice, inci-
dentally dropping into imagery on succesiiye
phases of the married state, which House,
ever alert for nersonal references, Ustened to
with quickened interest. A scholar's current
speech or writing is insensibly tinctured with
flayour of his latest study. Odd that just
now Pbimcb Abthtjb should displajr this
curiously minute know1c(^'*f prd appreciation
of various phases of manitd life as it is to be
studied in books of reference.
Finally, Tnr, his truculence tempered by
humour of the situation. JoHV fiiDMoin)
nrotested he had made no bargain with
Opposition in transferring to them his handful
of yotes. PBDroi Abthxjb had confirmed
disclaimer. Too much for tendar-hearted
Tnc Tears glistened in his eyes ; his ydoe
trembled ; his hand shook ; his bo^ teemed
to grow limp^ as he lamented this last degene-
ration of anaent Irish spirit.
'* I have," he said, ** bMn!in alliance witn
9«
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL JTbbboart 23. 1896,
the Tory Party before now, and may be again ; bnt I know of no
oooasion when any Irish parly gave their yotee nnless they got some-
thing for ihem."
That only Tdc's fun. Orerooming his emotion, he, witJi ruthless
force, pitiless logio, laid bare position of the new Party of the Muses.
£usine9s fifen«.— Pamell'te Amendment, supported by Unionists,
negatiyed by 256 against 236.
Tue9day,'-lS you want to make your flesh creep, you should haye
heard the Speakbb just now challenging the Lord Mayor of Dublin,
whom he diHCoyered standing at Bar ; and, as Sir Wilfbid Lawson
adds, *' not drinking." Lord Mayor got up in gorgeous apparel ;
scarlet gown, ermine-tipped, with gold chain gleaming across nUmly
chest Becalls days of yesteryear when Dawson was Lord Mayor c$
Dublin. Being also Member for an Irish constituency, no ^^to^atio
Spbaiob might challenge his ri^ht
to cross the Bar, whetiEer in myi-
lian dress, or in robes of office.
On occasions when he had a peti-
tion to ddiyer he came down,
ckMked, in a four-wheeler. Made
the heart of Mr. Coys in Members*
cloak-room stand still, when be
suddenly threw back his wraps,
and disclosed glittering garb be-
neath. Sat on front Ixmcn bebw
ganifway with inadequate legs
partially crossed, his chain myste-
riously clanking, motion understood
at tune to serye double purpose of
calling attention to Lord Mayor^s
presence, and of hinting at th<f
kind of bond that held Ireland to
Great Britain.
Present L^ Mayor of Dublin,
not being a Member, had to sue for
admission at door of House. Word
passed to Sergeant-at-Arms ; gal-
lant officer, haying heard some-
thing of Irish habits, obseryed
precaution of shouldering mace
before he went out to confront the
strangers. If they had shillelaghs,
the mace, twirled about by lusty
arms, might be reckoned on to keep
the gate. The messengers not behind in military ureoaution ;
hauled out the bar— the yeritable Bar of House of Gommoim'ot
which we hear so much and fee eo bttle.
** Now,'* said the oldest Messenger, folding his arms and dench-
ing his teeth, ** let them do their worst"
Sergeant-at-Arms marched in, mace on shoulder, esoorting Lord
Mayor and two sheriffs. If they had meant mischief they thought
better of it on looking rtund. Lord Mayor might, it is true, if he
were in good condition haye yaulted oyer bar or decked bflBaa^< it
L.4bhy'» Sbure.
temporarily oyercome by sendMgaP<0UMfneit4uidnies<ieiirers bawline
alonsr all the passages, '* Division ! 'division ! '* This all very weu
for the moment ; but what is to be done about l^e bell* P
Albbbt Bolut, steeped in parliamentary usages, says, \* If the
bells won't obey the Spbajob^s ord^« send tjiem to uie Cbok
Tower." "
Stvabt promptly places at disposal of Spe^ br a squadron of Star
boys, to run about premises on giyen signal and proclaim divinon.
'* They 'd do it much better than the policemen ana messengers," he
says.
True ; but as Colonel Leooe apprehends, they would be certain in
excitement of moment; instead oi calling out " Division," to lapse
into more familiar cry, ** Heztra SpeshuT! " That would neyer do.
Simplest plan is to stop this intemdnable talk nnind the Address and
get to work. When tne electric bells shut up in sheer disgust at
waste of time, gtown-np men of
business may be expected to reoon-
fiidfr the po^ltion.
Business done, — Tin Harbino-
TON talked for two hours and five
minute about ancient history of
Maamtrasna.
Friday, — Much murmuring be-
bw Gangway, iost now because to
programme of Session already
oyerloaded Goyernment decline to
add Bill prnyiding for payment of
Members. SiOE of Q.T7EEN Anne's
Gate been obsemd to regard this
topic with smiling equanimity.
ScNoret of his content now dis-
closed. Papers report how Spanish
merchant, resident in Barcelona,
haying studied Sage's public Par-
liamentary career, be^cs leaye, as
trifling indication of his esteem and
admiration, to be permitted to pay
Saob*8 election ezpenses ip^enever
ineurred.
**'Tis a pretty yariation on
Spanish devotional habit," ssys
Plunket, whohas followed BoR-
Bow's footsteps in Spain. ** More
etspteiaiiv in niral districts, pious
men approach the shrine of fiivounte saint and hanj^ upon it an
, offering, peradyenture poor in intrinftio value, but rich in proportion
to their reyenues. Expect h^- and- by the Sage will becanoLised,
and straying by the banks of the Quadalcjiiivir, you shall here and
there come upon bhrines to f^tdut Labi^t, n oh with votive offermgF."
** That may be so," said Goust. " You Ve always reedy to take
the poetic view of a thing. But I 'd like to wait and see the cobur
of the money. You know the Sage has lonr b^en firing away at
tntAprising traders in Spun who. usually dating their missives
and run amuck up floor. . But then the shmffs. before they could irom a State prison, offer for a slight oaa^detaAvm to disclose
haye imitated him, would have been awfully mauled with the mace.
Any piratical intention that mav have lurked in. minds of the
insurgents was finally crashed by reaUy awful tone in which the
Speakek, fixing glittering eye on group at bar, said, ** My Lord
Mayor of Dublin, what have you there f '^
Members eipected trembling culprit would produce from undethis
doak the horse-pistol^ dagger, cup of poison, or whateyer h^ may
haye brought with him with felonious intent. But he m^kly
answered, **A petition.'* This he. unfolded, and as he showed a
disposition to read it through, Members went off. '
Business done, — ^Another day passed talking round Address.
Naoboji moyed Amendment raising question of financial relationt^
between England and India. Read a paper of prodigious length;
beat the tom-tom for nearly an hour. ^* In churches," said the
(almost^ Reyerend Jehmt Lowthxb, **an incumbent sometimes
reads himself in. Naoboji reads his congregation out Mayn't be
quite so black a^ the Mabkiss painted him, but he's quite 19 lon^-
windcd as could have been exi>eoted." 1
Thursday,— New Session not quite a fortnight old, and lo! pi
strange thing has happened. Electric bells struck— I mean they won't
stiike. When, iust now. House cleared f<»r division on Amnesty^
motion electric knobs touched as usual. Thereupon should haye
followed tintinnabulation of the bells in dl the rooms and corridors
outside the Chamber. Only little tinkle heard ; sort of weiid moil-
ing laugh, ** Ha ! ha I " and then silence. !^
Consequences might haye been serious. Last thing weU-train^
Member regards as absolute preliminary to yotmg is to. sit throughout
the debate. Scattered far and wide, m library, tea-room, dining-
room, or smoking-room, when they hear the bell they rush !a1;o
yote. If they don't hear it they stop Where they are. Diffl(Jillty
fabulous stor«»s'fif hidden wealth. The Sage has spoiled their little
gsme. Should like to be quite sure they 'ye not bruken out in a new
place, and are trying it on first with the Saoe."
Bttsiness <2ons.~oet-to between the Birmingham Cock and the
Vorl^shire-cum-Fifeslure Bantam. Odds at first in favour of the
v^teraA. A^OBitted on both sides the young 'un beat him hollow.
ftUIET EUBBERfi.
Off to Olympia— peatest show on earth— with wife ; also with
Bob and Aw wife. Find the two ladies wearing goloshes—'* rubbers "
they caU them— say **the3r*ye just read in the paper that they are
universal in America in winter." Annoyed. Never knew my wife's
feet were, as larse as they seem now. Bob defends goloshes-
hypocrite ! Says ^* nothing wets feet like snow, and at any moment
we may be in for the greatest snow on earth." Stiipid joke con-
sidering that a good boot will keep out anything.r Why shouldn't
the ladies leave tht^ir rubbers outside show, in cloak-room— a<« peome
do in mosques in the East? Would be quite in keeping with the
*'Onentr T.fiJieH fay tb^^y'll be lost- a g^^od job if they were
Getting quite eittlky, whf^n Bon sufgeats diniieT. GiM)d dinner!
Ejtoellen t wi n es ! Wife' s feet don' t look as larfre auw» Why doesn^t
e very b dy » ear (flofrhes? Old Gret ks must have worn *em— dent
we rtaJ of the **Goloshu» of Rhode« ? " Old Eumniis, too, or why
"did they call their Ol^mjiia the Qol'-sheum ? Bob myn they didn t
1 say ihey did! DiHturbauee, Wonder who's makinip it? Turn
'em t>iit ! T)iey V© turning rtw out 1 Won*t go — ^etjd for Kjbalfj
■' - - ' ' r> Qhhif.-ufmustwesi
— GoxosHT KiBALFT— there *s the word again I
rubbcirs. Pimple trying to psdiy m$!
Back home.
jievergodTi__
Put 'em on sow !— To bed in rubbers.
Wife cry ing. What for P "^ys^ei^I imrergo^out in ru bbers again!
Tes, ihe shall. So will L ' *«...-.--
Maboh 2, 1896.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVAKT.
97
J ^ •>
"ANIMAL SPIRITS/'
No. v.— Golf, "The Old Sootoh Tkebibrs."
TALL TALES OF SPOET AND ADVENTUEE.
{By Mr. Pwuih?9 oum Short Story'tdUr,)
L— THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS, (continubd prom paob 81.)
Ih these awful oironmptanoeB, with the night air whistling past me,
and with my^ beloved Chttddah and her nnrse hurtling upwards
beiide me, it is scaroely necessary for me to say that I never for an
intitant lost my coolness and mv perfect self-possession. That the
situation was dangerous, nay, almost desperate, I fully realised, but
it is in these very situations that true oourage and resourcefulness
are alwavs of the highest value. Again and again in the course of
my long life have I plucked safety, aye, and that which is higher and
better than all safety, namelv, reputation, from the nettle danger.
L^t fools prate as they will; the brave man must always rise
triumphant above the stormy waves cf envy and detraction.
These thoughts, I admit, aid not occur to me at the moment. Our
flight was too perilous and too swift to allow me to think of aught
save what concerned the immediate necessities of this truly fearful
criaiB. Poor little Chuddah, I observed, being made A lighter
material, was gradually outstripping me in this dreadful ana in-
vohintary race. First her head topped me; then her shoulders soared
beyond me; at last her feet were on a level with my face. As one of
them (I foigct which) pMsed upwards, I was Just able by leaning
sli|[htiy forward, to imprint a kiss upon it. ** Farewell, CmmDAH,''
I sighed, as the lovely foot left my lips. ** Farewell, Orlahdo,"
she murmured all but inaudibly, and fled up, up, up into the dismal
night. I never saw her again.
The Ayah, however, a stout and heavy woman, was still beside
me. rising inch for inch as I rose. By turning slightly round I could
look at her. I did so. Judge of my horror when I realised by the
faint Uffht of the stars that the Ayah was no longer alive ! The
shock oi the sudden ascent must have proved too much for one
accustomed to the sedate and comfortable fife of an eastern palace,
and enfeebled, moreover, by advancing age. The explosion acting on
such a constitution had snapped the cords that kept kf e in her faithful
body. The Ayah was dead, and I who tell this tale was alone with a
corpse in the encircling atmosphere I As I realised this horrible
situation, I confess that for the first and last time in my life I turned
faint with a feeling almost amounting to fear. In ima|:ination I
saw myself speeding for ever, as the sDons revolved in their courses,
with only a dead Indian nurse to keep me oompany. Then,
by an instantaneous revulsion, the grim humour of the situation
stmok me. With only my knapsack of provisions and my brandy-
flask, it was nnbkely, even under the most favourable droum-
stanoes, that I should be able to prolong life for more than a
week. At the end of a week, then, I too should be a corpse. I
laughed aloud as I thought oi the last scion of the Wilbbahamb,
the unconquerable Orlando, mated in mid-air to the dusky Ayah,
a skeleton to a skeleton, and my sepulchral *' Ha, ha," went rever-
berating through the dim spaces of ni^ht. The sound roused me
once more. Wny, after all, should I die ? Life was sweet ; much
remained to be dene ; there were wrongs still to be redressed in the
world below ; millions of the oppressed still waited for a deliverer ;
countless herds of big game stm roamed the prairies or made their
lairs in the forests of earth. No^ I would live if I could, and prove
once more the unquenchable fortitude of my race.
At this moment I looked down.
{To be emtmued,)
BAENONE!
Monday.—I^Qm that the Law lectures at the different Inns have
been ** thrown open to the pubUc,** any outrage in the way of cring-
ing to the democracy may M expected. They 4l be opening lincohrs
Inn Fields next to the mob !
7W«<iay.-- They have! And a steam merry-go-round set up
within thirty yards of my formerly tranquil Chambers I Oh, why
was I ever oilledF
fTiNlnMcby.— Dinner in Hall to-day. Found two perfect strangers
dining at my table! Seems that the Benchers have thrown open
dining-hall to the public as well ! Asked strangers if they intended
beinr called to the Bar F One of them replied (with a wink) that he
didn t— why should he P He oould get aU the legal training, use of
library, &c., without going to expense of a call.
Thurtday.—ln Court Unknown Couiuel opposed to me. Seem to
recognise his face. Can\i be the stranger who dined in Hall last
night P It is. New rule has thrown the Courts open to amateur
pleaders ! What are we coming to ? Must say stranger pleads un-
commonly welL And Judge «o deferential to him !
jPVuiay.— Wonders never cease. To-day my stranger of yesterday
found seated on Bench ! Judge ill— has appointed mm as Commis-
sioner in his place. New rule allows this sort of thinff . What is the
reason of this sudden democratising of the Profession P
iS^i^rd^iy.— Mystery explained. One of the B«^nohers wants to be
made a L. C. C. Alderman ! In his Bleotion Address he even stoops
so far as to give way to the vulgar delusion that Law is ezpenbive,
and recommends a rule that co^ts should always be '* on the lower
MMde." Perhaps he is right Everything on the lowest possible
scale at Bar nowadays I ^lyiu^ou uy -«w_ji ^^^ ^"^ rS *^^
TOL, CTIJI,
March 2, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
09
Oh dxas no t MssuiT thb
A LION IN THE PATH?
*FlBMT OFES DAT" AITIK A LONG FROST, AND A TOM-TIT HA9 BIHN INOONSIDBRATN XNOVOU TO
FLT 8UDD1NLT OUT OV THK FXNOK ON THK WAT TO GOYBBT 1
KE-GILDING THE GOLDEN EAGLE.
PThe amount 8abforib«d in Englind for the United Statei Loan waa
£120,000,000, or twenty timea the aum reierred for London."— i>iN^Pap#r.]
" Why, I was a thinking, 8ir,'» returned Maml Tapmy. " that if I was
a painter, and waa called upon to paint the American Eagle, how should I
do it P "
" Paint it as like an Eagle as you could, I suppose."
'* No," said Mark. '* That wouldn't do for me. Sir. I should want to
draw it like a Bat, for its short-eightedneas j like a Bantam, for its bragging ;
like a Magpie, for iU honesty; like a Peacock, for its yanity; like an
Ostrich, for its putting its head in the sand, and thinking nobody
sees it ■"
" And like a Phomix, for its power of springing from the ashes of its
faults and vices, and soaring up anew into the sky ! " said Ma&tik.
Martin Chuuliwit.
Bbothsr Jonathan loquitur. —
Hx was pnjadiosd, that Mark^ a Euiopian, in the dark,
Gonoermn' of oar Olorioaa InstitationB.
H$ paint our Bird o' Freedom ? Lots have tried, but we don't
heed 'em ;
And revolvin' years bring onms retributions.
We don't oare a orass farden I Dickkns had to beg our pardon,
And ^t Max O'Rbll will eat his words one day, Sir I
The real Yankee Eagle is as strong-wioged as a Sea-gnU,
With a beak as sharp as any Sheffield razor.
Still, he's been a trifle pippy, and has looked a little ohippy—
By the mighty Mississippi yes, Sir I— lately.
Kinder monlty as to feathers, as though blizzards and bad weathers
Of eyery blamed bi|; sort had tried him greatly.
€h)od Jee-rosnlmn I No wonder ! for great siuUlos andbntteredthnnder I
Onr blasts haye been fair busters for his pinions.
In the words of Mister ChoUop, all creation he can wallop,—
But tomaders Aare been sweepin' his dominions I
As to that Mark TapUp*$ twaddle, why the Peaoook ain't the model,
Nor the Bantam, nor the Ostrich, I'd be pickin'
For the finest fowl in Xatur. Better dub hun Alligator,
A Whangdoodle, or a Cinoinnatti Chicken I
Like the Phoenix he's immortal, and he soars to the Sun's portal,
But— the Phoenix has sick spells, like lesser poultry.
Wants fresh fixing un, I reckon, then the dawn once more he '11 beckt in,
And sprint—from Memnon's statue to Fort Moultrie.
Bull ain't an Eagle builder, but he makes a bully gilder,
And I reckon, guess, and calculate I '11 jest try Mm.
If I git from the old fellow a ffood ooat oi British Yellow—
A sort o' paint J. B. keeps always by him—
My Bird o' Freedom soaring, where the blizzards are a roaring,
And the oloud-bursto are out-pouring, will Jest flicker
Real roUicking and regal^ like a g«nu-ine Golden Eagle.—
WaU^you *ve Hxea Asm real smart, Johv! Let U9 liquor!
TRANCEMOGKIFICATION.
Now that hypnotism ii in the air, our oonyersation-books will haro
to be remodelled, as thus :—
Good morning, haye you hibernated well P
Yes, I haye had a most successful trance this winter. Haye you
laidupatallP
Only for a few days at Christmas, just to escape the bills. I hu
a delightfully unconsduus Boxing Day.
Well, you take my adyice old man, and rent a ^yato catacomb on
the three-years' system. It comes much cheaper in the end, and y< u
saye all your coal and gas, to say nothing of clothes.
We 'ye started a Niryana Club in our neighbourhood on the tontine
principle. Hie last person who wakes gets the prize, unless the fi i>t
who comes to makes off with it.
It is capital, anyway, when you are taking a tour. Sayes all lie
trouble of sight- seeing. You are just packed up and forwarded fnitu
place to place, with an automatic Kodak which records eyerythin^
you yisited. Try it !
Will, some day. By Joye, I must be off I I 'ye got to attend an ■
ansBsthetic concert, absolutely painless. I
And I 'ye got a mesmeric cQimer-party on to-night. All the boros <
will be put in glass-cases, and fed meohanioally. pi
Goodbye, then. Sleep weUI ^yu^c^cfuy ^_.^^^..V^
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Maboh 2, 1895.
<_a/
MEN OF THE HOUR.
THE TURNOOCK.
Thifl flmm«<iit individaal, born in the early forties, oomei of a namerous
family, and waa origrioally deatined by hia parenta for the career of a night-
watohman. Not feeling, howerer, any Tocation in this direction, he tried
many other professions, and many other professions tried him. At last,
in the year 18^, he entered the serrice of tne Twiddlesex Water Company,
where, by strict attention to the quality of his liquor, and his unfailing
perception of the right time to be sober, he has risen to his present
conspicuous and responsible position.
OP THE AET OF TOBOGGANING.
and
Canton des Orisom^ Feb, 10.
Foft the ndghbourhood it is a sultry day ; glass up to 5° Fahrenheit
.^d a taint of sdrooco, or /ohn. as the faoetioas natiye otdls this
wind. Mv toboggan lies idle t>r stress of drifting snow. '*No
ohance," I say, '^of doing a reoord this afternoon I '' This is what I
say openly and pompously to my fellows. Witii my own dear heart
I oommune otherwise, saving how heayen should be i^raiaed for this
one blessed day's recess nrom broken scalp.
If I have asked myself once (as isproper with an enigma) I have
asked nryself a thousand times, ** Why did I come outnere, to this
resort of invalids and polar athletes P '' My right lung is flawless :
my left is very perfect. On the other hand I do not show well on
ioe ; m? legs are ill-shaped for bandy ; curling I find to be but poor
sport alter skittles ; and I have met one wayfarer only, and that a
fool, who did not laugh upon my fi^re-skating.
In a climate where one muart either do or suffer something to
juftify one*8 existence, there remained this sole thing— to toboggan.
I said, *' I will surely toboggan I "
'* Good I " they said ; ** but on an instrument of what sort P 'Swiss '
for women and children ; ordinary ' Americas' for men ; * Skeleton
Americas ' for heroes."
*' I will choose the last," I said; for if I do anything at all I like
to do it passing well, and with the best of tools.
There was no lack of wiUing teachers to illustrate for me the true
posture — venire a terre^ and to show me how I should go armed as to
my Alpine boots with spiked rakes screwed to the forefront of my
sole for the better ne^tiation of sharp angles on the side of a ravine.
One may add that if a pine-tree, or a telegraph poet, or an asoend-
iug hay-sleigh opposes your career, you leam by the simple inter-
position of your head to save the delicate machinery of the toboggan
from brutalization. It may be that by inadvertence you have at-
tained an impetus so terrific that you overtake a walking horse in
possession of the path. Once again your headpiece will protect the
instrument from the fiery chder of the beast's hind hoof. After
some two miles of fortuitous deooent. diversified by such cheokafas
I have here shadowed forth, you will be roundincr the final comer
at a pointed angle of 45°, traveUing perhaps several miles per hour,
when a Uife bear-cart with an upward tendency will dispute the road.
Then the basked snow shall be your nail, and your reguieeeai shall
be rendered by the local teamster in (terman of a bastard order.
Nor is this all. To the beetling edge of the desoent you will^first
have been conveyed by an impetuous twei-spSnner^ thoughtlessly gay
with bells and feathers. Twenty-five candidates having uiged
their claims for the five seats, some will have need to be content
to trail behind on their toboggans. As one wanting in experience,
you ¥rill have the last place assigned to you, or else the last out one,
with a casual riderless machine at the taQ-^id to give you an unholy
spasm as it swings off the track round the comers. At intervals,
while your pensive mind is absorbed upon the maintenance of a happy
equilibrium, rendered strangely-diffioult by the ruthless speed en
the sleigh, some two or perhape three of the tailins'-party will fall
off in front. The sharp contact of several raked Doots with your
open countenance draws your attention to the altered condition of
things. Over the mangled bodies of friend and foe you are carried
forward. The sleigh is tardily arrested, and your innocent head
becomes the recipient of fearless abuse.
Or again, from some mountain-hut upon the route issues forth a
gMss and even elephantine dog, bom of unhallowed union between a
wolf-hound and an evilly-brod St. Bemard. Foiled in his attack
upon the head of the caravan he revenges himself upon the out-
Stretched leg of the hindmost The lacerated calf will be your own.
This is well enough in open daylight, and when you are swathed in
buskins from heel to hip, and your rakes are good for retaliation.
But in doubtful moonlight with the air at 15° below zero, as you
toboggan back to your hostelry in the valley from a fancy dress ball,
where you have simulated Hamlet in black silk tighte and pumps,
the humour lies purely on the side of the do(c.
But apart from the lower animal nature, in this barbaric sport you
are never confident of your dearest friends. Thus, we had been a
pleasant and hilarious party at the international hal masint^ : the
ardour of the stinrup-oup was still upon us as we attained the brow
of the decUne. By a happy inspiration I had propo^ that my
friend Mr. Stabk Muirso, oeing a heavy-weight ana disguised as a
VbUunga Saaa^ should proceed in the van to clear any incidental
drift or desultory avaluiche. He disappeared headlong down the
pine-forest track Tollowed by the Ace of Clubs, a Sardinian Brigand,
and a Tonsured Benedictine. All the costumes gained in pioturesque-
ness from the Arctic background.
The New Woman of the party, attired as Good dueen Bb88, begged
me to precede her, arguing that I should go faster on my Skekton
than she on her Swiss. I enga^^ to do so on the understandine that
she should allow me seven minutes' start in case of eventualities,
the course being usually done in some 5} minutes under happy con-
ditions. She was to be succeeded by Antigone, the Spint of the
Kngadine and the Mother of the Oraochi.
Ido not matly care to linger over the details of my desoent. I
had started gaily humming uioee Elizabethan lines, '* Fain would I
climb, but that 1 fear to fall,"— out of pure gallantry to Good Queen
Bk88 who had given me a dainty little ow-bell as a favour at the
CffUlion ; and ihad been travelung cautiously for 8} minutes, with
my nose, no fewer than six fingers, and idl the toei on each foot
frostbitten, and a half-moon piece already gone out of my calf at the
spot where it had attracted the notice of the St. Bemard wolf-hound,
when, even as I was navigating a rotten bridge at a sharp turn, I
heard a rushing sound out of the night behind me, and ^^Aehtung ! "
(the terrible waming-note of the tobogganer) rang in my stricken ear.
I had barely time to throw a baiokward glance of horror and
deprecation, when the projecting feet of Crood dueen Bbss, her
toboggan and her spiked steering-pegs were upon me.
The bridge had never been strong in point of bulwarks; the
torrent which it spans is rapid and fed from icy heighte ; ite banks
do not lend themselves to debarkation.
When I recovered consciousness by foroe of exquisitely painful
restoratives applied by the Vohunga Saga^ the Mother of the
Gracchi and Good dueen Bbss (herself unscratohed, though the
plush of her toboggan was tarnished with my gore), 1 was solemnly
intoning, '* World without end : Aehtung ! '' with all the conviction
of a oawedral tenor. I am going home the day after to-morrow.
SuGGKsnoK.—A certain resteurant not a hundred mfles away from
the St. Jamfs*s Theatre advertises, among other attractions, *' Diner
Sahn Oobeiin^ 1$, 6d,*^ But wouldn't it be mpn appropriate to
speU the kst word "Gk>bbling"P ^^*^^^ '*^J-^«^^^*'
Maboh 2, J895.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARL
TH£ ECUADOR BONDHOLDER'S
80NC.
r" After iti reeent behftTiour, Ecua-
dor cannot be said to hare any credit
worth talking abeut.'*— T^mm* CiUi
ArtieU, F$knmfy 19.]
EcuADOB, eantento P
Eouadorl Eeoadorl
Yoa haT6 all onr money spent 0,
Who will lend yon more P
No o ne here on British shore
Will lend yon more, Eenador I
Eonador!
PhOM H. W. L.'8 SUMMAIIT OP
THB Debate lart Thitrsdat in
iemDaHsT Newb.'-''}Lt, Ba&low
approyed the aotUmof the Gbyem-
ment in exemi^tinff ooarser yams
fromdntiet." This is not exactly
what might haye been expected
from Mr. Baslow, hnt no donbt
Masters Sandfojeld and Mebiok
in the Strangers' Gallery were
mightily delighted at the pros-
pect of " coarser yams"— (which
18 only another name for men*s
stories after dinner when the
ladies have left the room)— being
''exempted from duties." Beally
onr old friend, the preoeptor c^
Saitdfobd and Mbbtof, has de-
teriorated, and Mr, Punch is
severely against him on this point. |
Leader,
FEDERATION FOR THE bNOW-SWEEPERS.
" Now, don't TOBocr, the Union kate of pay is Fovspenob a Dookwat.
Chap workin* tok less is a bloomin' ' Blaoxleo * t "
Ant
THE BOOT-BILLS OP NAECI88U8.
An iRBBLEyANT BlOOKAPHT.
(Serosa colUded hy Mshard Medallvm.)
SCRAP I.— HoBTicuLTUBE. (Boot-trecB.)
*' Ah I old men*8 boots don*t go
there. Sir," said the boot-maktr to
me one day, rather pointedly, point-
ing to the toes of the boots I had
brought him for mending. As I
danced home, writing another
chronicle with eyery springing
step, the remark filled me with
reflection— such reflection, reader,
as yonr minor shows you when
yon ffaze in it to ngoice in yonr
own beauty.
Haye you kept a diary for thirty
Tears P Dear me I And haye you
kept your gas bills, your water-
rates, your Christmas-cards, your
writs, your circulars of summer
sales P I might never haTC under*
taken to write this biography if I
had not chanced one eTcning^
bein^ unoccupied— to break open
a priTate desk bebnging to my
friend Nabcissus, and tearing
open an envelope (sealed, and
labelled '* Compromuing Pott-
card*— to he opened he fere mu
death^**) came across these old
boot- bills, and been struck by the
manner in which there lay re-
Tealed in them the story <n the
^ears oTer which they ran. . . .
'* All done by kindness I " lisped the little chap.
Afl we made an attempt to enter the dining-room,
what f^hould faU on our heads bat a great wet
fipons'e, backed by a ring of laughter from the
hidden prompter, and Oeobge appeared, shouting
** Bo ! " followed by the loving wife, who helloed
to make the fon possible. What a time we had I
From the moment we arrived (and fell over a
^striog' adroitlv arranged by the dear little children
AcroBs the little hall) to the moment that we had
ff«t into our ^^^^.^
ie-pie
Published at the Bodily Head. A
body and precious bttle head.
Happy ^ Hofppy Rome .'" In the hall
of four, standing on his head, balancing
SCRAP II.— The Happy Home.
The first night we went to see
Oegi^ge DoNEETSTiB WO heard in
the kitchen a curious voice— su^-
Sestive somehow of vine-leaves in
ie hair— singing *' Otir« ie a
In the hall we saw none but a wee boy
a bUliard-oue on his chin.
little a]
beds,
fun, frolic,
merrinifebt, aridj domestic joy.
Jufit &ij we weie ffiUiEg asleep,
tired out with a happy evening,
we were disturbed oy a chorus,
as of waiiB^ ringing outside our y
room these beautiful word»—
" 1 Flo, what a change jou know !
When he left the rillaf e he was shy,
But since he come into a little bit
of splosh
His golden hair is hanging down
his back!"
This was more of Geoboe's loving ingenuity. But we wished he
had made it rhjrme. His wife had helx>ed him, but she would not
take the credit. *' That was Gsobge*s idea," laughed along her lii>s.
1 threatened '* to make copy " of him, and now I have done it.
Moreover, I shall forther presume on his forbearance by writing no
more about him for the present.
All the Dipfebencr. — In the proi^ramme of the Ballad Concerts
given in the l\me%y Mr. Ben Da vies was advertised to sing Sulli-
van's *' Come, 0>m«, Margherita,'' Now the titie of this song is its
refrain, t.e., *'Come, Mabohehita, come I" which is evidentiy a
lover's passionate invitation, while iif it is written as *' Come, Come,
Margherita,** it is clearly only an expostulation of a rather common-
place character utt«red to Mabghebita, who has been exasperatingly
petulant, and who won't come when uaked. For many many years
it was the fashion (as it still is with the Teteran tenor) for '* Maud "
to he invited to ** come into the garden," just as the fiy used to be
requested by the spider to '* walk into ms parlour." Now it is
Mabghxbita who is having her turn (in the garden) with Ben Davhs.
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Maboh 2, 1896.
THE SPORTING INSTINCT.
< Comb along, Bobbib 1 Don't lag bbhind t "
** Wait a mNirnE, Mothxb. Thbbb abb two Soldibbs goiko to mbbt. I just want
TO SBB THB BaTTLB 1 "
'' WHITTINGTON EEDIVIVU8 ; "
Oe, Thb Bubdbn ov THB Bbllb.
The new Progreeeive Dick WhiUifigUm, vxmld-he
Lord Mayor of Londtm^ siUetk an Satur-
day, March 2, 1895, and nuditaUth on the
fTobahle meaning <^ the L. Q. C, Election
BelU:^
Hear the loud Bleotion bella —
Noiflvbellsl
What a world of wondennent their olatter-
olaah oompels I
How they jangle, jangle, jangle.
On the air (2 coming night I
Like oommittee-men a- wrangle.
And m^ thoughts are in a tangle
Of mixed doldmms and delight.
How they chime, chime, chime I
In my head there mm a rhjrme,
And I with I were bat certain what their
shindying foretells,
What a future I may gather from the voices
of the bells—
The jangling and the wrangliog of the
Now they sound like wedding bells,
Golden bells!
Meaning mischief in their music to the
Moderates and the swells I
Their Yibrations there 's a vox in
Which to me sounds like a tocsin.
From their molten golden notes,
All in tune,
What a jkleasant sound there floats
like a piomise of Prqgreeaiye Party Yotes,
Blessed booni
Oh. from Bow to Sadler's Wells,
What a gush of Unity yoluminously swells.
How it swells I
How it dwells
On the Future ! how it tells
Of the Progress that impels
To the swinging and the ringing
Of thebells, bells, bells.
From the Brixtons, Claphams, Southwarks,
Islingtons and Glerkenwells,
To tiie rhyming and the <*bin*ing of those
bellsl
Hear the Rate- Alarum bells—
Brazen bells I —
What base tarradiddles their loud turbulency
tellsl
In men's startled ears in spite.
How tliej scream out their afirightj
Too much horrified to speak
They can only shriek, shriek.
Through the fog.
In a clamorous appealing to the Toten to
retire
That much ProgressLTC Party, which— much
like the Bates, or fire--
Climbeth higher, higher, higher,
Witii a despNBrate desire.
And a bullying endeaTOur
Now— now to sit, or never
In the seat of Gog-Magog I
Oh, those bells, bells, bells.
What a tale their terror tells
Of despair I
AVliat reactionary roar I
What a horror they outpour
On the bosom of the City and Mayf air.
Yet.the ear^it fully xnows
By their twanging
And their clanging
How the voting ebbs and flows.
Yet the ear distinctly tells
Inthejanglingand the wrangling
How Monopoly sinks or swella
By the sinking or the swelling in the clangour
of those bells—
Beastlj bells!—
Their is Landlordism, Ground -rents, Dlity
Blums, and Drinking Hells
In the damour of thobc norrid Moderate
bells!
Hear the rolling of the bells, —
Polling bells I
What a world of solemn thought their monoiy
compels.
So Dick Whittiwoton— poor wight I—
Heard them ringing, with delight
At the fair prophetic promise of their tone !
For every sound mat floats
May I too hope my votes
Will have grown P
And the People— ah, the People ! —
Is their verdict, from each steeple.
All mine own P
Dites that tolling, tolling, tolling,
Mean ** Return again my Dick I "
Or do they as they to rolling
Mean * * turn out" or " out your stick ! " P
Shall /be ''Lord Mayor of London" P
Or are we Progressives undone
AtthePollsP
Pussy, what is it that tolls
From each belfry, as it rolls,
RoQsP
A psBsn from the bells
To the Party of the Swells P
Or a messa^ from the bells
That Reaction howls and yeUs P
Does that tintinnabulation
Mean false Job's '' Tenification "
Or our own '* Unification " P
Sounds dear *' Betterment " this time
In the rolling Runic rhyme
OftiiebellsP
Does their throbbing mean that jobbing.
And the London Luidlord's robbing.
Find their finish in these belli r
That Monopoly is sobbing '^(f)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Mabch 2, 1895.
' -il// cz
" WHITTINGTON KEDIVIVUS."
The Nbw PEOGKEsaiTE Dicjc W. "WHAT ARE THE BELLS SAYING, PUSSY P * TUItN AGAIN, WHITTINGTON,
LORD MAYOR OF LONDON,'— OR IS IT 'TURN OUT'?''
— *
Digitized by
Google
Maboh 2, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL
105
To f Le rabbiiig of tbose bdlB P
That fhdr ItnelK knells, kselli,
Einff out in Ronio rhym« P
Does the idling of those bellii(
Meen that Jtnm out this tune P
Can thejr possibly mean ihat^
Faithful, purring, Pussv-Oat,
After all your sweet mol-rowin|[ P
Sounds the yerdiet '* Dick is gomg "
In the toUing of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
bells,
In the moaning and the groaning of the bells?
OUR BOOKINQ.OPHCE.
Msa. BoNKSH has done well to write a
record of the life and work of her father,
ChAJILBS B&ADLIUOH, whioh FiSHKR UrwiK
publishes in two Tolumes. If it had been
one 'twould have been better. Mrs. Bonkbr
has been assisted in her labours by Mr, J. M.
RoBEBTSOir, who deals with Mr. Bhadia^gh's
politi<Md dootiine and work, and describee in
detail his jNurliamentary struggle. The con-
sequence IS that the record runs into two
closely-printed yolumes, a proportion that
somewhat orerweights the interest of the
subject. Mrs. Bomrsn is, naturally, indig-
nant at the treatment her father received in
the early davs of his parliamentary life and
in other puolic relations. But Mr. Brad-
LAUGH was a ^hting man. He gave hard
knocks and, to do him justice, did not unduly
complain when knocks were dealt back to
him. It is a pathetic storjr how the crowniDg
triumph of his life came in the hour of bin
death. He never knew that the House of
Commons had unanimously agreed to the
motion whioh ezpun|^ mm its journals
the resolution excluding the junior member
for Ncnrthampton from it s membership. That
conlession, my Baronite says, was the com-
pletest justification of the action on Mr.
Brablauoh's part that enlivened the Par-
liament of 1880-5 and was the immediate
cause of the birth of the Fourth Party.
Mr. John DAvn)80N*s £arl Lavender is
" pemiciousnousense,"andtheAubrdy-Beards-
ley frontispiece— if, considering its subject, it
can, with absolute correctness, be described
a$ a "/rofidspiece,"— might, af«w years ago,
have (mdangOTcd its existence. But *' I sup-
pose," quoth the Baron, **I am becoming old-
fashioned, and 'we have changed all that
now.* But in view of this extraordinary illus-
tration, is it a book that can be left out ' pro-
miscuously-like' on ike drawing-room table P
I trow not," quoth the Baron. ** And as to
The Great Ood Pan ('Key-note' series),
well— -infernally or diabolically clever it
may be. but| were I informed," quoth the
Baron, that we should never look upon its
like again, I, for one, could not fprieve."
Another Keynoteworthy book, i,e. ,one quite
worUiy to belong to such of the Key-note series
as the Baron has read, is The Dancing Faun,
Had a novel appeared some years ago in the
palmy, but not less leggy, days of the drama
at the Qaiety, entitled The Dancing Vaughan^
when the elegant Kate of that ilk was the
light and leading daneeuee^ what a vogue
sudi a volume would have had among the
Sitnms of the above-mentioned Temple of
urlesque - Extravaganza. *' Oik $<mt lee
neigee Iranian t " and '* Where is dat barty
now^" B. DE B.-W.
A Double Applicabilitt.—** Intrigues
which reader stable government impoesible,"
though a phrase applied hj the Timee to
Egyptian aftairs, wouldf it is clear, be m>-
phcable to attempts to get at the jockey, or
the stable assistants^ guarding the loose box
of the Derby favourite.
9{f-m
Prtifesnnnal Model, *' It 's comN' to aomsfiko. Burnet Jonis a drawbin' fur
Daily Papers 1 Bad enuf when 'e draw'd fur the Fe-ay-ttms. I reckon 'e 'll be
ON THE Pavement next."
[Nbie.^Sbe Edward Burnb-Jonss, who designed the oostames for the L-o-m, has made a drawing
reprcientiDt " Labour" for the />-^ Chr-n^ele.]
A SONNET OF SONNETS.
(A Dreaef/ul Otieet-Leeean,)
I 'VE often thought I 'd like to write a sonnet,
I wonder, though, if I ean find the way.
Sometimes you muse upon your mistrees—
My
Her eyebrow, then you poetise upon it.
Maybe instead you celebrate her oonnet,
A striking symph'»ny in green or grey.
And when it's done, for many ana many a
day.
With eager eye, you ever scan and con it.
Intent on seeing that it 's quite correct,
And free from all suspicion of defect.
No inauspicious phnse, no halting line.
And when the time of scrutiny is jpast
Tour thought is probably exactly mine-
Thank heaven I the horrid thing is dona
atksti
A CABINET COUNCIL RECORD.
Tee St. Jamee'i Gazette, in giving the
news of the Cabinet CounoU meeting last
Thursday, said, ** Mr. John Morlet left at
12.30, and Mr. Fowler a few minutes later ;
but a messenger was almost immediately
despatched to call the last-named Minister
back, and he returned to the Council Room,
and remained until 12.35, when the Council
broke up."
12.30— Mr. Morlet leaves.
12.33, t.«. "a few minutes later"— Mr.
Fowler leaves.
12.33}- Messenger sent after Mr. Fowler.
12.34i— Messenger returns withMr.FowLEB.
12.34^Di8CUBSion with Mr. Fowlkr.
12.35— Cabinet Council breaks up.
So you see a good deal may happen in five
Bunutea.
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Maboh 2, 1896.
AN AUTHORITY ON FASHION.
Jimss (who has came to slay the nighi at Little Peddlimgtm ffali, and
finds he 's forgotten to bring his white ties), ** I want bomb Whitb
IfiVBNIKO TlE8, PLBA8B."
The Village Draper, ** I 'm sobbt wb 'avbn't GOT AWT IN Stock,
Sib, You sbb thb Wbitb Tib Sbabon has 'abdlt oommbnobd I "
SIGNS OP THE TIMES.
Aj the re-opening of the Koyal United Service Institaf ion la*t
week by H.R.H. the Prince of Wales, in new preiiiseii at Whitehall,
a noYel and ingenious deotrioal instrament was exhibited. By means
oC this addition to the list of communicators a general in the field is
able not only to send an autograph letter to a colleague or subordi-
nate at a distsnoe, but also to conyey in fae simils a drawing of his
own composition. On the occasion to which reference is made, the
Prince of Walbs sent a message to his brother. To this despatch the
Duke of GoNNAroHT was obliged to respond that he did not quite un-
derstand its full meaning. According to the reports some slight
error was rectified, and then the machine worked to everyone's satis-
faction. However, the fact remains that the initial attempt to convey
intelligibly a message was not entirelj^ succesrfuL To impress upon
those answerable for the perfect action of the instrument the im-
portance of their task^we subjoin an imaginary scene of a nearly
impossible situation. We will a9sume that a commander-in-chief i%
couYeraing with a general in the field some ten miles distant.
Commander-in-Chief {wiring). We hear here that a force of
twenty-five thousand infantry are advancing by the Dover road with
a view to turning your left front.
General in the Field. Kindly repeat. {Message repeated.) No,
we do not want any more marmalade, as we have plenty of butter.
C-in-C, I said nothing about marmalade, I was talking of the
enemy. Twenty-five thousand men are advancing on your idt ^nt
Oen, I think 1 now understand what you mean, but we can't get
near Woolwich, because our gas has faded us. However, we will
look out for the twenty-five thousand balloons you say are coming.
C.-tn-C I said nothing about balloons. Infantry, I spoke of.
They are approaching by the Dover Road.
Uen, Thank you for your offer, but we have plenty of hammocks.
We havejust seen this. Can you identify her r I forward sketch.
C-tn- C, You haye sent me what appears to be a drawing of either
a grand pianoforte or a hippopotamus. Which it it P
Gen, It is very difficult to make oat your mesaa^M. We think
we nndentand your last Yes, the aouul to India did start withoiLt
the elephants. We did not know that any had been ordered.
C.-tn-C. I said nothing about elephants. What is the meaning of
your drawing?
Gen, Very sorry ; oan't nuJce out your message. Besides, have
so more time for telemphing. Twenty-five thousand infantry of
the enemy have just leea noticed on tne Dover Boad, threatening
our left front. Why did yob not t^ us they were ooming P
But of course, as we have already said, when the hour arrives
everything will be in perfect working coder. It is to be hoped that
there will be a suralemen* ary siraal to be used in oases of extreme
emergency, to deade promptly aline <rf aotion where two courses are
open for adoption. It might signify *' Toes up."
Nursery Bhyme for the New Woman.
(JThen Literary,)
I HAD a brutal husband, as is our sex's doom,
I put him in a problem-novel : then I made it boom I
I Dought a little ** Log-roller'' who twaddled up and down,
Discovered it, and slavered it, and made it take tiie town.
But meaner beauties of my sex declared I wore blue hoee.
And at my Gospel of Revolt cooked each a pretty nose.
"THE RIVALS" AT THE A. D. C.
Onob again I salute you, oh aotors of the Cambridge A D. C. and
rongratulate you on your rendering of The J^trolr— no mean task for
a body of amateur actors. Specially do I note the admirably and
grotesquely
humorous im-
personation of
mrst Makt-
prop by Mr.
JBL A. AuaxEw
Lbioh. Will
the eUborata
Wildean para-
doxes have to
a future gene-
ration thei
freshncfla and
the lauiirhter-
pro yokinir
Qualitiefi of
ifrs, Mnla^
pr op^t d e-
rangemt-iita?
I doubt it. At,
CambridR-e thel
other dsyleaw
a learned Doo--
tor of L*^ttern
in oonvnlKioDH
over the Mala -
propianB»Hie'^
Will a liDotcir
of I^ttera ti>-
wsrdi the end
of the next,
centurybei^een
to smile over
Oscar's in vvr-
Rions P Mr. R.
BALFODTimiidt^
an exoellent
Boh Acres^
broad in his chardolerisation, self-pos^eised and clear. I should
have called him, however, a trifle too smart and modish in dresi.
Mr. GsiKiE was very efPective in the rages of Sir Anthony^ and Mr.
Watsoic played well as Jack Absolute, Admirable, too, was the Fag
of Mr. Talbot. The leading ladies wero^ as usual, miracles of cutIh
and divine complexions. Yet did their voices and their hands bewray
them. We were fortunately spared the gloomy maunderings ot
Juha and Faulkland, ** Hearty congratters," as they ^j at the
sister university. A Vaoeaht.
Hbr Puzzle.—" I recollect," quoth Mrs. R., '* a sort of riddle that
used to puzzle me when I was a child, and I can't say I quite see tht*
auRwer now. It is this : * If Dice's uncle is m*s ion, what lation
isDiCKto JomrP'"
"The Right Mak nr the Waoire Place."— Labbt, M.P.jP
the Unionist Lobby, Monday, February 18. > ^ ^ ^ ^^ ^^
March 2, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
Son of ToU, ** Ow t^s, mb an* my Missus oits ok fust-oloium tbboithxr, Sib.
Beo'LAE OHinilfT, WB OBB. I TBLL8 'FB BYBBTTHIIIK ! "
J'hilofUhropitt. "Eybb tbll hbb a Lib?*'
Son qf Toil. "Tbllb *bb bybbtthikb, I tbll tbb 1"
THE ADVISABILITY OF NOT BEING
BROUGHT UP IN A NANDBAG.
A T&XTiAL Tbaobdt fob Wondbrfvl Pxoplb.
{fragment found between the St. Jamei^B and
Hayma/rket Theatree,)
AxTVT AiTGirsTA {an Aunt).
Cousoor GiCELT (a Ward),
Alot (a Flutterpate).
DoBiAir (a Button-hole).
The Duke of Bbbwick.
Tna—The other day. The Bceke u in a
garden^ and hegtne and ends with rela-
tione.
Algy {eating eucumher'$andwiehe$). Do
yoa BROW, Aunt Avovsta, I am afraid I
sliall not he able to come to tout dinner to-
night, after alL My friena Buvbubt has
had a relapse, and my plaoe is by his side.
AwU Aug^tsta {drinking tea). Badly,
Alot I It wOl put my table oat dreadfolly.
And who will/arrange my music P
Dorian, /will arranffe your music. Aunt
AirexrsTA. I know all about music I haye
an extraordinary colleotion of musical instru-
ments. I giTe curious concerts every Wed-
nesday in a long latticed room, where wild
gipeieb tear mad music from little 'rithers.
and I haTe brown Algerians who beat mono-
tonously upon oo|rper drums. Besides, I have
set inyself to music. And it has not marred
me. I am still the same. More so, if anything.
Cicely. Shall you like dining at Willib^b
with Mr. DoBiAN to-night, Cousin Algt P
Algy {evaeively). It 's much nicer being here
with you. Cousin Cicely.
AuntAufufta. Sweet child I Iseedirtinct
nodal TOobaulities in her profile. Mr. Doruk
has a Deautiful nature. And it is euch a
blessing to think that he was not brought up
in a handbag, like so many young men ca
the present day.
A[lgy. It is such a blessing, Aunt AireusTA,
that a woman always grows exactly like her
aunt. It is such a curse that a man never
grows exactly like his undo. It is the
greatest tntfedv of modem life.
Dorian. To be really modem one should
have no soul. To be realhrmedinyal one should
have no cigarettes. To De really Greek
[The Duke of Berwick rieee in a marked
manner, and leavee the garden.
Cicely {write$ in her diary, and then reade
aloud dreamily). '*The Duke of Berwick
rose in a marked manner, and left the garden.
The weather continues dharaiing." . . • •
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
SXTBAOTBU FROM THB DiABT OF TOBT, M.P.
Houee of Commone, Monday, February 18.
—Debate on Address finished at last Been
on the whole dreary business. Instead of
sharp roar of honest artillery from Opposition
camp at opening of campaign, series of squibs
popped on ; some of them damp. Novel idea
at commencement of new Seedon for Opposi-
tion chiefs to lurk in tiie wood armed with
blunderbusses, watching efforts of lesser vil-
lains to waylay and murder Ministers, they
coming on scene when these efforts been
repulsed. Novel, but on whole not so suc-
cessful that we are likdy to see repetition.
Odd thing is that in series A divinons
Gfovemment had nearest squeak on motion
for the Closure. S. Woods had amendment
on paper; wanted to have debate adjourned
80 that another day might be appropriated
for hlB use ; SaxTiRE of Malwooo thought
really been enough talk round Address.
Moved closure. Woods and two or three
other good Radicals go into Lobb^ against
Ministm; others abstain : Oppodtion seeing
opportunity fiock into Lobby ; Ministry saved
by eight votes.
** Yes," said the Sqxtire of Malwood as we
walked home together, after last dividon, '* it
is not exactly encouraging. But what dis-
tresses me most ii the way some of our fellows
talk about Rosebeby. Used to be old con-
stitutional maxim that the King can do no
wrong. Modem readin|[ on our dde is that
Premier can do no nght. Speeches like
Dilke's to-night hurt me more toan anything
eiaeJ^ This conversation foUowed close on
one I had earlier in day with the noble lord.
'* How's the Squire looking?" he asked,
anxioudy. ** Bearing up I trust, agdRBt the
fatigues of a thankless task. What a few of
our men say about me not the slightest con-
sequence. Passes over me Uke fluttering of
idle wind. Enow all about it. Could, an* I
would, describe animating motive in each
case. What cuts me to the heart is their
treatment of the SaxTiRE. He manages admir-
ably. Spares no labour ; makes no mistake.
Yet whenever some men returned to support
us are not permitted to take in own hands
direction of public buduess, they go over to
the enemy. Great blessing the Squire is
endowed oy nature with angelic temper.
Otherwise, when this sort of thing happens,
he would chuck up the whole business, ana
tell malcontents and deserters to manage
matters for themselves."
So nice to have this state of things existing.
Sufferers in common affliction, each thinks
only of the other. Business dime. — ^Address
agreed to after ten days talk.
Tuesday Night. — ^Every prospect of quiet
evening, even talk of count out. After spend-
ing our nights and days with Address during
last fortnight, small wonder if the hearts of
Members, untravelled, fondly turn to home.
Diverdon created by appearance on scene of
Howard Ydtcent. Got up in extraordinarv
fashion. Bound his waist a belt, in whicn
dung miscellaneous assortment of brushes
and other articles of domestic use. Pendent
were hair brushes, hat bnuhes, tooth brushes,
boot bmshes (with case in solid leather),
whisk brooms, carpet sweepers, wall brushes,
diimney-sweeping machine (with whalebone
head aod chimney cloth), deck scrubbers,
one Venetian bliod- duster, feather brushes
(dght feet long with jointed handles), floor
poushers, hearw brushes (white hair and
black), lamp brushes, and one hair waver
patent for producing in a few minutes,
without the use of heated irons, a natural
wavy appearance in the hair. (Frark
LoGKwooD much interested in this.)
-Mm jjBuuj i
108
PUNCH. OR THE T.ONDON OHARTVARI.
[Mabch 2, 1895.
Other brufhes peeped oat from every
pocket save thoeel at ooat-taOs. whiobi as
Dfling more!rooiiiT/were reeerr/ed lor sped-,
mexu of filters, Sah-kettleB, bread-platters,
reyoMng boot-cleaners, flpeoimetis of boxes
in which eggs may be safely sent through
the parcel-post, and a lemon-sqnash stand
(oak and nickel monnts complete, with four
tumblers, corkscrew, lemon-knife, and glass
Bogar basin).
^•Been to a bazaar ?»» I asked; "or
are yon going to fiye ap military pursuits,
and set up a stall somewhere on your own
account P'^
"No, Toby,'* said the Colonel, severely
— " would you just hitch round the handle
of that frying-pan ? Thank you; it might
^et in Baktlbt^s way whilst I am address-
ins^ the House— these few things you see
only partially concealed abont my person
are the rcbult of the labours of couTicts and
felons working in foreign prisons. A Gov-
eroment lost to all sense of public duty
permits their free im^rtation, to the detri-
ment of honest British workman. You*d
better stop and hear me Inroil Brtcs."
Colonel walked off with curious clatter,
much more effectire than the spurs he
wears on field days with the Qneen's West-
minster Volunteers. Most interestinsr lec-
ture, occasionally marred by Colonel,
intending at particular point to produce a
blaoking-brusn, fishing forth from his mls-
oeUaneous stiore a plated biNmit-box. But
the moral all the same. The articles all
made in Germany or elsewhere on Conti-
nent. Bbyce glad to get out of difficulty
by offering Committee.
Bus%ne$9 done,— Motion carried for re-
striction of foreign prison-made goods.
Thursday AfUmwm.—'' Bxt^V^ said
Colonel Howsrd Vinoent
and has a brush
8ir Hbitbt Jambs to
Joey C. "A word in thine ear. Prtnor Akthub away to-night ;
srround clear ; suppose we occupy it P show
Pbivce Abthub now we would manage
business, and let the Mabkibs see that
there are statesmen other than those who
h^il from Hatfield and its dependencies.
Here *s this import duty added on British
yam entering India. Lancashire members
sore about it. Don*t know much on sub-
ject myself, but can do simple rule in
arithmetic. If we ean detaeh seven or
eight Lancashire Liberals and put on all
our forces, the Gfovemment must go. Think
how pleasant for Pbikce Abthub. sitting
with nis feet in hot water and his head ont
of the window, to hear the tramp of our
messenger alonff Carlton House Terrace
bringing news tnat Government is out. If
we 'd only time we might hire man witJi
wooden-leg, like the party in Treasure
Island, wasn't itP Sound of wooden-leg
tramping along silent broadway where
Pbivcb Abthttb lives, and is just now
nursing his cold, would be most dramatic.
That a mere detaiL Thing is this, Indian
cotton business is so much gun-cotton for
Ooveniment ; I apply torch ; np they go —
Habooubt,Fowlxb, Asquith (who was so
rude to vou the other night) . and the rest of
them. What do you think f"
JoBY C. is sly, de-vilish sly ; said no-
thing. But he winked.
Hbitby Jambs knew that all was well.
Friday, 12.10 A.ir.— Not quite so well as
it looked when House met at three o'clock
yesterday afternoon. Ministerialists then
m state of trepidation ; Ministers assuming
ail of resignation. Odds distinctly in favour
of defeat of Gfovemment. Hbnby Fowlbb.
formally recogniring situation, had declared
they were prepared for the worst. Some-
.w., »....^» Bxrv ^MMM^^^ • explosion took place as arranged ; srun-
cotton went on with genial roar ; but it was Hbnby Jaxbs blown
into the air, and with him Joby C. lOfi Members mustered under
new Opposition Leadenhip ; S04 going with Ministers. Majoritv, 195.
** Glad I didn't engage the messenger with a wooden leg,'' said
Hkickt Jame.^ with deepen t^ ^\mm, *' A wfiil t-o huve a man of that
kind g-Ljing^ stamping ttxmugh a quitt thutoughfare in the dead of the
ni^ht carrying n«ws of Government majority of ft trifle under 200.
Wish Paij^CK Abthur would stick to his post and not take oolds at
suoh inoonvement seosooH.*' Bmin^M ^>n«.— HEiraT Jambs and
iloKY p. go out to shear and come back ihoni,
Friday ^ p F.u* — House oaunted out. Membera (coitc home in state
of hair-hndJing perturbation. BRmoifKa brought imder notioe of
SpK A K RB circumptanceo attendant upon mjFaterion^ diFappearanoe of
Joey C. last night. When House ckared for diviaion on Jamiw's
motion, Joe seen to leaTQ and go into Lobby. Thereafter all traoe lost
of him. ^ame does not appear in di^iMon liat. Witnesses report
he waa neen endeavouring io induce BffBJ£AJfT-4T-AB]C8 to untook
door ana ndt him jmss through. Skejejint iucorruptitle, inflexible.
JoBBPiT ttimed back and etrai(?htway lost iit human ken.
*'When I wa8 a lad," eaya WiLFRfn LiwaoN, '* I used to he
baffled by inquiry, * Where waii Mo^ira when the candle w«nt out?'
That a plain ptopofiition compared with thi* new one, ' Where was
JosKPff when the division was taken f ** House faoed by mystery
oould not set itself down to buaiueas, Somethiuif uncanny about the
place. Afoording-ly irot itaelf count^ out at ei^ht oVlook. ' Busmess
dLme. — 8eojnd r**ading of l^idon Waterworks BiU carried.
bristles with indignation,
with the. enemy,
how things got mixed
'y
'Bsriig Aot of attempted Inoendisrimi:^ ^or, '* Th« Light tkat failed.*'
Ill ■ I '■ ggq— jgjw^^iaiewww
M4BGH 9, 1896.1
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
L—THE riNK HIPPOPOTAMUS. (ooMrnniBD.)
Fab below laj the globe like huge .bell of grlowinir lieht,
patched here and there with dark traots, and intersected with Hnes
brighter than the surronndinff
brightness. That was my goal.
Bat here I was still swiftlv
soaring from it. Oh, if 1 could
bat change my direction; for
saoh was the still anexhaasted
force of the momentam aoqaired
by tiie exploeion that I knew I
shoold not drop down for many
a long day. If I could only
manage to speed diagonally
down towards the earth. I cal-
oalated that I coald t«ke ad-
vantage of the wayes of the air
to move in a kind of switchback
fashion towards the earth, and
possibly, as I neared the groond,
1 might either hook myself on
to some tall tree or plunge into
a riyer or an ocean ana save
myself by my unequalled powers
of swimming. And here a
i>udden thought struck me. In
life I had respected the Ayah,
Hut now she was dead and was
far beyond the possibility of
feeling, I do not say of resent-
ing, a discourteous action. Tim A
was slii3ping away; the earth
was yisiDly diminishing; the
moment for action had come.
Slowly and with determination
I drew up my right leg, and
letting it out bacucwards with ^^^
thefare*^of a Naamyth hammer, 'E[R^
delivered my foot full ftR-&iD»*t f
the body of the Ayah. Everv- •
thing hfippen^ as I had anti-
*Pf*^C 7^^^ X ^?^ ?^^ " Wi^ » r»i8h and a swoop I was upon hiin.»'
melanciialy tnnd as the lif eleM
body went off at iti involuntary tangent, while I flew sidelong and
in a downward dir&otion, mj whole course being changed by the
imMtof^ tif fVip kick.
How long 1 lluw nice tins I know not. At such a crisis moments
are centuries. After a time I re-opened my eyes and looked about
me. Where was IP Could it be? Yes— no— and yes a^ain. All
that I saw was familiar. The towers, the cupolas, the domes, the
minarets, the battlements— all these I had Rcen oefore. Soarcelv two
hundred yards below me lay the Diamond City from which I had that
very night ascended.
I ought to explain that, as I had expected, partly owing to the
well-luiown laws of gravitation, partly owing to the celebrated air-
wave theory, first propounded by my friend. Dr. Hasbwitz, Begins
Professor Phlebotomv in the University of Bermuda, I was now
proceeding in a series of gigantic serpentine curves through t^e air.
At the moment of which I am speaking I was at the top of one of
these curves, and^^I calculated that, wiSi luck, I should just be able,
on my downward course, to' dearlthe western gate of the city, and
then,'>tving*come^>ithin VjEew!feet of the ground, I should speed
upward again and onward
lieaven knows whither. In
flash it occurred to me that if
OAin)EBDOWir was ready at his
appointed post beyond the gate,
I might in passing be able to
seize him and brar him with
me in my wild flight. I pulled
out my watch. The hands
pointed to flve minutes past
twelve, and as we had f^ed
midnight for our meeting, I
knew that my henchman, the
very soul of punctuality, would
be at the rendezvous. Yes,
there was the faithful old fel-
low, armed and provisioned to
the teeth, standing stolidly as
was his custom, appuently
paying but little attention to
anything that was going on
around and about him. With
a rush and a swoop I was upon
him. I stretched out my hand,
and, as I passed, took a full
and powerful grip of the collar
of his coat, wrenched him from
the ground, and thus accom-
panied went serpentining on-
wards into the unknown.
I am bound to say that when
his first surprise was over the
old warrior took it uncommonly
welL ffis was never an inqui-
sitive mind. Like all who were
brought into contact with me,
he had an unswerving faith in
my genius. ** If Wilbrahax
says so, it must be so, and
there 's an end of the matter,"
was one of his commonest sajrin^, never more justified than on the
occasion of which I am now speafing.
" Have you the pemmican P " I asked him.—** I have."
*• And the solidified beef-tea P "— *' In my left pocket."
** And the combined boiler and cooking range P ''
** Slung on my back."
** And the patent portable mule-cart with adjustable tram-lines P"
** Attachedto my belt"—** And the P "
What I was going to say I cannot remember, for at this moment
there was a crash of glass, we both struck violently against some
hard surface, rebounded, felL and lay perfectly still. In a minute
or two I recovered from the shock, and looked about me. We were
lying in the manger of the Pink Hippopotamus ! (To be conttL)
IRISH ASTBONOMY.
SiH RoBEHT Ball, recently deliverin|r a
lecture (by reauest) under the above title,
acUnitted that ne did not quite know what it
meant, as he did not suppose Irish astronomy
was different from that of other nations. Isn't
it be jabers P Judging by parity of reasoning,
we can imagine that Irish astronomy may be
as eui generis as are Irish politics. It is pro-
bably unusually nebulous, and characterised
by the revolution of suns round their satel-
lites, and the prevalence of excentrio comets
and shooting stars. Had Addtsoic had it in
mind, he would probably have written his
celebrated hymn somewhat as follows : —
The spaydous firmament on hoigh.
And ful the i^reen Hibernian skoy.
And wranglmff hivens a foi^hting frame.
The reign of cnaos do proclaim.
What though the **^stars" do shoine— and
squall.
And on each other*s orbits fall!
What though no order, stable, sound.
Amidst those jarring sphayres be foundl
Onraison there doth loud rejoice.
At hearins: echoed her own voice ;
For iver snouting as they shoine.
Our hiven 's a Denny brook divoine
THE ABCHITECT TO HIS WIPE.
I POXTiSB seldom or never.
As a rule I am not such an ass ;
I handle a metre scarce ever,
Unless it 's connected with gas.
But once I was tempted to stray, dear.
In the realms of the Muses above.
And in somewhat prof esrional way, dear.
To sing the delights of my love,
I thouffht of you, sweet my Dbttsilla.,
As the daintiest lot in the land.
The prettiest fairy-like villa
Tluit ever an architect planned.
You offered attractions unnumbered.
Your an>ect was sunny and bright,
And my fancies ran wild, when I slum-
bered,
Defdoting the charms of your site.
I think I shall never forget, love.
How I called with an order to view ;
You were empty, and still ** To be Let," love.
And I was untenanted too.
I stocked you ; I saw that we stood, love.
On mutually suitable spots,
And I swore I would do what I could, love.
To try to unite the two lots.
I cautiously moot^ the questioiL
And great was my rapture to find
That my timidly-ventured suggestion
Was not quite averse to your mind.
I therefore grew bold ard took heart, love.
The business was promptly despatched.
We no looger stood coldly apart, love,
For lo, we were closely attached.
'Tifi long since
Folk see us so hap]
jned, and now, love,
^^-ly matched.
They are ready to promise and vow, love,
We never were semi-detached.
Two beings were never so blended.
They say we could never be twain—
Well, so let it be, till life's ended.
And one let us ever remain!
VOL. onn.
110
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON OHARIVARL
[Mabch 9, 1896.
Digitized by
Google
MABcn 9, 1896.1
PTTNOH, OR THU LONDON OHARTVARI.
Ill
"ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. VL— Thb Obbat Ckioect Match. "Enolahb r. AuBnuLXA." Umpibbs, thx Two WoMBAts.
THE SECOND MOUNT;
Or, Thb Nsw **QALLOPiiro Squibs" aitd thb Ibuh Oboom.
QaOoprng Squire {of the 8L Stephen* $ Sunt) . S-B W. H-bc-bt.
Iriih Oroom J-hk M-bl-t.
Weieh Horse D-s-st-bl-shm-ht.
Iriih Horse ••...•• Ir-in> B-ll.
OaUopmg Smdre (pounding along). Poof I Pretty heayy g^omg I
This ooontiy doem't seem to be what it was when I was younger,
and rayther a lighter weight, in dd Hnntsman Billies days.
Laudator temporu actit well, perhaps so— perhaps so. StilL
neither meets nor mounts strike me as oeing quite up to the old
form. Some of our new men have the manners of a cheeky young
ohawbaoon on a mte. That hard rider from the Midlands, for
instanoe I Most of our new mounts laok the blood and paoe ox the
horses of old times. This woedy Welsh orook for example I *' Kim
up. ye hugly brute I " as Johk Lbbch's huntsman put it. Ah I when
Old WILL took us aorois the Stone- Wall Country in '69 and '70, hunt-
ing was hunting, horses were horses— yes. and gentlemen of the hunt
were gentlemen I Now, what with mixed fields, oooktail erooks, and
false soents, the siwrt 's no longer a sport for— persons of Plantagenet
descent and patrician instincts.
However, Taffy answers ramdy enough to spur and whipcord.
Goufidering my weight and— weiU, other difficulties, the woedy-
lookinf nag, is goinff fairly welL Fancy he '11 hold out to the crest
of the nill yonder, where I think I see Jack Moblkt with my second
mount. Eim up I Yes, there 's Jack, with the Irish horse he thinks
so much of, and takes such pains with. Humph I Bit tired of Irish
mounts myself, tliough mustn't mention it to Jack. 'Twas Irish
horses bronght Old Billt his biggest croppers after alL though he.
too, was wondrous sweet on 'em. Prefer a mount from the stable of
the Predominant Partner, myself, if I mwht haye my chdce— which
I mustn't— worse luck! Good old Budhet strain my fancy I Not
oyer fa»t, perhaps, but first-rate weignt-carriers, and always in
at the death— or the Death Duties, as I might say, if on a Derby
• — Hal hal hat
platform instead of a Welsh
Yes, Tqffy will hold on 1» the top of the hiUHFirst Beading
Point)— and then for a '* quick-change" to the Irian horse. If I
don't lose time, and haye ordinary luok, the two will carry me
through, ridden alternately.
Irish Oroom {meditating). Ah, here cornea the GuVnor. pounding
away on Taffy, Olad to catch sight o^ me and Paddy ^ I '11 warrant.
He's taken aoout the last ounce out o' the Welsh 'un, if I 'm any
judge. Bides a bit lumpy, the GuVnor does, nowadajrs, though his
pluck's as good as oyer, I must say. Well, we're ready for hiiOy the
Irish horse and me, fit aa afiddle, uid groomed to a hair, though I say
it as shouldn't, p'raps. Come along, my new incarnation of good old
WHTTi-MKLyiLLB'tt " Galloping Squire." (Sings.)
The Galloping Squire to the saddle has got.
That saddle a neayier weight has ne'er borne';
From his stable he 's drafted the pick of his lot,
(Two nags by his enemies held in foul scorn,)
One Welsh, f other Irish ; both likely to tire.
I must trust to these two I says our Galloping'.Sqnire.
He takes the Welsh horse by thelhead, and he sails
O'er this crossest o' countries, all ear and all eye.
He takes as they come high banks, fences, and rails ;
The crampediones he 'llcreep, and the fair ones he 'U fly.
It 's a miahty queer place that will put in the mire
That artful old horseman, our Galloping Squire.
A fast forty minutes of run and of race.
And he's glad <rf a change, as indeed are we all.
The two he must ride are not gluttons for pace.
Still, the slow need not stop, and the weak may not fall.
His second mount 's here. He may puff and perspire,
But he's game to go cm, is our Galloping Squire I
Galloping Squire (coming up and
PoufI Oh I here you are. Jack! T
andonwego againl The Welsh , , v.
expected, though I 'ye had to bustle him along, and he's a bit
blown. ^Changes mounts smartly,
Irish Oroom, That's right. Squire. The Welsh 'un hasn't done so
badly, buti think you'll find the Irish 'un fit as a fiddle. These
Irish horses Ahl A« 's off. (Looking after him^ as he takes the
bridle of " Tqff^,) Well, he'll do Wf bert, beaten or not. Wowed tf
hewon^tl Goes wdL too, he does, for an old 'un I Hope Pa<2(/y '11
pall him through to the end. o' the run. (Sings,)
** And long may it be ere he's forced to retire^
For we breed yery few like our Galloping Squirel "
[Leads of " The Welsh 'un ''-for the present.
No Gbops this Ybab'i I— A startling announcement, founded upon
the new rule of the Kennel Club, to the effect that after March no
crop-eaieddMcanwinoneof theK. C. pnze^^'Mioonjl" quoth
the dogs. ''Full ears and no crops I" O
112
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
[Maboh 9, 1806.
Editor of Libellous Mag {ufho has rust reeevoed a terrifie but tpell-deserved kick),
ICANS THOT ? "
Colonel McMwrder. " Ym, oi dud, you thundewh' villain I "
BdUor. "Oh, v«by wkll, thot's all boigbt, Oi t'ouoht it moioht av bbbn wan o*
thuc pkao-ta-olb jokss t "
THE INTERVIEWER'S VADE MECBM.
Question, What is the ohject of an inter-
viewer P
Answer. To show the merit of his work at
the expense of the interviewed.
Q, Is there any ohdoe in seleoting a snh-
jeot?
A, Very little, all that is neoessary is that
the name at the head of the article shall he
fairly familiar to the general reader.
Q. Need the interviewer record the history
of the*interviewed P
^. No ; unless matter grows short and the
exploits of the hero are required for padding.
Q. But have not those exploits made the
hero famous P
A, Yes, and oonseguently they have heoome
'*old matter." To be interesting, details, if
f rivobus, must be up to date.
Q, Which would be the better copy — an
account of the subject's most sucoessfm cam-
paign, or a description of his wardrobe P
A, Undoubtedly the latter. The exploits
will certainly have been described a score of
times, but a list of coats, hats and neckties
will probably have the charm of novelty.
Q, Then vou would not value your sub-
ject's diary r
A. Not if it merely recorded his public life.
In such a case it would be distinctly Icm
interesting than his butcher's book.
Q. Are the surroundings of a hero of
moment P
A. Certainlv, if they are little known.
The back yard of the greatest poet becomes
a spot fuU of interest if it nas hitherto
escaped description.
Q. Then a poet's staircase is more memor-
able than his stanzas P
A, Certainlv; and the warrior's umbreUa-
stand than the record of his battles — a
philosopher's overcoat than the tale of his
sdentinc discoveries.
Q. If the interviewed has a dog or a oat,
is it advisable to refer to the fact P
A, Assuredly, and such a reference should
run to the length of half a dozen pages, and
possiblv a couple of illustrations.
Q. But surely the interviewed must sacri-
fice a fair amount of time to the interviewer P
A. Quite so; but the obligation is mutuaL
Q, And yet it is only the interviewer gets
a reward P
A, In money. But then the interviewed
has his advertisement.
Q, Is such an advertisement very valu-
able P
A, If the account is published at the com-
mencement of the seaaon it may convert the
subject into a Sodety lion.
Q. And what are the advantages enjoyed
by such a creature P
A. Invitations to dinners, dances, and at
homes, from all-but-perfect strangers— ror a
while.
Q. And what follow?
A, Beaction and f orgeifulness.
Q. It seems that to be interviewed is not
permanently beneficial to the subject P
A. Of course not ; but that is a matter of
small importance to the interviewer.
Q. Then what advantage does the latter
obtain at the cost of the former P
A. That is a question that can best be
answered by reference to the ledgers of the
publishers.
Q. Why should not the interviewed turn
the tables upon their visitors and become the
internewers P
A, Because an interviewer is seldom of suf-
ficient importance to undergo the operation.
Q. Is there any other reason P
A. Certainly ; and a most important one.
If the interviewer became the interviewed,
from the latter*s point of view it wouldn't
pay. __________
MARCH THOUGHT.
(An AfUr-thawt.)
MARTua quid ogam Kalendis t
First thing the broken p*pe« to mend is.
The leek upon St. David*s day
Fluicllkn's doughty kin display,
But England, fraognt with cant and pails,
This March is all at one with Wales.
While plumbers play their hide-and-seek
We all must grin and bear the leak.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
SiNCi it first lifted its tall head, *'likea
bully," as Pope rudely put it, the Londcp
Monument has been mnon looked at. If it is
not to be superseded amid the sights
London, it is tune it be-
gan to look out for itself.
A rival has been creep-
iog up year after year.in
the bulky volume known
as Surdetfs Official In-
telligence. The volume
just out bears the record
Fourteenth Year — a
mere child in point of
age, but a prodi^ of
cokMal size and almoet
supernatural know-
ledge. It is perhaps
auite an accident that
lie pages run up to
1899. But the fact is ^
fresh testimony to the ^
fin de siccle charaoterof
the work. Persons about to marry would,
my Baronite says, find it a nice start in the
way of furnishing a library. In emergency,
it woiUd serve as a dining-table, a footstool,
a four-post bedstead, or (if the pages were
cut out and distributed as tracts in the CitT)
the binding might be rebuilt to form a spar**
bedroom. Just the book to take down with
you to Brighton, or up the river on some
of those sunny oays we hope are coming.
Crammed full of information from cover ^>
oover. What Burdctfs Intelligence does not
know about financial affairs and Stock Ex-
change business would make a very small
book. The Ba.bok de B.-W.
strels. O
Maboh 9, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVAEL
lis
THE PLEASXTRES OP TRAVEL.
{By Ane thai has kmU thmn,)
'Traagreatthing, theTraiyell I 'U thank ye tae find
Its equid far openin' the poors o' the mind.
It mak's a man polished, an' gries him, ye ken,
Bio a grann' oosmypoUitan knowledge o^ men I
I ne'er was a stay-at-hame oallant ava,
I aye mnst be rantin' an' roamin' awa',
An^ far hae I wandered an' muokle hae seen
0' the ways o' the warl' wi' ma vara ain een.
I've been tae Kingskettle wi' Wulub [an'
"l^ Jeajobs,
C^ I 'ye yeedted Anster an' Elie an' Wemyss,
I 've walked tae Kirkca'dy an' Cupar an'
Crail,
An' I ainoe was awa' tae Dundee wi' the raiL
Loeh me. Sir ! The wnnnerfu' things that I saw I
The kirks wi' their steeples, sae bonny an' braw,
An' publios whaoriver ye tamed wi' yer ee—
'Tb jist a complete eddioation, Dnndee !
Theer7s streets— be the hnnner I An' shops be the soore !
Theer 's bakers an' grooers an' fleshera gabre !
An' milliners' winders a' flanntin' awa'
Wi' the last o' the fashions &ae Lnnnon an' a'.
An' eh, sio a thrang, Sir ! I saw in a minnit ^
Mair folk than the tonn o' Einghom will hae in it I
I wadna hae thoeht that the hail o' creation
Gould boast at ae time sio a vast population !
Ma word. Sir I It gars ye olap haun' tae yer broo
An' wunner what 's Proyidenoe after the noo
That he lets sio a swarm o' they oratur's be bom
Wham naebody kens aboot here in Kinghom.
What P— Leeberal minded F—Te canna but be
When ye 've had sio a graun' eddioation as me.
For oh, theer is naethin' like traivel, ye ken.
For growin' aoquent wi' the natur' o' men.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
To the Editor of ''Punch.'*
Sir,— We think^it our duty to call your attention to the appearanoe
of a book that otherwise would have possibly entirely esoaped your
attention. It is oalled A Neglected Incident i, in a Company's
Career It is written by a gentleman with a name of historioal
importance, and contains, amongst other inyitin^
matter, several letters irom the author to his
illustrious ancestor. It is full of the most in-
teresting stories, although its aoouraoy is scarcely
unimpeachable. As some of the tales are not
entirely laudatory of the Company with which we
had the honour once to be connected, we beg « to
lay our case before you.
We have approached the writer of the book,
and asked him to withdraw it. We have not
obtained a satisfactory answer. We have also
appealed to the publisher of the book (whose name
we would giye in fuU if we did not think that
^ou might editorially suppress it, as there is a
column set apart in .another portion cl your issue for book adyer-
tisements), and he, too, has not seen his way to rendering us any
assistance. He hsis referred us to the 4author, who still leayes us
without a remedy.
Howeyer, the publisher (with whom we cannot absolutely agree)
inakes a suggestion which seems to us in eyery way admirable. As
it;is our wish to cause A Neglected Incident in a Cfompany*» Career
to be as littie circulated as possible, he proposes that we should write
a .'joint letter to all the leading London papers, setting forth the
highly interesting character of its contents. This we are now doing,
as you will see from this communication.
Yours truly, {Signed^ Bbitjaion Bbowk. ) j^^ ^ ^^
IlSh rSSotgn. i CcMttpany.
P.S.— It is unnecessary to state, after the above ingenious
explaaation and gratuitous advertisement, that it is highly probable
that A Neglected Incident in a Companies Career, once possibly
little read, may now be obtained at every respectable droolating
library in town or the country.
"IS IT POSSIBLES'
0Mr. Oooldenheim of London {to Mr. Beauehofnp 8. PotU of New
Fork}, *'Now Tou tivk that tott ols alvatb also till ax
Englishman in Amxbioa. I tell tov dat is a grkad mistaks.
I VAAS DbBB MoNTS IK THB UnIDBD StADB8| AHD DBBB VABM'T
Onb Man dat oubssbd I vab an Bnglibhican 1 "
A HOPELESS CASE.
Of literary pleasnies, my first and chief delight,
Was to read the thriDing serials our deft romancers write,
To follow up each hero to the altar from his teens,
By reading each instalment in the monthly magazines.
,^ . The system answered splendidly i^while
magazines were few.
But journal follows journal now, review
succeeds review ;
And when the monthly parcel I have
carefully perused, [confused I
Alas, I find the chanieters are woef ally
^*AUjv_^^-^
They follow me about by day, at night
they haunt me still,
A hero out from Longman's weds a lady
from ComhiU ;
A viUain from Belgravia, who a burglai^
^. has planned, [the Strand.
^'^ Is suddenly arrested by detectives from
I hear a stalwart warrior from one of Wetman's plots
Engaged in Dolly dialogues with Mabt dueen of Scots ;
And persons in the Argosy for gold in Harper's toiL
Or interview physicians brought to light by Conan Dotlb.
Not only in the fiction, too, I find my fancy trio.
The Idlers' Club are gathered at the Bign that bears a Ship,
While Blackwood's sober chronicler in quite a flippant way
Discusses '* Without Prejudice" the topics of the day.
And so, although my intellect is reasonably strong.
It will not bear the strain of this bewilderment for Icnuf j; v.ia
PleMe carve upon my tombstone when I quit terrestrial scenea,
** Here lies a man who perished from too many magazines I "
114
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVAEL
[Maboh 9, 1896.
KNOWING WHERE TO STOP.
He, "Ym, it was very oovfusiko."
Shs, " It must hayi bsxn 1 Had I been tou, I shotld hate blushed to the boots of mt-
-BB— EtBBROWS 1 '
DISTURBED I
.["The (Tarkiih) loldien then oame and pro-
miied the protection of the Imperial troops to all
who should lay down arms, and seek refoffe in the
Turkish oamp. This offer was aooepted hy an
Armenian olercyman on behalf of 360 persons of
all ages and both sexes. The Turkidi colonel
ordered them to be provided with supper along
with the soldiers, and then at night had them
escorted to a distance from camp, where they were
despatched and thrown into a turge pit, dead and
dying together."— JZiywt, yVvm Mouth, of Daily
Telegraph's Special CorreepokdeiU, on the Armenian
AtroeUtes,]
. ["The hyena's aspect is repulsiye. Malini,
inexorable, and untameably savage, its eyes shine
bke lucifers in the dark night ; its stealthy, dusky
form surprises us.' It fears the light of day, and
strangles what is weak and straying from the path.
It mocks its nrey with a laugh.'^— 1!^ Book of
NatwreandofMin.-]
Ukchak OED, nnohangeablell A Boonrge
Attila-like from are to age ;
What plea oan (^iant7 now urge
For 8a<di inunitigable rage F
No rest from rayin, no surcease
OfoamageF Yain it seems to ply
Earth's butcher, foe of We, home, peace
With pleadings of hnmanity.
Since words avail not, any more
Than Sampsok's withy-bands, to bind
This worse than Brymanthian boar.
This f elL fierce foe of humankind ;
What use in wasting words f The hand
Of Hercules to cleanse and slay
Tb» monster scourges of the land
Is needful in a newer day.
Malign, inexorable, untamed,
K This hoar hyssna of the East
Our skill has scorned, our wisdom shamed.
Must the implacable, fierce beast
Have room and yer^e for rayage still,
Unmenaced by the hunter's spear ;
Blast the beginnings of goodwill.
Fill the fresh-budding waste with fear P
'Tis time^ 'tis time I Incarnate crime,
Embodied cruelty and lust^
Trampler in slauffbter-sanguined slime.
Mocker of loyalty and trust ;
Derider of the numan bond,
Bef ouler of barbaric faith.
Are there fanatics note so fond
As to protest against thy scath F
Seeing thine old defenders turn.
Sickened at that dread Death-Pit's sight,
And with just indispiation bum.
Sure the horizon bears a light,
A blade-like beam of menace clear,
Tymng the brand of Nemesis.
E'en Power's panders well might fear
To palliate sudi a scene as Uiis.
The treacherous pact, the stabber*s snare,
The butoher-orgie, that grim graye.
From whi<di fire would not purge the air,
That was not hidden by uie waye ;
The stealthy trick, the crawling lier—
These stain the record. Can the Turk,
For all his age-leamt subtlet^^.
Blot out the count of sudi black work.
Justice will heed the faintest plea
Eyen from blood-stained Hdcl if truth
linffcr upon them ; but must flee
All maundering and maudlin ruth.
If this red recosa 'stabUshed stand.
The stealthy prowler loyes the night,
But crouches at the threateninff hand
It glimpses in l^e breaking light.
Disturbed I Those shininc[ f ortiye eyes
Glance angrily askauce~m fear I
The women's shrieks, the children's cries.
Which we in fancy still can hear.
Left that hyssna-heart unmoyed ;
But now a yoice upon the air, —
The same stem ydce which Caik re]iroyed, —
Frightens the ghoul in his dark liar I
THE UNEMPLOYED.
Av Appkal.
We 'ye got no work to do-o-o !
Our homes are cold as the wintry air.
Our stomachs areempty, booho-o-o f booho-OH) I
And like Mother Mubbard our cupboards
are bare. [stout.
We're frozen out I Though our hearts are
And we 're full of industry, Zealand thrift ;
There is not the chance of a job about, [drift.
Through the hardened earth and the (milling
We do not howl as we prowl the street,
With ruddy f acee ana bodies plump :
Our yoioes though dulled by the cold are
sweet, [piiniPf
But the snow-spread lawn, and the frozen
The ice-bound pond, and the highway hard.
Are all our foes. And no Umon door,
No Refuge warm is for us unbarred ;
We, we are the helpless descrying poor :
So Christians thoughtful, gentle and good,
Warm by fire-side or snuff in bed.
Be sure your bounty, of broken food.
For us on pathways and lawns is spread ;
For we 're poor, and hungry, and frozen out.
We may not thank you in eloquent words ;
But litter your welcome largess about.
And thouffn cockney carols we cannot shout
We 'U gather on brandi and on gutter-spout,.
And chirrup our thanks, wa poor Londow
Birdi! !!
t
Ill
i ?
III
la 13
Eft
»•-&
lis-
HI
i' f
8' H
111
Digitized by
Googlf"
Digitized by
Google
Mabch 9, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
THE FARMING OF THE FUTURE;
Or, JHiat BHHth Agriculture is eoffidng to,
ScXNB— ^ Car an an Electric Light-railway,
Tnat—The Twentieth Century.
First Farmer {recognising Second Farmer). Why, 'tis Mnster
Fbxiwail, Bureliel didn't see it was yon afore. And how be
things gettin' along with yoUj Sir, eh f
Farmer FretwtSl [lugubrtously). 'Mong the middlings, Master
Lagkadat; 'mongthe middlin's! Nothen doin' jnst now— nothen
'taUI
Third Farmer lenviinisly). Well, you heyn*t no oall fur to orv
oat, neighboor I I see yoa'ye got a likely lot o' noo 'oardins oomio*
op all aloD^ yoar rwrt <? the
line. I wish mine war arf
as farrard, I know thet I
F. FretsoaU. Ah, them
••Keep yer 'air on"'s, you
mean, Btxxottth. I don't
deny as they was Ibokin' tidy
enoogh a week baok. Bat
jast as I was makin' ready
far to paint np •• Try it on a
BDHardBaU^'^blamedif this
yere frost didn't set in, and
now theer's everything at a
standstill wi' the brashes
froze 'ard in the pots !
F. Ryemauth. 'Tis the
same down with me. Theer's
a aere o* ••Banyan's Easy
Boots" as mast her a noo
ooat, andl oann't get nothen
done to 'en till th' weather's
a bit more hqpen like. Don' >
keer 'otr soon we hey a/
ehange, myself, I don't I
F. Laekaday. Nor yet me,
so long as we don't 'aye no
gales with it. Theer was
my height-aere ;pastare as I
planted only las'^ Candlemas
wi' •• Eoop^s Lang Tonios"
— wannerfnl fine and tall
they was, too — and iyery one
on 'en blowed down the next
week!
F. FreiwaiL Well, I 'ope
theer wnn't be no rain,
neither, come to that. 1
know I 'ad aU the Fs of my
••Piffler's Persaadye JWll-
ales" fresh gold-leayed at
Midiaelmas, and it oome on
wet direotly arter I done it.
apagenraini
F, Ryetnouth. I dnnno as
I wonlon't as lief hey ndn as
san. My •• Hanti-Freokle
Balyes" all blistered ap and
peeled af oor the sammer was
'hardly began a'moet
F. Laekaday. 'Tis a tnr-
r^e 'ard otimate to make
'Md against, is oDrn. I We 'eard tell as some farmers are takin' to
they eoamelled hiron affairs, same as they nsed to hey when I war a
lad. I mind theer war a erop o' •• Read Gomio Gagmag " as lin-
gered on years arter the paper itself. Not as I hold with enamelling,
myself— 'tain^t what I call *igh farmin*— takes too mmk oatertEe
land in my 'pinion.
F.FretwM. Ar
Aye, aye. •• Rotation o' boards.'* Ssy^ •• Spooner's
Snlphar Syrap" far a spring oropt follered with some kind o^soap or
candles, and p'raps oongh lozengers, or hembrooitioa, or bakin'
powder, if the soil will bear it, arterward^— that's the system I war
reared on, and theer ain't no bettei 'pend npon it !
F. Ryemouth. I tell 'ee what 'tis; it's time we 'ad some pro-
teotioa agen these yere f arrin adyartisements. I was trayellin' along
the Great Northern tother day, and I see theer was two or three o*
them Frendi boards niffh in iyery field, a downright shame an' dis-
grace I call it, disfi|[ann' the look o* the ooantry and makin' it that
ontidy— let alone dnyin' honest British boards on the land. Goyer-
ment onght to pat a stop to it ; that's what Jsay I
F. Lackaday, They Parliment chaps don't keer^trAo^^beoomes of
ns poor farmers, they don't. Look at last Gtoeral Election time.
They might ha' giyen oar boards a tarn: bat aot they. Most o*
they candidates £d all their 'tisin' with raobishy flags and balloons
^inade in Japan, Sir, eyery blamed one o' them I And they wonder
British Agriooltare don't prosper more I
F, Ryemouth, Spcnkiir o' gneer ways o' hadyertisin' , hey anj
on ye set eyes on that farm o yoang F(jllacrahk*8 F l)ans:ed if
iyer I see sedi tomfool notions as he's took np with in all my
bom days I
FFretwail. Why, what hey he bin np to jmw. eh P ,. , « .
F. Ryemouth. Well, I thoaght I «had ha' bast myself larfin'
when I see it fast. Theer ainM; not a board nor a sky sign; no,
nor yet a 'carding, on the 'ole of his land I , , , ^
F. Lackaday. Then how
do he enect to get a jprofit
oat of itP— that's what I
want to year.
F. Ryemouth. Yoa 'U
'ardly credit it, nei^hbonrs,
bat ne 's been baryin' some
o' they farrin grains, boats
and barley, an' I danno what
not. in little 'oles aboat his
fielas, so as to make the
words, •• Use Faddler's
Non - f arinaceons Food " —
^and the best on it is the
'^darned joang fool expecks
as 'ow it 'U all sproat come
aext Aperl— he do indeed,
friends I
- F. Fretwail. Flyin' in the
face 0* Proyidence, I calls it.
He mast ha' gone clean oat
of his senses!
F. Lackaday, Stark staiin'
mad. I neyer heerd tell o'
sndi extrayaganoe. Why,
as likely as noL 'twill sil
die off o' the land afore the
year 's oat— and wheer wall
he be then t
F. Ryemouth. Azackly
what I said to 'en myself.
•• Yon tek my word for it,"
I sez, ••'twan't niyer come
to no good. The nateral crop
for these yereBritish Hisles,''
I tdd 'en. •• is good honest
Uengiish hoak an' canyas,"
1 sez, •• and 'tain't the action
of no sensible man, nor >et
no Christian," sez 1, *• to go
a drillin' 'des and a-droppin'
in hoatlandish seeds ^m
Canada an' Rooeha, which
the sile wasn't neyer in-
tended to bear I "
w^Farmers Fretwell and
Lackaday. Rightly spoke,
neighbonr Rtsmotjth, Hwas
a trae word! Bat theer '11
be a iedgement on sech new-
fangled doin's, andj what's
moor, yon and I will liy e far
to see it afore we're yery
mach older I
[ They all shake their heads solemnly as scene closes in.
••Pistols Bill."— Sir^ I am not mach of a newspaper reader,
bat I flatter myself on being a fair Shakspearian stadent. Jadge my
deliirht, then. Sir, on seeing that •• Pistols Bill " was recently the
snbject of paniamentary discassion. I •• read no more that day."
bat, satisfied with the heading, at once write to yon to know if •* Fsl-
staff*s Bill " (with the small item of •• bread " in it) will next come
ander discassion ? I am, indeed, rejoiced to find that oar British
Parliament has now before it a subject worthy of consideration.
: Years, A Worshipper of the Baxd.
Spostihg Qttert.— Why is it ^tty certain that Captain Grat-
wiCKS, of the National Ride Association, will not ran a horse, or if he
does he will not emj^ the jockey he had originally intended, for
this yesr's Derby ? Becaase at a meeting of the N. R. A. it was
aniMNinced that '^Captain Gratwioxs withdrew his proposed rider."
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Maboh 9, 1896.
'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK.
'ArryiineOnrndHet). *'Wkll, gi* JO ▲ 'Bike'!'
"LITERATUEE AND AET.''
[The Table of Content! of the Yettovf Book has
two snb-titlei, " literature »' and " Art."J
No poBflibility of doubt
Can stop as now in finding out
What '* literatoie " should be ;
No longer dazed by riyal claims,
We read a row of deathless names,
Not yet renowned, but would-be.
Not *' letterpress," or otber word
As modest, that would be absurd.
Contemptuous and slighting ;
But " literature," which for long.
It may be right, it may be wrong.
Has meant the best of writing.
Those duller minds which once essayed
To ply the literary trade.
Poor Shaxspsasb^ Dafis, Hoxxb,
Did not describe their feebler work
As ** literature." Qibboit, Bubks
Ayoided this misnomer.
The art of wri^g now we leam.
Should PoE or Wtcheblt return
They would not be neglected.
The oorpses, tombs and worms of one.
The other 's plain, outspoken fun,
Would never be rejected.
But anyone may marvel why
Sane persons read, and even buy,
A page, a word, a letter
Of this new school, yet hardly know
The works of Wtohkblt or Pob,
Se infinitely better.
Still literature is but a part ;
These pages also teach us *' art,"
Surpassing TiNTOBSTTO.
Allegro, not in MiLTOir's way.
But, with the modem meaning, *' gay" ;
Not too gay, allegretto.
YxLASQUBZ, you were but an ass,
like RxMBBAjmr, Thiak, alas I
All despicable duffers.
And BoMirBT, Aetnoum (poor old fooll)
And OADrsBOSoueH, a simple idhool
Of bluiid«ring old baffers.
At last we know what art should be.
A subject whidi we cannot see.
In spite of all our trying ;
The portraits not like anyoncL
The landscapes, though not *^ well begun,'*
*' Half done " there 's no denying.
And BsAEDSLET shows us now the nude ;
It would not shook the primmest prude,
Or rouse the legislature.
An unclothed woman, ten feet high.
Could not make anyone fed shy ;
She 's '* art," she is not nature.
TENIPICATION.
{By the Birmingham Grade,)
Thx **units" or ** areas" of London,
However you turn 'em or twist 'em.
Must be ran^— or the Capital's tiitdime—
On the (Birmingham) Decimal System,
For London 's just ten times as big
As Ihe Midland's Miraculous Modd.
For the L. C. C. care not a fig.
Their *' Unification " is twaddle:
Lord! what can sudi novices know
Of the right size for Munidpalities F
Sir John should take council with Jox,
Who is old, and has dealt with realities.
Great Piato might prate about *' types,"
Which were stored in some limbo ideaL
His eye modem Brummagem wipes,
'Tis the standard for aS, and 'tis reaL
No, London's *' divides" must be TenI
'Tis no matter what you'll be terming 'em.
But snrdy 'tis dear to all'men
That thev mtuM'^ be hiaaer than Bmnma-
Maboh 9, 1896.]:
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
119
RESOURCE!
Taung Mr, Softly. '* Er— MiB8 Ethxl, thxbk is bombthino I— er— PABTionuL< want to sat to to v.
HAVE A MlKTTTX WITH TOU ALOFS t "
Hits Ethd, ** Oh, that 's all bight 1 Somxthing vbok Wagnxb, plbasx, Lvot 1 Now, Mb. Soitlt 1 **
Sb— WHXH OOVLD I
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTEACTED FBOM THE DIABT OP TOBT, M.P.
House of ComtnonSy Monday NigkL February 25. — Glasne
aetting its house in order. Looal authorities haye drafted Bill
reraliraiif domestic institutioiis. One of a dlass that oome resraltfly
to Westminster. House knows nothing of particulars, bat is final
arbiter. This Bill, like many others of same kind, would have
passed without notice, if lynx eye of JxmiT Lowthbr had not
chanced to fall unon it. Horrified to disoorer its many infringe-
ments of personal liberty. Glasgae bailies well known for what
AsQUETH would call their *' almost oonyuluYe" j;mritv. Only the
other day they stenily repressed artistic enterprise wnose develop-
ment was unaocompuued by what they regard as adequacy of
olothin|(. In this Bill their leave nothing untouched.
^PPuy. whustlinff 4m the Sabbath is a crime lonr ago stamped out
on the banks of the Clyde. But there are other habits indigenous to
headlong youth whidi Glasgae is determined toirut down. Boys have
been known, for example, unlawfully to run behind a tramcar, fol-
lowing up the yehiele wi^ fdonious intent of obtaining a free ride,
probably in the opposite way they were going when they met the
conyeyance, and were attracted by the opportunitir furnished by the
conductor collecting fares on the roof, lliey would be well advised,
after the Glasme Corporation Police Bill is passed, to forego that
delirious delignt. As Cboss, apologetically presenting himself as
Glasgae dtisen and Glasgae Member, put it, if the Bfll passed^ no
cat could catdi a mouse, no dog might wonr a rat in Glaspe, with-
out being subject to a penally of forty snillings. A similar fine
awaits a man upon convietion of having exposed to puUio view a leg
of mutton, unless it be decently dnmed.
Effect oi Bill upon Caldwbll a little painful to Memben sitting
near hinu ^Lashed Mmself into appalling fury. Desiring, with
national economic instinct^ to make one effort simultaneously serve
two puipoees, he pitched his voice in a key upon which, whilst osten-
sibly addressed to Bpsakhr in Chair, it might be heard in Glasgae.
Something weird-looking about Caldwell when he thus from his
seat in House of Commons whispers in ear of constituents in far-off
Lanark. The starUed stranger crossing Palace Yard and hearing
the voice grow more thundrous as he advances, pictures to himself a
man in a towering rage. Beaching House be will find upright
behind Treasury Bench a man decentiy dressed in black, without
the slightest flash of expression on his face, roaring with vdume of
soui^ that would cause to blush anv stray bull of Bashan medita-
tivdy making its way down Saudehsll Street, pricking up its ears at
the reverberation brought northward across the timorous Tweed.
As Cawmhl-Babnebicav, suffering on the benoh below, observed.
*' It really doesn*t seem fair that a man should, with perfectiy placid
face and mien, continuouslv roar in this fashion. If he were in
Glasgae under this Police Bui, he would immediately be wrapped up
in a decent doth and fined forty shillings."
Bunnesi <2(ms.— Abqutth moves for leave to bring in Welsh Dis-
establishment Bill. '* Sheer political cant of the most nauseous
kind," was Hioks-Bjsach's gemal description of Homb Sbcbbtabt's
argument.
Tuesday,--** The world," said Chbsnxt, speaking just now in
debate on Evxbbit*8 motion. ** is divided into two classes, people who
understand the subject, and people who do not The former are all
Mmetallist. the latter are gradually gmng over."
I fancy I must be going over ; certainly I don't understand the
subject Thankful, uieroore, for opportunitjr to hear Evebitt
discourse on it A tall, grave-looking man, with a touch of sad-
ness suggestive of long raooding over bimetallic theories. In full-
ness of ctesign to instruct House, went back all the way to Juuns
Cjesab. Finally arrived in Garden of Eden ; recalled fact that ori^-
nally, in time of primeval peace and prosperity, two people walked in it
This principle of duality ran through everything. *^ There are, for
example," said Evbbxit, swinging nis pince-nez between finger and
thumb in convincing manne r, white com and red com, white
grapesand black|grapes."jr (" White j^4j|i^ grey sand,"^iuni5^
120
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARTVARL
[Maboh 9, 1896.
QUITE CORRECT.
Lady VisUor (looking out on plaiygroumd). ** Ah, thmbm akb all
THV GiBLS, AND MT LFITLS GiBL AMONG THSM 1 WHAT ARB TBBT
DOING t" SeKoolfiMreas. '*Thkt'bx making A Snow-Woman."
Lady Fintor. "A Snow what?"
Sehoolmiatress, ** Mr Toung Ladiss ask not allowkd to maks
A Snow-Man 1 "
WiLVBiD Lawson, waking up out of deep.) ** Nature has given 1o
each of us two eyes for the oommon purpose of sight, two ears
to hear withal, two hands and two legs." (** What about the Isle
of Man?" asked Rochfobt Maouibk. '* Understand they haye
three legs there.")
** We are created in two sexes," Etkbstt oontiniied, half closing
his eyes and paying no attention to the voioe of the scomer ; ** whose
highest purpose is fulfilled only when they are married."
Here ne opened his ejes and glanced significantly at Magitibs.
Rochfobt blushed. Wished he hadn't inteorfered.
These arguments, new in controversy of long standing, proved sur-
prisinglT conclusive. Squibs of Malwood spoke for hour and a
half, vehemenUy declaring that he would have nothing to do with
bimetallism, would not touch it with a pair of tongs.
** Sorry to interrupt the right hon. gentleman," said Evkbbtt ;
** but he has Just alluded to another insUnce of the infinitude of the
principle of wiality. Did any hon. Member ever see a toug ? No,
always a pair. Toufours two, as the French say."
SaniBX finished up by announcing he would accept Eyibjstt^s
amendment, though most careful to protest that it really meant
nothing, least of aU approval of the heresy of bimetallism.
** You may say what you please," said Coubtnkt; "sokmgasyou
take our resolution."
Then the bimetallists jubilantly went home arm in arm.
**Arm in arm, of course," said Evbbbtt, driving off in a ^air-
wheeled hansom. *' Still another illustration of the irresistible,
illimitable principle of duality. Wish, by the way, I 'd mentioned
when on the subject that tiie result of marnaffe is occasionally twins.
One of those things— or should I say two of those things F— a f eUow
always thinks of on the staircase."
Business done,SQjjmE OF Malwood, swearing he would ne'er
consent to bimetallism, oonsented to adopt resolution put forward by
bimetallists.
Friday^ 2 A.1C — Few people know, even suspect, what takes plaee
here when we have a *' meht wi' Bums," or ratiier an early nunrning.
Not known, because few Southerners remain to witness orgie: no
English paper reports it. According to benefioent Standing Order,
ordinary debate stands adjourned at midnight. Members go home,
whether work in hand accomplished or not. One curious exception
to rule. Scotch Members, accustomed to get a littie more for their
money than other sections of community, managed to carry amend-
ment whereby matters relating to educational affairs North of the
Tweed may be discussed all night if neoessaiy. Accordingly, from
time to time, when ordinary husiness of sitting wound up, Sooteh
Members dan together and make a night of it.
W Happened just now. At midniftht Welsh Disestablishment Bill
brouffht in ; Members troop off leaving what Jokim irrevprentiy calls
** a Piot selection of Soots." Business on hand related to Universities
(Sootland) Act, 1889. So it appears on Order. First business actually
is to bring in the haggis. Macfablank told off for thiR dut^, because
he's only member who, being resident in London, has his kilt handy.
Also there is a subtie, inexpressed feeling that his flowing beard (when
it can be kept out of the haggis-didi) gives a bardic appearance to
ceremony. Dr. Fabquhabson preceeds him with bagpipes, which
seemed to-night to have just a sliji-ht touch of influenza. Caldwkll
brews a peck o' maut ; ** Cald without" they call it, in spite of the
rising steam and the stirred-up sugar. But a Scotchman, as Donald
CuBBix admite, is not to be done out of a joke on account of a few
awkward details in the way of matters of fact. No pipes are allowed
except thoee in FABauHABSON's hands, but they manage to face
depnvation, and have, on the whole, a merrv evening. Joining hands
round teble, on which lav the astonished Mace, we sang ^^Avid Lang
Syne " just now, and so nome to bed.
Don't quite know what becamA of the Universities (Scotland) Act,
1889. Fancy we repealed it Bvuiness done (earUer in siUing), —
Welsh Disesteblishment Bill brought in.
Friday , Midnight.—Bwt dav's work since Session opened. At
morning sitting Asquith moved for leave to bring in two important
measures, and got it. If things go on at this rate Homk Srcbktabt
will soon DC known as Ask-with-Suogess. At night useful discus-
sion on Post Office contract with Telephone Company. When Sage
OF QuKEN Anne's Gate interposed everybody thought h^ was going
to show that all the evil dilated upon came from having Pbemdeb in
the House of Lords. Didn't even mention Bosebert, unless he
meant to include him in condemnation of ** financiers and other dis-
reputable persons."
Business <^ne.— Bills brought in to Amend Factories and Work-
shop Act and Truck Acte.
THE! TRUTH ABOUT THE COLD-TUBBER.,
He had read of the frigid fanatics ^o tub
In a pool in the Park throngh the ice,
So he took a rough towel his body to scrub.
He sped to the Park,— ^uite avoiding the
Pub,—
He stripped in a blizzard.
Which pierced to his gizzard.
And shrivelled his skin till he looked^e
a lizard.
Plunged, shuddered, shrank, stammered,
*^How n-n-n-n-ice ! "
But when through the laurels I happened
to glance,
I found he was— ddng the Serpentine Dance,
With a stiff frozen towel, ten paralysed toes,
And an unripe tomato in place of a nose I
^^^^^^tlC-^-fl
aUEER aUEBIES.
PuBE Bevebages.— What is cocoa F I wnie to ask because our
grocer says it has just been legally dedded that a mixture containing
eighty per cent of flour and sago, and the rest genuine nibs, deserves
to be ciOled by that name. Is this really the law P He also tells me
that in the Navy our sailors quite enjoy a cocoa that is half composed
of *' foreign fats." If so, is our Admiralty justified in getting itsfat
from abroad instead of supporting home industries f And when Jack
Tar asks for cocoa, ought not he to ^et it? At all evento, I have
decided to pay my grocer's next bill with eighty per cent, of French
pennies, and see how he likes that /—Soul of Honoub.
An Additional ** Laboub of Hebcules."— To fill, for the second
time, the post of Governor of the Gape and High Commissioner of
South Ainca, to whidi Sir Hebcules Kobinbon is appointed.
"AlonbI AlonbI"— Very likeawaiL It has a sad sound. hat
not a bad look when written as '* A Loan in London." Specially if
it be the American. ^lym^ou uy ^^ ^-^ ^*^ ^*^ ^3^ b. ^w
Kaboh 16, 1896.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
121
CS^
THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
- SympMeHc VisUor. '*PooB dear Mb. Smith, how hb must sitffbb w^th all tsat
SnBBZINO and Ck>FOHIKG."
Ifff. amith. " Hb dobb, ikdbbd ; but tov can't think how it amusbs thb Babt 1"
THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING CONSISTENT.
(A DramuUie Forecast (tfthe Faitu ofOu
Futwrt,)
BaoTR^Smoking^roam of the Toy Club.
Reformed memhere sipping lemon-
squashes and inhaling tea-leaf cigarettes
imd rea€ling ** The Happy Hearth " and
periodicals of a similar character.
First Member, I am heartily glad tliat the
oonmittee dedded to change the name of the
dub from the Handioap to the Toy, as it has
hfoaght an influx of such extremdy eligible
members. The bishop is perf eotly cnarming.
Second Member. Qnite so, ana really the
arohdeaoon's stories are first rate. I sappose
yon heard his anecdote about the pew-oiMoer
who tii'^nrht that matins were a sabstitate
ioroU-clothf
First Mem, Excellent, it was told me jes-
terday by Ihe Lord OhanceUor of Bntiih
XJndiscoyeredland. And how mwdb. better it
is that we are not allowed to bet in the old>
fashioned way. When you come to think of
it, there was somethinff amazingly demoralis-
ing in oermitting a Groinea Club Sweep for
the Derby.
Second Mem. I f«hould think so t I giye
yon my word that I pat my name down in
every single sweep in the old Handicap for
fifteen yf are, and never once drew a starter.
First Mem, My exi^rience too. Have yon
heard whether there is to be any sabstitate
for the sweep thiRvear P
Second Mem. Why, yes. I was told by a
member of the Beoreation Committee that all
members taking the bread-and- milk Inncheon
daily for a week aie to have chances for the
Grand Derby Bace Christmas Tree.
First Mem. Isn't a Christmas Tree a little
too late or too previoas in Jane?
Second Mem. Well, yes ; bat then it was
said that once the Derby was ran in a snow-
storm, and so we mi^t take it that some-
times we have winter in sammer.
First Mem, I see. Have yoa any idea what
the prizes are to be f
Second Metn, Oh, some of them will be very
handsome. I am told that the tree is to be
decorated with tea-cozies and silver-moanted
blae spectacles.
JFVrs^ Mem, Beally I I shall not forget to
take my one o*clock bread-and-milk regu-
larly in the coffee-room for the next week.
I suppose yoa have quite .given up yoor
betting-book P i 4f^
Second Mem, Well, no, because you see
the Act permits betting in moderation, and
under proper restrictions. For instance, I
am quite prepared to take seven to one against
Snuffbox for the Hardbake Selling Stakes,
only of course it must be in peppermint drops.
First Mem, (producing bettma-book). Well,
I would accommodate you if I were not
overburdened with peppermint-drops. Make
it brandy-balls, and i will do it in ounces.
Second Mem, (referring to beUing-book), I
am not particularly fond of that sweetstnfl,
but I think I can act as commissioner for my
aunt. (Enters bet,) Is your list full for The
Band of Joy Two-year-Old Caudle Cup P
First mem, (after reference to oetfing'
book), WelLIdonH mina backing my opinion
about the Churchwarden's County Council,
Do yon know his price P
Second Mem, 1 see in the Charity Box of
last night that he was in considerable demand
at Tattersall's. As much as two to one in
Abyssinian sugar-sticks was taken freely. I
don't mind letting you have a pound of mixed
bisouits to an ounce of Everton toffy, if that
will suit vou.
First Mem, All light. (Makes entry tn
betting-book.) And now I really must go.
First Mem, What, are you off P
Second Mem, Why, yes. I want to see my
stockbroker. I have daite a heavy flutter on
in connection with these new Carbonate of
Soda Mines. If they don't go up a bit before
the next account I may lose a oool thousand.
First Mem, Just my case. However, I
shall be able to pull through, as now that
gambling is inrohibited on the turf and in the
dub, there is more money available for
different T)urposes. "«^t'» '
[Exeunt for the City.
TOrCOMNNA.
Thb jocund spring, in season ripe.
Her reign of gladness hath commenced.
Each shc^erd mends his broken pipe.
Each nymph knows wdl
The suotle spell
By which she'll soon be influenz'ed.
Then tarry not, beloved maid.
Nor make thy worshipper endure
Such woes as haunt him who 's afraid.
And yet desires
To think Love's fires
Alone have raised his temperature !
What though the crocus still delays P
No fragrance hath it sweet or rare ;
The snowdrop pale let othen praise ;
We need not yet
The violet
When eucalyptus fills the air I
Away with winter's peevish woes!
We'll wander though the meadows green
Or where the babbling river flows.
And on the brink
We'll sit and drink o
Akbroeial tincture of quinine.
TO*. omL
133
PUNCH, OB THB LONDON GHAMVARI.
[Maboh 16. 189B.
Digitized by
Google
16, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVIRI.
123
''OVBE!"
Or, TheBaUUt^iheBatB.
The Lion tnd the Skngaroo
Fif htinff for the Crowns
The Lion Beked the Eangtroo—
Helped by Mirter Bmowir !
BatOeofihsBaUu!.'*
Or SiODDAST— spLendid name I^
fi liig the nptiuoiu renown.
Whan our boTi to battle oame,
All to win the Cricket down ;
Though Anitralia onoe again the toaa had
won*
But the Britons took their stand
In a bold determined band.
An d the Best Bat in the Land
Led them on.
Like *'Lemthan'' inform.
Little GBseosT bad on,
Booghlj D ASLDre made it warm.
And OsoBex Gifrit, fadeless one,
Smote oar trondlers with a ooolness quite
sabHme.
Jbwr— OfM— Jbur/ The "wire^ sosaithi—
There was sQenoe deep as death.
And oar boldest held nis breath
For a time.
But tiie hopes of England flashed
On that miffhtj Melboame green ;
How yoang Wasb and Sioddasi roshed
O'er tbe spaee those stamps between I
Sixtj-eight oar Captain piled, and the fan
Cool MAiTr,Ainnf kept afive ;
Wiih Siz-Sowel Bob Pkel did striye.
And oar score was Three— Bigh^Five
Ere 'twas done I
Australia onoe again!
And the scoring does not slaok.
May kind hcayen avert the rain,
Im Oie last bat hies him back I
At good shots how the cheers break and boom
Bound the rinff I— and oh I the wail
At the click cfflTing bail.
As the T^^^h^rdf""^^" hail
Pelts— like doom I
Good Gbzt Giobox, the Australian Chief,
Smote again his swashing bbws.
lOngled sounds of joy and grief
From tiie Molboiurne ring arose I
When the stamps again are drawn for the
day
Bbockwxll, prey to bad luck's blight.
Is again out m the fight,
Wasb and Sioddasi in, to smite
As they may.
Two — six — nine more runs to make I
And one leading wicket down I —
Old Wivld, let^ne echoes wake
With the honoured name of Baowir.
Yorkshire Beowv the last selected, but not
least,
OhI to see him smite and run.
With Lancashire's mat gun.
Albot Wabd, to share the fun
ITotafeastl
One-fortrl IHnety-three t
ThoagL for onoe, stout Sioddast failed.
That left few more runs, d'ye see f
And though Tboit and GnTBir hailed
At the stamps, and JaUtis watched Hke a cat.
Young MAfii.ATww and Bob Ful
Wonihe match dap off the reel.
BysixwicketsI Howd'yefeel
JoEW,9ttkatt
Oat nake the yiotor then
(Am we echo him o'er the wave),
** Ye are brothers, trumps, and menl
And it was tiie narrowest ihaye
That yietory to us Britons did allot.
That Grown, as is but meet.
GRATITUDE.
PaHmU (eured, amd Utmng the hotpital^—to Nur$e\
TOVB GOODNESS — I SHALL HBySB FOBOBT IT 1 Iv
Foir'BS oral"
I THANK TOV KINDLY, MlBS, FOB ALL
■YBR THHRn WAS A FALLEN HANOEL,
We will lay at England's feet
But by GsosoE, you 're bad to beat~
GsoBax'sLotI"
Now joy. Old England raise
For lihe tidings of that fiffht
Gallant Stoddast crown with bays!
When the wine-cup brims to-night
ITm name will sound the loudest midst the
roar.
Thanks to him, and lOster Bbown,
And some others of renown.
We still keep the Cricket Crown
0^ our shore.
But though Llon-SiODDABi wears
That_miud wreath, tiie Kangaroo
(" Old £m" QmSi fairiy iSarea,
With his good and gallant crew.
The best honours of the game they f ought to
save.
At the wickets far from flats,
Li the field they were like cats.
So here's power to the Bats
Of tiie Brave
JOHN 8TUABT BLAOEEB.
(Died iU BdMurgh, Saturday, Mmreh 2, 1896,
m Am 86<A y«0r.)
Thou brave old Scot I And art thou gone f
How mudi of lif ht with thee 's depiurted I
Philosopher— yettnll of fun.
Great humorist— yet human-hearted ;
A Caledonian— yet not dour,
A scholar— yet not dry-as-dusty ;
A nietest— yet never sour I
0, stout and tender, true and trusty
Octogenarian optimist.
The world for thee seemed ave more sunny*
We loved thee better for eaoh twist
Whidi streaked a soul as sweet as honey.
We shall not see tAy like againi
We've fallen on times most queer and
And oft shall miss the healthy brain
And manly heart of brave old Blacxh I
y llbn. R. says she wouldn't miss the Naval
and Military at Sandown for anything.
124
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON OHA.RIVARL
[Mabgh 16, 1895.
USEFUL HINT.
{F(fr mrmowUing the Swow-dHfU w\eniev9r they may he^ cu they A^w been till quUe reeenUy, heaped up heh4nd mod o/ihe Fenaee,)
Sporteman (vrith Spade). " Wovldk't be without it fob the wokld, Old Chap 1 Had to dio ktsilf out no less thah
Three Times to-dat I "
IN TNE COURT OF COMMON SENSE (LATE PLEAS).
{Be/ore Mr, JusUee Season.)
His Lordflliip asked whether Brown y. Joties was ready?
Mr. Bands. No, my Lord. 1 am requested by my learned friend,
Mr. WiGOB (who is in the Strand), to say that nnfortnnately
Sis Lordship {interruptina). Oh, yery weUI if jihe parties do not
take sufficient interest in the matter to appear here at the proper
time, I shall assume that the whole affair is friyobns, and strike it
out. Next case please.
A Mr. Smith rose in the body of the Court aiijd said that he
appeared in person*
Mis Lordship. Is the defendant here ?
Mr. Bands. I appear for the defendant, my Lord, Mr. Skookb.
Allow me to say that
Mis Lc^rdshtp (mttsmt&ting)^ No, no, Mr, Banbs ■ your turn will
come by-and-by. 1 will hmr what tie plaintiff hat to say first.
Now you. Sir— I meftB Mr* Smith— what ia it all about P
The plaintiff then entered into a lengthy narratiTe of certain
neirotiatione abont the purchase of a house.
//ijf Lordship [int&rrupting)^ Do you want to buy the place, now ?
Smith, No, my Lord, at least —
Mr,
Mk Lordship. You taid no, and I suppose you meant what you
said. And now, Mr. Baitds, does vou elient want to fiell the house F
Mr, Sands {protnnti!/^. Certainly not, my Lord ; but perhaps you
will allow me to explam*
His Lordjihip. Eiplauation absolutely uimeceBBary. No order,
and Mr. SNOitKf^t as he has g-one to the expense of iiiBtructing (to my
mind absolutelr uoneeeeBarilf ) oounflel, will have the pleasure of
paying for the luxury. Next ease*
lu this instance both the Otigants appeared in person. The
question in dis^te was a right-of-way.
His Lordship. Now, gentlemen, although you haye elected to
appear before me without any intermediary, I am bound to tell you
that if the matter is carried further— to superior courts— you will
find yourselyes both landed in heayy ooets. What do you say,
Mr. JoHFSOir F
Mr. Johnson {one of the liiigants). Well, of course, my Lord, I
don't want that ; but if I win my cause, wny M^. Thompsok will
haye to pay for us both.
Sis Lordship. Gome, come ; I see there is a good deal of personal
feeling in this matter. Take my adyice and settle it amioabhr. I
do not sit on this bench to encourage gambling, but if either at you
has in his posseesion, what I belieye was called by Mr. Box in the
case of Box yersus Cox, a ** tossing " sixpence, you might come to
an understanding in fiye minutes. I will wait until you haye con-
ferred with one another.
The litigants upon this inyitation held a consultation.
Mr. Johnson. It is all ri^ht, my Lord. I called heads, and- —
His Lordship (interrupitng). I don*t want to hear anything about
that so long as Box and Cox— I should say, Johnson and Thomp-
son— are satisfied, the rest is immateriaL And now, is there any
further business before me F
His Lordship was informed that there were ten causes to be heard,
and that all the parties were in attendance.
His Lordship. Am I to understand that not only counsel but their
clients are present.
Mr. Bands (after consuUatton), Certainly, my Lord.
His Lordship. Then allow me to address them en bloc. Now I
am quite sure tnat a few minutes' conyersation amongst yourselyes
will set eyerytfaing right. Commence with the yery sensible
assumption tiiat anything is better than litigation, and see what
comes of it. I will retire to my room to let you haye a chat in com-
fort. When you are all ready, send for me. But mind, take my
adyice^ and hold to the sensible assumption that anything is better
than httgation.
His Lordship then retired, and the parties interested acted upon
his suggestion. After a quarter oi an hour's conference the Judge
was summoned into Court
His Lordship. Well, and what is the decision F
Mr. Bands (in a melancholy tone). May it please your Lordship
all the cases haye been settied out of court.
His Lordship. So much the better. And now as I haye cleared off
my entire Ust, I bid you an affectionate f arewelL
The Court was then adjourned sine die.
Sfaxsfeass's AoyiGE afteb ths L. C. C. Election.^** Furnish
out a Moderate Table."— TVmon of Athens^ Act III., Scene 4.
Maboh 16, 1896.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON OHARIVAM.
126
CJl .
SO VERY NATURAL.
FirU Friend (sympaiheUcaUy), " Going stbono, Old Chap t"
Second Friend {preoeeupied with recent elections), " Modsrati. And
Tout" First Friend. *'Um~pboobx88INO."
Second Friend {with only one idea). *' Pboobsssivs 1 Thxn wx shall
FIOHT IN THE L. C. C."
First Friend, " L. C. C. 1 No, no 1 I mbant thx Invluxnza 1 '
TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.
{By Mr. Punch's own Short Story 4eUer,)
I.— THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS, (conclxtdbd.)
A DIM mysterious light was burning in the stall of the saored
animaL By its rays I was able to see not only the hippopotamns
itself, bat also the gaping hole in the skylight through whidi
Gandbsdown and I had been thus fortuitouslT projected into its
manff er. The walls I noticed were thickly panelled with gold slabs,
on wnioh were chased mystic emblems connected with the cult of tiie
gigantic beast. Here and there a glittering jMjint caught the lijrht
and gaye it forth again in a thousand fantastic iridescent ravs. One
of these was aboye my head, and as I gazed at it I reaUsed that it
^as a huge ruby of the first water. In the manger itself were lying
shiyered fragments of the skylight. I picked one of these up wim
all possible circumspection. It was a magnificent piece of the rery
finest diamond. Without another word I crammed all I could lay my
hands upon into my pockets and those of Gands&dowk. Then I
paused to reflect
The situation was not an eas^ one. We had arriyed, indeed, at our
goal ; but how should we contnye to get away with our booty f No
doubt we could manage to elude the yigilanoe of the guardis if we
returned alone. But this was not to be thought of. Either we would
take the hippopotamus with us or perish where we lay. I com-
municated my resolye to my companion, and, as I expected, obtained
his emphatic approyaL What then was to be done F
All tiiis time, I should state, the huge object of our adyenture was
calmly munching his eyening meal of soaked rice within three inches
d thejplaoe where Gandbbdowk and I lay huddled up together. I
saw his immense jaws rise and fall with the regularity of some
enormous machine, and I was able to look right down into the
oayenums recesses of his being. His eyes twinkled oooasionally with
a iidekaig look at us, but he seemed caun aadundistarbed, as tliough
he felt that we could not escape him, and that when he had done
with his rice there was (double bonne bouche waiting for him in. the
comer of his manger. ' '.> '^
At this moment the shrill yoio *of a Muezzin*" sounded weirdly
through tiie stillness the snmmerCniirht.^ .Three' times he caJlecL
and then once again al was stilL A^minutefor so afterwards I heard
a dull tramp, as of a regiment, coming towards the place in whidi we
were sheltered. What could it mean r l.tookl out my watch. The
hour was fifteen minutes after midnight. And then, by a sudden
effort of memory. I remembered that the dear old Mbbbhot had told
me that at this hour eyery night a crowd of fanatical priests and
attendants, armed eyery one of them to the yery teeth, came to the
stable of tneir saored brute in orderHo take him out for an hour's
promenade through the ^yes and ayenues that surround his shrine.
The danger, then, was imminent. If we were disooyered nothing
could saye us, and we should perish miserably with our prize within
our grasp. My mind was instanUy made up.
*' Gandbbdowk," I whispered; *'haye you eyer been inside a
hippopotamus f "
^'^Neyer ; but I was once told by a dir^ littie urchin to ^et inside a
horse— why, I know not, as the attempt for a man of my eize "
" Enouffh of that, Gandbbdowk ; you haye got somehow or other
to get inside this hippopotamus."
*^ All right," said the migor, who. as I haye said, neyer displayed
the least trace of emotion ; ** all ri^ht. I suppose I had better take
. ,. ^ , without
one. Tou neyer know what may come in usefuL"
I took it from him and bade him prepare for the plunge. Nearer
and nearer sounded the tramp of tlie adyanoing pnests. I judged
that we had exacUy three minutes left, and I told Gakdebdowk that
the next time the animal's jaws were open to their widest he was to
S) down head first, and trust to prpyidenoe and me for the rest
ANDBBDOWN needed no further incitement. Kissing a locket con-
taining a specimen of his wife's hair he extended his arms aboye his
head in correct diyinff attitude, and, as the gigantic mouth opened
slowly, sprang forwara and in a moment disappeared within this Hying
yault. As he did so, I passed a loop of the leather thoufr firmly oyer [
the beast's lower jaw. fitting it in where there are gape in the teeth.
As I anticipated, ne did not notice this, being entirely taken up with
the surprise of receiying his human cargo. I then took the ends of
the thong in my hands, and, as the step of the leading priest sounded
at the door, I, too, leaped into the oayity in which Gandbbdowk had ',
so braydy preceded me.
There are some things in my life that I do not care to dweU upon.
Description, howeyer yiyidly it may serye to paint the dauntless
courage that has eyer borne me safe through dangers, can only ffiye
me pain by recalling to me the horrors and the tenors through whidi
I hiuL to pass. The inside of the Pink Hippopotamus was one of
these awful situations. Let it suffice to say that I found Gandbb-
dowk aliye, but stertorous, and that I was able to relieye him by
undoinjff his shirt-collar. I had my compass. I had a pair of excel-
lent reins. Why say more y To this day the Gnazis and Mollahs, and
the tribe of Hippo-worshippers who are still to be found inhabiting
the rocky mountain fastnesses of Jam Timoya, haye been unable to
realise why the beast they prayed to should haye suddenly taken it
into Ms head, some forty years ago, to make straight for the Dia-
mond City instead of returning, as was his wont, to his gilded stalL
But so it was.
• •••••
When we arriyed at my headquarters, after I know not how many
days, and emerged from our dose confinement it was early in the
morning. But my father and the Mbbbhot wero ready to welcome us.
** Sorra one ay ye," said the fine old Mbbbhot, '* did I eyer expect
to see in this yale of sorrow, where the schemes of the wibkea are
like a butter-sUde in a pantomime.
But I guess you 'ye put the thing
through, my son and thero 's nane
ither of a' that come ben the hoose
that could haye played Billy the
Baker's Boy with the Ranee's Pink
Hippo."
The Banee was of course deposed,
and the Mbbbhot was instaUed in
her place. He offered me the com-
mand of his army and a salary of
two hundred laks a year. But I
had had enough of the country, and
soon afterwards left for England,
taking the saored animal with
me. Unfortunately, howeyer, it died at sea of home-sickness, and
had to be consigned to the deep in latitude 251, longitude 42*3, 1
had grown quite attached to the poor beast, and it used to f olbw me
about like a dog, making all kii^ of funny noises to express its
affection for me, and eating out of my hand with remarkable tame-
Its loss was a great uow to me. [thb bnd.
Supporting himself on a single Tip.
126
PONCai, OB THB LONDON CHARIVARL
[Maboh 16, 1896.
THINGS BETTER LEFT UNSAID.
H%»b<Mii and Sod (tooMi; tip flmn
DTJXIi. I 'yB OOT a DBIASnrL HABIT OF
Chutt. "Dull, kt dkab FiLLowt It's mxtbb dvu. hkbx whbn rotr'Ki AslkxpI"
vMlfraHdial ouwm). "What— «ODrof Ok, I'k AntAis tou must hatb fouxs it tbbt
fiAprraa atob DnnnB t"
SILENT!
[" He (the late Ismail Pasha) did not conoeal hii opinion that Egypt
should be left to the Egyptians, but admitted that a strong Qoyemment was
indispensable. He thought that in any ciroumstances a great deal would
depend upon the oharaoter of the Ehediye. Ismail belieyed that if the
Khediye were a competent and energetic ruler, a sati^utory state of
affairs nught be estabUshed in Egypt wi&in a Tery short time."^'* TimM **
Vimmm ChrrupondmU,']
Could Pxhtaoub, the Copt poet-laureate, eoribe, bard and friend of
theEing,
Sing now. as aforetime to Rahbsbs, how, and of what ahonld he
angr
Of Nile giyen up to the Giaour, its increase made o*er to the Jew
Modem Phabaoh would gladly let go with his bonds and his power
Of Ra superseded by Apis, of Raiobbbs bluffed by JoHir Bttll,
Of the pnde of the pashas overthrown, of the oup of the feUaheen
Should he sing of the anfer of Abbas, the fretful and furious boj.
Who with tantrums, and toys, and intrigues, would the oounseu of
Gbombb destroy?
Nay, for he sang of heroes and men, of the might of Tiotorious gods,
And not of a petulant dhild witli the dharge of Msdiampions at
odds.
Or of journalists iuggling with wards, or financiers Joblnng with
bonds.
Young Abbab fares forth to the Sphinx, to the secular Sphinx, that
responds
To none saye the fate-ordered questioner. Look at that stony set
face.
Whidi the passing of many an empire, the waning of many a race
Hath seen in its stare o'er the sand-wastes I It Pbntaoub beheld
initsnride;
And now the boy Abbas, in eager-eyed question, creeps dose to tiie
Of the age-battered Orade I HistI All tiie desert is still as tiie
sky.
Do the Toioes of forty fled centuries sound on the breeze that
breathes by f
Bear theymeanings the Frank would aodaim, or the latter-day
Hebnw approve Y
Those y oioes are hard to interpret, that Sphinx is not easy to move.
It would speak with the music of MnaroB, in Abbab's ears, did
it say [away.
The Frank shall return whence he came, and the Briton betake him
Yet Ismail the shrewd, the unscrupulous, knew what young Abbas
must learn.
That a Goyemment strong to subsist, which no blast of intrigue can
o'ertum, [of old.
Is not shapen of shifting Nile sands, broken reeds, which, like Bgn>t
But pierce through the hand that shall rest on them. Abbas the
boy may be bold.
With a thoughtless boy-boldneas, but is he the Khediye keen
Ismail foresaw,
Of character Established on justice, of force firmly founded on law f
Poor boy, eager-eyed, half exultant, he lifts, half inquiry half
^aint, [faint
Bib Voioe of Appeal to the Sphinx. On the air of the desert how
Sound his words, '* Js it Egypt, Sphinx, for Egyptians?" There
comes no reply, [sky.
But straight o'er the sands, as of old, staring forth to the weird desert
Unmoyed, unresponsiye, indifferent, gazes that stony face stilL
Incarnation of cabn most cdoesal, cold patience, immoyable will.
Looking far beyond time, far aboye human hope, mere midge-fret of
the day.
Into— what r There 's no mortal who knows, and the Sphinx, if it
know, doth not say. [a^PPMl :
'Tis silent— with silence that means not consent to the youth's wild
Still, stiU the set face which is stone gazes forth on a sky which is
stedl
THE ONE TOPIC.
First Man {imjtreMiwefy), 1 was in bed for a wedc
Second Man (tnd^erentkA. I was in bed for a fortnight.
First Man (hoastpMi/). Ah, but I had most seyere pains in my
back and head.
Second Man (conUmf^/musly). Yeiey likely. I had most seyeie
pains all oyer me.
Fhrst Man (ezuUmaly). Well, anyhow, my temperature was 108^^
Second Man [eruehmgl^). Oh, that 's noth]nfi[ I Mine was 107^.
[Fxit m opposite directions.
Thb ** Happt DisPATOH " TOR THB SwAziBS.— Thc Conyeuticn of
1894, just signed, between Sir H. Loch and President (^*PQ!I^
Ebitoxb. O
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHIRIVARI. -March 16, 1895.
SILENT !
n;/«ii+i-7/^/-i Kx
Little Khkdiyb. **TBLL ME, GREAT SPHINX— IS EGYPT FOR THE EGYPTIANS
google
Digitized by
Google
16, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAM.
129
mQ;^
* Hi, Billt ! are tbr Moyih' ? "
BAIL UP I
A Ck)BBE8P0in>Eirr, who has been reading
Ob4T*8 ** Elegy/' Bays there is a referenoe to
the Rngland v, Australia matoh in it. He
quotes uie line^
" How jocund did they driye their tetm afield ! "
as proving his noint. The allnsion to * * driyes,"
** teams,'' ana *' fielding," he remarks, oan
hardly be misunderstood. And if they oonld,
the following line settles the matter :—
"How bow'd the wood beneath their sturdy
stroke ! "
DidnH the wood bow and bend when Bbowk
was in, he a^ks F Wasn't Wabd's on-drive
lor five a sturdy stroke P We must refer him
to Mr. Stoddabt for a reply.
PsALTXR Ain> Salta.— Aided by the oaref ol
arrangement of '* eontents " (and with regard
to '* Mr. G.'s" latest publication there are no
**no!n-oontent8'*) the reader can easily find any
passa^ in this ** Psalter." At this moment
there is another '* Salta " to whioh the atten-
tion of not a few is directed, and the non- con-
tents or anti- Jabezites know that it is very
difficult to get at him, or to find a passage
out of that Salta for J. B.
If ever there were a clergyman's name,
and title, snggestive of the Mmtanteet of the
Churoh Militant, it is ** Canon Qobx."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Baron is not aware whether the
volume before Mm, Japhet in Search of a
Father, is the first of Captain Mabrtat^s
works re-issued by Magmillak ; but the
Baron, speaking on behalf of Mr, Punch, is
indeed delighted to welcome a very old
friend, and hopes to see many more of Cap-
tain Mabrtats able and amusing crew. "If
the gallant Captain, R.N., with Ms true
Britibli sailors, cannot command a sale, who
can P" asks the Baron, and pauses not for a
reply. It is to be hooed that Midshipman
Easy is still on board. The Baron antici-
pates great pleasure from renewing the ac-
ouaintance A that gay sea puppy, dnite a
Happy Thought, — '^ Why not republish
MajlrtatP WewilL" So all hands to the
re-issue, and success to it, quoth the nautical
Babok db BOOK-WOBICS.
€k)OD Ombn.— One of the Directors of a
New Water Company is Sir Spencbb Wblls.
Everyone wcdl Imows the genuine value of
the Sparkling Wells. Will the worthy Bart.,
as lie Madchens do at the EUsa Fountain,
serve out " the Harefield " (not Hare-a@rated)
**and Springwell" waters at a much-fre-
quented bar, and be thenceforth known as
Hir Dis-pensary Wells P We wish them all
success. ** Water, water, everywhere, and
plenty fit to drink I"
TO MK8. KBBLET/
["Some time ago Hxa Majesty inquired sfter
Mrs. KasLBT, and wis informed that she was well
and in her ninetieth year. The Qubbm expressed
a wish to see her, and Colonel Collins arranged
for Mrs. Ksblbt to hare the honour of being re-
ceired at Buokingham Palaoeyesterday afternoon,
when she was presented to Hbk Majesty. The
weloome giren to the gifted lady, who so wonder-
fiilly preaerres her health, intelligence, andyiraoity,
was most craoeful and cordial; and the Qusek
was pleased to recall to mind sereral interesting
incidents of the past"— Doi^ Telegraph, Thurt-
day, March 7.]
Oh, when I was a little Eton boy.
Withaheighol I need not explain,
" The Ebelxtb" were a wondrous joy.
For they were so droll in every play.
But now I am at mid 'estate,
Withaheiriiol I need not explain.
Here 's Mrs. Ebblet tete-d-tete
With our Gracious dueen Yic-to-bi-a,
No Betsy Baker ere like you I
With a smile, smirk, I need not explain I
That rascal, gay Jack Sheppard, too.
With a " Nix, my doUy f fake away I "
I 've seen you dance and heard you sing
With a sly eye, I need not explain.
How well you acted everything
In whatever part you onose to play I
That you're about and well we know.
With a Hooray I a cheer once again I
And may you long continue so.
Till the curtain falls and ends the play.
'^Heard in Court."
Counsel, Now tell me, while you
standing as you say just in front of the de-
fendant, did anything remarkable strike you P
Pat, It did, Sorr.
Counsel, And what was that P
Pat. His list.
THE LAY OF THE BIMETALLIST.
I.
Who is Silver P— what is she.
That all our swells commend her P
Very tough and bright is she ; —
The heavens such graoe did lend her,
That adopted she might be—
That adopted she might be !
n.
Is she constant as she 's f sir P
Or is she light and heady P
Gold might to her arms repair
To help him to keep steady ;
And, being helped, inhabit diere —
And, being helped, inhabit there.
in.
Then, if Silver plays mad trioks.
Or Gold is always changing.
So that none their prioe can Hx,
From par to premium ranging —
Let us both together mix I—
Let us both together mix I
FrrriKO FnnsH.— The Portuguese financial
agent wrote last week to the Times to con-
tradict tiie report as to a ** further issue" hj
his Government of '* tobacco bonds." So this
ends in smoke^
A Blub "Tip" pob thb Univbbhitt
Racb.— With GiJCB rowing and Hopb in the
bow, the Cambridge Eight this year ought to
make a obse race of it. ^y ^-^^^-^^
ISO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI.
[Haboh 16, 1896
Maboh 16, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
131
\*c>
''ANIMAL SPIRITS"
Ko. YII.—Whili Fbosbt Out. A biosmt Skvtoh at thb Zoo.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXT&ACTEI) FBOM THE DURY OF TOBT, M.P.
H4m$e of CbmrnoiM, Monday. March 4.~Piiikob Abthvb still
awaj, daUyinir with umnenza. Raoent experience of carefully con-
iidiered. Inft not altogether sacoeesfnl effort at leadenhip by other
wiag 01 allied army doesn't make Opposition irrepressibly anxious
lor more. At least, not just at present! Jokdc shunted off themain
line: Hnnn-BiACH takes charge of train in temporary absence of
regmar rnard. To-niffht Ireland coyly comes again to front ; John
MoKUT nrings in still another Land BilL In snch circoihstanoes
Pbikce Asthus's absence, always regrettable, becomes pecoliarly
nnfortonate. He knows Ireland thoronghly, and where knowledge
fails he snp^ies the lack with inflexible oionion ; which, in an Irish
Minister or JBx-lfinister, is the next best thing to knowledge.
Happily there is CABSOir and Si. Johh Brodbick. Thcr^ repre-
sented front Opposition Bendi in Committee on Land (laestion
whibh sat last year. At one crisis, things not goin^ in Committee
exaetly as they desired to condact them, they hanghtily rose and left
tlMroom. A striking scene, ncTcr to be effaced from memory of
those iHio witnessed it. It was, or should hare been, like with-
drawal of props that sustain mightjr masonry. The temple should
forthwith have toppled, burying in its ruin the ten or twdye
Members who had differed from middle-aged youth. Nothing hap-
pened except the Committee went on with its work just as if it were
still sustained by presence and counsel of the retiniig two. Beport
was completed in sense of majority^ and here was presented to House
a Bill founded on its reoommendatu>ns.
To-night the two props of the Constitution resumed their useful
serrioe ol snstentation. Cabsok, as he mentalW struggled with tbe
problem d goreming Ireland, unconsoionsly fell into Pbihox
AiTHiJBf • ea^ but now abandoned trick' of sitting with his feet on
the table. Near him, diligently making notes whilst Jomr Moblbt
vnded his Bill, sat St. Johh Bbodbkv. "There,'' said CASfloir
has not forgoUen his Pops—
" Thsrs St. Jomk mingles with my friendly bowl
The fesit of ressoa and the flow of tooL'^
The brew thus blended did not prove Ysrv exhilarating. Word
passed round Opposition bmiches Land Bill not to be ruthlessly
opposed at this stage. With Boanerges Bussell approying it on
behalf of Ulster farmers, won't do for Unionists to show themselyes
implacable. So the friendly bowl turns out to be something of the
texture (^ a cup of tea, lukewarm and oyersweetened withal. More
sad eyen than compulsory meekness of two statesmen on front bench
is depression of SAUiTDBBSOir. The Colonel must needs ramp in on
such a question, but is pledged to fight with button on his fotL
After this unwonted spectacle House oould stand no more; grate-
fully gaye leaye to bring in BilL
Butineu <2(m0.— Irish Land Bill brought in.
IWs(2ay.— duite like old times to-ni^t. The hum of the B*s is
heard once more in the land, albeit the thermometer registers
ten degrees of frost, and eyery other Cabinet Minister is down with
influenza. It is true Bnun and Butchbe haye not yet put in
appearance; but Babtlit is here and Tomkt B., and Private
HlirfiTTBT, who is periians more of a waq;> than a bee. It is the
sunshine of Committee of Supply that has brought them out. Came
to the ^nt in discussion round money voted for improvements in
arrangements of House of Commons completed in recess. These
were undertaken by direction of Select Conimittee, which thoroughly
went into matter. Hxbbebt Gladstoivs, who has taken to df licate
duties of First Commissioner as if he had been bom in one of the
Parks, devoted much time and personal attention to seeing improve-
ments carried out. Members cominfl: back to labours of new S es si on
found House swept and garnished. New dining-room and large
8m(ddng-room ; baths and wash-houses, vdiete Parliamentary dirty
linen may be renovated.
HxBBSBT too modest to anticipate vote of thanks im his labours,
though almost any olher. man would in drmimstances look for sneh
recognition. Still, if something of that sort had been incidentally
done, no one would have been much surprised. So far from any
little embanassment of that kind arising here, Hahbvbt, in deepest
chest notes and most inflated manner, accusing him of undertaking
lane and costly woiks without first obtaining sanction of Hovise.
*^Most unoonstitutiimall " cries Toioct Bo wub, in seyerest tones.
133
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHA.RTVARI.
[Maboh 16, 1896.
THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.
SiMPLX SuooBsnoK TO Mabtxm of Hounds (Fox or Harribrs) fob
INSURING THS DIRBOTION IN WHICH THEIR PACKS SHOULD RUN.
[" If pertoni vent out hunting, and, by meant of their hounds, did damage to
other peiople who were in proper use of the highway, they must take the oonse-
quenoes. There ought to be such oommand over hounds that they should not tie
allowed to rush orer the highway."— Omntofi «/ JTw Hommr Jtk^e L-w-t m AcUon
brought hy Mr, H-gh M-rr-t againH Ron, C, B. W-rm,—'* Yorkshire F&st,'*]
Besides this, Goldsmid has a way of spoiling sport unknown
under the more benignant swaj of Mkllor, wfa^nij eyerj oim
ifl sorry to know, it down with inflnenia. To-mght, after
three hoars' disoossion npon amendment to vote for expenses
in extradition prooeedings against Jabbz Balfous, Committee
diTided ; amendment negatiTed ; Yicaet Gibbs proposes
another amendment on exactly same lines. Had it oeen pat
from the Chair, another three boors might bare been plea-
8antl7 spent repeating what bad earlier been said. Goldbmp:
podtiyely deouned to sabmit amendment, and before aston-
ished, oatraged B's bad recovered their breath the main ^ea-
tion was pat ; Committee divided; no ohiaee of retoming to
sameot
then he's depressing in other ways. When Tote been
talked roand for an hour, he attempts to pat qoestion. Up
jomps Tomer Bowlbb.
Chairman. " The qaestion is that a som of "
Tommy Bowles. " Sir Julxait Goldskid.''
Chairman {cfrntmuing^ without noticing him). " £70,000
be granted "
Tommy (raising his voics). ** Sir JuLiAir I "
Chaimian. " ^to Her Majbott to complete the sam
of "
Tommy [in MauU of a speaking-trumpet^ putting his hand
to his mouth). ''^Sir JuuAV, I woold like to ''
Chairman Uoohinq round, and throwing into hu vosee tone
of infinite pathetic, despairing reproach). ^* Mr. BowLBSl "
Then Ton mr, thus called npon, makes bis speeoh.
Business done.— Very little in Committee ot Sapply.
Friday.^ Baooen attending new device of issaing tickets
whereby seats may be appropriat»d before prayers, natoially
leads to farther development. Now proposed that replica in
wax shall be madn of all Members. These stored in crypt
When Member arriTCs jast takes up his wax image, carries
Ministry gone through long succession of crises since Session
opened. Pulled throufrE somehow ; but this new unsuspected flank
attack seemed irresistibly fatal. The buzzing of tbe B's was so
interminable, 'Anburt was so hangry, that it sepmed there really
must be some fire under tbe smoke. Sidnbt Herbert cMyalrously
came to assistance of political adversaries, thanking First Com-
miwioner on behalf of Eltohen Committee for what he nad done.
The B's, fearful of consequences of this diversion, hurried on
division: if the thing was to be done must be done quickly.
Approacn of dinner-hour had drawn awav Members ; oritiosl division
unexpected. Hanburt beheld vision of butler in Berkeley Square
entenog Preioee'r sick room with basin of beef-tea and the message,
'*My Lord, the Government's hofl." Tommt Bowles began to
think what coat he should wear when the Queen sent for him.
House cleared for division; tellers returning made known that
twenty-four had voted with the busy, now belated bees, 173 against,
rosbin^ the nunisterial majority at a single bound up to 149.
Business done.— In Committee of Suppljr.
TAurtifay.— Another pleasing night in Committee of Supply.
Opportunity favourable for showing how varied, comprehensive,
illimitable is knowledge of tbe Busy B's. On Suf^lementary Esti-
mates, the business of to-night, variety of toiACs succeed each
other. Private Hanburt at home with every one of them.
There is nothing Tojqct Bowles doesn't know. If there were,
Bartlet would supply omission. Performance a little hampered by
accident of Goldsmid'r being in Chair. Something about Juuan
depressing to high spirits. When he takes Chair and submits vote,
he succeeds in some subtle way in investing tbe proceedings with
unmistakable church service associations. He intones the vote,
and when, haying put the question, he adds, *' The Ayes have it," it
is exactly as m another place it is remarked, ** Here endeth the first
lesson."
ToMirr B. doesn't mind that. He would as soon gambol in a church
as on the quarter-deck. But it 's difierent with Georoe Cribto-
FHER Trout Bartlet, who was brooffbi up respectably, and Private
Hanburt is not altogether comfortable.
he in his seat himself. But five times oat of six onlyiooks
in now and then, and likes to know that his seat is beiag kept.
New custom will be particularly convenient on Treasury
Bench. Squire of Malwood frets at continaoas absence ot
his colleagues during debate. Sometimes foes out to look for
them, and stays away longtime himself. With wax finrers
all tms trouble obviated. TTrtpasury Bench always f uU. eiUier
with flesh or figger U Minister celled away, polls oat
label, hangs it over i]gger*s neck with legend, *'Baok in ten
minutes," or tile like. Whilst convenience of Members thus
cared for, satisfaction of stnuigers in galleries largely in-
creased. No more beggarly array of empty benches. Pos-
sibly during dinner-boar tnere may be noticeable a c<Ttain
fixed smile on faces along crowded benches ; but that better than
what we 've long been accustomed to.
Btisiness done.—BuBj B's took care that not too many Votes in
Sapply sbould be granted.
A WARM LAMENT.
(In one of the recent Intervals of Sunshine.)
PA8SER-BT, I prithee hark to me I
You wonder, maybe, why my eyelids glisten
With clinging dewy teardrops, salt as sea.
I '11 tell tbe story of my sadness. listenl
The Arctic cold we 've bad so much of late
Made every fibre of my body quiver ;
1 Ptrugried hard against relentless fate.
Then I decided I would no more ahiver.
And that 's just it My grief now knows no bounds
It crushes me; I don't know bow to bear it.
I bought a new fur coat for fifteen pounds.
And now it 's got so hot I cannot wear it
UUBEE aUERIES.— Damp abd Depbession.— I see that they
have discovered a ** Marsh Village " near Glastonbury. Would it be
of any use to write to the Society of Antiquaries and UXL them shvat
our village, and ask them to come and inq;wct it F I don't think
anythiug could well be much marshier. Even the ducks herp suffer
bsaly from rheumatism (which they don't try to suppress). We live
all the year round on deep clay, and just at present on charity. The
one thing that Soke-in-the-Miro never sees is dust. But it would
gladly see the antiquaries, who would impart a much-needed stimulus
to local trade, and could be well housed at the village inn, wbioh is
kept by my brother-in-law, so I know it to be a good one.
liABOH 23, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
13S
TO A BAD SHILLING.
I oo miBi^ ** when first I nw yomr
One or two mild objnr^tioiiB,
Nothing more.
When and whore I got you I oan
Not diyine.
All I do know is the faet that
Yon are mine.
Yea, I uHu an nnanspeoting
Sort of mnn,
Eyerybody else soBpeots you
FastenongL
Bna-oonduotors, shopmen, oabhies,
Booking-olerkB
All deoHneVon, aometimea adding
Rude remarks :
You haye danced onjBondry oonnters,
Andadyioe
Not to " try it on" *s been given me
Onoe or twioe.
Were you not a paltry " bob/' but
^ Half-a-orown,
You might be of use and saye a
Nimble "brown":
For you/d find yourself rightjquiokly
In the slot,
Were you of the right dimensions—
But you 're not.
I 'm beginning to assume a
Hang-doir air.
For I feel my oooduot's hardly
••OntheCsquare."
Now I leave church early (though I
Get there late),
Lest I may be moved to put you
In the plate I
That last spark of deoent feeling
I possess,
But my character you 've ruined,
More or lees :
80 it 's time, old newter shilling.
We should part.
Which— I lose at leut a cab-fare —
Breaks mr heart
?^CS'_^^
PRIOR CLAIMS.
Harold, "Ybs, Auntix Connie, I do lovb tou vxkt
MUCH ; BUT I LOVB Maicma B18T." (ApologtiiGdUy,)
SnC I MVT HBR FIRST I "
'You
There! I've thrown you in the river,
And at last
I oan thank my stars devoutly.
You are*' passed"!
MOBAL.
" Change u^n the counter should be
Strictly eyed ;
Afterwards mistakes can not be
Rectified."
THE NEW HEN.
{A Fable,)
A Nbw Hen wandering disconso-
lately in a country farmyard once
made the acquaintance of a onck of
the old school, when both fell into
somediscourse concerning the changes
of the modes.
**Ah," said the former, arrogantly
addressing the latter, ^'times are
indeed a good deal altered since you
were a cockerel, and all for the better,
thank goodness I Time was, and not
so very long ago either, when I was
expected to do nothing save lay eggs
and breed chickens: now, however,
my mistress must know better tluin
to exi>eot such degrading oflloes of
me, for I will neither lay the one nor
breed the othei*."
The old cock was about to offer
some remarkR in ridicule of these
sentiirents, when the housewife came
into the yard, and, snatching up the
New Hen, wrung her neck, remark-
ing to herself as she did so, that a
fowl that could neither lay eggs nor
rear chickens, had obviously no pUoe
in the economy of nature.
Nbw BsADiNO. — **A bull in a
china shop" may be Latin- Ameri-
canised with a considerable amount
of truth as "The *&m' of the
show."
THE MENU A LA MODK
CoicE, Damon, since again we've met
We'll feast right royally to-night,
Thegroaniog table shall bie set
With every seasonable delight !
The luscious bivalve . . . I forgot.
The oyster is an arch-deceiver.
And makes its eater*s certain lot
A bad attack of l^phoid fever.
With soup then, be it thick or dear.
The banquet htly may commence—
Alas, on second th^^ughts, I fear
With sonp as well we muH dispense.
The doctors urge that, in effect.
Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.
It *s full ol germs. I recollect
They say the same of beef and mutton.
Yes, each variety of meat.
As you remark, is much the same.
And we *re forbidden now to eat
Fish, oysters poultry, joint or game.
But though a Nemesis each brings.
The punishment, the doctors tell, is
As nothing to the awful things
Awaiting all who toy with jelliea.
** Cheese — that is not condemned with
these?"
Yet ample evidence we find
To make us, Davon, look on cheese
As simply poison to mankind ;
While those who mav desire to pass
Immediately o'er Charon's ferry,
Have but to take a daily glass
Of daret, hook, diampagne or ahevry.
And therefore, Dakon, you and I,
Who fain would live a year at least,
Beluotantly must modify
The scope of our projected feast ;
A charcoal biscuit we will share.
Water (distilled, of course, ) we'll swallow,
Siooe this appears the onl]^ fare
On which destruction wUl not follow !
SHAKSPEARE REVISED BY AN ALDERMAN.
" May I ask," said the worthy Alderman
Da VIES, and he might bave added, ** I ask
because * Davims mm, non (Edipus^ " —hnt
he didn't, and it was a chance lost, ** what
salary you [the witness under examination]
rec^-ivea for this conduct of yours while
secretary?" To which witness answered,
" £500 a year, and a bonus of £200." Where-
upon the Alderman remarked, ** Then all I
can say is, vou could have got many honest
men to do toe work for much less."
Quite so, Mr. Alderman, true for you ; but
if a man will act honestly for a soverdgn,
what might not the addition of ten shillings
do F It ought to make him more honest com-
paratively, while another ten shillings would
make him superlativdy honest. But how if
there were an obligation attached to the in-
crease P Just a trming deviation out of the
straight course to begin with, to oblige a
patron P
Let honesty be the drug in the market,
and the rare herb dishonesty will be at a
premium. It is gratifying to be assured, on
aldermanic authority, that Shaispxabb was
wrong, and that in future for Samleft well-
known dictum, **For to be honest as this
world goes is to be as one man picked out of
ten thousand," we must read **For to be
dishonest as this world goes is to be as one
man picked out of ten thousand."
Happy Alderman Davibs 1 In what para-
disiacal pastures must he have moved and
breathed and earned his livelihood I
CIBCLING THE SQUAEE.
Stakbino awhile at the comer crossing,
Watching a van as it lumbers past.
Something impds me to turn ana saunter
Down to the Square^ where I met you last.
Down to the Square with its formal garden
Slowly I pace— yet I scarce know why ;
Somehow I never nave since been near it.
Things have all changed sinoe last July I
There is the gate, where you fumbled sadly
Turning the kev—though I lent my aid-
There are the paths, where we strollea.in sun-
shine.
There is our seat in the chestnut diade.
Borders all empty, and paths unoared for.
Bleak, bare oranches, and murky sky—
This is the ** garden I love " no longer,
How it has changed since last July I
All that we spoke of, or left unspoken.
All that our tongues or our eyes could[say
Comes to me now, as the Square I cirde.
Clear as events but of yesterday.
Vain to remember, to care still vainer,
Tou have been married a month, and I —
I 'm a misogynist- just at present.
How wet have dianged since last July !
VOL. ovni.
134
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
rMABOH 23, 1896.
"FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
Britanma {to Lord Spencer),
To '*HBAR OLD TrIFON BLOW HI8 WRBATHBD HOBlf/'
Mt Spanoir, in raa olbjlr DiTRRiuinD manner,
Is SPIRIT-aLADDENINO ; SHOWING TOU WERK BORN
To BACK XT POWER AND UPBEAR XT BANNER 1 .
gk
■ aj. 1 < I 1 ■ >^— iB> M '■ «■»
Maboh 23, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
136
''FULL SPEED AHEAD!"
r'*The eflsentUl thing ia thmt the party now in
»mce htm loyally followed Uie example of the puty
in oppoaition, and, 'neglecting murty conaideratl
ana proyinoiAl interests, has,' as the Giyil Lor(
elaimed for it, ' risen to the roll height of its Im-
perial responsihilities.' "— !%« "2W«t" on thi
Britannia Uheerily). To '*hear old Triton
blow AiB wreathed horn,"
My Spsroni, in this dear detenmned
AlUkUUWa
Is spirit-ffladdening ; showinflr yon were bom
Ho baok my power and upbear my banner I
Driion-Speneer, Yon do me proua, Ma'am I
BooOe-tooiU-ioo !
Foghorns not in it, eh P As for those
sirens I —
Ahal Ulysses made a great to-do,
Bnt by the blue brine that your coast en-
yirons
Our marine music beats 'em out of sight I
Britannia. Especially now you blare so well
together
You ri^ conch-performers. Ah! that's
rifht.
Now I'm prepared for any sort of weather !
Triton- Spencer singe : —
BBiTAKimL 's Sea-Lady-in-Ghief ,
EooUe-toat!
And I 'm her First Lord, and a ripper.
Our chumminees passes belief,
Mootie'toot!
Lor I When she appointed me skipper
Some fancied I'd dawdle— at least, so they
said- [Aheadl
Now they see that my motto is— Full Speed
GxoBeiB Hamiltov there with Ids glass,
EooU^'-toot !
Would spy out the flaws if there were any:
Bddasd Bjod wouldn't let blunders pass,
EooUe-taot !
They 're critical coves, and won't spare any.
But bless 'em, their scrutiny J do not dread.
My motto, you see. Ma'am, is— Full Speed
Ahead!
Of course, that won't do in a fog,
BoUU'toot!
But I think there 's a clear course afore us !
Give way to old-fashioned jig-jog P
RoaOe-toot!
Nay, not by the mothers who bore us I
With a sharpish look-out, but without stint
or dread.
We blow up our horn, Ma'am, for— Full
Speed Ahead!
Old Nep may regard us with glee,
EooiU'taotT
Amphitrite may shout an *' Ahoy," Ma'am.
If you're still on for Ruling the Ma,—
BootU'toot !
To back you in that I'm the bhoy. Ma'am.
By my heart ('tis true blue), by my bcMrd
(it is red).
My motto, BBminriA, is— Full Speed
Ahead!
Britannia. Brayo, my ruddy-bearded, braye
old Triton!
Nep shouts approval from his deep-sea
grotto.
Friends need not fear for me, foes shall not
frighten,
While yon. and all my sons, stick to that
motto!
A Pasliaicentast Pabadoz.— Sir Ems
Abhmbad-Bastlett (aUae **SiLOiao") begs
the Qovemment to suppress the Boers.
CoHTALESCiDfT.— After '*a bout" of in-
fluenza, the best thing for the patient is to
be '* about again."
A FIN-DE-SI ^CLISM I
LENT.
Sunday Visitor, "la Mas. Bbowk at HoMXt"
Servant, '*No, Sir. Mas. Bbowh is platino LAWH-Taxins hxzt'dook."
Sunday Visitor, *'AaB thb Toum Ladies at HoMXt"
Servant, " No, Sib ; th»t ass at Ohvboh 1" ^^^
You would not giiess which one I mean.
Sweet girl in wmte, sweet girl in green.
Perhaps not either, do you think
even sweeter girl in pink P
It 's just as Weill should not tell
Which seemed the belle, sweet girlininnk.
So, safely vague, I simply say
Her face was fair, her laugh was gay.
A lively dance with her would cure
The worst of human ills, I 'm sure.
Her pretty face would soon replaoe
The saddest case with health I 'm sure.
MY PARTNER.
A cripple, if he had the dhaiioe,
Would tiT undoubtedly to dance;
The dullest fooL the saddest our.
Might both be channed to dance with hm ;
And here's a tip, don't let it sUd,
To cure la grippe just dance wiui b«r.
The other two might like me less
If I described the charmer's dress ;
I will not name a single stitch
To show which of them may be which ;
Pink, white or green« each one has sei
That I must mean she may bewiteh.
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Mamh 23, 1890.
THE ORIGINAL ARYAN TO THE
PROFESSOR.
I AX the Andent Aryan,
And yon hare done me wron^ —
I did not oome from Hindostanf
I Ve Ibeen here all along.
I never travelled from the East
In hnire snooeMive wavet.
You '11 find yonr anoeetors deoeaied
Inside yoor own old oavea.
There my remains may now he
sought,
Mixed up with mastodons,
Which very long with flints I fought
Before I fought with hronze.
In simple skins I wrapped me round,
Ere mats I learned to make ;
I dug my dwellings in the ground.
Or reared them on a lake.
I had no pen— I 'm sure of this,
Although you say I penned
All manner of theologies
In Sanskrit and in Zend I
My nature you 've misunderstood*
When first I sojourned here,
I worshipped chunks of stone or
My rites were rather queer I
The more my little ways you scan
llie less you'll care to praise
And hless the dear old Aryan
Of Neolithic days.
They ' ve mixed me up, till I declare
I hardly can report
Whether I first was tall and fair;
. Or I was dark and short.
But on two things I take my stand.
Through all their noise and strife,
I didn't oome from Asia : and ;
I had no Higher Life I
THE TIP OBLIQUE.
Ferffer (to over-generous FisUor), '* I Bxo Toim pardon, Sib.
No GrATUITIIS— IB—AT PBISBMT. BUT— EB— THB DbAK WILL
HAVE PASSED IN TwO MlNUTES, SiB 1 "
THB HIGHEE CMTICISM.
QaaKm-AMih&r at hds detk, iHtk
Newepaper ChMnge htfern Mm.
Author.
*'iTHi(Critics' oomments I 'U peruse,
And I will profit hy ;
I/ll«find out what they most
ahuse.
And strive to reotify.I,**
'* His work unequal as we read.
We think upon the whole
This author almost would succeed
H nearer to his goaL''
Second Critic,
** H 8 serious pages suit us well,
Kevealing thought and heart ;
But he is quite imhearahle
When trying to be smart 1 **
Third Critic.
' * Some sprightly pages from his pen
With pleasure we have reaa;
But if he moralises, then
He 's heavier than lead I "
Ihvrth Critic.
*' Wehy the eye of faith can see-
It isn't from his books^-
He is not such a fool as he
Invariably looks."
Fifth Critic.
** This author's pages needs most
A sympathetic mind, — [thrill
Of subtle knowledge, tender skill.
Deep pathos, wit refined.*'.
Sixth Critic.
'* A mass of folly more intense
Experience oan*t reoalL
We tried to find one shrrd of
There ie not one at all/ **
[BxU Author, tearing hie hair.
THE SONG OP THE SLUGGARD
'TwAS tiie voice of the sluggard, I heard him hooray
As he turned in his bed at the dawning of day ;
At ^< early, risina— that fraud— is found out I
Henceforth pngs will leave me alone, I 've no doubt !
•• lliey 've preached at me ever since Solomon's time,
^d no doubt before it, in prose and in rhyme.
Yet tnith wtll prevail, and now Science hath said
That for early morning there's noplace like bedl
"With Iheir early to bed and their early to rise,
fhey ve tortured the good, and tormented the wise.
ni sermons, and spelling-books, proverbs and tracts.
And now they just find they've mistaken the facts !
*" It's just like those moralistsi Talk stilted bosh
f orf? »on or two, and then find it won't wash I
Y>Ta I how they have stuck up their noses, the prigs.
And compared^us to sloths and to somnolent pigs.
llWhat price now the ant, and that huge bore the bee P
Whilst our old foe. the lark, proves pure fiddle-de-dee.
Their h^thy , and wealthy, and wise, and what not.
Is exploded at List ; it is all tommy-rot I
"* A man's not a black-beetle, to find it a lark
To eo crawling about chilly rooms in Uie dark ;
mL^I^ ?^^ ™® ^ *^« fiflooa «nd the cold,
The fact only proves that you 're foolish or old /
m^SL™®'^' J^?^» "®®^ ^■'^ ^^ constrained in the least
To tyn put hke an inseot, a bird, or a beast ;
|or Medical Science has spoken, and said
That the sluggard is right, and there's no place like bed I "
ICurle up, and snores with a clear 'consciem
THE DRAMATIC COMMON SENSEB-SHIP.
Last week the name of Mr. Bedford as newly-appointed Licenser of
Plays was announced. This is just to the late licenser's assistant and
deputy. But if the office is to be continued, why should it not be
thrown open to competitive examination ? A paper of such questions
as the foUowisg would secure a learned Theban for the office :—
1. Who was the Licenser of Plays in the time of Shakbpeabs ?
2. Translate passages (given) from («) French dramatists, {fi) Italian,
(y) German, (A) Spanish, (#) NorwegiJuL (Q Bussian, (?) Japanese.
3. Translato passages (jgriven) from the works of English drama-
tists into the above-mentioned lanffua^fes.
4. Give vour opinion on the following ** situations " and *' plots,"
and say whether you consider it in the interests of public morality
that they should be licensed for performance or not.
5. State your reasons for such opinions.
6. Is it your opinion that an officer of the Licensing (Play) Depart-
ment should be in attendance every night at every theatro (a stall being
kept for him by the manager on pain of fine or f orf eitnro of licence) to
note if any change or any introduction be made in the dialogue or in
any part or iwrtion of the pla^ already licensed P And if not, why not Y
7. Would it be, or not, advisable in your opinion that every author,
or all the authors when collaborating, should read their own pieces
aloud to the Licenser, giving as much action and dramatic illnstra-
tion as space will allow F And that the low comedians and eccentric
comedians, male and female, with songs and dances, should attend, and
show (a) what stepsthey propose takinginthenewpieoe,(6) what words,
(c) winks, [d) becks, and (a) wreathed smiles they intend giving in
Older to point an innuendo or adorn an a^parentiy narmless joke r
8. Do you think that, as an assistant judge on such occasions, one
or moro experts (at so much an hour) should oe present F
9. (a) In your opinion should not every play be seen by the Licenser,
duly acted, with the costumes, bef oro a hcence can be granted F (6) and
then that the licence be granted only on the condition that no alteration
in word or action be made at anv time, and under no pretence whatever,
during the run, on pain of forfeiture of licence F
The above suggestions will serve as a foundation for some future
Licensing Exam. -paper. ^lyiu^cu uy -*.*_^ ^^^ "^^^ ^^^t-w
Maboh 23, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
137
COURTLY aUADRUPEDS.
{Tii the Editor of tJie^Sp-a-tor:')
Sot, — I am sure yoa will be
glad to hare another veraoiooB
story abont Animal Etiquette.
Dnnng the recent frost we
hunff a bone up in the garden
for the starving birds to peck
at, and one cs ! our dogs — a
ooUie— was mean enough to
steal it Next day we noticed
him limpinsr, and were sur-
prised to nnd a great gash
across one of his paws. I at
once understood what had hax>-
pened. Our other dogs had
evidently thought stealing the
bone under the ciroumstanoes
was very bad form, and the
colUe had been cut by them !
Yours sym^thetically,
jPabish Pump.
Sir, — Ifind that even li ittens
haye a code of etiquette, and
understand thenioetiesof social
rank. The other day our kit-
ten was on the table, when a
winged creature which 1 took
for a fly settled just in front
of it. Pussy immediately
graoefuUy retreated back-
wards till, on arriying at the
edge^ she slid to the ground.
At hrst I put down her be-
haviour to fright, but it was
CLASSICAL CAB STRIKE AT ATHENS.
TYTTTH
['* Tourigts and foreigners ... in Athens hare been put to great inoonvenience
on account of the cab strike.'* — Standardy March 14.]
nothing of the sort.* It was a
pure act of courtesy. Thesup-
posed Hy wae a lady-bird!
Our intelligent little animul
had shown ner instinctiye re-
spect for title and sex, which
was naturally yery gratifying
to an ardent
Prdcbosb LsAeiTXR.
Sm,— Our terrier killed a
rat yesterday. To-day we saw
him, for no obvious reason,
approach the rat-hole again.
We all agreed that he must be
-nying a visit of condolence to
le bmayed relatiyes I
CouHTET Cubs.
^
•• ThB PbGFOSKD COIQCOKS
PBBSEByAnoK Bill."— Seeing
this heading to an article, an
eminently well-informed Con-
servatiy e politician, whose zeal
was in excess of his know-
ledge, exckumed. "Ah! I
thought it would come to
this! The Ultra-Radicals are
not ^ing straight for the
abolition of the Upper House,
but haye decided on under-
: it, by doinjir away
lie Lower -- • •
ver One to begin
Fancy its being neces-
sary for the tlommons to briiMr
in a Bill for their own self-
preservation I ! "
VADE MECUM FOR A CEBTAnT COUBT OFFICIAL.
Question, Your duty, 1 believe, is to protect the public from reoeiy-
ing impressions^from your point of view— of a pernicious character ?
Answer, Certainly: and this 1 aocompUsh by reading and rejecting
what 1 think the puDiio should ayoid.
Q, How long has the office been in existence P
A, About a century or so.
Q. How did the public get on before your office came into existenoe ?
A, Fairly weU, especially in the days of Shakspeabx.
Q. Had the Biurd of Avon to obtun a Hcence for the production of
his plavs ?
A, No ; they were then practically edited by the public
Q, CoTud not the public edit plays in the reign of dueenYiciORiA
with the intelligence displayed in the days of ** Oood Queen Bbss'' f
A, It is impossible to say, as the question has not been tested by
experiment.
Q. You say that your duty is to preserve the purity of the public
tasie ; was that also the object of the earlier of your {n^ecessors f
A, Seemingly not, as the office was called into existence to serve as a
bar to the dissemination of opinions of an entirely political character.
Q. But that is not now the raison d*etre of the appointment P
A. Oh, no; for nowadays, thanks to the newspapers, politics
ei^*ys free trade.
Q. But still, the right of interferenoe exists P
A, Yes, but it is only used to inreyent a performer from *' making
up" as a Cabinet Minister, to the annoyance of the right hon.
gentleman favoured with the attention.
Q. Is there any rule to guide ike use of the official blue pencil P
A, None in paurticular. That emblem of concrete authority may
be diligently used for a decade, and then be laid aside for a quarter
of a century.
Q. Then there is no policy in the office P
A. None to speak of. What was wrong in 1875 may be right in 1895,
and may be wrong affain at the commencement of the next century.
Q. But surely such an office has not gained the entire apjjaase of
the London Press P
A, On the contrary, the all but uniyersal condemnation.
Q. And yet when the office became yacant there were many
journalistic applicants P
A, Because journalists accept the situation of the hour, and make
the best of it
Q. Is it jwssible that the candidates who have f aQed may find
their objection to the existence of the office stronger than ever r
A, It is not only postdble, but probable.
Q. And thus any non-journalist who accepts the appointment may
not have a very pleasant time of it P
A* So it woula appear to the casual observer.
MY INFLUENZA.
Monday,— Tins is the day I promised to go with my aunt to the
first meeting of that new Society for the Propagation of Female
Suffrage amongst the Turks. Wish I 'd neyer promised. DonH see
how I can escape. Why, yes^ good idea— the influenza t I 'U haye
it. Almost fancy I haye a shffht pain in my back, which would cer-
tainly be a symptom. I will decide that I naye a pain in my back.
Seed note, saving, in uncertain weather caution is necessary ; fear that
I 'm attacked by the preyaiUng epidemic : wish every success to the
good cause, and so forth. Then, relieved in my mind, down to the
club, and forget all about the old lady.
Tuesday.^QhtJl have a melancholy time this evening. Mrs. Poe-
son's At Home, with recitations. Oh lord! Daren't offend old
Poosov by refusing. It would not be so bad if there were not the
fiye Miss Poesoirs. Of all the awful, middle-aged young women 1
Ha, by Joye! Never thought of it. Of course. Hie influenza.
Telegraph at once. Deeply regret, illness, and so forth. I really
have a slight pain in my bacL Wonder what it is. Put on my
thickest coat when I go out.
Wednesday, — Awful joke this influenza. Shall escape old
Blodobtt*s dinner to-night. Should haye been bored to death.
Now sixpenny telegram setties it alL The only thing is I really
have a pain in my back. Reminds me of boy crying ** Wolf '' in
the fable. ShaU stay in this eyening, and keep warm by the fire.
Thursday,— Do not feel much worse, but pain still there. Shall
not venture out. Can therefore, quite truthfully, excuse my
absence from Bobe9am*s matinSe, Good enough fellow, Boreham,
but can't write a tragedy at alL So shall escape the awful infliction
of his mixed imitation of Ibskn and Shelley. The worst of it is
that, with this beastly pain in my back, I begin to think my influ-
enza is no sham at all. Stop m all day in warm room. In the
evening feel headache, as wdl as pain in back. Fear the worst.
Friday,— ISo doubt about it. In bed. Must see the doctor.
Letter from Gadsbt. Wants me to go to the theatre to-night. Jolly
party. Supper after at his house. littie dance to finish with.
JoUy, liyely fdlow Gadsbt. Knows lots of pretty actresses, and has
all sorts ctf larks. Would have been good tun. And here am I in
bed ! Hang the influenza I But cannot risk anything. Get Jones
fetched— Jones, M.D.. my old chum. Tell him how 1 feel, and say I
have the influenza. Bosh ! " says he, ** von 've been sitting in a
draught somewhere, and ffot a httie lumbago in your back. It's
nothing. And vou 've stuck in a hot room till you 'ye got a headache
for want of fresh air. Get up and go out as soon as you can." Feel
better already. Show him Gadsbt's letter. **The very thing,"
says he; **I'm going. We'll go togrether. With that influenza
of yours, you oughtn't to go out without someone to watch the
138
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHABIVAEL
[March 23, 1896*
^e^i^i£>t.
THE " SEXO-MANIA." «
'* We think^Ztjw that havs Oom Attra^ the fouleet norel that erer yet defiled the English tonrue * and that in abtolate filth its Author can gire
any modem French writer lix and beat him hollow ! '* — jTw Parthenon.
Fair Author (to hor Publisher, pointing to above OpUnian of the Press quoted in his adverUsement 0/ her Novel), " AVD peat, Mb. Ssabd-
8ON, WHAT DO TOU MIAN BT IN8BBTIKO THIS HIDSOUB NOTIOI T "
Publisher, * Mt deab Miss Fitzicobsb, tou mttst bimxmbib that wb 'yb paid tot; a labob Pbiob fob toub Book, axtd
BEOiraHT rr our at orbat Sxpensb— and wb natitballt wish to Sbll it 1 "
THE EASY CHAIE;
Ob, Mb. Spbakbb's Yalkdiotion.
[" According to present arrangements the Spbakbb will dehrer his yale-
dictory address on the eye of the adjournment for the Easter recess."
The 2^jfi#f.1
AiBr-" The Cane-bottonCd Chatr.'^
Ah-h-h-h 1 1 1 Farewell to the Chair, to the Maoe, to the Bar I
To tedious twaddle and purposeless jar I —
Away from the House, and its toils, and its cares,
I hope to sit snug in my snuggest <^ ohairs.
To mount that old Chair was my j
But—the House got ill-manne
ide, to be sure ;
its air grew impure :
And the sights I haye seen there on many a day
Were worthy a lot of young Yahoos at play.
Ah \ yet that old Chamber had oomers and nooks,
Whion seemed haunted by friendly, f amiUar old sDOoks.
The Q0B8ETTS, 0*Ck>BXAN8, and Gladstones I All ends I
But escaping old bothers means missing old friends.
Old ohums, like old ohina, though possibly oradked.
With riokety tempers, and witoor^en-baoked.
Old memory treasures. And when shall men see
Suoh ohampions as Dizzt and W. G. P
No better divan need young Abbas require
Than this snug Easy Chair well drawn up to the fire.
Offrobeel Wigavauntl Now I 'm oosy I— And yet.
If there 's something to gladden, there 's much to regret
Why is it one dings to some genial old soamp P
Why is it one sticks to a worn-out old gamp?
Why is it, despite my relief, I feel drawn
To uiat hard high-bMked Chair I so long sat upon P
Long, long through the honrS| and the night, and the chimes
Have I sat, yawned and ached in the tiresome old times,
When faction and f 0^ fiUed the House, and for me
The Chamber was pitdess pur-g»-to-ree I
Now comfort and quiet will gladden mv rest.
And tedium no longer will torture my oreast,
For that finest of Seats ever padded with hair
I am g<nng to exchange for my own Easy Chair I
If Chairs had but speech it would whisper alarms
To him who 's next clasped in its stuffy old arms.
How long there /languished, and lolled in despair^
Till I wished myself wood like the rest of ' * the Chair ! "
A decade and more since I first filled the place! *
There 's many a form and there 's many a face
Have vanished since I donned the wig of grey hair,
And sat and looked stately, at ease in that Chair.
Men say I have honoured that Chair ever since^
With the poise of a judge and the mien of a prinoe.
Perhaps I But I 'm weary, and glad, I declare,
To make now a change to my own Easy Chair.
When the candles bum low, and the company 's gone.
In the silence of night I shall sit here alone,
Or with you, Mr, Punch, mansr-memoried pair,
And muse on old days in that mgh Speakers Chair!
EhP WluLt, Mr. Punch f Bead me last night's debate F
Ohol Order! Order!! I 'm drowsy, 'tis late.
For Ayes and lor Noes^ Punch, no more need I care ;
I may take forty winks in my own Easy Chair !
IL^ taking *em.
* ICr. Amtkur Wbllbslbt Pbml was elected Speaker at the opening of
the Session of 1884^ upon the retirement of Sir Emkkt Bbakd.
AiroiiNT Cnsiox.— "A quaint praotioe exists" at the ^;itsoopal
Palace, Fulham, '* of waking up the domestics by means of a kmg
pole." ** Stirring them up," apparently, as the keepers do the beasts
at the Zoo. The Sun reminds us of the existence of ** rousing
staves^' for waking sleepers in church. About Regatta time
riparian dwellers are frequently disturbed in their slumbers by '* rous-
ing staves," which, however, i^.piiiR Sy Ji^,^l©«^^tfi™«t
canoeists and house-boaters. O
i
I
3 H
IS
to
»
s
3 B
I n
O
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11 ?^
rr
Digitized by
Googlf"
Digitized by
Google
Maboh 23- 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVARL
141
"Well, how did thb New Plat go opp last hioht?"
" Oh, thbbx was a Slkxp- walking Sgxhs in ths Thibd Act that was rathbb
■PFBOTIYB." **2 LA LaDY MaOBETH, BH ? "
" WbLL— HOT BXAOTLT. It WAS THB AlDIBMOB THAT GOT UP IN ITS SlBBP AND WALKBD
OUT I"
TO A FLIETGIRL,
A Pbem 9f PUUUude.
Tn, ffirlB will be girls, and flirts will be flirU,
Ana ooqaette to the end ol the chapter I
** There's safety in numbers," the proyerb
asserts.
And I *in sore that no saw oonld be apter.
The safety, I fear, is that Dick will fight shy.
When he hears that you *re fltrtiag with
Habbt;
And Hakbt wiU think, when yon 'ye Tox in
W"?^*'
yon 're safer to flirt with than marry I
Nay, then yon don*t rest till yonVe Jack at
your feet.
Till he finds that he's Willy for riyal ;
The odds are that both, like the rest, will
retreat.
And at last there'll be no one's sorriyaL
For flirting 's a game that is ri^ky to play.
At least from the standp. int of wedlook ;
When eaoh is afraid yonr afleotion will stray
To some other, the end is a deadlock !
The Boot Was. — ** In consequence of the
strike," obseryed Mrs. B., **1 am afraid a
great many hardworking men will be left
with boots on their hands."
CHECK!
" We air goTomed too much."— ^f<#fnMf Waird,
No! The old spirit is not dead.
Though long it, trance-like, slept,
While Peter Putiight reared his head.
And yenom'd yigil kept.
Their despot yearnings retrograde
Our tyrants labd^ Progress " ;
In specious robes of light array'd
They hide a horrid Ogress ;
And many simple souls and true
By guile sedueed to err.
Or fondly trusting something new,
Fell down and worshipp'd her.
And o'er their prostrate senses roU'd
A monstrous idol car.
Whose priests, in frenzy uncontroll'd.
Still know not where they are.
The doughtier freeman of the past
With wrath such bondage sees ;
Who freedom won with pike and gun
From nobler foes than these.
Some bygone champions' pow'r benign
Our waning strength restores ;
They forced from kings what we 'd resign
To County Gouncillon.
The heirs of those who won our right
Inherit such a soul
They 'd starkly fight by day and night.
But quite neglect to polL
And so, in Law and Order's day
The brazen crew intrudes,
And London nigh becomes the prey
Of pedants, prigs, and prudes.
But lo I the slip 'twixt cup and lip
Has made their glory <timmer ;
Down, down goes the oiotatorflhip
Of StigginM and of Trimmer,
And threaten'd London joys to find
The iDCubus overthrown.
The gang whose mandate 'tis to mind
All business but their own.
With " shouldera to the wheel " alway.
The grannies in a batch
Can suck such comfort as they may
From eggs they must not hatch.
A SUQGICBTION FOB IMPROVING THB SlAGE.
— ^M. CoQUELiN for having played truant —
not an ab^lutely new part for bun— from the
House of MoLitBE has been condemned by the
Court of Appeal to pay fiye hundred francs
every time he performs away horn the
Comedie Fran^aise. This may, or may not,
be hard on M. Coquelin, an artist whose
absence from the btage would be much de-
plored: but could not there be, in England,
some Court of Public Appeal, empowered to
condemn an actor or two, not lurtists like
M. Coqxteldt, in similar penalties for appear-
ing at all)' Great opportuniihr for a new
court and new prootdure. Witnesses for
prosecution from stalls, dress drole, gallery,
pit, upper boxes. Witnesses to be heard in
defence of course also; and let the best
evidence win.
A Good Bakk iNutk. Acier the rec«>nt
meeting of the gentlemen who manage the
affaira of The Old Lady of Threadneedle
Stnrct, the Bank of England may now be
considered not as a bank which may be of
sand or mud^ but as a rock, and as firm. The
Baring Straits having been safely passed,
the look-out man crie?, '* All 's well that ends
weU ! "
J Ths Highlt-bougbi) Ladt'sCladc toLitb-
BAST BiSTmcnox.— That she is well-read.
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
[Maboh 23, 1896.
''ANIMAL SPIRITS.''
No. YIII. — AfTXB the iNFLirXNZA.
LETTEES FBDM THE SHADES.
Hats just perused report of Gommisaba on Library Wall-flowen.
Appears that enterprisiiig book-shop, resort of fashionable world for
past century, has sent round urgent whip to Bepresentatiye Men of
Letters (ana also Mr. Lb GALLDonrs) asking for short list of best
nf gleoted books. Find that answers ooTer fairly wide ground, from
HoMBK to New English Dictionary. Feeling that it might please
general public to haye some expression of opinion from yarious
defunct authors described with faint praise as undeseryedly
neglected, and finding it inconyenient to arrange personal interyiew,
by reason of distance and other difficulties, haye sent out circular
requesting that they would intenriew themselyes on the subject and
kindly let me haye result. Some answered eyasiyely through
secretaries Subjoin small assortment from letters of those wno
responded frankly :—
HOMIB 0BLIOS8 WITH A VEW HsZAMBTIBa.
Lo I in the hollows of Hades I hear the lamenting of Lubbock,
Bart, who declares that Hoiamus (or somebody else of the same
name,
One or the other, or both, or perhaps a collection of poets)^
Lubbock, I say, who declares that the sale of my poems is paltry.
Says he is sorry to see me reduced to the state ox a wall-flower I
But as a matter of fact I haye got an immense circulation.
Chiefly in Oxford and Gambridfc and Eton and other pdUuirtB.
SoPHooLn pushes me dose, but Phtdab is out of the running,
Being a bit too stiff, tfaoogh the cost is defrayed by the parents.
As lor the rest, I consider Herodotus yerj aeserving ;
Quaintly em>ngh at this moment I see he is writing about me.
Writing to say he considers Hombbus exoeedinffly deyer.
Who, by the way, is a Mr. Lb GAUiMNirBF He, as they tell me,
Pratues a lot on nis priyate affairs for the good of the pubHc
Hbbodotus fobwabds a tbutlino Bboohubb.
To me for my part it appears that of the other poets, both those
before and after, no one, as the saying u^ can hold a two-penny
torch to HoMSBUs. He. in the language of the Far- Western people,
whips cosmos. But ot those that write things not to be men-
tioned, no Then Man dwelling in the nether world can surpass the
Now Woman. So at least they that are oyer ih» book-market tell
me ; but them I cannot easily belieye. Further, to speak of such as
collect history, but, being unworthy indeed of neglect do yet escape
the notice of those that appoint to office, I giye the front row to lu.
OsoAB BBOWimre.
Shaxspbabb sbnos an oooasional Soknbt.
Had I surriyed my well-contented age
And liyed to see the bettering of t£e times.
And witnessed Hbnbt Abthub on the stage,
Or read the latest confidential riiymes ;
Small maryel were it that my tragic art
Should lapse among a race of luger build ;
Or that the sonnet-eonoes of my heart
Should fail before the booming Bodley guild.
Yet haye I loyers still, a faithful few j
And here I take occasion for obserying
How greatly I haye been indebted to
The Gamoridge Locals and to Mr. iBynro.
Poti'Beript.'-'T!h» Temple Shaxspbabb for the pooket
Is selling now ; I know of none to knock it.
LoBD Ybbulam kindly quotbs himsblp.
Ton shall not ask better from me than that I should distil you
these two extracts from my Standard Essays, amended to date.
1. Of Studies. — Reading, and namely of the kitchen ware of
AuTOLTCUS, maketh a full man ; reyiewing maketh a puffy man ; and
my New Organ^ now old and strangely unpopular, maketh an har-
monious man.
2. Of Oarden8,^Yetj delightful for sweetness is the Wall-
flower ; likewise the Bonny Briar-Patch. But of those flowera such
as the Aster and the Carnation, of which the perfume is such tiiat
they are best trodden upon and bruised, there is yet another that you
shall take heed of. It is the Sweet Earl Layender. You shall naas
by a whde alley of them and find nothing of their sweetness : &ey
are like precodons odours, most desirable when incensed or cmahed.
Sortes ShakspeariaasB.
Shakbpbabb in the Commons—
''OodipeedthePtfliament! Who shall be the Speakw ? **
Mmrp the SiaUh, Part L, Act iiL, So. 2.
A FoBeoTTEN Mblodt.— A once popular negro song that might
come in as a chorus if Mr. Bannebman does not accept the Speaker-
ship, is to the tune of '' Old Bob lUdley, Or* and oo^ be e^ently
neatly adapted to " Whttb Bidlbt, 01 '^-^ "^ ^^ -^^
MiMom S3 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHAMVAM.
143
SITTINQ ON HIM.
Mr. Slowman Sopht, "Oh ooks, I 81.T, Miss Kawt, tou on Foot! Wht, it Hounds bun, a Fsllah 'li. nivcb sbb tou
AOAIN AIX DAT I"
Mi$$ Mary. " Dbab, dkab, bow tbtiro it is I Bboausx, tou know, whxn 1 bidm and Hounds rum, I nbvcb sbzh to sbb
Tou AO&IH ALL DAT I "
AWFUL EEVELATIONS!
[Mr. Lbslib Stephbh, speaking at ToTnbee Hall the other day, stated
that the members of the AtQenieum had oeserted the claasios for tne pages
of Fmuh and the latest French noyel.]
BcKsrm^The Library of a weU-known Club, where are dUeovered a
few Bishape, Judgee, M.P.^%, and other periom ** dietinguiehed
m Uteralure or ari^'*
Academician {ehiu:kiing over Mabckl PfiiyosT^s lateH audacity,
to M.P., who i$ pwading out the ** Journal du prince " in Daudets
'' La Petite Paroiiee"), I Bay, old man, lend me your pocket dio-
tknary for a moment, will 70a f
M.P, Certainly : only it doesn't giye half the words. {Sighe,
aside.) Why dicm't I learn more French at Eton I These mcsure
confuaalee beat me eyery nowand then at the most interesting point I
A Profeisor of Metaphysics {w?io hae concealed J. H. Kosnt's
**-R«iotit?«aii" behind a file of the ** 2Vr— " '—^ •• *.**/•%.- ««
LAysDAH*8 ** Les Marionettee^^ to himself).
Times" and is sitHna on
MjAWM,uaj» o x^«« Mi*r t</'*«M««. w fw*,M^elf), I really cannot ffo home
till I haye deared np the relations between Chagny and Madame
d*Argonne !
A Judge {foughJt reading ** Le Mariage de Chiffon " hy a Bishop,
apologetu!aUy). Ah, I find my French gets rosty without systematic
daily practice. Wny, wouldTyou beUeye it, I found yesterday I had
fonratten what en gogueties meant I
Bishop, Ahem, 1 belieye it is a synonym for en ribote, with nearly
tlie yulgar connotation of oris or «ot?^tipsy, you know I (Hastily,
to Waiter, aware that he nas displayed a rather too close acouaint'
ance with OalUc slang.) Kindly fetch me to-da]^s number of Punch,
Waiter, They are all enicaged, my Lord.
bishop. Then let me look at last week*s issue again.
Heaa Master of Public School {dubiously). Dare I be seen with
Madame Chrysantheme t {Noticing that aU the quiet comers are
occupied with students of French literature,) No— another time I
Leading Novelist, Mere's Lesub Biephek been betraying us I
Ha lays, idiat is only too true, that we 'ye abandoned the itandard
anthors, including myself, for Punch I
Cabinet Minister {as a deus ex machi$ut). Well, Mr, Punch is a
To read him is a liberal education I
IThey do so^ with a general sigh of relief.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OP TOBY, M.P.
Souse of Commons, Monday Night, March 11.— A great doud
fallen oyer House to-day. Soon the stately presence that tills the
Chair wiU step forth, neyer to return. The sonorous yoice that can
still the storm in its angriest mood will no more reeound through the
hushed Chamber. The best Speaker the House of Commons in its long
history has known, will be merged in the mediocrity of the House
of Loras. A hard succession of blows to fall on an assembly. First
Mr. G., then G&akdolph, and now Arthur Pjiel, thrne men of
wholly yaried type, each unique, in his way reaching the highest
leyeL
Suppose we shall get along somehow, though for all concerned in
business of House, in maintaining its usefulness and supporting its
dignity, the future without Peel in the Chair not to be reguded
without foreboding. He has eyery quality and gift that go to make
the ideal Speaker. A noble presence, a fine yoice, a courtly manner,
a resolute wilL a full knowledge of the forms of the House, a keen
though decently suppressed sense of humour— a scholar and a gentle-
man. Theee things are seen and recognised from outride. Only
those who liye ana work in the House of Commons know how mar-
yellous is the comlidnation, how infinite in its magnitude the loss
impending.
Tuesday,— Talk to-nisrbt all about successor to the Spbaxer. A
dozen names mentioned; general conclusion that whoeyer may be
selected, he's not to be enyied. The Member for Sare, turning up
to-night for first time this Session, brings strange news. Has been
on the Blyiera, ddly expecting infiuenza. Saw Mr. G. yesterday :
the talk at Cap Martin, as here, all about the soon-to-be emptied
Chair, and who is to fill it. Sark tells me he is quite certain
Mr. G. is thinking of coming forward as candidate; is (so Sark
says, and he is a most reliable person) eyidentiy eating out his heart
in yoluntary retirement. Now ne *s got his Psalter out, doesn't know
what to do next.
'* I asked him," Sark says, *' whether there was any precedent for
an ex-Prime Minister, howeyer young in years and untamed in
energy, becomins' Speaker."
**17ot exactly,^' he said; ''bat there is the case of a Speaker who
144
PUNCH. OR THE LONT>ON CHARTVART.
[Mabgh 23, 1896.
became Prime Minister. ADDnreToir, you will remember. Speaker in
1789. was Premier at the torn of the century. It was Raid of him. by
the way, that he never quite oTercame the foroe of old habits. When
engtLged. with the Cabinf t in consideration of foreign affairs he had
difficulty in refraioing from saying * The French to the riirht, the
Austrians to the left.' Don't see why the caae shouldn't be
taken the other way about, and an ex-Premier become Speaker.
Fancy I may take it that I have some qualifications for the post.
Enow the House pretty intimately ; have been familiar with it for
some years. Am told 1 never looked so picturesque as when, on public
occasions, I wore official gown of Chancellor of Exchegner. Think
the 8peaker*s dress would suit me. But that a mere trifie. What I
hanker after, at my time of life, at the dose of a career not abso-
lutely free from hard work, is some post not too arduous. S(>ems to
me the Speakership would be the very thing ; just enough to do, and
not too much."
IN ^
Mr, G, (dUguited m Speaker't una tmd gown), *' Bather fkncy the
ooBtume would siiit me down to the fround I "
If it had been anyone but Sabk had said this, would have listened
with incredulity, but Sabk most respectable man.
Business done,— Bjobwltsok in excellent speech explained Navy
Estimates.
Thursday,— The Silence of Sjxgmio. No, it 's not the title of a
noveL Tou 're thinking of the late Dean Maitlaiid. This quite
another story : equally tragic. Came about this way. House met
to deal with Army Estimates. CAWicsL-BAinrBRir ak in his place,
after ten days in his bedroom with a cold. The cold must have had
most amusing companion, that is if Cawmel was as pawky with it
as he was tc^night with the semi-military horde led by Private
Hanbttrt, who swooped down and barred approach to Committee.
These deployed in the open ; placed their amendments on the paper.
House knew what to expect, if ever suspected Silomio in ambush.
As soon as questions over, plot disclosed. Cochrahe, a harmless,
perhaps necessary, man^ put up to move adjournment, in order tr>
discuss the Swazi question. That in itself a stroke of genius. Had
Stlokio personally moved, game would have seemed too stale.
Probability is forty Members not been found to stand up in support
of motion. Looks much better to have such action taken on one side
of House and supported from the other ; invests it with air of im-
partiality and unanimity. On challenge from the Speaksr, Con-
servatives rose in body to support Coch&ake's request. Having
secured that object, and being on their legs, they strolled out, leaving
Sqihbk of Malwood, Stdniet Buxton, and about a score of others
all told, to listen to Cochbaxs^s urgent message. Amongst them sat
Fbank Lockwood, with teoder gleam in eyes that roamed with
curious intentness about Speaker's chair.
Whilst CocHBAKZ spoke, Silomio sat with inspired look on his
face, making voluminous notes. He would come on by-and-by.
Let others keep the thing going as long as possible; just when
hapless Ministers thought it was over, and they might get to butt-
ness, they should hear a well-known war-whoop ; should disoover
SiLOMio at the table, in for a good hour's speecn. Meanwhile he
•'Our Artirt"— Sir Frank Biockwood, Q.C., M.P.
sat piling notes upon note*, pausing occasionally to cheer Coghravs,
anon humming softly to himself
** Swaziland, my Swaziland ! "
UiTDSB SscRETABT POB CoLOiriES deprecated in public interest
irregular discussion of question at present time. Qorst, hampered
by this responsibility, made curiously haltinir speech. BAi>nr-
PowELL »poke ^* as one who had been in South Africa " ; Squibk of
Malwood more gravely repeated Syditet Buxton's warning. Now
was SiLOKio's time. But before he could move PRnrcE Axtkur was
on his feet, positivelT, with some commonplaces about respecting
Ministerial responsibilitv, consenting to close the conversation I
SiLOMio gaf^>ed for oreath; instinctively fdt for his aaaegai;
olutdied at his notes dripping with the gore of Stdnet Buxton.
When he had partially mast^«d his emotion the amendment was
withdrawn and opportunity had fled. ^
** Sic vos non volns veUera fertis oves,** said Phunekt soothingly.
** But never mind. Tou remember that in the end Ynten. got ms
own, and Batttllus was basted." Silomio stared.
Business thne,-'Bnjouio contrives a debate and others talk.
Friday jVi^A/.— Policemen in lobby much startled by incident that
preoedea arrival of Speassb to resume sittings at nine o'clock. The
steady tramp of a column in marching order broke on the ear. Came
nearer and nearer from direction of dining-room : swinging doors
flun^ open ; Colonel of the Queen's Westminster Volunteers entered.
Behind him, in close order, tramped something like score of members.
At word of command they took half turn te right and passed into
House, 88 in earlier days another British column swung through the
gates of Delhi.
Ten minutes later, more than half the force were observed to oome
out of the House, look furtively round, and dash off in various direc-
tions, some to smoking-room, some to reading-room, and some dear
off the premise's. But they had done their appointed work, and
HowABD Vincent, an old campaigner, had secured opportunity for
delivering his speech on hostile tariffs and bounties.
Graveaoubt at morning sitting whether House could be made for
the alluring joy. Vincent took up position in lobby mudi as
recruiting-Bergeant shows Umself near Trafalgar Square. Accosted
all MemMrs pasting by. Offered them free rations and front seats
for the lecturo if they would stay. Soon picked up enough men to
reduce diances of count out. xHnner, I am told, a little exciting,
especiallv towards the end. Several Members discovered straving
towards 'the door. But the ex-captain of the Royal Berks Militia
not to be trifled with. Kept them together past the cheese ; de-
livered every man in the House one minute and thirty seconds
before the Speajosb took the Chair. If any skulked out whem the
Colonel was once emlNs^ked on his lecture he, of course, couldn't inter-
fere. But they mustn't suppose their departure wasn't marked. No
more free rations for them.
Business done.—Bj reason of CAWiorLL-BANNBEMAK's ^reat per-
suasiveness men and money for Army voted at morning sitting.
Seaside Mem.— The Society reoently started to aboHsh "Rde-
houses wiU not include Bathing Machines within the scope of its
operations. ^lyiu^ou uy ^^^ ^^^ ^^ j.m.^
l^tlAKra 30, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
145
ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. IX. — AwKWASD poBinoir or HiPFOUoiMur amoho tbm wiu> Bnixs ass Bbabs a Thkookobtoh Sntor.
{Vtd* Pyert, Monk 22.)
AN ELECTION ADDRESS.
[Mr. RiDXR Haooabd has become the aooepted GonserTatire candidate
for a Norfolk constituency. The following is understood to be an adranoe
copy of his Address.]
iRTELLiesFT eleoton, may I ventare to present
Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament P
The views of those opponents who despise a novelist.
Are bnt the foggry arguments of People of the Mist !
No writer, I assure you, oan produce a better claim,
A greater versatility, a more substantial fame *
My candidature, though opposed by all the Yellow gang.
Has won the hearty sympatny of Mr. Andbxw Lako.
And if what my opinions are you 'd really like to know.
They 're issued at a modest price by Longmans, Gbesn, & Co. ;
The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I 'm prepared to speak upon
From a praotioal acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon.
Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be,
lyield to none in honouring the great immortal She
While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn.
Ton 'll find the suDJeot treated most attractively in Dawn.
When I am placed in Parliament, I '11 speak with fluent skill,
And show Que Mr. Msbson) I 've a most effective will ;
And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight.
It is for legislation to protect my copyright.
If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend.
My anecdotes will cause the Spesker's wig to stand on end ;
And if an opportunitjr occurs, I '11 rouse tne lot
By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot I
So, G«ntlem^, I be? you, let my arguments prevail,
Shkme would it be if such a cause through apathv should fail.
Shame on the false elector who his honest duty snirks I
Believe me. Yours.
The Author of Shej JDaum^ and other works.
SueeESTED Revival ov an Old I'obx ov Punibhhxnt fox
FUTUES 0B8TBirCTI0NI8T SfXCULATOBS IK THEOeMOBTONIAN EaFFIB
Laiii).— •' Put 'em in the Stocks."
"WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT."
Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a " Company,
Limited." The cast in the bill was given as Chairman, Arthub
W. PlNEXO ; First Director, Sir Abthur Suluvah (with a song Y) ;
Second Director, Herbebt Behheit (Director also of Habbgd's
Stores, limited, the success of which establishment has been so great
as to now out-HABBOD SLlbbod) ; and then Abthitb CcnrDLEieH
(who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. John Wood), as
Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as Abthttb
B. Chttbb (*Mittle nsh are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A.
(presumably AbthubP) S. Dunn. Most appropriate this name to
finish with; *^and now my story 's Dunn.'^ Fortunate omen,
too, that there are two ** n's " in Dtjnn, which otherwise is a word
associated with a 0>urt not quite so cheerful as the Court Theatre.
But the curious note about it is the preponderance of ^' Abthubs."
Abthitb Pinero, Abthub Sullivan, Abthub Chudleigh, Abthub
Chubb, and Abthub (?) Dunn. If they have power to add to their
number, why not take in Abthub Jones, abthub Llotd, and
Abthub Robebts ? That would make the Dramatic Abthubs and
the Musical Abthubs about equal.
Matilda Chablotte Wood is mentioned as having had an ame-
m^nt with one of the Abthubs yclept Chudleigh, and probably
also a disagreement too, as tbeir once highly prosperous joint
management came to an endL But now ^' she will return," at least,
eveiTone hopes so, as, after her capital performance of the Sporting
Duchess at Drury Lane, she has snown us that she is as fresh and
as great an attraiotion as ever. Some of the Abthubs will write for.
her, one Abthub will compose for her, two Abthubs will act and
iQg with her, and Abthub, the managing director, will direct and
manage her. May every success attend the venture I But how
about authors and composers offering their work to so professional
a board of directors? Doesn't Sir Fretful P/a^fy« objection to
sending his play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that
*' he writes himself," hold good nowadays ? Hum. A difficulty,
most decidedly ; still, not absolutely insuperable.
Which Settles It.
Over-enihtieiaehe Person {speaking confidentiaUy of hie absent
Friend to the young Lady to whom <ibsent friend is going to propose).
Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man.
Sharp Young Lady, Ah, then he is **too goo4 to be true." I
shall rttuse him I ([Fxk separately.
vol. cvni.
146
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
[Mabob so, 1895.
''MUSIC HATH CHARMS."
H.R.H. The Duki, aooompakikd bt Dkvmmxb-bot Hxrbbbt Ouldstovb, lbajm tbx Sunday Park Band.
'* The Duke of Cakbudob taket the lireliett penonal intereet in the propoeal m«de by Mr. John Aibd, and supported by Mr. Hb&bbbt
Glaimtonb. Pint OominiMioner of Works, th«t militaiy bands should perform in the Boyal Parks on suitable oecasioBs during tha
ieaaon.'*— wM^ TtUgraph^ Manh 20.
UiQitized by
^
d^'
30, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
147
\^aC,.
QUITE A CATCH.
Yownff Splinier (drMng N^rvoui Old Party to 0(mrt). " Tis, I loti ▲ Baimaik ik Hobsbflmh 1 Now, it toit BXLnmi u, I
PICKBD THIS UTTUi BlOOAB TTP THX OTHXB DA,T FOB ▲ MIBB SOVO. BOLTXD WITH ▲ TbAP — KIOKXD XYBBTTHINO TO SHiflH. BiD
THB FXLIX)W ▲ TXNKSB VOB HXB, AND THBRB 8H1 Ml" {OU Pmiy U^ U> fidlhai ***E dmC Jmi(nO w1m*U tMTt," w
''MUSIC HATH CHAEMS/'
A SoNO TOE ▲ SuMMBB Dat, 1896.
{A Very Ltmg Way aftmr Drydm,)
[*' Mr. Hx&BX&T OLADBTom, in reply to Mr.
Ai&D, laid he was glad to tell the hon. gentleman
that he had been informed by hia Bo jal Highneaa
the Bnke of Cakbbidob that arraogementa were
being made for a military band to play in Hyde
Park on eertain days in iummer.*' — jPurlimMnUnry
JUpert.]
I.
Iir hinnoiiy. in public hannony,
Thii bit ox pleasant news began.
St Stephen's underneath a heap
Of boming qnestions lay.
When HiBBBBT raised his need
His tonefnl Yoioe was heard on high.
And this is what it said :
Tbat Great Gsoxes Rahoxs ooold desery
A ehanoe of makinfr a big leap
To pop-n-Iar-i-fy.
That Mnsio*s power ihonid liaye fnll summer
And the bands begin to play I [sway,
With harmony, with general namumy,
Aroond the information ran
That harmony, sweet harmonj.
Should stay mere rumpus with its rataplan.
And make Hyde Park a pleasant plaoe to ICan I
What pasiiim oannot Muilo raise and queU P
When MXBBUT thumps the dde-dmmwell
The listening nursemaids wdl may stand
A-wondering at that ourly swell, [around,
A-worshipping tiie rattling sound.
Less than a dook they think oan hardly dwell
In that drum-mMor's toffy togs.
He startles even th» stray dogs I
What passion oannot Musio raise and quell P
m.
The brass band's loud dangour
The populaoe charms.
The kettledrum-banger
The babr alarms.
At the douDle, double, double beat
Of young GLADSioin's drum
The Soo&alist spouters from back street and
Cry, ** Hark I our foes some I [slum
Wayohl TTs 'ad better retreat I ''
IT.
The shrill and sprightly flute
Startles the seouluxist spouts and ahovers.
The crowds of musLc-IoTMrs
Flock to its sound and leaTe tub-thumpers
mute.
y.
Dark Anarehists prodaim
Their jealous pangs and desperation,
Fury, frantic indignation.
Depths of spite and nsights of passion.
Musio mars their little game.
yi.
Yes, Musio's art can teach
Better than sayage ungrammatic speech.
Young HxBBUT let us praise,
** The dear Dodk'' let us bye!
The weary wayfarer, the wan-faced
slummer, [Drummer,
Beneath tiie qlell of Music and the
Feel ratadans and rubadubs to raise
Their souls sour spleea abore.
yn.
** Orpheus could lead the sayaffc raoe.
And trees uprooted left their place.
Sequacious of the lyre.'^ —
Preoiiely, Glorious Jomrl Yet 'twere no
lark
To see the trees oayorting round the Park.
No I Our CiaiLiA's aim is eyen higher.
To soothe the sayage (Sodalistio) breast.
Set Atheist and Anarchist at rest.
And to abate the spouting-Stiggins pest
Young Hebbiiit and grey Gnonax
may well aspire.
The ''Ifilingtary Dodk'"8 permission's
giyen
That the Pferk-PubUo's breast, be-Jawed and
beered.
May by tiie power of harmony be oheered,
And lifted nearer heayen I
Gbaxd Ghoxus.
(By a OraUftd Crowd.)
'' This 'ere 's the larkiest of lays I
Things do begin to moyel
'BxBXBi and GxoxftT let us praise^
And all the powers aboye.
We 'ye spent a reglar pleasant 'our
Music Iflke this the Mob deirour.
Yah I Anerdhy is all my heye.
That comet tooUee scrumptiously.
Goit^youngGuoNRmrftl Don'tsaydie
Dear jSook, but 'aye another try.
'Armony makes disorder ily
And Musio tunes bus to the sky I
gl(;
148
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[Maboh 80, 1896.
'THE ' KEY-NOTE '-ORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH
Mk. PufKBo's new play at the Ghmiok Theatre is a leriee ol
in dialogue with only one " sitoation/' whieh oomes at the end of the
The Dowdy Mrs. Ebbimith
it hot for her yoirni: i
•ereral langueffes, and evidently only lugged in under the mistaken
impreMion that therehy a tonoh of ** looal oolonr " is ohtained.
As it is the audience wearies of the long speeches, and there is
nothing in the action that can rouse them as there was in The Second
Mrs. Tanqueray, a play that Mr. PiiriRO has not yet
equalled, much less surpskssed.
^ut wnat is a real pleasure, and what will attract all
lovers of ^ood acting, is, first ot alL Mr. Fohbes Bobkbt-
80N*8 admirable impersonation of llie difficult, unsympa*
thetio role of a despicably selfish, self-conceited, cowardly
prig ; and, secondly, to a certain extent, the renderinF of
the heroine by Mrs, Patrick Caicfbsll, who, however, does
not come wiuiin measurable distance of her former self as
Mre. Tanqueray—het '* great stove scene" being about the
weakest point in her peitormance. But there cannot be a
divided ooinion as to the perfect part given to Mr. JoHff
Hi&a, and as to the absoluteljr perfect manner in which it is
played by this consummate artist in character. AU the soenes
in which he appears are admirablv conceived by the author,
and as sdmirably interpreted by the actor.
Mr. Hiss's performance of uie Duke of Si, Olpherts is a
real gem. ranking amonff the yery best tlungs he has ever
done, and I may even add ** going one better?' It is on his
acting, and on the acting of me scenes in which he appears,
that uie ultimate popularity of the piece must depend. The
theatrical stove-oum-book situation majr tell with some
audiences better than with others, but it is not an abediite
certainty; while every scene in which the Ditke of SL
Olpherts takes pert, as long as this dharaoter is played by
Mr, HA.SS, is in itself an absolute isolated triumph. Mr.
AiTBBST Smith, as the modem younff Eoglish moustached
parson, en voyage, with his jpip^ uid bible in his pocket (is
ne a colporteur q£ some Bibhcal Society, with a peroentafe on
the sdeP otherwise the book is an awkward size to carry
about, especially if he has also a Murray with him), is very
true to life, at all events in manner and appearance ; and
Miss JsFFSCTS, as his sister, who looks just as if she had
walked out of a fashion-plate in The Oentlewoman.OT some
lady's journal, plays discreetly and with considerable self-
repression. Of course it will remain one of the notable pieces
of the year ; but wha^ will keep it green in the memory of
; third act, and was evidentlv intended to be utteriy unconventional. I playgoers is not ti^e story, nor its heroine, nor its hero, but the capti-
dreadfully daring, and thrillingly effective. " Unconventional f '* | vating impersonation of the DUkeofSU Olpherts by Mr. John Haub.
Yes. '*I>aringr'' Certainly : for to bum a bible might liaye
raised a storm of sibilation. But why dare so mudi to effect so
little f For at the reading, or during rehearsal, there must have
been yery considerable hesitation felt by everybody, author included,
as to the fate of this risky situation— this ^* momentum unde pendet^
' — and for which nothing, either in the character or in the previous
history of the heroine, has prepared us. Her earliest years have
been passed in squalor ; she has made a miserable marriag^e ; thenshe
has become a Socialist ranter, and hopes to achieve a tnumi^ as a
Socialist demagogue. like Maypole Hugh in Bamahy Rudge she
would go about the world shrieking ** No property I No jproporty I *'
and when, in a weak moment, she consents to temporarily orop her
** mission," she goes to another extreme and comes out in an evening
dress^I might say almost comes out of an evening dress, so egregi-
ously dicoUetS is it— to please the peculiar and, apparently, low taste
of her lover, who is a married man,—** which weU she Imows it," as
Mrs. Gahp observes,- but with whom she is living, and witii whom,
like G&OTT A my 's The Wofnan who did (a Isdy whom in many
respects Mr. Pihsso's heroine closely resembles), and who came to
grief in doing it, she intends to continue living. This man, her
paramour, she trusts will be her partner in the socialistic regenera-
tion of the human race. At the dose of the third act Mrs. EHh
smith, bein^ such as the author of her being has made her, is
presented with a bible, and, in a fit of ungovernable fury, she
pitches it into the stove *^ with all her might and main " ; sna then
it suddenly occurs to her that she has committed some terrible
crime -^ore probablv it occurred to the author that he had com-
mitted the unpardonaole sin of offending his audience) — and so she
shoots out her arm iato a mo€, oool-looking stove (suggestive of
no sort of danger ba her qr the Ixiok)^ ojid drags out the podcet Tolume
apparentl|r (j^uite sib unim tired aa is her own hand at the moment,
though this IS a^bs^uentlyoaref ull J bound upwith a white hand-
kerchief in the la^t mU Well— that U alL There is the situation.
The Ee^-note-orioua 3fr9, Mbbmnith is supposed to repent <xf her
sins against society ; and of ahe goei to become the co mpa nion of the
unmarried pardon and of the lively widow his sister. What the re-
sult of this arraji^emeut will be la pretty dear. The Eey-note-orious
> One will soon be the pan^n^s bride ; but '* tiiat is another story."
To carry out thia Jramajof inaction, as it is schemed, should occupy
eight persons sometbing uiider two hours ; but it takes thirteen per-
sons three hourfi t*> carry it aloEf . Five of these dramatis person^e
are superfluouii ; and much titDe i8 wit^t'ed on dialogues in Itslian and
i^rench that cx>idd be *^ faked up " from any conversation-book in
Trasiformttion Sosae.
The Bowdr-Dowdy Mrs. Ebbsauth fstdnates
ths Doolie au uy ^*i.w_-* -^.^.^ %„••' --. iit ■'ki^
i i1
30, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAM.
u»
THE GAME OP DRAUGHTS.
(By One v>Ko ha8 Playid U.)
Absumk that I am liying in Yokohama
QardeoB (before the pleasant change from
winter to spring), and that I am oonsoions of
the near apinmioh of the North Pole. The fires
in the ffratee seem to be lukewarm, and even
the ooalB are frozen. My servants have told
me that the milk had to be melted before it
ooold adorn the breakfast-table : and as for
the butter, it is as hard as marble. There is
only one thing to do, to send for l^t worthy
oreatore Mr. Lopsidx, an individual '* who
oan turn his hand to anything.''
** Well Sir,'' Mr. Lgpsidb arrives and ob-
serves after a few moments spent in careful
consideration of the subject from various
points of view, '* of course you feel the cold
because there is five-and-twenty degrees of
frost just outside."
I admit that Mr. Lgpsidk'b opinion is reason'
able ; and call his attention to the fact that a
newspaper which is Iving on the fioor some five
yards from a dosed door is violently agitated.
••I see Sir," says he prranptly. -^If you
will wait a moment I will tell you more
about it"
Hejtakes off his coat, throws down a oag
of tools (his chronic companion), and lies fiat
on the floor. Then he ^Uoes his ri^ht ear to
the greund and listens intently, pointing the
while to the newspa|^ that has now ceased
to suffer from agitation.
'* There you are. Sir I " he exclaims
triumphantly. ** There's a draught there.
I could feel it distinctly."
He rises from the ground, reassumea his
overcoat, and once more possesses himself of
his bag of useful instruments.
** Well, what shall I do ?" I ask.
*' Well^ you see Sir, it's not for the likes of
me to advise gentry folk like you. I wouldn't
think of presuming upon such a liberty."
'' Not at all, Mr. Lopsisx," I explam with
some anxiety.
**Then Sir— mind you, if it's not taking
too much of a libc^— I would, having
draughts, get rid of them. And you have
draughts about, now haven't you P "
I hasten to assure him that I am convined
that my house is a perfect nest of draughts.
" Don't you be too sure until I have tested
them," advises Mr. Lopsisi.
Then the ingenious creature again divests
himself of his overcoat and workman's bag
and commences his labours. He visits every
door in the house and tries it. He assumes
all sorts of attitudes. Now he appears Hke
JxsaiB Browit at Luokuow listening to the
distant slogan of the coming Highlanders.
Now like a colleague of Gut Fawkis noting
the tread of Lord Montxaoli on the road to
the ^runpowder cellar beneath the Houses of
Parliament. His attitudes, if not exactly
graceful, are full of character.
'* There are draughts everywhere," says
Mr. I/>P8iDS, having come to the end of ms
investigatkms.
*' And what shaU I doP" I ask for Uie
second time. Again my worthy inspector
spends a few minutes in self -communing.
** It 's not for the likes of a poor man like
me. Sir, to give advice ; but if I were you.
Sir, I would say autiplutooratic tubing."
*' What is antiplutocratio tubing ? "
"Well, Sir, it's as good a thing as you
oan have, under all the droumstances. But
don*t have antiplutooratic tubing because I
say so. I may be wrong, Sir."
No, no, Mr. Lopsedb," I reply, in a tone
of encouragement. '* I am sure you are right.
Do you think you could get me some aati-
plutocratic tubing, and put it up for me P "
'* Why, ol course I could, Kr I " , returns
SO LIKELY!
SoxNS— An* of a BofUway RKfmkmm4 Room.
Barmaid, *'Tiul, BikV' ifr. itoooy. " Tba 1 1 1 ME 1 1 1 1"
my worthy helper, in the tone of a more than
usually Mnevolent Father Christmas. Then
he seems to lose heart and become despondent.
" But there. Sir, it 's not for the likes of me to
say anything."
However, I persuade Mr. Lofsidi to take
a more cheerful view of his position, and to
undertake the job.
For the next three hours there is much
hammering in all parts of the house. My
neighbours must ima^e that 1 have
taken violently to sointual manifestations.
Wherever I wander I nnd my worthy assistant
hard at work covering the borders oi the doors
with a material that looks like elongated eels
in a condition of mummification— if I may
be permitted to use such an expression. Now
he IS standinff on a ledge level with the hall
lamp; now he is reclining sideways beside
an entrance-protecting rug ; now he is hang-
ing by the bannisters midway between two
landings. The day grows apace. It is soon
afternoon, and rapidly becomes night. When
the lights are bediming to appear in the
streets without mx. LopflEDX has done. My
house is rescued from the draughts.
«'* Ton won*t be troubled much mor^ Sir,"
says he, as he glances contemptuously at a
door embedded in antiplutocratio tubing.
**Eeep those shut and the draughts won't get
near you— at least so I think, although I may
be wrong. Thank you. Sir. Quite correct.
Qood evening."
And helleaves me, mufiied up in lusovercoat,
and still dinging to his basket, with its
burden of saws, hammers, chisels, and nails
of various dimensions. I enter the dinin|[-
room with an air of satisfaction as I hear his
echoing footsteps on the pavement without,
and attempt to dose the door. It will do
almost everything, but it wont shut. I give
up the dimng^room, and enter my study.
Again, I try to close the door* But no ; it
has oanght the infection of its neighbour uid
also declines to dose. I try the ooors of the
drawing-room, bedroom, and the dressing-
room. But no, my efforts are in vain. None
of them will dose. The wind howls, and the
draughts rush in with redoubled fury. They
triumph meanly in my despsir.
There is only one tmng to do, and I deter-
mine to do it. I must send for Mr. Lopsedi
to take away as soon as possible his anti-
plutocratio tubing. After all lie was right
when he had those, aksl unheeded misgivings.
Hesaid'*hemig|^,^y^^j^^::^::^;wp4
50
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVAM.
[Maboh so, 1896.
THINGS ONE SAYS WITHOUT THINKING.
"I 'M 80 80BBT TOTT 'YX HAD TO OOMX AND DiHB WITH 178 WITflOUT TOVB HUBBAND, LiZZT. I SUPPOSE THX BXAL TBUTH 18
SAT, BBING LkNT, HH 's DOING PbNANOX BT DIHINO AT HOMX 1 "
"Oh, NO 1 I AflSFBX TOU 1 Hi THINKS FT A PSNANOX TO DINX OUT 1"
lUAKTESJDAT; OB, DEKAVD AVD HO STTPFLT.
Resentful Jtatepaym- loquitur : —
** DxKAKD and Sufyply I '* So eoonomists ory,
And one, they assore ns, must balinoe the other.
Jfanoy their doctrines are just all my eye,
Bnt then I 'm a yiotim of bad times and bother.
At least, friend Aqnarins, you 'U understand
That Jaok Frost and you haye between yon upset me.
Yon are down on me— ah I like a shot— with Demand,
Bat as to Sapply— ah I that 's just where yon get me.
Water PJ k Yon frosty old fraud, not a drop,
Saye what I haye purohased from urchins half frozen,
I 'ye had for six weeks for my house and my shop.
And they tell me the six weeks may swell to a dozen I
Gall that Water-Supnly, Mister Mulbenry Nose f
Why, your oozy old eyelids seem winking in mockery,
My cisterns are empty, my pipes frozen dose,
I 'ye nothing for washing my hands, clothes or crockery.
As to flushing my drain-pipes, or sinks, why you know,
I might as well trust the Sahara for sluicing.
AbathP Yes, at tuppence a pailful or so.
Qood gradous I we grodge eyery tumbler we're using.
Your stand-mpes and tanks compensate for such pranks ?
Get out I X on are playing it low down, Aquanus.
BenatefulformerdesBosmall, Sir? Nothanksl
My wrongs at your hands haye been many and yarious.
But these last six weeks. Sir, are just the last straw
That break the strong back of the rate-payiii
I do not quite know what ' s the state of the lay ,
But »/ yours is all freedom, and mine is all trammel.
If yours is Dsmand. and mine is not Supply,
As 'twould seem by the look of that precious rate-paper,
A^raarius, dd boy, I naye plans in my eye
For dieddng your pretty monopolist caper.
Pay up, and lode pleasant? Ah yes, that 's my rule
For eyery impost, from Poor Bate to Income.
But paying for what you don't get flts a fod,
Besides, you dd Grampos-Grab, whteice wiU the tin come P
Supply discontinued f Aauarius, thai threat;
Is losing its terrors. I don't care a penny.
'Twon't frighten me now into payment, you bet.
When for the last six wedu I hayen't had any.
Whose fault P Wdl, we '11 see. But at least you '11 agree
When Supply 's undertaken, and paid, in adyance, for,
A man expects something for his L. B. D.
Then what haye you led me this doose of a dance for P
That question, dd Snorter, demands a prompt answer.
And Taurus expects it of you, my Aquarius,
Or else, Sir, by Gemini, Jahall turn Cancer,
And then the monopolists mayn't look hilarious.
How do the Water Bates come to my door P
'Twould furnish a subject for some brand-new Sotjthst.
Your dunning Demand aotea are dways a bore.
But when one is grubby, half frozen and drouthy.
When cisterns are empty and sinks are unflushed|
And staircases sloppy, and queer smdls abounding.
To be by an usdess Aquarius rushed
For '^immediate payment" ift— wdl, it 's astoonding.
How will the water come down through the floor
When mains are unfrozen and pipes are all *' busting" P
W^ spurting and squirting, wiui rush and with roar,
The wall-papers staining, the flre-irons rusting.
And rushing, and gushing, and flashing and splashing,
And makinff a sort of Aix douche of ue bedroom,
And comfort destroying, and eyery hope dashing.
And leaying one scarce a square yard of dry hcMd-room*
'Twill leak, spirt and tridde, and, oh meh apidde
WiU make of my dwdling, from garret to basement.
Well, that's qfUr thaw. But, by Joye, it does tickle
My fancy, and fill me with angry amazement^
To see you mere standing ioe-coo La nd demanding
Prompt payment— for what P Why, lonir wateness worry I
Aquarius, we mutt haye a fresh understanding ;
TiU then— **CaU again! " and donH be in a hurry!
ISlamt door, and retires in dudgeon.
Motto fox Stooxbbokkbs.— A mine in the Bandt is worth two in
the Biuih.
TTigiTize^^y"%rTTnrrXTC
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL— Maboh 30, 1895.
QUAETEK-DAY ; OE, DEMAND AND NO SUPPLY.
R^TiPATEB. "WHAT'S THIS FORP WATER! WHY I HAVEN'T HAD Ainr I '* -.OOQIP
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MiLBOH 30, 18950
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
153
THE WOMAN WHO WOULDNT DO.
(Shs-NoU Series,)
Ths two were seated in an untrammelled Bohemian sort of way on
the imperturbable expaiise of the South Downs. Beneath them was
a earpet of sheep- son«l, its orbicular perianth bemg sUghtly depressed
by their healthy weight. In the distance they noticed thankfully
the sauoer-shapiBd oombes of paludina limestone rising in pleasant
strata to the rearing
scarp of ^9 Weald.
PERxronro Allak
was the gentleman's
name, fie had only
met PssiTDOirTicLi
Bamptoit the day
before, but already
f r.om mere com-
munity of literary
instincts they were
life-long mends.
She had reached the
trvsting-plaoe first.
All ^e modest
women do this.
"PaEUDONYlCLil"
said PsBueiKO,
blushing easily to
his finger-tips.
"PBRUeiNOl"
said PSEUDONTICIA,
blushinff to hers. It
was early ^ of course,
for ChrisUan names,
but then the Terewth
had made themFree-
and-Easy.
"PEBUeiHOl"
said PSKUBOKTMIA,
bringing her eyes
badk from the in-
finite to rest without
affectation on her
simple Greek chiton, '' I have often wanted to meet a real man who
had written a book with a key to it on the haxk of the coyer. Now
tdl me franklj some more beautiful things about our present loath-
some system of chartered monogamy, so degrading to my sex. Talk
straight on, please, paffes at a tune. Nerer mind about Probability.
Terewth is stranger tbaik Probability ; and the Terewth, you know,
shall make you Fifee I "
PEBuenro sank back into the spongy turf, leaning his cheek
against an upright spike of summer furze of the genus UUx
£urop4eu$, ** Some men," he began, ** ignoble souls, * look about '
them before they many. Such are calculating egoists. Pure souls,
of finer wte, are, so to speak, horn married* Others hesitate and
delay. The difficulties dt teething, a paltry desire to be weaned
before the wedding, reluctance to being marned in long clothes, the
terrors of crou]^ duiing the honeymoon— these and other excuses,
thinly veiling hidden depths of depravity, are employed to defer the
divine moment. I have known men to reach the preposterously ripe
age of one-and-twenty unwedded, protesting that they dare not risk
their prospects at the Bar. These men can never mate like the
birds, never be guide-posts to point humanity along the path of
Terewth."
**But," interrupted PsEunoNXiaA, rose-red to her quiverii
finger-tips with shame at the bare mention of marriage ; *' but
thouffht you disapproved of the debasing principle of wedlock."
** Do not interrupt." saidPcRUGDro, kindly ; '* I will oome to that
two or three pages later on. To be prudent, I was going to say, is
to be vicious and crueL Of course it is not given to all to be bom
fnarried. But this natal detect one can easuy remedy. I knew a
younr fellow who did. The indispensable complement crossed his
path oef ore it was too late. He was still at his preparatory school ;
ne married the matron. True, there was disparity of age, but it was
a step in the ri^ht direction ; though the head- master, a man of
common conventional ideas, gave the Doy a severe rebuke.
'* But to push on at once to contradictions. Marriage, I have said
elsewhere, is a degrading systeni, nurtured under the pnrde hang-
ings of the tents of imquity. in my |rospel Love, like Terewth,
should be Free ; ever moving on, moving on. Now, Italy is the
home "
**Ah!" cried PaEUDOimaA.. '*ItalyI That raninds me of sun-
burnt Siena. What a wonderful Peruguinesque chapter that was in
your book. like a leaf torn out of the live heart of Baepbbbb I "
"Italy," continued pEBn«izro diwgedly, "is the home of back-
grounds, I would like ereryone to have a background— a past ; the
more pasts the better. Is not that a beautiful thought P Ev^r
moving on to something different I"
** That has been thedream of my childhood," said Puudohtiiia,
her white Cordelia-like soul thrilled through and through with
sacred convictions. A ripe gorse-pod burst in the baskiog sunlight.
(*' I never remember seeing sunlight bask before," she thought.) A
bumble-bee said something inaudible. '*Bat why," she added,
" did you never gite this pure sentiment to the world before f You
who have written so many many books? " '
** My child," replied the artist, '* I was compelled to write down to
the public taste. One must consider one's prospects. This, you will
say, seems to dash with what I said before about calculating egoists.
But profession and practice are ever divorced under our depraved
syst^ of civilisation. At last, having establisitd myself, I rose
superior to sordid avarice, and wrote for once solel to satisfy my own
taste and consoienoe."
** A noble sacrifice I " said Psbuboittmia. suppressing her dimples
for the moment ** As the physically weaker vessel, I could only
have done it under an assumed name. But tell me of one difficulty
which you have so cleverly avoided in your book. This question oi
the family. Will not a confusion arise in another generation when
nobody quite knows who and how many his or her half-brothers and
half-sisters are P"
*' PsKUBOimciA I " said PsBuaiNO, and his voice broke in two
places, '*I am pained. I had thought that you, so pure, so
emancipate, would have had a soul above blithering detaiL Besides,
do you not see that in this way the whole worid will eventually
become one family P JFe may not live to see this Millennium, but
future Fabians may. What we want is a protomartyr in the cause.
Shbllbt promised well, but he ultimately reverted to legal wedlock.
As for me, I have been deemed unworthy of the crown. I am, alas!
l^PPJ^y married. But you, you are single ; why should you not set
to all your sister-slaves a high example of that martyrdom of which
the glory, as well as the inconvenience, has been domed to me P "
*' Ah, dear PE&uanfo I " she cried, visibly affected for the tiuid
time to her finger-tij)s, ** must it ever be so P Profession, as you si^,
divorced from practice P Must one more noble name be addea to the
list of those that shodc the world so fearlessly with their books and
live such despicably blameless lives P I myself, too, am misleading
in print. You judged me by my pseudonymous publications to be
single and unscrupulous. But you were wrong. I also am unequal
to the weight of that crown. How can I be your martyr in the cause—
I who these many years have worshipped the very dust on which my
husband dei|gns to tread P Can you and I ever be forgiven for thus
sinning against the light P "
PsRxreiNO rose to go, indignant, disillusioned. " £t tu^ Pskudo-
NTKIA P " he bitterly cried. (She had been at Girton and could follow
the original.) *' Then 1 give you up. You are, I grieve to think, a
woman who wonH do," And he made a she-note of it.
•* WITH WHAT POBPOISE P "
[A porpoise has been seen gambolling in the Thames at Putney.]
Such a sea on at the North Forelandl Glad to get out of it. Nice
river coming down from somewhere. Must explore it.
Near some town. No end of oysters about. Oysters say it's
Whitstable. Seem dreadfully depressed. Ask tiiem if the late cold
was too much for themP No. it's not that, they say, but iiyurious
stories have been circulated about them by meduMd men. Been called
**typhoidaL" Nobody patronises them, and they've **lost their
seascm in town." What do they mean P
Off Southend Friendly sole advises me not to venture further.
** Tempt not the Baridng Outfall," he says, and adds that the
^* water at London will poison me, and I shall be made into boots."
London I Always wanted to see it. What 's the good of being called
** a kind of gregarious whale " by the dictionaries if I avoid society P
Got past Barking safely ! Who is it— BBOwimre I think— wrote a
m>em about ** Sludge, the Medium." Must have written it near
Barking. Arrived off Wanstead Flats. See a respectable man on
banks being chivied by a mob. Told (by a sinrat) that 'Ht's Mr.
Hills, of the Thames Ironworks, who*s beoi helping the unemployed"
Now the unemployed seem helping him / Tower Bridge rather fine.
Westminster. Big building. Curious scent in air. Told it 's the
Houses of Parliament, and scent ib eucalyptus, ^* because of the
iofiaenia." Curious word— wonder what it means.
Up at Putney. See University Boat-Baoe, if I can stay long
enough. Feel sleepy. Must be the amount of bad water I 've
drunk, ^ock up against an ioe-fioe. Two men in boat try to
shoot me. They seem unemployed Do they want to make me into
soup for the poorP Not if I know it. Irundle back seawards.
Meet a sea-gulL Says somebody tried to hook him from embank-
ment. Says he ** doesn't like London." Bather inclined to agree
with him.
Back at sea. Know now what infiuenza means— because J've
catsght U ! Awful pains in my hide I Must consult a leech.
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
piABOH 30, 1895.
THE INTROSPECTIVE BARD.
PsBflmmrr seLf-analyiifl,
Perf acted more and more,
The mirror to my spirit is.
Which it performs before.
For *' progress" let reformers
pine.
Let meronants tml for pelf—
The study of a soul like mine
Is certainly Itself I
For girls who at my shrine wiU
bum
An incense deHcate,
I '11 lightly probe the problems
stem
Of LoYe, and life, and Fate ;
And as their darkness I dis-
perse,
I mark with interest
The diyerse chords that girls
diyerse
Awaken in my breast
Not haying known a broken
heart,
Nor any scathing pain,
I can afford, in life and art,
The pessimistic yein.
In many a literary gem,
Polished with care supreme.
Mildly, but firmly, I condemn
So poor a mnnaane scheme.
And yet, a modest competence
My pensiye mood proyides,
My sentiments — like spea-
mtmm
On mioroscopio slides —
When I on woyen paper fair,
In woyen words ulume,
I make a kind of subtle, rare.
And Esoteric Boom I
PoLiCB Chasgx aoadtbi
XCITXD THSOOXOBTOiriAir
Jobber. — ** He jobbed me in
the eye."
IN THE VESTRY.
Mimtter (who has exehanfftd puipiU—to MvMdm't Mtm), " Do tott comb
BACK FOB Mb aftbb takibo itp thb Books t"
MinisUr*s Man, "Ou AT, SiB, I ooiCBS BAOK BOB tb, and tb vollows
Mb AT A BISPBOTTUL DI8TAN0B 1 "
A BYB-ELBCnON LAY.
{BfrnHmp p s mt H i WMUm
Wwr§-pmlUr,)
Aftir a conflict suflh as this.
Some moralising 's due :
And we in BristoTof the nght
Can take a '•bird's^ye"
yiew.
The poll we cannot troly call
The ideasantest of pills ;
It's really rather ead onr
"W<m'ts" ["WiLLB."
Should come so near onr
Yet there's some oomfort in
the fact.
Some salye for spirits sore,
That Bristol nobly has not
shruak
Fro m spilling of its "G oBB."
A Balpovbub Quebt. —
**No possibility of any retom
to the shareholders," was, in
the PaU MaU QatetU, the
heading of a report of a meet-
ing of the members ol the
*^beratorGompany." What!
no pesnbility c2 onyretomP
Yes, surely, the return of
Jabbz. But eren then— eiii
bono t or Oui Buenos Ams P
Who of the unfortunate loeers
would not far rather get baok
something than get back some-
body,and that somebodyJABBL
Thb Eablt Bibd. — Mr.
GkMLDra, British Minister, has
demanded an indemnity trom
the Nicarafuans of £15^000 for
the expulsion of Mr. Hatch,
British ^ce-Consul at Blue-
fields. GoamrG is no goose,
that's dear. He offers the
Nicaragamuffins a Hatch-way
out of the difficulty of tbmr
own making.
OUE BOOKING-OPnCE.
*' What so interests you P" asked the yisitor. Replied the Baron,
**Japhet in Search of a Father. 1 haye not r^ it since m;
schoddays." '* You find it old-fashioned, eh P " ** WelL" answered
the Baron, ** the first few chapters are certainly old-fashioned, and
recall to my memory the italicised, punning style of Thbodobb
Hook and of Ttmi and Jerry, But tSaptain Mabbtat soon gets
away from this sort of thing ; and when he has once fairly stilted
his hero and his companion on their adyentures, the interest of
the story is neyer allowed to flag for a minute. I may add that I haye
not empyed any mddem story A adyenture so much as I haye this
one— always barring the romances of £n>BB Haooabd, Sibphbbsob.
'^,' Shobthovsb, and Pabkbb— as there is about it an old
Geoman-era flayour, with its duels, its ffambling-houses. its Tom-
and^erry episodes, its occasional drop mto melodrama, its yaried
characters of the period, its animal spirits and * go,' that makes it
—to me. at leasf— thoroughly fascinating." The illustrations, by
H. M. Bbook— which are specified as separately the property of
Messrs. MAOiOLLAir— bring yiyidly before the r^er tne manners
and oustonu ol the time. ** In these days of morUd yellow-jaun-
diced sensationalism, and of ' The New Woman,' I am delighted."
quoth the Baron, '* to reconmiend, and strongly, tioo, this first of tne
series of Captain Mabbtat's works, now in course (^ republication
chez MAdOLLAjr." The yisitor thanked his noble mend, and
withdrew. Then the Baron finished the noycL '* Good I " quoth
the Baron, dosing the book with renet at parting with a long-
forgotten but now recoyered friend ; *n>ut 'tis odd how one liyes and
leams. I do not remember haying eyer heard that Bottom the
weayer had been christened * Wnxux ' by Shakspbabb. Nor can
I find that buUy Bottom was so addressed by his friends. And if I
haye missed it, now came William to be the prinom of the Athenian
weayer in the time of Theseue and Hippolyta I I should as soon
expect to discoyer that Hercules was known to his companions as
Henry Heroules. Howeyer. this by the way, and only dpropoi of
a remark as to WHUam Bottotn^ the weayer, made by Mabbtat.
I anticipate with pleasure re-making the acquaintance ol Jaeoh
Faitf^ut tJkd MidsKipman JBaeyy
The Banishment of Jessop Blythe^ written by JoflBPH HATioir,
and published by Hutchiksob, bebngs te the TeUow Book series,
only, that is, as far as the coyer is concerned, which is of a starUingly
jaanidiced tone and does not in the least represent the kindly author^s
yiews of life. The etory is about the ropemakers by one who clearly
'* knows the ropes." This industry, as will be gathered from the
present romance, is not confined to Bopemaker's Walk, E.G., but
was for two centuries carried on by Trefflodytes or Oaye-dwellers in
Derbyshire. The hero Blythe is tumea out from the roping con-
munity as a thriftless drunkard, emigrates, is poor and wretched^, but
returns Blythe and gay, with a lot of money, to find. . . . But
here," quoth the Baron. '* I must pause, or the anr^se will be
heaniiy discounted, and the reader's pleasure spoilt. Thus far,
' " * ToUe : iege* " So recommends the
JuDicioirs Babob db B.-W.
farther.
no
8hAkBp«are and the A-br-y B-rdal-y Yellow
** She » Book.
DiyiBB WnxiAiCB knew the kind of unwholesome woman aboye
mentioned. In Lovers LaJbowr '« LoH he makes Biron say —
'* A whitely wanton with a relyet brow.
With two pitch balls itook in her faoe for eyes ;
At, and, by hesTon, one that will do the deed.
Taouf h Arfos were her eunueh and her gnaro."
Is not this the liying picture of the woman who would, or could,
but who shouldn't and oughtn't P
GHOOfliBft THB Spbaxbb.— A Suggestion was made last week tiiat
the competitors for the Speakership should draw lots. Now, if it
came to ** drawing lots," all in the House and out of the House,
haying seen ** lots'' of Sir Fbabx Blookwood's drawing, would ol
course pLaoe him first. So the drawing lots plan was abandoned.
so, 189B.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
155
THE nJETGIKL'S EEPLT .♦
DiAX Sir, Vt9 read tbraogh your dilaetaMe
Thoofiji the eap doeenH flt, I wOl wear it;
And hope (though I don't know your private
aeaigns)
Yon regret that saeh yenee were e'er writ I
There's flirting oiM^ flirting, you don't
to know.
Nor need a yoong woman he hearUees,
Who thinks that, hy haying Ave strings to
her how,
The four she rejects will thus smart less.
Pray how oan I help, if my features attract
And my sympathy wins each fond lover ?
Alas, idien they 're oonqnered, I own 'tis the
faot
That their weak points I sadly discover I
It may he, in s[dte of your captious alarm,
I ahall yet eigoy hliss hymeneal :
If this is my aisL not to jilt, where 's the harm
In my search for a husbsind ideal ?
« See page 14L
«ALA8 POOB YOKIOKI"
Iir ''DiokObaih" all have lost a** fellow
of infinite Jest" and a friendly critic who
soour^ our pleasant vices with such ffenial
criticism that everyone, hearing him, doarit-
ably applied the moral to his. or her. neigh-
bour. With Mrs. Gkbmak Reid, the Miss
PniSGiLLA HoBTOir of the stage, and her son
*' Tafp Run," the old Qallery of Illustration
Company comes to an end. CoBirxT Gbaih
successfully succeeded Johk Pahbt.
"C.G." Cit/U.
TOISISTA.
{A TopictU £xpltmiUwi$.^
Tom dark blue eyes are doubtless very sweet.
And I could hear without the least surprise
That connoisseurs dedare it hard to beat
Your dark blue eyes.
How is it if so^^much of magic lies
In your two *'orbs"I deem them incom-
plete F
"Why with disdain— I'm ^ng to poetise—
Do I your *' heavenly windows " ever treat ?
The exmanation Satuiday supplies.
I'm Cambridge. That's why I'm so loth
to meet Your dark blue eyes.
NU$, — *' Dark blue.** In riew of the coming
Boat Base thii may be taken as a prophecy, or tip.
APPLIED SCIENCE.
Sib, — The following may be of service to
your non-mathematical readers :—
Q. ** The hands of a dock are between 2
and 3 ; and in ten minutes' time the minute
hand will be as much in front of the hour
hand as it is now behind it. What is the
time?"
A. **AskPbUeemanX."
The crass medisBvaUsm of the Oxbridge doiL
I regret to say, failed to see this solution, and
I am andn coaching with old DBXTiaam.—
Yours theoretically and problematically,
TaAimojLL Y. Z.
CHAirftB OF Name.— Inconsequenceof recent
events crowded into one place, the name of
Throgmorton Street shall be obanged into
Thicogmorton Street.
UNKIND.
Our Minor Poet, "I bujsvb I should xnjot mt Holidats muoh mors it I
iMOOQNiro"
Frund. '*Tbavsl WDm toub Nom dm Plume, Old Mak 1"
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXT&AOTBD F&OK THE DiABT OF TOBT, M.P.
Sbuie of ComtnanM, Monday^ March 18. —
Navv Estimates on again, with the First
Lord listening patiently from otherwise
empty Peers' Gallery, and Bobbbtson making
admirable play from Treasury Bench. Chi-
valrous soul ox C^p'en Tomer Bowles moved
to admit that, after all, there had been worse
First Loids than Sfxhckb, and more uncivil
Lords than Robxbtsov. Private Havbubt
thinks this is weakness. If his colleague in
charge of the Navy is to talk like that, he
(the Private) will be expected, when the Army
Estimates came on, to say something nice
about CAWMXLL-BAKKSBMAir, to acknowledge
Woodall's keen grip over the business of
his department, and the r urtes^ with which
he discharges his Minist i ialTduties.
ALLAir o'Gatesheai on again with more
'* Bough Castings." Last time House in
Comnittee on Kavy Estimates he spread
feeling of genuine alarm by denouncing the
British boiler. •* Who," he thundered. ' " is
responsible for the endues of the Boyal
Navy ? Where is the Horttet you trumpeted
so loudly a year affo P Where,'^ he continued,
bending beetling orows on Civil Lord of the
Admiridty. '* are her boilers P"
**Bust/^ said Gobst, with guiltjr look.
Not that he had had anything to do with the
business, but because at this moment Allah
o'Oateshead chanced to fix a pair of flaming
eyes upon his shrinking figure, seated almost
imme£ately opposito at end of Front Bench.
*• Where IS the JJont«< now P Why, lying
in Portsmouth Yard, with her boilers out of
her, a useless hulk."
Allak is so big, so burly, wears so much
hair, writes poetry, is understood to be in the
boiler business himself, and, withal, addr e s se s
the Chairman with such terrific volume of
voice, that a panic might have ensued only
forJomrPiinr. Penit head of great engineer-
ing firm of old standing ana hiffh repute.
Understood to have engined fleet of five ships
156
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Maboh 30, 1895.
with which Dbaxe made thinri hot for Spain along the ooasts of
GhiU and Pern. Howerer that he, Pxnk now made it not for Allah
o'Gkiteahead. Showed in qtdte hosineea-like faahion that AiLAir'a
poetic f anoT had ran away with him. Convinoed grrateful Committee
Ihat British hoiler. on which safety of State may he said to rest, is
all right. A model speech, hrief , pointed. A man with something
to say, who straightway sits down when he's said it. As the poet
(not Allait o' Gkiteshead) says,
He eame as a boon and a blessing to men,
The modest, the lucid, elear-pointed J. Penk.
Busmesa cfofM.— Committee Toted trifle over fonr millions as wages
for Jack.
Tuesday. — ^Alderman CoTTOir. once Lord Mayor of London, a pro-
minent and popular member of the Dibbaeli Parliament, left behind
him the memoir of one ot those things we all would like to say if we
eoold. In the long series of debates on resolutions moved from Front
Opposition Bench challenging Jingo policy of the day, the Alderman
interposed. ** Sir," he said, **this is a solemn moment. Looting
towards the East we pfrceiTe the crisis so imminent that it requires
only a spark to let slip the dogs of war."
i Thattwas, and remains, inimitable. Bat to-night the MaoGssoob
^ came very near its
^ supreme excellence.
Stirred to prof ound-
est depths by de-
mands upon Naval
Expenditure. Pop-
ping up and down
uke piston in the
engine-room of Clyde
steamer; wrath
grew as Mellob,
failing to see him,
called on other
speakers. The Ma c-
Gbboob knew all
about that ; a reck-
less corrupt Oovem-
ment, afraid of
hearing the yoice of
honest criticism, had
suborned Chairman
of Committees to
prevent his speak-
ing. But they didn*t
know the Mac-
Greoob. After
something like two
hours physical exer-
cise in the way of
jumping up and
down he caught the
Chairman's eye, and
(in Parliamentary
sense, of course)
punched it. Then
^* passing from point
Amm's Gate all over House, desiring, as he said, to** pin him to
his words.'' Butiness ctbtM.— supplementary Estimates voted.
MaeOregor (m <* The JDougal Creature'^). '< I '11
pass from that point."
to poiAt,'' as be airilv put it, he went for Bx)BEBT80ir. Asked the
appEdled Civil Lord of the Admiralty what he supposed his consti-
tuents in Dundee would sav when they read his speech, in which
bang went millions as if they were saxpenoes? *^What will the
worthy citizeiie siiy, Mr. Mellob? " he repeated. ** Why they will
sav, ^ Ma conscience P "
Never since Dominie Sampson made this remark has so much
fervour and gocd Scotch accent been thrown in. ** Where's the
Chavoellob of tte ExchequebP" MacGbbgob presently asked,
evidently eager for fresh blood.
** That has nothing to do with the question," said the Chairman,
severely.
'*0h, hasn't it?" jeered the MacGbbgob. **I want to ask him
what he has done with our money ? "
Vision instantly conjured up before eyes of Committee of Sqitibe
OF Malwood prowUng about town with hifl pockets loaded
with £4,132,500, voted to defray the charge for wages in the
Navy, flinging the cash about like Jack ashore, making the most of
his time before Local Veto became the law of the land.
It was later that the MacGbbgob came in unconscious oompetition
with Alderman Corroir. Leaving the Navy for a moment b e surveyed
the Continent of Europe peopled with armed men. '* Why I " he
cried with comprehensive sweep of his arm, ''ihese great armies
are like fighting cocks. The least spark blows them up like maga-
zines of powder."
Not quite so good it will be seen as the Alderman, but good enough
for these degenerate days. Effect on Admiral Fteld so exciting
that he was presently diaoovered chaaing the Sage of Qtteek
Admiral Field pinning the Hon. Member to his words.
Thursday, — Carious to note the coyness with whiohCHouie
approaches real business. '^o-da^ Welsh Disestablishment Biucomos
on for Second Beading. Its passing this stage a foregone oonolusion.
The work of criticism, correction, possible re-moulding, will be done
in Committee, Committee b the Providence that shapes the ends of
Bills, rough hew them how we may in the draughtsman's hands or
on the second reading. For all practical purposes second-reading
debate might be concluded at to-night's sittinigr. It extended over
seven dear hours. CKven twenty minutes per speech, the maximum
length for useful purposes, twenty-one memoers, more than the
House cares to hear, might have spoken. The time saved, if neces-
sary, added on tu opportunity in Committee.
That, however, not the way we do business here. Diaestablish-
ment BiU a measure of first importance ; must be treated aooordingly.
So after Asqxtith talks for an hour and a quarter, Hicks-Beach
caps him by speech hour and half long, which nearly empties House.
Afterwards a dreary night. Papers on subject read by Members,
who rise alternately from either side. Few listen; newspaper
reports cruelly curt ; nevertheless, it 's the thing to do, and will go
on through at least four sittings. On last night men whom
House want to hear will speak, as they might have spoken on first
night. Then the division, and minor Members who have missed
their chance will endeavour to work off theirpaper in Committee.
Business done. — Second reading Welsh Church Disestablishment
Bill moved.
Friday. — Shall M.P.'s be paid out of public purse ? Dividing to-
night 176 say Yes, 158 stem patriots say No. GEoaeECuBZoir, fresh
from the Pamirs and still later from a sick bed, leads oj^position.
Sqitibe of Malwood is in favour of payment ; darkly hints that
when the time comes he will find the cash. This, though a little
obscure, looka like business.
'*! expect," said the Membor for Sabk, ** we shall live to see the
day when, on Friday afternoons. Palace Yard will be crowded with
Members waiting to take their weekljr monev. Suppose they'll go
the whole hog, give us what the navvies call a ' sub, that is, let us
draw in midclle of the week something on account. Of course we
shall have the full privilege of strikes. We 'U ' ffo out ' if we think
our wages should he raised. Sure to be some blacklegs who will
skulk in by central lobby and offer to do a day's talking on the old
terms. But we'll have pickets and all that sort of thing. Some-
times we'll march in a body to Hjde Park, and Baron Febdt will
address us from a waggon on the rights of man and the iniquity of
underpaying M.P.'s. I see a lugh old time coming. Shall put in
early clum for a secretaryship. Always a good billet."
Business c^ne.—Welsh Disestablishment Bill threw a gkxm Ofer
morning sitting. Geoboe Osbo&ne MoseAir, supporting Bill, men-
tioned that in episcopal circles he is regarded aa **a profligate"!
There is, sometimes, a naughty look about him. But this is really
going too far, even for a biahog.,^,^^^^^, .^^^ ^^
Apbil 6, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
167
''ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. X.—" East all 1 ** Pumpid ottt 1
THE STUDIO SEEKEE'S VADE MECUM.
Question, On wliat oeoarions do you partimilarly seek the studioe f
Answer. On two SandajB in the tmt— the oonseontiTe labbfiths
demoted to the exhibition of propoeed aoademy piotores by '* Oat-
riders." and •' A.'s," and " R. A.'s,"
Q. Do yon haont the abodes of artists at other times P
A. Never ; or, to oorer all posribilities, hardly ever.
Q. Then joa are not a lover of paintings for their own sake P
A. Certainly not; on the oontrury, I am, as a role, a better ^ndge
of frames than oanTases.
Q. Then why do yon go to St John's Wood, Chelsea and West
aTto see and be seen.
Q. Is it neoessary to know the artist whose piotores are "on
view"?
A. Certainly not. Yon oan nsnallT angle him out by the absenoe
of an orerooat, and oan generally spot his wife and daughter by the
non-appearanoe of promenading nead-gear.
Q what have yon to do when yon haire disoovered yonr inyolnn-
tary host and hostess ?
A. To shake hands with them with oondesoension, and partake of
their refreshments with gosto.
Q. WiU this invasion of the domestio oirde be resented P
A. No ; beoanse it is highly probable that you will be mistaken
for a newspc4;>er Art oritie, and respect for thePtess in Art circles is
nniyersaL
Q, Are not artists, as a body, a oommnnity of highly accomplished
gentlemen P
A. Certainly ; and, consequently, on ordinary occarions entitled to
well- merited respect
Q. Then whr should that ** well-merited respect" be refused to
then a month before the May opening of Burlington House P
A. Because it is the fiuhion.
Q. Surely this fashion does not exist amongst the better classes of
the community P
A. To some extent ; although it eertainlv is in neatest fayour
with esds and snobs, to say nothing of their female relations.
Q. Has any effort been made to stem this tide of unauthorised
and unwelcome iuTasion P
A. In isolated oases the master of the studio has sought the
noteoticm of the polioe to keep his studio free of the unknown and
the unknowable.
Q. But could not the scandal be removed with the assistance of
the leaders of Sooiel7 P
A. Assuredly. It would only hare to become unfashionable to
Tint studios <»i the Show Sundays for the painter to be left at peaoe.
Q. Would that be pleasing to the artists P
A. That is the published opinion, but the matter has not been put
absolutely to the test However, the ];>leasure of the artists is not to be
when the recreations of Brixton and Tooting are at stake.
TOL. OTIII. 1
APEIL POOLOSOPHT.
{ByOnecfTKem,)
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. WeU, this only shows
our valiant disregard of danger, our readiness of initiative, our ohaTn -
pionshiD of forlorn hopes. We are the heaven-sent leaders of all
New " enterprises, whether literary, theatrical, or artistic. It is
we who i)enetrate the mysteries of Bodleyosoi^y, Beardsleyotedhny,
and Yellow Astrology. We are the real and only ICahatmaniaos,
Sexomaniacs, Miasmaniaos. Amon^ our ranks you will find the
Women who Did, the anticonjuGallias, the shedonEeynotes, and all
their attendant and Discordant tribe of Jack-asses. We are the
elect and proper bell-wethers of mankind* Come to us, then, for
guidance.
Where ignorance is bUss, *tis foUy to he unse. Folly is there-
fore the true wisdom. However, this is an Oscarian iwradox, which
the Divine Williahs has previously plagiarised, ana enlarged on at
some length, so we will pass on.
Fools Suiid houses^ hut wise men Uvein them, Exaotiv so ; we are
the architects of this generation. TheTwise man depends on us for
his roof and lodging; and without uslhe would be homeless. We
have built **Snookson's FoUy" and '* Babel Mansions "-haU of
London, in fact The jerry-builders have done the rest
A fool and his money are soon parted. A compliment to our open-
handed and indiscriminate generority. It is we who swell the sub-
scriiytion list for the last new gold mine or building sodety ; who
subsidise insolvent South American Republics; who sui^ort the
mendicant tramp and the deserving blaekmailer.
There is no fool like an old fool. That is, the quality of folly im-
proves with keeping, like that of wine. The seniors of our class are
thoroughly reliable dd fools, and Past Grand Masters in the art of
ineptitude. We, fools as we are, know how to pay the proper
respect that is due to senility and second-c hi ldi s hn e ss.
A fool at forty is a fool indeed. This is a corollary of the preceding
aphonsm, for it is only at the age of two-score that we attain to
J ears of full indiscretion. We develop later than the rest of
umanity ; we undergo a severe probation before our daim to the
titie of complete nincompoop is recogmsed. Before forty there is yet
a chance that tiie budding ninny may desert and degenerate into a
prig, a Philistine, or a i^vrician. Alter that age he is safe, and oan
DC depended on tor unwisdom, whereas your ordinary wiseacre cuts
his Muok teeth and graduates in common-sense at twenty-one,
Lastiv, Fools stand in skvpery plaees^where wise men tumble
down; but this needs no furUier illustration than that provided years
ago by C. K., in Mr, Punches pages.
Not fox thux ** Bnr."— Judging from some of the evidence at
the recent trial of TiUeUY, *' J3& Jtforn«pi^" (ZtmtM),itprobablv
occurred to the unemployed dockers that they might have been well
docking" B.T.- •
employed in *
I salary.
-^^
158
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[April 6, 1895.
BISMARCK'S EIGHTIETH 9BIRTHDAY;;: A TARDY TRIBUTE.
[Laft week the Emperor of GnucAirf preieated Prinoe Bismabok with a sword iheathed in gold m a birthday preaent.— FmI# I>ailff Fapen.]
HiSTomiOAL Pa&a.ll«l.«** The notice you hare been pleaied to take of my laboora, had It been early; had been kind ; but it has been delayed till
I am indifferent, and eannot enjoy itr^JhirtiaiJrom J>r. JohmomU iMUr to Lord ChMterJMd, FAruary 1766.
L/iuiu^cu uy
-'"^-'d^'
Apbil6, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^
159
INNOCENT.
Spartwman {who has hem traitUnff a " Dark 'Vn** of hia aum for the ** Oramd NaHotuU"). "Thebs, mr BoT, thxbb's a Fittt to 0ns
OHAVOB FOR TOTT 1 NoW, JUST TOTT TAKB ICT ADYIOB, AKD OKT OK AT ONOB 1 "
LiUle Oremmniih, ** Gbt ok, sh ? Thavkt 1 Pilbfbk to sbb ths Lad ok hdc, thakkt t **
, blessed graad<
8ha]^>6]i. tnd also to
iptiat bmlding-
BISMAECK'S BIRTHDAY;
Or, a Tardy Tribute,
[<* In the presenoe of this band I now oome to
hand my gift to your Serene Uighness. I oould
find no Vtter present than a sword, the noblest
weapon of the Germans, a symbol oi that weapon
whieh your Highness, with my '^
&ther, nelped to forge, to ^
wield~a ijmbol of tnat
during which the mortar waa blood and uon, a
remeojr which nerer fidls."— The German Mm-
perer, mpreeentim^ a Sword of Bonour to Frmee
£iamarek, tn eelebration of hit eightieth birthdsfj]
[" The notioe which yon hare been pleased to
take of my laboort, haa it been early, had been
kind ; bat it has been delayed till I am indifferent,
and cannot enjoy it ; till I am solitary, and cannot
impart it; till I am known, and do not want it."
^Jkotor Johtteon to the Earl of Chetter/letd,]
Not the Dropped Pilot nowl * Theeiroliiig
yean
Bring their rerengeB, and to-day he standi.
Age-bowed but fim, amidst the ringing
cheers
Of ti&e yooitf Monarch's mailed Germanic
And with proo^ patience takes, from lesser
hands,
The proffered Symbol-sword !
Grim face, with years and labours scarred
and scored.
What marvel should those lines relax awhile
To a Satnmian smile P
Splendid dd Sword-endthf WiSLAim of oar
day,
Bestwielder of the matchless steel you made,
• See Cartoon, ** Dropping the Pilot," pp. 60—
61, YoL W, ICneh 29, 1890.
This '* Sword of Honour" is hut babv play
Compared with that tremendous Balsung-
blade
Forged Vy the mightiest master of his trade
Since the great Norseman wrought,
For the fierce battle-field where Titans fought.
What may the ehouting young Aim-.TAH know
Of its great swaihing uowP
He prates of Brandenburg, Iron and Blood,
In swelling royal rhetoric, hut jfou hear
The dash of squadrons in war*s sternest mood
In that '* great huilding-time '' ; and the
hoy-cheer
Of him who, eager the State-bark to steer,
. Snatched from your hands the helm,
Impetuous Palinurus of the realm, —
That cheer seems bitter and belated now,
^ Hollow, all sound and show I
You forged the blade he flourishes with pride.
That new Excalibur, ** Unity " ; you gave
That mighty weapon to Oermania^s side.
You and me ircni comrades, silent, braye,
WhofoughtbeneaththeflagheloYestowaye.
The man of scanty speech,
Who siBote and shouted not, in war's dread
breachf
The yaliant Emperor, and his noble son,—
By these the work was done.
And he, the inheritor of fulfilled renown.
Set the surrivor of the S^^endid Four
Coldly aside; wearing the iron crown^
Won for his wearing'midst red battle's roar.
Jauntily^ and the blade you sharpened bore
With cool comidaoent pride
As thou|^ his own himds boimd it to his side,
AndCnow he comes like Mars amidst his
^M-u ^ ranks,
• And brings-^belated thanks I
What thinks the andent Sword-smith in his
soulP
like the old scholar, sick with long neglect.
And help delayed till he had reachedthe goal,
Fame-orewned but solitary, self-respect
Might tempt him, old and weary,* to reject,
The tardy tribute. Raise
*'Hoohs," Empcoror-fugledl Shout hurrahs
of praise I
Render such honour as it may afford :
That glittering Symbol-sword 1
All well-deseryed, all worthily receiyed I
But think they cold ingratitude's slug-
trail
Dims not that blade P All generous ifpirits
grieyed
That grudging party malice so should ihil
Of patriot magnanimityi and rail
At the great chief who gaye
The sword they turned against him. Let the
braye
Join in one yoice in shouting loud, **Well
donel"
To one who made them One I
• ** I am a wear^ old man."— iViiMf Biamarek'e
epeeeh in replff to hie Hrthda^ eonpraiulatione.
Mbb. R.'s Absiinsncb.— The good lady
says, **My dear, I always like to strictly
obserye our Church's audiences, and so eyery
Friday morning during Lent I inyariably
haye a broiled skipper rar breakfast"
CoKGENTBATioir.— Mightn't the yerdicts of
separation or diyorce be reported in the
papers under the ordinary business heading
«f^' Partnerships Dissolyed"P ^^^m.^
160
PXJNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[ApaiL 6, 1895.
DOING A CATHEDRAL.
{A8keUhfromtheProvinces»)
QoEn—Tke inUrior of DuUhsiUr Cathedral. TrMX—Aboui 12.30.
The March BumlSne $lant$ in paie ehafU trough the cUreetmy
windowe^ leaving the aisles tn shadow. From without^ the
eawina of rooks tmd shouts of children at play are faintly
audible. By the West Door, a party of Intending Sightseers
have collected^ and the several proups^feeUna that it would be a
waete of time to observe anything in the bmiiing untU officiaUv
instructed to do so, are engaged in eveing one another with all
the genial antipathy and suspicion of true-born Britons.
A Stodgy Sightseer iio his friend). DiigraoeM, keeping ns ftand-
iag about like this I H I'd only known, I'd haire told the head
waiter at the "Mitre " to keep
baok thoee diope till
iffe breaks off abruptly,
iindina that the chops are
reverSeratinffromoohimn
to column wUk dispropor"
tionate solemnly; a white-
haired and apple - faced
verger rustles aown from
the choir and beckons the
party forward benignant"
ly, whereupon they ad^
vance with a secret satiS"
faction at the prospect of
** getting the cathedral
* done* and having the rest
of the day to themselves ;"
tJiey are conducted to a
desk and requested, as a
preliminary, to put six"
pence apifce in the RestO"
ratum ^Und box and in-
scribe their names in a
book.
Confused Murmurs. Would
Toa pat " Portioo Lodge. Cam-
aen Aoad, or only Looiaon P "
. . • Here, I 'd better ngn for
the lot of yon, oh P • • . They
might provide a better pen— in
a cathedral, I do think I . • ;
He mi^ht haye given all our
names in full instead of Jnst
"And party" ! . . . Oh, I've
been and made a blot— ^ill it
matter, should you think P . • .
I never can write my name
with people looking on, can
you t . . . I 'm sure you 'ye
done it beautifully, dear I . • .
Just hold my umbrella while I
take off my rlove, Mabia. . . •
Oh, why aimH they make
haste P fto., &o.
[The Stodgj Sightseer
fumes, feeUna that, while
they are flddUng, his
chops are burning.
The Verger. Now, ladies
and gentlemen, if you will please to follow me, the portion of the
building where we now are is part of the original heoifice founded
by Eausttha, wife of Earl Baldric, in the year height 'undred
heighty-heif ht, though we 'aye reason to believe that an even hearlier
ohiuoh was in existenoe 'ere so far baok as the Roman oocupation, as
is proved by a handent stone reoeptade recently disooverod under
the erypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.
A Spectacled S. (who feels it due to herself to put an intelligent
question at intervals). What was the meUioa of baptism among the
Earlv Christians P
Tne Verger. We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion.
Ma'am.
The Spect. S. OhP BaptitU !
[She sets down the £arly Christians as Dissenters, and takes
no further interest in them.
The Verger, At the baok of the ehoir, and immediately iu front
of you, is the shrine, formerly oontaining the bones of St. Chasuble,
with relies of St. Alb. (An Evangelioal Sightseer snorts in disap-
proval.) The 'ollow depressions in the stepsleading up to the shrine,
whioh are still vis>^le,lwere worn away, as jou see, by the pilgrims
asoending on the imees. {The party vertfy the depressions con-
scientiously, ana jlick theit tongues to express indulgent contempt.)
The moes between the harohes of the shrine were originally en-
riched by valuaUe gens and mosaies. all of whidi 'aye now long
sinoe disappeared, 'aving ben removed by the more devout parties
who oame^ere on pilgrimages. In the ehi^ to your left a monu-
ment with reoumboit heffigies of Bishop BoTTBns and Dean
OuBooTLB, repeaented lajinf side by side witii olaqped 'anda, in
token of the Ufelong affeetion between them. The late Bisht^ used
to make a rather facetious reoiark about this tomb. He was in the
'abit of observing that it was the honly instance in his ezperienoe of
a Bishop bein^ on friendly terms with nis Dean. (He glances round
for appreeiatwn of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained
tojinathat it has produced a general gloom ; the Evanffelioal Sight-
aeer, indeed, conveys by another, and a louder snort^his sense that
a Bishop ought to set a better example.) In the harohed receaa to
vour right, a monument in painted halibarster to Sir Ralph Rnro-
Dovs and his kdy.
" Wba( did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about ? *'
immediately after her decease
b:^ the disconsolate widower,
with a touching inscr^tion in
Latin^ stating tiiat thetr ashes
would short^ be commingled
in the tomb. (He pauses, to
allow the ladies of the party
to express a becoming sym-
pathy — which they do, bu
clicks.) Sir Rai.ph himself,
however, is interred in Fidkle-
bury Parish Church, forty mile
from this spot, alon^ with his
third wife, who surviyed bios.
[ The ladies regard the ima^
of Sir Ralph with indw-
nation, and pass on ; the
Yer^ chuckles faintly at
having produced his effect.
The BvangeUcal S. (sntifflng
the air stisp&iously). I 'm sorry
to peroeive that you are in
the habit of burning incense
here I
[He looks stemlu at the
Yetger, as though to imply
that it is useless to impose
upon him.
Ihe Verger. Ko, Sir, what
you smell ain't incense— on'y
the vaults after the damp
weather we 'ye bin 'aving.
[The Evangelical Siffhtaeer
drops behind, diviaed be-
tween relief and disap-
pointment.
A Plastic S. (to the Yerger).
What a perf eotly exquieite
mae- window that is I For all
the world like a kaleidoaoope.
I suppose it dates from the
NiMrman period, at lea^ f
The Verger (coldly). No,
ma'am, it was on'y put up
about thirty year ago. We
consider it the poorest gUsa
we 'aye.
The Plast. S. Oh, the
I meant the— the other part.
That was restored at the aame
glass, yes ; that 's hideous, certainly.
The Verger. The tracery, ma'amP
time by a local man— and a shocking job he made of it. too I
The Plast. S. Yes, it quite spoils the cathedral, doesn't itP
Conldn*t it be taken down P
The Verger (in answer to another Inquirer). Crowborough
-. « -V , T went ever a-
was quite
_^^ .__^ . don*t say
that mayn't be 'igher as a mere mattw of feet, but our lantern-tower
is so 'a^[nly proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the
'ighest in existence.
A Travelled S, Ah, you should see the continental cathedrals.
Why, our towers would nardly come up to the top of the naves of
some of them I
The Verger (loftily). I don't take no notice of foreign cathedrals.
Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so oetenUtiouB, all I can say is,
I 'm sorry /or them.
A Lady (who has provided herseff with a " Manual of Architec-
ture " and an unsympathetic Cofnpanion). Do notice the ezcessive
use of the lall-flower as a decoratioi^ Jev. PAJim^vs itjM
especially characteristic of this cathedral ^ ^
April 6, 1895.]
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVAEL
161
Untympathetie* Campanum, 1 don't see
any flowen myielf. And if they like to
decorate for f eeuyab and that, where '■ the
harmP
[The Lady with the Manual percewee
that it is hopelesi tojBxplam,
The Verger, The dog-tooth monldingi
round the triforinm harehesTis oonsidered to
belong to^the best period of Norman work
The Lady with the Manual. Sordr not
Norman f IXog-toothflis Saxon, I always
nnderstood.
The Verger (indulgentlv). Yon 11 exease
fiM, Ma'un, hut I fancy it 's 'erringbone ^ is
running in your 'ed.
The Lady with the M. {qfier eonsultina
*' Parker " far eorroboration^ in vain). Well,
I'm sure dog-tooth is quite,J?aWy JBngUeh^
anyway. {To her companion.) DidT you
know it was the interlacing of the .round
arches that gave the first idea of the pointed
aroh, dearP
Her Comp. No. But I shouldn't haye
thought there was so very much in the idea.
The Lady with the M. I do wish you took
moreinterest^deea. Look at those two jrounff
men who haye just come in. They don^ look
as if tliey'd care for carving; but they've
been studjtng every oae of Uie Miserere seats
in the choir- stalls. That 's what I like to seel
The Veri^&r. That oonoludes my dooties,
ladiea and gentlamen. Tou can go out by the
South Traiuep door, and that^ll take you
through the Cloisters. {The Party go out,
with th* exemption of the two *Arries, who
linger^ expecianify^ atid eough in embarrass-'
meniA W^ thei^ anything you wished to
know?
Fk-st 'Arry. Well, Ifister, it 's on'y— er—
'ayen't yon got some old earring or other 'ere
of a rattier— well, funny kind— sorter thing
you on'y show to gentlemen, if you know
what I mean P
The Verger {austerely). There's nothing
in this Cathedral for gentlemen o' your sort,
and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
[ J7e turns on his heel.
First ^Arry {to Second), I spoke dyil
enough to 'tm, didn't IP What did 'e want
to go and git the fair 'ump about P
Second ^Arry. Oh, I dunno. But you
don't ketch me comin' over to no more catne-
diils, and wastin' time and money all for
i^ntlunk-that'salll
IThey tramp out, feeling that their eonfi-
dence has been imposed upon.
TO A GRBSE AT '*THS ORIENT."
Axyour dress I marvel mutely—
Green and white, with gold about ;
Grandly gay, you absolutely,
Cut me out.
Like a lamp-shade is that nether
Garment, yet, without a doubt.
Ton look fine, and altogether
Cut me out.
I, dull Englishman, am neatly
Clothed in black and grey, without
Any colours. Tou completely
Cut me out.
She, whose smile is sweetly dimply.
Pretty, even though she pout.
Seems entranced. With her you simply
Cut me out.
She admires you, and she barely
Looks at me, a sombre lout.
Hang you, in that dress yen fairly
Cut me out.
GieHTLS AVD SoOTHDre OCNnTFATIOir FOB
AX OAsaiLUi.— '* stroking an eight"
I \
i
BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY.
**Sat, Billeb, shall wb oatbb Mttshrooms ? "
*<YU8. I 'M A BiGOAB TO ClIMBI"
MEETING A VEEY OLD FRIEND.
{A Postscript to a Wsll-known Work,)
AucB was delighted with all she saw.
Statesmen, generals, celebrities of every kind.
Then there were maryeUous animals— some
ferocious, others satirical, eyery one of them
as true to nature as could be.
" Where am I P" asked AuoB.
**In the gallery of the Fine Arts Sodety,
148. New Bond Street."
And, please, who has done all these won-
derful things P'^
'* The great J. T.." was the reply.
Ard then she fell to admiring mem. She
had some difficulty in getting to the draw-
ings, for everr picture was surrounded by a
little crowd of worshippers. And she was not
in the least surprised, because the devotion
had been justly earned. Before her she found
a specimen of the labours of neariy half a
century. Everything good and beautiful.
**DeiEur mel'^ she murmured, as she ap-
proached No. 160 in the Catalogue. '* Why
here I am myself I I am so glad I am like
that. What should I have been had I not
had so kind an artist to sketch me P "
And the possibility opened out such a vista
of duasters that AucB was almost moved to
tears. But she soon regained her gaiety when
she had glanced at ** Winding *em up"
(No. 161). '^A BieycU built for Two " (No. 148),
and '* 7%« Mask of Momus " (No. 99).
*'But shall I meet the EniffhtsP" she
asked, after a while. ** I shoulcL because I
certainly am living in Wonderland."
Then there was a chorus crying. ** Thb is
the work of the Black and White Knight, the
greatest of all the Knights— good Sir JoHir."
And Alicb agreed in an opinion held by all
the world.
AhOTHBB TB8TI1C0RIAL TO THB G. 0. M.—
In recondtion of his most recent contribution
to sacred literature. Mr. G. is to be presented
with thefreedomof the Dry-Psalter's company.
1^2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVARL
[Apbui 6, 1896.
THINGS ONE^WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
Sh€. " I 'm svbpbiskd to bmm toitk Wm in suck a tmrt Low Oowk this gold etxniko, Babok I I hsabd shs was Dsuoatb."
Ee, "AoH, NO 1 Shb yos. But now, sank Hbavbn, shs is kyitb Ivbiugatx'aoain 1"
"QVOXrSQUE TAHDXMt" OB, OHE AT A TIKE.
Ihioloffue in a Doff^mri,
Drtr^r. To-o-o-h-kl To-o-o-h-kll
Offlcunu Friend. Steady therel Wo-o-o-al \
Jjriver (aside). Confound the fellow I I wish he wouldn't
fidffetso.
^ Offleious Friend {oMe). He driire tsndemP Wish he'd hand the
ribbons to m« /
Driver {aioud^. Leader steps along, doesn't he P
T Qffieioui Friend {ahtidi. i a-a-s. Bit too fast, I fancy. Forgets
that the wheeler has to do the work.
Driver. HnmphI Not so sure of that, in this ease. Rather
weedy. Ton know, and just a bit of a slug, if you ask me. Jthink
they 'd do better reversed— this journey, a^how.
Officioue Friend (teetUy). Nonsense I Tou never Aare done that
wheeler ustioe. Fact is you don't understand the horse's oharaoter,
or how to ffet the best out of him. Now I-^ —
Driver \adaptina old Trtn. ColL, Cam,, Itecitation).
" Fact is, he understood computing
The odids at anv bye-election ;
Was a dead hand at eloouting.
Satire, and candidate-seleotion ;
But, like his parallel, Lord Random,
He couldn't, somehow, drive a tandem."
iend. What are you muttering about P You know
I 'm not up in poetrv. As to poor Lord RAin>ox, he was a smart
whip, anyhow, and though I dmi't agree with '*Z" in his impertinent
ne couldn't, somenow, drive a tandem."
Offleious Fnend. What are you muttering about P
[ 'm not up in poetrv. As to poor Lord RAin>ox, he i
irhip, anyhow, and though I don't agree with '*Z" inhis
omparisons. still
Driver. StUlP , WelL I wish you'd nt still, old fellow, and not
fidget witii the reins, i ou 're frettinff that leader awfully.
iplet
ISighi.
_, d never have upset
the coach as he did. But handlers A the ribbons are always so
obstinate. Look outi Mind that finger-postl Why, the leader
nearljr ran into it.
Driver. Not at alL dear boy. But we'll run into eometking, and
be both spilt if you don't leave off twitehing at the reins.
Officious Friend {reading llnger-posC^. Leaminrtonl Hythel
Ahal Now I think— as I know these roads well— -if you'd just let
me
Driver (decisively). Look here, old mani Tou remember our
Compact P
Officious Friend (inwatiently). Oh, of course, of course. But— I
don't ^uite understand it as you seem to do.
Driver. Humph I (Again adapting.)
** YourlRule of the Road seems a paradox, quite ;
For, in tooling our dog-cart along,
liyou 're left with the reins vou are sure to be right,
For, in tooling our dog-cart along,
tyou 're left with the reins vou are sure
U the reins are my right, it 's all wrong."
Officious Friend. Oh, more poetrvl What a chap you are for
Metaphysics and the Muses I Now the foundations of my belief are
facts aiui figures.
Driver (meditatively). It's a fact that the Tory total figures
out much larger than tiie Liberal Unionist.
Officious Friend. Oh* botherl What's that got to do with iti
Our Compact
Driver. Is ours— not.Leamington's it seems. [J7t
** There was a man at Leaminj;ton«
Who thought it would be mce
To jump into a Tory seat
By hdp of Tory ^' ayes."
But if tiiose ''ayes" should be '
It may piowt no great gain
Jumping into a Tory seat
To please^ J. Ch-mb-bi-n I "
'put out,"
Officums Ftend Igrahbing reins). Here, I say I Whilst dnming
out your doggerel you're forgetting your driving. Where are you
going P Look at tbat dashed leader I
J Leader faces sharp round and fidgets.
mtI Woa. lad, woal Why on earth
did you tug at die reins like that. I tell you that horse won't stand
muon more of it. Ik»you want a spill as well as a split P
Officious Friend. Why, nol But according to our CQmpaot, the
i^eeler
Driver. According to our Compaot it's my turn at the ribboni
to-day. One at a time, if you please. Do you call this driviitf
tandem P We shall never get on like this I Are you driving this
dog-eart,oramIP ^.yu^cu uy ILe/ts^SngiL
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April 6, 1895.]
PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
165
Mrs, Smiik, '* I thuik it dkbadfitl that tour Divorob Laws iir Axrrioa should br
RO ICUOH MORR LRKIRHT THAN THRT ARR IK EnOLARD."
Mr, FanRmmelaer, *'Wrll, tou srr, mt drar Madam, in Enolind D^vobor is a
Luxury— WHILR with us it u— rr— a^Krorssitt 1 "
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
Marco Polo Ultssrs Hrnxt Korkait,
hftTing returned from a comimlieiisiye tour
in fbragn parts, has set forth his experience
in a handsome Tolnme pnblished by Tishrr
Uhwik. The Far Ea$t is its alluring and
well-soktained title. Batwhydra^ inULTSSSS
and Marco Polo P Theirjonrneyiogswereon
the soale of a jaunt to Switzerland as compared
withMr.NoRMAH*8. He has travelled through
British, French, Spanish and Portuguese
Colonies \ has visited Siberia^China, Japan,
Cofea, Siam and Malava. Whether in his
htoAj of poUticsl problems, his pictures of
people, or his sketches of scenery, he is equally
keen and habUe. Anytiiing that relates to
China is peculiarly interesting iust now, and
Mr. Norm AH throws a flood of light on the
state of the unwiddljr empire. The descrip-
tion of the examination halls is instructiye.
The Qovemment of China, Mr. Normait testi-
fies, is a yast system of competitive examina-
tion tempered uy bribery. Those who come
out successfully m examinatiims— the subject-
BUttter of which is knowledge <rf the works of
OoRTUCius, the history of China, and the art
of writing as practised by the old masters—
haye berths f oimdthemunaertheCbyemment.
Tliey are sent all oyer the countiy to be magis-
trates, generals, ship captains, engineers,
without haying the slightest acquaintance
with details or systems oyer which they are
put in a position of command. This fully
aiMxrants icr what has taken place in recent
oampaigns by land and sea in the Far East
We cairt all undertake Mr. Kormait's monu-
mental journey. But, adapting Shrrxdah's
sdyice to his son on a certain occasion, my
Baronite counsels the public to read The Far
JEast and say they 'ye been there.
The imm^tal Flaocub (writes one of the
Baron's assirtants) has, it appears, been
sojourning in Cambridge, haying gone into
residence there some time before he stayed at
Hawarden, either for translation or peryer-
8ion. I make this statement after reading a
delightful little book of light yerse entitled
Horace at Cambridge, by Owrk Sramait
(London^ A. D. Iritrs & Co.). To eyery
Uniyersity man, and partioularty. of course,
to Cambridge men, tins book will be a rare
treat. But in yirtue of its humour, its ex-
treme and felicitous dexterity of workman-
ship both in rhyme and metre, and the apt-
ness of its allusions, it will appeal to a far
wider public I pledge Mr. Sramak in a
bumper of Colle^ Audit! and beg him to
giye Us more of h*s work.
Thr Baror db Book- Worms.
Thr Oltmpiars thrratrk.— a real ice
rink, ** said to be the largest in the world," is
in course of construction at OlTmpia. Does
** Niagua" realise, or, as in this conjunction
it might be written, '* real-ice," the tact that
its own nice inyention may, by its riyal, be
beaten all to shiyers P
From "LoyR's Labour." — What our
Sir Frbdkric, P.R.A. (quoting the Diyine
Williams), will soon be saying of the
accepted artist, *'Bidhimifo htmgJ''
A COCK AND BULL STORY.
Air— ' ' Caeabianea,*'
["European nsTiet were like fi^hting-eooks,
armed to the teetk ; a lingle ipark might cause an
explosion."
I>r. MaeOrtgwr on the Neicy Betimatee,']
Thr fighting-cook stood on the deck.
His eye was rolling red.
His feathers whiffled round his neck.
His crest was on his head.
He wore his spur aboye his heel.
His daws were underneath.
He also had a mass of steel
Plate-armour on his teeth.
Meanwhile the House was haggling on
In one of those debates
When Little England jumps upon
TheNayyEsSnates.
TherelCLROPHAS, of many wiles.
Brought up his little lot.
And Mr. Btles, with wreathM smil^
Was deadly on the spot.
And Labrt said the bootless pay
Of nayies should be stamped on ;
** There is no boot I " as strikers say
In Larry's own Northampton.
*' Then came a burst of thunder-sound "
That shook the yery street,
Andbt MacGrroor's form was found
To be upon its feet.
He called the rates a great expense,
He was a peaceful Soot,
And ssid the talk about ** defense "
Was simply Tommy-rot.
Ftf better for his country's good.
So long allowed to bleed.
It only half the money could
Be spent across the Tweed.
Then with a petrif yinjg shout,
like some clamantu vox^
He fetched a trumpet-note about
The teeth of fighting-cooks.
A simile of crew and crew
All ripe for any ruction ;
(Refer to yerses one and two.
Or else the introduction).
A qpark miffht fall from out the sea.
Completely unf oreboded.
And then the birds— where would they be?
Why, they would be exploded.
He looked around for some applause
From front or side or rear ;
They neyer said a word, because
They hadn't strength to cheer.
With many an accidental jest
The hearts of men were full,
Bdt 1 the thing they liked the best
Was bold MacGrroor'8 boll !
"SUE LE TAPIS" DE BRUXELLES.
HowRyRR deyer as a dramatic author he,
M. Mauricr Martrrurck of Brussels, may
be, it is rather handicap^g him to be dubbea
by enthusiastic but injudicious admirers
'*The Belgian Shaksprarr." though, of
course, '* Belgian" does quafify the Shak-
sprarr, just as Brussels prefixed to sprout
decides the character of that &yourite and
useful yeg[etable. M. Martrrurck may be
the '* coming on," or sprouting, dramatist of
the future. Up to the present time there
has not been much in any way to connect
Belgian mmj ICn gliA drama, so Martrrlirck
may be the missing link destined to electri-
cally illuminate *'all the world." which ''is,"
as the Diyine Whijams remarks, *'a stage."
166
PUNCH, OB THB LONDON OHARiyABL
[April 6, 1896..
Apbil 6, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
167'
PBOPOSED EULES FOR THE
LADIES* UNIVERSAL ATH-
LETIC AS80CUTI0N.
(Cb w y fM hy One thoroughly Ckrn^
wnmi vfUh the NeeemiHu ^ (h$
1« Thb oostmne oi fmxj mom-
berof the Chibahallbeof &emost
eUnnt deBoription. The desigs
■hftU not be goremed bv the re-
qnirementB of the ^rame for whidh
the Qnifonn is required, but rather
by the oharaoteristies of the
2. Red and bine shall be worn
aooordiiig to the oomplezioB of the
plaw. and the ohoioe of teams
shall depend not upon prowess or
looality, but the ooionr of the hair
and eyes and the formation of the
3. Patent leather shoes shall in-
▼ariablT form a part of the qrande
toHue oi the CluD, with hign beds
at diseretion.
4. Football shall be played with
a light india-nibber globe, and
** pushing" shall be strietly for-
biddep. However, it shall be
pennisnble fw one player to hold
an opponent tightly by the hands
if the former thinks the latter is
aboat te give it " qnite a hard
kick" with her toe.
5. No angry language will be
allowed, bat one membor may tell
another, in the height <rf an exoit-
insr oonteet, that die is *'a spite-
fd, disagreeable old thing.'' On
Tevy special oooasions the word
^'Theiel" may be added witii
6. Crioket shall neyer be allowed
to last for more than half an hour,
and OQM of tea shall be serred to
the strikers between the orers.
7. Only ladies shall be permitted
to watob the game nf the members.
SEQUELS!
The OeMTol. " Tou'Yit hab rr, I supposb?"
The Judge, *' I should think so. I 'm as whax as a Rat "
The Oeneral, "That 's vothiko. I'm as wbak as Two Rats 1"
The Judge. " But Two Rats ari stbonoir than Onm Rat 1 "
The General, *' If tou aboub, I shall Cry 1 "
asamle. Howeyer, at times when
eyeryoneis looking her best, indi-
Tidnals of the inferior sex shall be
admitted to the football ground or
eridket field, on the condition that
they ** promise not to langL"
8. Players at f ootbalL cricket,
and other games sanctu>ned by
the Association, shall haye fall
liberty to make their own rales
and keep their own appointments.
They will be asaally expected to
wait antU a match is finished,
anlees called away to take a driye
in the Park, or do a little shopping.
9 and Lastly. As women are as
excellent as men at field spcvts,
the members of the Clab shall be
entitled to the franchise.
THE LATEST FROM SOL.
QcKun^-The Sun. Itrsi Solariet
diecavered readena local jouT'
nal to Second SoUMrisL
First Solariet, I say, haye yoa
seen what this eentiurrs JEarth
Second Solariet. No ; it 's mach
too hot for reading newspspers.
First S. Why, tiie idiotio people
on that ridioiuoas little j^lanet
haye jnst discoyered the exutenoe
of Heliam I
Second S, Dear me I How long
haye they taken aboat that P
First S. Aboat six ti^oasand
years (according to mandane
measare). or thereaboats.
Second S. They seem to haye
plenty of leisure on their hands I
And now that they have foand oat
Heliam, of what ase will it be to
themP
First S. Oh, that they will pro-
bably discoyer in another nx.
thonsand years I Let 's Uqaor I
\_Exeunt. Scene closes in
upon an eclipee.
BALLAD OF THE UNSUEPaiSED JUDGE.
[*' Mr. Justice Hawkins obferred, ' I am rarprised at nothing.' **^Fitte
T. Jeeeph, «• Ttmee " Beport, March 27.]
All hail to Sir Hxkbt, whom nothing sarprises ;1
Te Jadges and saitors, regard him with awe.
As he sits ap aloft on the Beooh and applies his*
Swift mind to the shifts and the tricks of the Law."
Many years has he Hyed , and has always seen dear things
That Nox seemed to hide from oar ayerage eyes :
Bat still, thoagh encompassed with all sorts of qaeer things.
He neyer, no neyer giyes way to sarprise.
When a rogae, for example, a company-monger.
Grows fat on the gain of the shares ne has sold.
While the pablio gets lean, winning nothing bat hanger
And a few scrape of scrip for its masses ol gold \
When the fat man goes farther and takes to rf ligion,
A rascal in hymn-books and bibles disgoiMdy
" It 's a case." says Sir Hbnst, ** of rook versus pigeon.
And the pigeon gets leftr— well, I 'm hardly sarjaised."
There 's a Heath at Newmarket, and horses that ran there.
There are owners and jockeys, and sharpers and flats ;
There aro some who do nicely, and some who are done there,
There are load men with pcmcils and satcheb and hats.
Bat the Stewards see nothing of betting or money,
As'they stand in the blinkers for Stewards deyised ;
Their blindness may strike Hinbt Hawkinb as fanny,
Bat he only smiles softly, he isn't sarprised.
So, here's to Sir Hxnst, the terror of tricksters.
Of Law he 's a master, and likewise a limb :
His mind neyer once, when its parpose is fixed, ors ;
For*eatene6s there's none holds a candle to him.
Let them try to deceiye him, why, bless joa, he's been there.
And can track his way straight throagn a taogle of lies ;
And, thoagh some might grow grey at the things he has seen there.
He neyer, no neyer, giyes way to sarprise.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTKACTED FKOM THE DIABT OF TOBY, M.P.
Souse of Lords, Monday, March 25. — Impossible to aymd noticing
depression of the Maxkibs when he entered House to-night. At
first thoaght feelinn of a father had oyeroome him. Gbanbobitb.
immediately after eloqaent and energetic attack in other Hoase oi
Welsh Disestablishment Bill, was straok down by indLqposition,
reported to be measles. That all yery welL Do not wish to saggest
anything wrong ; bat coincidence at least remarkable. Measles, the
Member for Sask tells me, can be conyeyed in yarioas apparently
innoxions gaises. In a controyersy so acnd that Oxobob Osbobitx
MoxGAir has been pablidy accased of profiigacy, men will, it is too
obyioas, p:o any lengths. At present there is nothing that can be
caUed eyidence to connect Cbanbobhx*8 sadden indisposition with
earrent controyersy. Bat if this msrsterioas attack is followed by
symiitoms of croap, rickets, teething, or any other complaint asaally
associated with happy days in the nnrsery, the pablic will know what
to think.
Happily it tamed oat that the depression of the Mabkiss had
nothing to do with the condition of the neir of Hatfield. His sympa-
thetic neart been toached by diffioolties that enyiron a worthy class
of men whom Lobd Chaitgbllob, consdoas that Cobb's eye is apon
him, has recently been making magistrates. ** Excellent persons,"
says the Mabkibs; ** self-made men. Bat anfortanately this process
of sdf-manaf actare does not indlade knoidedge of the statates at
large." There is the Parish Coandls Act, for example ; one of those
pieces of legislation with which a reckless Badioal minority has
embarrassed an andent State. This law has to be admimstered by
people anleamed in Acts of Parliament. They cannot take a step
168
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVART
[Apbil 6, 1896.
Sir John Leng itrongly objeoU to lion-taming Exhibitions.
withoat hATinffiixteeii volumes of the itfttates «t lane tucked uader
their amiB. What the benoToleiit and thouf htfm Maruss rag-
gettod was, that in all fatore legislation there shall he reprinted
ieotions of Aots of Parliament referred to in text of BilL
Hoose listened with admiration to statesman who, his mind
eng[ro6sed hy imperial cares, could find time to think oat schemes for
easing the pathway of working-men magistrates, and assisting
o|Mration of Parish GounoilB Act Only, somehow, there
minds of hearers a strong impression
that working-men majtistrates are a
mistake, and the Pari^ Councils Act
a puUio injury, of which the Qoyeni-
ment ought to oe more than ordinarily
ashame£
Bu$ine$$ done, — More speech-
making round Welsh Disestablishment
Bill in Commons. Direfully dulL
JSTotiM of Comtnons, Tuesday, —
"Speakers may oome, and Speakers
may go,'' said the Member for Sabx,
" but as long as the House of Commons
produces men like Yicabt Gibbs the
institution is safe, and the State rockd
safely on its ererlasting foundations.
It was, j€fa will remember, Yicart
who direJDtly, though undeei^edl^,
led to the row on that famous night in
June when Home-Rule Committee was
closured. Yicaat shares with Heayen
the peculiarity that order is his first
law. On that particular night some-
body had said something, and Yicart
wanted to have his words taken down.
Amid growing uproar his observations
were inaudible to the Chair, and his
presence undistinguishable. Some men
would thereupon haye resumed their
seat YiGABT, his soul athirst to have
something * taken down,' moved on
to the Front Opposition Bench, and
shouted his desire in Msllos's left
ear. Then Looajn suddenly loomed
large on the scene. Hates Fishib
reached forth a red right hand and ehook him by the collar. Next an
anonymous Irish Member fell over the boich on to Saxtkdebsok^s knee,
and was there incontinently but hesrtily pummelled. After that
chaos ; all arising out of Yicart Gibb8*8 insatiable, uncontroUable
desire to have something * taken down ' in the sacred name of order."
These musings on the mighlnr past were occasioned by Yicart once
more unexpectedly, but sternly and effectivdyj inteiposing as the
custodian of order. Wxnt broken out in eindemic of questions ; puts
down eleven on the paper ; runs them up to the full score by supple-
mentary questions, invariablv prefaced by the formula ** Is the right
hen. gentleman A. Weir that P '» A poor joke, its only flash
of humour being in the subtly varied tone with which the Spsazer
eleven times pronounced the words, *' Mr. Weir." Also grotesquely
funny to hear the reverberation of the deep chest notes, in which
Weir, with tragic sweep of pince-nez on to Ids nose, said in succes-
sion, *' Ques-ti-on one,'^** Ques-ti-on two," and so on.
Touch of tragedy came in when Yicart, managing to throw into
tone and form of question conviction that Squire of Malwood was
seeretiy at bottom of the whole business, asked him whetiier this was
not abuse of forms of the House, calculated to lead to curtailment of
valuable privilege. No use Squire assuming air of innocence.
Honse knew all about it. Kefreshed and revived by Yicart's timely
vindication of law and order, proceeded to business.
Buiineee done, — ^Fourth nighfs Debate on Welsh Church Dises-
tablishment BilL The still prevalent dulness varied bv speech from
Plukkst ; witched the House by music of stately though simple
eloquence.
rAtir«<2ay.— Desperate dulness of week further relieved by dis-
covery of new game. Toicmt Bowles, Inv, House just got into
Committee of Supply ; Yote on Account under discussion ; thu covers
multitudinous items ; ever v spending department of State concerned.
When Committee of Supply deals with Army Estimates, Cawicell-
BAmrsRMAiT and the WiireoiCE Woodall in their places. The rest
of Mioisters may go away, knowing that everything is welL The
same when Navy Estimates are on, or when jparticmar votes in the
Civil Service Estimates are to the fore. Ministers of particular
departments affected in their place J the rest at liberty.
TcHnight, as no one knew who might be called on next, all agreed
to stop Skway— all but the faithful Hibbert. Cap'en TonfT. as
usual, aloft in the Crow's Nest, perceived this weak point. Hauling
OIL the bowline, and making aJl taut, he bore down swiftly on the
Treasury Bench, and hailed it for the President of the Board of
Trade. Wanted to talk to Brtce, he said, about lighthouses. No
one knew better than Tomxt that Brtce wasn't aboard. Aoeoidiiif
to regulations, he ought to have been. Seardi made for Urn.
Presently brought in with hands in pot^ets, trying to whisUe, snd
otherwise present appearance of indifference. But a poor show.
Encouraged by this suoeess. Private Haeburt, observing Bobtbt-
soN was among absentees, addressed question to Ctm Lord of
„ Admiralty about Peterhead Harbour. Htbbert's agony of mind st
was left on ' this I'uncture would have softened harder hearts. An dderiy hen,
that has counted its brood seven tiaui,
on each occasion finding one or two
missing, not more perturbed. Looked
up and down TrcMuniry Bendu. Bob-
ERTSOV, not within aght ; might be
below the Gangway. Yainhppe. For
Members opposite interest in Peter-
head Harbour growing keener snd
more urgent. FRAEcra Powell,
usually mild-mannered man, went id
far as to move to report progen.
Melix>r declined to put crnestion.
''Very well," saM tike Blamelesi
Barxlet, with air of martyr. ''We
must go on talking about retsihesd
Harbour till the Mmister comes in.^
So he didj and whe^ he ran dry
ToicUKSOE (having meanwhile aicer-
tained where Peterhead Harbour u)
took up the wondrous tale. TsUdng
when Hibbert reappeared, his breast
now swelling with maternal pride snd
satisfactimi. He had founa the lost
chick, and ducked low notes of supresie
content as he brought him back to the
roost Pretty to see how, (Hvil Loid
in his place, all interest in Peterhesd
Harboiur subsided. Busy B's tuning
their attention to alleged f donioiii
underrating of Government property.
Buiinese done, — Yote cm Aocoont
through Committee. Sir Johk Lebto
calls Asqitith's attention to danrerooi
occupation of lion-tamers. '* AU verj
wdV' he says, ** for dour hty knight
like me. But these poor fellows with families shouldn't be aUowed
to run risks."
Friday JV^A^.— *' What 's the business at to-nifl^fs sitting P''
asked mhuire of Malwood, looking over Orders of the Bay.
'* Home ftule all round P Yery welL Shall give practical proof of
adherence to principle by stopping at home."
JoHir MoRLET aid same, most other Ministers following iidt
CAWKrL-BAEViRifAE saerifiocd himself on altar of country. But
insisted that he might at least dine out in interval iN^ween morBinji
and evening sitting that made last day of Parliamentary week. Hii
snowy shirt front gave air of almost reckless joviality to desolste
Treasury Bench. Prutce Arthur, not to be outdone in ohivslry,
also looked in sfter dinner, brirhtening up Front Bench opposite
Minister for War. But two swallows don't make a summer, nor two
gentlemen in evening dress a festive party. Treveltait only msn
in earnest, and he terribly ax
Bueinese cions.— Home Rule all round decreed by migority of 26
in House of 230.
THE NEW CHIVALRY.
[" In a case heard before Judge Frbkch at Shoreditcb, the Judge re^
marked that the plea of infuicy wai not a yerv meritorioui one. *Mo,
replied the defendant, * but it's jolly oonTsnient,' **— 1%* GM$,]
When, toddling along with a swelL I pretend
Not to notice a shabby (thouffh excellent) friend,—
Well, it is not lofty, to that I assent,
But then, " it 's so jolly oou-ve-ni-ent I "
When a tenant has built up a business with care.
And saved to his landlord all cost of repair,
It may not be kind just to double his rent.
Yet somdiow ** it 's joUy con- ve-ni-ent I "
If you 've suffered, in polling, a " moral defeat,"
Then to grab each Committee and every paid seat
Some might say was the act of a '* cad,^' not a '*g«nt " ;
But, you see, '^ it 's so joUy con-ve-ni-ent I "
Then your house is for sale, and, if rifted with brains,,,
Tou, of course, do not mention the damp, rats, and drains
Which is not what the andents by ** honesty'' meant,
But, still, it it " joUy jfflnY^tSfayntl^ ^^^..^
Apbil 18, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
iCTr
I LL SING THEE SONGS OF ARABY!"
nr PSAI8E OF THE T&IAHGLR
Yx ooimtl6§8 Stan, both gnat and amall.
The poetio aky who spanffle,
Not one of you, that I recall,
Has hymned the sweet triangle !
With lyre and lute too loDg, too mnoh,
Te Ve thrid lore's mazy tangle.
Yet nnresponsiye to your touch
Haye 1^ the sweet triangle.
And so the Muse oom-
missionsme
A lay to newly
fangle—
I play the instrument,
you see — [angle.
In praise of my tri-
Ko tambourine, no min-
strel bones
Giye forth what
Hilda Waitgxl
Would call such
'•frightfully thril-
ling" tones
As those of my tri-
angle.
Jn Pnice of IVy Angle.
No self-respeetinff band may try
To play— 'twould simply mangle-
Good music, unassisted oy
The silyer-toDgued triangle.
In vain dres Btbxthok with a lute
Bonnd Phyllis always dangle;
8he 'd haye him, if he urffed his suit
With passionate triangle.
Fall braye may bray th»loud trombone,
Full sweet the ormbals jangle,
The bacpipes till tbey bu^ may drone.
So I haye my triangle.
yoL. Ofiii,
The stately cold piano may
All d^th of feeling strangle ;
To rouse deep feeling I essay.
Nor fail, on my triangle I
'er riyal claims of yiolin
And 'cello some may wrangle —
For pure expression nothing 's in
The hunt with my triangle.
The diamond bracelet must exceed
In worth the silver bangle-
No instrument, string, wind, or reed,
Compares with my triangle !
TO THE GRIFFIN.
(By Caherlerius Iiuttie(inu8,)
Gbeffiv, who benignly beamest
(So to speak) upon t&e Strand,
To the rustic eye thou seemest
Quite superlatively grand.
Griffin, grim and grim^ Griffin,
Few, Job tells me, will a^rree
With my artless numbers, if in
Undiluted praise of thee.
Critics, so he says, by dozens
Swear thou oouldst not well be worse.
Yet from one poor country cousin's
Pen accept a tribute verse.
Some of London's statues now are
F^ted richly once a year ;
Some— it seems a shame, I vow^are
Fated to oblivion there.
Oroe a year a primrose bower
Draws the f^s around for miles,
DizzT blossoms into flower.
Almost into " wreathed smiles»"
Onpe a year by all the town o'er-
-wheuned in bays is Gosdok s^on,
Countless wreaths recording " Brc wk (or
JoNZs) thus keeps thy memory green."
Onoe a year King CHAHLBs'sJstatue
Paragraphs iocose invites,
Wreathed with flowers by infatu-
-ated modem Jacobites.
« Thus their substance people waste*oix'
This queer decorative nt—
Wreaths are sometimesreven pbocd on
Mere nonentities like Pitt.
But— ^I cannot think
what Joe meant—
No one— so he said
tome —
In his most expansive
moment
£*er has twined a
wreath for thee !
So I cast— in no de-
rision — >c-
From my 'bus-top
garden-seat _
These few violets, % _^^ ^ ziJ^
with precision.
At what I must call thy feet.
'Tis not that thy mien is stately,
'Tis not that thy grace is rare,
'Tis not that I care so i
For thy quaint he
But contemptuous men neglect thee.
Load thee with invective strange,
So with violets I have decked thee.
And with verses, as a change.
The New Dmoovebt.— "Aryon" is de-
scribed as ** a gaseous constituent." Jn
constitneneies can hp fopnd plenty of / >
Argons." ^lyfu^cu uy -*._ji '*^ 'k^ _^ 1. V'
170
PUNCH. OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI.
TAfbil is, 1895.
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF; OR, THE MODERN ORACLE OF AMMON.
"The people (the libyaiu) deeming themwlrM not Egyptians, and being diaoontented irithKlie iaatitutions, aent to the Oracle of Ammon, aaying
iln' ^ relation to the Egyptians. The gDd,.howeTer, said, < tiut all the eountry which the Nile irrigated was Egypt' "—J£tmlotu$, IL, IS.
B «Jo 402*
** I itatod that, in oaoMqiiMioe of theie olaima of oun and tke olaimi of Egypt in the Nile Valley, the Britiah sphere of iofluenee oorered the
whole of tha Nile waterway.**— tfir £. Qrf}f m Htnm of Oommont^ a.d. 1895.
JM» Bulk " Yov no, NiLua, thi Fathib of Hutort aitd I abi of thb bamm way of tkinkino. So tov 'rb all biqht,
_^^ MT BOT, WHILB I 'm HBBB r ^lym^cu uy ^^ ^^ v^^
Apbil 13, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVARL
171
c*
HISTORY KEPEATS ITSELF;
Or The Modem OraeU of Afnmm,
NUms {referrmf to Parisian Pree$),
Bat— won't it make our French friends
fnriooaP
Mr, BuU. Gammon I
NUius, Are yofo, then, the new Orade of
3fr, BuU, Well, ALiXAin>XR elaimed the
red his sire.
SowhynotIP
NihM. I own I rather tire
Of all these squabbles. Peaoe is idiat
I want.
Oh why did yoor infrasiTe Spskb and
Oiuirr*
Bistorb my lortyrMQtiiries of quiet P
Sinoe then it's been all rompos,'^ and
redriot. [lonimP
Mr. BuU, How aboat RAinwKS, da oooka-
HUui. OhI better aU the Phaioahs in fall
qooram
Than Gondominiams. The Cantrul oalled
Mr. BuU. Oh, don't yoa botherl I^o^has
gotitsgraeL
NHue. But these Exploring Expeditions P
Mr. BuU. Boge,
Foong Obet shoold reassnre yoa, my old
Hii woras don't speak soattle or shilly-
ahallv
** My * sphere of mfluenee' oorers the Nile
Valley." [nod
Isn't that plain enoogh-P God Ammon's
Was hardlr more deoidve. It is odd
How YCfT Hke the Oracle's straight tip
Was to &t EnwASD'8. A stiff upper lip
Sayes lots of talk. "£xpkNrers"willproYe
ddttidi
But the whole Nile's Egyptian (and thus
British).
Just as HsBOSOTiTB tdls us Ammon said.
8ir Edwasd, my dear Nile, has an dd head
Upon young shoulders; courteous as a
Gbajtyillb.
He comes down like a hammer on an anyil —
Or Ammon on the Libyans— when 'tis need-
ful
Of rumefored expeditions he is heedful
But not afraid. Bff eotlYe occupation P
Why that 's a tiddish point— zor many a
But why define it P Edwasd has a shorter
way;
He daims for me the whde of your long
waterway.
And plainly says iatrusion would be Tiewed
As — wdl, '^ unfriendly." Should the
Fbaitx intrude
NHue. Ahl by the way, friend Jomr, whose
headisTonder
P rotru ding uirou^ the reeds P
Mr.BuU{hudly).Rjna^l Lethimnonder
What he, perdiance, has overheazo. No
mystery t [tory.
I simply hold with the great Sire of His-
The Titnee and dd Hxrodotub quite agree.
And both speak for the Grade— J. B.,
Or Juuiter Ammon. The DShaU may
(At the Frendi Press, at best, J am no
sniffer).
But don't you be alarmed by spleenful
sdutter.
Or what mere boundng boulevaidiers utter.
From all intruders you'll be safe, if you
But trust to the Old Grade— and the New I
Far cry, dd boy, from Phaboah to the
GUSLFH.
Funny how History doee repeat itsdf I
* Bee Cartoon " Britaimia BiBOOTering the
Bouroe of the Nile," p. 233, YoL XLIY., June 6,
A STUDY IN "BIMETALLISM.''
QuoUMmfimnihe Bifhi Hen. Artk^ B'V-^B dpeeehentkie eubfeei kitiMmk.^**kQwnaja»wALL
IN P&ZOaS WAS SAID TO BS GOOD FOE THS COVSVlfXB.''
Does it look like it in this instance? [%* So far tiie Court is with Mr. A. B-LF-m.]
To Oorizma, taigxy.
Ths fault was mine. With piercing pang
My trespass I deplore ;
But, when 'tis I you ought to bang.
Why do you bang the door f
Q. E. D.— There is said to be a good deal
of illness and absence from lessons of the
schodboy population of London at present.
Can there be any connection between this
phenomenon and a paragraph whidi is going
the round of the IW^mL. headed, ** An ob-
jeotiou to Eudid '' r What is sport to us
may be deatii to them I
The iMnjg and 8hMt of It.
Amb hnga eH! All know what com that|
meant;
But cranks cormpt so ddrfmingly hafe
About iAMT AxT of late, 'tis efident
The lenderiagnowmustbe, '' Art is kog-
windedl"
For Fito&reots,— all true men must hope,
Brief life lor such base Art-and a^ort
rope!
Motto— flucmxLT xoddikd fbox Gsat's
" SiMT "— xoB Sioddabt'8 BLvmr.— *' 0tiU
in those * ashes' liye their wonted fire."
m
PXJNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARIVAEL
[April IS, 1806.
the. f ;'
SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE EDQWARE ROAD.
F6r over h tlf a mile the pavement on the Eaet vide of the road %$
thronged with promenaders^ and the curbstone Uned with etalls
and barrows, and hawkers of various wares. Marketing house-
V ives with covered baskets oscillate undecidedly from stalls to
shops, and put off purchasing to the last possible moment.
MaidS'of-alC^ork perambulate arm, in arm, exchanging airy
badinage with youths of their acquaintance, though the latter
seem to prefer the society of their own sex, A man with a
switchback skittle-board plavs gloomy games by himself to an
unspecukUire group of small ooys. The tradesmen stand outside
ihetr shops and coniuet their business vfith a happy blend of
the methods of a travelling
thotcman and a clown.
Burlesque Buirher. Now then
a o* 1/ifU there I Buy, buy, buy !
Jest give yer minda to Ependin'
yer money I {In a tone of artless
wonder. ) Wh&re doe$ the Butcher
git this iuverly meat? What
OftE I do fur you now, Marm
{Triurnphanfly, after selling
scrag- end of a neck of mutton.)
Mme we *t e buay I
larckal Fishmonger [wiih two
Comtc Assistants). Aharl \To
erorW.) C( me *«re, you iilly
young snorkel s I I * ve the quili-
teef IVe the qunliiay / Keep
takin^ monev !
FtrU Ctmic Assistant, Ahye!
Foppenoe a pi>und nioe plaice!
Kippers two fur three 'apence.
BVre the Perfeahnal Ctirers!
What are yer all goin' to do f
Sort 'em out cheap I
Second C* A. I don't mind.
What care I ? {Bursting intn
song.) "* *0w, she rowled me*ed,
and rumbltd in the *ay!" Od
me word, ahe did, ladies I
[He executes a double shuffle,
and knocks over sei^eral bojrt^s
of bloaters in the gaiety of
his heart.
A Mawker of Penny Memo^
randum Books {to an audience of
tntall bfjys). Those among vou 'oo
are not mechanics, decidealy yoit
'bt© meohanioal hideers !
\_He enlarges upon the con ten i-
ence of having a note-baok in
which to f'ot down any inspirit'
tions of this kind; but his
hearers do ntti appear to
agree tcith him,
A Lugubrious Vendor. One
penny for «ii oomio pypers.
MeTery one different I
A Rude Boy. You ain't bin a
rtadin* o* any on *em, 'ave yer,
guv' nor ?
A Crockery Merchant {as hf
unpacks a variety of pases uj
appalling hid^ousftess), I don't
6are— it 'b self-saerifiee to ^v<'
awa^ I UnderstatLd, you ain't
buym' common things, you're
buyin' Bnthin^ good! It ^appena
to be ^my butnday to-nigbt. so
I* pi goiV io let you people av©
the b^f li t of th e aoubt. Come on
'ere. 1 don't ask vou t-o b'lieye
me^tmy to j edge iurj yerselves.
I 'm not 'ere to t*ll you no fairy tales ; and the reason why I 'm^in a
position to orf er Up these vawsas^^l richly gilt, and decorated in
-fbl^e dolonrs, the most expensive ever made — Uie reason Vm able to
aell tbem fo ohe^p as I/m doin' is this— (A* lowers his voice mys^
ter*t>M*iv)^arf the stuff I 'ave 'ere we git in very funny ways !
[2 "Aw ingeniously suggestive hint enhancis the natural charm of
his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up
brishly.as calculated to briahten the humblest home,
\A Sofictimomous Young Man {with a tongue too large for his
.mfntth^ who has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him). I
am only 'ere to-night, my friends, m a paid Mrrani— for the porpoae
of deeiding: a wa^er. Some o' yon may have noticed an advertiMiiait
lately in the Daily Te^sgrawf asking for men to atand on Sonthwuk
Bridge and orfer arf-snTeringa for a peony apieqe. Yon are equilly
well aware that it is iHepral to orfer the Qneen^s ooinage for monej:
and that ia not my infection this evening. But I 'aye *ere seyeralpieoci
of ffold, ff oaranteed to be of ilie exaot weight of arf a sayering, lod
'all-marked, which, in! order to decide the wager I 'are mken of, I
shall now perceed to (^arge yoa the sum of one penny for, and no
more. I am not allowed to sell more than one to eaohpenofr —
\^Here a constable comes tip, and the decision of the wager it
postponed untU a morafavourahle opportunity.
First " General " (looking into a draper's window)* Ijodk at than
coloured felt 'ata—all shades, and on'y sixpence three-faidsos I
Second ''G:^ They are
" I'ou ain't bin a readin^ </ jidv on 'em, 'sv« yer, guv' nor ?
ahle; but I 'ye 'card as felt 'atsii
gone out o' fashion now.
First " G." Don't yon bsliefe
it, Saaah. Why, my msiried
sister bought one on'y last week !|
Coster [to an old lady who hat
repudiate a hufuih of onions after
a prolonged scrutiny). .FrpnWP
So would voti be if your*onion 'ad
bin layin*^ ont in theifieldB sll
night as long as these 'aye I
First Itinerant Physician (at
he screws up fragments of eatiiif
in pieces of newspaper). That u
Frog in yoor Froat what I'la
doin* np now. I arsk yon to try
it. It's given to me to gife
away, and I 'm goin' to give it
away— you understand P—thst's
alL And now I 'm jgoin' to tork
to yon about suthink else. Yoa
see this small bottle what I 'old
up. X tell you there's 'nndredi
layin' in bed at this pnaoit
moment as 'ud give a shilfin' fur
one of these— «nd I offer it to yoa
at one i{enny! It coireets til
nerve-pains connected with the
'ed, cures earache, toothaehs,
neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-oom-
plaint^ fits, an' sjhatica. Eifih
bottle IS charged with helectridtj,
forming a complete galvaaie-bat-
tery. Mall you 'ave to do is to
place the battle to one o' yoor
nawstrils, first dosing the other
with your finger. Tou will find
it cancels you to sniff. The
moment you tyke that sn^
you'll find the worter conun'
into your heyee— and that's the
helectricity. You'Usay, ''/il-
ways 'eara helectrioity was a
/Mflrf." ( With withering scorn.)
Very likely! You 'ave! An'
wh^ f Be-cawse o* the hifmrsnt
notions prevailin' about icisatifie
affairs I Hevery one o' theee
bottles contains a battery, and to
heaoh purchaser I myke 'im s
raeeent— a orsMii^, mind yer-of
Frog in 'is Froat I
Susan Jane (to Lizvaivir, &•-
fore a staU where '' Noveletist.
three « penny" are to beproeurtd
by the literary). Shall we 'avs a
penn'orth, an' you go 'alves akng
o'meP
Luserann. Not me. I ain't got
no time to go improvin' o' mg
mind, whatever yo« 'ave I
A Vendor of '''Ore'ound Tablets'* (he is a voluble yom^
with considerable lung-pot€er^ and a tmdency to regara his cough'
lozenges as not only physical bat moral sjf>eci/ics). I ffl on'y a young
feller, as you see, and yet 'ere I am^ with nay four bumin' l^lfi
and a Ua»oo-soot as belonged to my Unole Bill, doin' *^**^'*fr/7^
welL Why, I've took over two pound in ooppers a'readyl Mindf'
you, I don't deceive you ; you may all on you do as well as me : oa>
you '11 'ave to git two ^ood ref renoea fust and belong to a temp'ranes
society, like I do. This is the badge as I've got on me at this miniut
I ain't always bin like I am now. I started business four year ago.
and was dom' wunnerful well, too, till I got among 'orse-eopers sn
.-^lUIUZ-eu uv
Ty
Apfiiii 13, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
dealers and went on the booze, and lost the lot. Then I turned up
the drink and got a berth sellm' these 'ere WangooTabletfr— andnow
I Ve ffot a neat little missiiB, and a nioe 'ome« goin^ on wonnerfnl oom-
f ortable. Never a week passes but what I buy myself something.
Last week it was a pair o'^noo seeks. Soon as the son peeps out and
the doo dries np, I'm orf to Yarmouth. And what ^b me reason P
I 'ye enjoyed mrself there. Mf Unole Bill, as liyes at Lowestoft,
and keens six mie 'orses and a light waggon, he 's doin' wunnerfal
well, ana he 'd take me into partnership to-morrow, he woold. But no
— ^1 'm 'ap^er as I am. Wnat 's the reason I kin goon torkin' to yon
like this night after night, without injury to my yoioe P Shall I tell
yer P Beoaose, eyery night o' my life, a&re I go to bed, I take f onr
o' these Wangoo Tablets— oompounded o' the purest 'erbs. Tou take
them to the nearest doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as
he wiU^ and you 'ear what he says of them I Take one o' them
tablets— after your pipe; after your oigaw; after your cigarette.
You won't want no more drink, you 'U find they make you oome 'ome
reglar eyery eyening, and be able to buy a noo 'at eyery week.
You 'ye ony to perseyere for a bit with these 'ere lawzengers to be
like I am myseff, doin* umnner/ul well I You see this young feller
'ere P (Indicating a sheepish head in a poUhat which is visible aver
the back of his stall,) Bom and bred in Kenada, *e was. And ^uite
right ! Bin oyer 'ere six year, so o' oourse 'e speaks the lengwidge.
And qyite right Now I'm no Amerikin myself, but they're a
wunnerful deyer people^ the Amerikins are, allays inyentin' or
suthink o' that there. And you 're at libeity to ^o and arsk 'im for
yourselyes whether this is a real Amerikin inyention or not— as he 'U
teU yer it t»— and quite right, too I An' it stands to reason as he
orter to know, seeiir he interdoooed it 'imself and doin' wunnerful
well with it eyer sinoe. I ain't oome 'ere to roh yer. Lady oome and
fiye me a two-shillin' pieoe just now. I giye it her baek. She
idn*t know— thort it was a penny, till I tdd her. Well, that ^ust
shows yer what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets are I
[After this practical HUistratum of their eMcacff^ he pauses for
oratorical effect^ and a hard~uH>rked--looktng matron pur-
chases three packets^ in the apparent hope that a similar halo
of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of her
household.
Lizerann {to SusAir Jaitx, as they walk homewards). On'y fanoy—
the other eyenin', as I was walkin' along this yery payement, a oab-
'orse oome up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed oyer my
shoulder and oreathed rifnt in my ear I
Susan Jane {awestruck). You must ha' bin a bad gell I
[LiZBBAifir is clearly disquieted by so mystical an interpretation,
even while she denies having done anything deserving of a
supernatural rebuke.
CUB BGOKINQ-OFEICE.
GxvERAL Adtb has added to our national war story RecoUections
of a Military Life (Smith, Eldkb & Ck).). Sir Johk nas not been in
a hurry. He began fighting more than forty years ago^ and K^ j^hice
filled up opportunity as it presented itself. These parti cular r^x^l-
leotions are chiefly oeoupied with the Crimean War and the ladi^
Mutiny, though the old soldier has sometMng to aay about tbe
Afghan War of 1B7S*9, and the
Egyptian War of imi. Mj
Baronite finds mo^t latere sting
the chapters about the CrimeoJi
War, certain incidents and epi-
sodes of which are narrated
with soldierlike diregtneaa and
simplicity. The 8t(»y of the
Balaolaya Charge has oeen told
in yerse and prose innumerable
times. General Adtx did not
actually see it, **a ridge of
interyening hilia intercepting
the yiew'^'as he rode ba^ to
the camp from Baladaya. But
he manages in a sentence or two
yiyidly to impress the scene on
1 he mind of the reader. Among m any good stories is one about General
Harkt JoHBB. PxLissiEB, with a Frenchman's scorn of any language
but his own, got as near as he could to ordinary pronunciation when he
called him ** General Haibt- Jozs." He did Detter when the gallant
(General was knighted, and was alluded to respectfully by the French
Commander-in-Chief as ** Sairbt-Jozs" (Sir Hasrt Join»).
Thb Babok db Boox-Wobms.
A <^uip.
Mr. Abthitb Tollbb has been appointed to the Reeordership of
Leicester. He is an able man. ^^Argal'* as the Shakspearian down
would say, *' the appointment is just Toller-able."
MAQNIFYINQ HIS CALLING.
Peter. "Na, Laddix, this is anx o' thax things a Body can
HsyxB LxABK. Thsbx 's kg nab USB in a Man takin' tab THa
JOB VNLBSS HB has a NAITBBAL BOBN APTirUDB BOB 'd 1 "
THRBE MODES OF SPENDING A BANK HOLIDAY.
{By a Cof^firmed Pessimist.)
Plan the First.—T9k» to Volunteering. Be up at daybreak.
Leaye your home after snatching a hasty breakfast of lukewarm tea!
and stale bread-and-butter. &owd into a railway-carriage, and
trayd a hundred miles or so in the greatest discomfort. Fall in'
with your company. March, counter-march, and stand at ease for
ten hours or so in sunshine, rain, fog, or snow. Staye off starya-;
tion with a packet of ^dwiohes and a bottle of ginger ale. Dead'
beat, enter crowded train a second time, and again trayd a hundred]
miles or so in the greatest discomfort. More dead than aHye, stagger^
home, and wearily roll into bed. |
Plan the Seeond.—TrY a trip to the sea-side. Share a first-class
compartment with a dozen uiird- class passengers. Trayd to
Shnmpington witii the accompaniment of rank tobacco-smoke,;
comic songs, and solos on the concertina. Ghet to your destina-;
tion with a splitting headache. Find that all the shops are shut!
and all the tayems open. Learn that Shrimpbgton, as repreeentedj
by its respectable inhabitants, goes away en masse on a bank!
holiday. Discoyer that there is but one hotd in the place. Ascer-j
tain tnat at the soliti^ hoetdry the rooms are filled with noisy;
excursionists, greedily deyouring '*the shilling tea." Search foi
nourid^ent, uid fail in your search. Fall back ''upon stale bi
at a third-rate sweet-stuff shop. Catch your train back, and endi
the torture of the morning* Trayd amongst the same company
under the like conditfens. Eaadi home hours later than you pre
on starting, and consider whether the holiday has been a triumphant]
success or a di'^mal f aUure.
Plan the Third {highly recommended). ^ Alihongh desirind
change, remain at hoine, ohoosiBg the lesser of two eyils.
Mb. Gully.— *' WmiAii Coubt GT7LLTji.P."— certainly " Caughlj
GuLLT " at last Now the question is, "Will Gullt " be acceptablci
to all parties •*E.gully"? ^.u.u^cu uy ^^ .
:^i:
174
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[April IS, 1895.
GENTLE IRONY.
Biu Driver {to Ul'/atfoured Polieman, who has tbtpped h4m ai a crosaimg). "Whmk asm teb ooik* to let mb 'avb.that PhotoI"
NOT DONE TET.
A SoNO ov St. Stbphxn's Sohool.
(To the Air of the Harrow Song, *< IMriea.")
Wsnr in fhe Springtime oold and Uaak,
In ipite of wind vad Weather,
The Bines and Bnffa, the strong and weak-
Throng out of school together ;
Off to their homes fllcfft and gay
From long sedenmts zisen*
Majors and minors rnsh to play,
_Liye lags let loose from prison.
There yon behold ** Big Bnx,'' the bold !
Hear how hisfheart reioioee—
Hoholhahal TraJa-la-la I '*—
Booms his most bass of Voices.
He oooks a snook at slate and book.
He's had his work this term, boys,
Bnt has oontriyed. by hook or orook.
To keep his footing firm, boys,
had to fight, like DiBnnr's tar,
'Gainst many a wonld-be boarder.
It needed wit as well as war
To keep the sehool in order.
But he has shown both wit and grit,
And patienoe linked abont it.
'^Hoholhahal Tra.la-U-la I ''—
Yonng Abtt hears him shoat it.
Abtt had hoped he oonld haye coped
With Bill, and licked him hollow ;
That Jack had kicked, and Sahdt moped.
And Pat refused to follow.
Bnt Bill has proved a dodgy one.
As well as a hard hitter;
And that has somewhat marredlthe fun.
And disappointment 's bitter.
What wonder then Bill's Tra^la-la
Sets Abtt Bhoatingshrilly,
** Boohoo and pah ITah-boo-yah-bah I
Ton wait a lit. Big Billt I
**With spar and. rein«
strain.
whip-stroke and
Jehu plus artfol jockey,
Yon 'to kept yonr team in tow again.
And yon look blessed cocky,
Wait tOl the way shows slod^e and day.
And yon the pace wonld quicken I
Over yon*ll roll long ere the goaL
And then the fun will thicken I "—
Bill cocks his chins, and skips and grins
like any Jumping- Jingle.
His loud Ha, ha I Tra-k-la-la 1
Sets Ajot's blood a-tingle.
**BahI You 'ye done fairly weU this half:
Think you '11 suryiye another
As the school's * Cock,' you mat fat calf P
Look out for my Big Brother I
When he gets hold of you,— my eye ! —
You won't look quite so j^y.
Think you 'ye licked me I Wait till you try
A round or two with SolltI
He 's waiting for a turn at you I
Tou think you're a smart smiter ?
*Tra.la-larla^P Yah I bully I yah I
Me '11 show you who's cook fighter I "
To Tara, My (T7n-)Tair Neiffhlxnir.
("Mbore*^— where this eametfiem.)
**Thb harp thatonce through TAXA'swalls"
Poor me disturbed in bed.
Is nightly twang'd to feline squaUs
That wrack my aching head.
I sleep not as in former days.
Her yoice cries ** Sleep no morel **
Ah, would she hadn't got this craze.
And did not Uye next door I
A Niw LiTiRART Yshtubi.— In distinct
oppoation to the ** Key-note series" will be
stiurted a ** Wed-bck-and-Key note series."
''PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.''
[** Oanads, anlike the mother-ooantrr, hat the
•ente to be pmud of its minor poetB.*^^i&. U
GaUiemein '< The JUelm,'*]
RiALLT this bitter and bold aoeusation of
Conduct so culpable cannot be borne ;
Are we indeed but a barbarous nation of
Philistines treating our poets with scomf
Are we contemptuous, then, in reality.
Of the effusions our lyricists write—
Singing sweet sonn of the Modem Moralitj.
Praiong each other from morning to night r
Modesty, deariy^ is s(miehow ayailing to
Burke them of glory which ahonld be their
own.
Modesty, morbid, ezcessiye— a failing to
Whidi, it 's notorious, poets are prone.
Oi^, he tells us, in Canada's latitude
Hononr to singm is duly allowed :
Nay, how can mtons be backward in grati-
tude.
Haying Li QALLEDnrx, axe they not pnmdP
Yes, when we Knglishmen boast of oat
national .
Glories and deeds, though the soonersdffide,
This is the greatest and really most raticnsl
Source of supreme and legitimate pride—
Not in the struggles or deeds of iniquity
Wrought by our rires in desperate fray.
Still lees in Shakspxabs, or bards of
antiquity.
But in the poets amongst us to-day I
lOght we suggest, though, if, in the opinion of
Mr. Li GALUXinrx, England's to Uama^
He and his comrades should seek toe
Dominion of
Canada, where they 'U be certain of fsme f
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL— April 13, 1896.
iVtAtN Sc
NOT DONE YET.
MiffTEB Abtt B-lp-k {to MA8TEB BiLL H-bo-t). " HA I YOU 'VE BEEN PRETTY COCKY THIS H^, BUT
WAIT TILL 'MY BIG BEOTHEE' GETS HOLD OF YEEI" ^^^ k A^OOqIp
Digitized by
Google
Apbil 13, 1896.]
PUNCfH. OB THB LONDON GHARIVABI.
177
so VERY CONSIDERATE. ,
Stout Co9ter, "Whsbx ASB ter QOiK* TO, Bill!"
Bill, *• llTTBB THB COUNTBY FOB ▲ NICE DbIYB, BBIH' BaKK 'OLIDT"
Stoui Coster. "Samb 'bbb. I 8tI don't tbb think wb might swop Mibsbbbs jitst
FOB ▲ FBW HOTTBS t It WOULD BB 80 MTJOH KINDBE TO fHB HAKIHILB I "
CONCESHIHO A MISXTSED TEEM;
vie., "Art" as recently applied to a certoin
''- form of iMeralwre*
Is this, then, ** Art "—ineffable oonoeit,
Flos worship of the Sadi-tainted phrase.
Of Dseod-Hellenio deoadenoe, effete,
Unvirile, of debased Petronian ways ?
Is this your '* Cnltnre,'' to asphyxiate
With upas-perfnme sons of English race.
With manhood- blighting eant-of-art to
, prate,
The jargon of an epioene disgraoeP
Shall worse than pomograjphio stain degrade
The name of '' fieauty," HeaVn-imparted
dower P
Are iheif fit derotees, who late disi^yed
The symbol of a yitriol-tinted flower P
And shall the sweet and kindly Muse be
shamed
By unsexed "Poetry" that defiles jonr
IM«eP. . 1
Has Art a mission that may not be named,
With ** scarlet sins" to enervate the age P
All honour to the rare and oleanly prints,
Whieh have not filled our homes from day
to day
With garbage-epigratais andpois'noos hints
How 89sthete-nierophants fair Art betray I
If saoh be ** Artists.'^ then may Philistines
Arise, plain sturdy: Britons as of yore.
And sweep them off and purge away the si^s
That England e^er such noxious offspring
borel
Thb Gbt of ihx Fbxb Libkast Fbb-
QmDiTKR.— A Cheap Loaf.
"HOW TO CONTROL AND RECTIFY
PURLIC OPINION.r
["It is impossible to bribe a French paper."— ^
i Times, Jprin.im.] \
^cssmt-^Simctum of the E^dacteur en ohel oj
** Le Gamm de Paris.** R6daeteur e^w-^
covered reading latest iseue.
lUdaeteur. Dear me, this note about the
pacific intentions of the Gbbmak Empebob is
most interestin|r ! I wonder how it got in. I
did not notice it when I glanced through thd
pages. Still, I have the most unlimited oon-^
fidenceinmyataff. (Quoting from his paper.)
* * There is lio doubt tnat we can safely ai8ann»
as Germany is our friend«-the best of nmr
friends." Dear me I Most interesting t
[Enter menial^ ushering m mj^sieri^ui
stranger.
Stranger. I trust I am Hot intruding P ^ I
RSdacteur, Certainly not. It is the duty
of an editor to be always at the service ol
those who seek his advice. No doubt you
desire my (pinion upcm some matter of Im-
portanceP
iSS^an^tfr.Youhayefuessedrightly. Which
do Tou prefer, a mansion in town or a castle
in &e country P
lUdaeteur (smiUng). Well, I am scarcely
qualified td judge, for I only possess a mansion
in town. 1 have no castle in the country.
Stranger. Pardon me. You have one now.
ICHves EiditoT title-deeds.
RSdaeteur {glancing at the documents).
What, the Chateau de St Querecs ! One of
the finest places in Brittany 1 You are really
too amiable I
Stranger. Not at alL And now tell me,
do you prefer Waoiteb to Yebdi, or Ma»-
CAGNI to MOZABT P
JRSdactewr. kxem I am at a disadvan*
tage. You tee 1 go so seldom to the Opera^
The expense is
Stranger. The expense is inconsiderable
when you possess a loge on the grand tier4
{Giving paper.) Allow me to present you
with a perpetual box.
lUdacteur. Your courtesy is simply charm-i
ingi But why do you overwhelm me with
these obligations P We are unknown to one
another. j
Strafiger {with a how)^ Not at all. You
are famous. As for me— why I am nothing.
I am absolutely valueless.
Redacteur {politelv). You do not do your-
self justice. 1 wiU oe bound you are most
valuable.
Stranger. Well, nerhaps you are right*
At any rate 1 can ml in a cheque— yes, and
with lour or five figures ! I will show you.
Permit me.
[Approaches writing materials^ and
rapidly completes draft.
R^dacteur. And for whom is that cheque P
Stranger. Read the name to whose order it
is mode payable.
R^dacteur {surprised but admiring). Mine]
This is dimply marvellous. And are you
clever enough to write a leader P
Stranger. Assuredly. See I will compose
one at once. {Sits at tahle^ knocks off an
article and hands it to K^AxJiUsxn). What do
you think of it P
Midacteur UmiUng). I will nve you my
opinion when I see it in type. You will find
it in the Qamin to-morrow. Good day I
[Scene closes inuwm a tableau suggest^
ing at once Jelieaey and the right
understanding of commercial prin-
ciples.
HiR Latxbt.— **The sUence was so great,"
said Mrs. R., **you oouldhave pickea up a
pin 1 ^lyiUiicu uy ^^.^-^ -^-^ ^^^-^ .j^\
178
PUNCH. OB THB LONDON GHARIVABI.
[Apul 18, 1896.
MINOR POETRY IN THE SERE
AND YELLOW LEAF.
A Mndid J£.F, jAmm^A mmm.
Faib Waitrew at the A. B. C,
To whioh I moit resort.
Bring me a roll and eap of tea-
No lonM* bards driu port.
No more tne lusty, gcmtoos vine
InbardioTeins makes sammer;
That's why Apollo's lyre diyine
Knows bat the sorry stmmmer .
No rieh Hbation at the ** Cook,"
Degenerate race, we poor.
And tea, not port, at five o'eloek.
Is what we all adore.
In eoffee, tea, and lemon sqnash
TheMnse ne^er dips her laurel.
So idiat we write is either
••wash"
Or hopelesaly immonL
When life, each quarter, is made
oat
Of still more janndioed hae.
The needy bard most join the
shoat.
EQs verse be jaondieed too :
Bat tea's the spell, these latter
times, .
As of some fell narootie.
That makes as weaye oar ran-
dom rhymes
All rotten, or nearotic.
We modem bardlets, tea-
inspired.
Condemn th' "old-fashioned
gang," [fired
And yet we miss the spark that
The songs oar fathers sang :
Their tastes were healthier than
their sons'.
Their rhymes were **none so
dasty," [bans.
When bards ate beef instead of
And loved their fine old
"orasty."
This sere and yellow poesy
Faint draws its siekly breath.
Le Yellow Book"
(AFricain) OfFiciel
ROHANS POUR LES ANOU)PHOBES
^^A;
fci^Ll^^ii
' ^m^ ' ^^P^^^^^^^^xrv J*% ^^^K^^^ ^^.,^^'*^^^
•-/ .\ ^. 3
•B^
Paris. Ribot.HonotouxttC'
CRATiS
' M. Hanotaux, Miiuster of Foreicii Affain, will ihortlj haTo distributed
in the Chamber and the Senate a Tmow Book relatiTe to the oonrentiont
reeently ooncluded between Franoe and Qreat Britain for the delimitation of
their retpeotiTe poiaeiiiont on the West Coast of Africa.**
Our Afiid e(nM nU he rettrained from deHgndng a Cover, tuMeh we
respeeffiMy offer to M, HamoUms,
And-
i— dooters sav'-Sodety
rill soon aeolaim its im
-^ .-.^...v sav — oofievy
. Will^soon aedaim its dssth,':
^ its grave well
fb stone apon
tf iL.plaoe,
Bat tea-pots at eaoh sonsr-
WaitrAflA. von the imba
'-tfiL.plaoe,
* Bat.tea-pow m wi
Fair Waitress, yoa the
shall graoe
As ohief , and only.
The Jabes ia Coming.
ThsJabbz sooming OhdMr.I
Chowqaeerl
Is Jabbz a-oominfft' Wbit
eheer P what ohee^
There's nothing mash kft
thoagh to hear We fesr.
We 'U bdieve he has en
he's here.
Hear I Hear I
Non BT ▲ Highly Culd-
VATXD BUT UmrUOGBflSFUL Dli-
MATiBi.— About the most fnid
DpiBirm that oan be givsnonsBT
pU\r is to say that " it rssd^
wall" ApUythatis*'atNst
to read " b, as a rale, attsr bon-
dom to see ; for in proportioA to
tkfi suooesa in the stady is, intlM
majority of eases, the fsiloreca
the stage.
) [Gimp Tbiumphaitt, avb Jvb-
TICK TO AK Old FlDDIB AI
LASTlI— In the Tkne^ **Coiirt
Ciroalar" lately appeared tks
information that '* Mre. Sem»
had the honour of dmmg tM
the Queen peeterdayj* Now.
and henoeforth, the immortsl
Mrs. Gaxp. rising ''morallysnd
physioally,'' oan denoimos say
^' bsge ereetar " who would dsfs
to repeat Mrs. Pug's ''msnar
able and tremendoos woidi,
spoken of Mrs. Habbib, thedsir
friend of "Saiekt^ Id«t
believe thisre's no nehapctson."
ANACKEONTICS POB ALL.
SWIG UP THIS (OOCOA) OUP !
Am—" Drink ofthie Cup^^
Swig ap this cap— yoa will find there 's a speQ in
Its depths for the ills and the adies ol mOTtality.
Drink I Of dyspepsia's dire woee yoa'U
be well in
A Yankee split seoondl (No fndge,
bat reality).
Woald voa forget wine, or whiskey, or
Only skim off the film that will gather
a-tqpof it,
CUs merefy the milk in eoaffolate skin,)
Then stir itap briskly ana drain every
drop of it I
Swig ap this eap, fto.
Never was neotar-eap brewed with sadh
power.
Or i^tre ; while here noaght to in-
^-iAi^ jare or hart is meant.
Of Ooooa this is the pare pick and fine flower.
There's no starch or fat in it (vide Advertisement!).
They who with this have their stomaohs weQ filled^
Are proof against hanijer, fatigae, and bad weatner.
This wonderfal draaght is not brewed or distilled.
Bat it ludcs all theiiqaors and oordials together.
Swig ap this cap, fte.
And thoagh, perhaps,— bat oh t breathe it to no one t—
'Tis
loafh,
stodgy
and nms to obesity awfally.
If yoa've no ooat to yoor tam-tam, yoail grow on
(The rival advertisements tell as so— jawially.)
What thoagh it tasteth insipid and tame P
When tea is taboo, and when ooffee 's forbidden.
Try ooooa from— well, let each fill ap tho name^
There are fif^ at least^ and their light is fia< hidden!
Swig ap this oiq>, &e.
So swig ap the cap of— eaoh " 'User ^ is telling
In every paper, with great aotaality.
The fame of hu brand, with maeh swagger and sweUing,
Other ads. may be fiotion, bat hie is reality.
So swig ap the cap when voa breakfast tea, sap.
Of so-and-so's (string oi saperlatives) ooooa I
(I 'd "give it a name,'' bat I oaren't try thai game,
For fear of severe (editorial) Toko).
Swig ap this eap, fte.
Latbsi fbox Pabis.— " MooBB of Moore HalL with nodhing it
at all'' has.»o< "slain," nor has he
iten with," nor given any kind of
aotien" to, the Dragon of Want-
ley, represented (as the incident is to be
" relegated to the realms of oomio opera ")
on this oooasion by the Wlotorioas
"WmsiLBB Coon." It is, however,
reported that the impressionist artist,
animated by the sportsmanlike deaireoi
getting a shot at something or somebody,
the MoNbil, or Jaoqubs lb Sifflbub,
woald like to engage a Moore for the
shooting season. The most reoent wire
reports. "No Moore at present J. MoN. W." And, probably, hfft
doses the incident
Last Wbek's BusnnDBS.— Bverything very maoh ap in the CSty
espesially the pavement in Gannen Street
■■lUILl^A-U UV
■ihb^Ih
April 13, 1896.]
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
179
''TO PAEIS AND BACK FOE NOTHING."
Bib, — ^A UMt ezoelleiit institatioB^ nin on moral linee, has recently
beenadTertuui^'*At(mrontheC(mtiiient''for£5. This modest Bum
is to eorer trayeUing and hotel ezpnises, and no doubt has boon
ww^ed out on the most yirtoons principles. In these days ol rapid
M ogress, however, we ean never stand stOL andTthe question arises,
Oaiuiot the hoMday be eheapenedP I contend it oan« and as your
paper represents the human race in general and the British pubhc in
psracolar, I desire to make known my discovery through your
oolunms. Of course ** Trips for nothinff^'— the journeys I wish to
crgamse-Hsannot be manaifed without a little thought and arrange-
ment. For mv purpose it is best not to insist too narshly upon the
importance of truth and honesty. After all, both these words rnnresent
abstract ideas, that may be necessary for publication, but need not be
absolutely accepted as a goarantee of good faith.
Without further preface I jot down my programme. Say that a
wonld-be traveller without means desires to visit the Capital of
France gratnitouslv. I would have him present himself at the
l^ctoria Station nrbed in the unif onn of a guard. The necessary
costume, on spplication, wonld be supplied to him by one of the
agents m the Unprincipled Touring Cnnpany— the institution it is
my aim to establish. Just as tiie night mail was starting for Dover
he would enter the luggage-van, and then all wonld be dear until he
reached Paris. He woula accompany the boxes andportraanteaus to
Galais, and be transferred (being registered) to the Ghemin de Fer du
Kord, and remain undisturbed until he reached the terminus.
On coming^ out of the van he would be met by one of the agents of
the Unimndpled Touring Company, and be accused of beinr a spy.
This would immediately secure his arrest and safe custody in a
Parisian poliee-station. The agent, having played his part, would
disappear. It would now bec(mie the duty 7and 1 trust the pleasore)
of the wonld-be trayeller to look after himself without further
assistance. He would appeal to the British Ambauador. He would
tsU his sim]de tale, how he had been drugged and conveyed in a state
of coma to the luggage-van : how he had no money, and had been
M> affected bv the narcotics, laat his mind had become a perfect blank.
The British Minister wonld. doubtiees, secure his release, and supplv
bim with fonds. He would see some of the cheaper sights for which
Paris is celebrated, and then return home by an inezpensive route,
highly delighted with his adventures.
It will doubtiess occur, in this practical age. to persons having even
the most moderate amount of brains, that hitherto the profits of the
Uniirincipled Touring Company have remained unmentioned.
**Where do they come inP'^ will be the universal question. My
answer is simidy, " Hush money.'' The wonld-be traveUer, having
avaDed himself of the services of the proposed organisation, would,
for the remainder of his existence, be under an obligation to pay as
mudi as he could convenientiy (or even inoonvenientiy) spare to a
society which had secured for him so much semi-innocent recrea-
tion.
It may be advanced by ultra purists that the system of business
that would be inaugurated by the XT. T. C. wonld be immoral. To
this I triumphanti|r reply, not more immoral than other systems in
full working order in many companies d the highest respectability
compatible with limited liability.
I remain, yours resDcctfully,
A PsoiusDie PnoMons.
WHICH IS THE CORRECT CARD?
Iir Th4 Theatre, a '* review and magasine " most useful as well as
entertaining to all interested in the drama at home and abroad,
there appears, in the critical notice of what is lust now successful on
the Parisian stage, a short account of a piece
called M. le DireeUur. ''It is,** says the
writer, '*aft amuiiftg hut not very savoury
skit Ufon the Ufe of the petty official, ami
the aavantage taken by the headofa ffubUe
office to subserve his amorous propensities in
the management of his department and the
Sromotion of his subordinates.** Quite evi-
ent from this what sort of a farcical comedy
it must be. This appears at p. 238. But at
L246, among *' The Echoes nom the Green
nn," we iind that this piece, M. le Direc^
teur, which is at jyresent ^* drawing: all Paris
to the Yaudeville Theatre, is certainly one of
the most amusing plays," &c &c, ^* and it
depends for tts success more upon genuine
humour and innocently comic tneident than upon salaciousness of
sOuation or untranslatable unL** Which of these accounts of the
same play is the correot one ?
THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION.
•'When ark you cohino out with ms, Mummt? "
*'K0T THIS MOBNINO, D^BUKG. I 'VS TOO MUCH TO DO t "
"Oh, but YOU jfi7»r, Mummy. I've aleeady put it in my
WEW DiABY that YOU DW/"
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIABT OP TOBT, M.P.
Souse of Cotnmons, Monday, April 1. — ^There is about JoHir Aibd
an artlessness of leok and manner the price whereof is beyond rubies.
Sabs fancies it is Hb^ beard that has much to do with it When you
get a man light-hearted as a boy endowed with lon^ grey beard, com-
plications certain to ensue. AntD's beard has precisely same preter-
natnrally proper look whellier he is sitting in parish church listening
to sermon, or daneilig 4 liompipe on the white deck of the P. ft O.
Caledonia. Only he dances better than the average rector preaches.
Just the man to take part in the old Parliamentary yame known as
asking friendly question. UsuaUy played with mnister taking a
hand. If Treasury Bench wants to Imng out some fact or appear-
ance of iu^ Whip gets Member on back bench to put question on
* *eot Ptetty to see Minister on such occasions ; his startled leok
sul . . ,
on hearing himself addressed; his glance round to see if this is really
his hon. friend who is presuming to trouble him with what might be
awkward inqniry ; then his slow^ almost hesitating answer which
effectuallv corrects a calumny or mps a slander i' th' ond.
To-nignt, in view of i>enaing division on second reading Welsh
Disestablishment Bill it was felt desirable to produce effect of over-
whelming national indignation at threatened spoliation of the Church.
Since Bill introduced petitions against it been dribbling in from
teeming nopnlation of English hamlets sternly sa3in^ This thing
shall not be. Apart from political importance of question, petitions
have peculiar interest as revealing existence of unknown dusters of
cottage homes. Thomas Haxdt never invented such qusint. charm-
ing names as the industry of compilers of petitions again«t this Bill
have brought to light. St. Dogmaels, St. TwynnePs, Pattiswick,
Neen SoUars, Chittlehamholt, Hampton Poyle. Woodeaton, Pawler*s
Pury, Abbev Dore, Penwortham, LiUingstonc Lovell, Crockham HilL
Weston-under-Penyard| Itchen Stoke, Cunton Green—names musical
with the sound of cnurcn bdls, sweet with the scent of newly mown
hay. the breatk of cowslips.
lids upheaval of the people on behalf of Mother Ghuich loses its I
\ 180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Apbil 13, 1895.
effect bv reason of ordinary prooednre whereby petitions presented
at the Table are straightway thrust into a sack, and oartea off to a
Inmber room. Thing to do was to get Member to pnblioly inquire
from Chairman of Petitions Committee how the matter stood in the
ledger; how many petitions against Bill, how many in favour.
Who could do this better than Johk Ajxd P So he put question to
Daleticflb, and learned with dramatically ill-oonoealed surprise
that whilst over a thousand petitions against the BiU haye poured in
on the House, not one had been reoeiTed in its fayour. It is true
that another question from opposite side of House brought out ftut
that at least one of these Stats documents was result of labours of
wife of Clerk to Guardians of St Asaph Union, who had been
instrumental in obtaining the unbiassed opinion of the resident
paupers on question at issue. But that a mere detaiL
Businest done.— Second Reading Welsh Disestablishment Bill
carried by majority of 44 in House of 564 Members. ** Ckoyeh!
Cheychy^ roared Maboit, and was with difficulty restrained from
singmg ** The March of the Men of Harlech:'
Tuesday,— Eyidently in for another dull time. Welsh Disestablish-
ment Bill off, enter Irish Land Bill. Time precious ; business press-
ing ; eyery Quarter of hour worth a Chancellor of the Exchequer's
ransom. Ministers anxious aboye all things to get along with
business. John Moblst, accordingly, sets useful example by deliyer-
ing speech an hour and twenty minutes long. This, as he men-
tioned, followed upon exorbitsnt demands on patience of House
when he introduced the BilL Cassgit, not to be outdone, certainly
not to be blamed, took up about as much time. Later came St.
JoHK Bbodeick, astonished at his own moderation in speaking for
only seventy minutes.
*^ This is not debating," Sabk says. " It is just making speeches
by the yard. Hasn't the remotest effect upon the human mind, still
less upon deliberate action of House. Isn't even pretence of a nght ;
second reading will be passed without diyision : Bill will go to
Committee in preoLBelj same state as would haye been the case had
it been read a second time before dinner, and Members spent rest of
eyening in bosom of their families. Towards end of Session there will
be complaint of nothing done. At least Treasury Bench mustn't lift
up its ydce in reproach at such conclusion. If right hon. gentlemen
set us such eyil example, they mustn't complain if we follow it."
House in desolate state tnroughout spirit-sapping performance.
Tim Hvalt sat it all out. Contributed aunost only token of life to
the dull monotony. In dangerously explosiye state. If anybody
had sat on saf ety-yalye would haye burst to dead certainty. Happily
got off a few life-saying grunts and groans. Played sort of chorus to
Cabsof 8 speech snd Bbodricx's monologue. Iliey seyerelY ignored
him—treatment which had no effect on his exuberance of spirits.
I ** Who are these Irish owners," Beodbici asked, looking seyerely
across table at John Moblbt, ** who want to buy their tenants'
interest in order to sell it at a higher price P "
** I 'U giye you iMr names," cried Tnc, after the fashion of the
laughty boy safe at the outer edge of a crowd.
^ **I dffy the right hon.
gentleman to produce a
single instance,'' Bbodbick
continued, taking no notice
of Tnc
''I'll ffiye you half a
dozen," shouted Tim, eyer
readj to oblige, though
leaying it in doubt whether
the half dozen he offered
were lashes or other in-
stances. Then the police-
man, in shape of Spiakbb,
appMred on scene, and for
awhile there was silence on
the back benches, and dull-
ness regained its sway.
Buiinese done, — Second
Beading Irish Land Bill
moyed.
Thur9day,—YQit illustra-
tion of soft answer that
tumeth away wrath, Caw-
MiEL - BAKmsBXAir^s reply
4 BmSi-& ConTcnience of ^^ ^^^^^ j^^ ^^^
- ^' by fresh stories of how her
sons,' turning up on parade on St Patrick's Day proudly wearing
shamrock, were ordered by brutal Saxon officers to ** fliujir it on the
nnd." Tqc Hbalt had cases brought under his notice. Neyer
>r this branch of United Ireland to appear as sole champion of
Rational rights in this matter. So wearisome WnjJB Rkdmohd
fwaggers on scene with another case.
I A delicate subject for SEeRXXAET of Siatx fob Wab to handle.
On one hand, discipline must be maintained. On the other, nationsl
sentiment must not
\ft affronted, espe-
cially when repre-
sented in House by
sufficient yotes to
turn the scale in
any diyision. Ga.w-
MEL - BaHKEBJCAV
mot only said right
thin|r, out said it
in nffht way. '* I
myself," he mor-
i^ured with pret-
tily apdogetio air,
*:' stand in a some-
Irhat neutral poei-
t&on, because 1 be-
Ibng to a country
whone national
^blem does not
lisnd itself to the
conyenienoe of the
button-hole."
House laughed
at idea of C a wmil-
Bannsema!? bust-
Ibfr in on Bt, An-
drew^ a Day with
buDoh of thisU&s
in his button* hole*
With the laugh
the battle WM won;
^hat might have
been in \m% itkilfal
hands an awkward
<^ amid g<*nial ■^* ^* Ruieell between Landlord snd Tenant,
laughter. Bueinese done,Siil!L expUiniug why we are not going
to oppose Second Beading Irish Land Bill, though we regard it as
most reyolutionary and dangerous measure of recent times.
JVuiay.—Second reading Irish Land Bill through at last Passed
stage without diyision. which seems odd considering apprehension
with which Opposition regard it. Situation largely dun to BoAiriBon
£Lu88Rll, one of few men who understand Bill. Explained it in
luminous speech, like some others thrown away on scanty andienoe.
BOAKXB0BB later indicatid his impartial attitude by seatina: himself
between landlord and tenant, represented by Josxph of Birming-
ham and son Ausriir. Joi incidentally mentions he has only one
tenant, that is ArsTEK, **who," he added, with plaintiye note,
which found echo with the Irish landloi^ds, *' pays no rent, and is
always coming down on me for compensation."
• Btuineee done. — Irish Land Bill read second time.
LITERARY "FOOD AND FEEDING."
The present generation affirms that it cannot away with Pickwtck,
and is not attracted b^ Vanity Fair, The balanoe of modern
opinion would be rather in fayour of Thackeray than nf Diceevs.
Take, for example, the two works already quoted, Picktrtck and
Vanity Fair, A common modem objection made to Pickwick is,
that the characters in Pickwick are perpetually guttling or imbibing,
or both simultaneously. This is, to a certain extent, true. But how
about Thackeray's characters in Vanity Fair f A careful student
has sent us a list of the numerous eatings and drinkings in both
noyels. In Pickwick^ reckoning from the brandy-and-water psr-
taken of by Mr, Jingle^ at the Pickwiddans' expense, after the scene
with the pugnacious hackney-coachman, and finishing with the
breakfast that celebrated the marriage of Mr, JSnodgraee with Mi»i
EmUy Wardle, there are exactly (so we are informed) one hundred
and one instances of drinking SAd eating ; some of them being of
drinking only, unqualified.
In Vanity JTatr, from the introduction of Mtse Pinkerion*8
'* seed cake," to Becky taldng Amelia a cup of tea, vide chapter
sixty- seyen, we learn, on the same authorify, that there are one
hundred and fifteen cases *' allowed for refre&hment" in some form
or other.
A collection of the meals of heroes and heroines in the most popnlsr
works of fiction, and nienue compiled th^'efrnm. might be found
interesting, especially if carefully criticised by Sir Hekry Thompsoit
in a separate chapter to be added to the next edition of his really
inyaluable work, namely. Food and Feeding. Do the modem
noyelists feed their characters as plentifully as did Diceevs and
Thackeray theirs? Be this as it may, tibese two great Twin
Brethren— so utterly dissimilar in eyerything except in the po s s e ssi on
of the gift of genius— fed their readers well and bountifully.
Ann. SO, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON GHARTVARI.
181
IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.
The New Governess, " What asm thx Ck>]fPAKiLTiYB Axi> Sttpxb-
LATIYK OF BaJ>, BlBTT I"
B&rty (the Dodor^s son). *'Bai>— Wobbs— Dead 1"
A CHINCJAPANESE CALENDAB.
{For the next Ten Fears.)
1895. Treaty of peace signed between China and Japan, en the
baaie of the opening np of Chinese territory and introdnotionof
machinery into the Celestial Empire. The Japanese prophesy that
the compact will ultimately proTc to be for the benefit of the Chinese.
1896. Japan floods China with home-made merchants, who obtain
an enormous trade.
1897. Enflrland, America and France follow suit, and, after a
euse, the remainder of the dyilized world adopt the prerailing
ihion.
1898. Japanese China becomes over-popalated, tlianks to the
foreign invasion, and there is much discontoit amongst the original
inhabitants.
1899. The foreigners, haying secured all the possible trade that
conld be obtained, commence the erection of manufactories.
1900. Japanese China challenges Birmingham, Glasgow, Lyons,
and Marseilles on their own ground, and holds its own. It claims to
be one of the most productiye places on the face of the universe.
1901. The introduction of machinery having throvn the teeming
millions of Japanese China out of work, there is great discontent
amo*^gst them.
1902. An enterprising dtizen of the United States of America
projf cts an emigration scheme for supplying the outer woiid with the
superfluous population of Japanese Cmna.
1903. The scheme of the dtisen of the U. 8. A. proves a great
suocess, and six^ millions of Chino-Japanese are conveyed to the
two worlds, the old and the new.
1904. The original inhabitants of Europe and America, undersold
by the Chino-Japanese. are ousted from tbeir positions and left with-
out work. Consequently, great prosperity of the Chino-J^NUiese.
1906. Fulfllment of the prophecy, that the treaty of peace between
China and Japan signed in 1895 was ** reaUy for the oenefit of the
Chinese.*'
WONTP'WASH!
Or, The BrUUh Le n m dr ss ^ s LemmL
[Thire is fslk of a oompMiy ibr ttking •xa lauBdry-work ovtr to HoUmad,
washing it there, and retandng it to the owners at a lass eost than it aan'be
done for at home.]
Ik matters of laundry the fault of them Dutch,
Is eharginsr too little, and grabbing too mueh I
They'd collar our collars, out off inth our shirts I
The heart of a true washerwoman it hurts
To think of Frows taking our time-honoured tub.
What, travel to Holland to get rub and scrub.
While soap and strong arms mav in Britain be found Y
It 's worse than them Stores ! Furrineers may be found
To do dirtv work on the oheap. I 've no doubt ;
But can old Johk Bull know just what he 's about
In sending our work from bis shores in this way f
T 'm sure it won't wash, end I 'ope it won't pav !
Shall we to Mynheer and his frowsy Frow truckle.
Whiles one English woman has arm, wrist, and knuckle f
Forbid it, my listers ! My natriot 'eart
Is up in my mouth at this mus new start.
There is an old proverb, ana what do it say ?
It is the true laundress's motter, I say.
But what in the world to Johk Bull can 'ave come
If he can't wash his own dirty Unen at *omo f
A MISMANAGED ACCIDENT.
Havx just discovered that the lyrettv girl I met at the dance the
other niffht is a lady nurse at CSiaring Cross Hospital. Such a nice
srirll Wbat a charming nurse she must bel Almost Wish I was
laid up at the hospitaL In fact, quite wisb it. But I can't be.
Another outrage on the miserable, downtrodden, middle dass. If I
were one of the fortunate, pampered masses,* a Working Man. I
should be nursed by her, if I were fll, and bv others, perhaps, like
her. Stay I There is a chance. If I could! be damaged in an
accidf ntr--iiot too much damaged— and carricnl to the hosuital, they
must look after me, and nurse me. They couldn't help themselves.
Northumberland Avenue— the very place! Never cross it without
being nearlv run over.
Oo straight there and look eagerly for the usual rushing hansoms.
Here's one. Stroll in front of \K Driver puDs asid^, shouts and
swears at me, and goes on. Reflect that some caution is neces-
sary. If the wheel went over my neck, even her ministratioDs would
be useless. Must be run over judici'>usly. Better only be knocked
down. Stroll across road again. Here comes one. Shouts from
driver. A large splash of mud in w eye. And that's alL These
cabmen drive so absuvdly welL They pull up, or pull aside, or
pull somswhere instantly. Wipe mv eye. and then see something
better. Old lady's brougham, from the suburbs, driven by the sort
of ooachman who also works in the garden. He won't be able to pull
aside quioklv. Stroll in front of horse. Shoute from gardening
coachman. Horse nearly on me. Suddenly polled back bv fussy
policeman, who says I had a narrow escape. Hang the fellow, oi
cnurse I did I Am obliged to give him ten shillings for his prompt
action. Begin to despair of this accident. Stroll on nearly to Em-
bankment. Immense van coming alonsr at a trot. Much too heavy.
I should be smashed flat. And this driver seems to want to run
over me. Escape with difflcultv by jumping aside. At that moment
something bits my lers, I am thn^wn down, and a wheel passes over
my foot. It is a co«tennonflrer*s donkAy-csrt which was racinir the
van. How ignominious ! To be Imocked down by a donkey and run
over by a truck'! Yery painful too. Feel as if I should faint.
Picked up by sympathetic people who ru«h to me. Say feebly to
them, '* Take me to the hospital." Then faint.
After a short time open my eves. Am beinsr carried in somewhere.
At last I I shall forget the pain. I am in the hospitaL She will
nurse me! /$%«— oh, heavens! Though I have planned it all,
snppose I ought to mnrmur, ** Where ami?" Do lo. **In St
Thomas's Hospital," ssys somebody.
A fortnight later,^And I am in it still
AoooiDDre to a paragraph last week in the Westminster Oatette,
onoting from the Austrahan B&vtew of Bwiews, it appesrs that the
Earl of Tabmouth has been making a sensation in the ColoniAs as a
** Skirt-dancer." Queer flsh this nobleman I belongs to the Bloater
Aristocracy.
A N OBLB Plu]I«eb.— One day last week in the Timss appeared an
article headed ** Lord RayUigh on Waves." Bather early for sea-
bathing, oh f Evideotlv so, such prominence having been given to
the fact by the leading journaL
VOL. (Tfin
18S
PUNCe, OR THE LONDON CHAMVABL
[Aran SO. 189B.
"BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
Mr.l\iiiiieh(wac(nniiigMimapring4im$), «Olad to an tof, my dmab! Bbqan to thikk you wkbm nxvbb ooMim 1'
J ^ " - ' ' ,Hl " *
April 20, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
18S
"ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. XI.— Aftui Bank Holiday.
''BETTEK LATE THAN NEVEE."
Mr, Punch to Mui Spring : —
Wkll, here 70a are at last, deart Are the biting Uizzarda past,
dearP
And unll you gaarantee us from subjeotion to the nlnmber P
Will no easoal ley splinter from the serried spears of Winter
Pat a ohill uspn your smile, and spoil the promise of the Summer P
We 'ye been waiting worn and weary, till e'en oaekoo-songs sound
oheery.
And belated almond-blossoms show like roses of Cashmere :
And the oookney ohannt now flowing, " All-a-blowing and a-grow-
ingl"
Falls nr sweeter than MASCAairi upon London's longing ear.
Where on earth haye yon been hiding P We are in no mood for
ehiding,
Bat mid-April's rather late, dear, for what should have oome
inMarohl
What malignant hooos-poons has kept baok the idaoky orooas,
Whose gold is soaroe yet bursting from the beds the winds still
parehP
After tAAt six weeks oold map, dear, of fast frosen pipe and tap,
dear,
When baok to barbarism and to bathleasness fate drove us,
And we sioklier grew, and sarHer, if you'd oome a leetle earlier,—
Well, let bygones new be bygones! But Spring sweet! an you
lore us,
Gomie— at last, dear— ^ la Hibbiok, with snoh influenoe atmospheric
As will slay the Influensa; with snoh fragrance from your flowers,
As win knock Malaria silly ; let your dear daffydown-dilly
From eur bodies drive bacilli, and the blight from out our bowers.
Slay our lOerobes, finning, and bless us! like a clinging Shirt of
Nessns
Horbid sickHness surrounds us in our lives, our books, our art.
Oh. if sonshine and your breeies might but day our sonl-disoases.
Oust the pestilent miasma that Dorvades the nome, the mart ;
Neutraliie the nauseoos vims whose developments so tire us ;
Dinnf eet the New Pamassos, purge the If ew Pierian Spring,
Bring us honesty and health, dear, why for all oar wit and wealth,
dear.
We might love like Nature's lovers, and like Natore^s poets sing.
Ah I we need Spring's prophylactic !— But I 'm getting too didactic
For a sonny April morning, and a sweet young thing like you.
My dear, the London Season^ wrapped and lurred out of all reason.
Has been waiting, deeked Bke Winter, with a nose-tip neaily blue ;
Waiting, waiting for your coming. . Sweet as bees in elover
humming
Is the first sound of your f ootf alL Most spontaneous of passbns
Is the love for you, you darling. Ton will bring the thrush and
starling,
And the young leaves and the young lambs, and, what 's better—
the Spring Fashione / / /
So no wonder that she greets you with effusion when she meets you.
Ah, Sprinff I 'tis not yoor luaos, and your daffodils and stocks.
Or the tender leaves the trees on, that most moves Miss London
Season,
'Tis the hope of **rippin"' froUcs and thethonghtlof /'trotty"
frocks. J
But an old man's heart, my treasure, beats to quite another
measure.
Still my sympathies, dear Spring, are with the youngsters and
wiuyou.
They axe looking for lovers playtime, and the merry, merry May-time,
And the popolar R. A. time, and me whole tohu-bdhu I
Bring the gms delights as dowry, may their social paths be
flowery.
And your silver drops the only tears they need to look
So they're whdeeome, may they flourish; and may
influenoe nourish
True manhood and pore womanhood, and— there, my preaching's
done!
We need a true Spring Cflean^ sweet Give us parks and gardens
green, sweet.
And laughter, like your bird-songs pure, un-satyr-like, thoogh
dever,
Blees our boys, oar girls, oar babies, jm^-and Mng ue hack our
And we'll pardon your delay, and cay 'tis better late than never!
OpposTuiriTT L08T BT Mb. Jxtshcb Hawxivb nuBDre a bbgiht
Casb WHXir Hu Lobimhip mioht havb fut it to thb Jitbt.—
" Gentlemen, what is the difference, or, as there has been no auarrel,
let us say what is the distinction between a oostonder and a Dutcher
anxious to arrange his shop-front to the best advantageP Gentle-
men, I wiU not detain you, it is this : The costumier meets out the
dresses ; the butcher 'aroassi out' the meats. Gentlemen, you are
discharged."
To Chabhablb CHBaa-PLAnBS.— A good move at
-*' cheque to his Bishop." .^.g.u^c^u uy -^
tine is
.^J' -i;v EL Vs
o
184
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHAMVAW.
[Afroi 30, 189fi.
BLIND ALLEY-Q0RIE8.
Bt DuHiro WIimiAm,
{TnmlaUd from the oriff(iiuU]Lapp($k hy Mr. Pumtk's oum
fffperhmtm Mnthuriad,)
Ihtrodxjciobt Notb.
It affords me no ordinarj natifioation to be the hnmble instmmeiit
in renderingr these ezgnisite^ obseoie prose-poems— reeking as they
are with the self-eonsoioosnees of so magni&oently triumphant an
Ego— into the English tongne, though I am folly aware of the diffi-
omly of preseorring all the mystioal nnintelligiliility of the originaL
Dusnro WIhbiab is
perhaps the most re-
markable personality
that his native Lapland
has yet produced. He
first saw the light on
April 1, 1879, at Sjul-
diuax, so that he may
still be oalled oompara-
tiTol:f young. His im-
pres8i<mable, senaitiTe
soul broke out in early
revolt against the train-
oil and tallow which
formed the traditionary
nutriment of his family
circle, and in 1883 we
find him casting off the
shackles of oonvention-
ality and escaping to
Sweden in his sledge-
perambulator. There
ne has lived ever since,
and has already secured
a foremost place among
the greatest phjsiolo-
gioal psychologists of
Scandinavia. As a mor-
bid pathologist, he sur-
passes STBIlTDBBBe;
while in neurotic ssnsi-
tiviim, he has hustled
Honuoir into a back
seat ; easily beaten
Bj5sKS0ir in diagnosis
of the elusive emotions ;
and taken the indiges-
tible cake of suuok-
baked symboUsm from
the master hand of Ib-
BES himself I Small
wonder, then, that the
commonest penwiper
containing issues from
his pen is eagerly sought
"I WW many myriidf of ipeotnd kittan formi and uniabstantial egf-ihapea.*'
after by admirers of such effusions.
He belongs ('tis true) to the Literary Upper Crust, and is for the
few rather than the many ; while so absolute has been his fidelity to
the principles of his art, that he has published every one of his works
at a considerable pecuniary loes.
Need I sav more to ensure for him that respectful admiration
which the puolio is ever ready to lavish upon anythmg they fail to
understand?
Let me rather efface myself and leave Dunko Wabouab— or
" Toung Gabhawat,'' as is his self-adopted pseudonym— to unfold
the rhythmic charm of his own inimitable incomprehensibili^.
BLIND ALLBT-GOET THE FIRST.
THB LOST BACKBOVB.
One summer evening, when the moon was at the full, and dloud-
shadows glided imperceptibly over the bhimney-pots, as curses that
have found no utterance and come dqeetedly home to roost, I wan-
dered into m V back-garden, and caught the God of the Period napping
in the moonshine on one of my celery-beds.
He rose up suddenly and reposed awhile in space, with his head
resting on the back of the Great Bear, and one foot on the arm of
OassiopMa's Chair, while with the other he skimmed the cream off the
Milky way. And he seemed to be everywhere and yet nowhere in
particular, and he said nothing, and I was afraid to make a remark
—and there was no sound, save tiiat of the boundless, inconceivable
sOence which was rumbling round the corner.
Presentiy he came down to the celery-bed enee more.
** What are you seeking for so late f" aakedhe: ** your face looki
so long and solemn, and your eyes are hollow and full of woe. Hits
you been having anything indigestible for supper P ''
** I am in trouble about Humanity." I replied ; ** for, i«v
loathe and despise them individually, colleotively I b?e
dearly.'*
** What's the matter 'with Humanity?" asked the God, u he
squatted amid the celery.
'* They are growing so deadly dull," I answered. " I am Young
Gabhawat, the Pessimistic Prose Poet, and it pains me to see how
utterly thev have lost tiieir perception of the ridiculous, whidi ii the
backbone of real eigoyment. Sol came out to see if by any duinoe
the backbone was hid-
den under one of the
fiower-Dots."
The Period-God cnee
more pervaded the end-
less spaee that glittered
in darkling infinitude
round about and light
ahead of him. It seemed
to me, whenheretumed,
that he had been laugh-
ing ; but suddenlv I aaw
him poll himsetfj^to-
gelher, and frown, •u ^
And from afaraniR-
ling rose through the
gloom, and darknessfell
upon my back-nrden.
knocking a basiBek on
the waterbutt, and
above the garden-wall*
there appeared a crowd
of rude persons, in pot
hats, with red bUmg
tongues and wide nin-
nin^ mouths^ hoIdiBg
their sides with inex-
tinguishable mirth. AU
at once the gigf lee
turned into the tmiing
of Philistinea, and there
was a fantastic shadowy
horseplay, which rolled
nearer and nearer.
I saw many myriads
of spectral kitten formi,
and unsubstantial egg
shapes rushing towards
me through the air.
Instinctively I ran in-
doors and gripi^ the
umbrella from its cor-
ner, and stood on guard.
Then I heard some-
onechudklinjgQ^tecloee
to me, chuckling softiy , but unmistakably. And the booing hushed,
and the gloom lightened^ and the garden-roller glimmered f •i'^
in the moonlit summer night, and inside the lawn-mower lay the God
of the Period crying with uncontrollable laughter.
** When the time comes," he said, ** when mankind gets wearr of
Paraded Pessimism, and the Big Scandinavian Boom has burst, then
I will oonjuro forth the Great Guffaw ; and then it will be time for
all Dyspeptic Decadents to ^et under their umbrollas— just as yon
did awhile ago, for mankind will have reooverod its sense of
humour, and will decline to take them seriously. But you had miuh
better leave off bothering your head about that lost baokbone, for
you won't be happy when they get it I "
And while 1 was taking off my goloshes indoors, I heard again ue
sound of snapping celery sticks, as the Period-God rolled on the
bed in ecstasies of stifled merriment, and I wondered at intervals
what it was all about.
For Outwabd AppucATioir.— '**A mak may change his skies,
as the Boman poet puts it," quoth the Daify TeUgraph, '* but ^
does not so easily change his habits." The Academy is about to
open. The pietures will soon be hung, yamishing day oemies, wim
last chance for alteration. Then comes in Latin poetic proverb,
** A man may change his skies, but, do what he will, ne cannot alter
that peculiar style that marks the work as his, and nobody else's."
Nbw PB0VBBB.-AU «« problem" and mf^ky" makes dramas
dull joy. Digitized by vnO ^.^ ^, *l^
April 20, 1895.]'
PXJNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVABL
185
SHOCKING HEATHENISM.
BtetoT, "So Toir oo up to Town kxzt month, Mim ICast* How I mmrToir t And ov oovxsb tov 'll AmND thx Mat MnrnrcMi.'*
MiuMtary, *'ILlt Mkbtinos? Oh dba.r no! Thoitoh I adobx Hobsm, I qvitb disappbotx ov lUanrtf, don't tov xnowI"
QUE BOOKING-OFFICE.
Thi Baron heartily weloomea the aiypearance of -Hoi
in French, under the yery attraetiye ^le and title of t^tdolins. ' No
fear now of the entente eardiale between England and France being
disturbed; and that is indeed une **pensee** la phu ** heureuee" au
I* inpinieuee*^ The dialogue with the patient angler ivho remains
in the middle ol the stream day after day, and, probably, niffht after
nighty qnite a httle lesson in FrenoL
i^iSSia. '^^Frie quelaue ehoeef* * Bien.^ * Pae
mordu du tout 7* * Uhe foit^ jt croie,^ Le
peeheur n^a pa$ perdu son calmer mats son atr
n*a rien de triomphant,**
And the world goes on and the mouvement
continnee, and ever and anon the Happy
Thonghter, retnming to the river, finds tue
same man in the same boat in almost the same
position. Then, before retiring for the night,
the H. T. takes one torn on the lawn, *' pour
m* assurer f^* he says, **^ fe ne louse rien
derriere mot. An si! fe laisse Phomme au
hachpt^ ioufours sa Ugne en main. Jlavait,
parait-il, un peu redescendu le courant,
^ Bonne peehe f ' * Non.* ' Pris quelque
chose f ' ^ Bien.^ " Those who read ^' entre
les Ugnes" may see in this figure of unre-
warded patience and perseverance more than
meets the eye. M. Avbelden dx Coubdon has
done his work excellently well, ** avec Path-
torisation de Pauteur,*'
I found a book on my table lying among a
number of others put aside to be read at *' a more convenient season.^
The title attracted me^Clove Pink, Its leaves are of last autumn,
but the story they tell is for ever. It is admirably written; itsword-
palntiiig is the work of a true artist : but beginning brightly and
gladly, as do the lives of the young hero and heroine, it ends sadly
Diit sweetly. If you are not averse to a simple, well-told tale, with
stirring incidents of modem warfare, graphically narrated, that
stand out in startling contrast to the scenes of ouiet English rural
Uf e. a story whose pathos and simple truth wjH touch yotl deeply,
nad dope Pink, says Thb Bason di Boox-Wonn.
"Pridoline.»'
VEST CATCHING.
In the Times, of Monday, April 8, appeared an advertisement
headed ** Lent, Lent— Fish, Fish." This meant, of course, that the
season was Lent, not that the fishmonger was a lender of fish. And
for the season it was Holy Week,
i,e, last week of Lent. Then it
goes on ** Have you ordered your
Oood Pridaf/s Dinner f If not,
do so at once/' Excellent and most
timdv advice, seeing it was given
on the Monday preoedinjg Gk>od
Friday. So far so good ; but then
comes ** a reason why " which appa-
rently quite upsets the kettlo of
fish. Here is the extract : —
<<HsTinr made contracts with a
number or the leading trawl and line
fishermen to take the whole of their
prime flih caught during Easter week,"
What <m earth i. the good of fidi " S^f^fSyi^jR!!! S?^, »
sons who have ordered it for the *• ' ^
previous Friday P That 's where the trouble is. The fishmonger is
at sea as wcJl as his good fishermen. If the advertisement hvi been
headed " Lent and Easter," then it would have been evident that
two different subjects were being dealt with, and '* both caught with
one fish," as Mrs. B. might say, adapting a proverb.
TEMPERATE TO INTEMPERATE.
FANATIC sophistries, I think.
To logic's limits will have shrunk.
When sealof s recognize that '* drink "
Is not identical with " drunk."
Dif^rencemaybeasgreatyousee,^^ j
'TwixtUandlasTouandMel ^OOQlf
WoKMwoiTit FOB WiTLKBs.— '* Drink, pretty creature, drink! "
186
PtJNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[ApHrii 20, 1895,
SOCIAL AGONIES.
Anmiaui Musieian (in a vfhiiper, to Mrs, Lyon Hvmim'i hOUr). '* Whkbx 'b mt 'Oillo f "
B^UUr {in dmUorian Umsi, to the room), " Signok WxKigMioiLLO ! "
THE NEW ENGLISH AET CLUB.
Thi other day I went to this exhiMtion of
lablime nutfterpiecei. I wasiabout to write
a few eomments, full of stranffe epithets and
fushinff praise, when a small gal oame in
with a ladT. The ohild spoke so freely that
I Daosed to listen. This was her oritioism.
"Oh, mother, what's that meant for? I
ean't see anything. Look at that lady I She's
got no faoe at all. Oh, look at that other!
She's fnnnier. What is she? A Spanish
danoerP Do all Spanish danoers have knobbly
faees like yon might make out of a potato?
What axe those people skatinff on f Is it
eottonwodlP Oh, mother, look there I What
an ugly
on her
rladyl
eheeksP
my's she pat all that red
Wliat's all that other red
thereP Is it another ladyP A ohnroh in
Yenioe P What Olympia where yon to^ me
two years ago P Oh, mother, it ean't be a
ohnroh I Unless it 's upside down, (hr per-
haps all the paints haye run into one another
like mine do. Oh, lookt There's a pioture
of a washstand. Is it an advertisement of a
furniture shopP Or is it meant for what
father oalls a slight wash in his water-edlour
drawinffsP What are those ladies danoing in
iheets lorP Is it sheets they 'ye got on P
Oh what a red faee that gentleman's got!
I don't think they jpaint yery prettf ladies or
gentlMnen here. Oh, mothor, look
Why it VOie'fiaimeat of all! Who in 1^«
twoladiei? Why are their oltvthet slippLa?
downP Why are their faees all erooked, and
their eyes sideways P Are they meant to be
pretty P I don*t Ihink they are. What do
you say it isP Meant to be painted <ni the
wall of a room P Is that why they look w
funnyP Why they look like Aunt Eutt.
when she's going to have a sea balh, and
* Here the little maiden was lod-
denly dragffed out of the room, and her ahiill
yoioe was neard no more. But her winged
words are not forgotten by
A GExmHXD Cbiuc.
AN EA8TEE 'OLIDAT.
{A Sisda Song, from (he BwrUaptt 0pm
" LiUU lAboral MajorUy," perfortMd at th
Thsairo Royal, St, Stephen's,)
Air—" Laxay, DrowsO^:'
When raily danoes the Easter sun.
And shelYed is eaoh bothersome Bill,
Then work and talk for a time are done,
And the lobbies are hushed and stilL
Lazily, lazily,
Drowsily, drowsily,
Home goes eyery one ;
Lazily, lazily.
Drowsily, drowsQy,
Under the April sun.
Old St. Stephen's oloees ;
Parliunent reposes,
LazQy, lazily.
Drowsily, drowsily.
Forty winks, or fun I
When the sunlight falls on the Heath^s
areen breast.
And blue are the ekies aboye.
Each seeks the rest that he ] oyes the best.
Or the sport he doth dhiefly loye.
Lazily, lazily, drowsily, drowsily,
Donkey riding 's fun I
LazQy, larily, drowsily, drowsily.
Dawdling under the sun I
HAXOomLT*8 eyelid oloses,
BiLFomi blandly dozes ;
Lazily, lazily, drowsily, drowsily.
Under the Easter sun I
L*tbolt!
Joggle and jolt I These mokes .
Eaoh flops like an empty saok
On the broad baok, shaggy as SheUand oolt
No donkey boy on thiir traek I
XJUUV, lUUV, UEVWMljr. '
Under an Easter sun I
Lotos- Land disdoses
No more bland reposes.
Lazily, lazily, drowsily, drowsily.
Dawdle they under the sun I
" That JjLBBT was often a bore I " sighs Wni.
GroanQ Abtt. '^Andsowas JoBl
To drive these donkeys demands small skilll
Would Westminster mokes were so I
Lazily, lasdly, drowsily, drowsQy !
EidiQs like this is fnni
LaiOy, lazily , dr owsily. drowsilTl
Ble&a us I Who wants to run r
' Appy ' Amnstead dozes I
Mokes are beds of roses 1
Lazily, lazily, drowsily, drowsQy,
Jog we— till holiday 's done I "
"Thk OBJBcnoir to Euclid" of which
we haye heard so mudh reoently is of yery
anoient standing, and is shared by nesrly
eyery sehodlboy.
PABiiAxnrEAST PnoyxBB.— There 's nsny
at thati I a sUp 'twizt the M.P. and the ** Wh^'M
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Apbil 20, 1896.
iWAIf/*t
AN EASTER 'OLIDAY.
Duet CAxooxrxT and Hibthub tmg wkUe hwng foUedi.
«• LA-A-ZI-LT LA-A-ZI-LT I DROW-OW-OW-SILT I DR0W-0W-0W-8ILT I " &c.
Google
Digitized byVnOOQlC
Arm 20, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
189
MR. PUNCH ATA PICTURE SHOW.
(The CMUdvm cf Sir J^hn Tenmel's
Drawings ai the Fine AH SoeieH^s
Gallery,)
Am,— " Jfy Old Friend John.''
'Tm forty yean, my dear Sir John,
Since yon and I first met
Lord, how the fleeting honrs haye
flown I
But we fore^ther yet [pride—
I iraze on this brave show with
Fine art. still in full feather I
By Joye, it seems bat yesterday
Since we were '* boys " togeuer.
Since we were boys, merry, merry
At onr old Board together I [boys.
There 's gladness in remembrance,
John;
Yonr pencil-strokes stnick tme ;
Through all the shifts of party life.
No pause that pencil knew.
We 'ye missed old comrades one by
one;
Our friendship moults no feather ;
Can forty year« and more haye run
Since we were •*boys" togetherh
Since we were boys, merry, merry
At our old Board togetherl [boys,
I raze and proudly ponder, John ;
rye seen them all before—
GL4D8I0NI, Bbioht, Dizzt, Bull!
-WeUdonelil
Fresh as in days of yore
The Big Cuts gleam. By sea and
stream,
Moer^mountain, ice-field, heather.
Force, grace, fair fun mark all
you Ve done.
Since we were '*boys" together.
Chorus all ''JRound the Mahogany
Tree.*'
Since we were boys, merry, merry
So meetwe, in full feather, [boys!
For many sunny years, Sir John,
Still boys - at heart— together I
FANCY PORTRAIT.
SIR a.Bos L-w-a
' Bold of yottk wosthinxss, ws sinolb tou
As OVB BIST-lCOyillO FAIB SOUOITOB."
Love's Labour's Lost, Act II., Sc. 1.
THE LAY OF THE LriTLE
MIHORmr.
Ant— << LUtle BuU$mip."
I'x bumptious Minority — cooky
Minority
(Though I can hardly tell why),
My worK is to worry poor weury
Majority,
Giying him one in the eye.
On Board or on Council I swagger
and bounce '11,
And badger 'em out of their Uyes.
ITdaim all the graces, and all the
best places;
Thus cocky Minority thriyes I
Minorities Uttle of daim haye no
tittle
To getting ^Atftir own wicked way ;
But cooky Minority has such au-
thority,
His should be absolute sway.
If things are at eyens at— well,
say St Stephen's,
Spring Gardens, whereyer you
'Tis a mere deadlock (like New
Woman wedlock).
And against Progress we strike.
If a Majority (small) claims autho-
To make tine tiniest moye, [rity
Then to preyent it, obstruct, dr-
onmyent it.
Must be my labour of loye.
But a Ifinority's superiority
Is just as dear as the day.
Majorities (small) haye one duty,
that 'sail,
'Tis- to let the Minority sway !
Then yield to Minority — cooky
Minority,
On Boards or of Goundl or School!
Hooray for Minority— bumptious
Minority!
Gome— let Minority rule !
OUR NEXT LITTLE BATTLE.
{From our Prophetie lUporter, a trifle
inadvanee,)
NowHAK, April 1.— Wett Eiyer crossed
yesterday in most brilliant style. Dashaway
Regiment carried landing at point of bayonet,
the Maffs keeping up
weU-direotedfire during
the entire operation.
Howeyer, they seemed
to fed eneotol our artil-
lei y a nd Maxims.
When landing ef-
fected, SappingMiners
ojustructed iron bridge
(with glass coyering to
protect the troops from
the rain) within fiye-
and - twenty minutes.
During the construction
Muffs fired oontinuoudy
at working parties. Flag-staffs riddled with
shot, consequently colours could not be run
up. A round from couple of quidc-firing
guns deared heights of human obstructions.
On comjdetion of bridge, two troops of 147th
Irr^ular Pranoers duurged enemy with much
dash. As gallant horiemen approadied
Muffs (numbering about twenty thousand)
concentrated their fire. For few minutes
Irregulars had to pass through perfect fog
of bullets. This ordeal did not damp their
courage; soon came to dose quarters with
foe. In a moment Muffs were in confusioii,
flyingj before pursuing salves. Inregalart
followed retreating enemy for many miltM
with complete success.
While these operations being carried out
17th Battalion of Cutandthrnst Regiment
made assault on fortress protecting right
flank of Muffs. Enemy opposed charge with
wdl-sustained artillery fire, wMch had it been
more judidoudy directed might haye caused
C(mdderable annoyance. As it was, many
Cutandthrusts lowered their heads to allow
of undisturbed passage of shrapn^ On
readiing walls redcoats hopped oyer like
birds. GFarrison stubbornly defended pod-,
lion. Cutandthrusts extenaed, adyancing in
thdr new formation. With wild dieeriuiey
again charged. Although this adyanoe caused
Muffs to fall back, they still retained thdr
£ round. At this moment machine-Runs of
littalion were brought into iday with best
results. A couple of rounds immediately
broke up enemy s columns and put them to
flight Muffs were then routed by 53rd Regi-
ment of Indian I^er Eaters.
By midday podtion secured. At inyitaticm
of bugles exubring party " ceased firing,"
and prepared for mess.
Later.— 1 haye just recdyed a tetum of
killed and wounded on both ddes,' which I
here giye :—Jfu^5.— Killed, about 20.000;
wounded, twice as many more. British.—
EUled, none; wounded. No. 35,604,821
Private SioxH (Cutandthrnst Regiment),
slight soratdi on fourth finger of left nand.
New Nm tob It {hy Brother Bung).—
LMMlHop-shunl
ALL THE DIPPEEENCE.
If half the things that Chlov says to me,
If half the pret^ kindnesses she shows,
By PjiTLLiDA were shown or
said.
Without a tremor I would stake
iny head
Tbat I seourdy might propose
Tnat she my bride would be.
YetwhyP I know full wdl that
Ghlob means
Nothing at all. 'Tis but her
buoyant way,
Her frank'*Thebest of friends,
that's ad."
And yet the stricter Grundt
'twould appal
To hear the tender things we
say j(
Between our quarrel-scenes.
If one f ull-leapinf puWs beat
Bejond the oddest oourtpsy's demand
1 trespass on sweet Phtixida's coy hand,
The thrul is sbiy»red by her quick retreat.
Her fingers stiffen like a fossu fin.
And I again, a Sistpstts, begin
The task of charmine her reserye aqs*^er(»,
Palded by Loye's false tear.
Which driyes the loyer's chances down to
sera.
While Siuie cadayerous and long-chinn'd
hero
Talks from a height rais'd by his own concdt,
And my white goddess listens at his feet
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVARL
[April SO, 189S.
Afbil SQp 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVASL
191
LINES IN PLEASANT PLAGES.
THB LAND W DBBAMS.
Thsrb 'b a wondrous fairy kingdom
Whitiier all mair take a trip—
Quite an inexpensiye ionmey,
It is not l>y rail or soip—
For it Hes lost where yon fancy,
And a pleasant thing it seems
For a man to sojonm sometimes '
In .the. land of dreams.
'Tis the land where man attaineth
To the end ol his desire,
Where the minor poet warhles
And tiie laurel crowns his lyre :
It'is there the snddng statesman
Works out Maohiayellian schemes,
And young Bbuflbss is a leader
In the land of dreams.
'Us the land of fur and feather,
"Hs the paradise of sport,
Where tiie runs heat aU recounted
O'er the walnuts and the port :
It is there the pheasant rockets.
It is there the covert teems.
And your powder 's always straightest
In the land^of dreams.
There with ease the patient golfer
PlaTS a record medal-round.
And the hatsman get his hundred.
Hitting dean all round the ground ;
There old Izaak's keen disciple
Thrashes quite ideal streams.
For he anglM most " compleatly "
Li the land of dreams.
'Tis a land where someone meets you
You may never meet elsewhere,
Tis a land where words are whispered '
You may whisper only there ;
'Us the home ef youth and sunshine
Where you taste of joy's extremes,
For, of course, there 's someone lores you
Jjk the land of dreams.
'TIS a land of peace and quiet.
Free from yelling paper-boys.
And from Gormany's musicians.
And off ensiye kinds of noise :
There the organ-grinder grinds not.
There no, restive infant screams.
Oh, to spend one's whole existence
m the land of dreams I
'lis a land where rates and taxes
Never need he brooded on.
And the cupboard is unfurnished
W^ith the homely skeleton :
There the roses all are thomless.
Life is destitute of seams.
And, in short, its worth the living
In the land of dreams.
TO A PRETTY GIRL.
( Who aceepUd $ome ver$ei,)
Yoir take my lines, and say that yon
Af>preciate my humble verses.
That 's more than edi-
tors will do.
Or publishers, with
f bloated purser.
To gain your thaoks
in sneh a way,
I 'd write you verses
night and day.
You don't return
them, saying you
Regret you cannot
nowacceptthem.
Or. serawled with marks*in blatant blue.
To show that, mined* vou have kept tnem.
If Tou would pay me withXsmile, ^
I'a write you wsea by the mile.
First Boy. **Giv« vs A Bite op toub Applx, Bob." Second Boy. "Shan't.'
First Boy, " What fos f " Second Boy. " 'Cos txb axed mx 1 "
{After a pause.)
Small Boy. "Gi* MB A Brrx, Bob. I kbvxb azxd yxbI"
If you could only say that vou
Would like me for my a&iiration.
To sbg your charms till all was blue
Would be delightful occupation.
If 1 could hope to win a kiss,
I *d write you iitty miles like this.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Extraotbd from thb Diabt of Tobt, M.P.
Souse of Commons^ Monday Nighty
April 8. — House to-night presented that
appearance seen only on Dig occasions.
Lcmg unfamiliar in slough of despond in
which present House been steeped since
Session opened. Every seat on either side
occupied. Members sittiuff on Gangway
steps, flooding the side galleries, blocking
the Mr, peopling even the steps of the Chair.
AsxHiTB rEtL is leaving historic stage graced
through eleven years in fashion that has
addea freah fame to an illustrious name.
On ordinary occasions idien Spbakeb rises
to address House on current topics of busi-
ness. Members who ohanoe to have their hats
on keep them there. Now, when the stately
figure is discovered standing uudei the
canopy of the Chair, Members without con-
cert, out with one accord, bare their heads.
Throughout a moving scene, which crammed
much into fifteen minutes, nothing more
striking than this umultaneous, swift un-
ooverioff of the head, and the transfi rmation
tbat foQowed when the rare sunlight, stream-
iug ia from western windows, fell upon ^\e
hundred unshaded faces all turned towards
the tall, gowned figure standing by the
Chair.
The speech will be read to-morrow by
millions, who will find it word for word and
sentence by sentence in the newspapers.
But the r«der will ffain but faint idea of
the impression the delivery produced. The
historic place, the animated scene, the elec-
tric cifrrent of such a gathering, were much.
The effect was perfected by the elocution of
the Speaker, perhaps the most perfect de-
velopment of an attractive but dangerous art
possessed by living man.
What poiwibiUties underlie its possession
were wonderingly recognised in the last
days of the late Parliament, when the di-
rectors of the Cambrian Railway Company
were brought to the Bar of the House in
connection with the dismissal of a station-
master who had given unwelcome evidence
before a Select Committee. House in the
ludicrous pickle which invariably follows
on Privilege proceedings. Directors sum-
moned to attend were somewhere in the
lobby. If it had^been permissible to follow
192
PUNCH. OK THE LONDON OHARTVART.
TAfbil 30, ISM.
Doghmri^s examnle in nmilar oironnutanoes— to
take no note of aiTeeton, bat let them go and pre-
sently oall the rest of the wateh togiether, and
thank God ther were rid of the knaTes— it would
have been welL But, direetors beinflr solemnly
summoned, must needs be adeqnatdy dealt with.
Finally resolved that Spbaxxb should admoDiih
them. Amid mnoh giirgling on part of hysterically
nneafly Hoose, oonsoioas of its own Indioroos
position, dLreotors brought in and ranged at Bar.
Then Spbakse stood i^> and **most serioosly ad-
monished " them.
No one present will forget the awesome mien,
the terrible Toioe, with which the task was per-
formed. At a touoh f aroe was transformed into
tragedy. Dignity of House, sorelv imperilled,
triumphantly Tindirated. To-nijght the 8pba.kse'8
phrasing was perf eot Its setting in the deliyery
IS untrantlateable in speech or written word.
Btmness done,— Bwskeir announoeH resignation.
Squibb of Malwood brings in LocaI Veto BilL
2Wfc<0v.— ** Poof I " said SjlBK, mopping his
brow: ** glad that 's oyer. No knowing where it
might have ended. Ban^ of last scene in Sfbaxbb's
l^ye-taking dosing amid burst of irritated laughter.
When I was first retume^ we thought two leaders
enough for one House. There was the Goyemment
man on the Treasury Bench, the Leader of Opposi-
ticm on bench opposite. When ceremonial business
to be done, these two spoke and the whole House
agreed tha^> its opinions had found expressbn.
House rapidly growing into portion akin to home
forces of Prince of Moitaco. Nearly as many cap-
tains as priyates."
These remarks wrung from troubled breast by
long, at one anxious moment apparently intermin-
able, procession of orators in support of resolution
thinking retiring Spbaisr for seryicea in Chair.
Squibb of Malwood said right thing in admirable
way. Pbdtob Abthub, le««« ornate in phrase, sup-
plied a perfect second. These speeches yoiced feeling of Minis-
terialists and Opposition. Some reasonableness in Jusror McGab-
THT*8 interposition, he being leader of distinct parly which, as he
hinted, had in earlier days done battle with Spbakkb. But really,
Farewell to Mr. Speaker FeeL
when it came to Joskph saying a few words for bit
merry men, and JoHir Bbditobd tuning afresh iSta
Irish harp on behalf of his, proepeet giew alsrminf .
If these leaders of sections within a divisioa ielt
called upon to make speeches on such oooaaon, why
not JoHV BuBHS as a Labour Leader, with Km
Habsib to follow as captain of the Independent
Labour Partr; Osbobvb MoBeAV, purged of pio-
fiigaey, speakuut for Wales, followed ny Llotd-
Gbobox from bebw the Gangway ; Wilfbib Law-
80ir for the Temperance party ; Priy&te Hakbukt
as representing the land forces of the Busy B's;
Cap'en Toiocr Bowlxs the nayal ; Jacob Bbight
Kftuming thanks for the ladiaa, WaLtkb M'LiBiv
speaking specially for the section who dewre to
marry their deceased husband's brother? l)ome«-
tioity thus trenched upon, Baron db Wobms, with
wistful •• LonrLoet-Dear-Father " look on his faoe,
might dose the list by a few words spoken on behalf
of the family circle.
To-day stopped a little short of this; but ihill
doubtless go the whole way next time opportnnitj
presents itself. Buiinest cbfM.— Thanks o! Hoon
yofed to Sfbaxbb.
Wednesday.— ^j contrast wifli ordered rpeeeh-
making of yesterday afternoon scene that took plsoe
in earUest moments of the new day's birth prettier
by far. For upwards of an hour Members passinr
out homewards stopped to shake the Spbaxbb^s hand
and bid him f arowdl. Just beforo quarter of hoar
chimed af t«r midnight, Abthub Pxbl spoke his>st
words in House of Conunons.
*' The question is," he said, ** that thislHoose do
now adjourn."
As he turned to leaye the Chair, Members p resent
sprang to feet, cheering continuously tiU Abthui
Pbbl, for the last time robed in Speaker's wig.snd
gown, passed out of sight.
For Loehaber no more, Lochaber no more.
We 'U maybe retam to Lodiaber no more.
Le roi est moH. Vive le rot. William Ooubt Gully elected
Speaker by majorib^ of 11 in House of 559 Members.
Btumfii <ion«.— Elect new ^^waker, and immediately giye him ten
days* holiday. Adj >nm tall Monday 22iid.
A STUDY IN ETHNOLOGY.
IJpoir my luck I still reflect.
That led us to the same Museum :
I greeted you with staid respect.
But my heart sang its own Te Deum^
And blessed your Uncle, ere I wist,
For being an ethnologist I
On old Assyrian spoils intent.
Our yery preseaoe he forgot,
While we o*er strings of wampum bent—
We saw them and we saw them not.
He Uyed within a past long dead.
We, in the seconds aft they sped.
Within a caryen mirror old.
Suddenly, as we wandered by.
You lodced upon your hair of rold
And flushing face, and so did I.
Thenon wepassfd: a.yault we found.
And Phabaoh's coffin, underground.
Oh. if his pl^antom oyer stood
Beside the coffin made for him.
And saw you in your joyous mood.
With your bright eyes and fi^uro s)im,
Einjgr Phabaoh might haye enyied us
Beside his old sarcophagus I
But, Phabaoh, w$, remembering
The ancient creed that souls of men
May see the summer and the spring.
May liye again, and loye again,
A moment wished the tale wero true,
Because— it seemed so hard on you I
WaBTBD m THB WOBLB OF "AhT."— A
Spring Clean!
TO A YOUNG ACTRESS.
You regret that all you do
I<« to be a lady who
Just walks on— a smile or two.
Then you 'ro gone ;
For you thiiik that any gawk
Would be good enough to walk.
You undoubtedly should talk
When you're "on."
You aro but a smrt of show.
Silence lor a girl is slow.
Speech is woman's right, I know
That is true,
And although your pretty face
Charms beholders bj its grace.
You would like a higher idaoe.
Wouldn't you P
But we cannot all haye *' leads,"
Nicely suited to our needs.
To excel in words and deeds,
Don*t you see ?
So, if you desire to speak,
I am not so far to seek,
I would listen ixa a week-
Talk to me.
SoMETHnro Yet I—*' Mr. G." is aprofieient
in seyeral languages. In Italian, aswdlii
in Latif>, in ancient and modem Greek, he
can, we beKeye, conyerM flu«^tly, when any-
one giyes him a chance. With Bossian he
may DC acauainted. for, as this is *'caYiare to
the general." it n^ay be fqnally so to an ez-
prime-minister. With Spanidi Mr. G. iii
probably, not on speaking terms, though, no
doubt he is well up in the niceties of the Isn-
fniage ; and thero are many spoken langosges
of which he possejcsesmoro than a smattering.
But the accomplished scholar has yet some-
thing toleamfromone Richabd Cumberlavd,
a bishop in the last century, not the play-
wright, of whom it is on record that, being s
pronoient in most ancient and modem lan-
guages, he*'began to learn Coptic at the sge
of eighty-three I" Although Mr. G. hii
gone yery far north, yet has he not at present
got up to CUMBBBLAirD.
A SuGOwnoK.— Thero aro two excellent
waters, ApolHnaris and Johannis, known to
eyerycme as •* 'Polly" and "Jo." Might
not the two companies amalgamate, and
reproduce the success of ^^ My * Fol* and
my Partner ' Jo^'
LaXBOT EuUiyALKFT BOB "tHB EaST
Wdtd," as BspLBNiBKinDrr fob Husw
Stomacxb.— The Boyai GommiseiMi on the
Aged xOOr«.c;u uy '^^_*''%_>^ ^"-^*.*r^ i.^'hi-
April 27, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKTVARI.
193
CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.
{For the Use of Schools,)
EXAJfPLB I.^^Amaiu a-uqitid."
THE LATEST CEAZE.
(A DramaHe Study q^ Caua$ tmd ^ffecL)
ScEiQB — Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre,
Enter AiresLiNA and her people.
Paterfamilias, Well, now that we are here, I hope you are ntisfted.
As for myself, I hate these prohlem plavs.
MaterfamiUas. They are entirely the Yogue just now, and we
mnat spe them. What OTeryhody does we mant do.
Angelina, So I told Enwnr— I should say, Mr. Doirux— when he
eompfained of oar goinsr.
Matfr, Of eoorse. We have to follow the fashion.
Pater* Hnah I You most not talk any more, see the oortain has
(^ve mtntttes pass,)
Fursi Hermne (on the stage). And so, my dear, my marriage was an
utter failure. The mcmotony of the life was terrihle. My husband
anticipated m]r every wisL The tameness was too awful for words,
and so I left him. [Loud applause.
Mater, (to her husband). Ah, I never left you, Richabd I
Pater, (to his wife). Nor 1 you, Bbidgxt I
Angelina (aside), I suppose married life must be yery wearisome.
(Ten nunutes pass,)
Second Heroine (on the stage). And now I will tell you the secret
of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required
— ^fine dothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents
were insults in disguise, and I left him. [Loud applause.
Pater, I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts,
BbidorP
Mater, Indeed you did not, Richabd. In fact, I think you carried
your abstention too far.
Pater. Not at alL See, after these many years, we are devoted to
one another I
AnaeUna (aside). Failure of Marriage Number Two ! Weddings
eeem to be mistake!
(Two hours pass,)
Third' Herovue, I tellyou, my Lofd Bishop, that I have never
regretted leaving you. Twenty years a^ you were a young curate,
and you spoUt our married lif e^ jrour mdulgenoe. You let me have
everything I wanted. No. my Lord, I will hear no nunre.
Angelina (tuide). Another matrimonial failure I I really must
have a good think over it.
Pater, (to Mater.). WelL I hope you are satisfied!
Mater, (to Pater.), Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm
it^oan do to anyone.
(An hour ptisses,) '
Angelina (writing m her own room), ** Dear Bdwdt, I call you by
your christian name, for the last time. I can never be vours. I am
conviDoed from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sin-
cerely yours, AKOBLnfA.'* [Scene closes in upon a flood of tears.
HEXAMETERS TO DATE ; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP.
rif r. Fldtdb&s Pbtrib hae jmt exeavated the city of Ombi on the Nile,
•na yindioated Jutbnal's geographieal reputation.]
EooE novi ^st aUqwid (ner Fltndebs Pbtrib Magistrum)
Ex Africd semper I ftuite like some arch-humourist rum,
Playinff with tombs and skuUs, he unearths fresh funny surprises,
Soandus of Athor*s *' past," or long-veiied secrets of Isis.
Now this gravedigger- FotutA;. this Egypt's newABBBCROMBT,
Scores yet another conquest— he *s found out Juvxval's OmM,
Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will
See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel},
Hius'they lived some ages b.g. (in the thirtieth oent'ry).
Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry.
Buried a la trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair ro«e ;
These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the Phabaohs
Dig tiien, Pbtbdc. away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders,
Ddve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom oi
FldtdebsI
OUR BOOKING-OFPICE,
Hbabtt congratula-
tions from the Baron and
his assistants to Mr. H.
W. Lttct on his ddight-
ful life of Mr. Gladstonb
(W. H. Allbn & Co).
No one certainly has had
better opportumties than
ToBT, M.F., for studying
the great statesman in
all ms varying moods:
and it may be af&rmed
with equal certainty that
no other man (or dog)
could have used his op-
portunities to neater
advantage for the oenefit
of the public. There are
in this little volume a
tone of easy yet scholarly
courtesy, a fine lite-
rary touch, and a mar-
▼ellous power of con-
densing details into one
vividly descriptive sen-
tence. It is an admirable
piece of work, which,
seemg that it only costs
a shilling, ought to be
sure of a popularity
fullv equal to its high
merits.
"Bravo Toby! "says
The BjlBOIt de Book-Wobms.,
Chakob of Dbsobiptivb Ttflk.— In the Egyptian explorations,
the results of which, so far, have been recently ffiven in Professor
Pbtbib's lecture, reported in the Times of Thursday, April 18, the
lecturer tells us how be was accompanied in his researches by
Mr. Qbxffell, **The Craven Fdlow." How doubly plucky ca
Profeesor Pbtbib to proceed with such a companion so extraordi-
narily timnrous as is expressed in such a sobriquet as *' The Craven
Fellow." However, he belied his name by showing such pluck and
perseverance in rendering assistance to the Professor as will^entitle
him to explain himself as ** Late the Craven Fellow,'Vbut now '* the
C. F., or Courageous FeUow." ^yu^cu uy ^^ ^ ^^ ..^
WJ4^JH" a>i *jm
VOL. CVTTT.
194
PUNCH. OR THB LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Apbil 27, 189S.
Digitized by
Google
Apbo. 37, 1896.]
PUNCH, OB THB LONDON OHASiyARL
196
SCORCHING.
Fint CawUrymmn {to thiird-rate JnuUemr Joek, whott momU ieon't have <A« flme$). " Now thxh, shots 'm at it Aonr, Mutbb I
Whoi du(ob> xr Oi wouldn't tmtr that 'bbb uttlb Placb wi' a Jaokam t "
Second Cotmtryman. "Maybe tkb womD, ma Lad ; but tbb sbb that 'xbb 'Oas don't sxxk to oabb about JuKPiNa irt A
Jackass I "
THE JAP IN THE CHIHA SHOP ; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME"
[*' China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for mankind. . . .
The true conquest effected by the war is the conquest of the ri^ht to a
market, and that apparently on an enormous scale.**
*' DaUjf Imot " on tK$ terms of Feaee betwom China and Japan,']
Little Jap loquUur ;—
Comb, wake up, old obap I I 'm the fl^>-aliead Jap.
Open Sesame / Yes, that's the word, John !
Inyoiur den yon would stop, or e'en shut up voiir shop,
Your prooeedings are highly absnrd, John I
Spite Tonr hoonoe and yonr boast, I haye got yon on toast,
Ana thereby, friend John, hangs a hif tale.
When your caroase I 'd wake, I haye only to take
A sailor's round turn at your pigtail I
Your notion of shopkeeping 's shutter and key.
Sinoe you don't know their use, hand 'em oyer to Me !
For thousands of years your pride and your fears
Haye muddled your market completely.
Ah I would you, dd slug K But a twist and a tug
Bring you up to your Dearings most sweetly.
'Tis no use to kick I You willnaye to moye slidk.
Now you 'ye got in the hands of Young Jappy ;
Don't you get in a scare for your orockery ware.
Bouse up. open shop, and be happy I
Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, Mdle-de-dee I
Throw open jrour markets, and leaye it to Me !
For eyer so long you 'ye been going all wrong.
Your Empire is under a shsdow ;
But well opened up, by shipe. railways, and Erttpp,
It will turn out a true El Dorado.
DcnH fly to your door I Eh ? your pigtail is sore ?
You think me a oooky inyader ?
Why you'll find in the end I 'm your yery best friend.
When I force you to be a free trader.
Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee I
Take down all your shutters, and hand me the key I
For my use alone? you inquire with a man.
Oh, dear I you mutt be an dd dufferl
Excuse me this wink,— but what do you tiiink ?
Do you hold *' Outside Deyils " will suffer
The flowery Land to be looked by my hand.
Any more than by yours, in their nu)es ?
Fig-headed old Fistail, I fancy I know
How to get into Europe's good graces.
So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee I
Throw open your market, and hand me the key !
"STRANGE DISAPPEAEANCES."
Thb four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deeerted
inn. Iliey were forced to enter into conyersation, because the
solitary periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from titie
to imprint by everyone of them.
** A strange artide," said the first, as he laid down the Lancet.
*' And so men disappear entirdy for awhile, and then eome back to
their homes and profession as if nothing had happened."
** Extraordinary," murmured the second. ''^I see that the sden-
tific publication you haye just rdinquidied suggests that the cause
of these hurried exits partake of the nature of iK)st-epUeptic pheno-
" And then the talk went on. The four sorangers dined
together, supped togeth^ and cm the following morning partodc in
company of breakfast The waiter, at about deyeno'dook, presented
each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, ana was full
of figures. A weird lode appeared on their faces.
''We must moye on," said one of the quartette; "but as the
staircase is steep, let us descend by the window."
The no-kmger-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and
gentij sliding down a rope, were soon onit of the inn. They waUced
togetner for about a quarter of a mue, and then coming to nmr
cross-roads, scattered.
** Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once againfound
himsdf alone. *'Theirdisappearanoe is most strange. lammdined
to agree with the Xaiu!«<, 'that the phenomenon remains striking and
mysterious, interesting in its psydidogical aspect, but in its concrete
form full of praotical and medioo-legal difficulties ; ' and,bdieTin|
this, I must write to the proper authmties." And he sat down and
composed two letters. One he addressed to the Fresident of the Boyal
College of Fhysieians, and the other to the Editor of Hue and Cry.
196
PUNOH, OR THB l40NIX)N CHARIVARI.
[April 27, 1895.
BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
Bt Dunno Wahsias^
{Tnuulaiedflrom the ori^imal Lafjpiah by Mr. Pimm's cwn fffperborean Bnth^tiicut,)
No. IL~Thi Illurbioub
STKAireEB.
Thb nky was darkaoed by
swart Inrds, with tufted tails,
and a look in their day-col-
oored eyes as of millions of
stifled eroaks ; tiie rain fell in
grizzled sheets like the stream-
mg hair and beard of some
Titanic Innatio, and the thun-
der boomed orer the town as if
it had just disoorered another
epooh-making noveL
Night fell; I lit my lamp
and dosed the shatters, drew
my oortains, so as to shut oat
any gleaminjr oats' eyes that
might bepeenng at me throagh
the ehinks, and mixed myself
a tumbler of hot panch.
As I finished it, a wild pierc-
ing shriek rose from the nni-
yerse, as thoagh someone had
ran a pin into the Qreat Un-
known, and a shining bloe-
white ball came down the
ohimnejr and bamt a hole in
the yellow-green gloom of my
I looked ap ; a strange man
was sitting right in fiont of
me. His crested hair had* a
blae-white gleam, like the
electric light in a moontahi
hntel when the storm is nearly
ended; it stuck oat in a spiral
fringe round his cheeks and
chin; his mouth was prim like
a jpurse; but his spectacles
twinkled with laughter like
the new ferrale on a gingham
umbrella.
**I am the Shaker of So-
ciety's Pillars, I have disco-
Tered that the Tree of Know-
ledge of Good and Evil bears
nothing but rotten apples.
There arel milestones on the
Bergen road— but I can see
throngh most of them. I am the New Generation knocking at the
'* I iancy I must hmye dropped off to Kleep."
old 8ta^[e-docr. I sm slso tiu
Dramatiser of Sodsl Comm-
drums to which there will
never be any answer."
Time iMuised— a seoond or in
hour. J began to'widi \a
would go.
«'I am the neat Wiaid
that has ennoUea and pmrififid
Hamanity by showing tfast
they are lul the morbid yistiBi
of a diseased heredity. Ths
great fire at Christiaiua wis
not the fire in which Mn. 8ol-
ne$t^s nine dolls were bmnt
I am he who has emandpsted
Woman by canTincing h«r
that she has the rigki to be
hystericaL"
Again time passed— an hour
or a second, i fancnr I mut
have dropped off to sleep.
" I am he who has Droken
through the oouYentioiiB d
the well-construoted drsoi.
When we lived at Dicntheim,
Bkbhick's gander was stola
bj tinkers. I am tiie origmil
eld, and also the chikl who
instructs the grandmotheily
critic in the art of snckinK
problematic em ; bat I, too,
am a master- ooilder of msg-
nificent bathos."
And again time passed-t
second or an hour. I woo-
d«ed whether he had come to
stay the night.
'^ReadTl am called *dii-
matic'; acted, I am csUed
' imnoesible.' "
with that the code crew.
The stranger had flown befen
I had an opportanity of tak-
ing him his name or aikmg
him to look in again eome
evening.
I was rather sorry, for lie
seemed to have a flow of sfTfi^
able small talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic
THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MBGUM.
Queftian. Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps?
AnMter. With the intention of strengthening our national defences.
Q. Then you think such a proceeding patriotic f
A, Not only patriotic, but necessary.
Q. Ton probably have some recollection
of tne French collapse in 1870-71 P
A. Tes ; but I nave been chiefly influ-
enced by eoniiderations of a mathematical
character.
Q. Make your meaning plainer.
A, I mean that it stands to reason thatas
onl^ a small percentage of our people are
trained to arms, and niaety-siz per cent, of
our neighbours are converted into soldiers,
the latter, in the case of a qaarrel with us,
would have the upper hand.
Q. And yoa thii^ a quairel entailing tiie
arbitratioa of the sword might be sprang
upon us at any moment Y
A. Precisely ; that is entirely my opinion.
Q. And, consequentiy, yoa take a serious view of Yolnnteermg P
A, Assuredly, or I wotud not give up most of my leisure time to
master drill in all its branches.
Q. Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform
rfaVolanteerP
^. No ; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long ran
causes considerable expense, and the commission' ot an officer is in-
•leparabie from large expenAture and a loss of self-respect.
Q. Why IS the holding of a commission of a Volu^tfecr offiser
'* iiiseparable from a hm of self-respect " P
A Becau e, in the general estimation, the holder of a oommiMka
in the Volanteers is worthy of ridicale. pity, or oontempt.
Q. Can you give the reason for this impression P
A. It is pn^ble that it has been createdby the ooasideratian JhMt
a Yolanteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his enanieit
and mulcted of much money by his comrades.
Q. Then a Volunteer officer or private usoally joina the loroe from
the most patriotic of motives P
A. Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their eon-
mandin^ officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repeUinff t
foreign mvasion.
Q. And this bein^ so, they do not wish to q>end throe or fonrdsyi
of training in practisinff '* marches past*' and other manoeuvres of t
more or U ss ornamental character P
A. Qaiteso; not even when the practice terminates with a rerisv
in a royal park, and a salate performed to the strains of the NatioBil
Anthem.
Q. Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raiee showP
A. Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday.
Q. And if you are told that tiiis is the sort of thing that tbe
Volanteers want, what do you reply P
A, Nonsense.
Q, And if it were added that more serious work would be vn-
popalar, what would be your suggestion P
A. Tiy and see. .
MxM. FOB Vbtoists.— It is the question^ ^tigd*'hoaseswfci«k
makes the compensation question so knotty. o
April 27, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
197
RAILWAY BALLADS.
I.— THB EXPRESS TRAIN.
A 0RT7ES0ME tale I tell of the
Wett-Eastern Railway Gompanee.
*• Its virtues few, its faults a score" —
(I quote the yiew held heretofore).
The ohief among its faults, you see,
Is sad unpunotualitee.
Now, gentles all, list what bef el
AuovBTUS Hall, of CamberwelL
The Fates were stem, the world unkind ;
And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.
Che sard^ sard I Think how sad I
His evil star it drove him mad !
** If life has no more joy to give,"
Qnoth he, '* I 'U go and cease to live.
Nor yet delay an hour to dine,
But straightway lay me on the line.
*' The train now due will end distress—
So haste tjiee, Two o'dook Express I "
With that he 'd gone, nor stayed to snack ;
But climbed upon the railway-track.
He waited now two hours— not less ;
And yet, I vow, came no express !
And he had nought his pangs to ease.
He wished he 'd brought s6me bread and
cheese.
He had to fast. He fain would sup.
The hours flew past. He sate him up.
** *Tis strangely late. I should not mind—
I 'd gladly wait— if I had dined.
*' If I 'd a joint that I could carve,
I 'd strain a point ; but here to starve ! !
May I be hung if e'er I see
Suoh gross unpunotualitee !
** No gentleman can now depend
On any plan to plan his end."
Twelve hours or more he waited thus.
''A train?" he swore; '' tji omnibiu !
** It tarries yet aU through the night,
And helps to whet my appetite ! "
His hunger grew inside Ms chest ;
With nought to chew, he was— n#fi est.
Two days pass by^ and then we find
The train draw nijrh, three days behind!
Directors sigh, deplore, and frown ;
And fine the driver half-a-crown.
" But had I been on time," Jack said,
" Hall's death, I ween, were on my head."
*' Quite true, good Jack ! Our consdenoe
pricks.
We hand you back your two-and-six ! "
JEntm.
Now that is aU I have to tell
Of Mr. HALL,tof Camberwell.
THESE DULL TIMES.
Lady Owhion {always so agreeable), '*And thb maonifioxnt Pioturcs tott had hsrb
LAST TBAB, — HAVX YOU GOT THBM ALL STILL?"
• Mr, Flake JFhyte (sadly), " Tss ; I havx thbm all."
Lady Ghuhton, " How vxst niob 1 It is so hard to pabt with onb's
18 it hot!"
Mr. Flake WhyU {with much Reeling), ** Awffllt, awfully habd I
POSSIBLB 1 "
OWN PlOTUKBS,
SOMITIICBS lie-
BOBEET AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS.
Bbowf and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We
has managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Gounsellers,
and werrv emusing we finds em to be. They sutlenly does manage
to quarreU amongeaoh other more than I shood have thort posserbeL
There *s a depperty Counseller among em who will
tork whenever he gets a hoppertunity, yes and keeps
the pot a biling, as Bbown says, for nearly arf a
nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a
cocked at, and so has to lit down, while the others
has ajolly larf.
Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Gonser-
wancy, and so we are offen hearing of their going
up the River, when there's two much water there,
and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a
lot of it away, but from what I hears they don*t
seem for to be werry suoksessfuL
Too 01^ three on em went to the Boat Race the other
day and took ever so many Ladies with em, and jolly
nioeidinners they had onbord after the Race was over and there wasn't
no more fear of no more rane; which luid^rayther spylt the morning.
■ ■1 . u - I . " i ' I i ■■ ■ ] ■ ■ V — 1». I , iV : > . . ■ > ,• 1 1 .1 ^ -, I —
It's reel good fun to hear the Gounsellers tork about the Coppera-
tion nowadays I such a difference to what it was about a year ago I
Then it was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your
pardon, and arsking your grace, and it shant occur a^ainl I never
thort tosee such a change, and it 's really werry emusing. The two
places where they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the
Court of Common Counsel and the Manshun House ; and in both of
these honnerd places the few as wenters in do look uncumferal
indeed ! and the reel natives don't show them no pitty I not a bit of
it, but takes a quiet larf whenever thev gits a good chance.
I 've herd as one of the CounseUers nav been herd to say as there
are no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em
quite equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it
was only beggarly jralousy as prewented them giving them a fare
(^anoel
The same honorable Qent has been herd to say that the County
Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copneration, for it was
only last Toosdav as they ajmed, without a word of remonsteranoe,
to raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates I
Iwunderifit'salltrewl RbssBtr.
Te8 Nliwtfr NutturtMi^-^The wonlaa with: ii
^oak
198
PUNCH, OB THB LONDON CHABIVABI.
[Afbil 27, 18W.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
"CoOT-NtOBT, Hla. PBOWN. I HAT TO BANK TOV VOK DX MOCT BUASAHT EHNIHO I HAT XFRK BOHBEMT IW XT LIFB I'
" Oh, don't 8AT.«9AT, HKBK SoHXIDT I " " AoH I BOT I OO sat DAT I I AtVATS SAT DAT I "
THB NEW CONDUCTOR.
[<<Tou h^re Keen elected br a majority of the Home. Toa are the
repreeentatiTe of the whole House.*'— J2irpor< of tK$ BUght Him, Arthur
Balfom*9 tpiseh on tA# Oeetim of Mr, GuUy at Speaks.]
Mr. Punch to Mr, Speaker.
Iy the Seoond Fiddle's wtisfied, you're all right with the First I
The Harp may heed your hdton^ and as for the Biff Drum,
When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorons bnrst.
That makes the whele pioeoeiiinm shake and hum ;
What matter if the clatter, and thebang and bump and batter.
Keep lyut time P
If they 're dodle to your nod, and obedient to your rod,
The New Conductor's post will be prime I
The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odd^
And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row ;
But, good gradonsl tiiere were shines sometimes among the Olym-
pian gods,
And the noisy ones look milk and honey now.
The brazen ana the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy.
For a while ;
Now there's calm at wings and middle, and eyen the first Fiddle .
Yeils his virtuous indignatbn with a smile :
The tutU did go wrong. aU tiie parts ai^peared at strife.
They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New ;
And Wh-tbs-d's tootling piccolo, and Wh-bi^v's wry-neck'd fife.
Went deddedlT a little Int aakew.
But, in spite of Umre and blether, they're now going well tog^^^er.
String and reecL
Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass
That the New Gooduetor's dilmt will succeed.
The Old Conductor's stjls was perfection, there 's no doubt,
Impossible to beat, and extremdy hard to follow ;
But the new one seems to know pretty well what he 's about
A Mercury eon nlay, thonrh no ApoUo.
So let us cheer all round, as ne makes his bow psdonnd I
Tap. tap, tap I
Go the iiddle-bowi, in pioof that, wnile weleome ahakei the roof.
The orchestra agree to cheer and dap I
Sir, that St Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to It ad :
Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,
Qreat was the &^^oft-widaer 'tis your fortune to suooecd ;
But tadde your big task. Sir, without fear I . j ,,
Punch trusts the name of Gullt on Fame*s roll will not ahine dully
At the end !
Now tone up string and bow, let the New Conductor know
That he finds in each performer a fair friend I
PARTY POLITICS.
Tes,
Firtt Man {eonciUatorp), You 're a Tory P
Second Man {aUo conctUatory). Well, no. I 'm a Unionist
a Unionist Certainly I don't approye of Home Rule
I^it Man. Don't say that 1 think well of Home Rale. , ,
Second Man. Oh, do you P Well, I agree with the Liberals in
some ways. , , « .
jFy>s< Man. Come to that in some ways I agree with the T(»iss.
Now take Disestablidmient
SeeondMan. Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the
Liberals.
Firtt Man. Well, you may be right But I ahould be a Tory if
tfaerr supported Home Rule. _.
SeeondMan. And I shoold be a Liberal if they didn't want Dis-
establishment
I^st Man. Now, CHAMBXBLAnr
Second Man. Ah, yes. CHAMBiBULOr
JPiretMan. He opposes Home Rule.
Second Man. He supports Disestablishment
[Ltift mtUuaUy abuemg Mr. CHAXBmLAiV.
FASmOlTABLB IVTKLLieBirGl. — ** The LOKD LlKUTMirAirT wu
present at Punchestown for the races. His Ezodlency and the house
party from the Yiceregal Lodge, which induded Tobt, ILP., met
with a hearhr reception." Naturally. If Tobt, ILP. was not made
welcome at PuncVe town, iriio should be P
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Aran. 27, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON QHARIVARI.
201
Egl
A'^^M^
^P^-\
A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.
TRADE BBTRATED.
Betum^ Anflo'Indian Colonel (to friend of
kU boyhood). Either your oUmate Ib colder than
it used to be, or your ooals throw out lees heat.
Whiohisitf
Mit Friend. Oh, it's the ooals. Bubhiahy
things, rather. Gome from Tomsk in Siberia.
R. A.'L C, Siberial They ought to be sent
there I But aren't English coals good enough f
Hie Friend, Oh, yes, they're good enough.
But then, yon see, the^ 're dear. That 's the
result of the last coal strike.
JB. A.'L a Oh, I heard about that at Ban-
galore. Then how about your razors ? I bought
one yesterday in the Strand. If you belieye me,
I 'ye only used it once and it 's blunt already.
Hie Friend. ** Made in Germany," no doubt.
The trade 's gone over there, they s^
JB. A.-L C. And boots, now. Why has the
pair I got in the City a month ago split open in
two places P
Hie Friend. That'% the late boo
strike. Cheap American goods have
ousted the genuine British artude.
R. A.-I. C. {meditatively). Ah—
heard of the boot strike too at Ban-
galore. But I didn't find my boot-
maker charged me any less than in
the old days for 'em. Tdl you what,
there 's only one thing that will saye
Bnriand.
Hie Friend. What's that?
R. A.-I. C. Why, a new kind
of strike altogether. Why shonldn*t
the strikers etrike etriking f Eh P
Hie Friend. Thatneyerstmdkme.
[ They part peneively.
MY PIPE.
I DO not now attempt to sing.
With laudatory phrases.
That now, in yerse, quite hadmeyed
thing.
Which poet, painter praises :
Beloytd byTuBirxB,C£AUDB,orCuTP,
The excellent tobacco-pipe.
Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,
Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy,
Or organ ones, because you might
Bead books on them, fnmi Mubib,
In yaried tongues, in yaried type—
On any sort d music pipe.
Nor, plagued of late howeyer mu<^
By Dronchial affections.
Do 1 propose just now to touch.
With medical reflectionB,
On what Jack Frost delights to
gripe.
My choking, wheezing, sore wind-
pipe.
Nor am I speaking now of wine.
Nor yet. from Masbtat learning.
Of what the Cockney would define—
Poor A as oyer spuming —
**The sime in nime, but not in
shipe,"
The pi^ of port; the boatswain's
pipe*
No! Nowl sing— but not with praise.
To praise it would be rummer
Than any other sort of craze.
Excepting in a plumber ;
I am not such a fool, a *' snipe,"
As says the Bard— my water-jape.
For weeks I could not get a drop
Of water, it was frozen ;
When thus congealed the thing would
stop,
I spoke as would a boatswain.
For seamen's oaths the time was ripe.
I here translate them — Hang that
pipe I
Then suddenly, of course at night.
There came a sudden splashing.
And I, in most unequal ng:ht.
About my bedroom daamng.
With bheettt and towels tried to wi^
Or ch€C^ the flood from that yile
pipe.
You would not say that frost is fine.
So exquisitely bradnff.
If you had had a pipe like mine.
Your ruined home defacing ;
On carpet, stain ; on paper, btripe ; —
Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe I
SoNe OF THB PSACB TXRHB (SuilO
TO China).—'* Oh, Let us be Jappy
togetherl''
>
203
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHASiyABI.
[Aran. 37, 1896.
April 27, 1895.]
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON OHARIVARL
20S
A SONG OF SPEING.
, yoa wlio alwajB
ittb fwmllow dares, and take
The winds of March"— tiU May^with mm
Atrooieios audi of paint, and make
The streeta in nieh a lihooking state, yoa
Axe quite a nuisance— how I hate yoa I
How can I wear in peace a neat.
Silk hat, and coat of decent black.
When, pasang yon in any street,
Yoor paint may tomUe on my back.
Or I may smash, which niight be sadder.
My hat against yoor doping ladder?
How can the sorinff delight my mind,
^w can I like toe budding trees.
The butterflies of any kind P
A Painted Lady could not please
In any way the mental man.
Were I a painted gentleman.
How can I'like the balm^ air,
B^w dream of yidlets in bloom.
When paint-pots swing aloft and scare
With visions of impoiding doom ?
I 'm mad and hot— quite crimson madder—
With dodging each suocesdye ladder.
TO A BANTLING.
(Lime$ vrriOm to a Lady wko "Banied,")
BoKB rhymes to make you laugh f I can't
Drop, Wegp-like, into rhyme instanter.
It 's easiness itself to bant,
Comparatiyely hard to banter.
The many pretty things I 'd sav,
The pleasant thoughts I 'd like to utter,
I may not do, it seems to-day —
You soom the bare idea of butter /
" Sweets to the sweet" Not long ago,
Why chocolates— you 'd gladly greet them.
Now you Ve abandoned them, ana so
You never (hardly ever) eat them.
To see you drink hot wator — ^that
The very stoniest heart would softon.
You evidently think it flat,
You *re in it— aren*t you— much too often ?
Yet whether 98t. 12, as when
You weighed that day at Margate Station,
Or lOst. 7, or Tst. 10^
J can't pretend to indignation.
To bant from early mom till late
May be, of course, supremely riffht of you ;
But ii you feel oppressed by weight,
Would it not ao if we maide light of you ?
Though that I swear I will not do,
Let others, if they like, make bold to —
I merely write these rhymes for you,
I okoayB do just what I 'm told to I
But if you cease to i>6ak and pme
(For lime the Banting Consoienoe hardens).
You will not fail to drop a line—
My chambers are in Temple (hardens.
SEXOMANIA;
Bf m Angry Old Bufer,
*' Wheit Adam delved and Bvb span,"
No one need ask which was the man.
Bicyolinff, footballing, sosrce human.
All wonder now *'Wmch is the woman?"
But a new fear my bosom vexes ;
To-morrow there may be no sexes I
Unless, as end to all the pother,
Eachlone in fact becomes the other.
E'en th^n perhaps they'll start amain
A-trying to change back again I
Woman imm woman, man imm man,
When AsAX delved and Bve span.
Now he can't dig and she won't ndn.
Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin I
DOMESTIC TROUBLES.
"What is rr, NuBsaf"
"If voir please, BCa'am, the Ohildbbk will make Sudbs on the Flooe with
Tapioca Puddino 1 "
OSTRICH FEATHEBS.
[M xhe magnifioent ostrich st the Zoological Oardens, preianted by the Qubbn, has recently
died from lung-diaeaae."— 2HNi|^ Ftiptr!]
Mt eyes are wet with dewy tears.
That will not cease to flow,
like Mast's Uttle lamb, my grief
Somehow is sore to so
Wherever I do. It all comes
From something that I 've read,
The ostrich that I loved so wdl
Fdl ill, and now is dead.
•• Magniflcent " indeed, it was.
I never ceased to take
A pride in its magnificence
For its own special sake.
But added nnto this there was
An extra joy. I mean
That loyalty asks ardour for
A present from the Quimr.
Oh I ostrich, I have often thought
Yonr smile childlike and bland.
And specolated if it's true
That right down in the sand
You really do conceal y^toi head.
But even though that's wrong.
It ffcems without a lung for life
You could not live for long.
My wife and I delight to hear
Our wee girl's merrv laugh.
As she 's astride the eie^iant
Or feeding the ffiraff e.
But ostrich— regal, lung-gone, dead I .
When we are at the Zoo,
My wife's beat hat will always
To turn my thoo^ts to you.^
T^k
204
PUNCH, OR THB LONDON CHARTVARL
[AnuL 37, 1896.
CARMENCITA.
{An Impression,)
** BA8T is east, and west ii west
And never the twain shall meet"
And the dance of Spain is one of the twain
To the English Man in the Street
We love the triok of the lofty kiok
And the musonlar display
Of the nymph who has leapt at a^ muslin hoc^
And stopped in her f^ght half •-way.
A plain, blnnt girl in the stormy swirl
Of aooordion pleats and laoes,
Tbo' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance.
Is numbered among the Oraoes.
For heel and toe our hearts can glow
And the feats of the rhythmic dog,
And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion
Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog.
But the dancer's art. of her life a part,
A song of the wordless soul
With a tale to tell, like the munc*s swell,
Too large for the word's control,
That goes not down in London town
Where dogg'd ooayentLons stick.
And dancers still must charm with frill,
Or '* make shjrmnastic drick«"
Aj tbe jungle king with his wrathful spring.
To the lamb that aptly bleats,
Aj the trumpet's blare to the palsied air
Of that wnioh plays in pleats.
So is east to west, with its sun-bom zest.
With nve ai the quick hearths core.
And passions bold as the ardent gold
Of the sun on a southern shore.
THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY.
** The torereigD'it thiig on earth
Was psrmaocti, for tn inward bruiao.**
JTcMfy liU Jbira^ Part I., Aet^i., 8o. 3.
A QUABBXL, anything but inttty.
Cannot be healed by panniUMtL
But honour, bruised in the leg.
Finds soTereign solaee in an egg. .
REFLECTIONS OP A STATESMAN.
Saturday. — Thijrgs looking queer, l.tamiop-t >n in a fenntnt,
Toriee denouncing me. Like thd r i tn pud enoe . M ti -^ f o rde? A rt a ra
Baltoub to stop this nonsense^ imd brmj; rehelA to reawm. I ahall
want Hythe thrown into the bairgain. BAiFofK muft writ« mnre
letters. If our little lot are t*i f^et
nothing out of all this, what 's the n»&
of baying sacrificed prindplen and
CoubthbtP Obyiously none. Je^hr
CoLLDios quite agrees. Say^ the
Tories will repent, when it is too late,
of having refused to submit tn the i
great eat, wisest, mo«t generoiiK and
nobleet statesman of this or any other
affC, paat or future. Wonderful am onn t
of sense in Jisse. Shall make him
Gh>T(*nior-Qeneral of India, or First
Lord of Admiralty.
Monday. — Haye seen Balfouh.
Says he can do nothing at Lea-
mington. Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist osndidate.
Mb r The mere notion ridionlous. Told Kim so. Also asked him
how about Compact He said ** Compact be " At t^ia moment
GoecHsn came in, and intf'rrupted. Balvoub said missing word wai
**obseryed." OoscHEir full of sympathy, but said he oonld do
nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of Exoheguer sgain.
Shall be Chancellor of Excheauer myself. Letter in Times nom
OiOFFBET DiuoB, saying kind things about me- Bather pataran-
isirg, but well meant Shall make Draob Home Secretary.
TWtfctov.— Letter in Times from Lord Tbtihtaic attaokmg me on
account of yote on Welsh Diveetablishment Eyen a fool of a lord
might know a man can't wriggle out of eyerythin^ , and can't pleise
eyerybody. Haye written to Salibbitbt ordering him to threw
TBTifHAM into the Tower as soon as Unionist Goyemment in power.
If he refuses, shall accept Premiership myself and execute Tbthhav
on Tower HilL Leaminsrton still raging. If this goee on shall maroh
at head of Birmingham Fenciblea and rase Leamington to the ground
—all except three houses said to belong to Liberal UnioniiU
That 'U teach them to oppose me,
Wednesday,— LeUet m Times from Btboit Rbxd. 8a,y% I *m not
ao bad as they want to make me out Nice sensible fellow Btbov.
Shall make him Minister of Agricidture. Haye sent ultimatums to
Balisbttbt, Balfoitb, ABBBB-DoueLAa, MiOHABL H£GK>*-Bbacb, and
CsAPLiir, orderini^ toem to retire from public life. Shall ran tfa«
ahow on entirely differwt lines with AusTEir and Jbssi^ to hdp bm.
Haye heard from editor of New JUtfiew, who refuses to di<*doseDaine
of author, of an attack on me. Haye sent Hbhtbt Jahbs to editor
with new patent rack and thumbscrews. But there, my name 's aaiy.
Neyer could bear malice. Always forgiye eyerybody. . . . Notes
from Salisbubt, Balfoitb & Co. They refuse to retire. Hexit
Jambs returns. Editor broke rack and tbr^w thumbscrews ont of
window. A yery rude man, Hbbbt Jambs aays. Gullt electsd
Speaker. I 'm off to Birmingham.
Za^.— Letter from Habt Dtbb in the Times, A gtwd hSkm
Habt Dtxb. But why, in the name of sorew-nails, should they all
presume to patronise me t
Letter in Standard from STAira.BT BouLxnu Must stqp^ ^^,}^^
of nonsense. Leading article in Standard. • Usual futilities : **We
fuUy recognise loyal seryices, but on the present occaaion,'' &c ShAll
refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JxasB to found t
Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.
aUEEE aUERY.— AiTY AdvahcbP— I see that at the Shop
Assistants' Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-woito"
ougbt to go in for was a *' Forward Policy." Sur<»ly this must be t
mistake f If there is one thinfr that eyerybody fbjeets to, itisfff^
i^urd young men and women behind the counter. One dtea hesrs ttie
shop-walker say, V Will you come forward, Mia^ Jovn, and sorfewi
ladyl" And perhaps Ma< was what the Cardiff people wwetbimdiw
qL Can this be the true explanation ? I sineerdy hope so ; I dflot
want a ** forward" young
party," slamming down
, a sort of **indepSDdflirt]ib^
for me to inqpeet !— Alabmb^
Mat 4, 1895.]
±^UN'(M/i6r TftS lib CaARIVAKl.
205
MAY DAT.
IStridly according to Precedent,)
Oten the windows, sahite tiie day ;
Wdoome, wdoome the First of May.
Eyerything 's ohanged, or ought to
be,
Bods are borstiiig on hedge and tree.
Sweet winds breathe from the West
or Sonth
Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth.
Byerything speaks of warmth aod
love,
Bright is the snn in the blue aboye.
Oat in the woods, I know. I know,
Fur and feather are all aglow.
Downy rabbits with jewel eyes
Dart about in a wild surpiise.'
Yellow-billed blaokbira, speckled
thrush.
Pour their notes in a tuneful gush.
And all the neat little boys and girls,
With dean fresh faces and haLr [in
curls,
Rin^ in a chorus, " Hurray, hurray !
Apnrs gone, it's the First of
Jday I
• • • •
That 's how I dreamt my May-day
dream; [to seem
But things are not what they ought
For the wind— why, bless me, the
wind is East,
And the birds don't warble or chirp
the least [gloom.
The whole of the sky is wrapped in
And fires are lighting in every room.
And 1 shiver ahd sneeze and spend
my day
In a winter-suit on the First of May.
Auk'd About.— Tb e skin of a Great
Auk was put up for sale last week,
but the reserved pi ioewas not reached.
Evidently it was of bad omen that it
should have been put up at an ** Auk-
shun."
THE NEW BOY!
"Look, Fathsb, this is tofr hew Ovbsooat."
"By Qsoboe, it fits tott OAPrrALLv ! "
" Tbs, dossn't it 1 You will now be able to weak mt
Old Clothes 1 "
DRAMATIC FAMILY UKENESS.
Foe the plot of The Paesport.
recently produced with a fair amount
of success at Terry's T&eatre, the
authors admit their indebtedness to
Colonel Savage's novel. My Official
Wife. Oddlv enough, this pbt
bears a considerable resemblance to
that of The Orient JBxprese, a pieoe
**made in Qermany," of which Uie
English adaptation was produced
here, at Daly's, during his season.
In this piece, i,e.^ The Orient
£xpre8$j a gentleman has tourist
tickets for himself and wife : but
his wife, after disposing or her
ticket to a professioiuil cicirone^
returns to England alone, while her
husband, travelling on business, con-
tinues his journey. The eicSrane
has sold the ticket cheap to a lady,
who is therefore eompeUed to tzavel
under the name inscribed on liie
ticket, and finds herself in the
same carriage with tiie gentleman
who has the corresponding ticket,
and the ticket- collector, seeing liie
same names, hands back both.tickets
to the gentleman, and tries to keep
the carriage strictly reserved for
tiiem all the way, in which attempt
he fails, and hence arise, on their
return to England, complications
analogous to those of The PasmorU
Was the novel of Mjf Official Wife
written before the German faroi(»l
play, or is it only a family like-
ness? ^
•*Il IRA lonr." — Dr. Fajulas,
now Chaplain to the Spsaeee. has
been made Dean of CanterWy.
From the Deanery to a Bishopric is
but a step. He has ffone Far, will
go Fasbax and fare oetter . • • and
then . . . FAERAB-well to all his
greatness I
STRIKES 1 LA MODE DE PARIS.
{From the Diary of a PleaewrC'teeher of the Future,)
Boas earlv« intending to have a real good time of it, in siate of
the reoent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my
bullet-proof coat and shell-def } ing boots. Carried also my armour-
plated umbrella, which can be used (on emergencies) as a shield to
quick-firing guns. Looked out of window, and found the weather
rplendid. Fmuff, too (which I had heard every now and again
daring the night), seemingly all but ceased.
On reaohinff the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned
me to be careiuL Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and
asked wj^ a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn
sabres. Was told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection
of a sweep journeying to his work in a donkev-4»rt.
Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a
yoUey of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From
this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still
farther restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After
the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a strongly-
fortified position, which turned out to be, as I expected it wodd, a
doubly-entrenched cab-stand.
Only one vehicle on the rank. Enga^ the cabman. Although I
was unaccompanied by^ a relative or fnend found the space at my
disposal distinctly limited. The top of t^ four-wheeler was, of
oourse, occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its
usual sentry, carrying a couple of revolvers and a searoh-light
Three of the seats inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I
retained the fourth.
'* We had better make for the river," said the officer in command,
and we fell in with the suggestion. .' ^ ' T
Our progress was comparatively uneventfuL Certainly at the
comers of streets we had to run' t^d gi^tle6'of a dio#er of mH^tiM
of yaiious dimensions ; still, the amiour-plated sides of tAS ^^.
turned aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as
occasion required, escaped without iigury. Leaving the steel-pro-
tected eab, I embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and
made^mv way down the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able
to avoid liie submarine mines which had been laid by the Chairman
of the Strike Committee. Our voyage was also rendered exciting by
the torpedoes.
Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was suffi-
dentljr fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting
campaign. The route, which ran chiefly through main thorougf ares,
extended to the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all
arms of the service, the distance was traversed in about three hours.
Every inch of the ground was hoUy contested, but the omnibus at
length won the day. The los<tes on our side consisted of a colonel
killed, and seventv-four rank-and-flle wounded. The casualties on
the side of the strikers were infinitely more numerous.
On reaching mv destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus
escaping any further molestation.
PKESENTED AT COUKT.
Dbab Mb. PuircH,— I notice that *' an original dramatic cari-
cature " is being played at ^e Court Theatre, under the title of
Vanity Fair, To prevent mistakes, I write to say at once that I am
on the eve of constructing a three-volume novel, oaHed. Hamlet^ Prince
of Denmark ; a poem, called Box and Cox : and a satire, called
macaulay^e Mistory of England, I merely mention tliis faot to
fotect my copyright in the names I have chosen for my new works,
haye also in contemplation the writing of a book to be entitled
Adam Bede, a novelette, to be known as King Solomon^ e Minee^
and a story to be. y'dept Treammre Island, May I add-that I have
also some pantomimes and eccentric ballets nearly ready that will be
ohit^Wfl^ wh^icompleted,— ^tnumJ, TA« Virginians^ The New-
comesJphiUp^ and last, but not least, Pendennis.
Ml VA ■*/. <i t T. TiMMrstnc^, ^ N^tttnio if kot OmenrAL.
^Tj^wt fhiplH^g. ol adopting as a nom de plume the signature >
VOL. Ofill.
aoe
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Mat 4. 1896.
HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.
Impmal Attkt, " WuH I oouu> hatb oot it Dom nr miB iok thx Botal Aoadskt. Scr* to bava dskn AocBFnD."
[*«* nwBmpworof OntitAXTliMnoaitlTSpaintodaiM-idew.] ( -f^C^o\f>
BfAT 4, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVART.
207
1886.
1896.
HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.
DMnguished Amateur soUhquiseth :—
TbewmH! EgotUtic ways are my abhor-
renoe;
But if tMs masterpieoe were only hnng
In the Uffizi Chdlery at Florenoe.
Where LnoHTOir, like a god, ambrosial,
young.
And Mttxatb. in immortal manhood, stand.
Self -limned, for admiration of posterity,
I f anoy that this work of my nght hand
Would quite eoiipse mere Genius, whose
temerity
In ehaUenging oomparison with Bibth
Is really getting wmnething unendurable.
Aha I It mores me to sardonic mirth I
To dream of my position as securable
By mere Bismarokian brain I n Now, as the
I oome out admirably. Form and stature,
The threatening eye, and the earth-shaking
nod.
iUl, all to me are simply seoond nature,
fflobe-trampling foot, and hand that grips
the bolt.— r Apoflo.—
Aye, and the lyre when I would play
Areminel Will low-bom (Genius dare revolt.
Or where J lead Greatness decline to follow P
AbsurdI I hardly know in what great guise
BTo paint my greatness V I haye sung of
But he was but a sea-god, and his size
And strength compared with mine were
small and meagre.
I am a Joint-stock DeitT, as 'twere,
Olympos in a nutshell, Neptune, Mars,
The Gbud-Oompeller and the Sungod fair.
Here I'm pure JoTe. And yet somehow it
jars
Upon my spirit to be so restricted
To one immortal guise, howeyer grand.
Hahl GK)ds by their own penoUs thus
depicted
Would make a New Yalhalla e'en my
hand
Need not disdain to add to. If Narcissus
Had been a painter, nowl There is no
stresm.
Though dear as my own Bhine or the
Gould do me justice. I must pairt my
dream
Of my Supernal Self. A mere reflection
From Nature's mirror would but mar my
beauty.
No; I must limn myself for the inspection
Of men and gods ; it is a simple duty.
This does not satiif y me. AndTit is
Too late, I fear, for Grandmamma's B.A.
Besides, those English journalists might quiz
Eyen Imperial Art They've their own
way
Too much by far in that 01-ordered isle,
Those cheeky critic-fellows. Let m« catch
A Teuton quill-driyer who 'U dare to smile
Upon a masterpiece he cannot match 1 1 !
[Left tou ching it up.
Literary.
A BOOK ii announeed entitled Irteh Hu^
mour through English Olaseee. It will be
followed, we hope, by a companion ydume.
entitled English (OQ Humour through Irish
(Whiahy) Olaeeee.
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
MB8SB8. BLiLCEwooD are issuing a standard
edition of the works of GbobaiEijot. Adam
Bede^ of course, comes first, admirably
printed in dainty volumes of blue and golo.
Glancing over the work brings back to the
memory of my Baronite a certain schoolboy
who, instead of going home to dinner, usea
to spend the interval in the reading-room d
a free library, literally dining off Aiam JBede^
then just out. It will be interesting to obseryc
how far the public of to-day, more especially
the young men and maidens who read novels,
will take to Gsones Euot. In this new
standard edition opportunity, alike in respect
of charm and cheapness, is made alluring.
The Curse of Intelleet is an unattractive
title, suggestive rather of a series id essays
on the melancholy lives of certain geniuses
than of the weird tale— for such it is—
of a Man-Monkey. This story, published by
Messrs. Blackwood, and written by Machia-
VELU CoLur Clout, is a modem versioa
of Drankenstein, the distinction bein^ that,
whereas Frankenstein constructed hu own
monster, the hero of this romance, one Iteuben
Power^ finds amonster ready to handin akind
of ** Mr. GOTilla," whom he educates to speak
a strange lanrnaffc. also to read, write, and
think in excellent English. This Converted
Ape kills his maker, and then coniidenitely
puts an end to his own miserable ezistenoe : he
does not, however, possess a soul ( JVaufsfi-
stein^s Monster was also deficient in thia
reimect). **For Oitissucha'norriUetale;"
ana, except to those who occasionally eigoy
'*a 'norrihle tale," this cannot be reeoa-
' by Thi Baxok ds B.-W.r:!'
2Q8
Pm^Gff^ :Ofi ;C^.^XONDQ^ >gpAj5Li;V^A;B|I,
[M4T 4^ 1896.
BLIND ALLEY-QORIES.
Bt Duhho Wahbiab.
{TranslaUd firom the original Lapfiih 5y Mr, Puneh'$ own
Syptr b iree m B nAu n oi i ,)
No. UL— A SocBATtc BxpsBDmrr.
Thi other day I went out for a walk* Mr thoughts oirQled round
my head like beee in a bonnet, and detached themselTeB slowly from
the loose white honeycomb of my brain to mirror themselyes in my
soul, as is usual with me on
such occasbns. And, some-
where round the comer, a
Toioe lurked calling out re-
marks—what I knew not^ only
that they were of a highly
personal character. The people
I met stared at me, and I
stared at theni^ for I had a
presentiment that they were
talking about me, but I took
no notioe of them— beyond in- « * i j ^ i -n _. *i „
forming them that they were ^ ^^^ "^^ praotictl lUnftimfcloii,"
cowar£ and blowflies, and raquestiiig to be informed why they en-
closed their dirty interiors in glass. For I am Young Qabnawat,
and when I take a walk, I generally exchange amenities d tins
kind with any persons I happen to meet.
At the Maiket Place, my fricmd the Tallow-chandler sat inside his
shop, dozing under a pale canopy of farthing dips.
''^ Answer me a question," I begged of him. *' Why does one yearn
for the top brick cat the chimney when one is a ehila, and yet f sel
dissatisfied when, as a man, one reoeiyes it ot| the top of one's
Sunday tile P Why does the sea bird fly inland i4 winter to get food
from the towns— only to turn up its beak wheni presented with a
ticket for soup P Whydowe P"
My friend the Tallow-chandler answered neyer a word, but
chuckled foQEiihly~{b himself and~retired behind a barrier of motUsd
When I had gone a |^ece further I reached a back street, when I
found my fri^ Hm Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the
mouth-iffgan.
*' Answer me a <iuestion," I besought him. *' Suppose youfoond
out that those who hold the reins of goyemment in our town were
educatiDg large blue-bottle flies to make i^cot jam out cl your and
your neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local ^per aboat
it, eyen if you knew that the editor would dedine to insert your
letter P';
My friend answered nerer a
Myti
word; he only giggled
embarrassment, struck up a
maaurka on his mouth-cmn,
and began to dance shesniihly.
But, down in Mud Alley, my
friend tiie Dustcart-man m
at his open window— a fsnily
idyll« wife and six small diii-
dren, all eating onions snd
fried fish.
** Answer me a ouestLoo," I
prayed him. ** If a person came to you and said rudely, * Better
anything elw than ritting here with your head in the domestio hsltor
among the potsherds and puffballs of the old ideahi ; rather a jolly
fjfood row that ends in afortnighf s **hard" than fat-headed, elflphaat-
f ooted dulness here with your buzzing brood around you I ' If a
preson came to you and said that, what reply would you giye himP"
My friend answered neyer a word; he was out of the window
before I had time to walk away ; and in a yery few moments I rs-
ceiyed a clear and practical illustration d the sort of reply he would
giye to such a <|Uestion.
As forme, Ihmpedhomeas well as I could, and, idien eyeningfelL
and I was done up in brown paper and yinegar, both my eyes gleamsd
in the eyening sun with the tridesoent glitter of peacoeka' tails.
"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS 1"
["Fort Chitral, April 20. — Colonel Ksllt's
force from Oilghit arrired to-day. . . . Mach nck-
nflM from bad food, exoeisiTe work, and expoaure.
Condact of troops admirable. . . . The discipline,
derotion, and fortitude displayed by all ranks
nnder circumstanoet which required all those
qualities are beyond all pralM."— ^. BoUrtmm^t
Bmimary of the S%6g9<^ Chitral,']
" Small time, but, in that smalL most rreatiy fir'd
This star of £ngland.»
Chorut :' King Henry the lifth, Act Y., I^ne 2.
Ohlt one mi*re '* little war,** — of. course,
Predpitate pluck, and inadequate force-
Sum wars as our England wages, ,
At terrible cost in British liyes.
And orphan children and widowed wiyes.
Whereat, though greatly our glory thriyes,
Out conscience sometimes rages.
But such little wars may need great hiarts.
And the wandering heroes who may theirpsrts
For Engknd, the wide worla oyer :
Fight as weU though theyfight-and fall-^
In a leagured hut, >y a shattered walL
As though the purple of Wkllinotov's pall
Each aeath<^0Qld nreast ahould.coyer.
Deyotion, fortitude, discipline P Yes I
They always shine in the perilous press,
Where British soldiers rally.
Shine as bright in the hopeless dark
Of the mad melSe, thou^ there 's none to mark
The scattered wreckage ruddy and tstutk
Of the last braye stand or sally.
We rejoice to hear, though weknew we should,
Chitral's defenders again made good
The glorious old tradition
Of byuty to the flying flag.
Cynics may dub it the torn red rag, .
But our tongues shall laad« whil4 tiboae
ouffues can wagi . .
That splendid '* superstition."
The men who stood, and the men wWeame
O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame.
To telieye their leagured brothers,
Haye sH done well ; and 1^ tawny* sMu
Of thoS9 who helped us to waf ana win,—
Well, your little Knglander 's less akin
To England than those others!
"ForthisreUef, much thanks I" And thanks
Te dead, and living^ and of all ranks.
Forget their seryioe? Neyer I
*' SmaU time." indeed, but as brightly shone
'^ This star of Emrland," as it had done
On that stricken field when the lurid sun
Of the CorsioanjMink for oyer.
A PBBST STEP
TOWARDS HISTRIONICS. ;
{Under the guidance o/fferr Ooefhenumfk)
Queetum. Haye you witnsased the per-
formance of the Atitor-maniger P
Anewer, No, but I haye perused tiiJstragedy
of the Author-publisher.
Q. Is it a curtain-raiser?
A, No, but it is a hair-lifter, in three acts.
Q. How many are the personsctf the 4iamaP
A. Four.
Q. Of these, how many are objeotiooaiUe P
A. Five.
Q. Kindly resdye this paradox.
A, All are objeotionable that come on the
stage, and one that doesn't.
Q. You speak of the stagej where haathe
play been giyen P
A, Nowhere. ZthasnotreceiyedaliccviBe.
Q. Is it the close seasenP j
A. No, but so much priyata license was
taken by the Author-pubusher that thepu))lic
censor did not see his way to adding to the
amounts
Q. Then wp shall not see it interpreted by
intelligent actors? . . m*
A; No, fw eyen if license were gsantad,
the Author-puWsher would take all the
parts himsel£ -~
Q. I do not follow this scheme of plurality.
^ A. I quote froin his own printed adver-
tisement, ^' The right of performing in puuic
this ^lay (tie) is reserved by the author.''
QV IMd you irtiate tluit it Is at mgely ?
^^'A.' Yes, but ineUiking 1x> fa^
Q. Does it move thereader to pity and terrorP
A. Yes, both. Pity for himself, and tenor
of the next thing oi the kind that he may
have to read.
Q. Has it any other of the high qualitiei
of the Oreek Tragedy?
A, It says it has the unities.
Q. A severe attack P
A. t(9, the Norwegian kind; a form of
Teutonic meadea, painful but tmnsitoffy.
Q. Is it heroic P
Ai No, but it is suburban*
Q. Is the conclusion worthy of a mat
tragedy? Does it end in a lurid light cf
whole-souled passion and death ?
A. It ends about 4 ajc. the nebct day,
with a cook crowing. The protagonist hss
come home intozieated, and remains so.
I regret to add tiiat he pushes the heroine,
she hayjiyjdisplaced his beverage by break
ing the glass. She slaps him upon the &os,
and eventually loses animation. I do ndt
know howthe other two end, because they
were not home in time for the onrtsiB. At
it was^ the Author-publisher nearly noilt
one d the unities through waiting for them.
Q. All must be well that ends so weU.
Is there a problem or enigma ?
A. There is alwap the insoluUe riddle—
why did he write it r
Q. Is it full of situations?
A, Not inoonveniently so ; but there is a
dramatic moment.
Q. Which?
A. I do not know.
Q. Then why do you say there is one?
A. Because the Author-publisher says so.
Q. But is it not wasteful to have three
acts, and only one dramatic moment? -
A. 1 ahocud have thought so; but the
Author-publidier says he has diown eeonomy.
Q. Ooddypn giye meanideaof the mamMT?
Select a striking incident or a passage where
there is subtle onaracteriNLtion. '
A. One situation impressed me very musi.
I tidnk it must hay; .been the .tfbraiuitM
momenta I reserve it lor my'ne]^ v;^
{Thbr^onHmsed.) O
Mat 4, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
FILIA PITLCHSA, KATEB
PITLCHSIOS.
I LOVZD a girlf diyinely sweet.
An niuophiBtieated oreature ;
I did not somple to repeat
She was diTine, yon oould not meet
Moredharms ispUyedinformand
feature.
I lored her yoathM grace, her slight
And dainty form, an angel's seem-
ing.
Crowned bv sweet hair, as dark as
night, .
Her faoe would oharm an artist's
A pMT s Oughts, a lover's dream-
ing.
I loved her dark and lostroos eyes,
Which love might light with gbw-
ing passion.
Her lips, her neck— you will surmise
I wrote her rhymes, all tears and
In lovesiok versifier's fashion.
I loved her like a childish pet,
I felt I could not love another.
Until Uie day when first I met
Her widowed mother, charming yet,
And now, iostead, I We her mother.
I love the woman, for the rose.
Full blown, ezceb the rosebud's
beauty.
Nor think of ^lish charms since those
No more insjgiremy Muse, which shows
My Muse is fit for any duty.
I love her, stately as a queen
Whom Yebgkbsb might have
painted.
Blue-eyed, withhairof ^dlden sheen-
That 's just the one thing which has
been
A trouble since we 've been ac-
quainted.
I love not charms I loved before,
Dark as the night, or, say a hearseis.
Now auburn beauty pleases more.
My wasted hours I depbre—
I 've had to alter all those verses.
EpPIKe AND OVBMTKPPINO.— At
a meeting of forest borderers, Wan-
stead, it was asserted that since the
Corporation had had control of the
forest, upwards of 100.000 trees had
bem felled. If true^ the members of
the Corporation-Bpping-Forest-Oom-
mittee will henceforth be known as
'* those feUers!"
"ANIMAL SPIRITS."
No. XII.— Outside Ezxtbb Hall.
TO cntCB.
** If doughty deeds my lady please,''
Though somewhat old and gouty.
The first occasion I will seize
Of doing something '* doughty" ;
If ffav attire delights your eye,
I'fl dight me in array "
Which every casual passer-by
Will think extremely gay.
<* If sweetest sounds can win your ear ,"
I 'U cheorfnlly begin [f ear^
(Thoogh somewhat late m life, I
To learn l£e violin :
In fact, whatever task you set,
You 'U speedily discover
That in the writer you have met
A most submissive lover.
I could exemplify the fact
Through sevenl extra verses.
How I would please, by every act.
My kindliest of Cibgb's ;
And yet by destiny malign
You 've nappened just to dioose
The single task which, though divine
The bidder, I refuse.
The single task— and pardon, pray.
If, not without compunction,
Reluctantiy I disobey
Your positive injunction :
Ask what you will, I 'U undertake
The deed, however big.
But do not blind my eyes and
Me try to draw a pigl [make
TO A PICTUEE.
You pretty face, upon my walL
Enshrined in gl&M and oak and^ld.
Most charmingdeaf-mute— and withal
Mv confidante— whate*er befall.
My trust in you will rest untold.
You pretty face I
What do they call youP Is it
"Spring"? JRace"?—
Or **Blossoms"? or '*The Coming
It matters not in any case.
Your name may be just anything
For all I care, you pretty face.
You bring me back old scenes anew,
You'vefloinethingofmylady*sgrace,
CN^her sweet features just a trace,
And so I have re-christened you—
, I won't say what— you pretty face 1
I have no portrait to recall
The sweetest of all maids to me,
Nor have I need of one at all.
Yet, seeing you upon my wall.
By pleaong ** make-believe" I see
Her pretty faoe I
BABY^S DIAEY.
['* The Nursery IVioycle oontainn two seats, one for the ndstrets and one
for the maid and her charge, and has two pairs of pedals.**— 2>ai^P«jMr.]
This is rather fun I Ever so much better than those crawling
old mail-carts and perambulators. Wonder mother and
nurse never thought of it before. A pneumatic tandem,
too, I notice. Hope they understand blowing tire up
again when it bursts.
Nurse a duffer at pedalling. Amerepassengrerl Have
to keep her up to the mark by crying. Frightened a
pony in a trap. Sarcastic driver said. You don't want
a bell to your machine with that child yelling like a
tom-cat on fire." Gives me a hint— I must see how our
cat does yell when it 's on fire.
Beally, I never saw such steering I Mother has juf>t
ran us into a bridk' walL Disgraceful! Why wasn't
die taught tricycling when she was vounff P Her educa-
tion has oeHaimy been horribly neglectecL
Why should I sit in the middle, though ? Can't -see
the country proporly. ' Make another protest— louder, if
possible. Passing pedestrian observes, " You shoidd call your machine
r^cydcnotatnoyde.'' ^t<^tmytonrie at lum. Nurse offm^
give me a •' pick-a-back" : says she can pedal tool The old humbug!
Scratohherface. Mother offers me a scat on front handle. Not half bad.
Fresh air makes one uncommonly hun^. Time for mj botUe.
Insist on my outriders stopiwnif at a public for millL
Find the pony, trap, and sarcastic driver stopping th»e
too. Latter says to Mother, "So you 've brought tiie
infant phenomenon with you. Ma'am ! Wonder what
he means. He adds something about a fog-horn.
Uude, I fancy. . „ , ijx ^v x :iv
Back homewards. AwfuUy sleepy after that milk.
Curious milk. PerhwM sarcastic person drugged it to qmet
me ? Fast askep. Wakened by crash ! Stars I Oh, what
is it P Try to yell— can't— mouth fuU of sometmng.
Later.* In my cot, thank Heaven I Heard doctor say,
" Severe shock, but no bones broken." , A^ul h«d-
ache. Seems that break went wrong going down-hilL
Well, no '* safety tandem" for me again-TCim't sttmd
'Mf», mysdf . not oeing in favour of inf antiade. Give
ifM a good old mail cart!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL^
[^AT 4, 18M.
FELINE AMENITIES.
Miss TrsffuaKimg. "Oh tm I THm abb bitoh lotely Sbas awd Suxs nr Oo&nwall, and such Rookb and Oaves— and Sbau
-AND THK JfOSr MAONITIOBNT WILD WAVEB YOF BVKR SAW— AITB ^"
Mrs, Frou-Fnm, " But ho P&bbs-maksbb, I svpposb I "
JOHN STANDS ALOOF.
(Shixonosxki, 1895.)
[« OiroumitanoM mifht ante, of ooune, in
wnioh we should feel called upon to 8afeg:uard our
interetta, but ao far we diaoem no adequAte ground
for interference."— I%tf »*I1im«f" on ths Joimi
Frotstt of Russia, Francs and Osrman^ agamsi ths
a$msxatum portion of ths Trsaty of 8kimomsski.'\
Ant—** The Heathen Chinee:'
Jomr.BuLL eings .—
I siAiTD by, and I mark.
And I flee some things plain ;
And the looks that are dark
At the Jap's game, and gain,
From that Heathen Chinee, are peeoliar ;
Bnt aloof I 'm oontent to remain I
Ah Sin at the game
Thought him ohipper and spry ;
Bnt he h ** spoof ed^^all the same—
(Whatsome'er thtU imply)—
And his smile is less pensiye and ohildlike
Than when he onoe played with Bill Ntb.
Little Jap looked absurd—
As regarding mere size—
And some people inferred
He was feeble likewise ;
Yet he 's played it this time upon JoHnnr
In a way it 's soaroe safe to despise.
In the saffron pair*s game
I did not take a lumd.
Some oonodyed that the same
Jap did not understand ;
But his grin somehow soon turned the tables
On '* the smilethat was ohildlike and bland."
'Tis a theme for Bbet Hahtk,
P'raps he only oould show
The artful JAP'i artr—
If I may put it so—
In a way wnioh is worthy the subject.
But me interfere, gents P Why, no I
If Jap's cards had been stocked—
Which I do not believe—
Had our feelings been shocked
By the state of Jap*8 sleere ;
We might have had reason for charging
The same with intent to deceive.
But the hands he has played
With that Heathen Chinee,
And the points he has made,
Are, as far as I see,
The result of good play phu good fortune ;
And does it concern ^u or me ?
The Russ standing by
Turned his glance upon me.
(For the Jap*s pile woe high.)
And he hissed, ** ShaUTSiis be P
Must I have this smart Jap for a neighbour P
Shall he dear out the Heathen OhineeP "
Swarthy Fbah^ois looked glum,
Qinger Hajts rubbed his chin:
But I smoked and stood mum.
As the Jap raked the tin.
Then I says, *' He's played ^Ij and squarely.
So what call have tos to cut in P
** In the game, as you know,
You would not take a hand.
But a short while ago ;
So let Jappt now land
The stipes, and Ah Sim take his hiding
At the game his foe does understand.
*' JoHmrr thought himself strong
At that game; but the facts
Seem to prove he was wrong ;
And unwisely he acts
In howling at getting in warfare
What's frequent in warfare — that 'i
whacks I
*' Which is why I remark.
And my purpose is plain.
That looks that are diirk
At the Jappt are vain.
And, although you may think me peculiar.
Aloof —for the time— I remain I "
SOHBTHIKG nr THl WAT OF "GBliT
ExpjwiATioHS."— When Jabm a Balpoto
arrives, no doubt his first visit will be to ths
editor of the Penny Illustrated Paper , in
which paper appeared the portrait of him si
** Mayor of CfiOTnoir," wearing his chain cf
offioe-alasi the cham I— thatled directly to
his identification and arrest. The photognph
was taken first and Jabk was taken afttr-
wards. Will Jabez 8. Balfoub call in at ths
office of theP. J. P. and sav. with Joe Gar-
gery, **Ever the best of mends, aint uii
P.J.P.P" Not quite Ukely.
PnoposKD Chaztgi of Name. — If &
Whitcakeb Ellis a g r ee s to the scheme for
adding Bute House Estate— a Bute-ifui pto-
perty— to Richmond Park, thus pr e o srvmgtt
from the buildenktiien will he be naMuly
remembered as *' W iskagrb Ellib.^
L/iyiLi^cri
** Bab Gold."— Fees to banistws.
Digitized by
Google
Mat 4, 1395.1
PUNCjIt, ; OR; THg , LONDON CHARIVARI.
SIS
orders to
', who read the inscription on the botrd, " Gamekeeper has
oot all dogs found in this indosore^' and ** wouldirt paaa
it." **Singnlar oiroomstanoe that." said Mr. Pickwick. ** Will
you allow me to make a note of it P"
MAY I. THE SWEEPS' FESTIVAL.
A Stitdt nr Blaok aud White. •^^ Nioi iob Nbxt Fare.
REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF SAaACITY IN GROUSE.
To The .FVtf/J of April 20, Mr. Fbsdxbick Milbank wrote about
the '* Monument to a Grouse Shooter " on Wimmemll Moor. Mr.
Milbakz considered the number of grouse he had bagged as oon-
stituting a ** reoord," and so caused a monument to be erected on the
spot samd to the memory of four thousand braoe of grouse shot
in six days by five gons with one extra gon on the sixth day.
The monument, being erected, •cared the grouse away. Of course
they read the sad story, held a coondl, and decided that as lonff
as F. A« MiLBAVK was anywhere about, witldn shot, they woold
presenre themselTCs bj ayoiaing him. Subsequently the monument
was remored to Baminprham in North Torksbire. But the North
Yorkshire birds are^quite indifferent to this tale from The Hills.
They wink the otherleTc, that is until such time as Fssbuick A.
MiLBAKK shall show them the sort of gun A^ is. and then they '11 be
sorry for not haying taken warning earlier, unless they possess the
ncaeityol thegroosecl Wimmergill, which resemblea that of Mr.
THE MODERN BUYER:
Gbowls er MoDSBiT " Mastbbs.*'
Jioyal Aeadetny, Burlington ffouee, May 8, 1895.
Thx '* Old Masters" over, the New make a start
Another year 's past and another year 's come ;
And Fame blows a blast on her trumpet, and Art
Beats her dram I
**Wa]knpII" An example is set by the Oonrt;
And Society hastens— a f ererish thronff ;
Almere glance at the pictures, for life is out short -
And Art 's long I
Three artists looked on with a cynical smile —
One needjr Outsider, and two rich R.A.'s
(Both walking on velTet, because of the pile
They could raise).
They discussed the * * Art Patron "—in all of that crowd
An avis that 's rara and rara each year.
And these are the words that they spoke, and allowed
Me to hear : —
First ILA.
•* Now, to none do I yield in my love of Yakdyck -
1 adore the Italians— bow down to the Dutch ;
YBLAsauEZ I worship, and Goya I like
Very much.
*' But alas I for the Shsspshavks and YEBifoire of old—
For the Hills and the rest of a connoisseur race !
Old MxcsNAS has gone ; and investors of gold
Take his place."
Second ILA.
** ' Old Masters * they buy— any ancient design—
Eighteen-thirty or so is the latest they 'U own ;
None but * made reputations '—no work, howe'er finp,
If unknown."
Outsider.
** Their Art's in their bankers'-books, not in their eyes
To encourai^e the artist is none of their plan ;
They seek an inyeetment that 's likely to rise^
Teaman.
*' Do they think that line art nowhere else can be seen
But in saint that is squint-eyed, or boor that is drunk.
In brown tree, Dutch canal, man with raff, or the lean
SpamshmonkP"
Second ILA.
*' Just reflect to what artists of old had been brought
(Snoh as Riykolds, or RAyirAicri| or Phidub the Greek)
Had their patrons informed them they meant to buy nought
But antique I "
Outsider.
" Then, our drawing is better— our atmosphere too.
Flein air was ignored, or they voted it vice.
As to * values^* 'twas little they thought of or knew—
Save of price."
First ILA.
*' When men buy modem art, they buy Ldghtons and Moores
And Sarffcnts and Swans and the rest of our lot ;
But as to their knowledge— hke none or like yours—
Tommy rot I"
Second M.A.
** Do you think they appreciate Lewis's skies-
Do they care if they^ie worked up in stipple or wash P
Do you think it 's the Art (not the money) they prise ?
Simply bosh I"
Outsider.
'* No. They judge not by Art— they judge only by fame ;
And the artist may starve on his poor pallet-bed ;
But their hundreds and thousands tney shower on his name
When he's dead I—
** When the two Greatest Master»-01d Varnish and Time— T I
To his work superfldal beauties hai^y|aaL ^,^^ ^^ ^WLv
Lo behold, they appreciate I Be it so. 1^ O
Quite content."
M4T 4, 1JB96.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
215
A PMEND AT A PINCH.
(An UUm^ylmpaniiU Incident thtavHUneter be ^'Stpartsd.")
ScnnB -A Court of Law. Experienced Couneel argmng
a point in the teeth of hie Lardehip on the Bench.
Hie Zordehip (angrily). No, Mr. BiJ^>fl^ I really cansot
agree with yon. It seema to me that yoa are merely
wasting our time, and no doubt your own.
Experienced Counsel (poUtelif). Not at all, my Lord.
I ecaroely ventore to nrge the great importanoe of the
matter to my olient
Sie Lordship, No doubt; and yoor olient showed
exoellent jndcment in entnuting hu interests to your
hands. Stilllaw is law. and oan never he anything else.
Exp, C. Yoor Lordship ii most kind. But my point,
my Lord, IB so plain— the matter ii so dear. Sorely yonr
Lordship most see it.
JSis fjordship {with much irony). It is my fanlt, no
doubt, Mr. Bands, but as matter d fact your point is
absolutely lost to me. I oonf ess I oannot see it at alL
^cp, C, I would not propose for a moment that your
Lordship*8 judgment ii at fault. But I would yenture to
suggest t^t the atmosi^ere of the Court is suffioiently
dense to cloud the dearest and most brilliant intellect.
His Lordship {tnoOifted). There is a good deal in what
you say, Mr. Bajtds, but of oourse, we must put up with
it. There is no remedy.
Exp, C. With every possible respect to the Bench, my
Lord| I would humbly suggest that there is a remedy.
Hts Lordship, Can you quote a case P
Exp, C, I can, at any rate, refer to an opinion*
Hts Lordship, Has it been reported f
Exp, C. Certainly, my Lord. You will find it in the
Reports of the Hardwioke Sodety. Lord Chief Justice
EnasKLL OF EiLLOwnr has laid it down that snuff is s
most yaluable asslBtanoe to the proper dispensation of
justice. His Lordship has dedared that the inhaling oi
pmared tobacco through the nostrils '* dears the judi-
dai brain, predisposes it to calmness and impartiality,
and enables a learned judge to listen with patience to the
most fluent uid prolific of forensio orators." ^ If ^ your
[Offers snuff-box to the Judge.
taking a mnch), WelL certainhr
the pdot you &aye'ndsed seems dearer to me than it did.
Lardship pleases.
His Lordship (qfler
{Afier a Ifew moments of^ consideration,) I will resenre
the case for further consideration, and will deliyer judg-
ment later.
Exp, C, As your Lordship pleases. I will ask the
usher to hand my authorities to your Lordship.
His Lordship {receiving snuff-box). You are yery
good. I will not oyerlook their assistance in coming to a
oondu»ion. I hope the occasion may neyer arise when I
might be compelled, as the ynlgar tongue expresses it, to
* ' giye you snuff.'' [Scene closes upon muttial courtesies.
"Oh, I 'm olad Toir 'yn got ▲ Piaho nr thb Booms 1 What is it f-—
A Bboadwood f " *' No, Mux. Mtogh'nt 1 "
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FBOM THE DIABT OP TOBT, M.P.
House of Commons f Monday^ April 22.— Easter holidays oyer;
sdiod back ; new master in charge ; ^oces^ of installation a little
lacking in pomp and droumstance. Tlds due in large measure to
incidence oi holiday. At Westminster, as at other schooU, boys
don*t insiit, vi et armis^ on retuminff on the opening day. Wide
gaps on most of the benches ; Front Oppodtion Bench a wilderness,
nbrci Abthtb and all his merrie men abstained from lending to
installation of new Speaker the grace and comfort of their presence.
** It ii quite true, dear boy," ?&niCE Abthitb said, when I gently
hinted that the Lrader of Oppodtion diould haye been present on
such occadon, " that when our man was defeated I said, Mr. William
CousT OuLLT haying been deoted by a msjority of the House, is
ro p r os e ntatiye of the whde Home. But it 's a long name, you know,
and in ordinary practice I must stop short at William. Ton can't
expect me to Coxtst Gitllt."
Amid depresdng droumstances as far as attendance went, new
Speaker bore himself faultlesdy. Quiok-chanffe process watched
with breatblcM interest from Ladies' Gallery, first, Speaker- Elect,
preceded by Mace, entered, attired in Court dress with close-fitting
tN>b-wig. At summons of Black Rod, proceeded to House of Lords :
placed at Bar in custody of Black Rod and Sergeant-at-Arms ; not
eyeo ** accommodated with a chair." There to recdye Hbb MAJBrnr's
sanetion of chdee of Speaker made by Commons. Happened that
ibM Quxnr couldn't come. One of the cloaked and wigged figures
on Wodsadc mentioned the matter in diarmingly casual way.
**It not being oonyenient for Hnt Majsbtt to be personally
it at this tune," said a ycioe which bewrayed the Lobd Cham-
CBLLOB, **a Commission has been issued under the Grand Seal
empowering the Lords named therein to conyey Royal Assent to
Commons' sdection of Si)eaker."
Lord Chaitcxllob quite friendly with Speaker-Elect, whom he
familiarly addressed as ** Mr. Gully." Spoke highly of his talents,
diligence, and suffidency to fulfil imp^tant duties to which it
had pleased majority of Commons to call him. Said he had made
it all right with the QuEior, and that William Coubt might ffo bade
to Commons, and aret about his bosiness. Spbakeb, not to be out-
done in geniality, oegged bis anonymous friend, one of fiye muffied
up in scarlet gowns, in the eyent of any mess bdng made with
matters in the other House, to impute the blame to hm alone, and
let the other f dlows iro soot-free.
Amongst crowd df Commoners dustered behind Spbakxb there
was Bcarcdy a dry eye when this noble sentiment was uttered.
*' Solong I " said the ydcethat was certainly the Lobd Chabckllob^s.
Taking this as hint to retire, Spbakxb withdrew from the Bar, and
left the House ** Without a stain on his character," as the Earl of
CoBK and Obbitby handsomdy said. Returned to Commons in pro-
cession, with Mace liffhtly but firmly carried by Sergeant-at-Arms.
Instead of taking Chair, marched round by passage to the rear,
disappeared from yiew. Consternation in Strangers' Gallery.
**He's bdtedl" one itentleman whispered to his neighbour.
*' Funked it when the mudc stopped and he came to the bosses."
After few moments of growing uneasiness, a fine figure, in fuU-
bottomed wig, silken gown, beneath which sQyer-bud^led dioes
shimmered, emerged frcmi behind Bfbaxeb's Chair, and ses^pd itsdf
init. *'OrderI Order I " said a full, pleasant ydce ; and William
Coxtbt Gullt entered upon what promisea to be a prosperous and
distinguidied career.
2^16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Mat 4, 1895.
Bask tells me that, on going into C<om-
mittee of Snpplv, he intends to more that
henoef orward the gallery oyer the Clock
facing the Chair shall be called ** The
Sp(^6r*s Gullery." Bask always thinks
of the right thing at the right time.
£unnes8 c2one.— New Speaker installs d,
Tuesffav,— The Order by whioh Minis-
ters took Tnesdays haying lapsed, priyate
Members to-night came into their own
again. Always stoutly resist incursion of
greedy Ooyemments on their small posses-
sions. Might reasonably be supposed
that, haying come into their inheritance,
would haye made most of it. Lots of
tldngs to do to-night. Seyeral resolutions
on paper, with Orders of Day to follow.
What happened was that by a quarter to
nine enthusiasm tlnally eyaporated; count
called; only thirty-seyen Members re-
spondod; lights forthwith put out.
Opening d;ebato on Charity Commisnon
certainly a little heayy. Eye ry Member
who got his chance felt it incumbent on
him to speak for at least half an hour.
Some considerably exceeded this limit.
** Parturiuni mantes,^* said Hebbebt
Maxwell, wearily looking, round as
GbIFFITH - BOSGAWEN foUoWCd JOHK
Eujs and Jesse Collikgs succeeded
Fraecis Stbtekson ; " naseitur ridiculus
And so it was. Particular mountain
at work when the mouse appeared was
J. W. J.owTHEB. Mouse entered from
behind Speaker's Chair; leisurely pro-
ceeded along passage between Front Oppo-
sition Bench and table at which J. W. was
Fancy PictureTof Sir Thomas Esmonde bringing forward
Queen]*' lily o' Eillamey " HawaiL
falted by Pbi90E Abthur's empty seat ;
nibbled fibre of matiang in remonstrance at his absence; passed
round fearlessly by J. W.'s heels; sat for moment in full yiew of
House listening attentiyely to J. W.'s argument ; yawned and
sauntered baisk the way it came. Interest in debato eyidently keener
than that of ayerage Member. As soon as AcLAin>'s yoioe reyer-
berated t^irough almost empty Chamber, mouse obseryed strolling
back along familiar way ; toit^ ito seat on floor under shadow of Mace
in defian'w of all Parliamentary rule ; followed Aclakb's argument
with eyidently keen interest Interrupted b^ approach of Richabd
Texple. Quickly looking up and catching si^ht of his stately figure „ , ^ ._ _^ .
bowing to Speaeer, mouse fled like the wind« m its terror making off in ten minutes/' walked out. House counted ; only twenty-fiye
by Tr^uiury Bench, finally escaping by another exit.
*' Coffitato^** said HERBERt Maxwell, ▼ho breakfasts
morning off a plato of porridge and a page of Plahtits, —
" C«»gitato, mus puiillus quam tit sapiens bestia,
^tatem qui mii cubili nunquam committit suam.*'
eyery
BimneM rfone.— Pension of
Wellesley Peel, lato Speaker.
£4,000 a year yoted to Aethttr
Thur9day,^kSi very well far gBj jcfong
Irish baitmet like Esuoedx to efaaapion
cause of errant Ctueens throned in summer
s<As. Expected other things from The
MacOregor. House quito shocked when
be intorp'^sed just now. Eskoebe asked
Edward Grit whether Gbyemment oonld
do anything to obtain proper treatment for
Queen of HawaiL Before Under Secre-
tary could r^y, The MacGrsoor, sud-
denly leaping across dyke as it were, in-
terposed. **As I happen to know the lady
who was formerly Queen of Hawaii." said
The MacGrsoor, and so Droceeded to
back up Eshovde's plea. Offhiand way
in which reference was made suirgeeted
illimitable possibilitiea, TheMacGrsgor
just ^happened to know" this Queen,
probably one of a beyy. On some quiet
niirht House might hope to hear pKper
TPtA by The MacGregor on ** Queens I
Haye Known."
Sark curiously anxious as to where the
acquaintance was made, ard how it waa
nurtured. Did The MacGregor yaeoi-
nato Her Majesty whilst he^ still injnildie
capacity, sojoumed at Pennth P Waa she
an inmate of Peebles Hydropathic Insti*
tuto what time he was rendent physidan P
or did he minister to her at the Bamhill
Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow, of whidi,
before he took to Imperial politics, he was
superintendent ? Plea«anter still to tliink
of The MacGregor and the Qneen with
the musical name wandering hand in hand
amid the orange groyes of sea-ffirt Hawaii,
breakfastins: on Oie bountiful bread-fruit,
lunching off the succulent yam. Did he
in those days call her so much as Lilixio^
KALAFi ? or did he yenture on the dimi-
nutiye LiLiP Sark had better rive
notice of these questions. Bimnesa done,— FreAi Ministerial Bills
brougbt in with both hands.
JrMay.— Another priyato Members* nieht, and, by conseauence,
another count out. Things kept going till a quarter to eight, but
only with utmost difficulty. Meinbers consented to stay in prospeet
of diyirion on Albert Rolltt's motion protesting against exemp-
tion of Goyemment property from rating. But they would not longer
linger. When Lubbock followed, with proposal of pleasant ehat
about London's share of imperial contribution to local purposes, the
few remaining Members, yainly trring to look as if they 'd be ** bade
present, and so home to dinnerc
" Yes, yes." said Walter Long, left in charge of Front Opposi-
tion Bench, *' but this won*t preyent us on Monday, when Squire of
Malwoob proposes to take Tuesday and Friday mornings for public
business, stubbornly resisting piratical incursion on the rignta of
priyato Members. Whateyer we are, let us be logical."
Bu9me88 <j(me.^Ministerial defeat <m RoLLiT*8 amendment ayerted
by majority of one.
THE BATTLE OP EASTBOURNE.
Nstis in ufum IsBtitisB ro^is
Pugnare Enstbourai est.
Ho&ACB {»l%ghtly emendtd).
It is not the F^ngli^h nature, but the English dimato that makes
us take our pleasures sadly (if we do, which we don't). And it is not
the fault of the Bnglish nature, but of the organisers, if our public
pagcanto are usually, like our statues, more or less good-humoured
burlesques of what they are meant to represent. Now JBastbonme has
triumphantly shown liiat, in spito of chilling and heayy rain, England
can nyal the sunny South in the beauty and yariety of a big pro-
cession of floral cars. And if Eastbourne can do this, why oan it not
b<) done elsewhere F ** Organise, organise, organise," and let the
hireling merrymaker be conspicBously absent. Your hireling will
still wear Ids armour as if he were bearing the spoUa opitna of a
burgled marine-store dealer. And the lady nireling, as a sea-nymph
or a shepherdess, can neyer quite forget what she owes to herdi^ty
as a respectable married woman. Li the interests of the family ex-
chequer, and in the way of business, she may consent to dally with
alle^ry, but her heart is not in the mermaid's grot, nor do the
spamoijui times of Great Elizabsth iospire her^ beyond the Victorian
oirous-smile, the droiis-Bmile which puto a girdle round about the
face for forty nunutes, or more if the prooesfion be so hmf^ arfield.
At the Eastbonxne Battle of Flowers eyeryone liyed up to his or her
ooach, carrisge, wheel-barrow or cart, in a way which speaks
volumes for the artistic sense of the South Saxons. The children, aa
children use, took the cake— after Mr. Edgar Brucb. They were
there in great numbers and yariety, from the little TUania in her
fairy goat-chaise, o*er canopied with flowers and flying doyes, to the
yery small skipper of the yery realistic ship, who stood on the rainy
deck with drawn sword and unswerying dignity for some two hours
of constant and crowded parading. ** Brayo, Burfabt," is the re-
sultant cry oigratified spectators, and bettor weather next time, A
better show it would be ungrateful to suggest.
XJmra Khan's Consigrne.
Whrn headstrong chieftains say " I shan't,"
Or do the things they 're bidden not to.
Like UiQLA Khan (now Uxra can't).
They '11 flnd ** non poswrnus** their motto.
Agricultural Prohpbcts.— The Kent farmers are looking forward
a ho ' .. - - .
hoppyl
to a hoDf»y future. '* What's the odda" to eA«m "as long as they 're
*'A *Fklt' WAirr."-A ocmifortable and re^eetabb^kNkisg
billyoodk hat. '-/lym^cru uy ^«w_^ '*^_/' -*._>' ^^fv-.
Mat U, 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
217
"BRAINS FOR CASH."
[<• The unlnridled greeduMM of lome
mnthon ** - Mr. Ooftss.!
PubUfher (nertmuli/). And
wliat will your terms be for a
abort Ktitry/in ^our bei>t style P
Author (hftUy), I have only
one ^tyle, ai d that is perfection.
I eoaldn't think of charging less
than fifty guineas a pa«re.
PuhlUher {aghast). Fifty
guineas a page I But are you
aware that Lwd Macattlat got
only ten thouf^andforthe whole of
his history, and that Milton —
Author (rudely). Hang Macau-
I.AT and MutonI Snrely you
would not compare those seoond-
rat« writers with myself/ If
they were content to work for
atarration wages, I am not.
Publisher. But, say your story
runs to twenty pages, as it pro-
bably will, I shall haye to pay
you for that <me short tale the
really ridiculous sum of a thou-
sand pounds I
Author (coolly). Yes, it is rather
ridiculous— ridiculously small, 1
mean. Still, out of regtud to your
pr(d[et, I am willing to accept
that inadequate remuneration. Is
itabar^?
Pubksheriunth a yroan). It
must be. The public demandf*
TOUT woric, and we have no option.
But allow me to remark that your
I policy is
Author igailff). A Policy of As-
surance, on wmch you hare to pay
the premium. Ha, ha I
A YxAX OH Two Latik.
Author (deferentially). I baye
a really capital idea for a work vA
fiction, on a subject which I be-
Here to be quite original What
—ahem I— are you prepared to
offer for the copyright P
Publisher. Couldn't think of
making an offer till we saw the
work. It might turn out to be
worth nothing at alL
Author. Nothing at alll Bat
you for^t how my fame
Pubksher. Disappeared when
we were obliffed to charge the
pablie six shillings for a story of
yours about the size of an average
tract Other writers have come
'^o the front, you know. Still, if
"Thb Fbmalb Ostrich at thb Zoo is dbad.**
there's anything in your novel,
when it's finished, we should, I
dareftav, be prepared to offer you
a couple of guineas down, and a
couple more when— say- a thou-
sand copies had been sold. Is it
a bargain P
Author (sadly). I suppose it
must be! Yet 1 can haraly be
said to be paid for my work.
Publisher. Perhaps not. But
you can be said to be paid out !
THE STREETS OF LONDON.
The stately streets of London
Are always " up" in Spring,
To ordinary minds an ex-
-traordinary thing.
Then cabs across strange ridgee
bound.
Or sink in holes, abused
With words resembling not, in
sound.
Those Mrs. HmcAKSused.
The miry streets of L(mdon,
Dotted with lamps by night :
What pitfalls where the dazzled
Sees doubly ruddy li^ht I [eye
For in the season, just in May,
When many meetings meet.
The jocund vestry starts away.
And doses all the street
The shut-up streets of London I
How willingly one jumps
From where one's cab must stop,
through pools
Of mud, in dancing pumps I
When thus one skips on miry ways
One's pride is much decreased,
like Mrs. Oilpin^s. for one's
** chaise"
Is * * three doors off " at least.
The free, fair streets of London I
Long, lonff, in vestry hall,
Mayheadsof native thickness rise.
When April showers fall ;
And green for ever be the men
Who spend the rates in May,
By stopping all the traffic then
In such a jocose way I
Im Bloom.— On Saturday last
there was a letter in the Daily
Ttlearaph headed *' Trees for
Londoners." The le««ee and
manager of the Haymarket
Theatre thinks that for Lon-
doners two Trees are quite suffi-
cient, t>. his wife and nimself.
THE DRINK QUESTION.
First Man. What rot it is to keep this tax on beer I
Second Man. Well, it's better thim spirits, anyhow.
Firsi Man. Of course you say that as you 've got those shares in
that DistiUery Company.
Second Man. Well, you needn't talk, with your Aluopp
Debentures.
Firsi Man. Gome to that, personally I take no interest in beer.
It*8poisnu tome.
Second Man, It's the finest drink in the world. I never touch
spirits.
First Man. They *re much more wholesome. I wonder what the
Government will do about Local Yeto and Compensation. I suppose,
as I 'm a Liberal
Second Man, Si am L But I respect vetted intereets. Now, in
theory, teetotalism, especially for the masses
First Man. Waiter, bring me a whiskey and soda.
Second Man. And bring me a glass of nttter.
First Man. Ai^ for Wii^JTRin LAW^oir, he 's an utter
Second Man. Oh, Wilfbid Lawbon I He 's a downright
lTheydrink--not Sir WuniD's health.
VOL. OfULL 1
THE LOSS OF THE GALLERY.
(A FragmmU from the Chronicles of St, Stephen's.)
**Bi7T must I give up this comfortable furniture P" asked the
poor person, looking at the venerable chairs, some of which were
distinctly ricke^.
'* You must, indeed," replied firmly, but still with a certain tender-
ness, the stem officiaL
''But I can nearly hear what they are saying," urged the fair
petiti<mer.
"I cannot help it."
'* And a^ but see them," and onceagain she peered throui^hthegrille.
"I am fomd to obey my orders," returned the offidaL ^' You
applauded. You clapped your hands- and you must retire."
'^And for that httle Surst of enthusiasm," almost wept the
person, "I am to bse all this happinessi To be stopped from hearing
an indistinct murmur, seeing a blurred picture, resting on rickety
seats, and breathing a vitiated atmospherel Am I to lose o^ these
comforts and pleasures and advantages P "
" I am*afraid to," was the answer. And then the official opened
the door ot the Ladies' Gallery f . the House of Commons, andxthe
person passed out. ^yu^cu uy ^^^ ^ ^^ ..^
ns
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAWVAItt.
PIAT 11, 1890.
ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
Lord W-U-l^ (to Oornmirndtr-im-OM^ "Ik SmBian I havb to Bxrira fbom kt OouMxpt^
i)Mi». "Dux ul Zhatkn'tI"
Digitized
TyTjQogle
Hat 11. 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
U9
ATX THE DIFFESENCS.
SMNiOMMt prior es t Bnde Bads, and aome
Toriea,
Would make that apidy to mere maimar of
exit.
If tha «* Spirit of Eld" ia in diaigo ol im
Why wantonly TCK it P
Tliat Spirit of Eld ia tha ** note" of our on.
Grand old men— and womoii— at boaaing
arelnuy.
Youth? Btoffl Callow yoath waa indeed
theohimera
Qf dandyiah Diasr.
But that waa when Don, himaelf youngs
andeorly—
Waa YiTiAS^ Gbxt^ not the Primioae
Damea* darling.
The Great Eari himaeli did not dominate
early.
Oh« oat on aoeh anarling I
Old waya, and old winea» and old warriora
forever!
(Or, if not for ever, a whaeldng hig alioe
of it)
Great Beskx. inm lerYioe 'twere folly to
Whilst winning the prioe of it.
Betirement ia not your true miUUUrt^$ yirtae ;
To **heat the retreat" irkana all, dnkea
OT drnmmera.
Let IHnter hold away, then— it eannot much
hurt you—
For— aay d^— more aommera I
Tme HAinnBAL, Giaioir nx Fodc, Aua-
AJsrnsR,
Nafoubov, Dov John, the Gbsat Covni,
andCoBTis
Were typee of the trae,adoleBoentoommander,
And swayed ere their forties.
Stfll, they were god-loved and died yoong,
like oar Bidkxt,
Bat Genios ia versatile, Nature is varioaa :
All heroea are not of the same «*kiddiah'^
kidney.
Ask— say— Bbubabius I
To grndge him hia olxdua (" aorew " aa tr<
name it)
Beeaoae he has drawn it a few year*— aay
fifty-
If Bads had a oonsdenoe at all. Sir, would
shame it!
Bat Bads are fo— thrifty !
For fellows like WoiaKLBT or Bobsbts, re-
tirement
Is aU very wdU; they've no call for to
stop, Sir.
Bat oh ! for an Army the master requirement
Is grey hairs— a-top. Sir !
NINETY TEABI
f " In the retrospect of ninety yean there ii a
patlietic mixture of gratitude for ample opportu-
nitiei, and humiliation for insi^ficant per-
formances.*' — J)r, Jamea Martmemt. on his
NiHsliea Birthd0^,]
Am- Thacoeeat'8 " Age of WisdomJ*
Ho ! petty prattler of sparkling sin,
Paradox-monger, slave of the queer I
All your wish is a name to win.
To shook the dullards, to saok the tim—
Wait till you oome to Ninety Tear I
Curled lodka oover vour shallow brains.
Twaddle and tinJue is all your cheer.
Siekly and sullied vour amorous strains,
Pe«uiist praters of fended pains,—
What do you think of ihi$ Ninety Tear f
FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.
JMinaoii, "Will, old Ohap, bow nm tov slkkp last Nioht? "
Smith {who had dined out). " 'Likb a Top.' As soov as kt Hxad tovghid tmi
Pillow, it wiirr aouin> and bound I "
Ninety times over let May-day pass
(If you should live, which yoa won't I
fear).
Then yoa will know that yoa were bat an
ass.
Then yoa will shudder and moan, ** Alas I
Would I had known it some Ninety
Tear!"
PUd^ him round I He's a Man, I dedare ;
His heart is warm, though his hair be
grey.
Modest, as though a reocnd so fair,
A brain so big, and a sool so rare,
Were a mere matter of every day.
His eloquent lips the Truth have kissed.
His valiant eyes for the Bight have shone.
Pray, and listen— 'twere well you list-
Look not away lest the ohanoe be missed.
Look on a Man, ere your ohanoe be gone I
Mabtinbait lives, he's alive, he's here!
He loved, and married, seventy yean^ syne.
Look at him, taintless of fraud or fear.
Alive and manful at Ninety Tear,
And blash at your pitiful peasimist whine!
Hamlbt {atnended by Lord Farrar),
my mind's eye, ratio! "
}^^k
MO
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
IMat 11, 1896.
FIRST IMPrtESSIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
No. 436. The Preddent andJMr. Mtrki, B.A., aa teen tt a long range.
r
No. 147. AFather'aCnai!
No. 39. Bray oa the Thamea. By
T. Sidney Cooper, B.A.
No, 321. '* Tou should aee us danoe the
Pole-ka ! ** By Arthur Wardle.
^^f^
3i^^."i==
^
■■ : =_
'^m
^^^^
A
No. 91. Glouoeitenhire "Colts'* at practioe. New left-
handed bowler promises^irell.^ By.G^rge Clausen, A R A.
No. 195. AlQmuggled up ! The
President ia compelled^r to
tconomisejspaoe^
Ne.l72. CouldnH'e Pad-
more f By John 8. Sar-
gent, A.H.A.
A. R. AT THE R. A.
.(/.«., A^fiepreseniUUive at the Royal Aeademf/,)]
AKToms arriTinK at Burlington floase so early|a8 togbe the first person to pav
hii money and take his choice, will probably look straight before him, and will
feel somewhat confused at seeing in the distance, but exaotly opposite him, a
dignified figure wearing a chain of office, poUUij^ rising to receiye the early
Tintor. **It can be no other than the President himself.'* will at once occur to
the stranger within the gates ; " and yet, did I not hear tnat he was abroad for
the benefit of his health ? *^ Then, just as he is about to bow his acknowledg-
ments of the courtesy extended to mm personally by the Chief Representative
of Art in this country, he will notice seated, at the President's left hand, and
staring at him, with a pen in his hand, ready either to take down the name of
tbe Tisitor, or to make a sketch of him, a gentleman in whose lineaments any-
one having the pleasure of being personally acqu^ted with Mr. t^ACT Ma&is,
E.A., would at once recognise thooe of that diitiuguished humourist in bird-
painting. ** Is there wisions about f " will the puzzled visittir quote to himself,
and then boldly adyanoing. hat in hand, to be s^n replaced on head, he will
come face to face with the biggest picture in the Academy, covering almost the
entire walL
The stately figure is not Sir Fbkdsbic Lkightov, P.R.A., who unfortunatelj
has been compeUed to go abroad lor the benefit oi his health—j^ron^ .'—nor is
the seated figure Mr. B. Mabxs ; but the former is '* The BUrgermeUter of
Landtherg^ Bavaria^* and the latter is his secretary, while the other figures, ail
likenesses, are ** his Town Council " in solemn deUberative assembly. The picture,
an admirable one, and, as will be pretty generally admitted, a masteriaece of the
master's, is No. 436 in the book, the work of Meister Hubxbi Hxbxokss, £.A. ^,
^ But as this is in Gallery No. VI., and as it is not ever> one who mill be
No. 603.
Portrait of
his oane is jade-d !
Sargent, A.B.A.
How lonff! ho'
a blase youth.
longT*
ATesi
By John 8.
No. 277. The9.0.M.at(
By T. Graham.
Mat 11, 1896. J
PXJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
tti
aay
priTileredito^ tee the pietare as the early bird has seea it, and as
some f ew j others may, perhaps, . see it during the season, this
Bepretentatiye retraoes his steps ;from No. YL, and oommenees
d$ novo with No. I. ;
No. 17. '' Finan Haddie'^linAi as ever 'oan^ht by^. G. Hook,
&.A.; i Title, of ooorse, shoold haTe]been *' Finan Haddie Hook'dJ'
Sir] John Mill^is* St. Stephen {not a parliamentary snbjeot),
showing that Good Sir Jomr*8 hand has lost none of its canning,
is No. 18; and after bowing politely to Mrs. Jomrsov-FsBGirsov,
and pausing before this oharminjr piotore by Lttkb Fildss, R. A.jto
take a last Lnke at her. yon will pass on, pltase, to No. 25, ** The
Fisherman and the Jm,^* and will wonder why Yal. C. Pbivssp, R. A.,
spells the cordial spirit with a ** J " instead of a **G." It b a
spirited composition.
No. 31. Mr.JoH]rS.SABftSNT,A.,let*'3fr«.J5h»M<J5raZ9"goont
of his studio in a hurry. She is eyidently ** to be finished in his next."
No. 34. '* A Quiet lUheareal.** Lady Amateur all alone, book in
hand, to which she is not referring, trying to remember her part and
y it off by heart Itisbv W.B.Richmofd, A. To ouote a cigarette
iper, this work may be nirly entitled ** A Bivhmond Gem.'*
No. 43. '' JBvenmaJ' By B. W. Ludeb, A. Delightful
Artistic aspirants in this line cannot play a better game than that of
'* Follow my Leader."
This Representatiye recoffnised ** Dr. Jameeon^ C.B.^** by
HsBKOiCEB, at a glance. If you are asked by anyone to look at
** Haf/ Boat,^^ do not correct him and say ** You mean A Boat,"
or you will find yourself in the wrong boat, but admire Htlda
MoMTAXBA*8 painting, and pass on to Oulsbs, R.A.'s, excellent
portrait of '*/. /. AuberUn^* (a compound name, whose first two
syllables suggest delightful music while the last syllable means
money) ; thence welcome our old friend Fbteh. R. A. , who, in 67, [and
a trifle over, oh H shows us '' Mre. Oreeham ana Her JaUU Daughier"
From the ^'little D.'s" expressiye face may be gathered that she
has just receiyed a *' Gresham Lecture." After noting No. 73 and 83
(the unhappily separated twins) together, you may Lm on No. 126.
Two fieroe animals deer-stalking in a wild mountainous region,
nainted by Asthua Wabdlb. Oily from what coign of yantage^
Mr. Wabbls, the artist, make this life-like sketch f Howeyer, he
came out of the difficulty safe and sound, and we are as glad to
welcome a ** Wardle " as we should be to see his andent associate
•* Pickwick,'' or a " Weller,'' in Burlington House.
No. 139. Charming is Sir F. LEieHTOv's ** Fair One teith the
Golden Locke.'' To complete the picture the hairdresser should haye
been thrown in. She is en peignoir, and eyidently awaiting his yint.
This is the key to these looks.
No. 242. Mr. Avdbsw C. Gow, R.A., giyes us Bvovapisti riding
on the sands with a party of officers^ *' 1805 " The Emperor is cantering
ahead of the staff. Anomer title might be ** Ooing Nap at Boulogne.''
No. 160. *' A Lion Tamer' $ Private Reheareal.^ But Bbitov
RiyiEBB, R.A., calls it '* Phcthue Apollo."
No. 251. Queer incident in the hfe of a respectable middle-aged
gentleman. like Mr. Pickwick, he has mistaken his room in the hotel,
andhasffonetobed. Suddenly, lady, in brilliant diamond tiara, returns
from ball, and finds him there. The noise she makes in opening the
curtains awakes him. He starts up alarmed. *' Hallo I" heories,uid
for the moment the ballad of **Margarefs Orim Ohoste " recurs to
his mind. His next thought is, '* How fortunate I went to bed in my
copper-coloured p) jamas, with a red oummdrbund round me." Cn
course he apologieed, and withdrew. What happened subsequent!/
is not reyealed by the artist who has bo admurably depicted this
effectiye scene, and whose name is Sir Jomr Millais, Bart., R.A.
No. 368. Excellent likeness, by Mr. Asthur S. Copb, of the well-
known and popular panon RooxBS. A Parsona Chrata. Thxa
typical old fashioned English clergyman, who, in ordinary ministerial
functions, would be the yery Isist person to be associated with a
** chasuble," will henceforth neyer be dissociated from a *' Copb."
No. 491. A picture hj Mr. Fbkd Rob. If Nelsoit's enemies had
only known of this incident in his lifetime 1 1 Here is our great
nayal hero, eyidently *'half seas oyer," being personally conducted
through some by- streets of Portsmouth, on Lis way back to the
Victory, in order to ayoid the crowd. Rather a hard Rox, this.
No. 767. Congratulations to T. B. ExKNiNexoH on his ' * Alderman
Oeorffe Doughty, J, P.," or, as the name might be from the charac-
teristic colouring. Alderman DxoBoie Gk)TrHTT, which is quite in
keeping with the proyerMal aldermanic tradition.
A Lutlb Mdlsd. — in its account of the priyate yiew at the Royal
Academy the DaUy News says:-** The Countess of Malmbsbu&t
studied the sculpture in a harmonious costume of striped black and
pink, and a picture hat trimmed with pink roses." This is pre-
sumably the result of the influence of Mr. Hobslkt. But isn't it
going a littie too far. at least to begin with f A pieoe of sculpture—
say, a Yenus— in a harmonious costume of striped black and pink
aught pass. But the addition of a pietore hat trimmed with pink
roses is sorely fiitaL
^^
A NASTY ONE.
Disgusted Sculptor. "So Tou'yx oot thb Ldtx ih Two PlaoisI
■▲yS TOU f HaKO MX IV I don't QtVM UP AkT, and 00 IN FOB
PAIHTIlfOl'*
AT THE BANQUET, SATURDAY, MAY 4.
Chair of absent President ably filled by Sir Jomr Millais, who,
pluckily struggling against eyidently painful hoarseness, made, in
returmng thanJu^ an exceptionaUy graceful, tou^ '
, „ ^, and altogether
memorable speech. Oda to note that, had Sir JoHir, speaking
hoarsely, broken down, we should haye heard his rempla^ant
Horsley speating. The incident, howeyer, which will mark this
banquet as unique in Academical records^ was Sir John's mistaking
one Archbishop for the other, and, in consequence, pleasantiy indi-
cating by a poute bow to the prelate on his left, that he called upon
him. the Archbishop of York, to reply for the yiaitors. ** York,
you^re wanted." said, in effect, the genial Sir John, utterly ignoring
the presence ot His Grace of Cantrrburt. Whereupon, Uaitteb-
BURT collapsed, while the Northern Primate, yainly attempting to
dissemble his delight, professed his utter surprise, nis total uutoc-
paredness, and straigntforth hastened to imnroye the occasion. But
before fifty words had passed the jubilant Prelate's lips. Sir John,
haying discoyered his mistake, rose quickly in his stirrups, so to
speak, and pulled up the impetuous York just then getting into his
stride. Genially homing on the slighted Cantrrburt, Sir John
called on **The Primate <3 All Engknd" (a snub this for York) to
return thanks. ** One Archbishop yery like another Archbishop,''
chuckled the unabashed Sir John to himself, as he resumed his seat,
** but quite forgot that York as Chaplain to Academy is * His Grace
ft«/ors dinner,' and Cantrrbitrt represents * Grace qfter dinner.' "
** 'Twas oyer thus," muttered Yorx, moodily eyeing the last dro^ in
his dhampagne-glass, as he mentally recalled ancient ecclesiastical
quarrels between the twoproyinees, from which the Southern Prelate
had issued yictorious. Cantrrbttrt flattered, but, fluttered, lost
his chance. His Royal Highness's speech brief, com^rehensiye,
effectiye. Lord Rosrbrrt entertaining. ** The rest is silence," or
better if it had been. No more at present. Good luck to the
Academy Show of 1895. ^lym^cu uy ^*i*_^ "^.-^ '^..^ jl i.-^^
232
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON OHABIVABL [Mat ir im. \
COLD COMFORT!
AwU FhdUida, "The last Tin I wxnt to a obowk-up Fanot Ball. I wxnt as a Wasp, That was only Tnr Tiabs ago.
I don't srPPOSB I SHALL XYBK AGAIN 00 TO A FANOT BaLL AS A WASP T* i9igh9 dMfH^*
Mary, '',Hardlt AS A Wamp^ Aunt Philuda. But tov 'd look ybbt splendid as a Buxblh-Beh I "
THE UP-TO-DATE DUCKLINGS.
{AFMe.)
A Duck that had lately snooeeded in hatoh-
ing a fine l^nwd of dneklinff s, and was muoh
oonoemcd on the point of tneir polite educa-
tion, took them down to the riTer one day in
order to teaoh them to swim.
'* See, my dears!" she said when they were
all got to the hank, addresdng her bh)od in
encouraging accents, ** this is the way to do
it," and so saying the old duck pushed off
from the land, in eyident expectation tiliat
heryoung ones would follow her.
The Ducklings, however, instead of coming
after their mother, remained on the hank, talk-
ing and laughing and whispering among them-
senres in a yerv knowing manner : until at
last the old bird, i^yokea by their levity and
wondering what uled them, called out sharply
to them nom mid-stream to come into the
water at once ; upon which one of tiie Duok-
linffs, who had evidently been constituted
sj^esman for the rest, made bold to address
his mother in the following words.
** You must be a simpleton indeed. Madam."
said he, ** to imanne that we are going to do
anything so foolish as to endanger our lives in
the reckless fashion in which you are now ex-
posing yours ; for though it mav be true that
in obedience to some unwritten law of nature
(unknown at present to us) you are floating
securely upon the surface of the stream, in-
stead ox sinking to the bottom of it, yet it bv
no means follows from thence that we should,
do the same thing, supposingwe were so foolish
as to follow your example. JElest assured, dear
ICadam," continued the Duckling, **that so
soon as we have sifted this matter to the
bottom ixtt ourseLves, we shall act on the know-
ledge of it, aocQrding as our experience may
suggest to us; but for the p resen t, at any rate,
we prefer to remain where we are."
Ajid so saying, the Duckling, aooon^iNmied
hj the rest of the brood, turned his back on
his natnrisl element, and retomed forthwith
to the poultry-yard.
A PHILISTINE P.EAN;
Or, Th$ Trivmpk of ike Timid One.
At last! I see signs of a turn in the tide,
And 0, 1 perceive it with infinite gratitude.
No more need I go with a crick in my side
In attonpts to preserve a non-natural atti-
tude.
Something has changed in the season, some-
where;
I 'm sure I can feel a cod whiff of fresh air I
Mental malaria worse than the grippe
Has asphyxiated my mind, or choke-damped
it. [my lip ;
The plain honest truth has been strange to
I've shammed it, and fudged it, hum-
bugged it and vamped it
Till I wasn't I, self-respect was all gone.
And I hadn't ataste that I dared oallmy own.
I do not love horror. I do not like muck ;
And mystical muddle to me is abhorrent.
In Stysian shsllows long time I have stuck,
Or, like a dead dog on a sewage-fouled
torretit^
Have gone with the stream ; but beyond tiie
least doubt
I 'm grateful— so much— ior a chance to creep
out.
Bgomania it seems then is no< the last word
Of latter-day wisdom I Bv Jove I am glsdl
I idways did feel it was highly absurd
To worship the tnaiMJltw^ and aim at w
mad;
And now^ there 's a dhanoe for the desent
One may rSiah one's Dickxhs, yet not saoa
insane I
The ghoulish-giotesque, and the griay-
obscure,
I have tried to glodt on in poem and proMi
Butoh I all tiiewhOe there seemed sometluaf
impure
In the miff of tiie tiling that tormsntedny
nose: ,
And as to £Dgfa Art— well, to me it seemed
Like an over-hung hare^Honly food for the fly*
YetJdidn'tdaresaytiiatlfeltittobe .
PseudoHvh^budan fudge, and sheer Bebsl
bosh;
Or that after Art-babble at five o'doek tea,
I felt that the thing I most oraved was-a
wash *
Because in tiie view <xf the Mystical School,
That would just write you down a men
Philistine fooL
ite understand
all our lidi
I am not qmte sure that I
How they've suddenly
are degenerate j
Why MAKTKBLDrCK, iBSBir, YxSLAI]a,fliBAH
0]uin>,
Toiffroi,eBA]lTA£Lmr,ZoL4,aie"faimpid
I know
—but, at an^ rate,
rw I'm relieved
horn one henille
bore,—
I need not admire what I hate offlL^gy*'
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARXTABL— Mat 11, 1896.
SIVA IN Sc.
THE BIEMINGHAM BENEDICK.
Mb. J.8-PH Ch-mb-bl-^ [m ''Benedick'']. "DOTH NOT THE APPETITE CHANGE P A MAN LOVES THE MEAT
IN HIS YOUTH THAT HE CANNOT ENDURE IN HIS AGE. . . . WHEN I SAID I WOULD DIE AN INDEPENDENT
BADICAL, I DID NOT THINK I SHOULD LIVE TO BE ALLIED WITH A TORY PARTY."
Jfueh Ado About Nothmg, Act U., So. 3 {9Ughily '* modified'').
Digitized by
Google
Mat 11, 1SM.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
236
'.MURIOLANUS THE CHEF, OPENS THE OPERATIC PIE.
'^iWhUT THB PiB ITAS OPBW
ThB BmDl BBOAN TO BIKO."
BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
Br DvKHO Wahbiab.
{TramMltUedfirom the origiiuU Lappish fry Mr. F%meh's <nm
Hypttbcrtan BnUMuiad.)
No. IV.— 810F8 Ain) W0VDXB8.
I^aiT on the beaoh one forenoon in midsommer. A great number
of people were doing mach the same. The rhapeodists and orators,
the blameless Bthioinans with their barbario instruments of mnsio,
the itinerant magicians with their wands, the statuesque groups
poeed before the tripod of the photographer, the snow-white sea-
ehariots with crimson wheels, the Mre-legged riders on antique
steeds^made me fancy I was gazing at a scene of Southern Hellenio
life, why I know not^for it was not in the least like.
Then I saw an enormous black hand stretch down over the fjord.
I wis not alarmed, for 1 am becoming acouitomed to H>P<^tions of
this kind.
wa^ plastered with tablets.
And on all things had the New Lawffiver incised in letters of gold
and azure and purple upon shining tables the new commandments :
'* Use Sk&uerskjin^s Soap I " ; ** Try Tommeliden Tonic I " : '* Buy
Boompyiflr's Pills I " ; '' Ask for Baldersen's Hairwash ! ''
And I heard the Yoice of the wild waves saying, as they lapped up
over the cheap sandshoes and saturated paper bags full of ginger-
bread nuts :
^ *' This is the new moral law. That men should cherish the out-
side and insides of their bodies, and keep them clean, like precious
▼essels of brass and copper. Kather to let the picturesque perish
than forget for a moment lihich is the best soap for the complexion,
and which will not wash dothes. NcTcr to see a ship spreading her
canTas like a sea bird without associations of a Arifying Saline
Draught or a Belishing Pickle. To ask and see that le procure I "
Then I locked into the heayens aboTe me, and behold, high above
the esplanade hun(( a hand, enormous as the one that had set its
marks on everything bebw, but white, white ; and it hdd a brudi
and wrote untalthe sky was full of signs, and they had form and
oolonr, but not of thb world, and Ihote who ran could read them.
And I bought a shell-box and a bath bun, and dosed my eyes, and
lay musing in an agony of souL Suddenly I f dt the pain snap, and
something grow in me, and I saw in my soul's dawning the great
haH-opened shell of a strange oyster.
Ana this oyster has its oed on m^ very heart, and it is my salt
tears that nourish it, and it growi^tfituls, invisible to all but me. I
But I know tha^ when the oyster opens, I shall find within its
shell, like a gleaming dove-cdoured pearl, the greatlPanaoea of th e
To Be; and, if vou ask me to explain my meaning more fully, I
reply that tiie Dcarings of this bund allcHrory lie in ihe application
thei^, and that ye are a blow-fly brood of dull-witted hucksters.
A FIBST STEP
TOWAEDS HISTRIONICS.— II.
(Under ths guidance of Herr Ooetheffumn^)
QuetHoner. You were good enough to promise me at our next
meeting a specimen of the Author-publishers dnunatic manner.
Answer. With pleasure. I will read it to you.
*' jiftertioon, Tivo-pair sulmrban hack. Upright piano. High-
minded t4ible. HxirBT {dramatic author and host) under it^ heavy
ic»th wine, Boiuo {his friend and Town Blood) communing with
M^HT AvK (local ingSnue). EliZA (her sister and hostess) outside
f'tst note, making coffee. She will come in presently, and realise
Dkamatic Mombnt.
Mary Ann, Get up, Henry, and give us a regular dd rousing
tune.
Henry (huskily^ emergtngfrom retreat). What shall it be F
Itomeo, Oh, anything. WAeiixR for choice.
lOifted musician ohUges with a pot pottrrt of * Parstfal^*
BoMSO absently whistling the trombone part,
Mary Ann, BippingI Now somethiuflr dasucal. Let's have
* After the BaU,^ Come on, RoMSO, we*ll waltz; push bade the
fin -place. (They push back the fire-place: Romjbo grasps ICabt
Ami, and they revolve. He kisses her on the cheek L. c.) Well, I
never did I ror shame! I dc dine to dance with you. There I
IDecUnes to dance with him,
Henry, One for voti, my buck ! Cheer up, Mabt Ahh ; I '11 give
you a turn. iPirouettes twice with her. humming suitable air,
Mary Ann (rendered completely breathisss). It's not like real
dancing when vou only hum I
henry, Can^t play and dance at same time, you know. Piano too
stationary. So you must take Romso on again, or go without.
Blita (entering with coffee-tray and realising sUuation), Wdl, I
declare I Having high jinks while I was making the coffee. What
dramatic irony I
[RoMXO gallantly invites her to join the giddy throng. They
dance,
Elita (rendered completely breathless). My soul I I'm in bad
training!
Mary Ann (having got her second wind). Have a turn with me,
EuzA I RoMXO 's no good ; he misses out every other bar.
Bliza. Want my coffee. No wind left
[Heitkt spontaneously sinas a LuUahy of Bbahhs'. Stops in
middle to see what they all think of it. They all think
a lot of it. Goes on singing. Only xojzl goes on thinking
a lot of it. Others talk quite loud, Rombo being a Town
Blood, 'HxsJiT finishes, under conviction that they have no
manners to speak of. Mind wanders off to the leading lady
in his new piece, and he drops inadvertently into ' liaisy '
waltz, Eliza waits for second ufind, Bombo grapples wtth
Mabt Ahv, the latter reluctant. She is rapt away in mazy
whirl^ kicking feebly. He again kisses Ker on the cheek,
this tsme B. c
BUza, Man! I saw you! It was a wanton act
Henry (casually). Anything broken ?
Bliza, Oh, HsjTBT ! Me went and kissed my Mabt Ahv, my own
sister!
Borneo {,with easy bravado), A mere nothing, I assure you. She 's
so provoking, don*t you know ? Had to do it in self-defence.
£liza. It u contrary to established etiquette in our drdes. Mabt
Abn, how cotUd you ?
Mary Ann, I didn't It was him. I shall scream another time.
BUza. Man, you will oblige me by treating my sister as you would
your own.
IBxit with crushing expression which leaves Rombo intact,
Mary Ann, Eliza talks rot (To Rombo.) Not that you 're not
a beast all the same.
IJSxit in two frames of mind, Hbnbt laughs and makes light of
osculation. The men converse. The plot becomes even more
i$Uric€tte, The end is nigh,**
• •••••
Question, Do I miss the purpoee of the Author-publisher P
Answer, I should think it bighl> improbabJe.
Q. But why did he write it f
A, It is a '^ problem-play,'* and that, as I said, is the problem.
CEXKBiire.— liberal Party much encouraged by Baft Wioklow
andEastLeeds. ** Wisdom from the East," Siey caU it ^-^^
236
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
[Mat 11, 1895.
A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
Ntrvout Tauih, " Will— s&— «ood-btx, Mrs. Thomaa. Awtullt olad I met tov I En —
80 GOOD OV TOV— so MUCH PLEASANTKS TBAN Bn>IHO ALONa I " iShuii Vp,
FfiOM COMNTO TO HEKNE BAT.
(An Angio-Niearaguan FiaralM,)
Thb young Midflhipman looked towards
Corinto. The public buildings were still
within range of the monster guns. The select
army of one hundred and fifty had retired
before the advance of the blue jackets and
marines. All was tranquil, and, as he fsxed
upon the Kicaraguan capital, his eyes closed,
and he dreamed a dream.
He was once more in England. He was at
the seaside. Here in front of him were
bathing-machines. There, to his right, was
a circulating library. He could see a cdock-
tower and a shortened pier. Then he laughed
in his glee. He was at Heme Bay I Close
to the Ide of Thanet— within sight of the
ReculyersI
He had scarcely realised his hi^iness, when
he noticed on the ocean a flotilla. Three
gigantic ironclads were approadiing the
tranquil town I
** The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in
his sleep.
It, alas I was too true I The Central
American Admiral had sentan ultimatum. The
news had run from one end of Heme Bay to the
other that, unless the sum demanded were
paid at once, thiq as-yet-unconquered water-
iQg-place would be ** ploughed. ' as the Poet
BuKK would hare put it, **uy the hoof of the
ruthless inyader."
Then there was a hurried consultation.
What could be done with that oyerpowering
fleet ? It was useless to defend the oathing-
maohines ; the donkeys and their driyers were
no match for heayy ordnance. What could
the few coast-guarasmendo wh^ threatened
by flye hundred yjcaijagnans P
*' Heme Bay must surrender I " murmured
the Midshipman In his sleep. ** There is no
help for it.**
And then came a strange sight. The
search-lights of the Nicaraguan fleet played
upon the sea front, and the little jg;artison of
Heme Bay retired towards Biromngton and
Margate. The Band (lent from tJie Militia)
marched away, followed by the Heayy cayalry
of the bathm, and the Uhlan-like donkeya
ofthesands. TherepresentatiyesoftheNayy
(carrying their look-out telescopes) Ibcoo^^
up the rear.
Then, when aU had gone, the saflon and
marinesof the Nioaraguan fleet landed* The
British flag was hauled down, and replaced
by tiie colours of the ensmy.
Heme Bay was eongueredl
At this lieint the Midshipman awoke with
astait He looked round, and sighed a great
sigh of relief.
«* How totunate it is that the English fleet
haye conquered Corinto and not tue Nioa-
raguan fleet Herne Bay I '' he cried in an
ecstaoy of natrlotle fervour. ^Dien he per-
formed for hours the duties of his command.
Towards the cUmc of day he again easnaUy
glanced at Corinto and once more was in-
voluntanly reminded of Heme Bay. And aa
he gaxed upon the Central American town he
came to the conclusion that it was about aa
formidable and about as well defended aa liie
Kentish watering-place. And having arrived
at this opinion he determined in his own mind
that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of anna.
was scarcely on a par with the Yiotory ol
Trafalgar.
TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.'
(On his S&vmUidh Bkihday.)
To Makits of Crystal Palaee fame,
Ptmeh sends his kindly greeting.
The ever keen, the never tame.
Time may he long be beating
(For Time it seems cannot beat him).
Time'adarts may he resist aU
jWith bdtan bride and eyw un-dim.
Beneath that dome of Crystal—
For many a year I And decades hence
Punch hopes it may bef a* that
He 'U shout, before that dhob immense,
*« A Makits* a Man for a' that I"
A Classic Cavdioaib. — Mr. Homxr in
West Dorset is the Independent FArmen*
Candidate. He is, of course, more than a
positiye *' Home Ruler." being a comptfative
hopeful '^HoMsa Euler." But surely the
language of Hoxkr must be Greek to most
of his hearers, even at Bridport, and in view
of ih^poluphoisboio ihaktues.
THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF
THE EXCHEQUER.
{On ihs Humdrym Budget.)
Just ** As you were *' I Ingenious, fair.
And all that, I've no doubt ;
But titled swells you do not scare,
N(v rich monopolists flout.
I tolerate where I would praise.
Reform m a slow grower I
My spirits. Will, it will not raise.
To see your smrits lower I
Free Breakfast Table? Graduation P~
Chances seem getting fewer :
Well Will, my only consolation
Is this— you 've ''copped the b
brewer I"
In the title of his new book, *' AnrHoirr
Hops" has taken the Roman Vrefiom wfaicii
evidentiy by right belonged to him. There is
no comma, nor introduction of "by," and
so straight off we read in ffolden .letters
on the back, '* A Man of Mark Anthony
Hope.** Brave Mask AirrHOirrl Hu
readers have great faith in Hopk.
Pabliamxhtast.— The nearest h>Iv^m^ to
a dead-look is a live (J. G.) Wsnu
Hat 11. 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
227
VXW OALLEKT QTJEBIE8.
Is Mir. HncHOOOK's **Fhghi
tnto ^ffv|»< " a tiew of Dartmoor P
and w£at are all thofe hhie
fknrvrs ? Bwa^, blua eorrants,
oom-floiWQfB, now Dfoom, ipono
dyed Uue for this oooanon only,
or what ? I haye been off «ed all
these random soggestionB by dis-
tingniahed oritieB» Imt they some-
how don't seem oanyineing.
Wkf are the oompetitorB in the
oharmiTig iwimminff-matoh be-
tween Mermaide and Tritona so
remarkably dry in the upper
parts? I always get de^dMly
damp when I enter the Bea, bat
tiiese ladies take to it like duckB—
**Dtix foBmina ft^iV* (as said an
andentpoet in antioipttionh- and
80 I suppose the watf^r rolb off
thdrbaoks.
^nil '• Her Firtt Offering*^ of
grass and daisies go tar towards
softening the heart of a statuette P
Her sister, last year, had a much
more tempting ** Gift for the
Oode^^ but there is no aooounting
for diTinities' tastes.
What does Mr. Epoffnh— dear
me, I oan no< get his name right?
—mean by ^^aoue lee Arbreef**
Is it a man or a statue, a spook or
a symbol ? Why does he wear a
marble wig ? Why does his brown
hair show underneath it? Why
has he got a wall eye? Whyishe
*'under the trees?" Why is he
at large at all? Why But
there, I giye it up I I don't be-
lieve there are any answers to
these eonundrums I
How is it I 'to been looking at
** Kit" for two whole minutes
before realising that there's a
Persianoatintheoomposition? But
she 's a real beauty, when you do
eoax her out of this '* puzzle
pieture."
Why (this is no new query I)
,.^/^'-^
haye Sir Sdwakd BuxHS-Joni'
Lndferiana and Sleeping Beantiea
and peereasee and ohildren and
brides one and all the same workl-
wearyezpNaakm? Whydothey,
without ezoeption, look aa if they
were off to a foneral,or had just
seenthemselTesintheflaaa? Are
there no other eoloara in the land
but didl green, steel-blue, ink-
porple, andbriok>red? Why do
I immediately want to eommit
soioide after studying these maa-
terpieoes? Why doesn't Psyehe
oheer up a Mt, even thocurh she
ie going to be married? She
wasn*t a i4i ym^ I 'm sore !
Why does the dog inMr. Hol-
XAir Bmrr's piotore look aa if it
had soitwing of the brain ? and
why do I pass on hurriedly to the
next piotore?
Wfll Miss Rkhav'b left shool-
der h(^ op her dress maeh longer,
I wonder,Ciu Mr* 8iJt&BiiT*8 por-
trait ? 4^1Jdon't know, but I nave
fearsi
Is the lady in Mrs. SwmnJUi -
TOv's ** Senee ofJSipht " preparing
to eatefa a orioket oall, or outting
an aequaintanoe, or going to re-
oite semething ? I ehoiMUkd to
know.
Why oookLn't some enterptis-
ing dentist supply the ladiea in
"^hoee"' wi& &lse teeth, and
why weren't they taken away
quiethr home, and not allowed to
exhibit their other anatomioal
innoyations? Eoho answers to
these and all my queries, '* Why,
indeed?"
A PROGNOSIS.
" By TBI WAY, DOOTOB, TH« ' N»W WOMAK,' DON'TOHBRKlfOW—
WHAT 'LL aSM Bn LI KB, WHBH 8HB 'S OBOWH OLD f "
'*My DBAK OoLONBL^ 8HM*hL NBYBB OBOW OLD t "
" GbBAT SoOTT t TOU don't XBAK to BAY 8HB '8 GOIHO TO LAST
FOR BYBB I "
*' ShB WOV't BVBir LAST OUT TBS GbNTUBY I ShB 'S OOT BYBBT
Malady undbb thb Suk t"
The Cfheater Oup.
The JRoek Dove don't podli-pooh,
A dove oan make a coup ;
llie odds ? You yet may nobble
'em.
'Tis four to one
'Gainst Son of a Oun^
But Euclid is a problem.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FBOM THE BIABT OF TOBT, M.P.
Hou9e of Commoner Monday, April 29.— When Jfr. Toots, in
agouT of perturbed bashfolness, sat down on Florence Dombey^t
best bonnet, he mormured, ** Oh, it's of no oonsequenoe." Squire
OF Maxwood does not resemble Jlr. Tbote in any respect, not even
that of bashfolness. Bot he has a way, when tabng important
move, of stodioosly inyesting it with appearanoe of ^' no oonse-
qoenee." Thos to-night, ascng for lion's share of time for re-
niaining portion of Session, he ooold hardly bring himself to uplift
his Yoioe: mumbled oyer phrases; oooghcd at ooigonotions: naif
paralysed by prepositions ; looked roond with pained astoniahment
when Members behind oned, ** Speak op I " Why should he trouble
to speak up on so immaterial a matter ? Still, to oblige, he would
say all he wanted was to take for Goyemment porpoees^ for rest
of Session, all the time of House, saye the inoonyenient Wednesday
afternoon sitting, and the inconsiderable Friday night.
More marked thia ooltored mannerism when Tuiftnnfling imme-
diate introdootion of Bill prohibiting ploral yoting. Thia a genoine
surprise. Not been talked of sinoe&oose met. STobody ^t>itilring of
it. Squibx in almost whisper annoonoed its introdootion to-morrow.
Astonished beyond measore at oommotion created; the boisteroos
cheers of Liberals, the oneasy laughter c^ Opposition.
** Most remarkable place this House of (Smmons," he said after-
wards, gazing oyer niy head into the infinite horizon, where ahadowy
fiaurecS Local Veto Bill is yisible to the eye of faith. '^Alwaysfull
of sorprises even for old practilionerB like yon and me.^
Pmif OB Abthub. moch relishing this sobtle humour, was ^iiw^M
in sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested,
was an elaborate joke. If they were there to work, ne would take
off his coat and ding on with toe best of them. Bot they were there
to pky. *' Well, let OS play," he said, holding oot both hands with
geature of iBvitalion to Treasory Bench.
Proposal irresistible. Hoose diyided forthwith: Squibs's motion
earned by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen nayal
men talked water-tobe boiler, Pbivcs ABTHmt, Squibs op Mal-
wooB, aad picked oompany from either side went oot behind
Bpeakee's Chair to play. Sochlarksl To see PanrcB ABTHun take
in a 9trid« '' the backs" giyen him by the Squibb of Malwood,
with CAWKSL*BAirinEBMAir next; to see Johk Moblbt serioosly
whippinif a top; to watch Bbtcb breathless behind the nimble
hoop ; to look on whfle Edwabd Gbbt, forcetfol of China and
Japan, thinking nothing of Nioaragoa, played a game of marbles
with HijftT Dtki; to see LodrwooB trying a sport with Dick
Wrmtzm, the ooorse being twice roond the Diyision Lobby,
AeairiTH, freeK from the Cab-arbitration, haying handicapped them
--to add thb. and moch else, was a spectacle wholesome for those
engaged in it, interesting for the solitary spectator.
B^tMirmas J/jnd.^Shipboilding Tote in Nayy Estimates agreed to.
Tueadat/. -- Odd thmf that on this fiartieolar night, when
OoYemment bring in Bill prohibiting plorality of yoting. Bill
Bhould bring in a BilL His nrst and only BilL Of coorse he might
ar^e if we haye one man one yote, one Bill one Bill is aU
rieht. T«s [ hot, aa Sabk with his keen mathematical instinct
points out, thia is a case of two Bills— Bill, the Member for Leek,
and a Bill to empower magistrates to prohibit the sale of intoxicating
liquors to pernonB preyiimaly conyioted of dronkenneaa. That is
ol>7ionsly a phirality of Billa. Bot we are fMag hopelessly mixed.
The onl^ man amonff oa who aeea dear is Jomr Williaii. Deep
pathos in his yoioe aa he says the time is near at hand when a tyran-
nical GoTemment will attempt to enforce principle of **One Man
One Drink."
Gap^m Tomrr Bowlbs had best of dreary eyening. Mentioned
yesterday, with tears from his honeat bine eyea eooraing down hia
228
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Mat 11, 1895.
ragged, ireatiier»beat«D oheek, fresh infamy
on part et Savnn of Malwood. Had an-
noanoed on Thursday that, at Monday's
sittiiig. NaTil Works Loan Bill wonld be
prooeeded with. Tommy aooordingly dewed
np, and ran for port; laying to for forty-
( ight hoars, preMxed speeoh on Naval Works.
Now SQiriBB ealmly annoanoed that Ship-
boilding Vote was to be taken. What was
Tommy to do with speeeh prepared on Naval
Works Loans Y
In despair yesterday; to-dav bright idea
strnck hun. Shaw-Lcfktrb nad moved to
introdaoe One Man One Vote BilL Why
shooldn't Tommy, flying that flag, ran in and
deliver his speeoh on Naval Works ? A bo]d
experiment; only hope of saeoess was that
House, being in almost oomatose state,
wouldn't notice rase if oleverly managed.
Trast Tommy for olever management Hold-
ing sheaf of notes flrmly in left hand, deftly
taming them over with the hook that serves
him for right hand, the <M salt read his
speeoh on Naval Works Loan BilL H^re and
there, when he observed restless movement in
anv part of Hoase, flred off phrase abont
*' forty - shilling freeholder," '* oooapition
votes." •• raral constitaendes," ** re-dis-
tribation," ^'ooontry going to the dogs,"
''jerrymandering," and *' right hon. prenile-
man opposite." Scheme worked admirably;
speeeh reeled €&, and Squisb of Malwood's
knavish triok oonf oanded.
Bwiftess <lofie.~One Man One Vote Bill
broaght in.
':>>i
Cap'en Tommy Bowles.
Thursday. — House not to be moved to evidenoe of excitement even
by prospect of Badget night. On such oocaaioa in ordinary times
attendance at prayer-time most encouraging to Chaplain. Begins to
think that at last ids ministrations are bearing frait. This afrem<K>n
oongregation not much above average. No rush for tickets for seats.
When SQuntie rose to open his statement, great S[aps below Gang-
way on Ministerial side. The Squiu, recognising situation, refrained
from heroics, content t« deliver plain business speech. No exordium ;
no perorataon ; no flight into empyrean heights of eloquence as was
the wont of Mr. O. Some sympathetic movement when Squibb, with
momentarily increased britJcness of maimer, spoke of sna^ ot cold
weather in February, with its acompanimf nt of influenza, iQcreaf>ed
death-rate, and faller flow of death duties into
National coffers. 1^ quality of this meroy
was not quite unstrained. Not (kipping:, like
the gentle dew from heaven« tilt JB ebraary, in-
creased death rates will not come into acoouit
till succeeding vear. , StiU« there "^^iba ram. As
thermometer fell rum went up witb a rosL
Fifteen mea on a dead'man'i obert.
High ho! and s bottle of rum.
What with comforting the mQumlBrs, sod
imbibed as a preventive, rum broaght a
windfall of £100,000 into the 1>easary.
That was well in its way. But then there
were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who
ought to have died last year, their estatee
paying tribute to Chakcbllob of ExcnanaiTSK,
and wuo positively insisted upon living. The
long-trained fortitude of the SaxxiBB nearl>
broke down when he mentioned this dream-
stance. Pretty to see how it also tooehed
JoKTM. The wounds of riven friendship tem-
porarily closed up ; the rivalry r«f recent year*
forffotten in contemplation of. these 75,000
reckless, ruthless peoide. who, in deflanoe at
law of average, didu^t clie in financial year
ending March 31, 1895. The past Csakoellob
OF ExcHEQUBa and lu> suooeaaor in oiBee
mingled tbeir tears. But for iuterventioD ii
table they would probably have flung them-
selves into each othor's arms and sobbed alobd.
*' Thus," said Pbotcb Abxhvb, himself not
unaffected by the scene, ** doth one touch of
nature make Chancellors of the Exoheqaer
kiu." Business done, — Badget broaght liL
Fnday Night,^ALPBXUB Clbophas submitted profweal to doek
payment of £10,000 annuity to Doke of C6BifBe» Thinks H.R.H.
might, in circumstances, get along nicely without il Saob or
QuBBK Akkb*8 Gatb affrees. T. H. Boi/tobpabtY^ on the other hand,
gravely differs. FohTing his arms as was his wont on eve of
Austerlitz, he regards Alphbus CleSophab with awfal frown.
Imperial instincts naturally wounded. *'No trifling with the per-
sonal revenues of our Boyal cousins, whether at homo or abroad,^
said T. H. Boltohpabtt in the voioe of thunder that ooee reter-
berated aoross the shivering«chasms of th<) Alps.
Business cfene.— Proposal to cut off Dake of CoBime's pensioD
negatived by 193 votes against 72.
o
TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
FiBST Wat.
From the BeprsseiUaliw of Her Briiimiie Majetit\fs Qcvsmmeml to
the Minister for Foreign A fairs.
January 1, 18-0.
I HAVB the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed
by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic
Majesty*s Government has reason to complain of the conduct <tf the
Government of which your Bxcellency is the representative. I have
the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellenoy to urge
iipon the Gbvemment of which your Bzoellenoy is the representative
the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I
have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her
Britannic Migesty's Government if the Government of which your
Excellency is a representative wiU give the matter to which I refer
the earliest attention.
From the R^^resetdati^, <fe., to Iks Mimster, <fo.
January 1, 18-1.
I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellenoy to the
long and unsatisfactory correspondenoe that has passed daring the
last 1 ear between vour Excellency as representing the Government
f«f which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for
Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to
forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to
have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the
Government of which your Excellency is a representative the neces-
sity of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.
^rom the Representative, <fte., to the Minister, dee,
January 1, 18-2.
I have again the honour to call the attention of yonr ExoeUency
to, &0,, &o.
{Bathtr longer than the foregoing one. Then follow hoo more
'*from the same to the eame** in 18-3 and 18^ This is the
Hret ufay.)
Sboobd (abd Shobtbb) Wat.
FSrom British Admiral to Minister.
January 1, 18-5, 12 NooK.
If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bomhard
yoar capital, seize your country, and imprison the Govemment of
which you are the representative.
IVom Minister, Ac,, to British Admiral,
January 1, 18-5, 12.10 P.IC.
Don't Are. Have sent money demanded by P.0.0.
The Predominant Partner.
'Tre to the " New Nati «ial Party," 'tis dear,
That Chambkblaut swears his affiance.
The Triple Alliance P Why, no, 'twould appear
The third, and predominant partner, is Beer,
So let's will it '* The Tipple Alliance."
OuB Bookibg-Office.— To all, and especially to all travellers,
on account of its portable size, the Baron begt to reoommeod a
charming novelette writt* n by Gut Boothabt, entitled A Lo$t
Endeavour, published by Dbkt of Aldine House, When Mr. G^^r
Boothabt brings out another story egual to this, the Barim will be
delighted to draw public attention to it by saying, *' Here's another
Gmr— Boothabt I" '
Ab awful Mobsteb bbcbntlt lbt out ur a ChubchI— A
second-hand sermon with eight heads
T
Mono vox IHX Loss CKizr Jtmic!B.-<" QtiiQtCmmf."
Mat 18» 1895.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
239
HOP PROSPECTS.
Said Pitlbx the Skifpek to Hiss Cicada, "Do tou bzpbot a good Hoppiho
SSAiK>ir THIS TEAR?"
ODE TO A (LONDON) "LAEK.'Vj^
(Same JTay a/Ur QuMqyAt.)
Oh, «* Urk," which all the ** Comiqnes " nng,
And every dmoken rowdy pap, too ;
Sore yon 're a yicioiu, yolgar thing
As ever toper swigged a oup to.
Hints of the boozy and the blue
Snrroond yon ; sodden brains yon soften ;
Yet rhymsters make a song of you.
And rowdies sing it— far too often.
The aim of erery loose-lipped lent
Appears to be to *' laik " diyinely ;
When from his hannts he gets chnoked oat,]
He deems his *' spree " has^ended finely.
He tracks the ** lark "—aye,** like a bird,"
Upon the tnrf, among its ^'daisies";
Bnt, by sweet Shellet, 'tis absord.
Foul bird of prey, to pipe your praises !
A Enn> Offer. — A lady who is not well
np in Parliamentary matters writes to us
aaymg that she has seen mentioned in the
papers **Mr. Speaker's Retirement Bill,"
and would yery much like to know what the
amount is. Her admiration for the late
Speaker is so great that, our fair corre-
spondent goes on to say, she would willingly
defray the whole amount herself, or if the
total oe too much for her pocket, then would
she cheerfully head a subscription list.
She is perfectly certain that Mr. Prel was
a yery moderate man, and therefore the entire
sum cannot be yery startiing.
BATHEK ''BOLD ADVEETISEMENT,"
['* AdTertuemenU for some time past hare been inserted in Qoremment
puDhcations." — Dailif Fi^terJ]
ScEHB—lSoomr)/ a Secretary of State. Prssen^ Bight Hon.
Gentleman attended by his Priyate Seeretary.
Iti((ht Han. Gentlenum, Well, Teeterfore, anything for me this
momiDgP
Private Seeretary. I think not. You will find that I hay e worked
out the answers to to-day's qneetbns— the list is not a yery heayy
one. only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
Bi. Hon. Gent That 's right Such a lot of time is wasted in that
sort of thing. And has anyone come for me ?
Prtv. See. No one of importance. A fellow with a new inyention
or something of that sort Said yon were extremely busy just now.
bat that if hie would write, his letter would reoeiye the attention ol
the department
at. Han. Gent. Waa he satisfied P
Priv. Sec. {smiUng). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
haye had some experience of Goyemment offices. He said he pre-
ferred to see you personally.
JU. Han. Gent, {atnuseth. I daresay he would. Anyone else P
Priv. See. Only a man about adyertisements.
J^i. Han, Gent {aghast). You did not send Aim away ?
Priv. See. WelL no. I belieye he is still in the waiting-room.
But surely you don't want to see him f
Rt. Han. Gent Of course I do. A most important person. Send
a meseenirer for him at once. (JExit Private S cretary.) That's the
worst of Tenterforb — so impulsiye I Means well, but so yery im-
nulsiye ! {Knack.) Ah, here comes my yisistor. (JBnter stranger.)
My yery dear Sir, I am delighted to see yom {He shakes hands
warmly and provides him with an arm^ehair.) I am sorry you
should haye been detained— quite a mistake.
Stranger (surprised). You are most kind. I come about some
adyertisements.
Bi. Han. G^t I kno^ my dear Sir, I know. Now what can
I tempt you with P You arriye at a most fortunate moment We
are thinking of letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The
Mediterranean iieet will be a most excellent medium. We can do
sixteen double crowns at a yery reasonable rate; of course the
Admiral's fiag-ship would be a txifle extra. Is your lea4Ung article
soap, pickles, or hair-dye P
Stranger • I am afraid you do not understand me.
J Ht. Hon. Gent. Oh yes, I do ; but, if you object to marine adyer-
tlsements, I think we can suit you on land. We haye seyeral eom-
inanHIng pontions on the colours of some ol the most popular regi-
see we can
ments in the sendee yaeant (Showing plans.) You _,,
insert type — ^we object to blocks— on the material without interfer-
ing with the badges or the yictories. A most admirabie medium,
I assure you.
Stranger. Ynu really are in error. I wish to say
Bt. Hon. Gent, (interrupting). Yes, I know. You think that
something would be better. Well, we can put adyertisements on
the backs of all petitions presented to Parliament and let yon out
hoardings in front of the more prominent ol the Goyemment offices.
How would that suit you P
Stranger. Really, jou must allow me to explain. Adyertisements
of matters interesting to mariners— such as notices of wrecks— are
insAvted solely in the London Gazette and
lU. Han. Gent. Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we haye not quite made
u^ our mind« whether such a course might not cause confusbn in
misty weather.
Stranger. 1 was goiDff to propose that the Goyemment might fed
incliaed to insert the adyertisements to which I haye referred in a
paper with which I am connected, and which is extensiyely circulated
amongst seafaring men.
lU. Hon. Gent, (astounded). You want me to giye you an adyer-
tisement I No, Sir ; now that we haye taken up adyertisements we
insert them and don't giye them out (Enter Priyate Secretary.)
Mr. Teeteefore, be so good as to explain to this gentieman that my
time is yaluable.
ISeeiie closes in upon the Secretary of State perft^rminq the
now rather mtscellaneaue duties appertaining to his office.
Brief Stat is Lokdon of the Eionent Freech Noyslut.—
He has not quite mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in
English, when sayinff, **J^y suis, moi, Daudet: je pars demain,"
i.e.f '*I am here JjO'day^ and gone to-morrow."
SueoBanoE.— •* The Attaree Khat Tea Co." is a nice name.
Why not follow with the *' Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co. " ?
Very attaree-aotiye to some puBsons.
Motto (addressed to Flxttes, Hautboys, &o.) for Coin>ncrroR
OF THE Strauss Orchestra. — ** Strauss ahows how the wind is to
blow."
**lKFAirr PhskomehonI"— AtDniry Lane, theaiduouspartof Don
Cesar in the opera of Maritana was last Friday played by a Child I
Word or CoiOfAirD for Hospital Buedat.—" Present Alms ! "
▼OIL* ofin.
SOCIAL AGONIES.
A^y, *< Com and Dine with ini to-nioht, Shobbdtoton f "
Smohbin^fUm, "SoRRT TO sat I oak't, Old Chappik. Afraid I 'yb got to go and Dins with that old fool Lord Bori-
HAM, FOR MT 8IN8 t '
Lord Boreham {from behdmd 7Ui Ntwtpa^per), '*Prat oonbidir toxtrsblf xxgusrd this ivsnino, Mr.-
DON*T RVBN KNOW TOU BY SIGHT I "
-Mr. A— I find I
[WlvickUqwUinu!
AEET AND THE NEW WOMAN.
DiAR Chablir,— 'Ow are yon, old shipmate ?
J We bin layin' low for a time.
Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yns,
and bizness 'as bin for from prime,
All grind and no gay ffaloot, Charlis, of late
. . ^fts bin my little lot ;
An' between yon and me and
the post, I think most
things is going to pot I
It 's Newness wot 's doing it,
ChablivI **Lor! iKat'%
a mm gospel," Fez yoo.
Well, p*raDs in yonr green
tooral-looral yon don't
hear so mnoholthe New;
But in town with New Art,
and New Women, New
Drammer,NewHamoiir,
andenoh,
nothink old left in creation, saye
fonr-arf, and Dannsl's old Dutch.
Bat
She^% old, and no hapricots, Charlib.
Dannkl's a deoentish sort,
iknd the way as «Ae lays down the law abont
nji-to-date woman ts sport.
Er nutcrackers olitter and datter ; and when
she is fair on the shout,
Jonoemin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet
it 's a reglar knock-out I
[ took LiL, D^nnel's younffest, larst week to
the play, with some tickets I 'd got
9^ell. paperers mustn't be choosers.
But oh, mate, of all the dashed rot
They ever chucked orer the footlights, this
'ere Probblem Flay woe the wust I
It left me with brain disoumfuddled, the
blues, and a thundering thust
It gave poor Ln. 'Arris the 'errors. '* Lor,
'Arrt," she sez, ooming out,
** They've st^rged it, no doubt, td-lol-poppish,
but wot M the 'ole thing about P
I fed just as creepy and 'oiler, along o' these
'ere warmed-u^ ghosts,
As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eughl
Let's 'aye a glarss at * lie Posts.' "
It took two 'ot tiddlers to warm 'er. An'
when I was blowin' a doud
A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez,
^'Arrt," sez die, " Tain't proud,
But don't tyke me never no more to no New
Woman nonsense," ses she.
**It's narstv; and not one good snivd or
laif in the whole jamboree.
** I don't caU them peopU, I don't" «* No ;
they're probblems, Lel, that's wot they
are. [he-probblem sudcs 'is dgar ;
She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the
Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage,
that played-out old farce— at sixteen I —
I thought we was fair up-to-date, LiL| but,
bless yer, we 're simply pea-green I ''
And when we arrived at LamVs Ccmduit
Street, old Dannsl 'Arris's diop,
His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and
when started she 's orknd to stop.
'' New Woman?" sez die. *' She 's no darss,
LiL, and dffli't know a mite where she are.
Tahl fFe used to call 'em Old Cats; indt
sootabler name, too, by far.
*' Then ain't nothink new in their Newnen;
it 's only old garbige warmed up.
Mero bubble-and-squeak. The stale taten
and greens on wnich poor people sup
Is 'oleiome compared with den ond. ithl
Weddings 'U outlast that lot ;
And while gals is gals the old Eve '11 jest
make the new evil seem rot."
The jawsome old guffin wos right, Charlib;
leastways, she wosn't fur out.
Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger
and go on the shout.
And spile a good sport and theb handes, sre
not more cc»nplete off the track
Than them as *'rovolt"— agin Nature, and
code thdr she-bokos— at fade I
All splutter-dudge, Charlie I On styge or
on cinder-path, dilypop things
As want to play Man and he Woman are try-
ing to fly without wings.
Or fight without flstes. Aro Men, the world's
masters—like you, mate, and Me—
To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats r
Wot bloomin' fiddle-de-dee I
The Old Dutch, and young Lii^ and myself
are all much of a mind on this job.
Old 'Arris sez men are not in it. He don't |
mean it, I 'U bet a bob.
It ain't very likdy, not now, that Toon
Sorumptiously ever wiU marry ; ,
But if I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't^^
be no New Woman l^y
Arrt.
Mat 18, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
231
BcMih. ** I DON^ BiLnnn Jaok will xyxr lkabn to Danos t"
Alie$ {tehoBe drus ha» «tt^«r«Q. " Wobsb thah that— hb will myiB lkark hot to attuipt rr t "
FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.
A SKLBiTDiD ihow, thouirh some of the ehildren are neither fair nor
beantif oL Note No. 114, '^Th9 Chinese Boy'* by Sir JoflHUA. He ia a
boy, oertainlj. but hia oomplexion has a mahoflrany tinge not osaally
aaaociated with lorelineaa. Catheuitb ds MiDicia, if we may judge
by No. 67, was a plain, deoent, housewifely body, with a family of
four horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, erentnally,
wore a orown. Can it be possible that La Heine Marmot ever looked
like that t If so, the mat Dumas is eonyioted of gross deceit. For
a soreaminff farce in oil, let the Tisitor look at No. 155, ** The Infant
Johnson^' by Sir Joshtta. Some one has eridently suggested to the
baby lexioographer that he ehonld haye a bath. Naturally enough
he is furious at the idea. *' Sir," he seems to say, ** let us take a
nerambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
bathe.'* Can there not be found a companion moture of the mighty
infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a ** What, nunc, are you
forafrolic? Then I'm with you7' In a ease labelled No. 464 are
to be seen toys, doUs, and plaTtbings found in Children's Tombs in
Egypt Here, too, is the ^^ Mummy of a Bdky.^ *'I see the
baby," observed an intelligent ehilo-Tiator; '*bat where is its
Mummy P My Mummy never ties baby up like that.^
Not Dub NoBTH.~The NoHh BriOih Daily MaQ, referring to
the rumour that the Prince of Walu ^BUjgo to New York in the
autumn to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be
better racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let thePBnrcB
come north at midsummer this year.^ Tery likely the race on the
Clyde will be a good one. But our SeottUh contemporary forgets
that a visit to the United States on the part of H.R.K would be to
the advantage of two races— the American and the British. It would
he sure to cause good f eeliug on either side of the Atlantic Why
should not Caledonia wait ?
Bt Oub Owk Cbickbt ok the Hbabth.— For any ordiiiary
I English team to attempt tackling the Australian Blevn ooming
over here next season, would show not so much the merit of the
team, but its team-erity.
THE PRIYILEeE OF THE PRBSa
BcEKK-'Anyufhere, Present^ Bbowf and Joins.
Broum {perueing paper). Capital speech of Abthub J. Balioub
at the NewsMper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compli-
ments to the frees were in every way deserved.
Jones {aUo reading a foumat). Quite so. I am glad to see that
the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling
in all its branches.
Brown. So does this. There is an ezceUent leader on the fourth
page exposing the scandals ol the Stock Exchange.
Jones, Ana here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
abuses of the turf.
Broum. Such intelli(rent comments should do a world of cood.
Jones, I am sure of it I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
better after perusing a odumn that might have supplied the pabulum
of a se r m o n.
Brown. Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral peroq>-
ms to come across such noble sentiments. Well, aa we have both
read the leaders, let us exchange papers.
Jones. With pleasure, only iwant lust to glance at the latest odds.
This journal gives the latest infonnation on all matters oonneoled
with racing and the turf generally.
Brown. 7ust so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must
fill up the time by loddng at the money article. Commend me to
the aty editor of inis favourite production when you want to have a
gentle flutter I
''KxT-iroTxa."— In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of Walk
visiting the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present
The Prince of Wales deolinei, with thanki,
The inyitation sent firom Manx,
the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at ffis Bffjsl
Highness's diqwlsal for landing.
Flowib Shows akd
Chatham Seoonds J2om."
scent per scent I
Citt BuinrBM. — *' Preference Stocks.
What a sweet combination of colour and
282
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Mat 18, 1896.
■ EXPBCTEDNE8S.
** Ifeyteablb " is the new eant
phrase, and certain phrases are
inevitable, it would seem.
It is inevitable, if yon should
hmen to beg the paraon of one
of tibie lower middle class, that he
(or more generally she) will Tejoly
with^QAntedl*^ ^
It ii inevitable, if you converse
with ayoungOzonian of immature
intellect, that he will murder the
Queen's, or (as he would call it)
Qoaggers, English bv some such
expression as ^' What a beastly
sensagger I " or invite you to
"staffger for the dagger" ($.«.
stavfortheday). But competent
auuiorities are inclined to think
that this laborious form «f under-
ffraduate wit, or ''wagger," is
doomed to speedy '* eztigger."
It is inevitable that me would-
be smart business person, when
inditing a oiroular or club notice,
will say, " Forward #am«," or, "I
indose same,'^ instead of ''tie,"
whatever it may happen to be.
It is inevitablethat, when 'Abet
wishes to be familiarly polite at
parting, he will take his leave
with^Solon^."
It is inevitable that, when a
vouii^ City man desires to express
his disapproval of anv individual
or thing, he will dismiss it as
'* no class.*'
It is inevitable, if you make
any surprising orabsurdstatement
to a Yankee, that his comment
thereon will be, " Is that so I "
It is inevitable, if you meet an
Mtor "resting" in the Strand,
that he will ask you to *' Name
it," and you will proceed to do so
(possibly at your own expense) at
one or more of the excellent
drinking-bars in that locality.
YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.
First Gossip, "So yof was niwik axed tut Fctniiull f
Seooiui Oosei^, ** Niwee as inroH as inside t'hovsk. Bot hob-
BUT WAIT TILL WE HEV* A FiTNEEAL OF US 0W!f, AN* WE 'LL SHOW
A-DRESS BY MR. SPBAKBR.
[" CerUia Memben object to it-
tending tbe 8pbaxu*8 dimicr or
^^MinfdlldrMB."]
Mr. Speaker,
** OH,'ye must walk in silk ttlin,
And swords and buckles wstr,
GKu ye wad come to dine wi' me,
Or tend my levSes mair.'*
The Members,
"Oh, what's to us your nlkoi
show, rimtrt?—
And swords and Dooklei
And if you still insist upo&'t,
Then you and we must pert! **
Mr. Speaker,
'* Then je shall come in what attiie
It suits ye beet to wear.
Gin ye 'U consent to nund tlie
Whip,
Nor plague the Party msir."
WoETHT Object. — It it en-
couraging to hear of a *' Mission
to Deep Sea Fishermen:' The
deeper the sea-fishermen are, the
more necessarv is the mianoiL
Ihese Deep Sea-Fishermen tie
srenerally supiwsed to be aUe to
look after their own soles; bat
now they will reoeive aid in their
work. As the Bishop of Lini-
POOL is a prominent patron of thii
good work, it may oe taken for
granted that most of theee deep
uns are fishermen in his Lord-
ship's See.
Aw Acquittal.— With whst a
sense of relief does a bm mant
who has been brought up by
Corporal Ailmbitt before the
Dv)Ctor*s Court Martial hear the
verdictof "NotGmtyl"
LAW IN BLANK.
{A Natwral Development of the Modem System of Suppressum,)
QcEKa--Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary occupants
and surroundings. Witness in the box undergoing cross-
examination.
First Counsel, And now wiU you give me the name of the person
you met on that occasion F
Second Counsel I do not wish to interfere without reason: but
>iiw It IS unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.
WUness. Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my ez-
amination-in-chief and write the name on a piece ofpaper F
ne Judge, That seems a reasonable course to pursue.
First Counsel, As your Lordship pleases. Then be so_good as to
gije me the name as suggested. (Witness complies.) l4auk you.
(After readmg the paper.) Do you spcdl the name with a final •'e" P
Secnnd Counsel, JEleally, mj learned friend is carrying matters too
far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
leati^ question would reveal the identity at once.
The Judge, I suppose you mean that lie query about the final " e"
would mdicate that the vdled name was *' BfiowinB."
Second Omnsel, Quite so, my lord : that is a conclusion that would
be accepted by persons of the most oroinarv intelligence.
^ jFVr«^ Counsel, But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
IS certainlv neither Beowit nor Beownb. I will submit the paper to
your lordship.
The Judge {after perusing the slip which has been handed to him
by an usher). Dear me I I am greatiy surprised I
Foreman of the Jury, May we, my lord, learn the name?
Ftrst Counsel, So far as I amconoerned, I shall be only too pleased
to allow the Gentiemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
the point.
Seamd Counsel, If lobject, it is not because I have not thegreafest
WDMenoe in the J urjrs discretion, hut simply as a matter of pnndple.
First Counsel, I do not see how the affair is a matter ai principle,
but if my learned friend objeets I have no wish to push the point
further. (Ttfrnm^ to Witness.) And no w, where did you meet thii
person whose name we have arranged to leave undisoovered ?
Witness, Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a
piece of paper and pass it round ?
The Judge, I thmk we nuiy do that.
First Counsel, As your Lordship pleases. (Course sugosslsd
pursued,) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the soojtit f
Witness, Cartainly. {Produces a scroll,) Here is a list I han
purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may onlj
be recognised by those who have a knowledge of PmcAir's methoi
The Judge, Certainly.
First Counsel, And that, my Lord, is my case. ISits doum.
The Judge, And now, Crentlemen. before we proceed further, I
would like to make a suggestion. When weoommenoed this txiil we
arranged that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not
be made public Since then it seems tc me that we should lesm
them. What do you say,^«ntiemen K
Foreman of the Jury, We share your Lordship's euriosity.
The Judge {addressing Counsel), i on hear.
First Cmtnsel {after constdtation with his opponent). My I/)id«
I need scarcely say that both my friend ana myself are moit
anxious to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is t
point of ^reat importance to our dients. we should like to have m
ojyportumty of consultinjg them. No doubt the names asked for
might only have a limited oiroulation^be known only to jpoor
Lwdship and the Gentiemen of the Jury. Still there are olgeotifliii
to even so partial a publication as I have shadowed forth ^diich n^
it most desirable that we should have an opportunity of giving me
matter our fullest consideration. Perhaps we might adj<mm until
to-morrow morning P
The Judge, Oh« certainly, certainly.
[Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the situation,
Morro fob the YiNETABn Peopbibtobs m a cmbzadt Geam-
PAOins DiSTEiCT.— " Make Ay while the sun shines." ^ ^ ^
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Mat 18, 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2S7
NEURALGIA.
What do I 'care jf >uimj Bprinflr I
U Gome now at laiBt with Dalmy
weather?
What'do I care for anything P
I.hate ezifltenoe altogether.
It makes me almost mad, in truths
IliiB.awfal.aching in my tooth.
What do I care^f or wealth or fame,
Or woman's charms the most
entrancing?
Despised or loved, it 's all the
same.
Yon would not catch me eyen
glancing
At any face yon ever saw;
1 'm only thinking of my jaw.
What do 1 eare if ,Tmnks are low,
ArgentineB flat. Home Rails
negleoted?
Though mines may come and
mines may go,
Fm indescriMbly dejected.
They may be, 1 am, ** dull " and
"weak."
Confound mv throbbing, swollen
cheek I
What do I care which party 's in.
To take more pennies from my
income, -^ \
Or. if from tax on beer or gin^
Or milkiand water extra ** tin "
come?
My thoughts are "in another
place";
This aching spreads throughout
myfioe.
What do I care for any play.
For dance or dinner, soii^ or
supper ? rgay.
With pangs like these I canM^ be
They spread from lower jaw to
upper,
A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.
''Back again, Dootob? I 'vs bskn ao much brttsr sinck
YOU WENT AWAY I "
Across my^faoe, as I have said. • ^^
And now_ attack my i hapless
What do I even care if She
May frown upon her wretched
lover.
And like another more than me?
Such pangs I might in time
recover.
I do not care, I do not know ;
I 'm aching now from top to toe.
Mb. Rudtabd EiPiiKa has
written another Barrack -room
Ballad (see PaU MaU QazetU of
Thursday last). ItiscaUed'*I%«
Men thai faughi at Mmden,** and
is perhai>s the most coarse and
unattractive specimen of verse
that this gredt jroung man has
put forth yet— a jumble of wofds
without a trace of swing or
music. All this Tommy Atkins
business, with its *' Rookies"
and its *'Johnnv Raws," and
its affectation of intimate know-
ledge of the common soldier's
inmost f eetings^ is about played
out, and the interest in it is
not likely to be revived by such
jargon as ** ne Men that fau&ht
at Mindeny Besides, dicbi't
Lord Geobqb Sacevillb fight (?)
at Minden ?
iEXPLAIKXD AT LABI.— The (ZoO-)
logical excuse given for the boa-
constrictor when he swallowed his
companion, was that '*he only
wanted a snack for luncheon." It
had been hinted that he found'' the
other one" such a ** boa" at meal
times that he was determined to
put him down. But this is not
the fact.
A LITTLE CHANGE.
Hajtg it all I They have blocked the street and are laying it with
asphalte ; just in May, as usuaL From early morning the quiet of
my rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I ^ out I
scramble over heaps of rubbish, iMist smokiog cauldrons of pitch, and
when I come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a
mfle away. Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and
the other is being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only
to run against ladders and paint-nots. It is awf uL And now my
Aunt Jajtb is coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at
my chambers. Her rheumatism prevents^ her from walking more
than a vard or two, she cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint
makes ner ilL She is very ri<^, and could leave all she has to the
poor. Accurately speaking, that oUss includes me^ but in my aunf s
opinion it does not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses
and invited her to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I
was hiding some guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms.
She is very prim, and the mere suggestion of such a thing would
alienate her from me for ever. Why on earth can*t she stoi> in
Bath? And I shall have to go with her to May meetings I It is im-
possible; I must fly. But where? She has a norror and suspicion of
all foreign nations, 'except perhaps the steady, industrious Swiss.
Good idea— Switzerland. But what reason can I give for rushing off
just now ? Someone must send me. I have it. She knows I try to
write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to go at once to
Geneva to write a series ol articles in the Jardin Alpin d' Aodimata-
tion on Alpine botanjr. Botany, how respectable I Geneva, how
sedate I Makes one tmnk at once of Calvut and G^eva bands.
These sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they
are not realhr so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical oravat. Then I
wUl start off to Paris, the direct way to Gkneva.
Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough.
No streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the doui
stone houses. No rebuilding cm the Boulevards. No aunt of mine
anywhere near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to
smoke my eigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand i
Hotel, and try to imagine that I see some of the people in Trilhy
Little Billee, or Taffy, or the Xatr^f— amongst the animated, cosmo-
politan crowd. And tne statelv giant in the silt chain will solemnlv
arrange the newspapers in all lao^giiages, and will supply me with
note-paper. I must be careful hot to write to my aunt a long de-
scription of the Jardin Alpin d'Aoclimatation de Gendve on pa^
stamped ** Grand H6tel, Paris." And the attentive Joseph, with
"Coming, Sup!" "Here is your coffee. Sir!" "In aminute. Sir!"
and so many things besides. And I shall be able to watch.
assembled from all parts of the world, some younger and prettier
faces than my Aunt Jajtb's. That settles it. A regretful letter to
my aunt. And to-morrow en route !
Chakgb of SpELLnra ?— Our dramatic friend known to the public
through Mr. Punch aM EffBT Haitthob JoifBS appears to have
reoenUy altered the spelUng of his name. He has left the Johbs
and the Rkfry alone, but in the Times of Friday he appears as
"Hbkbt Abtmb Jokes," "U" out of it; and what was "E"
doing there ?
Pbbsektatiov to the Bsv. GuiEinESS Rogebs.— Last week this
worthy mimster was presented by Ms Omgregationalists with an
address and a cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. GLADftiONE, ex-
minister, being among the subscriber^ In future the bSnifleiaire
will be remembered as the * Rev rei d T lousaadGuunnESsRoGBBB."
Music Notb {after hearing Mr. J, M, Coward* $ j^formance on
the OrchMlral JETarmontttm).— it would be high praise to say of any
organist that '* he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."
" Yebt Appbopbiats."— Last Wednesday the Bight
PwML became a " iSSUptiMr."
jM^Oigle
238
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Hat 18, 1895.
A COMING GHABGE.
{IV$matuirely Commuwieated hy <mr
lYcphetic Btporier.)
QvrrLKMXS of the Jury, for the
last ooaple of yeirs or so yoa haye
BO doabt read any nomber of de-
nimoiatloiis of tke oondiiet of the
man whose aotUms yoa are now
about io inyestiffate. Ton baye,
beard him abosea right and left
Yon haye seen pictures of him, in
which he has been held np to
scorn and public ridicnile. You
haye heara it announced in all
quarters that he is a scoundrel
and a thief. And as this has
been the case, Gentlemen of the
Jury, it is my duty tn tell you
that yuu mubt put aside the re-
coUeoden of these attadEs. You
must treat the prisoner before
? on as if he were immaculate,
n fact jou must lay asidie all
prejudice, and giye the man a
fair trial ; and^ Gentlemen, it is
my duty (sanctioned by ^reeecbnt)
to haye the pleasure of informing
ypu that I am . sure you will I
ieS| Gtntlemen of the Jury,
haying regard to all the oironm-
stances of the case, I repeat, I
am sure you will I
At the National liberal Club, on
Wednesday, Lord Rossbibt told
thecompany theywere not dancing
on a yolcano. That may be true,
but it is equally true that the
Goyemment, in proposing to re-
mit the sixpenny dut^ on whisky,
are riding for a fall in (or, shall
we say, a drop of) the ** crater."
^?
A WELLINQTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.
GlNBBAL OpDIIOH (Me, PuKOH) PRS8BNT8 TBI MXDAL OF TBS
HioBBST O&DXB or HisTuomo MnuT to Hihrt layiNO in
BBCOOVniON OF DI8TINGUISHXD SBByiOl AS CORPORAL OrEQORY
Brswstar m TBS AonoN OF Con AN Dotlb's "Stobt of Watbbloo.
ON THE NEW STATUE.
[** Her Msjesty*! QoTerntnoit an
about to entrust to one of bur fint
■culptori s great hiitorioal itttat,
whioh has too long been wanting to
the series of thoee who haTo goTcnad
England."— Xortf BotOtry dt tk$
JioyiU Aeademy Btmqud,] .>.
Our *' Uncrowned King.", it^lait
to stand
'IGdat the legitimate Lk^;!
Anointed? [bio^
How wiU they ihrinlL that ifond
Dismayed, diagosbd, dMP-
pointedl
The parvmu Proteetor thnut
Amidet the true Poiphyio-
How inUit stir right royal dut!
The mutton-eating king*! a-
menaity [ahir.
Were hardly proof agabut thii
WiLUAM the thief, SUFU8 the
holly, [«Mi—
The tndtdr John, and Jambb lh«
Their royal piirpl« how 'twill
rally
To rab against the hrewer'i hoffl
Habbt, old Mother Chiirok'i
MeettUa^yentiolerF— Enoogli!
The Butcher dinuMd not m-
land's story [noin.
But rather brightened her re-
in camp and courtitmustbenid,
And if he did not win a oown,
At least he neyer lost hit hiod !
AlCONOMr. LsGALLIEHVl^BIMt
poems there is one entitled 2V<«
Worship. It is not dedioattd
to the lessee of the Haymsriut
Theatre by *' an Admirer?'
A MAY MEETING.
Thbt met in a cake-ahophard by the Strand,
He in black broadcloih. and ahe in silk.
She had a glass of *' fizz '' in her hand.
He had a bun and a cup of milk.
She had a ranshade of burnished erimson.
He had a brolly imperfectly^ furled.
And a i>air of pince-nez wiUi tortQiseshell
rims on.
He looked tbe Church, and she seemed the
World,
They sat on each side of a marble table.
His legs were curled round the legs of his
chair.
Around them babbled a miniature Babel ;
The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.
She held a ciximpled Academy Guide,
Scored with crosses in bold blaeklead ;
A pile of leaiiets lay at his side.
And he grasped a Beport, which he grayely
read.
His shayen lip was pendulous, long,
Her mouth was a cherry-hued moue mtUine^
Hiff complacent, unoomdfy, strong.
Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.
Hfr eyes scale-gHtter, his oyster-dim,
His huge mouth hardened, her small lips
curled
As he gazed at her and she glanced at him :
He looked the Church, and she seemed the
World.
'' A holy spouter from Exeter Hall ! "
(So ahe mused as she sipped her wine.)
*VA butterfly in the Belial thrall
Of Vanity Fair. aU tinkle and shinel"
So thought ne as ne crumbled his bun
With clumsy fingers in loose black doth;
And the imf ish spirit of genial fun
Hoyured about them and mocked them both.
Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,
Beyeakd in glances aflame though fleeting ;
Sudi, in the glow of this glad May mom.
The inhuman s^t of mortal meeting.
The worm must disparage the butterfly.
The butterfly must despise the worm ;
And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er deacry
A common bond, or a middle term.
Modish fdly, factitious Art F
True, graye bomilist, sadly true I
But Etmnerg^^ tmeulcnt, tart.
What of the part that is played by you F
Ton deDauQomg the ** Snare of Beauty,"
Sh« afF^etiiifr to feel its spell, —
Wbioh falls shortest of human dutr P
Bkallow 4:&ii64jr« can you quite teU F
Meanwhile the lilae is blithely budding,
And sweetly brea^heth the nutty May,
The golden sunshine the earth is flooding.
Ami you— you eeho the old, old bray
Of Boimeryes. A broader greeting
Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes
Murht lend a meaning to your **May Meeting"
To gladden the gentle and win the wise.
**WBAT'i nr A NamiF A BoesA, &c"—
Before being ejected from the House of Com-
mons on Wednesday last, O'DoiroyAV Bossa
shouted out that '* A stain had been put upon
his name." Where is the ingenious craita-
man who did itF He might try hia hand
next time at gilding reflned gold.
QusBj,~Oam a champagne wine from the
yintage of **Ay" be myariably and fairly
desSbisdas**Ayl'»F
MODES AND MBTALa
[** Neckties made of aluminium hare ioft beca
invented in Qetmaikj,**—Eveniny i)v#r.j
YisiTED my tailor's puddling works to-day.
He has some really neat new pig-iron p^^
for the season. I am thinking of trying oil
Bessemer steel iodestructible evening-aiw
suits.
Btally this new plan of mineral MaoM
comes in yery usefully when one i^ sttMkcd
by roughs on a dark night. Floored a
assailant most satisfactorily with a toooh of
my lead handkerchief.
The only objection I can find to my
aluminium summer suiting is its tendency to
get red hot if I stand in the sun for nie
minutes.
I think I can now safely defy my laaadreii
to iigure my patent safety ironclad stcii
shirts.
I find, howeyer, that there is no need of «
laundress at all When one's linen is soikd,
sand-paper and amop wiU dean it inno tnoi.
My frock-coat has got a nasty kink mit;
must send it to be repaired at the sBMttinr
furnace.
OircE Cut dov't Coidb Agadt I— It wsi
said by TAe liaaf last week thst Jspsa
would demand ^* an extra payment of one
hundred millions of taels by China." Bw
surely a hundred Willie" Chinamen wooU
eyinoe a pig-headed obstinaoy in Ptrtioff
with, or b^ parted from, their •* ti&s " «
any conaidaration.
•'A Lightship Surwi."— IioposittsI
couldn't haye been a lii^tsh^ it must haft
been a very heayy ship. ' '^ (^ "^ '^^^
Mat 18, 189P.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
239
Daughier (erUhunastieaUy). *' Oh, Mamma I I must Lkakh Bigtoliko I So dbuohtfvl to go at such a pacb I '
Mamma (severely). "No th4HK you, mt dkar; you abb quiTM 'rxgr* BirovoH albbadtI"
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DURY OF TOBY, M.P.
Souw'of Common i^ Monday^ May 6. — Welsh DiBestablishmeiit
Bill on. '^ So is The Man from Shropshire. Stahlbt Lviohtok, as
Obosoe Tekykltak pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the
mined Ghanoery
Snitor of Bleak
House, Always
dashing into de-
hate as The Man
from Shropshire
broke in on the
business of the
Court of Chan-
oery. ** Mr. Chair-
man I "he shouts,
and waves his
arms, as The Man
from Shropshire
cried aloud, ** My
lord I My lord I"
and tried to seize
the Lord Chan-
cellor by wig or
neok. After first
ebullition, our
M«n from Shrop-
shire quietens
down. Argues
with grayify of
tone and manner
that seem to im-
jAj he has some-
thing to say.
Turns out he
hasn't; but, on
the Welsh Dis-
establikhment
Bill, that no
The Joji of OlBee. ** Speaker ! Hati off, Strsuf era I " matter.
Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard
at all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
The Man from Shropshire comes Tomunsok, who, early in Dioceed-
ings, displays irrenstible tendency to discuss points of order wiUi
Speaoer. New Spbakee has, howerer, already got Jiand in, and,
before ToMUVsoir, who re-
members being on his feet
addressing Chair, quite
knows where he is, he hnds
himself sitting down again.
Ckakbobnb also on war-
path, his very hsir bri8tlin|gr
with indignation at this
fresh attack on the Church.
Glib ObIFPITH - BOSGAWBN
has a field-night; makes
long speech (m moving In-
struction standing in his
own name. His obvious,
unaffected enjoyment of his
own oratory should be in-
fectious; but isn't.
Colonel LocKWooD, that
pillar of the Church, was
the first called on in Com-
mittee to moYC amradment.
Colonel not in his place.
Report has it the devout
man is in library reading
Thomas 1 Ebmpis. or Drb-
LUioouBT on Death. Here
is opportunity for Olib-
Gbifftth to make another
speech. Dashes in; start-
ing off with promise of good
half- hour; desire for LocK-
wooD*8 appearance irresist-
ible. As AnDisoir says, with
heredit arydisposition todrop . . ^mB/^'^^'^r^ ^ 1
into poetry, and the belief Th« Ctroi of Office.
thatheisquotingTBNNTSOK, Mr. Cawmel-Baimerman oroeses the Lobby.
240
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[Mat 18, 1895.
Better fifty wordi from Lockwood
Than a thounnd from Bosoawbn.
Soouts seat oat in all direotions. The Coloael disocnrered ia sort of
oratory he has oontrived in far reoess of Hbrary^. Broairht baok to
House : fouad BoecAWEV bowHnfc along. '* This is my show," faid
the Coloael as he passed BotiCAWBir oa his way to his se<it. More
fieroenees ia his eye than befit the man or the oooadon. Bosca.wbn
stared over his hnul, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too
predons to be lost. If Locxwoon meant to mnve his ameodment he
should have been there when oalled upon. He wasn't : Boscawsn
foand it, so to speak, by roadside. Now it was his ; would maVe
the mo«t of it ; pegged along whilst the Colonel muttered remarks
as he glared upon him. Bme who sat by said it was a prayer.
Others, oatohing a word here and there, said it was a quotation from
Thomas a Kempts. Whatever it might have beeo. Colonel seemed
much moved. Hardly pacified when« at end of twent3r minutes,
Gltb-Qbiffith sat down, and Lockwood, fiadiog himself ia peculiar
pof>ttioa of seooadiog his owu amendment, delivered the speech he
had prepared for moving it.
Bu9inu9 done.— Out into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment
Bill.
Tuesday, —VT^i^^ to see Prikc£ Aethur drop down on Gxobgb
Russell just now for speaking
disrespectfullir of Silomio. That
eminent patnot. having in his
newly-assumed character of Patron
Saint of Japan, cross-examined
Edwabd Gbxt upon latest Treaty
negotiations, accused Asqitith of
nothiog less than stealing a count y.
** Filching" was preasA word,
which has its equivalent ia Slaog
Dictioaary io sueaking. Idea of
Home Sec&etaut hovering over
the Marches in dead of night, and,
when he thought no one was look-
ing, picking up Monmouthshire,
and putting it in his coat-tail
S'Miket, amused scanty audience,
lot Sjlohio really wrath. ** Al-
ways Anti-English this GK>vern-
ment," he exclaimed, with scornful
sweep of red right hand along line
of smilinif faces on Treasury Bench.
** A stimn? burst of British pa-
triotism,*' GBOB0K Russell cha-
racterised it. John Bull in
exeeUis, The more notable since,
on refer'»nce to official reo^ rd, he
found the Knight from Sheffield
was born in the United 8tate4,
and descended from the Pilgrim
Fathers.
•'Which one?" in<iuired voice
from back bench, an inquiry very
properly disregarded. (A new Pdinir Peeler
phrase this, Sam notet, for upc by ^ *^» ^ *^*®'
retired tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retire-
meat at Clai>ham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
traosplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead ^f
*' Came over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally
hii«^orioal to sav, *' Came over with the Pilf^rim Fathers.*')
Prince Asthub not in mood lor speculation of this kind. Cut to
tbe heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards hi**
friend and colleague. In Silomio Padick Arthub has long learnt d
to recognise all the graces and all tbe talents. Apart from personal
oonpideratif^n, be feeh how much the Party owe Io him for having
raised within its ranks the standard 'if culture and conduct. To have
him attacked, even in fan, by an Under Secretary, was more than
he could stand. S^, in gravet>t tone, with no flicker of a smile on his
expressive countenance he declared that a more unfortunate speech
he had never heard. *'If the hon. gentleman intends," be added,
**to take a considerable part in debate, 1 would earnestly reoom-
mend him either to change the character of his humour, or entirely
to reprefis the exhibition."
BcAutifnl ! In its way. all things considered, best thing PRDfCE
Artbur has done this Session. House grinned ; but two big hot
tears coursed down cheek of Silomio, making deep furrows in the
warpaint.
** That's tit for tat with Gborgib Russell," said Herbert
Gardner to Solicitob-Gensral, with vague recollection of a
historic phrase.
** Quite perfect," said Locewooi). *' But what a loss the stage
has sustained by PRmcE Arthur taking to politicsF Tried both
myself and know something about it." Biuineee d(me,—Asi eight
houra day with Welsh Bisesitahliahmeat BilL
rAurf<^.— Tanker's curiodty inconveoieatly uncontrollable.
At end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking ahont
ComrANDER-iN-CHiEF or Tanner either. Sucoeirive divisions had
carried sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in
ordinary circumstances, debate stands ad joamed. Qnarterof an hour
occupieo in dividing on question whether they should divide onsmend-
ment. Prorwaal affirmed ; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh
division. Nothing possible further ^o be done. Members streamtd
forth, scramblinif for cabs in Palace Yard. Contbeare in charfce of
a Bill dealing with false alarms of fire, maaaged to get it through
Committee unopposed. Members little recked how near they were to
real alarm of worse than fire.
Twenty minutes earli'^r, when last diviibn taken, over 330
Members filled House. Now the tide ebbed ; ooly the thirty odd
Members ia their places jealously watchiog Speaker running throiuh
Orders of the T)\j. Tanner bobbing up and down on bench bice
parched pea. Heard it somewhere whisoered that Duke of Cam-
bridge, worn out with long campaign, about to unhelm, unbndcle
his sword, hang up his dinted armour. Tanner feels he oan't «o to
bed leaving unsettled the problem of truth or phantasy. Not a
moment to be lost. Bpeaee r risen to imt question * That this Hoose
do now adjourn." Then Tanner blurts out the inquiry. ''Is it
true?" "Order! order!" says
the Speaker. Well, if thev didn*t
like the question in the form he
had first put it, he would try
again.
*' I would ask," he said, adopting
conditional mood a^ least likely to
hurt anyone's feelings, *' whether
a memlier of the Boyal Family
who has really " (most desiroas of
not putting it too strongly, but
reallv you know) " been drawing
public money too long is going to
retire P "
*' Order ! order I " roared the few
Members present.
**I would a%k that question,"
reflated Tanner, still in the oon-
ditional mood, bnt nodding conii-
devitiallv all round.
The Blameless Bartley hapinly
at post of duty. Broke in with
protest. Speaker ruled question
out of order. But the ^ood Tanseb
came back like a bad sLxpenoe.
"Is his Royal Highness gomg
to retire ? " heiasisted, getting red-
der than ever in the face. "Orderl
order I " shouted Members in ohoros.
Thus encouraged. Tanner san? out
the sob again, " is his Boyal High-
ness going to retire P "
That was his question. Tbe
Speaker, distinctly differing,
affirmed " The question is that the
House do now adjourn ; " which it did straightway, leaving Dr.
Tanner to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an unanswered q:ie8tion.
*' What I should like," said Lieut-General Sir Febderick Wel-
LiNGTON FnzWTGBAM, who scTved in the Crimea with H.R.H., has
been in command of the Cavalry Brifrade at Aldershot, and in other
portions come in personal contact with the Commander-in-Chiif,
^* What 1 should Uke," he re])eated refleotiyely, stroking his ohin,
** would be tbe opportunity, enjoyed from a safe aistsnoe, of hearing
the Dock personalty reply to Tann£R*8 interrogation."
Busineu done, — Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.
Fridai/, — Sqdire sat through dull morning sittiug listening with
air of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budgets Qcil-
TVE led off with in^odigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer.
Seems thev fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
Brookfifli), looking round and observing both Josepvt and Jebsb
absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham
ban reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer oontaming
minimum of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the
greatest damage to the system. Squire, momentarily waking vp
from moumfnl mond, observed that Birmingham is also head-
quarters of Liberal Unionipm. Might be nothing in coincidence, bat
there it was. Rasch posed as the distressed agrioultnrist Jokik
tried to walk on both sides of road at same time, and Government
got majority of 24. Busineee done,— -Bridget Resolutions agreed to.
upon BoBsa !
TO TVETTE GVILBERI AT THE EMPIRE. j
Tvette! your praise resounds on every handO I ^
And those laugh budest who least unaeratand.
Mat 36. 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIIL
341
STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE.
Unclb Tobt and the Widow Wadmak, ab thbt might hayh bbin.
[** Unel$ Toby and Widow Wadmm.*^ C. B. Lbslib, B.A. Exhibited at the Royal Academy in 1831.]
A Mask AeAnrar
I>HHiaBX.~At the
beginnings of Imat
week it wae mid-
summer weather,
and not to haye oait
off winter elothing
and donned light
attire would have
been deemed *' Mid-
lommer madneee.**
But by Thnreday
^^<m a changS tout
eeia^ exoept the
obthes, and we wore
in midwinter I The
Daily TeUgraphU
weatner- clerk ob-
8erTed,thataU"thiB
reeolted from a deep
depreeti<Ri in Den-
mm." Iteertaioly
caoBed deep depree-
flionhere: and there
mmt be * something
rotten in the State
of Denmark '* which
onght to be looked to
immediately. Ere
these lines appear we
heme— sineereiyhqpe
—that we shall haye
retraced oor steps
towards
QvBKT Sve-
0X8TKD.— Wereadin
the Financial TSnieM
that **A comer in
camphor is, it is
stated, being ar-
ranged." Istobein
**a comer in cam-
phor" as ffood as
being "laid up in
lavender"?
I A CENTUEY OP CENTUEDSS.
; [By tcoriiig 288 in the match Gloucester v.
Sosienet at Briitol, on May 17, Mr. W. O. Graob,
now nearior hii 47th birthday, made his hundredth
jinningt of 100 runs or oyer in first-class matches.]
*'OnuLBJ0vadayI Callooh! CaUay!''
'S^g Punch on the serenteenth instant May,
, With a trae JabberwookLan chortle,
< As he saw the swipe, on the Bristol groond.
Which worked Gb^ci*8 hundred of centuries
round;
. A record ne'er egualled by mortaL
** My beamish boy" — of nigh for^-seyen—
There isn't a cheerier sight under heayen
Than W. G. at the wicket [snsck,"
When your "yorpal" bat "goes snioker-
Punch loyes to lie, with a tree at his back.
And watch what he calls Cricket.
And DOW, as a topper of thirty ircars.
After many hopes, and a few faint fears.
(Which Punch neyer shared for a jiffy.)
You 'ye done the trick I Did your pulse
beat quick
As you crept notch by notch within reach
of the nick P
Did eyen your heart feel squiffy P
Punch frankly owns Att went jdt-a-pat
WhOe he folloired the ball and watched your
bat
As the nineties slowly tottled :
And the boys of the Bristol Brigade held
breath.
Is an anxioDs sUenee as still as death.
Butdil like good fizz unbottled,
We all " let go" with a loud " hooray "
As the leather was safely " put away "
For that hundredth hundred. Ymly,
Now you're the " many centuried " Gb^ob I
And for many a year majr you keep top place.
Piling three-figure iniungs right menily I
Gamb from thr HioHLAin)8.— a " Scotch
Golfer of Twenty Years' Standing" (poor mani
he certainly ought to be inyited to take the
chair at any Golf meeting !) writesto the Liver-
pool Daily Post comj^aining that noyioes in
England will persitt in sounding the letter
** 1" in the title of the sport, " although on
eyery green from John o Groats to Ainie it
remains silent in the mouth of player and
caddie alike." As the Golfer "puts" it, the
name should be "goff," or eyen "gowf."
As long as there is plenty of acreage for the
game, an " ell ^' is not worth mentioning.
Musical Notb of "Herr Willy Buk-
ME8TER"— or "Our" WiLLT. " Blcss
youl " as the old salt said ; "he fiddles Uke
a angel I " Of course, Hke all yiolinists, the
hair of his head is oeculiar, but his airs on
his yiolin are marveUous in execution.
XlNiyBBSITT PBiyiLlOB HOT GBHBBALLT
KBOwir.— When a resident Oxonion is suffer-
ing from a bronchial attack he is entitled to
the professional attendance (gratia) of " The
Curators of the Chest."
EXTBA - OBDINABT BSLF - AmnBILATIKe
Cavvibals.— Children, when they oyer-eat
themsdyes.
yoL. oynL
llgM'i. ' c '
THE WAIL OF THE WALWORTH WOTER.
r" Many of our men hare certainly been got at."
—JFahoerth Liberal Agent.]
"Got at," my boy P Well, that's a faok;
Yet not by Lahsbubt, Rbadb, or Bailbt.
But by the burdens on our back.
As seem a-gettin' heayier daily.
Trade 's bloomin' bad, and rents is high ;
Yet more and more the GuVment axes.
Progress, old maiL is all my heye,—
As means raised rents, and rates, and taxes.
School Boards, Free liberies, an' such,
With County Council schemes, look proper ;
When they too 'ard poor pockets touch
On them the poor mti«^ put a stopper.
Fust we 'aye got to liye, I ray ;
To pay our way. and grub our young 'uns.
Will Bads make that more easier, hay.
Than wot you call " Bible and Bunruns" F
ByJingo, if you want our wotes.
You ni git 'em, not by playing peeper.
Or wetoing beer from our poor throats ;
But— making life easier and cheaper I
Oot at f Wy, y us, by want o' grub.
And rents an*^ taxes too extensiye ;
And so we 'U weto — not the Pub,
But " Progreee " wot eomee too expensive !
Pabxibs ik thb Housb of CoMMOirs.—
Besides the usual number of parties, there
will alwsgrs be, during the fine summer
weather. Tea-parties.
CoHTBABicTioir.^ Tremendous "Cnuhing
Beports" come in from the mines, and, in spite
of tids, mining shares are better than oyer.
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAMVARL
[Hat 26, 1895.
Digitized by
Goo^h
Mat 25] 1896.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
343
New AsnsUmt {after hair-cutting, to J<mes, %oho keu hem away far a wupU of iMdb),
SivoBWOl" JofM [q/ter apawe). *'Tb8, I thihk I will."
N, A, {after HngeimgX "Shakpoo, Sib? Good fob thb 'Aib, Sib.** Jonee. "Tbaks tou. Tbs."
N, A. *'YouB MorsTioHBS oimLBDf'* Jones, "Plbasb." If, A, "Mat I oitb tou ▲ Fbiotion?"
N. A, "Will tou try bomb of oub "
Manager *who has just eighted his man, in Stage whisper), ** Tou Idiot 1 He 's a Sub8CBIB1B 1 1 **
" Tous 'AiB 18 ybbt thin bb'iitd, Sib. Tbt
Jones, "TeAint tou.'
WAITING POE NASaULLA.
f *' The original arrangemeBti for Nasbulla Khan's reception in London
hare undergone coniiderable alteration."— 2)«i^ Feper.]
** Of oonne we oaght to act on preoedentw'' said Wiae Man Number
One. " We oan*t be far out if we do that.''
" I am not so sure," replied Number Two of the Series. '* When
the Shah oame over we gave him a prize-fiffht at Bueldngham Palaoe,
and the entertainment subc equently causea muoh hostile oritioism in
dapham."
*^It is to be regretted^" sighed the Third, "that the Polyteohnio
Institution no longer exists. It would haye amused his TTighnfl— to
have descended in the diyin^ belL"
" No doubt^" put in the initial speaker ; '* but something of the
same efleot mi^ht be obtained hj conducting Nabbulla either to the
Muf eum of Mines in Jermyn Street or theDiidoma Gallery at Bur-
lington House."
** Quite so. Ard what do 3 on say to the Natural History Museum,
and a special yisit in semi-state to the top of the Monument P "
This niggestion was well received. Then a trip to Eew, and a ride
on the Elephant at the Zoo were considered not unfavourably.
" Shall fie ffo 
Open Library