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Full text of "Punch"

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JAMES NICHOLSON 




Presented to the 
LIBRARY of the 

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO 



THE ESTATE OF THE LATE 
JAMES NICHOLSON 








LONDON : 

PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, 



A.1TD SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 

1875. 




ftp 

101 



LONDON : 
BRADBURY, AONEW, & OO,, PRINTERS, WIIITEFRIARS. 



"JULY 3, 1875.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




THE Longest Day was creeping slowly to its close. It was hot, very hot. Cool garments and cooling drinks were impera- 
tively the order of the time. Motion was out of the question. Perspiration and meditation reigned supreme. 

Under the shade of his own vine and fig-tree, over the coolest of cups, in the airiest of zephyrs, sat MB. PUNCH, with 
his feet on the refrigerator from which he had been extracting the crystalline lumps which bobbed refreshingly, amidst the 
green leaves and blue blossoms of the fragrant borage, on the waves of the cool Moselle. There he reclined, in the summer 
stillness, thinking, for more coolness, of the Pole and our gallant Explorers, who, by this time, must have taken a long 
leave of Cape Farewell. 

Already they must be within the Arctic Circle. Before this, probably, they have replenished their bunkers, and shipped 
their dogs, at Disco. Dogs ! who knows ? Ere now, perhaps, they may be beset by the formidable " pack " en masse, 
gathering and growling and showing sharp, jagged teeth under the stems of the daring Islanders who have dared to invade 
that solitary realm. Even now they may be sighting the " Devil's Thumb," protruded ominously to warn all comers off his 
ice-preserves in Melville Bay. 

PONOH quaffed his cup to their success, and wished himself, for the moment, in their cooler quarters. 

" Yes," he murmured, " it is a noble achievement to break into that charmed circle where sits enthroned for the 
winning of some THOMAS CARLYLE of the Future his oft-invoked favourite, The Everlasting Silence. 

" ' The Everlasting Silence ' ! Can she be a Woman, by the way, as I have limned her ? And if she is, how tired she 
must be of herself ! How fain, mctoiuks, to fling herself into the arms of the gallant mariners who come to break her and 
substitute the silvern speech for her pale and frosted gold ! 

" But what a realm is hers with what mysteries she has been entrusted, no doubt, as a reward for holding her tongue 

" There, at her frost-fettered feet," POUCH said, as MAUBY said before him, " icebergs are framed and glaciers launched ; 
there the tides have their cradle and their grave, the whales their nursery ; there the winds complete their circuits, and the 
currents of the sea their round in the wonderful system of oceanic circulation ; there the Aurora is lighted up, and the 
trembling needle brought to rest. There are the Pole of the Winds, and the Poles of Cold ; the Pole of the Earth and tha 
Magnet. It is a great treasure-house of mysteries, and the desire to explore its secret chambers has grown into a longing. 
It is no feverish excitement, no vain ambition, that leads men there. It is a higher feeling, a holier motive, a desire to look 
into the works of Creation, to comprehend the economy of our planet, and to grow wiser and better by tho knowledge ! " 



IV 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JULY 3, 1875. 



Before PUNCH got to this point ho had passed from the realms of speech into the kingdom which King Somnus and 
Queen Silence share between thorn and lo ! ho was alone alone 

" The first 
That ever burst 
Into that silent sea ! " 

It was a case of ice, as LORD DUFFEBIN'S Valet observed to his Lordship aboard his yacht off Jan Mayen, -" ice all 
around." 

PUNCH had outstripped the Alert and the Discovery. Hugging his new Volume to his breast, as the best of all life- 
preservers a source of perennial light and heat, more sustaining than pemmican, more defiant of chill than three-piled duffle, 
he had ur^ed his way, gallantly, across pack and hummock, over berg and floe. And now he was THERE. But WHEBE ? 
Latitude and Longitude had ceased to be. If Time and Space were at all, it was as much as they were. 

The Midnight Sun burned red on the horizon ; the distant howl of the Great Bear, which had long been distinctly 
audible, was now deafening. 

PUNCH stood, at last, where never living man had stood before FACE TO FACE WITH THE POLE ! 

He did not feel giddy, not even dizzy only calm. He was not cold only cool. The fact is, he was at home in that 
proud position, on the apex of the round World (if anything so nearly round can be said to have an apex) with the Globe at 
his feet ! 

He looked superbly around ! 

What is that white mass gathered at the base of the spindle on which our Earth revolves ? An iceberg ? No, a 
sweet though snow-clad, and, presumably, snow-cold creature, gracefully enwrapped in a mantle of frozen drift, under a veil 
fringed with crystalline icicles, half hiding, half revealing her coy loveliness ! 

Yes! it is the Polar Queen the Lady of the Everlasting Silence the Ice Maiden that hath waited to be won from 
creation till now. 

Gracefully advancing, PUNCH kneeled before her. There came a voice from behind the veil 

" My Deliverer ! At last ! how have I waited and longed for thee ! But, first, thy credentials." 

PUNCH laid at her feet 

VOLUME SIXTY-EIGHT. 

She seized it eagerly tore open its pages and a roar as of many pent-up water-floods let loose of a sudden shook 
the Seven Stars, and made the beams of her Auroral Crown shoot wildly to the zenith. It was the breaking up, and down, of 
The Everlasting Silence, under the laughter-compelling spell of PUNCH ! 

" Come to my heart ! " she murmured and suddenly PUNCH felt a rushing chill as of an avalanche, yet pervaded by a 
delicious perfume, oversweep his frame 

* * * * * * * * 

He had knocked over his tankard, and was wet through with the Moselle-Cup. 

But he knew that his Volume was in the hands of Her Polar Majesty, and was happy ! 




Dectfmbrt 1?. IATI.J 



AFFECTION'S OFFERING. 
FROM our Uncles and Aunts 

we indulge cxpcctat ions; 
They must, sooner or laU r, 

I'Mvo money behind 
Many happy now years to 

our rich old relation.-! : 
Though wo liope in their 

wills that they 'vo borne 

us in raind. 



THEIR, NATURAL PROTKC- 
TOKS. Whatever changes 
may l>o ui.-idu in the Munici- 
pal Government of London, 
it is well undors'ood that the 
( 'nmmisstonersof Hewers will 
continue to look after the 
intercuts of tho.se industrious 
persona who depend upon 
Mowing Machine for their 
rapport. 

ADVICE TO GIRLS. If you 
wish to appear to ad Tan - 
ticji:, make a speech at tho 
S<K.-ial ttciunco Congress on 
Ix'half of Women's Hights. 
KviTvlwKty admires theCheek 
of Beauty. 



NUKSKRY RHYMES FOR 
TUK TIMES. 

WIIKN Education 
II. is sn improved the Nation 
That every child is rather 
More wise than its f tther. 

BABY'S ALPiMiirr 
ABC 1 Jal >y learns at Three 

weeks ; 

D E Fat Six, when bespeaks ; 
G H 1 at a Month, when ho 

talk.) ; 

J K L at Two, when he walks ; 
M-NOat Four, when he runs; 
P Q It at Wix, wbeu he puns ; 
S T U at Eight, when ho 

teaches ; 
V W X at Ten, when he 

preaches ; 

Y / at Twelve, when the scope 

of his knowledge is 
As wide as tho whole wide 

ronn-1 of the (>lo-/ios. 




January xxxi Days, i February xxviii E ays 


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AQUAKITJS. 


PISCES. 



SOOTHSAYING FOR 
BjULOBfl 

An,! UY from fowls of rdr 
lia-.-k to Tuscan grumary< 

dates. 

Birds in Fcbnury p;tir : 
Now tin. ii, Skippers, chooe< 
your v 

INKAU.IHU: PREDICTION. 

St. Valentine's l>;r, 
falling on a Sunday, ht 
V.iNntino will Qonwquantlj 
i -vo days ; on--' l;tv li 
the recipients of \ . 
in tin; Country oil 
in<> iiiu^, and asiMtlii-r on tl;t 
following Moi,il;i.' fur th-t 
wlir, will get them in T"wn. 
K.xtra work f 
the rural district* '>n 
ami i'tx'.'it outcry among the 



A GKKAT WILL ' 
8{>cakiiiu' about th; AVill of a 
tfcutleimn recently dead, a 
Lawyer asked an Irihh O-ir 
dencr, "if lie knew the lat< 
testator?" I'.\r thought fui 
a few seconds, and then re 
plied, "Hure, Sorr, 
lie-t tater is the KM 
but the last I'plantcd t'othei 
day w.i8 the {utitt later.' 
Hft evidently underttood th< 
subject. 

NTJRSEUY RHYME FOB 

THK TIME. 
BYE, BABY BUNTIN<;, 
Daddy 's gone a-hunting 
On the Stock Exchange, tc 

catch 

8oru one who is not hie 
match ; 

If ho has luck, 
As well as pluck, 
A coach he '11 very likely win 
To rido his BABY BUNTING in, 



A SAFE PRECAUTION Xti 
boating party should be with 
out a Lawyer. In case o( 
accident, ho is the man fur 
ba(i)ling out the water. 




THE RAILWAY CLASSES. 



firs* Ptutengcr (affable Parsm, mho always travels Tldrd Cleat). "O YES, I'VE NOTICED LATILY A GREAT MAST RESPECTABLE PEOPLE is THESE 
Stcimtl Passengtr. " YE% SIR; so MANY PEOPLE YKR SEE, SIR, WHOSE POSITION is SOCIETY Ais 1 ! so WELL OEriNED A3 YOCRS AN' MINE AR 



CLASS WITHOUT LOSS o' RESPECTABILITY !" 



4RE, CAN'T AFFORD TO TRAVEL THIRI 



Dumber 17, i 



r U IN Ul O AJJM AIM A^IV T Ul\ LOfD. 




WARNING TO THE NEWLY-MARRIED. 

" WHOSE PLI-MP 'ICKLE PARTRIDGE is 'oo?" "OoR8 ! HUBBY'S! I " 

[Our Bachelor Friend in the Ulster coat, who overhears this fragment of dialogue as he awaka from his slumbers, is much interested to learn the kind of tall nev^marritd foil- indulge in tchen 

Vi"i tit. <:!. ! > >'nrd. 




A DISAPPOINTMENT. 

"IT'S A LOTEL7 DOLL, DEAR GRXKDPA AND GRANDMA BDTmn' I 'D BEES HOPING IT WOCLD BE 



BPRora 

Is March the Violet's dark 

blue 

Suggest* the cholico of Ox- 
ford's crew. 

And ho who casts aloft Lis 
eya 

b it -f rimb:: 
~;y: 

So tlut its astute doth 



Two Tmxci AT 
Tli.! Hu'Vr 
Kri-ii 1 in iv "' 

:]ing an 
..meo- 

NURSERY RHYME FOR 
TUB T1MK. 

BAH ! Kill .' BUc'-shoep, 
Whr -t! 

Brintfin ;i your 

kin I 
By being found out ! 

Dressed in a white fleece. 

All you had to do 
Wa to mini I your black fleece 

Did not show through. 

Folks that get found out, 
Prow thereby they're Wfc; 

B:ih ! bah ! Ulaoksheop, 
You deserve your fate. 

SICJN- OF THE SEASON*. 
Towards tho end of Apr.l 
the Swallow and Cucku > 
make tboir appearance, and, 
! ; t > the old song, 
einrllt uit'i'iislv\vith the song 
of the Utter bird the Deer 
*' vertetb." It may or nuv 
not bo that other bucks will 
'vert also. 

1 1. Of all mm Doctors 
And Lawyers ought to take 
the moat interest in tho Fairy 
Queen La Jttine <les Pet". 




&_ 


April zxx Days. 


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AKIES. 



TAURUS. 



SONGS IN SEASON. 

'ilio April's showers the fea- 
thered songsters gush. 

More wet foreboding tings 
the Missel- thrush ; 

No bird of passage, as his 
name suggests. 

Tho Rooks keep cawing from 
their lofty nests. 

The Chiff-chaff and the Chaf- 
finch have begun, 

In different styles of song, to 
poke their fun. 



NEW REGULATION. At .ill 
future Horse Shows, out of 
deference to the feelings of 
alarge and influential section 
of society, "duns" will be 
excluded. 



FOll 



NURSERY RHYME 

THE TIME. 
TAT-A-CAKE, pat-a-cake, 

Jla'um, if you can ; 
If you want paftry, 

There 's no other plan. 

You can't expect Cook 
To make pastry, when sho 

Is working to pass 
For aii M.A. degree. 



THE FESTIVAL OF ALL 
FOOLS. 1 1 is proposed to 
celebrate the First of April 
by a United Demonstration 
on the part of the various 
Societies for minding other 
people's business, and pro- 
moting fudge. The United 
Kingdom Alliance, the Good 
Templars, the Anti-Tubacco 
Society, the British National 
Association of Spiritualists, 
and a great many frequenters 
of the Social Science Con- 
gress are invited to assemble 
iu their thousands in honour 
of the day, and vociferate at 
the Crystal Talace. 



THE GOURMAND'S MONTHLY MEN U. 

JANUARY. 
Now are in season all the game 

Th it haunted Noah's Ark : 
The fragrant truffle for the same. 

And sweet, if small the lark ! 

FEBRUAUY 

No matter upon what one dines 

In such a mouth as this is, 
Whnso bill of fare (tit V.ilentine'a) 

la bread and cheese and kisses. 

MARCH. 
Thl< U the month when hares grow m .! 

Far no apparent reason : 
Bnt yet the gourmand may be glad, 

There's sparrow-gi asa in season. 

APRIL. 
Iymb, mint, green poos, fine tastes to wi.i, 

This month's mtm purvey. 
Its first should briiu tlie white-bait iu, 

As its lost brings iu May. 

MAY. 

Now come the trout, the quails, the 
flowers. 

And all the world's bucolic : 
O may there come no lingering shower* 

To spoil our Derby frolic ! 

JOSE. 

O joyous June ! thou month so nice, 
We'll sea the emerald grass cut, 

A'"l tempt red lips with strawberry ice, 
Upon tue lawns of Ascot 

JULV. 
'Neath greenest trees PI'NOH seeks to shun 

His friend Apollo's anger. 
While JUDY ices Badminton 

1 j cheer him in his linguor. 

AUGUST. 
Hail to the grouse ! The cession ends ; 

Tis g Hnin' in ;il', :inl spinach. 
What day will Dizzy treat his friends, 
To Urge white-bait at Greenwich ? 

SEPTRUBER. 

tho partridge reaches us, 
The weather oft grows raoistcr : 
But wherefore grieve that "this IB thus" 
While the month brings the oyster t 

OCTOBER. 
O russet month of bright decay ! 

If fine, thnu'rt not nnple:mnt : 
Too oft thv skies ar misty-grey 
But thou brlng'st "cock" and pneasant. 




NOVEMBER. 
Reynard for hounds oft proves a match, 

The sly brown-coated sinner ' 
Ride straight, one thing you* 



. . _ . _ , ' rc sure to 

catch 
An appetite for dinner. 

DtCEMBKR. 

King Christmas comes, too well we know 
His true bills, ;md Hum laughter ; 

Turkey, plum-duff, mince-pies and, ! 
The indigestion after ! 



THE SWELL'S STORY. 

Little llornllow (of the W.X.T.Y.C. t who had betn to Norway in his Yach>' " IT BLEW A. 
HURRICANE, LADIES, FROM THE BOO'-WEST ! SffA MOUNTAINS HIOH ! BUT, L-SUED TO TUB 
MAST. I SEIZED THE HELM, AND BROACHED HER TO BEAUTIFULLY, AND /WAY SHE FLEW 
BEFORE THE WIND POWN THE NORTH SEA, AND BROUGHT UP HEBE LAST NlQHT AT SlX 
BELLS ALL STANPIXUI" 



CLAIRVOYANT CHKOXOLOGY. 

1875. Act passed for the benefit of 
brutes who beat tlieix- Wives. 

1876. A marked decrease is noted in 
the noble sport of Wife beating, owing to 
the civilising influence of the Cat. 

1880. Startling discovery of a foot- 
warmer, furnished priutis by the Com- 
pany, in an English Third-class Carriage. 

1882. Painting of our new LAW Courts, 
and costly whitewashing of the facade of 
our noble National Gallery. 

18S3. Consequent increase of a penny 
in our Ilicome Tax. 

1885. Amendment of the Education 
Act, and general establishment of good 
Free Schools of Cookery. 

1890. Templu Bar tumbles down, nnd 
is then put up to auction, and purchased 
for addition to the Waxwork Show in 
Baker Street. 

1898. The decoration of St. Paul's is 
perfected, and grumbled at. 

1900. Mr. Punch delights tho world 
with the Sixtieth of his Almanacki. 



TENDERNESS FOR THE BIU'TE CREATION. 
A good old English squire and H.F.H., 
having happened to read COLERIDGE'S 
Ancient Mariner, said if anyene got bur- 
dened with a guilty conscience by only 
shooting an Albatross, wbat remorse 
mush perpetually prey upon the man who 
bus shot a Fox ! 

ABERRATION OF INTELLECT. A Member 
of the Anti-Tobacco Association, who w 
also a Good Templar, making a speech, 
said, in an exacerbation of insanity, that 
Tobacco might begin with T, but was it 
not, in almost all cases, accompanied 
with intoxicating liquor ? 

RIDDLE FOR THE SICK-ROOM. When ia 
a cake like an invalid ? 
When it is Seedy. 



17, IK4.1 



POETRY OK Till! 
I 'I. A NETS. 
f Hi.- Slant for May 

say, 

,n'l tin; 

But s]*:ak neither : 
h..j.r 

A* t'< til.' l.T.'dr tnir.l hOR<0 

to win the Ucrliy 

:.;ui>Ui Turf f. 
bopw, 

hive no horoscopes I 



, .M AY Ml I 

'I'll:! V.lriolH T.'IOI.'-I.IIU'O So- 
(il.tir.S Ml' 'I ill K -..'ler Hall, 

ami St. .UHH-.S'S. They re- 

.solve Upon tin- [l.l'.oholl of 

a now form of rli.'lgo to 

Mll'T I f 

D I S].ii UN, ami to 
itrink non : whatever except 
dry W i 



i;v UHY.MI: nu: 

THE TIME. 

V III. Ko.'lV I) WK 

I If ol'l ships !. 

With r iMen 

An. I ill-1-i.rk...l wains, 

II nl DM KoKVlM. k.iKYlJOCK. 

l)n Konv DICKORV DOCK 
I from his stock 

Tli.: wi.r.^t lh.it hi. 
CollM s '11.1 to sea 

i .lul DlCKOUV DOC'K. 

Dn Kol:V DII-KIIUV DOCK 
Felt quite a lili3Llsant shock 
Whcll fillips an. I 111. '11 
Were lost, for then 

iucd, di.l i 
DOCK. 

v Ihi'KoiiY DOCK 
Tiirov.- v.i-tly on hi* sfcook, 
Till, one fino (lay, 
In its sharp way, 
Tlu I.iw tackled DICKOHY 
DOCK. 




&. 



GEMINI. 



CANCER. 



f.S OF 8USIMKH. 

li SMIAWBICUIIII- and Creara 
ill tli,. ".v, . !. --i :ui'l richest 

qu ihty, 
Is uiy Midsummer Night's 

dream, 
My Midsummer Day's reality! 

LOCAL PECULUUITIES. 
AT Bilston they al ays bit 
the right n:iil on iho h. vl 

At liultuli ili inn 
for IboM who run up tick* 

off. 

At llnxidstnini the acc'm- 
modation for stout vihitoi* U 

Ulili>: 

At C'li-h'-.tiT they aro Jill 

" nal : 

At Covontry, BtranK" t" 

*ny, th.-v i .ill Innii^h 1... f-l:- 
titic fit' tin; iiiil.iln-r of |T- 
B..IIS who have Ijciu sent 
- 

At KiiLKniiinsti-r HM-IC H 
certain to Le something froeli 
oil tho tapif. 

At Liverpool they aro ex- 
tn mi ly oithodockR. 

If you writ* to Newcastle 
(Staffordshire) tike cure to 
under Lj*ne the addreM. 

At Kewnwrkct they take 
jxirticnUir interest in the 

rtsmouth evtry thing 
isship-th.] r 

At Kye you will meet none 
but R.v 

At Bhcftiold ynn will al- 
ways find a knife aud fork 
laid for you. 

OARDFNIXO is JI-NF.. You 
are told to "nrorft 

Heart's ease and Wallllov. ei 
liy cnttingn " lint muly 
Wullflowers have l< 
enough alrcdy, and i ut t in;;* 
j.ropagate not htart's-caeo 
but heartburnings. 

A NICE BrMMER RE-SORT. 
The Basque country. 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOtt 
NAVAL CADETS. 

Q. WHAT should bo dono with a ship's 
centre of gravity? 

A. Coil it liko an ordinary rope and 
sto\v it away iu tho hu.il. (&* [U:i:n, 
C.I!, M.I'.) 

<} Wliero is tho best position for tho 
i .- '.' 

A Ne.ir tho heaviest anchor. (/ 

I' VI \li.\Y.) 

<J. ICuiv il.j you ascertain tho number 
of knots run over tho " measured milij " .' 

A. Tie as m:my knots as you can iii a 
t.ip ' y.ird uieiisure, and multiply by 1760. 
(& COCKKR and COLRNSO. ) 

C. Wiien tho Captain makes it " Eight 
Bells," what is the proper course to tako t 

A. Ring a triple boo major. (&e any 
'Hi CtuHttaiivlogy.) 

Q. What aro the proper and most im- 
proving lu-quaintanees for tbo cad who 
disgr.i '. s t!i'. niuiie of cuilet? 

A. Tho gunner's daughter and the 
boatswain's cat. (.*et; CAPTAIJJ MAHRVAT, 



NURSERY linYME FOR THE TIME. 

- ind Pins ! Needles and Pins ! 

A Man must not marry for Needles and 

1'ins ! 

Wh it cm . Wife who 's at least a D. X 
Know ahout Sjwin^j or Buttons to-day? 

Hi.\\-i' in a \Vifi 1 who Six langvages knows 
BJ oxpeetcd to know how to dam her 
own hose ? 

Needles anil Pina ! Neodloa and Pins ! 
i M in marries Learning, his know- 

1...1 ;i' i 



\ Ilisr riMM TIIK Oi:N-ri.KMK^. Should 
(oiitinuo to wo ir loir,; evening 
. it will become absolutely neoea 
siry {.. rojiy th.. i.l:in adopted on railwaj's, 
an. I ilis). 'ay thi^ notice, in conspicuous 
kvter.-f, in our ball-rooms and drawing- 
rooms ' Beware of tho Trains ! " 

\Vin:N* La, Fillt de Madtimc Anf/ot went 
:i an. I a^^unieJ the costume and 
ni;m:i<Ts of the country, what was her 
favourite ilance? 

Evidently the Fun d'Angot. 

A PnoHUiin..NisT ISLAND Ushant. 




NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME. 
Hfsn a-bye, Baby, and leave all to me : 
That you 're well cared for your Mamrnlo 

will see ; 
Sloop then, my darling, in peace, fur ' 

You shall never be married to ono who is 

poor. 

Carriages diamonds for bosom and rnr, 
Jointure at least of three thousand 

All these shall be yours, my sweet Baby, 

ne'er doubt ; 
Elccp, sleep, then, in peace, while dear 

31ammiu looks out 1 



THE SAILOR'S VERSION. 

Old Saill/iy tliuter. " DRRICASE' ? ! WE'D A LIOHT AIR o' WISD OFF YARMOUTH. 
LASHID TO THE MAST'? WKLL, ALL I KNOW is, WHSX I WENT BBLOW TO AST FOB THE 
BRANDY BOTTLE, THE GOY'HOR HE OSLY r'umuj I " 



NEW "ACT OF UNIFORMITY." 
ALL Gentlemen to wear whit* hats in 
"InSSC to take lessons at the Bchool 

0f AU k Champagne at dinner-parties, 
dances, wedding-breakfasts, ic., to be of 
foreign growth. 

All Speeches and Sermons to bo distin- 
guished for their brevity. 

All Majors and Corporations to aUtain 
from presenting addresses. 

All Heads of Households to tako th. ir 
wives and fatr.ili. s to the sca-Mdc some- 
time between July and October 

All Umbrellas on loan to be faithfully 
restored to their owners. 

All Cabmen to be careful, civil, and 
scrupulously conect in their BbwgW. 

All Halrcutters to preserve silenco 
during the operation. 

All the out-door statues in London to 

bC AU I Foe'a at Theatres to be abolished. 

All street organs, street singer, street 
tumblers, and itrett beggars, to be put 

d An flirtations to bs sternly dlseouute- 

~ Domestics to remnin at least one 
their places. If required by their 
id Mistresses. 
Servants to have thiir falarics 

vts of Parliament to bo wordtd 

intr'li 

All smoking by young m-n v.nder _ four- 
teen years of age to be strictly prohibited. 

All Christmas Hampers to lie prepaid. 

All persons to buy Punck'i Almanack. 



Decratml:. ) 



U /1JJ1U.. 




THE TRANSIT OF VE 



iv 







'S December 9, 1874. 



DOGGMUKI. FOK TUE 

DOG- DAYS. 
EVERY IVij has his day : 

| C.it b.is her night. 

HEIOHO ! Whether alic 
took an over.!' '-f by mist'ikc, 
or comniittc.l s'ncide, it is 
impossible :it tins 
of Unw tony, and, 
enough, tho ('l.i-.<i,-il I'u'. 
Ito^cthcrsilcnt 
on tho ^:|^jt^t : but th_-ro 

. sll l-l'rt* of .1 

doubt about it lo d: 1 if 

[am, 

TcRXixa Tin: T.unr.i. 
Cunjur-iri >,iy t!i 

Spintuiili^ts 
tint they are uo Con- 

rROVFIUUAI. riIII.>'>"I'HV 

I':ir illvl to IV .r' 

swine : Diamond - rings iu 

Pigs' N 



NURSERY RHYME F< HI 

THE TIME. 
TVauK boy, \Vii.UE boy, 

where arc you going? 
I shall go with vmi. V "U 

uoevi not say N iv. 
I 'm going to Lecture PHO- 

FBSSOR Miss GLOWINU 
On Mnrbikl Anatomy lec- 
tures i 

\VILI.IB boy, WILLIE boy, that 

is delightful ! 
Let us make haste ! X"\v 
you need not look hip] 'i 1 : 
The Girl who thinks Morbid 

Anatomy frightful 
Dfscrvos for lier f'lly at 
least to be whipp'd. 



WHAT EVERY OLD Limnuv 
COSTAISS. Plenty of dry 
" rot." 




ASPIRATIONS FOR 

AUGUST. 

THE Houses rise ; the Ses- 
sion 's o'er ; 

Kow welcome the Recess. 
May taxes not have been 

made more, 
And liberty made less. 



LEO. 



VIRGO, 



DID YOU EVER? 

DID yon ever know a sane 
person who liked having bia 
hair cut ? 

Did you ever know a Man 
who was not delighted at 
being: excused from serving 
on si Jury? 

Did you ever hear of a 
Will which gave complete 
satisfaction ? 

Did you ever publish a 
little volume of Poems and 
find it turn out a profital'lo 
speculation? 

Did yon ever pay your 
Bates and Taxes with cheer- 
ful alacrity ? 

Did you ever " Spend a 
Happy Day ? " 

Did you ever experience 
the joy of an unexpected 
Legacy ? 

Did YOU ever hear a Bul- 
bul? 

And, Ladies 

Did you ever know a Dress- 
maker who could make you 
a dress, at the very earliest, 
btfore the week after next? 



SMALL TALK FOR SOCIETY. 
Sofas are said to have been 
invented by the Lollards. 
However, it appears that the 
Ottomans were beforehand 
with them. 

"Do you Beat your Car- 
pets? " Von do. Very good : 
if it eases your nasty temper, 
continue to beat them; it 's 
better than beating your 
wife. 







ACUTE CHINAMANIA. 

May. "MAMMA ! MAMMA ! DON'T GO ON LIKE THIS, TKAT! .'" 

Mamma (uho hai maifud ajaimtrite pot). " WHAT HAVE I GOT LEFT TO LIVE FOR?" 

May. "HAVEN'T you GOT ME, MAMMA?" 

Mamma. " You, CHILD I YoVRS HOT UNIQUE ! ! THERE ARK Six OF YOU A COMPLETE SST ! I" 



rnbcr 17. 187 U 



AUTUMNAL ELOQUENCE. 

OF long debates we've seen 

tho worst ; 
N.AV follows scientific in*- 

ter. 
Query if wo wcro better for 

tho first, 

Or Hre like to bo wiser for 

tho latter. 



" Do you want Luxuriant 
Hair and Whbikors?" You 
do t Then unless Nature 
works a ininu-h; in your be - 
h-ilt 1 . yini'll nrvcr got them 
by wring Dou'.s Kapillaroni- 
c:tn 1'roduriva Pomatum. 
Bold everywhere. 



NURSERY UUYMH I'OH 
THK TIME. 

U . MAll'il'.HY D.VW, 

Worked hard at Cull 
tlien atudiud Law ; 

Call.-d to tho iiur, her inten- 
tion ' to bo 

First, un a Circuit and, next, 
U <-l C. ; 

In duo course, a Judge : so 
61 'ping the bother 

Of the paltry vocations of 
Wile and of Mother. 



PKOFRSSIOVAL RECREATION. 
--Our Dentist went tu the 
Alp-* this last summer on a 
ImliiUiy tour, but he could 
not leave business behind 
him he scaled several 
mountains in the teeth too 
uf great difficulties. 

ANECDOTEOFA SAINT. St. 
Olave had no children. Tho 
wits of the period greatly 
iv^nMtt.-d this, as it deprived 
them of the opportunity of 
huiuiring after the young 
Olave branches. 

A GOOD DIG. If your Gar- 
dener turns out dishonest, 
call him the Knave of Spades. 
An unsafe f ml. 




THE BAGMAN'S BAO. 
HAKK how Ihu Cockney 

S}inrt-tu:in dn'pi 

JIU :iit4-hu "'cr tuo glades 



and gle 
t. al hen 



his 



, 

'AKRV never drops 



LIBRA. 



comuj i." 

imfl Airi 1 ,'. M h ivc 

i .111 :m i!.i|{y lX!- 

twecn the Drui 

Ml i a fonil <.f Sf;ini!i 

try. It baa been H'I; 
()M li:iilcy 

its li:llin! fV'Ul li:ivill',' 1 .'11 

.f ;i tcmpjoof Baal. 

POETHT or NATI-RE. In 
MIo of Winter vego- 
iimetlmo assumes a 

, tical nfjcct tli. in it 
i-vcr incscnti in Sprint;. 
Inn-ill :i -. .. rr wliitu frost 

tho twiKS of :ill tlio trees 
. ntirely 
i witL rime. 

FoKTUN'AiE MAN ! SNOP- 
nsn. ui ! ' 'yla- 

ti'n.B arc not of tlio bi-ppiciit 
charnctcr.saj-sbeonlyinvi. n 
il. ,. i 1 ,, i K for can nuon ba 
niiini.t haveaMothcr-m-lav,-. 

Ji-STicE TO LADIES. Of all 
Woman's Rigbts tho most 
.: is tbe rife'lit toprac- 
\ito ua a Pb> 

j.iti.nt could ever refuse a 
lee to a female t 

Tni'e HISTORY or WHIT- 
TIM:THN lie was ii 
>lagitruto of Indon wbo 
introduced tlie C'at for giu-ut- 

tCM. 

MvTHOLOCV AND FACT. 

Tlio River Poctolus flowed 
witb gold. The River Plate 
flows with gravy. 

POPULAR ETVMOLOOT. A 
Son of a Gun. The Woolwich 
lufant. 




CHRONIC CHINAMANIA (INCTIBABLE). 

Pale Enthusiast. "Tma 13 THE CREAM or MY COLLECTION, LAUIES ASD GENTLEMEN. IT is QUITE UNIQUE. IT WAS HADE BY THE FALLOWBEOOK POTTEET THAT WiS STARTID 

IH 1870. IT TOOK THEM THREE YEARS TO PRODUCE THIS PLATK, THE1B ONLY OKE, AND THEN AND THEN " 

Ruddy Pliilirtine. "AND THEN THEY SHUT UP, I SUPPOSE?" Po.lt Enthusiast. *'Ea YES!" 

Ruddu Philiatint. " A\-n I nos'T u-nMnnn ! 1 " 



FUJNubL D 



?i 



, 1874. 



ASTRONOMICAL OBSERVATIONS. 

MARS ia the warlike Planet. It i odd, therefore, to f:u 1 
th';t Mars is retrograde when in opposition," winch implies 
that if a man were Wn under the influence of the 1 hiuut 
Mara, be would runaway in Kittle. 

Venus is tlio nuut beautiful of all the Planets, yot in her 
tninil in the full li^ht ..f the Sun, she appear* t.i l.o merely 
a black siwt. The Mural fur all Vouusos is evident. I at. 

'" Supltcrt Satellites revolve about him at different dis- 
t uices, and ai-e subject to being 

Jupiter U a noble Planet : but 
what a set of MI-JUS las Satellites 
must bo. 

Saturn shines witli a [ule dead 
lii.'ht. Ci'iiip.iic'l with J'ipiter, 
be is lu'whcrc. Yet l.e h.i> double 
the number !" Satellite* that 
Jupiter has. This i-> Mounted 
for by the cxclu.-ivenes.s of the 
circle" in which Jupiter ni.ive.i. 
If Jupiter's Satelliti 
Saturn's are bothsnot >s and UK its 
His n.ival 11. >m of 

the Backstairs has more ! 
about him than has His Koy.d 
Highness himself. 

NL'HSEHY ItHYME FOB THE 

TIME. 

Siuz a Song of Sixtwnce 
Made into a Pound, 

Any way, 

Kvery day. 
All the year round. 
When your Pounds arc many, 
Make them make you mure ; 

I H> not stop, 

K<jep your shop 
Going as before. 

Never leave off making 
Money while you can : 

" I have most ! " 

Prouder boast 
Can there be for man! 

THS BEST LUBRICATOR roR 
RAILWAY CABUIAGE WutELS. 
Train OIL 

ART CRITICISM. In to) many 
pictures the colour ia Medi- 
ocre. 

THE " MOTIIERBANK." The 
BanU- of England. 



CREMATION QUERIES. 
MIOIIT not the sight of our friend's ashes grate on our 

Might not tho preservation of the urns of oautaukorous 
relations pel-|>etuato family jars? 

Ought prodigal heirs to bo allowed to disperse tho 
"dint " left behind by their ancestors? 

Would not the ashes of a fine old crusty uncle be appru- 
!y consigned to a bottle that ouce held Sandcm.m's 
port ? 



THE SIGNS OF T1IK ZODIAC. 

41 Bar i* Kimj." 
ARIES, the RAM, sells ALI.SOP in 

the Skies. 
TAI;BIM, the BULL, the Gods with 

UAHS supplies. 
GEUIXI, TWINS, have Double X 

on sale. 
CASCER, the CRAB, keeps CROW.- 

LEV'S Alton Ale. 
LLO, the Liox, offers London 

Stout. 
VIRGO, the VIRGIN, WATXEY A: 

Co. serves out. 
LIBRA, the SCALES, toStogumocr 

inclines. 
SCORPIO, the SCORPION, most in 

Stingo shines. 
At CAPRICORN Llangollen is in 

draught. 
In SAGITTARIUS Scotch is chiefly 

quaffed. 

AQUARIUS is a Temperance Hotel. 
PISCES in every kind of drinks 

excel. 



MEMS. BY A CIIIXAMANIAC. 

UIM. The Man in the Moon 
has telegraphed to say that he is 
coming in the middle of next 
week to see my Chelsea Shep- 
iMvdaHL 

.\h.,t. Not to let her flirt with 
him more than I can help. 

3/tfm, Old JAWKINS declares 
that ho oaii prove that the Great 
Wall of China is not Oriental, but 
was really baked at Lowc-stoft. 

Mem. Bet him that his proofs 
will show he is half-baked. 

Mfiti. Not to let that dealer 

hi Old Worcester give mo any U 

more of his Old Worcester Sauce. 

Mem. To find out somebody wjao will publish my Con- 
fetsvmt of a Crackle China Ttacup. 

MtM. Mind I don't forget to finish tho first chapter ore I 
begin the next. 

Mem. The best cement for mending broken China is 
composed of roasted snowballs, mixed with roes of Robin 
Redbreasts and pettitoes of Eels. 

Mm. Mind I go next week to CRCSTY'S, and buy a lot of 
Teapots at twenty pounds a-piece. -~ 

Men. When I 've bought them, bring them homo and 
put them out of sight 




FIRESIDE GAME?. 
TUB great want at Christinas is Fireside Games. Ono 

very good one is to bring into the Drawing-room a quantity 

of snow, and, sitting down before the fire, set to work to 

make fire-proof snowballs. 

Some little knowledge of Chemistry is required for this ; 

but perhaps the leas the better. 
'] he Trick Hat is funny too. Take a Visitor's hat, the 

better tho hat the better the trick. Place it on a chair. 

Cover it with a cloth. If there are plenty of people playing 
with you, you can ask one of 
them to be King, and then let 
him sit on the hut ; or if you are 
all alone, j ou will sit on it your- 
self, and say, " Now I am King." 
You can repeat this as often as 
you like to. The finish of the 
game is real fun, for in this, of 
course, you will be joined by the 
Visitor himself. This part of the 
" Trick Hat Game " is most 
am'. sing. Tho Visitor searches 
for bis hat everywhere, never 
suspecting for a minute that it 
is under the cloth on the chair. 
When he gets warm, you will 
try tn divert his attention; but 
when he ftets absolutely hot (as 
he is pretty sure to do) then it is 
best to run away as quickly as 
possible, and hide somewhere. 

The Moral of this amusing and 
instructive game is, "Hide or 
you '11 be Hided," 

Another capital Game is the 
Kgi; in the Tail-coat Pocket. 
This is a companion t'i the Sum- 
mer Game of the Tiipc Straw- 
berry and the White Duckf. 
This last is most simple. In- 
duce someone to wear white 
ducks, i.e., white trowsers. Put 
a Strawberry ou a chair without 
his having seen it. While engaged 
in conversation with a third party 
push the chair towards him, and 
politely request him to sit down. 
He will wonder what has hap- 
pened ; you won't. 

The Stickler. Take a good thick 
stick or a sharp switch, ami hit 
somebody till he laughs. When 
he laughs, he loses the Game, 
and you go in. This also is 
simple. A cane will serve all the 
purpose. 

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE 
TIME. 

THEM: was a Man of Newington 
And lie was womlious wise, 
He f died for Twenty Thousand 

Pounds 
To everyone's surprise. 

But after that he did not do 
As be had done before, 

He failed, as quickly as he could, 
For Forty Thousand more. 



INTRUDER. 

Little Boldwig (he had been Jininy with Ids Company, awl hail let Idmself in with his latchkey to Gigantic 
"COME ox. I'LL FIOHT YOU!" (Furiously.) " POT YOUR SHTICK DOWN! !" 
[Bui Itis imaginary f tie icaaonlythe new Umbrella-Stand a present from Mrs. B. .' 



Stranger hi fault in his hall). 



A THOUGHT IN OXFORD STREET. The Poet is not alone in 
his use of "apt alliteration's artful aid." Tho spirited 
Draper relies equally on its subtle influence when he allures 
the public, by the medium of large placards, to his " Sum- 
mer sale of surplus stock." 

A DISTINCTION WITH AS IMMENSE DIFFERENCE. Tho 
Local Board is only to bo found in some towns ; the locally 
bored in all. 

MATERIA MUSICA. A Lady being asked what was the best 
wood for Pianos, replied, without hesitation Broadwood. 



MIXING rp THINGS. It was a 
very pardonable confusion of 
ideas in a Lady, who gave up 
much of her time and thoughts 
to dress and novel-reading, to 
Bay that she had been delighted 
with " The Princess of 1'tille." 

SCIENCE'. MADE EASY. Go to a 
County ball, and mark how the 
little people are all attracted by 
the great people, if you wish to 
understand what maguateism is. 

REFLECTION ON A PLACARD. 
" Chops and steaks on the short- 
est notice "better still, on the 
gridiron. 

CHRISTMAS GAME FOR 3In. 
GLADSTONE. Pope. 

"SOCIAL PRESSURE." Shaking 
hands. 

SPECIAL TRAINS. Very long 
dresses. 

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. 
OUR Butcher will decorate his 
prize beef and mutton with gor- 
geous favours and rosettes. 

Our distinguished military ac. 
quaintance, LIEUT.-GKNEKAL SIR 
SAMPSON WINGERKIELD, B.C.G, 
I.S.C.K., G.M.C.K., will decorate his martial breast with 
his various stars and vibbors. 

Our Cook and Housemaid will decorate the Kitchen with 
Holly and Mistletoe. 

Our fantastic friend, MRS. DOSSINOTON DOLLINGCOURT, 
will decorate her cheeks with a little artiftciil colour. 

Our eldest unmarried Daughter will assist the REV. . 
NAZIANZENUS SMYI.AX. in decorating his district Church. 
Our youngest will be decorated with blue ribbons. 
Our table will be decorated with Punch's Pocket Book 
and Punch's.Almanack. 



December 17, 18J4.1 



I t .M II 




M YSTK n I KS O F 

XOVKMlii:U. 
INTO the- future u 

1 1. 1 re, 

CUi: - ,, vainly 

pry T 
BAjr.uwn.whol 

Lord M.ivor, 
And who's to bo t: 
in; tiny. 



PROVERBIAL 
PHILOSOPHY. 

NI.VKH >l> ! 

i put ulT iluii; 
: ii)^ "U a i 

Uiipiiiu'M.ihty i* tuo soul 
of method. 

' lAViilthere's 
a Wiv of up* ' 

For wantofaCab the Train 

"Ms 1.1-4. an 1 f"i* w:ilit of a 

: the Rice wa 

'Tio the early \V< 
gets walked into by tbo 
liU-kbird. 

Invention Is the P . 
of N" cos^i'y. ami the I'aix'iit 
of tlu Soap-bubble. 

If you want a tlii: 

f ptld. w. ilj 
speech is often bra 

- niu't, when tha 
Printer's Devil call*. 



A FI:I.I.OW Fi:t:i.iNO. Thero 
I'.irli ini'Mit:n-y mea- 
sure, passed re^u'arly every 
Session, which iwrsuns wh 
aro inclined to make free 
with their neighbour*' pro- 
jvrty rcgiird with consider- 
alile*f;iv.>ar the Appr.pri;v 
tiun Bill. 

THE Qr.\nitATpRE or THE 
Describe a Cirelo ; 
and let it be a Ring of Swin- 
dlers. SqiLiie your King. 

PANS-CULOTTES CnEnoir.- 
CuLOTTEa. Strong- 1 
Women of the "u'lvuni:cd" 
brigade. 




CHRISTMAS CAROL. 
O THE good old times 
Of tho Christmas Chimes, 
TVhieb, we hear as well to- 
day. 

As the Bell chinks, 
So the Fool thinks, 
And will for ever and ;ivc. 



% 



C.UV.MMJ 

V.mivW d 

Clmlmti* H 

ID tiny d 

r:hhrd. 

P. A ,UH d 
il.W-llon <t 
iCfitn. M.T* 



8k Tli-m .. 
WiWIn Q.hf. 
Tl. J-i.-irnhH. 
P Cl.ti.l. Er. 
^ Cliriit. Dny 
lB.rf.cS 

C. Urn*, d. 

JO.TulMMIlU 

:;. w -i^ffoni. 

H-,111 Cntt)i cap. 
M V SilTemt 



-'' S 



SAGITTARIUS. 



CAPKICORNUS. 



WAITING Fon AN Asswi:r:. 
Has the Charity Orp-ain'xi- 
tion Society evei invest i^iitcd 
.1 greater case of destitution 
than that f the lady who 
denied herself the common 
luxuries of life ? 

AT THE " MITRE." A 
Bishop, who naturally thinks 
a good deal of himself, can 
hardly consider it a compli- 
ment to be called "the uidi- 
imry." 



NURSERY RHYME FOR 
THE TIME. 

I 'LI, tell you a story 
About JACK-A-NOHV, 
Home for the Chri&tmas Va- 
cation : 

When offered mince-pies, 
lie, indignant, replies, 
"With learning they've no 
con elation." 



SUITABLE PREMISES. A 
pi eat Teetotal gathering i.s 
expected to take place next 
Summer in Kew Gardens, in 
the new "TemperateHou.se." 

SI-:I,F- EVIDENT. It must 
have been a Cockney who 
Bnid that St. Bees came from 
St. 'Ives. 

WIT AND WISDOM. In the 
midst of joke we are in 
earnest. 

THE PATRON SAINT OF THE 
MONEY MARKET. St. Simon 
Stock. 

THE WORST OF SHARES. 
Gin and Hitters. 




THE CHURCH EQUITANT. 



Mop (on choice Cob, t,at nlled to rtnmilrale "-111, S,mrti<, F mm , who l-eep, Racdoriu). " 1 AM DF.KPLY COSOERNED TO HEAR Mh 
^ Sporting Parton. " BLESS YOUR LORDSHIP ! ONLY PLATERS ! I 'D BE GLAD TO CHOP ANYTHING IN MV'STAB 



THAT TOD KEEP, AND EVEN TRAIN, 
BLES FOR THAT COB OF YOURS 1 1 " 



JANTAKT 2, ls:.\| 



(HI THK LONDON CHAIMVAI5F. 




A CHRISTMAS NUMBER A LA MODE. 

JOHN SMITH was ill, very ill. He had sent for the Doctor in hot 
haste. His family (a numerous one) surrounded his easy chair. 
The poor old man (poor in health, only .let it be understood, for 
he was as rich as Crocus in pocket) gazed at the assembled throng 
with eyes dimmed, not by tears of affection. His numerous relatives 
bent over him to hear what he had to say. 

" My friends," he gasped out, " I want yon to do me a favour, 
cannot last much longer, and before I die I should much like to hear 
all your stories." 

There was an awkward pause, and then one of his relatives ad- 
vanced. He was a little old man dressed in a suit of seedy black. 
He cleared his throat, coughed apologetically, and commenced as 
follows : 

The Pew-opener'' s Story. 

" The Church of St. Bunkumis in the ward of Cold Without, in the 
City of London, &c., &c. One foggy November morning, when the 
streets were, &c., &c., I was dusting the reading-desk when, &c., 
&c. The Bride was a timid young thing, and as she stood before 
the Curate, &c., &c. The Bridegroom was nervous, &o., &c. The 
young couple drove off in a cab, &c., &c. He tried hard to get 
work from the editors of the magazines, &c., &c. She pined away, 
&c., &o. And on New Year's Eve I heard that they both were 
dead ! " 

When the little old man had finished his story, JOHN SMITH 
opened his eyes and exclaimed, " Let me hear the next." 

Accepting this invitation, a bright-looking young man with curly- 
brown hair and sparkling blue eyes stepped briskly forward, and 
began 

The Civil Engineer's Story. 

"'CHARLEY, old man, you will never do it !' exclaimed my 
partner. My partner was, &c., &c. In spite of this, I determined 
to begin the work the next morning, &c., &c. The men murmured. 
&c.. &c. I seized the revolver from MOBTON'S hand, &c., &c. And 
so he was tried, found guilty of manslaughter, and sentenced to 
penal servitude for life." 

The bright-looking young man hastily wiped away a tear, and 
bowing to the company, left the apartment. 

Old JOHN SMITH roused himself from a gentle slumber, and cried 
" Now for the next !" 

A pale-faced man, very blue about the cheeks and chin, advanced, 
and related 

The Story of the Christmas Clown. 

" OLD HIGGTNGS used to work the Norfolk Circuit when me and 
SALLY were engaged at thirty shillings a week as 'useful people.' 
My wife (she was called Miss FLORENCE PLANTAGENET in the play- 
bills) was, e., &c. Well, one night when we had a good house (it 



was SiGNOHToMKTNs's benefit) we, &c., &c. The rouge was still on 
her face, &c., &c. ' It is fever,' said the doctor, in a low tone and 
I, &o., &c. I gave the audience my usual joke (we call it a 
' wheeze ' in the Profession) before I came off, so that the SIGNOR 
might have time to prepare for jumping through the paper balloons, 
when. &c.. &o. The audience roared with laughter, &c. , &c. She s 
dead,' said the doctor, as I came off, and poor lass, so she was ! 

The Christmas Clown buried his face in his hands, and poor old 
JOHN SMITH (with tears in his eyes) observed, " A sad, sad story. 
And now for the next." 

A gentleman, with a face overflowing with drollery, advanced, 
and, without any preface, commenced 

The Story of the Man Without a Memory. 

" I NEVER could remember anything, &c., &c. When I was a boy, 
&c., &c. When I was a youth, &c., &c. Well, I was engagedto 
be married, &c., &c. I was called in the morning, &c., &c. ' The 
day of your marriage, Sir,' said he, and &c., &c. I looked at my 
watch, &o., &o. I hurried to the church, &c., &o. The clergjTnan 
was very angry ; he said, &c., &c. The ring was not on the piano, 
&c., &c. And to this day I am a bachelor, whilst MARY, (the woman 
1 adored) is married to the hated pork-butcher, and is the mother of 
five children !" 

There was a roar of laughter as the speaker finished. Alter the 
merriment had subsided, some one called attention to ^oor old JOHN 
SMITH. His jaw had dropped, his features were rigid, his eye 
glazed, his expression one of the deepest dejection. He was dead . 



^Ill/I'll, Illtt e.VpICBSlUil UUC UA tllCF UCT^rcov wtj^.vnwi. *J.w nv~ 

the concluding story (it was a comic one) had finished him with- 
out the assistance of a doctor ! 



SIR, 



BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. 



IT must have been! I've got at it. I've onlyjnst hit 
upon it. The story of BRUMJFY and the Dog-fight. I 've found out 
the solution of it all. It was evidently intended, at the commence- 
ment of the autumn theatrical season, now over, to draw public 
attention to Richard Cccur de Lion at Dmry Lane. Didn't you see 
the pictures on the walls? "The hound attacking the Knight." 
Of course. Depend on it, something went wrong, and the scheme 
was mismanaged somehow, or under that picture we should have 
seen long ago daily advertised, " The Man and Dog Fight in Richard 
Ctcur de Lion at Drury Lane every evening." 

Yours, 

SLEEPYHEAD WOKEUP. 



A WINTRY SECT. The Shakers. 



TOL. Lxvm. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 2, 1875. 



THE NEW YEAR'S NURSES. 




AH, safe wert thou from sorrow's 

canker-worm, 

Young Seventy-Five, had Fate as- 
signed thy lot, 

At thy first step into life's wintry 
storm, 

To feel the wise support and pressure 
warm 

Of Punch's arms about thy baby 

form, 

New-wakened on a world that 
knows thee not. 

But rougher nurses thy young life 

environ, 

If through the clouds thy horo- 
scope I catch 

BISMARCK, who makes his pap of 
blood and iron, 

And PAPA Pius, who all schools 
throws mire on, 

Except that old one, that piled 

Smithtield's fire on, 
Ere to its faggots BOOTEE laid the 
match. 



So nnrsed in Pantomimes poor babes are seen 
By reckless Clown and ancient Pantaloon 

Crammed with strange pap, with blacking-brush scrubbed 
clean, 

Chucked to and fro, their nnrses' hands between, 

And sat upon, if restless they have been 
Under hot poker, scrubbing-brush, or spoon. 

"While GLADSTONE, as Policeman, dark and dry, 
PITTS, who wants the babe, taps on the shoulder ; 

Swears, though Infallibility defy, 

None of your Roman Doctors shall come nigh, 

The babe to drug and dose and stupif y, 
And keep from growing wiser as he's older. 

As Harlequin to this Clown and Pantaloon, 

France shows in closely-fitting mask and motley : 
Spangled and partycoloured. cap to shoon, 
In transformations changeful as the moon, 
Wound np by a strait- waistcoat, late or soon 
Natural end of flip-flaps flung too hotly. 



Tattered and battered, brainless as she 's bold, 
Spain light-heeled Columbine may fitly play. 
Leering coquette 'neath her mantilla's fold, 
Who takes her geese for swans, her brass for gold, 
And deems Madrid Earth's central nave doth hold- 
Knaves enough she dues hold, spelt with a K. 

And yet rough Force, infallible Imbecility, 

Mad Change, and Anarchy more frantic still, 
All vail their crests, and own their inability 
To stand against the Power that in tranquillity 
Bows Present, Past, and Future to humility, 
'Neath the Dark Wisdom, and the Unseen Will. 



Cockney Furrin and 'Ome Review. 

Ilurgustus. Rather 'ardof hold BISUAKCK to be down on 
hain't it ? 

^Enery. Yes, I 'm sorry for old 'AERY HAKNTM. I wonder if 
BISMAJICK '11 hindorse 'is committal with "No Christmas Fare." 
CABDEN 'd ha' dun it if he 'd a cot the poor beggar. 



JANUARY 2, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



PUNCH'S GIFTS FOR THE NEW YEAR. 

O PRINCE VON BISMABCK. 
A copy of the Polite Letter 
Writer, translated into 
German, French, English, 
and Russian. 

To COUNT AHNIM. Free 
quarters for two months in 
the Berlin Stadt's-festung 
ut the expense of the Ger- 
man Government. 

To the RIGHT HON. W. 
E. GLADSTONE. The edi- 
torship of a sensational 
magazine. 

To the RIGHT HON. 
BENJAMIN DISRAELI. A 
volume of " Songs Without 
Words," to he studied for 
Lord Mayors' Dinners. 

To Metropolitan Mana- 
gers. Narrower Pieces and 
longer Petticoats. 

To the LORD CHAMBER- 
LAIN. More power to his 
elbow. 

To DR. COLENSO. A 
Pulpit. 

To MB. SruBGEON. A box of the best cigars, and the thanks of 
all intelligent men. 

To PROFESSOR DABWTJT. A genealogical tree, discovered in the 
Zoological Gardens. 

To ADMIRAL Rons. A seat in a Captain's gig, with a screw 
behind him. 

To LORD MAYOR STONE. A bottle of Chloral, to he opened 
between Dover and Calais, on his official progress to the opening of 
the Grand Opera at Paris. 

To Begging- Letter Impostors. The Dog. 

To Wife Beaters. The Cat. 

To the Sun. Another flying visit from Venus. 

To the Moon. Many happy returns of the day. 

To Englishmen. The secret of the North- West Passage. 

To Irishmen. Home Rule that isn't Rome Rule. 

To Scotchmen. A volume of Punch, with the case of surgical 
instruments necessary for enjoying it. 

To Germans. The power to forget. 

To Frenchmen. The wisdom to forgive. 

And lastly to Mr. Punch. The Sovereignty of the Whole World. 




OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

The Commencement of a New Deal in Horseflesh with CHALVEY 
the Gipsy. 

MR. CHALVEY (at the gate with the Cob in question) is, I believe, 
professionally a Gipsy. He is meteoric in his movements, appear- 
ing suddenly in our neighbourhood for a few hours, and disappearing 
as suddenly. 

Nobody can tell you precisely whence he comes, or whither he goes. 
He may be known to the Police, and probably is so, and favourably, 
too, if I may judge from the few occasions when I 've seen MR. CHAL- 
VEY in the company of one of the native force. MR. CHALVEY and 
myself have been on nodding terms for some time past. We have 
never spoken ; but he has invariably touched his fur cap on seeing 
me, and I have returned his salutation, not only out of politeness, but 
from a sort of fetish feeling, that 1 'd better keep on civil terms 
with CHALVEY the Gipsy, or CHALVEY the Gipsy will be, somehow 
or other, one too many for me. In spite of my atiable smile and 
cheery nod to CHALVEY in the village, I should not like to meet 
CHALVEY alone in a dark lane at night, with nobody ivithin two 
miles of us. I certainly couldn't fight CHALVEY, with any chance 
of success ; and as certainly he could fight me : or probably, to 
save trouble, he would knock me down with a life-preserver, which 
he would, I dare say, have about him, handy. Now here, as CAZELL 
has been saying, there would be an advantage in being a Freemason 
I mean, if CHALVEY and myself were both Masons. Only, 
by the way, on . a dark night how could we see each other's 
signs ? 

Happy Thought. Squeeze each other's hands. 

True ; but before we got to this, I should be on the ground, 
stunned by a life-preserver. 



However, not yet beinfj a Mason, and CHALVEY being here on 
quite another business, this discussion can be deferred. 

He, CHALVEY, is a very much sunburnt man. with a sunburnt fur 
cap, dried up entirely in some places^ and bald in others. He has 
two jet black shining ringlets framing his walnut brown face, and 
all round his mouth and over his chin is a deep Prussian blue colour, 
the result of shaving a powerful beard. CHALVEY evidently prides 
himself on his scrupulous neatness in shaving, and I notice that 
MUROLE keeps his hand up before his own stubbly chin with a sense 
of inferiority in this respect. It suddenly occurs to me that now at 
last (it has often bothered me) I know whom MURGLE resembles ; he 
is uncommonly like CHALVEY the Gipsy, who might be his elder or 
younger brother, according as MURGLE chose to come out shaved or 
unshaved. Horse-dealing does make one suspicious. And when 
you 've been a seller yourself, you become, from experience, more 
suspicious than ever. It strikes me that MURGLE and CHALVEY are 
conspiring. I fancy that they are both Gipsies ; which is worse, I 
imagine, than being Freemasons, as they have signs and a language 
of their own, impossible for me to understand. 

Happy Thought. On guard. 

CAZELL critical. MURGLB dubious as to which side he 's to take. 
CHALVEY steady, but indifferent, apparently, to results. Myself 
watchful all round. CHALVEY opens tie ceremonies with a respect- 
ful touch of his cap. This from a Gipsy, a being free as the air, 
owning no sovereign (this by the way, pecuniarily speaking, is highly 
probable), with a tribe at his bock and call, ought to be reassuring. 
But it isn't. The fact is, I have a sort of notion that if Gipsy 
CHALVEY were to give a peculiar whistle, heads of Gipsies the 
heads of the tribe would pop up in every direction probably with 
a chorus. That 's my idea of Gipsies. My Aunt, who has returned 
home suddenly, and has been, unknown to me till now, surveying 
the scene from her bed-room window, has her notion of Gipsies in 
connection with chickens, and infant heirs to vast estates. She 
calls to me, and " wonders how on earth I can have anything to do 
with that suspicious-looking man," meaning CHALVEY. 

" For goodness sake," she says, " do get rid of him as quickly as 
possible, or we shan't have a chicken left in the place." 

I assure her (entirely against my own conviction) that Gipsies are 
the most harmless people, and beg her not to be frightened. She 
refuses to retire from the window, being determined to watch 
CHALYEY'S movements closely, and be ready to send for the police at 
the slightest intimation of treachery on his part. She tells me in 
an undertone that, walking from the station to our cottage, she has 
noticed several suspicious looking characters about. 

At this time of year when the days have drawn in, my Aunt always 
sees suspicious looking people about in the lanes. I return to 
CHALVEY, who conies to business at once. 



SHAKY BRAINS AND SOUND ONES. 

WITH reference to" the arrest of MRS. GIRLING, the Superioress of 
the New Forest "Shakers," on a certificate of insanity, MR. 
AUBERON HERBERT writes a letter to the Times, avowedly 

" to call attention to the act, and to invite any who feel the danger of it 
to correspond with me on the subject, in order that we may consider the ad- 
visability of calling the Doctor to account for granting the certificate, and, if 
necessary, of raising such a sum as may be required for doing this effectually." 

In the opinion of MR. AUBEBON HERBERT, the Shakers are no 
more insane than the majority of orthodox believers : 

" Superstitious, poor people, they were without doubt, from ths crown of 
the head to the sole of the foot ; but it wag only in another degree the same 
harmless superstition with which moat of my friends are afflicted when they 
believe themselves to be personal favourites of Providence, from the school-boy 
who prays for a good innings in his cricket match to the Archbishop who 
prays for an alteration of weather." 

The school-hoy who seriously prays for a good innings is perhaps a 
rather uncommon specimen of a religious boy. If his praying occa- 
sioned him to be careless in his 'batting, no doubt it would be advis- 
able that his friends should look after him. Suppose an Archbishop, 
in consequence of having prayed for fine weather, were therefore 
to persist against advice in going out in the rain without a Macin- 
tosh or an umbrella, there would be reason to contemplate the 
probable necessity of putting that prelate under restraint. Craziness 
needs confinement whenever it manifests himself in alarming overt 
acts. If there are any lunatics in these dominions who ought by 
all means to he shut up, they are those who will comply with MB. 
AUBERON HERBERT'S invitation to correspond with him on the sub- 
ject, and consider the advisability of calling the certifying Doctor 
to account for granting his certificate. 



CELESTIAL COLD SHOULDER. A CORRESPONDENT suggests, as ex- 
planation of the late severe weather, that Venus has been flirting 
with the Sun, and creating a coolness between him and the Earth. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 2, 1875. 




A NICE DISTINCTION. 

Sunday Visitor. "WHAT is THAT BOY OF YOtms PLAYING AT, MRS. MULLINGTON.?'' 

The Vicar $ Wife. " 0, WELL, or COURSE HE CAN'T HAVE HIS BALL TO PLAY WITH on SUNDAYS so WE LET HIM HAVE THE SOFA- 
CUSHION TO KICK 1 " 



A VOICE FROM VENUS. 

(Sic Transit.) 

YE humdrum devotees of Earth's new god- 
Lord of the alembic and the measuring-rod, 
This parvenu proud Science what do ye 
Setting your petty peeping-tubes at me ? 
Not now, as once on Ida, I 'm on view, 
To take the shine out of the rival two 
Who hoped to eclipse me. I 'm to be displayed 
In shadow fancy Venus " in the shade .'" 
Or just conceive the Queen of Loves and Pleasures 
Made use of to correct men's weights and measures ! 
Minerva sneers, " An excellent object too." 
But then the spiteful thing was always " blue." 
She "s sweet on sarants, and her chief reliance is 
On those ridiculous things they call their Sciences. 
But I what crass Boeotian barbarian 
Dares picture Venus turned utilitarian ? 
These prying f ools dismal degradation ! 
Care less for Phoebus than his habitation. 
Not unto such shall veilless Venus rise, 
Love on her lips and laughter in her eyes ; 
No, let them turn their trumpery tubes afar 
To watch the twinklings of some tenth-rate star. 
By Paphos, passion's roses lire my cheeks ! 
A fig for " progress," give me back my Greeks ! 
Have these Dlunt-witted Britons an idea 
That Science suits the shrine of Cytherea '< 
Is it for this their daughters I have dowered 
With all the charms Which 'neath my cestus flowered, 
When I was Queen of every heart in Hellas ? 
Charms that might make my darling Helen jealous. 
'Twould serve them right to turn each maiden's nose 
As blue (poor darlings !) as Minerva's hose. 



Men mouth our names, ye gods, but to insult us, 

And mock us with mere mathematic cultus. 

But Science has no camera that focusses 

Her whose white feet amidst the golden crocusses 

Slid when young Paris saw what all their glasses 

Shall never spy. When Venus Victrix passes 

There 's splendour such that, could it meet men's 

glance, it 
Would quite eclipse the thing they call her Transit. 

Mem by Minerva. 

Venus is spiteful that her reign is over, 
And LOCKYEE is not her style of lover. 
Science has shamed her ; Science my chief care is : 
All men are not such fools as that young Paris ! 

Cujiid's Comment. 

I fear Mamma is growing blind or stupid ; 
She reckons certainly without her Cupid. 
Pallas may prate, but I '11 find means to check her 
She 's only the Olympian LYDIA BECKEE. 
A fig for all her protests' appliances ! 
The Queen of Hearts is match for all the Sciences : 
Nor shall they snatch a spell from all the stars, 
To break the rule of her who vanquished Mars. 
We '11 lord it, She and I, while worlds revolve, 
And Venus Victrix never need resolve 
To shut up Paphos, or unyoke her sparrows, 
While men have hearts, girls eyes, and Cupid arrows. 

Postscript by Mr. Punch. 
Punch, the sworn champion of British Beauty 
Finds loyalty to Love his pleasing duty ; 
His Office, 85, Fleet Street, (between us) is 
A very favourite shrine indeed of Venus's. 
So he must print her plaint, yet thinks it groundless, 
Deeming her empire, now as ever, boundless. 



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JANUARY 2, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



S/ui need not chide the tavants : let wild clerics 

Hare the monopoly of such hysterics. 

Her rule is safe in Britain, while its daughters 

Are armed with every charm which snares or slaughters : 

With Punch, a nicer Naso, ever handy, 

To " coach " them in a blameless Ars Amandi. 



SPECIAL PANTOMIME COMMISSION. 




UNWILLING to be behindhand in the theatrical world just when 
all holiday play-going parents are looking about to see where they 
shall take TOMMT and HARRY for a theatrical .treat, it occurred to 
Your Special Pantomime Commissioner to enter into a correspond- 
ence with the different Managers, asking them, as the beat-informed 
persons on the subject, what they would recommend everyone to go 
and see. We always held that the theatrical profession was entirely 
free from all jealousy, and the replies which we have received prove 
this to be the case. 

Space will not allow of our publishing the correspondence in full, 
but specimens, in the interest of our readers, will suffice. The 
letters are all addressed to " Your Pantomime Commissioner, and 
are of course prepaid with a large Head." 

From MR. RICE, the Manager of Covent Garden. 
DEAR SIB, 

LET everyone go and see Aladdin at Drury Lane. Don't 
make any mistake, it 's sure to be the best pantomime out. 

Yours truly, E. 

From MR. CHATTERTON, of Drury Lane. 

* * * What I say to my friends is, don't bother yourself about 
Drury Lane, Covent Garden 's the pantomime this year. 

F. B. C. 
From Lord Dundreary at the llaymarket. 

IF I were a happy father or a mother I 'd rather be a mother, 
beooth' itth'a withe child that talloth itth own nothe no, that ithn't 
the pwoyerb. But I thould go and thee a Pantomime I like a 
Pantomime beooth' itth a thort of thing that every fellow can 
underthand. BUCKSTONE jointh me in withing you many happy 
weturnth of the day. By the way, what a nuithanth it would be if 
a day were alwayth weturning. You 'd never know when to get up. 
I with they 'd make me the Lithenther " 



of playth. 
Yourth everly, 



DUN. 



From F. CHATTERTON, of the Adelphi. 

I CAN'T say better than, go and see the Lyceum. That 's the fun 
for children at Christmas. 

F. B. C. 

From Sole Lessee and Manager, F. B. CHATTERTON. (Strikes us 
we've heard this name before) of the Prittcess's Theatre. 

LET me honestly advise you to take your children to the Amphi- 
theatre. 

Yours ever, as before. 



From MB. BATEMAN, of the Lyceum. 

FOB Christmas IRVING as Hamlet tells me there 's nothing better 
in London than the performance at the Gaiety Theatre. Let 
everyone go there. 

From MR. JOHN HoLLljratHXAD, Gaiety. 

Tim Opera Comique is evidently the place to spend a happy 
Christmas holiday night. 

Yours, J. H. 2?o Fees. 

From Miss THOMPSON, Globe TJteatre* 
DEARER SIR, 

WHERE shall I advise your friends to go for the best enter- 
tainment in London ? Of course, to the Strand Theatre. 

LIBIA THOMPSON. 

Miss SHERIDAN, of the OpSra Comique. 

THB Court Theatre is the thing you should go and see. Just 
the very piece for children at Christmas. 

MR. NEVILLE, of the Olympic. 

I "VE been thinking over it, and I should say that, if you really 
want amusement, you can't do better than go to the Globe. 

H. X. 

MR. HENGLER, of HENGLER'S Circua, Argyll Street, of course 
highly recommends Astley's, and MR. SANI.KK insists on the public 
patronising HENSLER'S. Mr. Punch quite agrees with ME. SANOER. 
SANDY is the best Ring-Clown he remembers. 

When Your Special; Pantomime Commissioner has been the 
rounds, he will report for the benefit of friend* at a distance, a:- 
speedily as possible. 

A DEAMATIC CONTBAST. 
LETTER I. The Past. 

London, January, 181'J. 

HONOURED SIR, 

WHEN you so kindly and obligingly gave me permission to 
visit this gay Metropolis, which is at once the wonder ana the admira- 
tion of the world, you requested me to write to yon to give yon my 
impressions of the play. I need scarcely tell you, my dear father, 
that your slightest wishes hove with me the force of the sternest 
commands, and that I have taken the liberty of writing you this 
letter in obedience to your affectionately expressed desires. 

I have iust returned from the play-house, and hasten to give you 
some slight account of the pantomime I have just witnessed. 

It is called Harlequin and Mother Goose, or the Golden Egg, and 
was originally played at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, by His 
Majesty's Servants, on the 29th of December 1806. It was written 
by MB. THOM \s DIBDIN, a gentleman who has since gained some 
fame as a writer of patriotic songs. I hear that at the time it was 
produced, some opposition was made to the introduction of vocal 
music an innovation, you will admit, as true pantomime should be 
performed in dumb show. However, in spite of this, the play has 
been very much admired by the Town, and has more than once en- 
joyed a run of nearly twenty nights. The first scene represents the 
Mansion of Squire Bugle (excellently played by MB. GRIMALDI) ad- 
joining to which is the cottage of Colin. The Squire, after expres- 
sing his delight that his first wife is dead, makes violent love to 
Collinette. He is about to marry her, in spite of Colin's efforts to 
rescue her, when Mother Goose appears. Then (I quote now the 
stage-directions I found in the play-book) " the Squire approaches 
his late wife's tomb, and strikes it with his whip. The tomp opens, 
and her Ghost appears (which Mother Goose has raised) clad in white 
satin and poppy ribbons, follows the Squire, shakes her hands at 
him, and disappears through a trap." This scene was most awe- 
inspiring, and you have my word of honour that the audience were 
nearly as much frightened as the wicked Squire himself. We were 
quite glad when the clouds descended, and showed us the Retreat of 
Mother Goose. The good woman sang a song with a chorus to it, 
and then presented Colin with the celebrated Goose. The next 
scene showed how Colin secured Collinette, by giving up the Golden 
Egg to the Squire. However, Colin having consented to the death 
of the sagacious bird, the Golden Egg was thrown into the sea as a 
punishment by Mother Goose, who quickly ; changed Colin, Collinette. 
the Squire and his servant into Harlequin, Columbine, Clown, and 
Pantaloon. By this time we had been presented with three scenes, 
and had listened to no less than thirty-seven different tunes. 

After this, whatjis called the " comic business " commenced, and 
we were highly diverted with the many amusing droleries of the 
transformed lovers and.their persecutors. The adyenturesTpf Colin 
and Collinette. as Harlequin and Columbine, carriedjthem'through 
thirteen wonderful scenes. Among the rest were St. Dunstan's 
Church, the Vauxhall Gardens, and the Pavilion by moonlight. At 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 2, 187; 




SPREAD OF POLITENESS DOWNWARDS. 

"SUGAR AND CREAM, SIR?" 



NEW-FASHIONED GHOSTS. 

COME, Superstition, wondrous Maid, 

No more in mouldy shroud arrayed, 

But, clad in drawing-room attire^ 

Witch us without thine old blue fire. 

Bid spirit-lights, instead, to dance 

Before us at a dark seance : 

For smell of sulphur, through our rooms 

Diffuse the choicest of perfumes. 

As Kiss-me-quick, and scents like those, 

That lead us sweetly by the nose. 

Instead of drawing round, the grate 
Ghost-stories merely to relate, 
Around the board we '11 form a ring, 
And ghosts themselves about us bring 
'Their presence to announce by taps, 
And spell us out their names with raps ; 
Nay, talk, beneath the ribs of Death, 
As though with voice of living breath, 
No longer heaving hollow groans, 
But chatting in familiar tones : 
For the weird wail of other days, 
Tipping us slang and current phrase ; 
Sometimes they will "materialise" 
Themselves to our admiring eyes. 
Shake hands, and e'en, by such as list, 
If ladies, let their lips be kissed, 
Have locks cut from their spirit-hair, 
And shreds from oif the robes they wear. 

What though through midnight air, 

astride 

Witches no longer broomsticks ride, 
Yet " mediums " still to ceilings rise ; 
Still gas, turned down, to inward eyes 
Reveals their airy " levitation," 
Wrought by no other incantation, 
Than that of the accordion's strains, 
Played out of tune, by spirit pains, 
And such mysterious psalmoding, 
As niggers at revivals sing. 

This, Superstition, is to what 
Thine ancient legends now have got, 
Less thrilling interest they inspire 
Than those once told round Christmas fire, 
But send no children to their beds, 
With horrors in their little heads ; 
Thus, if thou charm'st not, as of yore, 
Thou terrifiest babes no more. 



length (in the Last Scene) the Golden Egg was found, and the 
lovers were rendered happy, I hope, for ever. 

And now, my Dear Father, you have received a short account of 
the Pantomime of Mother Goose. 

Present my most respectful compliments to my beloved and 
revered Mother. 

I remain, with the utmost respect, honoured Sir, 

Your most obedient, grateful, and affectionate Son, 

THOMAS SMITH, JTTN. 

LETTER II. The Present. 

London, December, 187 
MY DEAR Guv., 

HEBE I am, up in Town as chirpy as possible. You want 
to know what the. Pantomime is like, en? 0! the usual sort of 
thing, you know. No end of Transformation Scenes and all that, 
and a regular A 1 Burlesque opening, chock full of puns, music- 
hall songs, and breakdowns. The ballets are awfully good no end 
good. By the way, it 's all right this year. You can let the Mater 
and the girls go, you know. They can take their time about it, as 
the thing will run a couple of hundred nights at the very least. I 
didn't wait for the two scenes in the af terpart, as it 's nothing but 
bosh, you know, after the Clown comes on. 

How 's yourself ? No more time. Love to everything and every- 
body. 

Your affectionate Son, 
TOMMY. 

Hardly any Difference. 

BETWIXT the POPE and BISMARCK, 
How small the difference is, mark : 
P. gives away indulgence plenary, 
B. gives way to indulgence spleenary. 



A WELL-BEHAVED WATERING-PLACE. 

THE Post quotes from the John Bull a satisfactory account of MB. 
DISRAELI, concluding with the statement that: 

" He is understood to have expressed himself highly pleased with Bourne- 
mouth from the quiet and unobtrusive manner he is enabled to walk on the 
beautiful cliffs, and enjoy the air which is assisting so much his recovery of 
health." 

Even the political opponents of our accomplished PREMIER would 
rejoice to learn that he is enabled to walk on the cliffs at Bourne- 
mouth in a quiet and unobtrusive manner, if they knew or supposed 
that heretofore he has generally been incapable of walking about 
without obtruding himself on public notice by noisy and boisterous 
behaviour. But surely MR. DISRAELI'S worst enemies have never 
charged him with deportment of that description ; and it needed not 
the air of Bournemouth to enable the author of Lothair to demean 
himself in the manner usual amongst the higher orders. The same 
unobtrusive manner as that in which he takes his constitutional, is, 
probably we are glad to believe, observed towards himself by the 
people who meet him in the course of it, and by the well-bred 
inhabitants of Bournemouth, generally. 



A Canzonet for Christmas Time. 
(By a Man of Sentiment.) 

SWEET MAUD, with eyes as black as sloe, 
When kissed beneath the mistletoe 

Deep blushes doth disclose : 
Were mine the joy her lips to touch, 
I wonder would she blush so much 

If kissed beneath the rose ? 



JANUARY 2, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




/s? 



GROSS NEGLECT OF DUTY. 

Sunday School Teacher. "WHAT DID YOUR GODFATHERS AND GODMOTHERS THBN TOR YOU ? " 
Suiiday School Dunce. "NOTHING AT ALL, Miss NEITHER THEN NOR BINC!" 



CHRISTMAS WAITS. 

LONDON waits to see poor old Temple Bar soon tumble down and stop the traffic to the 
City : whereupon, perhaps some steps may be taken to remove it. 

Paris waits to see the opening of her beautiful New Opera, if the singers will cease 
squabbling as to who should have the privilege of singing the first song in it. 

Berlin waits to see what will be the upshot of the judgment of Paris upon the Arnim 
Trial. 

PRINCB BISMARCK waits, defiant, with his hand upon his hilt, prepared for a fresh onslaught 
on the Ultramontane party. 

Gog and Magog wait with some anxiety to see what is to be done towards the talked-about 
enlargement of the Civic Corporation. 

Everybody waits, with not unnatural impatience, for the predicted Good Time Coming, 
when coals and oysters may become a trifle cheaper than they have been. 

THE LOEB CHAMBERLAIN waits to see whether the Managers will promptly carry out his 
wishes for the cleansing of the stage, and whether the hint which he has given will be 
taken at the Music-halls. 

Many a Christmas hamper waits a very long while on its way ere it can reach its 
destination. 

The " finest site in Europe " waits, with a natural desire, to see the end of the pepper-box 
and mustard-pot order of architecture, and the beginning of a new and really noble 
National Gallery. 

MR. GOBBLETON waits to see the Christmas turkeys disappear a little from the shops, ere, 
in his dread of toujours dindnn, he can dare to venture on accepting a dinner invitation. 

DOCTOR BOLUS waits, expectant, to be called in to prescribe for a few of his young friends, 
who may suffer from a surfeit of mincepies and plum-pudding. 

Many a British matron waits to hire a clever, civil, cleanly, capable, and conscientious 
cook ; and many a British husband wishes she may get one. 

Railway Shareholders in general wait with some anxiety to see what will result from the 
experiment of Second-class extinction. 

Finally Mr. Punch waits with pleasure on the universal world, with the best of Christmas 
presents, his new Almanack and Volume. 



POOR BISHOP COLENSO. 

IF the wide world yon search 

For a Son of the Church, 
To rub up his Ma's " raws " ' extento, 

To South Africa turn, 

And you '11 find that you burn 
When you come within shot of COLENSO. 

All that come in his way, 
Be they black, white, or grey, 

Must to him their attack or defence owe : 
From MACRORIE* to MOSES, 
Heaven keep him whose nose is 

Exposed within tweak of COLENSO ! 

Since the candid Zulus 

Taught him doctrinal views 
Which caused BISHOP QEET such offence, ! 

Hot water, I fear, 

Is the usual sphere 
Of activity, sought by COLENSO. 

Whether 'tis he likes hot 

Water rather than not, 
We know not: Fate frames certain men so : 

But, look where you will, 

At fisticuffs still 
You are sure to find BISHOP COLENSO. 

He gets in a line 

With GOVERNOR PINE 
About LANGIBALH.K, and, when so, 

Sure that Chief has been wronged, 

Straight, to see double-thonged 
Natal Justice, homo travels COLENSO. 

When to England he came 

An Episcopal flame 
Wheresoe'er he appeared kindled then so, 

It poured out a fire 

Of most orthodox ire 
Betwixt pulpits correct and COLENSO. 

Some Broad Bishops might try 

To oppose Low and High, 
Some Broad Deans, to free-thinking pro- 
pense, ! 

Who their pulpits would ope 

To High Lama or Pope, 
Might offer a chair to COLENSO. 

'Twixt this pulpit and that, 

Like a clerical oat, 
Between Church flesh and fowl in suspenso, 

High-glorified, gibbeted, 

Invited, inhibited, 
Flits, in bkck and white, BISHOP COLENSO ! 

For a Bishop he it, 

Whate'er danders be riz, 
Whate'er heresies awful his pen sow, 

Though he calls a spade spade, 

And makes LINCOLN afraid. 
By plain-spokenness d la COLENSO. 

Still hot-water 's his fun- 
Made or found, 'tis all one 

He hates luke-warm pleadings and men so 
Deans and Rectors must suffer 
Who try to act buffer 

'Twixt an orthodox bench and COLENSO ! 

What can Punch wish but luok 

To such straightforward pluck, 
Though it may mislead now and again so 

Would such bottom and bone 

Were oftener shown, 
As are shown, right or wrong, by COLENSO. 

The orthodox and opposition-bishop of Natal. 



MOTTO FOK THE MIDLAND RAIL-WAV. 
Nutti Secundui." Second-Class for Xo- 
body. 



10 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 2, 1875. 







"FIVE O'CLOCK TEA." 

Lady (to Relative from Australia). "WiLL YOU TAKE ANY REFRESHMENT, COUSIN GEORGE?" 



George. "THANKS, BELLA. DON'T MIND 

WHILE YOU MAKE ME A DAMPER! 



IF I DO. GIVE us A HANDFUL o' TEA AND A BILLY o' WATER, AND I'LL BOIL IT, 



LAMBETH CHRISTMAS PUDDING. 

AT this festive season, even Workhouse boards groan to the 
unwonted tune of 

" the roast beef of Old England, 
And the Old English Plum-pudding ! " 

But the Lambeth Guardians are determined that the paupers shall 
have no spice but the highly tonic one of pauperism in their Christ- 
mas pudding this year. On the ingredients of the Workhouse 
pudding being laid before the Guardians, one of the Board (if the 
Reader insists upon his name, "chiefly that he may set it in his 
prayers," let us say MR. SKINFLINT) took exception to the unbecom- 
ing richness of that festive dish. 

The list of ingredients, he pointed out, involved too much of some 
good things, which may be (granted to be indispensable even to a 
workhouse pudding in becomingly limited quantities as flour, suet, 
raisins, and baking-powder. Other good things were there as cin- 
namon, cloves, allspice, and citron whose presence in a workhouse 
pudding, he maintained, was altogether an intrusion and an imper- 
tinence. 

The majority of the Board agreed with this stern Censor of even 
festal workhouse fare, and so the Lambeth Christmas pudding this 
year will be minus not only those statelier and spicier condiments 
mentioned above, but even its tale we had almost written " stale " 
of eggs will be reduced from five hundred to two hundred. 
' So " as DANTE says in his picture of another Inferno 
" So it is willed, where will is law." 

We can only regret that, as all good deeds should meet their 
deserts, the Lambeth paupers are not allowed to convert the balance 
of unused eggs into a testimonial to MR. SKINFLINT and the Guar- 
dians who voted with him after they have been kept a week longer. 



MOTTO FOE A MANAGES." Cceiera decent." 



LORD HERTFORD'S TJKASE. 
(And Success to It.) 

SINCE breeches-parts to such (short) lengths have gone, 
( tuoth my LOKD HERTFORD, I intend to floor 'em ; 

Know that in future I '11 allow of none 
Save breeches not of "in," but of de-corum. 

I "11 have no raw joints shown in the stage-shop 
That is, when 1 say " raw " " undressed " is my sense : 

Their licence if the Managers don't stop. 
They '11 find that I '11 stop my LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S licence. 

Nudity, in each stage, from stark I ban : 
The ballet-girls shall dress, undress they shan't : 

And for the dance K>n"Managers' " can-can," 
I '11 come down with LORD CHAITBEKLAIN'S " can't, can't." 

Once more upon the stage I 'd kindle mind, 

Put out, of late, by brainless impropriety ; 
And in this Civil Service hope to find 

The public my Co-operative Society. 



A Seal Blessing to Fathers. 

A SERIAL on sale at the Railway Bookstalls bears on its front page 
the following announcement : 

" Little Folks Enlarged without Increase of Expense." 

If this could actually be accomplished, what a blessing it would 
be for Paterfamilias, particularly at the present festive season of 
eating and drinking and growing bills for growing children. 



Two RATES DISLIKED BY DISSENTERS. Pew-rates and Cu-rates. 



Printed by Joeph Smith, of No. X, Loraine Road, Holloway, in the Parish of St. Mary. Minion, in the County of Mlddlewx. at the Printing Offices of Messrs. liradbury, Asnew, ft Co.. Lombard 
Street, m th Precinct of WhltefriarB, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 80, TV 



, Fleet Street, in the Parish of 8t. Hridf, City of London. SAIVRDIT, January 2, 1875. 



JANUABY 9, lh75.J 



PUNCH, oil TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. 



11 




OVER-WORKED. 

Cousin Kate. "ARK YOU COMING TO SKATE WITH us TO-MOUROW, FRED?" 
Fred. "WELL, I DON'T KNOW. AWFULLY BUSY JUST NOW. HAVE TO BE AT 

THK OFFICE ABOUT ONE THEN THEKE '8 LVNCIIEON AT TWO, AND DON'r OBT 
AWAY TILL PAST THREE." 



THE SONG OF AMIENS: A CHRISTMAS 

VERSION. 
(As ll'v Like It.) 

UxiiKtt the warm roof-tree 

Who loves to sit with me, 

And list while l!i anty's throat 

Mocks the piano's note '( 
Come hither, come hither, cuine hither : 

Frost shall he see 

No enemy 
To fun both friends together. 

Who would chill weather slum, 
When log veils white i 
And from the freezing storm, 
Take flight to quarters warm, 

Come hither, come hither, come hither: 
What though i' the sky 
Venus let fly 

Adown her doves' white feather ? 

Who loves the coals to stir, 
And raise thermometer, 
Make roaring oak-logs glow, 
Ri d curtains draw on snow 
Come hither, come hither, conic hithtr : 
With warmth, chat, and cheer, 
Warm the new year- 
Till who cares for cold weather ! 



A (Brazil) Nut to Crack. 

OUR imports from abroad are likely to receive a con- 
siderable addition, although it may not appear in the 
returns of the Board of Trade or affect the CHANCELLOR 
OF THE EXCHEQUER'S surplus. The following telegram 
has been received from Pernambuco : 

" The Jesuits who have been banished will proceed to England 
by the Neva to-morrow." 

What an interesting cargo to be landed on our shores I 
Happy England ! the asylum and refuge of the exile 
and outcast soon, perhaps, to claim the choice distinc- 
tion of being the only country in Europe where euch 
maligned innocents as Jesuit priests can pursue their 
calling, without opposition, interruption, or interference. 
The new year is indeed opening well for us! 



WHAT IT MUST COME TO; 

Or, The Railway Report for 1870. 



Department, St. Saviour's. 

SlB, December 31st, 1870. 

ACCORDING to tho orders of the Commissioners of Police, I 
have the honour to submit my Annual Report upon the Railways of 
Great Britain and Ireland. 1 am glad to state that the putting into 
force of the regulations sanctioned by Parliament in 1873 has been 
followed by the most satisfactory results. 

Accidents. Only one fatal collision has occurred during the past 
year. The Directors and Managers of the Railway upon which the 
accident happened escaped with a very mild sentence penal servi- 
tude for life. It is necessary, however, that I should explain that 
at the trial a plea of extenuating circumstances was successfully 
maintained. The Judge, in passing sentence, after congratulating 
the prisoners upon their escape from a verdict entailing a far more 
serious punishment, carefully pointed out that the finding of the 
Jury in this particular case must not be taken as a precedent by the 
other Directors of Railways. His Lordship insisted that the respon- 
sibility of conducting a Railway Company rested with those into 
whose hands the State had placed the supreme authority. Since 
the passing of the new Act the law could no longer tolerate criminal 
carelessness and neglect. 

Rtiiht-di/ Punctuality. Now that Station-masters, Kngine- 
drivers, and Guards have become liable to six months' hard labour 
tor starting trains more than two minutes behind the time adver- 
tii-rd tor their departure, the trains have been despatched with the 
utmost regularity. The law has only been put in force twice during 
the vast. year. In each case the full penalty was inflicted. 

'an, us. The new plan of making Director! travel in every 
compartment of an excursion train is working admirably. The 
Guards are now quite willing to remove any persons who maybe 
pointed out to them as reasonably objectionable to his fellow- travellers. 



G 

pay 



i', mils Traffic. Since the Railway Companies have been forced to 

full compensation for any delay in the conveyance of coal, the 
trade and the Public generally have had little cause for complaint. 
The serious block that occurred at Sheffield in December, 1874, is 
not likely to recur under the new system. 

Cicility of Officials. Three Booking-clerks, during the past year, 
have been convicted of insolence to travellers. As these were the 
first cases under the new Act, the prisoners were only sentenced to 
two months' imprisonment. 

JRffrethmtntt. The compulsory introduction of the Continental 
Buffet system has given great satisfaction to the Public. Tho 
passenger traffic has been greatly increased by the alteration. 

Railway Guide. Since an official guide has been published under 
the editorship of the Chief Clerk at Bow Street Police Court (who is 
also Editor of the Police Gazette}, passengers have found no diffi- 
culty in ascertaining the proper times for the arrivals and departures 
of town and country trains. 

I have to add that all the recent improvements (insisted upon by 
Parliament) have been introduced, and are now in full working 
order. 

The Act limiting the hours of labour of Railway Employes has 
not once been infringed during the past year. 

In conclusion I have the honour to report that the new system of 
Police Patrolling both by day and by night ha been strictly en- 
forced, and has been found to have the desired effect of keeping all 
the Railway Officials in good order and thoroughly on the alert. 
I have the honour to he, Sir, 

Your most humble obedient Servant, 

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL op RAILWAYS. 

To the Right Hon. the President of the Board of Trade. 



TUB RAILWAY ALTERNATIVE. Continuous Breaks or Continual 
Smashes. 



12 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 9, 1875. 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 




ADYBIHD, Ladybird, fly from your home ; 

Whatever its duties, your right is to roam : 

What's the day's work of wife 

To enjoyment of life ? 

Ties that humdrum folks bind, 

To a woman of mind ? 

Leave your children to servants an excellent plan 
And your husband to make himself snug as he can ; 
If you 're rich, leave your soul to the guidance of Rome 
But of all things, Ladybird, lly from your home ! 

n. 

THERE was a little Maid, and there was a little Man, 
And to that little maiden that little spoon began, 
" Little Maid, I 'm twenty-three, 
Not bad looking as you see 
May I dare hope your accepted, Miss, to be, be, be ! ' 

Ualher bored, that little Maid aside her volume laid, 
Aud with this startling query that little Man distnaye d : 
" Question is, do you know Dutch ? " 
" Well," he answered, "no not much." 
" Then," she said, "my heart how can you think to touch, 
touch, touch ? " 

Amazed, that little Man readdressed that little Maid : 
" Do you mean that hearts in Dutch must at ladies' feet be 
laid?'' 



" ! " she answered, very glum, 
" If not polyglot, be dumb 



Dutch, with French, Italian, German, is my mini-mum, 



mum: 



m. 



1 WHEBE are you going, my pretty Maid ? " 
' I 'm going to be lectured to, Sir, she said. 

' May I go with you, my pretty Maid ? " 

' I don't think my Lecture would please you," ahe said. 

' What is its subject then, my pretty Maid ? ' 
' Painless extinction of male kind," she said. 

' There '11 be no one to marry you, my pretty Maid ! " 
' Advanced girls don't want husbands, Sir," she said. 



SCIENCE FOE SWAINS. 

WHO is there that would like to give twenty-five thousand words 
for twenty-iive guineas ? That sum is offered by DR. LOET MARSH, 
10, Adelphi Terrace, Strand, to the successful competitor for a Prize 
Essay on "Rural Sanitary Science," limited to that number of 
words, and written in English. " Hard technicalities are to be 
avoided as much as possible by the competing Essayists." Let them 
try all they can then to write in words of one and two syllables, 
suitable to the rural intelligence, to which DR. MAHSH, who is to 
possess the successful Essay, will perhaps take measures to adapt it 
further by getting it rendered into the various rural dialects, for the 
benefit of the rustics. A treatise on Rural Sanitary Science, thus 
translated, might, for one particular instance, contain some such 
directions as these : 

The vittest pleace vor thy pigsty is close outzide thy baek-dooer. 

11 thee wants thy drinkun-water to be clane and swate, thee 
to thy old well close alongzide o" thy zesspool. Don't thee 
gooandzink ne'er another vurder off, onless 'tis where thy hoss- 
Pond. or thy neabour's thereabouts is sure to draain into't. ' 

That there 's the only sart o' draainidge thee want'st, besides the 
draaimdge of a jug o' beer. Nateral draainidge ; that 's draainidge 
enough lor thee layun out money on layun down pipes is like 
vlmgun on t into the gutter. Keep that there open under thy nose 
trap zmks, lack stinks, and catch tyvus or scarlut vever. Our 
yorefeeathers always held stenches wus wholesum. Zo they be. 
Ihe moor muck the better luck; never thee move thy manoover- 
neap out o sniff vrom thy winders for nobody. 

The smaller a house in propotion to a vamaly, the better. There's 
never no danger of overcrowdun cottidges of industerous labourers. 
Consider the bees in a hive, and the emmuts in a anthill you knows 
we be to take pattern vrom they for to live like Christians. Keep 
1 doores and winders shut close to day and night ; stop out all 
raatts and doan t never allow no ventilaaishun, which is what 
causes colds and rheumatiz. Spare soap and water all thee can'st 
lor the same razon ; dirt is warm, damp is danger of ao-uey, scrub - 
bun and tubbun chills and kills ; doan't thee wash thy vloors no 
moor than thee canst help : nor thyzelf nuther. If the Inspector o' 
Nuisances ever gies thee a call, and talks about onclanenuss and 
that, thee take 'un inside thy pigsty and show 'n thy hogs, and 



tell 'n to look how fat and well they be, and try and prove to 'n wot 
stupidnuss 'tis to be daainty, and how wise and sensable and consi- 
derut o' the Local Government Boord to furbear from worryun folks 
by pokan their noses into every hole and earner o' their premises to 
.smell out offences, as they 'ood do if so be as they was to excercise all 
the powers they be 'vested wi' by Act o' Parliamunt to be trubble- 
some." 

So much by way of modest suggestion to those whom it may con- 
cern. For further particulars respecting the terms of competition 
for the Prize Essay on Rural Sanitary Science, proposed oy DR. 
MARSH, persons desirous of gaining it are recommended to_ procure 
his prospectus containing a plenary specification of the various sub- 
jects whose discussion they are invited to exhaust in twenty-five 
thousand words of sanitary wisdom, the most exhaustive of which 
will fetch their author a guinea a thousand. Detur digniori. 



WASTE OF POWER. 

A COMPANT is in course of formation for utilising the Discount 
which retail tradesmen are willing to allow, but which the Public do 
not always demand. The idea is ingenious, and we only wonder that 
the promoters have not carried their principle further. How happy 
would the world be if Force were husbanded with the same care as 
money ? What a lamentable loss of motive power occurs in taking 
a walk! Surely our scientific men might devise an apparatus by 
which Paterfamilias, while indulging in a constitutional, might 
grind the family coffee, churn the family butter, and chop up the 
family sausages. Nay, we do not despair of soon seeing some simple 
apparatus, say for shelling peas, which attached to the shoulders of 
High Church young ladies, and performing its work at the rate of a 
pod a genuflection, would afford such a proof of their fervid piety 
as even the worldling could appreciate. 



THE HEIGHT OF DISCOMFORT. To make a call this weather, and 
to meet with a freezing reception. 



THE LONDON TRIUMVIRATE. HOGO, Gog, and Magog. 



JANUARY 9, li-75.] 



IM'NVIf, ()!{ THK 



CIIAKIVAIM. 



13 



"THINGS A LADY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW." 

(A book has been published itndi r this til/-'. Mr. Pnnrh In is his ,,,rn 
ideas on tin snhjeet, mid in modest rirnlry of Mil. Souilli; \ 1 1 .'s 
la* *k presents than to his readers i.e. the World.) 

BEFORE MARRIAI.I . 

IIKTHEB she will look well 
at t,he I!:ill. 

Whether she will lie 
able to talk to a friend in 
l>ink without killing her 
own dress by the contrast. 
Whether CIIAEI.KS will 
In- there. 

Whether she shall be 
able to refuse that silly 
young man, MR. Mni- 
ixiiTox, " the next 
square," without telling 
a fib. 

Whether he will see (as 
he is leaving her) that 
her card is not quite 
full." 

Whether CHAELES will 
ask her to dance more 
than twice. 

Whether Mamma will 
be angry with her if he 
does. 

Whether soup is a good 
thine; to take at supper. 

Whether one glass of 
champugne could do one any harm. 

Whether it will not be as well to sit out one or two " squares" with 
CMAULKS during the evening. 

Whether, as CIIAHLF.S suggests, it will not he much cooler in the 
conservatory. 
Whether, if they go, Mamma is likely to follow them. 

AFTEB MAERIAGE. 

How to cook like the Chef&t CHARLES'S Club. 

How to dress becomingly and economically. 

How to conquer her aversion to tobacco-smoke. 

How not to sacrifice the furniture without obliging CHARLEY to 
sacrifice his cigars. 

How to take an interest in Law, Medicine, or Metaphysics, when 
these serious subjects are discussed at or after dinner. 

How to welcome CHARLES'S friends in such a manner that they 
may consider her "the best little woman in the world." 

How to make her husband prefer his own home to his Club. 

How to bring up her children that they may be ornaments within 
and without the home circle. 

How to be healthy, wealthy, and wise, pretty, amiable, and clever. 

In a word, how to make her children good, ner home comfortable, 
and her husband happy. 

(Ha ! ha ! Don't you wish you may get her !) 




BROAD BRIMS AND BROAD GRINS. 

" FRIENDS " of my childhood ! Friends of the Broad brim, grey 
dress, and gaiters, and dove-coloured shovel-bonnet, where are ye 
now r what a day ve have been having at Liverpool. Behold, 
AMDUDAB SLEEK, this programme : 

"FRIENDS' INSTITUTE, ISLINGTON, LIVERPOOL. 
Soirfe, in aid of the Funds of the Institute, December 21, 1874." 

A worthy object, dear Friends, doubtless: and what was the 
Soiree ? It commenced with a prologue and a recitation. Thou 
seest we are gradually stealing up towards something out of the 
common. And so next was a " Scene from the Christmas Carol," 
with a Dramatis Persona of Old Scrooge, his Nephew, a benevolent 
Old Man, a Ghost, Sob Cratchit, and the boy with the turkey. 
Not bad that, Society of Friends, for a beginning. Then came 
two more recitations, and then " A Scene in Three Acts," a trifle 
undramatic this description, but our dear Friends are making their 
first attempt, "taken from SHAKSFEARE'S King Henry the Fourth." 

Then we have the Dramatis Persona, with a description of each 
character, thus 

"HENRY PRINCE OF WALES, a facetious young Prince, a very 
flower ofchiralri/, inclined to the gayest side of life. 
SIB JOHN FALSTAFF, a corpulent, witty gentleman," 



The good Friend who penned this playbill evidently supposed that 
his audience would never discover Fautaff't mental and physical 
peculiarities from his stage representative, who perhaps had taken 
an entirely different view of the part, and was going to exhibit him 
as a thin, staid, stupid fellow, or, perhaps, out of compliment, as a 
" Friend." 

After describing Point as " inclined to practical joking," fliirtW/ih, 
and the rest, we have another recitation, this time of " The Hells," by 
the poet POK (there was enough fur their money), and then camo 
what is set forth in the programme (evidently by the same hand 
that did the Fulatnj) above) as a "Comic Farce," entitled 

"THE CALIPH'S REVENGE; 
Or, the Result if Insulting the Sultun of Sultry Samarrnntl." 

Let our burlesque 1 punsters tremble. The (luakers are coining; 
they have broke out into jokes and plays on words. Then t IK- names 
of the characters " Kuley Poky, Caliph ; Rumpunntr, his Grand 
Vizier, a cool shaver, as sharp as a raxor," &c., Muttapha St-hni-iili-r, 
"Court Cobbler, who makes shoes and slippers to boot," (ha! ha! 
ha !), " and who puts the Caliph in a wax" ha ! ha ! ha ! wax ! 
a genuine side-splitter. And so on. LORD HERTFORD'S rule does 
not extend to Liverpool, but should the Friends open a Theatrical 
Meeting-house in London, let the Licenser get his opera-glasses and 
measuring tape ready. Shade of PENN ! why, thy very name will 
be a chance for the burlesque wit of one of thine own beloved people. 
Let the Shakers join their force : a play by Quakers, with a ballet 
by Shakers. ME. HOLLINGSHEAI>, Sir, thou art inclined towards 
novelty, yea, and verily herein is thy chance. 

Of course their "tag" after all this was, " And if our ' Friends ' 
in front are but satisfied," &e., &c. 

No dancing is mentioned, but in the "Comic Farce" it is not 
altogether improbable that the " Dancing Quakers " appeared. If 
not, then verily a serious French dance (whose name we never men- 
tion now) will be the next novelty at the Institute, Islington, 
Liverpool. 

WINTER MARKETS. 

(January, 1873. Thermometer at ll'l.) 

LIXSF.ED continues in request. 

Mustard showing marked improvement. 

Tallow up again. On the spot 45. 6J. 

For Cloves, Nutmeg, and Spice, Sugar, and Lemons, a good 
demand prevails. 

Some considerable stir in Arrowroot. 

Cambric Handkerchiefs are steadily maintained up to noses, and 
firmly held to. Silky wrappers firm all round. 

Evening Party Market. Small supplies during the past week. 
Spinners refuse to book in advance. 

Theatrical Market. Nothing new to report : orders being placed 
with extreme caution. Some depression at first, but in Pantomimes 
subsequently there was a rally. 

Serpentine. Ice quoted firm. Applications at the Bank have 
been numerous. Securities with chairs and life-buoys. But several 
important changes took place during the day, and the positions of 
parties were soon seen to be reversed. Prices are quoted Bank 
Stock Skates for money 1*. Gd. per hour. 



New Soporific. 

"Few people are aware what an excellent substitute for paucity of blankets 
can be contrived from a selection of our daily contemporaries." Graphic. 

CAN the Graphic mean to imply that to be wrapped up in a selec- 
tion of its daily contemporaries is a sure way 01 sending a man to 
sleep ? 

sons SHAKSPEBIANA FOB GERMAN CLTRAMONTAN'KS. 

" Not that I loved CAESAR less, but that I love Rome more." 

Julius Oetar, Act Ui. t. 2. 



EPrrAJPHIUM. 

Larms-Lapis 
Fletus Papis. 



THF- MOST SOITAJILE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAB'S GAME. That 
which is sent to the Hospitals. 



THE CROWNING EVENT OF 1874. GENERAL CAMPOS'S Pronuncia- 

miento. 



H 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 9, 1875. 




HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS. 

Mistress of the Bouse. "I'vB SOME IMPORTANT LETTERS I WANT TAKKN TO THE POST, PROGMORE. HAVE YOU FINISHED DINNER 

DOWNSTAIRS YET?" Sutler. " NOT YKT, MUM ; THK 'ONGTRAYs' IS JUST A OOIN 1 IN." 



" LET IT FREEZE ! " 

SOFT falls the snow in silent flakes. 
The ice grows thick on ponds and lakes, 

But Mr. Punch, at ease, 
Surveys this wintry state of things, 
And Nature treats like other kings, 

Observing, " Let it freeze ! " 

Thermometer at twenty-six, 

Jack Frost is free to plav his tricks 

The snob loves low degrees. 
But sunny wit, that gives no pain, 
Keeps constant summer in the brain, 

So Punch says, " Let it freeze ! " 
Yes, let it freeze, so long as they 
Whose wealth denes the wintry day, 

The pinch of poor-tith ease : 
If, like Gulf-stream, from hall to cot 
There flows what keeps the labourer hot, 

By all means, " Let it freeze ! " 

Good neighbourhood strikes bonds throughout 
Strata, far-cleft, of lord and lout ; 

A happy land one sees, 
When he who takes, and he who gives, 
Alike for proof in practice lives, 

That Love can never freeze. 



A Bankrupt Adage. 

THE List of Proverbs has lost one of its oldest and best-known 
members. We are told in the Times that in 1872 "- -* 



' many cargoes of 

Jielgian coal were shipped to England, even to Newcastle itself." 
Aftt-r this, " carrying coals to Newcastle" becomes an ordinary 
mercantile transaction. 



COLLAR'D HEAD. 

" The Bleu Pullic says it is rumnured that MARSHAL MAcM.uios will 
have two of the fire collars of the Golden Fleece now at MARSHAL SI:IIKAXO'S 
disposal." 

IT is an interesting speculation to conjecture what the lucky 
Marshal will do with his two collars when he gets them. No 
K.G. was ever beheld with Garters on both legs, and, similarly, the 
idea of a Knight of the Golden Fleece with two fleeces over his 
shoulders, even in the severest weather, is beyond any man's com- 
prehension. Perhaps the Marshal will wear his two collars turn 
and turn about, or one in the morning and the other in the evening, 
or reserve the second for high days and holidays ; or, perhaps, the 
simplest solution of the problem is, that one collar is intended f.>r 
the Marshal, the other for the President. If this does not clear up 
the difficulty, will some Member of the Right Centre, or the Lett 
Centre, or the Centre Centre, interpellate the Ministry on the 
subject ? 

Bacchus and Ceres. 

A NICE analogy is suggested by a contemporary's announcement 
of 

" UNFERMENTED WINE. The Scotsman states that the British League of 
Abstainers have presented to each Presbyterian minister of Edinburgh, for the 
use of himself and Kirk Session, a bottle of MR. i'liANKE WRIGHT'S uufur- 
mented wine." 

The parallel, surely, to unfermented wine would be unleavened 
bread, and, if the bread were unbaked as well, it would match 
completely. The one bottle of unfermented wine presented to each 
Minister for the use of himself and Kirk Session will probably prove 
a great deal more than they can manage, if Punch knows aught of 
the mysteries of the human interior. 



STOMACH AND LIVEE PILLS. Digestive Organ Grinders. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 9, 1875. 



TIME 



a, 




TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF! 



(LET'S HOPE HE MAY.) 



JANUARY 9, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



17 






NICE ICE-SPORTS. 

(From Itouyh's Guide to Winter Gurnet.) 

us Miiaic Snow- 
ball. Take a good- 
sized stone, and 
bind firmly round 
it several hand- 
fulls of dirty snow, 
until the mass as- 
sumes the appear- 
; ance of a irn/i/n 
cannon-ball. Now 
approach an elder- 
ly gentleman, and 
throw the ball with 
all the force at your 
command at his 
head. The game is 
to run away as hard 
as you can the mo- 
ment your shot has 
taken effect. 

The Mirth-pro- 
voking pavement. 
Make a slide in 
front of a boarding- 
house in a quiet 
square just as the 
lamps are being 
lighted. Now re- 
tire, and watch the passengers as they trip up and come down upon 
your carefully prepared slide. Should an old lady in falling contrive 
to break a limb, disappear quickly into an adjacent street. 

The Quaint Promenade. Obtain a halfpenny (one from anybody's 
pocket will do nicely), and selecting a rotten piece of ice, throw the 
coin on the thinly coated water in the presence of a crowd of small 
boys. Some starving youngster will at once venture on to the ice 
and disappear. Shout, merrily, and retire with the greatest possible 
rapidity. 

The Disappointed Muffs. Choose a piece of ice marked 
"Dangerous, and raise a shout of "Man in! help! help!" A 
crowd will at once rush to the spot to engage in a fruitless attempt 
to save an imaginary victim. Make yourself scarce (on the bank) 
as the ice breaks under the footsteps of the running multitude. 

The Perfect Cure (suggested by Mr. Punch as a wholesome addition 
to this list). Take a player in any of the above amusing sports, and 
carry him before a Magistrate armed with the necessary powers. 
After this has been done, let him be removed to Newgate. Now 
severely flog him with a cat-o'-nine-tails, until the surgeon in at- 
tendance orders the game to be discontinued. 




SIB, 



OUU PANTOMIME COMMISSION. 



YOUR Special Pantomime Commissioner, accompanied by five 
assistant Critics, whose united ages amounted to fifty-three, and 
their prices (for every Critic has his price) to one pound five, exclu- 
sive of cabs and dinner : for, as in DR. JOHNSON'S Rambler days, so 
now, a Journalistic Critic requires more sops than Cerberus to pre- 
vent his growling and snarling at your heels. However, although 
I had no interest in the Author or the Manager, I thought I would 
do them both (at Covent Garden they are two single gentlemen 
rolled into one) a kind seasonable turn, and bribe these dangerous 
Critics, who might otherwise have been nasty, with a box of 
costume-crackers, several pounds of sweeties, some delicious choco- 
late drops with cream artfully secreted within (oh !). and several 
other nicey-nicies, which, had they been older, would have induced 
them to pronounce the Pantomime "the most graceful," "the most 
poetic," or even "the daintiest conceit that had ever emanated from 
the brain of our most fanciful conceptists." Fortunately for the 
Manager and Author that night was Boxing Xight, and my Juvenile 
Critics were delighted with everything except the Ghost Scene, 
which they did not consider in the least funny (and I quite agreed 
with them). 

Not but that, if the eldest PAYNE and his son had had the arranging 
of the Great Bed of Ware Scene, it would probably have been very 
different. The Covent Garden Pantomime nas a very busy and de- 
cidedly funny Kitchen Scene. Also there is a Baronial Hall, where the 
Mummers have a procession, and where permutations and combina- 
tions of children in various colours form a series of effective pictures. 

My Critics here expressed their sincere admiration of the tout 
ensemble ; and for the Covent Garden scenery, from first to last, 
Your Commissioner can only say to the artist : " Brayvo, HICKS ! " 



But the cold ! How can anyone enjoy a pantomime when com- 
pelled as we were, every one of us, to keep on our overcoats and 
mufllers, and first to implore the box-keeper to keep a recalcitrant 
door shut, then to threaten him, and finally to keep one's gibus in 
one's hand, ready to shoot it out and be tiled, close as a Masonic 
Lodge, on the incursion of every fresh cold stranger. Then 
cruel mockery a refreshment person came to offer us ices ! lees ! ! 
Heavens ! 1* oot- warmers and rugs, if yon please, and stoves all 
over the place. 

Lavish of tips as is Your Pantomime Commissioner at this time of 
year, and ever ready to bestow fees on worthy box-keepers, yet he 
din-a want to know why sixpence is charged at Covent Garden for 
each one of Mit. KIM.MKL'S programmes, which at other theatres can 
be had gratis '( Your CommiHsioner had asked for three programmes, 
and was giving the civil functionary a shilling for himself when 
that excellent person informed your P. C. that the three programmes 
amounted to eighteen pence. With wonderful presence of mind 
your undaunted Commissioner politely handed back a programme, 
retained two, and begged the official to keep the shilling and take 
the will for the deed. He seemed much pleased on being asked 
for the loan of an opera-glass, but the next instant became depressed 
on being informed by an assistant official that "they hadn't as yet 
been supplied with opera-glasses." Your Commissioner bowed, and 
seated himself. 

During the Transformation Scene Your P. C. made a note: 
"Were I the Licenser, I would abolish the exhibition of girls 
suspended by wires." 

If for a scenic effect or two and one good comic scene you go to 
Covent Garden, for some genuine fun and for a cleverly sung, 
though thorough Music-hall, ditty, Your Pantomime Commissioner 
advises strongly advises a visit to the Princess's. The story is 
that of Beauty and the Beast. Miss KATE VAUQHAN plays Benufi/ ; 
MR. GEORGE BELUORE plays the old merchant, her father. With 
the exception of Miss LYDIA THOMPSON, Your Commissioner may 
honestly say that it is long since he has seen so graceful yet, at 
times, so artistically broad a burlesque performance as that of Miss 
KATE VAUGHAN'S in_ the little she has to do as Beauty. Her first 
and foremost merit is that she brings out her lines distinctly and 
intelligently : whatever points she has to make, she makes, and does 
more than justice to the doggerel of the " BROTHERS GRIN." 
Secondly, she actually knows how to sing a comic song, and is not 
afraid of "going in for it" with_cfttc as irresistible as was 
SCHNEIDER'S in Boulotle, and a mimicry of the London gamin't 
tone and style which electrifies the audience by its audacity, 
yet delights the most fastidious by the utter absence of vulgarity. 
You feel that for the moment she is assuming and ridiculing the 
vulgarity which is no part of her real self. Mind, she has three 
songs, and of the other two it would be most difficult for her or 
anybody else to make anything. 

Then MR. BELMORE shows us what a clever actor can do in ultra- 
burlesque. His business is immensely funny. Given a good short, 
funny, eccentric piece, with catching music, played by such artists 
as Miss THOMPSON, Miss VAUOHAN, MR. LIONEL BROUOH, MR. 
GEORGE BELMORE, and two or three others whom it would not be 
very difficult to mention, and whether it were called OpSra-Bouffe, 
or a Bouffimnerie, or a Burlesque, it would be as successful as 
were those famous pieces which old f ogeydom now looks back upon as 
among the glories of the past. The mistake has been for managers 
to follow managers, like sheep through a gap, instead of allowing 
two or three small theatres, with small stages, to stick to burlesque 
as a speciality. The Libcrte des Theatres is, in some respects, one 
of the causes of the present unsatisfactory state of the drama. 

To return to Pantomime. MR. CHATTERTON, I suppose, takes the 
first West End prize this year, with Drury Lane and the YOKES' 
Derby winners first ; then the Princess's a good second. I don't 
think the YOKES' legs are lowered since last year ; nor have I as yet 
noticed any alteration in the length of pantomime costumes. Your 
Commissioner watched the fairies closely, specially the ballet, and 
feels bound to remark that if we could fearlessly take our children 
to see the Christmas spectacles any time these last ten years, so can 
we now. 

At the Princess's we came in for the latter part of Lost in London. 
It is a pathetic melodrama, and the audience was deeply inte- 
rested ; but the audience had a cold. The most touching situation 
in the Last Act, where dying Nelly (Miss FOOTE) implores 
her injured husband, Job Armroyd (MR. S. EMERY), to forgive her, 
was listened to by the audience with rapt attention, in spite of 
half stifled coughs, coughs that wouldn't be stifled, violent sneezes, 
and hysterically used pockethandkerchiefs. Thus : 

Nelly (on her knees, appealing!;/). 0, JOB I JOB, say you forgive 
me 

Audience. Artichoo Swsh Artichoo Swsh ! 

Job (finishing his sentence ichich he has been speaking (luring the 

above) and think no more nowt of me. (1'his is Lancashire dialect, 

inn! Jir turns away much affected.) 

Kelly (in an agony of stipplicatwn). You would not 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 9, 1875. 




AN ENTHUSIASTIC DISCIPLE. 

OUR ARTIST HAS BECOME A THOKOUGH CONVERT TO THE VIEWS UK. KAW- 

LIK8ON HA8 SO ELOQUENTLY EXPOUNDED IN THE TlilSS. ON THE ROOF OF HIS 

HOUSE. WELL WRAPPED UP IN A WATERPROOF ULSTER, WITH HIS BACK AGAINST 
THK KITCHEN CHIMMEY-STACK, AND HIS FEET COMFORTABLY PACKED IN A 
" CIVIL SERVICE SUPPLY" HAMPER, HE EVOLVES A TROPICAL LANDSCAPE OUT 
OF THE DEPTHS OF HIS INNER CONSCIOUSNESS, AND HAS NEVER FELT SO HAPPY 
IN HIS LIFE. 



SUMMER AND WINTER. 

How curiously our fancies vary 

Betwixt July and January ! 

In Summer, little lady mine, 

I twined your hair with eglantine, 

In Winter, as, of course, you know, 

Nought so becomes as mistletoe. 

In Winter Cupid's favourite shop is _ 

The drawing-room, and not the coppice : 

Your slippered foot adorns the carpet, 

Each eye is like an azure star, pet, 

And the white hand that pours the Hyson, 

By Aphrodite ! 'tis a nice 'un. 

Forgetting Summer's golden splendour, 

Leva sit with feet upon the fender : 

Let 's put the skylark on his mettle, 

With singing of our silver kettle, 

Laugh at the follies of this clever age, 

And brew our Punch all-year-round beverage ! 



ADVICE FOR THE NEW YEAR. 

To Hie Clerk of the Weather. Thaw. 

To all the Theatres. Draw. 

To Stockbrokers. Don't be Bears. 

To Irishmen. Don't make Bulls. 

To Smokers. Cut Cavendish and Clay. 

To Whistplayert, Stick to Clay and Cavendish. 

To learners of the Eton Latin Grammar. " Bos, 
fur, sus " Beef, pork, and a fur coat. 

To the Committee for Decorating St. Fours. Study 
Wrens' Nests. 

To the KING or SPATS. Get Spain out of her 
" Bonds." 

To MARSHAL MACJIAHON. Hold on. 

To PRINCE BISMAKCK. Don't be too amiable, for the 
sake of your sentimental Emperor and suffering country. 

To the POPE. Try and be fallible for a change. 

And to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN. Open an Office in 
Great De-Corum Street. 



The New Fashion. 

Ls FOLLET, always worth careful examination, dis- 
closes to us that " flounces plaited a coup de vent " are 
now in vogue. "Clouds have long ceased to be a 
novelty; but now we may be on the look-out for 
ladies in "hurricanes," with gentlemen in pilot-coats 
in close attendance. 



Audience. Artiehoo! (cough) swsh! {pocket handkerchiefs) Arti- 
(violent coughs and convulsive stamping of /eei)-choo ! boo, boo, 
(fmr (somebody choking, having probably allowed a lozenge to slip 
douj.n the wrong tcay). 

Job (finishing more pathetically). Call on me, lass, for thou wert 
the comfort of my 

Audience. Swsh! artiohoo! boo, boo, grrr (sneezes, wheezes, coughs, 
and violent blowings}. 

Job (seeing NELLY carried off by Miss. MELLON). I've killed her, 
I 've killed her I, who would ha' gi'en my 

Everybody (in chorus). Artiehoo! boo, grrr, &c., &c. 

But, Puot, it was a fearful night, and Your Pantomime Com- 
missioner quite envied the Pantaloon when the Clown tickled him 
as usual with the red-hot poker. 

The Me,-ry Wives is brightly put on the stage at the Gaiety, and 
SBAXSPEABE at present is in possession of the Strand on each side of 
Wellington Street. But as MR. PJIELPS as Falstaff and MR. IRVING 
as Hamlet do not properly belong to my present subject, I will stop 
where I am, and sign myself Your Own 

P. C. 

P.S. MB. HENGLEB'S Clown, Saudi/, uu/st be seen. He is a real 
Circus droll the most irresistible of all drolls, when really up to the 
mark, always excepting Mr. Punch and the eldest of my young 
female Critics declared herself in love with him, "he is such a 
pretty little fellow." My small Critic die a hint ans : pas de 
ganger. 



AT THE ANTIPODES. 



WOBKS or MERCY. The exact opposite to works of Mersey. 
the late Criminal Records of Liverpool.) 



(See 



" JUST NEXT DOOR." 

IT has been observed by a great Philosopher, second only to Punch 
and PLATO, that in a vast City we never know who lives next door 
to us. This is remarkably true of the greatest City in the world, 
videlicet London. 

Yet affirmations of this kind must bo taken cum grano sails. 

Just next door you may live a gentleman who is careful about 
his breed of poultry, whose Cochins crow like burglars at midnight, 
and whose gamecocks wake you at sunrise with the clear sound of a 
clarion. 

Just next door there maybe a lover of harmony, each of whose 
daughters, sis: in number, has a piano of her own, while he is very 
gradually learning the key-bugle or trombone. 

Just next door there may be an analytical chemist, who emits 
gases of the most hideous smell just when you are dining, and makes 
terrific explosions as you are getting cosily asleep about midnight. 

Just next door there may be a gentleman who breeds bull-terriers, 
so that you are doubtful about the safety of the calves of your legs 
the moment you pass your gate. 

Just next door there may be somebody who gives small dances at 
late hours, and who will certainly dance the floors out of her rooms 
one of these nights. 

Just next door there may be an amateur detective, who is always 
discovering mystery in trifles, and who believes that you, who appa- 
rently do nothing, must be a conspirator, and watches you accord- 
ingly. 

Just next door there maybe the prettiest girl you ever saw in 
your life but alas, a fine young fellow, who looks as if he meant it, 
comes to see her every day. That being your case, Mr. Punch sym- 
pathises with you, and hopes that at least you will be permitted to 
" give her away," with your paternal blessing. 



JANUAHIT 9, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



19 




COMMERCE. 

First Shoe-Black (from Cheapside). "BET YBR A SHILLIN' OF IT!" 
Second Shoe- Black (from West End). "An YOU AIN'T GOT A BOB!" 

First Shoe- Black. "VKRY WELL IF I LOSES I CAN LIKKIDATE BY ARRANGE- 
MENT. THAT 's FAIR I " 

Second Shoe-Black. "'DON'T KNOW; "MAY DO IN THE CITY I WE DON'T 

UNDERSTAND IT DOWN HEKB ! " 



SlE, 



SOME NEW IDEAS FOR THE NEW YEAR. 



A CORRESPONDENT of an influential contemporary having called 
attention to a novel and ingenious method of warming oneself in bed by 
means of a hot-water bottle, allow me to point out another mode of pro- 
curing warmth, even out of bed, which is not so well known as it deserves 
to be. 

Before going to bed, or, indeed, at any other time, I place myself on the 
exact centre of my hearthrug, with my feet eighteen inches apart, the toes 
slightlv pointing outward ; I then gather the skirts of my coat, not over my 
head, but under my arms, and face the centre of the room, my chin being 
raised at such an angle as to bring the axis of sight upon the line where 
the ceiling meets the opposite wall. Soon a grateful glow is disseminated over 
the whole frame, which continues while the above posture is maintained, if the fire 
is not allowed to get low. Doubtless thousands of chilly mortals will thank you 
for introducing to their notice this plan, which I have practised for many 
years, and always with much comfort and satisfaction. 

Yours faithfully, 

TEEGIVEESAIOH. 
DEAE MB. PUNCH, 

I OBSERVE that " C. W." in a leading journal recommends the procuring 
of warmth by the use in bed of a bottle " filled with hot-water." 

Allow me to suggest a great improvement, which is to fill the bottle 
partly with hot-water and partly with gin. It can then be alternately applied 
externally and internally at short intervals, by which means a more equable 
warmth can be attained, and a greater degree of comfort may be expected. 

I have always found it well to avoid extremes, and to seek a mean in 
all things. 

I am, yours truly, 

IN MEDIO TUTISSIMUS. 

FBOM "PUNCH'S SrNONYMS." The Limited Male a Husband. 



A COUPLE OF BIRTHDAYS. 

"Ax ILLL-STHIOL-.S WKBK. Mu. GLADSTONE eompleted his 
sixty-fifth year yesterday (Tuesday), having been bora on the 
29tk of December, 1S09. Ma. DIRHAELI will be sixty nine to- 
morrow (Thursday)." I'M MM (Jaatte. 

Now ought they not to have dined together, 

In friendly defiance of frosty weathfrr '; 

Betwixt that Tuesday and Thursday lay 

One intermediate neutral day, 

When if llawarden's ex-King of Men, 

Hud left sharp axe and pungent pen, 

To hob-nob with the Author of Lothtir, 

I n:h at his ease in an easy chair, 

They might have had some pleasant langhter 

Twixt the birthday past and the one to come after. 

For the bill of fare, say imprimis oysters, 

Cayenned and lemoned for these rare roygters ; 

The molluscs moistened with choicest Chablis : 

Then BENJAMIN, with his touch of RABELAIS, 

Of Asian Mystery-maze ex-denizen, 

Might have led on from turtle to venison 

Yes. they really ought to have dined together, 

In the face of old feuds and frosty weather. 

Punch, methinks, hears WILLIAM " BEN, my 

brother, 

Why should you and I fight with each other ? 
I act as a general solvent and stirrer, 
While into new truth you convert old error. 
A different work we have each assigned 
I, the sleepers to wake ; you, to lead the blind : 
I disestablish and disendow, 
You educate Tories to facts to bow. 
Two different careers are ours, 
Each with its successions of thorns and flowers. 
Let 's toast each other in dry champagne, 
And drink the chances of next campaign." 

Methinks he hears bland BENJAMIN'S answer : 

" My WILLIAM, worthy oneiromancer, 

You dream of a future quite impossible, 

Of bridges over gulfs uncrossable. 

You move to sev'ranqe of Church and State 

Now the Siamese Twins never tempted Fate ; 

And Church and State as closely are knit, 

And, severed, as little at ease would sit. 

Meantime, axe away at Church and tree, 

I don't think you'll disestablish me : 

Nor do I think yours the hand for a stroke 

That would wound old England's heart of oak : 

Nay rather, I fancy, upon the whole, 

Your lopping and topping will strengthen the bole, 

" For next year's mid-birthday dinner hearty, 
Suppose we asked Punch to be of our party ? 
His wisdom and wit may to both of us show 
A thing or two, perhaps, that we don't quite know ; 
May prove that to you, my impulsive GLADSTONE, 
One tone is forbid the blatant Rad's tone ; 
May teach my pupils that Men should stand 
For more than Millions, Lab'rers than Land ; 
That 'tis little and big that build up a wall- 
Lord, Squire, Farmer, Labourer and all ; 
That manhood and love are and ever must be 
Worth more, in the long run, than L. S. D." 

Yes on Seventy-Five, December thirty, 
Be the weather never so chill and dirty, 
Perpetual PREMIER PUNCH, not loth. 
Will be glad to meet WILLIAM and BENJAMIN both, 
At a dinner enlivened with wisdom and wit, 
And rare old wine to moisten it. 
There to prove that both hold from him their 

authority, 
Who represents England's vast majority 1 



Poison and Physic. 
(For British Loyalty.) 

The Bane. C. C. F. GBEVILLE'S Diaries, under George 
the Fourth, and William the Fourth. 

The Antidote. THEODORE MARTIN'S Life of the Prince 
Consort, 



JANUARY 16, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 



EXCERPTA VATICANA. 




ROtt our inns/ 
prirule Vati- 
can Cnrrr- 
spondent. 

DEAK MB. 
PPUCH, 

I HAD the 

honour of a 
long and most 
confidential 
interview with 
His Holiness 
yesterday, o] 
which, accord- 
ing to modern 
precedent, I imme- 
diately send you the 
account for publica- 



tion. 

After some genera! 
remarks on the state 
of the weather and 
other topics of in- 
terest, His Holiness 
was so gracious as to 
read me the draft oi 
a Bull which he con- 
templated publishing 
on the let of April, 
1875. I am happy to 
say that he took the 
precaution of sitting 
upon an ottoman, and 
not in a chair, whilst 
he read it, as in the 
latter case it would, 
of course, not Lave 
been open to any 

alteration or remark. It was entitled iu the usual manner from the initial 

words of its first sentence, which were as follows : 

" QCEMDAM INSANUM ET DOLosuM shirt-oollarosissimumque Berpentem PETBI navcm 
inequc veteran liinum* mordentem, percussimus et contudimus. Duo excellentes proceres 
Anglicnnosf (tcete MONSIONOHE CAPELO), unum Regimr juris-consultum peritum, nomine 
t:uitnm Sagittarium.J et armigerum respectabilem, nomine tantum FITBUM,|| etiam 
pcrcussimus et coutudimus. Ininio etiam omnes eos et adjutores fautorcsquo eorum 
luiprobamus, damnamus, atque anathematisamus " 

Here, as the Holy Father paused for breath, taking advantage of a long and 
faithful friendship, I looked up into the pood-humoured face of PAPA Pius, 
and smiled significantly, humming to myself at the same time the once- 
popular refrain from Midas 

" Be by your friends advised, 
Too rash, too hasty, Dad ; 
Or, maugre your bolts and wise head, 
The world will think you mad." 

I am happy to say the expostulation thus conveyed in song was, at least for 
the moment, successful. His Infallibility blushed, winked, smiled, laughed 
outright ; the Hull " Uuemdam insanum" was torn up, and will never appear, 
except in your columns as an enclosure from 

YODH VATICAN CORRESPONDENT. 

Anglice, old file. f " Two excellent peers." + Anylicf, an archer. || PKTRE. 



INFALLIBILITY ON STRIKE. 

WHY has DH. MANNING come back from Rome without the red hat and 
stockings ? To this conundrum the answer suggested by the well-informed 
correspondent of a contemporary is because perhaps for one reason, the POPE 
could not just now create him a Cardinal without thereby creating an invidious 
distinction : 

"But the most powerful motive, no doubt, of the Peru's action at the present moment 
in abstaining from nominating Cardinals ARCHBISHOP MANNING among them is the 
attitude he has assumed towards the Italian Government. He regards himself as a 
prisoner, held captive and deprived of his full liberty of notion &g Pope by the Italian 
authorities; and to give weight to the pretension, he sedulously refrains, as far as he 
possibly can, from filling up vacancies in the episcopal sees or Sacred College, only making 
new nominations when absolutely compelled to do so," 

At this rate, the POPE'S so-called action is inaction. Can we name it 
masterly inaction ? There is less of the master in it than the man namely, 
the working-man. The POPE, in so far as he declines to act, is on strike. 
But let us trust that, since he considers Bishops and Cardinals necessary 
for souls, he is not, as above represented, on strike, at what he supposes 



the expense of souls, for the recovery of his temporal 
power. 

A strike at that cost, against the Italian Government, 
would be infinitely more selfish than the strikes oi 
bakers, cabmen, and colliers against their employers or 
the Legislature, without regard to consequences affecting 
the British Public. It is to be hoped that Pius is too 
clement to be capable of anything of the kind, and at 
any rate he must surely be too knowing not to kimw 
better than, by striking, to allow all the world to find 
out what a great part of it has already discovered that it 
can do without him. If His Holiness lias really struck, 
like the miners of South Wales, it may be expected that 
his strike will Boon have collapsed also ; and, in the 
meanwhile, those who care a straw for it must endeavour 
to bear it as well as they may. 



ADDRESS TO AN ATOM. 

By an Uncomfortably Conscious Automaton. 

MYSTERIOUS particle, 
Intangible and most indefinite article, 
Which even Science cannot fix or focus ; 
Are you indeed of all this hocus-pocus, 
Mischristened Cosmos, protoplast ? It m 
'Tis pity that the happy status quo 
Of universal dumb inertia ever 
Was broken up by vortices or voices. 
T\\ ere surely better far that space had never 
Re-tchiied to objectionable noises, 

"r witnessed all this pother 
Of biologic bustle, whose chief law seems Bother 1 

Why could not you, 

And all your fellow motes, far, far too praukf ul, 
In the embraces of the boundless blue 

Rest and be thankful ? 
A plague on all your forces and affinities ! 

A mob of monads, to my notion, 
Surpasses one of demons or divinities 
Only while idle. With the earliest motion 
Began the immitigable Mischief. Why 
Must you in. chaos out those primal capers, 
Which were " the promise and the potency " 
Of all the woes that till our morning papers r 1 
'Tis surely a reflection most unpleasant 
To think that all the plagues which haunt the present 
Spring from that moment in the hidden pant, 
When the first molecule, weary at last 
Of immemorial motionlessness, stirring, 
Jostled his neighbour Atom. What a whirring 

Went through astounded space ! 
Thought pictures a grim grin upon the face 

Of him, the Prince of Evil ; 
Only that then, of course, there was no devil. 
At least of the New Creed that 's one prime article ; 

Though I have little doubt 
He was incipient in that self-same particle 
Whose fidgets caused the first great stirabout. 

If Science's " dry light," at its meridian, 
Finds men no more than automatic midges 
In its cold ray, the history that bridges 
The space between us and the first Ascidian 

Were better blotted. 
To archetypal atoms was allotted 
An easier talc than to the complex mass 
Of " clever matter," which has dared to pass 
For Man, but is, for all its prayers and panics, 
A problem in molecular mechanics ! 
If Conscience be but chemic combination, 
And Love a mere molecular affinity ; 
What boots all Life's superfluous botheration 
Of mad and painful dreams, that limn Divinity 
On fool-projected limbos ? Life 's a swindle, 

If taken d la TYNDALL. 
And, let who may in that demoniac war win 
(" Survival of the fittest " !) yet, as groping 
Less anxiously, less fearing, striving, hoping, 
An Ape was less a dupe than is a DAKWIN. 
That Atom must be a misguided duffer 
Who 'd join a Co. ; alone it could not suffer. 
Why should it long for partnership and pain so ? 
I would / were a monad I 'd remain so ; 
And as for " nascent thrills " and "ganglia," drat 'em! 
They 're things for which I should not care an Atom ! 



VOL. LXVT1T. 



- - 



V - 
33 




JANUABT 1C, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



23 




A NATURAL INTERPRETATION. 

School Teacher. "WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND nr 'SPFFERING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS SAKE'?" 
Soy (prom/My). "PRACTISING HVSINS IN THB MORNING, TBACSBR, AND SUNDAY SCHOOL IN THB AFTERNOON, AND BIBLE-CLASS 
IN THK KVKNIN' ! ! ' 



ROUGH VOICES FROM THE EAST END. 

WHICH Parson says it is 

Our dooty to be grateful, 
Even when bread 's riz. 

And meat no end a plateful. 

Also when it snows, 
Hails, and sleets, and freezes, 

A cove should blow his nose, 
And say Grace 'atwixt the sneezes. 

What a Christinas I, 

And some chaps as 1 know, 
Have enjoyed sure/y. 

Without grub or rhino ! 

Still ill- clothed and shod 

(And without a farden). 
At least we 're out o' quod, 

And owe no grub to GARDEN. 

Our thanks, our kids', and widders', 

Is due unto the nation, 
Which our wants considers, 

And gives us eddication ! 

Now, it 's easy to like skittles, 

Or bagatelle, or pool-board, 
But without a meal o' wittles 

'Tain't many wallies School-Board. 

Wieh laming 'elps a kinchin 

If he 've the heart to con it, 
But that 's 'ard, with hunger pinchin', 

And a board with nuffin on it. 



THE ROGUE'S TATTOO. 

OWING to the abolition of the " branding system" in the Army, 
there are now no means of detection to prevent the re-enlistment of 
a deserter or bad character. Under the old rules according to a 
corporal, witness to a charge in a police-court of obtaining enlist- 
ment by a false declaration there was no difficulty in the matter: 

" The man, on being discharged, would have been branded with the letters 
' B. C.' bad character and this would have prevented his being enlisted 
again." 

Branding means nothing worse than tattooing on the inside of the 
arm with needles and gunpowder, as ROGER TICDHORNE was tattooed 
by LORD BELLEW for fun. It is therefore not painful, and it need 
not be degrading. If the initials " B. C." are open to that objection, 
reverse them. What blackguard could feel himself otherwise than 
dignified instead of degraded by the stamp of C.B., which would 
only need to be read backwards to denote the blackguard instead of 
the gentleman ? The Rogue's Tattoo would be a meet accompani- 
ment to the Hague's March. 



Seasonable Weather in Scotland. 
(Edinburgh, New Year'* Day.) 

Sandy. There 's mair snaw this new year than I 've seen for 
mony a day ; it 's by ord'nar. 

Jock. Ay, but it 's vera saisonable wather. 

Sandy. Deed, ye may say that, JOCK, fine saft fa'in for the fou 
folk. 

TO LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE. 

How to prevent the Hair from becoming Qrey. Cut it off, do it 
up neatly in tissue paper, and put it away in a drawer. It will not 
become grey as long as you live. 



OUR 




REPRESENTATIVE MAN- 

PERA-BOUFFB and a Comic 
Opera at the Alhambra 
and the Criterion. 

SiB, 

THE other evening 
I went to hear WhiUing- 
ton, the first Opera-Bouffe 
composed by M. OFFEN- 
BACH to an original Eng- 
lish libretto. It is described 
as a " New Grand Opera- 
Bouffe Feerie in Four Acts 
and Fine Tableaux." Why 
a piece, which has neither 
a Fairy nor an Imp in it, 
should be called a "Fee- 
rie," is probably known 
to the gifted person who 
first hit upon the peculiarly 
bright idea of asking a 
French composer to write 
an English Opera-Bouffe. 
M. OFFENBACH is very far from being at home througlwut : there 
is hardly any music in the piece suggestive of Dick's feline friend, 
and the "dear old chimes, with their familiar "Turn again, WHIT- 
TnfOTON, Lord Mayor of London," have been spoilt by the French 
composer, in his attempt at improving the simple melody. M. 
OFFKXIUCH has tried to be what he considers English, and the 
librettist has tried to be what he considers French ; and so Whit- 
tington, as an inharmonious whole, can be dismissed in three words, 
common-place, dull, and tedious. 

As to what the learned librettist calls the " Persona? " in the bill, 
Your Representative was sorry to see Miss JULIA MATTHEWS in so 
poor a part as Alice. Whittington himself should have been played 
by a burlesque vocalist, like Miss PATTIE LAVERNE, or, in another 
style, by Miss KATE VAUGHAN. Hut I doubt if either of these 
two ladies could have got much out of the character beg the 
librettist's pardon, I mean "persona" of Whittington as it is, 
though they might have put some life into it on their own account. 
MR. PAULTON is funny as Ma. PAULTON with a halberd and 
spikes on his armour. The latter preventing the wearer's embracing 
his adored one comfortably is a very old joke: but so is the hot 
poker, and the latter always gets its laugh. But, in spite of the 
depressing " Opfra-bouffef eerie" part of Whittington, there is that 
in it which deserves to draw, and which will, I trust, achieve its 
object. I do not mean the scenery, which is quite the hest yet seen 
at the Alhambra. No, I allude to the " Grand Barbaric Ballet " 
in the Second Act. It is the success of the piece, and it is a genuine 
artistic triumph. Conld the management even now suppress the 
opera, and merely play this great Ballet Scene, it, alone, would be 
sufficient to attract all sight-seers and admirers of gorgeous spec- 
tacle from now till Whitsuntide. The costumes are nnprecedentedly 
magnificent, especially those of black and gold, and the combina- 
tions of colour and originality of design evinced throughout prove 
MR. ALFRED THOMPSON to be facile princeps in this department of 
his art. 

The music of the ballet is not up to the mark of the dresses, nor 
to the movements and groupings of the dancers. In short, too great 
praise cannot be given to MR. THOMPSON for his costumes, and to 
MONSIEUB DEWFNNE for his arrangement of the ballet ; while MLLE. 
PITTERI, premiere danseuse, is the queen of the evening, most ably 
supported by her terpsichorean Princesses, MADEMOISELLES PERTOLDI 
and SIDONTE. 

For the benefit of all who dine late, and who wish to see the best 
picture of its kind in London, without having to support its heavy 
frame, Your Representative takes this opportunity of intimating that 
this Barbaric Ballet commences at a little before ten and is over in 
half an hour. Theatre-goers at a distance should accept this 
notice, and no one who cares for artistic efforts in this direction will 
consider the evening to have been ill-bestowed on seeing the truly 
splendid Barbaric Ballet at the Alhambra. 

The Management has spared no expense, and I trust that the 
Alhambra will close its Whittington season with a jubilant dance 
of Shareholders, with pas seuls by the Directors to the tune of fifteen 
per cent., and a new testimonial baton for M. JACOBI, the hard- 
working chef d'orchestre. 

Your Representative cannot conclude these remarks on the 
Alhambra piece without noticing the Corn-field Scene in the fourth 
Act, where the Reapers, the Archers, and the Peasants dance. 
In it MR. CALCOTT, the Artist, has suggested a charming idea. He 
gives us in his landscape a view of an old-fashioned Rectory, or 
farm-house, commanding an uninterrupted view from all the prin- 
cipal windows of the field where the ballet is going on. How such 



a house would let ! "What advantages might not be put into the 
description of the Living when the advowson might be tor sale ! 
The Rector, shaving in the morning, could see from his dressing- 
room window the entire ballet ; quite proper, I assure you ; so that 
even if the present Licenser of Plays were on a visit at the Rectory, 
he would not be compelled to pull his blinds down, or to open the 
window and shout out to them, "Don't do that step: Go home, 
and lengthen your dresses!" Your Representative thanks 
MR. CALCOTT for this charming pastoral idea. 

The Criterion Theatre has a genuine Comic Opera in Lei Pres 
Saint Gervais. It is a better story than that of La Fille de Madame 
Angot, and could yet be, dramatically and musically, improved, were 
it in two Acts instead of three. As it is, the end of the Second Act is 
inartistic, and would have been dangerous to the success of a piece 
less well done all round, and less "goey" than the Pres Saint 
Gervais. No doubt the music would grow upon the ear ; but spark- 
ling, flowing, and melodious as it is throughout, there is not one air 
which the Public cau take away with them at a first hearing, and 
thank goodness for that, with recent recollections of Madame Angot 
hummed, whistled, and turned to account on the street-organs. 

MADAME PAULINE RITA is a valuable acquisition as a vocalist, but 
affords another example of the difficulty of finding the actress and 
the vocalist combined. Charming as a finished singer, she is, at 
present, a mere amateur in acting. But this deficiency can be, to a 
certain extent, remedied by careful study, under judicious guidance. 

Both for acting and singing it would be difficult to find a better 
representative of Friquette than Miss DUBOIS, while Miss THOBNE 
and Miss ADAIR are well suited in the flirting matron (Madame 
Nicole) and the ill-used nurserymaid (Toinon). 

MB. BRENNER, who sings the Sergeant's music capitally, is 
scarcely strong enough for the eccentricities which should mark this 
part, and make it stand out even more than it does at present. MR. 
PEBBINI and M. LOBKEDAN, as Nicole and Grfgoire, do their artistic 
best, in their acting, singing, and dancing, to keep up the go of the 
piece from first to last; and, as the whole company plays well 
together, as the dresses are bright and harmonious, the grouping 
varied, the action well sustained, and the choruses kept well 
together by the able baton of M. STANISLAUS, the conductor, 
whose band is occasionally too loud for so small a place, the result is 
success. Oddly enough, the Pres Saint Gervais was a failure in Paris, 
and has recently been withdrawn. I should attribute this to its 
lack of catching melodies. 

As to the nonsense about this piece being one " at whose perform- 
ance," as the advertisement, quoting a notice, says, " virtue can 
cheerfully assist, and at which innocence might readily be present, 
why the plot turns, first, upon the serious flirtation of an elderly 
married woman with a Sergeant, which the audience enjoys because 
the husband is rendered ridiculous ; secondly, upon a retaliation of 
the husband, who in his turn makes love to a griselte ; and, thirdly, 
the woes of a young servant girl, who at last discovers her gay 
deceiver in the hypocritical bald-headed tutor of the Prince of 
Conti. And all this has been modified from the French for the 
English market. Of course Your Representative sees no sort of 
harm in these elements of comedy, but to hold up such a plot as the 
ideal of a moral story calculated to delight innocence, and throw 
virtue into ecstasies, is all Bosh and Bowdler. But no more at 
present from YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. 



CHANTREY'S BEST MONUMENT. 

"Through the demise of LADY CHANTREY, the widow of the great Sculptor, 
100,000 comes to the Council of the Royal Academy, the interest to 
be applied to the purchase of works of painting or sculpture by artists in this 
country, minus a yearly charge of 300 to the President, and 50 to the 
Secretary of the Hoyal Academy." 

PRATERS are facts, and so are pantries : 

Sin must be fed, Saints dunned. 
Our funds once founded Chantries, 

Now our CHANTREY founds a fund. 

Howe'er some coming man try, 
To out-carve him or out-cast, 
Among the works of CHANTBEY, 
One will ne'er be beat the last ! 



A Hundred to One. 

A NEWSPAPEK paragraph announces that an indictment has been 
prepared against MB. ALBERT GRANT, late _ Member for Kidder- 
minster, charging him "with misdemeanour in connection with the 
election," containing something like a hundred counts. Let us hope 
that even these hundred Counts will prove nothing against one 
Baron. 



JANUARY 16, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



25 




THE OPENING OF THE FRENCH OPERA-HOUSE. 

(Translated from a popular Paris Paper.) 

ISTRKSS of the World France in- 
dubitably is, but Paris is Mis- 
tress of France. To be Mistress 
of the World is also to be the 
Home of Civilisation. Paris is 
therefore the Home of Civilisa- 
tion. It is good to be great, but 
is it not better to be civilised ? 
You may not think so, and yet 
so it is. Do not the owls prefer 
the Moon to the Sun ? And yet 
the Sun shines more brightly 
than the Moon. Sometimes ! 
Why not always? Can you 
answer the question ? It is not 
an easy one. Who says this? 
Why, the World. The World 
is Paris. Therefore Paris says 
so. Paris is right ! 


There is something greater than Force. Not many things, but 
something, one thing. Music is greater than Force. The English, 
the Islanders who live in the Home of Fogs, had a Poet, a Thinker. 
He this Thinker belonged to them whilst he lived, and became 
the property of the world when he died. It was a grand gift. His 
name was SHAKSPIFRRE WILLIAMS SHAXSPIERRE. And what does 
SnAKsriERRF, say about Music? As a Thinker he surely should 
have an opinion upon the subject ; as a Poet he surely must have 
expressed that opinion in verse '( You are right, he has. He says 
that " Music has force to smooth out the creases of an irritated 
breast." SHAKSPIERRE was right ! and so the Mistress of the World 
has an Opera House. The Home of Civilisation must also be the 
Home of Music. Grand idea, noble ambition ! Paris must have 
the largest Opera House in the World. You ask "why ? " Because 
the World is contained in Paris. This may seem marvellous. It is 
marvellous. It is also true ! 

*." 

This grand Abode of Civilisation of Music of Music that 
" smoothes out the creases of the irritated breast "has just been 
opened. It was an event in a lifetime in a century. Paris, the 
Mistress of the World, was accepting a guide. Glorious union of 
Power and Melody ! It was the marriage of Progress and Art ! 
You may say that a marriage often brings sorrow. Well, you 
should know ! But this marriage is far different. The nuptials of 
Progress and Art can only lead to joy. You may not think so ? 
But let us consider it dispassionately. Who are you ? 

%* 

It was natural that Paris should invite the Remainder of the Uni- 
verse to be present at the glorious ceremony. Its duty was to follow 
the lead of Paris. The Remainder was invited. It came joyously ; 
it was flattered ; it knew that Paris honoured it by the invitation. 
And what was this Remainder ? Why, Englishmen, Spaniards, 
Austrians, and Russians. The Germans were not in it, the SHAH 
was not in it. But then Paris has had enough of the Germans 
and the SHAH I 

England sent her "high-life." England is very haughty, and 



hotel to the Elysee. In advance of the coach rode his trumpeters. 
This is an old, English custom. In the Land of Fogs it is the 
fashion for everyone to blow his own trumpet. It was a grand 
sight this meeting of the two warriors of France and England. 
Yes, two warriors. The President is practically the Commanding 
Officer of the French Army, the Lor Maire is theoretically the Head 
of the London Militia. It was indeed a grand sight ! After a few 
minutes passed in profound emotion, the Lor Maire proudly retired. 
He re-entered his gold carriage. He had two guards to defend him. 
They belonged to his household. One of these guards carried a 
gigantic mace, the other a huge sword. These weapons were very 
large, so large that they had to be held out of the carriage window. 
The English have a grand national festival. It is held at Christmas 
time, and is called " a Pantomime." The mace and sword of the 
Lor Maire are sometimes seen in " a Pantomime." The Lor Maire 
returned with his Cavalry escort to his hotel. It was indeed a 
grand sight ! There was an Englishman present who burst into 
tears, and said it reminded him of ASTLEY'S. This Englishman 
seemed to be a man of intelligence. 

V 

Alas, all things change ! they all pass away ! The ceremony is 
over. The Lor Maire has returned to hi inland home. Still Paris 
has an Opera House, has the power (once more to use the words of 
the immortal SHAKSPIKRRB) to " smooth out the. creases of an 
irritable breatt." This is Good, this is Great, this is Grand, this is 
Sublime ! Nay more, this is Paris ! 

CLETOMAWJT. 



her " high-life" is very proud. Those who know London know that 
the "high-life 1 ; live in "Battersea Pare" and " Vaux-al-bridg- , 
road." The writer of this article knows London. Everything has 



a head. You say not everything. You are right you have not a 
head ! England's " high-life," however, has a head. The head of 
the "high-life" in England is a Warrior. He is more than a 
Warrior, he is a Sage ; he is more than a Sage, he is a Mystery. 
This Mystery is called the Lor Maire of London. Now the Lor 
Maire of London came to Paris for the opening of the Opera House. 
Are you satisfied ? 



An erroneous report has appeared in the leading London paper. 
A programme has been published of the festivities with which the 
Lor Maire was to have been entertained. It was said that the Lor 
Maire was to be present at a Grand Review, and was to command 
the French Army ! That the Junior Members of his Court were to 
oe entertained by the Jockey Club at a supper ! An English paper 
when writing about France always exhibits the grossest ignorance. 
This is very unlike the French Press, which is invariably well 
.nfonned upon English matters. The leading London paper was 
inexact. Punch is the leading London paper. Punch was inexact ! 

** 

The reception of the Lor Maire was grand, was worthy of his 
dignity. He had a large Cavalry escort to attend him from his 



BETTERING THE INSTRUCTION. 

IT is rumoured that KINO COFFEE has at last seen the error of his 
ways in sacrificing human life to his bloody and barbarous " custom," 
and has promised, if reinstated on his throne, to dismiss his heads- 
man, and conform to the "customs" of civilised life. For this 
purpose he would visit England for the purpose of ascertaining the 
speediest method of at once introducing in his Ashantee king- 
dom: 

1. Iron-clad vessels that will turn bottom-upwards in a moderate 
gale, and carry all hands down with them. 

2. Rotten merchantmen, which shall be carefully overloaded and 
founder or run ashore, at the rate of, say, five hundred in the course 
of the year. 

3. Emigrant ships carrying a large number of " assisted " pas- 
sengers, together with an assorted cargo of spirits and other 
combustibles, with boats enough to save, at least, one-fourth of the 
passengers in case of fire or other sudden catastrophe. 

4. Railways with imperfect permanent way, level crossings, old- 
fashioned and defective rolling-stock, and officials whose underpay 
is counterbalanced by overwork. 

;"). Coal and other mines, imperfectly ventilated, in which every 
facility shall be given for the use of naked lights. 

6. Firework manufactures in populous neighbourhoods, and 
improved means for the freest transport of gunpowder by canals, 
with carefully planned provision for explosion. 

His Majesty hopes that by these precautions, together with the 
establishment of Fever Hospitals in pleasant suburbs, the general 
diffusion of public-houses, and other civilised arrangements for 
rum-drinking and a due assisted immigration of Liverpool roughs 
and Black and North Country kickers and wife-purrers, he will be 
able to secure to his people many of the blessings of civilisation, 
while still ensuring a sufficiently large sacrifice of life to satisfy 
Ashantee notions. He hopes by this combination of policies to 
attain a position among civilised potentates, without forfeiting his 
place among African sovereigns. He will also do his best to 
familiarise his Chiefs with the constitutional machinery for remedy- 
ing abuses by Royal Commissions of Inquiry ; and in time he 
hopes for the inestimable blessing of a free and cheap Press, which 
will give all the effect of picturesque publicity to the most striking 
and sensational results of the above civilised and civilising institu- 
tions. 



SIR, 



Military and Dramatic. 



A PIECE called Drawing the Line is being played at the 
Charing Cross Theatre. Of course the line must be drawn some- 
where, so why not at the Charing Cross! I had thought that 
the good old days of such pieces as The Battle of Waterloo, The 
Afghan War, and so forth, had departed for ever ; but no, for if 
there is a theatre now-a-days which succeeds in Draining the Line, 
it must be with a genuinely good military spectacle. 
Yours truly, 

QUICK MARCH, Sergeant in the Thirty-First. 
Bungalmc Barracks. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUABT 16, 1875, 




RECIPROCITY. 

(The Arts are borrowing 'each otJier's vocabulary PAIXTINO has it* " Harmonics" and "Symphonies" 1 : Musicis beginning to return 

the compliment.) 

First Lorely Being (to clcrcr Pianist, after performance). "0 HOW CHAEMINO, HERR LA BEMOISKI! THERE'S SUCH COLOUR IN 

YOUR FORTISSIMOESt" 

Second Lovely Being. "Sucn ROUNDNESS OF MODELLING IN TOITR PIANISSIMOES ! I " 

Third Lovely Being. "StJCH PERSPECTIVE IN YOUR CRESCENDOES I- 1 1 " 

Fourth Lovely Being.. "StJCH CHIAROSCURO IN YOUR DIMINUSSDOES! I //" 

fifth Lovely Being. ," SUCH AXArour IN YOUR LEOATOES! 1 1 //" <tc., <.., d-c, [Clever Pianist is bewildered, but not displenx'd. 



"BETWEEN THE ACTS;" 

Or, Spain and the Spanish. 

A SCHOOL-BOY so stout, and a Maiden so mad- 
She a hag, he a youth in his teens 
T'other day made a match, be 't lor good or for bad, 
ALFONSO THE TWELFTH was the name of the lad, 
And L'ESPANA the maniac quean's. 

Buona-rola and boy gave the lie to the rule 

Which says antecedents agree 

With their relatives person and case ; for this fool, 
With the rags of a beggar, the tastes of a ghoul. 

Boasted bluest of blue blood to be. 

Few, methinks, sounder heads, stouter hearts, harder health 

Than her antecedents could show, 
But to turn from their dash to their relative's stealth, 

M-? ga ?' s P arade in the teeth of their wealth, 

Might be called a mere mockery of woe. 

And this school-boy, with hands and with heart still so clean, 

Conscience clear of offence as a lamb 
Jt ever the world, flesh, and devil were seen, 
In a foul female Cerberus, crown'd as a (iueen, 

'I was in her he 'd to blush for as dam ! 

" But how," said the Boy, " for as mad as you seemed, 
So much wits did you e'er come to show, 



As to hurl down the idols that gods you late deemed, 
Leave the fools that you followed, the dreams that you dreamed, 
And kick out SAGASTA & Co. ? " 

" She ! " in scorn cried the keeper, Armed Force, who stood there, 

With his whip and strait-waistcoat, fair shown, 
" Don't think her craze cured, or her turned head set square, 
Poor L'ESPANA 's still mad as was ever March hare. 
It is / you 've to thank for your throne. 

" How bonds both a curse and a blessing may be 

Poor L'ESPAHA is destined to know : 
In the bonds I put on her salvation you see, 
Through the bonds she got off bankrupt beggar is she, 

A world's warning, a scoff, and a show ! " 

The maniac looked fierce, but her w_rath died away 

To dead calm, that strait-waistcoat displayed, 
And she crouched and she whined, " Ton my honour, I '11 pay 
And get credit who knows ? to run more ticks some day, 
When my ' passives ' once ' actives ' are made. 

" Then come to my arms be ALFONSO the Brave 

And I '11 be thy fair Imogiae." 

Here the maniac looked wild, and the keeper looked grave, 
While ALFONSO, poor boy, scarce knew how to behave, 

When a third party stepped on the scene. 

'Twas Le Lor Maire of London that mythical Lord, 

Who had deigned upon Paris to shine, 
With herald and trumpeters, sword-bearer, sword, 
Mace, flags, running-footmen in friendly accord 

Come England and France to combine ! 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 1C, 1875. 







(t 



BETWEEN THE ACTS. 



(At (he Opening of the Grand Opera, Paris.) 

THE LOTTO MAYOK OP LOSDOX (to ALFONSO THE TWELFTH). "DELIGHTED TO CONGRATULATE YOUR MAJESTY, 
TJUT BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. WITH YOUR MAJESTY'S ENGLISH EDUCATION, I HOPE I MAY ASSURE OUR 
FRIENDS IN LONDON THAT SOMETHING WILL NOW BE DONE ABOUT TH03E-AHEM !-' SOXDS ' .' .' .' " 



JANUARY 16, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



29 



In MARSHAL MACMAHOIT see La R6publiqne 

Bow down to La Cit6 in STOJTE ! 

Had those Grand Op'ra walls, besides ears, tongues to speak, 
What State secrets they heard Tuesday night of last week, 

And might to the world have made known ! 



Did ALFONSO to STONE Yo El Key to Lord Mayor- 
Give a pledge Spain's bad debts in to call 'i 
And if a pledge what pledge and whence when and where 
Is the money to come, that, betwixt bull and bear, 
Like a bone of contention will fall ? 







A QUESTION OF INSTINCT. 

R. PUNCH has received 
the following letter, 
which he imagines must 
have been intended for 
the columns of one of 
his daily contempor- 
aries, lie begs to in- 
form "A Constant 
Reader " that this cor- 
respondence must now 
cease so far as he {.!/;. 
Punch) is concerned. 

To the Editor. 
London, 
January 7, 1875. 

HAVING seen seve- 
ral letters in the papers 
recently headed " In- 
stinct, will you kindly 
permit me (with your 
well-known courtesy) 
to give a few cases of 

instinct that have been brought under my notice during the last 
few weeks. 

When the snow was lying on the ground a fortnight since, I met 
a small boy in the square in which my house is situated. Leaving a 
full description of my house to be given in a letter I hope to send to 
you a few days hence, I continue my story. The small boy stooped 
down and gathered together several handf uls of the frozen material. 
This done, he constructed a ball, which, some few minutes later, 
new instinctively in the direction of my hat. The snow, I am happy 
to say. missed me. I now noticed that the legs of the small boy 
were busily engaged in rapidly carrying him away. A strong 
impulse immediately seized me to follow the small boy with my 
umbrella. Can any of your readers inform me if instinct had any- 
thing to do with the boy's movements ? 

The other morning I met a beggar, who assured me that he had 
eaten nothing for more than four days. As an experiment, I placed 
a large dish of meat in front of him. In a few minutes the meat 
had disappeared. Did the instinct of the beggar induce him to 
devour the meat ? 

My youngest son, THOMAS (aged eleven), got hold of my watch 
the other day and broke it. As the accident was my fault (I should 
not have left the watch on the mantelpiece), I believe that he must 
have instinctively hidden the cane with which I sometimes correct 
my children. I pause for a reply. 

After travelling for nearly a week, both by day and by night, I 
arrived at a hotel, and went to bed. I had scarcely laid myself 
down when my eyes closed, and I lost all consciousness for many 
hours. My Doctor informs me that he has met (during an experi- 
ence of more than a quarter of a century) with many similar cases 
of instinct. 

As this matter is one of the deepest possible interest, I shall write 
several further letters on the subject. You have my full permission 
to publish the papers as they arrive. 

In conclusion I may add, that as I am told by the more intelligent 
of my friends that my correspondence is both, instructive and 
amusing. I very frequently write to the newspapers. In the dull 
season of the year, my letters seem to be very popular. Once more 
I would ask has instinct anything to do with the matter P 
I am, Sir, your obedient servant, 

A CONSTANT READER. 



The Butcher's Bill. 

OF Railway shares the current price to learn 
'Tis but to SLAUGHTER'S daily list we turn ; 
But now the Railways, emulative grown, 
Make daily lists of slaughter of their own ! 

The Secretary of the Railway Share branch of the Stock Exchange. 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

Ideal with Gipsy CHALVET, before Witnesses My Aunfs opinion 

s of a cold. 



RITUALISM AT 8r. PAUL'S. Romanism with'the LID-ON. 



CHALVEY has a careless jaunty way with him, a sort of take-it-or- 
leaye-it kind of air, and he begins by impressing me with the obli- 
gation I am under to him for bringing the cob for my inspection. 

" I heard as you wanted something of this sort, so, as I was just 
passing through, I thought as I 'd show him to you. There 's MR. 
Ari'LCTHWAiTE sweet on him, but I fancy as he'll have a better 
place with a gentleman like you, Sir." 

What can I say to this? Nothing. MR. APPLKTHWAITE is a 
substantial farmer, a very substantial farmer, indeed, weighing 
quite eighteen stone, and able to buy me and mv Aunt, MUROLE, and 
the whole lot of us, and lead us into slavery, if the law of the land 
happened to permit it. 

Happy Thought. MR. APPLETHWAITE, mounted, would look 
"sweet on him. 

So this remark of the Gipsy's is a genuine compliment, and the 
more genuine and the more valuable, as coming from a wanderer, a 
rover like CHALVET. It's as much as to say to me, " You see, Sir, 
though I 'm only a queer sort of customer myself, yet I knows a 
gentleman when I sees one ; and bless you, I sees one afore me 
now," meaning myself. I try to steel my heart against the implied 
t lattery, and go at once to the eob's knees. 

" 0, bless you," says MR. CHALVBY with a laugh, " he ' not been 
down, couldn t throw him down, not if you was to try your harderest. 
He 's a wonder, he is. Do anything a'most. Jump a rumbreller, or 
a stick, or anything 'eld afore him ; never refuses, and safe every- 
where." 

"He 'd gnit me with hounds ? " I suggest. I see CAZELL smile. 
This annoys me, because why should CAZELL see anything ridiculous 
in my going out " with hounds ? " There 's nothing ridiculous in my 
going out without hounds. Then why but this requires thinking 
out, and, at the present time, business is business. 

"Carry you, Sir!" exclaims CHALVEY, in admiration. "He's 
the very thing you want, I should say. Only, Sir," here he assumes 
a resolute air, "if you was to say to me, look here, MR. CHALVEY, 
here 's 4 hundred pounds to find me a cob as '11 carry me safe with 
'ounds, I couldn't bring you a better than this 'ere." 

MUROLE coughs, nods approval, looks inquiringly at CAZELL. and 
then shifts his leg, as though he had not, as yet, exactly made up 
his mind on the subject. 

" Strong?" I observe to MURGLE. 

"Yes, Sir, he's a strong 'un, he is, ;> replies MUROLE, evidently 
taking his cue from me. Again he shifts his leg, and coughs 
dubiously. 

Now what /want is that MUROLE, or CAZELL, or both, should pick 
out the animal's defects. I confess to being pleased with him. And 
I own I do not see where his faults are. I hate a friend who knows 
something about it, to turn up afterwards and say, " urn, rather 
down in, the fetlock low in the forehand seen a good deal of 
work," and so forth. 

Happy Thought. Ask what 's his age. 

CHALVEY replies frankly, " Well, Sir, I don't want to deceive you ; 
you can see for yourself." 

He means I am to look into 'the horse's month, and judge by his 
teeth. Certainly mustn't show ignorance ; or nervousness. 

Happy Thought. Tell MURGLE to open the horse's mouth. 

MURGLE does so awkwardly. I look at' |his teeth, and down his 
throat, and at the roof of his mouth as long as the horse will stand 
it. I don't know what I 'mlboking at. His teeth appear to have been 
neglected for some time. My first impulse is to say to CHJJ.VBY, ' ' I 
rather think he ought to go to a dentist " however, I know that isn't 
" horsey," so I say in an off-hand manner. " Well, he 's not very 
young. MUHGLE, who, I thought, would have told me exactly, 
merely coughs, looks more stupid than usual, and says, " No, he 
ain't not azackly young." 

I am annoyed and disappointed with MURGLE. His business is, 
what is called on the Stage, when one man plays two parts in the 
same piece, to " double " the Groom and the Gardener. If mo, when 
I want him to come out as the Groom and be horsey, he insists upon 
appearing in his favourite rol of the Gardener, and being more of 
a vegetable than usual. The reverse of this is, that when he ought 
to be mowing or sowing, he is either cleaning the harness or making 
a round of his own private calls on other gardeners and a few 
public-house keepers, which social proceeding he describes to me as 
" being obliged to exercise the 'oss. 



30 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 1C, 1875. 



UNDER A HOOD V. OUT OF A HAT. 




USSIA has given us a DUCHESS OF EDINBUKGH. 
Will the Duchess give us a charming and 
comfortable fashion of head-gear for the 
Russian winter- weather which has followed 
her for love from her native steppes, and of 
which we have lately had rather more than a 
taste ? We refer to the " besh-lik," or Cau- 
casian hood with long ends, which, besides 

framing the face in the most bewitching of all fashions, and keeping cheeks and ears warm in even Russian temperature, can have its 
floating ends coquettishly wrapped round the neck, and so do duty for cloud, cache-nez, comforter, boa, tippet, and the Pallet only knows 
what other forms and varieties of feminine throat-gear. 

Do try, please, dear Imperial and Royal Highness, to introduce the " besh-lik," and in such wintry weather as we have had 
lately save your sisters by adoption from the flimsy cockle-shells, and miserable muffins, which they are now content to cock a-top of 
their high-piled hair, thereby not only offending Mr. Punch's eye, but laying their pretty faces open to all manner of ills that can assail 
unprotected womanhood including all varieties of tic, neuralgia, tooth-ache, face-ache, ear-ache, and the family doctor only knows what 
less ordinary aches and ailments besides. 



As a judge of a horse, or of a horse's age, MCRGLE, at this minute, 
is of as much use as my gate-post. 

Rising five," says CHALVEY, protesting, "that ain't old." 

"No," returns that idiot MUBGLE, sagely shaking his stupid 
sheep's head, " he ain't old neither." 

Happy Thought. CHALVEY is aware that MCRGLE and myself 
have as much idea of that horse's age as the man in the moon. So 
I say knowingly, " Ah, he 's more than five." 

" Well," says CUALVEY, " there 's as much work in him as you '11 
want t Sir, for the next ten or twelve years. P'rapg you 'd like to 
try him." 

" No, thank you." 

Happy Thought. Wait until I can do it quietly, without 
spectators. 

CAZKLL says, " 0, you 'd better try him. You ought to try him." 
W ould you like to take him over a hurdle in the field then, Sir?" 
asks CUALVEY. 

I should, very much, if I were certain the result would be effec- 
tive and satisfactory. 

' J?i'2 better '" " 
thinks it funny. 

Happy JAowM.- CHALVEY can try him himself. I can quite 
sufficiently judge of him by that. 

CHALVEY does try him. MUBGLE holds a broom, then an umbrella, 
and CHALVEY (who actually rides him bare backed !) takes him over 
both. Canters, trots, walks, jumps him over a hurdle. All most 
satisfactory. The Cob is very clever, and will be most useful. 

He appears to go so easily over the hurdle and the other things, 
that I am very nearly trying him myself. But I defer the experi- 
ment. I feel somehow that when I ' ve bought and paid for him, and 
have acquired a right to ride him, that there '11 be less chance of my 



CAZELL, who expects to see an accident, and 



coming off. I don't know why I think this, but so it is. Possession 
is nine points of staying in the saddle. 

Happy Thought. Now for harness. 

MUKGLE says, coughing, that, " Unfortintely the trap 'as gone to 
be mended that wery arternoon, and won't be back afur night." 

Will CHALVEY leave the Cob '( 

No, he can't : very sorry, but he can't. He 's off to Sussex this 
evening, and if ME. APPLETHWAITE don't have him, he knows a 
party near Lewes as '11 give double the money for him. 

" He has been in harness, I suppose ?" I ask, not liking to lose 
the chance of buying such a clever cob as this. 

" Has been in 'arness! " exclaims CHALVEY. " Only look at his 
neck, Sir ! If it worn't for them collar-marks I shouldn't be 
arkxing the low price I am for him. The hair will grow in time, 
and it 11 come all right. But they must ha' druv him rayther 'ard 
in some cart or other." 

Yes, evidently. There are the marks of the collar. Regularly 
worn off the hair. No doubt. " He must have been in harness," I 
say to CAZELL. 

CAZELL is sure of it, or how did the collar-marks come there ? 

Quite BO. That 's all satisfactory. I really don't care about 
inquiring as to his soundness. I know what I should say if I were 
selling him. I look upon all questions as to soundness as mere 
formalities. The price is the point. 

CHALVEY wants twenty-five guineas. 

(Not more ! I am pleased.) 

Happy Thought. Look frowningly, and shake my head. 

CAZELL (bother him) says, "Cheap at the price." He further 
suggests that I can make my money out of him over and over again 
as a trick ponv, with umbrellas. 

" Likewise," chimes in CHALVEY, " for trotting matches." 



JANUARY 16, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



31 




A REAL HARD CASE. 

(THE ROUGH'S LAST WRONG.) 
Liverpool Ruffian. "'ERB's A GO I A MAN 'AKOSD FOR KICKIN' HIS WIFE TO 

DEATH ! I SHALL *AVK TO TAKE MY BOOTS OFF I " 



THE HOUGH'S LAST WRONG. 

THEY may well say old England is haltered, 

I wonder where changes will stop, 
Now Bigwigs of the Bench have not faltered 

To let us down this hawful drop ? 
Bad enough the cat's brutal correction, 

In our gaols should be let to run rife, 
Spite of LOBD AIIEEDABE'S wise objection, 

BCT A MAN II AM, Mi FOE KILLIS 1 HIS WIFE! 

And in Lancashire, too, where poor fellers 
Brass-tipped clogs have the habit to use ; 

Where famUies is crowded in cellars, 
And the corner-men look down on shoes. 

How 's a family's 'ead to keep order, 
Or put down aggravation and strife, 

If a few broken ribs is called murder, 

AND A MAN HANGED FOE KILL1N* HIS WIFE ? 

Now I axe, is an 'ome worth a copper, 
With them 'Spectors and Boards free to come ? 

Is wives wives, as you mayn't fetch a topper 
With a stick not so thick as your t hum h ? 

There 's spoons as wants law for the dumbest 
Of dumb things, 'tis true, on my life ; 

But of all starts, this last start 's the rummest, 

A MAN HANGED FOE KILLIN 1 HIS WIFE ! " 



A VARIABLE SYMBOL. 

A rRoros of the difficulty of learning English, 
MB. MEIKLEJOHN says, in an interesting letter pubhshec 
in last Saturday's Timet, that "the symbol ough ii 
translated into sound by us in eig^ht different ways.' 
We believe he might have said in nine at least. It does 
duty for oh, ote, tiff, off or awf, up, aw. oo, o', and a. 
As to the a, witness Marlborough, Scarborough, &c., 
which latter is pronounced by everybody so as to rhynu 
perfectly with "Barbara." 

The following example we believe embodies all pos- 
sible varieties of this Protean syllable, and may prove 
useful to tutors and governesses, independently of its 
own modest merits as a narrative : 

"A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode, 
coughing and hiccoughing, thoughtfully through the 
streets of Scarborough." 

Doesn't this sound quite like the beginning of one of 
JAMES'S novels ? (All rights reserved.) 



Happy Thought. Qive up literature, and take to trick ponies and 
trotting matches. Might do a profitable provincial tour, riding the 
cob myself, and betting on hia performances. 

CHALVEY expatiates upon the reasons why he has asked so little, 
and apparently is already on the point of regretting his price, and 
either taking him away, or adding another tenner to the sum just 
mentioned, when occurs to me 

Ilai>/>>/ Thought. Close with him at once. 

Business is business. Cheque on the spot, CHALVEY being in a 
hurry to get off to Sussex, and having several horse accounts to 
make up, and being considerably out of pocket by, &o., <tc. 

He takes cheque and gives receipt, that is, makes a mark to a 
form which I pen for him, bids us good-day, and MUBGLE leads the 
new purchase to the stable. 

' Not dear," I say to CAZELL, as we re-enter the house. 
' No," returns CAZELI, meditatively. Presently he says, " I dare 
say there is a sporting butcher or publican in the neighbourhood 
who d make trotting and jumping matches with you. Might get a 
heap of tin out of 'em." 

" Quite enough, too," says my Aunt, on hearing the price. She 
doesn t like the Gipsy, and hopes we locked the gate and looked 
round the garden everywhere. 

" If it is cheap," she continues, " that man didn't come by him 
honestly. You may depend upon it that horse you 've just bought 
is stolen." 

I am just going to reply somewhat sharply, being annoyed, when 
I am interrupted by myself sneezing. 

"There," says my Aunt, severelyi "you've caught cold from 
standing outside without your hat." 

"0! the Boast Beef." 

. A FOREIGN Nobleman, staying in England this Christmas, and but 
impertectly acquainted with the niceties of our language, was horror- 
struck at being invited to be present at the roasting of a "Baron." 



GORILLAS AND GHOULS. 

THE last journals of DE. LIVINGSTONE contain some interesting 
particulars relative to the Soko ; a species of Gorilla, in point of 
intelligence apparently the chief of its race the archmonkey. 
Morally, in one respect at least, this anthropoid ape appears to 
have considerably the advantage of his human neighbours, the 
Manyuema people. The Manyuema eat the Soko, but the Soko 
does not eat them; they eat one another: the Soko eats no flesh 
whatever, but is a pure vegetarian. Yet the Soko has teeth which 
he can use for fighting purposes, "he bites off," says a Times 
reviewer, " the toes and fingers of his human assailants and then 
leaves them." Is cannibalism, then, the outcome of a higher degree 
than the Soko's in the scale of development a stage distinctly 
human ? This question may, or may not, perhaps be answered by 
MR. DARWIN, at his convenience. 



No Baseless Fabric of a Dream. 

PRINCE ALFONSO when at the Theresian College, Vienna, is stated 
to have formed a close friendship with many of his comrades 
"Speaking to them rarely, but confidently of his accession to the 
throne." _ Not improbably his companions may have treated these 
expectations of the Prince's as so many castles in the air mere 
Chateaux en Espngne, which, however, at the present time, seem 
likely to turn out more substantial structures than such edifices 
usually prove to be. 

A Questionable Quotation. 

" One can never help enjoying Temple Bar." Guardian. 

So says an advertisement in last week's Pall Mall. We should 
loubt the fact particularly between five and six, in one's drive 
lome from business in the City. 



32 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANDAKY 16, 1875. 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 




ILL you come into my parlour ? " 

Said the Spider to the Fly, 
"I've some beautiful Old 
Masters, 

And some sherry really dry. 
! don't let yourself be worried 

By the want of ready tin, 
In my parlour, at your service, 

There is plenty. Pray walk in. 



" With a friend so much respected 

As yourself, young Mr. Fly, 
Well, I 'd scorn to think of profit, 

I love helping on the sly. 
Name your figure say a thousand 

On obliging you I 'm bent- 
Third in cash, two-thirds in sherry, 

Int'rest, fifty-nine per cent. ! ' 

H. 

A LITTLE old man of High-tum-tee 
Wanted a clerk, and so he took me. 

He paid me no wages the first year or 

second ; 
The third year it was / ought to pay him, 

he reckon'd. 

That little old man's growing ileadily 

rich, 
And won't i'tel distressed if / die in a 

ditch! 

in. 

I ii AD a little husband 

I kept beneath my thumb, 
When he wanted many things 

I only gave him some ; 
When he said that all were his, 

I quickly made him see 
That all of his were mine, while all 

Of mine belonged to me. 



CORONACH. 

(From the New Forest.) 

SHE is gone, MOTHER GIRLING, 

She is lost to the Forest ; 
No more shaking or skirling, 

When the need was the sorest ! 
There 's none dare disturb, hurt, 

Or worry the Quakers, 
But, except MB. HEBBEKT, 

Who 's kind to the Shakers 'i 

The hand of the bailiff 

Was down on their bacon, 
Their brandy and ale, if 

'Twas there to be taken : 
The feed for their cattle, 

The swedes for their pottage ; 
Left them Winter to battle, 

Turned out of their cottage. 

Hard : but int'rest from Heaven 

Never mortgagee staid for ; 
And Faith is a leaven 

Won't raise bread unpaid for. 
Fur Providence don't range 

His facts for the thriftless, 
And the world's order won't change, 

To shift for the shiftless. 

" Prayer is work," " Owe to no man " 

Are laws of our Maker, 
Spite of creed of the Human, 

Or craze of the Shaker ; 
Of Church blessing or banning, 

Or shaking or skirling, 
A strong faith in MANNING, 

Or weak trust in GIRLING. 



ANATHEMA ESTO ! 

A CIRCULAR letter with reference to the opinions on the con- 
troversy touching the Vatican Degrees expressed by MB. HENRY 
PETBE, of Dunkenhalgh. has been addressed by DR. VAUGHAN, 
titular Bishop of Salfora, to the Roman Catholic clergy of that 
Papal diocese, commanding them to refuse the sacraments to MR. 
PETBE unless he admits "the power of the Church to make defini- 
tions of faith, and accepts in like manner the definitions actually 
made and promulgated in 1854 and 1870." Will MB. PETRE give 
inF Not, perhaps, until excommunication shall have had the like 
effects on him to those it produced on the Jackdaw of Kheims. To 
the foregoing injunction is added the following menace : 

" Should any priest act in contravention of this command, he will be ijno 
facto suspended Irom the use of his faculties." 

What a fool, then, some people may say, the priest will have 
made of himself ! Not such a fool, perhaps, as those who believe 
all that MB. PETRE questions. Is it not rather they who, by pros- 
tration of their intellect, have suspended themselves from the use 
of their faculties ? 

Welcome Announcement. 

PERHAPS the most pleasant item of the last week's news is the 
announcement that 

"There was a full supply of house coals at the coal market yesterday. 
Business was exceedingly dull, the tendency of the prices at the close of the 
market being decidedly downward." 

The dulness of business can only have been equalled by the 
liveliness of Paterfamilias at such good news. 



FOLLOWING THEIR NOSES. 



WE read a report of whales running ashore on the Orkney Coast 
last week. They were of the bottle-nose kind, and probably followed 
their noses, tempted by the free flow of " het-pint," a very tempting 
new year's tipple, largely indulged in north of the Tweed. 



JANUAKY M, li>75.J 



PUNCH, Oil Till-: LONDON CHARIVARI. 



33 




TALLEYRAND REDIVIVUS. 

Epicurus (dining at his Club, is surprised at the presence of his domestic Grecn-grocerial Waiter). " EH I WHAT ! WHY, 18 IT YOU, 
WARTS .' WELL, I 'M GLAD TO SEE Ton 'RE GETTING ON ! " 

Warts (unmoved). "THANK YOU, SIB, YESSIR, WICH I'VE 'EARD SAY 'THE MAN AS CAN WAIT, is THE SUCCESSFUL MAN,' SIR. 
STILTON OR CHESHIRE, SIR?" [Becomes a Licensed Victualler, and dies rich/ 



STUDY FOR THE ACADEMY. 

VISITOBS to that delightful annual, the "Winter Exhibition of the 
Royal Academy, will save themselves much helplessness, confusion, 
and prevarication particularly those to whom their companions 
may turn for information about such of the pictures as neea expla- 
nation by learning beforehand a few facts, historical, biographical, 
mythological, topographical, poetical, literary, and dramatic, bear- 
ing on the various paintings which have not the advantage of 
telling their own story in titles as beautifully brief and simnle as 
"A Thistle," "A Landscape," "Portrait of a Lady in a Ruff," 
" An Interior" and " Two Sheep." Indeed no one should dream 
of visiting the Exhibition now open at Burlington House, and 
plunging into the expense of a Catalogue (bound, with pencil), 
unless competent to answer such a proportion of the following ques- 
tions as would satisfy the Civil Service Commissioners. 

Give a summary, with dates, of the historical incidents on which 
are founded the pictures entitled the DUKE OF GLOUCESTER and the 
Watergate of Calais ; the Marriage (in high life) of STKONGBOW and 
the PRINCESS EVA ; the Slaughter of the Suitors of PENELOPE ; the 
Wreck of the Minotaur ; the Sleeping Beauty ; and the Last Sleep of 
DUNCAN. 

Why is such familiarity taken with the name of that admirable 
landscape painter, MK. JOHN CKOME, as to cause him invariably to 
be called" Old CROME"? 

Relate (with dates) all you can remember about JOHN Ksox, 
POLLY PEACHEM, ARCHBISHOP LA CD, MB. TICKELL, the DCCHESS OF 
SAVOY, WILLIAM TELL, ST. SEBASTIAN, LORD CASTLEKEAGH, the 
EARL OF STRAFFORD, CUPID and PSYCHE, the ABBE GREGOIRE, 
QUEEN MARIANA, the MARQUIS OF MONTHOSE, SARAH MALCOLM, 
CAPTAIN HOCK, MRS. GIBSON the dwarf, DOGE LEON LOREDANO, 
PHILIP THE FOURTH, EDWARD THE SIXTH, the EARL OF ESSEX, 
the MELIAN NYMPHS, the MISSES GAINSBOROUGH, ST. Louis OF 
FRANCS, and WRIGHT OF DERBY. 

Show your intimate acquaintance with Spanish history by stating 



whose son and grandson the Infante DON BALTHAZAR CABLOS was, 
and by tracing his relationship to the DON CARLOS of our own times. 

To go from grave to GAY, who was the composer of the music of 
the Beggar's Opera f 

Who wrote Orlando Furioso, and what scene in that successful 
burlesque is portrayed in Dosso Dossi's picture ? 

Where are the Yare, Whitchurch, Wanstead, the Falls of Tivoli, 
the Mouth of the Thames, Boscastle, Macon, Carreg-Cennen, 
Dedham, Rhyl, and Poringland ? 

How is canine sagacity illustrated in the story of the dog who 
saved the DUKE OF RICHMOND (not the present Conservative Leader 
of the House of Lords) from being murdered in Gallery No. 2. 
(N.B. Here a little invention will be venial.) 

Give quotations (not to exceed fourteen lines) to illustrate the 
Play-scene in Hamlet, the Banquet-scene in Macbeth, the ex- 
amination of the recruits before Falstaff, Shallow, and Silence. 
the Disenchantment of Bottom, the Eve of St. Agnes, the Veiled 
Prophet of Khorassan, Kitely and Dame Kitely JpB. JOHNSON'S 
Every Man in his Humour), and the Interview of WERNER and the 
EMPRESS JOSEPHINE. 

Explain and give the derivation of " Pollard Oak," " Anchorite," 
" La Tricoteuse," and " La Marchande de Legumes." 

Give the correct pronunciation of Fra Bartolommeo, Hobbema, 
Ruysdael, Mierevelt. Jan Claasze Rietschoof, Brauwer, Mieris, 
Mantegna, Vandevelde, Velasquez, Zegers, and Zurbaran ; and 
explain Lo Spagnoletto, Andrea del Sarto, and the origin of the 
names of Ghirlandaio, and Tintoretto. 

What was CAXTON'S connection with the Press ? 

Are you not of opinion that descriptive tablets on all the frames 
would be highly desirable ? 

nr GOOD COMPANY. 

ON his return to London from being present at the great sight 
in Paris, the LORD MAYOB, with peculiar appropriateness, gave an 
account of his visit at a dinner of the Spectacle Makers. 



VOL. LXVI1I. 



34 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 23, 1875. 



A BUMPER AT PARTING! 




ARE WELL! 

Can it be that the time has come for that saddest 
of sad words P 

" Ergo sibi dabit ipse rudem (si nostra moYebunt 
Consilia) et vite diversum iter ingredietur, 
Ad pugnam qui rhetorics! descend! t ab umbri \ ' ' 

Or, if Punch may paraphrase JUTENAI, 

"Will he who, from Llandudno's calm retreat, 
Late burst, at once, on battle and defeat, 
Will he, though HARCOUHT gird, and GRANYILLE 

pray, 

Himself the Leader's truncheon fling away ? 
Still in his prime of power, unbent by years, 
Renounce tne joy of battle with his peers, 
Unmoved by Punch's counsel or his prayer, 
Nor to his realm relinquished name an heir ? 

Can such a transmigration indeed be true from the battle of the Benches to 
the battle of the Books, from Politics to Polemics, from HANSARD to HOMER ? 

Yes! He has chosen and set us all asking, as CICERO asked POMPEY, but without his irony, " Tarn bonus gladiator rudem 
tarn cito accepiiti ? "Can such a fighter take his discharge so soon! With RUSSELL still politically combative and controversial, still 
sensitive to a party raw, still hot over the memory of a party defeat and proud in the recall of a partjr triumph, at eighty-three ! With 
DISRAELI, only ten years younger, still in the Head-Master's Chair, still wielding the Head-Master's birchen sceptre over his Tory pupils 
and subjects GLADSTONE throws up the leadership of the Liberals at five years over the three score ! 

It cannot be true that time has done this, nor can we see in it the force of that destructive " tide in the affairs of men," which has 
swept away so much good work washed out all traces of so much gratitude. 

Can it be that W. E. G. has found Pen a pleasanter or more potent weapon than Tongue capable of being used with more 
leisureliness in its aim, more precision in its stroke, more profit in the triumphs it secures? But there are so many possible contri- 
butors to the Contemporary of translations from Homer, even of translations as bad as W. E. G.'s of the speech of Achilles last year ; so 
many who could have set the Churches by the ears on the Vatican Decrees, and so few who can 

" Wield at will the fierce democracy " 

which shares between it the Benches of the House of Commons; so few who can unite in a party-firm men and minds so far apart as 
DILKE and ACLAND, BKIGHT and GRANVILLE, RTLANDS and LTTBBOCK, PLAYFAIR and PETER TAYLOR ; so few under whom all that 
call themselves "Liberal" can be content to serve and sink their differences ; so few we can all be proud of; so few at whose feet 
defeated enemies can lay their colours without shame ! 

But if the retrospect saddens, what is Punch to say of the prospect ? ' ' Follow my Leader " was a game hard enough for some of the li ve- 
lier Liberals to keep the rules of. But " Choose my Leader " . .! What are those skittish and skipping spirits likely to > make of that game ? 

And when our ALEXANDER even if he have passed his ring to GRANVILLE has made no sign to guide the choice of his successor ! 

But that successor must be found. " Le Roi eat mort ! " Whose name is Punch to couple with his " Vive le Roi .' " 1 



JANUARY 23, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



35 



THE FIRST PINCH. 




DULL January after- 
noon. The Cabinet 
were met for the 
first time in 1*7 ">, 
around that mys- 
terious green cloth 
which has been the 
field of so many 
inlrstiiiuand inter- 
necine battles 
within the jea- 
lously-guarded 
walls, whose ears 
have been the de- 
positories of so 
many State secrets. 
The box was 
before them the 
true Cabinet " des- 
patch box" for 
what box to help 
despatch of busi- 
ness like THE CA- 

,-, BINET SNUFF-BOX ? 

.bvery Cabinet Minister is supposed to be " up to snuff," and the final test of competency for 
the post is the power of inhaling, without sternutation, three pinches of that potent com- 
pound of British rappee, Scotch high-dried, and Irish black-guard, which makes up "The 
ibinet Mixture "the secret of whose amalgam is passed, under seal of an awful oath of 
secresy, from the Senior Messenger at the First Lord's Office in Downing Street, on his 
death-bed, to his successor. 

Upon the contents of this box is based that esoteric Cabinet language in which the 
lestm >s of the nation are discussed and decided and which is also transmitted, by an 
unbroken tradition, through channels hid from the ken of the outer world from Prime 
Minister to Prime Minister. 

"And now, my Lords and Gentlemen," said the RIGHT HONOURABLE B-NJ-M-N D-SR-LI, 

; the usual compliments of the season, " What is to be ' OUR FIRST PINCH ' ? " 
He paused for a reply. 

[ Reducing the Irish Judicature to reasonable dimensions," said my LOED C-IRNS. 
u kquapng Secular and Spiritual in our schools," observed the DUKE or R-CHM-ND. 
" M n ^ me a d ecen t amount of work to do," said LORD M-LM-SB-EY." 

Making both ends meet, with a decent lap over," sighed the RIGHT HONOURABLE SIR 
ST-FF-BD N-RTHC-TE. 

| Defining a bond fide traveller," blurted out the RIGHT HONOURABLE R. A. CROSS. 

Keeping one s temper with PRINCE ," said LORD D-R-BT, when he was promptly 

P.uiJed up by the first bar of the popular song, " O No We Never Mention Him," hummed 



significantly by the RIGHT HONOURABLE B. D-SR-LI. 

' Framing a Constitution for Fiji," murmured my LORD C-EN-RV-N. 
j( Filling the tub of the Danaides," groaned the RIGHT HONOURABLE G-TH- 
Reframing a native Army," rapped out the MARQUIS OF S-L-SB-HT. 
Balancing a big English Navy against i 



RNE H-EDT. 



ABLE W-BD H-NT. 



b a small German," murmured the RIGHT HONOUR- 



Teaching my Post-Office pupils, in the lower classes, to mind their letters, instead of 
writing them," paintively whispered LORD J-HN- M-NN-RS. 

Then followed a silence, broken by the RIGHT HONOURABLE B. D-SR-LI. 

All Pinches, my Lords and Gentlemen, and some of them hard enough, I have no 
doubt ; but none of them entitled to the place of ' The First Pinch.' That proud position is 
reserved for the difficulty I have to propound, ' Carrying on the duties of Her Majesty's 
Government with the headship of Her Majesty's Opposition in Commission 'and for that 
Pinch we have to thank the RIGHT HONOUKABLE WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE ! " 



A LINGUISTIC LIFT FOR DR. LEDDON. 

DR. LIDDON is in want of a preposition to express the sense of a word. Would his 
purpose be answered by the combination" Pro'adcontrasubantepostobininterultracitraextra- 
in f rasubtersuperstantiation . ' ' 



F. MEN WANTED ! &. 

WAU OFFICE. Intelligence l)i'i>artntfi,t. 

85, Fleet tit ,<;!. 

FIKLD-MARSHAL PDNCH presents his 
compliments to those this Circular may 
concern, and begs to inform them that the 
British Army, which the Field-Marshal 
has the honour to supervise, is greatly in 
need of Recruits. He would add that the 
evidence taken before the Recruiting Cora- 
mission proved that the want of respect 
shown by civilians to her Majesty's uniform 
had a great deal to do with the Army's 
loss of popularity. The, Field-Marshal 
would further point out : 

1. That the intellectual training of 
Soldiers is now a matter of paramount 
importance, and that the Privates of 
many Regiments can compare favour - 
abl y with civilians as regards education . 

'I. That through the exertions of 
H.R.II. the DUKE OF CAMHKID<;K, Rt- 
creation Rooms and Libraries In'- 
been established in all the Barracks, 
with the object (an object that has 
been attained) of fostering refinement 
in the ranks. 

3. That, during the recent series of 
Autumn Manoeuvres, the Armies in the 
F'ield have gained golden opinions from 
all with whom they nave come in contact . 

4. That most Soldiers, when they 
leave the Service, are found to be ad- 
mirably adapted to fill the positions of 
clerks, railway-guards, policemen, and 
other posts of importance and responsi- 
bility. 

">. That a Colour-Sergeant is a Non- 
Commissioned Officer in command of 
some sixty or a hundred men, who has 
been promoted after many years' service 
in the ranks, in recognition of zeal, 
cleverness, and good conduct. 
Having made these observations, FIELD- 
MARSHAL PUNCH is forced to record his deep 
regret : 

1. That a Magistrate speaking from 
the Bench should have thought proper 
to inform a Recruit that to join the 
Army was to take a false step in life, 
which might possibly entail the break- 
ing of his parents' hearts. 

2. That a Non-Commissioned Officer 
should be refused admission to the best 
seats in a place of public entertainment 
because he (the Non-Commissioned 
Officer in question) happened at the 
time of purchasing his ticket to be 
wearing the should-be honoured uni- 
form of Her Majesty the QUEEW. 

FIELD - MARSHAL PUNCH consequently 
feels it to be his duty to issue the follow- 
ing orders : 

1. In future, City Aldermen, in their 
official capacities, will refrain from 
making remarks calculated to bring the 
Army into ridicule, hatred, or contempt. 

2. If any regulation exists prevent- 
ing soldiers in uniform from appearing 
in the better seats of places of enter- 
tainment, the rule in question must be 
immediately abolished. 

In conclusion, FIKLD-M ARSUAL PUNCH is 
strongly of opinion that recruiting will con- 
tinue to remain slack until the difference 
existing between the social conditions of the 
British Soldier in the present, and the 
Negro Slave in the past, is thoroughly 
understood and admitted by the public in 
general, and the people to whom this cir- 
cular is addressed in particular. It must 
be remembered in future that the Livery 
of Her Majesty is worn by warriors, and 
not by flunkeys. 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



I JANUARY 23, 1875. 



l . Tmm 



i?" 




CRUEL! 

SMITH (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man) tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an Orange, which 

meets with great success. 
Brown (when the laughter and applause ham subsided). " BRAVO, SMITH ! CAPITAL, OLD MAN ! BUT, I SAY, YOU TOLD IT BUTTER 

ONB NIOUT AT JONES'S, A FEW MONTHS AGO ! " 

Jones. " No, NO ! WHERE HE TOLD IT BEST WAS THAT MORNING WE BREAKFASTED WITH YOU, BROWN, SOMEWHERE ABOUT THE 

BEGINNING OF THE YEAR BEFORE LAST ! " f 

Robinson. "An, BUT DON'T YOU RECOLLECT THE WAY HE TOLD IT AFTER THAT SUPPER I GATE YOU FELLOWS AT EVANS I 
' FIFIY-ONK ' ? How WE DID LAUGH, TO BE SURE ! " 



THE LAST SONG OF A SAVAGE. 

'Tis all for a misfortun' I 'm condemned for to be 'ung, 

As a warnin' and example to all Roughs both old and young. 

'Twas brought in wilful murder because my wife did die 

Just through my havin' kicked her that 's the honly reason wy. 

I kicked her like I 'd kicked her full many a time afore ; 
I kicked her just as usual, I thought, no less nor more, 
And only two days runnin' ; but my ill-luck was such 
One kick at last I give her as turned out a kick too much. 

I do declare I never did intend to take her life, 

But safe within an inch of it purposed to kick my wife, 

Atakin" good care always short o' murder for to steer, 

And 'opin' hof the gallus by that means I should keep clear. 

In pint of law I thought the crime of murder was intent. 
Exactly not for to commit that much was what I meant ; 
So, therefore, when another's life it was my haim to spare, 
To make me forfeit pay my own is wot I calls unfair. 

I truly do repent the hextry kick I did bestow, 

Or too much wigger unawares wot I dung into my toe. 

Had I but knqw'd, I 'd ne'er ha' kicked my wife completely dead, 

To let myself in for the doom wot has 'lighted on my 'ed. 

'Twas constant drink as brought me to the customary state 
Wot caused the fatal haccident it grieve me to relate. 
I was drunk the day I kicked her ; I was also drunk the night. 
When I kicked her the next mornm' I 'd not yet got sober quite. 



The cause of hall was the means I got excess of drink to buy ; 
The wages of the Workin'-Man, witch of late has rose so high : 
We obtains increase of hincome to enjoy more drunken lives, 
And we strikes agin employers, and we goes and kicks our wives. 

My pals, to rescue all of you from my untimely end, 

Reduction, of your wages 1 should strongly recommend. 

Then you won't get drunk, like I done, and kick your wives too 

free, 
And 'ave to hexpiate your offence upon the gallus-tree. 



Iiiddon's Mycology. 

CANON LIDDON has been driven by MONSIGNORE CAPEL to disclaim 
certain doctrinal statements occurring in Ritualistic books of devo- 
tion as "fungi." A mycologist would perhaps like to know what 
particular fungi the Canon means. As the statements in question 
are rank Popery, it may be suggested that they are all so many 
varieties of the Boletus Romanus. Of course CANON LIDDON cannot 
regard them as common mushrooms, or any other sort of esculent 
fungi, and, if he were a stanch Protestant, would class them with 
the Russula emetica, the Amanita verna, the Lactarius torminosus, 
aud the other poisonous toadstools. 



A CUSTOMER FOB MR. RICE. A Chinamaniao in the country writes 
to ask if the Big Bed of Ware is of Worcestershire or Staffordshire, 
and if it is likely to be put up to auction when the Babes in the 
Wood have no further use for it r 



rill 



I's -s- 



Q 



* 



s 



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a. s 









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I I" 

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J? 
^ I 

2, S 



I-H O 

2. c 

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s. 

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1 
y p. 




JANUABY 23, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



39 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 



PIE sat on a pear-tree. 

A very shrewd Old Pie, 
Watching the little boys and girls 

To school go gravely by. 



1 Those hoys," he said, " will mostly be 
Conceited little prigs ; 
And I 'd rather have girls in frocks and curls, 
Than in Doctors' gowns and wigs." 




n. 

HA UK HABBY PARRY, 

If ever you marry, 
Be sure you don't marry a fool 

Who 's cram-full of learning, 

And constantly burning 
To turn your home into a school. 

^Esthetical notions 
And psychic emotions 

Are apt to be bores in a wife ; 
Remember Minerva 
Was left to preserve a 

Sad celibate state all her life. 



m. 

LITTLE JACK HOSIER 

Sat in a corner, 
Seeking for reasons why 

The circle and square 

Are just what they are, 
And can't be aught else if they try. 

When, after thinking 

Days without winking, 
He had not found the reasons why, 

From hi seat he arose 

And cocked up his nose, 
And said, " What a wise boy am I! " 



IT. 

JACK SPRAT 
Could eat no fat, 

His wife could eat no lean ; 
This way went SPRAT, 
His wife went that 

Both crooked ways, I ween. 

To Church JACK went, 

As he was bent, 
His wife she went to Mass ; 

That they fell out, 

Was just about 
What soonest came to pass. 



ilATTEK AND ACCIDENTS. 

IN one of the letters lately addressed by MONSKW OBE CAPEL to the 
Times, the subjoined definitions are quoted from a work whose 
author was the late DR. NEALE, advanced Hitualist. The Monsignore 
adopts them as a " clear exposition " of a dogma with which 
Mr, Punch has nothing to do. In themselves, however, they are 
simply statements concerning science, a subject which is quite 
within the province of Mr. Punch : 

" All matter is divided into the accidents and the aubstance. Accidents of 
matter are those which make a thing appear to be what it is. Substance is 
that which makes a thing to be what it is. The accidents remain ; the sub- 
stance is changed." 

Now Mr. Punch begs to submit the following questions to Mow- 
SIONORE CAPEL, or anybody else who thinks he can answer them. 

If substance is that which makes matter to be what it is, then ia 
substance anything else than power ? And then is not the substance 
of matter immaterial ? 

Are accidents of matter absolutely and invariably those which 
make a thing appear to be what it is ? Do not certain Doctors, 
including DOCTOR CAPEL, on the contrary, most strenuously main- 
tain that accidents may possibly, and occasionally do, make a thing 
appear to be what it is not ? 

What are the substances, respectively, of a piece of bread and a 
piece of beef ? Is there any such thing as a simple substance of 



either ? Are not the only known or conceivable substances of beef 
and of bread certain substances supposed to be elementary, prin- 
cipally carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen ? What difference 
is there between bread and beef other than that of the chemical and 
mechanical arrangement and relative quantities of those substances 
in the beef and in the bread ? If bread is converted into beef, as 
through being eaten by an ox, what change from bread to beef 
takes places besides the decomposition of the elementary substances 
of bread and their recomposition in the form of beef ? 

Is not the science which divides matter into substance and acci- 
dents as above defined, science of the same character as that which 
once divided it into four elements, earth, air, fire, and water ? 
Lastly, as to the accidents of matter, has matter really any accidents 
at all, except those which it is liable to meet with, such as the 
breakage ot cups and saucers, glasses, dishes, plates, windows, 
heads, limbs, ribs, collar-bones, and all the other various casualties 
too numerous to mention, whioh are wont to befal, annoy, exas- 
perate, hurt, or damage, men, animals, and things. 



Something: Like a Work of Art. 

CAJTOVA'S is a name famous in Fine Art, but of all CAWOVAS" 
works where is there one to be compared with the re-erection 
now in progress under the auspices of that famous name at Madrid, 
with the title of " Government ousting Anarchy. " 



40 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUAHT 23, 1875. 




A RARA AVIS. 

Jones. "WHO IB THAT GIRL ALL THE MEN SEEM so ANXIOUS TO BE INTRODUCED TO?" 

Brovm. "0, THAT'S Miss PYNKE. WONDERFUL WOMAN, SIB!" 

Jones. " WHAT HAS SHE DONE ? " 

Brown. " NEVER WRITTEN A NOVEL, OR CONTRIBUTED TO A MAGAZINE ! " 



PUNCH TO THE KING OF SIAM. 

FAIK greeting, Courteous Cousin mine. You are the King of Siam, 
And Punchius Hex the mighty, monarch of Fleet Street I am. 
No need, I 'm sure, of further ceremonious introduction, 
For Punch is doubtless known and read with rapture and instruc- 
tion 
As constantly in far Bangkok as 'tis in near Balmoral. 



; very friendly letter signed by 

(I hope, with all my heart, that I have spelled and scanned 

precisely 

The something prolix name of one who turns our tongue so nicely.) 
Effulgency ! your proffer is enlightened as 'tis handsome. 
And from the courteous Sovereign of a distant Eastern land, some 
Who think themselves much nearer to the civilised meridian 
Might take a profitable hint. 'Twould tax an Art Ovidian 
To sing the metamorphoses these demiurgic Sciences 
Have wrought with all their wizard spells and wonderful ap- 
pliances. 

But Science, Cousin Siam, your true Cosmopolite is ; 
And wide as Nature in its sphere its broad benignant flight is, 
And, like that often quoted " touch of Nature," kins us truly 
From here to distant Siam, as from there to farthest Thule. 
Much sneered at for its prosiness, but with its own Romance, it 
Has just been watching warily Dame Venus at her transit ; 
And is about to send a stoutly-armed but peaceful legion, 
To circumvent the icy guards of the circumpolar region. 
Punch favours undertakings of this brave and blameless genus, 
And, though he 's heard some hints that slippery Sol and tricksy 

Venus 

(As might have been expected) have been plotting to befog us, 
And in a maze of merely bogus calculations bog us, 



Yet, spite of solar shifts, or interlunar plots and pranks, it 

Is plain that Science means to win at last. KING PUNCHITTS 

thanks it. 

And now, by way, no doubt, of an agreeable variety, 
The pundits of our Royal Astronomical Society, 
And other learned bodies, have made up their minds to follow 
The little game that 's coming off 'twixt Dian and Apollo. 
With Camera, and Spectroscope, and FOUCAULT'S Siderostat, 
They mean to keep an eye upon the point the pair have crossed at ; 
And solve the secrets, stifflsh stuff for long and learned papers, 
Of chromosphere and corona, of spectra, beads, and vapours. 
Punch warmly wishes them good speed. And now, most courteous 

Cousin 

Of Siam, comes your amicable offer worth a dozen 
Palavers or State protocols, as genuine links to bind us 
And put the bad old days of white exclusiveness behind us. 
Punch promptly drinks your royal health in a stoup of right good 

Stingo, 

And though our people may not understand each other's lingo 
So well as we might wish perhaps, yet genuine love and liquor 
Are of no land or lexicon. It makes the blood run quicker 
To think that Saxons may drink hael as far as far Chinese land, 
With such a brick as you must be, Lord of the Siamese land ! 
Punch wishes his observatory (fixed so much farther west 
Than Bangkok's latitude) allowed himself to be your guest : 
But he must keep his perch, although with sympathies sporadic, 
For Nature's Nobs (you '11 understand), must not be too nomadic. 
No doubt, in that particular, we are but brother yokesmen, 
Yet be assured that Britons, through their very first of spokesmen, 
Return you hearty thanks. Accept ? By Jove, they 'd better do it 
Or certain swells shall hear of it. Good DE LA RUB would rue it 
If such a chance were slighted, and 'twould be a trifle comical 
If asinine punctilio ruled in matters astronomical. 
But Punch has not the slightest doubt the Royal men of Science 
Will be but too delighted to remit a prompt compliance 



JANUARY 23, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



41 




DIAGNOSIS. 

"I CAN TELL YOU WHAT rOU'RB SUFFERING FROM, MY GOOD FELLOW ! 
YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM AdfB!" 

A.CKNBY! WHY, THAT'S JUST WHAT THE T'OTBSR MEDICAL GENT HE 

TOLD ME! / ONLY WISH I'D NSfXR iS!f If SAX THE PLACX I '' 



THE ECCLESIASTICAL FREE-EIGHT. 

WHEN will Clericals settle 

Clash of Church-pot and kettle, 
To the tinkle of cymbals emphatic ''. 

The dogmatic free-nght, 

At no time too polite, 
Is fast growing cat and dog-matic. 

Fed with Ritual oil, 

Cleric fires counter-coil 
Hound the Church-pot, high-bubbling their mid on ; 

CAFEL hoping that first 

It will boil, and then burst, 
If by Law's stress it must keep its Lid on. 

NESTOU-NEWMAN now claims 

To pour oil oa the flames- 
Patristic, plain, pure, prater-human : 

While Rome, half-askance, 

Marks him cross GLADSTONE'S lance 
GLADSTONE impar co/iyressus to NEWMAN ! 

lirutumfulmen forth flashes 

In clerical clashes 
Of m-com-^r-<ras-iui-stantiation : 

And its senseless sounds rattle, 

Till, tired of their brattle, 
Both the .Churches one gives to cremation : 

And admires the wise Bishop, 

Who. when asked to help dish-up 
GUENEY'S Bill by a vote hot andnearty, 

Replied he was quite 

Off the cards for a fight, 
Being booked for a snug garden-party. 

Better spirting at hockey, 

Or spooning at croquet, 
Or flirting, or fun, or lawn-tennis, 

Than 'twixt High Church and Low Church, 

Breach-widening for No Church, 
" Suffrages, linguis, et pennis." 

FESSLER, DOLLTNQEB, SCHUMANN, 

MANNING, CAPEL, and NEWMAN, 
GLADSTONE, LIDDON, both Churches' free-fighters, 

In his garden could Punch, 

But once gather at lunch, 
Disarmed of pens, books, robes, and mitres 

His Sense, Wisdom, and Wit, 

For them some clue would hit 
From their maze, fenced by dogma and creed in, 

And his garden they 'd own, 

Had a right to be known 
As a genuine Garden of Eden ! 



HEBE WE Go " UP, UP, UP!" The most successful 
example of " Zeu'tation "the Daily Telegraph. 



With such right Royal bidding. May each Wise Man from the West, 
Who finds himself so lucky as to be your welcome guest, 
Resolve that one eclipse at least shall ne'er dim British brightness, 
Eclipse of English courtesy by Siamese politeness. 

WHY I GO TO CHURCH. 

FEMININE REASONS. 

BECAUSE the REV. VOLUBLE COPE intones so delightfully, and 
looks so interesting and emaciated, and preaches such delightfully 
high sermons and so sweet and short too. 

Because the little boys in white surplices chant so angelically 
and one somehow feels it all so delightfully wrong and Roman 
Catholic. 

Because my bonnet is the loveliest in the village, and it is a duty 
to show the country girls what a really tasteful thing in dress means. 

Because one likes to look at other peoples' bonnets and dresses ; 
and nothing but seeing could make one believe what execrable taste 
most English girls have ! 

Because CHARLIE is sure to be there, with that inevitable white 
flower and fern leaf in his button-hole (the ridiculous fellow !) and 
Mamma will probably ask him home to lunch. 



Because I want to see howr my Christmas decorations look. 
Because it 's Sunday, and it would look so strange to stay away. 

MASCULINE REASONS. 

Because CANON MANLEY is safe to utter some home-truth from 
the pulpit which nobody dare say out of it, and one likes to see how 
awfully scandalised the old fogies of both sexes are safe to be at it. 

Because one feels curious to ascertain to what lengths of rot old 
BOSHVILLE can go in the pulpit. 

Because one likes to see how near that young RUBBICK can get to 
Rome without actually crossing the Rubicon. 

Because, unless I go to-day, the opportunity may be lost, as if 
one is to believe my Liberationist neighbour, old JAWKINS the 
Church is safe to be disestablished, if not next week, next year at 
latest. 

Because one likes to set a good example. 

Because one catches glimpses of all the pretty girls in the 
parish. 

Because most respectable people go. 

Because I really should like to believe in something or other, only 
I haven't time to decide for myself what that something should be, 
and a fellow might get a lead at church some Sunday, perhaps. 



42 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JANUARY 23, 1875. 







DISCERNMENT. 

Toung Lady (icha has missed " The Meet"). " Do YOU KNOW WHERE THE HOUNDS ARE, ROBINS ? " 
Old Keeper (compassionately). "Y'ABE JUST TOO LATE, Miss, THE GENTLEMEN BE ALL OON !" 



AN ANCIENT CLERK. 

L 

Accounts, r _ , 

competent to conduct magisterial business in the occasional absence of the 
principal. Aged ninety -three, married ; salary moderate." Law Time*. 

THIS venerable gentleman must have discovered the Elixir of 
Life, and in the most unlikely place for it an attorney's office ! 
At ninety-three he still seeks a permanent situation ! He ought, 
certainly, to be an authority on long leases " and " life interests." 
But of all the undesirable "tenancies for life," we should have 
imagined a managing clerk's stool in an attorney's office about the 
most untempting. The application is all the stranger as the 
applicant's experience of similar situations only extends over 
twenty of his ninety-three years, so that he must have been sixty- 
three when he began office-work. Perhaps his sense of right and 
wrong was already too strong to be shaken, or his sensibilities were 
so blunted by age that he did not feel any conscience-prick from the 
work he must have had to do. 



Memo. 

THE Pal! Mall Gazette informs us that a Form of Prayer is to be 
read out on the launching of Men of War and a Service specially 
compiled for the purpose by His Grace the ARCHBISHOP OP CANTER- 
BURY. We understand that Woolwich Infants are in future to be 
christened, torpedoes to be sprinkled with holy water, gunpowder 
to be blessed by the ton, and'shells by lots of mty. 



EON MOT. 
(To be read Sardou-nically.) 

QTJELLE bonheur pour la race humaine 
A Paris on supprime La Haine ! 



THE MAN AT THE HELM. 

Saturday, January 16. 

To MR. PUNCH, 

SIR, What do I read in the Spanish correspondence of this 
morning's Times f 

" With all possible allowance for the flattery which, like Providence, doth 
' hedge a King," so long as he is fortunate, there seems to be good evidence in 
all the sayings and doings of ALFONSO THE TWELFTH, as reported hitherto, 
to induce one to believe either that he is led by very wise instincts, or that 
be is most prudently advised." 

" Prudently advised " is it ? Bedad, I believe you ! 

Look at this, a few sentences farther on 

"The Prince's Manifesto on his birthday, the happy words spoken by him, 
or at least attributed to him, in his intercourse with his friends and with 
strangers, and even the letter of thanks addressed to the President of the 
Ministry of Regency himself, come before the public under the inspiration of 
CANOVAS DEL CASTILLO and of those whom this wary counsellor had placed 
by the Prince's side, among whom we hear of one MURPHY, who ha been 
DON ALFONSO'S tutor, and who, in the quality of the young King's gentil- 
homme de chambre, is his constant attendant." 

There yon have it ! 
MURPHY 's the man ! 
Hurroo for Ould Ireland ! 

Yours, 

BRYAN O'LYNN. 



A Fact for Darwin. 

" A FACT for DARWIN ! "where, pray, can one se 
Of Man's Development a proof completer ? 

By his Infallibility Decree 
PETER'S Successor has out-Peter'd PETRE. 



THE SUN AND THE ASTRONOMER-ROYAL. Light and AIRY. 



Printed by JoM>ph fimith. of No. 30. Loraini* Road. Holloway, in th*> Parish of St. Mary, lR]in|T*on, in the County of Middlesex, ftt the Printing offic 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefnars, in tlie City Of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City c 



Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Ajrnew, & Co., Lombard 



of London. s \ 1 1 IIUAI , January 23, 1875. 



.|AN-I:.M<T 30, 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




" LE JEU NE VAUT PAS LA CHANDELLE." 

nice). " Bur I 'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE MONBT I IT VAT 

Conductor. "SLIT IN THE DOOR! WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M COIN' TO TURN THE Bus UPSIDI-DOWN FOB SIXPENCE!" 



Old Gent (having had to pay tivice). " Bur I 'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE MONBT I IT MAT PROBABLY HAVB DROPPED DOWN 

THE KL1T IN THE 1)OOR ! " 



KILLING NO MURDER. 

THE following curiosities have not yet been added to the Cata- 
logue of the British Museum. Mr. Punch is happy to he able to 
supply the deficiency : 

A. Windotclc'ss Tank. This extraordinary apartment is devoted 
to the use of the Superintendent of the Printed Book Department 
and his staff. It is lighted by sky-lights. According to the best 
medical testimony, the air of this horrible place becomes actually 
fwtid on winter afternoons, being tainted by the breaths of the 
twenty or thirty employes who work therein. According to the 
same authority, the amount of sickness among the junior assistants 
is alarming. Several have died, several are suffering in health and j 
are justly alarmed as to the ultimate effects. The late MB. WARREN 
(so says the British Midical Journal] complained repeatedly on their 
and his behalf, lie received neither sympathy nor redress. At last ' 
his medical man visited his room, and condemned it. MR. WARREN 
renewed his complaint, and quoted his authority. The British 
Medical Journal lias been informed that the answer he received 
was "How dare you bring a medical man into the Museum without 
leave of the Trustees ! " After a long time, consent was given to a 
window being cut in the wall of the room in which MB. WABBEN 
sat. This got rid of the foul air a little, but it let in killing 
draughts of cold air. MH. WARREN went on complaining for a 
time, then despaired, and slowly sank. His strength, originally 
good, became lowered. He caught cold after cold, got a cough, 
and was at length laid up. Pleurisy, pneumonia, bronchitis, came 
in turns. He had not btrength to shake them off, and so died at 
the early age of thirty-eight, looking more like forty-eight, leaving 
a widow and two children. His predecessor in office. MB. DEUTSCH, 
used to predict his own death, and say, " When I die, there will 
be something done." It will thus be seen that this windowless 
tank is not only one of the greatest curiosities in the British 
Museum, but in the whole of the civilised world. N.B. Mr. Punch \ 



recommends the acceptance of a clerkship in the Printed Book 
Department as an excellent substitute for suicide by drowning, 
charcoal, or strangulation. 

The Heads of the Printed Book Department. Very curious 
Heads indeed. According to the British Medical Journal the 
tradition of these gentlemen has been for many years past to repress 
complaints on the score that they (the Heads of the Department) 
feel no bad effects themselves from the vitiated air to be found in 
the cellars devoted to the use of their subordinates. N.B. 
Mr. Punch begs to point out that the room used by the Heads of the 
Printed Book Department is a private one with an open fire. 

The Headers in the Firtt Floor Gallery. Remarkable specimens 
of endurance. The air breathed by these enthusiasts is very 
trying. It causes throbbing of temples, chill of hands and feet, 
and is frequently provocative of nausea. If a window be opened to 
relieve these symptoms, cold draughts produce colds, rheumatisms, 
and other unpleasant maladies. H.B. Mr. Punch begs to state 
that the Readers in this gallery belong chiefly to the class of mis- 
guided persons who, often for a very poor pittance, devote their 
time and energies to the instruction and amusement of a generous 
and indulgent British Public ! 

The Board of Trustees. -By far the greatest curiosity in the 
National Collection. Besides the claim to this distinction which 
may be based on the fact that for many yean, in spite of numerous 
applications, the Trustees have paid no sort of attention to the 
representations that have been addressed to them through the 
Public Press, or other non-official channels, this title is surely 
due to the Museum Board on the score of its composition. It 
consists mainly of some of the highest and hardest- worked officials 
of the kingdom, who jet find time to superintend this great 
National Collection of Literature, Science, and Art ; and of family- 
trustees, who because their ancestors once cared for Letters or 
Arts enough to bequeath treasures of one or the other to the British 
Museum, are still considered to have a hereditary claim to share in 
its management. 



VOL. txvni. 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVA1U. 



[JANUARY 30, 1875. 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 








sing;, what shall I sing? 
Of Lawyers' wigs and 

gowns, 
Of costs, costs, and still 

more costs, 
And shillings charged 

as crowns ! 



Sing 
i 

Of 
s 
That 

may, 
To win is to lose, at Law. 



sing, what shall I 
sing ?- 

one sane bird who 
saw 
,, play, play how you 



ir. 



BOYS and girls, come out to play, 
Kriegspiel is the game to-day ! 
Bring your books and bring your brains, 
Boys and girls, and plan campaigns. 



ROBIN-A-BOBBIN was scarcely ten, 

But knew enough for a score of men ; 

His sole delight was going to school, 

Yet was ROBIN-A-BOBBIN next door to a fool. 



OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID ! 

(Dialogue between two Episcopal Labourers in the Vineyard.) 

First Labourer. I don't know how it may be with you, brother, 
I know / am worked to death. Revision meeting this morning ; 
Rubrics' Committee this afternoon; Total Abstinence platform 
on Tuesday; chair of the Borriobooloogha Shirt-extension and 
Introduction of Pocket-handkerchiefs Association Dinner on Wed- 
nesday ; the dear DUCHESS OF OMNIUM'S morning-party on Thurs- 
day and on Friday a rush into my diocese for two confirmations 
in the course of the day, and to get to LORD REREDOS'S, half a 
county's breadth from the second, in time for five o'clock tea ! 
Killing work, brother. They'll miss us, perhaps, when they 've 
used us up in this frightfully improvident and unfeeling fashion ! 

Second Labourer (sighing). Let us hope we may have some leisure 
after Government has increased our numbers ! 

First Labourer. Let us hope so (facetiously). If the Government 
improve our position, the Liberationists will say we owe it all to the 
Labourers' Union. 

Second Labourer (in the same tone). We're like them in one 
respect, at least. We also have an ARCH at our head. 

First Labourer (following up the joke). Two CANTERBURY and 
YORK ! Ha ! Ha ! But I mustn't keep the Revision Committee 
waiting. Good morning ! my dear Lord ! 

Second Labourer. Good morning, my very dear Lord. 

[Exeunt severally. 



'' Here Feel we but the Penalty of Adam. 1 ' 

As Yon Lite it. 

MB. ADAM, the Liberal Whip, has been called on to call a meet- 
ing for the choice of a Liberal Loader. Strictly correct and ap- 
propriate. ADAM, ought to have a great deal to do with naming the 
first man of Her Majesty's Opposition. 



A CALL TO CLERICALS. 

"If the Clergy could establish effectually a 'sort of general pastoral 
relation ' with the men and women of their parishes with the fathers and 
mothers thej' might safely leave the children to take care of themselves." 
Times. 

PERCHANCE 'tis too much to expect the young elves 
We call children to take perfect care of themselves : 
But all will agree that our hard-working Clerici, 
If they quite forgot ques^ns of Ritual and Heresy, 
By stooping to conquer, might leave in the lurch 
The zealots who 'd fain disestablish the Church. 

What use are their diatribes brilliant and bitter ? 

What use is their ecclesiastical glitter ? 

If the sermon that scathes, and the costume that pleases, 

Too often unite with behaviour that freezes : 

The Parson or Layman whose life 's Christianity 

A short cut has found to the heart of humanity. 

Of a parish the Church is the natural centre : 

But if there are some who that building won't enter, 

'Tis easy enough, if you '11 just condescend 

To be human, to show them the Parson 's their friend. 

He stands above wealth, nor need stoop to the door 

Of toilers like him, and oft hardly more poor. 

In Lay, high or low, let the Parsons own equals, 

And the Church need not fear any sinister sequels. 

Let the School-Boards administer discipline birchen 

To the well-chosen part of the rustical urchin, 

While the Rector or Vicar becomes what 's now rarish 

The very best friend of all ranks in his parish. 



XEW VERSION OF AN OLD PROVERB (vide RUBERY v. SAMPSON). 
Tell trnth, and pay the damages ! 



JANUARY 30, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




A STEP FARTHER. 

HINT TO YOUNG LADIES. 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

Horse can't go out I can't It 's cold The new JOB and his friends. 

As the rain comes on suddenly, and the trap has not yet returned 
from being mended, the new horse can't be tried. I ask MUBGLE 
" why the trap went to be mended." He answers, " Well, you see, 
Sir, it shifted itself like ; it 'ud ha' come down all a one side soon, 
it would." 

Suddenly I find that I am not well. 

I know it myself. So does my Aunt. Only she does not consider 
it in so serious a light as I do. She sets it down at once to "a cold." 

" I told you what it would be," she says, " you would go outside 
that gate to talk with that man CHALVEY, without putting anything 
on your head, or round your throat, and so you 've caught cold." 

Her remedies are, feet in hot water at night, hot rum before going 
to bed, and "jump into bed directly you've drank it, and keep 
yourself well covered up." This, I admit, is admirable as far as it 
goes. I don't know how far the rum goes, but that depends upon 
quantity. 

Besides, I tried this remedy once, and not being accustomed to 
spirits, least of all rum, and finding it uncommonly nice, I took 
three doses of it, one after the other. On this occasion I certainly 
kept myself well covered up at night, for I found myself in bed 
with my boots on in the morning. Mi/ cold hud gone, however. 

So as my first attempt at a medical note-book, .to be entitled, 
Every Man his own Doctor, specially suitable for this time of year, 
I put down 

Huppy Thought (for receipt}. Go to bed with your boots on. 
Also don't wind up your watch at night. I didn't. And what 's 
more, I don't exactly know how or when I got into bed. I mention 
these details because they must form part of a cure for a cold : as 
most certainly I was cured. 

The above too is a recipe for getting up with a slight headache the 
next morning ; but this does not detract from its value as a remedy 
for removing a cold. I forgot to mention, though this will be under- 
stood by a careful perusal of the foregoing remarks, that the patient 
must begin by drinking plenty of rum, hot and strong, before he 
takes his boots <;//'. Otherwise, he '11 never get to bed in his boots, 
and this I consider to be the most important item in the cure. 

However, as I said before, and as 1 feel now, I am not well. 



I haven't exactly got a headache, and yet I am not free from 
headache. 

I haven't got a regular cough, and yet I am not free from an 
irregular cough. The cough ia horridly exasperating for one 
minute twists me about till I feel like a limp corkscrew not that 
this can convey any idea to anyone of my particular sensation, so I 
will say, as I do to BOODELLS, who happens to look in (being in the 
neighbourhood), that I experience a sensation like what I can 
imagine a chicken would feel whose neck had been only half wrung, 
and who had been left on a lawn to revive as best he could. 

BOODELLS is not much of a fellow to come and sec you when 
you 're ill. It is not that he is exactly unsympathetic, but he has 
always had everything you've got now, himself, a long time ago, and 
pretends to make nothing of it. 

He is full of how he treats himself when he is taken just in the 
same way. He says to me, " My dear fellow, you give way so. 
Why, I Have a cough for more than half the year, twice as bad as 
what you 've got now, and / never lay up for it." 

Then I don't believe that his was ever half or a quarter as bad as 
mine, or he wouldn't be here now to tell me of it. BOODELLS would 
have been done for long ago. I tell him that I suffer agonies at 
intervals. He won't believe it, because he doesn't see me pale, 
emaciated, and writhing on a bed of sickness. 

I am sitting before a fire in my armchair, and (I admit it I can't 
help admitting it, much as I regret it) looking uncommonly well. 
That 's the worst of me ; however ill I am, I invariably look well, 
and always look better, and feel better, too, when a Doctor comes, 
just at the very minute when I really do want to give him a speci- 
men of how bad I can be. And why does a Doctor I mean my 
Doctor always come at meal-times just as I 'm sitting down to be 
comfortable ? 

You can't, I mean I can't, suddenly lie back helplessly in an arm- 
chair, pale and gasping, in a brocaded dressing-gown and a shirt 
open at the collar (like Louis THE FOUHTEEMTH at a bedchamber 
reception) when there 's a steaming cut off the joint with vegetables 
and a decanter of Claret before you. You can't say, " 0, Doctor, 
I 'm so ill " in the face of such a luncheon, or a late breakfast of 
similar dimensions. You must feel that to do so would irritate 
him into sending you the nastiest draught he could make up, and, 
so to speak, giving you something to be ill for. A sort of practical 
black draught joke on his part, in return for being taken away from 
his dinner, or his luncheon, or a day's outing somewhere, by a 
false alarm. I don't think that doctors, as a rule, would be 
revengeful. They are among the few people to whom I would 
subscribe for a testimonial. 

I tell BOODELLS that I have no appetite for breakfast. 

" Bah ! " he returns, quite contemptuously, " why I haven't 
known what it is to make a breakfast for years." 

" Yes," I object, rather pettishly [I feel it is pettish N.B. Make 
a note of this for my new book, Queries of Humanity, vol. i., under 
the head of " Small Causes " Why provoked by nothing, &c. ? big 
subjects], " but I am accustomed to eat a large breakfast, and when 
I fall off, it must be serious." 

"Nonsense," returns BOODELLS, "you've only got a slight oold, 
and are bilious. I dare say you over-ate yourself one day." 

Now I am annoyed. Because if there is one thing which I have 
not done it is to have over-eaten myself. 

Happy Thouyht.JHot worth replying to. Silence speaks con- 
tempt. The advantage of being a little distance from town in a 
real country place (such as is ours where my Aunt's cottage is 
situated) is that, when you are ill, your friends can come out to 
see you, and spend an hour or so with you. 

BOODELLS said, when he arrived, that if I didn't mind he 'd stop 
to dinner. I was delighted, and said. " of course." But if he 's 
going to talk so unsympathetically I really should be glad if he 
went away, unless he is going to alter his tone. Odd though, this 
sort of quarrel, or little difference with him, has made me feel 
decidedly better. I have been irritated, and this has roused me. 

It is annoying to be better when you 've sent post-cards to friends 
to come and see how ill you are. I expect MJLBUKD and CAZELL : 
also the Doctor. If they all arrive and find me not only quite well, 
but having a lively row with BOODELLS, they '11 think I 'm a hum- 
bug. They won't consider that it 's only a momentary flash, in the 
pan (so to speak) and that next minute I shall be worse than ever. 
They'll simply say, "0, you're all right!" Even JOB himself 
would have lost patience in the same situation. [On reconsidera- 
tion, if his friends had come in and found him having a row with 
another friend, of course JOB would have already lost his patience : 
so that that parallel, excellent as it appeared at first sight, won't 
stand. Add this as a note to my Queries of Humanity, under the 
head of JOB.] 



COMFOM KOK LlIIERAL COMMONS. (Ill lieU of W. E. 0., liltf 

"parent, guide, philosopher, and friend."} A FossiEX-father. 



46 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 30, 1875. 




"OMNE IGNOTUM PRO MAGNIFICO ! " 

(A. fascinating young Irish Lady, with a lovely brogue, is warbling characteristic popular ditties in the Neapolitan dialed, encouraged thereto 

by the consciousness that her enraptured audience doesn't KNOW A WORD of even ordinary Italian.) 
Enthusiastic Youth. "How AWF'LY BBAUTAF'LY YOUR SISTER SINGS, MK. O'Dowo ! How AIVF'LY VIVIDLY SHE RECALLS TO ONE'S 

MIND THB A THETHE CHIAJA, YOU KNOW, AND VESUVIUS AND THE DZBP BLUS ITALIAN SKTt" 

Mr. O'Doiad. " AH ! THIN DOESN'T SHE, SOR ! YB 'VE BEEN IN ITALY, SOR ? " 

Enthusiastic Youth. " A A A N N NO ! " 

Mr. O'Dowd. "No MORE HAVE Oi ! No MORE HAS ME SISTOR !" 



FOLLOW MY LEADEE. 

WE hare found the missing Liberal Leader, whom the National 
Education League, the Liberationist Society, and the Nonconformist 
Extreme Left are in quest of. 

It can only be MESSRS. MASKELYNE and COOKE'S PSYCHO ! 

"Psycho, says their advertisement " is a dynamic mystery;" 
that is, "a mystery of power." What "mystery of power" 
can be like the position of a leader expected to combine the power 
of his place with the absolute submission which the Liberal Left 
wing insist upon ? 

The advertisement goes on to describe " the seat" of this mys- 
terious automaton, which is said "to isolate it from the stage and 
all visible connections." Just the seat wanted for the Leader of 
these Leader-leaders. One that isolates him, to all appearance, from 
the stage or platform of his nominators. He must not be visibly in 
connection with Educational Leagues or Liberation Societies or 
Permissive Bills, or other organisations of the nature of strings or 
wires to set or keep him moving. And yet he must be as com- 
pletely under the control of these forces, as little Psycho is really 
under those of his clever wire-pullers. 

" Although purely mechanical," continues the advertisement, 
" Psycho obeys the command of the audience." 

Could there be a better description of that combination of apparent 
independence and freedom of will with absolute submission to the 
directing powers, which these Leader-makers insist on in their 
partisan Chief ? 

Head the resolutions of the late Nonconformist meetings, and 
MB. DALE'S letter, and you will see what an essential to their 
notion of leadership is this abject submission, and how independence 
is indicated as the most fatal disqualification for the post. 



Yet though purely mechanical, and obeying the commands of 
the audience, "the powers" of this wonderful puppet, we are 
assured in the same sentence " are unlimited." Exactly the ap- 
parently impossible combination wanted in a Liberal Leader, as 
indicated in the Resolutions and Correspondence already referred 
to. The party is quite ready to yield the most loyal obedience to 
any chief who will begin by absolute obedience to it. 

Lastly, we are informed that " Psycho's movements are caused 
by a secret intelligent force." So must be those of the required 
Leader. Secresy is the very soul of the force that claims to control 
him. To lay bare its springs, and thereby give the opportunity of 
gauging them, would be to destroy them. 

If the Force is intelligent, as well as secret, so much the better ; 
but intelligence is an accident, and hardly even a likely accident, 
as the last few days have taught us. Altogether we fail to find a 
candidate for the Leadership, according to the requirements ot 
MESSRS. DIXON, CHAMBERLAIN, DALE and Co., with anything like 
the claims of " Psycho." 

To Mr. Arthur Chappell. 

(On his incomparable Mondiy Popular Cunetrls.) 

I THINK, as the Hall of St. James' I enter, 

Were there many such Chapels, I 'd turn a Dissenter. 



SYNONYME SEI'TENNAIKE. 



THE Parisian Correspondent of the Times maintains that the 
Dae DE BROGLIE, and not MARSHAL MACMAIIOX, is virtually ruler. 
No wonder the Septennate is rapidly becoming an Im-Broglie-o. 



"' 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUAUY 30, 1875. 




"GOOD-BYE!" 

D-SB-LI. "SORRY TO LOSE YOU!-! SEGAN WITH BOOKS; YOU'RE ENDING WITH THEM. PERHAPS YOU'RE 

THE WISER OF THE TWO." 



JANCARY 30, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



49 



A QUESTION EASIER ASKED THAN ANSWERED. 

ESFECTED PcrNCH, 

SIB, What a 
variety of Ranks 
we find in the 
British Army ! 
There is "Sub- 
stantive " Rank 
and " Brevet " 
Rank, "Local" 
Rank and "Tem- 
porary " Rank, 
"Honorary" Rank 
and " Relative " 
Rank, "Non-Com- 
batant " Rank 
ranking with 
" Combatant " 
Rank, but junior 
of that rank except for choice of quarters, if you think I am a rank 
impostor, Sir, read "Hart" for yourself. But notwithstanding all 
these gradations of rank in our Army many of them held by very 
old tiles indeed what I would ask you is, Where is THE Rank 
and File ? 

t ' I pause for a reply, and keep BURNS on the " guinea stamp " for a 
future occasion. 

I am, Sir, &e., &c., 
Recruiting Department, Jan. 1>X7">. IEATE RANKER. 




ANTI-PROCRUSTES. 

" He wag not going to be ao unreasonable as to judge every man by a sort 
of .Procrustean standard. He could make allowance for men who were not 
protected by the external circumstances of their lives against intemperance 
as he was himself. It would be nothing less than a scandal and disgrace if 
anyone heard of him (the Bishop) being drunk. He did not mean to say that 
he did not enjoy a friendly glass of wine at the hospitable table of the Chair- 
man (Ma. WBBB) that evening ; but MB. WEBB would have been ashamed of 
him, and he would have been ashamed ever to see MR. WEBB again, if he had 
BO far forgotten himself at his table as to take glass after glass of wine after 
he had taken as much as he could with safety. But it was not everyone who 
could sit down, as he had done that evening, where there were so many of 
the best comforts. All men had not the same protection that he had. At 
his own home he had a library of books and various ways of occupying his 
leisure hours in the evening. He did not go home to a one-roomed house, and 
find his wife undressing the children, or perhaps finishing off the lingering 
details of the day's washing, voting him rather a bore, and wishing him to 
make himself scarce for an hour." BISHOP OF MANCHESTER. 

" A BISHOP drunk ! Terrific scandal 
For Liberationists to handle ! 
And yet a Bishop likes to dine, 
And excellent is WEBB'S port wine." 

For this home-truth thank BISHOP FRAZBR, 
Speaker of sound sense, and no phraser 
3f all the drunkenness we rue, 
Worst part to cheerless homes is due. 

You, my Lord, having lectured sinners, 
Come home to snuggest of snug dinners, 
Sped with mild jests, decorous laughter, 
Crowned with your daughters' music after. 

In the dull pelt of rainy weather, 
Rare volumes, bound in Russia leather, 
Light up the gloom for you with glow 
From the great lights of long ago. 

With a wise tolerance yon look 

On those who 've ne'er been brought to book ; 

On lives of all work and no play ; 

Homes, where 'tis always washing-day. 

To check those who, so driven, drink deep, 
You do not to compulsion leap, 
By the short out and sharpened claws 
Of WILFRID LAWSON'S wilful laws. 

Sound sense not one of lay monopolies 
You prove, my Lord of Cottonopolis ; 
To whom abuse of malt and hops is 
Not crime's brief abstract or synopsis. 

Who know the way one fire to smother, 
Nine times in ten 's to light another : 



Till the good llame puts out the bad. 
And the sane pleasure ousts the mad 

Till, slattern changed to pattern wife, 
Home takes the place of public life : 
And self-respect, can read and think, 
And, wonder what 's the joy of drink. 



A GOOD WORD FOR A GOOD CAUSE. 

MK. PUNCH presents his compliments to the British Public, and 
begs to call attention to the position of HENRY LAMONT and JOHN 
HOOPEB, the two most miraculously preserved of the crew of the 
La Plata. HEKUT LAMONT is unable to sleep without the strongest 
narcotics, and when awake, is subject to sudden fits of fainting. 
The legs and feet of both the sufferers are so swollen and painful, 
that neither can hope to gain a livelihood by their own exertions 
for many months to come. Under these circumstances Mr. Punch 
has no hesitation in informing the British Public that a La Plata 
Survivors' Fund is open for contributions, at MESSES. HERim:s, 
FARQUHAB, & Co., Bankers, 16, St. James's Street. 



NED HAUL YARD. 

( With Apologies to the late MR. DIBDIN, and Compliments to 
MR. PLIMSOLL, jM.P.) 

THE wind was fair, the sea not high, 

The sunshine bright, and blue the sky ; 

As the o'erladen vessel weighed, 

NED HAULYARD sung, or rather said, 
" A Sailor's life 's no life for me ; 
He takes his duty tremblingly : 
The winds may whistle, he can't sing, 
Because the load-line's not the thing." 

Quick shorten sail : the gale comes on ; 

The worn old canvas rends is gone ! 

The deck-load, loose, drifts to and fro, 

And NED sings on his watch below, 
" A Sailor's life 's no life for me 
Duty ain't pleasure not at sea ! 
If wind gets up, a chap can't sing 
Deck-loads and old sails ain't the thing." 

"Aleak! aleak!" the word is past ; 
" Six foot i' the well, and rising fast ! " 
"Turn up all hands ! " see HAULYABD jump, 
And growl, while cargo chokes the pump, 
A Sailor's life 's no life for me ; 
He takes his duty grudgingly : 
If winds can whistle, he can't sing, 
'Cause why P The pump-gear ain't the thing." 

But ill-found ships find 'neath the wave 

For selves and owner's sins a grave : 

Poor NEDj preserved with a few more, 

Sings, as in rap he steps ashore, 

"A Sailor s life 's no life for me ; 
I 've had enough of the salt sea : 
To MUSTER PIIMSOLL'S tune I sing, 
Our Merchant Service ain't the thing." 



Very much Wanted. 

T EADER. Wanted, in a Nobleman's and Gentleman's Family, 
J-J where a permanent " Whip" is kept, a thoroughly responsible 
person to take the place of Leader. He must be circumspect in his 
policy, temperate in his language, and understand, in all its 
branches, the art of making himself generally popular. He must 
be a member of the Church of England, but on religious matters 
his views must be strictly moderate. The terms will be Liberal, 
and the highest political and social references will be reauired. For 
all further particulars application to be made immediately at the 
Reform Club. A fine opening for a young man of high rank, tact, 
good manners, and amiable character. 



OX BEADING AN EMINENT FRENCHMAN'S VTEW8 OF 
LITERATURE. 



POLISH 



OUR English critics their dull wits keep straining ; 
When " Enter TAINE ! "and all is entertaining ! 



CITY AND ABCHrrECTiTBAL. The proper height of a Times 
" Money" column above suspicion. 



50 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAR 



[JANUARY 30, 1875. 




VAULTING AMBITION. 

MB. MOTF'S MASK BUSSES AT HER FENCES, AND STOPS MUFF GOES ON. 



THE BRITISH BOOT. 

A NEW NATIONAL SONG. 
Are" The True British Brute." 
O THE proud British name 'tis a glory to bear, 
So suggestive of all that is manly and fair ! 
The brave British Flap we have flaunted unfurled, 
Till that bright bit of bunting's the " bore" of the -world ! 
And who has been ever yet found to resist 
That modern Thor's hammer, the true British fist ? 

But now we must sing 

Unite a different thing-, 

Long the lord of the seas and the pride of the Ring, 
Let JOHN ButL, with the world and his wife at his foot, 
Lift a psean in praise of the stout British Boot ! 
" There 's nothing like leather ! " We used to proclaim 
That the knife was a sin the savate was a shame. 
Our foes to chastise, or to chasten our wives, 
What so manly and frank as a right " bunch of fives," 
Shot straight from the shoulder ? We ' ve altered all that, 
We stick, and we kick in despite of the Cat ! 

No horn'd epidermis 
So hard and BO firm is, 

For " nobbling " our wives, such the delicate term is, 
As the thick leather sole, with stiff " uppers " to suit, 
Of that sweetest of weapons, the stout British Boot ! 

Are our spouses remiss ? We '11 their memory jog 
With a brisk application of Lancashire clog ; 
That is better than manual punches or " fibs " 
To smash in and settle importunate " ribs " ! 
Effective enforcer of marital rights, 
Companion and backer in " five to one " fights '. 

Our old British pluck 

Has decidedly struck, 

In enlisting your service, a new vein of luck. 
Pint-pot, knuckle-duster, and PAT'S oaken " shoot," 
All pale in thy glory, thou stout British Boot ! 



British pluck ! Why, of course we 're the bravest of men, 

We bulldoggy Britons ! With tongue and with pen 

We 've been telling the universe that, for so long ! 

In each patriot speech, and each national song. 

What a theme it has been for sell-soaping and bounce. 

Yes, we know our unique fighting-weight to an ounce ! 

'Tis a militant land, 

And we keep in our hand 

By thumping our women and weaklings. That s grand. 
Aid not only our hand we '11 keep in. but our foot, 
By a liberal use of the stout British Boot ! 

Unmanly ? Pah ! Out on such sugary stuff ! 
JOHN BULL is no " molly " ; he 's best m the rough. 
Your " chivalry " means, as a matter of course, 
Just depriving a chap of the use of his force. 
Nature favours a fellow with vigorous muscles, 
To give him the pull of the women in tussles. 

Legs sturdy and thick 

Were intended to kick, 

(We are learning that lesson in time double quick,) 
And, as toes may be tender, we '11 furnish each toot 
With the rough's vade mecum, the stout British Boot 

There are fools who aver that the chap is a cur 
Who 'd admonish his wife with a kick or a purr ; 
That the Cat is a creature too good for the dog 
Who would smash his wife's ribs in with brazen-bound clog. 
Most absurd, for all Britons are brave, and the kick 
Is becoming their favourite militant trick. 
We must alter our song, 
" Hearts of Oak," true as strong, 
Have monopolised chorus and cheer far too long. 
Let us sing, let us shout for the leather-shod foot, 
And inscribe on our Banners " The Stout British Boot ! 



SOMETHING LIKE A MOVE (in the Spanish game). King to his 
wn square : Cheque to everybody ! 



JANUARY 30, 1875.] 



ITXCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



51 




A HINT. 

"I WISH 7 WAS A PODDING, MAMMA?" 

"WHY?" 

'"CAUSE I SHOULD HAVK SUCH LOTS OF SUGAR rtrr INTO MB.' 



NOTE FOE DR. NEWMAN. 

IT may be hoped that DR. NEWMAN'S reply; to MB. GLADSTONE'S pamphlet will satisfy 
ME. GLADSTONE, and not only him, but likewise LORD CAMOYS and MR. HENB.Y PETRE. 
In answering the attack of the ex-Premier, DR. NEWMAN will probably be found to have 
poured a quantity of oil on the troubled waters which it has raised. That is to say, if 
the POPE will vouchsafe to endorse his answer. Infallibility itself alone can authoritatively 
explain itself. DR. NEWMAN, although Doctor Doctissimus, is still merely a private doctor. 
Perhaps, then, it may please His Holiness to certify the explanations of DR. NEWMAN, 
and consecrate his oil. 

But Mr. Punch must say that he would not stand having his own infallibility ex- 
plained away as DR. NEWMAN has explained the POPE'S. If Punch were the POPE, and 
could not read any more than he now can between DR. NEWMAN'S lines, he would, with all 
his admiration for the skill exerted in composing them, simply excommunicate their 
author for his pains ; at least, as soon as he would LORD ACTON. 

But that is neither here nor there. Regarded from a purely critical point of view. 
DR. NEWMAN'S vindication of Roman Catholic loyalty is replete with his usual charms of 
style, which render it delightful reading for any thinking person, how widely soever he 
may dissent from the premises of the writer's dexterous argument. It is a work which not 
only ought to lie upon every gentleman's table, but might also be a companion to the 
boudoir of any lady with reasoning powers and a taste for serious subjects. 

To suggest the alteration of so much as a single word in a writing of DR. NEWMAN'S 
would be, for any living mortal, the height of presumption. Mr. Punch has, neverthe- 
I less, not the slightest hesitation in proposing for the consideration of DR. NEWMAN and his 
readers the replacement of one little monosyllable by another in the following passage : 

"BASIL, on the Imperial Prefect's crying out, 'Never before did any man make so free with me,' 
answered, ' Perhaps you never before fell in with a bishop ? ' " 

Mr. Pnni-1, ventures to suggest a conjectural emendation of the text quoted, of course 
exactly, by DR. NEWM \N. For " Perhaps you never before fell in with a bishop," suppose 
we read, "Perhaps you never before fell out with a bishop." Surely it was rather wnen 



anyone fell out with a bishop of the fourth 
century that the bishop would be likely 
to tell .that person his mind. 

ELM V. WILLOW. 

I'D sooner hear about cremation 
Than SEYMOUR BADEN'S innowation ; 
'Cause why the former is a matter 
Much more unlikelier than the latter : 
Too sure of 'arrowin' parties' feelins 
In practice for to 'urt our de-alms. 

Besides to urns from coffins turnin' 
Would still leave room for profits earam 
To whosoever was their maters, 
Which that might be the undertakers, 
Who likewise could their business vary 
To stonemason and statuary. 

I But " earth to earth " enclosed in wicker, 
That earth may turn to earth the quicker, 
And not, while slow it decomposes, 
Infect no persons' 'ealth and noses, 
Would soon reduce the undertaker, 
Lor' bless us! to a basket -maker. 

This talk of change from helm to willow 
Have cost me many a sleepless pillow. 
The cry is likewise " No more leaden 
Hair-tight enclosures for the dead 'un. 
Suppose sich shabby alterations 
Consented to by mean relations ! 

Why, next they '11 fancy copses able; 
To do without the plumes of sable, 
Which nods so noble over 'earses. 
Then more to save survivors' purses, 
Mutes, scarfs, gloves, 'atbands soon, will 

foller, 
And fust-class funerals be thought 'oiler. 

Some advocates the introduction 

Of boxes of a light construction. 

Says 'twould do that for which they ask it 

As fully as a wicker basket ; 

Spreadm' decay without infection ; 

To which I have the same objection. 

Yah ! who 'd inter friends that ' well off in 
A deal shell a mere pauper's coffin, 
Would show, so stingy and 'ard 'arted, 
No more respect for the departed ; 
But cut down funeral expenses 
On sanitary false pretences ? 

Don't say that them in oak as slumbers 
Continues addin' to their numbers : 
Pia'nin' their neighbours' hair and water, 
While our line profits by the slaughter : 
That friends, with funeral costs o'er-laden, 
Calls for this plan wrote up by HADEN. 

No it's the want of faith and feolin' 
With all old institootions dealin ! 
First on the Church it made assault, 
Now it attacks church-yard and wault ! 
The babes that 's in our bosomi warmed 
No more '11 see " funerals performed 1 " 



Well Named. 

BY help of the Court Circular we follow 
with great interest the movements of the 
GRAND DUKE SERGE, fifth brother of thu 
DUCHESS OF EDINBURGH, now visiting 
our island. " SERGE " does not sound a 
particularly Imperial name, but how ap- 
propriate to a brother of our own Eussia 
Duck ! 

SUGGESTED CHANGE or NAME (in tieto of 
recent events). Footpaddington. 



AN INCORRIGIBLE IXFANT (note admitted 
everywhere.') Europe iu Arms. 



52 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JANUARY 30, 1875. 



BIRDS OF A FEATHER. 



shortly relinquish the position he at present holds in one branch of 
Public Life that he may become the managing director of a famous 
THE resignation of MB. GLADSTONE of the Leadership of the distillery. 

Liberal Party, in order that that eminent Statesman may be able There is no truth ra the report that the Board of Directors of the 
to devote the remainder of his life to peace and quietness, having Great Western .Railway Company are about to resign office in order 



given rise to many 
rumours, Mr. Punch 
has much pleasure 
in making the fol- 
lowing announce- 
ments : 

There is no troth 
in the report that 
KING ALPHONSO will 
immediately abdi- 
cate the Throne of 
Spain, with a view 
to completing the 
studies he recently 
commenced at Sand- 
hurst. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 

MABSHALMCMAHON 

intends to give up 
the Presidentship of 
the French Govern- 
ment, in order that 
he may become 
qualified for a Com- 
mission in the Prus- 
sian Army. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
PRINCE VON Bis- 
MABCK will resign 
the Imperial Chan- 
cellorship of Ger- 
many, so that he 
may be appointed 
Private Secretary 
to COTJKT HARRY 
ABNIM. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
MR. ALDERMAN 
STONE purposes re- 
tiring prematurely 
from the office of 
Lord Mayor of the 
City of London, in 
order that he may 
give his undivided 
attention to the 
production of a new 
French Grammar for 
the use of Schools. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
MB. WHALLEY is 
about to retire from 
the Representation 
of Peterborough, in 
order that he have 
leisure to devote his 
energies to the pre- 
paration of an Essay 
upon the ORTON 
Trial suitable for 
publication in either 
the Tablet or the 
Catholic Standard. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
DR. LIDDON will 
soon cease to be a 
Canon of the Church 
of England, in order 
that he may become 
a " big gun" in the 




A MERE TRIFLE." 

First Lmrpool Rough. "I SOY, BEEL, WHAT'UL THEE GIT FOR THIS 'ERE?' 
Second Liverpool Rouqh (who has beaten his Wife within an inch of her life). 

OR MAVRF._ HAM IT. AC ' A n vnn \xr A i T n\>rx.-<-' TIT 4 -w T j-n- no I.-T>,..., , , . ,, *, . .. 



BOB MAYBE, SAME AS 
SMARTER-LOIKE ! " 



FOIN O* TEN 
'AD FOR WALLOPING THAY JACKASS, THOUGH AH 'VE GIVED IT TO 'EK 



that they may be- 
come the founders of 
a new Accident In- 
surance Association. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
MB. CHATTERTON, 
of the Theatres 
Royal Princesses, 
Adelphi, and Drury 
Lane intends to re- 
tire from theatrical 
management that 
he mav have time to 
publish an elaborate 
pamphlet in defence 
of the London mu- 
sic-halls. 

There is no truth 
in the report that 
LORD JOHN MAN- 
NERS will retire from 
the Post Master 
Generalship in 
order that he may 
be able to accept the 
Chairmanship of the 
Civil Service Agita- 
tion Committee. 

Lastly, there is 
not the slightest 
vestige of truth in 
the report that MR. 
DISRAELI, at the 
opening of Parlia- 
ment, will relin- 
quish the Premier- 
smp in order that 
he may give hia cor- 
dial co-operation to 
MR. GLADSTONE in 
the task (so difficult 
to a veteran states- 
man) of speaking to 
nobody and doing 
nothing except 
writing ! 



Plus de Manche ! 

THE Tunnel under 
the Channel is to 
be an accomplished 
fact, money, ma- 
chinery, human and 
horse-power, the 
pluck of England 
and France, and the 
bottom of the Straits 
of Dover permitting. 
A convention is con- 
cluded between 
English and French 
Companies for driv- 
ing the preliminary 
drift- way, and the 
requisite Bill is to 
be laid before the 
Chambers at once. 
" Sic vosnon robis." 
M. THOME DE GA- 
MON suggested a 
Channel Tunnel 
five-and-thirty 
years ago, and was 



Kensington Establi8nment P reside d r by MONSIGNOBE CATEL at pooh-poohed as adreamer.. Hejsslill living, in oTdTg/and poverty! 

There is no truth in the report that MR. SAMUEL PLIMSOLL, 
will retire from Parliamentary agitation, in order that he 
become a partner in a firm of rather " unfortunate " shipowners. 



There is no truth in the report that SIK WILFRID LAVSON will 



i Then the idea of tunnelling the Channel was voted all gammon,. 
, M.P., now it is " only a question of money." Poor old M. GAMON may 
le may say, " I did not Gammon ? I have been out-Gammoned ! " 



FEMALE THEOLOGIANS." Caroline Divines." 



Printed by Joiepb Smith, of .V 
Street, in r 



Mt r < InJ'ln'tnP r^V" ? 6 Par i,' h "H,", ''I;?- "I"**", i" the County of Middl-,, .t the Printing Office, of Meiers. Bradbury, Agnew, & Co., Lombard, 
efujrn, m the City ol London, and published by Mm at Ho. 85,Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.-gTUKu.i , January iO, 1875. 



FEBRUARY 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



53 



LEADING AND MISLEADING. 




LIIIL f V '. E CCl 



la 't that JOHN BULL more wise has grown, 
Muri) wary as he has waxed older, 

Or that your ancient cunning's flown 
Of hard straight hitting from the shoulder ? 

Liberals, of Church-cloth or Dissent's, 

Hound the old flag'we hoped you 'd rally ; 
And lo, upon Establishments 

From Fox's Fort a Quaker sally ! 
Stray sheep we thought you would have fired 

With wisdom to select a shepherd, 
A cowed host with new hopes inspired ; 

And lo, we have the Church black-peppered ! 

As cold as cold-drawn castor-oil, 
Fall your invective, and your sneer, 

Save where, to apathy a foil, 
Speech too strong finds too ready ear. 



OHN BRIGHT, in tor- 
pid ears you 
blow; 

The age of mira- 
cle* ii put. 

The walls of the 
Church-Je- 
richo 

Totter not to 
your trumpet- 
blast. 



The Brums may muster lungs to shout, 
Though they must be hard whipped for 
lr< >tliing ; 

But outside Liberals ask, in doubt, 
Is 't they or you that have learnt nothing ? 

Were there no fractures to rejoint, 

No cheering retrospects to turn to, 
No prospects of good work to point, 

No nearer fields of fight to adjourn to ; 
No impudent cooks' combs to cut, 

No weak and wavering knees to brace up, 
No doors upon defeat to shut, 

No failures to their founts to trace up ? 

But you must prove BRIGHT can be dull, 

And in the wrong sense wake Dissent, 
Waving, in vain hope to rouse Bull, 

The red rag of Establishment. 
Discord's sour apple throwing down, 

Twixt Church and Chapel ground that 

grows, 
Bidding Dissent crack Church's crown, 

And Church fisti smite Dissenting nose. 

Not that Church isn't oft stiff-necked, 

Uppish and ofHh, cold, exclusive, 
Split here and there 'twixt sect and sect, 

Still your deduction is delusive ; 
While second-best is to be had, 

Doubtful improvements wise men shun. 
\\ hose common sense votes Church so bad, 

That 't would be better were there none ? 

There runs a tale how Knight with Knight 

Fought on a point each scorned to yield, 
\Vlii'ther 'twas or, or argent bright, 

Blazoned a certain target's field. 
They fought, they full, but ere they died, 

Some kind friend brought to them a 

Sergeant- 
Of-Arms, who showed them the one side 

Of the shield or, the other argent. 

So with Church charge and counter charge 

Of dirt-pies flung of old stale dish- 

ups . 

'Tis but the two sides of the targe, 

Turned, one to BRIGHT, one to the Bishops, 
' ' White and all White." the Bench discerns, 

Where "Black and all black," BRIGHT 

can see ; 
Neither the piebald target turns, 

In " truth on both sides " to agree. 



A GROWL FROM THE Zoo. 

The Garili'im, Ji'i'yi'iit's Park, 
WOHTHV MR. ToKCH, Jan. 22, 1875. 

WE write to you as the literary representative of our dear 
friend and relative the Great British Lion. We have to complain, 
Sir, of the conduct of the Council of the Zoological Society. For 
some years it has been perfectly well known to Naturalists that the 
space afforded to us for recreation in the Gardens adorned with our 
presence is utterly inadequate to our requirements. One of our 
number, some little time since t got hold of a fragment of an old 
copy of the Pall Mull (lunette (it was thrown to him as a covering 
to a stale bun), and what did he >ead in that fragment? Why, 
this that many of the lions' skins presented to one of your National 
Museums were found to be worthless, because the original owners of 
the skins in question had died from the effects of want of proper 
exercise in the Zoological Gardens, in which they had been exhibited 
to an admiring public ! 

Well, Sir, we hoped that something was at last being done for us- 
there were rumours in our dens to that effect. Hope, nowever, tola 
a flattering tale, as you will see by the following extract from a 
newspaper we found artfully concealed in the peel of an orange : 

"The Council announced to the meeting that they had entered into a con- 
tract with Messrs. J. SIMPSOK AND SON, builders, for the erection of a new 
lions' house in the Society's gardens, which they trusted would be completed 
and ready for the reception of the animals by the let of November next. 

Why the 1st of November ? Surely we need not wait until that 
distant date for the necessary alterations. 



Really, Sir, it is too bad. Even that miserable impostor, the 
Northumberland House Lion, has now comfortable quarters in Isle- 
worth, and yet we (if the present inclement season of the year be 
taken into consideration) are literally "left out in the cold!" 
you would kindly persuade a deputation from "the Council" to 
wait upon us chez nous, we think- we could easily convince those very 
dilatory persons that we are very angry with them indeed ! Gurrroo- 
owl ! THE LIONS OF THE ZOOLOOICAX GARDENS. 



University College of Wales. 

" THE half-yearly meetings of the Governor* of this College were held at 
Aberystwith last week. LORD AHKRDARB was unanimously elected the first 
President of the Institution." Timti, January 27. 

AN Alma Mater in Welsh hat and habit ! 

It won't be ABERDARE'S fault if she fails ; 
Let TAFFY, while he toasts his native rabbit, 

Toast, too, the University of Wales. 

Nor only toast, with men and means assist her, 
And send her students, sharp wits and well strung : 

And prove, if Dublin be " the Silent Sister," 
His Alma Mater has both brains and tongue. 



Xtw Lights for Old Ones. A new Anglican Ecclesiastical story, 
hy a Canon of St. Paul's, author of A Littr/nn and AM Wonderful 
Lamp. 



VOL. T.XVTTT. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 6, 1875. 




JUICE OF THE GRAPE. (?) 

Youth. " CRAS'I-A; WHAT 'a THE MEANING OF ' GLASS OP POKT WINK FKOM 
THX WOOD ' 1 " 

Gran'pa (Gentleman of the Old School). " LOGWOOD, MY DBAR BOY, NOW-A- 
DATS I LOGWOOD ! LOGWOOD ! ! " [Chuckles. 



THE COLOUR-SERGEANTS COMPLAINT. 

THERE are!some"who like the sable coat, 

Some to the blue are wed, 
But of all the coats to wear, I vote 

For the QUEEN'S own glorious red. 
Where, a riddled rag, St. George's flag, 

Endured the battle's brunt, 
"Where shot and shell the deadliest fell, 

The redcoat was still in front. 

And wherever I go, among ladies soft, 

Or gentry frank and free, 
I think, as I bear that flag aloft, 

None dare look down on me ! 
And I feel, with the red coat on my back, 

And the glorious flag I bear, 
That while the two to each other are true, 

They both can go anywhere. 

But I have lived to find I 'm wrong : 

There 's one place they can't go 
That 's to West End stalls, and music-halls, 

In the five and three shilling row. 
And London's Managers can boast 

What no foe has done to do 
Keep out Old England's Rank and File, 

And her " Non-Commissioned " too ! 

Now, there 's red Guards and blue, and black-guards 
too, 

But I hold it for a shame, 
lied blue and black to clap all on a back, 

And call 'em all the same. 
Though there's ALDERMANCARD EN, the London beak, 

Thinks that delivering letters 
Is the work for decent lads to seek, 

And that Postmen are Guardsmen's betters. 

Xow I fail to see why it should be 

So much worse a thing to do, 
To earn Q,UEEN'S bread as Guardsmen in red, 

Than as letter-carriers in blue. 
But while to soldiers in uniform 

Stalls and Boxes are 'taboo'ed, 
BULL may well feel wroth at the sight of red cloth, 

And GARDEN to it be rude. 



THE ROYAL SPEECH ANTICIPATED. 

THE Royal Speech may be expected to open with an expression of 
regret at the re-assembling of Parliament having by some strange 
inadvertence been fixed for a Friday, and with a hope that so ill- 
omened a commencement may not exercise a prejudicial influence on 
the progress of legislation and the conduct of public affairs. 

A graceful reference will in all probability then be made to the 
retirement of the Leader of the Opposition, and words of kindly 
condolence offered to the Prime Minister on his recent attack of 
gout. 

Our relations with Foreign Powers will next be represented as 
most amicable and delightful the enlightened liberality of the 
KI>-G OF SIAM in inviting our astronomers to visit his dominions for 
the purpose of observing the forthcoming total eclipse of the sun 
being noticed with appropriate expressions of approval. The un- 
settled state of parties in France, the conflict between the civil and 
ecclesiastical powers in Germany, the critical turn of affairs in 
Spam, the immense armaments of all the great Continental Powers 
of Europe, and the enthusiastic reception accorded to DEPUTY 
GARIBALDI by the people of Rome, will be severally reviewed and 
freely handled. 

The principal domestic events which have occurred since Parlia- 
ment was prorogued in the autumn will then be touched upon due 
prominence being assigned to the visit of the LORD MAYOR and 
Sheriffs to the city of Paris, the efforts made by the LORD CHAM- 
BERLAIN to purify the stage and elevate the drama, the scientific 
expeditions despatched from this and other countries to observe the 
-transit of Venus, the admission of the Fiji islands into the bosom 
of the British family, the visit of BISHOP COLENSO, the publication 
ot recent ecclesiastical and theological letters and pamphlets, and 
the provision of smoking carriages by the Metropolitan Railway. 

inen will follow the paragraphs invariably addressed to the House 

Commons alone, bearing on the revenue and estimates. A re- 
commendation to devote a portion of any surplus there may arise 



of income over expenditure towards throwing open the Tower of 
London free, at least one day in the week, and encouraging, by 
a liberal grant an improved system of National Cookery amongst the 
middle and humbler classes, may be looked for at this stage of the 
Speech. 

A statement of the more important Ministerial measures in pre- 
paration or contemplation will succeed. Parliament will be invited 
seriously to address itself to the question of the removal of Temple 
Bar. The] vigorous encouragement of oyster- culture will be pressed 
upon its notice. The condition of the streets after heavy rain or 
snow will be shown to demand instant attention. The growing 
rapacity of lodging-house keepers at our marine and inland watering- 
places will form the subject of an immediate restrictive enactment ; 
and the necessity of giving masters and mistresses some protec- 
tion against their domestic servants will be strongly enforced. 
Should the state of public business justify their introduction, other 
measures will be brought forward during the Session for stimulating 
and developing the artistic and scientific culture of the entire adult 
population of these islands, for beautifying and embellishing our 
large towns and cities, for laying down noiseless pavements in busy 
thoroughfares, for exercising some control over gas, water, and 
railway companies, and for bestowing on the three or four millions 
of people who compose what is called "London," the benefits of 
proper municipal government. 

The Royal Message will probably conclude with an earnest appeal 
to all parties to abstain from useless speeches, and to forego famuiar 
quotations. 

Well Named. 

FROM MESSRS. SMART AND CROFTON'S very interesting vocabulary 
and grammar of the English Gipsy tongue (just published by 
MESSRS. ASHEH), we see that the intelligent Romanies have 
christened Lancashire the " Peero-dillin-tem," which, in their 
tongue, means the "foot-giring (i. e., kicking) country." 



FEBRUARY 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



55 




A FINAL CAUSE. 

Customer (who wishes to return a Horse he IMS lately bought). " HE'S KICKED THE CARRIAGE INTO LUCIFER MATCHES, AND NO ox 

DARES GET ON HIS BACK. WHAT HE WAS MADE FOR, I CAN'T THINK ! " 

Dealer. " To SELL, I SHOULD SAT." 



Cjmrles fthtgslej). 



BORN AT HOLNE, DEVON, JUNE 21, 1819 ; DIED AT EVERSLEY, 
HANTS, JANUARY 23, 1875. 

BORN in green Devon, nursed by her blue sea, 
His heart, fed on her fairness and her fame, 

Beat true to out-door life and nature free. 
And thrilled to great deeds of our English name. 

If Saxon e'er was Saxon to the core 
In hat* of wrong, in trustfulness of right, 

In strong man's sympathy with strength, nor more 
In good man's love for good, as in God s sight 

This man was Saxon ; Saxon too his love 

Of wild things and wild sports by wood and wold : 

To ride, shoot, speak the truth, he ranked above 
Most arts, as did the Persian chiefs of old. 

Out of a youth unfettered, frank, and free, 
Came swift strong manhood, not without the storms 

That clear the sky, if they stir up the sea 
To level barriers and give shores new forms. 

His faith in good, his trust in God's great ends, 
Or so he deemed them, urged him fearless on, 

Through tracts of strange thought and new toil, while 

friends 
Frowned on the rashness that so wild had gone. 

Not knowing what true needle, lead-line, chart, 
Guided him, sounding on his trackless way, 

Till in their fealty to that manly heart 
Destroyers learnt to build, scoffers to pray. 



He felt, and told, the ferment of our life ; 

Showed the same leaven swelling, fast and far, 
In later Egypt's Alexandrine strife, 

New faiths with old creeds then, as now, at war. 

He raised strong Saxon HEREWARD from death, 
In his grey shroud of mist from mere and fen ; 

Called up the England of ELIZABETH, 
With DRAKE and RALEIGH, chiefs of Devon men. 

Led us from Western combes to tropic isles, 
Where giant cosmic forces have dwarfed man ; 

Taught us to trace, in Nature's frowns or smiles, 
At home, abroad, signs of an all-wise plan. 

Life, teaching, preaching, all tuned to one key, 
Of cheerful trust in God and hope for men ; 

Of faith that Earth more near to Heaven would be, 
If from no height gained we fall back again. 

A Churchman stanch, yet whose church-door stood wide 

For Christians of ail creeds to enter in. 
A village Pastor, though on every side 

His nock ranged far as voice or pen could win. 

Lightly let who will rate a life so sped, 
Of sympathies so sweeping, faith so wide, 

England has juster measure for the dead 
As she stands mourning at his coffin's side, 

And notes how short the life so well employed, 
Its thread cut mid-way fifty and three score, 

And counting all he felt, toiled, loved, enjoyed, 
Scarce grieves to think his cup can hold no more. 



CANON LIDDOS'S " Fuwoi." Sham pinions for flying to Rome with 



56 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 6, 1875. 




NOVELTY IN COIFFURES. 

SUITABLE FOR LADIES CALLED TO THE BAR (AS THEY SOON WILL BE, 
OF COUKBE). 



NO LEGS. 

A Novel. By the Author of " The Frozen Finch," " Poor Miss 
Thoroughfare," " Man and Deep," Sfc., #e. 



CHAPTER XXX. 
Working Out a Mystery. 

I STARTED to my feet. "Whenever I used my feet in his presence 
poor misshapen being that he was I felt as though guilty of some 
gross unkindness. 

" Sit down," said DEXTERRIMUS TWISTER, quietly. 

I sat down, and, drawing my shawl over my shoulders, recovered 
myself a little. 

Look at me ! " he said. " I am like necessity. At all events, I 
am necessary to you. How am I like necessity ? I will tell you. 
Not as the mother of invention. Xo. But as having No Legs. 
Necessitas non habet legs." 

" You hinted," I said, " at your suspicions. Excuse me if I seem 
to imply that, in your unfortunately crippled state, you have 

He caught me up at the point where 1 hesitated, and finished the 
sentence. 

" I have nothing to go upon, you would say ? " 

I nodded affirmatively. 

"You are right," he replied. "I have nothing to go upon. I 
have no legs. Yet I have good ground for my suspicions. Suspicions 
can travel where legs can not. Now tell me, do No Legs suggest 
No Body ? " 

" Your words point at somebody," I answered. "At whom?" 
' ' In my anxiety I stooped forward suddenly, and brought my 
marble brow in sharp contact with the mantelpiece. 

"You have hit it!" cried the strange creature. "You are a 
wonderful woman ! " 

I admitted this. He was speaking the truth. So far I owned to 
myself that he could be trusted. 

" Whom do you suspect? " I asked. 

'Foot Note by the Editor. Incompliance with the Author's wishes we 
publish this one chapter only. In justice to him we extract it from the 
middle and most interesting part of the story. Our agreement with the 
Author was, in the first place, for a purely original story ; secondly, we were 
not bound to publish it unless we liked it ; thirdly, we were in no case bound 
either to return his manuscript, or to give him any special honorarium; as 
he having " left it to us," we offered to take the Novel at our own valuation. 
The Author has, in our opinion, failed to fulfil the primary condition. Here 
he joins issue with us, and appeals to the Public. Being in possession of his 
MS., of which he has no second copy (so unbusinesslike of him not to have 
kept a duplicate !), we have determined upon forestalling his possible publica- 
tion. We request pur readers to judge for themselves, and tell us if (as the 
question of originality is involved) they haven't read something uncommonly 
like it, written by a pretty popular novelist, in the pages of an illustrated 
weekly contemporary. We say no more ; we can say no less. 



' ' You shall hear," he answered. ' ' Am I fascinating ? " 

"0 quite too indescribably fascinating ! Proceed! Your story 
does interest me so much ! I mean, I am eager to hear more." 

" Good," he returned. " You shall. But, at present, No Name." 

" I have read it." 

" Of course you have. Everybody has. See ! 

He started off as he spoke, and was working the wheels of his 
chair, flying like a whirlwind (on wheels, of course) round and 
round the room. Then he paused for breath. 

"There!" he exclaimed; "that's how I blow off some of the 
superfluous steam. That 's how I use my hands. Do you know how 
I use my head ? You shall see. Now, heads or tails ? Up we go. 
Heads it is." 

Before I could stop him he had thrown himself out of his chair 
head-foremost, and was now walking upside-down on the floor. 

" I can do this on my head," he cried, exultingly. 

In another minute he was back again in his chair, a hand on each 
wheel. 

" Do you know what these are called ? " he asked. 

I suggested timidly that, for my part, and for want of any better 
information on the subject, I should have called them " wheels." 

"Ah! but the names of the wheels, I mean!" he replied, 
snapping his fingers joyously. "I'll tell you. My chair is called 
Reputation. One wheel is christened The Woman in White and 
the other No Name. On these I push along. I will write to you. 
Do you know how I commence my letters ? Look here ! " he cried, 
cheerfully ; " TWISTEE'S fun ! " 

In an instant he was down on the floor, poised on his hands, and 
hopping about the room. 

"That's how I begin my letters!" he shouted. "My dear 
CLARINDA, ' this comes hopping ' you are quite well as it leaves me 
at present. Don't be alarmed ! " he cried, regaining his chair as 
nimbly as he had quitted it. 

Seeing him in a quieter mood, 1 implored him to resume his 
narration. 

" Go on ! " I said. " Pray go on with your story." 

He burst out laughing maliciously. 

' ' Why," he replied, ' ' that 's what every one 's saying. ' TWISTER,' 
I hear them say, ' do get on with your story. It 's so exciting, we 
want to know how it ends : as quickly as possible.' Ha ! ha ! I 'm 
cunning. I '11 tell you something else in my Autobiographical style. 
We '11 try that. I 'm first-rate at autobiography. Or the Dramatic 
I'm admirable at the Dramatic. Now, all in to hegin. Part 
First: Dramatic Style' Curtain rises. Scene, &c., &c. Dramatis 
Personae, &c., &c.' Saves a lot of trouble. Did it most effectively 
in the New Magdalen. Part Two : Autobiographical Style ' I 
crossed the hall, &c., &c. I saw him, &c., &c.' Also saves a lot 
of trouble. Part Three : in Police-witness-box Narrative Style 
' Yes. Do you ask me if I saw her veil lifted ? I answer. No ; I 
did not. Did I follow Miss CRAYSTOCK? No; I did not.' Also 
saves heaps of trouble. Then I can do the Diary Style ' What a 
day we have been having ! LADY LUMPER came at two. She took 
off her gloves to eat a peach. Could I believe my eyes ? Was it 
indeed the lost diamond that I saw gleaming on her white fore- 
finger ? Evidently I must be careful ? ' Come ! give your prefer- 
ence a name. I 'm first-rate at all. This style, two-and-six ! ' 

The old madness seized on him again. He took up a pen, flourished 
it wildly, dipped it into the ink, and hegan writing furiously. 

I crossed the threshold while he was still writing. I was fearful 
lest he should finish a chapter in five minutes, and insist on reading 
it to me. 

In another second he was going round the room again, first on his 
head, then on his hands, shouting out, " TWISTER'S fun ! " 

It was the last I saw of him. At the door the 4 Cabman touched 
his hat. He had been waiting six hours. 

" My dear child," he whispered, " what is the matter ? " 

Note. And here ends this chapter. What was the matter and the point of 
the story, the Author professes to show in his next. But we have pledged 
ourselves not to give the Public any more at present. Should any fearless 
speculator like to make a bid for the MS. in toto, he can call at our office, and 
the terms can be settled. 



"Union is Strength." 

STRENGTH with a vengeance strength to cut its own throat and 
its adversary's. See the present proceedings of the South Wales' 
Miners' Union and Masters' Association. Within a few days it will 
be war to the knife and fork between Capital and Labour over 
all the coal and iron districts of South Wales. Civil war deadly 
civil! 

EPITAPH OW THE LATE EMPEROR OF CTfraA. 

ALL China mourns the loss of one so young 
In speechless sorrow she has lost her TUNG. 



FEBRUARY 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



57 




ff 



THEORY AND PRACTICE. 

A .V, , haled Spot near an Institution. TlMB 11 P.M. 

CHARACTERS. 

A ritiliiiitlirnnir Leeturer, a N/rtuigi-r, <i I'ulin-niUH, ami tin- iirent. 
Mil. I'UNCII. 

The Stranger (soliloquises) 

MT eyes, if that ain't a good 
'\in ! Fust chop, I call it. 
Why there will be a chance 
fur a cove that 's lagged 
now-a-days. A prison, 
under them proposed re- 
gulations, will be quite a 
pleasant place ! Stop ! 
ere 's a gent a- coming! 
Law bless us. it ' the 
Lecturer 'isself ! Well, 
bisness is bisness, and it 
can't be 'elped. (Looking 
right.) And ain't it awk- 
warda Peeler over yon- 
der. Well, I must try to 
keep the gent a chattering 
until the Peeler moves 
away. (Enter Lecturer.) 
Good evening, Ouv'nor. 
l.ietiirrr. Good evening. 
[About to move aictiy, 
when the Stranger 
stops him. 

Stranger. Axes your parding. Guv'nor ; but wasn't you a lecturing 
to-night about the treatment of them there criminal classes ? 
Lecturer (gratified). Yes, my good friend, I was. 
Stranger. No offence, Guv'nor ; but I couldn't get in to 'ear wot 
it was all about. 

Lee/ art > (xin-/irined). No! Dear me, that's strange. You could 
not get in ! I saw a large number of vacant benches. 

Stranger. If I didn't think it would be a troubling you too 
much, Guv'nor, I would ax yer to tell us what it was all about. 
(Aside.) When will that there Peeler move 'isself off ! 

Lecturer (iii/uin gratified). I am sure I shall be delighted to give 
you a brief precis of my address. First I observed that I considered 
prisons unnecessary. 

Ntranger. Right yer are, Guv'nor! When a cove gets lagged, 
'ow can 'e attend to what I may call 'is purfessional dooties ? 

Lecturer. Of course we must be ready to find human nature 
defective. We know, by observing the formation of the brain, 
that some men are, so to speak, born with dishonest tendencies. 
We cannot expect all men to be equally honest. 
Stranger. In course not, Guv'nor. 

Lecturer (/I/eased). You speak with much intelligence. Permit 
me to offer you a cigar. (Searching his pockets.) Why where can 
my ease have got to ? 

Stranger. I am sure I don't know, Guv'nor. You was a-saying 
that some men 'ad "dishonest tendencies." Law, yer surprise me 1 
Lecturer. And yet so it is. Now I contend that prisons under 
the old system have never cured men of innate dishonesty. I would 
make gaols (if I were forced to use them) a sort of substitute for 
"home." I would have my prisons luxurious there should be 
libraries, pianos, billiard-rooms. 
Stranger. And a skittle alley, eh, Guv'nor ? 
Lecturer. Well, scarcely the last, my good friend. You see, my 
object would be to accustom my prisoners, or, rather, as I should 
call them, my guests, to refinement, so that in time they might 
become themselves refined. I would treat garotters and wife- beaters 
with particular kindness. 

Stranger. Quite right, Guv'nor. Live and let live that's my 
motter. Why, a poor chap would starve unless 'e picked up a bit 
'ere and there, wouldn't 'er And I asks anybody 'ow could a cove 
really enjoy 'isself unless 'e put on 'is boots now and then, when so 
be 'e wanted to 'ave a little talk with 'is missus ? 

Lecturer. I do not think you quite understand me. I thoroughly 
and heartily disapprove of garottin^ and wife-beating, but I believe 
that both vices may be cured by kindness. Still, when I think of 
the brutality with which some poor women are treated by their 
husbands, the tears rise to my eyes, and (searching his pockets) 
Why what has become of my handkerchief ? 

Stranger. S'elp me Bob if I know, Guv'nor. (Aside.) Drat it 1 
When will that there Peeler be off ? 

Lecturer. I would establish a Club on West End principles. I 
would belong to it myself, and, when my brother Members saw how 
well I looked in my new patent leather shoes, I am sure that heavy 
hob-nailed boots would go out of fashion. There is nothing like a 



(food example, my dear Sir, take my word for it. But, dear me ! it 
is getting quite late. I must be going. (Searching his waixtmat- 
I'oi'krt.) Why, what has become of my watch ? 

Xh-nngfr. 'Aven't a notion,Guv. P r'aps you lost it at that there 
meeting I A rum lot goes to them there meetings. (Aside.) 
The Peeler's off at last. Nowforit! (Aloud.) And what, Guv'nor, 
would you do with the garotters ? 

Lecturer. My dear friend, I would remember that they were men 
and brothers. I would (Suddenly.) Why, you villain ! IOT 

have got your hand in my coat-pocket ! 

[Struggle: instantaneous apprarutire of a life-preserver. Exit 
the Stranger, rapidly. 

Lecturer (slmrly recovering). Why where am I? Money watch 
handkerchief everything gone! 

Kntrr tin- tircut MR. PUNCH hurriedly. 

The On-iit, Mr. Punch (nsm'*ting the. Lecturer to rile). My dear 
Sir, my very dear Sir, what is the matter ': 

Lecturer. 0, MR. PUNCH, 1 met a scoundrel who robbed me while 
I was talking to him, and then 

The (lrc,it Mr. Punch (soothingly). I see, I see. My dear Sir, 
pray take my arm. I saw the struggle, but could not arrive in 
time to save you. He was too quick for me, but I heard his last 
question. Perhaps you would not mind answering it. He asked 
you what you would do with garotters. What would you ? 

Lecturer (irithniit hesitation). I would give them for every offence 
a hundred strokes with a cat-o'-nine-tails, added to fourteen years 
(at least) of penal servitude ! 

The Great Mr. Punch. My dear Sir, permit me to congratulate 
you. You not only speak with excellent good sense, but, moreover, 
you talk like a man of feeling! 

[Exeunt the Great MK. PUNCH and the Lecturer arm-in-arm. 
As the scene closes in, the Stranger reappears, utten<l>'il //// 
the Policeman. 



THE TRUE LEADER Ol 1 THE LIBERAL PARTY. 

IK the men can't agree who their foreman shall be, 

And their prospect of concord seems shady, 
I propose, for a change, though the remedy 's strange, 

They consent to be led by a lady. 

On the Woolsack or Throne, it is very well known, 

Old women have oft cut a figure ; 
And we need not search far, through the Bench, or the Bar, 

For traces of similar vigour. 

Now if these can succeed, though accoutred indeed 

In man's own conventional dress ; 
Young leaders, who wear the true gowns of the fair, 

Must achieve a more brilliant success. 

If what leaders require is a tongue that can't tire, 

And the power to keep up their pecker, 
Who so fit to be there, on the left of the chair, 

As the gay and vivacious Miss BECKER ? 

Mns. ANDERSON'S skill for each national ill 

Would provide an effectual plaster ; 
Mus. CBAWSHAY with weight would conduct a debate 

On " Relations 'twixt Servant and Master." 

Or, as factions divide the small band on our side, 

And our plans are at sixes and sevens, 
We might carry our schemes, "twixt opposing extremes 

By a Middle-march, led by Miss EVANS. 

If our eyes should discern that, by some lucky turn 

Of the tide, our opponents were shaken ; 
Why, the Flood, if we had one, might best by Miss BBADDON 

To their speedy confusion be taken. 

When Divisions impend, and the angry Whips send 

To each Club for their squads of supporters, 
Why, who of us all, if Miss THOMPSON should call 

Out the Roll, would be missed from his quarters ? 

But if discord befel, and we wanted, to quell 
All rebellion DLLICES, HARCOURTS, or ODUERS 

A tongue that could twang, and a hand that could bang. 
Why, give me, for choice, Mus. PRODOERS. 

So thus, though the Sex may our judgment perplex, 

So fit is each Miss and eacn Madam, 
'Twill be funny, indeed, if we cannot succeed 

In finding an Eve for our ADAM. 



To CHOBAL SOCIETIES RBftunirNo AID. Apply to the "Singer"' 
Manufacturing Company. 



58 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 6, 1875. 




A SAVING HUSBAND. 

"GEORGE, DBAP, DON'T YOU THINK IT is RATHER EXTRAVAGANT OF YOU TO EAT BDTTER WITH THAT DELICIOUS JAM?" 
" No, LOVE ECONOMICAL I SAME PIECE OF BREAD DOES FOB BOTH !" 



"THE BOW OF ULYSSES." 
(See Cartoon.) 

" THEN, with a manly pace, he took his stand ; 
And grasp'd the bow, and twang' d it in his hand. 
Three times, with beating heart, he made essay ; 
Three times, unequal to the task, gave way : 
A modest boldness on his cheek appear' d : 
And thrice he hoped, and thrice again he fear'd : 
The fourth had drawn it. The great sire with joy 
Beheld ; but with a sign forbade the boy. 
His ardour straight the obedient chief suppress'd, 
And, artful, thus, the suitor train address d : 
' Oh, lay the cause on youth yet immature ! 
(For heaven forbid, such weakness should endure) 
How shall this arm, unequal to the bow, 
Retort an insult, or repel a f oe ? 
But you ! whom heaven with better nerves has bless'd, 
Accept the trial, and the prize contest.' " 

POPE'S Odyssey, Book xsi. 

"Earth to Earth" for Mispronouncers. 

A REVEREND Gentleman lately published a work on Cremation, 
which he called A Cremation Prelude. The impression, conveyed 
by the title, that this was a musical work, may be confirmed in the 
minds of some people when they hear that it has been followed by a 
composition on the same theme by HA(T)D(E)N. 



Motto for "(Jreville's Diaries." 
( With apologies to DR. JOHNSON as Author o/ GOLDSMITH'S Epitaph.") 



fere co-wvorum vitam non tetigit: nullam tetigit 
quam non fuedavit." 



ADVANTAGEOUS OPENING. 

WANTED a Coachman for Her Majesty's Coach, Opposition, now 
running on the road to Downing Street, the late ^Driver being 
about to be placed "Elsewhere." He must be a first-rate Whip, 
able to drive a team of bolters and jibbers, and who will see that 
all take the collar together, and don't pull in different directions. 
He must be a man of great tact and infinite soft sawder, in order 
to appease the wrath of old women, whose apple-stalls it may be 
necessary to upset. He must be able to secure public patronage by 
bold assertion and unlimited cheek, and eventually he must manage 
to overturn or drive off the road the Government Mail now running. 
No salary at present, but great future prospects. A genuine open- 
ing for an enterprising middle-aged gent. Apply at the Opposition 
Coach-office. 

Strike and Starvation. 

You South Wales Colliers, wont to feed 

And drink at ample rate, 
Best to your Masters' terms accede, 

Before it is too late. 
Their furnaces they '11 by-and-by 

Blow out unless you do ; 
And blown-out furnaces imply 

No more blow-out for you. 



Rule, Germania ! 

THE Times informs us that, of " iron-clad cruisers of the strongesl 
type, Germany will, in the present year, have seven built againsl 
five of our own navy." The Pall Mall Gazette is of opinion that 

" The Germans hare too many irons in the political fire to give exclusive 
attention to any one of them." 

But very soon, unless we 'get beforehand with the Germans, wil 
they not have too many irons in the water, too ? 



SI 



i 



H 




FEBRUARY 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



61 




THE LIBERAL LEADERSHIP. 

N the little-known 
subject of the 
responsible post 
of Leader of the 
Opposition in the 
House of Com- 
mons, we have 
thought it our 
duty uninflu- 
enced by party 
bias, and un- 
moved by politi- 
cal prejudice to 
collect all the 
available infor- 
mation from the 
most unimpeach- 
able traditionary 
sources, the best and most handsomely bound standard authors, 
the rolls and journals of Parliament, family archives of priceless 
rarity, and private documents not generally accessible to the public 
eyo. 

The office is of considerable antiquity, probably as old as the 
Chiltern Hundreds ; but it is sufficient lor our present purpose to 
note that for several days in the reign of one of our later EDWARDS 
there was the same uncertainty at the Clubs, about the next occupant 
of the post, as we have just experienced. (See HOLINSIIKD, MATTHEW 
PARIS, FHOISSAKT, HANSARD, &c.) 

The post is not hereditary, and a younger son may aspire to it, 
if he can lay. claim to the genius of CHARLES JAMES Fox, the 
eloquence of EDMUND BUBKE, and the wit of RICHARD BBINSLEY 
SHERIDAN, or any one of them. 

There is no salary, or uniform attached to the office, and no 
allowance for coals, candles, or gas. Its perquisites and privileges 
are enveloped in a cloud of precedents ; hut it is understood that 
the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition can claim large paper copies 
of all Blue Books and parliamentary papers, and is entitled, if not 
by statute, certainly by immemorial usage, to the undisturbed 
ooonpation of the first seat on the front benoh on the left hand of 
the SPEAKER. He may also look forward, with as much cheerfulness 
as he can assume, to seeing his Portrait Model, advertised and 
placarded as among the most recent additions to MADAHE TUSSAUD'S 
Exhibition. 

Full evening dress is de rigueur, except at morning sittings, or 
when the House is in Committee ; but white kid gloves need not 
be worn, unless the Mace is on the table. 

The post is one which demands many and varied qualifications in 
the occupant eloquence, tact, temper, business habits, wakeful- 
ness, patience, courtesy, a good cook, a sound digestion, and a fund 
of quotations from the poets of antiquity (Homer, Horace, Virgil, 
Qumtus Smyrna'us, &cj, Pope, Goldsmith, the Rejected Addn MM, 
and the Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin. There is no limit as to age, 
but candidates must be over twenty-one, and under the grand cli- 
macteric. A married man is usually preferred c ten's paribus. 

When once the Leader has been selected, he may retain the post 
as long as he pleases ; but on the receipt of a round-robin signed by 
a quorum, expressing dissatisfaction with his policy, or his meta- 
phors, or his cook, he is bound to resign or provide a substitute. 

Every Wednesday during the Session, the Leader of the Opposi- 
tion is expected to give a dinner to twenty of his party, attired in 
full Court dress. To prevent any suspicion of partiality or undue 
favour, Members are invited in exact alphabetical order. The Whips 
are present alternately. If the Leader is married, his wife throws 
open her salons later in the evening, without opposition. 

Resignation of his post is followed by a seat in the House of 
Lords, if the Leader has been created a Peer ; if not, by retirement into 
private life and quiet enjoyment of the country, surrounded by his 
books and his bees. 



THE CHAUNT OF THE CROCODILE. 

A Sting for Saurians biped and otherwise. 

I GBUKT in my slime, and I cheerily sing 
Though I may not appear the most lyrical thing 

In the round of Creation, 

Still song 's my vocation, 

And I 've quite syren powers of vocalisation 
But the mud is so soft to my elegant form, 
And the air is so bland, and the sun is so warm, 
That a Sybarite Saurian blind to the charm 

Of this softest of slime and this rank vegetation, 



Must be foolish indeed, and as fidgety^, quite, 

As yon crass hippopotamus venting his spite 

On the innocent reeds. Ah ! that plump little Nigger 

Was toothsome. It 's true that he might have been bigger, 

But so choice a bonne-bouche does not always turn up, 

When a Cayman's sharp set, and desirous to sup, 

There ' a great deal of waste in Creation .' 
That 's a thought that has often come into my head, 
A text on which truly a deal might be said : 
There is much in this world that requires explanation ! 

'Tis certainly odd, 

That the Crocodile God, 
Who doubtless created our kind by his nod, 

From a Protoplasm-pea, 

Did not also decree 
That so very superior an order as we 
Should be worshipped and fed by inferior creatures, 
Like monkeys and men, whose ridiculous features, 
Bo destitute wholly of Saurian beauty, 
Shows submission to is a matter of duty. 
No doubt it was so in the days long ago ; 
But the world 's out of order, and e'en Alligators, 
Like princes and priests, stand in terror of traitors. 
If Providence truly meant us to be dominant, 
It is clear that these Men aru becoming too prominent ; 
They grow altogether too proud and ambitious 
Whereas, as mere matters of food, they 're delicious ; 
And surely one glance at our teeth ana our jaws is 
To any believer in ultimate cati 

A positive proof 

That in Cosmos's woof 

Men must have been shaped for our special behoof. 
< >ur teeth were made sharp just to crunch them, and they 
Were made bony, yet toothsome, to give teeth full play 
A sample, I 'm sure, of correlative fitness, 
To which MR. DARWIN would gladly bear witness. 
And then, look again, in the matter of waste ! 

What a Well, let us say what a singular taste 

Must that ruler have had, who could be so absurd 

As to call into being a flower or a bird I 

Though ahem ! stop a bit, 

From this general "non fit" 

I must really except that convenient tit, 

Who serves as a Volunteer tooth-pick to me. 

But flowers ! by old Nilus, I never could see 

The use of a lotus ; it 's not good to eat, 

And its smell, I am sure, is disgustingly sweet. 

It is quite out of place, this ridiculous bud, 

In the Crocodile's heaven of sunshine and mud. 

Beauty ? nonsense and stuff 'tis a fetish barbarian ; 

All Saurian Science is Utilitarian. 

Though critics disdainfully level that term at us, 

'Tis the genuine " note " of the breed pachydermatous 

Ah, me ! for that dear dead diluvial time, 

The right golden age of our Cayman chronology, 

When the whole of Creation was water and slime, 

And Saurian ethics required no apology ! 

Talk of Progress, indeed ! That's all fiddle-de-dee '. 

'Tis becoming unpleasantly certain to me 

That the jolly old days are as good as departed. 

However, no need to be dull or down-hearted. 

The status quo, doubtless, will outlast my time ; 

And while there are Niggers, and plenty of slime, 

And an excellent appetite is not a crime 

To be punished by summary iron or lead 

(I strongly object to a shot through the head) ; 

While those plaguy Britons are not so darned quick 

With their LTVINGSTONBS, STANLEYS, and BAJEKBS (Old Nick, 

In the form of a Crocodile, catch them, say I !) 

And Governments do not too earnestly try 

To abolish that excellent system of slavery, 

I 'm really haunted by little misgiving 

As to my being able to pick np a living. 

That last pickaninny was truly most savoury 

Wish I knew where to drop upon just such another, 

Dear little black boy, had you ever a brother ? 

Well, here goes Woo-o-s-h, oosh I 

There, that s nice and soft S-q-u-o-o-s-h ! 

What a comfort there is in a luke-warm vmi-douche ! 

But Love 's a delusion, and Beauty is hollow ! 

From swallow to wallow, from wallow to swallow, 

That 's the true summer life for a Cayman to follow ! 



MB. P.'s ADVICE TO YOUNG PBOPLE FALLINO is LOVB. Fall 
out. 



62 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL_ 



[FKBRUARY G, 1875. 




WEIGHT FOR AGE. 

Lady (to Candidate for Parlour-Maid's place). " THIRTY, ARE YOU? THAT is A LITTLE OLDER THAN I SHOULD HAVE WISHED- 
Young Person. " FRHAPS, M'u, 'UMILIATION o' SPEKIT WOULD COMPINSATJS, M'M 1 " ^^ 



VIVISECTION AND SCIENCE. 
A Conversation. BROWN (M.R.C.S.) and JONES. 

Jones. You saw the report, Doctor, in the papers, of the applica- 
tion made the other day to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty 
to Animals, in order to get it to interfere with vivisection, as 
practised in medical schools ? Do you go with it ? 

Brown, I believe it dictated by humane feeling. 

Jones. What do you think of vivisection ? 

Brown. I consider it a way of torturing animals for which there 
is much to be said. 

Jones. Indeed ! How would you like it practised on yourself ? 

Brown. Not at all. Neither should I like being knocked down 
and "pithed," bled to death, boiled or skinned alive, stuck on a 
hook for live-bait, torn and shattered with gunshot, or hunted to 
death. And as a man and a surgeon, if I were forced to choose, I 
would, at least, rather be tortured for science than for sport. It 
might console me a little to think that my pangs would be compen- 
sated by some advantage to my fellow-man. 

Jones. A philanthropic idea, Doctor. Still is not vivisection very 
cruel P 

Brown. Not necessarily. What is an operation say for aneurism 
but vivisection of the human subject? And, but for vivisection, 
would there have been any operation for aneurism ? Human suf- 
fering, immensely more and worse than all that animals experience 
from vivisection, is caused by war. But to object much to war on 
that ground is voted sentimental. War, on the whole, is supposed 
to benefit the human race. So does vivisection. 

Jones. Is that really so ? 

Brown. In a measure. As a means of experiment, vivisection 
helps to advance operative surgery. Also physiology though not 
so much as many people suppose. It assisted BELL'S great dis- 
covery respecting the nerves ; but many experimenters are nol 
Bells any bigger than to be fit for a fool's cap. Inferences should 
be very cautiously drawn from the effect of mutilations of uncertain 



precision; for example, those practised on the brain and nervous 
lystem, under disturbing conditions. 

Jones. What do you say to this (produces pamphlet] illustration 
of practical vivisection from the Handbook of the Physiological 
Laboratory ? (Reads) : 

"RECURRENT SENSIBILITY. This can only be shown in the higher 
animals, the cat or dog being best adapted for the purpose. The method 
adopted is : The arches of one or two vertebrae are carefully sawn through, 
or cut through with the bone forceps, and the exposed roots very carefully 
'reed from the connective tissue surrounding them. If the animal he strong, 
and have thoroughly recovered from the chloroform and from the operation, 
irritation of the peripheral stump of the anterior root causes not only contraction 
in the muscles, but also movements in other parts of the body indicative of 
pain. On dividing the mixed trunk the contractions cease, but the general 
signs of pain or sensation remain." 

Brown. To a non-professional mind the description appears 
cynical. But so would the detail of any surgical operation. How- 
ever, I grant you, vivisection should be always as much as may be 
mitigated by anaesthetics, and be minimised to the very lowest 
possible degree. 

Jones. Is that done when it is advertised as part of the surgical 
course at the various hospitals. For instance (reads) 

11 ST. THOMAS'S HOSPITAL, Ophthalmic Surgery. Students will perform 
the operations on animals' eyes, and (opportunities permitting) on the dead 
subject." 

Brown, Suppose you had to undergo an operation on your eye. 
Would you not like to know that the operator had tried his hand on 
some living eye before ? And would you have him to begin with a 
human eye? Vivisection can only be minimised by being syste- 
matically taught. Otherwise, repetition would result from failure, 
and torture would be aggravated Isy bungling. I think the demand 
for some restraint on vivisection just. But how is the law to nx 
it how to determine to what extent it is, or is not, necessary < It 
strikes me that this is a question that would best be left to be 
decided by the heads of our profession, who could frame regula- 
tions thereon for the guidance of its members which they would, 



FKBBUABT 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 




"BRING UP A CHILD," &c. 

Ethel. " I WONDER war ADAM AND EVB WERB TURNED OUT OF PARADISS ? ' 
Jack (the Squire's Son). " P'RAPS THBY SHOT A Fox ! " 



VIVA L'lTALIA ! VIVA GARIBALDI ! 
VIVA IL Rfi! 

VIVA L' Italia! Not to zero 

Has sunk thy light heart's flame, 
While it has worship for a hero, 

Though old, and poor, and lame. 
Let loose tongue wag, or idle pen, 

Sound at the core, thou prizett 
The single-heartedest of men, 

And so, p'raps, the unwisost. 

For Rome he spent himself, his wife ; 

Well Rome for him may wear a 
Heart on her sleeve, who gave her life 

The old Lion of Caprera ! 
And never was more welcome roar, 

Than when, with Lion voice, 
In face of Italy he swore 

Faith to the King, her choice. 

Bitter thoughts from him ho can fling 

Men tana, Aspromonte, 
Gaeta's cell to Rome and King 

Returning, sua tponte. 
Italia Una, fair and free, 

Blesses her noblest scion, 
Stooping her fond head to thy knee 

Caprera's grey old Lion ! 



The Bottle Conjuror Outdone. 

PUNCH'S excellent old, ever young friend, 
GEOEGE CRUIKSHANK Esto perpetuui 
has put forth a second edition of his 
" Bottle," about half the size of the first 
issue, but from the original etchings. It 
is, in fact, a pint instead of a quart bottle. 
but the lesser contains as much flavour and 
spirit as the larger measure. GEOBGK 
beats the original ''Bottle-Conjuror." He 
has put himself first into a quart, and now 
into a pint bottle ! Bravo, GEORGE ! 



CAPE DIAMONDS. Far above RUBERY'S. 



doubtless, duly respect. And if they did not, there is a gentleman 
of my acquaintance who would very soon make them. I need hardly 
say that I allude to my humane, benevolent, redoubtable, and 
puissant friend, Mr, Punch, [Colloquy terminates. 



ANOTHER EXHIBITION OF OLD^MASTEKS. 

THE winter display at the Royal Academy having proved very 
attractive, it is in contemplation to organise a rival exhibition of a 
similar character. In this instance the collection will be composed 
of venerable persons, instead of ancient paintings. Should the idea 
come to anything, the following eminent " Old Masters " are pretty 
safe to have prominent places in the very best rooms of the building. 

GENERAL SIR HECTOR PIPECLAY, G.C.B., Sfc. fyc. Celebrated 
Warrior. Aged eighty-five. Size, five feet four inches long by three 
feet broad. Believes in stiff stocks, and prefers the Brown Bess to 
the Martini- Henry. Recognises no battle of more recent date than 
1815. and considers MOLTKE a very flippant youngster full of new- 
fangled notions. Can not understand why recruiting should flag 
when the inmates of Her Majesty's gaols are at the service of the 
nation. Is of opinion that the Service has long been going to the 
Doose. Would hang all the newspaper fellows during a peace, 
and shoot 'em. by Jove , in the time of war. Hates civilians ; 
and reads nothing but the supplements to the London Gazette 
and the Monthly Army List. 

ADMIRAL SIR DRAKE WOODENHEAD, G.C.B., Sfc. Sfc., Naval 
Worthy. Aged ninety-three. Size, five feet seven inches long by 
eighteen inches broad. Believes confidently in the Wooden 
Walls of old England. Thinks that as VISCOUNT NELSON won 
the Battle of Trafalgar aboard the Victory, an iron-clad can 
never be of any real service in a sea-fight. Believes that the Cat 
should be constantly administered to all ranks junior to that of a 
Second Lieutenant. Would be prepared to take the chief command 
of the Channel Fleet, at five minutes' notice, on the condition being 
granted that he should have the right of yard-arming any, or all 
of the civilian Lords of the Admiralty in cases of necessity. Never 
writes, and for many years has forgotten how to read. 



SQUIRE JOHN BROADACRES, until 1832 M.P. for the County of 
Clayshire. Politician and Land-owner. Aged eighty-four. Con- 
siders that the nation has never recovered from the abolition of Pro- 
tection. Ascribes to the introduction of Free Trade the following 
evils, Fenianism.'Home Rule, Garotting, Wife-kicking, Gout, ana 
the Pope. Would hang in a body without trial the whole of the 
Trade Unionists. Regards MR. DISRAELI as a rank Radical, and 
EARL RUSSELL as the Representative of Advanced Republicanism. 
Hates machinery and chemistry, and believes in old-fashioned 
farming. Thinks that labourers cottages were incapable of im- 
provement in 1825. Writes long letters to his great grandson 
upon the subject of family etiquette, and reads with much diligence 
the back numbers of the late Morning Herald, 

ABERNETHY PILLBOX, ESQ... M.D. #<:.,_ Sfc. Famous Surgeon, 
Aged ninety-one. Thinks that every disease should be treated 
either with the lancet or the knife. Has no belief in anaesthetics, 
or any such cowardly quackery. Believes that a patient should 
be told the most painful facts in the bluntest possible language. 
Claims the entire pauper population for the Hospital Dissecting 
Room. Writes daily never-to-be-published letter* to the Timet, 
and regards the Lancet and the British Medical Journal as the curse* 
of the profession. 

GARRICK SHAKESPEARE DRYDEN JOHNSON GROWLER, ESQ. Well- 
known Tragedian. _ Aged eighty-seven. Believes that no piece 
worthy of production on the boards has been written since the 
School for Scandal. Has never known a man who could play the 
part of Romeo as it should be played under the age of fifty, with 
the single exception of himself he assumed the character for 
the first time when he was only seven-and-forty. Thinks that a 
line of blank verse should take, at the least, five minutes in delivery. 
Has never heard of MR. HENRY IRVING, but thinks he remembers 
the name of a young beginner called MACREADY. Is quite sure 
that the mirror held up to nature should be made of magni- 
fying glass of extra power. To explain his meaning with greater 
conciseness, he is quite prepared to play a round of his favourite 
parts at either the Lane or the Garden. However, if he under- 
took this task (an extremely arduous one) he would, of course, 
expect a sufficient consideration. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY G, 1875. 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 




UMPTY DOIPTY sat on a 

wall, 
To his nurse proving he 

never could fall. 
The height of the wall 

being plus so-and-so, 
His centre of gravity 

being placed low, 
It followed as A is to 

B, C to D 
His nurse had no cause 

for anxiety, 
Since a body so placed 

if it tumbled at all 
Not downwards, but up- 
wards, must certainly 

fall. 
Humpty Dumpty to this 

point of proof had 

come, when 
He came down such a 

bang, he ne'er got np 



again 



it. 



ONE misty, moisty morn- 
ing, 

"When the weather was 
cold, 

I saw a man stand shivering, 
Thinly clad and old. 

Little PERKY PARKINS 

Told the reason why : 
That man with Laws of Science 

Had neglected to comply. 

Had he followed known rules 

For generating heat, 
We should not have seen him 

Shiv'ring in the street. 

in. 

HusH-a-bye, Baby ! 
'Tis naughty to cry, 
Because Cambridge problems 
Ma won't let you try. 

Be a good Baby, 

And lie still in bed, 
Your nice conic-sections 

Placed under your head. 



Go to sleep, Baby, 
And, if he won't cry, 

Mamma a new algebra 
Baby will buy. 



MR. PUNCH ON EXACT SCIENCE. 

MR. PUNCH has been requested by L 
Committee of learned men to lay down a 
few absolute axioms in Exact Science. 
He has appointed PROFESSOR MicFiLE, 
F.R.H.S. (Fellow of the Royal Hysterical 
Society), to prepare a preliminary report on 
this momentous question. The Professor 
reports 

1. The more absolutely true a Proposition 
is, the more universally will it be disputed. 

2. A Principle is a thing to be departed 
from. 

3. A Point is that which has no magni- 
tude. This is the point on which Tories 
and Liberals invariably differ. 

4. As true history is entirely scandal, 
a MSmnire pour Servir is better than 
HALLAM'S Constitutional disquisitions, and 
GIIEVILLE'S Diaries than EARL RUSSELL'S 
Recollections. 

5. Lawn Tennis can always be played 
with a net ; and pretty girls (like poachers) 
usually have nets concealed on their per- 
sons. 

6. It is possible for theologians like 
MONSIGNORE CAPEL and CANON LIDDON to 
weary the Public while they wallop each 
other. 

7. " Who is to lead the Liberal Party?" 
is an absurd question until you have solved 
the problem Where is the Liberal Party ? 

8. To covet your neighbour's daughter is 
not prohibited by MOSES (or AARON) unless 
she is ugly or poor. 

DR. PUNCH, Chancellor of the University 
of Fleet Street, is of opinion that this is 
quite enough from the learned F.R.H.S. 



Odious Comparisons. 
IT was once written 

" As London to Paddington, 
So PITT is to ADDINGTON." 

It is now suggested 
" As MOSES to DAME PARTINGTON, 
So is GLADSTONE to HARTINGTON." 



O'lDIUil THEOLOGICUM. 

Brmon (the morning after a wet dinner}- 
Diocese o' Sodor an' Man ? Dono anything 
'bout that. Think feller's more likely to 
die o' seas o' " Sodar an' B!" 0, dear, 
what a head I have ! 



HINTS FOR MR. GLADSTONE IN HIS HAPPY 

RETIREMENT. 
DISESTABLISH 

Any Church you happen to encounter. 

Any Oak tree that looks obtrusively like a fine old English forester. 

Any Whig that talks like a Tory. 

Any Tory that talks like a Radical. 

Any School-Board that objects to the use of the birch. 

Any School-Board that has a member who cannot read HOMEK, 

A t 1 "^ 8 ^ 16 lyrical English into Latin leonine verse, 
the TV," Wh thinks he can write on theological questions to 

_ Any one who wants to explain the Transit of Venus to the hanpily 
ignorant Public. 

Any one who plays Whist at his Club every afternoon, and 
explains why he lost that grand coup in his final rubber. 

le whose idea at Billiards is to put his opponent in "balk." 

Anybody who thinks MR. DISRAELI is tired of governing England. 

Anybody who cannot understand the incomparable wit and 

wisdom of the famous sa^e whose name will be found coupled with 

mat ol a sage almost as famous in this double acrostic : 

They both are charmingly unique 
The English greater than the Greek. 



A common diet for the nursery. 

li. 
A trap of which I 've recollection. 

m. 
A verifying word that 's cursory. 

IV. 

A metric foot, 
v. 

An interjection. 
Anybody else who is at all in the way. 



DIFFERENT REMEDIES FOR DIFFERENT DISEASES. 

THERE has been talk of uniting Liverpool and the Isle of Man in 
one See. No wonder the Manxmen protest. The needs of the two 
places are quite different. The Isle of Man cats have no tails. 
Liverpool wants cats with nine tails. 



A SUGGESTION. 

WHY not establish one central Poliee-Court for the hearing of 
Cab cases only, and make MRS. PRODGESS its perpetual Stipendiary ? 



FEBRUARY 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



G5 




ALWAYS NAME YOUR BIRD. 

(Sportsman and Keepers beating the hill near Loch, Fuskie. Woodcock expected.) 

First Keeper (to Second ditto, loudly). "Huno! MAC! MA-A-C!!" Sportsman (excitedly). " MARK ? MARK WHAT?' 

Second Keeper. " MAC-FAKLANB, SIB I " 



THE ZOO AND THE MU. 

(A Historical Parallel. Respectfully dedicated to the Trustees 
of the British Museum.) 

WOULD you know why the Monkeys died off at the Zoo, 
Though Directors did all that Directors could do, 
And called in physicians of eminence too ? 
Come list, while Punch states the case briefly to you. 

It could not be for want of enough of good food ; 
They feasted on all that caged quadrumans should, 
On apples and carrots, as much as they would, 
Nuts, any giv'n quantities more than was good. 

They had plenty of room too for taking their flings, 
And all sorts of perches, rope-ladders, and swings, 
For Leotard feats and incredible springs, 
In which legs, arms, and tails did the office of wings. 

When the sunshine was warm and the weather was fair, 
They 'd a large summer cage open free to the air, 
Round which pretty nurse-maids loved well to repair, 
With their juvenile charges, at Simite to stare. 

When the cold weather came, they were shut up in glass, 
Through which no breath of air was permitted to pass ; 
And as Monkeys are creatures who make their own gas, 
Ammoniacal compounds were sure to amass. 

Soon, though Monkeys are cheerful, and all doleful dumps shun, 
They were seen to turn mopish, their games, swings, and jumps 

shun; 

And, at last, proved their keepers' entire want of gumption, 
By dying, in batches, of rapid consumption. 



Yes in batches the Monkeys dropped off at the Zoo, 
Sorely puzzling the keepers, and scientists too ; 
Till MITCHELL grew mournful, and BAKTLBTT looked blue, 
And WOMBWELL, when asked, replied " Blest if he knew." 

DOCTOR AKNOTT consulted, thought ere he replied, 
Came, saw, sniffed the cages, their atmosphere tried, 
Weighed the evidence well, pros and cons on each side, 
Then pronounced 'twas for want of fresh air the brutes died ! 

Of ABKOTT'S opinion with nail and with tooth 
Some Directors fell foul said that, even if sooth, 
A physician was bound to have wrapped up the truth 
In terms scientific, abstruse, and uncouth. 

But the less scientific Directors replied, 

Facts were facts : Monkeys payed them that lived, not that died. 

So they carried a vote that fresh air be supplied, 

Through netted wire openings so high and so wide. 

Soon the blue-nosed baboons ceased to look extra blue, 
The Howlers set up their old hullabaloo 
Macaques, Lemurs, Loris, sprang, climbed, swung, and flew, 
And the quadrumans no more died off at the Zoo ! 

P'raps if the Trustees to this case would attend, 
And take measures the air their clerks breathe to amend 
As men's healths on the same laws as monkeys' depend 
The same means at the Mu would produce the same end ! 



Anticipation. 

THE Spanish residents at Berlin are delighted at the prospect of 
gay doings at their Embassy, SENOR MEKKY having been appointed 
Minister for Spain at the German Court Let us hope it may not be 
a ease of " a snort life and a merry one." 



TOL. LXV11I. 



66 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI: 



[FEBRUART 13, 1875. 




HE Curtain is up ! The chorie opening movement of Lords and Commons round the "Woolsack answering to the 
Thymele of the Dionysiacs Theatre has been performed. The Actors have put on their masks this is the only 
theatre in which these classic appliances are still worn and the first speech of the ancient play the QUEEN'S 
has been duly delivered. This tirade or rhema as the Greeks called such " screeds "is always more ceremonial 
than serious, and this year, when no one anticipates a performance of lively interest, or stirring incident, its 
ceremonial character seemed more apparent even than usual. 

The LOKD CHANCELLOB performed the part of Queen "for this occasion only." He would have pleased 
Polonius. The Speech in his mouth was "well spoken, with good emphasis and good discretion." Still the 

performer would have a better chance of giving his words with effect, had they been thrown into a more rhythmic and pointed form say 

something in this fashion 



'Mid peace abroad, prosperity at home, 

Gladly once more to the Old House we come ! 

Brussels' War Conferences were a snare, 

Our Russian friends won't again catch us there. 

Spain's latest toss, you see, has " Head" come down, 

Poor Spain may well be thankful for a Crown ! 



Slav'ry, once chained, to keep in chains we mean. 
J apan and China near a break have been. 
Look out for smashes when they come to jar 
But WADE (wise buffer) came 'twixt them and war. 
Our Colonies are well as well can be 
Gold Coast, Natal, and, last, not least, Fiji. 



FEBRUARY 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



67 



And if LANOALIIIALKLE we 've bade spare, 

COLENSO' s pleased, and that 'a no small aifair. 

In India with famine we have striven, 

And conquered it, thank stout hearts and kind Heaven ! 



COMMONS, 

You '11 be glad to learn 
Our banking-book need give you no concern. 
Some bills we have to settle, but so small, 
You may say they 're as good as none at all. 
Reform of Judicature, Sale of Land, 
We '11 take up where we last year stayed our hand. 
Foul drns, rank nuisances, polluted streams, 
We've Bills to deal with don't say these are dreams! 
Friendly Societies and Merchant Shipping 
We '11 mind, and see those whipped who earn a whipping. 
For wife-beaters and kicking roughs it boots 
Little with rose-water to sprinkle brutes ; 
So, pace PETER TAYLOR, in our gaols 
We ask leave to keep cats cats with nine tail : 
Then Public Prosecutors named shall be, 
Till not a crime unwhippsd of law go free. 
This, with what little you can find to do 
For Trade Offences, and Farm Tenants too, 
Will, I think, make a programme that looks well 
How 'twill work out, that let the Session tell ! 

And then, a few hours later, when the Speech had been duly 
echoed by the EARL OF DONOUGHMORE and LORD RAYLEIGU in the 
Lords, and MKSSHS. STANHOPE and WHITELAW in the Commons, the 
Protagonittes, or First Actor a rank always held by the Leader of the 
Government and the Deutfragonistes, or Second Actor a function 
reserved for the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition on this occa- 
sion a very young performer, it being indeed his first appearance 
in so prominent a part came forward in their appropriate masks, 
and exchanged the usual playful praludium or prologue to the 
AteUan Farce of " The Session ! " 



TUFNELL (MR.) V. SENIOR (MRS.). 

THERE is now raging between two Local Government Office In- 
spectors, masculine and feminine, a hot controversy hot, at least, 
on the gentleman's part, and prpvokingly cool on the lady's. 

MRS. SENIOR a name deserving honour in connection with Poor- 
law legislation appointed to inspect Female Pauper Schools by MR. 
STANSFELD, reported against the District Schools, as to their effect 
on the future of the orphan girls trained in them, and urged, instead, 
a system of boarding such girls out in families, under due super- 
vision. MRS. SENIOR had come to her conclusion after inquiries 
made for her by ladies who undertook the task into the history of 
these orphan girls after leaving the District Schools. 

MR. TUFNELL now charges MRS. SENIOR and her inquirers with 
something uncommonly near " taradiddling " at all events, roundly 
asserts that her best conclusions have no sound foundation, and 
that her evidence won't hold water. Having been offered by MRS. 
SENIOR an inspection of her evidence. MR. TUFNELL curtly refuses to 
look at it, and coolly recommends the lady to " withdraw her report." 

Suppose she retorted ? 

The masculine Inspector writes snappishly and scornfully, and 
Punch is bound to say that, in this correspondence, both in temper 
and argument, the lady has the best of it. 

MR. TUFNELL is an old hand at Inspection. He has had the 
lion's share in organising the District Schools, and has, no doubt, 
therein done a good work, for which he.deserves credit. Naturally he 
doesn't like to see a young hand, and a feminine hand, throwing cold 
water on his work. But he is bound to keep his temper, and not 
forget his good breeding in dealing with a lady. Semores priores, 
is an old rule, which MR. TUFNELL, no doubt would render " old 
hands ought to be uppermost ; " but in this case, it seems to Punch, 
that " Senior prior " will have to be translated, " the young hand 
has the better of it," at least as far as regards taste, temper, and 
treatment of the question tints far. 

The real merits of the controversy have yet to be investigated ; 
but the Inspectress, we are bound to say, seems more willing to have 
her evidence sifted, than the Inspector to sift it. Now everything 
turns on the evidence. If that proves untrustworthy, cadit INSPEC- 
TRESS SENIOR. But if it holds water, cadit INSPECTOR TUFNELL. 
Let us have no more sparring, please ; but a sifting as careful and 
as speedy as may be. Inspectress, even, has a right to that at the 
hands of Inspector. 



PREACHKK V, FLOGGEK. 

Q. Why are Wife-beaters like Her Majesty's Opposition ? 
A. Because they want a Liberal Whip to keep them in order. 




THE MAST WITH OLIVEE CBOMWELL'S HEAD. 

A.v(;cA(,K, Sir, can- 
not convey my 
indignation that 
anyone should 
have presumed to 
claim the distin- 
guished head 
which is my own 
private property. 
Why, bless you. 
Sir, I 've had 
OLIVER CROM- 
WELL'S head for 
years. At what 
particular period 
of my life I lost 
my own head, and 
got OLIVER'S in- 
stead, I cannot 
exactly tell. It 
has always been 
a puzzle to me. 
However, I am 
able to set at rest 
all discussion on 
this head by sim- 
ply referring the 
claimants, and 
other people who 
think they know 
all about it, to 
my own head, which is always ready and willing to answer any 
questions when put respectfully. OLIVER CROMWELL'S head has 
been a great nuisance to me. I would willingly exchange it now 
for somebody's of less importance, and indeed I wouldn't mind 
getting back my own, did I but know where to apply : perhaps this 
letter will serve as an advertisement. The other day, when out 
walking, I met CHARLES THE FIRST'S head on somebody's shoulders. 
Oddly enough the rencontre took place at Whitehall, and within 
sight of a scaffold which has been erected for the new buildings in 
that quarter. 

OLIVER CROMWELL'S head hasn't got much to say for itself. It 
seldom jokes, and, therefore, is not an amusing companion in 
society. The best thing it ever said was once at dinner, when an 
offensive fish had been placed on the table: the nose OLIVER'S nose 
sniffed disdainfully, and the head said, in a loud voice, " Remove 
that barbel." Not bad for OLIVER'S head, was it ? My own taste 
is for light literature, but OLIVER'S head will have nothing except 
MILTON, sacred subjects, and books on trade and commerce. If the 
idiots who pretend to have OLIVER'S head only knew what a nuisance 
it really is, they 'd soon relinquish tkeir claim to the distinction. 

I am, too, if I had my own head, a stanch Churchman, but 
OLIVER'S head will take me to Anabaptist Chapels and all sorts of 
Dissenting places. I am naturally a fond admirer of Champagne ; 
but OLIVERS head will have beer what it calls "Old Huntingdon 
Ale." The sort of hat with which CROMWELL'S head likes to be 
covered is the kind of thing that I detest. I hate a broad, napping 
brim. But I must wear it ; I can't help myself. Sometimes my 
hands tingle to punch CROMWELL'S head, but CROMWELL'S head 
won't have it, and my hands are obliged to obey the action of 
CROMWELL'S brain. 

Did you ever hear (I didn't, except from CROMWKLL'S head) 
that in Holland a medal was struck representing CROMWELL'S head 
in BRITANNIA'S lap. CROMWELL'S head chuckles immensely over this, 
and, after its fifth tankard of ale, CROMWELL'S old eyes twinkle, 
and it (the head) says something about BRITANNIA on the medal 
being a likeness of my LADY DYSART. From constant intimacy 
with CROMWELL'S head, and having experience of its wonderful 
powers of memory, I am inclined to the opinion that the original 
owner I mean the Lord Protector himself was a Master Slyboots. 
I can't write any more, and I shouldn't have been able to have 
written this but that a fellow-patient I mean a fellow-student in 
the Asyl I mean College has managed to mesmerise CROMWBLL'S 
head, and so while that confounded head is asleep I write with my 
own hands and with all my heart, which is still my own, thank 
goodness ! But hark ! CROMWELL'S head awakes, and it will be 
calling out to IRETON to bring BRADSHAW ; in which case IRETON 
will be BRADSHAW'S Guide. If I can shake it off, 1 will write again : 
but in the meantime protect my interests. I am a good subject of 
Her Present MAJESTY, and will never disturb the British Constitu- 
tion, although my own is utterly upset by the possession of 

Colwtll Hatchney, February 5th, CROMWELL'S HEAD. 

Old Midsummer's Day. 



63 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 13, 1875. 




INCONVENIENCE OF UNIFORM ARCHITECTURE IN LONDON TERRACES. 

GRIGSBY (A SHY BUT AMIABLE MAN) is INVITED TO A SMALL JUVENILE PARTY AT No. 47 (HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW'S), WHERE HE 

18 HELD IN GREAT FAVOUR BY THB CHILDREN, WHOM HE ALWAYS MANAGES TO STARTLE WITH SOME NEW AND AGREEABLE SURPRISE. 

BY MISTAKE HE KNOCKS AT No. 48, WHERE HE IS A COMPLETE STRANGER, AND BIDDING THE ASTONISHED MENIALS NOT TO 
ANNOUNCE HIM, HE RUSHES UP-STAIR8 TO THB DRAWING-KOOM, WHICH HE ENTERS IN THE ABOVE EXTRAORDINARY FASHION ! 

[The company assembled for Dinner at No. 48 are already much put out by the unconscionable lateness of an important guest. 



FOR FEBRUARY FOURTEENTH. 

THIS year it is said that Valentines are to take the shape of gifts 
of various kinds, after the old North-Country fashion. This being 
the case, the following presents are sure to be given and received 
during the course of next week. 

From MB. DISRAELI to ME. GLADSTONE. A very old writing- 
desk. 

From MB. GLADSTONE to ME. DISBAELI. A much-used Ready 
Reckoner. 

From MABSHAL MACMAHON to the LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. A 
Crown which has been for some years since a great embarrassment 
to its guardian. 

From the LORD MAYOR of London to MARSHAL MACMAHON. A 
Handbook of the Etiquette observed at the Court of Aldermen. 

From MB. li RIGHT to MB. FOBSTEK. The report of a very long 
sermon recently delivered at Birmingham. 

From MB. FOBSTEB to MB. BBIGHT. A copy of the 25th Clause. 

From MB. WILKIE COLLINS to the Proprietors of the Graphic. 
The conclusion of a Romance containing more lady than law. 

From the Proprietors of the Graphic to MB. WlLKlE COLLINS. 
An order for a new story introducing a " headless woman," to form 
a companion Novel to a tale describing at full, or rather, at half 
length, a " legless man." 

From Mr. Punch to the Whole World. A weekly periodical full 
of never-ceasing wit and wisdom. 

And lastly, from the Whole World to Mr. Punch. Several 
hundred millions of threepenny bits. 



FACIL1S DESCENSUg! 

YES ; somethinglike a come-down, if you will 
From People's WILLIAM to Private BILL ! 



A TRADE OF THE TIME. 

A. (professional Deserter, with Testimonials from Tori; Wakefield, Salford, 
and JHillbank). M. (bird of a feather). 

S. What ar' thee in for this time, BILL ? 

A. 'Sertion an' sellin' kit, as ushal. 

S. What '11 they giv' yer ? 

A. The reg'lar 'llowance 'underd an' sixty-eight, and discharge. 

JS. Mean to try it on agin when you comes out ? 

A. B'lieve ye, my boy T But the Line and the 'Tillery is agettin' 
too 'ot for me. I 'm agoin' in for the Marines next time. 

[And what is there to prevent the blackguard ? Nothing, but the 
old black-letter"."] 



The Marquis Bo-Peep and the Liberal Sheep. 

THE MABQUIS BO-PEEP 

Herds the Liberal sheep 

If he only knew where to find them. 
Will they ever come home, 
And please Home Rule and Rome 

Bring their Irish tails behind them ': 



" Larded all with sweet flowers, 
Which be wept to the grave did go.'' 

Ophelia's Sony. 

ME. HADEN'S proposal to substitute baskets filled with moss and 
ferns for oak and lead coffins sounds so attractive that the Funeral 
March of the future seems likely to be HAYDN'S With Verdure 
Clad. 

A CABMEN'S REFUGE. Where MBS. PBODGEBS can't get at them. 



PUNUU, OK THE LONDON CHABfVARI. FKBRCAR* 13, 1875. 







THE NEW SHEPHERD. 

HABTUJOTON (new hand, just taken on). "HEY, BUT MEASTER ! WHERE BE THE SHEEP t " 



FEBRUARY 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



71 



A SWAIN ON "VIVISECTION." 

ONSARNTJN' Vivisection 

now there's made a 
gurt to-do. 

Good folks ool ha' 'tis 
cruel and that 'a raj 
own opinion too. 

But how on we live 
Christians be Doc- 
tors to practize, 

Their hands upon 
dumb animals with- 
out they fustly 
tries? 

And mind, 'tin't only 
Snrgeunts, wi'ziun- 
tifie aims ; 

There 's moor nor 
they, brute baisties 
as mutilates and 
maims; 

Your breeders and 
your butchers and 
your cooks all dooes 
the same, 

And hunters too, and 
shooters, they be 

likewise fur to blame. 

Thee go thy way out walkun zome vine marnun in the Spring ; 
Thee ' t hear cows moo, sheep baa, donkeys bray, and small birds sing. 
By'm'by a zound o' squailun comes warned on the breeze, 
Fust loud and high, then zoftenun down to silunce by degrees. 

That straain o' Natur's music " vivisection " do denote ; 

A what you calls incizhun that 's perf armed upon a droat. 

And fainter on your ear as falls that there melojus cry, 

You knows that 'tis the last squake of a pig beeuu killed hard-by. 

It med be true, what some says, that pig dies an aisy death, 
But he 'a that stubborn that 'a wun't in quiet yield his breath, 




And that 's the only rason 'a meaks all the noise 'a do, 
But I zummow can't help f eelun' 'a must zuffer zummut too. 

P'raps 't'oodn't do bihaaoon, nor poork nuther, no gurt harm, 

To kill a pie if we fust put un under chloryfann ; 

So if I could I 'd put myself, in case I 'd got to die : 

And my rule 's do to your fellers as you 'd like to be done by. 

Then oxen med be slaughtered too, and likewise calves and sheep, 
In a state o' stupefaction, if the means was only cheap, 
And when their time was come 'tood be so happy a release, 
That people all wi' one accord 'ood say their end was peace. 

Ah, how 'tood be if we was all so tender and humaain, 
When we practize " vivisection," for to always stifle paain! 
Yet my ears 'ood miss that meller'd cry as rose on the gale afore, 
For the toonf ul squail o' the dyun pig I should never hear no more. 



STARS AND GARTERS. 

THE refusal of the Poet Laureate and ME. THOMAS CARLYLE to 
accept respectively a Baronetcy and a Grand Cross Knighthood of 
the Bath, is a proof that the honours in question were considered by 
the eminent men to which they were offered very unbecoming the 
dignity of justly celebrated litterateurs. MR.'.TENNYSON naturally 
did not wish to have his name associated for the future with Ex- 
Lord Mayors, and the Philosopher of Cheyne Walk most likely re- 
garded the distinction of Knighthood as an empty wind-bag, 
signifying chiefly, upon the whole, a loud-sounding nothingness. 
In spite of the dignified contempt of MESSBS. TENNYSON and CARIYLE 
for "name-handles," it is certainly a reproach that England should 
be the only country in Europe where intellectual and social merit is 
habitually ignored. A Peerage is open to active soldiers, lucky 
lawyers, and second-rate politicians, but the man of genius or tact 
is allowed to remain a simple " Mister" until the end of the chapter. 
As this seems to be a scandal requiring immediate removal, Mr. 
Punch (ever ready to remedy grievances) has much pleasure in pro- 
posing a scheme to the details of which he calls the attention of the 
government in general, and of that distinguished literary man, MB. 
DISRAELI in particular. Mr. Punch would institute an entirely new 
order to be called " The Reward of Merit," which should be con- 
ferred upon Bopk-Makers. Dramatists, Artists, and Actors who had 
reached a certain standard of excellence. There should also be a 



supplementary class for men distinguished for social bravery. The 
Order should be divided into Companions, Knights Commander, and 
Knights Grand Cross. As the question naturally arises, What should 
be the standards of excellence in such an order ? Mr. Punth 
has much satisfaction in publishing the following table of qualifica- 
tions for the various grades : 

BOOK-MAKERS' BRANCH. 

Companions. For Journalists who have written a dozen leading 
articles without using LEMPRIERE'S Classical Dictionary, or resort- 
ing to the editorial "we." 

Knights Commander. For Novelists who have written romances 
in monthly or weekly instalments in such a manner that their 
stories will bear the three- volume ordeal without injury to plot, 
dialogue, or characters. 

Knights Grand Cross. For Historians who have found or made 
truth more fascinating than fiction. 

DRAMATISTS' P.n\vn. 

Companions. For Farce-writers who have never used the crush- 
ing of a bandbox as a point for a low comedian. 

Knights Commander. For Comedy - writers who have trusted 
more to plot and dialogue than to upholstery. 

Knights Grand Cross. For Romantic Play-writers who have 
dispensed with the lime-light. 

ARTISTS' BRANCH. 

Companions. For Portrait-painters who have refused to " take 
the likenesses " of municipal nobodies and commercial parvenu*. 

Knights Commander. For Depicters of Domestic Scene* who 
have never painted the supernaturally cleanly child of an utterly 
impossible cottager. 

Knights Grand Cross. For any Painter (not being R.A. or 
A.R.A.) satisfied with the doings of the Royal Academy. 

ACTORS' BRANCH. 

Companions. For Low Comedians who have never added to the 
words of their parts after those parts have been delivered over to 
them by the authors. 

Knights Commander. For Tragedians who have made Macbeth 
probable and Hamlet possible. 

Knights Grand Cross. For Theatrical Managers who have 
trusted more to good pieces supported by efficient companies, than 
to bill-sticking, newspaper advertisements, literary suppers, and 
perambulating placard-carriers. 

SOCIAL BRAVERY BRANCH. 

Companions. for any Husband who has brought home a friend 
to dinner three distinct times in one fortnight without warning 
his Wife. 

Knights Commander. For Clubmen marrying after they have 
reached the age of five-and-thirty. 

Knights Grand Cross. For any Sage daring to speak his mind, 
at any time, on any subject, said mind being clear, powerful, and 
infallible. N. B. It is scarcely necessary to say that the only person 
obviously eligible for this honour is Mr. Punch himself. 



Astronomy and the City. 

AT the Annual Dinner of the French Hospital, the French Am- 
bassador. COMTE DE JARNAC, who presided, in proposing the health 
of " the distinguished visitors," is reported as saying " Can I forget 
that our firmament has been visited to night by a Meteor of no ordi- 
nary effulgence, the LORD MA YOB of the City of London ? " 

Evidently his Excellency had the LORD MAYOR'S name in his mind, 
but no doubt he felt it was more in accordance with the rules of 
oratory to speak of a Meteor, than a Meteoric STONE. 



A Greater than. Darwin. 

MR. BRIGHT, in his Birmingham speech the other day, declared 
that in the last election the body of the English Publicans was 
entirely moved by its taiL This ought to_ settle the question of our 
origin, or at least point the direction in which to look for the 
"missing link." Still we should like to ask LORD DUNDREARY, 
who so successfully explained why a dog wags his tail, how it 
comes about that the Tail should still wag the Publican P 



ECCLESIOLOGICAL. 

THE Dominical or Sunday Letter for next Sunday will be a 
Valentine. 

THE BEST PERFORMER nr THE "MASKELYNE Coons" LINE. 
" FRANCATELLI." 



72 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FtBKUARY 13, 1875. 



HOLIDAYS (FOR THE HORSES?). 




FEBBUABY 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 




A PROMISING PUPIL. 

"How DOM YOUR BROTHER OBT ON IN NEW YORK, PARKER?" 

"VERY WELL, INDEED, MA'AM, THANK YOU. HE'S ONLY BEEN THERE THREE MONTHS, 
AND HE 'a ALREADY BEGINNING TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE BEAUTIFUL ! ! " 



A TURN FOR TIBER. 

WHAT may not GARIBALDI do, 

Warrior of famous fibre ? 
Having made Italy anew, 

He 'd fain re-make the Tiber. 

What things that stream of yellow mud 
Has seen and done good gracious ! 

Sinoe o'er its swiftly flowing flood 
Swam the renowned HOBATIUS. 

The stream waa rushing thick and fast, 
The wind was blowing rawly, 

When o'er the stream HORATIUS passed, 
Just to oblige MACAUI.A v. 

Bravely the hero hastened home, 

After his feat audacious ; 
Later came Lays of Ancient Rome, 

Just to oblige HORATIUS. 

Now Rome receives with open arms 

Italia' s latest hero, 
Who brought down tyranny's alarms 

Kaiser's and Pope's to zero. 

When GARIBALDI'S stroke of flame 
BOMBING'S sceptre crumbled, 

To VICTOR'S broad, tanned forehead came 
The crown from fool's head tumbled. 

Now Italy is calm and cool, 

And laughs at imbecility, 
And leaves the POPE, a Jesuit tool, 

To vouch Infallibility. 

And he, grey chief, whose lightest word 
Made Kings and Cabinets shiver, 

As Revolution 's grown absurd, 
Takes to embank a river. 



COMBUSTIBLE MATERIALS. 

THE other day there was a debate in 
the French Assembly on dynamite. Stormy 
as the proceedings often are in the Chamber, 
on this occasion, strange to say, there was 
no explosion. 



THE PROPER PUBLISHERS OF WORKS ON 
JREMATION. MESSRS. ASHERS. 



CHEERFULNESS UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 

A LAKOE Meeting composed exclusively of Members of !what we 
may just now call the Mark Tapley Party, took place at the Reform 
Club last week, for the purpose of electing a Leader. 

MR. COWTER-TEMPLE, who was received with loud cheers, moved 
that MR. BRIGHT should take the chair. The proposal was welcomed 
with loud cheers. 

MR. DILLWYN, who was also received with loud cheers, seconded 
the motion, which was carried amid renewed cheering. 

MR. BRIGHT then took the chair amid loud and prolonged cheer- 
ing. He said the party was thoroughly united. (Cheers.) He had 
perfect confidence in the future of the party. (Loud cheers.) But 
they wanted a Leader (great cheering), and he, therefore, called upon 
certain gentlemen to move certain Resolutions. (Prolonged and 
enthusiastic cheers.) 

MR. WHITBREAD, who was received with much cheering, moved 
that the Meeting should express its profound sense of the loss the 
country and party had sustained by the retirement 9f MR. GLAD- 
STONE. (Loud and long-continued cheering, again and again 
renewed.) Their loss, he observed, was a loss, Like many other 
losses in this life, of which it might be said that we did not become 
aware of their magnitude till we discovered how much we had 
lost.* 

MR. FAWCBTT, who seconded the Resolution, was received with 
loud cheers. He said that it was a great comfort to him and his 
friends to think that though they often opposed MR. GLADSTONE 
when supported by a. majority of 125, after he was defeated they 
had given him their cordial support. Then the Motion was carried 
amid enthusiastic cheering. 

' As these remarkable utterances of MR. WHITBREAD and MR. FAWCETT 
are given in almost identical words in all the reports of the Meeting, we 
presume they were really the eloquent outbursts of the moment- 



MR. CHARLES VILLIERS, on presenting himself to the Meeting, 
was received with loud cheers, and on his proposing the MARQUIS 
OF HARTIKGTON as the future Leader of the Party, the cheering 
knew no bounds. 

MR. 8. MORLEY'S cheers appear to have been mislaid for the 
moment, on his rising to second the proposal ; but, at the conclusion 
of his speech, he was loudly cheered. 

The Resolution was earned amid great cheering, and 

LORD FREDERICK CAVENDISH, on getting on his legs, to return 
thanks for his brother the MARQUIS OF HARTIKGTON, was greeted 
with prolonged cheering. 

DR. LYON PLAYFAIR and MR. HOLMS, in moving and seconding a 
vote of thanks to MR. BRIGHT, hardly according to the reports- 
seem to have met with fair play in the way of cheering ; but, on 
MR. BRIGHT rising to express his acknowledgments, cheering set 
in again with as much vigour as if it was just beginning. 

The meeting having shaken hands with itself, then dispersed, 
amid loud cheers the whole proceedings, including the cheering, 
not having lasted more than forty minutes. 

For a Party that is out of Office, this is about the most cheerful 
meeting that was ever reported. 



For Coley of Cowley, near Oxford- 
(After JOHNSON.) 

DE. JOHNSON wrote, in his Vanity of Human Wishes, 

" See nation> slowly wise, and meanly just, 
O'er buried merit raise the tardy bust." 

Had he lived last week, he might have written, 

See Coley, scarcely wise, and hardly jast, 
Over unburied MERRITT raise a dust. 



74 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 13, 1875. 




SELF-DEVOTION. 

Plain Serving-Man. " WHAT WITH THESE 'EBB NEW LAWS, MUM, THB BIRDS is MOKE TROUBLESOME THIS YEAR THAN EVER. 

Tag PLACE SWARMS WITH 'EM I " 

Old Lady. " WKLL, THOMAS, WE 'D BETTER PUT TIP A SCARECROW." 

Serving-Man. " LOR' BLKRS YER, MUM ! SCABECROWS AIN'T o' NO USB. 'BELIKVB THEY BIEDS 'D COME JUST THE SAMB rr I WAS 
TO oo AND STAND THERE MVSKLF ! I " 



WEDNESDAY WISDOM. 

WITH a view to acting up, as far as possible, to the spirit of the 
law as gathered from the various enactments in regard to the pro- 
per and anomalous observance of Ash Wednesday, the following are 
a few of the Theatrical arrangements suggested to the L. C. for 
that day, though it is doubtful whether it will be found practicable 
to carry them all out in their entirety. 

Haymarket. Afternoon Lecture on " Unpopular Astronomy," by 
Lord Dundreary, followed by some remarks on the "transit of 
Venus," by MB. BUCKSTONE. 

Lyceum. Morning Performance of Hamlet, by the " Bateman 
Minstrels." The characters will appear in evening dress, and, with 
the exception of the Ghost, with blackened faces, and will be seated 
opposite the audience in a semi-circle. The " bones " will be held, 
but not used by the Prince of Denmark, and the address to the 
players will be struck out. 

Charing Cross. Sermons, as usual, during the evening by the 
REV. JULIAN GRAY. Doors open at half-past seven. 

Albert Hall. Popular representation of the Drury Lane Panto- 
mime. Two clowns, full orchestra of twenty-five, and great organ. 

Gaiety. Scientific lecture by MR. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD, on the 
" rise and progress of Opera Bmiffe in Kngland,"with scenic, vocal 
and instrumental illustrations by the staff and company of the Gaiety 
Theatre. No Fees. 

Strand. Sacred Concert, under the direction of MBS. SWAN- 
BOROUGH. Programme not yet settled. &o., &c., &c. 

Mr. Punch advises the proprietors of other places of amuse- 
ment to follow suit, as he is of opinion that an honest attempt, 
made in this genial spirit, to meet the force of authority half way, 
would lead to highly satisfactory results. He submits that the 
experiment is worth trying. 



A HOPE FOR ALL FOOLS. 

A RECENT telegram from Paris quotes from the Cologne Gazette 
the statement that PRINCE BISMABCK is suffering from a nervous 
affection, that his physicians have warned him to lead a quiet life, 
that the President of the Police has advised him to look to his 
personal safety, and that : 

" It is rumoured in the Upper House that soon after his sixtieth birthday, 
on the first of April, he intends to retire." 

It may be'considered at onoe a curious coincidence and contrariety 
that BISMABCK, who is no fool, should have been born on All Fools' 
Day. Perhaps it will turn out that his retirement should have been 
announced to occur on that Festival, so as to make the devotees 
who may have prepared to celebrate it with unusual rejoicing 
regular April Fools. 



Translated for the French. 

IF " Ignorance is bliss," what a happy man that redacteur of the 
Paris Soir must be who informed his readers, last Thursday, that 
" SIR THOMAS CARLYLE had trained the post of Uueen's Laureate 
in the competition of 1874." What would True THOSIAS say of this 
version, by the French " able editor," of his refusal of the Grand 
Cross of the Bath ? Probably he would think the blunder^rather 
one to laugh at than to be grandly cross over. 



NOT BEFORE IT WAS WANTED. 

THE last move of the French Assembly has been to carry a solid 
Wall-on atop of the Septennial foundation of MARSHAL MACMAHON, 
no doubt, to keep out the Bonapartists. 



str 
reet, 



St WhTtefri.^1%h'' 1 < 1 "r y f }" "!' 
t of fl hitefnai , u. the Cit y of London, 



' 
nd Publish 



Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs, nradbury, AKnew. * To., Lombard 
led by him at No. &5, Fleet Street, im the Pariah of 8t. Bride, City of London. BAIVBDAT, February 13, 1&7&. 



FEBRUARY 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVA1M. 




"ON 'CHANGE." 

.'. FRK.SH MOKXIN', AIN'T IT?" 

" 'COURSK IT in. F.VKKY JloliXINO's A FRKSH MoRNINO ! BT-BYK ! " 

[BROWN'S t' in/Kr alt day is quite unbearable. 



CHARLES LAMB'S CENTENARY. 

" I'YKruarv H>, is tlin r.-ntrnary of the birthday of CIIAIII.ES 
l.AMIi. It is' thought tlint this otl'rrs a lit oti|>ortmiity t" ' 

Mi'H-hil of him in his old whool, whuri', I am ashunn'il 1" 
NIV, no vinihlf truT of him exisU." Letter of (j. C. HELL (lltad 
Matter of Christ's llospital) in the Timet. 

DEAB ELIA, born a hundred years ago, 
How through and through your quiet life we know : 
How we delight in those quaint essays, made 
Out of soul-sunlight conquering life-shade: 



we enjoy your happy style, sore sated 
Of large words with but little meaning weighted : 
How every one who reads your prose or rhymes, 
Keels to you as a comrade of those times, 
That heard you pun and stammer out your joke, 
And breathed the fragrance of your curling smoke : 
Fur never iva>i.T could your Kssays end, 
Without the thought, lf J)tar ELIA is my friend ! ' 

Now the Head-Master of that famous school, 
Where once you writhed 'n< ;illi nV" Haling rule, 
And, when birch-rod produced accordant hymn, 
Kuvied unpunishable cherubim, 
Writes to the Times- says briefly, " Let us do 
Something for that dear ancient brilliant lllue." 
Punch says the same, for through the world who knows 
So exquisite a master of sweet pniM-, 
So beautiful a dreamer, though the sky 
To which you soared was not immensely high ; 
So subtle an observer of all things 
Kindly and quaint, with old-world colourings. 
What though the playful fancies of your pen 
Tie your memorial in the hearts of Men, 
Tis sad to know, where a boy-blue you played, 
Within the churchyard where your bones are laid, 
Your grave neglected,* and your schoo-lroom wall, 
Without a stone your memory to recall 1 
See letter of MB. PBBCY FITZOERAID in the 2>ily Xtta, 
Saturday, Feb. 13. 



Leyden literati. 

PUNCH is glad the proceedings at the Leyden Ter- 
centenary went off smoothly. A Leyden jar or two was 
no more than might have been expected. 



"TOO FEW COOKS SPOIL TIIH P.ROTil." 

Tin' Ili-i-iiiiliiije, Cosy Nuvk. 

Mr VKHV DKUI Mu. PUNCH, fbtit of St. Partcakts, 

THE other evening, as I was sitting dozing over the Times 
after supper, I came across a most interesting letter. It was 
entitled Cookery for the Working Classes," ana contained several 
very excellent suggestions. I suppose I must have fallen asleep as 
I was reading it, for I certainly found that I had been carried out 
of my comfortable study to bo placed in a small, half-furnished room. 

My new abode was a very wretched place. There was a little 
window in one of the corners which had lost a third of its proper 
complement of glass panes. The deficiency had been made good 
with brown paper and dirty dusters. In the centre of the room 
was a slovenly woman, hard at work preparing the household 
dinner. Her hair was rolled up in a heap anyhow, her cotton gown 
was amply spotted with grease and gravy, and her hands and arms, 
to say the least, could scarcely have been compared honestly with the 
driven snow. Itolling about the floor, and generally getting into 
the way of their mother, were two ragged children. I now turned 
my attention to the cookery. 0, mv dear Mr. Punch, such waste, 
such cruel waste ! Meat hacked and tossed about as if it had been 
so much grass ! Bones thrown away to the dogs in the court out- 
side, fat given over to the tender mercies of the cats on the tiles ! 
And such cooking such barbarous cooking ! The woman's one idea 
seemed to be that she ought to burn the meat before her to a cinder. 
So long as it was "brown all over," she was perfectly satisfied. 
She laid the cloth (such a cloth !), and put out the plates (such 
plates !) ; and, after hustling a lot of newspapers, old ooats, and 
older stockings, on to a side table, she was ready for dinner. Such 
a dinner ! It consisted of very improbable meat, garnished with nearly 
impossible potatoes ! As I looked at this banquet, laid out in what 
I may call a temple of moss and misrule, the husband of the woman 
entered the room. He looker! at Ins home, his wife, and his dinner, 
and sat down on a chair, and in a bad temper. Before I could hear 



him breathe the beautiful sentiments I knew te must be burning to 
utter, I was whirled away into quite a different sort of apartment. 

The new room in which I found myself was neat and cheery. 
Pleasant pictures were hanging on, the walls, the floor had been fresh 
sanded, and flowers were blooming in the window-seat. Every- 
thing was in its proper place, from the big clock down to the tiniest 
little egg-cup. A Drignt young woman, in a spotless cap and a 
large brown holland apron, was busy at work cooking. She had 
a couple of excellent assistants in the persons of two neat-handed, 
bright-eyed, merry- voiced children. Ah ! here was something like 
cookery ! No waste, no dirt, and no stupidity. Every morsel of 
meat and bone not required for the dish upon which the woman 
was engaged, was quietly popped by the children into a steaming 
pot aufeu. A beautiful white cloth was laid upon the table, and 
then the wife, as a finishing stroke, concocted such an omelette ! 
This done, she took off her apron, carefully folded it up, and was 
ready for dinner. She looked as clean and as neat and as bright 
(let me say for want of a better simile) as a brand new darning- 
needle ! As the omelette smoked on the table, in came the husband 

fresh from his toil. He sat down with a smile, and then 1 found 

myself somewhere else. 

I was back again in England. I saw Schools of Cookery, attended 
by flocks of farm-children and presided over by young ladies, 
knew intuitively that these young ladies had given up their oroqu f 
parties and had snubbed their curate admirers to go in for a course 
of training at the School of Cookery at South Kensington. I noticed 
that the wives were neat and the husbands happy, that the cottages 
were tidy and pretty, and the children cheery and useful. In fact 
I found that England could compare with France. And when I 
saw all this, my very dear Mr. Punch, I knew that I must be what, 
as a matter of faet, I actually was, 

Your obedient Servant, 

ONLT A DKSAMER. 

BBOAD CHURCH VI>TMK.NT. A Fre mantle. 



76 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 20, 1875. 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

IBM MARSHAL DISRAELI, 
deserves credit for hav- 
ing had his batteries 
early in good position, 
with their artillery in 
excellent order. 

Report on the Ad- 
dress was broxight up, 
under the usual desul- 
tory file-fire, enlivened 
by a volley of Irish 
patteraroes, opened by 

ME. O'CONNOR POWER 

(the member for County 
Mayo) who, last year, 
had a speech report- 
ed which was never 
spoken, and now spoke 
a speech which had 
better not have been 
reported. MR. J. MAR- 
TIN insisted, as usual, 
that the Irish Members 
had no business at 
Westminster, and ought to be on 
College Green. If it was as clear 
that they would do no harm there, 
as it is that they do no good here, 
the House would probably agree 
with him. And then the Com- 
mander-in-Chief, stepping lightly 
forward under this harmless dis- 
charge, gave the word, " Fire 
along the whole Line ! " 

GENERAL CROSS opened the ball 
with his great gun the Bill for 
Improving Insanitary Habita- 
tions. Medical Officers are to set 

^4^5 Town Councils in motion ; and they 

* ^>',. ^**>-*^. are to have power to eject King 

Fever out of his Courts, that 
Health, Cleanliness, and Decency 
blessed triumvirate may reign 
in his room. 

The danger is lest King Job be set up as a successor to King Fever. Local authorities 
are not to build till it is found impossible to induce Private Enterprise to undertake the 
work. Besides, schemes under the Act for London must have the sanction of the Home 
Office; for other places, of the Local Government Board. Machinery for valuation and 
arbitration is provided. Prepared and sanctioned schemes of improvement are to be em- 
bodied in Provisional Orders, and acquire force of law without the cost of Private Bills. 

CAPTAIN CROSS, whose handling of his great gun was smart and soldierly, drew off to 
make room for GENERAL SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, who brought up his lighter piece the 
Friendly Societies Bill an improvement on the one withdrawn last Session. If working 
men will subscribe to insolvent Societies, they will do it with their eyes open, for the 
Government is to prepare and circulate tables to prove that Societies any more than soldiers 
cannot spend half-a-crown out of sixpence a day, and prosper. In certain specified cases 
of ruinous mismanagement Societies may be dissolved. Little children may be insured, up 
to 3, in one office. Working-man-fathers are not quite so black, it seems, as they were 
painted last year. 

Then came up SIR CHARLES ADDERLEY with his Merchant Shipping Bill a lighter gun 
by far than MR. PLIMSOLL wants, but as heavy as the Board ot Trade think workable 
with effect. Discipline, safety 01 ships and crews, training of boys for the Merchant 
Service, inquiry in cases of loss, are all provided for. There is to be a register of draught 
on ships' sides, but no load-line. That the Government, backed by the Commission of 
Inquiry, still refuse ; and they still decline to undertake a general survey of unclassed ships, 
though they grant one in all cases where it is called for. 

MR. PLIMSOLL calls the Bill a hollow mockery. But he should remember that golden rule 
of English politics " half a loaf is better than no bread ; " and it is worth his while to note 
that MR. GOURLEY and MR. WILSON, shipowners, and old enemies of his, declare their pre- 
ference of his Bill to the Government's. Surely this is a fact worth his pausing over. 

After the three Government batteries had given their fire, came the grand entree of the 
Hobbies 1 More than thirty of these high-mettled chargers were gaily trotted in, including 
the famous old hobbies, Permissive Prohibitory, Game-Laws Abolition, and Contagious 
Diseases Acts Repeal to say nothing of the twenty-seven less known to fame behind them. 
Tuesday, February 9th. Government batteries still to the front. 

LORD CAIRNS brought up the Judicature and Land Transfer Bills, so hastily drawn off the 
field last Session. 

LORD REDESDALE, of course, clung like grim death to the name of Court of Final 
Appeal, which will no longer belong to the Lords after the Bill passes. The sub- 
gtance of legal authority has long since passed to the Law Lords. But LORD REDESDALE 
likes fighting for shadows. He wants the Judges consulted, knowing that they don't 
like the change. Punch is bound to record that fact, as well as that a heavy body of re- 
calcitrants opposed to the Bill has been mustered by SIR GEORGE BOWYEH from among ft.C.' 



" V - 



and other bigwigs of the Law. Valeant 
quantum. 

The BISHOP OF PETERBOROUGH brings in 
...s Bill to Prevent Simoniacal Practices, 
intended to check if it can't scotch the 
buying and selling of cures of souls, which 
strikes people as so scandalous, and does the 
Church more harm than many more serious 
evils which don't look so bad. 

In the Commons, MR. C. LEWIS moved 
to stop the Stroud Writ. He told the story 
of Stroud its eighteen months of contests, 
petitions, unseatings ; the convulsion of 
Stroud society, split into blue Guelfs and 
yellow Ghibellines who will neither 
speak, shake hands, dine, drink, play, 
or pray together, like your even Christian. 
And worse, in one year 60,000 has been 
flung into the Scylla of Election Contest 
and the Charvbdis of Election Petition ! 

Yet, argued SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT, the 
Judges have acquitted Stroud of extensive 
corruption. Stroud corruption is, in fact, 
like the Nigger's pig" Him bery little, 
Massa, but him tarnation lively." But 
without "extensive corruption" no dis- 
franchisement. Precedent is dead against 
it, and though the " gay wisdom" of SIR 
WILFRID LAWSON laughed "musty pre- 
cedent" to scorn, he was gravely but 
pleasantly rebuked by MB. DISRAELI 
whose own wisdom once " A*fart"_as SIR 
WILFRID'S own, has grown "mitt's" by 
mellowing power of time and the House 
determined that the writ must go. 

Nobody in the House, or out of it. 
doubts that the lighting, paving, and 
cleansing of London want legislation ; 
but, as there is a Metropolitan Municipal 
Bill at the door, Parliament did not see 
the good of affirming so much in the Reso- 
lution moved by SIR WILLIAM FKAZEH. 
Such a Resolution would, under the cir- 
cumstances, be a mere empty phrase. Par- 
liament, for all its name, does not like 
phrasers. HOGG defended the Vestries. 
They have every right to a HOGG for cham- 
pion. MR. DILLWYN fought hard to except 
Bills that had passed through Committee 
from the half -past twelve o'clock rule, 
which imposes a time-bargain as strict as 
Cinderella's on all opposed matters, after the 
fateful "half-hour ayont the twal." But 
DISRAELI, who had once supported MR. 
DILLWYN, was against him now, and the 
half-hour rule was made absolute, and 
without exception. 

Wednesday. A dies non. Parliament 
fasted, even from words, good or bad. 

Thursday. More Government Bills. The 
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER consoli- 
dates and amends the Public Works Loan 
Acts, and MR. SCLATER BOOTH does even 
more. He is going to let light and order 
into the chaotic darkness of the twenty- 
nine Sanitary Statutes, that now puzzle 
Legal Authorities and drive Local Autho- 
rities to despair. It is worth while to call to 
mind that, besides its National Debt, Great 
Britain has a local debt of 72,000,000, 
which increases at the rate of 3,000,000 
a year. Seventy of the seventy-two mil- 
lions have been lent by the Public Works 
Loan Commissioners, of which only sixty- 
nine millions have been paid back. The 
Commissioners may only lend up to 
300,000 in one year, but they can accu- 
mulate unexhausted credits, and so may 
sometime swoop down on the Exchequer 
for 800,000 at short notice. Both the limit 
and the power of accumulation are to be 
done away with. Local Oliver Twists are 
each year to say what they want in good 
time, and not to ask for more. An annual 
Bill is to give the Commissioners power to 
lend this, and to inform the country of the 



FKIIUUARY 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



77 




PUTTING HIS FOOT IN IT. 

Kate. "I'M AFRAID YOU'RE ENTANGLED ! " 
Augtistus. "DON'T CARE, I'M SURE IF YOU DON'T." 



year's additions to the local indebtedness. Much notice the country 
is like to take of that ! 

LOED Eicno brought in the Metropolitan Municipality Bill. The 
Corporation of London is to be extended till it embraces all within 
the Bills of Mortality. But the King of England is to have a veto on 
the choice of the King of London ; and his police is to be under the 
Home Office. The vestries are to send two members apiece to the 
Town Council, and the Chairman of the Board of Works is to be 
ejc njndu Chairman of Committees. The public asks, will Gog and 
Magog giants as they are be big enough for these enlarged 
duties? 

SIR G. BOWYEB thinks not. As for Punch and England, c. a. 
v. The Court asks time for consideration. 

Fi-iduu.fhe LORD CHANCELLOR brought ina Bill for amending the 
Patent Laws. Examiners of Patents (with Referees) are to be ap- 
pointed to look into applications before they are granted, and speci- 
fications are to give such information as will guide the Examiners 
in deciding whether the Patent should be granted, and if so, for 
seven years or fourteen. Patents may be recalled after two years 
if not used by the Patentee or his licensees ; and if the Crown 
uses a patent for the public service, and can't settle terms with 
the Patentee, the Treasury may settle for him. All this seems clear 
improvement. 

MR. LOPES in an after-dinner speech lately called the Irish 
Home-Rule Members a "disreputable band." MB. SULLIVAN calls 
him to account, and threatens to move the House that such language 
is a 'breach of privilege. If the Irish Members never strained their 
Parliamentary privilege further ! 

Another tight over the Stroud Writ. It goes by 184 to 73. 

MR. ScLATEE-Boom brought in a Bill providing for the purity 
of Food and Drugs offered for sale. 

Altogether a busy week, and spent on good practical work. Punch 
congratulates the Commander-in-Chief and Generals of Division. 



WHAT THE CIVIL SEBVICK WANTS. Less of PLAYFAIE and more 
of Fair Play. 



THE CABMAN'S SHELTER. 

(Philanthropist sings.) 

REST thee, my Cabby, this cold and wet night ; 
Thy coffee is hot, and thy gas-stove burns bright. 
Where "s the tavern or pothouse a shelter could be 
So cosy, at once, and so harmless for thee ! 

rest thee, my Cabby ; may soon the time come 

When you all will be weaned from your gin, beer, and rum. 

So rest thee, my Cabby, from cold, rain, and sleet, 

And may no MKS. PBODCIERS invade thy retreat. 



Ashanteo War Medal. 

IT is said (Army and Navy Oazette) that the colours of the ribbon 
for this medal black and yellow have been selected in honour of 
the Duchess of Edinburgh ; but we are inclined to believe that the 
Black is emblematic of the Nigger or Koffee-coloured side of the 
campaign ; and the Yellow the jaundiced appearance of the brave 
fellows who are fortunate enough to be alive to wear the decoration. 



Sibylline Voices Wanted. 

RECENT American papers report the case of a gentleman who 
was forcibly expelled when he ventured to express his disapproba- 
tion by hissing in an American theatre. Let us hope if the same 
hiss-try-on-ic experiment were made on this side the water it 
would be rewarded instead of punished. 



MATRIMONY (by our Musical Cynic). The common c(h)ord of two 
Flats. 

A BAR'S REST. The Long Vacation. 



78 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 20, 1875. 



A HOLY CALM. 



-"The holy calm and profound peace that at present Parade every MC- 
ion, and fraction of a section, of the House of Commons, -t>ui W ILFUI 



.AWSO.t. 




u! HALCYON days! Peace smiles upon 

Party feud and fraction- 
Happy issue of the Con- 

-servative reaction '. 
Under DIZZY'S bottled balm 

(Made from oil of nettles !) 
Lo, a happy, holy calm, 

O'er St. Stephen's settles ! 
WILLIAM'S zeal had grown a bore 

Truce to " earnest " thundering ! 
Burning questions blaze no more ; 

Blundering and plundering, 
Stirring up each sleeping dog, 

Every wind-bag prodding, 
Are no more the rule, we jog, 

Plodding now and nodding. 
GLADSTONE, that impulsive man, 

Friend and foe to ire works ; 
DIZZY'S is the safer plan- 

Business and no fireworks ! 
Tickling,him that trounced,behold ; 

Syrup now the acid [old, 

Which burnt upon that tongue, ot 

The once-pungent placid 1 

" Silent and considerate ! " 

" Patient and sagacious ! " 
Stormy petrels of debate, 
Talkers too vivacious, 
Come not here to stir up strife ! 

Sluggards you may vote us ; 
JOHN BULL'S one desire in life 
Is to eat the lotus. 
Let them our smooth programme term a 

Policy of Sewage ; 
We are safe on terra firma, 

In this new true-blue age. 
We '11 nor harass Church nor Land, 

Bishop fright, nor Brewer ; 
" Fast and fiery " we withstand ; 
Our word is " Slow and Sewer ! " 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

Continuation of Cold Friends in Consultation Trying a Remedy 

No. I cannot get rid of my cold. I seem to myself to have such 
a cold as nobody ever had before, or since, the Deluge, till now. 

I select the Deluge as the era of the introduction of colds anc 
chills. 

Jl/tppy Thought. Good notion for a new subject for Bisnor 
COLENSO. By the way, how startling the first sneeze must hav< 
been. Wonder what the sneezer himself thought of it. I 
DR. COLENSO could get a scientific physician to collaborate on th 
History of Cold from its Origin up to the Present Time, they 'd ge 
on wonderfully, when they both, so to speak, warmed to the work. 

It is a comfort to an invalid when he finds his friends attentive. 

BOODELLS is already here. He tells me how bad he himself ha 
been for years ; how much worse than myself he is at this presen 
moment. This he calls " cheering me up." I call it irritating t 
the last degree. In effect he seems to be holding himself up as 
beautiful example for my imitation. " Look at me," he seems t 
say. " I 'm twice as ill as you are, yet / don't give in, like you do 
I don't lie down and moan as you do. I don't send for a docto 
merely for a cough or a cold." 

I am silent. He doesn't understand me, and he doesn't reall 
know what it is for a healthy man to be ill. If he is alway 
unhealthy, it is his normal state, and he is accustomed to i 
Besides, I am engaged on a book, Queries of Humanity, whie 
requires brain-work. BOODELLS is not so engaged. On the con 
trary, he has nothing to do but to roam about his garden, ask th 
Head Gardener "What's up?" order the Assistant Gardener t 
move a shrub from the left corner to the right corner, ascertain (fo 
himself) what may be the temperature of the Orchid-house, look in 
through a sort of peep-show window in the hive, to see how the bee 
are getting on, feed a couple of plethoric ducks, look over a gate (i 
safety) at a suspicious cow, ana, once in so many years, drag th 
pond. Generally speaking, I should call his, drain- work, as coi 
trasting with mine, i.e., brain-work. 



As for MiLiiURD, I dread his corning, as he takes a comic view of 
very ailment ; he, also, means to " cheer me up. 

When he doei come, however, he is very sympathetic at 
rst. Gradually, becoming accustomed to my complaints, he is 
nclined to suggest comic, or, rather, pantomimic remedies. He 
roposes the red-hot poker to begin with. Seeing the warming-pan 
a. the room, he can't refrain from going through such comic 
usiness," he calls it, " as old PAYNE would do if he had a cold in 
le opening of a pantomime." He entreats BOODELLS to join him m 

comic scene, just to " cheer me up." I smile languidly. I feel J 
annot enter into the spirit of his fun. I would prefer reading a 
rave philosophical treatise on Fortuitous Atoms, and dropping oil 

C\ZELL arrives. After him ENULEMORE. who, on entering the 
oom, salutes me with, " Hallo, Colonel ! Invalided ? 

Really I never had so much excitement when I was in the best 
ossible health. It 's quite an " At Home." 

CAZELL scrutinises me. He knows at once what it is, and what L 
light to do. " My dear fellow," he answers, on hearing my sym- 
toms, " that 's liver. That cough isn't from cold only ; it s liver. 

BOODKLLS becomes interested, and cuts in with the remark that it 
corns to him like biliousness. " I 'm a very bilious subject, he 
dds, speaking of himself, " and I 'm often like that. 

CAZELL won't give in. He won't hear of biliousness. Liver, he 
ays, is the cause of it all. " My dear boy," he argues, " I ought to 
know. I studied medicine for two years." 

" And were obliged to leave off directly you began to practise it, 
aysMiLBURD. "Eh?" 

Everyone thinks this observation ill-timed. 

It suddenly occurs to me that if CAZELL is right, my doctor, who 

alls it " a violent cold, and just a touch of slight bronchitis,' is 

wrong. BOODELLS is all attention really interested in CAZELL s 

lissertation ; and MILBURD, finding his jokes at a discount, assumes 

;he air of a serious inquirer. ENGLEMORE shakes his head, and is 

understood to suggest <T Mister Mustard Plaster ;" but he gives in to 

IAZELL, who is in his element, while telling us what it is, and what 

'. ought to do. 

" You feel languid ? " he says. 

I do. I own it. 

" Of course you do," he continues, triumphantly. lou have a 
pain in your right hypochondrium ; you have a nasty, troublesome 

cough " (I nod my head. He is right.) " You experience 

lome difficulty in breathing 

" Not much," I interpose. ENGLEMORE murmurs something about 
' Benjamin Bellows ?' but as this does not appear to have any more 
,han a mere marginal reference to the subject in hand, CAZELL goes 

i. deprecatingly, 

" No, not much : that is, in an advanced stage. N9W you have a 
difficulty of which you are scarcely conscious, and it arises from 
secretions of mucus in the bronchial tubes, which anyone can ascer- 
;ain by percussion, and by the sounds of sonorous and sibilant 
rhonch'i in the first stage, then, of course, if the central canal won t 
act, and the biliary ducts can't do their duty, the whole system 
gets out of order, and can only be restored by the greatest care." 

I begin to think I am very ill much worse than I had expectec 
to find myself. Even BOODELLS, by his change of manner, seems 
tacitly to acknowledge, that, at last, I have outdone him, and that 1 
am really an invalid. 

I am not skilled in medical terms, but, after CAZELL'S lecture, I 
am so depressed in one sense, and yet so cheered in another (that is, 
to find that I am worthy of commiseration, and not the feeble- 
minded yielder to a pain in my little finger that BOODELLS woulc 
have made me out to be) that I am inclined to send for my Aunt 
and say, " Aunt, DOCTOR BLOOMEK was all wrong. I 've got some- 
thing the matter withjuy hypochondrium, my mucous membrane isn H 
at all the thing, my 'biliary ducts are not going on properly, an 
I require the greatest care, or else, as my system is quite out o: 
order, there 's no knowing what may happen." 

My Aunt enters just as MILBURD is putting the pertinent inquiry 
" What 's the remedy ? " 

CAZELL, still in his element, replies at once, "Remain quiet m ai 
atmosphere of a uniform temperature ; keep the internal fire wel 
supplied, and the circulation up to the mark : don't get into 
draughts : nourishing food and easy of digestion. And," turning 
to me, "you ask your doctor for a prescription of calomel, nitro- 
muriatic acid, hydriodate of potass, taraxacum, and soda, a dose o 
ipecacuanha, a gentle alterative, and on the first opportunity ge 
away for change of air. You'll find I 'm right." 
MILBURD is the first to recover himself after this. 
He says, alluding to me, " He ought to use a cold water compres 
every night." 
"Where?" I ask. 

"0, anywhere," he answers vaguely; "wherever you feel 
would do you good." 

" Diet 's everything," says BOODELLS, emphatically. CAZELI 
admits that it is important. 



FEBRUARY 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



79 



ENGLEMORE, silent up to this point, chimes in. He puts it in his 
own peculiar way. 

" Yes, Sir," he is fond of assuming; the American style when he 
wants to be forcible and yet playful, or it would be more correct to call 
this his amusingly instructive style. " Yes, Sir," he goes on, " little 
Dicky Diet is your man to keep Master Stumjack in order." (Stum- 
jack, he explains, is the Christy-Minstrel- lira wing-room phrn 
politely alludinff to the st-m-ch. This is his delicacy in my Aunt's 
presence.) " Dicky Diet 's your man," lie says, putting his hands 
in his trousers' pockets and rattling some keys by way of an accom- 
paniment. "Take Matthew Mutton well done, hot. Victoria Vege- 
table 's not a bad girl in moderation. Finish up with little Tommy 
Tonic. Picking up, Sir, that 'a what the Colonel wants." 

By Colonel lie means me. 

"I 've always heard," my Aunt observes, " that Champagne is an 
excellent thing for a cold. 

"Quite right, Ma'am. When this insect" we understand him 
as alluding to himself "has the snivelicis in his head, he finds 
that, for a regular pick up, there 's nothing so good as the remedy 
of Peter Pommery, extra dry, and drink nothing else till you go to 



M r. Lullaby. Next morning up with the lark. Corporal Cold and 
Brigadier Bronchitis off the scene. No mustard plasters need apply." 

This suggestion of a remedy seems to restore us all to good spirits, 
excepting CAZELL, who will have it that- there 's a deposit of sugar 
in all Champagne, which must do I don't exactly catch what " to 
the" (1 think he says) " hypochondrium." 

All my friends have to go away, except ENGLEMORE, who says he 
can stop to dine, merely, he puts it, as a medical adviser. 

\\V adopt his prescription. 

Ifappi/ T/it>i/;/ht. Pommery, extra dry, for dinner. 

My Aunt says she feels bettor for the Champagne : so do I. 
EXGLF.MOUE is ooliged to go back to Town by the last train. His 
dieting has resulted in what he calls " Peter Pommery " at dinner, 
and William Whiskey, hot, with cigars, afterwards. He says, " My 
dear Colonel, as long as you fancy it, that 's good enough for you." 

After his departure the effervescence of the Champagne, and^the 
stimulus of the whiskey and cigar, seem to have gone too. 

I begin to meditate whether it has been a beneficial remedy or 
not. Samuel Sleep will decide. Hut 1 must get well, because I want 
to try that new horse in the trap. 



PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES. 

QUESTIONS. (To ASK THE) 

F.CRETABY OF STATE 

FOB FOREIGN Ai- 
FAIBS, when, and 
under what pre- 
cautions, he in- 
tends to lay the 
Doryphora decem- 
linenta (Colorado 
potato-beetle) on 
the table of the 
House. 

The PRESIDENT 
OF THE BOARD OF 
TRADE, if he can 
hold out any hope 
that the doors of 
the carriages on. 
the Metropolitan 
and Metropolitan 
Djstrict Railway 
will be closed with 
less violence. 

The FIRST LORD 
OF THE TREASURY (as 
being something of 
a conjuror himself), 
if he can offer any 
explanation of 
" Psycho." 

The FIRST COM- 
MISSIONER OF 
WORKS AND BUTLD- 
INGS, whetherit does 
not appear to him 
desirable to apply 
soap and water, or 
some other deter- 
gent, to the Public 
Statues in the Me- 
tropolis. 

The HOME SECRETAHY, if he sees any objection to the Police receiving some 
elementary instruction in Astronomy, in order to qualify them to take celestial 
observations when on night duty. 

The City Aldermen, being Members of the House, whether the statement is 
correct that conger eels are used as stock for turtle soup. 

The CHANCELLOR 9? THE EXCHEQUER, whether the Report of the Civil 
Service Commission will affect the status and prospects of the charwomen now 
employed in the various public offices and departments. 

The HOME SECRETARY, if it is his intention to do anything about MRS. 
PRODGEKS. 

The PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE, if he is in possession ef any 
information leading him to anticipate a good season. 

The LORD CHAMBERLAIN, if he has any idea when the new Opera House will 
be opened. 

The POSTMASTER-GENEBAL, whether he has any objection to furnish a return 
ol the number of Valentines he has received this year. 

The noble Lord, the Member for New Radnor, if he feels comfortable in his 
post as Leader of the Opposition. 

The FIRST LOBD OF THE TREASURY, whether he has any objection to produce 




the Correspondence which passed between himself and 
Mii. THOMAS CAHI.VI.E, on offering that distinguished 
author the Grand Cross of the Bath. 

The CHANCELLOR OFTHE.EXCHEQUER, what Surplus he 
expects. 

The KII:ST LOUD OF TIIE TREASURY, when the Easter 
recess will commence. 



COMING OUT IN THE EAST. 

AN Indian paper tells us that 

" At the annual Masonic Ball at Kurrachee, on New Year's 
Ere, Pargee ladies mixed with the European gentlemen, and 
chatted and laughed with them freely; and one young lady the 
daughter of MK. MANOCKJI FRAMJI danced with MB. MAC- 
KENZIE, with a grace and ease which quite astonished her 
European Bisters. Both in the Schottische and the Circassian 
Circle she was quite at home, and had she worn English boots 
instead of the awkward little Parsee slippers, she would have 
danced as well as any of the English ladies in the room. This 
is the first instance in Scinde in which a Parsee lady has 
appeared in a public ball-room and taken a pat (V) in the 
dances." 

Here is a wonderful mixture of benightedncss and 
enlightenment! Wo can easily conceive the steady- 
going old fire-worshippers lamenting that things had 
come to such a pretty pass with their co-religionist 
Girls of the Period, and also the " European gentle- 
men" thinking lightly enough of the pretty pass while 
they made up to the pretty Parsee. All this is easily 
portrayable before the mind's eye, but is it possible to 
imagine a place in the British dominions where they 
still dance jthe Schottische, or where they ever danced 
the " Circassian Circle ? " Ex Oriente lux does not seem 
applicable to Kurrachee, thus lapsed into the darkness 
of a bygone age. However, let us hail the day, or 
rather night may we say, ''Oh, Framjious night!" 
which witnessed this overstepping of prejudice on the 
part of this young lady of Scinde, who, to distinguish 
her, should be called Scinderella. 

If she will take Mr. Punch' i advice, Scinderella will 
stick to her slippers, "awkward" though they may 
be, and eschew " English boots," undazzled even by the 
glory of dancing like an Englishwoman. Let her once 
begin with boots, and, no doubt, tight-lacing, painting, 
chignons, and all other toilette-abominations of the 
West will follow. With regard to her having taken 
a "pat" in the dances, this must be a misprint, since 
her partner's name marks him out for SANDY more pro- 
bably than PAT. Let the Parsee Girl of the Period, 
however, be sure that as long as she does not aspire 
to imitate the "making-up" devices of her European 
sisters, not only SANDY, but PAT, and JOHN, and TAFFY 
to boot, will admire her all the more for it, and do all 
the " making-up " that is necessary for her themselves. 



TEMPORABY MOTTO FOR THE BUBLINGTON FINE ABTS 
CLUB (from tJie extensive repertory of Hr, Punch). 
"Hollar, Boys, Hollar!" 



HINT TO THE MANAGEBS OF POULTRY 
Exhibit some henpecked husbands. 



SHOWS. 



80 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 20, 1875. 







A PLEASANT PROSPECT. 

Traveller (in Ireland). "Hi, PULL HER TIP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE is RUNNING AWAY?" 

Paddy. " HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR ! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE REINS ! SURE THEY 'KB AS ROTTEN AS PEAKS ! I 'LL 

1URN HER INTO THE RlVBR AT THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAQYARD !" 



" GAY WISDOM." 

" The Honourable Baronet (SIR WILFBID LAWSON) who always addresses 
the House in a spirit of gay wisdom," &c. MR. DISRAELI. 

" GAY wisdom ! " Dear DIZZY, deft master of phrases, 

What nous is enshrined in that epigram-text ! 
Through one of humanity's crassest of crazes 

It thrills like IthurieVs spear. We are vext, 
We dwellers on highest and loneliest places, 

For wits such' as we with the mob may not mix 
By fools who think wisdom loves fashions and faces, 

As sad as a (Quaker's, as sombre as Styx. 

"Gay wisdom! " That's Punch, and you must have been thinking 

Of him, when you flung it at LAWSON in fun. 
(SiR WILFRID 's no sumph, though he 's daft about drinking.) 

Thanks, BEN. You 're another ! The Session 's begun 
With a flight of your sparks, that so dazzle the duffers ; 

Not Podagra's pinch takes the shine out of you! 
Here 's more power to him who can handle the snuffers 

When Wit's feeble taper burns dolefully blue. 

"Gay wisdom!" Ha! ha! How the purblind will blink at, 

The flash of that phrase, like Minerva's own owl ! 
What dead seas of dulness they 're destined to drink at, 

Who swear by the eyes of that gogglesome fowl ! 
Is the true Tree of Knowledge a crab, that so crabbily 

Pedants and Puritans munch at its fruit ? 
Punch, under shield of the laughter of Rabelais, 

Shooteth more wisdom than prigs can compute. 

Must a sage's best speech ever savour of sorrel P 

That 's wiseacre logic and pedagogue cant ! 
The wise may be witty, the mirthful be moral ; 

Away with the dullard rumbustical rant ! 



Old Mawworm the tubbish may mouth out his rubbish, 
In dolorous, dry-as-dust, drum-thumping style ; 

Sagacity's stroke is not rub-a-dub-dubbish, 
And Wisdom most wins when she 's wreathed with a smile. 

No ; Punch and DISRAELI will wear wisdom gaily, 

Though Grundys and Gamps may be loud in lament ; 
Though partisan spite-spitters, weekly or daily, 

May stomach their snubbings with sore discontent. 
Your flail, my dear DIZZY, has lately been busy 

With speeches forgotten, and leaders unread ; 
For dulness-pZus-venom you don't care a tizzy, 

Though typed in undoubted Conservative lead. 

For the true stupid party your hatred is hearty, 

On which side soever that party may sit ; 
And banter as bright as the beam of Astarte 

Will whelm that poor wight in a whirlpool of wit. 
Seated by BENJAMIN, benched beside HARTINGTON, 

Bores are but bores, be they yellow or blue. 
Dulness alone is your true MRS. PARTINGTON ; 

Here 's to " gay wisdom," dear BEN, and to you ! 



G. W. B. v. M. B. 

THE Railway Commissioners have decided that the Great Western 
Railway must reduce their First Class fares to three-halfpence per 
mile. Nothing has been pronounced as to Second Class fares. The 
Great Western Railway Company have accordingly given notice, 
that on and after the 1st of April next, the Second Class fares will 
be twopence per mile all over their line, and that cushions, arm- 
rests, carpets, and footwarmers will be transferred from the First 
Class carriages to the Second Class. 



ADVICE (GRATIS) TO THE DYSPEPTIC. Chew and Eschew. 



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FEBRUARY 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



83 



WHAT OUR VALENTINES MAY COME TO- 




ERY DEAR MR. PUNCH, 

M.M:< rs \V Mill's new 
Valentines are all very well 
pii-tin-ially ; but you must 
permit me to observe, at this 
once-sentimental season, that 
money is the mainspring of 
most events in life. Lyen the 
marriage-bells are often set 
a-ringing by its agency, and 
the golden chink of money- 
bags is heard mingling with 
their peal. Far too often 
now-a-days matrimony sinks 
into a mere matter-o'-money. 
Cupid has to own the supre- 
macy of Plutus, and soft 
hearts are forced to yield to 
the pleadings of hard cash. 
The honeymoon is frequently 
supplanted by the money- 
moon ; and all the poetry of 
love-making is lost in prosy 
calculations of the ways of 
making money by a merce- 
nary match. 

This being so, it is sur- 
prising that the authors of 
our Valentines do not write 
more in accordance with the 
spirit of the age. Of course, 
no young man ever dreams 
now of concocting his own 
Valentines any more than of 
constructing his own button- 
hole bouquet. But sup- 
posing, for a wonder, that he 
were to take such trouble 
as to string six lines together 



in tolerable verse, it is probable thut if he gave his thoughts true expression, and if courtship 
were the aim of his poetic utterance, his lentimenti would take the form of business-like 
plain sense. Instead of penning sonnets to the eyi-brow of his mistress, he would profess a 
lively admiration of her fortune ; and, probably, iu lieu of gushing forth " How Beautiful ! " 
he would only ask " How Muul 

By way of a model then for mercenary rhymesters, I send you a few Valentines, which 
will be found somewhat in keeping with the courtship of the period, and I beg leave to 
subscribe myself, 



The rose is red, the violet blue, 
Yellow is gold, and so are you. 
Your figure 's lean, but fate I thank 
You 've a fat balance.at the bank. 
Take then my troth, and let me sign 
Myself your loving Valentine. 

n. 

I 'm out at elbows as you see, 
And many a dim is chasing me : 
So tho' thy nose is slightly red, 
I 'm willing, love ! with thee to wed. 
O happy day that makes thee mine 
And all thy cash sweet Valentine ! 

m. 

Love ? what is love compared to gold ? 
Now, I am young ; while you are old ; 
But if, my dear, with me you 'd live, 
Say, frankly, how much will you give ? 
Name a good sum, and I '11 be thine, 
And we will bless St. Valentine. 

IT. 

Tho' I 'm bandy, and humpy, and see with a 

squint, 

And altho' on my nose there 's a roseate tint : 
Tho' I 'm plain as a poker, and cross as a bear ; 
Yet my property 's handsome my prospects 

are fair ; 
So my hand and my heart you can hardly 

decline, 
For I know you love money, my fair Valentine. 

y. 

Your cheeks are white, your lips not red, 
You 've scarce a tooth left in your head, 



Yours admiringly, JOHN Sunn. 

Your temper 's wretched as your health ; 

liut then I 'm told you 've mines of wealth. 

Sweet girl, say then that you '11 be mine, 

And I will be your Valentine. 

n. 

In form, alas ! I own I 'm dumpy ; 
But I have plenty of the " stumpy." 
Then name' the gladdest of glad days, 
And 1 will hire a pair of greys. 
The richest trousseau shall be thine, 
All thanks to good Saint Valentine. 

VII. 

Not for worlds thy fond heart would I sorely 

distress, 

But the fact is that I 'm in a deuce of a mess. 
Pay my debts, and my latchkey I'll bravely 



resign, 
And yield me 
Valentine. 



thy captive, my sweet 



I do enjoy g 
afford 



VIII. 

dinners, which I cannot well 



And you, I hear, are rich enough an Emperor 

to board. 
Dear Valentine, then suffer me your heart and 

purse to wop, 
And for our wedding breakfast I will scheme 



a rare menu. 



rx. 



My health is bad, my temper vile, 
I snarl far oftener than I smile, 
My legs are lean, my hair is lank, 
But I've four figures at the bank. 
Sweet Maid, then be my Valentine, 
And half my money shall be thine ! 



h \ A MINATION PAPER FOR 

STUDENTS ON BOTANY. 

By the INJUDICIOUS HOOKER. 

1. WHY is the (.lartlenia so called, since 
it (trows, not in gardens, but in ladies' hair 
and young swells' buttonholes ? 

2. What is the difference between the 
Broccoli and the Cauliflower ? Has it 
anything to do with that which exists 
between a crocodile and an alligator, or a 
solicitor and an attorney ? 

3. Distinguish between Venus's Bath, 
Venus's Comb, Venus's Hair, Venus's Fly- 
trap, and Venus's Looking-glass ? What 
kind of (lies are usually caught in Dioncea 
imixri/iii/ii, or Venus' s Flytrap? Do not 
" detrimentals" often escape 'f What sort 
of ladies are fondest of the Specular in, 
otherwise known as Venus's Looking-glass? 
Is ugliness their usual characteristic t 

4. There is a species of Phalaris known 
as Gardeners' Garters. Does it give its 
name to the Order of Knighthood conferred 
on those famous gardeners, SIR JOSEPH 
PAXTON and SIR WILLIAM HOOKER? 

5. Is the Ormosia or Necklace Tree 
worth cultivating by jewellers ? 

6. A triplex, Antnyllis, and Plantago are 
known as Lamb's Uuarters, Lamb's Toe, 
and Lamb's Tongue. Mention the London 
butchers from whom they can be pur- 
chased. 

7. Lady students are requested to give 
the Latin equivalents for Lady's Bed- 
straw, Lady's Comb, Lady's Cushion, 
Lady's Fingers, Lady's Garters \Honi 
soil 7], Lady's Glove, Lady's Hair, Lady's 
Laces, Lady's Looking - glass. Lady's 
Mantle, Lady's Nightcap, Lady's Slipper 
[ah, how long since Mr. Punch played 
"Hunt the Slipper"!], Lady's Smock, 
Lady's Thimble [true ladies are not 
ashamed of the thimble, though vain 
young-lady minxes are], Lady's Tresses, 
and Lady's Thumb. 

8. Classify with care the two unique 
species, Oladstonia morosa and Disraelia 
gloriota. 

PUNCH'S ADVICE TO A BABY. 

DON'T come into the world in cold weather. 

If you are the heir of a branch of the 
house of SMITH, by no means permit your 
parents to christen you HOWABD, or STAN- 
LEY, or CLINTON, or SPENSER. 

If you are a lady-baby, don't let them 
call you MARY ANN or MAHY JANE, or 
SOPHONISBA, or SOPHRONIA. Think, of 
your future husband's misery under such 
conditions. 

Be intensely cross to everybody. Nobody 
asked whether you wished to enter the 
world, and you have a right to protest 
against being brought into it. Cry lustily. 
It is good for the lungs, and it generally 
results in something nice being produced to 
quiet you. 

Allow no one to talk politics in your 
presence. It cannot be of the slightest 
consequence to you at present who may 
be the leader of the Liberal Party. When 
you are grown up (if a Liberal Party should 
still exist) the question will have been 
settled and unsettled a dozen times. You 
are recommended to scream at the name 
of Pio NONO. 

Howl when you are smacked, and resist 
all attempts to put you to bed early. 



8HAKSPEABIAN NOTION OF ECONOMY. 

"A tanner will last you nine year." 
Hamlet, Act V. Sc. 1. 



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FEBRUABT 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



85 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 

ALLY was a pretty girl, 
FANNY was her Bister ; 

SALLY read all night and day, 
FANNY sighed and kissed her. 

SALLY won some school degrees, 
FANSY won a lover; 




SALLY soundly rated her, 
And thought herself above her 

FANNY had a happy home, 
And urged that plea only ; 

SALLY she was learned and 
Also she was lonely. 



n. 

SILLY WILLIE WILKY went one day 
All the way to Westminster, there to play- 
To play a little game called Li-ti-gation, 
Needing skill to play it well and close ap- 
pli-cation. 

. Silly WILLIE WILKY had never play'd 

before. 

And when he had played one game he swore 
he 'd play no more. 

m. 

How does my Lady's garden grow ? 
Six. gardeners keep it in order, I trow. 

Into it oft does my Lady go ? 

Unless she has parties there dear, no! 

Her flowers are cut for her, then, as they 

blow? 
Her gardeners would not allow that, you 

know. 

" Much money my'Lady must surely bestow 
Without much return ( " Well, she seems 
to do so. 

But [Fashion's book-keeping is Fashion's 

affair ; 
Only Fashion her gains with her losses can 

square. 



DUE REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

On a Visit to the Egyptian Hall. 

SIB, 

You, perhaps, would be able to explain, satisfactorily to 
yourself at all events, how most of those things which astonish 
ordinary folk are done. I confess to being one of the ordinary folk 
not of course in appearance, or I would not dare to represent you, 
Sir, at places of public entertainment, where directly I appear, 
decorated with your well-known orders, an audible whisper goes 
round the room of, "There he is! that's him!" and similar 
indicative phrases now in use wherever the English language is 
spoken in its native purity. Certain then that you had not visited 
that home of all the Sphinxes, the Egyptian Hall, where under 
one roof there are three distinct entertainments, from the jewels of 
the first water-colour in the Dudley Gallery (observe my playful 
allusion to " Dudley " and " Jewels "ah ! rich and rare were the 
gems she, poor lady, didn't wear on that eventful evening), to the 
second floor of mystery shared by the Marvellous DR. LYNN and 
the Twin Thaumaturgi, MESSRS. MASKELYNE and COOKE. Sir, as 
long as these latter; gentry inhabit the Egyptian Hall, " Wonders 
will never cease ! " 

And, mind you, thanks be to them for disposing of a heap of 
stuff and nonsense, and wicked imposture, too, which had been of 
late years brought before the curious and too credulous public 
under the name of Spiritualism. 

There 's as much Spiritualism in the way in which MESSRS. 
MASKELYNE and COOKE manage their puzzling cabinet and the 
sealed and corded box, as ever there was in any of those tricks which 
were, professedly, spiritualistic. The two magicians are most 
anxious to court inquiry. For my part, in the interest of the public 
and as specially representing you, Sir, I ascended the platform and 
rapped the cabinet inside and out with my umbrella (representing 
yours, only better), examined the box most carefully, assisted in both 
experiments by a scientific gentleman of uncommon acumen, who pro- 
fessed himself perfectly satisfied of one thing viz., that the decep- 
tion in the construction of the box and cabinet was so perfect, as 
completely to defy the most prying scrutiny. Bowing to the 
audience, who heartily applauded our zeal in their behalf, but did 
not throw 'anything at us, we (the scientific friend and myself) 
gracefully quited the stage and resumed our seats. Some igno- 



ramuses'considered us accomplices. We heard a few ill-conditioned 
people, as we were leaving, remark, " Them 's two of 'em, reg'lar 
confederates. Bless you, they 're paid for it, and come every day in 
different disguises. Lor' I know 'em by sight." We smiled super- 
ciliously and passed out. 

I am forgetting Psycho. Psycho is the figure of a small and 
melancholy Turk, with lack-lustre eyes, and hands having a 
peculiarly unnatural appearance, even for an automaton, 
about the nails. He is seated cross-legged on a box, and 
he has small boxes near him. On the whole, he rather resembles 
a Turkish gentleman who, having determined upon travelling, 
had begun to pack up, and having suddenly tired of the occupa- 
tion had sat down on a trunk, and rested his left arm on a 
couple of small boxes. However, Psycho is an independent gentle- 
man, for he and his trunk are raised above the floor on a glass 
pedestal, quite transparent, and he most certainly appears to have 
no "connection with anybody either on, or off, the stage. He 
does a sm in arithmetic ; he takes a hand at whist, and plays (I 
was told this, not being a whist-player myself) a very fair game. 
Some clever people say there 's a dwarf concealed inside. If so, the 
dwarf himself would be a fortune in a separate entertainment; 
but, again, if so, Heaven help that unfortunate dwarf ! Where the 
poor creature can possibly conceal himself is, to my mind, a greater 
wonder than that Psycho should be worked by electricity, as waa, I 
believe (for I dare not say I know) the plain clock face of trans- 
parent glass shown in ME. ROBIN'S entertainment. Between the 
first and second parts a ME. FHITZ RENHABD shows what he can do 
with his face, three lights, mediums, and strong reflectors. He 
makes shadow do duty for substance, and whiskers and moustaches 
appear on his face in less time than I take to write these words. 
And to see him change colour ! from white to black, and from black 
to such a beautiful brown as the SHAH might be proud of. ME. 
MASKELYNE commences the entertainment with one of the prettiest 
dining-room-table tricks I 've ever seen ; viz., making six plates 
dance, all at the same time. It would be a capital thing for a young 
amateur just home from school to try with his father's best dinner 
service. If damage is done, everyone must have a beginning, and 
look what a fortune may come out of even plate-spinning ! 

Let visitors take my advice, and lay their time out so as to spend a 
profitable and amusing afternoon at the Egyptian Hall, thus: 
Begin with the Dudley Gallery in good daylight. It is a well 



86 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 20, 1875. 




A DAUGHTER OF EVE. 

"I ASKED BOBBY LAVBNDER IF HE THOUGHT YOU PRETTY, AND HE SAID 'YES!' 
"WHEN HE COMES BACK, ASK HIM AGAIN AND I'LL LISTEN I" 



PUNCH'S AGONY COLUMN. 

LOST, on a hot summer's day, a Young 
Lady's Character. _Several Old Maids 
were observed in the neighbourhood, in a 
garrulous state. If that Character should 
be found, either of the aforesaid Old Maids 
may have it, with the Young Lady's compli- 
ments. [Nice child, Punch thinks.] 

rflEN POUNDS REWARD. Missing, a 
J- Gentleman with two left legs, a squint 
in his right eye, several teeth missing, 
trousers that declined to lit him, feet that 
turned in, and a general hang-dog look. 
The above reward will be given to any one 
who doesn't bring him back. [This would 
seem to be an excellent investment, judging 
by appearances.] 

VERY TIRED OF YOU. Stay away. 
The world is wide enough for two. 



An Unvanquished Veteran. 

IN a Bookseller's Catalogue we came 
upon a book entitled Echoes of the Past 
from a retired Hamlet. Surely the Author, 
if not a KEMIILE or a MACRKADY, must be a 
BARRY SULLIVAN, a PHELPS, or no, not a 
CRESWICK, as he is going to appear as the 
young Prince of Denmark at what may 
now be called Holland House on the Surrey 
side of the water. 



LITERARY CAUTION. 

FOR the benefit of those whose Latin is 
rather hazy, we think we had better state 
that the "new edition of the Cursor 
Mundi" which is in preparation for the 
Early English Text Society, has nothing 
to do with the POPE'S speeches. 



warmed room, so cosy and comfortable as to have the appearance of 
a gallery in a private house. So much did this notion grow upon 
Your Representative, Sir, that he would not have been the least as- 
tonished had a courtly gentleman stepped from somewhere like 
Polvnius from behind the arras and asked him in to lunch. 

It was one o'clock when this idea occurred to me. But there 
was no courtly gentleman. After doing the Dudley Gallery, let 
the visitor go up either to DR. LYNN'S (whose new beheading feat I 
shall take an early opportunity to witness), or to the room occupied 
by MESSRS. MASKELYNE AND COOK, when he may perhaps be cheered 
by the sight of 

YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. 



ALL AT SEA ! 

The Admiralty, Whitehall, S. W. 

ClRCTLAB 2-15,000,472. Feb. 13, 1875. 

THE Lords of the Admiralty are not in the habit of answering 
questions. Their Lordships are forced to make this assertion in 
consequence of the many inquiries they have received from the 
Public on the subject of the recent changes their Lordships have 
thought fit to make in the names of the ranks held by Surgeons in 
Her Majesty's Navy. However, as Parliament happens to be sitting 
at the date of the issue of this Circular, their Lordships are glad to 
have an opportunity of giving a courteous official answer by Cir- 
cular to the many correspondents who have favoured them with 
communications. It must, however, be clearly understood that this 
Circular is to be considered as final, it being issued solely with the 
view of setting several disputed points at rest for ever. 

1. Medical Officers of mature years are, in future, to be called 
" Fleet Surgeons." As this regulation seems to have caused some 
misunderstanding, their Lordships beg to state that this name is not 
intended to imply that the Officers in questioii are, or have been, 
what is commonly called " fast." Moreover, it should be understood 
that, at present, no arrangements have been made to test candidates 
for these appointments as to their powers of rapid locomotion over 
the measured mile at Stokes' Bay. For some time to come it is 
probable that the fact that a student has walked the hospitals will 



be accepted as a sufficient guarantee that he possesses the necessary 
activity to become, with ordinary practice, a " Fleet Surgeon." To 
set all doubts at rest, their Lordships beg to offer the explanation 
of the new name. The pay of a Naval Surgeon is absurdly small, 
it is better suited to the pockets of a pauper than to the purse of 
an officer and a gentleman. Feeling this to be the case, their Lord- 
ships have created the title " Fleet Surgeon," in commemoration of 
a celebrated prison that used to exist in connection with the civilian 
branch of Her Majesty's Service. 

2. Their Lordships beg to state, in answer to several correspond- 
ents, that they have, at present, no intention of creating a new 
rank, to be called "Naval Saw-bones." Should, however, such a 
title come to be used, the relative rank of "Ship's Cutter" wil 
probably be conferred upon Officers belonging to this grade of the 
Service. 

3. Their Lordships will probably make several more changes, in 
pursuance of the policy to which allusion is made in the first 
paragraph of this Circular. Amongst the names already under 
consideration may be mentioned " Captain-Draught Compounders," 
" Lieutenant - Life - Preservers " of the first and second class, 
" Purser-Pill-Creators," and " Grand-Staff Medical Bishops." 

Having given this explanation, which, as already said, must be 
considered as final, their Lordships trust that the Public and the 
Profession will both be equally satisfied. 
By Order. 

(Signed) $N|&, 

Permanent Secretary to the Public. 



MIGHT ISE WORSE, 



IF the MAEQUIS OF HARTINGTON has not the eloquence of MB. 
GLADSTONE, he is not quite a " Liedcr ohne Wane, 



DEDICATED TO HER MAJESTY'S NAVY, THE ROYAL YACHT CLUBS, 
AND THE MERCANTILE MARINE. Which are the best Binnacle 
Lights '( Stearine Candles, of course ! 



FBEBUAKY 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



87 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

OW officials are 
trained to keep 
their countenances 
in answeringa cer- 
tain class of Parlia- 
mentary questions 
is a mystery of 
Administrative 
Education, which 
has always passed 
even Punch's large 
comprehension. 
As, lor instance, 
when I.oKi) R. 
CHUKCHILL rose, 
on Monday, Feb. 
15, gravely to ask, 
inter aim, the 
possible cost and 
probable perils of 
the proposed Arc- 
tic Expedition. 
MR. A. LGERTON, 
with admirable 
gravity, gave the 
estimated cost at 

98,000, and the probable perils as, in 
the opinion of those most able to judge, 
" not considerable." 

In spite of a threatening question 
from CHEVALIER O'CLERY, HerMajesty's 
Ministers have determined to recom- 
mend HER MAJKSTT to recognise the ex- 
isting Government of Spain. 

ME. SULLIVAN had a happy hour 
quite after his own heart ot tempest 
in a tumbler over MR. LOPES' a descrip- 
tion of the Home-Rulers in the House 
of Commons as a " disreputable band." 
He took occasion to rake up an after- 
dinner speech of SIB JOHN ASTLEY. in 
which that worthy Lincolnshire Baronet had 
painted the same party in colours more faithful 
than flattering. But the well of Truth is, some- 
times, one of those wells which are best let alone. 
The jovial Baronet having had the good taste to 
withdraw what he had the bad taste to blurt 
out, MR. SULLIVAN ascribed the withdrawal to 
the polite inquiries of an Irish military friend of 
the CHEVALIER O'CLERT " as to the state of his 
health, more particularly his trigger-finger." 

MR. DISRAELI complimented the honour- 
able Member for Louth on his "glowing 

rhetoric," only complaining that it was too long, and deprecated turning after-dinner speeches into matters of privilege. In fact, 
most good speeches, including his own, were aiter-dinner speeches (Irish Members, we should have thought, would have been the 
latt to complain of a little post-prandial licence). He recommended MR. LOPES to disclaim all personal imputation, which MR. 
LOPSS rather sulkily did ; and the tempest in a tumbler, raised by MR. SULLIVAN, at once subsided, to leave time for a long talk over 
the Second Reading of the Unwholesome Dwellings Bill, which had better have been kept for Committee, fixed for the 4th of March. 

Tuesday. A day not to be marked with a white stone in the Parliamentary Register, for it brought news of the Return of 
DR. KDTBALT (shall we say, as the Englishman says, the great and good?) for Stoke-upon-Trent, and of JOHN MITCHELL, the. escaped 
convict of 152, for Tipperary. The ill-news was soon buzzed through the lobbies, 

"And M.P.'s stood dumb, 
Or whispered with white lips, ' The two ; they come, 'they come ! ' " 

But business must be got on with, even under the cloud of such an invasion. MR. WARD HUNT eased the anxious mind of MR. E. REED, 
who is afraid that the new religious service on the christening of H.M.'s ships may interfere with their launching. The prayers will be 
so timed as not to interfere with ways, wedges, or dogshores. 

England will not be sorry to learn that Britannia is not going to postpone her Arctic enterprise till she can induce Gel-mania, 
Scandinavia, or Russia to climb the Pole along with her. 

SIR J. ASTLEY, Lincolnshire Hart. , the bold speaker whose picture of the Home-Rulers, painted in rich after-dinner colours, was 
yesterday held up to the House by MR. SULLIVAN, feels natural anxiety lest those who do not know him for a soldier might think he 
had been frightened by an Irishman. So he read the letter which was supposed to have frightened him, and his answer to it, 
explaining, at the same time, that, feeling he was wrong, he had said so, but emphatically not under terror of CHEVALIER O'CLERY'S 
possible pistol. That, in fact, was an O'Clerical error. ASTLEY'S was as rapid an act as SULLIVAN'S was lengthy; and the blunt 
simplicity of the Lincolnshire Baronet contrasted refreshingly with the blatant rhetoric of the Irish journalist. 

MR. NEWDEGATE asked and got leave to bring in his hardy annual, the Bill for putting Monks and Nuns under inspection. Second 
Heading of SALT'S Bill for facilitating Public Worship in certain cases of clerical difficulty or default for putting salt, as one may say, 
on the tails of neglectful or over-exalted parsons and of SIR H. JAMES'S, for clipping the charges of Parliamentary returning-omcers, 
which now fly decidedly too high. 

Then, tidings of the Tipperary Election having reached Westminster with the proverbial speed of ill news, MR. HART DYXE moved for 

' Pardon nor served out his sentence, 
work of barricading the House 
haste," and divided, against 





TOL. Lrrai. 



83 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 27, 1875. 




A KILLING (AND SLEIGHING) LITTLE PARTY. 



AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES. 

"WEEN the wine is in, the wit is out ; " 
Only to dolts the adage reaches. 

Xo wise man could for a moment doubt 
The value of after-dinner speeches. 

Punch can remember the time when PEEL, 
Whose wisdom still the country teaches. 

After steak and port, his nine o'clock meal, 
Made the best of after-dinner speeches. 

When the Ministers come to the Mansion 

House, 

(The King of London their presence be- 
seeches), 

Xo guest who has any touch of nous 
Will be weary of after-dinner speeches. 

When the Royal Academy blooms in May, 
With its pretty girls and their cheeks like 
peaches, 

Who won't, on the opening Saturday, 
Listen to after-dinner speeches ? 

When there 's aught that 's generous to be 

done, 

A greeting to pay that no soul impeaches, 
A dinner 's the best thing under the sun, 
And its gold coin the after-dinner 
speeches. 

And as to the House, which often suffers 
From talk that to dreariest platitude 
reaches, 

It does not often allow its duffers 
To make long after-dinner speeches. 



MB. DYKE'S Motion, which was carried by 174 to 13 an ominous 
minority, supposing Parliamentary like dinner parties. 

Wednesday. MB. J. W. BARCLAY tried in vain to induce the 
House to turn over Scotch wild animals to the tender mercies of 
Scotch tenants and Scotch trespassers. A large majority evidently 
was of opinion that scotching wild animals would be very much the 
same as killing them. 

SIB THOMAS CHAMBERS was not more successful in his attempt to 
take down the bar no w fixed between wives' sisters and their brothers- 
in-law. There was the usual array of directly contradictory assertion. 
pro and con : and the House, anxious to save public time, put the Bill 
out of its misery for the Session by 171 to 142. The time is not yet. 
But as the prohibition has no sufficient grounds in nature or revela- 
tion, and as the ill effects of maintauiing it are certain in many 
cases, while those of relaxing it are conjectural, the chances are that 
the change willyet come. 

Thursday. very full House, and all agog for the opening or 
KENEALY Act of the evening's sensation drama. The vessel, which 
the Stoke potters have so strangely fashioned to honour, has now its 
place in St. Stephen's. 

The Doctor mirabilis was attended to the door of the House by 
his usual escort of tag-rag and bob-tail. Let us hope he will 
remember that at that door he leaves them. 

The first question is, how to describe the Doctor. 

We know what he appears to one Englishman the Englishman 
edited by DB. KENEALY as at once great and good.'; a mixture of 
CROMWELL, MILTON, CHATHAM, MIBABEATT, and "a Runnymede 
Baron the profpundest lawyer, purest patriot, and finest orator of 
his time ; who is shortly to shrivel DISRAELI and GLADSTONE into 
nothingness by his scorching eloquence and scathing contempt, and 
then to step into both their shoes, and lead a mighty Party to 
wield at will the fierce democracy. What he appears to the English- 
men of the_ House of Commons, we may judge from the fact that he 
could not find two of them to introduce him to the SPEAKER. 

At the suggestion of MB. DISBAELI, as the object of the Resolu- 
tion of February 23, 1688, which requires such sponsorship, was the 
identification of the Member, and as there could be no possible 
mistake about DB. KENEALY who stood absolutely alone in every 
sense of the word the House waived its standing order, and 
DB. KENEALY was allowed to take the oaths and his place, without 
a godfather. 

It is not Punch's way to hit a man when he is down. Of all 
the humiliating positions in which Da. KENEALY has placed him- 
self we take this last to be the lowest. And so we leave him, 
as the House does, for the present on his good behaviour to be 
endured or extinguished, as the case may be. 

Then came the Second Act of the night's sensation drama " The 
Felon Member" [shall we call it ?], or, " Parole and Poll." 



When MR. DISRAELI moved, that JOHN MITCHELL, having been 
tried and convicted of treason - felony in 1848, and having 
neither received the Royal pardon, nor served his sentence, 
remains a felon, and is, therefore, incapable of sitting in Parlia- 
ment, probably few but barrister M.P.s could have anticipated 
the hours of animated legal hair-splitting before the House. Un- 
luckily the lawyers knew the hair was there, and determined, after 
their kind, to have it out. So Sot H. JAMES asked the ATTORNEY- 
GENERAL three questions by way of kick-off and the ATTORNEY- 
GENERAL answered them by way of kick-back and then followed 
a lively "rouge" or "scrimmage," in which most of the leading 
lawyers of the House took part. In this cheerful little game the 
real business in hand threatened to be quite lost sight of, till MR. 
DISRAELI reminded the players that what they had then and there 
to settle was not, whether MR. MITCHELL could still be made to 
serve out the unexpired term of his sentence, but whether he could 
sit in that House, and insisted that the House could and should 
settle that point at once, and without a Committee. Reason being 
clearly with MB. DISBAELI, and law being the perfection of reason, 
we see no reason to doubt that the House was right in deciding, by 
269 to 102, that JOHN MITCHELL, convicted felon, having escaped 
before expiration of his term, and standing unpardoned, is incapa- 
citated from sitting in the House of Commons. 

Friday. A miscellaneous night of rather desultory talk. House 
languid after yesterday's excitement. The Lords, having no busi- 
ness to do, chatted about convicts, churches, and Woolwich regula- 
tions. In the Commons, the irrepressible Doctor gave notice that 
on March 16 he would call attention to the Tichborne trial, and move 
a Resolution. Thank the stars of St. Stephen's, there is such a thing 
as a Count-Out ! 

MB. CROSS undertook for a Royal Commission to inquire howf ar the 
Factories Act can be extended, so as to include all children engaged 
in manufactures. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL promised MB. FORSYTE 
a Select Committee to inquire into the manner of drawing and 
passing Acts of Parliament too often very much out of drawing, as 
times go; and MB. NEWDEGATE moved, and MB. DISBAELI opposed, 
Resolutions touching the conduct of private business. 

The Food and Drugs Adulteration Bill was read a Second Time. 



AN APOLOGY DUE TO DB. KENEALY. 

WHEN did the Gray's Inn Benchers apologise in proper style to 
DB. KENEALY ? 
When they made him one of their ex-Q,.C.'s. 



PEBFECT CURE FOR A CLEROYMAN. A Cure of Souls. 



FEBRUABY 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



89 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. 




She rides straight to hounds, 
Fox's dodges she knows, 

And, with spurs at her heels, 
Across country she goes. 



IDE a Cock-horse, 

Say, to Banbury Cross, 
To see a young lady 

Mount on a tall horse. 

Some day, at a hull-finch, 
She '11 sure come to grief, 

And the hunt, to a man. 
Will cry, " What a relief !" 



RIDDLE me, Riddle me Ree ! 

A hardened young cynic of three, 
Surveying mankind, 
Said he 'd rather be Wind 

Than obliged so much folly to see. 



Riddle me, Riddle me Ree ! 

He declared most emphaticallie, 
He would, sooner than marry, 
Be sent to Old Harry, 

Such was his conviction at three ! 



Riddle me, Riddle me Ree ! 

He married at thirty-three 
A Doctor of Laws, 
And, I trust, has no cause 

To wish he 'd gone first to the D - 



THE POPE'S PANTHEON. 

JUBILATE I That is the word. Has not a jubilee been proclaimed 
ex cathedra f There is hope that the Papal strike is about to cease. 
The august Prisoner of the Vatican the other day vouchsafed to 
release himself and appear in St. Peter's. May that appearance 
soon be repeated, and, on all due occasions, until further notice. 

What a treat it would be for thousands of hearers if his Holiness 
would preach from his own pulpit the brilliant sermons which he 
now pronounces from time to time, but only in private to a select 
circle ! The other day, for instance, he delivered to the parish 
priests of Rome an address wherein he eloquently and truly told 
them : 

" We do not, certainly, see in Rome the temples consecrated to idols which 
St. Peter found, but idols are not wanting against which it is your duty to 
combat. There is no temple consecrated to Jove, but there is the Jove of 
unbelief, who with his lightnings would annihilate the Divinity himself, and, 
as he has despoiled the Church of Jesus Christ, so also would he cause it to 
disappear from the surface of the earth. There is no temple dedicated to 
Mercury, but who can tell how horribly the thieves, his adorers, have multi- 
plied ? There is no temple in honour of Venus, but there are hundreds upon 
hundreds of houses of am where numbers of souls precipitate themselves to 
eternal damnation." 

Not even MR. WHALLEY can deny the aptness of this description 
of the haunts of vice as temples of the heathen gods. What if they 
have always existed at Rome, with connivance, if not under sanc- 
tion ? That is no reason why the Italian Government should allow 
them now. But there are other cults of which the toleration offends 
the Holy Father. He continued : 

" But this is not all. There are Protestant churches which, if it may be 
said they are less perilous, constitute also a cause of great sadness. In Rome, 
chosen by God as the capital of the great Catholic family ; in Rome, rendered 
precious by the blood of the Martyrs ; in Rome, justly decorated with the 
title of Mistress of the Truth, it cannot do other than cause grief to see, 
erected by the side of the majestic temples of the Christian religion which 



rise within the circuit of her walls conventicles and halls where they pretend 
to worship God with heresy, which is a rebellion against God himself.'' 

Never mind the POPE'S persuasion no doubt firm that Protes- 
tant churches are nearly, if not quite, as bad as heathen temples. 
But, by the way, your Reverences, pray observe that, among the 
conventicles and halls of heresy which his Infallibility condemns, 
he would infallibly include any edifices in which you might perform 
your " High Celebration," and all the rest of your imitative high 
jinks how "high" soever. 

To return, however, to the POPE'S neat parallel between the 
temples of antiquity and the abodes of iniquity. He omits to men- 
tion any temples of Minerva. Would he not, if he had thought of 
it, have denounced them, too? Would not Minerva have served 
him to denote modern science, and her temples to signify those insti- 
tutions and schools wherein are taught discoveries in conflict with 
dogmas ? Now here is a subject on which Infallibility, no longer on 
strike, might exercise itself with advantage. What would we give 
it satisfactorily to reconcile the conclusions of Science with the 
teachings of Theology ? Any amount of Peter's Pence. If Infalli- 
bility could only do that, it would prove itself an oracle indeed. 

In the meanwhile, may it please Infallibility speedily to endorse 
DR. NEWMAN'S explanation of it, discover a modus vivendi with 
VICTOR EMMANUEL, come to terms with BISMARCK, he content with 
supremacy in its own sphere, speak peace to Europe, and breathe 
effectual benediction urbi et orbi. 



Ladies' Colleges Take Notice. 

THE following advertisement appears in a recent number of the 
Summerside Journal (Prince Edward's Island) : 

WANTED, a FIRST-CLASS TEACHER for the Northam School. 
Lot 13. A Male Teacher preferred, one a little ordinary, so that he 
may not attract the attention of female scholars. 



90 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 27, 1875. 




FELINE AMENITIES. 

" Br THE, BYE, CLARA, I IXPECT A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE THIS AFTERNOON MAJOR MINIVER." 

"HORRID MAN! I CAN'T BEAR HIM." "AND war, PRAY?" "BECAUSE I KNOW HE BATSS ME!" 

" DOES HE, BEALLY? / THOUGHT HE SCARCELT KNEW YOU)" 



MRS. GAMFS EXPOSTULATION. 

" As to the intentions of Government, he did not know what conclusions 
Honourable Gentlemen might have drawn from speeches that no one listened 
to, or dull newspapers that no one read." MK. DISUAKLT, in his Opening 
Speech of the Session. 

WHICH I know that a Wiper's a Wiper, and, nussed in one's 

buzzum, will bite ; 
And it's many's the time I've been called dull and stupid by 

Radical spite 
They 're that bragian, and bold, and owdacious ! but BENJAMIN, 

pride of my 'art, 
For you for to turn and to sting me like this, makes your SAIKEY to 

smart ! 

I was always your backer, my BEN, and my pattens and likewise 

umbrella 
Always yours to command agin GLADSTONE, that upstart and 

imperent fella : 
And now that he 'B down and you 're up which I 'm 'appy and 

proud for to see 
Is it like you, my BEN, is it like you, to take and to round upon me f 

Which if I did chivvy them Rads, in a way as was 'eavy and "ot, 
Why you did it yourself, and you know they 're a bage and a bragian 

lot: 
When you gave 'em a bit of your mind in your famous Bath letter, 

my BEIT, 
And your faithful old SAIEEY rej iced did you cheek her or chaif at 

her then ? 

My cotton umbrella, I swear, is worn down to the huttermost stump, 
Through applaudin' each 'it with a prod, and salutin' each pint 
with a thump, 



When my BENJAMIN battled with BILL, which he 's one I could 

never abide 
And now do you scorn your old Nuss, as has ever proclaimed you 

'er pride ? 

If I spattered your foes with my mud, 'twas for your sake I laid it 

so thick 
And acause that 's the way to make sure that some of the lot, p'raps, 

'11 stick. 
If the people who cheered People's WILLIAM, now throw up their 

caps. BEN, for you, 
Some thanks for this change for the better I did think to SAIEEY 

was due. 

But now you can turn up your nose in my face, while them 

Telegrafts snigger, 
And them dratted young Ekker-boys shouts at my 'brella, and 

pattens, and figger. 
Wich I know it 's a Wale, and my tears have made six pocket- 

'andkerchers damp ; 
But for you, BEN, to turn such a Wiper ! it 's that crushes poor 

SAIKEY GAMP ! 



" Whichever you Please, my Little Dears." 

WE are glad to see that the Vestry of St. George's Hanover 
Square, have split the difference between Interment and Crema- 
tion, for that important and aristocratic Parish, by the following 
impartial announcement : 

"The Vestry have contracted with the Scavengers for the Dust and Ashes 
of the inhabitants." 

INSCRIPTION FOE MB. HOLLOWAY'S IDIOT ASYLUM. 

NOT oft is Fate so just see wealth restored 
Back to the simple source from which it poured ! 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. FKBRUART 27, 1875. 




A NICE DISTINCTION. 



DB. K-N-LT. "VERY SORRY, MY DEAR MR. MITCHELL, I SHAN'T HAVE THE PLEASURE OF YOUR 
COMPANY IN THE HOUSE. BUT WE MUST DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW. WE DRAW IT 
AT CONVICTS." 



FEBRUARY 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



93 




THE GOVERNMENT AND THE CIVIL SERVICE. 

R. PUNCH has much plea- 
sure in publishing the fol- 
lowing Minute, which has 
been sent to him, under 
the seal of confidence and 
marked strictly private, by 
the P-M-N-T 8-C-i-T OF 
THE TE-S-T : 

"The FIRST LORD or 
THE TB-S-RT and the 
CH-C-B OF THE EX-CH-R 
state to the Board, and to 
Mr. Punch, that the 
praiseworthy efforts of 
the Conservatives, during 
their prolonged but in- 
voluntary absence from 
Office, to get up steam in 
the Civil Service have been 
attended with a success 
which renders it necessary 
that the F. L. and the C. 
of E. should at once pro- 
ceed to sit upon the safety- 
valve. The F. L. and the 
C. of E. call the attention 
of the Board and Mr. Punch to the fact that Members of the Civil 
Service have lately been in the habit of giving to the Public infor- 
mation derived from official sources. This, it need hardly be stated, is 
in direct opposition to all the received traditions of the Civil Service. 
For many years past the Public have constantly endeavoured to 
obtain, from Civil Servants, information derived from official 
sources, but they have all but been repulsed, not always civilly, 
and have been compelled to go away from the offices, at which their 
inquiries were made, with no more intelligence than they invariably 
carried there. The F. L. and the C. of E. desire to impress upon 
Civil Servants the great Conservative principle Stare super antiguas 
viat, and, with that view, lay down the following rules, which 
they request the Board and Mr. Punch to promulgate : 

1. In the highly improbable event of a Civil Servant having any 
information to give, he is requested to take it, between the hours of 
twelve and two, to the Chief of his Department, who will commonly 
be found the person most in need of it. 

2. If he should desire to communicate this information in writing, 
he will be careful to write on foolscap, with a half margin, and to 
write on one side of the paper only ; any departure from this rule 
will compel the Chief of the Department, to whom the communica- 
tion is addressed, to consign it to the waste-paper basket. 

3. It is not intended by these regulations to prevent the POST- 
MASTER-GENERAL from stitching advertisements of breakfast bacon 
and the latest sewing-machine, into the cover of the British Postal 
Guttle. As this information is of no use to anybody, the F. L. and 
the C. of E. are quite willing that it should be freely imparted to 
the Public. 

4. It is not intended by this minute to deprive the Public of any 
information which they do not desire to possess, but it is the desire 
of the Government to protect the Public against those cries for 
reform and better treatment from the servants of the Public, which 
were quite reasonable and natural so long as a Liberal Administra- 
tion was in power, but ceased to have a ration d'etre when the Con- 
servatives came into office. 

5. Civil Servants will no doubt urge that, between 1868 and 1874, 
they were taught to regard "CoDLEK as their friend." They will 
observe that, though "CODLIN" is still very much "their friend," 
he is in no way debarred from punching their heads, when they 
take an undue advantage of his friendship. 

6. It has been stated that " several Members of the Civil 
Service have openly connected themselves with the public Press, 
either as editors, or members of the staffs of newspapers, or as 
directors of a Company, which has undertaken the publication of 
a periodical." This comes of the Civil Service Commissioners, 
and Competitive Examinations, and shows that Civil Servants have 
been educated up to a dangerous point of intelligence. In future 
they must abstain from contributing to any but the following 
periodicals the Grocer, the Exchange and Mart, and the Matri- 
monial News. 

7. The Board, which ought to regard the Heads of Departments 
as integral parts of itself, will instruct them to communicate this 
minute to all persons under their control. 




THE BEST SORT OF WOOLWICH INFANT. The PRINCE IMPERIAL. 



DIRECTORS' QUALIFICATIONS. 

T is proposed to 
institute Com- 
petitive Exami- 
nations of per- 
sons desirous of 
becoming Direc- 
tors, Secretaries, 
or promoters ot 
Public Compa- 
nies. Should the 
papers (of which 
the following are 
specimens) be 
answered satis- 
factorily, the 
Candidates will 
be immediately 
eligible for em- 
ployment in the 
City. 

EXAMINATION 
PAPER FOR 
DIRECTORS. 

1. What is 
your qualifica- 
tion for the post? 
Have you been 
(o) a member of 

the Government of British Timbuctoo ; (6) the Parliamentary 
Representative of the Free and Independent Electors of Bribe- 
borough ; or (c) a Managing Director of the Herne Bay, American 
and Spanish Credit Financier Company ? 

2. Do you know anything of the business of the Company of 
which you desire to become a Director ? If you are forced to answer 
this question in the affirmative, state any extenuating circumstances 
that may occur to you. 

3. Give your method for examining the books of a Company, 
without looking at the items or testing the totals. 

4. Explain the theory of "how not to do it," and give a Table of 
what you consider reasonable Directors' Fees. 

6. How many " qualifying shares " will you require in return for 
your name and in payment of your trouble? 

EXAMINATION PAPER FOR SECRETARIES. 

1. How many " Names " can you add to a list of Directors ? 

2. Can you undertake that your nominees shall give no trouble at 
the meetings of the Board P 

3. Do you thoroughly understand Financial Cookery in all its 
branches P 

4. Do you know how to dress up a Minute Book ? 

5. How much do you charge per annum for holding your tongue 
and shutting your eyes ? 

EXAMINATION PAPER FOR PROMOTERS. 

1. How many times have you been a Bankrupt P 

2. Do you thoroughly understand the various methods of evading 
payment of a County Court summons P 

3. Show to the satisfaction of the Examiners that 2 added to 3 
amounts to 27. 

4. _ Write out Prospectuses for the following imaginary Companies, 
proving them all to be the most lucrative investments that have ever 

submitted to an intelligent public : 

a) The Goodwin Sands Railway Company. 

4) The North Pole Wine Manufacturing Company. 

c) The Swiss Sea-Salt Company. 

.0) The Moon and Stars Diamond Fields Company. 
. State (o) the countries under extradition treaties with England ; 
(6) the offences cognisable under such treaties respectively ; and (c) 
given a financial emergency, describe, on the map, the most expe- 
ditious and secret route to Spain. 



The Bight man in the Bight Place. 

A LADY, informed by her husband that DR. KENEALT was to be 
the latest addition to TUSSATTD'S Exhibition, very naturally inquired, 
" To The Chamber of Horrors ? " 



A NONCONFORMIST DIFFICULTY (in the "Earth to Earth" Move- 
ment}. Their conscientious objection to anything bearing the name 
of Wicker. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 27, 1875. 







REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST. 

Traveller in Ireland (who has been into a Shebeen). " BCT ARE YOU NOT GOING TO BAIT THK HORSB?" 
fat. " Is IT BATE HIM '! Sums, AND DIDN'T I BATE HIM ENOUGH COMING ALONG?" 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

A Restless Night. 

HAPPY TuouoHT.'Beiare going to bed, to place by the bedside 
small table, with candles, matches, and writing materials ; so that, 
in case I pass a sleepless night, I may make some notes for my 
Queries of Humanity. 

My Aunt, who is very anxious about me just now, has taken up 
her abode for the night in the room next to mine. It is divided 
from my room by a thin partition, " Which," my Aunt has pointed 
out to me, in making the new arrangement, " is an advantage ; 
because, if you are at all restless, or want anything in the night, 
you've only to call me I shall hear you at once." 

It is very kind and considerate of her. Her great object is to 
prevent my getting out of bed and catching a fresh cold. 

Happy Thought. I feel so drowsy, the effect, I fancy, of the 
combined remedies proposed by ENGI/EMORE, that I am happily 
certain of being asleep almost the moment after lying down in bed. 

I am just dropping off, when I am suddenly aroused by the most 
awful sound, as of a person struggling for life in a choking tit. 

It lasts a few seconds, then ceases. 

It occurs to me, awaking, all at once, to vivid consciousness, that 
this is my Aunt snoring. 

The last line of a nursery rhyme flashes across me, " Let us hope 
little BILLY won't do it again." Substituting "Aunty" tor 
" BILLY," the quotation is admirably adapted to the present cir- 
cumstances. 

Already I have had the drowsiness taken out of me by merely this 
first snore. 

Happy Thought. Subject for a picture" Her First Snore." 
The picture should exhibit the intensity of her snore by the expres- 
sion of his face. 

1 should never have thought, but for this expression, that one 
could have heard snoring so distinctly through a partition which is, 
at least, a wall of lath and plaster. If I recollect rightly, a 
thorough-going liar is proverbially described as one who could " lie 



through a deal board or a brick wall." This would suit a snorer of 
extraordinary powers. As the night goes on, I am inclined to say 
of my Aunt, " She can snore through a brick wall." 

If she would only make her intervals longer between her snores 
there might be some chance of my getting off to sleep between the 
last note of snore Number One and the commencement of the first 
bar of snore Number Two. 

Thoughts while lying awake. I 've heard old nurses, and people 
who, three hundred years since, would have been termed "neigh- 
bours " and " gossips," call snoring " driving pigs to market," but 
I cannot see the aptitude of the illustration. 

[ Happy Thought. I like encouraging myself to get into a train 
of thought like this, as it generally results in the train running off 
the main line, and, after travelling through the vague country of 
Muddlehead, shunting itself into a sleepy siding, and there remain- 
ing happily unconscious till morning.] 

For instance there 's my Aunt at it again. She has begun exactly 
at the very moment when I feel that had I been only left to myself 
I should have been asleep. 

Pigs going to market, indeed ! Not a bit like it. 

Now it seems as though, somehow or other, she were getting a 
corkscrew out of her throat. Up it 's coming, gradually, gradually, 
the tone becoming more acute each time, and the key of the snore 
sharper and sharper, by what seems to be increasing tension. '. 
almost expect to hear something go pop. Shall I wake her up ? 
Shall I knock at the wall ? "Would a sudden waking start have an 
ill effect on her ? Perhaps I 'd better not. I '11 bear it. I '11 fight 
against it, with my eyes shut. 

Happy Thought. Since sleep won't come to me, I must go to 
sleep. 

Incentives. I think of SHAKSPEABK'S lines about sleep. Count a 
hundred backwards. My pillow has become hot and feverish. 

Happy Thought. Turn it. 

The cool side of the pillow refreshes me. Now then for SHAK- 
SPEAKE again. " Sleep, gentle sleep, Nature's soft nurse, how have 
I frighted thee " 

A snore comes like a bradawl right through the partition and into 



FEBRUARY 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



95 




A REASON FOR CALLING. 

Visitor (naively). " WELL, I CERTAINLY NEVER DREAMT I SHOULD FIND YOU AT HOME ON 

SUCH A LOVELY AFTERNOON AS THIS ! " 



KNAVES OF SPADES. 
(In re Boss and Brt'uss against the World.") 

IF you call a spade a spade, 
What a blunder you '11 have made ! 
Say " a horticultural tool," 
Blunt for knave and sharp fr fooL 
Phrase which no offence contains, 
While the spade a spade remains. 

Spades, to them that call them spades, 
Mostly prove vindictive blades. 
Spades, so-called, have many a friend ; 
Aid oft Judge and jury lend, 
When high damages arc prayed 
By the spade that 's called a spade. 

There 's a House, wherein to name 
Spade a spade is to defame. 
"Spade "is, of all terms that be, 
Most unparliamentary, 
And the word, howe'er exact, 
Is a term you must retract. 

He that 's forced his words to eat, 
Has the very worst of meat ; 
That 's the least that can befall 
Those who rashly spade dare call 
Any spade within that place, 
Though of spades you call him Ace. 

Tet a man by worth and weight, 
A right worthy magistrate, 
Spades called truly spades can scout, 
Kicking the complainants out. 
Bless tneir hearts, whoever do 
MIBTBB GABRIEL ! Sir, to you ! 



A NEW COMPLAINT. 

A YOUNO Gentleman in the Civil Service, 
who has been absent from his duties for 
some days, wrote to the head of his De- 
partment yesterday that he is suffering 
from (Refreshment) Room-atism. 



EXACTLY THE MAN FOB THE WOBK. 
SIB WILFBLD LAWSON, as the New Public 
Prosecutor. 



my ear. It resembles nothing so much as the swearing of a cat, and 
the sharp, spiteful growl of a small, snappish dog, combined. 

1 can't sleep. It 's no good. I can't. 

Happy Thought. Strike the light lucifer. 

See what the time is Two! ! * I shall be worse to- 
morrow. There 's another snore, with a sigh * I really must 
knock and remonstrate * There 's another. It must be painful 
to her : and yet she is asleep, enjoying herself, and I am becoming 
more and more feverish every minute * Now the snoring is 
regular, as though, after all these attempts, she had, so to speak 
got into her stride, and settled down to exactly what she wanted * 
1 must stop it I knock softly No answer Another 
Snoring aggravated I am losing my temper 
A loud and sharp knock from me-a loud, jerky, pop-gunny, soda- 
water- bottle-cork-ooming-out snore from her. She has awoke. 

My dear Aunt," I say, with my lips at the wall, " I do wish you 
wouldn't snore so." 

"My dear," she returns, quite clearly, "I wasn't snoring. It 
was you." 

This is too much. 

"My dear Aunt," I remonstrate, " why, I wasn't even asleep." 

bhe answers : ' I daresay you think you weren't asleep, but your 
snoring awoke me some time ago, and I 've been awake ever since. 
1 nerer snore. 

The case is beyond argument, unless I could wake her up to catch 
herself snoring. I suggest that she should not go to sleep for the 
next quarter ot an hour, as I haven't had a wink all night. 

Il.ippy Thought. Drop off before she snores. 

She promises. 
Very well, dear. You 're sure you don't want anything ? " 

this time " y U> r8ply ' " nly '*"'' Let me get to sleep first ' 
" Very well, dear. I hope you '11 be better to-morrow." 
1 turn on my right side. I shut my eyes. Now I feel that 

Morpheus, drowsy god 



" K-r-r-r-r-r-r-q-w-a-r " 

My Aunt again, with variations on a corkscrew and a policeman's 
rattle. I turn round sharply. She has broken the trace. I rap at 
the wall. 

" Aunt, do be quiet." 

Her voice, mildly and drowsily: "Yes, dear. I'm not snoring. 
Iknoto when I do, and I'll stop myself." 

This is satisfactory as far as it goes, but it only goes just so far as 
to give me time to turn, and then 

" Krrrrr-quarrr-queeee-quarr " 

Pigs, ducks, geese, corkscrews, saws, and soda-water-bottles 
suddenly opened, all in one snorer's battery. " 'Tis grand to have a 
giant's strength " I forget the remainder of the quotation, but 

tdlli'T it 1C ** an/1 IIBA if Itlrn a lamVt " fiViA ;ii>i <limt 1 <r A..n.a -rt., 



A AVi K DU v*v I CUIMUIUCL \Jl 1,1 1 G 14 LIU l/Ct \ji\JU. j UUl; 

use it like a lamb." She evidently does not know 



fancy it is, 
her power. 

Happy Thought. The Champion Snorer. 

I give up sleep as a bad job, "for this night only," as the play- 
bills say. It certainly shan't occur again. 



A Mistress who Understands the Times. 
(From the Newcaftle Journal.) 

MAID SERVANT WANTED ; liberal wages, and the work done by 
the Mistress. 

WE suppress the address, for fear of an ugly rush. 



A Final Cause. 

"Feb. 1". MRS. WHTBORN, an old inhabitant of Hastings, aged one 
hundred years and tive months." Daily Xtics' Obituary. 

WIIT-BORN ? Why, clearly, proof to TTOMS to give, 
That one old dame could past a hundred live. 



96 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[FEBRUARY 27, 1875. 




THE GAMUT. 

Jack Bowbell (beginning his Song). '"ApPY LAND, 'AppT LAND " 

Tom Belgrave. " ONB MOMENT EXCUSE MB, MY DBAB FELLOW BUT DON'T YOU THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WBRB 
TO SOUND YOUR M's JUST A LITTLB?" 

Jack Bowbell. "EH? SOUND MY H'&l" (Chuckles.) '"Snows HOW MUCH YOU KNOW ABOUT Music ! No SUCH NOTE ONLY 
GOBS UP TO Gt" (Continues.) " 'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND " 



THE YOUNG CORPORAL. 

" LE PETIT CAPOBAL " is no longer the only one of that rank in the 
Napoleon family. "Corporal His Highness the PBINCE IMPERIAL" 
has made such good use of his student life at Woolwich, as to come 
out seventh in order of merit in the first-class of Cadets, thirty-three 
in number, who have recently been undergoing the stiff examination 
for Commissions at the Royal Military Academy. The Prince 
gained this honourable position one which would have entitled 
him to the option of a Commission either in the Engineers, or 
Artillery, had he chosen to enter the British Army in the face of 
considerable disadvantages, being nearly a year younger than the 
average age of his comrades in the Commission Class, haying had 
an insufficient preparation at starting, and possessing, it is almost 
needless to add, but an imperfect acquaintance with our language. 
He appears to have been high up in mathematics, fortification, 
and artillery ; to have ranktd fifth in gymnastics, and what 
Englishmen will not regard as his least success to have surpassed 
all other competitors in horsemanship. 

Many may think that we have reserved till the last PBINCE Loins 
NAPOLEON'S best claim to the applause which greeted his name at 
the Woolwich inspection, when they read the following quotation 
from the report of the Governor of the Academy : " The PKIKCE 
IMPERIAL, by his invariable punctuality and exactitude in the per- 
formance of his duties, by nis perfect respect for authority, and 
submission to discipline, has set an example which deserves honour- 
able mention, even among his comrades of the Commission Class." 

The EMPRESS EUGENIE was present at Woolwich, and had the 
gratification of seeing the Prince take the command of his fellow 
Cadets and drill them to the expressed satisfaction of the Com- 
mander-in-Chief, and of listening, with a pride and a pleasure easy 
to imagine, and not hard to understand, to all the commendation 
bestowed on her son ; and he must be a very truculent anti-Bona- 



partist who could grudge the mother the happiness all that she saw 
and heard must have brought to her heart that day. 

To speculate on the young Prince's future career is altogether out 
of our province ; but to wish that he may throughout his life uphold 
the high character which he bears away with him from Woolwich, 
and to hope that he may have abundant opportunities of displaying 
his proficiency in gymnastics and skill in horsemanship it in an 
English hunting-field so much the better but not his knowledge of 
fortification and artillery seems to come as the agreeable and natural 
close to this record in the pages of Punch of his success as a 
Woolwich Cadet. 



HARDLY CREDIBLE. 

PUNCH is unwilling to believe, till the necessary question has 
been asked and answered in the House of Commons, the accuracy of 
the assertion in a letter published in Tuesday's Times, that 

" LADY FRANKLIN, the aged widow of SIB JOHN FRANKLIN, having asked, 
as the only favour she has ever sought from Government, that her husband's 
nephew, and the last representative of liis name, MR. WILLINGHAM FKANKLIN, 
should be appointed one of the two sub-lieutenants on the Arctic Expedition, 
has been refused ! " 

The writer adds, naturally : 

" Were there any grounds for this refusal, personal to MR. FRANKLIN, it 
might be justified as a painful necessity in the interests of the service ; but 
there are none. He is in excellent health, and stands as high as regards 
energy and professional ability as any officer of his standing." 

Punch and the Public pause for the question, and the reply. 



THE UNDEBTAKEB'S TEXT-BOOK. HADEN'S Dictionary. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 30. Loraine Road, Holloway. in the Pariah of St. Mary. Islington, in the County of Middler. at the Printing Offices of Meurs. Bradbury. Airnew, A Co., Lomlxrd 
8trtet, In the Precinct of Wb.itef.iars, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the ramh of St. Bride, City of London. STI;DT, February 27, 167J, 



MARCH 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



97 



A THOROUGH INVESTIGATION. 

n E loss of the emigrant ship, 
Crottbones, which took fire on 
the voyage to Australia, and 
was burned to the water's 
edge, all hands being either 
burnt or drowned, with the 
exception of one man and a 
boy, was the subject of an 
inquiry held yesterday. 

The Court was composed 
exclusively of Shipowners. 
MM. SKK.IKANT BUZFUZ repre- 
sented the Board of Trade 
and the charterers, while MR. 
PHDUTT attended on behalf 
of the relatives of the lost 
passengers and crew. 

MR. SKK.rKAvr \\vt.vn, in 
opening the matter, said that 
they were met to inquire into 
the loss of the ship ( 'rusabones, 
by fire, together with nearly 
five hundred lives. No doubt 
such untoward events would 
occur ; but, in order to meet 
the requirements of the Board 
of Trade, certain witnesses, 




man and a boy-would be called to pr 

desired anyone ' and that the vessel was all that could be 

The survivors who had been spending: the morning at the owners' 

ofliee, were then brought into Court. They looked still very ill 

nf tt t H ' a i e s , eam ? n ' deposed that he was one of the crew 

lie ( ,-oisbones ; he had been so ever since she was launched. She 

was then called .the DcatV* II,,,d. She went ashore on her first 

voyage, and strained herself. Was afterwards lengthened and re- 

?m ^ E T er > Ttl n / went well till the fire broke out. Couldn't 

^magme how she could possibly have taken fire. The cargo was 

>mj osed of pitch, tar, resm, oil, paraffin, petroleum, rum, brandy, 

f wme, fireworks, gunpowder, &c. Did not consider that an 

ntiauimable cargo. Thought the fire must have originated in one of 

e water-tanks. There were quite enough boats. None of 'em were 

any use. Was saved by clinging to a bit of a raft with the boy. 

ltatTic -- And tha t tow you were buoyed up. 



\ViixKss.-Was rescued by the Peruvian barque, Pwk-me-Up, 



S K lu KANT Buz FUZ was most happy to inform the Court that it 

P lnt e ' n m L ma p d , t0 - him ^ Her Ma J est y'3 Government intended 
presenting the Captain, m the course of a year or two, with a 
kaleidoscope and a tin speaking-trumpet. 

examination resumed : Considered the Crossbows one of the 
safest ships afloat until she was lost. Would not have the slightest 
lection to have gone to sea m her again, with the same cargo, pro- 
jded he was saved, and it was made worth his while. Considered 



to cross - examino the 

r f *t s . r f- ass embling, MR. 'SERJEANT BUZFUZ submitted to the 
Court that MR. PDUNKI- had no locus standi. 



SER.IKANT BUZFDZ. Some people are never satisfied. 

to Bay that they are not satisfied that the 



SERJEANT Brm-z. How could she have been well "found" 
when she was lost ? (Much lau,,hter, which tea, not suppressed.) 

>y who was saved was then called, and corroborated in every 
particular the evidence of the former Witness. Thought the fire 



, and 



1 iHtvt Stevedore was then c^e d by ME. 

said that he considered the cargo a most dangerous one. 

n he was stopped by MK. SKIUF.ANT Brxi-ra, who called the 
attention of the Court to the fact that Witnew dropped his " H's " 
8 T^ 6V1 ii y a J n< u t ob .i ction able and untrustworthy person 
stand dow^i objection, and the Witness was ordered to 

The learned Serjeant then said that it appeared to him quite 
unnecessary to address the Court any further. 



THE COURT, after consulting for two minutes 'and three quar- 
ters, said that it was certainly most unfortunate that the majo- 
rity, in fact, a largo majority, of the passengers and crew of the 
Lrossbones should have met with such a disagreeable fate, but 
it could not be helped. Everything that science, experience, and 

:ill, as well as petroleum, pitch, tar, gunpowder, spirits, and other 
powerful agents, could do, had been done, and the Court only hoped 
that the owners were fully insured. If the unfortunate Captain 
were before them, the Court would have immediately granted him a 
new certificate, in case his old one should have been burnt. The 
Court were unanimously of opinion that the cargo was of a most 
harmless description, and properly stowed. They would, however 
recommend that in future the boats should not be launched keel- 
upwards,; and that when CAPTAIN SHAW returns from Egypt he 
should be consulted upon the best method of suddenly extinguishing 
ignited spirits and petroleum, as well as fireworks. ' 

Mu. SKHJEAITT Rv/.fv/. entirely concurred with the Court, and was 
nappy to say that the owners were more than fully insured. 

Ihe inquiry then terminated. 



THE LATE LIGHT OF THE BAR. 

AJB " Young Locliinvar." 

CHOICE of Stoke-upon-Trent, lo, KENEALY eonfest, 
pledged to see the foul wrongs of SIR ROT.KH redressed ! 
save his grievance and gingham he weapons had none 
He went unabashed, and he went all alone, 
As though stainless in 'scutcheon, in fame without scar, 
Who e er equalled for brass this late Light of the Bar ? 

He stayed not for scoff, and he stopped not for groan ; 
What were ' Orders " to him, who takes orders from none ? 
But ere he alighted at Westminster Gate, 
The House was well-filled, though the Doctor came late ; 
* or the night s blushing honours were shared, and at par, 
Twixt JOHN MITCIIP.L and him, this late Light of the Bar. 

So boldly he entered the High Commons' hall, 
Among Whigs, Kads, Conservatives, alien all, 
While calm, cold, and cutting, the SPEAKER was heard, 
through the silence, unbroken by cheer or by word, 

In breach of the House-Standing-Order you are, 
Without introducers thus passing our Bar ! " 

" I stuck to the Claimant : his claims were denied 
Bench might beard me and Bar ; Bar and Bench I defied ! 
And now I am come, with this lost cause of mine. 
Like CROMWELL, to bid hence that ' bauble' of thine 
Learn how wide-spread my fame, whom the much-wroneed 

Gaikwar 
Had retained," had there not been that sinister Bar." 

Dropped by all like hot poker, JOHW BRIGHT took him up 

JNot e en from such lips should this House dash the cup 
It WHALLEY has spirit to lend me a hand, 
By Stoke-upon-Trent's new-made Member I '11 stand." 
But DISRAELI moved, " Waive the rule, better far : 
borne will force their way over, some under, the Bar." 

So the Order was waived, and unblushing in face 
He shook hands with the SPEAKER, swore, scowled at the Mace 
1 was some time e'er the House could its business resume 
What with Decency's fret and Propriety's fume 
While an old stager whispered, " We 're best as we are 
Stick to Orders, that serve, now and then, as a Bar." 

He touched WHALIEY'S hand, who fought shy, it was clear. 
And he reached the Hall-door, with the oabs standing near 
So light m the air his green gingham he swung ; 
bo light to his faithful four- wheeler he sprung 

I have won ! The trick 's done ! To the knife it is war ! 
bee The Englishman ! "quoth this ex-Light of the Bar. 

There were posters (four-sheet) on The Englishman's van 
With its damp quires the newsboys they roared and they ran 
\ olhed dirt at M.P.'s, as at Judges, there flew, 
But the lost case of ORION they would not review ! 
So persistent to pelt, from the "mark though so far, 
Was e er Member like this late Light of the Bar ! 
So says the Englishman. It is true the Gaikwar's afpnta in this country 
deny the assertion point-blank, but that is nothing in the l)ootot" war. 

COOK'S " EARTHLY PARADrsE.-A thick Wood in a thaw, when 
every tree is Dripping. 



VOL. i.xvm. 



98 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARcn 6, 1875. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE 




became the best, man for the work. Sentiment should have 



OF PARLIAMENT. 

AILWAT Companies, 
if LORD REDES- 
DALE had his way 
(Monday,Feb,1\}, 
would be bound 
by Act of Parlia- 
ment for ever to 
carry three classes 
of passengers, be- 
cause they have 
done so for thirty 
years past. 

LOBD CABLING - 
FORD, like Punch 
and most sensible 
people, can't see 
why, if Companies 
choose to give 
first-class accom- 
modation for se- 
cond or even third- 
class fare, they 
should not be free 
to do so. But 
LORD REDESDALE 
so loves the rule 
stare super anti- 
quas vias, he would 
extend it to Rail- 
ways. Probably 
he has no love for 

them at best. We fear they are democratic 
inventions levellers socially as well as mecha- 
nically, bringing dukes and ditchers under the 
same iron rules. 

LORD JOHN MANNERS, who has been proving 
that if " Manners makyth man," he can un- 
make men of letters, explained that his late 
dismissal of five letter- sorters was not for Oliver 
Tioist's offence of " asking for more," but for 
allying themselves with professional agitators 
out of doors, and fomenting agitation within. 
Firebrands can't be tolerated in the Post-Office, 
the contents of which are eminently combustible, 
particularly when brought in contact with the 

LORD JOHN is not a likely man to be harsh or 

hasty, and we should think the odds are that any punishment he 
inflicts has been well earned. 

MB. WATT asked the question England has waited to have 
answered, whether the Admiralty had refused LADY FRANKLIN'S 
prayer to have her gallant husband's last representative and 
nephew, an officer of pith and promise, appointed as sub-lieu- 
tenant to the Arctic expedition the only favour she ever asked 
of Government. MR. WARD-HUNT pleads guilty. It was 
decided that only two sub-lieutenants should be appointed. 
Great care was taken to choose the fittest of the forty-four 
who volunteered. It was impossible, for such a service, to let sen- 
timent prevail over other considerations. Had there been more sub- 
lieutenants, LIEUTENANT FRANKLIN would have been chosen. 

Now it ought not to be necessary to remind MR. WABD-HUNT that 
there is such a thing as " natural selection." It pointed to LIEU- 
TENANT FRANKLIN. From a good, by such a plea on his behalf he 
been allowed to prevail even to the extent of appointing a third 



sub-lieutenant, if necessary. What harder slap in the face to English good-feeling could the late Government, so abused for subordina- 
tion of sentiment to service, have inflicted ? "So like LOWE or AIRTON," people would have said. Let us hope MB. WARD-HUNT has 
not heard the last of it. 

Officers who want to shirk the disagreeables, say of Indian service, are in the habit of exchanging with those in whose eyes Indian 
pros, in the shape of extra pay and allowances, outbalance the cons. The War Office must now approve, not only of such exchanges, but 
the terms of them and the money that passes between the exchangers is atpresent limited to actual expenses. MB. HABDT moved the 
Second Reading of a Bill to put the money-part of the transaction out of War Office ken, leaving the barterers free to settle their own 
terms. The change has the strong and unanimous recommendation of LOBD CABDWJSLL'S Purchase Commission, including LOBD JUSTICE 
JAMES and LORD PENZANCE. 

Is this opening the back door to Purchase, barred out at the front ? 

MR. TREVELYAN thinks so, and MR. LOWE, and both spoke their minds strongly. It is a natural suspicion, and Punch feels with 
them a spontaneous horror of again admitting Purse thrust out with such difficulty, and at a cost of seven millions into the field of 
Promotion. Is the attempt but one more proof of the melancholy truth Nummos expellas furca, tamen usque recurrent ? But it is the 
poor man who will profit by the change, and who prays for it. There seems no question of that. If Doctors differ, it is not the Military 
Doctors. They are all for the Bill. It is the Civil Doctors who shake their heads at it. The weight of evidence seems against them. 
The report is very decided, and comes from men with a stronger bias against Purchase than for it. It is difficult to resist conclusions 
thus strenuously pressed : 

" It has been repeatedly and forcibly urged upon us that the prohibition of paying and receiving money for exchanges between officers on full pay 
is a serious hardship to some and a serious loss to others. It does appear to us that the complaint is a legitimate one. The new rule has obviously proceeded 
from an apprehension that to allow any pecuniary bargaining between officers in respect of their commissions might be as a letting out of the waters. 



MAIICH 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



99 




A WHISPERED APPEAL. 

" MAMMA ! MAMMA! DON'T SCOLD HIM AXV MOKE! IT MAKES THE ROOK so DAKK ! " 



bringing back bonuses, over-regulation prices, and the other incidents of the 
abolished system. We are not sati>/ird that there is any real danger of this, 
and ire are taliffied, on the evidence before us. that a return to the old practice 
as to exchanges would be very acceptable to the Army. There are many good 
officers of slender means who would be willing to serve in India or elsewhere 
for a consideration, and there are many good officers, more blessed with the 
world's goods, who for family or other reasons, or under medical advice, 
would be willing to give such a consideration. The exchange is an unmixed 
benefit to both, and would probably be a benefit, and certainly would not be 
detrimental, to the Sen-ice. It ought only to be effected with the sanction 
and under the control of the authorities, and on such conditions as to insure 
that nobody else is superseded or affected." 

So guarded, there seems more doctrinarianism than statesmanship 
in setting one's teeth against the Bill, though Punch owns it with 
reluctance. His heart is, with TREVELYAJT and LOWE, all for keep- 
ing money-hags out of barracks, even when it is for the poor man's 
behoof that they are untied. The Home carried the Second Reading 
282 to 185 -after the best debate of the Session. Perhaps our 
cynics may add, " and bad is the best." 

Tuesday. LORD LYTTELTON'S Bill for more Bishops but to be 
supported, like the Hospitals, by voluntary contributions, and only 
to take their turns in the House of Lords, there being no room, we 
infer, on the Episcopal Bench, or the temporal Peers not admitting 
of more spiritual infusion, without being " the worse for it." 
There was a very touching chorus from the poor fagged-out soul- 
gardeners, to the tune of "We've too much work to do." Cer- 
tainly the Church wants more governing in its present turbulence of 
high spirits ; and there seem good reasons for giving it more 
governors, if only they are chosen of the right sort more ERASERS, in 
fact, which in Episcopal classification stands for active doers as 
contra-distinguished from tall talkers. All the more, as the new 
Bishop's bread is not to be sliced off the clerical loaf none too 
large. Punch remembers WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR'S short scheme 
of Church Reform, once propounded in the Combination Room of 
Trinity, to the consternation of some grave and reverend Seniors, 
and the delight of others, 

" Give every Bishop 500 a-yenr, and make it death for him to leave his 

Diocese." 



We haven't quite got to that yet, in spite of the Liberation 
Society. 

In the Commons, a light and lazy afternoon. MR. SERJEANT 
SIMON wants a Select Committee on the working of the Election 
Petitions' Act of 1868. At present the upshot of our legislation 
seems to be that the honestest of candidates may be swamped in a 
pint of beer ; and that you have only to secure a thirsty voter, and 
somebody to stand a pot for him, to vitiate a return. 

The Government will grant SEBJEAXT SIMON his Committee. So 
it will grant SIR HENRY JAMES his, on| some late operations in the 
foreign loan-market. SIR HENRY'S recent oil-well experience seems 
to have led him into rich City diggings. He has certainly " struck 
oil " in the Costa Rica and Honduras loans. They may well call 
it Costa Rica after the British millions it has absorbed. What 
a man SKXOK GUTIERREZ must be for financing ! Perhaps he is a 

sleeping partner in the Lombard Street house of . But we 

must respect the incognito. Only, who can help taking off his hat 
to a genius who has bled JOHN BULL to the tune of five millions, and 
was within an ace of drawing 12,000,000 more, for Honduras, 
with a revenue of 100,000 pour tout potage, and who financed the 
Coita Rica loan of two millions, on security even more shadowy 
than that of Honduras. But while regretting the loss of SENOR 
GUTIERREZ to our own financing world, it is not to be denied that he 
has done a very pretty stroke of business as it is. 

LORD DERBY sees no objection to giving SIR HENRY his Committee. 
We should not have thought the solubility of the bond between 
fools and their money needed further illustration ; or that any 
revelation is likely to make it less soluble. But Select Committees 
seem the order of the day. Why does not SIR JOHN LUBBOCK ask 
for one to inquire into the circumstances under which wasps flock to 
peaches, and flesh-flies to carrion ? 

Wednesday. Bank Holidays are to be extended to the Custom 
House. We presume the Customs do not feel themselves "more 
honoured in the breach than the observance" of that wholesome 
statute. The more holiday-makers the merrier, says Punch. 

Thursday. THE BISHOP OF PETERBOROUGH moved the Second 
Reading of his Church Patronage Bill 



100 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 6, 1875. 



Put down the exchange of your living and my money 
What is such a hope but the most simple simony ! 

The Bishop's Bill is eminently well-intentioned, and will, we fear, 
only serve for the pavement of the place where good intentions go. 
The Committee they gave him last Session would not back up the 
absolute prohibition of the sale of next presentations, and finding 
that the simoniacal serpent can be only ;scotched, not killed, the 
Bishop is fain to he content with a Bill to diminish certain scandals 
in that sale of souls, of which the BISHOP OK EXETER painted a 
powerful, but not too sombre picture. Hear the Vox Templi 

" Their Lordships generally could not possibly understand the extent of the 
evil as he and his .Right Reverend brethren did, who were constantly meeting 
with persons in the lower classes, and hearing what they felt on such a matter 
as this. It was constant matter of conversation among such people. They 
felt it to be a kind of personal degradation that those institutions should be 
made the subject of bargain and sale, and they were taunted with it by those 
who did not belong to their own communion. The Nonconformist shopman 
taunted the Churchman in the market with the fact that the parish to which 
he belonged had been sold over his head, and that he had to accept the parson 
who had bought the place with his money. ... He entirely admitted that 
good men were brought into the Church here and there, but the gross evil and 
scandal of the sale would bo seen when it was considered what a man sold 
who sold a living. He sold one of the most important trusts which it was 
possible for a man to hold. Upon him depended whether there should be in 
the parish a good man, a judicious man, a devoted man, a really religious 
man ; or, on the other hand, an idle man, a careless man, an irreverent man, 
a man with a bad temper, a man with no heart in his work. . . . And was 
there oare taken that the person to whom it was to be handed over was a fit 
person to exercise it ? No. That was entirely left to the solicitor, whose 
duty it was to make the best bargain he could." 

Punch bids the Bishop's Bill all success, but with more good 
wishes than good hopes. Only this prophecy he ventures Either 
the Sale of Souls must go, or the Church of England. It is coming 
to that. 

On the Friendly Societies Bill Doctors differ. DOCTOR CAMERON, 
Member for Glasgow, able man, and member of the Friendly Societies 
Select Committee, thinks the Bill a hollow mockery, and moves it 
be read this day six months. 

MR. LOWE agrees with him. 

MB. COWEN (Newcastle-on-Tyne Democrat) declares, in the teeth 
of the Doctor, that the Bill is a good Bill, and just what the 
Societies' Officers want. Very probably, but is it what the members 
want? 

The truth is the Bill is an attempt to find a. locus seden di between 
two stools. Its framers want to secure the Societies against roguish 
managers and rotten tables of rates ; but they daren't take the bull 
by the horns, by; compelling a Government audit. Nor, probably, 
would the Societies submit to it. They prefer their liberty, with all 
its risks of rogues and rottenness. This being so, what can the 
Bill be hut a half-and-half measure ? JOHN BULL likes half-and- 
half. 

Friday. LOBD GRANVILLE thinks there ought to be no patent- 
law, and so does LORD HATHERLEY. Inventors think otherwise. 
Punch, on such a point, prefers the opinion of the brain-workers. 
LORD CAIRNS, who knows more of the Patent Law and its working 
than LORD GRANVILLE, is of their way of thinking. But this Bill 
for its reform wants a good deal of tinkering. MR. MABTIN tried 
hard, with.that touching simplicity and good faith which take all the 
venom out of his rabies, to prove that JOHN MITCHEL was not 
fairly condemned, though he gloried in his treason, because the 
Government did not try him by a jury certain to acquit, and that the 
English Government was at the bottom of the potato disease and the 
Irish famine. He seems really to believe so, this poor dear JOHN. 



A MASON WHO BUILDS WELL. 

SIB JOSIAH (loquitur). 

I HAVE been young, and now am old : and yet 
My struggling youth I never can forget 
Days when, touched slightly by Ambition's fever, 
I did hard work as baker and as weaver ; 
Days when, a prentice lad, I made gilt toys, 
And toiled an untaught boy 'mong untaught boys ; 
Days when I forged split rings, thus giving ease 
To hapless folk, obliged to carry keys ; 
Days when I shaped and spread the pen of steel, 
Weapon, whose point, driven home, the age must feel ; 
Days, when a new electric art was found, 
With fluent gold base metal to surround. 
The years rolled by, and I have had my hour, 
And Heaven, with will to help, has given me power ; 
So first I strive my childless life to crown 
By training orphans of this toiling town 
Which was my Alma Mattn strive to give 
Its fatherless a chance to learn and live. 



Next, on the day which ends my eightieth year, 
I found a school for sciences severe, 
So that the future worker may be told 
Truths all unknown to me in days of old. 

ME. PUNCH (loquitur). 
Hail to you, Nestor of your Town, JOSIAH ! 
Live still for years to tread the aurea via. 
Had Punch been born in luxury's soft lap, 
And found a golden spoon to eat his pap, 
He had admired the pluck this Mason made, 
From a poor serving lad, a King of Trade : 
Though he has never yet locked up his things, 
Yet does he thoroughly approve split rings 
Though his the gray goose-quill, he knows that men 
May well be thankful for the iron pen. 
And though he drinks from gold, in victories won, 
He likes to see the work of ELKINOTON. 
Let other men in other cities hasten 
To imitate the generous acts of MASON, 
Who proves, by deeds than logic vastly stronger, 
That Birmingham is " Brummagem" no longer. 



REGIMENTAL EXCHANGES. 



(Not mentioned in the New Sill,) 




HAT 



SOME COLO- 
NELS WOULD 
LIKE. 

To exchange 
the dominion of 
their wives for in- 
dependent com- 
mands. 

To exchange 
their paltry pay 
and comfortless 
country quarters 
for a Civil Ser- 
vice competency. 
To exchange 
their honours, 
uniforms, me- 
dals, and rank for 
means to lay by 
for age, and pro- 
vide for their 
families. 

WHAT SOME MA- 
JORS WOULD 
LIKE. 

To exchange 

their brass scabbards and gilt spurs for the enthusiasm of a Sub- 
altern. 

To exchange their dignified but vague superintendence of a half- 
battalion for real hard work. 

To exchange their showy rank for the responsible autocracy of 
the Colonel of a Regiment, or the pleasant independence of the 
Captain of a Company. 

WHAT SOME CAPTAINS WOULD LIKE. 

To exchange the system of "Confidential Reports" for open, 
above-board accusations. 

To exchange the smoky, stuffy, twenty-four hours of guard duty, 
for billiard-room 8. and B., or barrack-room bitter and bacca. 

To exchange the Purgatory of garrison life for the Paradise of a 
comfortable Staff appointment. 

WHAT SOME SUBALTERNS WOULD LIKE. 

To exchange the mechanical duty of inspecting raw beef and half - 
stewed mutton for the dolce far nientc of the smoking-room at the 

To exchange a profitless Parade for Squad Drill, or the Musketry 
Exercise, for a game of Polo or a Croquet flirtation at the Vicar's. 

To exchange the weariness of single-blessedness and the indepen- 
dence of the mess-room for the too often imaginary double-blessed- 
ness of marriage with a garrison belle. 

WHAT MR. JOHN BULL WOULD LIKE. 

To exchange a paper Force, commanded by Officers all good men 
and true but all more or less smarting under grievances, and com- 
posed of a Rank and File with about as many deserters as recruiters 
for a really efficient and contented British Army. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 6, 1875. 




INJURED INNOCENTS. 



IT 



" TALK V 
BDMBLE. " A REGULAR CROSS, I CALL IT. MIGHT JUST AS WELL 'AYE THE T'OTHER LOT BACK AGIN 1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 6, 1875. 




"ANY PORT IN A STORM!" 

(FRANCE, IN TERROR OF THE IMPERIAL EAGLE, WHOSE SHADOW LOOMS DARK OVERHEAD, THROWS 
HERSELF INTO THE ARMS OF THE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLIC.) 



MARCH 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



105 



SONG ON "SKY-BLUE." 

(A Shepherd'! Warning.) 



4- 



4 



\ 



MOM; we swains and 
shepherds, 'midst all 
these here downs and 
dales, 

Plain simpleness and in- 
nersunce as green as 
grass perwaila. 

We dpan't use no short 
mi/hures here, nor no 
light weights, not 
we; 

Nor chicoree-root in coffee 

Euts, nor hedgepiok 
saves in tea. 

The nateral projuice o' the 
land to 'dultrate we 
should scarn ; 

But shoddy can't mix long 
o' hay, nor devil's- 
dust wi' earn. 

And mutton must be, 'live 
or dead, all sheep, and 
that fur pure. 

We never doctors b' y aacon , 
though the primuat we 
do cure. 

What rogues they be that 
butter sells most part 
on't bad beef fat! 

Good milk and crame we 
deals in ; makes our 
own all out o' that. 

Milk sitcli as, draa'd from 
'neath the cow, a 
babby Prince med 
tope, 

Milk fit to meak a Syllabub 
on for to zet afore the 
POPE. 

We sends ut all to markut pure as when took new and warm, 
But accidents 'ool happen on the rightest manidged farm. 
As one sitch up in Barkshire did, this here last week we zee ; 
And ut only shows how careful honest farmers ought to be. 




"Tis of a London dairyman, one HANSON, Drury Lane, 
His customers about his milk did oftentimes complain, 
And had'n afore the Justuses for water'n" of ut down ; 
But he s'ore he always sold the milk in the state ut come 
to Town. 

One day he had a sample o' some Barkshire milk, 'a got 
Consigned to 'n out at Padduntun, there tested on the 

spot. 
The sender shall be neameless, though o' coorse no fraud 

'a meant, 
Hut there was too much waater in't by twenty parts per 

cent. 

They telegraffed a mtshidge to 'n, straightway to let un 

know, 
And 'count for that there waater'd milk if he 'd got any 

cause to show. 

Whereto he sent an answer back, the rasou to explain : 
The cans was left out/ide a shed, and the milk got 

drenched wi' rain. 

The case come up at Marrowbone, and, much 1 grieve to 

say, 

The Magisturt decided ut in a summery kind o' way. 
That Beak was Mu. MANSFIELD as the summunds come 

afoor; 
And he fined defendant full five pound, and ten guinea 

costes moor. 

You mates as holds what paatur'-land there be down 
hereabout, 

Henceforrads mind how in the wet you laves the milk- 
pails out. 

Then their containts won't ne'er be found too strong of 
ADAM'S ale, 

And we shan't get fined for supply'n' o' milk from the 
Cow wi' the Iron Tail. 



A Lesson in Punctuation Wanted. 

IT appears that the Alcalde of Colon has arrested DR. 
PIGGOTT an inoffensive British subject for no speci- 
fied offence, and that, notwithstanding the remon- 
strances of the British Consul, he has. sentenced him to 
imprisonment in the Calaboose, where the Doctor still 
remained at the date of the latest advices. Mr. Punch 
trusts that LORD DERBY will find the way to teach the 
Alcalde that he has over-rated the value of a Colon, and 
that such a sentence imperatively requires a, full stop. 



"BETWEEN OURSELVES." 
(By a Fireside Philosopher.) 

BETWEEN ourselves, I do not believe that anybody enjoys himself 
very much. 

As to wealth, do I imagine anyone to be really and truly wealthy ? 

Between ourselves, mind you, and I should not like this to be re- 
peated, my idea is that ROTHSCHILD himself subsists on borrowed 
money, and has to think twice before taking a cab for any distance 
over eighteen-pence. I shouldn't wonder if he isn't saving up his 
money to buy a new clothes' brush, a patent corkscrew, and a 
sardine-opener. 

Wealth ! We all borrow. Everyone's in debt to everyone else. 
It 's in our system. It 's in our solar system. The latest theory is 
that the sun's is only a borrowed light. 

Apropos of the sun, we don't see much of it in London. I know 
what you 're going to say that you "prefer the country, specially 
at this season." You were going to make that observation ? I 
thought so. Do you hunt ? " When you get a chance "I ex- 
pected that answer. That means that you have been out with the 
hounds, or perhaps the Brighton harriers, once in your life, and are 
uncertain whether you like it or not; but you wouldn't mount a 
horse on your own responsibility. Don't be indignant I know. 
And so you say you prefer the country to London. Do you ? You 
don't ! I know you don't. You say you do ; but you 're never in 
the country. Between ourselves, my dear friend, most people pretend 
to prefer a country life, it sounds simple and unaffected. 

There 's no more enthusiastic sportsman than the man who com- 
plains that he is tied to the City from one year's end to the other 
and can't get away for a " pop at the partridges " in Autumn. Pop 

at the par bah ! I '11 be bound he wouldn't know how to hold a 

gun, and would shut his eyes when he 'd got it up to his shoulder. 



He 'd rather be among the Bulls and Bears of Capel Court, than 
tramping through the oest preserved covert, in England. 

This doesn't apply to you, you say ? You love the country for 
its freedom. Freedom '( what freedom? "0, roaming about the 
fields ! " O, indeed ! My dear friend, this proves you to be the veriest 
Cockney. Just you go into the country and try to roam about the 
fields at pleasure. Perhaps you are not aware what trespassing 
means. Perhaps you are not aware what preserving implies ': And 
if, as you say, you are fond of going about with your dear old dog 
Fiilii, you would soon discover that in the shadiest retreats, in the 
most retired nooks, at the entrance to the leafiest glades, there is 
sure to be stuck up a notice about " Dogs not allowed here unless 
led by a string or chain. All dogs not so led will be shot by the 
keepers. Foot passengers are warned against straying off the regular 
paths." That s country liberty ! Why, you can't look over a stile 
without being halloo' d at by a bumpkin, and threatened with a 
pitchfork. " Picturesque, sheep, cattle?" Nonsense. When you 
enter a field aren't you perpetually clutching your umbrella, or 
walking-stick, in secret terror lest there should be a bull somewhere 
about ? 

Aren't you though you pretend to be so brave before the young 
lady whom you are assuring against the possibility of danger 
aren't you trembling lest one of the herd of cows might turn out to 
be a bull ? Don't talk to me of liking the country better than the 
town. We'll finish this subject another time. Let me tell you 
something in your ear ; a pig's whisper, my friend. Permit me 

It has been said that a man who believes in nothing, believes, at 
all events, in himself. Nonsense ; he judges of himself by others. 
Does he believe in others ? Bah ! Between ourselves, my dear 
friend, only I do not wish this to be mentioned again, I am sure we 
are all humbugs. You are. So am I. 

Don't protest ! My dear friend, I 've known you more than seven 
years, haven't I P Yes ? Ah, I thought so. Then stir the fire. 



106 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARt. 



[MARCH 6, 1875. 







THE CABMAN'S SHELTER. 

Enter MRS. GIACOMETTI PKODGERS. Tableau! 



A MODERN POLYPHEMUS. 

" An important arrival in Paris is announced in the phenomenon of a real 
living Cyclops. His name is PIPER WILSON. He is from Australia, and is 
twenty-two years of age. He will be exhibited on the Boulevards very 
shortly." Standard. 

MR. PUNCH is advised that the appearance of this modern Poly- 
phemus has greatlv confounded all political parties in France. The 
Orleanists assert that the Legitimists, acting on the conviction that 
dans le royattme des aveugles, le borgne est rot, have imported him 
as a possible successor to the COMTE DE CHAMBOBD. The Members 
of the Extreme Left are of opinion that his arrival bodes no good to 
the Republic, and declare, loudly, " Cela se voit a Fail." The Bona- 
partists are biding their time, but have been heard to hint, when 
the Cyclops has been mentioned, that his coup-d'ceil may be the 
signal for a coup-d'etat. M. THIEBS can make nothing of him. " I 
have talked with him," says the ex-President, " but 1 do not think 
we shall ever be able to discuss politics entre quatre yeux." And all 
the fair leaders of fashion complain, " Qu'il les devore des yeux.'" 
and that such an amount of admiration, from a one-eyed man, has 
an appearance of greediness which terrifies them. 

Mr. Punch thinks that the Cyclops would be sure to find a more 
appreciative public in England, where everyone who is deficient in 
something which ordinary people possess, is sure to be popular. The 
less we saw of Miss BIFFIN'S arms, the more highly we extolled the 
feat which she accomplished. If the Living Skeleton had remained 
among us, he would certainly have grown fat 9n his want of flesh ; 
and we have long been in the habit of establishing places of trust 
and profit for the benefit of those who have no brains. 

It is quite certain that if the Cyclops came to England we should 
be more ready " nout donner dans set yeux," than if he really had 
two eyes wherewith to return our stare. 

Mr. Punch is not quite certain that the Cyclops would do for the 
Civil Service, for he remembers that a rather fastidious Department 
once rejected a man with one leg (in every other respect eligible), 
on the ground that he was not " a perfect gentleman ;' p but 
he is quite sure that more than one constituency in the kingdom 



would rejoice to be represented by this one-eyed prodigy. He 
would be welcomed at Peterborough, where the voters do not appear 
to wish that their Member should be in possession of all his facul- 
ties ; and he would be received with delignt at Stoke, as a man who 
would see only one side of a question. If he were returned to the 
House he would bring a much needed addition of strength to the 
Opposition, for when the SPEAKEH cried, " I think the Ayes have 
it," he might be trusted to challenge the statement. Society would 
receive him with open arms, and if he could be induced to take the 
chair at the annual dinner of the supporters of the Ophthalmic 
Hospital, the value to that Institution of his solitary optic would be 
equal to that of the proverbial Jew's eye. 

Here he might live, reverenced by all those who admire " single- 
ness of vision ; " and, if he be of a proud and independent spirit, 
rejoicing in the conviction that his friends will be spared one half 
of the trial which awaits the friends of other men, inasmuch as 
when he dies they will have only one eye to close. 



A Specimen. 

LEECH, "a water-worm so called, used to suck blood." The 
heartless uncle of poor SAKAH PHILLIPS (whose sad story may be 
found in the Times of the 17th and 18th of last month) comes under 
this definition, not as a water-worm, but as a sucker of blood, if 
ever inhumanity in human shape could be so described. Why, this 
man has outdone even our West- End usurers, having forced his own 
niece to borrow of him at 260 per cent., and then, having been paid 
in full, through his refusal to lend her three shillings to save 
her from starvation, drove the poor creature to despair and suicide. 
There is, there can be, no such blood-sucking Leech anywhere as 
SAMUEL LEECH of Bethnal Green. 



CHANGE OF TITLE. 

ONE of the Canadian Oil Wells appears to have been called " The 
Moonlight." A far more appropriate name would have been "The 
Moonshine." 



MARCH 6, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



107 



^NURSERY RHYMES NEW SET FOR THE TIMES. 




ANDY PANDT, quite a 
dandy, 

Drank too much of S. 
and brandy, 

Thinking that by drink- 
ing more, 

He'd quench what he had 
drunk before. 



n. 

TH KRK was a little man 

And he had a little plan 
To build a gun of great, great size, 

For he 'd found that guns too email 

Were as bad as none at all, 
And small-gunned folks might be taken 
by surprise. 

When his biggest gun he 'd made 
(As gun-making was his trade), 
He found means to make a bigger gun 

still, 

A six-and-thirty tonner, 
Not inaptly called " a stunner," 
And known as the Woolwich Infant 
Bill. 



Then that little man again 
Went to work with might and 

main, 

And built up such a colossus of a gun, 
That no carriage could be made 
To move it whence 'twas laid ; 
And gunners, asked to fire it, cut and 
run! 

m. 

HICKETT-PICKETY, wonder when 
Cads will turn to gentlemen ? 
When the West becomes the East, 
The greatest smaller than the least ; 
That 's the very soonest " when " 
And perhaps, after all, it mayn't even 
be then ! 



THE ROTARY ROD. 
DEAB MB. PUNCH, 

INDIGNANT parents have sometimes reason to complain of excess in 
y8%M at the hands of hasty pedagogues. Knowing from personal experience 
imculty ot adapting the measure of stripes exactly to the magnitude of the 
lence, a brilliant and merciful idea has struck me, which, for the sake of 
humanity, I, with your permission, make public property. It is " The Adap- 
tation of Hair-Brushing by Machinery to Scholastic Purposes." With the 
assistance of the ingenious inventors of the Rotary Hair-Brush, I hope soon 
to perfect a machine on a similar principle, substituting the birch for the brush. 
Ine machine will be as delicately adjusted as a Nasmyth hammer, so that it 



will be capable of every shade of flagellation from the 
gentlest tickling to a severe abrasion of the posterior 
cuticle. 

By a skilful contrivance it will admit of being set (like 
a musical box, only in this case a human voice will make 
the music) to any degree of severity, according to the 
offence for which it is to be called into play. 

To secure this being done on the most approved 
principles, a Council of Head-Masters will be summoned 
to decide upon a graduated scale of offences and punish- 
ments, to be marked on a regulator dial attached to the 
machine. One of the Head-Masters, to be elected by 
ballot, will be called upon to test, by personal trial, the 
efficacy and exactness of the instrument. 

I need hardly dilate on the comfort and sense of 
security parents will derive from the adoption of my 
machine. 

I remain, yours faithfully, 

A PRACTICAL MAN. 



GUINEA-PIGS. 

( Vide (he late Oil-wells Swindle.) 

Am" Cherry Ripe." 

Gr/iNEA-pigs, Guinea-pigs, pigs, I cry, 

As Directors qualify ! 

At your feet your shares we lay, 

Not a penny there 's to pay ! 

'Tis high-sounding names we want, 

As decoy-ducks for our plant : 

Names to draw the Public in, 

Place our shares, and sack their tin. 

Guinea-pigH, Guinea-pigs, pigs, I cry, 

From the West-End, come and try ! 

Guinea-pigs, Guinea-pigs, pigs, I cry, 

Of the City why fight shy? 

With shares for the taking, if you please, 

And, besides, Directors' fees : 

Office work an hour a day, 

Lots to get, and nought to pay. . . 

Flats agog to risk their tin, 

Giv'n good names to draw them in. 

So Guinea-pigs, Guinea-pigs, pigs, I cry, 

As Directors qualify ! 

If you ask me what, perdi, 
Such qualifications be, 
I will answer, to be wise 
When to stop both ears and eyes : 
Shut your fingers on your fees ; 
See as your promoter sees, 
Hear as your promoter hears 
For what else are these long ears '< 
Be as fiat as he is keen : 
As he 's wide-awake be green. 
Then high np you will be cried, 
As Director qualified ! 

Guinea-pigs, Guinea-pigs, pigs, I cry, 

Why joint-stock adventure fly P 

If the Company should fall, 

And you o'er the coals they call, 

There 's the Counsel, and the Judge, 

To Shareholders to cry " Fudge ! 

How could Gentlemen like you 

E'er be parties to a do t " 

Such a buffer are your names 

'Twixt the greenhorns and our games. 

So, Guinea-pigs, Guinea-pigs, pigs I cry, 

As Directors qualify ! 



LIKINGS AND DISLIKES. 

THE lovers of the Shakspearian drama may thank MB. 
HOLLINOSHEAD for producing As You Like It at the 
Opera Comique. At least it is one more theatre added to 
the number of those to which you can go without know- 
ing beforehand that the play will be As You Don't 
Like it. 

THE NATUBAL END or THE (TBEICT) STOKERS' CHOICE. 
Smoke ! 



108 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MABCH 6, 1875. 




INNOCENTS ABROAD. 

A Room in an East-End Hotel. (Free Translation.) 

Johann (fresh from Bonn). " AOH ! HIMMIL, HANS ! WHITHER FAREST THOU 
THIS SUNDAY AFTERNOON, THAT THOU THUS THYSELF, so REGARDLESS OP 
EXPENSE, IN THY QUITE BEAUTIFULLBST GARMENTS ATTIREST?" 

Hans (ditto). " I WILL MYSELF IN HANSOMCAB DEPOSIT, AND so TO BBLQRAVIA 
PROCEED, THERE THE OUT-DOOR SUNDAY GAIETIES OF THE SO FASHIONABLE 
ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY TO MINGLE WITH, OBSERVE, AND PERHAPS ACQUAINTANCE 
MAKE. COMEST THOU WITH ? " 

Johann. " ACH, NO 1 I WILL TO THE HAYUARKST ON FOOT, THAT THERE I 
MAY THE SO WILD, RBCKLE88, AND BY-LAW-UNKES1 RAINED CUSTOMS OF THE 
STUDENTS PARTICIPATE IN, ENJOY, AND PHILOSOPHISE UPON." 

\_Both Gentlemen were much disappointed by what they saw. 



LONDON'S MODEST REQUIREMENTS. 
(Dedicated In LORD ELCHO.) 

THAT the Gas shall give a better light than the equivalent "of one farthing 
dip per foot. 

That our Cabs shall no longer be an ingenious combination of fever-ward 
and bathing-machine. 

That the Roads shall cease to alternate between dust-heaps in dry, mud 
swamps in wet, and snow-drifts in wintry weather. 

That Vestrymen shall sacrifice private prejudices to public good, especially 
in the matter of the best invention in wood pavement. 

That such alterations shall be made in the management of the heavy traffic 
of the Metropolis as to allow of free circulation in Fleet Street during the 
busiest hours of the day. 

That Vestrymen shall be forced to consume their own smoke especially in 
Vestry- meetings. 

That West End Tradesmen shall charge fair prices for unadulterated articles, 
and that the practice of sending in a bill that has been already paid a second 
time, on the chance of the customer having mislaid his receipts, be discontinued 
for ever. 

That the Proper Authorities shall keep a careful watch over cheap literature 



of the "penny dreadful" class, so that the minds of the 
young may not be corrupted by stories of famous (or, 
rather, infamous) thieves and cut-throats. 

That Rate Collectors and other parochial officials shall 
learn the method of combining business with civility. 

That the Policeman shall be instructed to protect foot- 
passengers from the importunities of Beggars and the 
violence of Roughs. 

That Inspectors of Nuisances shall do their utmost to 
abolish Organ-grinders and German Brass Bands. 

That all Cab-door Touts, irregular Crossing-sweepers, 
xmlicensed Boot-cleaners, and Street Arabs generally, 
shall be arrested without delay, and either speedily re- 
formed or improved off the face of the Metropolis. 

That a Bill embodying all these wants shall be drawn, 
read, sent up, passed, and Royal Assented, before the 
ilose of the present Session. 



SOLD! 

A SONG OF SIMPLE SIMONY. 
( AY.sy)rr//W/y ilnlii-ulril to t/IC BlSUOP OF PETERBOROUGH.) 

SOLD, sold, our living is sold, 

The verdant pastures, the sheep and the fold, 

To a Parson in au " all-rounder." 
No one asks, is he High, is he Low ? 
One thing alone they care to know, 

He 's a real ten-thousand-pounder. 

Nobody asked could he pray, could he preauh, 
Could he the lore of his Master teach ? 

Only and this seems funny, 
Unlike those Twelve without purse or scrip, 
The anxious question on every lip 

Was, " Has he come down with the money ':" 

He may be a sapient theolog, 

May be a rnyskTing, rollicking dog, 

Or as a Quaker steady; 
May in the pulpit be sharp or flat, 
Tender or agent never asked that, 

They asked, had he got the ready ? 

He had. He paid them down his gold, 

And the whole of the " snug concern " is sold 

Before you know what you 're at ; 
The sweet early English Church restored- 
Open seats, Table of the Lord, 

Beadle, bell-ringers and curate. 

Be he High, Low, Broad, be he young or old, 
That inferior Minister was sold, 

Though they tried a protest to dish up ; 
And the dear old ladies told with tears 
How he had served them well for years, 

What 's a Curate to a Bishop ? 

And so we one and all were sold ; 
What odds where the buyer got the gold, 

From friends, or from money-lender ? 
What if he paid his sixty per cent. ? 
It was ready rhino, when it went 

To the pocket of the vendor. 

So here 's " a cure of souls," in the cold, 
Brought to the hammer, disposed of, sold, 

Man, woman, child and widder 
As when in Queer Street you get in a fix, 
They put in a distraint and sell your sticks 

Gone to the highest bidder ! 






Longevity of Ladies. 

AN interesting paper, read at the last meeting of the 
Institute of Actuaries by MR. CORNELIUS WAI.KOHD, 
F.S.S., " On the duration of female life as distinct from 
that of the male sex." appears to prove that the former, 
on the whole, exceeds the latter. Why, if so, does the 
weaker vessel founder before the stronger? Because 
the weaker is the worthier. Away with the suggestion 
of SMELFUNGUS, that greater longevity may be owing 
to comparative freedom from those anxieties arising from 
the forethought which is a necessity of reflective intel- 
lect. No, you old Owl. The reason why women live 
longer than men is because they live better. 



MARCH 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



109 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

RXA virutnque. 
" Anas and the 
Serjeant - at." 
(Monday, March 
1st). Among im- 
pending probabi- 
lities about the 
remotest till lately 
deemed to be that 

tin- Sl'KAKKH 

should nave to 
commit any Hon- 
ourable Member 
for misbehaviour, 
or the House to 
throw itself on tlit 
arms of its Ser- 
jeant for protec- 
tion. But in these 
days of Home- 
Rule and House- 
hold Suffrage 
with the example 
of Tipperary and 
Stoke-upon-Trent 
staring us in the 
face it is as well 
to be prepared for 
the worst. The 
faithful Commons 
must feel comfort 
ia the assurance 
that their chief 
Executive Officer 
is not likely to fail 
of the suaviter in 
modo, or to fall 

short of the fortiter in re, should it be necesary to defend the 
dignity of the House against assaults from without, or from 
within. So M it. DISRAELI was not without full warrant for the 
Ultra-Disraelitish solemnity with which he announced that 
HER MAJESTT, as a gracious favour to her faithful Commons, 
had been pleased to appoint, in lieu of LOUD CHARLES RCSSILL 
retired in a blaze of regards and regrets CAPTAIN GOSSETT, 
the esteemed, respected, and popular Deputy-Serjeant of thirty- 
eight years' standing or, more strictly speaking sitting. CAPTAIN OOSSETT has surely 
earned his " stripes by this time as fully as LORD CHARLES his good-service pension. 
With the " stars," which the latter ought to be specially empowered to wear, Punch 
would have united the " stripes," which he has so mercifully, yet so manfully, admin- 
istered, whenever called on, throughout his long tenure of office. 

Then the House settled itself to hear SIR M. H. BEACH Fagus indefa(tfjaabilit 
describe, with a little too much leafage, as a BEACH'S verbiage may fairly bo called, the 
legal strait- waistcoat, by help whereof the Government hope to keep Irish tenants from blowing out 
their landlords' brains, and Irish factions, sects, and parties from breaking one another's heads, for 
the time being. In sum and substance, their proposal is to continue, with modifications, the Act 
relating to the free possession of arms ; to dispense with the Acts dealing with persons abroad at 
night in specially proclaimed districts ; to allow the Act for the summary seizure and suppres- 
sion of newspapers to expire (to be re-enacted if its repeal is abused) ; to maintain for two years 
the Protection of Life ana Property Act ; and to renew the Acts against Unlawful Oaths. 

The Opposition, by LORD HARTINGTON, said ditto to the Government. 

MR. SHAW, MR. POWER, MR. RONATNE, LORD ROBERT MONTAGUE, and SERJEANT SHERLOCK, in the name of Ireland, protested against 
Irishmen being treated like children. More 's the pity, says Punch, that Irishmen should behave like children, and that the necessity of 
treating them as such should be proved by the fact that while the strait-waistcoat is kept hanging over her head for to do her justice, 
there is very seldom occasion to use it our troublesome little Irish sister behaves herself, but, so soon as it is put into the closet, begins 
kicking and biting and blunderbussing as viciously as ever. 

The Home-Rulers could not keep up the talk against the truth longer than half -past eight, when they shut up, and the Bill was 
read a Second Time nem.-con. 

Tuesday. tin. CROSS is able to reassure MR. NEVILLE-GRENVILLE (who is uneasy on the subject), that the interments of illus- 
trious dead in Westminster Abbey are not frequent enough to endanger the health of the Congregation or the stability of the 
foundations. A Campo Santo } outside, would come too expensive. Besides, the Abbey is our Valhalla. Burial in an external cloister 
would look like being left out in the cold not half such " snug lying " there, as in the Abbey, to quote Sir Luciut Of Trigger. 

MR. CROSS, in answer to a volley of interrogatories, administered a well-deserved wigging to DR. HABDWICK, for his outrageous viola- 
tion of sense and decency in forcing an utterly uncalled-for inquest on the remains of SIR CHARLES LTELL. If this zeal according to 
indiscretion were not quite exceptional, "it would become necessary to clip the wings of Coroners" a sentiment the House ap- 
plauded. 

MB. FAWCETT rose to move that it is undesirable that Little HODGE in the country should have less schooling than Little GUTTBRBLOOD 
m the town. And so it is, and it is well that the House and England should feel it, and ponder it, and think hard how best to alter it. 
En attendant, LOUD SANDON pleads for time. The present Agricultural Education Act has only been in operation for eight months, 

.t is too soon to be pulling up the blade to see how the grain is growing. No harm, all the same, in being a little anxious, con- 
sidering how little FARMER GILES as a rule values education for HODGE'S lads, and how little HODGE himself knows of its value. 
BO, please PROFESSOR FAWCKTT, keep " pegging away " at this great grave question, or we may have ARCH and Agricultural Suffrage 
down upon us, betore our young masters have even learnt their letters to say nothing of the old ones. 

Wednesday. A great House for DR. KENEALY'S first appearance in his favourite character of the Injured Innocent, but he did not 




, ' 
' 



VOL. Linn. 



no 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 13, 1875. 




"IGNORANCE AND BLISS," 8cc. 

"TVHAT is IT, JOHN?" 

"VTsV, AS FUR AS I CAN MAKE OUT, IT 's ONE o' THESE 'ERE 'SCHOOL 

BOARDS ' AS A' BEEN SET UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND THERE 'a BEEN so 
MUCH ABOUT IN THE NEWSPAPERS, TOT7 KNOW ! " 
" AH ! " 



PETTICOATS IN PARLIAMENT. 

0, MR. PUNCH ! Now, wasn't it a shame of them to 
laugh at that dear darling, SERJEANT SHERLOCK, when 
he brought forward his Notion (I fancy that 's the pro- 
per word) 

" That it is expedient to remove the grating in front of 
the Ladies' Gallery." 

You can't think what a blessing it would be to us poor 
caged and cooped-up creatures, who feel like that poor 
darling of a starling in the SentimentalJourney, inclined 
to sing " I can't get out ! " when we go into the House. 
Besides half stifling us, you know the grating really grates 
upon our nerves. And then it stops the sound so, we 
can hardly hear the speeches, unless we keep our ears 
on tiptoe, as it were, and try with all our might. I 'm 
sure the House would look much nicer if the grating 
were removed, for it hides our pretty dresses, and our 
pretty faces, too, and prevents the fact of our presence 
being felt. If the ladies were but seen, although not 
allowed to speak, they might hope to have some influence 
on the course of a debate. I should so like to applaud 
when I won't say who is speaking ; and I think the 
savage rustling of our indignant fans would frighten 
odious men from calling us mere persons, as they some- 
times do when talking of the fairer sex. 

Your constant reader and admirer, 

AMELIA. 



P.S. Papa calls our gallery a Chamber of Horrors .' 
Not very polite, is it ? If he said it was a Gallery of 
the Pictures of Intelligence, it would be far nearer the 

truth. _ 

Brittle ! 

( What our quondam Wooden Walls have come to ! ) 

IN LLOYD'S list of Wrecks and Casualties, Feb. 22nd, 
we read that, on the Luxor steam-ship for Alexandria 
coming into collision with the Cyprian off the Bell 
Buoy, the former received considerable damage, " two 
plates .being broken." 

To what a pitch have we now brought the niceties of 
navigation, when a ship is considered to have suffered 
severely on a voyage by the loss of a little crockery ! 



MOTTO FOR MARRIED MEN (in certain sarage districts}. 
" Here we are, all alive and kicking ! " 



show, so the big House dwindled to a little one, to hear ME. 
COWTHI-TEMPLE move his Bill to admit Women to Degrees in the 
Scotch Universities. The weight of Scotch opinion above all, of 
Scotch University opinion is dead against the Bill. The Scotch 
universities do not see their way to mixed classes of both sexes in 
Anatomy and Pathology, and cannot undertake to provide separate 
classes for Ladies. 

In the meantime, it is hardly fair to ascribe the opposition to the 
Bill, as both MK. FORSYTE and MR. ROEBUCK did, to nothing better 
than Trades-Unionism. The Princess's Female University, with its 
' ' Prudes for proctors, dowagers for deans, 
And sweet girl-graduates with golden hair," 

is, as yetj a dream of the Poet-Laureate and the future. " Che 
sarri, sar" if it must come, it will come. " The readiness is all," 
as Hamlet says ; but it is not to be wondered at, if a good many 
Lords of the Creation, quite innocent of Trade-Union jealousy, decline 
to help forward what they deem a movement for doing away with 
Nature' s distinctions between its Lords and its Ladies assisting 
in an tmsexing operation, in fact. In the existing state of feeling on 
the subject, in and out of the House, it is not to be wondered at 
that MR. COWPER-TEMPEE'S Bill was thrown out by 194 to 151. 

Thurtday. " Quis Merit Gracchos de seditione querentes ? " asks 
JUVENAL. "Nothing we like better," say Peers and Commons. 
DR. KENEALY may boast that he has drawn the most fashionable 
as well as the biggest House of the season 

Members to right of him, 
Members to left of him, 
Members in front of him, 
Sniggered and wondered! 

All the galleries filled, all the gangways crowded; Peers up- 
stairs, and the Prince over the clock ! 
Had not the Doctor some right to call himself a lion ? though 



DR. PEHCY may find it difficult to explain where, under the actual 
system of ventilation at Westminster, ne is to get the dew-drops for 
shaking off his mane.- 

The Doctor arraigns MR. EVELYN ASHLEY, for having asked a 
knot of the Doctor's friends at Ptyde, who hissed some uncompli- 
mentary reference to him as an undesirable Member of Parlia- 
ment 

"What ! Do you think that that man would make a good representative 
who is the Editor of the Englishman, and who put a false witness into the 
boir" 

ME. LOWE did good service in recalling the House to a sense of its 
situation under the new liabilities imposed on it by the suscepti- 
bility of Members like MR. SULLIVAN and DR. KENEALY of an 
ermine-like horror of soil, nice, even to delicacy, as to the proprieties, 
and of a sensitiveness so shrinking that it cannot bear the least rush 
of the cold air that often comes in with the naked truth. He re- 
minded Honourable Members that breach of privilege is confined to 
imputation of discreditable deed or word by Member to Member as 
Member. If ME. ASHLEY had slandered DR. KENEALY, the Courts 
of Law were open to him. The Doctor contended, logicd sua, that 
MR. ASHLEY'S words, being spoken of him before he became a Mem- 
ber, must have been spoken of him as a Member. He did not believe 
in Courts of Law, and would see them all far enough ere he went 
into one for vindication of his character. He asked till to-morrow 
to comment on ME. ASHLEY'S admissions. But the House preferred, 
on MR. DISRAELI'S motion, to pass to the order of the day, and leave 
well truth's well, which MR. ASHLEY maintained he had drawn 
from alone. And so the battle ended (after a very guarded admis- 
sion from MR. ASHLEY that he might not have chosen the very best, 
audience to speak the truth to) re infecta. But it must be allowed 
that the irrepressible Doctor fully maintained his status a<? Lion of 
the evening. He bearded LOWE, sneered at DISRAELI, defied those 
who called him to order, upheld the Englishman, attacked the Chief 



MARCH 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



in 



Justice, claimed the protection of the House, declared he would 
shake off calumnies "as the lion shakes off dew-drops from his 
inane" and then suddenly changed the irrepressible guffaw that 
greeted this Miltonic image into a hearty cheer by his well-planned 
peroration : 

" I knew mid expected that I should have to face a great deal of prejudice, 
but I trust and believe that before many months have elapsed I shall show 
Honourable Members that I am not deserving of that prejudice, and I thall 
never do anything calculated, to make a single Member ashamed of my com- 
panionship." 

Then the House got into the mazes of the Army Exchanges Bill, 
in which it wandered for the rest of the night in a delightful state 
of exasperating contradiction on every point in connection with 
the Bill, its causes and its consequences, the dangers of it, the 
demand for it, its effects on the prospects of rich and poor men 
in the Army, the tflicieney of regiments, and the feelings of privates. 
Punch can "only admit helplessly that he 

" Finds no clue, in wandering mazes lost." 

The Bill was read a Second Time by 282 to 18C, after better speeches 
from MR. GoacHKN, Si it UKNHY HAVELOCK, and SIR W. HAJICOUBT 
against, than any made for, it. If Mr. Punch is asked his opinion, 
he prefers referring questioners to this week's Cartoon. 



A WARNING. 




" THE attempt to poison the Baroda Commissioner could hardly 
he considered a piece of Phayre play ; although SEBJEANT BAL- 
LANTINE might argue that it was only a jest on the part of a noto- 
rious joker (Guicuwar}." 

There I 

This is a specimen, and not by any means an aggravated one, of 
the sort of thing Punch has had to put up with, by the score, daily, 
since the beginning of the Baroda business. 

Can our readers wonder that we hereby give notice that any 
idiots, after this warning, sending us a pun on the name of 
COLONEL PHAYKE, SBBGEANT BALLAXTINE, or the accused potentate, 
whether bv his name, MULHA.R-RAO, his title, Guicowar, or his 
dominion, Baroda, will be proceeded against with the utmost rigour 
of the law. 

We don't know what that " utmost rigour " may be, but we feel 
it ought to be very terrible indeed in the case of outrages like this. 
Considering the hard measure lately meted out to offnders of the 
Press, we cannot but think that such offenders against the Press as 
the perpetrators of offences like the above would be heavily mulcted 
by any intelligent jury. 



Superfluous Institutions. 

THE writer of a recent article of the Daily News on French mad- 
houses expresses astonishment that there are only three Government 
Asylums in the Department of the Seine. And three too many, we 
should say. Would it not be better to transfer even these three, 
as soon as possible to the Department of the Insane t 



MATTER K)R CONSIDERATION. 

(A Dramatiied Report in part rtrdatim.) 
SCENE A Government Office. To PRESIDENT OF TUB LOCAL 

GOVEBSMENT BOARD (8ECHKTAUY and CHIEF SANITAttY IsSl'ECTOK 

in attendance) enter Deputation. 

Introducer. Permit us. Sir, to call your attention to the dangerous 
condition of the Regent's Canal. It receives all the sewage of the 
Zoological Gardens, and much of that of the neighbouring houses. 
People committing suicide in this sewage die sooner, being poisoned, 
than those who drown themselves in pure water. Du. BARTLETT 
here, our analyst, has analysed the Regent's Canal water, and finds it 
worse than the Thames water at London Bridge. 

President. I have paid the greatest attention to your statements, 
and do not for a moment question the analysis of Du. BARTLETT. 
The question is as to the power of the Local Government Board in 
the matter. 

Introducer. Matter most foul matter in the wrong place. 

President. Very true. It quite answers to PALMEBSTON'S definition 
of dirt. Certainly, the Regent's Canal is not the right place for 
such matter. But " we have really nothing to do with the sewage 
question, which is one rather for the Metropolitan Board of 
Works." 

Member of Deputation. They appear to be so busy in making new- 
streets and removing- ancient landmarks that they have no time to 
give to the removal of nuisances. 

President. Ah, nuisances ! True. As I was saying, we have 
nothing to do with the sewage question. " In case of nuisance, 
however, proving injurious to health, that is another questiwn, and 
may require consideration." 

3/< -in/iei: Sir, we are very glad to hear you say BO. 

President. Yes, Sir. " The local authorities of St. Pancraa are 
the primary authorities in the matter." 

Member. In the wrong place, please remember. 

President. Ha, ha ! \ es, in the wrong place. Good again. "But 
if they failed in their duty, then it might he that the Local Govern- 
ment Board could interfere ; but that question requires considera- 
tion." 

Member. May we entreat you, Sir, to he so considerate as to give 
it the earliest and most serious consideration you can ? 

President. Sir, you may. " It certainly does appear that the 
Vestry of St. Pancras could remedy the evils complained of. It is 
their duty to do so. As to the petition which has been spoken ef in 
reference to the Pollution of Streams Bill, that is a separate matter." 

Member. In the right place, I hope, Sir, that. matter. 

President. Sir, I hope so too. r ' I will, however, consider the 
whole matter, and communicate with you as to how far the Local 
Government Board can interfere in the matter, the importance of 
which must be admitted." 

Member. May we gather from that admission, Sir, that the matter 
will not be allowed to stay where it.is 1 The offensive matter, we 
mean, Sir, in the Regent's Canal. 

President. I understand. The matter, that is, the sewage in the 
Regent's Canal, the offensive matter, the noxious matter, the matter 
which poisons the people who try to drown themselves, and you 
justly fear will poison a great many more the matter in question 
requires, and shall, you may confidently assure yourselves, receive, 
I do not hesitate to repeat, once for all, every consideration. 

Member. And may we hope a little cleansing '< Awaiting which, 
allow us, Sir, to thank you for the consideration with which yon 
have so courteously replied to our appeal for rescue at the hands 
of Government from this pestilent matter. 

President. Gentlemen, you do me honour. 'Yonr meet obedient 
servant to command in any matter that requires consideration. 
Good morning, Gentlemen. 

[Bowing the Deputation out. PRESIDENT, SECHKTABY, and 
CHIEF INSPECTOR place Hutir fingers to their nuset, and 
wink at each otlwr. Scene closes. 



Law and Leather. 

IT is notorious that the wills of some of our most eminent lawyers, 
of their own making, have been, so ill-made as to necessitate litiga- 
tion, and not a few of them to have to be set aside. And now, 
of all great luminaries, LOKD ST. LEONABDS dies without leaving 
any will at all behind him, at least any will that can be found. 
The surviving relations of a deceased lawyer appear to be gene- 
rally, in testamentary affairs, of all people left the worst off for 
law. But is not the shoemaker's wife proverbially always the 
worst-shod woman in the parish V 



SWEET AND SILVEBT TITLE FOB A CITY LovK-Souo. " Emma 
Mine .' Emma Mine ! " 



112 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



i MARCH 13, 1875. 







PRESFNT COMPANY ALWAYS EXCEPTED." 



Aunt Emily (who thviks that Two's company, and Three's none}. " I THOUGHT MAMMA. TOLD YOU, BEFORE SHE WENT OUT, TO GO 
DOWN-STAIRS FOR THE PRESENT, MABKL." 

Mabel (who thinks Three belter tJuxn One). " WELL, AND so I DID ; BUT I DIDN'T FIND THE PRSSSKTHO HERE I AM AGAIN ! " 



FASHIONS AND FORKS. 

" A bronze fork with two prongs, discovered by MR. GEORGE SMITH in the 
mound of Kouyunjik, supplies food for some reflection." Pall Mall Gazette. 

" FOOD for reflection truly ! " Fancy lingers 
On that bronze tool, which long-forgotten fingers 
Wielded ere MAPPIN was. Amazing thought ! 
MAPPIN unadvertised, unknown, undreamt of, 
And this Assyrian person name not wrought 
In arrow-headed record, in contempt of 

Startled posterity, 

Leaves us his fork ; to show with what temerity 
We Western parvenus presume to mention 
One tiny thing of which we claim invention ! 

Beshrew this excavating style of history, 
Which finds all roots depp in the Asian Mystery ! 

One of its plainest morals 
Is that all modern bays are borrowed laurels. 
I 've not the slightest doubt they '11 next be proving 
That spoons preceded "spooning " in our story, 
And that in ladling punch as well as loving, 
In cookery as in courtship, all the glory 
Belonged to days before the Deluge. Nay, 
I swear that I should feel but slight surprise 
Did some exploring pickaxe-wielder rise 

To say, 

He has verified, from diggings on the spot, 
And the remains of some primaeval pot, 
They had kitcheners and hot-plates in Paradise ! 

I wonder what you ate with that same fork. 
Great A8SUE-BANI : PAL'8 unknown coseval ! 
That bronze and bipronged piece of cutler's work, 
Brought down to us from times almost primaeval. 
Wakes question to what banquets men were bidden 
In Babylon. 'Tis now a kitchen-midden 



For Western antiquarian ghouls to grub in, 
But when the tabors beat their rub-a-dub in 
Those mighty palace courts, it may be cates 
More savoury than barley loaves and dates, 
Such as had moved a Ninevitish Newman 
To call you coarse, carnivorous, inhuman, 
Defrayed the meals your high-nosed gourmets ate 

"A lafourchette.'" 

What did they call, in that Semitic jargon 
Men chattered 'neath SEJHRAMIS or SARGON, 
This bifurcate utensil ? Was it " manners " 
To eat Assyrian " Marrowfats " therewith ? 

Or did the planners 
Of Asiatic etiquette fiud " pith 
And moment " in the point of eating peas 
With something less of grace, and more of ease ? 
We hold there 's no forgiveness in this life 
For him who eats his longpods with a knife : 
But, " manners " being an affair of latitude, 
Would fain know Babylonian swelldom's attitude, 
In the great Bronze Fork epoch, towards a sinner 
Who ate peas with his knife at a swell dinner. 
No doubt the great Snnb family had been founded 
Even ere that, but hardly so abounded 
As in the days of Silver-forks and THACKERAY ; 
Primaeval wisdom lights us with a slacker rav 
Than shone on those who hob-a-nob'd with NINUS ; 
We "11 hope Akkadian cads were small and few, 
But could Assyrian Amphitryon dine us 
To-day, as when this bipronged bronze was new, 

Should we, I wonder, find 
That even our old friend Juventus Mundi 

Had its own MRS. GBUKDT, 
At whom SEMIHAMIS trembled while she dined. 
Although old Chronos, who such wonders works, 
Has changed our fashions as he has our forks ? 






PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARFVARL MARCH 13, 1875. 






\\ 




A FAMILY LIKENESS. 

SCENE The Horse Guards Back Entrance. 

SESTET. "CAN'T COME IN HERE, SIR. ISN'T YOUR NAME 'PURCHASE'?" 

MYSTERIOUS STBANOEB. "0, DEAR, NO. MY NAME'S ' EXCHANGE '-NO RELATION WHATEVER!" 

SESTET. " HM ! UNCOMMONLY LIKE HIM, ANYHOW ! " 



MARCH 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



115 



NURSERY RHYMES NEW SET FOR THE TIMES. 







n. 

LITTLB BO-PEST 

Has left her sheep, 
And found a new vocation, 

Exchanged her crook 

For pen and book 
And competitive examination ! 

Ixst her go in 

And prizes win, 
And n one snub or flout her, 

The lambs and ewes 

Which she now eschews 
Will do much better without her. 



DOUBT, I doubt, my fire is out, 
My little Wife isn't at home : 

She 's gone for a -walk, with our 

Curate to talk, 
On the road that leads to Rome. 



nr. 

LITTLE Miss' 

Sat on a tufiet, 
Reading the news of the day ; 

There came a big spider 

And sat down beside her, 
Inducing Miss MCTFET to say : 

" Don't think you alarm me, 
Indeed, no ! you charm me ; 

There 's nothing to which I bring more 
Unrestricted attention, 
And keen comprehension, 

Than entomological lore." 



UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. 

(From Our Special Correspondent.) 

CAMBRIDGE, March 3. 

BOTH crews are hard at work. Two days ago the Market odds were considerably affected 
by the substitution of SNAYLE of Cains for TUG o of First Trinity. SNAYLE has some good 
points, but, on the whole, he is too short in the reach, and not quick enough in his recovery. 
The outside Public, who seemed to have some fair ground for seriously objecting to 
any further alterations, will be gratified to hear that LONOBODY. of Corpus, the winner of the 
Tender Stakes, and MUSSEL, the winner of the Ladies' Plate, at Henley, are finally settled for 
three and live in the boat. After various combinations, the following result has been 
obtained:!. SWINKER. 2. DUMPLING. 3. LONG BODY. 4. SNAYLE. 3. MUSSEL. 6. Luoorrr. 
7. Bujfpus. 8. Rows. Two old Blues in the present boat; 

MOST IMPORTANT CHANGE. 
(By Telegraph.) 

CAMBRIDGE, March 4. 

Doctor's veto unfortunately prevents LUGGITT from taking his place in the boat. Gap 
filled by SWIGG, of Magdalene. Change most important, if permanent. 

(Our Speeial Correspondent.) OXFORD, March 4. 

The loss of "WiEEY, of Brasenose, would have been almost irreparable. Fortunately, at 

the last moment, he returned, and the boat is now made up thus : 1. STRETCHER (Ch. Ch.), 

i st. 2. BUCKET (University), 12 st. 44 Ib. 3. BROAWE (Pembroke), 12 st. 11 Ib. 

4. CRABBE (Brasenose), 12 st. 12 Ib. 5. RULLOCK (St. John), 13st. 41b. 6. BAY (Oriel), 13 st. 

Ib. J. WAYDK (stroke), 10 st. 2 Ib. This promises well. On the whole, they pull 



together, swing steadily, and show great 
strength. There are faults, however, of 
which it is but fair to inform the outside 
Public. CRAHIIE (No. 4) seems to want 
quickness in. recovery, and there is about 
him a want of catch at the beginning, which, 
while it militates against his efficiency, 
re-acts at the same time on No. 3, throwing 
him out of that life and dash which has 
hitherto characterised his style, and been 
one of the present crew's most' hopeful 
features. The outside Public need hardly 
be informed that, if there is any discrr- 
pancy of time or feather between 3 and 1 , 
the chances of ultimate success must bo 
considerably diminished. RASPER is build- 
ing a new boat, to be ready in a few days. 

CAMBRIDGE, March 4. 

The uncertainty of Swioo has led to a 
necessary alteration. TITE, of Second 
Trinity, was tried, but a better recruit has 
been obtained in STEDDTE, of John's. 
STEDDIE will make a stronger six than 
even TuGorrx, so that the public may con- 
fidently show their appreciation of the 
change. DUMPLING is now the ugliest oar 
in the boat. His back is bent, his shoulders 
are round, and his left is a good inch lower 
than his right. Practice may put him 
square in a few days; but, after so many 
changes, time is an object. 

(By Special Telegraph.) 

OXFORD, March 5. 

Slight change. CRABBE (No. 4 thwart) 
takes No. 1 (STRETCHER'S place in boat). 
ROLLOCK (No. 5) showed signs of weakness. 
CRABBE feathers under water. BUCKET 
does not bring his oar out with a dash. 
BAY (No. 6) comes well back. BULLOCK 
(No. 5) has a long reach, a good swing, and 
gets well forward. This somewhat detracts 
from the pace. However, in the absence 
of bank-coaching (the floods being out, and 
there being no banks for miles), and when 
uniformity of time and feather has been 
attained, there will be every prospect of a 
satisfactory result. 

(By Telegraph.) 

CAMBRIDGE, March 5. 

DUMPLING (No. 2) has lost his superfluous 
flesh, and, but for his feather under water, 
has a prettier look about him than before. 
Two shding-seats broke down (LONGBODY'S 
and BUMPUS'S). Taken all round, they have 
the material among them for a really first- 
class crew. STEDDIE has deteriorated, but 
his back is fairly straight, and his staying 
powCT good. His doctor gives it, as his 
opinion, that he may be confidently de- 
pended upon to last out the race. The out- 
side Public will, no donbt, think it a sign 
of wisdom that this slight chance is pre- 
ferred to the serious risk of bringing in a 
new man at, comparatively, the eleventh 
hour. 

(Later Evening Telegram.) 

OXFORD, March 5. 

Feather too deep ; not clean in leaving 
the water. A final alteration has been made 
by No. 1 taking the place of No. 8, and 
the weights are now equably adjusted. 
CRABBE is now stroke, and WAYDE, lOst. 
2lb., is bow. The new boat is very light 
and capsizes easily. This was proved on 
the first three trials. They now sit the 
boat pretty well. 

Latest Intelligence, 

Both crews hard at work. Betting 
6 to 3 x 2 on Cambridge. Even on Oxford. 

Latest Betting. 

PUTNEY, March 10. 
Six to half a dozen taken and offered. 



116 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 13, 1875. 




HOW OUR CITY-SWELLS COMBINE BUSINESS AND PLEASURE. 

(A Covert-Side Study.) 



IN MEMORIAM. 



Sttrnbak $eimetf. Charles 



(DIED FED. 1, 1S75, AGED 59.) 



(DIED FEB. 82, 1875, AGED 77.) 



Buried in Westminster Abbci/, Saturday, Feb. 6, and 
Saturday, Feb. 27. 



Two sisters strew with flowers two neighbouring graves, 
And each between those graves her blossoms shares : 

Art from her BENNETT'S wreaths for LYELL saves, 
Science from LYELL'S crowns for BENNETT spares. 

Art that serves Beauty. Science that serves truth, 

Are kindred maids of mistresses akin. 
This frail musician, whose creative youth 

Pointed to heights he did not live to win, 

And this unhasting and unresting sage, 
Whose eye in lowly reverence read the ground, 

Alike in Music's chords, and Earth's scored page, 
Record of the Creator sought and found. 

'Tis well that they should sleep here, side by side, 
Among their fellows of the glorious choir 

By POKCELL, he, and HANDEL, who with pride 
May welcome this last master of the lyre : 

By WOODWARD, he, and HUNTER, and by him 

The highest, humblest seeker of them all, 
NEWTON for to such race of Anakim 

He brings not strength unmeet or stature small. 

Sleep sweetly, modest master of sweet sounds, 
Grey reader of the rocks and seas and sands 

While the great spheres make music in their rounds. 

And earth's change broadens on through times and lands. 



LEYDEN K. SCHIEDAM. 

THE Ghost of CATS writes to us : 

" As a disembodied spirit, conversant with spirits, I am in the 
best position to know how some of the Special Correspondents of the 
London Press at the late Tercentenary Festival of the University of 
Ley den discharged their duty, by studying Ley den at Schiedam, and 
finding more interest in a Schiedam bottle than in a Ley den jar. 
The only night one of these envoys passed at Ley den, he retired early 
to his bed-room to consult the spirits, in deference no doubt to 
the impression that Hollands must be the proper medium through 
which to look at Holland and the things thereof including its 
Universities. In this instance, unluckily, the spirits consulted seem 
to have led him to see ' half ' instead of ' double,' for certainly the 
famous old University and its Festival never before loomed so amall 
as in the report of this representative of British journalism. 

" When reading the sensible reports of the Journal des Debate, 
Kolnische Zeitung, and, among English journals, the Academy, the 
Ghost of CATS cannot but wonder how English journals of high 
standing could have entrusted the task of representing them at the 
Tercentenary of his Leyden Alma Mater to such ambassadors. If 
JOHN BULL knew how heartily the Dutch sympathise with English 
literature and English character, manners, and customs, he would 
be more solicitous about the deportment of Britannia to the Dutch 
Minerva. Oxford, he learns from a recent paragraph in the Times, 
has been fain to apologise to the Senatus Academicus of Leyden for 
the neglect of her Vice-Chancellor even to acknowledge its in- 
vitation to the Tercentenary Celebration. Better late than never. 

" Considering all that Leyden has done for Scientific Law, Lite- 
rature, and free opinion the illustrious students it has reared, the 
famous Professors it has fostered, the noble champions of free 
thought it has sheltered, methinks," says our Ghost, and we quite 
agree with him, "she has a right to more cordial and respectful recog- 
nition than she has found from England on her last Tercentenary." 

* A great light of Leyden, and glory of Dutch letters in the seventeenth 

century. 

" As GOOD AS A PLAY." Performing a Funeral. 



MABCH 13, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



117 







And, lastly riiWW iy 6U RIGHT Box. Ma. 
PUITCH. AJ a Specimen of the lateUifMoe of the Pot- 
, teriee Ds. KCHUI.T. 



A SCHOOLMASTER WANTED. 
John Thomas (writing to hit SnxMeart). " Do Tor BAFFIN TO KNOW 

THKKl'g SUCH A TaiXO AS A ' K ' IN LANCASHIRE, MR, 

Jfr. Ruggles. " OF COURSE THERE H." 

John Thomas. " AH ! so I THOUGHT. Bur I DIDN'T EXACTLY KNOW WHERE- 
ABOUTS TO PUT IT." [ifr. RuggUt rolti**ers nofvrtktr i'ii/ii iimtflW 



CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE PHILADELPHIA EXHIBITION. 

Ms. NEVHLE-GRKNTILLB a few days since wanted to know " whether it 
was intended that Parliament should be called upon to contribute anything to 
the Philadelphia International Exhibition." This question was put to the 
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, when, of course, it shorriihave been addressed 
to the Right Honourable Gentleman who is really at the head of Her Majesty's 
Government. However, with his usual good-nature, the RIGHT HON. MR. PUNCH 
forgives the HON. MR. NEvn.LE-GRF.xTn.LK, and begs to supply him with the 
required information. The following is a list of " exhibits " that hare already 
been promised : 

Exhibited by the RIGHT HON. BENJAMIN Drsainj. A file of the Standard 
newspaper for the last ten years^pages quite clean and uncut. 

Exhibited by the SECRETARY OF STATB FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. A 
bouvenir of the proposed Russian Conference a Portrait of the British Lion 
convalescent. 

Exhibited by the RISHT HON. W. E. GLADSTONE. An Index (in three 
volumes) of proposed Articles for Reviews and Magazines. 

Exhibited- by the LORD CHANCELLOR. An Essay upon " Growler's Quest 
Law," edited by MR. CROSS. 

Exhibited by SIB WILVBII) LAWSOW. A Collection of British Sign-Boards, 
presented to their Owner by ex-Licensed Victuallers recently converted to 
Tea-totalism. 



by MAJOR ANSON. Facts and Figures culled from the Reports of 
the Inspectors-General of Recruiting. 

Exhibited by MB. SAMUEL PLnraoLt. A Life-Preserving Apparatus, in 
Manuscript, constructed with a view to being launched in the British House of 
Commons. 

Exhibited by MR. WHALLEY. A Collection of rare old Songs once very popular 
m Parliament. 

Exhibited by MAJOR O'GoRMAN. A Comic History of Ireland. 

Exhibited iyMR. SULLIVAN. A Scientific Treatise upon " the Introduction 

7 -?* ato Famine int the Emerald Isle by the Saxon Government." 

J: i hi ted b v MR. JOHN MARTIN. An Annotated Edition of THACKERAY'S 
Ballad of the Battle of Limerick. 

Exhibited by MB. "PELL. As a Specimen of English Farm- Yard Education 
the Learned Pig. 



THE GEOAJf OF THE OXFORD OABSMAV. 

0! n's weariful work is this traraia* 
For th* (Treat Inter-' Varsity Bam : 

r mowing, or almliaa,; or btewicr. 
r a single day** gnat! 

Te the day aad the want*, for praetiat 

We start at sharp t wenty to three. 
If IV 

fault of tb0. U. B.C.1 

What with regular journey 

Aad loaf eumaea " farther tha- 
And trotting boaw limpingly, stiffly. 

As >r screw worked in wat*ring-plaoe car ! 

Let aw give yon some sort of idea 
Of the torture we daily go through : 

First, they stint a poor OOT of hi* " beeah " 
\Vhich the song says it's naful to do. 

We've oar beef -steak or chop in the moraine-. 

Oar chop or oar beat-steak at one, 
And at six, all variety scorning. 

More bef-steak or chop -underdone : 

Only one wine, po.t-pran dial, we drink of, 

And that of the dneot dry or- 
D^*. it awbe one's month water to think of 

Those two figs and two glaaaw of port ? 

The joys of the weed they forhid u 
dendish barbarity that\ 
And all this with the objet to r 
Of what tk?y call superfluous fat ! 



(Btrt tin Writer nMmly itnmn ttruatie 

O, those breakfasts and lunches and dinners, 

So luscious, so varied, so rich ! 
They 're a great deal too good for us sinners, 

Too coarse to appreciate " sich." 

I 'm sure, -Vr. Punch, if you 'd tell ns 
The truth, just for once in a way. 

Yon must feel most uncommonly jealous : 
So enjoyable isn't it, eh ? 

More especially just at this season, 
Fahrenheit such a height in the shade ! 

When a coye's fingers neyer feel freezing, 
And the ice never forms on your blade. 

0, it's weariful work is this training 
For the great Inter-'Varsity Race : 
Be it raining or snowing, or sleeting or blowing, 
t We have never a single day's grace. 

Practice practice without relaxation ! 

Informed, and in print, one's form 's bad : 
Practice, ending in scarification, 

And (see the rhyme) " driving one mad ! " 

Were reading as hard fag as rowing. 
Fewer fellows, a long sight, would read : 

Now it 's we " idle " men are kept going ; 
All work, and no play, wino, or weed I 



Fond of hia Paper. 

A STRANOE character, with a most unaccountable taste, 
has been before one of the Police Courts. It was given 
in evidence that he " went into a beershop, took up a 
newspaper, and ate the whole of it." We hare often 
heard of persons "devouring" books, and "devouring" 
:he news, but this must be the first instance of a man 
laving so depraved an appetite a* to devour the news- 
paper. It should be added, that he was drunk when he 
lid it. Perhnps be had disagreed with the paper : if so, 
the paper would probably in its turn disagree with 
him. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 13, 1875. 




"A FELLOW-FEELING," kc. 

Major 0? Dodger (of the Scallionshire Rifles). " WELL, WHAT HAVE YOB GOT TO SAT FOR YOURSBIF?" 

Pull-Corporal Farrell (a Prisoner la'e for Tattoo). ""WELL, NOW, YER HONOTJB, I'LL JDST TELL THE WHOLE TRUT'. I TOOK TO 
PLATING CYABDS ABOUT HALF-PAST NOINE LAST NIGHT, AN' LOST ALL I HAD ; AN', BE JABEBS, I SHOULD STAY TILL I WON IT ALL 

BACK, AN* THAT WASN'T TILL FOWER O'CLOCK THIS MORNIN' " 

The Major (an inveterate Loo-player, who had left off his own little Game precisely at the satne Hourvery hastily). " ADMONISH'D, 
AI MONISH'D ! " 

Sergeant. " LEFT TURBN ! QUKSCK 'ARRCH ! ! " 



A HOME-RULER'S HOWL. 

Now the last link that bound us to England is broken, 
By the last straw that's piled on the proud courser's back ; 

And JOHN HEIGHT'S is the pen of all pens that has spoken 
The foul words of insult, base, burning, and black. 

Is it " childish," this call of a chivalrous nation ! 

This hurrah for Home-Rule is it " monstrous," vile word! 
0, the venomous reptile's cold vituperation, 

That stamps Freedom's cause with the brand of " absurd" ! 

We peruse the revoltin' expressions with wonder, 
All the more when the libellous phrases are those 

Of the Tribune that used from the platform to thunder 
In the teeth of our tyrants, and rulers, and foes. 

Sure we fondly believed in his fixed resolution 

To pull England's foul aristocracy down ; 
To subvert the Three Kingdoms' effete Constitution. 

And abolish the Lords, wid the Church, and the Crown. 

Now what do we find ? No Conservative greater, 
For consarvin' the State, of all Tories, than him. 

'Tis to Ireland alone he has turned out a thraitor 
Is it snakes and deceivers ? it 's he 's one o' thim ! 

In his letter to FATHER THADDETJS O'MALLEY, 
See the hoighth and the dipth of his baseness displayed ; 

Such remarks by a Judge at the Saxon Old Bailey, 
In dooming a MITCHELL might well have been made. 

Let us hurl back his insults and mane imputations, 
Wid the yell of derision and hissing of scorn: 



Wid the taunts, and reproaches, and wild execrations 
Of disgust, indignation, and infamy born. 

Sure, we don't care a straw for his ribald attacks on 
Quid Ireland's Home-Rule, and dismimberment's right. 

Who'd e'er again trust a eometherin' Saxon, 
Now the mask is thrown off by that sarpint, JOHN BRIGHT. 



STUPENDOUS ACT OF STATESMANSHIP. 

A EtTBOPEAN sensation has been created by the Bill framed in 
opposition to the POPE'S late Encyclical by the Prussian Government . 
It authorises the stoppage of the salaries of Priests repudiating the 
new ecclesiastical laws, and practically suspends the Bull De Salute 
Animarum. LUTHEE burnt the POPE'S Bull, but to suspend it was 
reserved for BISMAECK. Fancy the Papal Bull suspended, as it 
were a ram over a draper's shop ! Suspending a Bull with th 
strong arm is an exploit worthy of a Hercules, a Theseus, or a Milo 
of Crotona. Perhaps some patriotic German sculptor will repre- 
sent the great Chancellor in the character of one of those heroes 
performing the feat. 



Answer to a Parliamentary Correspondent. 

PU.M.P. writes to us thus : 

" On Thursday last DR. KENEALY appeared in the House with a complaint. 
"What was it ) " 

We are unable to state the exact nature of DR. KENEALY'S com- 
plaint, but, from what he said, we gather that, whatever it was, he 
had " caught it " from the HON. EVELYN ASHLEY. 



Fruited by Joseph Smith, of No. 30, Loralne Road, Holloway.in the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Affnew, & Co., Lombard 
Street, In th Preclntt of Whltefriain, in the City of London, und Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Jiride, City of London. SAIIEIUT, March 13, 1876. 



\lM.rn LO, 1M75.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIMVAIM. 



119 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 



; 

: f tevta s\ 




m 








FRIDAY, March 5th. On 
the plea that "fair-play is 
a jewel," we must thank Pit. 
PLAYFAIR for exposing, in a 
thin House, the very un- 
satisfactory state and results 
of the so-called " National " 
Irish Education. It began 
by being "mixed" Roman 
Catholic and Protestant. 
But the mixture has been 
gradually resolving itself 
till Irish National Schools 
have fallen under exclusive 
clerical management, Ro- 
man Catholic, Episcopal, 

and Presbyleriau, with uu issue pithily described by the Professor, as 
"Untrained teachers, untaught scholars, and an ignorant population." 

While, of the cost of 19s. per. child, 

" the children's fees averaged 2. Id. a head, the contribution of the State 15*. Sd., and 

the local contributions, in the form of subscriptions and endowment*, 9rf." 

No wonder if even a dull House were startled by such a "tottle," and still 
less if, with such miserable results, Irish Members object to teachers' payments 
being regulated thereby. If this be what DK. PLATFAIR called it, a sample of 
" Unmitigated Home Rule," it is not encouraging. But query, if much better 
could reasonably have been looked for, as a result of thu policy of confiding 
education to its most systematic antagonists the Priests. Of course MB. MARTIN 
had his explanation : 

" The Irish system of education wa instituted, as every one knows, to denationalise 
the population. The stepping in of the Government between the free professors of educa- 
tion in Ireland and the people accounted for the inability of a very large proportion of the 
people in some counties to read and write." 

The best SIB M. H. BEACH could say wag 

" It was at an 
mismana 

had at length come to this it educated, at least to a certain " [? uncertain] " extent, nearly 
a million of children in Ireland. He did not think it wise to propose any sweeping change. 
He would wish rather to deal with the system in the way of preservation and reformation, 
and to restore it where it required restoration to what it was originally intended to 
be a system of united secular and separate religious instruction." 

MB. W. HUNT gave details of the cost and arrangements of the Arctic Expe- 
dition, but did not say that FRANKLIV'S nephew was to be one of its officers ; 
and, strange to say, nobody observed on the omission. 

Monday. (Lards.} No knock-down blow so damaging as one from your own 
backers. The LORD CHANCELLOR ruefully informed their Lordships, that in 
consequence of the serious opposition which the Judicature Bill was likely 
to encounter from the ordinary supporters of Government as well as from their 
opponents, the only course open to him was to withdraw the measure. In un- 
Parliamentary English, the "tail" of the Conservative Party has wagged "the 
head" and so hard, that it has forced it to drop the substance of a good 
Court of Final Appeal, for the shadow. LORD REDBSDALE triumphs, and the 
codini or tail-peers, whose organ he is, exnlt. LORD DKBBY and LOBD CAIRUS 
may regret, and LORD SELBORNE may wig and wail, for the abandoned measure 
may be called his own child, but the Government is helpless, and helplessly 



as at any rate now a truly national system " [ does that mean " a monstrously 
aged one ' ' ] " and that from small beginnings, and in spite of great struggles, it 

" 



drops the Bill. (See Cartmm.) Punch is bound to admit 
that the Scotch and Irish Bar, and a very large and 
weighty proportion of the English were against it, and 
even the mild wisdom of WALPOLF. had consented to 
become their mouthpiece. If LOBD CAIRNS can tinker 
the Lords Committee of Appeal into a tribunal, sitting 
compulsorily without breaks, and can transfuse into it 
new blood from the best of the Bench, an ancient name 
may be preserved, and a strong working machinery of 
appeal secured. But though many have tried to do this, 
no one has hitherto succeeded. 

(Commons.) Another oppressed nationality. To the 
grief of MB. OSBOBNE MOBeAjr, "Wales is not to have 
a Cymric breed of County Court Judges, as it has of 
wigs and rabbits. 

BIB WILFBID LAWSON thinks the pacific assurances of 
Foreign Powers warrant a reduction in our forces. 
True, they have monstrous standing armies ; but it is not 
"btanding," but "marching " armies that are dangerous. 
Siu WILFRID was never pleasanter; and the House, 
which laughed to the echo, seemed to see the fun of his 
speech, almost as well as the amusing Baronet, who has 
succeeded, without a rival, to the cap and bells of MB. 
BKHNAL OSIIOKNE, and is even more gracious in his 
fooling. In fact, we quite regard him as the Member 
tor Punch, and trust he will lung continue to prove his 
right to that proud position, by administering as much 
good sense in doses of fun as he generally does now, 
whenever he is not exercising his Permissive Bill hobby. 
But he must not often venture- on such broad burlesque 
as his Monday'* proposal, though he did find 00 to follow 
him into the Lobby. 

The Army Estimates. MB. HABDY was bold, to what 
some may have thought foolhardiness, in owning that 
the present system was on its trial, and that he was de- 
termined the triul should be a fair one. He had even 
with courage unprecedented in a Minister gone to 
Aldershot to test, with his own eyes and judgment, the 
quality of our new food for powder, which COLONEL 
ANSON and most of the cloth say is only worthy of 
HOBACE WALPOLE'S treatment of the cucumber after 
dressing viz., throwing out of the window. MR. 
HARDY; says it might be better ; but then, it might be 
worse ; and it seems doubtful if it is so much worse than 
it has always been. The scum is not usually the best 
part of the contents of the pot ; and we must still trust 
mainly to the scum for our national pot-au-feu. But the 
utilisation of refuse is one of the economic discoveries 
of the day, and we contrive to utilise into good military 
material ; a fair proportion of even the scum ; while all 
we are doing for the increased comfort and self-respect 
of the soldier ought gradually to leaven the scum, and 
to make the battle-broth " slab and good." 

Tuesday. (Lords.) LOBD HOUOHTON wants the Bill for 
more Bishops referred to a Select Committee. LOBD 
I.Y ITM.TON objects. He thinks it hard, when he only 
proposes Bishops by voluntary contributions that the 
drag should be put on his Bill. LORD V m A N said Corn- 
wall did not want more Bishops. It preferred JOHN 
WKM.KY, his Church. LOBD LYTTBLTON said that " the 
Bill was intended to meet the case of counties which did 
not want Bishops." As it will also meet the case of 
those that do, it will meet all cases, and therefore ought 
to be passed. Q. E. D. 

LORD ELLIOT said he had heard of a parish in Corn- 
wall in which it wag taulhorrescebat referent" that 
a Bishop had not been seen since the Reformatian." MR. 
MIALL would call that a state of " Cornubial felicity." 

We have heard that Pariahs in this parish oontriv.f 
to be born, married, and buried, as if unconscious of 
their own awful state of Episcopal outer-darkness ! 
But LORD ELLIOT thinks the sight of a Bishop would 
give these benighted Cornubians an appetite for lawn- 
sleeves. C'ett postible .' There is no accounting for taste. 

(Common*.) MB. PEASB, backed by some Dean 
and Chapter lessees, who have " good things "in the 
county of Durham, made a sharp move to get the Dean 
and Chapter's management of their estates looked into 
by a Select Committee. The fact is, that the Chapter 
have now turned over a new leaf, and taken to manage 
their property for the good of the Church, its owner, 
instead of sharing the fat between Incumbents or 
Prebends for the time being, and the lessees, as they 
used in the good old time. 

As the PEASB move had substantial self-interest at 



VOL. ixvrri. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[MARCH 20, 1875. 




INCOMBINABLE ELEMENTS. 

First Medical Student. " WHAT ARE votr SIGHING FOB, JACK ?" 

Second Ditto. " UGH I I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM TO-MoRiiow, AND WHAT A DEUUBD PRETTY C 
1 SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST NOW I ! " 



its back, it got substantial support, and was only defeated most 
properly by 17. 

While this was going on, an awful discovery was made of two 
strangers, and not "little strangers" either, coolly sitting with 
their hats on, on one of the benches below the gangway. They 
turned out to be a brace of licensed victuallers, who had thus ex- 
tended the terms of their licence. Our little bird suggests that they 
must have come in under ME. CROSS'S wing. There is such a thing 
as carrying gratitude too far. The intruders were hustled into the 
gallery staircase, while the House feverishly sat upon them. We 
are thankful to say they were not beheaded on the spot with one of 
the SPEAKER'S kitchen-choppers, brought in for the occasion. The 
Door-keepers, on interrogation, pleaded the difficulty, under recent 
returns, of knowing who might not be Members of the House ; and 
the innocent, but audacious, intruders were admonished, and 
allowed to retire with their heads on, as well as their hats. By the 
last advices, they have been raised to the rank of Lions, and are 
shaking the mountain dew-drops off their manes nightly in their 
respective bars, where their pictures of the House in Session, from 
a Licensed Victuallers' point of view, are highly relished. 

MR. DIXON called attention to the new Education Code, and gave 
LORD SANDON an opportunity, of which he availed himself with 
excellent effect, to describe what the Department by its last edict 
has done in the way of screwing up the standards, to which little 
HODOE and GUTTEHBLOOD must reach, to give their teacher claims 
to payment by results. The general upshot, it is hoped, will be 
that " ordinary schools would get just as much as before ; that good 
schools would get more ; and that very good schools would get a 
great deal more." This is just what the country ought to wish. 
The only fear is, that the standards may not have been screwed 
a leetle too high, and so out of reach of the poor little scholars, 
with all the master's efforts in the way of a lift. We have not 
yet invented mechanical lifts for schools, as for eight-storeyed hotels. 

MR. SALT'S Bill for putting on an Extra Clergyman to pull in aid 
of a jibbing or lazy clerical poster, is referred to a Select Com- 
mitteenot in a friendly spirit though MR. SALT is thankful for 



it. They had a saying, in the Middle Ages, " Tout chamin mene d 
Rome." The Parliamentary parallel (in legal French) has come to 
be " Tout Bill mene d un Select Committee." 

Wednesday. VANS AGNEW on Hypothec 

" Hypothec, Hypothec word of fear, 

Unmeaning to a Southron's ear ! " 
All we know is, a large majority of Scotch Members want it abo- 
lished, but English country gentlemen think it will carry ' 
in its train ; " and English tenants, as a class, are not so solvent as 
Scotch ones. So Hypothec is not to go at present. But, shouther 
to shouther " is Scots' motto. The Members from north o Iweed 
will have their way yet. 

Thursday. The Lords are as sorry to lose SIR JOHN SHAW LE- 
FEVRE, for twenty-nine years their Clerk of the Parliaments, most 

nn j , i* * 1 (1 1 * i. ' r . A U A 1. 



exemplary of officials, deep-learned of lawyers, ripest of scholars, 
and most courteous, kindly, and accomplished of gentlemen as were 
the Commons to lose their Sergeant-at-Arms the other day. Par 



nubile fratrum." They were lovely in their (Parliamentary) lives, 
and in their (Official) deaths they have not been divided. 

The Patent Bill is to receive amendments, enlarging the pre- 
liminary tribunal of examiners and referees, and the much-needed 
Bill for bringing the salaries of Metropolitan Stipendiaries to the 
level of County Court Judges passed the Lords. Too much of Jus- 
tice's journey-work lies upon stipendiary shoulders, to admit of the 
weakness that comes of short salaries in a highly-paid profession. 

In the Commons, the Navy Estimates. MR. WAHD-HUKT, haying 
got over the scare which drove him a little out of his bearings 
when he first came into the Admiralty it must be enough to frighten 
a man, if it is half as bad as it is painted now gets through his 
work very well. But he had better not try to prove that he was 
right in that "phantom" and "paper fleet" business. He asks 
for ten millions and a half, and promises to give us value received 
for it (for details see daily papers). 

Both in Army and Navy Administration there seems a real deter- 
mination to make the best of our bargains, and to improve, where im- 
provement is practicable without too much relaxing purse-strings. 



MAUCII 20, 187. r >.] 



PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



121 



THE COMING RACE. 
(Coniribvttd by o><r (nan intelligent Frog, tuffvring frn m a fit of the lllites.) 




cry out before being cooked and eaten! But, " 
it f " or " bother it ! * or " hang it all ! " is what I 



I a French Frog, with time to 
" botheration! " or " blow 



by " Sapristi!" and nothing unparliamentary, on my word, as a respectable 
Thames-river Frog, with the fear of vivisection before my eyes. 

Talking of " eyes," bless my old goggles if it ain't enough to make 
your poor friend MRS. CROAKER shed her skin in a fit of the trembles, and 
to go off in a marsh-fever, to be obliged to witness all this row and rumpus 
repeated year after year, and here we are again ! 

Any vivisector will tell you I 'm one of the most nervous creatures in 
existence and here let me remark, that, though it may be true that I 
do not suffer much when my membra are disjecta (I 've had a fine classical 
education, having been brought up, as a Tadpole, at Eton someway np 
the Thames, you know and then having gone in for higher-up-the- 
Thames studies at Oxford) yet I suffer enormously unspeakably by 
anticipation, being so peculiarly, and unfortunately, nervous. Such an 
imagination as I have, too, all through my nerves ! Wasn't this known 
to the ancients ? Of course it was. Didn't ^Esop select me I mean one 

41 iV_x j ii in i^ L_; i i_ m_ _ :i i .. 

.1 



of our race (bother that word " race ! " as it brings me back, willy-nilly, 



to the subject of my present complaint a complaint worse than my normal 
rheumatics and chronic cramp but to proceed) didn't JEsop, I say, select 



one of our kind as exemplifying imagination? Wasn't it tie height of 

fancy, in a Frog, to imagine he could .ever swell himself out into a Bull ? 
And for the Aristophanio Frogs well, I '11 engage that your poor friend here, meaning myself, who is obliged to fly for hi* life before 
the invading hordes of outer barbarian Cockneys and cads, knows more about those Aristophanio not, by any means, Aristocratic 
Frogs, than any four in the two eights who are preparing to row their blessed (you know what I mean) race, on this dear, 
charming, delightful, dirty, picturesque, muddy, aromatic, stinking, pleasant old River Thames. 

I protest. Sir, to you, I protest, in the name of all the inhabitants on the Right and Left, on the Extreme Eight and the Extreme 
Left, and of the Centre of these troubled waters, I do protest. 

Here 's a good day for flirting and finery, and a bad 'un for Frogs! I hate flirting. I 've settled down ever so long ago ; in fact, 
I 'ye been thoroughly domesticated, since the days when Froggee would a-wooing go, whether his mother would let him or no, alter 
which I married Miss ALICE (related, of course, to .the pretty young lady who passes so much of her time in Wonderland, and went 
through a looking-glass), who is now A!LY CROAKER. 

No more flirting for me or for her. A family of Tadpoles demand our care ; waggle go their heads, and wiggle go their tails all day ; 
and just when we 'd settle down so comfortably among the Reeds (quite a Gallery of Entertainments, I assure you) we are turned out 
neck and crop (not much of either to lose, by tho way) and forced to fly, like the coloured tribes before the face of white men, only there 
isn't much white among the shady lot who disturb our happy home, lirekekekex ! Koax ! Konx ! (Juarrrr ! 



122 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 20, 1875. 




RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY. 

"MAT I LKAVS THIS PIECE OF BKSAD, NORSE?" 

"CERTAINLY NOT, Miss MAT. It's DREADFUL WASTEFUL! AND THE DAY MAY COME 

WHMJ YOU 'LL WANT A PlECE OF BREAD 1 " 

" THEN I 'D BETTER KEEP THIS PIECE OF BREAD TILL I DO WANT IT, NURSE. HADN'T I ? " 



CORNISH-MAN V. BISHOP. 

(See Wednesday's Debate in the Lords.} 

WHERE be we to vind a Bishop's fee, 
With his lawn zleeves and mitre vine ? 

What good will a Bishop do for we, 
As '11 pay vor un's vittle and wine ? 

We 'd a Bishop down to St. Germain's once, 
When ATHELSTANE he were king, 

But at we they did scoff, and took 'un off 
To Exeter Minster to /ing. 

And drat me if a zee what a good he 'd be, 
Brought back to St. Germain's town 

Which best mate it supply be pilchard-pie, 
With 'ard cider to wash it down. 

Is pilchard-pie with 'ard cider surelie 
Mate and drink in a Bishop's way, 

That his livin' do zeek drop Latin and Greek, 
Not droo puggin' o' China-clay, 

Nor droo minin' deep under grass, wi' the zee 

A roarin' and ravin' above : 
Bishop ne'er 'd come to we not for money 
not he, 

Though a' might, p'r'aps, come for love. 

And love breeds love, they do zay, and the 
same 

I hold it may well be true : 
And p'r'aps a Bishop as tried that game, 

A' might vind we try it too. 

For 'twas dark i" these parts, both hovels 

and hearts. 

When JOHN WESLEY he vought his way, 
Droo mine-dirt and zweat, at our zouls to 

get, 
Till we growed men to preach and pray. 

Seems latish to zend a Bishop to we, 
From WESLEY our hearts to win : 

We've to live, leastways, on the tin we raise, 
And so he '11 have to raise his tin. 

And if tin in stream or in vein and seam 

Be zo hard to vind and raise, 
To win love's ore do cost still more, 

Though, when won, it better pays. 



AN OLD TITLE IN A NEW LIGHT. Law's 
Serious Call a Bill of Costs. 



Here they come ! Regiments of Blues ! charging us as the Life 
Guards charged at Waterloo, and being (thank retributive justice I) 
charged heavily in return. They don't, any of 'em, come down here 
for nothing. Empty heads and full purses : going back with no 
heads, and empty purses. As to their hearts, it 's a notion to say 
they can lose them: vivisect a boatload or a carriageful of 'em, 
and you won't find a heart, I'll he sworn. 

Here they come ! the Great Unwashed ! Father Thames is my 
beau ideal of the real Great Unwashed, and these, who make a run 
on both banks, and go on without a check (except in trouser 
patterns), these are the sons of grimy old Daddy Thames. 

Men may come, and men may go at least, I can't prevent them 
and here are more of them. From every quarter from North, 
South, East, and West-Central districts the stream of men and 
women, and dogs and horses, and boats, and wherries, and launches 
with lunches, and big steamers and small steamers, on, on, on till, 
literally, all is Blue ! 

Here 's an indigo merchant and a violent Bismarckian Blue 
treading on everyone's heels and toes, and here are dark blue 
eyes, and light blue eyes, 0, ALLY CROAKER! then Blue River 
Police artfully getting a splendid view of the race on pretence of 
clearing the way ! 0, Police, Police, stop it all ! Let me remain 
in peace, and let University Dons pass a law that this Race shall 
only come off once in a Blue Moon! Here's a Blue-jacket, and a 
Bluecoat boy with canary-coloured legs ; then, after him, a lawyer's 
clerk, who has brought his luncheon in his master's blue bag (if 
there were only some wasps' -nests by the river-side, blue bag would 
be useful then 0, don't I wish there were wasps here!); and, 
perched high up on the box of a four-in-hand, sits a statesman 
who 's given up his study of Blue-books for this day only ! Then a 



pretty girl with blue eyes, tinged by the reflection of her own 
violets'; and a Blue-stocking, who is making a book, in gloves, on 
the Race. There should be GAINSBOROUGH'S Slue Soy somewhere 
to make the thing perfect. But I don't see him, unless he 's hidden 
among the Blue bevy of forget-me-nots and Blue Belles, among 
whom that old rascal Blue Beard could pick up another wife or two 
for his Blue Chamber, as I would were I in his place, and " that's 
the sort of Frog /am." 

" Who 's winning ? Oxford or Cambridge ? " 

Who 's winning ? all 'a won. I mean, all 's one to me, Gentlemen, 
if you '11 only get it over, and go to your brotherly dinner when all is 
oar I mean o er. 

Hark ! Go it. Oxford Go it, Cambridge! I detest it all I pro- 
test against it all. Yet I cannot help it. I "m an English Frog, a 
regular John Bull Frog, with all the pride of his annual race in him 
and I must just see the finish. Five to one, on the first boat, in 
anything Hooray! Bravo! I said so I knew it I wish I'd 
betted hundreds on them. I knew that would be the true blue at 
the last ! Hurrah ! 1 

Now then, Tadpoles, the current is retiring the rush is past, let 
us return to our Reeds Entire, and dine off roley-poley Gammon and 
Spinach. " Heigho ! " sighs one who takes this opportunity of 



signing himself 



" ANTONY ROWLEY." 



SPIRITUAL THINGS. A Loo Table. A Dark Cabinet. A Hand- 
bell. A Tambourine. An Accordion. Tapes and Sealing- Wax. 
Some Sticks of Phosphorus. Light Hands and Nimble Fingers. A 
deal of Credulity. An equal quantity of Cunning. 



MAHCH 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



123 



MISSIONARIES IN MOTLEY. 

r Islington Hall those 
Revivalists Yankee, 

Pious pair, D. L. MOODT 
and IRA D. SANKEV, 

Are drawing, they tel 
us, immense congre- 
gations, 

By eccentric devotions, 
and droll ministra- 
tions. 

Their manner seems 
strangely at odds with 
their matter, 

The former grotesque, 
and most serious the 
latter. 

They proclaim Gospel 
truths, spite of grave 
prepossessions, 

In colloquial slang, and 
commercial expres- 
sions, 

State Scriptural facts in 
American phrases, 

And interpolate jokes 
'twixt their prayers 
and their praises, 

Their intent is sincere- 
let us trust, in all 
charity 

But Religion they cloak 
in the garb of Vul- 
garity, 

And, under a visor of seeming profanity, 
As comic evangelists, preach Christianity. 

Those discourses of theirs are an exaggeration 
)f the jocular species of pulpit oration, 
Which was brought into vogue by that eminent surgeon, 
And physician of souls to the multitude, SPURGEON. 
An impressible people are they that sit under 
These cute Boanerges, these smart sons of thunder, 
Who cause them, at will, to sing psalm or doxology 
By an influence much like electro-biology. 
IRA SANKEY performs, as a musical Stentor, 
To the mobile rulgus the part of Precentor. 
His remarkable name may suggest the inquiry 
If he ever exhorts them to sing " Dies Iree f " 

Quorsum h<ec 'f Can tomfoolery kindle true piety ? 
Maybe so. Human nature is fond of variety. 
Mr. Merriman't unctuous sallies might irk us, 
But although a Revival American Circus, 
IRA Clown in the Ring, decent people would anger, 
Couldn t MOODY and SANKET join HENGLBB and SANOEB ? 
If it didn't conduce much to edification. 
It would probably pay, as a good speculation. 




THE LADIES' UNIVERSITY. 

(AS IT SHOULD BE.) 

SCENE The Examination Room of the University. 
PBOFESSOR PCNCH seated at table, writing. Enter Candidate for 

Matriculation. 

Professor. My dear young Lady, pray take a chair. First let me 
say that 1 am glad to see you have adopted a very proper costume 
in which to present yourself before the Authorities. A plain stuff 
gown, a neat cap, and a brown holland apron. Nothing could be 
better. 

Candidate (seating herself). I am delighted to have gained your 
approbation, Professor. My choice was regulated by the reflection 
that I intend to work and not to play. 

Pr/essor. Well said ! And now, are you desirous of becoming a 
Member of this University 'f 

Candidate. I am. I covet the honour. 

Professor. It is necessary to ask you a few questions. What do 
you consider to be the " Rights of Woman " ? 

pr^htt v, S* as \ nt one /$ h J' which Evolves many duties- 
e right to be the Sweetness and Light, the Grace and Queen of home. 
Jrojcssor. Very good. You would not wish to sit in Parliament ? 
^anaiaate. When my household duties were over, I should not 
an occasional seat in the Ladies' Gallery that is, supposing 



my husband were a Member of the House fond of addressing the 
SPEAKER. 

Professor. A very proper reply. You do not wish to be a doctor 
or a lawyer P 

Candidate (laughing). Certainly not. My ambition would be 
quite satisfied were I a good nurse and an efficient accountant. 
I ; J'rufessor. An efficient accountant 'f 

Candidate. Yes that I might be able to check the butcher's book. 

Professor. Very good, indeed ! Now do you know the chief object 
of this University ? 

Candidate. I believe so. It is to elevate the art of Cooking into 
a Christian duty. As MR. BCCKMASTER said the other day at York, 

Our health, morality, social life, and powers of endurance depend 
very much on our food, and if it be a Christian duty to cultivate 
the earth, and make it bring forth food both for man and beast, it 
is equally a Christian duty to make that food enjoyable and whole- 
some by good cooking." 

Professor. You are quite right. I too will quote from MB. BUCK- 
MASTEB'S very excellent speech. He said 

" So long as people prefer dirt to cleanliness and drink to food, and who 
know nothing, and don't care to know anything, of thoe processes and con- 
ditions or laws which God has ordered aa the condition of health, and without 
health there can be no happiness, so long at this ignorance aiid the prejudices 
which flow from it exist, all efforts eicept teaching will be comparatively 
useless. * No law can prevent people from eating improper and un- 
wholesome food, or accumulating heaps of filth in the dark corners of rooms, 
or compel them to open their windows or wash their bodies. Nothing but 
knowledge or a better education in common things will ever bring about these 
desirable results. It is for these and many other reasons that I am most 
anxious about the education of girls. The future of this country depends on 
their education. Every girls' school should have a kitchen, with luch appli- 
ances as they would be likely to have in their own homes, and every young 
lady should Be able to prepare, from first to last, a nice little dinner. 1 ' 

Do you agree with MR. BUCKMASTEB? 

Candidate. Most cordially. I think MR. BCCKMASTER deserves 
the thanks of every man, woman, and child in the United Kingdom. 

Professor. And BO do 1. What classes do you wish to join 7 

Candidate. The Cooking Class, the Dress and Bonnet Class, the 
furniture- Judging Class, and the Domestic Economy Class. After 
I have passed through these, I should very much like to finish my 
University career by undergoing a final course of Music, Painting, 
and Modern Languages. 

Professor (signing certificate}. I have much pleasure in informing 
yon that you are now a Member of the Ladies' University. You 
have passed your preliminary examination most creditably. 

Candidate. A thousand thanks, Professor. 

[Rises, curtsies, and exit to join the Cookery Class. 

Professor. A sensible girl that ! 

[^s the Scene closes in, PROFESSOR PUNCH smilingly returns to 
his work. 

LEANDER OUTDONE. 

" CAPTAIN BOTTON adheres to his original determination of attempting to 
swim across the English Channel." Morning Papers. 

WITH a nipping East wind that brings pluck down to zero, 
And without any chance of an evening with Hero, 
CAPTAIN BOTTON, in water-tights, means paddling over 
To Calais (a twenty-mile transit) from Dover ! 

When Leander was wooing the Lady of Sestos, 
He 'd his waterproof suit made of Cupid's " asbestos : " 
When athwart the wild waves BYRON breasted perdition, 
He breathed the caloric of fiery ambition. 

If the Hellespont's wide, Dover Channel is wider, 
Though by no means too broad for a neighbour-divider. 
What canards to be flown, and what/ewi'//fons written, 
If he does go, on this cool invader from Britain ! 



A Regular Sell. 

IT is not difficult to realise the disappointment of a man with an 
appetite for sensational stories of beheadings, executions, the 
ruillotine, &c., buying The Book of the Are, and discovering it to 
>e an account of a river. 



nLPBOMPTU FAIT A LOISIR. 

After a Vint to the So/ltr Exhibition, at the Fine Arti CM, 
17, Burlington Sow. 

IF an itching for etching makes Punch an art-scholar, 
It is thanks to the Club, where no foxes they foller, 
Yet manage this Season to give a " View HOLLAH." 



124 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 20, 1875. 







A PICTURE PUZZLE. 

Tenor Warbler (with passionate emphasis on the first Words of each Line) 

" MS-JS-X-B-E-T ME ONCE AGAIN, 

ME-K-E-E-T ME ONCE AQA-A-AIN " 

[Why does the Cat suddenly jump up off the Hearth-rug, rush to the Door, and make frantic endeavours to get out ? 



THE DISESTABLISHED ENC/ENU. 

ANOTHER disestablishment ! Meseems 

The world reels drunken with destructive dreams, 

All surest-based phenomena of life, 

"Wheeling and whirling in new clash of strife I 

What have the young Oxonians done, that they 

Should lose their happy summer holiday, 

When for a week they 've liberty from lore 

To danee and flirt, to revel, and to roar ? 

Commemoration comes in joyous hours, 

When Oxford all breathes summertide and flowers, 

And grey walls smile from green grove and parterre, 

And Isis, bright beneath the balmy air, 

Keeps holiday with light sail, glancing oar, 

Beauty afloat, and love along the shore. 

What if blown youth for once wax riotous, 

Is it*not rather nard to scourge it thus ? 

What if, all full of bread and flush of life, 

Unweaned from joy by sobering stress of life, 

It cheer too loudly for the belles in blue, 

Or howl down males in ties of hotter hue ? 

Granted, grave Dons, the young man might be quieter; 

Is t wise to pull up short this harmless rioter, 

Who, summer-drunk, from schools and lecture freed, 

To his sweet cousinhood shows Christchurch Mead, 

A n lj mp !i < * Cnerwe U> winding calm and clear, 

And Magdalen tower and cloisters, lawns and deer ? 

Cheering term's desert, does not this oasis 

Aid him to place things on their proper basis, 

Teach him that, though the world of books is wide, 

Wider the world of love and life outside, 

Show him that, were e'en HELEN brought from Hades, 

fehe d nud her rival among English ladies, 



Whose sweet unwonted presence more refines 

Than books or billiards, sports, or hacks, or " wines ? " 

Muses forbid that sloth or revelry 

Oxford should sink to a Circean stye, 

That famous Colleges should settle down 

To the low level of the untutored town. 

But other sins might visited have been, 

Ere the Enctenia vanished from the scene. 

There's just this chance, Oxonian rulers. Rads 

May rise among your noisy Undergrads : 

They possibly may take rebellious tone, 

And hold a loud Encaenia of their own, 

Bring up allies whom now you scarce anticjpate, 

And take a whole long summer month to dissipate. 

You '11 say, " We 'd rusticate ! " A vain reply. 

What ! Send down all the University ? 

Coarse Saturnalia there are ways to curb, 

Nor yet the Encaenia's gracious rites disturb. 

If Oxford fails the milder course to try, 

'Tis because Dons are not true Domini. 



Two of a Trade. 



MOTTO FOE THE SwtNQiNG-SALOON SiEAMEE (By the Twin-Ship 
Company)." Corruptio option Bessemer." 

RETALIATORY Mono FOE THE CASTALIA (By tfo Swinging-Saloon 
Steamer Company)." Misfortunes never come single." 



ALABMING PKOSPECT. 

A CEBTAIN Member threatens to make the House too hot for 
Honourable Members, who show him any coldness, to make it, in 
fact, " a perfect Stoke-Hole." 



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MAIICH 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



127 



THE OXFORD COMMEMORATION. 







"Heform it altogether." Hamlet. 

.roNii Meeting of the 
Hebdomadal Council, 
held to take into 
consideration the 
character of the en- 
tertainments to be 
(riven at Oxford 
during the Com- 
memoration Week : 
The minutes of the 
last Meeting (in 
which the Council 
expressed their con- 
viction of the pro- 
priety of checking 
the waste of time and 
money during Com- 
memoration) having 
been read and ap- 
proved, 

Da. DRYASDUST 
said that he was 
quite sure that the 
Council had pursued 
a proper course. The 
excesses of the Un- 
dergraduates were of 
no recent date, and 
at last they had be- 
come intolerable. It 
was true that until 
two years ago (the 
date, by the way, of 
the marriage of his 

only daughter with a gentleman who was then an Undergraduate), Com- 
memoration used to be a very pleasant season indeed. But now all was 
changed. Since that date Commemoration had become dull, insipid, and, so far 
as he could see, utterly useless. Moreover, the Undergraduates had become 
unruly, and must be governed with a rod of iron. The Council were aware 
that he had had considerable experience of scholastic tuition in his earlier 
years. (Hear, hear .') The experience in question was now of great value to 
him. As he knew perfectly well how to deal with boys, he trusted he was quite 
fit to preserve discipline amongst men. (Hear .'). If the Undergraduates whose 
names were enrolled on the books of his own College were (fuilty of levity after 
this announcement, he would have no hesitation in resorting to the harshest 
measures. He would omit pudding from the menu in Hall, and thus strip the 
even-song meal of one of its greatest attractions. Nay, he would even go 
farther. In extreme cases he would crown the ringleaders with head-dresses 
of foolscap, and place them with their faces towards the wall, standing ignomi- 
niously in the corner. He had found the punishments he had just mentioned 
most effective with the junior boys of the Lower First Form in the school of 
which he once had had the honour of being Head-Master ; and he saw no reason 
to doubt that the same punishments would be equally effective at Oxford. 
(Cheers.) 

DR. SOBERSIDES thought it was high time that the satirical sallies of the 
Undergraduates should be suppressed. The theatre on Commemoration Day 
had become, of late years, a perfect bear-garden. (Applause.) The cheers for 
the "ladies in blue and the countercheers for the ladies in pink" were 
calculated to cause a great deal of unseemly rivalry between the persons thus 
singled out for unofficial recognition. (Hear, hear .') But this was not all. 
On one occasion, he was told, three groans had been given for " the old women 
in black." He was informed, on inquiring, that these words masked an allusion 
to the Authorities of the University ! (Prolonged sensation.) He could hardly 
believe that the Undergraduates were so utterlt lost to every sense of decency 
and decorum. He was told that the cheers and groans of the Undergraduates 
were merely " chaff." He had looked out that word in DR. JOHNSON'S Dic- 
tionary, but could find no meaning assigned to it that could justify its finding 
a place among the solemn proceedings of their annual Enotenia. (Hear, hear /) 
He was very glad indeed that the Council had decided upon putting down the 
levity which was an abuse of Commemoration festivity ; and he was quite sure 
that their decision would receive the support of every elderly person, both male 
and female, in the United Kingdom nay, might he not say in the whole serious 
world ? (Loud cheers.) 

DR. HEAVYSTERN complained of the mismanagement of the various balls, 
which he understood to be alluded to in the expression " entertainments on a 
large scale." To give an instance. At the Masons' Ball last year, there was 
not a single suggestion that the members of the Hebdomadal Council should 
dance a pat teul, whether antique or modern. (Hear ! ) He did not for a 
moment suggest that the Hebdomadal Council would have accepted the invita- 
tion (cries of " Yes. yes.'" and "No, no .'"): but, at any rate, the compliment 
might have Seen paid to them. (Cheers.) The promoters of the Oxford Balls 
had been very disrespectful to their Heads. He was assured, on very reliable 



authority, that on one occasion'no less than six Doctors 
of Divinity and a celebrated Professor had to sit out as 
" wall-flowers," whilst a number of first-year men, who 
had secured all the partners in the room, were gaily 
dancing the " Lancers." (" Shame, shame ! ") If proper 
respect was not paid to years and University standing 
during Commemoration Week, how was discipline to be 
maintained for the rest of, the year ? (Hear, Mar .') He 
might add that, in the same spirit of insubordination, 
the dance programmes had been altered, and much for 
the worse, of late years. (Hear, hear ! ) Once the list 
consisted of dances suitable to Heads of Colleges. For 
instance, the dignified First Set (hear, hear!) reigned 
supreme. (Cheers.) Now nothing was set down but 
waltzes ana galops dances, in the opinion of many, 
scarcely suitable to the Heads of Colleges. After this 
disrespectful treatment of the Authorities, he was very 
glad indeed that " entertainments on a large scale" had 
been condemned by the Council. (Cheers.) 

DR. WOODENHEDD said that he had prepared a list of 
Rules to be observed at the Commemoration, which he 
considered would thoroughly carry out the views of the 
Council. With the permission of the Council, he would 
read the list. 

REGULATIONS TO BE OBSERVED AT THE OXFORD COM- 
MEMORATION, 1875. 

1. Undergraduates will appear during the Week, both 
in private and in public, in caps, gowns, black woollen 
gloves, and blue spectacles. 

2. Any Undergraduate caught laughing in the High, 
or flirting with his cousins in Christ Church meadows, 
or Magdalene Walks, will be liable to immediate rusti- 
cation. 

3. No Undergraduate will be permitted to ask his 
relations to any private entertainment whatever, with 
one exception. On obtaining the permission of the Vice- 
Chancellor, an Undergraduate, on proper reason being 
shown, may accompany his grandmother to the Bodleian 
Library. 

4. Mo pic-nics to Nuneham, Blenheim, or Woodstock, 
will be permitted under any circumstances whatever. 

5. In lieu of the usual Christ Church Ball, an enter- 
tainment of Dissolving Views (subject, " Travels in 
Siberia,") will be given in the Debating Hall of the 
Union. 

6. The entertainment! given on board the various 
College-barges this year to consist exclusively of tea and 
muffins. The strength of the tea to be first tested by the 
senior tutor. No Ladies under thirty years of age to be 
admitted to these festivities. 

7. The Vice-Chancellor will be careful to choose the 
foggiest day in the week for the annual Procession of 
Boats. 

8. No Flower Show will be permitted, except in 
drixzly weather. Ladies will be expected to wear long 
waterproof cloaks, and bonnets of a pattern to be 
obtained at the Oxford Workhouse. 

9. Undergraduates (for their guidance, and in the hope 
of their co-operation) are informed that it is the inten- 
tion of the University Authorities to give to the Com- 
memoration entertainments at Oxford as much as 
possible of the character of SIR WILFRID LAWSOH'S 
Northern Tea-feasts, excluding, however, the Baronet's 
own amusing speeches. 

The Council haye been moved to make these some- 
what radical changes by the misconduct of a few fresh 
men at the Commemorations of recent years. 



Brothers in Blue. 

IF Cambridge win first place 

In this years well-pulled race, 
A tie twixt Cam and Isis we shall see. 

Of mixt dark-blue and sky. 

Weave the ribbon for that " tie : " 
And a true -lovers' knot its fastening be ! 



Reasoning: for Ritualists. 

CLERICAL defenders of Vestments might assert, with 
truth, that these "ornaments of the Minister" usually 
serve a double purpose, as, after having been used in 
Church, they furnish ample material for Ecclesiastical 
Suits out of it. 



128 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 20, 1875. 




BSL. 



BIRDS OF A FEATHER. 



MARCH 20, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



129 




A FINAL APPEAL. 

" Now, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MY.SKLF trroK YOUR IMPARTIAL 
JUDGMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I C'ONFIDKNII.T ASK, DOES THB 
PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN. A>D TRAMPLE UPON 
THB WIFE OF HIS BOSOM ? GKNTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE ! " 



PROVERBS REFUTED. 

IT has been said of old that " A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush." 
Try it. Take a bird (any bird will do), in your hand, and hold it securely : 
then take a passage in the first vessel you can find (any vessel will do), and 
proceed to the Antipodes, still retaining the bird in the hand, where the Bush 
is supposed to be. When you arrive, examine the bird which you have in 
your hand, and compare it with any two birds you can find in the Buah. 
Estimate their relative value. You will find that the proverb has led you 
astray. 

Again. It has been (aid that " It is the last straw that breaks the camel's 
back." Imprimis, how long would a man go about until he had satisfied 
himself that he had found the " last" straw ? But we will grant, for the sake 
of argument, that the " last straw " has been found. Now take your camel 
(any camel will do), and cautiously deposit that straw upon the back of the 
camel, and carefully observe whether the spine of that quadruped is dislocated. 
It is to be imagined not. How then this proverb ? 

Once more. It has been spoken, and written, that if you " Take care of the 
pence, the pounds will take care of themselves." Make the experiment. Take 
pence (say three pence) and place them in your purse, and put your purse in 
your pocket. Button your pocket, if your pocket is buttonaple ; or deposit the 
three pence with your banker, or invest them in a Canadian oil-well. Next take 
a sovereign (anybody's sovereign will do), and place it carefully on the pave- 
ment (the centre of a coal-plate is not a bad spot), and after retiring up the 
stage, and "dissembling," observe how that sovereign takes care of itself. 

It is not impossible that attention may be directed to the fallacy of other 
proverbs in due course. 

N.B. 

IN consequence of the great success of The Transit of Venus in 1874, when 
thousands were unable to witness the performance, arrangements have been 
made for its reproduction in 1882. Seats can be booked seven years in advance. 
No fees. Spectators are politely requested to make it convenient to be in their 
seats as early as possible before the commencement of The Transit. 



BIRDS OF A FEATHER. 

iLL-used birds of the air, 
Your best counsel prepare 
You may plead self-defence in this nice nipping weather ; 
Resistance to plan 
'Gainst your enemy, Man, 
>r be birds, soon, of not e'en so much as a feather ! 

There 'a no ostrich so tall, 

And no torn-tit so small, 
No fiyer or climber, no swimmer or wader, 

No sea-bird nor land-bird, 

No steppe, swamp, or strand bird, 
Hut should put best wing forward against the invader. 

The Greeks, more aesthetic, 

Or more sympathetic 
Than we, wore no plumes, their own tresses content with ; 

Even Rome stooped to spare 

The poor birds of the air, 
Though she spared little else that her Empire was blent 
with. 

Now, from Prince next the Throne, 

Who boasts for his own 
The three ostrich feathers, with Ich Dien for motto, 

To the Red-Skin, full-drest, 

Whose sea-eagle-tail crest 
Shades lank-hair and hatchet-face stained with arat tto 

From the gay mililaire, 

On whose coiffure de guerre 
Waves the spoil of some bird's neck or back, train or 
pinion, 

To the Court-belle, and Caffre, 

For feathers who chaffer, 
One to stick in her wool, one to hoist o'er her chignon : 

From the peacock's-plumed eyes, 

With their green and gold dyes, 
To the shimmer and sheen of the humming-bird's gorget, 

Twixt the Pole and the Tropic, 

Man's search telescopic, 
Finds each feather of price, or, unfound, rogues to forge it. 

Not a hat, toque, or bonnet 

But has feathers upon it, 
For Back-Slum or Belgravian Girl of the Period. 

If you ask what 's their use, 

Yon 're set down with abuse ; 
In the teeth of La Mode the fair sex think the query odd. 

Age or clime, rank or sex, 

No matter ; none recks 
The plea of that birds' angel, BABONKSS Courrg : 

Far too much of a feather, 

In thi flock together. 
Savage biped and civilised, both alike brutes. 

Then claim, hosts of air, 

Birds' plumes for birds' wear. 
Punch will lend you his baton your robbers to leather ; 

And such spoilers proclaim 

Cowards all, to their shame, 

Who, whate'er their plumes' colour, show all the white 
feather ! 



Our Good Wishes. 

A REMARKABLE Actor, who for some years past has 
won admiration by his finished performances in modern 
comedy, has ventured into a new path, and become the 
Manager of the Court Theatre. The best wish Mr. 
Punch can offer him is, that he may very speedily 
be able to speak of himself as "the HAKE with many 
friends." 

An Irish. National School-Lesson. 

Master. Spell " Patriotism." 

Scholar. P-a-t, "Pat;" r-i-o-t, "riot;" i-s-m, 
" ism." 

Master. Now spake it together. 
Scholar. Pat-riot-ism. 
Master. Ah, then it's the good boy you are entirely. 



130 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 20, 1875. 



MORS UTRINQUE. 



ESPECTED PUNCH, we ' 'Men 

of Kent " 
By dire intestine strife are 

rent. 

In Ashford Vale are found 
'. no foxes, 
;> Or only such as, fetched 

in boxes 
From happier wilds, afford 

no sport 
A bagged 'un's wind is 

always short. 
" Death to the foxes ! " cry 

the keepers ; 
" That kill our pheasants, 

crafty creepers." 
" D'aeth to the rescue ! " 

cry the riders ; 
" D'aeth seize the selfish 

vulpiciders, 
To kill poor foxes all too 

willing ! 
Which we want for our 

private killing." 
He who nor shoots nor 



rides to cover, 
Of pheasants nor of foxes 

lover, 

Views in amaze D'AEIH'S and Death's pother, 
And votes one six, half-dozen t'other. 




SEASONABLE ADYEKIlriEilENTS. 

POPPY. Meet me at the Boat-Race on Saturday. I shall bo near 
the Soap Works. Look out for the Windsor uniform. BROWN. 

DARLING. The old Tabby has got the estate, bat it is entailed, so 
your poor Kittuma must after all go to Lapland, and miss the Boat- 
Race and you. She baa just sent for another dozen of pocket-handkerchiefs, 
all ready hemmed. Think of her when you pass the Water-works. 

MR. E. P. CURE. We hope to see you at Luncheon after the Race, 
if the Buffet Ministry stands and the young potatoes arrive in time ; 
but the mail has been detained by bad colds, and vegetation is backwards. 
Bring the telescope dining-tables with you, and the cold roast cassowary, if 
the Secretary can spare it. We want some candles (dips) for the bath-room. 
CRONIES. 

MAID MARIAN. The blue rock has come back to its crystal perch, 
and the answer is perfectly soothing. Have you inked your fingers 
lately ? The winter turnips saved me. D. counts the apples in the Library 
as usual, without relaxing a muscle, and is very Moody. The windmills know 
all about you, but they will not venture on an opinion while the wind is in the 
east. The Doctor found his fee in the pumpkin ! If there is anything in this 
which is not quite clear, I will explain it on Saturday on Barnes Bridge. Be 
there in good time, and remember my parting words about Vaticanism and 
the soup-ladle. JASPER. 

OLD HAND TO YOUNG BEGINNER. I have consulted the Spirits 
as to which will win. ARISTOTLE and ALDRICH say Oxford ; EUCLID 
and NEWTON Cambridge. I must leave you to decide for youself. Please 
send a P. 0.0. for my fee, two guineas. 

E. G. TO H. E. M. Let us meet once more at Mortlake, on 
Saturday. Wear your new hat and stockings. 



w. 



Hard Work for French Adapters. 

To get into a fix, and get out of a fix, 

Asks, each, its own art, and France should be a dab in it : 
See what planning of sections and shaping of sticks, 

From a BUFFET'S materials to fashion a Cabinet. 



GROSS 



How can those Ritualists who so strenuously maintain themselves 
to be orthodox Members of the Western Church make such a point 
as they do of the Eastern Position ? 



JOCCLAB ENTOMOLOGY. 



Professor. Define a blackbeetle ? 
Pupil. A coaly-hopterous insect. 



IN MEMORIAM. 



Sir $)0p* rant, 

BORN 1818. 



DIED, MARCH 7, 1875. 



BORN 1813. 



So frequent falls Ui3 h<\ivy hand of death, 
Time fails for wreathing each fresh funeral crown : 

Men, whose own hair is grey, read with drawn breath 
Of loved and honoured suddenly struck down. 

well for England that when living names 
Pass to the death-roll in her Book of Gold, 

'Tis rare that search finds stain to soil their fames, 
Proudly in that proud fellowship enrolled. 

And ne'er were purer names writ in that hook 
Than these, whose record last by Death was sealed : 

The soldier, kind of heart and blithe of look, 
Joyous in camp as grim on foughten field. 

Who, patient, hrooked neglect, and bided time, 
And lost no chance of laurels, when it came ; 

And through sore stress of hot war, and hard clime, 
For duty lived ; nor cried, nor craved, for fame. 

One whose pure life had no need to divide 
The Christian and the Captain well : content,* 

To pray with his own soldiers side by side ; 
"V et boy for harmless sport and merriment. 

Who lived full in the rude camp's watchful eye, 
Unblarned, beloved, respected; who lay down 

To well-earned rest, as one for whom to die 
Is humbly to exchange life's cross for crown. 

Nor less a type what scholar ought to be, 
The sage, whose death-bell with the soldier's blends : 

Who in his office long and faithfully 
Gathered the lessons his books taught his friends. 

For all his readers grew his friends to be, 
Won by that wise and working kindliness, 

Which without quest of cure no ill could see, 
Yet knew not chafe of impotent distress. 

Keeper of his Queen's secrets trusted, true, 
Ruling with like discretion pen and tongue : 

A friend of friends in council, whom none knew 
Unless to love, high or low, old or young. 

'Tis hard the loss of such lives to make good ; 

The good of such examples hard to shun ; 
Unkind to hold them still here, if we could, 

From that sweet sleep- the rest from duty done. 

* SIK HOPE GRANT often attended the services in the simple soldiers' 
Mission-house at the Camp. 



Not to be Gainsaid. 

WHETHER the newly-formed French Ministry remain a long or a 
short time in office, one thing is quite certain that they will haye 
their Say in the Assembly. 



Mem. for Miners. 

HOLD on Strike, and, no doubt, 
Soon the Workhouse you '11 win ; 

You 've provoked a Lock-Out ; 
You will gain a Lock-In. 



CONUKDRUM BY A COUNTIES. 

WHEN is a Lady going to Court, in a crush, like one too late for 
the Railway ? 
When she loses her Train. 



BOAT-HACE OTKKY. 

WILL RHODES marshal WAY, or will WAT show RHODIS to 
victory ? 



MARCH 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. 



131 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

HE " Great Council of the Nation" 
was once the title of Parliament. 
The " GreatPublic Inquiry Office " 
would be a better name for it 
now-a-days, when everything in 
referred to a Select Committee. 
But in the Lords (Friday, March 
12th) the DUKE OP RICHMOND 
performed the now uncommon 
feat of bringing a Bill out of, 
instead of sending one into, a 
Select Committee. 

His so-called Tenant Rig^ht Bill 
is a mild attempt at securing for 
tenants compensation for unex- 
hausted and authorised improve- 
ments of their holdings. It is 
the outcome of a Select Committee 
obtained by MB. PHILIP PUSEY as 
far back as 1848. Certainly, it 
cannot be said that Government 
has not taken time for "consider- 
ation." 

The Duke apologised, almost 
pathetically, for taking up their 
Lordships' time in explaining his 
Bill. Unfriendly critics might 
call it a glaring example of " class 
legislation," what with its classes 
of improvements, classes of 
owners, classes of tenants, classes 
of customs, classes of notice, and 
classes of procedure. But with 
all these classes the Bill is not to 
interfere with " freedom of con- 
tract" between class and class. 

A landlord and tenant may make a class for themselves, 
outside of all these classes, and settle their terms of 
holding according to the exigences of the one and the 
needs or eagerness of the other. The Duke has got in 
what he may fairly call the small end of the wedge. 

Never was so small an offspring of so long an incuba- 
tion. If Select Committees aid not occasionally hatch 
larger chickens, it is clearly not to their breeding qualities 
that they owe their present popularity. 

In the Commons, MK. RATHBONE'S complaint of the 
undigested state in which Acts of Parliament are found 
in the maws of Consolidation Acts, like the contents of 
a tar's pocket in a shark's stomach, was met by the 
universal recipe reference to Select Committee. 
SIK J. MCKENNA tried to prove that Ireland is unfairly taxed. 

MB. LOWE nailed the fallacy on which his argument rested. Jit is not Ireland that is taxed, but Irishmen, and Irishmen pay less than 
Saxons. Besides, SIR JOHN, think how Irishmen are allowed to tax the patience of the Saxon in and out of the House. 

MK. T. BRASSEY wants another Commission on the practice of Marine Insurance, which might, from one view of its consequences, 
be best described as " scuttling made profitable." But strange to say the Commission was not granted as prayed. ME. BRASSEY should 
have asked for a Select Committee, " fa ne se refuse pas" as the French phrase runs. 

MB. O'CONNOR POWER asked for a general amnesty for the Irish " political prisoners," a phrase which in Irish covers Manchester 
murderers and soldiers who have been false to their oath. We need not say the request was refused" with regret," as MR. CROSS said, 
but with determination. 

Monday. (Lords.) LORD SELBORNE tried to put a back-bone of compulsory registration into LORD CAIRNS' Land Titles and Transfer 
Bill, but without effect. " Inexpedient and impracticable," says the LORD CHANCELLOR. " We don't make laws to compel people to 
do what they don't like." That 's our notion of " harassing legislation." We had thought till now that three-fourths of the statutes were 
passed for precisely that purpose. But all Bills now-a-days are to be Permissive Bills except the one SIR WILFRID LAWSON wants. 

(Commons.) CAPTAIN Pm is going to pick holes in MR. E. J. REED'S ships, and to ask (of course) f or a SelectlCommittee to help him. 
Take care, CAPTAIN Pm ; Ma. E. J. REED wields a pen in the Press as well as a tongue in Parliament, and his assailants' coats may prove 
as easy to pick holes in as his ironclads. Nobody believes in himself and his ships more absolutely than the late Chief Constructor of 
the Navy. If he and MR. BESSEMER together put down sea-sickness in the Channel, who is there they mayn't feel strong enough to put 
down on dry land ? 

Then we had the debate on the Second Reading of the Regimental Exchanges repeated on the Bill going into Committee. But the 
Bill " has got to be passed," as the Yankees say, and argument and amendment are alike idle. Great wrath of the Guards Officers 
and their organs at MR. GOSCHEN'S City way of looking at things, when he charged the Officers of the Household troops, in the words of 
a Guards Colonel, with selling " their prestige and their privileges." 

Perish the thought ! " Non cauponantes helium, sed belligerantes " is these indignant warriors' description of themselves. 
Still, an exchange into the Guards does command a higher price than any other sample of the article ; and what is the fancy price 
for, if not for "prestige and privileges?" No doubt, it was very rude in MB. GOSCIIEN to apply City terms to a high military 
transaction. 

Tuesday. (Lords.) Poor LORD LYTTELTON was very pathetic, in his grim, serio-comic fashion, on the cold shoulder given by the 
Government to his Bill for Bishops by Voluntary Contribution. Of course, said LORD SALISBURY, Government could not be expected to 
be responsible for the Bill, because they could not be confident as to its practical working. 

LORD KIMBERLEY very rudely wanted to know if Government had any opinion on the subject. " Any opinion," indeed ! Far too 
many opinions to be pleasant. 

(Common*.) Called at two o'clock to MR. NEWDEGATE'S serious disgust, who had, mirabile dictu, been absent when the morning 




TOL. LXVm. 



132 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 27, 1875. 




AWFUL STATE OF THINGS AT PUTNEY! 

University Coach (to Coxswain). " IT 's PERFECTLY RIDICULOUS ! HERE 

YOU 'VE GONE AND GAINED AN OUNCE AND A HALF IN THE LAST FORTNIGHT ! 
IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS, I MIUHT JUST AS WELL STEER THE BOAT MYSELF 1 " 



THE NEW FOREST. 

"Lone HE.VRY JOHN MONTAGU-DOUGLAS-SCOTT on Tuesday 
evening, March 17, obtained a Select Committee to inquire into 
the enclosure of the New Forest." 

" In the following pages," says PEACOCK, in the preface to 
Gryll Grange, " the New Forest is always mentioned as if it were 
still unenclosed. This is the only state in which the Author has 
been acquainted with it. Since its enclosure he has never seen 
it, and purposes never to do so." 

PUNCH thanks you, scion of the bold BUCCLEUCH, 

Now, when our need of elbow-room is sorest, 
For bearding the utilitarian crew 

Who 'd cut up the New Forest. 

the long leagues of heath and sunny furze ! 

the great oak-trees, haunted by the squirrel ! 
The glades, delight of daily pienicers, 

Where RUFUS died by TTBBEL ! 

There is no pleasant corner of those woods 

But breeds its legends plenteous as its throstles, 
Which sing in summer hours sweet interludes 
Amid the " Twelve Apostles." * 

Who has not eaten rashers at the " Crown," 

And gone to Church by Faith's or Fine Art's urgin's, 
To see the fresco, pride of Lyndhurst town, 
LEIGHTON'S ten lovely Yirgins ? t 

Are there five wise ones anywhere about ? 

Will there be five wise men on this Committee, 
Who '11 make the Forest safe beyond a doubt ? 
If not, the more 's the pity. 

'Tis not good wheat you grow on forest land, 

But health and joy, in wild walk, coppice briery, 

And broad heath, on whose sky-line, grey and grand, 

Cuts stately Christchurch Priory. 

If such delight be good for human brains, 

Why from the catalogue of pleasures strike it ? 

Let 's leave to England, while the chance remains, 

One scene of As You Like It. 

* Twelve oaks (of which about four or five now stand), which 
must have been old trees when WILLIAM RUFUS was killed. 

t LEIGHTON'S fine altar-piece of the Parable of the Virgins is 
alone worth a trip to the Forest. 






sitting was announced. Of course the Head-master was down on the 
model boy the last he should have expected to complain of a few 
extra hours of School ! The School ought to have got a black-sheep 
to utter this grievance, not one who seems to like the School so much, 
that he is, as a rule, one of the first boys in, and one of the last out ; 
one who, as the Head-master profanely put it, might have been 
expected to look at the Parliamentary papers, he would not say, 
first thing in the morning, but " next thing after his prayers." 

Funny, but wrong-^and a hit, at once, at ME. NEWDEBATE'S 
regularity and religiosity, which the House laughed at, of course, 
but, we hope, blushed for in contrition afterwards. 

A third course of the Regimental Exchanges debate, but, to-night, 
with the formidable addition of the big gun GLADSTONE to the 
battery of argument against the unlucky Bill. 

As we said before, it has got to pass, not by force of reason, but 
by might of majorities: overwhelming majority overwhelms, not 
reasons. Besides, as everybody contradicts everybody else point 
blank on every point of the Bill cause and effect why should 
MB. GLADSTONE waste his powder and shot on what can no more be 
wounded than the impalpable air ? 

MB, HABDY congratulated the House on the eloquent voice that 
had, once more, made itself heard among them, and then held up to 
horror and contempt MB. LOWE, " who had spoken of the Ofiieers with 
sneers and scorn, and had throughout imputed to them the most 
degraded motives ; and Ma. GOSCHEIT, the beginning, middle, and 
end of whose speech had been money ? " 

And what but money, Punch must ask, has been the beginning, 
middle, and end, of the Regimental Exchanges Bill ? 

The Bill passed through Committee. 

In the evening sitting MB. ANDEBSON narrowly escaped a Count- 
Out for his lecture on Currency. He, too, rash man, asked for a 
Royal Commission, instead of a Select Committee, on the Bank Acts, 
and, of course, didn't get it. LOBD H. SCOTT, better advised, did 
ask for, and, of course, got his Select Committee to inquire into the 
operation of the Deer-removal Act in the New Forest. The deer 
are past praying for, but their holts and glades, their lawns and 



coverts, still ask for protection from the share and spade. So more 
power to LORD H. SCOTT'S elbow and less to the enclosers'. 

Wednesday. Not a Church, but a Scotch Currency Wednesday. 
Ma. GOSCIIEN made a grand stand in the Bankers' breach, to keep 
back a threatened inroad of Scotch Banks into London, and main- 
tain the dyke against a flood of one pound Scotch notes, already, he 
says, overflowing the Northern Counties. 

This led to a fierce clash of reatrictionists and relaxationists 
including MB. GLADSTONE on the side of the former. Open the dykes 
that confine the English banks, said MR. ANDEBSON ; don't build up a 
dyke to wall in the Scotch ones. After a series of sharp rounds, pro 
and con., the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER flung down his warder 
a Select '.Commitee, of course. This put MB. LOWE'S categorical and 
practical backup. "Almost everything before the House was either 
going, or had gone, to a Committee, or a Commission, and he thought 
they had reached a point beyond which the force of Committees 
could no farther go. It was all very well to talk about ' circula- 
tion ' what was wanted was something to quicken the circulation 
of Right Honourable Gentlemen opposite, to stir them up from the 
slothful habits that led them to shift the responsibility of action by 
hiding themselves behind some Committee, or Commission, or even 
their own majority." First blood for white-headed BOB! The fairest, 
hardest, and beat aimed hit of the Session. 

Thursday. (Lords.) In answer to LOBD SELBOBNE'S interroga- 
tion, the LORD CHANCELLOR declined to pledge the Government to 
deal with such a Reform of the Marriage Acts as should make a man 
or woman married in Scotland or Ireland well married in all the 
British dominions, and if not, not. At present, as witness the 
Yelverton Case, it is a toss-up if the splice good for Scotland may 
not be bad for the rest of Great Britain. 

LOBD CHELMSFORD did not see his way to legislation, and LORD 
SELBOBNE repeated MB. LOWE'S last night's punishment of the 
faineant Government. 

(Commons). In a thin House, MR. CAWLEY, quite in the spirit of 
the times, moved to refer the Artisans' Dwelling Bill, to that refuge 
for the destitute (of policy and ideas) , a Select Committee. For once 



MARCH 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



133 




the request was refused, and SKCRETABY CROSS was firm in resistin, 
all amendments of his Bill, even one so reasonable as lowering th 
limits of population which shall bring the Act into operation i: 
Ireland, though the present limit (:i.">,000) will only let in five Iris! 
towns. 

When the Government does make up its mind to be obstinate, it 
obstinacy can be wonderful. In the course of the debate, the larg 
and genial presence of MAJOB O'GOBMAN was welcomed back to th 
House with cheers ! 



EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY! 

(A Sequel to the Ncir Hill.) 

IEST-EITD Auction 
Room. Auc- 
tioneer in hit 
rostrum. In - 
tending Pur- 
chasers seated a 
tit/i/i\ Two Men 
holding up for 
inspection the 
State Belts be- 
longing tu the 
I'niform of at 
Officer of the 
Guards. 

Auctioneer. 
There, Gentlemen! 
Those beautiful 
things are worn al 
, Drawing 
1 looms, and State 
Balls. They look 
equally well in the 
daylight and at 
night. And think 
of the social pres- 
tige ! A Commis- 
sion in the Guards ! 
Such advantages ! 
ine run ot the Opera membership of one of the most exclusive 
Clubs in London ! Both these advantages are sold with the Com- 
mission I 'mean, go with the Exchange. I am told too that the 
Kegiment did very good service in Flanders and the Crimea. The 
colours (which may be inspected at Head- Quarters) are covered 
with victories embroidered in the richest style. Come now, what 
shall we say ? 

Intending Purchaser No. 1. A thousand pounds. 
Atictioneer. Surely, Sir, you must be joking ! A thousand pounds 
for the honour of belonging to a Regiment that fought at Waterloo ! 
Intending Purchaser No. 2. Fifteen hundred pounds 
Aitctioneer Thank you, Sir. But surely the social prestige is 
worth more than that! 

Intending Purchaser No. 1. Two thousand pounds. 
. Auctioneer. Thank you, Sir. But think of the excellent quarters 
in London and Windsor. 

Intending Purchaser No. 2. Two thousand five hundred pounds. 
Auctioneer. Thank you, Sir. And the all but nominal work. 
Intending Purchaser No. 1. Three thousand pounds. 
Auctioneer. Thank you. Sir. Only three thousand! (A pause.) 
Mon t mind telling you, Gentlemen, that the present holder of this 
Commission would never have thought of parting with it had he not 
been forced to dispose of it by circumstances over which he had no 
control. I don't mind telling you, Gentlemen, just to encourage you 
4 vi j I y> tnat the P resen t owner of this Commission has fought 
and bled for his country. Moreover, he belongs to one of the oldest 
County families m the Kingdom. Surely it would be an honour- 
worth tar more than three thousand pounds to become the successor 
ot such a man ! He only quits the Guards because he cannot at this 
noment afford to live in London and Windsor in a manner becoming 
Tv i P sition - ! may tell you. too (in strict confidence) 
le really wants the money. He is quite prepared to Exchange 
i anybody. He will go anywhere. As the money is wanted to 
liquidate a debt of honour, he is prepared to sacrifice everything to 
iin it. Distance from home, and character of climate, are im- 
material to him. Come, Gentlemen, after this you must bid. It 
s my privilege to point out that the offioers-in-waiting are always 
taken from this favoured branch of the Service, and that they are 
always invited to the Royal Balls and Garden Parties. The Mess is 

frequently honoured by the presence of the most exalted 

Intending Purchaser No. 2 (eagerly interrupting the Auctioneer'). 
Three thousand five hundred pounds ! 



Intending Purchaser No. 1 (ijuicklu). Four thousand ! 

Auctioneer. Thank you, Sir. lour thousand pounds ! An' 
advance, Gentlemen? llemember Waterloo, the Opera Box, invi 
tations to the Palace Balls and Garden Parties, and the charms o 
London Society ! All going for the ridiculously small sum of four 
thousand pounds ! No advance ? Going, going, gone (raps). The 
Exchange is yours, Sir. (Tu Purchaser.) Your name, if you 
please, Sir. 

Purchaser. LIEUTENANT BBOWST, 5th West India Regiment jur 
got it from the Mudborough Militia. (Gives cheque.) Here's the 
money. 

Auctioneer. Thank you. Sir. Where shall I send the Commiswra,? 

Purchaser. 0, to my father's shop in Bond Street ! 

ZZZ \_Exit, with dignity 

Auctioneer. Certainly, Sir. Now for the next article. (Tu Men. 
Just display the Uniform of the 7th Hussars. This is a very nice 
thing indeed, Gentlemen. Admirably suited (if I may be allpwet 
to say so) to the son of an eminent soap-boiler, or a dis*inguishe< 
pork-butcher, anxious to " obtain his proper weight in the socia 
scale." A crack Cavalry Regiment, you will observe, Gentlemen ' 
Now, what shall we say, Gentlemen ? Fifteen hundred pounds '( 

[ The seme dotes in as the bidding rccummences 



" WHA.T MUN I DO ? AND WHERE MUN I GOO ? ' 

Sony of Iht Country Lad. Ey On who knmci him. 

TFCLLY DEDICATED TO LORD SANDON'.) 

LEAVE mo alone I don't know nowt ; 

I don't waant nuther to write nor read 
My feyther and muthcr can do wi'out, 

And they are the sharpest as e'er I seed. 

Sehoolmester says I mnn go to school, 

And learn to read and do some sums; 
But Farmer Downs he says, " Tenpence a-day 

Is better nor all their ' fe-fah-f urns.' 

" Ton man at the school, wi' his mucky tasks, 

Will mak' thy hands as soft as silk ; 
He'll straighten thy legs like besom-shafts, 

And he '11 turn thy face as white as milk. 

" I don't want lads to follow my plough 

As will laugh at every word I say 
Who can tell me the Latin word for ' cow,' 

But can't clean one out or cut her hay." 

Parson says, " You mun go," says he, 

" And larn to be a Christian lad : 
For what is the use oi A B C, 

If your heart is wrong and your morals bad ? " 

Gover'ment says, " Ton mun get that there, 
(If you waants it so bad) some other way : 

We don't pay grants for Collets and Texts." 
And so Sehoolmester he puts Bible away. 

Fevther says, " To school yo mun go. 
To comply with the 'Cultural Children's Act : 

And if the cupboard has nowt to show. 
We mun gt> wi'out it, and that's a feet." 

But I don't waant to goo and I don't mean to learn 
And I don't csre for Sehoolmester, Parson, or Squire. 

They may pull as they like I shall stand where I am : 
They can't get me lower they shan't get me higher ! 



Wliere Can they have Got it ? 
A Pusaiing Ctntrast. 

cases of Drunkenness t Number of Publicans convicted 
reported in MAJOB GRETG'S Re- for permitting Drunkenness in 
port for 1874 . . 23,303 ' Liverpool during 1874* . 3 

* " If any Licensed Person permits drankcnnm, * or sail* any 
ntoxicatmg Liquors to any drunken person, he shall be liable to a penalty 
ot exceeding for the first offence Ten Pounds, ami not exceeding for the 
*>nd and any subsequent offence Twenty Pound*." 



THE ATTACK ON THH " NOKTHTTMr HKOFBT8." 

HAMPSTEAD may fairly be regarded as one of " the lungs of Lon- 
on." The greatest care, therefore, should be taken not to introduce 
isease into it. 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 27, 1875. 




VERY LIKELY! 

" NO, GRANDMAMMA, rr 's ALL OF NO USE I I Lore HIM, I VE LOVED HIM FOR TSARS, AND ns LOVES us, AND THEY MAY 
PART us, AND IT MAY KILL MB ; BUT I 'LL NEVER CAKE FOE ANYBODY ELSB, AND I 'LL THINK OF NOTHING IN THE 'WORLD BUT 
mil, MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHT, UNTIL I Dis I " 

" POOR DARLING I Now, TAKE MY ADVICB. COME AND SPEND A FEW WEEKS ALONE WITH ME AT LITTLE PEDDLINGTON, AND 

LEAD A QUIET LlFE, YOU KNOW, AND LOOK AFTER THE GEESE, AND THE POULTRY, AND ALL THAT, AND YOU 'LL SOON FOROET HIM!" 



A SUBURBAN PLAY(GUE) GROUND. 
(See Cartoon.) 

IN spite of ihe strongest possible protests, the Asylums Board of 
Hampstead hold to their determination of building a Fever Hospital 
next door to the residence of SIR ROWLAND HILL, K.C.B. When 
the much desired Select Committee of the House of Commons inquire 
into the matter, the following evidence ought to be laid before 
them. Mr. Punch is, therefore, only anticipating a little when he 
publishes the testimony of MR. BENJAMIN BLOCKHEAD. It will 
be noticed that if this witness is .not actually a Hampstead Vestry- 
man himself, he has at least many Members of the Board acting as 
the direct Representatives and supporters of the views he so ably 
expresses. 

MR. BENJAMIN BLOCKHEAD, examined. Has great influence with 
the Asylums Board. Knows nothing about Sanitary Laws. Hates 
argument. Does not believe in grievances. Thinks when the Board 
have decided upon anythiag, they should stick to it. Those are his 
sentiments. Is perfectly aware that SIE ROWLAND HILL protested 
against the erection of the proposed hospital seven years ago. Is 
also aware that the hospital grounds are, for three hundred yards, 
conterminous with SIR ROWLAND'S premises, that the Hospital 
buildings are in full view from the windows of his house, and that 
the road by which the sick and dead are carried, passes directly 
under the balcony of his study. Has heard that advancing years 
have confined SIR ROWLAND to the study and balcony that there 
he passes nearly the whole of every day. He (Witness) cannot help 
tkat. 

Chairman of Committee (to Witness], Yon speak very disre- 
spectfully of SIR ROWLAND HILL. Do you know who that gentle- 
man is ? 

Witness (flippantly). 0! I don't know. Something to do with 
penny postage-stamps eh ? 



Chairman of Committee. SIR ROWLAND HILL, K.C.B. , is one of 
the ablest Civil Servants this country has ever known. The house 
he occupies in his well-earned retirement is, so to speak, the gift of 
the nation a gift that very poorly represents the gratitude and 
respect he has the right to expect at the hands of every English- 
man. 

Witness. 0, that's it, is it! (Examination 'continued.) He 
was also aware that the present site of eight acres cost 1,950 an 
acre, and is estimated by the Asylums Board to be worth 26,000, 
that this sum the Hampstead Committee had offered to pay down, 
although they knew that when they came to sell the property, 
they would lose from 6,000 to 10,000. He was also aware 
that the Board had been offered an estate of twenty-three and 
a half acres for 29,300. He was sufficiently a mathematician 
to understand that by this arrangement the Board would be- 
come possessed of an additional nfteen and a half acres for a 
further outlay of 3,300. He was also aware that were a 
circle of moderate radius drawn round the site already possessed 
by the Board, it'.would include four hundred houses. He knew, too, 
that were the same radius drawn round the site proposed by the 
Hampstead Committee, it would include only twelve houses. He 
was also aware that Da. MURCHISON had declared that the new site 
proposed by the inhabitants of Hampstead was in no respects infe- 
rior, and in some most important respects superior, to the site 
selected by the Asylums Board. 

Chairman of Committee. And yet, in spite of all this, it is your 
opinion that the Asylums Board should persist in their determination 
of erecting the Fever Hospital on a site so inconvenient and so 
objectionable as the one they have selected ? 

Witness. Certainly. If I did not, I should be unworthy of 
representing the Asylums Board and of being called Blockhead ! 



SATING FOR SOLDIERS. Sell the Kit and deserve the Cat. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 27, 1875. 



\ > 




. . 



HAPPY HAMPSTEAD! 

(A SUBURBAN PLAY(GUE) GROUND.) 



SUNDAY-OUTER. " HA, MY DEAR ! NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL PLEASANT AND SALOOBRIOUS ! DO THE 
YOUNG 'UNS NO END 0' GOOD. LET'S GET ON TO THE "EATH." 



MABCU 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



137 




THE RACE OF THE TRUE BLUES. 

HOUGH grey-beards 
groan and pe- 
dants moan o'er 
books to blazes 
flung, 

M.D.'s complain 
of overstrain, 
and risk to heart 
and lung, 

While boys are 
blithe, and 
young limbs 
lithe, and young 
strengths con- 
test dare, 

The boat-race will 
be boat - race 
still, and London 
will be there. 

Ihouchbrawn and 
thews we less 
may use than 
our forefathers 
wont, 

The jcy of strife makes life of life the life in battle's front ; 
This true-blue race with no disgrace of craft or cross is ran, 
Where the winner wins but honour, and the loeer loses none. 

What myriads pour along the shore, by foot and wheel and rail, 
What myriads teem on Thames' broad stream, by oar and screw and sail ; 
On holt and bridge, and piled roof-ridge, what crowds on either side 
In the.midst the mighty river's, on its banks the city's tide. 

All eyes are bent, all minds intent, where, oars a-poise to dip, 
Each rival eight the signal wait like greyhounds in the slip, 
Of England's sons the champions for pluck and blood and bone, 
Strong wills well broke their cox and stroke to know and them alone. 

How fair they show, trained fine to row, those sixteen striplings strong ; 
Just weight enough, no ounce of stuff but helps their ship along. 
Each coxswain y are, with yoke-lines square, each boat on even keel, 
And level laid each stout ash-blade, held in a grasp of steel. 

A hush, a word, more felt than heard, twice eight oars dip like one, 
The lithe boats leap, the ash-blades sweep, and flash 'twixt stream and sun ; 
A steady swing of backward fling, and home-pulled forward stroke, 
With all the aid that tough ash- blade demands from heart of oak. 

'Tis cither's race, so timed the pace, BO equipoised the strength- 
No, bow and bow are severed now, a quarter half a length 
Now Cambridge slows, cool Oxford rows, but still 'tis well-pulled all, 
And no oar drags, no courage flags, from stroke to coxswain small. 

What boots to tell the sink and swell of challenge-shout and cheer, 
Of hot blood's rush as fade and flush alternate hope'and fear ; 
)f bright eyes tilled, and hot hopes chilled, as, 'gainst the keen north wind, 
The light-blue oars show, from the shores, more and more lengths behind ; 

For styles are styles, and miles are miles, and when work, weight, and will 
Their best have done, the race is won by these plus sleight and skill : 
Dark-blue once more Light-blue shows o'er, and Cambridge.beat, may say, 
".We took our RHODES to honour, but (key found Victory's WAT." 



NEW MONSTEKS AT ROME. 

[A recent telegram announced the arrival of certain English Baptists going to assist at 
the opening of a chapel in Borne. The following reference to that event, reported to 
have been made in an Allocution delivered, the other day, to certaiu Eminent 
Personages, can hardly be thought to require confirmation.] 

You cannot, Venerable Brethren, but have admired the curious felicity with 
which .we lately, representing the haunts of the Vices under |the names of 
temples of the heathen gods, denounced as still worse than those sinks of in- 
famy the houses of Protestant worship now at length also suffered to exist at 
Home. most impious excess of toleration ! And now behold a new monster 
a nasty, dirty, abominable conventicle, profanely styled a Baptist chapel, 
erected Lnear the tombs of the Apostles I Lo, also, a 'gang of those so-called 
Baptists, a sect of Protestants almost as pestilent as even the Anglican 
Ritualists themselves, arrived in Rome to abet the'opening of that den of heresy ! 
Yes, We witness this Holy See invaded by no fewer than sixty-one of these 
rebels, these wretches, these reprobates, these abandoned miscreants! You 
have heard, Venerable Brothers, some visitors of 'profane theatres lament 
grievously the weariness and, so to say, bore they endured at a certain spec- 
tacular and musical performance, by name, in .the language of the Gauls, 



Le Prophets, 'through the singing of some three in- 
sufferable Anabaptists. By how much more will our ears 
be offended by the sacrilegious psalmody of as many as 
sixty-one ministers of that vile denomination, together 
with all .their inharmonious .followers, under Our very 
nose! 

What next, Venerable Bretliren? We expect now in 
a very short time to see a lot of mean and unsightly 
buildings, as much eyesores as scandals, arise on every 
side in all quarters of the City, the centre of this Holy 
See, having sacrilegiously inscribed over their ugly 
portals the names of Ebenezer and Little Bethel. We 
may not at all wonder if even now at the head of that 
newly arrived band of those most unbridled Baptists, 
there is that most shameless merry-andruw, their notori- 
ous leader, SPUKGEON, about to proclaim from the pulpit 
the doctrines of heretical depravity. 

Baptists, they call themselves, Venerable Brethren, 
do they? those snakes, vipers, serpents, alligators, 
crocodiles, toads and frogs, those spiders, those scor- 
pions, those unspeakable reptiles, insects and vermin 
Baptists, indeed! Ah, if only the Holy Office, exempt 
from persecution, could now freely exercise its rightful 
powers, would it not soon baptise them ? 



" CITY TERMS " AND MILITARY MANNERS. 

(See Discussion in the House on the Regimental 

Exchanges Sill.) 

" THE Guards," their ardent champion affirms, 
Are sweetly ignorant of " City terms." 
They doubtless deem "Commercial" nomenclature 
Beneath the notice of a noble nature : 
And proudly scorn to entertain a notion 
Of honour, taken merely a la GOUCHEN. 
D' ye think that COLONEL BOUNCE and MAJOR BLUSTER 
Beneath the flag of Mammon e'er will muster ? 
Pooh ! pooh ! it really is quite too funny 
To talk to military swells of Money ! 
" Purchase ! " The word is destitute of meaning 
To militaires they would not stoop to gleaning 
In Trade's Tom Tiddler's ground, or scarcely worse- 
Barter prestige for cash, or make a purse. 
Where is the gallant Guardsman who could tell 
The esoteric civic sense of " Sell" ? 
Or where the beau sabreur could bear the onus 
Of being called on to define a " bonus " ? 
" Charges " they understand, but only those 
Made in the field against their country's foes ;_ 
And comrades who should prate of loss or profit, 
They 'd doubtless send to Coventry or Tophet. 
How sweet and solacing it is to find 
The glorious modern military mind 
As wholly free from mercenary taint 
As that of any peaceful, purseless Saint ! 
How very nice to know there 's yet a place 
Where Honour still can show a stainless face : 
A sanctuary safe from lucre's worms, 
Who chance to know the use of " City terms " 
Souls that but sigh for Glory's bright awards, 
And probity enlisted in the Guards 1 

'Tis said, indeed, keen scrutiny might find 
That e'en the artless military mind 
Over just one " Commercial " subject ranges 
The theory (and practice) of exchanges 
Nor shows reluctance (how extremely odd it is !) 
To hold Commissions vendible commodities ; 
Nay, some one hints but this must be a story 
Would make a sale of Household martial glory, 
In Fame's inheritance hard cash invest, 
And put proud Honour out at interest. 
But let us shun these sordid, iou-e-suggestions, 
For on such purely military questions 
The mere commercial mind is no authority, 
Leave them to MB. HABDT'S mute majority ; 
Or, if the cads u-ill wriggle, crush the worms, 
With supercilious sneers at " City terms " ! 



'KM. 



OITLT A LETTER BETWEEN 

MENDIRI is a principal General on the Carlist side. 
" Mentiri" seems to be a general principle on both 
sides. 



133 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MARCH 27, 1875. 




NOT SO FAST AS IT LOOKS. 

Cousin Charley. " I SAT, GIRLS, THIS is GOING RATHER FAST, ISN'T IT?" 

Miss Lily. " 0, DEAD, NO! IT TOOK us A GOOD HOUE TO DO THE TEN MILES!" 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

At the Court, Princess's, and a Seance. 

SIB, 

IP ever there were an illustration of " The Hare and many 
Friends," it was afforded by the spectacle which presented itself at 
the opening of the Court Theatre, ten days ago, on the first night 
of the new management, which was also the premiere of a comedy, 
and the dtbut of an actor in the character of an author. To 
MR. HARE, as, indeed, to any self-respecting manager sincerely 
intending to do his utmost in the cause of true dramatic Art, and 
settling himself in the good opinion of the public on the basis of 
thorough respectability, thorough judgment in the choice of his 
pieces, and thorough taste and care in their presentation, I, for 
myself personally, and for those whom I represent, do cordially 
wish all the success that such an undertaking undoubtedly 
deserves. And so say all of us. 

Lady Flora is MR. HAKE'S first essay in management, and 
MR. COGHLAN'S first piece, and it is next to impossible to pronounce 
a fair critical opinion of any play, much more one under conditions at 
once so favourable and unfavourable to success, on its first night. 

As a matter of course it was well received, as, probably, would 
have been a piece of not half its merit on this special occasion. 
We may say at once that it earned its success by the good taste and 
finish of most of the acting, and the effectiveness, point, and humour 
of much of the writing. It is palpably deficient in back-bone. The 
two most decided successes in the cast in some measure, because 
the one actor was an entire, the other a comparative, stranger to 
the audience were ME. H. KEMBLE, as Binns, an old Butler, 
who doesn't appear, and more's the pity, after the First Act, 
and of MR. C. KELLY, as a bluff, untaught, bullet-headed, and 
right-hearted fox-hunting Lord. At some future time it may be 
of service, in the interests of dramatic Art, to consider Lady Flora 
critically ; at present, I can only quote MR. JEFFERSON'S Rip Van 
Winkle, and say, " Success to you, an" your children, an' may you 
live long an' brosber ! " 

Bound the World in Eighty Days, at the Princess's, is an adap- 



tation, by somebody, of Le Tour du Monde en Quatre-vingt Jours, 
one of the latest and greatest Parisian successes that is, as a spec- 
tacle. Those who know JULES VERNE'S most ingenious and exciting 
romance, from which this play, with the Author's collaboration, has 
been adapted, will be as disappointed as a warm admirer of 
DICKENS, who, having been delighted with Mr. Micawber in the 
novel, should expect to be doubly gratified by his appearance in the 
flesh on the stage. The scenery, by French artists, is effective, the 
dresses brilliant. I suppose the piece would have been placed on 
the stage of Drnry Lane, but for the forthcoming Opera. The cost 
of production must have been considerable, and had the adaptation 
been really good, the success of the piece in London would have 
far exceeded the original outlay and nightly expenses.^ Even as it 
is. with all the drawback of excessive length and a nrst night ot 
"hitches," it may work into a satisfactory result. 

MR. HENRY SINCLAIR and Miss HELEN BARRY (who have, both 
of them, a rough time of it) are "starred" in the bill; that is, 
they have their names in letters half again the size and thickness 
of anybody else's. The reason of this is not apparent, as Miss 
CARLISLE, whom I have seen as an earnest and artistic Portia al 
Manchester, and as an intelligent and pleasing Juliet at the Crystal 
Palace, figures only in small type. But, for tne matter of that, the 
Elephant, the real live Elephant, is not even mentioned in the pro- 
gramme. The Steam-Engine is capitally played by MR. A. SAC ; 
no Machinists could be better than MESSRS. NEZEL and WARTON 
(perhaps some fastidious people may prefer MR. WARTON to 
MR. NEZEL, but that 's a matter of taste) ; and you will, I am sure, 
be glad to hear that MR. COOPER is the Gas Engineer. 

There are four pictures of Miss HELEN BARRY in the programme, 
in as many costumes, and one of Miss CARLISLE. 

Either MR. COOK, or MR. GAZE, ought to have speculated in Round 
the World in Eighty Days as a first-rate advertisement ; but they 
have missed their chance. I hear, by the way, that the enterprising 
MR. COOK did take all his excursionists to witness the piece at the 
Porte St. Martin, and that the whole party rose as one man, when 
our National Anthem was played, and cheered lustily. Eather start- 
ling this for a Parisian auoience. 



MARCH 27, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



139 



LINLEY. SAMBOOIUSE .DEL. 




A THING PUNCH WANTS TO KNOW. 

WHY YOUNG LADIES AT, AND YOITNO WIVES, FOB THE MATTER OF THAT WILL ENCUMBER THEMSELVES WITH GABKXCTS THAT 
ARE A GRIEVANCE TO THOSE THAT WEAR, AND STILL MOKE TO THOSE THAT PAY FOR THEM, WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THE MODEST 
COSTUME IN OUR SKETCH WOULD COST THEM ONE-HALF THE TROUBLE, AND THEIR FATHERS OR HUSBANDS ONE-HALT THE MONEY ? 



One word before closing my account, only one -word, about MESSRS. 
MASKELYNE AND COOKB. Psycho is a mystery still impenetrable. 
Twice have I seen him. But let all who feel any interest whatever 
in " Spiritualism " make a point of going to MESSES. M. AND C.'s 
Dark and Light Seance at the Egyptian Hall. It will repay them, 
I should say, far more than going to hear the Converted Ethiopian 
Serenader and his Companion at Exeter Hall, even though a real 
live Lord should be there to give his blessing from the platform. 
Let MR. SERJEANT Cox, the learned Psychic-foreeist, assist at this 
session I mean stance and tell us if it is any longer worth his 
while to waste his valuable time in interviewing Mediums. Tam- 
bourines, guitars, hands, anything, everything, fty about ; MR. COOKE 
is stitched up, bound up, tied up, screwed up, screwed down, and 
suffers all sorts of indignities like a lamb, and yet he is able to ring 
bells, chuck a tambourine over a curtain, play a guitar, play a mouth- 
organ, drink a glass of water, and, in fact, do all that the best 
spiritualistic Media profess to have done for them by spirits. 

These ingenious Professors do deserve a good word from every- 
one who is anxious to expose a gross imposture and dissipate most 
dangerous delusions. They, at least, perform what they profess, and 
profess no more than they perform. Having worked myself up to 
this pitch, I shall now let myself down gently, and, perching on 
the paper, with my still fluttering goose-quill, I sign myself now 
as ever 

YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. 

P.S. Of our most interesting visit paid to DR. LYNN by myself 
and a few other scientific gentlemen, more in my next. 



Notice of Kotion. 
(In anticipation of the Notice-Paper of April lit.) 

MR. J. MARTIN to move a vote of censure on the English Govern- 
ment as being at the bottom of the growth and spread of the Colo- 
rado beetle. 



AN EXPLANATION. 

MR. PUNCH is always ready to express regret when he has_given 
pain, inadvertently, or unintentionally. In some lines of his last 
week's number on MESSRS. MOODY AND SANKEY'S services he meant 
to criticise only some points of manner which seemed to him fairly 
open to criticism, not to throw any doubt on the motives or the sin- 
cerity of MESSRS. MOODY AND SANKEY. It seems to him that even 
in the most earnest religious appeals good and bad taste may be 
shown, and that no offence ought to be taken when what Mr. Punch 
thinks bad taste in the style and manner of such appeals is pointed 
out. He respects, he trusts, as deeply as any of those who have 
objected to the lines in question, all true religion, all earnest efforts 
to make men better, alike in the highest or humblest forms that 
the expression of such beliefs, and such efforts, can assume. 



Seeping His Word. 

DR. PIERS CLAUOHTON, ex- Bishop of Colombo, has been appointed 
Chaplain-General of the Army. Those who hoped that the vacancy 
would have been filled by ARCHDEACON WRIGHT, the Senior 
Military Chaplain, who has served with the Army in all climates 
for twenty-eight years, when urging his claims on the appointing 
authorities, were assured by the voice potential that his award would 
be " Fiatjustitia " " Let right be done P " WEIGHT has been done. 
Who can deny it ? 

Bohn's Catalogue in Black and White. 

HARK, from Pall Mall, the Christie-Minstrel groans 

" What CHRISTIE'S self knock down these lots of Bomr's ! " 



MAKING COMMON CAUSE. 

WHAT the County of Durham Ritualist Clergy and MR. FLOWER 
alike want to put down The B(e)aring Rei(g)n ! 



HO 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MABCH 27, 1875. 




HOW THE LUGGAGE IS LOST. 

Lady's-Maid. " THOMAS, WHY DON'T YOU SEE THE BOXES POT IN THE VAN ? THBY MAY BE LOST ! " 
Thomas. " I "M NOT GOINO TO TROUBLE MYSELF WITH ALL THAT THERE LUGGAGE. IT 's THE PORTER'S BUSINESS. 



HE 's PAID FOE IT ! ' 



THE WOICE OF THE KENSINGTON WESTRYMAN. 

WHO cares about the Nqospapers ? Not me, I must confess. 

One Wolunteer like me is worth a score of that there Press. 

We are independent Britons. We sits at home in ease, 

Smokes our pipes, and reads our Englishman, and does just as we 



The people down at Kensington 's complainin' of their dust, 
Whereat we Independents laughs, until we 're like to bust. 
Let 'em write indignant letters ; let 'em peg up their big D's 
What 's the use of bein' a Westry but to do just as you please ? 

Western Bohemia too, we hears, is full o' quips and quirks, 
Wantin' to turn a Board of Words into a Board of Works. 
And who's to put the screw on us ? Perlicemen, if you please. 
Perlicemen fraternise with us, and does just as they please. 

We are independent paviors. It may lead to broken bones ; 
But on foot-ways we digs pitfalls, and in roads piles pavin'-stones. 
They may tumble, if they like, and break their sanguinary knees 
What 's the odds to us, perwided that we do just as we please ? 

There 's a chap in West Bohemia do wax uncommon wrath, 
As has caught a young octopus a-swimmin' in his bath. 
He wants his cistern covered. Of course he never sees 
The claims of young octopuses to swim just where they please. 

We're for the Rights of Subjects octopuses or men : 

If it interferes with " Order " or with " Proputty," what then ? 

Our motto's "Strike," not "Hear" a creed we learnt at BRAD- 

LAUGH'S knees. 
We are all High-conoclasteses, and do just as we please. 

Then hooray for the West End Commoon, which such liberty affords 
As soots Litter-ary Dustmen, Westry Clerks, and District Boards ! 
If it wasn't for the " static " force in such consarns as these, 
We should all be made "dynamic," and not do just as we please. 



HOME-RULE AT LARGE. 

HOME-RULERS shall not be called disreputable, any of them. It 
is more than a breach of privilege to defame some of them so it is 
a gross misnomer. Witness the Pall Mall Gazette, thus : 

"The Home-Kulers of the House of Commons held a meeting on Monday 
at their rooms in King Street, Westminster, when it was agreed to offer a 
strenuous opposition to all the future stages of the Peace Preservation (Ire- 
laud) Bill." 

No peace for the Irish or British either! No preservation of 
Peace for Ireland, and of the Empire's integrity too ! Resolution 
distinctly characteristic, and decidedly reputable. sweet Home- 
Rule! 

On the abovementioned occasion the Home-Rulers organised 
themselves into a "Party," with a "Leader" and a couple of 
" Whips." As, though highly reputable, the Party is not numerous, 
would not one whip suffice them if it were well wielded ? 



Cardinal Points to be Observed on my Return to England. 
(From the Note-book o/C-RD-N-L M-NN-NG.) 

NOT to wear my red hat in wet weather. 
Nor when Pius P. sends over a new Bull. 
To give up wearing paper collars. 

To send back to WIIALLEY the cotton umbrella I borrowed from 
him. 

To invite MESSRS. MOODY AND SANKEY to supper. 
To write to MR. SPURGEON as to precedence. 
To ask MADAME TCSSAUD not to put me next to KENEALY. 



SOXG FOR THE SOUTH WALES STRIKERS. 

" COME let 's set the Kettle on." Would they could, poor 
fellows, either RUPERT KETTLE, for arbitration, or the tea-kettle, 
for comfort ! 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road, Holloway, In the Parish of St. Mary, Islington, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Aenew, & Co., Lombturd 
btreet, in the Precinct of Whitefiiars,in the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Lyndon. SATURDAY,. March 27, 1876. 



APBIL 3, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAUlVAKf. 



141 







BEARING-REIN. 

" Fair fur the Horse, fair for the Man." 

SWBKT LITTLK D8VICB TO KKEP COACHMAN KTIIAICIHT ON THK BoX. 



TO E. F. FLOWER. 

(On kit excellent Pamphlet, entitled " Bilt and Bearing-Reins.") 
nr AN OLD ii oss. 

THANKS, kindly FLOWER, for sharing, 

liy sympathy, our pain: 
You show why there's no bearing 

Our plague, the bearing-rein. 

May he who first invented. 

Or who still uses " gags " 
(In your pamphlet as presented), 

Know a torture like his nags', 

When gag-bit chafes and saws in 

Fools' hands, to drive unfit, 
May they ne'er have, their jaws in, 

A comfortable bit ! 



Would It Were ! 
DEAE MB. Puxcir, March 23rd, 1875. 

MY admirer, young THINSKIN (who has been in such a bad 
temper erer since the East wind set in), says that he " hopes nothing 
will stand in the way of the Volunteer Review on Easter Monday, 
as it will afford the greatest satisfaction to everybody to see the 
usual March past ! " 
Do you consider this a word in season '( Yours ever, 

SNOWDROP. 

An Apt Anniversary. 

A DISCUSSION respecting the proposed Hospital for Small-pox and 
other contagious fevers at Hampstead, at the last meeting of the 
Asylums Board, terminated in a resolution "that the Board should 
visit the site on the 1st of April next." If they go to inspect that 
spot with a view to build a pesthouse on it, could they possibly take 
that step on a day more appropriate than the Feast of All Fools ? 



SITE FOE A RAOOKD SCHOOL. TATTERSALL'S. 



GIX! 

(A Ballad fur liritixh Workmen.) 

TWAS a British Working-man of the sort 
That demagogues flatter and publicans court. 
His nose was red, eyes watery and dull, 
Till his pocket was empty his glass was full : 
As with husky throat, through the tap-room's din, 
He thus sung the praises of British Gin. 

" As Briton and Working-man, my boast 
Is to come of the race that should rule the roast ; 
And the seal of a Briton's rights and km, 
Is the sign of the tap where he takes his gin. 
Hang the rot-gut tipple of German and French, 
That won't make a man drunk though his skin he drench ! 
But give me my gin, and I '11 soak my brain 
While a brown I nave left to pay for a drain. 

Gin! Gin! 

Fill up my skin, 
With the liquor of liquors, Blue-ruinous Gin ! 

" They may call me a sot, but I care not a jot, 
While happiness out of the quartern is got ; 
They may prate of the pleasures and honours of work ! 
'Tis a slavery every good fellow should shirk. 
Or if one twist drudge for some twelve hours a day, 
Since e'en good brother Bung will not ' part ' without pay 
Let us haste to end labour, and pleasure begin, 
In the warming embrace of toil's antidote Gin ! 

Gin! Gin! 

Work is wages of sin, 
And its only sure solace is strong British Gin ! 

" Sobriety ? Fudge ! he 's a white-livered fellow, 
Who hasn't the pluck to get muzzy or mellow. 
A cove go home drainless to kids and their cries, 
Or spare his old woman a brace of black eyes '( 
Sheer slavery ! Lose all the sweetness of life, 
For a Sunday-best coat or a treat with one's wife ? 
Not for JOE ! Him as makes should, by rights, spend the tin, 
Let home go to blazes so I gets my gin ! 

Gin! Gin! 

Where 's the home worth a pin 
To a jolly warm bar and a skinful of gin ! 

" Dignity ? Stuff ! 'tis the bugbear of fools ; 
Your right British Working-man scoffs at its rules. 
Hand to cap for a drink, a cove's day's work to shorten, 
What ' the pride of a man to the price of a guarte'n t 
If your breeches are thin, and your coat show the rub, 
There 's revivers for both at the very next pub'. 
Let the foreigner flout, and aristocrat grin, 
You may laugh them to scorn o'er a noggin of gin. 

Gin ! Gin ! 

For a hide that 'a too thin 
There 's no hard'ning mixture like strong British Gin ! 

' ' Try to cut off a free Briton's lush ! That 's all bosh : 
As well bid a hog say good-bye to its wash. 
'Tis the be-all of bliss, and the end-all of life, 
And better than dignity, health, home, and wife. 
Our Paradise here is the Publican's bar ; 
The brood doors of that heaven stand always ajar : 
So let s soak, till our souls are well steep'd in the draught, 
'Tis the badge of our creed, and the sign of our craft. 

Gin! Gin! 

What are rights yet to win, 
To the right to get mad-drunk on strong British Gin." 

The clock struck BRUCE and CROSS as the chorus died 

The last quartern was drained, the bar-door was flung wide ; 

With fumbling fingers, that vainly searched 

In a penniless pocket, the drunkard lurched 

From the toper's Eden, turned neck and crop out, 

And the British Working-man, free and stout, 

Reeled to his home home .'grimmest of quips 

That ever passed the foul fiend's lips 

A pale woman shrinks to the drunkard's side, 

Bruised blackened that British Working-man's bride ! 

That 's Home incarnate ! She '11 scarce begin, 

An lo-Ptean to British Gin. 

What 's the husband's greeting ? Kick, cnrse, and blow ! 

Till, bruiser and bruised, down, a-heap, they go ! 

Now British Working-man, one more flagon 

To Moloch the mighty, not Bel, but the Dragon 

And drink round his shrine, and roar your chorus, 

In Blue-Ruin's praise, with its work before us ! 



VOT.. T.YTTtr. 



142 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 3, 1875. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

ASTER is come ; and the 
Houses skedaddle, 

And leave Paschal 
eggs a lot most of 
them addle ! 

Good - bye, boys 
Punch wishes you 
all happy holidays. 

Country air, country 
pleasures, long 
nights' rests, and 
jolly days! 

But before they 
broke up : 

In the Lords (Fri- 
day, March 19th), 
LORD KIMBERLEY felt 
exercised to know 
why the Agricultural 
Children's Education 
Act should fix eleven 
for little GILES, while 
the Towns' Elemen- 
tary Education Act 
fixes thirteen for 
young GUTTERBLOOD 
of the back-slums, as 
the end of compulsory 
school-days. 

THE DUKE'OF RICHMOND admitted, but did not explain it. He would 
not promise 'legislation, but would " watch the working of the Act." 
Punch sees a pretty picture : subject, The Duke watching the Working 
of the Agricultural Children's Act. MB. MILLAIS is welcome to it, with 
the line for the Catalogue 

" Abroad in the meadows to watch the young cram." 

Then their Lordships did the honours of First Reading to the Regimental 
Exchanges Bill, and adjourned, much exhausted, for the Easter recess, 
after a laborious night s work, ending at the late hour of twenty-five 
minutes to six ! 

In the Commons, miscellaneous Friday fire of question and answer, after 
the Head-master had promised that, if the school would be good boys, 
and get through their Peace-Preservation Bill on Tuesday, the Easter Holidays 
should run from that night till the following Monday week ! SIB C. DILKE showed 
tip the weak parts in the Ballot Act machinery, which, in spite of the pains of SIB 
H. JAMES ana MR. FOBSTEB, seems very shaky indeed. SIB CHABLES followed suit of 
the Session by asking for a Select Committee, which the ATTORNEY-GENERAL pro- 
mised him for next Session. The fact is that, for this Session, there are neither members, rooms, nor clerks available for more Select 
Committees. 

MB. P. A. TAYLOR moved for a free pardon of LUKE HILLS, a labourer, fined 5 and 3 18s. costs, or three months' imprisonment, 
for leaving a service which an employer swore was a hiring for a year, though HILLS and his wife denied it, and there was no 
written engagement. SIB H. JAMES pointed out that that alone invalidated the contract, on complainant's own showing ; it was one to 
commence at a future day, which by law requires writing. MB. CROSS fully admitted the hardship of the ease, but explained that 
the Crown could not pardon, as the man was committed for non-payment of damages. MB. P. TAYLOB deserves all credit for 
bringing forward a really cruel act of magisterial oppression and an example of a statute put to ill-use. A few Members, to mark their 
strong sense of this, have since subscribed to pay off the damages and costs for which LTTKK HILLS was sent to gaol, and the case has, 
we have little doubt, driven the last nail in the coffin of the Masters and Servants Act of 1867, under which the alternative of fine or 
imprisonment was open to the Bench. 

Then the House was treated to another grievance, perhaps not quite so substantial as that of LUXE HILLS, though we don't feel 
quite sure as to that. SIR W. FRASER, in pathetic terms, complained of the cruel snub inflicted upon him by MR. CROSS, 
when, the other night, he, a "humble and constant supporter of the Government," having innocently asked whether it was right 
that remanded prisoners should be made to scrub their own cells, MR. CROSS jumped up in a tiff, and protested that that was not_the 
sort of a question to put to a HOME SECRETARY, and by look, manner, and matter, let loose a douche of derisive cheers from his minions 
behind him on the head of the harmless and respectful questioner. 

MB. DISRAELI hastened to apply one of his soft-sawder plasters to SIB W. FRASEB'S raw. But SIB. W. has reason to feel sore. 
His question was quite a proper one. It is very hard that prisoners on remand, or waiting for bail, should be put on a level with con- 
victed offenders, as to certain menial offices and personal indignities of the .prison-house ; and the HOME SECBETABY might be much 
worse employed than in getting the regulations overhauled, at least in the prisons under his authority. 

Then the House went into Committee on the Artisans' Dwellings Bill, attacking, in business-like fashion, the ten pages of Ameiid- 
ments on the paper. MB. Capss was unusually stiff in the back, holding his own with rare tenacity. MR. FAWCETT was evidently out 
of temper with the Bill, which he says has been turned into a paternally patronising one for 'providing dwellings for the Work- 
ing Classes" which vexes me "as MB. PEPYS would have said. " What are ' Working Classes ? * " asks MR. FAWCETT. " Does the 
term include Curates and Clerks on small salaries ? " Altogether, the excellent and strenuous Member for Hackney was, what the 
"Working Classes " would call "nasty," and what Mammas and Nurses call "fractious," throughout the Committee, and finally 
blocked the Bill at half -past twelve. 

Monday. Among the notices was one for which MB. PLIMSOLL deserves the thanks of those who go down to, and sometimes in, 
the sea in ships, for calling the Board of Trade's attention to the advisability of keeping a night Assistant-Secretary on the premises, 
with authority to answer nocturnal telegrams from Surveyors at the outports. On an immediate answer to these may often depend 
the detention of an unseaworthy ship, the lives of its crew, and safety of its cargo. SIR CHARLES ADDEBLEY, under office-prompting 
of course, tried half to shirk, half to pooh-pooh the suggestion, but it is one that should be attended to. The Admiralty have a night- 
bell and keep a night- Secretary for emergencies of nocturnal work on their premises, and why should not the Board of Trade ? 

On the Second Reading of the Peace Preservation Bill, LOBD R. MONTAGU supported a futile motion by a futile speech, after which 




A rim, 3, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



143 




DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. 

Maud (n-lth much sympathy in her voice). "OsLV FANCY, MAMMA, UNCLB JACK TOOK us TO A Picrtrm GALLERY IN BOND STRIT, 

AND THERE WE SAW A PlCTDRB OF A LOT OP EARLT CHRISTIAN!), POOR DIARS, WHO *D BEEN THROWN TO A LOT OF L.ION8 AND TlOERS, 



WHO WERK OBVOURINO THB.M 



Ethel (wi'h still more sympathy). "Yes, AND MAMMA DEAR, THBRE WAS OXE PJOR TIOIR THAT HADN'T QOT A CHRISTIAN I" 



there was the inevitable surrender of a night to the Irish Home- 
Rule Members. 

If JOHN BULL could be talked out of his seven senses, and aggra- 
vated out of his common sense, to boot, the Home-Rule .Members are 
the boys to do it. But. happily for Ireland, he is not so to be hum- 
bugged or irritated. Thanks to his ballast of stolid Saxon solidity, 
Ireland is still to be kept from doing herself a mischief, to the great 
comfort of peaceful and sensible Irishmen, and of none more than 
not a few ot the Home-Rule " boys" themselves. 

ME. SULLIVAN deserves credit for his cleverness in Parliamentary 
tu quoque. Thus he meets the Irish Peace Preservation Bill by 
suggestion of a similar measure for England, implying that England 
is just as bad as Ireland in lawless disregard of life, yet Govern- 
ment, he says, don't disarm or strait-waistcoat Kagland. 

This sort of thing may be called " smart," but it is idle, and MR. 
SULLIVAN should really be able to find better employment for his 
own cleverness, and the time of the House. 

Of conspicuous English Members, MB. ROEBUCK was in excellent 
sense ; MB. WHALLEY in most admirable fooling. On the Irish side, 
the speeches of MR. CONOLLY and MR. COBBY, THE O'CoNNoa DON, 
and MR. O'llKiLi.r, stood out like oases in the desert of declamatory 
rhodomontade from the Home- Rule spouters. to whose froth and 
fustian SIB M. H. BEACH opposed a barrier of imperturbable good 
humour, and unanswerable good sense. 

Tuesday, The Irish debate continued. Ma. GIBSON (Dublin 
University), MR. LESLIE, and the Irish SOLICITOR-GENERAL, must 
be added to the list of sensible speakers on behalf of Ireland ; Ma. 
SULLIVAN and MR. BUTT to the worst class of sophistical rhetoricians 
who misrepresent her. Of that worst class they are the worst 
examples, because the most deliberate substitutes of the worse for 
the better reason, and the most clearly conscious of their own 
sophistries. 

MR. DISRAELI wound up the debate by a speech in the best spirit, 
truly describing the Bill as a," measure of necessity, framed in a 
spirit of conciliation," which he and his Government and England 



alike as sincerely regretted as they firmly believed it to be neces- 
sary, and then the Bill for keeping Ireland from doing herself a 
mischief, passed Second Reading by 69 to 264. The debate will 
not be useless, if it teaches Ireland that there can be no mistake 
about English determination that Ireland must be made to obey the 
law, and that life must be protected against the Lynch-law of 
Riband conspiracy, and the dyke-shot of the assassin. 



Increase of the Episcopate. 

WANTED, a few active Young Men, between thirty and forty 
years of age, to take orders and travel for a well-known and highly 
respectable Establishment. They mut be prepared for the longest journeys 
at the shortest notice, and be capable of undergoing considerable bodily 
fatigue. Physique more an object than mental capacity. Candidates who 
have been trained in University crews, and for athletic sports, who have also 
no incumbrances beyond a portmanteau, will be preferred. Address, prepaid, 
in the first instance, MATER ECCLESIA, care of Loan LYTTLITON, 
St. Stephen's, Westminster. 



Love's Sadness. 
(By a Sentimental Ornitholoyiit.) 

NAY, ask not wherefore I am sad : 
The heart that loves is never glad : 
True passion is with sorrow fraught 
The love-bird has no merry-thought ! 

Quite true, in ornithology as in sentiment. The Love -Bird (PMtacula) 
has nofurcula, or " merry-thought" bone. 



NEW NOVEL. Hansom Is at Hansom Djei. By Mas. GIACOMBTTI 

PaODQEBS. 



144 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 3, 1875. 






SABBATARIANISM SUPERSEDED. 

VER deeply grateful 
shop-keeping London 
ought to be to the 
"Sunday Rest Asso- 
ciation, by whose 
exertions between one 
and two thousand 
shops are now closed 
which were formerly 
open on Sunday, in va- 
rious parts of London. 
So said the REV. AL- 
FRED JONES, clerical 
secretary of the Asso- 
ciation, in a statement 
read the other day at 
its jubilee meeting in 
the Civic Egyptian 
Hall. This consider- 
able promotion of Sun- 
day Rest is, however, 
a triumph which will 
perhaps afford but 
measured gratification 
to the grimmer and 
bitterer order of Sab- 
batarians. The clos- 
ing of shops which 
the Sunday Rest As- 
sociation seeks to effect 
in the Metropolis on 
Sundays is voluntary. 
SIR THOMAS CHAM- 
BEES, M.P., in moving a resolution at the meeting above-mentioned, " expressed 
the pleasure with which he had heard that the Society was recognising the 
principle of persuasion instead of coercion, as a higher and better principle in 
carrying on the benevolent work they had taken in hand." Tour bitter Sab- 




batarians would probably much rather hear, that the 
Sunday Rest Association had got so many shops closed 
on the Sabbath by pulling up so many Sabbath-breakers 
before a Magistrate, and getting the shop-keepers fined 
under the Act of Parliament for that purpose made and 
provided in the twenty-ninth year of our Most Reli- 
gious and Gracious King, CHARLES THE SECOND. What 
next ? Once acknowledge the principle that moral 
suasion should supersede coercion, in respect of the 
observance of Sunday, and there will be every reason for 
fanatics to fear, and for sober persons to hope, that the 
same principle may be brought to bear for the purpose 
of weaning the people from gin and beer. Then what 
will become of the agitation for the Permissive Prohibi- 
tory Bill, and the enthusiastic excitement which attends 
the meetings of the United Kingdom Alliance? And 
what will SIR WILFRID LAWSON do without his hobby ? 
Get a real good horse instead, perhaps, and ride it to 
some useful end, and with no further waste of wit, 
humour, and valuable time, on Wednesdays in the 
House of Commons. 



Lines Written at the " Cock," Fleet Street. 
(Dedicated to the Laureate and LOVELACE.) 

CHAMPAGNE will not a dinner make, 

Nor Caviare a meal : 
Men, gluttonous and rich, may take 

Those till they make them ill. 
If I 've potatoes to my chop, 

And after chop have cheese, 
Angels in POND AND SPIEBS'S shop 

Know no such luxuries ! 



BLUE RUIN. Betting on the Boat-race with a party 
of Ladies, who will have fifteen to four on Oxford in six- 
and-a-halfs (first quality, French). 



A BED STUDY. 

Too bitter for blessing, too happy for banning, 
See where, Red Hat on knee, muses CARDINAL MANNING. 
For coolness of head 'tis high climbing that tries man : 
Query, in his new Hat, will this new man prove wise man ? 

What 's his thought ? Has Rome reached the long-sought 

opportunity- 
To re-knit a long-lost Apostolic community ? 
Will a mightier than BREAKSPBRE * yet put lance in rest, 
To make Anglican Church and Dissent vail their crest ? 

Will his hand and his crook be the ones to lead home 
St. Augustine's stray sheep to the safe fold of Rome ? 
Will he break JOHN BULL in to brook Red Hats, nor roar, 
When Bulls of Rome venture to land on his shore ? 

Is that a tiara before him he sees 
Solid-seeming as that Scarlet Hat on his knees ? 
Was he musing or dozing, that, when he awoke, 
It took shape in the fire : will it vanish in smoke ? 

' ' Non Angli sed angeli'fofea' wood are we : 
What a BREAKSPERE hath been, why should MANNING not be ? 
If a Cardinal could on such theme pun be planning, 
Peter's barque never, sure, had more sore need of MANNING. 

" POPE ADRIAN an interdict put upon Rome. 
Why couldn't I do as much here, nearer home ? 
He fought EMPEROB FREDERIC, and Sicily's King- 
Why BISMABCK and DOLLTNGER should not I fling ? 

" He brought ARNOLD of BHESCIA down to the dirt 
GARIBALDI, in Monk's frock, instead of red shirt ; 
With Church-terrors he made Rome's democracy shake, 
That they cheered, as he bid, round their chief at the stake. 

"St. Peter's cathedra he shifted at will, 
To Orvieto's scarped rock, and Anagni's bare hill 
Why should / not convey that infallible chair 
Out of Roman malaria to Malta's fine air ? 

i-,7 N j. HOLAS BREAKSPERE, the one English Pope, elected 1154, trader the 
title of ADRIAN THE FOURTH. 



" The Guardia nobile's blue-mouldy blood, 

Why should not I dash with the old port-wine flood 

Of our HOWARDS and PETRES and convertites true, 

Of our RIPONS and BUTES whose blood blends gold with blue. 

" Yes, there 's much to be said for an Anglican Pope, 
And I 'm ready to face those who cry, ' Give him rope ! ' 
"Tis not vulgar ambition that out of the fire 
Builds up that tiara that keeps rising higher. 

" What if a mild poke at the coals I essayed ? 

To try ' omen or phantom ' here goes marred or made ! " 

So saying, the poker the Cardinal thrust 

'Twixt the bars the smoke swelled sank the vision had bust ! 



HINTS FOR HERALDS. 

IN a letter to the Times on difficulties of precedence likely to 
grow out of ;thenew Cardinal's Red Hat "An English Protestant " 
points out that " ' His Grace ' is an English and Protestant title ex- 
clusively given by modern usage to Dukes and Archbishops." 
What have the archiepiscopal and ducal dignities in common 
specifically graceful ? The idea of Grace is peculiarly connected 
with the Fine Arts. Would not " His Grace " be a fitter title for 
the President of the Royal Academy ? Or Grace being taken to 
mean Elegance, might not some consummate teacher of dancing 
and deportment be aptly styled His Grace the Ballet-Master ? The 
"English Protestant" further mentions that in modern Papal 
Rescripts a Roman Catholic Archbishop is addressed as " Vestra 
Amplitudo " " Your Amplitude." Now Amplitude in the human 
form is commonly regarded as the reverse of Grace. In fact 
ANTINOUS and Amplitude are to us incongruous ideas. We associate 
the idea of Amplitude with HERR BREITMANN. The title of His 
Amplitude seems to English notions much less suitable to an 
Archbishop than to an Alderman, and particularly unsuitable to 
so very slender a Prelate as ARCHBISHOP MANNING. 



A Long Price. 

" PRESTIGE," so says HABDY, " can never bo sold ! " 

Very possibly : still, 'tis undoubtedly strange. 
That what men cannot part with for silver or gold, 



Is allowed to change hands by a Bill of Exci 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 3, 1875. 



GIVEN 

=SSEH>v SILVER LAC 



' OUTFITTE 
CLOTHES DEM 



LEFTOFFUNIFl 



JUGHT SOL 



XCHAK 




REGIMENTAL EXCHANGES. 

(A PRIVATE VIEW, AND A READY-MONEY TRANSACTION, WITH NO BILL.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 3, 1875. 




A RED STUDY. 

(WHAT CARDINAL M-NN-NG SAW IN THE FIRE.) 



APRIL 3, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



149 



NURSERY RHYMES NEW SET FOR THE TIMES. 




AFPT was a "welcher," 

TAFFY was a thief, 
Would not pay his los' 

bets, 

So I came to grief. 
When 1 spoke 
TAFFY'S tricks, 
And my unpleasam 

plight, 
Everybody turned on 

me, 

And said, " It served 
me right." 



n. 

THERE was an old woman, 
and, what do you think ? 

She dressed herself gaily in 

sky-blue and pink, 

With nice painted eyebrows, and lovely false curls, 
And affected the ways of the gayest young " gurls." 
This dreadful old woman's sole object in life 
Was to find some young swell who would make her his wife ; 
And, as she had gold her old ruins to gild. 
This old woman's seeming wild hope was fulfilled. 

m. 

ROBIN and RICHARD were two knowing men, 

Who financed, rigged, and ciphered enough for ten. 

They went to the City, and every day 

They financed, and they rigged, and they ciphered away. 

Those who ciphered, financed, and rigged, too, but less well, 

With envy of ROBIN and RICHARD would swell. 

They boiled over at last, when it chanced, one fine night, 

Half a million with ROBIN and RICHARD took flight. 



Buling the Roast. 

THE practice of cremation has been by some theorists supposed to have originated from 
nre-worship^ which is said to have been formulated and systematised by ZOROASTER. 

ake /.o, says ARHY. " away from Zoroaster, and the remainder is a good name for 
the Teacher of Fire- Worship." 

TRIP FOB " COOK'S EXCURSIONISTS." To Table Bay. 



THE COMING HAT. 

" TUB Cardinal' Hat is always kept upon a 
table, either in thi> Throne-room, or the ante-room 
of his apartment." Timei, from an Occasional 
Correspondent at Rome, 

THERE is much more than this to be told 
about the new Red Hat which is shortly ex- 
peoted to arrive in England. 

The Hat will never be placed in a cup- 
board, in a hat-box, or hung up in the hall, 
on a hat-peg, or a hat-stand, bat, as is 
said in the Times, it will always be kept 
either in the Throne-room or ante-room on a 
table (of Roman Mosaic) in a magnificent 
out glass case ornamented with precious 
stones, and bearing the Cardinal s coat- 
of-arms on the top. 

The Hat will never be left alone : a Re- 
tired Hatter will always be in attendance 
upon it. 

At dusk the Hat will be transferred to a 
patent fire-resisting safe, and a Watchman 
will be on duty all the night in the Hat- 
chamber. 

The Hat will have an establishment oi 
its own. There will be a Keeper of the Hat, 
assisted by a Conservator of the Tassels, a 
Secretary of the Hat, an Usher of the Hat, 
four Hat-bearers, one for each quarter oi 
the year, and a Beadle. There will also be 
a Hatter in Ordinary, to reside in London, 
and a Hatter Extraordinary, the manufac- 
turer of the Hat, who will visit Englanc 
from Rome once a year, to inspect the Hat, 
and report upon its appearance and con- 
dition, and make such suggestions as he 
may deem advisable for its proper preser- 
vation and custody. 

The Hat will be on view on certain days 
and at certain times, to be advertised in 
the Public Papers. To prevent overcrowd- 
ing, a charge will be made for admission. 
The proceedsj after payment of expenses 
and the salaries of the establishment, wil 
be handed over to the Home for Decayed 
and Indigent Hatters at Feltham. 

Whenever the Hat is borne in procession 
from the ante-room to the Throne-room, a 
red flag will be hoisted and a volley oi 
blank cartridge fired off in the back garden. 

On all the great festivals of the Church 
the Hat will be decorated with choice flowers. 

The glass case will be unlocked and the 
Hat carefully dusted every Saturday morn- 
ing by the Keeper of the Hat, or, in his 
absence, by the Conservator of the Tassels. 
A limited number of tickets will be issued 
to persons desirous to be present, at double 
the price charged on ordinary days. Any 
attempt on the part of visitors to touch the 
Hat will be followed by instant expulsion 
from the room by the Beadle. 

When the Hat lands, it will be received 
by a deputation of eminent ecclesiastics and 
distinguished laymen, who will bear the 
Hat- box in an open oarriage-and-four from 
the place of disembarkation to the railway 
station, and from the terminus in London 
to the Hat's destination. 

There will he a private view of the Hat, 
immediately on its arrival in London. 
Admission by invitation cards only. 

N.B. It may be a relief to some people 
x> know that, as the Hat must always be 
tept either in the Throne-room or ante- 
room, it can never be sent round. 



A PHOOF AFTER LETTERS. 

THE POPE'S failure to take in the People's 
WILLIAM is the clearest proof yet given of 
his In-f alli-Billy-ty. 



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APRIL 3, 1875.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



151 




(STREET)-ARAB BOY-HUNTING. 



ENTERTAINMENTS ON THE FIRST OF APRIL. 

A GRAND banquet will be givim to VISCOUNT CABDWELL at the 
head-quarters of the National Rifle Association, by the officers of the 
Brigade of Gunrds. The toast of the evening will be " Abolition to 
the Purchase Exchange System." MESSRS. GOSCHEN, GLADSTONE, 
and LOWE, and SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT, will also be invited to be 
present on this occasion. 

An amateur concert, in aid of the Royal Patriotic Fund, will be . 
given by the whole of the Members of Parliament belonging to the 
Home-Rule Party. The solo in " Rule Britannia" will be sung by 
MR. Burr. (JO. MR. O'SCTLLIVAN, in the course of the evening, j 
will introduce his well-known burlesque song, " The Little Trigger j 
Finger." LORD ROBERT MONTAGU will sing, for the first time, a j 
chansmiM? uoitffe, entitled " The Hume-Ruler: or, lam not myself 
at all at till." 

MR. WiiALLEYwill invite MESSES. NEWDEGATE and GLADSTONE to 
dinner, to meet CARDINAL MANNING on his return from the Vatican. 
In the course of the evening " Rome, Sweet Rome " (arranged as a 
glee) will be sung by the host and guests. 

The SPEAKER of the House of Commons will entertain DE. 
KENEALY at the Temple, to meet the Judges and the Benchers of 
Gray's Inn. The health of " The Irish Member for Stoke " will be 
proposed by the HON. EVELYN ASHLEY, in the absence of MR. 
DISRAELI. 

The Dean of Christ Church will give a garden-party to the 
Undergraduates of Oxford University, to meet the Members of the 
Hebdomadal Council. The entertainments will be of the same 
character as those usually given during the Commemoration Week. 

CAPTAIN BEDFORD PIM will invite MR. REED, C.B., late Chief 
Constructor of the Royal Navy, to be present at a lecture, entitled 

' Honduras alone ! " 

SIR WILFRID LAAVSON will take the Chair at a Licensed Victuallers' 
Dinner in the London Docks. The Honourable Baronet will be 
supported by MR. GK.OKOI; CUUIKSIIANK and deputations from the 
Good Templars' Association and the Infant Band of Hope. Coffee 
will be supplied at the conclusion of the speeches underneath the 
table. 

Lastly, Mr, Punch will invite the chief Members of his Staff to a 



banquet at 85, Fleet Street. Amongst those present will be SIB 
WILFBID LAWSON, MAJOR O'GoRMAN, DOCTOE CUMMISG, PBOFESSOB 
DARWIN, ADMIRAL Rous, and ME. TOBY (private secretary). 



A CONSERVATIVE CAVEAT. 

THE Government proposes to replace the Adulteration Act of 1872 
with a Sale of Food and Drugs Bill, which seems calculated not to 
bear too hard upon adulteration. It disentitles the buyer of an 
adulterated article to redress, except on proof that the seller cheated 
him knowingly, and further provides that, " if the defendant in any 
action pan prove to the satisfaction of the Court that he sold the 
article in the same state as when he himself purchased it, and that 
he bought it as the same article in nature, substance, and quality as 
that demanded of him, and with a warranty in writing to that 
effect" irrespectively of the genuineness or good faith of the war- 
ranty " he shall be discharged from the prosecution." 

These improvements of the Adulteration Act may appear to savour 
just a little of retrograde legislation, but they merely propose a 
return to the ancient ways in re-affirming a legal maxim which a 
too stringent statute has partially reversed. The previous rule of 
Caveat emptor had been in a measure replaced by the Adulteration 
Apt with that of Caveat venditor. In the Sale of Food and Drugs 
BUI it is proposed to rehabilitate the good old principle of Caveat 
emptor, 

Chance for a Composer. 

IT is said that the ensuing Opera season will be distinguished by 
the performance of HERE WAONEH'S Lohengrin. Let us hope to 
hear so much of the music of the future realised. Certain of the 
LOED CHAMBEBLAIN'S late regulations appear to have nearly done 
for Opera- Bmiffe, but still perhaps there may be room for the 
exercise of native musical genius in the production of a comic 
Lohengrin, under title of Lohengrin through the Horte-collar. 



AWKWABD POSITION FOR THE PBOJECTFD BlSHOP OF Si. ALBAN'g. 

Half sees over. 



152 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



3, 1875. 



"OR ELSE!" 

\Vf have come to a crisis, when there shall be no mincing matters. 
Parliament must either go with the People or against them. I represent the 
1'eople of England the great and irresistible Working Classes of the Land. 
I know that thoy are perfectly serious, and determined to have justice. 

Parliament must learu and know the same, or else " 

DB. KBNEALY'S Manifesto to the " true Men of Reading. 

TERRIBLE" threat, 'all the 
worse that 'tis vague, 

From the Doctor whose 
mission's to rave and 
to plague ! 

What is to be done with 
this power irresistible, 

Who claims all the 
trumps at the Parlia- 
ment whist-table ? 

We tremble to think that 
the Member for OETON 

Is determined the life of 
St. Stephen's to shorten, 

Disestablish at once both 
DISRAELI and HART- 

INGTON, 

And mop back the sea, 
like a new MRS. PART- 
INGTON. 

That red-nosed OLD NOLL, 
when he turned out the 
Mace, 

Had a strong brain to put 
in the Parliament's 
place ; 

But though our new CKOSIWELL can brag very freely, 
What more than mere brag can we get from KENEALY ? 

That terrific " Or else " might bring men to repentance 

If they only believed he could finish the sentence : 

But the general Public are often defiant 

Of the dwarf who ('gainst evidence) says he 's a giant. 

Perchance, after all, the old Parliament train, 
Though KENEALY attacks it, may travel again : 
Its Driver's a man who in light is no joker, 
And he '11 quickly suppress this rumbustical Stoker. 




OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

At the Premiere of Nicholas Nickleby at the Adelphi. 

SIB, 

IN order to thoroughly enjoy a dramatic version of any 
one of CHARLES DICKENS'S works, total ignorance of the original is, 
I should say, a qualification absolutely necessary. In most in- 
stances the unbiassed mind would pronounce a verdict unfavour- 
able to the drama, and could it have been possible to have reversed 
the order of production, so that the drama might have been given 
to the public before the novel, the chances of popularity for the 
original would have been remarkably small. It has been said 
that Ma. WILKIE COLLINS wrote two of his works of fiction first 
as dramas, then as novels, in which latter form the public became 
acquainted with them. But in such :melodramatio and sensational 
stones as MR. COLLINS'S, the dramatic might well assist the 
narrative form, and the narrative the dramatic. In both "situa- 
tion " is nine points of the law ; and to realise situation is after 
all the primary intention of the Dramatic Act. What the novel 
is forced either to leave entirely to the imagination, or to oc- 
cupy pages in describing, that the drama places before us in instan- 
taneous action, supplying by its living illustrations, the want of the 
illiterate, the unimaginative, and those who have the inclination, 
but not the time for such reading. 

To all who know their Nicholas Nickli-by as they do their Pick- 
wick, almost by heart, and who could pass with honours a stiff 
examination in both books, the present adaptation at the Adelphi 
must appear most unsatisfactory. What may be its effect on the 
half-read and un-read public "remains," one may wisely say, "to 
be seen." Nicholas Nickleby, as adapted to MR. CHATTERTON'S 
stage, by MR. ANDREW HALLIDAY was on its first night received 
with enthusiasm, and its success carried by acclamation. Kvery- 
body appeared to be gratified and satisfied ; and as Mr. Vincent 
Crummies himself (who has not been fetched out of the novel to 



appear in propriii persona) would have said, it was from beginning 
to end, " Cheers, tears, and laughter! 1" 

Few modern pieces, whatever their merit, have been so strongly 
cast as this. In fact, its strength was cast-iron. Who could be 
better, to commence with, if you were thinking over it, than 
MR. FERNANDEZ as Ralph Nickleby, unless, perhaps, MR. BENJAMIN 
WEBSTER in his best days ? Then MR. JOHN CLARKE was evidently 
cut out for Squeers ; but unfortunately Squeers had not previously 
been cut out for MR. JOHN CLARKE. There might have been some 
doubts about putting MRS. MELLON into Mrs, Squeers, but these 
doubts would have been entirely dispelled on seeing her admirable 
make-up (after PHIZ'S pictures, to the life, only too cleanly), but 
that she could not help being cheery in her rendering of the part ; 
and " cheery " is not the word for Mrs. Squeers. As to MR. BEL- 
MORE, he is so clever and versatile, that it was quite on the cards 
for his Newman Noggs to have been the success of the piece ; but 
the adapter had clearly set his face against any such result as this, 
and either proprio motii, or by special request, had so changed 
the character of Newman Noqgs, that nothing remained of the 
original save the name. MR. HALLIDAY is, of course, a worshipper 
of DICKENS; but "When he who adores thee has left but the 
name," it is rather hard on the adored one. However, nothing 
succeeds like success; and if MESSRS. HALLIDAY and BELMOHE 
have achieved this, it is not for Your Representative to say another 
word on the subject. Our old friend MR. C. T. SMITH as Snawley 
was excellent, but not stout enough. What noisy heartiness^ co uld 
do for the Yorkshire farmer John Brodie, was done by MR. ESIEHY 
to perfection. On the first night he was three by honours, and the 
odd trick ; and I fancy so it will remain to the end of the run, for 
there are some touches of nature (to be credited to Ma. HALLIDAY 
developing a hint of DICKENS'S) which secure for John Brodie the 
sympathy of the entire auditorium, from the languid swell in the 
front row of the stalls, who subsequently gives his opinion that it 
was "doosed good," to the little unwashed in the back-row of the 
sixpenny gallery, who applauds lustily, and won't be satisfied 
until he has had " HEMERY " out before the curtain at the end of 
the Act. 

Miss LYDIA FOOTE as Smike reminded me not in the least of 
DICKENS'S Smike and PHIZ'S portrait, but of the boy (Joseph, I 
think), in MR. CHARLES HEADE'S Never too Late to Mend, at the 
Princess's, who sees angels and beautiful faces in the air and all the 
rest of it, whatever it usually is that is seen in the dying moments of 
interesting stage-boys doomed to a breeches part in melodrama and 
an early death. Let the readers of DICKENS remember that when Mr. 
Crummies first saw Smike his professional eye selected at a glance 
the poor abject, half-starved wretch for the part of Apothecary in 
Romeo and Juliet. Now, would anyone in their tenses ever have 
hit upon Miss LYDIA FOOTE as the very beau ideal of the Apothecary 
in Romeo and Juliet. Had this been suggested to MR. CHATTERTON 
by MR. HALLIDAY, would the latter have now been alive to tell the 
tale, or if alive couldn't his friends have provided for him as My 
Aunt, in David Copperfield, provided for Mr. Dick's eccentricities ? 
Undoubtedly this was a difficulty which former adapters felt, and 
relieved themselves from by, as it were, changing Smike at nurse, 
and substituting a pretty interesting, intelligent girl, for the half- 
famished, hollow cheeked, pinch nosed, "poor half-witted creature " 
(DICKENS'S own description this) that the original Smike is repre- 
sented to be in the novel. 

There was no love interest about Nicholas Nickleby, so it was 
necessary, in order to get up any interest at all, to rouse an audi- 
ence on behalf of Smike. The old piece was called, if I remember 
rightly, The Fortunes of Smike, and that is exactly the title that 
any knowing Crummies would have chosen. I fancy, however, that 
this was a dramatised version, unauthorised by CHARLES DICKENS, 
who, however, with his strong dramatic instincts, and his know- 
ledge of the practical requirements of the stage, would have been 
the first to acknowledge that if there was any necessity for the 
work to be dramatised at all there was at once a necessity for 
Smike's being played by a young actress who could appeal to the 
sentimental susceptibilities of the audience. 

MR. LLOYD'S scenery is good throughout ; and the old inn-yard, 
showing the start of a real coach and horses, is a thoroughly realistic 
picture, which brought down the Act-drop to immense applause, and 
brought out the scene-painter to receive an ovation. All the clever 
people came on at the conclusion of the piece, and " everyone was 
right and no one was wrong, upon my life and soul oh, demmit ! ' 
as Mr. Mantalini would have said had he been in front on the 
first night of Ncholas Nickleby as was 

YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. 



EIBANDS AND RACES. 

THE Turf has but one Riband Blue, 
Whereas the Thames can boast of two. 



10, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



153 



A PHAYRE TRIAL. 






-, <. : 




EWARK the GAIKUAB OF 

BARODA, 

Lest some day in your 
brandy and soda, 
A dote he have mixed 
That your Hint will have 

fixed, 

Before you can spin a 
pagoda." 

So to COLCWEL PHATBE whis- 
pered Bnow POONIKER, 
Now, a man may be aught 
but a spooney cur, 
Though he closely to test 

shun 

Such pois'nous sugges- 
tion, 

E'en should fair chance of 
testing it soon occur. 

Now, BHOW POONIKER hattd 

the GAJXWAB ; 
Of two rofrues, we know, like 
will with like war, 
And by foul means or 

PHATBE 
His whole thought and 

his care, 

From his throne MruiAH- 
BOW how to strike were. 



Whether POONTKER'S self was the dropper 
Of the diamond-dust ars'nic and copper 

In PHATBE'S pomelo-juice, 

To inquire 'tis no use, 
On the charge now the Court 'a clapped a stopper. 

But such poison was found (whether Palace's 
Or POONTKBB'S) proved by analysis, 

So PHATBE jumps to conclusion 

The noxious infusion 
A last touch of MULHAB-KOW'S malice is. 

And he wires, " The last game GAIKWAR tries on me, 

Is attempting in sherbet to pison me ; 
If the liquor I 'd drunk, 
PHATBE by foul play had sunk ; 

Broken-hearted Baroda relies on me." 



Then straightway LOBB NORTHBBOOK sent PELLT, 
Who brought a cool head to the mette, 

PHATRE'S residence ended, 

The GAIKWAB suspended, 
Stirring India from Ceylon to Delhi. 

A Commission was sworn in for trial 

Of the point who had emptied that phial ; 

They found no end to swear. 

To the " who, when, and where," 

But each oath had an oath in denial. 

MULHAB-ROW, his realm loth to surrender, 
SEBJEANT RALLANTUTE fee'd as defender ; 

Who put PHATBE through the mill 

With such Old-Bailey skill, 
HE, not MULHAR-BOW, seemed the offender. 

The Commission found plots had been woven, 
Hut the GAIKWAB'S guilt voted " not proven ; " 

Where in such a mess mixed are 

Rogue, liar, and trickster, 
To doubt the best judge is behoven. 

So scot-free of the charge, if not shriven, 
MULHAR-BOW may be said to have thriven ; 

Besides BALLANTLNE'S fee, 

He wins fame over sea, 
And PHATRE from Baroda is driven. 

For the names " MUXHAB-BOW," of the latter 
I mean " row," there 's no want in this matter ; 
But for "muller," I fear. 
Ne'er the GAIKVTAB will hear 
That name, without feeling its satire. 



NOBTHBBOOK, spite of PHATBE'S charge, should have shied it, 
E'er to such awkward issue he tried it : 

They have both given Punch colour 

To call one of them " muller " 
Or perhaps between both may divide it. 



SIB, 



ONLY A HALFPENNY MORE. 



WHEW Halfpenny Post-cards were first started, we were justly 
charged sixpence a dozen. To this, any one who had played cards 
with fish-counters could have had no possible objection. But after we 
had been allowed to discover what a saving in time and money the 
new post-card was, when, to put it poetically, we had learnt to love 
the pretty Post-office infant, and felt our inability to do without it, 
up went the price of the dozen to sixpence-halfpenny ; presumably 
for the benefit of the stationer. This year we can't buy our packet 
of a dozen halfpenny post-cards under sevenpence. I begin to regret 
not having liberally invested in post-cards when they first came out 
they 'd have paid better than even the Brighton Aquarium, or the 
Langham Hotel at the present moment. The Post-card of 1875 
would have paid me over fifteen per cent, on the original invest- 
ment. Will they go up another halfpenny ? If so, I feel strongly 
inclined to buy for the rise. On the other hand, if people can only 
get sixpence for their sevenpence, they '11 take to writing fewer 
letters, and the demand for post-cards will be sensibly very 
sensibly-diminished. l ^^ ^ yonr8 

SPEC JUWIOB. 



THE GRECIAN BEBB. ' 

take). 



She Stoops to Conqtier " (A Great Mit- 



txvni. 



15t 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 10, 1875. 




NOTHING LIKE LOGIC. 

Orton Demonstrator. " I DON' CARE WHETHER HB 'a ORTON OR TISHBO'N' OR 
CASHTR" OR WHO HI is, BU' I DON' LIKE T' SEE A PO'B MAN KEI>' OUT OF'S 
PROP'TT I ! " 

Second Orton Demonstrator. " JESH SHO ! " [Tliey retire to refresh. 



MR. SQUARETOES' SACRIFICE 

TO THE MANCHESTER CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. 

BOUND on a voyage to the Pole, 
Heroes, and maybe martyrs, go. 

Would I go, if still young and whole ? 

Perhaps, if 'twere to save my soul, 
On. other terms distinctly, No ! 

Ice-boxmd in darkness, want, and cold, 
No martyr of his crown should doubt, 

More than did martyred Saints of old. 

Otherwise 'twere more wise, I hold, 
To die a martyr to the Gout. 

Martyr, that 's witness, to good things ; 

Their martyr through enjoyment free, 
Whence, in due time, Dyspepsia springs, 
And thence the pang this toe which wrings 

That twinge in it just now ! Ah, me! 

But yet if Science could appease 
My pangs, my former health renew, 

Wealth for the cure can find the fees, 

Not so with victims of disease 
Who poverty groan under, too. 

There are infirmaries for such ; 

And my subscription to bestow 
On one of them won't hurt me much, 
As does ! Ah! the slightest touch 

Of this unfortunate great toe. 

A Children's Hospitalis one 

To which peculiar help seems due. 
Those helpless innocents ne'er won 
Their own complaints, as we have done ; 
Myself, I mean, friend, if not you. 

Some sacrifice, within some bounds, 

I 'm game to stand a guinea, nay, 
A sacrifice of several pounds, 
Which plainly to great good redounds, 
So won't be money thrown away. 

Yes I '11 invest my mite, nor reck 
Expense to succour babes withal. 

Methinks those studs this breast might deck. 

Away, my crutch ! Here, take this cheque, 
Fair tenant of yon fancy-stall ! 



TWO YIEWS OF THE EARL OF SHAFTESBURY 
AND HIS DONKEY. 

" Nostrum dolicium est asinus." 

VIRGIL Copa. 

"He has made humanity one of the Characteristics of Shaftesbury." 

SHEIL. 

" The annual tea-meeting and donkey-show of the costermongers connected 
with the Golden Lane Missions was held on the 24th instant at the Foresters' 
Hall, Clerkenwell. . . . The event of the evening was the presentation of a 
donkey to LORD SHAFTESBURY. The animal was with some difficulty driven 
on to the platform, whence his Lordship, standing with his arm round its neck, 
addressed the meeting. The Emily (Jlub of costermongers presented LADY 
EDITH ASHLEY with a bouquet." 

(From the Philosopher' 1 s stand-point.) 

COTJLD there be better gift ? The patient beast 

Who bears the stick, and will on thistles feast, 

Yet in hard duty struggles to the end, 

Is always grateful to a human friend, 

But seldom finds such friend ; is roughly fostered 

By costermongers, sellers of the costard, 

Sellers of other things from door to door, 

And very useful traders for the poor 

He bears a cross, we know ; and legends say 

Has borne, in memory of a wondrous day, 

When love wrought miracles, in stress and strife, 

And sick were healed, and dead men raised to life. 

Since when, 'twixt hard knocks, hard words, and hard fare, 

He and his owners both their cross must bear. 

The Earl, who loves his race, loves other races : 
He has sought evil out in darksome places, 
And bravely grappled with its many arms, 
And tamed its strength, and paralysed its harms. 



Brought aid to weakness, moved dead weights away, 
That crushed the soul down, deep, in mire and clay. 
The greatest, by descending, may ascend : 
The peer who is the costermonger's friend, 
Dares on the platform stroke an ass's ears, 
Rises above the level of his peers. 
Though SHAFTESBURY'S arm around a donkey's neck 
Might prompt a laugh, all ridicule we check : 
That donkey to Saint Giles's Park will pass, 
To feed, and roll, his fill in lordly grass ; 
Mounted by many a high-bred boy and girl, 
And praised and petted by the kindly Earl. 

What though the shade of the Cabal-list sneer, 

At such bucolics, or that sager Peer,* 

Who of his age Characteristics penned, 

And whom the best men of his time called friend, 

Wander around Saint Giles's grey old hall, 

On Asinus no fear of them will fall. 

He '11 let those pale ghosts form and fade in mist, 

Nor prick an ear, till the philanthropist 

Bring him the kindly carrot, or, more prized, 

The thistle, of all beasts save him despised ; 

Then, though a creature who on rough fare feedeth, 

He '11 proudly bear the weight of LADY EDITH, 

And wonder how from a foul coster's slum, 

To honour in an Earl's park he has come. 

(From the Costermonger's ditto.) 
IF I had a Donkey what wnuld go, 
D' ye think he should drudge in a cart ? O, no ! 
He should win me a prize, and I 'd cry, " Brayvo ! " 
And " Go it, Neddy !" 

* The philosophic LORD SHAFTESBURY, best known as the Author of the 
' Characteristics." 



APRIL 10, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



155 



And if I 'ad for to accord 

A noble friend a fit reward, 

I 'd give 'im that Moke, and say, " My Lord, 

If I had a Donkey," &c. 
A good old say in 's " Live and Learn ; 
And which yer will, if you reads your STEBSE ; 
You "11 be able to tell wot a Donkey means, 
Read his thoughts while drawrin' a load o' greens, 
Understand all he feels when he winks 'is heyes, 
And nr him so patient, and kind, and wise, 
You'd say no man of sense would a Ass des]>in , 
And, praps, add the obserwatiun 

" If I had a Donkey," &c. 

The point of my song I '11 now explain. 
We 'd a Donkey Show in Golden l.ane 
In the yard be'ind the Mission 'All ; 
A instructive scene to great and small. 
Inside, LOUD SHAFTESBCHY in the Chair, 
Presidin' over our meetin' there : 
And we Costers resolved, for the good he done, 
To give 'im the winner the Ass A One. 
A singin' 

" If I had a Donkey," &c. 

So full comparisoned in we led 
The Donkey, a pattin' of his nose and 'ed. 
The noble Earl on the platform there, 
And the LADY ASKLF.YS 'longside 'is chair : 
And Cowi'ER-TEMi'LE, and several more 
Benevolent swells wot befriends the poor. 
A 'propriate speech our Foreman spoke, 
Requestin' the Peer to accept the Moke. 
Then into wociferous cheers we broke, 
And chorus ! 

" If I had a Donkey," &c. 

His Lordship was pleased to receive the gift ; 
But the Testimonial he bade us lift. 
Which we did, to the platform, with pains and care, 
For to make 'im the presentation there. 
The noble Lord his arms he wound 
The gentle hanimal's neck around. 
Like a study he stood for a hartist's skill, 
As I fancies I now be'olds 'im still ; 
Whilst rounds of applause the hair did fill 
Mingled with wot the Moosoos calls the refrang 

"If I had a Donkey,'" ic. 

"Thank you," he said, " each Christian friend, 
Your docile present I shall send 
To a 'appy 'ome in the country hair, 
To be rode by kids wot 'is strength will bear 
My children's children "cos why, my own 
Is too 'eavy weights now, being all full-grown. 
I ain't a got not much more to say, 
But if words your kindness could repay, 
I 'd rise my woice in a popular lay 
With a burden no doubt familiar to most of yon 
' If I had a Donkey,' &c. 

" And I '11 state my endeavour have always been, 

In this here sublunairy scene, 

iVith patience unswervin' for to go through 

Whatever 's been put upon me to do, 

And my life in resignation pass 

Unmurmurin' like this 'ere pattern Ass. 

This Moke, which in fond embrace I fold, 

And a rig for the scoffers whose 'arts is cold 
And hincapable of enterin' into the feelin's of a cove wot, over- 
come with emotion, busts into melody, as I now beg to conclude 
with 

Now 1 've got a Donkey wot irill go, 

I never won't part with 'im, no, no ! 

My pride of the Costers' Donkey-Show ; 

My bang-up Neddy ! " 



A Negative Philosophy. 

FROM the POPE'S continual reiteration of Aon possumm His 
oliness would seem to be an adherent of the philosophy of Can't. 



GAME FOE THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF IDE PBOPOSED HAMPSTEAD 
HOSPITAL." Catch who Catch Can." 



NURSERY RHYMES NEW SET FOR THE TIMES. 





HERE was an owl 

liv'd in an 

oak, 
The more he 

heard, the less 

he spoke, 
Theless bespoke, 

the more ho 

heard 
0, if men were 

all like that 

wise bird! 

n. 

Ding-donp-bell ! 
High-Church 

hankererstell, 
If they wamt to 

see a Show, 
They to Church 

of Home must 

go- 
lf to Rome 

they 'd round 

about, 
From their old 

Church best 

turn oat. 



III. 



THERE was an Old Woman 

(My story is true) 
With all of her children 

She knew what to do ; 



Of her girls she made Parsons, 
And Doctors, and Lawyers, 

Her boys she made Shoeblacks, 
Clerks, Porters, and Sawyers. 



THE "HOLY ROSE OF HONDURAS." 

A WITNESS, before the Parliamentary Committee on Foreign Loans, 
stated, a few days ago, that " he had been invested by the Minister 
for Honduras ' with the Cross of the Order of the Santa Rosa of 
Honduras, but that he did not know for what." 

Mr. Punch congratulates the creditors of that interesting State 
upon this gratifying intelligence. It is refreshing to know that 
" There 'a a bower of roses hard by the Golf-stream," 

though the nightingale who sings in it is not the Bulbul, but the 
JOHN BULL. HU song has not been very inspiriting of late, but 
this is not to be wondered at, for, as nightingales do not sing well 
in captivity, we must not expect much mirthful melody from those 
who cannot get rid of their Bonds. But the Bondholders' prospects 
are brightening. Hitherto the Blessed Rose of Honduras has been 
known to them only by its thorns ; but they may now hope to have 
its bloom and its fragrance preserved for them in a decoration. 
" Thus Memory draws from delight, ere it diet, 
An essence that breathes of it many a year." 

And thus " the Cross of the Santa Rosa of Honduras," if they can 
obtain it, may be as precious to them as the real Attar Gul. Indeed. 
Mr. Punch is informed that the authorities in Honduras intend 
shortly to change the name of that state to Gulistan. 

No one can doubt that the British Bondholder will regard this 
novel and poetical decoration as a compensation in full for all his 
losses. It is recorded of a great English speculator, who died some 

S;ars ago, that he was so charmed with the riband of the Legion of 
onour, which had been conferred on him, that he wore it even on 
his robe de nuit. In like manner, the Honduras Bondholder may 
attach the Rose of Honduras to the bonnet d'ane, or fool's cap, in 
which he lies down to rest. Mr. Punch is informed that the motto 
of the Order is taken from OVID'S Remedium Amoris, and is 
" Urticte proximo ttfpe rosa est " " the rose often grows next to 
the nettle ; " but as the Bondholders have already grasped their 
nettles, he recommends them now to go in for the roses ; and, on 
their behalf, he says, with HORACE, to the Minister for Honduras 
" Parcentes ego dexteraa 
Odi. Sparge Kosaa." 



MK. THOMS'S FAVOURITE TCXE. "The Old Hundredth." 



156 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APKIL 10, 1875. 




PROPERTY HAS ITS RIGHTS. 

SCENE : Mr. Foote Lyter's buck Drawing -room. Private Theatricals. Dress Rehearsal. 

Mr. Foote Lyter. "I SAY, DRAWLE, WHILE THE DUKE is HAVING HIS SCENE WITH DORA, WHERE AM 7 TO SIAND!" 
Cajitain Drawle (amateur Stage Manager). "WELL BE MY D.BAK FELLOW ER ER IT'S YOUR OWN HOUSE, YOU KNOW You 
CAS STAND WBEKS You LIKE I " 



SUITED TO A TEA. 

THE following letters have been received by Mr. Punch upon the 
subject of the Great Tea Consumption Question. He publishes 
them for what they are worth not very much. 



Sat, 



The Growlery, April 2, 1875. 



Now that Tea-drinking is under the consideration of the 
Public, I trust you will use your all-powerful influence to secure 
the abolition of that greatest of social pests five o'clock teas. At 
this season of the year, my work in the City is over at about half- 
past four o'clock. You would imagine that at that time I would be 
glad to hasten home after my daily toil ? Kot a bit of it, Sir ; not a 
bit of it ! The spectre of five o'clock tea guards the entrance of my 
suburban mansion, and drives me away to an ante-dinner rubber at 
the Club. 

If I go home what occurs? "Why this. I enter the drawing- 
room and find the wife of my bosom the centre of a circle of local 
scandal-mongers, my girls giggling in corners with a number of 
inane Dragoons, and a bearded and anything-but-prepossessing 
foreigner strumming an accompaniment to a song of his own com- 
position on the pianoforte. There is but one grain of satisfaction 
to be extracted from this painful picture no one seems to be paying 
the least attention either to the .foreigner or his chanson .' Well, 
Sir, no one takes any notice of me, and I feel that I am not the 
master of my own house. 

Yours indignantly, 

PETEB PATEBF AMELIAS. 

The Boudoir, April 2, 1875. 
MY VEBY DEAB ME. PUNCH, 

ALTHOUGH I have never had the pleasure of meeting you, 
I am quite sure you must remember my name. Our mutual friend, 
dear LADY GWENDOLINE SNOBKINS once wrote to you for a box for 



the Opera and I accompanied her to Covent Garden on that occa- 
sion, you know. So you see we are quite old friends. 

I believe that my husband is writing to you (I saw your name 
traced backwards on his blotting-pad), and can guess the subject of 
his letter. Pray, take my word for it, my dear Mr. Punch, five 
o'clock tea is a very charming recreation. You Gentlemen have 
your Clubs, and I am sure I don't know what we poor Women would 
do if we did not have our little reunions. Besides, it is such a good 
thing for the children I speak feelingly, as I have five grown-up 
daughters. Of course, you know, I married very young. If my 
husband says anything about the expense, pray do not believe him 
he knows absolutely nothing about it. Any sort of tea will do for 
five o'clock tea, and my Grocer sends me in really a very good article 
indeed at eighteenpeme a pound. 

"lours very sincerely, 

A WIFE AND A MOTHER. 

The Snuggery, April 2, 1875. 
You DEAB WICKED NICE OLD CBEATUKE, 

PA, Ma says, is writing to you to ask you to put down five 
o'clock tea. I suppose the dear oil goose has been tilling his nice 
old head with those stupid letters in the papers, about how to make 
tea and all that, you know. Don't help him, dear Mr. Punch he 
knows nothing about it. Five o'clock tea is the jolliest thing out. 
You can't imagine how awfully nice it is to flirt we mean, to chat 
with FBANK and CHABLEY we mean with CAPTAIN LACY and MR. 
MONTBESSOB, whilst that stupid SIGNOB TOJIPKINI is singing away 
at the piano. What has the tea to do with it '( So mind you don't 
help, Pa, please. If you do, we will never love you any more ! 

Yours affectionately, 

FANNY AND ALICE. 

WHAT'S IN A DAY? PBINCE BISMABCK has been keeping his 
birthday the First of April. The festival of All Fools can thus 
boast of one magnificent exception. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 10, 1875. 




WANTED-A TONIC. 



DR. PUNCH. '"WELL, I HOPE YOU'VE COME UP STRONGER FROM THE COUNTRY?" 
DIZZT. "I HOPE SO, TOO. BUT THE WINTER HAS BEEN VERY TRYING." 
DB. PUNCH. " TO EVERYBODY ! SrSTEM WAXTS BRACING ! " 



APRIL 10, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



150 




NO OOQ, NO COOK. 

Lady. " B0r I VSRY MUCH DISLIKK DOGS IN THB KITCBEX I " 

Cook. "THKN IT WOULD BB NO r.se MY XKGAGINO or MYSELF, MA'AM FOR MY OBJICT is 

TO GEr A COMFORTABLE HolCK FOB TlNY AND MY8ILF ! " 



BAZAAR RULES. 

Tins following Rules hare ben thought out on the summits of mountains and the tops of 
omnibuses, in " the busy hum of men," and the society of industrious women, by the Round 
Towers of Ireland and in the family circle. They have been drawn up with great care, 
written and re-written with particular attention to orthography and punctuation, settled by 
counsel, registered at Stationers' Hall, and enrolled in the Court of Chancery. Being 
prepared expressly for the Bazaar in aid of the excellent Children's Dispensary and 
Hospital at Manchester, they are copyright and none are genuine unless they bear the 
signature of the inventor on an embossed label ; but any Bazaar Committee in England or her 
Dependencies will be allowed to adopt them, on payment of a handsomeper-centage on the 
total amount of the proceeds of their sales to the funds of the Children's Hospital. 

THE RULES. 

1. All Visitors to enter the Hall with their pockets filled with gold and silver, notes, 
cheques, post-office orders, Bank stock, railway scrip, jewellery, small portable articles of 
plate, and any other valuables which the Ladies who preside at the Stalls may condescend to 
accept in lieu of cash. 

2. No Visitors to leave the Hall with more money about them than is sufficient to pay their 
expenses home and remunerate a strong porter for carrying away their purchases. 

3. As nothing is so likely to produce feelings of jealousy, frowns, and a general derange- 
ment of the system, as any appearance of partiality or favouritism, Visitors are requested 
not to confine their purchases to one or two Stalls, but to make a liberal selection from the 
contents of all. 

4. Visitors should dismiss from their minds any such selfish consideration as whether what 
they are buying will be useful to them in their future life. They should remember that 
there are many thousands of persons in Manchester, the County Palatine of Lancashire, and 
the Three Kingdoms generally, to whom a souvenir of the Bazaar would be most acceptable. 
In the worst extremity, if purchasers feel the least embarrassment about the disposal of 
their acquisitions, the Ladies who preside at the Stalls will not object to receive back any 
article which they may wish to be relieved of. It seems almost necessary to apologise for 
adding that no money can, under any circumstances, be returned. 

5. Visitors are requested to enter the Hall amply provided with capital stories, good 
:es, side-splitting puns, ingenious conundrums, telling repartees, and clever impromptus. 

But no story, joke, pun, conundrum, repartee, or impromptu, is to be used more than three 




happily 

to go to the Free Lib'rary and ask for the Law" R^r?8'7VoL%cVxxTvtir.rMiolaelmas Goose 
crrn), they will see what was the unanimous decision of the Judges (sitting m banco) in the 
celebrated case of Kerr Mudgeon v. the Orandchester Bazaar and Fancy Fair Committee : 
and henceforth they can have no difficulty in knowing how to act in the most tryinir emer- 
gencies of life. 



7. On the delicate subject of Flirtation 
it is impossible to lay down any hard and 
fast rule. Perhaps your wisest plan will 
be to go at once to Mamma, state the case 
fully to her, and be guided implicitly by 
her decision. We can say no more than 
this, except that if you are sure that by a 
little harmless pastime of this kind you can 
promote the great object of the Bazaar, you 
will not be doing very wrong by obeying 
the dictates of beaevolence and humanity. 

8. Invest your money freely in Raffles, 
and do not waste precious time by inquiring 
what the article to be rallied for is, or how 
much you are to pay for your chance of 
success. You will know what you have 
won when the prize is handed over to you, 
and the amount you have to disburse will 
be marked in plain figures when your name 
is entered in the list. Bear in mind what 
a great philosopher once said to his step- 
mother " Marriage is a lottery, and Com- 
merce is a lottery, and light pastry is a 
lottery ; but each has its prizes as well as 
its failures." 

Attend to these few simple Rules golden 
rules we would call them, did we not know 
that the Executive Committee prefer notes 
as a rule and you will leave the Free 
Trade Hall a wiser and a better man, with 
a light heart, a lighter purse, and an assort- 
ment of useful and ornamental articles 
which no change of Ministry, no fluctua- 
tions in the Money Market, no alteration 
in the Bank rate of discount, can ever 
tempt you to part with, except, it may 
be, to some other Bazaar and Fancy Fair 
in a totally different part of the kingdom 
if you can find one which has as strong 
a claim to your support as that for the 
Manchester Children's Hospital. 



HINTS ON HORSEFLESH. 

TEE Annual Horseflesh Dinner in Paris 
took place the other day at the Grand Hotel. 
The menu, according to the Post, was as 
follows : 

"Potage Lc consomme do choral a 1'A B G. 
Hon d'eeurre Le eauciwon de cheval aux pu- 
tachea syriaquei ; lei tcrrincs de foie maigre 
(.hemlines. Ileleves Leu turbota a la sauce arabc ; 
le filet de cheval rflti aux pommes a la crime ; 
1'aloyau de mulet a la centaure. Entries 
Langues de cheval, d'ane, et de mulet a la tro- 
yenne; fricandeau d'ane braise 1 ; filet dc mulet 
mode a 1* gelee ; sorbets an maratquin. B6t 
Poulardes truSSes ; nlade. EntremeU Lei cepes 
aut8 a 1'huile; les aiperges en branchei a la 
crime. G laces Bombcs, vanillc, fraiw*. Dmirt 
amorti." 

Comment on the above is perhaps not 
wholly superfluous. It will doubtless occur 
to a good many Scotchmen that " hors 
d'&uore" is a very proper description of 
dishes composed of horseflesh. Some other 
readers even will, perhaps, question whether 
turbots with Arab sauce can refer to a 
sauce compounded of an " Arab steed." 
Among the entremets, " les cepes tautft a 
1'huile," may be translated " stewed toad- 
stoods," the word toadstool being the only 
English one for cepe known to British 
mycophagists, however, as the Boletus 
edulis ; and, possibly, there are people, 
Scotch also mostly, who will not scruple to 
remark that the fungus most suitable to 
such a repast as that above chronicled 
would be the "horse-mushroom." 

It will not, perhaps, escape notice that 
the pieces de resistance of the menu in- 
cluded not horse alone, but donkey. Who 
can restrain the observation that hippo- 
phagy may be endurable, but cannibalism 
seems going rather too far ? 



160 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 10, 1875. 



THE LAST DAY OF 




HUNTING. 

(Stanzas for the First of April.) 
IGHT day to bid a long farewell 

To the field's gladsome glee ; 
To hang the crop upon its peg, 

The saddle on its tree. 
All Fools' the day, all Fools' the deed, 

That hunting's end doth bring 
With all those stinking violets, 
And humbng of the Spring ! 

Good-bye to pig-skin and to pink, 

Good-bye to hound and horse ! 
The whimpering music sudden heard 

From cover-copse and gorse ; 
The feathering stems, the sweeping ears, 

The heads to scent laid low, 
The find, the burst, the " Gone-away ! " 

The rattling " Tally-ho !" 

My horses may eat off their heads, 

My huntsman eat his heart ; 
My hounds may dream of kills and runs, 

In which they 've borne their part, 
Until the season's bore is done, 

And Parliament set free, 
And cub-hunting comes back again 

To make a man of me ! 



OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN. 

At the Royalty or somewhere else. 

MY VERT DEAR SIB. 

You will see from this commencement that your Represen- 
tative is in a good humour, more than ordinarily good. It's such a 
humour as makes me whistle and sing, and inclines me to smile on 
the Peasants of the Sunny South, who, a pair of them, perambulate 
the metropolis with a mechanical piano on wheels. It glads the 
heart of your Representative to recrd a success, it glads that organ 
I mean my heart, which is as large and as full-toned in its vox 
humana as the magnificent instrument at the Crystal Palace, or the 
Carmelite Church, Kensington, I say, Sir, it rejoices this har- 
monium to record a success, and still more, that this success should 
be likely to last. 

I am alluding to the present programme of the Royalty Theatre, 
where MADAME SELINA DOLAHO is the Manageress, and ME. D'OYLY 
CARTE is the Acting Manager. The only thing that casts an occa- 
sional gloom over the soul of your Representative, is that hit name 
can never be D'OYLY CARTE. Ah, MR. CARTE, did you but know 
how you are envied by the SMITHS, the BODGEBS, the BUBKINSES, 
et hoc genus omne ! D'OYLY CARTE might do anything, rule the 
waves, or be Emperor of the French in fact, without going any 
further I feel sure that he might be at once Emperor of 
the French, if he'd only suggest himself for the vacant situa- 
tionand my! what an empire there 'd be! "Were I not some- 
body myself, I would be somebody else," as the great commander 
observed of the man in a tub. Success, then, to .MR. CASTE 
no, 'tis nothing without the D'OrLY success to MR. D'On-Y 
CARTE but there, 'tis no use wishing it him, he is safe to have 
(rreatness thrust upon him, and be happy for ever afterwards. 
Under such auspices as those of MADAME SELINA DOLARO I like 
the name of SELINA too, it sounds so soft and moony (your Repre- 
sentative is thinking of course of Selene 0, isn't he, I mean my- 
self, your Rep. a real Grecian ! ! ) Well, Sir, to resume, under 
such auspices as those of SELINA MADAME DOLABO, with her own 
CARTE, and a good team, what could be more certain than a success- 
ful career, which not even the hazardous experiment of La Perichole 
has been able to upset. Au contraire (what a linguist I am! but 
now a Grecian, now a Frenchman) MADAME DOLAHO has shown us 
that she is possessed of true artistic power, both as an actress and as 
a cantatrice. (Italian, by Jove!! Dutch to follow you'll see 
0, what a clever boy !) by her impersonation of La Perichole, 
which involves a situation (I mean the tipsy scene) in which MADAME 
SCHNEIDER at first almost disgusted even a French audience by her 
over-acting. Those who have seen MADAME SCHNEIDER'S Boalotte 
will understand this perfectly. 

MR. FISHER is that rarissima avis (Latin, Gentlemen ! Believe ? 



what a scholar! !), an English comic tenor ; but as your Represen- 
tative has already drawn attention to this gentleman's performance 
at the Philharmonic in Girofle- Girofla, he will say nothing more 
about him just now, except to hint to him that with such a career 
before him (he is the only comic tenor anything like DUPUIS) he 
must take care of himself and study, study, study. He has not got 
much to do in Trial by Jury, but throws himself into it with as 
much sense of the fun of the thing as he showed when heplayed 
Mr. Gladstone in Happy Land at the Court Theatre. In Trial by 
Jury (librettist, W. S. GILBERT; composer, ARTHUR SULLIVAN) 
both Mr. Words and Mr. Music have worked together, and for the 
first quarter of an hour the Cantata (as they 've called it) is the 
funniest bit of nonsense your Representative has seen for a con- 
siderable time. That more might have been made of it, and with 
increasing effect, your Representative has no doubt, but Messrs. 
Words and Music, agreeing with Mr. Weller, junior, as to the art 
of brevity in composition, have only given themselves a little over 
half an hour for their musical and dramatic joke. The hits of the 
piece are MR. FRED. SULLIVAN'S Judge, " with a song " (and such a 
song! Easy-going music and first-rate words, of which MR. FREDE- 
RICK SULLIVAN does not allow the audience to miss a single syllable 
in four or five verses) ; the Jury, whose chorus, like that of the 
Conspirators in Madame Angot, the old men in Faust, and the 
Pirates in Girofle, receives a genuine encore ; the Usher, whose 
steps are very funny, and the chorus of pretty Bridesmaids, with 
the fairest of whom the naughty little Judge establishes a flirtation, 
thereby proving to the public in court and to the auditorium that 
" of beauty he is a good judge too ! " 

Miss BROMLEY looks charming and sings nicely as the Plaintiff, 
and thoroughly enters into the joke when she accepts that old sly- 
boots of a Judge's invitation to sit on the bench beside him. 0, 
then how they do go on, those two ! 

But I must draw a veil, and finish by advising those whom 
Providence has blessed with affluence and a good digestion, to leave 
their pleasant dinner-table, and, for the sake of a hearty laugh (it ]s 
to be got there, even though for only a quarter of an hour), to visit 
the Royalty, under the management of SIONOHA SELINA (Signora is 
Spanish, you '11 observe ! what a command of languages !), LA REINA 
DOHRO, and her prime minister, MONSIEUR LE Due D'OYLY CARTE, 
to whom, greeting, mention the name of 

YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. 

P.S. Rose Michel at the Gaiety ought not to have been a failure. 
Had it been adapted i.e., cut and compressed by some old 
experienced hand, and played by well, let me suggest by MRS. 
HERMANN VEZIN, as the wife, and MR. EMERY as the murderous 
husband, the success of the piece would have been as great 
as that of the Two Orphans at the Olympic, or, to go oack 
further, of the Isle of St. Tropez at the at. James's, or, further 



APRIL 10, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



161 




THE ELEVENTH HOUR. 

Critical Friend (w/wse suggestions are invaluable, comes to see Picture late in the 
afternoon on the very day it hat to be sent to tke Royal Academy). " 0, war, war 
DIDN'T I SEE THIS PICTURE BJFORK?" 



ALL THE FUN OF THE FAIR. 

IN a recent advertisement of the London School- Board, 
for school-masters and school-mistresses in Bermondsey, 
it is stated that " candidates, invited to attend the 
committee, will be allowed a second-class railway fair " 
[sic]. As Mr. Punch has never had the good fortune to 
be present at " a second-class railway fair," his curiosity 
has been powerfully excited by this advertisement. It 
was his good fortune, when he was young, to see at a 
fair the iascinating',.Miss BIFFIN, whose foot- writing 
for she had no hands or arms was admired by every one 
who saw it. 

" Surely," thought Mr. Punch, " there will be, at a 
second-class railway fair, many persons, who, having 
lost their limbs in a collision, and being thereby dis- 
qualified for any feat of arms, have made their arms of 
feet, and emulated the skill of. Miss BIFFIN. Surely, at 
such a fair, the Living Skeleton will be represented by 
the Original Shareholder, whilst the Preference Bond- 
holder will do duty for the Fat "Woman of Tutbnrv. 
The Merry-go-rounds will closely resemble the Board- 
room Tables, and several able Managers, whose efforts to 
reduce the value of railway shares have been attended 
with complete success, will have charge of the Knock- 
"em-downs." 

But, while Mr. Punch thus meditated, there came one 
to him, who said that what the London School-board 
meant to offer, and would have offered, if their Inspector 
of Spelling had not been absent on sick-leave, was a 
second-class railway fare. 

"Dear me," said Mr. Punch, "have I been feeding 
my imagination on such homely fare as this '; If this be 
so, get thee from my sight. Little London School-Board ! 
Fare forth, and seek thy fortune ! Fare thee well, and, 
if for ever, then for ever fare thee well." 



High and Dry. 

Examiner (Dirine of the Old School). Name an in- 
stance of benevolence and design united in the native 
productions of a specified soil. 

Candidate. The growth in Spain and Portugal of the 
cork-tree, coincident with that of the vines yielding port 
and sherry. 

_ Examiner. Very good indeed, Sir. I trust you will 
live to be a Bishop. 

[Candidate passes urith flying colours. 



back still, of the Courrier of Lyons at the Princess's, under the 
Charles-Kean management. The drama of Rose Michel has still 
to be well adapted, and well played, as it probably will be in a short 
time in all the leading provincial theatres. But certainly neither 
the version, nor the actress (Mas. GLEDSTANES), lately seen at the 
Gaiety Theatre. 

THE BED ROVER. 

(Evidence at the first meeting of the next Recruiting Commission.) 
EX-PRIVATE LIGHTFOOT examined. 

Q. What did you know of the Army before you joined the 
Service? 

A. That in the opinion of the Vicar of my native village it was 
the final resting-place of all ne'er-do-wells. 

Q. What caused you to decide upon enlisting ? 

A. Having got into trouble in my native village, it appeared to 
me that suicide or the Queen's Shilling were the only two things 
open to me. I accordingly came up to London and accepted the 
shilling: in preference to the other unpleasant alternative. 

Q. Where, and under what circumstances, did you receive the 
Queen's Shilling; '? 

A. In a Public House from a Sergeant who filled my ears with 
stories of the glories of a military career. I subsequently found 
these stories to be utterly false. 

Q. Be good enough to say what happened next. 

A. Having been well supplied with drink, I was taken with some 
other recruits to the barracks to pass the night. The conversation 
turned upon the value of a free kit to the old- clothes-men, and I 
found that the majority of my new companions were old hands at 
desertion. 

Q. Very good. And next? 

A. I was taken before a Magistrate to be sworn in. His worship 
was good enough to explain to me that service in the Army was 
another word for ruin and disgrace. 



Q. The Magistrate was acting according to precedent. After you 
were sworn in '' 

A. I was sent down to the deput with the remainder of the 
recruits. Already half of our original number had deserted, and 
those who remained discussed the advisability of following their 
late comrades' example. 

Q. When you arrived at the depot what did you receive ? 

A. A free kit and a sum of money. 

Q. What did you next do ? 

A. I spent the money, and, deeply impressed with the gloomy view 
that the Vicar and Magistrate had taken of my position, determined 
to better it if possible. 

Q. Very good. What did you do to attain this praiseworthy 
object ? 

A. Taking a hint from the conversation of my brother-recruits, 
I sold my kit at a slop-shop and deserted. 

Q. What did you next do ? 

A. I did not entirely give up the Army. On the contrary, with 
the kind assistance of the authorities, I have since been able to make 
desertion my permanent profession. 

Q. What do you think of your present occupation ? 

A. I find it to be safe, lucrative, and amusing. 

Q. Would you suggest any alteration in the present law. 

A. Certainly not. The present law suits me admirably, and the 
most trivial alteration in it would be sure to throw me out of 
employment. Under these circumstances I say, speaking as a 
deserter of many years' standing, by all means let the present law 
alone ! 



co. 



THE Pall Mall Gazette lately suggested a stamp-duty on pro- 
[wsals of marriage. The Editor must have forgotten the failure of 
MR. LOWE'S Match Tax. 



THE SECRETARY FOR WAR'S MOTTO. Exchange no Robbery. 



1G2 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[AraiL 10, 1875. 



THE COMICALITIES OF CANNON ROW. 

IT is not generally known that the Civil Service Commissioners 
have an almost in- 
exhaustible fund of 
humour. But the 
popular ignorance 
on this head may he 
due to the fact that 
the Commissioners 
do not often exhibit 
the treasures which 
they possess, hut 
hide their good 
things, as the Crown 
jewels are hidden in 
the Tower. Now, 
however, that the 
KegaJia are to be 
exhibited gratui- 
tously, on certain 
days, to the public, 
the Commissioners 
have come to the 
conclusion that an 
occasional exhibi- 
tion of their wit 
may be welcomed by 
their admirers, and 
have been prompted 
to propound the 
following highly 
humorous proposi- 
tion to some recent 
competitors for 
Clerkships in Class 
II.:- 

' ' A speculator bought 
Spanish bonds (yield- 
ing no interest) at 
18; 18Honduras100 
bonds, paying 10 per 
cent, interest, at 35 ; 
and 27 Turkish 100 
bonds, paying 6 per 
cent, interest, at 45. 
At the end of two 
years he sells the Hon- 
duras stock at 15, and, 
the following year, be 
sold the Spanish at 25, 
and the Turkish at 64. 
Including the interest, 
he gained 1146. What 
number of Spanish 
bonds did he buy ? " 

Mr. Punch is in- 
formed that the 
majority of the com- 
petitors were so un- 
able to believe that 
any profit could 
result from a course 
of operations in 
Spanish, Turkish, 
and Honduras 
bonds, that they 
regarded the ques- 
tion as "a sell," and 
appended derisive 
remarks, to that 
Hffect, to the ques- 
tion-paper. A few, 
however, worked out 
the problem suc- 
cessfully, and have 
accordingly teen 
appointed auxiliary 
supernumerary as- 
sistant clerks, of the 
Fifth Class, in the 




The father of one of these successful young men, who has himself 
dabbled, not altogether successfully, in foreign Bonds, came over, 
the other day, from Dublin, which is his native place, and appealed 
to Mr. Punch, whom he properly regards as the great rignter of 

human wrongs. " I 

ask ye, Sir," he said, 
with tears in his 
eyes, "I ask ye, Sir, 
is it right that 
the Commissioners 
should put it into 
me boy's head that 
he may make money 
out of the dirty 
things? I ask ye 
once more, Sir, is it 
right of 'em? Is 
it prudent? Is it 
Dasent f " 



A CATECHISM ON 
COPYRIGHT. 

Q. What is to re- 
strain American 
publishers from 
theft, swindling, 
forgery, or any other 
act of fraud or dis- 
honesty which is 
practicable and re- 
munerative 'i 
.4. The fear of 
punishment by the 
law of the United 
States. 

Q. Anything else? 

A. The moral sense 
which restrains other 
men, and might re- 
strain them, from 
stealing in any 



Q. Does any moral 
sense restrain Ame- 
rican publishers 
from reprinting 
English books and 
selling them against 
the consent, and 
without the pay- 
ment, 'of their 
authors and pro- 
prietors, at such a 
price as to undersell 
those persons, and 
thus appropriate to 
themselves a portion 
of the profit rightly 
belonging to others"? 

A. None whatever. 

Q. If American 
publishers were 
liable to imprison- 
ment and hard 
labour for pirating 
English works, 
weuld they desist 
from it ? 

A. No doubt un- 
less they hoped to 
escape detection. 

Q. Well, then, were 
American publishers 
not liable to penal 
consequences for 
common larceny or 
felony, is there 

1 utr?T?w ? th t ?h theC ^ St m !' w , ithasalar yf fifty which would make them hesitate to rob or defraud anybo^ythe^ 
innum.^and with the contingent advantage of having possibly could ? 

- as the suggestions of the PLAYFAIH I A. One, perhaps. The fear of being stabbed, shot, or whipped by 

I those they might attempt to plunder. 



BOYS AT 

First Kilkenny "Hoy." 
NIGHT ? " 



PLAY (AFTER 

" DlD YE SEE THE 



AN EXECUTION). 

COCK-FIGHTIN' AT PAT DALY'S LAS8T 



Second Kilkenny "Soy."' "I DID NOT/' 

First Kilkenny " Soy." " DID TB SEE THE ' BOTS' ' ST/FFBR-B,' THIS MORNIN' ? 

Second Kilkenny "Boy" (listlessly). "I DID NOT." 

First Kilkenny "Boy." "AH, THIN, YE TAKE NO DELIGHT our o' 



YER8ELF, AT ALL, 



Commission are carried out. 



Prmted "Jjjjjph Smith, "' No 
Street, in the Precinct 



e Road, Holloway. in the ParUh of St. Mary 
rtars, ill the City of London, and Published by 



.- "' i" t*e Coonty of Middles, at the Printine Office, of Messrs. Jlradbury, Agnew, * Co., Lombard 

ed by bjm at No. 85. Fleet Street In the Parish of St. Bride , City of London.-SA i u , j, April 10, 1876. 



ArniL 17, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




163 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

ARI.IAUKNT or rather the 
Commons re-assembled 
(Jfiiniltiy, April 5), all the 
Ktiifer in the back, let us 
hope, for their Ka&ter holiday. 
A very thin house to a mili- 
tary night. CAPTAIN NOLAN, 
a practical as well as scientific 
artillerist, wants to know 
and not a day too soon why, 
when all the military powers 
of Europe have adopted 
breech - loading ordnance, 
England stands, solitary, by 
her muzzle- loading guns a 
question to be asked and 
answered but certainly not 
answered on Monday night. 
All MR. HAIIHY could say was 
that successive Committees 
had reported in favour of 
muz/le-loading ; and so they 
have, but as against one 
system of breech -loading 
SIR W. ARMSTMNG'S which 
we adopted hastily, and, in- 
stead of amending, have 
abandoned. 

As we shall have spent four 
millions and a quarter on 
great guns by 1876, MB. 
HARDY recommended the 
House to be cautious. The caution would have 
come better before we spent the money. Suppose 
we have to give up muzzle-loading, after all, for 
a better system of breech-loading than SIR W. 
ARMSTRONG'S ? The probability seems to lie in that 
direction, and what of our money and our caution 
thenf 

The appointment of a Colonial bishop as Chaplain- 
General of the Forces, instead of one of the six 
Senior Chaplains, all of long service and exemplary 
deserts, was questioned, and not justified. All MB. 
HARDY could say was that the Chaplain-General had seme 
</M.s/-episeopal functions, and therefore he thonght an ex- 
bishop would be the right man for the place. But we never 
heard that Chaplain-General GLEIO showed a want of either 
episcopal authority or unction. Is there any more reason why 
any of the six Senior Chaplains might not have done all the 
</uast-episcopal work required, whether in the way of confirm- 
ing recruits, or wigging subordinate chaplains ? But the job is 
jobbed ; and there is no use trying to put a varnish on it. 

Then the House got to the Army Estimates. SIR A. LUSK, 
COLONEL GOTTRLEY, and some other amateur critics, did the usual amount of 
nibbling and hobby-riding. Attention was called to some fine examples of 
the favourite official game of shutting the door after the steed is stolen as the 
Beggar's Bush Barracks nuisance, the Crimean graves, and other cases in 
which the timely expenditure of a few pounds would have saved thousands ; 
and the bulk of the Estimates was comfortably disposed of before midnight. 

Tuesday. It is wonderful how frank and full a Minister can be in admitting 
the faults of those over whom he has no control. The Jersey prisons are not 

under Home Office inspection. A weakly girl of fourteen, sentenced to a month's imprisonment half of it solitary, on bread and water-^- 
has died from disease accelerated by her punishment. MR. CROSS admitted the facts, regretted that the case should have occurred, and is 
glad to think it cannot occur again. But Jersey must be allowed htr full privilege of local mis-government. 

LORD Ro&EBT MONTAGU has been saying disagreeable things about the Folkstone drainage, and has been accused at a public 
meeting, by a gentleman in shirt-sleeves, with a turn for unparliamentary language, of "telling a pack of lies about the town." 
LORD ROBERT did not propose to call the offender to the Bar of the House, shirt-sleeves and all, but himself waxed so unparliamentary 
in criticism of his critic, that he was pulled up by the SPEAKER. 

MR. J. HOLMS tried, in vain, to prove to the House that brewers having been relieved of the Hop-duty ought to be relieved of the 
Licence-duty imposed in its stead. The House declines to believe that brewers are too simple innocents to extract the amount of that, 
or any other, duty out of their customers. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER undertook to correct inequalities in the scale of duty 
wkioh make it press unfairly on small brewers, and so cut away the only ground MR. HOLMS had to stand on. 

The Customs and Inland Revenue are to have the benefit of the Bank Holidays' Act ; but the latter are to lose the Coronation Day, 
and TKINCE ov WALES'S Birthday, which they have now. In the Docks the holidays are to be permissive. 

MK. NORWOOD thinks the Bank Holidays' Act an unwarrantable interference with the rights of labour. Punch thinks MB. NORWOOD'S 
an unwarrantable interference with the rights of play. MB. NORWOOD is of opinion that the working-classes have too many holidays as it 
is. Mr. Punch begs to remind him that SIB J. LCBBOCK'S Bill did not institute Saint Monday, and that clerks and employers, at 
all events, do not worship at the shrine of that saint of the working-man. 

Before going into Committee on Sea H. JAMES'S Bill for regulating Returning Officers' expenses, MR. FAWCETT was defeated on his 
resolution for throwing election expenses on the rates, by 130 to 46. Neither side of the House wants a rush of impecunious candidates. 

Wednesday. MB. FORSYTE, Q.C., member for the Spinsterhood of Great Britain, moved his little Bill of mighty consequence, to 
give votes at Parliamentary elections to women not under coverture. They bore the burdens of citizenship : they were interested in 



VOL. Linn. 



164 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 17, 1875. 




"A PARTHIAN SHAFT." 

Cook. " Now, I 'M A LEAVIN' OP YBR, M'UM, I MAT AS WELL TELL YBR AS THE 

KEY O 1 THE KlTCHING-DoOK FITS YOUR STORE- ROOM ! " 



WHAT WILL THE GLAZIERS SAY ? 

" LET all in vitreous tenements who dwell" 
(TUPPEK, an old saw set in a new strain) 

" Forbear the flinty missile to propel." 
Proverbial wisdom teachers must explain 
Hereafter, when BROWN, ROBINSON, and JONES, 
May in glass houses live, and yet throw stones. 
MONSIEUR DE LA BASTIE, French sage, 
Remote some distance from an ass, 
Has^added to the marvels of the age, 
By finding out a way of toughening glass. 
He dips hot glass in heated oil ; 
So the old heathen tried the Saint to boil, 
Who rose the livelier out of that ordeal, 
Which in a trice will glas3 anneal, 
So as to make it stand the smartest whacks, 
And bangs, unbroken and unstarred with cracks, 
Rendering the glass, as 'twere, a sort of steel. 

Paterfamilias, look what hope appears ! 

Thou as of old will be distrest no more 

With j ingle, too familiar to thine ears, 

Of glass or tumbler dashed on kitchen floor ; 

And windows smashed by boys who roam, 

Or thine own idle brats at home. 

Thy casements shard and pebble will defy, 

Nay, taws from " catapults " let fly. 

Thy tumblers will stand falls, decanters flinging, 

If guests should ever bottles shy. 

Yet toughness hinders not hard glass from ringing, 

With unimpaired sonority of tone : 

Glass bells in steeples soon will chime, 

Big Bens, perhaps, in no long time 

Instead of being founded will be blown. 

What may Posterity not make ? 

Cannon perhaps, fortifications, 

Out of a glass no common force can break ; 

Our Alexandras and our Devastations 

And Minotaur -s, " my Lords," in future days, 

Instead of plating, possibly will glaze. 



WHAT THE GUIKWAB DOES iror SEE. All the fun of 
the PHAYEE. 



four-fifths of our legislation : they were as competent to choose 
legislators as men. Under the ballot they need not fight their way 
to the polling-booths. 

MB. CHAPLIN, MR. LEATHAM, ME. SMOLLETT, MR. BEEESFORD- 
HOPE, MR. NEWDEGATE, and SIR H. JAMES, vindicated the natural 
order of Creation, which has left the Ladies to do their governing 
vicariously, through the Lords, their subjects. 

The small end of the wedge was ruthlessly employed against 
MR. FORSYTE, in spite of his protest against that ancient instrument 
of torture. Open the door to spinsters, and who shall keep out 
married women ? Admit to votes, and how can you maintain seats 
against the lovely rush P 

In epite of the aid of MR. STANSFELD who shares with MR. 
FORSYTE the proud title of the Ladies' Member and the less dis- 
tinguished support of ME. 0. SULLIVAN and ME. JACKSON, the House 
divided (187 to 152) against the Spinsters. But their minority is 
growing ; and ME. DISEAELI gave them a silent vote. These are 
omens. How long will Man be able to hold the gate of Parliament 
in the teeth of his natural superior, Woman '< Just as long as 
Woman continues, as at present, content on the whole with the 
power she exercises without a vote, and the representation she 
enjoys through that suffering sex on which she has laid the burden 
of legislating as well as of fighting and paying bills. 

Thursday. DE. KENEALY should have been in his place to ask a 
juestion about two rebukes very properly administered to juries by 
M.R. JUSTICE LAWSON at Limerick, and CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN at 
Brighton ; and to ask, further, whether it was the intention of the 
FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY to introduce any measure which shall 
lave for its object the better maintenance of the rights of jurymen 
;o deliver verdicts according to their conscience and to the best of 
heir ability, without censure from the Bench. 

In MB. KENEALY'S absence MR. Wn ALLEY, who had just read a 
petition for a Royal Commission to upset the verdict in the Tich- 
wrne Case put the question. 

MR. DISBAELI answered it, very much to the purpose. 

!l It is not the business of Ministers of the Crown to judge tho Judges. If 



they misbehave, Parliament can move the Crown to take notice of it. But as 
the appeal has been made to me, I do not shrink from it. I should be as un- 
willing to interfere with freedom of expression of opinion on the part of 
Judges as I should with the freedom of verdict on the part of a jury. * * I 
feel sure no one in this House esteems more highly the institution of trial by 
jury than myself. * * But I do not believe juries are infallible, and I may say 
from what I have observed of the sayings and doings of the Member for Stoke 
and the honourable Member opposite himself (Ma. ff HALLEY), I believe that 
that is an opinion which to some degree they share. (Laughter.) At least I may 
beg the House to observe that this question to-day has been felicitously 
entrusted, in the absence of the Member for Stoke, to the honourable Member 
who has j ust presented a petition callm? upon the Crown to impugn the 
verdict of a jury." (Cheers and Laughter.) 

Perhaps, considering the terms of this answer, MR. KENEALY may 
feel he was as well out of his place on this occasion. So, in a 
Christmas pantomime, we have seen the artful Clown step aside, to 
let the weight of the Policeman's baton fall on the innocent and 
obsequious Pantaloon. 

Merchant Shipping Acts Amendment Bill. SIR CHARLES ADDEKLEY 
is coming round coyly and reluctantly, and under all official 
reservation of dignity, but visibly towards ME. PLIMSOLL ; and we 
may yet live to see the Board of Trade approving a load-line. Nay, 
they have approved one, by this very Bill, marry, how ? permis- 
sively. The Ship-owner may fix it, and may tell the Board of 
Trade he has fixed it if he likes. Quite in the permissive spirit of 
the Session and the Government. 

MR. PLIMSOLL may be comforted. He may yet live to see a com- 
pulsory survey of unclassed ships, a load-line to be adapted to 
circumstances, a prohibition of deck-cargo, and a compulsory test of 
iron used in ship-building. And, when all this has come about, we 
should not wonder if the Board of Trade were still standing, and 
our mercantile marine had not been quite legislated off the face of 
the sea. So much for pluck, perseverance, and a good cause even 
in the teeth of unscrupulous opposition, unprincipled greed, and 
official vis inertiee. 

LOHD ESLIXGTON made an excellent speech, and the Bill was read 
a Second Time without opposition, after a debate foreshadowing 
much useful improvement m Committee. 



17, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



165 




TWO ALEXANDRAS. 

PRIL, r-oquette month of the year, plays with our hopes and fears ; 
Oft when we woo her smiles the most, is readiest with her tears ; 
Will closest wrap her head in clouds upon some gala-day, 
When she should beam her brightest, her sunniest face display. 

So that Wednetduy of all days for sulks the wayward month 

must take, 
When she thuuld have smiled her sweetest for our ALEXANDRA'S 

sake : 

She who has still a smile for all, deserved a smile from thee, 
Coy April, when she went to launch her namesake of the sea. 

There in her bed at Chatham tliat AI/KXASDKA lay 
Strange contrast with our Princess, the gracious and the gay : 
A monster hulk of iron iron-clad from stem to bow, 
Death in her iron throats, and death about her iron prow. 

The Ship, last fruit of all the toil, wealth, thought man can 

employ 

To quell all man and nature wield of forces to destroy. 
The Princess, sweet and slender, happy mother, loving wife, 
With babes and flowers about her, and love in all her life. 

And England resting between both, and upon either stayed. 
The strength built up in that great ship, still in its cradle laid, 
The loyalty that holds the Crown of the land's life a part, 
Softened and strengthened by her love for the Princess of her 
heart. 

Small grace in Chatham at the best, and less that small 

doth show 
To-day, with weeping skies o'erhead, and weltering mud 

below ; 
But grandly looms the stately ship, at rest in that great 

shed, 
With the festal crowds about her, and the Hags wreathed 

overhead. 

Under her ram's edge, strong to cleave sea's flanks and rivals' sides, 
What means that box, where those four steps a fence of flags divides ? 
Topped by a tube that might be case a lady s fan to hold, 
Carved trim in box and ebony, with 'scutcheon-plate of gold ? 



Some gift for the loved Princess? Hark to salute and cheer, 

And the roar of many voices, still nearer and more near ! 

Through ordered ranks, and cheering throats, flag-flaunt, and 

ordnance roar, 
The -Prince and Princess have ta'en place the great ship's stem 

before. 

A hush, till England's Primate Heaven's grace shall have implored 
On those who shall brave storm or shot that stately ship aboard : 
Then the Princess has slept forward, on that tube her hand has 

1 * J 

laid 
Light as a lady's hand should fall half pleased and half afraid : 

A pause of doubt a pulse of fear a clink of shivered glass 

And with majestic motion slow glides that mighty mass, 

And through a roar that shakes the shed to broad roof windowed 

wide, 
Curtsies to Medway's waters, and, proud, swings to the tide. 

Weights, roller, spindle once well fixed, a woman's touch was all 
Needed to make the shores that stay that giant war-ship fall. 
See type in Ship and Princess of England and her (ineen. 
Whose woman's hand the motive spring of this wide realm is seen. 

" A woman's head a woman's hand ! " the nostrum-mongers 

sneer 

" What reduciio ad abstirdum of ruling have we here ! " 
But without spindle, roller, ropes, and weights arranged below, 
What were toy-lever, woman's touch, to lay the dog-shores low? 



Beaks and Bishops. 

CONFIRMATIONS at the ancient, venerable, and most especially 
ecclesiastical and episcopal city of Winchester have hitherto always 
taken place in the Cathedral. The following extract from a para- 
graph of local news therefore sounds rather startling : 

"COUNTY BENCH. Saturday, before T. CHAMBEKIAYNE, ESQ. (Chair- 
man), and T. GUNNEK, ESQ. The following overseers were confirmed. . . " 

Matrimony in the Registrar's Office was sacrilege enough ; but 
heresy has culminated in confirmation by the County Bench ! Such 
is the comment which the foregoing quotation has perhaps suggested 
to some French commentator on British manners and customs. 



FIST, KNIFE, AND BOOTS. 

MB. JUSTICE BEKTT, the other day, at the Central Criminal Court, 
sentenced two youths for manslaughter ; one of them to fifteen, the 
other to ten years' penal servitude. The next day he sentenced six 
young men, also for manslaughter, four of them to one week's, 
and two to three days', imprisonment. Manslaughter had been 
committed in the former case with a knife in a desperate affray, had 
resulted in the latter from the normal use of the fists in a fair fight. 
It may be hoped that JUDOE BRETT'S discrimination between these 
cases of manslaughter will not only tend to abate the use of the 
knife among the coarser classes in the adjustment of their differ- 
ences, but also the use of the heavy hob-nailed boots. Kicking 
people, even men, when they are down, is a practice of which much 
more is heard in these " fair, well-spoken days," than there used to 
be during the brutal and demoralising era of pugilism. 



Song of Christopher Sly. 

GIVE me a pot of your smallest ale my throat is parched and dry. 
I.'m a bund fide traveller true as my name's CHRISTOPHERO SLY. 
Above three mile away from home as straight as I can go. 
Good two mile as the crow flies but I don't fly like the crow. 

First I go right then I go left a zigzag course I steer. 

And that makes two mile twice two mile ; and I wants a quart more 

beer. 

Two mile extends to four mile while I tack like a ship in sail. 
Give a bonajule traveller a pot of your smallest ale. 



Clerical Representation. 

FEMALE suffrage, notwithstanding that the PREMIER votes for it, 
remains an open question. Yet the Female Disabilities Removal 
Bill, though not a Government Measure, must always be a Minis- 
terial one. If women had votes, would they not, with very few 
exceptions, vote for the nominees of their Orgy ? What a triumph, 
therefore, their enfranchisement would be for Ministers of all 
denominations ! 



166 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 17, 1875. 




ELEMENTS OF MISCHIEF IN HYPOCRITICAL REPOSE. 



"WHAT IS THE GERMAN FATHERLAND?" 

{Freely translated from "Was isl der Deutachen Yaterland") 
GKSPECTFULLT DEDICATED TO PRINCE BISMARCK, AFTER READING His 

RECENT NOTE TO THE BELGIAN fOKBIGN OFFICE. 

WHAT is the German Fatherland 
As BISMABCE seems to understand ? 
The land that KAISEK WILHELM schools 
In Blood and Iron's rigid rules ? 
0, no ! 0, no ! within that line 
Fatherland would be clipped too fine. 

"What is the German Fatherland ? 
From Memel's Haf to Lubeck's strand ? 
From Erz-Gebirge's rocky pile, 
To Stralsund's forts and Rolen's Isle ? 
0, no ! 0, no ! by such a line 
Fatherland is drawn much too fine. 

What is the German Fatherland ? 

Where Echt Deutsch are both heart and hand ? 

Where cabbage doth for Sauer Kraut grow, 

And Rheinwein ranks above Bordeaux '( 

0, no ! 0, no ! by such a line, 

Fatherland, now, is squeezed too fine ! 

What is the German Fatherland ? 
Where rule is rather bluff than bland, 
Where backs to Jacks-in-office curve, 
Where in the ranks all men must serve ? 
0, no! 0, no! by such a line 
Fatherland would be drawn too fine. 

What is the German Fatherland ? 
Is 't where Church stoops to State command, 
Where Priests must pray as Prince requires, 
And School but teach as State desires '( 
O, no ! 0, no ! by such a line 
Fatherland's bounds are drawn too fine. 



What is the German Fatherland ? 

Where there 's a Journal to be scanned, 

Where there 's a Cabinet to snub, 

A sore to chafe, a raw to rub y 

<>, yes ! 0, yes! that 's BISMABCK'S line 

His Fatherland is yours and mine. 

That is the German Fatherland, 
That dares by prisoned bishops stand. 
Dares fellowship in faith avow, 
With those who to Falk-laws must bow. 
0, yes! 0, yes ! give BISMAKCK line, 
His Vaterland is yours and mine. 

That is the German Fatherland, 

Where the Press knows no Censor's band ; 

Where thought 's ungagged, and comment free, 

Though BISMARCK'S rule its subject be. 

0, yes ! 0, yes ! that 's BISMAHCK'S line 

" What's mine 's my own what 's yours is mine." 

What is the German Fatherland ? 

Where all 's not right that might has planned, 

Where civil life, from service free, 

Off-caps not to authority 

0, yes ! 0, yes ! give BISMARCK line, 

Hia Fatherland swamps yours and mine. 

No doubt the world were Fatherland, 
Its own good could it understand : 
Glad under Faust-recht to lie down, 
And bow to Blood and Iron's crown 
0. yes ! 0, yes ! when that 's my line, 
Then BISMAKCK'S Fatherland is mine ! 



THE VEST TEEM FOE IT. 



EATING half a score of plover's eggs, after a plate of lobster-salad 
and a slice or two of pigeon-pie, at one o'clock A.M., may be fairly 
called a work of supper-erogation. 



H 
ffi 



P3 

I-H 
53 



H 
tS 

50 




APBIL 17, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



169 



SIXPENCE APIECE! 

Being the urgent Appeal of an ardent Ostreophagist. 

" We have no hesitation in asserting that in two years' time native oysters 
will be retailed iu London at sixpence each." MJBSBS. PKOSSBR'S Letter to 
the 'limes. 

0, TE PBOSSKHS, prophets of evil days, 

That the price of the Native will thus on us raise ! 

Those beautiful bivalves which, witched if unwilling, 

We swallow already at four for a shilling, 

Do you wish to deaden their delicate zest, 

And plant despair in the epicure's breast ? 

May DANDO'S death Ms disciples release, 

Ere British Natives are Sixpence apiece ! 

what the deuce are those dredges at, 
Coarse rakes in Native settlements stuck. 
Disturbing their slumbers and spoiling their " spat," 
And amongst the mild molluscs running a muck ? 
'Tig an epidemic of sheer stupidity, 

A chronic seizure of crass cupidity, 

A purblind passion, that chastisement begs, 

For killing the goose with the golden egga ! 

The glutton's maw. and the rash greed of Mammon, 

Will rob us, some day, of our seals and our salmon. 

And e'en now there 's aa awfuller prospect before us, 

If we do not take summary measures and strong, 

Our Oyster, our pre-Roman native, ere long, 

Will become as extinct as the Ichthyosaurus, 

Or PROSSER the prophet, Cassandra of Holborn, 

Will have the last Native about for a show borne. 

And meanwhile prophesies prices' increase, 

Till the shops announce " Oysters, Sixpence apiece ! " 

Punch to the rescue ! Shall dredger-men selfish 
Kill out the descendants of Rutupine shell-fish ? 
Biped Natives, of black, brown, and whitey-brown binding, 
Have their missions and platforms, and keep organs grinding, 
Why should zeal for our bivalve natives be duller, 
Though their interest comes more from flavour than colour ? 
Why not (father our oysters of choicest variety 
'Neath the wings of a " Native Protection Society?" 
And what though their habits leem lounging and lazy, 
Their existence supine, and their views of life hazy ? 
Four years' snooze at a stretch may to us seem surprising, 
But why should we plague them about early rising ? 
Let 'em rest, the plump pets, in their beds 'ncath the billows, 
Sub-marine Sleeping Beauties, on seaweedy pillows ! 
Let my Oyster be love-crest, so I be the Grosser : 
Only show how her bed I can guard, MESSRS. PROSSER. 
With arrangements that promise supply just a bit stable 
>f natives from Colchester, Burnham, or Whitstable, 
What a war with my Ostrea's foemen I 'd wage, 
With what zeal I 'd go in for that Brightlingsea gauge ! 
As for those Russian gourmands, their cheek is incredible ; 
Trench on JOHN BULL'S short stock of his best marine edible ! 
Free Trade stops at Oysters, and goes quite too far if 
It raise to such figures my fishmonger's tariff : 
Nay, methinks those its gospel the furthest who'd push, '11 
Be frightened by Oysters at 12 per bushel ! 

1 appeal to your power and your palate, dear Punch, 
And most succulent memories of supper and lunch, 
By the light of your gracious omniscience examine 
The causes, and cure, of this fell Oyster famine. 

The world is mine oyster," said Pistol; but I, 
" The oyster 's my world " am more tempted to cry ; 
And fain could I wish it had been my sweet lot to 
Subsist upon bivalves, and dwell in a grotto. 

Nude or draped I should say. drest or undrest my Dea, 
[f I had my own way, would be Os not As treea. 
Then the run upon me and my molluscs abate, 
Do not see us both forced to shell out at this rate, 
But down on the dredgers, nor let the war cease, 
Till you 've banished this terror of Sixpence apiece ! 

Quite the Reverse. 

AT a meeting of the Anti-Income-tax Association, held the other 

evening in St. James's Hall, a MB. CARTLEIGH, in seconding a 

resolution against the Income-tax, " condemned the tax as un- 

S o XT me v how manT countries are there in which it is 

No ; whatever may be said against the Income-tax, it is 

English enough. 



WANTED-A SCHOOLMASTER! 




A School-Board Provincial Drama, in One Scene'and One Act. 

niUJlATIH PERSONA. 

MB. SCREWIT, Chairman of the School-Board. 



^ clive Members of the Local School-Board 

/T, ** *v/,.a 
MR. WTSK AKER, ) *" 

ME. FlTTUf, Clerk to the Committee, 

ScENf! The Committee Room. The Active Members discovered 
B. H. and L. H. of table, on which are pent, ink, and papers. 
Frrrnr, the Clerk, at R. H. corner. MR. SCBBWIT in the Chair. 

Mr. Screwit (as Chairman). Gentlemen, our duty to-day is to 
decide upon the advertisement for a Schoolmaster. 

All (unanimously). Hear! hear! 

Mr. Screwit. MR. FITTIIT has kindly consented (thinks this 

formula is too much like announcing that MR. Fnrni would kindly 
oblige with a long, and so substitutes the following) I mean, our 
Clerk has been good enough to sketch an advertisement for us. 

[Ms. FITTIN smiles modestly, blushes, blows his nose. The 
Members cough critically. 

Mr. Screwit. The best way will be for MB. FrrnN to read aloud 
his suggestions, and we can alter and amend it where required. 
(Members nod approvingly, but severely, and MB. Furor begins to 
wish that some one else had been Clerk.) We must bear in mind 
that, in advertising, we must consider the Ratepayers (Members 
shut their eyes, frown, and nod) ; and that, in fact, brevity is the 
soul of economy. (Thinks he has finished up with something uncom- 
monly like an epigram, and beams on the Members. Finding that 
only MB. FirriN takes the idea and smiles feebly, the Chairman 
resumes his business-like tone, and says, sternly,) Now, MB. FlTTls, 
if you please. 

Mr. Fittin (mildly). If you please, Sir. Ahem! (Commences, 
with something of the nervous pride of authorship, reading his com- 
position to probably adverse critics.) Wanted, a Married Man and 
nis Wife" [All shake their heads. MB. Firrm pauses. 

Mr. Smiidgem. The word "married" is unnecessary. Say "A 
Man and his Wife." [Ma. FITTIN makes the alteration. 

Chairman (suddenly). Strike out " his " also. (To the Members.) 
We must combine brevity with economy. 

All. Hear! hear! 

Mr. Fittin (having made the required alterations). "Wanted, a 
Man and Wife " 

Mr. Wyse Aker (interrupting). You must keep " his " in. 

Mr. Stickout (obstinately). Why ? The man wouldn't 'come here 
with somebody else's wife. 

Mr. Wyse Akcr (shaking his head sagely). He might, if the con- 
ditions are not clearly set out in black and white. 

Mr. Smudgem. Well then, say " a married couple." That '11 do. 
(Looking at his watch, and thinking of his early dinner.) We must 
s'ot on. 

Chairman (to the Clerk). I think you've omitted the word " cer- 
tificated." 

Mr. Fittin (deprecatingly). It comes in presently, Sir. 

Chairman. Ah ! we must have it in now. It 's most important. 
'MR. Frrrra makes the required alteration. A pause.) Now then, 
MB. FITTIN. 

Mr. Fittin (reads). "Wanted a certificated married couple " 

All (unanimously). No! no ! no ! 

Chairman (determined to show his common sense). What we want 
s a certificated man. 

Mr. Stickout. And his wife. 



170 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



17, 1875. 







COLD WITHOUT. 

" GRACIOUS HEAVENS, DOCTOR ! DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I MT/ST DO WITHOUT STIMULANTS ALTOGETHER?" 

" CrKTAIULY. IF BY ANY CHANCK YOU SHOULD FEEL A SlNKINQ BETWEEN YOUR MEALS, I DON'T OBJECT TO A TO A " 

" YKSI-YIS! " 

' WlXlOLASSFUL OF COLD \\~ATSR, YOU KNOW I " 



Mr. Smudgem. Of course. (Looking at his watch.) Now do let 's 
ge f nn. 

Mr. Wyse Aker. But it must be expressly stated that he is to be 
married. 

Mr. Stickout (surprised). Is to be married! No, he must be 
married before IIP comes here. 

Mr. Wyse Aker (pettishly}. Well, of course, that's what I 
meant. [ Thinks what a fool STICKOUT is. 

Chairman (to MR. Firm?). You had better put " A certificated 
man," with "married" in brackets. 

Mr. Stickout. And while you 're about it, sav it 's a new school. 

Mr. Smudgem. Yes, that s it. (Refers to his watch, and thinks 
what MRS. SMUDGEM will say.) Let 's get on. 

Mr. Fittin (reading}. "Wanted, a certificated man, married" 
in brackets" for a new school." 

Mr. Stickout. A mixed school ; mind, it 's mixed. 

Mi-. Smudgem (to MB. FITTIN). You can easily stick in "mixed." 

[MR. FITTIN does so. 

Chairman. Yes (hesitating) but we mustn't have more words 
than are absolutely necessary. The Ratepayers have to be con- 
bidered. (All nod assent.) Now, ME. FITTIN, how far have we got ? 

Mr. Fittin (reading, rather wearily). " Wanted, a certificated 
man, married" in brackets " for a new mixed school." 

Mr. Stickout (stoutly). Not " new mixed." It sounds like a salad. 

Chairman (who has found the suggestion of brackets already suc- 
cessful, proposes it again). Put "mixed" after "school" in 
brackets. (MR. FITTIN does so.) Now. 

[MR. FITTIN reads once more, while the Chairman looks round 
at the Board with an air of conscious pride, as much as to 
say, " You see, Gentlemen, you 'd never get on without me." 
Amendment carried. 

Mr. Stickout. You haven't said where the school is. 

Mr. Fittin. That comes later, Sir. 

Chairman. No, no, we must avoid procrastination, or else it will 
be too long. Put in the locality. Say " near Dumley." 



Mr. Wysis Aker. Near Dumley? It's two miles and three- 
quarters from Dumley. 

Mr. S/n<uigem (testily). Well, he won't want to go to Dumley 
every day. ' [Refers to his watch. 

Mr. Stickout. Still, if we say anything at all, we must be exact. 
We can't allure a uian here under false pretences. And a man has 
a right to know where he is coming to. 

All (except SMUDGEM). Of course, naturally. 

Chairman. Well urn let's see. "Two miles and three-quarters" 
is a lot to put in. Let's say " Three miles." (There being no dis- 
sentients, MR. FITTIN writes it doicn.) Now, then, ME. FITIIN. 

Smudgem. Ah ! let ; s get on. 

Mr. Fittin (reading). " Wanted, a Certificated Man (married) " 
in brackets " for a new School (mixed)" in brackets " three 
miles from Dumley." (Pauses. Relieved, by finding that there are 
no objections or suggestions, heproceeds more cheerfully.) " His re- 
muneration will be " 

Mr. Stickout (quickly). But you 've left out all about his wife. 

Mr. Fittin (gently). You will find, Sir, that I have inserted that 
later on. [All shake their heads. 

Chairman (decisively). 0, no ! that must come now, or else we 
shall never get to the end of the advertisement. We must remember 
the expense, and consider the Ratepayers. (Thinks ha will try his 
epigram again.) Brevity is the soul of 

Mr. Smudgem (interrupting brusquely). Well, you've only got to 
put in, " Wile required to assist him." 

[Looks at his watch, and thinks that if he and FlTTlN had been 
left alone, they could have knocked it all off in no time. 

Chairman (not to be put down by SMUDGEMI'S rudeness). Excuse 
me, but the wife is not '' required to assist him." That does not 
express it. 

Mr. Wyse Aker. No. She is only required to teach the children 
how to sew. 

Mr. Stickout. Well, say " Wife will instruct in sewing." 



APRIL 17, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



171 




PUNCH, A MARTYR. 

" 0, I SAY, I VE SUCH A CAPITAL STOBY FOK votr. Mr LITTLE NIECB, ONLY 

TWO YltAliS OLD " 



Chairman. We can get it shortor. BwTity is the ahem! Say "Wife 

to teach sewing." 

Mr. FMin (after making the alteration, reads.) "Wanted, a Certificated," 
&c., ' wife to teach sewing. His remuneration " 

Chairman. That 's too long a word. Say "Pay." 

Mr. Smudgem. Or " Wages." [Looks at Ais watch. 

Mr. Stickout. No, no (positively), " Salary" is the word. 

Hf.. TV/*. 1 / F,\ (4 Tt: R -_!____ 



Mr. Fittin (reads). nm oamry - 

Mr. Wyse Aker. His ? But surely the wife will be paid as well ? 

Mr. Smudgem. O, certainly. Come, let 's get on. 

Mr. Wyse. Aker. We are getting on ; but these details are most important. 
Let us say, The salary of himself and his wife - " 

Chainnan. dear no ! far too long. Say " Their salary." (All nod assent 
except MR. WTSE AKKH, icho still thinks it might be put more clearly.) Now, 
Sir! (To Mu. FITTIN.) 

Mr. Fittin (reads). "Their salary will be "-(pa*)-What do you say, 



Mr. Smudgem. Ton my word, I don't know. 
[Yawns. Wonders whether, if he isn't back in time, Mas. SMUDGEM 

ici/l keep anything hot for him. 
Mr. Stickmit. What are they giving elsewhere ? 
Mr. ll'i/sf Aker. Why not look at some other advertisements ? 
Chairman. Ah, but that '11 delay us. No ; we '11 put in blank pounds per 
annum now, and fill it up afterwards. 

Mr. Smudgem. By the way, where 's the salary to come from 9 
Chairman. From the children's pence. 
Mr. Stickout. And our proportion of the Government grant. 

ii y f ' ; 'i' r ("'<'''".'/ *''' '.V dearly). Then you can omit blank pounds, 
and call it a salary estimated at " - 

That 'I 1 make the advertisement too long. Put it this way 



- . u s way 

salary will be estimated by the children's pence weekly" (" weeklv " 
i brackets), " and the proportion of the Government grant." 
Mr ff i ,1- v [ Ms - Flr makes the alteration. 

lV ' r' "", * ou haven * sald anything about his residence. 
forfiring ""* (cheerfu "^- Ye8 ' Sir - Here il is -" With a house and allowance 
Chairman. Too long. Strike out " allowance "-or, simply say "house and 



tiring." That '11 do. (iln. STICKOCT is not quite tare 
of this, but SMUDGEM and WYSE AKEB agree, and the 
Chairman has the casting rule.) Now, ME. FlTTIN. 

Mi\ FMin (reads). " With a house and" 

Chairman (struck by a happy thought). No "firing." 
No. Sav"fuel." 

All. Yes; that 's better. 

Mr. Fittin. "With a house and fuel. Application 
to be made before the "- What day shall I say '' 

Mr. Smudgem (brushing his hat with hi* elbow). 0, any 
day. (Gets his umbrella.) Say the twelfth. 

Mr. Wyse Aker. Or thirteenth. 

Mr. Sttckout. Or twenty-first. 

Chairman. Let 'a make it " the ninth " it 's shorter. 
You see we must consider the Ratepayers. Now, MK. 
IMTTIN, read it all over. 

Mr. Fittin. " Wanted, a Certificated Man (married) " 
in brackets " for a new School (mixed) " in brackets 
-" three miles from Dumley. His wife to teach sewing. 
Their salary will be estimated from the children's pence 
(weekly)" in brackets "and a proportion 91 the 
Government grant, with a house and fuel. Application 
to be made before the ninth." 

Mr. Wyse Aker (doubtfully). I should pnt in 
"ultimo 1 ^ after "ninth." 

Mr. Stickmit. 0, certainly. It 's the regular thing. 

Chairman. But it 'a an extra word. 

Mr. Smudgem (with his hat on, and umbrella in hi* 
hand, standing up). I should certainly put "ultimo" in. 
It's in all legal documents. 

Chairman (resignedly). Very well. 
[MK. KM TIN writes in " ultimo," and reads the whole 
once again. Everybody is satisfied. Exeunt 
an, nes except MB. FITTIN. 

Mr, FMin (sitting down, and looking over the document.) 
The word " Wanted " is all that is left of my original 
draft. [Begins to re-copy, ruefully. 

Re-enter, suddenly, ME. SCBEWTT, the Chairman. 
Chairman. I've just thought that we shan't require 
the word "Wanted." You see they've got "ultimo" 
in at the end; and when we say "Application to be 
made," it implies " Wanted." So begin with " Dumley 
three miles from "in brackets. (Sees that MB. Frrrix 
makes the amendment.) Yes, that '11 do. Brevity is 
the soul of economy. (Mi. FITTIW smiles dismally.) 
There ! I think we 've done a good morning's work. 

[Exit Chairman, happily, leaving the Clerk to make 
the best he can of the advertisement as it note 
stands. MB. FlTTDf nibs a pn, tries it, pauses, 
looks at his watch, meditates, anil finally exit to 
dinner. 

Act Drop. 



Galileo Galilei. 

ME. RICHABD A. PBOCTOB deigns to say 

That GALILEO was great in his day, 

That the man who put back for us Cosmos's border, 

Though not first exactly, was of the first order. 

We knew it without this lively young doctor 

G ALI LEO does not stand in need of a PBOCTOK. 



Sad Results of Wind, String, and Weather. 

A " SUFFEHEB," reduced to idiotcy by the East wind, 
writes to ask whether the barmy breezes (so often spoken 
of by the poets) blow from the (y)east ? 

Another "Sufferer," with the same sad results from 
.he chamber-music mania of the moment, asks, by the 
same post, the difference between a tuning-fork and a 
pitch-Hoik ? 

A DEAD-LINGUIST'S BEASON FOB CREMATION. 

IT is the method which leaves nothing of the dead but 
;heir bones, and so fulfils the old and well approved 
maxim, " De mortuis nil nisi bonum." 



AN UGLY SYNONYM. The Daily News Another 
''rightful Railway Accident ! 



Tni; JCLIAN ERA. A Roman theatrical paper. 



172 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



[APRIL 17, 1875. 



LADIES OP THE LONG ROBE. 



TEMPERANCE IN THE KIRK. 



ACCORDING to the London Correspondent of the Liverpool Post . A SCOTCH Correspondent informs the Pall 

' Some time ago four 

ladies, who passed the 
London University Ex- 
amination for Women, 
entered themselves in 
the chambers of well- 
known barristers" 

Well, other ladies 
have done that 
some as clients, 
others in virtue of 
their conjugal rights 
and duties to tidy 
their husbands' 
rooms. But the sen- 
tence above broken 
off concludes with 
an explanation : 

"for the purpose 

of studying law." 

A purpose not only 
legal, but laudable. 
It is gratifying to 
learn further, re- 
specting these foren- 
sic ladies, that : 

" One of them, whoec 
term of study is closed, 
hat been engaged by a 
firm of solicitors as a 
consulting counsel,' 
and is at once to receive 
a salary larger than 
the income enjoyed by 
scores of barristers who 
liave been in practice 
lur years." 

The more employ- 
ments fit for gentle- 
men that are opened 
to ladies the better. 
Any such calling is 
better than mar- 
riage accepted 
merely as a situa- 
tion. If any girl is 
enviable by ner sex 
for the number of 
her suitors it is the 
female barrister 
whom they come to 
consult, leaving fees 
behind them, or who 
is handsomely paid 
for advice by solici- 
tors. By the way, 
who would make so 
triiod a solicitor as a 
itti-cinating woman? 
Whose solicitation 
would it be so hard 
to resist as hers? 
At the same time 
there seems some- 
thing peculiarly ap- 
propriate to a lady 
in the profession of 
the long robe. The 
admission of ladies 
to practise as barris- 
ters and solicitors 
would probably have 
a certain special 
effect on Nisi prius 
business. Increase 
of remunerative em- 
ployment for women 

would doubtless be attended with a corresponding diminution of 
mercenary espousals, and proportionally of actions for breach of 
promise of marriage. 




"A SHOT FROM A STERN-CHASER." 

Mistress. " DID YOU 'MAKE IT UP' WITH MRS. TARRAOON" (this was the Cook, who 
had been very unpopular doiim-slairs, and had left to be married to aflourishmg Greengrocer in 
the Neighbourhood) " BEFORE SHE WENT, JANE?" 

Lady's Maid. " 0, YES, 'M, WE PARTED QUITE FRIENDLY, M'UM, BUT I SAYS TO HER, 

I SAYS, JUST AS SHE WAS A GETTIN 1 INTO THE CAB, ' EALTH AND 'APPINESS, I WISH YER, 

MRS. TARRYGON,' I SAYS, ' BUT I SHOULD 'A THOUGHT AS MB. BROCKLEY MIGHT 'A 

CHOSE A YOUNGER AND A BETTER-LOOKIN' WOMAN,' I SAYS ! I !" 



THE BEST MILITAET DRAWING. Drawing your Pay. 



brandy and sherry was dictated rather by 
temperance than by a spirit of mean economy. 



MM Gazette that the 
Perth Town Council 
the other day, by 
sixteen votes against 
four, resolved in 
future to discon- 
tinue a grant of 20 
yearly for supplying 
brandy and sherry 
to the Kirk Ses- 
sions of the parish 
churches. One does 
not see what need 
there was for th 
Kirk Sessions to be 
supplied withbrandy 
and sherry, unless 
perhaps in order 
that they might dis- 
cuss Kirk matters as 
the ancient Scyth- 
ians, we read in 
Tristram Shandy, 
used to debate their 
affairs once drunk, 
that their coun- 
sels might not want 
vigour, and then 
again sober, in order 
that they might not 
lack discretion. The 
minority of the 
Perth Town Coun- 
cillors, perhaps, fa- 
voured this view ; 
moreover one of 
them said that "if 
brandy had been 
known in St. Paul's 
time, he would have 
included that liquor 
with wine as good 
for the stomach." 
Brandy, not having 
been known in St. 
Paul's time, has at 
least the merit that, 
like punch, as the 
Ordinary of New- 
gate tells Jonathax 
Wild, "It is no- 
where spoken 
against in Scrip- 
ture." Of course ; 
as it is nowhere 
spoken of. Whiskey, 
however, may be 
said to be named, 
in Greek at least, if 
after POKSON we may 
call it To'Se. As a 
national intoxicat- 
ing liquor too, Scotch 
Presbyterians might 
naturally esteem 
whiskey more ortho- 
dox than brandy. 
Whiskey is cheaper 
than brandy too. Let 
us, however, suppose 
the majority of the 
Perth Town Council- 
lors to be total ab- 
stainers, and believe 
that their deter- 
minationnot to allow 
the gentlemen of 
the Kirk Sessions 

a solicitude for strist 



JEWELL'S APOLOGY. Paste. 



Printed by Jo.cph Smith, of No. 30 Loralne Road, Hollowly, in the Parilh of St. Mary. Miuirton, | n the County of Middle***, at the Printing OfHcei of Moan. Bradbury, Agnev, 4 Oo., Lombard 
Dtitet, In the Precinct of whitetrun, In the City of London, and published by him at No. 95, Fleet Street, in the Pariah of St. Bride, City of London. 3Tcu>i, April 17, 1879. 



24, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



173 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




JT 



E LAKGALnULEUt. 

Monday, April 12 (Lords). 
When Parties fall out, Justice 
may come by its own. No such 
chance for a hard case as coming 
between a Government that is 
going out and one that is coming 
in. A Minister is to candid when 
sitting on the acts 
of his predecessor. 



was even luckier 
in such a predica- 
ment than in the 
ardent and honest 
advocacy of BISHOP 
COLENSO. And then 
LOHD CABNABVON 
has a head, as well 
as a will of his own 

and there seems no reason to doubt that when h 
reversed the Colonial Court's action, and recalled 
GOVEBNOB PINE, in re LANOALIBALELE, and that in 
the teeth of Colonial feeling and opinion, he acted 
under coercion of his very best judgment. If Pumk 
had felt any doubt about it, the sifting of the matter 
to-night, in the Lords, would have satisfied him. If 
this is the best case two such advocates as LORD GRI v 
and LORD K m HERLE Y can .make, LORD CARNARVON'S 
is a better. 

(Commons.) Lewis is rapidly becoming a name of 
fear. All the questioning capacity of MB. DARIIY 
GBIFFITH seems to have become concentrated in the 
Clan Lewis. What is there MB. C. LEWIS does not mean to call 
attention to and does not wish to know? And now to-night 
()., treading on the heels of C. of that ilk, proceeded to ask 
MB. DISRAELI whether Prussia had not addressed a " menacing" 
despatch to Belgium, and what steps England would take to main- 
tain Belgian neutrality and independence, if endangered. 

MB. DISRAELI, in reply, expatiated on the superfluity of 
epithets. The German note was one not of menace, but of 
remonstrance " friendly remonstrance" was a familiar phrase 
so let us say " friendly " note, not " menacing." (By the way, 
isn't "friendly" an epithet, too?) "When the neutrality of 
Belgium is threatened, Her Majesty's Government will do their duty to their Sovereign, and not be afraid to meet Parliament." 

A personal duello between SIB L. PALK and SIR H. JAMES. SIB H. has held briefs in matters rising out of the Paraguayan Loan. 
biB L. PALK had asked a question on the subject,'conveying, as far as we can understand^, the imputation that SIR H. JAMES was trying to 
get out, through the Select Committee information which the Court has refused to help him to. It is inferred that SIR L. PALK'S question 
is prompted by the financiers chiefly implicated in the Honduras Loan. People will put " this " and "that" together. 

Substantial progress made in Committee on Artisans' Dwellings Bill. MR. FAWCETT, still in the sulks with the Bill, complains of 
the want oi machinery to compel Local Authorities to build up after they have pulled down. MB. CBOSS believes in Local Authorities, 
"hen Home Secretaries do take to believing, their faith is wonderful. SIB SYDNEY WATEBLOW knows more about Improvement of 
Dwellings than MB. CROSS, or anybody in the House, indeed, and he thinks it would be well to give the Confirming Authonty power to 
compel the Local. MB. CROSS put his foot down for his clauses, and neither MR. FAWCETT nor SIB SYDNEY took anything by their Motions. 

Tuesday (Lords). Justices' of the Peace qualification will have to go like other qualifications. LORD ALIIEMARLE'S Bill takes the 
first step to its abolition. 

(Commons.) MB. C. LEWIS moved that the Times and Daily News have been guilty of a breach of privilege in reporting a letter 
Irom MR. HERRAN (Honduras Minister at Paris) to the Chairman of the Foreign Loans Committee, read before the Committee but 
not reported to the House. MR. LEWIS explained that he took this step because this letter contained a libel on a Member of Parliament. 
MR. HERRAN'S letter was read by the Clerk. Then followed a curious scene. It seemed, for a while, as if MR. LEWIS could find 
no backer. But a backer was at last found BIGGAB could hardly have been desired. Then MB. TORRENS tried to draw MB. 
LOWE, and MR. LOWE would not be drawn. Then there was a fight between Ayes and Noes, and Noes all but had it; but 
UIGOAR stood in the breach for the Ayes, and ere the three-minute-glass ran out, the Ayes rallied, and " had it " over the Noes. 
Ihen came MR. C. LEWIS'S Rider, "That the printers of the Times and Daily News be brought before the bar of the House." 
1 his was more serious. Nobody had the presence of mind to move the previous question. 

j i B : DISRAELI repeated MR. TORRENS'S attempt to draw MR. LOWE with the same lack of success. The MARQITIS OF HABTINGTON 
declared MR. LOWE would not be drawn. 



Why, asked MB. WATKIN WILLIAMS, try to cripple the Foreign Loans Committee from behind the Tii 
Ihen Bn W. HARCOURT dashed into the melee " a big rough stone "the ugly word " lobbying." 



'imes and Daily Newt f 



worse-confounded. 



' lobbying." Thereupon followed confusion 



In spite of MB. BRIGHT' s warning of the absurd position the House would put itself in, by caliingita own organs of 
publicity to its baron a charge of having used the speaking-trumpets supplied them by the House's own hand, MR. DISRAELI was ill- 
advised enough to vote with MR. LEWIS, and the citation of the Times to the bar of the House was voted by 204 to 153, of the Daily yews 



YOL. LXTTU. 



174 



PUNCH, OR TKE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 24, 1875. 




THE ULSTER. 

Schoolboy (to Brown, in his new great-coat). " YAH I COME otrr OF IT ! 

THINK I DON'T SEB YBE ! ! " 



D' YOU 



TOO CONSERVATIVE COMMONS. 
(A Calinet]Carol.) 

BEHOLD a Conservative House, of a kind 
Which transcends a Conservative Government's mind, 
With Conservative views which to objects relate 
Besides "things as they are," and beyond "Church 
and State." 

Conservatives see, and Protectionists too 
In their own kind of way being Liberals as true 
To protect Ancient Monuments voting, in spite 
Of the lord of the soil, whose domain is their site. 

"What! Infringe "Vested Rights," whose defence is 

a need 

Above all in the pristine Conservative creed, ^ 
And for mere sentimental Conservative ends ? 
Save the good old Conservative cause from r such 

friends ! 

To a Railway, indeed, 'tis most fit that his field 
Any Landlord should have on compulsion to yield, 
And all schemers be chartered his ground to invade, 
In the paramount interest of Commerce and Trade. 

But what is the use of preserving old bones, 
To moulder beneath cairns and cromlechs and stones, 
"Which for injury done to a man will atone 
When by law you 've compelled him to part with his 
own? 

Conservatives, must not thus Landlords coerce, 
Except with regard to a Corporate Purse ; 
If proprietor's option of sale you control, 
Be it only for Property's sake on the whole. 

Such injustice to do private parties forbear, 

That the Public may reap any profit whate'er, 

Save material wealth, which makes biggest wrongs 

small, 
And let Great Breeches Pocket reign King over all. 



A WHOLESOME REFLECTION. The man who knows 
all about drains and such like sanitary contrivances, 
may fairly be ranked as a Connoissewer. 



by 199 to 155. There must be more in the matter than meets the 
eye of the outsider for to that organ it .seems as if the House had 
spent the evening in making an ass of itself. There, let them call 
Mr. Punch to the Bar for that if they like. " Me, me adsum qui 
fed, in me convertite ferrum." 

SIE W. FKAZER, much scandalised by the Greville Memoirs, wants 
protection for the dead from posthumous libel. The ATTORNEY- 
GENERAL said the law gave damages for libel to the dead, if the 
living chose to sue for them. Would the ATTORNEY-GENERAL 
advise Mr. Punch to take proceedings for scandal touching on his 
deceased grandmother ? SIR W. FKAZEH took nothing by his Motion, 
but an opportunity of speaking his mind very plainly of MR. 
GREVILLE and his Memoirs. 

MR. B. COCHRANE wants our Government to withdraw from the 
Declaration of Paris, which abolished privateering and paper blockades, 
and gave to goods, except contraband of war, the benefit of the flag 
they are shipped under. MR. BOXJRKE, for Government, declined 
the suggestion ; whereupon Sin W. HARCOZTBT applauded the De- 
claration, and Government for sticking to it ; and MR. COCHHANE, 
against his will, had to take a defeat by 261 to 36. 

Wednesday, MR. WHALLEY was forced to put back into his hat 
an illegal petition from MR. SKEPWOHTH, one of the four sane 
and educated (?) believers in ORTON, praying that his fine of 500 
for contempt of Court, which somebody else had paid, might be 
refunded to such imbecile somebody. Refunded, indeed! serves 
him quite right. 

On SIB J. LTOBOCK'S Ancient Monuments Bill, the House held high 
tournament Rights of Property ?-. Relics of the Prehistoric. The 
odds are, we fear, decidedly on Rights against Relics, and this though 
SIR JOHN carried his Bill by 187 to 165. It is doomed to a Select Com- 
mittee, and will certainly not come out of that limbo this Session if 
ever. The matter and machinery of the Bill both want some looking 
into, though both its object and many of jits provisions have 
Mr. Punch's hearty support. He has a barrow of his own which he 
means to offer SIR J. L. the picking of, one of these days. 

Thursday (Lords). Such a competition among their Lordships in 
the way of abuse, contempt, and depreciation of the DUKE OF RICH- 
MOND'S Agricultural Holdings Bill, that Punch can't help thinking 



there must be more in the Bill than he had believed, for all its 
seeming lack of back-bone. 

(Commons.} The Budget hut first the briskest Debate of the 
Session on Heaven save the mark! the Prittlewell Petition. 

" What great events from little causes spring ! " 

This is a petition of the Kenealy brand, imputing corruption to the 
Judges in the Tichborne Trial, demanding inquiry thereinto, and 
asking, by implication, impeachment of the SPEAKER, for declaring 
that such petitions are illegal. 

MR. DISRAELI moved that the Petition be not received, not 
because it asked for inquiry into alleged misconduct of Judges, 
but because it suggested impeachment of the SPEAKER. 

Now, nobody in the House, or out, wants to limit the right of peti- 
tion. But everybody in the House, or out, feels that Petitions of 
this kind, and from this source, are a nuisance, to be, sooner or later, 
got rid of for good and all, but, meanwhile, not to be trifled with how- 
ever contemptible, or laughed at however ridiculous. So the House 
would not take SIR WILFRID'S advice to pooh-pooh the Petition as 
"rubbish," and pass on to the Budget. MR. MACDONALD hit the 
right nail on the head said nail being DR. KENEALY. He was the 
root of these attacks. He had given notice of his intention to move 
a Resolution on the Tichborne Trial. He was here in the House 
to move it. Let him move it, or for ever after hold his peace. 

DR. KENEALY, after some big talk, distinctly pledged himself that 
if he had sent to him any Petition ^praying inquiry into the 
conduct of the Judges on the Tiehborne Trial he would urge its 
prayer for inquiry ; but without such Petition, not. Incidentally 
he apologised for addressing Honourable Members as Gentlemen. 

MR. BRIOHT lectured the Doctor, with all his old force and fire, 
but might have kept his breath to cool his porridge. The Doctor 
will only move with the support of Petitions. Those who believe in 
him ought to be able to send him plenty. But now the Doctor has 
taken |his ground, let him, by all means, be kept to it. Punch 
doubts if humbug be as immortal as DEAN MILMAN thought, and 
SIR WILFRID believes. So doubting, he does not despair of the 
collapse of KENEALY. 

COLONEL LOYD- LINDSAY exhibited to the House some dew- 



APRIL 24, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



175 



drops shaken off the Linn's mane, through the columns of the 
Englishman, over his Honourable fell<>w-Mi mtiers. Here are a 
few of these bright particular stars : "Dirty dogs," "fitter tenants 
for a pigstye, than the House of Commons." " 1 .nw mongrels," " at 
their drunken dinner-tablet, surrounded by persons as drunk, or 
ignorant, or foolish as themselves, or in their counting-houses, 
where they concoct the frauds by which ships are lost, and sailors are 
drowned, and insurance-offices pillaged, and creditors defrauded." 
It has been well observed by a contemporary that when the House 
is calling 1 printers of newspapers to its bar, it should not forget 
that the Editor of the Englishman has a seat on its benches. 

In the end, the House having refused to receive the Petition by 
391 to 11. SIB STAFFORD NORTUCOTE got the languid attention of the 
thinnest House that ever listened to a Budget Speech to the emptiest 
Budget ever brought forward whert of the sense and substance is 
in effect- 
No Surplus ; 

No Taxes to he taken tff ; 
No Taxes to be put on. 

No Surplus, we say, for what is 000,000 surplus on an income of 
75,000,000 but only not a deficit 't And what is tiiO.OOO Licence- 
duty taken off the little Brewers, but only not absolute slatit quo of 
taxation ? 

Having nothing to say about the Budget proper, SIR STAFFORD 
occupied his two hours and a half by developing a plan for paying 
off the National Debt. He proposes that, from two years hence, 
28,000,000 shall be annually devoted to the Debt. By this means, 
he calculates that, in thirty years, with the little helps of casual 
surpluses and terminable annuities, as at present, we may extin- 
guish -2i:i,(K)0,000 of debt ! Sanguine SIK STAFFORD! All Punch 
can say is, May SIR STAFFORD live to see it, and may Punch be 
there to clap him on the shoulder ! 
Friday, 

Alas, when TOM THUMB brought his Giants to Bar, 
The House had resolved TOMMY'S triumph to mar, 
So it snubbed the e-mail hero, and cut his cock's comb, 
And it said to the Giants " You'd better go home. 
It was all a mistake ; what we wished you to tell, 
We can get at without you, we find, just as well." 
The Kenealy Slush-pot has boiled over at last. Forced to the 
wall by COLONEL LOYD-LINDSAY, MB. CROSS, MB. BRIGHT, MR. 
MACDONALD, and MB..WADDY, the Lion tried to frighten the House 
by an awful hint of what would oome, if, after he had made his 
Motion, the House negatived it. Of course, if the House wasn't 
frightened, he wasn't only don't let the House say he, the Lion, 
had not warned it. Meanwhile the House still stands, and so does 
COLONEL LOYD-LINDSAY'S Motion to expunge DR. KKNEALY'S notice 
from the journals on Monday pending expunction of more of the 
Doctor than his motion. 




*WN 




HERO, IF NOT LEANDER. 

OTTON the buoyant may not qutte have made 

Boulogne from Dover, 
But we own his venture a sober one, now 

we 've seen him half-seas over. 
If he can't exactly buoy a ton, he at least 

has proved he con buoy 
Three hundred pounds, tor fifteen hours, 

gay, if not as .a sand -, as a man-buoy. 

The "silver streak" may well feel small, 

now it no longer able is 
To keep ill) its reputation as " ttauor die- 

o ,, 
OCtOOMM, 

With HAWKSIIAW under-tunnelling, and 

BESSEMER and DICEY 
Swing - salooning and twin-shipping o'er 

that anything but nice sea. 

But we hud thought, spite of tunnel, and 

swinging-saloon and twin-ship. 
The Channel would have laughed to scorn a mere india-rubber-skin - 

ship, 

Knocked the wind out of its water-proof, made stop-cocks unavail- 
ing, 
Nor, the wearer once in, let him out, for any amount of baling. 

So no wonder if, like Her Majesty, Punch felt a little nervous. 
When BOYTON took his leap in the dark, in the Channel Sea 

proteryous, 

And at starting, from the paddles of the night- tide Dover packet, 
Had a narrow escape of having a hole knocked in bis air-tight 

jacket. 

He was warned 'gainst the Warne tide- way by each Pilot that that 

way knows ; 
The French coast was sure, in derision, to stick Scorn's thumb to 

its Grey-nose ; 
The breakers would smash his air-cells in, the currents old gooseberry 

With his sails' and paddles, would toss him up, like a drowned rat, 
some distant bay in, 

But he would go in, if not over ; and like Foreign-Loan-Stock high- 
quoted, 

Was duly inflated, rigged, sent out, and for many hours really 
floated, 

Till when it grew dark, and the pilot declined the Captain longer 
to lie by, 

He was hauled, willy-nilly, aboard the tug, stripped, rubbed down, 
and put to bye-bye. 

Then bravo to BOYTON'S fifteen hours float, and the gallantry that 

nerved it ! 
If he hasn't quite achieved success, he has done more, quite 

deserved it. 
And may his next essayr-t/ there 's a next at trans-Channel 

floatation, 
Find kinder tides, and more qualified guides to pilot the navigation. 

The first day Punch has nothing to do, we will put on the apparatus, 
And though more used to blowing, than being blown, up, will let 

CAPTAIN B. inflate us ; 
And if the wind keep the water out, and the rocking our brains 

don't addle, 
Not d la MACGREGOR our own canoe, but our own Punchy person 

we '11 paddle, 

And let ourselves be tossed not in a blanket, but on the billow ; 
With air for fur about our coat, air for feathers in our pillow ; 
And if we must go to sea, it shall be with a BOYTON dress our trunk 

in, 
Though we trust we shall ne'er have to try it on, a shipwreck's serious 

funk in. 

A Primitive Race. 

IT is pleasant to see that the Members of our Learned Societies 
take an interest in the affairs of the humbler ranks of their fellow- 
creatures. Only this last week, at the Anthropological Institute, a 
paper was read " On the People of the Long Barrow Period." 
Surely there can be no difficulty in identifying these people .with 
the costermongers we see (and hear) to this day in our streets. 



HINDOO DIGEST. Curry and Mulligatawny Institutes of Menu. 



176 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APBIL 24, 1876. 




AN ATTACHED DEPENDANT. 

Lady (particularly solicitous about tlie Health of the Elder Mrs. Jenkins}. " EB CAN YOU TJSLL MB HOW OLD MM. JENKINS is ? " 
Sutler (severely). " CAN'T SAT, MA'AM ! To TKLL THB TRUTH, MA'AM, I DON'T FEEL JPSTIFIED, AS AN OLD SERVANT OF 
THE FAMILY, IN TELLING MY MISTRESS'S AGK TO NOBODY." 



THE CARDINAL'S CANTERBURY PILGRIMS. 

HEBE 's a welcome to His Amplitude, and, fair Sirs, rest you merry, 
New Pilgrims to St. Thomas's Church new opened in Canterbury 
St. Thomas grant you his blessing, but not his fate ; from that 
May His Amplitude's hat save His Amplitude's head, and His 
Amplitude's head his hat. 

See the strange whirligigs of time : beneath the Protestant frown 
Of a Protestant Dean in a Protestant Church made out of St. 

Thomas's crown, 
Here's His Amplitude CARDINAL MANNING, red-hot from the kiss of 

the POPE, 
A new Romish Church of St. Thomas, in Canterbury, to ope. 

With an Archbishop, and Bishops from far more than the four sees, 
And mitred Abbots and Priors, of divers orders and degrees, 
And Monks of all colours, and Canons of different calibre and bore, 
And Peers by the dozen, and Baronets, and blue-blood Squires by 
the score, 

With what Protestants call their mops and mows and mummeries of 

the Mass, 
'Mid clouds of incense to blind, and gloom and glitter of painted 

glass, 

All in these days of BISMARCK and Falk-Laws, have met here, 
Catholics in this Protestant land, without let, hindrance, or fear. 

It is not that we love their worships' ways, or the Shibboleths of 

their creed, 
Or believe their POPE'S infallibility, or their Church's power to 

lead; 

But that from English history one lesson we have learned, 
Since Protestants racked Catholics, and Catholics Protestants burned. 

Which is, that Oppression never yet could stamp Opinion out, 
Though Persecution, often, to Faith may have altered Doubt. 



So we leave St. Thomas's pilgrims free to open their church as they 

choose, 
And to put boiled peas, or unboiled, or none, ad libitum, in their 

shoes. 

The worst thing they 're like to suffer is a good-natured rat-tat 
From Punch's bdt/m upon the crown of the Cardinal's new red hat. 
And e'en while Punch raps, the Cardinal 's free, underneath that 

hat, worthy man, 
Towards forcing belief in the POPE, like peas, to do, may Punch 

say, Yat-he-can ? 



SAXON CALUMNIES. 

IT will not have escaped the notice of a warm-hearted and affec- 
tionate, but sensitive and irascible, People, that, in the Weather 
Chart heading the daily Meteorological Report in the Times, their 
own native Isle of the Ocean appears from day to day marked with 
notes of its condition, which are mostly alternations of "Dull," 
" Fog," and " Gloomy." Is this the way in which the Clerk of the 
Observatory Weather Office dares to stigmatise, and defame, and 
cast his dirty diurnal slurs on "the first flower of the earth and 
first gem of the sea ? " Is there not, even among the representatives 
of Home Rule themselves, one single Member that will vindicate the 
fair fame and honour of poor Old Ireland, and enliven a dull debate 
some evening by asking this question in the House of Commons ? 



Paying the Piper. 

WE learn that ME. ALBERT GRANT has asked the Metropolitan 
Board of Works to allow a Military Band to play in Leicester 
Square every Saturday afternoon, and has offered to defray the cost of 
the band. This request of MR. GRANT'S might as well be granted, 
as the payment of the band will necessitate no grant ot public 
money a grant sufficient for that purpose being GEANT himself. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APBIL 24, 1875. 




TOM THUMB THE GREAT! 

AS REPRESENTED BY MR. C. LEWIS IN THE RECENT " EXTRAVAGANZA " AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL, 
ST. STEPHEN'S. (BUT THEY ROBBED HIM OF HIS GIANTS, AFTER ALL.) 



APRIL 24, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




CAPTAIN BOYTON OUTDONE. 

Dated from No. 18. 6d., Colney-IIatch Aquarium. 

HAT you, our dear Punch, 
will not assist in the com- 
bination to crush me, I 
feel very sure. My ad- 
vertisements and letters 
to the papers were all 
burked and nare'd, so that 
when the principal re- 
porters should have been 
witnessing my glorious 
feat of crossing the Chan- 
nel, they were assisting 
at the apparent triumph 
of my rival, who, sooner 
or later, will have to ac- 
count to me for his posses- 
sion of what was my 
secret. How it got out I 
don't know. It must 
have leaked out somehow. 
But, hush ! I am sur- 
rounded by spies from 
the Aquarium, and my 
worst enemy is that 
wicked old Slyboots, the 
Eight -Footed Sea Cat, 
first cousin to the Cat- 
with-Nine- Tails, lately 
come ashore and imprisoned need I say I mean that worst of all 
pusses the Octopuss '( Vengeance ! But to proceed. 

My name is Norwood. On the Sydenham Hills my father feeds 
his fish a frugal Swain, whose name may be seen on many of your 
admirable illustrations as the Woodcutter of Bradbury Street, and 
for many generations I personally have been celebrated for my in- 
ventions for saving my own life at sea, and for going into the 
water without getting your feet wet. Long ago, I was unanimously 
elected Captain of the Dover Strait-Waistcoats, and Senior Warden 
of the Never- sink ports. That, Sir, is the sort of man / am. I was 
born for the sea! Can ducks swim f I am the Dux of all the 
Ducks, the admired of all admirers, and, by a large and distin- 
guished circle, I am known as " Floating FRANK of Finsbury." I 
have of ten "climbed the North Pole for a leg of mutton, and I wear 
Seals on my watch-chain. Ireland was the land of my birth, and I 
have never changed it. I am buoyant, for in me, Sir, you may 
recognise the Cove of Cork t 

My mother was in the heyday of youth and beauty, the most per- 
fect Diving Belle ever known ; and my father, peace be to his 
memory (he had lost his memory very early, poor thing !) was the 
biggest Buoy in the Harbour. He was the lad for fun ! Buoys and 
girls come out to play ! He was hand and glove with the aristocracy, 
for he knew all the chief piers all over the world, and was an 
honorary member of the House of Quays. 

What more can be wanted to prove my right and title to invent a 
life-preserver at sea? It is a simple contrivance, loaded at both 
ends, so that it will never sink, as long as you hold it above 
water ; and one tap on the head of anyone you may see swimming 
about near you, or who you may think is coming to catch hold of 
you, sends him to the bottom at once. It is magnificent ! Whack ! 
and down he goes ! Bedad and belay, will you tread on the tail of 
my diving-dress ? 

Well, Sir, thus armed, I defied my pursuers, and plunged into 
the sea at three P.M. But the point of my departure I must still 
keep secret, as it was so dark, that no one of the many hundreds 
and thousands, which you '11 always see on the top of Twelfth- 
night cakes and sweetmeats, there assembled, could see the point 
at all. 

I only want a few things to render my invention perfect : 
Firstly A sufficient floating capital, necessary in all specula- 
tions. (The Venetian Blind Asylum wants to mortgage Venice on 
my account, as being the finest floating capital in Europe ; and I 
have written to the DOGE to thank him for his offer of his own 
gondola, rowed by his own Chandeliers, to accompany me on my 
voyage.) 

Secondly A Sinking Fund, in cose of accidents, which will 
provide for my little buoys when I am gone. 
Fourthly A Screw, warranted quiet in harness, for the Captain's 

Fifthly Something else, I don't know exactly what, but with 
power to add to its number. 

At Two A.M. I began by warming the sea. When it was heated 
up to my temperature, I shook hands with mvself and stepped in. 
"Brayvo, CAPTAIN LIFE BCOYTON, R.N. by N.E.," they shouted, 



and in another moment I was paddling away at the rate of sixty 
sailor's knots an hour (Fahrenheit) towards the coast of France. 

I was stuck all over with fireworks and sea-kale, and sent up a 
bouquet of night-lights and rockets every other minute, while with 
my left hand I turned the handle of the floating barrel-organ, filled 
with all the tunes of all the operas. That 's why they won't be able 
to bring out anything new this season. All my clothes were 
reversible, so as to be ready for returning. I appeared first as 
Pickwick, then as Rolla and the Child, then as the Fair Maid of 
Perth, then as Go-diver (an original idea of my own), and finally as 
a portrait of several gentlemen not mentioned in the Catalogue. 

The youngest son of a Baronet offered to accompany ma, but I 
declined, with tears. A choir of swimming boys, as members of the 
surplice population, accompanied me, dressed as Tritons, in Mac- 
konockie mackintoshes, and blowing conohs and South Sea bubbles. 

It was a splendid sight. Rockets in all directions, Catherine- 
wheels, blue lights, Bengal tigers, banjos, accordions with phos- 
phorus whirling through the air, and myself, in my own patent 
dress, calmly sailing, like a nautilus, with one of CHRISTIE AND 
MANSON'S largest Sales tied to my larboard foot, while another was 
fixed to the great toe of my port foot, as a first-rate cure for the 
gout. Away ! 

I steered by my own compass, which is two notes within the 
octave of St Stephen's, Westminster, and should have won my 
wager in the appointed time but for the interruption of Villains 
who seized me at the last moment, and, in spite of my vigorous 
resistance, made with a sharp pew-opener in one hand, and my ex- 
plosive gazogene life-preserver, charged with Seidlitz powder, in the 
other, I was captured and forced to return to the Secret Aquarium, 
where I am now held in durance, and only manage to send this oif 
secretly by the first cousin of the late Talking Fish, who married 
the Whistling Oyster, and who is going up to town for a holiday. 
Publish this to the world, but do not tell tnat you received it from 
a victim of persecution, who signs himself 

Everest yours, 

To Admiral Punch. THE Covg OF CORK, OR THE 

EKAL OCH ! Tonre ! 



SHOOTING IN ALL SEASONS. 

WANTED a sufficient Essay on shooting of a certain kind ; a satis- 
factory Treatise on Shooting Rubbish. At present Rubbish is shot 
into all manner of places where it should not be, especially into 
streams where it kills the fish, and offends the nose. In the Times 
" J. L. W." denounces a " scheme of a most abominable kind on 
foot to defile and render unlovely for ever " the Valley of Mickleham, 
which he describes as " this most charming of English valleys." 
He says : 

" Thin ill-advised scheme is to convert the valley into an utlet for tbe 
sewage of the town of Dorking, to spread the odious refuse of that town orer 
the fair meadows that now make a delightful field-way to Mickleham, and 
which then could be BO no longer." 

The originator of this scheme, MR. PEREGRINE BtnrcE, explains 
that the sewage of Dorking already pollutes " the scanty waters of 
the Mole," which partly subterranean river runs " beneath the 
' beautifully wooded hills ' referred to." MR. BONCE also pleads 
that "The 'Mickleham Valley" would not be turned 'into a 
sewage farm,' but only about twelve acres of it." Only ! Twelve 
acres of the most charming of English valleys is no small portion of 
a little Paradise to deform by transforming it to a sewage farm. If 
possible, Rubbish ought not to be shot here ; but then neither ought 
it to be shot into the Mole. At present there is nothing for it but 
to defile the water or manure the land, and the question is how and 
where else than on the one or into the other is the rubbish to be shot '( 

Progressive increase of population implies progressive increase of 
rubbish. On the limited area of a little island such progress must 
necessitate the shooting of rubbish into every open space and fluent 
outlet, and ultimately the conversion of the country into a rubbish- 
heap intersected with drains, unless some clever fellow shall discover 
some method of shooting rubbish by means of chemistry into tome- 
thing 'good or useful manufactures, or food, or perfumes or of 
shooting it away. Or else we shall soon be plagued worse than the 
Egyptians were, and loathe to walk on the land as well as to drink 
of the river. 

At present, Cremation is the only way of inoffensively shooting 
rubbish. It certainly shoots rubbish dead. Given all sorts of 
rubbish, the problem is, how to shoot as much of it as we cannot 
utilise inodorously into the air. Whoever shall demonstrate this, 
ought to be handsomely rewarded. 



PARLIAMENTARY NUISANCE. The Disorder of the Day DR. 
KENKALT'S Notice of Motion. 



180 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[APRIL 24, 1875. 




"IT'S AN ILL WIND BLOWS NOBODY GOOD." 



MUSICAL REVIVALISM. 

GOOD MK. PUNCH, 

I HEAR that one of MK. BASKET'S hymns is now 
being whistled in the streets, which I take it is the 
height of musical popularity. Perhaps it may he through 
his influence that a street-organ while I write is actually 
performing the "Hallelujah Chorus!" Fact, Sir, on 
my honour ! Within my hearing at this minute (which 
is, to speak minutely, the twenty-second past the hour 
of four on Friday afternoon), the grandest work of 
HANDEL is being played, in a small way, by the turning 
of a handle! Am I to give my thanks to MESSRS. 
M. & S. for this amazing treat : As instruments in 
their good cause, are the Revivalists beginning to con- 
vert the barrel-organs ? Is Christy, about to be super- 
seded by Christian, Minstrelsy ? 

I remain, Sir, Yours, as MRS. GAMP would say, 

A Fox's MABTYH. 

P.S. (Half-past Four.) The barrel-organist has 
finished the lt Hallelujah Chorus," and, by way of a 
neat sequel, has struck up " La Mandolinata." 



Ortonism and Orthography. 

IT was announced the other day that MR. WHALLEY, 
in the House of Commons, would " call attention to 
the petition signed by ANTHONY BIDDULPH and others, 
praying for a free pardon to CASTRO alias TICHBORNK." 
Is there not one BIDDULPH whose name OBTON alias 
CASTRO was 'reported to have written Bipoup-thus 
seeming to confound, with a slight mistake in spelling, 
an aristocrat with an auctioneer? Apparently MR. 
BIDDULPH is a gentleman of education, and bears no 
malice. 

Inevitable. 

IF FOBSYTH opes to spinsters 

The House of the Nation, 
What else can we have 

But Mis-representation ? 



THE FAMILY BUDGET. 

A MEETING was held in the library of the mansion belonging to 
JOHN SMITH, ESQ., on Tuesday last, to consider the annual financial 
statement of MRS. SMITH. MR. SMITH occupied his usual chair, 
and MRS. SMITH was accommodated with a seat on the sofa. 
Amongst those present were the MISSES SMITH (4), JOHN SMITH, 
ESQ., Jnn., and MASTERS TOMMY and HARRY SMITH. CHARLES 
DASHLEIGH, ESQ. (nephew of MRS. SMITH), was also in attendance. 

MRS. SMITH opened the proceedings by explaining that the 
holding of the Meeting had been strongly opposed by the Chairman 
(MB. J. SMITH).' She regretted to say that she had been compelled 
to resort to force to gain admittance. (" Shame .' ") But skill had 
overcome power. (" Hear, hear .' ") The library fire had been pur- 
posely allowed to expire ; and when the Chairman rang for fresh 
fuel, an entrance had been secured under cover of the coal-scuttle. 
(Cheers.) However, there they were; and they were well satis- 
fied to let matters rest. She would explain as briefly as pos- 
sible the position of affairs. This year the grant for Millinery 
would have to be materially increased, as trains were growing 
longer and longer day by day. Moreover, full evening dress was 
beginning to be worn again at the Opera. Meat was never dearer, 
and, in spite of the " Stores," grocery of all kinds was excessively 
expensive. The Meeting would remember that twelve months since 
an additional grant had to be made to pay for the brougham ; but 
this sum would not be saved this year, as it had already been expended 
in purchasing a box at Covent Garden. (" O .' O!" from the 
Chairman.) There was also a great increase in the item, " &c." 
Last year " &c." amounted to 874 5s. &d. this year " &c." had 
increased to 1,202 4s. l\d. 

The CHAIRMAN said he would like to have a list of the items in- 
cluded in the term " &c." 

MRS. SMITH had no doubt but what he would. (Laughter.) She 
could only say that " &c." meant lots of things. (" Hear, hear .' ") 
For instance, the children's schooling, bouquets, subscriptions to the 
Circulating Library, and, in fact, a lot of other things she could not 
remember at the moment. It saved a great deal of time and trouble 
to put the things down in a round sum. ("Hear, hear!") To 
meet this expenditure, she looked, as usual, to the cheque-book and 



banking account of MB. SMITH the gentleman now occupying the 
Chair. (Cheers.) 

Miss SMITH complained of the small grant allowed for pin-money. 
False curls had greatly increased in value during the past year, and 
really the sum she received scarcely sufficed to pay the bill of the 
hair-dresser. She must have some more money, to avoid appearing 
in the character of " a perfect fright." (" Hear, hear ! ") 

The MISSES ANGELINA and LAURA SMITH corroborated the state- 
ment of their elder sister. 

MB. SM(TH Junior said he must have an additional nlty pounds 
year allowed to him, as flowers in the button-hole were coming into 
fashion again. , 

MR. CHARLES DASHLEIGH said he had looked in on the chance oi 
his uncle being able, or, rather willing, to do something for him. 

The CHAIRMAN was understood to say that he was neither able nor 
willing to do anything for his nephew an announcement that was 
received with much cheering. 

MR. CHARLES DASHLEIGH observed that, after that statement, he 
need not stay any longer. (" Hear, hear .' ") He would merely add 
that he had always managed to live at the rate of 2000 a year.'on 
an income something under 200. How he managed to do this was 
as great a mystery to himself as it was to the rest of the civilised 
world. The speaker then withdrew. 

Mas. SMITH said, that the business of the Meeting being over, she 
merely had to ask the Chairman for a cheque. (Cheers.) 

The CHAIRMAN, after observing " What must be must," (a remark 



Chairman, the" Meeting" ascertained that that gentleman 
treacherously left his home for his Club. 

Upon this discovery being made, the Meeting passed a vote of 
want of confidence in the absent Chairman, and separated angrily. 

When our parcel was made up, MR. JOHN SMITH was still dining 



HOHATIAN MOTTO FOR CAPTAIN BOYTON. 

" ILLI rubber et sea triplex 
Circa pectus erat," 



APRIL 24, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



181 




PRICE FOR AGE. 

Mr. Oreen. "You NEEDN'T BI AFRAID OF THAT GLASS or WINE, IT SOLE. Ir's THIRTY-FOUR 
PORT, YOU KNOW." 

Uncle. " THIRTY-FOUE PORT [THIRTY-FOUR FIDDLESTICKS ! IT 's NO MOEK TaiRTY-FouR PORT 

THAN YOU ARE ! " 

Mr. Oreen. " IT is, 1 CAN ASSURE YOU! INDEED, IT'S RBALLY THIRTY-SIX; AND Tantrr- 

FOVR IF YOU RlTURX THg BOTTLSS I " 



DE MORTDIS NIL NISI 
MALUM. 

THANKS, BIB WILLIAM FIUSKH ! 'tis 

now-a-days daring 
To protest against slander, though 

false as unsparing : 
Di'ath gives men the power in our 

weakness to revel, 
And courtiers and kings are still 

cursed with their UKTILJ.K. 

The publisher's gold is still ready to 

glisten, 
For the memoirs of all who can libel 

and listen : 
Cads like to see great ones brought 

down to their level, 
And there still is safe sale for the 

smudge of a GKKVILLK. 

Yes, safe as Burke's Peerage, the 
British snob's Bible, 

Is a salaried eavesdropper's post- 
humous libel ; 

Itut then there 's the question, " How 
deep is the evil 

That the antidote carries, of authors 

KkeGBEVILLE?" 



Athletic Sports for Ladies. 

JUMPING at conclusions. 

Walking round a subject. 

Running through a novel. 

Skipping dull descriptions. 

Thro wing the hatchet: and, during 
the holidays, 

Boxing the ears of troublesome 
younger brothen. 

KITE AND WBONO. 

THE practices of the Ritualist par- 
sons are calculated seriously to mis- 
lead and delude the ignorant masses. 
It is probable that there are many 
uneducated persons who fully believe 
that Ritualism is another word f*r 
what they often spell riteousness. 



A SALVO TO SAL VINT. 

PUNCH is rejoiced to see that a representative body of the London 
Actors lately made express application to the great Italian Player, 
now displaying his art for London's behoof, to give a morning 
performance of Othello, at which they could be present. SALVINI 
answered the application with an Italian's courtesy, and an artist's 
feeling with his fellows. Remembering how, when Punch was 
young, an illiterate English mob once howled and hooted a French 
company from the stage of Drury Lane ; and how, when the noblest 
Actor of his generation, WILLIAM MACHEADY, published a protest 
against the cowardly outrage, in which he associated his brother 
Actors with himself, a large body of those Actors disclaimed such 
association, and denied WILLIAM MACHEADY'S right to speak for more 
than WILLIAM MACREADT Punch cannot but rejoice in the present 
indication of a larger and less " porochial " spirit of appreciation. 

The actors who nad the good fortune to see SALVINI on Monday, 
have seen a great artist, in the ideal sense of the word one 
whose art "in the very storm and whirlwind of his passion, can 
beget a temperance that gives it smoothness ; " whose voice keeps 
its music even in rage or agony, and whose action can be graceful, 
even in its moments of utmost vehemence ; and this without for- 
feiture of force, or sacrifice of truth. It is of secondary im- 
portance whether or not those who hear SALVINI understand Italian. 
They are sure to know the text of Othello ; and SALVINI'S look, 
tone, and gesture speak the universal language. 

They must have marked the breadth and calmness of his style, 
the self-restraint that never betrays effort, and the grandeur result- 
ing from this element of large effect. They will have seen how 
superior to points and petty tricks and clap-traps he is from first 
to last ; how completely the Moor, steeped at first in the stately 
Oriental calm that almost looks like languor, till love lights in his 
eye and mantles in his face, or doubt begins to torture, and sense 
of wrong 'gathers and glows to fury, and a rage, far more terrible 



and unsparing than a wild beast's, works to madness in his brain. 
They cannot have failed to note how terrible Othello is always, 
when roused to self-assertion even by short and sudden passion ; 
and how the possibility of the last scene is already shadowed forth, 
when he breaks upon the wassail brawl at Cyprus; how his love 
differs from the love of a Western lover, at once fiercer and less 
deferential, yet how inexpressibly full of protection in the earlier 
scenes, and how hopelessly ruthless in the last. 

Only one defect they must have felt as a set-off to all this ex- 
cellencethe over-vehemence of Othello's final agony, where SIM K - 
SFEABE has indicated a heart-broken calm ; and, above all, they 
must have longed to turn away from the death-scene, as at once 
false to the text, and beyond the limits of art in its realistic horror. 
But some points of this we hear that this great Actor who in 
SHAKSPEARE'S own country and on SHAXSPEARE'S own stage should 
not be above taking a hint on the acting of SHAKSPEABE has 
already corrected. It is to be hoped that these are such points of 
offence as the hacking and hewing at the throat, instead of the 
sudden single stab ; and the substitution of the hideous strident 
noises and quivering limbs of death, resulting from division of 
the great vessels, for the swift, and untroubled sinking that follows 
on a stab home to the heart. 

These last passages of SALYDTI'S performance excepted, it may 
be said, with the profoundest respect for the great Actor who 
last passed away from among us leaving a title to respect 
strengthened by every word of his that has seen the light since his 
death that London has seen no such Othello as SALVINI in this 
generation. And none who wishes to know the highest expression 
of ideal tragic acting should fail to see this famous Italian Actor, 
only now revealed to London. 

With such an Actress as RISTORI among the women of the Italian 
Stage, and such Actors as SALVINI, and before him MODENA, among 
its men, who shall say that the glory of Italian Art, in this field at 
least, has departed, or will depart while they are spared to it '( 



182 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[Araii, 24, 1875. 




MENS CONSCIA. 



Inspector (who notices a backwardness in History). " WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHABTA ?" 

Inspector (more urgently). " WHO SIGNED MAGNA CBARTA ?" (No Answer.) 

Inspector (angrily). " WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHAKTA I ! ? " 

Scapegrace (thinking Matters are beginning to look Serious). " PLEASF, SIR, 'TWASN'T MB, SIR ! ! " 



(iVo Answer.) 



BOOKS, PIGEONS, AND HAWKS. 

(On the summons to the Sar of the House, for Breach of Privilege, 
of the Times and Daily News, on Friday, April 16.) 

"In spite of the lobbying which is going on outside to prevent inquiry 
into frauds which are a disgrace to any commercial community * * the 
object of this Committee is to do away with the Rookeries of the commercial 
classes." SIB WILLIAM HARCOUBT, April 13. 

WITH yon, SIB WILLIAM, Mr. Punch agrees, 

But rather hopes than sees 
A chance from Roguery's foul breath to clear 

The Civic atmosphere. 

From gambling sprung, why should the Stock Exchange 
Its easy-going ways wish to derange, 
And lend its hand to probe of stern inquiry, 
With JAMES and LOWE to thrust it, keen and wiry ? 
When, but for such too pertinacious prying ; 
The game 's so gainful, easy," too, " as lying." 
When, given the cheek, and the Exchange manipulator 
For his own lion's share, of course, a stipulator 
A bankrupt state needs but the pluck to borrow 
Millions, and sack the swag, and know no sorrow ; 
Issue its loans at any price thought proper, 
Nor pay, with all its brass, a single copper. 

The Rook is high-priest of Gold's great religion, 

But let us shield the Pigeon ; 
Do our poor best to save accounts from cookery, 

And flutter each Rogue-Rookery ! 
That is the thing to do, and we must do it, 
Or England, that has rued, yet more will rue it. 
Gold breeds no healthy life-blood in the nation, 
That trusts less to hard work than speculation, 



Whose hardest- working swarm 's the one to stock its 
Combs from the nectaries of noodles' pockets. 

The House of Commons must its rules defend, 
Though handles now and then to fools they lend. 
But this a breach of privilege ! Whigs and Tories ! 

O tempera ! O mores ! 

Praise Times and Daily News for their protervanoe 
More honoured in such breach than nice observance 
And bid them, not as penitents, to your bar, 

In white broad-sheets to stand, 
But as recipients of more thanks, by far, 

Than DIZZY'S arts command. 

True : Money 's money : wide as Members range, 
They shrink before the bubble-growths of Change, 
And treat with awe (poor Pigeons though they pity) 
Rooks better known than trusted in the City. 
But in the Lobby when those Rooks come cawing, 
Weaker M.P.'s in hopes of overawing, 
" Up, Hawks, and at them ! " and no mercy show, 
Fly high, my JAMES, and you, my BOB, fly low ! 



A Synonym. 

(Dedicated to the RET. H. P. WK:OHT, Senior Army Chaplain.') 
BISIIOP PIKHS CLAUGHTON, the new Chaplain-General The wrong 
man in the (W)right place. 



THE WAT THE WIND BLOWS. 



IT might be supposed that even Nature had become a confirmed 
Ritualist, judging from the persistency with which the wind main- 
tains the Eastward position. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. JO, Loraine Road, Holloway, In the Parish of Rt. Mary, Islington, In the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Ajrnew. A Co. 
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street in the Pariah of St. Bride, City of London. Sni; ao, April 21, 197s. 



MAY 1. 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ARE YOU A MASON ? 

ANY persons may 
attempt to imagine, 
but few, we believe, 
are correctly in- 
formed of the extra- 
ordinary precautions 
that will lie taken to 
prevent the intrusion 
of any unauthorised 
person into the Albert 
Hall on the day of 
the Installation of 
His Royal Highness 
the Grand Master. 
Each Mason, as he 
arrives, after being 
blindfolded and shod 
with carpet slippers, 
will be required to 
produce his certifi- 
cate of baptism, 
calling card, photo- 
graph, and handker- 
chief marked with 
his name in full, 
together with a 
specimen of his ordi- 
nary handwriting 
and signature, all 
countersigned by his 
Lodge, and duly attested by 
two Justices of the Peace for 
the town or county in which 
he habitually resides. He will 
then be adjured to bare his 
right arm, to prove that it is 
branded with the letters which 
denote his rank in the Craft ; 
and having passed this ordeal, 
and shown that his name is 
written inside his hat, his 
claim to be present at the 
ceremony will be put to no 
further test. 

Any attempt at imposture 
will be instantly punished by 
the removal of the offender 
from the inside of the Hall to 
the outside of the roof, where 
he will be left with a bottle of 

Apollinaris Water and all the best works on Masonry, but 
without food, firing, or the means of smoking, until the 
conclusion of the ceremony. Should he prove refractory, 
( 'A x IHNA L M ASSISI; will be Bent for. When the Installa- 
tion is over, the erring man will be tried and sentenced by a 
tribunal composed exclusively of G.A.'s (Grand Aprons) and 
P.G.A.'s (Past Grand Apjrons), but their finding will not be 
made known until the National Gallery has been rebuilt. 

When all the brethren are assembled, the doors will be 
locked, barred, bolted, and hermetically sealed, the keyholes 
carefully plugged, and two Master Masons posted as warders 
at each entrance, armed with drawn swords and loaded 
revolvers, and carrying fog-signals in their pockets, to be 
exploded in the event of any attempt being made to inter- 
rupt the proceedings in the arena. 

Previous to the Installation, a party of the brethren, 
carrying safety lanterns and alarums, will thoroughly search 
every nook and corner of the Hall, including the cellars, the 
velarium, the ventilators, the roof, and the pipes and 
bellows of the great organ ; and will look under the seat of 
each chair and behind toe curtains of all the private boxes, 
to satisfy themselves that no person is in the building 
except those who have a right to be present. 

Strange rumours are current as to the enormous sums which 
Ladies have expressed their willingness to bestow on Masonic 
charities, if they might only be permitted to view the pro- 
ceedings from an aperture in the roof of the Hall. For further information respecting Freemasonry, its signs and secrets, its insignia 
and rites, and its excellent dinners, consult the works of SASCHONIATHON (the cheap edition), TEISICEOISTCS THATHCATUBGUS (the reprint 
in a popular form), RHADAMANTIIUS, HEBMESIANAX, or PYTHAGOBAS, and.'go early to the British Museum, as these authors are, at this 
momentous crisis in the history of the Craft, in great request. 




Uf Sccoxs DS STXAtt-(EsGiyt}.Sir Roger tie Corerley. 



KKNEALY'S " DtrEDBOp." Below notice. 



YOL. Lxvm. 



134 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 1, 1875. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




\ 

J 



OREIGN affairs occupied the Lords 
(Monday, April 19/). LOKD 
STRATHEDEN wanted to teach 
Austria how to make her com- 
mercial treaties, and was politely 
snubbed, from both sides the House, 
by LORD DERBY and LORD GRAN- 
VILLE. LORD RUSSELL ' called 
attention to the late passage of 
letters between BISMABCK and 
Belgium. Laudari a laudato is an 
ancient felicity. To be lectured on 
letter-writing by a letter-writer is an honour hardly so 
likely to be prized, at least by PRINCE BISMARCK. 
The Complete Letter- Writer of a past generation 
hoped Germany had not been asking Belgium to 
curtail the liberty of the Press. LORD DERBY hoped 
not. (PRINCE BISMARCK'S first note had been happily 
described by MR. DISRAELI as " friendly." So, he had 
been assured by the German Ambassador, was the 
second.) Two negatives may be equivalent to an affir- 
mative, but can two kisses make a kick ? LORD DERBY 
thinks not. So Punch would like to think. But some 
kisses are so like kicks. 

LORD LAUDERDALE wants playing at soldiers at 
public and national schools to be turned into soldier- 
ing in earnest, in hopes the boy's drill may be father 
of the man's. DARWIN says the progress of the race is 
in the other direction from man-drill (anthropoid) 
to man not from boy-drill to man-drill. 

The Commons took a series of what MB. COOK calls " personally 
conducted" excursions into regions the House has lately been 
travelling too much into under the experienced conduct of MR. 
KENEALY. 

First, MR. MONK wanted to know when CAPTAIN BEDFORD PIM 
was going to have it out with MR. REED. CAPTAIN P. said he 
would fix the fight for Tuesday, the llth of May. MB. REED said 
he didn't mind how soon. It amused CAPTAIN PIM, and wouldn't 
hurt him. As to delay, CAPTAIN PIM had been studying the noble 
art of self-defence lately not a bad preparation for a " mill," but 
which quite explained his delay in fixing the fight to which the 
gallant Captain had challenged him. 

DB. KENEALY asked for a Government night for his " postponed " 
motion on the Tiohborne Trial. MR. DISRAELI said it hadn't been 
"postponed," for it had never been brought on. (Mr. Punch begs MR. DIS- 
RAELI'S pardon. What is " postponed " but put off ; and what has the Doctor 
been doing but "putting off" his Motion ever since he put on the M. P. I') 
Besides, how could he offer facilities for a Motion that was still a mystery. 

OK. KENEALY said it was no mystery ; and after being pulled up incidentally by the SPEAKER whom the Member for Stoke showed 
himself quite disposed to argue with explained that he intended to make certain complaints about the conduct of the trial that was 
parliamentary English and in reference to certain incidents of the trial which have occurred subsequent thereto wasn't that Parlia- 
mentary English (Englishman's English, at least) ? and then to conclude with a Resolution for a Select Committee or Royal Com- 
mission, whichever the House would give him. 

" Then I '11 try to get LORD ELCHO to give you to-morrow Bis dat qui cito dat" said MR. DISBAELI. 
" Really, that 's too short notice even for DR. KENEALY," remonstrated MR. BRIGHT. 
MR. RUSSELL GURNEY suggested Friday better day, better deed. 
DR. KENEALY said he was suffering from bronchitis. He would prefer that day week. 

MR. DISRAELI said he had led the House under bronchitis all last Session, and knew what it was. However, he would'give the 
Doctor Friday. And so it was settled. 

Then MB. WHALLEY had a round with MR. BAILLIE COCHRATTE. " Had he not declined to present a Tiohborne petition ? " " Yes," 
MB. BAILLIE COCHRANE admitted he had, by advice of the SPEAKER. 

MR. BULWER read an allegation ascribed to the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE by MR. WHALLEY, and the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE'S contra- 
diction thereof as " destitute of the slightest shadow of foundation." MR. WHALLEY didn't feel clear that that was a reason for with- 
drawing his statement. 

What are "shadows of foundations" to MR. WHALLEY ? There may be less'things than " shadows," yet quite enough for MR. WHALLEY 
to base a statement upon. He had made his statement on what he had seen in the papers corroborated by the Honourable Member 
for Stoke : assurance doubly sure. But he would see what he could do in the way of retractation. 

MR. LOWE explained how the ridiculus mm of SENOB HERRAN'S letter had crept out of the mountain of the Foreign Loans Committee 
into the columns of the Times and Daily News. 

Then, returning at last, from its "personally conducted" evening's excursions, the House got the Artisans' Dwellings Bill through 
Committee, and DR. PLAYFAIR dissected the Public Health Bill, wbich might be a consolidation of imperfect laws, but not pace 
MR. SCLATER BOOTH a final measure. But on the general approval of MESSRS. RATHBONE, STANSFELD, 8. STANHOPE, DR. LUSH, and 
COLONEL BARTELOTT, (" 'Tis not as deep as a well, or as wide as a Church-door, but 'twill serve ") the Bill was read a Second Time. 

In Committee on the Adulteration Bill, DR. CAMERON did a good stroke of business by striking out the " knowingly," which made 
convictions for adulteration practically impossible. 

Thanks to the Doctor, a seller of adulterated articles is not to go scot-free till you can prove he knew there was sand in the sugar, 
water in the milk, and lime or worse in the sack. 

Tuesday (Lards). LORD MALMESBURY explained that, by eliminating two stout Assistant-Paymasters, they had found room for two 
thin Chaplains, in the Arctic ships. 

(Commons.) MB. C. LEWIS wanted to know (what a boy that is for curiosity !) what MR. DISRAELI was going to do, now he had 
got out all about the Foreign Loans Committee's " Ridiculus mm" ? 

MR. DISBAELI said he wasn't going to do anything. Isn't that the rule of the Session ? 

DR. KENEALY, in answer to SIMON CATECHISTES, said he had a list of naughty Members who declined to present Tichborne 



MAT 1, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



185 




MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY." 



Husband (after the Adagio, to Musical H'ife). " MY DEAR, ARE WE ooiso TO 

STAY TO THB ' BlTTBR END* ?" 



petitions, but he thought it would be repugnant to gentlemanly feeling to read 
it. He is so full of gentlemanly feeling the Doctor ! But being pressed by a 
House whom he had committed the mistake of calling "Gentlemen" the 
other night it is only in the House he commits (hut mistake, he read out the 
list of sinners, FOBSTER, LOED JOHN MANNERS, B.ULLIE COCHBANE, BIBLEY, 
and C ALLEN DEB. 

ME. FOBSTEB said he had professed his readiness to present a petition, if it 
was within the rules of the House. And the ungentlemanly House actually 
cheered ! 

Then LOBD ELCHO showed up that wof ul and apparently hopeless institution, 
the British Army and didn't he show it up ! Poor Army, it hasn't a leg to stand 
upon one way, by the bye, of ensuring its having no legs to run away with. 

Considering the physique of our Recruits or their want of physio rather the 
short supply of men for regiments, of horses for guns, and of drivers for horses, 
" to send an army to the Continent would be murder of the men, and treason of 
the Minister." What we want is compulsion for the Militia and draughting 
them to the Line, and. alter a few years there, back to the Militia. 

COLONEL MCBE'S picture was even more deplorable than I.OBD ELCHO'S : 

" The fact was, the officers were growing older and older, the men younger and younger, 
and the result would be that while the officers would go on creeping into their graves 
the men would be crawling into their cradles. (A laui/h.) [Wretches, they'd laugh nt 
anything ! ] In short, if things went on ns they were now going on, we should Boon have 
an Army of men in their nonage commanded by officers in their dotugs." 

The Doctors differed, of course. 

Si R. C. RUSSELL was for long service with pensions. 

MAJOB BEAUMONT was all for Depot Centres, larger pay, and stopping 
recruiting for the Militia. 

SIR G. BALKOUB didn't believe in Depot Centres. His plan was short service, 
and civil employment after it. 

MB. BULLEB JOHNSTONS was for universal service in a permanently em- 
bodied Militia. 

MB. TOBEENS was for a fair day's pay for a fair day's work. 

MB. CAMPBELL BANNEBMAN as an ei-Under-Secretary, stood up for LORD 
CABDWELL'S plans short sen ioe and localisation which only want time to 
work well. 

COLONEL BABTELOTT was entirely opposed to both plans, but agreed it 
would be madness to reverse them now. 



Finally, after COLONKL MUBE'S Jeremiad, MR. HARDY 
replied frankly and sensibly, showing up the doctors' 
diti'erences, and professing his determination to give the 
fairest trial to LORD CARDWELL'S plans. 

LOBD HuiiiscTON thanked him, and as in Leader's 
duty bound, said there couldn't be much wrong in LOBD 
CARDWELL'S reforms, if the holes hadn't been found out 
before this. The truth was, the weakness was not in the 
new patches, but the old garment. He thought, on the 
whole, recruiting was getting rather better. (Let us hope 
it has reached the point of worstness " at which mend- 
ing proverbially begins.) 

ni'ttliiy. A triumph of Common Sense and Chris- 
tian Charity over Intolerance and Bigotry. MR. 
OSBOKNE MORGAN'S Bill for allowing Dissenters to hold 
their own services over their dead, in parish church- 
yards, was only defeated by U in a full House 248 to 
234, after an excellent debate, of which the honours 
were worthily borne away by Ma. GLADSTONE and MB. 
BBIGHT par Wx/c fratrumin such a cause. MB, 
BRIGHT, especially, spoke with more than a flash with 
a sustained glow of the old brightness. It seemed as 
if a good and great cause the cause of Christian charity 
against Christian intolerance had given him back the 
old life and the old lire. 

Thursday (Lord*}. Their Lordships quite in earnest 
on the Agricultural Holdings Bill, and really debating 
it, clause by clause, with thorough knowledge and keen 
interest, till half -past eleven ! The Bill does not seem 
to have been damaged, we are happy to say, in the 
course of this extraordinary discussion. 

(Commons). Tiohborne petitions from MESSES. WH.VL- 

LEY, FORSYTH, MACABTHtJR, and SlR DBUMMOND "WoLFF, 

some which could -some which could not be presented. 

In the course of Friday's catechism, MR. SCLLIVAK 
being told by MR. DISRAELI that he didn't mean to touch 
the relations of Parliament and the Press, announced his 
intention of " seeing strangers," every night till further 
notice. Of course, MR. SULLIVAN'S first object is to make 
himself disagreeable, but <! quelque chose malheur ett 
bon some good may come out of it. On going into Com- 
mittee 9n the Irish Peace Preservation Bill, MR. BIOOAB 
made himself a bigger nuisance than he has been yet 
and that is saying no little by a perfectly inaudible 
speech, with readings, from different points of the 
House, which lasted from live o'clock till nine, surviving 
an attempt at a Count, and an unexplained attempt at 
a flight, arrested by SIR J. McKENSA. 

After this unconscionable quantity of Biggar boredom 
than has often been inflicted on the House, those un- 
conscionable Home-Rulers insisted on adjourning the 
Debate for another night of it ! 

Home-Role will become inevitable, if this sort of 
thing goes on. The Home-Rule Members had better 
mind what they are about, or they will be " boring " 
themselves out of the pleasantest Club in London. 

Friday. MR. STTLLITAN did not see strangers, LORD 
HAETINGTOW having undertaken to raise the question 
as to the relations of the House and the Reporters. 

Then, before the fullest House of the Session, crept 
forth from Mount Kenealy another ridiculu* mus, 
bigger than the HEBRAS letter indeed, the biggest of 
which House of Commons Journals contain record. DR. 
KENZALY talked three hours, was most patiently listened 
to through a dull and rambling recapitulation of stale 
points in the Tiehborne trial, spiced with a little fresh 
gossip, and was then snuffed out by -133 to 1, the 1 being 
MAJOR O'GoEMAN. So the odds stand : KBSTKALY, 
WHALLEY, and MAJOR O'GORMAN, to all the rest of the 
Collective Wisdom of England. Surely that should be 
enough to settle even the most monstrous delusion of 
modern times. 

To an Early Violet. 
Jly a Praftital Poet. 

FALSE herald of the ever treacherous Spring, 

How cam'st thou here, thou wretched little cheat P 

Where wert thou raised, thou rath, precocious thing ': 

No mossy bank e'er grew a dower so neat. 

Glass and good gardening alone could bring 

Thee here so early. Still, thy scent is sweet ; 

And fur thy fragrance I must be contented. 

You dorai humbug ! Why, you 're only scented ! 



186 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 1, 1875. 




MISUNDERSTOOD. 

Hopkins (on saltatory thoughts intent). " PEAT, Miss JULIA, ABB YOIT ENGAGED ? " 

Miss Julia. "'EsoAOEDl' MB. HOPKINS? 0, DBAB, no ! I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL NBXT WBHK !' 



AT THE PJRINCE OF WALES'S. 

" SINCE KEAN, in 1858, converted the play into a pageant and a 
spectacle, the Merchant of Venice has not teen so handsomely cared 
for by upholsterers, dressmakers, scene-painters, and property- 
manufacturers." 

So the dramatic critic of a contemporary concludes his notice of 
the Merchant of Venice at the Prince of Wales's. This is an un- 
pleasant way of saying that all that belongs to the externals of the 
play is better done than it has ever been before. When one con- 
eiders how much taste, research, invention, and adaptation of means 
to ends (foes to this result, the admission is no small praise. 

To make such a series of pictures as the Prince of Wales's Man- 
agement have given '.the public in this their first production of a 
shakspearian play, entitles them at least to the credit of rare pic- 
torial contrivance. It implies, besides, that the devisers of these 
pictures have appreciated the material beauty of their subject; 
and this can hardly be shown by a Management, or seen by an 
audience, without implying, and impressing, a considerable feeling 
for its poetry. Labour and liberality, guided by consummate taste 
and judgment, are shown in the selection of scenery and dresses, 
and in the stage arrangements generally. In that bandbox of a 
theatre you never once feel the stage too small for the business 
passing upon it. The characteristic beauty and piotnresqueness of 
Venice, the splendour and spaciousness of Belmont, are both pre- 
sented in a few yards square; and street, cortile, and hall of justice 
seem, by some strange felicity of arrangement, of dimensions pro- 
portioned to the crowds who fill them. All honour to MR. GORDON 
MR. GODWIN, and MR. BANCROFT for their respective shares in this 
excellent result. Punch remembers no more striking example of 
all that is excellent in scenic arrangement. 

But for the cast. MR. COGHLAN'S Shylock may be summed up 
mefly but emphatically in a distich the reverse of that once applied 
to MACKLIN 

" This isn' t the Jew, 
Whom SHAKSPEARB drew." 

lis performance is the most perfect example we have ever witnessed 



of " how not to do it." If you want to see Shylock with his fire out, 
his fangs drawn, his poetry strained off to the last dregs, you may 
see him in MR. COGHLAN. The impersonation is even worth seeing 
for its curious infelicity, its ingenious and elaborate sacrifice of 
all effect. 

But go and see the Merchant of Venice at the Prince of Wales's, 
the Hebrew to the contrary notwithstanding. Shut your eyes and 
ears, and all your critical faculties, against the Jew, but keep their 
full force and freshness for the enjoyment of such a Portia, in Miss 
ELLEN TERRY, as this generation, at least, has not witnessed the 
most joyous and radiant, the most winning and womanly, the most 
graceful and genial, presentment of the lovely lady of Belmont 
Punch has ever had the delight of applauding as intense in the 
tenderness and self-devotion of the part as she is arch and exquisite 
in its playfulness as natural and unforced in her bye-play as she is 
true in the feeling, and subtle in the emphasis, with which she 
delivers its exquisite poetry in look, movement, and utterance, a 
Portia worthy of SHAKSPEARE. 

To see one such impersonation in a cast ought to be enough. 
Associated with such consummate mounting of the play (a few 
servants' liveries, more correct than graceful, excepted), and such 
well-considered arrangement of the action (except the exaggerated 
senility of the Duke, and the error of having Sellario't letter 
chanted in the manner of a town-crier instead of naturally read), 
and with the advantage of so pretty and arch a Iferissa as Miss 
CARLOTTA ADDISON, so dignified an Antonio as MR. ARCHER, so 
gentle and gallant a Sassanio as MR. BROOKS promises to be, when 
he has conquered the nervousness begotten of first nights and a 
new public, there should be enough in the Prince of Wales's 
Merchant of Venice to overcome even the repellent power of 
MR. COGHLAN'S Shylock. We cannot put it more strongly. 



WANTED TO KNOW. 

THE Winner of the Derby of 1875. (Anyone giving correct infor- 
mation shall receive a handsome reward.) A perfectly safe invest- 
ment at fifty per cent. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAT 1, 1875. 




WORK FOR THE NEW GRAND MASTER. 

BROTHEB PUNCH (tog.)- " NOW THAT TOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS IS HEAD MASON, I HOPE YOU 'LL DO YOUR 
BEST TO IMPROVE OUR PUBLIC ARCHITECTURE ; AND, ABOVE ALL, THE DWELLINGS OF THE POOR." 



MAY 1, 1873.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



189 



SPORT IN 1875! 

AOKfrom a Foreigner' t 
Note- Book. 

A FEW do/en acres 
of mud. A heavv, 
cloudy bky. A bleak, 
biting wind. Leaf- 
less trees and stunted 
hedges. A course 
staked out with a cord 
and fences. litre 
and there a few 
hurdles, and at one 
end of the shishy, 
sodden road, abroad, 
break -neck ditch, 
half full of dirty 
water. So much for 
the scene ; now for 
the actors. 

Bipeds and quad- 
rupeds. Bipeds 
Slouching, pale- 
faced, red-nosed, and 
shivering:. Men with 
wild, tierce eyes, eyes 
lighted up with the 
brilliancy born of a 
thirst for gain. Men 
clothed in rags, 
covered with mud, 
degraded. Some of 
them sullen, some of 
them brutally merry ; 
all of them full of coarse oaths, suggestive of the low tavern and the thief- 
haunted public-house. Hear them speak, and you will have to listen to the 
jests of the gutter and the blasphemy of the slums. Watch them as the 
"favourite " nears the winning-post, and you will see features distorted with 
passions unworthy of wild beasts. Look at them when a race is lost and won, 




and learn that England, civilised England, is not free 
from savages. Here and there a creature that once 
was a woman, shouts, tights all but murder. So much 
for the bipeds. 

A few miserable horses that would not be out of place 
between the shafts of a bathing-machine or a count ry 
railway-omnibus. Poor animals that seem to be waiting 
01 so anxiously for their last race in the knacker's 
yard. So much for the quadrupeds. 

And the sport ! The broken-down horses (valued by 
their owners at a price that would not purchase an 
animal for a Hansom cab) are spurred and beaten until 
they break into a fright-inspired gallop. They rush 
along, followed by the shouts of the crowd, until one of 
them falls on the spikes of a hurdle, or until another 
severs a back at " the great water-jump." Glorious 
sport indeed! Full of incidents worthy of engravings 
in cheap illustrated papers ; full of " moments " capab!.- 
of the most " sensational" handling in the columns of 
the "emotional" London Press. Sport worthy of th" 
speculators who pouch the " gate-money" of the vaga- 
bonds who scream and shout as they sink in the mu<l 
surrounding the Judge's chair. Sport worthy to rank 
with bear and bull-baiting, with cock-fighting, dog- 
fighting, with that thoroughly English recreation, prize- 
fighting. Sport bettor than the rest, for it is legal. A 

I prize-tight and a bull-baiting entails risk, but sport 

I such as this is patronised by " society " (read the list of 

; the Stewards), is recognised by the law ! 

And what is this sport ? An annual carnival perhaps. 
Not at all it occurs every week in some part or other 

! of the country ; every week ; almost every day. " Ah, 
yes," you say, " there are dark spots in every country, 
and England is no exception to the rule. This " sport " 
is the spfcialitf of the Black Country, it is enjoyed 
where wife-beating is the fashion, and education is only 
to be forced at the point of the School Board ? Not at 
all, the above picture is merely a rough, sketch of a 
" Grand Suburban Steeple chase," or a " Race Meeting " 
near London I 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

The clever Cob in Harnest A Fair Trial Its result. 

Entry in Diary." Cold gone. Winter nearly over, but not quite 
made np its mind. Horrid weather lately." 

Happy Thought. Hope Spring will turn over a new leaf. 

further Entry. " Shall try clever horse in trap to-day. He 's 
not been out for some time." 

Happy Thoiujht. Make MDBGLE exercise him for two hours 
before / drive him. 

MITBGLB takes the order, and pretends to like the idea. They go 
out together; MCBGLE on his back, saying, " Woa, then!" and 
patting him. Boy stops in his work to look after him going down 
the lane. MUROLE is tnree parts Gardener, and the remainder Groom. 
I hope the remainder will stick on tight. If it doesn't, MUBGLE 
will be brought back all Gardener. 

CAZELL here. Thinks I 'm quite right to risk MrKor.E to com- 
mence with. " When he comes back," 1 say, " we '11 try the horse 
in the trap." 

I say " we," meaning CAZELL and myself. I do not intend to go 
alone. I do not know why I should feel safer with CA/.ELI, than 
without, but somehow it seems to divide the danger. I keep the 
word "danger" to myself. 

CAZELL observes, dubiously, " The horse has been in harness, eh?" 

I reply, "0, yes. There ^ the mark of the collar, that hasn't 
worn on yet." 

I own this is not perfectly satisfactory to me, and it wasn't when 
I bought him. Still, I hadn't the opportunity of trying him then, 
as the gipsy would have sold him to some one else, the trap was being 
repaired, and the horse was, I must admit that, a real bargain. 
Before, or since, I have not met his equal for jumping over umbrellas 
and garden-seats on a lawn, and for a spanking trot with his neck 
arched, and his nose touching his knees. I should say for riding he 
is safety itself, except when he gives a kind of hitch up behind a 
sort of flank movement as though he had got on sailor's trousers 
that didn't exactly tit him. 

MDBGLE returns safe and sound. He has been out exactly two 
hours. He is so punctual in his return, and appears so uncommonly 
fresh himself, looking quite the Jolly Gardener on horseback (a good 
name for an inn, by the way), that I fancy a happy thought must 
have occurred to MUBOLE, when he had once turned the corner and 
got out of sight, to this effect : 



MUBOLB (to himself). Master wants me to be out for two hours 
with the hoss. 

Hit Happy Thought. Go to the " Blue Man," 'ave a pint myself, 
give 'arf a pint to JIM the 'ostler, and let 't'm go out a hexereising. 

MCTWLE'S Second Happy Thought (on returning). Done it. 

We are ready. So is the trap. The clever cob is in it I mean 
in his right place, of course. CAZELL will be in it soon, and I fancy, 
from his manner, wishes himself well out of it. If I don't fancy it 
from his manner, I judge from my own feelings on the subject. 
Still, with a reputation to keep up before my man, MUBOLB, my 
Aunt, and a friend who has heard me talk 'a good deal on the sub- 
ject, I am bound to try this horse in this trap or some trap. 

It is a light waggonette : seats for two in front, and a well behind, 
which you can get into, or out of (a great point this latter), while 
the vehicle is in motion. My Aunt wants to join our party. I 
refuse her. I feel that this is noble, manly, and self-sacrificing. 
In short, 1 have a presentiment that something is going to happen. 
CAZELL mounts to his seat, I to mine. With one nervous hand I 
take the reins ; in my other the whip. I keep my eye on the cob, 
as if I were fishing, and the whip were my fly-rod. 

(Happy Thought, for Note at another time, not now. Spare the 
rod and spoil the stream. Think it out, and put it epigrammatically.) 

" You 'd better," I say to MUBGLK, with the air of an old horse- 
breaking hand starting in a break from some swell London Livery 
Stables, " you 'd better run at his head for awhile at first" 

CAZELL holds on by the rail at his side. I see him. I also notice, 

{ that he draws his knees in, as if for a spring out on the first oppor- 

I tunity. Odd, I feel far less nervous when driving, myself, than 

when sitting by a driver. I appreciate CAZELL'S situation. 

j There 's some excitement for the driver ; there 's only anxiety for 

1 the passenger. CAZELL is silent ; it evidently occurs to him. that he 

had Better not distract my attention by telling me (as he otherwise 

would inevitably have done some time ago) " what I ought to do." 

He clearly considers it better not to speak to the man at the wheel. 

Anything but a Happy Thought. I may be the man under the 
wheel, before we 've done. 

The horse goes capitally. Np objection to harness ; no objection 
to the sound of the wheels behind him : no objection to MUBOLE at 
his head, but can do perfectly without him ; his nose is well down 
towards his knees, his neck arched, he is warming to his work, and 
stepping along to a sort of steady common time, only slightly in- 
creasing in pace, which would take us along anything like a level 
road at the rate of twelve miles an hour. So far that is after half 



190 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 1, 1875. 




RAW MATERIAL. 

(WHAT LORD ELCHO SATS OUR RECRUITS //.IF* COME TO.) 



a mile of this, and safely round a corner (Happy Thought. No 
objection to corners) I say to MURGLE, " You can jump in behind." 
He does so without our relaxing speed. I like this, because I have 
a notion, that, if once checked in his career, he might decline to 
start again on the same pleasant footing we are on at present. We 
breathe again. CAZELL s legs come out, and stretch themselves 
freely ; CAZELL'S hand gives up its hold of the iron railing ; and 
CAZELL'S eyes begin to enjoy the country. CAZELL will soon be so 
much at home, that he will be giving me advice as to "what I 
ought to do." 

Happy Thought. He can't, after this exhibition of superiority 
and skill, give me advice as to driving. MUKOLE will nil the sur- 
rounding villages with tales of his master's pluck. I shall have 
established a horsey reputation. But it is gratifying to know that 
I have got here a real right-down bargain both for riding and driving. 

CAZELL pulls out a cigar-case. 

" I was a little nervous at first," he says, pleasantly. 

"Well," I admit, "/wasn't quite certain about him. That's 
why I wouldn't let my Aunt come. Women fidget, and make one 
so nervous." 

" yes they do," CAZELL replies, pulling out a Vesuvian. 

I stop him. I think he 'd better not strike it yet ; it might startle 
the horse, who's going on uncommonly well just now. CAZELL 
defers smoking, under protest. 

"Why," says he, "you might let off cannons in his ears, he 
wouldn't mind." 

" Well, MURGLE," I say to him in the well behind, " if he always 
goes up-hill like this, and can come down-hill safe at the same pace, 
we shan't be an hour getting up to Town from my house. 

" No, Sir, that we shan't," answers MUBGLE, wagging his head, 
and appearing solemnly surprised at finding himself still in his place 
uninjured. 

We are going up a hill beautifully ! ! ! It is quite a pleasure to 
it behind him!! And, as he is the surest-footed beast possible, 



ling down the hill on the other side will be simply perfect ! ! 
ivo! I am in luck ! ! I wouldn't part with this horse not for a 



sit 

eomm 

Bravo ! I am in luck ! ! I wouldn't part 

hundred pounds ! ! This is a bargain ! ! 

We are on the summit. 

I say to CAZELL, cheerfully, "There's rather a sharpish pitch 



here" meaning that the decline is very sudden, and that he 
mustn't be astonished if, with such a magnificent stepper, I take 
this opportunity of showing him how " he ought to go down-hill." 

Down the " sharpish pitch." 

A rumbling of wheels the trap slipping forward onto the horse's 
back a tremendous whack on the dash-board in front, as if it had 
been attacked with a sledge-hammer sudden flash of supposition 
that this blow must have come from the horse supposition becomes 
conviction on the unexpected and awful appearance of the hind- 
quarters of the animal high up in the air, then of two apparently 
gigantic hoofs, whose size seems to have been exaggerated by a 
hundred magnifying-glass power!! Bang! bang! dash-board 
gone heels higher up' than ever reins anywhere whip nowhere. 
1 hear my own voice, as if it were somebody else's, shouting wildly, 
" MURGLE ! ! get out behind ! ! " Bang ! bang ! My knee somehow 
or other just escapes the enormous hoofs, which are now being 
flourished furiously over my head we are swaying to the right 
to the left up like a swing. Bang ! bang ! Gigantic hoofs again ! 
rolling like a ship! I am conscious of still holding the reins 
firmly, and pulling him towards a ditch on the left. Bang ! crash ! 
and, in another half -millionth quarter of a second, there comes a 
tremendous rattling bang we have arrived at, so to speak, our last 
kick everything gives way in every direction, and in a sort of 
grand finaL display of crackling fireworks, we are, in one sudden 
explosion, sent flying up, all compact at first, like a sky-rocket, 
then dividing, and dropped out here and there, and being conscious 
the whole time of gigantic horses' legs waving about, coruscating 
horses' hoofs, wheels whizzing, wood snapping, and glass breaking, 
until to all this there suddenly succeeds a moment of the deepest 
tranquillity, broken only by the convulsive snorting of the clever 
cob, who is lying on his side in a ditch, with MUBGLE in a pious 
attitude kneeling on his head, while all that is visible of the trap 
are four wheels in the air, and I take this all in at a glance as I 
lie on my back in the road, with a torn coat, a smashed hat, and the 
broken reins still in my hand ; while CAZELL, also hatless, is seated 
on a bank, with his knees drawn up as though meditating bathing, 
and wondering whether the water were warm enough or not ; his 
seared look conveying the notion of a gentleman who had been 
called too early for the train and wanted to go to sleep again. 



MAY 1, 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



191 




THE WAY TO WOO. 

Wealthy Widow (in answer to warm Vows of undying Love and Admiratvm). " THEN DO YOU 

REALLY THINK ME BEAUTIFtTL, MR. O'DOWD ? CANDIDLY, NOW ! " 

Mr. ODowd. " BEAUTIFUL ? IXDBBD Ton ARE. NOT, PERHAPS, IN THAT CUT AND DRIKD 

liECJULAR, AND INSIPID FASHION THAT PASSES FOR BEAUTY WITH THE VuLOAR EBRD BUT' 

B HAS A SUBTLE CHARM A A AN INEFFABLE SOMETHING A A A CERTAIN 

JS NS SAY KWAW,' YOU KNOW, WHICH IS FAR XOBB RARE AND MOBS PRECIOUS THAN WHAT 

THE IGNORANT WORLD CALLS ' BEAUTY ' ! " 



HOW TO IMPORT CATTLE. 

T v K K two hundred cattle, say at Antwerp, 
and stow them on board a packet-boat, cm 
deck and in the hold, as closely as possible, 
like herrings in a cask. Tie their lic-nds BO 
tightly to the ship's side that they shall bo 
unable to move. Let them remain in tin* 
position during the twenty-four hours 
occupied by the passage between Antwerp 
and London. Keep them all this time with- 
out either water or food at any rate with- 
out water. Even in calm weather these 
arrangements will answer very well, but 
the sea being rough will render them 
thoroughly effectual. 

When the beasts arrive at the Foreign 
Cattle Market, Deptford, lose no time in 
ifLttins them out of the ship, without re- 
gard to anything- whatever but enabling 
her to reach her destination in the shortes 
time. Haul them up and drop them down 
anyhow, to fall on their legs or sides, all o 
a heap, as though they were logs of tirabe 
or bales of merchandise, which can fee 
nothing and take no harm. 

As soon as they are released from th< 
slings, let the Drovers in attendance H 
upon the poor brutes and prod them wit] 
sharp-pointed goads, and whack them ove 
the most tender aud sensitive parts of their 
bodies, the nose and legs for choice 
especially the former. Pricking and beat 
ing them in this manner will make them 
accelerate their movements, if they are no 1 
pushing forward of their own accord as fasl 
as ever they can. In the meanwhile, how- 
ever, keep a good look-out against an officer 
of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty 
to Animals, who may chance to be stations 
at a point for the disembarkation of cattle 
now that CAPTATN SLOANE STANLEY, in a 
letter to the Times, has called attention to 
the manner of conducting it and of stowinj 
them, as above recommended, on board 
ship. The acnpuncturation of living 
animals, except as a process of veterinary 
surgery, is likely to shock the feelings ot 
people who deprecate even scientific vivi- 
section. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 

"TEDDY THE TFLEH" write* to know 
what rank the Marble Arch holds in Free- 
masonry ? 



Happy Thought (far ourjwcVcs). Alive. 
Alive and still (slightly) kicking. 



(Same for the Horse) 



m 

Shaken and shaking. 

CAZELL, at my request, takes MUHGLE'S place sits on the horse's 
head, while MURGLE, also at my request, begins to undo the harness 
in the vicinity of those hind legs. 

Happy Thought. MURGLT? had better do this : not myself. Horse 
knows MUROLE, and will let him touch him without kicking him. 
I his wouldn t apply to me. Besides, his hind legs still appear to be 
spasmodic. 

I superintend operations. Horse not hurt. Shafts broken. One 
side ot trap stove in. Lamps smashed. What 's to be done ? 

Ua MW Bought (tmyetttd by CA/ELL). Sit down and smoke a 
pipe. We do so, and send MUEGLE home with the horse, while we 
iit and keep guard by the dfbris. 

Happy Thought. Lucky my Aunt wasn't with us. 

tAZKLi says, " I tell you what you ought to have done." 

I ask, patiently. 
)u ought to have tried him in a gig with high wheels, so that 

B could have kicked as much as he liked. You oughtn't to have 
h ' m that little light trap of yours." 

No. I feel that, now. 

F ""'"fr- '< ' S* WTOikl 

nd n hlm " " h T , nrst-rate for harness on the level, 

1 3hould leaye "- 



Entry in Diary. Clever oob sold to a farmer. He only wanted 
him for riding, and perhaps sometimes to put him in a heavy cart. 
I said, " He 's never been in a cart, but I dare say he 'd do that 
work well enough. He 'd been in harness," I added, in an offhand 
manner, "before he came to me." From which I left the farmer to 
infer that if he 'd been in harness before he came to me, so he had 
been in harness while he was with me ; and, if so, that he 'd go in 
harness for ever afterwards. 

Happy Thought (Hamlet on horse-dealing). " That one can smile 
and smile, and be a villain." 



To Langalibalele. 

SOME men may praise and some denounce you, 

But tell me, how shall I pronounce you ? 

There 's something of a Southern sea 

In soft LAH-OALI-BALK-I.K ! 

fhus spoken, " LANOA-LIBA-LELE." 

You 'd rhyme not reason with KKNKALY; 

But if in dactyls, " LANOAJJ-BALELB," 

! what a wonderful rhyme to Galilee. 



LIVERPOOL'S 

il' Industrie. 



DISTINGUISHED VISITOR. Lc prttix Cbecalier 



192 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 1, 1875. 




" PRAVE 'ORDS." 

Art-Critic. '"DEAR BOY, HOW EXQUISITELY YOU'VE INTRODUCED YOUK COOL TXUTIA.BIES !" 



THE OLDEST SWORD. 

" Another Antique which attracted considerable attention was an Assyrian 
Scimetar in bronze. * * The inscription assigns this line weapon to the reign 
of VtJL-NiRABi [? Vulnernre] I., thus giving it the incredible age of thirty- 
three centuries. It is probably the oldest dated sword in the world." Times 
Jkport o/MR. GEORGE SMITH'S Lecture at the Royal Institution. 

ANOTHER relic from the great Bronze Age ! 

Lethal this time in lieu of culinary ; 

Fierce warfare doubtless did its wielder wage 

'Neath VUL-NIBABI. 

If Man's first worldly lesson was to feed, 
To fight must certainly have been his second. 
Some rude device to make a brother bleed 

Is rightly reckoned 

Among his first inventions. Every land 
Hives in its dust-heaps proof more plain than print 
How soon man armed his homicidal hand 

With shard or flint, 

But here 's a choice antique which clearly shows 
That when this dainty death-dealer was dated, 
The art of neatly slaughtering one's foes 

Was cultivated. 

Since this most ancient bit of bronze was new 
Three thousand years have passed so SMITH explaineth 
The men it served are dead as those it slew, 

Th sword remaineth. 

Still CAIN and Tu PAL CAIN Arcades ambo .' 
Stir up and arm for strife man's murderous passion, 
As they did ere the mighty QUEEN SALAMBO 

Led Carthaginian fashion. 

While bards will sing of war and war-drum's rattle, 
TYRTJEUS, TENNYSON, old HOMEB, BYBON, 
" Sweetness and light " make but a sorry battle 

With " Blood and Iron." 
Great VUX-NIBABI and his Vulcan clever 
Each on Time's tablet hath engraven his mark ; 



Say will such posthumous glory wait for ever 

On KBUPP and BISMABCK ? 
When thrice ten centuries again have flown 
(If CLIFFORD'S climax spare the world so long), 
Will War and " Woolwich Infants " then be known 

As themes for song ? 

Or if some ninetieth century SMITH should light on 
A buried blade, of British make and metal, 
Amidst the dust of, Dorking, say, or Brighton, 

And strive to settle 

Its date and purpose, will the world around 
Be then Arcadian, or still a garrison ? 
And will contemporary blades abound 

To court comparison ? 

Alas ! this sword that has survived so much 
Has not outlived its function ; much sad history 
May yet be written ere another such 

Shall seem a mystery 

To man unmilitant. The sword-smith's trade 
Still lives, nay, gathers ghastlier glories round it, 
Though ages part the smith, who forged this blade, 

From SMITH, who found it. 



SS. Patrick and George. 

BESIDES the other Channel Islands there is a St. George's Channel 
Island possessing a domestic Legislature the Isle of Man, which 
has a Representative Assembly of its own in the House of Keys. 
The Home-Rulers demand also a distinct Parliament. Thus, in 
fact, they want to reduce Ireland to another Channel Island, though 
they may boast of claiming for Ireland the Rights of Man. 



A CONUNDRUM OF THE DAY. 

WHEN is an Englishman not an Englishman P 
When he buys an Englishman or sells one. 



Printed by Joeph "Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road, Hollows?, in the Pariih of 8t Mary. Islington, In the County of Middlesei, t the Printing Offices of Meir. Bradbury, Agiiew, a Co Lombard 
Btrtet, in the Precinct of WhitefrUn, in the City of London, and published by him at No. 65, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, uity of London. giri-un, May 1, 187J. 



MAT 8, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



193 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

IVEN a Parliament out of (good) work, 
and we need not wonder that the noble 
art of tongue fence or, we should 
rather say, tongue off- and de- fence 
receives substantial development. 
Prominent among the various forms of 
mischief which Satan has found for 
idle Members' hands to do this Session, 
has been the picking to pieces each 
other's reputations ; and personal on- 
slaught has borne its natural fruit in 
recrimination and explanation, usque 
ad nauseam. Punch may say of him- 
self, like WOBDSWOBTH, 

' I am not one who much, or oft, delight 
In personal talk " 

He has, in consequence, been much an- 
noyed by the unconscionable quantity 
of personal at- 
tack and perso- 
cal explanation. 
to the half- 
pennyworth of 
solid legislation 
supplied by the 
Session thus far. 
The proportion 
is quite as mon- 
strous as that 
of Falstaff's 
sack to his 
bread. 

To-night 
(Monday, April 
27) LORD COLE- 
RIDGE took up 
the best part of 
the Lords' sit- 
ting in the 
superfluous task 
of defending 
his character 
against DR. KE- 
NEALY'S imputations. Let the lion shake the dewdrops off his own mane as much as he pleases ; but 
please, my Lords and Gentlemen, do not you take the trouble of shaking the Doctor's dewdrops off 
your own too sensitive skins. They don't stick, and they don't dirty anything but the mane they are 
dung from. This is for SIR ROBERT PEEL in the Commons, as well as BARON COLERIDGE in the Lords. 
MAJOR O'GpRMAN biggest bulk and best fun of all Home-Rulers, always welcome to the House, 
and the maddier the merrier, who ought to be re-christened "DR. KENEALY'S large majority of One 
was even greater than usual on the Peace Preservation Bill, and told some capital Westmeath 
"crackers," on such lively subjects as coffins and threatening letters, in his very best style. The 
division on the Second Reading, taken cleverlv enough in the middle of dinner-time, was 153 to 69, 
for some English and Scotch " Intransigentes "joined the Home-Rulers. In Committee BIGGAR made 
himself a general nuisance as usual in motions to report progress, till the Bill was stopped at Clause 
3, and the rest of the Orders were rattled through by a quarter to one. 

Tuesday. Those Gods of Epicurus, the Lords, vouchsafed a few languid minutes to Justices' 
qualifications, and then, headed by the PRINCE OF WALES, adjourned en masse a Lords' " mass " is a 
mild form of the thing, low mass, in fact, rather than high to hear CHAPLIN on Hones, in the 
Commons. Such a crowd of swells home-bred and foreign ! 
Race-horses, you know, and CHAPLIN up ! 

But there 's many a slip between the speech and the ear. BIGGAR " saw strangers " on his own 
account, to the intense disgust of everybody Home-Rulers, Intransigentes and all, and actually had 
the galleries cleared for eighteen minutes, and might, if he had known more about the forms of the 
House, have had them cleared for the night, for MR. DISRAELI, who promptly moved and carried the 
suspension of the standing order, had no right to do so without notice, except upon unanimous vote of 
the House, which BIGGAR'S " No " would have defeated. 

This is a rediictio ad absurdum (see Mr. Punch's Cartoon) which must bring to an end the old- 
standing absurdity of allowing even a BIGOAR to put out the light of publicity that shines from the 
Reporters' Gallery, and will, no doubt, substitute reasonable rule for an unreasonable. Who but 
dear stupid old Conservative JOHN BULL would have left such an order " standing" so long? 

BIGGAR would-be snuffer snuffed out, CHAPLIN went into the woes of horse-breeders, and the 

larrmnK look-out for blue-blood on four legs, now being drained from England's equine veins by the 

foreigner. He suggested a penal tax on stallions, to be returned on sires proved sans reproche. 

Government stud-farms, and COBDEN'S ghost only knows what alarming defiances of Free-trade and 

JMissez faire, for the improvement of our breeds, and the comforting, aiding and abetting of our 

But GERARD STURT arose, and with a light hand made " pie " of CHAPLIN'S facts, and " hash " of 

figures. Proving that we have more horses and better horses than ever, that the breeders' best 

f i" t foreign customer, and that the worst thing that could befall the horse and his rider 

1 be Government " touching a single hair, in a single tail, of a single stallion." Nothing like 

climax, as MR. STURT well knows, for oratorical effect. 

So MR. DISRAELI aiding STURT, even the doughty Turf Champion, CHAPLIN, collapsed, and the 
House was Counted Out before nine. Such is the languor of this dead-alive Session 1 If even 




Horses won't draw a House to 
the small hours, what will Y To 
be sure, horses are not " per- 
sonal." 

By the way, MR. SULLIVAN 
means to move a vote of cen- 
sure on LORD NORTHBROOK for 
his bungle of the Baroda busi- 
ness, and MR. MILLS means to 
oppose him. 

Wednesday. Scotch and all 
Scotch. Since the Scotch Mem- 
bers, as a rule, know their own 
minds, and settle their own busi- 
ness, and so enjoy real Hume- 
Rule without talking about it, 
Mr. Punch has nothing to say of 
this sitting, but that several 
Scotch crotchets SAWNEY knows 
of such things as* well as JOHN 
BULL were quicklv cold-shoul- 
dered, and some hobbies hobbled 
for the rest of the Session in ex- 
cellent style. 

Thursday (Lords). A lumi- 
nous and voluminous review of 
the Judicature Bill, and history 
of the question by LORD SEL- 
BORNE, hardly interesting or in- 
telligible except for the lawyers, 
though clients should be mate- 
rially interested in all that con- 
cerns improvement of Judicature. 
So we are all interested in the 
purity of our physic, but we don't 
care to intrude on the mysteries 
of either Apothecaries' Hall or 
the minor mysteries of the 
Chemists and Druggists. We 
take our black draught in faith 
that the Pharmacopoeia is all it 
should be ; and so we of the 
laity are likely to take our Judi- 
cature. 

(Comment.) After a perilous 
passage to the table of MR. NEW- 
DEGATE with a Monster Roll, 
said to be signed by 117,663 
Women of the United Kingdom, 
for Inspection of Convents in 
which MR. FOBSYTH, Q.C., cham- 
pion of the Ladies, helped to bear 
up the Ladies' Petition, which 
actually burst its bonds, and like 
a certain famous monkey who 
came over in two ships, required 
two Members to carry it to the 
table LORD HABTINGTON gave 
notice of a Motion for allowing 
Reporters to report freely, except 
where the House forbids them by 
resolution without debate, or the 
SPEAKER, on occasion arising, 
directs their exclusion. 

MR. SULLIVAN, asking a ques- 
tion about a cock-and-bull Irish 
story, in ridicule of the restric- 
tions on the carrying of arms in 
Ireland, was duly certified of 
its cock-and-bullism by SIR M. 
H. BEACH. Finally, the Peace 
Preservation Bill was fought 
through Committee by the Home- 
Rulers, clause by clause, and 
almost line by line, and word by 
word, particularly after they 
found a section of the Opposition 
to support them on some points, 
as on the continuance of the Bill 
for five years or two. On SIR 
M. H. BEACH conceding amend- 
ments, moved by MR. BUTT, 
that searches for arms should 
not take place between set and 
rise of sun, and then . only in 



Lxvni. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




[MAY 8, 1875. 






CREMATION. 

Nephew. "I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WAITING LONG, UNCLE?'' 
Uncle. "Aix BIGHT, MY BOY. BKEN READING THE PAPER, AND HAD A 
PINCH - BY THE BYE, IT 's QUBBB FLAVOURED SNUFF IN THIS JAR OF YOURS, 



Nephew (aghast). "SNUFF, UNCLE ! JAB! GOOD GRACIOUS! THAT'S NOT 
SNUFF! THOSE AKE THE ASHES OF MY LANDLORD'S FIRST WIFE! " 



BEHIND THE GRILLE. 

(Lines on the Ladies' Gallery.) 

RESCIND, no longer worth a straw, 
That Standing Order idle rule 
Which, at the word of every fool, 

Compels Reporters to withdraw. 

What, in the Gallery dost thou see 
Strangers, thou House of Commons Ass ? 
Ah, strangers of another class 

Are present, though unseen by thee ! 

Bat thou mayst hear them well enow 

Between the pauses of debate. 

Less than gallant it were to state 
That now and then they make a row. 

And some, perhaps, of stronger mind, 

Among the cultivated Fair, 

With Pressmen shorthand work might share, 
And equal or excel mankind. 

No Order Strangers to exclude 
There stands which can relate to those. 
And who such Order would propose ? 

Breathes there a wretch so base and rude ? 

Rude order, destined to repeal, 
That one fool may the Gallery clear, 
We fall back on those " Strangers " dear, 

Behind the Grille, behind the Grille! 



The Enemy at Ceesar's Camp. 

HONOUR to the Conservators of Wimbledon and Putney 
Commons. In protection of Wimbledon Common they 
have filed a bill in Chancery to restrain a ME. DIXON , 
the lessee of a MB. J. S. W. S. ERLE DRAX, the claimant 
of the ground, from commencing buildings on the site of 
Crcsar's Camp. Excavations for the projected edifices 
were already begun, and bricks had been carted into 
the enclosure upon ground fenced off some time ago, 
several fine trees which stood on it having previously 
been felled. Those gentlemen, therefore, have set to 
work in defence of Cicsar's Camp not a day too soon. 
Happily they have obtained an injunction to stay the 
invaders' operations, pending a full examination of their 
right. May the champions of Wimbledon Common 
succeed in getting that injunction made final, and in 
rescuing the Camp of Ctcsar from the hands of the 
Philistines. 



presence of a responsible 'and duly authorised agent of the Execu- 
tive, ME. BOTT was wonderfully mollified, and for the brief re- 
mainder of the evening ran with oil instead of best Irish malt vinegar. 

BIGGAB was with difficulty kept down during the debate. 

N.B. No more jokes on^this Gentleman's name can be admitted. 
Mr. Punch feels some shame at their reiteration in this Number. 
He will never do it again. 

Friday (Lords). Breech v. Muzzle-loader the DUKE OF SOMEBSET 
backing one, officialism, actual and ex-, the other. Adhuc sub 
judice Its est whether our bull-dogs' bark and bite be deadliest, via 
head or tail. Government promises to keep its ordnance-eye open. 
WHITWOBTH is said to have invented an improved breech-piece, 
which won't blow out 

(Commons.) Morning and evening, Peace Preservation. Left 
fighting. 

MB. MITCHELL HENRY gave notice of an Amendment on LOED 
HARTINGTON'S Motion, to postpone the subject till the House has 
considered the whole system of reporting. The Home- Rulers ma// 
want " taking down," but can hardly, one would think, claim to b'e 
taken down verbatim. Suppose we had such a thing as reporting 
"d discretion," say Punch's discretion ? 



Ben Trovato. 



"I BEALLT cannot understand," observed the DEAN OF W-ST- 
SI-ST-B to MONSIGNOB C-p-L, in the course of a friendly discussion 
on Worship in the Church of England, lately written by the 
sthetic M.P. for Cambridge University, " why very High Church- 
men do not leave us and adopt your faith." 

" They can do without our Faith," replied MONSIGNOB C-P-L, 
" as long as they are satisfied with their HOPE." 



LOSS AND GAIN. 

(To be Sung to a Mason's Melody.) 

WHAT of losing our grip on the MABQUIS OF RIPON ': 

That has turned out a happy disaster. 
Now the Heir to the Throne in his stead that we own ; 

Of all Past Grands, Grandest Grand Master. 

He who fails to evince all respect to our Prince, 
Is a wretch that his Craft throws disgrace on. 

From his Lodge kick him out, or conduct by the snout 
That impostor in mask of a Mason. 

Let the Chief of a Sect to our Secret object ; 

We 've no mysteries hostile to reason. 
With our Prince at our head, we can never be said 

To foment insurrection and treason. 

Let priests ban, if they choose, and denounce, and abuse, 

And with heathen and heretics lump us, 
Whilst the law we maintain is to live still by plane, 

As by rule, and by square, and by compass. 

What they like let them say we can show them the way 

That is fitting for true men to walk in ; 
Let them know we 're the Guild that a Temple can build 

On the pillars of Buaz and Jachin. 

H^re 's a sign to the POPE, he will know it, we hope ; 

Tip of thumb end of nose thus we place on 
Th Pontifical curse has made Masons no worse, 

When it brings us a Royal Head Mason. 



A REJECTED PICTURE. The Portrait of a Gentleman (painted for 
the Stoke Electors), by the Editor of the Englishman. 



MAY 8, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



IDS 



THE BATTLE OF THE STEEDS. 




Now glory to CHILDE CHAPLIN, a gallant knight is he ; 

He couched his lance in tourney the PRINCE was there to see. 

His was no tilt for temperance, or such grandmother's whim ; 

He came to light for horses, who well have fought for him. 

He talked in sober sadness of the mania that inspires 

The foreigner to purchase our famous stallion- sires. 

lie told a melancholy tale of horseflesh going down, 

Of Guardsmen without chargers when callea to serve the Crown, 

Of numerous Irish " roarers "let 's hope it isn't true, 

Although 'mong Irish Members there are many " roarers " too. 

And when he ended, all men thought, if foes should come in force, 

HKR MAJESTY would have to cry, " My kingdom for a horse ! " 

CHILDE CHAPLIN of Mid Lincoln has had nis heart's desire : 
When strikes his shield gay GERARD SIUKI, stout knight of Dorset- 
shire. 

Right seldom arms LE STURT to break a lance in any fray, 
But when he presses to the front it is a merry day. 
Heady to horse the Array was gay GERARD in his pride ; 
" He built his faith on English pluck ; the stranger he defied. 
The breed is of a higher type, more numerous than of old, 
Fur rich folk will have horses, and English folk grow gold. 
Our horses grow even like our men : the famous stallion-sire 
In about three half-centuries stands a good three hands higher. 
Absurd to raise a panic ; for if a foe should dare 
To trouble Merry England, the horses will be there." 

The Marshal of the Tournament has thrown his warder down : 
" Both champions have tilted well ; let them divide the crown. 
About the British Army CHILDE CHAPLIN need not chafe ; 
Without the aid of stout LE STUBT our cavalry are safe. 
With such affairs the Government decline to be perplexed ; 
Bring stallions down to Westminster, and bulls will follow next." 
Decision wise, says Mr. Punch : he 's one of the deplorers, 
That Irishmen to Westminster bring bulls as well as " roarers ; " 
He holds that England ne'er will lack good man or gallant steed, 
Hide for foe, or ship to brave all nags or seas at need : 
He thinks the House had wisdom to be counted out at nine, 
When the fogies went to supper, and the fast men went to dine. 



THE MERRY MONT1I OF MAY. 

MB. PUNCH, remembering the many changes in the weather that 
marked the course of last week, begs to offer the following sugges- 
tions as likely to be useful during the present month : 

FASHIONS FOR MAY. 

In the Morning. The lightest gauze dresses for Ladies, and the 
thinnest tweed suits for Men. Thermometer s.1 in the shade. 

In tin- .tf/i-rntxin. Furs and the thickest cloaks for Ladies, 
Ulsters worn over great-coats for the Men. Thermometer 5" in the 
sun. 

In the Evening. Waterproof wraps and umbrellas for both 
sexes, liain, hail, thunder, lightning, and snow. Thermometer 
uncertain. 

AMUSEMISTS FOB MAY. 

Mondays and Fridays. Garden Parties, Games of Croquet, 
Flower-Shows, and Lawn Teunis. 

Tiii'sday*. Skating on the Serpentine. 

Wednesdays, Thursday*, and Saturday*. Floating down Regent 
Street, Piccadilly, and Pall Mall in Gondolas. 

ItEFBSSnMEXTS I OB MAY. 

Mi 'iits. Curried Meats, Poultry, and Game. Ices, Strawberries, 
Artichokes, and Apricots. 

lirinkf. Mulled Claret, Iced Sherbet, Spiced Ale, Cider and 
Brandy, and (boiling) Water. 

THE THEATRES FOB MAY. 

Cm-nit Garden. Opera three nights a-week. Grand Christmas 
Pantomime on the off-nights. 

Drury Lane. Opera, SIGNOR SA.LVINI, Skating on Wheel*, and 
Promenade Concerts. 

Lyceum. A Jfitlsummer Xighfs Dream on Mondays, Wednes- 
days, and Fridays ; and, during the rest of the week, A Winter's 
Tale. 

FraiiTEE HINTS FOB MAY. 

Taking a Walk. People leaving their houses during this trying 
season of the year should be careful to avoid sunstroke or freezing. 
To cure the first apply ice, to prevent the last cover over the part 
attacked with the frost by snow. On hot days wear felt helmets, as 
in India ; on cold, fur caps, as in Siberia. 

The Garden. On cold days it will be as well to cover over even 
the hardiest plants with straw, cocoanut-matting, &c. When the 
glass begins to rise, orchids and other exotics may be eafely exposed 
to the sultry breezes of the rammer's night. 

Yachtin g. Persons disliking a sudden change of temperature can 
scarcely do better than by taking a cruise, the course of which 
I should be bounded on the north by Greenland and the Arctic Zone, 
and on the south by the West Coast of Africa. 

Motto fur the Month of May. " 0, what a time we are having! " 



Equestrian Members. 

SOME surprise has been expressed that in the Debate in the House 
of Commons, on MR. CHAPLIN'S Resolution on the supply of Horses, 
neither MR. HORSMAN, MR. RYDER, MR. HUNT, or MR. SCOTTRFIELD 
appear to have taken the slightest part. MR. CHILDEBS also might 
have been expected to say something about the racer. The Members 
ior Hackney, too, were most unaccountably silent. 



Advice to those About to Hear Salvini. 

BE prepared with six eyes two for the Stage, two for the 
Italian, and two for the English of the book. 

Or, if you have only one pair, and prefer to keep them for the 
Stage, dispensing with a book yourself, take your seat imme- 
diately in front of a party, ranging from four to six individuals, 
with one book between them, the owner acting as interpreter. 
By this means you are likely to hear the text and translation of 
Ot/u-llu extensively discussed, and, if at all of an irritable nature, 
may carry away enough of it to last you for some time. 



Clothing the Naked. 

OF much interest both to Bishops and Incumbents has been a recent 
long-contested action on Quare impedit touching the BISHOP OF 
LINCOLN'S right to refuse to institute the RKV. MB. WALSH to Great 
Coatee, which he claimed as his own, and which Great dates the 
Bishop set up a right to. LORD COLERIDGE has at last delivered 
judgment against the Bishop's right to the Great Coates in question ; 
and has ordered him to hand them over to MB. WALSH, and besides, 
to pay the costs of the " whole suit" to which said Great Coates 
belonged. 

SOMETHING LIKE LOGIC. (SEQUEL TO "NOTHING LIKE LOGIC.") 

" AY, we' re a down-trndden set, we working men and poor folks. 
There 's the Claimant : He would have got his rights long ago, if 
he hud not been a Butcher's son." 



A SfMiKSTIOX TO THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT. Would it not be 

a graceful compliment to the Imperial Chancellor to call the two- 
mark piece in the new currency a Bismarck F 



196 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 8, 1875. 




A TRAGEDY IN PRIVATE LIFE. 



Miss Lily. "A Box IOB SALYIITI FOR TO-NIGHT! HOW KIND OF votr, MR. LOVELL ! UNFORTUNATELY, MAUD AND I ARR 

ENGAGED, AND MAMMA IS AWAY ; SO WE SHALL NOT BE ABLE 1O GO WITH YOU BUT GRANDMAMMA AND AUNT TABITHA WILL HE 
DELIGHTED TO TAKE OCR PLACE ! " 

[Grandmamma, and Aunt Tabitha express (heir delight. The room, turns round- 
forsakes him he leans on a chair for support. 



-Mr. Lovell's head swims all his presence of mind 



IN THE PEESS. 

To avoid any further collisions between the Representatives of 
the Press and the Members of the House of Commons, the following 
suggestions will probably be adopted in future at Westminster. 

Suggetted by MR. DISRAELI. That Reporters shall submit 
Speeches delivered by the present FIRST LORD OF THE TBEASURI to 
the Government Whip before publication, so that henceforth the 
" laughter" may be inserted in the reports at the proper places. 

Suggested by the MARQUIS OF HARTINGTOIT. That reports of 
Speeches delivered by Liberal Members be submitted, before publi- 
cation, to "the Natural Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition" for 
revision and curtailment. 

Suggested by the Whole House. That Reporters be rigidly ex- 
cluded when MR. BIGGAR commences a speech. 

Suggested by the Home-Rule Party. That Ladies (as was the 
case on April 27) be exempted from any resolution causing the House 
to sit in camera, as the Darlings (Heaven bless them \) know so well 
how to keep a secret. 

Suggested by MAJOR O'GoRMAN. That Speeches of Irish Members 
of a tragical character shall not be reported, in future, in a spirit 
of Saxon levity. 

Suggested by 433 Members of the^ House. That, in future, the 
Junior Member for Stoke be utterly ignored by the Press. 

Suggested by SIR WILFRID LAWSON. That no "After Dinner 
Speeches " be reported, unless they are delivered in support of the 
Permissive Bill. 

Suggested by MR. WHALLEY. That all Speeches denouncing the 
diabolical plots of the ubiquitous Jesuits be printed in the largest 
possible type, and in red ink. 

Suggested by LORD ELCHO. That Reporters be admitted on all 
occasions, except when their patriotism takes them away to compul- 
sory service in the Militia. 



Suggested by CAPTAIN BEDFORD PIM, R.N. That reports of all 
Speeches dealing with financial matters be submitted, before publi- 
cation, to some simple-minded old sailor (being a Member of the 
House) for business-like condensation. 

Suggested by the RIGHT HONOURABLE THE SPEAKER. That, in 
order that the dignity of the House may be properly maintained, 
explanations of a personal character be never reported in the 
oolumns of the Public Press. 

Suggested, nay, insisted upon, by the Gentlemen of the House of 
Commons. That the Right Honourable Very Gallant and Truly 
Learned Mr. Punch be admitted on all occasions, as the Direct 
Representative .of JOHN BULL, the British Lion, Fair Play, Justice, 
Mercy, Wisdom, Patriotism, and the Fourth Estate of the Realm. 



IN STRICT CONFIDENCE. 

(Private.) 
Mr DEAR MR PPNCH, 

! now I hope and pray that you are not a Freemason, 
and that you can sympathise with me in my miserable state of mind. 
It was only last month that I accepted CHARLES FREDERICK, after 
much pressing, and it was only last week I discovered he is a Free- 
mason, and it was only yesterday 0, I shall die, I know I shall 
that I read that a Freemason considers himself free and Accepted 
at the game time. Isn't it perfectly awful ? I have not seen the 
monster since I made the discovery, and I have not the heart to 
write to him. Can you advise me what I ought to do ? Shall I 
consider myself Free as well ? ! do help me. 

Yours ever, 

The Dovecote, GERALDIKE SMITH. 

Billing-cum- Cuoington, April 29. 

P.S. We were to have been married in May. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAY 8, 1875. 




"REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM! ! ! " 

(THE MEMBER FOR CAVAN SEES "STRANGERS" IN THE GALLERY- AND TRIES TO PUT THEM OUT!) 



: 



MAT 8, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



199 




PRAY, PITY THE HORSES! 

EETINOS of Horses have 
been held in various parts 
of London, a few evenings 
since, to consider the 
Motion recently proposed 
by MR. CHAPLIN, in the 
House of Commons. We 
report one of them. THO - 
BO BRED RACER, ESQ. oc- 
cupied the Stall. 

The Stallholder said that 
he was very pleased to see 
so many representative 
horses around him. Al- 
though MK. CHAPLIN'S 
Motion had very little 
personal interest for him- 
self, still he was always 
ready to offer a helping 
hoof to the very poorest 
of his fellow - creatures. 
(Cheers.) He considered 

the motion a mistake. If the Government would busy themselves 
with horsekeepers, and not with horse-breeders, they would do a very 
great deal of good. (" Hear, hear ! "} For instance, he would take 
his own case. Before a great race he would assure the Meeting he 
was never safe. It was true that his lad was always with him, and 
moreover that a detective was ever on duty at the stable-door. And 
yet, in spite of these precautions, he was never safe from " hocuss- 
ing " in plain English, he was always in danger of cool, cruel, and 
dastardly assassination, (fries of" Shame .'") He scarcely dared 
to munch a mouthful of hay for fear of foul play. Horse-hocussing 
should be put down at once. After this had been accomplished, 
there would be ample time to consider horse-breeding. (Cheers.) 

MB. STEEPLE CHASER said he would not detain the Meeting a 
minute. His friend the Stallholder had alluded to " hocussing," 
but he (the speaker) had a far more serious grievance to complain 
of. In pursuit of his professional duties he had to attend a large 
number of country meetings, and he could earnestly declare that 
the jumps of some courses were simply disgraceful. It appeared to 
him that the Proprietors of the Courses to which he had made allu- 
sion had but one object in view to kill the horses and to disable 
the riders. ( Cries of " Shame ! ") Now he loved sport and enjoyed 
hopping over a brook as much as anyone ; but sport was one thing, 
and a "sensation ditch " was another. (Cheers.) The Government 
could scarcely do better than turn their attention before next season 
to some of the country race meetings, if they wanted to secure an 
unanimous vote of thanks from the class to which he (the Speaker) 
had the honour to belong. (Cheers.) 

A very miserable looking animal, who said that he was a London 
Cabhorse, now addressed the meeting. He said that he belonged to 
a race that were worked off their legs. The assembly before him 
would doubtless refuse to believe him, and yet he could assure 
them that once he was as fine a spirited hunter as ever was seen. 
(Ironical laughter.) They might indulge in horse laughter (a 
laugh), but for all that what he had said was true. If they had all 
been trotted about the streets like he had for sixteen hours a day, 
year after year, in all sorts of weather, they would look every bit as 
bad as he did. ("Hear."') What he wanted to know was this. They 
had given "shelters" to the drivers, why did they not put up 
"shelters "for the horses? (" Hear, hear .' ") The horses had a far 
worse time of it than their drivers ; and taken all round, were they 
an inferior race to those who drove them ? (Loud cries of " No ! ") 
Of course they were not. Now that the drivers had their " shelters " 
the poor horses were left unprotected and alone in the wind, rain, 
sun, or snow. He (the speaker) felt so lonely sometimes, that he 
really would be pleased to see anybody yes, even MRS. GIACOMETTI 
PaoDGEHS. (Loud Groans.) The Government really ought to do 
something for the poor London Cabhorses. ( Cheers.) 

A Donkey here addressed the Meeting at great length, contending 
that it was the duty of the Ministry to constitute themselves a 
Paternal Government. The speaker sneered at the grievances of 
those who had already addressed the Meeting. He drew a picture 
(to the great impatience of all present) of the peaceful life of a Cab- 
horse, declaring that nothing could be more charming than to end 
one s days by the sad sea waves between the shafts of a bathing 
machine. He refused to allow any resolution to be put to the 
Meeting, and asserted that he had the right to speak as long as he 
pleased. He quoted the case of a gentleman (whom he described as a 
relative of his own) who had pursued similar tactics in the House of 
Commons. 

Throughout the speaker was listened to with great impatience, 
and when our Reporter withdrew he left the Donkey still braying. 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

From Horse Dealing to House Furnishing Advice gratis Keeping 
your Eye open A visit to CIUUSTUB ASD MANSON'S. 

" AND there was an end of one, two, and three, the rat, the cat and 
the little iroggee " as runs the finish of the old song of " A Froggee 
would a Wooing Go." This refrain will keep on recurring to me 
after our awful smash. Yes 1 There is an end of one, two, and three, 
i.e., " of the trap, of the chap and the clever Cobbee." The trap I 
will not have mended it is past hope. MUBGLE (the chap) will 
henceforth be all gardener ; ana the clever Cobbee will be a thing of 
the past. 

Selling the Trap. I call on the Active Manager of an eminent 
Carriage Depot. The Active Manager is brisk as a bee. The trap 
just patched up so as to allow of MUROLE sitting in it safely without 
coming through anywhere, and the shafts being go temporarily 
secured as to admit of its being dragged at a slow pace to London by 
a quiet animal, lent for the purpose is placed in the yard. 

I suppose you can sell it for me P " I say to the Brisk Manager, 
despondently. I own I regard it as hopeless. Were he to reply 
something about breaking it up for firewood, I should receive the 
suggestion with perfect equanimity. 

Nothing of the sort. He looks at it with a critical air. takes in, 
so to speak, all its points at a glance, and says, oif-handedly, 

" It only wants to be done up a bit just a little paint and 
varnish, and the lamp put straight, and it '11 look as good as new." 

Happy Thought. To agree at once to the paint and varnish, and 
not ask any unnecessary questions. If he can make a thoroughly 
smashed-to-bits affair ' 'Imk as good at new," and so obtain something 
like a decent price for it, that is evidently his business, not mine. 
Only, knowing this, should I ever require another trap, I rather 
question whether I should come to this depftt to make the purchase. 

Subsequent Entry in Diary. Trap sold for very nearly as much 
as I gave for it. It must have looked almost as good as new. Clever 
Cob also sold well. I should now think, from increasing experi- 
ence, that horse and carriage dealing, if you are not too liberal in 
buying and not unnecessarily candid in selling, must be a most 
profitable business. 

My Aunt's nerves have been upset by this catastrophe. She is 
dreadfully determined to give up pur Cottage in the Country, and 
go down to the sea-side. There is only one sea-side place that 
ever really agreed with her, and that is Ramsgate. She points out 
how advantageous to me it will be to give up horse, trap, groom, and 
gardener, ana take henceforth to walking as a safe exercise, and 
occasionally a sailing-boat. I object. My present work (I am now 
engaged on Vol. VI. of Typical Developments the previous Volumes 
not being yet completed) requires constant attendance at the British 
Museum. 

Happy Thought. My Aunt shall live at Ramsgate. I '11 live 
in Town, and come down to see her occasionally. 

She agrees on condition that we send all our things from the 
country to Ramsgate. and that we furnish a suite of rooms in Town. 
Carried nem. con., subject to a further condition, which is the result 
of a sudden 

Happy Thought. My Aunt to see to all the " moving "while I 
carry out certain plans of my own for furnishing. Aunt yields. 

To whom shall she go to move the furniture ? She remembers 
having seen a picture all over Town of an engine-driver and a 
stoker dressed like French Cooks (Cook's Excursionists), or like the 
carvers at the Holborn Restaurant, standing on an engine which is 
dragging, on a single line of. rails, an enormous van, which being 
labelled " Families Removing," suggests the idea of its being filled 
up inside with several large families stowed away comfortably, and 
going to the sea-side for a change. She is much taken with the 
picture. I leave it to her, and become absorbed in furnishing. 

Happy Thought. Why buy new furniture, when you can get 
what you want second-hand for half the money Y This notion is 
suggested to me by my friend TWINTON VICE. 

TWINTON VICK is an elderly man, who (I now discover) is always 
going to sales, and buys everything, from a watch-chain to a pair 
of carpet slippers, always second-hand, and invariably " a bargain." 
He says, " Don't be in a hurry. Keep your eyes open. You '11 see 
all the sales advertised. Just drop in on the show-days, select 
what you require, settle how much you 're going to give, and get 
hold of a decent broker to bid." 

TWINTON has wonderful stories of how he has seen beautiful 
Brussels carpets, that couldn't have cost less than fifty pounds 
apiece, going for a mere trifle, " absolutely," as he expresses it, 
"given away." 

Happy Thought. This is the sort of thing I should like. To 
furnish my house from top to bottom with most valuable things 
which are actually " given away." Fancy what might be done, on 
these terms, for twenty pounds ! Imagine the surprise and envy 
of one's friends ! 

" My dear fellow, what magnificent tapestry hangings yon have 



200 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 8, 1875. 




ON THE FLAGS. 

(A Neat Hint.) 
NtwM.F.H. (looking over the Hounds, points to the best in the Pack). "I SHALL CERTAINLY DRAFT THAT BITCH, DON'T LIKE HER 

AT ALL." Huntsman. "JOST WHAT TUB Fox 18 SAT, SlB. THEY DON'T LIKE MYRTLS EITHEB." 



all round your smoking-room ! " cries somebody. "Why, they 
must have cost a fortune ! " 

I shrug my shoulders : he becomes inlriguf. I play him, so to 
speak: at last I say, "Well, how much do you think I gave for 
them?" 

" Well," he replies, after deep consideration, and adding tbem 
up with his eye at so much an inch, " Well you couldn't have 
got 'em for much less than let me see than two hundred and fifty 
pounds." 

I chuckle. I can't help it. 

" Don't tell anyone," I say to him, and he swears he won't ; " but 
the fact is I managed to get the whole lot you see here for two pound 
ten." 

This is exactly what TWINTON VICK does in his own houe. It is 
exquisitely furnished. China over the mantel-piece, Gothic side- 
boards, no-pattern'd paper, dull brickdust Nineveh-coloured wains- 
cot in the hall, encaustic tiles, oak floors, square cut rich, thick, 
dark carpets, matting here and there, heavy portieres, brass chan- 
deliers, handles of handsome solid iron-work, small tables of all 
shapes and sizes, old-fashioned sofas, easiest of easy chairs, strongest 
of strong chairs, beautifully painted ceiling, painted glass windows, 
bright and cleanly hearths, looking more as if they were to be laid 
out for flowers than for fires, with little brass fire-irons of quaint 
design, including a pair of tongs apparently intended for lifting 
lumps of sugar rather than coal ; and every one of these things, no 
matter how rich or rare, he tells me, carelessly, he picked up for a 
mere nothing at some sale. He shows me his bedroom: such a 
brass bedstead ! ! Twenty-five pounds if a penny. 

"0 dear, no," says TWINTON VICK, mailing at my simplicity. 
" I got that for twenty-six shillings at WIGGLEFOHD'S sale. 

He admits that I am right in putting its value at twenty-five 
pounds. I see a handsome oak chest of drawers, with elaborately 
wrought-iron handles. "The iron work," I observe, "is worth 
about twelve pounds alone, without anything else." 

"I got it," says VICK, triumphantly, "for sixteen shillings. I 
didn't want it at the time, but it was going dirt cheap, and so I 



bought it. Of course," he adds, " you must keep on going about a 
good deal, and always be ready to buy. You 're safe with small 
tables and easy chairs ; you can't have too many of them. And if 
vou'll take my advice, you'll never miss a carpet if it's going a 
bargain. You may not want it just at the moment, but everything 
comes in useful some time or other. Only you must always be on 
the look out." 

Happy Thought. Go to sales, and be on the look out. 

I do look out. The result is that, on walking from St. James's 
Street into St. James's Square, my attention is arrested by a notice 
of a Sale now at this very moment going on, within, at CHBISTIE AND 
MANSON'S. Adopting TWINTON VICE'S maxim of " Never mind 



And I do walk up accordingly. Some people are coming out, others 
are going in. 

There is a line of cabs and carriages along the street, as though 
CHBISTIE AND MANSON were giving an afternoon tea, or an "At 
Home." 

So much has it the air of an afternoon party that it occurs to me, 
as an omission on my part, that I 've never been introduced to either 
MR. CHRISTIE or MR. MANSON, and that, not feeling much like a 
purchaser, or a patron of art, I haven't any business there at all. 

I am aware that there are regular habitues who frequent all Sales. 
I am also aware that there are "touts" who lie in wait for those 
who are not habitues. Perhaps some bird of prey is selecting me for 
his victim at this moment. 

Happy Thought. Try to look like an habitue. 

I do make the attempt, but am conscious of its being a failure. 
This is my first visit to a Sale ; and I do not feel comfortable. I 've 
got, somehow or another, the idea that I 'm venturing upon ground 
entirely new and unknown to me, and that I am going to be 
tremendously "done" by somebody. I wish TWINTON VICK had 
been with me. But here I am, and "forwards!" is my motto. I feel 
I cannot retrace my steps without losing my own self-respect. I 



MAY 8, 187. r ).| 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



201 




BIUGAK, M.I'. 
(Onetjbr all.) 

AH ! surely you're the finest boy 
That ever drew a trigger, 

O'GoKMAN fills my heart with joy, 
But you, my lad, are BIGGAB. 

KENEALY he 'g a splendid man, 
And cuts a mighty Iij<ure, 

Bat let him swagger as he can. 
He '11 make himself no DIGGAX. 



FROM A CHRONOLOGICAL POINT OF VIEW. 

Mamma (after a Lesson in English History). " IN WHAT REIGN SHOULD YOU LIM TO HAV 
LIVED, ETHEL?" 

Ethel. " IN WILLIAM RUFUS'S, MAUKA ! " 
Mamma,. "WHY, DARLINU ? " 

Ethel. "BaCAUSB I SHOULD ONLY HAVE HAD 01TS DATB TO LEiBN." 



mav weak hearts appal, 
Aud curb the House with rijrour, 
But ynu he '11 never make fuel small, 
As long as you are Btc<iAi:. 

The PRINCE or WALKS may rule the 
State, 

Hut, if yon keep yonr vigour, 
Tho' hie be greatest of the great, 

There yet will be one BIGGAK. 

[Punch can admit no more " puns " on 
this painful subject.] 



A TASTE FOR CHINA. 

As touching diagnosis between genuine 
Wedgwood ware and sham, the Stafford- 
shire Atlrertiier mentions that the former 
acquires "with age a peculiar smoothness of 
surface," which MK. GLADSTONE, " with the 
affectionate enthusiasm of an amateur," has 
described as being " like that of an infant's 
flesh." A nice comparison, but, as made 
by the late PREMIER, less suggestive than 
it would have seemed had it proceeded 
from old Saturn, or Polyphemus, or Cor- 
moran, or Blunderbore, or a friend of the 
late DR. LIVINGSTONE'S in the interior of 
Africa with a taste for China as well as for 
children. 

An Earthly Paradise. 

OF all places in the world, the capital 
of France must be the most delightful _to 
live in, not on account of its gaiety, its 
shops, its boulevards, its caff*, its re- 
staurants, its theatres, its galleries, or its 
grand hotels, but because .in Paris "street 
organs are forbidden." 



am rather inclined to lay the responsibility on my legs, as much 
as to say, "You two brought me here, and you must see me 
through it." 

Not exactly a Happy Thought, but not inappropriate." And fools 
rush m where Angels fear to tread." 

I go on. 

SABBATARIAN SCREWDRIVERS. 

THE friends of tolerance, liberty, and temperance, cannot be too 
highly congratulated on the report of the " Working Men's Lord's 
Day Rest Association," read at their eighteenth annual meeting held 
the other evening at Exeter Hall. It contained the gratifying 
statement that 

, "MR- TAYLOR'S motion for opening Museums ou Sunday had been opposed 

f 22 1 public meetings, by petitions with 130,000 signatures, by deputations, 

1 by direct influence on Members of Parliament. The division on the 

subject showed that the country had remained sound on the Sunday question 

re having been 69 votes for, and 271 against the Sunday opening." 

These figures afford the Association, for whose pleasure they were 
compiled, abundant reason to hope that along time has yet to elapse 
jetore the working classes of the Metropolis and other large towns 
will be indulged with access, during their leisure hours on Sunday, 
) any other entertainment than such as they can find in the Sabbath 
rest and repose of the publichouse. 

I he Association for the Sunday closing of every place of recreation 
the ginshop, have not confined their beneficent exertions to 
London : 



" The Sunday opening for money of the Aquarium at Brighton had also 
received the attention of the Association, and a special case baring been 
argued in the Court of Queen's Bench, the Judges of that Court had decided 
that the Sunday opening was illegal." 

Though a provincial town has thus "received" their kind "at- 
tention to its enjoyment of Sunday, yet of all places regarded as 
a sphere of useful, agreeable, salubrious, and sanitary action, their 
chief humour is for London : 

" Pressure had been put on Railway Directors to prevent as far as possible 
the excursion traffic on Sundays." 

So these pious philanthropists have not only done their bst to 
shut Londoners out of the Brighton Aquarium on Sundays, but also 
to prevent them from going to Brighton at all, and shut them up in 
London. " And therefore," MK. R. M. MORBELL, the Hon. Sec. of 
the wicked National Sunday League, writes, in an appeal to the 
Times, "and therefore it is we ask your aid in preserving to the 
people the means of egress from the streets of the Metropolis to the 
glorious contemplation of Nature on Sunday." Shall the sinners 
preserve any such unsanctimonious licence : Not if the saints of 
the Sunday Rest Association can help it. To stop Sunday excursion 
trains "as far as possible" they are putting all the "pressure" 
they can on Railway Directors. Doubtless they will continue to 
work the screw, so as to exercise the greatest possible amount of 
pressure on everybody. Don't they wish they had power to exert 
their pressure by a screw of the nature of a thumbscrew ? 



THE REIL "STBANGKB" nr THE HOUSE. The Junior Member 
for Stoke. 



202 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 8, 1875. 




A FAIR WARNING. 

First Visitor to the New Detachment at Ballydash. " BUT BEFORE I LEAVE, WAN THING I HAVE TO SAT TO TB. DON'T BE AFTHER 

ASKING MT SON TOM TO YOUR MESS, FOR HE *8 GOT NAYTHER CLOTHES NOR MANNERS." 



THE LAND OF LIBERTY ! 

" HERC 's the Land that we live in ! " cried hearty JOHK BULL, 
As he lifted his tankard and took a long pull. 
" Speech and tongue who can boast as unbridled as we ? 
Here 's the Land that we live in, the Land of the Free ! " 

" We 'ye no Censors, no Governors, Prefects, and such, 
Informing the Press what it may and mayn't touch ; 
Fine, warning, suspension, no newspaper strike ; 
And Britons can speak honest truth if they like." 

" can they f" a Member of Parliament said, 
" They had better take care on my corns how they tread, 
Or they '11 get themselves I '11 let them know in the shape 
Of a high Breach of Privilege into a scrape." 

Said a Judge, " And for my part I '11 heavily fine 
Fur Contempt of Court any one writing a line 
Good or bad, 'bout a cause on whose trial I sit ; 
And to gaol the offender I '11 also commit ? " 

" And just won't I," a Juror (small tradesman) exclaimed, 
" Heavy damages give to my fellow defamed, 
Whatever the truth of the libel may be ! 
Call that man rogue and cheat, why not also call me ? " 

" I 'mafraid," thought JOHN BULL, "I 've been talking great fud 
Between Members of Parliament, Juror, and Judge, 
The Press Laws, which abroad so oppressive appear, 
In practice at home are made quite as severe. 



A KNIGHT OF THE TARIFF. 



CHIVALRY is not usually associated with Commerce, yet the cham- 
pions of Free Trade include a Chevalier who has fought gallantly 
for the cause. Honour to M. CHEVALIER as a Chevalier sans pei/r 
et sans reproche .' 



THE DONKEY SHOW. 

IN order to enhance the attractions of the Donkey Show, MR. 
WHALLET has consented to officiate as judge, a post for which he is 
acknowledged to be eminently qualified. A brass band will attend 
and perform appropriate music. Among the pieces in the pro- 
gramme we may mention " Gee Wo, Neddy," "Bottom's Dream," 
" Ye Banks and Brays," and other pleasing morceaux. Besides the 
animals exhibited, many donkeys are expected to attend the show, 
and we believe that extra prizes will be offered to the following : 

1. The ass who spends a crown a day in buying bouquets for his 
button-hole. 

2. The ass who wags his head, and beats time with his toes, to 
show that he is musical. 

3. The ass who will give fees to boxkeepers, although requested 
by the management expressly not to do so. 

4. The ass who, having found a pleasant quiet little place, as yet 
unknown to Cockneydom, thinks it is his mission to puff it in the 
newspapers. 

5. The ass who buys " old beeswing crusted port at thirty-six," 
and is credulous enough to think that it is drinkable. 

6. The ass who pops the question before he has made certain that 
the answer will be favourable. 

7. The ass who puts his trust in tips and advertising Derby 
prophets. 

8. The ass who wears an eye-glass, not to benefit his eyesight, but 
as he fancies, to improve his personal appearance. 

9. The ass who gives to a street-beggar, and is under the delusion 
that he thereby does a charity. 

10. And, greatest of them all, the ass who lends his new umbrella, 
and expects to see it back again. 



QtTESTION FOR DEBATE. 

IMAGINE, if you can, PRINCE BISMARCK attacked weekly by a 
Prussian " Englishman." What would be the doom of the Teutonic 
KENEALY ! 



Printed by Joseph Bmith of No. 30 I^rjlne Road, HoHoway, in the Parish of St Manr. Ilinton, Ir, the County of Middle,**, at the Print!,* Office, of Me,,r.. Hradbury A.n-w * Co Lombard 
Street , in the Precinct of W tmefriars, m the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, City of Londoa.-Si r noli .Mays, laTS. 



MAT 15, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAJMN \KI. 



203 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

car. as "listeners seldom hear good of themselves," "meddlers 
rarely mead matters." LORD RUSSELL (Lord*, Monday, May 3) 
ought to have had that truth well drummed into him by hi old 
experience of muddles due to meddling. His Lordship, however, 
not satisfied with his share of meddles and muddles, like "',>,/ 
Twist is asking for more, in the shape of "papers calculated to 
throw light on the recent relations of the German and Belgian 
Government*," LOUD I)KKHY thinks sucli publication would be 
moro conducive to heat than light, and prefers to wait till the 
Belgian Chambers have discussed the paj*ra ia question. Kcs- 
MXIH will rush, where DKHBTS fear to trtad. Uctm m I'.ISMAIK K 
and Belgium it is a very pretty quarrel as it stands, and the inter- 
ference of Knirland might, in I.OKD DEEBY'S opinion, make it an 
ugly one. While man and wife are lighting, or the diplomatic 
equivalent for that domestic situation while Foreign Ministers 
are exchanging " friendly " notes, it is time enough to intervene 
when you can't help it. 

The CHANCELLOR or THB Es.- 
in answer to Sia C'U.VKI.ILS Hi sstLL, 
said, he had heard " it was easier to gt dorins 
than shillings." Will SIK STAHCUD be good 
enough to tell Mr. Punch (in strict confi- 
dence) where t 

Tin: CHANCELLOR OF TBB KXCHKQUEK de- 
clares that 42, 000 worth of shillings is lying 
at the Bank, and as much more at the Mint, 
ready to be squeezed utiun by 

r prei-Mirf." Unfortunately, in Mr. 
Punch's experience, shillings want a very 
great deal of pressing. 

MK. W. HUNT informed SIK O. JESKINSON 
that examinations for Naval Cudutship* were 
no longer conVpetitive. That is, at least, one 
department rescued from the Heathen Chinee. 
.Mr. Punch is glad to hear from I.onu H. 
LKNKOX that active and intelligent a;dile 
whose " answering " in the House Mr. Pttnch 

is bound to report as "most creditable" that QCEEN ANSK'S statue in Her Majesty's Square (behind the Westminster back- 
slums), is as well as can be expected under the "cook-shying" circumstances of the neighbourhood. The Westminster roughlings 
have only knocked off two of Her Majesty's lingers, and a bit of her sceptre. What Queen in that region could expect to fare better P 
LOUD HUSKY has assigned a policeman for the special protection of Her Majesty during the hours the young Westminster ideas are 
learning to shoot, out of school. That Policeman will, at least, have tlie proud privilege of feeling himself more useful than the sentries 
at Buckingham Palace. 

Peace Preservation again. The usual talk, tall and small ; the usual dividing, and the usual little or no progress to report. Once, 
thanks to a " happy thought " and snap divisiou.of C.VPTAIN NOLAN'S (on Amendment to insert 1877, as the limit of the Act's continuance), 
the Government only escaped defeat by two ! 

The debate included a long incidental chat about Freemasonry, in compliment, we presume, to the PKLNCB o WALES. 
The Irish Members kept the House at it till one, when it broke up with the pleasant prospect of meeting again for Peace Preserva- 
tion at two to-morrow. Preserving your peace is one thing ; holding it is another. 

Tueiday (Lords). LOBD SKLBOHNK brought in two Bills, one for better Regulating the Inns of Court, the other for establishing a 
School of Law, "where all might receive instruction." While Benchers and Barristers are satisfied with the existing government 
of the Inns of Court, those Inns are not very likely to sue a change of hosts or bills, rooms or perquisites, larders or cellars. As for a 
"Law School for all," Pvnck hardly knows whether to shake in his shoes or to sing for joy at the prospect of such a happy family of 
kites, crows, and pigeons. Think of Solicitors, Barristers, and Clients in the bud all sucking-m that perfection of reason called 
Law, on the same benches and from the same fountain-heads ! Who can say what develspments might follow ? Perhaps kites, pigeon- 
livered and lacking gall like llamltt or pigeons with kites' claws and beaks ! But this is likely to remain matter of speoulation, for 
all the prospect LOUD .SKLIIOUNK'S Bill has of becoming law. 

(Common*.) At two, Peace-Preservation agaia. The last Clause left was fought over tojth and nail, and the Committee was 
adjourned, clausu infrcto. 

At the evening sitting, after MK. BOTJRKE had dealt with MR. O'CLKar who BO eleared the House as juat to escape a count 
on his Motion to recognise the belligerent rights of 'the Carlists LORD HAKTINGION brought on his plan for i tempting reports from 
liability at Law, and giving a majority, instead of a Member, of the House power to put out the light of the Press in Parliament. 

MK. MITCHELL-HENRY objected, complaining of abbreviated reports, and proposing a Select Committee to consider of a scheme of 
official reporting, to which he thought some of the papers would subscribe. Mr. Punch, for one paper, declines to subscribe to any 

3 




why, Mn. HENRY'S objections would apply even to Mr. Punch's Essence that LIEBIQ'S Extract of Collective Wisdom. No ; if we 
must have a Select Committee on the matter, let it be to consider how reporting may be made shorter instead of longer mere 
quintessential instead of more in extenaomore literatim, in the literary, not literal, sense, than rerbutim, in the wordy or Irish 
acceptation. 

MK. NEWDEGATE agreed, for once, with MR. HENRY. He speaks slow enough to be reported verbatim et literatim. Perhaps, if he 
saw a report of one of his own speeches on this gigantic plan, he might change his mind. 

MR. DISRAELI couldn't see his way to support LORD HABTISOTOJT, couldn't see his way to anything, in fact In short, he agreed 
with the Laureate's Lotos-Eaters 

" Let us alobe. Time driveth onward fast, 
And in a little while our lips are dumb. 
Let us alone. What is it that will last ? " 

Why all this bother and fuss about Reporting and Reporters, and so old a Standing Order ? The wisdom of our ancestors had agreed 
that on one man's Motion strangers must withdraw. To substitute the House's Motion for one man's is not standing on old ways. 



VOL. txvin, 



204 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



[MAT 15, 1875. 




PROFANATION. 

Gent. "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A PEW DATS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A LOCKET, is ir AH KBADT?" 

Artitle. "VERT SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BBBN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO CONSFQOENCR, SIR wg CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR." 1 1 



" Let us alone. What pleasure can we have 
To war with evil ? Is there any peace 
In ever climbing up the climbing wave ? 
All things have rest, and ripen toward the grave 
In silence ; ripen, fall, and cease ; 
Give us long rest or death, dark death, or dreamful ease ! " 

Besides, where was the practical inconvenience ? 

This ME. SULLIVAN showed, when, after MB. LOWE had spoken 
well and with effect in favour of substituting a reasonable rule for 
an unreasonable, on ME. HABDY rising to follow him, the Member 
for Louth saw " strangers," and the gallery light was put out for 
the rest of the evening. So much for a House in tog, and a 
"missing link" for leader. As Lrvr says, Nox certamen diremit. 
When the light was turned on again, the House was seen consider- 
ably ashamed of itself, rubbing the fog out of its eyes. Debate 
adjourned till May 25 (day of St. Dumhade, alias Dummheit). 

Wednesday. Punch is no friend to grandmotherly legislation, 
but it really seems as if for once leading opinion in all sects and 
classes of Ireland were agreed in asking for a Forbes-Mackenzie 
Act of Erin's own to shut up the shebeens on Sundays. 

MAJOB O'GoBMAN was great against the Bill, but with this large 
exception, most Home-Rulers and Conservatives were quite of one 
mind in supporting it. But SIB M. H. BEACH, in a speech very 
unlike him for want of common sense and conciliatory spirit, 
opposed the Bill for the Government, and in spite of the strong 
support of MB. GLADSTONE (who was cheered as a welcome appari- 
tion of strength breaking in upon the weakness of the Session), 
the Bill was talked out ignominious fate by MB. WIIEELHOUSE. 

Thursday. Ascension Day in the Lords (dies non). 

Dissension day in the Commons MB. DISBAELI knocked under to 
MB. SULLIVAN. The Member for Louth had shown him, by 
clearing the Gallery on Tuesday, that there is some practical incon- 
venience in the Standing Order. MB. DISBAELI means himself to 
move (in effect) the second of the Resolutions which he declined ac- 
cepting from LOBD HABTIKOTON. He had declined (he explained) in 
deference to ad vice of LOBD LYNDHUBST'S, given when he first mounted 



the Conservative box, more than a quarter of a century ago. LOBD 
LYNDHUBST'S advice has not improved by keeping. Then, defend- 
ing himself against the imputation of having from DIZZT grown 
drowsy (see our Cartoon), he declared his intention of keeping the 
House sitting till it had passed all the Government Bills and 
" being on his legs," dropped out his intention of taking the Budget 
at Friday's morning sitting. 

Then LOBD HABTINGTON arose, very fairly gave the appropriate 
crow, and delivered the obvious counter-hits. 

" When, sudden, sound as of a clarion blown, 
Gleam as of arms for Vulcan's forging known, 
And there, in battle's front, while loud and clear 
Hang upon Hector's shield that mighty spear, 
AH knew Achilles keen for fight again, 
And who had dreamed of other Leader then ? 
But Hector, safe behind his brazen shield, 
Declined the fray, nor dared contest the field." 

After the clash of Achilles and Hector, what wonder if the House 
had no ear for the " personal explanation " of Thersites ? 

Peace Preservation Bill passed (at last !) amid a shower of mutual 
congratulations between MB. DISRAELI and the Home-Rulers, and 
indignant protests of RONATNE and BIGGAB ipsis Hibernis Hiber- 
niores. A good riddance of a bad business. 

Friday (Lords). Army Exchanges Bill. Resume' of the whole 
case Purse v. Preux-Chevalier. The Army, as a rule, support the 
Bill : the DUKE OF CAMBBIDGE says it is necessary : a Royal Com- 
mission has recommended it : the Government means to carry it. 

Per contra. LOBD CABDWELL says the Bill is bringing in by the 
back door the Purchase System, which we have just paid eight 
millions to turn out by the front. 

LOBD SANDHUBST declares the measure is fraught with the 
greatest danger. 

The DUKE o? ARGYLL fears the Bill will lead to evil results, and 
on practical proof thereof will have ultimately to be abandoned. 

LOBD GBANVILLE considers the Bill most pernicious in its possible, 
and probable, consequences. 



MAY 15, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



205 




A CLINCHER. 

Sulycct of Discussion " Women's Rights." 
Yuuthful Enthusiast (who has had all the talk to himself). " AND NOW 

THAT I BAVK ESTABLISHED MY POSITION ON AN UNASSAILABLE BASIS, AND 
THOROUGHLY REFUTED BY ANTICIPATION ANT PO88IBLK ARGUMENT YOU MIGHT 
HAVE BROUGHT TO BEAR ON TOUK SIDE OF THK QoMTION, I WILL SAY GoOD- 
BYE FOR I HAV TO CATCH A TRAIN !" 



VICTORIA. 

(S Speech o/BiR 0. Bowiw, Governor of Victoria, at the 
Dinner given to him on Thunday, April 29.) 

HAIL, far colonial Commonwealth, 

Where a young giant, full of health, 

Sprung from the loins of England, grows 

To greatness in a calm repose ; 

Where wealth that comes from crowded mart 

Ii spent on Letters and on Art ; 

Where Englishmen work well together 

Under divine Italian weather ; 

Worthy you are to bear the name 

Of the great Queen whose dearest aim 

Is peace to all beneath her sway 

VICTORIA ! 

Australian waters shall not feel 

The cleavage of a hostile keel, 

Nor foeman's flag from Europe toss 

Beneath the silver Southern Cross : 

There terrors of invasion cease. 

And all men learn the Arts of Peace ; 

There poets of a newer type 

Shall greet us, when the Age is ripe, 

And Melbourne, strong and youthful town, 

Shall share Athenie's Violet Crown, 

Ere many decades pass away 

VICTORIA I 

Shame to the dullards who desire 
To quench our colonising fire, 
To keep the imperial instinct down, 
And make a fool's cap of the Crown. 
It shall not be : while ocean rolls, 
And Englishmen have gallant souls, 
And court the strong heroic hour, 
While Freedom is a word of power, 
While great colonial nations rise 
In alien seas, 'neath unseen skier, 
We do not dread that servile dav 

VICTORIA ! 



A Victim for the General Good. 
(Comfort for Mrs. Maria.) 

THB School Board wants everybody taught to write. 
Harks ought to be done away with among the lower 
classes. 



LORD SALISBURY doesn't believe anything of the kind, and the 
Second Reading was carried by 137 to 60. 

Where such doctors differ so diametrically, Punch would rather 
note the pros and cons than decide between them. 

(Commons.) Financial criticism. GLADSTONE on NORTHCOTE. 
The proverb about two of a trade clearly holds of Budget-makers. 
MB. GLADSTONE set himself to prove (hrst) that SIR STAFFORD'S 
poor little surplus was a delusion, indeed a deficit, and (second) 
his scheme for diminishing the National Debt, by an annual 
appropriation of 28,000,000, a mockery, a delusion, and a snare. 

SIR STAFFORD answered MR. GLADSTONE'S secondly on the " you're 
another " principle, by proving that his scheme of annual appro- 
priations was likely to make a bigger hole in the Debt, and at a 
more rapid rate, than MR. GLADSTONE'S pet plan of terminable 
annuities. As to the surplus, he maintained that if it wasn't 
quite as great as he could have wished, it was not the nullity nay, 
worse than nullity, the deficit that MR. GLADSTONE had contended. 
Result of the night's play, NORTHCOTE wins, honours divided. 



A SUGGESTION FOR THE SCHOOL-BOARD. 

THE School-Boards are doubtless fulfilling a sublime duty in com- 
pelling the children of paupers to go to school, whether or not 
starvation is the consequence. Those who survive the process will, 
no doubt, be uncommonly clever, though, unluckily, the stoutest 
boys and girls are not those who learn best. 

But is there not a chance that the "Residuum" may come to 
know more than their superiors the proletarians than the patri- 
cians? Are there not Biggars, ana Kenealys, and Whalleys 
growing up to dignify the House in the next generation P 

The School-Boards are too lenient and too partial. There should 



be pressure from above as well as below. The house should be get 
on fire at both ends. Begin with the families of Peers and M.P.'s, 
and work downwards as well as upwards. Then the two lines of 
compulsion will meet somewhere in the core of that great Middle 
Class, which, we are assured, by journals claiming an immense cir- 
culation, contains all the virtue and wisdom and energy of England 
and which, therefore, will doubtless be found to have an ideal 
education already, and to be steeped in MR. ARNOLD'S patent Anti- 
Philistine Solution, of which the materials are " Sweetness and 
Light." Only the inventor knows the precise quantity of each 
ingredient. 

When a House controlled, no-^the word is too strong, advised by an 
accomplished debater and tactician, who has taken high honours in 
literature, is thwarted and insulted by men without education or 
courtesy, is it not time to act ? The gentleman who addressed the 
Irish Secretary with " When the Right Honourable Bar'net has 
answered them questions," would clearly be all the better for a 
little education. As he is past the age to learn grammar, might not 
the School-Boards do something for the children of this charming 
class now coming to the front and hindering the work of ability and 
culture by perversity and stupidity ? 

Now here is a practical idea. Let a well-qnalified School-Board 
Visitor be appointed to watch the debates or, better still, one for 
each House, who should attend the sittings, and remain to the last 

When the morning is near, and reporter! hare fled, 
And all but the spirit of dulneu is dead, 

and if any legislator, hereditary or otherwise, make a fool of him- 
self, let that Visitor go straight to his house, and insist on hit 
children being sent to a Board School. Then, perchance, in another 
generation, the floor of the house would not be littered with dropt 
h 'a, and there would be fewer Members who, longing to break their 
opponents' heads, break poor old Priscian's instead. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAT 15, 1875. 



EVERYBODY. 

BAB PUNCH, 

Yotr know 
what a difficulty 
there is about 
getting Recruits, 
and, my dear old 
fellow, you know 
that Mates in the 
.. . Royal Navy were, 
in. an instant, 

turned into Sub- 
Lieut en ant i, 
against your own 

- notions, because 
*-."" brevity is the soul 

of wit, of which 

nare the em- 
iment. Now, 
in a friendly spirit, 
let me ask you il 
you could not raise 
your voice to pro- 
mote the whole 
Army without ex- 
pense, so that the 
private soldier 
may be a thing 
of the past 
like Judy's grandfather. Here is my tabulation : 

Field Marshal Commanding-in-Chief . Sub-Secretary for War. 

General Sub-Field Marshal. 

Lieutenant-General .... Sub-General. 

Major-General Sub-Lieutenant-General. 

Colonel Sub-Major-General. 

Major Sub-Colonel. 

Captain Sub-Major. 

Lieutenant Sub-Captain. 

Sergeant Sub-Sub-Lieutenant. 

Corporal .' Sub-Sergeant. 

Private Sub-CorporaL 

So that, you will see, Recruiting Officers might induce lots of well 
made men to flock to the colours, with the enticing promise of their 
becoming at once Sub-Corporals, and this, mirabile dictu, without 
cost to the country. 

Ever yours, TODDY. 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

A Sale of China at CHBISTTE AND MANSON'S. 

SUDDENLY, I notice, the people are, so to speak, turned off at the 
main, and 1 am absolutely alone on the staircase. I do not see any 
show, or any signs of one. Perhaps, not being an habitue, I do 
not recognise them. I begin to fancy I must have mistaken the 



to stop at your bar for : it is as dry as an extinct volcano. In fact, 
this simile suggests the idea of its having been once a bar in action, 
but now an extinct refreshment bar. 

Room Number One (continued). Samples of porcelain are ar- 
ranged on green baize sideboards against the walla. A few persons 
are bending over them. These are the articles for to-morrow's sale. 
The atmosphere, so to speak, is heavy with the imp9rtance of the 
occasion. People who venture upon speaking, do so in a whisper, 
and are answered with a nod, or a gesture. There 's a Hush ! 
don't-say-you-saw-me-here.-it 's-a-secret " sort of an air about 
everyone. We glide about noiselessly, like timid ghosts, and only 
the occasional creaking of a glass door, leading into another exhibi- 
tion room, disturbs the stillness. It seems as though these mys- 
terious people in the outer chambers were engaged in some pre- 
liminary rites, into which I have intruded myself, without having 
previously learnt the ritual, or the catechism. 

I am impressed by being a stranger and a pilgrim in the land. 
People go up and epeak in a subdued manner to the Clerks at the 
extinct refreshment- bar. They are answered by them with a shake 
of the head ; after which, being of an irrepressibly gay turn, I sup- 
pose, and accustomed to these serious surroundings, they wink and 
laugh at each other, and enjoy some joke, which strikes me as 
necessarily having something profane in it, as I feel that their con- 
duct, like the levity of professional singers in an organ-loft, is quite 
out of keeping with the character of the scene before them. 

Happy Thought. What is the scene before them ? Why, the 
Worship of China, and here, about the room, are the silent devotees. 
But Clerks will be Clerks be they never so clerkly. 
Happy Thfiught.-A.sk. them for a Catalogue. 
Not beiog inclined to waste words on so trite a subject, they shake 
their heads. This not being a sufficient answer for me, I insist 
upon a verbal reply, and am carelessly informed that " There aren't 
any more Catalogues, and there won't be for a couple of hours 
or so." 

O, indeed ! And yet this doesn't appear to be a crowded sale. 
Before me is the Auction-room. The doors are open. I have 
never been into an Auction-room. I have never seen an Auction. 
Hitherto I have always been afraid of going into one, lest I should 
be swallowed up in the whirlpool of bidding. If I see a thing 
marked up "Cheap a bargain," in a shop, 1 can hardly restrain 
myself from going in and buying. But the spirit of competition, 
nay, almost the spirit of gambling, or at least of speculation, is pre- 
sent where everybody's bid is against his neighbour, where the game 
is to bid my neighbour out of doors, where the excitement runs from 
five shillings up to thousands of pounds, and how can an excitable and 
impulsive person, who has once put his foot into it, hope to escape If 
No, I have always felt that I should make a fool of myself at an 
Auction, that, the day after it, I should be the happy possessor of a 
small pale pink shepherd, six inches high, in a black three-cornered 
hat, playing to a foolish-looking lamb with a blue riband round its 
neck ; and my bankers would, at the same time, write to inform me 
I had overdrawn my account by just three hundred and twenty -five 
pounds, six shillings and sixpence halfpenny. 

Happy Thought." That is the sort of man I am "that is what 
I feel 1 should be at an auction, and so I 've hitherto always kept 
out of it. Now I am going into it. 

The Ideal. My notion of an Auction-room was, that I should see 
an excited auctioneer in a wig (why in a wig I can't for the life of 



day. There are offices at the side, closed, ae though the Clerks had 
sold all their tickets, and had shut up for the day. I am the only 
person on the staircase, and, after mounting the steps, I find myself 
the solitary individual on the landing. Yet I have heard that the 
Auction-rooms belonging to MESSES. CHBISTIE AND HANSON are 
always crowded. Where 's the crowd ? 

Happy Thought. The " Auction-rooms " are crowded: not the 
staircase. This is the staircase. What a thing it is to have a 
logical mind ! and to be able to appreciate one's own logic ! 

There is a room straight before me, there is a passage, I fancy, on 
my right, and there is another room on my left. An instinct (what 
instinct ''make a note of it in pocket-book, and go into the subject 
afterwards) tells me that the Auction-room is on my left, i he 
instinct is correct. 

Room Number One. An office on my right, with an open window, 
resembling, on the whole, a refreshment place on the platform of an 
Underground Kailway station, only that there ' nothing to eat on 
the counter, and only two sharp looking Clerks behind it, instead of 
the fair ones with the golden locks and brilliant complexions (but 
falling oft into the third-class housemaid about tie hands just as 
the seductive mermaids rather fall off in their tails), who are called 
to the bar by MESSES. LANCES ANB TANK, the eminent refreshers. 
These two Clerks will not bear inspection, I mean, they won't 
stand being looked at, as they are already assuming a defiant aspect 
towards me, as if saying, "Now then! move tm! What are you 
staring at * for '( _ This isn't MADAME TpseAtro's." True, yon are 



me make out but this was my notion), leaning over a pulpit, with 
his right arm raised in the air holding the hammer (not unlike what 
one occasionally sees now-a-days as a relic of bygone times, the mus- 
cular golden arm and mallet over a goldbeater's shop), and ready to 
come down at the highest price ; that the room would be filled with 
men and women, far more excited than the auctioneer, elbowing, 
shoving, yelling, screaming, while in corners would be the quiet, 
but determined, bidders, nodding their heads off against one 
another, like the old tombola figures of Chinese Mandarins in the 
grocers' windows. 

The .Reo<!. Not a bit of it. Not the least like it. Through the 
open doors I see that the room is full, not inconveniently crowded, 
and again I am surprised ; my first surprise having been on me 
staircase. 

I enter, diffidently. I do not feel sure of my ground. I am not 
altogether certain but that some inadvertent action on my part, such 
as scratching my nose, or raising my hat, or putting up my eye- 
glasses, will be mistaken by the Auctioneer for the sign of an addi- 
tional bid, and that so I might find myself the purchaser of a cup, 
or a vase, or a dish, or perhaps a whole set of most valuable porce- 
lain curiosities, before I know where I am. 

Happy Thought. Keep quiet. Don't catch the Speaker's eye. 
Above all, don't nod. 

Perfect decorum, and indeed an air of repose about the room quite 
inconsistent with my preconceived notion of an Asylum of China- 
maniacs, struggling, waving their hands, and almost upsetting the 
Auctioneer in their frenzy. I think I must have confused bidders 



I not the curiosities I came to see, so 1 will pass on. There is nothing | with bookmakers, and ring-men, at a race meeting. 



MAT 15, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



207 



Everybody here is more or less interested in the proceedings, 
which are. just this moment, apparently at a standstill, arising, it 
might well be, to judge from the tranquillity about me, from the 
Auctioneer's having dropped off to sleep. I have time to look round. 
I should say I am the only accidental visitor present. I wonder ii 
there are many who know less about china than I do. Perhaps. 
If so, those are the real Chinamaniacs. 

The attitude of most here, and the impossibility at first of ascer- 
tainim,' exactly what is going on, suggests the notion of a mixed 
crowd listening to an interesting case in a respectable police-court. 
I have, as it were, evidently entered during the anxious pause 
which intervenes between a crucial question put by the defendant's 
counsel, and the reply of the adverse witness. Everybody is hold- 
ing in, and we are all going to breathe again presently. The state 
ot the case is, that, there has been a bid, and there is now a pause. 
A plate, or a bowl, is under examination. 

The Auot iomrr, in a witness-box, at one end of the room, keeps 
up the notion ot a trial. He seems to be an unwilling witness 
giving liis t-vidence with an air of melancholy regret, which is 
imply touching. He is, so it appears to me, looking round the 
room with a despairing glance, as though trying to discover in the 
crowd some friendly spirit who will understand his sad j 
and to whom he can say (with those pitiful eyes, and not aloud, ot 
course), "Look here! here I am! they've stuck me up here! I 
can't help it ! I can't get out ! I must speak ! it 's a painful, most 
painful position ! " 

Then he seems to address the public in general, in a reproachful 
way (but always with his eyes, of course, and never aloud), " I say, 
you come here, and take up my time. You don't help Me in the 
least. It's no- use talking to you. Do get on I Now, please, for 
my fake, do get on! " 

I have not the slightest doubt that many a svmpathetic soul is 
led into bidding by the plaintive but silent appeals of that apparent 
victim in the Auctioneer's witness-box. I am very nearly crying 
out, half Bobbing too, I am so affected, " Here ! Whatrfo you want ? 
/'// bid. How much 'i Anything to help you and the little ones 
at home, only don't, please, look like that ! How much ? 0, how 
much '( " 

But I restrain myself with the consciousness of having in my 
pocket only a doubtful cab-fare to the place where I am going to 
dine. 

(To be continued.) 



A BOOE AT BURLINGTON HOUSE. 

LAST wnke up on bisnus in Town, 

As I "d got a good aaternoon free, 
I gooze there, afoor I come down, 

The 'Caddummy Picturs to see. 
Them paaintuns quite kiver'd the walls ; 

Twelve hunderd and moor on 'urn, nllun 
As many as ten gurt big halls. 

Massy ho, what a sight for a shillun 1 

Which among all them there works of Art 

Most to prize, if I knows I be blest. 
Sitch a lot there wuz fair of ache sart 

'Twas a hard job to pick out the best. 
There wuz moorland, and woodland, and copse. 

Not from Natur' eyes couldn't scarce know 'urn, 
And a medder, and cam-field, wi" crops 

I could fancy afoor me at whoam. 

And I notus'd an old haythen Greek 

Sart o' stonemason's workshop, for one, 
Wi' sitch statchies and figgers anteek ! 

And, my eye, how the marble wuz done ! 
And a grand Sale by Auction o' Wives 

In Babylon City of old ; 
No sitch bargains our gentlefolks drives ; 

Though their daughters be some on 'urn sold. 

The young lady's renowned " Waterloo." 

And another as drew crowds to stare, 
Out and out beat the very best view 

Ever took droo a peep-show at Fair. 
To be sure there wuz many a score 

0' picture, though nateral and true, 
As we sims to ha sin all afore, 

None o' which represents nothun new. 

There wuz potruts o' coorse you 'd expect, 
Some for Aldermen meant, fat and Dig ; 

But there warn't or 1 doan't recollect 
Nare a likeness I zee of a Pig. 



Ladies, Huntsmen, and Hosses, and Hounds 
Made one canvas to line a wide space. 

Works of Art that spreads out of all bound*, 
I be told, works of merit displace. 

Them huge picturs to hang here 's a plan : 

Our new Inns they be all got too grand 
For to spoort the " White Hart" or " Green Man," 

Draad and daabed by an unbeknown hand. 
But 1 thinks that the Monster design 

Of a gurt Rile Acaddummy Swell 
'Ood jest do to hang out for a sign 

Up in front of a Monster Hotel. 



MAY MEETINGS. 

(From the Prirnte Diary of a May-Mit-ter.) 

ET my tailor, whom I haven't 
seen for two years, during 
which time I 've heard 
from him often. His last 
letter, a week since, was 
returned to the Post Of- 
fice unopened with " Try 
Hoiith ('nat of Africa, 
written outside. Met his 
demand half way. 

Met with great polite- 
ness from a Cabman. 
Found, subsequently, I 'd 
given him half a sovereign 
for sixpence. 

Met, in the Park, 
MKS. .SPANKIE FLIPPER- 
TON driving her showy 
pair. Offered me a seat 
in her trap. Couldn't 
refuse. Accepted. Charm- 
ing. Envy of everybody. 
Met my Mother-in-law 
and wife driving home 
from an Exeter Hall 
meeting. [Personal ex- 
planation in the house 
afterwards.] 

Met Miss BRTLLIANTTNE at a " small "nd early." Wife said she 
didn't think her pretty, but too posf and loud. Agreed with my 
wife on the subject, and so signed the Peace Preservation Act. 

Met, in Kensington Gardens, quite accidentally, Miss BRILLIANTIKE, 
with her friends with whom she is staying. Friends disappeared. 
Miss BRILLIANTENE'S name is ETHEL. Pretty. She is not a bit 
pose or loud. Never thought she was. She is clever, very. Inte- 
resting conversation. Side walk, under an avenue. Theme, "Love 
at first sight." She is a sceptic. I am convincing her. Met suddenly 
our nurse with all my children. They call out, "Papa! Papa!" 
.... While walking home alone think how to meet the difficulty. 
Children safe to talk. 

Met with a scowl from my Mother-in-law in consequence of the 
children having arrived before me with the information. 
Went into the City. Met a bill at my banker's. Satisfactory. 




Commemoration Week. 

TO BE LET The largest HOUKK in Oxford, the present Inha- 
bitant* having received notice to quit for the occaiion. Excellent 
dining-room approached by a noble staircase. Several breakfast-rooms and 
one large Tea-chest. Poetic ground* planted with academic Laurels. Orna- 
mental fountain, &c. Dogs, Dancing, and GVinrf- organ* objected to. No 
balls except indiarubber ones allowed on the premises. Rent (with th use of 
several Coaehef) very moderate. N.B. A few Grata are wanting, and most 
of the rooms are given to smoke, otherwise the Home is in first-rate order. 
Apply to the " Porter," Cardinal House, Oxford. 



Grand Finale. 

THE Morning Post of Monday, at the close of its descrip- 
tion of the Royal Academy dinner, contains the startling informa- 
tion that "the company left the banqueting-hall, and partook of a 
service of tea and coffee." Probably the President, under the 
influence of the occasion, swallowed a butter-dish ; and, if his Royal 
Highness the PRINCE OF WALES bolted a sugar-basin, he may have 
Felt the want of the utensil to accommodate the saccharine matter 
with which he has been surfeited at this and other public dinners. 



208 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 15, 1875. 




CHACUN POUR SOI." 

Mamma (sternly). " Now, MIRIAM, SAY GRACE." 

Miriam^ (who, for previous Misconduct, has oeert, deprived of Pudding). " FOR ALL Tiisr HAVB RECEIVED, LET TUSK BE TRri.7 



THE PROGRESS OF PUBLIC BUSINESS. 

THE following: will be the order of business in the House of Com- 
mons to-morrow night. The names of the Honourable Members 
who will bring- forward the various subjects not having yet been 
ascertained, they are, for obvious reasons, suppressed. 

An Honourable Member will rise to make a personal explanation. 

An Honourable Member will present petitions from Hanwell, 
x>lney Hatch, and Earlswood, praying that the Claimant may be 
ned again by the same tribunal that acquitted the GUICOWAB OF 
JABODA. 

An Honourable Member will espy strangers in the gallery. 

An Honourable Member will endeavour to Count Out the House. 

An Honourable Member will ask the FIBST LORD OF THE TBEA- 
CTBY whether it is his intention to move the adjournment of the 
House over the Derby Day, and if so, in view of the possible admis- 
lon of ladies as representatives in Parliament, whether it would not 
.e expedient to create the precedent of adjourning over the Oaks 
My as well. 

An Honourable Member will draw the attention of the FIBST 
COMMISSIONER to the defective ventilation of the House. 

An Honourable Member will move that the Standing Orders of 
he House ehall be suspended. 

An Honourable Member will ask the Prime Minister when the 
Whitsuntide Recess will commence and terminate. 

An Honourable Member will, when there are fifty Members in 
House, call the attention of the SPEAKER to the fact that there 
are not forty Members present. 

An Honourable Member will make a personal explanation. 

An Honourable Member will move the recognition of the Carlists, 
to Fenians, the Red Indians, the Peculiar People, the Shakers, and 
tie Englishman. 

An Honourable Member will ask the FIBST LOBD OF THE TKEA- 

? T rr e 8ession is likely to terminate. 

An Honourable Member will move for leave to bring in a BUI for 
he increase of the number of Bank Holidays to one a week. 



An Honourable Member will move for a return of the Umbrella he 
lent to another Honourable Member on leaving the House the other 
night. 

An Honourable Member will ask the FIRST LORD OF THE TREA- 
SURY whether the usual Whitebait Dinner at Greenwich will take 
place this year, and will move a resolution. 

An Honourable Member will call the attention of the FIRST COM- 
MISSIONER OF WORKS to the defective stuffing of the Seats in the 
House. 

An Honourable Member will call the attention of the House to 
the defective Stuffing of the Roast Ducks in the Dining-room. 

An Honourable Member will rise to make a personal explanation, 
but, 

An Honourable Member will Count Out the House. 



(P)IO TRIUMPHE! 

IN spite of friend WHALLEY, 
Who growls " It 's all no go," 

Things still seem quite jolly 
With POPE Pio NONO. 

He sends his Ablegate 
And COUNT MAREFOSCHI 

The Cardinal's Red Hat 
To clap on MCCLOSKEY I 

Hail with loud "jubilate " 
The first Hat in Yankeedom ; 

Et "retro" clamate, 
To MOODY and SANKBY-dom ! 



VOL AIT VENT A LA FINANCI^RE. The robberies ventilated before 
the Foreign Loans Commission. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAY 15, 1875. 




DIZZY DBOWSY!!! 



RIGHT HONOURABLE P. " WAKE UP! WAKE UP, SIR! THOSE IRISHMEN ARE AT IT AGAIN-' SEEING 
STRANGERS ! ' " 

RIGHT HONOTOABLE D. "0, BOTHER! WHAT DOES IT MATTER! WE'RE ALL RIGHT!" 



MAT 15, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




A PARLIAMENTARY REPORT AS IT SHOULD BE. 

Respectfully dedicated to MR. MlTCHELL-HENRY. 

T at four o'clock. The 
Official Verbatim Reporter 
(who is now daily in at- 
tendance, in compliance 
with the terms of ME. 
MITCHELL - HENRY'S Mo- 
tion) having taken his 
seat, the proceedings com- 
menced. The first busi- 
ness on the Paper was 
the adjourned debate on 
the Proposed Annexation 
of Central Africa. 

The following is a 
verbatim report of the 
speeches : 

MR. FLITTEEBT STUTTER 
aid: Sir MR. SPEAKER 
the fact is well, unac- 
customed as I am to public 
speaking well, you know. 
1 hope the House will show 
me in point of fact, you 
know some indulgence. 
("Hear, hear!") The 
fact is. this occasion I 
mean the present occasion 
is the hrst time. In 
point of fact, I have never 

addressed an audience before. I printed my speeches at my elec- 
tion, you know. To tell the truth, this is what I may call, you 
know, in point of fact this is my maiden speech. (Cheers.) As I 
said before, my maiden speech (" hear .' ") my maiden speech. Of 
course, when a man is addressing any body for the first time, you 
know unaccustomed as I am to public speaking (" hear ! "), I am 
sure it is very kind of the House to afford me this in point of fact 
this indulgence. I have much pleasure, in obedience to the 
feelings of my constituents, in supporting the Motion that I mean, 

fou know, the Annexation of Central Africa. (" Hear, hear ! ") 
have put together some valuable statistics, and I beg the 
indulgence of the House. (Cheers.) The fact is, Gentlemen, I 
mean Sir (laughter) I repeat I mean Sir, the notes I hold in my 
hand have, I am afraid, got rather mixed up. (A laugh.) I repeat 
mixed up ; and, to tell the truth, I 'm afraid really, 1 can't exactly 
make head or tail of them. (Laughter.) I repeat, head or tail of them 
(a hnigh) head or tail of them. As far as I can make out, I wanted 
to say that Great Britain was a great nation (" hear, hear ! "), and 
I find that I had some poetry. (Laughter.) I repeat, poetry (a 
laugh) poetry. But the fact is, you know, my Secretary, who 
looks after these things for me, writes an awfully bad hand, and I 
am hanged (loud cries of "Order."') I apologise. ("Hear, 
hear .' ") I am sure I can't make out what he has written, you 
know, Sir, I mean, that is, MR. SPEAKER, I do not wish to detain 
the House longer than is necessary, as I am sure you know more 
about Central Africa than I do. (" JVo, no .' " and a laugh.) It 
seems to me we should annex it. (Opposition cheers.) At least, so 
I 'm told. Central Africa is a very large place. (" Hear, hear .' ") 
The British Hag has braved the battle and the breeze for several 
thousand years ; at least, so far as I can make out, that seems to 
be the thing I have got in the notes that I now hold in my hand. 
I am sure that the people living in Central Africa would be pleased 
if we annexed Central Africa. At least, some of my constituents, 
you know, who are very deeply interested in Central Africa I don't 
know why (laughter) I repeat, I don't know why (a laugh) I don't 
know why seem to think so. (A laugh.) I repeat, seem to think so. 
In point of fact, when I consider I mean, when I think as a 
matter of historical accuracy, I crave the indulgence of the House 
(rhn ;), but the fact is, I promised them I mean, you know, the 
Central African Association they have a branch down at my place, 
you know to speak upon this subject, and, as a matter of fact, I 
have spoken upon this subject. (Cheers.) I can't help feeling that 
I have wasted the time of the House, as I am sure nobody cares 
two pins about Central Africa. I ani sure I don't. (Laughter.) I 
say I am sure I don't. In fact, why should we annex Central 
Africa? (Ministerial Cheers.) And, therefore, in point of fact, I 
have much pleasure in supporting the Motion I mean, Gentlemen, 
I beg pardon, I should say MR. SPEAKER the Motion " that Her 
Majesty's Government do immediately take steps to annex Central 
Africa." ("Hear!") 

MR. PROST said : It is with feelings of no small interest that I 
rise to support the view that has been so powerfully advocated by the 
Honourable Gentleman who has just resumed his seat 



At this point an Honourable Member called attention to the fact 
that there were not forty Members present. The House having 
been counted, it was found that forty-one Members were in their 
places. 

MR. PROSY resumed : It is with feelings of no small interest that 
I raise my feeble voice (" hear, hear ! ") in favour of the Motion 
that has just been supported in such felicitous terms. With your 
permission, Sir, and with the permission of this Honourable House. 
I will give you a short history of that Nation of which we are all 
so proud, of which Nation we have such good reason for boasting, in 
short a history of England. Now, Sir, I find that, B.C. M, this 
island was invaded by Jutrus C;KSAR. (" Hear .' ") The Roman 
Emperor was lured (so says the legend) not by the greed of gain, 
not by the dream of victory, but rather by the desire to taste, in 
their native homo, those succulent objects of the sea-shore, which 
we are accustomed in this nineteenth century this century of 
luxury, progress, and refinement to associate with codfish. I 
allude, Sir, to the Oyster. (" Hear.' hear ! ") Yes, Sir, in B.C. 55, 
Juxius CJESAB, of whom I may be permitted to say, " tiara aris in 
tt'rris, nigroque simillima cycno " (cheers), invaded these shores. I 
will now trace the history of England from that date up to the 
present time, and I think, Sir, when I have finished my retrospec- 
tive view of the past, that you will agree with me that the annexa- 
tion of Central Africa should be one of the dearest desires of the 
future 

At this point it was found that the Official Verbatim Reporter 
was fast asleep. As no further proceedings could be reported, and 
as all efforts to awaken the Official Reporter were found ineffectual, 
the adjournment of the Debate was formally agreed to. 

The House adjourned at five o'clock. 



SCHOOL REPORTS OF THE FUTURE. 

DEAR MK. Puscn, 

Mr experience of to-day justifies me, I think, in antici- 
pating for my Son's son, when he goes to a Public School, some such 
School Report as the enclosed. 

Your obedient Servant, 

PETER PATERFAMILIAS. 

ST. PAUL'S COLLEGE, EASTMINSTER. 

Report for First Term a/1895. 
NAME" PATERFAMILIAS SECUNDUS." SET II. 



Subject. 


Place in Set. 


Remarks. 


1. FOOTBALL. 


Back. 


Is not wanting in pluck should allow 
more for the wind in his drop-kick*. 


2. lillA'l IMi. 


Ko.7. 


Hai overcome hit "screwing " pro- 
pensity hangs a little on the 
feather. 


3. RACQUETS. 




Is getting to place his balls lower, but 
has not yet broken himself of shut- 
ting his eyes on the stroke. 


4. BOXINO. 




Striking out better from the shoulder, 
but still will anticipate his parry. 


5. CRICKET. 


Point. 


A sure catch. Fair change bowler, 
and is improving. Might bat 
squarer, and wants confidence. 


6. GYMNASIUM. 




Parallel ban, good. Will do the 
"back circle next Term. Vault- 
ing moderate. 


7. ATHLETIC 
SPORT*. 


First in Mile 
Tinder 16. 


Time in long races good, but trusts too 
much to ni spurt. Does better at 
long jumping than high. Patting 
the weight, wwk. 


-,_ _ ( OaaeKt Jttport . 
CONDUCT \ a<aue-Mmter'i Report . 


PaiBstaking seems to have ambition. 
Obedient, except that he will prac- 
tise fives in his bed-room. 


HEAD-MASTER'S REMARKS ON 

FORM-WOTllt. 


[To observations ; the weather having 
been so line this Term that every 
day has been 4erotcd to game*. 



ARNOLD BUSBY BROWK, 

{Formerly Stroke of the Lady Margaret Eight, and 
'Captain of tht Cambridge Eitren,) 

HEAD MASTEK. 



NEW IHDIAK CONDIMENT. LORD NORTHBROOK'S Baroda Pickle. 



212 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 15, 1875. 



- 




IRREVERENT. 

Cabby. " Now THEK, GOVB'NOR, WHEN YOU 'VE DONE PLAYIN' WITH THEM ROCKIN" "ORSES, PERHAPS YOU' LL GET ON ? " 



FANATICS F. FISHES. 

RSDVCTIO ad absurdum is the Order of the Day. This not only in 
the House of Commons. The Working Men's Lord's Day Rest 
alias Observance Association boasted of having got the Brighton 
Aquarium decided to he, within the purview of GEOHGE THE 
THIRD'S Sunday Act, " a disorderly house." Let them see what is 
likely to come of their triumph. Here is a little paragraph of news 
which may foreshow them how much they will have taken in the 
end by their motion for the time successful to close an instructive 
and entertaining place of resort, and interfere with the Sunday 
recreations of the Public : 

"SUNDAY CLOSING AND THE BRIGHTON AQUARIUM. The decision of 
the Court of Queen's Bench against the Brighton Aquarium Company, iii the 
late action brought against it lor opening on Sunday, was fully considered at 
the board meeting on Saturday, and communications were read from various 
institutions similarly affected. It was determined to make every effort to 
obtain the immediate repeal or modification of the Act under which this and 
other institutions are liable to such heavy penalties." 

To get any ridiculously unbearable law or usage abrogated, 
enforce it. 

_ In pressing a Sabbatarian statute against an admirable Institu- 
tion, the Sunday Observance Associates did the same kind of good 
that certain Honourable Gentlemen exceptions to Collective 
Wisdom have done by abusing the privilege of excluding 
strangers. Moreover, the Sabbatarians have succeeded in obtaining 
not only a judicial declaration of their precious law, hut also a 
judicial disapproval of it. The necessary decision of the Judges in 
favour of a vexatious prosecution was given " with every expression 
of regret." This regret will be an argument for the repeal of 
a Sabbatarian statute which would never nave existed if the Sabba- 
tarians had not evoked it. The speedy consequence of the judgment 
they have got to shut up the Brighton Aquarium, we may hope, 
will be that both it and the museums, picture galleries, and all 
other exhibitions tending to improve the popular mind, will be 
legally thrown open on the weekly holiday. 
Surely the EAKL OP SHAFTESBCKY will withdraw his countenance 



from a confederation of zealots who discredit religion, impede pro- 
gress, and promote the consumption of intoxicating liquors. The 
next time they ask the noble Lord to take the chair at one of their 
meetings, perhaps he will send them to officiate in his stead the 
donkey with which he was presented the other day by the coster- 
mongers. The fittest of creatures to preside over people who do not 
see that Sunday should be a day of recreation as well as rest is an 



"HE TOO WAS BORN IN ARCADIA." 
(MATTHEW ARNOLD on DISRAELI at the Ti.A. Dinner.') 

BOKN in Arcadia ! Ay, he knew 

Pan's cloven foot-print on the dew, 

And heard, the mystic wooda across, 

Aigipodes, Philokrotos, 

" The bright-haired god of pastoral,"* 

With pipings to his wood-nymphs call. 

Yes, but a nobler sound there came 

The clarion of imperial Fame, 

By which our greatest are withdrawn 

From the serene Arcadian lawn. 

DEBBY and GLADSTONE felt the breeze 
That urged their sails to Homer's seas ; 
Yet in the Senate found their fate, 
And drank the hot wine of debate. 
Perish the thought that England's realm 
Should e'er have dullards at the helm ! 
Far from us be the stolid serf 
Who ne'er has trod Arcadian turf, 
Nor heard, amid the glimmering trees, 
Pan's happy Orestiades. 

CHAPMAN : Homeric Hymns. 



TBOUBLESOICE FOREIGN RELATIONS (JUST NOW). Cousins German. 



MAT 15, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



213 



PUNCH IN THE PARK. 




BOUND me, in Spring's green arrayed, 

Horse-Chestnuts present arms 
"With planes whose leafy tribute 's paid 

The last to Spring's coy charms. 
Of all the crowds that throng the Row, 

To be seen or to see, 
With one fair face, of all I know, 

May my May Meeting be. 



What though young puppies dare to link 

" Old fogy " with my name ! 
Mi/ moustache cuts out theirs, I think ; 

In my boots they M go lame. 
While from my hack I greet my fair 

In her chair near the rail, 
Thank POOLE'S cut and my raven hair, 

None can say I look stale. 



Punch is perennial ilfaut 

I like my French to air 
Ilfaut touffrir pour etre beau, 

And suffering 'tis, I swear. 
I scarce know in which work I 've gone 

More awful tortures through, 
To induce trousers legs upon, 

Or feet in boots to screw. 



But on both boots and trouseis are, 

And waxed moustache as well 
And smartest of the Ride, by far, 

See Punch bears off the belle. 
So well he reins his glossy hack, 

So swell he looks and sly 
With taille so trim, moustache to black, 

And no green in his eye ! 



WIT AND WATER. 

AT a Meeting for the formation of a Branch of the Church of 
England Temperance Society at Newport in the Isle of Wight- 
according to a Report of it a resolution haying been proposed : 

" The HEV. W. BARKER, in seconding the resolution, said he felt consider- 
able diffidence in following a speaker in whose very name was music." 

[Namely the RET. ERNEST WILBERFOBCE. Is the Reverend 
Gentleman a Precentor? Is he an instrumentalist or a vocalist? 
Or has he any namesake who is or was a composer ?] 

"The mover of the resolution had completely taken the wind out of his 
sails, but he hoped to be able to make headway, and get at length to port. 
[Mu. WILBEKPORCB: Don't say 'port.' Say ' water.' J (Laughter.)" 

Thus we find a preacher of Temperance taking, as it were, a leaf 
out of the book the better book of SIB WILFRID LAWSOIT. Let 
not that volume be called Joe Millet but the Honourable Member 
for Carlisle has lately adopted the policy of pleading for liquor laws 
in a facetious vein. The REV. MR. WILBERFORCK, though the 
Church of England Temperance Society professes the Voluntary, 
not the Prohibitive Principle, is a Total Abstainer, as SIR WILFRID 
may or may not be ; but anyhow the Reverend Gentleman can, like 
the Honourable Baronet, crack a joke. The former, at any rate, 
cracks jokes against port upon water. That is harder than to be 
iocose against intoxicating liquors on champagne. But mere jokes 
break no bones, and infringe no liberty. The more witticisms on 
behalf of voluntary teetotalism, the merrier. 

It is remarkable that one of the speakers at this Church of Eng- 
land Temperance Meeting was a Wesleyan Minister, the REV. W. 
MOISTEB. We have heard of Wet Quakers, but here is a Moister 



Methodist say not the difference is one of degree. The humour of 
MOISTEB. as compared with that of WILBERFORCB, may be thought 
drier. He stated that 

" After thirty-three years trial of total abstinence, during which time he 
had been in some of the most unhealthy climates in the world, he found it 
good for the body, and good for the soul, and good for the pocket, and good 
for thit world, and good for the world to come. 

That last goodness may be an article of belief ; but have you 
found it a matter of experience already, good MR. MOISTER ? Then 
are you a Spiritual Medium as well as a M mister '( Do you converse 
with ghosts ? Excuse the question ; doubtless your meaning was 
quite right, most excellent MOISTER. 

Still, though a joke 's a joke, perhaps it is too much of a joke to 
joke people into taking the pledge. The Total Abstinence pledge is 
no joke : 

" Drink to me only with thine eyes, 
And I will pledge with mine. 

This sort of pledge in regard to drinking, if duly observed, will 
keep any one sober enough. Sufficient for its purpose is the wit 
which inspires a firm resolution to use " a good familiar creature," 
and not abuse it. However, practise Teetotalism if you please, so 
long as you regularly take your Punch. 



Whist (and its Lights). 

SOME take a birdseye view of Whist, 
Some seek returns from play, 

Others on Cavendish insist 
Punch smokes them all in Clay ! 



214 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 15, 1875. 




A Case for Cod-Liver Oil. 

Is the ventilation of the British Chamber of Deputies 
out of order ? Are the Members incautious as to diet ; 
do they keep late hours, or in any other way transgress 
sanitary laws ? Because a fear is very generally ex- 
pressed that the House of Commons is so far gone in 
Old Gentleman, frae Aberdeen (at the Exhibition). " I RAY, Jo.icx, J.OOK vy decline that many people predict a complete break up of 

THB CAT'UidK AN 8KB FA THAT IS Wl' THE 'BiiECBUH' [HoilSE-COLLAK] ON!" J. B.'s Constitution. 



"THE VERNACULAR.' 



DUFEER, DICTATOR. 

ANOTHER Republic from PLATO'S 

Is that where such Orators rule : 
He comes from the Isle of Potatoes ; 

On the Saxon looks down as a fool. 
For hours he can talk without stammer ; 

Great in brag as in blarney is he : 
And the remarkable grammar 

Of DUFFEB, M.P. ! 

Once the PBEMIEK'S keen sword-thrust decided 
The fate of such blockheads at once ; 

But the Duffer, rhinoceros-hided, 
Has nine lives of an average dunce. 

For the man we once looked to to squeneh him, 
While drowsy as DIZZY is he, 

How long shall his own brass entrench him, 
This DCFFEH, M.P. ? 

Are we doomed to a circus eternal, 
With PUKCELL O'GoKMAN as Clown ? 

Ah me, for one hour of our BEKNAL, 
Ouce Member for Waterford town ! 

He brooked alike fustian and fudge ill, 
And his mind he spoke fearless and free : 

And he kept an appropriate cudgel 

For DUFFEK, M.P. 

Sleeps the Chief of the House, in oblivion 

Deserting on Lethe's dull shore, 
His earliest hero, the Victim, 

AVho knew how to shut up a bore ? 
A House with no Leader within it, 

Worse led, methinks, scarcely could be, 
Than the one that wastes many a minute 
On DUFFEB, M.P. ! 



ORTHOGRAPHY IX THE NURSERY. 

THE School-Boards have decided to carry their operations into 
the Nursery, being well aware that " as the twig is bent the bough's 
inclined." 

.Nursemaids and nursery-governesses will henceforth be required 
to inculcate nursery rhymes scientifically devised to teach ortho- 
graphy. We have been favoured with some early specimens. They 
are arranged with extreme ingenuity to suit the names of the young 
folk, which of course it is advisable they should learn early to spell, 
Exempli gratia : 

I. 

My pretty baby, 
My sweet M-A-B, 

With dimpled knuckles and eyes so blue, 
I 've an idea 
Your P-a-p-a 
Is bringing a toy for y-o-u. 

it. 

Ah, JOHNNIE my boy, to the City you '11 go, 
And you 'It soon spell C-6-n-t-a-n-g-o, 
And your joy, my dear JOHNNIE, it ever will be 
To lay up a store of nice g-o-l-d ; 
Then the prettiest of boys will be wisest of men, 
My dear little City boy, J-O-H-N. 

ni. 

L-T7-C-T 

Is not at all shy. 
A pert little ilirt is she, she, she, 

And I guess, by-and-by, 

She will t-r-y 
To marry a 1-o-r-d, d, d. 

The admixture of practical philosophy with these elementary 
spelling lessons cannot be too much admired. 



CONVERSION AND CANT. 

THE walls of Her Majesty's Opera House walls have ears heard 
a statement the other morning which, within the hearing of such 
walls, appears to have been uncommonly out of place. At "a 
meeting for a conference on religious subjects," present " a number 
of clergymen and other persons of various denominations from all 
parts of the United Kingdom, and many from America and the 
Continent," they heard, according to the Pall Hull Gazette, the 
REV. W. KELMAN, of Edinburgh, eulogising the effects of 
Revivalism in that City, say, amongst other things, that: 

" The number of drunkards and theatre-goers who had been reclaimed had 
been very remarkable." 

Drunkards and theatre-goers ! What a very remarkable employ- 
ment, in an Opera-house, above all houses, of the word " and." 
Intervening between "theatre-goers" and "drunkards," it places 
them in an apposition the same as that of publicans and sinners, 
thieves and robbers, rogues and vagabonds. We are accustomed to 
have drunkards and gluttons, or drunkards and other slaves to vice, 
named together, but which of the moral or spiritual laws is broken 
by theatre-goers ? Is such nonsense as that above-quoted really a 
characteristic ingredient of " Revivalism " ? If so, then the revival 
of Revivalists is in part the revival of the most illiberal and 
illiterate phase of snuffling Puritanism. That is saying little, for 
the modern Barebones have not the excuse of a licentious drama for 
abusing the stage. Let them reform their abusive language, give 
over talking of " drunkards and theatre-goers," and learn to use 
the copulative conjunction in the right place; as, for instance, in 
such connection as to imply similarity between persons so really 
like one another as hypocrites and humbugs. 



Al'PBOPKIATE MUSIC. 



GLEE for the Passengers on the Great Western Railway, as 
the train approaches Wednesbury (honeycombed with coal- workings) 
" Softly tread, 'tis hollowed ground." 



MAY 22, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



215 




PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 

ABLIAMENTABY 

winding up week 
before Whitsun- 
tide. General 
cleaning, mak- 
ing all a-taunto, 
and flemishing 
down, as they 
say aboard ship. 
Monday, May 
Wth (Lords). 
Railway Acci- 
dents discussed 
in a light and 
airy tone. The 
only Peers dam- 
aged in this way 
lately have been 
piers of railway- 
bridges. Agricultural Holdings Amend- 
ments considered, and Bill reported 
therewith. DUKE OP ABGYLL solemnly 
adjured LOBD CHANCELLOR. Would he 
answer for the Bill as it stood amended 
that freedom of contract was maintained 
by itP THE LOBD CHAKCELLOB would 
answer for it, in so far as any statute 
could be answered for. In their Lord- 
ships' Monday business Punch notes the 
nsing of a " Piers and Harbours Con- 
lation Bill." That Peers should be 
confirmed (at a proper age) is only right 
and proper, but the confirmation of Har- 
bours is a new ceremony. Probably it 

has been thought becoming, since we have employed THE ABCH- 
BISHOP OF CANTBBBUBY in christening ships of war. 

(Common*.) Questions, answers, announcements of good in- 
} tentions, and promises of consideration, with due allowance of 

laughter, by way of lever de rideau. 

Among the questions, one from MB. STACPOOLE, when the 
Whitsuntide holidays would be fixed, on which the Head 

Master startled the school by the solemn announcement that he did not at that moment feel sure that 
it would be his pleasing duty to fix any Whitsuntide holidays at all. But if they were good boys, 
and got on with their tasks, he would see. Peace Preservation Bill, as amended, brought up for 
consideration. Most of the Amendments, already rejected, brought up again, in new forms, by the 
Home-Rulers, and rejected again. So the night was consumed, till- 
Thrice they routed Home-Rule foes, 
And thrice they slew their slain. 

There was one passage of arms and fun between our own Major and MB. MACABTHT DOWSING. 
The Major had written to ask MB. M. D. by what authority he had thanked the Government, the 
other night, for their courtesy .in the Peace Preservation discussions. MB. M. D. wanted to read his 
reply to the Major. The Major insisted on his letter being read first. The House, mindful of the 
fun of the Major s speeches, was delighted to hear one of his letters. So it was read ; and then came 
MB. DOWNING 8 answer, and then the Major asked for a reading of his answer to MB. D.'s answer. 
Then up jumped the irrepressible BIGGAB, and, jealous of the success of the Major as a complete 
letter-writer, asked that his letter to ME. DOWNING might be read for so he pronounced the word 
verbattim. This was too much ; and BIGGAB was at once sat upon. By midnight the Bill as amended 
was disposed of amid cheers. 

Tuesday (Lords}. The EARL OF SHAFTESBUBY moved the Second Reading of his Bill to Prevent the 
Cruelties of Chimney-sweeping by Climbing-boys, which, though illegal, is still largely practised. 
The Bill would compel all master chimney-sweeps to take out licences, revocable on breach of the law. 
Punch has no heart to joke on this sad and sickening subject of the cruelties still perpetrated, 
in defiance of the law, on wretched little Climbing-boys and winked at, he blushes to say, by local 
authorities. Facit indignatio versum. He has spoken his heart out on the matter in metre in the 
present number. The Bill was read a Second Time, and Punch heartily prays may become law this 
year. The Session will, in that case, have done something to lessen the sum-total of human suffering. 

Artisans' Dwellings Bill read a Second Time. Punch is sorry to see LOBD SHAFTESBUBY hopes for 
little good from it. He ought to know. What we want is more Shaftesbury towns, like that near 
Clapham Junction, where working men may enjoy the luxuries of light, cleanliness, space, fresh air, 
and comfortable dwellings, at rents not exorbitant, and within a distance not incompatible with the 
conditions of their labour. If we could only decant the London slums into the London suburbs I 

After a sharp epar between LOBD SANDHUBST and the DUKE OF RICHMOND, the Regimental 
Exchanges Bill passed through Committee. 

(Commons Morning Sitting.) MB. BOUBKE, in answer to SIB C. DILKE, said that the Government 
had that morning received from Berlin assurances of a thoroughly satisfactory character, and that 
the Government was of opinion that there was no further cause for apprehension as to the maintenance 
of peace in Europe. ~ ^~ 

The ugly fact remains that there has been such cause. All the mor(i~thanks to our Bear, who 
has danced " to the genteelest of tunes " this time. Perhaps, indeed Punch thinks very probably 
ISMABCK played to him, and he has recorded his belief accordingly. But whichever made the music, 
Czar or Chancellor, the right tune seems to have been hit upon. (See Cartoon.) 



MB. WHALLKT made an af- 
fecting appeal on behalf of the 
Claimant and referred to his 
complaints in the ' Tizer of short 
allowance of food and physic at 
Dartmoor. 

MB. CBOSS, admitting that the 
prisoner has fallen off consider- 
ably in weight, thinks this was 
only to be expected, and rather 
for his good than otherwise. 

So does Punch, and the rational 
Public will probably agree with 
him. The medical officer is watch- 
ing the case, and will feed or 
physic the Claimant as his bodily 
needs may dictate. 
> SIB WILFBID wanted to know 
if MB. DISBAELI meant to adjourn 
over the Derby Day. MB. 
DISBAELI gravely said, " he 
should consider the subject." 
Poor ' ' consideration "I How art 
thpu fallen, when even a Prime 
Minister dares thus poke fun at 
thee ! But our chief Augur should 
really take care. The two Heads 
Government and Opposition 
may exchange a harmless snig- 
ger, but it isn't well to laugh 
right out in the presence of the 
whole College. 

Third Reading of the Peace 
Preservation Bill. The Home- 
Rulers fought to the last, on M it. 
BUTT'S Motion for third reading 
that day six months, negatived 
by 287 to 70, and Bill passed. 
D. L. "All's well that ends 
well." 

A fight over the Bill for creat- 
ing a new Bishop of St. Alban's. 
to make a fourth Episcopal head 
for the enormous population now 
left with three such heads only 
London, Rochester, and Win- 
chester. That this three-headed 
Episcopal Giant is not enough 
for the work may be taken for 
granted. A fourth head is none 
too many. 

MB. RICHABD, as in Quaker- 
duty bound, opposed the Bill, in 
a speech as thick-set with plums 
of petitio principii. and as rich 
in inconsequential logic, as any 
ever spoken in Parliament and 
that's a bold word. 

MB. HOPE answered him, and 
told hit " flattering tale " of the 
Church and the Bill. SIB W. 
HABCOUBT would support the Bill 
because it was one for making 
a State Bishop for a State Church, 
and because the best point in the 
constitution .of the Church of 
England was that it was a State 
Church. ... In other words, SIB 
W. HABCOUBT sees the Church's 
highest recommendation in that 
which is its sentence of condem- 
nation for MR. RICHABD. MB. 
CBOSS summed up sensibly, for 
the Church, the Bishops, and 
the Bill, which passed Second 
Reading by 273 to 61. Food and 
Drugs' Bill in Committee. The 
Government accepts an amend- 
ment, throwing all analyses on 
Somerset House Laboratory. DB. 
PLAYFATB warned them of the 
seriousness of the responsibility 
they are thus assuming. MB. 
SCLATEB-BOOTH accepts it "de 
cceur Uger" The only thing that 



VOL. Lxvni. 



216 



PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 22, 1875. 



occurs to Mr. Punch by way of comment at this act of courage 
is, that MB. SCLATEB-BOOTH knows nothing about the matter and 
DR. PLAYFAIR knows a good deal. 

Norwich Election Report. Poor MB. TILLETT out again, though 
his hands are quite clean more than Norwich s are, though Ma. 
JUSTICE LUSH puts his conclusions very gingerly : He is not in a 
position to report, as an ascertained fact, that corrupt practices had 
extensively prevailed at the Election; but he is of ^opinion that 
there teas reason to believe they had." A fine example of the cautious 
accuracy of the judicial mind ! In the evening the House was 
Counted Out at five minutes past nine. 

Wednesday. MR. WHALUS? means to present further Petitions 
on the TlCHJiORNE Case. Where is the Doctor ? Irish Coroners 
and Infanticide Bills read a Second Time, Irish Towns-Rating 
talked out its natural fate. Vivisection Bill (DR. PLAYFAIR), and 
Autumnal Manoeuvres (MR. HARDY) brought in. 

Thursday. MX.. BARCLAY complained of Tuesday night's Count 
Out. It turns out to have been a case of that wise way of conducting 
their own business, which Punch has often praised in the Members 
for " caany " Scotland. They did not think MB. BARCLAY had any 
right to take up the time of the House, so they stayed away, and 
intimated as much to MB. HART DIKE, who whipped out the House 
accordingly. In spite of the presence of a number of Iriah Members, 
who attended in pursuance of their patriotic design of impeding 
business and making Members' lives a burden to them, the House 
teas Counted Oat, aud MB. H. DIKE earned thereby the grati- 
tude of all sensible M.P's., though he may have incurred the male- 
dictions of the hobby-riders, whose manege it is one of his 
most useful functions to prevent. Why, indeed, should there not 
be a board permanently fixed up in the House, as there is for the 
warning of grooms in some of the Parks and Commons, "Hobbies 
not'allowed to be eiarcised here." 

Food and Drugs Bill advanced, and Bishopric of St. Alban's Bill 
passed through Committee. Bill to facilitate and simplify Loans 
by Local Authorities read a Second Time ; ditto Metropolitan Gas, 
and referred to a Select Committee. 

A row over Irish Town Rating everybody rating everybody. 
There had evidently been a misunderstanding about the adjourn- 
ment of the Debate, but nobody seemed to know what had been 
agreed to and what had not; so, after a long and loud cross-fire of 
confused contradictions, the Debate on the Bill was adjourned till 
after the holidays, and the House till Thursday the twentieth. 

Friday. The Lords met and "rushed" the Peace Preservation Bill 
through the House, disposing of all its stages in a sitting. When 
their Lordships do stoop to business, the way they get through it 
is wonderful. 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

The Sale of Old China at CHRISTIE AND MANSON'S continued.} \ 




I SEE now, for the first time, having ventured into the second 
line of crowd, that the centre of the room is occupied by an official- 
looking green-baized table in the shape of a horseshoe, whereat are 
seated a select half-circle, consisting chiefly of Jewish elders. 
These are the gentlemen who are really examining the witnesses. 
Everyone here, whether male or female (there are a few Hebrew 
matrons present), has a catalogue, and a pencil. 

Happy Thought. The notion of the resemblance between this 
and a Police-court would be furthered by these representing the soli- 
citors and their clients ; but, on the whole, as the Auctioneer must, 
in his box, represent the witness, and as there is no Magistrate or 
Judge present, I am more inclined to think it like a Committee- 
room of the House of Commons, with the members of the Committee 
at the board of green cloth, the public crowding in behind the 
barristers' and solicitors' table, and the witness up in a rostrum at 
the side. If it isn't this, it 's rouge-et-noir without the cards. 



I admire the crafty dexterity displayed by the assistant who 
hands round the article, at this moment under the hammer, for the 
inspection of the ladies and gentlemen around the board of green 
cloth. He doesn't let anyone of them hold it one-half quarter of a 
second more than he considers absolutely necessary. His eye is on 
them all the time, as much as to say, "I know you, bless you, I 
know the lot of you. If you could get me to look the other way for 
a minute, you 'd shove this under your tail coat-pocket, and your 
confederate at the side would produce another not worth a rap, and 
pass it on." His commendable celerity, however, leads to every 
article, of anything like real value, being recalled and re- 
examined by a short-sighted, long-nosed gentleman, at the upper 
end of the horseshoe table, a proceeding invariably warmly protested 
against by a red-haired man, on the right-hand side lower down, 
who subsequently insists upon, seeing the cup, or basin, or plate, or 
whatever it may be, once again himself, and rubbing the paint 
with his wetted finger, before making any further advance. This 
causes a considerable amount of professional badinage among the 
two principals and the initiated bystanders, and the chuckles are 
deep, low, and oily. 

At this point, when I am still admiring the cleverness with which 
the assistant has taken a Dolphin and Crab, in China, out of the hands 
of the red-haired man, who was actually clinging to it as some- 
thing too precious to be parted from, except for a valuable considera- 
tion, I sympathetically catoh]the Auctioneer's eye. He sees me. He 
doesn't know me, and yet he appears to recognise me. His eye 
seems to lure me on. It seems to beckon me, and say persuasively, 
" Now, then, you're going to buy : you're going to make an offer, I 
know you are : you don't want this salt-cellar made out of a Crab 
biting a Dolphin's tail, but you 're going to bid, just for the sake of 
speaking to me. Come, you will bid, won't you ? Come now come 
along ! won't you ? Do, for my sake, do ! Now, how much ? " 

At this moment an acquaintance, whom I have not seen before, 
standing on the opposite side of the room, and out of the glamour of 
that eye, nods at me. I can't cut him. I must return his nod. I do. 
I nod. I tremble as I do it. Yes ! my nod seems to have set all the 
machinery in motion once more. The Auctioneer has taken his eye 
off me ; he has turned ; the Dolphin and Crab salt-cellar has gone up 
to forty-one guineas. The Auctioneer wants to know whether there 
is any advance on this, which, to judge from his changed and more 
cheerful aspect (as if things were looking up a bit), is a very good 
price for the article, and his hammer is just descending pa what I 
feel sure is my bid of forty-one guineas for a stupid thing that I 
wouldn't have given sixpence for in a common shop, when some 
lavish creature in a corner nods another guinea's worth, and, as the 
hammer goes down on forty-two, I wipe my forehead with my 
pookethandkerchief, and come out of a mental Turkish bath into a 
place where I can breathe again. What would my Aunt have said 
had I appeared before her with a Crab and Dolphin salt-cellar, and 
showed her the Auctioneer's receipt for forty-two guineas ! 

What 'a the next article '( There is a great rustling of leaves 
all over the room, reminding me of an audience at a concert, care- 
fully following the singer. The wave of sound passes over, and, 
with one movement, all the heads go up, and the eyes open wide, 
anxious fingers poise stumps of pencils in the air, until the hammer 
descends, when down again'go all the heads, the pencils are used to 
make brief marginal notes, and that pause being over, up comes 
another article, and the machinery being once more set in motion, 
up come all the heads again, and so it goes oil, bid after bid, without 
any sort of variation. 

What is being hauded round for the inspection of the Jewish and 
Gentilish connoisseurs the Chevaliers of the Horse-shoa Table ?_ A 
something, a pale salmon-coloured Boy, with with yes it is a 
Dolphin. That's the second Dolphin I've seen here, and I noticed 
(now I come to think of it) lots of them in the aute-rjom. The 
ante-room is, so to speak, quite an Aquarium of China Dolphins. 
No, it is not a boy who is with the Dolphin ; it is a salmon-faced 
Shepherd in a pale canary-coloured cuat. China manufacturers 
were, it seems, rather limited in designs, apparently : their ideas 
seem to have been limited by Dolphins and Shepherds. 

Happy Thought. By the way, when one thinks of it, these China 
manufacturers must have been men of vast genius ; for, of course, 
there is a very wide field for the imagination to range over between 
the two extremes of a Dolphin at one end and a Shepherd at the 
other. Beginning with a Dolphin, for example, it would be a long 
time before, in the ordinary course of things, you thought it out 
and came to a Shepherd. Or, reversing the order, [ do not see any 
line of meditation which would bring you straight from a Shepherd 
to a Dolphin. Might think this out and use it in Typical Develop- 
mentssomewhere (passim, as they say when the person who quotes 
isn't sure of his authority), as the subject, i.e. the development of a 
Dolphin not a Shepherd, would really be most interesting. 

While I 've been thinking, the Dolphin and the Shepherd have 
been knocked down for forty guineas. In consequence, the Auc- 
tioneer is beginning to brighten up,"as he smiles on an elegant young 
Hebrew seated, officially, at a desk near him, employed in making 



MAT 22, 1875.1 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



217 




THE FIRST SERMON. 

Aunt. "WLt, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY ?" 

Daisy. "0, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QtJIEr AND LOOKED SO CROSS, 
THOUGHT I MUST 'A' 8CKEAMKD 1 ! " 



" PSYCHO " SURPASSED. 

" A CLEBGYMAN " in the Medium find Daybreak, 
hailing from Edinburgh, relates wonders exhibited there 
by a DR. MONCK at a stance in which that gentleman 
" was suddenly lifted up by some invisible power on the 
shoulders of some of the company." The witness of this, 
among other unusual occurrences, premises his report by 
the statement that : 

" After waiting a long time w were rewarded with numerom 
raps of at least four or fire distinct Hurts." 

Was one sort the sort of raps that can be given by 
a good cane over the knuckles 'f If so, perhaps the 
Clergyman and his companions were rewarded as they 
deserved. 

Another writer, who signs his name and address, 
mentions amongst the "facts' 1 which occurred at Da. 
MONCK'S itfancet : 

" Tent*, elongation* of the body on on* occasion, m obmred 
by MR. SIMPSON and Miis. }. BOWMAN", who had hold of the 
medium's hand* ; the medium WM drawn out to the enormou* 
height of ten feet, nearly from floor to i eiling." 

Credible witnesses have related the same incredible 
phenomena of Mu. HOMK. Can MASKET.YSF. ASD COOKK 
produce the like and what if they can? Will they 
indeed have struck " a death-blow to Spiritualism " by 
imitating sights which can never have occurred, except 
in the imaginations of some who say they saw them 
However, if Da. MONCK was really elongated to the 
extent of ten feet, he should be employed by the Police 
to carry apoplectic or drunk and incapable persons to 
the station-house. He is evidently a first-rate stretcher. 
Perhaps, however, that expression may be deemed more 
truly applicable to the witness of his alleged elongation. 



Long Odd*. 

His Highness the Gnieowar begins to think he has 
been served on the principle of Heads, I win tails, 
you lose." Phayre dealing may have been hard ; but 
unfair is harder. 



COCKNEY CONUNDKUM. 



WOT Lake in Hengland 's got the glassiest bnzzum P 
Windennere. 



memoranda of the sale, and sucking his pen-holder when business is 
slack, or when he feels perhaps inclined i'or some slight refreshment. 

The mild-eyed Auctioneer, however, is very easily depressed. A 
mug ("worth two soos," somebody says, in a hoarse whisper, to 
somebody else near me) goes for eighteen shillings, and he is " down 
again," as the placards announce in the small coal-shops. He takes 
in everyone with his eye by " takes in," I mean "includes in one 
glance, ' and he sighs, as though his breaking heart would go, like 
an overstrained waistcoat-button, while he seems to say to me, per- 
sonally (though by this time he knows /am "out of it"), " Look 
here! did you <T<T see such a lot of duffers! No spirit! Xo 
energy ! If this sort of thing goes on, I 'd better chuck up the 
whole thing at once. Othello's occupation is gone ! " 

A little statuette sells for twelve guineas, but he gets no comfort 
out of this. It wasn't worth seven but no matter. 

Next Lot. China figures. Seen from a distance, they appear to 
he two little people trying to climb up a candlestick. Probably a 
Shepherd and a Shepherdess. I am right. I see them as they are 
handed round by the Assistant, who shows the things to the sharp- 
eyed hook-nosed people about the table, as dexterously as Da. LYNN 
shows one of his mechanical trick boxes, in order that they may be 
perfectly convinced " there is no deception." 

A Christian dealer at my end say Antonio wets his finger, and 
innocently tries the colour of the little gentleman on the candle- 
stick. This is strongly protested against by a Hebrew dealer higher 
up say Shylock, who says some cutting professional things to 
Antonio, who, however, returns the loan, as Antonio was bound to 
. with interest. Shtjlwk, however, gets the better of it the 
1 ubals and others being in force. 

The two figures I see, owing to this delay, are a Harlequin and a 
Maiden by a tree, which serves as the candlestick. A Harlequin, 
at all events, is a long way off from a Dolphin, and I don't see 
where, in the line of inventive genius, is his exact place between the 
Dolphin and the Shepherd. 

Happy Thought. Capital name for an Inn, " The Dolphin and 
Shepherd." 



This goes for only fourteen guineas the pair. I am astounded, 
and the Auctioneer begins to feel that life is but a Vale of Tears. 

Next article. Two plates and a cup. Nobody interested. They 
go for less than their value. Then a yellow Shepherd, with a few 
Lambs, and a Female Friend with afew more Lambs : a pair (" Sore 
such a pair ! ") which go for twenty-three guineas. This is better. 
(" Tret bon marchf" says a distinguished Jewish foreigner behind 
me. " C'est Mo'ite qui let a achetf " and then such a chuckle !) 

I find I 've been here nearly two hours. Strange old women, in 
strange old dresses, make their appearance. They come in later in 
the day, with the afternoon shadows. 

We arrive at Number Ninety-Six in the catalogue. Betting I 
mean bidding brisker, and on we go again. More Shepherds and 
Shepherdesses. Then a set of plates is handed round. Everybody 
at the green table has a plate before him, and for one second it 
looks as if five minutes had been allowed for refreshment. But the 
second sharp assistant gathers them all up almost as soon as the 
first sharp assistant has deposited them, and nothing is put on those 
plates except a price. 

They go for hardly anything. A salad-bowl shares the same fate, 
and the Auctioneer is in the depths of despondency. There are four 
days' sale. I wonder if he '11 come to-morrow. His ypnng Hebrew 
Secretary, at the other desk, regards the crowd superciliously. He 
evidently wouldn't bid for any one of them, even at his own 
valuation. 

Suddenly business takes a tarn. The Auctioneer freshens up. 
The offers have risen, by a sudden increase of temperature, to fifty 
on the Bidders' Thermometer. The room is becoming stuffy. 

I will just see this out, and then see myself out. First, what are 
they bidding for ? I crane over and catch a glimpse of the China 
ornament just as it is being removed and the hammer is coming 
down. I see it, it is a pale yellow Maiden, and and what is 
that ? Yes, I thought so, it is a Dolphin. 

Thank Heaven, I come out of these rooms as rich as when I went 
in ; also a sadder and a wiser, but not (for China, at all events) a 
Bidder man. 



218 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI. 



[MAT 22, 1875. 




TO UPHOLSTERERS, &c. 

Now THAT FASHIONABLE SKIRTS ABE WOBN so TIGHT THAT THE FAIK WEARERS THEREOF CAN NEITHER STOOP NOR SIT DOWN, IT 

MIGHT BE WORTH SOMEBODY'S WHILE TO DBVISE A CHAIR SUITED TO THE PECULIAR EXIGENCES OF THE POSITIONS. 



TEACHERS AND TORTURERS. 

" la learning a child you can't be soft with him, you must use violence." 
Humane Matter-Sweep quoted by the EAKL OF SHAFTESBUBY in the Debate 
on the Chimney-Sweeper! Sill. 

MY Lords, Ladies, Commons, and all ye " respectable," 

Punch hopes this maxim strikes you as delectable. 

Laid by a Master-Sweep's skilled hand we see 

This strong foundation stronger scarce could be 

Of his philosophy of cruelty. 

Pray do not misconceive, my Lords and Ladies : 

We have not here an axiom from Hades. 

Indeed 'tis more than doubtful if that quarter 

Kneps pace with Man in the fine arts of slaughter. 

We might submit to Belial's inspection, 

As a neat specimen of vivisection 

Applied to infants with a view to teach 'em 

Truths told by SHAFTESBURY in what LORD BEAT/CHAMP 

Politely called his " very able statement." 

Punch hardly dares repeat without abatement 

That tale of torture ears, at least, are chaste ; 

Those who have little tenderness have taste, 

And taste a very dainty thing refuses 

To scan the list of blows, and burns, and bruises, 

Of blains brine-hardened, knee-caps torn, and worse, 

The foul soot-cancer faugh ! the ear 's averse 

To such unsavoury details. And yet 

If eloquence could make the eyelids wet, 

Or the heart hot, it should be such as sounds 

From the red lips of these poor infants' wounds ; 

And bare recital of the woes that wait 

On helpless climbing-boys, from six to eight, 

Which is so " nice and teachable an age ! " 

Whip Justice up, my Lords ; bid her not halt ; 

If helpless here, she is not worth her salt. 



Has she been fumbling for a hundred years* 
Till her keen blade 's a-rust with hopeless tears, 
And cannot smite one clean and cleaving stroke 
To break these tortured children's heavy yoke ? 
Shall thrift respectable, and callous greed, 
Baffle her still while helpless infants bleed f 
Sold, stolen, slowly-slain, the tiny thralls 
From choking flue and soot-bag death-bed cry ; 
Heed, Lords and Commons, or men may ask why 
Law sits enthroned and armed in costly halls. 
" This terrible system has now been before the Public for more than one 

hundred years, and for eighty-five has been the subject of legislation." 

LOUD SHAFIESBUBT. 



Charges at the Academy. 

" CHARGES "not in the French sense of the word, i. e. carica- 
tures are among the sensational features of this year's Academy 
Exhibition. There is Miss THOMPSON'S Charge of Cuirassiers and 
Polish Lancers on the 28th in square, at Quatre Bras. There is 
M. PHILLIPOTEAUX'S Charge of the French Heavy Cavalry on the 
Highlanders in square at Waterloo. But a more remarkable and 
determined charge than either is the Charge of the Scotch Greys, 
from North of the Tweed, on the Line of the Exhibition. 



Ministerial Infanticide. 

ONE of the measures at present before Parliament is an "Infanti- 
cide Bill." Will that, if it passes, prevent the usual Massacre of 
the Innocents P If it does not pass, will it fall itself a victim to 
the crime which it was proposed to check ? 



TO SPORTING CORRESPONDENTS. 



INSTEAD of wasting time in reading Derby prophecies, you might 
do much better if you read The Coming Race. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MAY 2:2, 1875. 




. . 



0, LOVELY PEACE." 

HANDEL. 

B-SM-BCK (the Bear- Leader}. "MY BEAR ALWAYS. DANCES TO THEj GEXIEELEST OF, TUNES." 



GOLDSMITH. 



MAY 22, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



221 




ROYAL ACADEMY COMMISSION. 

uu Commissioners sat 
after lunch. A great 
many Witnesses were 
in attendance. In an- 
swer to questions as to 
the necessity for visit- 
ing the Kuyal Academy, 
the various replies were 
as follows : 

Because we came up 
to town on purpose. 
Because everyone goes. 
Because we couldn't 
return to Slowoombe- 
on-Sea or Snoozleton- 
in - the -Vale and own 
we hadn't been to the 
Academy. Because we 
know some of the Ar- 
tists, and when we meet 
them we mast be able 
to talk about their pic- 
tures. Because EDWIN 
will be there. Because 
EMMY will be there. 
Because one I mean 
two can get away so 

easily and " sit out." Because, if you know when to go, you meet 
everybody you want to see. Because, if you know when to go, you 
don't meet anybody you want to avoid. &o., &o. 

Miss MATJD FLYBTEB, examined by Our Own Commissioner, 
admitted that but for one, or more, of the above reasons, going to the 
Academy would be a horrid bore. But then to do anything you 
don't want to do is a horrid bore. 

MBS. MATCIIRB and Daughters : How long did we take " getting 
through it ? " 0, an hour and a half, I think. We saw it all. 01 
course the girls were with me the whole time. Yes, except once, 
when they went, with my permission, to Number Six room with 
ME. TALBOOTS and MB. WYNDSOB BBOWN. 
Yes, certainly, both these gentlemen are eligible partit. 
The REV. MB. SrECKYLUM (from Doddleborough) and two 
Nephews : Did you carefully examine the pictures you had heard 
" well spoken of ?" Certainly. Were you loud and firm in expa- 
tiating on the merits of pictures by well-known Artists about which 
you had previously read, and were you diffident in stating your own 
opinion on other pictures of which you had previously heard, or read, 
nothing at all f Certainly. [The majority of Witnesses gave similar 
evidence.] Didn't you, as a rule, find that, had you consulted your 
own individual taste, you would have preferred the pictures which 
were by " Nobodies p 1 *' Yes I think so. [The majority of Wit- 
nesses gave similar evidence on this point also.l The Witness went 
on to say that he pointed out to his Nephews all the pictures illus- 
trative of historical and classical subjects, specially Andromache 
tied to a Rock." Being asked if he didn't mean Andromeda, he 
replied, rather angrily, that he was an M.A., Oxon, and had told 
both his Nephews that it was "Andromache," and he must be 
right. 

CAPTAIN SLYBOOTS, in answer to Our Commissioner's question, 
said he thought there was a very fair show of pretty gals this year 
at the Academy. Met some doosid nice-looking gals. Thought the 
country ones looked so fresh and ar that sort of thing, you know. 
(Our Commissioner didn't know, and objected to being quoted as 
evidence.) Didn't see any sculpturing. Didn't know there was 
any. Thought the Academy was all pictures. Yes, he recollected 
having seen some busts, and things of that sort, huddled together on 
a shell somewhere, but he thought they were put there to be out of 
the way. Wanted to have a soda-and-B. at the refreshment-room, 
but didn't like the smell at the door. Thought it cookshoppy, and 
preferred going to the Club. Saw some of the rummiest, queerest, 
antediluvianest old fossils, in fronts and curls, and such bonnets I 
Suppose they come up to town, like Christmas, only once a year. 

Miss GUSIIEB, in answer to questions, said : Of course, I went at once 
to Miss THOMPSON'S picture ! 0, isn't it awful ! And the horses, you 
know ! that horse in the corner ! And the men! 0, it 's thrilling! 
What else do I admire ? 0, that dear old lady in the cap and 
ruff, and the Babylonian Matrimonial Agency, I mean Market! 
0, how lovely ! And the Sculpture Gallery in Nineveh or Pompeii, 
or somewhere ! 0, it 's really quite too lovely ! Yes, I should like 
to be painted I mean, have my portrait taken by MILLAIS, or 
TISSOT, or SANDYS. No, I do not know quite how to pronounce ALMA 
TADEMA. I 'm sure he must be so nice. It may be " Allmar 
Taddymar," but that sounds too like Scotch : or it may be "Al-may 
Tadeemay." Am I sure that ALMA isn't the name of a girl ? It 



never struck me before ; but, dear no, I don't think he can be a 

girl. 0, it 's all charming, delightful, and I "m sure if you only 

(Here the Witness was requested to stand down.) 

MISH NELLY DULCET deposed to the effect that she was engaged to 
EDWARD, at least, as far as they were concerned, it was settled. 
Didn't mind saying that she thought the Sculpture-room a very nice 
place to sit in. It was so quiet. Did not think she spoke exactly 
the truth when, on Grandmamma and Aunt coming suddenly upon 
them in the Sculpture-room, she said she couldn't tell how it was 
that she and EDWABD had lost them, and how glad she was to have 
found them at last. 

Miss GKUKHKBUY, who was of opinion that she'might perhaps be 
over thirty, but not much, thought everybody at the Academy very 
rude, and selfish. She never could get a seat. When she did, 
people trod on her toes, and didn't beg pardon. Then, when she 
was seated comfortably, people would get between her and the pic- 
tures. Thought she 'd complain to the police. She nearly fainted 
twice, but nobody attended to her, and sheldidn't mind owning now, 
that she did lose her temper, and tread on people's toes on purpose. 
Thought there ought to be some rule about Bears being admitted. 
By Bears," she meant rude people. Didn't know that some 
persona on the Stock Exchange were called " Bears," but had always 
heard that persons on the Stock Exchange were very rude. She 
went to the Academy with her friend Miss HOBBLES, but she wasn't 
any sort of use to her, except in finding the refreshment-room, 
which she thought the best part of the Exhibition. 

It being time for five o'clock tea, the inquiry was adjourned. 



'TWIXT CZAR AND KAISER. 

( What pasted at Berlin ; From Different Stand-points.) 

ACCORDING TO THE FBENCH. 

The Kaiser. Sire, France is the greatest nation in the world. 
Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. I dread both France and Paris. 
Help me to crush them, and name your own price. 

The Czar. You are right, Sire ! France is the greatest nation in 
the world. Paris is the Mistress of Civilisation. But both are 
invincible.! Sire, you are answered ! 

ACCOBDING TO TOE GEBMANS. 

The Czar. Sire, as the Head of the Great Fatherland, as the 
Sovereign of Sovereigns, I beseech yon to put your august foot upon 
my unworthy neck. 

The Kaiser. What have you done to deserve the honour, my 
son ? However kneel ! 

ACCOBDING TO THE BELGIANS. 

The Kaiser. We will be business-like. You can take Turkey, 
and Brussels shall be the capital of the new German State. I will 
crush France, and to you I leave that tiny but troublesome Island. 
Yon understand me ? 

The Czar. Perfectly. England. I accept the bargain. 

ACCORDING TO THE AMERICANS. 

The Kaiser. I guess the United States is a fine country and jest 
raised a century ! yes, Siree ! 
The Czar. I guess it is so, Colonel ! 

ACCORDING TO THE ITALIANS. 

The Kaiser. What did FRANCIS JOSEPH say to VICTOR EMMANUEL 
at Venice, Sire ? Ask him, Sire, ask him r 1 

The Czar. A thousand pardons, Sire ! If you wish to know, ask 
him yourself. No offence, Sire ; but ask him yourself. 
ACCORDING TO THE RUSSIANS. 

The Kaiser. Sire, I wish to hear your opinion upon a subject 
very dear to my heart. Do you think my new crown suits my 
complexion ? 

The Czar. Really, Sire, I must take time for consideration. 

ACCOBDING TO THE ENGLISH. 

The Kaiser. Permit me, Sire, to sing you one of BISMARCK'S last 
new songs a sweet little thing, of his own composition " Come, 
lovely Peace." Will you kindly join in the chorus ? 

The Czar. With pleasure. HANDEL'S, though, is it not ? 

The Kaiser. BISMABCK'S. At least he says it 's his ; and what 's 
his is mine : so I never contradict him. Hark ! Don't you hear him ? 

The pipes o/ BISMARCK amJGoRTSCHAKOJT are heard in the distance. 
Sound approaches. Enter BISMARCK, followed by GORTSCHAKOFF. 

The Czar. A thought strikes me. Let's have a dance ! 

The Kaiser. It wUl reassure Europe. Come ! d nous deux. If 
the Prince will give us the air. 

Bismarck. Just you set the step, Sire. I '11 make the music keep 
time to it : never fear ! 

KAISEB and CZAB dance. BISMARCK pipes. Air, " Come, lovely 
Peace .' " [At least the air sounds like it.] 



222 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 22, 1875. 



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MAT 22, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



223 



7 f-4 




TOO COMMUNICATIVE BY HALF. 

Stupicious-looking Party. "THAT'S A FINB Ptn> o' YOTTRN, MASTXR." 

Mr. Verdant Green (with pride). "I SHOULD THINK HI WAS I WHY, I GAVE 
FIFTEEN GUINEAS FOR HIM WHIN HE WAS Six WKEKS OLD, AND H 's WOHTH 

THREE TIMES AS MUCH NOW ! " 

[Suspicious-leaking Parly has quite a weakness for valuable Pups, and mentally 
makes a note of Mr. V. O.'s residence for the future. 



DERBY-DAY DISCIPLINE. 

Eeally I must consider thii subject." MR. DlflRAili in 
to SIB WILFRID LAVSON'S yuution if he mtant to mtffturn 
the Derby- Day. 

IN night-, by way of considerin(f-cap, 
Small blame to HK.V it he took Km nap, 
While BIGOAR maunders, and WIIALLET weep*, 
And dulness through St. Stephen's creeps- 
He dreams : SIR WILFRID, airy pate, 
With Adam's ale inebriate, 
Wakes up the PREMIER ; wants to know 
If to the Derby he may go. 
BEN, after answmr d la Sphinx, 
Resettles to his forty winks. 
Dreuneth he of the stand, the hill, 
Bookman and backers bawling shrill ; 
The wild sweep-past of racing steeds, 
And ladies of tul faster breeds ; 
The bold dog that will cross the COUTM, 
Defying Starling and the Force, 
Ana tears defiant down the ride, 
'Mid hoots and howls from either side '! 
Meanwhile Sin WILFRID all would rule 
By rod of the Good Templars' SchooL 
And, laughing, shuts us from the pale 
Which men tcill climb for cakes and ale. 
" No Derby ! " Let that field lie fallow : 
A fig for favourite Camballv '. 
For wise men matters there a pin 
Betwixt a screw and Gallop-in f 
This is Good Templardom's stem sentence, 
" As medicine to help repentance, 
Drink, Wednesday next, to purge your faults, 
Not Epsom fizz, but Epsom salts. 
For a siphonia mount hair-shirt, 
Not 'gainst road-dust, but moral dirt ; 
Upon white tile no green veil pin, 
But tear off that which screens yonr sin ; 
O'er your book rather blush than brag. 
And mount not, but put on, the drag ! " 
That for Good Templars ! Mr. Punch, 
Wooed on all hands to laugh and lunch, 
Will humours of the road enjoy, 
Nor with excess enjoyment cloy; 
Will rise to transient may-fly loves, 
Lose, matters not how much, in gloves ; _ 
From bright eyes sparkling madness drain, 
More swift and sweet than dry champagne, 
Feel racing rapture, breathe fresh air, 
And gladly meet SOL WILPKID there. 



the Thames, Pour let Paw-res and the Orphan of the Temple ; 
II. D. Poohin Watching the Game, On a Favourite Shooting Pony, 
From the Shot-Tower in the Twilight ; and Mr. Hardcastle telling 
the story of " Old Grouse in the Gun-room" to Polly Peachum, 
and A Fruit Woman of Cairo Refurbishing The Crown of Love 
(Hardly Earned) in The Interior of the Grand Mosque of Damascus, 
on Sunday afternoon, in War Time. 

What follows is Private and Confidential about The Barber's 
Prodigy in A Barber's Shop is. Tunis, and Bringing Home the 
Bride from The Babylonian Marriage Market, under Enid's First 
Parasol, to A Green Thought in a Green Shade ; or with Julian the 
Apostate on A F6to Day, going to a Bull-Fight in The Steamer 
Panther to see School Re-visited by W. E. Forsterand F. W. Walker, 
in spite of Thomas Carlyle and Philosophy, and with no regard for 
The First Taste and The Last Muster in the teeth of Master MoGrath 
and Dr. Macleod, and all the Beer- Fish and Water Pets in The 
Royal Aquarium, and which awakens a suspicion that all this may 
be A Dream thence back to ALUA TADEMA'S Sculpture Gallery in 
picture gallery No. I. ! ! ! 

Pheugh 1 What a round in this roasting weather, too ! 



FIGHT FOR THE NEW FOREST. 

T IT E threatened enclosure of the New Forest has induced some 
Noblemen and Gentlemen to take rooms at 294, Regent Street, 
r an exhibition of the Forest scenery, which Mr, Punch ear- 
nestly recommends to the attention of his picture-loving readers. 
t has also moved the principal authorities of the Hartley Institu- 
lon at Southampton to address a petition to the House of Commons 
praying the House "to take such steps as will make the New 
K orest a national park, and such as will keep unimpaired its beauties 



and its value as a great field for artists! and art-study." The Con- 
servative majority of the House of Commons will, of course, readily 
take any steps which a Conservative Government may propose for 
a truly Conservative purpose, and all the Liberals who are liberal 
enough to value anything above money will march with them. In 
the meantime, may the pillows of all the wretches engaged in 
devising those changes in the New Forest which menace ultimate 
enclosure, be haunted by the Ghost of WILUAM RUFUS. 



Temperance Nursing. 

SUCCESS to the new Temperance Cafe, established by the People's 
Cafe Company, in Whitechapel, and opened on Wednesday last by 
the EARL OF SIIAFTESBURT. Wean the people from gin on tea, coffee, 
ginger-beer, and lemonade, but don't treat them so completely like 
babies as to make laws for the purpose of depriving Britons of their 
beer. 

Inaccurate Euphemism. 

WET are lodgings to let almost always advertised not as 
" Rooms " but "Apartments " ? "Apartments " for Single Gentle- 
men are all very well; but surely " Togethennents " would be 
more suitable to Man and Wife. 



AT HOME AND ABROAD. 

CHTTUNG, who is a Master Mason, came up from the country by a 
fast train expressly to be present at the Installation. The notion 
of CHITLING being "Master" anywhere sounds rather amusing to 
Mas. C., who is autocratic in the domestic circle. 



224 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 22, 1875. 




CURIOUS. 

English Tourist (in Ireland). "TELL MB, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOBS THE FIRST TRAIN LEAVK FOR CLONMEL?" 

Waiter. "Is IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHCRE. THE NOINE THRAIN UP USED TO LAVS AT HA'F-PAST 

NOINE BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TlN NOW, AND THERE 's NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I 'LL AX AT THE BiR, SOPvR ! I " 



"THAT UNHAPPY NOBLEMAN." 
(See WHAHEY on CASTRO, House of Commons, May 11.) 

THE Tichborne Claimant, in convict raiment, 

IB picking; oakum in a Dartmoor cell, 
And in that gehenna he can't get senna 

And salts and blue pill, when he don't feel well. 
He 'B growing thinner on the prison dinner, 

He misses his brandy-and-water cold ; 
So, sadder and wiser, he writes to the ' Tizer, 

And by WHALLEY, weeping, is the story told. 

Those times, my WHALLET, seem almost jolly, 
When the House bade you sing, as to speak unfit. 

Now with KENEALT, of mouth unmealy, 
For Coventry songless and sad you sit ! 

But weep not for ORTON, if less sweet than short, on 

His mighty maw Dartmoor diet palls : 
Reduced abdomen is a healthy omen, 

For one of his size shut within four walls. 

Three agents of evil world, flesh, and devil, 
Our sponsors should teach us to renounce. 

But while these keep their place (as is too oft the case), 
Repentance is gammon, remorse but bounce. 

From two of these three, world and flesh, we see, 
Thanks to Dartmoor and diet, the Claimant 's at peace ; 

With the third and worst while he still is curst, 
As his friend, please don't ask for his release ! 



REVIVALISM ON THE BOAD. 

OBTAIN Revivals have lately been held in Her Majesty's Opera 
House. But beyond doubt the most fashionable, and also the most 
popular Revival is the " Revival of Coaching." 



THE LATEST ODDS. 

THE Odd Persons (in Society) who pay regularly a Sabbath visit. 
to " the Zoo," and yet object to the opening of the Brighton 
Aquarium on Sundays. 

The Odd Persons (belonging to the School-board*) who think the 
best way to educate the Child is to starve the Mother. 

The Odd Persons (in the Army) who profess to hold Cash in utter 
contempt, and yet haggle and argue about the price of an Exchange 
and the rate of a bonus. 

The Odd Persons (in the City) who represent themselves as simple 
old Sailors, or poor old Soldiers, and yet object to the holding of the 
Royal Commission upon Foreign Loans. 

The Odd Persons (in the Country) who, in spite of recent dis- 
closures, still insist upon investing their money in South American 
Securities. 

The Odd Persons (in Trade) who object to the Adulteration Laws, 
and yet wish to keep their customers from visiting the Co-operative 
Stores originated by the gentlemen of the Civil Service. 

And, lastly, the very Odd Persons (for further particulars, see 
Red Book) who imagine that fame and fortune are to be secured at 
any time upon the Turf or in the City by merely refraining from 
acting " on the even." 

Irish. Tranquillity. 

Is not the title of "The Peace Preservation (Ireland) Bill" a 
misnomer? Had it not better be The Peace Enforcement Bill? Or 
is it peace, Pat, when there is no peace ? To be sure, there is some- 
thing in the idea that an Irish Bill should have an Irish title. 



WARNED OFF THE COTOSE. 

NEXT week is the Derby. Punch gives timelv'*notice, with all 
the earnestness of which he is master, that he will notlinsert jokes 
about Galopin. 



Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 30, Loraine Road. Hollows?. In the Pariih of St. Mary, I.I Inrton, In the County of Middle iei, at the Printing offices of Messrs. Bradbury, A(rnew, * Co. , Lombard 
Street, ID the Precinct of Whatefriars.iu the City of London, and published by him at No. 85, Flet Street, in th! Parish of St. Bride, city of London. dTuaDAY,May 21, 187*. 



MAT 29, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



225 




HOW WE GO TO THE DERBY. 



TOL. ULriJLI, 



226 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 29, 1875. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 





I FIT Members showed after the Whitsuntide 
week (Thursday, May 20)" a beggarly ac- 
count of empty benches." The rest were not going 
to cut short their holidays for MR. SULLIVAN'S 
question, or LORD ELCHO'S perpetual motion that 
the Service is going to that place which is paved 
with good intentions. 

Punch would not be surprised if a good many of 
the dear naughty boys stretched their Whitsun 
holidays over the Derby-day. A propos, suppose, 
instead of PETER TAYLOR'S regular Anti-Derby- 
D*y Jeremiad, SIR WILFRID, as Commons Professor 

of "the Gay Science," were to treat Honourable Members to a parody on " Black-Eyed Susan," "All on the Downs the House was 

poured." Of course Ministers will be there on their Drag if it has not been too much used up in the course of the Session. We 

never remember the Drag so much in demand through the four months before Whitsuntide. 

Business opened with MB. SULLIVAN'S question about COUNT MUNSTEH'S speech at the National Club, for which the Count 

certainly deserves a rap over the knuckles. (B 

from COUNT MUNSTER to COUNT 

of the struggle between Protei 

superfluous, and tant suit peu impertinent '{ Punch is quite aware the latter word is not diplomatic 

speech, as MB. DISRAELI was bound to admit in answer to MR. SULLIVAN'S question. 

Suppose LORD ODO RUSSELL had tendered a similar piece of advice at the dinner of some Protestant Club at Berlin? Suppose 

even Punch non-diplomatic as he is turned the tables, and recommended Germany, through COUNT MUNSTER, to look out in time, 

and take care that between Eagle's claws and Falk laws she do not come to grief one of these days ? 

MB. DISRAELI answered MB. SULLIVAN very discreetly. " COUNT MUNSTER'S speech, he should say, was not diplomatic ; but he 

had no wish to discourage free speech, even from a diplomatist. It is possible His Excellency may soon visit Ireland, and then he 

will see there is not the slightest analogy between the Roman Catholic subjects of the German Emperor, and the Roman Catholic subjects 

of Her Majesty the Queen." 

Not the slightest. Our laws give our Roman* Catholic fellow-subjects Ultramontanes or others full swing and free speech. The 

Falk laws give them repression, tine, and imprisonment. We leave the safety-valve free to work. Germany, or rather BISMARCK, not 

only ties it down, but sits upon it into the bargain, and the Reich's- Kanzler is not a feather-weight. On the whole, England believes 

her own system the safer of the two, and, through Mr. Punch, recommends COUNT MUNSTER to look at home, and keep his breath to cool 

his (Prussian) porridge. 

Another ni^ht of active ELCHO eruption the Charteris Geyser in full military blast. Nothing and nobody can persuade LORD ELCHO 
that our Army is not rotten stock, lock, and barrel. Most of the old Army-men in the House, and a great many out of it, disgusted 
with recent changes above all, with the Abolition of Purchase, and the introduction of a Short Service System and indisposed to give 
these and their concomitant alterations a fair time for trial are as busy as a certain gentleman in a gale of wind, picking holes in our 
present Army arrangements. All the military malecontents find a ready mouthpiece in LORD ELCHO. 

The best proof of the utter want of practical usefulness in these Army-nights is the absolute irreconcilability of the suggestions for 
improvement with which they teem. If ever too many cooks spoiled the broth, there can be but small hope for our military pot-au-feu. 
Look at the range of recipes. LORD ELCHO, pending a conscription, which he believes we must come to, wants none but effective men that 



prefers the authority of 

SIR G. BALFOUB thought the estimate of men and horses to an artillery battery excessive. Good service had been done with half 
the regulation numbers. As to recruiting, he was dead in the teeth of LORD ELCHO'S plan of conscription. 

MB. SIDEBOTTOM was all for raising the soldier's pay. 

Ma. HOLMS was all for Short Service and Reserves. 

COLONEL LOTD LINDSAY was all for training Boys for the Army, as we do for the Navy. 

GENEBAL SHT/TE was satisfied that Short Service must fail. Deferred pay and pensions, with Civil employment in prospective, was 
the salt for the recruit's tail. Your Home service should be compulsory, your Foreign service Volunteer. 




KNOWING ONE'S PLACE. 

TM Laily Iseulte (a-t. three). "Tao WKI.LT KIND o YOU TO CALLY MF, YOBRBT! THALL I oivs YOU A KITH? '! 
Hubert (in great treinjation). " N N N *OT FOR THB WOULD, MY LADY!" _____ 



MB. BASS saw nothing for 'it but conscription, with a tax of a 
week's means of every one of the 300,000 young men yearly attaining 
twenty, to attract recruits. 

SIB H. HAVBLOCK defended the Short Service System, but admitted 
that of our recruits 10 per cent, ought never to have been enlisted, 
and another 10 wanted two years' seasoning to make into soldiers. 

MB. HABDY begged the Army reformers to give him a chance of 
swimming by himself not all to sit on his shoulders at once, by 
way of keeping his head above water. He had difficulties enough, 
but he was quite aware of them : was carefully watching the growth 
of LORD CABDWELL'S plant, though he did not admit the advantage 
of pulling it up before it had had time to bear fruit. In short, he 
spoke candid common sense, as usual. 

The truth is pur Army is in a transition state, and must have time 
to get through it. And all the impatience and impetuosity of all the 
ELCHOS will not enable us to escape the drawbacks and weak points 
of a transition time. LORD ELCHO, Parliament, Punch, and loss 
BULL must all have patience. 



DERBY DRAGS. 

WHEX you have carefully contrived to leave your wife and 
children at Brighton, and have treacherously returned to town 
avowedly to attend to important business, but really to act as host 
to a jovial party of bachelors, who propose a pilgrimage to Epsom, 
to learn by telegraph on the morning of the race that your wife has 
decided upon following you, and will be at home just half an hour 
before the time you have appointed for the meeting of the aforesaid 
jovial party of bachelors at your own house. 

When you have arrived at the Waterloo Station, and are in the 
middle of a crowd from which you cannot escape, to find that you 
have left your purse at home at Bedford, and have at that moment 
in your pockets just one shilling and fourpenoe-halfpenny. 

When you are seated on the roof of a coach in company with a 
number of choice spirits on the road to Epsom, to open the morning 
paper to find that the venture in which you have invested the 
savings of many years has come prematurely to utter grief. 



When you (a young man just commencing life) have received a 
grudgingly-given leave of absence for one day from your " serious 
employer (who lives at Clapham) on the pretext that you wish to 
attend the funeral of a greatly venerated Maiden Aunt at Sjuthend, 
,o run across that serious employer at the Wimbledon Station, where 
you (evidently by some mistake) happen to be seated in a carriage 
conspicuously labelled " Epsom." 

When you, to while away the time, join a few friends in a game 
of " unlimited Loo " in the railway carriage going down, and some- 
how or other contrive to lose a year and a half 'B income in nve-and- 
twenty minutes. 

When you (from the top of a coach) look into the drawing-room 
of the house wherein dwells the object of your soul's secret adoration 
to find the aforesaid object evidently on the point of accepting your 
hated rival SMITH, who, you notice, is pleading his cause on hw 
knees before her. 

When you are gallantly buttoning the glove of sweet ALICI 
FLIRTIHGTON (the charming daughter of that good-natured old soul 
FLIBTINGTOW. of the firm of FLIBTINOTON, Baows, JOKES, AKD 
FLiRTiJfOTOjr) on the Hill at Epsom, to find your wife s mother 
glaring at you from the rumble of the next carriage. 

When you met your tailor, to whom you owe a large amount, 
and from whom, strange to say, you have received no reminder for 
years, on the Hill, and he exclaims, " You here. Sir ! Why, I 
thought you were dead ! As it is, I shall have the honour of send- 
in? in my account to you to-morrow. To avoid unpleasantness on 



Epsom. 

When, after being unwise enough to entrust all your loose cash to 
a loud-voiced gentleman in the Ring who has given yon long odds 
upon the winning horse, you look for your debtor and hnd him gone. 

And, greatest drag of all, when you are conscious of having pre- 
sumed to do, say, or think anything at Epsom, which you kno? 
would not have received the sanction of that best of men, wisest o: 
sages, and 'cutest of prophets, Mr. Punch, the Grand, the Good, and 
the Noble. 



223 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 29, 1875. 




EPSOM CHRONOLOGY. 

BBHISTOBIC" anti- 
quity of Epsom. 

875. The Saxon 
Races introduced 
by HENGIST and 
HOBSA. Great re- 
joicings, as a matter 
of course. Address 
from the Mayor 
and Corporation. 
Horse-power (many 
years before the in- 
troduction of steam) 
seen in operation 
on the Downs. 

1216. Epsom salts 
discovered acciden- 
tally, by moon- 
light, in a grove of 
horse-chestnuts, by 
an eminent London 
physician, who had 
lost his way on the 
Downs, -while re- 
turning to .Town 
from a consultation, 
on horseback. 

1339. Horse-ra- 
dish introduced into 

this conntry, from Arabia, by a native of Epsom, who had fought in 
the Crusades under the CHEVALIER BAYABD, and was, at a sub- 
sequent period, elected an honorary member of the Jockey Club. 

1602. The first cheval looking-glass seen in England, made.by an 
upholsterer at Epsom. 

1745. The young Chevalier (disguised as a Jockey) present at the 
Races. (This incident has been painted by HOBSLEY, R.A.) 

1779. The Oaks instituted. Won by a head by Tete-a-Tete. 

1780. The Derby instituted. Won by a neck by Nectarine. 
1784. The Derby won by MB. BUBKE'S gray filly, Sublime and 

Beautiful. Hence the origin of the proverb, " The Gray Mare is 
the better Horse." 

1788. A French Horse, who had been quite ont of the betting 
Hors de Combat the "Winner of the Derby. 

1790. Known as Darby and Joan year, the great race having 
been won by SIR BUSHEY PARK'S chestnut Mare Joan. 

1795. The first stone of the new Grand Stand laid (on the Oaks 
Day) by the Lord Mayor. 

1800. Dead heat for the Derby between Physician and 
Apothecary. They divided the stakes. 

!03. Longshanks won the Derby by a length. 

1808. Kaleidoscope's year ridden by BAM CHUTNEY. The 
Jockey who was to have piloted the Winner, being unable to fulfil 
his engagement through hoarseness, CHOTNEY was taken as a sub- 
stitute on the spur of the moment. 

1814. The Allied Sovereigns visited Epsom. By a very remark- 
able coincidence the Derby was won by Prussian Slue, and the 
Oaks by Charlotte Rune. 

(To be concluded Next Hear.') 



OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

A Visit to some Furniture Auction Rooms. Remarks on 
Specialists. 

MY Aunt, in lodgings at Ramsgate (perched, as it were, previous 
to settling down in a nest of her own), wrote to say, that if I can pick 
up anything cheap in the way of tables or chairs, old-fashioned, she 
will be glad of it. 

. Having done CHRISTIE AND MANSON'S, it occurs to me that I will 
inspect a furniture sale. 

Happy Thought.-SenA to my friend TWINTON VICE, who knows 
all about this sort of thing. 

Of course, at the very moment he might have been of use, he fails 
me. He is out of town. I notice that this is invariably the case 
when you rely upon a friend who is a "Specialist." TWINTON 

^i J k ? W> T, T w , ant to P ick U P 80me ? ood furniture, cheap, 
would be absolutely invaluable. He knows the dealers, he knows 
their ways and their dodges ; he knows the ;right people to go to, 
^d the wrong ones to be avoided. Whenever you make friends 
with a Specialist by which I mean some one who has obtained a 
uliar knowledge on any one particular subject, or has advantages 



not shared by his fellow men I say, whenever this Specialist friend 
becomes very sociable and communicative, as, for instance, after 
dinner, he will make you offers as generous as the wine he is drink- 
ing. Perhaps he knows all about vineyards and importing. He 
will say confidentially to you, "My dear fellow, this is a first-rate 
glass of wine. Now I suppose you gave about sixty-four for this, 
eh ? " You don't like to admit it, because you know that when a 
Specialist asks the question he implies that you've been a sweet 
idiot, and have given so much for an article really worth about half 
the money , so you answer, Yes, that icas about the amount. " Ah," 
says the Specialist, " I thought so. Now, look here, when you want 
this sort of thing you come to me." The mystery and the emphasis 
of manner and facial expression accompanying this announcement 
quite take away your breath. You feel inclined to exclaim in a 
subdued tone, Lor ! you don't say so." Whereat he nods gravely, 
sips his wine meditatively, as though considering whether you 
could be trusted with a secret, and presently he will add, " You 
come to me; I can get this for you at about half what you're 
paying." Gracious Heaven! why haven't I known this man years 
ago! Henceforth (you determine' there and then) never will you 
buy any wine without consulting this clever person, who is evi- 
dently "behind the scenes." 

Happy Thought. So is the gas-man at a theatre "behind the 
so enes ;" but he is not an influential person : at least, I believe not. 
T here are many who are behind the scenes without any advantage 
to themselves, or their " friends in front." 

What a number of Specialists behind some scenes or other I 
have known I And how invariably have they failed me when the 
time came to invoke their aid just as those three old Spinsters 
failed the too credulous Macbeth, who ought to have been more 
hard-headed as a Scotchman [Note. Memorandum Book. Sub- 
ject for an article in Typical Developments, under letter M. 
Macbeth considered as exhibiting the (typically Scotch) absence of 
any sense of humour, specially where he loses his temper, and 
"strikes him." Vide Stage Directions], In horses, for example, 
as in my friend GLOPPIN'S case, who had said when you want a 
horse, you send to me. I did send, and he didn't come. A very 
stout man, a DR. BLUMFIDGB, whose acquaintance ^1 made at a 
party, on hearing that I was going to sell a horse and trap, said to 
me, confidentially, of course, " You go to BTTCKLETOP'S young JINKS 
is the manager at BTJCKLETOP'S now and you just send in to him ; 
say you know me, and he '11 square it for you." I thanked him 
heartily. I asked him to dinner : he came. He repeated his advice. 

acted on it. I sent into JINKS ; in fact, I saw JINKS on the 
subject. 

JINKS, a very horsey young person, witbjmutton-chop whiskers, 
whose extremities were beautifully bright I mean polished boots 
and resplendent hat took off his hat politely to me, and asked me 
my _ business. I told him. Yes,* there was no difficulty in dis- 
posing of a horse, trap, and harness. The sale days were so-and- 
so; and they would go, he said, in the usual way. " The usual 
way " gave me, as it were, my cue. Now was evidently my oppor- 
tunity for bringing out DR. BLTJMTIDGE'S name, because I didn't 
want my things to be sold in " the usual way," which, means, as I 
understand it, at a dead loss to the vendor. So it now flashed 
across me as a 

Happy Thought. Look knowing, and mention I came from DR. 
BLTTMFIDGE. 

MR. JINKS bowed and smiled. No sudden effect from mentioning 
BLT7MTTDGE. JINKS didn't immediately look surprised and pleased, 
and reply, " 0, indeed, a friend of DR. BLTTMFIDGE'S ? I shall be 
delighted to do anything for a friend of DR. BIUMFIDGE'S. What 
will you take P Champagne ? Here, JOHN, Champagne ! And as to 
this horse and trap of yours, well, what do you expect toget for it, 
eh ? A hundred and fifty to two hundred pounds f Well, as a 
friend of DB. BLUMJTDGE'S, I shan't put you to the trouble of wait- 
ing for the sale ; we '11 manage all that, and here 's a cheque for two 
hundred." 

That 's what was, in effect, my idea of what ought to have followed 
on my mentioning BLTTMFIDGE'S name. JINKS, however, did nothing 
of the sort. I tried BLTJMFIDGE on him again. I said, " DR. Bum- 
FIDQE recommended me here ; and told me to mention his name to 
you." 

JINKS smiles and bows. Yes, on consideration, he thinks he knows 
DB. BLTTMFIDGE, and, to satisfy himself , asks me (asks me.'!) "if 
DR. BLUMFIDGE isn't rather a stout man with a bald head ? " 

"He is," I replied, with a fast expiring hope that when he had 
realised DR. BLUMFIDGE in his mind's eye, he would then come out 
enthusiastically. But JINKS never did come out enthusiastically ; 
on the contrary, having recalled DR. BLTJMFIDGE'S appearance, and 
identified him, he seemed to wish to avoid any further allusion to 
bim. He merely added, that " if I would send a man with the trap, 
and so forth, it should be attended to," and bowed me out. From 
that moment I 'set down DR. BLUSTFIDGE as a humbug. So with 
Specialists in everything ; don't trust them, that 's my moral. 

Thinking over TWINTON VICK and his wonderful purchases at 



YA. 




MAT 29, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI. 



233 




REFRESHMENT. 

Hospitable Oood Templar (to Visitor averagi Scotsman). " WELL, now, WHAT win, 
YOU TAK', MAO, AFTKB YOUR WALK TKA, OR COFFBS, OR PEASK-BROSK I" I !, 

[Comment is needless. 



sales, my eye is arrested by an announcement, posted up on the door- way of 
what might be a second-rate music-hall, or a something-arian chapel, to the 
effect that there will be a great sale, on a scale of unexampled variety in all 
departments, taking place the day after to-morrow in these auction-rooms, where 
the public is now invited to step in and inspect for itself. 

Happy Thought. Step in and inspect. The passage is lined with all sorts of 
Ids and ends, looking like the property of an uncommonly shabby genteel 
family removing, while the appearance of two or three stubby, greasy, fat men 
with dirty collars, or no collars, and rich in chains, rings, and hook noses 
suggests the further idea of the shabby genteel family having been obliged to 
leave by reason of circumstances (uncommonly bad circumstances) over which 
they had no control. 

Meeting more greasy men, and hearing the Hebrew accent in every direction, 
1 pause tor a minute and, recalling my second notion of this place, being a place 
if worship of some sort, I begin to doubt whether I have not intruded into a 
Synagogue, just as the people are coming out. 

No: The poster settles that " On view two days prior and mornings of 
Bale "" Valuable Collection of OLD ENOLISH FiraiuTUHE and CHINA 
including Bookcases, Cabinets, and Secretaries." 

Happy Thought. Buy a Secretary. 

Perhaps Secretaries is a misprint for secretaires. 
Inlaid Pier." 

Happy Thought. Perhaps a mis-print for ' 
and send it down to my Aunt at Ramsgate. 
there, they can send it on to Pegwell Bay. 

" Card, Pemproke, and Fancy Tables'' This list has a few misprints, arising 
om what are called "clerical errors," which my Aunt thought came under the 
exclusive cognisance of the Dean of Arches or the Archbishop's Court. 

Cylinder writing-tables." Who on earth could write either in or on a 
'Under, at least, I mean comfortably. Besides, I thought that cylinders were 
always mixed up somehow with boiler explosions and chemical lectures (for 
boys), and the Polytechnic. Shall look out with some curiosity for a cylinder 
writing-table. How frightened my Aunt would be if I told her I'd bought 
one. f 1 m sure she has about the same idea of cylinders as I had till now. 

'' P a ,"'f carve < 1 chairs from the Summer Palace of Peking" (sic). These 
lnc /i u - amon genuine old English furniture, unless they come in 
under China. 



Then there is a "Beautiful 



beautiful inland pier ." Buy it, 
Or if they don't want a pier 



" Tulipicood Cabinet," " Old China Clock, Candelabra, 
Mirrors and Girandoles "the latter, by itself, I should 
have thought was a Spanish dance. 

Then come " Worcester, Chelsea, Sevres, Oriental China. 
Groups, Vases, Beakers, and Lowesloft dinner service, 
also to be sold by auction, and to be inspected now, to- 
morrow, or the morning of the sale. 

Happy Thought. Inspect them iww. I accept a 
catalogue from a man in a sort of railway signal-box, 
and enter the auction-room. 



NORTHWARD, HO! 

A God-speed to the Arctic Expedition. 

YET once again the Sea-kings' blood 
Stirs in the adventurous island brood ; 
Yet once again our peaked prows 

Point northward gaily. 
And, rising from the Solent shore, 
In as right hearty British roar 
As e'er did English echoes rouse, 

Sounds forth our Vale ! 

Yet not as sad or last farewell, 
Whose sound is like a parting knell, 
But as a jubilant God-speed 

Our "good-bye " follows 
The lessening hulks, whose hoped-for goal 
Is the ice-girded Arctic pole, 
And thence when pluck has won its meed, 

Back, like the swallows. 

Southward again, and safe, we hope 
To see your ships' white pinions slope, 
Helped by a happy homeward breeze, 

That secret bearing 

Which still the chill grey warders hold, 
Spite of all seekers, stout and bold, 
Whom yet the far and frozen seas 

Have fired with daring. 

Hurrah ! The cry is " Northward Ho I " 
Chill-washing wave, and frozen floe, 
Are cheerly challenged once again 

f By brain and muscle 
Of British breed ; and now not aught 
That Science's fore-reaching thought 
Can shape, there lacks to arm the twain 
For Titan tussle. 

We know the North has token tithe 
Of English blood ere now ; yet blithe 
Is every heart that dares and shares 

The strife, the glory. 
On then ! for, hap what nappen may, 
This chance shall not be cast away, 
To write our names with gallant NAKES 

In English story ! 

Where stainless FRANKLIN strove and fell, 
To die were surely more than well ; 
And if capricious fortune crown 

A kindred merit, 
Though later yet, not greater, then 
There is no fear that history's pen 
Will miss or mar the fair renown 

We shall inherit. 

Two million miles, untracked, unknown, 

Lie in that ice-girt Arctic Zone ; 

Or which, as yet the Knot's * wild wing 

Alone hath travelled. 
Our 'Argonauts will urge their quest ; 
And hope is high in every breast] 
The White World's Secret back to bring, 

At last unravelled. 

God speed ! may England's parting cheers, 
Ring high and hopeful in your ears, 
'Midst all the unknown frets and fears, 

Before you lying. 

God speed I We wish yon bravely back, 1 
Safe from the frozen Polar pack, 
Leaving our British Union Jack 

O'er the pole flying ! 

Fringa canutus, a bird whose nidification is conjectured to 
ake place further northward than explorers hare yet penetrated. 



234 



PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 



[MAY 29, 1875. 



111 

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a. 
O 

ce 
a. 

u 



5 

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I 
I- 




MAT 29, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAIM. 



235 




LEVELLING UP- 

Sub, (just arrived by rail). "How MUCH TO THE R.VRKACKH '! " 

Car-Driver. "An, SHBRE THIN, CAPTIN, THK MANKST ov 'BM GIVES MB TRIE AND SIXPBNCK!" 



And Temple liar, though shaky, still continues to keep its place ; 
And, if it does that in a Fleet Street rush, why shouldn't it in a 

race ? 
Lady Morgan, the biped, was a blue ; if blue riband to blue should 

go, 

Never yet was an outsider made her backers less blue to show. 
Lady Nelson, like her Lord's " England, eipects each man to do his 

duty : " 

But query if that 's to put money upon you, my little beauty ? 
I should like to see more of Seymour, ere I back him at forty to 

one ; 
If Lord Berner'i friends are burners of their fingers, who will say 

"Done!" 
The Makeshift Colt has made shift to find at least a place as 

outsider, 
He may make shift to show in front, but he must find a wonderful 

rider ! 

From the above it will be seen which way Punch's Prophecy tends, 
So Toby sends Tips of his ears and his tail to his kyind and 

numerous friends. 



THE NEW-FOREST EXHIBITION. 

ART at war with Barbarism! Have you tracked the Forest, 
friend, by sunlight and moonlight ? Have you found your way 
home through verdurous glades by the glimpses of Lyndhurst 
Church tower ? Have you perused the faces of the five wise and 
five foolish virgins in LEIG ETON'S famous fresco, and wondered 
whether a wise or a foolish one were the best to marry ? Have you 
eaten Hampshire bacon and cream cheese at the Crown ? Have you 
tried to catch a wily bull-trout in Lymington Water ? Have you 
seen Avon Tyrrel, where the slayer of the Ked King splashed 
through the river in hot haste to reach Poole, and take ship for 
France ? Have you lost yourself in the loveliest woodland region 

k ln . England a region where at every corner you might meet 
Rosalind flirting boy-fashion, or Jacques in cynic meditation. 

Whether you have or have not, go to 294, Regent Street, and see 



the beauties of the Forest which the barbarian Commissioners pro- 
pose to destroy by planting larches for gain's sake. They have already 
done irretrievable ill. Fourteen years ago, when PEACOCK published 
Gryll Grange, whose scene was in the Forest before barbarism 
defaced it, he said he would never see it again and he was wise. 
It is a sad sight, to those who remember it in its beauty, before the 
deer were ruthlessly murdered because there were a few poachers 
about ! Still let us save what we can. Let us see whether Art is 
not stronger than Barbarism in these times. LOUD HENBT SCOTT'S 
Select Committee should go en matte to the Exhibition, and judge 
for themselves : thej are a jury holding an inquest on living love- 
liness which barbarians desire to murder. It is well that a scion of 
" the bold Buccleuch " should strive to save from the Vandals a 
region traversed by " the Ariosto of the North," when writing 
Marmion, sixty-eight years ago. 



A Word in Season. 

AT a "Permissive Meeting" lately held at Cowes, the RET. T. 
SLIGHT said the object of the meeting was to remove the Drag of 
Intemperance from the path of progress. Of course, on Wednesday 
there will be no such vehicle as the Drag of Intemperance on Epsom 
Downs. 

Dinner and Dessert. 

FOR a cut of cold Mutton, choose the Saddle. 

Eat a good Bit, but Bridle your thirst. 

The best Nuts to crack on a Racecourse are Cobnuts. 



A DESIDERATUM. 

THE ABCHBISIIOP OF CANTERBURY and the Bishops generally have 
been requested to combine in composing a form of prayer of extra 
strength, to be used on the occasion of launching vessels intended 
for the passenger-trade. 



236 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[MAY 29, 1875. 




THE LETTER OF THE LAW. 

Nervous Old Lady. "0, POLICEMAN I POLICEMAN ! THERE'S A STRANGE Doo THAT WILL 

STICK TO ME, AND WON'T LEAVE ME, AND I CAN'T GET BID OF HIM ! COULDN'T TfOU TAKE 
HIM IN CHARGE OR SOMETHING ? " 

Policeman (who doesn't like the job). "VERT SORRY, MA'AM, BUT WE CAN'T INTEKFEBE 

WITH ANY DOG SO LONG AS HE 's A FOLLSRIN' O* SOMEBODY ! " 



DERBY DREAMS FOR 1875. 

IF you dream that the Battle of Dorking-*has been realised, and that the Germans have 
occupied Woolwich and seized all our artillery, you may be sure that it will be Breechloader 
who will be the winner. 

If you dream that Lohengrin is not so great a success as II Talismano, and that the music 
of the future is not comparable with the music of the past, you may rest satisfied with 
Balfe as your selection. 

If you dream that North Britain is depopulated, and that England is full of Macs, you 
may be sure that Flying Scotchman will gam the stakes, and that Camballo will certainly 
obtain a place. 

If you dream that you are at a ball and are snubbed by the prettiest young ladies 
because you cannot waltz, you may be sure that Galopin will win in a canter. 

If you dream that you have invested in Spanish bonds, and that you are personally 
interested in the future of Honduras, you may be sure that the offspring of Repentance 
will be the first to pass the Judge's Chair. 

If you dream that the French have become violent Royalists, and have determined upon 
choosing a good and sensible prince for their king, you may safely back Claremont. 

If you dream that you are in Olympus, and that Venus has told you a secret, which you 
have immediately divulged to the newspapers, be sure that 1'elescope will be particularly 
lucky at the finish. 

If you dream that you have seen Mr. Punch, and, having thus had the dearest desire 
of your heart gratified, no longer wish to live, be sure that the Bay of Naples has no 
chance. 

If you dream that the GUICOWAR OF BAHODA'S guilt was proved in the pages of a 
popular London evening paper, you can scarcely do better than put your faith in 
Seymour. 

If you dream that you have been to the Derby and have lost your last penny in backing 
the wrong horse, why rest satisfied, and let your vision remain a dream and nothing but 
a dream. Verb. sap. ! 



EXCEPTIONAL MAY. 

FINE weather in May, 

For once in a way. 

Blue sky, and sun glowing ; 

Mild gales gently blowing. 

From their blossoms the trees 

Shed scent on the breeze. 

Green meads, too, in bloom, 

Exhaling perfume, 

With specks of red clover, 

Are spangled all over ; 

In silver and gold, 

'Mongst the kingcups, behold, 

And the white and pink daisies, 

And saxifrage, blazes 

The orbed dandelion, 

And flouts Hyperion. 

Lo hyacinth, fellow 

To cowslip's pale yellow ! 

See speedwell's bright eyeS| 

Like bits of the skies, 

The verdure peep through, 

Boat-race flower-belles in blue ! 

The thorn-bushes blow 
So thick, that with snow 
O'erladen they seem ; 
Or clots of white cream 
On gooseberry pie 
Suggest to the eye. 

Horse-chestnuts are out 
On all sides about ; 
They bid us, of course, 
Remember the Horse. 
Through flowers and o'er mead, 
Too far from the Steed, 
No thought now should stray. 
But a Horse lives on hay, 
And this maxim may pass 
That horseflesh is grass. 
And so let us learn 
The Horse to discern 
In the green of the field, 
Which his fodder should yield ; 
Imagine we see 
The Favourite to be, 
And behold plate and cup, 
As 'twere coming up, 
In pasture and crop, 
Surveyed from the top 
Of Derby-bound drag, 
Or outside of a Nag, 
When Nature is gay, 
And birds sing away, 
On the brightest of days 
In this merriest of Mays. 



An Unknown, Quantity. 

Given. A Divisional Field-day in the 
Long Valley, Aldershot ; time, twelve 
noon ; thermometer 88", on the shady side 
of Cocked Hat Hill. 

To find. The quantity of black sand 
eaten, and number of water-bottles emptied, 
by a regiment of Grabbles in the space of 
one hour. 



Dog-Day. 

"EVERT dog," ran the saw, "has his 
day ; " 

That old saw we 've a new one to flog : 
At least, Epsom knowing-ones say, 

" Every (Derby) day has its dog." 



CELA. VA SANS DIKE. 

A BOOK is advertised entitled How to 
Grow liases Out of Doors. It may safely 
be conjectured that the doors in question 
should be made of rose- wood. 



JONE 5, 1875.) 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



237 




SHOWS HIS BREEDING. 

Equestrian (to Policeman on the look-out for a Stolen Horse). " ' How DID I COME BY 'in ? ' 

DOWN AT A MT1LE PLACB o' MY OWN." 



WflY, BRBD '|M MYSKLK, TO BE 



OAK-APPLE DAY AMONG THE LADIES. 

WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE. A PUBLIC MEETING will be held at 
St. George's Hall, Langham Place, on Saturday, May 29, which will 
he addressed by Ladies in reply to the speeches in the House of Commons 
;i^:iinst. the Second Heading of the Women's Disabilities Bill. 

Airs. Fiiwrott, .Mrs. ,M<-l.aren, Miss Hecker, Miss E. Power Cobbe, Miss L. 
A.-h\vortb, Miss Rhoda Garrett, Miss Sturge, Miss Isabella Tod, Miss Uown- 
i'i'.', Miss Wilkinson, and other speakers, will take part in the proceedings, 
(.'hair to be taken at 8 p.m. by UEOltGE DIXON, Esq., M.P. [AdT. 

Trre Twenty-ninth of May 
It is Oak-Apple Day, 

And the far-advanced Ladies of their weapons make essay- 
Though, pace the Oaks, 
We might deem it a hoax, 

If such strong-minded women could e'er stoop to jokes. 

There 's wise MRS. FAWCETT, 

How mildly she draws it ! 
If all 's wrong 'tis the want of the women must cause it. 

M i^si COTHIK, with much power, 

Her wisdon can shower, 

Though e'en COEBE'S wisdom damps when it 's poured for an 
hour. 

Then there 's Mrss LTDIA BECKBB 

(There 's nothing to check her) 
The sex with such leading should keep up their pecker ; 

And Miss RHODA GARRETT 

No pretty poll-parrot 
Dropping diamonds of speech, worth a million a carat. 

Punch likes these dear Misses 

Who dive in abysses, 
Preferring (unhappy ones! ) suffrage to kisses : 

And hopes that no vixen 

Will try to play tricks on 
Their highly respectable Clmirnrui, I;MM:<;K Pi vox! 



FOUND AT EPSOM. 

A POCKET-BOOK (on the cover a monogram of " W. L." over the 
helmet of a Baronet), containing the following articles : Notes for 
a Speech against the Adjournment of the House of Commons over 
the Derby Day ; Notes for a Speech in favour of the Permissive 
Bill ; and a small volume labelled " The Complete Works of the late 
Joseph Miller." 

A Bundle of MS. entitled " A Handbook to the Turf a noblo, 
manly, distinguished, and historically-national sport with mine 
remarks upon the Three Courses called Epsom, Croodwrood, and 
Newmarket, by an Ex-Prime Minister." 

A Letter signed "Yours affectionately, W. H. W.," and bearing 
the Peterborough postmark, commencing " My dear Lord Cardinal, 
I should have the greatest possible pleasure iu dining with you on 
the Derby Day, were I not engaged elsewhere ou business of the 
last importance." 

A Scheme for converting the Infantry of the School-Boards into 
a permanently embodied Militia, bearing the endorsement of a 
noble Colonel of London Volunteers. 

A Brief inscribed " With you the OCICOWAH OF BAKODA." 

A Shillelagh branded "This Stick is the Property of a Home- 
Ruler Please return it to him." 

A Note- Book, bound in canvas and initialled " B. P., R.N. 
Barrister-at-Law," containing materials for a work to be callui. 
Every Sailor his Own Lawyer. 

Proof-sheets of a Pamphlet entitled Th Church and the Haute 
of Lords. Jiy a Spiritual Peer, 

A long roll of paper containing a return of the profits made bv 
American Publishers out of Lothair, Sybil, Coningsky, Tmicrnl, 
Henrietta Temple, Vivian Grey, and other works by the eame 
Author. In the corner of the paper, " Noted, B. D." 

A very dirty paper, apparently part of a weekly journal, Motoring 
what feels like a vial, and directed in a loose, and scarcely legible 
baud, " Dew Drops from a Lion's Mane." 

And, lastly, a strong oaken cudgel, labelled Punch. 

VI!. Any of the above articles (inclusive of the last) may be 
obtained at 85, K'< ' Mnot, on jiersounl applicatinn. 



TOI. uvni. 



A A 



23 * 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JUNE 5, 1875. 



PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. 




PABLTAMENTABY Week With two 

Derby Days in it the Mon- 
day, on which the House 
heard the announcement of a 
communication from LOBD 
DEBBY to PBINCE BISMABCK 
" of a nature to correct mis- 
conception and to ensure 
peace," and the Wednesday, 
for which it adjourned in 
defiance of SIB WILFBID. So 
we see Roman prodigies repeat 
themselves. Bos locutus est ! 
JOHN BULL has spoken. And 
more so the Head of Her 
Majesty's Government in- 
forms the Head of Her 
Majesty's Opposition has 

" received a satisfactory reply." Fact ! The British 
Lion, it seems, might have figured in Mr. P.'s 
Cartoon the other day in a pas de deux with the 
Russian Bear, to that " genteelest of tunes," " O, 
lovely Peace .' " 

Prosit ! may the startling circumstance that Leo, or 
Bos Britannicus whatever bethebrute-form in which 
British spirit may for the time have incarnated itself 
has at last found a tongue, in a grave European 
crisis, he an augury that, if need he, he could find 
teeth and claws as well. Without them tongue is 
apt to he treated with the contempt that edges the 



old saw, " Vox et preeterea nihil." 



Talk of the Elephant's trunk that can rend an oak, 
or 'pick up a pin ; or the Nasmyth steam-hammer, 
that can weld a hundred-ton crank, or crack a nut I 
What are these to the British Parliament? On the same 
night that it disposes of a dispatch on which may hang 
European peace or war, hehold it seriously busy about the 
cutting of GEOBGE WINTEBBOUBNE'S hair, in Oxford Castle ! 
Other matters as minute were, on that same Monday night, 
the subject of Members' questions and Ministers' answers. So 
true is it that your Legislator, unlike your Lex, "de minimis 
cur at." 

DB. PLAYFAIB, very sensibly, withdraws his Vivisection Bill, on Ihe Government announcing the issue of a Royal Commission to 
inquire into the subject. The matter is of importance enough, both in the interests of humanity and science. The popular excitement 
on the subject, based as it is on humane feeling, and roused by some abuse of a useful practice, threatens to be mischievous, and 
demands the guidance of cool inquiry. Most of the night was taken up by a tourney between the CHANCFXLOK OF THE EXCHIOTF.H and 
Punch's good friend, PBOFESSOB FAWCETT, on the subject of Local Taxation, a propos of the Second Reading of the Public Works 
Loan Acts Amendment BD1. Pace the Professor, the fray was at once a sham-fight and a fight in the dark. No doubt, Local 
Government is chaotic. As little doubt that the Government which steps into that " mighty maze," will very soon find its clue ravelling 
and tangling in its hand, while the hornets' nests it will have disturbed make progress in any direction all but impossible. Local 
Government will be work enough and to spare for more than one Session, or many either, and will need a stronger hand than the one 
now at the helm. It is an enterprise that would have taxed GLADSTONE in his grimmest " cutting down " form. 

Tuesday, May 25. SIB WILFBTD on the Derby in very good form, and very excellent fooling. If only our dear baronet would 
settle, beforehand, with Mr. P. which of his good things are likely to be fired off with best effect from the benches of Parliament, and 
which had better be reserved for the columns of Mr. P. ! There is his suggestion of the SPEAKEB going to the Derby in his State 
Coach, with a body-guard of Members ! What a capital Cartoon is here wasted ! The House would have laughed as heartily at a far 
worse joke. 

It is thirty years, it seems, since the House first adjourned for the Derby. Surely that should be sufficient prescription of title. 

SIB WILFBID quotes MB. GBEVILLE as an authority for the blackguardism of the turf (Quis tulerit Gracchos de seditione querentes ?), 
and the Saturday Review for " the filthy ruffianism of suburban race meetings whereof the Derby (he says) is the whole forty rolled 
into one. Punch is not disposed to dispute the verdict of such excellent authorities ; but he would remind SIB WILFKID that the 
Derby is as much a scene of innocent outing, free-handed fun, and family, if rather rampant, out-door amusement, as an occasion 
of betting, book-making, or turf-blackguardism; and that what degrades it is not the stamp of " Cockney carnival and suburban 
saturnalia" which SIB WILFBID selected for the climax of his peroration. 

It is the old quarrel of cakes c. no cakes, and ale r. no ale ; and if the " ginger " is a little " hotter in the mouth " at Epsom on the 
Derby Day than in other places, where cakes and ale are in the ascendent over the virtues, Mr. Punch sees no reason in that, why the 
House should not take a holiday for our "Isthmian games," and see the "iblue riband," which politicians know more of as the prize 
of a good deal of political " crossing" and " milking," " pulling " and " scratching," contended for among a four-legged field, and on 
the Downs instead of the Commons. So the House thought when it voted a Derby whole holiday by 206 to 81. 

And then, as if to make up for the morrow's play by the day's work, it knocked off some 200 clauses in Committee on the Public 
Health Bill ; and after this "breather," rattled through the rest of the Paper at the same slapping pace till seven, resuming for Scotch 
Education and SIB WILLIAM STIBLING MAXWELL at nine, and adjourning over the Derby Day at ten minutes to twelve 1 Hadn't the 
House fairly earned its Holiday ? 

Wednesday. All the World and his Wife Derbied and Joaned. 

Thursday. "A. night wi' NOBTHCOTE." The battle of the Savings-Banks, Old v. New, was fiercely fought by the financial 
great guns on both sides, GLADSTONE and LOWE among them. Is Government right ia taking the profits made out of the low interest 
on the Post Office Savings-Banks deposits to make up the deficit arising from the too high interest allowed in times past on deposits 
of the old Savings-Banks ? 

the one source, may fairly be 
untradesmanlike falsehood of 

defensible from a business point of view. All that can be said is that the Old Savings- Bank interests are strong, and that as they 




JUNE 5, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



239 




THE WORST OF A SOCIAL FIB. 

"0, HENRY, THIS is TOO AWFUL! HERE COME THS WELLINGTON SLOWBOREH, WBO'VK INVITED rta TO DINS WITH THEM QUITE 
QITIRTI.V, AT FIVE O'CLOCK, SOME DAT NEXT WBKK, AND I'v JUST POSTED A LETTIR TO THEM TO DECLINE THK INVITATION, AND 

/'-* SUDDE!fLr FORGOTTSJf WHAT E.XCVSB I HAD* I " 



prevented the late Government from putting things on a sounder 
footing, it is hardly to be expected that the present " Rest and be 
thanktul " Administration should set the wasps' nest in a buzz by 
taking up the matter, except upon direst compulsion. 

Friday. Their Lordships re-assembled. It takes them a week 
longer than the Commons to lie fallow from their fatigues. LORD 
BXLBOBKB'G General School of Law Bill was read a Second Time, 
under protest of the LOUD CHANCELLOR, who approves of a body 
to examine lawyers, but does not see the need of a Board to teach 
them. 

Is there not a certain old gentleman who may proverbially be 
trusted to look after his own ? What need of instructing those 
whom he is said to have peculiarly in hand '( 

" Summum jus siiininti injuria," says one legal maxim. " Law is 
the perfection of reason," says another. Take whichever you please, 
my little dears. To teach the one, a University is undesirable ; to 
teach the other, it is incompetent. LORD CAIKNS reasons like the 
CALIPH OMAR over the books of Alexandria. 

The Seals great and small should thank LORD DUNMORB. If 
Law can secure them a close time, they are to have it at least from 
the English Seal-destroyer. Let us hope that the Yankees and the 
hardy Norsemen will better England's instruction, and, learn not 
to drain the oil that lays the golden eggs. In the name of hu- 
manity, why not allow the baby seals to grow up till they have 
laid on blubber enough for boiling down 

In the Commons SIR C. DILKE drove, what we trust will prove, 
the first nail, into the coffin of the Unreformed Corporations which 
still exist; some ninety-six of them, scattered all over England 
but especially in the southern counties such curiosities of cor- 
ruption, suchstrongholdsof blatant, bloated, and blinded Bumbledom, 
as are unsuspected even by outsiders. Of course, even in England, 
such gigantic little rascalities are doomed directly they are put 
to the bar. Only in England, that wonderful country, in which, a 
yillanous Wrong has only to live long enough to become a vested 
night, coxild these petty enormities have survived so long. 

MB. JENKINS, by too much zeal, spiced with too much gall of 
bitterness, spoiled a good case of abuse in the distribution of the 



Funds of the Disestablished Church of Ireland, and, after flinging 
firebrands broadcast, and setting everybody's back up, secured a 
decided defeat by 34 to 148. So much for tactics. Let (jinx's 
Jiuby lay to heart the lesson. 

WHALLEY maundered once more into the Tiohborne trial, was 
repeatedly snubbed by the House, pulled up by the SPEAKER, ad- 
monished by CROSS, and finally snuffed out alas, only to be lighted 
again, we fear, so long as it pleases Peterborough. A sharp wrangle 
over the Bill for Bishops oy voluntary contribution, HOPE pro, 
HARCOFRT con. A very pretty quarrel, as it stands, after four 
motions for adjournment. 



MAQNA E3T VERITAS. 

To Mr. Punch. 

HONOURED SIR, 

As some doubt seems to exist among my friends about the 
reason why I did not go to the Derby this year, and as I don't 
exactly like making that reason public, I will tell you in confidence 
what it was. On the evening before the eventful day, on my 
entering the shop (we deal in china and glass), my wife, a robust 
woman, took hold of my collar, not gently, ana said, not quietly, 
"Look here! you little reptile ! SMITH, the greengrocer, has just 
been in, an" says as you're goin' to the Derby races with him. 
Now, if you go, I '11 break every blessed thing in the shop, likewise 
your heaa when you come back, an' every bone in your wretched 
little body ! " After this she locked up my best coat, jumped three 
times on my new white hat, and went off into hysterics. This, 
Honoured Sir, is the true reason why I did not visit Epsom on 
Wednesday last. 

Yours most respectfully, 

Petticoat Lane, May 29<A. JOHN SMALLSIAN. 



Fox's MARTYHS. Ducks, fowls, turkeys, and geese. 



240 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



[JUNE 5, 1875. 




WEIGHTS AND MEASURES. 

Valetudinarian (in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he 
takes to be a Dignitary of the Church). " Now, WHAT SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY 
WEIGHT!" 

Gentleman in Black. "WELL, SIK LOT ME SEE YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE 
FKT ELEVEN, THIRIY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES 

DEBP WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD ' LlFT ' AT 

ABOUT LLBVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS I " 

[Horror of Invalid his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER! 



WHIMS ON A WEDNESDAY. 

LAWSON, 'tis true the Derby 's now no more 

What it once used to be in days of yore. 

E'en then, and at its best a mixed resort 

Of dissipation, roguery, and sport ; 

Thence, of late years, the sport has well-nigh flown, 

The Vices have it almost all their own. 

Yet still, such magic works in happy names, 

Our Epsom Races are our Isthmian Games. 

House or no House, the Leaders of Debate, 

And all of every party in the State, 

Save Wednesday's would-be lawmakers, would play 

The truant ever on the Derby Day. 

But all those Members of eccentric mind, 
To whose conceits each Wednesday stands resig 
They, all of them, would take the best of care, 
The House for sitting open, to be there. 
0, then what rampant Acts might not ensue ! 
What mischief Wednesday's wiseacres could do ! 
Enfranchise the fair sex behind our backs, 
Enact Home-Rule ; repeal the Income-tax. 
An awful Bill might manage to get read, 
Letting deceased wives' sisters widowers wed ; 
Then what restraints fanatics might impose 
On British freedom goodness only knows ! 
Some odious Act, the birth of addled brains, 
To stop, on Sunday, boats and railway trains, 
The bantling of a Sabbatarian ass, 
Might go into Committee, nay, might pass ! 
Or what if, in the absence of the wise, 
Who keep on meddling pedants watchful eyes, 
Fit representatives of Colney Hatch, 
In a majority, should chance to snatch, 
Unfairly, and against its Author's will, 
A triumph for your own. Permissive Bill ? 



EXPECTANT MEDICINE. 

THE public may have learned from a late discussion 
that not only do Policemen very often mistake apoplexy 
"01 drunkenness, but Doctors are sometimes out in their 
diagnosis between the effects of drink and those of simple 
determination of blood to the head. The question be- 
;ween the graver and less serious state of coma has 
>een formulated into " Drunk or Dying ? " This it is 
ivident can in many cases only be solved by waiting 
;he event, which will always ultimately show whether 
;he patient, or the prisoner, according to circumstances, 
las been in a really dying condition or only dead 
drunk. 



THE DERBY OF 1876. 

IT is rumoured that, if, in accordance with Sra WILFRID'S 
brilliant suggestion, the SPEAKER consents to go in state to the 
Derby of 1876, the following arrangements will be made, with a 
view to give Mat to the ceremonial : 

A refreshment tent will be opened, under the management of the 
Bench of Bishops, who will guarantee the quality of all the wines 
and spirits supplied. 

SIK WILFRID LAWSON will supply a brilliant descriptive article on 
the enlivening scene to the Morning Advertiser. 

MR. NEWDEGATE will drive down, four-in-hand, the prettiest 
lui"cheon m favourlte convents, and give them a champagne 

MB. TORRENS McCuLLAGH ToHBENS will preside at an Aunt Sally. 
LORD LMTELTON will recite the Isthmian Ode of PINDAU f rom a 
drag on the top of the hill. 

Ma. WHALLET having, by a brilliant coup de inam, extricated 
that unhappy Nobleman "from Dartmoor, will bring him to the 
stand, at the head of a majestic procession, consisting of all 
Wappin ' Peterborough, Stoke-upon-Trent, and 



DR. KENEALY will be unable to accompany this procession, being 
engaged to drive down in a curricle with the Lord Chief Justice of 
r.npland. 

\f M ^'^ C B AHD ^ i11 br i n & down several omnibus loads of Welsh 

Methodist Preachers, a bard with a harp accompanying each. 

At an evening concert at Cremorne MR. GLADSTONE will sing, to 

air of Woodman, Spare that Tree," an original lyric, on the 

leme of this great national holiday. By the favour of the Editor 



of the Contemporary Review, in which this interesting composition 
will appear immediately after it has been sung, we are enabled to 
give the first quatrain of MB. GLADSTONE'S song twelve months in 
advance : 

" WILFRID, list to me ; 

All thia reforming row 

Seems out of place to be 

As much as I am now." 

Amusements will be provided in Palace Yard for those who 
object to our "noble, manly, distinguished, and historically 
national sport." There will be races along the river-terrace of the 
Houses of Parliament for all the donkeys who don't go to the Derby. 
Tea and muffins will be provided, and the band of the Good 
Templars will play, 

Guns out of Gear. 

CONCERNING the Cannon question, experience is said to have 
shown that breech-loaders are practically less eligible than muzzle- 
loaders, because they are considerably " more liable to derange- 
ment." This, it may be necessary to explain to some of our Scotch 
friends, does not precisely mean that breech-loaders are apt to get 
cracked. 

Bight Again! 

BLEST is the Man with wisdom to Punch his faith to pin, 
When he proclaimed, 'twixt race and name, Oalopin safe to win. 
He that on Toby's tip his cash laid out, of course, hath won. 
He that did nut back Oalopin, is " Gallopin', dreary, done ! " 



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JUNE 5, 1875.] 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



245 






A WORD FOR WAGNER. 

you like Lo- 
hengrin f This 
with many 
people just 
now is the 

Question of the 
ay. And not 
to have heard 
J.nhi-iigrin is 
with many 
people tanta- 
mount to a 
sufficient proof 
that the person 
who is ques- 
tioned is hard- 
ly worth the 
talking to. 
Certain talkers 
there are 
everywhere 
who are no- 
thing if not 

musical : and just fancy what a Godsend must Lohengrin now be to 
them ! How grateful they must feel to MB. GYE for giving them so 
fruitful a theme for conversation! If they be jocular, what jokes 
may they not crack about the opera writ by the Warbling WAGNER, 
as they may choose to call him : an opera wherein, although there is 
a King, there is not an air apparent! If they be serious, what 
platitudes mav they be pleased to spout, and what a dreadful fate 
ior those who nave to listen to their prosiness ! 

If, in the course of conversation, Mr. Punch were to be asked by 
a musical young lady what he thought of this stage-symphony, as 
he would prefer to term it Mr. Punch would frankly own that, 
though in parts he found it tiresome, on the whole h vastly relished 
it. Though not melodious, it is certainly most musically interest- 
ing ; and in addition to its novelty and extreme originality, it has 
the further charm of being abundantly poetical. Moreover, tor- 
tured as he is by itinerant musicians, Mr. Punch would gratefully 
record the startling fact that he has actually heard the whole of a 
new opera without feeling any fear of hearing any part of it again, 
either whistled by a butcher-boy, or jingled on a barrel-organ. If 
this be always so with the Music of the Future, assuredly the future 
will be in this respect more blessed than the present. 




OCCASIONAL HAPPY THOUGHTS. 

" On View " at a Furniture Sale continued All among the Notes 
An escape. 

AT CURISTIE AND HANSON'S I could pass in the crowd for an 
amateur of old china knowing something about it. I could walk 
through their show-rooms inspecting the yellow shepherds, the 
harlequins, the blue maidens, the foolish - looking sheep, the 
dolphins, the little-men milk-jugs the spout being ingeniously 
contrived out of a corner of their cocked hats, and a hundred and 
one things besides, without attracting any particular attention. 

A knowing friend, to whom I had nodded at CHBISTIE'S, had 
warned me against Touts." and had told me why they should be 
avoided, and how that Sales, taken altogether, were swindles in 
some way or other, though how this came about I could not exactly 
arrive at from his somewhat complicated explanation, illustrated 
by what had happened to himself. 

But, whether I had an anti-Tout appearance, or whether the 
above-mentioned conversation had been overheard by some sharp- 
eared member of the Touting fra