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JAMES NICHOLSON 

TORONTO.CANADA 




Presented to the 
LIBRARY of the 

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO 



THE ESTATE OF THE LATE 
JAMES NICHOLSON 





LONDON : 
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET. 



AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 

1856. 




LOSBO 
HRADITOBY AXD ETAS3, 



r 




"1 /TB. PUNCH presents this, his THIRTIETH VOLUME, as a Peace-offering to the Nations. 



The Book is 

to be received as printed upon palm-leaves ; carrying words of wisdom smooth as oil, wholesome as 
corn, and strong as wine. 



MR. PUNCH has to acknowledge the courtesy of the EARL OF CLARENDON. That urbane and sagacious 
nobleman, with an alacrity charming to contemplate in the statesman nature, has charged himself with the 
pleasant (and henceforth historical) duty of forwarding to all English Ambassadors a special copy of this, 
MR. PUNCH'S, THIRTIETH VOLUME ; to be by them duly presented to the Emperors, Kings, and Potentates 
upon whose Courts they cast the radiance of their delegated wisdom. The Ambassadors aforesaid are, more- 
over, charged to read the whole of the contents of the offered Book, from the first page to the last, to 
the imperial, royal, or otherwise governing individual; and further, to dwell upon the manifold beauties and 
significances dwelling in the abounding illustrations, like tints and odours in flowers, and pearls in shells, 
to the end and- purpose that the governing mind, haply to its own astonishment, may become uplifted and 
harmonised to the highest labours and the noblest utterances. MR. PUNCH has calculated that, two hours 
a day will, in a month, suffice to pour out the contents of the Volume into even the smallest and densest 
crowned head hitherto visible to the naked eye of the subject. In one month, if the HON. W. TEMPLE 
does true reader's duty, the KING OF NAPLES will be so improved, that the dearest of his lazzaroni will not 
know him. Incontinently, a bomb-shell will have been mollified into a melon ! 

The EMPEROR ALEXANDER, seated under his own fir-tree, will give attentive ear to the written sayings 
of PUNCH ; and bending his contemplative eye-balls on the sermons, graphic in wood, will become pacific as 
a stock-dove ; to the end that he may ever after live well and die happy. 

To the EMPRESS EUGENIE, for the earliest reading of her son and France's present heir, MR. PUNCH 
sends a choice copy. If the good and beautiful Empress and Mother will only teach baby his letters from 



IT 



PREFACE. 



[JONE 28, 1856. 



the pages of MR. PUNCH ; if she will but condescend to unfold his rose-bud mind, by awakening in the 
infant brain emotions of wonder, delight and merriment "from the pictures/' future France may recognise 
a benefactress in EUGENIE, and something better than a PEPIN in her little boy. 

LORD STRATFORD DE REDCLIFKK will only too readily undertake the reading of PUNCH to the Sultan. 
II is Lordship, it is said, is not a very punctual letter-writer; but he reads unfailingly, sonorously as a 
.Muezzin calls from the minaret. (Xvtc. MR. PUNCH has to inform the Sultan, that he waives his right of 
translation into Turkish.) 

SIR HAMILTON SEYMOUR may, or may not, as he thinks best, read MR. PUNCH'S Volume to FRANCIS- 
JOSKI-H. It is, however, to be feared that for the present the young man's ears are so full of lamb's-wool 
shorn by the nuns of ST. AOXKS, and dyed a Roman scarlet from the Kalendar, that not even PUNCH can. 
search LORD ABERDEEN'S " hope," and other men's hopelessness, of Austria. 

Of course, a Volume has been specially bound for VICTOR-EMMANUEL, who will be pleased to receive 
with the Copy, MR. PUNCH'S distinguished consideration. 

A Copy will remain with the EARL OF CLARENDON to be despatched by him with the new British 
Ambassador to the United States; always supposing that throughout Great Britain may be discovered that 
favoured individual in whose mind shall centre all that moral excellence, that intellectual delicacy, so rigorously 
demanded by the high standard set forth and exemplified by JONATHAN himself. It is to be hoped that 
our Ambassador will not have to read his PUNCH to MR. PIERCE ; for MR. PUNCH would as soon endeavour 
to transform hickory into cinnamon, or talk JIM CROW into JOHN SWAN, as hope to move PIERCE a P 
from IEKCE. No: the President for the time being defies the influence of all humane letters. In the 
ferocity of his patriotism, PIERCE would grin the very bark off the Tree of Knowledge. 

In a little month from the delivery of his Volumes, MR. PUNCH has a lively belief that the world 
will feel the benignant influence of his teaching through its civilised and regenerated rulers. In the mean- 
time, the Briton will be pleased to feel duly proud with the conviction of the fact that MR. PUNCH as the 
Schoolmaster, is Abroad, and that, even crowned heads are made to listen to him. Every crowned head, 
too, like every medal, has its reverse. If Mil. PUNCH can twine the bay, can he not also bind the birch? 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1856. 



.Tenner b. 

Tim. Sim. 
8l.Dun.UD 
S t. 4h 3m 
S. *. 7Lfi>m 
Corp. Chr. 
11 ft.mil i*. 
V.h.lflllJ 
. Su.nf.Tr. 
I'.. H.l. b.] 
K. Hui. b. 

No r..l nt. 

K.CIi. II. 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1856. 



FACTS FOR JANUARY. 

SCATURAL HISTORY. 

Ox the ninth of January 1814, a young 
Kng!i>h traveller in America had taken 
his gun and strayed into the backwoods 
in quest of sport. After some hours oi 
wandering, he came upon a beavrr pond, 
and beheld the sagacious animals that 
had reared the dam, swimming in all di- 
rections. He prepared to fire, but UwT 
instantly dived, and eluded his Kim. Hi" 
largest beaver lingered last, and stroking 
M own gloMT skin with his ample tall, 
hilly remarked, as he sank, "How's ymir 
Hatter?" 

I5lh. Furze blossoms open for the Mason. 

Several birds Issue In this month their 
first notes. The Wren's first note is due 
D the 5th, and the Marsh Titmouse is 
guilty of uttering on the J6th. 

InthetimeofQrr.es ASSE a r: 
was baited on New Year's Day. in tin' nrr- 
Mnee of a number of insane donkeys. 



ORAL TOR JANC ARY. 

Saxon or Welshman, Scot or Celt, 
Name, by right name, this mouth BO 
merry. 

Pronounce it just as it Is spelt. 
And never call it Janoiwerry. 



HIST ox EVENING PARTIES. A young 
lady, after dancing nil night and several 
hours longer, will generally find, on con- 
sulting the looking-glass, that the even- 
ing's amusement will not bear the morn- 
ing's reflection. 

HILARY TEEM is named from St. Hilary, 
a celebrated arpier, who has been adopted 
hy the lawyers, because after proving black 
was whlte.be could still go on arguing "till 
all was blue." 

WINTER ADVICE To Torso LADIES. 
Thin shoe* lead to damp feet; damp feet 
bring on a cough; a cough may terminate 
in a coffin. 

MORAL EFFKCT OF SICKNESS. During 
convalescence every patient is sure to be 
doing well. 

SEVERITY OF THE SBASON. Russia takes 
cold, and tallows her own nose. 

ADVICE FOR NEW YEAR'S DAY. Never 
neglect the Present. 




FACTS FOR FEBRUARY. 

ECCLESIASTICAL HISTORY. 

THE third of the month is dedicated t 
ST. BLAZIUS. He was grently celebrate 
lor his hospitality, and, as a bishop, ej 
cited some scandal hy inviting persor 
who were going to church on a cold roornin 
to r.'inc. into his house on their way,ari 
w:mn themselves. Hence came the phrasf 
"going to Bi.A/irs, or Mazes," anil t 
vulgar reply to the statement that one hi 
been to church " Yes, a church with 
chimney in it." 

On the 6th of February, 1756, the sho[ 
were shut up on account of recent cartl 
q'uikcs. A lew Quakers, who refused i 
join the cartliquaker-i, were lined. 

On the 13th of February, 1756, the fta 
of tlio pirate AXOIUA was taken. He wi 
much irritated hy his loss, and among tl 
|iiis"in-i-s was the wile of ANGRJA, whic 
although he lost his self-possession, mai 
him AXGRIA still. 



MORAL FOB FEBRUARY. 

G KT born upon Feb. 29, 

For Leap years come but one in four j 
A toast 's a thing that spoils one's wine 

You save three-fourths of birthday bor 



Fos A COLD IN 

IN Yol 



THE HEAD, TIIEIUC Is NiiTIHXil LIKE A STEAM BATH, AXU THIS CAN HE HAD 

R owx BEDROOM WITH THE UREATEHT EASE. You HAVE ONLY TO 



A MELANCHOLY ACCIDENT. Tl 
"Speaking Machine," that made such 
noise in London a few years hack, has lo 
its voice from indiscreetly attempting 
pronounce the names of the Russian coi 
manders, whilst it had a cold in the head 

A TEMPERANCE NOTION. Why is a s 
so generally called a drunken dog? Is 
not by reason of the habit which most do] 
have, Qf getting under the table? 

THE PHILOSOPHY OF SMOKINO. Fi 
young men smoke a great deal, for it 
the nature of a Rake to have a quanti 
of Weeds about him. 

THE CHACE. The season of 1856, beii 
Leap year, will doubtless be memorable 
the annals of fox-hunting. 

THE WORLD'S OPINION. A mean man 
a person with a small income who liv 
within it. 

IKISH DEVF.LOPEMENT. Pat and b 
whiskey resemble each other; they con 
cut to most advantage in " hot water." 




TAKE CARE THAT YOU MANAGE THE APPARATUS PROPERLY. 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1856. 



FACT FOR MARCH. 

ENGLISH HISTORY. 

OK the eighteenth we commemorate 
EDWARD, King of the West Saxons. His 
character presented a singular compound, 
and he was himself fond of a singular com- 
pound of methlegiu, woad, and mangel 
worzel, which he used to mingle in a bowl 
jefore all his court, facetiously declaring, 
;hat he liked to mix in company. To him 
is attributed a saying, now confined to the 
most stupid vulgar. At one of his orgies, 
.here was but a single pine torch lighted, 
at which he was incensed. A courtier re- 
narked, that though the guests were in 
the dark, there was light enough for the 
nonarch. EDWAKD imperiously replied, 
' Throw a little light upon the subject." 



SACKCLOTH AND ASHKS. A London 
Uderman was heard to remark, that he 
lidn't so much mind living upon hushes 
luring Lent, but that as for the sackcloth, 
ae 'd only take the first half of it. 

THE affectionate heart thinks it good to 
lave two strings to its beau ; the volatile, 
wo beaux to its string. (Punch to the fair 
-eader. Affectionate or volatile?) 

IT is not impossible that the Mor- 
nonites may derive their name from the 
act, that some of them have Mor(e)- 
non-ey than wit. 

THE MOST HONOURABLE ORDER OK THH 
3ATH. To order a Bath, and pay for it at 
-he time of giving the Order. 

GOOD luck will drive hedge-hogs to 
narket, and when he gets 'em there, will 
,nd 'em all guinea-pigs. 

G ARDENING DIRECTIONS. Put VenUs's 

Booking-Glass into a Frame. 
BIOORAPHIHAL. SIR ISAAC NEWTON was 
ever married. He thought more of 
iaturn's ring than Hymen's. 
SCIENTIFIC PROBLEM. If electricity 
nnthilates time, how about the electric 
lock? 

A NOVEL CONUNDRUM. Why is a vacant 
Episcopal See like a new Novel? Because 
the right of Translation is reserved." 
HINT ON HEALTH. For air and exercise 
oo many young ladies resort almost esclu- 
ively to the piano. 




MORAL FOR MARCH. 

A BUSHEL of March-winnow'd dust 
Is worth, they say, a monarch's ransom ; 

Let BOMBA save it mobs don't trust; 
For such a life such price were handsome. 



WHAT A TKRRIBLE TURK ! 

" Oil ! IIEKK'S A JOLLY S.\OW BALL. LET '8 TAKE AND PUT IT AGIN SOMEBODY'S DOOR ! ' 



NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. A veterinary 
surgeon, wlw.se commission will bear date 
the First of April, is about to be appointed 
to every Regiment of Horse Marines. 

HIGH ART. The highest specimens of 
A rt in London are undoubtedly SIB JAMBS 
TIIORNHILL'S paintings in the dome of St. 

i'lUll'H. 

HAPPY LAND. An ingenuous youth said, 
he should like to go to school in Scotland, 
because he understood it was the Land ot 
Cakes. 

CONTAGION. Several young ladies who 
were accustomed to sit under a popular 
preacher, became, consequently, much 
affected. 

MICE'S MELODIES. The cry of the 
grouse, the bark of the dogs, the crack of 
the guns. 

CHEMISTRY FOR LADIES. Beef contains 
nitrogen as well as oxygen. 

A BRIEF ACQUAINTANCE. That 01 the 
Barrister with his Client. 

WBAT games could never be brought to 
sixes and sevens? All- Fours and Fives. 

How TRADESMEN SHOULD SERVE THBIR 
CUSTOMERS. With civility, without ser- 
vility. 

DEFINITION FOR THE BAND OF HOPE. 
A Teetotaller is a person who eats his toast 
instead ef drinking it. 

MEW AND INSECTS. The Ant subsists 
by its own industry ; the Uncle by that of 
other people. 

POLITICAL PARADOX. Acts of Parlia- 
ment will afford increased provisions, but 
not food. 

BEWARE of the officious friend. He is 
the too well-meaning man, who in the 
pathway of the early bird would strew 
worm-lozenges. 

THE EGLANTINE IK BLOOM. A fox- 
hunter has remarked, that he should say 
the flower of all others with the finest 
scent was the dog-rose. 




A DELICATE COMPLIMENT. 

Itrst Whip (who is a little ruffled Ixwutt the Fox won't break). " Now, THEN, SIR! OUT o' THE WAY, UNLESS YOU 'LL ORT INTO THE COVER. MAYHAP YOUR UGLY MUG MIGHT 



FIUOUTKN HIM OUT. COME DP 'OSS 1 ' 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1856. 



A ( I. i:\-I.K I>OG. 

in I.M been 
recorded of the saga- 
city ot i 

u-k has 
never hither' 
nude, that the dog 

ill nn 
little tnlungpUiuiiM 

an arti 
tu draw a ba 



*"HAI. FOB .l]i:il. 

Tun First's a day 

when folks are 

old 
By gamesome youth 

nlMMd from 

Mbool; 
Neither at thai time, 

reader bold, 
Nor auy other, be a 

Fool. 



AxExijrisi 
KHW l il i 
that anybody hut H 
very low Irishman 
ran ever think of 
wearing second-hand 
boots? 

DOMESTIC EcoxoKr. 
A good hi 
hearing l>nic Prt- 
lervtd highly spoken 
at. uks for a receipt 
to make it. 

SACK. The wine 
that some people 
would like to gin. the 
laureate. 



QUITE A NEW SENSATION. 




Sxell (on top o/ Omnihu.~) ." LOOK HF.BE. Gus, nv HOY! SITU A CAPITAL I DKAW ! I nmr. rr AND cows FROM BAYSWATUV 
TO THK WHITE CHAPEL AND EAT I'EMUINKLES WITH A PIN!" 



MERCANTILE. 

THK principal Lon- 
don Market for Chaff 
is Billingsgate, and 
not, an might have 

j.t^trd, ill 

Mark Lane. 



ADULTERATION' OF 
FOOD. A Cockney 
wag of uncultivated 
aspirations WHS In-ard 
to say, that bakers' 
bread reminded him 
of the Middle 
because he always 
ted the idea of 
it with UALLAM. 

IN this month na- 
ture Ix'gins to smile, 
and the inuls t<i tur -*! 
out laughing, aflerthe 
dnlness of winter. 
The birds once more 
present their bills, 
and their notes art) 
renewed. 

HERALDIC BOTANY. 
What is called a 
Genealogical Tree 

may otteu be Ih'jtrr 
described as a i 
logical Plant, 

A NAVAL QITES- 
TIOX. When the 
British sailor talks of 
Land marines, does 
he mean Hallway na- 
vigators ? 

THE POET OF TEE- 
TOTALLERS. TAY- 
LOR, the " Water 
poet." 



FACT FOB Al'HIL CONVENTUAL HISTORY. 

THK nineteenth is the day of Archbishop AI.I'UEOE or 
AU.FODOK. He was an exceedingly learned man, a scholar 
and a rntleman, and his intimate acquaintance with the 
classical l:in-n-,-s enabled him. when only an archdeacon, to 
Unnrii the must abusive execrations at his stupid su|i 
win!.- thev iliuii^ht In* was reading some ancient authur tu 
them, a! din! sual in the convent. A very long 

thin, narrow, spoon, was once held up to him by his Abbot, 



] who asked him, what such things were good for? " Fropria 
"rrowbonis," answered ALPHEOE, amid the roar of the 



'monks. 



I:XTF.MI'ORAXKOUS COOKERY. A policeman descended an 
u admitted into the kitchen, and iinding nothing else 
there to allay his hunger, collared an eel. 

HINT fun THE SCHOOL or DESKIM. It is proposed to pre- 
pare a variety of Art-marbles for the use of street-boys. 



SAINT GEORGE, the patron saint of England, began life, we 
are told, as a dealer in bacon; and this being the ease, his name 
would be more appropriately associated with the hog in 
armour than with the groea dragon. Having commenced 
business as a pork butcher, it is strange that he should have 
become a Bishop; but his destruction of a dragon was not 
incompatible with his labours iu pursuit of sausage-meat. Ho, 
may be said to have met his death after the manner of his 
own trade, for the people tore him to pieces. 







PUBLIC IMPROVEMENTS IN 1856. 

A GOVERNMENT CLERK IN 1854 (reading 
a Newspaper)." Attend to you directly! 
Can't you see I 'm busy ? " 

A GOVERNMENT CLERK is 1856 (hard at 
his utsK)." I shall be happy, Sir, as soon 
as I have calculated the precise amount of 
the Legacy Duty for this good lady, to give 
you all the information you require. Will 
you be kind enough to take a seat? " 

A CABMAN ix 1854. "Call yourself a 
genelman? If you can't afford to ride, vy 
don't you valk ? " 

A CABMAN IN 1856. "The faro is very 
low, Sir ; but still, as every sixpence is an 
object, I am extremely obliged to you. Be 
careful of the step, Sir." 

MORAL FOR MAY. 

WELCOME are all its flowers and bowers, 
As guests when one has bidden 'em ; 

But you 're not welcome to the flowers, 
Mind this, when down at Sydenham. 



ECONOMY IN BEATING CARPETS. When 
you purchase your Carpets, take care to buy 
one that is infinitely superior to all the rest ; 
for such a Carpet will beat every other 
Carpet you have in the house. 

CKUEL KINDXKSS. The parish would 
present ME. DOBBS with a silver cake- 
basket, and MRS. DOBBS, (it is the com- 
plaint of D.) will ruin him in giving parties 
to show it. Beware of testimonials. 

HOPE FOB, YOUNG BEGINNERS. All 
things are possible to perseverance. 3/r. 
Punch once knew a spider that resolved 
to spin nothing short of whipcord, and the 
spider did it. 

ASTRONOMICAL. Venus is seen without 
a Coronet, and influenza attacks a foreign 
crowned head. Let the sister of KINO 
BOMBA look to it. 

WHAT AN IDEA ! A fashionable young 
lady, hearing of COLEBIDGE'S Aids to Re- 
flection, wished to know if they were toilette 
candles 1 

CUI.IXAUY APHORISM. Itia not the sweet 
pea that makes the soup. 

Da MINORES. The Policeman whose beat 
is in " the Minories." 

A COMING COURT CIRCULAR. Yesterday 
OMAK PAPUA attended at the fancy ball at 
Buckingham Palace, as Jack-in-the-GreeB, 
finding his own laurels. 




Small Smell ( 

GIVE ME YOUR 
THE WOBLDI ' 

tack to School.) 



OFFENDED DIGNITY. 

who lias just finished a Quadrille). " H'M, THANK GOODNESS, THAT'S OVER! DON'T 

BREAD AND BUTTER MlSSKB TO DANCE WITH. I LIKE YOUR GROWN WOMEN OP 

'(fl.B. The bread and outler Miss has asked him, how old he ma, and when he went 



FACT FOR MAY. 

TOPOGRAPHICAL HISTORY, 

ST. DUNSTAN is commemorated on the 
nineteenth. It is not generally known, 
that there were two saints of this name, 
so much alike that they were always 
tumbling over one another's miracles, and 
generally getting into muddies. At last 
the more intelligent of the two purchased 
for himself a very splendid waistcoat, in 
which he appeared upon all occasions, re- 
marking, " There can be no mistake now, 
as everybody can see I ain ST. DUNSTAN 
in the West." 

REASONS FOR WEARING A 
MOUSTACHE. 

WE have been able to draw up a table 
of the different reasons for wearing a 
Moustache. We have questioned not less 
than 1000 persons so adorned, and their 
answers have helped us to .the following 
result : 

To avoid sliasinc 69 

To avoid catching cold 32 

To hide their teeth 6 

To take away from a prominent nose E> 
To avoid being taken as anEnglishman 

abroad 7 

Because they are in the army fi 

Because they have been in the army.. 221 

Because PBIHCB AtnsBTdoesit 2 

Because it is artistic 2*J 

Because you are a sineer i 

Because you travel a ueal \ 17 

Because you have lived long; on the 

Continent '. '' 

Because the wife likes It 8 

Because you have wek lungs 5 

Because it acts as a respirator 2- 

Because it is healthy 77 

Because the young ladies admire it ., 471 
Because it is considered " the thing " . 10 
Because he chooses 1 

It will be seen from the above Table, 
that not one person confesses to " Vanity " 
being the motive. The majority of persons 
wear a moustache because they imagine in 
their conceit that it becomes thm, but 
how rarely you meet with a person wko has 
the courage to admit it? 



TEMPERANCE AMONG THE WORKING 
CLASSES. A strike amongst workmen who 
have taken the pledge may be regarded as 
a case of tea and turn out. 

WHY Is the tail of a Peacock like an 
autobiography ? Because it is a tail of I's 
(eyes). 

A WISE SAW AND A MODERN INSTANCE. 
Sparrows are not caught with sparrow- 
grass. 



FLY-FISHING. A NICE EIPPLE ON THE WATEE. " NOW FOB A BIG ONE!" 




A TABLE FOR CALCULATING T1JE INTEREST OF A PIECE IN FIVE ACTS. 



Slamming of Doon, or) 
* laugh in the wrong >- mtant 
place .j 

Coughing, SMulng . . 

1'ilto. with scraping and) 
stamping of feet . . j " 

Hill.,, ditto, with wlilstA 

ling, Inix.'.i lip with I 

and I 

familiar inquiries, ad- V 
drc< ,nle- 

mcn .- to I 

the actors . . . / 

loud talking amongst) 
the gentlemen . .j 



But little or no interest. 

Dangerous impatience. 
Fatal Ennui. 



Certain Condemnation. 



Number of friends sent 
In with orders. 



Favorable attention. The 
gallery is evidently 
listening on its elbows 
with all the power of 
its shirt-sleeves^ 
The greatest interest. A 
triumphant success. 
" This piece will be 
repeated every night 
until further notice." 
* The interest of a piece runs on generally in propor- 
tion to the piec itself. In most instances it goes on in- 
u; at the rate of compound interest up to fifty nights; 
but when the piece has been running so long as that, then 
the Interact be-ins diuinlablng gradually, until at last it 
comes down to nothing. When the interest has been quite 
exuuited, it is a most difficult thing to get the bill renewed. 



I Cry of " Turn him ) 
out" at any noise, or v 
unseemly interruption) 



General display of hand- 
kerchiefs and prodi- 
gal blowing of noses 
amongst the ladies 



HINTS FOR THE NURSERY. 

TIIK treatment of a new-born child should be kind, but not 
cordial and especially not GODPBKY'S Cordial. 

Children should be encouraged to rise with the lark but 
the lark should not consist of a bolstering match or any 

Klllltljl I- ri/>/>llnnflTl * 



similar occupation. 



MORAL FOB JUNK. 

A RHTHE the word suggests will suit, 
No special moral 's taught by June : 

If you re an ass, and blow a mile, 
Why, do not blow It out of tune. 




Ml!. m:\VIT HAS A LITTLE ADDITION TO HIS FYMILY- 
UOED TO GET HIS MKAT.S A\vnoW-AXD- 



ABWCATES IN FAVOUR OF THE REAL MASTER OF 
THE HOUSE. 



FACT rui: .11 M-.. -n:i:xr-n HISTORY. 

of(V!',", I*!'", 1 ' ''""," ' '< F>. o"d son 

To., M. i ' besieging 

M for CIIABLIM TH 

n'l V 

Mi,, attack v, pressed 

'"''' >f Sun. 

donj< 

'.""!' " c itrick 

;;.;:." U I-,,,,.,,-, knocking 

A " r,v A .-.Bin, WAS 

AI.W.I, rs : 

" Om> Cln "><' lt tl"' 

,,f tiie CoMii,. 

.'ik of England's 



STANZAS FOR TIIK SENTIMENTAL. 

ileMnutg tn pM wit/: Auasi.lXA al Ml: 

Punman 

IT may not be at least not yet 

,,,,')',- 'that bid. me own tt 

Think not my promise Id i;.r.'t 

Hut for awhile I must postpone it. 
Think not I've ceased to love the wl,H 

polka mazy 

Norlhat thy h.iir is out of curl ' 
r that thy KDHIN'S get!,,,- l nzy . 

Think not 'tis tlirou inniialmi 

""I^tawtlieedlgappilnS; 

.N v rtl,;,i a p,,.|ti,.r rival's ,.]., ', 

Thy nasal organ have disjointed. 
Nay, teach not those nwent lips to ponf 

N;.r at my pleading make rn faces ' 
till thy faithful Kmv.v dSV- 

know then the truth: I've broke my braces 



-MARINE ZOOLOGY. 

io?to E mt?~ h T? i '," " wc "- kni) ' 1 "' nta l to mythologlsts, if 
Tade of ?h l " s '" ria " s ; but no mention has hitherto been 

"ures n! ."h K , e f a ; do " k<1 >-- A "tropolit, m friend, however 
wl "r o, T't v 7T PX " i ' S '' "^'"tiire in that celebrated 

nrlpool, the Maelstrom, which he says is a Neddy 



. Hahy~i7 a living 1.0 U a 



" 



, 

by ants. >\ hat nepotal affection in the Aunts ! 

- f ^ 



CEOWM.-A fashionable 



ruit 



JOKES ON 
JUDGES. 

THRRK is an affinity 
between the ermine 
and the motley. Great 
Judges will often in- 
dulge in small jokes. 
Those who relish le- 
gal fun should repair 
to the Courts of Law 
in HilaryTerm,when 
their Lordships may 
naturally be expected 
to be most hilarious. 



MORAL FOB JULY. 

OFF to the Rhine, the 

Rhone, the Po; 
To Belgic flats, or 

Switzer hills, 
Off, but take off, before 

you. go, 

Something, with 
cash, from trades- 
men's bills. 



LABOUR & WAGES. 
During the rain of 
ST. SWITHIN, which 
occurs about harvest 
time, it is in vain .or 
the reaper to expect a 
fair day's wages fora 
fair day's work. 

SICKNESS EXTRAOR- 
DINARY. Last week 
a man bolted a door, 
and threw up a win- 
dow ! 

Civic SALUTATION. 
May your shadow 
never be greater! 




THINGS ARE SO BAD IN THE CITY, THAT MR. SNAFFLE AND MR. FLUKER GO TO 
BOULOGNE FOR CHANGE AND AIR. 



FACT FOR JULY. 

MONKISH HISTORY. 

THK fifteenth is ST. 
SWITHIN'S day. The 
vulgar error that con- 
nects this saint with 
bad weather, and con- 
founds him with ST. 
AQUARIUS, cannot be 
too generally refuted. 
If anything, the for- 
mer saint was too 
dry; and the legend 
that much rain follows 
his aopaarauce was 
founded on a saying 
prevalent in his con- 
vent. When it was 
liis turn to be the 
butler, he was very 
liberal with the li- 
quor, and the monks 
used to say, " Here 
comes S WITHIN the 
Soaker. Gramercy, 
i' fackins, by our Lady, 
anon we shall have 
much heavy wet." 



AGRICULTURAL 
CHEMISTRY. 
THE following ques- 
tion is from the Ex- 
amination Papers ot 
Cirencester College: 
When HOMER spoke 
of Juno as " the ox- 
eyed" what oxide did 
he probably refer to? 

IT'S a long lane that 
has no turning, was 
first said of Chancery 
Lane, and it has never 
turned yet. 



GREAT NEWS FOR THE DRAMA. MR. FITZBOBH, under the 
lunation of the present month, buys a bottle of ink, takes 
off his coat, and goes to work on a new Central American play 
for the Aztecs: the distinguished antiquarian ODSBODLIKINS 
supplies the authorities. 

THK Russian Calendar adheres to what Is called the Old 
Style, and is twelve days in arrear of all the rest of Europe. 
This accounts for Russia being so much behind the time. 



PARADOX OF INSKCT LIFE. The habits of the spider are 
stationary. He seldom travels far from the locality in which 
he first saw the light. It is curious that the spider should 
travel so little, and yet be continually taking tiies. 

IDBAS OF ANIMATED NATOBE. u All is not gold that glit- 
ters," as the slug said to the shiny beetle. When the wild 
goose related this to the porpoise, the latter answered, " 1SIai - 
ther are we fishes because we swim." 



1 Nei- 



FOR BKTTEB AND FOR WORSE. A Philosopher who had 
married a vulgar but amiable girl, used to call his wife 
" Brown Sugar," because, he said, she was sweet but unre- 
fined. Another, whoso wife was affectionate and stout, was 
accustomed to denominate her, " Lump Sugar." 

WHEN BACHELOR BROWN, at fifty-five, married his plain 
cook, is it the opinion of the unbiassed reader that he made a 
Virtue of Necessity ? 





:=j==f-: ' I 




OLD DIPP3 DECLARES THEY MANAGE SEA-BATHING BETTER IN FRANCE, AND THAT WHEN HE IS AT BO-LONG,] 
HE DOES AS BO-LONG DOES WELL ! THAT 'S A MATTER OF TASTE ! 



FACT FOR AUGUST. 

DRAMATIC HISTORY. 

WHFV on wan writing 

f/'irttti>l>)))te>r J-\iir i the 
assemblage formerly took placo on 
thti twenty-fourth), he wng a good 
deal bothered by thu mun 
thft Globe Theatre, who had paid iu 
advance, and was always pestfnn^; 
for (he manuscript, and saying, tliat 
"lus bill witnt*M strengthening," 
and that " business was bad," and 
lining other frivolous reasons for 
hurrying genius over ttfl work. One 
day, visiting Smithfield, he met 
Bur, hlmnU, t,'i>inL,' int > HiriiAi.u- 
w lu- n he had promised to 
stick to his desk. "Is this right, 
.Muster HEN?" said the manager. 
" All Fair and <il>re kwrj," added 
tht; wit, jumping ou to the platform, 
and escaping. 



rSMAXLY OUTRAGE OX A LADY. 

WHY had (Enii'us no need to take 
liiPunfJif Because his \vitt- wns a 
Joke-caster. (It wi'l scarcely I* cre- 
dited that -I ASTA 1,1 hfre iff erred to.) 



THE BLIS-[>\KSS OF FOUTUXE. It 

:is well that Fortune is blind, 

fur if she could only see some of the 

u^'ly, stupid, worthless persona on 

whom li>: shin* ITS her most pivri<>:i-; 

tua slight would HO annoy her 

that she would immediately scratch 

her eyes out 

A QL'EBY FOB WAGXKB. Is " The 
J/utic of th*. Future " to be per- 
formed by " the Ifead of Hope ''. " 

A TaouaHT BT A MOOXER. Even 
Mayors are mortal; but when they 
die, can w not sacrifice to their 
manes t 

GROORAPHICAL POSITION. The 
Nursery of Europe is Lapland. 




Party " Wuo is THAT GIRL WITH TUB NEZ URTr.ous*fi ? " 
Amiable Parly (who has rather a prominent be*k). "NK/ iiRTaous.sfc! Do YOIT MEAN THAT GIEL \VJTH THE 
ri'-. N.. 



THINGS OVER WHICH WK 
HAVE NO CONTROL! 

AN inopportune snooze; an asth- 
matic wheeze ; a mother-in-law; an 
ostrich's maw; a Chancery suit; a 
wife-beating brute ; a woman in 
tears ; increasing years ; a baby 
who cries; Commissariat supplies; 
oyster suppers; proverbs oi Tri'- 
I'KR'S ; Irish hovels ; JAMKS'B 
novels ; combats fistic ; UAILKV'S 
" Mystic; " Hyde-Park demonstra- 
tions ; J. B. COUGH'S orations ; 
quacks' humming; DOCTOK CI;M- 
MINO; a daguerreotype; a bullfinch's 
pipe; a love for dabbling in bricks 
.and mortar; and an opened bottle 
of soda-water. 



MORAL FOR AUGUST. 

Yon may buy G rice, an need not say, 
Whether with lead, or coin you 

got 'em ; 

But, if you buy them, do not, pray, 
Tell naughty fibs, and say you 
shot 'em. 



CON. FOB COUNTRY JCM 
Why does a pig resemble the best 
kind of magistrate? Because be is 
a sty-pendiary. 

FAMILY KI-ONOWY. Jack is good 
when in season; but no fisU can be 
more expensive than a heavy Pike. 

How TO BE HAPPY. Reason your- 
self out of as many desires as you 
can, and gratify AS many of the rest 
as possible. 

HOMELY WORTH. Many flowers 

are expressive of the most delicate 
sentiment, but which of them lias 
the heart of a cabbage ? 

THE DOABDOFTuADE. The Shop- 
board. 



lUi'uRT <IK . iv Piuso.vs. The oldest offender is 

not always the most obstinate, indeed, such a culprit may 
be said, iu general, to bo peculiarly open to conviction. 



INPAU.M'.I.I; KKMRDIES AGAINST THE GOUT. Turn Post- 
man, or g*t a situation as Usher in a cheap school, or go iuto 
the Workhouse, r, better still, board with a Scotch family. 



SAUCE FOR SpYER. An individual whose pronunciation is 
on a par with his puns, says, that he looks upon the great CheJ 
as the top Sawyer in Crimean good mena<76ment. 




FRENCH AS IT IS SPOKEN.-SCENE. PARIS, A TABLE D'HOTE. 

(Old Lady at Bnakfaa. The Garfm hat tan ordered to taring sane fruit to OU Lady.) 

Oar (m . " Voil.l, MDi!" Old Lady (who, in her daughter", alaaux, will M off her FrmcK). " On I TRF.B BVANO, THE* BYAHO CU R? ov! 

MA,,. TBRS. ABK CU.E*T-BVAXO XAXPOBT! CT EQAL-OXLV^B *'A,M PAS so WF.U. AS GWSBBERMKS you K U 9 r 



r, MARECEY- 
ther!) 






run 



FACT FOR OCTOBER. 

COLLEGIATE HISTORY. 

THE Oxford and Cambridge terms beirin 
on the unth. It is record, that a 
former Dean of Christchurcli, walking bv 
16 side of the Isis in company with a 
newly-arrived fellow-commoner, remarked 
to him, " This, my dear lord, is Isis may 
you be one to take away the Veil." lie 
retired, and tbe puzzled aristocrat, who 
had not, of course, the faintest idea of his 
neaning. tood staring at the water. "Old 
cove garamonln' o' yon, being fresh ? " said 
a pensive bargee. ' There's carp here, but 
a KAofc, Walker!" He was silent. "You 
meed.' said the undaunted noble- 
man, pursuing his walk. 



THE JUDGMENT OF SALOMONS. Giving 
IB charity the 2000 that would have 



WHY is a successful tradesman like a 
JHal Heranse he carries on a roaring 
busii! 

WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS. In 1439 the 
people, on account of scarcity, made bread 
fern roots, and perhaps a hungry law 
Indent may have swallowed the whole of 
r; which, if it had been 
well digested, would have been bread for 
im when he commenced practice. 
SERMONS ix STONES. -A Reverend 
it writes a series of sermons for other 
leverend Gents to pass off as their own 
nd gets the manuscripts lithographed. 
IT i good always to pick a hole in 
your neighbour's coat; if it be understood 
that you can provide him with a bettor 
one. 

PROGRESS. Numerous convictions take 
place under the Game Act and Excise 
Laws, evincing the spread of Information. 

Is former times the only stage perform- 
ances were mysteries. In the present day 
the performance of mysteries seems to be 

HOW TO WARM A CHURCH.-Difler with 

the BISHOP OK EXETER. 

M < ji K8TIO! ' rOR SI> ""T-RJ>PPERS. Does a 
Uum ever get a rap over the knuckles? 




PEDESTRIANISM. 

OCTOBEE 1st, the HON. Miss BARCLAY, 
" the May Fair pet," accomplished the 
Herculean feat of walking 500 yards in 
two hours. She appeared somewhat dis- 
tressed at the conclusion of her task ; but 
by the evening had so far recovered, that 
she undertook to complete the same dis. 
tnnce in fifteen minutes under the two 
hours. It is believed, that with proper 
training, she will be able to accomplish 
this unusual feat. 



MORAL FOK OCTOBER. 

THE party who but drinketh eau, 

And unto bed retireth sober, 
Shall fall (a punch-fraught song doth show) 

Like leaves, and leave us in October. 



flout i* toman aJup. "DON'T FEEL WELL! TRV A CH:AR ! 



THE greatest rise in corn that was ever 
known was in the year 1766, when wheat 
stacks were blown up into the air; and in 
one part of the country it was only when it 
fell upon an aged inhabitant that it was 
" down again to the old figure." 

ARCHITECTURAL. No doubt can be en- 
tertained by any enlightened mind, that 
the material out of which Englishmen 
ought to build their Temple of Liberty is 
free-stone. 

THE HEIGHT OF PUFFERY. A tailor 
advertises his superior Chancery suits- 
warranted everlasting. 

INFLUENCE or SUGGESTION. Whatman 
is there who would purchase sausages, 
if he could get them anywhere else, in 
Cateaton Street? 

AN INSANITARY CONUNDRUM. Which 
part of the Thames smells the most ? The 
centre. 

PLAYERS AND PAWNBROEEBS. The last 
resource of the poor actor ia to spout 
SHAKSPEABE. 

SOMETHING FOR THE PEACE PARTY 
Where will yon find a more melancholy 
individual than an Officer in the Blues ? 

ANIMAL CLOTHING. The horse's coat ia 
the gift of nature, but a tailor very often 
makes a coat for an ass. 

BEST SECONDS." Second thoughts are 
best." 



SOMETHING IN THAT! 



Nmv, TOM," SAID YOUNG JOE WAOI.EY, ' ONE OF us OUGHT TO oo ox THIS BIDE 

V " "" 8T "-"''- -"O. VES," muo T 



D WILL SET 




PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1856. 



NINE RATIONAL RECREATIONS. 

For Hut Amusement and Instruction of the 
Ymng, and others, during Winter Evenings. 

1. Take a tumbler, and fill it nearly full 
of water. Then insert a lump of sugar in 
the water, and continue to stir it. In a few 
minutes the sugar will become invisible. 

2. Place a candlestick, with a lighted 
candle in it, in the middle of a table. 
Mahogany is best, but deal will answer the 
purpose, Place an extinguisher upon the 
candle, and the apartment will be left in 
darkness, unless there are other lights in it. 

3. Take a kitten (one of a kindly disposi- 
tion is preferable) and place it upon your 
lap. Stroke it gently for a few seconds, 
and the animal will be distinctly heard 
to purr. This experiment may be varied 
by pinching its tail, in which case it will 
spit, and jump down. 

4. Let the cinders be thrown upon the 
fire, and then take a common hearth- 
broom, and carefully sweep every particle 
of ash and dnst under the grate. Hang up 
the broom and sit down, and a pleasing 
display of tidiness will be made. 

5. Take a pair of scissors, the size is 
immaterial. Obtain a piece of white or 
brown paper, six inches long and a yard 
and a half across. Snip it in two. You 
will find that no exertion of strength will 
join the severed parts together again. 

6. Place the palms of yonr hands to- 
gether crosswise, and holding them some- 
what loosely, strike them on your knee. 
A sound will be produced somewhat re- 
sembling the chink of money. This is 
quite as good as having money itself, which 
only leads to outlay and extravagance. 

7. Take a common ruled copy-book, and 
at the top of a page let a confederate in- 
scribe Bounty Commands Esteem, or some 
other moral sentiment. Copy this (,11 
every line of the page, and when you have 
done show it to the company. This experi- 
ment is not only interesting in itself, but 
leads to improve the handwriting. 

8. Take the tumbler of water mentioned 
in the first experiment, and show the com- 
pany that the glass is nearly full. Drink 
it off, and instantly make them observe 
that the glass is entirely empty. The 
success of this feat depends on its rapidity. 

9. Go to bed. 




A FUEXCIl FlllEXn PAYS HIS FIRST VISIT TO ENGLAND, AND IS FIIOWN THE Gr.EAT METROPOLIS. 
Ml: IS PROFOUNDLY IMPRESSED BY OUR NOBLE llEOENT STREET. 



FACT FOR NOVEMBER. 

MAYORALTY HISTORY. 

THE lamentable folly of the ninth still 
survives, and Mayors are even knighted, 
and, as knightmares, infest the beds of 
civilisation and enlightenment. It was a 
just though severe remark, made by ED- 
WARD THE THIRD to PETER DE BUOOEY, 
who came up with an address, congratu- 
lating the Sovereign on the surrender of 
Calais; "(Sette j>e to tile Stable, juter, 
jet je to ttie Stable, 'tis enen ttie place fot an 
oib mare, ant) tOcrcm Is anottur olD buggn, 
tntlfino stall pe ie hatncsscD, an pt (OIK 
not out fMnJsome." 

WINE MEASURE. 

f You are not particu- 
One Glass- means j larly welcome. 



Two Glasses 



Three Glasses 



Half a Bottle 

One Bottle . 
Two Bottles . 

The Bottle I 
empty ) 



f That the wine is not 
( particularly good. 

I That you are in the 
company of a man 
who is extremely 
careful either of his 
cellar or his health. 
( That the host thinks 
< ymt have had enough 
( to do you good.J 
( That the wine is gene- 
\ rous,andthehostalso, 
( That the wine is more 
1 ( thanusualiyexccllent. 
That the Tea 's getting 
cold in the drawing- 
room. 



MORAL FOR NOVEMBER. 
Or things that Civic magnates do, 

As stuffing, spouting O beware, 
Or you may be degraded to 

An Alderman ; nay, down to Mayor. 



ADVICE FOR THE FIFTH OK NOVEMHF.R. 
- Little boy ! Never waste your money in 
buying penny crackers, when you might 
more judiciously expend it in the purcluise 
of a twopenny buster. 

THE LAST OF THE LoRD MAYORS. The 

next Lord Mayor will be FINNJS, with 
whom the Civic dynasty will, in all pro- 
bability, be Finnished. 




THE NEW PURCHASE. 

Mr. Huff. " BUT TFIRY SAID UK WAS WELL KNOWS IN THIS HOST I 

Farmer. "On, YES AND so HE 13 YERY WELL KNOWN. HE'S BROKE MOR* COLLAR BONES THAN ALL THE 'OssES is EXOLAND!" 



PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1856. 



TnK BEST DOOR-MAT. Th mat tlmt, on liis return home, 
cleans the husband's shoos of every bit of out-door care. 

> !'. N'i !;inii!y -hi uKl be without 



Tits "Well of Pure English" has become terribly denied 
lately from the fnrt that so many Teetotallers have been 
dipping their i'i> it. 



A WUKTCH. Old MR. SIXOLKSTIOK mystified a tea-party, 
liy remarking that women were facts.' When pressed to 
r\pl;tin liia me:inin he said, "Facts are stubborn things." 




FACT FOK DECEMBER. 

INI: HISTORY. 

thirteenth Is dedicated to the interesting SAT.VI , 
:i a Carthaginian by birth, and it is rather RIP 
that both Auoorrxsand POLTCAHP were drtrro into an 
Biastlcal life by her rejection of their advances, and her Jokes 
at their personal appearance. When the ftrst sent her his 
, nhe replied, that she wanted non of his overtures' and 
!Mi from th latter, she .aid, "As 



MORAL FOIt DECBMBER. 

With Christmns-tWe the twelvemonth ends 
Give all unkindly thoughts the sack, 

tmbracc your fots, forgive vour friends 
And buy your AncA'. Almanack. 



A CHBISTMA3 LECTDBE roB VOOXO LADIES. 

DEAB young Ladies, at this festive season of the year you 
may be called upon to observe the mistletoe, once sacreA to 
the Druids. You will be pleased then to remember this 
curious fact-From the berries of the mistletoe men make 



bonue P tin"f I3 AS B X OT AFrECTION '-- A bandbox with a 




THE ORDER OF THE NIGHTINGALE. 

JEWELLED ornament of great 
beauty, which may be worn 
as a decoration, has been sent 
out to FLORENCE NIGHTIN- 
GALE by the QUEEN. Why 
should not the gift become the 
germ of an Order ? The Order 
of the Nightingale? Was 
there ever a finer occasion, a 
nobler opportunity for such an 
institution ? An institution, 
whose sisterhood shall repre- 
sent all the womanly virtues ? 
Firmness and tenderness 
patience and readiness pity 
and resignation ? Sure we are 
that the "jewelled ornament" 
went from the QUEEN enriched 
with a QUEEN'S thanks to sister 
woman ; sure we are that the 
gem did not depart from the 
Palace to the hospital a gift 
for the NIGHTINGALE 




" Without the meed of some melodious tear." 

There have been many Orders for women, many, too, of pretty signi- 
ficance ; but surely the Order of the Nightingale instituted by a QITEEN 
on her throne in honour of the Queen of Women at the bedside of 
the sick soldier, would go down, pure and lustrous as a star, to 
all time. 

We say there have been many pretty Orders, but all are as nothing 
Jo the rewarding purpose, the continuing exhortation enshrined in the 
Order of the Nightingale. There has been the Order of the Bee, 
buzzing a little saucily Je suis petite, mais i/tes picquares sont pro- 
fondes. "A small thing, with deep sting." How poor is this to 
the jug-jug of our NIGHTINGALE ! 

The Order of the Ermine A Ma Fie, is pretty, and significant of 
moral purity. Be my life even as its ermine coat." But these and 
others we might name, however , felicitous their origin, however 



pretty their device, never had the profound and beautiful story written 
for them rather let us say, acted for them as that of the Order of 
the Nightingale. 

As in loyal duty bound, we took very great interest in the installation 
of Louis NAPOLEON, EMPEROB OF THE FRENCH, as Knight of the 
Garter ; but, saving his imperial presence, we shall feel even a stronger 
emotion on the installation of FLORENCE of Scutari the Order hung 
about her neck by VICTORIA as the First Lady of the Nightingale. 

We have no fear that the Order can ever want Lady Companions. 
For this soil of England is somewhat favourable to the production of 
such sweet sisterhood; witness our ELIZABETH FRYS, our GRACE 
D ABLINGS, women whose names are musical even as the music of the 
NIGHTINGALE herself. 

A PIPING-HOT NOVELTY. 

PRELIMINARY puffs are beginning to herald the anticipated blowings 
of a "new musical phenomenon," on a penny whistle; and it is 
expected that the Londoners will in due season receive the phenomenon, 
and pay as liberally for his whistle as the Parisians have done already, 
The name of the gifted performer is Picco ; and his instrument is a 
wooden Piccolo ; out of which he gets such wonderful effects, and such 
a large measure, that if he wants a few pounds he has nothing to do 
but to whistle for it. As " society " makes a point of going mad after 
something every year, there is a chance that the Sardinian Piper may 
become the subject of next, season's insanity. We regret, for the sake 
of the artist, who is unfortunately blind, that the present are not 
" piping times ; " but we dare say that his performances, if they are as 
clever as they have been represented to be, will abundantly pay the piper. 



Europe's Stethescope. 

ROTHSCHILD has just, been examining the Chest of Spain, and he 
finds it extremely hollow; labouring under a dreadful oppression, 
which, if remedies are not instantly applied, may terminate fatally. 
The same medical financier reports, that the extreme tightness i> 
Austria's Chest has greatly diminished since the cure he recommenc 1 
for the complaint has been carried out. No sooner was the 
applied than the patient experienced the greatest relief ! The Ch 
llussia (says the same stethescopic authority) is so very bad, j 
a hopeless condition, that he hopes he shall be spared thp"~ 
examining it. 



YOL. Xix. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1856. 




A. PANTOMIME NOTION FOR THE CHANCELLOR OF THE 
EXCHEQUER. 

HERE is a great, amount 
of puffery in most 
of the Christmas 
L'antpmirnes. A com- 
mercial correspondent 
suggests that it, would 
only be fair that on 
those scenes for which 
live pounds, ten 
pounds, or twenty 
pounds have been 
paid for the exhibition 
of some vulgar nos- 
trum, there should be 
pasted a monster re- 
ceipt stamp, signify- 
ing the precise sum 
paid, anil with the 
manager's name scrib- 
bled at full length, 
over it. This would 
make it quite a busi- ; 
ness transaction, and | 
would give each scene | 

the character of an advertising supplement to the large Brobdignagian 
sheet of advertisements at present exhibited as a curtain at Covent 
Garden Theatre. 



' 






She 
that 

sins 



L 



A CHRISTMAS FABLE 

OF JOHN BULL AND THE THIEVISH BEAR. 
far Croton Gfjt'Brrn. 

JOHN BULL was an orderly citizen, 

Who lived iu a quiet street, 
With a force of Police to keep the peace. 

And each warn rogues off his beat. 
He hated strife ; for a quiet life 

Rates and taxes no end he paid ; 
Xor starved his servants, nor thrash'd his wife, 

But stuck to his shop and his trade. 

lie was rather selfish it must be own'd, 

In his hatred of beggars and noise ; 
'Gainst their woes he'd parade his thriving trade, 

'Gainst their jars his family joys. 
To foreign distress would have nought to say, 

And when ask'd for relief would be bearish, 
With a " Heav'n helps those who help themselves." 

And " If they 're hard up, there's the Parish." 

He had moved on no end of Italian boys, 

Snubb'd Hungarian minstrels sturdy ; 
All Mnwillaises he had sent to blazes, 

Oil French horn or hurdy-gurdy. 
Not a penny he'd stand to'a German band, 

But bid them be hang'd with their jangle 
Of drum and trombone, and Saxophone, 

Cornet, ophicleide, and triangle. 

In his own snug parlour, well-lit, and warm, 

He thought litl.le of garret or vault ; 
1 1 made my own way," he was apt to say, 

" If thry can't, it 's their own fault." 
Thirty years JOHN spent in this selfish content, 

Thought nothing could trouble his quiet, 
Till eighteen 'fifty-four to JOHN'S peaceable door 

Brought trouble and row and riot. 

A rogue there was by the name of ROMANOFF, 

Who went about with a bear, 
A surly brute, but with scent so acute 
1 1 -. poked his nose everywhere. 

' " not too heavy or hot, 

For him to hug, and swallow. 

if muzzle ami pole, he snapp'd and he stole, 
Thonfh owuers.migbt rage and holloa. 

All sorts of meat the brute would eat, 
Ne'er was burglary, but you'd find him in it. 

And his appetite, inordinate quite, 
Was perfectly indiscriminate, 



The tallow-melt er, would come helter-skelter, 

For aid of the tardy police ; 
Pounds on pounds of his tallow the bear would swallow, 

There was nothing he loved like Grease. 

If got rid of thence, on his master's pretence, 

That of theft, the brute didn't dream, 
The next moment, he'd drop on the hairdresser's shop, 

And bolt his Circassian cream. 
The unhappy furriers couldn't find barriers 

To keep him rom nibbling their skins, 
And e'en the fishmonger paid toll to his hunger, 

He so doated on Sound and Fins. 

In default of meat, even physic he'd eat, 

When he 'd notliirg else to be arter ; 
And once on a chemist he made the grimmest 

Assault, for some cream of Tartar. 
But, those who know what that drug will do, 

.Might have said with voice prophetic, 
That however pleasant it seem d at present, 

At last 'twould prove Tartar-emetic. 

Nay, rather than starve, the brute would carve 

His way through stones and slabs 
To a fruiterer's vault, and make assault 

On a store of Siberian crabs. 
And for want of a dish of flesh or fish, 

In a drying-ground fence he 'd make holes ; 
Where he'd frighten the women, and tear up the linen, 

And then take to grinding the Poles. 

All this JOHN BULL heard, without a word, 

Still less an act of resistance ; 

'Twas no matter of his, if Bear took that or this, 

He couldn't render assistance. 
He was forced to stop and look after his shop, 

Had no time to spare from his business ; 
The Bear might be about, he didn't doubt, 

Bat it didn't cause him uneasiness." 

'Till one fine day, Bear took his way 

To John Bull's city-quarter, 
Vi here a poulterer's board was temptingly stored 

With fowls for Christmas slaughter. 
There, flower of ihe flock, prime bird of the stock, 

With red wattles, and plumage murky 
Abroad display'd, was temptingly laid, 

An old, but still toothsome Turkey ! 

On his way past the shop, Joint ('tis whisper'd), would stop, 

And his chops had been seen to be licking ; 
And folks have said, that what ran in his head, 

Was : " Lord, there's bones for picking ! " 
However heroic, JOHN wasn't a Stoic ; 

He may have wish'd he own'd it ; 
But whatever he thought, he never bought 

The Turkey, much less boned it. 

Not ) so the Bear ; since the bird lay there 

O'er the shop he had stood sentry ; 
And JOHN BOLL one day, as he pass'd that way, 

Caught the brute in the act of entry. 
The Bear detected, in JOHN suspected 

Nothing else bu'. a rival plunderer. 
" We'll share," says he : " there '11 be half for me ; 

And half for you, Old Thunderer !." 

JoitN feeling a doubt, in a wrestling bout 

Which demolisb'd might be, which deraolisher, 
Ran off for a friend, his aid to lend 

One Louis, a skilful French-polisher. 
The Bear look'd posed ; to the two proposed 

Dividing the Turkey in three. 
" ^?, u . t* 1 " 5 drum-sticks a-piece; there'll be only the grease, 

I highs, breast, and wings for me." 

In wrath and derision of this cool proposition, 

They warn'rl the brute off the premises ; 
But he show'd his claws, and growl'd from his jaws, 

If you ain't hungry, there '3 them as is 
lour threats I brve ; the Turkey I'll have, 

By foul means or by fair ones ; 
Ihe Bird in the tussle we shall so tear and hustle, 

Those who get bones will get bare ones." 



JANUARY 5, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



The bystanders' aid JOHN and Louis pray'd ; 

But in vain; not a man would budge. 
" You let him rob us ; our complaints you cali'd ' fuss ; ' 

When we shouted ' Stop thief ! ' you said ' fudge.' " 
Till an Oil and Italian Warehouseman, 

Who knew the brute's tasie for Sardines, 
'Gainst the thievish whelp volunteer'd his help, 

To the limit of his small means. 

They join'd with a rush ; in that first brush, 

There were doubts which would come off worser. 
JOHN made more than one blunder, but, oa stagg'ring asunder, 

'Twas bellows to mend with Ursa. 
JOHN was getting his wind, 'ere again he pinn'd 

The Bear, with purpose sure. 
When the German band, which stood close at hand, 

Proposed an overture ! 

" That be Double d ! " says JOHN, says he, 

" Your brass and wind, 1 know them ! 
Help us, or help Bear, which, I don't much care ; 

But. as for your overtures, blow them ! 
Be off, vile pack, or" the band drew back, 

For the weight of his fist they knew : 
And when our report left the scene of sport, 

They were squariog for round number two. 



A CHANCE FOR A GREAT YOUNG MAN. 

FOR any Great Unknown, desirous of becoming known as the Author 
of a woik of fiction equivalent to another Waverley, a splendid opening 
is afforded by a liberal anonymous publisher, who has inserted the pro- 
) option following among the advertisements in the Athemenm. 

\UTHORS.-A PUBLISHER OF STANDING wants a GOOD 
-i- NOVEL. He will pay ONE HUNDRED FOUNDS for the one he selects. 




_'09d novel is a good thin?, but the publisher who obtains one for 
! 100 will make that good thing a somewhat better thing. " Happy 
man be his dole," as the subjects of QUEEN ELIZABETH used to say, if 
he gets a Tom Jones or a Vanity Fair for a hundred pounds. What an 
unlucky thing it is for this enterprising publisher that he did not pro- 
vMilsjate this alluring offer of his a few months ago, before, perhaps, 
arrangements were concluded for the publication of Little Dorrit. 

This publisher belongs to the past. What a big fish he might have 
hooked in that Elizabethan time and the succeeding reign, JACOBI 
PKIMI, by advertising something under a hundred pounds, according to 
ihe then value of money for a good Tragedy landed Macbeth perhaps, 
who knows ? or Hamlet? And had he happily lived to " wait a little 
; longer," there would have been a " good time coming," w herein, fishing 
with the same golden hook, he might have caught a Paradise Lost ; 
nay, a lighter hook for that matter would have served his turn, had he 
thought to bob or angle, not to say sniggle, for a good Epic Poem. 

However, as there are, peradventure, among us mute inglorious 
MILTONS still, though this hundred-pound snap-hook is not rigged for 
that sort of JACK, so there probably aUo are RICHARDSONS and FIELD- 
INGS equally silent and unknown to fame, but desiious of making a 
noise and becoming famous, who for the advantage of a lift into pub- 
licity, and the additional consideration of one hundred pounds, may be 
glad enough to barter a production of genius, which, for the generous 
and discerning publisher, may realise at least the square of that figure. 
To the "publisher of standing" ready to stand a hundred pounds for 
a good novel, we can only say in addition, that we wish he may get it. 



THE CAMPAIGN IN BELGRAVIA. 

IN reference to tlie case of WESTERTON v. LIDDELL the Morning 
Herald makes an observation calculated dreadfully to dishearten the 
CZAK OF RUSSIA ; to wit : 

" And before a final judgment is obtained, there is little doubt that a sum of at least 
fim thousand pounds will have been expended in a contest about tables, crosses, and 
altar-cloths." 

When ALEXANDER comes to fiud that, in the midst of the expenditure 
entailed on England by the contest which she is compelled to maintain 
against himself, a single metropolitan parish can afford to throw five 
thousand pounds away on an ecclesiastical squabble, he must be over- 
whelmed by the conviction that the resources of this country are inex- 
haustible. That whilst having to fight on a Titanic scale in the Crimea 
and the Baltic, we are able to stand a religious war in Belgravia, is a 
fact which cannot but prostrate him in utter despair. It ma^ at the 
same time, however, somewhat heighten his estimate of our piety, to 
discover that any of us care sufficiently about tables, crosses, and altar- 
cloths as to think such matters worth any discussion at all, not to say 
worth a controversy costing as much as five thousand pounds. He 
may conceive hopes that what his forces may be unable to accomplish 
with their mere bayonets, they may succeed in effecting by poking 
ST. SERGIUS, ST. ALEXANDER NEWSKI, and other idols at our men : 
and it would be a fine thing if, under such an expectation, he were to 
substitute canonised dummies for more troublesome artillery. At the 
same time, it is not impossible that the CZAR no more believes in 
ST. SERGIUS than JULIUS C.ESAR believed in JUPITER, and whilst 
alarmed at seeing Englishmen still capable of expending money upon 
ecclesiastical trurnpery, may be disposed by that circumstance to reflect 
that fools and their money are &oon parted. 



EXTRACTS FROM A PEACE DICTIONARY. 



ARI 

ARISTOCRACY. The only 
true aristocracy are the 
Cotton Lords of Lanca- 
shire. 

AHMY. A Military Police 
that is always haunting 
the Area of civilisation. 

AUSTRIA. The experienced 
Captain of the Jesuit's 
Craft. 

BALK. For keeping the 
Peace you can have no 
better Bail than the one 
Manchester would wil- 
lingly give a Bale of 
Cotton. 

BALLS, Ugly customers to 
meet. 

BILLS. See Balls. 

BLOODSHED. The red Ink in 
which warriors write their 
despatches. 

CANNON. A vulgar mouther 
and fiery spouter that is 
always stopping the way 
of Progress. 

COTTON. The material of 
which the Flag of Truth 
is composed. 

COTTON TEES. The Tree of 
Knowledge. 

CZAR. The poor Lamb that 
the English and French i 
wolves wish to devour, 1 
becau.se they declare be ! 
is disturbing the stream 
of events. 

DRILL. A good thing for 
trowsers. 



PEA 

ENGINEER. The worst of 
breedies-m akers. 

GLADSTONE. One of the few 
men who are holding the 
Pate of Civilisation that 
France and England are 
trying all they can to 
upset. 

GLORY. The Red Fire that 
lights up the Theatre of 
War. 

HERO. A Fool who dies for 
his country , when he could 
stop at home perfectly safe. 

HUMILIATION. What Eng- 
land deserves being j 
brought to for going to 
War. 

MAN OF PEACE. A moral 
tourniquet that puts the 
screw on to stop the effu- 
sion of blood. 

MANCHESTER. The Cotton- 
opolis of the Universe 
the Capital of the World. 

MILLKNIUH. The period 
when the whole world will 
be covered with nothing 
but Cotton Mills, 

NAVY. A floating specula- 
tion, in which sailors cm- 
bark their lives either to 
sink or s r im. 

NEUTRAL. The only true 
neutral colour is Drab. 

PEACE PARTY. In connec- 
tion with the Quakers, it 
is MR. COB-DEN'S Thou- 
and-Theeology, 



WOO 

PLANT, Cotton is certainly 
the best plant now-a-days 
for making money. 

POPE. The occupant of a 
French caserne. 

PRUSSIA. The nnly throne 
of Sober Reason. 

QUAKER. A Friend who 
dot- sn't fight, but t.nlk one 
who, in the art of making 
inflammatory speeches, 
takes his hat off to no man. 

REPUTATION. The bubble a 
fool seeks in the cannon's 
mouth. 

RUSSIA. The place ti-at 
England gets its lr 
from. 

SAILOR. The scum of the pea. 

SOLDIER. The dirt of the 
land. 

SHOT. What nations that 
go to war cannot always 
pay for. 

SIXKWS op WAR. Money 
without which an Army 
cannot advance the value 
of a penny, or the distar.ce 
of an inch. 

TRANSPORT. Whatasolditr 
goes out In, but seldom 
returns home with. 

WOOL. What our wits are 
always gathering, when 
we s;i y anything against 
the War ; and what we 
stuff our ears with, when 
we hear anything said in 
favour of it. 



SEASONABLE ADVicE.-When any poor fellow is out of employment the "^hoZ S,UM2SESb fflKft&S 
Dest place lie can go to is the Horse Guards ; for there he is sure of a job. I only should be privileged to approach the lips of woman." 



A LIVERPOOL "LABI'S MAN." 

THE beasts that recently made their debiit at Drnry Lane Tneatre 
have, it seems, been taken to Liverpool, \yhere the Lady of the Lions 
does not appear to have been more attractive than in town. One of the 
critics, in expounding his views upon the subject, really gives such 
very cogent reasons for his disapprobation of the performance, that 
we cannot leave them to mere local circulation. Here they are : 

" We do Dot approve of the gentle sex permitting a bear, or any other beast, to eat 

lions ; and man 



IM'M'll, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



5, 1856. 




garments. To speak critically of MESSES. 
STRAUAX and PAUL, they are executed with a 
fine sense of the highest requirements of scoun- 
drel art. There is one omission SIR JOHN 
PAUL ought, a little fervently, to clasp a .Bible 
to his bosom. Altogether, however, it was the 
opinion of the visitors, that, the Fraudulent 
Bankers " looked remarkably well in Baker 
Street wax ; though, to our thinking, they must 
look infinitely better in Millbank stone. 



HOMEOPATHY AT HOME FOR THE 
HOLIDAYS. 

THE Gov'nqr, when a boy, he says, 

Was precious apt to cram and stuff, 
AnH. every Christmas holidays, 

Would eat more good things than enough. 
He tuck'd the beef and turkey in, 

Plum-pudding then did father grub, 
And next mince pie, till, to the chin, 

He got as full as any tub. 

Next day the Gov'nor he was sure 

Always to be extremely ill, 
And that complaint of his to care, 

He had to take a dose and pill ; 
Obliged to keep in-doors all day, 

And out of windows sadly loot, 
With not a thing to pass away 

The dreary time, except a book ! 

How much more jolly are we now, 

Who also can at Christmas eat, 
As much as parents will allow, 

Or friends, that stand the plummy treat ! 
No physic will to-morrow bring, 

However we may gorge to-day. 
A tiny globule that 's the thing 

Oh, don't I wish it was ! you '11 say. ; 



THE LAST ALTERATION. 

Small Boy. " OH, AIN'T IT A SHAME ! THEY'RE A GOING TO TAKE OFF THEM TOOK COVES'S 
BOOTS AND COATS, AND POT 'EM ox FROCKS AND TIIOWSERS ! " 



THE HOUSE OF HATS. ' 

An ingenious hatter at Paris has built himself 
a house with no other building materials than 
old hats. We cau understand the propriety of 
using hats for the upper storey, and we can easily 
conceive that in the construction of the roof, a 
quantity of old bats might supply the place of 
tiles. We, however, doubt the wisdom of erecting 
an entire dwelling of an article so unsubstantial 
1 as felt, and we can only imagine that an indi- 
vidual who resorts to a residence consisting of 
L- ; old bats, must be satisfied with anything he can 
put his head into, by way of a home. The same 
high wind that would blow one's hat off would 
probably blow one's house down, if the latter 
were made of the same stuff as the former, and 
it would be necessary to live in a perpetual state 
of wide-awake, to guard against the probability 
of having one's hatty dwelling whisked about 
one's ears. 

To persons whose freedom from high aspira- 
tions will not allow them to aspirate, the 'AT may 
be thought well suited for the construction of 
an Attic, to which the views of such persons 
may well be limited. 



" THE FRAUDULENT BANKERS." 

MADAME TUSSAUD permits only two sorts of people to enjoy the fame and hospitality 
of her wax Valhallah. She, or her surviving deputy, has recently added to the scoundrel 
section of the exhibition (for 'there are only the very white and the very black) the 
" Fraudulent Bankers." We have no doubt that the exposure of these delinquents during 
the late holidays must have had a great moral effect upon those "lower orders "of society 
who, somehow, are especially low because they cannot make unto themselves a sufficient 
outside of respectability to cheat, for a time at least, upon a large scale. It is by no ' 
means unlikely that MADAME TUSSAUD will, in due time, have to remove Banker BATES 
from the group, the belief gaining ground a belief, moreover, strengthened by the com- 
passionate testimonial of the jury who tried him that he has been sacrificed in the general 
verdict. If this be found a verity, we shall be very glad to welcome the removal of 
MR. BATES to the melting-pot, to reappear under other circumstances and under other 



Men of Peace. 

MESSIEURS COBDEN and BRIGHT 
Disapprove of a fight, 
But the greatest good-will 
Entertain for a Mill. 



TRUE, BUT UNGENEROUS. 

IT may seem rather ungracious to depreciate the 
good works of those who are in the habit of per- 
forming acts of benevolence, but justice compels 
us to make the assertion, that the man who sends 
a divided bank-note in two separate enclosures, 
is literally doing things by halves. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI . JANUARY 5, 185G. 




\ 



BOXING DAY. 

The Reg'lar Peace Dustmen call upon the Emperor of All the Russias for a Christmas Box. 



JANUARY 5, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



OUR VOX STELLARUM. 

IT will be or, to write more grammatically it is in the recollection 
of thousands upon thousands, numbers which inadequately describe the 
multitude of the fortunate possessors of Punch's Pocket Jiookfor 1856, 
that a promise was therein given by its great aui hor. In expounding 
the fulfilment of the prophecies he had put forth in 1854, Mr. Punch 
abstained from divulging the mode in which his auguries for November 
and December last had been fulfilled ; and he did so, not from any in- 
ability on his part to complete his explanations, but simply because, 
when he published his world-famous annual, the events in question had 
not occurred. But he promised the remainder of his " fulfilments " in 
his first number for the new jear. Punctual as clock-work, or as a 
princely Field-Marshal on salary day, Mr. Punch performs his 
engagement. 



His Prophecy for Nor< 
"The stars of November are 
silent, but over the dark tide comes 
a murmur, and spirits are wander- 
ing, with candles in their hands, 
along the novv granulated Milky 
Wav." 



Us Fulfilment. 

Stars are always silent. The 
murmur over the dark tide meant 
rumours of hostilities withAmerica, 
which were prevented by Mr. 
Punch's wisdom. The visit of the 
KING or SARDINIA was prefigured 
in the last passage, and the spirits 
with candles wandering along 
the granulated Milky Way meant 
the greasy-fisted Citizens laying 
down gravel before Milk Street, 
Cheapside, and the neighbourhood, 
for the reception of the King. 

Its Fulfilment. 

These first words foretold the 
great drain of bullion from this 
country to France, and the Bank's 
savagely raising the rate of dis- 
count, which was considered a 
styptic, that is, something that 
stops a " bleeding," when too free. 
The belt, sparkling with the pro- 
mise of the effulgent horizon, was 
a mere prosaic way of announcing 
the dawn of Mr. Punch's Thirtieth 
Volume. 

Mr. Punch has thus utterly beaten all the Prophets on their own 
ground, to their dismay and confusion, testified by their helpless vatici- 
nations this year, RAFIIAEL contradicting ZADKIEL, and UKIEL impeach- 
ing the truth of ASIROPHEL. Fourteen months ago, Mr. P. put 
forth, with the most fearless frankness, a set of prophecies, whose 
boldness and precision nobly contrasted with the niggardly, sneaking, 
evasive generalities of the professional Prophets, and now, while the 
latter can hardly twist and shuffle their meanly-prepared predictions 
into anything like fulfilment, Mr. Punch's astrology is vindicated to 
the very letter. There ia only one problem which yet baffles him, 
namely, when Fools, that is, the believers in the other Prophets, will 
cease to be the dupe of Quacks. 



His Prophecy for December. 
"Lastly, December, scowling, 
but with his bands full of silver 
and gold, passes moodily over the 
expsnse, his blue garment revivified 
with styptics, and his belt spark- 
ling with the promise of the efful- 
gent horizon." 



ECONOMY OF THE FIRST WATER. 

WE have observed, with considerable interest, an economical practice 
which prevails in the administration of the Woods and Forests ; whose 
turncock is regularly employed every afternoon in turning off the water 
from the Fountain in the enclosure of St. James's Park. This piece of 
prudence is an earnest of a strong desire to save every pint of the 
public water; and if the same principle were only applied to the public 
money, the result would be still more satisfactory. We have often 
watched with intense curiosity the proceedings of the aquatic official, 
who, with the keys of his office, applies himself energetically to that 
plug-hole, through which the watery wealth of the country is allowed 
lor a limited period to flow. We presume that it is a similar spirit of 
economy that has recently reduced one of the Trafalgar Fountains from 
the exuberant gushiness of a ginger-beer bottle, to the slow, uncertain 
trickling of a watermg-pot. 

When we see the authorities intent on preventing any extravagance 
in that cheap and unwholesome liquid which limps along our mains and 
squirts up into our offended eyes at our public monuments, we may 
indulge a not altogether unreasonable hope, that economy may be 
applied to other departments of the public service. We should like to 
see the government turncock employed in turning off the supplies from 
some of those quarters towards which there has been hitherto an 
unwarrantable overflow. We are afraid that a good many worn-out 
pumps would be deprived of their usual resources by such an arran^e- 
ment, but this fact ought not to stand in the way of a salutary measure 



THE STABLE AND THE TABLE. 

THAT the horse is capable of supporting man is a fact which has long 
been recognised by foxhunters and most' others, but certain persons in 
France are now asserting it in a sense entirely new. They are endea- 
vouring to prove, both by theory and practice, that the horse is simi- 
larly capable of supporting man with the pig. MB. GEOTTKOY DE ST. 
j HiLAihE, the, chemist, is the chief of these hippophagi, or horse-eaters, 
I who, having divested themselves of unphilosophical prejudice in favour 
of beef and mutton, prefer another kind of meat in steed. 

That horseflesh would probably go faster than any other is a con- 
' sideratior. which may present itself to a superficial mind ; but that such 
is not the case may be known to many persons who may have ventured 
on a plate of hashed venison at a cheap eating-house, and have 
experienced an amount of difficulty in getting through it sufficient to 
prove that horseflesh would go very slowly, although it might possess 
the economical advantage of eoing very far. 

It is not unlikely that the flesh of the thoroughbred horse would be 
characterised by a peculiar raciness of flavour, less observaVle in the 
colt than in the full-grown animal, entered some time upon the turf 
whereon horses, if destined to be eaten, would be entered for cups in a 
minor proportion than for plates, and not only for plates, but also for 
knives and forks and dishes. 

Newmarket would supply a happily-named locality for the erection 
of shambles for the sale of horse ; though it may not follow that the 
best courser would necessarily furnish the best material for one of three 
courses : and Dobbin, in a gastronomical point of view, may be 
preferable to Eclipse. 

Should the use of horseflesh obtain in this country, attention would 
of course be directed to the improvement of the breed in a novel 
direction. The dray-horse, greatly exaggerated, would accompany the 
Hereford ox at the Fat Cattle Show ; and the hunter and cob would 
be intermingled with Devons and short-horns, exhibiting flanks of 
enormous latitude, and huge mountains of fat on their withers. 

How pony steaks would taste, what kind of thing would be a round 
of nag, a sirloin, or ribs, or breast of filly, whether horse would 
require horse-radish ; may be matters of speculation : but in England, 
at least, will be matters of speculation only whilst the living horse 
fetches a price so much higher than would be given for his mere 
carcase. Eating horse would be eating money indeed; and the 
slaughter of an animal worth perhaps three thousand pounds would 
be an extravagance too prodigious for any table, inclusive of the Civic : 
it is not therefore to be expected that any Mayor will ever eat horse. 

The "high-mettled racer," instead of being sent to the hounds, 
might certainly be consigned to M. de ST. HILAIRE and his disciples ; 
but as it is impossible to have your horse and eat him too, most persons 
would prefer the possession to the meal, if the horse were good for any- 
thing, and few would be disposed to regale themselves on a good-for- 
nothing horse. 

There may be a singular and extraordinary daintiness in the chief 
of the equine family, of which its inferior members do not partake ; 
otherwise why confine horse-eating to the Eqmis Caballus? There is 
the Eqaus Asinus also would not that humbler and cheaper individual 
of the genus content the hankerers for horse ? Even if there were the 
same relation between the noble and the inflexible animal as that of 
the rabbit to the hare, they might dine very well upon donkey. But 
their nature instinctively revolts, perhaps, at a banquet which, to them, 
may seem what that of a Carib appears to civilised people. 

On the whole, it is probable that except by the dogs, and the crows, 
and the consumers of doubtful sausages, the horse will remain un- 
touched as an article of food, and nothing be eaten more nearly related 
to it than the saddle of mutton. 



HOUSEHOLD TREASURES. 

A Treasure of a Husband. Carries the baby. 

A Treasure of a Wife. Never asks for money. 

A Treasure of a Son. Has money in the funds. 

-/ Treasure of a. Daughter 'Looks the same age as her Mother if 
anything, a triile older. 

A Treasure of a Servant. Runs to the Post in less than half-an-hour. 

A Treasure of a Coo/e.ls not hysterical whenever there is company 
to dinner. 

A Treasure of a Baby. Doesn't disturb its dear Papa in the middle 
of the night. 

Festivities at the Admiralty. 

THE Northern Jlee published lately, with the grandest flourish of 
words, "A grand Victory of the Russians on the Bug." On the news 
being communicated to BEBNAL OSBORNE, he shook bis head knowingly, 
and said most good-naturedly, " I don't believe a syllable of it. Now 
ray word for it, you'll find this victory to be all a hum in fact, a 
regular bit of the Bee's Hum-Bug." All the clerks went into con- 
vulsions that lasted half-an-hour. 



IMXCIT, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1856. 



SPARROWS, HEDGEHOGS, ETC. 

E are hapoy to find 
t hat good sense and 
liuiiumi'y are taking 
up arms against the 
sanguinary parties 
who compose Spar- 
row-clubs; and, thus 
enrolled, slaughter 
without mercy tens 
of thousands of 
birds, otherwise use- 
fully ei'gaged "in 
the destruction of 
caterpillars." There 
is, it cannot be de- 
nied, a low and 
ignorant prejudice 
against attorneys 
as a body ; and yet 
the good they do 
to society is un- 
known. Supposing 
now that higher in- 
telligences as su- 
perior for instance 
to the common rua 
of sparro -shopters, 
as the passericides 
are to the sparrows 

! should resolve to shoot down all attorneys ; should we n9t consider such a mode 
of sport as cruel, relentless, and socially mischievous ? It is calculated that " the 
number of caterpillars a pair of sparrows will destroy in feeding their young 
amounts to about 4,000 weekly." Now, let us for a moment pause, and consider 
the amount of evil inflicted by these caterpillars, and then say ought we not to 
be grateful to their destroyers ? 




U-' 



Is not money the root of evil? When too much of 
it gets into a family, like a tree growing with its roots 
in masonry, is it not likely to disturb and separate 
what before was so symmetrical, so strong, so comely? 
How often, then, do we see very much of this root of evil 
otherwise diverted and consumed in the Court of Chancery ? 
What, then, should we say of the ignorance of the superior 
intelligences above alluded to, if regardless of this fact. 
they were ruthlessly to sport in Chancery Lane, shooting 
down all Chancery practitioners ? What a pair of sparrows 
will consume in feeding their young haa been pretty 
accurately made known, but it has not yet been calcu- 
lated, at its fullest extent, the amount of the root of evil 
that the attorney world may put away in the support of 

i its families ? Now, let this be tenderly considered, when the 
superficial and the spiteful rail at law. 

We are happy to find that as there are hearts for spar- 
rows, so there are bosoms for hedgehogs. MB. NASH 
STETUHNSON, of Shirley Parsonage (he has Punch's 
heraldic permission henceforth to carry in his arms a hedge- 
hog proper) does gallant battle in the Times for poor 

; little prickles. The hedgehog is ruthlessly slaughtered, 
because accused that " he plunders the udders of the 
cows, and extracts the milk." Poor fellow ! he is as 
innocent of cow's-milk as a London dairyman. "Owing 
to the smallness of his mouth," says the sagacious, observant 
MR. NASH, " the hedgehog is physically incapable of the 
crime alleged against him." But what, of that ? Does not 
the hedgehog carry about him, carry upon his back, the too 
prominent cause of slander ? Is he not armed with points 
covered with prickles ; and is not every point formed 
and fashioned that it, may bear upon its very point a wrong 
and a scandal ? Because the hedgehog has not a smooth 

! outside, therefore shall he be internally the ruggedest of 
monsters ! He has a coat of thorns ; and therefore his 
mouth, though in reality it can hardly take in a goosequill, 
shall be big enough to rob a cow of her milk ; even a 
cow from the herds of Bashan ! 



THE CONCORDAT ON THE STAGE. 

ALREADY in Austria, by virtue of the Concordat, is the POPE among 
the players. On Sunday week, SCHILLER'S Don Carlos was played at 
the Court Theatre in Vienna ; whereupon Domingo, the king's confessor, 
and, according to the poet, a most emphatic Churchman, appeared "as a 
mailed knight." What a capital comment is this on the assuming and 
transforming power of a POPE'S Concordat, ! Nominal Religion bears 
the sword, and the robes of the Church of Peace become offensive plate 
iron ! We suppose that every drama, every opera in which Cliurc'i 
interests have hitherto been concerned or represented, will undergo a 
similar change and amendment. For, avers the ARCHBISHOP OP MILAN, 
in his late pastoral letter, "the Church, by reason of the Cone irdar, has 
the right to oppose all kinds of error and temptation as well on the 
stage as in the press." Who knows ? We may have a letter from 
CARDINAL WISEMAN to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN, suggesting, in 
deference to papal feeling though there is as yet no Concordat with 
England that. CARDINAL WOLSEY should henceforth appear as a 
Beef-eater? In Robert the Devil, there is a dance of exhumed nuns. 
Henceforth, we presume, in obedience to the Concordat, for nuns will 
be substituted a company of Hussars. 



A ROPE'S END. A YANKEE YARN. 

IT has been decided by Boston authorities, and no doubt to the 
satisfaction of all Yankee sailors, that " whipping a seaman with a 
rope's end is not within the meaning of the act," however it may be, 
we presume, within the physical apprehension of the sailor's fle.sh. 
That to use a rope's end is not to flog is, certainly, to draw the line 
very fine somewhere. "Flogging," say the Boston authorities, "is a 
technical naval act : " just as Hanging is merely a legal formality. 
Flogging must be " inflicted with an instrument known as a ' cat.' " 
Now, a rope's-end is not a cat ; it is not and any Philadelphian lawyer 
will prove it it is not even a kitten. 



Beginning the New Year Well. 

IDA PFEIFFER (*pricht). Here, MINNA, child, listen and attend to 
me. You must run directly, and get me fifteen reams of paper, one 
quire of blotting ditto, six quart bottles of hlack ink, and five hundred 
Magnum Bonum steel pens. To-morrow is New Year's Day, and I 



intend starting on a trip round the World for the third time. 
I must call me at five o'clock. 



You 



BEST PLACES FOR PLAYING VARIOUS INSTRUMENTS. 

FLUTE. Under the same roof with a poet, or an accountant, or any 
person who gets his living by literature or figures. 

ACCORDION. If you can find a room with a barrister on one side, and 
an actor on the other, you cannot, do better than practise ten hours a 
day in it ; especially if you select such hours for playing as when the 
former is reading his briefs, and the latter is studying his part. 

PIANO. In any of the new houses in the Regent's Park that are 
built, with brown-paper partitions. 

CORNET-A- PISTON. Over the head of an irritable old gentleman wlio 
is laid up with the gout. 

OPIIICLEIDE. As near to a hospital as possible ; or next door to a 
riding-schonl is not bad. 

ORGAN (Street). Opposite a house with a gloved knocker, in a street 
that has straw recently laid down. 

MONSTER ORGAN (drawn by tieo torses). Any respectable house, at 
the door of which a Doctor's Brougham is waiting. A mansion, where 
there is a wedding-breakfast giingon, is also a capital plant. The 
address can always be learnt for sixpence of any of the servants in rose-leaf 
stockings that strew the steps of St. George's any fashionable morning. 

P.S. The best hours for playing the above instruments are decidedly 
early in the morning and late in the evening. The middle of the night 
also is a very good opportunity, as there is then no other noise, and 
you are not likely to be interrupted in your studies. 



An Empty Excuse. 

IT is stated that a considerable party of parochial patriots in 
Marylebone opposed the distribution of beef and pudding among the 
paupers on Christmas-Day. We understand that the liberal argument 
on which the proposed prohibition was founded, consisted of the sug- 
gestion, that every pauper has a right to express himself freely on the 
subject, of his real or imaginary grievances ; and that beef and pudding 
might have acted as a mode of stopping his mouth. 



A SLAP ON THE FACE OF THE LEGISLATURE. Great sensation has 
been created at Birmingham. Certain influential Electors have called 
upon MR. MUNTZ either to " shave, or resign." 



INFORMATION FOR MR. BRIGHT. If anybody wishes to know, what 
the object of the War is, he may be told, tliat it is to compel the CZAR 
1 to retrace his steppes. 



JANUARY 5, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



" KING JACKY."-POTTS v. KETTLES. 

A CASE, involving at, once the profoundest and the highest interests 
of the drama, came on last week before the worthy Magistrate of Bow 
Street ; and was adjudicated by his worship with all his well-known 
acumen ; namely, it was summarily dismissed. As, however, the 
merits or demerits, or both, of the matter must be of absorbing interest 
to all true lovers of the high drama in its present marked influence 
upon the refinements and happiness of existing society, Mr. Punch, gives 



TRUE MESSENGERS OF PEACE. 

THERE was a time when anybody would have been laughed at for 
being so ignorant of warlike affairs, as to suppose that a twenty-four- 
pounder was a ball costing twenty-four pounds. That time was a 
happy time, that ignorance was indeed bliss. Shells are now in pro- 
gress of manufacture for Government by the Lowmore Iron Company, 
of the value, even when unfilled, of from 20 to 25 each. This may 
be denominated shelling out with 



j out with a vengeance; which, however, if 

a 'report of the case. thoroughly executed, the nation will not mind. These shells are 9 feet 

It appeared that MESSRS. POTTS AND KETTLES were the joint 5 inches in circumference, 36 inches in diameter, 1 ton C cwt. in 
claimants of one idea ; an idea worked out, and drest and painted, and weight, and have to be hoisted into the mortar by machinery. Pray 




offended the very pardonable self-love of MR. KETTLES ; who, at least, 
had all lawful right, share, and proprietary in at least a clear half of the 
idea aforesaid. Perhaps, however, for the readier appreciation of the 
importance of the cause, we ought to make known in what specially 
the originality of the idea consisted ; it was this. It had struck POTTS 



for the Baltic Fleet. Choose expert gunners, that twenty-five pounds 
sterling shot may not be thrown away. The expense of their produc- 
tion is awful; horrible; agonising to think of; anything that MR. 
BRIGHT may choose to call it except unnecessary. But, if they only 
fly the required distance, and fall in the right place hurrah for the 



that it would" be emphatically instructive to a most thinking playhouse j expense, because it will preclude a vastly greater expense. Eight in 
public to unbend the tragic dignity of Kiny John into the loose bur- j the centre of a dense mass of Russian troops ; right into the most im- 
tesque of King Jacky. And this idea POTTS, with all the generosity of portant works manned with the greatest possible number of the enemy 
original genius, declared himself ready to share with KETTLES, if j the enemy of freedom and civilisation ; right into the powder maga- 
KETTLES, on his part, would merely supply the humour, wit, and fancy zine of the biggest man-of-war, containing as large a crew of Russian 



the irony, the satire, and the sardonic qualities necessary to insure 
the admiration and patronage of an enlightened British audience for 
the original adaptation of Ring Jacky. Now, contrary to the wish of 
POTTS, and in flagrant violation of the rights accruing to him from an 
original idea (and who is to calculate how many nights of severe 
thought it will take even the readiest genius, to lie awake and toss and 



tumble in bed, ere like a shooting-star, the bright idea shall descend devastation, when you are driven to it, is the only economy of slaughter 



upon him of changing King John into the mirth-compelling King Jacky?) 
in contempt, we say, of the rights of POTTS, KETTLES prints King 
Jacky; and thus, flings it open to the use and abuse of country 
managers. Hereupon, KETTLES makes an affidavit before a judge, and 
POTTS has to pay for the swearing. Upon which POTTS makes a charge 
of perjury against KETTLES, and KETTLES, attending before the worthy 
Magistrate, strengthened and assisted by his counsel, KETTLES laughs 
POTTS to scorn. Ha ! ha ! 

The worthy Magistrate dismissed the case. He did not see how a 
charge of perjury could be maintained ; although he had no doubt could 
he see King Jaclcy as printed he should be able to satisfy himself that 
a great deal of bad language had been used by both parties. 




ruffians as it can hold ; in any and each of these places a shell falling 
true, and punctually bursting, that is the right shell in the right place. 
Every twenty-five pounds fired against the Muscovites will represent 
so much privation necessitated on our part by them. That it may 
scatter misery and destruction a hundredfold around it is the humanest 
thing that philanthropy herself could wish. Wholesale slaughter and 



and devastation. Ala*, that we cannot exterminate as cheaply as 
noisome insects, that it is not in our power to bane at the rate of rats 
the vermin by whose infestation we are tormented ! But the 
riddance must be managed, cheaply if possible anyhow managed. 
The Russians have cost us a sea of our best and bravest blood. 
They are also costing us a high per-centage on our hard earnings, 
our food, and drink. But half allowance of sugar will sweeten 
the tea enough, the Income-Tax will be paid almost with enthusiasm, 
when it is considered that the cash wrung out of us goes in part to 
the manufacture of twenty-five pound shells. Provided always, that 
the shells prove really worth twenty-five pounds each ; and that we have 
the money's worth of carcases, ruins, and mischief to show for the 
money. 



PSALMODY FOR THE STUPID. 

THE attention of the ARCHBISHOP OP CANTERBURY is respectfully 
invited to the subjoined portion of a recent advertisement : 

IJYMNS FOE THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND. Thia Book will, it 
-LJ- is hoped, be found to combine, with a high and holy tone, theological accuracy of 
expression, and a strict regard to sense and grammar, rhyme, and rhythm." 

It is proper that the ARCHBISHOP should know that the foregoing is 
not the joke of some Roman Catholic or other dissenting buffoon. 
The advertisement, whence it is taken, appeared in the Times. Can it 
be necessary to advertise, for the use of the Church of England, hymns 
correct as to sense, construction, and metre ? Are the hymns, com- 
monly sung in churches, devoid, to any considerable extent, of mean- 
ing ; deficient, also, in respect of syntax and prosody ? That a demand 
might exist in the Mormon Society for rational and grammatical hymns 
is intelligible ; but the supposition that the Established Church sings 
any other sort of hymns, is either a shocking libel, or a tremendous 
satire, on the Church. 



\ \ 



FALSE ALARM OF FIRE. 

IN Paris on Christmas-day there was great excitement outside LORD 
COWLEY'S official residence; a feeling that admirably displayed the 
interest felt for the English Ambassador by our amiable Allies. It was 
for a time believed that the mansion of the Embassy was on fire. All 
the practical authorities on fire hurried to the spot; the great fire- 
engine, exhibited at the Exhibition, was speedily upon the ground, 
when, after due investigation, it was discovered that the alarm of fire 
at the mansion of HER BRITANNIC MAJESTY'S Ambassador at Paris 
arose from a very natural mistake on the part of the unsophisticated 
Parisians. The fact is, ou Christmas-day LORD COWLEY had absolutely 
determined to give a dinner to a few of his countrymen ; and, the false 
alarm naturally enough arose with the smoke, seen for the first time 
from his Excellency's kitchen chimney. 



CLEANLINESS AND CATHOLICISM. 

ADVOCATING the establishment of Baths and Washhouses in the City 
of London, MR. W. HA WES says 
" These institutions are most catholic in their principles and applications." 

Catholicity may, perhaps, be predicated of the principles and appli- 
cations of baths and washhouses ; but, to judge from the personal 
appearance of the low Irish, and the evidence of astonishing abstinence 
from soap and water recorded of certain personages in the Roman 
Calendar of high sanctity sanctity which must have been very high 
indeed we cannot but regard baths aud washhouses as any but a 
Popish kind of institution. 



CURIOUS FREAK OF NATURE. LORD COWLEY gave a large dinner- 
party on Cliristmas-day at the English Embassy in Paris. Covers 
were laid for three ! 



10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 5, 1856'. 



TO ..SLACK'S 
CQAL>WHArVF 




a 1 . 



SHORT-SIGHTED PRIDE. 

Lady with glasses. " Well, I'm sure ! the impertinence of the Lower Classes is 
astonishing ! It will be quite time to leave off our Round Hats, >/ they are to be 
worn by creatures like these." 



HEROES AT A DISCOUNT. 

WE have seen in the shop windows a large engraving repre- 
senting a number of military oliicers, and labelled with the 
words, " WATERLOO HEROES, ONE GOINEA ; SOLD AT FOUR 
GUINEAS." We do not see why the Waterloo Heroes should 
have undergone such a terrible reduction as to have fallen no 
less than seventy-five per cent. ; and, indeed, we cannot help 
thinking that some of the Crimean Heroes if we take into 
account the treatment they have met with are better adapted 
to be regarded in the light of an alarming sacrifice. The 
Waterloo Heroes have done nothing, and suffered nothing 
recently which cau account for their suddenly falling in public 
estimation to one-fourth of the price that was formerly set 
upon them. Military heroes, we know, are at all times liable 
to he "cleared off;" and there are many officers that "must 
so," whether they find it agreeable or otherwise ; but the 
fame of the Waterloo Heroes might, we think, have sustained 
them at the price at which it seems they have been " regularly 
sold " up to the present period. 



Cruel Kindness. 

THE EMPEROR OF RUSSIA'S friends (if he has any) will 
probably try and make a point in his favour by pointing to the 
enfranchisement of the serfs. If we were not afraid of bein"- 
accused of barbarism almost as great as that of the Northern 
Despot, we should be disposed to reply, that this assumed 
liberality to the serfs is all on the surface. 



Severity of the Season. 

(Extremely Unromantic.) 

ALFRED, devotedly in love, asked MARIA for her hand. " You 
may have it, ALFRED, dear," the artless girl replied; "but I 
am afraid you will find it twice its usual size ; for it's covered 



i all over with chilblains." 



POLICEMAN'S LOGIC. 

A POLICEMAN may be a rery fair witness when he limits himself to a 
mere matter of fact, but he is seldom to be relied upon when he 
attempts to go through a process of reasoning, and offers the result as 
evidence, liow can we reason but from what we know? is a very 
natural question ; but if the poet had asked. " What can we know, but 
from what we reason ? " the query would never have been handed 
down to us, except as an instance of gross absurdity. We find, how- 
ever, from a recent police case at Marylebone, that the reasoning 
powers of a metropolitan constable are occasionally used by himself to 
supply a want of actual knowledge, as may be seen in the following 
brief dialogue : 

" MiOiSTHiTE. Do you think the pork was stolen ? " 

" POLICEMAN-. I have no doubt of it, or she would not have let it drop." 

Upon this principle it would appear that no one can be supposed "to 
have" legally what he cannot ''hold," and that, therefore, if any 
individual were to permit his watch, or his purse, or any other article to 
drop, he may be presumed to have stolen it. This species of circum- 
stantial evidence must be received wiih considerable caution, for there 
are many articles that one might very innocently drop, such as a hot 
plate, a tea-kettle not supplied with an efficient holder, and a variety of 
other things which one nould not like to be accused of stealing, unless 
one was prepared to burn one's fingers. The policeman who pro- 
nounced a leg of pork to be stolen because the accused " let it drop," 
should be careful to avoid such nonsense, and cither " drop it " in the 
vulg.tr sense, or not let it drop from his mouth on any future occasion. 



Tory Nursery Song. 

explanatory of certain Peactmoitgeriiig.') 

I-A-BY, PALMY, on the tree-top, 
1' VI.MY 's in office the Russians to wop ; 
Patch up a peace, and old PALMY will fall, 
And up will go DABBY, and DIZZY, and all. 



THE KING OF PRUSSIA'S OWN. 

LIEUTENANT GENESTE, in his report of the Hango massacre, states 
that 

" The soldiers who perpetrated this most barbarous outrage were not irregular troops 
or militia, but belonged to one of the best Russian regiments, the grenadiers of 
FRHDEIUCK WILLIAM of Prussia, as they are called; the Kiug of Prussia being their 
Colonel." 

So the KING OF PRUSSIA still retains his commission in the Russian 
army. It was stated, shortly after the commencement of the War, that 
NICHOLAS had dismissed him summarily from the service. In fairness 
it should be mentioned, that FREDERICK WILLIAM'S dismissal was not 
ascribed at the time to any conduct unworthy of an officer and a gentle- 
man. The EMPEROR, his late master, was supposed to have sent him 
about his business, simply for having presumed to express somewhat 
resembling an opinion of his own on the Eastern question. Even this 
supposition now appears to have been incorrect, FRITZ having all alon- 
"remained the same for Russia " namely, a Colonel of Russian 
grenadiers. 

Now, considering whose men these soldiers were who fired on 
LIEUTENANT GENESTE and his flag of truce ; considering who their 
Colonel was, and how potent is the force of example in high places, 
there is something to be said for them which may at least divest that 
act of the character of a cold-blooded murder. What that is it is 
unnecessary more distinctly to specify. Of course it is no excuse for 
such a deed in point of law ; still we feel that a crime committed under 
excitement, however occasioned, is a different thing from a deliberate 
act. " A soldier's a man, and man's life 's but a span," &c., as is unhap- 
pily too strikingly instanced by our own soldiers in the Crimea- there- 
fore we have no call to brag, as they say in the country : still in what- 
ever state our gallant fellows might be, we trust that -they would always 
know better what they were about than to fire a whole regiment of 
them at a time upon a few unarmed and defenceless men bearing a 
flag ot truce. Drunk or sober, they never could, we are persuaded 
make such horrid beasts of themselves as to do that, like the Russian 
grenadiers, whose Colonel is the KING OF PRUSSIA 



ANGLO-FRENCH. 

PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS :' Many to whom this question is put will 
answer, " T, remercy," and if they are further aikcd, 

:eit( tons portez-voui ? will reply " V 'ay pew." 



Intelligence from Berlin. 

T " E .intoxication which has been so rife among the British troops in 
Crimea lias of late formed the principal subject here of general 
conversation. The tide has turned again in a high quarter, and decided 
sympathy has been expressed for our brave but bosky fellows 



Vrtnt-d b, WUIi.m 



. of No. 13 Tppcr Wobun, Pl.w. ,nd Frederick Mulled ,. of No. W, 



' '" "" 



"' WUlef "" 



I ?n,n'".Jr Mi"',' 1 ?y*t' P " V .'!"' ' h p ril- of <. P,ncra. In the Conntjr of Middle 
London, aul Publlthed bf them at No. si. Fleet Street, in the furitli of St. Brids, ia tla! Citj 



eitj of 



JANUARY 12, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11 



I ! 







PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEAEE. 

" Trinculo. I do now let loose my opinion, ho!d it no longer; this is no fish, but an Islander." 

Tensest, Act ii., Scene 2. 



SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING. 

CONSIDEBING the scarcity of Sinecures, they 
ought to be at a premium just now, and there 
i should consequently be a rather brisk demand 
for a thing we saw advertised the other day as 
"a Sinecure of 1,500 per annum." The candidate 
for this comfortable position must be prepared to 
"introduce 15,000," or rather to educe and pull 
out the sum in question, for which he will be 
allowed interest at the rate of five per cent., in 
addition to the salary attached to his Sinecure. 
This eligible opportunity is offered, with propor- 
tionate advantages, to the owner of ten, or even 
five, thousand pounds, but the advertiser candidly 
admits that to " the capitalist producing the full 
amount of 15,000 the preference will be 
given." It is natural that fifteen thousand 
pounds should be preferred to five, or even to 
ten, and we do not wonder that the owner of the 
first-named sum should be regarded with peculiar 
favour by the patrons of the Sinecure. The 
place, to which no duties attach, is said (o be 
exactly suited to a Member of Parliament, a 
clergjman, or even a lady; and as there is 
nothing to do, but only somebody to be done, we 
have no doubt ihat parties will be found whose 
capacity of pocket and incapacity for work will 
fit them for the position. 

A Jump to a Conclusion. 

IT being remarked at supper the other evening, 
that there had been a more than usual number of 
parties given upon New Year's Eve, for the annual 
purpose of dancing the old year out ; a small wag, 
who unfortunately happened to be sitting within 
ear-shot, observed that he supposed the increase 
was chiefly to be attributed to the fact, that people 
thought it proper to enter Leap Year with a hop. 



"SALTING" AN INVOICE. 

the Dictionary of Commercial Slang comes to be written, we 
hope the lexicographer will not torget to give due prominence to the 
word "Salting," which is used to describe a peculiar operation that is 
sometimes performed oa " the market." Perhaps the following dia- 
logue taken from the report of a trial in the Court of Exchequer, will 
throw some light on the process : 

"On mentioning one of the invoices the defendant alluded to the custom of ' salting ' 
invoices as very pievalent at that time in the Australian trade. 

" Mi:. BsAKWlELL. What do you mean by salting ' an invoice ? 

" Witness. The price inserted in the invoice is not the true price Riven for the 
goods ; it is a larger one, and the goods in Australia are sold upon an advance upon 
Ihe invoice price. 

" MR. BKAMU-ELL. The invoice, then, is shown to the customer, and he believes the 
sum mentioned in it to be the real price? 

'I The CIUKF BARON. Is that 80? 

',', A Jui 'yran. Yes, my Lord ; it was very common, I know. 

i CHIRP BABON. I think that in most criminal courts that I am acquainted with 
;nat would he called obtaining money under false pretences. 

" The Witness. My Lord, the buyer has the goods to examine. It was the general 
custm. 

"The CHIEF BARO*. I think it my duty to say, that I think such a practice illegal 
and criminal, and I hope it will cot be persisted in." 

We quite agree with the CHIEF BARON in his view of the law, but 
when we had a juryman speaking coolly of the practice as "a very 
common one, he knows " we doubt whether that great palladium of our 
rights, familiarly described as "twelve men in a box" would find a 
fellow-tradesman guilty of a crime for following what the juryman 
would have us believe is a common commercial practice. 

We strongly suspect that, according to the rules of morality whicli 
however, by common consent, are not supposed to apply to trade half 
the business m the country is carried on upon the pr iuciple of obtaining 
money under false pretences. Every untrue aunouncement of a sule 
. under cost price," every ticket describing an article as that which it 
is not, every label m a window attached to any piece of goods that is not 
to be had at the price affixed to it, any one of these tricks which meet 
one at every turn m every street, is an attempt to obtain money under 
lalse pretences. We do not wouder that when in old comedy we hear 
a. clap-trap about "the honour of the British merchant," and the 
integrity of the English tradesman," there is a supercilious sneer from 
the boxes, a gentle giggle from the pit, and a loud laugh from the 
gallery V\ e have been told occasionally, that, commercial roguery is 
confined to the petty tradesmen, and that our "merchant princes" are 
quite above anything like fraud ; but what are we to say to this " com- 
mop, practice among wholesale houses of " Salting an'lnvoice?" 



There is something really alarming in the excessive bluntness of the 
moral sense which seems to exist in some commercial quarters ; and we 
recollect nothing much cooler than the apology made by the witness a 
" highly respectable man," we dare say who exclaimed in answer to 
the CHIEF BABON'S rebuke of the system, "My Lord, the buyer has 
the goods to examine. It was the general custom." It might as well 
be said, in answer to a charge of uttering a forged note, " My Lord, 
the prosecutor had the note to examine ; he ought, to have found out, 
that my pretence as to its value was a false one." If the custom of 
" Salting an Invoice" is really as common as we are led to believe, we 
can only say, that after the declaration of the CHIEF BAROH, that the 
Act constitutes a false pretence, and the obtaining monev by it is a 
crime, it is the duty of every customer to prosecute every tradesman who 
is guilty of. the fraud in question. 

BOOKS LYING ON MR. DUNUP'S TABLE. 

THE Laundress' Book, with a request pinned on the outside, " Too Be Hat tended 2." 
The Washing Book, with an intimation, anything but politely worded, that MR. 

DONUP'S linen will not be sent home, until the Bum of 18. SJ., which has been 

owing ever so long, is paid. 
The Butcher's Book, the entries of which consist mostly of "One Chop," which have 

accumulated, in spite of several small sums paid on account, to an almost incredible 

number. 

A lied Book (1849). A Blue Book (1837), and a Law Book (1860). 
The Twenty-Ninth Volume of PRENDEBOABT'S " Abridgement. 1 ' 
An odd volume of a circulating library novel, the title-page torn out, but supposed to 

be one of MR. G. P. K. JAMES', as the opening-scene, id in Langnedoc, and there is a 

description of two travellers on horseback. 
A Loan Book, belonging to the " Mutual Samaritan Office," in which there are two 

entries, of 2.. Gd. There is a lapse of six wteks between the two payments. 
A small parcel of writs', summonses, income-tax papers, and papers of every kind, 

public and private, but all of them, demanding payment in a very summary manner, 

and the majority of them additionally endorsr d with a threat that ' the Bearer wili 

not call again." This miscellaneous collection is kept dovrn in a state of abject 

submission by a large lion's-head knocker, that is doing duty ia the character of an 

iron paper-weight. 
Two Volumes (V. and VI.) of the History of England, by HUME AND SMOLLETT, which 

on being opened are discovered to contain dice-boxes, and to be nothing more than 

the iiibidious cover for a backgammon-board. 



A JUVENILE PAETY. 



LORD JOHN MANNEBS gave a grand Juvenile Par'y during the 
Christmas week, which some of the oldest members of Young England 
attended. There were not more than five of these youthful celebrities 
present, and yet their united ages amounted to upwards of 300. 




CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1856. 



Old Ladv " Oh, ah! yte, it ' the Waitt. I love to listen to 'em. It may be fancy, lut somehow 
they don't seem to play to tu-eetly as they did when, I was a girl. Perhaps it is that I m getting old, 
and don 'I h<ar quite so well as I used to do." 



CLAIRVOYANT CHRONOLOGY. . 

1857. Dissolution of the Peace Society, in 
consequence of MB. BMGHT'S accepting office as 
Minister-at-War. 

1866. A clean street seen m the City for an 
hour or two. 

1869. Lodgers' Relief Act passed : containing 
clauses for the prevention of door-chains and 
. treet music ; and the substitution of young and 
neat teetotal handmaidens for slatternly and old 
gin-smelling charwomen. 

1S70. The KING of PBTJSSIA is'.induced to take 
the pledge. 

1880. The Inhabitant of a "quiet" street g9es 
quite out of his mind, in consequence of having 
passed a whole day without hearing a barrel- 

1858. Great activity in the Library of the 
British Museum. The catalogue advanced nearly 
half a column. 

1899. The Rights of Charwomen investigated 
a f the Home Office. (Very) cross-examination 
o'~ above tive hundred witnesses ; and defeat of 
ihn Government in its endeavour to define, within 
a little, what the claimants mean by "pnck- 
wisite." 



Terms for Brutes. 

STBANGE as it may seem, the only language 
which Russian diplomatists are capable of under- 
s'anding is inatticulate. For it is that which 
proceeds from the cannon's mouth. Yet what 
can a Bear be expected to understand but a roar ? 
We trust the Allies will make the Russian Bear 
understand their meaning clearly enough by the 
roar of artillery. 



SEX IN THE CHURCH. 

ONE of the PUSEYS whether a relative, or merely a namesake of the 
notorious Romanesque clergyman or, for aught we know, the MAGNCS 
APOLLO of the pseudo-Roman-Catholic Priests himself, has lately in- 
dulged in a new vagary of Puseyism; at least, if credit is due to the 
Building j\eirs. Tdat journal mentions that 

" A learned divine, the REV. MR. PUBIY, of Langley, more conversant with th e 

practices of the dark agea than with the institutions of the country in which it ha 8 

| been his lot to be Wn has in building a new church for his parishioners, attempted 

i to divide ihi' trtmllies of his congregation, quartering them out, the males on one side, 

and , '..irating husbands and wives, mothers and sons, fathers 

and daughter*, hnitln-rs and sUtt T-, master! and maidens. To his great surprise and 

..relation has refused to be so parcelled out like 81. eep in a market ; 

ana this attempt to treut Englishmen after this ancient fashion has signally failed." 

Our authority above quoted thereupon suggests, that the failure of the 
Reverend gentleman in that attempt of his was a great pity ; and that 
had he : M it, he might have been encouraged to carry out his 

idea by building unisexual churches; churches for men alone, and 
women MIL Pi: SKY, perhaps, considers that in 

church at least, it is good for inan to be alone, and lor woman to be 
alone also. The notion of an unisexual church may be pleasant to .M :;. 
but would not be completely practicable. To be strictly 
unisexual, the church would have to be served by a clergy woman ; and 
canonicals are incompatible with petticoats. It is true that Ceres 
had her priest^, allliuu^h women exclusively constituted her. congre- 
gation; but let, us hoi mysteries of Ceres will never be 
celebrated iii a British place of worship, whatever other mummeries 
may be prac' iscd there : and that no sound Anglican divine will ever be 
found to rr'cmblc: the cle.rgy of that heathen divinity. 

\\V slKiiil.l be inclim-.i to doubt the tact that the REV. MR. PUSEY 
derived his crotchet of separating his congregation into two genders 
from the dark ages. \V'c should rather be inclined to conjecture, 
that he to< k it into his head from these present days of progress. 
MR. I'CSEY, in the course of his travels, must have often seen an in- 
r the doors of railwa. ooms, which may reason- 

d to have iunn.shi <i him with a hijit for his mas- 
culine and feminine church-sit t injs. 11 so, a double church, with a 
wall in the middle, if that arrangement is compa'ible with 
i al rules of building, would be the kind of sacred edifice for his 

It is, however, but fair to Mu. Pnsiy to remark, that he has a per- 
1 his congregation to adopt any arrangement, 
i he may judge conducive to their spiritual 



advantage. "As he appears to have built the church himself, he may be 
presumed to have paid his money, and in regulating its sittings may 
plausibly expect to take his choice. 



IS IT POSSIBLE? 

NOBODY will suspect Punch of being opposed to a really cheap press ; 
but there seems to be a doubt, whether the principle of a cheap press is 
really advanced by the establishment of very low-priced Newspapers. 
The other day a cheap provincial print was put up for sale, and knocked 
down for one hundred pounds to the first and only bidder, who wenl 
away to look for the deposit (which he did not happen to have about 
him), and never came back again. Some of these Newspapers are saic 
to have entailed enormous losses on their proprietors, so that the 
cheapness to the buyers has proved very dear indeed to the sellers, who 
in many cases have been glad to leave off, not exactly where they 
besan, though they wish they could have done so. 

For our own parts, we shall be really sorry if a cheap newspaper press 
will not pay; for we like to see plenty of everything if it happens to 
be good or harmless sold for as little money as possible. We, how 
ever, confess that we do not sympathise with the sufferings of those 
who fail .in an attempt to produce a cheap article by taking to them 
selves for nothing what somebody else has produced at a considerable 
expense ; and, indeed, we regard all speculations of the kind as little 
better than that of a pickpocket, who should set himself up as - 
dealer in cheap poeket-handkerchiefs. 

We do not say that any of the low-priced papers that haye failed 
have attempted to flourish on the practice of literary plunder, but, w 
had much rather see half-a-dozen honest, though unwise, speculators 
break down in the attempt to establish a cheap newspaper press, thai 
> witness the pecuniary success of any one who might set a 
defiance all the distinctions between meum and tuum, and flourish b; 
the sale of stolen articles. If a penny newspaper press is to be 
established bv fair means, none will rejoice more sincerely than our 
selves ; but if it can only be accomplished by'foul play, we shall hai 
every failure as a wholesome triumph of principle. 



DIPLOMATIC WANT or FORESIGHT. The name of the Envoy sen 
from Paris, to Dresden and St. Petersburg is M. BE SEEBACH. Wi 
hope this gentleman will not confine himself to the meaning expressei 
in iiis name; but that SEE-BACH will Look-forward. 



JANUARY 12, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



13 







A PROSPECTUS OF A NEW PEACE JOURNAL. 

HORTLY will be produced, to be 
continued weekly, a 
new paper, under the 
title of tbe Thieves' 
Advocate. The can- 
dour of this denomi- 
nation will be no 
matter of surprise to 
those who consider the 
increasing numbers 
and respectability of 
the class of persons 
vulgarly termed! 
Thieves. By the hos- 
tile testimony of SEK- ! 
JEANT ADAMS, it is ' 
established that, the ! 
members of the com- 
munity engaged in 
theft, including dis- 
honesty, s>o called, in 
all its branches*, con- 
stitute a peculiar, and 
in a certain sense a 
regular, Profession, 
wiih several depart- 
ments, each having 
its special cultivators. 
Three bankers of the 
very highest standing 
have recently been 
sentenced to fourteen 

years' transportation, for disposal of securities. Later still, transportation for life has been 
awarded to a clergyman, the next heir to a peerage, convicted of the fictitious endorsement 
of a bill of exchange. Railway embezzlement and peculation are almost uuiver.-al. These 
facts, partly melancholy, partly cheering, sufficiently demonstrate the existence of a large 
and important body, whose sentiments are at variance with commonly-received notions of 
proprietary right. It is high time that they possessed an organ, and a supply of this want is 
offered in the ^Thieves' Advocate ; a Newspaper expressly intended for Thieves, and to be 
devoted to the furtherance of their moral, material, and intellectual progress. 

The stigma attached to theft is purely conventional. The least intelligent members of 
our Swell Mob can remind a Beak, that what is here punishable as felony, was legal in Sparta 
in as far as the mere act went ; detection therein only being liable to a penalty. Names 
that were once infamous have since become respectable ; and to these names, we doubt not, 
the onward social movement will, in due time, add that of Thief. 

Theft is simply the operation of superior strength or superior cunning, reclaiming the 
wealth appropriated by superior intelligence, patience, economy, and industry. The primary 
object of the Thieves' Advocate will be the assertion of this doctrine, and of the corresponding 
principle of Unrestricted Action, which, from a Thief's point of view, is seen to be merely an 
extension of Free Trade. 

No fear is entertained for the success of this Journal on the, score of the alleged want of 
education prevalent among the predatory classes. Theft, in the large sense, includes forgery 
and swindling ; an art and a science which exact no small acquaintance with letters, and, 
indeed, the very best, writing. 

In regard to the religious controversies of the day, this Journal will take a line at once 
moderate and decided. On the most important of all topics its Conductors have their own 
opinions, which, whilst the freedom of conscient ious utterance is still restrained by some 
trammels, they think they had best perhaps keep to themselves. Suffice it to say, that they 
are actuated by EO narrow spirit of bigotry. Their practical advocacy will be given to 
that great moral tenet, which is distinctive of the excellent Society of Friends, Non- 
Resistance to Aggression. 

Were this wise and beautiful doctrine recognised as an axiom in legislation, the enormous 
expense entailed upon the country by a constabulary and gaols, penitentiaries, and mis- 
named reformatory institutions, would be precluded, and a vast reduction would be effected 
in the County Kates. The office of the policeman would be limited to remonstrance, as he 
would nor. be sanctioned in using his staff; thus his office would be practically useless; 
and JACK KETCH and the Gallows would be entirely superseded. 

Conformably with this view, the object of the Thieves' Advocate will necessarily, be the 
restoration of Peace upon any terms. More money has already been spent in the War, than 
what, if quietly stolen, would have sufficed for the maintenance of all the Thieves in the 
country, many of whom are now costing it a prodigious sum for their maintenance in 
prison or in penal servitude, over and above the trifling amount abstracted from the 
national resources by their original operations. 

The Thieves' Advocate contemplates without the least alarm the possible universality 
of the Russian Empire ; in whicli tbe severity of the law is experienced chiefly by political 
offenders alone ; and wherein, under a paternal government, the interests represented by this 
Journal enjoy considerable licence. 

The support of the Thieves' Advocate will unhesitatingly be given to the present EMPEROR 
or RUSSIA, whose perseverance in withstanding the demands of the Allies for the relin- 
quishment of his designs on Turkey, has the warmest sympathy and approbation of its con- 
ductors. They feel, also, earnestly solicitous to vindicate the memory of his late father, 
the illustrious NICHOLAS, who to signally asserted their principles in taking material 



guarantees, and who so highly merited their 
respect, and set them so encouraging an example 
in dying game. "Tell FRITZ to remember the 
words of Papa, and always to remain the same 
for Russia," was the memorable point of his 
last dying speech. With equal pluck, if less 
elegance, how many an intrepid fellow has said, 
under similar circumstances : " Ttjl BILL to 
mind the old un's adwice, and stick fast to the 
set." 

The Thieves' Advocate will be conducted by a 
staff of legal gentlemen, whose position and ex- i 
perience have rendered them intimately con- 
versant with the wishes and feelings of their 
anticipated readers. It will be published at the 
small charge of One Penny. N. B. (particularly) 
Stumps Down! 



VALENTINE FOR RUSSIA. 
(Favoured bi/ PRINCE VALENTINE ESTEMIAZY.) 

THE Danube made a river free ; 
No war-ships in the Euxine Sea, 
No fortresses along its coasts 
As dens for your marauding hosts ; 
The Principalities secured, 
Against your burglary insured ; 
Abandonment of all your freaks 
About protecting Abdul's Greeks ; 
And lastly, and to clench the whole, 
You don't rebuild Sebastopol. 

To these demands if you incline 
Receive with smiles your VALENTINE. 



ELOCUTION FOE CHEMISTS. 

A CORRESPONDENT has directed our attention 
to some rather long and complex words, occur- 
ring in a volume recently publishfd by the 
Cavendish Chemical Book Society, and being a 
translation of M. AUGUSTE LAURENT'S work on 
Chemical Method. In this treatise a certain 
organic compound is denominated. 

" Hydrated nitrochloronaphtbal-nitrobromamlate of me- 
thyloethy loamy touitroiodopheoy lium." 

Whereby our Correspondent is put in mind 
of the similarly designated substance 

" Methylethylamylopbenylium." 

Our Correspondent judiciously abstains from 
remarking on the absurdity of these odd tech- 
nical Itenns, because, though odd. they are in 
tact not absurd. Big ideas, as DR. JOHNSON 
said in self-defence, must have bigwoids to 
express them; and compound things, to b<; 
correctly described, require compound immes of 
portwnate intricacy. On the other bund, it is 
certainly true, that practically few persons can 
hear such words as the above pronounced with- 
out laughing, but that is chiefly because they 
are not pronounced in reality, but only linve_ an 
attempt made at their pronunciation, which is a 
failure. Their utterance, to coin a word for the 
nonce, is rather a stutterance which incurs 
derision. This, as chemical conversation is 
getting prevalent just now, by reason of ihe very 
general rascality practised in the adulteration of 
food, is a case to be remedied. A course of 
! lessons from MR. CHARLES MAT/HEWS iu Che- 
mical Elocution, is the only thing that appears 
capable of answering that purpose, and at- least 
everybody who means to lecture ou Chemistry, 
and talk about methyloethjlo, &c., sho..ld, if 
possible, put himself in training under t i 
tleman, who also, perhaps, might be eni: 
the Royal : Institution, if the Managers : iie.irof 
are sufficiently discerning and liberal, to sing a 
number of songs introducing methyloand ethylo, 
and all the like chemical craekjaw terms in all 
their varieties of combination and complexity, 
at the Theatre. 



14 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1S56. 




TALK OP A MAD DOG, INDEED ! WHAT 's THAT TO A WET ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER UNDER THE BKEAKPAST TABLE ON A HUNTING 

MORNING, AMONGST THE NICE CLEAN TOPS AND BUCKSKINS ? 

[A Favourite Lawn Meet and not a moment to spare. 



MAKING THINGS PLEASANT IN CHINA. 

AMONG a variety of miscellaneous news that arrived by the last 
Indian Mai), we received the following consolatory, but startling, 
intelligence : 

" China is tranquil. Three hundred persons are bebeaded weekly." 

Nobody can deny the pleasures of tranquillity; but the article seems 
to be dearly purchased just now in China, by what may be justly 
termed an " alarming sacrifice." Anything for a quiet life, is all very 
well to a certain extent ; but it is purchasing peace at a somewhat 
unreasonable price, when tranquillity is only to be obtained by admi- 
nistering a permanent quietus in the course of every week to three 
hundred citizens. If we were to hear that any European city was 
tranquil, but that heads were falling at the rate of fifty per day, we 
should begin to be afraid that there was something very deadly in the 
quietude of the place ; and we s-hould not envy the peace of a capital 
which had grown so familiar with capital punishment. The relations 
between the government and the people of China are not^in a very 
satisfactory state just now ; and it was lately a toss-up which would 
get the upper-hand ; but it seems to be, " heads we lose, and tails we 
can't, win," with the unfortunate populace. We cannot admire the 
wisdom of any government which, in its search for a cure of social 
grievances, goes "axeing about," and never finding out; though it is 
possible that, some politicians of the old sanguinary school may be of 
opinion, tha u when rebellion comes to a head, decapitation is the 
appropriate remedy. 

A Question of Suspension. 

"SUSPEND your judgments!" cry all the officials of the Eastern 
Counties Hallway involved in the Report of the Committee of Investi- 
gation. 

" Suspend your officials," would be perhaps the better cry, or else the 
Eastern Counties Railway will be having more judgments suspended 
over its head thau it will he able, with the help even of its fastest 
engine, to meet. 



AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS. 

With War prices in Mark Lane, and an average harvest, we cer- 
tainly did not expect this year that we should have to head a paragraph 
with the " once familiar words " which we have placed at the top of 
this. But we think the following advertisement, taken from the 
Suffolk Chronicle a short time since, will be held as a sufficient reason 
for our doing so : 

TTHE Daughter of a Respectable Farmer wishes for a Situation as 
J- Housemaid, where the consideration of her respectability would exempt her from 
a few of the moat mental offices. 

If this be really " a case of real distress," we would be the last in 
any way to hold it up to ridicule. The farmer, though " respectable," 
may have been unfortunate ; and, in his daughter being driven to seek 
a place as housemaid, we can see far less to laugh at than to pity. . 

But, in stipulating as she does, that, "the consideration of her 
respectability " may exempt her from certain of a housemaid's duties, 
we fear that she will find she is imposing a condition, which would 
deter most people from answering Tier advertisement. We doubt, 
indeed, if her respectability would be held, in lawyer's phrase, a " valu- 
able consideration " for any proviso of exemption from service, even 
were the " offices " required of her " most menial," a superlative we do 
not positively comprehend. And in laying such a stress upon her own, 
and also her paternal respectability, she seems to us as though imply- 
ing that the quality is rather a scarce article npw-a-days, and that 
housemaids in general are in particular deficient in it. 
' We would, therefore, certainly advise this young person, if she 
repeats her advertisement, to omit the latter part of it. While it 
stands as above, we apprehend that much as she may "wish for" a 
housemaid's situation, we shall vainly echo her a wish that she may 
get it. 

A MONSTER PLURALIST. DR. HALE, being present when the Plu- 
rality of Worlds formed the subject of conversation, is said to have shed 
tears, " because he hadn't a living in each." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 12, 1856. 



'./ V 






! r ' 



. ' ^^ 




THE AUSTRIAN THIMBLERIG. 

zff. "NOW THEN, I'LL BET ANY GENT A SOVEREIGN, HE DON'T TELL ME WHICH THIMBLE 

THE PEACE IS UNDER!" 



JANUARY 12, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



17 



THE SONG OF HIAWATHA. 

(Author's Protective Edition.) 

You, who hold in grace and honour, 
Hold, as one who did you kindness 
When he publish'd former poems, 
Sang EVANGELINE the noble, 
Sang the golden Golden Legend, 
Sang the songs the Voices utter 
Crying in the Night and darkness. 
Sang how unto the Red Planet 
Mars, he gave the Night's First Watches, 
HENRY WADSWORTH, whose adnomen 
(Coming awkward, for the accents, 
Int9 this his latest rhjthm) 
Write we as Protracted Fellow, 
Or in Latin, Longus Comes, 
Buy the Song of Hiawatha. 

Should you ask me, Is the poem 
Worthy of its predecessors, 
Worthy of the sweet conceptions, 
Of the manly, nervous diction, 
Of the phrase, concise or pliant, 
Of the songs that sped the pulses, 
Of the songs that gemm'd the eyelash, 
Of the other works of HENRY ? 
I should answer, I should tell you, 
You may wish that you may get it 
Don't you wish that you may get it ? 

Should you ask me, Is it worthless, 
Is it bosh and is it bunkum, 
Merely facile flowing nonsense, 
Easy to a practised rhythmist, 
Fit to charm a private circle, 
But not worth the print and paper 
DAVID BOGTJE hath here expended ? 
I should answer, I should tell you, 
You 're a fool and most presumptuous. 
Hath not HENRY WADSWOETH writ it ? 
Hath not Punch commanded " Buy it ? " 

Should you ask me, What 's its nature ? 
Ask me, What's the kind of poem? 
Ask me in respectful language, 
Touching your respectful beaver, 
Kicking back your manly hind-leg, 
Like to one who sees his betters ; 
I should answer, I should tell you, 
"Pis a poem in this metre, 
And embalming the traditions, 
Fables, rites, and superstitions, 
Legends, charms, and ceremonials 
Of the various tribes of Indians, 
From the land of the Ojibways, 
From the land of the Dacotahs, 
From the mountains, moors, and fenlands, 
Where the heron, the Shuh-shuh-gar, 
Finds its sugar in the rushes : 
From the fast-decaying nations, 
Which our gentle Uncle SAMUEL 
Is improving, very smartly, 
From the face of all creation, 
Off the face of all creation. 

Should you ask me, By what story, 
By what action, plot, or fiction, 
All these matters are connected ? 
I should answer, I should tell you, 
Go to BOGUE and buy the poem, 
Publish'd, neatly, at one shilling, 
Publish'd, sweetly, at five shillings. 

Should you ask me, Is there music 
In the structure of the verses, 
In the names and in the phrases ? 
Pleading, that, like weaver Bottom, 
You prefer your ears well tickled ; 
I should answer, 1 should tell you, 
HENRY'S verse is very charming : 
And for names, there 's Hiawatha, 
Who 's the hero of the poem, 
Mudjeekeewis, that 's the West Wind, 



Hiawatha's graceless father, 
There's Nokomis, there's Wenonah, 
Ladies both, of various merit, 
Puggawangun, that 's a war-club, 
Pau-puk-keewis, he's a dandy 
" Barr'd with streaks of red and yellow, 
And the women and the maidens 
Love the handsome Pau-puk-keewis," 
Tracing in him Punch's likeness. 
Then there 's lovely Minnehaha, 
Pretty name with pretty meaning, 
It implies the Laughing-Water, 
And the darling Minnehaha 
Married noble Hiawatha ; 
And her story 's far too touching 
To be sport for you, you donkey, 
With your ears like weaver Bottom's, 
Ears like booby Bully Bottom. 

Once upon a time in London, 

In the days of the Lyceum, 

Ages ere keen ARNOLD let it 

To the dreadful Northern Wizard, 

Ages ere the buoyant MATHEWS 

Tripp'd upon its boards in briskness, 

I remember, I remember 

How a scribe, with pen chivalrous, 

Tried to save these Indian stories 

From the fate of chill oblivion. 

Out came sundry comic Indians 

Of the tribe of Kut-an-hack-um. 

With their Chief, the clean Efmatthews, 




With the growling Downy Beaver, 

With the valiant Monkey's Uncle, 

Came the gracious Mari-Kee-lee, 

Firing off a pocket-pistol, 

Singing too, that Mudjee-keewis 

(Shorten'd in the song to " Wild Wind "), 

Was a spirit very kindly. 

Came her Sire, the joyous Kee-lee, 

By the waning tribe adopted, 

Named the Buffalo, and wedded 

To the fairest of the maidens, 

But repented of his bargain, 

And his brother Kut-an-hack-ums 

Very nearly chopp'd his toes off. 

Serve him right, the fickle Kee-lee. 

If you ask me, What this memory 
Hath to do with Hiawatha, 
And the poem which I speak of ? 
I should answer, I should tell you, 
You 're a fool, and most presumptuous ; 
'Tis .not for such humble cattle 
To inquire what links and unions 
Join the thoughts, and mystic meanings, 
Of their betters, mighty poets, 
Mighty writers Punch the mightiest. 



I should answer, I should tell you, 

Shut your mouth, and go to DAVID, 

DAVID, Mr. Punch's neighbour, 

Buy the Song of Hiawatha, 

Head, and learn, and then be thankful 

Unto Punch and HENRY WADSWORTH, 

Punch, and noble HENRY WADSWORTH, 

Truer poet, better fellow, 

Than to be annoy'd at jesting 

From his friend, great Punch, who loves him. 



TORYISM IN THE WASHING-TUB. 

AMONG the wants of the other day, as adver- 
tised in the Times, we met with an intimation 
that one H. F., of Wandsworth, requires a 
Mangle. There is nothing very remarkable in 
this yearning for an article of much utility on 

, the part of one who may be desirous of making 
things as smooth as possible ; but we confess 
we were rather struck by the intimation that 
"no new inventions are desired." Why an 
individual should want a mangle, and yet set his 
face obstinately against any improvement in 
mangles, is a problem we cannot solve ; and 
when we reflect that in these days of progress 
mangles are particularly likely to take a turn, 
we find the objection to new inventions still 

1 more unaccountable. We presume that the 
advertisement proceeds from some old Tory 
laundress who lags in the rear of everything like 
reform, and who in her choice of a mangle 
would hang on to the old rope rather than adopt 
the patent chain and the wheel, which certainly 
has a tendency to revolution. It is, however, 
a pretty good sign of the times when the fear of 
innovation has sunk as low down in the social 
scale asjhthe suburban washerwoman, who is 
perhaps as adverse to improvement in her 
orthography as in the implements ol her trade, 
and who probably intimates by the words 
" MANGELIN Dust " her readiness to serve her 
customers. 



COMMON THINGS. 

IT is a common thing for the conductor of a 
Brompton .omnibus to propose to put you 
down within " a heasy valk " of Brixton. 

It is a common thing for a wife whose hus- 
band comes home late from a dinner-party to be 
told, " Myd-ear I shureyou porrionour I 
shefirstogerriway." 

It is a common thing for men who "won't 
detain you a minute" to hold you by the 
button-hole for more than an hour. 

It is a common thing for an undergraduate 
to discover after a wine-party that he has 
taken too much coffee. 

It is a common thing upon one's entrance 
into what are advertised as " quiet lodgings," 
to find them tenanted already by a troop 
of squalling children and an amateur cornopean. 



What Shall we Have for Dinner ? 

IN answer to the above question, a Railway 
Porter says : " It depends a great deal upon 
what you can conveniently get out of the 
hampers, and also what particular game and 
fish happen to be in season. For instance, at 
this time of the year, (he modestly observes) 
a turbot, a few smelts, a small leg of Dartmoor 
mutton, a partridge, and a couple of teal, with 
a pine-apple, make a nice little dinner, that a 
Railway Director need not be ashamed of." 



REAL BENEFACTORS OP THE CHURCH. 

PUSEYITES, Newmanites, Liddellites, Oxford 
Tractarians, and all other Papists in disguise, 
who leave the Church, and carry themselves 
and their Roman doctrines over to Rome as 
soon as possible. 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 12, 1856. 




Fishmonger's Boy. "Master says you may repeat hit Advertisement, if you'll 
lake it out in oysters, as you did before." 
Publisher. " Very mil." 



LOOSE THOUGHTS. 

BY A FAST MAN. 

WHEN the maiden aunt comes in at the door, it is time 
for the cigar to fly out of the window. 

We all have our troubles. _But I doubt if anything 
be half so annoying as, when giving your address to a tailor 
whom you have never before done business with, acci- 
dentally letting a ticket from your pawnbroker drop out 
of your card-case. 

The pursuit of knockers is sometimes under difliculties. 
But few things perhaps more completely damp one's ardour 
for it than the emptying of a water-jug from the first-floor 
window. 

In my dealings with "knowing cards" I have found 
them pretty generally turn up knaves. 

It is a waste of breath disputing with a cabman. The 
only reasoning to use with him is a. knock-down argu- 
ment. 

Every rose lias its thorn. I never helped to shawl the 
flower of a ball-room without being convinced, by painiul 
evidence, that she had a pin about her. 

The reflective mind may derive considerable entertain- 
ment from the train of thought induced by directing 
agriculturists from the Cattle-Show in Baker Street to pro- 
i ceed, via Charing Cross and Holborn to the Great Western 
Railway : or by showing a May-Meetingite the back pas- 
sage to the Cider Cellars as being a short cut into Exeter 
Hall. 

1 have learnt by experience, that when one's head splits 
in the morning the hest thing is to soda it. 

Crossing-sweepers may talk of the difficulties of life ; 
but, to my mind, there is nothing half so hard in it as to 
walk straight home to your rooms after a wine-party, and 
having found your latchkey, to ascertain, without dropping 
it, the whereabouts of the keyhole. 

When a man intends to make a night of it, he will do 
well to leave his card-case behind him. The name of 
" SMITH " covers a multitude of sprees, and his address 
will be shown by his skill in concealing it. 

Finally, my friend, there is folly in procrastination. 
Therefore, never put off till to-morrow the tradesman who 
can be done to-day. 



HO MISTAKE ABOUT SHOOTING A PHEASANT. 

A TENDENCY to sympathise with offenders against the majesty of the 
law is lamentably prevalent. Witness the deplorable and disgraceful 
fact recorded in the following extract from the South Eastern. Gazette -. 

" THK CASK OP HF.XRY HOYLK. A penny subscription lias been entered into at the 
Prince of Orange, Canterbury, for the purpose of releasing HBNUY HOYLK, who was 
sentenced to a month's hard labour on a charge of poaching, at the Win"haui oettv 
MMio, on Thursday last." 



The penny subscription for the release of HOYLE, is simply a con- 
spiracy for the purpose of defeating the ends, not only of justice, but 
of justices of the peace: those ends of course including, in the pre- 
servation of morals, the preservation of game. The justices in question 
are enumerated in the further paragraph following: 

"PiTTT SESSIOXB. TmmsDiy. (Hefore M. DKLI, F.SIJ., chairman, SIB Bitnnn 
BBIDOF.B, BART.. M. H. U'AKTII, E. C. H. WM.KIK, U. GIJTS, W. O. HAMHONU J 1' 
PLCMPTBE, and W. O. UAMMUXU, JL-K., EbQBS.)" 

These English Country Gentlemen, County Magistrates, men of 
station and influence in their county, were assembled in solemn session 
to adjudicate on a case of slaying, second, in the view of many of the 
brightest ornaments of the Unpaid Bench, to no crime short of the 
wilful destruction of human life. The enormity is thus stated by our 
South Eastern contemporary : 

"A DEAB I'HEASAXT TO IIIK CMI-XTY. Huxnv ITovnt, a foolish-looking youth, 
about 18 years of age, was chariiei! with unlawtully killing a pheasant, on the estate of 
EuWiun Ki< i:, E-,.. M.I'., on the 2blh ult." 

Let it be clearly understood that in the word nheasant, in the fore- 
going extract, t.| JC re is no typographical error. The letter h is not a 
superfluity. It was no fellow-clown that perished by the hand of 
KOYLE. No ; it was a veritable pheasant a cock-pheasant and there 
is every reason to believe that the miserable bumpkin would as readily 
have killed a hen. The detection of the culprit was effected by the 
resolute retainer of a British squire. We continue.to cite the authority 
above quoted. 

" A wcodreeve in the Pfrvirf: <>f Mn.RicK stated, that about a quarter past two o'clock 
on Wednesday w-k ho was in Mount Pleasant wood, Tilnianstime, when he heard the 
report of a gun. He*' :. nnd saw the defendant with a gun lo his hand, 

landing on a foolpath on ME. HAEVEY'S land, which joined ME. KICK'S. Witness 



asked, what he had been shooting, and the defendant said ' rooks.' Next morning 
witness went to the cover, exactly opposite to where he saw the defendant the previous 
day, and there, within tea rods of the footpath, he found a cock pheasant, nut bid ia 
any way." 

Thus far, perhaps, strong as was the presumption against the prisoner, 
there was no positive legal proof of his guilt. But the voluntary con- 
fession of the wretcli supplied the certainty which not only the vigilance 
but also the address and sagacity of the woodreeve were unable to 
obtain : 

" Witness hid himself up by the bird, and the defendant passed the place about 11 
and 3 o'clock, but neither time did lie intei fere with the pheasant. Witness then got 
out of his hiding-place, and atked the defendant what he shot at the day before 1 He 
replied ' The rooks.' Witness said, ' No, but this bird' (at the same time holdin" up 
the pbeasaut). Defendant then admitted that he did shoot at the pheasants, but it was 
only 'to scare them a*ay.' The defendant was employed as 'rook boy' by ME 
HABVKY. lie was on his master's laud, and the pheasant was on MB. BICE'S." 

Another witness substantiated if corroboration could be requisite 
m such a case the testimony of the keeper to the delinquent's self- 
conviction : 

" THOMAS DAWKTXS, also in MB. RICK'S employ, heard the defendant tell the former 
witness that he only shot at tlw pueasaut to frighten it away, and said he was very 
sorry for what he had done. The boy cried very mucb, aud said it was the lirst time 
he had ever shot at the pheasants." 

But if any doubt on the subject could possibly exist, the offender 
explicitly, with his own mouth, aflirmed his guilt there and then. 

" Defendant. I was sent there to keep things off the land, and I shot at the birds to 
frighten them, but not to kill them. 1 shot it with a stone. I had orders to shoot 
everything off the wheat." 

Of course the penetration of English Justices of the Peace was too 
profound to be deluded by the affectation of rusticity and loutishness 
remarkable on the part of the criminal : 

" SIR BROOK Bmner.s. But your master only told you to shoot rooks. 

" Defendant. Yes, Imt ihiT is a terrible many of them other birds, and I thought I 
was to drive away all bird I found went on to the land. 

The Magistrates then consulted together for a few moments, when 

" The Chairman (addressing the defendant) said the Magistrates had decided on 
fining him 1 and 17s. Gd. costs, or one month's hard labour." 

Indeed, a feeling as near to derisive indignation as the decorum 
of the awful tribunal of the Sessions vulgarly named Petty, could 



JANUARY 12, 1856.] 



CH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



19 



permit, appears to have been evinced by the Bench towards the 
malefactor : 

" Defendant. I have no money but what I work for. 

"SiR B. BRIDGES. Then that will be a very good warning to yon. 

" Defendant. Will you allow me a little time to pay the money in ? 

" The Chairman. No, we will not allow you any time ; if you can't pay it now, you 
must go to prison at once. 

"ME. H.D'AETH. Take this as a caution. Your father and brother have all been 
at it, and if they have not been taken, they ought to have been. 

" Defendant. I have gt 10. ; will you tak that, Sir ? 

" The Chairman. No, that won't do ; you must go to prison. 

" The defendant was accordingly taken to St. Augustine's prison at Canterbury." 

MR. D'AETH'S observation is worthy of note. The facts alleged by 
him concerning the prisoner's father and brother were not proved in 
evidence. They were, however, in his mind, clearly material to the 
issue, whether the prisoner had or had not shot the pheasant wilfully. 
No doubt those facts contributed to determine the judgment of the 
Bench. Here we have an instance of the peculiar efficiency of 
summary jurisdiction of course exercised by unpaid magistrates 
over that of the ordinary criminal courts, in which a too technical 
judge would not have admitted MB. D'AETH'S evidence at all ; and if 
such evidence could have been admissible, would have required it to 
be delivered on oath before he would have allowed it to go to a jury. 



However, there was no need of any evidence as to intent. In cases 
of homicide the presumption is, that the act was murder, until the 
presumption is rebutted. Pheasant shooting (without leave) must, in 
like manner, be held to be poaching till proved otherwise. Such at 
least was doubtless the view of the law taken by MR. BELL and his 
brother magistrates. And who shall gainsay their decision P the 
decision of gentlemen like them gentlemen of intelligence and 
property, gentlemen who " have had losses " also losses of pheasants, 
no doubt, particularly. 

Deservedly, therefore, was the wretch HOYLE punished ; consigned 
to the crank in the limbo of SAINT AUGUSTINE ; and the attempt to 
subscribe him out of it is a gross and scandalous act of conspiracy and 
rebellion against the worshipful authorities. 

In concluding the remarks, we have felt called upon to make on this 
shocking case, we may advert to the circumstance, that no post-mortem 
was ordered of the pheasant's body to ascertain whether it had been 
destroyed by a stone, as stated by the prisoner, or by shot. The inves- 
tigation would have been superfluous, and the magistrates cannot be 
too much praised for sparing the county a considerable addition to the 
cost of keeping HOYLE in prison a month, and perhaps of converting 
him into a still more expensive felon, in order to avenge the death of 
a gentleman's cock pheasant. 



A SCiAP FOR SPORTSMEN. 

TFTE present fre- 
quency of horrid 
and barbarous 
murders is a very 
shocking circum- 
stance. It appears 
to have a fearful 
tendency to habit- 
uate the public 
mind to acts at 
which the most 
savage nature 
might be expected 
to recoil. Every 
right-minded per- 
son must have been 
disgusted with the 
tone of levity and 
slang in which 
the Californian and 
Australian journals 
are continually re- 
lating the mutual 
outrages, shoot- 
ings, stabbings, and 
gougings, of the 
ruffians congre- 
gated at the dig- 
gings. From this 

offence, not only against taste, but against the moral sense, our English contem- 
poraries have been in general comparatively free ; but we are sorry to be obliged 
to notice an exception to this remark in the Carlisle Patriot, which narrates in quite 
a spirit of playfulness an act calculated to make well-constituted blood boil, and 
properly-organised ears tingle. It is not without, a degree of repugnance 
amounting nearly to horror, that we quote the following paragraph from its 
otherwise unobjectionable columns. 





That MB. ROBINSON should have" set his sheep-dog at the Fox was a natural, 
and would doubtless have proved a perfectly innocent proceeding. But what words 
can describe the conduct of the butcher, appropriately named STEEL, who 
deliberately and in cold blood shot the interesting creature dead ! Not such words, 
if anything like decency in language is to be maintained among us, as those 
employed by the Editor of the Carlisle Newspaper. To use the jocular designation 
of i'oxey in recounting the fate of the slaughtered victim, is as morally reprehensible 
as it is in a social sense erroneous to speak of the wretched vulpicide as "the last- 
named gentleman." _ 

How to Gain Prussia. 

LET our Ambassador to the Court of Berlin represent to his MAJESTY, 
seriously, at the proper hour after dinner, that the Allies comprehend France, 
England, Sardinia, and Turkey. The KING will then see, that Russia has arrayed 
against her no less than eight Powers. 

THE HEAVIEST PAPER-WEIGHT. The Duty on Paper. 



THE SQUADBON OF LOVE. 

Suggested by the List of Gunboat f announced as in preparation 
for the Baltic. 

COME, on with white gloves, and away let us haste 
To the Emperor's Ball and the Admiral's Feast, 
For surely some kind of a Fete or a treat 
Must be all that is meant by so charming a fleet. 

See, first come three Nymphs," who' are dancing the 

waters, 

There 's Doris, mamma of the fifty fair daughters, 
Ariadne, untwisting her mystical line, 
And next a Bacchante, all radiant with wine. 
Then Flowers follow on, in a lovely bouquet, 
Carnation and Crocus, Rose, Blossom, and May ; 
And see, the white berries, the pearls for a King, 
What kind of Salutes will that Mistletoe bring? 
And dear little Daisy comes next into view, 
And with her the FeWe^'glistening with dew. 

Then a flight of sweet Birds you behold on their 

way; 

The Bullfinch's whistle is boson's to-day. 
The Nightingale comes, with her gentle complaint, 
(Is it JENNY the singer, or FLORENCE the Saint ? ) 
The Goldfinch is jauntily perking his pate, 
And the Ringdove is cooing, and wanting her Mate ; 
While the Lapwing flits round in deceptive career, 
And lures you away from the nest she holds dear : 
And, lastly, the Robin though martial his suit, 
That Robin could never tell Bobbin to " shoot." 
Not lastly, O no ! For more splendour make room, 
For the Peacock appears in a glory of plume ; 
And what fluster of feathers is borne on the wind ? 
The Pheasant comes whirring and whirling behind. 
And, kept out of sight by the Pheasant's long tail, 
Comes scudding in silence the good little Quail. 

And now some more Ladies, so lovely and bright, 
Their harbinger who but the fairy, Delight. 
Julia! O Margaret! Caroline! O! 
And Louisa what names to set hearts in a glow. 
And there 's little Saucy no, don't call her Pert, 
And Tiny, and Pet, and that sad naughty "Flirt, 
And with them is Cheerful, whom all of us love ; 
And what 's this an olive-branchno, but a Dove. 

Do you'call this a fleet ? What a question to ask ! 
It 's a VKSTRIS procession a ballet a masque. 
We shall have what they said we must never look for 
A game at campaigning, a Rose-water war. 
The shot must be bonbons, of that you '11 be sure, 
And the shells must be all charged with parfait amour. 
But, I say wouldn't this he the best of all games 
If this Squadron of Love should set Cronstadt in flames. 
And the Birds and the Flowers and the Girls should 

achieve 

What Sea Monsters were forced unaccomplished to leave ? 
Let us hope it and this be the toast at each feast, 
May the Beauties make very short work with the 

Beast. ' 



20 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JAXCAKY 12, 1856. 








Highland Officer in the Crimea, according to the Semantic 
Ideas of Sentimental Young Ladies. 




Ditto, according to the Actual Fact. 



A SETTLEMENT FOR THE SUNDAY QUESTION. 

IF everybody could, consistently with the progress of the world and 
the welfare of society, employ the whole of every day in spiritual exer- 
cises and devout meditations, no doubt it would be a very good thing. 
This however, not being the case, it is very desirable that the relusal, 
at least, of observing Sunday as a day of secular rest and religious 
exercise, should be afforded to as many people as possible. 

That all persons should abstain wholly from work on Ihe bunday 
appears to be impossible. It seems not to be possible that the sump- 
tuous and festive classes should universally walk to Church on that 
day. Some inexplicable necessity in the nature of things obliges many 
of tbem to ride. Certain mysterious exigences of dietetic laws compel 
them to eat hot dinners, or at least to have their tables served with 
cold Sandwiches, or bread and cheese, cut on the previous day, will 
7iot suffice their bodily requirements. Hence, they stand in absolute 
need of the services of coachmen, footmen, cooks, and other servants ; 
wherefore the labour of these domestics on Sunday is unfortunately 
indispensable. 

It can hardly be considered unreasonable, to suppose that to the 
straitened and industrious classes relaxation and amusement are as 
.: on Sunday, as reeling viands, savoury sauces, and vehicular 
conveyance are to tl;e festive and sumptuous. If, therefore, the latter 
have a right to enjoy their carriages and culinary delights, the latter may 
not unfairly be presumed to be entitled to their rruseums, picture- 
galleries, wild beasts, and Crystal Palaces; their salubrious excursions 
also into the country. Hence the employment of railway and steam- 
ebple, policemen, guards, and attendants, to a certain extent, 
on Sun i on their account likewise, be inevitable. Inasmuch, 

too, as they require to eat and drink in their way, as well as the others, 
they must have publicans and waiters to attend to them, in default of 
butlers, footmen, cooks, and other domestic nan-servants, and maid- 
Under these circumstances, in order to induce them to divide the 
1 whole of Sum!;, attendance at Church and pious musings and 

feasible plan is to diminish as much as may be 
practical/ lily and mental cravings which occasion them to 

I devote that day to other purposes. 

The general 'establishment of a Saturday's half-holiday has been pro- 
! posed to that desirable end, and offers apparently the most promising 
1 means of effecting it. 

The involuntary abuse of Sunday is, by existing arrangements, an 

entailed in a very peculiar manner on common law and law 

stationers' Clerks. Those arrangements rest mainly with tne Judges. 



Their Lordships on Saturday are accustomed to keep late hours. They 
persist in this practice from a laudable anxiety to give the public as 
much time as they can for the public's money. Accordingly, the public 
have only to satisfy the scruples of their Lordships on this score, to 
secure lor the Clerks the Saturday's half-holiday, and the consequent 
option of the desecration or observance of the Sunday. The desecration 
of it is compulsory upon most of them noyv. 

The Law, personified in its chief officers, is manifestly the body 
pre-eminently called upon to set, the example of providing for the due 
observance o"f the day of rest. If the Judges would shut up shop at a 
reasonable hour say, two o'clock on Saturdays, the wholesale and 
other leading houses of commerce would soon follow their example ; 
then work generally would close, and wages be paid early on the same 
day and the Clergy co-operating towards the desired effect by insuring 
well-ordered services, good sacred music, and judicious and earnest 
sermons, we should have, not only the Churches filled with Clerks and 
Shopmen, but also large numbers of those persons turned away at the 
doors, and obliged to avail themselves of open-air preaching and ser- 
vices, pending the supply of the deman'd which, in the case put, would 
be created for enlarged Church-accomniodatioa. 



A REALLY RUM START. 

'TiiE Telegraph announced the other day, that the Belgique, a new 
steamer, had been detained at Southampton, in consequence of the 
.discovery that "the tubes of two of her boilers had started." The 
i circumstance seems to promise wonderfully for the speed of the vessel, 
and we are only surprised that the owners did not call attention to the 
remarkable fact, that so great is the aptitude of all the parts of the 
steamer for going a-head, that two of the tubes of the boiler actually 
start od of themselves, before the ship herself was ready for starting. 
We hope the refractory tubes were safely brought back to their proper 
position, and we quite concur in the propriety of delaying the departure 
of i he Belyiqiie ; for when she does start, we think that, instead of the 
tubes t-tarting in advance, it would be much better for all the different 
paits cf the ship to start at the same time, and keep together. 



Insane Query. 

A CORRESPONDENT, who, if he had any regard for the fitness of 
things, would have dated from Bedlam, asks us, " Why is a razor- 
j strop in full canonicals like a bottled boot-jack?" To plagiarise 
I HANSARD, we " pause for a reply." 



br WillUm BrxUmrjr, of No. 1J, Uppr Woburn Plate, <id FreJerick Mullen Eai.. of No. l",Qa-n'a *owi Wnn, Hcgat'i Park, both In the Parish of St. Pancra-, In the County of Middlesex. 
Printers, at itieir Office in LombuM Street, la the Free uit cf Whitetriars, in the City of Ljttd0n, aid Pub.isaed. 07 them at No. s&. Heet Street, la the Parish oi St. Bride, la the City of 
LeaJoa. SATUKDIT, Junuar; U, IS'jG. 



JANUARY 19, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 




AN APPEAL TO AN UNCLE. 

TELL we, CLICQUOT, how came you so ? Oh, too, too strong October ! 
Let all of us from CLICQUOT thus appeal to CLICQUOT sober ; 
From CLICQUOT queer, hetnused in beer, no better than a gander, 
To CLICQUOT bright ; his head all right concerning ALEXANDER. 

Not PHILIP'S son, of Macedon, whose case they quote to fright us 
From gin and ale, in that old rale about his killing CLITCJS. 
We mean him not, to every sot though he affords a warning ; 
And yet they don't say he was wont to tipple of a morning. 

O.AR ALEXANDER he's the man the EMPEROR or RUSSIA 
YpuEg ROJIAXOIT the nephew of the glorious KING or PRUSSIA ; 
If you can hear, that kinsman dear, save, CLICQUOT, save from ruin, 
With the Allies, if you are wise, speak out to nephew Bruin. 

Steep not your soul in liquor's bowl, nor cloud your wits with guzzle ; 
Tell that young Bear that he must wear a reasonable muzzle- 
When he shall see that you and we for his restraint are banded, 
Then will he feel that he must deal with Europe single-handed. 

IHs truest friend, you may depend, you'll prove by thus outspeaking, 
Not standing still, behaving ill, and playing false, and sneaking ; 
Then will his pride be satisfied, contented with retreating, 
Having to fight superior might, and cock-sure of a beating. 

Think what bloodshed upon your head, KING CLICQUOT, rests already, 
It had been spared, had you but dared, to be resolved and steady. 
More blood will flow, unless you show more firm determination ; 
But you may, Sire, stay sword and fire, and wrack, aud devastation. 

Shall heroes slain, the battle plain, in larger heaps encumber ? 
SHARP SHOE-BLACK. " / say, BUI, what 's the last Letter lut me of the \ A , nd the wild-beast and vulture feast in yet a greater number ? 

\nrf oiripc ninv0 rohmh w< mnor ro^o \r\v trnnn 10 Wnr c Art Tint I.I 



Alphabet?" 
BILL. " }"." 
SHARP SHOE BLACK. "'Cot I want! to Jcnow, Stoopid." 



SENTIMENT IN THE SEWEKS. 

WE have' heard a very good account of the Chairman of the Central 
j Board of Works : and we were therefore rather disagreeably surprised 
at finding him " giving way to his feelings," at a meeting between MR. 
APSLEY PELLATT and his Constituents. Tiiis little affair came off a 
1 few days ago in the Borough, when MR. THWAITES presided, and began 
talking about paying " his last respects to his friend PELLATT ; " as if 
the meeting had been convened for the purpose of burying that 
suburban patriot. The funereal idea was still further carried out 
by the exclamation of MR, THWAITES, t.liit " he could not hut feel 
strong emotions on such an occasion." Now, although the Central 
Board may have got " the right man in the right place," as Chairman, 
we hope he will remember that the right feelings may be mani- 
fested in the wrong place; and that "strong emotions" are a sad 
interruption to business of any kind. It is unquestionably premature 
to perform the rites of political sepulture over MR. PELLATT before he 
is politically defunct; and we cannot helpthinkingt.bat MR. THWAITES 
mistook his own position for that of the Member for Southwark, who 
still remains a politician, though the Chairman of the Board of Works 
must cease to exist in that character. 

MR. THWAITES could only be paying a last tribute of respect to 
himself, if he was at all funereally disposed ; and he was, in fact, per- 
forming the part of chief mourner at his own political obsequies. If 
he must be sentimental on the subject, we trust he will get the thing 
over as fast as he can ; and go about, if he likes, for a week or so, 
earning his own pall, or decorated with a simple suit of funeral 
feathers ; so that, by getting it all over at once, his " last respects " may 
be literally the last with which he will allow his spirits to be 
burdened. 

If the new Chairman is going to mope over his past political life, and 
pine for the days when he might have talked political clap-trap by the 
hour or to calculate it as so much printer's type, by the yard. he will 
find his efficacy much impaired, and the expectations of the public 
much disappointed. We, however, hope better things of him, and we 
do not doubt that after his first gush of grief, and when he has enjoyed 
the luxury of a small barrel say four gallons and a half of tears, he 
will proceed to his important duties with all the freshness of a lark, 
and all the sparkle of a roseleaf that has been " washed, just washed, in 
a shower." 



More cities blaze, which we must raze, for such is War's condition, 
Unless, King, you do the thing that must compel submission? 

We pause for breath, the work of death, with all our means preparing 
Shall we proceed ? we shall indeed, unflinching and unsparing, 
If you refuse, as you may choose, to strengthen our Alliance, 
And still abet the CZAR to set our thunder at defiance. 



ATTACK UPON THE CROWN. 

THAT the Crown should have the privilege of rewarding letters, art, 
and science, is no doubt held to be the greatest jewel in the diadem : 
if the reward come but rarely, the fact, of course, enhances the value 
of the gem. Mr. Punch is, therefore, naturally indignant that any 
manifestation of benevolence, however small, towards literature in j 
penury, should be treated with levi'y, nay, with disrespect, by any j 
ungrateful and insolent member of the press. MR. JOSEPH HAYDN, | 
author of the Dictionary of Dates & familiar book, we believe, to all 
scholars : for has it not climbed its seventh edition ? has been 
graciously rewarded by the magnificence of the Crown with a pension of 
Is. 44^- per diem, which in the annual concrete amounts to 25. Well, 
our otherwise much-respected contemporary, the Sun, arraigns this muni- 
ficence ; it is not enough, forsooth ! And tor a mere author ! And what 
are the Sun's arguments? We must say, they are tainted with dis- 
affection and vulgarity. The Sun implies' that even " HERR RAUCHER, 
the keeper of H. R. H.'s cigar-case," might, in his old age, hope for as 
large a pension. And why not f As large and larger ? Are not cigars 
more valuable than books ? Is not the Havannah leaf more precious 
than any leaf of print ? Besides, tobacco-smoke is made easy to any 
head ; now it is otherwise with Dates. It would argue ill for the true 
dignity of the British Court, should a mere scholar in his claims be 
considered before the claims of a HERR RAUCHER, conservator of the 
" well-being of H. R. H.'s meerschaum ! " But the British Court, has 
not come to that yet ; nor is there much fear that it ever will. So the 
Sun may blaze as it will. As well hope to touch, MsMNON-like, the 
statue of QUEEN ANNE into morning music, as to awaken generous 
impulses in the House of Hanover towards art, or science, or letters. 



Next Spring in the Baltic. 



Do, PAPA, take me to St. STEPHEN'S, when 
Parliament Opens, to see the Pun between 
CHARLEY NAPIER and JIMMY GRAHAM. 



REWARD OF GOOD BEHAVIOUR. The EMPEROR ALEXANDER has 
is SE that the next command of the Baltic fleet will, in an promised FREDERICK WILLIAM, of Prussia, that if he only behaves 
especial manner, contradict the Russian sarcasm, touching asinine himself, he shall have, on his next birthday, a nice little " Inexhaustible 
leaders ot leonine heroes. Next spring, it is said, LYONS will lead lions. Bottle " full of nothing but the very best Champagne ! 



VOL. xxx. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 1856. 



ROSSINIANA. 




Hr-i French, Belgian, 
P . and German pa- 

' pers aie full of 

the sayings of 
ROSSINI. Since 
the " illustrious 
maestro" h;,s 
given up music, 
he has taken to 
composing jokes. 
Most of his ton- 
mots are in the 
Bouffe style. No- 
thing is too ex- 
traviigant for his 
humour, so long 
;.s he succeeds 
in making you 
laugh. We will 
endeavour from 

memory to reproduce a few of Ins most brilliant sayings, as they 
have been reproduced lately by HILLEB, LECOMTE, ESCUDLEB, and 
others : 

lie said of the celebrated MAIMJUISA Dl Z. that she had " a mind that changed as 
:en as a playbill ; what *tm promised to-day she rarely performed to-morrow." 
There was a petty German nobleman at Baden-Baden, who had kicked a beggar for 
to speak to him. " Do you know how that German upstart became such an 
it .- imimred K..SHNI. ' Why, he had a piece of soap given him by an 
shman when he was young, and, as soap is as great a rarity as a good tenor in 
lany, the luxury wa t.,o much for him ! The poor fool lias been proud ever since! " 
defines HBLI.IXI, HAI.F.VY, and WKBER as follows:" The first is natural, 
nd tl.e third supernatural." 

:md clever, but extremely conceded. The reason why he 
mutic " Wh LC couliu ' : ' s ' is for feal ' of ""'"S hl fing<" with other composer's 

i-i reason for not composing anything more, that the " musical market 

"done. M hat will you, when the Opera is turned into nothing better than 

Eich.nge- overrun with the notes of Jews?" alluding principally to 

SEEK and UALtvv, who, to his musical mind, are no better than organ-grinders 

" ?"i E " Bl ,'? h 8 to >e Opera to sleep-toe French to talk the Germaus to dream 
and the Italians to listen." Sossini. 

i said of a Belgian, who had more than his fair share of national ugliness, " If 
, the Ark, wa should not have had one of the Singe species left 
All the rnoukeys on board would have died of envy." 

. with whom he had been dining, was pressing him to favour the society with 
Keali > l.ii,,, i RoasiM, "You treat us poor musicians as if 

so many starved-out robins- jvn throw us a few crumbs from your table and 
then expect ua to perch on your winciow-sill, and begin singing ! " 

^ A " : i'''<y I'im a few specimens of his JIusic of the Future" N 

D0 ' ea *' > "ther enjoy the Music of the Present-it ' 

wroner. vcjii knnw in ; >nt;, ;.,.,* ri, *-,,.,,-., *,,.. ; j . 



THE MANCHESTER CHINAMEN. 

THE forces of His MAJESTY the EMPEROR OF CHINA were once 
accustomed to encounter His Majesty's enemies with shields whereon 
were carved and emblazoned monstrous faces, and with swords which 
they rattled fiercely upon those ugly shields. They may still be in the 
habit of charging their foes wi'.h these noisy accompaniments; but 
collision with British troops has probably taught them the inutility of 
bucklers employed as bugbears, and the wisdom of using 
solely for striking at antagonists, and not at all for striking mere 
terror into their minds at any rate in case of the antagonists being 
those said British troops. 

But, though His Majesty the Sovereign of the Celestial Empire 
may perhaps have ceased to rejoice in soldiers who fight his battles by 
means calculated only to frighten away crows, His Majesty the 
Autocrat of all the Russias an empire which may be regarded as 
the reverse of celestial has defenders in his service who do ba'tle for 
his cause after precisely that manner. Ever and anon MR. BRIGHT 
springs his rattle with a view to drive the Allies out of the Crimea; and 
now MR. COBDEN holds forth, on behalf of ALEXANDER, the mgis with 
the hag's visage on it, and clatters it with his parlour fire-irons to scare 
the Allies from advancing upon Holy Russia. 

When we say that BRIGHT and COBDEN are in ALEXANDER'S service, 
be it understood that we do not mean to assert that they are also in his 
pay. They serve him gratuitously, no doubt; but serve him they do, 
as.faithfully as if they were his best paid flunkeys. The speeches of B. 
and the pamphlet of C. circulated through Russia just at this time 
must |be worth oceans of raki. It has been erroneously said, that 
ALEXANDER has no friends. He has B. and C., with whom he may, 
geometrically speaking, be described as forming the triangle A. B. C., 
and this combination is the A. B. C. of the Manchester School. This 
is as plain as the letters themselves to the meanest capacity. 

However, B. and C. are befriending and serving A. only by the 
encouragement which they afford to his own subjects. As those 
Chinese champions failed to terrify the British troop?, so are these 
Russians unsuccessful in the endeavour to dismay the British public. 



A HEATED IMAGINATION. 



, ; , .< >. , ,. usc o te Present-it i 

"S.5"-"> rlie future. Besides, nun ctter Doctor, I can tell you I 

do not take the slightest p .Msiire in listening to Post-Obits." 

ooae'hat ,1n' UP i d , M " 9iMl ' ourna1 ' that tllo "K ht tne P u bli= like Strasbourg 
xe .hat coul 1 no be crammed too much ; ' I declare when you open that journal the 
fl'S" 1 o; darkens the atmosphere." 

Of a man, who was unusually tall, be observed ; " It was a fact he never went to hed 
- 1 ."-' coul ? " ot fi'" 1 !l ~ fr him-so he generally slept upright in the 

Jumn of the Place Veml6me-a,,d, in London, he would get a few minims' reTt by 
1 " e n l "' 3 " me f the Fi -E*Pa that happened to be 



Fwhionabe people dine-then have their fate-then their c;,.,-/_and after that 
a little music- by way, I in , U( ., (s _ lie assured of it the 

music is handed round as a kind oi 

- was saying, nne night behind the scenes at the Opera, that be had been to the 

.on which side of the bars t " asked ROSSINI 

Hio.it to take a filbert, when ROSSINI prevented him bysaylne- "No 
my dear i), MHz, wl,,,, a Tenor has a-nL't lik- v u. he cannot be too caref, 1 whit 1 e 

- .ick it. It was iu return for this that UUPBEZ consented to sing in Guillaume 

Id forth at St. Peter's, he went up to him and said " he 

a assatarf*"^ " v.,^%. % 

it ,astf ^&S^^^,!^%;gs*& ". * 

d^^^W^^^ 



A NEWSPAPER paragraph informs us of the fact or we ought perhaps 
to say the fiction, for we don't believe it that a man the other day 
committed suicide by swallowing a red hot poker. We suspect this is 
a variation on the old story arising out of the old worn-out trick of 
biting an inch off that popular fire-iron in a state of red heat, a process 
that must be familiar to every nursery. A man must be very tired 
indeed of life, and especially hard up for the means of getting rid of his 
burden, before he could sit down to deliberately eat the poker after 
having first deliberately hea'ed it. We are quite satisfied that the 
article would have stuck in his throat, and given sufficient time for any 
one present to have seized the tongs and drawn the red-hot poker out 
before the unhappy suicide could have found time to swallow it 
We are strongly inclined to believe, that if there has been any suicide 
m the case, it has been by drink ; and the constant gulping down of 
grog of the very hottest and stiffest description has suggested a red hot 
poker to the imagination of the writer of the paragraph. We are 
satisfied that nobody has ever forced anything of the sort down his 
throat, and we conless our own total inability to swallow it 



THE FRENCH ALLIANCE. 

As a proof of the friendship existing between the French and English 
Courts, we are proud to mention that all the pieces lately performed 
before the Court at Windsor were taken from i he French In fact ' it 
is more than probable that the compliment will be carried still further 
and that the next time the pieces, instead of being performed in vu^ 
b, will be interpreted in their original Fiench by the original 



Seal for the Senate of Sewers. 



.1. Jj UAVVM" l*M/U [11 I 11C11 UI JiijIJcll S. 

French actors expressly brought over from Paris. Aud in tr~uth"we~do 
not see any objection to this plan, for it would be not only hHiIv 
flattering to our neighbours, but would also effectually put at rest the 
disputed question as to the precise amount of benefit that the English 
Drama derives from the QUEEN'S patronage, as exhibited to a few 
been greatly puzzled to lavouretl actors before a few private friends at Windsor 



i'iv.7.i,ED for heraldry who could imagine it? 

K'jjalty oilers a Scavenger's plume 
Want a device why not take the PLANTAGENUT 

ftiuitaffmufa .- iu English the Broom '{ 

-. Coni-ANioN TO THE N E wsrApER."-The name of this same : 
nun mu.t be ]\APIKR ; for strangely enough, you rarely take ur> 
a :ve sniper without stumbling over one of the NAH 



Short, if not Sweet. 

A T'p iT "/I* ? " aud " What next ? " are the questions of SHODDY, 
And Punch begs to answer the petulant body 
tret, give his friend Russia a merciless hidino- 
And, next, kick a Sneak out of Yorkshire's West Riding. 

AOMCULIPBAL HINT TO GovERNMENT.-Cultivate your Swedes. 



JANUARY 19, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



23 



AN EASTERN COUNTIES LYRIC. 

(As sung at the various Stations on the Line.) 
" While History's Muse." MOORE. 

WHILE ibe vengeful Committee were 

savagely heaping 
Their stories of bankruptcy, jobbing, 

and tbieves, 
Beside them tbere linger'd the Officers, 

weeping, 
For black was the record that blotted 

the leaves. 
But O how the tear on their eyelids 

grew bright 

When DAVID made signal for stop- 
ping the game, 

A n d they grinn'd with delight 
As they saw him indite 
His "Answer," and sign it with 
WADDINGTON'S name. 

"Hail, DAVID our boy," cried the 

Officers, sparkling 
Like lottery investors who 'vc just 

drawn a prize, 

" The case did look dismal, and dole- 
ful, and darkling, 

But now you've upset the Com- 
mittee's sad lies. 
The shares that you number'd you 

righteously got, 

And then very wisely allotted the 
same, 

And, 0, there is not 
One dishonouring blot 
On the wreath that encircles our 
WADDINGTON'S name. 

"But personal charges are met and 

forgotten, 
Let feats rather more to the purpose 

be thine, 
Remove the split piles and the viaducts rotten, 

And lessen the danger of working the line. 
For woe to the day should a smash have occurr'd, 
And the public and press have burst out in a flame, 
And a jury be heard 
To affix a bad word, 
That begins with an " M. " to our WADDINGTON'S name." 




THE SPRING PARLIAMENTARY CAMPAIGN. 

FREDERICK PEEL rehearses every day, before a cheval-glass. BERNAL 
OSBORNE has nearly finished sharpening a splendid quatern of Jokes, 
which he intends introducing early in the session as " His Four Points." 
LORD PALMEHSTON has just returned from the East, whither be had 
been to see the morning performance of the pantomime at the City of 
London Theatre. HENRY DRUMMOND has a witticism on the stocks 
about the rise there wouW be in Swedes, supposing there was to be a 
Revolution in Sweden ; and MR. BROTIIERTON for the last month has 
been rigidly insisting upon having the doors closed, and seeing the 
House in bed regularly by twelve o'clock every night ! It is also 
with peculiar pleasure we state that MR. WILLIAMS has bought a 
copy of Lindky Murray! In these days of testimonials, such zeal 
as MR. WILLIAMS'S should not go unrewarded. 



PIETY AT A DISCOUNT. 

WE rather suspect that the market has been glutted lately with pious 
piece* of goods; and the result is, that the serious dodge is beginning 
to fail of its customary effect in obtaining good situations for serious 
hutk.-?, evangelical cooks, and low church kitchen-maids. The tables 
seem to be turned upon the canting candidates (or employment, who 
instead of commanding high wages, are now subjected to starvation 
, salaries, and the other evils of fierce competition. The following 
j advertisements evidently proceed from the same source, and they 
exhibit a determination to take advantage of the present depressed 
IconcU'ion of the piety-mongers, who Qnd the traffic in seriousness so 
thoroughly overdone, that they havs been compelled to resort to some 
other species of imposture for a livelihood. 

TO DISABLED PIOUS SOLDIERS. WANTED in a gentleman's 
*- school, a truly pious soldier, to act as HOUSE-DOOR and HALL POUTER, and 
as General Inspector. lie will receive only board and lodging, with livery, for his 
services. One who has lost a leg or an ami not objected to, as labour is not required, 
but principle. No smoker need apply. Address full particulars to A. B. C., Mr. 
OAKEV'S, publisher, Warwick Lane, City. 

TO TAILORESSES. WANTED, in an educational establishment, 
-L near town, a first-rate TAILORESS, to repair and occasionally tomake. She must 
bii from the country, pious and conscientious, and middle-aged. Salary, with board, 
18. No perquisites. Address full particulars to A. B. C., MB. OAKEY'S, publisher, 
Warwick Lane, City. 

We agree with HER MAJESTY and MR. CAIHD in appreciating the 
religion of every-day life ; but we must confess we doubt the sincerity 
of a demand for piety in a hall-porter, who will probably have to give 
all sorts of evasive answers, with every variety of " Not at home," 
when opening the door to unwelcome visitors. The real object of the 
advertiser seems to be economy ; and " piety " being rather down in the 
market, he probably hopes to get a hall-porter cheap, if he is tainted 
with cant. 

In order that the article may be obtained at the advertiser's very low 
price, mutilation is invited to compete for the vacant situation ; and the 
double disadvantage of hypocrisy and a wooden leg is not objected to 
by A. B. C., who is as plain as his initials imply ia the object he 
contemplates. 

" MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES." 

THE world, that is that part of the world best worthy of homage and 
consideration, have become tired of "giving and taking in marriage." 
They very properly refine upon the act, and therefore redeem it fp om 
the vulgarity into which it has lapsed by its familiar treatment. JOHN 
JENKINS is about to take MARY JONES for his wife, THOMAS BROWN 
intends to marry SUSAN SMITH, and this is all very well ; they are mere 
flesh of clay, and so may become flesh of flesh ; they are made of frame- 
work of mere bones, and may therefore be bone of one another's bone. 
It is otherwise, however, as we ascend the primrose way of May Fair. 
There it ceases to be mere vulgar marriage; the chain is so beau'ifully 
wreathed with flowers (never mind if they are artificial) that it never 
rattles. Does LORD GRATESWELL take the HON. Miss WASPAINT for 
his wife ? By no means. The fashionable world is never outraged by 
so rude, so vulgar an announcement of the coming event. The catas- 
trophe is thus delicately hinted: 

" We understand that LORD GRATESWELL, is about to form a matrimonial alliance 
with the HON. Miss WASPAINT." 

Were the parties engaged as partners at whist, the engagement 
could scarcely sound less ominous. A matrimonial alliance ! Why, 
the words do not sound like the marriage-tie ; but have a nobility, a 
slipperiness, that slides off like a running knot. And there is no doubt 
that the new phraseology is all to nothing the best. We think so wll 
of it, that, we are only anxious to improve it. Thus, wherefore should 
LORD GRATESWELL, introduce his wife as "LADY GHATESWELL?" 
Why, rather, should he not present her as "My Matrimonial Ally ?" 

By the way, are these alliances to be considered offensive or 
defensive ? Or both ? 



FINE SCHIEDAM. 
The Adelaide Times has the following paragraph : 

"A correspondent, whose word we have no reason to doubt, assures us that a quantity 
gin in which the body of a Dutch captain recently brought here, was preserved 
during a great part of a sea-voyage, has been sold out of bond and disposed of to the 
public as the very best Old Tom." 

Bat Old Tom is a synonym of Gin. Should not the spirit, to which 
the Dutch captain imparted body, rather have been called Hollands ? 

THE GREAT PEACE QUESTION AND ITS MOST OBVIOUS ANSWER. 

"WHAT NEXT? AND NEXT?" First, Next MR. COBDEN will be 
turned out of the West, Hiding; and Second Next Ma. BRIGHT will 
be turned out of Manchester. 



A Verse from " The Waterman." 

Tom Tuj by a GALLANT ADMIRAL. 

THEN farewell, my Lindley Murray, 

Johnson, Dilworth, Vyse, farewell ; 
Never more a Dictionary 

Shall your CHARLEY take to spell ! 

ROLEY, POLEY, GAMMON. 

No less than ten thousand Attorneys are s-aid to be a f , the present 
moment, on the Roil. It is, indeed, a marvel, when we consider that, 
although there is but one Roll, they all manage to get their Bread. 

THE French have blown up one of the grand Sebaatopol basins. 
What a pity that the criminal originators of the War were not then in 
their right place the Dock. 



24 



JTNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 19, 1856. 




SOLICITUDE. 

. " Now, PROMISE ME ONE THING, ADOI.PHTJS. You WOS'T GO FLYING OVER ANY HEDGES OR FIVE-BARRED GATES?" 






"WHAT NEXT?" 

RICHARD COBDEN who as bold as a brazen Lion told us, 

That to shatter the huge, ill-knit bulk of Russia to pieces, 

Would cost JOHN BULL no more trouble than it cost him, there to 

double, 

By the clenching of his fist, a foolscap sheet in creases ; 
Lo, at length he hath uncrumpled the foolscap he then rumpled, 
And upon it, or perhaps in it, a pamphlet he hath written, 
To demonstrate how that Russia, to the wall if we should push 

her, 

Is sure, for reasons given at length, to crumple up Great Britain. 
Considering which circumstance, Punch must repeat the text 
Of RICHAUD COBDEN'S pamphlet, by asking him " WHAT NEXT ? " 

RICHARD COBDEN, the political economist so critical, 

Who turn'd so often inside out Protection's famous reason, 

That^dependence of a nation upon foreign importation. 

In War would bring that nation very soon its bended knees on ; 

To show that his old reasoning is of such perfect seasoning, 

That its links won't break, not even if round about you twist 'em ; 

Now proves that Russ salvation 'gainst an enemy's invasion 

Is based, and firmly based too, on a Protective system. 

Considering which consequence, Punch must repeat the text 

Of RICHAKD COBDEN'S pamphlet, by asking him" WHAT NEXT ? " 

RICHARD COBDEN, who calls " gammon " all rev'rence save of Mammon 

And blazons *. d. on his cotton flag unfurl'd, 

With ''in hoc signo vincss" who taillionnaire.t holds Princes, 

And money the true sinews the life-blood cf the world. 

Since a man with money in his purse is frighten'd for his guineas, 

While a man with none can laugh though thieves the country 

scour ; 

Now contends that England's treasure of her weaknesses the measure 
And, per contra, that the poverty of Russia is her power- 
Considering which syllogism, Punch must repeat the text 
Of RICHARD COBDEN'S pamphlet, by asking him" WHAT NEXT ? " 



RICHARD COBDEN, platform bouncer, and passionate denouncer 

t Austrian oppression and Austrian intrigue 
RICHARD COBDEN, far-seen traveller, and popular unraveller 

Prussian short-sightedness in her commercial League, 
Contends that as the German the Allies cannot determine 
Lo join them by appeals to pride, or policy, or pelf; 
Therefore, Austria and Prussia are sure to tackle Russia 
Magnanimous, single-handed, if but left each to herself- 



Considering which"" sequitur," jWAmust ^peat" the '* ext 

*'s pamphlet, by asking him" WHAT NEXT P ' 



Of RICHARD COBDEN' 



RICHARD COBDEN, Free Trade's prophet, contentedlv can doff it 
Aside, and gravely argue, to prove 'twill be no loss for us 
1 hough in the North and East, Protection's great High-priest, 
Lay his left hand on the Sound and his right hand on the Bosphorus. 
Freedom s friend unmoved can mark the Russ vulture's shadow dark, 
Broaden slowly over Europe, from the White Sea to the Black, 
And when to clip her pinion, and forbid her more dominion 
England s voice cries sternly Forward "-RICHARD COBDEN dares 
cry 



All which consider'd, Punch drops RICHARD COBDEN and his text, 
And leaves to the West Riding to answer his " WHAT NBXT ? " 

An Entertainment that is on the Political Cards. 

f PUBLIC BREAKFAST is to be given at Manchester to MR. BRIGHT 

J Hnn W ^"'"M" 611 * P ens - The next entertainment in store for the 

Honourable Russian Gentleman will be something more than a break- 

-it will be, we prophecy, not less than "Tea and Turn out." 



" OH, YES ! IT IS THE SPELL." 

^, afflicted with the mania of letter-writing. 
sl !. ou H D ,ot ^0 it, for really upon reading over 
t0 CIT Out ' " 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 19, 1850. 




THE CELEBRATED NO-CONJUROR. 

The Wizard of the West Riding Performing the Great Extinguisher Trick. 



JANUARY 19, 1856.] 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



LAST PROCLAMATION. 



HE DUKE OP ARGYLL 
the terrible lord and mas- 
ter of the Isle of Tirree, 
an island at least twice 
as large as Lincoln's Inn 
Fields has been shaking 
the souls of his island 
subjects with the thun- 
der of a proclamation. 
He has forbidden the use 
of whiskey under the pain 
of dispossession of all 
lands and tenements. The 
islanders according to 
the insular historian "M. 
MARTIN, GENT.," were 
once upon a time rare 
boys for good ale, but 
that time is past. As 
WORDSWORTH says 

" It was a jolly place, bat 
now 'tis curst," 

ARGYLL 's coronet, like 



THE EFFECTS OF EATING HORSE-MEAT. 

(From Our Own Correspondent^) 

THERE is a Professor in Berlin who has been a hippophagist for the 
last ten years. About two months ago he woke up his wife in the 
middle of the night by neighing loudly. The wife expressed her sur- 
prise, and the surprise made the Professor laugh ; but such a laugh, it 
was a decided horse-laugh, that elicited a response from all the horses 
on a neighbouring cabstand ! In the afternoon, his wife had the 
greatest difficulty in getting him past a seed-shop, where a quantity of 
oats in the window was spread out for sale. Soon afterwards his hair 
(which is of a rich auburn) began to grow to a tremendous length, and 
to assume more and more the shape of a mane. His face, too, became 
covered with hair, and he gave great amusement to the little boys of 
Berlin by appearing one day in the streets with a pair of blinkers. 

Various other changes gradually came over him. He would start as 
if frightened at the crack of a whip the scream of a railway whistle 
would set him off galloping at full speed whilst the sound of a 
trumpet would make him prick up his ears and distend his nostrils in 
a most equine manner. It was noticed, also, that his ears of late had 
grown considerably longer, pointing upwards to some height above his 
head. One night he was missed, and after considerable search he was 
found stretched at full length upon the straw in the stable. When his 
poor wife approached him, he began rearing and plunging in such a 
violent manner that it was only by putting on the kicking-straps that 

I _ 1 .1 1. I __ J. i I. _ 1__. !ll /'Xi.l. __.__?__ J 1 



" LACHLAX MACQUABIE, Factor's Cleric. 



influence. In MARTIN'S days, the ale measure "was a third part 
larger than any he could observe in any other part of Scotland." The 
awful Duke has caused the subjoined notice to be affixed to the church- 
doors. As the EMPEROK or CHINA says" Read and tremble ! " 

" Notice is hereby given, that, after this date, no tenant paying under 30 of rent is 

to be allowed to use whiskey, or any other spirits, at weddings, balls, funerals, or any 

other gatherings ; and all offenders against the terms of this notice will be dispossessed 

of their lands at the next term. By order. 

'(Signed) 

"Island House, Nov. 16, 1855." 

It will, however, be seen that the DUKE OP ABGYLL has a sympa- 
thetic respect for the rights and privileges of property. Whiskey is 
forbidden to the poor small tenant of 30 per annum ; but is of course 
allowed to the tenant of thirty guineas: shillings make all the 
difference. 

It is further observable that, although the DUKE OF ARGYLL takes 
due note of weddings, balls, and funerals, he makes no mention of 
christenings. This is supposed to be an oversight on the part of his 
vigilant Grace. Every day, therefore, it is expected that an amended 
proclamation will appear, in which the Duke will not only regulate 
what is, and what is not to be done, at weddings and funeral^ ; but 
will also regulate the time of births, and the exact amount of infant 
population; that is, of course, in so far as applies to fathers and 
mothers being tenants "under 30 of rent." 



- 
a red star, rams baleful he could be kept in the least still. Other curious symptoms soon de- 

1C, it- a *' TTTOO i ihiwJ viiff 1 1 1 1 TT II I 1 ri.li 1 i i 



'DATE OBOLUM"-POR A DATE. 



clared thtmselves. He could not be induced to keep on his boots; 
and as it was found very uncomfortable to allow him to run about the 
drawing-room barefooted, he was removed, and permitted to indulge in 
his eccentricities only out of the house. He would spend whole after- 
noons in the different stable-yards ; his favourite associates were ostlers 
and omnibus-conductors ; his favourite haunts the offices of the eilwa- 
ffeia and the most fashionable beer-houses. Nothing pleased him so 
much as to sleep in a stall. 

After awhile Ms feet began to harden, and it was observed that a 
hard substance, not unlike a horse's hoof, was forming over them. The 
same peculiarity became soon observable on his hands. From this time 
forth he refused to walk upright ; and one frosty morning he was found 
on all fours outside a farrier's shop, stretching out one of his feet, as if I 
he were anxious to be shod. Since that period he has been put under ' 
the. care of a veterinary surgeon, who gives but faint hopes of his 
recovery. " His face " (he observes in a Memoir written on the subject) 
"is growing longer every month. The nose has fallen into a straight 
line with the forehead the nostrils have expanded to an inordinate 
size, and the mouth has stretched itself to more than three times its 
former width. There is but little doubt that in time all trace of the 
' human face divine ' will be completely obliterated, and that the 
melancholy patient will be walking about a pitiable object with a 
veritable horse's head on his shoulders ! At present his only delight is 
having a bit put into his mouth." 

Whether the transformation will proceed farther, it is impossible to 
say. One fact, however, is pretty certain for all the most learned 
philosophers of Berlin are unanimous upon the point that this singular 
absorption of the man in the animal is entirely owirJg to the practice, 



.... , - - .. . - - _ _ W*/JV/H/U*V/li V^i Hl\> U(*U All MWI EMftMMCH 4"J VWVJkLVSJ V/ T l~Ug Wl tfUVs WlWMW 

MAGNIFICENT (as usual where literature is concerned) has been the persevered in for so many years, of eating nothing but horse's-flesh 

last act of Court liberality. A pension of 25 per ani-urn has been i The Professor has been a Mppophage to that extent, that at last he has 

granted to Ms. JOSEPH HAYDN, author of the invaluable Dictionary a li but become a horse himself ! The phenomenon has created the 

of all conceivable Dates. The sum will perhaps pay his stationer's greatest sensation in all the equestrian circles of the Prussian capital. 

lor the year we hope it is insufficient to pay his Income Tax. ; Horseflesh, in consequence, has fallen full 50 per cent. 

But if every editor of a Sunday Newspaper who has fudged an answer j 

to an imaginary correspondent a real HAYDN'S Creation out of the 



Dictionary, would contribute one farthing per fudge paragraph, Mi;. 
HAYDN might be spared literary labour for the rest of his life. And 
therefore, grateful to him for what he has already done, we hope, (not 



Clerical Testimonial. 

- , D . ^ ^ 1UOIV uuuc , M Ul>0 , V u . , A HANDSOMELY bound volume of Sermons, lithographed in imitation 

without reason) that the Sunday Editors will not manifest any such of manuscript, was yesterday presented to the HEV. MR. PARROT by his 
vulgar honesty. He will get no dates out of those palms. parishioners, as an improvement on the usual testimonial ol a silver teapot. 



" And Fools rush in," &c. 

THE Picture-Cleaners in the National Gallery profess to have been 
moved by a love of art in their very scrubby treatment of the paintings 
they have so cruelly scarified. Whoever looks at the effect of their 
work will at once see that the spoilers have not a colourable excuse to 
offer, and we cannot help saying (with a joke as barbarous as the con- 
duct of the barbarians themselves), that if they have used soap and 
water in a spirit of admiration, they had no right to carry that 
admiration to the point of wash-up. 



A QUESTION. 

THE Wizard of the Nprth advertises, as a new squib, PROFESSOB 
ANDERSON'S Interview with an Impudent Puppy. Is the Professor 
himself about to " hold the mirror up to nature ? " 



CONVERTIBLE TERMS. 



DESTITUTE SURREY. 



SINCE the mockery of the Maine Law, it is no longer said in America 
of a drunken man, that " He is in a shocking state of liquor;" but 
" He is in a frightful State of Maine." 



Do YOU SPEAK FRENCH ? M. THIEHS ought to be ashamed of him- 
self, if, on hearing that the Shah had taken Herat, he said, " Cesf ires 
MR. WYON has made it known to the Metropolitan Board of Works simple. C'est la Chat qui a pris le Rat." 
that the County of Surrey " has no armorial bearings." In this pre- 
dicament, could not MR. DRUMMOND, (as Member for the Western I THE VERY BSST GUN-TRICK. Changing " Old Brown BESS " into 
Division), spare his cap and bells ? a Minie Rifle. 



23 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[jANUAIiY 19, 1856. 




After all, Canal Fishing is a very exciting amusement; for, though yon 

never ly accident catch anything, you have to exercise gnat ingenuity to 

avoid being caught yourself. 



KING CLICQUOT'S TERMS OF PEACE. 



ADMINISTRATIVE REFORM. 

LAST night, a most important Meeting of the Administrative Reform 
Body was held at the Bottle of Smokf, Makebelieve St.reet. MR. 
FROTHAN took the chair: and briefly called the attention of the 
Meeting to the fact that Parliament ostensibly renewed its duties on 
the 31st inst. During the recess, administrative reformers had kept 
all their eyes npon the House of Commons; and the effect of such 
vigilance had been significantly shown even in the mildewed recesses of 
Downing Street. (Cheers.) 

MR. Buirraous must congratulate the Meeting and the country on 
the many triumphs obtained and no less obtained because achieved 
with tho most perfect tranquillity by Administrative Reform. For 
instance: what was the condition of CHARLES THE FIRST at Charing- 
Cross, when administrative reformers first took the field? SING 
CHARLES might be considered a national institution : nevertheless he 
was eaten-up with the King's-evil of verdigris. Again, the spurs of 
his Majesty were in a lamentable state of decay ; whilst a bridle was 
wholly wanting. What was the condition of the statue at the present 
moment ? A bran-new, beautiful pair of spurs had been affixed to the 
royal figure; and the long-desired bridle duly supplied. And did these 
things mean nothing ? Were they typical of nothing ? Let not their 
opponents think it. He (MB. B.) would tell them, that the new spurs 
denoted that Administrative Reform did not perm it Routine to go on in 
its old jog-trot way ; but, on the contrary, would compel it to mend 
its paces, to keep up with the pace of the people. (Cheers.) Did the 
bridle mean nothing, either ? Why, yes ; it meant that, when required, 
the aristocracy should be curbed, and brought up, and if necessary (not 
that he believed it would be necessary) thrown upon its haunches. 
(Loud Cheers.) To any carping, narrow-minded dissentient who ques- 
tioned the utility, the active beauty, he would say, of Administrative 
Reform, he would fearlessly point to KING CHARLES'S spurs, and KING 
CHARLES'S bridle. 

MR. LINSEYWOLSEY begged to call the attention of Administrative 
Reformers to the condition of QUEEN ANNE'S attire. Approaching 
Her Majesty up Ludgatc Hill, he thought her head-dress was susceptible 
of very great improvement. (The Hon. Gentleman, however, made no 
motion on the subject, and whereupon the matter dropped.) 

MR. PEEWITT had lately been in Cockspur Street ; and did not con- 
sider GEORGE THE THIRD'S pig-tail the right pig-tail in the right place; 



THE TRAVELS OP TRUTH. 



His MAJESTY KING CLICQUOT, in answer to an official application : he woul a therefore move, that it be referred to a Committee; which,' 
from the Office, 85, Fleet Street, for the proposal of terms for the ! beillg agreed tOj the Meeting in high spirits, broke up. 
conclusion of peace satisfactorily to all parties, has drawn out the fol- 
lowing articles : 

1. The Allies to evacuate the Crimea, leaving so much of Sebastopol 
as shall not, have been blown up in stalu quo. 

2. The Russians to evacuate Asia. 

3. The Black Sea to be declared half a Russian lake and half 'a 
Turkish, with a metaphysical line of distinction between the Turkish 
and Russian part. 

4. The construction of gun-boats and other armaments for the Baltic 
Fleet to be discontinued on the part of the Allies. 

5. The Russians to be at liberty to complete the fortifications of 
Cronstadt and St. Petersburg; but the French and English to be 
equally free to fortify Cherbourg and Portsmouth, London and Paris, 
Boulogne, Jersey, Guernsey, and the Is'e of Dogs. 

6. Prussia to be indemnified for the diminution in her export trade 
which will necessarily ensue on the cessation of the blockade of the 
Baltic. 

7. The mutual understanding amongst the Allies to be symbolised by ! 
a performance of the play of Antigone, with MENDELSSOHN'S music; 
the chorus to consist,_in equal proportions, of English, French, 



Sardinian*, and Turks. The part of Antigone to be assigned by lot to 
QUEEN VICTORIA or the EMPRESS EUGENIE ; and Louis NATOLEON 
and ALEXANDER to go the odd man for Creon. 

8. Pledges to be exchanged in champagne, beer, or any other liquor 
that shall be agreed on by tbe plenipotentiaries of the respective parties. 
The British Public to stand treat. The referee to participate. 

'J. Goes all round. 




THE RIGHT RUFFIANS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. 
A PROVINCIAL paper says : 

" Mtt. JUSTICE CBOHPTON was prevented from opening the last Maidstone Assizes with 



HE GRAND DUKE CONSTANTINE 
has thrown all the Naval De- 
partments of Russia into a state 
of consternation, by demanding 
of their functionaries reports 
that " shall contain the naked 
Truth, without any attempt to 
gloss over defects and misma- 
nagement." The naked Truth 
in Russia ! Has the man no 
sense of the frightful severity 
of the climate? How long, in 
such a latitude, can naked Truth 
be expected to survive the ex- 
posure ? Will not Truth, if 
sufficient strength remain to her, 
make for a milder atmosphere ? 
Who knows? In her despe- 
ration, she may fly towards 
Austria. Poor thing ! What there awaits the nakedness of Truth ? 
Why, no better covering than a petticoat of Concordat; a wretched, 
llimsy thing that all the winds of heaven hiss and whistle through. 
Perhaps, then, Truth will take to her heels, and fly to Prussia ; and 
there she will at least, find a refuge, a welcome, and a good wooden 
petticoat beside in a cask of Rhenish. In vino reritas and there it 
! s tha * KlNG CuCQUOT delights to honour her. But Russian Truth 



with SSnV 
" Sk ' D ' 



will 

punctuality, because the train In which the Q(iE K ' S judge travelled from Croydon was " c< "-"' u . "'iJJ- ^"ere Drum begins and Truth ends, wliere Truth COm- 
' shunted ' on Its route to make way for a special train conveying gentlemen of the ] men is anc * -Bruin IlHlsties, will, for many a long day J et, puzzle the 



prize-ring to a ight." 

We do not share in the indignation expressed by our contemporary 
at this arrangement. The place for " gentlemen of the prize-ring " is 
before one of the QUEEN'S Judges, and we heartily hope that in due 
course every one of the scoundrels will be found there. 



THE ESTERHAZY MISSION. VALENTINE has been sent to St. Peters- 
burgh, to see if " Of son is endowed with reason ? " 



Casuists. 



Very " Hollow " of Denmark. 



His Majesty of Denmark has made it known by proclamation to his 
loving subjects, that his morganatic marriage with the COUNTESS 
UANNER shall for ever remain left-handed ; a decree which clearly pre- 
vents the unfortunate wife from ever getting on the right side of her 
- husband. (Very mean of Denmark.) 



JANUARY 19, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



29 




THE PHILOSOPHY OF DANCING. 

E. FKANCIS MASON, author 
of a work on dancing and 
other exercises, which 
seems likely to afford in- 
formation to those whom 
it may concern, asserts 
that 

" It may be said of dancing, as 
batt been said of an exercise 
equally harmless, that the objec- 
tors to It are to be found only 
amongst those who have never 
been taught to dance." 

To (his dogma may be 
opposed the interjection 
of Fiddlestick ! or rather 
Broomstick ! for it is too 
sweeping. Persons who 
may have been taught 
dancing may object to it from the circumstance of being protuberant 
as to the stomach, or bandy-legged, or both ; since these personal 
defects are rendered more conspicuous by gallopading, waltzing, 
quadrilling, and polking. What object can be more pitiable than 
a fat cavalier seul? Dancing may contribute to harmless mirth; but 
the merriment is afforded at the fat dancing gentleman's expense. 

These remarks apply to gentkmen only ; for in the other sex enbon- 
point and unwieldmess are almost always objective ; seldom or never 
subjective. 

Man, naturally a philosopher, objects to dancing in the abstract. He 
does not dance per se, nor yet with his fellow -man. He dances only 
with a partner of the opposite sex. Thus he forms a partnership of 
limited liability, which may become unlimited, however, if he does not 
mind wbat he is about, and that is dancing simply, without ulterior 
views : although these may be judicious in some cases._ 
Another position of our author is also open to objection : 

" Man in a civilised state generally turns the feet outwards, as in an uncivilised stale 
they are almost invariably turned inwards." 

The position here insisted upon may be said to be the first position- 
It is not altogether tenable. Turning the feet inwards is an especial 
indication of the stable mind, the mind peculiarly conversant with 
horses. The intending bridegroom may be apt to turn his feet out, but 
the accomplished groom, pure and simple, is accustomed to turn 
them in. 



PRISON PEARLS AND PRISON SWINE. 

A NICE question in prison discipline is likely to arise out of a late 
regulation of the Surrey Magistrates in Council assembled. At a 
recent meeting of their worships 

" It having been reported that many of the prisoners so misconducted themselves in 
Chapel, during the responses, by blasphemous and obscene words, instead of the proper 
forms, the Court resolved that for the future the responses should not be given by the 
prisoners." 

Now, what is to be done with a rogue of Puseyite principles con- 
scientiously bent on obeying the Rubric ? Is he to be punished for 
uttering the responses, which he feels bound to speak out, and, very 
likely, to intone ? That will make a martyr of a convict, or a confessor 
rather, to speak by the canonical card. 

We do not know, at present', where SIR JOHN DEAN PAUL may be 
in bonds not for the faith, but for the breach of faith. He is liable 
to be sent over the water. If that water should be the River Thames, 
is SIR JOHN DEAN PAUL to be prevented from edifying his fellow- 
convicts and delighting the chaplain with his fervent and sonorous 
ejaculations? Is he to be limited to sotto voce and reverential 
grimace ? 

Would not the rational course on the part of their Surrey Worships 
have been, to render attendance at Chapel a privilege to the prisoners, 
accorded only to such as should seriously desire it and show themselves 
worthy of it ? Is not the scandalous conduct of the rascals and trulls, 
driven into Chapel to be prayed before and preached at, a practical 
break-down of that ecclesiastical drill-system dignified with the 
denomination of " spiritual instruction ? " 



Escape of a Criminal. 

MR. NARB. HUGHES D'AETH is mightily incensed with LORD 
LONDESBOROUGH, for having contributed to nullify the fine imposed by 
him and his brother Magistrates on HENHY HOYLE, by a donation 
of 5 to that poacher by misadventure. We hope that every such 
unfortunate poacher may obtain a similar reprieve from sentence of 
D'AETH. 



MERRILY DANCED THE QUAKER BRIGHT. 
Song for the Soiree given, ly Manchester to her Patriot Members. 

MERRILY danced the Quaker BRIGHT, 

And merrily danced that Quaker, 
When he heard that Kars was in hopeless plight, 

And MouKAViEi'F meant to take_ her. 
He said he knew it was wrong to fight, 

He 'd help nor Devil nor Baker, 
But-to see that the battle was going right, 

O ! merrily danced the Quaker. 

Merrily danced the Quaker BRIGHT, 

And merrily danced the Quaker, 
When the Generals lost the place that might 

Have been made another JEAN D'ACRE. 
He roar'd for joy to behold the sight, 

And his sides he shook like a Shaker; 
And merrily danced the Quaker BRIGHT, 

! merrily danced that Quaker ! 

Merrily danced the Quaker BRIGHT, 

And merrily danced the Quaker, 
When Kars was left without sup or bite, 

And her heroes had to forsake her. 
He dash'd his broadbrim down in delight, 

(To the great content of its maker), 
And merrily danced the Quaker BRIGHT, 

! merrily danced the Quaker. 



AN EARTHQUAKE IN HOLYWELL STREET. 

AT about a quarter to twelve last night, an earthquake swallowed 
those two lines of ancient, picturesque buildings, lying due east from 
the New Church, Strand, known as Holywell Street. Since the great 
earthquake at Lisbon, no shock has been so sudden, no devastation so 
complete. What, however, is the most surprising, as the most gratifying 
part of the catastrophe, is the fact, that no lives have been sacrificed. 
Several cradles have been swallowed, but not even one baby is missing. 

At ab9ut eleven o'clock, (he house of MR. SHABRACK (Mr. S. was 
supping in the bosom of his family), underwent a slight shaking, which 
the philosophical dealer in cast raiments attributed to the vibration 
caused by cabs and carriages. He, therefore, went on with his supper, 
and, in his own memorable words, "thought nothing about it." 

MR. ABEDNEGO distinctly saw several objects oscillate upon his shop 
walls and MR. MESHACK declares, that he heard a loud subterranean 
sound, as though all Houndsditch and the Minories putitogether were 
crying " Old Clo ! " Ere these respectable tradesmen could give the 
alarm had they intended to do so the catastrophe took place ; and 
what was, a few minutes before, Holywell Street, in all its picturesque 
and ancient beauty had sunk to the centre. That not a single soul was 
sacrificed may be considered as truly miraculous. 

Of course, the greatest consternation prevailed throughout the neigh- 
bourhood. The houseless Holy wellites, when they could be discovered 
from amidst the clouds of suffocating dust that arose on all sides, were 
received by the most respectable shopkeepers in the Strand, and, for 
the nonce, clothed and comforted. One venerable person seemed 
perfectly bewildered by the offer of clean linen ; and another, a dealer in 
the light pictorial literature that once coquettishly peeped from the 
Holywell Street window, made a most vigorous resistance (his brain, 
no doubt, overwrought by the calamity) when an attempt was made to 
wash him. A third, in the aberration of the moment, ate the piece of 
yellow soap offered him, in the belief that it was gingerbread. Much, 
however, is to be allowed for the consternation of the time. Too high 
praise cannot be given to many of the inhabitants of the southern side 
of the Strand ; they all vied with one another in proffers of assistance, 
and in the expression of sympathy for the houseless and destitute. 

Collections are to be made next Saturday at all the synagogues. 



We slop the press to announce, that the above suppljed by hitherto 
a most trustworthy correspondent and guinea-and-a-halt'-a-liner is an 
unprincipled fabrication. 

As yet Holywell Street has not been swallowed up by an earthquake. 
No : Holywell Street still stands, a proud monument of the vested 
rights of every sort of physical and moral filth and foulness. There the 
Fine Arts still flourish in their pruriency, defiant of the police ; and 
there dirt and darkness meet and make mortal compact. Holywell 
Street still exists and festers. The ulcer still remains at the back of 
the Strand ; with its fine shop-fronts. The abomination still reeks ; 
yet, it is said SIR BEXJAMIN HALL has a nose ! However, let us hope, 
that the imagined earthquake of our reporter, may be prophetic; let 
us hope that the underground rumblings of his fancy are but 
i as prefatory sounds issuing from the Metropolitan Board of Works. 



so 



prXCIT, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



19, 1856. 




Youny Snollcy. 
COVE!" 



CONSOLATION. 

' AH, JIM 1 NOBLI BIRTH MCST BE A GREAT ADVANTAGE TO A 



GOOD RIDDANCE OF BAD RUBBISH. 

AN auctioneer has just enjoyed the privilege of "knock- 
ing down a prison." That well-known, but by no means- 
favourite resort, the Borough Compt.er, has recently beea 
brought to the hammer, or, rather, the hammer lias been 
brought to it, and the whole has. been knocked down in a 
variety of lots to the highest bidders. We do not quite 
understand the motives of the various purchasers at this 
sale ; for we do not see what use can be made of a quantity 
of spikes, a parcel of iron bars, and a mass of miscellaneous 
prison properties. Perhaps to some people there would be 
a sort of excitement in fitting up a room as a prison, and 
undergoing a little voluntary incarceration, by way of 
giving a zest to liberty. That there must be some such 
feeling in existence, is proved by the fact stated in the 
report?, that "several persons took the opportunity of 
visiting the prison." We did not hear that some persons 
took the opportunity of getting out of the prison, which 
would have been in our eyes a far more sensible movement. 
We cannot think that much could have been realised by the 
sale ; for handcuffs are out of date, spikes are of no use to 
anybody not even excepting the owner and, as to fetters, 
they are not in demand even for dancing hornpipes on the 
stage, which is the last use we ever heard of their having; 
been put to. 



AN END TO BEGGING. 

(A Hint to SIB B. W CABDBX.) 

THERE would very soon be an end to begging, if the 
following penalties were strictly carried out : 

For the First Offence. A Fine of Five Shillings. 

For the Second. A Fine of Five Pounds. 

For the Third. Three Months' Imprisonment. 

The above punishments we would have fall, not on the 
beggar, but on tbe man who relieves the beggar ; for inas- 
much as he encourages begging, he is in truth the real 
beggar, and he should be punished accordingly. Two or 
three fines of Five Pounds, or one powerful infliction of 
Three Months' Imprisonment on any Old Lady in Fashion- 
able Life convicted of relieving a mendicant, and our word 
and circulation for it, there would soon be an Eud to Begging ! 



Jim (one of Katun's nobility). " H'M ! P'RAPS ! BUT EGAD! TEHSONAL BEAUTY SUM FOR MR. CoBDEN. How many Russian Steppes are- 



AIS'T A BAD SUBSTITUTE ! " 



equal in politics to one English League ? 



AN OFFICER OF THE " LINE." 

It ia rather a disagreeable sign of the times, that CALCKAFT, the 
Hangman, was compelled to postpone an execution, the other day, on 
account of what he was pleased to delicately call " a previous engage- 
ment." Society must be tainted by a great deal of crime, when we 
see the public hangman compelled to look carefully to his diary, lest 
he should find himself previously " engaged " on a day designed for the 
infliction of capital punishment. With a sort of instinctive politeness, 
CALCHAFT may, possibly, have offered an apology to the criminal whom 
he put off, in order that another might be "turned off" with due 
punctuality. 

We had hoped that CALCRAFT would have been the last of his race, 
and that he would have outlived that institutiou the gallows with 
which his name will be always associated ; but we are now beginning 
to fear that the fatal tree will demand some junior branch of the 
family tree of CALCRAFT, when the present head of the house shall 
have broken the thread in his case we should rather say tbe rope of 
his existence. If it should happen that CALCRAFT is the last of his 
line, a line to which so many have been attached we suspect it will 
be difficult to establish the hangmanship in any other family. Perhaps, 
however, he may have a few haiigers-on who will consent to continue 
the deadly dealings with the halter, which can always be made to 
supply a loop-hole for the conscience under the plea of public duty or 
private necessity. 

Thankful for Small Mercies. 

A " TURF-MAX" writing to the press, professes great indignation 
against a contemporary, who, discussing the Rugeley case, says he "could 
have found consolation had a couple of dozen of betting-men been got 
rid of." All we can say is, that knowing how many of these worthies 
infest the country, our contemporary is more easily comforted than we 
should be. 



FACT FOR THE PEACE SOCIETY. 

THE other day we heard a fine little boy, aged about three years,, 
who was running about the house with a tin sword in one hand and a 
toy rifle in the other, express his young idea of the present state of 
things, by thus singing, to the tune of Pop goes the Weasel 

" Up and down Sebastopol, 
In and out tbe ocean ; 
Every time a gun goes off, 
Down falls a Russian I " 

Rather another thing, this, than Let Dogs delight, my friends, isn't 
it? A better thing, too, just now, my calico friends. TYRT.-EUS for 
DR. WATTS at present ! if TYRTJEDS were wanted, which he happily 
is not. See, my peace-makers, what a spirit your peace-breakers ha\v 
excited among us, both old and young ; observe how young ! They 
have not only aroused the British Lion but the British Lion's cubs. 
Go on, friends ; praise, excuse, defend your peace-breakers, and blow 
up the fire which they have kindled, if it wants blowing, which now 
that babies are singing nursery rhymes about their slaughter and- 
destruction seems hardly necessary. 



A LITERARY TRIUMPH. 
SCENB Chambers somewhere in the Temple. 

Tom. I say, JIM, hand us down those two volumes of MACAUIAY'S 
Hutory nf England. 

Don't bother I'm looking for the backsammon-board. 
Tom. Well, you ignoramus, that's the very thing! 
,/(/. Why, it used to be HUME AND SMOLLETT ? 
Tom. Precisely ; but don't you know that HUME AND SMOLLETT are 
at date, and that MACAULAY is all the game now. That is why 1 



out of d 



vv,, .Mjli HUM, HJ.AV,AUliAI la till MIC gallic I1U\V. 1. llftl IS V 

have promoted the old trump to the backgammon board. It will 
do to be behind-hand in one's history ! Cut on (throwing.) Cinq- 



never 



FnnPdbTWillUnlBni'lbinT, of No. 13. Up|r Woburo Place. ID* Frijrriek MulMt Etlm, of No. 19, Oa'-u's H 

e ' t ' m * fn * M * """""" " thc cit7 Load ^ " d 



JANUARY 26, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



31 




HARD CASE. 



A. B. Seaman. " HERE "s A GO, BILL ! YER MIGHT KNOCK ME DOWN WITH THE 

BUTT-END OF A MUSKIT, i'llOST ! BLOW'D IF THE GAME AIN'T OVER, AND WE 

AIN'T HAD KO INNINGS ! " 



"PURE AND SIMPLE." 

Foxpraterea nihil Vox ! 

Launch your gun-boats, blast his docks ! 

Pur el simple pretty words, 

Deftly strewn to catch old birds ; 

SIMON " PUKE " is spreading lime on 

Twigs to trap a " SIMPLE" SIMON; 

Not so simple, MASTER PUKE, 

As to jump at such a lure. 

Fox prreterea nihil Vox ! 

Launch j our gun-boats, blast his docks ! 

Talk that's what he wants to do 
Let him talk, then, till all's blue. 
Let the humbug council meet, 
Bid each envoy take his seat, 
Let the tricksy game begin 
Where the honest never win, 
And where England ever loses 
What she gains with blows and bruises, 
Always victor with the sword, 
Always cheated at the Board. 

Talk but while the tricksters chatter, 
We go on to storm and batter ; 
Eye at sight-hole, touch on trigger, 
Push the War with doubled vigour ; 
Work the mortars, till the echo 
Startles ev'n bemuddled CLICQUOT, 
Till a blazing Cronstadt tells 
Tales of England's Feast of Shells ; 
Till on Kars the Moon once more 
1'loats beside the Tricolor. 

If, while Freedom's sword is flashing, 
And the tyrant's dens are crashing, 
He, in downright earnest terror, 
Sees, at length, his ghastly error ; 
Flings a truce-flag on the breeze, 
And himself upon his knees ; 
Then we'll talk of Terms and Basi?, 
And the Right Men in Right Places ; 
But the Trap last April set 
Won't seduce again, just yet; 
Voxpraterea nihil Fox 
Launch your gunboats, blast his docks ! 



PENNY-A-LINING IN FULL PLAY. 

THERE has recently been a perfect glut of matter for the penny-a- 
liners, who have been enabled to make a series of rather satisfactory 
meals by helping the public to sup full of horrors during the last 
fortnight. The " Poisoning Cases have been, of course, a delicious 
topic for the paragraph-mongers, who have been literally living upon 
poison for nearly a month, and who get a fresh dinner by every fresh 
discovery of a little arsenic. The taste of the penny-a-liners having 
been once tickled by the deadly mineral, they have been going about 
in all directions searching for poisons ; and, not satisfied with the cases 
actually in hand, they have been ransacking the graves of those who 
have been long dead, and endeavouring to grub up from their remains 
a few grains of arsenic out of which a dinner may be concocted. 
Everyone who has died suddenly within the last five years is pronounced 
to have been the victim of poison, and it is probable that, if the penny- 
a-liners had their way, the Secretary of State would be fully employed 
in signing orders for exhumation in all cases that would admit of a 
series of paragraphs. 

No sooner was the interest in the poisoning beginning to abate than 
the "gentlemen of the press" have had what they will call another 
"lucky hit" in the melancholy catastrophe at Bedford Row, which 
they are making the most of, as will be seen from the following 
paragraph : 

"The chambers of the deceased are not, as has been stated, within a few doors of 
Bedford Street, but re fully a street and EL half off. The upper apartments of the 
house appear not to have been tenanted, lor a board affixed outside announces that they 
are to let. Here again there has been a crowd of idlers assembled throughout the 
day, although there is nothing whatever to he seen, and the beadles of the district have 
bad some trouble in persuading people to ' move on. ' " 

It is not very important to the public to know the exact geographical 
position of the chambers of the deceased ; and though we may admire 
the scrupulous accuracy with which the reporter corrects an erroneous 
statement as to their being " within a few doors of Bedford Street," we 



cannot forget that the false statement was made by the reporters them- 
selves ; who, after getting a penny a line for saying whar. is not true, 
are paid another penny a Tine tor setting the public right again. 

The reader will be much struck by the graphic powers of the writer, 
who describes the appearance of " the upper apartments of the house," 
which he shrewdly imagines to have been iintenanted; an inference 
which has been acutely drawn by the keen-sighted observer, from the 
fact that, "a board affixed outside announces that they are to let." 
We wonder the writer did not go on to speculate on the possibility 
that the bill might have been allowed to remain in the window after 
the apartment had been taken. This would have given an opportunity 
for a few guesses at the terms on which the rooms might have been 
had, with a speculative glance at the fixtures, and a passing peep up 
the chimney ; all of which would have been admissible under the 
attractive heading of " further Particulars." 

Some readers will admire the boldness and candour with which the 
reporter admits, that " there is nothing whatever to be seen ; " and we 
can only wonder that where "there is nothing to be seen," there is so 
much to be written. The allusion to "the beadles of the district" 
gives to the concluding part of the report a degree of dignity, but uot 
much force ; for, if they " have had some trouble in persuading people 
to move on," the beadledom of the district must be in a condition of 
feebleness bordering on incapacity. We hope "the beadles of the 
district " will pluck up the courage to make the penny-a-liner himself 
"move on," -when he is next found pryiug about the premises. 



A Subject for Sculptors. 

A LETTER from Modena, in the Monitore Toscano states that Men. 
GAETANO BALUFFI, Archbishop of Imola, apostolic delegate, is charged 
with the execution of a bull. This may suggest to Italian sculptors a 
notion for a new Mithraic group, in which the execution of the bull 
shall be symbolised by the saciiGce of the animal so named, MR. 
BALUFFI in full canonicals operating as the pontifical carnifex. 



VOL. xxx. 



32 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 26, 1856. 



A GOOD BEGINNING. 




HE Timet has set 
the example of 
printing the ler- 
ters of epistolary 
Members pre- 
cisely as 



FKUIT OF A FAMILY PEAE-TEEE. 

SOME very serious and equally comical letters on the "Dignity of 
Baronets," nave of late appeared at intervals in the Morning Post. The 
writer is SIR R. BRODN ; an enthusiastic vindicator of the privileges 
of his order. This gentleman informs us, that he has been at great pains 
to enforce the claim of the elder sons of baronets to the title of knight 
during their fathers' lives ; having, before his own succession to the 



are written. This j baronetcy, asserted it, personally, in the face of the Home Minister of 
will doubtlessly j the day, the Attorney and Solicitor-General, and the College of Heralds, 
have a salutary by presenting himself as a knight at Court. 

tffect, as our lor this service, lie says that the associated baronets presented him 
legislative wise- with the "insignia of an Eques Auratus ; " which appear to have included 
acres, when they a " golden collar of SS." 

SIR R. BKOTJN calls this justly no doubt a splendid testimonial ; 



see their errors 
exposed, will not 
be so fond of 
writing long let- 
ters. However, 
we would not 



' which," he adds, 

" I hope may be an heir-loom in my family as long as has been that of the ' Colstoun 
Pear'; enchanted Nix centuries ago by my maternal ancestor, the Wizard BARON 
HUGH GJFFOBD, of Yester." 



In some future communication to the Post, it is to be hoped that 
have the expo- SIB R. BROUN will vouchsafe to throw a little necessary light on the 
sure stop here, rather dark and mysterious passage kst quoted ; which suggests several 
for we should queries. What kind of a Pear is that enchanted one of Colstoun? 
like to see the Having been " enchanted " six hundred years ago, the fact that it is 
Times and the ( s'ill in existence proves it to be a preserved Pear ; hut how preserved ? 
other morning j in syrup, or by sorcery ? Has the Pear been kept green all that 
papers, printing ; while by magic ? Or in what else consists the enchantedness to coin 
the speeches or a word of the Pear which SIB R. BBOUN keeps, as if it were the 
Hon. Members apple of his eye ? 

exactly as they are spoken. Put in undisguisedly all the "hems" The Wizard BARON HUGH GIFFORD appears to have been the 

and "has;" spare not a single " h" that was either superfluous original Wizard of the North; and if SIR R. BROUN can prove that 

or deficient; when a "u>" has usurped the place of a "v," or BARON GIFFORD really enchanted a Pear, he will utterly refute the 

vice veruf, record by all means the bold usurpation ; show no mercy to -'--- 

bad grammar, throw no kind of ornament over inelegant sentences; do 

not attempt, out of false kindness, to strengthen the weakness of any 

man's logic, and there will soon be an end to long speeches. Thus, 

when our Members are cured of the mania of letter-writing, and have 

been ridiculed out of the folly of speech-making, we may begin to have 

some little hope of the House of Commons. 



THE MILKMAN AT THE TEEASUEY. 

WE have been rather grieved at seeing, under the head of Bankruptcy, 
the case of a gentleman of an aristocratic family who has been dabbling 
in milk instead of being sati>fied with official cream, and who has com- 
bined the calling of a cow-keeper with a clerkship in the Treasury. 
We do not hold with the ridiculous doctrine, that a man in the service 
of the Government ought to " do nothing else,", that, his brains should 
cease to work whenever he leaves his official stool, that his leisure 
hours ought to be wastfd in a sort of intellectual stagnancy which 
would be enough to muddle the clearest head ; but we do consider 
milk below, and very much below, the attention of a clerk in the 
Treasury. 

A morning walk is desirable for every one who follows a sedentary oc- 
cupation, but a milk walk is not exactly the walk of life in which we expect 
to meet with a man of aristocratic binh and official position. We have 
no objection to the monotony of a life at the desk being varied by some 
more pleasant and even profitable employment; for we had rather hear 
that a Government clerk is turning his spare time, if he has any, to 
account, instead of dancing at Casinos, or dissipating his earnings in any 
other way I hat the advocates of the do-unth'ng-elsc system may suggest ; 
but we do protest against the combination of the milk business with 
an appointment in the Treasury. We are not surprised that the official 
milkman has found it impossible to serve his country and serve his 
customers with equal advantage. We have heard of a barrister who is 
said to have kept a public house, but even that arrangement may have 
been excused on the plea that it was all " practice at the bar ; " but a 
milkman at the Treasury might occasionally have disturbed .the office 
with one of those horrible cries supposed to signify "milk," but sound- 
ing like all the varieties of "Mieaux" which might have burst 
involuntarily from his lips, while his heart was in his private business, 
far away among the cows, the cans, and the cow-sheds. 



claim to that title which has been put forward by PBOFESSOB 
ANDEBSON. When a gentleman talks of possessing an enchanted Pear 
fix centuries old, people are apt to suspect that, whatever any ancestor 
of his may have been, he himself is probably not amenable to the 
charge of being a conjuror. Without pretending to that denomination 
ourselves, we, however, conjure our worthy Baronet, and champion of 
baronets, to expound his mystification touching the Pear and the 
Wizard ; as he values his collar of SS., and does not wish to have the 
initial letter of the alphabet prefixed to that double one. 



Thieves of the Russian Calendar. 

Two new Russian Saints, new at least to Western hagiologists, have 
turned up, ST. BORIS and ST. GLEB. The Muscovite Thief's literary 
advocate, !A' Surd, mentions a chaptl constructed under the invocation 
of these Uo worthies in the north of Innland somewhere in the six- 
teenth century. The sacred edifice appears to have been used by 
Russia as a cliapel nf case, or a locus stand*, for easing Sweden of her 
Finnish territory. BAF.AMAS and GKAB are probably the real names 
of which Boms and GLtu are corruptions. 



AN EXETER HALL CONCORDAT. 

THE kind support of all retailers of intoxicating liquors and pot-house 
keepers, especially those of the lowest description, is affectionately 
implored on behalf of a pious Association, which advertises itself as 
" formed for the accomplishment of the following definite objects : 

"1. That the attendance of regimental bands for amusement on the Lord's Day ia 
Kensington Gardens, or In garrison towns, or wherever else troops are stationed, may 
be discontinued. 

" 2. That the British Museum, the National Gallery, and other similar public esta- 
blishments, may not be opened during any part of the Lord's Day. And 

" 3. That no alteration may be made in the law which prevents the opening of. the 
Crystal Palace on that day." 

This lovely society appeals to the public at large, but more particu- 
larly to publicans, under the title of the "Metropolitan Committee for 
Promoting the Observance of the Lord's Day." " It embraces," we 
are told, " more than 200 Ministers and Laymen of all denominations." 
But they all come under the denomination Saint uncanonised Saint, 
of course. There is no "nimbus" about their heads far from them is 
all such popery. Their presiding Saint, in a spirituous sense, is BONI- 
FACE, but the EARL OF SHAFTESBUHY is their Chairman. 

Already they have published a long list of subscriptions, headed by 
the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, who contributes no less than twenty 
pounds towards the high moral object of silencing military drums and 
fifes, and preventing the band from playing in Kensington Gardens on 
a Sunday. No other prelate has followed his Grace's liberal example ; 
which, therefore, the landlords of public-houses are the more earnestly 
besought to imitate ; especially those gentlemen who occupy wine- 
vaults and gin-shops in the vicinity of Kensington. For it is impossible 
that anybody should stand listening to the music in Kensington Gar- 
dens, and simultaneously drinking at the bar ; since no human being 
can be in two places at once, in spite of the contrary doctrine main- 
tained by the idolatrous Church of Rome. 

It is unnecessary to state, that the office of the Committee is at 
ixeter Hall; where the smallest contributions will be thaukfully 
received. After having had to pay a compulsory double Income-Tax, 
and other taxes which are not optional, for the vain objects of Govern- 
ment, it must be felt quite refreshing to disburse a voluntary tribute 
in furtherance of the designs of a Society, which proposes to spend our 
money in circulating tracts and papers, in correspondence and 
advertising. 



JASUAEI 26, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



33 




THE NEW HOUSE OF LORDS. 

ow long will it take the ex- 
pp ist.ing race of hereditary legis- 
lators to die out? For it has 
evidently been determined that 
they shall. SIR JAMES PARKE 
is created BARON WMJSLEYDALE 
"for the term of his natural 
life." That is to say, his barony 
is to be like the "barren scep- 
tre" of MACBETH; "no son of 
his succeeding" to his title, in 
the somewhat improbable event 
of his having a son. As there 
are the best of reasons for 
making JUDGE PARKE a Peer, 
there can be no reason for barring 
his barely possible issue from 
succession, any more than for 
barring therefrom the issue, pos- 
sible or actual, of anybody else 
who may hereafter be elevated 
to the Peerage. It is fair, there- 
fore, to conclude, that hence 
forth all those who may be made Peers will become Members of the 
House of Lords for the term of their natural lives only. To be 
sure, in departing this life, it would seem that an individual of that 
august assembly must necessarily vacate his seat in it ; nor can any 
Peer well enjoy his peerage longer than for the term of his natural life. 
True, he may wear his coronet in his coffin ; but when a Peer is no 
more, of course he can be no more a Peer. 

But let that pass. His coronet will not necessarily be worn by his 
son ; that is the practical point. If the wisdom is in the wig, then also 
it is in the coronet ; then if BARON PARKE had a son, the son might 
rationally be allowed to succeed both to the paternal coronet and wig, 
and be not only a lord among lord*, but a law lord among law lords. 
If, however, the wisdom is entirely in the head, then the succession 
cannot be entailed by any patent of nobility, and can only become 
patent by acts and deeds, which after the precedent created in creating 
BARON PARKE a Peer, can form the only possible ground of pretension 
to a Peerage. As the hereditary Peers die out, their places will be 
filled by meritorious Peers, and these, rapidly increasing, will very soon 
snuff out the inconsiderable remainder of the others. The House of 
Lords will then constitute a real Aristocracy, or governing body, com- 
posed of the best men, of men who have done something to be proud 
of, and will no longer include a large proportion of individuals who 
pride themselves chiefly on never having haa anything to do. 



WILD SPORT IN THE EAST. 

AMONG other particulars of intelligence from the Crimea, the 
Morning Post mentions that several of our officers, who had gone out, 
shooting too far from the advanced posts, had been carried off in the 
plaiu of Baidar ; where 

" It was ascertained that detachments of Cossacks scnnr the plain to pounce on iso- 
lated officers and soldiers ; several of their principal ambuscades were also discovered, 
but their prudence was so great that it was not possible to surround one." 

The shooting, therefore, in the Crimea, appears to be better than it 
is commonly supposed to be. There is game in it more worth powder 
and shot than wild ducks, or even deer. Cossacks roam its fields and 
lurk in its covers. The pursuit of these creatures is attended with the 
excitement of danger as is also the chace of ferocious four-footed 
beasts, but that can only add additional zest to a sport which has for 
its object the destruction of monsters from the face of the earth. Ttie 
precaution, however, should be taken of forming a sufficiently large party 
of sportsmen, all of them good shots, when Cossacks are to be beaten for ; 
indeed, the battue system, so objectionable in ordinary shooting, is the 
best in this. The object in view is simply slaughter ; to exterminate, 
in the greatest possible numbers, a race of noisome, repulsive, odious, 
truculent brutes, turned loose by their Arch-Yahoo, tne CZAR, upon 
civilised mankind. Each one of them represents so much outrage, so 
much rapine, so much oppression, tyranny, and human misery at large, 
all saved by the shot that knocks him individually over, and terminates 
his mischievous and detestable existence. Cossack-shooting, in short, 
very much resembles tiger-hunting ; only, as a Cossack is a more per- 
nicious vermin than a tiger, more utility is combined with amusement 
in the former than in the latter sport. 



PERMANENT WAYS. 

IN the reports of Railway Accidents that somehow will creep into the 
papers (which reports, by the way, to keep at all pace with the facts 
should be as frequent as those ot squibs upon GUY FAWKES' day), we 
often see allusion to the " permanent way," which very commonly is 
found to be defective. Now, we have never been so fortunate as to be a 
Director, nor ever so unfortunate as to have become a Shareholder, and 
we have therefore had but small acquaintance with railway technicalities, 
and cannot say with any certainty to whiit " way " in particular the 
epithet "permanent" is meant to be applied. There are, however, 
to our certain knowledge, very many ways which it would appear are 
permanent in railroad management, and as each of these is more or 
less a fruitful source of accident, it is possible that in naming them 
we may hit upon the right, one. We are convinced, then, that none 
our inti-lligent readers (and of course every reader of Punch possesses 
ipso facto a title to that adjective), will dispute that there exists at 
pr esent upon almost all our railroads 

A Way of starting fast trains on the heels or wheels of slow : so 
that passengers who know the time-table have the excitement of calcu- 
1 lating the chances of collision, which they find pretty often becomes a 
| dead certainty. 

A Way of choosing for excursion trains that precise period when the 
line is fullest: and of then proving that "delays are dangerous" by 
detaining all the trains in front until they are run into. 

A Way of penny-wisdom in " reducing the expenses " by employing 
signalmen of the age of eight or nine, and amalgamating station-master, 
pointsman, ticket-clerk, and porter in the person of one much over- 
worked official, whose uncertain whereabouts is certain to result soon 
or late in an accident. 

A Way of sending off specials at the highest express speed, without 
letting the drivers know what is in front of them, or telegraphing to 
the trains which are on before to shunt ; the result of which arrange- 
ment is generally an Inquest, where it is always highly satisfactory to 
learn that " it appeared from the evidence, that not the slightest blame 
attached to any of the company's servants " (and, of course, no one 
ever thinks of blaming the impeccable Directors). 

A Way of managing the goods-traffic solely by the laws of eccentric 
motion : letting the trains start and stop themselves at any time that 
which seems the safest being usually excepted. 

A Way of postponing necessary repairs for the sake of selling as 
" old stores " the materials which have newly been provided for the 
purpose ; the effect of which judicious system is to get the line so out. 
of order that, however slow the trains may travel, the pace at which 
they go proves frequently a killing one. 

We are sure such ways as these have long been the means of injury 
to our .Railroads, as well as not infrequently to passengers who travel 
by them ; and so long as any ways like these are suffered to be perma- 
nent, there will be little chance, we fear, for us to see the end of the 
railway chapter of accidents. 



RUNNING COUNTER. With the strongly commercial views enter- 
tamed by MR. COBDEN, that gentleman must, of course, approve of the 
Russian counter propositions. 



TEETOTAL HUMANITY. 

ON the 18th ult., a schooner was wrecked at the mouth of the Tay ; 
a boy was washed overboard and perished, but the four other hands 
escaped, and, half dead with exhaustion, they crawled and staggered 
their way to an inn ; but it was eleven at night, and in Carnoustie 
the people are so wholly teetotal that they have no time to be 
humane. It was three hours, says the lonal paper, "ere these 
half-drowned, perishing strangers" received shelter and assistance. 
But, then, as rational creatures, what could they want? As Ma. 
GOUGII, the high-service orator, would spout, ll What could they 
require ? Drink ? Why, was there not good water, and plenty of it, 
where they came from ? " 



An Emperor's " Mission." 

THE EMPEHOR OF RUSSIA, according fo the avowal of his Minister 
NESSELRODE, now acknowledges his "Mission" to be that of the 
teacher and the civiliser of his semi-civilised people. NESSELKODE 
further added, that " His Majesty was only anxious to begin the work." 
Henceforth, the Russian Bear, like GOLDSMITH'S, is only to dance to 
the most genteelest of tunes. The EMPEROR, having laid down the 
trump of war, may follow out the old stage-direction : " Here he taketh 
up his fiddle, and fiddleth a little." The Bear, however, has no doubt 
to learn to retrace many very ugly steppes. 



A Plea for the System. 

How can people complain of the supposed baleful influence of the 
cold shade of the aristocracy, in repressing military talent, when it is 
notorious that, in the British Army, the merit of rank does not receive 
any more encouragement than that of file ? 



34 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 26, 1856. 




THE CROSSING-SWEEPER NUISANCE. 



To 



the Kir/hi Honourable the LORD PROTECTOR 
THWAITKS, n>ul the Parliament of Purifiers. 

2ffie 3Cutuf>fe Petition o^ ^aCker Stamp ofrottijtloy, 8^. 

SHEWETII, 

THAT your petitioner is a man of business, and that his place of 
business is in the Strand, while his private residence, or Quiver, which 
is quite as full of Arrows in frocks and frilled trotvsers as he desires, 
is at. a distance of about a mile aud a half from such place of business. 

That your petitioner walks to his work in the morning, and walks to 
his home in the evening. 

That in the course of each of such walks he has to go over Nineteen 
Crossings, wide or narrow. 

That at each of such Crossings is one crossing-sweeper, at least. 

That every morning as he goes to his work, and every evening as he 
returns from it, nearly every one of these Crossing-sweepers impor- 
tunes him for a pecuniary payment. 

That these exactions are made under various pretences, in various 
tones, and in various language. 

That at Crossing, No. 1, a decently-attired woman addresses your 
petitioner by the title of Your Honour, and requests him to please to 
remember the sweeper. 

That, at the Crossing, No. 2, your petitioner is assailed by a grinning 
boy, wit h an ejaculatory " Ah ! " and is implored to spare a copper for 
poor JACK, who has swep it, so nice. 

That at Crossing, No. 8, an elderly female, who makes it evident to 
your petitioner's olfactory sense that her tlejf/iaer has been a lafourchette, 
and has comprised onions and gin, confronts your petitioner, extends 
her hand, and makes it, impossible lor him to proceed without diverging. 

That at Crossing, No. 4, three small boys with naked legs surround 
your petitioner, and run along with him, clamouring for a Brown, and 
turning head over heels in the mud. 

That at Crossing, No. 5, a savage and unshorn man, of stalwart 
appearance, observes " Sweeper ! " in a sharp and indignant tone, which 
only makes your petitioner wrath, but which terrifies and cows some 
persons, especially females. 

That at Crossing, No. 6, a serious sweeper, of a sallow complexion, 
and in rusty black, looks up from a dirty hymn-book which he affects 



to be always reading, smiles sneakingly, and reminds your petitioner 
that, the labourer is worthy of his hire. 

That at Crossing, No. 7, another elderly female, from the sister isle, 
begins to whine out very loudly, and before your petitioner comes up, 
that the marnin 's mighty cowld, or mighty dirthy, or something else 
of a mighty character, according to circumstances. 

That at Crossing, No. 8, a Malay, or at all events a party with a 
brown face and grimy white turban, touches his forehead to your peti- 
tioner, and remarks Salaam aldikoom. 

That at Crossing, No. 9, a little girl, with a broom much taller than 
herself, usually states to your petitioner that her mother has that 
morning had an addition to her family, and that neither she nor any of 
her eight brothers and sisters have eaten anything for three days ; but 
sometimes she apprises your petitioner, that, on the preceding night her 
fattier has fallen off the Victoria Tower, and been killed. 

That at Crossing, No. 10, a fellow in an old militia coat and with 
ragged moustaches, states to your petitioner that he is a Crimean 
soldier, who was flogged and dismissed the army for protecting a female 
fiom the insults of his commanding officer. 

That at Crossing, No. 11, a man with two wooden legs (which he 
takes off, letting down his own legs, when he goes home,) begs your 
petitioner, by the title of Glorious Lordship, to have mercy on a old 
sailor what, has fought with RODNEY and NELSON. 

That at Crossing, No. 12, your petitioner is not much troubled, 
because two boys, who are partners therein, are usually fighting ; but 
if he is unfortunate enough to come up r.t a pacific interval, they beset 
him on each side, and follow him half-way down the next street. 

That at Crossing, No. 13, a rather pretty girl,!,with an extremely un 
washed face, makes complimentary reference to your petitioner's personal 
attractions, and, being pardonably unaware or culpably unmindful of 
the fact that your petitioner is a married man, adjures him for a trifle 
for the sake of his supposed sweetheart. 

That at Crossing, No. 14, a real or pretended cripple, of a very malig- 
nant aspect, hops after your petitioner on one crutch, with loud outcries 
for tribute. 

That at, Crossing, No. 15, there is a whole nest of little sweepers, five 
at least, chiefly girls, who all assail your petitioner at once ; and this 
being a long crossing, and the brats being most screamingly pertina- 
cious, your petitioner regards this as the great struggle of the journey. 

lhat at Crossing, No. 16, which is bounded by a public-house, the 



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JANUARY 26, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



37 



sweeper, an ex-omnibus cad, has usually a cluster of acquaintances 
lounging about, who occasionally jeer your petitioner, and tauntingly 
ask him, why he don't give the poor fellow the price of a pint. 

That at Crossing, No. 17, the widow of the beadle of a parish in 
which your petitioner once resided, has the road swept by boys whom 
she hires for the purpose, while she herself receives the alms of the 
public with an air of abject dejection, relieved by a look of angry sur- 
prise if nothing is given. 

That at CrossiBg, No. 18, the pathway is swept by the porter of a 
tradesman with whom your petitioner deals, and therefore no regular 
demand is made, txct pt at Christmas time, when the said porter manages 
to visit your petitioner's place of business. 

That at Crossing, No. 19, a very nice little child stands and begs, 
with a smile, for a halfpenny, which your petitioner would often gladly 
give, did he not know that it would merely be an addition to the fund 
out of which the child's parents discharge their spirit-merchant's 
matutinal and nocturnal demands. 

That either these persons have a right to demand your petitioner's 
money, or they have not. 

That if they have a right, your petitioner is bound to comply with 
such demand, in which case, going and returning, he must pay (omit- 
ting the tradesman's porter) eighteenpence a-day, which at six days in 
the week, makes nine shillings, and at fifty-two weeks in the year, four 
hundred and sixty-eight shillings, or 23 8*. Od., rather a considerable 
addition to the taxes he otherwise pays for keeping the streets in 
order. 

That if they have not a right, your petitioner ought not to be liable 
to their daily importunity, to the annoyance of refusing, and to the 
disagreeable feeling that he is availing himself of unpaid labour. 

That in the Act constituting your Lordship and your Parliament 
the guardians of the Metropolis, is a .clause expressly empowering you 
to deal with the Crossing-sweepers. 

That you had better do it ; 

Or Your Petitioner Kill have something to say to the other 
LORD PROTECTOR, 



institution originated and their children, both with regard to in- and 

out-door pensions, and education in the upper and lower schools.' 
Absurd, Sir \ Preposterous \ As if the Commissioners of the Dulwich 

Charity would give, not only themselves, but, by their example, all 
j other commissioners and trustees, the trouble of working out to the 

utmost the resources of the institution confided to their management. 

No, Sir, they will think twice before they create such a precedent. If 
, it were followed, there would be nothing but charity, charity, charity, 

everywhere, no distress to act as a wholesome warning to dissolute 
; people. Utopian, Sir \ 

" I admire the wind-up of MB. WEBSTER'S appeal : 

" Hoping for your good-will and word^towards ' the poor player' and his little ones.'' 

" Pray, Sir, what business has a poor player with little ones ? Will 
you please to inform 

" Your obedient Servant, 

" ANTI-RICHARD THE THIRD." 
" Grindstone Square, January, 1856." 



WHAT NEXT, WE WONDER P 

R. PUNCH, "A Let- 
ter from MR. BEN- 
JAMIN WEBSTER, of 
the Adelphi Theatre, 
has appeared in several 
of the Newspapers, 
and I have to say, Sir, 
that I protest against 
it, because it is likely 
to occasion many wor- 
thy gentlemen, some 
of whom are advanced 
in life, unnecessary 
trouble. In' that com- 
munication, MR. WEB- 
STER has thought 
proper to make the 
following proposal, 
which, Sirj I maintain, 
is highly inconvenient 
and unreasonable : 

' L, beg * 5? allowe(] i through tke medium of your influential columns, to suggest to 
the Chanty Commissioners for the Administration of Dulwich College a little charit- 
able consideration in their new and enlarged scheme for the members of the profession to 

St\merrJShvtt^L > k,^ 10nge '!Ll n '! w ] 10 l d ^ < *S 1 to its nd <ent the entire 

"'ear, with every possibility 




Sir, I say Charity Commissioners and Trustees, have quite enough 
to do m those times, to execute their strictly legal duties, without 
taking on themselves the burden of additional toil and responsibility 
which MR. A, or MR. B, or MR. C, or MR. W, Sir, may seek to 
impose upon them by impertinent suggestions. MR. WEBSTER goes 
on in the following words : 

"No other profession cither layer clerical, can, I believe, boast a similar instance i 
of charitable devotion in one person as this 'God's gift' of an actor- but hv 
oversight-for I cannot imagine^uch an acknowledged good mantouU! have desfgned^y 
l g thP Vhf-'f if' , W ; se and "i? ren f hi8l s a fortunate brethren of the mimic 
art-the chanty has only been available to the inhabitants of four parishes, removed 

om his sympathies and associations. Perhaps the player's calling was in a healthier 
condition tben, if we may judge by the fortunes acquired in following it 

No class of society can be more 1 iberal towards the distresses of others than actors 
have proved to be and no class would more sensibly feel the benefit of the extension 
of this chanty, which is now possible, to their wants." 

"What MR WEBSTER asks is, that no less than one-fourth of the 

new additions ' to be made to the ' actor's charity,' shall be devoted 

the needy and helpless members of that profession by which the 



THE METEOR IN THE SOUTH-WEST. 

ABOUT that "ere vire-ball, as veil t'other day, 
'Tis strange vor to hear wbat zum people do zay ; 
I zee un mj zelf, and accardun to view, 
A warn't vurder off, mun, nor I be vrom you. 

'Twas down at Zouthampton upon the say coast, 

And hard upon five, as 1 reckon, amost, 

I took un to be a gurt rocket at vust, 

But instead o' gwine uppards a shot down, and bust. 

Each feller I met, " Didst thee zee un P " did cry, 
"Zee what ?" " Why that zign as appear'd in the sky." 
To a viery sarpent zome liken'd the zight, 
And zome to the form of a swoord all a-light. 

Zome set to a cryun, they tells me, for fear, 
For my part I puts down that there all to beer ; 
What call had they got vor to beller and roar ? 
Had none on 'em sin Jack-a-lantern afore ?/ 

The Methodies said as is always the case- 
That the end o* the wordle was a comin' to pass ; 
Bad luck to PRINCE ALBERT zome thought it to mean, " 
And zome to the PRINCE OP WALES ; zome to the QUEEN. 

A warnin it was, there be many as says. 
To summons us all for to mend our bad ways ; 
Which is an opinion I will not deny, 
Since better behaviour 's occasion'd thereby. 

The general belief was it boded more wars, 
Which is no-ways depending on no shooting stars. 
I dwoan't know, not I, what their causes med be ; 
But nothun comes of 'em as ever I zee. 

Instead o' foreshowun that war 's to increase, 
This what they calls Meteor, sims like to bring peace, 
I ha'n't got much faith in that there sart o' thing, 
Bat I only wish peace med be what 'a wool bring. 

I takes no account o' strange sights in the air, 
But this thing with that thing a chap may compare, 
And as to that Meteor they talks so about, 
My only desire is as I may be out. 

The chances of peace, all at once, shines out clear ; 
I hopes that they wun't all in smoke disappear, 
Like the Comic, or Meteor, as 'pear'd unto me 
Off the quoast at Zouthampton to fall in the rea. 



Baths and Wash-houses in the City. 

CITY legislation has relented, and the City is to have its baths and 
wash-houses. Young WHITTINGTONS, at the smallest cost, are to be 




who, afterwards, is to wash their hands in it? SIR PETER LAURIE, 
with customary constitutional sagacity, expressed a hope that the 
baths would be good, serviceable, plain structures, with no ornament 
beyond what SIR PETER has suggested'; namely, in allusion to the baths, 
a Venus in soap-stone at the .Fountain ; ana, figurative of the wash- 
ing, a Cupid ringing the bell. 



38 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JAXCAUT 26, 1856. 



THE JOLLY GENEALOGISTS. 

THE world at, large may not 
he aware of the fact, that 
there is a Society in existence, 
whose object is to trace out 
the antiquity of its own 
Members in particular, and 
to dig at. the roots of family 
trees in general. Tins cheer- 
ful Association has ju4 pub- 
lished its report ; and, as some 
people who cunnot. appreciate 
o'd stocks and old coats (of 
arms) mav inquire sneeringly 
of the Society, "What, does 
it do ? " we are happy to have 
an opportunity of answering 
the question. In the fir>t 
place, the Committee of Re- 
search have had a thorough 
good grope among the " Ice- 
landic MS.;" and consider- 
able additions have been 
made to the histoiical d>>cu- 
ments of several families. 
Among other distinguish d 
tribes that have derived frish 
lustre from the labours of the 
Society, we find the names 
of BROWN and INGHAM ; a 
5si i result, In*!, must, be very satis- 
factory to all who have any 
BKOWN blood in their veins, 
as well as to all the race of 
INGHAM; who, th ugh no 1 
related lo the excellent, Ma- 
gistrate of that uame, may. 
perhaps, be found to he allied 
with the ancient IKGHAMYS 
of Brompton, or the still more antiquated THIXGIIAMYS of old Chelsea. 

Among other subjects of research among these gentlemen, whom we feel justified in alluding 
to as the Jolly Genealogists from the cheerful and genml tone of their address, we fiud that 
they have been studying the ". War Songs of the Gael," and we have no doubt that when 




the Society begins to feel itself firmly on its legs, 
it m*\ ven'ure upon some of the "War Dances 
of the ojibbeways." We beg leave to call the 
attention of the. Committee to the Highland 
Fling, which may be studied with advantage by 
some of the younger "fellows;" and we are 
satisfied that a minute application to the Scotch 
Keel would lead to the unwinding of many 
family mysteries that, seem to require unravell- 
ing. The confidence shown in the Society has 
been proved by the fact that " it is privileged 
hy many families having ancient documents to 
inspect, the same," and we have no doubt that 
our respectable friend, Ma. DCNUP, who is 
chiefly famous for his descent, which is of such 
long stauding that he now never hopes to rise. 
will cheerfully entrust the Association with all 
his numerous duplicates, which, from being out 
of da'e, may now be regarded as "ancient 
documents." 



HALF-AND-HALF ADVICE. 

, AMONG other literary novelties we observe 
what is somewhat ambitiously, as we think, 
termed a "treatise" advertised, which, by its 
titl-uaee, professes to explain How to Have half 
your Coals? As this has been rather a mo- 
mentou- question lately, with the thermometer 
at 20, and the "Best Screened Wallseud" at 
an even higher figure, we hail as householders 
with proportionable gratitude any advice that 
may be offered us so seasonably on the subject. 
We ohji'ct, ho "ever, upon principle to doing 
'hings by halves, and we would therefore feel 
exceedingly obliged if, in the next edition of 
his treatise, the author would endeavour to 
Hineiid its title, and inform us, How to Save all 
our Coals, and get our dinners cooked without 
burning any fire at all. 



PAHOCHTAL PREFERMENT. THWAITES is pre- 
ferred tO ItOtBOCK. 



ALMA MATER COLLEGE. 

" WHAT SHALL I DO WITH MY MONEY ? " is a question which daily 
occurs to Newspaper readers. Among these are many old gentlemen 
and many old ladies who have known well enough what to do with 
their money in the way of investment but what next ? as MR. COBDBN 
asks. They have much money, and no relations; and what shall they 
do with their money in the way of legacy ? There are many assiduous 
contributors to periodical literature who have afforded the public no 
little instruction in facetious and ephemeral writings, and who would 
instruct it more, though they migt't amuse it less, if only they were 
provided, by a liberal bequest, with the means of producing works 
more solemn, more ponderous, perhaps more profound, ceitaiuly com- 
paratively unsaleable. It is needless to add, that any legacy for this 
purpose confided to Mr. Punch will be duly and discerningly adminis- 
tered according to the indent of the testator. 

However, Mr. Punch is no legacy -huuter ; his rRoman nose reverses 
itself with disgust, at the idea of being what the Roman humourist, calls 
a captator ; indeed when did he ever say anything ad captanAum? Let 
the moneved but relalionless and friendless parties, to whom he has 
alluded, dispose of their property in the good old customary manner for 
such persons mentioned by MB. POPE nearly, but not iquite. Let 
them ; some one of them at least, 

" Die and endow a College, not a Cat." 

Let somebody of that class found a College, a new College, for which 
there is not only an opening now, but an opening of large size. What 
do they whom these remarks may concern think of a Military College? 
A Military College, not of the Woolwich or Sandhurst kind, but an 
entirely new description of College for a Military one ; a College to be 
incorporated with one of our great Universities. CambriHge by reason 
of its mathematical specialty would be ihe preferable Universi y. A 
Royal Charter, we suppose, would have to be obtained; there could be 
no difficulty about, that, for is not, the Chancellor of the University of 
Cambridge a Field-Marshal on the one hand, and the Consort of Her 
Most Gracious MAJESTY on the other? A Grace would have to pass 
the Senate also, we presume, and doubtless would p*ss that, liberal and 
judicious body with more acclamation than either AGLAIA would, or 



THALIA, or EUFHROSYNE, or all the three Graces, or Charites, put 
together. How nicely a Military College would dovetail in with the 
University system in a classical pom'.of view ! There is POLYBIUS ; there 
is QOINTTJS CURTIUS ; there are CESAR'S Commentaries : what an amount 
of warlike science might be derived out of these works, studied in the 
light of modern tactics and strategy. There is the Retreat of the Ten, 
Thousand: what an exercise for army students now, for instance, to 
make out how CODKINGTON should act under similar circumstances 
with XE.^OPHON! wheieir, it is to be hoped, he will never find himself. 

Fellowships might be founded for the maintenance of gallant young 
fellows until marriage or appointment; scholarships which would 
diminish the want of scholarship to be deplored in some regiments; 
exhibitions which would lessen the number of officers who occasionally 
make an exhibition of themselves. Preference would, of course, be 
given to those candidates whose fathers had fallen for their country. 
A military Tripos might also be established, wherein men might take 
honours, which would be preliminary to other honours, yet more pro- 
fessional and more illustrious. A Senior Wrangler who could wrangle 
to the confutation of a TODTLEBEN or a MOURAVIEW would be a 
wrangler worth rearing. 

To descend to m nor matters, who, but MR. COBDEN or MR. BRIGHT, 
that has ever lately contemplated " PARKER'S Piece," can have failed 
to be struck with the capability of that spot for a drill or parade 
ground ? Without, reference to a certain edifice observable thereon in 
the distance, PARKER'S Piece i a locality whereof it may be said, that 
it is just, the thing" Quod eral demonstrandum." 

Pursuing the way downward to things yet smaller, we may suggest, 
m reference to costume, that the academical gown might be worn over 
some sort < f uniform. And as to 'he cap, if the standard one will not 
do, why, to be sure, the Royal Chancellor will be only too happy to 
devise one suitable to the purpose. 

As to the name and designation of the Army College, it might be 
called WELLINGTON'S, should the Founder wish to commemorate a 
hero; should he rather prefer to gild his own humble name by the 
foundation, it might be denominated SXOOKS'S, or BROWN'S, or SMITH'S, 
as the case m> be. Two associations, however, alike obvious, con- 
sidered, pe-haps the best title for this abode of martial learning would 
be ALMA Mater College. 



JANUARY 26, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



39 



THE SIBYLLINE BOOKS. 

A LAY OF ANCIENT HOME, FOR THE CONSIDERATION OF MODERN RUSSIA.^ 



COUNT VALENTINE ESTERHAZY, 

From his audience out hath bow'd, 
And the CZAR or AIL THE HUSSIAS 

Hath left the courtier crowd. 
Tight uniform for dressing-gown _ 

Hath changed, with thankful air, 
Jack-hoots for roomy slippers, 

And throne for easy chair. 
Is 't o'er the Austrian offer 

That he is brooding now. 
With his elbow on the table, 

And his hand upon his brow ? 
On a volume spread before him 

He pores, in study deep 
What if we steal behind him, 

And o'er his shoulder peep ? 

He reads the Tale of TARQUIN, 

TARQUINIUS call'd the Proud, 1 
How he tamed the Volscian peoples, 

And the Sabine Cantons cow'd ; 
How here he gave protection, 

There took a guarantee, 
Til), town by town, all Latium 

Was in his Empery 
How by force and fraud he ruled abroad, 

By tyranny at. home, 
Till Rome was Lord of all around, 

And he was Lord of Rome. 

How Senate and Comitia 

Were nought before his will 
How he was skill'd, by tax and toll, 

His treasury to fill 
How by fine, and scourge, and banishment, 

He spread his iron rule, 
Till tyrants from far countries, 

Came to Rome as to a school. 



Beside the tyrant's palace, 

A tall palmetto stood, 
Where, favoured of TARQUINIUS, 

Nestled a vulture brood ; 
Till one day three great eagles, 

Came with a mighty cry, 
And on that brood of vultures 

Fell, swooping from the sky ; 
And claws were red and beaks were flesh'd 

In that portentous fight, 
And TAHQUINICS was troubled 

As he watch'd the awful sight. 

The while he watch'd the combat, 

An aged crone drew nigh, 
None knew her face, nor whence she came, 

But all shrank from her eye : 
She waved the lietors from her path, 

She pierced the courtiers' ring, 
And with port of pride, and scornful stride, 

She strode up to the King. 
Her cheek ne'er blench'd, nor her eye was 
quench'd 

For the monarch's angry looks, 
As from her mantle's fold she drew 

Three iron-clasped books. 

Outspake the King, " How now, bold crone, 

Thine errand, and thy name ? " 
" I am she men call the Sybil, 

From Ciunie here I came ; 
And my errand is to thee, O King, 

To tell thee that the hour" 
Is near at hand of woe to thee, 

And downfal to thy power ; 
But if my books thou purchase, 

Each for its weight in gold, 
Therein is wril, the secret, 

That shall thy throne uphold." 



" Ho. lictors ! " cried TARQUINIUS, 

" What ho, my men-at-arms ! 
Let your rods soon teach this Sybil 

How I rate her and her charms ! " 
But one flash of the Sibyl's eye, 

And one wave of her hand, 
And the lictors all stood palsied, 

Despite the King's command. 
Then on the burning tripod, 

That by TARQUIN'S side blazed high, 
One book she threw, the flame shot blue, 
And she was gone how, no one knew 

But each felt a wind go by. 

And years pass'd on : an army 

Lay at the gates of Rome : 
For Lucius JUNIUS BRUTUS 

From Collatia was come. 
Gloomily sat TARQUINIUS 

Within his guarded hall, 
But scant and scared the courtier-train 

That gather'd at his call- 
When sudden, in the twilight, 

He saw a shadow stand 
Betwixt him and the ttipod 

That burn'd at his right hand. 
And TARQUINIUS felt a horror, 

Cold creeping through his hair, 
And he knew it was the Sibyl 

Stood by his curule chair. 
With skinny hand the books she show'd 

Behold, there were but two ! 
" These two for thee, at the price of three, 

Or thy birth-hour thou 'It rue ! " 
Then pale wax'd proud TARQUINIUS, 

And his limbs> trembling shook .... 

But here the CZAR grows restless, 
And thoughtfully shuts the book. 



THE BRIDESMAIDS' "CHAMPION." 

PEBSONS ABOUT 
TO MARRY. A 
CARD. HENRY 
JOHN TEMPLE begs 
leave jauntily to 
notify, that lie at- 
tends weddings on 
1 he shortest notice, 
and on the most 
liberal terms. As 
the acknowledged 
Bridesmaid s" 
" Champion," he 
has always a ready 
supply of the pret- 
tiest things to ho 
said, in returning 
thanks for the 
health drunk of the 
blushing darlings; 

which is, in fact, as though thanks should be returned on the part of roses, 
because they are odorous, pure, and beautiful. 

It is not for HENRY JOIIN TEMPLE to dwell upon his own happy and various 
powers of eloquence, as it has played, with fountain-like lightness over many 
tables ; but he may be pardoned when he refers those ladies who may feel disposed 
to honour him with their patronage, to the Morning Plush of Thursday, January, 
17, 1856. On that auspicious event, it fell to the happy lot of HENRY JOHN 
TEMPLE to present himself in his old character of " the Bridesmaids' Champion." 
On that occasion, it may be said, that laurels and free-Dorn were beautifully entwined 
together. A young and lovely maiden intertwined her human destiny with that of a 
young, gallant, high-spirited, and (I confess it, I do like pluck) chivalrous English 
gentleman. The sister of a lady, who rests under the shadow of Waterloo and 
other laurels, she became the bride of the son of a statesman whose memory 
will ever remain to England as green as spring-wheat. Bajs and ears of corn 
were intermingled who shall deny it ? with orange-blos*soms. 

HENRY JOHN TEMPLE, in reference to his speech on that occasion, has only 
further to remark that, this being Leap Year, he trusts that young ladies will 
take their hearts in their own hands, and settle them as they may best determine. 




Although he has, on a former occasion, expressed a lingering 
regard for mediation and for protocols, he by no means 
counsels the adoption of such means in the afiairs of the 
heart. On such points, principals had always better speak 
for themselves; for, the preliminaries settled, there was 
rarely any difficulty in signing the treaty (such a document 
as that signed in Whitehall vestry on the occasion in 
question) between the high contracting parties. 

HENRY JOHN TEMPLE has only further to express himself 
to Bridesmaids in general, as ready to buckle on his armour 
as their Champion, and to do courteous fight for them over 
any mahogany. 



ENCOURAGEMENT OF LITERATURE. 

" A GENTLEMAN " advertises in the Hampshire Chronicle. 
He has at heart the interests of literature. He therefore 

" Gives Notice. That a REWARD of 1 will be given for the best 
LATIN ELEGIACS, on the" Battle of Marathon;" averaging in number 
from 80 to 100 Verses." 

Of course, the Latin required is merely dog-latin, the 
cost to the "gentleman" being emphatically dog-cheap. 
We hear that the same liberal patron of literature intends 
to propose a further reward of five-and-twenty shillings for 
the "Rat-Catcher's Daughter" in the best Sanscrit. . 



Prussia Draws the Sword. 

IMMEDIATELY it became known at Berlin that Russia was 
willing to accept the conditions of peace, KING CLICQUOT, 
in the jolliest humour, declared himself determined to draw 
the sword. He did so ; and, with the weapon, cut the 
champagne string ; the only " Gordian knot " of Prussian 
policy. 

HOPE TOR THE HARD UP. The insolvency of Russia 
is the only thing that renders her acceptance at all likely 
to be negotiated. 



40 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 26, 1856. 




A CRIMEAN GRIEVANCE. 

' I TELL TER WHAT, BlLL ! I DON'T HALF LIKE THESE HERE MOUSTAKCHERS. 

THEY DO MOP UP SUCH A LOT OF Gnoo ! " 



[THE CENTRAL BOARD IN DANGER. 

THE Central Board of Metropolitan Works has been in 
imminent danger of self-destruction ; for it bag shown a 
tendency to commit a sort of official suicide, by making all 
its Members vacate their seats on their self-election to all 
the salaried offices. The business of the Board opened with- 
the absorption of MR. THWAITES in the paid chairman- 
ship ; and this was followed up by the threatened swamping 
of MR. WILKINSON in the Chief Clerkship. If a check 
had not been put, to the mania which seemed to have sprung- 
up among the Board of electing itself to all paid offices 
in its own gift, the probability is>, that there would not have 
been a Member of the original body left; but that the 
whole of those who had been elected to govern the 
Metropolis would huve been found serving it at somewhat 
extravagant salaries. It has been said, with much truth, 
than the representative system is now put upon its trial; 
and we should very much lament to find that the representa- 
tive system had been exemplified by every one repre- 
senting his own interest and a general division of all 
the paid offices among those who are entrusted with the 
responsibilii y of find ing proper persons to fill them. Allow- 
ing that when the Board looked round for a chairman at 
1,500 a-year, it was impossible to find so fit a man for the 
post and the pay as MR. THWAITES, it is not very likely 
that the best clerks, architects, surveyors, and all the other 
recipients of the money at the disposal of the Board, would 
be found within the same narrow circle. The notice that 
has been taken of I his disposition to appropriate to itself 
all the lucrative places in its own gift, will probably have 
the effect of checking the Board in its career of self-destruc- 
tion ; but, if it should be persevered in, we would propose 
as a design for a seal, the very appropriate subject of Saturn 
devouring his own children. 



The Man of a Select Few. 

MR. COBDEN'S pamphlet, What Next? and Next? will 
certainly not procure him the suffrages of the million. 
Under these circumstances, perhaps, the honourable gentle- 
man would be content with having recommended himself 
to a smaller number. May we suggest the Chiltern 
Hundreds P 



LODGING FOR LITERARY TRAVELLERS. 

OXE of our weekly contemporaries has taken to showing its impartiality 
in a very remarkable manner, by opening its columns to everybody 
who will pay for them. Whenever a cause is not quite strong enough 
to support a journal of its own, the paper alluded to will allow itself to 
be converted into " an organ " at so much per week, according to the 
quantity of space that, may be agreed upon. 

The journal in question may be regarded as a sort of ready-furnished 
lodgings of the press, where every small party whose members have no 
place of tbeir own in which they can lay their heads together, may find 
respectable accommodation without the expense and the risk of a 
separate (newspaper) establishment. All the little incipient movements 
that have neither house nor home, and would be driven ignominiously 
from the doors of every journal in London but i,he 9ne to which we 
have referred, have been supplied with a local habitation and a name, 
at so much per week, in the hospitable columns of the paper, which 
rejoices in the name of a certain well-known line of omnibuses. Some- 
times it is the Temperance movement which puts up, for a few month?, 
in the ready-furnished columns of our respectable inend ; sometimes it 
is Kossutli who takes a suite of apartments at this literary lodging- 
house ; and, occasionally, the whole premises are to let a fact we 
observe from their very vacant aspect We presume the speculation 
succeeds, and we must confess we think the idea a very ingenious one ; 
for it not only comprises the plan of getting a paper filled without the 
cost of editing, but it provides a source of income, by letting out to 
literary tenants the very space which, in ordinary cases, noue but those 
who are well paid will occupy. 



A Model Medal. 



AN EMPEROR'S RIGHT HAND. 

OATHS are edged tools, apt to cut those very badly who rashly handle 
them. Do we not remember that, even ere NICHOLAS was consigned 
to the cathedral of Peter-and-Paul, his son, the EMPEROR ALEXANDER, 
in solemn council with his Russian statesmen and nobles, declared it 
to be his unalterable purpose to follow unshrinkingly the policy of 
('ATIIKIUXE and his father; and further, did he not '"wish that his 
hand might be withered, if that hnd should ever sign any treaty 
by which any portion of holy Russia should be ceded to an 
enemy 't " Very certain we are, there is no gainsaying this. And now 
is ALEXANDER to sign this fatal piece of parchment. Let us, then, in 
his affliction, with so terrible a calamity impending over him, pro- 
voked by his own rashness ; let us then, as forgiving Christians, pray 
that the right hand of ALEXANDER may not be stricken ; but, spared in 
its streugih, may for all future time keep itself pure and sweet from 
blood. 

HAYDN'S "REQUIEM." 

JOSEPH HAYDN is dead ; and the Government,, writes a friend of the 
deceased, "will save the pensioa of \\ie.\sA\d.per diem which they had 
just granted him." Of course, the catastrophe is purely accidental; 
otherwise it would seem that an enlightened Government, in its patron- 
age of art and letters, possessed in an extraordinary degree the faculty 
of exalting, estimating, and timing the sufferings of genius and learning, 
in order to come in just at the death. HAYDN'S tomb-stone (he died 
on the 17th inst.) ought to bear the Date of the Government grant and 
the amount. These would comprise a very touching epitaph. Learning 
asks for bread, and death in its benevolence awards a tomb-stone. 



As the DCKE or CAMBRIDGE has distributed the English medal; to 
the French troops who side by side fought with our brave fi-llows in 
the Crimea, of course, in due season, English soldiers will, in corre- 
sponding manner, be decorated by France. Let us hope that the 
medal above all others carried by both nations, will for ever remain 
the medal without a reverse ! 



The Evil that Men Do Lives after Them. 

COMPLAINTS have been made against certain Railway Companies 
that their permanent way is not likely to last, but we are sorry to find 
on inquiry, that many of them are going on in the old way, which is- a 
very bad way, and is likely to lie only too permanent. 



Printed y WillUm Bradbury, of .No. 13, 1'pp.r Woburn Place, and Frederick Mullett Kniai. of No. ... 

Prlntr, at their oiHce in Lombard Street, in the Freeing! of Whiteiiari, in the City of London. 
London. SaiuaiiAT, January 26, 1-yj'j. 



IS.qo'ft,'! Road '.Vest, Rur-nfi Purl, both In lh Parish of St. Pancrs., In the Con.tr of Middle.iv 
nd FabJUmd oy them >i .\o, ba, Fleet Street, in the Farnh oi St. Bride, In the CityoT 



FEBRUARY 2, 1856.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



41 




A MAD WAG'S ADVERTISEMENT. 

WE beg leave to call the attention of PRO- 
FESSOR OWEN to the very contradictory animal 
referred to in an extraordjnary advertisement, 
relating to a Bath chair, which we are told "may 
be drawn by either a man or pony, painted 
maroon, lined with drab cloth and holland 
covers," We can understand the possibility of 
painting either a man or a pony "maroon," 
though we should question the good taste or 
the utility of applying such a mode of external 
decoration to either animal ; but that either of 
them should be "lined with drab cloth and hol- 
land covers " is a phenomenon we at once pro- 
nounce incredible. It is true that a man's 
stomacb has a coat, and so we presume has a 
pony's, which may account in some degree for 
the very whimsical notion of a man or pony 
" lined with cloth ;" and we have a faint glim- 
mering of an idea suggestive of " holland covers " 
arising out of the tendency of an inveterate gin- 
drinker to cover his inside with Hollands. 
Nevertheless, the advertisement is so odd, that 
if the advertiser were to take it into his head 
to poison half his relations, make away with 
himself, or steal a pound of pork sausages, we 
dare say that no intelligent British jury would 
find any difficulty in pronouncing him "Not 
Guilty," on the ground of insanity. 



VERY INTERESTING, IP ONE DID BUT KNOW A LITTLE MORE. 

" And so Missus says, Mary, she says, tell me all about it, she says and so 1 says, me, Marm ? 
1 says and with, that, that 'a how it was, yer sec." " Lor I " 



A Joke on Horseback. 

WE are rather surprised to hear that the 
Police, about which MB. JONATHAN PEEL has 
been writing letters in the Times, is not a 
mounted force, though it is called the. Police of 
the West Riding. 



A MAID OF HONOUR ON SLAVERY. 

THE HON. Miss MURRAY has sent forth a book the fruit, or rather 
the leaves, of her experience in America called Letters from the United 
States. The acute lady has discovered a social beauty in the use of 
slavery. In one part of her book, she gives a painstaking account 
(she paints the negro with as much fervour and devotion as any fair 
Belgravian, given to the art, could paint a church window for St. Fur- 
below) 9f a manumitted slave, who blesses the day that he was caught 
in an African slave-hunt and brought to America, because there he had 
been made a Christian, and thence might return to Guinea a missionary. 
What a shame and a folly that we should have put down the slave- 
trade, when we merely might have imported, not slaves, but missionaries 
in the rough, to be duly polished by the cow-hide into the future pastor 
and master of his benighted brother. Imagine the blessed change an 
eloquent missionary for a Guinea slave ! However, "we have thought 
ourselves wiser than pur forefathers in all points, because we have 
advanced beyond them in others." Otherwise, the HON. Miss MURRAY 
might herself have property in an interesting little nigger, who, like 
the black boy in silks and satins in HOGARTH, might have borne the 
silver tea-kettle of the HON. Miss MURRAY. 

The lady and being a spinster, she is, of course, an excellent judge 
of the blessings of liberty the lady says of the negroes " They are 
devoted servants, and miserable free people." Like dogs, their best 
qualities are only brought out when in relation to their masters. The 
wild-dog, like Miss MURRAY'S free negro, is a miserable dog indeed ; 
but the dog, the human dog, carrying an owner's collar the animal 
changeable for so many dollars is aj devoted creature. Upon this, 
Miss MURRAY is most emphatic. 

" This fact it is impossible to state' too often, or too decidedly. The Creator of men 
formed them for labour under guidance, and there is probabiy a providential intention of 
producing some good Christian men and women out of it in time. We have been blindly 
endeavouring to counteract this intention." 

It is instructive to know the intimacy that the HON. Miss MURRAY 
has with the intention of "the Creator of men." When HE made men 
black, HE made them so that., out of this blackness, the partial bright- 
ness of Christianity might shine "in time." The black man is a dark 
lanthorn, out of which light may come ! 

We presume that the HON. Miss MURRAY preserves her rights as an 
English subject; otherwise, were she naturalised in the States, we 
should propose that certain grateful slave-dealers should make her a 
present of two or three blacks, as living testimonials of her wisdom- 



blacks, to be turned by the piety of the HON. Miss MURRAY, into good 
Christians, though still slaves, and the property of Christians. We 
know of a Testament in which it is written, " Love one another ;" but in 
the very original Testament used by the HON. Miss MURRAY, the 
behest must clearly run, " Buy one another." 



Parliamentary Notes and Queries. 

WE wonder whether this Session MR. JOHN O'CoNNELL will die 
upon the floor of the House ? Whether MR. DISRAELI will suck as 
many oranges as usual? Whether LORD ROBERT GROSVENOH will 
dare to bring forward his Sunday Beer measure again ? Whether SIR 
JAMES GRAHAM will cry at his veracity being impugned ? Whether 
MR. BHOTHERTON will forget to jump on his legs at the favourite 
hour, when it is well known that Members and " churchyards yawn, 
for the purpose of recommending the House to go to bed ? And 
whether the RIGHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE will talk for rather less 
than three hours, when he rises merely to offer "a few brief 
observations ? " 

Boarded and Done For. 

THERE is a saying, that a fool may ask a question which a wise man 
cannot answer. More often the case is reversed. Sometimes, how- 
ever, a wise man may ask a question which a fool can answer, lor 
instance, the late SIR ROBERT PEEL asked, " What is a Pound ? 
Any existing Alderman might reply, "The thing we Cits are keeping 
you in, at the end of Cheapside." 

Extreme Intolerance of Light. 

IT is said that KING BOMBA has forbidden the application of Pho- 
tography in bis dominions. Opposed as BOMBA is to the operation 01 
intellectual light, it is hardly conceivable that he should be such a bat, 
such an owl, such an altogether nocturnal creature, such an adorer of 
absolute darkness, as to interfere with the agency of the actual rays of 
the Sun. 

ANOMALY OF THE MONEY MARKET. 

IN consequence of the Peace rumours, money is said to have been 
easier of late in the City. It is strange that the more easy money 
becomes the greater abundance there is of hard cash. 



VOL. xxx. 



42 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FlBEUART 2, 1S56. 



JURISPRUDENCE FOR REVEREND GENTS. 

HY not enlarge the sphere of 
Clergymen's judicial 
functions P Why limit 
a reverend gentleman 
to the capability of 
being a mere Magis- 
trate P Why not ren- 
der him eligible to the 
office of Judge in HER 
MAJESTY'S Courts of 
Assize ? There was a 
time when a Church- 
man could be a LORD 
CHANCELLOR. For the 
restoration of that time, 
of the potentiality of 
the Cloth to be com- 
bined with the Er- 
mine, the Newspapers 
are continually show- 
ing abundant reasons. 
Here is one, if we may 
depend on the follow- 
ing extract from the 
Darlington and Stock- 
ford Times : 

" QUEER DECISION OP A 
CLEBICAL MAGISTRATE. 
At Castle Eden, the other 
day, in an assault cage, the 
REV. Ma. PARK, in an- 
nouncing the decision of 
the Bench, addressed the 

defendant in the following manner : ' As the assault is not proved, we will dismiss the case on your paying the 

cost* ; but if you refuse to do BO, then we shall fine you for tbe assault.' " 

There are observable on the part of Clerical Magistrates, generally, two valuable pecu- 
liarities, perhaps amounting, however, to tbe same thing. They are prone to adjudicate 
irrespectively of forms, in the spirit of an Oriental potentate, and in that of an English 
schoolmaster. They are apt to assume a wholesome superiority over the law which they 
dispense. In awarding punishment they are not trammeled by the technical rules of evidence 
much more than a pedagogue necessarily is when he^decides to flog a boy. A moral, almost 




an intuitive kind of assurance, has much weight 
with them in determining their judgment. The 
Reverend Divines are persuaded of that guilt 
which, humanly, they yet know to have not been 
proved. Then they strike a nice balance between 
convicting on insufficient testimony and letting 
an evil-doer go unpunished. They dismiss him 
with half-punishment, or ^turn-punishment ; and 
a tew of them presiding on the Judicial Bench 
wou]d soon introduce a vast improvement on the 
administration of Justice as dispensed by Lay 
Judges. We might hear a Reverend MR. JUSTICE 
PARK, for instance, on a trial for murder, deliver 
a summing-up of Ibis kind: Gentlemen of the 
Jury. You nave listened to the evidence; and, 
perhaps, if it has produced the same impression on 
jour mind that it has upon" mine, you maybe of 
opinion, that it is insufficient to establish the 
charge of murder against the prisoner. There is 
no conclusive evidence that his was the hand by 
which the unfortunate deceased fell. It is true, 
there are circumstances in the case which raise 
some grave suspicions against the min at the 
bar ; but you will probably consider that these 
will not warrant you in pronouncing a verdict 
of Guilty. There being considerable doubt in the 
case, you will give the accused the benefit of 
tbat doubt to a certain extent; and, perhaps, 
you will best consult the ends of justice Dy 
returning a conditional verdict of Acquittal. You 
will ask i he prisoner at the bar, whether he is will- 
ing to defray the expenses of the prosecution, 
provided you say that he is Not Guilty, which, 
if he chooses to consent to that arrangement, 
will be your verdict ; but if he refuses to consent 
to that arrangement, why, then, gentlemen, you 
will have no alternative but to find the prisoner 
Guilt.y, and I need not tell you that the law will 
take its course." 



A LITERARY INQUIRY. Properly and literally 
speaking, ought not LONGFELLOW'S publisher to 
be LONGMAN P 



JENNY LIND. 

AND have you not been to the PHILADELPHEION ? 

That 's Exeter Hall, if you please, in the Strand, 
Where M'HowL and M'BLARE keep a Protestant eye on 

The Lady in Red, and the Pope's brazen band. 
But don't go for that go to JENNY Linn's concerts 

A far better sight will be set for your view, 
Mas. JENNY in white, and Miss DOLBY in lilac, 

Miss MKSSENT in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 

Our own darling JENNY, who comes on the platform 

To warble the best of our MENDELSSOHN'S strains, 
A trifle, it may be, more slight than she left us, 

Worn down, let us hope, by the weight of her gains. 
She comes, with Amina's old smile on her features, 

And down sit four ladies distinct in their hue 
MRS. JENNY in white, and Miss DOLBY in lilac, 

Miss MESSKNT in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 

And the marvellous voice, nneclipsed in its glory, 

Comes forth, like a Spirit commission'd for good, 
Whether sparkling in air like the spray of a fountain, 

Or gusuiug in silver abroad like a flood. 
To Sermons, like CAIRO'S, be all honour yet JENNY 

Can say to the stall what he says to the pew, 
As she sings, all in white, with Miss DOLBY in lilac, 

Miss MESSKST in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 

We don't quite forgive her, our darling Amina, 

For quitting the stage where her triumph was won, 
And never had patience to ascertain whether 

Through bishop, or husband, or whim, it was done. 
We hope she'll come back, and meantime we're delighted 

To hear in Elijah what things she can do, 
As she sings there in white, with Miss DOLBY in lilac, 

Miss MESSKNT in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 

She brought out our tears as she shudder'd in sorrow, 
And dned tbem away with the flash of her joy, 



As Zarephatb's widow alternate lamented 

The death, and rejoiced o'er the life of her boy. 

And never was justice more amply accorded 
To the exquisite strains of the wonderful Jew, 

Than by JENNY in white, and Miss DOLBY in lilac, 
Miss MESSENT in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 

But her place is the Stage, from whose art she still borrows 

The glance, and the pathos, the gesture, the thrill ; 
And we '11 bet MR. MITCHELL he opens the Opera 

One day, with her fortunate name in his bill. 
Yet still we shall have at the *IAAAEA*EION 

A voice that 's as liquid and clear as the dew, 
Miss DOLBY'S, who sang in contralto and lilac, 

With Miss MJSSSENT in pink, and Miss WILLIAMS in blue. 



A WELCOME CHANGE. 

AT last we have a lull. The storm is rapidly clearing up. A whole 
week has passed not less than seven clear days have expired and yet 
not a single Testimonial has been presented to the EARL OP CARDIGAN ! 
Never before has there been such a pelting shower of Testimonials all 
falling on one head; and it says a great deal for the noble Earl's 
courage to .have supported it so long. But we are heartily glad the 
shower at length has come to an end; or else the gallant EarL to 
shelter himself from it, might have been compelled to go again to the 
Crimea, where he would only have exposed himself to the danger of 
receiving more Testimonials. For some Heroes there seems to be no 
possibility of escape. 



A Dragon Son-in-Law. 

AN Italian Prince, DRACO, baa just received a honeyed sop. He has 
married the second daughter of QUKEN CHRISTINA; who, in choosin" 
fu" 8 ?? a son - In -' aw sllow s that her old affection still remains for 
the golden apples. We know nothing of tbe bridegroom : but with a 
full historical knowledge of his mamjja-in-law, we cannot but exclaim 

Poor Dragon ! " 



FEBRUARY 2, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



43 



SYMPATHY WITH A CELEBRITY. 




HAT the days of 



sort of a compliment are the cheers of a large proportion of the 
multitude of Westminster to a Louis NAPOLEON or a VICTOR 
EMMANUEL ? 
How many ten-pound householders were there among that portion of 



enthusiasm have the Westminster people who rushed together to get a look at ME. 
died out that i PALMER? Till this question is decided, who will be very ambitious to 
the ages of faith represent the Westminster constituency ? 

have departed is 

an alleged fact, 



greatly and often 
lamented in certain 
quarters. If the 



PANTOMIME AT ST. STEPHEN'S. 



H. DRUMMOND* 
GRAHAM and NAPIER. 
COBDEN and BRIGHT. 
DIBKABLI and B. OSBORSE. 
SPOONEK and NEWDE<JATK.' ; 



WE hope that Parliament will open with a stronger company than 
BISHOP or EXE- usual this year. Like Drury Lane Theatre, we should like to see the 
TER were going to ' principal parts in the annual pantomime supported wilh double strength, 
be tried, and per- With our customary liberality, we propose the following list : 
haps executed, on ; Tmg Cloans H DRUMMOSD* and JOHN 

account, not only zw ** 

Of his Opinions m Two Harlequins 

regard to the ere- TWO Sprites . 

dettCe table, but | Two Columbines 

for those which j 

he holds in com- It will be seen that two old women have been put into the usually 
mon with the ARCHBISHOP at CANTERBURY and DR. GUMMING ; would juvenile character of Columbia ; but this is unavoidable, from the weak- 
the populace of his diocese-it may be demanded in those nuar- ness of the Company. It is a great piiy, but we have no doubt that the 
ters-bebave as the people of Carthage are thus related to Lave two elderly ladies above ment.onedwilUo it as well as their advanced 

behaved bv a -Teat historian " a S e wl11 P ermlt them - The mob of nols y b y 8 ' fisllfa g 9 ' cads > coster - 

. f ' mongers, &c., will be supported to admiration by the Irish Brigade. 

" Two officers of rank . . . placed Cyprian between them in a chariot ; and as 

the proconsul was not then at leisure, they conducted him, not to a prison, but to a I * The only successor to JOE G RIHALDI. 

private house in Carthage, which belonged to one of them. An elegant supper was 

j i.i _i._:...j- n ij-ienda were permitted 

illed with a multitude of I 

PRO ARIS ET FOCIS. 

IT is gratifying to Mr. Punch to know that, at Court at least, a stern 



Perhaps they would perhaps they wouldn't. But the Times of one 
day last week records a demonstration on the part of some of the 



people of Westminster, which may be regarded as beins, m its way, a examp ] e O f salutary economy is set to the so'ldiery falsely supposed to 
parallel to that abpve described by the historian of I he Decline and fall <^ e pampered at the expense of the nation. Recently visiting the 
of the Reman, Empire. A person presumed to be in similar peril, if not I Guard-Room at Windsor, Mr. Punch was delighted, to observe, that in 
quite in like ca^e, with the BISHOP OF CARTHAGE had to make his j )jeu of the re8p iendent and elaborate Steel-ware which is too often to 
: wf_:*o. TT.ii *~A . *>, ,,*.., f , l^-no. I be found in the mansion? of the opuleuti tuose waose sacred duty it is 

to protect their Sovereign's person were very properly compelled to 



appearance in Westminster Hall, and says the reporter of our leading 
contemporary : 

" As early as 9 o'clock a crowd began to assemble outside opposite, to the judges' 
private entrance to the court, and in front of (he public entrance in Westminster Hall 

. . . A body of police was stationed at both the public and the private entrances 
of the Court to maintain order. By that time an immense crowd of persona had 
assembled in Westminster Hall, and the number was greatly augmented when, after 
the arrival of the prisoner, the crowd that had congregated outside moved round into 
the Uall in the hope of gaining access to the Court." 

Here is sympathy, is there not ? Here is interest, anyhow, on behalf 
of a distinguished personage in bonds : but mark how intense the 
interest, the sympathy how earnest ! 

"There they stood, a dense mass" 

Materially dense not, of course, spiritually or intellectually 

" There they stood, a dense mass, in front of the entrance to the Court for nearly an 
hoar and a half, until 11 o'clock, when the doors were opened and a terrific struggle 
ensued." 

As when a well-graced actor not to speak it profanely is expected 
to appear on the scene. Well 

" The Police who guarded the door tried to admit two or three at a time, and in some- 
' thing like order ; but the impatient crowd yelled and shouted in remonstrance at the 
delay, and an impatient rush for admission was made which overpowered all re- 
sistance." 

CYPKIAN never drew such a crush as that to his tragedy it does not 
appear that his friends yelled and shouted to behold him ; nor was any 
anxiety to obtain a glance at his saintly features exhibited by them at 
all equal to that of our enthusiasts, of whom 

" Hundreds who had joined in the struggle for admission were excluded ; and 
remained for some time in disappointed groups on the floor of the hall. Another large 
assemblage stood outside in Margaret Street for upwards of two hours, awaiting the 
return of PALMER from the Court, and eager to catch a glimpse of him as he was borne 
away from the door." 

They wanted to get a glimpse of the holy PALMER, our unsophisticated 
reader will perhaps surmise. Not so : the PALMER they were so eager 
to set eyes on was plain MR. PALMER, at whose door three murders 
have been laid rightly or wrongly by the verdict of a coroner's jury ; 
who is suspected of having committed several more ; who has to be tried 
for having poisoned his friend, his wife, and his brother ; and who was 
then and there had up to prove that, his deceased wife had forged an 
indorsement with intent to defraud his own mother. 

ST. CYPRIAN was about to be tried for Christianity. SURGEON 
PALMER is going to be tried for murder. As the Saint had his sympa- 
thisers, so, it appears, has the Surgeon. 

The crowd drawn by MR. PALMER to Westminster Hall was not a 

crowd of physiognomists, not a crowd of phrenologists. They did not 

want to see if his face bore out LAVATER, or whether he had ten times 

the destructiveness of an ordinary man, and the moral organs of a 

baboon. They only wished to gaze on the lineaments of a Great Man. 

What is fame? what is po Hilarity in a great measure? What 




tend the soldier's hearth, to stir the soldier's fire, to pick up the 
soldier's nobbly bit of coal, and to throw up the soldier's ashes, with im- 
plements of a Spartan simplicity. He was so enchanted with this 
spectacle of primitive virtur, that he outed with his pocket photograph, 
and took a view of the Guard-Room Fire-irons as they appeared upon 
the occasion of his visit, and he exhibits an engraving from his sketch, 
as a model for the aristocracy and the army. The feeble jauntiness of 
the Tongs may excite a ribald smile, the eclipsed proportions of the 
Shovel may divert those who dp not respect its evident struggle to be 
straight ; but the Soul of Wit apparent in the brevity of the Poker, 
the shortest ever seen in these islands, must shed a gilding and glori- 
fying lustre on the triad. No wonder our army performs wonders 
what must our martial fire be, when such are our soldiers' fire-irons P 

SUCH is LIFE. A Little school-girl makes the following pathetic 
inquiry : " Did you ever know a piece of bread and butter fall on the 
ground but it was sure to fall on the buttered side ? " 




A DISTRESSED AGRICULTURIST. 

. SPBINGWHEAT, ACCORDING TO THE PAPERS, THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBABILITY or A CESSATION OF 

OU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THERE *S ANT 



PEACE. 

BLIND and bleeding from the melee, from the whirl of stroke and thrust 
In the lists of the Crimea rest the knights athirst adust 
, , r Wlnter >. tb at grim warder, down his icy truncheon fling 
1 wixt the warriors, taking order for a truce until the spring. 
1 hen when emerald blade and blossom clothe with life the naked plain 
Hand on throat, and blade to bosom, up, to Death's work again ! 

We at home our task are urging without rest for head or hand 
VV e are hammering, casting, forging, pointing bayonet and brand 
Through the land war-toil's fierce clamours, from morn till even, swell 
in our dockyards ring the hammers, on our quays rise shot and shell- 
Kcady hands in ample purses, ready lives to feed the War- 
tended brows, and mutter'd curses, boding mischief to the CZAE ! 

We are free : our moods are many : but for this our wills are one ' 

'M h , ma " S P UD ? . and Poor man's penny go, nngrudged, till this bedone 

Till the Muscovite be stricken, stricken fairly to his knee, 

England s peaceful pulse shall quicken with war-throb from sea to sea 

As in days when our forefathers bore the bill and bent the bow 

All her might old England gathers, like a flood, against the foe! 

But across those Baltic waters, if our eye could pierce the night, , 
Wherewith Kussia shrouds her Tartars, it would see another sight 
Hopeless luture, cheerless Present, Past of mighty memories bare,' 
Mulcted noble, fetter'd peasant, thin-sown town and hamlet rare 
Mid a race of slaves one Tyrant rearing up an anxious face, 
With serf-soldiers all environ'd, or serl-courtiers more base. 

Men are cheap : their lord is lavish of the life-blood of his swarms 
Brains are blank, and hearts are slavish, but he wields a million arms 
Lash them onwards-thick and thicker, to the insatiate jaws of war 
ith their dull souls fired by liquor, to the cry of " Cross and 



Till in sunny Asian regions, and round Europe's land-lock'd sea, 
'Odmg battle, .Russia's legions face the legions of the Free. 

Who is this that calm and clement 'twist the hosts by sea and land 
Moves m shining angel-raiment, with a green bough in her hand ? ' 

i before her sinks the ocean, bright behind her breaks the cloud 
lo such majesty of motion knees should bend and heads be bow'd 
RrffiSm 1 !* T \ a r 6r entreat >S, at h er voice pause Russian drums, 
But from English lips no greeting or a doubtful greeting comes. 



w : i res P ecf j , rav mission : drop your weapons, at my word: 

Why, with looks of cold suspicion, lower, not sheathe the sword ? " 

aC " W ' 6 We ' treaSUre : love her calmbrow .'live- 

f r pleasure > ma y not be at Pleasure 
) m re we fear his fraud than 
>gainst 



him- iS r Ut f rsakiD S strenuous war for strenuous work : 
e for him is .time for breaking faith of treaties with the Turk. 
for us , M wealth '. outpouring on all things that peaceful are: 

him is secret storing of the means for treacherous War. 
e for us will be dictated by those whose word is sooth : 
Peace for him negotiated by those who live untruth. 



' th ? be ! ie g. ' f thine advent find us cold ? 
, and sorely gnevmg to take up the arms we hold 

To It V, ! ' eD ' W0e be V> s ' W foo's that hold we loose ; 

lo let Kussia enmew us in her diplomatic noose. 

Iry your pens : but if the tangle mock unravelling by words 

' time be spent m wrangle, to the knot, we'll take our swords " 



FEBRUARY 2, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



47 



THE DIARY OF LADY FIRE-EATER. 

OMB one say LADY FIRE- 
EATER has just published 
The Diary she kept, during 
the Russian War. She and 
her horse " Bob," were in 
the thick of the fight in 
the Crimea. Of course, 
she was only there as an 
amateur. She went to 
"X Sebastopol as a lady at 
y home goes out shopping, 
simply for the amusement 
of the thing. There was 
the excitement of the 
danger, too, that made the 
shopping all the more de- 
lightful. It would be like 
a military-minded lady, 
looking at some fifty cache- 
mires at HOLMES'S, whilst 
the shop was in flames. 
Besides, there was nothing 
to gain. It was clear that 
LADY FIRE-EATER could 
s not expect to bring home 
~" with her a diamond star, 
or a jewelled cross, or 
even as much as a piece 

of ribbon that might dangle proudly from her sensitive breast. No ; it was entirely 
a disinterested excursion, undertaken as a passe-temps, out of pure love tor the 
sport as something to talk about when the Jay's adventures were over. 

We will endeavour to give a few extracts from. LADY FIRE-EATER s Diary. 
will be seen that LADY SALE'S Journal was nothing but a bowl of milk and water 
by the side of her fiery mixture : 




Monday, 6th. Walked to Balaklava. 
The number of dead horses strewed on each 



Up to my ancles in mud. Left one of my shoes behind me. 
each side of the road, reminded me forcibly of a knacker's yard. 

Wednesday, 7th. Short of hands to-day, such numbers killed yesterday. Had to clean my own boots. 
GENERAL BOSQUET passing at the time, laughingly exclaimed " Ah, Madame, quelle mam charmante 
vmts avez la four bienfrotter lea Rutaes I" I touched my hat quietly as he.rode by but on my word, 
the compliment, whenever I think of it, makes my blood tingle. 

Saturday, Wlh. Woke up by a loud explosion that made all the glasses in the tent rattle again, 
like the chandelier-drops during a maddening gulopade. Sky burning red, just as on a Vauihall 
night The flames seemed so close that I fancied I could have lit my cigar by them. 

Monday, 12l. Walked over the battle-field to collect " charms " for my watch-chain. 

Tuesday, 13th. A French trnmpetar being killed by my side, I seized his trumpet, and kept up 
with his regiment during the remainder of the mtUc. Played all the tunes every bit as well as 
VrviEB. CASEOBKBT sent me the Legion of Honour, which I put round the neck of my dear old 
" BOBBY." 

Thurtday, 15(4. There being no water, was obliged to wash my face and hands in BASS'S Pale Ale. 

Wednesday, 21(. Took my album into Sebastopol, and sketched the different ruins. Took a 
charming sketch of the church of St Sergius. 



Saturday, 'IWi. Rode a steeple-chace with the officers of the 159th. 
Cleared the walls in grand style. Should have won, if my borse (a 
villanous screw, only fit for dog's meat) hadn't taken it into his stupid ' 
noddle at the last half-mile to drop down dead. Cried with vexation, 
but soon recovered my usual spirits upon bearing the cry raised "The 
Cossacks are coming ! " Disappointed, however, as we could not get 
nearer to them at any time than a couple of miles. 

Saturday, 31s(. Passed the night in the trenches. Feet very cold. 
Kept them warm by putting on two of our Grenadiers' scbabos. Russians 
very troublesome. They wouldn't let me sleep. Nearly taken prisoner 
also the schakos on my feet impeding my running. 

Monday, 2nd. Dog-hunting in the morning shooting Cossacks in the 
evening. 

Tuesday, 3rd. Not a drop of brandy left 1 

Wednesday, Nov. 4th. During the whole day kept up by HARRY'S side, 
charging his gnu, and handing him my pistols as soon as he had fired 
off his own. Rather astonished some Zouaves, I think, by singing 
" Partant pour la Syrie" aa they rushed forward to annihilate the liur- 
rieimoff Invincibles. - 

Friday, Kth. Passed a quiet afternoon teaching some raw recruits 
(mere charity-children, that start like rabbits at the crack of a gun) 
the proper range of the Minie Rifle. 

Saturday, lih. Left my " pocket-pistol " in the Rifle Pits, and sauntered 
out dauntlessly to fetch it. Thought no more of it than if I had been 
walking down Regent Street. Brought back two bullet-holes in my hat, 
and had the tortoise-shell comb in my back hair splintered into pieces 
but secured my "pocket-pistol." 

Wednesday, 1314. Messed with the Officers of the Qarde ImpMale. 
Capital fellows ! Glorious amusement 1 No salt for dinner made them 
laugh by calling for some Saltpetre. Gambling singing -smoking till 
a late hour. Being some distance from the English lines, threw myself 
down in the middle of an open plain, and slept soundly on the hard 
ground, with my head resting on darling Bobby's. Dreamt I was 
planting the English Standard in the middle of the Redan. Awoke 
disappointed. 

Thursday, 19(A. Tent flooded. Slept inside an ammunition-wagon. 
So sound asleep that they carried me right into Balaklava before I could 
make them understand by bellowing there was some one inside. Tucked 
up my trousers, and walked back through the snow. 

Sunday, Wnd. A French Toulourmi, no higher than a muff, hearing we 
were short of provisions, gave me half of his pain bis. Enchanted with 
his gallantry, I exchanged ear-rings with le jeune brave. 

Tuesday, 24(4. Surrounded by six Russians shot three wounded the 
fourth sliced the fifth like a lobster and took prisoner the sixth, tying 
his hands with my veil. The coward trembled like a ben-pecked husband 
about to receive a Curtain Lecture. Carried him into camp amidst the 
laughter, hurrahs, and exclamations of our soldiers. Serenade in the 
ning outside my tent by thirty-nine corporals "She 's a jolly good 
fellow." 

Friday 27(4. Joined the storming party. Met a French colonel whom 

I had danced with at the Tuileries. " Charm*! de imia revrir, Madame," 

he exclaimed, as he rushed by me like a flash of French lightning; 

autre/ois, c'etait nous qui allioni au Bat matt id, c'est la Halle qni matt * 



The above extracts only form part of a delightful book 
that has been published by the LONGMANS, a book in 
which you meet with all the grace and refinement that a 
Lady would necessarily acquire by taking her share in mili- 
tary pursuits, and mixing gaily, as in a ball-room, in scenes 
of bloodshed. Decidedly, there is nothing like gunpowder 
for preserving the purity of the female mind ! 



PEACE EJACULATIONS. 

"1 CAN'T understand it," said ADMIRAL LYONS, when Louis 
NAPOLEON announced the news of peace. 

" All I know is," said CAMBRIDGE, " I 'm off for St. James's." 

PRINCE NAPOLEON dropt two tears. " That," said he, as the first 
tear fell, " that is for Hungary ; that for Poland." 

" Peace ! " cried Mark Lane. " Dreadful ! Why com '11 come down 
to nothin'." 

" Peace ! " said JOHK BRIGHT. " Heaven be thanked ! No more 
bloodshed no more double Income-Tax every man's vine and every 
man's fig, and what is more important than all, I 'm safe for 
Manchester." 

" Peace with Russia ! " cried COBDEN. " Of course ; didn't I always 
say we should crumple her F " 

"Peace!" said SIR CHARLES NAPIEE; "then it's no use a bully- 
ragging GRAHAM ! " 

Peace!" cried SIR JAMES; "then that claps a muzzle upon 
NAKES!" 

" Peace ! " says DISRAELI ; " devilish provoking ! And I wrote to 
support PAM in the War ! " 

' Peace ! " cries GLADSTONE ; " then I may yet be decorated with St. 
Vladimir." 

" Peace ! " sighed ADMIRAL DUNDAS ; " then my' dream 's all moon^ 
shine, and I shan't fish a coronet out of the Baltic.'" 

" Peace ! " mused LORD DERBY ; " then we must get rid of PAM. 
He can't now go to the country on any cry that we can't outcry him." 

"Peace!" said LORD JOHN RTJSSELL; "then I'll bring in my 
Reform Bill kiss hands at Windsor and, yes, perhaps I'll once more 
dine in the City." 

" Peace ! " said JOHN BULL, with a somewhat soured look. " Peace ! 



And all those beautiful gun-boats and all that was to have been in 
the Baltic Cronstadt that was to have gone with a crash the 
Malachite gates I was to have had for my country-house from the 
pillage of Petersburg the EMPEROR who was to have been brought in a 
cage and Peace ! " and again JOHN groaned ; and then JOHN, with a 
flashing eye, and bringing down his flst, like a mallet on the mahogany, 
cried " I tell you what ; if it, must be peace, that son of a bear, the 
Rooshian, shall and mast pay the bill." 

MRS. BULL said," Peace ! Why, of course, JOHN, be '11 pay the 
bill." But MRS. BULL was always a discreet woman. She only said 
as much to mollify JOHN; for, as she afterwards owned to her 
neighbours, " they'd never get a penny'of their Income-Tax back again ; 
for the villains of Russians she knew 'em ! would be let off without 



for the villains of Russians 
paying a farthing ! " 



ye 
II 



A Knight of the Thistle. 

THE DUKE OF ARGYLL is to have the green ribbon ; and should a 
ellow ribbon be at any time vacant, he will doubtless have that also. 
Jis Grace, however, is honoured with the Order of the Thistle because, 
in fact, there is a Scoi chman who has already been so much honoured, 
that all further honour lavished on him would be wasteful superfluity. 
There was no room on the breast of SIR COLIN CAMPBELL for the 
Thistle, or it would doubtless have adorned that glorious Scotchman. 
Besides, such a Thistle is more easily plucked in the Court of St. 
James's, than on the heights of the Alma. 

OFFICIAL INFORMATION. We are requested to contradict in the 
strongest manner possible, that the small part of Red Tape in the 
Drury Lane Pantomime, is supported by MR. FREDERICK. PEEL. 
Evening Paper. 



43 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 1856. 




CURIOUS LEGAL PHENOMENON. 

ME. SERJEANT WILKINS, for his eloquent 
burat of indignation in the case of the much- 
abused WILLIAM PALMER, when that unfortunate 
gentleman meekly spat upon his wife's memory, 
by swearing to her act of forgery (who believed 
him?) MB. SEHJEANTWILKINS earned a wreath, 
if aot of laurel, at least of flowering hemp. 
SHERIDAN says 

" Nor pleads he worse, who with a decent sprig 
Of bays adorns his legal waste of wig." 

At all events, a wreath of some sort, if not 
"a leaf of laurel in a grove of curl" a wreath 
of some kind, to the imaginative eye of a poetic 
public, encircles the Serjeant's coif. We have, 
however, to chronicle a very curious phenomenon. 
When the learned Serjeant had concluded his 
remarkable speech, it was discovered by the 
by-standers that the Serjeant's gown, before of 
silk, was become all stuff. 



; f J r TT ly r CrOStin -*dy*, why it's impouiUtl Wot with, tlie 
k, for the Gent,, a,id the Ladie, a holdM up their gowndi to 03 tlxy can't nit thtir 
an, m thar pockets-why, it ain't hardly bread and cheese!" 



m i.L '-** 

Grave " Talent. 

THE Nord, the Russian organ duly ground i 
Brussels, in its notice of MR. COBDEN'S Wha 
Next? cruelly alludes to the writer's "grav 
talent." Grave talent, as Polonius would say- 
is good. It is exactly the "grave talent" ii 
which MR. COBDEN has buried the reputation o 
a whole life. 

SUBJECT OF A MEDICAL REVIEW. The draf 
of the Medical Staff Corps was inspected th 
other day at Chatham. Tlie reader is advised tc 
bear in mind that this draft was not a black dose 



THE PROPER CONGRESS IN THE PROPER PLACE 

THERE is to be a Congress a Peace Congress ! Good people al 
take care of your pockets ! But where shall the Congress be held 
in Vienna ? Certainly not ; that is a little too far away from th 
influence of public opinion : public opinion having as much chance i 
Vienna as a mouse in an air-pump. In Berlin, then ? By no mean 
We are, we know, threatened with the permitted interference of KIN 
CLICQUOT, who will thrust his cork-screw into everything to be opened 
nevertheless, we protest against Berlin. In Paris, then? Well w 
think not. We have allowed the pop-gun war council to be held i 
^ans, a council blown to nothing by tlie moderation of Russia Th 
xrogress must be held in London; and the place no other than th 
Utnce of Mr. Punch ! 

With the conviction that all England will heartily accept this pro 
position, Mr. Punch, with the energy of a true patriot, has already -on 
to work to prepare his Office as the future Council-chamber. Learnini 
that biRAHAN, the banker, has been set to chair-making in the Peni 
tentiary, Mr. Punch, has given orders for a sufficient number of new 
chairs (without arms, for they are not to be slept in) to accommodate 
srtain of the representatives of the crowned heads. As peace is to be 
treated on the broadest basis, measures will be taken for the chairs 
accordingly. In consideration of the patent piety of holy Russia, the 
chair provided for her plenipotentiary will be bottomed with rushes from 
the waters of Jordan. The Austrian chair will be seated with bank-paper 
typical of the foundation of the Austrian Government: further in com- 
pliment to the support afforded to Austria by Roman Concordat the 
;s of the chair will be painted a bright scarlet. The Turkish Pleni- 
Jtiary will of course squat npon a divan, very nicely covered with 
silver bear-skin. Did we live in days of sterner justice, we know not 
it, alter the manner of ZISKA, we wonld not also devote a portion oi 
ie skin of a certain Ambassador, who, it is said, continues to have 
'cry ugly dreams of Kars. We suppose there will be no keeping 
rroMU away ; therefore her plenipotentiary will be duly provided for 
.GLADSTONE will no doubt, supply a cushion for the chair, com^ 
posed of the softest Berlm wool; and MR. COBDEN, in his old 
tion of Prussia as the " brain of Germany," is expected to subscribe 
a night-cap of the best Manchester cotton: not that Prussia is to be 
aUowed to go to sleep, to which end it has been suggested that the 
seat of Berlin wool should be very thickly powdered with glass, ground 
from champagne bottles. The seat for the Englah Minister 
[FALiCERSTON of .course) is already prepared, being no other than the 
chair of heart of Lnglish oak, the chair made out of timber of SIR 
j*AKcia DHAXE'S ship that had gone round the world, a chair duly 



sung by the ingenuous ABRAHAM COWLEY, a relic chair worthy of the 
3 universal g enil w of our HENBT, VISCOUNT 



The seats being provided, Mr. Punch will take due care that the 
floor shall every morning be beautifully chalked, (after designs by his 
Se7tPT d ? ar /V Sts) - f f # a lovely allegory.of Justice, not forgetting 
,t 'f h \ r V?" Wlth ^ ^ ritlsh Llon significantly pointing them 
out with, his right paw, and looking very hard at the Russian E^gle, as 
though insisting upon the said Eagle's coming down with the All. 
Ur Punches a twofold reason for the employment of chalk. In the 
,nH tV"*' material is touchmgly suggestive of the cost of the war 
and the consequent addition made to the National Debt : in the next 
ill the more readily show at the close of every Conference, which 
' ~ 3 1| been f ^ f th ?, most shufflin g on the subject in debate 

M ' i A 5 e *\,? oe will be significantly decorated. 
- glazed> Wl11 be hun S a cnoice selection of Mr. 
' c^C'ence-pricking, rib-shaking designs: 
m ,f v * ' M? V ? de u h s hted and appaUed the good an J 

lis suwfm^wr^h T' ?r' "v l b I e , huDg ? p the many scalps taken in 
Seek H^n^ ^ fi ' P *?* ff m the heads of Humbug, Cant, 
an \Prv P nn^' f M ^^ W rOD f ' Sucl1 8cal P s ^^ot do Otherwise 
leads P werfull y Weal to the sympathies of certain crowned 



Punch 



, Mf. Punch as a patriot and an Englishman, reso- 
.to keep the Congress to its work; he will also not 
lies required of him as a host and a gentleman Mr 
^ ./. wui, mere/ore, charge himself with the duty of conductine the' 
hS^th/^r 1 ^'Various places of amusement after Confres 
vrS}55SSSZ& be "SH^ aCC rding to tb P ro ^ ress ma de 
hev shT HP rpl" P tl f ' T - hl i S ' rf they have been 8tu P' d and slow, 

S.mJtsK! f the ,Profoundest conviction that at his Office only 
>, rleet street, can the spf.fl/. m ^f f w,,. u- _/!-._!_: w .^ lv ' li ""JJ 1 * 



DU V 1 ' C v Wi11 be g ' Ven f the first Mie * l of the Congress 
A.fl. Mo smoking allowed; and hours of sitting from .10 fo 4. 



FEBRUARY 2, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



49 



THE- PREDICAMENTS OF PLUSH. 

UR 'friend JENKINS, of the 
Morning Post, will get him- 
self into trouble if he does 
not mind what he is about. 
He boasts, not untruthfully, 
in his leading articles, that 
he receives information from 
very great people. But very 
great people will not con- 
tinue to give him information, 
if he cannot remember a mes- 
sage when his fellow-footman 
gives it him. If he is allowed 
to ring the Servants' Bell, 
and to get JEAMES or 
CHAWLES to ask the valet 
or the lady's-maid to find out 
from my Lord or my Lady 
whether Prussia is friendly, 
or what milliner is to supply 
LADY EVANGBLINE'S trous. 
seau, JENKINS must really 
mind the answer that is sent 
down to him, and not joke 
with the under-servants, or 
badiner (as he would say) 
with the baker, until his mind 
is unfitted for the reception 
and retention of information. 
Of his millinery blunders we 
need say nothiner, the way 
the poor fellow gets quizzed 
by the housemaids on these 
points is enough; but if 
LOED PALMEBSTON or M. DE 
PERSIGNY sends him down a 
scrap of war news, JENKINS 
should attend to the words. 
The scandal of his tremendous announcement in large letters, and as " Latest Intelligence," 
that " On the fall of Sebastopol, the Russian Fleet had left Nicoliey for Archangel and 
Astrakan," had scarcely ceased, when he recklessly terrified us again with the tidings 
that the Russian army had received a great reinforcement. Luckily he mentioned the 
name of the General whose Russian division he imagined had been thus strengthened, and as 
this personage happened to be a French General of Division, the funds were not percep- 
tibly agitated. But this sort of thing cannot go on, and though JENKINS, in his jaunty 
way, alleges that the dowagers, milliners, and menials, who are his chief patrons, know no 
better, and that one word is as good as another for them, his "sources of information " will 
he stopped up if he does not recollect his position and his messages. Let this be a hint to 
him, as he swings his manly leg through the area rails, and chaffs the cook while CHAWLES 
tnes to see master.. 
With our veneration for JENKINS'S general accuracy, we should hesitate to condemn any- 




body on his unsupported testimony, and we 
therefore say at once that we have not collated 
the works, of which we are going to speak, 
with JENKINS'S quotations. But we happened 
to see that in the curious heap of common- 
place twaddle, called Snorts and Scratches, 
by virtue of which the Morning Post is sup- 
posed to assume a literary character, JENKINS 
brings in the names of GOETHE and DR. WHE- 
WELL, in order to introduce a splendid bit of 
servants' hall morality. GOETH-E, (whom JEN- 
KINS in private life pardonably calls GOATY,) 
is taken to task for having treated woman s 
affection too lightly, and for having sacrificed 
hearts to his ambition. DR. WHEWELL is re- 
primanded for having written (according to 
JENKINS) that a promise of marriage may be 
fulfilled in an immoral manner, that is to say, 
when the feelings that induced the formation 
of the engagement have ceased, and when it is 
better that such a promise should be cancelled, 
and one party left to remorse, and the other to 
grief, than that a mocking union of mere hands 
should take place. 

Of GOATY we need say nothing. A man has a 
right to remain unmarried, but if he indulge in 
vivisection, that is, JENKINS, lacerating hearts 
for whim or for experiment, he is simply a rascal. 
But Da. WHEWELL'S doctrine was evidently 
calculated to outrage the Servants' Hall. What 
no marriage when perhaps the chancy and plate 
is bought, and domestics is engaged, and the 
trucso bordered, and a ouse taken? "What," 
says JENKINS, "a man cannot command his 
feelings, but he can keep his promise." " In 
course," replies the butler, " if a man 's an honest 
man, let him act as such." "Ah! you speak 
like a gentleman, MR. JENKINS." sighs the lady's 
maid. " A man's word 's his bond," says 
CHAWLES. " Take my life, take my honour," 
says JEAMES. " And no mistake," squeaks little 
Buttons. " What 's a marriage," continues 
JENKINS, encouraged by the approbation of his 
fellow servants. " What 's feelins to do with it P 
Is there settlements ? Is there a hincome ? Do 
the parties move in the same spear ? Is it, in 
Pact, Heligible ? " And if these questions can 
be answered in the affirmative, the union is a 
marriage : if not according to anything so Com- 
mon as the Prayer Book, according to JENKINS 
and the Morning Post. 

So now, young ladies, you know what the foot- 
man behind your carriage means by a Marriage. 



THE NIGHTINGALE AT OXFORD. 

SAMUEL, of Oxford has, very properly, been dropping words of oil 
into the locks of Oxford money-boxes. The Bishop's sentences had 
the required beauty, according to the Portuguese canon, of the sonnet, 
beginning in a key of silver, and closing with a key of gold. Besides 
SAMUEL of Oxford, there is SAMUEL of Bolt Court, Fleet Street; 
namely, SAMUEL JOHNSON, who must be heard in advocacy of the 
Nightingale Fund. " Sir," said JOHNSON, the conversation running 
upon the young poets in his student-days at Oxford, "Sir," said 
JOHNSON, " we were a nest of singing-birds." We have no doubt that, 
in the present case, Oxford will keep up its repute, by sending to the 
.Nightingale 1 und a very numerous deputation of melodious goldfinches. 



The Pen and the Sword. 

THE people have given swords to the soldiers of the War, where- 
we should 1 hey nof. give testimonial pens to the chroniclers thereof ? 
Why should not WILLIAM RUSSELL have his pen of diamonds, no 
diamond brighter than his own pen's point P Why should he not have 
his testimonial standish of purest gold ; for can the Euxine itself con- 
tain greater treasures than WILLIAM RUSSELL has drawn from his 
Crimean ink-bottle, his own Black Sea ? 



A TESTIMONIAL WANTED. 

WHEN will LORD STRATFORD DE REDCLIPFE, the Eaglish Ambas- 
sador at Constantinople, be presented by bis Government with the 
good old Turkish, testimonial of the Sack? 



FULNESS OF DRESS. 

IT was announced, the other day, that LORD PALMERSTON would 
give, on the 30th instant, a " full-dress " Parliamentary banquet. Our 
phrase, "full-dress banquet," must puzzle foreigners; especially 
Americans. Is full dress exceptional at an English dinner, and are the 
guests usually half-naked? Is the banquet in general only partially 
dressed and never thoroughly done but on great occasions ? These are 
questions that must perplex the stranger; who may perhaps also 
wonder, whether a full-dress dinner does not mean that ample kind of 
meal the consumer whereof is, in a popular metaphor, described as 
" blowing his jacket out." 



Noble Magnanimity on the Fart of a British Nobleman. 

IT is said that LORD JOHN, the moment he heard the earliest 
rumour of the probability of a Peace Congress, rushed off in the 
greatest haste to LOBD PALMERSTON, and, in the most generous spirit, 
offered his services to the Government as England's representative. 

A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT. 

LAST year LORD JOHN postponed his Reform Bill in consequence of 
the War. 

This year you will see that he will postpone it in consequence of the | 
Peace. 

A PUFFING ADVERTISEMENT RATIONALLY ANSWERED. "What 
Magazine shall we take this year ? " The biggest in Cronstadt. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 2, 185G. 




TRULY DELIGHTFUL! 

GALLOPING DOWN THE SIDE or A FIELD COVERED WITH MOLE-HILLS, ON A WEAK-NECKED HORSE, WITH A SNAPFLE BRIDLE, ONE 

Poor OCT or YOUB STIRRUP, AND A BIT OF MUD IN YOUR EYE ! 



MRS. BURDEN'S VIEW OF PEACE. 



THEY say we "re to have Peace : I hope it isn't mere imagination ; 
For candles, brushes, string, and soap, has risen up to ruination : 
And what we 've had to pay for bread ! of War that gives one some idea, 
Not to say nothing of the dead and wounded in that there Crimea. 



Bat if so be their terms is pure and simple, then the chance I 'd seize an, 
I'm quite agreeable, I'm sure, to anything in rhyme and reason ; 
I wouldn't wish at all to fight, if we can help it, one more battle, 
No more than COBDEN or JoiiN BRIGHT, or any of that sort of cattle. 



Than me there 's neither of the pair can wish less harm to anybody, 
Although I own I can't abear your nasty divil's dust and shoddy. 
I Glad should I be of Peace restored, if 'twas on safe and sound conditions; 

Then there's that plaguy Income-Tax,that rides, as I may say, a-straddle, Poor me can very ill afford to pay for these here expeditions. 

And sticks upon our breaking backs just like a monkey in a saddle ; 

Which, if the War goes longer on, in course expenses will redouble, 

And what we must depend upon is dearer things and further trouble. 

But there ; if I "ve a thing to do, my maxim always is to do it ; 
If I've a job for to go through, I makes my mind up to go through it. 
'Tis all the same, I don't care what washing, or ironing, or scrubbing, 
And if so be as we have got to give them Rooshans there a drubbing. 

I never leaves my work half done a stocking or a gqwnd half mended ; 
What has to be agin begun is twice the time afore 'tis ended ; 
And what I finds with needlework is found.I'm certain sure, with nations; 
So don't be led away to quirk and quiddle with negotiations. 

Up with your broom or rolling-pin, and put a stop to all discussi9ns ; 
Don't let yourselves be wheedled in to shilly-shally by the Prussians, 
Nor Austrians neither ; mighty fine to offer now their interference ! 
Why didn't they ah, drat 'em ! jine our side upon the first appearance ? 

Oh ! I am up to all tkeir tricks to wait and see' which was the stronger, 
I say, confound their politics ! I'd make 'em wait a little longer ; 
Deceit if any dares practise upon me I grows quite rampagious, 
And that I hope you'll do likewise unless their terms is aawantageous. 

Don't let the nick of time go by whilst you 're a humming and a hawing, 
And higgle haggle, all my eye ! nor lose a precious hour in jawing ; 
Don't let such rogues as them amuse, and coax, and cozen you with 

writin", 
Backards and forards, whilst you lose whatever you have won by fightin'. 



But there it says, what must be must, and that is what there 's no 

denying, 

Which in the same I puts my trust, the POPE and all his works defying ; 
And though it seems, to throw away our preparations like, distressiu', 
Yet still for Peace I hope and pray, for arter all it is a blessin'. 

" The City Purse." 

TUB Times, dealing with proposed oaths for Income-Tax payers, 
says " When there is a talk of oaths, it must be remembered that we 
have to deal with the elasticity of the commercial conscience in_ its 
most elastic direction." This sort of conscience is admirably illus- 
trated m a novelty, called " The City Purse." It matters not, how 
much money you have in it, or how the money has been obtained; 
for there is an'elastic band, (or conscience) a loop of india-rubber, 
that keeps the money ail tight, and worn in your breast-pocket 
where all money should be, " nearest your heart." 

Scandal upon Louis Napoleon. 

THERE runs a story, Russian of course, that when Louis NAPOLSON, 
seated with the War Council, first learned the news of Russia's 
acceptance of peace, he was so affected that he swooned ! It is a com- 
mon figure of speech to knock a man down with a feather ; but here is 
an EMPEROR of iron floored by a canard, a duck ; and that, too, a 
Russian duck. The EMPEROR, it may be certain, had no fit ; at, the 
very most, it was only a feint. 



ftiatjd br William Bradbury, at No. 13, Upper Wotmrn Place, and Frederick Mnllett E.ins, of No. 19, Quten'a Roac. West, KtR.-nf s Part, both In 'the Pamh of St. PancMa, In the County otMi<Mjf sex, 
PrnWrs, at their Office in Lombard Sirwt, ID the Precinct at \Vbittfrtari in the City ol London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Pariih of il..Br.ile, .n the i j 01 



FEBRUARY 9, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



51 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

HE SPEECH from (lie 
Throne was not (as here- 
tofore usual) given in out- 
line to the daily press, 
for publication on the 
morning of the day on 
which Parliament as- 
sembled. Very pretty 
excuses were courteously 
assigned for this change ; 
but the reason was, that 
it had been thought pro- 
per to consult Mr. 
Punch, and the EMPE- 
ROR Louis NAPOLEON, 
upon the phraseology. 
The former distinguished 
individual, with his habi- 
tual promptitude, had 
struck out a good deal 
of nonsense which the 
Ministers had stuck in, 
and bad somewhat 
amended the grammar. 
The neat little antithesis 
about the War in the 
south and the Treaty in 
the north, and the happy 
phrases by which the achievements of the English and .French armies 
are acknowledged and distinguished, are Mr. Punch's ; but he must 
add, that all his emendations have not been introduced into the Speech, 
as printed, and some stupid tautology has been retained. Tbe excuse 
for this is, that the EMPEROR or THE FRENCH detained the courier, 
so that the morniug train from Paris was missed, and the Speech, 
jointly corrected and approved by the two great men, was not 
given to LORD CRANWORTH, to be copied fair, until Thursday morning, 
January 31st, and as he writes very slowly, and his fingers were very 
cold, the papers did not get it in time. 





nai, j. yriii , uui/ j. win iciaA. iiciLijiu imiiutM laur Jiavill Jjrcpo 

until those objects are secured." But custom dictated and PALMER- 
STON wrote a dozen or so of paragraphs, and indeed it would have been 
a pity, had the QUEEN remained no longer on the Throne than was 
necessary to deliver those words. Tor the ladies, who throng the House 
upon these state occasions, came pouring in for two hours the dow- 
agers looking a trifle less disagreeable than usual, and the young 
matrons and maidens appearing a great deal more rosy and healthy 
than they will look at the prorogation after the season. A briefer 
address would have deprived the House of Ladies of an opportunity 
of appreciating the scene of which they were the most charming 
constituents. 

The Speech, therefore, recorded the fall of Sebastopol, the inter- 
meddling of Austria, her being allowed to employ her " good offices," 
the hopes that certain conditions would prove the foundation of a 
general treaty, the selection of Paris for the discussion, the undertaking 
not to relax preparations, the treaty with Sweden, and another treaty 
one with Chili, the basis of which is supposed to] be pickles. The 
Commons were told that the estimates were coming, and the QUEEN 
added, with becoming confidence, that she relied on the spirit and 
patriotism of her people for continued support. Several suggestions 
were made for domestic legislation, and as it may be convenieut, at the 
prorogation, to see which of these have not been futile, Mr. Punch will 
just chalk them up. Assimilation of the Commercial law of England 
and Scotland. Improvement of the Law of Partnership. Relief of 
Merchant Shipping from local dues and passing tolls (could not the 
relief of London from belfry tolls, by drunken sextons, be included ?), 
and finally, other important measures " for improving the law." This 
last ingeniously elastic phrase was Mr. Punch's ti will include any- 
thing, from the abolition of Holywell Street to a revision of the 
Constitution. 

Lords and Commons, in the evening, of course took the Speech into 
consideration. The Echoes, in uniform, answered with more distinct- 
ness than usual. Then, in the Lords, the EARL OF DERBY proceeded 
to regret, that the Speech was " bald," which he thought hard when 
there were so many Whigs in the Cabinet. He found fault with it for 
not mentioning India and the Colonies, and professing warm interest 
therein ; but there was a triumphant answer to this, which somehow 
LORD CLARENDON missed namely, that it would have been a cruel insult 
to the Indians and Colonists, did a Ministry affect to care for them, 
after confiding their interests to two such people as VERNON SMITH 
and LABOUCHERE. The EARL thought enough had not been said about 

VOL. xxx. 



the Army, an impertinence of which he would not have been guilty had 
he known that Mr. Punch had revised the Speech ; and he complained 
that, while the Chili vinegar was mentioned, nothing was said of the 
Sardinian oil including the anointed VICTOR. He also lamented that 
the fall of Kars had not been made a topic in a congratulatory 
address ; and he was specially vexed that in the presence of the 
American representative, something calculated to rub a scratch into a 
wound was not introduced, in reference to MR. FRANKLANO PIERCE'S 
election dodges. The life-peerage to BARON PAHKE also came into 
his Lordship's highly relevant, harangue, but it is fair to say that he 
(did not complain that the QUEEN had not mentioned it. Having 
! carped at every point in an oration occupying four close columns, he 
urged that everybody should assent to the Address, which cordially 
concurs with every word in the Speech. LORD CLARENDON mentioned 
that he was going to Paris as our negotiator, complimented the 
EMPEROR OP RUSSIA on his " moral courage," and explained his own 
irlea that the peace ought to be "honourable" to Russia. It is 
pleasant to see that, the great care the ABERDEEN Cabinet professed 
for the " dignity " and " honour " of Russia is shared by the 
PALMERSTON Cabinet. Let us hope BRUNOW will not snub CLARENDON, 
and tell him to mind his own business, as he, B, decidedly means to do. 
LORD GRANVILLE said that the PARKE peerage was not given for 
political reasons, a defence which had nothing to do with the matter ; 
and LORD CAMPBELL, who has grabbed two hereditary peerages, 
grumbled about the "unlawfulness" of this small honour to a brother 
judge. The lawyer lords are to discuss the matter. The Address waa 
agreed to. 

In the Commons, MR. DISRAELI, in order to show the singular una- 
nimity of Opposition, approved the Speech, both for what it said, and 
what it did not say, and especially lauded the part about the Army, 
selected for abuse by LORD DERBY. For the rest, DIZZY'S language 
could not have been more sensible, or creditable, had he been in the 
least in earnest. The PREMIER patted him on the head, and explained 
that he, PALMEHSTON, was delighted to have Parliament at his back, so 
long as it kept there, and did not come forward to interfere with his 
negotiations. This way of looking at the matter did not exactly 

Satify either MR. ROEBUCK or GENERAL EVANS, who insisted that the 
ouse ought to know all about the negotiations as they proceeded, 
and to express its views thereon. However, difference of opinion does 
not alter friendship, in these days ; and the unanimity of the Lords 
was anticipated by the Commons, who beat the aristocrats by half an 
hour, rising at 7 30. 

So passed the first day of the Session. How much more will Mr. 
Punch be able to say has been " done " when he records the last P 

Friday. The PARKE peerage has terribly discomposed the Heredi- 
taries, and all the great lawyers are preparing enormous speeches to 
prove that the creation for life is a violation of the constitution. One 
tact, however, HER, MAJESTY may take from LORD CHANCELLOR PONCH, 
namely, that her Royal ancestors have created similar dignities, and 
another fact, which is equally at his gracious Mistress's service, is, 
that such creations are wise, just, ancfpopular. LORD LYNDHURST 
gave notice of his onslaught upon the WENSLEYDALE patent, but will 
probably withdraw it after reading this intimation that fie is all wrong. 

The Commons have sat but twice, and VINCENT SCULLY, from 
Ireland, has intruded himself thrice upon their attention. First, he 
snatched a subject with which he has no business whatever, and which 
bis advocacy is enough to render unpopular, the Sunday opening of 
exhibitions. Secondly, he came in with the canting complaint that 
Ireland was wronged, because the Speech did not promise a law for 
transferring a landlord's property to a tenant. Thirdly, he appealed to 
LORD PALMERSTON to interrupt the important business now before 
Government, and to undertake to pass a bill for effecting the above 
object. This bill was the machine with which PAH so cleverly used 
the Irish to upset the Disraelites, and then threw the Irish themselves 
on their backs last session. This time, having no need of the Hibernian 
free lances, PAM burst out laughing in SCULLY'S face. Now VINCENT 
had better " shut up," for despite his awfully long tongue, he never 
did and never will convince the House ot anything but that he, 
VINCENT SCULLY, is an abominable Bore. 

A splendid and notable achievement followed. Nobody who notices 
effrontery can forget the Guards' Memorial, whereby the QUEEN was 
prayed to give back exclusive privileges to the Household Infantry. 
Nobody forgets what names were appended to that modest petition 
F. M. the PRINCE CONSORT'S, GEORGE OP CAMBRIDGE'S, and other 
heroic signatures. PALMERSTON bad the choice satisfaction of apprising 
the world, on Friday, through the red tape lips of MR. FREDERICK 
PEEL, that the distinguished warriors who had approached the Throne 
with this Beggar's Petition, were actually incapable of comprehending 
the real state of the case ; that they did not understand the true working 
of the system they adorned, and finally, that there was no "prospect" 
of their request being granted. So awful a snub has seldom been given 
and, administered through FRED PEEL too ! 

Government, with great frankness, announced that it did mean to do 
something with the Education Question; but that a measure which is 
to be introduced is to be " neither large nor comprehensive." Nobody 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1856. 



is disappointed. Rather more hopeful is the statement that, we are to 
have a Minister of Education. LOUD JOHN RUSSELL wants the place ; 
but LORD PALMEBSTON is understood to have asked him how, with his 
principles, lie could set a charity-child D. WATTS' Hymn Against 
Deceiving and Telling Wicked Stories, lie mentioned, this evening, 
that he thought there ought, to be a vote of thanks to the Army ; for- 
getting, with his usual i hat it. is no thanks to him and his 
confederates that we have any Army to thank. SIR JOHN PAKINGTON 
stated the gratifying fact, that Thirty Counties have established 
Juvenile Reformatories ; though, unfortunately, not two are on the same 
principle. SIR GGOKGE GKEY could not see that this offered any 
reason for Government, interference. MR. ROBERT LOWE in a masterly 
speech, introduced two reallv valuable measures on Partnership and 
Joint-Stock Associations; and they were approved by several Members, 
including MR. J. G. PFHLLIMORE, who singularly omitted to quote 
either the Delectus, EUTHOPIUS, or CORNELIUS Ntiros, in support of 
his argument. Perhaps some juvenile member of his family has taken 
the books to school. 



THE HEALTH OF LONDON. 

NE of the most dis- 
tingue and corpulent 
butlers in Belgrave 
Square has been dan- 
gerously ill. On Mon- 
day morning he was in 
possession of his usual 
rude health, but towards 
noon he was incau- 
tiously served with an 
Income-Tax paper ! It 
was observed at the 
time that he changed 
colour his fiue ruddv 
countenance turning all 
at once from a rich 
fruity port to a delicate 
pale sherry. It soon 
became evident that 
the shock had been 
too much for his pam- 
pered frame. About 
seven o'clock (l.he 
respected gentleman's 
customary dinner-hour) 
he was seized with a 
shivering fit, which ter- 
minated about supper- 
time in an alarming 
attack of gout. SIR 
BENJAMIN BRODIE was 
immediately sent for, 
and was unremitting in his attentions, though he gave the bereaved 
family plainly to understand that they must prepare themselves for the 
worst. The above melancholy event, has cast a sad gloom over many 
an aristocratic area in Belgravia. The thoughtless tax-gatherer has 
been severely censured by his friends. 



THE "LILY AND THE BEE" AT MIDHURST. 

MR. WABBEN proposes to stand for Midhurst; but hitherto the 
I electors complain that thev are ignorant of the decided principles he 
intends to stand upon. MR. WARREN has therefore become very cate- 
gorical and distinct. He has just finished an address (in every way 
worthy of the gifted author of The Lily end the Bee: it is, by the 
way, in the like no measure to that world-wide production) that must 
satisfy the most punctilious constituent. Mr. Punch has been favoured 
| with an early copy. 




It was Walpoffi's seat ! it seemed 
but. yesterday ! 

To-day is come where 's Walpole 
now? 

(But such is life !) 

In Cambridge not in Midhurst ! 

Mutable fact ! 

It was ten in the morning, anti 
I read the Times ! 

(I always do but I'll not be 
tedious) 

Midhurst was vacant, Walpole was 
not there ! 

A vacant seat a seat that stamps 
M.P. upon the sitte^ .' 

Mysterious thrillings shot through- 
out my frame ! 

I'll sit upon that seat, M.P. for 

Midhurst ! 
Thus, my friends and brethren 

Brethren all, of that red earth com- 
posed, 

That made primeval Adam, 

Your votes I ask ask like a man, 

Not crouch for like a snake, 

A snake, bedropt with gold, whose 
orient spots 

Too oft are typical of tin, 

Of tin corrupt, corrupting ! 
Brethren all, my principles 

(How oft the election fiend hath 
chuckled at the sound !) 

Are from the fount of purity, 
whence stars 



Look down, like winking, upon all ; 
Return'd to Parliament, those 
stars 

(Such is the life of senator) 

May often shine upon my home- 
ward walk 

To downy bed ! 

Those stars be then my silver wit- 
nesses 

Of every vote, its purity and weight, 

As tested in angelic balance ! 
Attentive to your local interests, 

Ever will be SAMCEL! 

No Hamadryad that sigh'd forth 
her life. 

When fell the yew-tree 

For your parish-pump, 

(Tis thus utility defiles the woods !) 

Mure constant than yourjWARREN, 

Hull's Recorder ! 

Oxford's Doctor ! ! 

Diarist of famed Physician's Diar- 
rhoea ! ! ! 

Coiner of " Ten Thousand per an- 
num," 

That is A Tear, on paper ! ! ! ! 

And with full-toned diapason to 
conclude, 

Of Lily and the See 

The silver singer ! ! ! ! ! 

Gentle constituents.Essay SAMUEL ! 

Brethren of Midhurst, 

TRY WABHEN ! 



Puns for Parliament. 

MK. BAXTER, who seconded the Address in the House of Commons, 
irade a very earnest appeal to the waverers to give their support to 
the Government. The honourable Member's speech having been espe- 
cially directed to the doubting portion of his hearers, may be aptly 
described as BAXTER'S Call to the Unconverted. A wag, who observed 
that a Member, who is rather notorious for his sanctity, had fallen j 
asleep over the speech in question, compared it to BAXTER'S Sainfs 
Rest. 

S 

" The Virgin of Sorrows." 

THE Queen of Spain, touched by a sense qf the cold weather, has 
just given a new cloak ornamented with garnets to the value of 200,000 
reals, to " a st.atue of the Virgin of Sorrows." There are many sorrow- 
ful virgins in England, children and orphans of Spanish bondholders, 
who would feel obliged to her Majesty for a similar amount of reals to 
be bestowed upon sorrows, not in stone, but in tlesh and blood. 



SEBASTOPOL BLUE BOOK: ERRATA. 

THE Sevastopol Blue Book of 230 pages has appeared. Since 
CAXTON'S first press first creaked in Westminster, there never has been 
printed a more terrible volume. (We hope the rumour is not true, but 
it is reported that MR. Centra has expressed his determination to 
translate the work into Russian ; his knowledge of the language being 
at once so delicate and profound, that it is hard at times to detect the 
Member for the West Riding from a real Muscovite.) After reading 
this book so shocking a comment on the administration of 1844-5 we 
teel that there are heads that ought to doff coronets for foolscaps. The 
Times, speaking of the Sebastopol Blue Pill, says : 

"The words 'delay,' 'deficiency,' 'want of (something or other), ' unaccountable 
neglect, and such like indices ot censurable conduct, occur in almost every page." 

Here, 3fr. Punch begs to suggest the adoption of errata to be printed 
on a fly-leaf. Thus : for " delay," " deQciency," read " red tnpe : " for 

want of read "routine," and for "unaccountable neglect," emphati- 
cally read " cold shade." 



MILITAKY INTELLIGENCE. 

* i to b ^ sent toSiberia 

himself a traitor to the Lrnperor's cause. 



proved 



A Saucy King the less. 

i THE . la st Indian mail announces our intention of annexing the King- 
Uozn ot Oude. The fact is, we can no longer put up with " The KING 
OF CODE s Sauce." That popular condiment will, henceforth, be sold 
as Company's Relish." 

WHY NOT GAIN EVERY WAY f 

(A Hint for Cumlridge.) 

WAXPOLE, if beat, to Midhurst goes, no doubt. 
You Ve faun and D.JNMAX in and WARREN out. 



"ui.. "*,"" '"5,, 1 " 1 UC J ttlc UA.IOUS M nave no nous-," do not appoint a Woman to 
t is expected that GENERAL count it ; tor it is a well-known law in numbers, that no woman, let her 
FEVRIER will, for a similar act of treachery, soon share his captivity. | be ever so old, can succeed in counting as far as forty 



FEBRUARY 9, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



53 



A HORROR IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS. 

THE appearance of n 
crow was once con- 
sidered ominous. In 
the House of Lords, at 
the opening of Parlia- 
ment, occurred a re- 
markable apparition of 
a bird of that feather. 
According to an eye- 
witness of the pa- 
geant ; 

"The diplomatic corps 
had already mustered in 
considerable strength, and 
in every variety of official 
costume, when the Ameri- 
can Minister ' sloped iu ' in 
plain evening dress." 

A gentleman in a 
plain black coat 'amid 
that variegated assem- 
bly must have ex- 
hibited very much 
the appearance of the 
bird above mentioned 
among a multitude of 
peacocks, pheasants, 
parrots, birds of para- 
dise, and flamingos. 
No doubt the indi- 
vidual in question 
excited feelings of 

disgust and contempt, if not horror, in the minds of many of those about him, and of his 
other beholders, by not appearing in embroidered, illuminated, laced, and gilt habiliments, 
and the report of the contempt which he thus manifested for our more intelligent taste will 
be perused with heartfelt indignation, not only by many a gentleman, but also by many a 
gentleman's gentleman, who prides himself upon his epaulette, 'and exultsln his cockade, and 
rejoices in his plush. 

Under existing circumstances the American minister must have looked particularly like a 
crow, and an unlucky bird. Was not the EARL OF DERBY especially struck with the coinci- 
dence between the spectacle of that horrid man and the case of LORD WENSLEYDALE P Did 
not the unadorned, uncoloured, nnblazing, lacklustre American before him, foreshadow to 
him a shocking notion of the future House of Lords the.idea of what vulgar intellect regards 
as a rational peerage P 

The resemblance of the American minister among the diplomatic personages to a crow 
surrounded by splendid fowls, is perceived by looking at him in the sensible point of view 




and the higher light. Too probably, however, 
some low minds may exibt, disposed rather to 
compare him, as he appeared in the Hou?e of 
Lords, to a well-dressed gentleman who had 
chanced to look in at a masquerade. . 



THE FROZEN-OUT PEACE-MONGERS. 

KIND Christian friends, oh ! lend an ear, 

And also lend an 'and, 
T6 the poor froze-out Peace-mongers 

As short of work do stand ; 
For the bread it 's took out of our mouth?, 

Wich it 's 'ard in a Christian land. 

Our hard 'arn'd living we did get, 

On platform and with pen, 
By growing flowers of rhetoric 

And a pamphlet now and then, 
Upon the War which we work'd the same 

As honest labouring men. 

We grubb'd up all the laurels 

Them warlike evergreens 
We planted holives everywhere 

As thick as pease and beans, 
And sow'd non-resistance broad-cast 

To the best of our small means. 

There 's RICHARD COBDEN and JOHN BRIGHT, 

And JOSKPH STURGE also, 
And there is MR. GILPIN 

Of Paternoster Row ; 
We don't know what to talk about, 

Which is a grievous go ! 

We must sing small, that look'd so big, 

And talk'd so wei y stout, 
For here 's the War has been and gone 

And brought a Peace about, 
And Rooshia ! she has knuckled down, 

Whereby we are froze out ! 



THE ENGLISH CLEARING-HOUSE SYSTEM. 
Come, Gentlemen, you really must go. The 

Bar's closed, and I 'm going this very minute to 

turn off the gas ! " 



THE QUEEN'S SPEECH. 

VERY soon, no QUEEN'S Speech will be visible to the naked eye. It 
is the pathetic complaint of LORD DERBY, that every Session, the 
Speech grows smaller and smaller. Whole chapters have been written 
in the circumference of a silver penny: m a Session or two, LORD 
PALMERSTON may carry the QUEEN'S Speech on one of his shirt- 
studs. LORD DERBY lurther complained, that the Speech was mere 
water-gruel! If this be true, what a graceless compliment to the 
QUEEN ; whose melodious voice, it is allowed by all hearers, is worthy, 
with the little girl in the fairy story, to utter pearls and diamonds : 
not that we can expect HER MAJESTY to drop pearls before Parliament. 
LORD DERBY, however, makes the QUEEN'S lips drop oatmeal. His 
Lordship, moreover, savagely criticises the style of the Speech. He 
says : ' We are not accustomed to look in documents of this kind for 
ornaments of style, or for any great elegance of diction or language." 
We know that old COBBETT has, in his Grammar especially written for 
soldiers, sailors, 'prentices, and plough-boys, many wicked examples of 
bad English in GEORGE THE FOURTH'S Speeches as boldly written for 
him by L9RD CASTLEREAGH: we hoped, however, that we had im- 
proved a little in the literature of lloyal orations since the time of the 
Six Acts. It appears, however, on the authority of the EARL OF 
DERBY, that if we are still to consider the Tnrone the Foun'ain of all 
honour, we are by no means to expect in it the pure well of English 
undefiled. 

The European King. 

JOHN BULL says he isn't going to back out of the Fight with ALIC 
ROMANOFF. The latter may give in, and welcome, if he likes, and 
chooses to forfeit the stakes, but JOHNNY declares that he is quite 

Erne for another mill if called upon. It is all right between him and 
LM the Judicious Bottle-holder, and his money is ready at CORNY 
LEWIS'S shop in Downing Strict. 



ETIQUETTE OF VISITING CARDS. 

WHEN you drop your piece of pasteboard anywhere, even in the very 
genteelest neighbourhood, let it be a piece of pasteboard, and norhing 
more, except in being engraven with your name and address. Do not, 
at any rate, let your card be enamelled. The enamel is prepared from 
lead ; and the process of applying it is stated, ou good authority, to pro- 
duce paralysis of the hands, and other miserable complaints among the 
poor people engaged in this ridiculous manufacture. A shiny card im- 
parts no lustre to the name upon it; but communicates an appearance 
of vulgar glitter to the table or shelf whereon it is deposited. If you 
rejoice in polish, concentrate that quality on your manners, conversation 
and boots. In case you fee! it absolutely necessary to display your taste 
in your visiting-cards, have them embossed ; and then it will be as well 
for you also to wear lace-collars, and shirt-cull's of the same material. 
But escliew those cards that are enamelled ; and which, to the 
enlightened eye, are glazed with what may be called a shine taken out 
of the health of unhappy victims afflicted with palsy and colic. 



Important Resolution at the last Meeting of the " United 
Flunkeys' Association." 

RESOLVED : " That as many noblemen and gentlemen corre?pond 
now by the Electric Telegraph instead of committing their secrets to 
paper, and sending them as before through the Post, it is the opinion 
of the gentlemen of this Club that their salaries ought to be increased I 
proportionately, inasmuch as they have lost the valuable privilege they 
formerly enjoyed of reading their masters' letters, and that measures he 
taken accordingly in all distingue establishments to enforce the same ! " 

Passed unanimously. 

A WATER-GRUEL SPEECH. LORD DERBY, at BROOKES'S, was very 
brilliant, upon the QUEEN'S Speech. " It hadn't, even the smallest 
! piece of Turkey or the slightest flavour of Sardine." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRD-ABT 9, 1856. 




PRACTICAL SCIENCE. 

Grandmamma. "WELL, CHARLEY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU SEEK LEARNING, 
TO-DAY ? " 

Charity. " PNEUMATICS, GBAN'MA ! AND I CAN TELL YOU SUCH A DODOE ! IF I 
WAS TO POT YOU UKDEB A GLASS RECEIVER, AND EXHAUST THE AlB, ALL YOUE 
WRINKLES WOULD COME OUT AS SMOOTH AS GRANDPAPA'S HEAD!" 



HER MAJESTY'S PLEASURE. 

THE Sovereign ought to be, as she is, one of the 
most amiable persons in all ber dominions ; for, judging 
by the variety of insignificant matters that are described 
as "HER MAJESTY'S pleasure," we should say that 
HSR MAJESTY must be very easily pleased. The 
Gazette of the other day furnishes a long list of what 
must be termed Royal Amusements, for we are told in 
every case that " THE QUEEN has been pleased." There 
does not seem to be much enjoyment to be derived from 
certain arrangements connected with the Island of 
Tobago ; nor should we suppose that the approval of a 
ME. LEVISON of Birmingham as Consul for Chili, would 
be the source of much happiness or diversion to the 
mind of 'HER MAJESTY, but we are bound to believe that 
there is a sort of tranquil satisfaction about the matter, 
for we are told by the Gazette that "the QUEEN has 
been pleased." 

With all the kindness of disposition for which HER 
MAJESTY may be remarkable, and with all her readiness to 
be delighted with everything and everybody about her, we 
do not believe that the QUEEN could really have been 
"pleased" to allow one "ROBERT BUSSELL, of Suffolk, to 
take and use the name of PETTIWAHD only, instead of 
that of BUSSELL." We cannot understand the possibility 
of anybody having any pleasure whatever in allowing a 
fellow-creature to call himself by such a name as PETTI- 
WAHD, thouah we admit that BUSSELL is by no means a 
pretty appellation. We are aware that the language of the 
Gazette is in accordance with ancient form ; but, otherwise, 
we should remonstrate against the impropriety of libelling 
HER MAJESTY by the assertion that "the QUEEN was 
pleased" at the fact of one of her subjects \vanting to 
call himself by a very ugly cognomen. 



Coincidences. 

THE Morning Herald announces as "a singular coinci- 
dence in the history of literary statesmanship, that on 
the same day on which MR. MACAULAY took leave of 
political life, MR. SAMUEL WARREN announced his inten- 
tion of commencing his political existence." Almost as 
singular a coincidence occurred on the very same day, 
in the world of zoology. A fine old lion in one of our 
menageries expired, just as birth was given, on an adja- 
cent common, to an exceedingly fine young donkey. Eh, 
Grandmamma ! 



A PASSIONATE PARAGRAPH. 

WE sometimes wonder that the penny-a-liners are not blown away by 
the whirlwind of contending passions that occasionally alternate within 
the limits of a single short paragraph. We can imagine how the breast 
must have been torn and repaired, we can fancy how the bosom must 
have been lacerated and sewn up again, in the course of the concoction 
of the following brief article, in the coarse of which a couple of con- 
flicting emotions alternately predominate. 

" ILLNESS or THE EARL op LISTOWEL. We (Dublin Post) announce with deep 
regret that the noble Earl, who dined on Saturday with his Excellency the Lord 
Lieutenant, lias since been seriously ill. Upon inquiry to-day (Tuesday}, we learn 
with great satisfaction that his Lordship is improving." 

The passage commences with a pathetic declaration of "deep regret," 
but no sooner are we prepared to mix our sympathising sighs with the 
despondent moans of the penny-a-liner, than we are startled with the 
wild ha! ha! of his boisierous mirth, and find ourselves suddenly 
sharing his " great satisfaction." We cannot but admire the Protean 
powers of the paragraph-monger who can box the entire compaSs of his 
passions in four lines, and experience all the depth of regret, and all 
the greatness of satisfaction within a space of time so limited that the 
most consummate actor on the stage could hardly thow the same 
amount of versatility in the same period. Toere can be no doubt that 
if fate had not nude the writer in question a penny-a-liner, genius 
would have fitted him for a tragedian. If he had not been doomed by 
circumstances to write paragraphs for paltry coppers, he might have 
been winning golden opinions on the boaids of RICHARDSON s Show, 
or some other of our Great " National " establishments. 



LEGAL LOGIC. 

Lawyer (to his Client). The case is just this. Your conduct has 
obliged the plaintiffs to take proceedings to prevent your doing a great 
wrong, and having defended yourself until it seems pretty certain that, 
in the end, their right will overcome your supposed might, you now 
wish to withdraw from the contest, ana settle with them. 

Client, i wish to settle the thing, but they say it can only be done 
upon payment of cpsts. 

Lawyer. Which is but just : you have occasioned the costs they have 
been put to, and, ergo, you must pay the piper. 

Client. Why, you might as well say in the War squabble case, that 
the English and French governments ought not to settle with Russia 
without " payment of costs ! " 

Lawyer. In principle that case is directly in point, and on all fours 
with yours ; ergo, according to legal logic, Russia certainly ought to pay 
the costs. 1 will thank you for six shillings and eightpence. 



THE GRAND BUROFEAN BATTLE. 



WE hope that, if a Truce is proclaimed, PALMERSTON in his old 
capacity of the " Judicious Bottle-holder," will take very good care to 
cry out at the proper moment: "Time s up ! " 



Constantine Pleased. Very Ominous. 

LETTERS from St. Petersburg' report the fact, that the people are 
now only anxious to smoke the calumet of peace. " It is again 
affirmed," runs rumour, " that the Grand Duke CONSTASTINB is 
quite as much pleased as his brother, the EMPEROR." This ducal de- 
light is a little suspicious. If CONSTANTINE is pleased with a prospect 
of peace, we incline to believe that the pleasure arises from the hidden 
perfidy that will somehow make the peace hollow as bomb-shell, to 
be exploded with the best mischief at the best opportunity. We sus- 
pect the truthfulness of such sudden conversion. How marvellously 
soon has the Constantine bear become the lamb the Tartar lamb ! 

CASTING A STONE. The prospect of Peace has occasioned MR. 
GLADSTONE to shorten his name by half, and call himself simply GLAD. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 9, 1856. 




STAYING PROCEEDINGS. 

J/r. Bult. "TELL RUSSIA, IF HE DOESN'T SETTLE AT ONCE, I SHALL GO ON WITH THE ACTION.", 



FEBRUARY 9, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



57 



THE "AHABS" OF THE PRESS. 







SHOKT while since, and MR. 
BRIGHT avowed his great 
belief in the humanising, 
elevating influence of the 
press. It was. moreover, 
no secret that MR. BRIGHT 
himself had suffered his 
trading instincts to deal 
with printer's ink. Never- 
theless, mark well the mud, 
bespattered by Ma. BRIGHT 
upon all Newspaper men, 
writers on the War ! 

" I will undertake to say, that 
since the days when AHAB, at the 
bidding of 4^0 prophets, whose 
tongues Satan had globed with lies, 
went up to Ramoth Gilead to 
battle, there has been no greater 
imposition practised upon any 
people than that practised by the 
writers of the public press of Eng- 
land upon us." 

Now MR. BRIGHT has 
done his best and thatjno 
mean part to multiply the 
number of Newspaper 
writers by removing the 
stamp from Newspapers. 
How is it, that he has thus 
heedlessly caused the in- 
crease of the race of Ahabs ? 
How is it, that he should 
have helped to darken the air, as with Egyptian locusts, with lies 
of the public press ? But we presume MR. BRIGHT'S mistake upon 
this. He calculated upon an universal crop of penny Newspapers. 
Lying and corruption were inseparable from the larger price; the 
twopence, threepence, fourpence; but in a penny there would be the 
true ring of true Cliristianity. No Ahab would go to unjust battle 
for such poor pay ; Satan refusing to " glib " a tongue with lies at the 
small cost of one penny ! 



TURKISH ; ANTIC-WITTY. 

WE are sometimes told that folly is short-lived, but this theory has 
been refuted by the fact that a professional buffoon has just expired at 
Constantinople, at the age of upwards of one hundred and twenty. 
This very venerable wag had acted as fool in the Courts of four different 
Sultans, and, up to within a short time of his death, he was called upon 
to make jokes and perform antics. It must have been rather a melan- 
choly spectacle to have witnessed the aged mountebank making feeble 
efforts to stand upon his head a frightful pressure on his grey hairs 
while his jokes must have been, if possible, still more distressing than 
his tumbling, for though the latter would have shown the prostration 
of his physical powers, the former must have exhibited the prostration 
of his intellect. If we had not received the fact on good authority, we 
should not have believed in the existence of the veteran buffoon ; for 
though we often meet with a very old joke, we never yet encountered 
a very old joker. A professional wag would die of laughing at his own 
jokes, if he were not otherwise put out of the way, before the age of 
sixty. 

The Advantages of a good Library. 

ONE of the advantages is keeping a Circulating Library for the use 
of your friends. Some of your books are returned, but the majority 
are lost. Out of those that do find their way back, the greater number 
are enriched with a quantity of pencil marks, and most valuable 
marginal notes. However, you must not suppose you enjoy all the 
privileges of a Circulating Library ; for although you let out books, 
understand clearly that the borrower is by no means answerable for the 
loss of them, any more than you yourself are entitled] to charge two- 
pence a day per volume as long as they are out. 



THE FOGEY FOGEYS. 

ARCHAEOLOGY is making rapid strides, or, perhaps, we should rather 
call them hops, skips, and jumps, in different parts of the Metropolis. 
A few evenings ago, the friends of the Science mustered rather strongly 
at Crosby Hall, when several ladies were present, and the assembly was 
favoured with " An introduction to the objects of the Society, and to 
the antiquities of London and Middlesex." We presume the ladies 
formed no portion of the " objects " and " antiquities " alluded to; but 
the report is so vaguely worded, that we are left in doubt on that 
rather delicate question. One of the Members read a paper containing 
a conjecture that there had been an amphitheatre in Farringdon 
Street ; but he had possibly got hold of the wrong end of the story, as 
well as the wrong end of the street, and was running his head against 
the Surrey, which was formerly an amphitheatre under the title of the 
Circus. Another gentleman took for his subject a piece of Monu- 
mental Brass, which he polished off in about an hour-and-a-half ; and 
another got upon the ruins of Crosby Hall, where lie revelled so enthu- 
siastically among the old brickbats, that he seemed disposed at one 
time to make a night of it. We understand the Society is proceeding 
with so much zeal, as to contemplate the sending of a circular to all 
the great dust contractors, requesting that, if their regular dustmen 
should collect any of the dust of ages, it may be sent to be sifted 
on the Society's'premises. 



ASTONISHMENT OF KEAL NATIVES. 

A NEWSPAPER paragraph records the capture off the Isle of Arran of 
a cod-fish weighing eighteen pounds, in the gullet of which was found 
a spur with the strap attached. The reporter observes : 

'' This unusually strange circumstance has excited no little surprise, and even 
consternation among some of the natives." 

There may be something surprising in the fact of a codfish swallowing 
a spur, and if the codfish had been as big as a whale, that circumstance 
would have been fearfully suggestive. But who can ever suppose that 
an eighteen-pound p9d could swallow a man, until the POPE shall have 
declared the possibility of the thing ex cathedra, and have proposed it 
to the readers of the Univers and the Tablet as a new dogma? 

We cannot think that the capture of a cod-fish with a spur in its 
gullet could have alarmed or appalled any of the inhabitants of Arran ; 
although, if the faculty of rational prevision resides in a particular 
class of molluscous bivalves, we can quite understand that the capture 
of such a cod, with or without such a thing inside of it, may have 
excited very great consternation among such of the natives as might 
have anticipated the probability of being called upon to afford the 
sauce for the fish. 

SLANG IN WESTMINSTER HALL. 

Tine other day LORD CAMPBELL, in his anxiety to save the time of the 
public, recommended Counsel to call a Brougham a " Broom," and MR. 

i HAWKINS, with the same laudable view, suggested to LORD CAMPBELL 
to call Omnibuses " Busses." His Lord-ship immediately acted on the 
hint, and as there seems every disposition in the Court of Queen's 
Bench to carry out the novel idea of saving time by shortening words, 
we have much pleasure in referring the Bench and the Bar to the Flash 
Dictionary, from which many hints for curtailment may be adopted. 
Of course LORD CAMPBELL will never think of using the word gentle- 
man in future, when "Gent" will answer all the purpose, and "Pal" 

! will be an efficient substitute for learned brother. Perhaps a con- 

I ference with the Lord Chief Baron of the Coal Hole might be the 
means of furnishing the Judges of the Queen's Bench with an appro- 

I priate vocabulary, which could be published under the head of Regults 
Generates, and indictments might be shortened by allowing the use of 
the word " fogle," instead of pocket-handkerchief. If the idea is to be 
carried out, we would recommend the appointment of an officer, to be 
called the " flash cove," in place of the present Judges' Associate. 



A Hint for Mr. Drummond. 

SAID EFPENDI, jester to the Sultan, is dead. Sealed tenders, with 
specimen jokes, are to be sent by the first of April, by persons desirous 
of contesting for the place of the droll deceased. N .B. Bow-strings 
abolished; and, in proof of the growing intelligence of the Porte, 
it is not indispensable that candidates should be of the Moslem 
persuasion. 



Peace and Plenty. 

LORD COWLEY, as her Britannic Majesty's representative in Paris, 
will of course be expected to give a banquet to the high contracting 
parties on the ratification of the articles of the peace. Query ? Will 
such a peace be made at the Tuileries as shall ensure anything like 
plenty at the British Embassy ? 



England Cobdenised. 

WHAT the condition of England would be, were the views of 
MB. COBDEN carried out, is pretty clearly expressed ia the title of his 
Muscovite pamphlet : 

" What Next? ANNEXED ! ! ! " 



58 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1856. 




A PERFECT WRETCH. 

Wife. " OH, DON'T SMOKE IN THE DRAWING-ROOM, CHARLES ! You SEVER USED TO BO 

BUCH A THING ! " 

Perfect Wretch. "No, MI DEAR BUT THEN THE FURNITURE WAS QUITE NEW!" 



THE DIRT PIE. 



(BETWEEN JOHN AND JONATHAN.) 

" JONATHAN, JONATHAN, tell me why 

You rake that mud up in the street ? " 
" I guess I'm makin' A dirt pie, 
And I reckon it 's for you to eat. 
Oh, Yes!" "Oh, No!" 
" But you shall, though." 
" Nonsense, JONATHAN, nonsense ! I ? " 
" Yes, you must eat that there dirt pie." 

" Your invitation I regret 

To say that I must quite decline ; 
I never have ate dirt as yet : 
Nor shall that banquet, now be mine." 
"Ob, Yes!" "Oh, No!" 
" You shall do so ; 

That there dirt pie is meant for you ; 
Now that 's a fact so just turn to." 

" JONATHAN, JONATHAN, pooh, pooh, pooh ! 

Your feelings if I ever hurt, 
I'm very sorry." " That won't do. 
So lick UD that there pie of dirt. 
Oh, Yes ! " " Oh, No ! 
Your teeth why show ? " 
" I calculate that I shall grin, 
Till you 've tuck'd that there dirt pie in." 

" JONATHAN, JONATHAN, come, Sir, come ! 

Carry this joke no farther, pray. 
What P are you really quarrelsome, 
Mean vou in earnest, what you say ? " 
"'Oh, Yes!" "Oh, No! 
There, go, go, go ! 

And just don't touch me, whilst you try 
To press upon me that dirt pie." 



POLITICAL HYDROPHOBIA. 

WE are afraid that some political Mad Dogs have got loose, and 
have been running about in the neighbourhood of St. Martin's Hal), 
where they were heard the other night snapping and snarling at every- 
body and everything. We do not consider them dangerous, for though 
they have abundance of jaw, they have no teeth, and it is therefore 
unnecessary to insist on their being muzzled, in conformity with the 
practice adopted towards rabid animals in the ordinary dog days. One 
of these hydrophobic individuals foamed away to the following effect : 
" Shall the people who once took a King into open court, tried him 
before his country, dragged him to the block, and rolled his head on the 
scaffold, shrink from doing justice on Ministers ? " We presume that 
this mouthing maniac would propose to wheel the whole Cibinet off to 
the Tower of London, or perhaps pull up at the nearest block of new 
buildings and take possession of the scaffold. When a man begins to 
talk about rolling heads about as if they were mere skittle balls, we 
can well understand that his own head is of very little value. It says 
something for the good sense of the meeting to whom this rabid rubbish 
was addressed, that it was received with " derisive laughter." It is 
fortunate for the utterer that he excites no other feeling than contempt, 
for if any weight were attached to his words, they might take the form 
of a millstone that would affect his neck in a rather disagreeable 
manner. 

Prussia Shut Out. 

IF Prussia, past all debate, is to be finally shut put from the confe- 
rence chamber in Paris, we trust that the Allies, in mere humanity, 
will permit Prussia to take a chair in the passage. Courtesy, too, 
may dictate the addition of a table, and thereupon a bottle of wine and 
a corkscrew. 

OH, GEMINI! 

In foreign politics though equals, quite. 

Are BRIGHT and COBDEN, COBDEN isn't BRIGHT. 



A MAGNIFICENT OFFER. JOHN MITCHELL, Irish .Patriot, by 
trade, in a recent speech in America, " promised an army of 40,000 
armed Irishmen to invade Ireland at their own expense ! " They will 
be embodied as the " Ready-money Rangers." 



RUSSIAN TRADE REPORT. 

IT is confidently rumoured, that the present head of the House of 
ROMANOFF, intends no longer to carry on the business on the same 
principle as that which was pursued at such a ruinous loss by his late 
father. Repoit states that, his foreign transactions, especially those 
with Turkey, will be arranged on an entirely new system, and that his 
attention will mainly be given to the domestic and internal affairs of j 
the concern. Ample scope is offered to him for greatly extended 1 
operations in the export trade, particularly as regards the articles of 
corn, linseed, tallow, hemp, hides, bristles, and caviare. If ALEXANDER 
will really C9nfine his aims to the cultivation and sale of Russian pro- 
duce, there is no doubt whatever that he will find his profit infinitely 
greater than any that either his predecessors or himself have hitherto 
realised, besides being unattended with that frightful risk which he 
has had too good reason to see is incurred in the prosecution of more 
ambitious enterprises. 



GOVERNMENT TENDERS. 

NOTICE is hereby given, that with a view of properly promoting the 
interests of the nation, and of expediting beyond precedent its legislative 
progress, the Government are now prepared to receive Tenders for the 
supply, at intervals during the ensuing session, of Several Thousand 
Tons of strong Adhesive Jf laister, such as may make all discursive and 
procrastinating members, in Opposition or otherwise, stick to public 
business. The Government are further prepared to receive with 
thankfulness any hints that may be given them as to the course to be 
adopted with long-winded orators, more especially Irishmen with (of 
course) a grievance, so as to bring them by degrees within the influence 
of the SPEAKER'S Early Closing Movement, and make them shut up 
sooner than has been their custom heretofore. 



Extreme Fastidiousness. 

THE Russian Minister was the cause of prohibiting at Berlin a piece 
called ' Merely a Soul" We cannot understand this curious fas- 
tidiousness. Wuy, in England thousands and thousands of Souls are 
sold by auction almost every day at our Presentation sales, and yet 
you do not find our Ministers of the Church interfering in any way. 



FEBRUARY 9, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



BANQUETS TO THE TENANTRY. 

|HE practice of enter- 
taining tenantry to 
dinner, which prevails 
among the wealthy 
county families, has been 
imitated with onlypartial 
success by MR. JONES 
BB.OWNSMITH, of Bed- 
ford Street, who invited 
the whole of his lodgers, 
six in number, to a sim- 
ple but abundant repast. 
The meal was served 
in the front parlour, and 
the table a rather rick- 
ety one groaned under 
a round of beef; two 
dishes of potatoes (one 
mashed, the other in the 
jackets), a market bunch 
of carrots, and a dump- 
ling, familiarly known as 
" suety." MR. JONES 
BROWNSMITH was sup- 
ported on his right by 
the first-floor, while on 
his left we perceiyed the 
twp-pair-front, the back- 
attic and the aecond-floor- 
front, opposite to whom 
were the two-pair-back, 
and the occupant of a room whose position we could not learn. After the cloth nad been 
removed, and the usual loyal toasts had been given, MR. JONES BROWNSMITH proposed the 
health and happiness of his tenantry, which was responded to by the first-floor with much 
feeling. MR. JONES BROWXSMITH, in acknowledging his own health, which was eloquently 
proposed by one of the attics, and seconded by the other, expressed his deep anxiety to 
adopt any plan that might be found conducive to the comfort of his tenantry. He had 
recently added a knocker to the street-door, and he left it to the tenantry themselves to arrange 




the number of knocks that the friends of each 
should be requested to give, and he hoped that 
his efforts to promote their welfare would not 
be turned into a subject of discord. (Loud cries 
of " Rear ! ") After a few more speeches the 
party broke up, the conviviality having lasted till 
the liquor, of which the supply was limited, had 
been all consumed. 



FREE OPINION. 

A SONG TOR MANCHESTER. 

(Ma. MILSEB GIBSON perhaps will take au early oppor- 
tunity of obliging his Constituents with this Song.) 

FREE Opinion will subdue 

All who attack it, 
With the sword in stout and true 

Men's hands to back it ; 
But nnarm'd, to overthrow 

Barbarous dominion, 
All attempt will prove no go 

To Free Opinion. 

Free Opinion block'd a pass 

With bricks of Sparta, 
Headed by LEONIDAS : 

Won Magna Charta ; 
But by other means than prate : 

So do our Sardinian 
Friends, and French, and selves, debate 

For Free Opinion. 

If you'd preach Opinion Free, 

Don't merely utter 
Platform twaddle over tea 

And bread-and-butter. 
To prevail o'er brutal force, 

Tyrant, slave, and minion ; 
Thrashing them's the only course 

For Free Opinion. 



A NEW ALLY FOR OLD ENGLAND. 

It is all very well to criticise Royal Speeches, and say there is 
nothing in them ; but we would just ask the British public, whether its 
bosom did not bound with satisfaction, and we would also ask the 
Metropolis, why it did notjlluminate after the'perusal of the following 
paragraph 

" I have also concluded a Treaty of Friendship, Commerce, and Navigation with 
the Republic of Chili." 

Whatever may be our difficulties with America, our differences with 
Russia, or our dilemmas with any of our Allies, we have at least the 
satisfaction of knowing that the friendship of Chili has been secured to 
us. Though America may brag, bluster, and attempt to bully ; though 
Russia may trick ns ; ana though Austria may possibly play a cunning 
frame ; we are at least assured, on the faith of the speech from the 
Throne, that while turning disgusted from the treachery of pretended 
European friends, and from the hostility of openly-avowed enemies, we 
can look to Chili for consolation and sympathy. Whatever may have 
been the failures of diplomacy in relation to the Eastern question, a 
triumph haa been achieved by those negotiators who have secured the 
friendship of Chili to our country and our cause. Hitherto we have 
regarded Chili in connection with nothing but acerbity, for its vinegar 
has been the source of its fame ; but henceforward we shall be prepared 
to associate nothing but sweetness with the name of that little 
republic with whom we are henceforth united by the triple ties of 
Friendship, Commerce, and Navigation. 



THE TRUCE. 

(A Placard to lie tmng outside a Sarlm't Shop in a Pantomime.') 



Sgf For a Few Days, 

The Fine Russian Bear 

Will NOT be Slaughtered ! ! ! 



N or AN UGLY MAN. Women-are fond of telling us, that 
" They hate handsome men ; " but you may be sure that it is only to 
ngly men they say so. 



PUSEYITES AGAINST PEWS. 

THE Puseyites greatly disapprove of pews, in common with many 
who partake in no other respect of their sentiments respecting eccle- 
siastical furniture. Their aversion to pews induces them to construct 
churches of their own, in which those pens for the separation of the 
superior from the inferior classes of the flock are not put up. Has it 
ever occurred to any of our fine young Tractarian men of rank and 
fashion, that one method of carrying out their principles in this parti- 
cular might be that, not .of absenting themselves from, but of resorting 
in moderate numbers to, those churches in which the pew-system is 
most stiffly upheld, and taking up their position in the free seats ? They 
would, of course, be attired in the very first and the most faultless 
taste, and the severe perfection of their entire style of man would tell 
strikingly among the charity gaberdines of the almsmen, and their 
mouldy old ruinous wearers. Thus the free seats would become 
fashionable, and would have to be increased, the pews in a corresponding 
ratio being swept away, unless, indeed, a few of the latter should be 
left in a remote corner, whereinto the LAZ\RUS-kind of people might 
get to be elbowed out of the way by the more splendidly miserable 
sort of sinners. 

A MANAGER AND A CAPITALIST. 

WE see that MR. SMITH has put forward a placard in the shape of a 
receipt stamp, acknowledging the receipt of 23,000 on account of the 
Drury Lane Pantomime. This is a dangerous avowal, for how would 
MR. SMITH like the Income-Tax Commissioners coming down upon 
him, and insisting upon assessing him according to the amount returned 
by himself? Double Income-Tax on 23,000 would form a most ugly 
item to discharge ou " Treasury-day." But perhaps Ma. SMITH would 
not mind paying every farthing of the tax with the greatest glee upon 
one trifling condition and that is, the Income-Tax Commissioners 
being able to prove he had ever received the sum boasted of ! Having 
satisfied their demands, we have no doubt the Drury Lane manager 
would be perfectly well satisfied with the balance. 



THE TENDENCY OF THE MAN'S MIN3 ! 

MR. COBDLS, upon bein? asked by his French cook for a name for 
his iittb girl, unhesitatingly proposed, "CHARLOTTE RUSSE." 



60 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 9, 1856, 




LIMITED LIABILITY. 

WORTHY MAGISTRATE. "Prisoner, you hear what the Policeman says, that you, and some ten or twelve other boys not yet in custody, ice.-e 
seen in the Act of Demolishing a Street Lamp ; now what hai:e you to say for yourself ?" 

PRISONER. "So please yer Worsliop, as there teas more nor ten of us engaged in the Traxsagtion, why I pleads Limited Liability." 



BRIGHT v. PUNCH. 

.s appeared at Manchester with the olive branch in 
his "pacific hand. This olive branch he flourished about him with an 
energy to be envied by the possessor of a shillelah at the fair of Dony- 
brook. This olive branch moreover had been preparedly steeped in oil 
of vitriol, and thus the blistering, burning dew that fell therefrom, was 
hardly to be expected from the symbol of peace. MR. BRIGHT thus 
sprinkled Punch : . 

" You have seen a publication which ministers to the fun and laughter-loving pro" 
pensilies of the people, m^Ung admirable jokes because the pale messenger struck not 
at a cottage but tit a palace, and summoned to his everlasiing account the greatest 
monarch on the face of the earth." 

Verily, Mu. BHIGIIT, this is not the fact. Punch never made 
admirable jokes upon what seemed to him an awful stroke of retribu- 
tion, dealt upon a man made monstrous by a blasphemous power 
that gave to his jea or nay the life or death of hundreds of thousands. 
When the pale messenger had laid low the sceptred ogre of Rus^a 
("the greatest monarch on the face of the earth" sajs the courteous 
BWGHT), 'Punch saw in the desoUtor made desolate the chastising 
stroke of an outraged Deity. Punch essajed no " admirable joke ; " but 
such is the aspersion of MB. BRIGHT'S olive branch such the vitriol 
drops! 

Was not that a theme (asks MR. BRIGHT) that should have made 

" Men hold their peace ; for what struck him down will strike ua down, and no one 
knows how B'jon. (Utar,h- 

Very true: but, who shall say that the death of NICHOLAS stricken 
in the hey-day of his mischief was not universally received with H 
solemn joy? Wucn the pale messenger had summoned him, was it to 
be forgotten how many thousands of the brave and good, he, the giant 
homicide, had sent as witnesses before him ? 

"Look at the influence of your pulpit. (Hear.) Binhops, the supreme guardians of 
the religion revealed in that Hook which cmtaint the Herman tin : ; misters of 

the Established Chnrch, Ulaienctnx ministers iu great numbers (hear, hear) have been 
found among the advocates of the War.'' 



Our wickedness has been in our stiff-neckedness. Why did we oppose 
the policy of NICHOLAS? Does not the Sermon on the Mount 
forbid it ? With one cheek smitten, we ought to have turned the 
other. Doubtless, the daily life of MR. BRIGHT is in such beautiful 
harmony with the Sermon on the Mount that he, above any other man, 
is justified in testing the lives of others by the divine precepts of that 
divine preaching. No man would take a blow so meekly as MR. BRIGHT 
no man so bug and so successfully resist the fleshly impulse about t.o 
call for a policeman. It is well known, 190, that he holds his Rochdale 
mills only in trust for the poor ; and it is further notorious, that he 
cannot keep two coats in his possession two days'together, he is always 
so determined to give away oiie of the garments to "him that 
has none. 

May we venture meekly to advise Ma. BRIGHT that, the next time 
he seeks to flourish the olive branch, he does not dip it in vitriol, but 
give it a good sousing in the well of truth ? 



A Very Odious Comparison. 

J? EKBT has compared a portipn of the QUEEN'S Speech to 
Water druel. If his Lordship spoke in a slang sense, we can under- 
stand that the firm tone taken on the War question may have been 
considered to have administered their " gruel " to those who hoped 
that some, feebleness in the language from the Throne might have been 
taken advantage of for paltry party purposes. If we may be excused 
lor making a comparison of the Derby school, we should sav that the 
bpeech instead of resembling Gruel, has so well hit the mark as to be 
entitled to the appellation ot Arrow-root. 



A TROr FOR PRUSSIA. 



IN consequence of his indecisive and unsteady dealings between 
Itussia and the Allies, FREDERICK WILLIAM THE FOURTH has had his 
title aliered into that of FREDERICK WILLIAM THE SECONDHATE 



^ 




THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



61 



Sweep. " Parties! 1 ain't quite sick a Greenhorn as to go to Parties 
in Leap- Year. Why, you'd be ingaged, and the Eanns put vp, afore 
yer htowed wick Gal it toos as had mailed yer." 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

February 4//5, Monday. The LORD CHANCELLOR stated that Govern- 
ment was going to introduce a bill upon the subject of fees in County 
Courts, but that he " could not at that moment bring his memory to 
bear," as to what it contained ; the fact being, of course, that he had 
never seen the bill and knew nothing at all about it, and had much 
better have said so. LOUD CLANRICARDE discovered a grievance in 
the condition of the great clock and bells for SIR C. BARRY'S beautiful 
Clock Tower, close by. What made LOKD CLANRICAKDE feel sym- 
pathy for the clock it is difficult to say, unless it be that it has more 
face than good works to show. Neither can one see, with LORD 
GRANVILLE, why it should reflect credit on SIR BENJAMIN HALL that 
the chimes will possibly be heard from the tower this year, as Punch 
never heard of his founding bells or anything else, except a baronet's 
family. 

In the Commons, SIR GEORGE GREY announced, that he should not 
alter the ticket-of-leave system ; that he would not say what he woulc 
do about church rates, and that he would not give new powers to 
magistrates to punish woman-beaters, because the present act had nol 
succeeded ; and (he happened to know) " no law could succeed " in 
extinguishing crimes of that kind. MR. ROBERT LOWE moved for 
leave to bring in a bill for abolishing the tolls which ships pay on 
passing certain harbours, although not using them, and for the regula- 
tion of local dues on shipping. This bill would be a great boon to 
commerce ; but it will be opposed tooth and nail by Liverpool and 
other pkces, where the Corporation tax ships to build themselves 
town halls and organs, and to pay for dinners and portraits of the 
EMPEROR NICHOLAS or RUSSIA. If the House stands by the 



SIR TOM ; for since the time when, as another TOM sings of the Armada 
signals, 

" High on bleak Ilampstead's swarthy moor they started for the north,' 1 

the people of London have shown themselves too far north to stand 
any such start as yours. Let that Heath alone. 

VINCENT SCULLY persists in his mischievous interference with the 
Sunday Question, and like an illogical Irish blunderer, as he is, threatens 
to move that all the clubs be shut up on Sunday, unless the exhibitions 
are opened. Such blockheads ruin whatever cause they advocate. 
Mr. Punch means to get VINCENT the Royal licence to call himself, as 
other people call him, Num Scully. The Currency Question one of 
the subjects which, were Representation a reality instead of a sham, it 
would take up earnestly and gravely, is to be burked, but Government 
has no object ion to a committee to inquire into the circumstances of the 
Bank. LORD PALJIERSTON stated that there was to be an Armistice, 
but would tell nothing more. Thanks were voted to a retiring clerk 
at the table, MR. LEY, who has endured the debates for forty-two years, 
and is as well as could be expected. Mr. Punch, M.P., to whoni 
MR. LEY has always been most polite, begs to congratulate him on his 
release. SIR GEORGE GKEV introduced rather a good County Police 
Bill, which seemed generally acceptable to the country gentlemen, 
notwithstanding its apparently fair principle. 

Our friend BROTHERTON brought in his usual Midnight motion, and 
t was opposed by LORD PALMERSTON ; who unblushinglv said, that 
Silembers must not mind late hours, for they were sent to Jo the busi- 
ness of the country, and must do it. This effrontery was almost too 
much even for the House, which, however, hurried to division, and 
rejected the motion by 111 to 50. MR. PACKE then brought in a 
Church-Rate Bill, which SIR W. CLAY declared to be far worse than 
the present law, and assented to its introduction ; but later in the week 
brought in a Bill for the entire Abolition of the Rate. 

Wednesday. Morning sitting of the Commons, chiefly for chatter ; 
but the Knocking Uff Head of Police Bill was read a second time. It 
was subsequently passed. And, MR. BULL the Army, Navy, and 
Ordnance Estimates for the year ending March 1857 were produced. 
How do you feel, Sir, and how is your good lady ? 

Thursday. The House of Lords presented, from five in the afternoon 
to three in the morning, a scene, which may be dignified with the 
varnishing terms of " constitutional," " intellectual," and the like ; but 
which people who do not use varnish consider very degrading to a 
rational nation. The PARKE Peerage was the text; and LORDS 
LYNDHUHST, ST. LEONARDS, CAMPBELL, and, we are sorry to say. 
BROUGHAM, put forth their forensic skill, to show that the QUEEN had 
been advised to do an unconstitutional thing in making LORD WBNS- 
LEYDALE a Peer for life only. The carte and tierce work was very clever ; 
but what was the real question these law-lords (ought ; or rather what 
was the real proposition affirmed by the division? By a majority of 
138 to 105 (including proxies, or pocket-votes, given for men who had 
made up their minds before hearing the case), the Lords decided that 
it was right that a man who had successfully practised the Humbug 
called Law, the Humbug called Stock-jobbing, or the Humbug called 
Politics, should be rewarded, not only with the Humbug called Title, 
but with something which is no Humbug at all, the giving his descen- 
dants, for ever, the right to legislate, irresponsibly, for the millions of 
England. That is the opinion of the Peers of this realm, solemnly 
delivered at three in the morning of the 8th February, 1856. 

MR. COLLIER introduced aa Ecclesiastical Courts Reform Bill in the 
Commons, and SIR RICHARD BETHELL, for Government, threatened 
one for the entire and utter Abolition of Ecclesiastical Jurisdiction. 
Threatened'abuses live long. A motion by CAPTAIN SCOBELL, for an 
inquiry into our System of Naval Promotion, was, of course, opposed 
by officials past and present, and rejected by 171 to 80. CHARLEY 
NAPIER spoke rather irrelevantly, and BERNAL OSBORNE answered 
him very impertinently. 

Friday. Another case, prophetically described by Desdemona, when 
,..-,. , she said, " Alas my Lord is not my Lord," occurs. Poor MR. ROCHE, 

Government in. the matter, the shipping may be saved from this kind | an Irishman who, for no particular reason, was made BARON FERMOY 
of robbery. SIR GEORGE GREY brought m a bill to place all the | i^t ye ar, finds that his title is indeed barren. The process required 
police of the Metropolis under one head instead of two, not thinking by the Act of Union, for converting Irishmen into lords, seems not 
that two heads were better than one ; and certainly it the two squabble to have been strictly complied with. However, ROCHE is to petition, 
and sulk, and business is neglected the sooner oce head is knocked an( i a u w ju be right why, by the way, as his patent is for three lives, 
off the better. The Irish Solicitor-General, .MR. 1 ITZGBRALD. brought j didn't he have himself called LORD COCKROCHE, and take the 



in a bill for improving the Court of Chancery in Ireland, and of 
C9urse three Tory lawyers abused it with a good deal of brogue and 
vigour. 

Tuesday. Look out there is TOMMY WILSON about look to 
Hampstead Heath. A bill with an innocent title, " Leases and Sales 
of Settled Estates Bill " has been read a second time by the L9rds, and 
when the dodge was tried on last session, the Commons instantly 
stuck in a clause discomfiting TOMMY, and the bill was thereupon 
dropped by its promoters. Here it is again without that clause. 
LORD DERBY, who has a healthy liking for open air amusement, 



declared the clause to be " reasonable," and we hope somebody, 

Liberal or Tory, will take care that it is inserted. It will not do, I that happy coincidence. 

VOL. xxx. H 



Shakspearian motto, " Fillip me with a Three-Man-Beetle." 

Be it noted that a bill was brought in for appointing a Minister of 
Education. He is not to have a seat in the Lords, but in the Commons 
the word education being derived from e ducibus away from the 
dukes. 

LORD ELLENBOROUGTI objected to LORD CLARENDON cutting away to 
Paris until the Kars debate had come off, and evidently thought that 
the Government was keeping back the Kars papers to afford the Foreign 
Minister that escape. What we in England call taking the train, the 
Americans call taking the Cars, and it is not to LORD ELLENBOROUGH'S 
credit that he missed a neat taunt which he might have founded on 



62 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1856. 



- 
I 



In the Commons, poor SIR CHARLES WOOD made a helpless exhibi- 
tion of himself, in pretending to justify the ignorance of our naval 
commanders, who allowed the Russian squadron to escape us in the 
Chinese Seas. With the impertinence of mediocritv, WOOD said, that 
" he could not admit that it was the duty of HER MAJESTY'S Govern- 
ment to sift every story that might appear in the public papers ;" and 
then tried to coufuse the subject in a long description of the geogra- 
phical features of the scene, " spoken," says the Times, " with even more 
than bis customary indistinctness of utterance, so that the explanation 
could be heard neither by members nor reporters." As he was merely 
talking nonsense, and knew it, this was of no particular conssquence, 
but such people as WOOD should not be insolent. 

Ma. OOBDEN then brought up the American Question, stated that he 
did not know the condition of affairs, but hoped that, as we had been 
in rrror, we should make any reparation rather than quarrel. "If," he 
said, "you tread on a man's toes, what does it matter whether you beg 
his pardon, or beg him ten thousand pardons ? " This is precisely the 
tone one would have expected from such a person. LORD PALMEHSTON'S 
answer was that of an English gentleman. We had offered to refer the 
treaty difficulty to arbitration ; this had not been accepted, and the 
House was welcome to the papers. On the Enlistment Question, we 
had made concessions which he should have thought satisfactory as 
between gentleman and gentleman, and with which, when offered to 
the American Minister here, he had expressed himself satisfied, and 
felt assured that his Government would be. The PREMIER promised 
that nothing should be wanting on the part of the Cabinet to prevent 
a collision ; but that due regard must be paid to the honour and 
character of the nation. The House then joined in chorus with a 
version of the American anthem, as now sung by Ma. JOHN BULL : 

" Yankee Doodle, do not frown, 

Though you "re brisk and bony ; 
The jewels in VICTORIA'S crown 

Ain't paste or macaroni, 
London is a ptetty town, 

So is Philadelphy; 
You shall have a sugar-plum, 

And I '11 have one myself-y," 



PROFITABLE CRIMINALS. 

NOTION used to be prevalent that 
a locality is rather degraded and 
injured by the presence of crime ; 
but the modern idea seems to 
be that a neighbourhood is im- 
proved .by criminal notoriety. 
Some place the other day com- 
plained bitterly of a suggestion 
that a murderer should be 
hanged in another town, and 
a memorial was actually for- 
warded to the authorities, claim- 
ing the right of the citizens to 
all the profits arising out of the 
execution of their own fellow 
townsman and murderer. Com- 
mon humanity would probably 
wish to disown an assassin, but 

it seems that if anything is to be got by the attraction of hanging 
him, he will be eagerly claimed as a neighbour. Surely this kind 
of feeling is likely to give a sort of encouragement to crime, and a man 
of loose morality may be made to believe that there is a species of 
patriotism in committing a very startling crime, which, if it leads to an 
interesting trial, and a subsequent death on the gallows, may be a 
source of considerable profit to liis fellow-citizens.' As gambling is 
encouraged by the Government of certain petty States for the. profit it 
yirLls by the concourse of idlers it collects, we may, if we do not enter 
our protest, find grave offences countenanced on the ground of the 
income to be derived from the interest attending their trial, and the 
excitement caused by their punishment. 




A FOOTMAN AND A POET. 

WE have no scruples save olfactory ones in returning to the dis- 
section of JENKINS of the Horning Plush. For as the wisdom and 
goodness of Nature may be demonstrated from the organisation of a 
beetle, so a lesson in decency and morality may be read from the 
wrigglings of such a crawling thing as a " fashionable journalist." 

JEBKINS is again before us as a critic; and the Footmanly mind is 
once more revealed in all its flunkeyism. Recently CALVES JENKINS, 
ESQ. has favoured the public that is to say, the unfortunates 
who take in and are taken in by the Plush with his objections to 
GOTHE and DK. WIIEWELL. Now, JENKINS discourseth of Poetry ; and 
a copy of CHARLES MACKAT'S new and admirable poem, the Lump of 
Gold, haying been inadvertently sent by MR. ROUTLEDGE to the Plush, 
(unless, indeed, JENKINS found the book on the carriage cushion, while 
he was waiting until my Lady should emerge from SWAN AND SUGAR'S) 
the Flunkey breaketh loose upon it. 

Of course, one would not dream of seriously examining a " criticism" 
in the Morning Plush. One would as soon, or sooner, comment upon its 
editorial puffs for tradesmen, wherein an allusion to the melancholy 
slaughter in a Crimean battle, and to the agonies of bereaved families, 
dexterously leads up to an announcement where fashionable mourning 
may be bought. Indeed, these are the best things the leading article- 
writers of the Phuk turn out, for they understand their subjects. But 
literary criticism in the Phtsh is merely ludicrous. The JENKINS of the 
minute, whoever he may be, does not even comprehend the meaning of 
words, for example, he says that MR. MACK AY'S verse is "flexible 
andjfueni ; " and the next instant, not knowing what ' : fluent " means, 
says that "li flows along melodiously." He also goes on to say, that it 
is " intelligible " (we should like to" see how this word was spelt in the 
" copy "will a reader bet that it was not written " intteliggble ? ") ; but 
this is evidently an exaggeration. It is not intelligible to the meanest 
capacity, at any rate ; for JENKINS proceeds to show that he does not 
understand it. But we do not bandy criticism with a JENKINS. It is 
rather the flunkey animita that prompted the Plush's abuse of MR. 
MACKAY that we would point out ; the mere Billingsgate itself is not 
worth notice. It is only vulgar and stupid : and some of the language 
is so low, that we should not wonder if notice were taken of it in the 
servants' hall. 

But the "fashionable journalist " is disgusted with the poet because 
he has written songs which have made their way to thelieart of the 

I people the dirty, rude, offensive people, that laugh at JENKINS'S pink 
stoekjngs and nosegay, the beests! songs which, because they speak of 
hope and fellowship and struggle and progress, embody the people's 
feelings, and become the people's utterances. This the philanthropist 
in plush cannot forgive, and so he abuses MR. MACKAY for having sung 
that a good time was coming; whereas we have had "one of the 

] bloodiest wars on record," because murder is frequent, doctors poison 
patients, and PAUL and Co. were fraudulent. This is the sort of trash 

: tbat passes for argument with the anile patrons of the Plush; and this is 

, the enlightened and liberal spirit in which a " fashionable journalist" 
deals with a poet. The flunkey instinct is indestructible ; it is a vile 
humour that breaks out in blains and blotches like these Morning Plush 

I criticisms. An aristocrat, a gentleman, may not have two opinions in 
common with a man of the people; yet they can meet mutually 
respecting each other, and part wishing each other well. But the 

\ creature that comes between, the Flunkey, of whom the Plush is a type 
in journalism, a servile toady to one of the men, an insolent HECTOR to 
the other, he, with his "genteel" ideas and his dirty nature, cannot 
a-bear a common low plebeian, derides his feelings and despises his 
songs. Hence the Morning Phtsh, thinking in its ignorant sycophancy, 
that ladies and gentlemen share the mean instincts of flunkeyism, 
seeks to please its patrons by abusing one of the people's poets ; a man 
who has written truthfully vigorously and nobly, and has therefore 
deserved and long may he experience the hostility of such crawling 
matures as the writer in the Morning Plush. 



' For Valour." 



TITE Victoria Cross is given only to soldiers and sailors performing 

extraordinary acts of valour in presence of the enemy: the Cross is of 

bronze. There ought to be another Cross bestowable upon those 

heroes whose courage has been in defiance of all public opinion. This 

iiouldbe of brass. Already we could name several heroes 

, too ! worthy of the distinguishing metal, and of no other. 



Symptoms of Peace. 

WE imagine that the CZAR is this time in earnest ; for we have been 
told that he has ordered no less than 500 diamond Snuff-boxes. It is 
most curious the intimate connection between peace ar.d snuff! Every 
treaty is concluded with a general distribution of tuM^res more or 
[ess diamond-dotted. The Freedom of Europe seems to lie m a scuff- 
However, we hope the plenipotentiaries will keep themselves 



box. 



CAN a man be Shaved in his absence ? Certainly, if man and wife 
are one flesh, and^the lady goes to a Linendraper's. 



" ' *" > " wpw i iiv, jj*i/u jiv iviii'icu Jta \t 111 &.CGJJ tUCllloCl VC5 

wide awake, and not allow the EMPEKOR ALEXANDER to throw snuff 
into their eyes. 

The Premier of the Peace Movement. 

STATE etiquette suggests a reason why HER MAJESTY had better 
have MR. COBDEN for her Premier than LpRD PALMERSTON. She 
would iind the hon. member for the West Riding a readier hand than 
the noble Lord, the member for Tiverton, at backing out. 



FEBRUARY 16, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON .CHARIVARI. 



63 



VALENTINE BY A YOUNG L&DY. WARRANTED. 

'Tis Leap-year now and I am free ! 

For Woman's tongue and Woman's pen 
"Within that time may speak what she 

May neither breathe nor write save theu. 
I love thee ! Say, my joy, my life, 
"Wilt thou accept me for thy wife ? 

I will not tell thee all I feel. 

When on the fire my bosom feeds, 
"Which those calm quiet eyes reveal, 

Those two fine large full brilliant bead*, 
So beautiful, so blue, that shine 
Beneath thy smooth brow's pencill'd line. 

A face of wax I 've often seen, 

Fair and unfurrow'd as thine own ; 
As fresh, as rosy, as sereue ; 

Divine but for one want alone ! 
That want in thee supplied I find : 
Eyes, nose, and mouth and also Mind. 

As on some clothier's model, sit 
Those garments trousers, coat, and . 

Those boots those gloves how well they fit ! 
But thou art no mere figure drest, 

No mimic beau of senseless mould, 

So elegant '.but oh, so cold ! 




CUTTING UP AN AUDIENCE. 

SINCE in his innocent youth Mr. Punch heard the pleasant story, 
how a very thin audience once ventured to disapprove a certain 
theatrical performance, and the whole force of the company rushed 
upon the stage, outnumbered, and hissed out their generous benefactors, 
he has not been better pleased than with a recent article in the Times 
Newspaper. The keen-eyed and kindly critic of the theatres, discoursing 
upon the production at the Adelphi Theatre of a dramatised version 
of the " Children's Elopement " in Household Words, gives due praise 
thereto, as " a perfect instance of a story taken out of a book, and placed 
upon a stage," and describes it as " a neatly executed cabinet picture," in 
w Inch MR.BBNJAMIN WEBSTER gave an " elaborate embodiment of a most 
original character." Haying thus shown why the little drama deserved 
the applause of the audience, the critic justly and boldly turns upon 
those who withheld it, and (of course with gentlemanly periphrase) 
intimates that they were a set of asses. Which we potently believe to 
be the truth of the matter. 

Punch very heartily thanks the Times' critic for breaking this new 
ground, and recognising the Limited Liability of audiences to bear 
their share in an evening's entertainment. The public is as much 
bound to play its part as the stage company. The French, who know 
something about these things, admit the fact their phrase is, that they 
" assist " at. a representation. If an assistant at. a play misbehaves 
himself, he deserves a rap over the head as much as an Assistant-Judge, 
or an assistant-linendraper. An audience ought to listen, to encourage 
at need, to laugh in the right place, and to hiss where neglect or buf- 
foonery is observable. And ii the public would us their brains and 
their hands, instead of ignorantly approving or lazily enduring every- 
thing, the artists would be kept upon their mettle, the actor of merit 
would double exertions that were appreciated, the stick would be sent 
back to his desk, and the buffoon remitted to the acrobatic ring. It is 
in no small degree the fault of the public, that the standard of art is not 
much higher than it is. 

We thiuk that the Times' hint might be followed out with advantage. 
Only, it might be but fair to discriminate in the salle as upon the i-tage. 
For instance, let a watchful critic come out with something of this 
kind, after a new piece. " Too much praise cannot be given to the 
pit-boxes for their attention and judicious applause, but we were sorry 
to observe the left proscenium box so careless, and more intent upon 
bouquets and flirting than upon the piece. The dress-boxes were 
respectable, and the gallery very painstaking with what was out of its 
usual line. The second tier was heavy, with the exception of the ' 
stout lady who filled much too small a part of a seat, and whose decla- j 
mation at intervals was remarkable. The pit was beneath contempt, ! 
indulging in vulgar grinning when such a demonstration was out t,f 
place, and passing over some of the best acting. This audience has ' 
improved, but still has much to learn." We think that this kind 
of thing, or if necessary a yet more personal identification of indi- 
viduals, whose names might be got from the box-keepers, would put 
audiences on the gui vive, and once more we heartily thank the Times' 
critic for another addition to his many capital suggestions upon a 
subject he understands so well. 



They tell me but I heed them not 
Thou art not wealthy be it so. 

I do not ask what thou hast got. 
Enough 'twill be for UF, I know. 

One carriage I content can share, 

And a small mansion in a Square. 

Then, dearest, speak tha welcome word, 
And to thy presence I will fiy 

As fast as an enamour'd bird, 
And throw me at thy feet, and try 

At least, my passion to express, 

And plead until ihou murmur " Yes ! " 

Here is a little raven curl ; 

It wi-11 will match thy flaxen hair. 
0;i, deem me not a forward girl 

Because I thus my mind declare. 
Since this month's days are twenty-nine, 
A maid may woo a Valentine. 



The Aristocratic Flora. 

ONE of the ELIOTS that is to say, another of the ELIOTS, has been 
appointed to some post that is to say, to another post, in the public 
service. This fortunate family may be regarded as the most tenderly 
cultivated flower of the aristocracy, and it lives so continually in 
sunshine, that the line of ELIOT may be appropriately called the 
(11) EuoT-rope. 



A FEMALE FUNCTIONARY. 

THE Master of the Rolls has, it is said, appointed a female to a clerk- 
ship in the State Paper Office. We do not vouch for the tiuth of the 
statement (which is copied fromi the Spectator), but we see no objec- ' 
tion to female clerks, who will, at all events, be sure to have something | 
to say, and will be free from that offensive taciturnity which is often | 
the most irritating attribute of official underlings. We rather tremble, ' 
however, at the idea of a female in the State Paper Office, for we know 
what an awful propensity nio.-t women have to put papers to rights, ' 
and the inextricable confusion into which papers are generally thrown 
by the process. Perhaps, however, the State Papers are not intended 
for reference, and as moat of them are possibly mere wa.-te paper by 
this time, a female hand may be very useful in cramming them into all 
sorts of holes and corners, where they will be quite out of everybody's 
way, and utterly inaccessible. If such are the duties the new clerk has 
to perform, the appointment of a female is a most judicious one. 



"The Battle of Life." 

FORMERLY every medal had its reverse but with the New Order of 
M^rit, thtre will be, in addition to the Reverse, likewise a Cross ; but j 
then your true Hero is always known by the bravery with which he 
bears the reverses and cro-ses of this Life, and, in this as in every ' 
instance, the greater the number of crosses the greater the Hero ! 



A HINT TOR LADIES' BOXXETS. At the Opening of Parliament 
HER MAJESTY wore the Crown on her head. 



64 



NCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1856. 




TOO BAD, BY JOVE! 

Heavy Swell. " DEUCED STUPID THESE NEWSPAPERS ! " 

Lady (with keen perception of the ludicrous). " YES, CHARLES ! ESPECIALLY WHEN' THEY SAY THAT A 

ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS A SWAN ON A TURNPIKE ROAD ! " 



DISMOUNTED DBAGOON is 



A PETT PARSON. 

THERE appears to be a parish called PeU, which rejoices in a Pett 
Parson, whose peculiarities have recently been the subject of Newspaper 
comment. This gentleman seems to combine the nautical with the clerical 
in no ordinary degree ; and indeed the Pastor appears to be almost 
sunk in the Tar, except when both are swamped in the brandy-bottle. 
Such a rollicking, roaring, reverend blade as this 'Pett Parson, has 
scarcely ever been met with in the annals which are rather volu- 
minousof clerical eccentricity. So thoroughly imbued does h e seem 
to have been with a love for the sea, and other liquids, that his gait has 
I contracted all the unsteadiness of the quarter-deck, and the quartern. 
| His chief delight was to assume the character of a captain ^ in the Navy; a 
I part be will now be able to play for two entire years, as he is to be relieved 
i during that time from the care of the souls of his parishioners. ARCH- 
DEACON ALLEN, who appears to have more respect for the Church than 
for the Navy, and who cannot appreciate the merits of a roystering 
Rector or a vinous Vicar, is rather scandalised at the idea of the 
pulpit being made a sort of chapel-of-ease to the public-house, which 
has been the general scene of the devotions of the reverend gentleman, 
for it is the spot to which he has usually devoted himself. 

We are disposed to agree with ARCHDEACON ALLEN in thinking, 
that when a Parson has once fairly reeled out of his parish in a state of 
inebriety, it would be better that he should not be allowed to stagger back 
again under any circumstances whatever. We trust the ARCHDEACON 
will carry out the reform he has so courageously commenced ; and, though 
he may expect to be met by all kinds of difficulties ; though he may be 
tripped up with an old church canon at one moment, pelted with a bit 
of Rubric at the next, and half stunned with a volley of old statutes at 
almost every turn ; we strongly recommend him to persevere in the 
excellent work he has undertaken. 



COTTON VERY DULL. The Russian Peace Party of Manchester has 
been called a faction. Its condition may be more fully and accurately 
described as that of stupefaction. 



THE HOUSE OP STORKS. 

BARON PARKE, hatched into LORD WENSLEYDALE, has been terribly 
pecked at. The aquiline LYNDHURST has come down upon him, beak 
and talons. Plain JOHN CAMPBELL crows defiantly as any black cock ; 
and even BROUGHAM, unsoftened by the balmy airs of the Mediter- 
ranean, has a turn with the fledgling peer. In places where storks 
congregate and breed in the pretty city of Lubeck tor instance it is 
not an uncommon joke among the practical wags of that hilarious, 
mercurial abiding-place to substitute in the nest of a stork the egg of 
a goose for the egg hereditary. The gosling is duly hatched, and full 
soon the scandal brought upon the House of Storks is discovered by 
that august, long-legged assembly. Well, the House of Storks imme- 
diately gather together, and make an attack upon the unhappy little 
gosling (he could, at the best, be but an honorary life-stork, no 
chance of issue being permitted him amidst the noble body into which 
he has been adroitly smuggled) and, with very little to-do, rend the 
woolly intruder to pieces. 

But the vengeance, of the House of Storks does not stop here. By 
no means. The gosling shame, the counterfeit stork being disposed of, 
the putative parents of the misbegotten bird have also their punish- 
ment ; being so beaten, harried, and harassed by the House of Storks 
in general, that the only safety for the oppressed is in sudden and 
distant flight. In this, the House of Storks has the advantage of the 
House of Lprds. Gosling PARKE may, as a life-peer, be picked and 
nibbled to pieces, but the wicked wag who placed the goose's egg in 
the stork's nest in fact, the ennobling parent of the goose escapes all 
consequences. A PARKE (as peer) perishes ; but PALMERSTON is safe. 



Mr. Punch does Penance. 

MISLED by erroneous reports and the blast of LORD CARDIGAN'S 
own trumpet, Mr. Punch once represented his Lordship as a hero. He 
begs to apologise for the blunder, and pledges himself never to stake 
anything upon that card again. 




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FEBRUARY 16, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



67 



"POUR ENCOTTRAGER LES ATTIRES." 

THERE once was an admiral BTNG was his name 
At Minorca, 'twas said, on our flag be brought shame. 
Those who studied the facts said it wasn't his fault, 
That the Government grudged him the means of assault ; 
But the party in power BYNG'S party was not, 
So ADMIEAL BYNG was condemn'd to be shot. 
And this view of the case VOLTAIRE'S ton-mot cxprest, 
That the Admiral died " To encourage the rest." 

SIMPSONS, CARDIGANS, LUCANS, and AIREYS, and all, 

On whose backs our Crimean discredits must fall, 

Bless your stars, you have fallen on days when the Timet, 

Not Court-martials and Common?, judge you and your crimes. 

You 're tried and found guilty, but certainly not 

Condemn'd ("to encourage the rest") to be shot ; 

With promotion rewarded, and orders and stars, 

You show brows without blushes, and breasts without scars. 

An incapable AIHEY, whose apathy cost 

M my thousands their lives from mud, fever, and frost, 

Of England appears Quartermaster-in-Chief, 

The same post that abroad in he came to such grief. 

A LUCAN, o'er heel-ball and pipe-clay supreme ; 

A CARDIGAN, too, of Park heroes the cream, 

Whose blundering, display'd on the grandest of scales, 

Reduced their troop-horses to gnaw their own tails 

Oue a crack hussar regiment as Colonel neglects, 

Which the other, as General Inspector, inspects ! 

English Officers mark 'tis a lesson for you : 

Do nothing yourselves, and what 's well done undo : 

Be as sluggish, short-sighted, conceited, and dull, 

As mighty in muddle, as monstrous in mull, 

As inapt at the learning of all you should learn, 

As devoid of wise forethought and generous concern ; 

Public wrath and contempt, as they 've stemm'd you will stem, 

And will reach, in the long-run, to honour like them. 

We are soft now-a-days as our fathers were hard ; 

" To encourage the rest "where they shot, we reward. 



" COCK KOBIN " AT GUILDHALL. 

ME. JAMES WHITEWOOD, the well-known publisher, appeared before 
SIB, FRANCIS MOON, to answer an information laid by MB. PANIZZI, 
of the British Museum. 

MB. PANIZZI appeared in person, and was in no way ashamed to do 
so. He had a duty to perform, and was always performing it. The 
defendant had failed to deliver into 1he Librarj of the British Museum, 
a copy of a new edition of Cock Robin's Death and Funeral. How was it 
possible for him (PANIZZI) to Qnish the much-desired catalogue, if books 
were sent in thus irregularly ? To be sure, Cock Robin's Death and 
Funeral might be inserted either under the letter C, or D, or R, or F, 
it didn't matter which; but the defendant had nothing to do with 
that. 

The defendant pleaded guilty to the omission ; but said, in extenu- 
ation, he really thought the visitors to the Library had suffered no 
injury from his neglect. 

MR. PANIZZI requested to be allowed to beg the defendant's pardon. 
Within the last two or three months, the last edition of Cod Robin 
had been continually inquired for by gentlemen employed on panto- 
mimes, and painfully conscientious as to the authority of their effects. 

The defendant in the handsomest manner, presented MR. PANIZZI 
with three copies of Cock Robin; which MR. PANIZZI haviog con- 
signed to his pocket, he was about, to retire. 

The defendant. 1 beg your pardon, it will save time, if you also take 
with you a copy of Jenny Wren. It is not yet published, but will be 
out to-nwrrow. Further, Tom, Tom, the Piper's Son, will be ready for 
delivery in a day or two. 

MR. PANIZZI, mildly but, firmly, refused to take with him any- 
thing but Cock Robin. He, however, intimated to the defendant 
that if Jenny Wren and the Piper's Son were not forwarded to 
the Museum within a month, it would be his (MR. P.'s) painful duty 
again to pull him (defendant) up before the Alderman. He had a 
duty to perform, and the interests of literature were not to be trifled 
with. He had already caused two publishers to be fined, who flying in 
the face of the statute, had not sent to the Museum their variorum 
editions of The Ratcatcher's Dauyhier. 



THE SWEEPINGS OF SCIENCE. 

THE latest accounts from New South Wales include a list of dona- 
tions to the Australian Museum ; which seems to promise to comprise 
as large a bundle of miscellaneous rubbish, as some of the infant 
Museums in our provincial towns are found to contain. The first item 
of a startling nature that caught our attention is 

" A centipede presented by MASTEE KEOK." 

and we cordially congratulate that young gentleman on having got the 
Centipede off his hands. How MASTER KEON became possessed of 
the Centipede is a puzzle to us ; but that his Mamma should have 
exclaimed, "Take away the nasty creature," and that young KEON 
should have straightway carried it off to the Museum and presented it 
to the authorities, is all natural enough. The "next article," as the 
linendrapers say, when they insist on showing you the whole contents 
of a warehouse, when you want to purchase a quarter of a yard of 
"edging" or any other trifle ; the "next article " is 

" A native dress from the Feejees. Presented by CAPTAIU W. LKE." 

No description is given of the dress in question ; but, judging from 
our own experience of aboriginal costume, we should say that the 
" native dress " would probably consist of a. bunch of feathers, a few 
beads, and an old door-mat, in whicli the forest chieftains are generally 
satisfied to make their appearance, when they think it worth while to 
attempt any toilette at all. Another contributor to the Museum has 
liberally placed " the portions of an egg-shell " at the disposal of the 
trustees. Some bits of egg-shell do not promise at first sight a very 
rich repast to the lovers of science ; but the fragments in question 
derive some interest from the statement, that they formed a part of 
the habitation of some very strange bird, now said to he extinct. We 
must admit that the Australians are not very far behind us as " col- 
lectors" of rubbish with scientific names, and with a few black-beetles 
on pins, the Museum may be considered as almost complete. 



Query for a Parliamentary Novice. 

WOULD the fact of a person giving a box-keeper a shilling for a place 
in the dress-circle come under the head of bribery and corruption, and 
would such a person be liable to be turned out of the Theatre, as a 
member is out of Parliament, upon its being proved he had purchased 
his seat ''. 



DUNDERHEADS UNDER, FIRE. 

THE following profound query was according to a writer in the 
Times, under the signature of " COSMOPOLITAN," addressed to SIR 
HOWARD DOUGLAS by COLONEL DUNNE : 

" Have not a great many of those men who have gone out without any previous 
practical knowledge of fortification, acquired practical knowledge under fire in the 
trenches ? " 

Whereunto the distinguished party under examination returned this 
simple, but satisfactory' answer : 

" Yes ; and many Mves have been lost in consequence." 

On reflection, COLONEL DUNNE will no doubt have perceived, that 
though it may be possible for a knowledge of practical fortification 
under fire in the trenches to be beaten into the head, yet it is equally 
if not more likely, that a shell or a cannon-shot should, however 
thick the head may be, beat all knowledge whatsoever out of it. 



A QUERY FOR THE COMMONS ? 

' MB. W ABBES will address the Electors." Midhurst liaud-bills. 

' Mil. WALPOLI'S Committee will pay the travelling expenses of Voters." Times. 

SAYS WALFOLE to WARREN, " the House being barren 
Of Copia Verborum, you must sit for Midhurst." 

Says WARREN to WALPOLE, " we certainly shall poll 
Two thousand at Cambridge, if money we bid durst." 

Of loose talk and corruption, our Commons among, 

While there is what there is, which addition were worse 

A WARREN who gets there by length of the tongue, 
Or a WALPOLE who gets there by length of the purse P 



A Cradle for Baby. 

THE city of Paris presents a most beautiful and ornate cradle to the 
EMPRESS OP THE FRENCH for the expected baby. All well and good : 
still, we prefer a cradle of more primitive material. For instance, we 
should like to see in France another sort of cradle namely, the cradle 
of liberty. . 

NEARER THE TRUTH. Testimonials generally take the shape of 
salvers. Considering the hollowness of the professions that usually 
accompany such gifts, the better term for these conventional presen- 
| tations would be, we think, " lip-salvers." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAW. 



[FEBRUARY 16, 1856. 



TURR, QUATERQUE BEATUS. 



SIR HAMILTON ! SEY- 
MOUR, our new am- 
bassador at Vienna, 
has already dis- 
played there some 
of the perseverance 
which made him so 
offensive to NICHO- 
LAS and ABERDEEN 
when he was at St. 
Petersburg. He has 
fairly bored the Aus- 
trians into saving 
the life of COLONEL 
TURR. SIR HAMIL- 
TON is stated "rarely 
to have had an in- 
terview with COUNT 
BUOL, without re- 
minding him of a 
promise to intercede 
for this unlucky de- 
serter." The latter 
is pardoned, in con- 
sideration of the fact 
that he has worn 
the English uniform. 
The circumstances 
and conditions of 
the pardon justify 
the Virgilian motto 
Mr. Punch prefixes 
to this record: First, 
The Colonel's life 
is spared. Secondly, 
He is to quit Aus- 
tria. Thirdly, He 
is never to return 

to it. And in addition to all this good luck, Fourthly quaterque he has the 
honour of being congratulated by Mr. Punch on his escape from the bloodthirsty 
savages of Austrian generals, who " insisted strongly on his being put to death." 
"Felix TURK, et ampliim." 




A CHIEF JUSTICE TERRIFIED. 

WE should not have suspected LORD CAMPBELL of 
nervousness, or of being frightened at a trifle, if we had 
not read in a recent report of a trial his assertion, that " he 
had been really alarmed at an expression that fell from the 
lips of a juryman." The bugbear that had struck such 
terror into the heart, aud had played such mischief with the 

I pluck of the C. J. of the Q. B. was nothing more nor less 
than an exclamation from a juryman that " he did not think 

! much of a puffing advertisement." There had been an 
action between two bikers, one of whom had bought a 
business which the other had advertised as "doing six. 
sucks a-week," when it bad only " done four," and upon 
one of the jurymen saying he laid little stress on an 
advertisement," LORD CAMPBELL declared himself "alarmed " 
at the avowal. Surely his lordship has never had the 
simplicity to believe in all the wonderful cures of quack 
medicines, or the miraculous ( ffect of hair-dyes ; nor can he 
for a moment have supposed that if he had rubbed in a few 
bottles of anybody's Elixir into his almost bald head, he 
would have come out with a crop equal in luxuriance to the 
"real gentleman's head of hair no parting visible" in 
a week or two. At the risk of frightening his lordship out 
of his wits by exciting further alarm, we cannot help 
avowing that we also do not attach much importance to the 
statements made in Newspaper advertisements. 



Something in a Name ? 

A VERY little while ago PATRICK MAC MURPHY for 
private reasons of bis own quitted Ireland for London. It 
was necessary for PATRICK to change his name. By a lucky 
accident he took that of ELLIOTT ; when, to his astonishment, 
but we think not to the astonishment of our readers, he 
found himself the very next day appointed to a place and 
a good one, too, under Government ! 



THE MORNING S REFLECTION. 

Old Gentleman (mumbling oeer his breakfast). "One of the 
drawbacks of this abominable spread of Education is, that 
your Servant, since the confounded fellow has learnt to 
read, insists upon looking at the Newspaper before you do ! 
Bother your Civilisation, say I ! " 



IN THE MATTER OF TWO HALF-CROWNS. 

MR. PUNCH to MESSRS. SOWERBY AND TATIIAM, Linendrapen, 
Regeni-Circus. 

GENTLEHEN, Believe me, I have read of your late trial with an 
emotion so strong that, like an agitated cuttle-fish, my feelings must 
come out in ink ; I consider you not, only ill-used men, looking upon 
you as members of the human family, but as outraged linendrapers, 
considering you in the impure gas-light of shopkeepers. 

A young gentlewoman of handsome face, and frank, ingenuous 
bearing, enters your shop repository is, I believe, a more courteous 
phrase on a certain dark, dank night in October. The gentlewoman 
makes a purchase; tenders two half-crowns, which the cashier a man, 
do doubt, of aquiline quickness of eye, of weasel-like delicacy of ear, 
for the false appearances and the flat ring of bad money declares to be 
bad ! Well, if the opinion of a cashier in a shop of Metropolitan mag- 
nitude is in a matter of money to be questioned, there is an end, as 
Mr. Pwich considers, to all retail business. I have the greatest faith 
in the infallibility of cashiers in general. I am sure of it, there is 
hardly one of the gifted body who could not tell how much copper was 
in HIERO'S crown, by merely smelling at the rim of the diadem. Well, 
on the authority of the cashier a policeman is, singularly enough, ob- 
tained, and the astounded young gentlewoman is given into his safe 
keeping; and, tightly gripped by the wrist, is taken through the streets 
to St. Giles's station-house, a circling crowd, with running comments 
and side-notes attending. 1 leave the culprit on her way. 

Gentlemen, Your cashier is a man of considerable powers of deci- 
sion. Cherish that man. True it is the young gentlewoman gave her 
own address. Further, she gave the address of the lady in whose 
employment she worked milliner's-work. Further still, she gave the 
address of her ister OLIVIA (she dwelt no wider away than George 
Street, Hanover Square) supplicating in her amazement and terror at 
the charge, that her sister might he sent for. The cashier was deaf 
to all this raving. All entreaties fell upon his practised ear like so 
many pocket-pieces : he, at once, detected their falsehood, and firmly 
bade the policeman secure his charge. 

Well, by this time, ELLEN GREAVES has arrived, with tag-rag escort, 



at St. Giles's station. Twirled into a stone cell, she is not kept 
waiting, for a searcher is in immediate attendance. The outrage is 
completed : the gentlewoman being stript for further discovery of coun- 
terfeit coin ; of course, she having brought just as much base money 
into the station-house as new-born babies (even heirs of peerages) bring 
with them into the world of lawful coin. 

Well, Gentlemen, it is very odd very perplexing. How could the 
cashier have been mistaken ? The two half-crowns, a little dimmed 
only by contact of quicksilver, are absolutely lawful, current metal ! 

MESSRS. SOWERBY AND TATHAM, I, Punch, honour the emotion that 
induced you to apologise in the wide-world columns of the Times, in the 
thread-paper columns of the Post apologise to the terrified, outraged 
young gentlewoman, whose wounded feelings you were further willing 
to stanch with a 5-note. What, then? Women, even the most gentle 
women, are now and then wayward, and flighty as rose-buds in a high 
wind. Five pounds were refused, though offered not so very long after 
notice of action had been served ; whea your magnanimity rose to ten 
pounds, and this must have been, in the language of your profession, at 
an alarming sacrifice of feeling, or of something. The ten pounds being 
rejected, of course, MESSRS. SOWERBY AND TATHAM, nothing remained 
to you but to throw yourselves upon twelve jurymen. You did so. 

The trial came on ; and, as a fearless censor of public men, I cannot 
sufficiently condemn the licence of the Bench, that permitted LORD 
CAMPBELL to indulge in very illiberal remarks, reflecting upon the 
house of SOWERBY AND TATHAM. LORD CAMPBELL, evidently to poison 
the minds of the jury, took the trouble to express himself in these very 
bitter words : 

" He thought the defendant* had conducted themselves very harshly and incon- 
siderately. The appearance of this young woman spoke for itself; he might say she 
brought a letter of recommendation with her. Never since he was a judge, or at the 
bar, had he seen a witness whose conduct in the box was more unexceptionable." 

Now this may be very well for LORD CAMPBELL, who no doubt is 
very learned in the letter of the law ; but if he knew anything of life 
especially of life behind the London counter he would know that, for 
the most part, tradesmen cannot read ; that is, they cannot read letters 
written by nature and habit in human faces. Whether it is, that too 
close an application to figures and ledger-lines blunt the finer powers^ 
otherwise perceptive, both of God's writing in faces of beauty and 



FEBRUARY 16, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON Cll AR1YA1U. 



69 



goodness, as of the broad marks of Evil, slashed and grooved in the 
countenances of rogues and swindlers ; whether it is this, or whether 
it is too continuous a study of crowned heads on Mint metal I, Mr. 
Punch, will not decide ; but I must declare my conviction that, for the 
most part, London tradesmen are so lamentably ignorant that they 
cannot read a word of two syllables, namely, the word "Newgate," 
though it be written in the whole oval of a face, from the scalp 
to the chin. 

Otherwise, my dear Sirs, how could that transparent rascal a 
swindler as visible as a policeman's bull's-eye that CAPTAIN FITZ- 
MILLEFLEURS, have made such a razzia of the whole West End? 
How could COUNT TOPEMOPF have made such levies ? How could the 
CHEVALIER DE BUNKEBI, with a mouth as open to conviction as the 
Penitentiary Gate, how could he have sacked half Regent Street? 
No : London tradesmen cannot read faces : and it was, at the least, 
ungenerous in LORD CAMPBELL to taunt them with their ignorance. 

Well, my dear Sirs, the jury gave the young gentlewoman for damages 
the sum of 20, and the virtuous public is indignant. '' It ought to 
have been five, ten, twenty times twenty," cry the SMITHS, the 
BKOWNS, the ROBINSONS. And here it is, Gentlemen, that Mr. Punch 
would whilst condoling with you rebuke these folks, so very thought- 
less in the intense virtue of their profound indignation. 

Mr. Punch, then, says to these public censors: Granted, twenty 
pounds are not much ; nay, as a reparation to the outraged lady, it is 
very paltry. But, still consider the condition of MESSES. SOWERBY 
AND TATHAM. Poor men! There are law expenses; no trille: and 
further, there may be a loss, a daily loss, to their very elegant esta- 
blishment in what may not be taken over the counter. Timid ladies may 
pause at the threshold, and nervously ask themselves, if they are quite 
sure their money is good ? Their fluttering bosoms may be agitated 
by the idea of a policeman ; and they may be almost ready to drop as 
they often are at a half-thought of the station-house and the searcher ! 

It is therefore, Gentlemen, that I, Punch, condole with you upon the 
aggregate misfortunes attending you, in the tooprompt cashier, in the 
unkind, to say the least of it, aspersion of LORD CAMPBELL, and in the 
probable timidity of the feminine public aforesaid. In the depths of 
my sympathy, I beg you to 

Accept the assurance of my consideration, 




P.S. I would advise you by way of memento to have nailed to your 
counter two half-crowns. Perhaps you may obtain the identical two 
all too rashly condemned by BRUTUS, the cashier, as tendered by Miss 
ELLEN GUI AVES, the gentlewoman, carrying in her face heaven's " i"<- 
of recommendation." 



BORN PHYSICIANS OF THE STATE. 

THE creation of MB. JUSTICE PARKE a peer for the term of his 
natural life will, it is expected, give rise to much discussion in the 
Upper House. It will be considered in the light of an attack on the 

Ermciple of hereditary legislatorship, regarded by many hereditary 
igislators, and their tailors, and other dependents, as one.of the bul- 
warks of the British constitution. By other noblemen it will be con- 
sidered as a step towards rendering the Peerage a natural nobility. A 
compromise may be proposed between those who consider that the 
capacity of legislation has to be acquired, and those who deem it 
hereditary. As the son of a doctor is not recognised as a born physician, 
so neither let the son of a peer be, simply as such, accepted as a born 
lawmaker. 

But, on the other hand, as in the medical profession, the seventh son 
of a seventh son is popularly esteemed a naturally qualified practitioner, 
so ; not the eldest son, but the seventh son of the seventh son of a peer, 
might be entitled, on the mere ground of birth, to a seat in the House 
of Lords ; and if this plan were adopted, the hereditary element in that 
august assembly would, without being abolished, be reduced to that 
proportion, in which it would operate most advantageously for the 
national welfare. 



A Bitter Plant. 

SOME wicked wag of a friend has planted a beggar at the gates of 
! the British Embassy at Paris. He is in attendance every evening after 
eight o'clock, and it is his business to offer, according to the Parisian 
custom, toothpicks for sale to every one who leaves the Embassy. It 
is quite clear that the beggar can only have been planted there from 
the mere love of sport and practical joking ; for upon inquiry we have 
ascertained that, though he has been stationed at his post regularly 
every night, for the last two months, he has not yet sold a single tooth- 
pick. In fact, every visitor, to whom he makes the offer, rejects it 
. with the greatest derision and con'umely. He has narrowly escaped 
being chastised for his impudence more than once. 



EECTIFICATION OF THE BOUNDARY OF 
HAMPSTEAD HEATH. 

Now would be just SIR 
THOMAS MARYON 
WILSON'S time for 
getting a bill ena- 
bling him to enclose 
Hampstead Heath 
smuggled through 
Parliament. Every- 
body's attention 
beingengrossedwith 
matter so momen- 
tous as the Peace 
Negotiations and 
our relations with 
America, the inte- 
rests of the Cock- 
neys are little likely 
to obtain the 
slightest measure 
of consideration. 
Whether the mouth 
of the Danube shall 
be free, is a question 
which bids fair to 
exclude all solicitude 
as to the extent of 
range which shall be 
accorded to donkeys 
and the,ir riders in 
and about the Vale of 
Health. The rectifi- 
cation of the CZAR'S 
boundary will pre-occupy senators who would otherwise not be indifferent 
or unconcerned respecting the limits prescribed to WILSON by his 
father's will. Now, then, SIK THOMAS MABYON WILSON may push 
his annual bill on with good hope of success. Nobody will be in the 
least alarmed, or even interested, by the information that a bill has 
accordingly been read a second time in the House of Lords under the 
name of the Leases and Sales of Settled Estates Bill, which, according 
to the LORD CHANCELLOR, is a similar measure to one which passed 
their Lordships' house last session ; but which, haying been altered by 
the House of Commons, " with reference to a particular case," did not 
become law. It is now going, or has gone, down to the lower House, 
minus the alteration in reference to "that particular case." The 
following remarks, which fell from LORD COLCHESTEB on the second 
reading of the bill in question, will no doubt set the Metropolitan mind 
quite at rest with reference to the particular case in point : 

" LOBD COLCHESTER said, that the effect of the bill which had heen introduced on 
the part of SIR T. M. WILSON would not be, as was generally alleged, the Enclosure of 
Hampstead Heath, and would not be to deprive the public of any enjoyment they 
derived from that favourite place of resort." 

The vexatious vigilance and jealousy of the London public and its 

representatives having been, as of course they will be, completely lulled 

by the above assurance, nobody of course will take the trouble to 

inquire, whether LORD COLCHESTER is mistaken or not in the vitw 

i which he takes of the prospective operation of the bill that has been 

! introduced on the part of SIB T. M. WILSON. SIB T. M., by the 

exercise of a little adroitness, will be in a position to reap the reward 

of his long-suffering, and slip anv little clause which may suit his 

convenience under noses engaged upon another scent. The Heath 

1 will then no longer be trodden by an unprofitable public ; trim villas, 

surrounded by green fences, and gleaming in the splendour of stucco 

and compo, will arrest the gaze of the genteel and the progress of the 

vulgar ; the mob will be restricted to the premises of its own Jack 

Straw, and well-dressed children will pluck flowers on the site of the 

ponds where coarsely-clad urchins now catch sticklebacks. 



"BEST SECONDS." Quakers, or friends that give information to the 
Police, so that you are not allowed to fight. 






Deterioration of the English Public. 

IN something more than three-and-twenty nights, the Drury Lane 
Manager has, he tells us, taken 23,000. This is at about a thousand 
pounds a-night. When Drury Lane was at its highest prices, it was 
once n ade to hold 900. This was when GEOBGE THE FOTTRTH, after 
a long retirement, appeared in the Royal box, and the loyal public were 
only top happy to pay to be allowed to stand in the lobbies or sit on 
the staircases. And now, it seems, the present proprietor of Drury 
Lane, at something less than half-prices, takes nearly a thousand pounds 
per night ! What does this prove, but that Englishmen have undergone 
a frightful deterioration of bulk and stature since the reign of ELLIS- 
TON ; it being very plain two Englishmen of our time hardly occupying 
the place of one in his day ! 



70 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 16, 1856. 



A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SKYE-TERRIER PUPPY. 




DBOW6ILT MFLECIS ON THINGS IS GENERAL. ***>* ', "' 



DIBCOVKES THAT UK STANDS IK NEKO OF RKFEEBH- UlB WlBUES ABK ATTBKDBD TO. " My Sky Shall HOt Want." 

TUB SANK BY EATING i BE Henry V, Act iii. Sc. 7. 




TAKES A SIESTA ; PREFERRING TO LIE IN UNCOM- 
FORTABLE, MOT TO BAY AI16UED, PoSlTIOSS. 



Is TAKES A WALK. FOLLOWS, BEACIIFOLLV! 



Is TROUBLED WITH 




E>DEAYUt'U.-; TO MAhK A JUGGERNAUT O 



MAKES A COWARDLY AND UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON A LADY "SS^S^^S^SSSl^SSff^ 

OF TESDEB YEARS. " 1 he persecutions of the sky." GRIN, IOGETI 

King Lear, Act ii. Sc. 3. 



PROGRESSION. 




Is ACAIX TROUHLED WITH Fl,"s. A'.fl. T/lil lute- Is HUSTLED INTO A CORNER BV SOHR PLAYFUL LAKES, TAKES A BATH; A SAKITARY PROCESS WHICH IS 

resting proaai it repealed every three minutes. WHO " FLOUT THE SKY." MORE USEFUL THAN OSNAJUUITAL. 




IN 1HK Mllitil.K (I' TIIK 

Ak'U UOOORDLY UKTU HISKS TU GO 

.. rURTIIKK. 



UETURKB HOME, AND AMUSRS HIHSKLF WITH A BOOK. 



I'nmxl bj WiUim Bradburr, of ^o. 13. Upper Wobiiro Pl.ce. and fredtrick Mullett Kyiim, 01 No. 1, (Jae-a' Hon. We.t, K-^-n.' Park, bolk In lth Pariih of St. Pucrai, in 'In Count; o< Mlddlenei. 
Pr.nten, at their cifccr in Lombard Smt. In tin J'Koout of WUtaCriaii, tai Uu Cit; al LoaJoj, and l'ubliUe jr them al Ao. 3o, Fleet iuiet, In the fulih ol St. Bnde, ia tlie Citr 01 
- Sin' ami, 1 tbnuuj 16, IttC. 



FEBRUARY 23, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



71 




Blanche. " OH, is THERE NOT, DEAR EMILY, SOMETHING DELICIOUS ABOUT 
SPBING 1 WE SHALL SOON HAVE ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BIRDS SINGING, AND IDE 
BANES AND THE GREEN FIELDS COVERED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS ! " 

Emily. " OH, TES ! AND WITH IT WILL COME ALL THE NEW BONNET SHAPES 

FROM PARIS, AND THE LOVELY NEW PATTERNS FOR MORNING DRESSES ! " 

[Disgusting f 



WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 

WENSLEY-LE-DALE hath no stain on his ermine, 

WENSLEY-LE-DALE hath no feuds to determine, 

WENSLEY-LE-DALE is wise, weighty, and winning, 

Yet WENSLEY-LE-DALE 'gainst the Peerage is sinning 

Take a title for life not to go to heirs male ! 

The Lords won't stand that, my bold WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 

The BARON OF BAREACEES pockets his pride, 
Begs, borrows, a-nd sponges and shirks, far and wide, 
He trades on his title, and discounts his name, 
His conduct is wild, and his speeches are tame ; 
Yet peers, strictest park'd in propriety's pale, 
Like BAREACRES better .than WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 

For WENSLEY-LE-DALE not a Law-Lord will fight, 
Though his pleas were so sharp and his judgments so bright: 
To WENSLEY-LE-DALE, as ex-judge, yet not Lorri, 
Neither woolsack nor peer's bench a seat will afford ; 
Like MAHOMET'S coffin, till CRANWORTII prevail, 
In a sort of Lords' Limbo hangs WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 

WENSLEY-LE-DALE with his summons is come. 

" Who are you ? " ask'd their Lordships, obstructive and 

glum; 
" Though the QUEEN 'gainst the peers don't like setting 

her will, 

There is," quoth bold PARKE, "a Prerogative still ; 
So 'tis no use to meet me with FERGUSON'S tale, 
Of ' You cannot lodge here,' " said WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 

LORD LYNDHURST was steel, and LOUD CAMPBELL was 

stone. 

They scoff" d at his patent and bade him begone ; 
An appeal to the Lords as 'tis idle to try, 
Give their Priv'lege Committee and them the go-bye ; 
We wantpeers to judge causes, but not their heirs male, 
And the Country will stand by bold WENSLEY-LE-DALE. 



Sage -worth Gathering. 

SOMEBODY has said, and a great many people put faith in 
the saying, that " We ought always to believe less than we 
are told." This may be a safe maxim for general use, but 
when a woman entrusts you, in confidence of course, with 
her age, you may always believe a great deal more than you 
are tola. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

THE Senators, hatted and coroneted, began the Session far too 
energetically to leave the least hope that they would keep on at so 
creditable a pace ; and the past week was as nearly wasted as possible. 
Everybody has been rising to postpone everything. 

February lltA, Monday. LORDS CARDIGAN and LUCAN signified 
their opinion, that they bad not had justice done them ; and the country 
thoroughly adopts this conviction. Mr. Pnncli has, however, tried to 
do them (and the system of which they, and SIR R. AIREY, and LORD 
ABERDEEN'S son, GORDON, and some other notorieties, are types) a 
little justice in his grand Cartoon this week. They pretend that the 
Crimean Commission has taken away their characters as professional 
soldiers ; as if that was not the very best thing that could be done for 
them. They blustered about the decorations which the Fountain of 
Honour had been unfortunately advised to give them- and LORD 
HARDWICKE, who is an exceedingly silly ex-captain in the Navy, made a 
BDeech worthy of himself, or an officer on the quarter-deck of the 
Victoria TKeatre, to the effect, that if he had been so insulted, he would 
have torn off his decorations from his breast, and dashed them at the 
feet .of his Sovereign. Perhaps HARDWICKE will abstain from tearing 
off his honours until he earns some. According to the Peerage, his 
chief services have been to "wait" on KING CLICQUOT and EMPEROR 
NiCHOLAS.when they came here and for this, he is, very likely, fit enough. 
LORD PANMURE quietly told the blusterers to wear their decorations ; 
for, though all the censure upon them would be shown to be just, the 
honours were not given to them as wise officers, but only as bold 
soldiers. Whereat the goose HASDWICKE declared himself comforted. 

EARL GREY, with his usual good feeling, tried to embarrass Ministers 
m reference to an alleged discrepancy between some diplomatic reports 
furnished by COLONEL ROSE and LORD STRATFORD. For this he was 
rather well snubbed by LORD CLARENDON, who showed the unimport- 
ance of the affair, beyond its proving that PRINCE MENSCHIKOFF, 
when bullying the poor Turkish Ministers, had actually frightened them 

VOL. xxx. 



into telling stories. CLARENDON introduced a little puff for STRATPORD, 
who, he declared, was the best friend Turkey had in the whole world. 

In the Commons, SIR. CHARLES WOOD brouzht on the Navy 
Estimates, asking, in the first place, a trifle like 300,000 to meet a 
miscalculation, and then various millions, arranged in pleasing items of 
divers amounts, ranging as high as 6,000,000 and as low as a con- 
temptible 2,000. The Committee talked a good deal, but forked out 
the money with an alacrity which gave great joy to the heart of 
MR. SAMTJEL WARREN, M.P. He had naturally feared that he 
should be rather intolerable, but .was delighted to find the Commons 
so willing to stand SAM. 

Tuesday. The Lords got upon the PARKE Peerage again, and actually 
had out old patents of the time of RICHARD THE SECOND, in law Latin, 
to help them to a decision. LORD CAMPBELL grew very vulgar in his 
language, this Lord Chief Justice actually stating that he had threatened 
the LORD CHANCELLOR that " he would make a row about the matter." 
Really the CAMPBELLS are coming coming it in fact rather strong. 
The subject was adjourned, after mucb useless chat, until the following 
Monday. 

MR. LAYAKD obtained from LORD PALMERSTON the explanation that 
though Sardinia joins the Peace Congress, she is not to be admitted to 
that which is now sitting at Constantinople to confer equal rights upon 
all the subjects of the Porte, and in honour of which the Sultan went 
to the fancy ball at the English Ambassador's. 

The Tory lawyers are coming out. This day ME. NAPIER tried to 
get a Minister o't' Justice appointed, who should see that Parliament 
did not pass laws that were nonsensical as well as unjust. The Govern- 
ment stoutly resisted such an innovation, but a resolution was agreed 
to, that provision ought to be made for having the laws properly, pre- 
pared. And on a later day SIR FITZROY KELLY, in a very good speech, 
asked leave (which he obtained) to bring in a bill for consolidating the 
statute law relative to offences against the person. This is something, 
but nearly all the lawyers set themselves against codification not seeing 
why the people should have laws they can understand ? 



72 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 23, 1856. 



A debate whether there should be a harbour in Cardigan Bay (the 
proposal was rejected by a large majority) simply brought out the 
deliberate assertion, and satisfactory proof, that SIR CHARLES WOOD. 
First Lord of the Admiralty, " possessed no nautical knowledge at all." 
But qu^s viiupcratit who ever said he had any ? 

A Select Committee was appointed on the adulteration of food, 
drinks, and drugs ; so now let the great British Merchant and the 
liuL British Retailer look out for squalls. 

It Klnfsdiy. A bill, introduced by LORD BLANDFORD, for amending 
our parochial system by constructing new parishes and making fresh 
pmvi-iou for worship according to the rites of the Church of England, 
wa J&d a second time, and sent to a Committee. 

Thursday. In a squabble about poor Bu RKE ROCHE'S Peerage, it came 
out l hat no Irish Hi er has any chance of being elected to the House of 
Lords, unless the EARL OF DEKBY approves of him. Well, we cannot 
say i kit we object to this arrangement ; for, though by no means followers 
of LOUD DRHBY, we deem it better that a decent English nobleman 
should look after the Irish Lords, and be responsible for their doings, 
than that, such a body should be left to their own ways. At the same 
time, as these Irish Lords have voices in making our laws, a large 
power is given to LOHD DERBY; and we h> pe he trains his aristociats 
as ca^fully as he does his horses. LOED ELLENBOROUGH very pro- 
perly brought forward the case of Merchant-Seamen, who complain of 
beii g compelled to go to sea in unseaworthy vessels. The Government 
stated that attention had been given to the suhject ; so, of course, 
nothing will be done. 

In the Commons, after the Consolidation debate of which mention has 
been made, tne first personal squabble of the Session took place. Some 
of the Irish judges, though in the full preservation of their intellects, 
are very old, and one of them, BARON PENNEFATHEE, is blind. The 
Government, without liking to urge the latter to retire (they have not 
the audaci'y of the old Whigs, who actually bustled out the venerable 
Pi.u KKTT to give his place to the Scotchman, LOED CAMPBELL), 
would be glad to have the situation to give away. SIE JOHN SHDLLEY, 
who is a rather emply party, and who likes to make a noise, got up the 
case, and, on division, his motion on the subject was carried by 132 to 



121. ME. DISBAELI made a very poor speech ; and one of his jokes 
about BARON PBNNEFATHER'S infirmity, namely, that " blindness was a 
characteristic of jusi ice," extorted an indignant "Oh!" "Oh!" He 
also referred to " blind old DANDOLO," who took Constantinople ; as if 
this had anything to do with the case of a gentleman who had to take, 
not cities, but notes. BEN, in fact, was shockingly flat, and must do 
better than this, if he means to please his Punch. 

Friday. The Clock T'.wer seems to make the Lords quite uncom- 
fortable. Another of them came out with a grievance, touching the 
figures on the dial. LORD GRANVILLE in reply, read a letter from the 
architect, stating, in effect, that he knew what he was doing, and should 
manage it in his own way. The BISHOP OF EXETER, in reference to a 
complaint that certain grave-yards were not consecrated, explained 
that it was quite impossible to consecrate a piece of ground unless it 
was fenced off, with a wall and iron railings, from the last resting place 
of Dissenters and wicked people of that kind. The bill for appointing 
a Minister of Education was read a second time, several Lords 
expressing the most benign concern lest the humbler class should be 
over-taught, and induced to think that incessant " work" was not the 
object for which they were created. LORD LANSDOWNE was an 
honourable exception, and moreover urged that to teach the females of 
that class " how to cook " was even kinder than teaching them the 
three ll's. The hint, might be taken by classes of higher social stand- 
ing. No woman who can't cook ought to be allowed to marry, and the 
seventh bad dinner a wile permits should be cause for divorce a mensd. 

In the Commons, MR. ROEBUCK opened fire again about America, and 
was rebuked for unstatesmanlike impatience by LORD PALMERSION. 
ME. DISBAELI had not intended to speak he never intends but, et 
cetera. For anything good that he said, he had better have availed 
himself of the opportunity of holding his tongue. The CHANCELLOR OF 
THE EXCHEQUER introduced a bill for altering the scale of Super- 
annuations in the Civil Service, and by way of illustration quoted some 
Macaronic verses, which possibly showed that he had studied M. 
OCTAVE DELIIPIERRE'S delightful book on such poems, but no more 
helped the matter than he would have done if he had imitated 
Y. DOODLE, stuck a feather in his crown, and called it Macaroni. 



DECORATIONS FOR HEART AND HEAD. 

EFEEBING to two noble lords, 
accused by the Crimean Com- 
missioners of gross incapacity 
and unfitness for command, 
but who nevertheless have 
received promotion and other 
marks of Royal favour for 
their conduct in the Crimea, 
the EARL OF HARDWICKE is 
reported to have made the 
following declaration in the 
House of Peers : 

" My Lords, I do declare for my- 
self as a British officer, that if I 
had first of all been honoured with 
decorations as these officers have 
been, and had afterwards been re- 
flected upon as this report reflects 
upon them, I would tear those deco- 
rations from my breast and return 
them to my Sovereign." 

LORD PANinntE having 
explained that the decorations 
in question had been conferred 
simply for gallant acts in the 
face of the enemy, the noble 
Earl is further reported to 
have expressed himself as 
rendered extremely happy by 

this information; it being precisely what he "wished to hear; f> 

namely, that 

" Whatever reflection might be cast by the report on those gallant officers, it does 
not touch their honour as soldiers, and that they have received their decorations for 
their conduct in battle and for their eminent services in the field." 

Now, the noble LORDS CARDIGAN and LUCAN, the decorated and 
accused officers, deny the impeachment of the Commissioners, and 
engage to refute it ; in the meantime it remains a question to be tried, 
whether their Lordships are fools, or those who have represented them 
as such are mistaken. Even should the Commissioners be proved to 
have spoken the truth, still there will be no reason why the t.o 
gallant and noble officers should not continue to wear the decorations 
which they have merited by their personal courage. The demonstra- 
tion of their folly will not, as LORD HARDWICKE says, touch their 
honour as soldiers that is as dragoons. In that case it will be quite 
unnecessary that they should resign their present decorations, but it 




will be very desirable that they should receive others. It will be just 
that their bosoms should continue to be decorated with stars ; but at 
the same time it will be proper that the cap of each of them should be 
embellished with a pair of long ears. 



HOW ARE YOU, MY BOY? 

THE Standard, in giving an account of the first appearance of ME. 
SAMUEL WARREN in the House of Commons, says, that "the Honour, 
able Member seemed to be jn good health and spirits." Of course, as 
the Standard has thought it necessary to record this fact, there is 
something about it which our contemporary considers remarkable. 
Was it expected that ME. WABEEN would have appeared depressed, 
dull, out of sorts, out of health, dismal, and despondent, on taking his 
seat in Parliament? Perhaps it was thought that the quizzing the 
learned gentleman had experienced might have told upon him ; but it 
would take a great many bushels of chaff to extinguish our honourable 
friend, who is not likely to allow his light such as it is to be hidden 
under a single bushel. By the way, he has promised that he will never 
say an ill-natured thing of anybody, during the whole time that be is 
permitted to sit in the House of Commons. We shall be happy to 
witness his performance of the character of the Good-Naturef Man. 
which, we suspect, he will find it rather difficult to preserve to the end 
of the Session. 

Oxford in London. 

THB Dons of Oxford have resolved that "it would not promote the 
morals and intellects of the working-classes " of London, to admit them 
to the Museum and National Galleries on Sunda\ s. Ergo, the Red 
Bull beer-shop deals in better teaching than the Bulls of Nmeveh ; and 
the Cat and Bagpipes tea-gardens, with gin and shag tobacco, are more 
moral and intellectual in their influence than the wonders ot TUKNEB 
and the glories of CLAUDE. Such is the opinion of Oxford; and, 
doubtless, Oxford knows best. 



LITERARY AND CLEEICAL. 



WE understand that ARCHDEACON HALE is preparing a lit'le work 
as a Companion to the Three Experiments of Living. The Archdeacon's 
book is to be called the Experiment of Three (or more) Livings. 



A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE. 



WHEN may a man be said to be literally immersed in business ? 
When he 's giving a swimming lesson. 



FEBRUARY 23, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 




THE SAVAGE AND THE MAIDEN. 

THE Indian Intel- 
ligence of one 
of the papers in- 
forms us of a 
rumour that a 
young lady has 
fallen into the 
hands of the 
Santhals, who 
have given her 
the rather odd 
name of MABEL 
THE MILDEWED. 
It is said that 
the Santhals pay 
her every pos- 
sible respect, 
but we should 
be inclined to 
fear that the at- 
tentions of this 
ra*her turbulent 
tribe would not 
be very delicate. 
Santhal ideas of 
politeness may 
differ very ma- 
terially from 

European notions of good manners, and we should imagine that the 
young lady would rather be treated with indifferencs and contempt than 
be made the object of any demonstration of what might be considered 
respect by her new and strange companions. 

As the whole story seems to rest upon the alleged finding of a parasol, 
a white muslin dre^s, and a pair of satin slippers, it would appear that 
the " respectful treatment " the young lady has experienced, consists in 
having had her clothes torn off her back, by way of a commencement 
of the " delicate attentions," which the Santhals are said to be showing 
her. We are, however, happy to say, that we disbelieve the whole 
story; and we suspect that MABEL THE MILDEWED exists nowhere 
but in the mUty imagination of some foggy paragraph-monger for the 
Indian Newspapers. 



MEASURES, NOT MEN. 

WE understand it is the intention of Government to issue a new 
Set of Tables, of Military Weights and Measures, calculated by the 
standard in use at the Horse Guards. We have obtained the following 
specimens : 

Measure of (ln)cipacity. 

Three Boobies make . . . One FILDEH. 

Four FILDERS . . . . One GORDON. 

Six GORDONS .... One AIBEY. 

Ten AIREYS One HARDINGE. 

(The last being the highest denomination of (In)capacity known 
at the Horse-Guards.) 



Cavalry Weight. 

Two Black-bottles make . 
Ten Rows . 
Twenty Scandals 
Two Commands . 
Fifty Blunders 



One Row. 
One Scandal. 
One Command. 
One Blunder. 
One Hero. 



PALME RSTON ON AN " ARMISTICE." 

MR. EWART begged to ask of LORD PALMEBSTON Would articles 
contraband of War, such as brimstone, saltpetre, &c., be permitted, 
during the "aimistiee," to be shipped to Russia. 

LOKD PALMEKSTON recommended the commercial public generally, 
to wait to learn if there be an armistice, and if an armistice, what sort 
of " armistice ! " 

From which Punch draws this commercial and political moral. 
Mem. Not to send at a venture saltpetre, sulphur, and oiher com- 
bustible conaponen's to sea, means that we had better put our trust in 
PAM and keep our powder dry. 



THE FACTION SONG. 

SLIGHTLY ALTERED FBOM MAGINN, 

And sung at tlm Opposition Parliamentary Dinners. 

COME, DIZZY, my Jewel, says DARBY, come, let us be off to the Fair, 
For the Palmerstons, all in their glory, decidedly mean to be there ; 
Says they, the whole Derbyite faction, we've banish'd 'em out clear 

and clane, 
But we '11 see if the impident wretches their Treasury seats can retain. I 

We 've HENLEY, and TROLLOPE, and WALPOLE, as civil a lad as e'er 

spoke, 

'Twould make your eyes water to see him endeavour to make out a joke; 
And STANLEY, who knows what he 's after, and GRANBY, O let him 

alone ; 
An argument makes less impression on him than a kick on a stone. 

There 's long-winded PACK up from Droitwich, with all his statistics 

of gaol, 

And SFOONER the Beautiful Tor)', so prompt at the Papists to rail ; 
And leather-lung'd BALL, the ex-preacher, a boy of the right sort of stuff, 
Who '11 dcone, with a House in " confusion," and not comprehend the 

rebuff. 

There 's MALMESBUEY, pleasing to look at, and ready to drop on his 

knees, 
And humbly implore that the Despots will do with him just as they 

please, 

And EGLINTOUN, Lord of the Tourney, as eager to go in and win 
As when, couching an innocent broomstick, he tilted in Drury Lane tin. 

There 's Luc AN, who won the Crimea, and CARDIGAN, hero and sage, 
And RODEN, who roars like a good one whenever he gets in a rage, 
And RICHMOND the modest and silent, in fact quite a ducalised Lacon, 
And VKRULAM, who is let's see yes, who 's not a descendant of 
BACON. 

There 's THESIGEH, fluent as ever, I hope they won't make him a judge> 
We haven't a man on the benches so charmingly ready with fudge ; 
Your weapon, 1 know, is Invective, which some of the Ministers fear, 
But I think that a statesman 's more manly, who fights, as I do, with 
a Jeer. 

We '11 cut out some work for old HANSARD, spout three doz?n columns 

or so, 

Then lustily bawl for divisions, and into the lobbies we '11 go ; 
And if we get lick'd, as is likely, we "11 wait for the next merry night, 
When, mustering again in a body, we'll show my LORD PALMERSTON 

fight. 



THE PUFF PARENTAL. 

OUB eyes have lately been offended, and our "finer feelings" 
outraged by large placards on the walls commencing with the words, 
" Do MAMMA," and going off into a vulgar puff of some cheap mart for 
the sale of all sorts of articles. As this kind of thing is on the increase, 
we must protest at once against the mixing up of the assumed 
innocence of infancy with all the artful dodging of the oldest and most 
experienced adepts in the art of puffery. We are not admirers of the 
flogging system, but if any child deserves to be soundly whipped, it is 
the one who could assail the ears of its parent with a shrill shriek of, " Do 
Mamma, take me to MRS. ISRAEL'S, and buy me a four-and-tenpenny 
bonnet, which is thirty per cent, less than at any other house ; and the ! 
address is No. 4, Gammon Row, tlie third turning on the left after you ' 
get past the end of Spinach Gardens." If a boy were to say such a 
thing in our hearing, we should be tempted to address ourselves at once 
to the brat's father, and v ciferate, "Do, Papa, go to MR. BIRCH'S, 
and buy a rod, and lay it about the back of that precocious urchin at 
the earliest possible opportunity." If the objectionable kind of thing 
we are referring to is not put down, we don't know where it may end, 
and if urchins are to address impertinent observations to their Papas 
and Mammas, for the purpose of puffing, we may expect to see the walls 
of London placarded with the words, "Do, Grandmamma, purchase 
those eggs 1 am going to teach you to suck at the shop of MR. ADDLE, 
who sells tht;m cheaper than any other house in the trade, and has 
such nice sausages at such a low figure." 



The Double Dilemma. 



POOR MR. CORNWALL LEWIS is perhaps in a worse plight than any 
A VERY SUSPICIOUS CASE. A "Violin-case, with a coronet, was seen other CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER that has held office during 
last week amongst the railway-luggage on its way to Paris. It had the last twenty years; for he has not only got to contend against the 
engraved on it the name of " WESTMORELAND." i National deficiency, but he has to struggle with his own. 



74 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 23, 1856. 




OUR LITTLE FRIEND TOM NODDY DETERMINES TO HAVE A DAY'S HUNTING IN A FRESH COUNTRY. 

T. N. (loq,) " WELL NOW, OLD FELLOW, WHAT SORT o' COUNTRY is IT WHERE WE AEE GOING TO-MORROW ? " 
His Friend. "On BEAUTIFUL! VERY EASY. BIGGISH BULLFINCHERS WITH A DITCH ON ONE SIDE. TIMBER OF COURSE, SUCH AS 
POSTS AND BAILS, AND THAT SOKT or THING; AND IF WE GO TO MUDBDRY, NOTHING BUT RAZOR-BACKED BANKS AND WATER!" 



QUEEN TITANIA DECORATES BOTTOM. 

(From SUAKSPEARE'S Midsummer Night's Dream.) 
SCENE Near Windsor. 

QUEI?N TITANIA is discovered asleep. Enter the bad Fairies, CORONET, 
ROUTINE, NEPOTIST, RED TAPE, SVSTEM, BACKSTAIRS, TWADDLE, 
inul GOLDSTICK. They dance round her with sinister gestures. 
ROUTINE advances, with thejloumr Hum/jug. 

Routine. What thou seest, when thou dost wake, 
Do it for a Hero take, 

[Squeezes the flower on the Queen's eyelids. 
Honour it for England's sake. 
If it be a Quarter-Master 
Who bath wrought a host's disaster, 
If it be a brainless Lord, 
Vain of trappings, spurs, and sword, 
In thine eye it shall appear 
U'hat a Monarch should hold dear. 
Wake, when some vile thing is near. {Exeunt Fairies. 

Enter BOTTOM, with an Ass's head. 

'Bottom. Truly, I have come from the Crimea, which some say is in 
Russia. Why 1 was sent thither 1 know not, being but an ass ; but, 
marry, they were greater asses that sent me. I went to feed and to 
lead lions, and truly I have fed and led them, and that in such sort that 
they need feeding and leading no more. Now for my reward, for I 
humbly hope a worshipful ass may be rewarded for his good service. 
What have we here ? A Newspaper faugh ! 

[Brays angrily and tramples on the Journal. The noise awakes TlTANIA. 
Titania. I pray thee, gallant creature, sing again. 

Mine eyes are much enamour'd of thy shape, 
And in thy look wisdom and courage show. 



Such was the head that on the Russian shore 
Took order for the victuals of my troops, 
And for their winter blankets, and their huts. 
Such was the head that plann'd that fatal charge, 
And such the head that made it,- and that after 
Provided for the horses, and did teach them 
How good for dinner were their fellows' tails. 
Bottom. Truly, mistress, 'twas even no better and no worse a man, 
that is to say, an ass, than myself. But a modest ass will riot, praise 
himself. Wilt ask WILL RUSSELL, or JOHN M'NsiLL, or DARBY 
GRIFFITH, or NANTY CKOOKSHANK what a right precious ass I was ? 
Titania. I know thy deeds. . My Ministers have told me, 
As has my dear old woman, MOTHER HARDINGE, 
And all around me, on whose information 
I must, perforce, rely, that thou hast done 
That which should be rewarded. Therefore take 
Orders, and rank, and pay, with our Court favour. 

[Decorates him. 

Bottom. Behold, what an excellent thing it is to be an Ass, in a wise 
country like unto England ! 

[Dances on the Newspaper, braying, until SCENE closes. 



Justice in a Row. 



IN the WENSLEYDALE debate upon the life peerage, LORD CAMPBELL 
in self-exculpat;on declared, that he had privately, but "distinctly stated 
to his noble and learned friend (the LORD CHANCELLOR) that he should 
be obliged to make a row about it when Parliament met." Who, put 
of the major circle of the peerage, could ever believe that a live, 
hereditary peer could just like a policeman talk of a "tow?" 
What, then, will be the amazement of merely common people to learn 
that even the awful LORD CHIEF JUSTICE of England has, in the 
security of private life, been heard to " dern his buttons," and to " dash 
his wig ? " 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FEBRUARY 23, 1856. 




SCENE FROM A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. 

(As Performed at Windsor Castle.) 

TITANIA, QUEEN OF THE FAIB.IES . . . . HEE M J-STT. BOTTOM .... . BY GENEBAI MISMANAGEMENT^ 



FEBRUARY 23, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



77 




THE TRUE CORRTJPTERS OF SOCIETY DETECTED. 

OUR Scotch friends have solved 
one of the most perplexing 
problems that can embarrass a 
thirsty and pious people. They 
have demonstrated to the world 
the possibility of combining the 
maximum of psalm-singing with 
the maximum of drunkenness. 
In this good work Glasgow has 
taken the lead, what wonder 
therefore that out of Glasgow 
should come forth a prophet, a 
spiritual detective, able to point 
his pen at woiks, the offspring 
of choice humour wedded to 
sweet humanity, as the fountain 
heads of corruption ? 

Listen to our Spiritual Police- 
man, A 1, in the Glasgow Com- 
monwealth of January 26th ! He 
has read " the first class litera- 
ture of the last twenty years," 
and declares that 

" This literature, as seen in the 
writings of CARLYLE and EMERSON, 
THACKERAY and DICKENS, eminently 
popular, splendid, and powerful, now 
stands in fronted defiance to the 
Christian character, name, and hopes. At first these writers caught the popular 
ear by works at least innocent if not healthful, in design and temper; gradually a 
pantheistic mysticism crept out, and charmed with its syren song of beauty and 
witchery. But now the mask is thrown aside, and these names, of which we were once 
so proud, now symbolise the wickedest and foulest attempt to blast our hopes for time 
and for eternity 1 " 

Chaplains are accustomed (o make wretched culprits declare that j 
ey <r owe it all to breaking the Sabbath," and hence conclude, not 



they u .. u iv .. v ---o > 

that good schools are too few, but that those trying to multiply them 

by making Crystal Palaces as accessible as gin-palaces, are children of 

i Satan. Now, however, they have a new cue ! Let them ask some 

I fellow wishing a ticket of leave. Whether he has not read DICKENS and 

JJTiiACKERAY ? and by making the ticket dependent on his answer, an 

"["Immense mass of evidence will be accumulated, which shall be a 

i stumbling block in the path of poor Little Don-it, and a gratification 

for ever to those who love their creed better than they love their 

neighbours ! 

But our policeman continues his evidence against our ill-chosen yet 
beloved friends. 

" They have traduced our Bible; caricatured the ministers of religion; called our 
Sabbaths a weariness, and mocked our faith in Christ." 

Chadband! uuctuous dhadband ! holy Stiggins, vessel of grace 
and liquor ! ye have found a champion at last ! Religion will vanish, if 
a Stiggins may not enjoy his social toddy without publicly staggering 
through the street ! The faith of good men is mocked, if a Ckadband 
love to breathe a prayer over buttered toast better than by the side of 
the fever stricken ! 

" Shut out from hope in futurity, these writers nrge their dupes to enjoy the present ! " 

It is well MB. DICKENS and MR. THACKEKAT should know that 
their fate is decided. EMERSON and CARLYLE are to be their com- 
panions, which is one consoling reflection. For the rest, let them j 
make themselves easy, Mr. Punch will endeavour to be as near them as 
he can to cheer their spirits, and turn the worst folly into a smile. 



BANES AND ANTIDOTES. 

" MR. PUNCH, 

" ARE you not dreadfully shocked, Sir, by the very numerous 
cases of poisoning, both accidental and wilful, which have lately hap- 
pened ? For m\ part, I shudder as of I en as the question occurs to me 
what should 1 do if I were to eat a lot of aconite by mistake for 
horseradish with my sirloin, or swallow a large quantity of arsenic in 
my soup ? 

" Would you, in such case, advise me to send for the Surgeon, Sir ? 
Do you think I should act. prudently in submitting my interior to the 
stomach-pump, or taking fifteen grains or a scruple of ipecacuanha or 
sulphate of zinc ? Or is it not lather your opinion, that my wiser plan 
would be, to take as an antidote to the deadly substance exerting its 
pernicious agency within me, say the millionth cf a grain of some 
other poison of a similar nature ? 

" For you see, Sir I presume you see that, if like cures like, and 
cures it, in infinitesimal quantities, the scientific and rational antidote 
to any poison in any quantity, must necessarily be simply a dose of a 
like poison in an ii)fiaite>imal quantity. 

" Therefore suppose what a supposition ! that myself, and MHS. P., 
and all our little pleds.es of afftci.ion, should some day find ourselves 
poisoned at the conclusion of our family meal ; would not the right and 
proper prescription for our complaint be that of homoeopathic globules 
all round F 

" Of course I am aware, Sir, that all globules must be round. I do 
not mean to imply that any are square, except in the sense of squaring 
accurately with physiology, pathology, therapeutics, and common sense. 
These are hard word?, I know, and the last is, perhaps, the hardest. 

" Pardon me, Mr. Punch, for having addressed you, on what I know 
is no laughing matter. And yet, Sir, I will venture to affirm, that the 
momentous inquiry, which I respectfully beg to submit to yourself and 
the public, will, by many of your readers, be considered hardly a serious 
question ! I think otherwise, Mr. Punch. 1 regard it as not onjy a 
physician's question, a surgeon's question, an apothecary's question. 
Sir, I look upon it as being also an undertaker's question. If that is 
not a serious, I had rather not say a grave, question, I am a Dutch- 
man, and not your obedient servant 

" PATERFAMILIAS." 

*** By way of throwing some light on the question raised by our 
correspondent, we wpuld suggest that a trial be made by Government 
at Woolwich of infinitesimal globular shells, to see whether they are 
likely to do more execution than those of IS-inch diameter. 



M.P. for Midhurst. 

THE electors of Midhurst have indicated their profound sense of the 
sublime and beautiful by electing SAMUEL WARREN, Q. C., as their 
representative. Very vainly should we search through all election 
literature from venerable Gatton to modern Finsbury, to find anything 
like a parallel to MR. WARREN'S thanksgiving speech. It is a thing 
of perfume and honey. So much so that it may be truly said of the 
gifted gentleman that he enters the House of Commons with The Lily 
(in his button-hole) and the Bee (in his bonnet). 



THE CONFERENCE TABLE. 

WE learn that a handsome table has been prepared for the Pleni- 
potentiaries at Paris. Whatever the table may be, above all things let 
it have no secret drawers. 

THE LORD MAYOR'S TRUMPETER. A distinguished literary alder- 
man (need we name him ?) has contributed to the memory of the late 
Trumpeter the following terse epitaph" Blown out ! " 



RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR THE PEACE CONGRESS. 

(As agreed upon amongst the different Plenipotentiaries.)* 

I. Not more than two Plenipotentiaries to speak at once. 

II. No letter-writing, or drawing caricatures on the blotting-pads, to 
be allowed whilst the Congress is going on. 

III. If there be any difference of opinion, those who are in the 
minority are to stand a dinner, until such time as all the Plenipoten- 
tiaries do agree. 

IV. Prussia to be allowed a seat in the hall, if it chooses, with as 
much Champagne as it can drink ; but if it is caught listening at the 
keyhole, then the bottle instantly to be taken away from it. 

V. Austria to be reminded every time it attempts to say anything, 
that it has no mind or soul of its own, since it is now nothing more 
than a mere puppet iu the hands of the Pope, and that the present is 
no Papal question. 

VI. The subject of Poland to be rigidly tabooed. 

VII. Any one daring to breathe the name of Turkey to be instantly 
put down as malhonni'te, a snob, an spicier, a gent, a ntstre, a Coger, a 
parvenu, who forgets his own position, and is forgetful of what is due 
to the position of others, and to be snubbed and cut accordingly by all 
his gentlemanly confreres. 

VIII. The Opera, the Bouffes Parisiens, the Bourse, Salle decile, and 
Mabille to be perfectly neutral subjects. 

IX. Sardinia to hold its tongue. 

X. If England should so far forget herself as to mention one word 
about the expenses of the War, she is to be called to Order for the 
first offence ; and for the second, to be requested to leave the room. 

XI. No Strangers to be admitted, with the exceptions of LORDS 
CLARENDON and COWLEY. 

XII. No Smoking allowed. 

XIII. In all matters of dispute as to the division of territory, the 
question to be decided by France and Russia tossing up. 

* French and Russian f 



AN EPHEMERAL POPULARITY. The popularity of PRINCE ALBERT 
as a Field Marshal is decidedly of an F.M.eral nature ! 



73 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBKCAKT 23, 1856. 




" La. ! Mrs. Scraggks, what on earth do you do out such a day as this . 
"Out? Why, the Almanacks sayi there's to le a change o' mother 

to-morrer, and I 've lived lony enowjh to know that there 's never a dtanac 

but for theicuisl " 



PRUSSIA'S THREE CLAIMS. 

IT is well known, in diplomatic circles, that Prussia rests her claim to be 
represented at, the Paris Peace-Conference upon three grounds. We hare 
been favoured, by authority, with a series of documents, wherein these 
hree bases, upon which the Court of Berlin reposes its demand, are set 
forth ; and we subjoin them, textually. It will be seen that they con. 
sist of despatches, addressed by M. DJS MANTEUFFEL, the Prussian 
Minuter, to the representatives of his Sovereign at the Courts of 
England, France, and Russia. 

No. I. M. DE MANTEUFFEL to the COUNT DE BERNSTROFF, London. 

" MONSIEUR LE COMTE, You will immediately, upon the receipt of 
,ms despatch, obtain an interview with the EARL OF CLABENDON, and 
will once more press upon his Lordship, with your utmost urgency, the 
demand of His MAJESTY THE KING OF PRUSSIA, to accredit an Envoy 
to the Conference at Paris. His Majesty's Government, M. LE COMTE 
desires nothing, but that a truthful representation of the position and 
conduct of Prussia should be made. You will rest our claim solely 
and solemnly upon the fact, that the KING has acted throughout the 
War with a single eye to the interests of England; whose former 
friendship he loves to remember; and wiih whom, he hopes, ere long, to 
form a yet more interesting and affectionate relation. He has rejoiced 
at the victories of QUEEN VICTORIA'S arms; and has believed, that in 
partially softening the severities of her Baltic Blockade, by opening 
Prussia for the transit of Russian commerce, he was acting up to the 
wishes of her Government. So far from having been hostile or neutral 
therefore, His Majesty has been the Ally of England- and on this 
ground alone, M. LE COMTE, yon will entreat LOED CLARENDON to 
admit Prussia to the Conference. Receive, &c. 

" Berlin, February 3rd. " MANTEUFFEL." 

No. II. M. DE MANTEUFFEL to He COUNT DE HATZFELD, Paris. 

" MONSIEUR LE COMTE, Upon receiving this despatch, YOU will im- 
mediately obtain an interview with the COUNT COLONNA WALEWSKI, 
and will once more press upon his Excellency, with your utmost 
urgency, the demand of His MAJESTY THE KING OF PRUSSIA to 
accredit an Envoy to the Conference at Paris. His Majesty's Govern- 
ment, M. LE COMTE, desires nothing, but that a truthful representation 
of the position and conduct of Prussia should be made. You will rest 
onr claim solely and solemnly upon the fact, that the KING has acted 
throughout the War with a single eye to the most strict and implicit 
neutrality, swerving neither to the right hand nor the left- and 
While weeping tears of blood at the desolation of Europe, has never in 
the slightest degree favoured either the arms or the interest of either ; 



ferencc. Receive, &c. 
" Jlerlia, February 4M. 



belligerent. But he has laboured and prayed for Peace-, and, now that 
Peace has been accorded to his labours and prayers, he cannot brook 
the idea of not assisting at the solemnisation of the new hymen, 
the Marriage of the East and West. On the ground of our spotless 
Neutrality, therefore, and on this ground alone, M. LE COMTE, you will 
I implore the COUNT COLONNA WALEWSKI to admit Prussia to the Con- 

" MANTEUFFEL." 

No. III. M. DE MANTEUFFEL io the BARON DE WERTIIERN, 
St. Petersburg. 

"MONSIEUR LE BARON, Obtain, immediately upon receiving this 
despatch, an interview with the COUNT DE NESSKLROBE, and press 
upon his Excellency, if necessary, the demand of His MAJKSTY THE 
KING OF PRUSSIA to accredit an Envoy to the Conference at Paris. His 
.Majesty's Government, M. LE BARON, desires nothing but that a 
truthful representation of the position and conduct of Prussia should 
be made. We have no doubt that our claim is thoroughly appreciated 
by the Court of St. Petersburg, nevertheless it may be well to remind 
M. DE NESSELRODE that we rest it solely upon the fact that through- 
out the War, the King has acted with a single eye to the interests of 
Russia. He has baffled England, by rendering harmless her blockade 
in the Baltic, and he has intimidated France by opposing the bulk of 
Prussia to the godless march threatened upon Courland. Of the 
money raised for Russia among her faithful friends in Berlin, of the 
espionage carried on for her in both the hostile capitals, of the influence 
exercised in her behalf throughout the Confederation, you will not fail 
to speak ; nor will you omit to glance at the services Prussia may- 
render in the course of the negotiations. On the sole ground, there- 
fore, that His Majesty has been the faithful Ally of Russia, you will 
petition the COUNT NESSELRODE to do his utmost to procure the 
admission of Prussia to the Conference. Receive, &c. 

"Berlin, February 5tA. " MANTEUFFEL." 



CONVOCATION. 

SAM of Oxford, of late, to bamboozle the nation, 

Thus set forth the object of Church Convocntion. 

" We don't want to legislate why all this fuss ? 

All we want upon earth is to meet and discuss 

About short'ning the service, and criminal Clerks, 

How they may be kept from their shindies and larks. 

Upon matters like these, 'tis not reason or rhyme 

That the Lords and the Commons should take up their time. 

Just let Convocation discuss pro and con, 

The State will or nill it, and matters jo? on." 

So snake oily SAM : but HARRY of Exeter, 
As he heard the words drop, look'd sourer and vexeder. 

Pack o' nonsense," he cried, " Don't humbug 'em, SMI ! 
What you can't do by logic, don't carry by flam. 
JNot legislate ! bless me ! I think legislation 
Ihe life and the soul of all true Convocation. 
New Canons to make 1 both wish and design, 
And with Article Fortieth would quash Thirty Nine. 
1 hough I doubt if we ever shall get it from PAM ! " 
1 "Isn't that what I meant ? " rejoin'd jlippery SAM. 

Would the QUEEN give consent none could legislate better; 
But to do it, my Chum, who the deuce is to get her 
And hark ye, friend HARRY ! what are you about, 
With the bag in your hand, thus to let the cat out 
blow and sure, my old Buck ! pedetentim 's the plan 
Cerium sat round the corner and I am your man. 
Let me get my snout in, what I 'd have ye remark is 
inat old Scratch himself shouldn't keep out my carcase " 



Capital Tenderness. 

MB. MUKTZ and two or three other pocket philanthropists take great 
umbrage at the proposed partnership bills, by which men of small means 
may imprqvidently attempt to make their means a little greater. But 
this is all in tenderness to the humble capitalists, lest their ambition- 
should lead to their ruin. How kind and gracious it is of the Golden 
Calf to have so much anxiety for small frogs, lest vainly trying to swell 
to the calf s dimensions, the poor things should burst themselves ! 



Hampstead Heath. 

' AT the last meeting, held at the Marylebone Vestry, for the protec- 
tion of Hampstead Heath, a solicitor learned in the law did battle for 
the purity of SIR THOMAS WILSON'S motives. The learned champion 
iplared that The whole cry for years past about Hampstead Heath 
being encroached upon, was a complete bug-bear." Be it so: any way, 
Mr. Attorney, it is a bug that's not to be borne 



FEBRUARY 23, 1856.] 




THE BLACKING BRIGADE AND THE LIGHT BRIGADE. ^THToEDE^OF^ALOUE. 




A BOY of the Blacking I 
Brigade a boy as gay 
in his new uniform as 
a moulted flamingo, 
and withal a boy of a 
remarkably bright and 
honest cast of coun- 
tenance was yester- i 
day observed b'y our ' 
vigilant publisher to 
drop a letter into Mr. 
Punch's letter-box, and 
then colouring a little 
with emotion, haply at i 
the boldness of the act, : 
to walk rapidly away. 
Ihe faithful publisher 
immediately brought his 
letter from the box, and 
laid it upon Mr. Punch' 
table. An envelope re 
quested that Mr. Punch 
would print in hi 
columns an epistle, to 
be found below, to the 
EARL OF SHAFTESBTJRY 
Well, the letter does so 
much credit to the 
scholarship, and better 
than that, to the honour 
and rectitude of that 
bright, open-faced lad 



SOME talk of ALEXANDER, 

And some of HERCULES, 
And many a great commander 

As glorious as these ; 
But if you want a hero 

Of genuine pluck and pith, 

iS there \ n ne c mes near 
PRIVATE SMITH. 



(he has evidently been a first-hand and a fW l,=^ * K- -D , . r 'g Q > open-ac 
instantly resolved to print the epfstle^ ^d here it ?s SS 8chool) - that *' 

MY Lorn, THE EABL OP SHAMMBUBT. 

-thing more than a poor 
Up n *"> ^on,. of which 
as all boys 



go 

you on a Thursday evening placed medals for 
only knowd what was for their own 



Its easy 10 ugur, witn glory 

At nand to gild your name, 
And stick it up in story, 

Among the sons of fame. 
But SMITH, full British private, 
Is expected to be brave, 
With the cold "cold shade "above his hea 
At nis teet a nameless grave. 

For Generals there's the peerage 
With grant of public tin- ' 

Ihere s regiments for Colonels, 
lor Captains steps to win. 

,r/? r pjti y AT ? SMITH the utmost 
(If he avoided beer) 

Was a Chelsea berth, and a pension worth 
borne hlteen pounds a-year. 

Till now the stars and garters, 

Were for birth's or fortune's son, 
Ana as oft m snug home-quarters 

As in fields of fight were won. ' 
Jiut at length a star arises, 

Which as glorious will shine 
On SMITH'S red serge vest as upon the breast 

Of SMITH'S scarlet superfine? 

Though carpet-knights may grumble 

Routine turn up its nose, 
Inougn CARDIGANS and LUCANS, 
v An if Al EIS 1 m ay oppose, 
let shall the star of valour 

Defy their scoffs ;md jeers 
As its bronze rays shine on plain SMITH of 

the Line, 
And plain SMITH of the Grenadiers. 

Too long mere food for powder 
We ve deem'd our rank and file, 

.Now higher hopes and prouder, 
Upon the soldier smile. 

And if no Marshal's baton 

. PMVATE SMITH in his knapsack bears, 

w-tTi. 7^ W& 1' tne cna nce of the star 
With his General he shares. 

THE SHADOW OF A SHADE. 

rj GF ; N <T L A ,N has recently died who held the 
office of " Clerk to the Insolvents in Chancery." 
As nobody is permitted to enter Chancery unless 
be lias got abundance of property with which 
1 * V rt may deal > we fmcl il difficult to under 
stand the necessity for a Clerk to the Insolvents 
who are a body which Chancery never deigns to 
look upon. We can comprehend the possibility 
'f a suitor becoming Insolvent, after having 
passed a few years or months in Chancery; but 
the fact of his Insolvency would at once pu him 
out ot Court,-for as far as the pocket is con- 
cerned, Chancery, like Nature, abhors a vacuum. 
We perceive that the office is not to be filled ui 
for in these days it will not do, to pay an officer 
even a Chancery officer "" A 
nothing. 

Mr. Layard's Notice. 

-TO i ^'^^^^&^^T^'^^^^^ S&ftSZS 

" Gentlemen, give your orders!' 



il, and always ready for ou wo and fo 7,5? P ,T P 
blt d ' rf honestl Sot out of mud with a blaok nf h e 
ri ' ' " b 



- ,. _, uuuconv gui OUt I 

them medals, and told us to prize 
of nwnt, and always to keep 'em 



being spbei 
- -/> which isn'( 
" "* """^'"K-urusu; ana for this, (you <*ive us 

^sS^S^ to suasts 



wouWlo; y erhhnTe?f r unto. Ue " Wluct bo * of the Blackh.g Brigade' asb^sWn^u 
soldieLffirs y oS a th^u^ 

P "&r S esi P S n ffi^^^ 

3e iy, au .''' ! or myself and the other Wo t n /.^ ! j 8111 s a ^ 'h 6 Brigade), Your humble 

"JOHN BKUSH." 
THE MASTER OF THE HORSE. 



80 



Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRPAKT 23. 1856. 




A NOTION OF PLEASURE. 

Boy. "On, COME HERE, TOMMY '-HEBE' s SUCH A LOT o' DRAINS BIN sno 

DOWN HERE ! LET 'S TUIIN 'EAD OVER 'BELS IN EM ! 



HEREDITARY HORSEHAIR, 

THE almost unanimous opposition of the Law Lords to the creation 
of a life Peerage arises, of course, out of the profound wisdom and 
know edg P e of their learned Lordships. Versed, not only m the laws 
oT the realm, but in those of nature, they know as a fact, that the 
natural law of hereditary descent is as invariable as the common or 
sta'utab e\w on the same point: nay that the former is more general 
than the latter, since virtues, abilities, and acquirements, are always 
entailed, but freehold property is so only m some cases. 

It has been absurdly argued, that life-peerages, like, that of WENS- 
LEYDALE are necessary in order to facilitate a sufficient infusion of 
leVal talent into the Upper House. But if legal talent is hereditary, 
there will always be legal talent in the bouse as long as there are sons 
of lawJord'-ofeven nephews, or any other heirs of ^tf* ""!f 
there They, of necessity, will be law-lords too-unless the C.msti- 
tuUonal doctrine of hereditary descent, as held by the great majority of 



BRIEFLESS ON PEERAGES FOR LIFE. 

WE understand that MR. BRIEFLESS has written a very 

laborate opinion on the great Constitutional question ot 

Peerages for Life ; and he has arrived at the conclusion, 

hat such Peerages are perfectly legal, and m accordance 

with precedent. It is rather strange that in the great 

debate of Thursday night the case of BARON NATHAN 

was not alluded to, for it is notorious that the Barony o 

NATHAN will become extinct on the demise of the present 

llustrious holder of the title. It is not generally known 

hat though BARON NATHAN has never been called up to 

he House of Lords, he has been summoned to sit m 

Parliament (Street) for his portrait at the Daguerreotype 

artist's at the corner. 

It is rather a remarkable circumstance, that MR. Diraup 
has prepared a very learned and elaborate opinion on the 
great Peerage Question, and has come to a conclusion 
fxact.lv opposed to that arrived at by MB. BKII,FLESS. 
MR DCSUP maintains though any maintenance from such 
a quarter is rather doubtful that a Peerage ought to be 
hereditary; and he urges very powerfully, that a want o 
fortune is not a sufficient reason for refusing to ennoble a 
family inasmuch as a nobleman being privileged from arrest 
for debt, is in the best possible position to live without .an, 
income MR. DONUP takes the high Constitutional view 
of the matter, and asks indignantly: ' tf we are to trifti 
with our Peerage, what is to become of our Throne and our 
Altar?" 

The Head of Austria. 
" How extremely flat-headed the EMPEROR seems to be ! " 
exclaimed an Englishman to an Austrian at Vienna during 
a religious ceremony, in which young FRANCIS JOSEPH, 
bareheaded, was carrying a wax-taper as long, as tiimselt. 
" Hush ! " nervously answered the Austrian, in a whisper, 
" The EMPEROR'S flatness is easily accounted for isa t 
under the thumb of the POPE ? " 



. Fitness for the peerage is some- 
thing peculiar If any man inherits fitness for the peerage, what can 
he,nh P erit but that peculiar fitness for whichjhis P^ecessor -TO 
raised to it ? Of course, then, the successor of the venerable LORD 
LYNDHURST will inherit all that noble and learned lords judicial 
faculty, legal lore, clearness of head, and command of language. 



Blowing Hot and Cold. 

TALKING of Republicans, it is very stransre, England now- 
has her Chili, and France her Cayenne ! England has just 
entered into a treaty of commerce with the one but 1! ranee 
holds not the smallest commerce with the other. 



THE LORD MAYOR'S TRUMPETER. 

IT will be seen that the City authorities have resolved not to fill up 
at m-esent the vacant office of LORD MAYOR'S Trumpeter. It was sug- 
gestedtSat a Committee should sit on the Trumpeter, or his Trumpet 
to inqu re nto the nature, extent, and importance or unimportance of 
the duties attached to the office. One of the Aldermen undertook to 
describe the amount of work required of the Trum Deter which, it is 
S is limited to three Marts-one to blow the Old LORD MAYOR out 
another to blow the New LORD MAYOR in, and a third at some Banqnet, 
by way of adding to the general blow-out of the assembled Compaq. 
We think the Corporation have acted wisely m declmmg to appoint 
any individual to the now vacant Trumpet; for, as many of the old 
City pr v leges are about to be blown away, the authorities require no 
blasVfrom a servant of their own, to be instrumental to the raumg : of 
that wind to which many Corporation abuses are about to be scat 
The present LORD MAYOR is, moreover a sensible man, whose conduct 
will speak for itself and for himself, without the a,d ofj-JjJW**,: 
We have it on the authority of an old saying, that s an ill wind 
that blows nobody good;" and such no doubt was t 
wind expended by the LORD MAYOR'S Trumpeter; who, with a. 
blowing, could have blown no good to anyone. 



An Airey Nobody. 

obstacle to the preservation of the troops in the Crimea 



ia T eony 

was SIR RICHARD AIREY to oppose every recommendation proceedin 
ftL aregimentaUfficer, that the gallant Quartermaster-General use 
to go by the name of AIREY, AIREY, Quite Contrary. 



A New Order of Friars. 

THE unpleasant practice of kissing the POPE'S toe, of which we have 
lately witnessed such shameful examples suggests the notion of a new 
ecclesiastical order, which the Roman Pontiff may possibly think it 
expedient to establish. If the papal foot is holy, according to the 
theory of "Development" its very excrescences must also be ho 
What therefore does the holy Father say to the institution of an Orde 
of Bunionists ? 



ONE BLESSING or PEACE. CLANEICAKDE 
St. Petersburg as soon as he likes. 



Loadoa. Sioi>iT, Frtruarj a, 1S56. 



> go to THE FIGHT OF CoTTON.-Peace has its battles as well as War : i4 
1 engenders competition, and that gives rise to many a Mill. 

;< cl r^&^^^ 



MARCH 1, 1856.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



81 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

HE Peers met in the morning 
(Monday, February 18), and 
were apprised, by a letter 
from BAKON WENSLEYDALE, 
that he should certainly not 
condescend to hire a barrister 




conveyed to both Houses this evening, connect itself with a less serious 
matter than the question, why our first Crimean army was martyred, 
we could afford to be amused at the new investigation. As it is, we 
will simply record that the officers, whose ignorance and blundering 
have been exposed by the Report of the Crimean Commissioners, have 
had sufficient influence in high quarters to procure the appointment of 
a board, of their own class, which is to re-investigate the statements in 
that report. The public may be tolerably certain as to what the result 
will be ; but, to ensure the impossibility of this board of general officers 
going right, even by accident, no man is to be a member who can know 



to persuade the Lords to 

sanction the act of their i anything of the real case " the having served in the Crimea is to 
QUEEN. They then resolved exclude." And the Board is to sit with closed doors. And by this 
themselves into a Committee j magic BOTTOM expects to get his Ass's head taken off, or " translated " 
of Privileges, in order to sit into a likeness of ACHILLAS. Poor BOTTOM! 

LORD DEBBY then professed great desire to obtain from Government 
an explanation of the respective positions and powers of the COM- 



m judgment on the Sove- 
reign for the exercise of her 



prerogative, but after about 
an hour's squabble as to the 
best way to begin, they ad- 
journed until Friday. They 
met again, as a House, in the 
evening, and remarks were 
made upon the conduct of the 
Government in shirking the 



MANDKR-iN-CmEF, and of the Minister of War. To the Earl everything 
seemed in a muddle. LORD PANMURE denied the muddle, and gave an 
explanation slightly more perplexing than LOUD DERBY'S previous 
impressions. He declared, however, that the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, 
and the Army, were responsible to the House of Commons, which paid 
them. This hint may be useful at no distant date. Then the poor, 
dear, old, gallant, helpless, pliant, courtly, mischievous COMMANDER- 
IN-CHIEF to whom all glory and honour for everything he did in 



production of the Kars papers. The evident impropriety of this course I Spain, France, and India, ana all censure and castigation for almost 
may be judged from the fact that even HABDWICKE and MALMESBURY , everything he does, and does not do, at the Horse Guards and in the 



comprehended that it was wrong, and contrived to say so with no 
particular clumsiness. 

The Commons enjoyed an Irish debate on the Bill for abolishing the 
Encumbered Estates Court and transferring its duties to a reformed 
Court of Chancery. The discussion was chiefly left to the lawyers, 
each of whom completely refuted everybody else, and then the Bill was 
read a second time. MR. WHITESIDE, with his usual amiability, 
imputed jobbery to the authors of the measure, but the Irish Solicitor- 
General, MR. J. FITZGERALD, rose in arrums and rebuked him in 
sarcastic terrums. 

Tuesday. The Lords passed the Bill creating a Minister of Education, 
with a recognition of SIR JOHN PAKINGTON'S exertions in connection 
with the subject ; a compliment which happens to be well deserved. 
The Minister of War mentioned that Fort St. Nicholas had been blown 
up by the French, and that he had no doubt SIR EDMUND LYONS 
would, if possible, blow up the ships at the bottom of Sebastopol 
harbour. Meantime he himself blew up LORD HARDWICKE for shaping 
his inquiry on the subject in an incorrect manner. 

In the Commons, SIR CHARLES NAPIER fixed the 4th of March for 
the Bombardment of Fort GBAHAM. MR. MACKINNON procured the 
appointment of a Committee to consider whether some tribunal, 
analogous to the French Conseils des Prud'hommes, could not be created, 
in order to interpose between workmen and employers in case of dis- 
putes. SIR GEORGE GREY, true to his Whig instinct, treated the 
proposal as oce which would produce no good ; but he would not take the 
trouble of opposing it. MR. LOCKE KING theu moved that there 
should be a New Edition of the Statutes. By leaving out all the 
trash, and obsolete and repealed matter, he showed that the existing 
Statute Law might be reduced, from a bulk of forty quarto volumes, 
into a nice edition for the waistcoat pocket, "say, ten moderate- 
sized volumes." The object is most desirable ; but MR. KING'S plan, 
which was to desire the Clerk of the Parliaments (who has already a 
great deal to do, and half of whom, moreover, belongs to the Lords, 
and would not be ordered about by the Commons) to codify the British 
Laws, by way of filling up his evenings, was considered a little cool, 
and the motion was rejected by 164 to 63. After some Irish squabbling, 
interesting chiefly to the parties concerned, the Adulterations of Food 
Committee was appointed. With two or three exceptions, its members 
do not seem a very sapient lot ; but Mr. Punch will assist them with 
his advice and correction. 

Wednesday. The Commons sat for an hour ; and a Bill for Regis- 



Palace tried to justify what had been done for BOTTOM a melancholv 
exhibition. Long may LORD HARDINGE enjoy his well-earned 500J> 
a-year, and his fifty crosses, and clasps, and orders, but Mr. Punch 
hereby offers him a second 5000 a-year, (which will be cheerfully 
contributed by a fraction of our readers, at sixpence a-head) if he will 
only solicit one order more an order to walk into private life. Never 
had a chivalrous man, like HASDINGE, such a chance of serving 
perhaps saving his country. 

In the Commons, the question of the Sunday opening of the British 
Museum and the National Gallery came on. Shoals of petitions, got 
up by the clergy of all denominations, and signed by their followers, 
had been pouring m against the proposition, and the mere list of those 
which were flung in as a last volley occupies nearly three closely-printed 
columns of the Times Newspaper. Against this demonstration let LORD 
STANLEY'S well-put test be noted. Here was a question which a 
certain portion of the nation regarded as involving immortal interests. 
About 150,000 signatures are estimated to have been obtained, by theo- 
logical influences, to the hostile petitions. When the church-rate agita- 
tion was astir, 000,000 signatures came in upon petitions against a mere 
tax. The debate to-night was brief, and chiefly left to men of small 
calibre. The principal exceptions were LORD STANLEY, who manfully 
stood out as an Anti-Sabbatarian ; MR. NAPIER, who saw " poison " in 
seeing pictures on Sunday ; MR. HEYWOOD, who denied the truth of 
the Jewish history of the Creation, but described the Sabbath as a 
divine ordinance, to be kept as a day of rejoicing ; and LORD 
PALMERSTON, who thought there would be no harm in opening these 
exhibitions, but that there would be much if the House acted in defiance 
of the opinions which had been expressed against doing so. This 
eminently House-of-Commons logic and morality was too suited to the 
audience not to be successful. On division, 376 add four who were 
" shut out," and say 380 gentlemen in comfortable circumstances, most 
of them with carriages and country houses, decided, against 48 
opponents, that the only holiday Mammon has left to the poor man 
shall not be better spent than in a squalid house, a dirty drinking-yard, 
or a debauching public-house. 

Friday. The Lords finally resumed the WENSLEYDALE question- 
After rejecting, by 142 to 111, LORD GLENELG'S sensible proposal that 
the opinion of the Judges should be taken, they weut once more into 
Committee, and after a debate, evincing research and eloquence 
"worthy of a better cause," the Coronet pronounced the Crown to 
have acted unconstitutionally. The numbers were 92 to 57 no proxies 



tenng our Doctors was referred to a Committee. LORD ROBERT being used in Committees. Now to see whether the Ministers have 
liROSVENOR burst out with a puff for the Homoeopathists, in whom he ' moral courage enough to stand by their Sovereign, or whether they 
is a believer ; as might be inferred from his advocacy, last year, of a 
quack^specific for the treatment of Sunday. MR. HENLEY, who often 



grumbles out a fair hit, said that he had no sympathy with homoeo- 
pathy, unless upon the principle that the less you took of a bad thing 
the better. MR. WILSON, the Cabinet's Great Calculating Boy, was 
pulled up for a special blunder. In the matter of an Act, under which 
3,000,000 had already been advanced, he bad told the House that 
the rate of interest was five per cent, only, whereas it was six-and-a- 
half. Oar youthful readers are invited to do the sum both ways, to 
show to what amount ' 

out the calculations very neatly, and to enclose them to the Economist 
Dtnce, with their compliments to the Editor. The documents will be 
sure to reach MR. WILSON, and may improve his mind, 

Thursday. There is a kind of effrontery at which decent people 
scarcely know whether to laugh or to be indignant. Did the intimation, 

VOL. xxx. 



will leave her in a false position. 
In the Commons, MR. VERNON SMITH 



intimated that " large 



imount MR. WILSON'S blunder would extend, taking An ( 
le time during which the money has been lent, to copy ! ano f,' 



powers " had been given to LORD DALHOUSIE to do what he liked with 
the territories of the KING OF OUDE. The CHANCELLOR OF THE 
EXCHEQUER went in for Ways and Means. He mentioned that he 
must have money, that twenty-two months of war had cost forty-three 
millions and a half, which would not have been spent in peace-time, 
and he obtained the sanction of the House to his loan'of 5,000,000, 
and his turning a great heap of Exchequer bills into National Debt. 
An Ordnance vote of a million and a quarter was also taken. And 
another circumstance of the evening was worth note. In the year 
1262 the Londoners arose, and killed seven hundred Jews, because one 
Jew had taken two shillings a-week interest on a pound. In 1274 
Parliament enacted that every Jew lending monev should wear a plate 
on his breast, signifying that he was an usurer. On Friday morning, a 
knot of Jews offered, for the above loan, terms so " advantageous " 



82 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 1, 1856. 



to themselves that LORD PALMERSTON and SraCoRNKwALi, refused the 
bargain, and made them bid something reasonable. On Friday nicht a 
Bill for repealing the Abjuration Oath, a measure intended to introduce 
the Jews into Parliament by a side door, was brought in by MB. 
GIBSON, and read a first time without opposition. 



A NEW WAY TO GET MARRIED. 

A YOI-M, French lady has hit upon a novel expedient for getting 
Mrseli ell : and it the plan succeeds, we shall pos-iblj have a number 
.-h maidens, who are beginning to hang a Hi tic on hand, adopting 
the same experiment. The plan in .nation consists of a lottery, com- 
prising three thousand shares (at, 40 francs each), and the holder of the 
:tre is to become the husband of the lady, who will hand 
over herself and the whole proceeds of the, speculation by way of 
dowry. I his is a capital mode of securing a husband and a fortune 
Me same time, but we cannot help thinking that with so many 
cuunces against one, forty francs, even for the prettiest face in the 
world, is ra'her too high a figure. If I he lady had divided herself into 
a larger numbet of shares, and issued tickets at one franc, she might 
have doubled her fortune, and added considerably to the number of 
speculators, for no gentleman would have objected to put down his ten- 
pence on tbe chance of securing such a really valuable prize. If it is 
not too lite, we recommend the lady to amend her prospec'us, and while 
reducing tbe price of tickets to a franc, she might make the number 
ulmiited, if she will only add a promise lhat the fortunate winner shall 
be allowed the option of refusing the whole of his winnings and accept- 
ing a compromise in lieu of the lady's haud. 




A SEVERE SACRIFICE. 

"Do you know," asked a political hanger-on in one of the luncheon 
rooms at the Admiralty, "such is the general distress that many poor, 
and even rich persons are obliged to dispense with sugar in their 
tea." 

" YVs ; but I have heard of a far greater sacrifice than that " ex- 
claimed BERNAL OsBOKSk, with his usual impulsiveness; "for! have 
been told MKHSTOX, anxious to be the first to set a noble 

to the nation in cutting down all superfluous luxuries 
is depriving himself for the future of the services of 
FBSJDKBK K I'KEL! 



A NEW FORM OF HOMAGE. 

A'STTJPID Income-Tax gatherer went to see Miss P. HORTON at 
the Gallery of Illustration. He was greatly taken with the various 
characiers, but never for a moment supposed that they were all 
represented by the same person. On the contrary, lie applied for a 
list of the Company the next morning. His illusion being humoured, 
he has actually sent in a printed paper to every one of the mimic per- 
son*, who>e names had been furnished to him. 

Miss P. HORION has good-naturedly tilled in the blanks, and 
returned the papers somewhat in the following form : 

1SCOME TAX. 



Name. 


Residence. 


Trade or 

Profession. 


Amount of Income and 
how Derivable 1 


MRS. M YIITLU . . 


//'"'/// Lodge, 


The Wife of 


1,200 5,9. 2i<7. a-year, with ftc- 




JloUoway. 


a retirtd 


)" ctations from a m>iidcn Aunt, 






Cheesemonger 


besides an Angola Cat, and th< 








use of a Pew at Ohadband 








Chapel, Clapham. 


Mi39 SNOWUERRY . 


OldAIaidallilL 


Spinster. 


Live* and DinfS off her friends. 








and picks them to pieces after- 
wards. 


MASTER PEBKY 

P&IMKOBK . . , 


Queen Anne's 
Charity School 


Chanty Boy. 


Nothing, but a peg-top. (For fur- 
ther particulars, inquire of the 








Beadtf.) 


DAME C HOCUS ) 
DAMS DAFFODIL j 


Dublin. 


In the Toy and 
tiweetstujjfline. 


A dead loss of 5 a-year on Bu> 

n}"'t''s rib:> ltte. If it were 








not for the det'mating balls 








and cracters, they wouldn't be 








able to keep body and soul to- 








gether. 


MB. HONEY SUCKLE 


Eaton Square. 


Diner-Out. 


No definite Income. Sleeps out. 








and borrows dean shirts anc 








collars of his friends. 


Miss FUCHSIA WIL- 


Wherever she 


Wallflower at 


Lives (when not on a visit) with 






Evening Parties. 


her dear Mamma, v.-fift has pro- 
mised her ! when 








she dies. Doesn't know what an 








Income is. 


SIB JOHN QUIL . . 


Albany. 


Baronet. 


2,400 a-year, funded property. 








J'crfrctly Intlfpi-nd+nt of all 








Lawyers, and i<l-Diacounters. 


MttS. QUILQUACKER 


"aylor's Rents. 


Landlady. 


greatly upnn whether her 








house is full or not, and whether 








h< r lii'jt-i:\ illn, 'it hnme, leave 








thi'ir tta-caddies op?n, have a 








cellar of their own coaU, and a 








f other causes. 


FRANCISCO VERGOJTI 


Genoa. 


Organ Grinder. 


rhe Voluntary Contributions of 








the Public. 


KEZIA WILCOI . . 


Back Kitchen. 


Maid^ofAU 


5 a-year (uncertain), and finds 






Work. 


her own pins, tea, and sugar. 


MDLLR CASSANDRK 
CHANTEEJE . . 


I\tria. 


^tftnier' 1 Chan- 
eusedu Jion<t> . 


00.000 francs de rente (Spanish 
Lnny Deferred Annuities) be- 








sid-'s an annual engagement at 








tb" Grand (tpe"ra of 50,000 








francs a-month, in addition to 








hf.T "ff.ll" (Illll H >*nn,j,' ,)f ttOO 








Months at the best period of the 








year. 



A Clever Trick. 

AN Irishman, coming to London in search of a situation, and not 

being able to meet with one, hits upon the happy < xpcdient of changing 

his name to ELLIOTT. He receives a government appointment the 

. heven of his brothers ;it Tippc rary have re-christened 

lyes in a similar manner, and are now on their road, walking up 

to Du '.lin, mi th'ir way to London, as fast as haybauds round their 

legs will allow them. 



It would be rather awkward, however, if the joke was carried to its 
utmost limit and the tax-gatherer, in the excess of his stupidity and 
zeal, made Miss P, HOHTON pay Income-Tax on all the above sums. 
VV e are afraid that, her receipts, strong as they apparently are, would 
be too weak to cope with so colossal a demand/ 

Notes and Queries. 

WHAT is the meaning of " Gentleman-Usher to the QDEEN ? " We 

should have thought that the word "Gentleman" might be omitted M 

being fairly comprised within the lattef part of the title. If the term 

t eman is at a I necessary, it can only be in opposition to something 

at is not a Gentleman; but we cannot conceive the possibility that 
Tlfe J,^ d ^ be T , hlDg but a ." Gentleman" Usher to the Q 
Ihe usual idea of the reverse is so shocking, that we can scaroalr 



A WOOTL MAGISTRATE. One who is slow in committinc others 
and still slower in committing himself. ' 



MARCH 1, 1856.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



83 




THE SPORTS OF THE CIRCUS. 

E dare say that HORVCE 
was nuces super se nuts 
upon himself when he 
turned out his celebrated 
lines about the human 
caput and the equine cer- 
vix, and the hypothetical 
pictor who should join 
them. And the nuts were 
justifiable, for the lines are 
excellent. If there had 
been an Ast.ley's Amphi- 
' theatre in Rome, in FLAC- 
zus's day, they would have 
been used as a motto lor 
the proscenium, a vi^w of 
which, our friend JOHN 
MURRAY would have had 
engraven for that ricli and 
rare Horatiau tome of his 
and " poet-priest MIL- 
MAN'S." As it is, why 
does not MR. WILLIAM 
COOKE emblazon them on 
his curtain? They em- 
body the very spirit of 
the drama, as set forth 
and exceeding well set forth over against yon sawdust ring. 

All the theatres are, just now, in a miraculous state of prosperity . 
The Managers have long since made their own fortunes, and are 
endowing churches, and hospitals, and almshouses. One of them has 
conscientiously put on his bills, as advice to the public, Stay at Home. 
Nobody can get into a theatre unless he takes an early breakfast, and 
joins the yet more eager crowd that has come without breakfast to be in 
time for the opening of the doors at night. A box given away an order 
admitted such a thing is inconceivable. The word "Order" was in- 
cautiously mentioned in the presence of a London Manager last week, 
and he fainted away, and was only revived by the Treasurer holding the 
banker's book to his nose. Rich playgoers, who can perfectly well 
afford to pay for admissions, and are therefore the most pertinacious m 
asking for gratis boxes and seats, are in detpair. One wealthy stock- 
broker at Clapham, who had in vain w.ittoa fourteen or fifteen be- 
seeching letters to his theatrical friends, imploring them to get him a 
box for nothing, that his nine children, their mother, some country 
visitors, and the governess, might see a Pantomime, was actually com- 
pelled to pay a guinea and a half, and will never forget it. The reason 
for this rush upon the theatres is mysterious. It is not the attractions 
inside, because, although some of the entertainments now before the 
public are admirable, others are execrable, and jet all the houses are 
crowded. It is not the pieces neither is it the Peace ; the rush began 
before ALEXANDER cried craven. It is not the weather, for that varies 
seven times a-day, while the attendance every night is unvarying. 
Have the Managers been doing what Abel Drugger, in the Alchemist, 
proposes in order to obtain customers have they buried loadstones 
under their thresholds to attract the steel spurs of the gallants ? Alas, 
this solution is futile our swells wear no spurs, though, their late 
dinners almost send them to the theatre with bits in their mouths. 
We repeat the problem has yet to be solved. 

Mr. Punch had given up all idea of entering a theatre again until 
Easter, when luckily he remembered two very powerful Iriends toi 
whom he had done kindnesses in days gone by, and from whom, as 
they had each four legs instead of two, he had no reason to expect the 
ingratitude usual in such cases. These were his friends, the Stupendous 
Elephants, who had accepted a short engagement with MR. COOKE. 
Hastening over to Astley's, aud making his way to the dressing-room 
of one of the performers in question, the Elephant shook his head, 
rather comically, declared that every corner of the house was full, but 
that sooner than Mr. Punch should be disappointed, he would lift 
somebody out of the front row in 'he pit, and substitute that gentle- 
man. This Mr Punch thought would hardly be fair, and finally he 
obtained a place in the orchestra, where, between the pieces, he com- 
posed the elegant and classical paragraph with which he commenced 
these obseivations. 

His first duty is to return the civility of his friends the Elephants, and 
to remark that these artists acquitted thennelves with even more than 
their usual intellectual ability. Their acting is decidedly mellower 
than it was, and subtler ; and though they belong less to the Idealist 
than to the Realist, school, there runs throughout their performance a 
poetic tone, in which Ma. DISRAELI would detect their Asiatic blood. 
Their grand feat the ascent from the ring to the stage, upon a single | 
plank, nine inches wide is in itself an epoch in the elephantine drama, 
uniting the Classic and the Romantic, the former typified in the rigid 
and uubcnding board, the latter in the wild majesty with which the I 



Parient of Combs traverses the Al-Sirat bridge the Great Trunk line, 
as it might absurdly be called. But while doing justice to this sin- 
gular achievement, which everybody should try to sec, Mr. Punch must 
not forget those who tread the other boards of the establishment. 
Specially he would say that the history of Dick Turpin, (a strictly 
defensible crime-drama, for therein Highwaymanliness loses half its vice 
in losing all its probability) is given in the