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JAMES NICHOLSON
TORONTO.CANADA
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON
LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
AXD SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLKUS.
1877.
/m
LONDON :
BRADBURY, iOSEW, li CO., PKINTEBS, WIUTImiAM.
JULY 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
P ITT
T)EHEMOTII or Bogey? Awful Apparition or Sorry Show ? Colossus of Roads nnd Realms, Over-stepper of Deserts, Ov<r-
JD strider of Mountain*, Floorer and Framer of Faiths, Extinguisher of Nationalities, Absorber of Empires, Disposer
of Manifest Destinies, Defier of Magnificent Distances ; or Immensest of Impostures, Darkest yet Dullest of Diplomatic
Deceptions, Shallowest of Shams, Biggest of Bubbles, most Barefaced of Bankrupts, Gelatinous of Giants, and Weak-kneed
of Warriors ? The most far-seeing and far-reaching Power that ever pursued a settled purpose of Universal Dominion
through centuries of shifting circumstances ; or the most monstrous mushroom-growth of empire that ever struck root in
corruption, to swell to deceptive dimensions, and thence dwindle into swift decay ? Thou canst not bo both. Art thou
either or neither ?
Has PUKCH, with Russia in Bulgaria and at Erzeroum, a right to eit smoking the cigar of composure on the
stone-wall of insular impassibility, or ought he to be doing penanco in his own sheets for his mockery of more penetrating
piercers into the Millstones between which are ground out the Destinies of Nations in the mighty World-Mill ?
Such was the question which, after much distracting study of London's many-minded newspaper organs summer sun
and iced cups and nerve-soothing Nicotian aiding PUNCH pondered under the shade of his own laurels.
Suddenly there seemed to stand by him a shadow yet not a shadow, but a very solid substance a Presence as of a
brother-Briton, but with a more settled purpose in his face, and a more searching sharpness in his eye, than belongs
to mere mortal. And the Presence stretched out its hand so that the shadow fell across PUNCH'S brow, and straight
it was as if he had passed suddenly from the fierce heat and ghastly glare of the Black Country of Political Polemics, all
lit up with blazing questions, into a cool region of sweet airs, and cooling waters, whereof it was revealed to him, he knew
not how, that the Presence was the Presiding Power.
" This is an age of Examinations," said the Presence, " though as yet I have not admitted them into my
system, unless when, like MB. COOK'S Tours, they can be ' personally conducted,' that is, put under the guidance and
correction of Common Sense, your humble Servant "
" My ever loyally acknowledged, and to the best of my ability faithfully served, Master," cried PUNCH, prostrating
Himself.
" I rule," replied the Presence, " as far as I yet do rule in England, in the person of my valued ward, QUEEN VICTORIA.
We have just celebrated the Fortieth Anniversary of her reign. Let us drink her health and long life in a cup suiting alike
the time and the toast cool as her head, clear as her understanding, strong as her sense, and bland as her temper. They
that are loyal to her, are loyal to me. But, methinks, I have rarely seen that loyalty put to greater strain than of late."
" Your Majesty surprises me," observed PUNCH, respectfully. " The present claims to be eminently the age of Common
Sense."
" Ritualism and Home-Rule, Spiritualism and Foreign-Loan-Financing, Continental Levies and Papal Infallibility,
China-Mania and Oxford Esthetics, Brotherhood of the Holy Cross and Russophobia to the contrary notwithstanding?"
ivr
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 7, 1877.
sardonically interposed Common Sense. " I began by saying we live in an age of Examinations. I propose to examine you.
What make* the Strength of Nations ? "
" National Health and National Wealth."
" Enumerate the leading symptoms of National Health."
" Diffused Education, wide-spread Comfort, a well-balanced Political Constitution, Reverence for Homo, Loyalty to
Notional Institutions, Sobriety, Respect for Truth and Fair Dealing between man and man."
" Which of these do you find in Russia ? "
" Not one. I find, instead, an almost utter want of Education ; a thin varnish of Luxury, but no Comfort; a Despotic
Government ; Communism in the villages. Affiliation to destructive Secret-Societies in the towns ; Drunkenness and
Falsehood generally prevalent ; Dishonesty in private dealings, and Corruption in public offices."
" What are the chief conditions of National Wealth ? "
" Widely-diffused and intelligent Industry, and labouring Arms at command, with accumulated Capital and sound
Credit to set them to work ; a fertile Soil ; Commerce ; Manufactures ; abundant Raw Material ; and Free Trade to turn all
these to the best account."
"Which of these do you find in Russia?"
" Not one. I find, instead, a poor, pining, and protected industry ; labour scarce, ill-trained, uncnergetic and largely
reduced by the constant drain for military service ; little accumulated capital, heavy indebtedness and exhausted credit; a soil
barren over by far the larger part of its enormous extent, and where it is productive, with the trade in its raw material
exposed to an overpowering foreign competition before which it dwindles yearly ; next to no healthy commerce or manu-
factures, and a rigidly protective system."
" What makes a nation formidable to its neighbours ? "
"Aggressive intentions, backed by effective force."
" Do you find these united in the case of Russia ? "
" No. Admitting the intentions, I fail to find the force that should bo formidable to a really formidable opponent ? "
" How, then, do you account for her conquests round the shores of the Black Sea, about the ridges of the Caucasus,
and in Central Asia beyond the Caspian to the borders of Afghanistan and the confides of Chinese Tartary ? "
" Because in these cases she was dealing with barbarians weaker than herself."
" Do you not fear what Russia can do to endanger our rule in India ? "
" No ; for I think our basis of defence about the strongest, her basis of attack about the weakest, in the world. If a
thousand miles of waterless desfrts and impassable mountains, and more than that distance between even the border of
these and the sources from which all Russia's supplies must be drawn, and that by a nation whose European credit, as I am
assured by those who are loudest in their fear of her, is exhausted, and whose internal system is honeycombed by the secret
workings of discontent and disloyalty, be not sufficient defence of a power rooted as England is in India, with her communi-
cations secured by her command of the sea, her soldiers and sailors well trained, well officered, and animated by the high
courage of our race, and the wealth and credit of Great Britain's vast empire and world-wide commerce at their back, then
facts and fancies are one, and PUNCH has read History in vain."
" And, worse still, has studied in my schools and worked in my service to no purpose ! " exclaimed Common Sense, as,
with a sudden explosion of impatience, he shut down with a snap the Russian Old Bogey into his Box, while TOBY rested in
peace under the shadow of
And BBTTANKIA was calm, knowing that, if TOBY slumbered, she might sleep secure.
emt*r U. ! M
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
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January.
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAE.
Monthly Memoranda by a Modern Momui.
' One Kcaaounc for hawke and anothere for hounde,
liut foole hunting's a Sporte duirth all ye jeare rouudc."
JANUARY.
JANUARY ! Month melancholy,
Save to connoisseur in folly !
He finds food for gay reflection.
" Happy New Tear ? " Ha ! Ha ! Affection
Truly cuts most comic capers.
Happy indeed ! Just watch the papers.
Were all happy P I, for one,
Could not be. There'd be no fun.
Fools won't fail though. Send tne cards
Decked by daubers, rhymed by bards !
Grin and bum them. World won't vary.
Geese abound in January.
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('tr <u .a n a| February.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR JANUARY.
WHY docs Papa look so angry when he opens hit
letters P
Why does he say that Mamma must retrench ?
Why does he call the Milliner naughty names ?
Why did he want to kill the Tax-collector ?
Why does he abuse the Butcher ?
Why does he call the Grocer a cheat ?
Why does he scowl at Mamma's bonnet P
Why won't he take me to see the Pantomime?
HOW DID HE TAKE IT ?
jji "Beauty skin-deep ? An envious saw, shaped by some
| dry old stick ! "
Ogling himself, quoth PACHYDERM, a most conceited
elf.
" The Sage was right," his friend replied ; " but then
your skin 's so thick,
That no one yet could ever see the beauty save
yourself!'*
st.
CANDLEMAS will this year be celebrated by many
Ritualist clergymen by burning candles in broad day-
light. X.I!." Advanced Ritualist," a retrograde
Parson a clerical Crab who goes backward.
CHARACTERS IN CONTRAST. Young Freshmen and
OU S:l1ts.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR FEBRUARY.
Why do FLORIE and EFFIE say that the 14th is such
a ridiculous day ?
Why does FLORIE (who got such a lot of letters) say
she likes old customs ?
Why does EFFIB (who was forgotten by the postman)
sav she think* Valentines rather vulgar ?
"Why does Papa call young MR. CCRLYWIO " a
puppy"!
Why does EFFIE agree with him ?
Why does FLOBIE cry about it P
Why does Mamma kiss her P
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
FEBRUARY.
FEBRUARY ! Fools again,
Rampant, constant (like the rain).
Rink, look guys, court thumps and lumps !
Football, ditto, bruises, bumps !
Sport P Aha ! Send purchased flummery,
Crassest form of Cupids mummery !
Prig gets venomed Valentine,
Phiz delicious to divine !
Postman swears, of Love he's sceptic.
Muffs eat pancakes, get dyspeptic.
Sport to view each fresh vagary,
Lots of fun in February !
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(for Student! and Examintri.)
Q. De6ne the Earth.
A. A round, impudent, unprincipled, body.
Q. Why impudent ?
A. Because it is a cool body travelling round the
sun, which is about the coolest thing we ever heard
of.
Q. Why unprincipled ?
A. Because it borrows what it cannot repay, and
makes light of it.
A VOICE FROM THE LANE.
WHY should corn dealers prosper ? Whv, indeed !
Walk down Mark Lane and mark how all suck seed !
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.
[December U.IM.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Student! and Examin<r>.)
Q. You say that " The attractive power of Bodies ia in pro-
portion to the aaunmt of matter they contain." Explain this.
A. Of course I iliiln't say anything; of the sort, still I shall
be happy to afford you any information in my power. Evi-
dently a well-informed c niversationalist is " company," and an
attraction in himself, as is a good pianist, a first-rate songstress,
and an agreeable, chatty, pretty woman. But the prettiest
woman in the world los'es all power of attraction if slie has
only her face to depend on. Khf may always (!</>< >i,f upon her
face, but yon cannot be a! ways lia'iiyiiiy on her lips. A pin
has a head, a lauHtlower has a heart, a calf has brains : and
a pretty woman may have the head of a pin, the brains of a
calf, and the heart of a cauliflower. Beware in time '
WHFN actors complain that all they require is "parts," they
generally tell the exact truth.
THE CAP-AND-BELb CALENDAR.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
, FOB MARCH.
Why does EFFIE say she likes Lent ?
Why does MR. RUBRIC, the curate, agree with her ?
Why does EFFIE eat so much lunch, and so little
linner ?
Why does MR. RUBRIC only take fish at dinner ?
Why does EFFIE go to church twice a day ?
Why is EFFIE working a pair of slippers ?
When will EFFIE pay me the sixpence she promised
ne for not calling MR. RUBRIC " MR. REDNOSE ? "
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March.
' PEOYEBBS ILLUSTRATED.
(By M. P. J. FITZ-SOLOMON, ESQ.)
" BIRDS of a feather flock together,"
Else would they freeze this wintry weather.
" Charity begins at home ; "
Why send blankets to Africa, bibles to Rome ?
"Fast bind, fast find : "
Unhappy nobleman, bear it in mind.
" Kissing always goes by favour : "
If it did not, who would like the flavour ?
Sue a beggar, and catch a ***** "
Holders of Turks, exhibit your nous.
" Money makes the Mare to go : "
And a Stockbroker's spouse is a lovely show.
"Pound foolish and penny wise "
Is the man who a millionaire miser dies,
As his soul will know when it homeward flies.
' When the Cat's away the Mice will plaj,"
Means Parliament out of Session, they say.
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
MARCH.
MARCH ! Girls frights with cold red noses,
Funnier sight than ditto roses !
Swells down gutters chasing " tiles,"
Sight that makes me wreathe with smiles.
East wind up, and dust a-flying,
Folks in streets seem all a-crying.
Fun to read how bellicose Pats
Celebrate St. Patrick. Flats !
Here's to Mara ! the pair with Cupid
( Viz. : at making mortals stupid).
Laugh till collar loses starch,
At fool't pranks in blustering March.
LONDON PRACTICAL JOKES.
One Good Practical Joke. The dust-carts, overloaded,
collecting dust, and adding to it at the same time, in
the hottest part of the most sultry day in July.
Another : The Water Carts. Turning the water on
suddenlv at the corner of a street, and quite close to the
kerb, where there are Ladies and Gentlemen waiting to
cross. Real good fun this.
Another and a better Joke. Maundering cabs,
empty ; going at a walk. Driver sees somebody in the
middle of a crossing, helpless, and urges on his steed
with a flick of the whip, suddenly. Foot Passengers'
panic.
The Best Practical Joke in London is, perhaps, the
environs of Covent Garden Market at any time, but
specially from Friday night till Saturday midday. Im-
passable for cabs, and therefore generally chosen as a
short cut to any railway station by a cabman who knows
his fare is in a hurry. Covent Garden, however, is
beyond a joke ; it is simply a disgrace to the Metropolis.
APRIL ! Dedicate to Folly ;
Apemanthus might be jolly.
Cold ! Don't care for the thermometer,
Favourite instrument Foolometer !
High this month. Sumphs think it Spring,
Dress, and shake like anything.
Buds all a-blowing, so bards sing 'em;
Fancy Flora with a Gingham !
Girls 'look gay, fal-lals and flowers,
Fun to see 'em caught in showers,
Rain that forms adown one's nape rill,
Type of fool's spring-fudge in April.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
TOR APRIL.
Why do Mamma and the girls go to the Park ?
Why does Papa say it is folly I"
Why does FLORIE take me out ?
Why does she send me to play by myself when we
meet MR. CUHLYWIO ?
Why does MR. CUKLYWIO give me a shilling not to
tell?
Why is FLORIE always asking for letters at the post-
oflice Y
Why does EFFIE say such disagreeable tilings about
MR. RUBRIC'S engagement f
Why mayn't I smoke, like Papa P
THE BIOOEST MOTH IN CREATION. A Mammoth.
FASHION AND TASTE.
DlFFF.HEST people have different opinions :
Some like ringlets and some like chignons.
MEMORANDUM FOR MARCH. Biting North-easters.
Walk not in the teeth of the wind.
PREDICTIONS FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL. A broiling
hot day and a cloudless sky all serene. Thunder and
lightning, attended with a heavy shower of aerolites.
An eruption of the long quiescent volcano, Primrose
Hill. At the same time, a terrific cyclone, which un-
roofs the Houses of Parliament, whilst the Monument
is overturned, and St. Paul's swallowed by an earth-
quake. Oysters (there being yet an " r " in the mouth)
rise to a guinea apiece, and some fools buy them.
PLAGIARISM IN A POLICE-COURT. At Bow Street,
before the sitting Magistrate, MESSRS. BLANKTON,
Music Publishers, have up MESSRS. DASH FORD, other
Music Publishers, on a charge of stealing a March.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(Fur Stuihitti and Examiners.)
Q. " Gravity decreases with distance." Explain.
A. Quite true and just no. However stupendous an idiot
a man may be, you rannut very well laugh at him to his face,
specially it he be a remarkably mu-cular idiot. When he n
gone, or when you have gone, or when his back in turned,
then he i, as the French say, " pour rire" (which, according
to KiiglUh soundings U a particularly h.ippy phrase as
applied to laughing bcliind uny one's Mck), and when he
is a hundred mile, ,.tr. \,,u can put off your gravity, whi.'h H
an assumed habit, and go into perfect jits of laughter. Thu
you see how " gravity decreases with distance." Uo away, 1
want to laugh.
THE Liberal party are sadly in want of a good cry.
should have patronised Jo.
They
THE CAP-AND-BELL CA1ENDAE.
TUNE.
JUNE ! Rose-mouth. The rose I scorn,
Tickles me to trace the thorn.
I, sub-rosd, scan society,
Fools in ever fresh variety.
Ruralizing now the go,
Swells cry " jolly," find it " slow."
Slow ! that acme of the horrid
Swelldom's purgatory. Torrid
Weather ! Row then I Duffers do so.
Picnic, comfortless as Crusoe.
Follv frisks to merry tune,
In the jocund month of June.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR MAY.
Why do Mamma and tho girls go to Court ?
Why does Papa say it's perfectly disgraceful?
Why does Mamma smii^lu the Dressmaker up the
baek stairs ?
Why do the girls iuvite all their friends to come and
see them start ?
Why do their friends call FLORIE and EFFIE
" frights " when they think I am not listening ?
Why dues KFF:E 'say that Papa ought to know that
MR. CUHLYWIG would stand by the carriage in tin-
Park ?
Why does FI.ORIE ask after MRS. RUBRIC?
Why does Mamma give me some sweeties not to
say anything about the quarrel to Papa ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
MAY.
MAY ! A merry month indeed
To Diogenes! I feed
Full on fooleries, phrenzied, frantic,
Critic cant and cockney centric.
Love to see R.A's. array,
Few can paint, but m:uiv pay.
List to Gosling Green's remarks,
Girls' warm gushes, awful lurks!
Fair May buds ? They're few ; but rare
Budding boobies in Mavfair.
On the whole one should be gay
Who hunts fools in town in May.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR ALL FOOLS. An opera boujfe
singer, having lost his voice, advertises a reward for its
recovery.
Hums OF SCIENCE. Naturalists are puzzled to
know why Swallows perch on the telegraph wires.
The reason is perfectly plain they are sending mes-
sages to say they ore coming.
NEW CLASSICAL TRANSLATION. " Qui Jit ifitce-
nas ?" Some eommciitators ore of opinion that these
words were, in the first instance, addressed to this emi-
nent Roman by his talk".-, and that they ought to be
rendered, " How does it tit, M.BCENAS ';
A FOOL'S ERRAND. In the heat of the dog-days a
practical punster, very far gone, went to the Zoological
Gardens, to cool himself at the pole in the vicinity of
the Polar Bear. He complained of having found no
pole near that bear ; the only bears that had a pole
being brown bears, and he saw them climb it, but didn't
feel himself at all the cooler.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR JUNE.
Why did MR. CURLYWIO call upon Papa ?
Why did they remain talking for two hours ?
Why was Mamma sent for P
Why did FLORIE cry her eyes out P
Why did EFFIE say Papa was right to object ?
Why did FLORIE, after she had been down to Papa a
study, return smiling P
Why did EFFIE look so angry when she told FLORIB
that she congratulated her P
Why should that great lanky chap, CURLYWIO, bt
made my brother-in-law P
. -xAMk" MC
, nit,
WHOM NOT TO MARRY :
Or, Dioyents the Younger.
The Lady tcith a Mission. She will fill your house
with parsons or professors, lecture you on her pet hobby
when she can get no other audience (which will be
pretty often), consider all your old friends frivolous, and
treat you with supreme contempt if you venture to hint
that you like your dinner punctually, and properly
cooked.
The Lady of Fashion. She will regard you as an
appendage, a cheque-drawing animal, a useful purveyor
of equipages and dresses and diamonds and lace, a
person to be ignored as much as possible in Society.
The Millionaire's Daughter. She will persistently
make you aware that it is her house you live in, her
carriage you drive, that the servants are hers, the dinner?
hers that, in fact, she has bought you, and given for
you much more than you are really worth.
The Pious-Parochial Lady.Sbe will devote all her
time to the distribution of tracts, the inspection of
cottages, the collection of gossip, and interviews with
the Curate. Each Curate will he a more "blessed"
man than his predecessor, especially if he have the
shifty eyes, aggressive teeth, narrow forehead, and
shambling knees which modern Curatism has de-
veloped.
The Female Forelist. She will sit up all night
writing improprieties, and pass all day in town, worrnng
publishers, who are at present sad victims of the irre-
pressible petticoat.
The Horsey Woman. She will laugh at you as a
muff if you don't ride across country, buy "screws"
from her particular friends that you will have to sell
for as many tens as she gave hundreds, and cost you a
fortune in doctors' bills by breaking her collar-bone at
least once every season.
The Ouihing Female. She will devour you with
kisses, to the injury of your shirt-front, or weep on
your bosom, with much tfie same result. To her either
is equally delightful.
The ffYifou.'. DIOOEVES pauses. The theme is too
great for him. Vide Mr. Weller, Sen., in Pickwick,
passim.
STTPtTVn AT ^InTWTVfl. FicrhtlTT* dhfldrtVI
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
I December 14. \f!t.
MUSIC AT HOME.
[.DRAWING-ROOM MUSIC OF THE PAST A MELODY BY MOZART.
-II. DllAWlNO-RoOM MUSIC OK THE PRESENT A BRILLIANT FANTASIA FOR THE Pl.VNO BY SlONOR RUMBELS TOM3KIM.
III. DRAWING-ROOM Music OF THE FUTURE TWENTY-KOITR CONSECUTIVE INTKRDKPEVDENT LOGARITHMIC STUDIES FOR VIOLIN AND VIOLONCELLO, WITH DOUBLE DIFFERENTIAL
AND INTEGRAL ACCOMPANIMENT ON -IHE PIANOFORTE, SUPPLEMENTED BY UNISONAL DESCRIPTIVE AND CORROBORATIVE VOCAL EXPOSITION IN FIVE MODERN LANGUAGES.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK
JOCUS BITUALISTICUS
" AUTUMN MANCEUVBES, 1876.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
[December 14, 1874.
CURSORY RHYMES.
THERE was a little Gun
Weighing more than Eighty Ton,
Which made a great sensation, and a greater noise ;
Every trial shot, they found,
Cost quite tive-and-twenty pound,
But there's not another nation got it's equal, Boys '.
n.
CAPTAIN O'PiP
]|;i< lost liis ship,
And can't tell how it founder'd.
Ij't it alone !
The salt sea foam
Will never let out who blun-
der'd.
in.
JACK McGiLL
With gout being ill,
Was ordered Vichy water :
Hut feeling down,
Poured out "Old Brown,"
And finished a tumbler after.
IV.
POLI.IXAUY,
Light and airy,
How does your fountain flow ?
Cockles, squills,
And camomile pills,
To the dogs with the rest
may go.
DICKY TANNHAtfSER
Made such a noise, Sir,
Letting off fireworks yellow
an' green
What to him might be
Birao,
Would nearly make you
sick ;
0! sure such a Wag ne'er as
this has been seen.
Tl.
HKY diddle, diciuic!
A slate in the middle ;
A message come down from
the moon.
The medium he laughed,
To see such sport,
And took in the too-credulous
spoon.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Studenti and Ejtamintrt.)
Q. Can you define Longitude ?
A. Yes, if you allow me a certain Latitude.
Q. As this application cannot for a moment be enter-
tained, we will pass on to another subject. What do
you understand by " a question of Time 'i "
A. My asking you what o'clock it is.
HOUSEHOLD PROVERBS.
Firat catch your heir, and
Ik. n hook him.
Srateh a millionaire, and
you '11 find a snob.
When the chaperone conies
in at the door, the lover tlics
out of the window.
Too many cooks spoil the
policeman.
The cook's ncsc, shows where
the money goes.
No savings, no sweetheart.
Borrow in haste mid repay at
leisure.
You can't wear your lady's
gown and have it in the ward-
robe.
Marsala under any other
name will be as cheap.
There's no school like the
old school.
No Alp without a tourist.
COOK looks on many tourists,
the tourists see but one COOK.
LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANIES.
IT is proposed to form a Syndicate for the establish-
ment of Companies with strictly limited liabilities to
carry out various useful purposes. Now that nobody
cares to buy Turks and Egyptians, investors will doubt-
less be glad to hear of ventures whose shares will imme-
diately reach a big premium. Among them may be
mentioned
A Company for the Suppression of Unsatisfactory but
Opulent Uncles and Aunts,
and the proper Distribution
of their Assets among their
younger Collaterals.
A Company (under the pre-
sidency of SIR WILFRID
LAWSON) for introducing Malt
and Hops into Ale, and eli-
minating Fusel Oil from
Whiskey.
A Company (under the pre-
sidency of SIR CHARLES
DILKE) for Improving the
quality of Modern Criticism.
A Company (under the presi-
dency of LORD SHAFTEKBURY)
for the Vivisection of Scien-
tific Professors. Shorthand
writers will be engaged to re-
port their remarks during the
operation.
A Company [for Ostracising
Fishmongers who sell Oysters
out of Season.
A Company for Inoculating
Upholsterers with the First
Principles of Decorative Effect.
A Company for Quietly Re-
moving the 1 urks from Europe
into Asia, and keeping them
there.
A Company for Carrying
Honesty to the Stock "Ex-
change, Honour to Tattersall's,
ti;iiety to Buckingham Palace,
and Sea-water to London.
A Nl7T FOR NORSEMEN. The
Cupid of the Scandinavian mythology was Haider.
He is represented, however, wit 1 , a head of natural
hair. Had lie been simp!;- bald, he would have worn a
wig.
ASTRONOMICAL.
BEAUTY, unwedded, seen at rout or ball,
Is like the noonday sun which shines on all.
When Hymen's ring o'er Beauty's finger slips,
That sun oft suffers annular eclipse !
MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
r;i,:tn!n flrmrn (narrating hit Trip to the Continent). " THEN, OF COURSE, WE RAN cows TO GRANADA,
ASl. >w THK ALIIAMBRA "
Captain Jink* (itntravellcd Athlete). "No?! WHAT, HAVK THEY OOT ONE THERE TOO!!"
PRJENUNTIA VERIS.
A TOKEN from the coming
Spring
Has greeted me to-day,
Which tears into my eyes can
bring,
And stop me on my way.
'Tis not that in the pathway
lies
A primrose heedless tost ;
'Tis not the martyr bud which
dies
Before the lingering frost.
Nor yet the subtle whisper,
heard
Clear 'mid the blustering
wind.
That tells of flower, and bee,
and bird,
And April days behind.
No! 'twas that while with
eager pace
Heedless I hurried by,
A gnat, the firstling of the
race,
Flew straight into my eye !
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examiners.)
Q. Under what conditions docs a body fall to the
earth ':
A. The conditions vary. But when a body is asked
afterwards, the answer attributes the accident either to
the heat of the room, or the salmon, or the cucumber,
or something that has disagreed with it (the body in
question), but in no case is any reference made to the
wine.
POETA NASCITUR, NCCT FIT.
Wo have changed all that.
There is now extensively ad-
vi rtised a " Singer Manufac-
turing Company."
THE PAY'S THE THING.
Eccruits are in request. Let
them see a little more of the
colour of your money. That
is the flag to rally round.
TOM TIPPLER makes his grog so strong, that he is
obliged to use toughened glass.
nIEM. BY A BACHELOR.
(Who narrowly escaped being a Benedict.)
MAnniAUE a lottery? Yes! My stars I thank
That I have drawn its greatest prize a blank !
A MEDICAL TITLE. Sur-geon.
:CCLXXVII.
[CKmbcr II, int.
Dfccmbrl.187e.l
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.
SPIRITUALISM MADE USEFUL.
WHO KNOWS? What sized bowl is required to
drown care in ?
PROPER FARE. What would you expect to find on
a literary man's breakfast-table? Bacon's Remains,
Final Memorials of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley
fragments.
THE HOST UNKINBEST CUT OF ALL. Presenting
an unfortunate who has invested his little all in Turkish
Bonds with a Porte-monnaie.
CAUTION TO " COMICAL DOGS." Remember how
many jokes mav be classed under these two heads :
1 . Funnv, but old ; 2. New, but not funnv.
WHAT OUGHT TO Go TOGETHER. A turnip watch
and an eighteen-carat gold chain.
DOMESTIC. It was a homely but pungent observa-
tion, on the part of a man of much experience and ob-
servation, that marriage without lore was like tripe
without onions.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
r 14, 1S7.
DELICATE ATTENTION.
Confiding Spinster. " I 'M AFRAID THE SEA la TOO COLD FOR ME THIS MORNINO, MR. SWABBER."
Bathing Man. " COLD, Miss I LOK' BLEaa YER, I JUST TOOK AND POWERKD A KITTLE o' BII.IN' WATER IN TO TAKE THE CHILL ofy, WHEM I SEE YOU A COJIIN'
A LITTLE SURPRISE.
Miuter Tom (Novtmber tth). "ROBERT AND ME MADE 'EM ALL OURSELVES, UNCLB, FOR TO-MORROW NIOHT, is HONOUR o' YOUR VISIT I"
[Uncle John tries to look dttioMM, but hat a shrewd fusnicion that his Bed chamber is directly over this Xfagazine I
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
PICTURES OF THE DAY (TO COME).
I. PROCESSION or THE FASHIONABLE FEMALE FORM DIVIKE, BEADED BY UOHEIECR WOKTH.
(ir.(A A/r. Punch'l Apologia to Mr. Leighton.)
II. DOCTOR MEILASIOM JONES, FISDINQ IIIUSELF OCTSTRIPPU) is THE RACE FOR PATIEHTS *? TBE FAIR DOCTORS*! ATAUXTA ROBISSOX, QALLAKTLY THROWS HER A.
W.DDIKO-RINO, AND WIN* THE DAV. (IPiM J/r. Puw/.'i Apolofiel to Mr. PoytHr.)
EXTRAORDINARY DISAPPEARANCE. The other day
at 1 P.M., luncheon-time, a hungry man walked into a
pigeon pit 1 . He has not been seen since.
THK HFRKPW PASTORAL NYMPH. Old Thin**'.
THAT Palceocrystic sea has one paradoxical pecu-
liarity : though ice-locked, \t_floes on for ever.
To SCHOOL-BOARDS. There is something far better
than fu>hnnl Kpfnrp hrpnkfjist breakfast before school.
THB HBIOHT OF SINCEEITT. Wishing an aged
person, at whose decease you will come into property
many happy new years.
THE VEBREY IDEA. Let ' hare some lunch.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1877.
[December 14, 1876-
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Stuiltnll and Examineri.)
Q. Is the Earth ever at rest ?
A. Never : and not likely to be as long as its principles of action
iave a tendency to keep;it"iu a perpetual state of revolution.
Q. The Earth moves, eh ?
A. Yes, at a meeting of the planets it always moves a resolution.
Q. That is not an answer. Is it an ascertained fact that the Earth
moves ?
A. No: but it is an ascertained fact that tie tea does, and the
effect is most unpleasant. Judging from our srnsitions on shore,
which are generally of a pleasurable character, we should say that
the Earth does not move, liut send a boy out to watch. I '11 go, if
you'll give me five shillings.
How TO GET RID OF A BORE. Make an appointment to meet
him on Waterloo Bridge, and throw him over.
i/,
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July.
AUTUMN TINTS.
BELIEVERS in the Canards of the silly season
Green.
Mater families when pater familias suggests post-
ponement of the autumnal outing Black.
Paterfamilias totting up the expenses of ditto ditto
Blue.
LAURA'S cheeks when the long expected {t pop " is
brought off at Scarborough Coultur-M-Stm.
Ditto, ditto, when papa and mamma "won't have it"
-White.
Tip-tilted noses exposed to nipping equinoctials-
Red.
LADY FITZ FALDERAL'S locks when she arrived at
" that out of the way hole," Slowcum-on-Splash
Golden.
Ditto ditto after a week's sickness and the loss of her
dressing-ease Grey.
JACK L&PECU'S holiday suit (third season's wearing)
Kusset.
M.P's. autumnal "spout" to his constituents
Party-coloured.
NATrvs LAND or KNOWLEDGE. The Isle of Scio
Q C.rol.
W W. Scuu b
.'3 Th W .!..<-. M
August.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS
FOR JULY.
WhyareFLORiE and CHAD-wicK(that'sCuRLY'\viG)
always together ?
Why do they always sit together in the morning
room ?
Why does FLORIE give me shillings not to sing a
song about the baboon who married the monkey's
sister ?
Why doesn't old CHADDY like being called " Daddy
Longlegs " when I come down to dessert '{
Why does EFFIE laugh at the name?
Why does FLORIE say she knows why EFFIE encou-
rages me to be rude ?
Why does EFFIE want to know what FLORIE
:-:ieans ?
Why does FLOBIE ask again after MRS. RUBRIC ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
JULY.
JULY ! Mercury up to " melting."
Grand to see great gabies pelting
After, what ? A leathern sphere !
True " pursuit of folly " here.
What would old ERASMUS say ?
/swig "Iced Hatfield," and survey.
Girls look on, their boredwn's shocking,
Might set MephistophelK mocking.
Cricket, perfect type of life,
Dull display and aimless strife.
Need no other goose-round try
Than "the Oval" in July
THE NEW CRUSHER QUADRILLE.
(A most fashionable dance, as performed at the most crowded
I/alls of the season.)
FIRST FIGURE. La Pastajoke. Opposite couples
set-to and squeeze, walk on each other s toes, attempt
to turn round, fail completely, and return to their places.
C/iaine ties dames. Struggle of gentlemen to recover
their respective partners.
SECOND FIGURE. L'Etalone. Advance three inches
to opposite lady. Drive your elbows into crowding
neighbours. Walk through both dancers' skirts, and
back into opposite gentleman's waistcoat. Exchange
cards. Set to your partner. Balance: on next man's
instep, and apologise. Mop foreheads all round.
THIRD FIGURE. La Long Poule et la Ponle all
together. Hands across and back again. Wriggle up
to ris-d-vis. Carry off polonaises and round dos-d-clos.
Clear 3 our le^s, and i lose with your partner. Surge to
right and left, and resume position as you were. Take
out a reef in waistcoat.
FOURTH FIGURE. La Tottchanilgo. Advance, if
possible. Lift your partner on to your rit-a-ris. Re-
main deaf to all expostulations. Chassez-croisez. See
what you can, and return to your places. Lose tail of
your coat, and swear silently. C'urn/in- sew/.
FIFTH FIGURE. Grand Con: Galop. Up and down
on your own ground and your neighbours' corns. 1'ni
sent on an Alderman's pet bunion. Change partners,
to your own advantage, if possible. Get hopelessly
mixed up with another set, and sink exhausted and
completely crushed behind a block of ice. whither three
couple have already retreated in hopes of a breath of
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR AUGUST.
Why is Fl.ORIE to be married next month ?
Why does Papa say he requires change of air ?
Why is he going to Paris with his friend, MR. SKY-
LA BK'?
Why does Mamma say it is shameful ?
Why does Papa quarrel with Mamma ?
Why does Papa get put his cheque-book ?
Why does Mamma sigh, and kiss him ?
A\ hv mayn't I go to Paris with Papa, as well as
MK. SKYLARK?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
AUGUST.
AUGUST ! Mimes raise one more Moloch,
Quit the wicket and the rowlock.
At the sea-side, those who've leisure
Toil, stare, weary, call it " pleasure.'
Society ! a Simple Simon
That might tickle sternest Timoii.
EDWIN wooes his ANGELINA
To sound of nigger's concertina.
Pater familias spends much money,
To be bored, B. flatted. (Funny"!)
Till sent home by early raw-gust,
Which he thanks. I do love August.
MEM. BY MOSHESH.
THISH practish of punning, now growing the rule,
Needsh like those who add monish to monish
admonishment.
I 'd denl capital punishment out to the fool
Whosh ev'ry remark for a capital pun is/i meant !
MPtnbet M,1S7.)
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1877.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examiner! )
Q. 'What do you mean by " Greenwich Time ? "
A. Well, I should Bay from April to July, after which th
whitebait are worthless.
Q. What is " mean time " at Greenwich ?
A. It has two significations. For example, the first is when
my mother-in-law comei to spend a day with my wife, and /
am mean-time at Greenwich.
Q. And the second Hgnification ?
A. When you are asked to join a friend at Greenwich, and be
won't stand you a dinner, or refuses to pay for i'omuiery
tret tec.
Soon PLACE TO BEND UNRULY LADS TO. The Smack
Boys' Home, Yarmouth.
HAPPY RELEASE. Paying off a mortgage.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
TUB CAP-AND-I3ELL CALENDAR.
SEPTEMBER.
SEPTEMBER ! Month a regular stunner :
No such gaby as your gunner.
Tramps through turnips, sludge, or stubble,
Alter game not worth the trouble.
Nuts to me ! I eat ripe fruits
And shoot folly as it shoots !
Spouters too, St. Stephen's shut
Vent irresponsible bosh big butts.
Caucuses for free discussion,
E.g., rows and brain-concussion.
Sportsman, Congressist, and " Member,"
Split my midriff in September.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR SEPTEMBER.
Why is every room in the house turned topsy-
turvy ?
Why is EFFIE so very cross ?
Why does FLORIE get so many visits from her old
schoolfellows ?
Why is old CHADDY always in the way ?
Why is old CHADDY always being sent on errands ?
Why does Mamma cry when FLORIE tries on her
wedding-dress ?
AVhy docs EFFIE say that white isn't becoming to
FLORIE ?
What toys will Papa bring me home from Paris ?
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Examiners.)
Q. Can you explain the phenomena of Sunrise and
Sunset ?
A. Certainly. It will take some considerable time,
so if you '11 have the legs of yesterday's Turkey grilled
and devilled, and a few slices of plum-pudding fried,
and a bottle of your very best at ninety-nine shillings
a dozen, with cigars to match, all readv by ten o'clock
I'll come and explain everything. Yes, Sir, there
shall be no secrets between us. We won't go home till
daylight does appear, and we '11 soon find out what it
is that goes round, whether it's the Earth : or not.
(End of examinations.)
FOR OCTOBER.
Why does Papa say he wishes it over ?
Why does Mamma think he might be more amiable,
as she has had all the trouble ?
Why are we all to go to church ?
Why is old CHADDY dressed in a blue frock-coat?
What do they all cry about at the big breakfast ?
AVhy does old CHADDY go away with FLORIE ?
Why does EFFIE say that poor FLORIB never looked
worse in her life ?
Why mayn't I have some more cake ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
OCTOBER.
OCTOBER ! Surely no month else is
.Like it. Folly excehit !
Boobies everywhere. Half sorry,
Scarcely time to pot each quarry.
Science-spouters make me chuckle
Till wet eyes need vigorous knuckle.
Cap-and-oells upon a platform,
0, but Folly ! nch in that form !
Love to see it pose and stammer,
Labouring out each party crammer.
DRACO himself could not keep sober,
At public Goose-show in October.
Kulh
19 H. .f I
B. A CHUB
. St. Dtfiv*
Oif M 1.1
. OU M I
O* L*4 '83 Tn K D.tb d.
E4 w. Of f 1 W W.Utn d. !
SOtJ.nf.Tr iTt, M trnr>.
~~ n. i6 HoKMtll. d. I
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H.p.rl ki IBS **-' Tr.
T.jlar ]89 M K..I. bB 1
.ll.rd. 131' T" I Tow*' Lnt >
B-N~Tilno .HI H* A!lH.llw
, 21 -
tf.fr.
October.
Hfi.tr
THB Police have made a great raid upon dogs, yet
they rnnnot catch one Collie.
WK srotl' at savajes who bow down before strange
idols, yet we invariably " worship" the Bench.
SOCLiL STATISTICS.
A LODGER in a quiet street (according to advertise-
ment) has counted six and thirty barrel-organs, three
monster pony-drawn ditto, eleven Anglo-German bands,
seven dancing pifferari, fifteen troops of Sable singers,
at least a score of solo-players on tho harp, the flute,
the fiddle, the key-bugle, and the tom-tom, nineteen
begging ballad-bawlers, six or seven sailors singing
nasal psalms, and five and twenty howlers of " ten-a-
peuny warnuts," visiting its precincts within a single
day.
It is currently believed that, in spite of the Police,
and the Mendicity Society, the yearly ini-ome of the
beggars in the streets of the Metropolis in the aggregate
exceeds three hundred thousand pounds.
It has been estimated that at a dance of ninety-three
young people the words, "so glad, don't you know ! "
are used upon an averazc eleven times a minute, and
the phrase, " awfully jolly ! " as many as nineteen.
It is computed that the Autographs, which, on sundry
shallow pretexts, have been extracted from English
authors and artists of celebrity within the present
century would, if they were set up in a column of the
very smallest type, now current in our newspapers,
overtop by more than four-fifths of a furlong the heights
united of the Monument, the Clock Tower, the Nelson
Column, and St. Paul's.
The weight of the Valentines sent last year through
the Post Office exceeded by some ounces twenty-seven
tons.
The number of Puns made yearly on tho words
'tongue" and "trifle" by young Gentlemen at supper-
time amounts, it is computed, to five millions and
fifteen.
NEW CLASSICAL TRANSLATION. " Xe rttfr maftt "
Do not give way to the temptation of eating apples.
WHAT A NAME FOR OUR CLIMATE. ''Merry-
weather ! "
REGULAR CANNIBALISM. A morning paper asserts
that the " true function of the Militia is .to feed the
Line ! "
ALMANACK JfOK 1877.
'December 14, 187.
.
SI U r J. HUH d
MTMCML I November.
They essayed SANKET'S psalmody 'neath SAGITTARIUS,
With vocal effects the reverse of hilarious.
MOORE AND BURGESS came next, as they neared C APRI-
CORNUS,
Cried he, " This won't do I Cognoscenti will scorn us ! "
But, alas ! they 'd sing naught, as they entered AQUA-
RIUS,
But vapid Virginia's versicles various :
And so when the Sun was just entering PISCES.
He turned up that triad of Musical Misses.
air!
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
NOVEMBER.
NOVEMBER ! Month of fogs and guys,
Noodledom's own paradise,
Folly takes a civic turn.
Ah ! if all the guys they 'd burn
On the fifth, as lots do one,
life indeed were void of fun.
Rising morn with rosy kirtle,
Pale to Lord Mayor, at his turtle,
Rising rubicund to show
Elocutional " Old Clo ! "
No ! were Wit at its last ember,
It would flame, stirred by November.
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR NOVEMBER.
'Why does the Doctor say Mnnima wants change of
Why doesn't Papa like Brighton ?
Why does Mamma say, " Of course it isn't so pleasant
s Paris ! "
Why does Papa say, " Anything for a quiet life."
Why arc we nil going to Brighton ?
Why does EFFIE like the Skating Rink f
* ho 's the chap in the moustaches ?
Why does he help EFFIE ?
A ZANY'S ZIG-ZAG BOUND THE ZODIAC.
A Rhymlit ,onj almi hu eiwjed In thete llnei
An ntt -phonetic let-to with the SIgaj.
A MUSIC-MANIAC, born under ARIES
Had three virgin vocalists, all of them MARIES.
He taught the fair three, while the Sun was in TAURUS,
To chant the loud wailings of WAGNER in chorus
It solaced his soul, and he cried, "With these women I
Hope to work wonders before we reach GEMINI."
But alas ! by the time when the Sun was in CANCER
He found toujoun WAONER with women won'tanswer.
And BO, while the Sun was careering through LEO,
Ho taught them a tender and twittering trio
But they tiffed, and then wouldn't keep time in it, ergo,
He wrote a new song for each virgin, in VIRGO ;
Tet they all of them "struck" for more monev in
LIBRA,
Not one would sing " do " nor (without a big bribe}
"ray."
Ho sighed, when he found them all silent in SCORPIO
"How wondrous that WAGNER she-tempers should
warp. Heigho ! "
LITTLE TOMMY'S QUESTIONS.
FOR DECEMBER.
Why won't the chap in the moustaches help me
along as well as EFFIE ?
Why does Mamma want to know what I mean ?
Why does EFFIE say I am always telling stories ?
Why does she pinch me when we are alone ?
Why does Papa say that "he will horsewhip the
scoundrel " ?
What 's the meaning of " an elopement " ?
Why does Papa say, " Well, we are rid of both of
them.' ^
And, lastly, why does Mamma cry, and kiss me, and
tell me to be a good boy, as I am the only one left ?
THE CAP-AND-BELL CALENDAR.
DECEMBER.
DECEMBER ! Now the picture-papers
Folly urge to cut fresh capers,
To my special delectation ;
Nous deserts the entire nation.
Christmas, Fetish with red nose,
Makes all men as mummers pose,
Cant of charity, chant the carol,
Meaning, love of board and barrel,
Orgies amorous and Bacchic !
Nemesis in form Stomachic
Makes Old Motley's mimes remember
Folly's Dance in drear December.
ASTRONOMICAL AND SCIENTIFIC REMARKS.
(For Students and Kxamintn )
Q. How would a modern gun-smith describe the solar
system
A. As a " central fire, and a lot of revolvers."
Q. Is it true that foreign stocks rise and fall under
the influence of any of the Heavenly Bodies F
A. Yes. But this cause can only be satisfactorily re-
ferred to the action of those eminent financiers the
Great and Little Bear.
C.HV.MXIV
8 S. in Ad
Chl]mfi !l
Jno. Gy d.
|m..a.b,.| December.
CHRISTMAS CAROL.
(By a Poor Expectant of Pertt.)
AIR " When other lips," &c.
WHEN other Govs. for other clerk*
Shall " strike upon the bell,"
And proffer, liberal and no larks,
The " tips" they love so well ;
Perhaps in that ecstatic hour
Old " Screws" may softened be.
touch him, though" he 's close and dour 1
Then, Yule, remember me !
When geese and turkeys fly about,
And fi'pun-notes abound ;
When hampers tall, capacious, stout,
In passages are found ;
When pass the bottle and the cask
E-lee-mo-syn-ar,
At such a season I 'd but asK,
Dear Yule, remember me !
HUNTING API
-Offic
JANUARY 13, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ON NBWBUEY FIELD.
[It is proposed by the Newbury District Field Club to raise a memorial of
l.i in s CAUV VIMOUNT FALKLAND, the spot where he fell in arms for the
King's cause, in the first Battle of Newbury, Sept. 18, 1643. 600 is required
for the purpose. Nearly half the sum is already subscribed. Subscriptions
may be paid at the Old Bank, Newbury, and in London at MESSRS. DHUM-
MOND'S, HANSON'S, UOBARTS'S, and the London and County Bank.]
THERE stands a pillar upon Chalgrove'Field,
Where by war's blind event JOHN HAMPDEIT fell,
To die, still praying till his lips were sealed
That God would save the land he loved so well.
That stone reminds our times of peaceful ease
How HAMPDEN'S stainless sword, drawn to defend
01 1 monarchy and ancient liberties
Of England, was borne stainless to the end.
We see the stern and steadfast face, still set
Peacewards through risinsr storms of "civil life :
By a high purpose purified from fret
Of party feud and hate-embittered strife.
There was another, who to HAMPDEN'S goal
Pressed on by other road than HAMPDEN went ;
Whose yearning after peace so vexed his soul,
It robbed his night's rest and his day's content
FALKLAND, who, when men's hearts were tried with fire,
Came from the furnace pure as gold thrice-proved :
Who threat of Parliament and royal ire
Withstood, in strength of his high aim unmoved,
That he might teach a land that reverenced law
To brook the rule of law-abiding kings ;
For this he strove, while with hope's eye he saw
The waving of the White Peace-Angel's wings.
But when they closed in smirch of blood and smoke
On Edgehill field, he drew a burdened breath,
Went weary, as a man whose heart is broke,
And rode the fight liks one who seeks for death.
At Newbury he found it, in the van
Of BrRON's charging troopers charging home.
Of jthe King's following the noblest man,
Who had crowned Law and Peace 'neath Freedom's dome.
No stone yet marks the spot where FALKLAND fell.
The time is come such record were supplied.
As Chalgrove pillar doth of HAHPDEN tell,
Let Newhury tell how FALKLAND lived and died.
'Tis well that England lift a thankful heart
God hath so blessed our land, that either cause,
The King's and Parliament's, could find a part
For FALKLAND, HAMPDEN, loving both old laws
And ancient liberties : that when they drew
Reluctant swords, ne'er forged for brothers' wars,
Still Truth and Right, seen reek of battle through,
In life and death to both were guiding stars.
SEVEN LABOURS FOR SOMEBODY.
1. WHEN will Somebody do something towards the general intro-
duction of some really sweeping measures for the cleansing of our
pavements ?
2. When will Somebody do something towards decreasing Christ-
mas, and all the year round. drunkenness ?
3. When will Somebody do something towards removing Temple
Bar and Holywell Street ?
4. When will Somebody do something towards making chickens,
beefsteaks, salmon, butter, eggs, and oysters, as cheap as they once
used to be ?
5. When will Somebody do something really sensible in Parlia-
ment, or out of it, to cause a marked decrease in preventible railway
accidents ?
6. When will Somebody do something to induce educated Britons
to club together for the establishment of a worthy National Theatre ?
7. When will Somebody do something to solve the pressing
problem of compulsory school attendance ?
ALARMING FAEHTBE. The New Year gone into liquidation !
VOL. LXMI.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1877.
KAISER-I-HIND.
(Queen proclaimed Empress of India at Delhi, January 1, 1877.)
lien u, cannon, to the brass-bands'. blare, and elephantine trump ;
Big drums, make all the noise you can, and native tom-toms thump !
While VICEROY LYTTON changes gilt howdah for gilt throne,
And VICIOKIA'S Indian titles are to India's corners blown !
Prank yourselves, SCINDIAH, GAEKWAH, NIZAM, RAM, JAM, & Co.,
Rear your new-broidered banners, your new-coined medals show ;
Own that Old England, when she likes, can turn out a parade,
Almost as well as if such pomp were her, as 'tis your, trade.
Think not of cost, nor of the needs that call for it elsewhere ;
The cloud of coming 'scarcity that darkens the parched air :
Let not the whiff unmannerly of cyclone-swallowed dead
Come 'twixt your new nobility, and attar freely shed.
Lay your nuzzers down in homage at the courteous Viceroy's feet ;
Drink the sweet powder of salutes, increased new ranks to greet :
Nor ask if all this tinsel, these gewgaws, bind the band
More close betwiit your weakness and the strength of England's
hand.
'TwasnoMAMsEngland spread her rule, from CHARLOCK'S narrowsway
To the days of CLIVE and Plassy, of WELLESLEY and Assaye ;
But, first, by sharp swords in strong hands, and when their work was
done,
By proving she knew how to rule the Empire these had won.
And if some stains of force or fraud deface that record long,
The force is used, the fraud condoned, she now is just as strong :
The baser greeds of gold and rule a higher power o'er-rides,
By purer law than yours directs, to ends more worthy guides.
She holds your swarming millions now, but as a trust of Heaven,
To civilise and educate to her best teaching given :
A nursery for her Statesmen, for her Warriors a school,
To show men how a wiser West a wider East can rule.
Till India, as she bows before her Empress-Queen to-day,
Can offer her a gift for all the blessings of her sway
Governors wise in council, and Christian soldiers, bold,
If need were, a more troubled East to take into their hold.
JANUARY 13, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOW WE ARRANGE OUR LITTLE DINNERS.
Mistress. " OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOB FOUR THIS EVENING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OK OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER
AND AN ENTREE SAY, BEEF 1 "
Cook. " YES, 'M FKESH, OR AUSTB ? "
Mistress. " LKT ' SHE ? IT 's ONLY THE BROWNS TINNED WILL DO I "
SOMETHING LIKE SUNDAY AND WEEK-DAY
SERVICES.
OUR Life-Boats', are they not? Here is a summary
of them for 1876. Close on five hundred lives saved,
and eighteen vessels rescued from the very jaws of des-
truction ; and out of the twelve hundred men afloat
during the year in the J56 boats of the National Life-
Boat Institution, only a single man lost, to the 498 saved
by their aid aid rendered at what danger to life and
limb, at what cost of exposure, hardship, calm courage,
and skilled self-devotion, no record can tell.
Organisation the Institution gives. Courage, strength,
and skill, our gallant English sea-faring coast popula-
tion finds in abundance. But money it is for England
to contribute, for the establishment of stations, the pro-
vision of boats and apparatus, and the payment of the
rewards bestowed bv the Institution on those who aid in
its good work of life-saving at sea, in the shape of
medals and money 968 medals and 50,000 having been
granted since its foundation, in recognition of such ser-
vice.
Need Punch say more in furtherance of his call not to
Man the Life-boat" that is done already but to
money it. This may be done through any banker in
the United Kingdom, or directly through the Secretary,
14, John Street, Adelphi, London. "Adelphi" means
" brothers." What quarter so fit for the head-quarters
of a Society doing, if ever Society did, a work of Chris-
tian and, wider, human brotherhood, among those who
"Go down to the sea in ships, and occupy their busi-
ness in great waters."
How about those Buttons P
THERE are few things more wonderful, in DR.
SCHLIEMANN'S wonderful "find" at Mycense, than the
enormous quantity of buttons he has come upon in
these mysterious graves. It has been hitherto supposed
that the chieftains of the heroic age had souls above
Buttons. But we know that in the' earlier obsequies of
chiefs slaves were sacrificed to the manes of their owners.
The most probable explanation which we can offer of the
Mycenian buttons is that they belonged to the garments
of the pages who, no doubt, were burned in numbers
round the bodies of their buried masters and mistresses.
DIET CHEPE. Cheapside in this weather.
Meanwhile we govern India, 'fore all, for India's good :
To teach and rear her chieftains to rule as rulers should.
To teach and rear her people to the fair arts of peace,
So to leave a self -ruled India when our Viceroy-rule has ceased.
PROM THE STYE.
(A Protest from our Learned Pig.)
DEAB MR. PUNCH,
H HUM i'u ! I am a well-meaning 'animal, with a liberal
appetite and an unprejudiced taste. Man is a stingy brute, with an
unscrupulous conscience and a squeamish stomach. Hinc illte
lachryma .' (I am a learned pig you^will perceive.) Give a pi(f a
bad name and eat him ; abusing him afterwards for daring to dis-
agree with you ! That's human justice all over. We porkers call
it ungracious gluttony. Hrumph ! I have no particular ambition
to be eaten at all, but if post-mortem deglutition is my destiny I
would fain die with a good dietetic reputation, and escape posthu-
mous prejudice. Were the ban of MOSES and MAHOMET made uni-
versal, I should not repine. A pig like the Premier is _pachyder-
matously imperturbable under spiteful pin-pricks, particularly if
they serve a useful purpose ; he will not fume at misrepresentation,
provided he thereby escape the pot. But to feed on us, and then
flout us, is a little too bad. I am nice oh, yes, I am emphatically
and indisputably nice. Trust Epicurean humanity to discover that,
even without the lambent light thrown on Roast rig by the Essay
ofJSKa. BO-BO, the swineherd's boy, (ah ! I should Uke to. have
had the roasting of him ! I would willingly fire my stye for the
purpose : they say " Long Pig," even with a Chinese flavour is tooth-
some and succulent) BO-BO, I say, was 'representative of his race.
I am admittedly delicious. But I am unwholesome forsooth !
Bosh! ! I Has anyone yet proved that pig as pig is not as salubrious
as savoury ? Diseased, of course, I play the dickens with the dupes
and the duffers who strive to digest me. And serve them right !
But why should I be diseased ? I have been listening to my Echo,
Mr. Punch, and this is what I hear :
" Two hundred and fifty pounds of diseased pork bad been seized (in Glas-
gow) by a Sanitary Inspector. In the course of the trial it transpired that
the pigs before (laughter ' seemed dropsical.' A butcher who was examined
and leemed to look on the matter with great nonchalance considered that
this might hare been caused by the pigs having been fed on the putrefied
stomachs of diseased horses. When horses became dropsical it was common to
give them spirits of nitre or antimony, and if the pigs were fed on the flesh
of such diseased animals, the disease might be communicated to them.
The witness added that, 'it was just in the way of business to dress such
carcases.'"
There ! ! ! In the way of business ! ! And then they blame me .' .' .'
Hrumph ! It is disgusting ! Why not brand the conscienceless brute
who feeds his unsuspicious porkers on such foul offal, dealing out
death at third hand from luckless horse to deceived pig. and from de-
ceived pig to gulled humanity ! , I have a somewhat undiscriminating
appetite. It is my weakness, and I confess it openly. I have the
misfortune to be carnivorous rather than eclectic. But I have no
preference for disease-gendering garbage, I am not the Reynolds of
my race. Give me wholesome food and plenty of it, I am not parti-
cular, anything from acorns to " hotel tub " will suit me for a change,
and " the, grateful stomach of the judicious epicure " shall not
suffer post-prandially from me. But diet me on rotten fish, diseased
potatoes, or putrid horse, and if Nemesis takes the form of Trichi-
nosis, or other disgusting disorder, who is to blame ? Not I, but
the money-grubbing miscreants whom it were indeed base flattery
to call " greedy as a pig." Hrnmph ! Down on them, dear Punch,
and exonerate your much maligned correspondent,
TOBY.
(Before tht Namt was usurped ly your'own Puppy of a Dog.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1877.
WHAT'S THE ODDS?
OB, THE DUMB JOCKEY OF JEDDINGTON.
A GElfPIKB SPOETnrG IfOTBL BY
MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP,
Author of " Squeezing Langford," " Two Kicks," $c.,
CHAPTER VIII." The Treble Event."
AT his wit's end, LAWYER
FERRET, hit'upon a plan to
retrieve the fortunes of the
day.
" He must lose three
Derbys in succession, must
he not ? " asked the astute
Lawyer of the Hon ble PULL-
MAN.
" Yes, so says the Will,"
was the answer. " And if
he doesn't, the property is
mine."
" Is ours," the Lawyer rejoined, with grim humour.
LADY Di, seated in the barouche, laid her nervous hand on a diamond-hilted poniard
she wore at her girdle.
MRS. AZAMYLE, who had just returned to herself, trembled. She did not like
poniards.
LAWYER FERRET had arranged it in two seconds with the Bookmakers and Owners.
The Bell rang for the next Derby.
There were no starters, except Moka and the Invisible Prince.
"Now," exclaimed the Hon ble PULLMAN, "he's done. With one or the other, he
must walk over the course, and win. Ha ! ha ! "
But MR. STRTNGHALT raised his hat, and begged the'Hon ble Gentleman's pardon. He
(MR. STRTNGHALT) had just purchased the Invisible, and had backed him heavily.
As he had said, the Invisible won. Moka nowhere.
" Hooray ! " cried SIR THOMAS, while LAWYER FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN
absolutely danced with rage and disappointment.
A storm was brewing. The Bookmakers, over two hundred of them, utterly ruined
by following LAWYER FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN'S advice, began to eye the pair
threateningly.
There was yet another race.
'Moka must win shall win this time," screamed LAWYER FERRET, as with 'the
Hon ble PULLMAN, who was now dressed as a Jockey, he furiously approached CAVASSON,
intending to tear him from his horse, and throw him down the hill, when PULLMAN
would get up, and win on Moka.
But it would have been easier to have torn a Precentor from his stall than to drag
the^Dumb Jockey from off Moka's back.
"Base villains!" screamed the two hundred ruined Bookmakers, who were no
uninterested spectators of the exciting scene.
" Base ! " echoed LAWYER FERRET, in a deep voice. " Base ! We must be base
for the treble event."
But they were not to be mollified with a witticism, and already they were taking off
their coats, and turning up their sleeves.
Yet there was one chance ! just one !
If the Hon bl < PULLMAN CARR could hut substitute himself for the Dumb: Jockey !
lhen, once mounted on Moka, he would force the obstinate animal to gallop for dear
lite, and, by winning the third Derby with one of the Jeddington Dodd Lot, the two pre-
vious races would go for nothing.
LAWYER FERRET, the Hon 11 ' PULLMAN, and CAVASSON the Dumb Jockey, were
engaged in a deadly struggle. The two former, animated by despair, put forth all their
strength. A loud shout went up from the Bookmakers.
CAVASSON could resist no longer. The sur-
ingle was loosened, the girths gave way, and
le tumbled to the ground an inert mass.
In a second the Hon ble PULLMAN was on
Moka's back.
One flash of the whip ! one nourish of his
spurs in the air ! and he was off.
Off, hut not thrown. Moka's heels were
light and quick, but the Hon ble PULLMAN'S
seat was as sure' as if he 'd been elected
without a dissentient voice.
Moka would not stir.
LADI Di and MRS. AZAMYLE "screamed, and
waved their handkerchiefs in their frenzied
excitement.
GUSSY, in her brougham, leant back fainting.
Was she about to lose her lover and her hap-
piness for ever ? Oh, if Moka would only be
arm ! if she would but lie down and refuse to
move ! One of the others might win the Derby,
and Moka be last after all.
LAWYER FERRET suddenly reappeared,
bearing a long pole with bright, gleaming,
attractive vegetables, such as Moka loved,
fixed at one end.
This he gave to the Hon ble PULLMAN.
In an instant he saw his plan. A gleam of
dope shone on the pallid countenances of the
Bookmakers.
The Hon ble PULLMAN rested the pole between
Moka's ears, so that the tempting bait of
carrots and green vegetables hung within a
few inches of the animal's clear-scenting nose.
Highly trained as Moka was, yet she was not
gifted with such common sense as might have
told her that no amount of galloping would
bring her one fraction nearer the coveted
prize.
Yet off she started full gallop.
A ringing cheer went up from the Book-
makers, who now ran along by the course,
laying the odds, right and left, on what was,
evidently, a certainty.
What were the odds ?
Why, two thousand to one on Moka ! ! !
And where was SIR THOMAS DODD ?
In the middle of her career, SIR THOMAS,
standing on the top of GUSSY'S brougham, was
offering three thousand to one on Invisible
Prince, and taking all the odds he could get
against Moka.
The Bookmakers, relying upon LAWYER
FERRET and the Hon ble PULLMAN CARE, took
him in every direction at once. They backed
Moka for millions. They were determined
to skin the lamb that day, and the lamb was
SIR THOMAS DODD. "Done! Done! Done!"
But Invisible Prince, who has been no-
where at first, is now creeping up alongside.
And who has been put up to ride ?
Is it possible ? Yes I There is no doubt
about it ! There are the black, purple, green,
red, and orange stripes !
It is CAVASSON, the Dumb Jockey of .Jed-
dington.
Tottenham Corner is passed. Moka first,
Invisible Prince second ; the rest nowhere.
Suddenly, from the crowd, the report of a
pistol is heard. Moka, thoroughly trained,
knows the signal. She drops, as though shot.
There she lies, quietly eating the carrots and
the greens, with the Hon ble PULLMAN wedged
in, under her. No effort of her Hon blc rider
could extricate himself, or get her to move.
There he lay a prisoner. LAWYER FERRET
tore his hair, and cursed, but he was borne
onward by the rush of two hundred Book-
makers.
It was WILLIAM BUTTON who had fired the
pistol. He had had a long experience in the
Comic business of a Circus, and this was one
of the tricks he had taught Moka.
' ' Hoorah ! Hoorah ! Hoopla tchk ! "
Cheers from the Grand Stand. Cheers
from the honest public. Groans and execra-
tions from the two hundred Bookmakers.
JANUARY 13, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
The Numbers are up
INVISIBLE PRINCE .... 1
The rett Nowhere.
" Thanks, CAVASSON ! " cried SIK THOJUS DODD, deeply affected
" You have saved the honour and name of DODD ! "
"But," screamed LAWYER FEKRET, "you have forfeited the
estates ! You have not lost three Derbys in succession ! "
SIR THOMAS smiled, as, from behind the Judge's box, an elderly
gentleman stepped calmly forward, with a parchment in his hand
FERRET recognised him. It was MB. GRAZIN LANE, the well-known
Chancery Interpleader.
MK. OKA/UN LANE bowed politely to LAWYER FERRET, and the
jj on bie puu, M ijf. Then he said,
" Kxcuse me ; I am a little hoarse."
A yell camo up from the Bookmakers, who were in no humour for
a jest. _ ME. OKA/IN LANK continued calmly,
" This is no juke for any one. I have here several legal docu-
ments; but, if yoii will allow me, I will skip over what is unneces-
sary."
' Skip ! " they cried, like onje man.
Mu. (in \ZIN LANE bowed, skippedover the legal forms, and then,
after taking the necessary steps, he cleared bis voice at a bound,
and thus addressed .the assembly.*
(To be continued.)
* From Editor to Public. Telegram just arrived. It it to be finished next
week. Last chapter not here yet Shall bring it up with me on my return
from the Major's, Bogus Park, Boshey, where, I '11 be bound, they are keeping
Christmas in true old English fashion. ED.
CUTTINGS FROM NEW-YEAR DIARIES.
LD Paterfamilias
(Friday, Jan. 5).
Dividends due
at the Bank :
mustn't forget
that the Fire In-
surance expires
on the 9th.
Wrote to ask
JONES to send
me back the um-
brella I left at
his rooms'on New
Year's Day, when
we dined together
to finish the holi-
day on the Stock
Exchange.
MaterfamiKas
(Friday Jan. 5).
Dividends due
at the Bank.
Tried to get
QEORGE to give
me a new bonnet.
First attempt
was a failure. On
reminding him,
however, that
business couldn't have detained him on New Year's Day, at MB.
JONES'S, he changed the subject, and wrote me a cheque. Must get
the children new shoes for to-morrow's Twelfth-Night party.
Mi'ns Fanny (Friday, Jan. 5). I do so [wish my next quarter's
money was due as MADAME CRINOLINE'S bill has left me almost
penniless. _It may arise from my buying gloves with four buttons
instead of six. " poverty, poverty, how bitter is thy sting " I
wonder who wrote that ? Of course I remember, it was ALEXANDER
SELKIRK.
Miss Laura (Friday, Jan. 5). No news ot^him ! I wonder if he
will be at the children's party to-morrow ? He may, and then I
shall see him once again. Even when he is pretending to be ahorse
for the amusement of the children, he looks romantic. Love,
what a strange thing thou art, changing the most lowly things into
all sorts of other things ! I write this with^ the window, open with
my eyes turned towards the black, cheeriest midnight sky ! I hope
I shan't catch cold !
m M f: Charles\(Friday, Jan. 5). Nothing on for to-day. Children's
Iwelith-Nightparty to-morrow. That httl flirt LAURA is sure to
be the re. Shall I go ? Depend! whether I can cut into a rubber at
the Club. In these hard times can't afford to lose my cards.
Master 'Tommy (Friday, Jan. 5). Just; eighteen hours to the
Twelfth-Night Party. What lota of cake I shall eat! Twenty
days more to the end of the holidays. Ain't I sorry ! What a rot
diary is ! Shouldn't keep it if papa hadn't promised me five
shillings if I wrote some things every day for a fortnight. Come, I
have done enough for to-day.
Mr. Tentofour Seeling- wax (Friday, Jan. 5). Stayed at the
office all day reading the papers. Had a snooze in the afternoon,
and dined at the Club.
Mr, Fox Wolf, Lawyer (Friday, Jan. 5). Good day's work.
Sold up three widows, and dispossessed six orphans. Sang
" Dreaming of Angels " with great success at a soiree in the
evening.
Lieutenant Sabretache (Friday, Jan. 5). On guard all day, and,
consequently, nothing on earth to do. Couldn t find anything to
read but the Queen's Regulations. Read some of them for a novelty,
and found them dry and difficult to understand. Wish I had had a
Uradshaw might nave read the advertisements instead.
Mr. Shakespeare Jiyron Jones, Amateur Author (Friday, Jan. 5).
Made up my mind to write a five-act tragedy in blank verse.
Wrote to the Editors of six Magazines asking if they wanted any
articles. Offered to do a Pantomime for MR. CHATTKRTON, at Drury
Lane, if it wasn't too late. Thought out the first chapters of my
Novel. Spent the rest of the day in considering what I should call
the new paper I mean to start.
Mr. Punch, 85, Fleet Street (Friday, Jan. 5). Hard at work all
day. No time for diary writing. Leave all that sort of thing for
people with more leisure on their hands than brains in their head-
pieces.
NEW?
A Query by a Querulous Quidnunc.
" I wish you a Happy New Year." Popular Saying.
HAPPY ? That 's doubtful ! Pessimists would say
Those who are like to find it so are few :
And of all New Year's deeds from day to day
How many will be New t
What if War's waking bring black fear and sadness,
With parting 's pang to palace, hall, and hovel ?
Alas ! about that immemorial madness
There 's nothing that is novel.
If Trade peace-fostered flourish, then the rout
Of Mammon's thralls old triumphs by old troubles
Will buy once more : there 's little new about
The_tints that brighten bubbles.
Black-hackle cocks round clerical mare's nests
Will spar, sects pit to-day against to-morrow,
But each new vestment Reverend Mimes invest
From the dead past they 11 borrow.
The old political pot-d-feu will boil
With the old hash of all the old ingredients ;
Old principles fresh-furbished>ct as foil
To old re-trimmed expedients.
Neologies galore will take the town,
Mere masquerade old faces with new masks !
The frothiest must but proves, when settled down,
Old liquor in new casks.
Art, new-coined terms upon her tongue, will trace,
With fingers feeble as old hands were furious,
Faint copies of the ancient glow and grace,
Antiques as pale as spurious.
Poesy, plumed for unexampled flights,
Will deem it soars, while in old mire it grovels ;
Sumphs vainly seek new radiance in new fights,
Or novelty in novels 1
And fools will play their old preposterous pranks,
Old politicians make their big blunders ;
And jesters scatter time-worn quips and cranks ;
And priests roll harmless thunders.
New Years ? Alas ! I 've'greeted'not a few,
But spite of piendo-seers who jarred and jangled,
I find they 've brought me little that is new,
To much that is new-fangled 1
SEASONABLE QUERY. If the Mussulman wants muscle for war,
low can the Iluss fight without its sinews ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1877.
VERS DE SOCIETE.
THAT PLAYFUL BUT TENDER YOUNG BARD, THE HON. FITZ-LAVKUDER B BLAIRS, ENJOYS THE ALMOST PBRFECT BLISS OF READING
A LITTLE THING OF HIS OWN TO A CIRCLE OF WEAK-MINDED BUT INTENSELY SYMPATHETIC WOMEN :
"TO A FAIR ARCHERESS.
" Glad lady mine, that glitterert
In Khinimah of summab athwart the lawn,
Canst tell me which is bitterest
The glamaw of Eve, or the glimmah of dawn,
Chorus. " How EXQUISIM ! How REFINED ! !
' To those -with whose hearts thou interest
The field where they fall at thy feet to fawn ?
As a buttahfly dost thou fluttah by !
How, whence, and oh ! whither, art come and gone ? "
HOW REALLY QUITE TOO FAR MORE THAN MOST AWFULLY DELICIOUS ! ! ! "
[Aa the Poem it not of equal merit throughout we only quote the first Stanza.
A CALL TO THE COAST-GUARD.
(By Authority, according to the " Gardeners' Magazine.")
YE Custom-Honse officers keep a look-out
The coasts of Great Britain and Ireland about,
At all ports, English, Cambrian, Irish, and Scotch,
Against a bold Smuggler far worse than Will Watch.
Look sharp, or h '11 smuggle himself, contraband
More fearful than Cavendish, into our land,
Concealed in Canadian cargoes, or freights
Arriving in vessels from Yankeedom's States.
Cute rascal, he '11 try out of vision to hide,
Because he 's detected as soon as descried,
Being plainly marked out, as with figures or types,
By colours resembling the Stars and the Stripes.
He looks like a lady-bird a* to his kind.
A j '\. big S er ' and longer from front to behind ;
And the stripes which the vagabond bears on his wings
istingmsn that plague from those innocent things.
His colours, however, are yellow and black,
borne spots of the last at the top of his back,
*ive stripes of the same on one side, and five more
On the other ; in heraldry Sable on Or.
His name 's Colorado ; wherever he goei
He devours every precious potato that grows.
Entomology's doctors the title have stuck to him
Of Doryfera decemlineata bad luck to him !
Look out for this foe, worse than 'tater disease,
Aboard ships, inside sacks, upon wharves, and on quays,
Under sheds, in all packages, bundles, and bales,
In fact anything brought us by steam or by sails.
Tide-waiters, and Searchers, and Coast-Guard, and all,
Prepare on this Smuggler self-smuggled to fall,
To put down a foot on him, wheresoe'er found,
And squash him and squelch him to smash on the ground.
It may not be easy, or possible quite.
To stamp out a murrain, a fever, or blight ;
But at least we can stamp beetles out if they show
When seen, serve this vicious American so.
The Better Way with Betting-House Keepers.
THE proprietor of a sporting journal the other day pleaded guilty
at Guildhall to a charge of having kept his house open for betting
purposes, the repetition of an offence for which he was fined 100
about a year ago. His counsel, on the plea of domestic affliction
and dangerous illness, "asked that he might not be sent to prison
without a fine." SIR ROBERT CABDEN, with some hesitation, decided
merely to fine him dSlOO and 5 5. costs.'.but added that " in all
future cases imprisonment without fine would be inflicted on such
offenders." Perhaps it would be better that they should " not be
sent to prison without a fine," but smartly fined in addition to being
imprisoned.
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JANUARY 13, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
9
MR. PUNCH'S CELEBRITES CHEZ EUX.
No. I. THE GKEAT MAN AT HOMK.
(By One who Knows his Footman.)
KVEKAI. magnificent
Parka, one leading
out of the other ;
then a gorgeous
'den' full of tro-
ol plants and
vers, a fresh and
grant tangle of
greenery, a musical,
melodious, mur-
muring melange of
birds, fountains,
fruit - trees, lakes,
and mountains.
Always bine sky,
and always sun-
shine and soft sweet
breezes. Such the
surroundings of the
Palace.
The House itself.
A noble building of
marble and precious
stones, now remind-
ing one of the
Louvre, now of Hampton Court, now of Belvoir Castle. A quaint old place,
with immense stacks of red brick chimneys, heaps of bronze doors, and hundreds
of latticed windows. A home for a CROMWELL, a NAPOLEON THE GKEAT, or an
EDWARD THE CONFESSOR. At the back, twenty square miles of good mixed
shooting, and a hundred leagues of trout-stream.
The Servants' Offices excellent. A splendid suite of apartments for the
Butler, with a secret passage leading from the comfortable library into the
cellar. An airy pantry, with cupboards full of plate. A nicely-furnished
Housekeeper's Room, the very place for wit and comfort. A Servants' Hall
ever ready to extend its hospitality to litterateurs. And the employes, in their
powdered hair and magnificent uniforms of plush smalls and yellow coats nice,
amiable, unaffected men. full of anecdotes of Him the Great Man it is their
pride to serve. From the Butler himself down to the young gentleman in
buttons all equally chatty and confidential.
Up-Stairs. Gold, silver, and blue brocade. Here is the Hall where the
Great Man puts his umbrella and hat. That unpretending bronze peg is the
one upon which he hangs his overcoat. Yonder cupboard hides his well-
worn wide-awake, his hunting-whips, his favourite rods, and his short pipe.
The Great Man, when he can escape from his followers, delights in a ramble
across country. He will start at four in the morning, and, whistling to half-a-
dozen dogs (a retriever, two foxhounds, a Newfoundland, a bull-terrier, and
a pug), will, thus followed, hunt for hours the artful rabbit or the wily snipe.
Then he will drop in at a country inn, and dine on the simplest fare some soup,
a little fish, a few entrees, and a bird. But this he will do only when he has
some particular chum staying with him such as His Royal Highness fresh
from Marlborough House, or my LOUD BEACONSPIELD. On State days he will
remain in the gold drawing-room, in his simple but effective costume of black
velvet slashed with red satin, giving audiences to the great [and noble.
Courteous to the last degree, he bows his guest into the jewelled chair, and
talks for five minutes. Then he rises, and another graceful bow proclaims
the interview at an end. But he is an inveterate smoker, and never appears
without a homely " yard of clay " hanging from between his lips.
His wardrobe contains all sorts of magnificent costumes, the gifts (in great
part) of his admirers. Here is the Court dress of a North American Indian,
there the mufti of a Field-Marshal of Pern ; yonder (thrown about in confusion)
are a number of patents of nobility. The Orders of Knighthood (of which the
Great Man possesses sixty-seven) are not here to-day. They have been sent down
to the footman's pantry to be brushed up with the rest of the plate.
And how does the Great Man spend his day ? At five he wakes, and takes a
cup of tea with two lumps of sugar in it. Then he dashes into a swimming-bath ,
and atterwards spends a couple of hours in his private gymnasium. After this
he is ready for his secretaries. Ten of them enter his study (a small apartment,
full of books, desks, and magnificent extra-sized chandeliers), and read to him
his correspondence. As his letters number on the average two thousand a post,
his secretaries read them simultaneously to save time. Then comes breakfast
a simple meal of coffee, claret, lobster, mushrooms, muffins, pig's fry (a dish of
which he is particularly fond) a few pates defoie gras, and perhaps a haunch of
venison, or a canvas-back. After breakfast the usual business of the day
commences. From noon till two o'clock he writes. He is a quick thinker, and
works last. In these two hours he will sometimes knock off at one sitting a
five-act comedy, a draught treaty of commerce, and a three- volume novel. At
two he sees the Ambassadors, giving precedence to the French as the repre-
sentative of an unfortunate people. Then come the German, the Russian, the
Italian, and the Austro-Hungarian. Of late he has refused to see the Turkish
Ambassador. It is scarcely necessary to add that the Great Man talks to each
foreigner in bis visitor's native tongue. After the
Ambassadors come the statesmen. LORD HARTINGTON
is put into the Red Room, while SIR STAFFORD NORTH-
COTE lounges in the Blue.
Even if each visitor should receive no more than the
regulation five minutes, these interviews consume
several hours. At six, the Great Man devotes some
forty-five minutes to recreation. It is at this time that
he meets his greatest friends en petit comite. The brown
boudoir (furnished in the Oriental fashion with couches
and Old Masters) rings with the laugh of ALFRED TKNXV-
SON, the chuckle of CARLTLE, the soft "ha-ha" of
CHARLES READE, and the boisterous merriment of MR.
GLADSTONE. The rare old glasses at these times mirror
the faces of such men as SIR WILFRID LAWSON, the
ARCHBISHOP OP CANTERBURY, MR. BUCKSTONE, SIB,
GEOROE NARES, MAJOR O'GoimAir, and DR. CUMMINO of
Scotland. Then comes dinner, a glorious meal with a
menu a yard long ; and then the Great Man goes out to
be petted and feted by Society, to dance with the
Duchess of This, and to flirt with the Countess of That.
At these times he refuses to talk business. BISMARCK
may telegraph and ROTHSCHILDS may follow him about,
but to no good his rule has not an exception. When
he requires country air, a hearty welcome awaits him at
Balmoral, Sandringham, and Osborne. He refuses daily
invitations from the Elysefc, and the imperial palaces of
Vienna, St. Petersburg and Berlin ; ho hates ceremony
with its guards of honour, its court-banquets, and military
reviews. He likes to be with his friends, and when he
pays a visit, only takes with him half-a-dozen of his
valets, and a few cordons bleus. And what is the name
of this truly Great Man? The question is easily
answered. The name of this truly Great Man is
Mr. Punch.
HOW TO USE A CLUB.
NEVER pay your subscription until you have obtained
post rank. Modern Chios collapse so suddenly that
it is well to be on the safe side ; oesides, you gain the
interest of the money and get your name advertised free
gratis.
Always run down the Club when you are in ; even call
it a pot-house. The other members will, of course, think
that you belong to several superior Clubs, and love you
accordingly.
Always swear at the Waiters. It is not included in
their wages, but they regard it as a perquisite.
No Club Man, who is wise, ever buys a new umbrella.
Why should he, when so many men daily do it for him ?
The time for the best is between seven and eight, when
members are pretty safe in the dining-room.
If you take a fancy to any engraving in the rarer
library books cut it out when no one is by. If the
Committee inform you that this is dishonest, reply that
that may be their impression, but that you prefer proofs.
When the Smoking-room Waiter brings you the
cigar-box, ask boldly and loudly, "Which are the
eighteen-penny ones?" and select quietly a twopenny
cheroot. So you gain at a minimum of expenditure
one of the greatest advantages of wealth.
Invariably black-ball men who are put up for election
by either your proposer or seconder. As in nine cases
out of ten we nave cause to regret introducing men as
members of our Club, you will be doing your friends an
unobtrusive yet essential service.
Stare at strangers as though they" were some new
form of wild beasts. You dont pay an entrance-fee and
innual subscription to have your Club turned into an
hotel. Besides, other members' friends are always cads.
When the conversation turns, upon books, though the
only two you know are your laundress's and an old Ruff,
speak ainly of your " library." That at the Museum is
as much yours OB it is anybody's.
Get hold of a lord if you can, even though it be but an
Irish peer ; invite him to dinner, and take care that
everyone knows who he is. After he is gone, shrug your
shoulders, call him "Poor devil!" and hint that you
' dessay he 's glad of a dinner." So you score doubly.
When compelled to speak of your three-pair-back,
allude to it as your "chambers; and to SALLY, your
fifteen years' old maid-of-all-work as your " man. '
Back your bill daily. Complain of the cigars, dinner,
10
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1877.
RECOLLECTION OF HUNTING SEASON (CLOSE OF 1876-BEGINNING OF 1877).
Paterfamilias. " WELL, I BEGIN TO THINK THE WEATHER is A TRIFLE TOO OPEN ! "
wine, coals, gas, and attendance, and you '11 soon be a Committee-
man yourself. Then you can snub other grumblers.
Pocket the Club stationery. It is far cheaper than buying your
own, and it is only wasted at the Club.
Wear your hat in every part of the house. It informs strangers
of the fact that you are a member, and is an altogether dignified
and becoming method of asserting your proprietorship. This is a rule
to be rigidly observed when any member happens to be showing a
party of ladies over the house.
Keep new members at arm's length : let them clearly understand
that, while you are compelled to tolerate their presence, you are by
no means certain that they are not swindlers and vagabonds.
By observing these few rules, and some others which Mr. Punch
may furnish you with upon another occasion, you will, in time, be-
come a most popular member of your Club, and when in the fulness
of time you die, your place will not easily be filled.
OUE BENEFICED DISSENTERS.
FHIEND PUNCH,
IT is verily gratifying to see friends E. F. GROOM and
J. PLIMPTON, Churchwardens of St. James's, ' Hatcham, and up-
holders of friend TOOTH in his defiance of the law and the Court of
Arches, seemingly in a way to arrive at a sense of his position and
their own. Thou hast doubtless read their letter to the Timei,
wherein they say :
" We are not such a mall body ai many think ; the English Church Union
and the Church of England Working-men's Society together number more
than 25,000 Churchmen, and thee do not represent a tithe of thoie who sym-
pathise with us."
If not so small a body as many think, the party they belong to is
a minority not perhaps as large as they imagine. As to the tithe
of those who sympathise .with them, how much longer do they
suppose members of the Church by Law Established are likely to
continue paying tithes to Clergy whose followers have at last begun
to discern them to be ministers of another denomination? The
above-named friends go on to testify as follows :
" It ia said we are lawless. No more lawless, I take it, Sir, than Noncon-
formists were when they refused to pay Church-rates, which were then imposed
by the law of England, by permitting their goods to be seized rather than give
up the principle for which they were contending that citizens should not be
compelled to support a religious institution against their consciences ; so we,
for principle, are determined to suffer loss of property, and of liberty if need
be, for the maintenance of the right of the Church of England to govern her-
self in spiritual matters without interference from secular authority."
When friends GROOM and PLIMPTON, on the part of friend TOOTH
and his adherents, describe themselves as representing the Church,
those three said friends doubtless remind thee of three other such,
the celebrated apparel-makers .of Tooley Street, who styled them-
selves the People of England. Whilst, however, with one breath
our Hatcham friends claim to typify the Church whose Government
they disown, thou seest that with the other they compare themselves
to Nonconformists ; and it may be hoped that they will soon discover
how nearly they resemble them, the resemblance being precisely
such as one pea bears to another. They persist in practising rites and
ceremonies of their own, and refusing to conform to those of the
Established Church by Law matters of ritual prescribed by that
Law as interpreted by its legal Judges ; and it is notorious that
their Nonconformity as to postures and gestures signifies Noncon-
formity of opinions also. Wherein, then, do their Ministers differ
from friend SPUHGEON, friend PARKER, friend NEWMAN HALL, and
the Nonconformists who sit under those and other Nonconforming
friends? In two important but unessential particulars. They
preach and practise their Nonconformity within the steeple-houses
and other edifices of the Establishment, instead of Salems and
Ebener ers of their own, and they sack the Established hire. Other-
wise it is manifest to every creature above a donkey, and, from the
avowals above quoted, appears to be dawning upon even their own
intellects, that they are all of them, laity and clergy, no more and
no less out-and-out thorough-going Nonconformists and Dissenters
than friends CHADBAND and STIGOINS Dissenters and Nonconformists
though of a different colour from the drab which distinguishes the
" vestments " of thy broad-brimmed Friend, OBADIAH.
SCURVY OUTBREAK. The attacks on the Arctic Expedition.
JANUARY 13, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
11
THE CHRISTMAS SERMON.
Gerald (who has been listening with exemplary patience). "MAMMA, WHIN is HE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT THB Pi/UMNO I "
EDUCATIONAL EXPENSES.
IT may be that the relation existing be-
tween education and crime is precisely the
reverse at Manchester of what it will be
found to be everywhere else. The Chaplain
of Manchester Gaol the other day read a re-
port declaring the experience of the Assizes
and Sessions at Manchester to show " that
mere reading and writing have been the
instrumental means without the use of
which the forger, the embezzler, the frau-
dulent trustee, the base coiner, the false
begging-letter writer, the dishonest ware-
houseman and clerk, and such like, could
not ever come into existence as criminals."
Perhaps the development instead of the pre-
vention of crime by education is peculiar to
Manchester. Otherwise School Boards will
not be found such economical institutions as
it was predicted they would. An outlay in
education rates, instead of being repaid by
reduction of county rates will simply neces-
sitate augmented local taxation for prison
expenses. But let us hope it is an excep-
tional and not a general fact, that the
Three R's are conducive to the growth of
a fourth R Roguery.
NEW TWELFTH-NIGHT CHARACTERS.
THE (h'F.KN as the Star of India.
The Sm.TAN as the Injured Innocent.
The EMPEROR OF RCSSIA as the Two-
headed Dilemma.
MIDHAT PASHA as Chen-Bounce.
LORD SALISBURY as the Pilot who .did
his best to weather the storm.
GENERAL IGNATIEFF as Jack Brag.
EARL BEACONSFIKLD as Lord Bateman.
MB. GLADSTONE as Cerberus, the three-
headed Janitor ofj the gates of London,
Rome, and Constantinople.
MR. JOHN BRIGHT as the Angel with the
Olive Branch.
MR. TENNYSON as Harold-Hard-writer.
GEORGE'.ELIOT as the Poet of MOSES & Co.
MR. SWINBURNE as the Blush Rose.
MR. CAKLYLE as the Cremorne Hermit.
DR. SLA D E as the 'Possum up a Gum Tree.
MR. SPURGEON as the Christian Minstrel.
WHY STIR HIS STUMPS?
WHAT, in the name of common sense, could the Vicar and Church-
wardens of Wadsley Bridge have meant by objecting to the bat, balls,
and stumps on the tombstone of BENJAMIN KEETON, the Cricketer,
with the loving and Christian inscription, which, thanks to the
kindness of a Sheffield Correspondent, a Cricketer too, Punch is
glad to be able to append :
" Farewell, dear wife, my life is past :
My lore was true until the last.
Then think of me, nor Borrow take,
But lore my Saviour for my sake."
Altogether we never heard of a more creditable gravestone : nor is
this professional symbolism a new thing in the tombstones of those
parts. The Vicar and Churchwardens may see in Wadsley Bridge
Churchyard a Musician's tombstone, with its music-bars and the
notes of HANDEL'S sublime strain, " The trumpet shall sound and the
dead shall be raised?' carved upon it ; and a Blacksmith's, charged
with the hammer and pincers flanking the horseshoe of his grimy but
useful occupation.
Did not the Vicar at least know whatever the Churchwardens
may have known that in the good old times this carving on the
tombstone of the implements of the sleeper's handicraft, beginning
with the Soldier's sword and the Dame's distaff, was an almost
universal practice ? And bat and balls were KEETON'S tools as a
professional Cricketer.
Then, if we turn from the practice in the matter to the principle
at the bottom of it, where can be the objection to what is a mere
record of the sleeper's craft true labour wherein was one of his
life's best prayers, gui laborat. orat, but a record addressed to
the eye, at once picturesque, and encouraging local art; instructive,
as showing what trade implements have been ; directly intelligible,
and more vivid in its appeal to the memory than any description
in words would be, wliilo infinitely closer to the fact than most
monumental enumerations of the virtues of the departed your
grave-stone mason being the one recorder who observes the law,
more charitable than honest, de mortuii nil nisi bonum.
The more Punch considers the matter, the more he feels inclined,
instead of objecting to the practise of such symbolic stone-cutting,
to wish it were everywhere restored in English Churchyards, till the
proverb should run " True as a tombstone," instead of " False as
an epitaph."
We are glad to find that Wadsley Bridge Vicar and Churchwar-
dens having thought of it, have naturally thought better of it, and
have determined to leave BENJAMIN KEETON'S bat, balls, and stumps
where his widow has placed them.
January Summer.
AN advertisement announces that :
" Cherry Ripe ! is commenced in the January Number of the Tfmple Bar
Magazine."
Here is indeed a proof of the extraordinary mildness of the
season !
OFFICIAL OMISSION.
WE see advertised extensively " Inexhaustible Salts, as supplied
to the QUEEN." What a pity that they were not supplied to the
Admiralty in time for issue to the last Arctic Expedition !
POKER red-hot banished from Pantomime, has been received
with open arms at some fashionable London Clubs.
12
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1877.
MANAGER BEACONSFIELD'S TRANSFORMATION
SCENE.
Theatre Royal, Delhi.
BECISELY within a
week of Christmas
Day there has been
exhibited in the
Capital of India a
spectacle curiously
similar to those
magnificent displays
with which the sen-
timents inspired by
that solemn season
are wont to be|de-
monstrated in the
Metropolis of the
British Empire. The
proclamation of Her
Majesty's Imperial
title at Delhi on New
Year's Day was at-
tended with cere-
mony and pageant
l'ust as much calcu-
lated to astonish and
gratify the ^natives
privileged to witness
it as analogous
pomps and splendour
here to amaze and
delight the youthful
mind. The scene on
the plain three miles
north of the Vice-
regal camp at Delhi ;
the amphitheatre
and dais the circu-
lar platform of light
blue framework, re-
lieved by illumi-
nated panels alternatelyWisplaying'the Royal Arms and the Imperial
Crown intermingled with the Imperial Initials, with its umbrella-
shaped canopy of red, white, and gold supported on gilt posts over-
head ; the gorgeously-coloured semicircle of seats reserved for the
native grandees and high officials under its white awning fringed
with blue, and resting on white and gilt figures decorated with flags
and festoons ; the attendant troops and guards of honour ; the pic-
turesque costumes and uniforms of the guests and visitors ; theViCE-
EOY and LADY LYTTON riding in a gilt howdah on a huge elephant,
followed by their children on another, and attended by a gigantic
sham-herald, MAJOB BABNES, in a tabard surreptitiously copied from
the real thing, its wearer ignorant of all connection with the College
in Doctors' Commons,'and grievous to the soul of Garter, Clareneeux,
and Dragon Rouge, but attired in two hundred pounds' worth of
heraldic Tiabiliments ; the sixty-three ruling Chiefs in attendance
with their military retainers ; the Isalute of a hundred guns : the
feu-de-joie fired by the soldiers ; the glare, glitter, and parade of
the whole show must have resembled nothing so exactly as the Trans-
formation Scene of a Christmas Pantomime. This resemblance was
rendered all the closer by the piece of dumb show, performed by
LOUD LYTTON, of hanging commemorative medals about the necks
of the native Chiefs, and by the delivery of the Proclamation,
spoken by MAJOB BAENES after an appropriate flourish of trumpets ;
only the Proclamation was not, as it might have been, cast in heroic
verse. And there was" one particular in which the comparison be-
tween the Durbar at Delhi and the Pantomimes at Drury Lane and
Covent Garden certainly cannot he sustained. There was no bene-
ficent fairy present to turn any of the characters in the scene into
Harlequin and Columbine, not to mention Clown and Pantaloon.
However, the whole display served admirably to typify the supre-
macy over barbaric magnificence assumed and asserted by Civilisa-
tion.
Flames Male and Female.
AT the Royal Institution, the other evening, in the third lecture
of the "juvenile course," DB. GLADSTONE described "the various
kinds of flames." Among these, however, from a report of his
lecture, he appears to have made no mention 'of the " old flame "
remembered by most men as once so extremely bright and beauti-
ful, but as liable to grow in the hard hands of Time quite the revrse
of either beautiful or bright.
THE ENDOWMENT OF RESEARCH.
" GOVERNMENT FUND OF 4000 FOR THE PROMOTION OF SCIENTIFIC
RESEARCH. The President and Council of the Royal Society have resolved
to advise the Committee of Council on Education to expend the above-named
Fund in aiding Scientific Research : 1. By conferring grants on Competent
Persons, or by offering Prizes of considerable value for the solution of Pro-
blems. 2. By meeting applications from Persons desirous of undertaking
Investigations. 3. By applying Funds for Computation, the Formation of
Tables of Constants, and other laborious and unremunerative Scientific work.
Applications are to be addressed to the Secretaries of the Royal Society,
Burlington House, London, W., marked [Government Fund]."
THIS announcement has naturally produced great excitement in
the Scientific World. The letter-box of the Royal Society is daily
choked with applications. We append a few of the more remark-
able of these appeals.
GENTLEMEN,
FOE years past I have consecrated all my leisure to per-
fecting a discovery which will produce results beyond the power of
the most Oriental imagination to realise. I am as certain as I am
of the rise of to-morrow's sun, or the visit of the tax-collector, that
a grant of 50 or, to prevent the possibility of failure, say 100
would enable me to bring my experiments to a successful issue, and
confer on the Royal Society the enviable distinction of having been
the medium of revealing to the world a long latent secret. I mean
that of Perpetual Motion.
88, Chimera Crescent, N. W. P. GBEEN MOONING.
DEAK Sin, Jan. 6, 1877.
I HAVE not slept a moment, for pardonable excitement since
I read of the intentions of bur glorious, great-hearted, chivalrous
Government, to grant 4000 for Scientific Research. A cheque for
150 (not crossed} will put me in possession of the means of procuring
apparatus and chemicals, the only things wanting to enable me to
complete the last link in a chain of experiments Which will, which
shall, which must culminate in the transmutation of all the baser
metals into genuine, solid, virgin GOLD.
Yours in haste (for the Laboratory waits),
2A, Little Stickleback Street, E. EUPHOBBIUS WHISTLETON.
276, Dock Avenue, Liverpool,
GENTLEMEN, &A l"'^-
PEAY use your influence with the Government to get me
awarded a grant of 500 to 1000, to aid me in showing that the whole
system of Modern Astronomy is radically wrong. The prevailing
notions of the configuration of the earth (ridiculously called one of
the heavenly bodies), the composition of the sun and its distance
from our globe, and the absence of life in the moon, I have over and
over again proved to the satisfaction of myself and my friends, to
be as gross delusions as the belief in the philosopher's stone and the
divining rod of former ages. I only require the trifle I have men-
tioned to put my convictions on such a base of absolute certainty,
that the world shall hail me as the greatest Scientific Reformer
since the days of COPEBNICUS, GALILEO, and TYCHO BBAHE.
Yours,
TnALES ALEXANDEE WILDEBSPIN-.
GENTLEMEN,
I AM ready to sell to the Government my infallible specifics
for sea-sickness and hydrophobia, which have never been known to
fail since my great-grandfather first brought the prescriptions with
him from the Vale of Cashmere. My terms are 4000 cash.
Your obedient Servant,
Isle of Dogs, E., Jan. 1, 1877. ANDKEW MAC CANNTB.
MY DEAB SIES, The Crib, James Wattville, Manchester.
A NEW motive power is within my grasp, which will render
steam as obsolete as the pack-horse and the stage-waggon. I am
impeded in my experiments by the want of means to procure mate-
rial, machinery, skilled labour, and workshops. I want only but
2000 for all this. Plead for me for a grant to that amount, and
you will place me (and yourselves) on the same pedestal of fame as
ABCHIMEDES, WATT, and the STEPHENSONS.
6/1/77.
ABCHIMEDES J. STBOWGBASS.
Miss KATHLEEN O'COEKEY is anxious to engage in the following
computations :
1. The number of penny postage-stamps it would take to go round
the world.
2. The number and cost of the umbrellas now in use in Great
Britain and Ireland.
3. The value of the waste paper annually burnt or thrown away in
GreatB ritain, Scotland, and Wales.
She trusts the Government will allow her an annuity of 250
until her calculations are completed.
Thomas Moore Street, Dublin. Friday Evening.
JANUARY 20, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
ONTAl
FIELD PERSPECTIVE (FOR SOFT WEATHER).
"WOMEN'S WORK IN THE CHURCH."
THE'legend of POPE JOAN may or may not be authentic ; but the
possibility, at least, of a female Pope is manifest from the positive
fact that there are female Parsons. For this is a fact beyond all
doubt. A great many, if not the greater part, of the Ritualist
Clergy are evidently Ladies who, having contrived to conceal their
sex, nave gone to Theological Training Colleges, got themselves or-
dained, and crept into the Church in disguise. Now, when they have
obtained curacies and livings, their irrepressible passion for finery
crops up. They bedizen themselves in all manner of gowns and petti-
coats under the name of ' ' vestments," and they decorate the Churches
in which they officiate, or have them decorated, in a style of orna-
mentation befitting only boudoirs or dressing-rooms. A Lincoln-
shire paper, itself apparently edited by a girl, reports under the
head of Claxby, in a sympathetic spirit, particulars of some recent
ecclesiastical adornments, of which the conception is evidently
feminine, or at any rate the product of a man-milliner's brain.
ME. WOKTH, perhaps, suggested some of the fal-lals under-
mentioned :
" SAINT MART'S CHDECH. We are pleased to hear that several handsome
offerings were made to this church, on Christmas Day, by parishioners, more
than a hundred of whom had shown their appreciation of the many privileges
they enjoy in this sacred edifice, devoting some portion of their substance to
provide the necessary adjuncts for the worship of the altar. The gifts, pre-
viously set apart to the use of the Church, consisted of a complete set of nicely
embroidered altar linen (the veils surrounded with Ince), a white silk veil and
burse, richly embroidered in gold ; a book-stand for the alter, a pair of vases,
n pair of vesper lights to hold six candles, these all being of polished brass."
All this reads exactly like the description of a lady's boudoir.
The altar with appurtenances such as " nicely embroidered linen,"
" veils surrounded with lace," a " white silk veil and burse richly
embroidered with gold," a " pair of vases," and " a pair of vesper
lights to hold six candles," must as nearly as possible resemble a
toilet-table. The vases may be taken to be meant to hold perfumes,
the six candles held in the pair of vesper lights to stand beside a
looking-glass, and the book-stand to support a fashion-book. Such
an altar can be imagined only as an altar of Venus, or but an altar
figuratively so called, an altar of Beauty, at which she sits and
worships herself. No male Cleric could possibly permit the altar at
which he serves to be tricked out in the fantastic manner above
specified. Altars. so tricked out, however, are now numerous; and
the Clergy who direct or permit their decoration may style them-
selves Priests, but are unquestionably Priestesses, every Reverend
Man Jack of them.
The " altar " at St. Mary's Church, Claxby, seems to have been
arrayed besides with trappings of which some may be pictured by
imagination as setting off a sort of doll or dummy. In continuation
of toe foregoing account of the habiliments and trimmings it is
garnished withal, we are told that
"A member of the guild presented a handsome white silk frontal for the
altar richly embroidered in gold and blue with stoles of the same. A glass
water cruet, having upon it the sacred monogram, and a prettily worked mat
for the fold-stool, were the offerings of another. . . . We need scarcely add
that the church, as usual at festivals, had been beautifully decorated. The
altar and reredos were clothed with the light of countless candles."
An altar described as clothed not only with " the light of count-
less candles," but also with a "frontal and "stoles" embroidered
in pretty colours, presents the confused idea of something not so
much like an altar as an image or effigy. Perhaps the altar that
has been clad in stoles will next be attired in skirts and a long
train, and the frontal it has now on will be supplemented with a
chignon. Anyhow we may be assured that all the clerical Persons,
with whose sanction or by whose arrangement altars have been put
into that attire, are qualified by gender to wear the like themselves.
Many people expect such ecclesiastics to show the cloven hoof. They
will never do that exactly, but it is more than probable that before
long one of them will put out from under fringes and flounces some-
thing like it a foot embellished with a fashionable high-heeled
fancy shoe. And perhaps the Court of Arches will soon be further
set at defiance by Clergywomen playing Priestesses, and, notwith-
standing inhibition and force of law, continuing to masquerade not
only in the Millinery they now wear themselves, bat insisting on
dressing up their Churches as gaily and gaudily as their persons.
SEASONABLE ADVICE TO PAKMEBS.
MAKE Hay in wet weather. Take opportunity to store water,
he midst of rain remember drought.
In
VOL. LXXII.
H
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1877.
A COMEDY ON BOTH SIDES.
THE Doctors gathered in the Sick Man's room,
To hold high Conference on the patient's cris : s,
As he lay in extremis under doom
From long decay, blood-poisoning, and phthisis.
Some hot Sangrados were for prompt blood-letting ;
Some milder spirits were for euthanasia ;
While others held the only hope was getting
The patient to a health-resort in Asia.
The Sick Man, a sly Reynard, though his mien
Was mild as say the breaat of a young Turkey-
Saw that his doctors' hands were aught hut clean,
Their diagnosis dark, their motives murky ;
So, springing up with unexpected powers.
And scattering pills and potions tar and wide,
" Throw physic to the dogs, ye dogs of Giaours !
I '11 none of it ! " the impatient patient cried.
" A fig for your strait- waistcoats ! Better spare
Drastics and tonics, or I '11 let you see
That I 've played ' Le Malade Imaginaire,'
As some of you ' Le Medecin Malgre Lui.' "
Lying Like Truth.
IN the first number of a new journal called Truth, was a paragraph
charging the house of LEWIS AND ALLENBY with " sounding the war-
pipe, and sending the fiery cross to their clansmen, whenever Miss
ELLEN or Miss MAEION TERBY appears in a new part," in other words,
with organising a claque to applaud these ladies. MB. A. J. LEWIS
writes, requesting Punch, as he has requested the. Times, Telegraph,
Daily News, and Standard, to say there is not a word of truth in
thejparagraph. He has called upon Truth to make public his denial.
In doing so, Truth, in effect, reiterates the false statement, though, in
terms, withdrawing the charge against MR. LEWIS in person. Jf this
be a sample of the utterances we are to expect from the new journal,
we shall nave to change the old proverb from " Truth lies in a Well-'
to " Truth lies in a Column."
HISTORICAL PABALLEL.
MBS. MALAPBOP declares that the courage of MB. TOOTH reminds
her of C^ESAB'S when he stepped over the Rubricon.
JANUARY 20, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
15
TOO CANDID BY HALF.
Visitor (to newly-married Frieiul). " I WAS ADMIRING TOUR LITTLK CARRIAGE,
MRS. McLucKiE, so "
Mrs. McLuckic. " OH, THE BROUGHAM 1 YES ; YOU 'VB no IDE*. WHAT A
COMFORT I FIND IT "
Mr. McLuckie. "Oo ATE! IT'S OBT HANPY I WE'VB Jisr JOBBIT TH CAB
FOR THE COORSE \VAT1IER ! ! "
SELFISH V. SHELLFISH.
DEAK MB. PUNCFI, Jan - 9 - ls77 -
AMONG our many wrongs there is one in par-
ticulara bitter grievance which hitherto we have
borne with tolerable patience, in the hope that either
from repletion, or shame, the opposite Sex would desist
from their monopoly of that costly luxury the Oyslrr.
They may be seen daily ranged in rows along the
counters whore these expensive bivalves are dispensed,
like beetles round a dish of treacle, gluttonously devour-
ing (regardless of cost), and depriving us of our home
share in the seductive shell-fish.
Now, do be kind enough. Mr. Punch, to persuade those
dear Oysters to give us an Atllorae," and invite us to the
feast, when, I am persuaded, their tender feelings would
readily induce them to make a voluntary sacrifice for
the Ladies, and to come down at least from three-and-
sixpence to half-a-crown the dozen.
With perfect confidence that you will take up our
cause, I remain, dear Mr. Punch,
Your Constant Reader, JCSTITIA.
WHAT THE FLOODS MIGHT HAVE WASHED
AWAY.
FIVE-SIXTHS of the Statues within the Two-Mile
Radius, with George the Fourth and the Duke of York's
Column at their head.
Most of the Music Halls.
The publishing offices of the Penny Dreadfuls, and
shops for the sale of robber and ruffian romances.
Two-thirds of the Gin Palaces.
The advertisement hoardings at every street corner.
A large per-centage of the Skating Kinks.
The shops of adulterating Tradesmen.
MR. GLADSTONE'S pens and inkstand, and all the
records of LOBD BEACONSFIELD'S recent speeches.
Exeter Hall, and all theatres without sufficient exits.
The more rotten part of the Stock Exchange.
Tuttersall's, and the card and billiard-rooms of certain
West End Clubs.
And last, but not least, Temple Bar, and three-fourths
of the Municipal monuments in London and the Provinces.
most Dailies.
THE UNEQUAL HATCH.
a weekly edition of the Times is stronger than
THE HOUSE AND THE HOME;
Or, Reckoning Without the Builders.
SCENE The Dining-Room in a house constructed upon Dr. Richard-
son's principles. Overhead (L) the Kitchen with I lift-communi-
cation to the lower floors. Overhead (R and c) the Roof Garden.
MR. inn! MRS. BROWN discovered patiently awaiting breakfast.
Mr. Brown. At last we reap the benefit of our outlay. At a very
moderate cost we are living in a flat.
Mrs. Brown. MR. FUNNIMAN said the builder was living on a tint ,
and he smiled when he said it. What did he mean, ALGERNON ?
Mr. Brown. Some sorry jest, unworthy of a moment's thought.
Nay, LAURA, believe me, a joke is no argument, and facts cannot be
blown away by epigrams. At a very moderate cost the worthy
STUCCO has run us up a house.
Mrs. Brown. And a bill. I saw the total, ALGERNON, and it was
enormous.
Mr. Brown. Health, my dear, is priceless, and with this bill we
hare purchased health. Our staircase is outside our dwelling rooms.
Mrs. Brown. But our staircase leaks.
Our lift
if broken crockery.
.., , j shameful, Mum!
This is the second time the lift has stopped suddenly, after coming
down with a run, and knocked me over. It 's always out of order.
Mr. Brown. Never mind, MARY. STUCCO shall be sent for to set
the lift to-rights. And now to breakfast. For the last three hours
the odours wafted down the left shaft from the kitchen have warned
me to expect something savoury.
Mary. But, please, all the things is spiled, Sir.
Mr. Brown. Then get some more.
Mary. Then, please, if you 'd ask Cook yourself, Sir. She 's in
an awful temper, and won't do a mortal thing for me. She says she
can't abear the kitchen ; that the wall leaks all round, and the son
makes the place too hot to hold her. She says she never worked in
a cock-loft before.
Mr. Brown. You must combat these idle prejudices, MARY. (An
awful noise without.) Good Heavens ! what 's that, I wonder ! Go,
MARY, and see what 's gone amiss. [Exit MARY.
Mrs. Brown. I am sure the children must have tumbled into the
street, from the conservatory on the roof.
Mr. Brown. I trust not. What a comfort it is that in this
" flat " system we can hear and smell everything. By the way, my
darling, do not order onions again, for the perfume hangs about the
place for hours, and even days. (Enter ERNEST.) Now, my eldest
son, how does the world treat you f
Ernest. Excellently well, for it has permitted me to commit a
series of crimes meriting the longest punishments. Father, I have
forged your name, robbed the bank in which I occupied a clerk's
desk, and committed bigamy.
Mrs. Brown (aghast). ERNEST ! My son ! Are you mad ?
Ernest. I never was more sane. 1 ather, Mother, I am two-and-
twenty, and can judge for myself. I have deliberately chosen the
path of crime.
Mr. Brown. Unhappy boy, who can save you ?
Ernest (pointing to police-officer, who enters, and arrests him).
This worthy representative of the law. Tell me, good constable,
how long shall I be imprisoned ?
Police- Officer. Well, Sir, it should be a lifer.
Ernest. Do not weep, Father. Nay, Mother, dry your eyes. Im-
prisonment in England means life. I should have died in these
imperfectly ventilated rooms. In a prison I shall live and thrive.
According to DR. RICHARDSON, our gaol is the most perfect of
dwelling-houses. Our model prisons contain the purest air, the
most equable temperature, the dryest and cleanest walls, the
16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1877.
cleanest floors and kitchens. Epidemic disease is under instant
control. Disease from exposure to extremes of atmospheric varia-
tion, from impure air (except by the grossest neglect), excess, or
want, from uncleanliness, personal or general, are out of the
question. In a word, the occupant of the modern prison-house is
subjected, practically, to none other than his acquired or inherited
diseases. On the whole, the prison population (in spite of mental
suffering) is healthy above all classes. In winter the gaol popula-
tion decreases in weight, in summer it increases, with a physiological
precision like the procession of the seasons. But it retains its health
so strikingly that, in some cases, as ME. EDWIN CHADWICK has
shown, its death-rate is actually reduced to 3 in 1000. Do you not
like the picture ?
Mr. Brown. Logical, but unhappy boy
(Terrific crash. Enter MABY, hurriedly.)
Mary. Please, Sir, the walls of the top flat have guv' way, and
the garden is a-coming into the kitchen, and Cook's unsensible
under a heap o' flower-pots I
(Scene closes in in more senses than one.)
ft"
MR. PUNCH'S CELEBRITES CHEZ EUX.
No. II. REYNOLDS DAUBSON, R.A., AT BAYSWATEB.
A CKOWD of carriages drawn
up before a quaint cot-
tage, taking one back,
somehow, to Florence,
Lucerne, and Boulogne.
The first, a magnificent
family chariot, with an
embroidered hammer-
cloth, gorgeous with ar-
morial bearings in the
first gloss of newness. A
carriage with a splendid
pair of 400-guinea step-
pers, flecked with foam on
neck and poitrail, under
the chafe of the bearing-
rein; the coachman with a
wig and bouquet, the
three footmen powdered.
Then a tiny brougham
quiet as a summer's eve
without crest or motto.
A little brougham to jump
into without an effort,
when its owner wishes to
preserve his incognito.
And yet this small ve-
hicle, with its humble
black body and blue-green
wheels, is as well known' to the West-End and the Lady's MUe as
the Lord Mayor's coach itself. In rear of the brougham a stanhope,
aglow with ormolu mouldipgs and bright green panels picked out with
mauve. These three carriages, that have been waiting patiently for
hours, have only recently become the property of REYNOLDS DAUB-
SON. At one time the great and fashionable artist was satisfied
with a twopenny omnibus. But that was many years ago, before
REYNOLDS DAUBSON wrote "R.A." after his name, and snubbed
Countesses. ;,
The story of the successful painter's rise is known to everybody
who knows anything. How he painted noble historical pictures
of the " Finding of the Body of Harold" for twenty 'years, without
attracting the least attention. How, weary year after year, those
magnificent compositions used to go into the Royal Academy in a
furniture van, and return to their native studio on the top of a
" growler." How REYNOLDS lost his Aunt, and came in for a legacy of
a few thousands. How he hit upon the notion of asking the Royal
Academicians en masse to a banquet. How three of them came.
How he feasted those three. How he laughed at their jokes. How
he praised their works. Then came the second, banquet, at which
all the Forty (urged by the Three) were present. And when the
President asked for another helping of the cheese souffle, everybody
knew that REYNOLDS'S fortune was made. Next year he was an
Associate ; a few months later an R.A. Now he is a recognised
power in society as in Art. Was not his ' 'Duchess of Rosemary Lane"
the talk of the past season ? And yet there are some who say that
his enthusiastically belauded " Duchess " cannot be compared for a
moment with the once despised " Harolds." They say, these critics,
that the blossoms of his neglected spring-tide were grander in
conception and nobler in treatment than the fruits of his ripe and
ready autumn. But nobody agrees with them, except the Man-
chester millionnaire who bought all those " Harolds," and has them
hanging up in a row in his palatial drawing-room. DAUHSON has
lived down opposition, and is resting, calmly and conscientiously,
amid the topmost boughs of the tree Yggdrasil, the world-tree of
Art, whose roots are in the nether slime, but whose summit strikes
the skies; while, between, nestle all manner of uncleanly crea-
tures picture-dealers and Art-critics the most hideous whose
mission it is to gnaw master-pieces out of the vitals of needy genius,
and to vex and narass the soul of the aspiring idealist.
Before entering the cottage, look at the two policemen on the
opposite side of the road. It is their function, no sinecure either, to
keep order among the string of coronetted carriages in waiting,
in rear of the three voitures de maitre. Strangers might imagine
that the great painter was giving a matinee musicale, but the
initiated know that the carriages belong to DAUBSON'S aristocratic
sitters. A third policeman stands on the door-step. It is his duty
to keep order among the titled crowds who struggle for entrance.
Half an hour ago his services were called in to quell a riot. To
rescue a leader of ton from being torn in pieces, was nothing for
the sub-inspector a civil officer, who thoroughly knows his duties
but to take two Duchesses into custody! Their Graces why
were they not three ? are at this moment enjoying the new
sensation of five-o'clock tea in the station-house.
Let us enter the cottage. The hall is rather low and small and
darkling the subtly-calculated preface of an exciting book but
cosy. Round the walls hang plateaux of blue and white china of
the Wang dynasty DAUBSON values no other and old English cups
and saucers of grotesque shape,. flaring colour, and priceless value.
The hat-stand is of ormolu. On its pegs hang two hats one very
old, one very new. If you glance into them, you will see the name
of DAUBSON, R.A., on the lining. He keeps the old one in memory
of his days of unaided struggle and blithe Bohemianism ; the new
one he wears on the rare occasions when he finds time for a drive in
the Park. From how many a lordly carriage coquettish Brough-
ham and aristocratic Alexandra his abstracted smile is courted all
the length of these drives so few and far between ! Look from the
lining of those hats to the crown, and you will see the name of
SMITH of llegent Street. He trusted the young painter for his first
hat, and now participates, as of right, in the golden showers, whose
spangled 'spray, to DAUBSON'S honour, reaches every tradesman that
showed him kindness in the days of his dwelling in Bohemia.
From every hole and corner look out upon you, with sightless
orbits, busts in marble and terra-cotta of the owner of this artistic
pied-d-terre.
Out of the hall open three passages. One leads to the dining-
room, dimly lighted through windows of bottle-bottoms below, of
small yellow-stained and flower-ornamented quarrelles (from the
Art-glass-works of BLUE AND BLACKLEDDEES) above. Round the
walls runs a high dado of ebony, crowned with a grey-green paper
sparingly sprinkled with withered chrysanthemums (from the Art-
Furniture works of MOROSE AND MAKEBELIEVE). At one end a
towering buffet of black oak lined with green velvet, and laden
with massive antique gold and silver plate, now glittering, now
glooming, in a Rembrandtesque play of light and shadow. Above
the dado, in every coign of vantage, are disposed Delft and Dresden,
Faience of Rouen and Nevers, Rhodian plates and Etruscan vases.
The history of the Keramic art is before you, teaching if somewhat
disjointedly by examples.
The second passage conducts to the basement^ story, with the
offices and apartments of the valetaille. The butler s pantry is
roomy and comfortable, with very cosy easy chairs; the kitchen
small, but with an admirably devised batterie de cuisine (from the
atelier of SMUDGE AND GEIMSBY), embracing all the latest im-
provements.
The third passage communicates with a gallery, carpeted with lion-
skins, giving direct access to the studio. A heavy portiere of
Venetian cut velvet masks the entrance. Lift it with a reverent
hand, and pause on the 'threshold of the sanctuary!
A room of vast height and stately proportions. The walls and
roof studded with quaintly-shaped windows and skylights, adjusted
to suit the various exigences of illumination according to the hour
and the season. Men in armour in all directions. The great
painter is popular in the City ; and these splendid suits of plate and
mail are the gifts of successive Lord Mayors, who know and humour
his tastes. Gobelins and old Flemish tapestry wherever it will
hang; lay figures, strangely draped and* costumed, imperfectly
hidden behind gigantic Japanese screens. Here and there a horse
patiently waiting to be painted. In an outer gallery, entered. from
the studio by an arcade, some score of girl-models slight, pale,
golden-haired, all with the Camelot chin reading novels. These pale,
sweet women, in their clinging draperies, form a strange yet sedui-
sant background to the pele-mele of statues, tropical plants, musical
instruments, Florentine terra-cottas, classical marbles, old arms,
blue china, and Japanese curios which fill the studio. Radiating
from the centre of the room, round a pile of gigantic and full-
flushed azaleas and gardenias, whose_tropic perfume lies faint upon
JANUARY 20, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
the uir, dill'using a voluptuous languor, arc some dozen richly-
carpeted platforms, each with its gut chair. On these chairs, in
patient expectation, wait the litters of the day : here, a peer in
his coronet and robes ; there, an M.F.H. in his tops and pink ;
yonder, a Captain and Lieutenant-Colonel of the Guards in It >,',-
uniform. The fair sex, too, is well represented by the leading
belles of tin- In <ui-iii<nt<l<-, their natural loveliness enhanced by the
charm of Wuiiru's most tasteful costumes fur the morning boudoir,
the Park promenade, or the evening belle atte.tnblee . All are posed
for the painter. Before each stand is an easel with iU canvas, and,
beside it, the palctto ready set upon the carved bahut. The sitters
sit motionless as figures at MADAMK TussAUD'g, but each face is
flushed with strained yet severely repressed expectation. They
await their Master !
Suddenly the tupestry shakes is drawn. The sitters put on their
most amiable and. altable expressions, as through a secret door
appears a burly yet refined-looking man 'of some six and thirty or.
by'r Lady, forty with immense red whiskers and a shock head of
whitey-brown hair. He has fierce, leonine blue eyes, deep set under
a gnarled brow, and a red scar runs from the right corner of his left
eye obliquely to the root of his nose. Ask him of that gear, some
day, and perhaps, if the Clicquot has done its work, he will tell you a
tale that nag blanched many a fair cheek, and added all the more
charm to that fascinating if rough and reckless face. He wears a
doublet and knickerbockers of yellow velvet, with pink silk
stockings. On his massive yet delicate fingers are diamond rings,
whose brilliance defies the curiosity that would count them. Such
is the simple though costly suit in which KKYMH.JIS DAUIISOX, R.A.,
always appears before his distinguished and dainty clientele.
"My Lords, Ladies, Honourables, and Eight Honourables," he
exclaims, in a voice short, sharp, and taccadf, " 1 cannot give you a
sitting to-day I have other fish to fry ! "
There is a loud murmur of consternation. The Great Artist turns
fiercely and points to the door. It will not do. The sitteri have
fought hard for their places ; they have been waiting for hours ;
they are naturally dissatisfied. Not one stirs. With a scornful
smile the Great Artist points his hand towards the vestibule, and in
a twinkling the bevy of fair women with the Camelot chins, flinging
down their novels, are ousting from their chairs Dukes and
Duchesses, Peers and Peeresses, Statesmen and Soldiers, and posing
in their places.
During this brief but stirring scene DAUBSON has been wheeling
out a small deal table, with a range of compartments divided by
wooden partitions, a lump of distemper colour in each, and in the
centre a pot of smoking size. How is this? This is a scene-
painter's palette ? Even so. Dashing aside the tapestry, DAUBSON
reveals to us a huge canvas on a frame stretching ^from roof to
floor ; and worked up and down by a powerful winch. These pale,
Eission-fraught models are not to figure in a composition for the
oyal Academy Exhibition. In one of those freaks so charac-
teristic of his daring but erratic genius, DACBSON is working to-day
at the Transformation Scene for a provincial Pantomime !
Such is his good pleasure. Le Roi de VArt le reutainti soit-il.
In this way DAUBSOS'S genius gradually infiltrates the provinces.
He is a true populariser of the beautiful. These nymphs and houris,
these Elaines and Enids, who are now being transferred from pale
and passionate flesh and blood to distemper and canvas, will live
again in glowing reality, suspended against blue depths of air from
the flies, or grouped voluptuously amid the corals and zoophytes of
a fantastic ocean-world. DAUBSON only designs the scene. It will
be for more common-place creatures to realise it.
Now let us withdraw on tiptoe, and leave the Great Creature in
Fairyland. To-day for Dreams. To-morrow for Duchesses !
The Phoenigsa Venatica.
{Definition of a rare Species.}
ONE who brooks no refusal, and refuses no brook ; who can draw
a cover, or sketch a run ; is never to he seen in bad form, but
always in the nicest habit ; is usually found in the first flight, and
never cranes at the last drop ; steady in the field, as she is yielding
in the drawing-room.
[Yoicks! tally-ho! Could M.F.H. Punch but find the little
vixen, and get her out of cover ! Wouldn't he be first in the field
after her, and never draw rein till he had secured her pretty pads for
his own, and had her soft muzzlt at his mercy !]
Dens A Tooth.
(A Theological Authority in the Church of Romenot of England.)
IF your Ritual eggs at home
Get addled, from that risk snatch 'em,
As you cannot bring Hatcham to Rome,
By going to Rome to hatch 'em.
HEAVY WET.
UB II KT KM UK It
RAINFALL. MK.
(II..MKHEK itatci
in tint (iardtntrt
I l:i:i>,iclt that the
fall of rain
during the month
of Deci-mbiT *'"*
!> !)2 inches, and
that there u no in-
stance unco IHl.j.
when the fall in
that month wai K>
large."
5-92 ! ! !
And still the wet
is going it like
winking !
Turn off the tap,
good Jupiter
1'luuus, do .'
As water rises,
spirits (thanks
to you)
Are sinking.
By Jove, no.
| , bother Jove !
By old Deuca-
lion,
Would I were fish, a water-proof and scaly 'un.
If no stop 's put to this perpetual flood,
Man must lapse back again to primal mud,
And earth, as climax of vagaries various,
lie turned to an aquarium by Aquarius.
I "d fain ask DAUWIN how much more of this
Which to the fishes only could be bliss
I must endure, before I shall begin
To sprout a fin.
That Weather Clerk's accounts are in a muddle,
Eugh ! Gr-r-r ! Another puddle !
That makes the tenth I 've plumbed with sudden splash.
Whoof ! What a blast ! Another rib gone smash !
SANQSTEE aroint thee ! I '11 put no more trust
In Paragon frames that will not stand a gust.
Hi ! Hansom ! No ! the shining Jehu deigns
No answer save a sulky shake of reins ;
Cabdom is an Autocracy tempered not
Even by tips. I 've got
Before me a tempestuous two-mile tramp,
And then must greet AMANDA, dank ana damp,
And with a shattered Gamp,
Like Hylas, or Leander from the flood :
But then they were not splashed with London mud.
Had they worn Ulsters, or required a gingham,
I 'in sure nor bard would sing em,
Nor Beauty beam upon them. Why can't Science
Hit upon some expedient or appliance
To fit Man to this prseter-pluvial period ?
That sounds a query odd,
But my inquiry 's earnest, not ironic ;
Since Heaven's hydropsy seems becoming chronic,
I am persuaded it will soon be found
Man must be made amphibious, or be drowned.
The Hyades have it all their own wet way,
Tristes, indeed, to-day!
And hah! by Jove ! An empty " Growler "! Hi!
'Tis infra dig. tut dry !
Strange as True.
A LADY Member of the School-Board Mus. Bran has lately
administered a not undeserved rebuke to her Brother-Members for
"fluent verbosity." This is a sur-charge which the male Members
of the Board can t resist, and should at once get rid of. But that it
should have been left to a Lady to make it, and that not a man
could rise either to retort the charge or to deny it ! One indignant
male Member of the Board writes to point out that as the Lady
answers to " STJ&B," not Madam, she must be a Man in disguise 1
ANAGRAM FOB THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND.
THE RKVEEEXD ABTHUR TOOTH
Not the road to her Truth.
18
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1877.
' COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS."
The Major (rocking Nelly onliisknee,for Aunt Mary's sake), "I SUPPOSE THIS is WHAT YOU LIKK, NELLY?"
Nelly. " YES, IT'S VERY MICE. BUT I KOBE ON A REAL DONKEY YESTERDAY I MKA.V ONE WITH FOUR LEGS, YOU KNOW."
A STRIKE IN THE BRIEF BUSINESS.
ACCORDING to the Carlisle Patriot, Ministers have been, tempo-
rarily at least, defeated in an attempt to effect what Conservatives
will applaud as a large economy in contrast with the small cheese-
parings practised by the bite Government. In consideration of the
rising prices of provisions, and most other things, the Treasury
announced, at the Carlisle Quarter Sessions, through ME. NANSON,
Clerk of the Peace, that they would in future allow Counsel only
one guinea a brief, instead of two guineas as theretofore. The
consequence was
" The Barristers declined to take the reduced fee, and there was nothing
left to be done save for the attorneys to place the briefs in the hands of the
Court, and let it deal with the matter as it thought best. Accordingly, when
the Deputy-Recorder (MR. LEOFKIC TEMPLE, Q.C.) had concluded his charge
to the grand jury, ME. WANNOP banded in a brief marked ' one guinea,' at
the same time saying that there was a strike among the Barristers, who would
not accept the briefs at the fee allowed. MK. NANSON said the matter had
been brought before the Deputy-Recorder, who had arranged to pay the two
guineas on this occasion. MR. WANNOP ' Then I may mark the briefs two
guineas ? ' ' 5Tes.' Shortly after this announcement the Barristers came into
Court, and the threatened Block was averted "
by MB. NANSON'S generous act of self-sacrifice. No doubt that
Gentleman undertook the responsibility of the additional guineas for
which the Treasury may or may not reimburse him. But what will
be the consequence of the adoption by the higher branch of the
legal profession of Trades Unionism both in principle and practice '?
A system of picketing may shortly be established in connection with
Sessions and Assize Courts for the purpose of intimidating and
molesting Barristers who dare to accept a reduced scale of fees.
Gentlemen of the Bar will ratten forensic knobsticks, by carrying
off their briefs and books, or hiding their gowns and wigs. Barristers
may even, by-and-by, blow Barristers up, after the manner of Sheffield
sawgrinders who knows P Such are the deplorable consequences
which may be expected to follow from perseverance on the part of
Her Majesty's Government in the attempt to cheapen the price of
legal labour ; the present remuneration of which is far too Liberal
in the estimation of Conservative Statesmen.
"A PLAGUE 0' BOTH YOUR HOUSES!"
SAYS Turcophobe to Turcophile,
"The Ottoman is full of guile."
Says Turcophile to Turcophobe,
" Muscovite treachery who can probe ? "
Says Russophobe, " The Turk 's a Saint ;
The Russ a devil, minus paint."
Says Russophile, " The Russ means right ;
The Turk is anti-human quite."
Says Mr. Punch, " Twin cackling geese,
'Tis time your rival row should cease.
Reason, not rabies, Sense, not spite,
'Midst clashing wrongs must 'stablish right.
Shut up, and leave the two to work
In strong, skilled hands, 'twixt Russ and Turk."
The Classic God of Cookery.
THE Great Pan. His sacred rites were celebrated in the Isles of
Greece. His English High-priest is now MB. BTOKMASTEE. We
are glad to hear that even the Parsons are becoming his ministers,
and mean to have his rites instituted in the national school-rooms.
Two of a Trade.
TOOLE in his Gaiety, TOOTH in his Gravity,
The Town to amuse at this time of depression,
Though with different art, both play the same part,
In the Strand, and at Hatcham The Man in Possession.
THE BEST VACCINE-HATEES. The Keighley Guardians.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. JANUARY 20, 1877.
SVAI
THE CONFIDENCE TRICK."
JONATHAN. " GUESS I 'VE COME INTO A DEAL 0' MONEY LATELY UNDER AN AWARD, AND I DXHTT"
KNOW WHAT TO DU WITH IT ALL ! SO, JEST TO SHOW MY CONFIDENCE IN YEW, I WAS CALKILAT1V TO-
TOTE YEW OVER A COUPLE 0' MILLIONS Ml" rr
[JOHN BULL fancies he has read of this sort of thing in the Police Report*.
JANUARY fO, 1877.]
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
WHAT'S THE ODDS?
OB, THE DUMB JOCKEY OF JEDDINOTON.
A OKXUIHB SPOHTlltO KOTXL BT
MAJOR JAWLEV SHARP,
Author of " Squeezing Langfi.ri/," " Two Kicki," $c.,
CHAPTER THE LAST.
s CODICIL has been found to
/ old SIR THOMAS'S will,"
V said MR. GRA/IN LANE,
" which alters the fore-
oing conditions. SIR
iioMAS is to retain the
estates for ever, on the
understanding that he
loses Two Derbys together
his horse coming in last
which has been done
and that he WINS THE
THIRD, the others being
nowhere which also has
been done."
LAWYER FEHBET could
not speak for several
seconds.
" Moka," said STRING-
HALT, " is not dead.
BILLY!"
Thus summoned, WILLIAM BUTTON advanced to the middle of the pourse, and
cried,
" Hi ! here 's a policeman coming ! "
Whereupon, Moka rose quickly, kicked out at the prostrate form of the
Hon ble PULLMAN, and galloped off.
Along the course, with deadly precision, advanced the whole corps of the
Royal Welshers.
Then the two hundred Bookmakers, ruined utterly, rushed forward,
with a terrific yell, to wreak their vengeance on LAWYER FERKET and the
Hon ble PULLMAN.
LAWYER FKBHET and the Hon blt PULLMAN "went for" over tw9 million,
but neither of them got it, except from the two hundred infuriated Book-
makers, and then they got it hot.
These pitiless savages knew they had to do with men of straw.
*******
It was a fearful sceae.
*******
The Hon blc PULLMAN CABS contrived to get by the Midland line to Liverpool.
Thence he went to America.
LAWYER FERBET escaped in the darkness of the black night, and, unable to
procure a cab, managed, with a Solicitor's keen experience, to convey himself to
London. Only his confidential clerk could have recognised the crafty Lawyer,
as he arrived by appointment at the entrance to the Zoological Gardens (his
shortest and most secluded route to the Metropolis), drawing up his own con-
veyance. Eluding the vigilance of the turnstile-man, and the watchfulness of
the Keeper of the Seals, LAWYER FERRET crept up to the Tank House fol-
lowed by his clerk.
The worst man in the world has some one to care for him. LAWYER
FEUHKT wept. The Clerk having been a copying clerk in his youth, was,
from the force of early training, compelled to imitate him. Then the
Lawyer, placing his hand on the Seal, which had come
out expecting something to eat, murmured in a low
voice, I deliver this as my act and deed."
But there was no time for further parley ; the two hun-
dred ruined Bookmakers were on the wretched man's
track.
LAWYER FERRKT pulled from his pocket a draught.
It was one of his own drawing, and he knew beforehand
its deadly effect. He bade the Clerk give it to him
slowly. The Clerk obeyed, and gradually, slowly but
surely, LAWYEU FKRRKT went on until he had taken
down the entire draught.
Then the Clerk left him ; for he knew the end had
come, at last.
*****
l.uii- Di BKITKLEIOH and MRS. ASUOOD AZAMYLE
went abroad together. From Naples they ascended Ve-
suvius and arrived at the crater, where, unhappily, tin y
fell in with two young men, whose names the news-
papers, in recording the sad event, failed to make public.
The KTUIXUUALTS are comfortably settled at Jed-
(lin.i:ton. and MB. WILLIAM BUTTON has something good
for the Three Thousand next year. We believe it is
Little Pitcher out of Moka by Neddy.
"We call her Little Pitcher," said MR. BUTTON, "on
account of her long ears."
" I had only; been purtendin'," said CAVASSOIT, when
asked to explain how it was that he had contrived to
speak. It was by this artful plan' he had managed
to circumvent his master's enemies.
*****
As for G CSSY GANDAR, of course within a few days she
became the bride of SIR THOMAS DODD.
" As long as you 're happy." murmured LADY GUSSY
" What*i the Odds f ' f said SIE THOMAS, completing
the sentence, as they sat at the wedding-breakfast, on
which occasion the great speech of the eventful day was
made by CAVASSON, who having recovered his speech.
now made it at great length, until he was interrupted.
by three hearty cheers for the Dumb Jockey of Jed-
dingtoH .
END OF THE SPORTING NOVEL.
To THE PUBLIC.
Explanatory Note, by the Editor.
WE owe it to our readers. Unfortunately, the last Chapters
of the Novel were in print before we were able to return to town
and prevent their publication. We saw through it at the
commencement, at least we mistrusted it as a Sporting Novel,
and had we been only a little leas diffident, we should never
have permitted the intelligence of our readers to be insulted by
having this work foisted upon them as a genuine Sporting Novel
by a true Sportsman.
We hare been grossly deceived. We admit it. But never
again. There u no tueh pertou a* MAJOR JAWLBV SHARP !
We never met him at a friend's house; no conversation ever
took place between us; he is totally unknown to CAPTAIN
HAWLBY SMART, whose Novel, Mound to Win, in Bell's Life,
is, though in different vein, not a whit behind his other suc-
cesses in Courttkip, Two Kitset, &c., and in fact, the whole
affair is a swindle from beginning to end. Unfortunately, we
have only just discovered it ; not, however, without consider-
able trouble, and at great personal inconvenience. The pre-
tended Major had invited us down to " It'iyus Park, near
Jloshey," the Station for which place he said was Ware. A
friend of his perhaps the Impostor himself in this character
called at our otfice, and, after telling us that we were expected
the next day at Bogus Park, where our room was prepared,
where there was a quiet hone at our disposal, and the best of
everything awaiting our arrival, he received from us a hand-
some cheque (luckily, on account), for which he said he was
authorised to give a receipt on behalf of his friend MAJOR J. S..
who could not come up to town, it being a hunting day, ana
Bogus Park being full of visitors. He departed, and the next
da; we started for Ware, intending to arrive at Bogus in time
for dinner. On descending at the Station, there was BO carriage
to meet UK, but a boy stepped forward on hearing our question
put to the Station-Master as to the whereabouts of Bogus Park,
and delivered a letter in the Major's handwriting. It apolo-
gised for not sending a carriage, but begged us to take a fly, at
his txpetut, and tell the man to drive straight to the Houst, a
distance of about six miles, when, to prevent any contrtttmfi,
he (MAJOR }. S.) would send to met us at the Cross Koads.
"And." added a P.8., "don't forget our dinner-hour it 7'30
sharp. We gave the boy sixpence, who immediately disap-
peared, and a fly having been found, we stowed away oar luggage
(two portmanteaus, a carpet-bag, a hat box, and rugs), and started
22
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1877.
JUL
KISSING GOES BY CLASSES.
Guard (to Old Lady taking leave of her Daughters). "Now, THEN, M'UM, JUMP IN IF TOT; "BE COIN'.
'F YOU WAHT TO KlSS, YOU MUST GO BY A PARLIAMENTARY ! "
THIS AIN'T A KISSIN' TRAIN I
irk, which the Flyman said he thought he knew, tat wasn't
; that, " Anyhow, if the Gentleman "s agoing to meet us at the
uXnllt oiv Tnllaa ffnm linl-n tliof '11 Ko nil viffllt aa T tjtlnlf T I'nnilr
for Bogus Park
mre ; adding th , , _
Cross Roads, about six miles from here, that '11 be all right, as I think I know
which cross roads he meant." It was by this time six o'clock, but there was
an hour and a half to dinner, and though it was a trifle colder than in town,
and the rain was beginning to come down pretty heavily, yet, at all events,
there was a cheerful room to look forward to in an old country mansion, a
hearty welcome from a hospitable Squire, the best of everything, a brilliant
party, and dinner at 7'30 sharp.
Thus meditating, we fell into a dreamy doze, then into a pleasant slumber.
We were awoke by a sudden stoppage. It was dark. The wind was howling.
The rain was beating against the windows and sides of the fly. The driver,
shivering and drenched, opened the door, thereby admitting a hurricane and
a shower, and said, " 'Ere 's the Cross Beads, Sir, out I don't see nobody."
" We must wait," we said, cheerily. " No doubt we are a little before our
time." Our watch marked 7'30 exactly. We had slumbered for an hour and
a half. " You "ve been a long time," we said, reproachfully, to the Flyman.
" Very had roads this time o' year," he replied.
We waited. Seven forty-five ! The Major had told me, in his letter, that
dinner was at " 7'30 sharp." Evidently, he had got tired of waiting for us,
and had gone home to dinner. Too bad of him, or too bad of the Flyman for
being so long over the journey. There was nothing for it but to drive on.
" As no one is coming, we said, still cheerily, so as to keepthe Flyman in a
good temper, " you had better drive on to Bogus Park." "Which direction's
that in, Sir?" asked the Flyman. "Why," we returned, "don't you
know ? It's MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP'S house MAJOR JAWLBY SHARP, the
great Sporting Novelist, the Country Squire ; he has a house full of compai
he hunts regularly. Why, hang it ! " we said, being a trifle exasperated
the blank, puzzled expression of his countenance, " you must know where
MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP lives I " " No, blessed if I do," he replied, empha-
tically. " I ' ve lived in these parts, man and boy, for a matter of thirty year or
more, nd never heard tell o' such a name, or o such a place as Bogus Park."
There was a pause. We reflected on bucolic ignorance ; we debated within
ourselves by what means we could bring the Major and his mansion to this
rustic's memory. The Flyman's eye winked. He leered at us! Aha! he
knew: we felt he knew at last. The Flyman spoke. "I say," he observed,
cunningly, " You 're a playing your tricks on me! But it won't do. I knows
one as good as two o' that ! "
This was irritating. We put it to his common sense, " What on earth
could be the fun to ut of driving about Hertfordshire, hungry and tired, in
the wind and rain, for the sake of playing a practical joke on an unknown
lyman .' " He listened to reason, and presently it occurred to him that he
did know a place answering the description we gave of what we supposed
Bogus Park to be like, about five miles olf. To this place we drove. It was
line o'clock before we arrived. After some delay at the Lodge, we were
nformed that no one of the name of MAJOR SHARP lived there, or was
mown in those parts. The old gatekeeper thought she had heard the name,
some years ago, when she lived with her Aunt on Goose Green, the other side
of the county. Her little boy suddenly remembered that there was a Major
Something who hunted, and lived in a Park, about seven miles off. This
was a gleam of light. Having rewarded the boy wilh sixpence, we drove on.
Twice we lost our way. It could be hardly called " losing our way," as we
re in utter ignorance of the locality, and the Flyman knew very little about
.his part of the country." By dint of climbing up signposts, with a car-
riage-lamp in his hand (which, fortunately, he was able to light), and reading
the directions, we managed to make some progress northwards. For miles
and miles we drove, but no sign of any big house could we see. Parks there
were, indeed, but no Lodges visible, and no gates. The roads were rough,
sloshy, stodgy, and, in many parts, evidently only used by the heaviest carts.
At last, the driver took a wrong turning, went bumping and stumbling
down a narrow lane, and, finally, the weary horse stuck fast in the heaviest
clay soil. On each side was a flooded ditch ; in front was a gate leading into
a field. The rain was pelting worse than ever. The Flyman hadn't the
smallest notion of where he'd got to. Then, for the first time, we began
to lift up our voice, and bless MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP. And, all the while,
we knew that the last chapters of his idiotic Sporting Novel were being set
up in type, and we should be unable to get back in time to prevent its
publication. Cold, hungry, wet, miserable not so wet as the Flyman,
though we asked what could be done? The Flyman suggested that he
should take the lamp, go through the gate, enter the plantation, and walk
till he found some Keeper's lodge, where he could make inquiries. To this
wo assented. He disappeared, leaving us in the lane, in charge of the fly and
horse, and one lamp. For an hour we awaited his return. He did not return.
It was nearly twelve before we decided that the only course was to turn the
fly round, and drive back into the road. We began trying this. The lamp
went out. The horse wouldn't do what we wanted. We coaxed, pulled",
struggled, and were in a perspiration of despair. The horse was dead beat, and
stumbled. In another second the fly gave a lurch, and was over luggage and all
into the ditch. While we were executing a sort of clog-dance in the stodgy
slosh, wasting our strength in vain endeavours to find our hat and umbrella, the
bell of (apparently) a distant cathedral boomed over the marshes. Midnight !
JANUARY 20, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
AT THE COUNTY CATTLE AND DOG-SHOW.
" that repose
Which stamps the caste of VEKB DE VERB."
" HAW BY THE BYE A LADY MAWIAH, I DON'T SEE YOUR SIBTAHS LADY WACHEL AND LADY
FWEDEWICA ? "
" THEY 'RE GONE TO THE Doss, SIR WOBKRT."
" HAW ! So SAWWY ! ! "
SUNDAY RECREATION.
MISTER PUWCH,
X0B, I be a laborin
man as lives far away from
the great Zity, but I loikes to
reaa a peaper now and then,
and knaw what ' a goin on up
theer. And I say, Zur, them
there Rittallists have a done
one good bit o' wark, whare
they will ever do another, re-
mains to be zeed.
To think that while the big
wigs are a quarrelling among
theirselves, and one zays. the
Museums and sich places
qnghter be open of a Zunday
for the laborin man to enjoy
hisself rational t'other one he
zays, 'taint right to have them
thar places open of a Zunday.
But the Rittallist, he goes
and purvides a first rate open
air entertainment for the
workin man, free gratis for
nothing as you med say and
a prime entertainment it air
I fancy, from what I read in
the peaper today 5000 folks,
all a shoutin, and a sinftin God
save the Queen, No Popery,
an other free an easy songs
an then for a little light an
wholesome exercise, jest
enough to make 'em enjoy
their dinner, there 's a barrer-
cade for 'em to pull down,
and a nice lot o" perlice men
to chaff. Why the Museums,
if so be as they opened 'em of
a Zunday, wouldn't be nothin
to this.
I war glad to zee they
didn't lay hands on the
passon though for I never
could abear to zee women
and poor helpless critters
urted and I reckon he be a
weak sort of a specimen!, so
they was right to let un go
home to 's dinner in pace,
poor dear.
_0ping no offence, Zur, and
wishin you a appy New Year
an many on em, I be yours to
command
TOMMY NOAJCES.
STARTLING RAILWAY ACCI-
DENT. A punctual Train.
We were laid up in the luu at Ware all next day. The Flyman turned up
in the afternoon. The luggage arrived by instalments, finishing with a shape-
less something, which had once been our new hat. The Flyman explained
that whin he had entered the plantation, he had been captured as a poacher,
and locked up. The expenses of that night, including damages to horse and
lly, wi'iv enormous. Prostrated by a severe cold, and unable to move, we
searched county guides, read the history of Hertfordshire, and examined
intelligent natives. No information whatever about Bogus Park : no one had
ever heard of such a place, or such a person as MAJOR JAWLEY SHARP.
And on the previous day we had sent him a cheque by his friend !
* '
Arrived in town. Letter from MAJOR J. S. :
Hear Eddy , Afraid you must have had a rough time of it. Soyas Park looks
veil at night, doesn't it f The Quiet Horse I'd got for you, I leave for you
HERE at the Office as a mark of my esteem. Don't ride it too hard in
Rotten Row. Cheque cashed all right. Adoo! Adoo ! Yours ever, J. S.
P.S.You won't want another Sporting Novel in a hurry, will you f Eh,
Slyboots f
We went down-stairs. Where was the Quiet Horse ?
No one knew anything about such an animal. The brave Commissionnaire
at our front office door, suddenly remembered that a man had called yesterday,
from a second-hand furniture shop, and, on receiving half-a-crown, on our
account, in our absence, from our head-clerk, had left a common painted deal
towel-horse ! Tied to it was an envelope, on which was written, in the
Major's hand
" The quietest horse out. I told you to. If I'm JAWLEY SHARP, you art
JAWLBY GREEN."
***
There was also a note from CAPTAIN HAWLBY SMART, Author of Bound to
Win, now running in Bell's Life. We place it before our readers :
Dear Sir, / have not the smallest idea who the personcalling himselfi&MO3L
JAWLEY SHARP is. I do not know him. I have never heard of him. From
his Novel (?) I learn that he is grossly and stupendously ignorant of all
matters connected with Sport. Whenever and wherever I meet him, I shall
give him precious good cause to remember the impression made on him by
Yours sincerely, H. S.
This settles it. The Detectives are engaged. We fancy the Major is not
unknown to the Impostor who, some time ago, pretended to accompany
H.R.H. the Prince during his Indian tour, and sent us letters from " YOUR
REPRESENTATIVE IN INDIA." If so, we think we can put our hand on both
at once. Nous verrons .' It flashes across us suddenly as an idea that the
boy who appeared at the Ware Station, with a letter from the arch-impostor,
and to whom we gave sixpence, was the very boy whom long ago we entrusted
with half a sovereign to go out and buy an Anglo-Indian Dictionary and who
never returned. If so, he has become one of this gang of swindlers. He may
yet be reclaimed, if we can only catch him. ED.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKL
[JANUARY 20, 1877.
"WHAT'S DOING AT THE THEATRES?"
F all the hits in the
Drury Lane Pantomime
this Christmas the hit
has undoubtedly been
the Donkey. The
talented person inside
the asinine frame will
be hereafter as distin-
guished a character as
was the clever repre-
sentative of the Turtle,
in Babil and Bijou,
who received the sobri-
quet of "TUETLE
JONES," to distinguish
him from every other
JONES.
At Covent Garden
Robinson Crusoe is a
bright spectacle, with
plenty of practical
comic business between
Robinson, Friday, Fri-
day's father, and the
highly-trained animals
.n the hut. The musical
portion is good throughout. Capital Pantomime for children ; and
this, after all, is the great point. They don't care how long it is.
But the hit of the day literally of the day, for it is only per-
formed in the afternoon is the Pantomimeat the Adelphi, played
by children. The Pantaloon seems to be a very old man for his
age, which, we believe, is something under twelve.
The glittering, gorgeousness, and zoological variety of the grand
"Conference Scene" in Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver rolled into
one by the MESSES. SANGERS, surpasses all previous efforts of that
enterprising management.
Then at the Crystal Palace, among much else that is pretty and
ingenious in Sinbad the Sailor, there is a Harem Scene, with the
most graceful bit of ballet a dance of Odalisques draped from head
to foot in snowy muslin that Punch has seen for a long time. I
shows how much more charming ladies of the ballet look in long
clothes than in short ones. The Transformation Scene here, on the
classic fable of Narcissus and Echo, is a masterpiece of mechanical
ingenuity as well as scenic effect.
The Extravaganza-burlesque at the Globe gives us a mixture of
old and new styles, being a revival of ME. PLANCHE'S graceful
Invisible Prince, with modern tunes. The chorus to the old air,
" Hark .' 'tis the Indian Drum ! " is most effectively rendered, and
deservedly encored. Miss JENNY LEE, as the Invisible Prince, is
quite a Prince Charming, and being invisible, ought to be seen to
be appreciated. She is ably seconded by Miss RACHEL SANGER and
ME. GEORGE BAEEETT.
How they pack that crowd into the pit and gallery of the
Strand, is a marvel ! and what shouts from every part of the
house at ME. JOHN S. CLABKE'S inimitable drunken scene in
The Toadies, which, it is worth knowing, comes on about nine
o'clock. His " business " with the pipe and the candle is im-
mense. As for the Burlesque, the scene of The Lying Dutchman
is where ME. MABIUS and ME. TAYLOB go through an acrobatic
performance on a trapeze. Miss LOTTIE VENN and ME. HARRY Cox
are invaluable in burlesque, and they make the most of what they
have to do. MR. HALL s Scenery in both pieces, especially the old
country town in The Toadies, and the view of Margate in the Bur-
lesque, are two of the most effective "sets" we have seen for a
long time. The scenery of late at the Strand has been unusually
good, notably in the late lamented Princess Toto.
Of the Danischeffs at the St. James's, William Tell at the Gaiety,
Jocko at the Princess's, and a few other novelties, we are in a
position to speak with the strictest impartiality, not having yet seen
any one of them. Of course it will be a Christmastide duty to visit
MR. CONQUEST at the Grecian.
Some years ago we had the pleasure of seeing a piece at the
Vaudeville, played by MESSRS. JAMES and THORNE, entitled Our
Boys. These Boys wonderful life preservers are still floating, as
buoyantly as ever. They will become one of our National Institu-
tions, ana friends from the country will come up to Town to see St.
Paul s, Westminster Abbey, Madame Tussaud's, Gog and Magog,
and Our Boys. Temple Bar will be a thing of the past, new streets
will have been built, the Royal Family will be residing in a palace
built on the site of the old Westminster Aquarium (so as to be near
the Abbey for service on Sunday), Turkey will have been reformed, the
Thames embanked from one end to the other, and our grandchildren
will be enjoying Our Boys, then at the height of its popularity.
PUNCH'S PATENT MEDICINE COLUMN.
TTEALTH WITHOUT PHYSIC 1
PUNCH'S DELICIOUS SEVENTY-FIRST VOLUME.
T
HIRTY-SIX YEARS' CONTINUED SUCCESS !
SAVES Fifty Times its Cost in Tonics. Revives Appetite ; rehardens
Softening Brains ; supplies the feeblest Joker with stamina ; and
restores the most inveterate Punster to reason.
PUNCH'S CHARIVARENTA BRITANNICA.
(Seinff a few out of many Millions of Similar Testimonials.)
DEAE SIB,
TWENTY-FIVE years' gradual softening of the brain, first
caught from my poor husband whose own mental decay was
brought on by his abandonment of himself to the destructive
practice of playing upon words had almost reduced my faculties
to the level of his, when a valued friend recommended me to take in
Punch. I did so, and have since lived chiefly on your invigorating
weekly issue. The effect on myself was so marked and immediate,
that I induced my unfortunate husband to try the same remedy.
In a week the fits of punning, from incessant, became intermittent,
and after a month's use of your elixir, ceased altogether. He has
not since that time had any return of the attacks, while I am my-
self quite restored to my former vigour of body and mind.
I remain, Mr. Punch, yours, gratefully,
Chaff yng- Abbas, Herts. CLEMENTINA JOLLY.
SIB,
UNDEB the fearful monotony of a perpetual curacy in one
of the dampest districts of Lincolnshire, where I thought the living
would have been the death of me, what with alternate attacks of
mental stagnation and bodily " shakes " as the ague is locally called
I had entirely lost my spirits as well as my temper. At last I had
lost the power of even smiling at my churchwarden's standing joke
about a " cure of souls " when he called on me at my lodgings over
the shoemaker's the glebe-house being under water during the six
winter and autumn months, and uninhabitable, from damp, during
the rest of the year. I had gradually dropped all intercourse with
the neighbouring county family a bachelor with a liability to
delirium tremens. I was rapidly following his lead, and becoming a
victim to the habit of mixing gin with the water of the locality,
when, by an accident I cannot but call providential, I invested in
a complete edition of Punch, and for three months, when not
employed in parochial duty, was busy in reading, marking, and
digesting its invigorating contents. I am. now a new man. I have
given up my gin. I sleep well at nights. My congregation, on the
other hand,, never so much as wink during the whole of my sermon,
though six months ago you could not have seen an open eye in the
church after the first five minutes. Such are the marvellous effects
of your life-giving food upon a grateful fen-parson,
THE REV. GEIMSTONE GETTBBE.
Frog-in-the-Hole, Holland, Lincolnshire.
Cure No. 155,050, Punch's Charivarenta Britannica.
LADY MABIA MEKHYWEATHEB is glad to be able to inform
Mr. Punch that since one of her great-nephews the other day sent
her his Seventy-First Volume, the LADY M. M. has found herself
able.to snap her fingers in the face of her principal creditor, Old
Time, and to laugh to scorn the fourscore and eight years she owes
him. Her figure has regained much of its youthful spring, and only
the other night she was almost taking part in one of the pas ae
Values with two of her grandchildren, after their return from the
Drury Lane Pantomime. She even caught herself last week making
eyes at that absurd old GENERAL METHUSALEM, with whom she used
to dance at Bath in 1810, before he went out to the Peninsula, when,
at LADY M. M.'s last " small and early," he asked her to join him in
"The days when we went gipsying, a long time ago." In short,
LADY M. M. wishes to inform Mr. Punch that she is as fresh as a
four-year-old that she subscribes to the World and does as the
world does, is up to all the political gossip and social scandal of the
day, and is quite in request for five o'clock teas !
The Evergreens, Oakfield, Hants.
"NOTHING NEW UNDEE THE SUN." The vaunted block system
has been in vogue in London streets for half a century.
INCIDENTS OF TAXATION. Collectors and Summonses.
JANUARY 27, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
25
owing to
footways,
RULES FOR THE RAINFALLS.
OME Blight abate-
ment in the late
down - pour has
come in the nick
of time to prevent
the issue of the
following Police
Regulations,
which were under
consideration at
Scotland Yard.
Rulei for Street
Navigation.
The Steamboats
of any London
Street Steam
Navigation Com-
pany that may be
formed will take
the same sides of
the Channel in
passing each
other as cabs have
done heretofore.
In the event of
such Companies
being estab-
lished, the fare-tariff of
the General Omnibus Com-
panies may be adopted.
Any incivility on the part
of the men at the wheel
should be reported to Scot-
land Wharf.
Moorings for Hackney
Launches will be laid
down at Charing Cross,
St. Paul's Churchyard, and
the Haymarkttt.
Fishing from 'first-floor
windows will be prohibited,
the risk of injury to the heads and head-dresses of boatmen plying along the
and of passengers on board 'Steam Barges, Hackney; Launches, or Hansom
Gondolas established for Metropolitan street
service.
No shrimping will be allowed in the
streets after nine o'clock A.M. Lobster pots
and night-lines may be put down and taken
up only between midnight and six A.II.
No person or persons will be allowed to
remove the shells and seaweed from the
Strand at low water, except the licensed
scavengers.
Bathing, except in Hoy ton dresses, strictly
forbidden.
The Public will be permitted to perambu-
late the streets, without shoes and stock-
ings, where the state of the tide will permit.
"Irreducible Minima."
THE heel of a Lady's boot.
The size of a glass of Sherry at a Lun-
cheon Bar.
The flavour thereof.
The value (in proportion to the money
disbursed) of the following :
A guinea paid to DR. SLADE.
Ditto paid to certain other "Doctors,"
who shall be nameless.
A shilling paid for a copy of The En-
glishman,
Six shillings and eightpenoe paid to a
Lawyer.
[The list can be indefinitely extended,
but our readers will probably do this for
themselves.]
Mottoes for some Weeklies.
FOE Truth" The greater the Truth the
greater the libel."
For the World "The World's mine
oyster."
For Mayfair" Ex luce lucellum."
For Vanity Fait " Sic vos non vobis
mellificatis ' Apes.' "
For Figaro ' ' Fi ! Gare ! ! Oh ! ! .'"
A SHIP OF THE DESERTS HARDSHIPS.
SANGEB'S STABLES, Jan., 1877.
ALLAH be with you, Lord of a million readers !
May your shadow never be less ! Know, Sheik of St. Bride's, I
am no poet, not even the most distant relation to the Bulbul : I am
an unhappy Dromedary, torn from his home to smell sawdust, and
curse the Afreet known as the Djin of Pantomime. But, PUNCH-
BASHI, I bear a hunch on my back, and, without wishing to be per-
sonal, I feel I have a claim through that protuberance upon your
special sympathies.
I could almost break out into cursing, but I feel that to indulge,
however excusably, in the habit of swearing acquired from my
fellow-prisoner, the Zebra (who chafes fearfully under a captivity
which adds to the stripes that nature has laid on his back those in-
flicted by an irate groom), might lower the Oriental dignity and
calmness of my style.
But, PUNCH-BASHI, have I not cause for swearing? From
Arabia's burning sands, decoyed into the strong-smelling hold of a
steamer, I find myself, after the agonies of a sea-voyage and an in-
terval of subsequent confinement with a batch of sick monkeys and
a flock of swearing parrots in JAMBACH'S anything but commodioul
premises in the Commercial Road East, transferred to the dark
stables of a circus '. Here, after some rough discipline in the ring. I
learnt by intermittent conversation with several small elephants, who
rub on a dreary existence in the same place of captivity, that I wag to
appear, in a few days, as a feature in a great Christmas attraction!
This was a flattering idea, doubtless, and a new one, for I knew of no
Christmas in the land I left, and no attraction beyond an extra graze
of thorns and thistles, and water enough to fill my five stomachs
to the brim. But I soon discovered from one of my worst-used
fellow-captives, the biggest elephant here, who was painted white
last year, in his assumed character of the Sacred Siamese, what
hgurmg in a Christmas Attraction in faot meant. With him, poor
fellow, it meant stopping up all his pores with whitening, treacle, and
size, a composition rendering him beautiful for a few weeks if not for
ever and ending in a narrow escape from congestion of the lungs.
Allah be praised, they have not this year made a Pink Drome-
dary of me, but it is bad enough to have to carry a bevy of spangle-
splashed Amazons, to breathe an asphyxiating atmosphere of gas-
fumes, exhalations of sawdust and stable manure, and to be
blinded by the lime-lights of the Giaour. My spongy feet, alas !
were never made to tread the London boards !
I used to bear my Arab master over the hot desert, speeding,
without a murmur, with a swinging stride, and outstretched neck
across the scorching Sahara, while we sniffed together the balmy
breeze which met us from the far-off oasis ! And then at night,
the unloading of the caravan, the savoury repast on the sparse thorns
of the desert, the too-brief slumber as we, the ships of the desert,
lay at anchor, hobbled beneath the stars !
Now I wait at the wings for my cue, duly accentuated by a kick
in the ribs and a tug at my muzzle, in a crowd of jostling supers and
insufficiently clad ballet-girls, men in armour and caparisoned horses
my abomination and when I pass from the side-scenes to the
stage, if, dazzled by jeta of flaring gas, and deafened by the blare
of discordant brass, I stumble or turn sulky, the street Arabs pelt
me with orange-peel from the Gallery, and my gaolers run me in
amid cheers of derision.
It is the last straw which breaks the camel's back. It is the last
spangle which will crush the Dromedary's. For know, O POTTCH-
EFFEITDI, the accursed company into which I have fallen have made
me ambitious in their own low way. 1 can sacrifice my desert home,
I can forget the sands of my foalhood, to gratify my last perhaps
foolish craving, but I shall 'die broken-hearted if I stay in the rank
and file of the " Grand Conference " scene as one of the mere
" utilities," two- and four-legged for one night more !
If I must go on in the Pantomime, let me at least figure for once
as the feature in the Transformation Scene. I feel that if I might
only go np on an iron frame surrounded by flights of Peris, I shall
not have been torn from my native deserts for nothing. We all
have our weaknesses : this is mine ; and I appeal to you, Caliph
of Fleet Street, by your influence with SPLTAX SANGBK to aid my
(Signed) HrMpn-DuMPW,
Chief Dromedary.
VOL. LXXII.
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1877.
BEFORE THE MEET.
BOOT and saddle for the Session, in both stables, kennels twain,
Ministerial. Opposition, lo 1 the hunt is up again !
Ixiok alive ! whips in both liveries, trot out both fields once more,
'Tis the old Meet at the Cross-roads, and the old fun to the fore.
Come, swells oE the first flight, who take whate'er comes in your
stride,
For whom no bar stands up too stiff no yawner gapes too wide ;
Come, skirters, and come gaters, come cocktails, one and all,
Who love to talk about the sport and never ride at all !
And you, my hardy huntsmen, keen rivals in the field.
And wiry whips on both sides, well trained the thong to wield ;
To rate when rating 's useful, to wind the timely blast,
To lay the hounds upon their fox, to lift them at a cast.
To work the pack when scent is hot, and cheer them when 'tis cold ;
To trust old hounds, who know the time to give tongue and to hold :
To rate praters, and check babblers, and head strayers back to
bounds
Ah ! only one who has whipped knows what 'tis to whip to hounds !
For you, my M. F. H.'s, well may care cloud either front ;
Life is not all beer and skittles for him who leads a hunt :
All the more, when in the Treasury-pack they 're losing the oM
strain ;
And in the Opposition they've got riot on the brain.
At the first meet of the season there '11 be whispering fat-t and free ;
In the Ministerial Muster we 're to see what we shall see.
A new M. F. H. will be up, in place of brave old BEN,
Who is laid up in lavender, and will ne'er hunt hounds again!
Ere you throw hounds into cover, at its side convene the field,
To present the testimonial here from Punch's brush revealed,
This portrait of your master now ex -master scarce so strong,
By the new name, as the old one that has held its own so long.
See him mounted on the old dark horse he rode when still a boy,
The woudrous steed on which he took the rasper of Alroy :
The dark horse on whose back he floored the flats as Vivian Grey,
The dark horse Asian-Mystery, out of Chouse by Chaff, they
say.
JANUAUY 27, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
27
SYNONYMOUS.
SKETCHED IK THE ClIAPEL ROYAI, WHITEHALL, THE OTHER SlTSDAY ; AND, IN
Ma. PUNCH'S OPINION, TUE KBY TO MUCU RECENT LEGISLATION I
QUESTIONS FOR SPIRITUALISTS.
THE British National Association of Spiritualists, al
their next tuin'e will perhaps endeavour to obtain com-
munications through a " trance Medium," or a table, on
the subject-matter of the following newspaper announce-
ment relative to
" BOTTLINO SPIRITS. Arrangement* have been made and are
now in force for bottling spirit* under the supervision of the
Customs Bill of Entry Office. 1 '
This notification suggests several serious questions to
which it may be hoped that answers will bo returned
orally, or rapped out.
Is it possible to bottle disembodied spirits ?
Was there any foundation in fact for the story
dramatised in the Settle Imp f
Could a genuine bottle conjuror really conjure a spiril
into a bottle? Would MASKKI.YNK AND COOK be able to
counterfeit that performance ? Was the Genie in the
Arabian Nights, fished up in a pot, tinned like Austra-
lian meat in it, a bottled spirit ': Did KIM. SoLOMO.v
really bottle him ?
Have any of the arrangements made for bottling
spirits, under the supervision of the Customs Bill oi
Kntry Office, been made with a Medium? Or are the
spirits bottled exclusively ardent spirits?
In being bottled must a spirit be condensed? If so,
by what process? Can the spirit bo pumped into the
bottle, like a volume of gas ? Can a spirit at will con-
dense and bottle itself:' When corked in, can it get
out airain, if it pleases, passing through solid matter ? "~
Will any one of the dear Spirits present be so kind
as to shrink and subside into a bottle? Will it allow
itself to be conveyed in the bottle to 85, Fleet Street,
and there disembottle itself with manifestations audible
or visible to Mr. Punch ?
A TAX HARD TO BEAB, BtTT HABDEB TO GET BID OF.
TIIEUE are great complaints of the Paddy-tax i_
Ceylon. England is not without considerable experience
of the pressure of the same impost. It has been found
one of the heaviest of the many she has to bear. But,
unlike Ceylon, she is not likely to get rid of it just
yet.
An old un' now, with neither wind nor paoo what once they
were,
Fired in both hocks no wonder though it scarce shows through the
hair,
A spring-ring on his off fore leg, though he looks like going still,
And can raise a showy gallop, if not too much pressed 'up-hill.
" Presented to the tough old chief, who so long rode in their front,
By the members of the True-blue, or Conservative, Old Hunt,"
May no croppers lie before him at the end of his long run ;
And may he turn the old horse home, ere he "s quite pumped out
and done !
"MUSIC HATH (C)HARMS."
THE Judge of the Westminster County Court has decided that a
nuisance may be " intolerable " but not " actionable." but whether
as " damnum absque injuria," or " injaria absque damno," is not
stated. We are sorry for the poor plaintiff who has both to tolerate
the intolerable nuisance, and pay the costs of trying to get rid
if it. The nuisance complained of is an organ measuring about
twelve feet in height, ten feet in width, and fou or five feet in
depth, and occupying about half the room in which it stands. This
room is directly under the chambers of the plaintiff, a literary man,
MB. WABE he should have been " Wear and tear" to have borne
unmoved such an infliction as that described in his pathetic expe-
rience of organic disturbances.
"When the organ wa tuned after being fitted up, he asked how long the
jperation would Isut ; on being told two or three hours, he went out for that
lime. The organ had been played at different periods since, about two or
;hree times a week ; he stayed in once for about three hours during which it
wa being played, and found that it so interfered with his comfort and the
performance of his work, that whenever it commenced ho had to leave the
louse. It was usually played from seven o'clock until ten o'clock in the
evening. The vibration was very great, causing an eflect very like that pro-
duced by a slight application of galvanism. On tho first day it was played a
Dresden plate m his room waa thrown down ; the vibration communicated
itself to all the articles in his rooms, composed of china, glass, or metal. He
had occupied the chambers for four or fire years, and had expended a con-
siderable amount of money on them. The music wiu very bad, and very
common air were played.
The man who plays these common airs so uncommonly ill on this
uncommonly potent instrument of torture, is a solicitor ; and he
brings two other solicitors as witnesses that the noise is no nuisance.
It seems that we should replace the old Scottish proverb, " Hawks
dinna pike out hawks' een, by " Hawks dinna cleave hawks' lugs."
Oae Solicitor went so far as to say that " the music did not interfere
with the performance of his work, nor was it any obstacle to conver-
sation ; he had given, his clerk instructions while it was being
played."
We can quite believe this. We can easily imagine a will, con-
veying real estate, being dictated with even more sprightliness than
usual to tho inspiriting tune of " Tommy, make Room for your
Uncle ; " or a codicil, bequeathing a substantial legacy, cheerfully
put into proper legal phraieology to the sentimental movement ot'
' Then you 'U Remember 3I." So a divorce case might be drafted
to the strains of " Take back the Heart thou gavett ! " or a letter
insisting on payment of a milliner's bill to the inspiriting melody of
" The Oaintboro' Hat;" or proposals for the arrangement of a
threatened action for breach of promise set forth to the lively ditty
of " He 's not a Marrying Man."
The Literary Man brings an Artist and a Doctor of Science to
corroborate his testimony. But what right have literary men,
artists, and doctors of science to more sensitive nerves, or more
impressible brain-structures, than lawyers ? Above all, what chance
has one literary man against three attorneys? His Honour decided,
with the sagacity of a Sancho, that the nuisance was " intolerable,"
but not actionable to which the only parallel we can think of is
Dogberry' t " Most tolerable, and not to be endured."
A SENTIMENT FOB THE LATE WET WEVTdER.
THR Empire on which the sun never sets and (of late) rery
seldom rises 1
28
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1877.
MR. PUNCH'S CELEBRITES CHEZ ELLES.
No. III. MKS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEUS, AT GHEEN HOLM.
ALM spring
weather, and a
delicious country
scene. A sky as
blue as the azure
expanse of the
silver-toned,
bird-beloved
Mediterranean.
Lofty trees thick
with emerald
leaves, with
great blotches of
bloom and nests
of saucy song-
sters, boasting
plumages of the
most gorgeous
hues. Lambkins
dancing to the
sound of merry
ditties carolled
gently by snowy-
smocked plough-
boys and rosy-
cheeked' milk-
maids. Good-
natured pigs
dozing in the
sleepy, sunshine
i model styes. Here and there a Juno-eyed cow gazing with
wonder at the shadows thrown upon the sharp, crisp, daisy-
sprinkled grass by the stately, golden-hued hay-ricks standing
defiantly in the face of Phoebus-Apollo, the chariot- driving God of
Day. In the far distance a freshly-turned field, and a quaint,
saucy-looking scarecrow.
And the house. Fresh as a buttercup, plump as a spring chicken.
Whitewashed and clean, with latticed windows and sweet, dreamy-
mouthed chimneys yielding a languid stream of faint blue smoke,
flowers in the windows, flowers on the doors, flowers round the
chimneys, flowers everywhere. Anyone looking at this simple,
pretty, happy house, with its real comfort and easy artistic elegance
would say that the inhabitants were simple, pretty, happy people-
and anybody would be right.
Just now the interior is scarcely seen at its best. ME. ALLSPICE-
* LATHEES (since his marriage he has prefixed the surname of his
e to ius own) is always influenced by his better half, and the
gifted Lady-Novelist has recently taken up the ideas of DB. iiCHABD-
ON. Ihus, the kitchen of Green Holm is being carried, piece-meal,
from the basement to the roof : all the floors are being covered witn
sheet-iron and cement, and the walls with porcelain quarrelles ; a
staircase is being constructed separate from the rest of the building
and a conservatory and play-ground for the children (where many
a merry game of cricket will be essayed in days to come), is being
covered in on the roof-at once hanging garden and sky-parlour
fn JL f f I5 6 ar t tw I00m * sufficiently comfortable, even in this
tangle of ladders, bricks, and mortar. One is for the boys ' ' J
the other for Papa and Mamma. The first combines a gvin
with a lavatory. Look in, and you will see the lads and lasses
s ILiBBYrhTf.l'H^rth f rformln & dl wrto. of aoroba tic antics. Here
EY, the eldest (the very image of his mother), hanging by one
g to a small rope attached to the ceiling. Over yonder envelorjpd in
smoke and flame, is tiny TIM (who takes after his father), conducting
a rather dangerous chemical experiment with the round-eyed aid of
his blue-eyed, bald-pated baby-brother. In a corner, busy with
P * a ,t M 1SSO A rS ' 1S CHASLEr ' already (at nine) an author of some
repute. MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS is an ardent mother, and brines
up her little ones after a fashion of her own.
. inter the other room, and you will find yourself in a laughter
inviting apartment, f ull of large easy-chairs and three-legged tables
^triT 1 ^ * 8 f . refer / nc , e ' ra books upon all til sciences,'
encyclopaedias, dictionaries of all sorts, and grammars of every
iguage. Here is a pocket edition (in one volume) of MANGNALL'S
ttp^ 8 '/ 1 WOI ! n ' a ? d scored aU over with Pencil-marks)
.ne annual Megister complete from the commencement. Six eoodl v
shelves are devoted to the novels of the mistress of the house* ThI
toldl* 1 choice selection (scarcely five thousand volumes all
told) is composed of sets of Dickens, Bulwer, Thackeray, Mark
4. lnsworth i De Quincey, Dumas (pere etftls)
"f'Vv/r'7 ffacaulay, Disraeli, Tennyson, Ouicla, and
- . ot LtttU Arthur's History of England. On the floor of
this cosy room are hies of the Times, Daily Telegraph, Morning Post,
and Daily News, from the commencement of each of the journals
named up to the present time. MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS is rather
proud of this collection, and seldom allows a visitor to leave without
calling attention to her industry in " picking up papers." For the
rest, the study is full of proofs, reams of foolscap, small printing-
presses, gallons of ink, stacks of pens, and scores of waste paper
baskets. You can scarcely move a step for desks. Here is one at
which MBS. ALLSPICE-FLATHEBS writes, up-standing. Here is
another, with a chair in front of it, " et tout ce qu'ilfaut pour ecrire,"
as the French stage-direction has it. Over yonder is a tiny table of
ebony and ormolu, laden with proofs in course of correction, and
in odd corners are leather-covered secretaires. Looking round you,
as you sit in this pleasant room, so redolent of work and comfort,
you cannot help envying the husband of the gifted occupant his good
fortune. This Benedick, at any rate, has drawn a prize in what
may be aptly called the luckless lottery of monotonous marriage.
And how does this accomplished Lady pass her world-enriching
life? A sample day will answer the question. She is up long
before the lark. She dashes into the nursery and kisses all her
children ; and, in good sooth, it is a pretty sight to see the mother and
little ones together. Men and women who read Marriages Galore,
Bigamy and Trigamy, Maud, or the Divorced One, and other works
of this gifted woman's for which the cry at MTJDIE'S is still " Give !
Give ! " till all the presses of SPOTTISWOODE & Co. can scarce
supply the demand would stare to find their favourite Authoress
so deeply and devotedly domestic. Then she rushes off to order
her husband's breakfast ; then tries on a new dress or a new
bonnet ; then sits down at the piano, and runs over an opera or
two in a rich, luscious, and soul-stirring contralto voice, full of
nerve-thrilling notes that remind one of a cathedral organ. By this
time breakfast is ready. It is a quiet cozy meal, eaten between
seven and eight.
She loves her husband with all her heart, and the affection is
returned. For ten minutes there is pleasant homely conversation
about MART'S cold or ALICE'S cough, and then the Authoress begins
her work for the day. But not at her desk. Far otherwise. She
catches an early train up to Town, and is in London before the
clocks have chimed eight.
Once in the Great Babylon, armed with a gigantic note-book, she
seeks admission at the dismal door of Newgate. It is a private
execution morning, and next week the world will be startled by the
graphic description of " Death on the Scaffold " that will appear in
Chapter XL VI. of Ben Barlow's Bad Bargain, now appearing in
monthly instalments in the classical pages of Seven Dials, the most
popular of our more sensational Magazines.
When the sad task she has set herself is over, the devoted
Authoress hurries away to Westminster Hall. As she trips up the
steps of a certain Court, all the officials bow to her. She is as well
known as the Judges on the Bench, or the leading Counsel. Good-
natured policemen grin, and bright young Barristers in the Hall tell
their fresh country cousins that yonder fair creature, with the
golden hair (alas I a little streaked with silver), with the slim figure,
the Prmcesse dress, the emerald ear-rings, the well-fitting yellow
gloves, and the bright beaming smile, is the celebrated Authoress
whose works are so highly improper that the very mildest of them
runs through half-a-dozen editions in a fortnight. Now and again
a suppressed hum of applause runs through the crowd, which she
acknowledges with a grace all her own. As she enters the Court
the Judge rises and beckons her to the Bench. Then his Lord-
ship passes her his notes. Every one likes and respects her, and is
ready to give her a helping hand in her work. Hour after hour she
gathers materials for her next novel. If the case is tried in camera,
an exception is made in her favour. And so the hands move round
the clock until four is boomed out by Big Ben in the Palace of
Westminster over yonder.
To dash into a hansom, to drive like mad to her pied-d-terre in
St. James s, to "make up" with a wig and beard, and to assume
the sable swallow-tail and etceteras of full fashionable evening
dress, is the work of scarcely two hours and a half. Thus disguised
she roams from Club smoking-room to Club smoking-room, and
learns many a Secret of our sex, for the benefit of her own. In
the sacred cauie of Art she learns how women are tempted and how
men fall. Those who watch her smoking strong cigars and drinking
stronger brandies and sodas, would be surprised if they were told
that the Cynic before them was a warm-hearted, generous-minded
wife and mother, and yet so it is. The Lady-Novelist must write
about men and women as they are, and where is the knowledge of
them to be found if not in the scandal-steaming air of the smoking-
room, or the disclosure-laden atmosphere of the Divorce Court ah,
where indeed !
At ten she drops into the private box of a transpontine theatre (it
is here she gets many a hint for her plots), and by midnight is once
more at home in the bosom of her family. Seated hand in hand
with her husband, she talks over the domestic events of the day.
But not for long. Her desk claims her. After two hours' writing,
she gives over work and takes up a small, red leather-covered book.
JANUARY 27, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
With a smile she reads the various items, and marks the mistakes
in spelling and the odd arithmetic. Let us look over her shoulder.
Domestic to the last ! She is perusing the pages of her butcher's
book. The total of last week's bill was 12 7s. G|</. So ends her
days. The self-devotion of duty has crowned the self-sacrifice of
genius.
THE SEX IN SESSION.
KlIlST SITTING.
Subjwt of Discussion "A certain Male Superstition."
LORD of the Creation . . . cannot
disabuse himself of the antiquated
notion that it is ' unfeminine ' for
a Woman to eat enough to support
nature. ... In the exclusive
presence of their own sex women
eat rationally what they require,
but hare not generally the moral
courage to let the opinion of their
lords at defiance. . . . As a mat-
ter of common tense it U time
that the idea of iU being un-
IVniininc for a woman to eat what
she requires should be regarded
an an effete superstition." ttt
World.
Laura. Like the Worlds im-
pudence !
Georgie. Say, like its sense I
Women have appetites.
Mine, I own, 's
immense.
Julia. No need to tell us that,
iny dear.
Fanny. Still less
To let Society know it.
Grace. 1 confess,
I fear dear FEED'S
amazement would
he utter
To see his sylph demolish bread and butter,
As that same sylph can do.
Of course! And then
Such disillusion means disgust in men !
Georgie. Absurd ! The geese should know girls must have grub.
Muriel. Don't be
Eleanor.
MM QUVBW MBVIUU ivuuw Kllia 1UU3L Urt>C
) so quite too vilely vidgar I
Lucy.
Kate,
The gilt ofl social gingerbread, niy dear,
And fools won't buy it.
Blanche. ELEANOR ! So severe !
Her market 's spoiled, you see. Don't be alarmed :
When a girl 's passee she may eat.
Eleanor. y ou charmed
I hat poor aosthetio Curate by your zeal
For frequent fasting after a full meal.
Lilian. Now, Girls, don't nag. No doubt the World is right
In its remarks on Women's appetite.
That we suppress or hide it top is certain ;
But then, dears, is it safe to lift the curtain ?
Amy. No. Did male artist ever paint a Venus
Munching her apple ?
It was gold !
T , . Between us
1 think the superstition 's vastly stupid ;
But Candour 's always sacrificed to Cupid.
Bessie. Men are such muffs ; they 'd have us so ideal.
I m sure my appetite is very real.
Marian. No doubt. You 're as substantial as Dudu.
All girls are not material, though, like you ;
And some men have a taste for the refined
And delioate^in body as in mind.
For me, I think that nothing could be harder
Than to imagine Venus in the larder.
malicent. Precisely 1 Art and Love go hand-in-hand
In shunning kitchen savants.
Georgie. That sounds grand !
But, pray, will Art and Love, and their fine kin,
Keep us from feeling famished, growing thin P
In spite of P.K. painters and BCBNK JONES,
I cannot see much beauty in mere bones.
Helen. Of course not. But, my dears, you ought to know
Just as the kitchen region 's kept below,
And out of sight, so eating, in the Sex,
Should be so nicely veiled as not to vex
Man's visionary views and fond illusions.
Eat, Girls ; but eat sub rota.
Georgie. Fine conclusions 1
I only say, if any inan supposes
I dine not only under, but on, roses,
I "d tell him frankly he is much mistaken,
And that my favourite diet is fat bacon !
Chorus. Oh, GEOBGIK! '. '.
Georgie. Well, I hate such false pretence !
And if your Cupid can't stand common sense,
Or any appetite beyond a sparrow's,
1 hope he 11 never plague me with his arrows.
[General flounce out.
PROPHETIC INTELLIGENCE.
Communicated through the Medium of the Spirit of Psycho Bray.
IT will rain on many days which are marked by the weather
prophets for fine, and particularly on those which have been chosen
for lawn parties and pic-nics.
Some sunshine may be looked for in the middle of July, and fogs
may be expected in the dull days of November.
People of weak mind will be sent upon fool's errands on the First
of April.
A good many geese will die in the week preceding Michaelmas,
and there will be a very great mortality among turkeys before
Christmas.
In spite of their antiquity, jokes on "tongue" and "trifle" will
continue to be perpetrated by small wags at evening parties.
Dreary speeches will be made by men at City dinners, and many
a Chairman will regret that the chief toast of the evening was not
placed in better hands.
In the Metropolis alone above a thousand maids of all work will
devote their Sundays out to purposes of courtship.
Notwithstanding increased vigilance on the part of the Police,
there will be no diminution in the number of street accidents.
A Crossing-sweeper will die after amassing a large fortune, and will
bequeath a handsome sum to found a Spirit-Fellowship at Oxford.
Platitudes will be uttered when Parliament begins to sit, and
many an orator will complain of being scantily reported.
The Customs and Excise will not De swept away this year, nor
will there be an abolition of the Income-tax.
A public Orator will protest, with evident emotion, and for the
hundredth time of utterance, that it is the very proudest moment of
his life, when he returns thanks for the kind way in which his
health has been proposed.
A gang of Bears upon the Stock Exchange will try to spread a
false report, for the purpose of depressing the price of certain
railway shares.
MB. HIGHFLIER, R.A., will be hugely complimented by the critics
for his picture ; while poor TOM MAULSTICKE'S will be skied, and
will escape their observation.
In consequence of College debts exceeding expectation, an irascible
old Gentleman will threaten disinheritance, but on his Wife's inter-
cession will draw a cheque to settle them.
A batch of Novels will be advertised wellnigh every month, and
most of them will not be opened until handed to the butterman.
At several dinner-parties a score of guests will be kept waiting
for the coming of the Bride, who likes to enter last in order to be
stared at.
Plays will be successful upon the Paris Stage, and will hardly
escape damnation when transferred to London.
Penny Newspapers will brag about their size or circulation, but
will not find much to boast of in the matter of their intelligence.
A Bubble Company will collapse, to the injury of all who have had
anything to do with H excepting the promoters.
A Lady in high life will ask a masculine admirer his opinion of
her poem, and will pretend to credit the candour of his praises.
Tne Favourite will be scratched on the night before the race, and
whispers of foul play will be heard among the Bookmakers.
Bargains will be bought at many so-called Sellings-Off, and the
buyers will be sold as well as what they purchase.
MB. SPOONET will invite his Mamma-in-law to come and spend a
week with him, and that Lady will arrive bringing luggage for a
twelvemonth.
Bad Jokes will be sent by the gross to Punch every post, with
peremptory requests for their immediate insertion.
Union, Indeed!
ENGLISH Church Union ! For a style
More fit in vain might Satire search,
Its members working, all the while,
To disunite the English Church.
30
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1877.
LIGHT READING WITH A VENGEANCE.
V LIJME HAPM NS STILL TO BB OUT; BUT HERE IS THE ENTIRE
Youtig Lady. " OH, r//Ar WON'T DO ! How ON EARTH AM I TO FIND MY PLACE IN IT?"
ON THE CLOSE OF -A CONFERENCE.
FINIS coronal opus ! Never sat
A better meaning Conference than that
Just now put out by the Imperial Hatt.
Easy it were to raise the scornful laugh.
A P ke 'heap fun, and heap unsifted chaff
On the Wise West's strong diplomatic staff,
That cracks and bends and breaks and lets us down,
And lays low more than one Imperial crown
Under grave MIDHAT'S fez and stubborn frown.
Was 't that the Turk the game of brag read right,
Foresaw that Russ tall talk would not mean fight ;
And knew IGNATIEFF'S bark worse than his bite ?
Or fathomed Austria's plight, by dual law
Forced now with Slav, and now with Turk to draw,
And ielt 'twas safe to ride on that see-saw ?
r was 't that BISMABCK bred more hopes than fears,
Whose interest should be to lop Bruin's ears,
ocarco feed him fat on Turkey for some years ?
Whate'er the secret of the Turks' sang-froid,
-He looked cool, and ho was cool : dans son droit
Jiorgne parmites aveugles, et partant lioi !
blew his bubble Constitution bright,
With brave French colours tricked in rainbow light,
And bade young Turkey spread tail at the sight.
And ere he made the Conference " shut up "
Helped them to Humble Pie, and in their cup,
fur bitters, gave them failure's gall to sup.
Let not the scorn of scoffers rub aside
This salve to ruftled self-conceits applied,
" We have done buffers' work be that our pride."
And let not SALISBURY his fate deplore :
No credit he has lost on Stamboul's shore :
For he that does his best can do no more.
And had the British Lion meant that he
Should raise a voice to sound from sea to sea,
He 'd but to will, for what he willed, to be.
So ends the Conference ; shall we say " for good,"
With Christian wrongs unrighted, claims withstood ?
Best not halloo, till well out of the wood.
"A Thing no Fellah can Understand."
IN an article of the Cork Examiner, on the 13th ult., on the
recent Election for Sligo, we read :
" CAPTAIN KINO BARMAN, who was yesterday returned unopposed for
bligo, will very likely sit on the Conservative benches, though he will vote
on all Irish questions with the rest of the Home-Kulers. His family has
always been the leading Conservative power in the counties of Sligo, Long-
ford, and Eoscommon, nnd are possessed of great territorial influence. The
new Member created a great impression m Irish politics at the time.*
Ihough he represents, as to property, two titles, he bears none. He holds all
or more of the estates of his grandfather, Lord Lorton, on one side, of his
uncle, Lord Kingston, on the other."
Given the last sentence of the above, as the terms of the problem :
required, to find what estate CAPTAIN KINO HABMAN does hold.
* Query, What time f
WHAT WE WANT TO SEE IN THE NAVY. The Engineer "hoisted"
not by his own petard, but by rank, pay, and consideration.
hd
"?
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JANUARY 27, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
33
PROPOSED REGULATIONS IN " HYGEIOPOLIS."
BXV
No dinner-party will
be allowed to take place
until the menu has been
submitted to the Board
of Health, and received
its sanction under the
official seal.
All wines intended for
consumption at dinner
and evening; parties, or
other entertainments,
whether public or pri-
vate, must be previously
analysed, and certified by
the Official Chemist.
As waiting for dinner
is detrimental to the
temper and injurious to
the digestive organs, the
hour named in the invita-
tion is strictly to be ad-
hered to; and no guest,
however exalted or
wealthy, will be^ ad-
mitted after the ap-
pointed time on any plea
or pretext whatsoever.
Ladies are absolutely
prohibited from wearing
thin boots and shoes in
the winter months and in
wet weather.
Ladies going to evening;
parties will be required
to envelope themselves from head to foot in cloaks with hoods, the pattern of which will be
furnished by the Sanitary Dressmaker. Ladies wishing to wear low dresses, must first obtain
a medical certificate.
No dinner-party to take place at a later hour than seven in summer and six in winter ;
and no ball or dance to commence after half-past seven, or be prolonged after half -past
twelve.
Children's parties to be conducted under medical supervision as to hours, dress, refresh-
ments, &c.
Breakfast in bed positively forbidden, except on production of a medical certificate.
No food to be served which has not first been tested by the Public Analyser, and certified
to contain the proper amount of carbon and nitrogen.
It is felt that for the present at least, no veto can be put on the baneful practice of
mixing wines at dinner and other entertainments, but residents are solemnly warned against
such a dangerous violation of the laws of health.
Ozone will be supplied gratis every alternate Tuesday and Thursday from 10 to 1.
Young Ladies who have proved their ability to bear fatigue by dancing for several hours
at night, will be expected to take at least one hour's exercise daily in the open air.
The gift or sale of sweetmeats to Children is absolutely prohibited.
Residents wishing to give entertainments must first state in writing the exact dimen-
sions of their reception rooms, that they may be informed by the Public Officer of Health of
the proper number of guests to be invited.
No Inhabitant will be permitted to keep any animal, play upon any musical instrument,
or indulge in any game or sport likely to prove a nuisance or annoyance to the immediate
neighbourhood.
Street Cries and Street Music of every description will be rigorously interdicted, except on
the unanimous application (in writing) of the occupiers of all the houses in any particular
Square, Crescent, Gardens, or Terrace.
There will be no Beggars.
Servants, on engaging themselves, will be required to sign an Agreement, under heavv
penalties, (such as loss of wages and Sundays out, prohibition of visits from " friends,"
&c.,) to remain at least one year in the same situation.
Church Bells will not be suffered to be rung except on Sundays.
No Medicine to be taken except under the advice and by the direction of the Public
Officer of Health.
The keepers of the Square Gardens have btrict orders to take into custody any persons
found flirting on the premises.
Cremation will be gradually introduced. Artists of the first celebrity will be invited
to furnish designs for ornamental xurns.
Spacious and airy premises in the heart of the country will be provided for infants while
teething, under vaccination, &c., that no discomfort to the adult population may be caused
by their incessant vagitation.
No person will be accepted as a tenant on the estate until he or she has passed a pre-
liminary examination in the theory and practice of hvgiene, domestic economy, drainage,
ventilation, heating, lighting, cookery, chemistry, and the management of children and
servants.
THE BEST WINE ims WET WEATHEB. Dry Champagne.
THE NEW HOUSE.
A Domestic Drama of the ])ayfr<m
Different Points of I '<> n-.
SCKNK Drawing-Room of a new
liriijhlh/ funiifi/ii'il I'illii in a Hoii
Suburb. EDWIN unit AMIKLIITA a
" ytiung couple " discovered " in
clover.
Angelina (effusii-ely, looking up from her
stitrhery). EDWIN dear, this house is a per-
fect gem ! ! !
i'.ilirin (dryly, looking up from his
''Times"). Glaa you think so, my love.
Where ignorance is bliss. &c.
Angelina (surprised). Why, what do you
mean ? What fault have you to find
with it?
Edwin. Hundreds.
Angelina. EDWIN, what nonsense ! It is
very pretty and extremely comfortable. It
is not damp, it is not draughty ; the rain
does not come in, nor the smoke out ; the
doors do not gape, the wainscpts do not
yawn; the plaster does not crack, the
stucco does not crumble. What more would
you have ?
Edwin (iententiouily). You enumerate its
negative advantages in happy unconscious-
ness of its positive terrors.
Angelina (alarmed). Positive terrors,
EDWIN? You positively terrify me. Is
it can it be-yhaunted ?
I'.ilwin. .It is! Not indeed by ghosts or
SLADE-summoned spirits, but by the germs
of disease and the embryons of death!
Angelina. EDWIN, don't, be horrid, and
do explain.
Edwin. I will. Pretty paper this, eh ?
Angelina. The loveliest thing !
Edwin. Ah ! 80 was Li UTII . So were
the Sirens. So was that artful BELINDA
BELLASYS, who very nearly bred strife be-
tween us before our marriage.
Angelina (bridling). She lovely ! Now,
EDWIN, if you have nothing better to
say
Edwin. But I have. Listen !
Angelina. Not if you talk about the
beauty of BELINDA BELLASYS.
Edwin. I simply referred to her as a per-
tinent illustration. She was like this wall-
paper pretty, but pernicious.
Angelina. Pernicious ?
Edwin. Precisely. It is a flock-paper,
and therefore a ready receptacle for organic
and inorganic dust, an exhaler of particles
of arsenic and other poisonous effluvia ; in
fact, a reservoir of damp and dirt, and dis-
ease, and death !
Angelina. Then, for goodness' sake, have
it down, and another one up !
Edwin. Of what sort? The. thinner ones
ilso catch and retain dust, and dust is
locomotive disease. The paperhanger's
paste decomposes, and decomposed paste is
bad to breathe. In fact, wall-papers are a
bad lot, always "hydrating," or some-
thing equally horrid, and incapable of pass-
ing through the necessary ordeals of fire
and water, e.g., of Bunsen flame-bath and
scrubbing-brush. Their very patterns are
pernicious, producing unknown to the
victim irritation of the retina, confusion
of the brain, vertigo, and nightmare. Pos-
sibly, the great prevalence of giddy-pated
?irls and muddle-headed men may be laid
to their charge.
Angelina. My dear EDWIN, I begin to
suspect that the wall-paper or something
else has muddled your head this evening.
Edwin. The carpet, perhaps. Nay, don t
stamp your feet so pettishly, for that beats
out the dust; ana a room charged with
34
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1877.
PERFECTLY UNNECESSARY.
SCENE Anywhere. Any Time.
Old Lady. " DON'T DRIVE FAST, CONDUCTOR. I 'M VERT NERVOUS ! " Conductor. " No FEAR, MU'M ! "
[Old Gentleman, who wants to catch a Train, decides to walk!
carpet-dust is destruction. In fact, carpets are almost as bad as
wall-papers, and should be abolished.
Angelina. And I was so proud of my pretty bright Brussels !
Edwin. All wrong ! Too bright a great deal. Sky-blue, grass-
green, the ashen grey of morning, the pink and daffodil of eve,
these are the only colours allowable in a healthy house. Carpets
are a malign mistake ; boards and beeswax the things. Gas again !
The Landlord informed us with misplaced or Mephistophehan
pride that it was "laid on" to every room in the house; which
means that every room is transformed into a sort of domestic Grotto
del Cane. Gas indeed! Giddiness, nausea, faintness, and cold
clammy perspirations, are its milder effects. Each additional jet
means so much more carbonic oxide and slow asphyxia.
Angelina. But, good gracious, EDWIN, what can we do ?
Edwin. Get back to candles and lamps, until Science perfects the
electric light. In fine, my dear, as regards atmosphere, tempera-
ture, and light, the three essentials to healthy life, this house is
radically deficient ; while as regards its furnishings it is as prepos-
terously and poisonously wrong. MrrHRlDATES might have dined
on a lexicologist's drug-chest, but he could never keep his health in
a modern Villa.
Angelina. Oh, destraction ! But surely, EDWIN, if you knew all
this
Edwin. I did not until thi evening. Read this report of
DR. RICHARDSON'S lecture on Health Improvement! in Great Cities
and
Angelina (much relieved). Oh. EDWIN, how could you ? What a
scare you have given me, and all for nothing !
Edwin. For nothing ? Rash and ribald woman, are the edicts of
Hygeiopolis nothing f DR. RICHARDSON
Angelina. Oh, bother DR. RICHARDSON ! A what do you call it ?
Utopian, isn't he P
Edwin. My dear, the Utopias of to-day are the commonplaces of
to-morrow.
Angelina. Oh, I hate such crotchetty alarmists, frightening
people till they dare not eat for fear of poison, or breathe for fear of
pestilence. Health, indeed ! Who 's to hope for it, if we must turn
the world upside down, and Bone's house out of windows, before one
can get at it ?
Edwin (deprecatingly). My dear, there are difficulties, I admit.
Still we should thank DR. RICHARDSON for pointing out the condi-
tions of perfect health, however slow must be the process of realising
them.
^Angelina (confidently}. Well, aU I know is, I'm not going to let
his wnim-whams and whigmaleeries put me out pf conceit with my
Eretty new house. Why, how would you like to sacrifice all this
right colour and cosiness for earthenware walls, bees-waxed floors,
and ashen grey rugs ?
Edwin (dubiously). W-e-e-1
[Scene closes as many a domestic colloquy on tlie same subject
will close. Nevertheless DR. RICHARDSON is doubtless on
the right track.
Dirt v. Dirt.
GREAT THOMAS of Chelsea, by Darwinites hurt,
Declares Evolution " The Gospel of Dirt."
Nicknames sting and stick, but they scarcely confute,
Though conferred by a censor of splendid repute.
Truth 's proof 'gainst hard names, has true THOMAS to learn it ?
If the New Gospel 's false, by hard reason o'erturn it :
Therewith our true THOMAS hath dealt many a stinger
But scorn and invective recoil on the flinger.
Leave the parsons to ply the polemical squirt at it ;
Dirt's Gospel it won't kill or cleanse to throw dirt at it.
MOTTO FOR A NEW JOURNAL (.from the Welsh, in more senset
than one)."' Truth against the World."
JANUABY 27, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
35
HEALTH IS HAPPINESS.
So THINK TOM AND JERRY ; AND WHRNKVBR THBY HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY, JERRY TAKES OUT HIS
WATCH, AND FBELS HIS I'DISB, WHILE TOM LOOKS AT HIS TONGUK IN A SMALL POCKET-GLASS.
A DROP TOO MUCH.
AMONGST some curious particulars
respecting Champagne wine, the
Bulletin des Seances de la Societc
< 'i'iitrale d 1 Agriculture mentions
that Ay was pri/ed above all other
wines by POPE URBAN II. (whom we
now know to have been an infallible
judge), in the eleventh century. It
was then, according to the above-
quoted authority, a red sort, not
unlike Bouzy wine, which also has
had its day of great renown." Few
people now-a-days, probably, are
aware of the existence of a Bonzy
wine ; and certain Spelling Re-
formers will perhaps suggest that
the name of that wine, considered as
descriptive of its effects on those
who drink too much of it, is appli-
cable to all manner of " intoxicating
liquors."
The New System of Chancery.
GREAT complaint is made of the
Law's Delay " prevalent under the
New System" in the Court of
Chancery. There is said to be a
"block" in the Registrar's Office;
another block in Chambers ; a block
in every department of the Chan-
cery Division. Hence it appears that
the " New System " aoopted in
Chancery is in fact the " Block Sys-
tem." Strange ! The desideratum
of our Railways is the opprobrium of
our Courts of Law.
ODD CONTRADICTION.
THAT "Full Dress" in Her Ma-
jesty's Foot Guards should involve
Bear Skins.
FASHIONABLE CHIT-CHAT.
(Adapted from the American for the English Market.)
CHARLEY HEADLONG married LADY "DOLLY" SPANKER on
Tuesday. The wedding cake (supplied by MESSES. SWEET AND
PLUMB) cost over seventy guineas. The old woman (the Bride's
mother) was awfully cut up, and cried until her complexion was
utterly spoiled. This was not strange, as the Dowager's favourite
brother has recently died of typhus fever.
Br the way, nropos of the death to which I have just alluded,
there were eight hundred and ninety-seven silver nails in the coffin.
I AM very fond of Waiters, and know a large number of them.
As this is the case, I may have something to say about the Smoking-
Koom Talk in several leading West-End Clubs next week.
A HORSE-WHIPPING doesn't hurt when you are accustomed to it.
I AM accustomed to hang about stage-doors after the performances
are over. A well-known actress (for whom I have the most pro-
found respect) took an omnibus from the Strand to Clapham on
Friday. She got out some little distance from her house, to save
payment of an extra penny. And yet they say " the Prof ession "
are improvident.
I DINED the other evening with LADY BROWNJONES ROHINSON.
The soup was too hot, and the fish too cold. The entrees were
greasy, and the birds tough. The ice pudding tasted as if it had
been manufactured in the kitchen of a third-rate pastrycook. It is
only just to say (in answer to certain unpleasant reports that have
been_ current of late) that LADY BBOWNJONES ROBINSON'S husband
was in attendance. Poor fellow, he looked a little mournful. Once
only did a " guest" address him. and then it was to ask him " To
be good enough to pass the salt."
I HEAR, on excellent authority, that a certain Illustrious Person-
age has ordered half-a-dozen pairs of new boots.
I WENT to see some Amateur Theatricals the other day, and the
performances had a terribly depressing effect. I am not much of
an actor myself, but I think, were I asked to play, I should go in
for The Liar. VZKAX.
IRISH RAILWAY HOURS.
WE understand the answer as well as the question :
" What ii the night f
Almost at odds with morning, which is which."
We do not seem to fancy that night and morning, described as at
odds with each other, are said to be falling out. But in the following
advertisement, cut from a Dublin contemporary, occurs a passage,
which, if parallel to the Shakspearian statement foregoing, is com-
paratively obscure :
IF any of the Gentlemen who witnessed the Collision near the Mater
Misericordiae Hospital, between one and two o'clock on Wednesday, the
10th inst., will communicate with V. 324, office of this paper, he will much
oblige.
It is too much, perhaps, to hope that the collision above alleged
to have occurred between One ana Two o'clock, was merely a figura-
tive sort of clash into which one of those hours somehow came with
the other : no bones broken as they might be if the Hours in Ireland
travelled by rail. It seems to have been a visible collision, from
the intimation that if any of the Gentlemen who witnessed it will
communicate with "V. 324," he that is, of course, "V. 324"
will much oblige. But whom will "V. 324" oblige, and how, and
wherefore? Presumably "V. 324" is one of those Preservers of
Public Order by the English populace .not too respectfully styled
Bobbies. Although he may be a thoroughly efficient Constable, his
diction is certainly less perspicuous than such as beseems an officer
of that intelligent body the Irish Police. Query for Earlswood
One o'clock coming into collision with Two, would not One get the
worst of it ?
SONGS FOR LUNATIC ASYLUMS. Glees rather than Madrigals.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1877.
HINTS ON HOUSE-BUILDING;
Or, How to Make Home Happy.
M 1
it. PUNCH has read
with a great deal
of pleasure DR.
RICHAEDSON'S ex-
cellent Lectures
upon our hearths
and homes. Ever
ready to assist in
the cause of
health and com-
mon sense, the
Sage of Fleet
Street begs to
supplement these
lectures with a
few hints of his
own. It will be
seen that the proposals of Mr.
Punch and DB. RICHARDSON are
equally practicable :
Staircases. These incum-
brances should be abolished.
There is nothing more fatiguing
than going up and (in some
cases, e.g., after a joyous dinner)
nothing more dangerous than
coming down stairs. In lieu of
the Staircase a trapeze should
be rigged up. With a little
practice, ev'try.meinber of the house should be able to swing himself
or herself from landing to landing. The exercise will be found in-
finitely more beneficial to the muscles than stair-climbing, and, from
an artistic point of view, will prove exceedingly pleasant and even
graceful.
Wall Papers. These collectors of dirt should not be tolerated.
What is wanted is some cheap, useful material that will wash and
supply, in an unpretending fashion, heat in winter and light in
summer. If this material, by its peculiar properties, abolishes fire-
places and chandeliers, so much the better. It should also (when
needed) supply pegs for hats and dresses. It might, too, change
colour to suit the furniture. At present such a material does not
exist, but its discovery should lead to a very valuable patent.
Until this material is invented, the walls of rich people may be
lined with tin, to show that they are well to do. The office-walls
of lawyers might, appropriately, be faced with brass.
The Kitchen. This apartment should be on the top of the house,
outside the roof. Its new position will do away with the nuisance
caused by the odours of cookery.
The Nursery. It is obvious that this room should be on the top
of the house, and also outside the roof. Noise ascends, and children
should always have the highest (id est, the purest) air.
The Library. The Study, it is scarcely necessary to say, should
be on the top of the house and outside the roof. Reading in
pure air is a healthy exercise. Heading in anything else is the
reverse.
The Drawing- Rooms. This suite should be always situated on
the top of the house, and outside the roof. The view of the adjacent
country will be finer from the top than from the basement of the
building.
The Bed-Rooms. It is superfluous to say that these chambers,
in which good air is an absolute necessity, should invariably be built
on the top of the house, and outside the roof.
The Garden. TOT the sake of convenience, no better spot could
be found for pleasure-grounds and kitchen-gardens than the top of
the house outside the roof, of course.
Windows. As light is lire, there can never be too many windows
in a house. As a rule, it may be conceded that to every foot of
brickwork there should be a yard of glass. Care, however, should
be taken :that there should not be too much glare. Thus, an
unnecessary window should be bricked up immediately on its
discovery.
Doors. These wooden barriers are frequently the cause of much
illness. Were there no doors there would be no draughts. Under
these circumstances doors should be unsparingly abolished.
The Dungeon. This is a new but very necessary addition to the
comforts of a home. No household conducted on truly economical
principles should be without one. If the house is a castle, the
dungeon should be constructed beneath the moat. It is scarcely
necessary to say that it should be used as a place of secret confine-
ment for the Tax-Collector, who may be cajoled into the hall by in-
sidious politeness, there sprung upon, seized, gagged, garotte, and
plunged into the dungeon.
HIGH CHURCH COMEDY.
THE Venerable yet humorous ARCHDEACON OF TATOTON seldom
opens his mouth without saying something remarkable. As, for
instance, in moving a Resolution of defiance to the Court of Arches
at the Meeting lately held by the English Church Union in the
Freemasons' Tavern, to consider the Hatcham case. He said that
the Court which had inhibited poor ME. TOOTH " ought to be called
LORD PENZ.VNCE'S Court; " that he "knew no more shameful pro-
ceedings than that that Court should sit at Lambeth ; " and that
LOED PENZANCE'S Court was "a name by which it would go down
to the odium and execration of posterity." His hearers laughed,
not unnaturally, at language which reads like that of a preacher of
Temperance, who has taken too much tea, abusing boer.
ARCHDEACON DENISON is reported also to have said:
" It is a very fine thing to come here cheering one another, and passing
Resolutions by acclamation ; but what are we going to do for the Priests of the
Church of England those who will be brought possibly very soon under the
claws of LORD PENZANCE ? (Laughter.)"
More laughter ; naturally ao;am ; laughter at the idea of LORD
PENZANCE with claws. A funny idea, certainly. Couldn't our
Archdeacon work it out P Is he able to draw ? Then he might put
LORD PEMZANCE on paper, with claws and all the other extras to the
human form which they imply. Perhaps he will favour us with a
sketch of him thus delineated.
Our unpayable Archdeacon proceeded as follows :
" I believe' l that Priests will follow the example of those two men who have
fought the real battle ; our dear friend Ma. PURCHAS, who was killed by it
(' hear, hear ! '), and our dear friend ARTHUR TOOTH. (Prolonged cheering}.
And there is another man who has been killed too, our dear friend DR. DYKES.
('Sear, hear!'). Well, Ma. TOOTII is looking forward to dwelling in a
prison during the remainder of his life ; and, if I know, the man, I must say
nothing in this world will ever take him out of it (cheers) ; and if I had to go
to prison, I should like to go to prison with him. (Laughter.) "
The tables set in a roar again by a Yorick equal to SIR WILFRID
LAWSON of course only joking. We live in happy times compared
to those in which real martyrs were killed, and genuine Confessors
sent to prison. Our venerable Yorick can have no real fear of
having to go there along with MR. TOOTH. Moreover, a prison is
not the institution to which any Judge with the requisite discretion
would commit such defendants as those concerned in the pranks
which ARCHDEACON DENISON'S friends have been playing at St.
James's, (Colney) Hatcham.
Natural (History) Question.
Ma. PEOCIOR, in his Lecture on the Sea Serpent, says :
" The Mermaid, again, has been satisfactorily identified with the Manatee,
or ' Woman-Fish," as the Portuguese call it, which assumes, says CAPTAIN
SCORESBY, * such positions that the human appearance is very closely
imitated.' " Times.
Has the Manatee, or " Woman-Fish," any connection with the
modern Man at Tea the Ladies' fish the great creature at five
o'clock kettle-drums ?
Kill and Not Cure.
IN a paragraph on Vaccination in the Times, the President of the
Anti-compulsory Vaccination League is stated to be " a Clergyman
of the Church of England, but happily (according to the Clergy
List) without cure of souls." Happily, perhaps. But then if he
had cure of souls he would have business of his own to mind might
possibly mind it, and, by having his attention occupied with curing
souls, be withheld from opposing the prevention of small-pox, and
so promoting the propagation of disease amongst bodies.
A FALLING OFF.
OLD BUTTONLESS, the bachelor, complains that whereas in former
times his friends sent him at Christmas a dozen brace or so of birds,
he now only receives by post a couple of dozen or so of twopenny
Robins !
TWO WATS OF LOOKING AT IT.
THE Court of Exchequer has decided that cutting cooks' combs is
cruelty to animals. But if you don't cut cox-combs they inflict
themselves upon you, and on which side is the cruelty to animals
then ? ^_______
A NICE BISHOPEIC (fora red-hot Partisan Parson). The Palsco-
crystic See.
FEBRUARY 3, is? 7.'
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
OUR FAILURES."
Husband. " I SAT, LIZZIB, WHAT ON EARTH DID you MAKE THIS MINT-
SAUCB OF?"
Young Wife (who hat been "helping" Cook). " PARSLEY, TO BE srRE !"
SONG OF THE CHURCH UNION.
AIR "And Shall Trelaumey Diet"
AND shall they strike at Ritual rites P
Shiill TOOTH in durance lie ?
Then fourteen thousand Union Men
Will know the reason why !
For Church and conscience JAMES'S days
Saw Bishops sev'n confined ;
But Cornwall's sons found means and ways
TII rhange the royal mind.
So we'll resist TAIT, CAIRNS, and PEN,
And Law, in them, defy,
We, fourteen thousand Union Men,
And not men to say die.
Matters of moment still we '11 make
Of chasuble and stole ;
"With TOOTH, in teeth of Law, we'll take
The Mass of Rome for goal.
While we scorn TAIT and CAIRNS and PEN,
And power of Law defy,
In Union's name Disunion Men,
Though with no reason why.
Our Roman candles high shall flare,
On Romish altar-plate.
And lace and flowers and frontals fair,
While Mass we celebrate.
So using tooth and tongue and pen
The Law Courts to defy,
Wi 1 fourteen thousand Union Men
Will hang each other-by !
We '11 under-crcep or over-leap
All Acts our course that bar ;
Obedience to our Bishops keep,
But while with us they are.
And till we stump TAIT. Bench, and PEN,
Against the three we 11 cry :
If Law dares thwart Church-Union Men,
Shall they be bound thereby ?
" CLOUDS in the East." No wonder, now the Conference
has ended in smoke.
SIGNS OF THE SEASON.
GREAT preparations are being made for the ensuing Season, which,
the Court Newsmen assure us, is to be more than usually brilliant.
Mr. Punch has received visits from the fournisseurs, and own men
and maids of the elite of Fashion, who afl assure him that no efforts
will be spared on all hands this year to make London a vortex of
elegant entertainment.
LADY DIOBY HOLEPICKER has passed the entire winter in tracing
to their foundation all circumstances and scandals affecting the
debutantes of the Season. Her Ladyship has investigated all par-
ticulars of their fathers' properties and portions, their own expec-
tations in the way of settlements and pin-money, and their pecuniary
as well as personal " figures." LADY D. H. hopes also to be in a po-
sition to give her friends the exact facts relating to all the com-
promising connections, unfortunate attachments, runaway matches,
and actual or probable elopements, separations, and divorces, which
formed the chief topics in distinguished circles in the course of last
Season, and at'good visiting houses through the autumn and winter.
LORD HAUTENBAS has made his usual New Year's distribution of
bon-bons, as retainers at the tables where he expects to have a
seat kept for him during the approaching Season. LORD H. has
passed several weeks in handicapping his friends' Cooks, and in
arranginor with his entertainers in futuro the people to be cold-
shouldered and invited where he dines. His Lordship has not quite
settled which Opera-box at both houses shall have the distinguished
honour of his patronage. Several nouveaux-riches are competing
for the preference.
TOMMY TAMECAT lias been diligently working all his Clubs in
succession for the last three weeks, and is now engaged to dinner
every day for a month from the opening of Parliament. He 'has
taken" notes of every tit-bit of fashionable scandal and exclusive
gossip, and every high-flavoured double entendre, he has been able
to pick up in his autumn rounds, and has almost finished arranging
them according to the tables at which he means to bring them in.
He has also got into working order his choice stock of assorted
compliments, to match the capacities and styles of his hostesses in
prospective, with quotations from ALFRED DB MUSSET, BYKON, or
BROWNING, for cases where the recipient is likely to understand the
French or appreciate the English. TOMMY has also been concluding
beneficial arrangements for the Season with his tailor, his boot-
maker, and job-master, on the mutual principle of limited patronage
and unlimited credit.
The HON. Mas. LUCBETIA SLYBOOTS has been damaging her diges-
tion at five o'clock Kettledrums with every conceivable decoction of
Assam, Congou, and Orange Pekoe, for the purpose of clearing her
character from those odious imputations which that horrid MRS.
GRUNDY has been spreading about her without the slightest founda-
tion. MRS. S. has oeen seen at Church every Sunday and Friday
since New Year's Day ; and if that absurd man, GODFREY STALKER,
will leave his regiment to come to the same Church, for the same
services, is it her fault? Is not the idea quite too supremely
ridiculous P Isn't it dreadful to think what wicked things people
do think of other people ! If people would only mind their own
business !
BIANCA WESTAL is coming up for her first season. She can
scarcely sleep for the preparations she is making. She has got no
money to speak of, but, thank goodness, she is pretty enough to be
adored without, and rose tarlatan does become her so quite too
awfully, particularly with stephanotis in her hair and they say the
Prince dotes on stephanotis. And she is to be presented by LADY
DIQBY HOLEPICKER, who is to kind; and if she should be asked to
Marlborough House, won't it be quite too awfully jolly !
Ritualist Venison.
THE sympathy of the English Church Union with MR. TOOTH
may be heightened by a feeling peculiar to Englishmen admira-
tion of an offender who shows nimself game. Undoubtedly the
contemner of the Court of Arches is game to the backbone ; but
the game is too High.
VOL. LXXII,
38
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1877.
THOMAS EDWARD, NATURALIST AND COBBLER.
HELP yourself ! " is a good rule, and a capital text, on which
, ,
ME. SMILES, some time ago, preached a sermon by examples, with
the title of Self-Help. The moral of this sermon is summed in the
old proverb, " God helps those who help themselves." For there
indeed lies the strength of " Self-Help 5 ' it is God's help. And
now MR. SMILES has preached another sermon on the same text,
called The Life of a Scotch Naturalist. It is the wonderful true
story of a wonderful true man THOMAS EDWARD, Associate of the
Linnrcan Society, and souter in Banff ; a story to bring tears
into the eyes, and to fill the heart with sadness and gladness : a
story to make those who read it better, humbler, and gentler, and,
above all, more thankful to the Great Father of All, who can so
mysteriously teach and guide, strengthen and lead up one of the
humblest of his children, from eleven years of age till sixty-three
an earner of distressful bread at a cobbler's stool with an average
waje of nine. shillings a-week.
THOMAS EDWARD has lived two lives. There was first the humble
life of the hardly brought up son of a poor weaver ; scholar, now
and then, for brief spells, of brutal dominies ; next apprentice of
a drunken ruffian ; then toiling bread-winner for a brave and tme
wife, and a well-reared family of eleven children. This was the
man who helped himself.
But side by side with this life he was living another of com-
munion with the wonderful works of God, who took upon himself
this part of his teaching, instead of the dominie with his taws and
cane ; binding him apprentice to nature, instead of drunken CHARLEY
BEGQ in the Gallowgate'; and after his days of sordid stooping over
uppers and twitching at waxed-ends, giving him nights of wonderful
intercourse with all living things ; appointing him "thebeasties"for
books, and the silent hours of darkness for his school-time ; and holes
in dykes, or bields under stone walls, or bits of crumbling ruin, for
his school-rooms. This was the man helped of God.
If you want to know how THOMAS EDWARD lived those two lives
side by side, helping himself manfully under the heavy burdens of a
poor man among poor men, and letting God help him wonderfully,
in gathering wide and rare knowledge of plants and beasts, birds,
and creeping things, fishes, and crabs, starfishes, and molluscs,
till he was able to add new chapters to the great book of natural
science, and.to teach teachers, and win honour from renowned Natu-
alists, and was, at length, made an Associate of the most famous
FBBBUAUY 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
39
EXTREME MEASURES.
Polite PoxhunUr. " Bur WHY WON'T YOU LET us HELP YOU OUT ?"
Lady in tlie Ditch. " OH, DEAR ! I AM FIFTEEN STONK WITHOUT THE MOD !
DO, PLEASE, fKND FOR A ROPE I
of their societies, you. will find the story told fully and feelingly
in MB. SMILES' Life of a Scotch Naturalist, published.by JOHN
MURRAY.
And you will read, too, how close work at the cobbler's stool by
day, and wandering and watching and lying out by night, wrestlings
with winter's winds and frosts, drenchings with rain, wettings from
seas, tumbles from cliffs, with long fastings, and spare "fare, at best,
of oatmeal cakes and water, played havoc with a strong body, so that
at sixty-three, THOMAS EDWARD is an old and crippled man.
In the same book is told the touching story of this man's loneliness
and disappointments : how, under the pinch of hard times, he had,
again and again, to sell the collections he had so laboriously made,
which he straightway set to making over again, like ROBERT BRUCE'S
spider ; and how the prophet, honoured as he was by wise and famous
men far away, was not honoured in his own country Banff bailies,
and Banff bodies, and Banff souls, being too high or low to see the
poor souter, bowed over his work, and so lower still.
But you will not read in the book for that came after it
was written how the QUEEN and LORD BKACONSFIELD, having
read the story of THOMAS EDWARD'S life, were moved by a common
thought to put THOMAS EDWARD on the Pension List for a modest
fifty pounds a year, so that for the rest of his life he may give
himself wholly to the reading of God's Book of Creation, without
being a burden to the children who have been true and helpful
stays to him thus far. For among THOMAS EDWARD'S other
good gifts from God, is a good and wise wife, and they have bred
good bairns. And so Punch takes leave of THOMAS EDWARD in
harbour at last ; and, lifting his hat, and holding out his hand
to this stout-hearted and rarely-endowed man, craves leave as the
highest honour should come the ; latest to offer this hit tribute of
respect after Prime Minister and QUEEN.
ECCLESIASTICAL OCCLUSION.
THE Church of St. James, Hatcham, has been shut up. So has
the Incumbent. Serve him right, till he consents, by shutting his
month, to open his prison.
DOUBTFUL AFFINITY.
" Alcohol ha so great an affinity for water lhat it is only by the greatest
care that the chemist can obtain it absolutely pure."
" The Science of Alcohol."- ECHO.
EBRIOSUS, loquitur.
ALC'HOL 'finity warrer ? Stuff ! Can't he !
Don't hie ! b'leave it ! All pure fiddle 'dee !
Just fancy Alc'hol yearning for the Pump,
Like some half-mad T'totaller on the stump !
' 1 tiklus ! Pooh ! Alc'hol got more Spirit 'n that.
What ? Chemist chap can't part 'em '( What a Hat !
Shee ! Here'sh Brandish and there' sh warrer ! Wonder
Where' sh the trouble keep them two ashunder ?
Here goesh Brandish, there stops Warrer ! Why
They both sheem quite contented. Sho am I.
I don't believe they 've any more affinity
Than has a Derby Dutch-doll for divinity,
Eh? Sciensh proves it ? Hie! Who'sh Sciensh ? A Blow
Sciensh ! What d'ye mean by C,H,,0 ?
Whash that prove ? Eh ? Mere Alphabet gone mad.
Bother your symbolsh ! Stick to facts, my lad.
Some new dodge of WILFRID LAWSHON'S. What !
Brandish. Alcohol, and Warrer ? Rot !
I lovesh Brandish, and hatesh Warrer Y Mir 'em ?
Haven't done so for yearsh, Shir ! Guess that nicks "em.
Here 's lots o' warrer lately all about.
Best take in Brandish to keep Warrer out.
Sciensh 's crackjaw gibberish all a cheat.
Here ! Mary ! Nurrer go o' Brandish, neat !
NO DANGER TO SHAK8PEARE.
NBW Quecn'i Theatre reading of a line; in Macbeth, Act iv.,
Scene 1 :
" For none of woman-Biorn shall harm Macbeth."
40
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1877.
MR. PUNCH'S
No. IV. JOHN KEMBLE
CELEBRITES
CHEZ ELLES.
SIDDONS SLOGGER, IN GARRICK STREET.
WE stand at a carre-
four in the : heart
of a mighty city.
A quiet, old-
fashioned quarter
with "sets" of
picturesque street-
pieces and wings.
A many- windowed
club-house, full of
wits and wags,
and (at Yuletide)
good Christmas
cheer. Here, a
shop with quaint-
ly conceived card-
board animals sus-
pended on elastic
strings, and dan-
cing nimbly to
silent mus'ic
There, a many-
gabled dwelling,
that might have
served good QUEEN
BESS for a villa, in the days -when young WALTEE RALEIGH was ignorant of
potatoes, and had never smoked tobacco. A sleepy, glaring, sun-stricken
street in the summer, and in the winter a desolation of ice and rain and snow.
A short cut for the lonely hansom," dashing from cumbered Cqvent Garden to
renewed Leicester Square those " Fields," where man of wit and pleasure
met man, rapier to rapier, in the days gone by. A very new street, and yet
an old one. The very place for an actor's dwelling full of old memories, with
many a good tap and cosy tavern within easy reach, and boasting a name that
wears the crown of histrionic art. It is in this street of weird fancies and
rich stage associations that J. K. S. SLOGGEB has pitched his tent. Many years
ago, when he was struggling as a provincial Hamlet, he was content to be
bounded in an attic, but now, in the full glow of success (when his usual terms
are half the gross receipts and a clear benefit), he rents a flat. Few of those
who gaze at the six .windows of his rooms, guess that behind those costly
curtains of lace, lives the Great Actor of the day, in a very museum of dramatic
art. And yet so it is. SLOGGER is too comprenensive an artist to be fetterec
by the conventional "lines of business." He is a tragic comedian, or a comic
tragedian as the case may be. Not only is his heart in his art, but (and let the
sneering world mark this well), his art is in his heart ! A hard saying to
Cockneys, and yet a true one.
JOHN ItEMBLE SIDDONS SLOGGEB is an actor first, and then, after due interval
a man. He scorns the modern school, with its cup-and-saucer quietude anc
its drawing-room ease. He hates the mere gentleman actor's tone and morning
dress in good society with the high and holy hatred of the ideal artist of the
His present and future lie in the past. To him tradition holds high
rule over grovelling, prosaic nature. For more than thirty years, he wil
tell you with pride, no one has heard him speak in a natural voice. The waitei
who takes his order for dinner, in eating-houses where he is a stranger, shrink
back, appalled, at his question of when the joint is in the best cut, and tremble
when he alludes to vegetables. A terribly gloomy man, with short hair and a
long black moustache. Partial friends declare that his tragedy is perfectly
awful ; and impartial critics insist that his comedy is more awful still. An awe
inspiring, attention-wearying man, and yet a man with a heart worth it
weight in gold and precious stones. Let an appeal be made to him in th
sacred name of charity, and all he asks is that he may have the best part, n
rivals near his throne, and, above all, his name printed at the head of the bi
in letters at least two feet long. These simple conditions complied with, an
his support is easily secured.
Let us look at this great good man at home. Let us ascend the stairs an
enter his suite of rooms. If we will only listen while he rifles his rich store
anecdotes, we may make sure of a welcome.
A simple unpretending hall, with tables bearing ormolu clocks, plate
goblets, and imposing double-silvered coffee-pots. Once TINSEL was
manager, and these are the testimonials presented to him by his grateful en,
ployes. That tarnished Tea-set represents the respect of fifty Ballet Gir^
who mulcted themselves for its purchase of five shillings a-piece out of average
weekly salaries of under a pound. That showy pair of Candlesticks is a proof
(at the instigation of the Stage Manager) of the hearty good-will of seven-and-
twenty Stage Carpenters, Gas men, and Supernumeraries. TINSEL may
well prize these testimonials, for there is not one of them that does not repre-
sent a scanty salary made more scanty, and a ,poor home reduced to greater
poverty, to do him honour.
A passage leads from the hall to the sanctum. In this passage is a mighty
cupboard full of brown-paper-covered books. These books are tied up and
addressed to J. K. S. SLOGGEU, Esq., at various Theatres Royal. "When SLOGGEE
takes his annual tour, pieces pour in upon him by the score and by the
undred. Sucking SIIAKSPEARES and sprouting SHKKI-
ANS send their choicest works to him, hoping that those
orks will be perused, hoping that those works will
arry their authors on to the boards of Drury Lane, and
nto the highest niches of the Temple of Fame. Their
nd is in SLOGGER'S passage cupboard.
As his visitor enters the sitting-room, SLOGGER rises,
fetches forth his hand with a graceful wave, and bows,
hen he seizes two chairs by their backs, drags them
orward into the centre of the room, motions to his guest
o seat himself, and produces a set of folio volumes full
f newspaper cuttings. For hours and hours he will,
dth a kindly defiance of fatigue, read you notices of
is own performances. While he reads, let us look round.
A room full of " properties." Here a gilt table laid out
ith a papier mache banquet ; there an old clock point-
ng for ever to ten minutes past nine. Over yonder a can-
as light-house belonging to a sensation drama. Chairs
ind tables of all styles and periods, and a portion of a
ransformation scene. A real cab, and a profile train
hutting up like a telescope. That cab was the saying of
, domestic drama, and yonder train (a "ter-rain," as
ILOGGEE pronounces it once made the fortune of a ' ' scene
f real life." When SLOGGEK retired from management,
ie'*secured these properties. Some of them are still
useful. In the provinces he occasionally stoops from
HAKSFEARE to authors of more modern date. When
e ' does so he sometimes finds it useful to be able to
upply a clock for the Corsican Brothers, or a light-
louse for the Turn of the Tide.
Yes ; this is indeed an artist. Ask him what he knows of
is contemporaries, and he will tell you, with that candid
elf-absorption which belongs togemus,_ "Nothing." The
lead he praises heartily, because, egotistical as a child,
ike all true artists, his world is himself. His acting, ho
idmits may be like nothing in nature. Why should it
)e ? It is acting. That the ideal is the goal in his Art,
le informs you with pardonable pride not the real. His
lope is that the Government will one day awake to a
sense of. its responsibilities to the Drama, and found a
National Theatre, with Tradition at its base and SLOGGEE
at its apex. " Then, and not Itill then," as he sadly re-
marks, " there will be a hope for the Stage." " For the
present, Sir," he adds, " what with this absurd cry for
Nature,' and this gross craving after ' realism,' they
lave knocked the Art of Acting out of time either
'orced the true Tragedian into the Provinces, or humi-
lated him to the degradation of opening the Pantomime
season at the Lane! "
Look on SLOGGEB with respect. He is the relic of a
great past ; the surviving Mastodon of a generation of
mtediluvian Behemoths !
MIDHAT PASHA'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY
ON THE EASTERN QUESTION.
Air old Sack wants much patching.
There is a remedy for everything, could men but find it.
Flies are busiest about lean Horses.
He that deceives me once, it is his fault ; if twice, it
is mine.
God in the tongue, and the Devil in the heart.
A Rat may very ill plead law.
The Crow bewails the Sheep, and eats it.
The higher the Ape goes, the more he shows his tail.
The Cat would eat fish, but would not wet her feet.
Honsy is weet, but the Bee stings.
A Lion's skin is never cheap.
They that are booted are not always ready.
It needs a long time to know the world's pulse.
One Sword keeps another in the sheath.
He that does fight with silver is sure to overcome.
Bells call others, but themselves enter not into the
Church.
The early Bird catches the Worm.
By scratching and biting Cats and Dogs come together.
Threatened folks live long.
DHAGEEEABLE TRAVELLING.
Mas. GASIP lately had a patient under her care, whom
she proclaims to all her acquaintance as the most won-
derful of travellers. " Yes, indeed, my dear, he tell
me he 've been twice through the Sewage Canal ! "
:'., 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
ABOVE PARNASSUS.
Mr DEAR MB. PUNCH,
"f the- assurance
inspired by j'our in-
variable kindness to
the humblest mem-
bers of the Great
Republic of Letters
1 am emboldened to
address you on a
subject very near
to my heart. For
many years it lias
been my ambition to
become a dramatist,
but 1 have hitln rt<i
lacked "inven-
tion." My dialogue
is considered, by
many most Influen-
tial friends, to be
above praise. To
quote one of them
" Good is not the
word for it." I be-
lieve I have struck
upon a vein at last.
\Vithout transla-
ting from the
French, without
rushing to the Cir-
culating Library,
I think I can get a
framework for my
plots. Recently, a
gentleman of great
literary ability (of course you remember False Shame, a very clever comedy*)
has turned to SHAKSPKARK for a plot for an opera ; then why should I not go
[* Our Correspondent is perfectly right in this particular. False Shame was an excel-
lent piece. ED.]
to the same source for " the arguments " of my pieces ?
I have jotted down a few ideas, and shall be glad to
hear your opinion of them.
Hamlet. Capital notion for a comedy. Of course
I'li/i, niiia would pretend to be the ghost of Jlnnii'f'.i
father. Great fun might be got out of this. Scene in
England in the present day. All the killing naturally
would have to be cut out. Something might be done
with tho play-sceneamateur theatricals, you know?
Then end the piece with Gertrude's marriage, and get a
laugh out of the mistake of the pastry-cook in sending
the funeral baked meat* for the wedding-breakfast. By
the way, Uphi-lin'* ballads would, of course, have to be
worked into a " topical song " to airs of the day.
Othello. A domestic drama, with a happy ending. I/iy
the scene of the piece during the last war, and make the
Moor a nigger. Turn Ingn into a female character, and
make him (or rather ! mima's mother --in-law.
The great situation at the end of the play should be Olhi //>
unable to get into bis house to murder his wife (ot
he should DO tipsy at the time), because he can't find the
hole in tin 1 lock for his latch-key. Catsio, Srabantio,
and Ktiderign should be worked up into one character.
Merchant of Venire.- Obviously a modern comedy.
The character of Shyliick should all'ortl opportunities for
a number of happy hits at the extortionate rate of
interest charged by West-End usurers. 1'nrtin would be-
come a " Woman's Rights " person. Great fun could be
got out of the Court Scene, which should rival the one
in MB. ARTHUR SULLIVAN'S operetta. Trial by Jury.
The above are merely specimen schemes, and the list
might be extended to almost any length.
Apologising for troubling you, I now lay down my
pen, and humbly sign myself
Yours most sincerely,
The Oaks, Isle of Skye. BHAKSPEAHE, JUN.
A CHARMING ABRAT. (Before some of ROMNEY'S and
SIB JOSHUA'S Portraits of Pretty Darlings at Burlington
House.) How lovely are the Young Misses of the Old
Masters !
BURKS AND MEMNON.
FREQUENTERS of the Opera have heard a Statue sing. LORD
HOUOBTON, on unveiling the Image of the immortal BURNS, which
Glasgow has set up, to the credit of the citizens of that ilk, as well
as the Poet's honour and glory, thus elegantly suggested the possi-
bility of a singing 'Statue other than that of the celebrated Com-
mendatore. He said, referring to the Memorials of deities, heroes,
and tyrants, erected by the people of ancient Egypt :
" Among the most ancient monuments which attract the traveller in that
country is a colossal figure of a god or hero of tho name of MEMNON, of which
there is a strange and beautiful tradition. It was believed that by some
magical attraction and supernatural sympathy, the rays of the rising sun drew
forth at morning from the inanimate stone sounds of such exquisite music as
unarmed and entranced all who had the good fortune to be within the range
of the mortal ear. Now, Gentlemen, I have a fancy that the ardour of your
affections, and the light, of your imaginations, might almost draw from this
Statue a song of some hundred years ago -a strain of beauty that might go to
your heart of hearts."
a a recK, o' Maut." w hat lor no f Only fancy these
songs, sung by the Barns Statuo, and accompanied as it were by a
morning-song or skirl of the bagpipes. Wouldn't they, in really
o musical effect, surpass the singing of the Man of Marble that
comes to sup with Dun Juan f Would not BURNS bang both
iMEMxoy and MOZART P Punch respectfully puts the question to
his genial friend, PROFESSOR BLACKIE.
The Kirk to a Kintraman.
THE first of a' MAO ADAM'S clan
Whence cam' he ? TAM o' CHELSEA, say.
Dot o' Marino Ascidian,
Or Spawn o' Frog, or clarts o' Clay ?
Gospel o' Durt ye '11 na believe ?
Eh, TAMMIE, mon-ye 're awfu' wrang.
Is Dart na Clay ? Wow. TAM, I grieve
To think whar ye ore like to gang !
MONADS AND MASSES.
A Contribution to the Atomic Theory of Politics.
"I may say that in the transactions of the hist few years, we, the States-
men if I may use that term have learnt as much from the masses of the
people as the masses of the people have learnt from us." SIB STAFFORD
NOKTHCOTE at Liverpool.
EUREKA ! The look-out ahead is less dense ;
There is hope, after all, for the governing classes.
Our Statesmen, in search of some atoms of sense,
Have found, of late years, what they want in the masses,
Remembering Shipping and Slave Trade affairs,
One can hardly deny that SIR STAFFORD spake truly.
Yet Monads in office will give themselves airs,
And look down on Masses as blind and unruly.
SIR STAFFORD himself could austerely reprove
When he found Eastern policy did not content 'em.
'Tis plain if the Masses some Monads would move,
It must be by sheer dint of united momentum.
A Lion in Horsemonger Lane.
THE REV. MR. TOOTH has had to announce that there must be
some limitation to the crowd of people who rush to visit him in
prison. He finds himself at once a Confessor and a Lion at least a
Confessor in a Lion's skin. The multitude of disciples who keep
walking in to see this Ritualist Lion, suggests comparison between
themselves and those whose lot was cast in less pleasant days of
persecution, when the cry was " Christianas ad leonem ! "but the
Lion, then, had teeth and claws, and was free to use them.
ANOTHER IBON-CLAD GONE WRONG.
THE Shah arrived at Gibraltar with her piston-rods unfit for
service. If the Admiralty can't keep its own Rods in order, ought
not Parliament to have Rods in Pickle for it ?
FROBABLT.
WHO is "The Horrid Girl" we see advertised? Can it be
"Bella, Horrida Bella" t
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FfiBUUARY 3, 1877.
THEORY AND PRACTICE.
Aunt Mary. " WHY DON'T YOU BEAD, TOM, INSTEAD OF LOLLINO ABOUT 2" Turn. " 'GoT NOTHING TO READ 1"
Aunt Mary. "THERE'S YOUR FIRST PRIZE IN MONSIEUR JOLIVET'S FRENCH CLASS A MOST DELIGHTFUL BOOK 1 "
Tom. " HOW CAN I READ THAT' IT'S IN FRSNCB I "
NOBODY KNOWS.
JOKN BULL soliloquiseth on the state of his Fleet and the status of
the Engineer.
" One of the most intelligent, and probably the best, of naval critics tells
us that no one knows with any degree of thoroughness what use is made of
our Navy, how it is managed, or what it is worth ; but, so far as the limited
knowledge of the best informed enables any one to form an opinion, the pro-
bability is that all is wrong In MR. REED'S vigorous language, ' the
ship is a steam-being, and the only man who understands it, can work it with
safety, can control it efficiently, can use it, care for it, tend it, preserve it,
repair it, renew it, is the Engineer." The Engineer, the functions of the
Engineer, and the position of the Engineer, should beheld in honour; but,
in fact, ' he remains to-day almost precisely where he was twenty years ago
a snubbed, subdued, subordinated man, with a dozen officers put above him
to look down upon him.' "The Timea on Ma. BEBD'S Letter about "Naval
Administration.*'
So " Nobody knows ! " That 's remarkably pleasant I
A nice thing to learn at this late time of day !
A sweet game this Naval Blind, Hookey ! At present
I don't seem to relish my hand in the play.
Many millions I 've spent on the modern " Steam-being,"
You don't buy that sort of big toy for a song ;
And now 'midst my Critics I find none agreeing,
Except on one point that all 's probably wrong !
Nobody knows ? Well, those precious twin Titans
Have turned topsy-turvy our Naval Affairs ;
But are Iron and Steam a malign brace of Sheitans
To empty my purse and to fill me with scares ?
All that Steam-beings can do, or can't, in fair fighting,
Perhaps we shan't learn till the things come to blows.
But are mine trustworthy ? It 's somewhat affrighting
To find the sole answer is Nobody knows!
Nobody knows ! Years ago about fifty,
My Navy was tested. We found it " all there."
Since then all is new, and I haven't been thrifty
In paying since change was the call for my share.
The new Iron Pot puzzles me, I admit it.
Smart Science shouts " Progress ! " She 's right, I suppose.
But what 's the Pot worth, if 'gainst rivals I pit it ?
That seems a fair question, but Nobody knows.
Nobody knows ? Well, here 's REED, ex-Constructor,
A smart sort of chap and a dab at a yarn ;
Would fain through the dense Marine maze play conductor.
He knows the " Steam-being " from stem unto stern.
He, no doubt, feels that he should be sole supervisor,
With ample and ship-shape Reports year by year,
With a right to take henceforth for Naval Adviser
That much misused being, the Chief Engineer !
' Snubbed, subdued, and subordinate ?" Well, I 'd a notion
The Creature was certainly more cockahoop.
REED paints him as Ought-to-be Lord of the Ocean,
Head-boss of the steam-ship from fok'slo to poop.
He only can handle it, guide it, preserve it,
Whilst JACK, though a iolly and dauntless sea-dog
(Poor JACK sorely snubbed ! does he really deserve it ?)
Is shades of old Salts ! like a flat in a fog.
Well, they '11 want him to fi^ht I suspect notwithstanding.
He '11 maybe outlast all their huge devil's-gear ;
He 'stablished his status 'neath other commanding
Than that of our Crichton, the Chief Engineer.
But destiny 's stern ; if the new battle 's brunt
Must be borne by the handler of pistons and cranks,
Let him come to the fore as a fact we can't shunt,
And receive his reward in pay, honours and thanks.
Mine I 'm sure will be his if he '11 help to untangle
This horrible muddle called " Naval Affairs ; "
Make peace 'midst the critics who boggle and jangle,
And shut up swell duffers who give themselves airs.
A fleet that 's not phantom I claim for my money,
With ships not a terror to me but my foes.
But whenever I ask how I stand, it seems funny
To hear, for sole answer, that " Nobody knows ! "
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FKBRUARY 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
;
his late mission, accounting for
himself.
SIR, So many people have asked
why I was not at the Conference,
that I feel I must speak oxit, and own that, though lyou sent me, I did not go.
No, Sir. I am not one of your Pretenders (by whom you have of late been duped)
who take your money and write accounts of what never took place. Sir, I
meant going. I smoked Turkish pipes, I ate Russian caviare, and, in order to
he thoroughly up in the Great Eastern Question, I bought Great Eastern shares,
about which at the time there was a considerable question. Then I went in for
Circassian Pomade, night and morning, thus 'pouring oil on the troubled waters,
or rather putting grease or, what MB. GLADSTONE would call the " Hellenic
Factor " on my brain. I substituted Kurds for milk at breakfast-time. By
the way, why hasn't some enterprising hairdresser invented a pomade, and
called it the " Hellenic Factor," with a dedication to MR. GLADSTONE ? There 's
the idea, and no extra charge r I sent for my true and tried friend, PEGGUL BET
(who is now undergoing the shrimp-cure at a favourite watering-place), and in
order that the Russian interest should be represented equally with the Turkish,
I dropped a line to dear old GENERAL SN-EZANUFF KOKFITOFF, who has been
laid by the heels ever since November with a severe cold, which has prevented
his seeing anyone even his creditors, whose attentions during his illness have
been unremitting.
Well, Sir, we three started for the Conference. Poor SNEZANFFF KORFITOFF
only got as far as Charing Cross, when he suddenly exclaimed, in Russian
"Hallo! I've forgotten my pocket-handkerchief!" and disappeared, with
seedy-looking individual close at his heels probably somebody who had found
the missing mouchoir. PEQOTJL BET, who had got a box of shrimps with him,
which he takes like voice-lozenges, blenched at the sight of the sea, turned pale,
and turned tail. He went back to his shrimp-cure, while I boldly stepped on
board the steamer, and gaily bade adieu to the smashed pier of Dover and the
white cliffs of Albion.
On arriving in Paris I received a telegram' from my private French
Secretary, who always travels in advance with my things for to-morrow night.
" Encore uite bonne Conference alle tort." What could I do ? Nothing. Sol
waited in Paris expecting the return of the handsome SALISHUBT (as we gay
dogs call him to distinguish him from " Salisbury Plain ") who would, of course
take Paris on his way and tell me all about it. This, Sir, is how I came to find
myself in the gay city, where the present " Occupation of Paris" is to go to
the theatres, the weather not permitting much lounging in the Elysian Fields,
or promenading up and down the Bulwarks of the Italians. Once more I roared
_._-. Margots (musique
de GBISART). yet, at all events, I yielded to the charm of PESCDABD'S voice and
manner, and again bore testimony to the excellence of the ensemble which would
have triumphantly carried a far worse piece than Le Trois Margots.
Opcras-buuffes are a French specialite. But, Sir, I did not waste my time
in trifles li^ht as air, but I went to assist at Un Drame au Fond de la Mer, in
five Acts, six Tableaux, now being played at the Theatre Historimte. A most
exciting play. Situr Ikginald, a paralysed English Baronet, malting a voyage
on board the Washington (I think), with two millions-worth of diamonds in a
small box, goes with the wreck, his wife and the box, to the bottom of the sea.
An engineer (James Norton), and an officer of the French Marine, Henry de
Sartene, rivals for the hand of Mees Emily, the orphaned
daughter of Stew Reginald, quarrel violently on board
tiif iii-i'at Eastern, and both descend, habited as divers,
to look after the cable which has come to grief. They
are accompanied by one Karl, a thorough-paced scoun-
drel, who having ascertained the exact locality of these
diamonds, lias determined to possess himself of the two
millions. The stene on board the Ureat Eastern is ad-
mirably contrived. Then the divers f?o through nine
changes of tableaux, all capitally managed and most
i-ll'i i tivi' until tli<-y arrive at the bottom of the sea. Here
we find Mii'in- Itujjitalil, his wife, and the crew in a high
state of preservation, looking uncommonly like MADAME
TCSSAUD s figures, but none the less awful on that account.
Karl makes for the diamonds, Henry de Sarti'ne, one of
the engineers above mentioned, rushes as fast as the
diving dress and helmet will let him, at Karl, who,
seizing a hatchet, cuts Henry de Sartene's wind-pipe,
that is, I mean the air-bag, or whatever it is that gives
the diver the necessary supply of air. A terrific act this,
and down comes the curtain to shouts of applause.
After a long entr'acte, we return, to find ourselves in
England at least, as the place is not named in the pro-
gramme, I suppose it must be England, because the
hrst person who walks on into a dingy, official-looking
room is " un policeman," a stiff, red-whiskered personage,
in a queer sort of helmet, Berlin gloves, and a dark-blue
long-tailed coat of a very ancient pattern. Four other
policemen bring in James JVor-TON, who is accused of the
murder of Henry de Sarti'ne. The evidence, which is
given chiefly by the villain Karl, is dead against the
unfortunate James Nor-Toir. whose case is heard in pri-
vate by the Coroner, an elderly gentleman, stern, but
occasionally humorous, with a comic clerk, who gets the
laughs when the Coroner doesn't.
James Norton is committed, and is about to be led off
by the four policemen, when the crowd, which has been
"heard without," groaning and hooting, is suddenly
admitted (so as to make an effective termination at the
end of the scene, and to bring the Coroner to the front
again, as his part has been getting a trifle flat by this
time), and rushes fiercely towards James Norton, who is
at this moment in imminent danger of being torn from
the four policemen, and subjected to Lynon law. At
this juncture the Coroner, still humorous, though firm
and resolute, pulls from his pocket a sort of conjuror's
black wand, ^tipped at both ends with ivory (exactly
what ROBERT HOUDIN used to have), and bids the surg-
ing crowd retire " au nom de la hi! "
But the Coroner, having once got into the drama, is
not so easily got rid of as the mere letting down of a
curtain implies. Not a bit of it. The crowd finds out
that Karl, and not James Norton, is the real murderer,
and out comes 'everybody policemen and all on the
rocks to catch Karl, and Lynch -him.
They are on the point "of seizing the unhappy wretch
(by the way, no murder has been committed after all, for
Jffflri/ turns up safe and sound, but this is a detail),
and doing for him effectually then and there, when the
humorous Coroner suddenly, but quietly, appears from
behind a rock where he has apparently been sitting in
evening dress, and without a hat all in the cold, waiting
for this opportunity of coming out strong at the last
and presents his ivory-tipped; wand, whereat the crowd
again quails, and Karl himself is so staggered, that
losing his presence of mind, he runs up a platform at the
back, jumps over, and finishes his part in the drama.
Seeing this termination to the affaire, the Coroner
makes the best of it by taking a humorous view of the
situation, and indulging in a professional joke to the
effect that " f instruction " need not proceed any fur-
therfor much the same reason that Puff gives for the
Beefeater's not going on with the speech commencing
" FarewelL brave Spaniard," &o. because [the body has
walked off. The audience took the idea, and in spite
of all the spectacle and all the horrors, and all the in-
terest, the triumph of the night was with the Coroner.
After this, oysters of Marennes and other delights at the
Cafe Riche.'and this is why I didn't go to the Con-
ference but remain,
Ever faithfully,
A NEW READING, BT REED. Deus ex Machine The
Naval Engineer.
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FEBRUARY 3, 1877.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
THE FLOODS IN THE COUNTRY.
Swell (reproachfully). " HAW, I DON'T CALL THIS DWY SUEWWY!"
NO WONDER, SIR! MASTER SAYS HE C*N'T KEEP NOTHINK DRY THIS
WATER IN OUR CELLAR ! "
Waitress.
WEATHKK !
AN'
THERE'S Two FKE'T o'
" WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE ASKED."
A CERTAIN Irish Advocate of great learning and high repute having declined an
appointment before it was offered .to him, the following refusals are hourly expected :
Sin WILKRID LA u SON- to he President of the Licensed Victuallers' Association.
KB. \\ IIALLEY to be Chairman of the Catholic Union of Great Britain.
The RET. A. TOOTH to be Editor of the Rock and the Record.
< URINAL MANNING to be President of the Church Union.
MR. HOLMS, M.P., (Glasgow and Hackney) to be Inspector-General of the Militia.
MAJOR GORMAN to be Patron of the Peace Society.
Miss KUODA BROUGHTON to be Editress of the Sunday at Home.
MR. FREEMAN to be Hon. Secretary to the Stafford House Fund.
AIK. GLADSTONE to be Chairman of the Committee of the Carlton Club.
5EACONSFIKLD to be a Member of the Parliamentary Committee of the Reform.
MR. ROBERT LOWE (Statesman and Bicy
clist), to be President of the Four-in-Ham
Club.
MR. WILLIAM SIXES (Newgate and Dart-
moor), to be Patron of the Society for the
Protection of Women.
" PRINCE VON BISMARCK to be Treasure:
of the Peter's Pence Society.
The KINO OF DAHOMEY to be a Cor
responding Member of the " Aborigine
Protection Society.
MESSRS. MOSES AND SON to be the Pub
lishers to the Poet I<aureat.
TDs. KKNEALY to be Lord Chancellor.
MR. BEADLAUOH to be 'Private Secretary
to the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY.
DR. SLADE to be a Fellow of the Roya
Society.
MR. ODOER to be Garter King-at-Arms.
And last, but not least, MR. BUTT, Q.C.
M.P., to be Lord Chief Justice of England
Knight of the Garter, Lord Chamberlain
Commander of the Channel Fleet, Super-
intendent of the Zoological Gardens. Cap
tain of the Cantalia, Earl Marshal, Here
ditarv Grand Falconer, and Constable o
the Tower.
WOMAN'S WORK.
(A Snarl by a Sexagenarian Cynic.)
SOMEBODY a Woman probably has, :
am told, been writing a novel entitled, ^
Woman' Work in the World. I could sum
it up in less than three volumes. As follows
In Literature. At once to emasculate
and to corrupt. To oscillate between gross-
ness and gush. To dribble reams of feebly
trickling verse and insipid or very full-
flavoured fiction. To embody vice as a
preposterous chimera, and virtue as i
goody-goody bore ; passion as a scented
swell, and principle as a plausible prig.
In Art. To paint pretty-pretty, to com-
pose namby-pamby, and perpetuate the
modish and the monstrous.
In Science. To dabble in the dirtiest
waters, to push crude crotchets to absur-
dity, to be amateurs in Atheism and smat-
terers in statistical scepticism.
In Politict. To discuss upon the house-
ipps subjects which men shrink from hand-
ing in private rooms.
In Religion. To patronise the Gospel
according to Le Folfet, and worship their
pet fetish, La Mode, at a High Church
Altar.
In Society. To spend money and dis-
figure their persons, patronising all that is
absurd, unbecoming, unhealthy, and ex-
pensive, especially if it involve incidental
cruelty.
At Home. Women have now no work at
lome.
This, I, SYLVESTER SNAHLEYOW, main-
tain is a compendious statement of
Woman's Work in the World " now-a-
lays. Those whose conduct chiefly justi-
ies it, will be the first to dispute its
ruth. At any rate, it would be true, to
he letter, if they had their way.
TINKLING BRASS.
DR. KENEALY, in his address to his Con-
tituents at Hanley, declares that the only
frievance the Servians have to complain of
s being robbed of their Bells. The Doctor
ught not to talk lightly of the loss of these
intinnabulary appendages. What, for in-
tance, would his own cap be without them ?
THE EASTERN QUESTION AT PRESENT.
What next ?
43
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1877.
HARMLESS LUNATICS.
N the Council
of the Charity
Organisation So-
ciety a Special
Committee was
some time ago
appointed to con-
sider and report
upon a parti-
cular branch of
social 'scientific
improvement,
which may be
styled Colney-
Hateh Reform.
That Committee
has, accordingly,
issued a Report
the "Education
. Care of Idiots,
Imbeciles, and Harm-
less Lunatics." Doc-
tors may doubt the
existence of any luna-
tics who are not dan-
gerous ; but indeed
t lie number of lunatics,
harmless in so far as
that the little harm
they do affects only themselves, is very great. The population of
Lunatic Asylums represents Ibut' comparatively few of these harm-
less lunatics. The majority of them are at large, unlocked after,
and they abound. They labour under a great variety of invincible
delusions and fixed ideas. To specify some of the more pro-
nounced types, for instance, the following may be enumerated
amongst tolerably Harmless Lunatics :
Lunatics who pass their time in trying to discover perpetual
motion, and the quadrature of the circle.
Lunatics continually publishing pamphlets to show that the earth
is flat ; but only showing themselves to be so.
Lunatics who devote themselves to tulip fancying, or any other
fancy which occupies their whole minds, crockery fanciers, collectors
of useless objects, worth no more than the effaced postage stamps
collected by young Lunatics.
Lunatics who believe in and practise Astrology and Spirit Rapping
seriously, and not with an intelligent intent to defraud.
Lunatics with a theological craze, who cannot see that their
dogmas are matters of opinion.
Lunatics who are in the habit of taking quack medicines of whose
composition they are ignorant, and who do not know whether or no
what they suppose to be is really the matter with them.
Lunatics who, without the necessary knowledge of what they are
about, gamble on the Stock Exchange and the Turf.
Lunatics who invest their money in risky speculations ; who
believe puffing prospectuses of Bubble Companies, and apply for
shares to Directors, and remit cash to them, when they do not know
them not to be rogues.
Lunatics, of both sexes, who go to evening parties a little before
midnight and dance in a vitiated atmosphere until sunrise.
Lunatics who, in these times of high prices, expecting to live in
comfort, and maintain appearances, marry upon less than the cer-
tainty of a thousand a year, and the prospect of indefinitely more.
Lunatics who, when anybody, whose name is unlucky enough to
suggest a self-evident pun, happens to be going the round of the
newspapers, write letters to Mr. Punch, each of them containing
the same pun on the name of the same person.
But besides these Lunatics, not contemplated in the Report of the
Charity Organisation Society's Committee, there are others, Lunatics
recognised as such, but 'perfectly harmless. They are computed to
amount to only 35,963 in England and Wales. These unfortunates
are capable of being improved in various degrees, and to some
extent utilised. To these ends they require express treatment
and training ; especially separation from poor creatures similarly
afflicted, whose cases are hopeless. Hence, upon new buildings for
their proper accommodation, a need of outlay. Such expenditure
will ultimately prove economy. The Committee recommend that,
the expense for the poorer class of Harmless Lunatics. " should
be defrayed out of the rates, with assistance out of the public
revenue," and that a voluntary system should be adopted for those
of the Middle, and a semi- voluntary one for those of the lower
Middle and upper Artisan Classes.
The requisite provision for Harmless Lunatics will ask both
legislation and personal bounty ; and those who have a voice in the
former, and can afford the latter, if they wish to see what Organisa-
tion is proposed for that purpose, should read the Society's Report,
to be had at MESSRS. LONGMANS for the small sum of one shilling.
The scheme therein particularised will not cost so very much to
carry out. It is not as though it comprised the unrecognised Harm-
less Lunatics going about in Society. _ How many and spacious
Asylums would be necessary to contain these numerous, and,
alas ! in most cases, hopeless, but happily, as a rule, unconscious
sufferers !
AN IRISH PROFESSOR IN HIS (BARBER'S) CHAIR.
is the Land of Eloquence, where the very " praties," as
an advertisement in the Irish Times lately informed us, " speak for
themselves." Hair-dressing has always been an eloquent profession,
From the days of the Roman tonsor to those of Figaro. Perhaps
it was in complimentary allusion to this in the Green Isle that the
old Irish way of cutting a head of hair was called a "glib." Of all
glib-tongued Irish tonsors, Punch does not know that he ever
encountered a glibber specimen than the worthy who, in a handbill
[ately sent to Punch by one of this gifted hair-cutter's garrison
customers, describes himself as
PROFESSOR DANIEL O'CONNELLY (late FREDERICK LEXEX, New
Market, Sheffield), Hair Dresser and Perfumer, Train-Atlantic and Cosmo-
politan Clipper, Comber, Bruslier, and Dresser to all Fashions for Ladies and
3entlemen."
The Professor then goes on, enthusiastically if ungrammatically
"Hair Dressing for its Beauty and Growth, the Professor wishes to see
Horizontal Eyes and perpendicular work, and not to have Hair Cut like the
Bashabazouks, or like as if the Gorilla was operating, but the Gorilla has not
got the Hypoeompus Miner. Get Scientific Work that will Kefresh the Cer-
rumbellutu of the Cranium, and promote its Growth."
After which earnest exhortation, he signs himself
"Yours, Gentlemen, PROFESSOR O'CONXELLY, Garrison Hair Dresser,
Razors Set, Diamond Edge, ia Fine Order for use, at his .Residence, Queen
Street, Athlone."
But the Professor, once mounted on the diamond-edge pf his own
razor-like wit, cannot sa easily get down again. He continues
The Professor does not like to see Bulsheen Catting, or what MOLLY gave
the Cabbage, a good Chopping."
Then, rising to rhyme
But if you wish to have a shave,
I 'm sure to make your ctiin,
As free from every rib of hair,
As any brand new pin.
" And if you want to have a dye,
You won't have much delay,
I'll make your head as handsome
As the Turtlue Bird in May.
" For I can curl hair so neat,
And with such cunning h and
You'd really think the head was one
Quite fresh from fairy land .
" And I can frizzle, shringle, prune,
And do so with such art ;
That but to gaze up an my work
Would gladden auy heart."
As it evidently does gladden his heart, who, for the third and las t
time, signs himself
'Yours, Gentlemen, PROFESSOR, O'CoNXELl.Y, Hair Dresser to the
Students of the Queen's College."
We thank PROFESSOR CONNELLY for his additions at once to the
English Fauna and the technical vocabulary of Plococosmology.
The Turtlue Bird is worthy to perch on the crest of the Jabber wock,
and we chortle in our joy over the prospect of having our hair
"shringled"!
A Long Pull and a Strong Pull.
OUB stout Archdeacon stood forth to declare,
If TOOTH to gaol went, he 'd himself go there ;
If that Archdeacon really speaks the truth,
Issue the writ, and draw a double tooth !
OF TWO HEADS, WHICH ?
(In the United States.)
THAT question must be answered before March. It remains, as
an intelligent Nigger, writing to us, remarks, " In a Haze till den."
ERRATUM.
AN Anagram on "The REVEREND ARTHUR TOOTH," printed, in
Punch for January 20, "Not the road to her Truth "should have
run, " Never the road," &c.
FEBRUARY 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
49
SPECULATION.
Pi mi Cily Man. " DROPPID UPON ANTTHINQ GOOD LATELY, BROWN ? "
Second ditto. " WLI, I 'VK INSURT> TN TH ' ACCIDENTAL,' AHD TAKEN
TWENTY RINK TICKETS, AND BOUOHT A BICYCLE I I "
A.\ APPEAL FOE THE ALPHABET.
(From an Alarmed t'ontercatire.)
"It it unfortunate that a language with luch power and
prospect! as the English should hare so disordered an Alphabet,
which has bun tinuwn into utti-r confusion by the attempt tc
keep up Kngli-h and French spelling ia it at once. At present
two millions of English-speaking children come up for educa-
tion annually, and waste from one to two years of their educa-
tional life in mattering this abgurd puzzle, the cost of main-
taining which on thus hardly be Ivas than ten to twenty million-.
sterling a year, which would be saved by the use of a rational
Alphabet." E. B. TVLOK, on the fhilotoph;,
KM-UK.M our English Alphabet r 1 Good lack!
What won't these revolutionists attack ''
I fondly fancied that the A. U. C.
Was the fixed symbol of simplicity.
The one thing changeless, certain, strong, and stable,
Midst Innovation's universal Dubel.
Here TXLOB comes that A. B. C. to shake,
And prove our spelling one immense mistake.
What next may happen who '11 oblige by telling,
When Mutability snakes MATCH'S spelling '(
And who could slumber calmly in his bed,
The alphabet upset from A. to Z. P
" Ages of time and millions of money
Wasted in learning A. B. C. ? " That 's funny.
Can't say I quite accept the statement yet :
And as regards a " rational alphabet,"
Something, no doubt, new-fangled and phonetic,
My feelings I proclaim antipathetic.
1 always do suspect that low word " rational ;."
It smacks of BRADLAUOH and the International.
This oomes of Spelling Bees, and PITMAN'S views,
Cheap Dictionaries, and Fonetic Nuz.
Our forefathers were less fastidious. Why,
If MARLBOROUGII spelt wildly, may not I '(
The Rads are all for liberty. Their fad,
Applied to spelling, might not be so bad.
But here thev 'd bind us down to strictest rule :
Lawless in Church, they 're martinets at School.
Against thisE. B. TYLOR'S sly attack
Let all Conservatives stand back to hack,
And fight for our time-honoured A. B. C.
I 'm very sure it 's good enough for me.
RITUALIST BEAD-QUARTERS. Peter-sham.
HANGINGS FOE HOSPITALS.
MR. PUNCH has to notify and very much applaud a proposal for
practising a peculiar variety of that species of charity which consists
in clothing the naked the naked in this ease being the walls of
the London Hospital wards. By clothine them the sick and suffer-
ing' would be solaced. The dreariness of bare walls aggravates the
tediousnpss of long detention on a bed of pain. MR. J. LAW-
RENCE HAMILTON,' of 4,' Gloucester Terrene, Hyde Park, suggests
that thi might be'much mitigated by the introduction of .decorative
Art in Hospitals.
" I advocate (ho saysl the. brightening of the wards, and the cheering of
their inmates, bv the addition of suitable pictures, plates, bronzes, carvinfrs,
parquet floors, brir-a-hrtif, "Id armour, china, sculpture, ornamental clocks,
fancy glass, tasteful glazed tiles, and other Art decorations of all sorts."
Tt would bp t<v> much of a good thing to hang the walls of Hospi-
tals with arms figured with
" . . . . huntsmen, hawkes, and houndia,
And hart deere al ful of woundis."
Particularly as the tapestry would harbour the Norfolk Howards.
MR. BUCKLANP fears that any projecting decorations on the walls
of Hospitals would be objectionable, as likely to lodge dirt, or some
of its even'more unpleasant living accompaniments. He proposes to
substitute for them pictures painted upon or let into the walls
frescoes, or tiles, adorned with'encau8tic"paintingB, which could be
executed by Ladies.
' To promote this object (says MR. HAMILTON), I will give one hundred
juineas. provided that a thousand otlipr donors each subscribes an equal or
larger sum before the 1st of May, 1877."
MR. HAMILTON believes thnt, a responsible Committee being
formed to carry out his iden. MESSRS. KOBABTS, LfBBOCK, & Co.,
will act as bankers to the fund. In the meanwhile, he invite*
persons disposed to contribute thereunto by subscription or donation
to communicate with himself at the address above noted. Finally,
he expresses the hope that some public place will soon " be granted
as a provisional storehouse and exhibition for Art contributions pre-
vious to their distribution to the Hospitals of London." To that
hope Mr. Punch gladly gives all the publicity he can.
Why Some of TJa go Circuit.
By Ont of the BrirJUtt.
Member of the Utter Bar (perusing AsK'ze List}. Shall I go round
this time? Hum. Let mo see. "Muddeford" can get a day's
hunting there, I think. " Wandsbury " go over to the CHILSTONS
for Sunday, and have a jolly afternoon with LILT. "Swanston"
wouldn't do any harm to go and look up UNCLE GEOROE. " Lea-
mouth " excellent quarters at hotel there ; fair dinner, too.
"Deddingham" good murder case; shouldn't like to miss it.
Yes, I think I '11 go round as far as that, and get back to Town in
time for the Boat-race."
Too Bad.
DEAR OLD PUNCH.
Snt JOHN LUBBOCK makes some ants drunk, and then
charges the ants of the same hill with stupidity, because they don't
know their degraded comrades strain. How should they, when the
poor creatures were disguised in liquor ? Snt JOHN LUBBOCK should
be ashamed of himself, demoralising the till now respectable and
respected family of Formicee. Yonrg,
WILFRID LAWSOS.
NEAT.
AN R.A., boasting to Mr. Punch of the ready recognition of
rising merit by that body, quoted the case of OULESO, A.R.A. at
twenty-seven, and asked triumphantly, with some slight habitual
exasperation, " ' Ow could we have done more for him ? "
" 'Ow-lest f " answered Mr. P.
50
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 10, 1877.
NOTES FOR THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
If you find yourselves hesi-
;ating between your dinner
and your country, give your
country the benefit of the
doubt.
llein in your hobbies, forego
?our crotchets, suppress your
rievances, guard against
jersonalities, do not invest
,riftes with too much import-
ance, and above all watch the
clock.
Let us all hope that this
' Conference " on the banks
if the Thames will have a
tiappier issue than the one so
recently concluded on the
shores of the Bosphorus.
>l
SATISFACTORY to be able to open Parliament in person. The cream-coloured horses, State-Coach (re-gilt
and newly fitted up), Life-Guards, Beefeaters, and Cap of Maintenance, material supports to the stability
of a Constitutional Monarchy.
Observe that the time of meeting was appointed for a day in February as late as could with decency
be chosen. Trust, therefore, particularly as Easter falls early, that time will not be wasted in unprofitable
discussions and unproductive Motions.
Parliament shall be informed as soon as possible when the Easter recess will commence, and what will
be its duration a question of absorbing interest on which it is gratifying to know that perfect unanimity
of feeling exists.
Foreign affairs, and, towering above everything else, the giant Eastern Question, will occupy your
attention. Treat it with as much patriotic and as little party spirit as possible openly and straight-
forwardly, without bravado, mystery, or circumlocution, and with no reference to the retention or
acquisition of place and power.
The debut of the EARL OF BEACONSFIELD and the return of the MARQUIS OF SALISBURY will impart more
interest to the proceedings of the House of Lords than they ordinarily command at the commencement of
the Session. We shall all (including the Chinese Embassy and the Artists for the Illustrated Newspapers)
await the first appearance of the noble Earl, in the robes of a Peer, with the liveliest curiosity. Mr. Punch
has taken a hint from those rival conjurors, the GIRARDS, for a picture of LOUD B.'s first appearance on
his new stage.
The House of Commons will have a new Leader in SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE. It will be no surprise
if he acquits himself in that onerous and responsible position with credit and renown. He will need
encouragement and support; for as CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, his task is too likely to be difficult
and disagreeable. It is unfortunate that a Conservative Government and a cheerful balance-sheet can
hardly be looked upon as co-existent possibilities.
With regard to Legislative Measures, if you cannot advance, do not retrograde ; if you cannot go on
building, do not pull down. If it is the opinion of the majority that political and educational legislation
has been carried to the limits of safety, turn your attention to Social and Sanitary Improvements, and
thereby better the health and increase the comfort and happiness of millions.
If it is possible, prove to the country that it possesses a satisfactory Naval and Military force.
Reduce the risk of Hallway Accidents, and abate the disaster of destructive floods.
Pass a Burials Bill. Make more stringent regulations as to Vaccination.
Do not countenance jobs or favouritism.
The EMPRESS OF INDIA invites you to consider questions affecting that empire with greater earnestness
and larger attendances.
THE RIGHT WOMAN IN
THE RIGHT PLA.CE.
WE clip the following from
a well-known daily paper
TTNMANAGEABLE YOUNG
U LADIKS, and those requir-
ing attention, are RECEIVED by
a Lady of very great experience.
No limit as to age. Very high
references. Address, &c.
and commend it to the
guardians of the follow-
ing Ladies, who, if not all
"young," are at least "un-
manageable."
Miss MAT/D MATTLEVEREB,
sixth daughter of SIR GRAY
MAULEVERER, decayed baro-
net, who will not listen to the
suit of LORD TRENOODLE, but
E refers the hand of her cousin,
IEUTENANT CoCKLETOP of the
Juards, who has nothing but
lis pay and his debts, his love
'or unlimited loo and the turf,
and his taste for good wine,
food dinners, and good weeds.
Miss AURICOMA Fnz-
JEORGE, who has a good
igure, no voice, and no brains,
and who on the strength of
;hese qualifications undertakes
;he management of the De-
collete Theatre, under the
xitronage of the HON. LAUN-
;ELOT LOOSEFYSHE.
Miss BELINDA BASBLEU,
who, on the strength of pos-
sessing a largo inkstand , plenty
of " outsides," a faculty for
stringing together idiotic
rhapsodies, and a melancholic
;emperament, insists on
writing three-volume novels.
Miss Gussr GABY, who
persists in sending to "her
dear old Punch " that " quite
too awfully funny thing"
which her darling HUGH said
the other evening, the said
" funny thing " being about
as humorous as the whistle
of a railway - engine, re-
questing its return if not
accepted, but invariably for-
getting to enclose a stamped
and directed envelope.
BAR SILVER.
WHEN you 're tipping an
Eton Boy, or the Head Keeper
at a Great Battue House.
FEBRUARY 10, 1877.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
51
MODERN /ESTHETICS.
(Ineffable Youth goes into cestacies over an crirernely Old Master say, FRA POBCINELLO BABAKAOIANNO, A.D. 12661281 ?)
Matter-of- Fact Parly. " BUT IT'S SUCH A REPULSIVE SVBJZCT!"
Ineffable Youth. " ' SUBJECT' IN ART is op NO MOMENT! THE PICKTCBAR is BEAUTIFUL !"
Matter-of- Fact Party. " BUT YOU'LL own THB URAWI.VO'S VILE, AND THE COLOUR'S BEASTLY!"
Ineffable Youth. "I'M CDLLAH-BLIND, AND DON'T P'OFESS TO UNDERSTAND D'AWINO ! TBK PICKTCBAH is BEAUTIFUL!"
Mutt, r-of-Pact Party (getting warm). " BUT IT'S ALL ODT OF PSRSPSCTIVS, HANO IT! AND so ABOMINABLY UHTRUS TO
Ineffable Youth. " I DON'T CARE ABOUT NAYTCHAH, AND HATE PER8PECTIVB ! Tag PICKTCUAH is MOST BBAUTIFUL ! "
Jfatter-of-Pttft Party (losing all self-control). " BUT, DA.HH IT ALL, HAN! WIIEKE TBE DICKIKS is THE BSAurr, THEN?"
Ineffable Youth (quietly). " IN THE PIOKTCHAH I " [Total defeat of Matter-of-Fact Party.
HAWFINCH ON LADY-HELPS.
PHIL FIELDEB he farmed his own freehold estate,
And he 'd long thought o" lookun' about for a mate ;
But PHIL, though well-off enough zingle to bide,
"Wus afear'd 'toodn't run to the keep of a bride.
So high now the prizes of all things be rose,
And Ladies consooms sitch a kit & fine clo'es,
"Mongst e'en the small gentlefoks where you looks round,
There 'a few gals a standun' 'mid less nor twelve pound.
And zum can't do nothun' beyond zing and plaai,
And lollup and laze on a sofer all daai.
PHIL wanted a gal as could work nndergoo,
And demane herself greaseful and elegant too.
He went to the Hall on a Michaelmas Day,
Some rent for a bit of a holdun' to pay ;
When the Squire he axed PHILLTTP to stop there and dine-
In a plain way the famully party to jine.
There sat a gal next to 'n, drest nate but not gay,
As purty in pursun, as plain in array ;
Thinks Pirn,, " That ther maaiden 'a above my degree,
Or else she 'd be 'zackly the Missus for me."
When dinner was wauver, PHIL larn't from the 'Squire
Who was that swrate young gal in sitch quiut attire ;
" A poor Doctor's daater that sarvus ha' took,
'Twar she dressed the dinner ; that thare 'a our Head Cook.
" She 've got too much pride fur to marry fur bread ;
But she hain't above labour'n to earn it instead.
That thare 's our Lady-Help ; so now drink up thy wine."
Thinks PHIL to his self, " 1 shuld like her fur mine."
He wrote her a billy, gentale and purlite,
Whereunto she consented 'twur love at fust sight.
And so they got married without moor delay ;
And the 'Squire he wus willun' to gie her away.
Sarch the conn tree around, and you won't find a pair
As lades a moor happier life than them there.
She keeps his whoam tidy, and 'tends to his boord,
And his manes makes goo furdest good things to aifoord.
No doubt bnt she '11 bring up her daaters likewise,
To roast and to bile, and mcak' pudduns and pies ;
To rub, scrub, and polish, and wash, bake, and broow,
As every chap's wife should be yeable to do.
The lass for me 's her that can sweep out a room,
Not by wearun' a train, but by usun' a broom.
Lady- Helps and Fine Ladies comparun', I says,
Dirty work done wi' clane hands afoor dirty ways I
Now every young feller to wedlock inclined,
Thee look out a nawtable huzziv to find,
Fine Ladies, fandangoes, and tilligrees nee.
Thee 'st a Lady- Help find the best Helpmate for thee.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 10, 1877.
THE GENTLEMAN-HELP.
(Scene from a Drama of the Future.)
un stage represents
an elegantly-fur-
nished drairimj-
room, suggesting
the influence of a
Woman of taste.
The pictures on
the walls alone
reveal that the
owner is a self-
made man. MARIA
MUDOOLD dis-
cm-ercd pensively
regarding an ail
tut expiring fire.
Maria. Yes, yea
I can deceive my-
self no longer it
does need coal. And
yet how to ask him
I dare not, and
Oh ! I must see him
once again. (Jiings.) iiown, down paipiutuug ucai-iii Would' st betray thy
mistress ?
Enter FITZ-JEAITES, in a gorgeous livery, carrying a coal-scuttle.
Jeames (aside). She is alone. I must dissemhle. (Aloud.) Did yer please
to ring, Miss P
Maria (trembling). Yes no yes. The fire
Jeames. I see. It is going Aout. I 've brought the coals.
Maria (aside). How he seems to divine my every wish !
Jeames (putting down the scuttle clumsily ; with marked e a Deration}. Did
yer please to want anything Aelse, Miss ?
Maria (aside). I can restrain myself no longer. (Aloud.) \es, 1 want to
know why you are so unlike other Serving-men ; why it seems to you an effort
to misapply your aspirates and to throw grammar to the winds ; why your every
act anal word reveals the heart of a noble under the tawdry, livery of man-
Jeames (struggling icith his emotion). Do not ^ask me. Perhaps I came 'ere
as a Gentleman 'elp. Mind, I don't say I did. But if I did, why, then, I did.
Maria. Oh I do not trifle with me. For the last week I have marked you
through a flaw in the agreement for the lease you are
houseless penniless. And now, good Sir, my fee six
shillinrs and eightpence for my opinion.
Mudgold. Ruined and undone !
Jeames. Proceed! (Giving money to MB. SMITH.)
Here is your fee twice told.
Mr. Smith. These documents further prove that the
tenant in fee of this mansion, with the appurtenances,
is JAMES PLANTAGENET HENBT, sixteenth Earl of
Brompton and Islington.
Jeames. Behold him here !
Mr. Smith. My Lord ! [Kneels.
Mudgold. I will put everything into Chancery!
( Wildly.) You shall never have my daughter !
Jeames (sweetly). And why not ? Hove her she loves
me. Do you not, darling P (He takes the blushing ^MAHIA
to his arms.) We will T)e as happy as the day is long.
Your father, because he is your father, shall have untold
gold to play with on the Stock Exchange. As for us,
we will have a town-house, an opera-box, a'four-in-hand,
a moor, and a yacht. We will be waited upon by trained
servants. Ha ! ha ! No Gentlemen-Helps for me ! Your
every wish shall be anticipated. Do you like the picture ?
Mudgold (who has been consulting with the family
Solicitor, spreading out his arms). Bless you, my children !
(Rings.) Down, down palpitating heart !
Curtain.
Jeames (aside). A murrain on my thoughtlessness 1 Shall I never forget that
I once held a commission in the Militia !
Maria. And then, when my Father the Self-made Man, the Merchant Prince
Royal complained of your laziness in answering the dining-room bell, of your
awkwardness in opening the carriage-door in short, of your general inefficiency,
I saw the eloquent blood rush to your cheek, and your eyes flashed fire.
Surely surely you are not what you seem ?
Jeames. I am not. Away with disguise! I will no longer brook the mask !
You ask me why I enforce my tongue to play strange tricks with the Queen's
English, why I submit to insult when suddenly my unaccustomed fingers relax
their hold of red-hot plates, and angry guests turn scornful and angry eyes
upon me ; why I allow your father to tell me to my face that I am lazy and
awkward, and not worth my salt. You ask me, MAHIA, why I submit to all
this, and more ? Because 1 love you ! (MABIA stores.) Nay, hear me to the
end ! It is for thee I wear this o'er-laced coat, these humiliating plushes, the
powdered hair of servitude. It is for thee I stoop e'en to the carrying of coals,
with bent back and o'er-tasked lungs. It is for thee I bear ignominy and
insult, the jeers of the rough, the banter of the street-boy, contemptuous of my
calves. My secret is out. I love thee I [Falls at her feet, and seizes her hand.
Maria, Oh, what would Papa say ?
Mudgold (suddenly entering). Let him answer that question.
Maria. Father!
Jeames. The Master !
Mudgold. He would say " ungrateful girl low-born designing minion! "
Jeames (springing to his feet). I hurl the word back in thy teeth! Know,
ME. MTTBOOLD, that I am no longer your servant.
Mudgold. Then be off before I kick you out.
Maria. Oh, Father, unsay those cruel words!
Jeames. I will not go. I have a better right to stay here than you. If you
doubt my word ask ME. SMITH, the family Solicitor. See, he comes this way.
Enter ME. SMITH.
Mr. Smith. I have just dropped in to see if I can do anything for you to-day.
Jeames. You can; read this! (Gives him a large packet of law papers.)
Mudgold. What is your opinion ?
Mr. Smith (hastily glancing at the papers). These documents conclusively
prove that you, MB. MTTDOOLD, have no sort of right to this property. That
OUR NOVEL SERIES.
Editorial Preface addressed to the Public, which has at
all times shown itself ready and willing to encourage
rising talent in every department of Literature and
Art.
WE believe in the existence of mute, inglorious
Miltons. They are as difficult to be picked out of their
shells as periwinkles. A private Publishing Company,
Limited, has lately been started for the laudable object
of placing before an appreciative Public Works of
Fiction, which, but for this machinery, would never have
seen the light of day.
Without binding ourselves by the strict obligations ol
this enterprising Company, which deserves every pos-
sible encouragement the shares are quoted at three
premium, at least we hear of one share quoted at this
and it is yet to be had at the price, and perhaps more
where that comes from without we say, in any way
binding ourselves (an operation we leave to professiona
hands when the yearly volume is put together and
then the binding is de luxe) by unnecessary obligations,
we have liberally and heartily entered into the spirit ot
the thing, and, on certain equitable and just terms, have
consented to place at the Company's disposal one page
per week as a shop-front for the display of their wares,
reserving, however, to ourselves, the indisputable right
of using our pruning-knife and scissors when and where
we please, even to clipping the shoot in its first sprout,
cutting the thread of the heroine's fate with the scissors
of The Three Sisters, or breaking, as with the force ot
steam and iron, some monstrous Atlantic cable ot notion
, !___ i J ,*,', i' W. n f^/\wii-\onTr'ei V^rt/tlroi'.! flt. HO
as it is being paid out (of the Company's pocket) at so
much a week.
Such it our contract. We praise the obj ect of the Com-
pany, but we stand as Middleman, between the Company
and the Public ; we advise on the one hand, we protect on
the other.
We are glad, therefore, to be able to state, that,
yielding to our solicitations, and recognising the value ot
our experience (experience is to be bought and we sell
it) the Company has not commenced operations by placing
befor* the public the works of the r< Mute Inglorious,
but of the Outspoken and Glorious that is, such works
of notion as some of our eminent men, whether engaged
in the arena of politics, or in the fields of science, or in
the Marble Halls of our Law Courts, have, from ,time to
time, written at their leisure, in the privacy ot their
cabinet, in the snuggery of their couch, not originally
intended for publication, but perhaps meant, at some
time or other (posthumously, perhaps) to startle the world
into the exclamation," What a man he was ! '
The only condition on which we receive works trom
eminent public men, and publish them in these columns,
must here, once and for all, be distinctly understood,
and it is this :
The writer of such work of fiction as is here contem-
OU GET 'EM WELL TOGETHER ! I "
FEBRUARY 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
57
plated, murt have attained celebrity in tome totally different line no
matter what or where and mutt nerer have publiiheda novel before
thin, nor bj in any way known or recognised at a Novelitt.
Such is the condition. Such is the attraction. Eminentittimi, we
arc informed by the Secretary of the Company, have most readily
and eagerly sent in their MSS. : but, to prevent all jealousies, our
motto must lie, " First come, first served out."
We beg, therefore (on behalf of the Secretary aforesaid and the
Company) to acknowledge the receipt of MSS. from several well-
known Members of our Legislative Assembly. We do not intend
giving any name until the public shall unanimously and imperiously
demand who the new candidate for honours in Fictional Literature
may be, when we shall give him up for vox populi vox Dei; and
if the vox populi has only asked for the same reason that the Roman
people shouted for CINNA the poet, we shall use our own discretion
in considering our windows and the state of the pavement. We
shall withhold neither praise when due, nor censure when justice
demands it.
We, the Editor, are inspecting at the roll-call. The first roll is a
big one, postage pre-paid (if not it is at once returned by us to the
Secretary of the Company, who is responsible another clause in our
contract) the postmark is " Peterborough ; " and, as requested, we beg
to acknowledge the receipt of the first MS. from some eminent M.P.,
signing himself "Gso. H. WH'LL'T." At present, of course, we
haven't a ghost of an idea who it can be t We are in the dark, like
an owl, as wise and as impartial.
Next parcel datesTfrom " Carlisle." Signature," WILFRID." Who
on earth can this_ be P On the seal is a crest, apparently representing
a Pump, in a field argent (we do not .profess heraldry), with the
legend subscribed, " Water, water everywhere, and not a drop of
anything else to drink."
The third on the muster includes a letter to the Company stating
how the writer wishes the novel to be published. A second letter
to the Secretary, stating why he didn't write it before ; and a third
to the Editor explaining, that instead of three volumes he (the
writer) wished to divide it into " Three Courses." The suggestion is
under consideration. The postmark is " Hawarden." We are
languishing with curiosity to know from whom on earth it can
come!
The fourth is, the writer states at some length, on a purely nauti-
cal subject. The postmark is " Derby," and the signature is " SAM
PL-S-LL."
The fifth But no. Boy, take down those others : let them lie
on the table. At present at least next week we shall have the
pleasure of placing before the public (on behalf of the Company
Limited as aforesaid) the first instalments of
THE MASKED MONK;
OH,
THE MAID ! THE MANIAC ! I AND THE MYSTERY ! 1 !
A THHItLINO ROMANCE. WRITTEN BY
GEO. H. WH-LL-Y, M.P.
We do hope the public will like it when they get it. and will testify
their appreciation of the undoubted but hitherto undiscovered genius
of its Author, whoever he may eventually turn out to be.
^P.S. Prizes (at the discretion of the Editor and Company) will be
given to anyone guessing the name of each Author as it appears
before the public.
PHCEBUS COUNSELS PHAETON.
(Before he mounts the Chariot of the Sun.)
Freely adapted from OVID, " Metamorp/ioea" Hook II. vv. 122 15C.
" Turn pater ora sui nacro medicamine nati," et seq.
THEN with a film of the brass from his own invincible forehead
Phoebus Phaeton's face made proof for the fiery trial,
Placed his own crown on his head, and, not without sighs of fore-
boding,
Out of the depths of his wisdom in counsel sagacious addressed him.
' If, ere the trial begin, thon 'dst profit by. warning parental,
Ever be chary of whip-cord : in reins are a team's education :
Horses will go fast enough ; to keep them in hand is the business.
Never let short cuts seduce thee, nor think the best road is the
straightest :
Look for the line I have followed the tracks of my wheels will
direct thee
'Twixt Tory flats on the/right, and Radical slopes to the leftward ;
Too high a course will but end in a flare of the uppermost circles,
Too low in kindling the lowest. The mid-way still is the safest.
Bear too much to the Left, and the Red Dragon's coils you impinge on ;
Bear too much to the Right, and you jostle the Throne and the Altar.
Keep to the middle of these; for the rest, I commit thee to
Fortune :
E'en as I speak 'tis the hour for kindling the light of St. Stephen's ;
Fled the recess with its darkness, the blaze of the Session awaits
thee.
Take, then, the reins in thy hand, or as still there is room for
repentance
Give up a task that o'erweights thee, and go back again to thy
Budgets."
Then to car Phaeton sprang, with a lightness that scarce had been
looked for,
Settled himself in his place, and rejoicing to handle the ribbons
Flung his adieux from the car to Phoebus, adviser paternal ;
While the swift steeds that had wont to be workeof by that cunning
old driver,
lianter and liankum, the leaders, and Mystery, Asian descended,
Coupled with Management (dark horses both), best-bitted of
wheelers,
Filled the wide air with their neighings, and pawed with their hoofs
at the draw-bar.
A BLAST FROM RUDE BOREAS.
E. PUWCH.
SHIVER my timbers, and
brace up my old main yards to
the wind, if I can hold my tongue a
day longer. We have had too much of
your land-lubberly yarns about Dock-
yards. What do yon mean
by it, Sir ? Knock me
down with a marling-spike
if I put up with it. "En-
gineers and Superinten-
dents of our Dockyards at
loggerheads." And what
if they are, Sir ? What if
they are ? The Service
must be going to the deuce
with a vengeance if a
Naval Officer isn't to be
trusted to keep a pack of
civilians in their places !
Bombshells and hand-
grenades ! I never heard
the like of it since I was a
Middy in 1825 ! Never,
Sir, never !
Have you read the letter
of my friend VICE- ADMIRAL
HALL in the Times of the 1st? If you have not, Sir, read it, and
you '11 learn that the holes cut in the water-tight bulkheads of the
Vanguard were only very little ones ! There, Sir, is an answer to
your nonsense about Naval Maladministration. Pooh, Sir, nonsense!
The Vanguard was lost. Sir, (as my friend the VlCE-ADJCERfL
says), because it was an old tea-kettle. That was the reason, Sir.
To say that a few holes of six inches width cut in the bulk -heads of a
ship of 6,000 tons could sink her, is, on the face of it, sheer nonsense !
Rubbish, Sir t rubbish ! My friend, VICE-ADMIRAL HALL, has proved
that an Admiral must know about everything from end to end of a
ship, engines and all, far better than any one else. Of course he
must. You are evidently no more able to appreciate the real
capabilities of a naval officer than the rest of your lubberly, shore-
going, quill-driving sons of purser's clerks, who reel off their
slack-jaw in the newspapers.
LORD PALKEKSTON said that " when he wanted a thing done he
always sent for a sailor." As my friend VICE-ADMIRAL HALL says,
" in the face of this recorded opinion of a great Statesman, we can
afford to bear the comments of our detractors." So heave a-head,
Mr. Punch, pipe all hands for grog, and let us hear no more about
Dockyard Maladministration if you please.
(Signed) BOREAS BLOWHABD,
The Binnaclt, Portsmouth. Vice-Admiral.
An Obvious Site.
PROFESSOR ERASMTS WILSON has gallantly undertaken to bear the
cost of transporting: Cleopatra's Needle from Alexandria to London.
They talk of setting it up on the Thames Embankment. Nonsense !
Threadneedle Street is the place.
" FREE TO CONFESS." A pronounced Ritualist.
58
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1877.
JOHN CHINAMAN.
Am " A Highland Lad my Love v;as lorn."
" We have to Announce the landing at Southampton, (Saturday, January 27), of QuoH-ScNG-TAO, the first Chinese Envoy ever accredited to this country,
and suite." Shipping Intelligence.
-
;
. - -
__.
I
A CnnfAMAif QUOH-STJNG was born,
The " Foreign Devils " he held in scorn ;
But some time ago those " Devils " began
To tread on the toes of John Chinaman.
So like it or no, John Chinaman,
You have got to go, John Chinaman,
To the land of the " Outer-barba-ri-an,"
An Ambassador, though, John Chinaman !
With his eyes aslant, and his pigtail's braid
Coiled neatly round his close-shaved head,
And his button a-top, Southampton ran
To behold this great Panjanderan !
And if Q,T/OH-StTN& is scarce so fine a man
As we hoped for the sample Chinaman,
How many big things from as little began
As this Embassy from John Chinaman !
As stubborn as pigs, and as hard to steer,
With a taste for cheap buying and selling'dear ;
A decidedly difficult sort of man
To deal with, we 've found John Chinaman.
His own way he '11 go, will John Chinaman ;
At no lie he '11 shy, will John Chinaman ;
And he '11 sell you a bargain whenever he can,
In treaties or teas, will John Chinaman !
You may talk of your Yankee and Hebrew Jew,
But I guess they re small potatoes, and few
In a hill, compared with that yellow man,
After yellow boys keen, John Chinaman.
He '11 outdo pur doos will John Chinaman ;
And he '11 win where we lose, will John Chinaman ;
The dirt our miners have left he '11 " pan,"
And make it pay, will John Chinaman !
If all this he has learnt without leaving home,
What will it be now that he deigns to roam,
And from civilised Christians learns to plan
New dodges undreamed by John Chinaman ?
FKBRUAMY 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
59
ON HIS DIGNITY.
Maiden Aunt. " WHO WAS THAT NASTY LITTLE BOY WHO JUST SPOK TO YOU, JOHNNY ? AND WHAT DID HE SAY "
Johnny (indignant). " HE 's NOT A LITTLE BOY HE'S AN OLD SCHOOLFELLAR o' MINE 'OEEAT HUNTING MAN I HE SAID YOU
A PBKTTY GAL, AND I WAS A SLY DAUG 1 AND LOOK HBUE ! IJT YOU KEEP CALLING ME ' JOHNNY," I WON'T
WAS A PRETTY GAL, AND
ANY MORE ! '
TAKE YOU OUT
If in fits wo would throw John Chinaman,
Stock Exchange-wards show John Chinaman,
Where promoters he '11 study, financers scan,
And go nome an improved John Chinaman.
We '11 invite him to dinner, and serve him in state,
( >n more costly than willow-pattern plate,
Set small-waisted ladies his heart to trepan,
Failing small-footed belles d la Chinaman.
You shall go to crushes, John Chinaman,
See Drawing-room rushes, John Chinaman ;
In West-End soirees be glad of your fan,
And think of. home-odours, John Chinaman.
Our ships, guns, rails, mills, shops, and towns,
From John o' Groat's House to the Sussex Downs,
Let UuoH-SuNG survey, study, plot, and plan,
As an extra-observant Chinaman.
He may go back a gladder John Chinaman,
Or, it may be, a sadder John Chinaman ;
But one riddle he '11 scarce have read as he ran
Why JOHN BULL should despise John Chinaman.
LYMPH FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
IT may seem announcing a truism to say that there is nothing like
going for lymph to the fountain-head. But the lymph being under-
stood to be vaccine, and the source of it the calf, and the fact being that
lymph obtained from unhealthy human beings may possibly infect
those vaccinated with something worse than cow-pox, the point of
procuring vaccine lymph from the fountain is perceived to be one of
which the importance requires it to be urged, so long as it remains
neglected. Thanks are due to DB. GEORGE WILD, M.D., for point-
ing out that in Belgium the Government, which makes Vaccination
compulsory, also provides for lymph supply direct from the calf,
and suggesting that the British Public should call upon our Legis-
lature to dp likewise. In the meanwhile, DR. WYLD mentions that
some medical men, backed by one of the City vestries, are making
arrangements to provide a supply of lymph immediately from calves,
and that "ME. ALLSHOBNE. 51, Edgware Road, will endeavour to
keep a limited supply of Belgian calf lymph for the use of the
Medical Profession.
Of course the Anti-Vaccinationists will object to Vaccination even
if performed with lymph extracted from calves. That the calves
may yield the lymph they have to be kept in a state of disorder, to
which their fellow-creatures of Keighley, for instance, might have a
sympathetic objection. No Anti-Vaccinationist, however, could
possibly ever find himself vaccinated except by stratagem. Neither
could recourse be had to Ritualists, or any other of the numerous
biped calves that now abound, for original vaccine matter. But
perhaps were any one vaccinated with lymph derived from suchlike
calves, the possibility that some vituline taint might be imparted by
it to that person's blood might become a question for the 1 acuity.
An Opening for an Airy Belle.
WONDERS will never cease. "Coals to Newcastle" is an old
saying, but " wings to Newcastle " is a new one. Yet in the New-
castle Daily Chronicle of Jan. 30, we read :
WANTED, by S. A. CAIL, Printer, Quayside, Newcastle, a GIRL
who has been accustomed to Fly.
SOMETHING KOTTEN.
IN responding to the toast of " The Army " the other day, the
HON. P. STANLEY, M.P., said that the Army, in spite of all the drains
upon it, stood at a higher figure than it did last year.
But how about the drains, not upon, but tinder the Army the
drains at the War Office ?
60
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1877.
FILIAL ANXIETY.
" GOING TO PAKIS TO-MORKOW, TOM! How's THAT?"
" MY POOR OLD GOVERNOR'S TAKEN ILL THERE 1 "
" GOING BY DIKPPF, OR BOULOGNE ? "
" RATHER THINK I SHALL GO vid MONACO/"
PENDING THEATRICAL ACTIONS.
AGAINST MR. HOLLLNGSHEAD, for saying JONES was " a
duffer."
Against ME. HENDERSON, for declaring that what-
ever Miss POPPY LOLLY might know about break-downs,
she couldn't dance one.
Against MKS. BANCROFT, for objecting to GREKST, the
Gasman, that he never lit the float without breaking one
shade at least.
Against MR. HARE, for refusing to accept Miss
SEMOLINA SIDJIONSOX as a substitute for Miss TEIIKY,
and remarking that "she" (Miss S. S.) "wasn't up tu
the mark."
Against MRS. Jons WOOD, for suggesting that Miss
MONTORGEUIL was too stiff for the part of First G uost in
the Danischi'ffs.
Against Mits. SwANiiOKOUfai, for implying that
ME. WALPOLE BELMONT was a Pignorainus for dropping
his A's into the orchestra.
Against Mu. BUCKSTONE, for turning away aProperty-
Master who looked on the Manager's spoons as his own
property.
Against MRS. BATEMAN, for informing a friend that
Mit. PEECY BATTKNS, the low comedian from the Elephant
and Castle, would not be able to double MR. IKVISH in
Richard the. Third.
Against Mu. JAMES, for hinting to the family grocer
that thfi butter supplied to his own table was " inferior
Dosset."
Against Mr, Punch for publishing the aboTC.
JOHN PARRY'S FAREWELL.
AT four o'clock this Wednesday, February 7th, after
the performance of The Critic, which commences at 215,
our dear old friend, JOHN PARRY, the most entertaining
of all entertainers, comes forward on the stage of the
Gaiety Theatre to " recall reminiscences of bygone days
under the title of Echoes of the Past." One of his
reminiscences is to be The Tenor and the Tin Tack. Let
those who see this notice, and who have left their
chance of getting a seat for the Farewell Performance to
the last moment, rush down, or telegraph at once, to
the Box-office of the theatre, for The Tenor and the Tin
Tack may not be given again, and those who lose this
great opportunity will never cease to reproach themselves
for their neglect. But whether it be JOHN PARRY in The
Tenor and the fin Tack, or in La Lezione di Canto, or
an Operatic Rehearsal, we, in our time, shall, in all pro-
bability, never hear or look upon his like again that is,
in his peculiar line, a la mode de PABRY.
NEW FACTS AND OLD FABLES.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,
iN.spite of the dictum of ROUSSEAU, the fable or apologue,
based upon the characteristics of the animal kingdom, has been
generally considered one of the most valuable aids in the instruction
of youth. But really, Sir, the animal kingdom I use the term
comprehensively has of late been so turned topsy-turvy by scientific
explorers and theorists that there would seem to be urgent need
for a revised JEsop, and a remodelled DR. WATTS. I really think
that writers and lecturers ought to be more careful in their revela-
tions, and count the cost of introducing complete chaos into the
ancient and honourable realm of Fable. Conceive the condition
of a parent, guardian, or instructor, emphasising moral counsel of the
most irreproachable sort by time-honoured references to the ant and
the bee, and being pulled up short by some sharp child well-posted
in the latest investigations of LUBBOCK. It would be disconcerting,
not to say demoralising. SIR JOHN has already done his best to
demolish the reputation of the bee as the moral exemplar to man-
kind, lie is now as laboriously undermining the ethical character
of the ant. I want to know what is to become of our Fables if this
sort of thing is to go on ? With what shall we point our copybook
morals, and how shall we adorn our nursery tales ? The fresh facts
if facts they be furnished by LUBBOCK, scarcely lend themselves
to the old treatment. How doth the little busy bee ? Well, not
entirely in such sort that one could say to a child, without careful
qualification, " Go thou and do likewise ! " DICKENS was dreadfully
severe upon the bee. But then he was only a wild and ribald
humorist. The cold and deliberate attacks of LUBBOCK are far more
dangerous to the exemplary insect's moral prestige. Shall we continue
to bid the sluggard consider formic practice and polity with a view
to imitation? SIR JOHN declares that some ants are industrious, but
others exceedingly idle, too lazy, indeed, to feed or clean themselves,
and entirely dependent on slaves. Lazy ! uncleanly ! and tyrannical !
Are these the qualities and practices as a bright example of which
we are to set the ant before our erring youth ?
I would earnestly ask SIR JOHN whether _ any problematical
benefit to be derived from his patient, and, as it seems to me, un-
pleasant prying into the penetralia of hives and ant-hills can
compensate for the shock which will be sustained by our whole
system of moral teaching by apologue, if his unwelcome revelations
become widely credited.
" The Lion is the King of Beasts ;
lie noble is, and strong !"
How often' have I thrilled over that couplet in the days of my
childhood. I can hardly realise to myself the shock it would have
caused my youthful enthusiasm if any one had assured me as
they tell us now that the Lion, the Lion of ANDROCLES, of the
British Standard, of a thousand moving tales and awe-inspiring
figures, is but a cat-like creature, and, in fact, very much of a
coward ! Well, the herald has his conventional menagerie of
abnormal birds, amazing beasts, and apocryphal fishes can they
not leave us, for the invaluable purposes of the moral apologue, the
Conventional Lion, the Conventional Bee, and the Conventional Ant?
Your Obedient Servant,
MR. BARLOW'S GHOST.
THE NEW FORM OF CATTLE-PLAGUE (from a Butcher's point of
view). American Beef.
FKHKUABY 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
PUNCH'S VALENTINES.
ALF-LovE ia the love
of youth, but golden
calf-love is the love of
riper reason and ma-
turer years. The world
is no longer young,
though in the golden
age the age when the
golden calf is worship-
ped among the British
as it once was among
the Israelites. If our
motto is still " Hearts
and Hearts," it means
that hearts must now
be laid hold of by hands
with something in them. So no wonder
the fashion for subbtituting gifts for
verses on Valentine's Day should be
spreading more and more. Punch, ever
in the fashion, and 'ever ready to oblige
a grateful public, begs to suggest a few
appropriate presents for certain eminent
personages :
Mr. Gladstone. A packet of stamped
envelopes, with the legend, " To be used
instead of post- cards. '
Lord Beaconifleld. A model of the
Sphinx, in black marble, with the fable
of the Frog who tried to be bigger than
the Bull.
Lord Salisbury. A COOK'S Excursion
ticket, with the inscription, " Great Re-
duction in Railway Travelling."
ffc&V Stafford Northcote.A. set of
DiSBAELi'sNoyels, " from the Author,"
with the inscription, " Imitation is the
sincerest flattery. BKACONsrrKLD."
Lord Hartington. An amusing puzzle game, called " Liberal Policy," with a card " With
MR. GLADSTONE'S kindest regards.
Mr. Oathorne Hardy. A Treatise on Sewage ; with a return of the number of cases of
typhoid fever in the War-Office.
Mr. Jf'nnl Hunt. An Essay on " The Tea-Kettle in general, and the Vanguard in
particular," by ADMIRAL SIR KINO HALL.
Midhat Pasha. A Sack, inscribed " The Turkish Constitution Article 113."
The Emperor of Russia. A Reversible Coat, with the motto, " Can be turned back again."
The Emperor of Austria. A Lion's Skin, with an inscription, " The same old game."
SHAKSPKARE (King John).
Prince Von liismarcfc.A box of drastic Pills, with the motto, " JVbn bis dot gut citii dot."
The Sultan of Turkey. A copy of The Road in Ruin, and the song, " Softly tread, 'fix
hollow ground."
The Xing of Italy. A Fra Diarolo suit, with the motto, " Honour before Honesty."
Marshal McMahon. A Franco-German Dictionary, inscribed, " For a good boy, to be
thoroughly mastered."
facie Sam. A moral Tale, altered from The Looking- Glass, and entitled One Head is
better than Two.
And, lastly, Mr. Punch. A steara-
yacht.Va grand-tier box for Covent Garden
lor life, a coach-and-four, a casket of the
most costly jewtllery, a blank cheque signed
"ROTHSCHILD," and a family mansion in
South Kensington, with furniture complete ;
all marked with the Punch monogram, and
ia-< ribed with the Punch motto, Modi
is the best policy."
ilesty
WONDERS OF THE DAY.
(A Jteminifcence of an Installation.)
LOOKING back at my own career, wonder
if wonders will ever cease Y
Wonder whether a better style of drapery
might not be devised for Peers ?
Wonder how SALISBURY likes having me
at his elbow ?
\V under whether a man is liable to be
tried by his Peers in the House of Lords,
as well as a Court of Justice P
Wonder whether they will miss me in
the Commons '{
Wonder how NOHTIICOTE will work as a
Leader !'
-Wonder who will answer GLADSTONE ?
^/Wonder who will walk a-toj> of LOWE ?
Wonder what the Goloi will say on the
subject ?
Wonder whether BISMAHCK will think
anything about it, and what !*
Wonder whether I shall be moved to
write a sequel to Ixiim in Heaven f
Wonder what I really looked forward
to when I wrote Vivian Grey.
Wonder if I could remember half a
dozen lines of The Revolutionary Epic f
Wonder how the Great Commoner felt
aft< r his rise from PITT to CHATHAM '?
Wonder if a Coronet is, after all, a more
dignilied head-gear than a wide-awake ?
Wonder what the Comic scribblers will
do without "Dizzy"?
Wonder if I shall be a hit in my new
part?
Wonder if there's still such a thing as
being " kicked up-stairs " as there cer-
tainly was in PULTENEY'S time 'f
ASSES ON TWO LEGS.
A BIPED ass, called DONOVAS rough, as
asses are in winter lately received from
MH. KNOX the well-deserved sentence of
two months' imprisonment for striking one
of the servants of the Chinese Ambassador,
whose lives, it seems, are made a burden
to them by the coarse curiosity, rising some-
times to horse-, or rather ass-, play, of the
London street-roughs, cads, and snobs, who
gather for the purpose about the Embassy
in Portland Place. May all asses who pass
the line that separates Graying from luck-
ing, like this DONOVAN, meet with as hard
knocks in the police-court ! Do we want
to justify the Chinese in the title they have
given us of "outer" or "utter barbarians?"
If not, we are bound to receive our Celestial
visitors'with the courtesies due to " angels'
visits, few and far between."
Standard Works.
(For the Advocates of tkt PKmetie Syttem of
Spelling.)
Tax Sightc and Nashy Papers, Arte-
mus Ward his Hook, Majur Jack Dmcn-
ing, and the works of other American
Humorists, which will thus be found to
combine instruction with amusement.
Professors of the new system may be
found in plenty amongst the Somersetshire
labourers.
VOL. LXXJI.
G2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Session! (Thursday, February 8th.) In Queen's wea-
ther, and the QUEEN'S presence. " The Members are.met a
terrible show ! " The RIGHT HON. BENJAMIN DISRAELI,
VISCOUNT HDGHENDEN AND EABL OF BEACONSFIELD, "ob-
served of all observers," has appeared, between his sponsors,
the EARLS OF DEBDT AND BRADFORD; has served his writ
on the LORD CHANCELLOR ; has duly taken the Oaths, and
walked round the House, as a prize-fighter walks round
the ring before setting-to ; and has held the Sword of State
on the left of Her Most Gracious MAJESTY, while the LORD
CHANCELLOR read the Speech which her Ministers have been
pleased to put into her lloyal mouth.
If " speech is silvern," what should a Queen's Speech be ?
FEBRUARY 17, 1877.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
63
A TRUE PATRIOT.
Young Lady Tender (in Welsh Sunday School). "Now, JENKIH THOMAS, WHAT OEKW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GABDKN OF EDEN!"
Jenkin Thomas (promptly). " LEEKS, Miss ! I "
"Leaden," if we may take this year's concatenation of dull nar-
rative and puny promise as a sample. It tells all in the history
of the Turkish troubles that everybody knew already, omitting
everything everybody wanted to know, and leaving us equally in
the dark on the really important point what we are going to do
next. It dashes the announcement of the assumption of the Im-
perial title at Delhi with the grim tidings of famine in Bombay
and Madras (but, strange to say, not a word of the cyclone) ; gives
a regret to the troubles in the Transvaal, and promises
For England Bills for Reform in the Universities, the Law of
Bankruptcy and Patents, Prisons, and Property Valuation, Factories,
Workshops, and Summary Jurisdiction ot Magistrates.
For Scotland Legislation about Roads and Bridges, and Poor Law.
For Ireland Bills for Establishing one Supreme Court of Judica-
ture, and giving the County Courts an Equitable Jurisdiction.
Et t-oila tout !
Let Punch call in the ghost of his old friend, SAMUEL PEPYS,
to condense the Essence of the evening.
" Then Lords and Commons to debating on the Address. But,
Lord ! to see how blindly they did all talk, for lack of the papers,
whereof 1,200 folio pages be only this day distributed to Members of
both Houses, for such digestion as they can give them. Mighty
pretty to note how in both Houses the Speakers for the Government
and the Opposition did shoot in each other's faces the one clearly
proving how they have all along used one language and kept one
policy, the other as plainly showing how they have contradicted
themselves flat in the one, and gone right round in the other
And each to the satisfaction of his own side So no marvel
nothing like to come of it all but nothing.
" Only both sides do agree that my LOBD SALISBURY, hath borne
himself bravely, and said and done exactly what both the Ministers
and the Opposition would have had him do. As though a man
should blow hot and cold at once. Which puzzles me. And my
LOBD DUKE OF ARGYLL did speak mighty hotly, and gave their Lord-
ships his mind like a spirited gentleman as ne is, and of a ruddy
colour, and peppery, and was for making the Grand Turk do what we
would have him, and taking him by the throat, if it came to the worst,
whereat my LOBD DERIIY did seem troubled, being of a mind that it
is better for all, and most for the Christian subjects of the Turk, to
open their eyes and shut their mouths, and see what Time or Mus-
covite will send them, which, methinks, is a course like to be more
to the mind of my LOBD DERBY, and us in this island, than the Chris-
tians now so grievously ill-handed and misruled by the Grand Turk.
" Pretty to see how marvellous modest my LOBD BKACONSKIELD did
bear himself, and how soft-spoken he was in his new place. And,
methinks, he did wear his robes of Earl as easy as ever I saw, ana
not unhandsomely, as do some that were born to them. And my
LOBD 1 1 \ KTI \(, i d.v, in the Commons' House, did speak with a thick
voice, but to the point, showing how that when the Envoys came to
Conference at Constantinople, it was not only to ask the Grand Turk
for Reforms, but to have the same Reforms, with the Turk's will or
against it. And methinks my Lord would have England join with
the. Muscovite to press the Grand Turk home, rather than leave him
altogether in the hands of the Muscovite and therein methinks my
Lord spoke wisely as well as boldly. But to see how the new
Leader of the House was sore hampered, and would read from
papers which were not yet before Members, and how MB. GLADSTONE
chid him sharply for it, but himself afterwards spoke mighty well,
and maintained all that the people in their meetings last autumn
had given voice to, and all he had himself said and written against
the Grand Turk and his ill-doings. Yet, for all this, could I not
clearly learn what they of the Opposition would do to make the Turk
do better, but hope they would do somewhat, though the Government
do seem plainly of no mind but the mind to do nothing.
" And so I home, marvellous weary of their much talking, and no
wiser than I was before, which vexed me."
In the Commons, Notices of Bills by the Bushel.
Friday (Lords). ABCHBISHOP OF CANTERBUBY moves for Select
Committee on Intemperate Habits, and the effect of recent legisla-
tion on them. Including Ritual, Low Church, and Liberationist In-
temperance, as affected by the Church Discipline Bill eh, my Lord P
(Commons.) More notices of Bills added to the eighty announced
yesterday.
On MB. CROSS re-introducing Prison Bill (not a burglar of that
64
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1877.
name), the irrepressible Doctor had a rap at Dartmoor, apropos 01
the " unfortunate nobleman."
MK. II A Hi) Y reintroduces his University Bills changed into a
double-headed Parliamentary Nightingale, including both Cambridge
and Oxford in the body of one Statute.
Sixty Bills brought in by private Members ! Hurrah ! What
nights we shall be having ! Almost all the hobbies must be trotted
out by this time, one would think.
OR OTHERWISE.'
WE are often told that the Light of the Law is the perfection of
Reason : but Law has not always the benefit of a humbler
light the Light of Common Sense. We are glad to see it has been
guided by this light to its judgment in the appeal against the
conviction of DR. MONCK, detected in playing Spiritualist conjuring
tricks at Huddersfield.
The Vagrant Act, under which he was convicted, enumerates,
among the impostures it.is aimed at, tricks performed "by palmistry
or otherwise." It was coolly contended, on DR. MONCK'S behalf,
that the word "or otherwise" must mean something of the same
kind as palmistry, and so did not include the tricks of impostors
calling themselves Spiritualists.
JUSTICES CLEASBY and POLLOCK, with Common Sense as assessor
for the occasion, held tout ate contrairethat "otherwise " means
' otherwise," i.e. tricks different from palmistry, and not of the
same kind, and so affirmed the conviction, which leaves the soi-digant
DR. MONCK to work out his term of durance as a rogue and
vagabond.
MB. PUNCH'S CELEBEITES CHEZ ELLES.
No. V. DR. HARVEY D'OYLEY, AT THE WEST-END.
CONVENIENTLY situated near the Parks and most fashionable
Squares ot the West-End, almost in sight of the Marble Arch, and
not too far from Marlborough House, stands a palatial residence,
which combines the appliances of the laboratory with the luxury of
a modern English home. Intelligent foreigners passing by this
red-brick mansion in the Queen Anne style, with its plate-glass
windows, its tall portals and quaint brazen knockers, its well-worn
door-steps, and clustering piles of moulded chimneys, would imagine
that its owner was a duke at least. Not so. This palatial residence
the property of a man who for many hours daily wrestles with
Death and beats off disease, while in the dark hours he burns the
midnight oil in tracking Science through her tortuous windings, and
makes, at least, twenty thousand a year in guinea fees alone. Its
occupant is the most fashionable consulting physician of the day.
Ihe value ot HARVEY D'OYLEY'S time is measured in gold his
every nve minutes are guineas. These are swept in by the
never-ending flood of his daily consultations. Then, in the night-
:ason, so precious are his thoughts, that a secretary is always
seated at his bedside, to jot down, in shorthand, what he says
in his sleep. All the principal hospitals (of which he is an
>fficer) are connected with his house by telegraphic wires,
along which he flashes his medical oracles. The horses in his stables
are selected for their bone, bottom, and speed. When a case of
moment is on hand, when a Cabinet Minister has toothache, or the
wife of an Archbishop is suffering from cold, it is a sight to see the
Doctor's perfectly-appointed brougham, with its thoroughbred step-
pers, flashing through the crowded thoroughfares. The moment one
of D'OlLEY's horses gets past his work, that is, ceases to be up to
twenty miles an hour, it is sold, and replaced by another. The
discarded gallopers are usually purchased by CAPTAIN SHAW to
horse the engines of the Fire Brigade.
Before describing the house in detail, it is as well to say that the
domestic offices are defective. The pantry would be more cheerful
for another window, and the Butler has no room in which he can
receive' his comme il fuut friends en petit comite. On the right-
hand doorpost are two bells, one labelled "Visitors," the other
' Servants." Let us check a natural inclination, and ring the first.
After a pause of a few minutes, the door is opened by a formidable,
almost repellent, person clad in sober black. This is the Doctor's
" confidential man," but his name is a misnomer. He is the very
reverse of confidential. Ask him to whom that wide-awake on the
hall-slab belongs, and he will require to know your business.
Question him about last night's menu, and he will feign ignorance
of the fact that his master yesterday gave a large and distinguished
dinner-party. But while you have held him in talk, you are ill
fitted indeed for your vocation, or you will have found time to note
that there is in the corner near the door a handsome hat-stand, sup-
porting many curious walking-sticks and costly umbrellas. You
will have caught a glimpse of the solid mahogany door leading to
the waiting-room, and the green baize portal of the sanctum
of Hygeia. You will have rapidly written on the tablets of your
memory that the floor is covered with marble-patterned oil-cloth.
Nay, more, before the door is closed in your face with scant courtesy,
you will have made your own the important fact that a stained
glass lamp is hanging from the central star of the stucco ceiling.
Fortunately, there are means for gaining admittance here besides
a sop to Cerberus. Coals must be carried, and a footman's livery is
a disguise not difficult to assume. Moreover, the Healer, absorbed
in science and consultations, does not know one servant from
another.
Entrance once secured, our survey may be more leisurely. We
enter the waiting-room on the right from the hall. It is cosy,
though scarce (from an upholsterer s point of view) costly. A red
carpet with yellow flowers gives a decided relief to a blue wall-
paper and a pale green ceiling. The chairs have oak frames and
are leather-seated and backed. The table (a very good one, from
the celebrated emporium of MESSRS. VAMP AND VENEEE) is covered
with periodicals, comic and serious, literary and social, from
Sradshaw downwards, of various dates and much thumbed. An
illustrated edition of Joe Miller lies side by side with BUEKE'S
Peerage, like two roses on one stalk. Mixed up with the
lighter literature are several pamphlets by the Healer himself.
Here, for instance, is D'Oyley on the Circulating Fluid, a most
valuable addition to medical specialism ; and yonder, in a neat
cover, is that standard work of D'OYLEY'S on the Obscurer Dis-
eases of the Upper Ten Thousand, for the Doctor belongs to the
new school, and eschews Latin words when English will serve as
well. Seated on the chairs round the table, or ranged along the
walls, or standing in groups, are the patients for whose amusement
,11 this literature is intended pale-faced, wearied, and anxious.
Do not let us wait to be summoned into the Healer's presence, but
by virtue of our " Open, sesame!" enter his sanctum at once.
A majestic room, hung with proof-prints of eminent Doctors, (from
HUNTER and POTT downwards), with well-filled dwarf book-cases ;
on their tops, and on stands and small tables all about, models of
preparations under glass-cases, and chemical apparatus. The Healer
.s a great authority on the diagnostic power of medical chemistry,
and nis brochure on the white blood-corpuscles has attracted great
attention in the columns of the Medical Press. Near the fire, and
well-screened from the draught, are a desk and a very easy chair.
And now let us look at the Healer at work. A delicate-looking
man of sixty, with auburn hair, and a long, black, silky moustache.
A grand head, full of bumps that would drive a phrenologist into
ecstacies of delirious delight. A pair of piercing eyes, sparkling
with a concentration of energy and enthusiasm, fun and science. A
well-knit frame of great muscular power. He softly smiles as you
enter, and motions you to a seat. A few rapid questions are first
given, and the answers pondered noted, resolved. Then he examines
you. He punches you here, bangs you there, and, so to speak,
whacks you all over. " Does this hurt ? " he asks with each blow,
md notes down in a large book which lies open before him your
loudly-uttered answer. In five minutes he has knocked off your
case, and after a hurriedly-written prescription, and perhaps a
rapid interchange of thought on the current topic of the day, with
a recommendation of a mutton-chop luncheon, and the avoidance of
sugar and malt liquors (the Healer has a firm belief in diet, which
lie calls the right hand of medicine, and mutton-chops are just
FEBRUARY 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
65
now up, sugar and malt down, in the medical baroim t> i ,
and your interview is over. You bow yourself out
(aftrr leaving your fee on the table), and another patient
takes your place. As the door closes behind you, you hear
the faint sounds of distant thumpings. And so it goes on,
from nine to one, in a never-ending stream of rapidly-
intrrviewed pilgrims to the shrine 01 yKsculn]iius. Then
comes the perfectly-appointed but not luxurious luncheon-
tray, with its two glasses of restorative Amontillado ; and
then the well-hung chariot, with its four-hundred guinea
MI']I|MTH is at the door, and if we are to keep our eye
on the Healer, it must be no longer chez lui, but c/u-z
son clientele, in every part of the wide West-Kiid,
from rococo Cavendish Square to brand-newest Ken-
singtonia. But the Doctor does not take a man on the
lni\ ; mid though few places are beyond our ken, we are
not quite ubiquitous.
Nor need we care to follow the Healer home again
from his daily round. Is not private life sacred ? And
yet one scene more. It is night. The Healer's house is
a blaze of lights. The waiting-room contains a supper
with all the delicacies of the season, for the pastrycook
who lias taken the contract has charged fifteen shillings
a-hcad! The gentlemen of the pantry must have in-
creased assistance to-night. The roll and roar of car-
riages ceases not without. Upstairs, in the gorgeous
drawing-room, are the guests, including all the cele-
brities of the day, civil and military, literary and scien-
tific, fashionable and financial, musical and theatrical.
In one corner a celebrated author is reading extracts
from his works to a rather languid audience. In another,
a professional negro serenader, banjo in hand, is singing
with much feeling a popular comic song. The Healer,
now in his favourite character of Host, is circulating
around, with a smile for the Ladies, a flashing joke, or
a profound conundrum for the Men, when a servant hur-
riedly approaches him, and whispers in his ear. Five
miiiutrs later the perfectly-appointed brougham is dash-
ing through the streets at the rate of the Flying Dutch-
man. It contains the Healer, bent on a mission of
mercy. . . . Such is his life, full of mysteries and confi-
dences, blind guesses and rapid inductions, vast gains
and large benevolences, sensations and delights, guineas,
honours, and contrasts.
TO THE TOTTERING LILY.
Of all that 's hideous, awkward, queer,
Our Domes are quite top prompt, I fear,
In emulation.
The Grecian bend, the Roman fall,
Set all our beauties waddling, wob-
bling ;
Sight of your tootsicums so small.
Fair totterer, might be setting all
Our beauties hobbling !
The Chinese Totter ! Taking name !
Fancy presents appalling pictures.
K In-ar that a Chincw
lady (wifi'of oncof tin'
Staff of the Ambas-
sador), who-
signific* the Tottering
Lily of Ftu<
hoi accompanied thr
Chinrae Embassy to
toil country." Oo-
lip of the Day.
I ' \ i it llower from the Flowery I.and
How national is your cognomen !
An inability to stand
Is not the charm we most demand
In Western women.
'Tis plain you 've not been favoured
yet
With a Celestial MAUV WALKER.
Ah me ! how much you must regret,
Or should do, never having met
That lively talker !
But pray don't bring in fashion here
Your pedal fascination.
Imagine all our Ladies lame,
And modish Imttiers earning fame
For ten-toe strictures !
We 've lots of fashions, goodness knows,
Which are excuse me! quite as
illy.
You're welcome, dear, but don't dis-
close
To Western gaze those tiny toes,
Sweet Tottering Lily !
THE COMING MAN FOR TURKEY.
THE fall of MIDHAT PASHA may very probably prove the means
of affording Turkey a good chance of salvation. According to the
Vienna correspondent of the Times, there has lately come into the
of exceptional integrity, virtue, and intelligence, by name Aim KH
REFIK EFFENDI, who has served his country in several high offices
of State successively, and, during his intervals of leisure, has
always gone " to dig and plant in his garden on the hill-side, and to
indulge iris taste for reading and study." How elevated a taste for
study and reading is that which actuates this literary Turkish
Cmcmnatus, the whole world will discern from the statement that,
amongst English and other cultivated residents in Turkey, by some
of whom he was regarded as one of the most fanatical and dangerous
of " Old Turks "
"Those who, being under this impression, made his acquaintance, may
have been not a little astonished to find a man as well up in the latest works
of English and French literature as they were themselves, a man who took in
1 unen and Charivari, and laughed over them as heartily as any man could."
It would be mere mock-modesty to refrain from anticipating the
observation which the foregoing words will suggest to everybody,
that a Grand Vizier being not only a constant reader of Punch, but
also capable of understanding and appreciating the contents of these
pages, is likely to regenerate and save his country, if anybody in the
slippers of a Grand Vizier can. May AHMED REFIK EFFENDI live
to do it ; and that he may have plenty of time to do it in, may His
Excellency live a thousand years, continuing to take in and read
his Punch.
Dens Bidentium.
SHEEPS' teeth are used by dentists (so 'tis stated)
To fill the cells that grinders have vacated.
The Hatcham sheep uplift a piteous wail ;
The Tooth they 've lost now nils a cell in gaol.
Ah ! Toothless sheep, whose pap-preparer 's gone !
Ah I sheepless Tooth, that chew'st the cud alone !
IMITATIVE BENEVOLENCE.
(A Hint to Noble Sportsmen. )
MORE than once or twice during the shooting season, the constant
reader of his newspaper may therein discover pleasant little unpre-
tentious paragraphs, recording very simply such kind acts of grace
as these :
" HER MAJESTY has forwarded, from Windsor, twenty brace of pheasants
to St. George's Hospital."
" Presents of game have been dispatched from Sandringham, by order of
the PRINCE OP WALKS, for the use of the patients in the London hospitals."
Imitation, we are told, is the truest form of flattery, and we feel
pretty sure that both HER MAJESTY and the PRINCE OF WAXES would
be flattered by a loyal imitation of their gifts. Noble sportsmen
would do well to emulate their betters ; and instead of sending all
their surplus game to be sold for them at Smithfield. they should
send some of it, at least, to the Hospital of St. Bartholomew, adja-
cent to the market. Battues are abominable : but there might be
some excuse for them, if their proceeds were distributed among the
sick and suffering poor. As a rule, there is small interest in the
statements of " good sport " which are paraded in the newspapers,
describing how the noble army of Swells at Crackshot Castle nave
destroyed, in the last three days, some five thousand head of game.
Such paragraphs, however, might well deserve publicity if they
conveyed an intimation that the game had been presented to the
London Hospitals, and that the carriage of it thither had been
charitably paid.
SENSATION IN BELORAVIA.
CHAWLES and JOHN THOMAS are in great tribulation, as they have
heard Vaccination is to be administered direct from the calf. Their
situations, they complain, won't have a leg to stand on, if they are to
be punctured for the benefit of babies.
A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY.
A CORRESPONDENT sends us an anagram, revealing in a new Peer
what the world has long been in the dark about : " THE EARL OF
BEACONSFIELD The real Face of Old Ben."
60
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1877.
'," ; ';<;' ,/, V,
TRUE ARTISTIC REFINEMENT.
" Died of a colour, in aesthetic pain."
Hostess. "WE 'KB GOLSO DOWN TO SUPPER, MR. MIRABEL. LET ME INIRODUCE YOU TO Miss CHALMERS."
Mr. Mirabel. "A PARDON ME is THAT THE TALL YOUKG LADY STANDING ur YOUR HUSBAND ?"
Hostess. "YES. SHE'S THE MOST CHABMING GIRL I KNOW."
Mr. Mirabel. " I 'VE NO DOUBT. BUT A SHE AFFECTS ANILINE DYES, DON'T YOU KNOW ? I WEALLY COULDN'T GO DOWN TO
SUPPAH WITH A YOUNO LADY WHO WEARS MAUVE TwiMMINOS IN HER SKIRT, AND MAGENTA WlBBONS IN HER HAIR 1 "
MATEKFAMILIAS ON THE MEAT QUESTION.
SIXPENCE a pound ! A blessed thought ! I hope this time it 's no
vain vision.
Ah ! bring the Butchers down a bit, and house-keeping might be
Elysian ;
But what with those blue-coated wolves, and trade in such a state
as trade is,
A prudent woman to venture beyond Australian tinned afraid is,
let from your preserved meats, preserve me //never could con-
ceit 'em ;
And servants-drat their dainty ways ! declared they'd sooner
starve than eat 'em.
But these American frozen joints though freezing victuals does
seem funny,
By all accounts, are good and cheap, and that 's the market for my
money.
Cheap ! Word of comfort to a wife ! And yet it almost sounds like
mocking,
For prices keep on going up to an extent that 's really shocking.
And prices, like that rash young man in MR. LONGFELLOW'S sad ditty,
i they take to rising, won't come down again more 's the
-Excelsior is the Butchers' cry ; at rising they 're as smart as rockets :
And show themselves natural enemies of every woman's peace and
_ pockets :
nd If bH ^ tMS fr Zen beef 8hould Only bring the brutes to book a
>d bl bit the * blessing on th se Yankees, every time I had to cook a
But if they 're going to buy it cheap and pocket the extra profit,
Like those Scotch cheats, 1 can't say I see much good folks are like
to get off it.
They '11 raise a cry and say, no doubt, they 're froze out, like
gardeners, drat 'em !
But much I fear they 're far too sly to let us buyers tit-for-tat 'em.
They 've always got some fine excuse Hood, drought, war, rinder-
pest, and so on ;
Don't tell me ! Government ought to stop the way these Butchers
go on.
Thousands of tons of Yankee meat imported monthly ? The more
surprising,
Spite of States' beef and Canadian too, my bills should still keep
rising !
"Wearing of the Green."
THE following is an extract from The Irish Times of February C,
1877 :
"Speaking of hie Grace reminds me that his noble Lady, the Duchess,
created quite a sensation last week by driving down Grafton Street, preceded
by two outriders, in a pale-green silk dress. Her reception all along the way
was very warm, the people being evidently pleased at the marked compliment
meant to be paid to Ireland by the colour of the dress."
What a pity the people of Ireland are not oftener put in a good-
humour when it takes so little to please them !
A QUESTION OF SEX.
" EatJES " wants to know whether the horse christened " Manage-
ment " in our last Cartoon shoiild not have been a filly, and named
Mis-Management ?
PUNCH, OK THK LONDON CHARIVARI. FEHRUAUY 17, 1877.
WHAT NEXT?
BEAU. "YOU'VE READ MY 'CIRCULAR!' YOU KNOW MY INTENTIONS ARE STRICTLY HONOUR-
ABLE 1 WHAT ARE I'OU GOING TO DO P "
LION. " BLEST IF I KNOW ! ASK THE GOVERNMENT, AND IF THEY CAN'T TELL YOU, TRY THE
OPPOSITION ! ! "
FEBRUARY 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
69
THE PORTE AND THE VATICAN.
CONFOUND those European Powers,
A set of hogs and dogn and Giaours !
Jl'i- knuckle down to their dictation ?
We truckle to intimidation '(
Submit to their conditions, We t
Concede our Slaves autonomy ?
</'< f the Intidelaf eared P
No, never, by the Prophet's beard !
Like that old Brick on Peter's Throne,
Whose case is so much like Our own,
If 'tis as pole resembles pole
For whom We feel with all our soul,
Has one, and only one, reply,
\Vln-n vexed with importunity,
So We, whenever pressed to do
The thing we are unwilling to,
Will let the Giaour get nought of Us,
But a serene, "2fon possiimut ! "
CHURCH IN HIGH STYLE.
is. " AR YOU ooiNc! TO CHCBCH WITH i
The Major. " THANKS, NO I I WAS AT THB MOKNING PKUFORMAHCK ! I"
Ritualistic Hostess. " AR YOU GOING TO CHCBCH WITH us THIS EVENING,
MAJOR ? "
HOSPITALITY AND PLUNDER.
INFORMED by telegram that "LoD DEBBY had re-
ceived an address signed by a numerous body of English
traders, complaining of the Brigandage in Sicily, and
requesting him to call in the most pressing manner the
attention of the Italian Government to the subject,"
the Public, Parliament, and Press of Italy have been
thrown into a lit of indignation at what they call "an
egregious breach of the hospitality extended to British
residents in the Island." Strange to say, what they
mean by breach of hospitality appears not to have been
the seizure of MB. ROSE by brigands, their detention of
him in their mountain den, in constant danger of his life,
and his release for a ransom of 2,400, no : it seems
that, from the Italian point of view, the hospitality
extended to British residents in Sicily was broken by
MR. ROSE'S fellow-countrymen and fellow-residents in
complaining of that and similar outrages to the British
Government. Well, there's nothing like looking at
things your own way !
AN Advertisement in a contemporary offers a select
home to a few Ladies and Gentlemen who require rest.
Among the first to avail themselves of this retreat will be
found MACAULAY'S New Zealander and CSSAK'S Wife.
HOW TO MAKE HOME SAFE.
(Respectfully dedicated to CAPTAIN SHAW.)
" There were over a hundred fires in the Metropolis last week."-
Faper.
Weekly
1. In the first place I, Punch, would have you careful in the
matter of matches. Avoid those to which Proprietors and Manu-
facturers have given the title " Safety," for use can be made of
them only when you have the box by you. Rather choose those
which strike not only on the box, but on anything. By employ-
ment of these yourself, and by encouraging the careless use of them
by your servants, you may do your part in keeping up the average
of Metropolitan conflagrations.
2. In these days of universal improvement your house is probably
lighted with gas from attic to basement. On this head I have little
to say. Remember, however, the proverb which illustrates the
futility of seeking for anything in the dark. If, therefore, you smell
gas, and are thus warned of an escape, go, or send one of your
household, with a lighted candle, to discover the source of it.
3. If there be no Gas in your house, it is probable that you will
use oil lamps. Paraffin will do for your dining and drawing-rooms.
In the nursery, schoolroom, or wherever else there is likely to be
romping, employ petroleum or kerosine. Consider the Cow of
Chicago.
4. Never indulge in Fire-Guards. They intercept great part of
the heat of the lire, which no prudent householder can afford at the
present prices of coal. If, in your absence, a gassy coal explodes,
and the fragments arc projected into the room, how can you possibly
be to blame ?
5. Some housewives are of opinion that linen should be aired
gradually. This is mere old-fashioned nonsense, unsuited to an
age too rapid to permit of things being done slowly. Air your
linen quickly ; have a roaring tire, and bring your clothes-horses
as near it as possible.
0. The medical profession strongly condemn chlorodyne or
chloral. Therefore, if you have wakeful nights, compose yourself
by means of a book in small type, which will involve your keeping
your bedside-candle close to the curtains, where, if left to itself,
it may burn down quietly.
7. Nothing is more soothing than for a man with his head on his
pillow to meditate over the affairs of the day with a cigar in his
mouth.
8. While wages are so high, I would have you execute for yourself
any little repairs that may become necessary on your premises.
The cases of Canterbury Cathedral, and the Alexandra Palace, show
what may be done by the skilful use of a glue-pot.
9. In the event of any article of wearing apparel or furniture
igniting, remember at once to open a door, so as to admit a good
current of air. All the above directions may be rendered useless by
inattention to this hint.
10. Never insure your house. Think of the luxuries you can
purchase with a few pounds, and hesitate before investing your
money in what is too often nothing but a premium on carelessness.
11. And last. Take the foregoing directions to heart, and carry
them out steadfastly and thoroughly. Verify the saying of THOMAS
of Chelsea, that the twenty millions of these islands are mostly fools.
Vex the souls of CAPTAIH SHAW and his gallant men, and by your
ignorance, carelessness, laziness, and stupidity, continue to swell tke
tire-returns, and aggravate your sincere well-wisher,
THE PAINS A1TD PENALTIES OF BITUALISH.
( WlMt uitth flu Priettt of Satcham and Xaiibtont.)
IN Horsemonger Lane Tooth-ache.
In the Conrt of Privy Council Ear-ache.
To PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY. Take care to choose a Lady Help,
and not a Lady Encumbrance.
70
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1877.
THE MASKED MONK;
OR, THE JIAID ! THE MANIAC ! ! AND THE MYSTERY ! ! !
A THHILL1NO ROMANCE, FOUNDED ON UNQUESTIONED FACTS. INVENTED
AND WRITTEN BY
GEO. H. WH LL Y, M.P.
CHAPTER I. The Jesuit Chief.
IN a spacious arched and vaulted chamber, whose stones could
have told of the darkest and foulest deeds ever perpetrated in the
history of mankind when under the shadow of the broad triple-
crowned tiara, which was assumed by the persecuting pontiffs of the
mediaeval period in cutting, cruel, and deadly ridicule of the cos-
tume of the oppressed Hebrew race, which, at that time, still clung
to the traditional head-gear of a happier past, in, I say, an arched
and vaulted chamber of the large building, about which there is
something at once prisonly and palatial, at the corner of the Piazza
di Septelti Diali,* were gathered some of the most remarkable persons
in the world,
whose names
would have
struck terror
into the very
hearts of the
sovereigns of the
capitals and the
capitalists of a
blinded Europe,
which sees the
movements of the
puppets, but is
cither unable or
unwilling to rise
en masse and
detect the heart-
less, fiendish,
wire - pullers
hidden away in
the recesses of
such spider-like
corners as that in
which I am now
about, for the
first time, to
throw a perfect
lampful of the
purest, truest,
and most uncom-
promising light.
Gentlemen below
the gangway
may sneer and
attempt to per-
suade the public
that it is but
waste of their
precious mo-
ments to listen to
the voice of
Truth, but the
time will come
when Sut to my story, t
The gloomy chamber was hung around with various instruments
of torture, which, though superseded by modern improvements
and inventions, still retain their terrible significance, and cause a
tremor to pass through the stoutest frame that ever England can
produce.
In different corners, for the apartment is all corners and angles,
sat sombre-hooded figures at desks, watching with lynx-like eyes
the complicated movements of the telegraphic-needles in front of
them, while inferior servitors, each wearing a tight-fitting black
suit, a tall, conical cap, called in ecclesiastical Italian a Cappa
Magna,+ and black half -masks, like Medireval headsmen, waited at
* " Piazza di Septetti Diali." Is there such a Street in Rome? and are
you quite sure of your spelling f In haste. Yours, ED.
From G. W., M.P. Sir, facts are facts, be they never so factitious. The
Piazza in question, I learn on the very best authority, is " a quarter," not an
entire street. But the part represents poetically the whole. Yours ever.
t The break at this point, and the italics, are ours. ED.
I " Cappa Mayna."0n reference to Roman Catholic authorities, we find
the " Cappa Magna " is a cope not a cap. la this not a slip of yours, my dear
Sir ? ED.
Answer from G. W. Slip ? No. If you believe what those people tell
each hooded figure's elbow, ready to seize a missive, and dash away
on some errand of the Segretto Servize.* All are busy. Every
second the little bells are ringing, and messages arriving from all
quarters of the world. A special department is assigned to news
from England ; and during the Session the wires are constantly at
work.
And where are we now '? In the Camera Obscura of the head
Department of the Secret Conclave's Office, whence issue orders for
the conduct of the affairs, Ecclesiastical and Civil, of the entire
globe, where all secrets are told ; where all plots are known ; where
the Propaganda holds its monthly feasts, and the outwardly sedate
Seminarists meet for their nightly revels.
At a table, listening to the low-murmured recital of a cowled
figure, sat one towards whom, from time to time, all eyes furtively
glanced. He was dressed in a long gown, called a " birttta,"Jr which
entirely concealed the closely-woven coat of chain armour that pro-
tected him night and day from those whom alone, of all men, he
feared, namely, the assassins in his pay. For him, bravos belonging
to what is known as the " claque " were ever at his call, and their
hands, over ready for his bidding, might, when unemployed, iind
means to send a
dagger to the
heart of the very
man who had
taught them to
use it. His face
could it have
been discerned
by the. dim light
of the chamber,
was sallow, and
of the Spanish
type. His brows
were heavy, and
his eyes, bright
and piercing,
were restless as
a snipe on the
marshes, and as
keen as the air
on the Welsh
mountains. + His
head and face
were closely
shaven, the
better to enable
him to assume
any disguises
that the neces-
sity of the mo-
ment or the
urgency of the
affair might
suggest. On his
head he wore
what alone would
have distin-
guished him
from all the rest
the insignia of
his office 'and
rank in the
Popish Ecclesi-
astical Camp. It was a cocked hat, surmounted by a feather.
Beneath his cloak, and entirely concealed by it, he wore his
epaulettes, and by his side a rapier of the purest Toledo steel. He
had two air-revolvers of the most recent American invention in his
girdle, while in his long, thin, sinewy, bloodless hand, which a
you, you '11 believe anything. Why, you 'd believe that the unfortunate
nobleman now languishing at Dartmoor is not the man he wasn't taken for.
I know all about Cappa Magna. I 've worn one to try it. It 's like an
extinguisher.
From the Editor to the Author. Good. We shall not interfere again.
* In answer to your letter, Sir, in which you kindly propose to leave my
production untouched by the editorial hand in its characteristic features, I
am open to admit that I never have been in Rome (dare / venture there, Sir f
Would you in my skin, which is not proof against the stiletto of the hired
assassin), and never will learn a language, which, whatever may be its
original beauties, is associated with the history of the debased, profligate
[** The asterisks are ours, ED.] Papal Misrule. G. W.
t " Biritta." We said we wouldn't interfere, but " birilla " is a cap.
From G. W. to the Editor. I suppose CARDINAL M-NN-NO told you this ?
Hah!
I I call your attention, Sir, to the fact that I do not write about matters
of which I am ignorant. Am I not a dweller among marshes and mountains ?
Very well, then : true in a tittle, true in a total. G. W.
FEBRUARY 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
71
CULINARY CULTURE.
_Y. n- Conk. "!F YOU'RE GOING UP-STAIRS, MR. RUGGLES, YOU MIGHT JUST TELL MY Lt
THAT IK SHE CAN'T WRITE TI1F ' MENOO ' IN FRENCH, I SHALL BE VERY 'APFY TO DO IT
FOR 11KB ! "
Sir Joshua might have painted and a Sir Moses have bought, he held that most formidable
of all his weapons, a steel pen. And who was this P
Gentlemen, this was the man before whom all Europe in reality quailed, to whom Princes
bowed and diplomatists cajoled, it was Don YICHEDUOMO SOVERICHINO, the General of The
Jesuits ! !
" Emissario mio," ho said, suddenly, to a yellow-faced, high-cheek-boned Monk, whose
general appearance bespoke the part of the world for which he was made up, " go to China.
See the Emperor's Secretary, and give him this draught," and he held out a paper of the
deepest black, with a few characters in white on it. " Ildrafto nigro," he continued, " will
settle the constitutional question that is to give us a new empire in an old and tottering
world. Stay," he added, as the Emissary was about to withdraw, " let me look at you."
He eyed him narrowly from head to foot. Then, suddenly exhibiting tokens of dissatis-
faction, he beckoned to a stout, pale-faced assistant, who had till this moment been seated
in a dark corner with a box in his hand. This box he now opened. It was filled with
paints, pigments, brushes, powders, pencils, Indian ink, and hares' feet.
" Caro KAKLABKZONE," said the General of the Jesuits to the stout, pale monk, " <
euiwppa bit/o.'"
KABLABKZONE bowed, and, with a light hand and small brush, put a few lines here, a
few lines there, rubbed a little more yellow into his face, and the man (in reality a native
of Limerick) was transformed into a most perfect Chinaman. [Is it certain that this
emissario is not one of those who hang on behind the Chinese Ambassador's coach as he
drives about London ? Let CARDINALL M-XN-G answer, lie knows, and if he will only
Just at this moment a piercing scream rang through the apartment. A secret door was
suddenly thrown open, and a beautiful nun, pale and dishevelled, rushed into the apartment
and threw herself at the knees of the General.
t The break and asterisks are ours. ED.
(To tit continued.)
NOTES BY THE TALENTED AUTHOR.
Of course I limit myself entirely to facts, either within my own personal and peculiar knowledge,
or sworn to by those, in whom, from their position and exceptional opportunities of observation, I
hare every confidence. I bare already spent
hundreds. I may raj thousands^ in unearthing the
machination) of the Jesuit* in this country I
have been content to bear the obloquy cast upon
me by the satellites of the Roman Secret Monastic
Societies and, alas ! I have actually been held
up to suspicion (how baseless my conscience and
constituents best know) of being myself a Popish
Emissary ! ! and this too by the once eminent
Protestant Champion, Mil. N-D-O-TB, who, I fear,
is after all but an unconscious tool in the hands
of astute Cardinals and wily Italian Prothona-
tanis. I defy I)u. M-NN-O and all his works (not
one of which I would ever read, nor even accept
as a birthday present), and dare the whole Con-
sistory and College of Bishops and Council of
Seminarists to disprove in detail any one of the
Fact*, or contradict any single one of the state-
ments which I shall put before the public in this
true and thrilling narrative, which should rouse
all England from its torpor, and cause Parlia-
ment to send a carefully-selected body of firemen,
with hose and hatchet, into the cellars of the
house.
I would not employ a policeman or fireman if
I had my way, unless he were previously examined
by a competent Protestant Committee, and had
received from the examiners a certificate of his
thorough acquaintance with the Catechism, and
had taken a good strong anti-Popish oath with-
out evasion, reservation, or mental equivocation
whatsoever. For me, I would go to the stake
cheerfully for my opinions, and I should be very
glad to see others go there too, and remain then.
For my part, I do not think I should care to do
more than go to the stake for my opinions, get
my opinions, and come back again. For the sake
of the Protestant cause I would give up almost
anything except, perhaps, my pipe, which is a
great comfort to me when I am stumping at
Peterborough, and which I miss in the House.
I shall go on with this Novel as long as I can.
in order to expose the system of tyranny and
duplicity which keeps an excellent nobleman out
of his property simply because he is a butcher,
and, therefore, opposed to Lenten diet and fish on
Fridays. But my time is fully occupied, and my
leisure moments I devote to ringing lessons.
When next asked to sing I shall do BO and
charge for it. 0. W.
CRYSTAL PALACE IMPROVEMENT.
Is the Crystal Palace worth preserving ?
This is a question not raised in a pamphlet
by MB. GLADSTONE, but by the LOUD
MAYOR, at a meeting of public-spirited
gentlemen, held the other afternoon at
the Mansion House, to consider " the
best means to maintain and preserve
the Crystal Palace for the use of the
people, in fulfilment of the objects for
which it was originally founded." They
ultimately resolved that, "in view of the
great public advantage of the Crystal
Palace, it is desirable that it should be
maintained for the public," and appointed
a Committee to confer with the Directors to
that end. Thus the question before the
meeting was answered in the affirmative,
but not absolutely. They voted the Crystal
Palace worth_ preserving to effect the
objects for which it was ^founded, and not
others.
The former they contemplate promoting
by a large and liberal scheme for " the
cultivation of arts, sciences, and manu-
factures, and the providing of good and
elevating recreation for the public," and
for those who join in the undertaking, ' a
substantial return in the shape of valuable
works of Art."
Among the objects for which the Palace
was designed, rope-walking, circus-riding,
and'Cockney diversions in general were not
included. So Punch heartily wishes, under
sew arrangements, better luck to the Crystal
Palace, and a return to the original inten-
tions.
72
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 17, 1877.
MIDHAT AND HIS MASTER.
(A Orowlfrom the Grand Turk.)
' \ direful study of the Arabian Nights would be a better guide to the mysteries of Turkish policy
him tl' eiTiitiny of protocols and despatches." Times.
iDHAibeblowed! That's
Giaour slang !
And let the Plenipos
go hang !
Conference ? Consti-
tution ? Foh !
Shall Padishahs be
muzzled so ?
Still Bosphorus Seven
Towers doth lick,
Where Giaours of En-
voys once ate stick.
Ask guarantees from
the Grand Turk P
A very, pretty piece of
work!
"What hath a Sultan but a " pshah "
For irreducible minima !
It was not thus in MAHMOUD'S time,
Nor in the glorious golden prime
Of good HAEOUN ALRASCHID !
Bowstrings and Bosh ! Thinks he he
can
Turn upside down the Ottoman ?
Who is this MIJIHAT, to o'errule
The Pasha-power of Istamboul ?
Sherbet and Sheitan ! Are we sons
Born of burnt fathers ? Ships and
guns
We've borrowed from the upstart
West,
Her spare cash helped her to invest ;
But now these Giaours, by word and
blow,
That the East's still the East, we'll
show !
By change untouched, untaught by
time,
As it was in the golden prime
Of good HABOUN ALEASCHID !
The Padishah, a paper-thrall,
At MIDHAT'S whistle to sing small !
A Constitution one decrees
A bubble blown the Giaour to please
On SALISBURY'S high waves to pour
*r foil,
IGN ATIEFF'S little game to spoil,
But to be carried out ? Oh, no !
MIDHAT will find that way 's no go.
MIDHAT shall quit, and ne'er come
back
We'll give him what Giaours' call
"the sack"
A sack I.'d sink in Bosphorus slime,
If this were but the golden prime
QOf good HAROTJN ALHASCHID !
What ! Shall a Sultan live in fear
Of a Reforming Grand Vizier ?
A text for quidnuncs and for quiz-
zers ?
Of Softas to say nought, or scissors.
y~.
- /,i*s
/ -A
*Ai, ^ l / ^ A
N lfu<2^3:>Ab
vt^r-^w,-^^^
, ^- - ^ ^-^ 4^
Bowstring the dog ! Or, stop a bit
Hoist with his own petard 'twill fit !
Pull his own Constitution's trigger
A hundred and thirteen 's the figure
And floor the rogue with his own gun ;
So at least one thing 'twill have done.
A cup of coffee, spiced and strong,
Had oeen more Eastern, and less long.
But ours is a degenerate time ;
Ah, how unlike the golden prime
Of good HAROTTN AJLRASCHID !
A Passengers' Railway Question.
ON the Metropolitan District Railway a driver, losing nerve, backs a train downhill against
another train, smashing 120 passengers. In compensation for their injuries, they gtt 10,800.
Against this sum the Company has to put only 1 2s. 6d., the amount of the sufferers'
fares. The Directors consider the compensation excessive. Had they to pay no more than
the amount they themselves thought reasonable, how many more accidents than at present
would occur in a given time on the Metropolitan District Railway ?
SIGNS OF SPRING.
PARISIAN Governesses are giving the last
touch of French polish to their pupils.
Music-Masters are coaching fluttering
debutantes in CHOPIN'S Mazurkas.
Dancing-Mistresses are giving six lessons
in the lately-revived kick-up the Polka.
The Board of Works is carefully covering
a fine layer of broken bricks and. smashed
bottles with finer gravel, and calling the
mixture llotten Row.
Young WILD OTES is growing Gardenias
in pots in his bed-room, and nas taken a
Farce to three Managers without any other
result than polite refusal.
CAPTAIN MONTE BKAG is practising seve-
ral new tricks with the cards, with a view
to simplifying ecarte and piquet.
LADY HIGHFLYER has been closeted with
MADAME RACHEL, who has had the impu-
dence to crop up again.
The Bower of Beauty and the Fountain
of Youth are besieged every day by Ladies
who have faith in metallic dyes and arsenical
lotions.
Several Screws, "the property of Gen-
tlemen going abroad," are being highly
groomed and carefully fed.
Sand-cracks are being filled up, scars
painted over, and loose boxes prepared for
the reception of the splendid Park Hacks,
which " a well-known Lady of fashion has
no further use for."
Dog Importers are busy picking up stray
pets, and rendering them unrecognisable,
with a view to ready sale.
Awful sacrifices are making room for
Spring stocks in West End monster maga-
zines.
The Snowdrops and Violets of London
Ball-rooms are opening their modest eyes
to an imaginary future of blissful walt/es
and bewildered Baronets.
GUNTER is laying down Ice and crusty
old Waiters.
And MR. GYE has found a Tenor who will
make us forget MARIO, and a debutante up
to her work.
ETON COPY-HEADS.
(From a set in the Possession of W. E. G.)
ACCEPT anybody's advances.
Boys' bills should be big.
Cash connection combines classes,
DuUes are desirable.
Eton enforces expensive habits.
Family feeling is foolish.
Good money gives good graces.
Hard cash holds the highest.
Impecuniosity is ignominious.
Juvenile junketting is jolly.
Keep kicking down cash.
Lavishness leads to love.
Money makes many friends.
Needy niceness is nasty.
Own money is good : other people's
better.
Procure plenty of pocket-money .
Question quarterly allowances.
Reward riches with respect.
Silence self-reproach with silcer.
Treat titles tenderly.
Use upward opportunities.
Virtue is not its own reward.
Wealth is the wise man's worth.
X-pensive habits are to be x-tolled.
Youthful excesses are usual.
Zounds! how things have changed since
my time .'
NEW TITLK. For Conference Protocols,
read last edition of CeciFs Remains.
FKHHIJAUY 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
BOSOM SECRETS.
HEN a Lady of Mr.
Punch's acquain-
tance was in Paris
not very long ago,
she ordered a dress
at a famous Mo-
diste's, but found,
when she tried it
mi, that she could
hardly breathe.
On her complain-
ing to the Modiste
that the dress was
too tight over the
chest
vous, Madame f "
exclaimed that
fuiititnl follower
if not framer
of the fashion.
" On tie porte plus
,!,- fforye" ("Bo-
soms are not worn
now").
"Qu'est-ttott'on
..iiitilimi-'f" I But
how do Ladies
manage;'") asked
her innocent Eng-
lish customer.
Mail, dame, on tile la ouate " (" Oh! they take out the wadding"), was the
...lly innocent answer.
Punch had never fully appreciated the bearings of this perfectly true story
V*
,-'
till the other day when he came upon the following para-
graph in one of the leading ladies' journals :
" BUT a pair of Maintenon coraeta, fitting your waist measure.
The other part* of the coreet will be proportioned ai you ought
to be. Fut the coraet on, and fill the vacant apacea with tine
ji'wclli'ra" wool, then tack on a piece of apft ilk or cambric over
the bust thua formed to keep the wool in place, renewing it aa
often ai required. Thia ia the moat natural and effectual mode
of improving the figure which I have heard of."
Now Punch sees how exactly the Parisian ModitU't
i>lan came home to her own business and her customers'
bosoms.
A CASE FOR CLERGYMAN-ITELPS.
GIVEN occasion for Gentleman-Helps generally, doe*
not a pita suggest itself in particular for Clergyman-
Helps 'r 1 To a certain extent every Curate is a Clergy-
man-Help, but to complete that character he should live
in his Employer's Parsonage, or Palace, clean boots and
shoes, knives and forks, wait at table, officiate in the
stable, and work in the garden, being all the while as far
i Me treated as one of the family. His wages of
100 a year or so would then supply him with some of
the comforts of life, and perhaps enable _him to put by a
little provision besides for a season of being out of place,
or a rainy day of disestablishment and disendowment.
As to married Curates, subsisting on their mere
stipends, a Clergyman-Help of that sort might be em-
ned as gardener and man-of-all-work, to milk, and
the pigs and so forth, whilst his wife could, in a
genteel way, take in washing and keep a mangle. How
such couples continue to make both ends meet without
recourse to some such means, is a mystery suggesting that
in the Established Church the Age of Miracles is not yet
over.
THE "DREADNOUGHT" ASHORE.
UK ut a hand there, Ladies and Gentlemen with a shot in the locker
for poor JACK ! The publication of the last Report, read the other day
at the Fifty-Sixth Annual Meeting of the Seamen's Hospital Society,
will tend to correct a confusion of ideas, injurious to that charit-
able institution. When people are advertised that contributions
and subscriptions thereunto are received by the Bankers, MKSSF.^.
WILLIAMS, DEACON, & Co., Birchin Lane, or by the Secretary,
" Seamen's Hospital, Greenwich," they are apt to imagine them-
selves invited to contribute to the maintenance of Greenwich
Hospital itself. Supposing Greenwich Hospital well enough en-
dowed, and supported besides with public money, they are apt to
decline that invitation.
The smaller Hospital has got to be confounded with the greater,
especially among seamen of the Mercantile Marine, in consequence
of the removal on shore of the Seamen's Hospital from on board the
old Dreadnought, so long a conspicuous object in the Thames, sug-
gestive of pleasing associations with whitebait. But the Report
abovementioned now informs its readers that the Seamen's Hospital,
Greenwich, receives no aid from Government whatsoever, except
hquserpom ; the use of the Infirmary on their premises at Green-
wich, instead of the loan of a ship, to the additional comfort of the
patients indeed, but the proportionate increase of expenditure of
quite fifteen per cent, for their maintenance, requiring to be met by
voluntary contributions.
Now all this is explained, it may be hoped that the Seamen's
Hospital will cease to suffer from a misconception precisely similar
in its effect to the detriment sustained by MESSES. SHABEACH'S
establishment at the hands of MESSRS. MESHECH. through the
dissemination of "the untradesman-like falsehood, it 's the same
concern.' "
So far from being the same concern with Greenwich Hospital, the
Seamen's Hospital, Greenwich, is quite another concern. It is
free to sick seamen of all nations. Within the scope of its cosmopo-
litan hospitality, come not only medicine and surgery for nautical
sufferers, but also the provision, if possible, of employment for them
when cured. It contains two hundred beds constantly occupied ;
and to keep charity going at this rate needs voluntary contributions
yearly to the amount of 8,000, or, rather, according to a state-
ment made in Cannon Street, of 10,000. It nearly paid its expenses
last year, but not quite ; and owes 1,539 6s. Orf. Every Briton,
whose song is " Rule, Britannia!" must see that, as an insti-
tution subservient to the spirit of that chorus, the Seamen's Hos-
pital (late Dreadnought) is a charity beyond all others for which the
hat may justifiably be sent round. Its expenditure has much in-
creased lately through the rise in provisions, amounting to 506
additional in the last year alone. A hospital, however, need not,
like almost every individual member of the community except but-
chers, be the worse off for "Progress." Subscriptions, donations,
and bequests in plenty, on the part of a generous Public, will doubt-
less enable the Seamen's Hospital Society to keep pace with the
times, whilst all but the most economical housekeepers are out-
running the constable. The Dreadnought (that was) should have
nought to dread.
A page of the Society's Report is occupied with a table of Ports in
the United Kingdom whence patients were sent them last year so
many from each ; together with a list of annual subscriptions sent
also by those Ports some of them. For, in several instances, op-
posite to a considerable figure in the Patients' column, the Subscrip-
tion column presents " Nil." We need only remind those who thus
show their unremitting interest in the Hospital, that ex nihilo nihilfit
"Nothing can come of nothing" in the long run ; though they
have made their own nothings, thus far, produce something consider-
able. Let them clap the omitted figure to the left of their round Os,
and give them their proper values.
THE EYE-OPENER FOR ENGLAND.
FKOM the Blue Book on the Conference it appears that the SCT.TAIT
was persuaded, notwithstanding LORD SALISBURY'S assurances to
the contrary, that " the alienation of a large portion of the English
people " from the side of Turkey "was due rather to the repudiation
of the Turkish debt than to the atrocities in Bulgaria." Not quite
so, Padishah. No large portion of the English people is so very
mercenary as all that. It was not the repudiation of the Turkish
debt which principally alienated even the Turkish bondholders from
you. The Bulgarian atrocities did it simply of themselves. All that
the repudiation of the Turkish debt did was to open the eyes of th^
British Public, and especially those of Tiirkey s Creditors, to the
turpitude of tho Bulgarian atrocities.
The Porte and the Power*.
IT is whispered that a high Turkish Official, speaking of the six
Governments represented at the late ineffectual Conference,
observed, at a late Divan, that they might call themselves the six
Powers, but he, for his part, called them the six Weaknesses.
SHAKsrEABIAJ? MOTTO RECENTLY ADOPTED BT MK. GLADSTONE.
" I will something affect the litter, for it argues facility."
Love'i Labour ' Lot, Act iv. a. 2.
VOL. LXXII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUABY 24, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
PRELIMINARY.
THE Ghost of SAMTTEL PEPYS, flattered by the admission of his
report of the dehate on the Address, and delighted to resume his
habit, when in the flesh, of recording the day's news, has so pressed
for permission to supply Punch's Parliamentary Essence once more
at least, that Mr. Punch has consented, after a long interview with
SAMUEL'S spirit materialised, in the ghost of his purple camlet suit
with silver buttons, to humour the social old spirit.
" And methinks," said ;the Ghost, after urging other 'reasons,
" it should be pretty and profitable to your readers to see how the
debates of my Lords and Commons do seem to one that remembers
the Long Parliament, and the Rump and the Parliaments after the
King's joyful Restoration, when money was so hard to come by for all,
and Our Office especially, in such straits. Though, indeed, save in the
matter of money, it do seem as if Our Office were still for the most part
in as sore straits as when I was Clerk of the Acts, and as many 'mis-
haps among our ships, and the Board abused, on all hands, as
roundly ; but, Lord, to see how coolly they do take it, so as my LORD
SANDWICH himself could not have borne the storm more easily."
Mr, Punch had some difficulty in stopping the mouth of the gar-
rulous old Ghost, which he did at last with Admiralty Blue Books on
the cases of the Captain and the Vanguard. We subjoin his report,
just received. It is tco long, but we print it as sent :
Monday, February 12 (Lords). Question by my LORD DUKE OF
ST. ALBANS, touching the Officers of Her Majesty's Engineers sent
out last autumn to Constantinople, to what end was their survey of
the defences thereof, and what the Turk was like to have thought of
the same, as promising them from us help in need. But my LORD
CADOSAN answered roundly that these Officers had surveyed and re-
ported for service of Her Majesty's Government, and not of the
Turk, and as for what the Turk might argue thereof, they of the
Government knew not, and had no need to trouble themselves, with
which my Lord Duke was fain to be content ; and methinks my LORD
CADOGAN, for a young Lord, hath already well learnt the manner of
answering, that we had in my time in Our Office, when saucy rogues
would put questions easier to ask than to answer.
And then the Lords to mighty serious debate of the new
roadway at Hyde Park Corner, which do much concern many of
my Lords, their wives and daughters, that do drive oft that way,
and are sore hindered by the great press of common coaches, and
marvellous to see how all wheeled carnages be multiplied in this town
since the first.licensing of the hackney coaches which I remember.
My LOUD BEACONSFIELD did speak mighty solemnly on this grave
matter ; and methinks it is well their Lordships should give their
minds to other questions than Eastern. But no new road yet, nor,
methinks, like to be this long while, but much sedulous consideration
FEBRUARY 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
75
A POSER.
Sporting Oent. " I SAT, TH HUE'S A LOT o" YOUB 'OoNDS BCNNINQ THE OTHKE SIDE o THE WATER !"
Huntsman. " THEN PERHAPS YOU'LL JUST POP OVJEB, AND GIVE 'EM A HOLLOO !" [Sporting Gent subsides.
by the Board of Works of the reasons against all that are proposed.
And, indeed, it is no light matter for my Lords and their Ladies,
and for the Board of Works, that may not fitly go to work but on full
consideration.
(Commons.} To question of MR. ASHLEY, MR/BOTTRKE, a brisk
young man, and Under Secretary to my LORD DERBY, had a hard busi-
ness in explaining of the steps taken by the Turk in compliance with
my LORD DERBY'S sharp letter touching the punishment of those con-
cerned in the Bulgarian atrocities, wherein many sentences have
been passed, as I did gather, but could hear of neither sentences nor
offenders executed as yet, but a Commission still examining and
seeking for what the French call Midi a quatorze heuret. Pleasant
to hear how SHEFKET PASHA, the leader of all the atrocities, is not
under arrest, but under surveillance, which do seem to me mighty
different. So the upshot of all do seem to be, much said but nothing
done, as is usual with the Turk.
Then other replies to other.' questions touching these Turkish
matters, as of the Loan, and the departure of SIR HENRY ELLIOT,
and a certain despatch of my LORD DERBY'S ; and I do see plainly
there is like to be no lack of questions for my LORD DERBY and SIR
STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, and 1 do wish them both well delivered of
their answers. Then much other confused business, which I could
not note.
At last the House to debate sharply of MR. SMYTH'S Bill for Closing
of Irish Public-houses on Sunday, which the Government be of a
mind to grant, as it were experimeittum in corppre vili, though they
will none of it here. But, Lord, to see how Irish Members do con-
tradict each other flatly herein, as in other things ; one O'SomvAN
crying the Bill down as a wicked thing " to affect the interests of
many thousand Irishmen, and to restrict the liberty and ancient
privileges of Ireland," whereof, doubtless, the privilege of getting
drunk on Sunday, as on other days, is one of the most ancient. And
then to hear one SULLIVAN, without the " 0." calling lustily for the
Bill; and a gross, fat man, one MAJOR (/GORMAN, mighty loud
against it, and methinks did bear him as like the fat knight in
SHAKSPEABE'S play as ever I saw ; and much laughter of the House,
whether at his brogue or his belly I could not learn, but do believe
the one did help the other. Among other things of this O'GoRMAN's
that moved the House to mirth, was this, that for an Irishman to
get drunk on a Sunday "anywhere save in a licensed public-house,
though it ;were tub Jovefrigido the fat Major being one that can.
talk Latin, as indeed, most of your Irish be scholars, after some
sort was an insult to the Queen's Majesty, which puzzled me.
But whether the Irish people be in truth for or against.this Bill, I
know not. Forthe biggest towns Dublin, Cork, Belfast.'Waterford,
Limerick the Secretary for Ireland did hold it wise to have in-
quiry made of the matter by Select Committee. And nu thinks if
the public-houses cannot be shut on Sundays in these great towns,
it is little that they should be shut in smaller places. But Irish
reasons are, and have ever been since first I heard of them, '.hard to
fathom. So I wish the Bill a good deliverance, and no more heads
or windows broken than is needful.
Then a Bill moved for Valuation of Property for Rating, being a
remanet from last year like so many of the Bills this Session. But
whether this Bill be better or worse than last year's, I know not.
And methinks the House was no wiser than I, which comforts me.
Only I am thankful there were no such Bills, and few such rates, in
my time.
Also a Bill touching Patents brought in ; the same that they have
been trying to pass these two years. But whether this one will be
got passed I could not learn. Yet methinks it is sore needed, for
inventions do multiply strangely, beyond aught that was dreamed
of in my time ; and where they will stop, I see not. Lord grant it
may all be for good. But am glad of one thing, that MR. ATTORNEY-
GENERAL do own that poor men have a right to profit by the work
of their brains, whereto this Bill is meant to help ; so I wish well to it.
Tuesday (Lords). My LORD GRASVILLE to question of my LORD
DERBY touching the treaty for mutual delivering up of law-breakers
passing between this country and the 'United States of America,
whither in my time they did deport rogues, but they now, it seems,
being their own masters, do send their rogues to us, and we ours to
them, as it were in the way of barter.
And my LORD DERBY to explain how herein matters are again as
they were, before he did get into a quarrel with one Fisn, the
States' Secretary, last year ; so I do find my Lord hath had to
eat his words, but put it as if he had not, yet doth it with as good
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1877.
SAWBATH RECREATION.
Gentleman from 2V. B. (he had sent his Presbyterian Sutler to a service at West-
minster Abbey). " WELL, DUGALD, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT I"
DlU/ald. "AWEBL, SlK, IT WAS M AIR LIKE HEEV'N THAN AlKTH ; BUT E H,
SlB, IT '8 JUST AN AWFU 1 WAY o' SPKNNIN' TUB SAWBATH, YON I I "
a grace as ever I saw, and much chuckling thereat among my Lords of the Oppo-
sition. Pleasant to see how friendly their Lordships be on both sides, and now
smooth-spoken, and my LORD GBANVILLE one of the pleasantest, yet can give
a smart rap with a smiling face. And after, 'the same Lord mighty curious to
know why, in the papers touching the Eastern Question, was no word of my
LOED SALISBURY'S conversations with PBINCE BISMARCK, and PRESIDENT MAC-
MAHON, and the Due DECAZES, hut did assume it was for convenience of the
public service, to which my LORD DERBY did agree. So I could not see why my
LOED GBAXVILLE should ask the question.
My LOED DERBY did add, wisely, that some talk with foreign Ministers was of
no account, and such it was good to'publish : but some of grave account, and as
to that sort the public were best kept in the dark. "Which puzzled me.
(Commons.) More questioning of Ministers : and one SAMUELSON, a brisk
man, asking if my LOED BEACONSFIELD, when he spoke so warlike at Guild-
hall last December, had in his pocket the letter of His Majesty the CZAB OP
MUSCOVY vouching his will for peace, SIE STAFFORD NOBTHCOTE did answer
him so shortly and roundly as moved the laughter of the House ; meaning
that my LORD BEACONSFIELD did look on the CZAR'S letter as but a canard,
or Muscovy Duck, which is the name they give now to flams on public matters.
But how the CZAR would stomach his letter being so. taken, I wonder.
Then ME. FAWCETT, a mighty clear-spoken man in matters of Finance,
and sharp-sighted for all he is blind, did move to reap-point the Select Com-
mittee, that has sat for three years inquiring into Indian Finance, but never yet
got so far as reporting, so that I was reminded of the hen that laid so many
eggs she could never come to the hatching of any. For their reappointment he
did give mighty good reasons, and indeed when a man thinks over all he said,
the one reason against such a Committee would seem to be that its work can
only be well done in India ; and asks rather for a great Minister of Finance
than the best Committee that ever did hatch a ;Blue Book, which, as yet, this
Committee hath not done, only taken more evidence than anybody will ever care
to read.
And to this effect spoke one SMOLLETT, a rough-tongued man, but ready, and
i hard hitter all round, and would have had the House vote to leave off all
spending on public works in India, and cease to distinguish between ordinary
and extraordinary expenses in, its reckoning. Which methinks were a starving
the horse to save the cost of his feed. And was smartly rapped over the
knuckles by a mighty brisk young LORD GEORGE HAMIL-
TON, of the Indian Secretary's Office, that it was a
pleasure to hear how trippingly he spoke, and yet to
the point ; so that it was pretty to see how well he had
learnt his lesson ; and the House did cheer him mightily
when he went into the Indian accounts, and showed a
brave array of figures against ME, FAWCETT, and made
put things in India hopeful and thriving, save for this
famine and fall in silver, and was for no Committee, so
the House did say no to FAWCETT by 173 to 123, and to
SMOLLETT without a division, all being against him save
himself, and methinks he is one of that sort that do often
find themselves in a minority of one.
Wednesday. Being Ash Wednesday, the Lords sat
not at all, and the Commons not till two, for which I
was glad, being' already wearied of my week's work,
and Iknew not before they sat so late, and talked BO
much.
A Bill to guard the mouths of thrashing-machines
and might, methinks, be extended to the House of
Commons, where be many machines with mouths that
grind chaff, and so waste time.
One PARNELL moved a Bill to enable buyers of Irish
Church lands to spread their payments over fifty-two
years, and to pay nothing at first buying. Which
methinks was cool, even for an Irish Member to ask ;
and the House would none of it, though the Irish Home-
Rule Members of one mind for once. So the Bill was
thrown out by 150 to 110.
A Bill, moved by one WILSON, to forbid the Sale
of Drink on Sundays in England and Wales. The first
child, methought, of MB. SMYTH'S Bill, and much debate
whether leave should be given to bring it in or no, and,
in the end, leave given, which I was sorry for.
Thursday (Lords). Nought worth noting but my
LOED DUKE OF ARGYLL'S notice of Question for next
Tuesday on my LORD SALISBURY'S instructions, and if
the Government propose to do aught, and what, in fur-
therance thereof.
(Commons.) More questions. ME. WAED HUNT did
explain to SIR GEOEGE CAMPBELL how HOBART PASHA,
an English Captain, commanding the navy of the Turk,
having been struck off the list and pay of his rank in
1868, was in 1874 restored to the same, but no reason
given. And in Our Office methinks, in my time, we had
not restored one of our Captains who had taken service
with the Infidel. But now 'tis otherwise only land-
officers may not so serve without leave first given ; which
Euzzles me, to find a reason why what is sauce for the
md-bird should not be sauce also for the sea-fowl.
To SIR WILLIAM HAHCOURT SIR STAFFORD NOETHCOTE
did explain how SIE THOMAS ELLIOT did leave Constan-
tinople like the other Ambassadors being ordered home
to report, but not in disgrace, and was sick whereat no
wonder, with the sickening work he hath had.
Then one KYLANDS, a man of a rasping tongue, to move
the rejection of the Prisons' Bill, for bringing of prisons
under the control of Government; and much brave talk
of Local Self-Government, which is, indeed a grand
thing to talk of : and one CHAMBERLAIN, the stout and
high-stomached member for Birmingham, and ME.
NEWDEGATE, a solemn-spoken gentleman of Warwick-
shire, and SIE WALTER BAETTELOT, a lusty Sussex
Baronet, did follow on the same side ; and pretty
to see now the two country gentlemen did sleek and
stroke down the Birmingham man, but all to no pur-
pose, for the House, thinking the Bill needful, and no
check to local self-government, however it might be to
local jobbery, and like to bring better governing of
prisons, did vote the Bill by 279 to 69.
Friday (Lords). Mighty grave talk of business to he
done hereafter, hut none done yet. And sure, LORD
BEACONSITIELD performs his new part as solemn as ever I
see.
( Commons.) The night's work begun by a question of
Sm C. DILKE and sure never was such a questioning
as nowa-nights, and, methinks, little reason for Members
to call " Question ! Question ! " as they do, seeing the
questions do come without calling. And so MR. BOUKKE
to his reply, that the Government do mean to answer the
Muscovite despatch, when the time comes, and they know
what to say, and what the other Powers are of a mind to
say. And then to Committee of Supply, hut first MB.
GLADSTONE to call attention .to our treaties with the
Turk and others, and to consider how we stand bound
FEBRUARY 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
77
thereby and thereon as high and hot debate as ever I heard i
the headiest days of the Long Parliament, in the course whereo
one CHAPLIN, a Lincolnshire Squire, did make as if he would pluc
MK. GLADSTONE by the beard, who did take it in snuff, and did giv
MASTER CHAPLIN, a young, brisk fellow, but one that is better known
for a horse-courser than a politician, such a tongue-basting as di
me good to hear, and methought I wag at the handling of som
rake-helly young Cavalier by a grave Precisian, as it might [b
M \M I:K PIIYNXK or MAM Kit KKLUKN, in the Protector's time.
For the rest, much wild and whirling talk of these treaties an
their force, between MB. HAHDY, the Secretary for War, and LOH.
: MOM Adi;, another of your brisk gallants, and MB. GBAN
a weasel -faced man, and shrill-voiced, but of rare repute fo
knowing the minds and cities of many men, and wise beyond commo
men's measure, and one COOBTNEY, new come into the House for Lis
kcard, and as I do hear a smart writer, and one that looks to rise
and indeed spoke more to the point than the rest, and one SMYTH
an Irishman, mighty flowery and flowing of discourse, that it wa
pretty to hear, and others, but I, sore weary of it all, and could pie
nought out but many " An this be so, then that is so ; " but wha
these treaties do in truth bind us to, or the other Powers part
thereunto, or the Turk, or if indeed they bind either to aught, i
more than I could learn.
Only, MB. GLADSTONE do speak marvellous well, and weightily
and, methought, glowed as with a white heat, that it was tine t(
listen to him, and pity of MAST Kit CHAPLIN under his chiding ; bu
j-et mighty silly of him to shoot at one that beareth too many gun
for his tonnage.
And, so the debate adjourned till next Friday, and I home in _
muddle. But I do see clearly that whatever these treaties be. no-
thing will come of them all. And so best. But methought, had the
<>1<1 Protector Men here, things would scarce run all thus to jangli
and tangle and talk as they do, and methinks will do for somewhil
yet.
LENTEN PENANCES.
lit Prince of Wales, To
open a public Building, or
preside at a public Meeting
once in each week.
The Lord Privy Seal.
To listen to the MABQUIS
OF SALISBURY'S speeches.
The Chancellor of the
Exchequer. The prepara-
tion of his Budget.
The Earl of Derby.
answer the Russian Note.
The First Lord of the
Admiralty. To spend a
few days with MB. E. J.
REED.
Mr. Gladstone. To be
debarred from the ue of
writing materials.
Mr. Lowe. To make a
voyagejto Greece, and in-
spect DB. SCHUEIIANN'S
treasures.
The Speaker.~-To pre-
side at the meeting of a
Debating Society every
Wednesday and Saturday
evening.
The Lord Chamberlain.
lo visit all the London theatres in turn, and remain until the fall
of the curtain.
Nir H'i/ friil Lawson.To go the round of the great Breweries.
iff. II halley. To hear CARDINAL MANNING and MONSIGNOB
APKL preach alternately.
The. Poet Laureate. To produce an Ode or Idyl on the Eastern
Question.
Mr. Kuskiii.To take lodgings in the centre of Huddersfield or
VV igan, or some other manufacturing town in Lancashire or York-
shire.
ATr. Morris. To dine out in rooms with outrageous wall-papers.
Motor Gorman. To give evidence against Irish Whisky before
,ne House ot Lords Committee on Intemperance.
v ?*."''.* Tmth -~ To pay the costs, and apologise to LOBD
. KN/ANCK.
His Congregation. fo attend service at the nearest Nonconformist
chapel.
>, r/ ";> E d ito rs of the Ministerial Papers. To read through "the
Blue Book on the Eastern Question.
The Pope. To make it up with the KIM. or ITALY.
The United States. To pay back to England the unappropriated
balance of the Alabama Award.
i:\PERIENCE8 OF ETON.
DEAB MB. PUNCH,
KNOWING you are a bold defender of truth, I wish to offer
a remark on MB. GLAIISTONE'S statement at Marlborough the other
day, that Eton boys are worshippers of Mammon. I wish to good-
ness they were. Then possibly 1 might have got into "Pop" by
this time. (" Pop," you know, is our name for the .School Debating
Society, to which all the swells belong.) But they won't elect me,
just because I can't row or play cricket well, and I 'm not in the
sixth Form. I suppose I 'm not what is called " popular " among
the fellows. Why, my father could buy up any dozen of these
fellows who swagger about here as if the place belonged to them.
But they black-balled mo when I tried to get into "Pop" last
halt, wliieh shows that they don't understand the value of money,
and are, therefore, even greater fools than MB. GI.AUMO.NK imagines.
Yours faithfully,
Eton College. CHCESUS MAJOB.
DEAB MB. Puscn,
I KSOW you 're a fast friend of the nobility, so perhaps you
won't mind my making a remark. Some fellow here told me that
GLADSTONE had been saying in a speech somewhere that Eton fellows
worshipped rank. I don't find it so, I assure you. You know I
belong to one of the oldest families in the peerage, and at home
[ can bully the servants as much as I please, and everyone bows and
scrapes to me and calls me " My Lord ! " Now, somehow or other,
the tellows here don't see this. They all laughed when I tried it on.
And that low brute, SMITH MAX, my fagmaster (I hope he won't
see this, or he '11 work me off as sure as a gun), actually makes me
cook his beefsteak every morning, run up and down for him all day,
ind make his tea and toast at night, just as if I was a commoner.
Confound his impudence ! But they don't understand the value of
rank at Eton, that 'n the plain truth of it.
Eton College.
Yours,
TOMNODDY.
GATES AJAR.
MB. PUNCH, respecting the cloth, is always sorry when the British
lerk in orders out of the pulpit, of course sinks to what may be
mildly described as "twaddle. 1 ' But when twaddle takes the
ihape of impertinence and ignorance combined, Mr. Punch feels
limself in duty bound to bring his baton heavily over the dclin-
uent's fingers. What rap could be too heavy for a certain REVKBEND
IB. GATES, whp, at a recent meeting of sympathisers with MB.
'OOTH, at Warrington, said (alluding to LOBD PENZANCE) "that a
man who had spent all his life in adjusting the relationship of
dulterers and adulteresses was little fit to decide doctrines of the
Jhurch " ?
Now, what LOBD PENZANCE has to decide is, not what are the doc-
trines of the Church, but what are the laws of the realm ; and what
s, and is not, in accordance with them ; and his intimate acquaint-
nce with one branch of legal learning does not in any way affect
us qualifications in another. Mr. Punch is irresistibly reminded
^f certain Pharisees who found fault with the Founder of the
Church for being seen in company with publicans and sinners. But
ven they wpuld scarce have cast stones at the Great Judge before
whom the sinning woman was brought for the " adjustment of her
elationship " witn harshly-judging and erring mankind ; yet here
s this Reverend Gentleman who, as Master Page says, " belike
laving received wrongs by some person, is at most odds with his own
gravity and patience," indulging in a most offensive insinuation
against one of the shining lights of the English Bench !
Mr. Punch replies in the anything but shallow words of SHAK-
EABE ' I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning
w wide of his own respect ; " and sincerely hopes, though gentlemen
nth such ideas are generally as obstinate as they are foolish, that
MB. GATES is, before this, heartily ashamed of himself.
TO AN ANAOBAMMATIC COBBKSPONDKST.
WHEBK 's the error P The EARL OF BBACONSTTELD " is the real
ace of Old Ben." Who dares say he isn't ?
WHY is Saturday the best day to make inquiries at the General
ost Office?
Because it 's ten to one you '11 find the Clerks there, and on other
ays it 's ten to four.
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBEUABY 24, 1877.
SEEN FROM A RAILWAY DURING THE LATE FLOODS.
BETSY PRIG TO A CERTAIN PARTY.
What, part with my Party ? No fear ! It is nothing but spite as
suggests it.
If there 's love for true Liberal ways ' tis B. PRIG'S faithful buzzum
as nests it.
But that party 's gone awfully wrong under leadership blind and
contrairy,
And rounds on its own .blessed BETSY, and goes and confounds her
with SAIREY.
Which matters are getting most awkward, and werry much mixed
up and muddled.
Those Blue Books do bother me dreadful, and make me feel flurried
and fuddled,
While DERBY and SALISBURY somehow my counsels appear to
be mocking :
The way as they 've talked to the Turk on the quiet is regular
shocking !
Why WILLIAM could hardly hit harder. And here has B. PRIG been
a-praising
Bland BENJAMIN'S much milder ways. Such a right-about turn is
quite crazing.
My MIDHAT, too, mizzled ! It 's awful ! And then that there sweet
Constitution !
Will nobody say a good word for it? Gracious I This it retri-
bution !
And here hare I been a perf ormin' the patriot superior to party,
And sticking sly pins into GLADSTONE, and artfully touching up
Ji ARTY !
Coming down on that greedy old Bear every day with a reg'lar good
But to find the Conservative POMPEY so much like the Liberal
What, what has become of my Watchwords? Traditional policy ?
fled!
f Paris? - thedus tof the Pharaohs ain't, hardly more
And as for the Turk's independence, integrity, pride, and all that,
Why the Guv'ment has served 'em like so many nine-pins, and
knocked 'em all flat.
Yet stay, there's one hope. No Coercion! My conjuring terms
ain't all gone.
Though there isn't much left to be fighting for, here is a sort of a bone :
The Turk has met scolding and snubbing, and wolumes of wicked
aspersion,
But let us stand out hard and fast against even "contingent"
coercion.
And ye Liberal lambs who so long loved the lead of my crook and
my flute,
Come rafly once more round your BETSY, nor fear that her pipe will
be mute.
Don't, BETSY conjures you, go dallying with Russia. It's jest
ruination,
From GORTSCHAKOFF, GLADSTONE & Co. let B. PEIG be your shield
and salvation !
A PLEA FOR A PORTICO.
THE Board of Works, as part of its plan for a new thoroughfare
from Tottenham Court Road to Charing Cross, proposes to sweep
away the platform of the famous portico of St. Martin's Church, and,
instead, to stilt up the pillars on pedestals, and to Limit the steps to
a break-neck staircase from the church-doors to the face of the portico.
The Vicar writes to protest in the name of the parish and he
might have added, of Punch. We have not so many good examples
of Palladian architecture in England that we can afford to mutilate
about the best of them.
If St. Martin divided his cloak with the beggar, that is no good
reason for the Saint dividing his portico which may be symbolised
as his "dickey" with the Board of Works, who are not beggars,
but choosers. In this case let Parliament say, " We don't choose."
The refusal may lead to some alteration in the plans, even to some
deviation from the proposed line of street. But what though ?
St. Martin de Tours will but be St. Martin de detours .' And the
portico is well worth a circumbendibus.
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to
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O
OQ
BBRUAHY 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
POST-CARD OPINIONS.
OXSCII-:N i mi's Mi:.
GLADSTONE! No
wonder that he takes
to writing upon Post-
Cards, when he is
pestered every day by
a myriad of busy-
bod ies, who plague
him with an endless
variety of questions,
which he is too polite
to pitch into his waste-
basket, unanswered.
What celerity of pen-
manship, and what
abounding store of
patience a Statesman
must command, when
his morning's work
consists in furnishing
succinct and publish-
able answers to such
queries as the follow-
ing!
Are you a believer
in the Tomb of Aga-
memnon, as recently
discovered, and how
do you account for the
number of buttons
1 ' found in it ? And do
that HOMER was a man, and not a noun of multitude signifying many ?
What are your opinions on the Great Eastern Question ? And would you
advise a jobber to bull or bear in Turks and Egyptians for speculative purposes ?
Do you consider it consistent in a Vivisectionist to open half-a-score of
oysters for his supper, and, if so, is it worse in him to pepper and vinegar them ?
vv hat are your ideas as to the present whereabouts and chances of discovery
of the missing Gainsborough P
Oblige me, confidentially, with your views upon the
Tooth ease If
It yiiu wi-r(! the driver of an Ass averse to speed, would
you consider yur.sdt' justified in inflicting corporal
punishment, and if so on what grounds?
Have you tried Australian tinned meats ? And what
dodges do you recommend to make them go down with
the servants P
Please to state, from your own personal experience,
what you have ascertained, since leaving school, as to the
use of the Digamma.
What arguments would you adduce to show that 'Bus
Conductors should be exempt from Income-tax ?
The Churchwardens of Slobberton have quarrelled
with their Curate, because he will eat iniitlins and red
herrings upon fast-days. What course would you suggest
to bring about the wished-for reconciliation ?
Do you ever drink cheap Claret P If [so, what would
you prescribe as an efficacious antidote P
State concisely your opinions on the practice of
announcing " No Cards" in matrimonial advertisements.
If you wished to learn Chinese, how would you set
about it ?
When you cut a Tree down, do you take your coat off
and discard your braces P
To help a ragged Schoolmaster, please give a sketch
of Grecian politics in the time of ARISTOTLE.
What Tobacco do you smoke ? and do you approve of
Binking P
What are your private views upon DJSSCAHTKS' Atomic
Theory, and do you recommend the use of Marmalade at
breakfast P
State, as briefly as you can, what you think of things
in general ?
A Vulgarian Atrocity.
Pio NONO loquitur.
INFALLIBLE, while erring man
Insists "You shall," I say " I shan't."
As "vpssumui" is " Vat-I-can,"
" Non positimus " is " Vat-I-can't."
SPELLING REFORM.
LAST night, at the usual meeting of the Jolly Codgers, Blue Lion,
Seven Dials, the proposed Spelling Reform was discussed. MR.
WILLIAM SIKES presided, and among those present were COSTER-
MONOER RoHKirr, FAKKMKNT JOB, ROKKY WILLIAM, SAILOR TOM, &c.
The Chairman, in opening the discussion, said, that the nation
demanded Reformed Spelling. (" 'Ear, 'ear ! ") The present system
was most vexatious to a gentleman whose time for schooling was
limited. When he was a ploughman which he was proud to say
he had whistled at the plough, and precious hard work it was,
and soon took the whistle out of a chap worse than the crank
some meddlesome fellow had the cheek to say in an argument that
cough and plough were spelt the same way. (" Shame .' ") He did,
though. But what did he (the Chairman) do '< He knocked the cove
down, and the beaks gave him three months for it. (" Oh, oh!")
Wasn't reform needed. (Cheers.)
SAILOR TOM entirely concurred with the remarks of the last
speaker, although, from experience, he was bound to say he did not
believe a single word of 'em. ( " ' Ear, 'ear ! ") Reform was needed.
His own plan was the best. He 'd tell 'em what it was. He was
called SAILOR, although he had been christened THOMAS CORAM,
arter the street where ne was found on a doorstep and conveyed to
the Foundlins Orspital. And when he signed his name to articles
ho put down a cross, and there was no bother about spelling. He
warn't much of a scholar, but shiver his timbers if he could see why
some of the big wigs could not adapt his system to everythink.
FAKKMKNT JOE had been convinced of the iniquitousness of our
spelling ever since that great and glorious martyr Sra ROOER
CHARLES DOUGHTI TICHBORNE had been sent to prison for not spelling
his words according to harbitery rules.
The meeting here paused to give three cheers for DR. KENEALY.
On resuming business it was discovered that FAKKMENT JOB had
gone. It was also discovered that he had gone without paying his
share of the reckoning. It was further discovered that one or two
little articles belonging to various gentlemen had gone with him.
CosTRRMONfiER ROBERT said that all he wanted was that words
should be spelt as pronounced. Notwithstanding the accident to
the Chairman (Cheers) he would knock anyone down who said
that d-o-n-k-e-y spelt moke. He had been eddicated in his youth,
and found out that all this spelling was the fault of DR. JOH>
(Groans.) Who was this JOHNSON ? Why he was a noosepaper man in
the neighbourhood of Fleet Street. Fleet Street was one of his many
pitches. There was a deal of noosepaper men thereabouts still, and
he did not think much of ' em. They talked about the history of the
language. That be blowed. They said if you altered the spelling
they used now to the new way, you wouldn't be able to read books
printed the old way. Bother books ! They warn't no good as ever
he see. Give a cove a barrer, and let mm 'arn his own grub.
Heady money and no accounts was his mutter, and on that a cove
could get along werry well without readin and writin. He 'd fight
any man therefor half-a-crown. (Cheers.)
ROHKY WILLIAM thought the School-Board was at the bottom of
it all. He was a cat's-meat man. (Laughter.) They might laugh,
but it was a noble calling. The School-Board did it. His little
bor was at school, and only last night home he comes, and he says,
" rather, what 's written on your basket is wrong. ' Katsmete ' is
incorrect." So I says, " Is it, my shaver ? How do you spell
that P " And I gives him a tidy dusting. The meeting might
depend upon it, School-Boards was aggerawating.
Somebody then asked whether the Chairman was going to stand
anything. The Chairman said he wasn't. Somebody else threw a
pewter pot at the Chairman. The Chairman put out the gas. A
smart interchange of opinions then ensued, Finally, the whole
meeting, escorted by five constables (placed at their disposal through
the courtesy of MB. INSPECTOR X 1), proceeded to Bow Street, where
they passed the night.
On Seeing Mr. Clayton in "All for Her," and afterwards
in "The Danischeffs."
THE Heroes in both plays have this in common
They 're far too good for our self-seeking lite :
One his head loses for a charming woman,
And t'other to another gives his wife.
Who '11 the first follow in such abnegation P
What modern lover for his love would die P
But is the other act past imitation P
" Oh no ! " a crowd of henpecked husbands cry.
MRS. MALAPROP RIOHT FOR OXCE. When she called the bright
moment between two showers an Interregnum.
82
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1877.
OUE NOVEL SERIES.*
This week we have the pleasure of placing More the public the first
Chapter of an entirely original Novel, entitled
THE HELLENIC PHAKTOR.
A KHOKAND-BOUL STORT.
WUITTB BY
THE EIGHT HON. W. E. GL--ST--E, M.P.
CHAPTER I. The Pnyx and the Gnomon.^
BETWEEN the rivers of the Zupp TJntein and the Aurnum Untul
Vortar of the Garrene Parrukh, which, it is believed by such high
authorities as BOBLOT and EEETUN (vide Metrop. Imp. Vol. ii.
p. 210), to have been the Matohtaxartes and Stattesphairon of the
ancients, bounded on the north by the Tural Ural Mountains, and
on the south by the Great Kittjenn Range, lies the fertile region of
the Beeynr Kappz, now inhabited by the Volgrest people" Qui
cultros in faucibus suit manducantes ponebant," (Mores Sarba-
rorum. Opuic. Lib. ii.)
This forms the Brym, Boundary, or head-quarters of the Zschap-
pau Maykurs, living under the iron presidency of a Hatti Scheriff.J
Here the native races are as rude and uncultivated as the soil they
vainly try to utilise. The distinctive feature of the younger por-
* To the Public. In pursuance of our plan, and in the unfettered exercise
of our Editorial discretion, we were compelled to return the remainder of the
MS. romance commenced in our lait week's issue by MR. GEO. H. WH-LL-Y.
Of course after this we must eipect to be stigmatised by the Member for
Peterborough aa Jesuits and Anti-Claimantists. We have no doubt that The
Masked Mon/t will prove a most thrilling and exciting romance, if restricted
to about half an ordinary-sized novel volume; but we regret that in its
present form it is unsuited to the tone of this journal. We have returned it
to MR. GEO. H. WH-LL-Y, at Peterborough, reminding him that compression
is the better part of authorship. In this present number we give a chance to
an eminent Hand, whose first instalment will be welcomed with pleasure,
and, we hope, read with interest. ED.
t Thu was divided in the form of five numbered headings, subdivided into
a, 6, e, &c. As this occupied too much space, we have extracted the essence
(as we think) in this simplified superscription. ED.
J Knapp and Tyler's Reports, folio.
tion of the community is the long nose, with which the stranger
meets at every turn of the conversation, at once making abortive all
serious reply to earnest inquiry, and producing feelings akin to
distrust and repugnance on the part of the impressionable traveller.
The central and most civilised division of this district, called
Kapul Kaut, is situated within a few hours' march of Kaunii, and is
inhabited by various Mahqmmedan, Christian, Persian, Jewish, and
other nomad races the Stirpes Noninsance of the ancients, modelled
on the'manner of the traditional Sitti communities, herding together
for common protection from the wild Bulls and savage Bears, and
only collecting their means of existence from the considerable ad-
mixture, and daily extended sprinkling, of foreign Stocks.
It is a region through which have passed, from time to time, the
Hems, the Hahs, the Guls, the Noguls, the Svindlahs, the Dubs,
the Shamms, and the Hums. These last, compelled, in their west-
ward course, to flee from the vicinity of the Bug, from causes analo-
gous to those which have forced more civilised races to retire from
continental caravanserai, and to quit furnished apartments on the
various sea-boards, have finally settled on the Tartaric basin. Here
despotic Tyranny,
under the guise of
lawful Government,
displayed its most
hideous terrors.
RETSCHID PASIIA
and AVATAE KHAN
were consummate
scoundrels, who
thought nothing of
wantonly impaling
the several members
of their own families,
under the diplomatic
pretext of "esta-
blishing fixed rela-
tions." They were,
however, completely
upset by the personal
bravery and fearless-
ness of GENEKAL
TCHOPIZT9ESOFP, who
took the citadel, over-
turned AVATAE KHAN,
and then crowned his
victory by taking a
bath. RETSCHID
PASHA, unable to face
the Muscovite guns,
chose rather to end
his life of sensuality
and bloodshed by the
ingenious method
employed for the de-
struction of Deioneus.
On a certain Black
Friday, still devoutly
kept as a festival in
his subjects' calendar,
RETSCHID PASHA
stepped on to a few
light branches which
barely concealed the
furnace of live coals
that awaited his descent. Thus, as HOMES sings, he
But no mere extirpation can be permanently successful which is not
directed ad radices. The axe rusts while the Upas tree grows.
" Increscit accessit." (Ludi Hawardeni Lib. Jocularis, Vol. I.)
Thus the Russians, to as much of their credit as remains, be it
said, have scratched the match of civilisation on the sand-paper of
the Desert. Not theirs the blame, if what would have been the
light of other days is not to be kindled by a process that can only
be described as a system at once arbitrary, ambiguous, and non-
progressive ; for the Match of Civilisation (and here I may refer to the
evidence of BODLOT, an unimpeachable witness experienced in such
questions) is wanting in the one touch of universal sympathy, and,
whether rubbed the right or the wrong way, will not exhibit itself
as a mere product of a Trades Union, but will obstinately prefer to
leave _a whole generation in obscurity, rather than afford immediate
illumination by submitting to be ignited anywhere, save and except
on its own private and peculiar box.
CHAPTER II. The Sporadic Transmarines in Progression.
SUCH as I have briefly sketched was the state of society under
MUDDEL ALI KHAN, when the hundred Argus eyes of the Vatican
FEBRUARY 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
83
A PORE SUFFERER.
Lady. " JUST OUT or THE INFIRMARY, ABE TOD ? You SEEM A COMPLKTB CUKE 1 "
Kobust Beggar. " Ail, BUT IT'S ALL m THE INN'ARDS, MARM!"
and the hundred hands of the Curia were directed towards the
East, in the hopes of proft tine by one false Steppe of . Tartary : hut
in vain. TRIBAKI Prror, the Greek Patriarch, " cont'urationem
fumigarit" and regarding it from his "avis occulus" point of
view, declined the tempting offer. " Non 6 vero." (Op. Max. di
Ben Trovato, Cap. vi.)
At the time of the commencement of my story the advanced intel-
ligence of the people was casting off for ever the vile slough of
servitude, and was preparing to offer a desperate and patriotic
resistance to the cruel and treacherous Mussulman.
The Secret Societies were sitting and hatching, hut the revolu-
tionary fledgling had not yet shown its pecker through the thin
superficial shell, nor, as yet, had any effort been made to get rid of
the heavy yoke. To one of these secret societies belonged the young
HTTPSILON, Hellenic chieftain, who had been solemnly and eccle-
siastically united to the fair IOTA by PHILAKUPOLDOS, the celebrated
Greek Particle of Constantinople. These Uniates would have lived
happily, but for a sudden note from OrnEKLEroos, the leader of the
Insurgent Band, who, however, was only an instrument, though a
powerful one, in the hands of others. This latter, namely OPHE-
KLEIDOS, was by profession the editor of a daily AntHellenic journal
called the Pellmellos Oazettos, which from time to time startled the
world by the loudness, and not infrequently by the falseness, of its
occasional notes, which it is said were for the most part inspired by
one BLASTOS, the King's Chamberlain.
I do not undervalue the services of a free Press in a free State, as
I have before now proved to those who once knew how to conduct a
penny diurnal, nor am I blind to the advantages of printer's ink.
the more than fifty-four thousand copies of one of my sensational
pamphlets being an argumentum ad pocketum that no mere human
testimony to the contrary can withstand ; but I can never suffi-
ciently estimate the flattery of which the Pellmellos Gazettes made
me the object, when its talented Editor, quoting from certain books
about the "Bulgarian Horrors," paid me the unprecedented com-
pliment of adopting the method, wnieh I had previously employed
when writing on Catholic Allegiance, that is, of garbling authorities
wherever it was possible, though the same gentleman fell short of
his model in not attempting to translate what he did not under-
stand, and in not mistranslating the text wherever it made
strongly against his own case. The Pellmellos Gazettes, edited by
OPHEKLEIDOS, is written " hominibus ad homines " I should say
" .Domini* ad dominos " (vide Class. Diet., Art. " Sal de F Opera,"
No. 1 Le Domino), and I can only characterise the articles to which
I refer as a stupendous effort to whitewash the heroes of Bulgarian
Horrors, for the sake of the holders of Belgravian Houses.t
* *
t It was when we arrived at this point in the Novel (?) that we, in our
Editorial capacity, ventured to send to the illustrious Author, to inquire, in
the politest manner possible, " when the story was going to begin i " In
reply to this, we received what the eminent writer was pleated to term " a
letter," but which wn in reality a small pamphlet, explaining to usJ!ntly,
how the present work had ever come to be written ; secondly, giving us a
sketch of the literature of the world up to the present time ; thirdly, a review
of LORD BEACONSFIELD'S policy, us traceable in his romances ; fourthly,
showing us what would be his (W. E. G.'s) answer to certain probable ques-
tions concerning the work in hand ; fifthly, explaining to us that bis strongest
situation in tbe Fiftieth Chapter was founded on an episode in the Bulgarian
Horrors ; tixthly, giving us a valuable and learned disquisition on the Ameri-
can interest in the discovery of Agamemnon's tomb; teventhh/, impressing
upon us the local colouring which he intended to give in his Fifth Volume,
where the scene would be laid in Wales, when he would treat us to a graphic
account of the disestablishment of the Early British Church by AUGUSTINE ;
eighthly, telling us how an entire volume, at present uncertain, would be
devoted to the History of the Axe in the Forests of England and Wales, illus-
trated with woodcuts ; and, ninthly, pointing out, emphatically, the end, aim,
and general scope of the Novel, as bearing upon the political progress and the
liberal development of the Human Race.
Honoured, as we are, by this exhaustive and exhausting reply, we regret
our inability to devote all our pages for the next six months to the publication
of this full and laborious answer to our simple question ; nor, we add, also
with regret, can we proceed with this most interesting work of fiction, wnich,
however, we can confidently recommend to any large publishing firm, as likely
to command the immediate attention of the trade and the public. En.
JOINT ACCOUNT. A Butcher's hill.
84
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1877.
A GREAT DESIDERATUM.
fascinating, but frivolous Fair One. "WHAT A PITT TOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T
HAVE PLATE-GLASS PUT ON HIS PICTURES, AS SOME PEOPLE DO ! "
Hostess. " YOU THINK IT MAKES THE PICTURES KICHER IN TONE ? "
Fascinating Fair One. " I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT ONE CAN SEE ONE'S-
SSLF IN THEM, AT LEAST ! "
BROWNRIGG ON THE BEAUTIFUL.
SINCE the time now above a hundred years ago
when MOTHER BHOWNRIGO
" Whipped two female prentices to death,
And hid them in the coal-hole"
so purchasing for herself an immortality of infamy, and
making her name a synonym for infliction of lingering
death oy torture on the weak and unresisting we have
seldom read of a series of more diabolical cruelties than
those inflicted by a couple of brutes, a "gentleman"
farmer and his wife, at Iver-heath, ;near Slough, on a
wretched little nurse-girl of sixteen, hired by them
from the Princess Louise's Home at Wansford.
But the horror of the case alone would not have led us
to harrow our readers' feelings even by allusion to the
disgusting ill-usage by this well-matched pair of the
wretched girl, on whom they were allowed for a while
to wreak their devilish lust of tormenting. The re-
markable point, which prompts Punch's comment, is
that when MRS. MOHRIS, the female tormentor, hired the
girl at the Home, she expressed to the Matron her regret
that she was not better-looking, as she wished her child
from the first " to look only on what was beautiful" !
MRS. MORRIS must evidently have been a person of the
most delicate (esthetic sensibilities. Who knows but
that she ill-used CAROLINE CARTER out of sheer disgust
with her plain face. Just as "a thing of beauty"
would have been " a joy for ever," the thing of home-
liness was a constant aggravation, and was made to pay
for her plain face by proddings from forks, lashings from
horse-whips, kickings up and down stairs from MR.
MORRIS'S new boots, pinchings of pieces of flesh from her
bare body, pluckitogs out of her hair by handfuls, and
breakings of her head and arm with the kitchen-poker.
"Serve her right! " What business had she to be so
provokingly plain, with a Mistress possessed by such a
strong sense of The Beautiful ?
And what an instructive light does the case thus re-
garded throw on the profound truth, so earnestly of late
inculcated by a certain school of critics and artists
amongst us, of the absolute independence of Ethics and
Esthetics, and the entire absence of correlation between
Art and Morals.
ALARMING STATE OF THE JOKE MARKET.
WHAT will our Yankee cousins say if they
" Yesterday's Markets " in the English papers ?
"American Spirits dull, quotations weak."
read
THE BEST COVERING FOR A RIVER-BED. Sheets of
rain.
PLANS FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF LONDON.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON'S. Close all the Public-Houses, and prohibit
all Spirits, but the good spirits produced by my speeches, or the
perusal of Joe Miller.
Major O' Gorman's. Soberise the Great Babylon, and don't allow
HER MAJESTY to be insulted by the sale of Scotch whiskey in
licensed publics, while there is Irish whiskey for the importing.
Mr. Whalley's. Make it penal in the butchers to sell any legs of
mutton with the Pope's-eyes in them.
Dr. Richardson's. Pull down all the houses, and re-build them
upside down.
West-End Tradesmen's. Abolish the Civil Service Stores, and
banish MR. WHITELEY.
The Theatrical Managers'. Shut up all the Music-Hails.
The Music-Hall Proprietors'. Close all the Theatres.
Materfamilias's.' Open depots in every parish for the sale of
American beef at importers' prices.
The Butchers' Prohibit the importation of dead meat from
beyond sea.
Paterfamilias' s. Suppress the Vestries, and get rid of Rates and
Taxes.
Mr. William Sikes's. Reduce the number of the Police.
Jemima's, Sarah's, and Mary Anne's. Build a lot more barracks,
and double the force of Guards in London.
Metropolitan Asylum Hoard's. Open a Small -Pox Hospital
everywhere.
Everybody's. Open a Small-Pox Hospital anywhere else.
The Upper Ten's. Increase the area of Hyde Park Corner,
make a new road from Piccadilly, through St. James's Park, to
Westminster, and beautify the Thames Embankment.
The Lower Millions'. Keep all the open spaces witKin a holiday-
trip distance of London, and make those we have in London avail-
able. See our streets payed and scavenged. Make it penal to build
houses without foundations, ventilation, water-tight walls, and
means of cleanliness and decency. Find us better places of amuse-
ment than the penny-gaff and the public-house, and better dwellings
than the back slums. Double the Board Schools and halve the
Gin-Shops.
SHORT WAY WITH THE SULTAN.
You, by the Prophet's beard who 'swear,
The Porte and Vatican compare !
MAHOMET'S heir to the Successor
Of PETEH, Pontiff and Confessor ?
You imitate the Papal way
Of saying Powers and Princes nay ?
With you, at least, when you refuse
To treat, such roundness they might use,
As some would e'en presume to give
His Holiness's negative.
To you, when likewise you deny
The claims of reason, and reply
" Non possumus " to their request,
Their words should be " Necesse est."
t 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A SHARP BOY.
Little Sweeper. " R'MBMBIE THE POOH SWEEPER, MY HOBLB CAPTAIN I "
Old General (to himself). " EQAD ! I MUST BE LOOKING UNCOMMONLY YOUNG
TO BE TAKEN FOR A CAPTAIN ! " [flings the Jloy a Shilling,
A IlIUIi'S-KVK VIKW OF THK FUTIKK.
the Pcarork Jdium itt I': >,
Master. lli'oiiLKs, where has your Mistress put her
Mamma P
It'iiiyles. In the Stormy Petrol lloom, Sir.
. And the young Ladies ?
Hiujtjltx. Miss LOUISA and Miss ALICE arc in the Bird
of Paradise Kooin, Sir.
M"*t<-r. And M \STKR GEOHGE ?
Mftgfiei. MA.M'KK GKOU<;K is cleaning his (run in the
uoom, and MASTER HAKKY is studying in the Owl
Jliistir. Good. Then wo shall not he interrupted.
Have you got the list from your Mistress of the oilier
Visitors we expect ?
Haggles. Yes, Sir. There 's LORD and LADY TOMNODDY.
Muster. All! heavy upper-crust swells. Put them in
the Golden Kagle lioom.
,4 Jlttggles. Yes, Sir. And where is MAJOH SCABT to go P
" Master. Let me see famous traveller, and excellent
appetite. Yes. You may put him in the Swallow lioom.
Haggles. And Mu. ana MBS. WHITE P
Master. LT'm ! the people who give the good dinners.
The Cormorant Itoom.
Itiujijlus. ( 'ertainly, Sir. And MB. TOODLES ?
Master. The Dramatic Author. Oh, in the Goose lioom.
Help to remind him of his first nights.
Hugglet. That 's all, Sir Oh, no, I forgot MR. and
Mi; . HUMDRUM.
Master. You may give them the Common Barn-Door
Fowl lioom. Quite good enough for such a Darby and
Joan. Come along, while 1 write the tickets for the
room-doors. [Exeunt.
" Quern JOCUB circumvolat et Cupido."
(To a famous and ancient Home of Supper and Sony.)
An, vocal nest of singing-hoys,
Around thee floats a glamour.
Thou once wcrt EVANS'S late JOT'S,
And now art kept by AMOK I
From Joy to Love, how sweet to fly,
With PADDY GEEEN'S ghost smiling by !
Still with his courteous snuff-box seen,
A ghost in ever-greenest Green !
A VISION OP A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS.
SCENE Interior of the Dolgmabatche Palace, Constantinople.
TIME Morning. SULTAN ABDTJL-HAMID seated on a Sofa, hit
face bound up.
Sultan. Sheitan take this tooth ! Yet for one thing Allah be
praised I MIDHAT has departed. Show in EDHEM PASHA.
EiiU'r EIIIIKM PASHA, who salaams.
Sultan. The traitor, MIDHAT, may think himself lucky to have
been spared the sack ! What canst thou for us do, new Grand
Vizier ?
Edhem. On my eyes be it, Commander of the Faithful ! But
EDHEM has rheumatic pains, which scarcely fit him to work a new
Constitution.
Sultan. I accept thy resignation. Send to me MADMOUD PASHA, my
new Grand Vizier.
Edhem. Let me tell my Lord that MAIISIOUD knows no tongue
but that of the Osmanli.
Sultan. Allah be thanked ! Then can he not conspire with the
Franks, llusski, Prusski, or Engliski. My curses on the triple-
tongued I Go I [EDHEM rettret.
Enter MAHMOUD DAMAD PASHA, who salaams.
Sultan. MIDHAT is of the Past, and EDHEM, who succeeded him,
is no more of the Present. I have selected thee, MAHMOUD DAMAD,
to execute my wishes, and to tell me what they are.
Mahmoud(who has a twitch in his left eye). Commander of the
Faithful, your devoted slave is Turk to the backbone. [ Twitches.
Sultan. Don't wink !
Mahmoud. Know, Light of the Faithful, my eye has twitched
from my birth up.
Sultan. I can't have a Grand Vizier who winks. If these Giaours
came conferring here again, your wink might be mistaken for a
sign [of . intelligence by that pig IGNATIEFF or that sour SALISBURY
PASHA. Go !
Mahmoud. Let not the Commander of the Faithful
Sultan. Go I I say. And send BLAGUE PASHA hither. He at
least doth not wink ; or if he doth, he means it. [Exit MAHMOUD.
Sultan. May Eblis be the end of this tooth of mine ! (Enter
BLAGUE PASHA.) Ha ! my new Vizier ! I know no slave so trusty
as thou art. Toll me what to do with this accursed Constitution.
Blague Pasha. Padishah, I will. (Takes out an English pencil-
case and memorandum-book.) If your Highness will give me one
minute's attention
Sultan. Attention from me ! What is that instrument ? A
Feringhee pencil-case I There I Take thy dismissal ! Send me
VBFITK PASHA at once 1
Blague Pasha. Commander of the Faithful
Sultan. Be thou commanded ! Send me another Vizier, I say !
Hot!
[Exit BLAGUE PASHA. Viziers appear and disappear, at inter-
vals of five minutes, through the clay. Ecentually, there
are no mure Viziers to call up, and the SULTAN it forced to
recall MIDHAT PASHA, who, if he is wise, will stay where he
is, and do nothing.
A Voice from Wild Wales.
11*.
IK reference to a funny picture which appeared in your number a
fortnight ago, allow me to state, for your own private information and edifica-
tion, that nine Welshmen out of ten have never seen a leek, much lest eaten
one. With the profoundest respect for your erudition in nil matters which do
not concern Wales and Welshmen, I remain, dear Mr. Punch,
Your, very sincerely, CYMBICUS.
MR. PUNCH sits corrected, and eats his leek. He had always
associated the leek with Wales as religiously as the thistle with
Scotland. " CYMRICUS" should pick a quarrel with Fluellen. Is
not the leek worn on St. David's Day ? and if so, why ?
VOL. LSXII.
-Jj
w
W
EH
ftt
O
W
o
MARCH 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
87
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
\\
',
EHHAPS " PEPYS' Essence" would be fairer.
Punch has been strongly urged by many of his correspondents to let the worthy old Clerk of the
Acts continue to report for him for a while longer, and is well-disposed to do so. But see, MB.
EDLIN, the effects of your late encouragement of Spiritualism by that unfortunate judgment of
yours upsetting the Slade conviction, which we are glad to see not less energetically repudiated
by an overwhelming majority of your brother Magistrates of the Middlesex Bench why did they
allow you to misrepresent them P than by the Higher Court, which has granted a mandamus
for a hearing of the Slade case on the merits.
Since he admitted SAM PEPYS' 'Ghost to a hearing, Punch's sanctum has been the nightly resort of spirits, nnbottled. Pity that
MESSRS. DAY & Co., the agents of the Customs Bill of Entry Office, and those who invented the patent capsule that secures pure Cognac
against tampering with by retailing media, have not as yet been able to extend their operations from distilled spirits to disembodied ones !
A whole tram of ghosts, who in the flesh frequented the Houses of Parliament, and reported the debates, even while it was against law
to convey Essence of Parliament beyond the doors of St. Stephen's the ghost of ANDREW MARVELL, of SWIFT, of ADDISON, of DICK
STBELE, of DOCTOR JOHNSON, nay, of BOZZY himself, and the gentle GOLDSMITH have been bombarding Punch for leave to share the
labours of SAMUEL PEPYS, his ghost, and to be allowed to aid in expressing the essence of the Collective Wisdom for Mr. Punch. We
have in fact a ghostly reporter's staff ready to our hand, and may, as we see occasion, use it. Meanwhile we allow dear old SAMUEL
PEPYS his fairly-earned precedence. He reports :
Monday, February 19. My Lords up betimes, there being nothing for their Lordships to do but to adjourn, which they did,
mighty merry.
(Commons). MB. GLADSTONE was fain to know who were " the important personages" that SIB H. ELLIOT did write of as wishing to
drive the Turk out of Europe, to whom SIR STAFFOBD XORTHCOTE did make answer he was sorry he could not be in SIB H. ELLIOT'S mind
methought he is better in his own but did think that Iperchance SIR HENBY did include MB. GLADSTONE himself among the said
" important personages," wherein, indeed, SIB HENRY would but have been blundering with some that should have known better.
But methinks this.ripping up of old sores, and old dispatches, is poor work, and so the House and the country do seem to hold it, and
I do see there will be no more of lit, which I am glad of, the House having other and more pressing business in hand, and, indeed, your
Englishman loves not crying over spilt milk.
So MR. HARDY to his Universities Bill, and did show how he had strengthened the Oxford Commission, and shortened its duration,
whereof general approval. Only MB. LOWE, that I had longed mightily to hear, he being a man of marvellous quick wit, and a biting tongue,
though he hath somewhat too much affected the sharpening of it on such as he deems fools, and chiefly the sort of fellows who must
needs come a-pestering our Offices on Deputations a thing we knew not in my time, and therein were the more -favoured, but yet, if we
had had Deputations to Our Office, e'en at our hardest lack for money and captains and good guidance, I warrant me we would have found a
LOWE of our own to answer them did speak mighty sharp, but not so wisely methought, against the Bill, as one for giving over the
Universities to be inquired of and regulated by Commissioners, which he would have had done rather by Parliament as wishing, methinks,
his own finger in the pie. But on the whole the Bill approved, and methinks will pass.
And ono HOPE, a facetious Dutchman, mighty pleasant on the change of parts betwixt the Conservative Government that hath
turned Reformer, and the Reformers that be turned Conservatives. But In and out, makes change about," as the old saw hath it ;
and for my part, so the Universities be made more profitable for sound; learning and religious education, it seems small matter who
shall make them. And I did bethink me much of Magdalen College, Cambridge, in my time, and how much liquor we did suck in there,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 1877.
and how little learning, and how I and one HIND, my chamber-fellow,
were solemnly admonished in ME. HILL'S chamber by DR. JOHN
WOOD, and MR. HILL, in presence of the assembled fellows, for
having been scandalously overserved with drink, as may be read in
the College Register Book to this day.
But I thank my stars I did leave Cambridge and married my
wife early, poor, pretty wretch, and did well, thanks to my Lord and
Our Office. So I home, and thinking of the many strange changes
of the times only Our Office less changed than most things.
Tuesday. In the Lords a mighty press of strangers, and many
of the Commons House crowding in at the bar, even to sitting on
the floor, to hear his Grace my LORD DUKE OF ARGYLL fire off his
big gun on the Eastern matter, which they do indeed well name the
Eastern Question, for methinks, here at least, 'tis all question and
no answer, and did call attention to the instructions given to my
LORD MARQUIS OF SALISBURY, wherein were two great ends set forth,
the better governing of the Turk, and the securing the peace of
Europe, of which ends by the Duke s showing as yet was not even a
beginning. And so to his indictment, and spoke mighty well and fiery
for an hour and a half, and well listened to ; but when all was done
methought there was nothing to answer, his gun being, as it were,
shotted with blank cartridge ; as in truth my Lords DERBY and SALIS-
BURY and BEACONSFEELD were quick to see and to say, and took as much
time in the saying of their nothing as my LORD DUKE in the saying of
his, which was pretty to note, and indeed the speakers in the Parlia-
ments of this time do show much more art and grace in the saying
of nothing than they did in my time, only my LORD DERBY did ihint
at the reforms promised by the Turk, and how it was but reasonable
to give them time to try to do better, and, Lord, to see how drowning
men will catch at straws when they have nought better to catch 'at,
for the House did cheer this mightily.
And methought of all I best liked, my Lord MARQUIS OF SALIS-
BURY when he showed how in Turkey you had nothing to hold to but
the SULTAN, that was afraid to reform matters, and the old Turks,
that were too pig-headed to understand why any reform was wanted,
which methought did go far to dispose of my LORD DERBY'S hope :
and for my part I see nothing for it but the strong hand of the Mus-
covite, that, at least, knoweth his own mind, and putteth his trust
in his "Bog," as he calls his god, andkeepeth his powder dry, as the
Old Protector was wont to do, and had ho been here methinks
England had known her own mind too, better than she doth, or at
least they that speak for her.
And so I home, with little contentment, save of the brave speaking
about nothing ; for there was nothing in the Commons House but talk
of a Small-pox Hospital, built in a scurvy and foul neighbourhood
Limehouse way, where yet I do remember worshipful folk living in
my time. But indeed most things do move westward now-a-days
strangely, save only the Turk, who will ^not, and as yet I do see
small will to force him, if the Muscovite do not.
Wednesday. A good Bill of one COWPEE TEMPLE, for the cutting
down of Officers and Fees in the Ecclesiastical Courts, not, methinks,
before 'tis needed, for, indeed, I do remember these Courts and fees
much cried out upon in my time, when they first grew up again after
the Old Protector's lusty lopping that I did think then they never
would grow again, and lo they are even now as thriving and thievish,
it seems, as ever. But, at last, it doth seem as if all were come to
be ashamed of them, and MR. CROSS did move the referring of the
Bill to a Select Committee, not, as Select Committees are often used,
for the shelving of the same but for the making it work to better
purpose. And in such matters all do agree CROSS doth well and
to good purpose. Which pleases me.
Then a Bill for the enabling of Scotch tenants to deal with game
that vexeth them, as hares and rabbits and doth sore consume
their crops, and no wonder they seek to have leave to shoot them,
and methinks will get it, sooner than the same sort in England, your
Scotch being apter to put their heads together, and their heads being
harder, and sending to Parliament men who will work their will
and seeing the wickedness that comes of poaching whereof in my
time we heard little or nothing in these hard and crowding times,
it did seem to me strange to learn that the Game Laws in this
country had grown rather stricter than softer, and methinks should
not be so, if all did their part.
Thursday. In the Lords, my LOED BEACONSFrELD, mighty solemn
after his wont, explaining of things loosely said by him on Tuesday,
and strange to see how, while seeming to admit his looseness of
speech, he did yet seem to make it out that his loose-speaking was
more to the purpose than other men's closeness. But it appears
that we have been to blame in taking away our consuls from Turkey,
who might have kept our Ambassador informed, and so done
something, if not much, to keep the Turk to better behaviour ; and,
indeed, without consuls to serve an ambassador as eyes, how is he to
see what passes in a wide and waste country like Turkey, with no
roads, and no journals or news- writers P
I sore grieved to hear that the Cattle Plague had got in amongst
us once more ; and now the steed is stolen, mighty active they all
are in shutting of the stable-door. To-morrow had been fixed for the
adjourned talking about the Eastern Question, but the Commons did
very wisely, as I thought, resolve, to-night, they would have no more
of such idle talking, that serves to no purpose, only to breed bickering.
And I do hope we shall have no more light young fellows girding at
MR. (GLADSTONE, for methinks young MASTKR CHAPLIN did look
mighty foolish to-night, and all thinking of the tongue-basting he
had last week, and had but his deserts, if ever saucy young
Jackanapes.had.
I glad to hear that in the carrying out of the great new street
about to be made from Tottenham Court Road (that was indeed a
wide road in my time) to the corner of Charing Cross, the portico of
St. Martin's Church be not to be touched, as the Metropolitan Board
were minded. And indeed though it was built since my time, I do
think it a mighty pretty portico, and one SIR CHRISTOPHER would
have admired, and methinks pity to.lose it in this town, where so
few things pretty.
FROM NILE TO THAMES.
" To offer a present of thia sort is to illustrate the romance of riches ....
To distribute wealth in a poetical way a man must have a born genius for the
occupation, and it is as difficult ,to suggest any work of what ARISTOTLE
might have called Jthe 'art of expenditure,' as it is impossible to withhold
admiration where a great stroke is done. 1 The gift of Cleopatra's needle is
such a stroke,and deserves aesthetic approval as well as gratitude." The
Saturday Review on Hit. EKASMUS WILSON'S proposal \to' f remove the Alex-
andria Obelisk lo England.
B. PUNCH was in his sanctum
reading his Saturday Review.
A dreamy feeling came over the
Sage, Toby fidgetted, the lamp burned dim, and looking up, Mr.
Punch beheld a Presence ! So "the dull cold-blooded C^ESAE "in
GEEOME'S picture, lifting his gaze from desk and scroll, meets with
amaze the " bold black eyes," which had witched world-conquerors
of softer mould than he, and helped so considerably to rid him of
a formidable rival. Mr. Punch is neither dull nor cold-blooded, and
he always bows in courtesy to Beauty ! He did so now.
" Must I introduce myself in form ? " murmured that miraculous
voice musically.
"Beauty," responded the Sage, "needs no other introduction
than itself ; and as for farm," Mr. Punch's admiring regard
completed the sentence.
"You know me then?" queried his -visitor, with a glow, which
on cheeks less brown and bold, would have been a blush.
" And acquit MARK ANTONY of madness," responded Mr. Punch,
with subtle courtesy.
"Since TENNYSON met me in that mysterious wood, I have not
shown myself to mortal," continued CLEOPATRA. But I do admire
Men. and have long had a desire to look on you."
I will never henceforth be hard on feminine curiosity, said
MAncn 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
89
Egyptian
Mr. Punch. "It has served me too well in the present instance.
Mrs. Punch, is at home. May I have "
"My curiosity does not extend to her," quoth the E
Enchantress, drily. " Besides, I have business with you."
" My pages," said Mr. Punch, apprehensively, are well sup-
plied; but any contribution from your Majesty would "
' Find its way thither" interrupted his guest, good-naturedly,
pointing to Mr. Punch's capacious, but yet overflowing, waste-paper
basket. " Its proper destination, doubtless. No ; such women as
I care no more for the pen than for the needle. Leave the one
to the Lydias, the other to the Dorcases ; wo work with other
u.Mpons. And that is why lobject to that obelisk, which I hear
you are about to have transferred hither, being called by so in-
appropriate a name. ' Cleopatra's Needle,' indeed!; Fancy myfame
being associated with the housewife's humble implement! "
"A Cockneyism, doubtless," replied the Sage. "But nicknames
are the Nemesis of greatness ; and slang, like a sapper, respects
nothing and nobody."
' Precisely," replied the Serpent of Old Nile. " Yet I look to you
to discountenance, as much as may be, the Cockneyising of this
relic of my rule. Why it should bo removed from the vicinity of
Guaar's temple "
"As in your Majesty's time it was removed from the temple of
the god Turn," interpolated Mr. Punch, politely.
" Ah, yes ! " sighed the Queen, sadly. " Who can contend with
Time and Change P From Heliopolis to the Thames Embankment
a f a r cry. Turn was the god of the Setting Sun, and the sun of
Old fcgypt has Ion;? since set. What destiny JOUBEBT, GOSCHEN,
& Co. and the. Engineers will make for New Egypt who shall say?
' At least it is not likely to have another CLEOPATRA," said Mr.
Punch.
"The prudes" and the political economists would say, 'So much
the better ! ' Eh ? " queried the Queen.
" Well-they might," admitted Mr. Punch.
" my life
In Egypt ! the dalliance and the wit,
The (lattery and the strife ! "
murmured CLEOPATRA, as if to herself.
" Well," said the Sage, reflectively, " GORDON PASHA is not
exactly a ' mailed Bacchus.' perhaps, and Egyptian Bonds are now
suggestive of something other than the imprisoning arms of CLEO-
PATRA, though to many a modern ANTONY they may have proved
almost as fatal."
' ' Contented there to die.' ''quoted the Queen, for sole response to
this subtle insinuation. " Well, well, times change, ERASMUS
WILSON doubtless means well, and even the unromantic Saturday
Review seems to see poetry in his project. I confess I do not. Bu'
at any rate, dear Mr. Punch" the Sage bowed and blushed " let us
hope that all the poetry will not evaporate in the process of carrying
it out. You islanders are so Bccotian, and so blundering, in monu-
mental matters especially." The Sage blushed again, but from quite
another emotion. " Don't let Cockney Edilism wholly vulgarise my
obelisk, and pray reserve your ' sesthetio approval ' until it is provec
to be deserved, lest CLEOPATRA'S curse be as potent as Minerva's, one
ERASMUS
" ' With ERATOSTRATUS and ELGIN shine,
In many a branding page, and burning line.' "
" Well, the cases are perhaps somewhat different," quoth Mr.
Punch, but your Majesty may trust me to keep my eyes on the
Monolith if ever J have the good fortune to set them there, and ii
I see any signs of a good gift being badly disposed of, be sure Mr.
Punch will play the part of BTRON'S minatory Pallas, and proba-
bly with more practical effect than even angered divinity produced."
Ah, ten thousand thanks ! " ejaculated the Queen, in a gush of
maddening melody, and making play with her " piercing orbs," in a
ishion which so startled that most prudent of preux chevaliers, Mr.
rimch, that he awoke, and found the fire out, and Judy in elegant
deshabille, standing before him, evidently 'primed with an eloquent
Jeremiad.
The Ministerial Fix.
THE crux, when Turk and Tartar quarrel,
And Turk seeks succour ministerial,
Is that material aid 's immoral,
And moral aid is immaterial.
A Questionable Title.
WITEN we read in the Athenaum that it was the Poet Laureate
who gave MR. KNOWLES the title of his new periodical, The Nine-
th, Century to which Punch wishes all success one can't help
remembering how the Poet Laureate has characterised that century,
in Maud, as the
" Wretchedest age since the world began."
BISHOPS ON THE STAGE.
(A Suggestion to the Worthy and Liberal DR. FRASER.)
WE have lately seen a real
live Bishop on the
Stage, tpeaking to the
best purpose, and most in the
spirit of the character, as
mouth-piece of good sense,
Bound morals, and Christian
charity. Among various other
objections to the Ballet but
too well-founded, the Lawn-
Lord of Manchester animad-
verted on the brevity of the
Ballet Girls' skirts, ''which,"
had he wanted an illustration,
he might have said, "were no
longer than a Bishop's apron."
If the word of a Bishop goes
far, how far would
a Bishop's act go ?
As one Bishop
has ventured on
the Stage, why
shouldn't a dozen,
why shouldn't the
entire hierarchi-
cal strength of
the Establishment
step out and give us a Ballet of Bishops, with their aprons properly
licensed by the LORD CHAMBERLAIN If There 's a novelty for any en-
terprising Manager ! The Alhambra Company might go in for it, or
MR. JOHN HOLLINOSIIEAD might find an opening for them. The scene
would be simple,representing the exterior of an old Cathedral and the
entrances to the cloisters, something like what one knows in Roberto
or Favorita. A bench on which Bishops are discovered, seated. In
the centre a view of some lawn, with Bishops playing at bowls,
described in the programme as " a bowl of Bishop." Some are
playing lawn-tennis. To them enter archly an Archbishop, playing
a pastoral on his pipe, and followed by a crowd of Colonial Bishops
dancing gaily. The Colonial Bishops woo the other Bishops, who are
seated coyly on the Bench. To these enter Kuril Deans, with ribands,
pipe and tabor : they start on seeing their rivals the Colonials.
The Home-brewed Bishops rise from the Bench, and implore the
opposing parties to keep the peace.
The Rural Deans defy their rivals, and, after several futile
charges on the part of the Colonial Bishops, the latter are defeated,
and, flying in confusion, trip up on the peal of an organ which has
been carelessly left about, and leap from various heights of imagina-
tion into the See of Canterbury, when the scene changes, discovering
a Perpetual Curate seated in a car drawn by Prebendaries, while
Precentors, as outriders, and young Vergers, crowned and playing
on timbrels, are passing under a Triumphal Arch-deacon.
There might be a Collection for some charitable object at the doors
of the theatre, and on the play-bill might be printed a copy of what
a Bishop would have said, had there been a sermon. " The whole
to conclude " with a Grand Archidiaconal Function ; and (for this
occasion only) a
MOST BRILLIANT DISPLAY OF ROCHETS!!!
YOUTH AND AGE.
" YOUTH will be served." A sporting maxim sage,
Sweeter to adolescence than to age.
Yet CHAPLIN must have known of many a case
Where aged clippers, famous once for pace,
On their own ground whipped weedy youngsters hollow,
Leading where Screws who challenged dared not follow.
If Youth could, as Youth fain would, be severe,
Old age, indeed, might have fair cause to fear ;
But Youth that 's raw as rash, unsinewed, slow,
May find with Age the pace it cannot go.
The gods love generous Greenness, but scarce smile
On impotence because 'tis puerile ;
Or cheek because 'tis callow. Fine, in truth,
To hear glib HAMILTON, in verdant youth,
Gird at ripe Age, that 's game to give it weight,
And a bad beating. Tipsters, too elate
When Youth and Age contend, before yon wage,
'Twere well to know what Youth, and whose the Age !
" Youth will be served ! " Why. yes, when Youth is stout :
But feeble Youth may chance to be served out !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3, 1877.
A PLEASANT PROSPECT.
Genuine Enthusiast (to his Betrothed). " WHEN WE WED, SACCIIARISSA, WE WILL SHUN THE VULGAR WEST-END, AND DWELL IN
oi.i', OLD WAINSCOTSD HOUSE IN THK HEART OP Souo ; WK WILL HAVE NO FHIENDS THAT ARE NOT FINE OLD ENGLISH GENTLE-
MEN ALL OF THE OLDRN TlMK ; NO BOOKS THAT HAVE NOT GOT NICE LONG " ESSES " LIKE " cfs " ; OUR ONLY NEWSPAPEKS SHALL BE
THOSE OP THE PAST CENTURY, AND WE WILL LAUGH AT NO JOKES THAT ARE NOT AT LEAST OF A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. WnEN THK
GLOAMING COME?, WE WILL CAROL QUAINT OLD CANZONETS, IN EAELY FRENCH, TO AN OLD SPINET THAT I HAVE MY EVE UPON (QUITE
A BARGAIN, IN WAUDOUR STREET). AND SRE HERE, SACCHARISSA ! WHEN THE CANDLES ARE LIT, WE WILL SNUFP THEM WITH THIS
EXQUIMTE PAIR OF OLD SlLVEK-GlLT SNUFFERS WHICH I PICKED UP TO-DAY, FOR HALF-A-CllOWN, IN A SMALL COURT NEAR SAINT
MARTIN'S LANE I DOST THOU LIKE THE PICTURE?"
Saccharissa (whose real iiame is ' ' Sarah " doubtftdhj). " YE z E s 1 "
CAXTON.
(U77-1877.)
!' I have practised and learned at my great charge and dispense to ordain
this said book in print after the manner and form as ye may see, and is not
written with pen and ink as other books be, to the end that every man may
have them at once ; for all the books of this story here emprynted, as ye see,
were begun in one day and also finished in one day." CAXTON'S Preface to
hit first printed work, the " Tales of Troy."
"I have always regarded the connection of CAXTOX with Westminster
Abbey as a kind of type and emblem of the relation which ought to stand, as
many times it has stood, between the Church and the general diffusion of
light and knowledge throughout the world." The DEAN OF WESTMINSTER,
on the proposed Caxton Celebration, at the Jeruialem Chamber, on Feb. 17,
1877.
FOUR hundred years ! Slow Cycles of Cathay
Might compass less of wondrous growth and change,
Than those four centuries, since that fateful day
When COLAKD MANSION'S pupil brought away
From ancient Bruges his book-work new and fctrange.
Father of English Printing ! 'Tis a name
To front the Ages with, and ask their meed.
What fitter title to enduring fame,
Midst the uncounted myriads he may claim,
As gathering fruit of which he sowed the seed ?
The sturdy Kentish man, whose solid sense
Shaped us the tool which built us half our glory,
Better deserves our age's recompense
Of praise and anniversary eloquence,
Than half the heroes who yet live in story.
If GUTENBERG, FUST, SCHOSFFEB, famous band,
Record of stone and bronze in Metz may share,
Our English CAXTON, in the native land
Whose tongue he loved, and helped to shape, should stand
In monumental image sculptured fair.
The Mercer's son, who reared his "red pole " sign
In Margaret's Almonry so long ago,
Who praised, and printed, CHAUCER'S spring-tide lino,
Finds fitting spokesman in the brave divine
Who knows those precincts as few else may know.
" On, STANLEY." on ! The task is one that fits
Thy liberal soul. To him you 'd celebrate,
Poets and Politicians, Saints and Cits.
Philosophers and Princes, Traders, Wits,
Alike arc debtors for their power and state.
Churchmen there may be whom brave CAXTON'S press,
In its late products, fills with fretful fright.
But Westminster's wise Dean may do no less
Than wish, with Punch, the Printer's Art success :
Endorsing Strasburg's text, " Let there be light." '
* The inscription on the statue of the first printer at Strasburg.
To AH nr QUEST OP ELABORATE HOUSE DECOBATION If you
want to pay dearly for your whistle, send for the Whistler !
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MARCH 3, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
93
A FAIR OFFER AND AN AMENDE HONORABLE.
Mr GOOD COMRADE POUCH,
EE, I hold out
the hand of
friendship
across the
terrible sea.
The "perfect
gcntleroan's-
ridrre " of
France soli-
cits''^ sport-
mans " of
England.
Paris greets
London. The
Sport of the
British Is-
lands is ac-
knowledged
by le sport of
the great
French na-
tion. This
will be histo-
rical.
You will
ask why do
I, a perfect
Parisian, a
flaneur, a
frequenter
of cafes, a
reader of
j ournals
why do I
write to yonP Is it because I love London with its " Leicester
Sqnarr," its " Vauxhall-bridge Road," its " Newe Cut " (you see, I
know my London to the bottom) ; is it because I love London? No,
a thousand times, no. Is it because I love you English, " with your
"roast-beefs," your "plum-puddings," your Sundays," your
London-fogge ? No. The sun cannot love the mud. Sel esprit can-
not from the heart embrace barbarism. Then it' I do not love either
you or your country, why do I write ? Because there is one bond
of union between us le sport.
Yes, Punch, my good friend, it is because we both love to follow
the artful rabbit with knives of the chase, both love to shoot the fox,
both love to watch the artful partridge in his stand, that we frater-
nise. It is this grand passion, absorbing, absolute, irrepressible,
that binds us one to the other. In its presence, we have ceased to be
two Europeans, a Frenchman and an Englishman, a leader of art,
thought, and culture, and a shopkeeper, and we have become "perfect
gentlemans-ridres. Le sport has given us relations of liberty, fra-
ternity, and strongest of |all equality. As the Americans would
say, " we stand on the same platform."
It is because this Brotherhood of le sport is threatened, that
I now write to you. Your Jockey Club would put restraints
on the horses of I ranee running in your Epsom-Derbe. Why?
Because, they say it is not just to call a five-year-old a three-year-
old. How ! It seems that the honour of the greatest nation in the
world is questioned. Were it not that Alsace and Lorraine are
thirsting to be liberated, were it not that the Rhine has yet to be
rescued, were it not that we are patiently waiting to be avenged by
our grandchildren, this insult should be washed out in blood I But
no, for a time we bear all. And thus we will send our matured
three-year-olds to your race-courses until you stop us. Let it be
clearly understood a Frenchman's word is doubted when he is told
that his horse that has won this three-year-old stake counts
five years. To doubt a man's word is to insult him. And yet the
Frenchman, in spite of insults, doubts and equivoques, will still
retain the nomenclature of the race-horse, will still win with what
you call five-year-old horses what you call three-year-old races.
Why ? Because France is the greatest nation in the world, because
everything must bo sacrificed for France ! The grand thought that
lies at the bottom of our triumphs of le sport can only be appreciated
by a leader of civilisation, by a philosopher, by a poet in one word,
by a Frenchman !
With this idea in my mind, Punch, then I make my proposal to
you. Instead of refusing to allow Frenchmen to win your horse-
races by certificates, which you dare to question, open to them a
new field of honour on the Tide as well as on the Turf. Your
Cambrig-Boating-llace will be rowed at Pntne. Why should not
France be represented '( You ask for tho conditions. They are
soon suggested. Here they are :
1. A Prize of 200,000,000 francs to be given to the winning
crew.
2. Tho money for this purpose to be found entirely by England.
3. The English crews to consist (as heretofore) of eight men per
boat.
4. The French crew to consist of sixteen men per boat.
5. The English crews to row in ordinary outriggers.
6. The French crew to row in a steam-launch, propelled by the
most powerful engines.
7. The French crew to have ten minutes' start.
8. The umpire, and all the other official* in the race, to be
Frenchmen.
There, Punch, my excellent comrade, agree to these terms, and
yon will find fair France as triumphant on tho Hivcr, as she is
alrcadjr victorious on the Race Course.
Receive my considerations, the most distinguished.
JULES LK BLAGUE.
Le Cercle de Canotiers et Carottiers, Paris.
OUR NOVEL SERIES.
ALL IN THE DOWNS;
OR, THE BOTTOMRY BOND!
A NAUTICAL MOTEL, BY
8. PL-MS-LL M.P.
AUTHOR'S PREFACE.
I HAVE no idea of writing a Novel. I don't know how to do it ;
and fear I could not succeed in telling a story if I tried : the idea,
therefore, is very formidable to me.*
I will suppose myself to be narrating facts to an individual, and
to be saying all 1 could think aft to induce him to lend his utmost
aid in remedying the great evil which we all deplore ; and I will
write, to far at I can,+ just as I would speak to you, Sir (the Editor,
for example, or the gentle Reader^), if yon were now sitting by my
side. || If you, or he, were so sitting, while he was sitting I would
layll sundry papers before him, or you, Sir, in confirmation of my
opinions and statements, so that you or he might know for himself
how absolutely true they are.
Herewith I send you photographs of maps, ships, charts, tables
of wrecks, models of vessels, working models of shipwrecks, plans
of the coasts, statistical tables, and photographs of entries in
LLOYD'S books. You have only got to refer to these from time to
time, and hand them over to the Artist who may undertake to
illustrate my Novel.**
Now, Sir, I sound the last bell, and all for shore must leave the
vessel, as one must draw the load-line somewhere. Those who
remain will be careful not to speak to the man who has at his heart
the common weal of our Seamen, while all his hands are engaged on
the present thrilling work. Heave ahead, my brave boys 1 Now
we sail with the gale to the Bay of Biscay, oh I and we meet after
the'voyage. Steam up, and away ! g > p t . M3 . LL M.P.
CHAPTER I. The Right of Challenging the Stevedore.
THOSE who are acquainted with the maritime town of the ancient
Cinque-port of Newport-Pagnell, will not need me to remind them
of its coasts white with gulls, its sands crowded with tourists, its
gay quay thronged with sailors of all nations, with mariners from
the four quarters of the Old World and from various parts of the
New ; its host of Jew-pedlars, with their wares, decoying maidens
* The esteemed Member for Derby said much the same at the commence-
ment of a pamphlet. But the pamphlet was a very powerful one nevertheless.
A good augury for the Novel. ED.
t This clearly includes Fiction founded on Fact. Another good augury
for the Novel. ED.
J Good enough. We '11 edit it. This dependence on our editorial judg-
ment augurs extremely well for the Novel. ED.
$ Yes, we have a Reader, of course. He is tolerably patient, but not
gentle. This intention on the part of Author augurs well for Novel. ED.
|| MB. PL-MS-LL seems to be thinking of the old Ethiopian song of Lucy
Neale " Were you sitting by my side,
How happy I should feel."
Poetic quotation augurs well for Novel. ED.
It For one to "sit" and another to "lay" is a confusion of metaphor.
Probably unintentional. Augurs well for Novel. ED.
* Wo have done o. We sent them all off in a cart this morning to the
Artist's bouse. They arrived on his birthday, at breakfast time, and he
cheerfully paid the carriage. We have not heard from him since. ED.
94
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3, 1877.
to "Buy, buy, buy I" while bewitching, bright-eyed girls are
enticing their admirers, fresh from sea, with pockets full of gold, to
bestow on them the shining trinkets and gorgeous gewgaws brought
by the travelling hucksters from the stalls of the Lowther Arcade.
Bands of music were playing at intervals on the jetty ; excursion
steamers were departing and arriving ; church bells were ringing
for sailors' marriages ; church bells were tolling for sailors' funerals ;
flags were flying in honour of the Port- Admiral's birthday ; and the
guns of the harbour were firing salutes to celebrate the coming of
age of the youngest Brother of the Elder Brethren.
Gay and animated was the scene, as the good merchant ship, the
Albert Ross (owners GROGBLOSSOM & Co., East Sheen), lay alongside
in the basin, taking in its cargo for Nova Dizzembla and the Pharo
Islands on the Coast of Egypt.
The pier was absolutely hidden from sight, partly by the enor-
mous sacks of wheat, each marked with the words " Corney Grain,"
in bold relief, and partly by huge cases containing German reeds.
A number of men, under the command of a Captain, who was
only seventeen years old,* were rapidly cutting the vessel above-
named in two, so as to lengthen her fore and aft, and thus enable
her to carry more grain than she was ever intended to carry, and so
enrich the coffers of her proprietors. It should be Coffers v. Coffins.
By the evening the Albert Ross would be ready to carry that enor-
mous freight that I have described as lying on the pier, but would
she be seaworthy ? And if unseaworthy, was there a law or a lawyer
in England to prevent her sailing out of Newport-Pagnell harbour ?
As an inducement to men to volunteer for service on the Albert
Ross, a large placard was affixed to the mast, on which was written
NOTICE. THE FREE-BOAHD on this vessel includes double rations
of grog at six bells, and the usual meals and berth accommodation
GRATIS, that is, FREE-BOARD-AND-LODGING on the ALBERT Ross.
(Signed) J GHOGBLOSSOM, Junior Warden.
Chief Co- Owner i \ DON JOSE DI SALAMANCA.
By Order of the Free Board.
N.B. Peace and harmony insured on board, as No BOXING THE
COMPASS is permitted on the SPAR-DECK.
CAPTAIN BULKHEAD, although only seventeen, had seen some
service, and was not to be trifled with. Determined that the Albert
* A fact. I expect him to come to grief next mouth, as his name is down
in iny list of delendl sunt Carthaginei.
Ross should carry all the cargo brought down to that pier, he had
ordered all hands to add fifty feet amidships, but positively refused
to give the vessel the requisite number of knees. Of course, as every
one knows, there should be a knee to each foot, and this was omitted,
so that whatever result chance might ordain for the vessel, its going
out of port must be but a very lame affair, after all.
One man alone, as we shall see presently, knew of the all but
certainly fatal consequences of this recklessness, and he kept it to
himself. If ever there was a villain on this earth and its neigh-
bourhood, it was this man, to whom the reader (with this prefatory
apology for bringing him into such execrable company) will be
presently introduced.
It had been found utterly impossible to accommodate such a cargo
cither in the Aula di San Giorgio (owners JONATHAN WYLDE & Co.),
or on board the Danish trading vessel called The Saucy Polly
Teknik, which had just discharged its freight of Pepper, and was
now bound for the Dizolvon Vuzen Isles.
Standing on the edge of the quay, the rude breeze freely passing
through her locks without paying any toll, stood MAKT MAYHUD,
the lovely daughter
of the Junior War-
den of the Sink
Ports.
Behind her stood
her father, the Ju-
nior Warden him-
self, as thorough a
specimen of the bluff
wicked old sea-dog
as ever spliced a
maindeck or hauled
a keel athwart-
ships, on a dirty
night in the Bay of
Biscay.
He was looking
earnestly through a
telescope, which his
daughter supported
over her left shoul-
der, while her right
hand was placed in
front of the glass,
thus to a certain ex-
tent obscuring the
view.
" I can't make
out the rig of that
vessel in the offing !"
exclaimed the rough
old Salt, as he closed
one eye and shut the
other, and then ap-
plied both in turn
to the small end of
the telescope.
" Perhaps he is on
board ! " she mur-
mured to herself.
"He! Who?"
asked the Junior
Warden, rapping
out an oath.
" WILLIAM TAILLEITR," she replied, calmly.
The Junior Warden threw down the telescope violently, then
dashed his wig violently down on the stones.
" Never! " he exclaimed, furiously ; " never! "
"Papa," implored his daughter, "do not speak thus! Sec, you
are attracting a crowd."
But the old man was not to be pacified. He had a magnificent match
for his daughter in his eye, and he would not hear of her marrying
WILLIAM TAILLEUK, a mere eighteen-pence-an-hour boatman.
A crowd was indeed approaching from the town, cheering lustily.
A brass band walked in front, and several people carried flags.
"See! " cried the Junior Warden, "your affianced husband, my Co-
owner, the man of my choice, has already arrived. Belay ! he comes! "
MARY shuddered, and the tears rose to her eyes as a dark and far
from unhandsome man, whose eag^le nose and piercing black eyes,
peering from under his well-defined brows, bespoke, even if his
dress had not, the Spanish Don, advanced from among his enthusiastic
followers* and gracefully knelt on one knee before her.
A round black cap was set jauntily on the short-cropped dark hair,
which, with short mutton-chop whiskers, formed an artistic set off
to his sallow skin, purple lips, and shaven face.
He wore a short, richly spangled and embroidered jacket, a scarf
wound round him like a belt, knee-breeches highly ornamented with
MARCH 3, 1877.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
95
ALL ABROAD.
Mrs. Pewsey Brown. " OH, GEORGE, DEAR I GOOD HEAVENS ! THAT THE CHURCH ? I CAN'T POSSIBLT oo IN THERE ! "
George (grimly). "WELL, MY DEAR, IT CERTAINLY DOES LOOK BATHER 'Low,' JUDGING BY THB OUTSIDE ; BDT IF THE SBBVICB AT
Sr. SPIUIOION'S WAS A NECESSITY OF YOUR EXISTENCE, WHY DID YOU INSIST ON OUR SPENDING THB WINTBK IN FAWCB?"
(fold, bright silk stockings, laco ruffles, and brilliant pumps with
diamond buckles. His fingers were covered with precious rings ;
his lithesome, graceful form bent before the English maiden, and
his highly-arched nose seemed to curve itself downward, as though
acknowledging her presence with a bow.
Then went up an English hoorah from the open-mouthed and
open-hearted populace of Newport-Pagnell as they cried
" Long live DON JOSE DI NOSE, the Stevedore of Salamanca ! "
It was indeed the celebrated Stevedore who had sought the hand
of the fair MAKT MAYBITD, daughter of Old GUEUORY GROGBLOSSOM,
the Junior Warden of the Sink Ports.* At this moment a splashing
of oars attracted the attention of those on the quay ; a boat was
rapidly approaching. It touched the quay. A gay young fellow,
full of mirth and full of spree, leapt on shore, splashing the people
in the boat with an oar, and roaring with laughter.
' "Tishe!" exclaimed MARY MAYBUD, "my WILLIAM TAILLEUR!"
The Stevedore arose from his knees, scowling.
WILLIAM touched his hat gaily to the Junior Warden, who how-
ever returned his salute with a severe look and a direct question.
" Where have you been ? "
" Taking a charter-party out for a row," was the ready answer.
Then he continued, " You promised me the hand of MARY MAYBUD
when I was earning my own livelihood. I am doing so now. I
claim the fulfilment of your word."
The Junior Warden turned almost purple with suppressed rage.
" Never ! Never ! ! " he exclaimed, as ne turned on his heel.
" 7/o y dds he gohon so ? " exclaimed the Stevedore, bitterly.
WILLIAM approached the Spaniard, with his hand outstretched.
MARY interposed, beseechingly.
It was too late. WILLIAM TAILLEUR would be heard, and the
crowd shouted for him, loudly, " BILLY ! BILLY ! "
* If you plcnso, Sir, if GREGORY GROGBLOSSOM was MARY'S father, why
was her name MAYIIUD ? ED.
Dear Sir, this story is founded on Fact. Let that suffice. MAYBUD waa
her mother's name, and her daughter resumed it, not caring to be called
GROGBLOSSOM. Very simple. S. P.
" Hold ! " cried WILLIAM TAILLEUR, in a loud and firm voice, which
caused even the Junior Warden to turn and listen. " I claim an Eng-
lishman's undoubted right in any sea-port of the British dominions."
" What right do you claim ? " demanded the Warden.
WILLIAM'S answer came back in a clear, ringing voice,
" The Eight of challenging the Stevedore ! "
(To be continued.)
Ciirrespondenre between the EoiTOE and MR. S. Pt-MS-Lt, M.P.,
which mutt, injustice to both parlies, be placed before the Public.
DEAR SIR, You select Newport-Pagnell as the scene of your story. You
describe it (admirably, we admit) as a "maritime town. Surely, Sir
though you ought, of course, to have a far more intimate acquaintance with
such matters than wo can boast isn't Newport-Pagnell an inland town, and
in Bedfordshire f We may be wrong, from not being well up in the coast
towns or in the Cinque Ports j but if so, please put us right, and oblige yours
THE EDITOR.
DEAR SIR, I "ve not coasted for nothing, nor served my time before the mas'
without being able to spin you a yarn to some purpose. Belay and avast, my
hearty! as my friend, CAPTAIN BEDFORD Pm would say and does, occa-
sionally, when not otherwise engaged in abstruse calculations who careg
where or what Newport-Pagnell may be ? What is my line of business ? The
maritime. What do my constituents credit me with knowing all about }
Maritime matters generally. Where do my constituents live? At Derby.
Is Derby a sea-port town ? Avast heaving ! not a bit of it. What do my
Uerby-ites know about "larboard" or " sturboard," or "beam-end," or
" long-shore," or " short-shore," beyond what I tell 'em ? If I say Newport-
Pagnell 's a sea-port, sea-port it is. If / don't know what I 'm talking about,
who does ? I shall give you what I profess to give you a Romance founded
on fact. Work this out by all the points ot the compass, and you '11 find that
Newport-Pagnell ain't to be beaten as a romantic sea-port founded on fact
" Pagnell" is the romance, "New-port" is the fact. Can't waste any more
time in correspondence, as I must heave a-head. retertotr .' S. P., M.P.
[We are not prepared to deny the force of much that MR. S. P. puts forward,
but we are still of opinion that even the inhabitant! of Derby ought to be
informed that Newport-Pagnell is not a sea-port town de facto. ED.]
96
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3, 1877.
WICKED WASTE."
(Reflection at the Westminster Aquarium.)
SLEEP; ITS CAUSES, AND ITS CONSE-
QUENCES.
WHAT shall be done to the driver found sleeping
on his seat? This question came before the Ux-
bridge Police Court one day last week, when
" CHARLES CASTLE, 15, in the employ of Mil. TIMMS,
hay-dealer, Iver-heath, Bucks, was sued for riding asleep
while in charge of a horse and cart at Hillingdon Hill, at
a quarter past two on the morning of the lOih inst. -4
fortnight ago the defendant was summoned before the Slough
Magistrates for a similar offence, and, as was mentioned in
the ' Times,'' he pleaded that he had been on the road twenty-
four hours. On the present occasion he stated that he went
to London with a horse and cart three nights in the week.
When stopped he was thoroughly exhausted."
Whose fault was that ? The Uxbridge Magistrate
seems to have been not quite sure. A little iincer-
tainty on this point apparently influenced him in
dealing with the culprit, CHARLES CASTLE.
" The Magistrate fined him ten shillings five shillings
less than usual at this court, and allowed him a week for
payment, in the hope that, his master would give him the
money."
Tims lightly was let down not exactly an old
offender, being a lad of fifteen, but one whose offence
was a second conviction, following only a fortnight
after the first, with six days out of the fourteen,
however, spent on the road. The Magistrate's hope
that in these circumstances CASTLE'S master would
give him the money to pay a mitigated fine, may
appear to imply an idea that he was not himself to
blame for exhaustion from overwork, and consequent
sleep. His master, now that he is' aware of the
possibility of such a collapse, will of course take care
that it does not occur again ; for if it do, the over-
worked driver may not merely tumble in his sleep,
and break his neck, but he may have the misfor-
tune to run over and kill somebody else ; and then
there may be not merely a fine of ten shillings, but
the dickens to pay.
"AH! CHE LA MOB.TE!"
PEEHAPS one source of the alarming increase of the
Cattle Plague, particularly among the older beasts,
may be traced to the Music Publishers. When
such a lot of tunes appear every week, is it any
wonder that old cows should die off so rapidly ?
PABALYSIS IN THE PEAS.
BEWARE how you try the effect of strychnine, prussie acid, or any
other poison, on a rabbit, or a guinea-pig. Have the fear of the
Anti- Vivisection Act before your eyes. If you want to try experi-
ments with poisons on a living animal try them on yourself.
Should you kill yourself, unintentionally, the law will acquit you of
suicide, as it does not forbid any donkey to experiment on a
donkey.
Suppose, for instance, you want to know what is the effect of
repeated small doses of copper upon the human system, take a frac-
tion of a grain of the sulphate or acetate of that metal once a day
continually till you discover. Ultimately you will find it produce
paralysis. You will lose the use of your hands or legs, or one side or
more, of your body. Salts of copper will paralyse you sooner than
even salts of mercury. But you must take them in minute quantities.
In large doses they mostly rid you of themselves copper acting like
antimony.
In order to take 'your copper pleasantly, your best plan will
be to swallow it at dinner-time, daily, along with 'green peas.
This you can do all the year round, as peas are always to be had
preserved in tins. You can mix your copper with your peas if neces-
sary. If the peas are of a dull, greyish, faded, ugly colour, there
is probably no copper in them, and you may have to put some. But
when their tint is a beautiful bright green, then you may suspect that
there is plenty of copper in them to cause paralysis if persevered with
sufficiently long. The copper is mingled with the peas to make them
look pretty ; and few people seem to be deterred by the fear of poison
from preferring pretty -looking,'peas to plain ones.
It is possible, however, that it may become rather less easy
than it has been heretofore to procure tinned peas, which besides
being tinned are also coppered. Several foreign provision-dealers
have lately been summoned before MK. KNOX, and, on medical evi-
dence, fined for selling tinned peas containing copper in dangerous
quantities. As they sold them in ignorance, they have been let off
with nominal fines, but in future vendors of coppered peas may
expect to incur a penalty of fifty pounds for each offence and have
to pay.
Of course the multitude ignorantly eating peas greened with
copper must he, all of them, greener than any peas. Bright green
tinned peas may always be suspected of containing copper. If there
is any question on that point, it may be summarily settled by
pouring on the peas a little strong liquid ammonia, which, if copper
is present, will make them turn bluer than even their seller will
look when he is fined fifty pounds. So also with pickles ; only the
vinegar of the pickles will require a large excess of ammonia. In case
there is no ammonia or other means at nand of determining whether
the greenness of peas or pickles is owing to copper or no, a philoso-
pher would give copper the credit of the colour, and himself the
benefit of the doubt.
Hard Enough Either Way.
OUR Turcophiles, than Turks who more Turk oft'are,
Say EDHEM is too soft lacks Moslem ardour :
But Stamboul's rule were harder with a Softa,
And scarcely would be softer with a harder.
MORE CLEEICAL EKBORS THAN ONE.
WITH apologies to an "OLD SCTBSCBIBER," and to his Maidstone
readers en masse, Punch begs to explain that, in a paragraph
headed the " Pains and Penalties of Ritualism," " Maidstone " was,
by a clerical error, printed for " Folkestone."
MAIICH 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
SIMPLE ADDITION.
Miss jRose (who has kindly taken in hand an illiterate Housemaid). " ' FIVE AND
ONE MAKE Six.' THAT'S RIGHT. Now, WHAT DO ONE AND Six MAKE?"
Jane (promptly). " EIOHT'N PENCE, Miss ! "'
WIPING MOTHER .SlIIITUN'S EVK.
MOTHER SIIIITON'S extraordinary prophecy, set up in
type before the invention of printing, seems to havu
exercised small minds almost as much us the Eastern
Question, lint if it cornea to astonishing the public
with the marvellous Rifts of second-sight attributed to
the respectable MKS. S., what will the tribe of //</'-
i/iditcfiri say when they read the following " Prophecie"
from the Father of that name ?
Jfibr fiunurruth yrrts shall passr atoair;
^roolrs stiall tf frotoaror as to=fiait.
3 JU'st fHannr shall inirttir br mrltr;
bracon? in firlOrs shall br srttr
.ifor sftiitningr Iigtltt to pbrbrrto mrnnr,
an& romfortr of >.>r Saratrnnr.
i.r rutUr shall to tftr tooggrs fair.
in trustr of bullr aiiH morkr of brarr.
Sfoiing Chaplinnt tftat grfj>=btruf attatfcts
cfiall of a iT.laOflr stonr uiinnt sorr tbtoarhrs.
JMttl tubrs sjall br prltptt gomirs,
Bn& fiurlrn ftoltri, Inr tonnrs :
xtrrl goinirs shall toith strrl armours stnbtn.
an& ntitfirr abauntagr urnbtn.
Joftn Uullc sfiall of soffit strife bt lothr,
String tftat fit mostt pait for botft.
clnppts shall bt built anD tftsoons burstt.
t>r lastr ano utartst still pr toorstr.
ant) though of in onnr. sttmt to botor.
Sftall sinftt as tooolrarn sftijpts Donr note.
JDamrs shall got rlafl&r from top to tot
as tujhtr as thrn ust nob), or mot.
jflaiOrnnts shall sftatt tohrrr itt is nont ;
Oartuft hrBOrs upon rrarltr!) pottts shall tunnt.
fHotfttr Cfturrfit shall sort frtttt for rutfi.
but no rnnrfir of an ill Cootbt.
3:o rrtt I 'sotdt tftr stt rrts of |8?tbf n
Jf or ibtu honUrttftt lir stbtn.
Sftipton ftis ^rophrrir.
THE VALHALLA OF WAX.
THE Post presents its readers with the subjoined notification
concerning
"THE LATE CHAKLES DICKENS. The citizens of Portsmouth having
wished to erect a statue to the late CHARLES DICKENS, found themselves met
by the passage in his will to the effect that it WHS his wish that no statue
should oe set up to him after his death. Those, therefore, who wish to see a
counterfeit presentment of the great author, must resort to the galleries of
MADAME TDSSAUD, where his effigy will be found, modelled with that truth
to nature which characterises the whole of the numerous figures in the great
galleries in Baker Street."
In vain do men of genius and greatness desire to deny themselves
posthumous glorification. The illustrious fellow-townsman of the
Portsmouth people could succeed in preventing them from adorning
their city with a statue in honour of him, and also in hindering
the erection of any such memorial in Westminster Abbey. The
public at large have felt respect for his will to be the best tribute to
his memory. But let nobody who has made himself illustrious in
literature, or any other line of excellence, expect to keep his image
out of MAIUME TTTSSAUD'S. That Valhalla, or Pantheon, is inevi-
table for him at any rate ; thither, in effigy, will he, nill he, he
goes ; mark you that. All he can hope for is a pedestal decently
remote from the Chamber of Horrors, and from such personages of
distinction as the "^Claimant ; " for "Jn the great galleries in
Baker Street" celebrity makes a man acquainted with strange
companions.
"All my Eye! "
" It is hardly necessary to say that GENERAL IONATIEFP'S journey is not,
as announced, on account of an affection of the eyes." Paris Correspondent
of the Times.
Much more likely say the Russophobes that the formidable
General is coming to operate on the eyes of Europe by throwing dust
in 'em.
MUSIC MADE VISIBLE.
To the wonders of the Deep, at the Westminster Aquarium,
another wonder has been added, which may rather be described as
a wonder of the Shallow, or at least the Superficial. This new
wonder is announced as " A Vision of Music ; and the wonder of
it is that any one should fancy that music can be visible. A concert
among fish-tanks seems a trifle out of place. The sweetest sounds
one might expect there would be, perhaps the sounds of cod-fish.
But what would be the utterance of the Spirit of BEETHOVEN, on
hearing one of his finest Symphonies the lovely, ever-living
" Pastoral" performed in an Aquarium, to the accompaniment of
a Panorama !
Suppose the "Vision" is successful, will imitators copy it r If
pictures may be shown to accompany a symphony, why may not
music be performed to accompany a picture '( If panoramas can
be painted to illustrate BEETHOVEN, why should not tunes bt
introduced to give a tone to a VANDYKE, or a RUBBNS, or a RAFFAELLE '
What a happy thought for the R. A.'s at their next winter Exhi-
bition ! Let a German Band be hired to attend each batch of
visitors, and play appropriate music in their progress round the
rooms. Or let a barrel-organ stand in front of each Old Master,
whom the Council may think suited for musical illustration, and
grind appropriate airs while the connoisseurs look on.
'That's Flat!"
Is the Daily News we observe an advertiser announces this want :
AFLAT WANTED (where there are other Flats) in a good p:trt of
London, &c.
My dear Sir, in the very best parts of town you may readily meet
with any number of Flats. But perhaps it is a Widow who makes
the announcement. One at a time, Madam, or some of the Flats
might become too sharp !
98
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILIES ANGLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE DE LESTER-SCOTJKBE.)
IL etait un gendarme, a Nanteuil,
Qui n'avait qu'une dent et qu'un ceil ;
Mais cet ceil solitaire
Etait plein de mystere ;
Cette deiit, d'importance et d'orgueil.
J'AI pour voisin d'en face un vieux Juif
Romanesque, inodore et naif,
Dont les seules delices
Sont les belles saucisses
Du pays dont BISMARCK est natif.
UNE vieille (ello etait blancliisseuse)
Consultait uu docteur it Chevreuse,
Qui, pour calmer ses maux,
Snggdra des bains chauds
D'Elixir de la Grande-Chartreuse.
BEAT;, sans peur, sans reproche, et sans taches,
Chez lui tout dents, gants, linge, moustaches,
Et lorgnon, sont parfaits :
Mais il perd tons ses frais,
Parcequ'il laisse tomber ses aches I
MARCH 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
99
^PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
tt prostration from
bad air and late
hours having al-
ready put the Ghost
of SAM PEPYS hora
tie combat, at least
for the moment, the
ponderous Spirit of
SAMTJEL JOHNSON,
eager to resume,
under the pleasanter auspices of Punch, the work he used to do in
the flesh for CAVE, has taken his place. But Punch sees already the
Doctor won't do. He will not stoop to trifles. The Nasmyth
Hammer of that weighty style, good for welding thirty-ton cranks
of politics and philosophy, is out of place in cracking the nuts,
which now fill up so much of the time and attention of Parlia-
ment. However, we gave the Doctor a chance on Monday, Feb. 26,
when, in the Lords, as he reports :
My LORD STRATITEDEN AND CAMPBELL rose to call attention to
the correspondence on Turkey, and to move an Address, praying
HEK M A j EST Y, in effect, to support and maintain the Treaties of 1856.
That a Nobleman, whose devotion to his duties is evidently con-
scientious, and whose sense of the gravity of his mission is almost
overwhelming, should have been able to reduce to more than normal
emptiness benches, which, as a .'rule, are sparsely occupied, may be
in some degree owing to the subject he treats, but may, with more
confidence, be attributed to his manner of treating it.
If anything could make the Turks more odious in the eyes of
England_, if not of Europe, it would be the untoward circumstance
that their cause should have fallen into the hands of a nobleman, in
whom conscientiousness cannot excuse prolixity, nor_.good inten-
tions atone for tediousness.
That in EABL KI:V the Ministry should have found an indulgent
critic, and those on what may he called by some extension of
language-^-his own side of the House, a candid friend, whose
freedom in saying disagreeable things exceeds even that which
candid friendship has always asserted, was a result for which our
experience of that nobleman's course had prepared us. But we
rarely remember wrong-headedness so ingenious, and crotchetiness
so persistent, as those revealed in EARL GREY'S views upon the
Eastern Question.
The EABL OP DERBY, however, glad of toleration however tedious,
and support however eccentric, expressed himself sensible of the
candour of LORD CAMPBELL, and grateful for the dispassionateness
of EARL GKEY. He did his best to add to the weight of dulness
under which the House of Lords had already succumbed.
The Celtic vivacity of the DUKE OF ARGYLL, with which I am
more prepared than most to sympathise, was insufficient to relieve
the weight which had settled upon the little that was left of this
august assemblage, when, at half-past eight o'clock, the House
divided, leaving my LORD CAMPBELL AND STRATHBDEN, the solitary
supporter of his own Motion, in an assemblage of four.
England may with reason be grateful to its Peerage, which gives
this grave lesson to wordiness without wisdom, and crotchetiness
without consistency. For any other Essence to be extracted from
the incidents of this evening's debate in the Lords I seek in vain.
Nor do I find it more easy to reduce, within the limits to which I
am, for the present, confined, the desultory conversation which
to-night occupied the House of Commons, till the order of the day
was read for going into Committee of Supply.
Some may find in this brief and often futile interchange of
remarks, on a vast variety of topics, evidence of the ubiquitous
vigilance of the Commons. I see in it, rather, an obliyiousness of
the limits which separate a Parish Vestry from a Parliament, and
of the bounds within which that Legislature should confine itself,
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1877.
which admits the finality of Man's strength and Member's energy.
Yet I am bound to recognise the politeness of Ministers in answer-
ing questions, not seldom indiscreet, and in most cases superfluous ;
while I admire the skill with which such questions, when incon-
venient, may be evaded, under the pretext of answering them.
Before the discussion of the Civil Service Estimates, for the intro-
duction of which thus early in the Session much credit must be
assigned to Ministers, or rather the Departments over which they
nominally preside, MR. GOLDSMID called attention to the want of a
proper explanation of an expenditure for pacific purposes, the rise of
which from -1,000,000 in 1852, to close upon 22,000,000 in the present
year, is calculated to, arrest the attention of even the most unthink-
ing. MR. W. H. SMITH, than whom no one can better know the
importance of a good system of account-keeping, admitted the
desirableness, while he seemed to doubt the practicability, of such
an explanation. The House then proceeded to its desultory
criticism of Estimates, which it is idle to assail without study,
and hopeless to diminish by independent objection.
Tuesday (Lords). The LOBD CHANCELLOE moved the Second
Reading of a Bill which, in my time, would have been unnecessary,
to enable the MASTER OF THE ROLLS to make provision for the de-
struction of public documents. Such provision was then made by
the means taken for the nominal preservation of such documents.
But the reign of rats over records, so long uncontested, is now, I
learn, at an end for ever. The present Bill provides all needful
precautions that no documents should be destroyed whose preserva-
tion can either interest the public or enlighten the historian.
(Commons.) The same desultory multifariousness, to which my
yesterday's report directed attention, was the characteristic of the
earlier part of this evening's misemployment. But an interest was at
length given to discussion, by the attempt of ME. C. LEWIS, an active
member of the inferior branch of the legal profession, to transfer
from English to Irish hands the management of the income and
property of the Irish Society, which now administers estates in
Londonderry producing a net rental of 12,700 a year.
That this property is held by the Irish Society for public purposes
must be admitted ; that the expenditure of 4,500 a year, under
the head of Management and refreshment," by a body drawn
from the Corporation of the City of London, is expenditure for a
public purpose, may be open to question particularly when the sum
spent on refreshment is not distinguished, from that spent on manage-
ment. But a large and liberal hospitality has ever been the cha-
racteristic of our Metropolitan Municipality, and I am free to own
that I feel satisfaction in thinking that this characteristic, so far
from declining, has gathered intensity with the advancing years
of the Corporation : that their dinners are now more sumptuous and
succulent than they were in my own time, and their wines not
Ulterior in quality. I have yet to learn why hospitalities, so grace-
iully and liberally dispensed by the managers of the Irish Society of
London, should be transferred to a body of Irish entertainers, who,
it not less liberal, would certainly be less cultivated in the arts of
the table; nor has our experience of Irish local administration
been of a character to plead for its extension. Not that I feel
much sympathy with the worthy member for Peterborough, who
sees in the Irish Society the one effective bulwark in Ireland
against the invasions of Papal authority, which in his eyes are
as ubiquitous as malignant. I fail, however, to find in MR. LEWIS'S
indictment of the Society that force which alone would justify
such a large transfer of the duties of administration combined with
entertainment to an Irish body, even of those Northern counties, in
which an infusion of the penuriousness of the Scot has checked the
natural open-handedness of the Celtic race. Much stress was laid on
the good works of the Society ; much, too, on the part they had taken
in resisting the rights of their lawful Sovereign during the siege
of Derry, a page of our annals in which I, for one, find but little
satisfaction. I cannot regret that the Motion was rejected by 108 to 53.
It was with more gratification that I listened to the discussion on
HR. bAMFELSON s Motion for a Select Committee to inquire into the
system of apprenticeship of pupil-teachers in elementary schools,
and of training colleges for elementary teachers. Having myself
kept an academy for the instruction of youth, this is a subject on
which I feel entitled, however reluctantly, to assert myself as an
authority. LOHD SANDON defended. ME. FAWCETT assailed, the
existing system, both with plausible arguments. That there are
prima facie grounds of inquiry, however, MR. W. E. FOESTER, a
candid and well-informed judge on this subject, admitted, and
uts, as stated, seem to me to show. The refusal of the House
to sanction the Motion, by 46 to 104, must be taken rather as a
proof of power in the Government than of cogency in the reasoning
of its organs.
Wednesday. The desire of husbands to marry their deceased
ives sisters I have always regarded as a compliment to the
deceased wives, and the result of a natural desire to escape at least
one mother-m-law. I do not admit the argument against such unions
founded on the Old Testament. That the law in England and its
Colonies should differ on this point, is a blot I should not regret to
see removed. Hut it is one or many such blots; and I doubt the
wisdom of doing it away by a side-wind ; all the more as any incon-
venience with respect to the transmission of landed property its
sole practical inconvenience can be avoided by the simple pre-
caution of making a will. I cannot, therefore, feel satisfaction in
even the temporary triumph of ME. KNATCHBCLL-HUGESSEN'S Motion,
declaring valid in the Mother Country marriages with deceased
wives' sisters, contracted by domiciled Colonists, in Colonies where
such marriages have been legalised. Nor can I regret that to-night's
triumph will be neither of long duration nor of practical effect.
Thursday (Lords). I rejoiced to learn, from the conversation
between my Lords BELMOEE and CARNARVON, that the disgraceful
practice of kidnapping natives of the South Sea Islands whose
discovery we owe to my excellent and humane friend, CAPTAIN
COOK has been reduced to the narrowest limits by the watchfulness
of our cruisers in the Southern seas. Slavery, while it existed, may
have enlisted in its behalf much reason as well as some philanthropy.
But in defence of this abominable practice of kidnapping the rea-
soner is as silent, as the philanthropist is loud in its condemnation.
(Commons.) After a more warm than well-informed philological
discussion between SIR GEORGE CAMPBELL and LORD GEORGE
HAMILTON on the etymology of HER MAJESTY'S Indian Title, in which
I longed to raise a lexicographical and authoritative voice, I
confess to having sought the natural relief of slumber, under
the influence of a tedious discussion of the Prisons Bill. To this
I yielded with the less reluctance, when I had once satisfied
myself that the excellent provisions of the Bill are in no real
danger, either from the obstinacy of bucolic prejudice, the claims
of parochial self-importance, or the penetrating insidiousness of
local jobbery.
GO-AHEAD SPELLING REFORM.
LONDON School-Board
have been favoured
by the advice of MR.
EPAMINONDAS EZRA
SPRY on the ques-
tion, now under their
consideration, of
" Spellin Reform."
There, he says, is an
instance of that Re-
form to begin with
"spellin" for
" spelling." He re-
commends that or-
thographical reform
based upon popular
pronunciation. It is only the
" Upper Ten," who affect to talk
line, that say "spelling." The
masses on both sides of the Atlantic
drop the " g " from that word, and
pronounce it "spellin." He
thinks it may be a question
whether the aspirates which the
million commonly also drop, at
least in this country, should be
omitted also: "ham,"forinstance,
being reduced to " am." and
' ' hand " to " and." But this rule,
he fears, would breed some confusion of meaning and of parts
of speech. As to certain aspirates, too, there is, he remarks,
a diversity of usage. By some of the People "horse " is pronounced
"oss," by others "hoss." He would not himself say "old oss,"
but "old hoss," in addressing a Prince, for example, or a Peer, or a
Bishop. And this illustration leads him to a further development
of his notion of " Spellin Reform," which ought, he contends, to
include all the improvements of "spellin" effected by American
writers, of late years, in the literature of the United States.
Accordingly, ME. SPEY proposes that in the " spellin " of all such
words as " defence," " offence," and " pretence " the " c " should
be replaced with " s," as it is by the most remarkable writers in his
own country, who agree in "spellin" those words "offense,"
"pretense" and "defense," on etymological grounds, because
" s " occurs instead of " c " in the roots they are derived from as
printed in all " dixonarys " and books whatsoever in the Latin
"langwidge." On derivative grounds, also, he would have the
superfluous "u" ejected from all such nouns as "honour" and
"colour," those words to be spelt "honor" and "color;" and
" neighbour," for conformity's sake, " neighbor," or, better still,
" naibor."
The difficulty of effecting these reforms of "spellin" will be,
be
MAECU 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
101
M it. SPBY fears, " considerable some." He knows how averse English
writers of any authority are to adopt Ameriran ameliorations and
enrichments of English. He is highly indignant that all the higher
portion of the British Press eschew that expressive and elegant
adjective, "reliable," and persist in using that obsolete verb "to
lend" instead of its modern American synonym, "to loan." He
expects that an aristocratic fastidiousness will set them as obsti-
nately against every attempt at advancement in the patli of
"Spellin Utt'cirm," and especially of "goin ahead" under the Star-
Spangled Manner. His only hope for English " Spellin Reform "
lies in the creation of a demand for it among the People, who, if
they wanted it, could, by means of intimidation meetings, such as
Trafuljrar Square and Hyde Park demonstrations, pretty soon
succeed in forcing it upon an unwilling Legislature.
MRS. GRUNDY ON THE BOIL.
Oil, 3Ji: Punt-It! The thin end of another wedge in! Tin:
Colonial Marriages Bill ! But it must soon be out again. Or else
we shall shortly nave marriage with deceased wives' sisters legalised
altogether. Shocking !
How can people argue that what is lawful in the Australian
Colonies, ought to be lawful here ! Are not the Australians the
Antipodes? And does not common sense show that things in
England are the reverse of those on the opposite side of the globe '?
So that what is very wrong here, is perfectly right there, with a
few exceptions, such as robbery, murder, &c.
And then how stupid to say, that because Australian laws have
been assented to by the Crown, the Royal assent might just as well
be given to the same laws for England ! The contrary stands to
reason. And what an absurd question to ask "Suppose the
Australian Marriage Acts wrong, the Crown having sanctioned them
because they are Colonial, and suppose the Australians were to turn
Mormonites, and legalise plurality of wives, would not the Crown
be equally bound to sanction polygamy P " Of course not.
Logic is a gem, Sir, and fair-play a jewel, and hypocrisy a par-
ticular detestation to your ever moral, conscientious, and sincere
MAKTHA GHUNDT.
P.8. I am nobody's deceased wife's sister; but I scorn the
insinuation that I uphold restrictions on marriage as well as every-
thing else which affects other people only, and not myself.
Canine Devotion.
WE read, in a recent number of the Timet, an advertisement
AJiKTKIKVKIl DOG STRAYED into tho Chancery Pay-Oflice,
Chancery Lane, on Saturday, the 17th init., &o.
Was this the dog of some luckless party to a Chancery suit, who
had gone in to retrieve his master's fortune ? The word strayed "
seems superfluous. As if any intelligent man, much less any
sagacious animal, who knew where he was going, ever went, into
Chancery !
Sumptuary Echoes.
WHAT will Tailors do to frock coats, if Fashion wears a cutaway Y
Cut away !
Where will Hatters go to, if Fashion discards the chimney-pot P
Pot!
What will the Ladies do if Fashion continues tightening the bust ?
Bust !
What is the only thing left for La Mode to do, if she is deter-
mined to outstrip herself r Strip herself I
Additional Lenten Penances.
Dii. KKNEALT. To see himself as others see him.
MB. CHAPLIN. To " do it again " to MR. GLADSTONE.
MKSSRS. SWINBURNE and ROBERT BUCHANAN. To praise each
other's verses.
MR. BKOWNIHO. To restore all his missing articles.
LORD-JUSTICE CHRISTIAN. To be sat upon by a Vice-Chancellor.
SIR GEORGE JESSEL. To eat a daily slice of humble-pie.
To INVALIDS. Before dinner first have out your bark. Then
take your bite. You will fare poorly indeed if even your dearest
friends do not admit your bark is worse than your bite.
NEWS OF THE CREWS.
By Oar Special Reporter. (Oxford and Cambridge, Saturday night.)
HE Crew to-day,
after a preliminary
tubbing in the High
Street, where a con-
siderable crowd of
University men,
touts, and trades-
men, were as-
sembled to witness
the stripping of the
athletes, started to
the Spinning House
for their usual
afternoon spin.
At three o'clock
the Eight was
launched on a
strong stream, and
the Crew rowed
through Abingdon
Lock to Ditton Corner, halting for an hour at the " Plough," opposite Nuneham
House, where hot egg-flip was brought creaming out in glasses, and partaken
ot by the Coaches, which had been driven down by the Proctors on duty. Great
as was the temptation offered to the Crew, the seductive drink was noblv
refused by all except an "odd man," whose stamina could not be guaranteed
since he had rowed at the bow thwart.
A game of billiards was started, to improve the finish of the stroke, and the
lookers-on were much struck by the feather of No. Seven.
The rowing to-day might have been more satisfactory. Most of the men
put their backs well into the boat, but persist in leaving their legs outside.
v ?B v a good "^mS" 1 !? lurch forward, and comes well over his
temfenc toh 1 " ^ ^ the mid(Ue ' and> consequently, there is a
No. Six is brisk, and catches the water in his hat when Seven throws it
311 up, but he is too much occupied with his eye-glass, which must add
weight, and would be better left in his rooms.
No. Five displays perhaps the best form, his muscles standing out like loaves
upon a baker's tray. We should recommend him still to take a little more fat
down. Inis he might readily manage by eating bacon for breakfast.
No. Four, not to be outdone by the dashing stroke of
the Captain of the boat, has started a powerful stroke of
his own, which caresses No. Five's back in a manner
more remarkable as a sensation than sensational as an
improvement on his old style. However, he probably
imagines that, by getting over this style, he has dis-
covered a new field for invention.
No. Three is much to be complimented on the graceful
turn of the wrist he has adopted, which produces the
maximum of style with the minimum of work. Nothing
can be more elegant or less useful.
No. Two sticks to his work, though he appears to
quarrel with his sliding-seat a continuation of which
uneasiness may cause his work to stick to him. The only
fault we find is that he works out of the boat, which
probably accounts for his sewing-machine action when
rowing.
Bow has every right to the title, for no one of the crew
bends his head more assiduously than No. One. If there
is an objection to his performances, it is a tendency to
catch the water, which occasionally sends him back with
his legs in the air. But this is a weakness he will soon
get over.
At Baitsbito Lasher the Coaches, who happened .to be
close, took the Eight in tow, and, putting on a spurt,
they paddled home at the rate of sixty-four to the
minute, breaking three oars and losing an outrigger, but
without turning a hair.
In the evening the Crew dined at the " Scout and
Bedmaker," where the repast consisted of the various
crustaceans caught by No. One, washed down with tawny
Did University Port at twenty-seven shillings the dozen.
The pace was everything that could be desired.
We have said enough for any one with half an eye
(unless the diminished optic is of glass), to detect the
winner ; and, as the Boat Race of '77 is to be rowed at
half-past five in the morning, by gas-light and the
Limes at Mortlake, there is no doubt that the crowd
issembled will be one of the gayest and most cheerful of
;he coming season, and only too ready to accept any
suggestions which may lead to prospective pools or
impending dozens of kid gloves.
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1877.
Mrs.
. Perkins.
( Aer)
COMPLIMENTS
MRS. PERKINS 1
" MRS. WILKINS !
IN FANCY DRESS.
LQOK ,
THE DREAM OF THE BRITISH BUTCHER.
ELATE at the state of his trade and his tills,
The Butcher mused on a batch of long bills
In a mood that may well be described as Elysian,
For prices ranged high, and thermometers low,
So the Butcher droused, and in Dreamland's glow
Beheld an astonishing vision :
A Bull of a breed that was utterly new
To that Butcher's experience, burst on his view.
It was starred, it was striped, it was dotted and lined
In a fashion fantastic, which brought to the mind
The sketches for carvers in Cookery Books,
Or sartorial aids to self -measurement. " Oh ! '
Cried that Butcherman crossly, " this certainly looks
Like playing it down very low "
(For that Bull was priced over in numerals plain,
And, turtle-like, ticketed ere it was slain)
" This practice is perfectly odious I
"What! Sixpence a pound ? 'Tis too tnucbjfor my brain."
(Here the Bull gave a bellow melodious.)
" Who the dickens are you ? " snarled the Butcher. " who come
With preposterous prices to puzzle and pain us ?
Said the Bull, with a wink, f< Wall, I 'm known, when to-hum,
As Bos Americanus."
" Oho ! " yelled the Butcher, " that much-talked-of Yankee
That 's coming to cut down our profits ? No, thankee.
I'm boss of this business, and mean, if I can,
To keep up traditional prices."
Quoth the Bull, through his nose " I don't doubt you, old
~_ man,
But you 're hardly awake to this Crisis of Crises.
Smart trick of those canny Scotch fleshers ! Dare say
You 'd a pot in that pile. But the game 's had its day.
My advent is fast getting known to the town ;
Like the Coon to our Colonel you 'II have to come down .' "
" Come down ! " yelled the Butcher. " A jolly fine joke !
I '11 come down on you hot, as you '11 presently feel ! "
And he went for that Bos with his knife and his steel ;
But, hoist like a football awoke,
And fouud he had dropped all his bills in his fright ;
An omen which spoiled his repose for the night.
THE LEEK REVINDICATED.
THE information imparted to Mr, Punch by his correspondent
" CYMRICUS," that "nine Welshmen out of ten have never seen a
leek," was seasonably illustrated last week on St. David's Day, when
the members of the Most Honourable and Loyal Society of Ancient
Britons, under the presidency of the Right Hon. and Rev. LORD
DYNEVOH, celebrated their one hundred and sixty-second festival at
Willis's Rooms, and, as the Times reports, after playings, and
singings, and graces, and'grubbings, and.bubbings, look you, and
loyal and national toasts and sentiments, and a history of the Society
and its schools delivered from the chair :
" The band struck up the March of the Mm of llarlech, and boys and girls
of the schools, decorated with the national leek, paraded through the room."
After that the least amends that " CTMRICUS" could make would
be eating his leek, and eating it raw I
A Knock-Under.
SIH, See what we have at last brought these proud masters
down to ! Here is one of their cries of distress from the Bury Free
Press :
WANTED, a very PLAIN COOK ; no matter how old or ill-favoured
so long as she would prove useful ; very little work j extraordinary
wages ; good living ; lots of holidays ; followers encouraged. Address, &o.
Ha! ha! ha!
Yours, Mr. Punch, who have so often vented your insolent sneer
at our oppressed order. " SERVICE NO INHERITANCE."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARCH 10, 1877.
. .
BOS AMERICANUS;'
OR, YANKEE BEEF AND BRITISH BUTCHER.
MARCH 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
105
RECONSTITUTION OF THE IRISH SOCIETY.
(liy and for the Irith.)
HE following
scheme for a new
Organisation of
the Irish Society
has been dropped
into Mr, Punch's
letter-box. Mr. P.
has no clue to the
authorship, unless
such a clue may be
afforded by a torn
card, containing
only the words,
"MAJOR O'G-,"
and a much soiled
paper, apparently
a portion of a pro-
vision merchant's
little account,
which seemed to
have found their
way by oversight
into the envelope.
The rules are
written in two
very irregular
hands, with great
variety of ortho-
graphy, some-
times the phonetic method, and sometimes the established rule
being followed. We have restored the conventional spelling
throughout, except in the case of a few Irishisms.
I. The Society, known as the Irish Society, elected out of the
London Livery Companies, shall and do from the date of these
presents renounce and surrender, freely, voluntarily, absolutely,
and of their own consent, or it will be worse for them, all their
right, property, and claims in the estates, lands, demesnes, and
their appurtenances, heretofore known as the estates of the
Irish Society in Derry, and Coleraine, or elsewhere, wheresoever
and whatsoever, as hereinafter provided.
II. All base, brutal, and Saxon use of the humiliating word
" livery," in connection with the Trustees of the said Society, shall
cease henceforth and for ever, and any use of the word in connec-
tion with such Trustees, shall from the date of these presents
be punishable as a felony by tine and imprisonment, without
benefit of clergy.
III. Three hundred and sixty-five Trustees of the said pro-
perty and estates, whatsoever and whensoever, shall be elected,
by universal suffrage, at a date to be fixed by the Act confirming
the present Constitution, by the Irish people, from the people of
Ireland.
IV. For the purpose of such election, every voter entitled to vote
shall have one vote for himself and one or more for everybody else,
but shall be at liberty to lump either vote upon both, or all on
either.
V. The said three hundred and sixty-five Irishmen so elected,
irrespective of faith or faction, creed, country, or coleur of their hair,
to be the sole Executive of the New Irish Society, and to enter on
the administration thereof, for the benefit of the people of Ireland,
such benefit to be distributed and apportioned in proportions to be
hereafter determined according to the creeds and populations of
counties. The farmers' clubs in the said several counties to fix the
said prop ortions.
VI. Any dispute that may arise during the said elections, or in fixing
the said proportions, to be settled by arbitration with the ancient
national weapon of the Milesian people, the blackthorn, or shil-
lelagh.
VII. All such weapons to be cut and trimmed to a scale and
weight, to be approved by the Irish Society, as hereby reconstituted,
and after a standard, to be kept in the archives of the Society,
under three locks, to be retained always by the Master of the Society
for the time being, and his predecessor and successor.
VIII. Every Trustee of the Society to have been born and to live
in Ireland for the term of his natural life, and in the event of his
being elected to serve in the Parliament of Great Britain, to bind
himself by oath to vote with the Irish Home Rule party for the time
being, as required by its recognised leader, and if there be two or
more such leaders, by the one he likes best.
IX. No Lord Mayor or Alderman of London to be eligible as
Trustee of the said Society, unless he is an Irishman by birth and
nationality, and if any sucli should be chosen, he shall abjure his
allegiance to the Municipality of London before entering on his duties
as a Trustee of the Society.
X. No tenant of the said lands or estates to be liable to eviction
for any cause whatsoever, except in the event next hereinafter
provided. All such tenants to be treated aisy in regard to their rints,
and quarter-days to be shifted to suit their convenience.
XI. Any tenant on the said lands and estates to be liable to
summary eviction if he be found calling for any drink other than
native Irish whiskey, or for drink that has paid duty, when there is
any other to be had.
XII. The charge for " management and refreshment" to be a
fixed charge on the rental of the said lands and estates, and to
stand as in the present accounts of the said Society, at 4,500
per annum, with a margin for extras. The item " Management,"
to include among such extras arms and ammunition required by
tenants and trustees of the said estates for attack and defence ; and
the item " Refreshment," to include among such extras doctors'
bills, funeral expenses, and other necessary appurtenances and
appliances of social enjoyment.
XIII. All Trustees attending the meetings of the Society to be
required to leave their bits of twigs outside the door of the place
of meeting.
XIV. Three Trustees to be a quorum, unless more are present
within three hours of the time fixed for any meeting.
XV. In the event of the Trustees being reduced by any difference
of opinion, arbitration, or argument, or the consequences thereof,
within the next three years below a quorum, as hereinbefore con-
stituted, the management of the said land and estates to pass to a
Gentleman who has long been known as the truest Friend of Ireland,
not meaning MB. BCTT, Q.C., as to whom the present schame
desires to express no opinion, beyant remarking that it is a pity if
he 's the best that can ue got to spake up for ould Ireland.
XVI. In the event of the said Friendof Ireland coming into the
management of the said lands and estates, he shall be required
to add to his name the definite article of Milesian tribal chieftain-
ship, and the vowel of Milesian patronymic significance, and be
known as The O'Punch, meaning thereby the Irish whiskey Punch,
and he will be further required to bind himself, before the Six
Masters in Chancery and Irish History, to drink nothing but that
same for the rest of his natural life.
[The last page is written in a hand that keeps growing more and
more difficult to decipher, till at last it becomes utterly unintelli-
gible, and the last page is suddenly torn across, as if in a struggle
for its possession.]
OUE NOVEL SERIES.
ALL IN THE DOWNS;
OR, THE BOTTOHBY BOND I
A NAUTICAL HOVXL, BT
8. PL-M8-LL, M.P.
CHAPTKK II. Plot Sam and Jet Sam.
THE Stevedore grasped his knife.
" Vou shall hear from me ! " he muttered.
BILLY heeded him not.
" I have heard o/you already," he replied. " You don't suppose
I "ve wormed in Brazilian Waters for nothing ! "*
The Spaniard grew livid.
' Do not provoke him any further I " entreated MABT.
" Leave him to me ! " said the Junior Warden, pushing the others
aside " to me and the Law ! "
WILLIAM started, but he was rooted to the spot by the apparition
of a short man, in a suit of rusty black, with a set of papers under
his arm.
"Now," said the Junior Warden, "answer me! You took out
a charter-party '! "
" Aye, aye, yer Honour, for a row, and brought 'em back safely."
" But you ran into a sheer hulk, without speaking with her ! "
said the Warden.
" Avast there, your Honour ! " answered WILLIAM. " We
couldn't speak with her, 'cos she was a Dumb Barge."
" And," returned the Junior Warden, sternly, she couldn't see
you, as the unfortunate creature had no lights, and only dead eyes.
You are charged with incalculable damage."
' By whom ? " asked WILLIAM, boldly.
" By this gentleman," replied the Warden, pointing to the person
in black. " He is the Average Stater, and never overshoots his mark.
Your boat was confiscated for these damages, this day at twelve
o'clock. It is now five minutes past."
* What does " wormed " mean ? A r ote Ei>.
Vide Xaulical Dictionary. Ant. S. 1'.
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 10, 1877.
" I am ruined ! " exclaimed WILLIAM.
MAST wept on her father's shoulder, and the crowd was visibly
moved.
The Stevedore smiled primly.
" You cannot pay ? " inquired the Warden.
" I cannot ! " answered WILLIAM, despairingly.
" Then," said the Warden, raising his voice, and beckoning to a
couple of men whose blue coats, cocked hats, and short cutlasses,
betokened their official capacity, " Water-Bailiff s, do your duty! '
" Sorry for it, MISTEK BILL," said the ,two men ; " but duty is
duty!" .;; .i^:..,,.^:
" Do it, you two SAMUELS ! " returned WILLIAM.
The two Water-Bailiffs, who were two brothers of the name of
SAMUELS (abbreviated into " SAM," and known as FLOX SAM and
JET SAM), produced a warrant and a pair of handcuffs.
" Never ! " cried MABT, as, quitting her father, she threw her
arms about WILLIAM.
" Stay ! " said the Warden, bestowing a glance of intelligence on
the Stevedore. "WILLIAM can either go to prison, or, take his
passage, as Purser, aboard the Albert Ross, which sails to-night.
Choose at once ! " MABT looked up in his face beseechingly. The
Water-Bailiffs paused.
CHAPTER III. How the Bait is offered to our poor Sailors.
WILLIAM TAILLEUB eyed the good ship Albert Ross.
A clerk stepped forward with pen and ink.
" If you like to sail on board this craft," said the Junior Warden
of the Sink Port, who was, privately part-owner with the Stevedore,
trading under the name of the firm before mentioned, " you shall
marry my daughter when my ship comes home."
MART turned her beautiful eyes up toward the skies, and then
kissed her parent.
WILL TAILLEUR could no longer hesitate.
" Give me the pen ! " he cried. And, taking the quill and paper
from the clerk, he signed the Articles.
A smile of triumph passed over the faces of the Junior Warden
and the Stevedore.
MAET bade WILLIAM a tender farewell, and withdrew.
Five minutes after WILLIAM had gone aboard, he returned.
" I will not sail in the Albert Ross .' " he protested, firmly. " She
ii unseaworthy ! "
" To gaol then with him ! " cried the Warden, furiously.
The Water-Bailiffs advanced, each armed with the necessary
dock-warrant.
" The Albert Ross is not fit to leave the dock ! " cried the un-
happy WILLIAM, as the minions of an unjust and cruel law which
I hope everyone will help me to abolish approached.
" Not leave the dock ! " exclaimed the first Water-Bailiff.
"What dock?"
" This ! " replied WILLIAM, stoutly, pointing to the dock where
they were standing. " This is the dock I mean."
>f Nay ! " answered the Bailiff, producing a dock-warrant for his
arrest. " This is the dock-you-meant ! "
The jest was cruel, but not BO cruel as the Law which occa-
sioned it.
So WILLIAM was led away to gaol by his captors.
Whoever you are who read this, help the poor Sailors, and don t
; let them be sent to sea unless they like ! Oh, ye Gentlemen of
England, who live at home at ease, how little do you think upon the
dangers of the seas when the stormy winds do blow-ow-ow, when
the stormy winds do blo-ow-ow-ow ! But I, the spinner of this
yarn, know all
about it ; I
haven't nearly
met my death on
board a merchant
ship at sea, and
got a berth in a
model lodging-
house on shore,
fornothing. But,
my lads, I have
a tale to tell, and
I must heave a-
head !
CHAPTER IV.
A Scene at
Lloyd's.
WHILE WIL-
LIAM was cooling
his heels and his
heated brain in a
prison-cell, the
Spanish Steve-
dore had gone up
to town.
He drove to
C'ornhill, and,
after a short
parley with a
gentleman in
official costume
(of whom more
anon), he entered
the Long Koom
at LLOYD'S
Coffee House,
where the
Writers, In-
surers, Shippers,
and Skippers do
congregate. The
business, as con-
ducted here, is,
in general, fair and honest enough. But LLOYD'S profit is not
altogether unalloyed with risk. Now, "risk" means "speculation,"
and speculation must involve dishonesty.
It will be as well at this point, in order to thoroughly interest my
reader (or readers for I trust I have more than one, and, if I have
not, I '11 send copies, gratis, all over the world), that I should give a
clear and exact account of the constitution of LLOYD'S.
The first question naturally is Who is LLOYD P
I give the answer. Here it is :
The gentleman in the official costume above alluded to, who, for
the sake of respectability, and to impress visitors with an idea of
the high character of the business, is dressed in the same style as is
the beadle in a church. This is MR. LLOYD himself, or one of the
family ! ! ! He it is who takes an enormous per-centage on all the
profits, while incurring no risk. He it is into whose pockets fall all
the profits accruing from the coffee consumed in LLOYD'S Coffee-
House. He it is who receives the entrance-fees from the new
members, and accepts the immense sums which are paid by Tide-
waiters wishing to serve the customers in the Coffee-House. And,
finally, he it is who has the sole right to admit, alter, and arrange
the charts and maps kept in the establishment, and he it is who
alone receives the gratuities daily nay, hourly presented by the
members to the custodian of their hats, coats, umbrellas, and sticks,
MABCH 10, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
A DECIDED OPINION.
Projrrietor of Sltootiinjs ("in the course of Conversation"). " YBS, BUT YOU KNOW, SANDY, IT'S DIFFICULT TO UIIOOSK BETWEEN TBK
SCYLLA OF A SHY TENANT, AND THE CUABYBDIS OF "
Sandy (promptly). " AWKEL I GIB MB TH SILLER, AN' ANYBUDDY THAT LIKES MAY HAE THE TITHSB!"
for which tickets of non-admission are given on their being de-
posited in thq hall ! ! Is it conceivable that here in England, in the
very heart of our bit trading city, one man should be possessed
of so enormous, so unlimited a power ! ! ! ! Yet so it is. A captain
who has a ship to insure which is likely to be knocked about by the
Breakers, goes to the Brokers. The Official LLOYD gives him an
introduction, for which he pays handsomely.
The business is divided between the tlnderwriters (who won't
insure for anything like the amount, and who are, more or less, safe
and comparatively honest) and the Overwriters (who will insure to
any amount, on receiving a bonus as encouragement-money). And
these are speculators, and unseaworthy to the last degree.
It was to a firm of Overwriters that DON JOSE DI SALAMANCA, the
Spanish Stevedore, and Co-owner of the Albert Ron, applied.
" What 's she laden with ? " inquired ME. HICKOHY, of the firm
of HICKORY, DICKOBY, ABD DOCQTJE.
" Grain," replied DON JOSE. " Will you take her ? "
"We will take her," replied the other, slily winking at his com-
panion. " Cum qrano satis."
IIow much ? inquired MB. DOCQUE.
" Five hundred thousand pounds," replied the Stevedore, firmly.
A thrill went round the entire room, and several timid Under-
writers lost their assurance for the moment.
" IIow much to do it?" asked MB. WALKER, junior partner in
the same firm.
" Fifty thousand pounds," replied the Don.
The Overwriters regarded one another suspiciously. It was not
DON Josh's tirst transaction. The Overwriters paused. The Under-
writers trembled ; and even LLOYD himself felt a shudder pass
through the gold lace of his hat-band.
*****
(To be continued.)
THE CZAR is said to be longing for a " golden bridge." We
thought it was a Golden Horn on which his wishes were fixed.
TO MARCH.
(A Snarl in Season.)
THE " roaring moon of daffodil and crocus."
So sings our Laureate How these bards provoke u
With their periphrasis and hocus-pocus !
Roaring ? ThaOs true ; with dusty blasts that choke ua ;
But while to wrath your mad March airs provoke us,
Your flowery fancies seem a bitter jocus,
And snow-drops chilly sarcasms ! Wherefore poke us
With spring flowers, while 'gainst WinterfrosU we stoke us '?
The floral charms of March who cares to focus,
Except in Cerent-Garden ? charming locus,
Where alone Spring-time does not freeze or soak us ;
In Mackintosh where we 've no need to cloak us,
From " roaring moon of daffodil and crocus ! "
Taking the Consequences.
MB. J. KKAD, of Rose Cottage, Ipswich, sends to the Anglian
Times an indignant letter, complaining of the fines imposed on him
by the Ipswich Magistrates for refusing to vaccinate his children.
The gist of his letter is in the following sentence :
"The amount I am unjustly ordered by the Great Unpaid to pay to the
borough of Ipswich, I will gladly pay, and thank God I am free from the dogs
of vaccination. I hare been hunted about like a madman would be chared,
but henceforth I can rest with my family in Ipswich, for every one of my
unraccinated children hare had the small pox, and therefore by law/r, all
six of them."
This is indeed, as the Editor remarks, paying such a price for
freedom as few parents would care to pay.
USEFUL MILITARY EXERCISE FOB CABMEN (suggested by a Victim).
Judging distances.
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAHCII 10, 1877.
THE WAY OF ALL FISH.
Customer. "Nor MUCH CHOICE TO-DAY!"
Fishwife. " WEEL, YE SEE, MANCHESTER TAKS A LOT, AN' THE NOO A WHEEN
QANQ TAB ANITHEE PLACE THEY CA' LENT."
RIP VAN WINKLE ON HIS BOUNDS.
Mr DEAR MB. PUNCH.
IT is not often I venture out of my quiet nest in the country, where I
fell asleep many, many, years ago. But when I do wake up it is usually for a
week in Town, and a round of the Theatres. Once I used to dread, while I
craved, the excitement of this sudden transition from long sleep into sudden
life. The rush of novelty was too much for me. But now how different my
experience !
In nine out of ten of the Theatres, if 'the managers had planned their entertain-
ment to suit my nerves and consult my feelings, they would have put forth just
the bills I see. A hazy halo of antiquity hovers round these programmes, and
takes off all sharp shock of newness. The first theatre I visited after my last
waking was the Haymarket. I rather doubted the wisdom of beginning with
that dear little, ugly, inconvenient, old home of .legitimate comedy. BUCKSTONE
used to be such a fellow for novelty in his pieces, if not his performers. He
never fell back on the stock old comedies, while there was a lively new one to
be tempted on to the boards "Here," I thought to myself, "I shall be sure
to see a picture of life as it is, fresh, sparkling, and above all, English to the
backbone. But shall I ever be able to staad the shock ? " Judge of my
amazement to find as the piece de resistance of ftfe evening's entertainment a
classical comedy in blank verse, which I remember to have seen produced many
years ago. As it was very fairly acted by some of the men not all, though, by
any means and admirably by two of the ladies, in particular, the actress who
played Pygmalion's jealous wife, and the charming ingenue who gave anew
grace to the heroine the freshest thing by far I have seen iu my rounds I was
not disappointed with my evening, and, on the whole, felt thankful for the
interposition of an old play between my slumberous country existence and the
new nistrionic experiences, which must, I felt, be awaiting me in my future
adventures. But lo ! the further I fared, the staler grew the pieces. Original
or adapted, it was all the same. If the English dress was new, the French original
was safe to be old ; while, if the English was original, it was of an antiquity
more or less venerable.
Thus, at the Prince of Wales's, that delightful drawing-room house, which
I have always associated with drawing-room plays of home growth, instead
of a charming comedy of ROBERTSON'S, I found myself assisting at the
performance an admirable one, I am bound to say of an adaptation from
SARDOU'S comedy of Let Intimes, an old acquaintance
in its original garb, and adapted more than once already ;
in which the French figure showed through the English
dress like a Mossoo masquerading as a Milord.
At the Court, the Strand, and the Folly, I found myself
equally safe from the shock of novelty. Here the staple
of the entertainment was furnished by old friends, two
Havmarket comedies, and one Olympic comedietta,
which I had first enjoyed I won't say how many years
ago long before I sank into my country slumber.
True, if good acting can freshen old parts, there was a
great deal of it employed in New Men and Old Acres ;
while MR. CLARKE'S breadth of grotesqueness in Jleetle,
Miss LYDIA THOMPSON'S grace in Mrs. Smylie, and
Ma. LIONEL BROUGH'S unexaggerated truth in the north
country manufacturer, Ironstone, gave much effect to
the characters. But they couldn't make old plays new.
At the Adelphi and the Princess's, still in my fearful
search for novelty, I had to face nothing newer than
two venerable melodramas, which have survived the
shocks of repeated revivals.
Hurrying thence to the Vaudeville, where some years
ago I had seen a most amusing comedy of MR. BYRON'S
most excellently acted, you may guess my relief to find
the very amusing comedy still in the bills, and to learn
that no change in the programme was expected for many
years to come.
At the Globe I was let down as easily by an old bur-
lesque of my evergreen friend BLANCHE'S, which I
remember to have laughed at when I was a little boy.
At the Saint James's I was treated to a very well
acted version of a French piece, which had had the
gloss of novelty well taken off here and in Paris, by
long runs in both capitals in its original French.
Even at the Olympic, where the piece was new, it
was the dramatised version of a novel that certainly was
not.
My last venture was at the Gaiety, and here, strange
to say, I did find novelty, though in the experienced
hands of an old, old, friend the TOOLE that never
seems to lose point or edge, for all its hard work, in the
long intervals between my naps, but looks always, each
time I come upon it at work, as bright and sharp as ever.
Here I saw, in Artful Cards, an English piece, built
up out of an idea suggested by a French one, but Eng-
lish in the cast of its fun, its jokes, dialogue, and treat-
ment of incident ; English, above all, in its avoidance of
impurity and impropriety. The shock to my nerves was
sharp, but not insalubrious. I laughed till I cried at
Artful Cards, and since then my sleep has been haunted
by visions of TOOLE, struggling with a Trombone.
There, too, I saw a BISHOP on the stage, who really did
almost as much credit to the Bench, by his excellent
performance on the Boards, as my liberal and large-
minded friend, DR. FRAZER, of Manchester, by his
appearance at the leading Manchester theatres the other
day. This was the only performance that put my nerves
to a severe trial, and showed me there was still some-
thing new to be seen in a London Theatre, a fact which,
hut for this, I might have doubted, and gone back to my
repose in the comfortable conviction that on the boards
at least all was as I left it when I fell asleep, I won't
say how many years ago.
Tours sincerely, RIP REDIVIVUS.
Worse and Worse!
DEAR MR. PUNCH,
KNOWING your wise horror of Ritualism, I beg
to direct your attention to a startling novelty in vest-
ments at St. James's, Hatcham, which I cull from this
day's Standard. After the usual free fight, the offertory
alms, says the reporter, " were collected by six of the
Choirmen'in red bags " ! Such is the growth of the seed
sown by MR. TOOTH ! No wonder the congregation, like
the bulls in Spain, get excited, when they see the Choir-
men walking about in red baas ! I certainly think the
Bishop should write to MR. DALE. Surely he can be no
party to such proceedings ?
Yours, A PLAINTIVE PROTESTANT.
NOT WANTED.
WE regret to see by the evening papers that Oysters are
up again. The Natives have risen at Tangiers !
MARCH 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
FIVE O'CLOCK TEA."
Mistress. " I REALLY MUST INQUIRE, TIMMINS, WHY THIS TEA COMES UP so
WEAK OF AN AFTERNOON ? "
Parlour-Haiti. " WELL, IT SHOULD NOT, M'UK ! COOK, SHE PUTS IN A
SPOONFUL FOR 'BRSELF, A SPOONFUL FOR MYSELF, AND A SPOONFUL FOR THE
PARLOUR ; AND AS YOU RINGS AS WE FINISHES, I FILLS UP THE TEAPOT MYSELF
WITH HILIN' WATER I "
THE STUDIOS.
" BOUND FIRST."
" BEEN round the Studios P " Why, of course. Have not notes of invitation
been pouring in by every post? "Dear old man, give us your opinion." " Man
cher vieux, your judgment is worth thousands. Come, then ! " " Dear P..
picture 's nearly ready. Do pop in as you pass ! " " Best of wags, come and
chaff my canvas next Monday ! " &c., &e., &c. And so on by the dozen.
Of course we are only mortal, and we have been tempted by the voice of the
charmer in oils, marble, or terra-cotta, to advance snacks of .the banquet to be
offered on the first Monday in May to the Art-loving Public.
Mr. Punch publishes his impressions as copied from his note-book the fol-
lowing day, to the best of his belief, though, by the way, he has no distinct
recollection of what day it was on which he made the tour, but he is certain,
if he has made any mistakes in his report, or appears to have got things mixed
in any way, that it has nothing to do with the odd nips of Chartreuse, hospitable
bumpers of Kcpderer, or passing thimblefuls of Imperial Tokay which kind and
hospitable artists forced down his unwilling throat with a lavish bonhomie alto-
gether irresistible.
" To MILLAIS'S new Studio. Extraordinary state. Sumptuous arrangement
of apartments. Serving-men in Moyen-Age liveries. Studio 150 by 70 feet.
Priceless furniture. Unapproachable tapestries. Treasures of bric-a-brac.
New pictures. Landscape, ' The Rustling of the Rushes 'Caledonia with the
chill on. ' Rushes bending low ' as far as the eye can reach. "What a rush
there will be to see it ! Portrait life-likeness of a British Beef-Eater. At the
present prices of meat how long will there be such a thing left? This old
hero might be the last of his race, and is worthy to bring up its rear ! (Cham-
bertin.)
" Thence to LEIGHTON'S Italian palace. Velvet-skinned Signorine in Vene-
tian costumes, and Greek maidens in pepla mustn't say ' urns ' take my hat
and coat. A small black page appropriates, temporarily, my umbrella. Ushered
into the presence. Entirely absorbed in the grand statue of ' The Acrobat
and the Trombone.' (An officious friend persists in saying it is ' The Athlete
and the Serpent.' We know .better.) Models are posing, in the most
lovely attitudes, in all corners of the luxurious atelier.
(Tokay.)
" Close by, to VAL PBINSEP'S, to see how the Delhi
Eicture is getting on. The artist has had daily sittings
com the crossing-sweeper in St. James's Square and the
elephants from SANGEK'S, and, with the aid of regular
lessons in Hindostanee from PUOKKSHOB MONIEK WIL-
LIAMS, is rapidly getting into his canvas the genuine
couleur locate. (Tiffin.)
" On again, like Ifandering Jew. to MABCUS STONE'S.
Wai it MAKCUS STONE or H. 8. MARKS? Well never
mind! Capital picture, "whicheverlit was. 'Getting
over the Old Style' was it? Costume of end of last
century, I remember. No by Jove ! That must have
been at Mias THOMPSON'S studio of coarse I remember
now ' End of, the Last Sentry.' Expiring in the snow
outside of Buckingham Palace. That's it. MABCUB
STONE'S picture was ' Burning Shame,' and MARKS'H
' Old King Cole and his Fiddlers Three.' Capital Testi-
monial to the late Director of the South Kensington
Museum. Splendid composition. Miss ELI/AHUM T.
must be making no end of money. Just engaged Butler.
' Heavy Charge ' Balaclava, not Butler. (Military
port.)
" Perfect nest of studios. Fulham Avenue full of 'em.
Suggestion to Board of Works for change of name.
Call in on G. H. WILLS, Author-Artist, or Artist-
Author forget which. Another palace. Simplex mun-
ditiis. Not much furniture, but, what there is of it,
sumptuous. Silks and satins everywhere one scarcely
likes to put one's foot down for fear of treading on
things. Grand subject' Cooking King Charles the
First's Last Chop.' (Sitter beer in the native pewter.)
" After Fulham, Chelsea, of course ! Down to
WHISTLER'S' Whistle, and I '11 come to you, my lad ! '
Another artistic palace. Superb decorations. Japanese
Octopi on a silver ground pervading the dining-room
the arms embracing cornice, and the suckers studding
ceiling. Am I here, or in Japan or China Chelsea
China? Received with open arms, a war-whoop, and
a mint julep. By Jupiter, what a sketch ! Beg ten
thousand pardons ! what a finished picture! I mean
that Fugue in blue-major, with pizzicato background.
One delicious tone predominating in thirds through the
entire composition. Whichever way the picture is hung,
it conies nght. It is undeniably a Whistler. (Saki out
of a six-mark jar.)
"Here, Cabby! To the other Studios. 'Where?'
Why, what was the name of the gentleman who painted
' Noah laying in American Beef for the Ark ' t Well,
never mind. There 's lots of Studios in St. John's
Wood. No. not GEORGE LESLIE'S not yet, nor ARMI-
TAGE'S let's see. Goto Is it CALD EBON'S, LONG'S,
or ? 'Tis so ! Exactly. Drive to TISSOT'S. More
next week. Here, Cabby ! Which picture did I like
the best ? Oh ! ' You leave it to me '? Well, here 's
five shillings. Go round the rest to-morrow or why
should I go to expense of another cab s'p'ose I stay
here, I shall have the rest going round now "
Chinese Greek Fire.
IN once more reconstructing the British Navy, our
Government will probably have to follow the Chinese. The
Celestials have begun naval reconstruction at the begin-
ning, and have already learnt the alphabet, or at least
the Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and Delta, of it, in the shape ot
as many gun-boats of a better quality, both for fighting
and sailing, than any in our own navy. It seems clear
that little boats with big guns are to be the fighting ships
of the future ; and JOHN BULL, if BRITANNIA is still to
rule the waves, must get the start of JOHN CHINAMAN,
and not let JOHN CHINAMAN learn his letters especially
his Greek letters before JOHN BULL.
ANEW ROUGHS' GUIDE, and Companion to the Blue
Book, the Red Book, or the Upper Ten Thousand (designed
to complete the Set). THE BLACK BOOK and PpLICE COUKT
GUIDE, giving a full account of the oriein, family history, and
achievements of the Lower Ten Thousand.*
* [The Register of Habitual Criminals in England and Wales
for the years 1869 to 1876 has just been printed in the printing
works of Her llajesty'i prison, Brixton. The ponderous volume
is bound in black, and contains the names of 12,164 criminals,
with all their aliases. Times, March 7 ]
VOL. T.TTTT,
110
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANGLMSES.
(Pur AJ.-ATOLE DE LEsiER-scoriBE.)
JE voudrais etre un beau berger blond
Qui jouat du cornet a piston,
Repondit au sonore
Et doux nom d'IsiDOKE,
Et connut son subjonctif a fond !
A COLOGNE est un maitre d'hotel
Hors du centre du ventre ducjuel
Pe projette une sorte
De tiroir qui supporte
La moutarde, et le poivrc, et le sel.
L'IXOELLBM ArchevSque de Parrae
Soupirait, en versant une larme .
" Que de Liebig 1'Extrait
A pour moi de 1'attrait !
Que le Bccuf d'Australie a du charme ! "
" PAEFUM ! ideal <le mes reves !
En vains flots jusqu'a moi tu t'eleves !
Oui, j'ai beau t'aspir r, J
Je ne puis digerer
Ni ton lard, Plat biviii, ui tes (eves ! "
MAHCII 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ill
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
E have found it easier to call up the
~ irrepressible PEPTS than to lay
his perturbed spirit. Though _the
Chinese Ambassador was anxious
to have given us a report of last
week's debates. he is particularly
interested in the Naval Estimates
since he took his trial-trip and
fired the big gun aboard the Delta,
and declares "Me no put piecee
cotton 'in ears any more now"
SAMUEL fairly hustled the amazed
Celestial down the stairs of our
office, and forced his own MS. upon
our devil before the less self-asser-
tive Chinaman could pull himself
together. -- For a ghost, PEPYS is about the
most solidly materialised spirit flesh and
blood can come across, and a Chinaman, above
all a littr itus, wasted by the competitive
examinations of a lifetime, has no chance
with him.
The PBPTS reports are remarkable for their
cool ignoring of all but what interests the
author. Thus, on Friday, March 2, we find
no word of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHE-
QUER'S answer to MESSRS. MUNDELLA and
SAMU ELSOJT , showing that the inquiries by the
Philippolis Commission had been a farce, re-
sulting only in the acquittal of TOSSOON BET,
one of the worst offenders, and MR. BARING'S
withdrawal in disgust from proceedings he
could not control and would not countenance.
But he bursts into the Declaration debate :
The House to-night would no going back
from the Declaration of Paris, for all MR.
PEHCT WYNDHAM spoke mighty smart to show that if free ships were to be permitted to make free goods, England's power on the sea
were as good as s-one in war time. And methinks it was pretty to hear Ministers, that some can remember loud and lusty in their knocks
against your free-traders, fain to hold with them that the less war was allowed to meddle with neutral bottoms the better : and which,
indeed, "is common sense for us that are oftenest neutral, and great carriers of goods by sea, and please God will long be so. And so I
am glad to hear MR. BOURKE, and one so high-stomached on the other side as SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT, holding the same discourse ;
and do see clearly that time opens the eyes even of your stiflest fanatiques, so you give them a reasonable turn of Office, which
indeed is a great corrector of your high-flier. And I do take it as settled to-night, by 170 to 56, that free ships shall make free goods
henceforth : and no more dispute thereof possible, methinks, to any good purpose, but indeed I know not it, failing dispute to good
purpose, there be not some that must needs have it to no purpose at all.
Monday. Talk among my Lords, but to no end, over a Bill of my LORD CAMPERDOWN for Election' of the Metropolitan Board of
Works by Ratepayers instead of Vestries. My Lords did think no good would come'.thereof to the Board ; which, indeed, I know not,
nor could learn, but would gladly have the best Board that may conveniently be gotten. But the Bill was negatived without a division.
In the Commons, SIB C. LEGARD, and many country gentlemen at his back, have taken sore amiss a thing said by my LORD
CHIEF JUSTICE COLERIDGE, tin a poaching case at the Durham Assizes, that he would give no certificate for costs in such cases, for
that if gentlemen would make laws to protect the amusements of the rich, the rich must e'en pay for the maintaining of them. Which,
I think, though it may be a true thing enough, was scarce a seemly saying for a Judge on the Bench, that should know nothing of law
for rich or law for poor, but should look only to the law that he is set there to administer, and the breaking of it that he is bound to punish.
Still, when one thinks of all the crimes that do come of poaching nowadays, one can understand that the Judge who has to punish
112
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[[MABCH 17, 1877.
Nimrod. " WHAT I OUT AGAIN, VICAE !
The Vicar. " AH ! BUT THIS is A LENT HORSE ! "
SEASONABLE.
FRESH NAG, TOO ! I THOUGHT PARSONS DID NOT HUNT JUST NOW 1 "
crime may well feel sore at the thought that an amusement of rich
men which certainly fowling be should cause the poor so much
temptation. And. indeed, for all the cost of raising and keeping of
game, there is, and ever will he, a difference in men's minds between
killing wild things and stealing tame; and I do myself feel it, 'in
spite of law, and, some do say,logic. Yet methinks the logic can
scarce be all against them that think so. Still, I would not have
a Judge own to this. So I was sorry my LORD JUSTICE COLEBIDGE
gave back flout for flout, and wrote a high, huffing letter, denying
the right of the House to call him to account. For I do see the
House hath, or do claim, the right to call all to account, and will
not that its right should be questioned.
ME. GRANT DUFF, the sharp-faced, red-haired, thin man, that did
mind me of a weasel the first time I saw and heard him, mighty
keen to know who called back CAPTAIN BURNABY, of the Queen's
Brigade of Guards, that had ridden to Khiva, and was using his eyes
when there, as his legs to get there, and did ask whether if the
recall came from our War Office, it came not from Russia, and thence
round by the Foreign Office, which, MR. HARDY would not answer,
and methinks the question a little troubled him. And I do hear
that the more it is asked the less it is like to be answered. But I do
not think that in the old Protector's time we would have bid back
a Captain at the Muscovite's bidding, or any other foreign Prince's.
Then MR. SECRETARY HARDY to moving of his War Estimates.
But, lord ! to think how little in these days a Minister doth make to
ask for nigh upon fifteen millions for one Office, which is three times
as much as all the Offices together did cost in my time. Lord grant the
money be but well spent. And he mighty pleased that all doth go
so well with his Office, and recruits coming in merrily if somewhat
small in stature and young in years, and doth hope promotion and
retirement will soon go on as briskly as recruiting,, which I wish may
be so, but do find many doubting, especially officers that do wait a
promotion or wish for good terms of retirement. They that had
abused the War-Office schemes mighty ready and large in apology ;
above all one MURE, a Colonel, did. as it were, put his head under
MR. SECRETARY HARDY'S foot, and ask to be danced on which,
methought, was scarce seemly, though I am glad Mr. Secretary hath
good ground to be so cheery : and, lord ! to think how different it
was in my time, and how now your great heads of Offices must
come cap in hand to the House of Commons, and how rejoiced they
are when they have a good account to render of their Offices ; and
how in my time we thought little of the Parliament, and much of
the Offices, and I, for my part, would have taken it mighty ill if any
under a Lord had meddled with the accounts or business of Our
Office. And now all changed. And I do hope it is all for the better
and do indeed think so, not being myself now in Office.
Tuesday. In my Lords' House my LORD MIDDLETON was to have
put a question touching my LORD CHTEI' JUSTICE COLERIDGE'S sharp
saying of the law against poaching ; but as the same question had
been put in the Commons the night before, my Lord did not put it.
But methinks I may well be content that I hold my place no longer
in Our Office, after I did hear MR. WARD HUNT, that is now First
Lord Commissioner therein, so scurvily handled to-night by all manner
of Members, great and small, for miscarriages aboard the Queen's
ships, whereof all, big or little, at sea or in harbour, be now laid at the
door of the Office, or on the back of the First Lord, so that he do
seem to stand up in the House, as it were a popinjay for all to
shoot at. Yet, indeed, he do bear him bravely enough, and some-
times shot back stoutly. Though methinks there be much nowa-
days in the ordering of our Fleet that were well otherwise, whereof,
as the old saw hath it, "least said soonest mended." But, lord,
when I think of Our Office in my time, how we had much ado to lay
hold of four or five hundred thousand pound by the year, and
these in odd moneys scrabbled up anyhow, and for months together
neither cash, nor stores, nor credit, save as we might pledge our
own, and all cheating the King that could, and the poor, honest
seamen coming crying to us for their money, and lying dying
nastily of their wounds and scurvy sores under the Office windows !
And now the ! Office may spend nigh on eleven millions by the year,
and have it too, which is more, as they need, and never a day in
arrear ; and all handsome and the best that money can buy both aboard
the ships and in the Yards and the Office, and the Queen's credit as
good as the biggest merchant's or goldsmith's in the City, or, indeed,
better. And yet for all this I do think our Office be more girded at,
MARCH 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
and cried out upon now-a-days than it used to be in my time, save
only on the head of money, for now all may have their dues, to the
day, from the First Lord down, which is brave, and, as it seems to
me, strange ; only no (rifts that I can hear of, and no commissions,
at li'ast none openly allowed of ; which is worse for them in the
Office ; so, methinks, with money, or without, it do come to much
the same upshot.
But 'tis plain to see that things be not more changed in the matter
of money than in all besides about the ordering of the Fleet. For our
at Deptford. And, methinks, for Captains, our ships now-a-days
with their steam as they call it, and their nice engine work, slicm
need rather such virtuosos as used to meet at Oresham House, like
Silt (.'iiKisToi'imt WREN and SIR WILLIAM PETTY and other rare
mechanique heads of that kidney, than your common tarry-breeched
salt-water Captains like LAWSON and SPBAGOE, ana the rest
that did so maul the Dutch in my time, who, indeed knew but what
belonged to sailing and fight ing their ships, and there an end. Yet I
could^not learn .that the Office had yet clapped hands on uch a
virtuoso kind of Captains, but are still fain to be content with the
old fighting and sailing sort, which amazes me, and I marvel how
they have so changed all else aboard our ships, but yet the officers so
little, and the Office not much, save, as I do rejoice to see, in the
matter of money, that is now to be had for the asking.
And, perhaps, when the Office do come by officers of the right
virtuoso fashion, there will be fewer miscarriages aboard our ships
that be now, methinks, like horses too strong and skittish for tneir
riders. So there may come to be less crying out upon the Office and less
shooting at my Lords, and not so much matter for hot talk, such
as I heard to-night from Members. And I pray it may soon be so,
for of all this fault-finding, I do see but little profit to the UCEEN,
or the State, or the Ships, or the Office.
Much merriment to-night by reason of Mil. SOLICITOR-GENERAL,
that hath gone up and down seeking for a seat this long time past,
and hath now found one, whereof 1 am glad, as methinks he should
be. And he coming to the table to be sworn before the SPEAKER as
is wont, could not find the warrant of his return ; and after much
rummaging in all his pockets, whereof I think never man had more
or fuller, was sore gravelled, till SIB WILLIAM HART DYKE was fain
to go back to the new Members' place under the Gallery, where was his
hat, and did straight find the return therein, and BO MR. SOLICITOR-
GENEKAL did get to take the oaths at last. But, lord! to see how the
House did laugh ! Though, indeed, a.little thing do divert them.
Wednesday. SIR JOHN LTTBBOCK, a great virtuoso and rich, did
move his Bill for the Preserving of Ancient Monuments, such as
British stones, and mounds, and dykes, that have no beauty to com-
mend them, only curious for antiquity, and now grievously made
away with, as indeed I remember many in my time that are now
long since carted off, or ploughed up, or broken for roads, or built
into walls, or other uses. JjBut, lord ! to see how sharp some did speak
against the Bill, that it should strike at property ; and how my Lord
FRANCIS HERVEY, that, methpught, should have been wiser, did
abuse the ancient Britons, that it amazed me to find such heat on
such a matter, only I see your landlords do not like any meddling
with the land for never no monuments, yet the Bill passed by 211 to
103, and referred to a Select Committee, which methinks was
reasonable. And, indeed, I do in most matters see much reason
in -the Members of the House, for all their heats and over-much
talking ; which pleases me, now that wellnigh everything is laid on
their hands.
Thursday. In the Lords' House talk of Cattle Plague, that it
seems do now spread sore, for all the Lords of the Council can do ;
and I am sorry for it.
In the Commons many questions, and little told in the answer-
ing them ; as, indeed, I do see this is great part of the craft of
Ministers now, to answer, and yet say nothing. MR. GRANT DBTF
did inquire again of the Captain that was called back from Central
Asia to please the Muscovites ; but the Secretary for War, as
before, did refuse to say wherefore. And methinks this a matter
the ( Xlice would not have inquired into. So I am sorry they should
be vexed with all this questioning of it.
Much tali over a Valuation Bill that I could not understand, nor
the House either, methought, save some City and Country Gentle-
men, that did talk mighty long and dull, till the Bill was read a
Second Time at nigh one o'clock in the morning, and I asleep.
Friday. I did come to the House to-night expecting to see the
Ministers hoised by a petard from their own camp, one MR. READ,
an honest, plain countryman, that once held an office, but was too
stiff for his place, having a Resolution for the naming of Boards for
County Business, part of Magistrates and part to be chosen by Boards
of Guardians. But the Government, rather than be beaten by_ the
joining of some of their own with most of the other side, was fain to
agree \ to the Bill, and did it handsomely enough, though it was
plain to see the morsel did somewhat stick in some of their gullets.
MASKELYNE AND FEMININE.
N moving, on the second read-
ing of the Bill for the Removal
of the Electoral Disabilities of
Women, that it be read this day
six months, MR. HAN-
BURY may avail him-
self of an addition to
the stock arguments
based on women's
natural disabilities.
It .has already been
urged by the oppo-
nents of feminine
emancipation that
women are unfit to
vote for Members of
Parliament, because,
although ladies are
generally taught
music, there has never
yet arisen a first-rate
female Composer. The
same proof that
Woman is inferior to
Man might be drawn
i roin the f act ' thftt the
world has not yet seen
a woman of any note
to speak of as a female
conjuror. There never arose amongstVomankind a match for ROBERT
HOUDIN, nor any Witch to mate theWizard of the North. Yet every-
body knows how girls are trained up to practise witchery in their own
way. Time was, too, when witches were,believed, not only by dolts
but divines of the period, to ride on broomsticks ; and not long ago
a " medium" suitable to a side-saddle was declared by Spiritualists
to have been transported three miles, and in through closed doors, or
walls, or down a chimney, on to a table. But no such performance
of witchcraft was ever publicly exhibited. At MASKELYNE AND
COOKE'S seances MB. COOKE "floats in the room, taking with him the
cabinet in which he is secured." Whatever may have happened in
days of old, or may now happen in private circles, on the open plat-
form COOKE stands unrivalled, and MASKELYNE has no competitor of
his own gender, still less of the feminine. In public conjuring even
male " mediums " never rise to mediocrity, and those of the other
sex can hardly conjure at all. So the Hon. Member for Tarn worth will
("contend that Women
because they are no
be able, if .ungallant enough, unanswerably to'contend that Women
are unfit to exercise the elective franchise} 1
conjurors.
NEWER THAN NEW.
As the Public, in its thirst for information, is being supplied with
the topics of to-morrow and a digest of the day after, there is no
saying where the journalist will stop in his desire to assuage the
craving of the literary customer, who wants to know what is going
to happen. Mr. Punch proposes therefore the issue of a publica-
tion, to be called
" THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK." (Price 6d.)
The first Number (to be issued as soon as the enormous steam-
presses required for the colossal circulation in prospect have been
erected) will contain leaders on the great anti-IoNATTEFF speech
that LORD BEACONSFIELD is Ipreparing in the House of Lords ; on
Political and Military Reforms in Turkey ; and on MR. CHAPLIN'S
heavy counter, when he gets a chance of giving it to MR. GLADSTONE
in the House of Commons. These will be followed by a sporting leader
on the merits of the winning boat in the Oxford ana Cambridge Race,
with details of the race, and account of the accident sure to come to
Ma. SMASH A WAY'S steam-launch, and the block thus occasioned on'.the
river opposite the Limes at Mortlake. Several pages, under the
heading " On Dira," will contain satirical repartees in contempla-
tion by political Leaders, and witticisms about to be perpetrated
by diners-out, burlesque writers, and popular journalists.
In fact that most attractive of all virtues in literary or artistic
work, the imprfcu, will season everything, and secure, it is con-
fidently anticipated, for the new publication a circulation larger
than the largest circulation in the world, so extensively proclaimed
on the hoardings.
Only Sixpence, and on goes the Donkey into The Middle of Next
Week !
A CONTRADICTION IN (AMERICAN) TERMS. Fog clears np, now
that HAYES settles down.
114
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1877.
LEVELLING TENDENCY OF MODERN DRESS.
<d description) to Verya: ' DON'T YOU THINK IHOSK YOUTHS HAD i
Verger. " TAKE THEIR "ATS OFF! BLESS YOU, SIR, THOSE ARE THE DSAN'S YOUNG LADIES !"
Old Gentleman (shocked beyond description) to Verya: ' DON'T YOU THINK THOSE YOUTHS HAD BKTTKK BE TOLD TO TAKE TBEIII
HATS OFF ? "
THE NEW MESSMATES.
(A Squabble well setlkd.)
" Iron-clad ships differed from the old ships which composed the Navy
in almost every particular. . . . He did mean to assert that not sufficient
money was expended in employing proper Engineer Officers to look after the
machinery of our ships. . . . He contended that the present system of offi-
cering our ships did not reflect the altered condition of the times in which we
were living." MB. SEED in the Debate on Admiralty Administration.
Vulcan.' NEPTUNE, old man, you 're passt. Best relire !
And trust me to blowup our naval fire.
Ask I ; i . i . 1 1 !
Neptune. As well ask PAN. A man will blow
His private pipe, although 'tis cracked.
Vulcan. Oho !
Your boatswain's pipe, old boy, is out of tune
Neptune. Shall a land-lubber my command impugn ?
Vulcan. We want no Argos now I That style of barque
Is as much out of date as Noah's. Ark.
/ build ships now.
Neptune. And sink 'em !
Vulcan. No, not I,
But your old dockyard mates, laid high and dry.
Nay, you may puff, old man, till all is blue,
Iron-clads are too much for them, and you.
Neptune. I 've room for all the pots you choose to sink';
But they make ugly corpses, and I think
You might as well blow up the things yourself,
And not crowd out my Nereids.
Vulcan. There 's the shelf :
Resign your empire to more skilful hand,
And find some other realm for your command.
Neptune. Never ! You 've marred the earth, leave me the.main.
Vulcan. You '11 find, old salt, your stubbornness is vain.
Iron and Steam are uppermost, that 's clear ;
Earth's first lieutenant is the Engineer.
Neptune. No, not first last ! Belay ! Or say we share
Command quite large enough to task the pair t
Vulcan. Well, here's BRITANNIA. Let 's both state our case,
And have it out before her face to face.
Neptune. Aye aye boy Heave ahead
Vulcan (to Britannia). Hem ! Things at sea
Aren't going pleasantly.
Britannia. No, not for me.
Vulcan. Nor won't till with your ships your ratings square :
Old NEP'S boys have till now had lion's share
Of pay, rank, prize-money.
Neptune. Come, stow your noise !
Vulcan. The time has come that I and my brave boys.
Should have our turn. You see his blood has cooled,
Since NELSON'S Hearts of Oak the ocean ruled.
Britannia. My pockets tell me that.
Vulcan. His Naval Nobs
Set my young engineers the stiffest jobs ;
And each new problem, each perplexing riddle,
Leads them a dance, to tune of second fiddle.
Yet NEPTUNE and his Admiralty Masters,
At my and their door lay their late disasters.
' Taint fair ! Prestige, pay, power his fellows hold,
While mine are snubbed and left out in the cold ;
Till in hot water his chaps splash about,
And then mine are called in to get ' em out.
Neptune. At reeling jaw out, short of you I come,
But there 's no need for slack. You know me, Mum.
Britannia. I do, dear NEP, and don't intend to sack
So old and tried a servant.
Neptune (triumphantly). Keep that tack !
Britannia. But NEP, old salt, although you 're brave as blunt,
And love yard-arm to yard-arm, like WARD HUNT,
I
u
o
w
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w o
fe!
o
ft O
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w
w
C/5
H
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w
I
o
s
a
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MARCH 17, 1877.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
Your case, like his, is shaky in the joints,
And Kate, like HKED, will hit the weakest points.
Let VULCAN replate these. Things du look queer
Aboard my ships. We need the Engineer.
Vulcan (triumphantly). Didn't I say so ?
llritannla (pointing to NsrTUttx). Yes as we need him.'
BRITANNIA'S Navy must both fight and swim.
Well manned, well, handled 'twill stand war and
weather ;
For this I want you both to pull together.
So shake hands, NKP, with your new mate ! No sulks !
There 's work for both aboard my iron hulks.
Let future fair make unfair past amends,
And you may vet turn out the best of friends !
[Exeunt NEPTUNE and VULCAN arm-in-arm.
FREE AS AIR; OE, "BRITONS NEVER," &c., &c.
//* Inquiries of a liritish
Official on Leave.
PARIS, Monday
Arrived in this city, and
made up my mind to look
into the monetary matters
of the country. Went to
leave my card at the Minis-
tt-re des Affaires Etrange'res.
On my return to my hotel
found a telegram awaiting
me from the Treasury,
ordering me not on any
account to inquire into
French finance, for fear of
wounding the susceptibili-
ties of the Government of
MARSHAL M \cM.\uox.
BERLIN, Tuesday
(a week later).
Arrived here, with the
intention of informing my-
self as to the organisation,
administration, and work-
ing of the German military
system ; left my card with
COUNT VON MOLTKE. On
mv return to my hotel found a telegram awaiting me from the War-
Office, desiring me on no account to go within five miles of a
German fort, garrison town, or barracks, or to hold any conversation
with a soldier, for fear of irritating the susceptibilities of PRINCE
VON BISMARCK.
VIENNA, Thursday (a week later).
Arrived here and arranged with our second Secretary of Legation
to examine the returns of the local manufactures, which are said to be
rapidly advancing. On my return to my hotel found a telegram
from the Board of Trade, forbidding me to make any inquiries
bearing on Austrian Commerce, in consideration of the natural
jealousy of British enterprise on the 'part of the authorities at
Vienna.
CONSTANTINOPLE Friday (a week later).
Being detained here by stormy weather, thought I might as well
employ myself in finding out what I could about the position of the
(lovernment Loans and the British Bondholder ; walked to our
Embassy to ask the help of one of their dragomans. On my return
to my hotel found a telegram from the Foreign .Office ordering me to
leave Turkish money matters alone.
ALGERIA, Saturday (a week later).
Arrived here, and started to deliver some letters of introduction
likely to forward my object of observing the practical working of
the French system of colonisation. On my return to my hotel found
a telegram from the Colonial Office desiring me to do nothing of the
sort.
ROME, Sunday (a week later).
Arrived here in hopes to improve the opportunity by looking into
the position of affairs between the KINO and the TOPE. Called to
leave card on the new English Cardinal, an old acquaintance. On
my_ return to my hotel, found a rather curt, and anything but dig-
nified, telegram from the Privy Council Office, begging me not to
poke my nose into ecclesiastical questions, which no lay mind was
qualified to understand.
EGYPT, Monday (a week later).
Arrived here, and proposed testing the feeling oi the people
propos of the newly-appointed English officials and our acquisition
of the Suez Canal shares. On my return to my hotel, found a tele-
gram from the India Office, ordering me to be off at once.
NIKOLAIEF, Tuesday, 2 P.M.
Arrived here, and determined to make a few inquiries about the
Russian Fleet.
Tuesday. 2'10 P.M.
Received telegram from the Admiralty and all the other Offices
"Consider yourself under arrest, and come home immediately."
End f my holiday.
PUNCH IN THE POLAE REGIONS.
To an epitome of the preliminary report of the Arctic Committee,
lately transmitted to the First Lord of the Admiralty, the Sanitary
Record appends the observation that
" It will be Been that the whole result of the inquiry may be summed up
tersely in the word* of SURGEON GOLAN, that in any future sledge expedi-
tions if anything has to be left behind, it should be the rum and not the limr-
juice. It was this conviction which led us in the first instance to challenge
the course pursued by CAPTAIN NAKBS in sending the rum and leaving out
the lime-juice, and we can but rejoice, in the interests of the Service, that
this inquiry has resulted in so unanimous and so complete a confirmation of
that view.
It may be said that lime-juice is no more a preventive of curvy
than vaccination of smallpox ; and some may gay this disbelieving
that smallpox is preventible by vaccination. CAPTAIN NARES, how-
ever, is not one oi those fools. He " decided not to send lime-juice
on the sledging parties on account of the difficulty of carrying and
melting it," and would on any future sledge expedition "certainly
so modify the, arrangements as to admit of sending lime-juice." To
be sure, and one obvious way of modifying the arrangements for
that purpose would be to send the lime-juice in combination with
the rum. Add some quantity of sugar. Everybody knows how to
name the liquid which those ingredients would form, and were it to
congeal, what would it then be but iced punch? A compound
universally celebrated as a remedy for " the gout and colic and the
phthisic " would doubtless be found most effectually antiscorbutic.
I >n. COLAN may be quite right in saying that, if anything has to be
left behind by Arctic explorers, it should be the rum and not the
lime-juice ; but by far the preferable, as the more comfortable plan,
would surely be to leave neither behind, but to take both, which
would he easily managed by the simple expedient aforesaid, of
mixing them together. This, if adopted, would have the further
advantage of ensuring the specific for scurvy to be duly swallowed.
Sailors are prone to shirk lime-juice pure and simple, but there is
little fear that JACK would ever decline the acid in union with the
other elements of the mixture abovenamed, if only its alcoholic
portion sufficed him.
HUNT ON HOLES.
IF the First Lord of the Admiralty knew or minded his SHAK-
SPEARE as he ought, he would not perhaps have answered the
allegation that the Vanguard sank because there were holes in her
bulkhead, by the excuse that " they were very small holes." Had
he read, marked, learned, and inwardly digested the divine WIL-
LIAMS, he might have learned that as a little hole will as effectually
do for a man as a great hole, if only the little one is sufficiently
large, so will it serve as effectually to sink a man-of-war. A rapier
thrust had made a little hole in the chest of Mercutio. Let MR.
WARD HUNT perpend JHercutio't answer to his friend Romeo's
suggestion that " the hurt cannot be much " :
" Mercutio. No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door,
but 'tis enough 'twill serve ; ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a
grave man. 1 am peppered, I warrant, for this world."
Our Minister seems to have needed to be taught that the little
bole in a man's side that will let out the life has its counterpart in
the little hole in the side of an ironclad which is big enough to let
in the water, albeit " only a little one." But perhaps he will ever-
more bear this point in mind hereafter in dealing with the appoint-
ment of Officers such as those by whose arrangements, although
they may have been "not absolute idiots," the Vanguard, in
consequence of some of those little holes being left open in her
bulkhead, went to the bottom.
Definition for Diplomats.
TREATY. An International Agreement between two or more
Powers, which each and all of the contracting parties will punc-
tually fulfil, when the time conies for doing so, unless they think
that the safest and most advantageous course to pursue, is to back
out of it, and not otherwise.
DEATH IN THE MILK-PAIL. Le Crime de la Creme.
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1877.
OUR NOVEL SERIES.
ALL IN THE DOWNS.
OR, THE BOTTOMRY BOND!
A NAUTICAL NOVEL, BY
S. PL-MS-LL M.P.
CHAP. V.Tf>e Able-bodied Seamen depart in a Coffin-rigged Vessel,
AND how many handa are aboard the Albert Ross, think you ?
Only nine; and the Captain is but seventeen years old. This^is
economy on the part of
the owners. But, alas!
the Albert Ross will
suffer as other vessels
have suffered, and, as
my friend ME. WH-L-
L-Y, of Peterborough,
would say the Roman
Catholics in England
suffer, from a long
course of Under-Man-
ning. But that is his
joke, not mine ; and he
is earnest about his
work, as I am about
mine. So heave ahead !
and let me pitch the
next line overboard.
The Stevedore held
the policy for 500,000
in his pocket. The
Junior Warden joined
him, and grasped his
hand. They, the Own-
ers, were safe. If only
WILLIAM TAILLETTB,
DON JOSE'S rival in
the affections of MAHY
MAYBTJD, would but
come out of gaol and
embark on board the
Bad Ship Albert Ross !
The Junior Warden
had other matters on
his mind which no less
concerned the Steve-
dore. It was to his, the
Warden's, interest, and
for their joint safety,
that MAEY should be
the Stevedore's bride.
Thus their interests,
like their capital, were
identical.
The moon slowly
rose, and cast a dull
light on the scene.
"We understand one
another ? " asked the
Stevedore of his com-
panion, in a hoarse
whisper.
"Ay, ay! " replied
the other, in the same
tone.
"Whoareonboard?"
;'The Skipper, the
ship's husband, with
the first and second
Mates, the Parser (who pays out), the Scuttler (who looks after the
coals), and the third Mate with five hands."
' A useful person this last."
' Very handy. But we have been one too many for him."
' Is the fate of the ship assured ? "
' Yes, assured as you know insured. The ship is overloaded.
It load-line is painted high up over a false level."
' Who did that ? " asked the Stevedore, anxiously.
' The painter, of course."
1 But he will split," returned the Stevedore.
'The Ship's Painter split!" replied the other, disdainfully.
Not he ! He is overboard by this time ! " and the ruffian laughed
heartily.
Could such a scoundrel be really the father of MAEY MAYBTJD ?
If so, how was it that his name was GBOGHLOSSOM ? * We shall
see.
" I understand " said the Stevedore, darkly frowning. "The
grain will be overpacked ; on the voyage it will swell, it will gra-
dually burst the sacks, distend itself upwards, force the seams of
the boards
"Which are only secured with sham bolts," interposed the
Warden.
"Ay, ay devils all and then the mas^s will go overboard, and
(fie ship, if once filled with water in every part, with all hands must
sink to the bottom."^
" Then she is certain to go to the bottom ? " asked the Warden.
" Sure ! " replied the Stevedore.
"Since that is the
case, you will at once
sign the bond which
binds us together to the
deed, by which you
undertake that the snip
shall go to the bottom
within a certain time."
And so saying he pro-
duced a parchment.
This parchment, with
its seals and Govern-
ment stamps, is called
a "Bottomry Bond."
The drawer of such a
bond undertakes that the
ship in his possession
shall go to Davy Jones's
Locker within a speci-
fied period.
These Bottomry Bonds
are drawn only by the
Wardens of Sink Ports.
It is one of the old
feudal privileges yet
remaining to them. I
trust before long to see
this iniquitous system
abolished.!
"Just so. But
hark ! " and the Junior
Warden lifted up his
hand to arrest the
Stevedore's attention.
A shrill whistle.
The Bo'sen's call to
summon all hands
aboard.
And WILLIAM?
What of him ?
There are other
Devils besides sham
ship's bolts, and these
seemed to mix them-
selves up in the Steve-
dore's affairs, for at
that moment WILLIAM
TAILLETJB, released
from prison, stepped
from the Quay on to the
deck of the Albert Ross.
The word was given
to weigh anchor.
Theanswer, of course,
was that it weighed
exactly a hundred tons.
The reply to this
(from the Captain) was
rude in the extreme.
* We have already asked this question. ED. f Fact. S. P.
J So do we. But surely this isn't the real meaning of a Bottomry Bond ?
We are not Maritime Lawyers, but we certainly think there must be some
error. To this effect we have written to the learned and enthusiastic Author.
En.
Answer from the Learned and Enthusiastic.- Founded on fact. Sounds
all right, I mean it sounds all wrong. Yours, S. P.
{ I wouldn't have believed this statement if I hadn't seen it myself, but
it's a fact for which I can vouch, vide my pamphlet under the head of
Defective Construction. When a ship's timbers are held together by only
plumbago or black-lead pencil bolts, called Devils (for the same reason that a
junior barrister is so termed when he's doing the work of a senior), if she
doesn't go down the very deuce is in it ! S. P., M.P.
MARCH 17, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
119
FROM ONE POINT OF VIEW.
SCENE British Jury Room, All agreed on their Verdict except
Irish Juryman (who holds out}. "An, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTIMT' MEN I uivia MET IN ALL MB LOIFB ! 1 "
So the bad ship Albert Ross left her moorings, and slowly sailed
out of the Harbour.
A boy said to another boy, as she passed along, My eye I
A policeman observed to another policeman, " By Jingo .
The harbour-master sighed heavily, and went in to supper.
A mild, near-sighted gentleman exclaimed, "Dear me!
Two workmen observed to one another, " Darned if they wouldn 1
rather do nothing for forty shillings a week on shore than work
without wages on board that there ship for a month.
Amid such Caseandra-like predictions of woe, the Albert Ross was
steaming out of Newport-Pagnell, with WILLIAM TAILLEUR aboard,
when a lithesome figure, in the costume of a Middy, sprang from tht
pier-head and alighted safely on the vessel.
The Stevedore on shore, with a glass in his wicked eye, alone
recognised the person.
" Perjingos / " exclaimed the Spaniard. " It is MAEY MAYBUD ! '
It was she indeed in disguise.
And it was too late to stop the bad coffin-ship Albert Ross, with
its deadly shrouds and false load-line, on its outward-bound course
to the Bottom of the Deep, Dead Sea.
(To be continued,)
"Keeping Watch o'er the Life of Poor Jack."
THE"! brig No' frame , from Liverpool to Africa, "laden with
coals, gunpowder (very badly stowed), and paraffin^ oil, made a good
deal of water," clearly the wisest coxirse under the circumstances,
and her crew refused to proceed also wisely. *
A member of the Government, in an after-dinner speech, said
that "no idea was likely to enter the head of any responsible
adviser of HER MAJESTY whereby a single button of our sailors'
jackets would be placed in jeopardy from any matters arising out of
the internal administration^ the Turkish Empire."
Comparing these two announcements, JACK will be likely to
exclaim, " Dash my buttons but don't blow me up."
OUT OF KEASON INTO EHYME.
(A Halcham.Bull.)
DEAR CROOM and dear PLIMPTON, all thanks for your letter.
Go on as you 're doing j you couldn't do better.
Just put that schismatical ass in a fix
Who wants to score honours by trumping our tricks.
The half-hearted scoundrel, the mealy-mouthed dog .
Give me a down-righter who goes the whole hog :
I must own some respect for a knock-me-down ranter ;
Trot and gallop I like, but I can't stand a canter !
The notion of standing, while all the rest sit,
Was simply delicious : I thought I should split,
When I heard how you balked him, and bothered, and worried
No wonder, I 'm sure, the poor creature was flurried.
But the row t'other day went a leetle too far :
If you try votes defait there 's a danger you '11 mar
A sweet little plan which were nipped in the bud
If you gave the foe notice, or stirred up my Lud.
At present, you see, I am forced to be dumb :
The Doctors forbid all excitement so mum!
But bide we pur time, and some sunshiny mornjng,
Without giving DALE and his myrmidons warning,
We '11 break in, as they broke fair reprisals, you know -
If they use the jemmy, why not we the crow P
Once in, we 're the masters ; we '11 lead 'em a dance,,
Make each hair stand on end in the wig of PENZANCE.
Good-bye, dear Churchwardens ; we fight for the truth.
Get the fallals in order. Yours ever,
A. TOOTH.
ROYAL RESIDENCE NEW CHRISTENED.
THE QUEEN has invited I'ncle Tom (REV. J. HBNSON) to visit her
Windsor Castle is, in future, to be called Uncle Tom's Cabin.
120
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 17, 1877.
FASHIONS FOR THE KITCHEN.
Cook. "Lou 1 , JANE, I WOULDN'T BE BOTHERED WITH THEM 'TRAINS' EVERY DAT! I
ONLY WEARS MINE ON SlTNDAYS ! "
Jane. "THAT MAY DO FOR YOU, COOK ; BUT FOR MY PART I LIKBS TO BE A LADY WEEK-
DAYS AS WELL AS SUNDAYS ! "
'Igh Figure." This way ! [ They enter the " High Figure."
m. I suppose ? Sweet, or dry ?
BUTCHERS IN AEMS.
SCENE Bond Street. BROWN, Bond Street butcher, discovered teith JONES, Bayswater
butcher. To them enter ROBINSON, Bermondsey butcher.
Robinson. How are you both ? You look down in the mouth.
Brown. We are, and reason good, JONES. Have you seen Punch ! (Producing last week's
number).
Robinson. Look at that ! Bos Americanus f I knowthat " boss " is an American word,
and means " 'ead," and our friend in the air seems to have got it from the bull's 'orns.
Why, gracious ! if it ain't an 'it at us ! A drop of something short, or I shall faint !
Brown. My dear fellow, I cannot be seen going into a common pub. !
Jones. Nor I. The days are passed when our fathers used to frequent public-houses of a
night, and smoke clay pipes, and drink beer.. We have our Clubs. Let us go to mine " The
J'int."
Brown. Or mine the " '
Jones. A bottle of " cham
Robinson. I hear the nobs always drink dry.
Jones. Then dry for me.
Brown, Waiter ! Bottle of dry champagne.
Waiter. Yes, Sir. Perry Jewit or 'Eidzic ?
Jones. Oh, the dearest, I say.
Waiter. Yes, Sir.
Jones. Why give it a name ? What 's the odds of names ! A chap 's safe with the
dearest or should be.
Brown. So one should and with meat, too, as well as drink !
Robinson and Jones. Ha! ha! \_Tliey drink.
Brown. Now, what is to be done about this here American meat ? We must unite ! Eh
JONES?
Jones. Long life to the American meat ! say I. Here 's its jolly good health !
Brown. What, are you mad !
Jones. Ha ! ha 1 Not a bit of it ! My customers is mostly what they call the middling
classes, and doosid middling they are too, some of 'em. Well, they don't like to ask for
cheap stuff, so I lets 'em have it without asking.
Brown and Robinson. Shame !
Jones. Just you wait a bit. MRS. SWEL-
LINGTON comes into the shop and says,
" JONES, I want a nice sirloin of beef, real
Highland beef." "You shall have it,
Mum," says I. " 'Ow muchf" gays she.
"Shilling a pound " says I. "That's
dear ! " says she. " Well, it ain't my fault,
Mum," says I. " I don't make any profit
on it. It 's all along o' the dearness of
coals." Well, she gits her jint, and she
pays me a shilling a pound.
Brown and Robinson. Well ?
Jones. So it is well jolly well con-
siderin' that I was a-selhn' her American
beef all the time and a-chargin' her
English prices. So here 's American beef,
I says!
Robinson. Ditto to JONES, I say. Now
here 's my game : " American meat ?
Lor' bless you," says I, "you won't like
it when you get it ; but, if you will 'ave it,
you must. 'Ere you are, the very best,
nine-pence a pound." And next day back
they comes, and tell me they don't like it,
ana sticks to English, in future, like
Englishmen.
Brown to Robinson. Our friend JONES'S
experience is different from yours, you see.
Robinson. No it ain't. He sells 'em
American beef for English at English prices,
and I sells 'em English beef such as it
is" for American at American prices.
There 's beef and beef ain't there P
English or American.
Brown. All very well for you fellows in
the unaristocratio quarters. I needn't to
come any low game of that sort. I 've only
to say to my customers, " I don't keep it.
Bond Street is not the place for such
things," and they look ashamed of them-
selves for asking about it, and take what I
choose to give them, at my prices. That 's
your style !
Jones. Ah! that's your style ; but it ain't
ours, worse luck.
Robinson. 'Owever, that's neither here
nor there the pint is, how are we to silence
all this nasty cry agin the butchers
Jones. And how to muzzle Punch ?
Apparition of Punch rises.
Apparition. Listen to me. I will tell
you now to do both. You will all have to
sell this American meat, or else reduce
your prices for English. Your customers
are tired of you. You, BROWN, will in
future supply the DUKE OF FIVE STARS
with the meat, he asks for, irrespective of
nationality. You, JONES, will sell American
meat by American names as well as for
American prices. As for you, ROBINSON,
twelve months' hard labour would do you
good, as well as those who supply you.
Reform your practices, and reduce your
prices, or it will be the worse for you."
[Apparition disappears.
Butchers. Worse than reducing prices!
That would be a bad business !
[Exeunt butchers, jointly and severally,
in deep thought.
Faith and Functions.
A LADY'S-MAID WANTED in the Country.
She must dreea hair well and make dresses
well, get up collars and cutrs. Must be a Pro-
testant, and call Mrs. S at half-past 6
o'clock. Wages 20, and 1. Gel. for washing.
Address, &c.
The Advertiser must be related to the
Lady who recorded of MRS. JONES, in her
epitaph, that "she played on the harpsi-
chord, and painted in water-colours ; and
of such is the kingdom of Heaven."
MARCH 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
121
CE QUE FEMME VEUT."
m.
BAH gives us an article on "The Excessive Influence
of Women." Punch offers the Author the following "casus omitti"
of this influence :
MB. HAUGHTY HENPECK was heard to tell his friend FITZ-GEOROE
that the O'MiLLiONS were " snobs," and that he would not set foot
in their house again. MB. HENPECK subsequently had an interview
with his wife, when they accepted an invitation to dine with the
O'MILLIONS on the following Thursday.
MB. JACK GOLIOHTLY was lamenting the folly of those of his
friends who, after marriage, gave up their Club and even their
smoke. Since JACK married Miss TAME-TYGEB he hag neither been
teen in his Club nor with a cigar in his mouth.
MB. WILBERFOBCE FuNKiT said his mother-in-law should never
set foot in the house again. Two days after, his wife's mother
arrived, tied a white glove on the knocker, and put WILBERFOBCE
to sleep in a closet under the stairs.
MB. PATERNOSTER Row said he would publish no more rubbish
written by women. A new three-volume novel by his wife is, how-
ever, on his list of forthcoming works.
ME. CHABLIE HAWKER asserted that the Boat Race was all rot, and
that he would go to it no more. After calling on Miss FLOBBT
BRIGHT WIN he was heard to order a barouche for the morning of the
2-lth inst.
MR. GRINDER GRUMPY, after stating that his wife should
spend no more in frippery this month, inadvertently took a walk
with MRS. G. G. down Regent Street. In half an hour he had
spent thirty shillings on a bonnet, and thirty guineas on a for cloak.
Mr. Punch, who had been reading various new periodicals, was
heard to say that he didn't know what women were coming to in
these days ; but, coming home from an evening party, he went to
bed with visions of many fair forms, and was heard to mutter in his
sleep that the dear creatures were as good and beautiful as ever.
THE PROMOTER OF THE FUTURE.
(An Ideal Idyl.)
After the Judgments in the Lisbon Tramways, and the
Sombrero Phosphate Company.
SCENK The Sanctum of MR. GOLDEN GREATHEART, the eminent
Promoter. Plain office-furniture, with comfortable easy chairs
for Visitors. Near a desk a wooden stool. Tracts, the " Sunday
at Home " and " The Leisure Hour," on a side-table. Portraits
of well-known Philanthropists and views of the Peabody
mansions hanging from the walls. JOHN and MART (Servants)
putting the place to-rights.
John. How good our Master is, MARY ! It is a pleasure to serve
him.
Mary. Indeed it is, JOHS. When I am in his presence I feel
as if I were in church. His refining influence has turned us from
" h "-dropping menials into Gentlemen and Lady Helps.
John. Hush ! he is here !
[Enter MR. GHEATHEAKT, to soft religious music. The Servants
kneel to receive their Master's blessing, and then exeunt.
Mr. Greatheart. How pleasant it is to be so respected and so
loved ! And yet I but obey the law. By the judgments in the
cases of the Lisbon Tramways and the Sombrero Phosphate Com-
pany the relation of Promoter to purchaser of shares is shown to
be the same as that of Solicitor to client, Guardian to ward, and
Spiritual Adviser to penitent ! Happy privilege to advbe men tor
their good, to spend my fleeting wealth for the benefit of my fellow-
creatures ! Ah, Charity virtue of virtues ! how my heart yearns
towards thee! (Enter JOHN.) Well, my good friend, what do you
want with me ?
John. Dear Master, a young gentleman wishes to see you on
business, he says.
Mr. Greatheart. Bid him enter, my good JOHN. All honest men
are welcome here. But,, stay ! The Lunar Exploration Company,
into which I advised you to put your savings, is about to be
wound up.
John (dismayed). Then I shall lose twenty-seven pounds eight
shillings and ninepence-halfpenny !
Mr. Greatheart. Not so! I, as Promoter, have returned the
purchase-money with 5 per cent, interest this last as a bonus. All
the loss will be mine : a trifle some hundred thousand pounds !
Jiihn (struggling with his emotion). My dear, dear Master, how
can I sufficiently show my gratitude F
Mr. Oreatheart. By keeping my conduct a secret. You owe me
no gratitude I do but obey the law. And now show in the visitor.
[Exit Joiix, and re-enter, ushering in ALFRED KNEEDY.
Alfred. 1 trust you will pardon this intrusion, Sir I am but a
poor man.
Mr. Greatheart. And, as such, the more welcome. In this room
many fortunes have been made, and many have been lost (aside,
with a slight sigh) but all my own. (Aloud.) My excellent JOHN,
you can leave us. (JOHN kneels, receives blessing, and exit.) And now,
my friend, what can I do for you ? But first take that easy chair
this wooden stool will do for me. [They seat themselves.
Alfred. Honesty is the best policy, Sir. I will be bold, and
speak my mind. I come to ask you to promote the Patent Potato-
Leaf Gunpowder-Tea Company.
Mr. Greatheart. Do you know, young Sir, that, were I to consent
to your request, I might have to sink in that enterprise the re-
mainder of a fortune already greatly compromised by recent failures ?
Alfred. I said I would be frank , Sir : I do know this.
Mr. Oreatheart. And yet you ask me ! Ah, then, you must have
some good reason for this strange request. Do you know that, as
an invention yet untried, Potato-Leaf Gunpowder-Tea may prove a
failure ?
Alfred. I have carefully considered the risks, and I admit such a
result is not improbable.
Mr. Oreatheart. And yet, knowing all this, you ask me to pro-
mote the venture. Pardon my curiosity, but do you mind telling
me why you urge me thus to risk my all in this perilous venture ?
Alfred. I said I would be frank. I am to be the Manager of the
Company at 1000 a year, payable quarterly in advance. Thus, if
by your aid the Company can be floated, if but for three months, I
shall be in receipt of 250.
Mr. Greatheart. An excellent reason ; and I would consent at
once, had I not a daughter. I must provide for her.
Alfred. Not so, as I will marry her. Ring for her. I know I
shall love her at first sight, and that my affection will be returned.
Mr. Greatheart (opening the door and calling). MART! (Enter
MARY.) This young man wishes to marry you. He says he will
love you that you will love him.
Alfred. I repeat what I said. I do love her already.
Mary (after taking a long look at ALFRED, rests her head upon his
shoulder, and bursts into tears). My own at last ! I see you now for
the first time, and yet I murmur, once again my own at last !
Mr. Greatheart (who has written out a cheque for 200,000).
Bless you, my children! (Touches bell. Enter JOHN.) Take this
cheque to the Bank of England, and with it open the account of
the Potato-Leaf Gunpowder-Tea Company, promoted by (JOLDKN
GKEATHEART Directorate to be shortly advertised. (Jomr kneelt,
receives blessing, and exit.) And now, ALFRED, in your hands rest*
so much of my future, and all of my child's. But whatever comes
of our joint ventures, I trust still to retain those proudest titles that
a man can hold of Disinterested Promoter and Munificent Million-
naire:
Tableau, soft religious music, and Curtain.
Anagram.
(On a famous but delicate-throated Sitigrr.)
THE audience in rapt impatience sits ;
Comes an excuse, and disappointment hisses.
Strange that " SIMS REEVES, whose singing ever hits,
By a mere shift of letters, " ever misses.
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
CSDAY, March 12. My LOHD CHANCELLOR (reports the pertinacious Ghost of PEPYS),
mighty busy with my Lords mending two holes in the Law relating to Land, which it
do amaze me should have been left unmended so long. One, that if I die and leave
my land to one son and my money to another, and the land be under mortgage, he
that hath the land may take his brother's money to pay off his mortgage, which
law one may clearly see to have been made by those that had the land ; and the
other, that if one leave me an estate for life (which I would any had done, but
none ever did, only handsome gifts, thank Heaven, in money, and plate, and
jewels) with remainder to him of my cousin ROGER'S sons who should first reach
twenty-one, and I had died before any of ROGER'S sons came to that age as
indeed none ever did live to manhood then the remainder, as the lawyers do call it,
would be void, and the land go to the heir-at-law, against the intent and wish alike of
the testator, and me, and ROGER, that had all meant to keep the land in one line ;
which now is to be changed, and methinks should be.
My LORD DORCHESTER did very briskly question my LORD DERBY again to-night of that travelling Captain that the Foreign Office
and the War Office between them had back with a oesserara from Khiva the other day, to please the Muscovite as all do say and think,
though my LORD DERBY will not have it so, but do now talk grave of the dangers to the Captain from the Tartars, and how he should
perchance be taken for an agent of our Government. But methinks it had been sufficient for our Government to deny this, without
calling this stout Captain home, that had gone so fa* and at such cost of money and sore bones. And now I do hear that the same
Captain hath ridden through Asia Minor, as far as the city of Erzeroum, where the Muscovite do border on the Turk. And I do wonder
if the Turk also will have him back thence ; and if our Offices will bid him home, to please the Turk, as they did to please the] Muscovite.
But I hope not ; for methinks an English Captain should be at no prince's bidding but his own, and would not have been in OLIVER'S
time. But I fear English stomachs are not so high now as then, which veies me.
In the Commom, before the First Lord Commissioner was let to move his Estimates, was much scrambling talk of naval businesses
how my Lords had not gone wisely to work for the raising of the Vanguard, though, indeed, I doubt if there were any wisdom better than
leaving her where she lies; and one PETER TAYLOR, a man of mighty soft heart and as many do say soft head (as, indeed, your Englishman
is apt to confound soft heart with soft head), did complain that the punishments aboard each ship of our Navy be no longer set out
as fully as they were wont to be ; and grumblings touching the Pay and Pensions of Warrant Officers, and the weak boilers put
aboard ship (but, lord ! to think that ships have come to need boilers other than those used for cooking of the men's beef !) and the
Anchors and Cables that be used in the Navy, how these are the worst instead of the best, and I know not what matters besides, till
I at length did think myself back in Our Office in Seething Lane, with MR. COVENTRY and the two SIR WILLIAMS wrangling over our
ships and stores and the Yards and the accounts, and no more good like to come of it now, methinks, than did then.
But, at last, MR. WABD HUNT, to his Estimates, and do ask boldly for close on Eleven Millions Lord help us ! and do give a brave
account of the Yards and the Ships that be built and building and to be built, in all nigh on one hundred thousand tons betwixt wood and
MARCH 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
123
FROM THE COW!"
THIN snow ME THE MARKS OK BIS ARM !
HE HAS THE MASKS,
DIRECT
Local Inspector. " Off, HE HAS BMN VACCINATED, YOU BAY !
I SDPPOSB t"
Mother. "On, THAT HB HRV, SIR! EOT NOT (driven into a corner) IT WAS THIS WAY, YOU SEE, SIB I KAKMIK AKBRS'S Cow
SHK RUNNKD AFTER THE CHILDREN, AN' KETCHES MY LITTLE BOY, AND TOR88BD HIM RIGHT OVER THE HtDGB I BUT THE M*HKS "
[Local Inspector loses his temper.
iron, that I could but wish that COMMISSIONER ;PETT might have
been there to hear him, that would brag so much of his great doings
at Deptford, and now what a peddling place it do seem. Only
COMMISSIONER PETT, I doubt not, would have given a good account
of such pestilent fellows as MB. REED and SIR JOHN HAY, and,
above all, one BENTINCK, a loosely-hung homely-faced gentleman,
that they in the House do call Big Ben after the great bell in the
Parliament Clock Tower, for his bigness and his hollow sounding,
and all the others that do carp and pick at Our Office, and all that
is done therein, till it is a pity to see my Lords so baited, with or
without reason.
Also MB. HUNT do promise mightv handsome both as to boys
that they will train for sailors for the Fleet (a new thing since my
day, when we were fain to take such as we could get. and bad
bargains, many of them, poor rogues, but fared hard enough,
had they been twice as scurvy) and torpedoes, which be a kind of
sea-petard, to blow ships up under water, and I would fain have
the chance to see and study them, and do intend it if I can, for,
indeed, like most things in our ships nowadays, these engines be
quite out of my compass.
But I was glad to hear that two of the PRINCE OF WALK'S young
sons be to go aboard the Britannia for their teaching of what belongs
to a sailor, and I do hope England will never lack her brace or
so of princes bred to the sea, though I must needs own they that
be good at ships be not always good at reigning, as witness His
Majesty JAMES THE SECOND, that was a good Prince to the Navy,
and made much of me, I thank him, and was indeed sitting for
his portrait to SIR GODFREY KNILLER with intent to give it me,
when he did first hear of the coming over of the PRINCE OF OBANGB,
and would needs have out the sitting for my sake ; and I, thinking of
all this, did lose some of the fag-end of to-night's talk, but methinks
had enough. And indeed nothing can be done, it semi, nowadays,
without more talk than needful. So no loss for me or any man to
miss some now and then.
Tuttday (Zorrf). My LORD DERBY did promise my LORD GRAN-
VILLE news shortly of dealings with the Muscovite on the Eastern
Question, that he do hope soon to -bring to some likely end. But,
for my part, I do rather hope so than Rxpeet it, for that I do think it
a matter past words to bring to a good issue, and my Lords will v-i vc
only words to it and no more, and them but half-hearted ones.
Afterwards my LORD DUXE OF RICHMOND did bring' in \ Bill
for amending of the Law touching Burials ; wherein the^Puritans,
that be as stiif-necked now as they were in my time, do complain
sore that they may not be buried in the parish ground with services
of their own, but_ must have the Parson read that of the Church of
England over their graves, willy-nilly, which vexes the living, if not
the dead. But methinks 'tis strange your Churchman and Puritan
should be so by the ears about the manner of putting away their
poor quiet dead bodies, that methinks have. most of them had; more
than enough of clapper-clawing in their lifetimes ; but so it is, and
now the Duke's Bill, I do fear, will do little to help matters to a
settlement of this foolish quarrel. Only it do empower parishes
to make new grounds, wherein bodies may be buried with such
orderly services as to their friends may seem fit ; but yet in parish
grounds there may be no burying but either with the service of the
Church of England or no service at all : which methinks will never
satisfy the Dissenters, as they do now call Puritans. And indeed as
I left them and the Church at loggerheads in my time' so I find
them now, and no chance, that I can learn, of a peace
In the Comment to-night a strange matter. One CHAMBERLAIN,
a Member for Birmingham, and a brisk boy, and stout speaker,
that looked as he did both believe in himself, and what he was
saying, so that I marvelled not he 'was well listened to, spoke
long and plausibly for a plan to enable Corporations, if they would,
to buy up the pot-houses in their boroughs, and put their owri
servants into them, and become sole purveyors of drinks to their
borough-folk. And this he did say had been done, with good
effect in lessening the foul vice 'of 'drunkenness in Gottenburg,
and I hear your Swede be as potent in potting as your English-
man. But to see how others did straight jump up and deny all he
124
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1877.
said, and bring figures to show that the potting in Gottenburg was
worse than ever since this plan was tried, and how 'twould be
surely putting a great and evil power in the hands of Corporations,
and now the more folk drank it would needs be the better for them
in their new business of sellers of drink. And indeed methinks
it needs must be so, so that I wondered how SIR WILFRID LAWSON,
that would have two-thirds of them that pay rates empowered to
shut public-houses, should vote for this Bill, that would enable a
bare majority of them that make rates to open them. But indeed
SIR WILKIUD is more witty than wise ; and so the House did seem
to think, and did throw out the Bill by 103 to 51.
Then one BIGGAR, an Irishman, that spoke with a harsh voice and
a great brogue, getting up, all the House did walk out ; and
so all at an end T>y nine o clock, and I glad to get away, and
the House methinks. And I do see now the use of such Members
as this BIGGAR, that when they rise to speak, the House may
straight rise to go, and with good cause. And, above all, I am glad
for MR. SPEAKER, that must needs listen to so much idle talking,
and may not go till the House rises ; and I admire how patiently
he do bear it, and keep a brave countenance.
We&nftday. A Bill by one SIK ROBERT ANSTRUTHEB, for ham-
pering, if it may be, the sale of Intoxicating Drinks in Scotland ; but
methinks the Scotch do hold too much to their "usquebagh," as
they call it, to be keen for any stoppage of the traffic therein. And
indeed it is a mighty comfortable liquor, above all when drunk hot
with sugar, as I have drunk it aboard one of our men-of-war, the
Lion, that I was aboard of off the Brill when we brought the King
over, which had a Scotch Captain that loved it, and would have me
pledge him in a brimming bowl of usquebagh punch, which he called
toddy, with right Jamaica limes. .So I do not marvel that SIR
ROBERT had but poor help to-night to the hindering of the sale of
strong drinks in Scotland, but did lose his Bill by 253 to 90.
Thiirsday. Nothing to note of my Lords.
In the Commons was another night of asking for money Supply, as
they do still call it, and so they used in our time, only now the House
do supply all it is asked for, and then it did not, but both the King
and the Officers had to catch at the coin as they could, one against
the other, and oft neither could catch any. Only now, though the
House do give all that is asked for, Members must needs talk first,
and so they have what they call their " grievances " for pegs to hang
their talk on ; but, lord ! when I do think of my time, and the
grievances that were indeed grievances then, and not a word
breathed of them in or out of the House, it do seem strange to me.
So to-night they did talk ever so long of marvellous pitiful
matters, as the slitting of a widow woman's dog's throat by an Irish
Magistrate, and the widening of a road, and the employing of six
soldiers last year to cut a piece of standing corn, and the pranks of
the schoolboys a-training for the Navy aboard the Britannia, and I
know not what other silly stuff, that I wondered at it. And when
it came to voting of the money I did again wonder at some that
methought should have known better, that were for cutting down
the wages of them that do serve the State in our black settlements
on the Guinea shore, where white men do indeed live so miser-
ably that methinks they need scarce grieve to die quickly, yet
must needs make provision for them they leave behind them. And
I wonder how ME. GEORGE TREVELYAN and SIR CHARLES DILKE, and
the rest of the lusty young fellows that were so brisk for cutting
down such salaries to-night, would like the same lopping and top-
ping if it had been their part to receive the wages instead of award-
ing them.
1 did marvel too at the grumbling about the choice of young
fellows from the Foreign Office to go with my LOED MAEQUIS OF
SALISBURY to Turkey, that they should be those that knew least of
the Turk and his matters. As if great Lords that go on missions of
State, or they that have the naming of the young gallants to go
with them, are used to choose according to men's knowledge of the
matters to be taken in hand ! And indeed it do vex me to hear such
simple talk, and from some that should be wiser.
Friday (Lords). My LOED CHANCELLOR hath a Bill for a man to
make himself bankrupt, if need be, and so to have his substance
1 airly carved among his creditors, which methinks is but reason;
but my LORD HATHERLEY likes it not, as thinking that the Lawyers
should have the first picking in such cases, as the Doctors do not
love that a man should go out of the world without them.
(Commons.) The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER do assure my
LORD HARTINGTON that the Government do indeed hope they are in
a way to clap up a paper bridge for the Muscovite to go back over.
But 1 admire that a few words cunningly drawn into a protocol
should save us from what all did fear would be the biggest and
bloodiest war of this time. And so I find do most ; only for the
moment such a protocol 'tis thought may serve the turn. And so all
glad ot it, but most, the most shallow- witted.
Ihen much talk of the Irish school children, how they may not
be driven to school, yet will go of themselves three days out of five
and will learn more in that time than your duller English children
in two days out of three.
Much debate but to little end of what should be done when Slaves
do seek shelter aboard our Ships in Eastern waters. But I do
plainly see that Sis GEORGE CAMPBELL, that did raise the matter, do
weary the House with too much and too often talking. Yet as he
is a man that hath had weighty charge in India, so I doubt not
tie do look on talk as the business to be done in this House. As,
indeed I find many do.
One WHALLEY, the same that is wont to fall foul of the POPE on
all occasions perhaps, as being sent to the House from Peterborough,
for which borough of . Peter, indeed, the POPE do claim to be sole
Member did talk to-night of the other matter that do set his wits
wool-gathering, which is ARTHUR ORTON, a fat knave now in
prison, that did take the name of SIR ROGEE TICHBOENE, and, after
i mighty tedious trial, was clapped in gaol for it, where he still
lies'; and now this WHALLEY will still have him to be TICHBOENE,
but can bring none in the House to the same mind, save one
OSBORNE a lack-brain like himself, and doth lug the matter in by
head and ears whenever he can, and did to-night, to the wearying
of the House, and MR. SECRETARY CROSS, that did very hardly make
shift to answer this WHALLEY civilly ; and I do see Peterborough
is more proud to have a Member with a mind of his own, than
careful what fashion of mind it be.
OUR ESTABLISHED DISSENTERS.
r
T is said that some of the Noncon-
formists within the Established
Church have at last determined
to do the right thing secede, and
form a dissenting sect, entitled to do
as they please in their own conventi-
cles. The Whitehall Review
announces that a section of
High Church and Ritualist
members of the Church of
England contemplate the
foundation of "a new An-
glican Communion." They
have resolved upon this step
"in consequence of the ac-
tion taken by Anglican
prelates under the Public
Worship Regulation Act."
Accordingly, they intend to;
have an episcopate of their
own. "In the first placed
brand-new Archbishop, with'
a very ancient title, is to be
consecrated by one or more
foreign prelates." The re-
mainder of the Bench is to:
consist of " two Suffragans, each with titles from old English sees ; "
and the new Anglican Communion to be started next July. In the:
meanwhile :
"The difficulty attendant on the consecration of the Archbishop and his
Suffragans (as far as regards any interference with existing jurisdictions,
whether Popish or others,) will be surmounted by the ingenious plan of con-
secrating them upon the high seas."
The last statement suggests a suspicion that the preceding news is
too good to be true. How can interference with existing episcopal
jurisdictions be avoided by the consecration of Bishops on the high
seas, if the Bishops are so consecrated for the purpose, nevertheless,
of wielding opposition crosiers in the sees ashore ? The occupants of
those land sees would account the maritime intruders no pre-
lates, but mere poachers on their manors. Obviously, a consecra-
tion performed for an evasive purpose, although on board ship,
would be anything but an above-board proceeding. It would be
out of place and unsuitable even as a qualification for preaching to
the fishes, which could be done as well without as with it by any-
body, lay or cleric. And then the flat-fish would hardly come up to
hear a preacher of Ritualism, and the ocean does not contain
gudgeons. Altogether this idea of consecrating High Bishops on]
the high seas appears to be a far-fetched derivation from the maxim;
that he "who drives fat oxen should himself be fat." It is not a]
thing to be spoken of to the sailors, but awakes the suspicion thatj
the whole statement in connection with it is no better than a story
fit only to be related to the other arm of Her Majesty's Sea Service.
May it, nevertheless, turn out to be authentic ; for, if the Ritualists
will only retire to their own Ebenezers, the National Churchmen
will readily agree to differ with them as their Dissenting Brethren.
INDIAN RELIEFS. AI.SOPP, " Simkin," and BASS.
MARCH 2-1, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
125
A SENSIBLE DIFFERENCE.
" He thought the Bill. a
amended, would be acceptable at
once to the Clergy and members
of the Church of England gene-
rally, and aUo to the great majority
of our sensible Dissenting bre-
thren." The ABCHIIISIIOI* OF
CANTEUIIVHY on lite DUKE OF
Jin HMOND'S Jiurials Sill.
TAIT thinks the Duke's Bill
will the Church content,
And satisfied leave sensible
Dissent.
But might one ask our mild
mellifluous Mentor
How he'd define a "sensible
Dissenter " '(
There is a figure of sophistic
art
That in dogmatic strife plays
foremost part ;
Petitio principii is its name,
No tte too high its help at
need to claim.
If "sensible Dissenters" ex-
clude all
But those who 're thankful for
Church mercies small,
It folio ws small Church mercies
must content
All 'who are sensible in their Dissent.
From CANTUAR.'S lips was ne'er of Churchmen heard
The same invidious, qualifying word.
But then in CANTUAR. it were reprehensible
To hint that Churchmen could be aught but sensible !
THE GOTHAMBUBa SYSTEM; OR, NOW AND THEN.
(By a Wise Man of Gotham.)
Now.
SCENE Lushington Street. BROWN meets JONES.
Brmon. Well met, old man ! I am rejoiced to see you again. It
is my birthday my twentieth !
Jones. Many happy returns, my dear boy ! And well, what are
you going to stand i
Brown. Whatever you like. Here 's the " Green Dragon " !
[They enter the " Green Dragon, and drink.
Brown. And how 's the world treating you ?
Jones. First-rate. My uncle has just departed this life, and left
me well, a nice little sum.
Brown. Bravo ! We must have a drink on it. Here 's the
" Blue Boar." [ They enter the " Blue Boar," and drink.
Jones. The " Blue Boar" tap is not half so good as " The Rose."
Brown. Isn't it ? Well, let us try.
[They enter the " Rose " and drink.
Brown. Yes, the " Rose " does sell the real stuff ! But what an
ugly party behind the bar ! I like a pretty girl. Come into the
" Red Lion," and see POLLY.
[They enter the " Sed Lion," and drink.
Jones. Bah I Whatsh 1 mean, what is the use of pretty girls ?
Give me a man who querks me sively serves me quickly. They
have barmen here at the " Swan," and topping tipple. Come along
Swan ! [They enter the " Swan," and drink.
Brown. Call them quick, (hie) look shlow ash poshible. Loo
ere try " Mitre." [They enter the " Mitre," and drink.
Jones. Dooshid nishe street (hie) thish. No walking far from
one hold up what wash I shayingP Oh ah no walking far
from one public-house to another.
lirown. Quiright, too. Awful ass (hie) WILFRID LAWSHON I
Jones. Hear, hear ! Letsh (Aic) have drink !
[They enter various other public-houses, and finally pass the
night at the police-station nearest to Lushington Street.
Turn
Water Street. JONES meets BROWN.
Brown. Ah, JONES! I beg leave to congratulate yon. I have
just heard it is your birthday.
Jones. Oh. thank you very much. Yes, I am forty to-day.
Brown. You do not look it. And how are you going to celebrate
the day ?
Jones. I don't exactly know. But a visit to the Tower or to the
British Museum seems about the pleasantest as well as most rational
employment of such an anniversary.
Brown. You are right quite right. But was it not our custom
of old to have a drink on such occasions ?
Jones. In days gone by. And I confess. BROWN, I have yet a
touch of the old Adam about me. We will drink.
Brown. Let me see, the " Green Dragon " is shut up.
Junes. And so is the " Blue Boar."
Bnnrn. And your old favourite the " Rose " has disappeared.
Janes. And the " Red Lion," where your pretty friend POLLY
was, is turned into a Temperance Hotel,
Brown. And the " Swan " is an eating-house, at which they will
not allow intoxicating liquor on the premises.
Jones. It is the same with the " Mitre." ^yhere can we drink 'f
lirown. I have it. At the ," Chamberlain Arms." It is the
nearest bar, only a mile and a half away. Let us hasten thither.
At the " Chamberlain Arms."
Jones. Well, give it a name.
Landlord. Good day, Gentlemen. You are waiting to be served 'f
Brown. Yes, It is my birthday. We must have a drink.
Landlord. The less the better, Sir. You remember how drink
used to be the curse of this country. It was fearful. Yet there has
only been one conviction for drunkenness in England during the last
two years. That was the famous Liverpool case of beastly intoxica-
tion.
Jones. The man was let off, wasn't he ?
Brown. Yes with penal servitude for five years. It was his first
offence.
Jones. Well, what shall we have P
Landlord. Allow me to recommend our sparkling mineral waters.
Ever since SIB WILFRID pst! I mean the Dims OF DRINKWATER,
SIR_ W. L. as was, discovered those natural champagne mineral
springs on his estate, we have sold nothing else.
Brown and Jones. So be it !
[ They drink two quarts of mineral waters and retire happy, one
to the British Museum and the other to the bosom of his
family, deeply thankful for the incalculable benefit conferred
on the country by the labours of one mighty mind, and the
blessings of an infallible system.
FROM SPELLING TO GRAMMAR.
MEASTER PUNCH,
I ZEE the Lundnn Skool Boord Wensday last wake refurd
Spellun Refarm to a Zelect Cnmmitty. Werry wel, but wot.'s the
good o dooun things be haaves ? Wot 's wanted isn't not onlee Spellun
Refarm I /ays, but also Grammer Refarm.
Wot I manes by Grammer Refarm you can zee I dare zay pnrty
wel by the waay how I rites. "Tis Grammer Refarm o' the same sart
as Spellun Refarm, wun Refarm to match the other. Alter the
Grammer as wel as the Spellun to wot the oommun peepul talks.
Meak ut a rool to zay and rite "this here" and "that air," and
" no" arter "not" and " never :" as'fur exampul, " I han't got no
sense," "I newer had no eddicasnun," and zo on. I haint no scollard
mezelf , but I be told by them that be as how boath the dubble nega-
tive and the tuther vernacler idjum as they calls un is Grammer in
zum vorren languidges anshunt and moddurn. Wnnt insted o' will
not and be insted of am is other pints of Grammer Refarm amung
menny moor as I cood menshnn, but not fur to meak too long a storee
on't and teak up a mutch o' yure valliable room, I wnnt say no
moor at preznnt, ixcept as how that I be, Zur,
Yure Rooral Reader, DiinruL DUMPER.
Poscrip. My respecks to the Lundun Skoolboord, and if so be as
how they likes to take pattern from the abuv spassymunt o Grammer
and Spellun Refarm together, they be quite welcum to, 't.
A Cymric Challenge.
MR. PUNCH,
As a descendant of the "barbarous, uncivilised, and
wretched Britons," I do hereby challenge, through your columns,
LORD FRANCIS HERVEY to deadly combat. As I am desirous we
should not be disturbed in our duel d outrance, I will give him the
choice of : Place the Devil's Bridge, Pass of Llanberis, MoelJShiabpd,
or the topmost peak of Snowdon. Time five or six in the morning
of 'the first of April. Weapons bow and arrows, broad-axe, skene-
dhu, or bandy stones.
An indignant Cymneg,
MORGAN AP OwAnr AP ITHEL AP RHODRIC MAWB.
PROOF OF THE INTEGRITY OF THE LAW. The Return of the
Lent Assizes.
126
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1877.
THE DOG OF THE PERIOD.
" I SAT, BILL ! "SLOWED IF SHE AIN'T A' BEEN A-BOYING OF HER DAWGS BY THE YARD ! '
"PONS ASINORUM!"
" A collective agreement of the Powers to deliberate on some hypothetical
necessities of action iu some hypothetical future, would be so powerless a
document that the mere demand for it would be inexplicable, if we did not
suppose Russia to be extremely anxious to procure an honourable means of
retreat." The Times.
WILL the bridge bear the Bear P In slow retreat
Uraus essays the pass with cautious feet,
Tentative, if not timid. Paper offers
But flimsy foothold, and some ribald scoffers
May smile to see the ponderous plantigrade
Foot-feeling o'er a protocol. Afraid r 1
Oh, not at all, but well, beyond that " but,"
Though eyes may open, mouths had best be shut.
'Tis they laugh longest who laugh last. Perhaps
The grin distending diplomatic chaps
May soon change sides. 'Tis wise in Bear to tarry,
And, careful, test what weight the bridge will carry,
Across whose paper span and slippery track
The Bear ere long may have to travel back.
Time will show of the " Asses" who's the Ass.
Exit from a political impasse,
On a permissive protocol, may prove
In Bear's long game not quite the final move.
This new retreat from Moscow, or at least
From Moscow's manifesto, irks the beast,
"With Slavs left in the cold, armed legions idle,
And Turk unchecked, save by a paper bridle
Of futile lecturing and wordy warning,
Which even Turks have sense enough for scorning.
As " action commune " gives dissatisfaction,
Suppose, instead, we try common inaction
Faineant policy on old safe lines
Lecturing sans " ulterior designs."
We '11 lift a fie-fie finger ! But " insist " ?
Where is the bold bad Power dares shake a fist
That hints coercion ? " Padishah, we trust
You '11 sin no more, but if you will, you must.
We 're all at one as far as wishes go ;
And really you should mend your ways, you know.
For doing which there 's nought like good intentions
With which do pave, and no more interventions."
This protocolled, let diplomats look wise,
Bull graze at peace, and Bear demobilise :
Devices to do nothing with an air
Of busy self-importance are not rare,
But this political Round Robin beats
All diplomatic record. Bear retreats ;
Lion nor Eagles dare advance ; and lo !
The Happy Family in statu quo !
Et apres f Ah, that question, long revolved,
Crossing this Asses' Bridge leaves still unsolved.
CONTRABANDISTS AND COMMONS.
THE Morning Advertiser mentions that a deputation one day last
week waited on the HOME SECRETARY, with a view to get the London
and South- Western Railway Company restrained from committing
an encroachment which they design on Barnes Common. Our
neighbouring contemporary adds that ME. CROSS promised to see
the Company's Solicitor, with a view to do all that could be done
for the preservation of that open space for the public use by its
rescue from those despoilers. Of course he will have no difficulty in
keeping Barnes Common from the clutches of the Philistines, unless
they have already contrived covertly to whip up a majority for the Act
of Parliament delivering it into their hands. If, unfortunately, that
is so, it is to be hoped that Government will put all possible pressure
on them to arrest their ravage. In the meanwhile, we rejoice to
see that an attempt of the London and Brighton to appropriate one
of the prettiest bits of Mitcham Common has been defeated. The
Society for the Preservation of Commons and Open Spaces, with a
view to impede the progress of Railway, and all other aggression
on common land, should organise a Parliamentary Preventive
Service to block the attempts, still made from time to time, to
get Private Enclosure Bills smuggled through the House of
Commons.
O
td
a
MARCH 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
129
THE UNIVERSITY BOAT RACE, 1877.
TIIKIIK is no greater proof of suc-
cess than the envy created in the
liiip.mii of rivals. Punch has been
accused of being behind the age ; so
he ia, in the same sense that he is be-
hind the scenes. He knows
the effects in preparation,
and the actors about to
come on, before the spec-
tators in stalls or boxes,
pit or gallery.
E.g. Mr. Punch sent
his reporter overnight to
Putney on Friday next
(the Eve of St. Clasper),
with full powers to report
the coming race, and a
blank cheque to pay his
expenses at the Star and
Garter.
Mr. Punch, ever mind-
ful of his young friends
the members of the rival Universities, forwarded for their ac-
ceptance, with bis compliments, several feathers, both high and
low, for Cambridge, and some india-rubber tubs for Oxford ; all of
which were received with cheers on the arrival of the reporter, who
lost no time in dipping his beak into the flowing cups in which the
rival Crews were drinking each other's healths, in the vain
attempt of each to gruel the other before the race. The report
of the Saturday's race reached the Punch Office early on the
present Wednesday, thus proving satisfactorily to all interested
that Punch is rather before than behind the times, as certain
ribalds do vainly assert.
Saturday, March 24. The University Boat-Race was rowed this
morning " on the slack " (whatever that may be it may be wire, it
may be rope, for all I know), at five A.M., before a sprinkling of
spectators who could see nothing, owing to the fact that the sun had
not risen, and under a sprinkling of spring rain that kept coming down
at thirty-six to the minute. The water was very " poor," we were
told, though judging by its thick and seemingly pea-soupy consist-
ence, we should have imagined it rather the reverse.
As the Limes light was turned on, both Crews lit up the cheerful
cigarette, which, once kindled, was to light the way of the gallant
coxswains to the winning-post. Gradually the boats were launched,
and both paddled gently to their moorings, far out into the night, or
rather early morning. Nothing was audible but the regular plash
of the paddles and the half-suppressed objurgations of strokes and
coxswains. The Umpire's boat not having arrived, your Reporter
and Artist were called upon to man the only wherry on the loose.
As the painter was cast overboard by some of the bystanders, I
had to trim the boat by myself as well as 1 could, though slightly
unmanned by the sudden double demand upon me, and the pushing
out into the blackness and the brine. (By the way, is the Thames
salt at Putney ? I appeal to those who may have gone through the
tasting process in this portion of the stream.)
At the word " Go ! " I heard the painters suddenly cast adrift, as
mine had been, and then, as one after another of the competing
sixteen dropped his oar heavily into the water, I felt that this would
indeed be a struggle for supremacy between the rival Alma; Matres.
From the glance 1 had had at the crew stripped for their prelimi-
nary tubbings, I knew they were in hard condition every ounce
of convertible flesh consolidated into muscle, though it might be fresh-
water muscle, which is acknowledged to be inferior to the salt-water
variety. As we neared the Oil Works, my fine ear told me that in
the Cambridge boat the crew were backing up their captain at
thirty-six strokes to the minute straight from the shoulder, 'while
in the Oxford craft the lively and irregular splashing spoke volumes
(of Thames water) in favour of the high feather of the crew, and
the general liveliness of the ship from stem to stern. The sparks
from sixteen cigarettes flashed along the water like fireflies over the
Maremma, while an occasional rocket from the rival coaches, which
dashed along the towing-path as fast as four horses could carry
them, gave a romantic aspect to a scene which only required gas-
light to be a magnificent display of that combination of aquatics
and athletics to which the best minds and bodies of our University
youth are so perseveringly directed. By particular request of the
coxswains I make known my whereabouts from time to time by
whistling the favourite air. " The Same Old Game" as I dashed
a-head, taking the water first of one and then of the other crew,
much to the satisfaction of both, for they were already shipping
more of the Thames fluid than was agreeable with the thermometer
at freezing-point, and the sun not up yet. Neck and neck, the
eights of Oxford and Cambridge flashed by the Aits of Thames,
taking, however, care, as they shot past Hurlingham, not to kill
any of yesterday's wounded, as not being members of that distin-
guished club. By this time, could one see it, the elegant bridge of
Barnes ought to be looming in the distance. (I do not know what
" looming ' is, and should be glad of private information.)
Here a check was given (I did not wonder ; for to judge by their
state of perspiration, our athletes must have dropped several pounds
since the start), owing to a spin which both boats took in the middle
of the river, till this was put a stop to by the combined efforts of
strokes and coxswains ; but, as there was not a soul on the towing-
path, no notice was taken of the cnntrrtvmps. I was amusing
myself by half-feathering under the water, when I was suddenly
aware of the first streaks of dawn; and as I hoisted the Royal
Standard, and loaded the " Come in gun, I could hear, not far be-
hind me, though 1 dared not turn my nead to watch, the exciting
struggle which my eye, hand, and shot were so soon to decide and to
record.
In the Oxford Boat, No. G had by this evidently finished bis share
of tile race altogether ; and was watching at his ease the struggles
of his comrades. No. -J was sliding too rapidly, but this might nave
been caused by the accumulation of ice on his seat, owing to the
early start with the thermometer below the freezing-point, and
could scarcely have boon prevented.
In the Cambridge Boat No. 3 had got BO well forward over his
toes that he could not get back at all, greatly to the inconvenience
of No. 2, whom he might be said to reduce to comparative inaction.
Never at a loss, the Cambridge coxswain, taking the yoke-lines
between his teeth, suddenly brought all his strength to bear in aid
of his almost exhausted stroke, and lifting the boat as they passed the
distance post at the entrance of the last reach, got close to the rails,
and, teeth clenched and hands down, passed the Oxford coxswain,
who had to try all ho knew to keep alongside, much less gain on
his opponent.
The free style in which both the Crews laid out at this late
stage of the struggle was a proof they had not been spending their
strength and money recklessly during their Thames practice.
As Cambridge rounded the bend of Mortlake Reach, the Oxford
stroke spurted like a whale in his flurry till the white water
flashed high over their ship's bows, while the big drops of perspira-
tion gleamed like pearls on the knitted brow of tne Cambridge
coxswain, as with wild shrieks he urged his crew to a superhuman
effort.
I was so excited, "as both boats flashed past the Judge's chair in
front of the Ship, that if you had flung a handful of gold into my
lap, I couldn't have told you which had won. No time, however,
was to he wasted in discussing that detail with myself. At a
venture I pulled the trigger of the " Come in " gun, which re-
sponded by a vicious kick that landed me in the bottom of my
trim-built wherry. A feeble huzza rang from the Ship, in whose
yard a few stragglers were astir even thus early. Up went to the
mast-head the rival flags, both looking blue (but the one dark, the
other light emblems of the struggle of the moment between night
and day), and, blowing up and out, were at once entangled in a
desperate tussle for supremacy.
I knew there woula be a wrangle, and was determined to keep
myself clear of it : so I paddled gently through the railway bridge,
and then, with one turn of the wrist, and that well-known silent
laugh which distinguishes all Pathfinders, shot my skiff to land,
jumped out and returned to town by Underground, leaving the
Crews to settle their differences over an amicable breakfast at the
Criterion.
A Volunteer Offer.
ONE would like to know this " tall gentleman, having lately come
into property," who advertises in a recent number of the Daily
Telegraph .
MAJOR. WAJTTBD to purchase, the TITLE of Major or Colonel in a
Volunteer regiment, by a tall gentleman, recently having come into
property. Address, with lowest price, &c.
This would-be Major evidently thinks that when purchase was
driven from the Army, it found an asylum in the Volunteers.
Acceptance and Resignation.
THE Post announces that the vacant office of Black Rod has been
accepted by GENERAL Siii W. KHOLLTS. Attached to it is a resi-
dence within the Palace of Westminster and a salary of 2000 per
annum. Butchers' meat maintaining its present prices, and fashions
continuing as extravagant as they are now, two thousand a year
will go only a little way to make both ends meet. Still, considered
is an agreeable addition to the means of housekeeping, it may
be sufficient to make SIB W. K. especially as Usher, instead of
school-boy, take the rod and be thankful.
130
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAKCH 24, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANQLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE BE LESTER-SCOU^EE.)
" Om, Fran9ais, votre patrie est belle,
Et chez vous le soleil etincelle !
Mais Ton n'a pas chez vous
Ces deux objets si doux,
Le Poqueur, et la Cole-escoutelle ! "
LES perpendiculaires rayons
L)u soleil illuminaient les fonds
De la mer. Ce cbauffnge
Fit d'abord fondre en nago
Puis demoralisa les poissons.
UN picqueau, nomme Picalili,
Le plus fort des picqueaux-Lazenbi,
S ^prit d'une picquelle
De chez CROSSB BT BLACQVZLLE,
Sut lui plaire, et devint son ami.
IL naquit pros do Choisy-le-Iioi ;
JjB Latin lui causait de i'effroi ;
Et les llathematiques
Lui donnaient des coliques,
Et le Grec I'enrhumait. Ce fut moi.
MABCH 24, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
131
OUJi NOVEL SERIES.
ALL IN THE DOWNS:
OR, THE BOTTOMRY BOND!
A NAUTICAL NOVEL, BT
8. PL-MS-LL, M.P.
('HAITI:!! VI. - Di-iiil Eyes and Shrouds,
YES, WILLIAM and MAHY MAYHUD were on board the doomed ship
whose fate had been settled by the Bottomry Bond, signed, sealed,
and delivered between the Stevedore and the Warden.
For days and days in calm weather they sailed.
The Captain, as I have said, a lad of only seventeen, was joyons
and careless. In the evening he played the fiddle, not tunefully,
but merrily, while POLLY, as she was now termed, sang sweetly.
A. Ship's Chandler (whom they had picked up in passing a light-
ship) illumined the state cabin with sea-dips, and they were as gay
as larks in the morning.
The Skipper skipped, and the Ship's Husband danced. The Mate
with five hands performed several amusing tricks of legerdemain.
Yet they were not happy. POLLY sent home two letters by the
stern-post, of which we may hear more by-and-by.
At three bells on a cloudy morning they sighted what they made
out to be the Pharo Isles on the coast of Egypt.
The Steward, however, felt certain that it was an immense Bank.
The Purser, pleased at this information for he had a quantity of
paper which he wished to change for gold put off in a small boat
and made for the Bank. At the same time, there being some
inequality on board, the Mate took a pair of ship's scissors and
bej?an trimming the cargo.
Before the Purser could return, indeed before he could reach his
destination, the Mate's action had brought about the long-dreaded
catastrophe ; for the grain, which had gradually been rising, sud-
denly burst all limits, forced the planks of the upper deck until the
bags rose in a steaming, seething mass, blackening the atmosphere,
and embedding mast after mast in their pudding-like overwhelming
embrace. Then the sacks exploded witn a tremendous report. A
report which, thank Heaven, reached LLOYD'S.*
A moment more, and all was over, or rather, under. Nothing of
the Albert Ross was visible except a few spars, masts, and the
Fact.- S. P.
rudder. The Purser, in his boat, managed to save the Mate with
five hands, the two steerage wheels, and that was all.
Where were WILLIAM TAII.LKUH and POLLT '
Alas! they had disappeared.
CIIAITKU VII. Land at Latt.
Now my task is nearly done.
WILLIAM and POLLY wore subsequently picked up by the Purser,
whose boat was a four-oar, manned and steered by that useful
person the Mate with five hands, to whom the Government subse-
quently gave a handsome reward.
Then they lixed the two steerage wheels to the Captain's gig, and,
having found a quiet animal, they drove overland to England.
WILLIAM arrived at LLOYD'S just in time to see the Committee
before closing for the day, and, on his representation, a Policeman
was sent down to arrest the Stevedore and the Junior Warden.
I would I had the graphic power of MM. EKCKMAJJN-CHATBIAK
(as I have once before observed in my Pamphlets, having long ago
felt a twist for novel writing*), and I would describe the agony of
the Stevedore, and the remorse of the wicked old Warden,
who bargainee! for mercy, by offering to disclose the secret
of MAKY MATBUD'S
parentage.
The Judge who
heard the case (Ma.
O'Dowo, the Coun-
sel of the Board of
Trade, appeared for
the prosecution t),
being much inte-
rested, accepted the
offer, and the War-
den confided to His
Lordship that MAK v
MAYBUD was his
(the Judge's) own
daughter.
His Lordship was
not astonished, as
he thought he had
lost a daughter some
time ago, and was
delighted to find
himself mistaken.!
So the Spanish
Stevedore was
handed over to his
own Government,
and hung at Cor-
dova. The Junior
Warden was fined,
disgraced, and ban-
ished. He never
returned.
WILLIAM TML-
LEUK was subse-
quently created
rt SIR WILLIAM ; "
then, in consequence
of the valuable
lights he was able
to throw npon all
matters of maritime interest, he was made, a Peer (taking precedence
of the Chain Pier and the Old Pier at Brighton), with a seat in the
Lighthouse under the style and title of the EAKL OF SHTPSBEACOHS-
FIELD. MABY is a Countess. And that 's all.
Ye who read this, help me to do my best to destroy the
homicidal system, and never let the two thousand working-men of
Derby, who have never seen a ship in their lives, or a sailor, and
who don't know a bow from a keel, or a jib from a forecastle, and
whose conduct, in sending me to Parliament, is therefore all the
more disinterested and generous let them, I say, never forget what
I have done, what I will do, for the sailor's wrongs ; and let them
ever, and always, send me to the House as their Member honest,
bluff, hearty, and earnest S. P., as they know me to be. And they
have stood Sam once let them stand Sam again. And when the
time comes, though other lips and other hearts of oak their tales of
love may tell, let them remember me, the Author of All in the
Downs ; or, the Bottomry Bond!
Finis.
Vtdt "An Appeal on behalf of our Seamen." 8. P.
t I throw tbia in just to do an excellent friend a good turn. S. P.
X This is really a very weak ending;, as so little interest has been created
about MARY beforehand. However, MR. PL-MS-LL is, it must be remem-
bered, a novice at novel-writing, and at all events he has told us what the
previous attempts have failed to do a rtory. KD.
132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 24, 1877.
WELL TURNED.
Minister (reproachfully, to bibulous Village Barber with shaking Hand).
JOHN, JOHN ! THAT WHISKEY " !
Barber (condolently). " AYB, SIB, IT MAK'S THE SKIN UNCO TENDER ! "
'An,
TEETH BEFORE KNIVES, AND FINGERS BEFORE FORKS.
" At a meeting of the Trustees of ANDERSON'S Institution, Elgin, the other day, the
Governor stated that neither the boys nor the girls in the Institution were provided with
knires and forks they conveyed their beef, &o. to their mouths with their hands. The
Trustees present all said that they had never heard of this omission before, though some of
them had been visiting the Institution for forty years ; and the Provost having characterised
it as scandalous, a supply of knives and forks was ordered to he procured forthwith."
Dundee Advertiser.
AND yet LORD FKANCIS HERVET maintains that' SIR JOHN LUBBOCK'S Bill
for the Preservation of Ancient Monuments is not wanted !
Here is another of these Monuments gone !
With this primitive custom of the Andersonian Institute of Elgin disappears
one more of the few surviving traces of the simple usages of our Northern
ancestry, as instructive, in its way, as the kitchen-middens, which, if properly
sought, might, we should think, very likely still be found in course of actual
accumulation under the cathedral walls of Elgin.
Before all these ancient monuments are swept away by the rude and reckless
hand of so-called " Civilisation," why should notithe Geographical and Anti-
quarian Societies combine for a systematic and well-equipped exploring expedi-
tion to these Northern regions ? Who knows what might reward well-directed
exploration ? MR. SMILES has already made a famous find in Banff, in TAM
EDWARD, the self-taught, self-encouraged, and self-supporting " Scotch
Naturalist." Who can say what curious discovery may be awaiting the
intelligent explorer in the neighbouring burgh of Elgin, now that we know,
from the paragraph we have quoted, that it still boasts a charitable and
educational Institution to which knives and forks had not found their way in
the seventy-seventh year of the nineteenth century ?
MUS. DOC.
DEGBEE lately conferred by the University of Cambridge on HEER JOACHIM
Fiddle D.D.
A CRT FROM UNDERGROUND. The Railway Passengers' Duty To shut the
door after him when he gets out.
THE NEW-WOELD LESBIA'S LAMENT.
" Perhaps the irrepressible sparrow does not interest Englisl
people quite as much as it does us, but really, after all th<
affectionate care wo have shown to that brown-coated chirruper
it is distressing to announce the fact that he is leaving the snug
cotes we have fixed him up at the hub of the universe. Yet
during the late cold-snap we have had in Boston, and the State
generally, the sparrows we coaxed over and believed we hac
made into Yankeess real blue bloods have gone oft' in rlockt
' westward," as the Empire is said to grow. Where in the Wesi
they have gone we know not." Letter of " A SENTIMENTAL
AMERICAN " in the " Times."
UNGRATEFUL BIRD ! Thy cheeping note
And bead-black eye and plain brown coat
To LESBIA were dearer
Than showier plumage, sweeter song,
For that they seemed, with impulse strong,
To knit far-kindred, sundered long,
And bring the old home nearer.
Now thou hast faithless turned, and fled.
Far rather had I mourned thee dead !
Did I not pet thee, praise thee, think
The oriole and the bobolink
Extremely small potatoes
Compared with thee ? an alien bii d !
Thy ditty, dullest ever heard,
To PATH'S warbling I preferred.
A heart as stern as CATO'S
Might pity LESBIA'S anguished breast,
Now her pet Sparrow has flown Wett !
Ready-made nest and cosy cote
I built thee, that thy twittering- note
Might glad me night and morning.
I fed thee, coaxed thee, cracked thee up,
Observed thee breakfast, watched thee sup,
And now, to brim my sorrow's cup,
Thou 'rt gone, thy LESBIA scorning.
Of her warm love hadst thou no sense,
That one " cold-snap " could drive thee hence ?
Perchance some London LESBIA smilt s
Amidst whose chimney-pots and tiles
Thou art not loth to linger.
Yet loves she thee as she might love
Her pet canary, or her dove ?
Didst ever perch upon her glove,
Or feed from her fair finger ?
Then why her house-tops haunt, and why
A far more loving mistress fly ?
The tender emerald English grass
We strove to grow ; in vain, alas !
Their Ivy failed to flourish
On Harvard's walls ; and now this prize
We fondly thought to Yankeeise,
The bird I stooped to idolise,
To praise, and pet, and nourish,
Has flown, with frost, to the far West,
Leaving that warmest, whitest nest
That 's now an aching void my breast !
Lady Helps and Lady Hands.
OVERNESS. WANTED, a Young Lady, about twenty,
five, to take entire charge of a little Girl, aged nine, and
ler wardrobe, and to carefully train and educate her in English,
Drench, Music, Singing, Drawing, and Needlework, and assist
a little in housekeeping. Address, stating full particulars of
ixperienee, salary required, &c.
WANTED, good General Servant, able to cook for a
small family; also a Nurse. Washing put out ; all found.
Address, &c. Keply personally or by letter, stating wages.
Wincn of these places would you rather take the
hance of, my well-bred and well-educated little dears,
vho may one day have your livelihoods to earn '(
TO A SON.
GIVE up Whist, my boy, and take to your books.
Jurn the midnight Hoyle, in fact. Burn your Caven-
Lish, too, not by instalments, but as an auto daft.
MARCH 31, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
133
THE STUDIOS.
" BOUND SECOND."
Note. By an
oversight, Mr.
Punch himself
was made to
figurein" Round
" of "The
Ktudios," re-
ported in our
last number but
one. We need
hardly state that
Punch never
indulges in
"nips," even on
the most artistic
invitation. It
was Mr. P.'
Art-Critic who
toolLMr.Punch't
name and nips on
that occasion.)
With faint reminiscences of having been knocked a little out of
time in " Hound One " by the hospitality of his numerous Artist
friends, your Reporter comes up smiling for " Round Two."
But with every desire to stick to his business, get through as
many frames, and knock off as many canvases, as time would allow,
Studios are now so broadcast that it was difficult for your Reporter,
before starting for his second round, to settle, without Ordnance Map
or Bradshaw, whether it would be best to take, first, the Boilers oi
Brompton.the GraveiPite of Kensington, or the Wood of St. John, and
whether to call en route between these great Art-centres on the Halkin
Mews Hamateurs, the Laugham Lazzaroni, or the Hampstead
Humorists, as occasion and cabs might decide, or whether, but no
matter ; these are details of topographical economy which interest
you little and me less, as my tcavaUaiff expenses concern our
respected proprietors, and money is no object to them, while my
time is their money.
By the way, I promised my friend Mu. STACEY MARKS a visit
before the reciprocal flatteries exchanged between our Critic and
many Painters had got into his head, and rendered his judgment less
absolutely to be depended on.
Another palace ! Gad ! Sir, these Artists live on the fat of the
land. Their painting -jackets are of Genoa velvet, their breakfast
china marked with the six marks of the Hang Dynasty or the flower
of the Ho-Sung potteries, and their smallest piece of furniture a
priceless gem of BOULE, GOUTHIEK, or CHIPPENDALE.
In an easy attitude before his easel, suiting his colours to his
palette, and haying a brush with his canvas in a frame of mind
that appeared singularly in harmony with his subject, I discovered
my friend (I never saw nim before, hut I presume a friend of yours
is a friend of his) deeply occupied with the noble picture he will
soon exhibit on the Academy walls. I told you it was " Old King
Cole and his Fiddlers Three." That was only my fun ! The real
title is " Stnttt's Sports in a Sack Room in Wardoitr Street." The
eminent archu'ulogist is sitting in pointed shoes on the top of a black
oak wardrobe, practising oup-and-ball, while a circle of stuffed
birds look on admiringly from below. The shoes are full of point,
and the flamingoes bursting with life and tow. The art of MABKS
is already so profoundly impressed with the marks of Art, (this
looks like tautology but I am liable to fits of gush occasionally,
and require the application of a key down my back, and a few drops
of chloral to arrest the flow) that I forget where I was. Oh 1 I
remember. MARKS six Marks. No; that was at WHISTLER'S.
STACET (( call him STACET now that we seem to have known each
other so long and so intimately) treated me with marks of hospitality
and affection I shall always remember in fact, until we renew them
next season, and, as we hobnobbed in'a flagon of Hypocras, topped
up with a beaker of hot lambswool, " Ifackins ! " I cried, " I would
more of thy acquaintance, bully MARKS ! By cock and pye thine is
right merrie fellowship." This may have sounded absurd, for I
am not aware the Painter ever was at the University, but he has
at least taken a high degree in Art, and deservedly so.
But on to pastures new. Thinks I, I should like a smell of the
briny, a whiff of the sea breezes, which I have no time to seek in
their native pewter at Brighton, Margate, or Southend. By hook
or crook I '11 get it ! By HOOK, answers Echo, and I am off at Echo's
biddinjr.
As I open MR. HOOK'S door I am struck with the quaint and
fih-like smell, of a kind of not of the newest Poor John, which
emanates from the quay well, not exactly quay, but at least har-
bour of refnge provided by this best of marine painters for myself
and all in search of the " true and blue and ever free." Lobster-
pots, trawls, kedges, jiggers, and dog-fish literally litter the floor ;
and as I watch the herring-boats or Lowestoft yawls dancing on the
canvas right and left, I get a smack in my eye such as only Harwich
or HOOK could impress with as much effect upon their pupils. I
jumped at mm- aboard the painter's craft, ana thence, after a re-
trrshinir plunge into the wild sea waves, followed up by a " water-
bite" of a dozen oysters (real natives, "Ang Low Dutch!" as I said
to my trii'ii'l 11.), and a nip of smuggled brandy, I let go the painter,
and figuratively Hook it.
With my api'tit.f lor sea air only stimulated by this nibble at a
Hook, I bore away aboard my Hansom, chartered for the day's
cruise, up Campdcn 11.11, and was soon nitchinir my trousers and
dowsing my tarpaulin in the presence of II. MOORE. Here's a
breeze, Sir ! Here 's a bouquet of sea-beach ! Here 's an air now
cresrendn, now rullentamlooi wavelets making a creamy ripple on
the beach. (I am not quite clear if that is mine or the Laureate'! ;
if it isn't A. T.'s, he is welcome to it, and can fit it" into his next
sea-idyl.) " MOORE, and still MOORE," I cry, until I begin so to
believe in the " Freth Breezes " and " Rolling Swells," that had
not my kind entertainer brought me a pick-me-up, in which cognac
predominated over seltzer, I verily believe he must have brought
me a basin. It was all the {rifted artist could do to prevent me
taking a header into one of his freshly-painted waves. " Breakers
ahead ! " thought I, and after another final gulp of his refreshing briny,
I retired gracefully and sought another clime I should say climb
for I had to ascend the Hill of Netting, cross the Vale of Maida,
and seek the classical temple of AI.JIA TADEMA, by the northern
gate of the Grecian-porticoed park of the Late Regent, and almost
under the classic shadow of the Hill of Primrose. A palace an
imperial monument ! complete from the Care Canem at the door to
the Gladiator's helmet worn by the butler, who took my hat and
hung it on the spear of Pallas Promachos which adorns the vestibule.
Here I got so hopelessly mixed up with matrons in Tynan-dyed
hair, babies wearing the bulla, and slaves playing on the discobolos,
the ciirchedon, and the kitfiara, that I had scarcely wits left to
distinguish between the real and the unreal, between the Gallo-
Greek and the Hispano-Mauresque. between the symposium on the
luncheon-table and the banquet on the easel. A witching Bacchante,
who had been arranging mosaic tetserte into multitudinous patterns,
left her puzzle and her play to press an amphora of Falernian to my
eager lips. I felt 1 was growing classical ; my hair was cropping
into a * Titus ; " my Ulster was folding itself into a toga ; and I
caught myself struggling to arrange into any one of the five classical
orders the imperfect memories of a public school education, as
seizing a barbiton from the wall, I burst, by way of expressing my
thanks, into a quotation from HORACE (tesselated, it may be, but all
the more classical for that), something to the following effect, as
well as I can remember :
" 0<ii proftmum, puer ? apparatus !
Vuljrus et arceo, film pulohrior
Die ! Utrum mavis acvipe, Tadbu, aut
ALMA TADMA."
" Won't scan and construe P " All I know is I made it scan then,
if you can't now ; and as to construing, any wise man can put his
own construction on anything. No hyper-criticism, if you please.
By Pol and Hercules 1 that Falernian was first-class, and must
have been amphoraed consule Planco ! bottled in PLANCUS'S time.
PLANCUS must have been a right good fellow the PLANCHE of
the period, I dare say herald, antiquarian, dramatist, and poet ;
so ' ALMA TOJDDT TADDT what "s his name P
How I got out of this round without throwing up the sponge, is
quite incomprehensible. But to resume *
* We regret to have to add that the Sergeant Comroissionnaire employed
by our worthy Publisher, who happens to be a householder, was called on,
at a late hour, to bail our Art-Critic out of the Primrose Hill Station- House,
whither he had been brought in a wild state of classical and Bacchanalian
elevation, shouting " Ecoe ! ' and " lo Satcht! " which the Police Sergeant
on duty construing into a call for tobacco, he had kindly sent out for a two-
ounce packet of WTILS'S Best Bristol Bird's-Eye, and a clean pipe. A card
discovered in our Art-Critic's pocket, with the address of our office, led to the
iipplication to our worthy Commiroionnaire already mentioned. Our Art-
Critic has not yet come up to time for "Hound Third."
Early Birds.
WE all know the song of "St. Patrick'* Day in the Morning f
but we didn't know the dinner this year, like the song, was also 11
the morning, if we may trust the Daily Telegraph advertise-
ment :
ST. PATRICK'S DAY DINNER, at CANNON STREET HOTEL, ou
SATURDAY, March IT. at 6.80 A.M. ISAAC BUTT, Esq , Q.C . M.P.,
in the Chair, and a considerable number of the Irish Members expected.
VOL. LXXII.
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 31, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(Extracted from the Spirit O/PEPYS.)
;
LORD DERBY did ex-
plain to my LORD
GRAuvriiE (Lords,
Monday, March 19) ;
but would needs
thrust off upon
COUNT SCHOUVA-
LOFF, the Muscovite
Ambassador, the delays in settling of the business. Strange, how
nice men will be over what methinks can serve for little purpose but
the screening of their real ends, for the which it do seem to me that
one set of words would serve as well as another. But 'tis the business
of diplomacy to fashion such screens ; so no wonder they of the craft
do make much ado about what is writ upon them. Only to plain
folks out-of-doors methinks it must needs seem that it do matter
little. I sorry to learn that SIR HENKY ELLIOT is sick, but glad that
he shall not go back at once to Constantinople ; and, indeed, I could
find in my heart to wish he may never go back thither, for methinks
one so weak were better elsewhere, seeing your Turk do need a
strong hand in them that have the dealing with him. Besides 'tis a
hard place for one that I do hear is a most easy gentleman, both in
speech and carriage, though mighty pleasant, and would do well
enough, I doubt not, in another place. Afterwards my Lords did
talk at large on Cattle Plague, and Law Schools, and Inns of Court,
matters I like little, and scarce know which least, but do hold them
all plagues after their kind.
(Commons.) By reason of Cattle Plague I do find many, both in
and I do not well see how otherwise the plague
And methinks I had rather, if we must have
strange meat, that it came over dead, than alive, and bring the
plague with it.
I do learn from UNDER-SECRET ABT BOTTRKE that SIR HENRY ELLIOT
be to be let down by degrees one being sent in his place, at first,
as if for a while only. Only I do not think in my heart the
Government be for sending Snt HENRY back; but meanwhile do
give him many good words, which I would not have him be-
grudged, if they comfort him. And indeed I do find all mighty
tender to him ; as they well may be, seeing he hath but done
what most would have had him, which is nothing.
My LORD CHARLES BEHESFORD, a mighty brisk young Captain,
that I do like to hear speak for his fiery spirit, did no little content
me to-night by his brave talk of Torpedoes. And indeed I do now
think to understand them better than I had ever hoped to do with-
out seeing ; and strange weapons they do seem, and nasty, and able
to blow a great ship to pieces as it were in a whiff. I do at last
know that they are of several sorts ; some to be laid under water,
like our land petards, and fired by the passage of a ship above them ;
and others to be carried in boats within reach of the ship they be to
strike ; but the most devilish to be launched from aboard the ship that
carries them, and to run by their own moving power and their own
steerage, and at any depth that they may be ballasted for, and so go
straight at the enemy's ship like a bull-dog at a bull, and at the first
touch burst, and blow the biggest ship to the bottom, and no help.
And though I did always wonder how men should be found so mad
to go to sea when they could stay ashore, I do now wonder at this
more than ever, with such diabolique engines both aboard our
y 1 . ft ' 111 I>~ * *" mffmnm luuuj, l/\Juil tu Iliu -j HUUA C V CI , WltU BUU1L UlitUUll^UC tllgillea UUUl UUUalU UUl
^ords and Commons, would have the bringing in of Foreign Beasts ; ships of war and ready for launching against them by others. So
MARCH 31, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
AT THE BOAT-RACE.
Ada. " MAMMA, I CAN'T QUIT* MAKE our WHAT THOSE ROUGH-LOOKING MEN AKK BAYINO ; BUT THEY irnsr BI WELL- EDUCATED ! "
Jfamtna. " WHY, BEAR I "
Ada. " WELL, THEY ALL SEEM TO KHOW THE FRENCH FOE ' LADY '"II
that 'tis hard to say which is the greatest danger to blow up your-
self, or be blown up by your enemy : whereof mi-thinks either is
enough without the other. But I am sorry to learn that all may
have these torpedoes, though their deviser be an Englishman one
WnrrEHEAD. So that I marvel why our Government did not buy
the invention of him, rather than a certain number of his torpedoes
only. For now it seems he may and do sell them to all. And I
do not think it well that a man should be let keep a shop, as it
were, for sale of such infernal inventions, when we might, for a little
money, have them all to ourselves.
Then the House did vote more than Two and a Half Millions for
Seamen's Wages, at which I did wonder, to think how hard we used
to be put to it, in my time, to get a few poor Thousands. But, indeed ,
it do seem the country is grown rich in money, that all the Offices
may have it 'for the asking ; only the difficulty is in the right spend-
ing of it, and how to get the needful kind of virtuoso officers to
manage the engines aboard our ships ; and to that end MB. WARD
Hum do propose some peddling measures, but nothing fitting our
need. And, indeed, all in this matter do seem alike at a non-plus,
and cannot yet find the right men. And yet England, that they
call the world's workshop, ought to furnish such men easiest ; and
I doubt not could, if the Office could but hit the right way to get
them. There was also a vote taken to-night for more than a
Million, for Victualling and Clothing, which do as much amaze me
as the monstrous sum for pay. And to think no gifts to them in the
Office out of it all ! Which is hardest of all for me to believe. And
a sorry thing methinks for them in the Office.
Tuesday. My Lords up at half -past five, after some talk of Rail-
way Accidents and Retirement of Army Officers twojhard nuts to
crack, were the best teeth in my Lords' best heads set to them.
(Commons.) One MB. RKOLNALD YOHKE did move an Address to
the Crown to issue a Commission to Inquire into all Matters touching
the Stock Exchange, and the business and usages thereof, which is
indeed a new thing since my time, and, it do seem, ii used chiefly
for the getting on and off the market of Bubble Loans and Com-
panies, whereof your clever rogues do make rare pickings out of
the losses of simple honest folk. And SIR C. RUSSELL did amaze me,
showing how Twenty States did now owe us 305 Millions of money
lent, and 40 Millions arrears of interest.
But MB. ALDERMAN COTTON, and MB. STANHOPE, and others were
against inquiry, for that the said Exchange was a need of the times.
As I do see it is, and that without it many clever rogues would be
cast out of a livelihood ; and they do plead that there be good
schemes promoted thereby as well as bad ones ; and, indeed all do
knowjthat 'tis hard for the law to come between simple fools and
sharp knaves, and so said SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, and did give
good reasons against such inquiry, but, nevertheless, did end by
agreeing to it, which amazed me, that a grave man like him should
give such good reasons against his own action; and I do indeed
think this be one of those things whereof the saying goes" the
more you stir it, the more it stinks" yet the House, I believe,
was for stirring it, so the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was fain
to yield, but methinks did it not with a good grace. And, indeed.
I had thought SIR STAFFORD a weightier and wiser man than he did
seem to-night.
But, lord ! to hear how your sharp rogues do thrive by these bubble-
blowings, and what a state they keep 1 And how of these pestilent
bubbles, one will burst every now and then, and let the hoised
knaves that blew it down of a sudden, and then a great stir and a
scandal, but soon forgotten. All which I would have otherwise ;
and had rather see things as in my time, when indeed we did pick
and steal handsomely enough in the Offices, and did think little of
cheating the King, but had no such mighty making of money by
right-down roguery under the name of business as I do 'see in this
town now-a-days. And while this is so, methinks 'tis hard to see
what good can come of inquiring how the rogues do go about their
knavery, for that to shut one way to them is most times but to
open another.
Wednesday. MB. Burr did move his Irish Land Tenure Bill
for enabling Tenants to hold the lands against their Landlords so
long as they should pay their rents. But the House would none of it
by 322 to 84. And I do wonder how any one should be bold enough
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAEOH 31, 1877.
to bring in such a Bill in a House mostly of landowners. But I do
think this Bill is one not meant to pass, but only to please the more
ignorant Irish out of the House, like many of the Bills of MR. Burr.
But methinks he must, indeed, be ready to throw such tubs to the
whales, or he would not bear rule at home, nor brook Home-Rule as
he do. But as for the prosperity of Ulster, which MB. Bcii^do place
on its law of land, I do rather, by all I can learn, hold it to come of
the Scotch blood brought in there through KING JAMES'S Plantation
of that part of Ireland, which hath marvellously sobered your wilder
Irish soit, so that I would KING JAMES had so planted all'Ireland.
Thursday (Lords). My LORD DUDLEY mighty free-spoken upon
the Protocol, and the emptiness thereof, and the need 01 some care
and thought for the Christians under the Turk, and how he would
not have SIR HENRY ELLIOT go back to Constantinople, for that he
was all for the Turk. And so did draw down a sharp rap from my
LORD DUKE OF SOMERSET, and most from my LOUD DEEBY, that
would not any Lord should speak strongly on such matters, seeing
it is his way to do nothing and to say as little as may be ; and hath
till now succeeded wondrous well therein, and will abide by it.
In the Commons were many questions, but only work on the
Prisons Bill, wherein I do see CROSS is one that not only means well
but do better than most ; and IJmuch contented with his carriage of
all matters about his Bill to-night.
THE COASTGUARDSMAN OF THE FUTURE.
(An outline', ly LGKD CHARLES BBBESTOHD, Ailed in by
MB. PUITCH.)
ON the evening of a cold
spring day sat a wea-
ther -beaten man on,the
beach of an exposed part
of the Yorkshire coast.
In spite of the almost
wintry wind that
blew his gar-
ments hither
and thither, he
calmly con-
tinued Ms em-
ployment of
sketching the
seascape before
him.
" This work,"
he murmured,
" is congenial to
my tastes, and I
shall grow strong
and hearty in
this exposed
situation. Let
me see, what
have I done to-
day ? This
morning was de-
voted to seizing
contraband ar-
ticles from a
score of smug-
glers. After I
took my lunch I
placed the
ground torpe-
does yonder
where the sun is
dipping his rays
in the water.
This afternoon
my studies of
fortification and military history were interrupted by a shipwreck.
It was annoying, but I saved the crew in my steam life-boat. I must
work harder to-morrow, or I shall not pass the monthly examination
ordered by the Lords of the Admiralty. I could not bear that dis-
grace. It would be too hard to put the School-Board (to whom I owe
all my technical knowledge and accomplishments) to open shame ! It
must not be ! nay, it shall not be !
The sun having now sunk behind the distant horizon, the
Coastguardsman gathered up his sketching materials, and returned
to his watch-tower. He had hardly opened a scientific work upon
gunnery when the signal-bell of the telegraphic apparatus informed
him that a message was on its road. In a moment he was at the
instrument, anxiously waiting for information.
" A despatch from the Admiralty 1 " he exclaimed, as the needles
moved rapidly from side to side. And then he repeated the message
word for word " War is declared. Keep a sharp look-out. The
enemy's fleet is " He could read no more, for the needles sud-
denly stopped ; and further examination convinced him that the
wire of communication between his office and Whitehall had been
severed.
"What shall I do?" he asked himself in an undertone. And
then he listened. The sounds of horses' hoofs striking the hard,
flinty road without, reached his eager ears. Rapidly arming himself,
he rushed out, and formed himself (aa well as the resources at his
command would permit) into a hollow square. He waited patiently
for a few minutes, and, hearing nothing more, extended himself in
skirmishing order. The last movement had the desired effect. A
regiment of Uhlans appeared, and were rapidly demolished by the
Gatling gun he had brought with himlfor the purpose.
" It is lucky that I have the Field Exercises at my fingers'-ends,"
he murmured. " Without the knowledge culled from the Red Book,
I could never have performed these manoeuvres with such success
and steadiness."
_But once more silence reigned around. No longer able to restrain
his impatience to learn the worst he took from the pocket of his
rough sailor's coat a small mortar, and loaded it with gun-cotton
and a parachute shell. In another nwment the sea and land for
miles round were illuminated with a brilliant light.
" As I expected," he observed, with a grim smile. " The enemy's
fleet is in the offing."
He could say no more, for immediately the air became thick with
shells, which rapidly exploded in the most dangerous manner. The
Coastguardsman, without any unnecessary delay, threw himself
upon Ms face, and crawled back, like a serpent, to his tower, which
was of course subterranean.
Once in this place of security he approached an instrument con-
nected with the telegraphic apparatus, which looked somewhat like
an old harpsichord. Rapidly sweeping his fingers over the keys,
immediately the distant sea was convulsed in many places. He had
fired the sunken torpedoes. Then he crawled above ground, and by
the light of the moon, which had now risen, ascertained, with the
assistance of a telescope, that a couple of dozen Iron-clads had been
blown to atoms. A distant cheer informed him, however, much to
his chagrin, that only a portion of the enemy's fleet had been
destroyed.
" I must get out my 200-ton gun," he murmured, angrily. " And
then good-bye to my studies for to-night."
Crawling stealthily to a hidden boathouse, he crept into what
seemed to be a floating gun-carriage propelled by steam. On a
lucifer being applied to the fuel, ready [laid in the furnaces, the
machine immediately got up steam, and, consuming its own
smoke, left the shore. The floating gun-carriage lay low in the
water, and was painted to represent a miniature wave. At a few
yards' distance the boat could not be distinguished from the water.
By turning a few handles, and steering cleverly, he was able to load
and fire Ms formidable weapon a dozen times, and each shot de-
molished an Iron-clad. Again he loaded and fired, but at length
without effect. The floating fortress had conquered the floating gun.
His weapon had at last become valueless.
Nothing daunted, he put some more fuel into the furnace, and
increased the speed of his little craft. When he was within a
thousand yards of the remainder of the enemy's fleet, he lowered a
dozen floating cases like gigantic cigars, lighted their fuses, and the
cases instantaneously plunged under water.
" It is rather cruel, he murmured. " but it can't be helped."
In another minute and a half, twelve of WHITEHEAD'S torpedoes
had been exploded, and the remaining Iron-clads were reposing
in pieces at the bottom of the sea.
Thoughtfully the Coastguardsman returned to his subterranean
tower. He rushed to Ms desk, and dashed off, with the aid of a
type-writer, a brilliant account of his proceedings. He had taken
seven impressions at once. The original he put in an envelope for
the Admiralty; the copies were addressed to the Editors of the
leading journals.
Then he mounted a bicycle, and, after half an hour's ride, found
the severed wire. He connected the metal with his pocket instru-
ment, and telegraphed to London, " The enemy's ships accounted for.
Send divers by early train to-morrow to raise them, for the sake of
the old iron. The Lords of the Admiralty are respectfully informed
that they can now retire to rest with easy minds."
Then the Coastguardsman posted his letters, and, having in-
effectually swept the sea with his glass to discover if it were
possible to save any of the crews in hia steam life-boat, returned to
his tower.
Here, tired with Ms day's exertions, he set his alarum at
a quarter to five, played Mule Britannia (with some brilliant
variations) on Ms violin, wrapped himself in the Union Jack, and
in a few moments was enjoying the sleep that follows upon .duty
done.
MARCH 31, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
A CLUB TO THE RESCUE."
XCELLENT M.
You MO m-
r 11 riii lily so rery
kind to Ladies,
that I cannot help
asking you for
your opinion
about the new
Tournament Cluti.
Do you know it w
to be so grand ''
The object of the
Club is the " re-
vival of chivalric
sports under dit-
age. There's to
be quintain and
tilting at the ring,
and the prizes are
to be given away
by a Queen of
Heauty. Another
< hivalric sport is
to be "flveoVlock
rom three to
half -past six dur-
ing the season.
Xow, doesn't this sound very nice '( My only fear is, that if
FX becomes a member he will hurt iHTastAi'.dreadfulli/ with
.11, which is a bag of sand, or something'. horrible of that
n't it '( The poor boy rides a good many stones more than he
did a few years ago. For all that he is quite too awfully charm-
ing, and I certainly should not permit him to receive a prize
from any Queen of Beauty but Well, my modesty won't allow
me to say any more. And that reminds me how are the Queens of
llcauty to be ohosen ? If the Ladies are put up for ballot, and
elected by their own sex. none of them will ever be taken.
"Tilting at the ring ' being permitted, I suppose is a delicate
way of saying that flirtation won't be forbidden. But really I think
the Tournament will be quite too dangerous, and just a little bit
ridiculous. I see that the Committee want to find a town house.
Don't you think they had better fix their head-quarters at AsTLEt's f
Believe me, my dear Mr. Punch,
Yours most affectionately,
The Boudoir, Baytwater. A CLEVEH LITTLE WOMAIT.
DUE REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(lli i addrtaes the Editor, expresses hit sincere regret, and
announces a courageous intention.)
SIB,
I CAinwr explain how grieyed I am to have been compelled,
by circumstances over which I hare not now, nor ever shall have,
any control, to absent myself from the gay Metropolis at what is the
very Preface of the Season. His Royal Highness has been with
you, but I have not. Now he leaves you for a little tour which I
sincerely trust he will enjoy : and I am with you for a few weeks,
just to start the Season, and then again to horse, and away !
My chief regret, I own, is that I have been unable to see Haska
at Drury Lane that Spicerian Drama which has engaged the atten-
tion of " the gentlemen of the Long Robe," and advertised itself at
some considerable expense to the Author.
But I hare seen the Picture, up in front of Drury Lane, repre-
senting, in beautifully bright colours, a young lady, presumably
Jlnxkii the Heroine, about to throw herself out of a large window,
while a gentleman, evidently belonging to the upper classes of
foreign society, and something between King Belshacxar in the old-
fashioned children's picture-books, and the conventional Richard
the Third, is standing in an attitude of surprise, not unmingled
with indignant disgust at least such was the impression conveyed
to my mind by his deep-pink-blush face. From behind the arras
issues a crowd of armed men rushing out, either to seize the foreign
nobleman (taking him unawares while in this state of blushing in-
dignation), or to prevent Hatka from committing what the police
reports would term " the rash act."
But I have no time to dilate on the artistic composition, which will
not (unless I am misinformed) be in this year's Academy.
All I have to say is this, that I regret my inability to witness the
performance of the play, unless it runs over Easter. If it does, then
I am there representing you, Sir, I am all there. If it does not,
then a* Drury Lane is to be let very soon, I am half-inclined to hire
it for one night ; with MR. KPICEU s assistance, merely to represent
Jlaska to a uelect audience, only no one will be admittni tr/n, has not
I himself with n toucher sigmd hy three Peeresses
in their mrn rig/it, anil by H.U.H., fur HKB MAJESTY. Then,per-
h,tpt, 1 may allow them to come in on payment of tire sovereigns,
and no change given.
However, that project is tn nubibus or in boobibus at present,
though I atu 'pen to an <>))> r.
No, Sir, I have made up my mind, and when I have finished my
packing I am going to ride to Khiva, or -omfwhere else. I do not wish
it my gallant I vur BUHNAHV ; no, far from it. But
to Khiva I wilt go, my boys, to K hi va I will go. I don't know where
it is, and Id ' hat makes the undertaking more perilous (as
I might take the wrong turning to begin with), and my conduct the
more plucky. I think I shall open a subscription list. There *re.
lots of people tcant me tn go atcny I me:in to rvie to Khiva, and to
see what it's like before th> .emselves. I've often
" ridden to cover " (or A'lVfr, as the Cockneys would call it/ ; but I 've
never done Khiva.
Xo matter, particulars as to subscriptions will be soon started in
this Journal, and at Khiva, or elsewhere, mounted or on foot, believe
me always to be
A CHANCE FOR PEACK.
MB. PUNCH, SER,
.T.E sez 'tis a toss-up whether there ' join to be peece or war.
It ought for to be quite differnt. The right toes-up wood be Roosher
and Turky tossin witch o' the 2 shood disharm lust. Wot a loark
'twood be to ae the BUI/TUN and the F.MPRFK AI.IKZAXDEH, or their
ed Men the GRAND VIZIICH and PUINSR GORTSSHAKOHF a skyin a
coper. Or the toss cood come oil over ere upon nutral ground 'tween
tke Itooshan and Turkish Ambassadors afore LORD DARBY and LORD
SALSBURT and yerself, to se fair play wile they cride " Man " or
"Ooman." Honly the wust on it praps yule think ood be
likely to be that Roosher 'd want to toss on the imderstandin of eds
i win tales you lose. Utharways the only further kvestohun fur the
Diplermats to considder wood be about makin the Game between the
I contractin Partees and wether it ad beter be best too out o 3 or
Suddin Deth. Nex time you sieze BEN BACONSFEELD jest you giv
im the abuv Tipp with mi luv. E can then perpose it in the propper
kevarter at Bunt Peetersburg witch if then offered to the Sublime
Port wot cood A i.i K/ \NIIKU say fairer than that ? A namesake of
isn I 've eerd Swels say wunce cum across a Not as e coodn't unty,
and witch e accordinly cut with is Board. Wood the ALI K/ANDKU
wot is rayther do it jpeeceful Y Wei then e can tri the agrcment of
tossin to tackle the Gorgin Nott. Oxfurd and Cambridge tosses fur
fust chice o sides on the River. 'Twas only this wery mornin as I
meself tost for a pint of arf-an-arf and won. That 's wot put it
into my ed that Roosher and Turky mite be inwited to f oiler the
exampel of the Varsity Craze, and yores trnley, exoep that insted
of toastE agin one pal only for that ere bere, I went
Tme ODD MAS.
The. Checkers (SpelUn Reform Crib], Wensdau.
On finding the fragments of an Egg upon the Chair of
Vice-Chancellor Malins.
HENS sit, and Judges sit 'tis fair to match 'em,
Since one has lately given much pains to Hatcham,
And laid a yoke (some say) on our Theology :
But this egg surely had its nest mistaken.
Eggs in the Rolls would scarcely need apology,
And every one has heard of Eggs and BATON.
How then account for this misplaced oration ?
Why thus ! Our memory may have its failings
But we account for it by this quotation,
" Alt ovo usque ad (Flacco pace) J/.i t-iss."
A Novel Case.
"AT Taunton Assue*, yesterday, before MR. Jcmcn HAWKTJCS, JAHBS
JLBBP, station-muter at Wellow, was charged with the mantUoghter of
BLIZABETH EDOB and twelve other persona, who were killed in the Kadstock
Railway accident, owing to his having started a train on a single line when
another was due in the opposite direction. A sentence of twelve months'
imprisonment was passed.'
We have known of but too many Railway Accidents caused by
want of sleep among the Company's Servants, but the Radstock
uvident is the only instance we ever heard of, of an accident caused
try one SLEEP too many among those in the Company's employment.
138
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 3i, 1677.
A BARGAIN.
"Ix's VXRY DKAB, MB. ISAACS ! Now, is IT REALLY, RSALLY OLD?"
" REALLY OLD, MA'AM ! WHY, IT 'a so ROTTEN THAT IT COMES TO PIECES IF YOU ONLY TRY TO PICK IT w ! LOOK 'ERE ! "
[ Young Lady, who only cares for what is really old, is convinced, and buys the Rug.
ECHOES FROM THE STAMBOUL ST. STEPHEN'S.
FIEST SITTING.
" Whatever may be said in praise of the grand Audience Hall of the Dolma-
Baghtche, its acoustic properties must be left out of the commendation. An
echo worse than that which necessitated the use of a velarium, in a certain
hall on the western outskirts of the British capital, resounds through the
great chamber of the marble palace on the Bosphorus. No such expedient as
a velarium having suggested itself to the authorities exercising control over
the proceedings, the Secretary's utterances were nearly unintelligible. The
Speech, which was very long, gave a history of the formation of the Turkish
Constitution, insisted on the necessity of reform, enumerated many laws, and
specially promised a review of the financial position of Turkey."
Daily Telegraph,
On, a % for the Speech ! Mr. Punch's sharp ear
Was a-cock for that Echo ; an Echo as queer
As ever a Pat answered patly.
Its report was the thing that the Sage overheard,
Whilst the Deputies squatted in postures absurd,
And on ears of which few comprenended one word
The SULTAN'S palaver fell flatly.
And what, as he gazed on those smoke-puffing ranks,
Did Mr. Punch hear P Well, a turning of cranks
A sort of queer clookworky grinding ;
As though an automaton caucus were there,
Very stiff in the joints and much out of repair,
And a Showman, unused to the work, with all care
Were the motive machinery winding.
He heard a strange sound, too, half chuckle half groan,
Above the wigged Speaker's monotonous drone.
As he summarised, promised, exhorted :
And, well, Mr. Punch from mis-statement would shrink,
But if such a thing as a general wink
Might be rendered in sound, he 'd be tempted to think
That also the Echo reported.
Then he thought he heard History shaking her head
At the SULTAN'S " historical facts," as 'tis said
She would do, in old days, 'at DISEAELI.
Then a chorus of Bondholders howled in his ear
At the Padishah's views of finance ; one may fear
As a GLADSTONE'S or GOSCHEN'S they were not so clear,
Though glibly reeled out, if not gaily.
When he spake of Reform that rude Echo laughed loud ;
But the mirth seemed to struggle with groans from the crowd
Of Slav millions yet ruled from the Bosphorus.
" Reform ! " wailed the voices, " when Pashas still_sway,
With legions of Bashi-Bazouks in their pay,
And Policy bids us with patience to stay,
While the diplomates play piteh-and-toss for us ? "
When the thanks of the SULTAN to Allah arose,
That Echo most surely held finger to nose
(If Echoes have noses and fingers),
So sly and so nasally 'cute was its tone.
As it said " Well, suppose we leave Allah alone,
While murder and lust stain our country's hearth-stone,
And corruption among us still lingers."
But when the Speech preferred Turk friendship all round,
The Echo returned such a composite sound
Of doubt, indignation, and laughter,
That the Bear-Garden Palace seemed fidl of the row.
So Punch made the Echo his very best bow,
And left Dolma-Baghtche, not caring, somehow,
To listen to aught that came after.
STOCK EXCHANGE REFORM. Restore the parochial Stocks and
also the Pillory, put the greater rogues amongst the Stock-Specu-
lators, Riggers, Ringers, Promoters, and Bubble-Blowers into the
one, and the lesser if there be any in the other.
1
o
o
I
bd
o
CO
H
CO
n
7 1 v
MABCH 31, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
141
ARRIVALS OF BRITISH BIRDS.
ETWEF.N the Stock Exchange
and Ix>mbard Street Green
Geese have been observed
in considerable flights,
following each other's lead
aa usual.
I.ame Ducks have also
been met with.
Several Larks have been
dropped upon by the Police
near the Haymarket, and
more than the usual number
of Gaol-birds and Roughs
may be expected during the
suburban spring meetings.
Thrushes have been seen
at TATTERSALL'S, but not
encouraged.
Flocks of Hawks and
Pigeons flutter unmolested
about the head-quarters of
the principal race meetings,
and have even been seen as
near aa Hnrlingham and
Samlown Park.
Turtle Doves will pair
freely after Lent.
Nightingales may be expected early in April. Their notes pro-
mise to be higher than ever.
Rooks and Jackdaws may be looked for at the Levees.
Another Train dashes pat.
Km/til liny Clerk (shouting with merriment). Well I never ! And
what did HILL say to that ?
Charles. Well of course this made BILL very shirty, so he says,
says he ( Violent ringing of the signal-bell.) Hallo ! what 's
the row now ?
Small Soy Clerk (at telegraph). Oh, nothing very much only a
fatal accident. We have lots of 'em on our line. Go on.
Charles. And BILL says, says he, " I '11 eat mymif nd the
elephant too if it ain't SAMMY'H old bull territ r ! "
[Scene closes in, amidst peals nf laughter.
DYING WITH LAUGHTKi;.
SCENB The Interior af it Jlni/imii/ Signal- Sax. Small Boy Clerk
discovered Chatting with his Friend.
Small Soy Clerk. It was very good of you, CHARLIE, to come to
cheer me up a bit. After twelve hours' duty one gets awfully
lonely. (Electric signal-bell rings.)
Charles (his Friend). I say, Old Man, don't you think you ought
to find out what they want at the next station ? That 's the fourth
time that blessed bell has been set a-ringing!
Small Soy Clerk. Oh ! it 's only some chaff or other. They are
always up to their torn-foolery.
Train dashes past.
Charles. Hallo! what's that?
Small Soy Clerk (scratching his head). Well, I don't exactly
know. It 's either the mail, or an extra special, or the relief. You
see, while I was talking to you (Signal-bell ringt.) Confound
that fellow there he is up to his pranks again !
Charles. I say, oughtn't you to see what it 's all about ? Come,
show us how you work the thing.
Small Soy Clerk. All right ! Look here ! You take the handles
like this, and work 'em so.
Charles. What does ho want?
Small Jitiy Clerk. Oh ! some bosh about when the train 's left.
He 's always at his nonsense. Just you take the handles, and work
'em so. (Charles obeys.) There, that will shut him up !
Charles. What have you telegraphed P
Another Train dashes past.
Small Sou Clerk (laughing). Oh, it means " All right ! "
Charles. But, I say. supposing the line 's blocked F
Small Soy Clerk. Well, then it will serve him jolly well right
for playing the fool. And now tell us that story that you began
just now.
A third Train dashes past.
Charles. Well, it teas great larks! You see we got the dog
quietly down to the back of the public, and there we met BILL
SIMMONDS. Says BOX., " Is the match on ?" " Yes," says I, " if
you can only get big enough rats."
Two more Trains dash past.
Small Soy Clerk (laughing). That was a good nn ! But stay a
moment ; I don't [understand these trains. I 've been so long on
duty I 'm getting quite confused. (Telegraphs.) There, now I hare
asked him what 's the matter. (Needles work.) There, what did I
tell you P he's always playing the fool. He's answered back,
"All right ! " Well, I can't help it. Go on. If the rats are only
big enough yes P
Charles. So TOMMY comes np and says, gays he, " Call that a dog?
why he 's more like an elephant." Well of course we all roared
at that.
SAVE THE CHILD I
THE Third Schedule of the Education Code, 1H77 (Needlework),
requires the following from Infants, age three to fire :
'Position drill, humming, simple, on strips, beginning with black cotton,
ruing to red, and goinp on to blue.
II' mimnjr, simple and counter, to show any garment which can be made
entirely by thee, e.g., a child's common pinafore."
Imagine a class of thirty infants from three to five, each armed
with a needle, and superintended by a somewhat larger infant in
the shape of a pupil-teacher, aged fourteen, all working out my
Lords' sentence to make their own pinafores ! We all know that
children between these ages look on buttons, peas, and similar small
objects as stoppers for the nose and ears, and on thimbles and
marble* as nourishing things to swallow. Who can say what may
be the consequences of arming these enterprising little experi-
mentalists with pins and needles? Perhaps it is to prevent any
catastrophe from this marvellous regulation that the KHEDIVE
.TIT has chosen this moment to make the British nation a present
of Cleopatra's Needle, which is biff enough to do all the sewing for
all the elementary schools of the kingdom. But this is not all my
Lords lay down in that way of that stitch in time, which, let UH hope,
may save nine hereafter. Children from five to seven are expected to
do hemming, seaming, felling, pleating, and knitting," and at twelve
or thirteen to be proficient in all branches of needlework, knitting,
and cutting out.
If my Lords don't succeed in sewing up the children by these
wonderful regulations, they will the teachers.
Who would be a Governess P
WHAT is the difference between a Servant and a Governess P This
is not a conundrum, but a question that arises after the perusal of
the following advertisement :
HOUSEMAID (young) WANTED, immediately, to assist Governess.
Apply, &c.
The next domestic Wanted will be a Governess to help the House-
maid, or possibly the Cook, in her duties, till at last, as education
spreads, Governess becomes synonymous with Maid-of-all-work.
Our Boat-race Prophecy.
PROPHETIC Punch! laat vreek saw plain expressed,
How Light and Dark Blue passed the Ship abreast ;
Behold, this week the prophecy comes true.
In the dead-heat 'twist ftoyal and Sky-blue!
Equality Underground.
AimrABVBHTpfG on the Ministerial Burials Bill, the Jfoneon-
f or mitt complains that
" It is bread the Nonconformists ask for, and they bare flung to them a
stone."
But if that stone'is a headstone in a National Churchyard , it should
surely go a great way to satisfy reasonable Nonconformists.
OCULIST KVIUK.V'OE.
" IGNATTRFF a humbug ? " Let LIEBUEICII make reply :
Say, Doctor, hod the General not something in his eye P
" ROYAL " COMMISSION OK STOCK EXCHANGE TRANSACTIONS.
BARON ROTHSCHILD'S boons on the recent Imperial purchase of Suez
Canal Shares.
THE FEAST OF ALL FoOUI. More than is good for them.
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MABCII 31, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANGLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE DE LESTER-SCOU^EE.)
LE chagrin stimulait tant (dit-on)
L'appetit de la chaste Didon,
Qua la fuite d'Ene"e
La belle de'laisse'e
Dina du dos d'un dodu dindon !
UN Marin naufrage" (de Doncastre)
Four priere, au milieu du ddaastre,
liojxStait it genouz
Cea mota simplea et douz :
"Scintillez, scintillez, petit aatre I "
UN vieux duo (le meilleur des ^poux)
Demandait (en lui tatant le pouls)
A sa vieille duchesse
(Qu'un vieux catarrhe oppresse) :-
" Et ton th^, t'a-t-il 8te ta toux "
Autrefois, en voyant deux athletes
Se polichineller leurs deux t4tes,
MONSIBUE PONCH leur a dit :
" Routitoutitoutt I
Quels atouts reguliera vous deux Stea I "
MARCH 31, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
143
AN AFTER-THOUGHT.
Near-sighted, but hard-riding Gentleman. " JUMPED OVER SOMI FELLOW IN THAT DITCH 1 STRIKES ME IT WAS MY SON TOM!"
MRS. PARTINGTON'S ALLOCUTION.
In hum&'e imitation of that recently fulminated by her Venerable Friend
at the Vatican.
"The POI-B pronounced a brief allocution, affirming with greater vehe-
mence the declarations made by him in the allocution of the 12th hut , and
adding that ho would raise a protest before the whole world against the
" ! to deprive him of liberty of speech."
attempt that waa being made I
Matty Telegraph.
WELL, I pities the POPE, that I does ; which his doctrines is down-
right and manly,
(And not merely moonshine and mist, like the trash of that mealy-
mouthed STANLEY) :
To hear him a dealing out cusses, and letting fly adjectives-
whoppers I
Must comfort and 'stablish true hearts, and give infidel consciences
croppers.
The way us Old Parties is treated is daily becoming more horrid ;
In wain 'do our protests wax louder, our metyfors more and more
florid.
My broom 's no more use than a bullrush ; dear Pius's ban ain't
much stronger ;
And as for the old Tory rattle, they daren't even shake it no longer !
The "World will not heed its Old Women, in bombazine, True-Bine,
or Scarlet ;
But me, MRS. GAMP, and the POPE, is mere butts for each wioious
young warlet.
We weeps and deplores and protests, shake our besom.'our Bull, or
our gingham,
But cannot to decency drive 'em, nor, much more, to betterment
bring 'em.
They tramples all rights under-foot, like a herd of mad swine
which they are it !
The flood of the red revolution sweeps on, and our wailings won't
bar it.
They prigs all our places and perks, all our prophecies turns into
mockery,
And smashes up Customs and Creeds, Crowns and Churches, like so
much old Crockery.
They forges iniquitous ties may they twist into knots as '11 hang
'em!
They laughs when we beg and beseech, and they sets up their backs
when we slang 'em ;
They cuts down our powers and properties ruthless, the bragian
brutes do !
Tearing up our " beneficent plants," which they now is but plants,
by the roots, too.
Their papers, and pamphlets, and speeches a plague on the whole
wicked lot of 'em !
Insinivates falsehoods against us, till thousands is gulled by the rot
of 'em.
The villanies vomited forth that 's the word from their platforms
and presses,
Mean mischief in every line, and must end in the awfnllest messes.
True for you, my poor Prr/8 1 a prisoner, pent by fell foes in the
Vatican !
I sympathise much with your woes, I can feel for your sufferings,
that I can.
All the world, save ourselves, is gone wrong in its creeds and its
laws and its politics,
And Civilisation's new clock to the tune of delirious folly ticks.
And now they would tie up our tongues, as the werry last weapons
they 've left us ;
But, drat 'em ! they shan't stop our talk, who of all other bliss have
bereft us.
There 's comfort in cussing all round us Old Women it cheers and
rejoices
To know, though our hands they have shackled, they can't pnt the
gag on our woices.
WHAT FOOLS FEAR FROM VACCINATION. De-Jenner-acy.
144
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 31, 1877.
THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."
Squire (desiring to improve the taste of Us Country Friends, has introduced at hi
table in the place of the usual brandied Spanish ami. Portuguese, wines, the natura
vintages of France and Germany). " Now, MB. BAKLEYMBAP, HOW BO YOU LIK
THIS 'CHATEAU LAJITTE 1 ? ANOTHER GLASS "
Farmers. "THANKY, SIE ; IT'S UNCOMMON NICE. (lie had drunk a bottle or
two.) Bui WE DON'T SEEM TO GET NO FORRUDSK I ! "
THE CREWS AND COLOURS;
Or, After the Dead-Heat. By Kmi HUP, ESQ.
I AM a Coster well to do ;
I keeps my cart and donkeys two.
And daily drives 'em up and down
The road 'tween ' Ammersmith and Town.
And every blessed year, the Blues,
Of Oxford and of Cambridge Cre.ws,
On every think wot passes by,
Continually arrests my heye.
'Taint only nateral for the gals
To wear 'em, cos they loves fal-lals.
But likewise all the t'other sex
Got ribbons round their 'ats and necks.
There 's colours nigh the 'andle tips
Of all the cab and busmen's whips ;
And one or t'other bow appears
As well about each oss's ears.
But bein of himparshal mind,
Nor more to neither side inclined,
I sports an 'atband for one Crew,
With fogle of the rival blue.
And also to keep up the joke,
Light Blue and dark on either moke ;
And every party passin' we,
Applauds, and cries, " There goes them Three :
But this 'ere time we three was right
In sportin' dark and also light ;
Although we did it hall for fun :
As neither on 'em lost nor won !
Lessons in Massacre.
(For Young Ladies.)
How to smile, and murder while yovi smile.
How to look die-away while busy in destroying.
How to have a fellow's heart out of him in no time.
How to be the death of any number of partners.
How to cultivate Fccil assassin, in toilette de matin, de
promenade, de voiture, et de soir, respectively.
(Taught in easy lessons, by Mr. Punch, to such pretty
girls as may honour him with their confidence.)
A GOOD EXAMPLE.
"He [Da. SCHLIBMANN] was attracted to the lady who is now Mils. SCHLIE-
MANN by her ability to translate the ' Song Divine,' and has since cultivated
her powers by refusing in their walks to enter upon other subjects before she
had repeated a certain number of lines." Times, March 17.
ALREADY we hear from every side of the good effects produced by
this excellent peripatetic example. It is rapidly influencing other
couples. Its beneficial operation upon hearts which know and under-
stand each other can hardly be over-estimated. Here are one or two
instances, selected at random, of its marvellous working in this short
space of time. . m
MR. and MBS. STANHOPE GATES regularly when they are in lown
take a walk together every morning in Kensington Gardens after
breakfast. They now enter upon none of the ordinary topics of con-
versation until MRS. GATES has recited, to the satisfaction of her
husband, either a scene from SHAKSPEARE, or one ol MILTON s
minor poems.
MB. MONTAGU TUBTLE and Miss JULIET DOVE have lately become
engaged, and never miss a dair without spending some portion of it
in each other's society. If it is fine, they meet in the Park, or the
" Grove," or on the Embankment. If the weather is unfavourable
to outdoor mutual adoration, MONTAGU calls at the house of JULIET'S
Aunt. He is a devout scholar of CARLYLE and RUSKUT, and it has
now become the inexorable rule that, after the first greetings, not
another word shall be spoken until darling JULIET the most
amiable girl breathing, but wanting, perhaps, a little cultivation-
has repeated a selected passage from one of the two great authors
just mentioned.
See ! MB. and MRS. GREY MAYOB pacing up and down the well-
kept paths of their roomy garden before luncheon. He raises his
sonorous voice, he uses gesture, emphasis, action ! She, a superior
woman, an intellectual being, a keen politician, listens eagerly with
rapt attention to the latest leader on the Peace Negotiations, which
I MR. OBEY MAYOR has been busy since breakfast learning by heart
Thosattece sisters EMMBLINE andHEBMioNE agreed at once to
convert their daily rides into a source of intellectual enjoyment and
improvement, instead of making them an occasion of frivolous
gossip about parties, amusements, the milliner's art, and butterfly
novefs. Between canters, they repeat to each other alternately
passages from their favourite poets and philosophers, both home and
foreign and now and again they rem up their steeds beneath the
stately trees and read translations of some of the choicest examples
of melody, diction, and profundity.
The youV Ladies who are finishing their education under the eye
of Hiss DE COBAM, have voluntarily determined to devote the farst
half of the hour allotted for noonday recreation m the spacious
grounds attached to Lawn Mansion, to questioning each other on
the leading events in Grecian and Roman History. .
ROWLAND TUXFORD is enchanted with the prospect. He is going
again to Thistlebury, this next long Vacation, to read at the
Vicarage, and foresees that it will not be distasteful to the eldest
daughter of the house to listen to him, m their country rambles,
while he pours forth long quotations from his favourite author-
EUCLID. =====
Our Novel Series. (To the Public.)
UP to the present time the 'successful competitor has been cer-
tainly ME. PL-MS-LL. We await with anxiety the nrst instalment
of SIB W-LFR-D L-WS-N'S contribution. We have not yet been put
in possession of the title, but, from a hint that has been dropped m
our Office, we fancy that we shall not he tar out in announcing the
name of the Novel in question as
"0 HESEBVOIE: A STOBT OF WATERLOO."
It will appear immediately after the Recess.
API ii. 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIilVARI.
143
THE ROUND OF THE STUDIOS.
-*"''' f<-i!/ (I* Child of the Bouse.) "Tin MB, LITTIK BOY, WAS IT YOUB
" COPT " m
COPT " m ' Lcc
CWW o/<A //OIM (in grc at trepidation). " Boo-Hoo-OO-oo I WANT NUMBT !
SOMKI'.ODVS
DURING the EUM.T Holidays MH. <;I.AHSTONB will
deliver Addresses on the Murials Kill, the !' r
Question, and WILLIAM CAXTON.
It has transpired (through a lu-yhole) that Ma. GLAD-
STOKE IH about to make his appearance in an entirely new
arena of distinction. His spare moments are all devoted to
:!' oompletionof a large oil painting (an Homeric Subject)
which lie will contribute to the new Grosvenor Gallery.
Immediately after the recess MB. GLADSTONE will hold
with the members of the Stock Exchange
i tin ir present position and future prospects.
M R. < . i x busy with a paper for the New Shaks-
peare Society "ii " SHAKSPEARE'S Political Opinions."
MIL GLADSTONE'S next Lecture to tlie Members of the
Hawardtm Mechanics' Institute will deal with that dis-
puted question, " Tin: li.itauy of the Moon."
One of the Friday livening Meetings of the Royal
Institution will probably be given up to a paper by
Mi;. GI.UISTOXK on " Easter Eggs, and the Way to
Hatch 'Km.''
As' President of the Hawarden Cricket Club, MR.
GLADSTONE has undertaken to revise and remodel the
Rules of that body.
" Pulpits and Preachers" is the attractive title of the
Lecture which MR. GLADSTONE will deliver in Exeter
([all in May, to the Young Men's Mutual Edification
Society.
MR. GLADSTONE'S journey to Sweden, to investigate
the Gothcmburg system as advocated by MH. CHAMIIKU-
r .Aiir, M.I* V is postponed until the summer.
Negotiations are pending with MH. GLADSTONE- for an
Address to be spoken on the opening of Her Majesty's
Theatre.
Ma. GLADSTONE'S next article in the Enlightened
e-.M>, ( will be on "Welsh Mammalia, including the
Letters from MB. GLADSTONE in answer to corre-
pondents on Easter Dues, Churchwardens' Elections.
he respective merits of Apollinaris and Taunus Water
he FoDc-Lore of Hot Cross Buns, Deep-Sca Soundings'
he rival claims of Scotch and Irish Whiskey, the exact
meaning of Protocol, the proper pronunciation of IGNA-
IEFF, &c., will shortly appear in the public papers.
Celebrities I Don't Want to Know.
THAT scandal-loving old sinner MBS. GBUNDT.
DUKE HUMPHHBT'S Chefde Cuisine.
The President of the Hanging Committee Jack Ketch.
And the Lion-Comique, the flatness of whose voice is
nly equalled by the stateness of his matter.
IN MEMORIAM.
lane <%ibetj|
uitor.
i 2 l JKTE&b I'M?', ? he y? e Walk > Chehea, on Saturday,
; Buried at WoUmg Cemetery, Monday, March 2G.
BS " 1 "
f H' "w ter f ?,? AS HnonES . Q-C-, and daughter-in-
of the late NASSAU W. SENIOR, was appointed by the RIGHT
HONOURABLE JAVKS SIASS, >-,..,, President of the Local ^overnmenl
Board, first, in February, 1873, temporary Assistant Inspector, and
B January 18,4, permanent Inspector of the Department, to
inquire, and reporf, especially, on the female departments of
Workhouses and Workhouse Schools, and the care and education
"" t he ?. ur , 8illK of infants ' She was forced
8he dl ^ to resign this employment in
Nor for the bright face we no more shall see,
.Not tor the sweet voice we no more shall hear ;
JNot lor the heart with kindness brimming o'er
Large charity, and sympathy sincere.
These are not things that ask a public pen
To bla/on its memorial o'er her name
But, that in public work she wrought with men,
1 faced their frowns, and over-lived their blame.
Yet never swerved a hair's breadth from the line
ut woman s softness, gentleness, and grace ;
But brought from these an influence to refine
Rough tasks and squalid, and there leave its trace.
Honour to him who in a sneering age,
Braved quip and carp and cavil, and proclaimed
A woman's fitness pauper needs to gauge,
In purpose strong, in purity unshamed.
For paupers too have sex : the workhouse walls
Hold mothers, maidens, and girl-babes, on whom
A woman's eye with woman's insight falls,
Sees its own ways for sunlight to their gloom.
And so this noble and brave lady turned
From glad life, luxury, and thronging friends
That hung on her sweet voice, and only yearned
To guide her holy work to useful ends.
But Death to Life begrudged her, striking down
Hi r task unfinished from her willing hands,
Leaving to women yet to come the crown
Of her left life's-work, that for others stands.
Then lay and leave her in her quiet grave,
Where the sun shines undimmed, the rain falls clear,
And birches bend, and deodaros wave
Evergreen arms of welcome o'er her bier.
INTRA CT EXTBA.
TUFT are talking about a newly-discovered Infra - Mtrruriul
Il'ift. We are watching the last-discovered /Mw-Merourml
Planet. It is called, GLADSTONE."
VOL. LXX1I.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
7, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(Extracted from the Spirit of PBPYS.)
. ~^ - move for a Select Committee (Friday,
March. 23, Lords) to inquire into the powers of Commissioners of bewers,
Drainage and Navigation Boards, and how they might best and cheapest be
set to work for hindering of floods, and storing of waters. Nor, indeed,
before 'tis need thereof, now that both Thames-side, and so much of the
Midland parts has been flooded till bodies have scarce had dry lying^ in the
churchyards, and the spirits that belonged to them have been, as it were,
but spirits-and-water at best. And, methinks, the Government is this time
for shutting the door strangely soon after the stealing of the horse. Yet tis
but a Select Committee ; so that, I doubt not, it will be long enough before
they come to doing anything. Only if Englishmen were wise, methinks, between the plagues of too much and too little water, which is
floods and droughts, they would devise means for storage of rains, and so letting either prevent the other. But, strange, how long
it do take to get things first beaten into your Englishman's head, and thence beaten out again into act.
In the Commons a great stir as of a good bout of buffets looked for, and I in my place early, and mighty pleased at th
about the lobbies and in the House. And most Members did put of! their Motions, to make way for MB. I-AWCETT the blind gentle
man that cannot see things in his way like another, and so will not be turned aside, but standeth the most sturdy to his point 1 ever
did see. And I like him ; for, indeed, there are few such : and a clear, strong speaker withal, and doth not see when men are weary
or angry with his speaking ; so hard to stop. . . ,, . ,,
Only before he come to it was but dull talk of the two Members of Chelsea, for giving more Polling-time from eight in the morning
to eight of the evening. Against which I can see no reason, nor have heard none ; and methinks, now so many have votes, it is weu
should have the most convenient time to give them, which is after four of the clock for most workmen. I well content the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER should grant a Committee on the matter j only mighty vexed by the delay of the brisker business looked tor tram tins
FAWCETT, that should raise the Eastern Question again to-night, for the last time of raising before Easter.
And at last SIR CHARLES DILKE got aside, but not easily, for he is one that loves to be talking ; and no division taken, bet ore * AWCETT
come to his speech. And it do me good to hear one so downright in these over trimming and timid times. And do call a spade by it
APRIL 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
147
DOMESTIC TRAINING.
SOUTH OF IRELAND.
District Visitor. " WELL, MRS. MURPHY, I 'M GLAD TO HEAR TOUR DAUOHTBB HAS GOT A PLACE AS PARLOUR-MAID. Do YOU
THINK SHE *LL BE UP TO THE WORK ? "
Mrs. Murphy. "An, THitr, WHY WOULDN'T SHE! SURE, ISN'T BHK USED TO THE WAYS AT HOME?"
name as plain as ever I hoar ; and did so handle this Eastern trouble
that he did make it appear England hath played the most poor and
pitiful part therein that Government ever had, showing how my LORD
DERBY had passed his word to bring about better handling for the
Christians under rule of the Turk, and thereunto had used brave,
big words, only no force at the back of them ; and so all is fallen
into the hand of the Muscovite, that is for backing a word with a
blow. And, for my part, for anything I do see or hear, I cannot see
how the Turk is to be stirred otherwise. And so this brave, blind
Mtt. FAWCETT did end by moving that Turkish promises of reform be
useless without guarantees, and that the misrule of the Turk will
continue till these guarantees be gotten.
And indeed I do myself well believe it is so : and would have
voted for FAWCETT, had I been in the House, and would have had
the House vote with him. Only the Government do carry it with
a high hand, as having a clear majority of voices, and therein many
more lovers of the Turk than of the Christians under his rule, and I
did now see why they had stopped SIR CHARLES DILKE'S mouth with
a Select Committee, and so put off a division, that they might now
force FAWCETT to one, as knowing he would be well beaten. Which
my LORD HAaTiuoioy perceiving, said that he would not vote on
such a division, though he did subscribe to ME. FAWCETT'S speech
and motion, only would not have it put now, since it said but
what the Government stood to, so far as words go, which is,
indeed, as far as they stand to anything.
And MR. GLADSTONE did speak mighty well and to the same tune
as MR. FAWCETT, only sharper and stronger and brisker and fiercer
all at once, as is his wont : that it did stir me sometimes like the
sound of a trumpet. And did say .'well that the question he would
have answered was, how lonff the words of Europe should continue
mere words? A question which, methinks, all should wish to have
answered, that see whatsis going on under the Turk. And did
clearly show how the Turkish Christians do lie under our guard
since our last war against the Muscovite.
And, after, one BUTLER JOHNSTONS did speak up for the Turk, so
stoutly that I wondered. And did prophesy how, perhaps, a few
years hence, England and Turkey would be the only countries in
Europe that would have Law and not Force to govern them. Which
I did admire, for the boldest thing, I think, I did ever hear said by
a man in his sound mind.
And after him one RYLANDS, a rough, rasping, northern man, that
I do not love to hear, spoke his mind of SIR HENRY ELLIOT, and BO
did draw rebuke from a smooth young spark, one Sra HKNRY WOLFF,
but one that methinks do look and speak more like a lamb, only very
hot for the Turk, and against ME. GLADSTONE, as one who hath held
two minds and two tongues in this Eastern matter. And at last MR.
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to his legs, and was for driving
FAWCETT to division, after much and loud crowing over him, and
those that went with him, that they durst not face an issue in the
House ; after whom one did move the adjournment of the House,
and thereon a scuffling fight betwixt those that were for dividing and
those that were for adjourning, till the House as like the bear garden
on Bankside as ever I see. I oft-times locked out in the lobby, by
reason of divisions, and falling asleep there was chid for it by
one of the constables, and so was fain to creep away with my ears
hanging at nigh on three in the morning, and the House not up then,
but still fighting.
Saturday. Both Houses did sit a while this morning to clear up
loose ends of business against the Easter holidays.
Monday. My Lords did pass the Consolidated Bill through its
various stages, for which piece of work five Lords, methinks, were
enough.
(Common*.) I do see the House is not like the Law, of which it
is said in the books, " de minimis non curat" For sure the House
of Commons curat de minimis. Thus to-night was a long and grave
question of a silly fop of a Clergyman that would have a little girl
put away from the village school, because she bobbed not her curtsey
to his wife. Which, though it were a pitiful thing in that foolish par-
son, yet, methinks, was yet more pitiful in the House to be making
148
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1877.
question of. And so said my LOHD SANDON, and would have Mem-
bers come to the Offices to ask about such small matters ; and so I
think they were best do.
MB. FORSTEB did ask a question of the persons it was proposed to
amnesty for part taken in the Bulgarian business, wherein, after
much writing of my LOKD DERBY, is, as usual, no satisfaction, only
no one to be heard of that hath yet been brought to account by the
Turk, except poor Christian Bulgarians, that do come by cuffs from
all, but most from the Zaptiehs, as they do call their constables,
and must see their women beaten and wronged, and cattle taken,
and houses burnt about their ears, and then pay their taxes twice
over, and afterwards, if they grumble, be clapped in prison.
For the which the Turk do talk of giving them an amnesty, which
do puzzle me.
Then the House to the Prisons Bill, which was stayed by two pes-
tilent Irish Members, between whom hard to say if one BIGGAR, or
one POWELL the more vexatious.
And at last, at one of the clock, BIGGAB did move to report pro-
gress, for that many on the Government Bench were asleep, which
indeed was so, and I marvel not.
Tuesday. To-night my Lords did break up to their Easter holi-
days ; and, metbinks, have well earned them, sitting as they will
do oft-times for half-an-hour at a stretch, and not in a crowded
house, and among merry company like the Commons, but few of
them in a great room, and mighty dull, for the most part ; 80 that,
methinks, I do pity my LORD BEACONSFIELD.
In the Commons talk of new outrages by the Turk near Adrianople.
Then a passage between Mu. GLADSTONE and SIB D. WOLFF,
touching the letter that the one had written the other in a news-
paper, rebuking him for garbling words of MR. GLADSTONE'S, to make
it seem he had neld two ways about the Turk and his doings. And
SIK DRTTMMOND WOLFF do hold it inconvenient that Members should
be written to by Members, and between such would have only speech
in the House.
Long talk thereon, and MR. GLADSTONE did give good reason why,
to save time of the House, it were well sometimes to write to a
Member in the newspaper rather than speak to him in the House,
where is too much speaking already ; and I am of his mind. And
he did justify what he had written mighty well, and did show that
he hath not kept two ways ; whereat I am glad, for though he do
talk and write too much, and on too many matters, I do love to see
how stout and strong of heart ME. GLADSTONE is, and how ready to
speak up for all poor and oppressed persons and causes that be held
down, and most of all by the Turk.
Then further debate touching SIB HENRY ELLIOT, whom one
RYLAHDS, that I love not, but herein do see he spoke true enough,
did charge as a friend of the Turk, and one through whom was
little hope of any countenance beinjf kept by us against the Turk's
misdeeds, or of any bold calling of him to answer. And for all that
ME. BTJEKE and ME. COCHRANE did maintain, I do think it is as
RYLANDS do say, and that SIB HENBY ELLIOT must needs be more
like to stroke down the Turk, than to rub him against the hair,
seeing that has been his way for all the years he has been about the
Grand Turk's Court. And so said GLADSTONE ; and I see not how it
can be otherwise. Only none do say other than that SIB HENRY is a
mighty honest gentleman, and means well.
But we know the place that well-meaninga do go to the paving
of, and I do think, Turkey just now is, after that place, the bravest
in the world for such paving, and SIR HENBY ELLIOT do seem well
content therewith. But for walking on, I have always heard that
the paving in Constantinople is the worst that a man need wish. And
so, methinks, it will be, till some other than the Turk takes it in
hand. And so the House up for its Easter holiday, with more words
about the Eastern Question, that hath already had so many.
A WONDEKFUL WHISKEY.
A REMARKABLY good thing in Whiskeys is offered by advertise-
ment to the British Public, including, apparently, by implication the
Lnited Kingdom Alliance. We are informed that "it is recom-
mended by the Medical Profession throughout the Kingdom as the
pure and safe alcoholic stimulant." Also, that it "is thoroughly
free from fusel oil, and every gallon guaranteed is equally pure.
(The purchaser, then, had best see that his gallon is guaranteed,
or that his smaller quantity has been derived from a guaranteed
gallon.) A medical contemporary pronounces it "wholesome and
pleasant." A second medical journal describes it as " a safe stimu-
lant." A third avers that it is "very wholesome," and "maybe
safely used." A fourth declares it to be " invaluable as an alcoholic
stimulant." A fifth calls it " the purest of alcoholic stimulants."
A sixth terms it "an excellent dietetic stimulant." A seventh
styles it a safe stimulant." An eighth goes so far as to affirm that
all who value health should use it." By four several physicians
it is characterised as the "purest whiskey I ever examined," " free
from all injurious substance," "wholly free from all impurities,"
and " very wholesome and of fine quality." If these encomiums are
merited, what a very diii'erent spirit the whiskey which has gained
them must be from every other ! Unless indeed it is really true
that MYNHEER VAN DUNK was, as is related of him in the Tempe-
rance Glee, accustomed to preserve uniform sobriety on brandy-
and-water, in the proportions of "two quarts of the first to a pint
of the latter daily." In that case there may be imagined some
comparison between the whiskey recommended by the Faculty as
above, and VAN DUNK'S brandy. Certainly a spirit so salubrious as
that whiskey is made out might well challenge the denomination of
aqua titee, or eau de vie.
The best of this eximious whiskey is that nobody can ever get
drunk on it. This is what must commend it to the patronage of all
the Temperance Societies. No Teetotaller can object to a whiskey
which, though an alcoholic, is not an intoxicating liquor.
A whiskey with which you may brew the draught that cheers
but not inebriates as well as you can with Kaisow or any other
Chinese grocery, is well and neatly denominated "Encore Whiskey."
By "encore," of course is meant capable of repetition, the same
indefinite repetition as gingerbeer, soda-water, lemonade, sherbet,
or any other beverage obtainable at a Temperance Tavern ; if not
repetition to the extent of absolutely unlimited goes. Your pitcher,
or Cruiskeen Lawn, of this lovely spirit, may go ever so often to
the well of the Encore water of life, not only without being broken
at last, but without as much as finding its way " down among the
dead men " under the table !
HOLIDAY TASKS.
UNCII begs to append
the list of the tasks he
has set his young and
old friends, during
their Easter Recess.
LOED BEACONS-
FIELD. To write a Novel
upon the Eastern Question,
including a Chapter on Life in the Lords, with'the Motto, " Tadia
ViUe."
ME. GLADSTONE. To furnish Three Volumes of Lay Sermons com-
posed in the Pew for Delivery in the Pulpit, and a Supplement to
the Complete Letter- Writer '.in Twelve Packs of Post Cards.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON. To put new points on all his old jokes for
use in the next discussion upon the Permissive Bill.
MR. CHAMBERLAIN. To stay a few days in Gothemberg, and try
the effect of its Municipal Public hospitalities.
MR. CHAPLIN. To learn by heart My Duty Towards my Neigh-
bour." And to write a Theme, on the Passage "To Bear Myself
Reverently and Lowly Before my Betters."
MB. WHALLEY. To share the apartment of his Friend, " the
Unfortunate Nobleman," on Dartmoor, with a view to testing prac-
tically certain points of Prison Discipline.
DR. KENEALLY. To seek re-election at' the hands of his Stoker
and Poker Constituents.
PROFESSOR FAWCETT. To stay a few days'with LORD HARTTNGTON,
APRIL 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
with a view to comparing notes on Bulgarian Atrocities and British
Parties.
ME. WARD HUNT. To spend two days on the Dockyard Accounts,
the same time in a tour of the Dtvottation't Engines, and the rest
of his holiday in a series of Diving-bell descents to the wreck of the
'
MK. GATHORJTE HAKDY. To work a quarter of an hour daily for
ten days in one of the most crowded ClerkVrooms of the War
Office.
I. <>ui> SALISIIITHY. To square his views on the Eattern Question
with my LOUD BEACON SFIKLD'S.
THXEiXl <>< Xunn. To find the man most unlike SIR Hrs-
ELLIOT, to put in his place at Constantinople.
A x i) MB. PUNCH (the pleasantest talk of all.) To forget ME. BI<;AK,
and to have a week's respite from extracting Parliamentary Egeence.
STEAM ON TRAINWAYS.
DEAR MR. PDNCIT,
Such a friend of the Arts and Sciences as yourself will, I
am sure, l>e pleased to hear how a locomotive driver should proceed
when he takes his train round a curve.
speaking of the late accident to the " Flying Scotchman," the
D*nly Ti'/i'i/raph says :
" There are two methods of running over a curve. Should the driver de-
fide to use the first of these, he gete up a good pace and then, the moment the
curre commences, shuts off his steam, opens his regulator, and to runs round
tin 1 <1 1 rigorous corner with a long, steady, easily-going stroke. Another
method is, a the curve approaches to shorten the stroke of the piston, clap
on full speed, aud pass the turning by trusting more or lew to the category of
chances.
It is somewhat new for a driver to " shut off his steam and open
his regulator," and so obtain " a long, steady, easily-going stroke "
iroin his engine ; but "to shorten the stroke of the piston " !
Old STKVK.VMJ.V was sorry for the "coo," which might come into
collision with his locomotive machinery. What would he say about
the ass who has rim thus dead in its face in the D. T. t
Should the Daily Telegraph ever publish an article on the collid-
ing of two trains, I expect we shall be told how the two engines
reared themselves high on their hind wheels and amidst a Vesuvius
of steam and red-hot cinders struggled for the "back throw,"
whilst their respective trains awaited motionless the impending
" telescoping."
I am, Mr. Punch, yours faithfully,
Aw INDIGNANT PISTON.
FROM PUTNEY TO MORTLAKE.
(y our Lazy Contributor.)
I SEND this in too late for this week. Stick it in the next. Lots
of time. Capital race. Didn't see it. Tell you how. Called of
course at A.M. Delicious snooze in bed. Mem conteia of duty
added the sweetness of stolen fruit to my slumbers.
Called again names this time. LORD TOMMY'S brougham at the
door. TOMMY accepted my humble breakfast coffee and pipes.
Off to Putney. Met the crowds coming back. Were told Oxford
had won. Stopped to telegraph. Five minutes after heard Cam-
bridge had gained the victory. Stopped again to telegraph. TOMMY
paid, you know. On arriving at Putney knew for a fact it was a
dead-heat. Bought the Globe detailing the race. How can these
fellows get up so early ? I couldn't. Arrived at Mortlake. Break-
fast over. In time for lunch, though. Capital lunch. Champagne,
with lots of servants to open it for you. Several pretty girls to do
the talking. Went after lunch to see the boats. River bare.
Towing-path absolutely empty. Might have been the day after.
Flirted in the sun. More champagne. Back to town in TOMMY'S
brougham. Dined with TOMMY at his Club. More champagne. Hot
Room. Dead Heat! and Dead Beat!! Couldn't write copy if I
were paid double for it. Bed at last ! I'll never get up so early
again. Catch me at it !
The Pew and the Pulpit.
UNDEH this title we have been enlightened at the City Temple by
the RIGHT HONOURABLE W. E. G.. the Universal Referee, and others,
as to what the Pulpit demands of the Pew, and the Pew of the Pulpit.
There does not seem much necessity to explain what the Pulpit
requires of the Pew, as Pulpit generally has it all its own way,
without giving Pew a chance of answering. But, perhaps, Pew
might, if allowed a reply, demand soft cushions, easy backs, well-
stuffed hassocks, and a fitteen minutes sermon.
CAXTON IN THE CITY.
RKSII from the
public meeting
held at the Man-
sinn House, in the
Egyptian Hall,
on Monday last
week, Mr. Punch
present* his com-
pliments, together
with those of the
LORD MAYOR, to
;dl citizens ot the
world in general,
and those of Lon-
don in particular,
and begs to invite
their presence at
the CAXTON Cele-
bration, which
will be holden in this
Metropolis next June, to
commemorate the im-
portation by that worthy
into this country, some
four hundred years ago.
of the very best and
Uiggest of German Sausages.
It would be an insult to explain that
CAXTON did not keep a ham-and-beef
shop. The sausage he brought over from Germany was com-
pounded of other than material force-meat. It comprised in poise
all manner of food for the mind instruction in every branch of
Lit' rature. Science, and Art, Religion, Morality, Philosophy, -omtie
trifn'/e, in fact. CAXTON'S wonderful German Sausage wa the Art of
Printing.
Where should we now be but for the Art imported by CAXTON ?
Where MOSES was when he put the candle out. Where our fore-
fathers were in the Dark Ages. What should we do without books
to read ? Read manuscripts, a few of us, here and there, chiefly
Friars, who could get at them the generality doing as their pro-
genitors did, and very much as pigs do doing without.
It is unnecessary for Mr. Punch to point out that CAXTON'S
posterity are more largely indebted to CAXTON than it is possible to
compute. We owe him all our Bibles, and Prayer-Books, and
penny papers and mind, if we had never had our WILLIAM
CAXTON, we never should have had our WILLIAM SHAXSPBAKE.
There is a double bill to pay. The payment is to be rendered partly
in compliment, partly in kind. The CAXTON Celebration win take
the form of a public loan collection of his works, and of British and
foreign antiquities and appliances connected with his art. The money,
expected to accrue from this cosmopolitan exhibition, is to be invested
for the benefit of certain of CAXTON'S most worthy representatives
that is to say, decayed and aged Printers and Widows in connection
with the Printers' Pension, Almshouses, and Orphan Corporation
Asylum. " To secure an attendance commensurate with the national
importance of the occasion," for thus in some part discharging ob-
ligations to CAXTON, Mr. Punch has the pleasure of inviting every-
body who has anything worth being contributed to the Show, to send
it, and especially of asking his fellow-citizens to subscribe their
money and give their attendance at the exhibition, in the name of
tiis and their common Ruler, th Great Lord Mayor of London and
"lity King.
All the Same Thing.
THE Globe, on the day of the Boat-Raoe, hi Ha first edition,
announced,
Oxford, 1 ; Cambridge, 2.
In its third. " Dead-heat." But these are only different ways of
expressing the same thing. No doubt the first announcement should
lave been read,
Oxford won ; Cambridge too.
We gladly acknowledge the Globe's ingenuity in combining ap-
parent variety with its essential characteristic of being "all round
alike,"
In for a Dig.
THE Great Chancellor has given his enemies a handle whereby to
''eave a arf brick" at him. PRINCE BISMAECK proclaims himself
strongly opposed to " Particularism." Thereupon hostile Jesuits
and Ultramontanes can remark " We knew BISMAECK was any-
Wng but particular."
150
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL- 7, 1877.
COMPLIMENTARY.
Dreadful Old Man (who only believes in Professional Music). "I HOPE YOU AMATEUR GENTLEMEN TAKE A HEAL PLEASURE IN
PERFORMING?" Chorus. " CERTAINLY WE DO !"
Dreadful Old Man. "THEN, AT LEAST, THERE is soxs COMPENSATION FOR THE TORTURE YOU INFLICT !"
ON LONDON.
(Contributed by Mr. Punch's Own Victor.)
LONDON is the Lady of Creation. There are many men and women.
There is only one Lady. London is also Light, and Wisdom, and
Courage. The translation of London is " civilisation," also " truth,"
also " honour." Without London the world could not exist. Thus
the world exists for London. Margate may he the Arm of the
human race. Broadstairs may he a Foot. Manchester may he the
Brain. But London is the Heart. Without a heart a man is a brute
heast. Without London England would he nought. With London
England is the whole universe.! It is a great thought, but not too
great for a Londoner.
On Good Friday the whole world eats hot-cross huns. A startling
thought this, and yet true. Why does the whole world eat them r
Because London does. London is the whole world. London is a
living Temple of Fame, a breathing Jupiter, a real Hercules. In
London the Unknown meets and conquers the Known, the Unseen
scorns and subdues the Visible. Is this possible '( Everything is
possible to London not only possible, but probable- - .
There are many coloured vehicles in London, called Omnibuses.
These vehicles are crowded inside and out with great Thinkers.
They move slowly, and sometimes the springs are not as supple as
they might be. And yet these omnibuses are the finest carriages in
the whole world. Scared sceptics ask "Why?" Because omni-
buses are found in London !
A Crossing-sweeper is greater than the proudest King." The
crowned despot loves war. The Crossing-sweeper asks only peace
and coppers. One shuns the light of day. The other carries for
weapons a broom and an armed conscience. Dirt is purer than
dignity. The streets of London require sweeping. The Crossing-
sweepers perform this honourable toil. When it is a fine day, they
electrify the whole world by doing nothing ! Nothing is the labour
of Sages. Nothing is greater than London, and yet London is
greater than everything ! Who can understand this ? Not a King
not a knife-wearing Soldier only a' Londoner can understand
this!
Last week the House of Commons adjourned for the Easter Recess.
Unity is force, and yet division is strength. The Council of the
Nation dissolves, and is as weak as a puny child. Why ? Because
the Council of the Nation is only strong in London. London is
strength and iron and proved steel.
There are cabs in London. What a grand thought ! London has
cabs !
******
[At. this point Mr. Punch, seeing no probable end of Victorious
eloquence, [despatched his Correspondent to Paris, where
his efforts are likely to be better appreciated.
Cock-a-doodle-do !
" Yesterday the last turnpike trust existing between London and Brighton,
a trust which includes the celebrated gate between London and Epsom called
the ' Cock Gate ,' at Button, received notice from the House of Commons
that its existence is to end at a given date." Daily News, Wednesday,
March 28.
MOURN, misanthropes, who hid in pikes 'your head.
A last toll sounds your knell. Away you go !
The game-bird that faced Derby crowds is dead,
And o'er the Cock, that crowed o'er us, we crow !
Roasted Alive Oh!
IN the advertisement for the letting of the Royal Holborn Amphi-
theatre we read that
" Audiences of two and three thousand persons can be cleared in aa many
minutes."
that is, in two and three thousand minutes. "What would happen
in case of a fire !
s !
> /
le
P
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3
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APRIL 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
153
BILL BUNKIT AND THE MASTER-ALARMS.
(A rtal J'ai'cefrom the Engine-room.)
BILL BTOKIT was a stoker, in a British man-o'-war ;
He could "slice up"' with a poker, or shift a down-dropt b&r;'
He was like a salamander, when before a Are he stood,
And no tougher British bull-dog e'er breathed battlt; in his blood.
He could make a piece of gasket,' he could knot, plait, splice, and
point ;
He could clean a fire, or feed one, or make or break a joint ;
He was light and merry-hearted, and obedient to command ;
Knew everything an A.B. should to reef, and steer, and hand.
On deck he was no dutfer, for the downhaul d he did tend ;
He was best oar in the cutter ; good at bowline or at bend ;
A Turk'a-head or a Tom-Fool's knot, to him was simply fun ;
The yard-arm was his station aloft ; on deck, bow-gun.'
But, as nothing lasts beneath the sun, at length there came a change,
And BILL lira KIT he began to growl at all within his range ;
After fifteen years of service, his patience it gave way,
And he swore ho 'd no more shift his rig' a dozen times a day.
" Now look 'ee here, our side," ho said, as once off deck he came,
Perspiring through his jumper, 8 and his forehead in a ilame ;
" If this sail-drill rot was any use, I wouldn't care a cuss ;
But we know as it ain't, and so do they, to make things wusi.
" Nine times to-day we 've left our work, and had to shift out rig
The first to cross to' gallant yards, the next to hoist the gig ;
And now that the darned scurry they call ' smartness,' may amuse,
We 're run to death, to drill at sails as the ship *11 never use.
" For fifteen year I 've weathered 11 the defaulters' book and list, 1
But I don't no longer care a d " (here he came down with his
fist).
" They "11 neither let us stay on deck, nor let us stay below,
And while the ship's work's all adrift, we 're bound to help the
show.
" I only hope JOHN BULL may not be sold another ' pup,'
By being gammoned over, and his eyes with sails bunged up ;
To find at last, and to his cost, things mayn't be what they seem
For though our sails may show sky-high, our sailing's dome by
steam.
" We know the ship can't budge an inch with Engineers that 's slack ;
And some folks would be delighted to catch us ' flat aback,'
Which there 's not a doubt within my mind they very quickly may,
When the British Fleet depends upon ao better men than they."
Then up came JonDi k , and he sea, " Did you mean that?" "I
did,"
Sez BILL. Quoth JOHNDY, " Recollect, I 'ye heard yon term a 'kid'
Your former second in command. Pray, Sir, how dre you laugh ? '
' ' Excuse me, Sir,' ' said BILL, ' ' the word warn't kid but sucking calf."
" Explain yourself," he growled, " or. as you know I am a nipper,
I '11 plank' you straight at seven bells, and bouse" 1 you 'fore the
skipper."
"Well, Sir," said BILL, "from tint one fact the state of things
you '11 gather
The Junior Engineer, tohy he miijht 'a been his father.""
Then Master-at-Arms he lays his hand on BILL, and sez, sez he,
" The more that 's true, the less it ought to pass 'twixt you and me.
But blest if what you says is news. There 's them as ships commands
As knows no more of engines than waisters or green-hands.
" We trust to steam till anchor 's dropped, from the time as anchor 's
weighed :
And the less the sails is looked to, the more fuss aboiit "em 's made.
Blest if I see how skippers, now-a-days, their work 's to do,
Unless, besides their seamanship, they studies stokin' too !
"There was a time, as I 've heard tell, when Navy Captains bold
Warn't no- ways swells like them as now sports Navy blue and gold.
Stir up the fires with the lice or poker.
b I.e. when the bar drops into the ash-pit.
c Plait gasket for packing. d Jib downhaul.
Stokers are forey&rd men, and when gunnery la requisite, are stationed
at the bow, and m small craft, at the pivot-gun.
' " Rig " is a term for dress, and a man going on deck must be in the rig of
the day.
Jumper, the blue or whits frock. ' Kept clear of. ' Black last.
k The Master-at-Arms, the chief of the ship's police.
1 " Planking " is bringing on the quarter-deck.
" Bouse," haul up. Truthis stranger than fie tion .
Sea-bears and sea-dogs they was called ; chewed their quids and
drunk their tlip,
And, in language, wasn't over nice ashore or 'board o' ship.
" And if Engineers is roughish, and Stokers blackish show,
With polishin', I dare fay, as their engines bright they 'd grow :
Till with gun and ward-room officers their place they 'd take and
hold,
Nor, 'acos they 're from the fire-hole, be kept out in the cold."
THE BOLD BRITISH BALLAD.
Being an Efittelary Pnfa.ee to the Revival '* these Pages of an Almott
Lout
SIR, I have long been under the impression that I was born to
supply a want. True, that having been born, I do supply a great
many wants chiefly my own. But that is not what I was poingto say
this is, and here follows my meaning. Sir, the fire of National Poetry
is defunct apparently, at least, it is out. Not to. It sleep* within
this breast. -The coal is still warm ; let me but apply the bellows of
the Divine ajflatiis, and onoe more the flame will blaze forth, and the
sacred altars will be all aglow with the brightness of the True
British Ballad.
Whence came this afflatus I " If yon ask me, I will tell you." I
dipp'd into DIBDIK, but 'twas not there ; and, indeed, since the
days, the glorious days, when the Sallads of the Baltic appeared
in your pages. Sir, the harp that onee delighted the caboose and
cheered the Hearts-of-Oak on a Saturday night at sea, has been
unstrung, has been down a peg or two, and then up a peg or two,
on the wall of my
by the sea. Well, your honour, I was
roaming in maiden meditation, fancy free, down a street not a
hundred miles from the Strand, when I saw a shop-window full of
the good old Catnach Ballads! Four thousand of all sorts, shapes
and sizes, with such illustrations! Sir, the price of these art-
treasures was, need I say it, untold gold. To turn to my dear
friend (who shall be nameless, or else he'd be bored to death with
applications from Well, no matter from whom ; but I don't pro-
pose to kill the prolific $oose until it 's all ora with him), I say,
Sir, to turn to my dear friend, and to borrow the sum requisite for
the purchase of these Ballads, was but the work of a moment ; in
another, I was in the shop, addressing my purveyor of poems, and
buying them by the metre I mean, Sir, literally, by the yard.
Sir. I am going to favour the company with a few songs on this
model. But I must first offer you a sample of the original, in order
that the public, which has long been a stranger to true poetry, may
see that the quality of poetry is not strained through cullenders",
that it is not bound by any rules of rhyme, reason, or metre, but
that, like Genius, it is unfettered, and, like Pegasus, It makes
Liiai>, iijvc vjciiius, it la Uliictlcicu. aiiu, 1I&.C 4 tr^asus, ii> maivcs
small account of its feet, seeing that it possesses wings, for flights of
fancy. The specimen I will give yon is from a soul-stirring ballad,
entitled The Gallant Poacher, which commences with an invita-
tion to
" All you lads of high renown,
That .ove to drink cood ale that 's brown,
That pull the lofty 1'beanant down
With powder, shot, MM! gun,"
154
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1877.
A CAPITAL PLACE.
SCKNE Irish Steeplechase Course. Just Before the Race.
Veteran Sportsman (to Country Cousin). " BEGORRA, JACK, THIS 'UD BE OUR SPOT ; WE'D BE APT TO SEE A CORPSE HERE ] "
I go on, and I read on through the entire poem ; but the inspired
Bard such is the evanescent character of true inspiration, here one
second, and gone the next never states for what purpose he invites
the lads of high renown to come to him, though I gather from the
song that it is in order to relate to them, for the benefit of the
Poaching public, the life and death of his gallant hero.
There are sir verses. I give you the last, as being my model in
future, and as being a specimen of real unfettered genius in the
plenitude of its magnificent liberty :
" The murderous hand that did him kill,
And on the ground his blood did spill,
Must wander sore against his will,
And find no resting place ;
Destructive things,
His conscience stings,
He must wander thro' the world,
And ever feel the smarting thorn,
But pointed at with finger of scorn,
Condemned for to die."
There, Sir ! Aren't you overwhelmed by its grand intense sim-
plicity? TENNYSON! bah! BROWNING! pooh! Pigmies! SOPHOCLES,
EUBTPIBES, not to be mentioned in the same breath with the
glorious Bard, who, with one dash of the hand could sum up the
tortures of the Inferno in these two brief lines
" Destructive things
His conscience stings."
The use of the singular verb after the plural nominative is as
forcible as it is remarkable. Again, is not
" Smarring thorn"
more than Shakspearian ? To my great Tmind, which is gradually
under this tutorship emancipating itself from the trammels of
grammar a difficult'phrase to pronounce often, without calling it
the " grammels of trammar," I say to my great mind (I am having
my waistcoats considerably increased to hold it), this ballad is the
work of a Master Hand, guided by a Master Mind. Show me with
what termination, in this Triumph of the Unshackled, do the words,
" world," " place," and " die " rhyme ?
But to my task. Expect to hear from me again, and speedily, for
I intend to tap the cask of inspiration, and present you with some of
the real unadulterated stuff, and none is genuine unless signed thus,
" B.B.B.B.," which means, Yours gloriously,
THE BOLD BAED OF THE BRITISH BALLAD.
THE B011ES ON THE SEVERN, AND ELSEWHERE.
MR. FRANK BTJCKLAND has prophesied the appearance of " A Bore
on the Severn," in time for every one to get out of his way. This is
really kind. If only other people who know all about the move-
ments of " Bores " would do as much !
We give particulars of several Bores that were to be seen in
London on that day, and of which timely warning might have been
given.
Preachers who improved the occasion by an hour's oration.
Leader-writers, who did ditto, to the extent of two columns and
a half.
The CHASUBLES, who invited us to dine, and gave us salt fish and
egg-sauce, with parsnips.
People who expected us to eat a horrible mass of warm dough
and currants, called Hot Cross Buns.
MR. FITZWALTEH RALEIGH, who seized the opportunity of an "off "
day to read us his new Tragedy.
And, finally, the great herd of Bores, who met in Hyde Park to
spout on some question they didn't understand, and prevented
quiet folk from enjoying the Park.
NEW WORDS FOR AN OLD SONG.
OH. the Roast Beef of New England !
And oh, the New English Roast Beef I
THE REAL M.P. FOR GREENWICH. Shri-M.P.
APRIL 7, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
165
THE UNIVERSITY TIE.
By an Enthwi"sti- !> tni-Teinte.
WIZEN other scarfs on other necks,
Their tale of tints shall tell,
In harmonies whose nuance decks
Blonde and brunette so well :
As riant- teinte, whose blue should rank
Twixt Indigo and Sky,
This dead-heat I, at least, may thank,
For Dark and Light-Blue Tie.
Each darling Cox, each glorious Eight
Their heads, their backs, their arms 1
How to decide by strength or weight,
When both show winning charms ?
As'fairly matched all beauties in
As beauties of your Blues ;
Thus only Cambridge ought to win,
Thus only Oxford lose 1
"THE SAME OLD GAJTB."
THE Musical World informs us that The ABBATE FRAHZ LISZT
has been invited to Loo by the Krao OF Tint NETHERLANDS. How-
,.<-,. it !L rmlvr + V\/\ nnwn/wnT\V\ cfa + AO " til (Vni Anil f\( t Vl WW/\TiTl "
A Disagreeable Alternative.
MR. HENRT IRVING contributes an interesting Shakspcarian note
to the second number of the Nineteenth Century, on the Third
Murderer in Macbeth. | eTe r, it is only, the paragraph states, " to the end of the month.
He says, truly, that there has been a great difficulty in accounting So the Loo isn't unlimited,
for this Third Murderer, and that some commentators have main- !
tained he must have been Macbeth himself ; and some (he might have < TUB EDUCATION " LEAGUE." From making your own pinafore to
added), more recently, the Actor who plays Macbeth. the Sixth Standard.
156
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 7, 1877.
IT'S AN ILL WIND " &c.
Sporting Sub. " I SHOULD HKB TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,
COLONEL, FOR I'V* JUST HEAKD MT FATHBB *S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING."
Colonel. "DEAK ME I I'M BORKY TO HEAE THAT! I HOPE HE'S MOT
HUBT ! "
Sporting Sub. "OH, IT ISN'T THAT I ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE! I"
THE BOAT-RACE OF THE FUTUBE.
(A Prophecy which Mr. Punch most earnestly trusts will not be verified.)
IT was the day of the Boat-Race. A bright, clear morning, with a glorious
sun, reflected a thousand times in the smiling water ! Great was the contrast
between the weather and the crowd. The first was suggestive of everything
that was fresh and innocent ; the last recalled visions of Homburg, Baden-
Baden and Spa in the bad old days of the cards, and spinning balls, and green-
baized tables. 1 Unhappily, all the rascality of the stable had found its way to
the banks of the river. The public were raving with excitement. Men, women,
and children no longer cared for the pleasures of lunch, the charms of conversa-
tion, the amusement of the race itself. All hearts beat but to learn the answer
to one absorbing question, had their bets been won or lost ?
Yes, it had come to this ! The grand old University Boat-Race had been
degraded by the love of play to the level of the lowest of sporting events. In
1877 (many years before) great complaints had been made about the matter. It
had been said, then, that unless the conditions of the contest were altered,
things would change from'worse to worse ; and that, corrupted by the pollution
of London sporting roughs, sporting publics, and sporting papers, the pleasanter
features of the festival would give place to more and more hateful ones. It had
been then suggested that the Race should be rowed at Henley or Bedford, or
even distant 'Exeter. Nothing, however, had been done ; and here more than
ten years later, was the Boat-Race still on Thames waters, fouling and befouled.
And had the prophets of ill-omen been borne out ? Alas I a glance at the faces
and forms around was enough ,to answer the question. When men forget to
smoke, or eat, or flirt ; when women care not whether or no they look their
best, then indeed must both be lost to everything save the passion of play.
And now the men were silent, cigarless, and distrait ; the women were reckless
in wearing the most unbecoming colours, the most ill-fitting gloves, the dullest
and dowdiest toilettes.
It was but a few minutes before the start, when a shambling creature,
who looked like something between a stable-help and a decayed churchwarden,
made his way through the shouting throng to the part of the .Grand Stand
reserved for the University Officers, Heads of Colleges, and other Dons of the
most dignified orders. For many minutes he vainly
attempted to attract the attention of a venerable Dean,
who, betting-book in hand, was loudly offering the odds
to two white-chokered Heads, a Proctor, and a Pokr ;
for, sad to say, the betting fever had spread from Under-
graduates' wine-parties to Fellows' Common Rooms.
The shambling creature at last succeeded in attracting
the attention of the venerable Dean, who hobbled towards
him as rapidly as his advanced years would permit.
" What do you want ?" he asked, breathlessly. " Un-
less it is something very important, I must not be
disturbed. I have not nearly done all my hedging."
"You were very good to me once, Sir," replied the
Tout, " when you got me leave to stay up, after the
Master had ordered me down. You would scarcely
believe, looking at my present degraded position, that
I was once a Member of the dear old College."
"Indeed! indeed!" cried the Dean, impatiently. "I
do not doubt your word for a moment. And if I was
kind to you in the past, pray think no more about it.
But I really must return, or I shall have no time to get
my money well on. My book is a very heavy one ;"
and he sighed involuntarily.
" I have come to show my gratitude," continued the
Tout, detaining the Dean by the button-hole. Then he
whispered, " Take my tip, and put the pot heavily on
Camt'ord."
The Dean started, as in an undertone he replied, " But
all the Sporting Papers declare that Oxbridge must win ;
and certainly I can personally testify to the superiority in
strength, and excellence of style in their trials."
" Put the pot on the other side of the fire for all that,"
hissed the Tout. " They 've been made safe, I tell you."
" But each man has had two doctors and a policeman
in close attendance upon him ever since he came to
Putney, and the boat has been kept under lock and key
in Scotland Yard."
The Tout closed his left eye. " Bobbies and boys
have been hocussed, horses and boats have been got at,
before now. Put the pot heavily on Camt'ord, I say
again! "
" I will ! " mentally ejaculated the Dean, as he rushed
back as quickly as his great age would permit to the
box on the Grand Stand reserved for the Heads of
Colleges. He had scarcely been in his place ten minutes
when the flashing pars of the two boats were seen coming
round the bend into the last reach, amid a murmur
that, as they approached, rose into a roar.
Oxbridge had been leading from the first. At Ham-
mersmith she had two clear lengths in hand, and these
two lengths had been increased by Mortlake to six. It
was a dead certainty : the Dean, beside himself with
excitement, in broken ejaculations from the Commination
service, cursed the Tout who had put him in the hole.
Suddenly there was a mighty shout the Oxbridge
stroke let go his oar, threw up his arms, and fainted.
There was another shout, and another and yet another,
as Numbers Seven, Six, and Five followed their leader.
At length the crew without exception lay doubled over
their thwarts. Taking advantage of this strange con-
tretemps the rival boat shot ahead, and passed the post
an easy winner.
Again a mighty shout, which seemed to shake Mortlake,
Putney, and the neighbourhood to their very foundations,
told an.expectant world that Oxbridge had been hocussed
for the third time, and that Camford had scored one more
victory.
And, as that shout arose, the venerable Dean might
have been seen dancing all over the stand, as well as
his age and some remains of a sense of his clerical
character would permit ; for he had followed the grateful
Tout's advice, and had put the pot heavily on the
winners.
As for the cleaned-out Heads, Proctors, and Pokers,
they were cursing also under the thin professional
shelter of the Commination service, and telegraphing to
their various Bankers.
On them, and still more on the young men and women
of the 'hideous scene, let us draw the curtain.
A BIT FOR BUW.
A FIRM of mechanicians advertise " Lifts for Hotels."
Who will invent lifts for public-houses, too many of which
require elevation to the level of respectability.
U, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
CAXTONIANA.
" I THAT, ADOLrHrTH, WHO THB BOOTH IS C'ACKTHTON THEY 'SM GETTING TP
ALL TIHTJI MEMORIAL ABOUT ? "
"CtxTotr-CAXTotr. KNOW THB NAMB, SOMEHOW. OH, YES, OF COURSE
AWF LY CLEVER FELLOW ; BUILT THE KWISTAL P ALACK, ion KNOW."
DATED THE FIRST OF APRIL.
PRINCE VON BISMARCK having: set the fashion of re-
signing on the First of April, the following resignations of
the same date have been announced :
MR. GLADSTONE. Resignation of his pen, and repudia-
tion of Post-cards.
LORD BEACONSFIELD. Resignation of his Coronet, and
retirement from the Leadership of the Conservative
Party.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON. Resignation of the Permissive
Bill, and withdrawal from comic oratory.
MR. WHALLKT. Resignation of the friendship of " the
unfortunate nobleman, and the post of Inquisitor-
General i into the criminal acts and intentions of the
Society of Jesuits.
PROFESSOR FAWCETT. Resignation of the supervision
ot'.lndian Finance, and retirement from the discussion of
the Eastern Question.
LORD HAKTINGTON. Resignation of the Leadership of
the Opposition, in favour of MR. FORSTEH.
MR. VOHSTKK. Resignation of all claims to the Leader-
ship of the Opposition, in favour of MR. LOWE.
MR. LOWE. Resignation of all claims to the Leader-
ship of the Opposition, in favour of MR. FOHSTER.
Ma. HOLMS. Resignation of the post of chief critic
of Military Measures, for a Sub-Lieutenancy (on proba-
tion) in the King's Own Royal Tower Hamlets Light
Infantry Militia.
MB. PLIMSOLL. Resignation of his seat for Derby, with
a view to accept a Partnership in an " Unlucky firm
of Ship-owners.
Mk. liiriGAR
But here Mr. Punch draws the line some subjects are
beyond ajoke. MR. BiooiB, like potatoes, is one of them.
Church over State.
To judge by the cool Address just submitted to the
Archbishops and Bishops by a body of Clergy of the
Established Church, headed by the Dean of St. Paul's,
and including three other Deans, eight Archdeacons, and
i. Regius Professor of Theology, which demands for
Convocation [the right to make laws for the Church,
ilong with, but naturally, of course, over the head of,
Parliament (the spiritual clearly ranking above the
secular), the Church of England needs ridding not of
one Tooth only, but a whole set.
MY RIDE TO KHIVA.
BY OUB OWN REPRESENTATIVE RIDER.
V He informs the Editor of his preparations. The Editor begs to
inform the Public that he (the Ed.) is not responsible for the
scheme, and withholds his assent for the present.
SIR, In a brief letter, two weeks since, I announced to you my
intention of riding to Khiva. I knew that there was a large body
among the public that would willingly pay my expenses by subscrip-
tion to go away anywhere, and so why not to Khiva ?
Now. Sir, I am perfectly aware, that CAPTAIN FRED BURNABY has
made this ground, as it were, his own. And how P Because, for-
sooth, having ridden to Khiva, he made such a confounded fuss
about it. A gallant exploit it was I admit, though I should be diffi-
dent in making the admission (however admission is free in this
instance), / myself rode to Khiva years ago : thought nothing of it,
nii'l said nothing about it. I took it in the day's work, and there an
end.
But now; the case is different. I must out-BuBNABY BUBNABY.
He only rode to Khiva. I shall ride there and back. I shall keep you
informed of my progress from time to time, either by special messenger
or by private wire, which, with my own patented apparatus, I
shall take with me in my side pocket. It occupies no space to speak
of, and is paid-put like the Atlantic Cable. I am getting up a Com-
pan j 3*J* f J!? d all shareholders, among whom I hope to number
moat ot the Crowned Heads of Europe, will be presented with a beau-
tiful engraved portrait of myself as the Russian Courier, dressed
m kremlm (a peculiar sort of warm waterproof coat) and lumeck (a
headdress worn at night when travelling through the show, and tied
under the chin with a small mifouktt. kind of leather thong with a
silver clasp). Before starting for a ride to anywhere, whether Khiva
* Aidderminjrter, one thing is absolutely necessary, i.e., something
Economy being the better part of valour, I have determined in
view of the subscription list not being quite so full as I might natu-
rally expect (it is not yet completed and you haven't, I regret to
see, exhibited it in your window in Fleet Street why this delay h),
not to purchase, but to hire. I forget the exact distance from here
to Khiva. But one can't hurt much at eighteenpence an hour (half-
a-crown for the first and eighteenpence for all the others of course
I take all the others and let some one else have the first), and a
reduction will be made on taking a quantity.
I am off now to see about the norse. After that I must call in at
MAT'S, the costumier's, about my dresses. The Courier of St.
Petersburg used to have at least six, one after the other, appearing
in the third as Mr. Pickwick (spelt Kjqkkjp in Russian, which is
spoken, as read, backwards, and takes some time to master), and
finally as Apollo, but this is for a different climate.
I have got my saddlebags containing provisions, warming-pan (an
article absolutely indispensable in the cold climate to which I am
going), matches, saucepans, patent smokeless stoves, coals, and (by
the kind permission of MR. CHATTEBTON), the red-hot poker out of
the last Cnristmas Pantomime.
A semi-grand piano, fitted up inside as a comfortable bed-room,
all complete, a store of American beef, a cellaret of beer, cham-
pagne (Pommery and Oreno tres sec, because it keeps dry in all
climates), and a few other articles, the list of which would make
this article unnecessarily lengthy, complete my Christopher I mean
mv kit.
Directly the last subscription is paid in to my account, or a
sufficiently good promise to that effect, be deposited with my banker
in writing, but not till then, I am off, till which happy moment,
believe me to remain here pluokily and dashingly as ever,
YOUR RrniNS REPRESENTATIVE.
P.S. I re-open this to say that I think I.'ve just met with the
animal to suit me. A quiet, steady, handsome cob, fourteen-and-
a-half by ten, warranted sound, at one-and-sixpence an hour, or
to be sold, by the pound, or square inch. I 'm to try him in Rotten
Row to-morrow. Look out !
VOL.
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
BLEST, but too brief, eight days' repose !
From Eastern Question Easter rest
From BIGGAR'S snarl, and PARNELL'S prose-
Obtrusive bore, obstructive pest !
And if M.P.'s throw down their hands,
And Ministers require relief,
What must Punch do, who meets demands
For weekly Liebig, oft sans beef?
Punch, who, besides the alchemic art,
Wit from the witless to distil,
Mustplay, perforce, the Showman's part,
And use the puppet-mender's skill.
And after sifting from his lead
Tons' -weight the grains of silver rare,
Must deal with many a wooden head,
Now grievously the worse for wear.
Touch up the puppets high and low,
Give point to patter, chant and chaff;
And so turn out the puppet-show,
That it may draw at least a laugh.
Wherefore, for the eight clays' rest Easter has given, him, Punch is
truly thankful ; and now returns to his weekly grind, like a giant
refreshed.
Happier than their Essence-Extractor, Members were not bound
to be back punctually by the day why is there no Parliamentary
devil to dog the heels of lazy M.P.'s ? so not more than'a hundred
had turned up when business begun at half -past four on Thursday,
April 5.
SIR STAFFORD NOETHCOTE promised MB.;FOESTEB a speedy sight of
the Protocol. We have all enj oyed that treat by this time, and found, as
we might have expected, that it binds Russia to nothing, rather, in-
deed, may be said to bind the Powers in Russia, inasmuch as it com-
mits those who have signed it to a joint profession of concern in
the better government of the Christians under Turkish rule. The
simultaneous declaration of COUNT SCHOTTVALOFF happy name !
promises a movement of demobilisation on the part of Russia,
only in the event of certain very improbable " ifs " on the part
of Turkey. And a declaration on the part of LOBD DEBBY declares
that England is not to be bound by the Protocol, in the only event
which can render action under it necessary, i.e., if Turkey does not
APRIL U, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
159
ECONOMY.
Pat. " AND TB SAY, IT I TAKE THIS ON7, I *LL SAVB HA'F THK FlJTJI. ?
PAIR OF 'EM AND SAVK IT ALL 1 1 "
BBDAD ! " (struck with a bright idea)" 1 'LL TAKK A
cany out the reforms she has promised which she is not the least
likely to do. A complete diplomatic reductio ad absurdum it
would have been difficult for Punch to have hit upon in his most
felicitous fit of parodying diplomacy.
South-Sea savages, when they are anxious to strike up an eternal
friendship, change names. Let my LORD DERBY, in memory of this
last happy-family alliance with Russia, take the name of " SHOVEL-
OFP." For truly he has shovelled off the Eastern difficulty for the
day at all events ; and sufficient for the day, he no doubt considers,
is the Eastern difficulty and the shovelling-off. thereof . The Protocol,
Punch notes with regret, was signed on Saturday, March 31, not on
Sunday, the first of April. April-fools would have been the very
people to have marched in procession over the Pons Asinorum.
The House then went into the Prisons Bill, and ME. CROSS had a
tussle with MR. PARNELI,, who, more Hibernico, moved a clause,
classing treason-felons with first-class misdemeanants, who are
not felons at all. MR. CROSS finally agreed to the clause, with the
Bull out, providing that persons convicted of sedition and seditious
libel should be treated as misdemeanants of the first-class, which
they certainly are, being, as a rule, of the class that ought to know
better.
The moral of JEsqp's well-known fable is that the trumpeters
deserve heavier punishment than the rank and file. They will,
under this clause, get better treatment. It is quite right for those
w_ho look on sedition and seditious libel as venial, if not laudable,
diversions, to make provision for the comfort of those who may
indulge in these amusements.
MR. E. W. SHTTH made a clear, business-like, and well-digested
speech in introducing the Civil Service Estimates to a thin House
of a score in all. Does the House want such an explanation,
or does it not? After asking for it, Honourable Members might
surely pay MB. SMITH the compliment of coming to hear it. The
Honourable Member for the Book-stalls showed that, excluding the
cost of Army and Navy, Collecting the Revenue, Education, and
Contributions to Local Taxation rather important exclusions, it is
true the cost of governing the country is less by 400,000 than it
was in 1857. This reminds Punch of an embarrassed but easy-
going friend of his, who was always proving that if you excluded
the cost of his wine-cellar and table, cigars, stables, gardens, tailors'
and milliners' bills, children's schooling, travelling, and amuse-
ments, he was really spending, at least, twenty pounds a year less
than he did ten years before, yet found himself every year getting
deeper and deeper into difficulties.
The House then went into Supply, in which SIB CHARLSS I )i i, K K
distinguished himself by moving to omit the cost of feeding the
Deer in Richmond Park ; MR. PARNELL, by opposing the Motion to
Report Progress at half-past twelve, in the teeth of MR. BUTT,
because an Irish Bill was coming which he wanted more time for ob-
structing ; MR. M'CABTHY DOWNING, by pitching into MR. PABNELL,
and MR. BIOGAR. by pitching into MR. M'CABTHY DOWNING ; and
lastly CAPTAIN NOLAN, by taking objection to MB. BENITET-STAM'-
FORD'S coughing at him. Altogether the Home-Rulers are showing
their Kilkenny cats' claws too soon and in the wrong place. They
should keep them for the Home-Rule Irish Parliament on Palace
Green.
(Friday.) A night's talk.
1. The House talked about Gas Bills and Water-works. May
Punch, some day, have to record that it. has done something to give
us better light and purer water, and more of both.
2. The House talked about Public Executioners, and Public Offices.
What Punch objects to is, that the one should be turned into the
other, as is done when clerks' rooms are allowed to become typhus-
traps.
3. The House talked about the Commercial Department of the
Foreign Office. Most people will be glad to know that there it a
Commercial Department at the Foreign Office. We had thought
that the Foreign Office left such low matters as commerce to the
lower departments, such as the Board of Trade, and the East End
Offices.
Lastly came the halfpenny-worth of doing to the intolerable
quantity of talking, when MR. CROSS brought in a Bill to boil down
sixteen Factories and Workshops Acts into a hundred clauses.
Could not the Bill be entitled Liebig's Extract of Factory Acts '(
160
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
[APRIL 14, 1877.
A VISION OF ACCLIMATISATION.
IVWAMI WILSON, in a paper read
some months ago at a meeting
Of the Itoyal Colonial Institute,
treats acclimatisation, in its
more general aspect. MR.
WILSON views the problem
somewhat enthusiastically, and
considers that the command
given to NOAH, ' Be fruitful
and multiply, and replenish
the earth, and subdue it ; and
have dominion over the fish of
the sea, and over the fowl of
the air, and over every living
thing that moveth upon the
earth,' conveys by implication
a direct order to take the work
of acclimatisation in hand. . . .
But it might, perhaps, be possi-
ble to acclimatise in England
the beautiful little green and
yello* Australian: parroquet
which has of late years been
such a favourite in English
homes. . . . ^hat prevents an
effort to add to our domestic
poultry the savoury and easily-
bred curussow and guan ; why
should the quail and the prairie-
hen be unknown on our downs;
what forbids the rearing of flocks of llamas and vicunas?" Daily Telegraph.
MB. PUNCH,
I 'D been reading my Telegraph. Excellent paper, np doubt,
Only rayther too nuts on big words, which do put a plain body about.
Ana 1 nodded and mapped o'er a leader on something as ended in
" ation."
Let 'a see 'twas a double " c " Sk, I 've got it, a-c-e-1-i-ffi-a-t-i-
s-a-t-i-o-n !
It seems there ' tarty; named WILSON, a lively Colonial oEap,
"Whose notions had got in my noddle before I indulged in that nap.
He holds that "Be fruitful and multiply" means that'our duty is
clear
To bring in beasts and birds from abroad, a transition which strikes
me as queer.
Well, I dropped off to sleep, as I say ; and, good gracious, the
wisions I had !
Which I don't think I 've been to the Zoo since I fed the brown
bears as a lad.
But the Regency Park broken loose, Sir, with Jamrach's all out on
the spree,
Plus NOAH'S Ark emptied, warn't nothing to what in my wisions I
see!
MR. WILSON lets monkeys run loose in his garden I 'd shoot 'em
or trap 'em
But Gorillas was lambs to the creatures as larked in my garden, at
Clapham.
Young crockydiles sploshed in my pond, Sir, and gobbled my gold-
fish like fun ;
While a Grizzly had climbed up my flag-staff, and wouldn't be
bribed with a bun !
If I have an aversion, it 's Snakes (though they say they 're like
chicking when cooked) :
And a thing, like six yards of green spangles, his tail up my poplar
had hooked,
While he dangled below like a S, in a way as seemed playful and
mild,
But which scared the NUBS into highsterics and druv little TOMMY
half wild.
I casts a wild eye at my poultry-run. Bless you, behind its trim
pales
There was twenty young Ostriches tramping, and feeding on pebbles
and nails.
And there, in my paddock, where Blossom, the gentlest of Alderneys,
grazes,
A Burner, with two six-foot horns, was rampaging and rooting the
daisies.
My rabbits and pigeons were banished by monkeys and 'squalling
macaws,
And where my boy's " moke " had been tethered a Zebra was snap-
ping its jaws.
In fact, Sir, both in- doors and out, 'stead o' creatures familiar and
tame,
There was nothing but quadrupeds queer and rum birds .1 'd be sorry
to name.
Well, I woke with a jump, and no wonder. "But this is mere
dreaming," says you.
Why yes. But if parties like WILSON ain't dropped on, sech dreams
may come true.
"Replenish the earth!" Very proper; but not with strange
varmint, say I.
Let each land keep its own, and, if that isn't Nature, I 'd like to ask
why 't
I know these acclimati thingummy parties of old. It was they
As wanted to make us eat horse, snake, and cetrer. That game
didn't pay ;
And now they 'd have apes in our gardens, and shrill parroquets in
our parks.
Curassows and guans for poultry ! No fear, while we 've chickens
and larks.
Their Llamas, Vicunas, and similar crackjawish creatures may do
For far furrin parts ; but our Shorthorns and Southdowns 'ud make
'em look blue.
Let us stick to our own native produce, Acclimatisation 's all fudge ;
At least, Mr. Punch, them 's the views of
Yours faithfully,
JEBEMT BUDGE.
" SHAKSPEARIAN NOTES."
(A suggestion, in dramatic form, made to ME. HENEY IRVING by a
First Utility Gentleman, who has read his learned paper on
" The l^hird Murderer in Macbeth," in this month's number of
" The' Nineteenth Century.")
THB question is, "Why were there three Murderers for Banquo
when Macbeth had previously commissioned only two?" ME.
IBVLNG has his view of the matter ; it is a neat conceit. I have my
view of the matter ; it is a practical explanation. I have only .to add,
Sir, that but for the jealousy and spite of some parties who shall be
nameless, and ought to be fameless, I, Sir, should long ago, ere
this, have topped the pinnacle of tmy dramatic ambition, and nave
been billed all over the Metropolis and the provinces as The only
Legitimate Tragedian. But no I will not detain you further, Sir
a time will come, it hasn't yet, but it will, till then I am, till
" this too solid flesh shall melt,"
Thine as thou usest me,
CHABLES, YOUE FEIEND.
P.S. I assume in the subjoined dramatic suggestion that Macbeth
was produced before SHAKSPEABE wae BUBBAGE'S partner in manage-
ment. If there is anything wrong with my view of facts, why, Sir,
as the late MB. DUCBOW used to observe, " so much the wusser for the
Sax."
Now then, walk up, walk up, and see :
HOW THE " THIRD MURDERER CAME TO BE INTRODUCED
INTO MACBETH."
SCENE. The Stage of the Globe Theatre. Date, 1606. A rehearsal
of " Macbeth " is just over, and the ' Manager and the Author,
MB. WILLIAM SHAKSPEABE, are standing together. The Com-
pany is not yet dismissed, as the Prompter has requested them
to stop until he has ascertained what time the piece is to be
" called " for to-morrow.
Mr. William Shakspetire. Marry, come up ! but my piece seemeth
in a fair way to make a hit. The rehearsal went uncommonly well
to-day, BUHBY, eh ?
The Manager (dubiously). Yes. I think you'll have to cut the
witches and the cauldron after the first night. We don't want ' em
to "guy" the piece in the first scene, and call for "Hot Codlins,"
as 'twere a Christmas Pantomime.
Mr. William Shakspeare. I'fakins ! my dear BUBBY, if they do
but .their witching gently, there '11 be no pantomime in it, I .war-
rant ye.
[BUEBAGE shakes his head. At this moment a seedy looking
person, icith a strip of paper in his hand, approaches MB.
BUHBAGE deferentially, but tcith the constrained air of one
acting under a painful sense of duty. He meets MB. WIL-
LIAM SHAKSFEABE'S affable smile with a scotcl of the most
intense resentment.^
.Burbagc (to seedy individual). Now then! I mean marry come up,
TYMKYN. What is it ?
Tymkyn (presenting the strip of paper to BTTBBAOE). By my
halidome, MASTEB BTJBBAGE, I must ask to be relieved of this 1 part.
Burbage (putting his hands behind his back and eyeing the strip of
paper cautiously). What 's this ?
APBIL 14, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
Tymkyn. B'yr Ladye, Sir, and you do well to ask. This is whu 1
MR. SHAKSPEARE, Sir, colls a good, part, I suppose (with tin indignan
I/Inn' <it Mil. SIIAKSPEARE). It may be good enough for him who
in your company, and I 've seen the fat given to others for tht
asking, but b'yr La'kin, never have I played such a bad part as this
and and (stifling his emotion) I beg to be relieved of it. Give it
to the call-bor, or one of the dressers, but / have a position in this
theatre, and by the merry maskins, i'i'akins, and gadso, I mean to
keep it !
liiirbnge (in u conciliatory tone). Well, well, I 've no doubt MB.
SHAKSPEARE can write it up a bit. Eh ? (Turns to MK. WILLIAM
Sll UisI'KAKE).
.I//-. William Sh'ikxpriirr (dubiously tiriililles his moustache and
ildu's the I nft mi his chiii). Hum! Well, yon see the piece is
written and to interpolate now would upset the whole thing. Be-
sides Determined not to yield if he can help it) the part is really a
reru good one.
Tymkyn (superciliously]. Not a length, Sir. I am only " The
hint." [Exhibits the stria disdainfully.
.I// . If'illiniii Shakspeare (slightly bothered). Well, there s not
much to say but, in a drama of this nature, the doing is more
important than the saying. Besides (with the gleam of inspiration),
you are on the stage most of the time.
Tymkyn. Once, in the stage directions, MR. SIIAKSPKAKK.
Mr. William Shakspeare. But (to Prompter) give me my manu-
script. (Prompter hands it to him. He refers to it.) Ah ! I
thought so. (He had forgotten when the Attendant had to appear.)
You. are on in Act iii., Scene 1, a most important situation. Ton
have to say -
Tymkyn (with a smile of ineffable scorn). One line, Sir ; only one
line, ana that (with inexpressible contempt) as a mere feeder for
Macbeth.
Mr. William Shakspeare (shifting his argument). But immedi-
ately afterwards you usher in the two Murderers the most intense
scene in the play.
Ti/mkyn (with well assumed indifference). Perhaps so, Sir. I have
not seen it, as I am at once ordered off the stage by Macbeth, and
told to stay outside the door until he and the two Murderers call for
me. And allow me to add, MR. SHAKSPEABE, I don't know
whether it were a'noversight on your part or not, but tin a tone of
the deepest injury) they never do call lor me. (Stifles his emotion,
and resumes.) The consequence is, Sir, that I do not appear again.
Burbage (half aside, to SHAXSPEAKE). You know you do want a
good man in the Attendant's part. TYMKYN '11 do it for you, if you
just give him a line or two more, and bring him on again with a fine
or two. You know he can speak the lines if you give 'em to him.
Marry come up, WILL !
Mr. William Shakspeare (meditatively). I might make him a
Fourth Witch.
Surbage. Now, by my halidome, that shalt thou not ! No more
of your arointed witches. No, no I Rather have another Murderer.
Tymkyn (overhearing and catching at the idea). Ay, by'r La'kin',
and give me a fight with Bango, or whatever his name is. I have
friends, Sir, in front, who expect somewhat from RAXPH TYMKYN
and sturdy knaves, too, I warrant you, whose hands are as horny
for clapping, and their throats as potent for hissing, as their neigh-
bours'.
Mr. William Shakspeare (after considering the MS. attentively).
Tis well, MASTER TYMKYN ! Thou shalt have thy lines (colloquially).
I bring you in, as MB. BITBBAGE has suggested, as a Third
Murderer. I '11 give you some first-rate bits short, but telling
and we "11 arrange the business of the light at rehearsal.
Tymkyn (determined not to lose his opportunity). I 'm up 'to all
sorts of combats, and, if necessary, can go through two or three traps.
We 've got one here that was used for the Grave-Diqger i
and b'yr leave.-
-Digger in Hamlet,
(hastily). Nay, nay, MASTER TTMKYN, trap me no traps
ll 1 ule-tide be come again, and we play a Mystery. (Dismissing
him.) You '11 have your part with thelnew.matter to-morrow.
[Looks towards WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. who is already seated
at Prompter's table busily engaged in altering Sc. 1, Act iii.,
so as to introduce the Attendant who is to 'double' the
part of the ' Third Murderer.' SHAKSPEARE looks up for
a second, nods assent, then resumes his toork.
Tymkyn (saluting MR. BURBAOB with much courtesy). Give ye
good den, MASTER BUBBAOE. (To MR. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARB.) And
you, too, MASTER SHAKSPKARE. Give you good den, Sir. Sola ! sola !
[Exit struttingly.
The next day at rehearsal, MASTER RALPH TYMKYN was pre-
sented with a part carefully written out in the largest and roundest
hand, extending over three pages, and containing several additional
lines for the Attendant, who thenceforth doubled the character of the
Third Murderer.
A SAILOR'S FRIEND.
THE subjoined paragraph of news may suggest a reminiscence to
some of the elder readers of Punch :
" THE SEAMEN'S HOSPITAL SOCIETY. The PKINCE or WALES hai tent
a subscription of -30 to the funds of the Seamen's Hospital Society (late
Dreadnought), Greenwich, through Hii Grace the I)UKB OF NOUTHU'MUEK-
LAND."
A woodcut extant on one of Mr. Punch's preceding pages is also
engraven on the memory of patriarchs. They remember LEECH'S
representation of the PKINCK OF WALES as a sailor-boy, on tiptoes,
presenting a British Tar with a glass of grog. That was a donation,
suitable to the years of His Royal Highness, in testimonial of his
kindly consideration of poor JACK. Another as suitable to his pre-
sent position, is this contribution to the funds of the Seamen's
Hospital Society, which justly needed it, and are still open to
liberal enlargement at the hands of all disposed to emulate a
princely example.
Death Kept at Arm's Length.
A LINK has clearly been dropped out of the following advertise-
ment :
DO NOT UNTIMELY DIE ! BLANK'S STOMACH MIXTURE.
Bowel Complaints cured with one dose ; Typhtn or Low Fever cured
with two doses ; Diphtheria cured with three doges ; Scarlet Fever cured with
four doses ; Cholera cured with five doses.
The last line (to match with the first) must have been
" Death cured with six doses ! "
An Ill-used Sovereign.
GARTER King-at-Arms has been down at Windsor removing the
insignia of the penultimate Sultan from among those of the Knights
of the Garter.
Is it possible they are not going to put 'up those of his reigning
successor ?
What did ABDUL- Aziz do to deserve this honour, that ABDUL-
HAMID has done nut to deserve it ?
An Odd Want.
" WANTED, a Toung Woman, to wash pota : to live in." Manchester
Guardian.
WE have heard of an advertisement, "Wanted, a Hermit," bd*
we did not expect to see an advertisement, " Wanted, a Diogenes
Female." What can she be wanted for ? To go about with a
lantern looking for an honest Manchester man ?
A Long Look Ahead.
THE Mayor and Town Council of Luton, in their address to the
MARCHIONESS OF TAVISTOCK on her marriage, expressed the hope
" that her most noble consort and herself might witness the trans-
mission to remote posterity of the illustrious honours of their great
ancestral house." This is pushing their hopes very far indeed into
;he future.
" WHICHEVER YOU PHASE, MY LITTLE DEAR."
MBS. MALAPROP writes to ask us to explain the difference, if any,
.n the meaning of two phrases she often sees in her paper ; viz.,
' The question of the Eastern Position," and " the position of the
Eastern Question." [Punch must decline the attempt. There is no
difference, in one respect. Both are equally puzzling.]
A CHASGE FOR THE BETTER^nC DAHOMRY. |
SINCE the capital of Dahomey is Abomoy, 'suppose the country
were re-christened Abomey(i)nation P
FROM THE JUM.
THE YOKES Family advertise their " Spring Tour." As if it could
>e anything else !
THE TURKISH PARLIAMENT.
APT quotation for the "Member for Jerusalem " "j Write 'me
lown an Ass."
162
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
L 14, 1877.
. -;"/:
w*m&
FLIPPANCY PUNISHED.
THE CIMABUE BROWNS, AND THEIR FRIENDS, FORM-ONE OF THE NICEST AND MOST ARTISTIC SETS IN BROMPTON, BUT THEY HOLD
ALL THINGS MODEKN IN CONTEMPT, ESPECIALLY MODERN MUSIC. ONE EVENING GRIGSBY VOLUNTEERS TO SlNG THEM WHAT HE CALLS
A " FLORENTINE CANZONET OF THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY," BUT WHAT is IN REALITY A MAUNDERING IMPROVISATION OF HIS OWN, IN A
MINOR KEY, WITH MOCK ITALIAN WORDS OF THE MOST IDIOTIC DESCRIPTION, ALSO INVENTED BY HIM ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
THK EFFECT is MAGICAL, TEARS FLOW FREELY, AND AN ENTHUSIASTIC ENCORE GREETS THE PERFORMER. UNFORTUNATELY, THE
PERFORMANCE BEING AN EXTEMPORE ONE, HE CANNOT REPEAT IT, AND is MUCH EMBARRASSED BY THE SUCCESS OF HIS FEEBLE JOKE.
"ARCADES AMBO!"
SCENE. A wooded valley in Arcadia with a riew of rich pastures in
the distance. Trees recently cut down in the fore-ground.
English Shepherd discovered writing with extreme rapidity. To
him enter Foreign Shepherd, leisurely.
Foreign Shepherd. Good day. busy Shepherd ! You see I have
come to join you for awhile, in hopes, under your kindly guidance,
here to steep my soul in the refreshing balm of pastoral retirement. .
English Shepherd (hurriedly). Glad to see you ! but really I am so
very busy. Should prefer answering inquiries by post-card.
Foreign Shepherd. Much-troubled Shepherd, you surprise me. I
had imagined Arcadia the land of leisure.
English Shepherd. Ah ! a vulgar error, I assure you. But as you
are a stranger, I willjtry to spare you five minutes. Now then, what
can I do for you ? Is there anything you want information about
guidance encouragement give it a name ?
Foreign Shepherd. Allow me first to give you my own Bis-
MABCK.
English Shepherd (politely). Prince ! A thousand pardons ! I
had not recognised your Highness. I need scarcely say that I shall
be only too delighted to give you any information you may require
about this new scene this land not of lotos-eating, but of laborious
leisure, where it is never rather than always afternoon ; at least,
never after post-time.
Foreign Shepherd. Thanks ! First, then, as Hamlet says, can you
play on this pipe, and teach me to do the same ?
English Shepherd. Theoretically I can do both, but perhaps you
had better wait till my essay on the subject written for the
Twentieth Century, the Magazine of the. Future is published. In
it I have gone into the matter of piping, aid the varieties; of syrinx,
tibia, and ab\iis, with their different musical modes, rather deeply.
I think you will find my authorities tolerably complete, and my
deductions from them satisfactory.
Foreign Shepherd. I doubt it not, Shepherd. Next, can you put
me up to anything in the breeding and care of sheep, and the shear-
ing, and fattening, killing, and cooking them ?
English Shepherd. I have touched upon all these matters inci-
dentally in an excursus I am writing upon " the Pastoral Life and
its Occupations," to be printed in the appendix of , my treatise on
" The Moon, and how to get there, with stray thoughts upon
Balloons and the Electric Telegraph."
Foreign Shepherd. May I ask how you manage your own flock ?
English Shepherd. Nay my days of practical Shepherd-life are
over. I am so busy with other matters, that I have pretty well lost
sight of .my late sheep.
Foreign Shepherd. Busy ! Not with that most wearisome of
all work polities I hope?
English Shepherd. I came here, like yourself, to avoid it. If I
write a score of political pamphlets in a year, or deliver as many
political speeches in a month, it is quite as much, in that line, as I
can find time for. No. I have turned over my crook to my excellent
young friend, HAETINGTON. A few hints a day about the leader-
ship of the party is the limit of my interference. You see he must
learn to walk alone. In fact I am too old for political work. I
am here to enjoyi ease with dignity, and a due allowance of letter-
writing.
Foreign Shepherd. My case to a nicety, except the letter-writing.
And how do you get through your time f Sleeping under the trees,
" Tityre'tu patula; "eh ?
English Shepherd. Well, no, not exactly. You see I am rather
fond of wood-cutting, and should have made short work, ere this,
with most of the timber in Arcadia, had not the native Shepherds,
with less taste for strenuous occupation, violently interfered.
Foreign Shepherd. Dear me ! I had thought that the inhabitants
of this charming country were the peacefullest of people.
English Shepherd. Well the fact is, we don't quite suit each
other. They actually got up an indignation meeting the other day
to protest against what they call my "restlessness." I made
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 14, 1877.
M^.
^V9
..
ARCADES AMBO!"
E B- SM-K. " AH, YOU DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE ME IN ARCADIA-NEIN ? "
Rronr HON. W. E. G. "0, YOU'LL NOT FIND IT AT ALL DULL! LOTS TO DO! LOOK AT ME .'.'.'
I
APHIL 14, 1877.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
165
a speech six hours' long, wrote four pamphlets, and entered into a
correspondence with six daily papers to show how little ground
there was for the charge. In the little game of pen and ink
I soon tired 'em all out ; but this threw my private letters into
arrear. As soon, however, as I have brought np my correspondence,
I hope to get back to my axe again.
Foreign Shepherd. Do the Arcadians ever dance ?
English Shepherd. They did. The first day I joined them they
wanted me to step a measure. In answer to their invitation I de-
livered a lecture, in two parts, upon dancing from the earliest days,
illustrated with extracts from the Classical Authors. The delivery
of that took me only a summer's day, but the Arcadians are a super-
ficial people, and easily tired. They flatly refused to hear " Part
Two," which I had reserved for the day following.
Foreign Shepherd. And pray how do you employ your time when
not writing or wood-cutting ?
English Shepherd. My 'leisure. Oh, in the most delightful
manner. I rise early to call the larks and look after the early birds
in their pursuit of the worms. Then I give the wood-nymphs a field
lecture on Botany ; or may drop in upon Fan for a discussion of the
musicof the Past, the Present, and the Future ; then I am putting into
a form borrowed from the Cyna-getica of XENOPHON a little catechism
of Hunting in its various branches, for the use of Diana. By
this time it is the hour to sit down to my regular work. First I
dispose of my rather miscellaneous outer-world correspondence.
Here is the list of subjects I have to write upon to-day, alphabetically
arranged. Acrobatic performances, Butterflies, Cape Horn, Damson
tart, Early potatoes, r rench polish, Geography of Eastern Australia,
Hams, Insurance Companies. Jelly, King-fishers, Lent customs,
Mormon history, Negro melodies, Pepper, Queer Street, Rope-
rigging, Steam. Tide-waiters, Umpires at Doat-races, Vehicles of the
early Greeks, Warts, Xerxes as an organiser, Young Gentlemen's
school-hampers, and Zanoni, in relation to MASKELYNE \ N n COOKE'S
entertainment. Next But a thousand pardons, your Highness, my
promised five minutes are consumed, and I must hence.
Foreign Shepherd. Whither away, strenuous Shepherd ?
English Shepherd. In search of atrocities amongst the Satyrs.
[Exit hurriedly.
Foreign Shepherd (smiling). I wonder if there will be room in
Arcadia for both of us !
(Scene closes in.)
POULTERERS AND POACHERS.
N
ATTTBAL History, of
course, during the
Easter Recess, turned
up in the papers. One
Correspondent
announced that
he had heard the
cuckoo, another
the nightingale ;
others had seen
martins and
swallows.
" OBSEETEE,"
in the Times.
said that he had
observed golden
orioles on the
grass in Hyde
Park. A sub-
sequent letter-
writer stated
that his atten-
tion had been
attracted there
by some wheat-
eara, and sug-
gested that
"OBSERVER "
had mistaken
them for orioles ; as though wheatears and orioles were birds of
a feather. Can the wheatears so-called have really been, yellow-
hammers, or green-finches, or large torn-tits ?
However, in Hyde Park, both wheatears and orioles, if rare, would
yet have been seasonable. Not so the birds seen by another Times
Correspondent, " A NATURALIST," in sundry poulterer's shops, birds
par excellence, partridges. Ay, and moreover, capercailzie, black
game, ptarmigan, pinnated grouse, quail, 'golden plover, lapwing,
wild-duck, widgeon, pintails, and teal the Wild Birds' Protection
Act notwithstanding.
The ptarmigan probably came from the North of Europe, the pin-
nated grouse are Yankees, but whence were the widgeon, teal, wfld
duck, and the other wild-fowl ? And above all, whence the part-
ridges '< Perhaps some poulterer may be penman enough to explain.
On the first of February, say the Almanacks, " Partridge-shooting
ends." Does it ? Perhaps it does, and perhaps partridge-netting
begins. What say the poulterers ':
Everybody knows that the birds above enumerated ought all at
this time to be hatching their eggs, or foraging for their young, and
not hanging up for sale. Also, that to eat birds at breeding-time is
the way to exterminate them and destroy food. Poaching, always bad
enough, is, during the close months, too bad. It would have been
scorned by the genuine old poacher, the burden of whose song wag :
" Tis my delight, of a shiny night,
In the season of the year."
But your poulterers' poachers poach without limitation by the
season. They poach, as zealous pastors preach, in season and out of
season.
The poulterers will perhaps say that their poachers poach out of
British bounds. In that case it may be worth while to consider
LOED COLVILLE'S question in the Times :
" If no other method can be devised for stopping this illegitimate traffic,
would it not be desirable that a Bill Bhould be passed through Parliament
entirely prohibiting the sale of any game, protected by British Game Laws,
after the expiration of the time during which such game may be killed ? "
In a quaint volume, composed in pre-scientific days, an old
English writer, to account for the simultaneous appearance of birds
of passage all over England, gravely broached the speculation that
they descended from the moon. If poulterers could prove that their
shops were supplied from pur satellite, then indeed, perhaps, they
might plead some justification for selling game and wildfowl out of
season.
PADDY STOPS THE WAY.
PROSPECTS OF THB SESSION. ".MR. BIOOAR, M.P., has placed upon
the ' Order Book ' of the House of Commons notices of his intention to more
the rejection of the following Bills:!. The Prisons (Scotland) Bill; 2.
The Public Health (Ireland) Bill ; 3. The Valuation of Property (Ireland)
Bill ; 4. The Beads and Bndges (Scotland) Bill ; 5. The Marine Mutiny
Bill; 6. The Mutiny Bill; 7. The House Occupiers' Disqualification Ee-
moTal Bill ; 8. The Supreme Court of Judicature (Ireland) Bill ; 9. The
Patents for Inventions Bill; 10. The Threshing Machines Bill; 11. The
Peerage of Ireland Bill ; 12. The Legal Practitioners' Bill ; 13. The Dirine
Worship Facilities Bill. All these; Bills the Honourable Member proposes to
proceed with ' this day six months.' " Tht Titnet.
LONG Pat had been plotting to lay a new tax on
The soul of the slow and long-suffering Saxon.
Some new " Irish grievance, for pinching the toes,
Not of poor brogueless Pat but his Sassenach foes.
He has tried much manoeuvring more or less clever
The links twixt himself and the Saxon to sever.
He blew up our prisons the Saxon was steel,
And potting our peelers secured not repeal.
The dull British Pharaoh his heart could e'en harden
'Gainst patriot shines in O'B.'g Cabbage Garden.
He slanged us, we spared him our toil and our time ;
We gave, it was nought : we withheld, 'twas a crime.
One party worked hard for him. Pat did his best
To bundle them out of the Treasury nest ;
But when his best friends shivered out in the cold,
And their rivals sat snug in the Government fold,
Still Pat was not happy. Says he, with a groan,
" They refuse me a Parliament-House of me own,
And so, by me sow], I '11 be plantin' me snares
To play up the divil's divarshin with theirs."
At length, knowin' Pat thought of scoring a chalk,
By unlimited Blue-Hook and infinite talk.
Wordy flux from wide mouths that no floodgates can shut,
The drawl of a BIG GAR. the flow of a Brn,
Or PABNELL'S Blue-Book readings, he hopes may avail,
Where spurts of seditious scurrility fail.
The Government carriage all progress must stay,
Because noisy Pat's patent-drag stops the way.
But surely the task doesn't happily fit
A boy of renown for his smartness and wit.
'Tis hardly the part of a patriot sublime
To dribble out Bine-Book, and talk against time,
With a view, so they say is he quite such a fool ?
To bother the Saxon, ana further Home-Rule.
No, Pat, it won't wash. It is all very well
For BIGGAR, and CAT.LAW, and Knot, and PAairfcLL,
To block np the road, while JOHN BULL is at play ;
But when he means business, he "11 soon clear the way !
Tm> PLACE TO SPESD ALL FOOLS' DAY. Madame Tous-$ots\
166
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1877.
-' X-
... U
'
CIVILISATION.
"I SAY, GUV'NER YER AIN'T SEEN A COVE WITH MY SECOND MOKE, AH YER?"
OUR GLORIOUS RESTORATION.
DEAR PUNCH,
OUR Parish Church has recently had the benefit of restora-
tion, nnder the stimulus of the zeal of our High young Vicar, and a
party he has got to back him. This operation has been effected by
the combined forces of a subscription, a restorative architect, a
solemn clerk of the works, a gang of very beery workmen, and large
libations of the necessary liquor, to keep their clay in the state of
moisture required for working.
Great glory has been achieved by the powers that be the Vicar,
the Restoration Committee, the resident ecclesiologist, and others.
The old pews having beea torn down, the memorial stones, thrust
into holes and corners, many cartloads of consecrated earth, with
a due proportion of humanity among the mould, used for filling up
an old sawpit, the long series of triumphs has culminated in an auction,
a sort of rag-and-bone sale of the disjecta membra of our Parish
Church, now effectually turned out of windows. Imagine, dear
Punch, the feelings of an unecclesiological parishioner, like
myself, on reading the placard
"To be Sold, &c., &c., Curved Oak Pulpit handsome Stone Font, date
unknown curious oak panelling, time of QUEEN ELIZABETH all in eon-
sequence of the restoration of the Church."
Brisk firewood prices were realised, and marine-store-dealera
seemed to be having what their American cousins call "a good
time. '_ Some of the decorators, probably members of Archaeological
Societies, were heard to deplore the loss that had been sustained
through much of the old wood having been appropriated surrep-
titiously .by the workmen for their own fires.
I take the liberty of offering some suggestions to those who are
about to have the same operation performed in their own parishes.
For instance, the expenses of the Auctioneer might be saved by the
Sexton being employed on Sundays to dispose of the various proper-
ties by retail, at the church doors, after service when once service
is set agoing again. The chance of purchasing a lot of nice firewood
cheap would often he appreciated by the congregation.
Then why should an expensive gang of workmen be called in
merely to destroy ? Could not the Vicar, Clerk, and Sexton, in the
words of MACAULAY, " gird up their gowns, seize hatchet, bar,
and crow, and aid in the work of demolition " P The Nationa
School children, too, would be edified by the spectacle and delighted,
I am sure, to take part in it. We are at the present time teaching
them, by books only, a great deal about the Goths and Vandals ; we
might thus give them an illustration by example of those barbarians
in action. Besides it is such a great thing to sweep away all the in-
congruities of the last three hundred years above all to get rid of all
traces of what our High young Vicar is in the habit of inveighing
against by the name of that "pernicious Protestantism," and to
bring the Parish Church back to the beauty of what he calls
" primitive times."
I remain, dear Mr. Punch, yours,
A Low PARTY
Sludgecombe, Kent.
(who liked the old Church).
Prejudiced to the Backbone.
THESE are hardly the days in which to establish a fresh class of
privileged beings. Yet this is proposed by the Holt-Hardcastle
Cruelty Bill, which contemplates protecting vertebrated animals
only, and so opens a door for future agitation for removal of the Dis-
abilities of Invertebrates. A learned Judge has.been known to ap-
peal to the "proud title" of "our common vertebration " as _a
ground for the courtesy of Counsel ; but we doubt whether there is
after all much to choose between the sensations of the live-bait, and
those of the cold-blooded vertebrate who has swallowed it.
A Famous Name.
" OTTECROSSE. March 24, at Eaton, Cheshire, the residence of her son-in-
law, 0. 0. BUNNE, ESQ., SAKAH, widow of OTTIWELL OTTECROSSE,
Esa., late of Eaton, in her 87th year."
WE are sorry to add that OTTIWELL OTTECROSSE BUNNE has since
given notice of a change of name. What a pity, as one of Punch's
correspondents remarks, that the day when this venerable mother
of the large family of the Eaton OTTECROSSE BUNNES departed this
life was not March 30, instead of March 24.
APBIL 14, 1877.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
167
OUR TARS OF THE FUTURE.
I ) i: u; PUNCH, to swimming quarters, their noses pointed to the nearest friendly
I HOPE that this letter, and the illustrations it contains, port, and the word given to strike out in the order and at the pace
may save our gallant tars from any scare about the White-head tor- best suited to the wind and weather. Cutlasses and axes would be
pedoes. Suppose our ships are destined to be blown to smithereens served out to baflle any attempt of the enemy to catch them in nets,
by a submarine shock, or smashed by a floating gun-carriage. The and provisions would be carried in'watertight caissons. There would,
worst that could happen would be that the crews would have to of course, always be the chance of their "getting a ship" by the way.
take the water. Of course they must be fitted for that element 1 1 think the future of the British sailor in war-time promises to be of
required to put on Boyton dresses before going into action, and
trained to perform the usual movements in blue water as coolly as with
dry deck-planks under their feet.
The moment their craft goes from under them they would be piped
the most amusing character little more, in short, than a brief cruise
in an iron-clad, followed by a prolonged period 01 aquatic sports and
pastimes. 1 am, Mr. P., yours ever,
A BUOYAST SPIRIT.
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.
DEAB MK. PUNCH,
I HEAD the other day, in the Western News, of a difficulty
that occurred at a marriage in Stoke Church Devqnport. The ring
was found missing at the critical moment! This, I believe, has
often happened before, but somebody has usually had presence of
mind to find a substitute. On this occasion no ring could be found
among the whole party, and the bride and bridegroom were going
away the one grumbling, the other scolding, when, happily, the
missing link was discovered, t'n the bowl of the bridegroom's pipe,
which he had been ill-bred enough to bring to Church in his pocket
on that day of all days !
Surely, my dear Mr. Punch, this thing is an allegory a warning
against the use of the nasty filthy pipe by new married men, lest in
that bowl, though not inebriating, the link between man and wife
as yet too tender to stand smoking should disappear.
I am, dear Mr. Punch, your disobedient servant,
A SMOKED WIFE.
HOW TO CURE AN IMPRUDENT ATTACHMENT.
Mntcrfamilias. What is to be done, my dear? He positively
doats on her !
Paterfamilias. Well, we must try to find him an antidote.
SWIMMING IN THE CITY.
IT may not be generally known that among the Institutions of the
City of London there exists a special Society for the cultivation of
the manly art of swimming. This is the London Swimming Club,
quartered at the City of London Baths, Barbican, E.C. On the part
of this Association, the Secretary, MB. J. WHALLET, announces their
offer " to instruct gratuitously all non-swimmers, or to recommend
professional instructors to those who can afford to pay for tuition,"
and also
" To assist the large wholesale houses of the City in forming swimming
clubs among their employe!, haying been exceedingly successful in similar
efforts in the East and West India Book Company, where all candidate* for
employment must either swim or undertake to learn in a stated time."
There is an obvious sphere of usefulness for a Swimming Club
in any Company employing persons about a Dock who may
tumble into it. Their assistance must also be serviceable to shops
and City employes, who often get into hot water, but not so often,
as they might to their own advantage, into cold. The principals of
some of those houses would be glad to learn how, under any cir-
cumstances, to keep their heads above water.
FOOD FOR THE STARVING Bute ABUSS. The " Provisions of the
Protocol"!
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 14, 1877.
A KIND SON.
Tio is at Bartholomew's). " GEORGE, THESE
CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE BUCK IXPENSIVE
Paterfamilias (to his Eldest Son, i
ABE UNCOMMONLY GOOD ClGARS ! I
CIGARS AS THESE."
George (grandly). " FILL YOtra CASE PILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER ! ! "
THE STUDIOS.
"BOUND LAST."
PRIVATE and Confidential. Look here, Mr. P. It really is not fair to
pretend that your Reporter was overcome by the hospitality he experienced. I
assure you it was the emotion ; and if I did turn into Primrose Hill Station-
House, it was simply because I mistook it for MR. FILDES' studio, where I
understood he was painting a pendant to his great work " The Casuals," the
title of which is to be " The Rear of the Van,'' an expressive and realistic
view of the unfortunate convicts, as they are handed from the Police Omnibus
to the cells. If I might suggest to the Artist, a better title would perhaps be
" The Cells and the Sold.' 1 ) But this by. the way. To say that I was there in
either a prostrate or a ridiculous position is to stab me with a Primrose ; and as
to WILLS giving me Bird's Eye, I was not in his studio at all last round ; and
when I teas there I was introduced to Miss CAVENDISH, who, no doubt, was
ordering her portrait or a leash of dramas (a reduction, don't you see, on taking
a quantity) ; and though her brilliant optic may have reminded me quite as
much of Bird's-Eye as of Cavendish, I know my manners better than to smoke
before a lady. All this, as I have intimated above, is strictly private ; and I
shall take it as a personal affront if you further abuse my confidence and my
conduct in your next number. Of course, if you didn't mean it, I apologise.
Your Reporter grieves to write " Round Last," but circumstances over which
he has not sufficient control will get the better of him. The fact is. I have had
a facer from cruel Fate that has knocked me into what is figuratively known as
" a cocked hat."
I received a card several cards elegantly printed, embossed, and gilt-
edged, from most of the Academicians, all the Associates, and crowds of the
unappreciated outsiders, begging me "to honour them with a visit," in fact
to accept their kind invitations to criticise their works with impartiality and
enthusiasm, only and there is much virtue in your "only" I was expected to
call on Sunday, the First of April ! Now your Reporter has no conscience-
troubled vacillations as to the right and wrong of visiting a studio on a Sunday
afternoon. There are no cornfields for him to walk through at that time of
year, and it is too chilly to be abroad in the meadows to view the young lambs
indeed I don't think it is good for the young lambs themselves. They run the
risk of cold, and though cold lamb, with mint-sauce, is not
to be sneezed at, lamb, with a cold, and sneezing, is not
pleasant. So as your critic can't pace the fields to study
the works of Nature, he does the other thing, sauntering
lazily from one work of Art to another, with much men-
tal profit and aesthetic advantage at the same time. But
your Reporter is not an ordinary bird, to be caught with
chaff or salt.
Private views, on the First of April ! No, you don't !
Two can play at that old game ! And yet would you
believe it ? it was all bond fide. Show-Sunday fell on
the first this year, and the only well, I will not say the
only fool, for I was misled by the cards of invitation, and
when I went round the studios on Tuesday (it was no use
going on Easter Monday, you know, for I am told all the
Artists go out of town on that anniversary to spend the
proverbial and much-advertised happy day at llosher-
ville, or the best substitute for it they can find at
Brighton or Woolwich Gardens), all the doors were shut
in my face with a grin of the shutters', and the informa-
tion that I knew very well all the pictures had "gone in."
What a loss this is to the critical and artistic public,
my dear Sir, I need hardly point out. Had not this most
unhappy contretemps interrupted the course of these
"rounds," I might have described MR. FRITH'S tre-
mendous effort, which he has entitled " The Crush a
Drawing-room at St. James's." I might have told how
on this crowded canvas the Aristocratic Countess, the
Distracted Dowager, and the Delicate Debutante are
seen tearing each other's lace flounces, brocade trains,
and damasses fixings, in the desperate charge of the six
hundred into the presence of Royalty.
I might have visited the studio of that Academician
of delicate feelings who puts a fan up when you men-
tion ETTT, and makes studies of the muscular system
from the stuffed lay-figureto whom the naked eye is an
indelicacy, and the bare walls of his own room a painful
impropriety. I would, probably, but for that unlucky
First, have written a sonnet on MR. SANDTS'S grand
drawing of " Medusa Defying the Consequences" or his
poem in black chalk of " Penelope Chewing her Back
Hair," though my lines could never come up to the
Artist's in purity and grace of outline.
I would have told you how MONSIEUR TISSOT (who has
become so English that he prefers being called SIR TISSOT,
Esquire) received me in his salon - conservatory, and
brought out for my decisive eye his charming study called
" The Female Four-Oar," four bewitching ballet-girls,
in sailor costume, rowing with the Artist as coxswain
down at Henley. I could have given you valuable infor-
mation about his allegorical picture, "Beauty as a Beast."
"Man, cherj' (he always speaks French to me,) "the
British Public wants more Poetry, more Sentiment. Eh
bien, I will give it them, man ami, tout chaud."
You should have heard how I called on BOTTGHTON,
and saw his "Primrose Family looking for themtefoes
in a Wood ; " how I revelled in a canvas of ORCHARD-
SON'S, fifteen feet long by two in height, called " Bill
Stickers Beware ! "a single murdered page lying in
the right corner with a dagger in his bosom, while the
top of a middle-aged head-dress, just seen above the
broken bottles, suggests a female interest in the unfortu-
nate victim, or how I took part in PETTIE'S Rapier and
Dagger Fight, all point and edge, snip and snap, slish
and slash, like Petruchio's wife's gown.
I could have mentioned STOREY'S " Pumps at Bath"
BRITTON RIVIERE'S " One Little Pig had none," HAT-
WOOD HARDY'S " Stampede at the Zoo," FRANK HOLL'S
" Undertaker's Delight,' VANDYKE BROWN'S " Definitive
and Decisive Burial of Harold's Body," and ROSE
MADDER'S " Cauliflowers and Melted Butter." But as
these pictures, like the Critic's Armada, were not in
sight, I could not see them, and so am reluctantly obliged
to be silent. And, after all, " silence is golden ; " so pay
me for mine a cheque will do and do not, in your
satirical way, insinuate that I was incapacitated by
numberless nips (Number Nip, by the way, is a malig-
nant fairy who might have tempted me into excesses),
from standing another Round.
No, Sir, this would be treatment worthy of low and
scurrilous publications, not received on the drawing-
room tables of Belgravia, or the boudoir chiffoniers of
Carlton Gardens. I repeat, Sir, my silence was due to
the fact that Show Sunday happened to fall on the
First of April a day of which I wish you many happy
returns.
APRIL 21, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
VICTORY OVER VANDALS.
I.KII.V, Mr.
your
clatnatiuu
"Out on
but frua.s
U' W-, \e
l dn
and dry '"
'n, a /i, l
u daily
lor a ly
.L-ics, ymr
must ii i
ye, owl
d .
No relief t<> Parlia-
mentary prose iiii'i
on?" \\V11,
Sir, Kcru is IM>IIII- set-off to dii-
cumtott, t couxmou-pla
twaddle ; to talcs of atrocities,
s, and VandaliMn.-..
Hero is exhilarating intelli-
gence. I quote the Times :
" llAMl'STEAU AND HlGUOAT*
KAII.WAY. MK. U. R. WILLIAMS
writt'8 to us from Oak Lodge, High-
K'atf, N. : "The Hill of the North
Metropolitan High Level i
Company has ju.>t I"
by its promoters. Thus Click, after
more than one fruitlos "
launch it, a scheme which would
i no one (ex< t'pt its
promoters), b:ivin{j no
feature of public utility U> i
mend it, and with the absolute certainty of spoiling two of the finest suburbs
of London.' "
Hooray I These are glad tidings, Sir, to myself at least, as one
who has the heart that can feel i"r :ui"thi r. Th' .1 at the
hands of the North Metropolitan Hi-h Level Railway Company,
happily averted from Hampstead and Highjjate, is the like of that
which my Common hag been threatened i'h l>y the London and
South-Western. I hope their project of encroachment will be de-
feated also by the effectual opposition of the Open Space Defenders
in Parliament to the Railway interest with their policy of steam
and ironi But to insure my delivery from the hands of those Philis-
tines who are doing their utmost to despoil me by adding inroad to
Railroad, pray, Sir, exhort my Parliamentary friends and well-
wishers to use careful watch for the preservation of the pleasant
vicinage of your suburban BABHES.
P,8. It is all very well to remove all impediments to progress,
but I dread the abolition of the toll on Hammersmith Bridge. One
consequence will be that my little quiet promontory, or peninsula,
will very soon be built all over, and I shall be surrounded and
suffocated with slums. Who will not be very much the less happy
for all this, and who any the happier but landlords and builders r
REVOLUTION AVERTED !
Mil. FlTNCIl,
Mv attention has been called to an article by the RIGHT.
HON. SIK HENRY Sc MNKR MAIM:, K.S.I., &c., in the current number
of the Furl nightly 7iYnVic (a periodical I am free to say I never read
before), in which he compares the feudal land-laws of England and
France, and shows, with convincing clearness, how the main cause
of the French Revolution that which not only brought it about,
but made it the horrid thing we all shudder at was the p< ouliar
hatred of the French peasant to the French seigneur. And \ t, us
Sn; HENKY goes on to show, almost all the incidents of French
tenure existed in England as in France. In fact the French peasant
was but the English copyholder under another name. How then
was it, he pertinently asks, that here in England we, having the
same evils, escaped a like curse ? Do not English hearts hum at
injustice and wrong? Do not Englishmen nurse grievances, ami
thirst for revenge r SIR HENBY is not the man to ask questions
and then run away from the answers. He tells us why it was.
No one of the incidents of feudal tenure was more oppressive ami
calling than the liability of the tenant to do taskwork for his lord.
In seed-time and at harvest he had to give a day's work for nothing.
He was driven reluctantly to the field, whither he went with a sore
heart, and which he left at eventide with muttered curses and half-
formed resolves. So grew the " rooted wrong," which it required
a Revolution to remove.
In this England of ours the same liability existed, but instead of
tears we had laughter instead of curses, songs. ' How is this ? There
was, so SIR HENRY tells us, a custom in England that though the
tenant trim bound at certain teatnni to gire his lord a day's tcork, the
, bound to 'U the close of ei-ery day so spent,
.1 >w ! The mystery is solved. The
plain to the
dinner-table.
iiiieal, they found
. mure potatoes than he Inn d, and they
labour and U> give the dinner.
Butti : Mii-xivid in the admirable pro]
of our : . possible occasion. It U the
, which has sax >n; HI:NKV show-, from horrors
ihle in the past. That it may long continue so to do in the
future, K the earnest prayer <>t Yours truly,
BENJAMIN BOOUERSOUHD,
(L'j with the sentiment, " May
our 1'iililii- J tinners never grow lem .' ")
\F..\l; M KM' INK.
EXPERIENCE OF AJT EYK AND NOSE.
By an Englishman in Italy.
TUE sheen of olive-leafage dickers o'er
'I ho shaded valley depths, like guardian steel
To keep from sunshine's ravage the rich store
Of flowers that those cool treasuries conceal.
In restful masses stand the pines on high,
In the deep hush of the unclouded sky.
The wind from seaward blows : no fitful gust,
But one harmonious march of fragrant air,
l'iri-k with the sharpness of the salt sea-dust,
Sweet with sprint; (lowers and piny odours rare :
That breathes, as with a loving hush, to still
The voice of maidens coming down the hill.
With laughing eyes beneath the kerchief's fold,
And smiling lips and queenly pose and gait,
They bear their lemon-baskets, filled with gold,
Like Grecian nymphs who on some goddess wait ;
A living picture in each vivid face,
And balanced form of free and simple grace.
A hush of converse as they draw anigh,
A coyness in the lift of nimble feet,
A consciousness of my regard, a shy
Half smile of welcome as our glances meet,
Like wind-swept sunshine over April grass,
And, Heavens ! the whiff of Garlic as they pass !
Opinions Differ.
" I think it is a matter for congratulation and rejoicing, in the circum-
stances, that I should have to state that there is a small surplus, no rmtunon
of taxation, and no intention on the part of the Government of imposing any
new tax." CHANCELLOR OF THE JixcBEQUER, Budget Speech.
PKKUATS the tax-payer may think otherwise. Perhaps he may
enu-ider that it is hardly "a matter for congratulation and re-
joicing" that there is "no remission of taxation." Or are we all
(the CHANCELLOR ov THK EXCHEQUER excepted) wrong? Is taxa-
tion a blessing in disguise, one which ought to make us grateful for
its imposition, thankful for its continuance, and discontented and
murmuring when it is remitted P
No Smoke without (Poetic) Fire.
HERE is one of the neatest things in poetical advertisement Punch
has come across for some time. It is from the Burnley Advertiser ;
' daily Young FEU*
Purchases hie Cigars
At Hi.Azr.K's shop,
Where the bet are.
When be want* good Smoking Mix-
And Snuff for his note ; [ture,
Gaily Young FEROVSOM
Purchases thoie."
The air aimed at seems to be the once fashionable "Qaily the
Troubadour ; " but the advertiser may say of his metre, as Ftubnt
says of his tobacco, " Short cut or long to me are all the same."
.V SPEAKER TO SOME 1'URI'OSE.
THE favourite interlocutory ejaculation of AHMED VEFIK P\-n \,
Speaker of the Turkish Parliament, it seems, is " Suss." Now
" Sutt " in German means " sweet." In Turkish it means " Shut
up ! " which is short and not sweet.
APRIL 21, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Liv Committees have
much to answer for.
(Monday, Aprils.)
MB. BOTJRKE, in
answer to a ques-
tion about reputed
Turkish outrages
on Christians in
Bosnia and Herzegovina, read long extracts from dispatches of MR.
HOLMKS, declaring he knew nothing about the outrages referred to,
but giving, instead, particulars of outrages on mottensive lurks by
offensive Christians. .
According to ME. HOLMES, all the mischief m these parts is owing
to the Slav Committees which bring about Christian brigandage
miscalled insurrection and that again has naturally drawn <
Turkish retaliation, and then we have a fuss made about
rages " and " atrocities." ...
MR HOLMES apparently considers the Turks in Bosnia a very ill-
used race. And Mu. HOLMES is on the spot-and has been there
ever so long, and knows all about it m a general way.
MB. BOURKE evidently enjoyed reading his despatches, as much
the Ministerial majority hearing them. To be sure MR. IORSTEB
was ill-bred enough to ask. even after the reading, whether MR.
HOLMES had been instructed to inquire into the particular cases ot
outrages referred to, and had so inquired; but MR. BOCRKE pro-
perly rebuked such peddling, pettifogging curiosity, and declare
that as the Consul was on the spot, he must know best what was
worth inquiring into and what wasn't, and that it wasn t for people
here to be giving him directions, and did MB. FOBSTKR know what
telegrams to tho!e out-of-the-way places cost P Altogether BOURM 8
night wi' HOLMES maybe pronounced a great success. In M
change style we should describe the Eastern market: "atrocities
Hat; and outrages below par "with no symptoms of rallying,
except among the more " chaffy " supporters of the Government.
A good deal of small picking and paring, nibbling and grumbling,
in Supply, but, to the best of Punch's knowledge and belief, not a
penny got rid of. Among the topics of conversation were House of
Lords officers in general, their work and pay, and among them
Black-rod in particular, who is to have a fixed salary < * "<**>,
instead of twice as much from fees which now are to be paid
into the Exchequer, out of which JOHN BPLLIS to make between tw
and three thousand a year. It oocurs.to Punch that, perhaps those
who pay the fees might claim to be heard m the matter.
cases of objectionable Office charges PuncA has observed that the
House's notion of reform, and 8 ^1 more the Treasury s is mrf
to abolish fees for doing nothing, but to transfer them .from the
odf grumbling about the cost of Surveyors and the
number of Surveys under the Merchant Shipping Act. What would
people have ? First they insist on surveyors and surveys, and then
they quarrel because the one find plenty of work to do, and the
other cost money ! Poor SIR CHABLES ADDULKY may complain as
the drummer did, of the unreasonableness of the man he was flogging,
" Hit high, or hit low, there 's no pleasing you.
172
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1877.
APPROPRIATE.
-" SAYS THE OLD OBADIAH TO THE YOUNG OBADIAH,
' I BEGIN TO FEEL BATHER DRY." "
iver the Government, on his motion for completing the reparation
itill due by England to one of its greatest and most hardly-used
naval heroes, the late LORD DUNDONALD. What need to tell the
story that shames us all of the hero's undeserved disgrace, and
Sngland's or rather her Ministers' long delayed atonement for it ;
and, when after eighteen years' undeserved exclusion from the
Service he had so helped to make glorious, LORD DCTNDONAID, a
grey-haired, shattered, impoverished, but still unconquered man,
was restored to his naval rank how his pay for all those years of
unmerited exclusion from the field of honour, duty, and service, was
still withheld.
Thanks to her blood, BRITANNIA has always had the good feeling to
jlush for this ; and to-night showed she had pluck besides to
brush aside the pitiful pleadings of the Government that would have
sacrificed justice to miserable technicality or more miserable nig-
gardliness. // Angleterrc le veult and, of course, La Reine le vault
and so " LET SIGHT BE DONE." The death-bed demand of the grand
old ill-used Admiral will be granted, and the little he could leave
o the inheritors of his honours will be increased by what the
3overnment so long kept back from the hero himself.
Row SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE came to play, not for the first
;ime, the childish game of first squaring up, and then knuckling
down, Punch not knowing cannot say. But call you THIS "leading
of your friends ? " Punch calls it sneaking after them.
ME. JAMES moved to empower the House to poke its nose
into the City Companies their revenues, and the spending thereof.
"When the Mutiny Bill came on, SIR A. GORDON rose to deprecate
the bringing of the whole body of Militia Officers under that for-
midable measure. MR. PETEB TAYLOR complained of the Mutiny
Bill being rammed down his throat at a quarter to one o'clock.
Fancy courteous HABDY ramming anything down anybody's throat,
at any hour, in these mild days. Though he might have been ex-
cused if he had tried to ram something down the throats of that
pestilent pair, BIGGAE and PABNELL, when they rose, like unwhole-
some exhalations, one after the other, against going, into Committee,
and HABDY, amidst a chorus of laughter, at once knocked under
to the infliction.
If this goes on, something will have to be done ! The idea of a dis-
cussion on the Mutiny Bill ! We shall 'next have Magna Charta
made matter of a motion by DR. KENEALY.
Tuesday. SIR. W. BABTTELOT and no wonder wants to know
about Outbreaks of Cattle-plague at Willesden. A good many,
besides SIB WALTER, want to know more on this very unpleasant
subject than the Privy, or any other, Council can tell them. One
particularly ugly fact in the matter is the possibility, if nol
more, that it may be the inspectors who disperse the germs oi
infection. If that be so, we may well ask, "Quis custodiet ipsos cus-
todes?" who will inspect the inspectors ^and disinfect the disin-
fectors ?
ME. COOPER is to have his Committee on aggravating old
Father Thames's trick of getting out of his bed in wet weather,
though the Lords are about to have their own Select Committee or
River Conservancies and their duties, a reference one might have
thought big enough to take in even Father Thames and his tricks.
PETER TAYLOR, that mortal enemy of the "harmless necessary
Cat," was within 42 of getting it chivied out of the Navy without
leaving one of its nine tails Tbehind. Punch is inclined to parody
the Laureate, " The Cat is going let him go? " Now we have come
down to seven floggings a year, it would seem as if it can hardly be
worth keeping so many Cats to catch so few mice. Still Captains like
to know there is a Cat in the cupboard, to be let out of the bag on grea'
occasions as Judges like to have a gallows to fall back on, in
extreme cases. But the Navy Cat is doomed, though all know Cats to
be the hardest of diers, and this one seems to carry a life, if not nin
lives, at each of his nine tails.
But if PETER TAYLOB all but triumphed over EGERTON and his
Cat, SIR ROBERT ANSTBUTHEB, with nothing stronger than justice
and the national conscience for supporters, completely triumphec
possibly entertain "not wisely but too well ; " but Punch, like Par-
liament, is an honoured guest at the guild-tables, and why should
he, or it, turn round to rend its entertainers ? Else why has
England the inestimable blessing of a Conservative Government ?
PEASE seconded the amendment! Green pease, indeed, if he
thought anything was 'to come of it ! ISAAC forbade the sacrifice.
COTTON thrust himself in the ears of the House to bar hearing of
such an impious demand. BOWYER shot his bolt, and hit that centre
of JOHN BULL'S eye, on which is written " private propputy" in
letters of gold. FORSYTE, lawyer-like, showed there was "no
case" against the Companies, except that their dinners were too
good, and had often disagreed with him (FORSYTE) the only dis-
agreement that had ever darkened the sweet intercourse between
him and those dear guilds. JENKINS wrestled with SIB A. PEEL for
the SPEAKEB'S eye, and caught it, but alas ! catching the SPEAKER'S
eye is not winning the House's ear ; and though E. J. discharged a
volley of hard facts, they hurt not, only rattled. And finally the
SOLICITOR-GENERAL laid the verdant wreath of a maiden 'speech
upon the head of the guardian goddess of Guildhalla and proved
that the Livery Company was the Club of its day, only on a
grander scale, and with nobler objects mixed with its baser ele-
ments of eating and drinking ; and amidst the cheers of a jubilant
majority, deprecated the idea that private property was to be unset-
tled by any impertinent rudeness of the Parliamentary inquiry kind.
Alas, what was JAMES'S powder against such great guns! So
JAMES got what he deserved a majority of 96 against him, in a
division of 168 to 72.
On the Town Councils and Local Boards Bill, BIGGAR stopped the
way, as usual.
Wednesday. MR. WADDY moved his Bill for Compulsory Regis-
tration of Newspaper Proprietors, which MR. COWEN opposed, unless
coupled with repeal of the law which makes newspaper proprietors
criminally as well as civilly responsible for the acts of their employes.
MB. COWEN is a newspaper proprietor and knows where the shoe
pinches. But everybody knew where ME. WADDY meant his shoe to
pinch and it was clear that it had pinched in that quarter, when
the Irrepressible Doctor rose to defend those practices of the English-
man which Englishmen condemn. He declared that he had been
ruined by "telling the truth" (!), and that had he been a slave, a
coward, a liar, and a man ready to justify falsehood, he would not
have been in his present position. Now the Doctor's position in the
House may be a painful one, but he was scarcely wise to refer to it
so pointedly. This reference provoked ironical cheers : they provoked
the Doctor into scornful allusion to the " mean quarter" they came
from; that provoked ME. SUI.LIVAN into as .neat a thonging of
the Doctor and his antecedents press and other as Irish cleverness
ever succeeded in veiling under terms that the SPEAKER could not
take hold of ; that provoked the Doctor, when the Division carried
the House into the lobbies, to call MR. SULLIVAN a naughty and
altogether unparliamentary name with no veil whatever ; and
that brought MR. SULLIVAN back to tell MB. SPEAKEB what the
Doctor had done ; that brought the Doctor on his legs to admit
the naughty name ; and that compelled MR. SPEAKER after a
moment's hesitation, as the naughty word had been used in the
lobby and not in the House on the suggestion of MB. FORSTEE,
seconded by ME. CBOSS, to call on the Doctor to withdraw the
naughty name and apologise for having used it, which the Doctor
APRIL 21, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET, OVER PARKINS AND GOTTO'S, ON ALL FOOLS'
DAY (APRIL IST).
A GOOD BEGINNING.
As a student of Natural History and
Esculent Economy, Mr. Punch has much
pleasure in quoting the compendious Police
Report annexed. The other day
"At Bow Street, SIB JAMES INOHAH grunted
the first summonses, seven in number, under the
Wild Fowls Preservation Act, 39 i 40 Vi. t.
c. 29, . 2, against three poulterer! and fish-
mongers for buying in their potsenion wild
ducks, plovers, &c."
Since fishmongers turned poulterers by
selling game and wildfowl out of season,
they nave lost that special character for
probity which Hamlet gives them when, in
reply to Puloniuix disavowal of being a
fishmonger, he rejoins, "Then I would
yon were so honest a man." Nobody can
consider a dealer in habitual complicity
with poachers and the like rogues worthy
to be picked oat as an example of honesty.
That virtue, it is to be hoped, will be en-
forced on fishmongers and poulterers by
proceedings under the abovenamed statute,
now that the Press having taken up offences
against it, the Police are taking up the
offenders.
Disappearance of a Forger.
THE Italian Astronomers are seeking
most anxiously for the Planet Vulcan, said
to have disappeared suddenly from his usual
post in the heavens. We are very much
afraid the old smith will be found forging
the weapons of Mars. Inquire at KKUPP 8 or
ARMSTRONG'S.
did. and so the matter ended leaving Stoke to be congratulated on
such a Member, the Press on such an assertor of its liberty, and the
House on such an illustration of the liberty in practice.
Thunday. The Irrepressible Doctor up again, declaring, in a
notice he gave of questions he meant to ask, that he did not regret
having called ME. SULLIVAN by the naughty name yesterday, though
he had been compelled to apologise for it. This is quite in the
Doctor's manner. He was at onee called upon by the SPEAKER to
apologise for not regretting, which he did. The Doctor seems always
ready to apologise, and then to " go and do it again."
And then came the Budget. And the Budget came to nothing.
As SIR STAFFORD calculates on a margin of 226,000, between his
estimated revenue of 79,020,000 and his estimated expenditure of
78,794,044, he feels himself driven neither to the "inexhaustible
bottle " nor the inexhaustible income-tax payer. That so long-
growing boy Revenue, having ceased to grow, there is no need of
new measures for his financial suit in 1877-78. If only his last
year's clothes prove big enough for him !
Friday : The Ix)rds reassembled. Creation announced of a new
Chancery Judge.
(Common*.) LORD HARTIRGTON'S motion for papers in connection
with the Protocol, brought up his lordship, SIR V. HABCOUBT,
MR. FORSYTE, SIR C. DILXE, and MR. GOSCHKN to speak for the
Turkish Christians, their claims on Europe, and the duty of en-
forcing these on the Turk even by co-operation with Russia and
coercion if need be, under the paramount obligations of duty,
right and humanity and MR. HARDY, SIB WILLIAM FRAZER,
DR. KENEALY, MR. ROEBUCK, MR. HASBURT, MB. BUTLKB-JOHN-
STONE, and the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, to speak for the
Turkish Government, its pluck in resisting the pressure of the
Powers, the duty of standing aloof from Russia and coercion, and
the paramount obligations of self-interest. The case on both sides
was put clearly, strongly, and at length ; but of course, no motion
came of it, and no division. MR. HARDY does not admit that the
last word for peace has yet been spoken, though the Pans Asinorwn
lias broken down. Nothing like hardihood. Punch can only see the
war-cloud drawing nearer and nearer. What will the face of Europe
be like, when it rolls away after having discharged its thunders ?
YOEKSHIBE ATROCITY !
Wt: read in the Times that the bodies of the four Latin Doctors
not long since removed from Bristol, have been fixed, one on each
of the pinnacles of the tower of East Herlerton Church. MAcCoLL
to the rescue !
MARRIAGE UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
DEAB MR. PTJSCH.
HERE is a little bit of news, which may be interesting to
some of your Young Lady readers :
" An Armenian wife, until she becomes a mother, never speaks to anybody
but her husband, excepting in a whisper. She is not allowed even to convene
with her nearest relations. Her jewellery and drees can only be shown to
those of her own sex."
What a comfort it is that England is not like Armenia I Who
would ever wish to marry, if one was not allowed to speak, excepting
in a whisper, nor to wear one's diamonds when one went out to
dinner ? Why, half the pleasure of a bride consists in showing her
new finery, and in talking of her trousseau ! and fancy being forced
to do so in a whisper, as though one were ashamed of it ! To be
sure, Armenian wives may make exception of their husbands from
their usual mode of whispering, and just conceive, poor things, how
they must revel in the privilege ! Oh, my goodness f how my tongue
would go at my dear JOHNNY, if I might not raise my voice excepting
when I talked to him ! GERALDINE GREYMABK
(nfe BOUNCEB).
CHRISTIANITY PER ADVERTISEMENT.
PUNCH can quite understand the comfort of getting really god-
fearing servants, for they are likeliest to be true to their masters
and their duty. But he doubts if the best way to get them is to
advertise this particular requirement in large letters, as thus, in
these two advertisements tine one from a North of England, the
other from a Scotch, paper :
WANTED, a capable General WORKING WOMAN, in a small,
quiet family in the country. A Christian at heart, a Teetotaller, and a
Singer would be valued. Address, &c.
ANTED, as HOUSEKEEPER, a Christian Female, Accustomed to
Poultry. Address, &c.
W
A TEETOTAL RECHRisrENiNo (for the tcorit of spirits). It is a
misnomer to call Gin " Old Tom." It ought to DC denominated
' ' Old Harry. "
MOTTO FOR THE LONG FIRM. " Order is Heaven's first law."
174
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[ApuiL 21, 1877.
OH, IF WE WERE TURKS!
AND the Speaker were AHMED VEFIK PASHA, then might we read
in some night's report of the voice of our Collective Wisdom :
"The House of
Commons met at
four o'clock.
"ME. WH-LL-T
rose to call the atten-
tion of the House to
the condition of a
certain unfortunate
nobleman languish-
ing in Dartmoor.
He also wished to say
a few words about
the alleged fasting
during Lent of DR.
MANNING.
"The SPEAKER.
' Shut up, you ineff-
able donkey ! '
"ME. B-GO-H
(M K . WH-LL-T
having retired) said
that he had put on
the paper motions
for the reading that
day six months of
thirty - six Bills of
avowed public uti-
lity. Still, he had
no objection to learn-
ing from the Chair
(for which he had the
utmost respect) the
opinion of the Right
Hon. Gentleman
upon the course he
proposed to pursue.
1 'The SPEAKER said
all he had to say on
the matter was con-
tained in his recom-
mendation to the last
speaker, which he
begged to repeat.
"MR.P-EN-L(MH.
B-GO-E having with-
drawn all his Amend-
ments) said he was
most desirous of
reading a rather
voluminous series of
extracts from a mis-
cellaneous collection
of Blue Books. Be-
fore commencing his
entertainment, how-
ever, he was very
desirous of learning
the SPEAKEE'S
opinion upon the
matter. He might
here say that he re-
garded the Chair
with feelings of the
liveliest respect and
admiration.
"The SPEAKER said
it was very gratify-
ing to him to hear
such very nattering
sentiments, and all
the more so as his
only acknowledg-
ment of them must
be conveyed in the
same useful dissyl-
lable ' Donkey 1 '
" The SPEAKER said the statement the House had just listened to
he was sure did equal honour to the heart and head of the Honour-
able and Learned Gentleman who had just resumed his seat. The
only hint of any value that he thought he could throw out was (under
the special circum-
stances of the case),
1 Donkey ! '
"SiET-sCH-MB-s
then retired amidst
much cheering.
"Ms. H-LMS said
t^hat for many
months he had been
preparing a long
speech about Army
Reform. He knew
very little of the
subject, but was pre-
pared to occupy the
time of the House
fully for several
hours. He lived, as
a general rule, in
Scotland, and more
than once had de-
clined to be present
at the inspection of
the Militia Regi-
ment stationed in
the borough he had
the honour to re-
present. He be-
lieved he had been
invited to that in-
spection so that he
might see with his
own eyes that his
absurd attacks upon
that Constitutional
Force were unme-
rited. Under these
circumstances, be-
fore commencing his
harangue, he would
be very glad to listen
to any remark the
SPEAKER (who well
merited his esteem)
had to offer upon
the occasion.
"The SPEAKER said
he was always ready
to oblige any Mem-
ber of this honour-
able House, and
therefore would con-
fine himself to ob-
serving, 'Don-
key!'
" MR. H-LMS hav-
ing resumed his seat,
the real business of
the Sitting was com-
menced without fur-
ther interruptions."
IN THE HEAD AND FEET.
Wife (reproachfully). " OH, GEORGE ! AGAIN !"
Husband. " BEG Y'R PAR'N, M? DVAR ! NOR ABIROFIT BEEN T'SBB WESHT'N AN'
J LEARY WAIKIN' ROTJN' AN' ROUN' AN' ROITN' MA' ME JUSH A LI'LE GIRRY THASH ALL !
BESIDES, GOT A PAIR OF THOSE ' SCREWED BOOTS ' ON. SEEN 'EM ADVERTISED HAVEN'T
YOU?"
Art
Intelligence.
NOT satisfied with
making the Albert
Memorial like an
over-grown drink-
ing-fountain, it is
now proposed to
cover it with a gi-
gantic cucumber-
frame, as an antes-
thetic pendant to the
SIR T-M-S CH-MB-S (MR. P-RN-L having retired with his Blue | Albert Hall that monument of preposterous growth, which only
looks) said that he had several hobbies to ride. The exercise would ; empty sound, will ever fill, much to the chagrin of the shareholders,
consume a large amount of very valuable time. Under these cir- , The Memorial is not a beautiful picture as it stands, but will hardly
cumstances he would be glad to take a hint from the SPEAKEE a be improved by framing and glazing,
ight Honourable Gentleman for whom he had the greatest possible
veneration.
THE PUBLIC HEALTH. None the worse for the Budget.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APRIL 21, 1877.
, .
LET WELL ALONE!"
TOT CONJDBOH or THE EXCHEQUER. "NO, NO, PUNCHEY, WE SHAN'T WANT THE 'INEXHAUSTIBLE BOTTLE'
THIS TIME ! NO OCCASION TO ALTER THE BILL FOR ONCE ! "
APRIL 21, 1877.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
177
DIARY OF MY RIDE TO KHIVA.
or* by the Editor to the
Public. Our Eques-
trian Representative
professes to send us
telegrams daily by the
private cable with which;he 1ms furnished himself. These messages are not transmitted
to us direct, but through a friend of his, who can interpret the cipher. We do not, for
one moment, throw a doubt on Our Representative's integrity, but we cannot forget that
one of Our Representatives did not go to India, though he pretended to accompany
H.R.H. the PRINCK OF WALES on his tour, and therefore as " once bitten, twice shy, we
must make assurance doubly sure (though nothing can double or equal Our Representa-
tive's assurance, if he is not at this moment riding to Khiva) before we offer ourselves as
guarantees to the Public for his good faith. We publish his last letter before starting,
which we consider as an important item in the case.
DEAR SIR,
TH K horse suited me to a T. He has been packed up, so much paid on account,
and he is now off for Dover. Of course I shall not ride him this side of the Channel.
My equestrian career will begin between Paris and St. Petersburg. At one time I had
got a great mind (I always have a great mind, so that's nothing new) to ride to Khiva on
a bicycle. But for political reasons, which you will appreciate, I have given up the idea.
I was afraid that some confusion would arise in the Mahommedanor Russian mind between
Bicycle and Protocol; and any complication at this moment should be, particularly,
avoided.
1 enclose the list of subscriptions for my Journey to Khiva. They look very well.':
j. rf.
One who Knows You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10
din' who doesn't Know you, and doesn't 'Want to .. .. .. 6
A Friend who would see you further first 1
A Few of the Inmates at Colney Hatch (per the Milkman\ . .. .. .. .. 3 1J
A Constant Header, who is most anxious that you should eo to Khiva, and stop there . . 10
A K,M! Lady .. .. ... .. .. .. ..003
A Resident at Jericho .. .. .. .. .. Oil
Three Stamp Collectors at Bath 4}
(>m> who wishes you may get it .. .. .. .. .. ..1000
A Believer . . . . . . . . . . . . , . . . . . . . . , ..020
A Weary Admi:er 12 6
A.8. S.' 20
One who has mot you once, and is glad to hear of your going away for a considerable
time. (N.B. This donation is on eondition of your being away for six months.
It will be continued yearly, if you never return to England.) .. .. ..50
A Job-master (who will willingly supply i. d.
the hone for riding to Khiva, if paid
in advance) 2 6
One who never wants to see you again . 100
Central Pressure Association . . . . 1 6
A True Friend (on condition of your
going to Khiva, and nnt writing
anything at :ill for the next ten years) 600
With numerous others, with or without con-
ditions. However, on the strength of a certain
amount down, and promises, I have started
or, I should say. before you receive this, 1
shall have started ; for
I 'm off to Khiva rtrly in the morning,
I ' m off to Khiva afore de broke o' day !
I '11 fill my bag with lots of little yellow boyt,
I 'm off to Khiva afore de broke o day !
And so farewell for the present. You'll
have a telegram from me in less than no time.
Terms for telegrams will vary according to
the length of the iin-isnge, the value of the
communication, and the distance to be travelled
by the electric spark. But don't be alarmed,
yon are safe in the hands of
YOUR RIDIITO Rw>HESEHTATrv.
Here follows the
DIARY.
(On the road to Khiva.)
Tuetday.Left St. Petersburg early. [I
pass over my ride from Paris to St. Petersburg,
as nothing happened of any consequence,
was belated for one night, and ran short of
provisions ; but you know what a good
Legerdemainist I am well, I made an
omelette in my hat, drank a glass of Pommard
(this sounds like something for the hair, but it
isn't, when properly pronounced) from the
inexhaustible bottle (both tricks are worth a
traveller's while to learn <nd for a soldier
the cannon-ball in the hat is most useful, of
course I have the whole bag of tricks with me),
made an orange tree grow, took an orange for
dessert, and went to sleep. Neit afternoon I
was ready aye ready.] Rode for fifty miles.
7.30 A.M. Came on a dead Flat. No name or
address. Wondered who he was. Telegraphed
to Necropolis Company to say there was- a job
on hand, would they undertake it ?
8.50. Very cold. Saw a Frozen Sound.
This will give you some idea of what NEORETTI
AND ZAMBRA might mean when they say,
" How cold it has been to-day ! " Always
thought (till I knew they sola barometers)
that NEQRKTTI AND X AM BRA were clog-dancers,
or nigger duettists, at a Music Hall, with a
breakdown. Wonderful sight a Frozen Sound.
Perhaps it was the last sound uttered by the
dead Flat. I put it into my cornet- a-puton,
and blew it to warm it " No effects," as they
say at my bank. My Driver, who accompanies
me on a sleigh (this isn't a musical instrument,
so you mustn't be misled when I say he
" accompanies me on it"), observed that " he
thought it was an echo from the hills, which
had lost its way, and been frozen to death."
12 mid-day. Stopped to lunchiki, as we
call it in this country. The Driver eats tallow
candles, wheel grease, and drinks tricktki a
Russian spirit distilled from candle-ends. A
Russian never takes a bath, he always goes in
for a dip.
2. Between Drjnkomaviski and Bakkakhan.
Lost our way, and dined with a fanner. He
aid he thought there wouldn't be any war.
At least he hadn't heard anything about it.
After dinner, I slept in a pigstye. and resumed
my journey at 4 A.M. Took with me a little
pig. Poor little chap, he squealed very much,
antt nearly woke the farmer, who would have
been grieved to part with him. So I put a
fagin its mouth, and thus avoided what might
ave been a painful scene. Removed gag when
at a distance of two miles from the farm. I
178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AfRiL 21, 1877.
DOWN ON HER.
Butclier. " YOU'VE NOT BREN 'AVIN' bo MANY J'INTS THIS LAST WEEK OR TWO, MA'AM."
Lady (who has been dabbling in American beef, but does iwt dare say so). " EE NO ER
WE'VE HAD A GOOD DEAL OF GAMS SENT ITS LATELY BY SOME FRIENDS IN THE NORTH, YOU
KNOW ! "
Butcher. " INDEED, MA'AM ! Now, WHAT SORT OF GAME DO THEY SEND YOU IN THE
MONTH o' APRIL, MA'AM ! "
A WORD ON WINE MEASURE.
IN a column of news the following remark
is made in the Morning Post respecting an
oddly named liquor described as "this in-
defectible wine :
"LORD BOLINOHROKE (we think) maintained
ridicule was the test of truth : the Specialite
Sherry has passed this test most amply, for it
has had no small share of ridicule ; but, in spite
of all, it holds its own."
But non constat that because ridicule is
the test of truth, it is also the test of wine.
Nobody dreams of ridiculing true port or
sherry, although one hundred and twenty-
six gallons of them, we know, make a butt.
Suppression by Hose and Jet.
THE House of Commons laughed con-
sumedly when ever-vigilant PETER TAYLOR
described the very original way of the
Holborn Vestry of bringing the law to bear
on the Sunday traders in Leather Lane,
viz., by drenching their goods with car-
bolic acid from a water-cart. The Vestry
must have borrowed the notion from re-
corded cases of mobs dispersed by fire-
engines. The Vestry deserves the credit
of having discovered a short, sharp, and
decisive process for abating what is, no
doubt, to all respectable Holborners, a very
serious nuisance ; though, perhaps, small
Sunday buyers, as well as Sunday sellers,
may have something to say on the matter.
But is the Vestry quite sure that the pale
of the Law will hold carbolic acid ?
Travellers See Strange Things.
" IT would," says a commercial journal,
with less elegance than perspicacity, " be
curious to follow one pound of China or
Italian silk through its various processes
till it reaches a silk dress." No doubt ;
but would it not be still more curious to
follow (at a perfectly safe distance) one
feminine mind through ditto to ditto ?
THE DEGBEE OF BUNG. Licentiate of
the Bench of Beaks.
shall educate this pig : as he has commenced by having a " gag "
in his mouth, perhaps I had better bring him up for the stage. Put
my horse tandem-fashion in the sleigh, so as to allow myself more
leisure for teaching the pig.
11 A.M. Pig already beginning to master his letters. I fancy some
one has given him his rudiments before. There is a twinkle in his
eye that I don't half like. One thing is comparatively reassuring,
he does not show much aptitude for cards.
Friday. Came to a sign-post. Examined it. Found I had been
for two days riding towards Persia. Worked my compass and took
a turn to the right. After lunchski, had half a game at Beggar
my Neighbour with the Pig, and rode on. Pig improving, but still
stupid. He will cry whenever he sees the Ace of Spades, and I can't
make out why. The sleigh-driver doesn't know.
6 P.M. Cold and raw. So cold and so raw that I shall be very
glad when it 's hot and quite done. Arrived at a shebeenski rejoicing
in the sign of The Rose Bud. Called for some of their best, and
" nipped " it in the Bud. Gave Piggy a drop of strong toickski.
It made his tail curl. Piggy vain of the effect, but evidently much
pleased, and wanted to play me at ecarte. Refused. But what I
will do is to teach Piggy All Fours. If he learns it, I can make a
fortune, as no one knows the game out here. Sat up all night
hard at work with Piggy. Driver asleep.
Next Day. Met a Tartar Gentleman on the road. He asked us to
share his dinner with him potski-luckski. as they call it here.
We accepted ; my sleigh-driver, myself, and the pig. The Tartar
Gentleman got the worst of it at dinner, as we were three to one.
After dinner played him at All Fours. The Tartar Gentleman won
the first game, but we played three more. Cleared him out of his
roubles, and rode on quickly in the direction of Khiva.
The Tartar Gentleman subsequently rode away to the nearest
Police Station. In consequence of this, we had a difficulty later on
at a Russian Stashunhouski, but fortunately made friends with the
Inspektorski, who was much amused with the Pig's tricks, also with
my omelette in the hat, inexhaustible bottle, and little Joey in the
bag. I gave him an invitation to call on me whenever he might be
coming to town, and then rode on, Iriskli, as we say in Russia, in
the direction of Khiva. Rub a Russian the right way, and you
won't catch a Tartar. Expect next telegram in a couple of days, as
snow-storms have set in, and there 's a talk of Wolves coming down
and attacking Travellers. Now for real excitement !
I don't wish to throw any discredit on a gallant officer, but no
one knows CAPTAIN BTJENABY on the road that I am riding to
Khiva. Odd. Just heard a Wolf in the distance. If one comes
too near, I shall mention MB. GLADSTONE'S name to him, and see if
that will frighten him. No signs of one at present. Great cry, but
very little Wolf.
more than eighteenpence an hour.
CHTJECH AND STAKE.
AMONGST the distinguished Clergymen who have lately come for-
ward to take part in the current clerical disputes, is one whose
name may suggest a consolatory reflection, the REV. DE. IRONS
What a comfort to think that, for all the burning questions now 11
debate amongst ecclesiastics, the Church has not more than one of
its irons in the fire.
APRIL 21, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE I. ON 7 DON CHARIVARI
179
HE THOUGHT HE WAS SAFE.
Irascible OM Gentleman. " BOY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUT
A COMB FOE? You IION'T SEE ANT HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO lou?"
Unlicensed Hawker. " J,OR' BLESS YKR, Sml YBR DON'T WANT NO 'Am ON
YER 'KAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB I I "
COOL, VERY !
THK following impudent advertisement appeared the other day in a widely-
circulated Western paper :
A Comfortable HOME OFFERED, in a Clergyman's family, iu South Devon, to a
Lady willing to pay 40 a year and devote some time daily to instruction (good
French and German). Address, &c.
The young Lady who wrote to the address given with this wonderfully cool
offer received the following reply, which Punch thinks worth giving verbatim :
" MADAM, MR. has commissioned me to reply to your letter received this morn-
ing. MR. is a widower ; I have managed his household since his wife's death, for the
last six years. Besides Mu. and myself, the family consists of two young ladies, aged
sixteen and eighteen, and two little boys, eight and eleven respectively ; the younger ol
these you would be required to teach, as he is backward. I think one hour a day would be
sufficient for him at first. Could you teach the rudiments of Latin ? as he would ultimately
require it. Good French and German is necessary for the young ladies. They are pre-
paring for the Cambridge Local, and attend classes under a Master for the other branches,
Musir included ; at the same time they would much value any assistance you could give
them in their English studies, by way of explanation, in Grammar and Arithmetic, for
instance. They have no time iit present for Drawing, but might be glad of it afterwards.
May I ask if you Sing ? I can most decidedly promise you a comfortable and happy
home. We are a few minutes' walk from the sea, and the Plymouth Hoe is a pleasant
promenade. The Devonshire scenery is very good. The young ladies, I think, would be
able to take in French and German about three times a week, about two hours each day,
as their time at present is very much taken up ; however, this, if you come to us, you
could talk over with them. Would you mind sharing a large and airy bed-room with
them, if necessary ? as I hardly know yet whether I should be able to ofler you a separate
one. You would find them pleasant and ladylike girls. We have one or two local
associations in the town, if you like joining the classes. I think I have now mentioned
all particulars, and shall be pleased to hear from you as soon as possible. Believe me, &c."
The young Lady replied, expressing her regret that she could not avail
herself of these proffered advantages.
" The truth is " (she added) " I have accepted an engagement at a salary of .100 a year,
where my duties will be scarcely heavier than with you, and where I shall have a large
and airy room for my own separate use. I truit this delay will
cause you no inconvenience in dealing with the many applica-
tion* you have doubtless received, and hope you may soon meet
with a lady, knowing tour languages thoroughly, who, in return
for her meals and the third part of a bed-room, will be glad to
pay you 10 a year, and devote her time and acquirement* to
your si-rvice."
BIRDS AND BRUTES.
BLOSSOMS on blackthorn bush are white ;
On whitethorn opening leaves are green.
There 's dandelion blazing bright ;
There 'a shiny lesser celandine.
And Ihere in yonder lane those three
Where nigh the bank cow-parsley grows
'Mid nttlles did you ever see
Three more unlovely Cads than those '(
Ill-favoured, unwashed, grimy knaves!
What is it that the fellows do
With nets and cages, traps and staves ''.
And on a Sunday morning too !
Bird-catchers they, their cruel trade
Who reckless e'en in close-time ply,
And the Act 'gainst such caitiffs made
In favour of poor birds, defy.
An Act by hands unskilful framed,
In phrase derisive styled " Tom-tit's."
In which the Chaffinch ne'er is named,
And which the Linnet too omits.
And so their traps yon wretches lay,
And spread their toils from hindrance free.
" We 're oatchin' Chaffinches," they say ;
Or, " Only arter Linnets we."
., pray,
1 What songsters lse are those, then
Which you in several cages bear V '
"Oh, them, they're call-birds, all o' they ;
We ain't cotch none o' them birds there."
" Say is there green in Punch's eye,
That with such chaff he should be ' had ' 'f
Sirrah, thou liest shamefully :
Thou dirty, graceless, vulgar Cad !
" For Goldfinch, Greenfinch, Mavis, Mirle,
And warblers all. thy snares are set.
For scoundrels fresh from early purl,
All's bird, that comes within the ntt.
" Where 's the Police ? might be our cry,
To collar thee and all thy crew.
Too oft they 've other fish to fry
Offenders even worse than you.
" But when they can. your little game
They are the gamekeepers to end.
For whom more fitting can we name
Than Bobby, to be Dicky's friend Y''
"Come, mild Persuasion!"
IN consequence of the report of the Committee on
Railway Accidents, the Government so says MR. An-
CEKLEY is going to confer with the Railway Companies,
to see what steps in the way of protecting the live* of
their servants and passengers they are willing to take,
voluntarily not upon compulsion, mind. The Govern-
ment hates compulsion " like an unfilled can." Like 6Vr
John Falstaff"\i reasons were as plentiful as black-
berries, they would not give one upon compulsion."
Their rule is, in fact, the reign of may, not must. After
refusing to coerce Tnrks, with what consistency could
they coerce Railway Companies ?
LEAVES OF A DIFFERENT KIXD.
IT was said that PRIXCE BISMARCK had taken leave of
Power. It turns out that he has only token leave of
absence.
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 21, 1877.
/ESTHETIC ECONOMY.
LAST number of " Fors Cla-
rigera " is curious as well as
interesting, on account of
the details there given of
the author's budget. ME.
RUSKLN, in his own words,
has "unveiled the statue of
his economy," and ? though
no one who reads will accuse
him of ostentation, it would
be difficult to say exactly
what it is that has prompted
imitators of the great art-
critic's out - spokenness to
besiege Mr. Punch's letter-
box. Among the letters called
into existence by the example
of this high aesthetic autho-
rity the following may be
cited :
To Mr. Punch, Fleet Street.
SIB, April 1.
You will be glad to
hear that, on the death of
my father, who was a cele-
brated Liverpool miser, I
inherited a sum producing
something like 70,000 per
annum, which placed me above absolute want. My first financial
investment was the purchase of a lovely wife of good family. By this
transaction I realised considerably, as I introduced some excellent
mortgages to my wife's relations, and disposed of much shaky pro-
perty to an immense advantage. I thought it rather hard on my own
family that my father should have left them nothing, and volun-
teered to invest their small fortunes in some excellent Companies of
which I am paid Director. I relieved my conscience at the same
time by purchasing for my wife a splendid suite of diamonds, left in
pawn by a well-known Duchess. I have since assisted a young relation
to a permanent situation in Portland Island, and am serenely happy
in the certainty, so far as anything human is certain, that I shall
die as far from poverty as possible. My annual subscriptions to
various Charities, which advertise once a week the names of their
subscribers in large letters and prominent columns of the public
journals, amount to sixty guineas in sums of one guinea, and, in
some cases, two guineas, from
Yours faithfully,
Skinflint House, Cheshire. THEOPHTLTTS SCBEWDBIVER.
To Punch, Esq.
DEAE PUNCH,
" Ascifio sonpittore." I'm an artist, and generally con-
sidered a man of taste. I came in, a few years ago, to a fortune of
30,000, which I inherited from an uncle who was good enough to
make room for me by joining his ancestors. My first extravagance
was the purchase of a grand collection of spurious Majolica, imita-
tion bronzes, and counterfeit china, for which I gave the modest
sum of 2000. This necessitated naturally the lease of a set of
apartments in the Albany, where I flatter myself the dinners I give
from week to week are already celebrated among the best bon-
vivants in London.
After studying Art and the Museums, my oBsthetic tastes would
not permit a man of culture to retain the mass of falsehood on my
walls with which I had been satisfied at starting. When I trans-
ferred my interest in these I lost about 1995 upon the transaction.
However, by the judicious expenditure of 18,000, I soon became
the happy possessor of some of the best examples of the arts of
CELLINI, PALISSY, BUHL, and others, besides hanging on my walls
several gems of MEISSONIEB, GEBOME, &c., &c. I am now in the
hands of several intelligent members of the Lost Tribes ; and I am
persuaded that when I have sold my lease, collections, and plate, I
shall not be in a position if I satisfy my Israelitish friends to
leave even hay for life to my Cousin's pet donkey, the only creature
with whom I have any personal sympathy.
I beg to remain, yours, poorer than ever,
RAPHAEL SURFACE.
MYSTEBIES REVIVED.
Tnr, Stipendiary Magistrate at Sheffield has inflicted penalties for
performance of an unlicensed drama, on the subject of Joseph and
his brethren ; " holding, with the LOBD CHAMBERLAIN, that the
Stage is " not for JOSEPH "or any such subject.
A SLAP AT A SATIRIST.
(Mas. GINGHAM communicates her Opinions on Plain Cooking, and
the pertness of certain Newspaper Parties.)
" The real difficulty about cooking is that it is in the hands of woman, and
that woman is too ethereal a creature to interest herself in the matter. She
is rather like Calypso, who partook of nectar and ambrosia, while she saw
that her mortal guest had pork, almost always pork, and Pramnian wine.
Woman, for her part, could live on tea and bread-and-butter for ever, with
an occasional egg once or twice a week. These things are her nectar and
ambrosia, and as long as man has his barbaric joint she thinks that all is
well. The English joint is the bane of domestic life. . . . ' Plain cooking,'
says a doctor, ' is an abomination ; avoid it as you would poison. If you are
tired of life, I can find other means of ridding you of it. Plain cooking,' this
outspoken physician goes on, ' brings more grist to our mill than miasmas,
drains, or either extreme of temperature.' " Daily News.
MBS. CALYPSO I don't know. (Ton says she 's not a Missis,
But a Greek nymph as doted on a party called Ulysses.)
But what I 've got to say is this, this chaffy sort of mocking
At Woman's works and Woman's ways is getting simply shocking.
Housewife or nymph, Calypso found, there 's not the slightest
question,
That men are a contrairy lot. But as for that suggestion,
That Woman's too " ethereal "which what's that? to care for
dinner,
That 's all the writer's artful spite, as sure as I 'm a sinner.
They 're always downing on us thus, a hinting round and sneering ;
Better abuse than this 'ere sly and niminy-piminy jeering.
If " nectar " and " ambrosia " 's Greek for " tea " and " bread-and-
butter,"
The feller's words is right-down fudge a falsehood base and utter.
Women ain't butterflies, no fear, nor likeways gals ain't chickings,
Though some of them in public play at bird-like sips and pickings.
But when they on the quiet feed, d'ye think they pick and sip so ?
No, not a bit of it : no more, I 'll warrant, did Calypso.
Barbaric joints, the bane of life ? I do declare it 's awful !
Such revolutionary rant should be, if 'tain't, unlawful.
Which our Constitution and our joints are England's greatest glories ;
Leastways, so Tories used to say ; and I say so with the Tories.
That fellow must be kickshaw-mad, a nasty French-fed glutton,
Who feels no respect for sirloin and is rude to leg o' mutton.
Which they 're English institutions to be kept in all their purity ;
Or, as TOM says that lad 's so smart our national joint-security.
Plain Cooking ? It 's a precious boon our land alone possesses.
Don't tell me of your German mucks nor yet of your French messes.
This fad for foreign feeding 's rot ; the Swells may patronise it,
But no, not me, nor yet my sort we utterly despise it.
I don't ask JOHN to " live on pork and Pramnian wine for ever."
(Which I wonder what that wine may be P Must ask young TOM
he 's clever.)
But if an English joint 's his bane, plain cooked as I can cook it,
He 'd better hire a Parleyvoo, and as for me I '11 hook it !
Paradise for Paupers.
Ma. BUMBLE was thrown into a violent fit of indignation by the
following paragraph, which he encountered in a newspaper :
:l FEMALE GUABDIANS. On Saturday Miss MAUD STANLEY, cousin of
DEAN STANLEY, was elected a guardian of St. Anne's, Soho."
The election of Ladies to the office of Guardian is regarded by
MR. BUMBLE as a most unporochial innowation. He is highly scan-
dalised to see that it is an increasing 'abit, and thinks the rate-
payers might just as well put them wicious paupers under the wings
)f guardian hangels at once ; which would be making the work-
house the wery rewerse of the place as it was intended for.
"SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FOBGOX."
OUR excellent and enthusiastic friend, PBOFESSOR BLACKIE, is
much annoyed at the bad taste of his countrymen in encouraging
Classical Concerts into which no Scotch music is admitted. It is
reported that -he has written to RICHABD WAGNEB, urging that
reat musical reformer to add to his orchestra the Bagpipe and the
Scotch Fiddle.
A COUNTEB IRRITANT. A Shopman who will insist on knowing if
you want any other article to-day.
APRIL 28, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
181
THE SIGHTS OF DUBLIN.
Irish Car-J>river. " SHUBE THAT'S THE CusTOM-Houss, Son; BUT IT'S ONLY THI
HARK AV IT YOU 'LL BE SBBIHO THIS SIDE, SOK THE FBONT 's BEHIND 1 "
A WARNING TO NOVEL-READERS.
A VERY vulgar and silly book, purporting to be a novel of high life, has been
published by a person signing himself by a ducal title with a foreign ring
unknown to the Almanack de Got ha. In this offensive work real persons are
introduced under the thinnest disguises. Anyone who knows anything about
English society will throw the book down in utter disgust at its prurient,
ignorant, and offensive caricature. However, as certain scandal-lovers of the
lower middle class may be enticed to buy the book with a notion of finding in
it what they may, in their innocence, believe to be a true picture of the Upper
Ten, Punch begs to furnish a sample of the sort of thing that they may expect
to get for their money :
CHAWEK XLVII.
IT was ten o'clock in the supper-room at BLACK'S Club in St. James's Street.
The waiters were moving about amongst the members, on the look-out for tips.
BLACK'S is the most fashionable Club in London, and many are the twopences
that find their way into the hands of the pampered menials (masses of gold,
velvet, and hair powder) who wait upon the patricians of the Metropolis.
At one of the tables (that, like the rest, was groaning under the weight oj
artificial flowers and costly plate) sat three "men" eating their supper. All
day long these " men " (as even their Graces Lord Dukes are sometimes called
in Maylair) had been drinking champagne and eating pates de foies gras. The
first was a foreigner. He was called PRINCE VON DISMARCK, and had been
Prime Minister to His Imperial Majesty the Eiii'EKOR OF GHERMANY. The next
was MB. SADSTONE, an ex-Cabinet Minister. The last was the Right Honour-
able the EARL or DEACONSFLELD a new creation, and therefore not of great
account in May fair.
" Where shall we go ? " said MR. SADSTONE. " Prince, my Lord, what do you
saytotheAlhambra?"
I prefer the Cambridge Music Hall in Shoreditch," replied his Lordship,
filling bis tankard with a fresh supply of " dry creaming." " I am blasf with
West-End pleasures. Let us go ' east of Temple Bar.' "
And with a joyous laugh the three "men" left BLACK'S, and throwing
themselves on to the top 01 a private coaoh-and-four, rattled down St. James's
Street en route for the City.
In. the meanwhile LORD BaoHTTON was still talking in the bay window to
his brother, the MARQUIS OF ISLINGTON.
"The DUCHESS OF DITCHWATER'S toirie. my Lord,"
said the elder patrician to his young relative, " was
certainly dull. I give you my word that I couldn't get
anything more substantial than a penny sandwich at
gupper. They had no ' fizz," and the sherry had been
watered."
" My Lord Marquis, you are right," replied the young
aristocrat, with a bow. " It is very strange that in good
society you oan't get such luxuries of the season as those
supplied by the lowest cad giving a Bayswater hop. '.
always bribe the Greengrocer when I visit her Grace, till
be brings me some cold fowl."
At this sally several young aristocrats laughed heartily
their experience had been the same.
LORD LAWN (who had married Royalty) was greatly
amused, and repeated the story afterwards to his con-
nection the handsome PRINCE OF TICK.
" Well, you titled chaps," cried the Marquis, " are
you game for any fun '( "
LORD BROMPTON bit his lip. His brother approached
him hurriedly.
" My Lord," he whispered, "at last by your emotion I
have divined your secret. Last night at the DUCHESS OF
MANCHESTER'S danoe I saw you footing a schottische with
the LADY BLANCHE TEMPLBBARS, much to the disgust
IKT noble mother, her GRACE THK DUCHESS OFJSCAB-
BOKoroH. Tell me, my Lord, do you love the gal '( "
" I do, my Lord Marquis," replied the younger noble-
man, firmly, " but I know it is of no use. I am a younger
son, and shall never be able to afford the bundle of five
pound notes which LADY BLANCHE (were she my wife)
would use for making her cigarettes. What is blue
blood without s. d. ? I have been born under the
shadow of a coronet, and I have scarcely enough money
to buy champagne for breakfast. I wish I had been born
a snob, on my soul I do ! "
" Stuff and nonsense, my Lord," said the Marquis.
" And now which of you titled chaps are game for the
Gardens?"
There was a shout of laughter, and the young aristo-
crats, leaving BLACK'S, threw themselves into Victorias
(each harnessed to three horses arranged tandem- wise),
and drove to Kremorne.
Within five minutes all the young Lords were talking
and chaffing with pleasant companions.
LORD BKOMPTON soon forgot his love in shooting for
nuts, and, when the time for the fireworks had arrived,
was quite heart whole.
He was on the eve of following the crowd to a distant
part of the gardens, when the Marquis arrived, bringing
with him a friend, clothed in rather gorgeous garments.
"My Lord!" cried the Marquis, "let me introduce
MR. SNOOKS to you. SNOOKS, this is my brother ! "
The Gentlemen and the Nobleman bowed to one another.
" I am trying to persuade him to come home with us,"
continued the Marquis, " as I want. to introduce him to
our brother and the Marchioness, and their Ladyships,
our SISTERS FANNY, FLORENCE, SUSANNA, and GWENDO-
LINE."
" Who is he, my Lord ? " whispered LORD BROUFTON.
"The Lion Comique," replied the Marquis. "I tell
yon what, my Lord, he is no end of a stunning cove 1 "
And then the two Noblemen and the Comic Singer
returned together to Grosvenor Square.
THE LAST WORDS OF DIPLOMACY.
France. " A neutral tint is the present Paris fashion,
my dear friends."
Greece. " Ready, aye ready."
Germany." All >s well that ends well."
Persia." Your money or your life."
Russia. " So very sorry."
Turkey." Kismet !"
England." Are yon quite sure you would not like
another Congress, or a few more pamphlets, or a debate
or two, or a brand new Protocol, or anything else in the
waste-paper line ? "
The Rest of the Civilised World." Curse you, my
children ! "
Curtain.
BLOOD RELATIONS. The news of the next few
months.
VOL. T.XXH.
182
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ND has it come to this! So completely has the Asses' Bridge broken down, that it
cannot even support a night's talk in the Lords. On Monday, April 16, LORD
GRANVILLE was booked to call attention to the Protocol, but, as in the case of
Glendower's call of spirits from the vasty deep, Punch must ask, like Hotspur,
" will it come ? " It would seem not ; for the audience of the Upper House,
not the densest Punch begs pardon, not the most crowded as a rule, hardly
rose beyond the average to hear what LORD GRANVILIE had to say against, and
LORD DERBY for the extinguisher that has taken or is taking fire.
De mortuis nil nisi bonum is a rule for Lords as for Commons. The Pro-
tocol is dead. As nothing good can be said of the deceased diplomatic abortion,
the only alternative is to say nothing. LORD DERBY said nothing, at consi-
derable length. The MARQUIS or LANSDOWNE and the EARL or DUDLEY said their dittos to LOBD GRANVILLE. The Protocol haying
received its fitting " finis " from four flat speeches, the conversation collapsed ; and the Protocol, with its declarations, passes away into
the large limbo of Diplomatic Fizzles.
(Commons.) ME. BOURKE has received a partial return of arrests, sentences, and executions of sentences on account of the Bulgarian
uprising, and is ready to table them whenever MR. GLADSTONE will move. A partial return, no doubt, it must be, omitting, as it does,
the name of every Moslem of rank or note who took the lead in the atrocities. While ACHMET, SHEFKET, and TOOSOON, so far from
being punished for their share in the Bulgarian horrors, have been promoted, MR. BOUBKE may as well put the Turkish returns in his
pipe, and smoke them, as lay them on the table of the House. Vestigia nulla retrorsum (" I make no returns ") might be the
Turks' motto for massacres and massacred alike. " "Why should I, when I neither retrace my steps nor punish my offenders ? "
The Pera Correspondent of the Times, the other day, reported the bastinadoing to death of one NASIM, a student in the military school
at Constantinople, who had ventured to draw up a memorial demanding the recall of MIDHAT. MUSTTRUS PASHA has categorically
denied the fact. That is MUSURUS PASHA'S business. MR. JOCELYN now repeats the denial, and so does the Telegraph Correspondent.
The last declares he has seen and identified NASIM. That is evidence or would be if the identification is clear.
Let us hope the story is not true, and that its falsehood is disprovable by something more trustworthy than Turkish official denials.
A lively debate on the Mutiny Bills, Army and Navy, with lots of amendments moved. This is a novelty. PARNELL, POWER, and
SULLIVAN, to say nothing of PETER TAYLOR, all busy in moving reductions of punishment, from solitary confinement to the Cat
upwards. MR. PABNELL was rude enough to ask MR. WARD HUNT how he would like, if he unfortunately fell asleep on his post, to incur
the punishment of penal servitude, death, or imprisonment with hard labour. Really, that is rather too personal, MR. PARNELL.
Besides, you forget the First Lord's excuse if he should fall asleep on the Treasury Bench (which we presume is his Parliamentary
APRIL 28, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
183
MUSICAL EGOTISM.
Herr Maestro (who has been indulging the Company with two Masses, three Symphonies, a dozen Impromptus, and a few other little things
of his own). " VILL YOU NOT NOW ZING ZOMZINO, Miss ANCHBLICA?"
Miss Angelica (with diffidence, pulling off her gloves). " H'M I H'ic 1 I 'ic AFRAID I 'M A LITTLK HOARSB TO-DAY ; BUT IF "
Herr Maestro (with alacrity). " AOB sou 1 IN ZAT CA8B I VILL NOT BRBSS YOU. I HAP GOXBdSBT A ZONATA IN F MOLL SHALL I
BLAT IT FOR yon ? YKS ? " [Proceeds to do so.
post), that he has been obliged to listen to a PARNELL and a BIQGAR.
If the Soldier, the Sailor, and the Marine have to dread the Cat,
has not the House its Irish Obstructives, with their more than nine
tails of blue-books, and their knotted and leaded yarns? ME. WAKD-
HUNT succeeded in petting the Cat into the Mutiny Act. Hence-
forth the Statute will specify that the Cat is to be of a pattern
approved by the Admiralty. Fancy my Lords at their Cat Inspection
to approve the Admiralty pattern ! We recommend a Naval Cat
Show as a succursale to the feline display at the Crystal Palace
with a Naval Lord in attendance, to explain the points of the
Cat approved of by the Admiralty !
Tuesday. As dull as ditch-water in Parliament, in both Lords
and Commons. My Lords were on Legal Education. The Inns of
Court don't like my LORD SELBORNE'S Bill. Legal Education is the
Benchers' business, not my LORD SELBORNE'S. Who is he, that he
should set up'to overhaul the Benchers, and educate the Bar P LORD
CAIRNS is the Benchers' organ, and grinds their favourite tune
of Auld Lanq Syne. The pious PALMER will not reach Ms legal
Holy Land thin pilgrimage.
(Commons.) MR. KNATCHBULL-HuGESSEN could move the abolition
of the Railway Passenger Duty, but could not move the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER to give up the 600,000 it produces, nor the non-
Directorial element of the House to see any sufficient reason why he
should. Though potent, the Railway Directors do not yet direct
the House of Commons. MR. K.-H., as the clever author of some
capital fairy tales, should publish one with a transformation
beyond all the wonders of fairy-land, and as yet adventured in
no published volume of fairy tales or Christmas transformation-scene
the transformation 'of Railway Passengers' duties into the duties
of Railway Directors'. And if, after setting forth the latter, he
could get the Directors to do it ! As for the 600,000, there is a pre-
vailing impression that if the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER were
to give it up, it would be to find its way not into passenger pockets,
but shareholders'. The passengers prefer, for the present, to take
out their share in the shape of duty. When they find Directors
showing an amiable concern for passengers in other matters, they
will be ready, perhaps, to give them credit for paternal anxiety to
save their pockets in the matter of the Railway Duty.
EARL PERCY moved the rejection of the Motion, and the CHAN-
CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER declined to give up the money. So
MR. KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN withdrew his Motion, and the Earl his
Amendment.
But thejfun to-night was out of the House in the great Donkey
Demonstration, which Punch has immortalised in another part of
his columns. It was a touching sight to see WHALLEY conducting
I >K MORGAN and the Rump of the heroic ten who managed to reach
the Lobby, to the Tea- Room, and there treating them to the " cup
that cheers but not inebriates." Such was the worst rioting that
came of the great Tichborne Demonstration. As Tea to Old Tom, so
is WHALLEY to LORD GEORGE GORDON.
As for DE MORGAN " who leads great asses should himself be
ass." And he seems perfectly to possess the qualification.
There teas a DE MORGAN mighty in mathematics and pitiless
prostrator of paradoxes. We can imagine tie Q.E.D. he would
nave arrived at over his namesake. A good deal like Punch's,
elsewhere.
With WHALLEY and KENEALY in the House, and DB MORGAN out
of it, the Unfortunate Nobleman in Dartmoor is even more unfor-
tunate than his worst friends have painted him.
Wednesday. When the foreign steamer Franconia smashed the
Strathclyde, within two miles of Dover, no law could be enforced
against the foreign offenders, the Court of Appeal holding, by seven
men to six, that our Courts had no jurisdiction.
MR. GORST now seeks to stretch the grasp of the law over foreigners
within a. three-mile range of the coast. Something will have to
be done ; but it was agreed, after a legal talk SIR G. BOWYER,
STAVELY HILL, WHEELHOUSE, and FORSTTH against the Bill, and
STR W. HARCOURT and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL not exactly for it, but
184
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1877.
discriminando that .the Government should do it. 80 GORST made
way for CROSS in due time.
MB. ANDERSON wants to assimilate the law of Scotland as to
Married Women's Property to the law of England. A.nd what for
no 't Unless it be, that your canny wedded Soot's grip of the siller
his wife's as well as his ain is too strong to be loosened even by
law, if he can help it.
MONTGOMERIE against, McL AREN and ME. Ewnro for the Bill. SIB
G. CAMPBELL pathetic on the horror of converting wedlock into
"chumming." and degrading the Scottish marriage tie to the Ma-
hometan. This a new view of Moslem marriage. Punch had always
thought the objection to that was from the point of polygamy, not
property. But what SIR GEORGE objects to is not that the Turkish law
allows too many wives, but that it makes all the wives independent in
money matters. In fact, it would seem, according to SIR GEORGE,
that the most Terrible Turk, in wedded life, is the one in petticoats.
Thence, perhaps, the usage, among the Turkish ladies of wearing
trousers however baggy, still unmistakeably of the unmentionable
order.
The Bill was read a Second Time, but with a distinct intimation
from the Lord Advocate, that Scottish women should not have an
inch more right over their own than English.
Thursday (Lords). LORD ENFIELD called attention, not before it
is wanted, to the unsanitary condition of the Public Offices, old
and new the newest, to the shame of somebody suppose we say
BRITANNIA ? about the worst. Is it irony of the powers that watch
over official undertakings, that the basement of the Office, which
keeps such central eye and hand as are kept over the drainage of
town and country, has been fairly flooded with liquid sewage, like the
lover, of HORACE' s Pyrrha, " Liquidis perfusus odoribus, though
not exactly, " Grata sub antro," but in a stinking cellar. Or is it
the Board s offences of omission in sewerage matters that are being
Drought home to its own doors, in the form of liquid sewage ?
LORD BEACONSFIELD promises a speedy cleansing of the Augean
stables of Whitehall and. Pall Mall by that rather shaky Hercules,
the Board of Works.
LORD STRATHBDEN AND CAMPBELL showed at once his simple-
mindedness and oddity by another last word for the Treaty of
Paris, 1856. Let this be written on his Lordship's tombstone may
it be long before it is erected! "He believed to the last in the
Treaty of Paris, 1856."
LORD ROSEBERY did show how we might be put in an awkward
fix under the Tripartite Treaty of the same year, if either Austria
or France appealed to its obligations. But, as LORD DERBY took
comfort in pointing out to the House, they haven't, and are not likely
to. So the Tripartite may go, with its predecessor, " Where de old
Treaties go."
His Lordship should issue a new treatise. " On Treaties and their
Obligations," Punch offers him some mottoes :
' De non existentibus et non apparentibus, eadem est ratio."
' A Treaty that the signataries don't insist on is no Treaty."
' Circumstances alter cases."
' Sufficient for the time being is the Treaty thereof."
' No bother, no bond."
(Commons). Much miscellaneous talk, including a conversation
on a department with the objectionable name of the Petty Bag Office.
Punch is sorry to learn that petty-bagging has rather increased than
diminished under the Judicature Act, BO that MR. W. H. SMITH
finds it impossible to abolish the office that works the petty bag
business. Punch had flattered himself all these official petty-bag-
gings had been done away with.
On report of the Mutiny Act, repetitions of the lively debates
and divisions on Second Reading by PAHNELL, BIGGAR, POWER, and
their followers of the Irish Obstructive Brigade. They are evidently
going in to curry favour with the Forces, as the "poor" soldiers'
and sailors' friends. GENERAL SHUTE said the one thing worth re-
cording in the night's talk that " want of discipline was the failing
of the age. There was a want of discipline in the Church, and at
the' Bar. He might even say he believed there was a want of dis-
cipline in that House." I believe you, Mon General!
Another talk on the incidence of Imperial Taxation. ' MR. GOSCHEN
doubted the Budget calculations, the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHE-
QUER stands by them. He pointed out that if new taxation had been
needed, there is always, the Income-Tax. .And the Inexhaustible
Bottle, SIR STAFFORD. As SIR WILFRID might say, " Don't pass
the Bottle."
Friday (Lords). LORD CAMPEHDOWN raised the ugly" question
why, after CAPTAIN HOBABT, R.N., was dismissed, our Service
in 1868 for accepting service with the Turk without leave of the
Admiralty, HOBART PASHA wag in 1874 restored to our Service,
whence he is now drawing 400 a year half-pay. LORD DERBY
could only admit the fact, with a feeble attempt at explanation,
which explained nothing.
We are still at peace with Turkey and! Russia. But they may
any day be at war with each other. Would not Russia have some-
ting to say, and with reason, to an English Rear-Admiral com-
nanding the Turkish Iron-clads ? A question to be asked, and not
be answered except in one way by striking CAPTAIN HOBART off
;he Navy List (on which, with all his unwillingness to hit a British
sailor. Punch must say the Captain ought never to have been re-
alaced while he wore Turkish uniform) from the date of the
declaration of war between Russ and Turk.
(Commons.) The House thrilled to-night with a common pulse,
as the country thrilled next morning, at the news of the rescue of
the five Welsh miners from their ten days' living burial in the
Troedyrhiw mine. God bless the brave fellows who risked their
lives to rescue their brethren ! It is something to have set thirty-
two million hearts beating to one tune. It is something to be one
of these thirty-two million hearts, and to feel one's heart beat the
throbbing link between oneself and thirty-one millions nine hundred
and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine.
And then, to take down its excitement, the House went in, as
if it really meant it, on MR. HAN BURY TRACY'S waggish suggestion
of an official staff of Reporters, to give verbatim reports of the
Parliamentary talk ! Talk of BIGGAH and PARNELL ! Had he been
serious ? Think of the House weekly or monthly confronted with
ts own verbiage ! " Litera scripta manet," too. " The evil that
men do, lives after them ;" for that we have SHAKSPEARE'S warrant.
But that the rot they talk should live after them as well! Deut
avertat .'
The House dabbled with the appalling idea, as seeming-reckless
men might play with a loaded shell, knowing the rogues all the
time there wasn't a light within a league of them.
No. Parliament is safe enough from verbatim reports, till a
BIGGAR and a PARNELL twin obstructives risen to con- and de-
structive are set loose to work their wicked wills upon the Saxoa
speechmaker.
THE PASSIONATE SHEPHERD TO HIS LOVE.
NEW VERSION.
(Penned by W. E. G. in Arcadia.)
OME live with me and
be my love ;
And we will all the
pleasures prove
That, in these days,
Arcadia yields
To one who seeks its
peaceful fields.
We'll sit beside our
letter-box,
Seeing the missives
come in flocks ;
Big piles of post-cards,
destined all
For answering ques-
tions great and
small.
And I will pen you
pamphlets long,
And essays on Ho-
meric song ;
Or spice my lectures
sage and solemn,
With brave orations
by the column.
I '11 show thee how a Wolff to keep
From harrying Arcadian sheep :
And how to counter, " fib," and "plant,"
And play the Shepherd-militant.
I '11 teach thee how to ply an axe,
And mind and muscle jointly tax ;
Or quit the pastoral pipe and crook,
For wordy bout and big Blue-Book.
The Daily papers, morning treat
To lend a relish to our meat,
Shall on our breakfast-table be
Piled up each day for thee and me.
The lazier Swains may dance and sing,
We '11 toil and fight like anything.
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love !
APBIL 28, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
185
A DEMONSTRATION.
CERT meant to de-
monstrate what '"
That "patriot*" are
a seedy lot ;
That spouters of sedi-
tious rant,
"With tongue alone are
militant,
And, spite of bellicose
pretences,
Don't " disregard the
consequences " ;
That swaggerers, who
Police defy
Of Jupiter Pluvius
tight shy,
Whose water-pot has
proved a damper
To many a loud pot-
valiant tramper ;
That heroes game to
spill their blood
Will funk chill wind
and clinging mud,
Oblivious of valorous
vows ; and
That those defiant
hundred thousand
" Stern men and true " got deci-
mated
More easily than congregated ;
That the arithmetic of bluster
Is always falsified at muster ;
That MORGAW of the knightly
"z>"
IB not the pink of chivalry ;
may be had in the basement of the Hall, on
implication to the Chemist of the Medicines of
he Future, who will have his laboratory on
he premises, with every description of restora-
ive appliance and apparatus.
Special trains will run from the Kensington
High Street Station to Colney Hatch, Hanwell,
nd Earlswood after each concert.
That ROWLAND TYLEB is not WAT ;
That muffs who swear they 'd rather rot
In dungeon than as recreants live,
Would funk what Beak might haply give ;
That martyrdom is not their walk,
When " rot " is mainly all their talk ;
That 'tis an anti-climax rather
When fools who in their thousands gather,
Have to depute ten leading " gabs "
To charge the foe in four-wheeled cabs !
That geese will stray when given free room,
And that the House of Commons tea-room
With counsel and applause from WHALLBT,
Forms fittest finish to such folly ;
That loud DE MORGAN can but bray
Like other " mokes," and lose bis way ;
That blatant TIT.ER and crass SKIPWOBTH
Are scarcely serious Satire's whip worth ;
In fine, that the egregious three
Are utter donkeys U. E. D. !
FOR THE MASTER OF THE MUSIC OF THE FUTURE.
THE following Regulations have been issued by the Police for the maintenance of order
and the satisfaction of the Great Composer on tht occasion of the Wagner performances
at the Albert Hall :
The Public will be admitted to the Albert Hall on presentation of vouchers signed b;
HERR WAGNER or HEUH DANNRKUTHKK, and on production of a certificate from any two
Professors of .Esthetics in any University at home or abroad.
No person who has ever been heard to scoff at the Music of the Future, or is known
to.prefer MOZART'S. BEETHOVEN'S, or M ENDELSSOHX'S works to the Recitatives in Lohengrin
and the Ring dr Nibtlungon, or who has ever confessed to having derived pleasure Iron
the Operas of AUXEB or ROSSINI, BELLINI or DONIZETTI, or who has at any time degrade*
himself so far as to listen to the garbage of OFFENBACH, HEBVE, LECOCQ, or STBAFSS
will on any account be admitted to the honour of assisting in this audition.
Any one of the audience assembled who shall blow any one's trumpet but that o
RICHARD WAGNER (always excepting the ninety-nine trombones in the orchestra), o
who shall sneeze, cough, or blow his own nose, or any one else's, during the ceremony
or who shall show any sign of disapproval or weariness, either by audible word, gesture
exclamation, or whisper, shall, on detection, be removed by the police agents at the firs
pause in the programme.
Only specified admirers will be permitted to bring up to the dais on which the angus
WAGNER will be enthroned crowns, wreaths, or bouquets for his acceptance.
All crowns must be of gold or silver-gilt. Wreaths and bouquets to be competed of th
costliest exotics.
The Police have special orders to prevent the audience in their enthusiasm carryinj
HERR WAGNER round the Galleriesj or crowding to kiss 'his hand, so as to impede hi
respiration, or otherwise interfere with his personal comfort.
A powerful. lime-light will throw a halo round the head of the Professor during th
performance.
Thre of the most noted aurists of Savile Row will be in attendance at the Hall for th
reparation of defective drums.
Sal-volatile and chloric gather, for the use of persons of exceptionally fine-strung nerves
OUT OF RANGE.
WE rejoice to hear that the British Army
already possesses an excellent range-finder, and
ms only to bring it into use and train men to
work it in all branches of the Service. This is
very encouraging, and all would be well did
but the British Army possess also the following
useful articles :
A Commander-in-Chief who did not disap-
>rove of his own General Orders.
A Field-Marshal who did not rest his claims
o distinction upon his years rather than his
aurels.
A Mobilisation Scheme that did not exist
only on paper.
A War-Office which did not quarrel with the
Indian Department.
An Indian Department which did not, when-
ever possible, snub and ignore the Horse-
Suards.
A Reserve able to fill up ugly gaps in the
event of our Army being called on for serious
operations.
And, lastly, a few more horses, a good many
more guns, and, if it could be managed with-
out quite breaking the back of BRITANNIA, a
great many more stalwart men in her Line and
our Reserve.
STANZAS ON A SHOWER.
YON Butcher's ruby face is gleaming
With copious moisture, like the rain,
Whose big drops, fast and frequent streaming,
Run races down the window-pane.
From pores cutaneous such effusion
In heat of business oft appears.
That thought were now a fond illusion ;
For ah, those cheeks are bathed in tears !
News of the last great importation
Of Yankee meat hath caught his eyes :
O'erwhelmed with grief and consternation
So now the blne-frocked Bobus cries.
From Commoners to Cads.
MB. PUNCH, if infallible, is yet not omni-
scient. Knowing that MR. JOHN DE MOROAS
had headed commoners in the destruction oi
illegal enclosures on commons, he did not know
at the time that MB. DE MOBGAN was capable
of heading cads in an Orton demonstration of
tagrag and bobtail. But Mr. Punch never
pronounced MB. BE MORGAN, ex cathedra, to
be a wise and sensible man, or declared him,
authoritatively, actuated by any sentiment
superior to the enthusiasm of a demagogue
inflamed with a passion for notoriety.
Tliat Terrible Turk.
Air assertion commonly passing current is
the saying that " the Turk is a Conservative."
This however should be taken with grains oi
salt fully amounting to a scruple. In Bul-
garia and elsewhere the Turk has abundantly
shown that, when his monkey is up, he can be
an out-and-out Destructive. But, Conserva-
tive or Destructive, as the occasion of a threa-
tened European war, confound his politics !
SOTTED TO A TEA. " MISTEB '
in the House of Commons.
DE MORGAN
186
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Apfttt 28\ 1877.
A PARAGON.
Lady's-Maid (enumerating her Qualifications for the Place). " I MAT LIKEWISB HADD, HEM, THAT I HALWATS MANAGHS TO MAEKT MY
YOUNG LADIES MOST SATISFACTORY!"
"TAKING THE LEAD."
" For the last few months England has-been taking the lead." Ma. WABD-
HUNT, at Portsmouth.
" What was it we promised in that paragraph of the Protocol, which some
people have urged, but I think with signal ill-success, involves or implies the
idea of coercion ? It was this : that if certain things were not done by the
Turkish Government we being the judges of whether they were done or not
then, at some future time, which was not fixed we being the judges as to
when that time had arrived we should consider with certain other Powers,
and say what we should then do." LORD DERBY, in the Mouse of Lords.
TAKING the lead ? Well, it 's flattering, very,
To picture JOHN BULL in that masterful rule.
But, perhaps, ere we make too much haste to be merry,
'Twere well of that lead to consider the goal.
Blind leaders have been, and we know where they guide to.
A dux such as DERBY should better succeed.
Let him point out the fair winning-post we 're to ride to,
And show the result of our taking the lead.
Peace ? No, not precisely, for war-cries are rumbling,
And baffled diplomacy comes to a halt.
Treaty-rights ? Those old bulwarks appear to be tumbling,
By gradual sap, if not daring assault.
Amelioration of down-trodden masses ?
Our help to that end has been trifling indeed.
What else ? "Well, the wreck of that poor Bridge of Asses
Remains as result of our taking the lead.
And that ? A. hits B. " Now," says B., " I must mention,
My friend, that your manners are scarcely urbane,
And, if yon evince any obvious intention
That is, in my judgment of punching again,
I fear I must really, at some time or other,
I won t fix the date to a decade or two,
Take measures to well, my annoyance to smother,
And consult as to what 'twere well, some day, to do."
That 's Protocol policy ! ' ' Safe ? " Some may think so ;
JOHN BULL has his doubts whether making it plain
That his pluck may at pinch from the sticking-place shrink so
Is certain to issue in ultimate gain.
At least, if his goal is this queer congregation
Of " Ifs," that as peacemakers do not succeed,
He fails to perceive any special temptation
To jubilant bounce about" Taking the Lead."
THE CLOTH AND ERMINE.
GREAT and grievous disappointment was caused in the City by
the discontinuance of the custom wont hitherto from old time to be
annually and religiously observed by the Judges and Serjeants of
the Law on the first Sunday in Easter Term of going in state, arrayed
in full-bottomed wigs and ermine, to St. Paul's, " where," as the
Echo says, " the LOKD MAYOR, the LADY MAYORESS, the Sheriffs,
and the proper City officials, with sword and mace, and Aldermen
and Common Councillors, in fur and mazarine gowns, each with a
bouquet in his hand, waited patiently for the Judges and Serjeants
who did not come." Ostensible excuses were made for this porten-
tous dereliction. But what if, considering the attitude assumed by
certain ecclesiastics towards the Public Worship Act and the Court
of Arches, the Sages of the Law thought proper to absent themselves
from Church in order to signify what they think of certain digni-
taries of the Church defying the Law P
A New Torture.
WE are informed (though we make this announcement sous toutes
les reserves) that one of the sufferings endured by the Unhappy
Nobleman pining in Dartmoor arises from the shoals of letters
addressed to him, through an erroneous interpretation of the follow-
ing words in the form to be used by the large number of persons
desiring abatement of Income-Tax " All the blanks in the Notice
must be filled up, and the Notice must be signed by, the Claimant."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. APBIL 28, 1877.
THE EXTINGUISHER ON FIRE!
LORD .D. " CON-FOUND THE THING ! IT 'S ALL A-BLAZE ! ! "
LORD B. " AH, MY DEAR D., PAPER WILL BURN, YOU KNOW !.I "
APRIL 28, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
189
DIARY OF MY RIDE TO KHIVA.
(CONTINUED.)
(Forwarded to us through a Friend by Private Wire.*)
us day after the one last mentioned. Met
sixteen wolves to-day all wrapped up in
sheep's clothing to keep themselves warm.
Tried MB. GLADSTONE'S name on them
with excellent effect. Haven't seen them
again. Pig getting very clever. Met a
'air Circassian coming home. She was quite the'Circassian creme de la creme. In fact as I
said to her, " You 're so much the cream as to be quite the cheese ! " She blushed and
replied. " son of thrice noble parents " they are uncommonly polite these Circassians
"0 well-fed and much-caressed one" she must have meant the rig, not me "0 funny
little fat father "she must have been thinking of some one else when she said this
"I am afraid that your words are chaffinski " (a Circassian expression for not meaning
what you say) but I assured her she was mistaken. " O beautiful one ! unhappy one ! "
I replied, my memory furnishing me with appropriate expressions from the translations of
the Italian libretti to which we are accustomed at the Opera, "how strangely thou art
mistaken ! Ah Heaven ! my divine enchantress (divina incantatrice), my words are the
voice of truth ! " Then I spread out the Alphabet before her, and the Pig grunted at each
letter which made up her loter's name. She parted with two roubles, ana left us much
pleased with the entertainment.
Wednesday, Came up to Fort Number One.? Found GENEBAL KACFFMANN here taking
care of Number One. Gave KAtrFFMANN some lozenges for his voice. "Kauff, man, no
more," said I, pleasantly, and he went into fits. I asked him if we should be stopped before
we got to Khiva. He answered with considerable caution, and put his finger to his nose.
The last thing I saw of the old General was his left eye, as he winked at us through a
loophole in Fort Number One. Thermometer going down to twenty degrees below nothing.
Never was so cold. I have a warm sack with a hot-air apparatus in which I live the greater
part of the day, and ride side-saddleways like a lady. As in this climate one dare not show
one's eyes, or nose, or hands, I have ingeniously contrived holes through which the reins
pass, and so I manage to guide my animal. If this cold increases, I must do in Russian
Tartary as the Russian Tartars do, and, when riding, get inside and pull the blinds down.
But I m a Cosmopolitan, and can live anywhere. 1 find the piano a great comfort. It
affords considerable amusement by day, and forms an admirable sleeping place at night.
This evening played two games of Double Dummy with the Pig. He won the last rubber. If
he repeats this, I shall watch his play closely. The Sleigh-driver backed the Pig. I begin
to snspect collusion. How will this end ?
Day after. Came across a Vodki, which is a sort of Russian Punch-show, only" without
Toby. It was being carried by its spirited proprietor, who complained bitterly of the decay of
the drama. The Vodki-man admired the Pig and made an offer. Refused it, but played the
Vodki-man at tcartt, with which he was not previously acquainted: at least, so he said;
but, for a novice. I never saw a man cut the king so often. Fortunately, as ! explained to
him after he had won a dozen games, we were only playing for amusement not for money
To prevent mistakes, we think it as wll to state, that the " Private Wire " in quertiom is not a
soldier at least we suppose not. We merely print the words as written at the bead of the US. left at
our Office by one of Our i<epresent*tive'i many friends. ED.
or I should have lost considerably. Row
with the Vodki-man. Appeal to the Sleigh-
driver. Sleigh-driver sided with Vodki. I
offered him an I.O.U. They both said that
in the middle of a snow desert this was of
no use to ,'/.///. Obliged to pay in roubles.
Vodki-man wished me to bear no malice,
and offered me a glass of native tcickiki.
Not liking to offend him, took it.
Next Morning. Everythingdisappeared,
and everybody Vodki-man, Sleigh-driver,
Piano, and Pig. All gone. 1 am alone in
the Great Snow Desert houseless, friend-
less, unprotected. Policeman only makes
his rounds here once in three months, and
then finds it dull, as there are no area-
railings, cooks, or cold mutton within fifty
miles. Please send me a cheque at once
(by Private Wire*), or I shall not be able
to get on to Khiva not even on foot.
You wouldn't like to hear of Your Re-
presentative perishing of cold and starva-
tion in the Great Snow Desert. The British
Government would take up the subject
warmly ; but the subject would be precious
cold before the British Government stirred
itself, and even then two or three years
might elapse before an Honourable Member
would call for the papers, relating to the
mysterious disappearance of a British sub-
ject somewhere in the gnow between 8t.
Petersburg and Khiva, to be laid before
the House. Send the cheque per my
friend, whom you can thoroughly trust,
and who knows all about it. Do not
delay. If you've any misgiving, t just
look up the people whose names are down
on my Subscription List, and who haven't
paid up. If my hands are not too frozen
to write or to wire, I will send you my
diary as usual. But should the wolves get
hungry
It Next Day (Diary continued by Private
Wire). Luckiest chance in the world!
Found a mhoka (a Tartar donkey) and a
boy going to Khiva. Boy says he knows
the way. No saddle or bridle. Only a
Joee (a small sum equal to about fourpence
of our money) by the hour. Away I upon
my bare-baoked steed.
Day after. Hooray! (This again is by
Private Wire.) The Pig has come back
safe and sound. He had a squeak for his
life. The Vodki-man had religious objec-
tions to eating him, and the Pig for-
tunately getting hold of the letters of the
Alphabet which he carries with him round
his neck, spelt out the words, " I 'm a
Christian."
The Vodki-man instantly released him,
as, being a Turk, and not a Tartar, he never
tortures Christians. In fact they never
do out here. That 's all a mistake. The
Pig is as happy as possible, and has already
made great friends with the Donkey and
the Boy.
1 P.M. Luncheon time. At this point
I came on CAPTAIN BITKNABY'S track.! He
We are struck by the mention of this name
again in connection with lending a cheque. Can
Private Wire be really a soldier, and not a tele-
Sraphic apparatus ? We bare told our Confidential
oy in the front office to make inquiries. Ep.
f We have. But still if our Representative ii
really, through no fault of hi* own, in such a
pitiable condition, something ought to be done.
To be on the ufe aide, we shall consult a Solicitor.
We have had no information as yet concerning
this " Private Wire." ED.
J In warmly congratulating CAPTAIN BCRNABT
on his safe return from hia recent tour in Ana
Minor, we also congratulate ourselves on the
opportunity now afforded us of testing the
orrestmesa by which expression we show
omrsdvM far from impugning the veracity of
our Special Representative's statements. Be-
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1877.
OUR ARMY RESERVE.
Sergeant of Pensioners (marching party of the Army Reserve into Campapproachiiig the Guard).
TOGETHER ! YOU *RE NOT SO DRUNK AS YOU THINK 1 I "
" Now, MY MEN, PULL YOURSELVES
has left his footprint in the snow. I telegraph over this news at
once, as I know the publishers are all rushing en masse to buy
his works, and I want to know what they '11 give for one of his
foot-prints ? The print is a proof of his having been here ; and
I'll swear to it for a consideration. My friend at the livery
stables will receive tenders and forward them to yours truly by
Private Wire. On we go again to Khiva.
sides, if our Hiding Representative has gone wrong, we are sure that the
gallant officer above mentioned will be only too delighted to telegraph to
him all such necessary directions as " Go ahead ! " " First turning to
the right!" "Halt!" and so forth Since writing the above, a
map of the country, drawn by our Representative, exhibiting its strong
and weak points, and showing the route he is now taking, has been
delivered by his agent, the Livery-Stable Keeper. We were out at the time,
but our Confidential Boy in the front office took it in, and gave the man five
shillings on account. It will be on his own the Confidential Boy's account
if the map is not both genuine and authentic. The Boy quite forgot to ask
about Private Wire, but he says that the man who generally brings the MS.
has a " millingterry hair." Still the Boy is to blame.
Latest Intelligence, Bov in tears. His mother has arrived. The five
shillings belonged to her. Further complications. Result in our next, as we
mutt go out (by the back door) and call on CAPTAIN BURNABT. We are
most anxious to see the horse that he has ridden BO much on. It must be
his hobby. ED.
Erin's Three Graces.
(New version of a well-known Epigram.)
THREE Members in three different counties born,
Dundalk and Meath and Cavan did adorn :
The first in rude vulgarity surpassed ;
The next in stubbornness ; in both the last.
Force of obstructiveness no more could do
To make the third, she joined the other two.
THE LATEST FORK OF LUNACY. Faith in the Crescent.
THEN AND NOW.
THINGS are not what they used to be in days not distant far
Old fogies were no striplings then, when NICHOLAS was Czar.
And people dreamt how came so strange a fancy to extend ?
That Russian rule was tyranny, and conquest Russia's end.
" Atrocities " in Poland, deeds of bigotry and ire,
Were told, and even credited, of ALEXANDER'S sire !
The " Nuns of Minsk " a by-word were that passed beyond a doubt.
JOHN BULL believed the story of the Sisters and the Knout.
The Cross against the Crescent when good NICHOLAS unfurled,
The bombs of France and England on Sebastopol were hurled.
Against him, with the Ottomite the Western Powers took part,
And thwarted him, and baffled him, and broke his gentle heart.
The Turks were then our trusty friends, our true and good allies.
We all thought Turkey in the scale of Nations on the rise.
Alas, these good opinions Britons backed with British gold :
Investors lent the moneys which they '11 ne'er again behold.
But now in vain may Turkey to BRITANNIA look for aid.
The Muscovites the Forte's domain can unopposed invade,
So they assail our interests not, for anything we care,
'Tis almost a Party question if we should not help " the Bear."
Bulgarian horrors were the cause which, sole and simple, wrought
On the Oriental Question all this change of British thought.
Mere righteous indignation bids us throw the Moslem o'er,
Bleed not e'er a drop to save them ; lend them ne'er a penny more.
A POKE THEOU8H A PARCHMENT.
IT is said that the " Tripartite Treaty " of 1856 gives the parties
to it " no loophole." True ; but there appears to be a hole in it
through which another party will be able to lire.
APEIL 28, 1877.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
191
VERS NONSENSIQUES A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANQLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE DE LESTER-scoufcRE.)
UN Tenor ambulant (de Bruxelles)
Fascine par lea bieres si belles
Qu'on fabritjue a Burton,
Entonnn la chanson :
" Quo je (liic) Tondrais avoir vos ailest"
A POTSDAM, lea totaux abstenenrs,
( 'online tant d'autrcs titotalleurs,
Sent gloutons, ornnivores,
Nasorubicolores,
Grands manchons, et torriblcs duflenrs.
SMITH voudrait avoir asscz de joue
Pour parler a cet homme a la roue,
Et ]K>ur oser, en cas
Qn il ne repondit jms,
L'appcler " Vieux baton-dans-la-bone I"
PAtmtB
AwofeLiNA t'aimait I
Mais un jour qu'ANOiUNA chantait,
Tit fis une grimace
Qn'elle vit dans la glace. . . .
Des ce jour, Pauvre EDOUIN, e'en est fait I
192
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 28, 1877-
THE LAY OF THE LATTER-DAY CYNIC.
HE CTNIC I Ay ; but a la
mode,
Not as per ancient
sample.
'Tis not the modern
Timon's code
On luxury to trample.
DIOGENES was but a dunce
Who scorned the choice
and cosy,
We moderns know that
life 's at once
Ridiculous and rosy.
Ridiculous ! .Most men are
fools,
Most women food for
mocking.
But Cynics of the ancient
schools
Were coarse, ill-clad,
and shocking.
We dress, and dine, and
dance, and wine,
Smart scoffers, gay and
airy;
For dirt and dulness don't
define
The new Nil Admirari.
Rosy ! Yes, life is rosy, too,
To such as take it rightly ;
Cut gush, eschew the sourly true,
And love and labaur lightly.
For life has no abiding sting,
Nor any binding snare for
That mortal who no mortal thing
Too clingingly will care for.
Since life 's a jest, he fares the best
Who makes a trade of jesting ;
And only zanies spoil its zest
By seriously contesting.
'Tis fun to watch the squabbling Schools,
Creeds, Councils, Crowns, and Mitres.
The wise look on, and only fools
Are found among the fighters.
Fight ? Who would stoop to sweat and dust,
Or handle hilt or trigger,
When he might watch War's cut and thrust,
And, snug in safety, snigger ?
Hot dolts may join the strenuous close
No choice could well be queerer
I cock a cool contemptuous no*e,
And read the Sixpenny Sneerer.
The dread regime of gush and rush,
To restless GLADSTONE owing,
Thank Heaven, is o'er. With sleepy hush
Our stream of life is flowing.
And if there 's that beneath which makes
Sour zealots hold their noses,
The course is smooth, and Mirth awakes
To strew the stream with roses.
We 've shut the door on Sentiment,
A guest who gave us trouble ;
For glory ! fools may be content
To chase that flying bubble.
Your Cynic-epicure will try
A pleasanter employment,
Combining general mockery
With personal enjoyment.
Not mine DIOGENES'S rules
Roots and tubs may suit Vandals ;
Give me my trots plats, togs from POOLE'S,
And last new thing in scandals,
These are my joys. Down, dullard Care !
Out, Zeal, tnou Simple Simon !
My cane ! my weed ! I take the air
The fashionable Timon !
STRANGE FOOD IN THE STABLE.
PKEUX CHEVALLEK PUNCH,
ALTHOUGH a Vegetarian yet not a Teetotaller for when thirsty and fatigued, I
can drink my pot of strong beer off at a pull, let me implore you to exert your great in-
fluence amongst the Equestrian Order for keeping the regulation of provender in their
stables strictly and steadily up to the mark of good old English fare. As beef, mutton, and
veal hold their place in the banqueting-hall, so let hay, beans, and corn in the manger.
This sentiment must commend itself to every stable mind.
But, esteemed Sir, there has appeared in several of your contemporaries a statement,
representing a certain French gentleman so to call him a M. LE BIAN, to have invented
a substitute for oats. It seems to have answered so well in France, that innovators propose
to introduce it into this country. The fodder designed to supersede oats is what do you
imagine ? Parsnips ?
Parsnips of all subjects of the Vegetable Kingdom ! Roots ! What next ! Turnips,
I suppose Swedes, mangold- wurzel, kohl-rabi, food for cattle, including THOKLET'S,
perhaps, or oil-cake even, who knows ? materials for the growth of meat. It is easy t(
see what all this points to. No doubt, parsnips are highly nutritive in their way
Everybody knows that they contain a large quantity of sugar, wherewithal they served your
great-grandmothers to make parsnip-wine. But sugar is carbonaceous food, simply fat-
tening. It will not support the condition requisite for the hunting-field, or the turf. It
will only qualify a creature for the stall.
Such as the stalled ox is, such will it
render the superior quadruped degrading
it to a stalled horse. Parsnips are recom-
mended in lieu of oats, mainly because
,hey are cheaper four times as cheap as
oats. They are means by which horses can
ie fattened at small expense, like pigs.
Presently, perhaps, horses also will be sup-
plied with wash ; and education on pars-
lips, comprising an excursion upon acorns,
will conclude with a brief course of barley-
meal.
The plain fact is, Mr. Punch, that if
fiven to horses, instead of their proper
:ood, parsnips will be the thin end of the
wedge. In France the wedge has been
driven home. Hippophagy has long pre-
vailed there ; as, no doubt, anthropophagy
will very soon. Parsnips for British horses
will be the beginning of the end ; and that
end will be the butcher's shop. In the
meanwhile you will have Horse Shows,
wherein the horses will be shown as fat
cattle. You will see horses, ere long, near
hristmas, exhibited amongst the rest of
the beasts at the Smithfield Club Cattle
Show, and graziers and meat-salesmen
coming and punching their sides. From the
knuckles of all such connoisseurs defend
with your cudgel the ribs of your humble
servant to command in any work according
to his capacity, HOUYHNHNM.
Brobdingnag Mcivs, April 25, 1877.
TAXES IN RESERVE.
PUNCH hears that the following sugges-
tions for new taxation were struck out of
the Budget at the last moment. He would
suggest the substitution of them for the
Income-tax in a future year.
A Tax on three-volume novels written by
women.
A Poll-tax on rinkers.
A Poll-tax on bachelors over thirty.
A Tax on the sixpenny journals of so-
ciety, which retail scandal and call it news.
A Tax on false hair.
A Tax on photographs.
A Tax on high heels.
And, finally, a source of large addi-
tion to the revenue of the country, a Tax
on all the imbecility in the shape of cor-
respondence which Punch has daily to sift
in the forlorn hope of finding the one grain
in the measureless bushels of chaff.
To Sir Henry Hawkins.
(By a Bothered Barrister.)
TWINKLE, twinkle Legal star,
How I wonder what you are !
Up above the Court so high :
Please enlighten us ! Do try I
" Nor owns the Flattering Falsehood
of the Brush."
HEBE is a curious, and, so far as Punch
knows, a new offence charged against a
butcher who contracts for the meat supply
of a Metropolitan Union; viz., that of
" painting the head of a sheep, to give it
the semblance of a South Down."
Till now we had thought the painting up
of sheepish heads, so as to give them the
appearance of better blood and breeding
than rightfully belonged to them, was
the work of the portrait-painter, not the
butcher. The accused butcher, it is only
fair to say, repels with indignation the
aesthetic impeachment.
MAT 5, 1877.]
PUNCH, OB THB LONDON CHARIVARI.
193
WHAT IT MAY COME TO.
( U'ith the kind Permistion of the Authorities)
SMITH PASHA (a Captain in the 30th Hussars, Prince
Leopold's Own) is marching northwards with a large
Turkish army. He is likely to be opposed, on reach-
ing Russian soil, by GENERAL COUNT SNOOKSKI,
another English officer on half-pay.
BROWN EFFKNDI (of Her Majesty's Tin Tax Ofhce)
has accepted the post of Director of War Telegraphs
to the Turkish Government. He will leave England
immediately (on long leave) to undertake the duties
I of his new post.
M. THOMPSONOFF (of the British Foreign Office) has
been intrusted with the mission of stirring up an
insurrection on the borders of the Danube by the
Russian Government.
JOSES EFFEXDI (a Captain in the Royal Navy) is
in command of four Turkish Iron-clads. He has
been ordered to bombard Odessa. He has received
n'> instructions to spare British property in that
jvirt.
TAIN BBOWBOFF (of the Royal Engineers, Chat-
ham) has accepted temporary service in the Russian
Army. He will be intrusted with the construction of
a road from Khiva to British India. It will be re-
membered that CAPTAIN BROTVNOFF has recently re-
turned from service with his company in the North-
West Provinces.
ROBINSON BEY (of the English Treasury) has ac-
cepted a contract from the Turkish Government to set
the Suez Canal on fire with torpedoes, powder, and
patent wood.
Members of the Indian Civil Service have been
engaged by the Russian Government to furnish con-
fidential reports of the state of native feeling in the
Presidencies of Bengal, Bombay, and Madras.
AN INDUCEMENT.
Pip. " You 'SHOULD ALWATS BO WHAT MAMMA TELLS YOU, SIB?L. IF TOU ALWAYS
SAD, YOU'D HAVB BKEN IN HEAVEN LOSO AOO I "
In Be Beetle-Crusher.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,
As it seems we are doomed to dance Polkas this
season, and as the old "Stamp Galop" has gone
out of fashion, do, like a dear old man, suggest to
MR. GODFREY to give us a "Please don't Stamp
Polka." The name might convey a gentle hint, not
before it; is wanted, t to some over-heavy-footed
partners. I am, Ac.,
CAMILLA SWANSDOWN.
BEAUTIFICATION FOE BABNES COMMON.
THERE are actually those who deprecate Railway extension on
Barnes Common ! Still more, Mr. Punch, will they object to the
improvement designed for that pleasant place by other and even
more tasteful parties than London and South-Western Railway
Directors.
Going towards Richmond by way of Hammersmith Bridge Road.
turn down the lane thence diverging at the " Red Lion" Pub. It
takes you out on the Common. You pass between meadows on the
right and left. The meadow close on the right has in it a rookery
among tall elm-trees. On the left the meadows are besprinkled and
bespangled with daisies and buttercups and marsh-marigold and
cuckoo-flower ; and as the season advances, and when haymaking is
at hand, the grass will have grown up luxuriantly, crested and
tinted with red sorrel.
On this side, just where the lane opens on the Common, nigh to
your elbow stands a pole, displaying a red Hag. A series of like
poles and flags, a few yards apart, extends all the way up to the
Cemetery. In the midst of them is hoisted a blank board, exhibiting ,
in white letters, the enlivening legend, " Site of the Proposed
Sewage-Manure Works." Danger-signals these, apparently, nung
out by absurdly alarmed Conservators.
The site of the proposed Sewage-Manure Works is at present
occupied by nothing prettier than furze richly out in bright yellow
bloom. On a hot sunny day, to be sure, blooming furze exhales a
delightful odour. Fancy that of the Works !
A background to the site of the proposed Sewage-Mannre Works
is formed of mere rows of trees coming out in leaf. Would not
DR. JOHNSON have been right in saying that a grove of chimneys in
a place like that was better than any grove of trees ': Particularly
such chimneys as the chimneys of Sewage-Manure Works.
I am informed bv enemies of the parties who propose to embellish
Barnes Common with Sewage-Manure Works that they are princi-
pally certain parochial pigs of the Bumble description styed a
Mortlake, where they have close by them an almost unfrequented
and quite out-of-the-way common in their immediate neighbour-
hood, between the road and Richmond Park, to build upon if they
must build Sewage-Manure Works upon a common rather than
expend enough money to hare their sewers connected with a system
of main drainage.
Their foes also affirm that the project for the invasion and defile-
ment of Barnes Common, as they call it, is opposed by the people of
Barnes and Putney, and even by those of remote Kensington, very
naturally, they say ; for, should it be executed, the next step in
sanitary progress may be expected to be the erection of Sewage
Manure Works in Kensington Gardens. And why not ?
I was greatly surprised, as no doubt you will be, to hear that the
Barnes Common Improvement and Odorisation Scheme is likewise
opposed by the Metropolitan Board of Works. But its worthy
promoters are said to have prevailed so far as to have got a Govern-
ment Inspector appointed to report on the merits of their lovely
Sound the alarm, Mr. Punch, summon alii the rijfht-mindel
Members of Parliament, and arouse the Society for the Preservation
of Open Spaces with your most raucous roo-too-tooi for a trumpet-
oall to aid public benefactors in the attempt to enrich Barnes
Common with a delight to the eye, and a pleasure to the organ
which duly appreciates A NOSEGAY.
Most Questionable Recommendation.
HERE is about the worst recommendation from a man's last place
we ever heard of :
\TEXTII,ATIO\, DRAINAGE, ami WARMINO tlmr nghly effected
V t the least eipenw?. Sixtepn yearV experience in the War-Office.
Address, *c.
194
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 5, 1877;
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ABK! (Lords, Monday, April 3), LOED DEBBT (as Call-Soy) ; "War Overture on,
my Lords ! " MB. LA YARD reports the flitting of the Russ corps diplomatique from
Stamboul ; COLONEL MANSFIELD, the arrival of the first Russian detachments at
Bucharest. Exeunt words. Enter swords.
The EABX OF CABNARVON,.most laborious, well-meaning, and clear-headed of
Colonial Ministers, introduced his skeleton South African Confederation Bill. It
is the mere framework of a permissive measure, under whose dead ribs the Colonial Legislatures may, if they will, breathe a soul, by
turning the Bill's " mays " into " shalls." The problem before the Colonial Office is not an easy one how to combine into a harmonious,
well-guarded, and well-governed whole, the motley mixture of Dutch Settlements. English Colonies, and Native States now dividing
South Africa, in more senses than one. At present Dutch Boer, English Settler, Malay Coolie, Tottie, Bechuana, Griqua, and Zulu, only
agree to differ. The Bill provides how, if they can but agree to try to agree, they are to go about it, all the ticklish points being left open for
local discussion and settlement. No doubt this is the best way of managing a most difficult job. If LOBD CABNABVON had sent out a
ready-made constitutional suit it would never have fitted. As it is, he empowers the Colonial tailors to take their own measures, and cut
their own coat of many colours according to their own cloth and the wearer s figure.
(Commons.) A nice go in at the House's favourite game of question and answer. More outbreaks of Cattle Plague, worse luck, in
big suburban herds, too, at Willesden, Kensal Green, and Notting Hill. Nothing for it but stamping out. " That 's the sort of plague
I am ! ' Budget talk ; CHILDERS and MUNDELLA croaking, W. H. SMITH: sanguine, CHANCELLOB OF THE EXCHEQUER cheerful.
ScLATEB-BooiH asked for a credit of Four Millions for Local Loans. CHAMBEBLAIN congratulated the country on the increasing
indebtedness of local authorities. It meant expenditure on remunerative and much-needed works of drainage, gas, water, and street
improvement. Bar jobs and blunders, MR. CHAMBERLAIN a biggish bar too. But it is the Local Government Board's business to knock
that bar down and keep it down. If only the Board could contrive to use a little less red-tape in the process !
Tuesday (Lords). LORD DERBY announced the crossing of the Roumanian frontier by 17,000 Russians at Bolgrad and Jassy.
LOBD GBET wanted to know whether what is called the D. T. Draft Protocol (in which Turkey undertakes to do all that the
Conference asked, and to allow the Ambassadors to overlook their doing it, if Russia will only take the armed hand off her throat),
was ever considered while the Asses' Bridge was building. LORD DEBBT said no doubt the D. T. Draft might represent the SULTAN s
idea, but it was never before the Asses'-Bridge-builders ; and if it had been, he really did not believe it would have altered matters.
MAY 5, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
THE TRIUMPHS OF TEMPER.
Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). " Hi, THIS WON'T DO ! I SHALL OT our ! "
Cabby (through the trap, in a whisper). " AH THIN, SOB, NTOR MIND HUE !
KNOWIN* 8HX '8 OOT KID AV YK ! I "
SIT STILL 1 DON'T Giro HER THE SATISFACTION AV
The row was to be, and nothing anybody could have said or done
would have prevented it. What a wonderfully useful business
Diplomacy appears to be, as represented by LORD DERBY ! In fact, his
Lordship seems to design BRITANNIA, very much as Punch might, as
a Dame Partington, armed with the Diplomatic Mop, trying to sweep
back the sea of Russ aggression. If that is a right view of the
matter, " Que diable allait-il faire dant cette galeref" what busi-
ness had LORD SALISBURY at the Conference, or LORD DERBY at the
laboriously useless building of the Asses' Bridge P
(Common*.) MR. SHAW moved for a Select Committee to inquire
into the nature, extent, and grounds of the demand made by a large
proportion of the Irish people for the uncoupling of the Keltic cat
from the Saxon bull-dog. The night's division proved, as a fact,
what the mover began by admitting as a statement, that the con-
cession of Home-Rule is out of the pale of practical politics.
MR. Kino - HARMAN seconded the Motion ; MESSRS. BOTT, BLEN-
NERHASSET, O'SHAUGHNESSY, SlR CoLMAN O'LOOHLEN, and SlR
W. LAWSON, supported it ; MR. C. LEWIS, MB. W. JOHNSON,
and MH. BRUEN, for Irish constituencies, protested against it ; the
Right Honble. W. E. FOKSTKK knocked it out of time ; PROFESSOR
FAWCETT danced over it ; LORD HABTINGTON gave it a parting kick,
and finally the House administered the coup de grace to it by a
division of 417 to 67, of whom thirteen only were English Members.
In fact there was no need of a coup de grace. The Motion was
still-born. MR. O'DONNELL, the Secretary of the Home-Rule Con-
federation, had killed it in embryo by his letter to the Times, pro-
claiming that the Irish vote, in English constituencies, would be given
" solid," to the highest bidder, and that the Liberals must choose
between supporting Home-Rule and exclusion from Office " till
the crack of doom.
As MESSRS. FORSTER and FAWCETT both gave the Home-Rulers
clearly to understand, the Liberal party would a thousand times rather
take their chance of exclusion for ever from the Government of a
United Kingdom, than their chance of a share in the government of
a divided one, by aid of the Home-Rule vote. In a word, the Par-
liament of the United Kingdom will not help the agents of Irish
disaffection to take the muzzle from the Kilkenny cats, and set those
vicious and vindictive animals worrying each other in the ring of
a Palace Green Parliament- House, to the delight of cynics and
the shame of intelligent and civilised men.
If Home-Rule means merely Local Self -Government, it can be
given under that name. If it means Repeal of the Union as it
does mean in the minds of its sincerest supporters it cannot be
given at all. The sooner Ireland puts that into her dudeen, and
smokes it, the better for her.
Tuesday's debate was chiefly valuable for the emphasis with which
it [records that determination. We may thank MR. O'DoNNXLL's
letter for bringing the Home- Rule imposthume (our printer had
printed " imposthure ") to a head. To-night's talk quite discharged
it. Time and prosperity must be left to cure the ill-humours in the
Irish body politic of which the itch for Home-Rule is a symptom.
SIR M. HICKS-BEACH flung a little-needed new apple of discord into
the debate by charging MR. GLADSTONE with having written to recom-
mend MR. KAY to the Liberal constituency of Salford, after, and
although, he had taken the Home-Rule shilling. SIR MICHAEL was
out in liis dates. MR. GLADSTONE showed that his letter had been
written in MR. CAWLEY'S lifetime, long before MR. KAY was a can-
didate for Salford even, much more before he had made friends of
the solid Irish of that highly-Hibernianised constituency.
Wednesday. MR. HOPWOOD moved the Second Reading of a Sum-
mary Proceedings Bill, dealing' with the subject-matter of a Govern-
ment Bill already before the House. Why cross CROSS P So the
House settled HOPWOOD by 228 to 164.
Scotch Bill for doing away with Hypothec floored for the time
being by a quarter of an hour's severe operation of GREGORY'S
Mixture of hard fact and hard law.
Thursday. Seven hours in the Lord* over the DOXE OF RICH-
MOND'S Burials Bill for aggravating the Dissenters' grievance,
under the show of removing it. They want equality in the parish
churchyard. The Bill gives them toleration. They want their own
services over their dead. It gives them " silence." Silence does not
imply Non-conformist consent or content either ; and LORD GRAN-
VILLE became the mouth-piece of their non-content, in his Amend-
ment that in this matter no measure would be satisfactory which did
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 5, 1877.
not leave friends and relatives free to use at burials in parish
churchyards such Christian and orderly observances as to them
might seem fit.
To this complexion it must come ; but bigotry and exclusiveness
die as hard as ever ; and on Thursday they had a field-night ; though
it is to be noted as a cheering sign of the times, and a proof that the
harvest-time of common sense and Christian charity are nigh, that
both Archbishops, in principle, and the BISHOP OF OXFORD by his
vote, supported LORD GRANVILLE'S Resolution. There was a great
crowd. The Bishops overflowed their benches. There were old
ladies, besides those who were present rirtute nfficii, young ladies,
intelligent foreigners (including the Christian Greek and the Hea-
then Chinee), a large muster of the Commons, and many eldest
sons of Peers supporting, as is their right and duty, the Throne
on the steps thereof.
It was as much a matter of course that the Resolution should be
lost (141 to 102 was a small majority against it for the Peers) as it is
that it will be carried in due time. Do not the BISHOP OF LINCOLN
and the EARL of DARTMOUTH oppose it ? Do not the MARQUIS OF
SALISBURY and the Archbishops pray a settlement, ere an offer of
worse terms come with worse, i.e., better, times ? But the Con-
servative Tarquin will not listen to the Sibyl; so her books are
withdrawn from sale, to reappear in due season, at the inevitable
higher figure which will have to be paid at last. The question is
not one to be laid at rest by a " silent burial."
(Commons-) HOBART PASHA 'will cease to be HOBART PASHA,
R.N., from the outbreak of the War. There is no rupture of
Diplomatic relations between Russia and Great Britain.
In Committee on the University Bill, LORD FRANCIS HERVEY moved
the wrath of GRANT DUFF and SIR JOHN LUBBOCK by protesting
against Professors, and backing College education by Tutors against
University education by Lecturers. The Member for the Border
Burghs seconded him. Between LORI HERVEY, TREVELYAN and
LOWE on the Fellows' side, and GEANT DUFF and LUBBOCK on the
Professors', SIR W. HAECOURT took the mediatorial line, and Jove-
like weighed in equal scales the fates of Scholarship and Science,
Colleges and Universities, Fellows and Professors, Endowment
of Research, and Research of Endowments. At last the Bill
got into Committee, and there was a fight over the names of the
Commissioners, PROFESSOR PRICE, PROFESSOR HUXLET, PROFESSOR
MAX MiiLLEH, DR. BATESON, and DR. HOOKER being_ in turn set
up as Aunt Salleys, to be knocked down by majorities varying
from 10 to 32.
The House adjourned at a quarter past one, much delighted with
its little game of three scientific sticks a penny.
Friday (Lords). A. Railway Accidents Commission has lately
reported, recommending measures for enforcing on the Companies
punctuality and safe speed of trains, reasonable hours of service,
and an effective block and brake system.
LORD BURY moved a Resolution pledging my Lords not to do any-
thing to carry out these recommendations. Rest, rest, perturbed
spirit ! The House is not going to. It was hardly necessary for
LORD BEACONSFIELD to say as much. This is the merry month of
may, not must. A Government that won't join in coercing Turks
has no locus standi for coercing Directors. So far from its being
necessary for LORD BURY to raise the subject, my Lords are quite
ready to burke it first and bury it afterwards with a "silent burial,"
of course ; so the less said the better. Leave the Companies to provide
blocks and brakes, as they do now, in all senses of the words, on the
principle of undivided responsibility tempered with damages.
[Commons.) A talk to be taken into consideration by owners of
ships trading to Odessa, still more of sailors shipping on board
thereof. The Russians have given notice that if such ships' get
among the torpedoes the crews are "to go below." Nothing more
likely. It hardly needed a Russian notice to tell us that.
The House declines, by 189 to 65, to accede to the O'DONOGHTTE'S
Motion, first for a Resolution pledging the House to take further
steps to turn the Irish tenant into a fixture, and the Landlord into
a rent-charger, and if the House won't grant that, for a Royal Com-
mission to inquire into the matter. The House declines to follow the
Home-Rulers rule, of fooling Irish tenants to the top of their bent.
Parliament does not mean to grant fixity of tenure any more than
Home-Rule, and prefers to say so in plain majorities, let BUTT pipe
never so persuasively.
BLOWING (OUT OF) GREAT GUNS.
MR. ROBERTSON, the active Manager of the Aquarium, suggests
to the LORD CHAMBERLAIN and the HOME SECRETARY that, if they
have any doubt as to not only the perfect safety but even the plea-
surableness of ZAZEL'S sensational performances, they had better
come and try being blown from the mouth of the gun themselves.
The courteous MAEQUIS OF HERTFORD has replied :
DEAR MR. ROBERTSON,
IT is my business to blow up Managers, not to be blown up
by them. If ZAZEL finds it as pleasant to he blown up by her ma-
chinist as Managers assure me they find it to be blown up by me, I
am delighted to learn the fact, for the young lady's sake as well as
that of your business. But I see no sufficient reason for my making
the experiment, as you kiudly suggest. Modestly as I may think
of myself, for the credit of my Office I cannot allow that a Lord
Chamberlain is a " carpus vile."
Yours faithfully, HERTFORD.
MR. CROSS is terser, but as much to the point :
DEAR MR. ROBERTSON.
I AH accustomed to being blown up by (if not blown out of)
preat guns in the House of Commons, and can't see I have ever found
it hurt me. I suppose ZAZEL'S machinery is on the Parliamentary
pattern, and may be warranted not to do any.harm. So fire away.
Yours, R. A. CROSS.
THEN AND NOW.
" I can especially call to mind a remark which was made to me years and years
ago by MR. DISRAELI, when we were sitting in Opposition, in the presence of
a very eloquent and distinguished leader of the Ministry, who, MR. DISRAELI
may have thought, was, perhaps, too much given to the exercise of his
remarkable powers of speech. MR. DISRAELI, on that occasion, said to me,
' I have always considered that one of the principal qualifications for a leader
of the House of Commons is, I will not say an inability, but an unwillingness
to speak.' " SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE, at the Jianguet of the Middlesex
Conservative Registration Association.
WHAT Dizzr in the Commons held a grace,
He puts in practice in " another place."
(Some hint his silence does not please the Lords.)
But was he always chary of his words ?
His speech was once ornate, and arabesque,
Frequent and fluent as Don-Juanesque ;
Then, being young, and prone to mount the stilt on,
He vowed to give my Lords a taste of MILTON ;
Now, old, and over friends and foes victorious,
Our MILTON 's mainly mute-yif not inglorious.
A golden silence ? So his friends proclaim.
His foes say brazen. Well, what 's in a name ?
At worst he proves, in times with talk abounding,
There are some kinds of brass that are not " sounding."
A HINT TO THE JAPS.
oo-so, the first iron-clad fri-
gate built in this country for
the Japanese Government, was
launched on Saturday from the
works of MESSRS. SAMUDA
BROTHERS, at Poplar." Daily
Paper.
As the Japanese have
thus introduced one of the
many blessings of modern
Western civilisation into
their country, Punch calls
their Ambassador's atten-
tion to the following items
which we could well spare,
and which the Japanese
perhaps might appreciate
The Great Eastern Rail-
way.
All the four - wheeled
Cabs of the Metropolis.
A good many street and
square Statues.
The Editor of the Englishman.
The Rector of St. James's. Hatcham. s
The Golden Image from the Albert Memorial.
The Claimant.
Three-fourths of the Music-Halls and Gin Palaces.
The Comic Singer of the Period.
The Man- Woman of Ditto, with her " movements," fashionable,
political, and social.
FBOJt ANGELINA (DURING THE HONEYMOON).
THE Heroine EDWIN always invokes before meals " Grace
Darling," of course !
MAY 5, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
197
OPINIONS ABOUT THE WAR.
us Butcher. Terrible
thing, indeed '. 11" w
the poor Russians
and Turks are to get
proper food, I am
sure I don't know.
Still, / can't do any
harm by raising the
price 01 meat two-
pence a pound.
The Editor. A
disgrace to civilisa-
tion ! Infamous that
diplomacy should
have allowed nations
to drift into war.
Still, it will cer-
tainly give us plenty
of leading lines for
the Contents' Bills,
and capital subjects
for leaders.
The Newspaper
Proprietor. Hor-
rible! It's merely
butchery by thou-
sand sand thousands.
It is very hard not
to call it murder.
Still, I have no doubt
that our circulation
will be considerably
increased.
The Special Cor-
Remembering, as I do,
7>1 and '>">, 1 am more
respondent. I was quite upset when I heard the news.
the terrible scenes of 18tit> and 1871, to say nothing of
sorry than I can say. . Still, I expect my letters from the seat of war will create
a great sensation.
The Gun Manufacturer. Fearful ! The worst'of it is, no one can say where
it will all end. It will be so very difficult to localise the
war. Still, I am glad to say that everywhere gun-
manufacture is Lxiking up, and tee have more orders
on hand than we can get through with.
Tli,- xia'/,,,,!-,,,-,-. Almost too painful to think about.
It will lie u dreadful blow to commerce in every part of
the world. Still, it is only fair to admit that it may
give freights a fillip, and that neutral bottoms are likely
to be in demand.
The Doctor. Sad. very sad ! The amount of misery
that will be caused by the war will be immense. Gun-
shot wounds and disease of every kind will carry off
both the combatants and the non-combatants with the
greatest certainty. Still, tee ought to learn something
out of it all.
Mr. Punch. Dreadful, horrible, terrible, and lament-
able ! Still, my dear friends, none of you seem inclined
to forget that " it's an ill wind that blows nobody
good.' P
A Brand-New Song.
After GOLDSMITH.
(On tin SP*AXER having hii potket picktd of hit icalch at tht
folly Theatre.)
WHEN a grave Speaker stoops to Folly.
And finds with tickers roughs make 'way,
What charm can soothe his melancholy
Can Laughing Oat his loss repay ?
The" only way to hide vexation,
To shield himself from pungent chaff,
Save dignity of House and nation,
And keep his temper, is to laugh.
A FBOBLXM.
GIVN the amount of Kurds in the Turkish army in
Asia Minor, required its Cream.
A EEIN PAST BEARING.
OUR valuable' contemporary the British Medical Journal has
lately uttered a seasonable reminder to its professional readers (to
which Punch is glad to'give publicity beyond the professional pale)
of the cruelty of bearing-reins, Punch ;s protests against which,
from FtowEK, have, Punch is glad to see, borne already abundant
fruit and will yet bear more. Punch quotes from the journal
in question :
" We are reminded, by the recommencement of the reason in London, to
eay a few words by way of directing attention afresh to the powerful and
humane pleas of MB. FLOWER against the cruel practice of driving horses
with bearing-reins. It is a pleasure to notice that by far the larger number
of the leading medical practitioners in London hare discontinued altogether
the use of bearing-reins ; and we hope that the day is not far distant when we
shall be able to poiut to the equipage of every medical practitioner in the
country as a practical protest against the use of this most unnecessary,
painful, and mischievous appendage to driving-reins. Physiology prototte
against the slninc-d and artificial attitude which the horse is compelled to
assume, and which must certainly lessen his power of drawing weights.
Humanity and common sense protest against the infliction of this constant
gagging strain upon the sensitive mouth of an animal whose mouth is used
by the driver as the principal means ot guiding and directing him. Nor can
any one who has any real knowledge of or pleasure in the study of animal
forms feel otherwise than gratified at the free and unconstrained attitude of
a horse driven without bearing-reins. Their use is a mere matter of senseless
fashion. No good coachman uses bearing-reins for a horse from which he
desires to get the full amount of work, or which he desires to leave at ease.
Their employment is, indeed, merely a senseless fashion, which hat abto-
lutely nothing to recommend it ; and in favour of abolition there are reasons
to many and decided that we hope that not many yean will pass before they
are not only disused but forgotten. The members of the medical profession
owe much to horses, and they can to well appreciate the reasons for disusing
bearing-reins, that we may fairly look to them to set an universal good
example in this matter. And now that London is tilling with fashionable
IKvple, whose horses are much disfigured by this cruel instrument of torture,
we hope that before the season is over we may be able, in directing attention
to this subject, to say no medical man in London uses bearing-reins for the
horses which he drives."
Can it be true, by the way, as Punch has heard, that BARONESS
BURDETT COUTTS allows the use of bearing-reins on her carriage-
horses '? If it be, let our sweet ANGELA, in her character of the
animals' friend, just trouble herself to investigate the matter. Let
the Angel take counsel of the Flower and we will answer for her
abolishing the gag forthwith not coute qui coute iai it will 'co 8 *
nothing to do it away, though it costs poor horses more suffering
than her kind heart knows, to bear it.
And can another strange story Punch hears be true that the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has shrunk from any
manifesto against bearing-reins, through fear of annoying wealthy
and fashionable subscribers who like to see their horses hold their
heads up P
LITERA SCRIPTA MANET.
Ax ancient aphorism, sage and true,
(Though it will scarce to Protocols apply,)
So HICKS- BBACH thought, and searched his pockets through,
For written proof to poke in GLADSTONE'S eye.
But when at last SIR MICHAEL found his letter
Official pockets should be ordered better
He found his demonstration missed the mark
Wide as DB MORGAN'S.
Undated history leaves one in the dark.
Though set to music of " the Party's " organ* :
And so SIR MICHAEL learnt, midst general laughter,
Proofs before letters may not be proofs after.
A . Chancery Basher.
A IIEAI.TII to MR. FRY, Q.C., on his appointment to be a Judge of
the Chancery Division of the High Court of Justice J , In an account
of his professional career, and literary and scientific achievements,
we are informed that
" Since he became Queen't Countel in 1869, the Court telected by MB. FKY
to practise in has been that of VICE-CHANCELLOR BACON."
BACON first, and now Fur ? Is not this rather likely to suggest to
suitors unpleasant associations with the frying-pan and the nre.
WHAT DB. KENEALT GIVES THE HOUSE, WHES HE APOLOGISES
TO THE SPEAKER. Its due, instead of his dew-drops.
CONTEMPT OF COURT. Objeoting
HAWKINS has any right to "Justice.'
to allow that Snt HENRT
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 5, 1877.
NOT TO
" MY DOLL CAN OPEN HSR EVES 1 "
BE BEATEN.
" MY DOLL NEVER SHUTS HERS!'
TEIAL BY BATTLE.
PEACE, with her olive-branch dust-stained and torn,
In sad and hopeless silence sat forlorn.
Storm raged aroundj but on each wind there came
Tumultuous invocation of her name.
" Peace ! Peace ! " the echoes answered. Peace upraised
Her sad, sweet eyes. The maddening tumult 'mazed
Their clear regard. Red Murder, with his hand
Clenched in fierce strain upon a blood-dyed brand,
Howled for her aid ; Ambition, with his hordes
Massed in dense myriads for the feast of swords,
Uplifted solemn eyes, as who should love
The Lady of the Olive-branch and Dove ;
Hypocrisy, the Cross clasped to her breast,
And armies at her heels, with unctuous zest
Lipped the loved name ; and sleek Diplomacy
Even in Peace's name gave Peace the lie.
Grey wolfish rancours of race, creed, and hate,
Eager to cool in blood their hot debate,
Drew over their wolves' backs the sheep's disguise,
And masked their wrath with fair philanthropies.
Poor Peace ! Perturbed, perplext, she fain would ask
Why all invoke her help, and to what task
They 'd call her hands. She looked around. The skies
Suddenly darkened. Ere those crossing cries
Had died upon the wind, War's naked blade
Flashed lightning-like athwart the deepening shade.
Diplomacy, its formal protests hushed,
Skulked from the scene, with torn waste-papers crushed
In shaking hands ; and, panoplied in pride
The wolf revealed, sheep's clothing cast aside
Two champions stood forth, stern face to face,
Hot for the red arbitrament ; the Mace,
Poised menacing, the Scimitar, at guard ;
Strong sinews strung, against wrist quick to ward,
Bear-crested, broad, the stark mace-wielder towered ;
Lean, lissom as the pard, with brow that lowered,
And eye that quailed not, crouched his Moslem foe.
Trial by battle ! Who the end may know ?
Who tell what warriors more may join the fray ?
Or who the spreading strife can hope to stay ?
Peace pressed her fluttered dove to her pale breast,
And with one wistful look towards the West,
One low-breathed prayer of " Heaven defend the right ! "
Athwart the deepening darkness took her flight.
Destination of Donkeys.
THERE are persons who must have seen many dead Donkeys-
They reside in the country, where they carry on a manufacture.
At an inquiry held the other day under the Artisans' Dwellings
Act, a MR. HATWARD, a young costermonger, was examined.
Incidentally
" He said : ' We deal in the provision line, bacon and cheese. We sell
our donkeys in the winter at the Cattle Market. We don't know what they
do with them." He assented to MR. EODWELL'S insidious suggestion that at
that time sausages come up from the country."
Perhaps it is rather the case that the Donkeys go down to the
country at that time, and the sausages come up soon after.
Slaughter on Railways.
A CITY Article in the Times contains the remarkable, not to say
startling, announcement that " the 19th number has just been pub-
lished of ME. MIHILL SLAUGHTER'S Railway Intelligence." A great
part of Railway Intelligence in general might be said to consist of
Slaughter's autobiography, if one could imagine Slaughter personi-
fied, and writing a Life consisting of Railway reminiscences. There
are, however, SLAUGHTER and Slaughter connected with Railways.
Would that the only Railway Slaughters that could be named were
MIHTLL and Nihil !
PLAT (by the Author of "Pink Dominos"). Black Draughts.
H
H
MAY 5, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
201
BENEATH THE LOWEST DEEP."
Swell. " AH, PORT-AR, is THIS TWAIN AH COMPOBID MJTIRILY OF SECOND-
CLASS CAWWIAQES ? I "
Glasgow Porter. " NA, NA,
FURTHER FORRIT THERB ! 1 "
MAN. THKRl'S A WH1BN THIRD-C'LESS ANI8
"CURSED BE HE WHO MOVES MY BONES."
THE Bunhill Fields' Burial Ground, in which are laid
the bodies of QEOBGE Fox and JOUN Hi .\v.\x, has lately
been the cause of much controversy. Miss OCTAVIA HILL
has offered to the Committee of Friendi, in whose hands
the matter lies, almost any sum fur the possession of the
land, that it might be mude into a garden for the
wretched and fryer-crowded population, of the district.
The Com mil t^e of Friends, how' II the
land. for building sites, caring little that for that purpose
the bodies ol thousands have to be i< m..y, 1. An eye-wit-
ness <.; <s upermuli says :
' L'L;. ireful undertaker" (who, how-
ever, wu not pri'M'iit at the time), the remains of tome 5,000
icaj wuv bting ilUint' i .
Those who had lain side by side for two centuries
were now separated, and the bones of the young and old
were placed together in coarse deal boxes, and rein-
terred in a large hole at the other end of the ground.
Many of them, whilst awaiting this fresh burial, were
piled in a rude heap in a corner, and the fumes of the
carbolic acid which had been poured over them testified
to the care extended to the living by the disturbers <>i'
the dead. The bunes were only separated by severe ill-
usage and the ribald language of the workmen who
undertook the task, when added to the method of the
work, '.was such as to justify the term, " liaised in Dis-
honour."
FacU ituKyuatia vtn,um.
In old time* for scorn's wke and ipite'i,
Our PUI-H plucked up our IVud ;
Now to bring pelf as building situs,
Our Friendu do it instead.
A DVANCES made on LAND in Europe and Asia, with-
t\. out Interest. Apply at the Russian Arms.
A GOOD ADVZB.TI8EMKHT LISJS FOB THE AQUARIUM.
(A Pretent from Punck to MB. BOKERTSON.)
" SKBKTNQ the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's month." ZAZEL.
PBOOF POSITIVE. Russia can't contemplate a naval
war, or why has she sent for her Pacific Fleet ?
DE PR01WDI8.
(In the Rhonddha J'ulky.)
TEN days, far down, those live drew painful breath,
And heard, at last, their strokes that hewed a way
Through the black wall : a race 'twixt strength and death :
Hunger aud Water waiting for their prey.
Ten days, ahove, that valley poured its life,
Men, women, children, round that sudden grave,
To watch, with heart-sick hope, the stubborn strife
Betwixt men's power to bear, men's power to save.
Ten days, wide England through, the nation's heart
Hung on the struggle, with one pulse, one breath,
riug the wires, which told the yards that part
The savers from the sufferers life from death.
Great strife in little space was theirs to wage :
That black wall their least foe ; with poisonous flame,
Pent air let loose, and prisoned water's rage,
Still rising, as salvation nearer came.
One side that wall, the life that ebbed away,
As inch by inch the cruel waters crept ;
The other side, strong arms the pick that sway
In face of many deaths till forth there leapt
The shout of victory, for life and strength
Had been too much for death ; the five were won
From famine, water, fire, and clasped, at length,
Their savers' helping hands the fight was done !
And England's heart from oommon'sympathy
Broke forth in common burst of thankful prayer ;
And from the cottage to the throne, one cry
Went up, " Well done ! " as England had bean there.
And she was there : the Lady of the Land
Had with her people watched that ten days' fight :
Her eager voice of question crossed the band
That bore those wasted sufferers back to light.
Oh ! well for them that suffered, them that saved,
Her that rewarded with a rich reward ;
The medal till now for sea-savers graved
Is theirs who fought that battle long and hard,
Nor ever bated hope, or heart, or hand,
But showed how deep, in that Black Country's core,
Courage and brothers' love un-noted stand,
Ready to do their duty and do more.
" In the Black Country " whon we see that name
Before gome ignorant deed of wrath or wrong,
Let us remember the brave eight that came
With life in hand, one eight out of a throng
But of a throng that more such eights had found,
Had these been stricken down. Qoxl bless them all !
Such proofs of brotherhood may nut abound,
But, when need comes, long nuy suoh proofs befall !
And long may England feel the trust in Heaven
That nerved those sufferers' hearts, those savers' hands ;
Trust that to England's millions was given,
To prompt the thanksgiving that faith, commands.
FOR THE Cj.BBr. WHAT ohjefltion can you possibly
have to a dectnitr Burial Bill P
202
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 5, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANGLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE DE LESTEH-SCOUERE.)
IL e'tait un Hebreu de Hambourg,
Qui creva d'un mauvais calembonrg,
Qu'il eut 1'audace extrSme
De coramettre en carfime,
tTn Dimanche, au milieu d'Edimbourg.
CINQ fois yeuf, il a cinq belle-meres,
Pont il fait les devices si cherea
Qu'elles rivent chez Ini
Pour charmer son ennui ....
Sea regrets n'en sont pas moins sinceres.
JE me suis demand^ bien souvent
Ce que c'est qu'un " Breton Bretonnant " t
N'en deplaUe it personne,
Quand un Breton " bretonne,"
Par oil "bretonne "-t-il I . . . Et comment t
CHAQUK 6poque a ses grands noms sonores ;
Or, de tout ces dtfunta cockolores,
Le moral FANfcLON,
MIOHIL ANOE, et JOHNSON
(Le Docteor), sont let plot awfuls bores t
MAT 5, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
203
'->/ V
f l. 1 rr h-i
*" fit.
DIARY OF MY RIDE TO KHIVA.
(Continued by Private Wire* at before.)
XXT Day. Up all night wit n
Pig, teaching him something
new. M ASK KI.VN K ** i) COOKK
would dp good business out
here with Psycho and a
sleigh. Many a snow-
farmer in these regions
would be glad of Psycho for
an evening's amusement,
and would pay high for the
entertainment. Piggy nearly
as good as Psycho, only not
so dependable. The advant-
age of my Pig over Psycho
is that no machinery it
required. This is a hint to
MKSSBS. M. AND C. But I
won't say another word if
Need I add a condition to
men of such business-like
habits as MESSRS. M. ASD C.
If I know the secret of
Psycho, what am I worth f
I am sure that my friends,
M. ANII C., at a distance,
will,[after this intimation,
at once add their honoured
and valuable names to the
list of subscribers by whose
assistance I am to be kept
out here. When I return,
I shall, with my Pig, my
Horse, my merry Tartar
Boy, my Mechanical Piano, and perhaps a Fair Circassian or two (some-
thing like the lady with long hair on'Mns. ALLEN'S wall advertisement-
only much more so), have such a Show for the Egyptian Hall as will
astonish all London. My Entertainment will be announced as " My Ride
to Khiva, illustrated with a Pig ! a Piano ! ! a Panorama 11!" Note.
Crossed a river to-day. The Oxus, I believe.
Same Afternoon. the Donkey is an ass. He won't stir a step. For-
tunately, my horse has thrown the Vodki-man who returned him to-day
with a note, saying that, as he couldn't ride, and as he should probably be
sued by me for eighteenpenoe an hour (as he infallibly wouloT have been
for my own sake, and that of my friend the Livery-stable keeper in town),
he thought he had better return him with thankski (i.e. Tartar expression
of gratitude). The horse will be of the greatest use to me. Note. Crossed
another river, or the same. The Oxus, I fancy.
Same Night. I am in luck! A discovery! I had just finished practising
the Pig at ecartt (he won four games out of five to-night, so I shall begin to
teach him something else, because my sleigh-driver and his boy always back
the Pig now, and I lost more than a rouble and a half odd !), when, accidentally, I whistled the favourite movement from the Overture
to the Cheval de Bronze. In a second, my steed had broken from its moorings, and was cantering round and round in exact time to the
tune. Struck with the coincidence, I put on the steam, and went presto so did the animal, prestissimo so did the animal ; while the
Pig sat up on his tail, which doubled under him, and grinned from ear to ear (just as you 'ye seen the mouth of the boar's head at
Christmas time with an apple, or a lemon, in it), and the Sleigh-driver and Boy applauded violently. Prestittimo-itsimo "again he
urges on his wild career ; " and as I repeated this most happily applicable line to myself, a thought a happy thought if I may be
permitted to use the expression struck me. " Am I not in the very region of the Scenes of the Circle P Am I not in t"
Mazeppa f ' Then the idea formulated itself into poetry, and, like an inspired Votes of old, I exclaimed
" "TU the pot for bold Mauppa,
There the Steppes, and here the Stepper ! "
And then I stopped ; inspiration had reached its limits, and why should I force inspiration by suggesting to inspiration that the next
line ought to end with " Pepper," and that " Leper " wouldn't be a bad termination for line four f Ah ! if poets only knew when to
the country of
well ? Why bring up the muddy water ? Why not,
sung Inspiration I what crimes have not
halt, how many halting lines should we be annually spared ! Why pump at a dry well
in fact, leave the Pierian well alone P "0 Inspiration ! " as the Poet has feelingly
been committed in thy name ! ' But to go into the subject of what crimes have not been committed, would he to wander away
from my present fixed intention, which is to write a Diary of my Ride to Khiva, and not a disquisition on Inspiration, the Divine
Afflatus, and burning the bellows.
Next Day. Crossed the Oxus again. Slept well. Up early. Horse out. Whistled Overture, and then tried fresh music on
Mechanical Piano, while the Pig turned the handle. Another of his increasingly numerous accomplishments. Horse up to a great
deal more than was ever suspected in the philosophy of my noble friend the Livery-Stable Keeper, or I shouldn't have got him for
one-and-sixpence an hour. I find that he (the Horse) has been accustomed to sup with the Clown ; that he can fire off a pistol ;
that he can dance a waltz, a polka, and march in quick or slow time. I aimed at him with my umbrella (or somebody's which
came with me from England), and he fell down, pretending (with much spontaneous humour) to be dead. We try to lift him. " No
good pulling at a dead horse," I exclaimed (this will be part of my dialogue for my Entertainment registered already), and then, after
asking him to get up to see his mother, then to have his dinner, and other facetious suggestions, I cried out, " Here 's a Policeman
coming ! " whereupon he jumped up on to his all-fours, pulled himself together, the Pig turned the handle of the Mechanical Piano,
which at once struck up the Sronze Hone, prestissimo et fortissimo, and away went the gallant steed round and round, with me clicking
the whiD,_and singing a Hi ! hi ! Hoopla ! tchk ! " while the Sleigh-driver and the Boy applauded to the echo.
Midday. Pig sulky, in consequence of Horse's success.
entrepreneur commence. I wish we could get to Khiva.
We hope soon to be able to ay something definite about this
We have our doubt but who hasn't ? ED.
, _,.. Fortune is before us.
What jealousy there always is among artistes ! Now the difficulties of an
Note. River again. Crossed the Oxus for the fourth time. How it
Private Wire;" the question being, is he a soldier or a telegraphic communicator?
204
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
[MAY 5, 1877.
meanders. Good name for a Tartar love-story,
Hero and Maandei of course all about me-and-
her.
2'30. Met a sign-post going the other way.
We 've taken the wrong road again. Getting
nearer China ; most provoking. Where are we
now? The Pig, as a native, ought to know.
* * * * Have just put the letters of the Alphabet
before Pig, hoping he would spell out the name of
the locality, and give us further information
about our road to Khiva. Pig either obstinate,
stupid, or still in a sulky jealous pet about Horse.
All he would do was, first to spell out" S-H-E
L-0-Y-E-S Y-O-U," and then to grunt at the
Sleigh-driver, as if under the impression that he
was going through the ordinary performance, and
answering my question, " Who is the handsomest
man here ? "when he ought, by right, to select a
visitor. Pi? no use. Sleigh-driver doesn't know
country. He says, "0 overfed and much-caressed
Son of distinguished Parents," this means me
" there is a shebeenski nigh at hand, kept by a
brother of mine. Let us go thither, and inquire
our way." Refused.
Saturday, Crossed the Oxus. This [is the fifth
time in three days that we 've crossed the Oxus.
Either the river winds (I don't mean breezes, but
winds with a long poetic " i ") considerably, or we
are travelling in a circle. Perhaps we are ; if so,
it 's the fault of the Circus Horse, who, having
been' accustomed to going round and round, can't
go straight. Met a Kirghiz-man. A Kirghiz-man
is a sort of travelling, butcher, who sells kirghizzes
(i.e. Tartaric for carcases). Meat is cheap out here,
and, if exported by a Company, might run the
American market in London hard. Asked the
Kirghiz - man in to dinner, and begged him to
bring his own food with him. He did so. Excel-
lent dinner. Treated him to hot wickski and
water, strong. It brought tears into his eyes.
We were all much affected. More hot wickski,
with less water. More tears. Gave a thimbleful
to the Pig. When the Kirghiz-man saw the Pig
seated at our humble board, he could stand it no
longer, but raising his glass in the air, cried,
" Onld Oireland for iver ! " and tossed it off at a
gulp. After this we entered freely into conversa-
tion. He informed me that he had been brought
up as an Irishman, but had not seen his country
for many years. More wickski. More tears. He
sang a sporting song, composed by himself,
about
" Tia on the Oxus
We hunt the foxus."
But I forget the rest, except that it had a chorus
that sounded like "Shandygaff mavourneen!"
and was, I think, in praise of that excellent
compound. About 10 P.M. we sat down to a hand
at whist. The party consisted of the Pig (as
Dummy and my partner), the Sleigh-man (who
doesn't know the game .well) and the CHEVALIER
O'LEEET (as he likes to be called in private life)
being partners. Pig and self played all we knew.
Halt'-a-rouble points, and two roubles on the rub.
Self and Partner won first rub ; also second ; also
third. More wickski. Chevalier proposed fresh
arrangement of partners. Acceded to his request.
As we were changing our seats, the Chevalier
swore he heard the Pig whispering to me in
passing. I denied it, and asserted the impossi-
bility of such an occurrence. The Chevalier asked
me if I 'd never heard of a " Pig's Whisper." I
replied, "Never! Is it a songi"' (N.B. If it
isn't, good idea for a song, " The Pig's Whisper "
with accompaniment for the piggolo.) Chevalier
very angry. More wickski. Sleigh-driver and
self won next rub. Chevalier violent. Row. We
threatened to expose him to the Russian autho-
rities, at the next Polisstashunski, as an Irish spy,
if he didn't pay up all he owed. The Chevalier,
overcome by the force of our arguments (the
Sleigh-driver is just six feet, and powerful in
proportion), handed over the coin. We parted
at least he "parted" and we rode on quickly in
the direction of Khiva. KB. Crossed the Oxus
for the sixth time.
Sunday. Halt of the Caravan. Passed the morning in reading the Pig and the
Sleigh-driver a series of touching discourses : first, on the sin of cheating at cards ;
secondly, on the danger of being found out ; thirdly, on fidelity to employers ;
fourthly, on gratitude to benefactors. After lunchski, taught the Pig some Sunday
games with the Alphabet, teaching him the answers to such questions as " Where was
MOSES when the candle went out ? " " Who took in the first sporting paper ? " and
other queries from the Catechism. I fear that the Sleigh-man has no fixed principles.
He likes hearing* a bell ring, and has a Sunday hat, but they don't convey to his mind
any distinct notion of: what time of day it is. He has never heard of either a Pew-
opener or a Beadle. Could you not send out some portraits of celebrated Pew-openers
" Beadles F And get up a subscription for my Sleigh-driver's conversion. He 'd
Couldn't read the letters.
and '.
like it, and so should I.
Sunday over. On to Khiva. Met a Post with letters.
I think we are on the right road now.
Monday, 11 A.M. Crossed the Oxus for the seventh time. That's the worst of a
Circus Horse. A.ndasthe Donkey wouldn't go, we were compelled to leave him behind.
If I could only find my compass, I might keep the horse straight. Snow thick. My
new Frigimometer (especially invented for this climate, and patented, of course) marks
the temperature at '000075 below Double /oro. This is cold ! Somebody coming.
**** *
Nothing is more important for the Public at home, whether intomlin? individually,
or collectively, to ride to Khiva, than to understand the country. In case of our being
drawn into a war, let me give this hint to the Government: The. Frontier is belter for
seeing than the back-tier. It in easily defended, and withnnt, any expense to speak
of. Send me out a few good Policemen of the A Division who know their business,
I '11 go out as a Special, and undertake to clear the place of any Russians. India is safe
for the present, but Khiva ought to be our Bow Street, and myself the Sitting Magistrate.
From riding so much and, mind, a donkey is quite another sort of animal to a
horse (let me tell the Public, who rightly admire CAPTAIN BC/HNAEY, that it isn't every
cross-country man who has a good seat on a donkey) I have an excellent seat ; and,
therefore, as the Easterns know this, they would receive me as a Sitting Magistrate
where they would look with contempt on an unknown individual, however great his
other qualifications might be. Here, riding on a donkey is a compliment to the
Natives. Here follows my map, which, if rough, is at least drawn by an honest
hand, and will prove invaluable : .
<^.,V' J
? ^
JV A&iUuAy^ | /
----,.^T--;--:^.
. . . - : :;Vi: _..- T 7 '--..
First turnpike. 2. Sign-post names on it almost illegible. 3. Snow country. Capital
opportunity for a ballet. 4. Cross roads a real puzzler. 5. Winter Palace of the Great
Mogul. 6. Short cut to Khiva not mentioned in the ordinary guide-books. 7. Fields,
where " Trespassers will be Prosecuted." 8. Circussia, where the trained steeds for Circusses
are. 9,10. Good road; well adapted for troops. 11. Very fair Temperance Hotel. Recom-
mended by the Faculty. 12. Mountainous Passes. (Passes only admit two to Upper
Circles^ Ravines. (ffa-viNES where GRAPE-sAo might he useful. Jen de mot, registered.')
13. Snow-covered deceptive volcano. (Mentioned by the Latin Poet, "Anna virumyue
rol-eano.") 14. Frozen Lake. Good effect with a lime-light. Excellent place for a Skating
Club. Easily crossed by Troops, if supplied with my now (patented) rink ekates.
a, b, e, d, e,f. Boarding-houses on the borders. Most important strategical position. Groat
chance for a big Hotel and a Theatre. Put Police at the doors, and don't allow any Russian
to come in without an Order. No one admitted after 7'30 P.M. No fees. 15. My shortest,
quickest, and cheapest way back to London, vid Monaco and Paris.
QUESTION BY SIR HENKT HAWKINS. " Am I not a Judge and a Brother ?"
MAY 1-2, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS.
Parson. " BETTER FID THAN TAUGHT, I FANCY, Bort"
Boy. " i8, I BE ; 'oos I FB.KDS MYSKLF, AND YOU TKACHKB MB ! "
/A /.EL.
(IVtth MK. PUNCH'S Compliiiuntt.)
POLICEMEN ! I have lost my heart
Here in the Westminster Aquarium,
Since first I saw her rapid dart
Amiss the diapcr'd Velarium.
A form, that PHIDIAS might conftss
As gracef ul as a young gazelle,
With raven hair, and ruby dress,
And winsome eyes, make up ZAZKL !
Now, far above me, pretty dear,
She treads the air with daring feet ;
Now wires all along " No fear ! "
A message wond'ring crowds repeat.
Now diving from the high trapeze
(Not LioiABD osait comme etlc),
Two fairy wings one's fancy seen
Sprout from the shoulders of ZAZEI. !
Like swallow swiftly starting South,
She safely skiiuuied the air, and yet
'Twas then my heart into my mouth
Would jump, as she did in the net.
But see, she rises like a partridge
And now becomes a true live shell,
Or shall we ay, a living cartridge ?
I wish you were my charge, ZAZKL !
Discharge you ! Blow you up ! Not I
I could not do it, if I tried.
But let me off : you '11 see me fly,
To fall in your net at your side !
A poet's loftiest flights come short
Of praising your High Art, ma belle,
Your aim 's as good as your report :
You 're hit the gold and me, ZAZEL !
TBA.P Aim CATCH Nor. Medical and other oorrespon-
dents of newspapers touching sanitary matters, have
taken to describe defective drains and sewers in com-
munication with dwelling-houses as "fever traps." But
is not a fever trap, properly so called, rather the person
who catches the fever '' He catches it, generally, mark
you, not in, nor by, but for want of a trap.
DIARY OF A TURKISH SAILOR.
MOUDA Y. Read the London papers. Drilled my men at the
Armstrong gun. Went to lunch whilst they were praying to the
Prophet, and spent the rest of the day in writing a long letter (upon
" Turkish Wrongs "), intended for insertion in the Times.
Tuesday. Put on mv Pasha's dress, and ordered some " Bass " to
be sent on board immediately. Communicated with the Admiralty,
Whitehall. Granted permission to my First Lieutenant to visit his
harem, and employed the rest of my time in composing a letter
(upon " Russian Atrocities "), intended for insertion in the Times.
Wednesday. Wore my Admiral's uniform. Hoisted the Turkish
flag at the mizen, and returned shots with forty Russian forts. In
the intervals of the actions thought out a letter (upon "The
Honour of Turkey "), intended for insertion in the Times.
Thursday. Read the Life of Nelson. Took breakfast whilst my
crew were at their devotions, and then blazed away at the Russians
until all was blue. After dark, wrote by the light of the exploding
shells a letter (upon " The Disgrace of Russia "), intended for inser-
tion in the Times.
Friday. Fired a salute in honour of the SPLTAK, pnt on a new
fez and a pair of English shooting-boots. Smoked a few cigarettes
through my favourite hookah. In the evening gave chase to the
Russian Fleet, and jotted down a few notes (upon " Turkish Pros-
perity and Industry, with Lives of the Turkish Saints"), intended
for insertion in the Times.
Saturday. Put on ray shooting-jacket and Scotch cap ; sang
" Rule Britannia " and a Turkish song of my own composition ;
read Punch, and blew the Russian fleet to atoms. Made a speech
to mv gallant crew about " shivering timbers " and " behaving like
true British Tars," and substituted grog for sherbet. In the evening
wrote a long letter (upon "The Turco-Russian War and the neutrality
of English Naval Officers"), intended for insertion in the Times.
Went to bed, and dreamed that although by some means or other
my head was Turkish, my heart still remained English. As I woke
up I had just lost ray way in trying to find Westminster Abbey in
Constantinople. Wrote an account of my nightmare, not intended
for insertion in the Times.
PHYSIOLOGY FROM EDINBURGH!
To the names of 'men illustrious for their attainments in medical
science, and connected with Edinburgh, will probably soon be added
the name of Auld Reekie's present representative, MR. M'I.AKK.V.
In his place, on his legs, advocating the Cruelty to Animals Bill,
the Hon. Gentleman is reported to have augmented Collective
Wisdom by the information that
"It was said that if Vivisection were stopped, scientific growth would be
stopped ; but the fact was that nothing remained to be discovered by Vivisec-
tion ; everything had been discovered long ago, and experiment* were now
made upon living animals, not for the purpose of discovery, but for the purpose
of proving to students that certain things which they had been taught were
true."
All this will be news to the medical profession. The most
advanced of known Physiologists will perhaps be the most
surprised to learn that nothing remains to be discovered by
Vivisection, and that everything has been discovered .long ago ;
which latter statement must also astonish some anti- Vivisectionuts
who declare that no discovery has been ever made by Vivisection at
all. The more that known Physiologists know of the science they
cultivate, the more clearly they think they see how much remains
to be known, and the extent of their own ignorance. But the Hon.
Member for Edinburgh is at present an unknown Phy biologist ;
though, from the declaration above-quoted touching Physiology, he
appears to be in possession of all the knowledge it is possible to
acquire on that subject, which he will perhaps be so good as shortly
to impart to the world in a volume which must shelve all the works
of DB. CABPKSTEB.
Horticulture of Holy Russia.
WE are told, by telegram, that the Russians are planting torpe-
does in the Danube. This Russian gardening resembles, on a large
scale, that practised by our forefathers when they planted fcteel-
traps and spring-guns in their gardens. It is making the Danube a
bear-garden, which the bears insist on keeping all to themselves.
206
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 12, 1877.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
HOUGH scotched not killed, sound sense and
Christian toleration again found a voice in
LORD GRANVLLLE (Lords, Monday, April 30),
who gave notice of an Amendment of the Burials
Bill, embodying the defeated Resolution of last
week. He pointed out that the Committee on
the Bill had been fixed for Ascension Day,
when their Lordships usually rise, and do not
sit, and wanted to know if this was a piece of
fun, meant to relieve the grave character of
the subject.
LORD CARNARVON said it was a mistake, not
a joke their Lordships were incapable of a
joke.
(Commons.) MR. GLADSTONE, three months
too late, flung down his glove, challenging the
Government to Parliamentary combat d out-
rance on the Eastern Question. When trial
by battle has begun, the time for trial by
talk has past. The rival champions stand face
to face in other than division lists.
SIR JOHN LUBBOCK will move the Previous
Question. It is something to know there is a
previous question. At times, dazed with talk
of the one topic, Punch begins to think there
never was a question before the Eastern one.
and is never going to be another. The Liberal
Party, it is said, as far as there is a Liberal
Party (it seems just now to be party per pale
of humanity), will go with SIR JOHN. He is
an experimentalist on bees, but does not wish
at present to disturb the hornets' nest that
lurks in "W. E. G.'s Resolutions. Evidently a
good many on the Liberal side think with
him. Whatever Punch may think of W.E.G.'s
tactics, he cannot but admire the pluck of the
House's Hal o' the Wynd, who " fights for his
own hand," and his own conscience. But he
repeats, if this battle was to have been fought
in' the House, as it ought to have been, it
should have been fought in the first 'week of
the Session. In so far as England is chargeable
with responsibility in respect of this war, Her
Majesty's Opposition has a right to share it
with Her Majesty's Government. "Inter arma
sili-nt lingua " as well as " leges."
MR. BOUHKE gave such information as he
oould on the state of the Danube and Black
Sea regulations touching blockade and neutral
rights. The Turkish lights are put out in the
Straits. The Turks have an unfortunate way
in all their straits of putting their lights out,
and sailing at random, in the dark, under a
full-head of steam, right on to the No-money
Shoals, the Too-late Reefs, and the Corrup-
tion Sands.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER for the Government gave
notice that the usual Declaration of Neutrality would be published
at once, like a declaration of insolvency in the Gazette.
Tuesday (Lords). The DUKE OF SOMERSET wants to know why
the Cattle Plague Inquiry cannot be taken in the Lords, as their
Lordships have too little to do, while there is a block of business in
the Commons. The Duke was long enough in the House of Commons
to have known that the business of that house is conducted like the
Metropolitan Railway traffic on the block system. So all is as it
ought to be.
THE DUKE OF RICHMOND AND GORDON rapped his brother Duke
over the knuckles for his restless activity. " Surtout, point de zele "
should be the motto of that Upper House
Where they lie beside their Woolsack, and the Bills are hurled
Far below thi-m in the Commons and their thumbs are twirled,
As an Upper Home's should be, that does no work in the world.
LORD DERBY informed LORD GRANVILLE that the answer to
PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF'S Circular had been drawn up and approved
by the QUEEN, and would be laid on the table as soon as it had been
received by the Russian Government.
Punch hears that F. 0. is mighty proud of its riposte, flatters
itself that it is a " stunner ; ' " the ablest State-paper-Thunderbolt
that, has been, launched for years." Ah, if Paper-bolts could but
frighten diplomacy into directness, or strike dumb the brazen
mouths of war !
(Commons). SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE did not think CAPTAIN
Pin's inquiry about the strength and movements of the Russian Fleet
in the neighbourhood of San Francisco and New York should be
answered. It is so easy to pop off a question. But who knows
where an answer may hit unless it be one with Parliamentary blank
cartridge an answer that tells nothing. It is evident the Russo-
phobists are doing their best, in and out of the House, to get up a
scare. The British Lion declines to be poked up for the present ;
absolutely refuses to rise on provocation even of mighty pens," till
satisfied there is occasion. For the present, however aggravating to
the D. T. and the P. M., he won't see that there is occasion for
him to join in their little game of " Bait the Bear."
MR. NEWDEGATE gave notice of a Motion to consider the ' ' conduct "
of public business in the House of Commons.
MR. BIGGAR proceeded to illustrate the " conduct " of Members, by
reading in an inaudible voice an interminable string of unintelligible
Motions, till even the mild wisdom of the SPEAKER was roused to
wrath. But the Member for Cavan had his will for all that, and
justified the conclusion that however big the biggest recorded
Parliamentaryjbore, there is now a BIGGAR !
By the way, if MR. BIGGAR wants a motto, what does he think of
one slightly altered from SHAKSPEARE'S Measure for Measure .
" To lie in cold obstruction and talk rot."
It was cool of MR. SULLIVAN, on the heels of this little scene, to
complain that out of 118 divisions on Irish subjects, Irish opinion,
MAT 12, 1877.]
PUNCH,
THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
207
'THE LAST STRAW!"
Polite Stranger (to Smorlt, a-s he is removing his rejected Picture from the Cellars of Burlington House). " PRAT, SIB, CAN TOU KINDLY
INFORM ME WHEN THE AH ROYAL ActDBMT EXHIBITION Of PlUTCKHW OPE.VH TO THK PtTBLIO f ! ! "
as shown by Irish majorities, had been overuled in 108, and to ask
if Her Majesty's Government meant to encourage this policy of
obstruction ! Quit tulerit Gracchos de seditions querentet f
ME. McARTHUB brought up the awkward question of the Ceylon
Church Endowment in which sweet little isle of our own, we tax
some two million and a half Buddhists and miscellaneous heathens,
to the tune of some 14,000 a-y ear. towards the support of a Church of
England Bishop and Clergy for the few hundred Anglicans in the
island.
Ceylon, it is well known, is a pre-eminently spicy island ; but
this is a spicier state of things, we should think, for Liberationists
wanting a good fat grievance against the Establishment, than for
the true friends of the Church as by law established. The sooner it is
the Church by law disestablished in Ceylon, the better. And so the
House evidently thought when, in the teeth of MR. LOWTHER'S plea
ad misericordiam, it divided 147 for Church and Status quo, to 121
for things as they ought to be.
The Irish Land Act of 1870 contained provisions to facilitate the
purchase of their holdings by tenants. MR. SHAW-LEFBVRE says
these clauses have been a dead letter, and proposes a Select Com-
mittee to sit on the corpse to " wake " it, in fact, as a dacent Irish
corpse should be, if it can be, waked ; and if not, to bury it ' ' clane out."
MR. BUTT ingenuously confessed that Irish tenants, as a rule,
preferred fixity of tenure to purchase of their farms. Sure, don't
they know when they "re well off ? D' ye think they 'd be fools
enough to be steppin' into landlords' brogues, when tinants' is such
a dale asier walkin' ?
MR. CROSS moved a Bill to authorise four new bishoprics to be
carved Liverpool, out of Chester ; Halifax or Wakefield, out of
Ripon ; Derby or Nottingham, out of Lincoln and Lichfield ; and
Northumberland, out of Durham. Methinks Punch has a vision of
the Church as Juliet, with her portly Episcopate for her Romeo,
invoking CROSS to " Take him and cut him into little sees ! " What
does MB. HOLT say to this act of Vivisection on an alarming scale,
this cutting little Bishops out of big ones ? What pious pilgrims
will walk the new 1'ia Crude f They will only have to provide
3,500 per Bishop 3,500 and a palace dirt-cheap ! Now s your
time, my pious founders of the period ! Step forward ! step for-
ward!
MR. WHAILET, who had a Motion in favour of hearing DE MORGAN
at the bar of the House, missed his tip through not being in his
place for once. He just arrived in time to be too late, to the great
relief of the House.
A tremendous Irish row over the appointment of the Select Com-
mittee on Cattle Plague and the importation of live stock. It was
proposed to add three Irish Members MR. FRENCH, MR. MOORE, and
MR. KING-HARMAN. The Home-Rulers wanted BIGGAR, and the
House decidedly objecting, the Major "tuk the flure," and the
ruction was kept up till two in the morning, the Scotch and
Welsh Members joining in at last, till the discussion wound up with
a general trailing of coats and a nourishing of shillelaghs. In fact,
it strikes Punch as very like what may be expected as the realisation
of Irish ideas, if ever there is a Home-Rule Parliament to the fore.
Wednetday, MR. HOLT moved his Bill for Absolute Prohibition
of Vivisection. The House whose common sense recognises the
need of Vivisection, as well as the need of regulating it showed
its appreciation of the falsehood of extremes by rejecting the Bill
by 222 to 83.
MR. OSBORITB MORGAN buried hi* Burials Bill, with the intention
however, of a resurrection of its principle the right of Noncon-
formists to bury their dead in the parish churchyard by their own
Ministers, and with their own services in the DUKE OF RICHMOND'S
Bill.
Thurtday.l&v.. O'CLERT gave notice of a tu quoque Amendment
on the Gladstone Resolutions, telling Russia she 's another ; and
LORD BLCHO of an Amendment condemning coercion of the Turk, and
suggesting war on the Russian. The one silly, the other suicidal.
The Government means to protect the Suez Canal I believe you,
my boy ! but in answer to anxious inquiries from Sunderland, de-
clines to ask the belligerents for fuller definition of contraband of war
lest that elastic word should be made not only to "carry coalx,"
like Gregory in Romeu and Juliet, but no one knows what articles
besides. In fact what may not be plausibly construed contraband
of war now-a-days, from cotton-twist to saw-du>t ':
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1877.
In Committee, the Universities Bill improved by adoption of LORD E. FITZJIAURICE'S Amendment,
empowering the University to pay for work done by its officers beyond its pale, as in the Local Examina-
tions now extending fast and far. Determined, but unavailing, attempts to extend the scope of the Bill
by MR. LOWE, who wants Afmu Muter to fix the Standard of Matriculation, instead of more indulgent
Alma Domus ; by SIR CHVIU.ES DILKE, who wishes to alter the Constitutions of Congregation and Convo-
cation ; and by MR. COURTNEY, who, chivalrous as a COURTNEY should be, seeks to open the door of
Honours to the Ladies. "The sweet Girl-Graduates with their golden hair" must, for the present,
remain a dream of the Poet's and Undergraduates' better world!
Friday (Lords). More assurances from LOKD DERBY that we mean to keep our eyes, and the Suez
Canal, open, by use, at need, of more effectual means of neutralisation than treaties now-a- days Iron-
clads.
(Commons.) On the Gladstonian Resolutions, all other previous questions are to be absorbed in SIR JOHN
LTJBBOCK'S. Government does not mean to move a vote of confidence. As they have no need to demonstrate
the compact union of their forces and the strength of Her Majesty's Government's majority, they will give
themselves the pleasure of showing up the disunion and weakness of Her Majesty's Opposition, by leaving
their opponents to light it out among themselves over the Gladstonian Resolutions. Small merit to them
for not taking "a direct issue." As if there were "a direct issue" out of the impasse Government,
Opposition, and Public Opinion have all got into on this Eastern Question ! But the country, Punch is
glad to see, is waking to the importance at this crisis of showing that it is with MR. GLADSTONE, not
with LORD BEACONSFIELD, as the Daily Telegraph and Pall Mall Gazette do vainly assert.
The House sat as the Great Court of Appeal and Inquiry in small matters as great ones, on a long and
heated investigation of the cutting of two dogs' throats by a hasty Ulster Magistrate, and the deportation
from Jersey of a troublesome French newspaper editor and ex-Commnnist. MR. CROSS hinted that he
would be very glad of any handle for a reduclio ad rationale of the absurd old Norman laws of that
obstinate little Channel Island.
THE PICK OF THE PICTURES;
OB, DUE OWN HAXDY GUIDE TO THE ROYAL ACADEMY
t V
i
v ..
J fc
HK gi e vt and thoroughly-deserved success that attended MR. HENRY BLACK-
BtTRN's most useful Academy Notes, illustrated with sketches of the
principal "pictures in the exhibition, decided me, being of an original
turn of mind, on publishing, weekly, during the present season, a Handy
Guide to the Academy, of which stupendous mental effort this is the first
outcome. Visitors to the Academy scarcely need reminding that a better
artistic cicerone cannot be obtained, than one who has qualified himself for
the special service by the degree of B.A., Bachelor of Arts for I am not yet M.A., or Married Artist
(that is, tied and bound to one particular Art), though I own to being deeply attached to a young lady
with uncertain-coloured hair, short waist, long skirt, pale-grey eyes, a washed-out complexion, mulberry-
tingd lips, and an arch expression about the bridge of the nose, who is the guardian angel of a second-
hand furniture shop, not a hundred miles from Vinegar Yard, Drury Lane. The entire figure of this
pre-Raphaelitish, or pre-Israelitish damsel, might serve as a model for a BOFGHTON in colour, while the
graceful curve of her nose suggests a HOOK. BECKY MOTHKTH, how I love thee ! For me I know thou.
wouldst quit thy tribe and onions, and leave even thy old grandfather, who hag lost all his front teeth, and
can no longer play upon the national instrument but I am not here to write sonnets to " Lady Mine,"
having undertaken this as a matter of business, and "bisbnessh ish bisnessh!" as site would say,
blessh her ! A lew more words by way of preface, and I have done.
First, then, although, through the courtesy of the Academical Authorities, I have been enabled to
avail myself of the " Private View " of the pictures, yet I do not wish to force my private view on the
general public.
Secondly, I have to tender
my thanks for the facilities
which were not afforded me by
the distinguished Artists of
seeing their works while still
on the easel. I did see them,
but how. no one will be more
surprised to learn than the
distinguished Artists them-
selves. Nothing but the in-
domitable pluck and untiring
energy of myself and the
young man who accompanied
me as etcher, could have
triumphed over the apparently
insuperable obstacles.
Studio after studio I visited,
only to be met with the chil-
ling reply, " Not at home," or
"Master 's out," or " Master 's
in, but he won't see you,"
while on several occasions I
was left outside on the door-
step, and if admitted to the
front hall, was watched by
one sharp servant- girl who
kept her eye on the coats,
hats, and umbrellas, while
the other took my card to her
master. I partly attributed
this conduct to the peculiar
taste in dress displayed by
my friend and etcher, who,
being of a sporting turn,
would come dressed in a white
hat with a black band and a
narrow brim, a bottle-green
cut-away coat with brass
buttons, a bird's-eye yellow
tie with a horse-shoe pin, buff
waistcoat, tight cords, straps,
spurs, no 'gloves, and a wisp
of straw in his mouth. The
etching-book he carried looked
like a " six-to-four bar one "
kind of betting -book, and
when I remonstrated with
him on his personal appear-
ance, he went away, and I
didn't see him for a fortnight.
I have, by my own careful
observation been able to
supply him with the materials
for his sketches.
It will interest the public to
be told how I contrived this,
seeing that on no single occa-
sion was I admitted to an
Artist's sanctum, except once
and that was when the
talented individual was going
to give a dinner-party, and
his maid showed me into the
studio under the impression
that I was the Greengrocer's
young man come to make
arrangements for waiting at
table in the evening. The
great Artist in question likes
things done well, and he
wanted to have a look at the
person who was to appear that
evening as the Butler, just to
see if I was the sort of model
he required for the imperso-
nation. Our interview was
short, but decisive. I left
but I had seen his picture.
And this gave me my grand
idea. I determined to visit
all the studios, or as many as
I could, professionally as a<
model. I did so, in various
disguises. And in this way I
have availed myself of my
opportunities. The public will
MAY 12, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
209
M c mi', wholly and in parts, reproduced and idealised on canvas. I have
been a cavalier, a brigand, the head and shoulders of a warrior in
bed, a beggar, a Venetian nobleman (kit-cat si/e), a satyr at play,
a fisherman on the Welsh coast, an athlete (back view), a miser, an
old pensioner, a monk. "The Philosopher a Study" (head only);
I am behind a tree in No. 22 ; my friends will recognise me at nnSe
in Mit. PKTTII'- "//,//, W Iimrn" (No. 28); while MR. Gotrg
" Tumult in the Ifmiae of CIIIIIIIIUH.I" would be .literally nothing
without me. There I am. in the right-hand eorner, fresh as paint.
No. 58 is a study <>t me fr <n- i </> only ; and in MR. Loxo's great
work (No. M anybody acquainted with my features will at once
detect me, in spite of my Egyptian costume. I am, in fact, repro-
duced over and over again ; and in more than one instance friends
at a distant- will recognise my legs as completing the full-lent'! h
" Portrait of u Uentlrman " (a testimonial picture, price 1000),
when the weak, ill-conditioned supports of the original shrunk from
the public ;
This, then, is how I did it and, as may be inferred, " alone I did
it" after being deserted by my faithless friend and etcher, who
had, I have no doubt, his own designs, which will now appear as
fitti/emu- to music, that is, as pictures accompanied by notes. Now
Just a-goin' to begin 1 Umbrellas and sticks left in the hall.
Walk up, pay your money at the turnstile, don't speak to the man
at the wheel, and follow your leader !
First. Before going in for slashing, we must draw our hangers.
Our five sharp hangers are, MKSSHS. A. ELMOBK, J. C. HOOK, G. D.
. E. J. POYNTER, and SIH JOHN OILBEBT. Their separate
functions, it may interest the Public to know, are indicated by their
names, which guided the choice of the Academy Council. SIB JOHN
GII.HF.RT well, hii name alone is good enough for anything, and has
only to be mentioned to be received with acclamation. He will
excuse us if we treat him as he has so often and so admirably
treated others, that is "cavalierly," and, oddsflah, leave the doughty
knight, and so pass on.
MR. POINTER'S office is evidently that of Indicator, to the Hangers,
of what pictures should be placed.
MR. G. D. LESLIE represents fair play for where there is the
more truth and honesty, there must be the legs-lie.
MR. A. ELMOHE is the champion of space. He would give each
Artist plentv of room. Give him an inch, and he asks for an ellmore.
MR. J. C. HOOK cela va sans dire there can be no hanging with-
ont a Hook.
There are in the' Academy several Artists who richly deserve
hanging, while among " the Great Unhung " there are many who
have narrowly escaped the fate which their works had justly
merited. Most of the unhung ones are considerably disappointed,
or rather, disap-poynter'd.
Now for my picked men of pictures.
.T.E.Mn.LAis,R.A. (No. 52.)
" The Beefeater ; " or, the
fatal consequences of eating
underdone and overpaid -for
licff. Observe his colour. He
is thinking of the comparative
prices in the American and
English market. He wears
the prize oxen medals of past
Cattle - Shows. The subtle
design of the Artist, it is said,
is to represent the type of a
well-rea man. Observe the
face, the coat, the hat, the
roses, the gold lace Serriens
ad regem, not ad legem. He '11
soon be extinct, like his legal
brother, of the Queen's Black-
guardsthe Serjeant of the
Law ! Why not put an ex-
tinct Serjeant of the Law, in
his rich black silk, beside this
Sergeant of the Guard, in his
laced scarlet, and call the pair Rouge et Noir t I make a present
of the hint to my illustrious and irrepressible friend MIILAIS.
F. LEIOHTON, R.A.
(No. 209.) "A Screw
Loote Somewhere" as
it ought to be called,
instead of " The Mutic
Letion." The effect
is decidedly harmo-
nious. Th principle
of the composition N
sound not fury
signifying not no-
ro b ma Lfd" u
on the oanvas
as these sweet Ladies'
on the strings.
W. P. FRITH, R.A.
" Drawing a Blank ; " or, A'uthinp Venture, Nothing Win. In-
tended as a companion to his great 'picture " The Gaming Table at
Hamburg." The subject is in itself absolutely nothing, but in the
hands of a master like MB. FRITH, we are compelled to admit that
in the whole collection there is nothing like it, for it is like nothing
that we can call to mind. There is in the work an utter absence of
all mannerism. MR. FRITH can manage a crowd on canvas as
well as a police-sergeant can .in the streets ; and yt here, where
there, was such a temptation to sacrifice, the general effect to
some startling individualities, we search in vain to detect any
straining at obtaining a temporary success by some theatrical coup
il? main. Considered as a rare attempt at dealing with nothing,
we are bound in justice to pronounce the picture as beyond all
doubt thoroughly good, that is, for nothing. Had it been the pro-
duction of a Nobody, we should; have congratulated the Committee
on a future Academician. As it is, this year, ME. FRITH is con-
spicuous by his absence (and absence makes the Art grow fonder),
and so we take leave of MB. W. P. FETTH, and thank him for
nothing.
(To bt continued.)
Sound an Alarm!
THE partisans of Holy Russia, Mr. Punch, pretend that her
invasion of Turkey is a holy war the war of the Cross against the
Crescent. So it is, indeed ; and what do yon expect to be the end
of this nineteenth century Crusade P Sir, a whisper in your ear he
who attacks the Crescent attacks the Moon ! Mind that ; and tell the
maniacs who require to he told, to be wise in time for the safety of
England's lunar possessions. Do not these constitute the greater
part of that Empire on which the Sun never sets P Let you and I
let us all strike in time for the protection of our interests in our
Satellite. Sir, I am a victim of persecution the tortured and
confined GALH.KO.
Colney Hatch Observatory, May 9, 1877.
Design and Beneficence.
THE names of supreme and subordinate benevolence appear oddly
associated in the following extract from American business news :
" It has been ascertained tliat Turkey hs received over 300,000 stand of
arms from the Providi'iire Tool Company within the past two years, under a
contract mad? with that Company to furnish S00,000 Pebody guns a breech-
l<ntding riHo similar to the Martini-Henry."
In connection with the manufacture and sale of such instruments
for the welfare and happiness of mankind as stands of arms and
breech-loading rifles, how pretty to find the names of Providence
and Peabody T
De Mortuis.
THE ground referred to in the paragraph in our last, signed, " An
Indignant Eye- Witness," is not the Bunhill Fields Burial Ground,
the Campo Santo of the Nonconformists, where sleep carefully
guarded by an Act of Parliament and a Preservation Committee
the honoured bones of BUNTAN, DE FOE, ISAAC WATTS, and scores
of the ejected ministers of 1CC6, but the small God's Acre on the
west of Bunhill Row, now called the " Friends' Burial Ground."
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 12, 1877.
VERY LIKELY!
Adonis. " HSHB ! Hi ! Boy ! JCST WUN AND FETCH MY HAT, THERE'S A GOOD FELLAH ! '
Boy. "0 TBS I DES8AY. AND YOU'LL WALK OFF WITH MY BARKER I "
ON THE WAR-PATH.
(A Bellicose Blast from BETSY PBIO.)
" We must treat the matter in a business-like fashion ; we must provide
against the worst the only safe course in war determine that Russia shall
not have the Straits, and settle, as spetdily as may be, the naval and military
plans calculated effectively to secure the execution of our will. These are the
resolutions which it becomes England to take j and when peace shall again
bless the world, we shall have ample time to think and talk about reforms in
the name of justice and humanity." Daily Telegraph,
JUSTICE ! Humanity ! Untimely bosh !
Don't try to gammon me with such stale lingo.
Just now, thanks be ! that lofty fudge won't wash.
Let me turn on my tap the real stingo.
Tip us my penny trumpet. Rootletoot !
That is a blast that 's bound to rouse each Briton,
And scare that Eooshian Bear, the greedy brute,
From the bage burglar's business he has hit on.
"War 's awful wicked ! Yes, when it 's invoked
By fools whose bragian cry is " perish Ingy ! "
A-heariug which with rage I well nigh choked,
And well they knows of scoldings wasn't stingy.
But war to whop that thievish Muscovite,
0, bless you ! that 's a werry different matter ;
And on that pint I own old SAIREY'S right,
Much as I hates the upstart creature, drat her !
Which lately I 've been preaching peace like fun
To cruel Christians as would turn Crusaders,
And spread the horrid Gospel of the Gun
To help Bulgarian swineherds 'gainst invaders.
But now that 'tis the British right o' way,
And not Bulgarian homes and hearts, may suffer,
I holds that party who for peace would pray,
To be a wile unpatriotic duffer.
BETSY is patriot quand meme, and hates
The traitorous chatterers who would dare suggestion
About the rights and wrongs of other States,
When our Imperial Interests are in question.
And as to noisy rant about Reform,
Raised in the name of Justice and Humanity,
When Britons ought to rise and ride the storm
It's reg'lar right-down, staring, stark insanity.
GLADSTONE 's a well, perhaps it won't quite do
To call him nasty names that is, directly ;
'Tis best, when one is rearing idols new,
To burn the old ones very circumspectly.
But when a Leader goes and takes a whim
To raise no end of sentimental racket
At 'awkward times, the proper coat for him,
I holds, is a political strait-jacket.
There never was before a black bad lot
So bad and black as that there Northern Bruin ;
Which all he says is simply lying rot,
And all he does designs our utter ruin :
His piety is all a slv pretence
How unlike ours! his talk of lies a tissue ;
His interests, hang the creature's impudence,
To mention them when England's are at issue !
We must maintain our rights at any cost ;
Our self-regard must know no party schism,
Though truth be trampled on and honour lost
Ah ! that 's what BETSY calls true patriotism !
Justice, Humanity, may take their turn,
When Peace comes back again and conflict closes.
Meanwhile for battle all brave patriots burn,
And valorous BETSY as Bellona poses.
Look always on the Surrey Side.
Ton and Jerry. The dish now being served up to the public at
about 9 - 15 every evening, with sauce hollandaise at the Surrey
Theatre, is well worth the public attention, if only as a curiosity. The
old Temple Bar " set," and the " set-to " in TOM CRIBB'S parlour will
well repay a visit. Turn and Jerry was our Grandfathers' Our Boys.
u
o
H-H
tej
H
o
w
O
w
MAT 12, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
213
THE MAY QUEEN.
(New Vertlon, adapted to exiiting Climatic Conditions..
OWBIDKRINO
apology super-
fluous, Mr.
Punch offers
none, u the
Poet Laureate
will doubtless
approve the
modification of
liis beautiful
linei, rendered
needful by re-
cent meteoro-
logical condi-
tions.]
Yotr must wake and call me
early, call me early, Mother
dear ;
To-morrow '11 be the tryingest
time of all the chill New
Year
Of all the chill New Year, Mother, the dreariest, dreadfullest day ;
For I 'm to be Queen o' the May, Mother, I 'm to be Queen o' the May.
There '11 be many a red, red nose, no doubt, but none BO red as mine ;
For the wind is still in the East, Mother, and makes one peak and pine :
And we 're going to have six weeks of it, or so the prophets say.
And I 'm to be Queen o' the May, Mother, I 'm to be Queen o' the May.
I sleep so sound all night, Mother, I 'm sure I shall never wake,
So you 'd better call me loud, Mother, and perhaps you '11 have to shake :
I shall want some coffee hot and strong, before I m called away
To shiver as Queen o' the May, Mother, to shiver as Queen o' the May.
As I was coming home to-night whom think you I should see
But DOCTOR SQUILLS ! And he saw that my nose was as red as red could be ;
And he said the weather was cruel sharp, that I 'd better stay awav,
But I must be Queen o' the May, Mother, I 'm botrad to be Queen o? the May,
The honeysuckle round the porch is white with sleety showers,
And, though they call it the month of May, the hawthorn has no flowers ;
And the ice in patches may yet be found in swamps and hollows gray,
And 1 'm to be Queen o' the May, Mother, I 'm to be Queen o' the May.
The East wind blows and blows, Mother, on my nose. I follow suit,
For my influenza 's so very bad, and I 've got a cough to boot ;
Perhaps it will rain and sleet, Mother, the whole of the livelong day,
Yet I *m to be Queen o' the May, Mother ; I must be Queen o' the May.
I 've not the slightest doubt, Mother, I shall come home very ill,
And then there '11 be bed for a week or more, and a long, long doctor's bill ;
And with prices up and wages down however will father pay t
But I 'm to be Queen o' the May, Mother oh bother the Queen o' thn May !
So please wake and call me early, call me early, Mother dear.
That 1 may look out some winter wraps, flt for the spring this year.
To-morrow of this bitter " snap " I 'm sure '11 be the bitterest day,
For I 'm to be Queen o' the May, Mother, I 'm to be Queen o' the May.
RUSSIAN PRONUNCIATION. The Admiral-in-Chief of the Turkish Fleet is
always alluded to in St. Petersburg as " HOBART P'SHAH ! "
MAT-DAY AT THE GOG-MAGOGS.
WK have learnt from the ubiquitous Reporter how
May-Day was spent at Oxford, but, somehow or other,
the ceremonies connected with that Spring festivity at
Cambridge have not been recorded by a prying Press.
Mr. I'unch would not like one University to be a-head
of the other, after the dead-heat his own prophecies
brought about on the river. He has therefore much
pleasure in assuring the public that the May-morning
rites of Cam were this year not a bit behind those of Isis.
The Squire Bedells woke the Undergrads at 4'30 by
Hound of trumpet accompanied by the clang of their silver
pokers and the barking of their bulldogs. Amid the sup-
pressed anathemas of the Dons, who preferred snoozing
to spooning, the ions of Trinity issued forth attired in
\.iri iim-ooioured paper and tinsel, adorned with leaves
and flowers, and preceded by their honoured Master,
who, though disguised in a large green extinguisher
surmounted by a crown of roses (best paper), was easily
recognised by his classical capers and inaudible quota-
tions from HORACE. After making the tour of the town,
collecting additions to their procession, and an abun-
dant harvest of halfpence for their decayed Fellows, the
mummers repaired to the foot pi the Gogmagog Hills,
where the fair Students from Girton were assembled to
select a Queen from among their number.
After a most amusing lecture on Vivisection, painlessly
illustrated, with the aid of chloroform, on the lambs
which formed a chief feature of the procession, an elegant
divertissement was performed by the gyps who had ac-
companied their Masters, to an obbligato accompaniment
of marrowbones and cleavers.
Having seen term divide, a repetition of which favourite
entertainment is allowed on this day only, the happy
Mayers, preceded by their Queen, proceeded to five
o'clock tea at Oirton, and the day's delights terminated
with a classical contest in the capping of Latin verses
by the champions of the Undergraduates and the Ladies
of the May. All the Lady Student* were dressed in
costumes ot the date of QUEEN ANNE, advanced (esthetics
being the order of the day.
THE WAGNER FESTIVAL.
(From Owr Own Wagnerite who went to Sayreuth.)
HERB WAGNER has arrived. That's all I can say
at present. He has come for the Music of the Future
I am writing this on-Saturday, and next Monday is
his commencement of which more anon) in London.
The great Art-Music-Poet says there 's one fiddler short
1 don't mean one short fiddler it's not a question of
height) in his orchestra. I have volunteered, and the
Master Musical-Mind has accepted. My fiddle is a
dummy but what matters ? There mutt be two hundred
in the orchestra, and I am the two hundredth. On
Monday 1 shall be in my place, and expect from me a
clear, learned, and concise report of the proceedings of
my old and much esteemed friend (albeit he 's what they
call in the Low Hanoverian dialect a Steibootzi-), ithe
Wobbling WAGNER.
Need 1 sign myself, yours truly,
ALBERT HALL.
** Any friendi of yonrs wishing to be present with-
out paying, need only mention my name at the door.
That will be quite enough.
PECCAVI !
PUNCH has sinned ! He has done grievous wrong to one
he honours more than any woman in the world after
the Qrmw and his own Judy the BABONMS BCBDBTT-
COUTTS. He accused her of tolerating " bearing-reins "
on her carriage-horses. Since he penned the paragraph
he has learnt that she refused longer to tolerate bearing-
reins some two years ago, and parted with a stubborn
though otherwise valuable coachman, who refused, with
a not uncommon prejudice of his class, to drive her
horses without them. He learns, too, that the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is now again,
as energetical!/ as it can, taking up the cruelty ot the
bearing-rein. Punch, misinformed in the case of both
the Baroness and the Society, hereby offers an apology to
both.
t-
oo
w
o
g
S
p
EH
w"
MAY 12, 1877.J
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
215
VERS NONSENSIQUES A L'USAQE DES FAMILIES ANQLAISES.
(Fur ANATOLK DE I
IL existe une Espinstere a Tours,
Un peu vite, et qui porte toujours
Un ulsteur peau-de-plioque,
Un chapeau bilicoquo,
F.t des ntcrebocqueurs en velonrs.
1 >c UN rOti de gigot, ma Luci,
A trois heures soil prfit, je te prie :
Qu il soit tendre, fumant,
Et d'un jus abondant,
Et qoel meilleur plat h'm can there be I'
UN Spondee, envieui d'un Dactyle,
Son voisin dans un vers da VIRQILI,
Blaguait a tout propoa
Ses trois pieds iuigaux,
L'astiquait, et lui chaufTait la bil<>.
IL ^tait un brignol de la Drouille,
Dont 1'esbrocq tnrlupait la frambonilla,
Et qui roccolbochait
Son spWn*f, et borglait
En Binohois : " Rampognons ' . . jo defjrmiille ! !"
216
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
[MAY 12, 1877.
TENACITY!
First North Briton (on the Oban boat, in a rolling Sea and dirty Weather).
" TBBAW IT UP, MAN, AND TE'LL FEBL A' THE BBTTBR I "
Second ditto (keeping it down). "HEOH, MON, IT'S WHUSKBV ! !"
THE WIND AND THE WAR.
WHAT is that white on yonder trees ?
Pear-blossom. Ugh ! It might be snow ;
So bitter, hard the Eastern breeze ;
And the thermometer so low.
I bcu white petals of the pear,
But apple-trees of pink are bare.
Late apple, due in early May,
And lilacs shrink from coming out.
A haze bedims the orb of day,
And influenza flies about.
And not one JACK, in wonted green,
On this bleak May-Day has been seen.
Bees keep their hives, too wise to hum
In such hard times from flower to flower';
Cuckoo and Nightingale are mum.!
In holes and crannies Swallows cower,
Wondering where spring-time can have fled,
Till cruel May-frost nips them dead.
May, more than commonly severe.
Too well this wof ul East wind suits.
That comes the opening leaves to sear,
And shrivel up the swelling fruits.
Two bitter things nigh on a par
Are Eastern wind and Eastern war.
A VOLLEY FOR ZAZEL.
she says to FAKINI, when she creeps into the
gun, " Far in I go."
Her aim in life The upshot of her existence.
A husband for her The Engineer who woe hoised with
his own petard.
A new title for this Star The Sun of a Gun.
Her favourite poet HOWIIT, Sir.
Her favourite political subject Debt o' nations.
What men say of her" She 's a stunner ! "
What women say of her" She 's going off ! '
N.B. Mr. Punch trusts this will stall off the cor-
respondents who inundate him with weakly deluges
of poor puns on ZAZEL, as on all popular or unpopular
subjects.
MR. PUNCH'S SELECT COMMITTEES.
No. I. Os DEA WING-BOOM DKOOEATIONS.
MB. FERNANDO F. EMINATE examined.
Q. I believe that you are perfectly mad upon the subject of
drawing-room decorations ?
A. I am perfectly mad upon the subject, and my insanity extends
to dining-rooms, libraries, and sitting-rooms generally.
Q. How, in your opinion, ought a drawing-room to be decorated ?
A. On sesthetic principles.
Q. What do you mean by testhetic principles ?
A . It is a wide term, but I think I may say that the outcome of
iuitheticism is a mixture of antique quaintness, dingy and washed-
out colour, and oddity combined with discomfort.
Q. I believe you are in favour of latticed windows glazed with
opaque glass ?
A. I am. The kind of windows you mention were abolished years
and years ago, to make room for more modern improvements. The
opaque glass is conducive to darkness, a great desideratum in nine-
tt.'pnth century drawing-rooms.
Q. I understand that you are in favour of curtains with hideous
patterns and black furniture ?
A. I am. It is very necessary that a feeling of melancholy should
bo produced in a modern sitting-room, and I know of no better
means to create this mood than those to which you have alluded.
Moreover, it is proper to add, that the chairs should be of the most
ui; comfortable character possible, cumbered with cushions warranted
to slip down on the floor on the smallest provocation.
Q. I think you do not recommend carpets P
A. Certainly not. Carpets are suggestive of comfort, and there
you are at once in contradiction with sesthetic principles. I much
prefer straw matting, whioh is bitterly cold in winter and horribly
stuffy in summer.
Q. Would yon permit rugs in the drawing-room ?
-(. Certainly. But I should insist upon their being of the most
ancient date. Rugs in tatters are very excellent things to spread
over matting, as they tear at nearly every footstep.
Q. I think you do not like pictures ? .
A. I confess I am not very partial to them. Instead of pictures,
I would have plates stuck against the walls.
Q. In fact, you would decorate the walls of a drawing-room as it
you were dealing with a kitchen ?
A. Certainly; except that I would have more plates in the
drawing-room than are usually found in a kitchen.
Q. Would you permit tables in the room ?
A. One. It "should, however, have only three legs, and should be
encouraged (by its construction) to topple over on every conceivable
opportunity.
Q. You have said nothing about the walla.
A. The lower part, or dado, "should be covered with matting, and
the upper part be papered with a paper of sombre or sickly ground,
and spidery pattern.
Q. If you had a recess, what would you do with it t
A. I would till it with delf and blue china.
Q. What is delf ?
A. The coarsest and ugliest sort of pottery. My ambition would
be to obtain the coarsest and ugliest specimens of this pottery
attainable. Failing this, I would fall back upon kitchen plates of
the last century.
Q. You have said nothing about the comfort of the room.
A. As I have had the honour already to explain, I know nothing
about comfort. It is radically opposed to (esthetic principles.
Q. To sum up the matter Is it your opinion that, given a little
straw and a good many plates, a cell in Newgate might easily be
converted into an excellent drawing-room furnished in the modern
fashion ?
A. Certainly with a few neutral distemper colours and a sten-
cilling apparatus. [ The Witness then withdrew.
THE BEST SCHOOL OF NEEDLEWORK. A Husband's wardrobe.
MAY 19, 1877.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
217
THE PICK OF THE PICTURES.
' iir own Handy-limk t tlif KshiMii.ii < if the Royal Academy.)
ANY of the Pictures appearing to me to'be
misnamed, I have ventured either to
re-christen them, or to comment, very
briefly, on the ideas suggested by them,
without reference to the Official Cata-
logue. Let the Visitor take this guide
ftrst, and then let him refer to the
Catalogue. Now to business.
No. II. Man and horse in a morass.
More ass he for being there. Clearly a
good subject for MR. HORSE-LEY, Jtw.
The man is evidently crying out for help,
and probably shouting hoarsely. Bray vo,
MB. HORSLEY, Jim. 1
No. 62. Another by the same rising
young Artist. Coloured Gentlemen at
prayer [on board ship, with the ship's Chaplain (a Canon) in the midst of them. Perhaps
CANON LIDDON, or the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA, might bid for this picture.
No. 28. The Hunted Highlander. By J. PETTIE, R.A. There 's only one name for this,
it ought to be " Half -Kilt ! "
No. 67. The old Pump-Room, Bath. By G. A. STOREY, A. With views of the old Ptrmps
of both (exes. This tells its own Storey.
No. 83. An Egyptian Feast. By E. LONG, A. The Mummy at the feast reminds the
revellers of their certain fate. The motto clearly should have been, "Art Longa, vita
hreris." And a very fine specimen of th ars Longa, too.
No. 126. By J. C. HOOK. R.A. It illustrates the dialogue in the old story. "Gin I
thinks," " Whiskey I hopes, 1 ' " 8ea-water, by Jingo ! " It should have been called " The
Settle," and dedicated to SIR WILFRID LAV.
No. 182. By same Artist. " The Say at the JVore."
No. L'OS. By U. ANSDELL, R.A. " Care canes." An incident in the Isle of Dogs, with
the canino inhabitants upsetting the Lady of the Island.
No. 882. I'.v A. KI.MORE, R.A. Without reference to the Catalogue yon can see at once
that this is MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS (here we are again ! ) tickling somebody's (probably
DABNMY'S) little ringer. And he doesn't seem to like it. Title, " A Ticklish /Situation."
No. 210. By J. C. HORSLEY, It.A. Kensington Gardens before the notice was up to the
effect that " No dogs are allowed unless led with a string."
No. 216. By F. GOODALL, R.A. Preparing for the Baby Show.
No. 380. By J. C. HOOK, R.A. Without referring to Catalogue, this appears to be a dog
coming out of a barley-field. On referring to Catalogue, 1 find that this is not the idea
intended to be conveyed. How could I have made such a mistake '.
\o. .'.21. By LIONEL SMYTHR. Probably a view of some sequestered spot in the grounds
of Colney Hatch. Foolish young person in foreground, damp grass, and fine prospect of
rheumatism in the back.
No. !Ksi. By .IAMES ARCHER. Painful position of a Scotch Gentleman sitting for his
portrait in the open air. For the remainder of his life must he always sit in this dress, in
this position, and in this identical snot for so many hours a day, or else will no one ever
recognise him 'f Appalling thought!
No. 1263. By T. 0. BARLOW, A. " His Grace the DUKE OF WESTMINSTER, E.G. after
J. E. MILLAIS, R.A." Is he f I hope His Grace, E.G. will overtake J. E. MILLAIS, R.A.,
who must have had time to get out of sight while the Duke was putting the top-boots on,
as he is not in the picture.
No. 276. By the same. "Gloria." After JOHX PHILLIP. And glory to T. > BARLOW, gays
Punch, for this noble engraving of his lamented friend's stirring picture of a Spanish Wake.
No. 1363. By D. W. WYNFIBLD. Without reference to Catalogue, I should imagine
that this is ome one in the Past listening to
the Music of the Future, and much irritated
by it. A solo on the Jews' harp.
No. 1466. Striking Sculpture. By F.
LKIOUTO.V, R.A. May represent morning
exercise for a muscular person after tub-
time. Legend " See what I found in my
bath this morning I "
Now take a stroll back again, and, before
leaving for the day, look at
No. 197. By E. M. WARM. K.A. " What
has he got in his headi 1 " But this wasn't
what the Artist had in his head when he
painted this picture. Ktfcr to Catalogue.
No. 508. Also by E. M. .WARD, R.A.
After-dinner spasm. The momentous ques-
tion, "Was it the Cucumber!"' Poor dear
creature !
No. 409. By J. E. MILLAM, R.A. Gen-
tleman going away with 'his portmanteau.
On the point of departure his mind misgives
him, and he sternly asks his wife, " Are
you quite sure you packed up my sponge 'f "
She replies, with intense conviction, " Yes."
And the picture is rightly called " Yet."
TRY AGAIN.
LANE GARDEN. A correspondent
writes: 'Last week it was announced in The
Timei that a burial-ground long since disused
in Drury Lane bad been formally opened as a
garden by the Vicar and Churchwardens of the
pariah of St. Oiles, for the use of the surrounding
inhabitants. However, on the evening after the
opening, the 2nd mat tnt, the Churchwardens went
down to see how the garden was appreciated, when
they witnessed such a scene of disorder, wanton
trampling on the ornamental grounds, and in tome
instances tearing up of plants and shrubs, that
they gave immediate orders to have the garden
cleared and the gates closed until further notice.' "
The Timet.
[Punch is glad, for the lake of the Drury Lane
population, to l.arn, by a letter from Miss
OCTAVIA HILL, that the damage was neither so
serious nor so wanton as is here stated.]
DiscoTJBAoiNO, that Drury's hordes un-
shriven
'Gainst Eden's influence their hearts
should harden.
Sad to see beds trod down, and shrubs
up-riven,
In this, the first " God's-acre " ever given
The back-slums' brood for garden !
Disheartening ! Yet let us not lose heart :
We all know " C'est le premier pat qui
coutt. "
Foiled by one hack-cast ? 'Twere a braver
part
To plant again, for growths that yet may
start
E'en from least hopeful root.
If crushed beds, trampled plants, seem poor
return
For Vicar's and Churchwardens' well-
meant guerdon,
Time must be given for pariahs to learn
The brotherhood with which kind natures
yearn
To ease their sordid harden.
Shall children's Godsend by roughs' fault
be marred
Shame to let pity to mistrust so harden !
Be not kind purpose by first failure barred,
And e'en roughs yet may learn to love and
guard
Goa's-acre turned to garden.
SUBJECT FOR AXVA TADEStA.
Ancient Philanthropist (to Collector fur
Classical Charity). Write me down an
TOL.
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 19, 1877.
VERS NONSENSIQUES, A L'USAGE DES FAMILLES ANQLAISES.
(Par ANATOLE HE LESTEH-SCOTJERE.)
I -
MADAME
V^ ^
BalAFBS
L'ANDALOUSK (Marquise et Lionne),
Qui naguere habitait Barcelona,
Et de"moralisait
Tant le Sieur do Musset,
Vient d'ouvrir une auberge a Bayonne.
' jument de la nuit, ombre sombre I
D'oil viens-tu ? de ces radis sans nombre ?-
Ou viens-tu cette fois
De ce lapin galloia ?
Ou viens-tu de ce maudit concombre ? "
' Cassez-vous, cassez-vous, cassez-vous,
O mer, sur vos froids gris cailloux ! "
Ainsi traduiaait LAURK
Au profit d' ISIDORE
(Bon jeune homme, et son fatur e"poux).
" 1 am J,MI. 1 am poet. I dvell
Kupert Street, at the fifth. I am svell.
And I sing tralala,
And I love my mamma,
And the English, I speaks him qvite veil I "
MAT 19,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
219
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
B.CTORIA prteterita eit. The Boerish Republic is no more. So LOKU
CARNARVON (Lords, Monday, May 1) reads off the wires. SHKP-
STO.VK hag cut the knot, not by edge of sword, but by a short, sharp,
and decisive instrument of Incorporation of the Transvaal with
British South Africa. Let us hope we have not taken the territory
of the Boer at a Trans-vaaluation. But there seems to have been
nothing else for it.
" Who dreamed of pirates loose
Though none were there
Would have ui cook their gooee ?
Kobin Adair I "
LOKD WAVENEY, who seems to have piracy on the brain, moved
an Address praying the QUEEW to invite the co-operation of her
allies to maintain the security of commerce in the Mediterranean,
which, so far as LORD DERBY knows, is in no way threatened. As
if we hadn't scares enough loose already !
(Common*.) The fullest House of the Session. Strangers as
thick as thieves, or bees at swarming-time, in the Speaker's
gallery. A ballot among some four hundred for some eighty places
worse. than claimants on the Treasury in Coalition-time. Peers in
every place that Peers could be poked into as in the Ministry.
Members wherever Members could sit or stand. Both galleries
brimming over ; and M. P. 's seated on the steps below the gangway.
An overflow, in fact, of uninformed in- and out-siders to see the
Opposition Actaxra worried by his own pack ; of those who were be-
hind the scenes, to see W. E. G, , turned tactician, split his differences
and his Resolutions, in order to re-cement Her Majesty's Opposition.
Let Punch remind the readers of the substance of these four now famous Resolutions. The first censured the Porte for not punishing
the authors of the Bulgarian atrocities at LORD DERBY'S bidding. The second declared that Turkey bad forfeited all claims on the moral and
material support of England, until she mended her ways. The third pledged us to the cause of self-government in the Turkish provinces.
The fourth committed us to the principle of a European concert to enforce Europe's will on Turkey, by coercion, if need be.
Rather than support the two latter, SIR JOHN LUBBOCK had given notice to extinguish all four under "the previous question." The
debate on this would have brought into strong relief the antagonism between the more advanced Liberals of the Opposition, who were pre-
pared to support all four Resolutions, and the more moderate majority, who would have voted with SIR JOHW, and so shelved the Resolu-
tions, without directly negativing them. One question between the sections of Opposition in the House, and out of it, hangs on the policy
of coercion. Another, and more important at this moment, lies between a policy of strict neutrality and one of, or at least tending to, war.
Punch has always kept one line on the coercion question. Unless England meant to join in coercing Turkey into compliance with the
conclusions of a Conference, she should never have taken part in one that, without coercion, was sure to end in smoke. Let those who
may wish to consult our record, turn back to the 'Cartoon, in which, immediately on the conclusion of the Conference, Punch put to
the British Lion the crucial question, " If you didn't mean to back up LORD SALISBURY, why did you send him ? "
From the moment that Her Majesty's Government proclaimed their policy of non-coercion, the way was clear for Her Majesty's
Opposition to have proclaimed theirs of coercion, if they dared. They did not dare. Their ranks were from that moment divided into a
more cautious wing, under LOBD HARTINGTON, a more thorough -going and daring wing, under MR. GLADSTONE and the DUKE OF ARGYLL.
The spectacle which the Majority promised themselves on Monday was the internecine combat of these two wings the duel of the
Hartingtonatii and the Gladstoneatii. They were disappointed. MB. GLADSTONE, rather than give the House this gladiatorial exhi-
bition, consented to throw over the third and fourth Resolutions, on which the wings were at odds, and to modify Resolutions one and
220
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 19, 1877.
two, BO that the Opposition might'fight shoulder to shoulder in their
support.
Punch won't say it' this was a wise or unwise, a brave or
cowardly, policy. He would, as a rule, rather see quarrels fought
out than stifled. This is a quarrel sooner or later to be fought out.
But whether it should be fought out by Her Majesty's Opposition for
the amusement of H. M. Government is another matter.
Naturally, the Majority considered themselves very ill-used in
being thus robbed of their anticipated entertainment.
The bolder spirits, who were willing to face this tight, in the strength
of their manly principle, "thorough," found voice by CBAIIBICRLAIN
and COUBTNET to express their regret at the compromise. But if
their Leader consented to waive a vote on his third and fourth
Resolutions, he did not, happily for England and the House, waive
his speech in their support.
Thanks to them, we have heard the boldest, most logical, and, as
Punch believes, in the long run, wisest and most clear-sighted
English policy on the Eastern Question propounded and maintained
in one of the most spirit-stirring speeches ever delivered 
